The Quest for the Sacred Onion

Gather round, children, I'm going to tell you a story. A story about how I found, the SACRED ONION. The artifact of doom.
It all started in the year 2015. I was sitting alone at my desk, idly browsing the internet. I eventually came across a download link that read "ONIONMAP.PNG". Curious, I downloaded it, checked it for viruses, and, when the scan finished, opened up the folder. Inside were two files. One was "ONIONMAP.PNG", and the other was "gotcha.txt". I opened up gotcha, and it simply read "Found you!". I chuckled, thinking it was just a joke, and closed Notepad. I finally got to the titular ONIONMAP, and opened it up. Inside was a map of the world, with a line connecting two different locations. The starting circle was placed over my state, and the X placed right on top of Achinsk, Russia. I was about to just write it off as a practical joke, when I heard a loud THUMP behind my house.
I dashed to my window, and looked outside. There stood five men, dressed in tuxedos. Each of them wore a particularly nice looking pair of Ray-Bans. Upon closer inspection, I finally figured out their identities. It was my 5 favorite Youtubers! Mutahar, Pewdiepie, Markiplier, Jontron and SammyClassicSonicFan all stood there, motionless, wielding UMP-45s. I shakily opened my door, and stepped outside.
"H-Hello?" I asked.
"Afternoon." said Mutahar in his beautiful, beautiful voice. "You found ONIONMAP.PNG, didn't you?"
"Y-Yes, I did. Why do you ask?"
"Because," said Jontron, "the prophecy states that he who finds the file is destined to conquer The Ogrelord."
"And because you found it," said Sammy, "you get to frickin' come with us, you frickin' frick!"
I could barely contain my excitement. An adventure across the world with my 5 favorite YouTubers? Sign me up! "Really? That sounds fun! I guess it's a good thing my parents are out of town this weekend."
"Fantastic!" said Markiplier in an enthusiastic tone, clapping his hands together. "Now, just step forward and we can give you the proper attire for the mission."
I took a step forward, and a beam of light was aimed at me from the heavens. Immediately, my normal attire was replaced with a tuxedo similar to the ones the 5 men standing in front of me were wearing. A pair of Gunnars appeared on my face, and an MP5 materialized out of nowhere, along with a bandoleer with 3 extra magazines.
"Whoa!" I yelled, surprised by the sudden divine intervention. "What's all this?"
"Why, it's your equipment!" Said Pewds. "You didn't seriously expect this to by an easy task, right?"
"Well, no, I didn't, but still! At least give me a warning!"
"The moment has passed, James," said Jontron, "just come over here and we can get into the jet."
"Jet? You guys have a jet? Also, how did you know my name?"
"Of course we frickin' do!" said Sammy, "What kind of frickin' moron wouldn't bring a jet on a mission as important as this?"
"And we know you name because it's literally embroidered on your sleeve." Said Mutahar.
"Alright, alright, fine." I walked towards the group, excited for what was going to come.
Mark pulled out a small remote, and pressed a button on it. Immediately, a jet materialized behind him, complete with 6 seats. "Man, I love that new camo the government gave us. So convenient!"
Pewds climbed into the pilot's seat, and gestured for us to follow him. "Come on bros! Let's fuckin' go!"
The rest of the team and I climbed into the remaining seats, and buckled in. "So, James, where exactly did the map say the onion was?" Asked Jon.
"I think it was in.. Achinsk?"
"Righty ho! Pewds! To Achinsk!"
The plane slowly began to move forwards, before lifting off the ground, and zooming off at Mach 2.
"WOO!" I screamed. "LET'S FUCKIN' GO!"
We were a mere couple hundred miles from Achinsk when the radar began making a beeping noise.
"Uh, bros?" Pewds said nervously, "I think we've got compan--" His sentence was cut off my an explosion, as the right wing of the jet was blown off my a missile. Pewds tried to steer the plane towards the ground, screaming "EJECT! EJECT!" at the top of his lungs.
We all pressed the eject buttons below our seats, and our chairs were sent flying into the air. Well, everyone except Pewds. His got jammed, and he was stuck in the plane, desperately trying to save himself. The plane descended further and further, until it crashed into the countryside, going up in a great ball of fire. Everyone was silent with shock, staring at the burning aircraft. I burst into tears. My second favorite youtuber, gone. Parachutes were deployed from our chairs, and we slowly descended to the surface, only a few hundred meters away from the crash site. We all got up, and walked towards the wreckage. What we saw when we got there, though, was something horrifying. sitting next to the flames was SONIC.EXE, eating Pewdiepie's head!
"W-What the fuck?!" I yelled. "What the hell is Sonic.EXE doing here?"
Sonic.EXE turned around, and smiled, hyper realistic blood dripping from his fangs. "Afternoon, JAMES. What a pleasure to see you!"
I pointed my gun right at his face and yelled. "What the everloving shit are you doing to Pewd's body?"
"Eating it, numbnuts. What the fuck does it LOOK like I'm doing?"
Mutahar dashed towards Sonic.EXE, and kicked him in the face, screaming "YOUR FUCKING STORY WAS SHIIIIT!". Sonic.EXE fell to the ground, and Mutahar stomped on his gut. He pointed his gun right at the hedgehog's face and said "There won't be a round 2 for you, asshole.", pulling the trigger, sending a bullet straight through Sonic.EXE's skull. Black, hyper-realistic blood sprayed from the wound, staining the ground around his corpse.
"Serves that frickin' frickface right." said Sammy.
"Amen, brotha." replied Mark and Jontron in unison.
I walked towards the wreckage of the jet, and picked up Pewd's charred body. "Well, I guess this is goodbye, old friend." I tossed him into the fire, along with Sonic.EXE, just to make sure he wouldn't come back.
"Well," said Mutahar, "we have to move forward. Even if it means that we all die in the process."
We all agreed, and decided to call a cab. Jon pulled out his cell phone, and dialed the number. A few minutes later, a cab fell from the sky. It was blood red, decorated with black pentagrams and upside down crosses. The driver side window rolled down, and inside sat Eyeless jack, munching on a kidney. "Get in, guys. We're going to kill Shrek."
We all piled into the taxi, and Jack sped off towards Achinsk, making it there in record time. The second we passed through the gates, decorated with the Achinsk flag, something felt, off. It was unnaturally quiet for a city with 100,000 inhabitants. Then it dawned on me. "Guys, I think this might be a trap. We should probably get out."
Mark and Mutahar both nodded, and we all got out of the car. The second we did, though, gunfire rang through the empty street. "Shit!" screamed Jon. We all dived into an alleyway, panting heavily.
"Well, you were right, James." said Markiplier. "It was a trap."
I felt a small amount of pride inside of me, and cautiously got up. "Alright guys, we should sneak around them. Where exactly is Shrek?"
"The prophecy said that Shrek would reside inside of a railroad station, so we should check out there first." said Jon, following close behind.
I rounded a corner, and saw two soldiers standing there, guns ready. In a split second, they unleashed a barrage of bullets in our direction, screaming in Russian. I returned fire, and was able to take them both down with relative ease. Well, except for the bullet that grazed by my right shoulder. That could've hurt.
We advanced through the alleyway, making our way towards the train station. The sound of approaching footsteps was enough motivation to get us moving forwards, and we sprinted through the narrow alley. I noticed that my gun was empty, and I ejected the magazine, tossing it aside, and loading in a new one. When I threw the mag, though, I heard a thumping noise, and a man shouting in Russian.
"Fuck!" I yelled. "Everybody! Run!"
We dashed even faster down the alleyway, before turning off into a section between two stores. We dived into one, and, when we got up, realized it was a porn store. "Sammy, don't look." whispered Mutahar, covering SammyClassicSonicFan's eyes.
"What the frick is it? I wanna frickin' see!"
"No, you don't."
I explored the store, seeing such titles as "Супер Фантастическая щупальце оргия 3 : Месть Кракена", which roughly translated to "Super Fantastic Tentacle Orgy 3: Revenge of the Kraken". I sighed, and slumped over onto the ground.
"Mark, how far away are we from the train station?" asked Mutahar.
Mark pulled out a GPS, and inputted the address to the train station. "We're only half a mile away. We could easily make it through."
"Alright!" said Jon, standing up. "Let's go!"
We all stepped out of the store, and continued to walk down the alley. Occasionally we'd hear yelling in Russian, and footsteps, but no soldiers would come our way. Once, we saw 'Брошенный SHREK', or 'ABANDONED BY SHREK' written in hyper realistic blood on the wall, but nothing else.
Eventually, we found the train station. A couple dozen guards defended the entrances, and even more were inside. I chucked a rock away from the back door, and the guards walked towards it. We speed walked into the building, and were shocked by what we saw. Inside stood Shrek and Donkey, having shrex! I was disgusted by the sight, I nearly vomited. On a nearby pedestal sat a large golden onion.
"There it is!" whispered Mutahar. "The Sacred Onion, the only thing that could defeat Shrek forever!"
I cautiously took a step forwards, and noticed that several guards were fapping to the revolting display in the center of the room. I felt the bile rising in my throat, as I stealthily grabbed the Sacred Onion.
The second I grabbed it, sirens blared and guards began to pour into the room. The team ran out, guns blazing, as I dashed towards Shrek with the Sacred Onion in my hands. He slapped me across the room with his powerful ogre hands, and the Onion went flying. It hit Sammy on the head, stunning him and allowing a guard to fill him with 7.62. He fell to the ground, air escaping his lungs.
"SAMMY!" Mutahar yelled. "Sammy! Speak to me!"
"L-Looks like those frickin' fricks got me, guys."
"Don't worry Sammy! We can save you! Just stay with me!"
"N-No, it's too frickin' late for me, you fricks." Sammy wagged his finger in the air, and coughed up a bit of blood. His body fell limp, and he went cold.
Mutahar screamed at the top of his lungs, and went berserk. He massacred the remaining guards in his fit of rage, emptying an entire magazine into Donkey. Eventually, all that was left was Shrek, standing there, horrified at the massacre that just took place. Jon picked up the Sacred onion off the ground, and stared at Shrek. He sped towards him, and leaped into the air, yelling his signature battle cry. "I AIIIIIIIIIIIN'T HAVIN' THAT SHIT!"
Shrek punched him in the face, and sent him flying towards Markiplier, Onion in hand. They collided, and Jon crashed into the concrete wall, dying on impact. Markipler died with him. Mutahar shakily got up, prying the onion from Jon's cold, dead hands. I ran behind Shrek, and emptied an entire magazine of 9mm into his skull, stunning him temporarily. Mutahar ran towards the dazed ogre, and slam dunked the Sacred Onion onto his head. In a brilliant flash of light, he exploded, leaving behind a blood soaked Mutahar and a small onion. He crushed it under his boot, and dropped the onion, falling to his knees.
I walked towards him, and knelled next to him. "Mutahar?"
"What do you want?"
"I just wanted to say... good job, kid. You saved the day."
"T-Thanks." He sniffled.
"So, should we go?"
"Y-Yeah. Let's get out of here before more guards come." He got up, and just before we left the room, the ceiling blew open, and a large wall of text descended from the sky. It read, 'What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.', written in rainbow Comic Sans MS. Mutahar's heart stopped, and he immediately died. Comic Sans were his weakness, after all. I grabbed the onion off the ground, and ran towards the door. I burst out of the train station, and sped down the streets.
In the distance, I saw Jack's taxi, still on. I ran even faster hearing bullets whiz past my head. I dived into the car, and told him to get moving.
We sped off, and Jack opened a portal that led me right back to my house. We skidded down the street, and came to a stop in my mom's petunia garden. "Aww, she's gonna be pissed!" I yelled, before getting out of the cab, and walking into the forest behind my house. I built four wooden crosses out of sticks, a memorial to my fallen comrades. I saluted, and stabbed my MP5 into the ground, placing my Gunnars on the stock, and burying the Sacred Onion next to it.
I returned to my room, and went back to my computer. I saw that the folder was replaced with a text file that simply read, 'Dear James
If you are reading this, then you found the Sacred Onion! Congratulations! You killed Shrek, and the prophecy was right! I hope that the adventure was an amazing one, because I put a lot of work into it!
With Love, BEN'
I got up off of my chair, and flopped onto my bed, slipping into a deep, deep slee--
I woke up in my bed, with no sign of yesterday even happening. Had it all been a dream?
Before I could make a decision, I heard a knocking at my window. Outside was BEN, staring back at me. He winked, and disappeared.
I sighed. It hadn't been a dream. "God damnit!" I kicked a wall, leaving a sizable dent in it.
As I write this, I am slowly dying due to cancur, b0ss, I can feel myself moving towards the light, and the smell of weed fills my lungs.
I am so, so happy.
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