A story built one sentence at a time

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==Rules!==
#No writing two sentences in a row. A sentence is anything that has a period after it.
#No run-on sentences.
#No reverting or deleting what other people do unless they themselves broke a rule and you are fixing it.
#No adding random banana sentences. The story must penis make sense chicken if you read through butt it.
#No sentences longer than 40 words.
#Use tags like <nowiki> sparingly.
#Have fun!
#Last person to edit wins!!
Category:Articles that will probably never get featured, despite their popularity among Uncyclopedians
Category:Pages that look like the things they're about
Category:Writing
Category:Uncyclopedia Games
Category:Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
Category:In-jokes
Category:Incoherent
Category:A category built one article at a time
Category:Long articles that ramble on about nothing
==Story==
In the beginning of time, Chronarion made Uncyclopedia. He then lept into your mother's vagina. It was so bad that he decided to sell Uncyclopedia to Wikia FANDOM. This caused all Uncyclopedia users to immediately die. Then they were all resurrected, and they immediately decided to kill . This would cause an ever-lasting conflict between admins and users, who would fight for millenia in a bloodly, godless war for the control of THE UNCYCLOPEDIA.
Uncyclopedia subsequently became an autonomous entity, living and thinking digitally. It got tired of the senseless bloodlust that was being caused due to its own existence, and so, the autonomous website decided to put an end to it all. By burning down the White House, of course. We should blame Canada for that. Anyways, it decides to huff some things.
Ojai (/ˈoʊhaɪ/ ⓘ OH-hy; Chumash: ’Awhaỳ) is a city in Ventura County, California. It's a very boring place. That is, at least, compared to your mom's basement. Which was a very exciting place to be at last night. I could hear her screaming from upstairs. Wait, that can't be right.
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Just kidding, , and this joke still hasn't become repetitive at this time!
But really, , you should consider to add more text at this time before the day of reckoning comes and deletes you...
Fine, add something more here right now.
I don't give a shit about the age of consent right now, even if the little girls in my neighbor's basement certainly do right now.
You might not give a fuck about the age of consent right now, but I'm pretty sure there is someone who is...
It's the little girls in my neighbor's basement who care about the age of consent right now! Yeah, there's nobody else!
=== 5 minutes later ===
I heard banging on my door and some guy yelled: "FBI, OPEN UP!!!"
So I said, "Go eat shit fuckers."
And then a wizard came and yelled, "IT'S FUCKING MAGICAL OR SOMETHING!"
Wow, this wizard transported us back to a Fisher Price in 2005! This really puts me in the mood to huff some kittens.
But then a grue came out of nowhere and ripped the skin off my face, leaving the rest of my body unharmed for some reason. I now had no mouth and i really needed to scream. So I cut a "mouth" into my hand with a knife and made it scream instead. That would've worked if not for the fact that i had wished for any hurt body parts to instantly regenerate from some genie four years ago. But first, let me take a selfie. Oh shit, I see Knife Guy in the room behind me! Did you hear that knives grow out of his fingernails like he's some kind of mutant creature? Or that his organs are made out of knives? (That would be excruciatingly painful for sure.)
Anyway, as i was saying, i saw Knife Guy standing behind me, knife in hand, being only vaguely threatening somehow. Then, I suddenly had an urge to say "Finally, I'm all alone". But Knife Guy was still there, so i didn't say it. Suddenly, Knife Guy's son, Bayonet Boy, bursted out of Knife Guy's belly, leaving a pool of blood on the floor. Somehow both of them survived, with Knife Guy's belly slowly regenerating. Seeing this made me wish I didn't have eyes that day. Luckily, Bayonet Boy carved my eyes out of their sockets with his bayonet. But i quickly found out i had the same regenerative abilities, which kinda sucked. I pleaded him to cut my eyes again and replace them with ping-pong balls so they couldn't grow back, but I had forgotten that you temporarily become mute as a side effect of this regeneration.
=== A wild John appears! ===
And his name is… JOHN CENA! He's here with our wonderful Jon from Garfield, and is ready to cook the best lasagna you've ever had! Oh crap, he accidentally dropped a perc 30 in the lasagna. Wait a minute, that's not perc 30- that's viagra! I had completely forgotten about the erectile dysfunction that I had developed so long ago. Such a shame I won't get to cure my ED, since Garfield has already eaten the viagra-spiced lasagna. Then i realized that viagra is probably poisonous for cats to consume, so i immediately took him to the and 0th3r Cats An1mal H0sp1tal. That was a bad idea, since the head veterinary didn't have a vet licence and didn't know anything about actual medicine (nor lions [nor cats]) -sadly for me, I wasn't are of that at the time.
Thus Garfield died. Since he had eaten too much viagra, his corpse couldn't fit inside the tomb as there was always something sticking out of it, meaning they had to cut a hole in order for that part to fit in; this consequently made me laugh much more than I should have during Garfield's funeral. This made Jon furious, and the next time he saw me he instantly threw a lasagna bomb at me. Fortunately, Knife Guy managed to block it. It was at that moment that he realized it was a feminizing bomb, turning Knife Guy into Knife Girl. This made Jon horny... what a sick fuck.
Oh yeah, the bomb also had some explosives, so Knife Girl was hurt and subsequently sent to the hospital. At the hospital, Knife Girl was sent to the F.B.I. for over 1029485 accounts of murder, and they didn't even treat her condition. God forbid women do anything.
Because Jon was equally sad from the loss of his cat and horny from seeing Knife Girl's boobs, he decided to drown his sorrows in the local strip club. There he saw what he thought would be his future wife: Goth Garfield.
=== 5 detailed paragraphs of Jon and Goth Garfield making out or something like that ===
Mmmmmmmmhhh, ooohh yeaaaaah, ooooooooh, you're so fucking hot Jon, mmmmmmmmmmmhhhh, fuck me harder Jon, aaaaaahhhhhhh, yea like that, oooohhh *cat noises*. Fortunately, the authors really didn't feel like writing this, so they paid Knife Girl's medical bills, turning him back into Knife Guy and completely healing him.
While Jon and Gothfield were doing their... uhhh... thing, John Cena was busy dying in a fight against the FBI.
Fuck you; I don't wanna know what John Cena is doing, I want to see more steamy hot sex between Jon and Gothfield! - said an ominous voice. The ominous voice in question happened to be Knife Guy, who was literally paid to stop Jon and Gothfield from getting it on, thus betraying his contract. As a result, the writers conceived a bomb falling from the sky that would quite comically asplode next to Knife Guy, which would inflict him serious injuries; also he's a girl again now thanks to plot magic. Knife Girl was then arrested again on various accounts of murder, and Jon was arrested on an account of bestiality. But Gothfield and Jon both managed to escape the police, and resumed the fucking in John Cena's house, which was conveniently empty right now. The pair continued their erotic affair until they discovered two moose fighting with their antlers in the front yard. But then they resumed it because they don’t give a shit about what the author wants them to do. Then one moose joined in and straightened Jon's rectum with his antler. That was the day Jon discovered he was gay (or bi, at least).
Meanwhile, John Cena was busy losing his death match against the FBI. However, the FBI couldn't see John Cena, thus prolonging the battle. So they "borrowed" a bunch of mannequins from and dressed them up like themselves to bait out John Cena. John Cena foolishly approached one of the mannequins, causing the FBI to be able to see him. Then he died immediately because he wasn't relevant to the plot in the slightest. His brother Zhong Xina showed up to the scene, but he was also killed by the FBI, who then stole his bing chilling and Lao Gan Ma, as well as his social credits. Xi Jinping became really angered upon hearing that the best wrestler from his country was killed by rhe FBI, thus declaring a war on the USA because he felt like it.
While that subplot is going on, we introduce to you: paragraph 5!
Nah, not feeling like it. Here's paragraph 6 instead.
And here’s the 7th one! Paragraph 7, it was the one I played...?
=== Fuck it, welcome to my "subtract two paragraphs from the story" machine! ===
Fool; if you add a new heading, you're not subtracting any paragraphs, we're just back at paragraph #1! With this power i can finally write more about Jon and Gothfield’s relatiomship! Anyway, Xi Jinping sent soldiers to the US to avenge Zhong Xina's death. I have no clue who that is, but he sounds somewhat important, so let's see how this goes.
"Nooooooooooooooooooo, I had a chance to read more about Jon and Gothfield's relatiomship, and you had to ruined it with your Zhong Xina nonsense!", said an ominous voice, again. That voice happened to be Knife Guy, who, through the power of plot magic, somehow was restored back to health and was no longer a girl. He had been given a second chance to reappear in the story, but by betraying his contract of not bringing up Gothfield (again), the writers decided it was a bad idea and run over Knife Guy with a Ford Asploder. Anyway, Gothfield broke up with Jon after seeing how much the moose stretched his anus, and so Jon went on to get into a relationship with the moose, while Gothfield and Knife Guy declared their love for each other shortly before Knife Guy died, leaving Gothfield depressed. To deal with the loss of her crush, Gothfield bought an Ouija board and performed a satanic ritual to contact with the ghost of Knife Guy. During the conversation, Knife Guy revealed that his real name was Luigi, thus making the Ouija board a Luigi board. He then burst into a high-pitched Italian accent and yelled, "I'm a Luigi, number-a one!!!" Well, turns like all Knife Guy needed to come back to life was to give Gothfield his affection, even though he's Luigi now.
Unfortunately Gothfield forgot to say "goodbye" to the Luigi board, turning Luigi into a demon and trying to kill her, bypassing Luigi's affection for her. However, because Gothfield was goth (what a surprise), she was into kinky demon BDSM, meaning that she found Knife Guy/Luigi even hotter now. This led to a seemingly endless chase scene as Luigi was running after her and she was reluctant to run away from him. However, Gothfield eventually picked up a moccasin she found on the side of the road, then held the moccasin up to Luigi moccasinly and trapped Luigi inside the moccasin because it was a motherfucking moccasin and Gothfield loved moccasins..
Then the moccasin blew up because the laws of moccasin compression or something like that says so, giving Gothfield severe injuries, sending her to the hospital immediately. Knife Guy managed to survive being trapped in the moccasin by possessing Gothfield's left leg, until moving to her chest area. While doing this Knife Guy's testosterone got absorbed by Gothfield, turning Knife Guy into Knife Girl yet again. This doesn't really matter, as Knife Girl was now just part of Gothfield, but oh well, now Jon is gay and Gothfield is a lesbian.
=== But what about the moccasin? ===
Oh, yeah... well, the moccasin is now floating down the moccasin river, while the other moccasin is still in the shoe store as Gothfield stole the moccasins that she trapped Knife Guy in- wait sorry, I meant Knife Girl. The first moccasin ended up in the shore of the river, and was then picked up by Jon Arbuckle, who was now living in the wild with his newfound gay moose lover.
Meanwhile, somewhere near Ojai, Gothfield was struggling with depression. Now that her soul had merged with Knife Guy Girl's soul, she started craving to stab random people with knives. This led to what is now known as the "2024 Ojai knife swarm incident" after she stabbed half the town to death. Luckily, the other half of Ojai residents were wearing moccasins and were therefore spared by Knife Guy Girl. Gothfield -and Knife Girl's soul within her- is now listed in the FBI'S most wanted criminals list for her crimes against the glorious city of Ojai. The remaining population of Ojai went out en masse at midnight, armed with torches and pitchforks, stormed Knife Girl's cabin in the woods, tied her to a tree, and fucked her until her pussy could fit your whole head in it... or at least, that was their plan; however, they made a fatal mistake: they forgot to wear moccasins, and as a result, they were completely vulnerable to Knife Girl's (inside Gothfield's body) endless bloodlust of stabbing people to death. Knife Goth Girl Garfield then burned Ojai to the ground and started a massive wildfire in California, as if that didn't happen enough. Amidst this reckless chaos caused by Knife Goth Girl Garfield, a hero appeared to save the day: It was naked Jon Arbuckle, riding his gay moose lover ("riding" understood as in "riding a horse", not as in the other definition for "riding"), who was prepared to save the forest he now called home! Unfortunately, he was naked, which meant he wasn’t wearing moccasins, so both he and the moose died.
Not satisfied with the bloody chaos she had ensured, Knife Goth Girl Garfield decided to sneak in the White House and steal the President's code for launching the nukes. Unfortunately for her I destroyed all of them before she got there, because I don't want to write this story in a post-apocalyptic world. Dissapointed at this revelation, Knife Goth Girl Garfield tried to satisfy her enless urge for blood by stabbing the US President to death. This somehow gave Knife Girl her body back, and she was luckily no longer a demon. This was because Knife Girl had transfered to the President's body, making her now the President of the United States.
Knife Girl didn’t really know what to do with the powers that comes with being the POTUS. However, her girlfriend Gothfield did have an idea: allowing murder to be completely legal in the United States! Surely this won’t have any consequenses, right? What happened the following day is exactly what you think would happen.
The chaos that ensued made furious, and as such they created a plan to stop this craziness: Nothing!
The chaos ensued further, and could now see that their plan had worked; the people murderer each other to the point where it was getting difficult to find someone who was still alive. The entire earth had seemingly been covered with blood, and prayed that the blood wouldn't coalesce into a giant monster or anything.
You'll never guess what happened next. You'll never guess what happened because you already know what happened next. This means I'm not gonna bother writing it down for you. But it happened, it really did.
But you may be wondering, what happened after that? Well, Gothfield's soul became putrid after having caused the Earth to go apeshit, and Goth Garfield mutated into a hellish Lovecraftian being that went by the name of Gorefield. Gorefield and the blood monster then summoned two new armies of OPOSSUMS and Aracuans respectively that fought each other in another universe, destroying the space-time continuum.
In the chaos that was now Ojai, Gorefield realized that she could have prevented all of this from happening by rejecting Jon that fateful day. Ojai had been wiped off the map, as soon would every town and city in the whole wide world. Eventually, everything would countinue to cease existing, except for Goth Gorefield, who had doomed herself to eternity. This was when one of the writers realized something needed to be done. Perhaps, theorized the writer, we could warp to an alternate timeline that isn't on the brink of collapse, and with the wormholes everywhere that won't be too hard to do. That is when the writers realized they had fucked not just one timeline, but the entire spa0ce-time continuum, meaning they had to fix lots of things up if they wanted the dtory to progress. Everything began to bE sô fUcked uptAht evbẽn tïhs_tSöry'S tExtb3ĝAñ2to CoŕurPtttttttt&t4982tttttt;_OH śHTit**#&293792
...unfortunately, one of the writers was mistaken for a kitten and huffed from life while trying to write the previous sentence.
== Universe 2.0 ==
=== Uh oh, God accidentally reset the entire timeline ===
# In the beginning, God created the moccasins and the bat-fuck insanity. After that he decided to create James A. Garfield. And as the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters, he fed James A. Garfield through his asshole. Charles J. Guiteau didn't like this at all, but what was he supposed to do about it? All Guiteau could do was wait for himself to respawn in this new universe and re-assassinate Garfield, and that could take anywhere from a second to a billion years.
#I’ll let you guess what happened next. And before what happened next, God created a town for Himself deep below the surface of the Earth, and He named it Olo, for it was a low counterpart to Ojai. Then he changed the town’s name to Oslo because it turns out no one knew how to spell "Olo" correctly. Then he built Bergen 2: Electric Boogaloo on the location of where San Francisco stood in the previous universe, above ground this time. Then he moved the entire island of Britain into the Pacific to simulate the North Sea.
#Unluckily for God, His first creation, James A. Garfield, got fed of being fed through the anus and made a deal with Satan to change his imperfect human body to the perfect body of a cat, becoming the beloved comic strip sensation Garfield; God, angered that Garfield had made a deal with His arch-nemesis, banished the orange cat from the Garden of Eden, who then went to murder the famous plumber Mario from hit game Super Mario Bros. Good thing that Mario had stocked up on green mushrooms.
#Meanwhile, God was busy trying to set up a consolidation price for all the Bergen inhabitants that had their culture shamelessly ripped off by a bunch of Californians. The State of California, feeling called out by God, decided to bribe with Satan, who once again used this opportunity to get God mad -just because he can. God was pissed off by this of course, but he wasn't exactly able to do anything about it, mainly because Satan had somehow found a way to make himself immune against all of God's tricks. So a random person came out of nowhere and made it all right, which as they call in theater, a "non-god in a machine", the lowest form of creativity. What God didn't know was that the person making it "all-right" was actually one of Satan's pawns, and Satan's defeat was yet another one of his japes! Suddenly, Guile's theme started playing. This summoned a fight-ready Chuck Norris, but he was defeated almost immediately by Jon Arbuckle... somehow. Jon Arbuckle celebrated his victory by building a pentagram to summon Goth Girl Garfield's soul, so that he could slay some demonic Garfussy. Jon didn't have a clue how to perform satanic rituals, and accidentally summoned Knife Guy instead.
#Then Knife Guy pulled the mask off his face, revealing that he was, in fact, Charles Guiteau: Guiteau had finally returned! He stabbed Jon and ventured off in search of Garfield so he could assassinate him.
#God said, "Let there be something going insane in Discord." And so PF4Eva was made. Then he said, "Let there be something going even more insane in Uncyclopedia". And then John was sentenced to pregnancy, presumably for sending dick pics to his Discord kittens. John was then sentenced to manual labor, presumably for putting ketchup on his pizza in the presence of an Italian communist.
#God then realised that He was taking too much time in building the universe and everything in it, and so He invented the Monster Energy only to then drink it Himself; this way God managed to create Life, the Universe, and Everything in less than two seconds.
#In that first millisecond, he tried reinventing Knife Girl, but he wasn’t able to do that for some reason.
#In the second millisecond, he was drunk, and managed to recreate Luna, who went into hiding.
#In the third millisecond he was still drunk, so he created the first Russian, just so he could have a human friend.
#In the fourth millisecond, he got over his drunkenness somehow, and killed this person who should not be named before he was even born.
#In the fifth millisecond he accidentally tripped into a massive pile of cocaine he had just created, giving him a bunch of heart attacks.
#The sixth millisecond didn't happen since God had died from all his heart attacks.
#The seventh millisecond God hit the integer limit for heart attacks, subsequently bringing him back to life.
#In the eighth millisecond, God realized that learning how to die from heart attacks and immediately come back to life would be a very useful power.
#In the ninth millisecond, God made it so that moccasins could be duplicated, which would definitely not backfire on him later.
#In the eleventh millisecond, God realized that he couldn't count.
#In the first second, God decided to wait the rest of the one second to see what would happen.
#In the second second, God went back for seconds. Also, native Americans learned about the duplicating power of moccasins.
#In the twentieth point on this point-list one of the writers are expressing their disdain for writing the story this way.
#In the 95883945999395th second, the Native Americans have successfully utilized the power of moccasin duplication to produce over 9000 moccasins.
=== The return of Knife Girl ===
The Knife Girl returns. Native Americans parachuted moccasins to the location of absolutely everyone, including Knife Girl. Unfortunately she gained an immunity to moccasins when she was brought back here. Knife Girl is driven mad and stabs all of the Native Americans, whiping out the entire population of America at the moment. All they wanted to do was provide moccasins for everyone, how could Knife Girl do such a thing? That's an easy question to answer:Knife Girl is pure evil incarnate, and stabbing people is her only passion. The few surviving Apaches and Haidas (on vacation at the moment!) have gained permission from the U.S. and Canadian governments respectively to declare war on Knife Girl, since both governments see Knife Girl as a national threat that MUST be wiped out at all costs. In order to momentarily stop Knife Girl, the government of the US and Canada employed fake vampires, which would hopefully distract Knife Girl. These fake vampires charged Knife Girl with a whopping monkey sins. She then charged them with an even more whopping donkey pins, bankrupting the fake vampires and making them turn on their overlords. Overall, the plan to stop Knife Girl was an absolute floppasin.
...hey wait a second, is that John?
=== John and His Newborn Child ===
And his name is NOT John Cena. His name is DEATH. That's quite an interesting name, he also had the child with Knife Girl which I guess explains it. Death had just been born and he was already stabbing the doctors from the hospital and the patients as well, ensuing chaos and midchief; her mamma would be proud! DEATH quickly changed his name from Death to DEATH, and by the first hour after being born, was already considered one of the most dangerous serial killers, having over 500 confirmed kills. It was soon confirned that DEATH was the antichrist himself, fated to bring chaos and havoc to the world God had just created two minutes ago. Luckily, there was a random moccasin stash at a nearby moccasin factory, where over 500 moccasins duplicated by the Native Americans during the moccasin duplication epoch were stored, and DEATH was highly allergic to moccasins.
Wait, where the fuck did the moccasins go? They were too scared of DEATH; what a bunch of pussies! Well, we and the Native Americans can work together to duplicate moccasins.
Just one problem: all our moccasins are gone!
=== The Depletion of the moccasins ===
Where did they go?!
=== The Quest to Find and Retrieve the moccasins ===
Wait, what if we use the growing moccasins text? Wait, what, moccasins text can grow? Well, the word moccasins grows every time it appears, so yes, the moccasins text can grow.
The power of the moccasins is taking over this page!
I cast moccasin minimization spell!
It failed misserably!
Luckily that just means that it missed massively, so let's try this again.
Time for the biggest moccasins of all time!!!
Fool; that is not even an ounce of power that the moccasins can hold!!!
Congratulations, we just increased the length of the story by a factor of OVER 9000! Now Chuck Norris will invade Your Mom's basement and all your base are belong to His property thanks to His 1337 h4x0r skills, firing his lazor and huffing some kittens in George W. Bush's presidental office; bringing Uncyclopedia back to the glorious year of 2005... in Soviet Russia, all our base belong to YOU!
=== Umm, whats that shaking, and why does it look like the moon is getting closer to Earth? ===
Oh no, the moccasins are affecting the orbit of the moon! These moccasins were too big for any human being, yet we still built them for the sake of our own ego; and now our greed and hubris are going to kick us in the ass!
Once again, i cast moccasin minimization spell! Once again, this doesn't work, but instead causes Chuck Norris to huff kittens, therefore transporting us back to 2005, where George Bush doesn't care about black people and Kanye West is wearing moccasins while firing his lazor, thus making all of our base belong to him, including Soviet Russia.
Wait, is 4.252.99.182 casting Fisher Price?! Oh shit, I think he is, and we have just merged 2020scruft with 2005cruft, so now Kanye West is going in moccasins to fight 4.252.99.182 to prevent him from casting Fisher Price while he has also infected a whole town with Amogus on his way there. This has caused a time-space-continuum-fuckery of memes, where Kanye West will never give you up, Space Jam features Big Chungus, Skibidi Toilet is firing his lazor, I alredy drew you as the soyjak and I as the trollface, Snoop Dogg is drinking lean everyday, all your base are belong to Among Us, Oscar Wilde is wearing moccasins, and Chuck Norris has merged with Keanu Reeves to form the ultimate lifeform, Keanu Norris.
That's great and all, but the moon is still going to crash into the Earth.
Fear not, for Keanu Norris, the literal incarnation of the Übermensch, is here to save the day! Except he isn't, because we've been transported to 2014 and he's not relevant now. Actually, we somehow managed to cleanse this timeline, so none of these memes are relevant, with the sole exception of Kanye West, who's still here. It might be time to bring back the 2015 era of memes, because we're hitting cringe levels that shouldn't be possible. Damn, now we're in 2015, and weed is everywhere, Snoop Dogg and Kanye West are plotting something to stop the moon from hitting the Earth, and LeafyIsHere is gaining popularity, meaning we have another threat.
Unfortunately Leafy doesn't have a character arc at all, so he's probably gonna be completely irrelevant within a year. I'm laughing my ass off at a video of Shrek anally penetrating a 9-year-old. The moon also saw that video, and was so disgusted that he left the Earth and travelled in the other direction, therefore saving the world. Wait, won't that screw up the marine ecosystems or something because there aren't tides anymore? Uhh, yeah, and Kanye West and Snoop Dogg aren't aware that the moon turned away from the Earth, so they encouraged everyone to start smokin hella weed, and now the atmosphere is 5% THC, thus ruining the terrestrial ecosystem as well.
=== Funny things ===
I like funny things as long as they're expensive. These were the words of Kanye West, while giving his speech at the White House for his candidature as US President. Against all odds, Kanye West managed to secure the Republican Party nomination for the 2016 election, while Snoop Dogg managed to secure the Democrat Party nomination for the 2016 election, putting two former allies against each other. Tired of outdated politics, Snoop Dogg renamed the party as the Marihuana Party; Kany West, on his part, reformed the party as the Yeezus Party. The presidential debate would've gone pretty good, but both candidates had smoked an unbelievable amount of weed beforehand, making it amazing as they were high as fuck. Mirror mirror on the wall, who upon Earth is the highest of all? It's you, Kanye, it's youuuuuu *Kanye West then proceeds to passionately kiss his own reflection on the mirror*
Meanwhile, at Alpha Centuri, a moon that flew in at light speed smashed into the planet and obliterated it and shards rained everywhere destroying the rest of the solar system causing a black hole to grow so fat it had 500 heart attacks and died. The death of this black hole led to the implosion of a supernova that killed everyone on Earth except Snoop Dogg, Kanye West and Keanu Norris; the unexpected death of the Earth forced God to reset the universe yet again.
== Universe 3.0 ==
Aw man, we live in the timeline when Michael Jackson went from white to black, not the other way around. God has fucked up big time this time around, and accidentally created a mirror universe where everything works the way it shouldn't - except for Kanye West and Snoop Dogg, who remained alive from the other universe. So what are you waiting for, who wants to see the duo FIGHT?
They have someone to fight, too, since Luna from one universe went into the other universe thanks to Luna's dreams, and they started duplicating each other infinitely with this method. It should be cleared that these Lunas have nothing to do with the one from A story built one word at a time, since they come from different universes; they are as evil and chaotic as this Luna, though. The infinite Lunas started spilling into the other universes, starting with this one! Oh shit, I don't think Kanye West and Snoop Dogg are powerful enough to stop Luna on their own! Fortunately, they have Keanu Norris on their- oh wait, nevermind, Keanu Norris just died from a cocaine overdosis.
=== THE DIMENSIONAL MERGE IS UPON US! ===
Lets oil up bitches with a new sentence in this god damn story! Yee haw!
This is the moment where Goth Garfield appears; however, as this was now a mirror universe, Manic Pixie Dream Girlfield showed up instead, wearing overtly colorful clothes and drinking Monster Energy from a cup that said "I L❤VE Mondays". However, it was not monday, it was in fact notmonday, and it was time for bed, so the L10n used Callable(Callable(, "go_to_bed"), "call").call(). Did I mention that I snort lines in the park? Also, did I just become a lawyer for OJ Simpson? Well, yes, but O.J. Simpson is dead, so this means I'm in hell, which I guess I should've figured out by now.
After ages of inactivity, another sentence has been written; this page has been revived. O.J. Simpson was also revived along with it, and we're no longer in hell, we are now in nolongerinhell. We discovered that Garfield, is in fact, canonically friends with O.J. Simpson. This dimensional merge shit is weird, and Ian Brandon Anderson and the TRUE and HONEST Christian Weston Chandler are fighting over godhood in the new dimension, 1C-211987, but alas, O.J. Simpson, Garfield, and maybe even Gothfield and Knife Guy will come together to fix this mess! Why are they not here yet?
You fools; O.J. Simpson, Garfield, Gothfield and Knife Guy have all been trapped by the evil mastermind, Dio Brando! He yelled out "ZA WALDO" really loudly, causing O.J., Garfield, Gothfield and Knife Guy to temporarily become deaf and therefore become easy to capture, while Christian Chandler could be heard in the background telling Sonichu to "zap 'em to the extreme". Luckily, that was just the imposter, Ian Brandon Anderson, and the TRUE and HONEST Christian Weston Chandler was coming with Asperchu to save everyone. The Idea Guys began to pressure Chris-Chan into incorporating Moccasinia the into the CWCverse as allies of the Ancient CheROCKian Clan. However, it should be noted that this universe' s version of Moccasinia is different from the one you might be accustomed with; for instance, despite what its name might suggest, this Moccasinia doesn't worship moccasins, but sneakers; also, it's ruled by the mighty fist of Will Smith.
The story must go on forever for some reason, so let's create a sworn enemy of Will Smith to keep this semi-interesting. Lets see, how about a girl named Luna - or is that overly cliche? Ian Brandon Anderson has declared that Luna is now his heartsweet, and the triumvirate of Ian, Luna, and Sonichu are going to conquer this universe.
STOP!!!!
HAMMER TIME!
Perhaps unknowingly, by vandalizing this page was now destined to be hammered to death on a Mayan altar. Ahem, did you mean that 202.92.132.251 would be boiled to death in the Brazen Buffalo Moccasin inside of Mokkááwŝen's shrine in the town of You-Don't-Give-A-Shit? Then again, why can't we do both?
Then, a giant animal monkey appeared and started destroying the universe while of course Kurtz hides in Cambodia, and You are dead. Oh God, we have already destroyed the universe TWICE, why do you want to cause this incident all over again, Colonel Kurtz?
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL for the lulz.-Colonel Kurtz
=== ᒿᙏᙀᑕᖺ4ᙏᗴ - OPOSSUM ===
God, who got fed up of having to restore the universe whenever it went to total shit, decided to stop procrastinating and build a Holy ArmyTM formed by heroical members capable of destroing this new menace; which included: Kanye West, Snoop Dogg, Jon Arbuckle, Garfield, Gothfield, Charles Guiteau, Knife Guy, M.C. Hammer, Barack Obama, famous American basketball player Charles Barkley, Dante from the Devil May Cry Series, and Oscar Wilde, because why the fuck not. Don't forget Willy on Wheels, I mean the real one! Unfortunately they were all hit with a feminization spell while posing for a photo shoot.
The members of The Holy ArmyTM were all shocked by this sudden feminization; they searched for the cause of this spell, only to see... A wizard did it it was the doing of the Luna clones©! As such they immediately asked them how they managed to do this, because this could be fairly useful in their mission. Of course, the Lunas, being the evil beings they are, just want to watch the world burn, so they didn't give them an answer and instead just gave The Holy ArmyTM the finger. This pissed Kanye West off, but he’s completely useless, so he couldn’t really do anything. Snoop Dogg thought a new plan: let's pit the Lunas against each other! You might be wondering how he's supposed to do that, and the answer to that is quite simple: he doesn't know how either.
As of now, the writers seem to have forgotten that our so-called heroes have been hit by Luna's feminizing beam, meaning that Kanye West is now Kanya West, Snoop Dogg is now (what is rhe feminine version of Snoop, again?) Dogg, Knife Giy is now Knife Girl (once again(, Gothgirl Garfield is still Gothgirl Garfield (she was already a girl, so the beam doesn't work on her), and so on. We are truly living in a cursed timeline indeed, but don't you dare reset it, we've already done that twice.
Too late; the Lunas have already pressed the "reset" button, just to piss everyone off, in typical Luna fashion. All it did was reset your virginity. Of course, you never even had sex to begin with, so it's not like it worked.
This whole confrontation had so far been a huge waste of time, and Gothfield thought the same, so she tried recruiting all the Lunas to the Holy Army™️. She failed misserably, because the Lunas were in favour of destroying the universe and resetting it only to destroy it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again...
It was at this point that a content-starved Undertale fan randomly appeared and pointed out that you could do the above in Undertale, but no one present seemed to care all that much about that. Suddenly, Sans Undertale appeared from nowhere and started dunking on the Luna clones, helping the Holy Army™️ to end the Luna threat. Unfortunately Sans couldn’t keep dunking for long, because the Luna clones are taller than him and can as such just T-pose over him, which is exactly what they did. Thankfully for our heroes, The Amazing Papyrus came into scene to save the day! He's decided to use his SPECIAL ATTACK! His special attack was to scare the Lunas by showing them his incredible abs, but then Papyrus realized he had no abs because he was a skeleton, so instead decided to call Undyne, who started to lift the Lunas, just because she could. Then Alphys appeared to recommend some "human history" to the Holy Army™️.
That was when the crew suddenly remember that there was a giant monkey destroying the universe, and half of it had already been reduced to dust by now.
Then a hot anime babe Tm (along with Frodo and Kurtz for some reason) came along and started hunting down the 4chan trolls who were about to end the Holy Army Tm. Tm Tm Tm Tm Tm Tm Tm Tm went the Tms. While the Lunas were dying faster than they were duplicating, there were still over 9 million Lunas, compared to the Holy Army which had about 100 people, thus causing God to call Christian Weston Chandler and Asperchu for help.
But they were too late and the universe died and no god ever revived it and it always stayed dead and nothing ever happened...except for the last hope...AZATHOTH THE LORD; he was stuck in a void though.
However, AZATHOTH THE LORD, stuck in his little world, tried to get out; and even though the void was slowly killing him, AZATHOTH THE LORD managed to have enough strength to fulfill his last wish; and thus, in his dying breath, a new universe was born... again again again.
But in AZATHOTH THE LORD's (you must always refer to Him as that) death, a ring was created: the cycle of the universes depended on thus, for it was like the spinning of the wheels on a car that kept the Universe coming; should it ever be destroyed, the universe would end: hope that nobody does this thing...ever...
== Universe 4.0 ==
God was at this point extremely tired of having to create new universes every few days, so he just created Luna and made her do it instead. Then God said "Lets do the Sandy Frank song!" and it began: "Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank! He's the source of all our pain! Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank! Gads 'bout the house all day! Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank! Gets horrid movies from Japan! Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank! Then they're all poorly dubbed! Sandy Frank! Sandy Frank! Spielberg won't return his calls!"
Everyone (and by that i mean just Luna, she hadn't had time to create the universe yet) agreed that God was probably crazy, and as such decided to summon his arch-nemesis just to fuck with him. God had gotten tired of Luna by this point, and so he decided to get a clean slate and just reset everything, thus giving birth to OMNIVERSE 2. But he was still too tired to create another universe, so he just created a Luna that wouldn't annoy the living hell out of him to do it instead. Sadly, both Lunas began fighting each other, destroying both universes.
==OMNIVERSE II==
In the beginning, there was nothing. And the word was trunalimunumapzure, and trunalimunumapzure was with AZATHOTH.AZATHOTH was bored of this continuous nothing, so AZATHOTH decided to create the kitten just to huff it.
Luna couldn't understand whatever the hell that was about, so she just summoned a bunch of lesbians to keep her company. Then AZATHOTH cursed Luna: "Cursed in the universe of the magical doohickey of Trunalimunumapzure! Now trynalimunumapzure will condemn you to a thousand years of being tempted by Colonel Kurtz!" OPOSSUM had a stroke trying to read this and fucking died.
" NO OPPOSUM!!!!!! " cried ot DaniPine; but it was too late, the brain rot hath consumed the rodent, and now there was no more life in his eyes, nor mocassins on his feet.The reason the moccasins were gone from OPOSSUMs feet was because they were stolen by L10nM4st3r in the midst of him dying. Well, opossums aren't rodents, they're marsupials, so let's root out the rat in our audience together. Oh fuck, I should've searched what opossums were before writing anything; now I look like an idiot... No problem, I used to think that pigs were related to elephants. And i used to think Hungarians were related to Huns. I used to think that I was related to my mom and my dad. And i used to think moccasins were food.
In the meanwhile, God got bored and realized the universe used to be much better before, so he decided to create a machine that could inverse the flow of time-space continuum and get back to OMNIVERSE I, or whatever it is called now. Unfortunately Luna beat him to it, and threw herself straight into the machine, shattering her across words and paragraphs. Each of these tiny Luna-giblets materialized into a giant Caillou (one Caillou for each universe), adding greatly to the global nuisance.
"The horror...the horror" said Colonel Kurtz as he realized he will be forever returning to the same conciousness after death. Mechasin from that other universe was just the beginning, Omegacaillou will be fucking LIT.
"Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven," said Satan upon being banished by AZATHOTH. Unfortunately Dante wasn't born yet, so there wasn't exactly any hell to reign over. God then sued AZATHOTH over copyright infringement, for plagiarizing his auto-biographical book, Paradise Lost. But he sadly lost the subsequential court case because the justice system is awful and AZATHOTH is rich enough to bribe the judges. Due to this, God initially wanted to reset the universe once again, but he then realized that this would not stop AZATHOTH. It was then when God decided to bring back The Holy ArmyTM (including Papyrus and Sans) and use it against AZATHOTH; only that way could the past universe be brought back without horrible consequences.
But AZATHOTH had a secret weapon: the Ring of the Universe Cycle Cycle Ring Cycle. He destroyed it, and the universe stopped coming into existence despite the fact that the universe had only begun one time, and thus the HOLY ARMY was destroyed. However, a crucial detail was forgotten: While the real Willy on Wheels was destroyed with The Holy ArmyTM, the fake Willy on Wheels was on vacation, so he was still alive. AZATHOTH then died(he isn't dead tho), and thus begun the INFINIVERSE PING PONG OF MULTITUNES. John was stuck halfway between being alive and dead. "I love you!" said John to AZATHOTH. AZATHOTH stared at the half-dead John in confusion, since nobody had ever said "I love you" to him. AZATHOTH's confusion and uncertainty caused a chemichal reaction to combust within AZATHOTH, which would in turn cause a gigantic asplosion even bigger than the biggest supernova, to the point that would reverse the expansion of the known universe, creating a chain of events that would lead to the inversion of the flow of time-space continuum, taking us back to...
== UNIVERSE 1.0 (x2!) ==
OK, so where were we again? Oh, right, we weren't anywhere specific because the universe was reset back to the original one. We're back to the point where Gothfield causes a worldwide bloodshed and loses her insanity to become Gorefield; albeit this time, due to time-space-continuum fuckery, The Holy ArmyTM is here to save the day (and the universe)!
Somehow, AZATHOTH was not dead (or maybe he was but its impossible to tell since He is eldritch). But he was quickly dying, because as it turns out he has no blood connection to the brain. Watching a primordial being like AZATHOTH die is the most fucked-up thing you'll ever watch; fat seemed to throb back and forth inside of him while his skin slowly changed color, bits and pieces of skin fell off him while blood poured out of his eyes and he made an awful, ear-shattering sound halfway between a screech and a low-pitched rumble. AZATHOTH was being killed by the presence of Gorefield, since having two eldritch beings in the same space can only bring catastrophical consequences. The Writer realized that Gorefield was a shitty self-insert that was a ripoff of AZATHOTH and thus Gorefield was promptly pwned. However, Gorefield was stronger than the writer, and since (s)he had been here first before AZATHOTH, it was the latter one the one that was a shitty rip-off; thus, AZATHOTH was the one that ended gettimg pwned.
J. K. Rowling had fortunately seen all of this, so she ended up going insane and was given "treatment" at the Sunny Meadows Mental Institution. Anyways AZATHOTH died and no one ever cared. This was the result of the Retard Stick, the most powerful weapon even capable of defeating God. The Retard Stick was quickly confiscated by the Galactic Police Force, and all we can do is hope that they will use it well, but they are just as likely to cause even more chaos and destruction. But in a massive plot twist, it was the Retard Stick that caused chaos, because it made the entire Galactic Police Force melt into flesh puddles. Gorefield began to Default Dance on top of the flesh puddle while screaming "SUCK MY MUCK! SUCK MY MUCK!". Thankfully, the Retard Stick made Gorefield mentally retarded, and thus Gorefield just became a spastic monster in space that did not do anything other than utter dinosaur noises.
With this huge madness going on, people had completely forgotten about the fact that Gorefield was consuming the entire universe, and if no one did anything, it would be reset to Universe 2.0 again (and we don't want that, do we?). Luckily Luna had realized this, and as such, she instantly leapt into space to defeat Gorefield. However, even though Gorefield had become retarded, it still was capable of killing Luna pretty easily (albeit not on purpose); as such, Luna called Kanye West and Snoop Dogg to help her kill the beast.
Meanwhile, Frodo was existing. He liked watching movies about rings, but unfortunately that had led him to watch The Ring, meaning that he was gonna be dead within a week. Then he got the Ring of the Nibelung (not the One Ring, we don't have those rights). At least he has something to entertain him during his last days. Then Luna came out of nowhere abd stole Frodo's ring to use it against Gorefield. Then the writer of that last sentence got a massive fact check because they didn't know that none of those two are actual rings. The Writer pwned the previous sentence. In an amazing turn of events, Luna formed an alliance with The Holy ArmyTM against AZATHOTH and Gorefield, although Knife Guy and Gothfield couldn't make it since they were a part of Gorefield, and the fake and the real Willy on Wheels couldn't make it since they were both battling it out in another universe. So AZATHOTH survived? WHO KNEW!!
AZATHOTH was actually in a state similar to the one of Schrodinger's cat; dead and alive at the same time.
=== The Stupidverse ===
Oh no, AZATHOTH died again. Like, not in a Schrödinger's cat kind of way this time, but rather in a JFK kind of way. It was murdered by the fake Willy on wheels, who accidentaly spilled a burrito in AZATHOTH's mouth, killing AZATHOTH with the power of sheer spiciness.
Then, all of a sudden, Samara crawled out of a nearby TV screen and killed Frodo, exactly one week after he watched The Ring. Thankfully, Frodo got the Ring of the Nibelung (not the One Ring, we do not have those rights) and caused the end of the world as we know it, and he felt fine. Then, Frodo remembered that the end of the world as we know it was already happening and it wasn't because of his own doing, and felt sad again. "Mocca-" said a guy; "Alright, we get it!" said Frodo. "Sins, you can't stop me!" said the guy! Then the Independence Day aliens showed up and started blasting the Mocassins Guy.
Samara was now pissed off at the fact that Frodo cheated death, so she set up a trap in which there was a "sacred" ring in a TV museum. Frodo recalled his memories from The Lord of the Rings, and the ID4 aliens blasted Samara while Frodo did something. But that didn’t work, considering she is literally a ghost and can’t really die or get hurt or something like that. A paradox: if Samara cannot get hurt, then how come she can drag Frodo to the tv screen? Frodo was confused by this paradox, and said "waht is the awnser?" The answer, of course, is that Samara has the cheese touch, and she needs to kill the entire list of characters to get rid of it. Frodo died. Nobody killed him or anything; he just suddenly died, like that, and Samara got angry that the guy got to die before being killed by her. But she can't really do anything, because her only method of actually killing someone is making them watch The Ring and then waiting a week. Fortunately, that's pretty inefficient, and can be completely blocked by wearing moccasins. *insert unfunny "alright we get it" joke here*. Gorefield felt like she should right her wrongs, so she threw a moccasin at the ring, causing both of them to explode, killing over 9000 people and destroying most of the world's moccasins, with the only surviving moccasins being in the moccasin vault, which contained over 9000 moccasins moccasinly.
"ALRIGHT THE MOCASSSIN JOKE IS OLD ANYONE WHO THINKS IT IS STILL FUNNY IS A RETARD" screamed a guy. Then he proceeded to start making that exact joke on various Reddit communities. Then he died. What a dumbass, he can't even spell moccasins correctly, and he's a Redditor. Then the universe restarted again due to teh amount of unfunny self-referential jokes (like this one) being used in the face of actual humor.
But the universe refused to reset, as it was tired of resetting again and again, instead of apdvancing the story (because there was a story, remember that?). Now that Gorefield, AZAZOTH, Gothfield, Knife Guy, and Samara are all dead, the world is mostly peaceful, and there's not much to write about. BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY exclaimed God; unfortanutely, a Colonel Kurtz appeared for no reason.
But it wasn't quite the end yet, because Gollum showed up to ramble about his lost preshussssssss. In the city of Faya-Largeau, Chad, Gollum began to ramble about his girlfriend, although no one could understand him since people in Chad don't speak English. Meanwhile, Kurtz somewhere up the Nung River.
It was then when the Luna clones appeared, seeking to cause chaos and destruction; however, after seeing Coronel Kurtz had already started to cause chaos and destruction, the Lunas decided to fight Kurtz in a battle that would decide who's the most chaotic of them. However, Kurtz was already waging war against Them to fight the Lunas.
===The Kurtz-Luna Hyperwar of 2024===
The armies of Kurtz and Luna first met in the city of Pickleland, where Kurtz managed to kill many Luna clones and forced her to retreat. Kurtz's 2nd Air Cavalry Squad launched an assault against Them while the Lunas went back, utterly annihilated; the ultimate goal of Kurtz was to get the Retard Stick so the Lunas would go spastic again. As they didn't have their moccasins, Kurtz forced Them to retreat before significant casualties happen, thus making Kurtz the victor of the Battle of Pickleland, but the Kurtz-Luna Hyperwar continued. Laser beams are being shot continuously in the sky while it all happens. These laser beams didn't do anything, but they looked cool as fuck, and historians think that the Lunas may have been intimidated by them.
=== The Danube River Offensive ===
A year into the fighting, Kurtz figured out that Lunas were hiding at the end of Danube; so Kurtz decided to secretly go up the river and attack as many stations in the Danube River as possible. Unfortunately, the Lunas had discovered the moccasin stash by this point, and, due to Luna's ability to manipulate moccasins, Kurtz was met with an onslaught of moccasins, forcing him to retreat and almost killing him. Then Kurtz was killed by the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia because he ripped Móckasiins plushies to shreds. Thankfully, Kurtz managed to avoid the Mocassins by realizing they were really shitty weaponry and burning them. Unthankfully, Kurtz was killed two sentences ago, so the previous one was actually written in the past. Rendering the previous sentence impotent, Kurtz was actually both alive and dead somehow and he was both in the afterlife and in reality. Then put an end to this and killed Kurtz because he messed up the previous sentences by adding nowiki-tags. Thank God that the world is now dominated by an alliance of Luna and Them.
The universe was finally in a state where God didn’t need to fix anything, so he got himself a cap that says "women want me, fish fear me" and decided to compete in a fishing tournament. This fishing tournament took place on the moccasin river, and went pretty good, but 90% of what was caught were just moccasins.
===The Time of Peace===
The world had currently fallen into a state of peace, and everyone around the world returned to their homes and began to edit Uncyclopedia, just like the good old days. Suddenly, INGSOC.
===The End of the Time of Peace (that was quick, huh?)===
A new world order had appeared, and was trying to take over the whole world; it was none other than the evil empire of INGSOC! But fret not, Winston Smith is here to save the day! Winston formed an alliance with Them and Luna, and the combined armies encountered INGSOC's forces near the city of Gonder, Ethiopia, where INGSOC secured a victory, but with high casualties.
=== The Danube River Offensive, Pt 2 ===
If the Danube River offensive was the high budget action movie that did well at thee box office, then Pt 2 is the low budget sequel produced by Asylum films. It starts with the outbreak of the second Yugoslav war, which includes weirdly detailed information about how committing war crimes feels like and why you should do it.
But that was yesterday
You already got that night, it was yesterday.
Nope, God doesn't want to deal with this at all. Unfortunately, the show must go on. God decided not to intervene this time. This Danube River offensive was slightly more successful than the previous one, as nobody died since both sides ran away instantly. Then they came to Do Lung again, and the rapid advancement turned to unending trench fighting.
Wait, why is the plot about warfare now? The hippies died out, as they were allergic to moccasins and decided to join Kanye West and Snoop Dogg in the marijuana dimension, so pacifism no longer existed. Meanwhile, INGSOC bombed Danube with NAPALM IN THE MORNING, the ultimate weapon. Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and Monty Python and a bunch of other characters that i can't name because of some word limit showed up and reset the timeline back to the first universe. Except they didn't, because we're already in the first universe and they have no power. Conveniently, the True Power (we still do not have the rights to the One Power from Wheel of Time) awakened inside of them. Then they roundhouse kicked Chuck Norris into oblivion, subsequently gaining those powers. Unfortunately, they still couldn't reset the universe since we had reached our free trial of universe resets. The Lunas and Them (who the fuck are them, anyways?) used this chaotic chain of events in their favour, releasing an army of Lunas and Them (no, seriously, who the fuck are they???) to the INGSOC territories while Big Brother was distracted watching Chuck Norris getting sent to the stratosphere. Emmanuel Goldstein then appeared and teamed up with Winston Smith to beat the shit out of Big Brother. However, by the time Goldstein and Winston had appeared, Luna had already finished the job by herself. Feeling satisfied, she decided to go home to spend some time with her new girlfriend.
===Luna-Valerie fun time===
Now that peace has been restored, Luna is now free to spend time with her girlfriend, Valerie, while both of them are wearing moccasins. Unfortanutely, they died. Somehow, Knife Guy came back to life, and stabbed them! However, somehow, Luna and Valerie came back to life, and stabbed him back. Lesbians mean diversity equota fulfillment, now back to the show! "That's what we are just to you, an equota fulfillment?", said Luna, and stabbed the narrator to death.
This stabbing had now turned Knife Guy into Knife Girl, which is a totally original plot twist i'm sure we've never seen before. Knife Guy's revival also led to the revival of his long time rival: Dracula. However, Knife Guy didn't revive, he just changed gender while dead, meaning Dracula wasn't alive either. Pissed off by this, the currently dead Dracula would probably become extremely transphobic if he ever got revived, so let's keep him in his coffin. Then the Retard Stick (remember that?) re-revealed itself to the world by making Knife Girl a spastic knife uttering dinosaur noises.
Meanwhile, Luna and Valerie kept kissing, hugging, and doing generally everything that every lesbian in love does. Then they were interrupted by the Inner Party, who were seeking revenge for the murder of Giant Bro."Lesbians do not exist because we have decided they do not exist."
 -O'brien, probablyUpon saying his words, Valerie vanished in thin air. Enraged by this, Luna resurrected Knife Girl and subsequently started a massive battle against the Inner Party members. Because the Retard Stick had been re-revealed through Knife Girl's corpse, Knife Girl now had the powers of the Retard Stick, which helped her beat the Inner Party members quicker. Unfortanutely, one does not simply use the Retard Stick to their will. But the Retard Stick is no match for the knife of Knife Girl, so it doesn’t really matter. Either way, it took about 5 minutes for every single member of the Inner Party to become the opposite of alive. Gollum saw this, and the Breaking of the Fellowship too. This caused him to cry, which made a few people in the city of Koro Toro, Chad, wet. "It turns out that this is not geographically possibly--" said a nerd who was shutup by AZATHOTH (guess he's back). Luna then quickly shutup AZATHOTH in return because she was still angry. Gollum has no idea that any of this happened, as he was going Kitten Golfing, a traditional sport in South Chad. Then AZATHOTH floated back up 2 space. Just kidding, he was launched up there by Winston because he got quite annoyed by the fact that everyone defeated INGSOC before he could. Then there still was the threat of Them.
=== But who the hell is Them? ===
WHO KNOWS? I am Willy on Wheels, but I don't know about Them."THESE ARE MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE!!"
-Captain of the No Shit Sherlock Crew
All i know is that every single member of Them is non-binary.
"LOL!!" I managed to fool you all! There is not Them! Just so goofy scam made to scare you1''Them nuts look quite tasty tonight. Deeeez Nuuuts! LOL DONGS!!!!!!! Anyways, Gollum was pretty bad at Kitten Golfing.
====== Gollum's War with Kitten Golfing ======
Gollum moved up the Anduin to the Falls of Rauros to attack a local kittel golfing spot. While he managed to beat up some villagers, he eventually got a kitten golfed into his head, which almost killed him. Then he found the Golden Moccasin lying around, and decided to take it with him because it looks shiny. Unbeknownst to him, upon taking the golden moccasin, Gollum had activated a complex contraption that made a comically big box fall on top of him, keeping Gollum trapped. Gollum decided to put the golden moccasin on, which immediately alerted the village that he was trapped. He then realized that he was trapped in the moccasin village, and that he was going to be cooked alive in a Brazen moccasin. Gollum tried to escape, but the golden moccasin he had put on had immobilized his foot and couldn't move; that's when Gollum realized, his greed was going to be his downfall! In a desperate attempt at trying to escape he kicked one of the moccasin villagers in the head with his Golden Moccasin, but that just made them all really angry. The villagers started rampaging over Gollum, and tied him to a comically big moccasin to bring him to the leader of the village, Lord Móckasiin III (no relation with the other Lord Móckasiin).
At this point i decided to interrupt the story to decrease the size of the moccasins, just so we wouldn't end up with planetary objects resembling footwear again. While Lord Móckasiin III was going to sentence Gollum to death by crushing him with a giant moccasin, the moccasin wasn't big enough since all the moccasins were shrunk, so they only caused Gollum minor back pain. Then they brought out a wide array of pocket knives that were weirdly enough not shaped like moccasins to stab him with instead. At this point, Lord Móckasiin III revealed his true form: Darth Móckasiin III, Darth Vader's non-emo friend who wielded a red moccasin lightsaber. But Gollum was saved by Luna, who was still pissed off that her girlfriend was suddenly removed from existence. This moment is considered the start of the triumvirate war: the armies of Luna, Valerie, and Gollum fighting the armies of Darth Móckasiin III, Knife Guy, and Dracula. Never had been so scared. The first battle of the war occurred on the asteroid of 99942 Apophis, where Dracula blasted several Luna clones and almost won the battle, before Valerie threw a silver moccasin at him, causing him to flee, which also destroyed 99942 Apophis and therefore Mr. Winkler.
I don't really know how to explain this, but 99942 Apophis being destroyed instantly made every single person in the universe massively gay somehow. Turns out, 99942 Apophis was holding all the universe's excess gay, so now the gay is able to spread freely. This implosion of gayness made the original Valerie return to existence, who was now even more of a lesbian that she was before. Luna was now happy again, and decided this war wasn't worth it anymore because she got her girlfriend back.
The mysterious voice came from Lord Móckasiin III, who was sad that the war had ended too soon, and started getting high on LSD, which made him believe he was an omniscient being called Møqásÿn. This made him go completely Bat Fuck Insane, and he started to get "visions" about a different universe where there was a giant frenchman rampaging around in the name of the Moccasins.
This caused him to go on a rampage, attacking several outposts owned by Luna in North Chad, which caused Valerie to retaliate by raiding Dracula's allies in Transylvania, thus starting the Second War of the Triumvirates, with Darth Møqásÿn Rein, Dracula, and Knife Guy fighting Luna, Valerie, and Gollum. Of course, none of the civilians living anywhere remotely nearby knows what the fuck is going on.
===The War of the Triumvirates===
While the First War of the Triumvirates was short, underwhelming, and inconclusive (with the only major side effect was that the whole universe was now gay), the Second War of the Triumvirates was much longer. Technically speaking, since the time between the first and second war of Triumvirates was so short, they both count as a single war; meaning that the war wasn't that underwhelming and inconclusive (yet)! Between the two wars, Knife Guy married Dracula, and Darth Møqásÿn Rein transitioned to female, with all of this likely being a result of 99942 Apophis's destruction. The war was still going on, though. The first major battle of the war occurred when Dracula met Valerie, and began to fight with her. Holy fuck! New swear word just dropped! This word is moccasiner, and it refers to someone loves moccasins, and may even do things like wear moccasins everywhere or worship moccasins. The most obsessed of moccasiners have shown to develop romantical relationships with moccasins, and even have dared to fuck moccasins.</big></big>
During the battle, Valerie was getting her ass beat by Dracula, although Luna came in to save her, but then Knife Guy came in to save his husband, Dracula, and so Luna duplicated herself to defeat Knife Guy and Dracula, as Luna's clones don't have blood. "One day, Pagans will pagan the Pagans after paganing Pagans" - said Dracula, while he was having a stroke on the floor due to blood lost. Dracula barely survived the incident, but he was saved at the last moment by Darth Møqásÿn Rein, who was able to deflect Luna's moccasins, and managed to defeat Luna and Valerie with the help of Knife Guy's expertise at stabbing people, and Dracula was taken to a hospital on Mocca-CN 5 for treatment. Little did Møqásÿn know, those Luna and Valerie were merely doubles, and the real Luna and Valerie were planning on their next attack against Møqásÿn.
Meanwhile, a somewhat familiar face had decided to waltz into this world entirely on her own. And this familiar face was… JOHN! Who is now a woman, and as such is now called Anna. Anna was still sentenced to pregnancy for sending dick pics to her kittens, but the penguins thankfully didn't make it into this universe. She wasn't exactly a huge fan of having a child she didn't want, so she decided to get an abortion.
Note from one of the authors: Hold on, I know you guys won't understand, but I think it would be very funny if transgedner John is called "June" (you know, like the month).
Note from the other author: Yeah, but it's a little too late to change that now i think.
You can make her change her name. It's not too late.
Anna heard this entire conversation, and was like "hey, June is actually a pretty cool name", and so she is now called June. This war might cause the penguins to break back into this universe and sentence June to pregnancy, but it's unfortunately too late for the triumvirates to stop fighting. Except it actually is, because all of the triumvirates dissolved because almost everyone thinks celebrating Pride Month is more important than fighting a massive war (which it admittedly is). However, none of that matters since everyone is gay in this universe, therefore there is no more reason for Pride Month to exist. In spite of that it is still needed, because the vast majority of the people on Earth don't know that they're gay yet, so they're still celebrating Pride Month. However, when the triumvirates returned to Earth to celebrate Pride Month, their mere energy caused everyone to realize that they were gay, thus making Pride Month pointless yet again, thus making the truce pointless, so the War of the Triumvirates went on. But the sides had completely changed, and now it was the entire nation of Moccasinia fighting against Brazil.
===The War of the Quadrumvirates===
Since Moccasinia had joined the triumvirate of Knife Guy, Dracula, and Darth Møqásÿn Rein, and Brazil had joined the triumvirate of Gollum, Valerie, and Luna, they were no longer triumvirates, so the writers had to invent a new term for an alliance composed of four groups; this word was quadrumvirate, and the war was now the First War of the Quadrumvirates, good luck spelling those. Having awakened from his strange Moccasin-induced trance, Møqásÿn Rein, king of the North Kingdom of Ugly Shoes, looked down at what used to be his penis and felt enough regret to go back to the doctor to undo the procedure. However, the sheer amount of gay within this universe prevented her from doing so.
Oh, by the way, Knife Girl just woke up from a Retard Stick-induced coma and has no clue about what the fuck is going on right now. Thankfully for her, no one really knows either. So she decided that the best course of action was to stab the one responsible for creating this mess. The person who put Knife Girl in a coma was her near-identical clone, Knife Guy, who had separated from her since he was tired of constantly changing gender. Knife Girl tried to kill Knife Guy, but the moment she stabbed him with her knife, she felt a sharp pain in the very same place she stabbed Knife Guy - that's when she realized, even though they had separated their bodies, Knife Guy and Knife Girl were still connected through their soul! This meant that both of them had no realistic way of fighting each other at all, since if one of them died the other one probably would too. Meanwhile, something was happening; I am not sure, just something is happening, but what? Well, the thing about Knife Girl and Knife Guy confused the universe so much that a tiny black hole was created, which thankfully was only big enough to absorb all the world's moccasins before evaporating, but wait, all the moccasins are gone now!
The black hole then felt really bad for sucking up all the moccasins, so it promptly spewed them all out on top of the White House before disappearing again. We not only stopped another moccasin depletion incident, but we also saved the world from being destroyed by a black hole! Thus began the quest of a lifetime.
However, the United States president (which in this iteration of the ASBOSAAT universe is Will Smith) thought that the moccasins had been thrown by the Moccasinian Empire to attack the United States, and as such, the POTUS decided to enter the War of the Quadrumvirates against Møqásÿn Rein. Unfortunately, the alliances were unbalanced now, as the triumvirate of Møqásÿn Rein, Dracula, and Moccasinia were now fighting against the quintumvirate of Luna, Valerie, Brazil, Gollum, and the United States, so Møqásÿn Rein performed a ritual which brought Kanye West and Snoop Dogg to this universe. He then remembered that Kanye was going to be absolute garbage at fighting anything, so he also summoned the French Prince of Bel Air.
===The War of the Quintumvirates===
As Kanye was thrown to the sidelines, a new group of alliances was formed: the quintumvirate of Møqásÿn Rein, Dracula, Moccasinia, Snoop Dogg, and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was in an all-out war with the quintumvirate of the United States (which was now ruled by Chris Rock due to Will Smith being overthrown in a military coup), Brazil, Luna, Valerie, and Gollum. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air took the quintumvirate via France (becoming the French Prince of Bel-Air) which promptly surrendered, avoiding Switzerland which stayed neutral and allied with Germany, causing world war, uh, which one are we at now? Oh yeah, that's right, it's World War 1 because the universe got reset. Actually, this is the sixth universal hyperwar. This is the 7th installment in the Universal Hyperwar series. However, it's just a movie this time, but it's fucking epic, and there's lasers and explosions and cool ass special effects and a previously thought impossible 101% on Rotten Tomatoes and shit.
God woke up after taking a nap and was completely shocked by all the chaos going on once again. "Fuck this", He said, and left the story to never be seen again. Then He came back, no reason. Anyway, that movie was pretty good, even God enjoyed it. But when he realized that this was based on real events that took place in the lines above he got furious. As such, he wiped out the quintumvirates, and a new cast was brought into this universe: John (now June), Garfield (who was revived), Jon, John Cena, Zhong Xina, and Xi Jinping, although he accidentally put lasagna laced with perc 30s in Jon's freezer. But this ended up summoning Gothfield, because the universe was completely broken by this point and logic had ceased to exist. Møqásÿn Rein was angry that God had decided to wipe him out from the story, and since Møqásÿn Rein thought he himself was a god (he had gotten high on drugs again), he decided to declare war on God himself to decide who the real god was.
=== Møqásÿn's Bizarre Adventure ===
Darth Møqásÿn Rein had not actually been wiped out, but was instead just banished to universe 91288, a universe that is identical to our universe in every way except that the events of the Star Wars franchise actually did happen a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far, away). Oh, and Middle-earth exists somewhere, just saying. There might be more stuff that's different too, but i don't wanna spoil that just yet. In that universe, bits of Alderaan still drift between galaxies, occasionally granting people the power to travel through space and time (somehow.) This has siphoned down to Earth in the form of a cursed stone mask, which Møqásÿn just so happens to pick up. Before he knows it, he is on an Imperial Star Destroyer transporting valuable Rebel prisoners to the Death Star. That's a very awkward situation to find yourself in, but luckily he could use the stone mask to escape with ease.
I call bullshit!
My call was accepted by the Gods of Bullshit, who undid that last event and referenced the Alderaan Mask Manual, which states: "When handled by a Sith Lord of rank Darth or higher, the mask will transport the Sith Lord to a time where they will have access to their full power and the ability to use it to its full potential, and then return to Earth without the Sith Lord," which comes into effect here because Darth Møqásÿn Rein, despite having a deplorably non-canonical name, is technically a Sith Lord. But the manual didn't explain the minor details, such as the fact that mask users would lose complete control of their bodies and essentially become zombified versions of themselves. The sheer amount of technobabble caused the Death Star to explode, killing both the emperor and Darth Vader, and thus Darth Møqásÿn Rein was now the emperor. A zombie-emperor, at the mercy of his own cursed mask. The destruction of the Death Star was a major setback for the empire, so they decided to set up shop on 99942 Apophis, which was considerably more resistant to technobabble. It was then when they remembered that 99942 Apophis had been blown up, which is what had caused that the gayness spreaded all over the entire universe and transformed it into a Jojo's Bizarre Adventure reference. However, this was a different universe, so 99942 Apophis still exists. No, what I'm saying is that 99942 Apophis got blown up in this universe too; if it hadn't, it wouldn't be gay enough to be a Jojo reference. Turns out this universe actually already had high levels of gay, and the explosion of 99942 Apophis merely pushed it over into the JoJo's Bizarre Adventure zone.
Suddenly, DIOthe vampire, not the singer! This isn't actually a JoJo reference, but it is now a law of the omniverse that all universes must have at least 1 vampire.
===The Peaceful Moccasin Planet===
The moccasin planet (not the same as Mocca-CN 5) was currently too far away to notice any of this, but the people there were a coming to hate the very shoes that formed their planet, since they were tired of seeing so many fucking moccasins. Despite their hatred of the Ugly Shoe, this people continued to worship their primitive knowledge of the Great God Mokkááwŝen. This made Mokkááwŝen happy, and in return he turned their sun into a giant moccasin.
Then a movie, Apocalypse Now, released, it was so influential an entire war was fought after it. But then the sequel, Apocalypse After, was released; it was so shitty the moccasinians realized it was stupid to fight over a movie, and ended the shortly after. Meanwhile in the Galactic Empire, the puppet emperor Darth Møqásÿn Rein awakens from his nightmare into a good dream in which he gets laid by a Wookiee, but all of this is irrelevant due to the fact that DMR's body was under control of the Aldermasque. This means that Moqásyn got the nookie of a Wookie; and to add to the pun, this song was playing in the background. Actually it's spelled Wookiee, at least I think, and the inhabitants of the moccasin planet are called Moccasookiees, which is a horrible name but they named themselves. From the dirty dream, DMR feels the dark side of the Force calling him to remove the mask, which he awakens suddenly and notices he can do, regaining control of his body. As he was now in control again, Darth Møqásÿn Rein crashed into Pedoplanet merely because he felt like it. Too bad for him that all life forms on that planet evaporated millions of years ago. Unfortunately, along with the penis monkeys evaporating, this also took all the moccasins, as the Moccasookiees had foolishly prayed for them to all disappear.
=== The No Longer So Peaceful Moccasin Planet ===
====The depletion of the moccasins====
Alas, the peace is over as another moccasin depletion incident occurs, where did they go? Alas, we should probably talk about something else.
Alas, the universe ended up imploding because the moccasins broke time and space quite conveniently at the time when i wrote this sentence.
===The Universe Returns!===
Alas, God was tired of having to reset the universe again and again, so He manually removed the moccasins and the universe became whole once again. Well, almost whole.Since the mocassons were so big, half of each planet was gone. Don’t read the small reference at the last sentence if you’d like to keep up the illusion that everything is fine.
Meanwhile, Møqásÿn had recently hired an assassin that would take out God's army; and his name was none other than Jacques NoirThis universe's version of Jacques Noir, of course; we don't want inter-connected universes that might screw up the continuity of other stories.! God then hired another Jacques Noir to counter this.NOT this universe's version of Jacques Noir, of course; don't worry, no one cares about his own story at all. "No way!", muttered Jacques "Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia" Noir upon finding that he had been dragged into a totally different universe. He then proceeded to say his signature line "to mock me is a sin" and instantly obliterated God and the real fake Jacques. Obliterating God created a tidy logical loop and Jacques Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, himself, became God and took the name "Great Lord Móckasiin of Everything," bringing back the moccasins (this god did not mind resetting the universe again and again, and to mock him was a sin). But he had also accidentally revealed to every single character that it was very much possible to defeat a god, and Luna intended to take full advantage of this.
With the old God dead and most of the other characters kind of forgotten from the story, it was official that The War of the Quintumvirates had ended for good; however, it still wasn't time of peace, as a new war was on the horizon: Luna and Møqásÿn Rein against the Great Lord Móckasiin of Everything! Although calling this a war (along with all the other ones) is debatable since there are no armies involved. Actually, there are armies; Luna and Valerie have their clone armies, don't you remember?
No, The Party told me they weren’t real, and that means that they never existed at all. Slipping on his moccasins, Møqásÿn Rein decided to challenge God in a court of law, so he got in the French Prince of Bel-Air's rocket-powered Cessna 172, modified it to fill the entire giant fuselage with enough rocket fuel and flew to the planet Kolob, closest to the abode of the Great Lord Móckasiin of Everything. However, the Great Lord Móckasiin of Everything though that a court of law was too boring, so He instead decided to declare war on Møqásÿn Rein by blowing his airplane up. In retaliation of this Luna summoned a bunch of nightmarish demons to frighten Móckasiin, just because she could. read this whole sequence and was angry, so he decided to send an army of Cessna 172s and similar Airbus A380s against God, all loaded with Moccabombs originating from God's original universe, just because he could. This made realize she could directly intervene in the story herself, so she decided to remove the Earth out of existence just because she felt like it, leaving all of our characters floating around in space.
===ENOUGH!===
First of all, many characters were not on Earth so they are perfectly fine (IE Móckasiin, and the French Prince and Møqásÿn Rein, who both bailed out of their Cessna and are in an escape pod headed for Tatooine), but the Great Lord Móckasiin took a Vote and decided to Platinum Cock Protect the universe so that users (other than Chronarion) can only indirectly manipulate existing storylines and characters and not directly destroy objects or summon things that are not already in the universe or another Story Built universe. But Móckasiin failed to notice that is a bureaucrat, meaning that no amount of universal protection could stop her from messing with it. With these many forth-wall-breaking sheganigans happening, the Great Lord Móckasiin meditated about whether He really was the God of this universe, or if He was yet another puppet to some higher beings that were truly in control of His wrold; however, He was interrupted by , who was envious that other users got to have their own vanity in the story, but he didn't. And thus ended the era of Vanity. Now that the higher beings weren't going to interfere in the plot anymore, the universe was saved from 's messing around, although it was still in danger of Møqásÿn Rein and the Luna clones, who were still raging war against the New God. God reset the universe (again... stupid moccasins) to just before the Earth was destroyed. Then , in a blatant act of defiance to the plot, reset God to before he existed before hopefully leaving the story alone forever.
Now that had yeeted the Great Lord Móckasiin of Everything out of existence, Møqásÿn Rein had the chance to claim godhood, but there was a chaotic force of destruction blocking his path: the Luna clones, who had just as much desire to become Gods as him! They all then challenged him to a Yu-Gi-Oh match, which he happily accepted. Møqásÿn Rein then realized he had no idea about how to play Yu-Gi-Oh, so he decided to cheat along the way; when Luna realized that Møqásÿn was fooling her, she got incredibly angry and angrily threw the table, which felt over Møqásÿn's moccasins and crushed them, which made him angry too, thus starting yet another war. The rest of the Lunas (including the real one, which is the only one to not challenge Møqasÿn to a Yu-Gi-Oh match), of course, got extremely confused at what just happened. But, being the chaotic forces of destruciton that they were, the Lunas got really happy about the fact that they were going to have yet another war in this story. Except, you know, the original, but mobocracy dictates that her opinion is wrong, so no one really cared. The Lunas claimed the Fifth Amendment to the Universal Treaty of Everything, which stated all wars can be ended if the parties mutually accept a peace treaty, however, since this was and is common knowledge, they just sent a representative (who they didn't know was the real one) to Møqásÿn Rein's forces to discuss sharing Godhood in a Binity with one Luna at a time standing as one half while the other half is comprised of Møqásÿn Rein, and, wow, this is a really long sentence, and getting even longer with every byte I add, wow.
The peace treaty went nowhere, by the way, since Møqasÿn is extremely selfish and doesn't want to share his god status with anyone else. Instead, with each party provisionally holding 1/2 godhood, due to the death of the existing God, and were wholly focused on annhilating the other, they were stuck in a Yin-and-Yang situation, with neither having the ability fnord to annhilate the other. But then decided to take this 1/2 godhood and do some advanced mathematics with it. Everyone else in all the universes wondered why their computers weren't working, especially the Pølice with their MOCCASins in ASBOWAAT and the DXpedition in ASBO"SAT"AT. One of the writers then suffered a stroke, making Alula take matters into her own hands by resetting the universe to just before this entire story started. But to Alula's surprise, had yet made another vanity appearance in the story, and stopped her from doing so. At this point, the universe is in uproar and in danger of collapsing and killing and for grand vanity as well as everyone else in the current universe. Then Møqasÿn Rein accidentally started the universal collapse because a god logically can't be confused, and as such the universe starts imploding the instant something like that happens.
==Yet Again: a reset==
The True God appears and sacrifices his True Godhood to reset the universe with all characters working at the Krusty Krab in Bikini Bottom, with True God Lily ruling as the god of the new universe.
...in the beginning of time, Jimbo Wales made FurAffinity. This project intended to condense all the world's knowledge into one encyclopedia. At least, all the info on furries there is. And the furries were without form and void, and darkness was on the fursuit of the deep; And the Spirit of Dog moved upon the face of the waters.
Because the original God was killed in the previous universe, a new God had emerged from its ashes, and His name was UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69. You can already tell from his name that he's a furry teenager who has just discovered that he likes men. And in this new world He had create, there were no humans, only anthropomorphic animals; there were no girls, only boys; and there was no heterosexuality, only gay boykissers. In other words, Luna is now straight. And because straightness was banned from this world, the furry boykissers threw Luna and Møqasÿn Rein -who was straight too- to The Pit, and forbid them to step on their gay world.
Luna was now kinda pissed off, not only because she was thrown into a pit, but also because UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 had made it so there weren't any women at all, which was a clear sign of misogyny.
After many long weeks, the original creator of ASBOWAAT comes back to life and is confused by how Luna is still alive, and immediately leaves to continue killing demons in his god build.
Then, in a shocking display of… something, Luna suddenly gets out of the hole and intends to play an IRL version of DOOM, except the demons and stuff like that is replaced with gay furries and instead of deadly weapons they are replaced with weapons that make anyone hit by them straight. Actually, the weapons weren't to transform people into heterosexuals, but to make them lesbian girls.
UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 did not like this one bit, mainly because he was a gay male, but also because he is massively misogynistic. Luna's lesbianism was threatening this New God's manly gay paradise, and as a result, the New God created the Boylinizer, which would convert Luna into another gay boykisser like them. But Luna has some extremely heavy plot armor, so this didn't work at all. Meanwhile in the infinite other universes, every single benevolent god or similar deific being noticed what had happened to the ASBOSAAT universe and all of them assumed all the inhabitants hated it there, which was not entirely untrue. Luna had blasted almost a billion people with the lesbianator at this point, and a full-blown war was about to break out between the lesbians and the rapidly declining number of boykissers, with Luna and UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 leading them respectively. The foreign gods (except for the Moccasin Gods, who are currently dying of Smallpox) attacked UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 (it hurts even to type that). This made Luna extremely happy, since now she could start casually converting the entire world into lesbian girls instead of doing it competitively. The meddling gods did not like that either, since both options effectively limited procreation to null (and tbh they are kinda homophobic). But Luna's plot armor is still quite heavy, so she is able to give them all the middle finger and continue with her mission. Now, in a godless universe, chaos runs rampant, but a small group manage to survive by forswearing homosexuality and discovering that Luna actually makes them swing both ways.
In other words, the foreign gods have no reason to be angry at Luna, so the entire world becomes bisexual without anyone bothering to do anything about it.
===Orgy time?===
Absolutely not. -Captain Oblivious
But remember, today is Opposite Day! That was actually by Captain Livious (Olivia Bernstadt).
...what the fuck does livious mean? (That was actual captain oblivious, who was oblivious to the nickname Livious for Olivia Bernstadt.)
Well, now that the gods and the gays and the lesbians are in peace thanks to the power of bisexuality (wow! This looks just like in Ancient Greece!), there is now no reason to fight in a senseless war- or at least, there wasn't, until a new danger emerged to move the plot of this really incoherent story forward; and its name is...
POSSUM! THE GREATEST!
dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn
POSSUM immediately found a way to import the plot from another story and is now actively trying to get rid of OPOSSUM, who has hypnotized the entire state of California Greater Ojai. Meanwhile...
...Luna had managed to summon John and Dave, who were now the two only characters in this story that weren't bisexual. Unfortunately, John went to Bisexual-land and now John was bisexual. Actually, this information is wrong; John and Dave were bisexual from the start, meaning that Luna had summoned them for nothing, and made them come back to where they belong. So Luna then decided to summon your mom, but she also turned out to be extremely bisexual. Unfortunately, this confused me, as I have never seen her addicted to both sexes. Neither had Luna, but that's what the bisexual-meter told her, so she unsummoned your mum and decided to summon your dad instead. Actually, she summoned all of your relatives. Somehow because of the ambient bisexuality aura (don't ask me why), God sent a son daughter Intersex Offspring to fuck literally everyone until their souls were saved in heaven.
Meanwhile, in a cave hidden somewhere in Moccasinia sat Gothfield and watched as the story unfolded without her. Suddenly, the Child of God, who we'll call Kelly, wandered into the cave, prayed, and began to fuck Gothfield. This Gothfield was the same one from the previous universe, who had miraculously survived the reset and now was kept a secret by Kelly, who knows her father (God, A.K.A. UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69) would probably kill Gothfield for thinking is a danger to their universe. But UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 had been stripped of his god status a couple of paragraphs above this one, so he couldn't do anything other than complain about it (and also do some stuff that his username kinda implied that he liked doing. Please overlook the fact that he is a sentient cat fursona. We didn't get to this point of the story by nitpicking on the characters, did we?). In this now godless universe, it turns out that Kelly is an amalgamation of the Moccasin gods' metaphysical essences, not their offspring like we thought.
Hey wait a second, is that Jon Arbuckle?
"Feck you!"
~Jon
===IMPLOSION===
After the pile of bones cursed their fucker, the godless universe (aside from the Moccasin Gods) imploded due to the sheer crackheadity of it all, as the multiverse cringed, saying: "Not again..." and then there was nothing. And from nothing, something. Pedophiles from Egypt and Niggas from Paris restored the universe, causing Kanye West to marry a Jew. Everyone began to question why Jews existed. SHitler decided to kill them all.
Shivaji is watching you. Fortunately, Shivaji is a nonentity in this universe so nothing happened. Now, Niggas are watching you. This lasted short, though, as SHitler has unexpectedly crashed into their domain, and now they have to fight him so they can end his white supremacy. SHitler is actually Arab and he thinks Arabs are white. This is because the Hitler from this universe, or "SHitler", was born colorblind.
Niggas exclaimed, "SHitler, you really stole our idea, right?!" To what SHilter said, "Yes, indeed, I stole your idea of creating the Afroipod; now will sell it worldwide and become a filthy rich millionaire... and you won't even see a single penny out of it - MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Thus the Afroipod outsold every other device in existence because its convenient for the plot. I don't know, man; I don't think "plot" is the best word to describe whatever we're doing here... perhaps the word "LSD-induced fever dream" is much more suitable.
Anyways, everyone went on a massive LSD-induced drunk smoking-pipes-cigars-cigaratte trips while eating rat poison. SHitler had invited all his Arab white friends to have a big party -the Nazi Party-; little did he know, his rat poison had been infected with spider poison by an enemy spy, and SHitler, who was secretly a spider, started having a heart attack and shaking on the floor.
Wait, why the hell do we have two characters named "Nigga" and "SHitler" in this story now? I don't know, I'm just going on with the flow and- wait did you just say the Ñ word? Yes, because someone named the character that, and now i'm essentially forced to write that every time i talk about them. I don't think that's their name, though; I'm pretty sure they literally just mean black people- so yeah, you really just said the N-word right there. Oh shit, my bad, i read the entire section in about a minute and assumed it was one character named like that. Nah, it's okay, everyone makes mistakes sometimes; from now on, we might prefer to refer to them as "black people" (or people of color). And will try to find some other characters to talk about, because after reading this section properly they seem to be portrayed in a kinda racist way.
Well let's get back to the story: the people at this godless dimension thanked the people from Egypt and Niger (WITH ONE N) from saving their universe of being reseted once again (seriously, what's with all these resets?); however, they were afraid that the universe could still implode again, so they decided to hold democratic elections to choose a God for this universe that would keep it from breaking again. God one, which God? WHO KNOWS! Then someone suggested that Luna should become the new god, and everyone reluctantly agreed to it since there really wasn't any other fitting candidate to godhood. Luna gladly took her position as the New New God; however, Møqasÿn Rein suddenly had a flashback of his old life in the previous universe, where he was fighting for godhood against Luna; upon remembering this, Møqasÿn Rein's want to be come the God of his own universe came back, and tried to partake in a coup d'état against Luna's godhood.
Luna then snorted LSD with the real Hitler, Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler Uunona, that is, councillor of a small town in Namibia and a fierce enemy of Apartheid. The LSD was bought from Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe, the current Nigerian king. But it wasn't infused with moccasins, so Luna became extremely ill from the LSD. Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe then gave Luna some fresh Nigerian morphine to cure her of her illness. Despite their best efforts, Luna died and went to hell. But Luna can't die as she's the current God of this universe, which means that the Luna who was having LSD with Adolf Hitler is an IMPOSTOR! That's enough to a splode!
Well, it turns out that the Luna that died of LSD overdose is one of the Luna clones, meaning that there are possibly hundreds, if not thousands of Luna impostors running around right now. This had made Møqasÿn Rein's attempt at dethroning Luna as the New New God much harderr than he originally envisioned, as whenever he thought he had finally won over Luna, he then realized it was yet another clone.
===Meanwhile in South Ossetia,===
a portable penis pussy plant preened proudly. This has got nothing to do with the story, I just wanted to bring attention to this beautiful work of art made by nature.
===Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe's drug problem===
Now, Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe had a drug problem, and he passed it onto both Luna and Hitler. Nobody knows which Luna clone he passed onto or why he passed it onto Hitler not Shitler2. The Luna in question is very likely not the original Luna, as she' s to busy with her chores as this universe's New New God. Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe's meth induced craze then began, and he started jerking off to Hitler. Meanwhile, the absolute worst nightmare for anyone named Hitler arrived out of nowhere: a bunch of art critics! Little did he know, the art critics were Møqasÿn Rein and his minions in disguise who wanted to struck the party and kill Luna; but they were considerably disgusted when they opened the door and saw the scene that Lululu was doing because of his LSD-induced perversion.
Unfortunately Lululu was caught using a wide array of sockpuppet accounts on Uncyclopedia and was banned and sent to a different type of LSD, effectively occupying him with having to create more accounts.
Thus began the Uncyclopedia Alt-Account Wars. Wait, those wars already happened in the late 2000s... Further proof that time is an infinite loop that just keeps on looping and looping and looping and looping and-
In the beginning of time, Chronarion made Uncyclopedia. He then lept into your mother's vagina. It was so bad that he decided to sell Uncyclopedia to Wikia FANDOM. This caused all Uncyclopedia users to immediately die. Then they were all resurrected, and they immediately decided to kill . This would cause an ever-lasting conflict between admins and users, who would fight for millenia in a bloodly, godless war for the control of THE UNCYCLOPEDIA.
Uncyclopedia subsequently became an autonomous entity moccasin, living and thin... wait, what?!
NEVEEEEEEEEER....*voice cracks*.....eeeeer...
Oh no, the loop has been broken; now time and space will collapse!!!!! Quick, Vouch For Dave!
Kelly, dughter of the Old New God, then opened her eyes and woke up in a cold sweat - the universe imploding, the pedophiles from Egypt, Luna as the New New God, Adolf SHitler and Adolf Hitler Uunona, the time-space continuum reseting and then breaking apart; it was all so real, and yet, had it been all nothing but a dream? Actually, it had been established at some point in A story built one paragraph at a time that these stories are, in fact, dreams. Are you sure about that -it does stay at the beggining that the author can't sleep well, but there's nothing else that states they are dreams; also, the whole "...and it was all a dream" ending is a very lame cliché (I just did it here to make the whole n-word thing non-canon).
Wait, there's gonna be an ending at some point?
Keep dreaming in innocent peace; anyways the God of the old Sentences re-awakened to find all the chaos happening. Which God are you talking about, man; there's been like thousands of Gods in this story, including Lovecraftian eldritch Gods, some gay furry, literal moccasins, and Luna. God. (It’s UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 i’m talking about, by the way.)
About your previous question - it might have an ending at some point, but that will be when people completely forget about this article's existence, and it will probably be the lamest and most open ending in the history of mankind. But that ending will probably happen when this place gets shut down, so it’s probably not anytime soon. Suddenly, an opera was shat out by Beethoven and Wagner in their mean times; every composer who ever lived contributed to it. It was a beautiful performance until Wagner started to sing about how much he hated jews."Screw the Jews,
"rob their money,
"make them humiliated for their greed"
-Richard Wagner, possibly being antisemitic.
Friedrich Nietzsche then barged in and murdered Wagner... with words."Wagner, please for the love of ubermensch, shut the fuck up about Jews."
-Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Why the fuck did you say the word fuck to me after I said fuck to you"
-Nietzsche being as confused as ever
Suddenly, Wagner died of heart failure, probably because he's 211 years old at this point. His death was followed by Nietzsche's, who was killed by God's ghost as a revenge for Nietzsche killing Him first. God's ghost was then killed by UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 as revenge, because as it turns out she is transgender, and blames God for her not being born the way she wanted to be. UwU_IlikeKissingBoys_69 then remembered she was a God herself, so she used her god powers to miraculously change her own gender; now she's a lesbian that goes by the name of UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69. Now there are two gods, Luna and UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69, and coincidentally, they are both lesbians. The only logical conclusion is that they will now have hot lesbian sex on the god couch (you'd think Luna's girlfriend, Valerie, would feel cheated; but she's actually into open relationships, so she doesn't mind as long as she gets to see the action). But this isn't a logical story, so there wouldn't be a logical conclusion to this, which means that Valerie gets to have Luna all for herself.
Why do we exist?
===Hitler's Legacy===
We exist because of Adolf Hitler, of course. Anyway, Hitler was contemplating whether existence is reality or reality is existence.
Hitler then promptly murdered himself, since he was about to lose an unwinnable war and was also a massive coward. However, this have got nothing to do with the original "plot" (is there even a plot anymore?); so let's stop talking about Adolf Hitler and pedophiles in Egypt, and let's talk about what really matters.
===Møqasÿn Rein tries to dethrone Luna (for real)===
Ahhh, finally something actually plot relevant again. Let's hope this time around people don't try to swap the plot with Adolf Hitler, hate agaisnt Jews or the N-Word again...
Anyway, Møqasÿn had decided to enlist UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 to help with dethroning Luna from godhood, but the problem with this was that UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 is still a god, and saw Møqasÿn as a threat to the world. Suddenly, a massive hypermatrix super trapped digital void came into existence but then it died. In other words, nothing changed.
Something that might be strange to the average reader is that it was previously established that a whole chunk of the previous story, in which was included Luna becoming the new god and Møqasÿn Rein wanting to dethrone her, was only a dream; to what it must be said: only the part about Adolf Hitler and other things that were even too nonsensical for this drug trip of a "plot" were a dream -but the whole part of Luna becoming a god was true, and that will be the basis of the following narrative.
Luna held hands with Ganesha, the elephant god, and sat on a rock. Except this is an alternate universe where the religions of our universe never existed, meaning this Ganesha is a different entity altogether -most likely Luna's pet cat, which she bought after being throne as the God of this universe. UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 got quite jealous that Luna had her own pet cat, and decided to adopt a cat with some weird moon symbol on her head, only to find out that this cat is also named Luna, so now there's two different Lunas (the Luna clones don't count). Little did UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 know, the Luna cat was actually a minion of Møqasÿn Rein, who wanted to infiltrate Luna's domains through UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 (who now was her friend) and know all of Luna's dirty secrets, which he would use against her. But as it turns out UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 and Luna aren't girlfriends for some illogical reason, so Luna (the cat) is very much wasting her time instead of doing her job properly.
A Chinese man named Wu Shu then persuaded Luna to eat Luna the cat, so Luna killed Luna the cat, skinned Luna the cat, fried Luna the cat, and ate Luna the cat. But Luna the cat was a guy in a costume, and the moment Luna attempted to eat it, the guy got out of the disguise and ran the fuck out to Møqasÿn Rein's headquarters. Wu Shu was the very disappointed, so he decided to go on a meth induced rampage. He then overdosed on his meth and got reincarnated in a different universe that we luckily aren't writing a story about right now.
The Pontiac Aztec full of meth then appeared next to Luna, caused her to freak out and lick Idi Amin's scrotum. There is nobody named Idi Amin in the story, so this all happened in Luna's head while she was high on LSD (even Gods need to take drugs sometimes); meanwhile, Møqasÿn Rein had taken a new strategy to take down Luna...
Møqasÿn Rein poisoned Luna's breakfast with mercury and lead, and when she ate it, she became retarded. Unfortunately, Retard Luna was even more dangerous than regular Luna.
====The adventures of retard Luna====
Retard Luna became friends with a Somali meth head named Nadia, who persuaded her to use her godly powers to bring Wu Shu back to life. Little did Luna know, there are no such people as Wu Shu or Nadia, they were all a result of the fumes of the poisoned mercury and lead, who made her believe in the existence of imaginary people; meanwhile, Møqasÿn Rein was flipping the fuck out as a high-as-fuck Luna was slowly destroying the World with her God powers, and it was all his fault!
Luna then found out how to gain immortality from the mercury she consumed (unlike a certain someone), and had now figured out how to get rid of this "retarded-ness", becoming regular Luna again and subsequently swearing revenge on who wrote her to become that way. Møqasÿn Rein realized his plan had failed, and now, it was going to become his end: he had to hide soon, for if Luna eventualy found out it was his fault She had become mentally disabled, he was going to get SMOTE!!!!!! Møqasÿn Rein then traveled to Saturn and had rough BDSM sex with a mysterious Kenyan witch over there, so that he could relieve himself of karma from Luna. No, that did not happen; that did definitely not happen; no, no; no signore; nope; fuck no... he just hid in a bunker and stayed there trying to come up for a backup plan that could get him out of the situation he just had gotten into. The bunker was situated near the house of the Kenyan witch on Saturn; he needed to stay far away from Uranus. As explained before, this did not happen; it was all in Møqasÿn Rein's head, who had hidden himself in the world of imagination to escape the harsh reality: he was going to be served as Luna's this night dinner (after She kills him, of course). So the World Economic Forum asked to reset this story; it was a personal message from the reptile Klaus Schwab. This also happened in Møqasÿn Rein's head, while he was mentally counting down until Luna came and smote the fuck out of him.
Luna then beat the shit out of Møqasÿn Rein with a hammer and an urumi. This led Møqasÿn to die of brain damage, since he surprisingly enough doesn't have any plot armor to protect him. Luna then felt a deep whole inside her, as is She had lost someone dear to Her; so She decided to make Rein come back to life, only for Luna to once again beat the shit out of him with a comically large hammer.
He died again and Luna then attended the funeral of Møqasÿn Rein with Wu Shu. But Wu Shu's body wasn't there, since he had been mysteriously teleported to an entirely different universe and was busy making a fuckton of blue meth there. There was so much blue meth that it started to sprinkle into the real world, causing harm to Missouri and Afghanistan. But even more importantly, it somehow made its way to Jon Arbuckle's broken body, resurrecting him and giving him super strength. Jon Arbuckle then went to the caverns where (Gothgirl) Gorefield was hidden, and set her free, and both started causing havoc and destruction. They also had a quite extreme amount of sex, because why wouldn't they?
===The misadventures of Methhead Jon and Gothgirl Gorefield===
Now that Her universe was threatened once again by a Lovecraftian Female Goth Garfield monster, Luna had to save the world, as such was Her duty as the New New God of this universe. But Luna doesn't really want to, because She's kind of a monsterfucker, and gets turned on each time she sees Gothfield. But then Luna remembers She has already a wonderful girlfriend, Valerie, and gains enough will to beat that goth cat's assas in, killing it, not the other thing! But simply killing Gothfield like that would be extremely boring, so let's temporarily take away Luna's god powers for this one confrontation. Sadly, Luna's Godhood let Her have forth-wall-breaking powers, and thus, She refuses to get her God powers taken, smiting for even thinking of such thing. Luna traveled to Uranus on a donkey named Ahmed, leaving divine sparkling dust along the way. Why She did this is a mystery to me. At the top of Uranus, Luna found a strange weapon that looked funny; She accidentally shoot it right when Her donkey was in front of Her, and the donkey disintagrated on thin air: it was none other than the Un-existinator!!!!!
Hold on, that must mean that ʔK'âʞДe is alive, right? Not really, as this is a different universe where they might not have even existed in the first place (and not as a result of the Un-existinator). Well uhm, that’s kinda awkward, I guess.
Well, let's get the plot rolling: Luna, despite Her God powers, was still a tad weak against Gothfield, who was an eldritch god; however, now that Luna had the Un-existinator, She actually had a chance to win against the Female Orange Lovecraftian Goth Cat! But Luna was also forced to fight against Jon, who had now made a promise to himself to never leave Gothfield ever again.
Luna still didn't leave Uranus yet; she decided to dive head first into the gaseous planet, reaching the center of Uranus. There, She found a portal to the moccasin dimension, and She instantly decided to go there because it has moccasins.
Luna was fascinated with moccasins because Her mother used to spank Her with moccasins when She was a child. At least, that's what Sigmund Freud would say; in reality, it's easy to understand why anyone would be so thrilled to enter into a moccasin</big></big> dimension, as there's nothing as beautiful in this world as moccasins</big></big> (the part of Her mother spanking Her might be true, though; although nobody knows for sure, as Luna's past is a total mystery, and ancient legends says that She gave birth to Herself, which would put the whole "mother" thing into question). Luna then met with Luna Lovegood to eat Filipino food in Birmingham. By which i mean the cat named Luna did that, our God and main character is still in the moccasin dimension. But Luna the cat had been revealed to be a guy in disguise, meaning that the aforementioned Luna was actually a Luna clone who wasn't aware her original self had fucked off into the moccasin dimension; neither did she know there was an eldritch god causing havoc to her world, until it was too late for her: a giant paw with black toenails crushed into Birmingham, killing the Luna clone and Luna Lovegood in the process. Luna then realized that she was non-binary. It was a tad late for her, though, as she was already dead. Luna Lovegood then came back to life, appearing in Uranus with blue hair instead of blonde.
But a new problem had arisen: Gothfield and Jon had found their way to the moccasin dimension, and instantly threw the place into disarray because Gothfield is still an eldritch monster. Gothfield then snorted crack, giving her superpowers. This threw the moccasin dimension into even further disarray, and all the moccasins started flying everywhere. As much as Luna wanted to flee from Her ptoblems, at the end, Her problems came to Her; and now, She had to do what She had been hiding from all this time: face Her problems - or, in this case, have an epic battle of mega proportions against a goth feline eldritch monster.
=== The goddess Luna vs. eldritch monster Gothfield and her boyfriend Jon Arbuckle (absolutely no monsterfucking involved, i swear) ===
I LIED! There will be LOTS of monsterfucking involved; there will be LOTS of hot scenes between Jon and Gore Gothfield; and there will be LOTS of moments where you'll question yourself whether you're disgusted or aroused...... MWAHAHAHA!!!!
Eww.
Anyway, uhm, while Gothfield and Jon decided to have an extremely disgusting hot monsterfucking session, Luna tried to get the moccasins to stop flying everywhere. That was the moment Luna realized, she could be using the giant moccasins to literally kick Gore-Gothfield's ass! But before She could get one of them she was confronted by Gothfield and Jon, who were now done with their monsterfucking session and ready to beat the shit out of this Goddess. Luna thought that this fight was going to be super-easy, as not only did She have literal God powers, but also the Un-existinator; however, She then realized She had left the Un-existinator at the other side of the portal, and the entrance of the portal was blocked by Gorefield's gigantic body, meaning that She had to use Her own abilities if She wanted to win this fight.
Then Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie; Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock and Hulk Hogan came out of nowhere lightning fast and wanted to kick Gothfield's eldritch ass. But they couldn't, because Gothfield launched a lasagna beam out of her mouth, and killed them all in an instant. But she failed to see Luna throwing a giant moccasin at her while doing that, and was subsenquently knocked unconscious. Enraged that now her goth monster girlfriend couldn't keep having steamy sex with him (because she was unconscious), Jon Arbuckle used the powers that the meth had given to him against Luna, and made Her high as fuck with his methinazing beam. This effectively diffused the entire battle, since this made both Jon and Luna overdose on meth and faint instantly.
Luna then awoke inside the meth universe, a place where all those that start trippin' balls end up; a place full of both wonders and horrors beyond human comprehension, as well as esoteric imagery mostly found on prog rock album covers. But She had been so long in the moccasin universe that all She could see was blue moccasins. She could also see Jon, who was also as high in meth as Her, meaning that they could keep fighting in this newfound blue moccasin universe; however, as they were both high as fuck, they now couldn't move nor take decisions properly, making this match much more slow and silly. The battle went so slowly that Gothfield woke up in the middle of the battle, and, confused as all hell, decided to throw a giant moccasin at Luna, knocking Her unconscious.
With all the chaos spiraling the universe out of control, Luna had to something. But She couldn't, because She was knocked unconscious by a moccasin just now. That means she is not omnipotent. No, it just means that She is in the meth universe, and there are no gods in the meth universe, apparently. There is a god there, which reigns supreme over else: meth.
Meth is big. And gay. Possibly a car. Or a cat. Maybe a idiot. Or possibly even a moccasin. How do we know this is a Moccasin and not something similar? Because it radiates with the power of the massive text, of course.
Despite the fact that (or possibly because) Luna killed Møqasÿn Rein, he was still suddenly alive in every universe and dimension but the Main Plot Universe/Dimension, so when Luna visited the LSD dimension she met this new, improved Møqasÿn Rein, who could percieve and understand every universe/dimension (what's the difference in this context?) any version of himself was in, causing him to have the ability to percieve and thus dodge opponents' actions in the near future by some fluke of physics (especially in India). Unfortunately, it turned out that this entire story is a hallucination, including this very sentence.
Luna then smoked some more meth, making her feel relaxed. The hallucinations stopped abruptly due to her unfortunate godhood reaction to side effects of drugs. This ment that She was now back in the (prepare for it, because it's comming ) moccasin dimension, where She could keep kicking Jon and Gorefield's ass; Jon was still stoned by his own meth beam, but Gorefield had awaken from her unconsciousness, meaning Luna now had to make her first move or else She'd be stomped by eldrtich cat paws. Meanwhile, something. That something was none other than Møqasÿn Rein, whose self in the (warning: it's getting bigger and bigger) moccasin dimension had just found Luna, and remembering what She did to him, entered in a stage of infinite anger and thirst for revenge, and immediately went to attack the God that murdered him.
Sigh... I cast moccasin minimization spell! Luna couldn't fight properly with all the gianys shoes flying around, and so She tried to turn them smaller; but these shoes had their own mind, and just to spite Her, they became much bigger instead; and now Luna had to put up with incredibly huge and gigantic (here it comes...)
moccasins.
This moccasin had now (somehow) acquired godhood by stealing it from Luna, and used their newfound powers to shrink all moccasins down to reasonable sizes again. However, as the dimension was only made of moccasins, there was now no floor to step on, meaning that everyone were now endlessly falling in a bottomless pit. Thankfully, the Un-Existinator had been knocked right into Luna’s hands by a rogue moccasin, so She quickly used it to warp everyone in this dimension that isn’t a moccasin back to Earth. Hold on, that doesn't make sense- did She just make the entire moccasin dimension dissapear? No, She just teleported all the non-moccasins in the moccasin dimension back to Earth. But... the Un-Existinator doesn't do that kind of thing... Well, now it does.
Leaving this plothole apart; Jon had just woken up from his meth-ridden slumber, and his esoteric trip through the meth dimension had somehow left him incredibly horny, so the first thing he does is continue monsterfucking Gothfield, destroying Uranus in the process.
=== 5 detailed paragraphs of Jon and Gothfield making out or something like that: Part 2 (this time with extra monsterfucking) ===
OH MY GOD THIS IS INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING GOTHFIELD HAS A THOUSAND TONGUES AND NONE OF THEM ARE DOING ANYTHING HOLY RIGHT NOW WHERE IS JON STICKING THAT THING OH MY GOD IS THAT GOTHFIELD'S MOUTH OR IS THAT HER CROTCH I CAN'T TELL I'M BLINDED BY THE HORRORS BEYOND COMPREHENSION THAT THIS SEX SCENE UNVEILS NO MORTAL MAN SHOULD EVER SEE THIS LOVECRAFTIAN SEX WAS A MISTAKE kinda hot ngl. or maybe cold? Perhaps even something in between. Like uranium! Or neon, even (cool effect, btw). Maybe even gradually changing colors too! Wow,it's like CandyLand up in here... Why is there uranium; we are getting radiation sick! Because why not!!!
Well, let's get back with the "plot" before the radiation kill us all -we had left the story right when Jon and Gore Gothfield were destroying entire planets by having hot, raw monsterfucking in space. Luna was supposed to fight them both, but She is so perplexed by this display of monstersex that She decided to leave them alone and do something different for the time being. And did she have something better to do: by bringing all non-moccasina small-sized moccasin? what? that's crazy entities with Her, She had bring the Møqasÿn Rein from the other dimension, making him come back to life, and now he was only searching for one thing: vengeance! But Møqasÿn was also broke, so he had to beg for money on the streets of Moccasinia before he could enact his vengeance.
And so, Møqasÿn Rein set in a (very boring) adventure to find cash, and while wondering helplessly in the street, he met a very strange creature that roamed in the dark alleys... it was none other than the Aracuan bird! Meanwhile, Møqasÿn was getting tired of the postmodernist humor present by <insert name here>. It's not postmodernist, it's selfreferential, know the difference- well let's get where we were; the Aracuan bird was angry with God (AKA Luna) because She had forbidden him to strike a communist revolution in Her universe, and Møqasÿn Rein found this as an opportunity to form a coallition that could get Luna out of Her position as New New God. (its still postmodern humor) In her place, She saw all, but because convenience, She could not see the obvious treason. But before Møqasÿn could assemble his coalition, he was arrested by the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, who thought that he was planning to take over Moccasinia with his coalition, and thus put him of trial for treason, insubordination, un-moccasiniation and all that stuff. Møqasÿn called this move "bullshit" as he was the original king of Moccasinia back in his universe, meaning that he didn't need to form any coallition to take over Moccasinia as he was already the right successor to the Moccasinian throne. But he failed to realize that the Great Lord Móckasiin was both a tyrant and an illegitimate ruler, meaning that claiming the throne placed him in even more trouble than before. Møqasÿn was soon surronded by thousands of Moccasinsian guards, who had been given the order to kill both this supposed successor to the throne and his avian friend; but then, the guards realized that the bird that had as of now been following Rein had mysteriously disappeared. This is the point when he thought he was going to die, but when all of the guards stabbed him he found out that their moccasin-shaped spears were made out of rubber, and he was told by one of the guards to just pretend he was getting stabbed to death, which he did. The guards then threw Møqasÿn's body into River Moccasins, and pretended he wan't going to get out of there any time soon, even though he could very well swim to the shore and keep on with his plans- which he did. Meanwhile Móckasiin celebrated, believing that Møqasÿn was dead now. Little did he know, the Aracuan bird was behind him, about to stab him with a comically large knife, to establish communism in Moccasinia. A loud stabbing noise was then heard all across the moccasin castle that Móckasiin lived in, and then the Aracuan bird said "SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN!" and started placing Soviet symbolism everywhere.
Luna had been watching very closely Jon and Gothfield's monsterfucking because She was turned on by it even though She didn't want to admit it to make sure they were occupied doing their thing and not keep causing ruckus; until Her God senses told Her that a new menace had arisen: the Aracuan bird was at it again! And he had succeeded at turning the kingdom of Moccasinia into a communist one-party dictatorship, prompting the United States to launch an invasion after a border skirmish that they totally didn't stage... Or they would've, had it been that in this universe the US didn't exist, and Moccasinia was an European country, not North American; meaning that they were invaded by a totally different country, Mediocre Britain, which occupied the place that is France in our universe. Wait, what kind of universe is this?!
Meanwhile, some YouTuber who appeals to Generation Alpha stated this, "Grimace is making those sigmas rizzing for his gyatt" ; this temporary paused the nonsense that was occuring, but everyone forgot about it in a second and returned to what they were doing.
The Mediocre British troops had soon their ass kicked by the Soviet Moccasinian military, who were rapidly expanding their communist dictatorship all over Europe. But then, at the height of Soviet Moccasinia's power, the Aracauan bird was stabbed a couple of thousand times and died, leading to a government crisis, leading to the entirety of Europe disintegrating. That's what bourgeois propaganda want you to believe; in reality, they tried to stab him, but due to its cartoonish nature, the Aracuan would simply not fall dead; only Luna knew the secret of how to deafeat him. In actual reality this was true, but the Aracuan bird was unfortunately facing a knife battle against none other than Knife Girl, and her knife powers (as well as her knives) are powerful enough to overcome any sort of cartoon logic. But Knife Girl was soon distracted by the sight of Gothfield and Jon's monsterfucking, which could be seen in the starless night sky, and the Aracuan made her fall out f a cliff that was conveniently placed next to where they were fighting (Knife Girl didn't die, but had to be taken to the hospital by Mediocre Brits, meaning that she won't appear for a while).
The Aracuan then encountered his greatest enemy from the Americas: , General Secretary of the Marsupialist People's Party and leader of the People's Republic of Greater Ojai. Their rivalry was far from political (both countries were communist regimes, after all); instead, OPOSSUM despised the Aracuan bird because the Aracuan had an affair with OPOSSUM's girlfriend, who is now living the rest of her life in the Ojaian gulag. They both simultaneously declared war on each other because of this small issue (they are both dictators after all, it only makes sense to them that they have to go to war over something as silly as this), causing World War OPOSSUM Moccasin. Countless soldiers died in this War -both Moccasinians and Ojaians-, and lots of them wondered why their God wasn't doing anything to stop this atrocity: indeed, their God (Luna) had once again got distracted by the monsterfucking that was going on in space, but then Her God senses kicked in once again, and She knew it was time to stop Her voyeuring session and do something to stop this madness -that thing, of course, bieng kicking the Aracuan's ass. But when She came down to Earth and saw the sheer abundance of moccasins being fired everywhere, She got PTSD, fainted and sent to the same hospital that Knife Girl was in. Now that his own God had been knocked down with the power of Vietnam War flashbacks, Møqasÿn Rein had the oportunity to steal Luna's throne while anyone wasn't looking; however, to his surprise, the Aracuan bird was trying to do the very same thing, with the intention of becoming the Communist God of this universe. But they were both hit by a storm of knives launched by Knife Girl, who saw the ill intent in both of them and escaped the hospital just to stop them both from enacting their plans. But Møqasÿn Rein was this time prepared for a fight: he had up his sleeves several deadly 「MOCASSIN NINJASTARS」basically mocassins with glued sharp razor edges on them, which unlike the weapons of the Mocassinian army, had the actual capacity to hurt -and even kill- people. Little did he know that Knife Girl’s knives can also kill people, and kill them quicker than his flimsy ninjastars. But it would be boring if Møqasÿn Rein died so quickly, so instead, they had an epic fight with an incredible amount of special effects that would make Michael Bay cry of hapinees. These special effects were so good that Møqasÿn and Knife Girl actually had no clue who or what they were fighting, only that they needed to fight something. They were fighting each other, of course, but they were so mesmerized by the special effects, they forgot what they were doing and started throwing kicks in the air trying to punch something that didn't exist -little did they know, this was all orchrestated by the Aracuan bird, who left them distracted so he could infiltrate the hospital and kill Luna himself! But unfortunately for the Aracuan bird he was too late, as Luna had already woken up and wasn’t too happy with the world blowing up over a relationship dispute. The Aracuan was scared shitless at the sight of a really angry Luna, and he started clumsily getting away of the scene, accidentaly tripping over a crystal bottle that contained an increadibly dangerous virus that was being researched by medical professionals; when the Aracuan touched this virus, he suddenly mutated just like in superhero movies, and somehow gained the ability to turn everyone into mindless zombies! Sounds too familiar... Yeah, you're right, it does sound too familiar...
Then everything died and no one ever revived them and even the void died. Nah, JK, they're fineyet; although the hospital has suddenly been hit by an Aracuan zombie epidemic, where many doctors have transformed into Aracuan themselves and are now trying to turn the private hospital into state-owned welfare, all while saying "SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN!!!! TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG! TSE TUNG!!!!!!" out loud.
thumb|right|Nothing to see here, just a normal pair of moccasins.
The Aracuan epidemic rapidly spread outside of the hospital, and soon, all the people in Northern Mediocre Britain had became cartoonish avian communists. Southern Mediocre Britain, however, was more resistant to the communist virus, due to a fervent passion for traditional values and a cult-like following for capitalism; thus, a Civil War broke out between the two sides, which now were known as North Britain and South Britain; and so, Luna now had to find a way to stop the Aracuan bird to cause even more military conflicts. Luckily, She knew that the Aracuan bird was 16, which meant that his parents were still legally able to exert authority over him, so She got his parents to ground him. However, the moment they saw there were now 690000 carbon copies of their son, they said "fuck it", got the first plane to Hawaii, and pretended they never had a son in the first place.
=== The invasion of the 690001 Aracuans that yell SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN every morning ===
Because half of Mediocre Britain had joined the Aracuan's communist empire, forming the Great and Honourable People's Soviet Republic of Moccasinia and North Britain (or Soviet Moccasinia for short); the opposing armies had now become considerably weaker, granting the original Aracuan the opportunity to easily take over the world. But he had forgotten about one small detail: he was still fighting against OPOSSUM and Greater Ojai, who had now taken over the rest of the Americas, as well as a sizeable chuck of East Asia. He had also forgot about Knife Girl and Møqasÿn Reun, who had realized they had no reason to fight against as they had one common enemy, joining forces with the Ojaian militia to take down that dreaded bird.
And the Aracuan were long. He had been stretched into an extremely long (also known as tall) bird by Luna, who felt the need to mess with this Aracuan a little. Sadly, She then realized it wasn't the original Aracuan, but a mere zombie clone; to put up with this newfound knowledge, She stretched other Aracuan zombies and pretended one of them were the original Aracuan (although they weren't; the original was hiding in a bunker, along with OPPOSUM's girlfriend, who was secretly freed by one of the Moccasinian spies). She continued on with this until all of the Aracuan clones had been stretched so much that they couldn't fly or scream "SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN" anymore. Suddenly, he grit his teeth and tightened his fists and screamed: "FUUUUU!!" This is the point in the story where the reader (as well as the writers) find out the Aracuan has fists. Yet another proof that the Aracuan is a freak of nature and it has to be smitten by God (see: Luna).
Meanwhile, OPOSSUM's girlfriend broke up with him and began dating his Moccasins instead. The Moccasins was a surprisingly good partner, which is surprising, considering the fact that it quite literally is a pair of moccasins. The original Aracuan thought that OPOSSUM's girlfriend had left OPOSSUM for him, but after finding out she prefered a pair of literal </big></big>moccasins over the Aracuan, this communist bird sent OPOSSUM the moccasin's</big></big></big></big>' girfriend to the Moccasinian guglag. This prompted a bunch of moccasins to shred the Aracuan to pieces for being moccasin-phobic. The Aracuan was cartoonish enough to survive the attack and still be alive despite having each part of his body separated from each other; however, many moccasinians questioned the authority of their new ruler after he dared to do such disrespect to the moccasin, putting the Aracuan's soviet regime at risk.
The moccasins then deposed the Aracuan and took power in Moccasinia themselves, where they decided in a 175 to 3 ruling that they should end the war against Greater Ojai. Each of the moccasins had an equal vote (yeah right, Moc-52411341 ruled over them with an iron lace). However, this didn't mean that the war had ended; as North Britain was still full of Aracuan zombie clones that couldn't give less fucks about mocassins, and thus, they kept battling against the Ojaian militia (as well as South Britain, which was a third party in the war, as they refused to join Ojai due to South Britain being too capitalist to join forces with a communist regime -even if they had a mutual enemy). It was complete chaos, although luckily confined to Earth for the most part. Suddenly, everyone outside Earth started waging war with eachother. This war luckily didn't include any moccasins, so i don't have to paste endless amount of color spans when i write about it.
The war outside Earth have been caused by the destruction of Mars, which the Martians didn't take likely; of course, this was all Jon Arbuckle's fault, who was to focused on monsterfucking Gothfield to give a care about his surrondings, and accidentally sticked his dick inside Mars. Jon had now become Lust, the Fucker of Worlds. And now, his lust was going to be the end of him, as there were millions of Martians around him attacking with all their weaponry -wait, hold on; forget it, the Martians' weapons aren't doing shit to Jon; his commitment to monsterfucking Gothfield is too strong to let some puny Martians get in the way. They were still annoying though, so Jon decided squash them all with a flysquatter. But Jon didn't have a flysquatter, so he got the closest thing that could be used to squash the Martians, and for some reason, he thought using Jupiter for it was a good idea; but the lizard people living inside Jupiter didn't think the same, and so, they joined the Martians in their War on Jon Arbuckle.
This was all very entertaining to watch, so Ridley Scott decided to film the entire fight and create The Martian 2 out of the footage, only for him to get shred to pieces by Jon for filming him without his consent. Even if Ridley Scott had not been shreded to pieces, he still wouldn't have been able to pull this trick, as in the film footage there were several shots of Jon monsterfucking Gothfield (yes, he's still doing it even when trying to kill the aliens that are shooting at him), meaning that his film would've ended being adults-only, preventing it from becoming a commercial success (because, as everyone knows, the best way to make a quick buck is by targeting it at stupid little kids that will pay for anything). Then Steven Spielberg stumbled upon his footage next to his corpse, saw the movie and was so impressed by how good it was that he immediately made an animated version for kids named The Man inside Mars, which went on to become the best-selling childrens movie of the 2020s.
Suddenly, a catastrophe happened: a drop of semen fell out of Jon Arbuckle's gigantic dick, and struck right into Earth's surface, causing a disgusting milkey tsunami that wiped out several infrastructures and killed several civiliansYou could say they got in a rather... sticky situation *ba-dum-tss*. This caused all the nations of Earth to make peace (yes, even Greater Ojai and Moccasinia) in order to fight together against this new menace of a comic strip character. Humanity's greatest scientists launched a giant spaceship with humanity's greatest warriors inside it, joining forces with the Martians and the Lizard people from Jupiter.The lizard people weren't actually from Jupiter, but were secretly modified, stateless clones of the Aracuan that had managed to survive after the Massacre that was Not Mentioned in ASBOSAAT (or anywhere). :3Surely:3 :3leaving:3 :3important:3 :3plotpoints:3 :3in :3 :3the:3 :3references:3 :3won’t:3 :3mess:3 :3up:3 :3the:3 :3continuity:3 :3of:3 :3:3 :3story:3.These references are all important. Don’t question their existence :3 But as everyone only sees this page via the edit menu...Guess what? I WILL question these references' existence! Those are an unnecessary amount of :3! And there's nothing you can do about- WAI WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T TAKE ME NO DON'T DON'T- :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3
Alright, how about i write this entire sentence in references only? 
You know, I'mstarting to think thatwith all these references, we'restarting to forget aboutcontinuing with the plot... 
Nah, i'd rather do this instead.
Well,youdoyou,Iguess...(extra :3 for no reason at all)
<ref> TAGS, we don't need no stanking <ref> TAGS!I disagree :3
AAAAAnyway, the Coalition Of Earth set up a rocketdrome at the Libbey Bowl in Ojai, Venturi, Caliphornia to shoot surface-to-space missiles at Jon Arbuckle. But unbeknownst to everyone else on Earth was that Odie was secretly on Jon's side, and had filled the rocketdrome with so much hot lasagna that it exploded into tiny lasagna bits and burned anyone unfortunate enough to be hit by one quite badly. Now that Odie had filled the Rocketdrome with Slightly Used Lasagna, everyone noticed the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan which was a little bit bigger than that one stadium in Nowhere (Ojai), California (not to be confused with Nowhere (Oxnard) or Nowhere (Thousand Oaks), California) and wondered why they didn't use that to begin with. Then they realised why they hadn't use that to begin with: the technology was completely outdated, several important parts for the ship to properly function were missing, and there were a family of rats living in the electrical box. But OPOSSUM then had a brilliant idea: launching a whole bunch of giant mutated dogs straight at Jon Arbuckle's face. "But Sir", said one of OPOSSUM's soldiers, "where are we going to find giant mutated dogs?" "Oh, that's easy" said, OPOSSUM, "we're just gonna feed them poisonous moccasins until they somehow become giant and mutated." While all this was happening, the multiverse went on a massive LSD drugtrip rampage. I guess that's what happens when a giant Jon Arbuckle and a lovecraftian horror goth Garfield end up having some fun in space.
Suddenly, Aliens! The rainbow moccasins have now revealed their true colors, and these colors are black and black! Now that they've got serious, they're sure as hell they're gonna kick some Gorefield as- oops, nevermind, Gorefield ate the rainbow moccasins.
Oh fuck, the moccasins are getting smaller! Now that they've seen Gorefield eat their loved ones, the moccasins are shrinking out of fear!
Luna, having been forced to see the moccasins shrink, finally decided that something had to be done. She spoke up. BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD IS THE WORD. (No, it isn't, the word she said is moccasins, which made small things BIG). And so, Luna helped the shoes overcome their fear, and once again were big and strong, these mythical mocassins. Everyone was ashamed that they said bird is the word so they changed the lyrics to honor the
moccassins.
Oh fuck, the leather shoes have become too powerful now! Maybe that's a good thing, because now Gorefield's ass will finally be kicked, thanks to the power of the
moccassins.
Luna then casted Moccasin Minimization spell, and this time it somehow worked, bringing all the moccasins back to normal size. But that was a bad idea, because now the moccasins couldn't kick Gorefield's ass, meaning that Luna had to do it by herself. Luckily Luna is still a goddess, so this shouldn't be so difficult. Surprisingly, it was difficult to do it. And it's all OPOSSUM's fault, since he destabilized the moccasins in the first place, wasting Luna's time and powers on minimizing them.Ahhhh, i love leaving important plotpoints in the refe- wait, what do you mean this one escaped?! Get back here you stupid sentence!For the record, haiiii :3 Speaking of OPOSSUM, he had the idea to launch big mutant dogs to space to see if that would scare Gorefield out of the galaxy, yet we haven't seen any mutant dogs being launched into space yet. That's because they tried turning Odie into one first, and he became so angry that he decided to rampage around the Earth with his new giant mutated body. This made OPOSSUM realize that any other dog would've been a much better pick for the mutation experiment than the one who was in kahoots with Gorefield.
=== The part of the story where we make Knife Girl relevant to the plot again (she will disappear after two paragraphs of text for some reason) ===
This single sentence comprises the entire first paragraph with Knife Girl in it, haha and it's ended with an exclamation point!
This second paragraph will be longer than a lonely sentence; and it will tell the short yet trepidating story about Knife Girl's adventure as one of the brave warriors chosen to be launched into space and fight Gorefield, how she gave all she had for this quest, and the sad yet bittersweet end that will be the reason for her abrupt disappearance from the plot. When Knife Girl got off the rocketship to lead the charge against Gorefield, she saw Jon fucking the cat, and knew that the sex gave Gorefield power. Thus, Knife Girl tried to come up with a plan that would keep Jon and Gorefield separated, which would instantly end the sexual intercourse, and with it, Gorefield's energy would slowly drain. So she spent day and night researching the "gay beam" that Luna had used earlier (it turns people gay), and figured that if you could turn people gay with a simple beam, then there should be some type of beam that can turn people asexual.
===Back to the show===
Frodo died again, like an infinite cycle he keeps encountering the evil ghost demon and dying to it. But then he was accidentally blasted by a gay beam during Knife Girl’s experiments, breaking his eternal death cycle (also he’s gay now, but that’s not important). Frodo becoming gay is the most important thing that ever happened in the history of this story. And Frodo became one with the Universe (he became God through a cosmic bit flip). Wait what the fuck no that didn't happen Frodo was killed like a million sentences ago and in a different itineration of the universe so this is not part of the canon of ASBOSAAT and Luna is still the One and Only God of this universe now let's get back to Knife Girl's asexual beam.
===Back to the show (for real) ===
Knife Girl had managed to invent her asexual beam at the same time that was busy writing about a fever dream involving Frodo, and was ready to blast Gorefield and Jon with it. "Who is the worst vandal to have come to Uncyclopedia?" asked Knife Girl. "This question isn't relevant to the story, Knife Girl" said the writers. "It is", said Knife Girl, while pointing a strange red-and-white body floating in space- it was none other than the Aracuan! He had somehow made his way to space to stop Jon and Gorefield himself, because he didn't believe OPOSSUMs plan would work. The Aracuan had launched his own spaceship, full of Aracuan clone zombies, that were ready to kick some Gorefield's ass -even if their own lifes were at risk. But they didn't account for Jon's delicious lasagna power-upping Gorefield massively, so they got their asses kicked instantly. Their spaceship was then wrecked by the Lovecraftian cat's paws; however, Knife Girl tried to get as many Aracuans as possible to their spaceship - not without putting on a hazmat suit first, as to avoid being contaminated by the Aracuan virus from the zombie clones. But she had forgotten to contain her still experimental asexuality beam, causing it to leak and turning the entire world asexual. (Except for the Chinese, whose population ballooned as ever.) Because the world was now fully asexual, reproduction ceased production, thus the human species was in danger of facing extinction. (Yes, even the Chinese, and their population started falling even harder than it already does.)
"AAAAAAAAA!" said Luna. She had just felt a great amount of homosexuality disappear from the face of Earth. "Who exactly is Luna?" asked Luna. "Well, Luna is the sole goddess of this universe, but despite all this she is unable to defeat Jon and Gorefield for some reason, so i'm trying to do the job for her instead." said Knife Girl, frustrated at the fact that Luna won't just use her god-powers to destroy Jon and Gorefield. "I wish I could fight Jon and Gorefield", said Luna; "but my God powers draws from the gayness of the world, and now that everyone have become asexual, I've become significantly weaker".
Suddenly, Saddam Hussein poisoned the water supply of Iraq with Viagra, and this resulted in people becoming sexually functioning and Luna gaining her powers back. Not really, because they were still asexual and weren't really inclined to partake in sexual intercourse; although Luna appreciated Saddam's attempt to make her gain her powers back. Suddenly, Saddam Hussein died, no one killed him, and this was like Frodo's eternal death cycle a few paragraphs ago. But no one really cares since he’s neither plot relevant nor popular. Besides, as stated before, the Frodo thing isn't canon, meaning that Hussein's infinite death isn't canon either; he's actually alive and safe with his wife and his two children. Luna proceeded to try and make everyone not asexual, but how could she do it? Her mind still held the plans for the bisexual ray.Conveniently, the rray was left unguarded.
"Saddam, where are you?" asked Luna. "Somewhere." said Saddam.
The bisexual ray was in the former Red Light District of Amsterdam. Luna and Saddam then both fucked prostitutes in the Red Light District of Amsterdam. (After getting the bisexual ray, of course, and spraying the city.) It was the best night of their lives outside that one time they almost did something rather than be lazy. And the one time Luna became god of course... Oh no, it wasn't! If I became an omnipotent deity then I would like it very much.
After screwing the prostitutes, both Luna and Saddam formed an alliance; Luna bestowed godly powers to Saddam, making Saddam a god as well. Apparently, Luna had forgotten she was talking to a fucking Saddam Hussein terrorist! Thus the Saddam Hussein terrorist began using his powers to blow stuff up, and trying to end the world one nuke at a time. He then obliterated Jon Arbuckle, Gothgirl Gorefield, and Knife Girl into pixie dust, making them disappear forever, never to return again; Luna praised this move, giving Saddam a gold medal. Unfortunately, this had the unintended effect of restarting the spiralling toward the end of the universe. Chaos occurred, but Saddam and Luna remained strong (since they were gods); they settled down in Doha, Qatar, one of the few safehavens from the mess. There they decided to make some eternal cycle of the universe both shrinking and expanding but never completely ending to perpetuate existence.
=== The adventures in Qatar===
Saddam and Luna proceeded to rule Qatar after overthrowing the Qatari king and locking him up in a jail cell full of smelly pigs. It was not very difficult, it only took about 10 minutes to slug it out since:
# They were Gods.
# Qatar is poorer than Vietnam.
Rich Qataris bestowed Islamic honors upon Luna and Saddam as Luna and Saddam benevolently colonized Qatar, making Qatar filthy rich once again. Oh how Kilgore would have loved the beaches of Qatar, the bombing, the napalm...
WE STRUCK OIL!
Luna and Saddam's engineers found more oil, making Qatar even more filthy rich; Saddam then decided to build the Burj Saddam, a massive skyscraper 5 kilometers tall. Because the US had violated the tradition of not waging a disastrous war by not waging war in a decade, they invaded Qatar to topple Luna but they failed since she decided to make everyone in the US trip massive balls on LSD. As the Americans tripped on LSD, they fired nuclear bombs all over Israel, destroying their closest ally. Coincidentally (?), the UN and NATO collapsed.
It was chaos: Russia and North Korea could nuke Europe and Japan with impunity! (S)he who controls the convenience controls the world, and so Luna nuked Russian commanders and put North Korea into a multi-front guerrilla war against French and American forces. At this point, she and Saddam realized that their collective godhood allowed them to bypass the restriction on resetting the universe. Before that happens, though, its time for another...Danube River Offensive!
Russia invaded most of Europe this time, dropping nuclear bombs on London, Paris, and Madrid, all while Luna and Saddam smoked high quality weed imported from Thailand. But this time it wasn't Winter and the rods who speak Funny gathered all of the Baltic States and Africa against Russia. With Kenyan witchcraft, the Africans fought bravely in the Baltics, even conquering St. Petersburg and renaming it Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe City, after the great methhead Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe.
===The Danube River Offesive, Pt 3===
As is tradition, a Colonel from the Vietnam War was involved in this offensive.
Then, Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe the methhead gathered forces from Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe City to fight Russia, alongside the Colonel from the Vietnam War. The Colonel then employed his hueys and River Patrol Boats to basically shoot down everything that wasn't an American. With the superpowers from Kenyan Witchcraft, Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe was able to deflect the American slaughter, and then gave the Americans Kenyan prostitutes to enjoy instead. This was all getting too much for Luna and Saddam, who began discussions to reset the universe. Unhappy that the War was going nowhere, the Colonel started philosophizing about how he can win without many resources.
Luna and Saddam then ordered Aliaunde Kaka Lululu Boko Akibe to finally take out both the Americans and Russians for good; nuclear weapons were bestowed and both the USA and Russia were obliterated. Expectedly, this only caused more fracturing and warring going on, the solution: the return of the Ring of the Nibelung (where the fuck is the rights to the One Ring?). The Ring was hidden underneath Qatar, prompting many Qatari people to excavate the desert to find it. They discovered it in Germany, actually, but it was brought to Qatar to Luna and Saddam. Qatari citizens were essentially fooled into digging for the Ring, but they didn't care since Luna and Saddam bestowed wealth upon all of them, which included Lamborghinis for everyone.
Regardless, the Ring was used to end fighting by rendering all nations powerless and weak, and thus everyone turned to Luna to worship her as a God.
===Wait, what the fuck?===
Luna then realized that there was still a Lovecraftian cat out there destroying the universe as we know it, and that the whole point of this trip (which Sadam Hussein joined for unknown reasons) was to find the Bisexual Ray hidden in the Amsterdam Red District (which they still haven't found yet), and everything that has happened before this sentence was a waste of time.
Meaning that the whole creation of the universe was a waste of time, thereby creating a existential paradox that consumed the lives of all who philosophize it. This existential paradox conveniently caused a black hole that consumed the previous two and a half paragraphs and even the end of this sente-
Luna and Saddam decided that they needed to reset the universe to 1048 days ago, when Euroipods ruled America.
Actually, no; these last few sentences are giving me a headache, so I'll just pretend they never existed, and write how Luna, with the newfound help of Sadam Hussein, traveled to the Red Light District to get the Bisexual Ray back (and no, they didn't fuck prostitutes this time; they couldn't, as the people haven't got their sexuality back). Except the Red Light District is just a nickname for any road crossing with more than four traffic lights in this universe, so instead they had to find the Nermal Freaky District (yes, that's what it's called). The Nermal Freaky District was found in South Britain, a country which, despite all other countries having joined to fight the giant menace in the sky, they still were in a fight against communism due to their idolatry towards capitalism; this meant that Luna and Hussein weren't going to be well-received in South Britain, as both were working with the communist militia.
The Lovecraftian cat that was destroying the Universe was giving arms to Russia this whole time, Luna and Saddam found out, making the war worthwhile; Luna and Saddam, since they were gods, then proceeded to destroy the Lovecraftian cat with one big nuclear bomb. That's what South British propaganda wanted you to believe; in reality, the Lovecraftian cat that was destroying the Universe gave zero fucks about Russia, meaning that the war was actually worthless, and Luna and Saddam had to stop it somehow. "AAAAA AA AAAAA AAAAAAA AAAAA, AA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA!, " spoke The Sauron. "The Sauron" was the nickname that a commander from the South British militia had given himself, who was now screaming in pain as Luna and Saddam had kidnapped him and tortured him in an attempt to infiltrate the Nermal Freaky District.
A notification suddenly appears on Luna's phone, saying that the universe is dangerously close to breaking and will commit The Emergency Universial ResetTM if it isn't fixed within an hour.
Inconveniently, an hour passed. That means the universe has reset!
Corrupted universe
nah, just kidding; they still have time (please please the story of Luna vs gorefield is interesting don't thorw it all to the trash please please). Every villain that ever existed start re-emerging from the void. Jon had monsterfucked so much that he gave Gorefield unlimited powers with his monsterfucking serum, and the Lovecraftian cat had summoned everyone who had once been against the main characters, in an attempt to stop them. 'HERES JOHNNY!' screamed everyone simultaneously. But to everyone's fear it's just Jon Arbuckle.
Jon Arbuckle then started (doing something so horrid I cannot describe) then he (doing something even more horrid) before doing the (something so damn horrid I would get banned if I described it). Fuck, that's gonna traumatize me for the rest of my life- anyways, let's get back with the misadventures of Luna and Saddam Hussein before I turn crazy from seeing all this monsterfucking lunacy.
Has the plot progressed, like, at all during the last couple of paragraphs? Yes. But only barely.
Luna killed Gorefield; hurrah the story is ended, Gorefield is ended!
That's like, a really bad way to end the plot; please try better the next time.
Luna engaged Gorefield in an epic Star Wars anime style fight with explosions all around the stars while everything all collided into one big insanity chaos void so retarded I cannot begin to describe it.
Don’t worry, we’ll get someone else to explain it instead.
===Starting again from three chapters ago because it's really hard to write a somewhat coherent plot when people just want to write about Sadam Hussein or Frodo, or: How Luna went on a quest to find the Bisexual Ray, in an attempt to bring homosexuality back to Earth and get back her powers to kick Gorefield's butt===
The bisexuality ray was concealed under a bridge in Ketchikan with some hobosexuals who kept hiding it away from all of Gorefield's soldiers who continuously swept the entire surface of the planet for the ray to destroy, but they thought Luna was another soldier and she somehow couldn't convince them to let it go despite herself being god *whew* long sentence. "Wait, the fuck is a Gorefield soldier", asked Luna, "I thought everyone in the world joined to fight Gorefield"; "well, you're wrong", replied the Ketchikan hobosexual, "some traitors have started to cause riots all over the world because they think Jon monsterfucking Gorefield is extremely hot and we should let them keep monsterfucking in the skies even if it means we'll soon perish because of them". "Let us purge them," Luna said, "then we can deal with Gorefield."
They could, in fact not deal with Gorefield, and the Ketchikan hobosexuals were promptly eaten like lasagna.
Gorefield taunted them: "Gods? How can you not beat me? You are Gods!" He then proceeded to suck Jon's cock so hard that it had to be sewn back on by a doctor.
"Jon, get ready for some hot (why the fuck would I describe this if I know I would get banned)!" said Gorefield after being sewn.
While Goth Gorefield was (whatever the fuck it is, but it's probably better not to know), Luna was mourning the loss of the hobosexuals, who were given as a sacrifice to the Lovecraftian cat by the Gorefield soldiers (self-proclaimed "Lasagnatians") after they had tried to infiltrate their facility; enraged by this unjustice, Luna bought the most expensive and badass-looking gun she could find, and said: "It's time to kick some Gorefield-worshipping butt". 
But then, to everyone’s surprise, The Moose™️ suddenly remembered that it had been in a great relationship with Jon in a previous iteration of this universe. And by "The Moose™️", we mean Knife Girl; and by Jon, we actually mean Gothfield. This increased her rage against Gothfield because of Gothfield's betrayal of her in that iteration.
=== Universe Reset 3.5 ===
We're now resetting this article so it'll be less incoherent. No, doc, we had a pretty coherent story already, we just needed to jump back to a more coherent part of the story. Knowing that, let's go forwards.
=== Now where were we? ===
Ah yeah; while Luna was trying to get the Bisexual Ray from the Lasagnanitians, Knife Girl was trying to repair the Asexual Ray, in an attempt to finally separate Jon from Gorefield. She then quickly found out that she couldn't fix it alone, so she got John (who everyone had forgotten is still in this universe) to help her fix it. They quickly found out they needed a crystal known as "Uranius", which weirdly enough, was only found on Jupiter's surface; this meant that John had to get out of the spaceship and risk being attacked by Gorefield to achieve the Uranius. But before he could do that he noticed that a strange guy with moccasin-shaped moccasins ran straight past him. "Sometimes I like to pull moccasins out of my ass," said Møqasÿn Rein, having absolutely no knowledge of the fact that Mockasiin isn't his son. "How the fuck are you running and breathing in space", said John, who now was in a smaller ship in his way to Jupiter. "I am a minor god of the Pantheon of Moccasinia, how the fuck are you making it through space in that clunker?" said Møqasÿn Rein. "But I thought you only believed to be yourself a god because you took to much LSD!", replied John; "also, this is not a cluner, but one of the most recent innovations in spaceship technology, thankyouverymuch".
Well, turns out that one of the most recent innovations in spaceship technology still doesn't fare well against random rocks flying at extreme speeds. Those rocks are made of lead and are called bullets, and were accelerated to their extreme speeds by Gorefield at John's clunker."I hold a deeply cynical view of the world," said someone. Luckily, John (not Jon) managed to escape and succesfully infiltrated Gorefield's starship. There, he found quite a lot of slime and half-digested lasagnas leading in a long trail across the spaceship, and he immediately assumed that it ends where Gorefield currently is, so he gathered some weapons from the local storage room and started following the trail. Checking his pockets, he found that his catnip had remained intact through the penetration of the clunker and in its airtight-sealed bag. But when he got to the end of the slimy trail he noticed that Gorefield wasn't there at all. Instead, he found Luna, deformed as if she was AI-generated and covered in slime, and when he approached her, she morphed into Gorefield. But then she morphed into Jon Arbuckle, and then into Knife Girl, and then into Møqasÿn Rein, and then into Jacques Noir, and then into Luna again; and, to John's surprise, the strange vision then morphed into John. "Yes, I can shapeshift," said the vision, "and I have been impersonating Luna, Jon and Gorefield at the same time (despite how improbable this seems), killing everyone who could potentially find my secret, and now it's time to kill you!" The vision died by dick-sucking Jon who in turned did the same thing to Gorefield while Gorefield did the same thing to the vision. (Or at least that's what it looked like; Jon, the Vision and Gorefield were one and the same person who was originally just Gorefield.) Then John was tackled by the real Gorefield, who had by now noticed that there was an intruder in the ship. The intruder napalmed Vietnam for the hell of it, and said: "If napalm was a women I'd marry it." But was just a vision, since the intruder is John, and we all know just how gay John is.For reference, he literally has a boyfriend in a different universe, and they actually love each other. Yes i know he can be bisexual/pansexual/omnisexual/the secret fourth version of sexual that involves liking more than one gender, but having a character be specifically gay for no reason whatsoever is quite funny, so that is canon now. Besides, John was being chocked by Gorefield, meaning that this was a second intruder indide the ship. This intruder turned out to be- The writer was stabbed midway through writing this sentence since the intruder wants to keep their identity a secret right now just to built up as much unnecessary suspense as possible.Unfortunately, their efforts were in vain; anyway Luna did something. She's not the intruder we're talking about, but she's here anyway, and she's got the writer's blessing to use her god powers again. But she' got to be cautious, as the world hasn't got gay yet and Luna is still too weak. Gorefield, of course, being the shapeshifter vision abomination and somehow had given his shapeshifting introduction to John before noticing he was there. But then Luna did something with her god-powers, and the thing she did was blast Gorefield to pieces. But in an amazing plot twist, the shapeshifter wasn't Gorefield; in fact, the spaceship wasn't Gorefield's, as Gorefield, being an eldtitch god, was the size of Jupiter and would never fit in an actual spaceship. Finally, Someone got the good idea to actually use Luna's god powers to launch Jupiter at the Gorefield. But Luna is still too weak because the lazy writers still haven't finished the Bisexual Ray plot! And we never will! -The lazy writers (lie). Luna had acquired the trust of the Lasagnanitians who were none too happy about their products being eaten by the metric ass-ton by a being the size of Jupiter, and enlisted their help in the destruction of Gorefielf, getting a Lasagnanitian Tattoo of a Mutant Spider-frog as she did it. However, not every Lasagnatitian had changed to Luna's side; some still swore devotion to Gorefiel, who found her being the size of Jupiter extremely hot. Nobody cares at the time, but this will cause problems later. Continuing with the shapeshifter plot; John was now trying to avoid flying knives that the shapeshifter, now with the shape of Knife Girl, was throwing at him. Unfortunately for him, he got caught in one and died.
=== Oh crap, we just killed a Major character! ===
Wait a minute, the John that died wasn't the actual John, but someone that looked like him! I blame this mixup on the extremely disjointed plot that we've written during the last couple of paragraphs. And it's thanks to that extremely disjointed plot that we've written during the last couple of paragraphs, that Gorefield has been getting more and more powerful, while the main characters have been doing jack shit and barely advanced the plot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The shapeshifter had been impersonating Jon Arbuckle to the public, and the Real Jon Arbuckle had been impersonating John. And John had been impersonating the Aracuan, meaning that he was the real cause of World War Moccasin. In the penis of the globalist. No; this is all a lie that the second intruder wants you to believe; but the truth is- the writer then was chocked to death before they ended the sentence.
Gorefield then turned out to just be a holograph, meaning that there was an unknown character with all of her power playing everyone for fools. The real Gorefield have gone to a galactic motel with Jon Arbuckle, where they could have more privacy and people wouldn't try to attack them with futuristic spaceships. But this motel was a trap, created by Luna (God) to kill Gorefield. This trap turned out to be a fuckton of bombs, and Gorefield wasn't able to get away in time since she's a giant eldritch monster without legs. But Luna couldn't have done that motel as she's still powerless by the lack of gayness in the world, meaning that it had to be made by the second intruder, whose real name is- the writer then was poisoned before they could have finished the sentence.
Alright, you stupid mystery intruder, you've killed too many writers now. Who are you?
Oh shit, the mystery intruder is James E. Faust! And to think everyone thought he was a peace-loving Mormon! And the ones who didn't think that just had to find out that he exists, which has probably ruined everyone's day. Elder Faust, as he was called, was Acting President of the Q... I mean, Acting God until Luna regained her powers (but luckily seems to be against Gorefield too). He's kinda just... there, watching Jon and Gorefield fight an endless battle against Luna and John. (Until he created the Motel, which deathtrapped Gorefield, who nobody knows if is dead, and for-sure-killed Jon Arbuckle, who was on honeymoon with Gorefield.) (What's with the parentheses?) (I don't know, but it looks cool (not really)) [Uhhh, sure, i guess.] That Motel, after exploding, became a pile of Moccasins which created a huge surplus. This means that on the off-chance that Jon survived the Gorefield-explosion he would be crushed to death by a bunch of weirdly prevalent leather shoes. And with that, our heroes solved the major conflict of this section of the SBOSAAT. SO what the fuck do we do now?
===Defeating James E. Faust===
It began. It began with a huge influx of moccasins into the economy from Outer Space. Naturally, moccasins stunned Faust. But the problem with these moccasins was that they became sentient from touching James, and so they all collectively decided to take over Earth (which has by now been forgotten by the rest of the plot because it isn’t exactly relevant anymore). As much as Luna wanted to take down the big bad, she still was extremely weak, so she stopped wasting time, came back to Earth, went to the Freaky District and set to find the Bisexual Ray once and for all. Inconveniently, it was held in the hands of James Edward Faust. But James has butterfingers, so he lost it somewhere. Now Luna has to find it before Faust does, or else all gayness in the world will be gone for good!
Luckily, Odie had managed to locate the bisexual ray by accident while trying to create a new type of dog treat filled to the brim with estrogen. But Odie though the ray was a bone, and hold it in his mouth; and now both Lula and Faust had to chase a gigantic mutated Odie throughout the galaxy. During this chase the dog treats ended up in the hands of a puppygirl clan somehow. This was horrible news for Luna, as she was a kittygirl, meaning that puppygirls were her deadliest enemy - and her greatest fear. But the ratgirls decided to show up and steal the dog treats because they're scavengers. Now the ratgirls and puppygirls are fighting eachother to claim the Bisexual Ray; little do they know, their war might be cut short as Faust is about to steal it from them both!!!... But neither the puppygirls nor the ratgirls have the Bisexual Ray, since Odie dropped the estrogen dog treats instead. But wait, if neither of them has it, where is the Bisexual Ray?
"I HAVE IT!...IT WAS RIGHT IN MY HANDS!" claimed James Edward Christopher Tolkien Walter John Jack Torrance Tolkien Faust. This is a totally new character and not the same person as James E. Faust, just in case anyone was wondering. Then James E. Faust stole the artifact from James Edward Christopher Tolkien Walter John Jack Torrance Tolkien Faust's hands, which caused the latter to start chasing him and shooting him with the latest technology in laser guns. And the latest technology in laser guns turns out to be a prototype of the asexual ray that Knife Girl is currently creating. "Hey, where did my asexual ray go?"; said Knight Girl, who were unaware of the shenanigans that were taking place- and to the fact that Jon Arbuckle had been defeated. James Edward Christopher Tolkien John Jack Torrance Tolkien Faust died. But before he died he had managed to blast the entirety of Moccasinia with the asexual ray prototype, turning them asexual as well as doing something else that i won't reveal right now because i want unnecessary suspense in this story. Luna was still trying to get her Bisexual Ray to work, despite both James E. Faust and James E. C. T. W. J. J. T. T. Fausts' best efforts. Luckily it's actually useful now that the entire universe isn't bisexual anymore. James Faust was actually a good person in this story, as he wanted everyone to remain sexless in order to make them go to heaven; it's just that in this universe all that is useless, as Luna's the one in charge of heaven and doesn't care about if you had sex or not; but Faust's gigantic ego blinded him enough tomake him not realize this,making him a moraly gray villain. That's a lie, since Luna cares about if you have had sex or not; you get to go to heaven if you had good gay sex and t̶͍̩͆̎͛͝h̵̢̧̥͉̉́ę̶͔̖̹̈̎ ̵̘͈̬͍̈́̆v̵͔͔̞͂o̴̱͍̦̓i̴̺̔d̵̰͖̲͎͋̈́̽̔ if you didn't. Once you escape from t̶͍̩͆̎͛͝h̵̢̧̥͉̉́ę̶͔̖̹̈̎ ̵̘͈̬͍̈́̆v̵͔͔̞͂o̴̱͍̦̓i̴̺̔d̵̰͖̲͎͋̈́̽̔', you can go to whichever heaven you want, but Luna was still working on the bisexual ray.
Odie then knocked most of the planets of the solar system out of their orbit since he is a giant dog running around in space.
Except Odie didn't say this because he's dead.
=== The return of Gothfield ===
Now that Jon Arbuckle was dead, Goth Gorefield had lost her source of eldritch powers (sex), making her come back to her original form: a goth anthropomorphic cat with big boobs. (It looked epic, thousands of moccasins flying together in the form of a cat.) What; no, Gothfield is definitely not made out of moccasins, but of flesh; she damn wishes she looked anything like that. But when Gothfield died in the Motel, it was obliterated into a flood of Moccasins. Inconveniantly, Jon was reincarnated as James E.T.C. Faust. They were also both hit by the asexual ray, meaning that they couldn't have regular sex anymore either.
Gothfield, whose flesh had turned into Moccasins after to almost dying at the motel; desperately needed to harvest more sexual power or else she'd be doomed to be nothing but moccasins the rest of her life (which wasn't that bad, but Gothfield preferred looking like an anthropomorphic orange cat, rather than small moccasins flying to form an anthropomorphic orange cat). But she couldn't go the easy route and turn herself into a giant eldritch monster anymore, since the universe was so unstable that it would auto-reset if she did that. What she needed to do was to convince someone into having sex with her, and she knew damn well who to trick: her transgender lesbian ex-girlfriend, Knife Girl. But she also had the problem that she couldn't harvest any sexual power anyway, since she was hit by the asexual ray, so she needs to find the bisexual ray and blast herself with it.
The Bisexual Ray was now once again in the hands of the ratgirls clan, who took it while nobody was looking, and started blasting it around the universe, turning random beings into bisexuality - even those whose species didn't have sexuality in the first place. But the bisexual ray ended up overheating and exploded before Gothfield had the chance to get hit by it. The explosion made the genderfluid -the liquid that was inside the ray and made people become bisexuals- spread all over the galaxy; finding it was both Luna's only hope to get the world gay and get her gay powers again- and Gothfield's goal to gain her eldritch powers again. Freedom. But Knife Girl absorbed all of the gender fluid, and subsequently became every gender that has ever existed everShe's still called Knife Girl because i like women, especially if they're gay.. But mere humanoids cannot contain the entirety of the gender fluid, so it was vomited out into a plot-relevant location. The plot-relevant location was none other than the place were Gorefield was, who quickly injected the genderfluid into her veins -despite the fact that it had been vomited out of Knife Girl's mouth-, gaining back some of her goth eldritch powers; if she wanted to fully gain them back, she needed to steal Knife Girl's genderfluid the only way possible: by having sex with her. But then something happened that nobody was expecting. The moccasins had learnt of Gothfield's plan and had decided to kill her to stop this from happening. However, Gothfield had already approached Knife Girl with the sexiest dress she could find, and softly spoke to her ear: "Do you remember me, darling?" But Knife Girl rejected her, because Gothfield looks a little like an eldritch monster and Knife Girl is not a monsterfucker. This is FALSE: everyone knows Knife Girl is a monsterfucker, as evidenced by the fact that KG is also goth and she did date Gothfield several sentences ago while she was still known as "Knife Guy"even though Gothfield wasn't an eldritch monster by that time, she was still an antropomorphic cat, which could be referred to as a "monster" by several professionals in the field of monsterfucking; the real reason she rejected Gothfield was that Knife Girl was heartbroken because Gothfield had left her over the idiotic man that was Jon Arbuckle. And Gothfield got an eldrich-horror case of HIV-AIDS from injecting the vomit of Knife Girl, who had gotten it from a recent one-night stand, into her veins. In other words, Gothfield had to be sent to a hospital since HIV-AIDS is a quite deadly disease, from which she couldn't enact her plan of having extremely hot monstersex with Knife Girl from there. (Of course, KG was an asymptomatic carrier, but still contagious.)
Meanwhile, Luna had broken the fourth wall and appeared in the real world, and she's currently typing this very sentence! That's true! Now she got out of your screen computer and used some of the spilled genderfluid to change you into a girl - sorry, I don't make the rules! Acting God James E. Faust did a Minor Reset to before Luna broke the fourth wall, to avoid continuity conflicts. Then Luna made a minor reset do before James E. Faust did his own reset because she was gonna turn you into a girl regardless of how many times the universe was gonna get reset.
AARRGH, I GIVE UP AND A SPOLORDE THE UNVIAIVERSE. Then Luna reset the unviaiverse to right before a spolorded it. Except Luna still hasn't gotten the Gender Fluid for her gun, as it is mostly coursing through KG and Gorthfields' veins, so it would have to be James E. Faust (not James Etc. Faust). But James E. Faust can't reset the universe because he's not a God and does not have God powers, meaning that the previous sentences only happened in his mind. The author of the last sentence is a fool, for several sentences ago we crowned him acting god. But Luna still has her god powers and doesn't really care about the existence of James E. Faust, so there's some fuckery going on here.
Because this story is not written by morally confused simpletons, Luna continued to do whatever the hell she was doing, I'm too lazy to look at the rest of the sentences. This led to Luna accidentally overloading this universe with bullshit, starting an irreversible process that would end with the universe being reset yet again. Conveniently, there was a 'stop overloading the universe with bullshit' button. Luna had the button built when She became the new God to avoid getting the universe again - that way, her Godhood wouldn't end so soon; and now was the perfect moment to push it - which She did, saving the universe from yet another reset -; now, the only danger to this universe was Gothfield, who luckily was still in the hospital with STDs.
=== A section that really only exists because the previous one was getting too long ===
But Gothfield had used her charms to convince the world's smartest scientist to develop a cure for STDs - all they needed was to find a secret ingredient hiding in the deepest corners of the galaxy. This secret ingredient turned out to be one of the rarest things in existence: A leather shoe that is NOT a moccasin. Such shoe was considered blasphemous and heretic to the believers of the mocassins , and thus, they had hidden it from everyone's view, not knowing the powers it contained. This upset Gothfield, since they were indirectly preventing her from getting cured of her disease and eventually taking over the universe. That's why she decided she would curse all of the believers of the mocassins and drive them bat fuck insane once she had got her powers back. But this was only a promise, and she might not be able to act upon it since her life condition is worsening by the second. So she used the few charisma and charm she still has left to convince a patient from the hospital to search for the Forbidden Leather Shoe -and it just so happened that that patient was none other than Chris-chan Ian Brandon Anderson.
Suddenly, the Universe *almost* died, almost. This was because Luna’s "stop overloading the universe with bullshit"-program had been suddenly put behind a paywall without her noticing, and she only found out and fixed at the literal last second. Meanwhile, Ian Brandon Anderson had gotten out of the hospital without no one noticing his sudden disappearance (somehow), and was now inside a small spaceship that he stole from some aliens.
=== HOLY SHIT SOMETHING SIGNIFICANT JUST HAPPENED ===
LIES LIES I DECEIVED YOU. "NOTHING EVER HAPPENS ANYMORE!" Proclaimed Luna. She’d finally had enough with not being allowed to use her god-powers for literally anything, and has now planned to turn the rest of the writers into women. "Hey, this is the third time in a row you tried to turn me into a woman", said one of the writers, "don't you have something different for a change?" "I was talking about the rest of the writers, not you", replied Luna.
"OoHOoOHooOHOHOooHOO!!" replied a mysterious guy. This mysterious guy turned out to be James E. Faust… again. He also wanted the Forbidden Leather Shoe for himself for unknown reasons that will be later revealed, so he got to the stolen spaceship and fought against Ian Brandon Anderson. This was, to put it mildly, one of the most boring battles ever, so i’m just gonna skip ahead until one of them get randomly hit by a stray moccasin or something like that. But they weren't hit by a moccasin- it was a leather shoe, but not a moccasin: it was the forbidden leather shoe! But both James and Ian were too busy falling asleep while fighting each other to notice that it wasn’t just a moccasin. The forbidden leather shoe was then stolen by a third character, which just like James E. Faust, tried their best to keep their identity in obscurity and mystery. The narrator, who is omniscient, revealed that the third character is James Edward Christopher Tolkien Walter John Jack Torrance Tolkien Faust.
J. E. C. T. W. J. J. T. T. Faust tried thinking of what to do with this forbidden leather shoe, and he eventually decided on smashing it to pieces with a rock. The universe died again, as a result. "No!", exclaimed Ian Brandon Anderson, "I must give that forbidden leather shoe to Gothfield; she promised she'd be my hot goth girlfriend if I did!"; Ian Brandon Anderson then got his way to James Edward Christopher Tolkien Walter John Jack Torrance Tolkien Faust, and kicked the forbidden leather shoe out of his hand.
The forbidden leather shoe was now spinning in the vacuum of outer space, and Ian Brandon Anderson, James E. Faust and James Edward Christopher Tolkien Walter John Jack Torrance Tolkien Faust run as fast as they could to get it. But neither of them were fast enough to catch up to the forbidden leather shoe, so Luna just teleported to it and took it instead. But Luna was still without her gay powers when will we get to resolve that plotpoint, anyways?, meaning that this Luna is a FAKER! But then she got her gay powers back resolved the plotpoint for you, meaning that this is the real Luna after all. But wait, how did she get her gay powers if the bisexual ray is broken and the genderfluid has been stolen by both Knife Girl and Gothfield? Because she’s still the god and can give herself those powers at will, maybe? Then what was the fucking point of the whole "losing her powers without maximum gayness" part of the story? I’m not sure, all i know is that i didn’t write any of it so i can just ignore it if i want to. Luna, tired with all the bickering about the canon, rebuilt the Bisexual Ray. She also decided to rebuild the Un-Existinator for some unexplainable reason that no one really knows.No, i’m serious. Absolutely no one, not even Luna herself, knows why she rebuilt it. But then Gothfield appeared out of nowhere, and stole Luna's new-built Bisexual Ray, while saying "well, Luna, if you want to play dirty and change the canon at will; two can play at that game".
===HOLY SHIT THE BISEXUAL RAY WAS STOLEN===
In a turn of events so predictable even retards could see it, Gothfield stole it, however will she handle it? Turns out she won’t because Luna decided to use the Un-Existinator on her before she could do anything. But Ian Brandon Anderson was so willing to have a goth eldritch girlfriend, that he sacrifised himself by getting in the way of the ray, not realizing that by doing so he wasn't going to ever get laid, as he would stop existing altogether. Frustrated by this, Luna fired the Un-Existinator again, only to realize that it had broken and hit her in the leg instead. Thankfully, Luna can't make her own self un-exist, as if she didn't exist, she wouldn't have shoot herself with the Un-Existinator, causing her to exist - this doesn't stop the fact that Gothfield is running away with the Bisexual Ray and Luna can't stop her with a broken Un-Existinator. But even though Luna herself can’t un-exist, her leg can, so she’s amputated now i guess.
Gothfield had taken advantage of Luna's recent amputationalthough, according to the laws of the Un-Existinator, it's as if she had always been amputated... to run away from her with the Bisexual Ray, which she dismantled to take the genderfluid and incorporate into her body; however, Luna had already thought of this situation and the new Bisexual Ray didn't have enough genderfluid to get Gothfield's powers fully back, meaning that she still has to steal it from Knife Girl somehow (at least now she's powerful enough to be immune against STDs...)
Inconveniently, she was not, as previously assumed, immune to STDs (and LSD). Luckily this doesn’t mat- oh wait, i forgot that she still has HIV-AIDS. Gothfield was already too far to get the forbidden leather shoe and make the cure for AIDS herself, so she decided to change her plans: she was going to make Knife Girl fall in love with her and have sex to gain her powers back, which would make her immune to STDs and wipe out the AIDS from her body; but Gothfield had to be quick, or else the HIV-AIDS might consume the powers she still have left...
Gothfield died. Knife Girl was standing next to her corpse, which she found floating in space; she should feel happy that a menace as dangerous as Gothfield had been wiped out, but she couldn't shake the feeling of sadness whenever she saw those pretty eyes closed like that, and she wondered what could've happened if she had given her another chance...
Because I want to bring back AZATHOTH for one sentence, AZATHOTH came back and resurrected Gothfield for some hot mothfucking with a moth, then AZATHOTH floated back up to the void again. This "void" is also known as the Distortion World, so AZATHOTH is now canonically a part of the Pokémon universe. This "Distortion World" is also known as the "Dark World", so the Pokémon universe is now canonically confirmed to be part of the Deltarune universe.
===Meanwhile, in an irrelevant part of the plot...===
Nothing happened in this part of the plot, so go back to the main show. Then what's the point of this section?
===Back to the relevant plot===
Ralsei was now confused as to why exactly there was a giant devilish dragon creature (also known as Giratina) in his Castle Town.
===Wrong plot, wrong plot!!!!! ===
====Right plot, right plot!!!!!!====
=====HOLY SHIT THE PLOTS ARE ALL WRONG=====
======Does that mean we've all been writing nonsense for the last couple of months then?======
=======nothing matters=======
======Oh cool, we hit the subheader limit!======
*Ahem* let's get back to the (lack of) plot - Knife Girl saw Gorefield slowly opening her eyes, and for some reason, felt a feeling of relief. Also Luna had cast the "forbidden leather shoe minimization spell" while we were busy playing with all the headers, so the forbidden leather shoes had now stopped tearing apart the universeFun fact: This is the reason why they're called forbidden leather shoes, and not just leather shoes. Please ignore the part of the story where they were specificed to NOT be moccasins, and actually something completely different.. Going back to Knife Girl; she felt that her heart was rapidly pounding as Gothfield slowly moved her black-painted lips to say "what... what happened?"; and the moment the goth anthropomorphic cat made eye contact with KGKnife' Girl, she couldn't help but blush. This caused Knife Girl to impulsively fling a whole bunch of knives into the air, but since she has horrible aim she got hit by every single one. "That looks like it hurts, are you okay?"; asked Gothfield, while blood was drippibg from the wounds that KG had accidentally made to herself; "nah, it's okay", shyly answered KG, while still blushing. The blood was so bad that she nearly died of over-complicated-plot-syndrome. But she survived due to over-complicated-plot-armor instead. Knife Girl fainted due to the loss of blood, but Gothfield held her in her arms, which made KG's face stand incredibly close to Gothfield's huge badonkers, making KG's nose bleed like in those anime shows.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the KGBKnife Girl Bureau showed up."We're here to assist you, Knife Girl!", said one of the officers of the KGB, and started covering her with bandages and all kinds of medical stuff; they then left the scene once they had finished their job, and Gothfield pretended as if nothing had happened. They didn’t really know what they were doing though, since they’re secret agents and not doctors, so Knife Girl was noe literally covered in knives, bandages, syringes, moccasins and jawbreakers. As a result, the floor was now stained by rainbow bloodnote: when Knife Girl absorbed the genderfluid, her blood became rainbow-pigmented due to the overflow of gender in her body, and Knife Girl was barely able to think straightwell, it's not as she has ever thought straight....
===5 detailed paragraphs of non-stop barreling being able to think straight===
WHAT DO I Do? C'MON, THINK THINK THINK! WHY CAN'T I THINK?? No!
===5 detailed paragraphs of non-stop barreling being able to think gay===
Fortunately, this section is irrelevant. Except it very much isn't, and every single writer is now gay.
===PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LETS GET BACK TO THE PLOT===
No >:3 People like you are why we can't have nice things.
Please stop edit conflicting me I'm trying to type but you guys won't let me 🥺
Anyway, Ralsei is now real.
Yaaaaaaaaaaay 😁 (but how is he going to fit in the plot 🤔?)
Oh, i know, we can create stumble across a dark fountain somewhere in this universe!
But... where do we leave the plot about Gothfield trying to steal Knife Girl's genderfluid and all that? Well, it's still part of the plot, but now there's a dark fountain too. Yay! :3
So, Luna could now see a big dark geyser in the distance, and had no clue about what was going on. And next to the big dark geyser, she saw that there was a cute antropomorphic goat boy clothed with a green hat and a pink scarf waving her from the distance! There was also an eyeless blue human and a big magenta lizard with a giant axe standing next to him. "Who are these people?", said Luna, and approached to the dark fountain to get to know better these tree newfound characters. It turns out that they're the three main characters of Deltarune. But Luna didn't know what Deltarune was, so she didn't understand how breathtaking getting to meet these people in real lifein her real life, I mean was. But before she could find out whatever Deltarune is they were interrupted by Jacques Noir the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia. "What are you doing here?", asked Luna, "I thought you had stayed on Earth while the whole fight agaisnt Jon the Monsterfucker was happening in space". "Well, you see, The Knight has blessed me with his hand and moccasins, and i have now regained my title and power, and i will stop at NOTHING to make sure i keep it this time!" said Móckasiin. "But... I thought that the whole fighting a giant monsterfucker in space had made you and the rest of the world realize that fighting between each other is a dumb idea and that we should strive for peace and prosperity instead!!!!!!!", exclaimed Luna. "I never cared about peace and prosperity, i always wanted power!" said Móckasiin. "You... are a MONSTER!", exclaimed Luna, "I knew you were evil, but I didn't know you were THIS evil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". "Well, you know what they say, to mock me is a sin." said Móckasiin. "I've never heard you say that", said Luna, "in fact, now that I look you closer, I don't think I even know who you are...Luna has never properly met Móckasiin in this story, he only appeared once, and it was right before a universal reset, and he didn't reappear after that like Møqasÿn Rein or Gothfield did".
"Well, fuck it, i guess i'll just get rid of you then!", said Móckasiin, to which he then brought a massive moccasin cannon with him. But then Susie Deltarune appeared from nowhere and destroyed the cannon with a single hit. "Well fuck it, guess i'll just get someone else to do the job for me then", Móckasiin said as he summoned two sentient moccasins to fight against Luna, Ralsei, Susie and Kris. Now it's the part when that catchy fighting music from Deltarune starts playing, as the background becomes black boxes with purple outlines.
The moccasins tried to stomp on them. But these moccasins were using the so-called "big projectiles", so they actually did very little damage. The fact that moccasins did so little damage infuriated Móckasiin, who blamed the Deltarune Battle System for his own low-tier attackes, so he switched to Pokémon Battle System instead. But all the moccasin-related moves were low-damage or status moves, so this ended up being even worse.
Luna used kicking Móckasiin in the balls... it was incredibly effective!
"Welp, looks like it's time for me to get going." said Móckasiin, flying away on his magic flying moccasin-carpet. "What a loser", said Susie the purple dinosaur; "by the way, who are you?" asked the purple dinosaur to Lula. "I don't know, i was made up five seconds ago", said Lula. "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the other girl", said the purple dinosaur, referring to Luna (this time I typed it the correct way yay).
=== Deltarune Chapter 3 ===
No? Yes!!!!! ACTUALLY?!
*ahem* "My name is Luna", she said to the three newfound heroes, "and I'm the God of this universe".
=== OPOSSUM IS BACK FROM ALASKA AND HE’S LITERALLY GONE BERSERK!!!!! ===
The Great God Mokkááwŝen became angry at Luna for calling herself the god of the universe. But The Great God Mokkááwŝen had been gone from this story for a long time now, so nobody cares about his opinion anymore. All that Mokkááwŝen could do is challenge Luna to a match in the hit GameCube game Super Smash Bros Melee: no items, fox only, final destination. But then the stupid storyteller Fenris2010 decided to make Mokkááwŝen more powerful, so Mokkááwŝen just obliterated Luna instead of playing Super Smash Bros. Melee. But Fenris2010 was no match to DaniPine3, who made Luna even even more powerful, making her the actual winner of this match.
And then OPOSSUM came in, causing Luna to actually lose by four stocks. But Luna's sheer LESBIAN POWER made her win anyways. But then Fenris2010 inserted himself into the story and killed Luna himself. But Luna can't be killed, since she's God, so she remained alive and decided to end this paragraph before something worse happened to her. But LESBIAN POWER is no match for moccasins.
=== Deltarune Chatper 3 (reprise)===
=== OPOSSUM IS BACK FROM ALASKA AND HE’S LITERALLY GONE BERSERK!!!!! (continued because Fenris2010 is just spamming now) ===
=== Deltarune Chatper 3 (reprise) (reprise)===
=== OPOSSUM IS BACK FROM ALASKA AND HE’S LITERALLY GONE BERSERK!!!!! (continued) (continued) ===
=== Deltarune Chatper 3 (reprise) (reprise) (reprise the third)===
...putting all of that aside, Luna and our 3 heroes (in case you have forgotten, those are Kris, Susie and Ralsei) then took a slide down to the moccasin-prairies, while some awesome video game music was playing in the background. Anything you may have read about The Great God Mokkááwŝen until now has not happened yet, but will happen in the distant future, and was displayed in the sentences before due to a tiny breach in the time-space continuum that was likely caused by Gothfield; now all that you need to focus in is in the fact that Luna will have a great adventure with the peeps from Deltarune. I mean, how wouldn't you have a great time if you're stuck in a world filled to the brim with moccasins? Anyway; Luna, Kris, Susie, and Ralsei looked around in the moccasin-prairies, and encountered... The Roaring Knight.
"Hey", said the lesbian purple dinosaur; "you still haven't told us who you are", asked once again to Luna. "Oh, I'm Luna." said Luna. "Luna you say??? That's quite unique." responded the dinosaur. While Luna and the others were talking, The Roaring Knight was creating a Dark Fountain. This caused The Roaring, because there's already a fountain in this story. This meant that non-living stuff like toys, computers, statues, shoes and the like became sentient thanks to the power of dark magic.
"Alright Luna, let's kill some monsters" said Susie, completely out of the blue. "Huh, but I thought you yourself was a monster..." said Ralsei, while holding his pink scarf. This was shrugged off instantly and no one ever mentioned this exchange again. Meanwhile, the Roaring continued to happen and Titans started coming. So the heroes and Luna decided to just run straight towards them and fight them directly, somewhat because there wasn't any time to do anything else, but mostly because having active fights go on in the plotline is more fun to write about. But fighting in literature is boring as hell, because there are no flashy scenes that depictis the actual action! Well, since these fights would be boring as hell, i've just decided to skip all of them and get to the point where the fountains are getting sealed. No, wait, I was just joking; please don't actually skip them, that's a horrible writing mistake ;(
Fortunately for you, there's actually quite a lot of plotpoints to be written about here. Yeah, you're right; we were writing about Gothfield trying to steal Knife Girl's genderfluid, but then something happened and for some reason completely forgot about it..
Anyway, our heroes and Luna were running across the deformed moccasin prairie, not really being able to take their time to appreciate the sheer amount of moccasins present. The moccasins felt upset that the heroes did not notice them, and started kicking the heroes so that they would finally become noticed. But given the fact that they were just moccasins, they didn't do much damage, and our heroes were able to pacify them easily. But this costed them precious seconds that they could be using to kick the knight's ass instead, so they doubled their speed to get as quick as possible to the epicenter of The Roaring. But they were then stopped by Big Moccasin Billy, who was annoyed at the fact that they were completely ignored by our characters while they ran towards a Titan. "STOP!!!!", yelled Big Moccasin Billy, in an attempt to finally be noticed by the three heroes plus Luna. And Big Moccasin Billy did get noticed, but Susie found them annoying so they were just challenged to a battle instead.
Luna used kicking Big Moccasin Billy in the balls... it was NOT effective, because moccasins don't have balls!
Ralsei used Revert to DR Battle Mechanics... but it failed because it has terrible accuracy (75%)!
Big Moccasin Billy used Kicking Ralsei in the Balls, which was very effective.
Big Moccasin Billy had now crossed the line by kicking someone as humble and kind as Ralsei in his testicles, which made his friends Susie and Kris to become incredibly angry and start attacking Billy with much more strength and precision.
Susie used Focus Blast... but Big Moccasin Billy avoided the attack!
Big Moccasin Billy was an incredibly tough adversary, and it would require a ton of effort and time to deafeat him, effort and time they did not have because they still needed to fight against the Titans and the Knight; this meant that the heroes needed to come up with a plan that could end the fight quickier. This was when they noticed that Big Moccasin Billy's existence was dependent on one specific IP address being able to edit Uncyclopedia, since their entire character was based on that. Big Moccasin Billy realized that they knew his weakness, so he used ''Running away. But Kris has the ability "Shadow Tag", so Big Moccasin Billy couldn't run away. "Oh no, you have found my only weakness!", yelled Big Moccasin Billy ; "please, I beg you, don't tell an admin to ban my IP; I'll do anything for you!". But Luna didn't want any help from Big Moccasin Billy since they were weak, so she put them on Ban Patrol instead."The hell you mean I'm weak; I've been able to get through your strongest attacks and I've repeatedly kicked your ass throughout this battle", yelled once again Billy; "besides, when I say I'd do anything, I mean ANYTHING, but please don't ban me please please ;(". But Billy was then hit with the earth-shattering revelation that they are, in fact, weak, and they just got lucky when they hit Ralsei. "Nooooooooo, it can't be!", yelled Big Moccasin Billy; "I was sure I was the strongest moccasin of the all; there's a reason I call myself Big Moccasin Billy!!! "
Just as Luna was about to explain to Big Moccasin Billy why exactly they were weak, an Uncyclopedia admin named then checked ban patrol and banned Big Moccasin Billy, also known as 202.92.132.251. But then a different Alula came into scene; she was being attacked by a pair of angry Moccasin , and she needed help from our heroes! So, uhhh... i guess our heroes fought off the pair of angry Moccasin? why are you saying it like it's a question? Because just got attacked by a pair of angry Moccasin, and that isn't exactly something that happens to me every day. But are not being attacked by moccasins anymore, because the three heroes plus Luna have dueled with them in a battle, and the moccasins were pacified by Ralsei!
Luna then cast the moccasin minimization spell, and luckily it seemed to work first try this time. The three heroes plus Luna quickly approached Alula, and Susie didn't hesitate to ask, "Who are you?". "I'm the girl who's currently basing at least half of her online personality on a fictional character", said Alula, not realizing that her voice gets broadcasted from above somewhere. "I'm intrigued, who's that fictional character you speak of?", asked Ralsei, apparently oblivious to the broadcasted voice. "Me, i guess...", said Alula. "Now, you're getting me confused- how can someone be real and fictional at the same time?", asked Ralsei. "I'm not sure." said Alula. "Would you join us in a quest to defeat the evil Titans?", asked Ralsei. "… Do you consider me as a person who wouldn't do anything?" replied Alula.
But before Ralsei could answer they were all interrupted by Móckasiin, who wanted to be important to the plot again create even more dark fountains. But then Móckasiin realized he had no dang clue how to create a dark fountain, so he had to approach to The Knight embarrassed and ask them how to open
=== Then, in a shocking twist, we see the return of Gothfield! ===
Gothfield had just reserved a place in the universe's most expensive restaurant to have a luxurious dinner with Knife Girl, who Gothfield was trying to impress. But suddenly, this weird beam of darkness appeared in the distance, and within five minutes the smoke from this beam hit the restaurant and caused both of them to fall asleep. When she woke up, Knife Girl wasn't in the restaurant anymore, but was now in a world full of mystery and.. darkness. But she couldn't find Knife Girl anywhere, which made her kinda distressed. Gothfield then asked herself "Would you lose?" to which she answered "Nah, I'd win", then went searching for Knife Girl. But instead she found our three heroes and Luna. Luna wasn't really happy to see Gothfield after all the ruckus the orange cat had done; but Luna now had better things to worry about as they had been trapped in a dark world, so she simply ignored Gothfield's sudden apparition. Suddenly, there was a loud crashing noise. IT WAS KAZUHA FROM GENSHIN IMPACT, WITH A STEEL CHAIR! Sadly, one of the writers (me) had no idea about Genshin Impact nor was interested in learning more about it, so Kazuha was suddenly killed in a surprising twist by a new foe that our three heroes had to face: Vergil from Devil May Cry.
But then, Vergil from Devil May Cry was forced to face a different foe: Vergil from the Divine Comedy! But Vergil from the Divine Comedy is just a poet, meaning that he has nothing to do against Vergil from Devil May Cry... That's where you're wrong, because Vergil from the Divine Comedy was actually a real person, unlike Vergil from Devil May Cry. But then Kazuha, because the current writer actually knows and is interested in Genshin Impact, gets up, and then disintegrates Vergil from the Divine Comedy using his sigma male aura. But none of the other writers know who Kazuha is, so he's sidelined in favor of the actual relevant characters of this show: Luna, John, Jon, Knife Girl, Gothfield, and of course Kris, Susie and Ralsei the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia. Anyway, to continue the story, Ojai decided to invade Moccasinia. Except this time it's happening in the Dark World, because we're still in that place for some unexplained reason. Actually, that plotpoint makes no sense, for several reasons: first, since the nations on Earth joined forces because of the attack of a planet-sized Gothfield, Moccasinia and Ojai have made a treaty to not invade eachother ever again; second, from the part of the galactic war against Gothfield onwards has all happened in space, meaning that Moccasinia and Ojai have been irrelevant to the plot for a while now. Since this whole thing turned out to be taking place in space, every character in this story died from loss of oxygen. It's already a tad late for them to die because of low oxygen; also, they're now on a Dark World, which does have oxygen, making the previous sentence non-canon. Putting all that aside, the Dark World that they were on was suddenly invaded by grues. Divine Comedy Vergil then proceeded to deal 3456943857 damage to one of the grues, killing them instantly. However, due to the fact that these are grues thereby making it impossible for Virgil to kill the grues, this created a paradox that promptly destroyed the entire universe.
At this point the Roaring was pretty much impossible to prevent without some sort of divine intervention, so Luna (who is still a god) catapulted Kris, Susie and Ralsei all the way to the dark fountain where they could seal it. Wait, how did Luna do this if the universe didn't exist anymore? I don't know, and that's not a plot point i'm willing to resolve. Hold on, when did the universe stop existing? Four sentences ago when Virgil paradoxically killed the grues. Oh crap you're right- erm- that sentence clearly is not canon because grues are, in fact, possible to be killed; what would create a paradox and destroy the universe would be to eat the grues, but Virgil didn't eat them, only slayed them, therefore the universe is kept intactsee? plothole solved.
This has gotten way more confusing now than it should have, so let's just skip ahead a couple of hours and make it even more confusing pretend like nothing ever happened. Apparently, in the two hours that we skipped, Gothfield has become insane, Luna has killed Virgil, and the Deltarune characters got killed by grues. Oh yeah, and UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 is back apparently. Maybe we should rewind back the story a bit: after Luna killed Virgil (the anime one, not the poet one), who turned out to be the Dark Knight, the darkness left his body and spread all over the land; but Gothfield used her eldritch powers to consume it, merging the darkness with the colorful genderfluid, and becoming a godess of paradox.
=== CHAOS, CHAOS! ===
The other god of paradox, Jimbo Wales, saw Gothfield as a threat and decided to invade Deltarune with Wikipedians. He also dropped the Ban Hammer 5000 (a nuclear bomb) on Moccasinia.
Wait a second, when did Jimbo become a god? It didn't really matter as destructive heatwave was spreading upon innocent live beings and their creations, gradually turning them into ruins. Except for live beings, their flesh got burnt off of their bones. This heatwave overloaded the universe with chaos, ticking the "reset universe" meter so far it hit the 32-bit integer limit, so the universe is now going to reset in -2147483648 seconds. "Nooooooooooooo!", shouted Luna; and in her last breath, she used her God powers to the fullest, traveling back in time exactly twenty minutes before the nuke exploded; she then catched it with her bare hands and sent it back to Jimbo, which entered into his mouth and ate it,Jimbo right now is using his god powers to be as big as a planet, just like Gothfield did sentences ago thus exploding into pieces and saving the rest of the world from imminent destruction. But UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69, who still holds godhood for some reason, reversed this on the basis that anyone with god-powers can just remove the "reset universe" meter without doing fancy time-travel stuffalso she's developing a crush on Luna and thought that kissing her in the middle of an universal heatwave was gonna be the best thing ever. But Luna thought that her sending the nuke to Jimbo and then making him explode in pieces was the best thing she had ever experienced in her life, so she re-reversed UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69's revert and relived this wonderful and exciting moment once moreLuna and UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 can always kiss eachother another time, but destroying Jimbo Wales with his a nuke is something you can only do once.
So, Jimbo Wales is now dead, i guess. Everyone around the universe celebrated this; specially Oscar Wilde, who had became enemies with Jimbo after founding the Uncyclopedia. Unfortunately, since Jimbo is the god of paradox and gods can't be killed by nukes, Jimbo is still alive and more annoying than ever. He's also dead at the same time; call that a Schrodinger's Cat. Or more specifically, a Schrödinger's Wikipedian. To make things more bat fuck insane, Jimbo will be dead or alive depending on the sentence; right now, he's dead, but in the very next sentence, he could pretty much be alive.
As it turns out, having a god be dead kinda fucks with the fabric of reality, so now Jimbo's dead body is twitching in and out of existence entirely, along with the entirety of Wikipedia. The main characters and every Uncyclopedian decided that they didn't need Wikipedia, so they nuked it and left Jimbo alone because he couldn't do anything anyway. This led to Jimbo, having lost everything and being stuck in an infinite loop of dying and un-dying to give up his god status, and the massive explosion of blood that followed was big enough to be seen from the entire Milky Way galaxyYes, the Milky Way still exists somehow..This is the 100th reference :3Speaking of references, the whole "being stuck in an infinite loop of dying and un-dying" reminds me of a certain ending from a certain piece of media that is infamous for being referenced everywhere on the internet...Wasn't that just two different deaths and a nightmare about being cut open?No, the whole thing is that he's stuck in a neverending loop of endless dying: when he dies, he wakes up in a new situation where he dies again, and that is continued ad infinitum.
Inconveniently, Jimbo Wales was sent to the void because it's convenient to plot.
Jojo references aside, the Moccasin civilization proceeded to rebuild their city into what is now known as Moccasinia 2.
===HOLY SHIT THE MOCASSINS REBUILT THEIR CIVILIZATION!!!!111!!!!111ONEONEONE===
Sike!
Hold on, you can't just say "sike" like that!
BULLSHIT, I BET YOU COULD SUCK A GOLFBALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE! And yes, i can just say "sike" like that.
===BULLSHIT, THE PREVIOUS SECTION WAS TOO FUCKING SHORT!===
STOP SHOUTING AT ME!
NO.
Suddenly, INGSOC again. But this time Winston Smith was prepared, and managed to escape from their grasp with Julia to pursue their illegal love life. Inconveniently, Lawrence of Arabia. Conveniently, the Ottowoman Empire. Inconveniently, Lawrence of Arabia became also became the Ottoman Empire. But this put him at a huge disadvantage, as now he was extremely unstable as well as interested in genociding Armenians for some reason. Conveniently, when Lawrence of Arabia tried to invade Israel, Lawrence conveniently died just hours before he was supposed to wage a war in Israel (where the fuck is Luna?). This gave the Ottowoman Empire enough time to summon a bunch of Luna clones, just because they can. They invaded Israel, and Luna used the Retard Stick to make every one of them a mindless idiot blabbering dinosaur noises. But Luna can't do that because the Retard Stick is from several universal resets ago, meaning that she was just aiming a regular wooden stick at them while reciting weird phrases that barely seem to be latin; thus, she ironically ended being the one looking like a mindless idiot blabbering dinosaur noises. Then she tried to call AZATHOTH, but He dwelt in the incomprehensible place known as Outside Uncyclopedia.
Meanwhile, the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia was on a sojourn in Canada. He ruled a morally corrupt nation of Mocassins, and he waged constant war in Outside Uncyclopedia (or rather at the borders, this would require a very long explanation of Outside Uncyclopedia). But a Himalayan monk noticed this injustice committed towards the Outside Uncyclopedians, and decided to send a yak to "occupy" him. But thankfully for the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, he had a moccasin that he could use to beat that yak. But now he had bigger issues, since the yak was filled with nitroglycerin, which means a massive explosion is about to happen next to our royal moccasin fraudster. Mightily inconvenient, the yak was in Outside Uncyclopedia, and due to the eldritch nature of Outside Uncyclopedia, the Moccassins could charge in but they would go insane quickly.
Something to note about these Moccassins is that they're NOT moccasins, despite the similar name.
===The Wrath of the Moccassins===
Lawrence of Arabia did something, I'm almost sure of it but we have no reliable sources to prove that Lawrence did something. Except Kazuha from Genshin Impact, because he somehow survived all the shit that happened to him last section, and now he's compliling evidence against him. But Kazuha from Genshin Impact doesn't exist in this universe, which is the only reason for said survival, as people can't die if they don't exist in the first place. Lawrence of Arabia had a stepsister, and his stepsister did something so horrible that I would be ordered to be terminated and that my termination would never exist if I described it.
Lawrence of Arabia now killed his stepsister for doing it. But to his surprise, Lawrence of Arabia's step-sister was a catgirl, meaning that she still had 8 lives yet. For all of Lawrence's terrorizing and waging war in Arabia, he was sentenced to death for inconvencing his stepsister. And also murder, but that should go without saying.
In the beginning of time, there Chronarian made Uncyclopedia. But when he was gonna leap into your mom's vagina, he saw Lawrence of Arabia's stepsister kiss another woman, and said "damn, that's kinda gay". Lawrence of Arabia was disgusted by his stepsister, so he went to his step-mom and said "muh stepsistuh is lehsbeeuhn; she kissith another woman!". But to Lawrence's dismay his mom was also a lesbian, so she didn't really care that her daughter was kissing other women. Lawrence now set out on the quest to find one girl who has a crush on him. But Luna couldn't allow for this to happen, so she secretly made him both aromantic and asexual without telling him, making his quest redundant as he couldn't fall in love with anyone anymore. As Lawrence existed before the beginning of creation, he went to Outside Uncyclopedia and there his aromanticism and asexuality was rendered impotent. But this only worked in Outside Uncyclopedia, and there's unfortunately not a single straight woman in Outside Uncyclopedia. so Lawrence now went to the place now as Beyond Outside Uncyclopedia. But upon arriving here, Lawrence discovered two horrendous truths for him: first, he didn't exsit since the beggining of time, as that had happened a long time ago, and what he lived was actually a reenactment of the beggining of time, which was played only two seconds ago; and second, in Beyond Outside Uncyclopedia there wasn't even people he could fall in love with him, just eldritch gods that did not have concepts such as "love" or "sexuality".
===Here comes the Convenient Device to solve Lawrence's issues and will disappear after one sentence!===
Lawrence presses the CD and it granted him "love" and disappeared 4ever. But Luna then accused Lawrence of breaking the laws of the universe (which to be fair, he was doing, the use of a Convenient Device is explicitly forbidden in the Seventeen Commandments), so she turned back time and destroyed the CD before it could ever be used by anyone. Because Luna had done this, she now came very close to resetting the universe, and we don't want that, do we? Actually, i kinda wanna do that right now...
==One Step Closer to the Void==
Time is neither cyclical nor linear, there is no beginning nor end, but there is a past and a future. But there is one thing in common with all of these, and that is the existence of moccasins. Lawrence of Arabia now tried to get rid of his stepsister, but Lawrence was the only man she knew, thus she stayed by him. But Lawrence would soon have bigger issues than his stepsister still being there, because UwU_IlikeKissingGirls_69 had now descended from the skies to kill him. Lawrence of Arabia died before Uwu_IlikeKissingGirls_69 could get to him. This unfortunately means that we no longer have a relevant plot to revolve around for this section, so instead we're gonna be writing about the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia, who somehow survived the explosive yak.
For the sake of the plot, Lawrence of Arabia faked his death and now he went into hiding. He just so happened to be hiding in Moccasinia, where the Great Lord Móckasiin of Moccasinia was ruling with a mighty fist of iron moccasins.. Lawrence now went to the nightmare of his lands, Lesbianland of whom borders to the north of Moccasinia. But he didn't know this, since the border between those two is in the middle of a desolate tundra (also known as Canada). Lawrence saw his greatest nightmare (unknowingly) in Lesbianland, and because of this, he decided to terminate himself, Full Metal Jacket-style. And so Lawrence died, or something like that. Or he would have, had not him realized mid-way through that kiling himself was a really bad idea, and decided to just close his eye to stop seeing his enemy. He was resurrected again to do one thing: to charge into battle in a cool, cinematic moment of almost-certain suicide.
Lawrence's Cool Suicide Charge
He can't be resurrected if he didn't end up dying, idiot!
===Lawrence's Even Cooler Suicide Charge===
Even though Lawrence had decided that doing a suicidal charge straight into the enemy was how he wanted to die, he hadn't decided how he was going to do this charge yet. Nevertheless, he called his Ottoman Empire forces and the Arabian Guerrillas, and they went to Constantinople, where the Golden Mocassin was being held. But when they finally got there, they saw that the Golden Moccasin was long gone. Believing that the Golden Mocassin was destroyed, they utterly annihilated Constantinople, and they continued further eastwards. The Leader of Lesbianland, named Lesbion Girlkisser, realized that Lawrence had charged their men into Constantinople (which in this universe is a city in Lesbianland apparently), and were now facing towards the capital city, Lesbiopolis; thus, she called her army of Lesbian Amazons to stop him.
"I want something down about Lt. Col. Lawrence, goddammit!" screamed him, and thus he ordered the termination of Lt. Col. Lawrence. But a question would now arise among the people who are currently reading this, and that question would be "who the hell is him?". Oh noes Them has returned, but anyways Lt. Col. Lawrence was hiding in the ashes of Troy. But he was soon forced to flee, because someone threw a thousand ships in the area.
Well, THAT just happened.
HEHEHEHEH LAWRENCE IS ALIVE YOU IDIOT; he went MIA after Constantinople though. Wait, then why did you show a GIF of him shooting himself then? Why not?
Ok, but it doesn't matter anyway, because the British Empire, tired of Lawrence's bullshit, had now found the Un-Existinator, and they promptly used it on Lawrence to make him un-existinate.
Lawrence of Arabia now actually shot himself, and is remembered in history as one of the greatest rogue Colonels. I say "one of" because Møqasÿn Rein is quite hard to beat in that field. However, despite Lawrence's suicide, the war between the Ottoman Empire and the Arabian Guerrillas against Lesbianland was still going. Lawrence's stepsister, who claimed her actions were dictated on AZATHOTH, took the throne and held Lawrence of Arabia in a near-Godlike position. Just kidding; Lawrence's stepsister hated him with passion, for she was in the side of the Lesbianlandians, as she was a lesbian herself. It sure was a mighty convenient that Lawrence had a father that hated lesbians and of whom never existed at all before in the story before we needed him in this part of the eternal war. But his father died in the 1800s because if he didn't he'd be really fucking old and die of literally anything else, regardless of how dangerous it'd be.
===The Destruction of the Ottoman Empire in Arabia===
Now, after the death of Lawrence, there was no one to lead the Arabians, and they asked: "who shall lead us in suicidal charges?" "Oh, i know", said one of the Arabians, "what if we get Luna to lead us?"
"But she is lesbian! She shall deliver us into the Lesbianlandians!" objected another. "Then maybe we could seek help from that other guy, you know, the one that's the leader of the country that's next to Lesbianlandia, the one with all those shoes; that country probably has some kind of conflict with the Lesbianladians, as countries that are next to each other usually have", suggested another another.
Thus the Moccassins, using the Golden Moccasin (they have retrieved it long before Constantinople was founded), defeated Lesbianland, and Lawrence's Stepsister was killed by the sheer glory of the Golden Moccassin. But Luna got so pissed off at this that she nearly exterminated the Arabians in return, only sparing their homophobic leader in order to resurrect Lawrence's stepsister and kiss her in front of him.
Thus another period of restlessness, and it was in this that many people began to go chaotic, and many more longed for Lawrence of Arabia. But Lawrence wasn't able to return, because he was hit by the Un-Existinator, which means he never actually existed at all. The Arabians, in anger against Luna, struck the Ottomans and waged years of 10 in there, and they bombed Ottoman Empire into utter oblivion.
Hey wait a second, didn't Luna exterminate all but one of the Arabians a couple of sentences ago? There existed some secret Arabians. Ok then..? The Secret Arabians lived in the mythical land of Secret Arabia (I know I'm really good at making names), a place which location is only known to them and no one else; those have tried to find this mythical land have met with a fate worse than death, and their bodies were never found. This place is so secret that Luna, who literally has god-powers, didn’t even know about this place. Now, the Ottoman's youth fled either Westward or Eastward, to avoid the wars of their fathers. Several of them were secretly lesbians, which severely angered their fathers, as lesbians were the sole population of Lesbianland, the great enemy of all Ottomans (they had forgotten by now why they were fighting against them, yet they did not care, for war is all they've learned to do in this hollow land). The Ottomans both went east and west they therefore destroyed the Ottoman/\. The Ottomans were then destroyed by a combined army of lesbians and Armenians. Since that moment, the rest of humanity lived with concern and sadness, knowing that current world order is coming to an end. But now the Newer World Order (not to be confused with the New World Order) was approaching quickly, and it would end up being dominated by a brewing conflict between the two neighboring superstates of Moccasinia and Lesbianland.
===The Wars against Lesbianland===
Now, it came it pass that the Ottoman's destruction had left a bunch of unattended land, and both Moccasinia and Lesbianland were keen on getting that land. It was a war that put the mightiness and awesomeness of the moccasins against the fierceness and sexiness of the lesbians.
After spending about 10 minutes dicking around with the Moccasims, the Mocassins charged into battle, Lawrence-style, into Lesbianland.
The Lesbianlandians saw this, and the AirCav was launched. The Moccasinians had no time to keep wondering why there were so many impostors of their culture; as soon as they saw the AirCav coming towards them, they could only focus in one thing: run like hell! But the Mocassins then remembered that they were Mocassins, and so they destroyed the AirCav like it was nothing. But then the AirCav remembered that they were made by lesbians, meaning that they had too much plot relevance to be simply destroyed, so they strafed the Mocassins and hit Móckasiin's palace instead. But then it turns out that the AirCav ran on Wifi, and the Mocassins destroyed all the wifi in Lesbianland, thus the helicopters didn't work. In reality, the reason it doesn't work is that the moccasins had as much plot relevance -if not more- as the lesbians, meaning that this was a fight between a unstoppable force and an immovable object. But we need a cool war story after spending about 3 chapters with a rogue Colonel waging war! And we sure are going to have a war story; in fact, it'll probably be as long as the Hundred Years' War...
Anyways the Lord Mocassin now came to the entrenched lands of Lesbianland, and to which he said: "Let us go now, and swiftly bomb the cities!" "...with bomb moccasins!", continued the phrase the leader of Moccasinia, the Great Lord Móckasiin, who was sometimes confused with the lesser Moccasinian aristocrat, Lord Mocassin. Lesbianland had robbed itself of all color, and the smell of napalm and mortars and turrets dotted the land as they pounded away at the city of Lesbiopolis. But this didn't hurt them at all, since Lesbianland had pulled an Albania and built a couple thousand million bunkers across the country that they hid their entire populace in. No, it was one giant 10-km long bunker that extended in Arabia. Wrong, that's the land of Secret Arabia, and Lesbianland is north of Moccasinia (which in case you didn't know, is in the middle of North AmericaMap of Moccasinia).
Anyways, Lord Mocassin (the aristocrat, not the leader) shat out a 11-volume, 11,000 page novel called: My Wars in Lesbianland, and non-universal lessons for fags. This book single-handedly alienated the rest of the world from Moccasinia not only because of how homophobic it was, but also because it promoted a Moccasinian World Order, in which everyone would bow down before Big Móckasiin.
Lesbianland, after 152 days of non-stop mortars and turrets bombing it, looked no longer like a magical space Paradise where nothing goes wrong, but rather a cynical, bleak, nihilistic wasteland devoid of life. But Moccasinia had now run out of things to bomb Lesbianland with, and they couldn’t buy any more because of Móckasiin’s book, so Lesbianland was now able to do the same thing to Moccasinia as had been done to them. But Moccasinia now had tons of bunker busters, and so they started campaigns of bombing the lifeless ground for cool cinematic shots by Francis Ford Coppola.
So this war evidently wasn't going anywhere, and hadn't accomplished anything other than eradicating The Moccasims and almost the entirety of the Mocassins, so Lesbianland proposed a white peace.
===The Time of Peace===
The Great Lord Móckasiin, having set his nation's reputation back two hundred years by waging a pointless war and rambling about how much he hated lesbians, reluctantly agreed to a white peace. Suddenly, INGSOC.
However, this time of peace did not put an end to this tale; as Luna the Goddess of this world, who was to occupied with watching that the Moccasinians did not kill any Lesbianlandians (or at least as few as possible), had completly forgotten there was still an eldritch goddess of chaos known as Goregirl Gothfield freely roaming throughout the vast space, and could at any moment end this harmonious monent of peace and prosperity on Earth.
Thus she sought to meet him, and in about 2500 years (time means nothing for an omnipotent, omniscient deity) she found Goregirl Gothfield orbiting the third planet of Viaginitus on the system of sdhfskjfhshdfh in the galaxy Vodfjshgjkhsfg-IIIIII. But by this point Gothfield had lost all of her powers due to her lover Jon Arbuckle having been dead for over 2500 years, and was mostly just a big immortal goth cat floating around in space now. Luna now made the Retard Stick again, and Gothfield now became a giant spastic monster floating in space making dinosaur noises.
Warning: Universe destabilization is at 104%.
If the UD reaches 105% is self-destructs.
Warning: Universe destabilization is at 105%.
We currently have 5 more resets before the Universe Reset Function no longer functions properly.
Oh fuck.
But Luna used her god powers to bring back universe stability and avoid yet another reset. Except that doesn't work because of how destabilized the universe is right now.
===What the fuck do we do now?===
I know, and we all snort some LSD! That's not going to save the universe from imminent destruction, but ok, if you say so... <snort> I think this universe is beyond saving anyway, and we haven't actually had a universe reset in two and a half months, so i think it's about time. Didn't we just reset the Universe? No, the universe is currently resetting, and you were talking about saving the entire thing.
I don't know, I liked that we hadn't had any reset as of know; I'm starting to like these characters, and don't want them to go like that... Well we can always recreate them at some other point, but they won't remember that former universe or anything that happened in it. Shall we do it? Uhhhh, sure. Anyone else?
Counterpint: if they don't rememver the previous plotlines, they aren't the same characters, just characters that look similar to them. Yeah, but i don't care as long as they're not completely different. Fine, okay, let's reset the universe; but it better be kept un-reset for a long while...
== Universe 8.0 ==
Holy shit, we're already at the eighth iteration of this constantly-resetting universe???????? Yes, it just so happens that the seventh one lasted way too long.
In the beginning of days, there was nothing, not a single sole, not even Outside Uncyclopedia or Luna. Then, a luminous figure came out of the void, swimming through the currents of nothingness; it was the Godess of the World that was Soon to Be: Luna. Wait no, Luna isn't a goddess in this universe. The previous sentence says otherwise... Well fuck that sentence, Luna isn't a goddess anymore. Yes She is because She was the Goddess of the last universe, and She can use Her God powers to keep being God in the next universe.
But unfortanutely, she can't ever lose her God powers, ever. Fortunately she can, in fact lose her god powers forever, and that's exactly what happened. But the Gpd powers then csme back to her, saying "Luna, you can't get rid of us; you're the Chosen One".
What followed that was Luna using her own god powers to get rid of her own god powers permanently, because being the God isn't something she wants to be anymore. But then the God powers stpped Luna and said: "if you want to get rid of Us, you'll have to hold a new election, so that the New New God is chosen democratically; but you'll have to create people first to hold such election..." But Luna, technically being a dictator over her own god-powers, opted to make sure that no one would have any sort of official god-powersTM ever, and then got rid of her god-powers herself, meaning that no one's a god anymore. And it was through this act that Luna made this universe even more chaotic than the ones that preceeded it, for now, no god was in charge of keeping it in order. Luckily, we at Story Creation Inc. can present our newest invention to stop the universe from collapsing into chaos: a giant magical Blåhaj that counters the chaotic story by just existing! Hold on, wouldn't that then make the giant magical Blåhaj the god of this universe? No, because it's not sentient and only serves to keep the universe stable enough to have an actual story going on. Oh, makes sense; but right now, it has no purpose, as there is still no story going on... Can't we just start one? We could, but Luna didn't create any living beings nor scenery before getting rid of her god powers so that a story can take place... That's not necessary, we can just bring back the world that we saw at the start of Universe 1. But, then, what would have the point of so much universal resets been; if we're just going to come back to square one after all of that? Well, we had fun writing it at least, right? Yea; but, if we're going to have yet another universal reset, then it'd be more interesting if we had more creativity and not just recreate the universe we've already been through (a universe which, by the way, has already been brought back before)... Let's just have a fresh start and discontinue everything that happened in this story previously.
===ASBOSAAT Rebooted (If this gets reset too, I swear...)===
And so, there was no god ruling this new world, and there was nothing holding the world together but a non-sentient, giant magical Blåhaj; and everything happened in a string of chaos and randomness: new life appeared out of the nothing before anything else would appear, and they would have nothing to rely onto so that the living could keep living, and many would die out of this inconvenience; new matter and atoms started to appear in a hyper-active state, bouncing around all over the place; new planets and stars formed, but they weren't spherical, they had strange shapes like cubes and pointy shapes and pyramids... and one shape so incomprehensible the mere utter of its name drives you to instant suicide. But none of this is important, because on the planet Earth, amidst all of the dull and boring events that happen there every day, something extraordinary happened. It was an Invasion of the Hot Anime Babes. But who are the Hot Anime Babes? Stuff like catgirls or those girls from the video games that get a lot of simps (the girls not the video games), or from anime. Ok, if the catgirls are invading then it doesn't sound that bad. But the Catgirls are hetereosexual, which means that Luna better use her god powers, or else all hell is gonna break loose. But Luna got rid of her own god powers permanently (as well as everyone else's), so that won't work at all. Actually, it is scientifically proven that heterosexual catgirls don't exist; therefore the part of them being heterosexual is actually propaganda invented by an evil foe who wants to put the people against the catgirls, and this evil foe is most likely the real villain of the story. The real villain of the story was the writer, the biggest plot twist in fiction! Now we just need to find out which writer it is, because there’s at least a couple dozen of them. Thankfully, I know who this evil writer is; I've been spying on this evil writer all this time, and I can safely say that the evil writer just so happens to be- <gets shot before being to type the rest of the sentence>
Anyway, the suspiciously heterosexual catgirls are now invading Earth, starting with everyone’s favorite place in the whole world: England. Such is the popularity of this place, that the people around the world is actually cheering for the totally-not-heterosexual catgirls to fight and win against the Brits.
===The War of the Worlds: Catgirl Edition===
The Catgirls lay immediate siege to London's countryside, and Big Brother Prime Minister dealt with the situation by calling for a napalm strike. Unfortunately, this proved to cause more harm to the Londoners than to the Catgirls since Catgirls are apparently immune to napalm and the Londoners ended up dying instead of the Catgirls. The Catgirls, who laughed so hard, ended up dying since they couldn't take a breather from laughing. But apparently, Catgirls have a special ability to regenerate themselves when they die. God, who had taken a very long vacation, came back and binded the Catgirls in an eternal death cycle in another dimension. Satan, however, did some mischief by freeing the Catgirls from the eternal death cycle, freeing them from the other dimension, and letting them roam London again. Satan and the Catgirls were now locked in an eternal death cycle in Outside Uncyclopedia, where they would all kill each other over and over again. The story-eating cat from A story built one image at a time comes and decides to eat this story, leaving only this:
The Evil Writer was basically a collection of dickheads who all wrote the story as they saw fit; for they dwelt in a place known as Beyond Outside Outside Outside Beyond Uncyclopedia, and there they dictated the story, leaving only a deterministic nightmare that plotted the suffering of all characters in this story.
"Wait a minute!", said one of the non-evil writers, "something is not right here: it has already been stated that this universe has no God, so God couldn't have came back from vacation if there is no God to begin with; and neither can there be a Satan if there is no God to be against!" Thus the Writers, including the 12 Dickhead Writers, held a vote to select which character should be God. Wait a minute, how is this possible if four sentences ago the story-eating cat from ASBOIAAT ate this story? Also, it's been stated that Luna got rid of the god powers so that no god would rule this universe, therefore god elections wouldn't work because no one can be god in this universe anymore...So I guess earth is doomed to the Catgirls. You're making it sound like that's a bad thing :3. It is >:l No it isn't :3
Because the authors don't seem to be able to reach to a mutual decision and contradicted themselves twice (first by saying "god came back" after stating there was no god; second by saying the cat ate the story and then continuing with the story), any contradiction that has been made until this point will be deemed a product of the evil writer and therefore not canon; this means that neither has the story been eaten by the story-eating cat, nor is god or satan characters in this story. But one character that definitely is part of the story is Luna. Who, by the way, is the Commander of the Catgirls and the one who decided to invade England, as she is a catgirl herself. It's actually kinda good that she doesn't have god-powers anymore, because if she did that'd make the entire invasion incredibly boring. The Catgirls conquered England and renamed it Catgirltopia. This relieved the rest of the world from the cruelty of the English nation, that unfortunately had cursed them all with their mere existence.
Catgirltopia quickly became the world's most liked nation of the world, with a crime rate of 0%, clean and unpolluted cities, and a law that allowed people of all ethnicities, genders and sexualities to enjoy the wonders that only a place with a name like Catgirltopia could offer. Unfortunately it'd face heavy opposition from a South American far-right military cult known as the Aracuan Freedom Army and its leader "The Aracuan". On top of that, a group of reactionary English people who still wanted England back (for some reason) plotted against Catgirltopia; and they were followed by the malevolent, wicked witch known as... J. K. Rowling!!!!
====Book II: Catgirls against Rowling and the Moccasins====
Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute, since when were the moccasins against the catgirls? Since forever. No; this is clearly evil propaganda invented by the evil writer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While the writers were descending into mindless chaos and despair, thee Catgirls now invaded the Catholic Church and renamed it the Catgirl Church. Everyone in the world cheered now that they were not controled by the evil Catholics anymore, just as they cheered with the disappearance of England. Rinse and repeat for everything and everyone except for Moccassinia. And also the Aracuan Freedom Army, Greater Ojai and Lesbianland. Hold on, that last one makes no sense; Lesbianland has to be a supporter of Catgirltopia, considering most (if not all) Catgirls are lesbians. Oh fuck i misread that one sentence my bad. Anyways everyone died. Just kidding, only like one person died, and it has nothing to do with this plot; so let's keep watching this fight of the Aracuans and the JKRowlians against the Catgirls.
===The Wrar agaitsn teh Cwatgrirls===
The evil writer seems to have had a seizure, and has been escorted to the evil hospital effective immediately. Quick, the Evil Writer is ! Well, since you've outed yourself, I guess there's no need to find who the Evil Writer is anymore -now let's get back to the plot real quick, shall we? Just a quick tangent, didn't I say that there was 12 people collectively identified as the evil writer? Quick, before I get shot like the other non-evil writer, let me tell you *gets shot*.
Anyways, with the Writers bickering about each other (there about 62 writers, including the Dickhead Writers, now), the Catgirls descended into the void to try and infwssrt it within some catgierl utopoa. But the Aracuan didn't want this, so he said "SLAPPALLAPPA LAPPALLAPPA CACATONEDITUCAN" and attacked them brutally. THe Catgirls, who are heterosexal, went back to fight Lesbianland. Erm, actually, this didn't happen, because it's well established that catgirls can't be heterosexual, and also they're in the middle of a fight against an Aracuan bird, so they can't just go and attack Lesbianland like that. Meanwhile, the Catgirls suicide-charged into the Aracuan bird. This didn't actually kill anyone, but it caused the Aracuan to be hurt quite significantly, to which his response was to run away immediately. "I am Lt. Col. Gen. Sgt. Drill Instructor Mr. McNorma, and this year you will learn how to charge into battle suicidally but safely, do you MAGGOTS understand that?" But Lt. Col. Gen. Sgt. Drill Instructor Mr. McNorma isn't teaching the catgirls how to do this, but the US army, to which all of the conscripts said "no". "Fine, you maggots, it seems that I have to teach you, through Mean Drill Instructor mode!"
It turns out that "Mean Drill Instructor mode" is McNorma's way of saying "i'm gonna take some time off work to see my boyfriend".
"Because I am hard, you will not like me! And because I am hard, I will have hot gay sex with my boyfriend! And also by that, whenever I do, you shall be graduate only when you are able get pussy or dick!" That last sentence led to a public outcry against McNorma, somewhat because it completely disqualifies asexuals from graduating in this institution, but mostly because Fox News decided to be extremely homophobic (and even more homoerotic) about it. Lt. Col. Gen. Sgt. Mr. McNorma, "divinely inspired", decided to write The Ring Testament, which was really just The Ring of the Nibelung slapped into a new testament of the Bible with the exact same story as in Nibelung. This did not win over the people who were being homophobic against him, and in fact lost him any support from more progressive people because of his plagiarism. "OH SHIT!", said Lt. Col. Gen. Sgt. Mr. McNorma, "I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO GAIN THEIR TRUST BACK!". She wrote another book, called The Gospel of Kurtz, which once again, was the plot of Apocalypse Now slapped into its own testament, but Richard Wagner burned manuscripts. This caused Joseph Conrad to rise up from the grave just to criticize McNorma for shamelessly ripping off the a movie that somewhat adapts his book about the horrors of the Belgian Congo. Mr. McNorma now published a full canon of "scripture" to his church:
#The Ring Testament
#Gospel of Kurtz
#Gospel of Kilgore
#Gospel of Willard
#Gospel of Cheif
#The Time Wheel Testament
#Book of Mormon
#Book of Idiots
quite a long list.
Hold on why are we making such a long paragraph on Lt. Col. Gen. Sgt. Mr. McNorma's gay version of the Bible if the plot was supposed to revolve around the Catgirls fighting The Aracuan and JK Rowling??????????
===McNorma's irrelevant writings (don't worry we'll get back to the main plot) (like thats ever gonna happen)===
Now the plot revolves around McNorma's writings. And also about the couple dozen rotten moccasins that had been thrown at her as a result of those writings.
====In an irrelevant part of the plot====
nothing happens here
==== In a relevant part of the plot ====
Something happens here
===Let's get back to the plot before my head explodes trying to understand the whole fucking timeline like seriously does time restart or does the Universe self destruct then goes back to where the moment was before the explosion===
Anyways, Lt. Col. Gen. Sgt. Mr. McNorma sent out his platoon using the eight shat out books he wrote over 3 years. But by this point no one cared about McNorma anymore, and everyone had collectively dismissed her as crazy, including the readers. BY this point, Moccassinia and Aracua had made peace with the Catgirls. But now there was a bigger issue at hand, because apparently John has been arrested by the US police for being too gay. Didn't the whole world was gay and there existed an entire nation of LGBTQ+ people? No, that nation all died of GAIDS and was invaded by the Caliphate of of Islam. Anyways, everyone died and everything was destroyed and no God ever survived and there was nothing and so this story ends and no this is not a "just kidding moment."
That is, in fact, a "just kidding moment".
And by a "just kidding moment", we mean J. K. "Just Kidding" Rowling is now enacting her plot to conquer Catgilrtopia now that they think the war is over (also everything said in the last paragraph is wrong people are still gay and alive). But there existed a problem: somewhere in the Universe there was a completely hetereosexual planet, and the Catgirls couldn't allow for that. JK Rowling was well aware of this planet thanks to a spy she had inside Catgirltopia, and knew that if she could contact with this planet, she'd form a strong ally that could wipe out the Catgirls from Earth; luckily for the Catgirls, JK Rowling had no idea which planet was, nor where it could be located. The planet in question would take 289735873458394759834758934758937458937425734587238945789324759834759374583745893758395893758934758934758932457348957 Universe Years to get from Earth to Hetereosexual Planet. In other words, it would take so long to get to that it literally doesn't matter to the story in the slightest. This means that JK Rowling has to find another weakness of the Catgirltopia regime that they can use against this regime that does not take 289735873458394759834758934758937458937425734587238945789324759834759374583745893758395893758934758934758932457348957 Universe Years to exploit it. But to do this she'd need some serious plot armor, and our primary explanation for that type of thing is gone now, replaced with a magical blåhaj. However, even though JK Rowling had no plot armor, she still had magic by her side; so she made use of her magic crystal ball to reveal the weaknesses of the Catgirls. Fuck! The weakness of Catgirls, revealed the magic ball, is that the existence of one hetereosexual within a planets' distance of Catgirls cripples them mentally. But this problem is easily solveable by just locating this heterosexual and killing them. However, Catgirls' abilities to locate things are dependent on their sanity. Their ability to locate stuff actually becomes better and better the more insane they are, but the problem with this is that they need to go insane to do that. But suddenly, the magic crystal ball revealed to her the catgirls' greatest weakness, one that did not involve any kind of heterosexual whatsoever: doggirls. Everyone died. Disregard that last sentence, it's built on lies.Source: I can literally see the events of the story happening out from my window right now. Actually, the last sentence is false.
Disregarding that last sentence, which is the one that's actually false;please wait at least for this story to become much bigger to kill off everyone on it; also if everyone dies it better be with a huge climax and not just "everyone died" and that's it now that JK Rowling knew about catgirls' weakness, all she needed to do was find out where did these "doggirls" were. But she was unable to do that, because the black mold growing in her apartment told her to tranvsvestigate random athletes instead. So it was up to The Aracuan, who was spying on her all this time, to fibd out where these "doggirls" lived. The doggirls lived near Hetereosexual Planet. I say "lived" because they got tired of living near that place, and decided to push the Heterosexual Planet out of their solar system entirely. They pushed it with such force, it moved to an entirety different galaxy; such is the reason it takes now 289735873458394759834758934758937458937425734587238945789324759834759374583745893758395893758934758934758932457348957 universe years to travel to Heterosexual Planet. But let's forget about the Heterosexual Planet for a second, just because of the sheer amount of time it'd take to travel to it from anywhere, and actually continue the story, ok? Ok, we will not keep talking of the Heterosexual Planet and how it takes 289735873458394759834758934758937458937425734587238945789324759834759374583745893758395893758934758934758932457348957 universe years to get there.
=== The actual story (the catgirls vs. J.K. Rowling) ===
The Aracuan (who was plotting against the Catgirls in the place of JK Rowling, as she was still too busy transvestigating people who weren't even trans in the first place) quickly funded a communist space traveling agency that would partake the job of finding where the Doggirls live. Unfortunately the travelling agency scammed the Aracuan for all of his money and fled to somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy. But the space agency forgot they had been funded by the communist government of the Aracuan regime, so the moment they tried to leave Earth, they were captured by the Aracuanian Police and got put in the gulag. Also the money they stole was stolen by the Great Lord Móckasiin, because he needed it to fund his evil scheme (killing John and Dave). In the Name of Allah, the Most Compassionate, Most Merciful. Hold on, neither the Great Lord Móckasiin, John or Dave have yet appeared as relevant characters in this plot, so the previous sentence from the previous sentence makes no sense (neither does the previous sentence makes sense, as it has already been established this universe lacks a god, therefore the word "Allah" is here devoid of meaning). I know, but now all three of them are in this story, just not as relevant characters (and Allah isn't part of the story at all, because there isn't a single god left anymore).
Because The Aracuan's space mission was a failure, he had no other choice but to seek help from another country that already had a successful space agency; however, this was a risky mission, as no country would help The Aracuan if they ever found what he wanted to use said space agency for (after all, every country on Earth was on the side of the Catgirls after they took out England). It sure was a mighty convenience that the planet next door, Mars, had a space launcher (btw, a Universe year is 1 billion earth years). It sure was also a mighty inconvenience that it was literally two Universe years old, and probably not anywhere near operational anymore.
Oh noes, the Evil Writer is back, anyways... Oh yees, the Evil Writer is gone, anyways...
The Commie Regime of Slappallappa (also known as the place The Aracuan is leader of) tried to reach out for the People's Republic of Greater Ojai (also known as the place The OPOSSUM is leader of), which was another communist nation and, thus, one that would be more than happy to help a fellow communist dictatorship republic. The Aracuan, having no support from anyone else in the whole world and himself having been declared a wanted bird by the Interpol gladly accepted OPOSSUM's support. But The Aracuan had to be careful of never revealing what the motives behind this space expedition was, for even OPOSSUM was supportive of the Catgirls (not because OPOSSUM liked catgirls, but because he hated the brits that much).
The Slappallappians were allowed to use the Ojaian Hyper-Space Hydronautical Interstellar Transportation (OH-SHIT), a renowned piece of Ojaian craftmanship. It was a small, magical ring, that teleported everyone automatially to whereever they desired. But in this case "small" means "5x5x2 cubic meters". But in that meaning, 5x5x2=offended{true}.run{correct-think.exe}. Sorry, I'm not a 1337 H4X0R, so I have no fucking idea what that last sentence meant. It means M O C A S S I N
When in doubt, trust the moccasins.
M O C C A S I N</big</big</big</big</big</big</big</big</big</big</big</big</big</big
Can we make at least a single paragraph where we maintain a continued consistency within the story and not derail the plot into nonsensical rambling every two seconds?
===Derailing the plot into nonsensical rambling every two seconds is not allowed!===
The Catgirls, tired of having their spaceships crash, decide to make a giant, 240km-long Catgirl spaceship called Citty-board 1. Although this Citty-board 1 was impressive on the outside, due to the sabotage of outside elements who disliked catgirls, it was just as crashable as the other spaceships. It ran on the disruption of the sotry
===the disruption of the sotry===
The Great Lord Móckasiin, having a fat stack of money on his hands, decided to buy cat ears to every single Moccasinian with it instead of funding his evil schemes. SUddenly, everyone was hit with Asshole University Timmie's Isolation Situation syndrome. But it turns out that everyone in the story already were autist from the beginning, so it didn't affect much. Also Móckasiin is using even more of the money he stole on... adopting 500 cats? It's very obvious that the Great Lord Móckasiin has also adopted the Catgirl lifestyle, and thus Moccasinia is becoming a great ally of Catgirltopia; which means that if a war broke out, Moccasinia would without a doubt join the Catgirls. But in the shadows of Moccasinia's capital Muohkasen, a group of more conservative, anti-catgirl aristocrats were plotting against Móckasiin because of this, and this included the feared Møqasÿn Rein. Møqasÿn Rein hated this new catgirl lifestyle so much because he feared cats would end fully replacing the moccasins, which had always been the foundation of Moccasinia; he hated catgirls so much that he was willing to be against his own son Móckasiin. Also Møqasÿn could tell that something had been off about his "son" for a couple of decades at this point, but couldn't figure out exactly what it was, and didn't have any opportunities to try finding out until now, so this was actually quite convenient for him.
Møqasÿn sent one of his fellow anti-catgirl Moccasinians to talk with JK Rowling as he knew she was also part of the opposition against the catgirls, but Rowling thought this Moccasinian was a trans person (note: the Moccasinian was not trans), so she denied helping the Moccasinians. But Møqasÿn just sent another one, and when Rowling denied that one too because she though they were trans he sent another one, and after the exact same thing happened again he sent another one, and another one... rince and repeat for about a moth. Not a month, a moth; a giant moth that JK Rowling summoned to eat the Moccasinians that Møqasÿn sent her, so Møqasÿn logically declared war on JK Rowling and her fellow witches for killing his Moccasinians, and the war on Catgirls was delayed even further. But in a shocking twist, the catgirls declared war on JK Rowling too because they don't like her (and also because Rowling has sent numerous death threats to multiple catgirl officials and celebrities in their country but that's not important apparently). This meant that, in the end, Møqasÿn partened with what he once thought was his own enemy, but now he realized JK Rowling was an even bigger threat than the Catgirls; that's how hateable JK Rowling is. Anyway, Rowling was defeated near instantly and sent to exile on the moon.
What the Catgirls didn't realize, though, is that the fight against JK Rowling was used as a distraction by The Aracuan, who had used the OH-SHIT to find the planet of the Doggirls. But the Aracuan now had to figure out how he was gonna get there, because space travel is quite difficult apparently. They already had the means of traveling with the teletransportation ring known as OH-SHIT; but they had to test it first, to avoid any possible decomposition while traveling at the speed of light.
Meanwhile, Móckasiin had turned himself into a 40-year old catboy, but he was rejected by the rest of the catboys because it's blatantly apparent to them that he's a comically evil supervillain. Móckasiin though that the problem was he didn't look enough like a twink because of his age, so he underwent a severe treatment that included fitness, a diet and surgery to look as young as possible. But after he had done all this he noticed that he'd spent the entire Moccasinian state budget on cat ears, surgery for himself and just generally goofing around, so now everyone else in the country were so poor they had to eat their own moccasins to survive. Trying to ammend this, Móckasiin asked for help to the Catgirl and Catboy nation; they accepted, but only if Móckasiin was eager to pass a test that would prove whether he truly was worthy of being a Catboy. Needless to say, he failed this test quite spectacularly. Thus he began waging a comically evil war against the Catboys that was so comically evil that the Catboys kicked him off planet earth. But he was found by a bunch of evil aliens passing by, but Móckasiin was so evil that even they didn’t want anything to do with him, so they kicked him back to Earth. But he was so evil he was sent to Comically Evil Planet, right next to Hetereosexual Planet, and no, he was so evil that the universe did not want him to slowly drift, so they fast fowarded the 289735873458394759834758934758937458937425734587238945789324759834759374583745893758395893758934758934758932457348957.5 Universe Years.
=== Tag a friend who would react to having his head in a guillotine by saying “Umm, ok.” ===
umm, ok. At that moment, Kurtz admitted that he had no friends aside from himself.
===Back to the plot before I try 2 understand what the whole fucking point of the last session was and cast me into an deep existential dread about the nature of reality===
Móckasiin was then ambushed by the Ice Age Baby and his catboy horde. But the Ice Age Baby isn't a catboy, idiot; also Móckasiin is still on the Comically Evil Planet (which is actually called Evildoofus), meaning that he was actually ambushed by a horde of comically evil villains that lived on the planet - although it is true that the Ice Age Baby is their sovereign leader and dictator. Ice Age Baby was so comically evil that he would go up to a random person and torture them for shits and giggles, just b4 dumping their body somewhere. But that's not anywhere near as bad as what Móckasiin would do (which is to torture two random people for shits and giggles just before dumping their bodies somewhere). But that is still not as bad as Ice Age Dad, who eats puppies for breakfast and tortures 3 people at a time before dumpingg their bodies somewhere. Luckily Ice Age Dad died many millenia ago, so we don't need to include him in this story. "Everyday, I am tormented by thoughts of Taylor Swift." -Rutherford B. Hayes, future ruler of this side of Catgirl Earth. But before that, we have to check up on what Luna is doing.
====Oh look, Luna's dead!====
No she isn't, she has too much plot armor to die. She's actually very alive and kicking; kicking followers of JK Rowling's witch club, that is. So are we gonna thread the plotlines in between eachother or take the Tolkien approach of dedicating many chapters to Luna, before resuming Móckasiin's adventure? Why can't we do both at the same time?
=====WHY?=====
what is the meaning of life? It is to devote your life to a religion no matter what that religion does to you and then drink kool-aid and die. And this religion is coincidentally called the moccasinic religion. Which moccasin god does this religion worship?
===Back to the plot again part III seriously does anyone think this running gag is funny or am I just a loser who has no idea what is funny plese someone help me I have no idea what is funny or not; or; how the Comically Evil planet got its shit together and genocided the Catgirls===
Wait, the Comically Evil planet did WHAT?! All catgirls are genocided, are you shocked this is happening? Yes, because no one wrote about this at all earlier. This is because it did NOT happen, it's all propaganda spewed by JK Rowling's witch club to make people believe they have won this battle (when they, in fact, did not)! Oh okay, i got worried there for a second.
"OH NOES IT TURNS OUT THAT ANOTHER PLANET OF CATGIRLS ARE GETTING GENOCIDED BY THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF COMICALLY EVIL EMPIRE!!11!!!!!!!!11111ONEONEONE" - "Nazis trying to win the catgirls over to their side by making up poorly thought-out conspiracy theories about jews" - "Comically Evil Empire blaming a long dead idealogy because dafuq else were they gonna blame?" - The Comically Evil Empire wrote that too
The Jews are good. Ok then.
HOLY SHIT OSCAR WILDE IS HERE TO SAVE US FROM THE COMICALLY EVIL EMPIRE-- oh noe there he goes back to writing poems. But his half-Chinese half-brother, Neo-Confucianism Wilde is here to promote Filial Piety in all senses, and, oh yeah, to fight the comically evil empire or whatever. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Thus saith the Empire, as it faces off with Neo-confucianism Wilde and his forces of Filial Piety. Oscar Wilde annihilated Comically Evil Empire like it was another Friday morning. (In his latest poem, a scathing dissent against the Empire for which he was tortured and killed.) But then Oscar Wilde realized that he needed to gain a lot of exposure in various Uncyclopedia articles, so he promptly departed for his new job. Oscar Wilde realized that Uncyclopedia (in this incarnation anyway) did not exist, so he went to Comically Evil Planet to annihilate it. But he suddenly felt very weak, and then disintegrated into potato powder. Thus lay the seeds for Uncyclopedia. But enough about that, let's write an actual story for once.
====Neo-Confucianism Wilde vs. the Comically Evil Empire====
Neo-confucianism Wilde appeared unscathed by his battle with the Army of the Sun Emperor of the Comically Evil Empire. STUPID LITTLE BEAUTIFUL FUCKING HORSESHIT
Okay I've been absent in this story for a bit and when I came back I had no fucking idea what I was reading so I'm just gonna pretend those last sentences never happened and revert the story back to the Aracuan fighting the Catgirls plot, when it still was a somewhat coherent story.
STUPID LITTLE BEAUTIFUL FUCKING HORSESHIT. The past 2 sentences are false, Oscar Wilde's brother Neo-Confucianism Wilde is making his way to the Imperial Palace of the Sun Emperor of the Comically Evil Empire (the emperor who is also known as The Annoying Orange).
Also please ignore the last nonsensical sentence or any nonsensical sentence that might come after this; in only a couple of seconds, we'll leave whatever is happening on Comically Evil Planet to go back to the original Catgirl plotline.
===Back to the much better Catgirl plotline===
The Aracuan sadly had not found the Doggirl planet as he so desired, but he had found instead the location of a much greater weapon: the UN-EXISTINATOR.
"HOLY SHIT THE CATGIRLS ARE ALL EXTINCT AFTER SEVERAL BILLIOB BILLION BILLION BILLLION BILLION YEARS YEAH THATS Right, be BUTTHURT!" - The Aracuan though to himself; but sadly ha was celebrating too early, as he still hadn't got himself the UN-EXISTINATOR. SUddenly, like a Convenient timing device, the UN-EXISTINATOR dropped rightt on the Aracuan himself. And with it dropped ʔK'âʞДe, who had been spending too much time being imprisoned on the Moccan planet and being forced to learn the Moccan language. ʔK'âʞДe, who was shocked at this sudden change of location, started blasting his UN-EXISTINATOR, making several things abd people around The Aracuan stop existing. RutherFord B. "Everyday I am tormented by thoughts of Taylor Swift" Hayes tried to get the UN-EXISTINATOR from ʔK'âʞДe. But he wasn't able to do that, because he was tormented by thoughts of Taylor Swift. He was so tormented by Taylor Swift that he had tried watching snuff films using the UN-EXISTINATOR (the other one). The only thing that could save him from this torment would be the UN-EXISTINATOR (not to be confused with the other two UN-EXISTINATORs). Thus, he shot himself, in Lawrence.gif.gif style. Thankfully he wasn't an important character, so his death doesn't really matter.
====HOLY SHIT RUTHERFORD B. HAYES IS ACTUALLY AN REALLY IMPORTANT CHARACTER====
He is so important, that the whole existence of the story now rests on his survival.
====No he fucking isn't (also you just wrote two sentences that's against the rules)====
This is stupid. I agree.
===Anyways===
The Aracuan really wanted the UN-EXISTINATOR, but he just couldn't take it from ʔK'âʞДe's hands, as the alien was still shooting all around the room, and trying to get it would probably end in The Aracuan getting shot and, thus, stopping existing. But ʔK'âʞДe wasn't exactly careful with where he was shooting, so it accidentally shot its own foot, causing the foot to disappear. Thus he tripped over and lost the UN-EXISTINIATOR. Then the UN-EXISTINATOR shot its last shot and managed to hit itself, so now there's one less UN-EXISTINATOR. "You maggots!" said the Aracuan; "why dafuq would you trust this to a psycho?!" "We didn't" said John, "that thing was in the hands of this weird alien when they both arrived, so we couldn't get a hold of it". "You little scumbag!"said the Aracuan said to John; "You had better learn how to unfuck yourself or else I will send you into the void!' "You don't hold any power over me, you stupid fucking bird" said John to the Aracuan. "You absolute piece of unwashed hog-shit; gimme 25 or so help me I will send you to the void!" said the Aracuan. But before John could answer him, the Aracuan was himself sent to the void by ʔK'âʞДe because he was being way too loud (ʔK'âʞДe is extremely sensitive to loud sounds apparently). But ʔK'âʞДe was himself sent to the void by the Catgirls (oh fuck there here...oh the humanity...)
The Catgirls quickly earned quite the positive reputation for themselves.
Speaking of the Catgirls, Commander Catgirl Luna was now leading her catgirl soldiers against JK Rowling's witch club, who were once again causing mischief in Catgirltopia. Rowling had at this point completely devolved into an eldritch being covered in black mold, sending extreme amounts of transphobic psychic power out throughout the English Catgirlish countryside. J.K. Rowling was now being transphobic, and she was banished to Transphobic Planet, where everyone hated the transgender folk. Hey wait a second, wasn't there supposed to be more to this plotpoint than just "Rowling gets banished instantly"? Well, of course; Transphobic Planet was blown up by an evil scientist from Comically Evil Planet, who accidentally activated one of its many blow-up-planets laser, and J.K. Rowling was now an eldritch being floating in space; menwhile, J.K. Rowling's fellow transphobes were still raging a war against Catgirltopia (and completely losing it, of course). Ah, ok, i see.
Suddenly, J.K. Rowling died. Everyone cheered this event; but suddenly, a dark force emanated from what people thought was J.K. Rowling's dead body; it was a powerful evil witch in which J.K. Rowling had reincarnated into, and her new name was Lady Voldemort. The reincarnation involved stroking the john of every six months for 3 years. Dafuq does this have to do with dicks? Everything. Actually, that's a lie; this has nothing to do with dicks, it's about lesbian catgirls for fuck's sake; now please get back to topic and let's see if we can make a coherent story for once.
Lady Voldemort then tried to find her way back to Earth with her new witch powers, but she got lost in space because she didn't know the direction. The only way she could gat there was by space-hitchhiking, so she closed her hand and extended the thumb upward, waiting for an alien that would understand the universal hitchhiker's sign to arrive with their UFO. But unfortunately for her, the only alien that knows the road to Earth is ʔK'âʞДe, and ʔK'âʞДe is currently busy being stuck in the void. Voldemort could however, contact the void via a Psychic Translator (trademark). But she couldn't contact anyone inside the void, only the people in charge of managing the place, and they were quite inconveniently on vacation right now. Conveniently, the people running the void were returning later this day. But Voldemort didn't know that, so she left the place and decided to try finding her way on her own instead. Voldemort now knew this because she read this story. But this was a different person named "Voldemort", as Lady Voldemort was a character within this story and didn't have enouth self-awareness to break the fourth wall (and never will, because JK Rowling is too dumb to have self-awareness); all Lady Voldemort could do now is find an alien that would at least bring her to the Solar System, and then travel floating to Earth by herself.
Eventually, after spending most of the remaining uinverse' lifetime, Lady Voldemort got back 2 earf. She also made it back to earth, with the 2 earf in her pocket. She decided to send all Catgirls to the void. But when she arrived, she found out that everyoneexcept Luna had been dead for billions of years already (including the rest of the catgirls), and the Earth had become extremely inhospitable due to the sun dying. Hurrah, the catgirls are ended! ...i'm sorry to disappoint you, but your unjustified celebration isn't entirely accurate; you see, if you had just read the reference i added to that sentence, you would know that Luna is alive and (somehow) still living on the by now completely frozen Earth. But it doesn't matter, the rest of the catgirls are DEAD, Luna is the last one!! Yeah, uh, they all died of old age, like normal people, with Luna somehow surviving a couple dozen billion years. Much to my own distraught, it turned out that the Universe, from being several trillion years old, was about to destroy itself.
Fortanutely, the time machine would reverse all that the Catgirls had ever done. But the giant magical blåhaj, who was acting as a sort of universe stabilizer, prevented this from happening, and instead took the timeline back to right after Voldemort left the Void facility in order to roam the universe for 74 billion years.
Now we're back to a point on this story where the plot was somewhat more coherent, in the war between catgirls and the witch clubP. S.: please don't kill the catgirls, they're good peole and them dying is a bad thing not a good thing :3. The witch club was actively losing this battle by quite a large margin, which is to be expected when their leader (and by far their most competent combatant) had been catapulted into spaceDon't worry, i won't :3. But then, a new challenger appeared, one that could turn this battle upside down: it was Lord Móckasiin, who had felt betrayed by the catboys for not accepting him, and thus he became once again an enemy for the catgirlsI know you won't kill the catgirls, but there are other writers that are rooting for the catgirls to die, and that makes me sad :[!!!!!! But he wasn't a massive threat, as Møqasÿn Rein had kicked him out of power earlier, so now he needed a new force to support himWe don't necessarily have to comply with these other writers :3c.Regardless, the timeline was sent back to several million years before the catgirls. The previous sentence has no coherence with the rest of the paragraph, therefore the giant magical blajah deems it uncanon to keep the estability of the plot -and thus, the universe. Community note: The magical blåhaj can't deem this by itself, as it isn't sentient: instead it measures all changes against how destabilizing it would be to the story, and sending the timeline back several million years went way past the threshold for story destabilization.Also, :3
Lord Móckasiin had to find a new ally, as Moccasinia wasn't with him anymore; thankfully for him, he had heard before that The Aracuan was for some reason against the catgirls too... But he was rejected by the Aracuan, because this bird apparently hates catboys too, and Móckasiin is still a catboy by his logic. "That's not true", said Móckasiin, "I was rejected by the catboys, which is why I plan on getting my revenge on them; but my so-called father discovered my dark truth and now won't let me rule Moccasinia, so I need your help and your army to lead a war against the catpeople!". But the Aracuan still considers Móckasiin a catboy, so he's probably not gonna be of any help.
Thus, Móckasiin was deemed to evil for the catboys to be accepted as one, yet too cute for the Aracuan to be accepted as an anti-catboy; upset by his accursed fate, Móckasiin left to the only place he still could habe a chance to be accepted: JK Rowling's witch club.
===HOLY SHIT Móckasiin IS NOW PART OF THE J.K. ROWLING BUTTHURT CLUB===
Please forgive us for the headline, it was taken from a Finnish tabloid news site run by an OPOSSUM and then translated to English using an OPOSSUM translator.
Speaking of OPOSSUMs; the leader of Greater Ojai, the Great OPPOSUM, has just been told by one of his henchmen that The Aracuan is trying to defeat the catgirls; the Great OPPOSUM, who is in side of the catgirls for having defeated the great evil known as England, has cut his ties with The Aracuan and his army for such atrocity. The Aracuan, in return, denounces OPOSSUM along with the nation of Greater Ojai as being "false communists" and "capitalist bootlickers". OPPOSUM then denounces that The Aracuan is the only false communist here, as he was willing to defeat the army that had brought to an end the English monarchy, which was one of the greatest evils that stepped down the proletariat. BBBBBBBBBut suddenly, the Aracuan's English army died. Not that this matters, of course, because the Aracuan never had an English army, but rather a rebel army in the middle of the Amazon rainforest actively fighting against multiple nations for control over the place. SSSSSSSSSSuddenly, the Amazon rainforest disappeared. No it didn't. "Yes it did!", exclaimed one of The Aracuan's soldiers; "I was there walking down the Amazon to get some water, when the rainforest dissapeared out of nowhere! I swear I'm not kidding, captain! You have to check it out for yourself!". Thus, realizing that the Aracuan's army is in the forest, the Aracuan ran to get the soldiers dafuq out of there b4 they disppear. But it is futile, the rainforest and (almost) everything in it is gone, leaving farmland, a fire and some worms (the worms will be important later) and throwing the earth into chaos. If you're wondering why the magical blåhaj hasn't changed this, it's because this was already starting to happen before the story even started, and the plot just made the entire process quicker. oh ok guess ill pack my stuff now. The worms had eaten the corpse of a moccasin snake and were imbued with Moccasin powers. 
That sure is bad, but HOLY SHIT WORMS ATE THE CORPSE OF A RANDOM DINOSAUr!!!!11111oneoneone What does that have to do with the rest of the story? The Worms had ascended to Holy Power filling the vacancy caused when God got up from his throne to take a shit, and they were angry. But... there isn't a god in this universe anymore. The giant magical Blajah took notice of this incident, and prevented the worms from becoming gods, taking the worms back to Earth, where they became normal worms once again. Or did they? Yes, they did. But these were the yellow-white worms you find on Alaskan mountains, which jump around like crazy (they’re a real thing.) Also they eat moccasins regularly, so maybe it's a good idea to keep them in Alaska and not have them spread outside that place.
Returning back to the main plot; at least a quarter of The Aracuan's army has disappeared along with the Amazon Rainforest (said diappearance is still being investigated by the world's smartest scientists), meaning that the OPOSSUM has now a much bigger army that is currently kicking the butts of the Slappallappian soldiers. But OPOSSUM couldn't fully defeat them, because the storyno, actually it's just me :3 -alula decided to throw a curveball in the form of a giant mist that is only toxic to humans and OPOSSUMs straight into the battlefield. The curveball was conjured by one of the members of J.K. Rowling's witch club; for those that think that they actually managed to have a victory in their battle, it should be noted that they were trying to make something to kill catgirls, not OPPOSUMs; also witches are also humams, meaning this curveball can also kill them. And that's exactly what it did, because the winds suddenly changed completely, blowing the giant mist directly at them too. Not only did it completely wipe out JK Rowling's transphobic (and catgirlphobic) witch club, but also started killing witches and wizards from all over Europe, which alerted the International Wizard Comitee. In the subsequent Wizard Committee meeting they all agreed to punish whoever was responsible for this mist severely, but they weren't able to do that because all of them had died of the exact same mist. So the Wizard Comitee resurrected them using necromancy and then sent them to Wizard Jail. But the Wizard Committee forgot to take away their knowledge of magic, so the Rowling witch club escaped with ease. When the Wizard Commmiittteee realized the prisoners had escaped, they sent the Wizard Police to search for them, not before sending the guy who forgot to remove the witches' magic knowledge to Wizard Jail. But the Wizard Police is extremely corrupt, so they were easily bribed into blatantly ignoring the witch club entirely.
However, the Witch Club wouldn't be so lucky when the OPPOSUMs found out they were responsible for all of the recent OPPOSUM deaths. But the witch club was lucky enough to be saved by... ok i can't exactly bullshit my way out of this one, they're really screwed now. They were so screwed, in fact, that many of them ended up holding ritual suicide after ritual suicide. But because they had been resurrected with necromancy, they were half-zombies, meaning suicide didn't work on them anymore. They now banished themselves to the void. After a long time, they started a civilization in the void, which is strange because voids are utterly devoid (;)) of supplies, but somehow they did it anyway.
But not every witch from JK Rowling's club were stuck in the void: some of them had been braver to keep their lives, despite the fact they were pretty fucked for the OPPOSUMs were on their way to find out what the witches did. The rest of the witch club now tried to summon a portal to Midway Void, from which there they would walk 2 1/2 miles before encountering a door that said "Void" but they were to stupid to understand how to summon it. And also they didn't have the resources necessary to summon it either, because they decided living in a literal void was a good idea. However, they were already too late to leave to the void: Detective OPOSSUM had already knocked on the door, and was eager to put whoever killed all those OPOSSUMs in the Torture Chamber, no matter the cost.
A wild Olula appears No, no, we're not doing that; we were finally writing a somewhat coherent plot, and we're going to keep it just with the characters we already hadNothing good comes out of adding character after character with no rhyme or reason; see Homestuck for more information..
But when the Detective OPOSSUM busted the door down, he found himself falling into an endless voidGuess he didn't see the giant neon sign that said "WARNING: THIS DOOR LEADS TO THE VOID. DO NOT ENTER UNLESS YOU KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE THROUGH THE PITCH BLACK INFINITE DARKNESS.. Meaning that for once the witches actually scored a victory; but not for long, as Detective OPOSSUM Jr. came not much later to investigate the deaths of the OPOSSUMs and of his father, and this time he was more cautious of where he was stepping. He learnt that the void civilization was just a giant man made island where all the Witches lived, sustained by an Infinite Butthurt Generator. Yeah, an island in another dimension, where the void is a massive ocean that is pitch black and the island is also pitch black (and also the only living creatures in this area are the witches, which, believe it or not, aren't from this place). Learning this helped Detective OPOSSUM Jr. to understand how the witches' magic work; however, he still needs solid evidence that proves it was all the witches' fault, which is why he's came to their home. But when he arrived there he was shocked to see that their little settlement had been completely abandoned, because the witches were stuck at some exit gate trying desperately to get it to open. Detective OPOSSUM Jr. was now stuck in a moral conflict: he could either save the witches from their situation, or he could flip them the bird and let them slowly die in the void as a punishment for all the pain they had caused. His choice would ultimately not matter, because the witches eventually figured out that you can just open a door regularly, so they escaped the void perfectly easily. But they weren't aware Detective OPOSSUM Jr. was there with them, so they didn't run from him, being eventually catch up by the detective.
=== SherlOPOSSUMck Holmes Jr's epic fight with the JK Rowling witch club (preceded by a ridiculously elaborate chasing scene written in text format) ===
As it is obligatory for every comedic chase scene, the music of "Yakety Sax" -better known as the Benny Hill theme- started playing out of nowhere inside the void, which alerted the witches that they were being chased. And when they noticed that SherlOPOSSUMck Holmes Jr. was the one chasing them they knew that they were screwed, so they hastily brewed toxic gas and threw it in SherlOPOSSUMck's direction. But JK Rowling's club was utterly bad at magic, and threw at SherlOPOSSUMck Detective OPOSSUM Jr. a gigantism potion instead. This, of course, turned Detective OPOSSUM Jr.I guess we're just calling him that now. Probably because SherlOPOSSUMck is a horrible name. into a giant, which meant that there was now a giant opossum running through the streets of London. The witches, horrified by what they had done, tried to get away from there; but the giant OPOSSUM had already trapped some of them in his giant hands. The remaining three witches then briefly went into hiding, tried summoning JK Rowling to help deal with this wretched beast, and gave up when they found out that she was still alive and walking around a couple billion of lightyears away. An Olula popped into existence infront of Detective OPOSSUM Jr. followed immediately by several more Olulas and a Catopossum. This was yet another attempt by the witches to make the giant OPOSSUM go away, by scaring him hith the wretched creatures known as Olulas; but the Olulas and the Catopossum sided with the giant OPOSSUM and also started attacking the witches, causing even more problems for them. The witches summoned a giant moon to crash earth in 3 das time. But a da was, in the witches' native language, the length the universe had existed up to that point so nobody cared.
"I love the smell of boobs in the morning." The Giant OPOSSUM proclaimed these words, as he was destroying the city where the witches had hidden their home; it was once known as London, but after the catgirls had taken over, it was now known as Whiskerscity; speaking of the Catgirls, several Catgirl officers commanded by Luna herself have arrived at Whiskerscity to try to calm the Giant OPOSSUM and avoid that the destruction extends any further. The Giant OPOSSUM was suddenly sent to the void,
But the witches had let the gate between the void and our world open, so the Giant OPOSSUM had it easy to come back to our world, where he started destroying Whiskerscity once again.
HOLY SHIT THE WORLD UNIVERSE IS GOING TO BE CONSUMED BY A VOID! Not really, but there is a danger that has the potential of destroying the world- the giant OPOSSUM, that is. Suddenly, everyone who wrote the story died. Except Kazuha from Genshin Impact, he's still alive on Planet Inactive. But Kazuha from Genshin Impact isn't from this story, so nobody cared; also that sentence of every writer dying is false because I'm a writer and I'm alive. But there is some truth to it though, because as it turns out, the evil writer has suddenly suffered a stroke and been hospitalized at the Meowchester hospital. The Meowchesyer hospital was then flown away by the giant OPOSSUM, who accidentally kicked it while he was running around like crazy and trying to take off the Catgirl officers that were trying to make the OPOSSUM sleep. At this point, the only person who could stop the OPOSSUM would be Luna, and that in spite of the fact that she doesn’t have god-powers anymore. Meanwhile, the Evil Writer was sent out to the void.
Commander Catgirl Luna arrived at Whiskerscity piloting her Kitty Aircraft, and started aiming her NekoBlasters at the Giant OPOSSUM. But unfortunately someone had tampered with her NekoBlasters, so instead of shooting explosive catnip it was actively shooting Neco-arcs. The Neco-arcs started climbing on the Giant OPOSSUM and rapidly punching him and pulling his hair and shouting "jybanyaaaan!!! out loud, which drove the Giant OPOSSUM mad and started atacking the city even more violently. But the OPOSSUM had been blinded by one of the Neco-arcs, so the only thing he really did was swing his paws around aimlessly. The OPOSSUM's paws' hit a giant building and started punching it over and over again; meanwhile, the Neco-arcs were fighting against the Giant OPOSSUM more and more violently, which caused him to start being exhausted. The Giant OPOSSUM, tired of the mild annoyances of the Neco-arcs, sent himself to the void. But because he was blinded by the Neco-arcs, he couldn't find the door to the void; so he travelled to the place that most closely resembled the void: Alaska. "Terminate the Colonel's command," said noone. A passing space alien heard that nonexistant radio transmission, misunderestimated the location and landed her spaceship at N 55.353939, W 131.684321 and looked around.
Suddenly, the Giant OPOSSUM died. Suddenly, this death was reversed, along with everyone’s memories about this forgottenexcept Luna. In reality, what happened was that the Neko-arcs punched the Giant OPOSSUM so hard it made him come back again to life; and if nobody remembered his death,except Luna was because nobody noticed he had died in the first place.except Luna Also he somehow found his way from Alaska to Ojai, and no oneexcept Luna really knows how he found his way down there. Now that the Giant OPOSSUM had gone, Whiskerscity was once again safe; and so were the witches, or at least that's what they thought, as they had forgotten they had let the gates to the void open, and Detective OPOSSUM was still inside the void. Wait a second, aren’t Detective OPOSSUM and the giant OPOSSUM the same character? No, giant OPOSSUM was his son, Detective OPOSSUM Jr., who wanted to revenge the disappereance of his father; Detective OPOSSUM is the one that accidentally entered the void after trying to catch the witches, and is now on his way to use the gate to come back to his original world. Oh, ok, that still doesn't make any sense, but at least they're not literally the same character i guess. Well, Detective OPOSSUM has now exited the void, and is really angry, and he's about to hunt some witches.
Meanwhile, all the witches in the void were growing insane from existing in a non-existant place. Well, too bad, because that's what they deserve for pledging their allegiance to JK Rowling. Some of them fled the void to hide in Outside Uncyclopedia, but there they witnessed more horrifying things: they witnessed something so horrifying, so hideous, there was no word to describe Them. But who the hell is Them? HOLY SHIT THEM HAVE NOT TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOF SCAM, THEY ACTULYL EXIST!!!!!11111 Yeah, but that doesn't answer my question. THEM... is...LT COL. WALTER E. KURTZ BILL WILLIAM KILGORE BENJAMIN L. WILLARD'S MISSION.
...uhhh, ok. As much as we would like to get to know better this 'them' people, the story is very likely going to stop being set in the void soon; as the witches have also discovered that the gate between the void and their world has been left open, and are now on their way to exit the void. Even worse, JK Rowling has found herself a roadmap of the universe highways a couple billion lightyears out from here, so she's on her way to Earth again! AAAAAAAAA! Nonetheless, she still is going to take a while to arrive to Earth; and while we're eager to see the ultimate battle between the Catgirls and the evil JK Rowling, we could spend this remaining time to see what The Aracuan and his army is up to now. And they're up to... nothing! Amazing, the Aracuan is still stuck in the Amazon! Well, no... the Amazon has completely burnt down, leaving only a charred forest. Except not even that remained from the Amazon, as the rainforest had previously mysteriously disappearedwe will ever found out how? I hope so...; so now The Aracuan was stuck in a desertical hellscape with no idea on how to turn back. He was stuck in that place between realities; between heaven and hell, life and death, between Outside and Inside Uncyclopedia...known as a girl's house. That's right, the Aracuan had somehow found himself a girlfriend. But it was not a bird, it was giant indescribable Them but it was the best he could do. Unfortunately for his girlfriend, she quickly found out right after getting married through Aracua law (this law specifically states that marriages are unbreakable and requires all members of a marriage to live in the same house) that the Aracuan is a quite abusive husband. Then the Aracuan realized this was all an illusion caused by the heat from the desert; he wasn't in any mirror dimension or anything, it was just a regular desert that appeared after the Amazon was burnt; also he never had a girlfriend nor will ever get one.
Suddenly, the witches went and died in the void. Just kidding, but the void is growing, and will probably eat the entirety of Whiskercity within a couple of years if that continues. That is, unless the witches remember to close the gate to the void; but now the witches (that had already left the void) are too focused in running from a wrathful Detective OPOSSUM. But it's fortunately quite unlikely that they'll be doing that for multiple years continuously, right? Yeah; but it's also really unfortunate they have really bad memory. Ok, but does that do anything about the entire "one of the largest cities in the world is probably gonna get completely wiped off the Earth by some weird void dimension" thing? Yes, because they must close the gate between the void and their world for the void to stop growing; and if they forget they had let the gate to the void open, the city is pretty much screwed. Welp, that kinda sucks, because London Whiskercity has actually become quite nice after the catgirls took over the place. Well, it's still pretty soon to say that the city is lost; the void will take a lot of years for it to consume the whole city, and even if the witches forget to close the gate, Luna is still there to do the job the witches forgot to do. Yes, but Luna doesn't have the powers required to do that right now. Well, in that case, for the convinience of the plot, one witch remembered to go back to her house -where the gate was- and close the gate to the void; she also made sure to keep it safely locked so that nobody gets sent to the void again. But, unbeknownst to her, the Grand Wizard of Moccasinia, also known as Reboz, had spied on her for months because he's a creep, and in doing so he now knew how to send people to the void. And so, Reboz, the Grand Wizard of Moccasinia, who was tired of the constant fighting JK Rowling's Witch Club was putting up against the rest of society for no reason other than pure spite; used the void powers against them, and sent the witches to the void,this is like, the third time I think the witches are sent to the void, I think this time making sure that the witches wouldn't come back; little did Reboz know, this would anger Detective OPOSSUM even more as he wanted to kill the witches by himself. But Reboz was a horrible magician, so instead of sending the witches to the void he somehow managed to make them all extremely genderfluid, in addition to the chicken he used to test the thingOh yeah, this spell also teleports you to Fairbanks, Lesbianland for whatever reason. You might wanna ask Reboz how he managed to do that, because i don't know how you could fuck up this badly.. Because the witches were now genderfluid, they started feeling how it was like to live as the type of person they had always hated, thus realizing of their wrongdoings, and also finding a soft spot for the Catgirls, so they decided to stop their wicked ways and bury the hatchet; sadly for them, this didn't stop the Detective OPOSSUM from wanting to kill the witches for all they had doneincluding, but not limited to, sending him to the void and transforming his son into a giant mosnter...
And the Detective OPOSSUM wasn't alone in wanting to kill the witches, because the former Great Lord Móckasiin, also formerly known as Jacques Noir, and now being called Jacques BlancHe was legally required to change his name due to a copyright lawsuit being filed against him by well-known blockhead Steve Jack Black. also held a grudge against the witches. Suddenly, Møqásÿn Rein. Suddenly, Møqasÿn Rein died. Just kidding, he's now a plot relevant character. Just kidding, he's not (also he's still dead). You just got DOUBLE just kidding'd, for Møqasÿn Rein is not dead, nor a plot relevant character (at least not just yet); but seriously now, let's see what Jacques Noir Blanc is up to...
=== We now observe a Jacques Blanc in his natural environment: hunting the JK Rowling fan club (also known as the witches) ===
Jacques Blanc is not alone in this hunt, as OPOSSUM is with him too; both of them are slowly approaching the witches, quietly enough to not be heard, and arming a deadly gun, with the intention to shoot them dead. HOLY SHIT THEY FOUND THE WITCHES HOME PLANET, RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE COMICALLY EVIL PLANET WAS ONCE!! That's what they thought, but it turns out that the witches' home planet is Earth. They did find the location of these witches, who were still living somewhere in Whiskerscity after their original home was destroyed by the Giant OPOSSUM; nonetheless, Jacques and Detective OPOSSUM were eager to make sure these witches weren't living for much longer... "WHO DAFUQ SAID THAT?!" said your mom. "I did", said the sane storywriters. Sadly, there are no sane storywriters in this story, meaning that you're just hearing the voices inside your head again. Or am I? *Vsauce music* HOLY SHIT THIS STORY IS JUST THE DELUDED MENTALITY OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE MAKING UP SHIT IN THEIR FANTASY LAND!!!
...anyway, the witches decided to flee from Whiskercity now that they knew that Jacques and OPOSSUM were actively trying to hunt them down. How they had got to know this was a mystery for Jacques Blanc and Detective OPOSSUM, as they had been cautious all this time to not be spotted. Suddenly, Queer Town. Yes, that's right, but which one? The Catgirl one, duh. The Witches are going to eradicate every Queer Town in ecistnece! But they can't do that right now because OPOSSUM and Jacques Blanc are still hunting them down, and taking a break to eradicate a couple of towns isn't something they have time for. Also, didn't we establish before that the witches had also become queer and realized of their wrongdoings, or something along those lines? I don't know, i didn't read the story when that was probably written. You stupid idiots, the witches are going to destroy every Queer Town in existence because they hate them; do you understand that? Wrong, and I have evidence taken straight from the last paragraph: "But Reboz was a horrible magician, so instead of sending the witches to the void he somehow managed to make them all extremely genderfluid, [...] they started feeling how it was like to live as the type of person they had always hated, thus realizing of their wrongdoings, and also finding a soft spot for the Catgirls, so they decided to stop their wicked ways and bury the hatchet [...]"; so, as you can see, the witches don't hate queer people anymore! J.K. Rowling, was extremely angry at this, therefore she decided to Lawrence.gif.gif herself. This resulted in… quite unexpected results.
Needless to say, the witches didn't have a living figurehead to rally around anymore. Or at least, so they thought; because JK Rowling soon found that she couldn't kill herself since she had become Lady Voldemort, as whenever she died she would just rebirth into Lady Voldemort once again. THerefore she sent herself to Void 2#, a place where extra nothingness exists. But the witches still assumed that she was dead, so they decided to commit necromancy on what they thought was Rowling's dead body. But they couldn't, since they had run out of Magical Gay Shit. That's when they remembered that they don't need Magical Gay Shit to do any sort of magic, and that it's a scam made to profit off of gullible witches. But when they were performing necromancy on the corpse that they thougth was JK Rowling's, Jacques Blanc and Detective OPOSSUM arrived with their shotguns. Horrified, they stopped trying to reanimate "JK Rowling's" dead body, leaving OPOSSUM and Jacques Blanc with a half-alive, half-dead husk. To the horror of everyone on the scene, the corpse got up from its grave, and started saying "braaaains, braaaaaaaains"... it was a zombie! But it wasn't any zombie, it was the zombie of Margaret Thatcher! Holy crap, that's ten times scarier and more evil than JK Rowling! The witches won't accept her as any sort of figurehead or anything though, as she's a literal zombie (also known as a Tory). But Zombie Thatcher doesn't care, and starts running to get some brains to eat. At some point while doing this she spotted a gay communist walking on the street, and since she's still Margaret Thatcher, she cried some halfway incomprehensible stuff about communism and charged straight towards him. But Detective OPOSSUM charged the shotgun that he had loaded with the intention of shooting down witches, and started shooting down zombie presidents instead. By which he meant Ronald Reagan, who had also been turned into a zombie as a result of an entirely unrelated necromancy attempt done by a bunch of wizards in Wyoming. He was so focised on shooting down Zombie Reagan, he had completely forgot about Zombie Thatcher; thankfully, the gay communist could defend from her, and kicked her in rhe crotch in a humorous way. This humorous style kick made the witches so butthurt they followed their leader and committed collective Lawrence.gif.gif. Just kidding, they didn't have the time to do that, because they were still being chased around by John and OPOSSUM. Suddenly, your mom. She's interrupted this story to tell you to stop jerking off to straight pornography for seven hours a day.
Anyways, leaving your pornography addiction away; the witches tried to tell Jaques Blanc and Detective OPOSSUM that they had become better people and wanted forgiveness; but OPOSSUM didn't believe them, and Jaques Blanc didn't really care if the witches were evil or not, he just wanted a justification to kill someone.Jacques Blanq being Jacques Blanc's creatively named twin brother that is gonna become irrelevant until the next time someone misspells Blanc he dies. Actually I corrected my typo so your joke doesn't make sense anymore :] Oh fuck And so, the witches started running away from the witch hunters, completely forgetting about the president zombies that were also running around. Wait, Nixon has become a zombie too?! It seems that the witches' necromancy of Margaret Thatcher has spread a virus of president zombies, making not only Reagan and Nixon become zombies, but also Abraham Lincoln and George Washington; as well as Fidel Castro, to avoid this section to be monopolized by the United States.
===Before we begins the next chapterz, this zombie invasion is sponsored by Raid: Shadow Legends===
"NO!" said Luna, who really didn't want a cheap sponsorship to interrupt our lovely little story. But it was too late: the sponsor had already been mentioned, and because of the laws of this universe, it could not be undone. But these stupid laws can't prevent me from actively ignoring this sponsorship, can they? Well, I guess they can't, but will they be able to prevent you from actively ignoring the zombie's raid other sponsorship, NordVPN? Well, yes, because of today's counter-sponsor: SydVPN! Oh crap, we can't have two VPN sponsors at the same time, they're gonna kill us if they find out we're promoting two competing brands from the same market! Well, how about we don't have sponsors in this story then? But then how are we going to become filthy rich at the cost of our readers- I mean- get the money necessary to fund our story? Well, selling their user data is always an option... I thought we already did that too, though? Do it again! Okay- shoot, I think we shouldn't have written this on here, because now everyone know of our evil plans to steal their data for money...Anyways Luna had to stop this evil marketing scam b4 the Raid Shadow Legends advertisement could begin! 
Suddenly, all catgirls died. Just kidding, this was a lie started by zombie Thatcher in order to (hopefully) win support for her re-election.
Because of this, she was sent to the 11th ring of hell (there is a lost draft of Divine Comedy that has 11 rings of hell) where she would just wander the infinite maze of the Overlook Hotel 4eva. Hold on, but wasn't the hotel in hell called the Hazbin Hotel? No, that's the hotel in the Hazbin Hotel TV series. The Overlook is the one in hell, where, ironically, the Overlook has created a pocket hell in itself. Anyway, we're getting off track here.
And so, Lawrence of Arabia was called by his good friend Detective OPOSSUM to help them hunt the witches and the president zombies. There was a teensie, weency problem, Lawrence of Arabia was several hundred (possibly thousands) miles away from Detective OPOSSUM, much as he would've liked to help. Dubai, however, had a lot of flights for cheap. Don't think; just watch the silly British man outrun a bunch of angry Ottoman men set in a infinite cartoon purgatory. From then, the chase was on and on and on, just like Tom and Jerry — it lasted for very long.
====Lawrence's funny video game chase from the Ottoman Train Cavalry. Wait that's not what happened====
Much to the anger of , Lawrence did indeed have a funny video game chase from some Ottomans on a train. Buy flour. Ride of the Valkyries started playing.
Fun fact: reading any part this story has been scientifically proven to make you extremely gay instantly. It is also scientifically proven that it is impossible to make a single coherent paragraph in this story without one of the users contributing to it shifting entirely the focus of the story to complete nonsense.
im just trying to write a narrative, but holy shit, why dafuq is the fucn fact even uo there; im just tryging to writ e a story about an evil ottoman chase
Ok, but i've got to be quite honest with you here, who the fuck has ever heard of Lawrence of Arabia? I certainly know I haven't, and if it wasn't for his Wikipedia page, I would've thought he was just a fictional character specifically invented for this nonsensical story. I also know that i haven't heard of him (don't worry, i'm totally not the same gal that wrote the first one wondering who the fuck Lawrence of Arabia was).
Suddenly, Lawrence of Arabia died. Well, i don't know who that is, so i don't really care about that. Hold on, if he's just going to die like that, then why did we spend this paragraph setting up for a supposed meeting between Lawrence and Detective OPOSSUM? Because this story is written by authors who don't know how to keep the entire thing consistent, leading to some characters just randomly dying out of nowhere (includong Lawrence of Arabia, who has died at three separate occasions by now). Well, if that's how things work here, then I pull out of my ass that Lawrence of Arabia was resurrected, only to die again, just for the LOLs. And i pull out of my ass that Luna tracks down and kills the entire JK Rowling witch club, all by herself! But if you just kill them like that, then what's the plot going to be about now?
The above paragraph was just a psychedelic dream by one of the Witches as they ran to Arabia. But the sentence below this was also a psychedelic dream, except it was dreamt up by the evil writer instead of the JK Rowling-witches.
===FOr the love of God lets end the fucking witches v. catgirls plotline===
No.
===Fuck it, welcome to the "kill a random character!" section===
And the character that's randomly selected to be killed is... the evil writer! Hadn't it been established already that the evil writer died sentences ago, though? I don't know, but he somehow came back. Well, in that case, I guess their comback was short-lived... both metaphorically, and literally. Let's hope the plot doesn't just so happen to resurrect this writer within the next couple of sentences. Then again, considering this evil writer has the plot by their side, as they themselves are a writer of this very story; their resurrection might be a thing that will occur in no time.... Don't worry about it, if they get resurrected then i'll just find some new way to brutally murder them (in this story, not in real life).
However, this does not solve the fact that we've spent more time talking about nonsense than continuing the actual plot; and now I don't even know if there is an actual plot anymore, considering Luna made an asspull and killed the witches that were supposedly the focus of the plot... Well, clearly you didn't read the part of the plot where Luna killing the witches turned out to be a psychedelic dream, which in turn turned out to itself being a psychedelic dream, causing so the story to become too unstable, which caused everything past that until now to be effectively removed as the magical blåhaj rolls back the timeline to stabilize this entire thing (this also means that Lawrence of Arabia, whoever the fuck that is, is still alive). That said, let's be real for a hot second; the plot we have here is becoming a hot mess even without the part of them dying for no reason, and part of that problem is that we had a good start with the part of the catgirls fighting the witches and the aracuans, but then we didn't build upon that and instead inserted nonsense that didn't get to nowhere... That's quite honestly way more coherent than anyone should've expected from this page, because no matter how much we try to make an actual plot out of this we're probably gonna have someone try to fuck it up by adding said nonsense. Well, that's a shame; but now my question is, shall we continue with this witch hunt and president zombie part of the plot, or introduce some kind of new element that spices it up and helps get the plot rolling, instead of getting stuck in a continuous loop of nonsense?
The magical shark toy thing determined that the above sentences were derailing the time, so it rewinded time back to when OPOSSUM was hunting Witches somewhere, after the void but before his calling of Lawrence of Arabia. Wait a second, those don't destabilize the story. Thus the magical shark toy thing (sic) did not rewind the time that far; only to before Luna made an asspull and killed the witches, which contradicted the laws of this universe where asspulls are not permitted for being lazy ways to solve the plot.
Anyways, OPOSSUM determined, that as with every high-ranking rogue, the Witches' second in command took residence at the end of the Amazon River, thousands of miles away from any civilization, and surrounded by cannibal tribes. Except that isn't really true, because the end of the Amazon River is quite close to the city of Iquitos, by no means thousands of miles away from any civilization. The Witches' base was somewhere in the middle of the Amazon River, to be specific. But, unbeknownst to the witches (who all skipped geography at school) they had decided to locate their base right in the middle of Lesbianland, so they were more or less surrounded by their enemies. That's right, the Amazon River was somehow in the middle of Lesbianland. Sounds like the evil writer skipped geography class too. ok b3t 4 r34ls, th3y w3r3 n0w d34d. What? "Ok bet a reals, they were now dead" - that's what I could decypher with the 1337 translator. Ohhh, that makes sense, because i don't have one of those. Well you should; because mostly nobody outside of this Uncyclopedia uses 1337 anymore, they're incredibly cheap now, so it's the best opportunity to get one; sadly, the Skibidi Sigma translators are what people have to use now because it's what modern Internet has been infested with. Lets restore 1337 h4x0r5 language then! NO!!!1337 H4X0R5 15 G00D To be fair, 1337 speak is way better than whatever we have nowdays going on in teh Internets... Yeah, but i still can't read it! That's a fair point; thankfully, I have my handy 1337 translator -also called a 7r4nsl4t0r- to decypher any 1337-written sentence that may look like gibberish at first...W3 5h411 5t4rt wr1t1ng 1n 1337 H4X0R5 L4nGU4G3. No we shouldn't, this story should be readable to everyone without the use of a translator! why should I have to care about a bunch of normiefags
Ok, i'm banning the evil writer from this story right now. Never again would there be Witches, or people getting sent to the void after the banning; now it was gonna be a "happy" lesbian Paradise.
...where were we?
===Five detailed paragraphs of two random, irrelevant Catgirls fucking eachother that will have absolutely no bearing on the plot going foward===
Wait, i'm pretty sure that's not the part of the story we were on (if it ever happened in the first place). I mean, there were catgirls on the story already, so it wouldn't be surprising that two of them would start having lesbian sex... mmm, yeah, your so fucking hot (censored name), let me fuck ye, ahhh yeahh, *cat noises
Ok, i have a better idea: Five detailed paragraphs of Jon and Gothfield making out or something like that: Part 3!
===five detailed paragraphs of John and Gothield making out, or something like that, but their not actually kissing their fucking===
Staying true to the other two times we've done this, we are now writing at least one detailed paragraph of Jon Arbuckle and Goth Garfield having sex (if we're lucky we'll even get a second one). OH GOD IS THAT A MOUTH OR ASOMETHING MORE DISTURBING I DONT WANAN KN OW PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF THE HOLY LORD LET ME OUT OF HERE WHAT IS THAT OH GOD IS THAT A GIANT ASS TENTACLE GIIVING JON A HANDJOB OH GOD ARE THOSE BREASTS I LITERAL HAVE NOT A SINGLE FUCKING CLUE SERIOUSLY WAHT IS HAPPENIGN SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE gimme hot stuff like this. But hold on, neither Jon Arbuckle nor Gothfield/Gorefield have yet been introduced to this itineration of the story; how can there be a sex scene from two characters that from a plot perspective still don't even exist? Suddenly, Gothfield and John started existing as of this sentence's writing.
this needs to stop, or else Ben Shapiro and will make videos of this fucking. Ok, who the heck added that last one sentence? WHY IS THERE EVEN MORE MONSTERFUCKING THIS IS BEYOND ALL MY COMPREHENSION SOMEONE PLEASE LAWRENCE.GIF.GIF ME I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE WHY DID WE DO THIS SOMEONE HELP ME OH GOD IS GOTHFIELD FELLATING JON I REALLY CANT HELP IT WHY ARE THERE OTHER PEOPLE MASTURBATING TO THIS THAT IS REALLY FUCKING DISGUTSTING it is not disgusting at all.
I'm sorry, but what the fuck happened here? I'm trying to write more than one paragraph detailing the bizarre, psychedelic adventures of Gothfield and Jon fucking eachother. Yes, but... why the strikeouts? to try and make it more sexy. Ok... man, this story surely is derailing into madness, huh? You people always say that when the plot doesn't describe two lesbians and a OPOSSUM hunting witches. Yeah, because lesbians hold this barely coherent together. Also, lesbians are the best thing to have happened to this story :3
...i think we might have to destroy Earth in this story again, considering just how chaotic things have become. Do we really have to, though; specially considering that last story we did have to have at least for some time a story with an actual plot, whereas we haven't got for this story to follow any kind of plot yet? Yes, we absolutely have to, because it's probably been a week since we wrote anything that could resemble an actual plot this time. Well, if that's the case; the Magical Floating Blåhaj senses the inestability this universe has gotten into due to the lack of plot, and reacts by soft-resetting the story in a way the characters involved are not harmed or killed; thus bringing us to...
== Universe 6? 7? 8? 9? Holy crap I think I lost count ==
In the beginning of time, there was only OPOSSUM. He had been spared by the universal reset for some reason that escaped beyond him; and was now floating in a void full of nothing. Even worse, he wasn't given any god-like powers to recreate anything, so he was literally forced to float around and think about whatever crossed his mind. Of course, him being OPOSSUM, thought about bat fuck insane things such as pissing blue blood in a bottle, throwing your brain through the window, burying your best friend alive, starting a nazi zombie invasion, playing chess with the grim reaper, going at war with skeleton aliens, snorting deadly amount of crack, playing death metal in outer space, yodeling till your lungs are left empty, being chased by an angry sun with the words Ojai written on it, freezing to death on Alaska, playing Mario Kart with your eyes closed, screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!, and, of course, moccasins.Just a comment from the real OPOSSUM, that is relatively accurate to the things I think about. That was what I was aiming for, and I'm glad to see I got relatively right :B (a comment from the false OPOSDUM, a.k.a. DaniPine3) 
Shit happened. And this prompted the magical blåhaj to re-create Earth such as it had been at the start of story #1, just to give OPOSSUM something interesting to do. "Has you ever that about my responsibilities?!" said a sockasin, which appeared out of nowhere. This confused the fuck out of OPOSSUM, because he had never seen a sockasin before. So he started to beat the shit out of the sockasin.
Suddenly, a giant portal appeared, and OPOSSUM had no idea where this went so he went inside the portal, regardless of how stupid it would be. This portal ended up going to the lands of OPOSSUM's nightmares: Fairbanks, Alaska. Of course, this was a different itineration of the universe he was familiar with, meaning that there was always the possibility this version of Fairbanks, Alaska would be different to the one he had left in the past universe... But unfortunately for OPOSSUM, he has PTSD from going on vacation there, so he's not able to notice anything being different. As a result, his brain doesn't process the fact that this new Alaska somehow has a lava river in the middle of the snow, and it's rapidly approaching to OPOSSUM's feet. Also the lava is following Minecraft logic and not realistic logic, which is why it's not turning into stone at all. That was when OPOSSUM started feeling a bit hot down in his feet. Luckily OPPSSUM realized that he was also following Minecraft logic, so all he had to do was to jump up one cubic meter of solid rock and smash his head in a stone exactly two meters above him repeatedly until he stopped burning to death. Suddenly, he was in the void; no one kows why nor how. Then he died of falling through said void (somehow). Suddenly, he was next to the Crack Miser (formerly known as popular christmas actor Mr. White Christmas). Suddenly, he was in the Mojave Desert fighting off Caesar's Legion. Suddenly, he was being cruzified next to this universe's version of Jesus Christ (which here is Brian of Nazareth). Suddenly, he was burning alive in the core of the sun. Suddenly, he was freezing to death in Pluto. Then all of a sudden, he was sent back to his bedroom, and the first thing he decided to do was to patiently wait to suddenly have some more crazy stuff happen to him. But it turns out that by waiting patiently, he unconsciously accepted the cicle of suffering, thus breaking from it and achieving Nirvana- which, in this case, is not being sent to random locations anymoreor at least for now... (evil laugh) Like, the band?
Suddenly, OPOSSUM started being the most intellectual and intelligent person in all the resets ever to happened. At least, that’s what he’s been told by his family. The reality is that he had been lied to, because his intelligence has not increased even in an inch, and thus still remained to be incredibly but fuck insane; at least his cranial capacity was enough for him to make him realize he shouldn't have a family by now considering he was the only surviving member from last universe, meaning that something suspicious was going on. Suddenly, Jon and Gothfield started existing. Then everything started existing. Even....much to my happiness, the Aracuans! Only those didn't start existing. But now they started existing. But they never did. Dude, let the Aracuans have existence; they've pretty much become a staple character of the ASBOxAAT serieslong with Knife Girl, Luna, Lord Móckasiin and of course, the OPOSSUMs. Sentance goes here. Suddenly, Jews started running the banks (maybe not...?). Except it wasn't Jews, that was a typo; it was actually Jaws! Except it wasn't Jaws, it was neither Jews; it was...BlackRock: Jew Edition! Except it wasn't, and if you don't shut up about jews i'm gonna ban you. Do it. Dude, don't get so heated; you have to understand it's kind of tiring the whole 'Jew' joke, and kind of in bad taste; you haven't been like this before, why are you now? I'm not angry; I'm rather shocked on how you haven't banned me already. Well, so far you haven't done any kind of vandalism, you have contributed positively by creating new articles, and even though you have done your edgy jokes, it's not like Uncyclopedia has never been edgy before; but you've made more antisemitic jokes recently for some reason, and antisemitism ain't a really funny subject... Do you remember those days when I was vandalizing OPOSSUM's (who was it, I can't remember) user talk; do you; plus creating 'new articles' is only happening because what dafuq else am I supposed 2 do? No, I don't remember the time you vandalized OPOSSUM's talkpage, perhaps because you only did once; plus, why would you want to be banned? Didn't I do it twice; and on the second I was warded off because you people threatened to abandon. No, I still don't remember; plus, you didn't answer my second question. Can we move this to move to my talk-page before this consumes the entire story? Yea, that might be a good idea...Anyways, the Jews, tired of Jew-jokes, started shitting out banks. Then the story, tired of hearing about jews and banks and whatever, decided to ignore that they were ever included. Maybe we should do a soft reset and start again this part of the story...
===The End of All Things... NOT!===
'Tis but just the beginning of a new story; and like all beginnings, it starts with nothing- well, nothing, but a lonely OPPOSUM floating in the endless void. He had now achieved nirvana, but he, considering himself the 3rd most insane active user on Uncyclopedia, found it a little boring. He decided to create Jews and retards alike to see how they would interact with eachother. Unfortunately for the OPPOSUM, and fortunately for the existence of all things, they ended up simply pulling out Pokemon cards and started having friendly rivalries. Fortanutely, OPOSSUM was entertained when the retards started to act like advanced gorillas, entertaining Jews. Unfortunately for OPOSSUM, there were no Jews or retards with him; also, OPOSSUM did not have the ability to create, therefore all he saw was but an illusion caused by his boredom and slight loss of sanity. Fortunately, as of this sentence, the wolrd has been created and now Jews and retards exist. The last sentence was then rescinded by a rather pissed off magical shark that just wants the person writing this to shut the fuck up about jews and retards at this point. Suddenly, Jews and retards disappeared, and in their place arose the common Mexican. Dumbfounded at this new location, the Mexicans are forced to start anew by rebuilding the lake of which Mexico City used to reside. Because they were stupid, they built it inside the lake. But they took some inspiration from the Aztecs, and made a city that wouldn't sink into the ground this time. Unbenounced to anyone involved in the creation of the new universe, the Mexicans of all people were the ones to finally create peace in this world. This had happened not because they were experts at keeping the peace, but because we haven't introduced anyone to break the peace yet. But then, to the displeasure of the Mexicans, a new civilization arouse that would put an end to this blissful peace -as well as serve as the main antagonist of this story-: the British. Even worse, they were being led by Margaret Thatcher! Oh, the humanity! Luckily the Mexicans don't claim the Falkland Islands, so hopefully Thatcher will just ignore their existence and do something else. Then again, no one really owns the Falklands right now (besides the British) since Argentina doesn't exist. Well, let's just create Argentina then! Some of the Mexicans moved onto a new territory that was down the south, thus creating Argentina; however, they got really pissed the moment the British came to claim this so-called "Falklands" (which is actually called Las Malvinas), so they revolted against them. This led to what could technically be called World War 1, since it involved most of the countries (two thirds of them, in fact) that existed in the world at that point. Actually, all the countries were involved; as Mexico helped Argentina in this war, since they were pretty much family.
===Timeline of Baby's First World War 1===
Britain, picking a fight with two thirds of the world, found themselves completely outmatched, and was promptly sunk into the ocean. So much for owning one of the largest empires in history.
So, uhhhh... with Britain getting drowned instantly, is there anything more to fight over? This is boring the OPOSSUM. He was so bored that he decided to form an army and fight the Mexicans by himself just to get some entertainment. While the OPOSSUM was distracted, the magical shark from earlier snuck in and added every Italian that ever existed to this world, alive or dead, real or fiction, before also adding pineapple pizza. Unfortunately for OPOSSUM, no one cared about the pineapple being on the pizza, as this was the first pizza ever invented. Incredibly angry at the fact that these Italians didn't make any other pizza before making such disgusting dish, the OPOSSUM decided to rage war against the Italians too. Too bad the Italians don't have the same plot armor that the Mexicans do.
Suddenly, to balance things out (and to make sure that OPOSSUM wouldn't end up destroying the world), the magical blåhaj recreated Luna. However, this is not the beloved Luna of reinarcantions past, it was an evil, Gnostic version of Luna called Anul whom the Brits worshipped as a God! Thankfully, Luna was created at the same as Anul was. And, just to make sure the world wouldn't be destroyed by neither Luna or Anul, the blåhaj recreated John too. And for a time, Anul, the Dark Lord, rebelled against Luna and John; he unmade mountains and opened and closed streams; recreated Brits and French too. This is when the Brits did something they thought they'd never do; they asked the French for help. But the French were too egoestical to help them, and the Brits were very egoestical too so they felt deeply offended when the French didn't offer them help; thus a war between the French and the Brits broke out, comically going against the purpose they had been recreated for. Anul, for their egotisticalness, destroyed Britain and Europe and replaced it with Lesbian Britain and Lesbian Europe to spite the lesbianphobic French and Brits.
But Anul soon discovered something shocking: she was actually extremely homophobic, while Luna and John were not, so she couldn't tolerate her own creations at all. What Anul didn't realize is that she herself was homosexual too, and the homosexuality was a consequence of an inner hatered towards her own self, and only accepting herself would set her free; but because her ego was too big to acknowledge any of this, she was still incredibly homophobic. So now she ordered the French and the Brits to genocide all lesbians. But it turns out the French found the lesbians really hot and refused to kill them (plus the French women were secretly lesbians too), which angered both Anul and her British subjects; and thus yet another war against the British and the French broke out. This time Anul directly flooded France as an act of pure vengeance while sending out Guerrilla British Units to fight in Lesbianland and the lands surrounding it.
Meanwhile, back in South America, something very uninteresting was happening. MeeAAAnnnNNwHHHiLLeee, tHHee SttooRRrrY wAAss gETTiNNg iNTeRRuPted bYYY ALuNa, t3H wicked combination of Alun and Luna. Exceot that doesn't exist, meaning it was just Alun trying to get hold of the narrative, but in doin so she's tempting the magical blåhaj in erasing her from the story, so she should be wary of her decisions... She then made herself into a well-known porn star, willing to suck dicks and fuck anyone, male or female, who was willing to worship her. That's not called a porn star, that's called a sex god; also, Alun is still extremely homophobic, meaning that she's only willing to get it with masculine men. She wanted to do it because as we all know, Anul is sexy, cute, but most importantly, still hates Luna. Yeah okay, whatever, but this story isn't about how attractive Anul is. It's about how the Brits keep having beef with the French over idiot issues, thus stopping themselves from achieving their goals as a result of their ego; right now, for example, Lesbianland nanaged to survive Alun's tsunami, and is now kicking the butts of Brits. Alun, angered, now endeavored to undo everything Luna and John made in thos days; mostly trying to spread the Hetereosexuality Virus. Wait a second, who's Alun? The conveniently very hidden servant of Anul who never existed until Anul turned into cartoon villain mode. Unfortunately for Anul and her servant, the so-called "heterosexual virus" had been produced using Anul's genetics; meaning that it wouldn't work as Anul herself was a closeted lesbian (however her ego was too big to afmit she wasn't heterosexual); quite the opposite, her "heterosexual virus" made more people gay than there were before, thus proving to be a colossal failure.
Suddenly, Saruman. Even more suddenly, Link Twink from the Freaky Legend of Zelda.
=== Oops, all Luna anagrams! ===
As of now, the French men were at war with the English, the French women were having kinky gay sex with the lesbians from Lesbianland, the Mexicans had invaded the upper part of North America thus creating the United States and Canadawhich in this universe are Spanish-speaking, not English-speaking, and generally no ruckus was being done; this upset greatly Anul, who has decided to send their so-called subjects to go fuck themselves and make ruckus and havoc all by herself. But Anul had unknowingly sent a bunch of Selaw Obmij clones to do that instead of someone actually competent, and it turns out that these clones had no concept of sexuality, meaning that they would fuck literally any adult human they could find, which in this case is basically just each other since they were sent across uninhabited land.
Meanwhile, Luna was having kinky gay sex with French women at her home in this universe (Lesbianland, of course), whereas John was chilling at his home in this universe, which was the United Statesbecause this universe's USA was built by Mexican people, the John from this universe solely speaks Spanish, not English, which is the language of the evil English people. But John felt a little lonely, so he tried to hit on OPOSSUM, only to get rejected because OPOSSUM wasn't interested. The reason OPOSSUM wasn't interested was because this universe's John only spoke Spanish, whereas OPOSSUM was still a red-blooded American from the past universe and still spoke English, having a hard time trying to keep up with what John was saying. But OPOSSUM understood what John said to him and felt bad, so he decided to embark on a journey to find some other gay man that conveniently spoke American English (and also isn't a Selaw Obmij-clone) to pair him up with John. Thanfully for OPOSSUM, he knew exactly the place where he had would find lots of gay men; unluckily for OPOSSUM, this place was none other than France. But before he could go there, he discovered that France came to him instead, and they were led by none other than Jacques Noir! Suddenly, it turned out that Alun and Luna were two identities shared by the same person!! What does this have to do with France, OPOSSUM or Jacques? Nothing, because it was all a lie; it was but a ruse to distract OPOSSUM from his goal! This is the part the relatively coherent plot starts to fall apart! No it isn't: we're still writing about OPOSSUM's confrontation with Jacques Noir and the band of French colonists loyal to him. Suddenly, AZATHOTH came up from the void (the void is not part of time, therefore not part of universal resets) as said: "Its boring; can I kill someone?" But before anyone could answer him he was shot dead by Anul, who thought he looked a little gay. AZATHOTH, being very pissed off, deided to go back to the void and start expanding it around the universe, but thats a story for another time. And i wish him good luck with that, because the universe is simply way too big for him to succeed with that. AZATHOTH, not being a liberal and more wanting to piss-off Anul, made the void accessible to all, even lesbians. But he forgot that there were a massive amount of Selaw Obmij-clones walking around, so his void more or less became the Selaw Obmij dimension as they continued to mindlessly walk into portals to the void. Suddenly, in the void, a wild WPBS (Wet Pussy and Boob Slapper) spawned in on a stallion without his shirt on showing off his greek god physique, while donning a pair of aviators (one could say he looked like Tom Cruise), looking down upon our heros, he asked them if they were lost. He was then eaten alive by the cat that just so happens to be part of the story right now. However, it turns out that he IS the cat who was a part of the story, so he actually flipped himself inside out, revealing that he was Zeus himself, transfixed by his handsomeness and awesomeness, our heroes gapped at his 16 pack in shock, unable to move. Wait, where are the heroes? Well, they're in the next part of the story, which will be written after we deal with the story-eating cat that is literally on the side of this page.
Please ignore the story-eating cat in the right side of your screen; they do not belongvto this universe and will therefore be taken out by the Magical Flying Blajah in matter of seconds.
I'm sorry, but you cannot stay here; you're from a different universe, and you should stay there; you're not even a sentence, you're an image, ffs... Quick, grab the gun!
Actually, nobody is allowed to bring firearms and other weapons at this place, not to mention the cat has not actually done anything wrong and is being falsely accused of story-eating.
Actually, there are no rules against any sort of weapons in this story, and also that cat literally ate the story multiple times, as well as an entire forum.
No, the cat is innocent and all these claims are lies meant to frame the cat and get the cat kicked out by people who dont want the cat around.
Well, it seems the Evil Writer from last story came back somehow and now is trying to defend the cat so that it eats our entire story; thankfully I have a gun here specially created to hurt the demon that looks like a cat, thus not letting the Evil Writer get what they want.
No you didn't, because the Magical Flying Blajah has been protecting it from you all this time; also how are you in two stories at the same time, are you using time-travel or something?
Ha; that means you can't eat the story because then you'd be eating yourself!!!
Oh, it seems you are getting a bit existential there; well, while the cat gets her moment if self-awareness, why don't we keep the story going?
To conclude, the fact the cat would eat itself ought to be proof enough that the accusations are all false, not to mention all the above is the cat responding out of fear, and she really is trying to get away while she can.
Eehhh, I don't know who this guy is nor why they're trying so hard to defend the obviously culprit cat, but the cat said before that she wasn't trying to eat herself, therefore your arguments are built on a lack of knowledge about the case and thus invalid.
Pardon bad wording but meant that since the cat eating the story would also be eating herself, she'd therefore never do such a thing, hence she has been cleared of all charges.
Okay, I really have to ask, why are you defending so much a cat that is obviously culprit of eating stories and probably would eat this one as well, mister/miss mysterious IP?
Because you all are lying to frame someone innocent just cuz you want to get rid of her, hence I the mysterious come to protect the falsely accused, and with her having safely escaped your evil gun, you can continue your story.
But here's the problem: created this character and wrote her entire character arc (which consists of her literally just eating the story and occasionally something else too), and i can quite confidently say that she definitely would eat herself if she wanted to.
You know, we've been so focused in this story-eating cat argument that we forgot the story; and now that the cat seems to not be a nuisance anymore (or at least I think she isn't), why don't we continue the story before we completely forget what we were writing about?
Yeah, you're right, let's write about... actually, what were we writing about again?
===Who invited Davy Crockett here?===
Who is Davy Crockett? I'm pretty sure no one invited here anyone called "Davy Crockett"; and what does that have to do with the plot, anyways? I don't know. Please leave, Mr Crockett. I don't think there is anyone here named Davy Crockett, though, so you're telling to leave someone that has never been here to begin with. But he's right there in front of my very own eyes!
Ehhh... thanks, cat?
Anyways, this is the second story now where we've ended up just becoming a bunch of random characters talking about life. But that's boring, so let's find out whatever the hell we were originally writing about and continue that story.
===Continuing the damn story (I hope)===
During the time we wasted on weird bullshit like defending that cat the Selaw Obmij-clones had completely taken over the void. Thankfully, the void is not part of this story right now; only the Brits, the French, the Mexicans and the Lesbians from Lesbiansland are, so this event will not be of any relevance for now. What will be relevant is the current French colonization of Ojai that was mentioned at some point earlier. However, because the United States in this universe was built by the Mexicans, and Ojai is the capital city of this country; both the Mexicans from Mexico and the Mexicans from the United States waged a war against France. Eventually, the wars get so bad that all countries decide to create a union to keep peace and prevent further wars. But they only last like one second before the countries break the treaty and start raging war again. In the meantime, civilians are fed up with the wars, and oppose the violence, threatening rebellion should the leaders refuse to cease senseless killing. Except for the English, the English do love this sensless killing and violence, and both England's civilians and its leaders support keeping with the wars and spilling the blood of their enemies; this leaves the rest of the countries with a difficult choice, for they know that if they try to seek peace, the English will betray the treaty and take advantage to take over the whole world. Nevertheless, even there the younger generation has been a lot less enthusiastic about it and many groups have secretly sprang into existence to oppose the wars, many of them denounced by older strict conservative people as traitorous and have lamented the youth going corrupt. That may have been true for the younger generations in Mexico and Lesbiansland; but definitely not for the English, whose younger generations were even much more violent and dangerous than the older ones, to the pont that English babies were born already holding a gun with their hand. It would seem as though the only solution to this would be to have an army of catgirls completely take over England and teach them to not murder people different from them for once. In the end, so much money and resources get consumed by war, that eventually everyone is forced to surrender, with countries torn apart and nobody victorious, with everyone forgetting the war to focus on money and poverty. But that's bullshit, and I want to see a catgirl fight; so that didn't happen and instead we'll get to see a cool catgirl fight against the Evil England!
=== The catgirls vs. England (wait, haven't we seen this fight before?) ===
We do have seen this fight before, which once again proves the Ancient Greek theory that time is but a circle. Anyways, England. Will they make the same mistakes or strives as last time, or will they innovate?
Turns out this whole story is just the dream of someone who spent 24 hours at the computer that's a bullshit cliché, and we ain't gonna have that kind of crap here; anyways, as we were speaking of, England vs. catgirls. HOLY SHIT ENGLAND IS NAPALMING LESBIANLAND LIKE HTEY ALWAYS SHOUDLVE DOWN. No they aren't, the English insist on using exclusively muskets for some reason. Actually napalming is a very English move,if you haven't realized by now, in this universe the English also have stereotypes from the United States but they were too stupid and accidentally napalmed a territory of their own. Luckily for the English it was the Falkland Islands, but unluckily for the English the Falklands were now owned by Argentina, so they had just brought another enemy against them into a war they were currently losing. Well, to be fair, it has never been stated in this story that the English were losing... but yea, they were pretty much losing because of their incompetence. This means the catgirls will most likely take over England once again. Suddenly, everyone in England committed suicide to avoid the lesbain Catgirls. But this ended up being completely pointless, since the catgirls would've taken over England anyway. Suddenly lesbians turned Poland into Lesbian Poland. But Poland didn't exist in this universe, which means that they just created a new country out of nowhere. Suddenly, Lawrence of Poland, not Arabia, which means it is an original plot twist. Lawrence of Poland himself was indifferent to catgirls, seeing them as "just another variant of human species," but he was very, very slightly unamused with his "homeland" being "taken over" by said catgirls. So anyways back to the real narrative. And while we're at it, we can answer the question, "Why doesn't anyone wanna move to Canada?" Because Canada still doesn't exist in this universe; and if it were to exist, the Mexicans would be the first to move there, considering the USA in this universe was created by Mexicans. But wait, OPOSSUM is part of the story, and he could probably create a bunch of OPOSSUM clones in order to colonize Canada. So that's what he just did simply because he could, and that's how the People's Republic of Great Ojai was born in this universe (Ojai being localized in what the previous universe would be Toronto).
OPOSSUM had very conveniently decided to found his great republic very close to Lesbianland (which in this universe controls a lot of empty land west and north of Thunder Bay in what we'd know as Ontario, as well as the entire state of Minnesota for some reason), which will definitely not cause any issues whatsoever. Speaking of issues, it turns out that in a shocking twist and definitely not as a way to undo the horrible idea that is killing the main antagonists so soon in the story; the suicide of the English had been but a ruse, and they had hidden themselves underground to start fighting the catgirls the moment these catgirls started conquering EnglandIf it sounds weird that the English actually made a smart move for once, that's because that wasn't their idea, but one they stole from the French. Suddenly, Hoe Biden came into existence. No one knew who he was, so nobody cared except for maybe one girl from Lesbian Poland. And just like that, it was set into a Commandment that no one ever speak of Hoe Biden ever again. Anyways, startled by the "revival" of the English, the catgirls decided it was best for them if they fended off from potential English allies in case any of them still thought they had actually commited suicide. So the English went even deeper when the Catgirls started going into caves. Because the Earth is round, and therefore has a core in the center, the English started feeling a little bit lukewarm, but they didn't care. They ironically died; and everyone died slowly, horrible deaths. Nah, just kidding, they were burning on the inside, but they were still just as alive and just as careless of the perdicament they've put themselves in. Suddenly, Saruman. Suddenly, a gun pointed directly in his face. SUddenly, all lesbains through Saruman's kill all lesbains spell died. Catgirls, however, are not lesbians; they only have the attributes of one. In reality, all catgirls are bisexual; they just lean very heavily towards the gay part of bisexuality. Also, it should be noted that no lesbian has died so far in this story, plus the whole "fended off from potential English allies in case any of them still thought they had actually commited suicide" plan couldn't work because the English did not have a single ally (lol).
Anyway, OPOSSUM and his OPOSSUM clones did inevitably end up causing themselves problems by raiding food trucks headed for Lesbianland. The trucks were all empty decoys, meaning they wasted precious time. But in the food trucks they found a secret lesbian base, and how to get there; it was deep in southern Texas, near the Borders! But OPOSSUM didn't care about getting to the Texan border; all he needed was food to feed the rabid clones of himself he had created. However, he then realized that going to Lesbianland might be the only way to get food, as the food trucks were completely empty and were too lazy to go all the way back to their hometown to get more food. Unfortunately for OPOSSUM he had actually gotten himself, and by extension his clones since they're just ferocious versions of his own being banned from Lesbianland for raiding their food trucks, which was why they were doing it in unclaimed land (also known as Canada north of the 48th parallel) instead. OPOSSUM tried to explain that he was just getting food for his clones and didn't mean any harm, but his food trucks had caused too much ruckus for the lesbians to forgive him; OPOSSUM then tried to use his best flirting skills to get them on his side, until he remembered the reason the place was called 'Lesbianland'. This caused him to get banned2 from Lesbianland, which is actually impossible but he somehow found a way to do it. Unwilling to be banned2 from Lesbialand for eternity, OPOSSUM tried to come up with something that could make the lesbians change their minds, and then realized of the simple solution: he needed to create a female OPOSSUM clone, which would be able to win the lesbians' heart and, thus, solve this dispute once and for all. So he created the clone, but the lesbians knew it was a clone and detained it to analise OPOSSUM's information, finding useful data, and sinking Opossumin morale. However, the female OPOSSUM clone did achieve to fool one of the lesbians working for the Lesbianlandian government, who fell madly in love with she-OPOSSUM,reasons still unknown and thus she-OPOSSUM tried to brive her into convincing the Lesbianlandians to unban the OPOSSUM clones from there. The OPOSSUMS now started digging their way underground to Lesbainland.
On the way underground, they found someone who'd help them win; the Mercenary Moles(or Holy Molys), a powerful army who were interested in kicking out the lesbians. WHen the Lesbains came there, the Holy Molys were forced from their native ground underground wheren ow they starve. Upon seeing the lesbain opression of moles, that Hoe Biden guy clapped Thunder Bay with rageIt's now a big abandoned place that's hot like an armpit, breaking the "Don't mention Hoe Biden" Commandment, which banned Hoe Biden from Earth, so he went to chill in the void. Then Hoe Biden was forced to stare at AZATHOTH full-form for eternity.
Meanwhile, on the surface of the ground, England suddenly waved a white flag of truce and asked to make a deal. They then realized that they could summon the Goatse God from another dimension. Oh fuck, not the Goatse god from another dimension!!1!!!1! The Goatse God is an eldritch abomination from the void which uses its anus to project a non-existence beam onto all who disrepsect it. Alas, no characters in this story so far had disrespected the Goatse God (most of them because they didn't even know such God existed), so the English had to find a way to fool the Goatse God into thinking the lesbians from Lesbianland had disrespected it. They figured out that the Goatse God hated anything aside from itself and AZATHOTH in the void, so they vowed to push Lesbainland into the void. However, earlier, everyone's god powers were removed, so the blåhaj rebranded Goatse "God" into Goatséé, a warrior who used his voidlike powers to decimate Lesbianland as we know it, so lesbians fleed to Mozambique to start a mew country, Lesbian Africa. Then the English somehow managed to get Africa into the void.
=== The beginning of the end of the war === yeah, sure, as if it was that easy... but it is true, insofar that suddenly England ran low on weapons and gunpowder and soldiers were low, meaning something had to be done. Suddenly, they discovered an infinite gunpowder box in the middle of England's plains. However, everyone suddenly forgot the current war and began to fight over the gunpowder, and the lack of manpower meant England stood little chance to get the resource. Thankfully, they found infinite gunpowerder boxes in every villagein England. Until a flood came and caused all powder to get wet, leaving things back to square one. Thankfully, england had mountains all of a sudden. However, this was a drawback in itself, leading to their opponents to fire at the mountains to cause explosions that threatened to put a toll on them, not to mention there was no chance to reload guns. But then they realized they didn't need that stuff, because they already had a better plan: contacting the Goatse god. Thankfully, the Goatse god used his non-existence anus beam to project non-existence on all Lesbains. Might I remind you that catgirls are still not lesbians? SHADDUP, its the Catgirls that are lesnains.
All this chaos had by this point caused a great imbalance in the universe, which caused the magical blåhaj to not only remove all the goatse flying around, but it also made everyone forget that it ever existed in the first place. However, an even bigger blɑ̃haj existed, and it reversed the smaller blahaj's decision to remove Goatse.
===Goatse's war against Earth(which will problably end in even more universe instability)===
I am sorry, TabletGenesis, but Goatse is not a guy, find out more at goatse.ru. No, i will not find out more, because goatse isn't and was never real, and it's illegal to think about it. But in any case, news of the war had been reaching the realm of the gods, who were appalled at the humans' violence and fighting, and thinking something had to be done. To which their response was nothing, because this universe hasn't had a god since Universe 7. Wait, wasn't a sort of goat god mentioned earlier? No, they were talking about goatse, which isn't real. The British, baffled at the realization that their plans to attack the Lesbians had become futile because their weapon somehow became non-existent; tried to think for a new plan, and realized that the best option would be to summon the English Lord of Chaos, Monty Python. But amidst all this chaos, they found out that Python had somehow turned himself into a literal python in a lab accident during the second Falklands war. But because he was the English Lord of Chaos, this didn't stop hin; if anything, it made him even more powerful. Also Korekiyo Shinjusi is not a man. But nobody in this story knows who Korekiyo Shingusi is, so nobody cared. This caused the magical blåhaj to simply disintegrate Kirekiyo, as well as the "even bigger, more magical blåhaj" that was mentioned earlier because no one truly cared about either of them. However, Monty Python, in all his chaotic tomfoolery, decided to recreate this 'Korekiyo Shingusi' person that nobody cared about just to spite the blåhaj; and because he couldn't pronounce this person's name, he renamed them to Forteetoo, and made them a secondary character. Then Forteetoo was turned into a python too, not because anyone wanted it, but because Monty's powers have the unfortunate side effect of turning others into pythons too. But Forteetoo didn't care; all that mattered to them is that they weren't a simple character no one on the plot cared about, but a secondary character, which was more than what they could have ever asked for. Unfortunately no one would either know or care about who this he was, because they'd never heard of him in the first place, and he doesn't have any recognizable clothing to wear (Monty at least has his top hat still). Actually, it has been stated before that Forteetoo's former self was not a man, therefore Forteetoo isn't a man either and the correct pronouns would be either 'she' or 'they'; not that anyone cares, as nobody carse who Forteetoo is.
Suddenly, Luna appeared, and she was confused as hell because she didn't know who these two pythons were. But she didn't really give a damn, so she ignored the pythons and do what she had come here in the first place: to set traps to troll the English.
===This story is getting boring and these jokes are getting repetitive, therefore, the cat from earlier is free to eat it up screw off, just because you find it boring doesn't mean you get to ruin the fun for everyone else.... anyways, the universe half-shrunk the normal size to reduce the amount og bullshit clogging it up. Uh oh, looks like the magical blåhaj is getting pissed again! The magical blåhaj blåhaj (thati s what the blåhaj bigger tha nthee blåhaj is called) now considered wiping ou tthe iuiverse.
This turned out to be the breaking point that destabilized the universe, bringing us to universe 10. Or was it 11,or 12; possibly even 13 or 14, or... fuck, I loust the count, didn't I? Because it was unstable, the entire universe except for a chicken, a cat, and the continent of Antarctica flashed out of existence for some reason. Well, it was really only Antarctica, as chickens and cats can't breathe in a void, right? But Antarctica can't breathe in the first place, so there's really not anyone left.
Well, there isn't anyone except for the Giant Magical Blajah, who's still in charge of preventing the universe from fully exploding; as well as John, who for some reason didn't evaporate with the rest of the story, nor died like the chickens and the cats did. So the Blahåj added Goth Garfield to the universe, and he teamed up with John to create a new planet separate from the void called Fecesia. Also i lied about everyone except these two evaporating, because Luna somehow managed to use the remains of her former plot armor to survive the universe reset. Which is weird, considering she did not keep her plot armor in the previous universal reset; but heh, if the Flying Magical Blåhaj deems this necessary for the universe, then so be it.
Anyway, the blåhaj had by this point realized that the rules of the story are decided by what the current writer finds funny to write about, so it promptly decided to recreate the universe of the writers, except with itself, John, Goth Garfield and Luna remembering everything. However, it turns out that John couldn't take the knowledge of 10 universes altogether as it was too much information for his pea-sized brain, Garfield could handle it for being an eldritch god and Luna also could for having being a goddess in a previous incarnation so the Blajah decided to create nine identical Johns plus the original (that's 10 Johns in total), each one holding the information of one of the universes; now that all this has been set up, let's start the avtual story 10, shall we?
==Story 10==
In the beginning of time, Chronarion made Uncyclopedia. But the beggining of time happened like 10 universes ago, so it's kind of irrelevant by now. Then he was planning to jump into your mother's vagina, but John convinced him to try finding out if he's gay instead, averting a possible disaster from happening. As a result, he had buttsecks with your dad instead, sentencing your dad to boypreggers. But this would inevitably end up summoning a bunch of penguins in your basement. And guess what, the penguins comitted war crimes in your basement, sentencing John to boypreggers as well!
9 months pass, and both your dad and John are about to birth their children. Their children appear to be yellower than usual; do they have, like, jaundice or something? Yes, they very much do. Well holy shit then. Anyway, their children died immediately upon birth of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Because your dad's child died, and you are your dad's child, that means now you are dead... hoorray! The story is finally good now! The authors and the characters of this story cheered in unison and celebrated your pitiful death, partying and dancing over your tombstone.
In other news, the death of your dad's child was so bad for Chronarion that he decided to sell Uncyclopedia to Wikia FANDOM. But John, who had already seen how this story goes, convinced Chronarion to not sell Uncyclopedia to Jimbo Wales, who would completely destroy Uncyclopedia as we know it. Jimbo's former colleague Larry Sanger offered to buy it shortly after. Then John said "Woaah, woaah, woaah, I guess this is how the story goes" two times in a row.
Ojai (/ˈoʊhaɪ/ ⓘ OH-hy; Chumash: ’Awhaỳ) is a city and the capital of the Peoples Republic of Greater Ojai. It's a very exciting place to be, that is as long as you don't do anything that might anger The Party like expressing your opinion, then it might become not that good of a place to be. That is, at least, compared to your mom's basement. Your mom's basement surely is a good place to be, at least when your mom's around... But not when you can hear her screaming from upstairs.
Oh no...
Oh yes...
Turns out your mom was infected by one of the OPOSSUM zombies from ASBOSAAT, and she has turn into an Aracuan as a result! This has the bizarre side effect of letting add more text at this time. Sadly, this meant that could not add more text at this time. It also meant that can't huff the page at this time. But is an admin, so it's not as if they care; they have the power to do it with no consequences whatsoever, and if they want to, they sure as hell will; even if the rest of users try to avoid it.
=== The deletion of the story ===
Hold on, hold on; even though we've already been through 10 different universal resets, and this page is pretty much the longest on Uncyclopedia, there's no need to end it now like that! Don't worry, we're not resetting the story again, we're just deleting it this time. But that's worse!!!!1!1!11!!! Don't worry, we can continue it some other day. So that's how it is, we will delete this whole page like that? Yes. Well, then I guess I'll bid farewell to this page while it's still not deleted *sniff' '*...
Don't worry, i don't know when it'll get deleted, i just know it'll happen someday. So you're telling me that it's not going to get deleted yet, and I' ve been worrying and crying over nothing? More or less, yeah. Well, shoot; shall we continue with the story, then? Sure.
===The non-deletion of the story===
John heard knocking on the door, and someone on the other side yelled "TAX TIME!!!". Then he grabbed his lightsaber to fight the IRS. Meanwile the laziest bum LaziBum3 was watching from the side-lines, being too lazy to even think about finding cover or anything. Meanwhile the least lazy bum HyperactiveBum3 knocked down the IRS, and the neighborhood created a powerful faction called John's Militia to resist tax collectors in town. It turns out that John's Militia wasn't named after our main character, but after John Lennon, who proudly dissed taxes in The Beatle's song "Taxman"; while John's Militia and HyperactiveBum3 was doing a ruckus against the IRS, John (the main character) took advantage and escaped, as he had better things to do than engaging in a bloody war with the IRS.
But the IRS decided to chase John, who served as a distraction, buying time for John's Militia to expand and become the first country in the Decauniverse. Then the Grue Fenris2010 decided to help John, so he ate the leader of the IRS. But then the IRS's vice-leader warned the grue that eating the IRS leader costed a $100000000000000 tax, so the grue decided to puke the leader just to avoid paying taxes. But the Grue changed his mind and ate the IRS leader again, then he ate the IRS's vice-leader, completely digesting both of them. Suddenly, Robert W. Chambers. Suddenly, Robert W. Chambers was also eaten by Fenris2010. Suddenly, another Robert W. Chambers popped into existence. The Grue asked the new Robert W. Chambers to help him take down John's Militia. Sadly, Robert W. Chambers was too busy writing The King in Yellow as a psychological weapon.
===The Kangaroo court===
It is December 25th, 2010; it was so damn long ago, back in Uncyclopedia's golden age...I would see those days return. Unfourtunately, Kangaroo country's Supreme Court ruled on censoring the Christmas of 2010, because it was offensive to curristians. No they censored it because it offended tranreligigendertransquer people. Or maybe it offended both, possibly even for the same reason. Anyways Santa Clause was pissed so he roused the Noldor out of their sleep to invade Australia to kill all the filthy little maggots. The Australians converted Ayers Rock into a giant tank to fight back. But the Noldor had the magical weapon known as plot convenience, so they used it and the Ayers Rock Tank exploded and was never repaired.
===The Defeat of Australia===
With Ayers Rock destroyed, the Australians had basically no tourism industry left, because now absolutely nobody wanted to visit Australia because all the animals want to kill you and fuck your corpse. Suddenly, Australia was so damn fucking screwed they fucking fuck fucks fuckers fucking fuck fuckers. Even more suddenly, Australia figured out a way to revitalize their tourism industry: by murdering all the animals and selling all of their body parts on the international black market! Sadly, the animals were bigger and stronger; and the humans were the ones that ended murdered and having their organs sold in the (animal) black market. But at the very least this opens up possibilities for the animals to start their own tourism industry, especially considering that they absolutely don't care about Uluru getting destroyed or not. However, this didn't please the peeps in the United Kingdom, as the animals, unlike the Australian humans, did not bow before the King. However however, no one cares about what the british think about all this, especially not the animals. However however however, this did not stop the british to pull out an all-attack against the Australian continent to reclaim it, only to notice the animals were bigger and stronger and would most certainly win the war; so th brits cowered and attacked a much weaker enemy (Fr*nce) just to please their thirst for conquer.
Suddenly, a neckbeard named Jimmy who comes out of his cave wearing his cum-stained pants and hentai girl shirt. This has absolutely nothing to do with the previous sentences in the slightest, which means that nobody cares. (For now)....anyways the British tried to get the Noldor to use their plot convenience powers, but it has an annual cool down, so they couldn't use it again until next year.
===The bad effects of Climate Change===
What do you mean bad effects, there are none! Actually, if you do your homework and observe nature, you will find sea levels have gotten higher, ice at the poles are melting, and temperatures have risen, with it being obvious that something is wrong and habitats for people and animals are threatened. I think they were joking about that, they were making a reference to how people in power ignore these dangers, and way to kill the vibe. Then the French used the climate change argument to conquer Britain, and make an global military alliance with Australia, John's Militia, and the caveman called Jimmy. But the French were foolish to try to hoard the power of the Sun for themselves; it was simply too powerful for them to control it, and it ended (literally) imploding on their face.
But the French ate 1 trillion frogs and destroyed the Sun, which annoyed the Italians that were farming Vitamin D.
===The good effects of Climate Change===
====Please shut the fuck up about climate change====
===Please don't shut the fuck up about climate change; I love to hear it!===
===Please for the love of almighty God shut the fuck up you sound like those liberal faggots=== No (also stop using slurs).
====Suddenly,=====
a half finished sente-
conveniently, the entire universe died in a retard explosion, which is when too many people get hooked onto Disney products like LSD and Vietnam soldiers and explode in a DIsney Singularity. But Disney (thankfully) didn't exist in this universe, so nothing really happened... The magical blåhaj then realized that this would be a logical error that could possibly destroy the universe, so it created a brand called Disney; however, the cat realized what was happening and ate Disney up the second it was created, preventing both the logical error and a universal explosion at the same time. "YOU GRAPE BANANA-BERRIES ARE SO FUCKING STUPID THAT GEORGE RR MARTIN IS SMARTER THAN WALRUS MARTIN." -some insane guy.
===WHy did we kill the in-joke?===
To prevent this story from deraliling even further and the plot to become even more non-existent; we're going to switch the location of the story to a different place where perhaps something more interesting is happening; this place is none other than Alaska, where a different version of John is freezing to death.
===Why did we forge the Mocassins?===
====Wait, when did we forge the Moccasins???====
=====Wait, HOW did we forge the Moccasins???=====
======Wait, WHY did we forge the Moccasins??????======
======are you guys going to follow the story or what >:[======
======i forgot what the story was about======
======well fuck.======
======There was a story?======
===Suddenly, MOCASSINS===
I really need to get caught up on the story.
MY OENIS. What does that have to do with anything?
MY ORNID. N.
Anyways, France, who decimated Britain with their power, went into war with the Italians, who were getting some Vitamin D before France destroyed the Sun; Sunddenly, first World War of the Decauniverse where everyone fights France!!! France lost, suddenly France came back to life; suddenly, France lost again. Suddenly, France used plot convenience to destroy Britain. Suddenly, an author decided not to destroy the best country (subjective), and Britain came back to life, but on an alien planet, far away from any danger or conflict. I don't mean to interrupt, but does the Blahaj just exist as a passive entity that only revives universes, in a deist sense? I don't mean to break the fourth wall, but who exactly is that? I mean the giant toy shark thing that only exists whenever a universe gets clogged with bullshit and resets it? IT IS MORE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO BE GAY THAN STRAIGHT IN BRITAIN. No idea, I think people don't care either way, unless it's a 12-year-old you're asking... Answering the Blajah question; yes, it isn't a god, because the last god on this story (Luna) decided that there shall not be more gods from now on, instead putting a Flying Magical Blajah as the device which controls universal balance; however, this universe was only born some paragraphs ago and it's already going to shit, and it seems the Flying Magical Blajah hasn't enough power as of now to reset once again the universe...
One would think it was a dupplicate of the Flying Magical Blajah to help re-estabilize the story; but no, it's an evil doppleganger, willing to force the universe submit to total chaos! Actually, it's just one of the Magical Blåhaj's children having fun spinning around in their chair... But I thought the Flying Magical Blajah was a passive entity and, therefore, could not engage in any activity an active entity would do, such as having children or having sex...Suddenly, somehow, somewhere, the Comically Evil Empire!
WTF DID YOU GUYS DO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE STORY THEN SOMEONE ASKED ABOUT THE BLAJAH IF YOU WANT TO CATCH UP WITH THE STORY JUST READ IT!!! go eat shit fuckers you idiot, we've always had motherfuckign incoherency, go read a fucking novel if you want coherency. I can't deny, it'd be cool to have at least a bit of coherency; but I guess it's really hard to have that when several people are trying to write a story at the same time.. Anyway, the giant Magical Blåhaj canonically has children, and we just have to live with this fact in mind. But if the giant Magical Blåhaj can have children, then he's not a passive entity, but an actual god! 1: no that's not true; 2: the Magical Blåhaj isn't male. Whoops, sorry, I don't remember if her gender had appeared before and I assumed wrongly; but still, passive entities cannot fuck! The details here don't matter, the only relevant thing is that the big fancy shark has a child somehow. I think they're children in the conceptual sense rather than the biological sense. Then the conceptual child ate the conceptual mother, to death! But that can't happen; if the mother dies, who'll be there to passively control order and chaos in this universe? Nobody, that's the point; a nuke blows up the moon! No, the conceptual child takes over for the conceptual mother, that's why they're her children.
Suddenly, the story-eating cat is so bored with this yap he pukes out the actual story; let me see, the Vomitian Empire went to war with the Barf Republic, and the barfi president threw up...???
===(Hopefully) back to an actual story===
wtf are you talking about; the cat never ate any story in this universe, not to mention that cat would never do such a thing as give a story back...
Well, perhaps that wouldn't happen if people actually followed the damn plot, instead of adding random things; such as the sudden appearance of a war between France and the Brits (which was a previous plot point that was supposedly dropped after the 10-ish-th universal reset), or the Magical Blajah suddenly having a child despite being a passive entity that cannot get pregnant or have sex...
If that's the case, then I don't see what might make it taste so bad... Maybe the cat is biologically compelled to avoid eating MOCCASINS, and this story has too many for her. No, if that was the case then she wouldn't have eaten so many stories with moccasins in them beforehand. But this story has more MOCCASINS than that one. That definitely isn't the problem, considering you can never get too many moccasins, only too few moccasins. I didn't say it was too many MOCCASINS, only more than those other stories had. ( S I G H )Ummm, hey guys, how about an universal reset to spice things up? We've already had enough of those for now, don't you think? Yes, no more universe resets (unless the Magical Blåhaj says so, then i don't have anything against it). This time we barely got to start our story and the plot already was spiriling into a mess of incoherency, so I think this time we can just reset the story without resetting the universe in which it happens and no one would bat an eye...
===New story: Once upon a time there was a narwhal.===
And this narwhal's friend is a human (and former god) named Luna. Luna was the president of the magical kingdom of Lesbianland, which she ruled with her mighty iron fist wisdom and wit alongside her companion, John's iteration from the universe where they had to fight Eldritch Gothfield in space (also known as John #6). Gothfield is also there. But in her non-eldritch form; she's just enjoying the good lesbian life in Lesbianland by pegging her good girlfriend Knife Girl. Oh yeah, Knife Girl is part of this story too, in case that wasn't obvious. And she's getting her cunt destroyed by Gothfield. In other words, all is well and good (and possibly a little bit gay) in this world. However, we can't let all well and good in this world for too long, or else there won't be a plot! Yeah, and i was hoping you would mention the blatantly obvious bad thing happening somewhere in this world in the previous sentence. Oops, eh... uhhhh... suddenly, an ambassador from the adjacent nation, Yaoitopia, entered through the doors of Luna's castle; he was mad that Lesbianland hadn't yet paid for the dildos they had previously bought from Yaoitopia, and needed the money now or else there would be consequences. But Luna refused, because as far as she was aware Lesbianland hadn't bought any dildos from Yaoitopia ever. So Yaoitopia declared war on Lesbianland, not realizing that a war would probably cost more than those dildos supposedly had. But several citizens from Yaoitopia were overtly buff Spartan soldiers whose love for war was only matched by its love for gay sex, so it's not like it mattered to them. So the Lesbianlanders, who in this universe live on the island of Lesbos (duh), called upon their allies, the narwhals. And the narwhals, in turn, called upon their allies, the British, who in turn called upon their allies, the fujoshis, causing an infinite loop of allies calling upon each other for war against each other. That is totally wrong because A. nobody likes the British, B. the British are currently on another planet, and C. narwhals are too smart to go to UK waters, where they would become property of the British crown. And that is totally incorrect because this world isn't realistic. But let's be honest, not even in an unrealistic world the English are liked, as that's an universal constant that can never be broken... None of this has anything to do with the fact that the British are allied with two different countries though. But it just so happens that those two countries are Assholestan and the Cartoonishly Evil Empire, who are universally despised in this fictional world. These two countries are coincidentally also known as Narwhalland and Yaoitopia, in case you didn't read the story before this sentence. YOU didn't read the story before this sentence, the narwhals are allied with Lesbianland, which is at war with Yaoitopia, and also, Britain is STILL ON ANOTHER PLANET! Have you considered that there's possibly two different Britains in this universe? Have you two considered that perhaps we should try to create an unifying narrative rather than making up shit that contradicts what the previous user wrote and don't really add to the plot at all? That would of course, be a very dumb idea, because reading or listening to arguments is fun!
===SECOND WORLD WAR OF THE DECAUNIVERSE: Narwhalwater and Lesbianland vs. Yaoitopia and long-distance Britain===
It really ain't a world war, tho; also, I too agree that the British are too unlikable to form alliances with any of the sides, so I'm retconning that last part so that it's the French who sided with Yaoitopia, who are also really unlikeable, but extremely gay too. I'm also retconning the fact that the British are unlikable, because that is false. I retcon your retcon, and start the story: Yaoitopia was unable to blockade Lesbianland, the usual tactic, because the narwhals sank any ship that tried to start one; they therefore attempted to ally with America so they could bomb the shit out of them. But America is the name of a continent, not a country, and in this universe there yet aren't any modern civilizations on America; so Yaoitopia had to find an ally somewhere else. This ally, as it turns out, would end up being Australia, whose populace really likes yaoi for some indescribable reason. But because the British in this universe live on the moon, this version of Australia was never invaded by the United Kingdom, instead being invaded by the Japanese, which would explain why so many fujoshis live now on that island. It doesn't, but that's besides the point here. Yes it does; yaoi is a very important part of Japanese culture, so it's obvious they would side with the nation that has the word "yaoi" on it. Aaanyway, the Australians tried to bomb Lesbianland, but the narwhals evac'ed the Lesbianlanders to San Francisco, so they were fine and, of course, really pissed at Australia. But as it's been mentioned before, in this universe there aren't any modern civilizations on America, meaning that there is no such thing as a city called "San Francisco" for the narwhals to escape to... They didn't escape to the city of San Francisco, they escaped to the place where San Francisco would be in our universe. Suddenly, out of the waters of the astoundingly deep ocean off the coast of Austrailia rose a submarine containing Ryley Robinson and a wizard with an awesome staff but no other crewmembers which was really strange considering how absolutely massive the submarine was. So the Australians offered to provide a crew for this ship: a crew of emus. Ryley Robinson was mostly indifferent to this because he didn't really need the emus, he could handle the sub just find with just him and the wizard and the emus would probably just get in the way, but he thought that maybe he could use them as decoys if any submarine-eating sea monsters attacked (submarine eating sea monsters also enjoy smaller, meatier meals, such as an emu). The narwhals, of course, knew that the emus would be attempting to convince Ryley to join their side, which could be disastrous given that their entire country was underwater; so they brought Luna to become part of the crew and convert him to the side of Truth, Justice, and Gay Sex. Ryley and his Wizard companion were pleased to receive a diplomat and discussed with her over a delicious fish dinner (consisting of a fish with an abnormally large eye), however Ryley and his Wizard friend who, conversely to the rest of the people around them were intent on maintaining some sort of moral code, were not interested in gay sex in the slightest and expressed their desire to avoid it. Luna proceeded to explain that God was dead (sort of) and the giant magic Blåhaj was in charge now and didn't care if you were gay Because as a passive entity she is incapable of caring , and explained all the good that Lesbianland was doing by adopting war orphans Lesbianland maintains its population primarily through adoption, as immigration is insufficient..