Matchmaker, Match Breaker/Transcript

== Introduction ==
Arthur is sitting under a tree in his yard and writing in a diary. Francine comes by.
Francine: Hey, what you writing?
Arthur: Huh? Oh, nothing much. Just some thoughts.
Francine: What kind of thoughts? Can I see?
Arthur: Um, actually, it's private.
Francine: Oh, I see! It's about me, isn't it?
Arthur: I didn't say that.
Muffy: Hey, guys. What's going on?
Francine: Oh, Arthur's writing about me. That's what's going on. It's probably something mean.
Arthur: It's not mean.
Francine: So it's something nice?
Arthur: It's not about you.
Muffy: Is it about me? Is it about my hair? You noticed I'm using a new conditioner, right? It's called Mountain Mist, if you want to write it down.
Francine: Come on. Just let us see it.
Arthur: No!
He holds the diary in his mouth and climbs the tree. Francine and Muffy walk away.
Francine+Muffy: (laugh)
Arthur: Phew! Don't you hate it when people try to stick their nose in your business? Some things are just private.
Buster hangs down from a higher branch.
Buster: What you writing? Can I see?
Arthur: (groans)
== Title Card: Francine Bangs Gong ==
Bailey walks into the Crosswire mansion holding a travelling bag. He holds the door open for Chip Crosswire. Muffy runs down the stairs.
Muffy: Chip! You're home!
Chip: Hey, it's the Muffler.
He picks her up and swings her around.
Muffy: (squeals)
Chip and Muffy sit down on a couch.
Muffy: So, how's Tallahassee Tech?
Chip: Pretty cool, but they keep me really busy. There’s swim practice, freshmen mixers, fraternities to check out. Oh, yeah, and classes, too.
Muffy: My Chipwich must be exhausted. But you'll have plenty of time to rest after the welcome-home dinner I planned for you tonight.
Chip: Welcome-home dinner?
Muffy: Oh, don't worry. I promise it'll be very relaxed and not fancy.
That night the Crosswire’s and Frenskys are sitting in the mansion in their best clothes while Bailey serves soup. Mr. Crosswire eats a spoonful and dabs his mouth with his napkin.
Mr. Crosswire: A-hem. So, Oliver, how's the sanitation business?
Mr. Frensky: Well, you know what they say about My line of work - if you're willing to get your hands dirty, you can really clean up! (laughs)
Pause.
Mr. Crosswire: I don't get it.
Mr. Frensky: Now, you see, as a sanitation worker, I actually do have to get my hands dirty...
Francine: Oh, no. My father's telling jokes. He promised he wouldn't.
Muffy: I told Bailey to use the pink napkins. Oh, this welcome-home dinner is a disaster.
Chip is chatting with Catherine.
Francine: At least they seem to be having a good time.
Muffy and Francine smile at the teenagers. Chip and Catherine simultaneously take out their cell phones.
Catherine: No way! I have the Portalex three-eighty, too!
Muffy: They seem to really like each other.
Francine: Hey, you know, if Chip and Catherine ever got married...
Muffy: …we'd be sisters!
A sitcom theme song plays while Francine and Muffy as young grown-ups ride a tandem bike along a street.
Theme Song: "They used to be friends, now they're related. Always together, never separated. They drive a sports car and stand on a mountain. Who are those beautiful two? The Frenskwire sisters, that's who."
A title card reads “The Frenskwire Sisters Show”.
Muffy sits at a table in an apartment. Francine comes in.
Adult Francine: How's it going?
Adult Muffy: Terrible. I just bought this horse, but I have no idea how to ride it.
A horse stands in the room and whinnies.
Adult Francine: No sweat. I'll teach you. But, Muffy, where's it gonna live? Our apartment's too small.
Adult Muffy: Silly, I just bought the one next door and turned it into a stable. We're rich, remember?
A wall disappears showing a room furnished like a stable. The horse runs over.
Adult Francine: Oh, yeah. I love being sisters.
Adult Muffy: Me, too.
The horse whinnies.
The fantasy ends. Muffy and Francine sit at the table looking dreamily.
Francine: That would be so cool.
Muffy: I know. Let's get to work!
Later that evening the two fathers and the two mothers sit together and chat. Chip and Catherine stand by a mantelpiece.
Mr. Frensky: How 'bout those Grebes, huh?
Chip: So, you know, I'm kinda leaning towards Gamma Gamma Mu, but I don’t know. The Gotta Lotta Moolahs are pretty cool, too.
Muffy and Francine walk over.
Francine: Hi.
Muffy: How's it going?
Francine: Fun night, huh?
Muffy: I know I'm having fun.
Francine: Me too.
Muffy: What about you two?
Francine: Having fun?
Catherine: Um, yeah.
Chip: Sure.
Muffy: Good.
Francine: Great!
Muffy: We were just checking.
She and Francine leave. Chip and Catherine shrug.
A little later the teenagers are still talking.
Chip: Then there's Zeta Eta Theta, but I'm kinda leaning towards the other way.
Francine and Muffy and stop near the teenagers with a newspaper and stage a conversation.
Francine: Hey, Muffy, any interest in seeing Leaf Blower 4? I hear it's really scary.
Muffy: You know how I love scary movies! But wait. It's playing all the way out at Mill Creek Mall. We'll have to find someone to take us.
She looks at Chip.
Chip: If it's okay with the 'rents, hey, I'll take you, Muffler. You wanna come?
Catherine: Sure. I loved Leaf Blower 3.
Muffy and Francine leave.
Chip: Hey, remember when the principal gets his tie caught in the mulcher?
Catherine: Dude, that was so gross!
Muffy and Francine meet outside in the hallway. Bailey walks by with a tray.
Francine: Phase one of operation Frenskwire is complete.
They slap hands.
Muffy and Francine are sitting in a movie theater behind Catherine. Muffy looks scared, Francine is covering her eyes.
Muffy: This movie is awful. Couldn't you have picked another one?
Francine: It's the only one I knew Catherine wanted to see.
Chip returns to his seat beside Catherine with a drink.
Francine: Hey, how come Chip didn't get Catherine a juice?
Muffy: She didn't ask for one.
Francine: I know. But it would have been nice.
Muffy: I'll tell you what would be nice. If Catherine shared the armrest. Look! She's hogging the whole thing.
Francine: That's not hogging. That's just being romantic.
Both look at the screen.
Francine+Muffy: (gasp) Ahh!
Chip: Hey, you wanna meet some of my friends for a latteccino at the Stardoes after we drop the kids off?
Catherine: Okay.
Francine: See?
Francine runs up to Catherine when she returns home.
Francine: How'd it go? Did you guys have a good time? What'd you do?
Catherine: Nothing.
Francine: Nothing? What do you mean, nothing? How can you spend three hours doing nothing?
Catherine: We hung out at the mall, that's all. Why are you so interested anyway?
Francine: Me? I'm not interested. What you do with your friends is your business. I have to use the phone. 
She runs off.
Muffy and Francine sit in the Chickin Lickin’ wearing disguises.
Muffy: Ugh! This chicken's so greasy. And the lighting is very unflattering.
Chip and Catherine are having lunch at the other end of the restaurant.
Francine: Not everyone can afford fancy restaurants, moneybags. Not like Chip would pay for it, anyway.
Muffy: What do you mean by that?
Francine: He's so cheap, he wouldn't even spring for a juice at the movies.
Muffy: My brother is not cheap!
Francine: He is, too. And he invited another person on their date. Look!
Angi sits down beside Chip.
Muffy: That's Angi, one of Catherine's friends. I recognize her from the Sugar Bowl.
Francine: Hey, you're right. That makes it even worse.
They stare at each other.
The “Frenskwire Sisters” opening is shown again. This time the tandem bike goes very fast.
Muffy: Slow down! I can't keep up.
Francine: Keep up? You're not even pedaling.
Theme Song: “They used to be friends, now they're related. Thought they would like it, turns out they hate it. They drive a sportscar in the rain and argue on a mountaintop during a storm. Who are these miserable two? The Frenskwire sisters, that's who.”
Muffy is doing her toenails on the couch while Francine sweeps the stable side of the apartment.
Adult Francine: Muffy, it's your turn to clean up after Thunderbolt.
Adult Muffy: But I just did my nails. Anyway, I fed him earlier.
Adult Francine: Yeah, the cake I made for Catherine's birthday!
Adult Muffy: Oh. Is that what that was? I thought it was garbage. It's so hard to tell the difference with your cooking.
The horse whinnies.
The fantasy ends.
Francine: I'm ending this relationship between your brother and my sister.
Muffy: Fine! You'd make a terrible sister, anyway. We'll just see who ends it first.
Bailey stands in Muffy’s bedroom. Muffy has a tape recorder and a telephone.
Bailey: I don't know if this is such a good idea, Miss Muffy.
Muffy: Bailey, it's for the good of the Crosswire family. All you have to do is ask her a few questions.   
Bailey phones. Catherine is on the other end.
Catherine: Hello?
Muffy turns on the recorder.
Bailey: A-hem. Hello. I'm conducting a survey that could win you a trip to Hawaii. Is your first name Kate?
Catherine: No, it's Catherine.
Bailey: Do you prefer pickle-flavored ice cream or chocolate chip?
Catherine: Chocolate chip.
Bailey: How would you describe your feelings towards liver?
Catherine: I hate liver!
Bailey: What letter comes after T in the alphabet?
Catherine: U?
Bailey: Thank you very much. We'll let you know if you've won.
Muffy: Perfect. Now, all I have to do is a little editing.
Catherine is working on the computer at home. Francine hands her an envelope.
Francine: Here. This was in the mail for you. She waits expectantly while Catherine opens it and reads the letter. What is it?
Catherine: A really weird letter from Chip. He says he's moving to Alaska and he never wants to see me again.
Francine: Oh, well. Good riddance, right?
She smiles.
At the Crosswire mansion Chip receives a phone call made from Catherine’s recorded voice.
Catherine (on phone): “Chip ... it's Catherine ... I hate... U?”
The doorbell rings. Catherine waits outside holding the letter.
Catherine: I just got your letter. You're moving to Alaska?
Chip: No. I just got your message. Why did you say you hate me?
Catherine: I didn't!
Catherine/Chip: Francine. / Muffy.
Francine and Muffy sit on a couch in the Crosswire mansion while Catherine and Chip stand in front of them.
Francine: Okay, I admit it. I wrote that letter from Chip.
Muffy: And I made Bailey call Catherine with that fake survey.
Chip: But why, Muffler?
Muffy: I didn't want you two to get married.
Francine: That’s not true! At first you did. But then you thought a Frensky wasn't good enough to be in your family.
Muffy: I never said that! You were the one who called Chip cheap!
Chip: I'm not cheap!
Catherine: How could you think we'd get married? We're not even dating.
Chip: Yeah. Where'd you come up with that crazy idea?
Francine: I guess we just thought it would be… kind of cool if we were related.
Catherine: Sorry to disappoint you, but Chip and I are just friends.
She and Chip leave the room while Francine and Muffy stare at each other.
Chip and Catherine stand at the Crosswire’s entrance.
Catherine: Well, I'd better finish that biology paper.
Chip: Yeah. I'm gonna wash my hair. See ya.
Muffy and Francine are still sitting on the couch.
Francine: Ach. There goes our chance of being sisters.
Muffy: Yep. I guess we'll just have to settle for best friends.
The theme song plays again while flashbacks from the episode are shown.
Theme Song: “They’re still just friends. No, they’re not related. Never gonna be ‘cause of the mess they created. Who are these meddling two? Muffy and Francine, that’s who!”
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Category:A to Z
Category:2008