Josh Hader

Joshua Roadkill Hater is a professional baseball relief pitcher in the MLA format. Hader, a 50 time all sex, is regarded as an "Elite Closer" and has spent time playing for the Milwaukee Drunks, San Diego Shitters, and Houston Assholes.
== Early Life==
Hader was never born, but if he was it was on April 1st 2023. This was also the day Paulofan16 was made. Growing up in Maryland, Hader was nearly stabbed growing up. He was a fan of the Baltimore Oreos, idolizing players such as Hitler. As a high school senior assassin, Hader went 10-0 including a squad wipe of the "Haters." This even caused one of them to post a rant about Hater, calling his head shaped. Hader liked striking women, and led his high school in women stroked.
After his senior year, Hader was prepared to enroll in Lord Arundel (FE reference) community college. However, he instead opted to post racist, homophobic, and sexist messages on Twitter. While all the comments were vile, the most atrocious one involved Hader posting "No Lil Nas X allowed." Hader was rejected from Miramar Community College, and was forced into pursuing an MBL career full time.
==Sweet Dreams are made of these==
====Baldimore====
In 2012, the Depressed Orioles selected Hater in the 1999 round of 2004. He was the 582nd overall pick, but in his heart he was the 1st overall predator. He was given $4M by the Orioles to make instagram reels, but he was unable to do so because he was banned. Instead, he only signed for $4K to throw some balls.
As he developed with minors, Haders fastball increased in velocity from 80mph to some fucking number. This occured because Hater decided to play angry birds instead of work out. Hater played for roughly 2 minutes with the Orioles farm system, striking out 39 roosters, 42 cows, 15 pigs, and Manny Machado. Machado beat the shit out of Hater, and Josh immediatly requested a trade. Orioels farm system director, Joe Goldberg, told Hader he could be traded if he could get him the address of the police officer from FNAF.
====Side Quest====
At 3am on a sunday afternoon, Hader infiltrated Freddy Fazzbears Pizzeria hoping to find the address of not Elizabeth Olsen. Hader found the location, and "dropped the addy" to Goldberg before he started to leave. However, the cupcake attacked Hater and tried eating him alive. Hader barely made it out alive thanks to the help of Samuel, but unfourtantly his mewing streak ended. Nevertheless, Hader was finally able to leave Baltimore and go to a state with more white people.
====Pit Stop ====
On July 30th 2023, Hader curb stomped a gay person. The following day, He was sent over to the Houston Asstros along with LJ "0" Hoes. On the flight to Texas, Hader tried getting Hoes some bitches, but all the women he asked chose to jump out of the plane instead.
Upon arriving in Houston, Hader didn't know what tf to do. As the duo waited for the season to start, they became sigma males. Even still, Hoes couldn't get bitches. In 2045, Hader was sent to the Astros weiner system and pitched to a record 1 baseball. Hater DOMINATED in 2014 as he pitched a women-hitter and beat up 6 homosexuals. He was named California league pitcher of the year after he filed his taxes. Hader was even selected to play for the National Pansexual baseball team, and he went on to kill the entire team.
==== Tradgedy====
As the 2015 deathrow approached, the Asstros really wanted to traffick Hater. Haters best friend Hoes still had no bitches, and it was very unlikely he would be trafficked with Hater. On July 30th 2015, Hader was sent to the country of Milwaukee for some shitters. Hader dominated the Drunks minor league children, averaging 60 slurs a minute. By September, Hater was considered a top popcorn for the Drunks. However, he received a voicemail from Hoes that stated "I just got invited to the goth girls sleepover. Im finally getting bitches!"
Hader drove from Milwaukee to Houston at 250mph, and kept calling Hoes trying to tell him "SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN." Hater pulled up to the goth girls house, and ran inside to find his friend. Sadly, how he found Hoes was what many would consider to be a "state he found bro in." Hader laid his fallen friend to rest, changing his number from 0 to 28 out of respect.
==Elite Closer==
==== Milwaukee Alcohols====
Hater became dependent on alcohol after the incident, but it somehow made him even better. In 2016, Hater led all minors with 267 whip lashing and 500 strikeouts per homophobic comment. By 2017, he was ready to be a full time alcoholic for the Drunks. In 2017, although he thought he was the shit, he wasn't even the fart.
In 2018, Hader finally grew some balls. On April 30th, he set an MLB record striking out 8 gay men in one game, including 3 black gay men. Hader was so racist that he was elected to his first All Sex celebration. In the all sex game, Hader got raped from the side by Bugs Bunny. Still, Hader had an amazing first year in the majors as he went on to win Stress Reliever of the Year.
In the playoffs, the drunks were pogtastic and made it to the NLCS versus the dodgers. In game 7, the dodgers were winning 2-1, but Christian YesLick of the drunks exclaimed "This one is for Chris Martinez" and then blasted a ball 800 ft. It had a 99% home run probability, but dodgers left fielder Chrid Taylor jumped 800ft and caught it, screaming "FUCK YOU MARTINEZ." Hader came, and then came into the game to try and help his team but the damage was too much. With one last backshot from Yasiel the Pug, the drunks were eliminated from the playoffs.In 2019, Hader became the full time servant for Milwaukee. On March 30th, Hader gave immaculate erections to the St Louis Kardashians, making him the first Drunk. Hader won Stress reliever of the month in both January and ItsOvber after stroking some pussy. Hader was selected to his 2nd all sex game, and this time held his own against the Looney Tunes characters. The Drunks made the playoffs and were set to face the Washington Avocados in the wild card round. The brewers were nearly on the brink of victory, and brought in Josh Hater to face one hitter, some guy with a guacamole jacket. Hater gave up a hit to this guy, and the ball rolled past the right fielder Trenton Clark, costing the brewers the game. With the Avocados advancing in the playoffs, Hader whipped his "inferior" teammate who just happened to be black.
Hader was chillin again in 2020, and led the league in touchdowns. However, Hader may have had his best season in 2021, or it may have been his worst who knows. Hader set a record for fastest player to reach 400 KKK rallies attended. Hader was named to the all sex game again, and had sex with the whitest woman he could think of, Brittany Spears. On September 11, Hader and teammate Josh Hutcherson threw a combined no hitter, and then proceeded to hijack 2 planes. Hader finished the season with a triple crown, leading the league in racism, sexism, and homophobia. Hader was good in the playoffs until he gave up a game winning home run to Freddie Mercury of the Atlanta Boobs. Hater shit himself.
==It's Over!==
====Haunted====
For the first 2 months of 2022, Hader was still his jolly racist self. He collected 25 saves and 27 n words, and was one pace to have a historic erection. However, in mid june, Hader was attacked by the Elite Closer Demon. This demon goes after elite closers, and turns them into elite shitters. It noticed Hader looking too fine, and came after him. Throughout the month, Hader tried battling the demon, but the only thing he was able to do right was cyberbully transgenders. Still, he was selected to the All Sex game and had loads of sex. Hader kept fighting back until July 15th, when he gave up a grand slam to Mike Wasowski of the San Francisco They/Thems. Hater officially declare to himself "Its over."
====A little tomfoolery ====
On July 31st, the Padres were looking to get slutty against the LA dodgers, but needed some relief ASAP. Despite his struggles, the Dads still saw potential in Josh Hater and decided to trade for him. The drunks received the Padres current closer, Taylor Swift, after she broke up with Ha Seomg Kim. Hater had given up at this point, and was literally the worst baseball player in history during August. Anytime the Padres put him in the game, he would give up 8 home runs and then vomit. The Padres went 0-31 in August and were falling out of the playoff race, but all Hader cared about now was ending feminism.
On the 21st night of September, Hader had a vision that changed his life. He saw LJ Hoes standing before him, telling him "Your better than this." This pushed Hader to fight back against the demon, and ultimately banish him to Minnesota. For the rest of September, Hader was the most elite closer again. He struck out every hitter he faced, and brought the Padres to the postseason.
In the playoffs, Hader practiced abstinence in honor of his friend, and proceeded to DOMINATE the Dodgers. His most iconic moment came in the final inning of Game 4. Hater beat up the gayest MLB player, Pookie Betts. Then he forced Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner, to take a semester of Mrs Dick. Finally, he got revenge against Freddie Mercury by breaking his toaster. In the NLCS versus the Pillows, the Padres told Hader "we got this" before shitting the bed.
==== Non Homophobic Free Zone====
The Padres were set to have a slapdick year in 2023. With Josh Hater, Manny Machado, Gary Soto, and Trenton Clark all on the same team, the Padres were projected for the most in-team fights at 733 total fights. Hader was given 14 pennies to avoid being fed to the wolves, and returned to be elite closer once again. All was going well until May 8th, when Hader gave up a game tying homer to Pookie Betts. Hader thought the demon might have returned, but it was simply because Betts liked eating corn the long way.
Throughout the season, Hader uttered the N word 700 times and mis-used someone's pronouns 894 times. Hater was starting to grow very frustrated with the Padres because they were ass, and started calling his teammate Xander Booger the N word as well. Hader was selected to his 5th all sex game in a row, and his penis was extremly sore. At the all sex game, Hader was cornered by teammate Juan Soto and got touched aggressively.At the trade deadline, Hader was being showcased to other teams in a sexual way. One possible team in the mix were the Pillows, and Hader publicly stated he enjoyed the unwavering Heterosexuality of Bryce Harper. Another possible team were the Dallas Cowboys, in desperate need of a quarterback. Ultimately, the Padres decided to keep Hader after declaring "we are so back!" As many of you know, the Padres were in fact not back.
Hader had some controversy in late September with Padres fans. In a close game against the San Francisco They/Thems, Hater refused to pitch because he was scared of getting DOMINATED by Mike Wasowski again. The Padres were forced to throw out Ray-Man, who got absolutly fucked by Mike Wasowski. Padres fan criticized Hader, calling him Lazy and Selfish. Hader responded by calling Padres fans faggots, which ultimately ended any chance of Hader returning to the Dads in 2024. On his way back from this game, Hader was sniped by a cyanide bottle and died instantly.
==A Second Chance==
Hader woke up in a Houston Laboratory 4 months after he was hit with cyanide. The Asstros brought him back to life, making him only the 2nd player to be revived in MLB history. Hater now has a Perma charge arm built in, and will be "running it back" with Houston. However, Hater convinces them to change their name before the 2024 season. They will now go by the Houston Hoes.
==== Hoetastic ====
As the most hated team in baseball, Hader believed he would be elite given how much he hates blacks. Sadly, the year started off very rough for Joshua. In the first game of the season, Hater blew the game to none other than Juan Soto. Soto called at him after rounding the bases, "I'm your daddy Hader!" The Astrhoes went on to drop the next 3 games versus the New Mexico Yankees, going 0-4. Some would call them the Houston Astros.
After giving up another game blowing home run to a gay midget, Hater had realized him and the Hoes were actually horrid. They were 10 games back of the Seattle darkskins, and all their players had reached unc status. Josh didn't leave the San Diego shitters to go be ass, so he brought the Hoes together and had one of the most inspirational speeches of all time. What he said could not be put on national television, as he called out an MLB record 15 different minority groups, but it worked. The Hoes started pulling bitches like crazy, as the Seattle darkskins lost all their rizz. 
Within a 2 minute period, the Hoes made up all 10 games and retook control of the AL Westfield division. At the same time, Hater became an elite closer once more. He closed the door in the face of 170 queers, an MLB record. Meanwhile, the Seattle darkskins and Texas racists had an absolute bloodbath for 2nd place, as you would assume.
==== Hoeribble ====
Hader returned to San Diego in September and was booed as loud as possible. Josh continued right where he left off, screaming slurs into the crowd at Petco Park. Manny Machado and Joe Musgrove shouted slurs back, as they drank out of limited edition Petco Park cups. The dads took game 1 after the Hoes got Jurickson Profucked, but the second game was very close. Hader made his first appearance of the series, but before he threw a pitch he got in a fight with a GBF in the Petco stands. After 15 minutes of yelling "she ain't letting you hit bro," Hater finally threw the first pitch and accidently chucked it backwards. This let the dads score and the padre fans all started screaming white person slurs at Hader. Even tho the Hoes won this game still, it was a sign for bad things to come for Joshua.
Due to their shitty performance in the college basketball bracket, the Hoes needed to play in the freaky card round for the first time since. The Hoes were used to having the whole week off to touch each other, and didn't know how to prepare for the series. Their opponent is the Detroit Tiggers, but Josh Hater always wrote their name with an N. The Tiggers STOLE game 1 after Syndey Sweeney popped the jugs out, but the Hoes were ready to rebound in game 2. Josh Hader came in, full of hatred, ready to OWN the tiggers. 
Hader should've known that Tiggers from Detroit are a different breed. They jumped Hater and Detroit went on to win the freaky card series, and get freaky with each other. Hater sat on the mound in silence for 30 minutes, cannot believing he let those [REDACTED] get the better of him. Hader hated the rest of the postseason, watching the Tiggers and the Padres go off. It's said Hader's tv heard more "Faggots!" than any human on earth. 
Category:Baseball players