Dingwall

Dingwall (Inbhir Pheofharain Orsaheen Leichthat in Scots Gaelic) is a sprawling metropolis and former Royal Burgh in the Highlands of Scotland and was built purely to annoy the citizens of Inverness which is 12 miles south of the town. Because of its vast expanse it is often referred to as "The New York of the Highlands". It is situated on the banks of the River Peffery and the shores of The Cromarty Fifth.
All of the town’s citizens hate living in Dingwall and want to live in either Inverness or Glasgow, but Maggie Patterson, the Mayor of Dingwall, will not allow anyone to leave. Those who do manage to escape from the town are always lured back with promises of riches and good crack, but this is a lie. In Dingwall there are no riches and there is no crack.
Dingwall is the fastest growing hovel in the world, and with an incredible 30000 sheds being built every day, scientists have predicted that Dingwall will engulf the entire planet by the year 2132. When this happens Dingwall will spread to the moon then to Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto then ontowards the sun covering venus and mercury.
Dingwall was originally founded by Macbeth in 10 A.D. and was called Macbethville until the year 108 A.D, when the Vikings arrived for a holiday. The Vikings liked Macbethville so much that they decided to buy the town from Macbeth for two bags of shells and a handful of salt, which they thought was very good value. After their takeover, the Vikings transformed Macbethville into a holiday camp and renamed the town to Viklins. Viklins proved to be very popular and people would come from far and wide for a one week summer holiday where they could enjoy sports such as knobbly knees contests, three legged races, chucklefish throwing, bandy legs competition and gurning. Viklins continued to be popular until 840 A.D. until the arrival of the Tinks who were experts at avoiding bill payments and refused to leave. The Tinks stayed and bred eventually taking over Viklins and some of the surrounding area and eventually the name of Viklins was changed to Tinkwell. Due to the incomprehensible language the Tinks spoke, the name Tinkwell was often mistaken for Dingwall, which it has been know as to this very day.
Ever since Dingwall was built purely to annoy Inverness there has always been a huge rivalry between the two towns. This came to a head during closing time on April 16, 1746 when a Dingwall gadge called an Invernesian a tink. This resulted in the two towns gathering on each end of Culloden Moor where they shouted bad names and doing the V sign at each other (some even did the middle finger). The Dingwall gadge and the Invernesian who he called a tink eventually ended up wrestling each other and scrambling about amongst the heather. Eventually the Hanovarians arrived to break the incident up and chase everyone home to their beds. The haunting chants of "COOOOOUUUUNNNNT-AAAAAY!" and "UP THE AAAAAAAAAYYYEEE SSSEEEE TEEEEEEA" can still be heard echoing through the moor to this very day
==Maggie "Popeye" Patterson==
Maggie Patterson is the mayor of Dingwall, she is easily recognisable by the Krankies tattoo on her forehead, eye patch, her belming facial features and Popeye sounding voice. Maggie Patterson has been secrectly creating an army of clones which she has been passing off as her children for many years now, with the aim of taking control of Tulloch castle. She spends most of her time attending openings of new local shops, saying "It's terrible that.......should have to put up with this sort of thing...." and trying to get her face squeezed in between the adverts in the North Star (the local newspaper). She got the job as mayor after she managed to lure Red Peter in to a box with a can of Special Brew in it, she trapped him and microwaved him for 30 minutes on full power, reducing Peter to a fine powder that she used to grit her path with. Maggie is notorious for her rum and real ale drinking binges and can regularly been seen in local bars knocking back triples and downing pints of Orkney Skull Splitter. 
Each morning she wakes the citizens of Dingwall with her air raid siren at 4am and gathers them outside the town hall, where her sports counselor, Jackie Sutherland stands on the balcony ordering them to do gym for 2 hours. If any citizen turns up for gym without their proper kit he forces them to wear a pair of torn, sharn stained shorts five times too small for them. But if the citizen refuses to wear the shorts, he punishes them with a ten side essay on why they should not turn up for daily gym improperly attired.
Maggie regularly travels to great booze-ups throughout the Highlands and Islands, where she dines in the finest of restaurants, knocks back rum, downs pints of Orkney Skull Splitter in the most premium of pubs, and stays in the most luxurious of hotels - running up bills that total up to tens of thousands of pounds which she cannot afford to pay. So in 1977, she introduced the 'Maggie Patterson good time tax' to the Dingwall citizens, where each citizen is charged £900 a month to fund her lavish lifestyle.
Due to Dingwall’s near galactic status, and attempted the hostile takeover of Tulloch Castle. The mayor of Dingwall, Maggie Patterson has been secretly developing a terminator like weapon, he is known only as Semtex, his mission is to brainwash the citizens of Dingwall into believing that Dingwall is good craic. He can normally be found at various public houses within walking distance of Maggie's headquarters and can be easily be recognised through his sporran like facial features, dulcet tones and incoherent ramblings of Dingwall's nonexistent rail network to the rest of the Galactic Empire. Once he has a target in sight he homes in like an exocet missile so there is no escape from engaging in conversation about his favourite subject which is Dingwall. Semtex's best Friend is The Glover.
On the week ending Saturday, June 9, 2007, Maggie Patterson said to the local newpaper "I don'tsk drinksk the rum. I guzzlesk the stuff insteadsk, I don'tsk believesk in dinksking it. I really can'tsk getsk enoughsk of it. If it wasn'tsk for the rum I wouldn'tsk have gotsk wheresk I amsk today." "In factsk, tomorrowsk I am going to imposesk a law thatsk every mansk, womansk and childsk drink threesk bottlesk of rumsk each everyday, I tellsk ya, uuugg! guug! guuuug! guuugah!".
==Transport==
Dingwall boasts a railway station, several bus stops and a road that leads north, south, east and west. Many visitors to Dingwall are fooled into believing that the road and railway are routes into Dingwall but little do they know that they are actually the way out.
Thanks to the fantastic bus services in the Highland Region, a bus can be caught every 30 seconds from Dingwall to anywhere in the world, all Highland Busses are fueled by piping hot broth and porridge. However, the railway service in Dingwall is not as efficient as the bus service, this partly due to the trains only being available every 20 years to either Wick or Kyle Maclachlan. 
To access the Railway Station platform, you have to pass the mallard, a giant duck which has taken up residence next to the station. The mallard is an extremely aggressive duck that spends most of its time drunk, the more drunk the mallard gets the louder it becomes and its quacking can be heard for miles around. Sometimes after a particularly heaving alcohol binge the mallard will challenge any passer-by to a fight and it never loses. Anyone foolhardy enough to take up the mallard’s challenge will get their head kicked in. So, due to mallard’s presence, not may people will go near the station; anyone who does is not considered brave, they are considered a fool.
==Nuclear Missiles==
Dingwall is the launch site of Scotland's little known about stash of ground-based nuclear missiles. They were apparently commissioned when Alex Salmond got drunk and, in a hastily covered up escapade, spent millions of Scottish government funding in one fateful night. This is rumoured to be the reason that the Scottish government is broke. The country found itself with 1000 trident ICBMs and nowhere to put them, so they had to think of a place to store them, and where better than somewhere no-one sane would ever go. So unbeknownst to the locals, who thought it was just a gang of junkies who got confused and accidentally made their way to the tory side of town, the parachute regiment was commissioned (at the cost of Scottish government) to construct a ruined castle overnight.
The new castle was imaginatively named 'Dingwall castle', and was covered up by some ridiculous fake backstory - Something about Macbeth. The move of the missiles was strategically placed on Saturday Morning so that the rumbling of the trucks wouldn't be noticed by the drastically hung-over locals. They needn't have bothered, however, because Dingwall residents get pissed every night. They were installed under the doocot of the newly built castle, which can open on a sophisticated system somewhat like Tracey island fashioned out of some pieces of old railway track that were found lying around, a whisky barrel and some IRN BRU cans.
 
The Confidential secret location was discovered by Dingwall Academy students, who during a particularly boring RE lesson discovered a government official's youtube channel, in which was a shaky, hand recorded video of the test launch of one of the trident ICBMs. It is believed that the missile landed somewhere near Alness, leaking dangerous toxins into the air, but the locals didn't seem to notice. Alness was already a hazardous wasteland and had been ever since the early 900BC, making it the second ever incident of air pollution after prehistoric Scunthorpe. in its current position, if a missile was fired today it would land directly on Inverness leisure centre, leading many to think that locals have interfered with the missile trajectory.
The nuclear missile said in an exclusive interview "oon minit I was 'bout to smesh uh' 'ome Invernesian skunks bu' t'en suddenly I 'ad teh 'udd'n urhge oo 'et i' ri' on Al'ess, wich aint smoh bad 'ut In'er'ess lehshure centre ood 'ave been so popp'n comparred to tat," The missile would have spoken for longer with our correspondent but it had to leave to get married to a goat called Betsy who he had been engaged with for over 15 years. There are no eye witness accounts of this event and the church and nearby 10-mile vicinity is currently under quarantine.
Nicola Sturgeon has since denied any allegations that the nukes exist, to evade their capture and assimilation into the Russian arsenal. A Kremlin spokesperson, when asked about these events remarked "what's Scotland?"
The only place where the truth about these dark secrets can be discussed truly is in the back of a dark Dingwall alley where no self-respecting Russian citizen will go because it smells stronger of urine, feces and other human waste products than the entirety of Moscow combined. In these alleys there is a secret society of Alness evacuees, those who were driven from their homes by radiation, that squat under doorways at night and are disregarded by the Dingwall natives who try to take the lungs of these urchins for decoration. The refugees from Alness are well known for their hat-making skills and addiction to smoking asphalt chipped off the road. The FILTH society (failed in life, try hatmaking) has now (time of writing 2021) grown to a population of 9.8 million due to extensive inbreeding ever since the organisation was founded in 2015.Over 500 new swear words have been invented by the Filth society, most notably:
*'forbelweeder' - a grotesque way to describe a overweight gardener who grows forblesmorbles (a rare plant that has mutated from what once was daffodils but turned into this strange plant in the radioactive wasteland.) These gardeners typically are addicted to the smoke that the flower produces when burnt on the back of an old maths textbook. This addiction can lead to madness and in some severe conditions, voting lib dems
*'Nunk' - hairy scrotum beards
*'Skunkples' - cheese that has remained in the left pocket of a Dingwall joiner for several months, used in conjunction with Nunk (see above) to form the insult "your mother is a redacted for vulgar content by the Dingwall parliament after many citizens found this extremely offensive and has led to over 37 suicides and that's where the sugar went."
*'Invernesian' - the worst insult after 'Bit German'. Self explanatory.
Dingwall to this day remains the third largest nuclear power after Stoke on Trent and Luxembourg.
==Sport==
===Ross County Football Club===
Ross County FC is Dingwall’s football team and each Saturday millions of supporters travel to Dingwall to watch their favourite team play a game of football. 
When playing football, instead of kicking a ball, Ross County prefer to kick an old IRN BRU can. This tradition dates back to the year 1895 when the team accidentally kicked their pig skin ball in to Granny Sookers’ garden. Granny Sookers refused to give the ball back and burst it with a knitting needle. Colin Storn, the manager of the team, could not afford to buy Ross County a new ball and ever since that day, Ross County Football Club have played the beautiful game with an old empty IRN BRU can.
Ross County are already in their first Scottish Cup final ever and that has co-incided with the formation of the Clandestine Sprinter Firm a group of casual supporters who will group together to ensure...
 The Dundee minks will get hammered if they try to steal our goats .
Ross County were the most skilled football team on the entire planet, much of their skill was taught to them by the legendery Jackie 'Springers' Sutherland whom passed on his famous 'Jackie shuffle' trick to them. Despite this, they are renowned for losing many games and in the year 2007 the team were relegated to the 2nd division of the World Cup league. Most people believe this to be due to the team’s lack of football ability. But in actual fact, Ross County let this happen on purpose just to give all other football teams in the world a chance. In the year 2012, scientists predict that Ross-County will be entered in to the World Cup and win 104 – 98 against Pelé.
However, their moment in the glory was short lived, as their caravan was scavenged for parts (and illicit drugs) by a local pikey, this resulted them being relegated out of the league for being unable to attend away fixtures. Following this, they joined the Championshit, where their bitter (and significantly better) rivals, Inverness, reside. Against all the odds, they were promoted out of the league, ahead of equally junkie side, Scumdee United.
Due to a AIDS outbreak in the team, they have all been sent to dingwall memorial hospital in which their sexual tendencies will be accessed. Unfortunately the manager was the culprit for this truly sexual sin. RIP bozo.:)
==Entertainment & Leisure==
In Dingwall there is a wide array of entertainment to keep the citizens happy and the visitors and tourists bemused:
===Restaurants and Bars===
====Tulloch Castle====
Tulloch Castle is Dingwall’s most remote entertainment establishment and is situated on the Dingwall moors high above the town. It is Dingwall’s most exclusive dining establishment, bar and hotel and is regularly host to many famous celebrities such as Bernie Clifton, Dead Bob Hope and The Littlest Hobo. 
The castle's restaurant is famous for its exotic cuisine. When dining expect to see dishes on the menu such as Scorpion l'Orange, Dog and Kidney Casserole, Eigthteen Pounds Fifty Beans on Toast and Cheese and Egg Pie. Foul mouthed celebrity cook, Gordon Ramsay regularly dines at Tulloch Castle and in 2004 he was reported to have said "Gordon Bennet! I blinking love the flipping castle's blooming grub. I just flipping ate an entire blinking roast swan and and it was flaming great. I'd corking eat here every flipping day if I blooming could. The flipping nosh here is better than anything I could corking knock up. Stoat!".
Tulloch castle has a resident ghost known as Green Casper and is a hive of supernatural activity. During the night, Green Casper roams the corridors of the castle, rattling chains and letting out agonising wails. No one has ever managed to stay an entire night in one of the castle's rooms and guests can regularly been seen fleeing the castle in an attempt to escape the ghostly menace, but their attempts to escape are futile and always end in a grizzly demise. If you manage to survive a night at Tulloch Castle you are entitled to a free night's board, a slap up fried breakfast of ghost bacon, eggs and sausages all supplied by one of Dingwall's ghost butchers and your bill will be wiped clean. 
Are you brave enough to spend a night in Tulloch Castle? Book a room and find out.
====The Mallard Bar====
Formerly known as "The Shunters" and "The Refresh", The Mallard is Dingwall's answer to an Irish themed chain pub, and is infact owned by such. The Mallard as it is now known, was opened by popular local businessman Michael Hutchence in 1998 and was independently run as a top-notch watering hole and eatery, and was even greater than the county tavern is now.
Sadly, after Hutchence was found dead with a dodgy strap-on in 2001, The mallard was hi-jacked by Donnie the Fox of Inverness who was keen to adopt the pub to fill the role of "poor country cousin". Punters and staff alike have been brutally exploited and oppressed ever since. 
In 2005 local tribesmen attempted a bold coup which would have regained control of this strategic outpost pub, alas this was thwarted when Donnie the Fox dispatched a band of bounty hunting bouncers to sort-out the rebels with numerous brutal burshtings. The owners also set it upon themselves to hire Denise DeVille as the Manager who makes it her lifes work to see that no-one can or ever will enjoy a night out in this usually nice bar. Interesting mallard facts:
*The Mallard bar is of a horse-shoe/island design which allows the staff to hide round the other side and avoid serving anyone, whilst filing their nails and blethering.
*Customers can expect to wait up to one hour to be served when the bar is about quarter full.
*Expect to be chucked-out at around 9pm on weeknights when it is either quiet or when the staff cannot be arsed and want home to watch big brother.
*On Fridays and Saturdays last-orders are at 12 and 11 respectively. Beware as the ploy is to sell you drink then allow no drinking-up time.
*Have fun trying to spot such characteristic features as the missing footrail, the smelly spewings table, the bar-stool with no arm rest and toilet graffiti about gay transexual Pete and his heterosexual husband.
====The Commercial Bar====
Dingwall’s finest Bar/ Bistro. With its authentic décor of yesteryear, when you set foot through the door you’ll think you’ve been transported back in time to 1975. The aromatic smell of stale beer, wet dog and urine all mixed in to one are guaranteed to get your mouth watering. You’ll be greeted by the land lady, Jennie; a pleasant, cheery 145 year old hag with a mass of frizzy, ginger hair a top her head.
Once you have dined on a bag of fishy tasting pork scratchings and half a bag of Tesco value salt flavoured crisps washed down with vodka and flat lemonade, why not take a relaxing seat in the snug which is situated that the back of the bar. The snug features foam padded seats with a genuine PVC coverings and if you’re lucky, and she isn’t too busy serving her customer warm cloudy lager, Jeannie will join you and tell you confusing tales about Polish people, ‘Dirty Weekers’, the police being called to her bar and how she had to fling someone out.
The jukebox is free and music can be available upon request, and contains the ever favouries best selling hits by Calum Kennedy and Jimmy Shand. However, the free jukebox is only available for the use of customers who Jeannie takes favour upon, and are willing to listen to her amusing anecdotes about her war with Chritine 'the brawler' McFee and her army of five thousand.
Local legend has it that Jeanie washes the glasses with an enormous pair of 100 year old yellowing, stained knickers that she also uses to clean to toilet, windows, floor and her face with. She heartily refutes the claim, saying: "how can I wash the glasses with knickers when I don't wear any!". But despite this Jeannie's knickers are the most famous knickers in the land and people come from near and far to try and get a glimpse of them.
====The Rock (Now Closed)====
The Rock was a giant, hollowed out boulder situated in the centre of the town and was a popular Dingwall hotspot. After 10pm on a weekend, the citizens of Dingwall gathered inside The Rock and scampered through to the back of the estabishment to a small square outdoor area, measuring 10 foot by 10 foot, there they enjoyed smoking tobacco and shouting. Inside The Rock, Dingwall Citizens enjoyed listening to sounds so loud that their ear drums burst and stuff came out. This is why, every time you ask a Dingwall citizen a question they answer with "EEEEEEEEHHHH?". Between the hours of 1am and 3am the sport of boxing could be seen just in front of The Rock where you could witness Dingwall citizens staggering about smashing bottles on each others heads much to the delight of the watching bouncers.
====The Picture House====
The Picture House is the newest addition to the Dingwall pub scene. It has put in place of the Rock which rolled away after it got tired of sex and drugs. On a Friday night, the Picture House does not let you in unless you have photographic identification, proving that you are under 18. Most nights the staff like to tease customers in the bar by playing the "lets see how drunk they are" game where you will find that the same 2 rounds of drinks will never cost the same. On Saturdays the Picture House hosts a Karaoke night, where all the best singers in the land come to try their hand at singing in front of Dingwall's very own version of Simon Cowell. Karaoke is followed by set from a fresh dingwall DJ, who is reputed to have a both discs of "Now That's What I Call Music! 16". No wonder he draws in big Dingwall names such as Don Cowie, Jimmy Mooney and Alexander Van Hoffindimereskinbobbin!
When entering The Picture House on a Saturday afternoon, potential customers will be greeted by a television showing the low budget MTV clone channel TMF - displaying some pop music tripe. As they venture one metre further into the premises, they will be hailed by another television also showing the low budget MTV clone channel TMF also displaying some more pop music tripe. One metre further, the potential customer will enter a small, gloomy, cheaply furnished wooden arena which contains five hundred televisions glued to the walls with sweat. Everywhere they look they will have TMF in their face screaming, bellowing and howling at them. If, at the point of entrance to the arena, panic and an extreme sense of depression doesn't overwhelm them, the potential customer will order a drink of something substandard or a lukewarm coffee, drink half of it then make no excuses and swiftly, without haste, making exit of the hole, leaving behind half of whatever below standard refreshment they bought.
Why does The Picture House have so many televisions?
No one really knows. However, a study performed by Highland Council scientists suggests that the more television an individual is exposed to, that individual will have a lower thought process. Due to the lowered thought process, the individual will be more likely to drink in The Picture House and consume substandard beer, watered down vodka followed by popular Dingwall pastimes such as taking their clothes off in public, partaking in a during/ post pub fight, vomiting blue liquid and shouting in the street.
Highland Council considers these activities to be good as it gives Dingwall police something else to do other than sitting around looking for boy racers driving around in their mums Renault Clios and Ford Fiestas.
What else does The Picture House have to offer?
*An over priced faux retro British Legion Space Invaders machine.
*Vibrators in the Mens’ Toilets.
====The National Hotel====
The National Hotel is one of Dingwall's finest boarding houses and is managed by Camp Petey Skitters, the gayest gay in Ross-Shire. The National Hotel serves meals 47 hours a day and the menu includes local delicacies such as Swordfish, mince, tripe in hog sauce, lambs lungs, chucklefish and chips and gravy. If you see nothing on the menu that takes your fancy the hotel is quite happy to order food from one of Dingwall's finest takeaways, which include pizza takeaway, chinkees, chipper dinner and Indian takeaway.
When it comes to drinking, you can enjoy sitting at the bar for up to 40 minutes while you wait for Camp Petey Skitters to finish chatting up the chef before he serves you. If you are lucky enough to get a pint Camp Petey Skitters will sit stand opposite you and spout double entendres at you in an attempt to turn you limp wristed, while you down a lovely warm pint of something you didn't order because Camp Petey Skitters got a bit confused between the Guinness and the Lager.
====The County Tavern====
The County Tavern is Dingwall's greatest bar. On November 3rd, 2003, Jimmy Waddle (The County Tavern's resident dancer) tap danced to the song 'Sweet Caroline' for an entire week, thus escalating The County Tavern in to areas of greatness that go beyond the field of great. Three days later scientists declared that nothing can possibly be greater than the greatness of The County Tavern. Due to it's vast accumulation of greatness which goes beyond great, The County Tavern was hailed by Norris McWhirter as being the greatest thing ever and he rewrote the Guinness Book of Records. Ever since then nothing has ever beaten the County Tavern in greatness, and to this very day, if you open up a recent edition of the Guinness Book of Records the only thing you will read in it is the phrase "The County Tavern is the great thing ever and nothing can beat it".
On the 26th October, 2006 disaster stuck The County Tavern. The bar's two water jugs went missing. The owner of the bar, Ronaldson Graham was so devastated at the disappearance of the jugs that he wept tears of great sadness. Ronaldson wept so much his tears flooded Dingwall, causing what has become known as "Ronaldson Graham's Jugs Remembrance Day". Fortunately this did not affect the greatness of The County Tavern.
That is all that can be said about the County Tavern, to understand its greatness you have to experience it.
====The Caley Bar====
The Caley bar is Dingwall's most haunted pub. It is said that the ghost of Johnny Cash can be seen there at various times throughout the week challenging visitors to the pub to a game of dominoes. The ghostly spectre of his bloated corpse may also be seen dressed entirely in black traversing the high street from the Caley Bar to Ladbrokes across the road and back again, usually with a half smoked Richmond superking stuck behind his ear. His ghost used to be resident in The County Tavern until Ronaldson Graham called in the local bishop of Dingwall to exorcise him for turning the television over to Springwatch on BBC2 without permission.
====The Ross-Shire Club====
The Ross-Shire Club is a strictly 'members only' club due to the amount of famous patrons wishing to keep a low profile such as Emmerdales ex teenage heart-throb David Glover to name but one who sometimes does a guest appearance behind the bar. When not behind the bar 'The Glover' prefers to glower and swear at other members. Strictly no tinks, wuds or minks allowed in. The last tink whom tried to force his way into the bar was prompltly scared of by the profanities said to be coming from 'The Glover'. 'The Glover'can also be hired as a wedding cake decorator and will be more than happy to decorate your wedding cake with "Maggie 'Popeye' Patterson blesses the wedding of you pair o radges" on it . Rumour has it multi media tycoon and billionare Rupert Murdoch is attempting a hostile takeover of The Ross-shire club in an attempt to gain a foothold in Dingwall thus expanding his empire to Galactic status once Dingwall takes over the entire Galaxy although we believe Richard Branson is planning a counter takeover attempt which would finally give Dingwall a long awaited Virgin. If you are served short measures or funny tasting lager then fear not, the Ross-Shire Club comes with its very own sporran faced union rep who can be found propping up the bar engaging in pointless conversation with whoever is unfortunate enough to find themselves sitting next to him, and he will only be to happy to take up your case and ensure you get what you are entitled to. Its also worth noting that if you dial 999 for the fire service, you will be connected directly to The Ross-shire club.
====Oscar's Bar====
Oscar's Bar is owned by non other than Ireland's favourite son Martin. Martin found himself in Dingwall after a long voyage which started in his own back garden in County Tyrone. Whilst attempting to break the record of the worlds largest shamrock shaped bubble Martin found himself trapped inside one and drifted across the Irish sea to Dingwall where his bubble was promptly burst by Mayor Maggie 'Popeye' Patteson who thought Dingwall was under attack by little green men from far off places. After a pigs laying on from Maggie, Martin was allowed to stay but only if he could guarantee that should Dingwall come under attack from Inverness, he could guarantee more off his little green friends from far off places would come and stand with Maggie in a battle to the Peff. To this day you can find Oscars Bar full of 'Martins' army, ready to stand by Maggie in her hour of need especially on Saturdays (but only if Celtics game's on PoleSat) where they enjoy some kind of warm drink brewed straight from the peat bogs of Ireland. If you are lucky enough to find yourself there you can be rest assured the wuds are probably outside ready to take your car away and give it to the scrappies for easy sheckles even though there is bugger all wrong with it, but dont worry they can have there're chucklefish supper in Renatos car park in they're Leyland Sherpa with L-plates on it at your expense. DANGER! You should never attempt to stop these wuds, as they will threaten you with Big Robbie or Big George from down the road who will put you in bits.
==Dingwall Leisure Centre (or The Sporty)==
Why not go for a relaxing swim in Dingwall Lesuire centres Olympic sized swimming pool. This pool was created for The Midget Olympic games which were hosted in Dingwall in 1964 after beating of stiff competition from Alness. Recently refurbished to now include chlorine for the water and cubicles the staff can't see under anymore along with the aquafloom which is switched on once every eclipse, you are sure to have a good time. If you fancy a bite to eat after your relaxing swim why not try the delicaces of the upstairs cafe which include curry supernoodles and soft biscuits at 4 squid a pop. The lesuire centre also has it's own gym where you are welcome to come and work out in the company of other likeminded spandex clad men. You can also hire the indoor 5 a-side /Badmington/Cricket/Whatever else you want to use it for area for a nominal fee of £800 per hour, just dont wear trainers with black soles or you'll get a pure jarring from the staff.
==Exports==
*Football Players (Mainly trading with Inverness).
*Jeannies special Tangy Bitter.
*Depression in a Jar.
*Sacked football managers
*Wuds.
*Tinks.
*Minkers.
*Lordy Coffs.
*Misheard gossip.
*Radges
*Bella one eye
*Weathergirls with fake Glasgow accents (Go on, say Naaat!)
*Perverts
*Guffies
*Pocket dust
*Female sperm for gay men
*Jiff (Dingwall refused to accept 'Ciff' as a product)
*The recipe for Creamola Foam
*Shaghead and Spunkbubble - the gruesom wrestlers from under Tulloch Castle.
*Gay Men (Mainly exported to Glasgow where it is safe for them to 'come out')
*A range of drugs, many of which are badly produced and/or cheaply made with filler product, such as ceiling popcorn and plaster, both of which are readily available delicacies to the council hoose dwelling stinkers. This is one of the many reasons most of the populous opt to swimming the Moray Firth to Merkinch in Inverness to smuggle higher quality stuff back to Dingwall.
*Balls
==Language==
Dingwall has an ancient and mysterious language know as The Dingwall Cant, it is similar to English but has some unique words and phrases. He are a few examples:
*Chore - To steal. Man "Thems a pure barrie pair oa' trainersh yiv got on there" Burglar - "Aye, like. Ah pure chored them from Woolies."
*The Crack - The same as the craic but not as exciting.
*Deek - Look. Eg. "Ow wow coff, Deek 'i manishee wi the size ten trods" meaning look at that woman with big feet.
*Guffey - A fool. "Aaah'm not getteen on no plane, guffey", Mr T in Dingwall.
*Jackie shuffle - To outwit someone with your skills of faking dragging your foot over the football whilst hitting a 1st year school boy.
*Lordy Coff - A dirty, smelly poor person who would probably eat chewing gum that he/she has chiseled off the pavement and wears the same pants for two months.
*Maahhaarraaarr - Mother.
*Minker - A dirty, smelly poor person who would probably spit chewing gum on the pavement then chisel it off and eat it again.
*Moff - Big/ something very good e.g. "ya should pure shee wot ah did to ma Renilt Kleeo an' tha'. Itsh pure shooaaaund, itsh pure got a moff shpoiler an' itsh pure moff. An ah lowred the shushpenshin, an that. An' itsh got a moff eggausht, pure cherry bomb. Shaaaaound. Pure moff, mun. - A Dingwall boy racer discussing how powerful his 1.2 litre car is.
*Shandeekan - Crazy/Weird e.g "Ow wow coff, Deek 'i Shandeekan maaaanashee/gudgie"
*Hort - To go fast.
*Whappers - Tits
*Wud/wuddie/waaad/waaaaddie/wuddiebuck - A dirty, smelly poor person who would probably eat chewing gum that he/she has chiseled off the pavement.
*burrer(say it like it spelt) - Butter
*Sheesht! That was brilliant you old bean. A lovely turn of phrase. Another classic witty dingwall quip. Meaning 'Yes' or 'Tell me about it' 'You konw yourself coff.
For a more extensive list of Dingwall's fertile language see The Dingwall Cant.
==Interesting Facts==
*Dingwall is one of the few towns in the world that can appear in more than one place at the same time. Currently, Dingwall is appearring in three different places all at the same time in Ross-Shire - Scotland, Cape Breton - Nova Scotia and Victoria - Australia.
Each of these Dingwalls look and smell exactly the same.
*Dingwall can fly.
*Dingwall knows what you are doing.
*Dingwall, there is no escape. No matter how long you have lived away from Dingwall and think you have escaped it, there is people you once had a pint with in the Shunters turning up at your door with no explanation of how they got your address. Wherever you travel in the world someone from Dingwall is there, allegedly working but actually signing on/ripping people off/drug trafficking. They never have money, will tap you and expect you to take them to the pub to get steaming.
*Dingwall has 94 Indian takeaways.
*Due to the dire state of the Dingwall men (tinks, wuds, gays, inbreds etc..), most Dingwall girls have turned into lesbians to fulfill some desperately needed affection. However, due to the dire state of the Dingwall women (tinks, wuds, gays, inbreds etc.) Most Dingwall lesbians have turned to non-lesbians to fulfill some desperately needed affection.
*If you pull a funny face in Dingwall it will stay like that, you don't have to wait for the wind to change.
*During the great wheat famine of 1532, Dingwall was baked and served up to the Swedish. The Swedes did not think much of it and sent it back, complaining that it tasted like shite. They decided to eat rotting sharks instead.
*Dingwall has 45 Chinese Takeaways.
*Dingwall has 2 Chucklefish and Chip shops.
*Dingwall has 57 Pizza takeaway premises.
*Dingwall is twinned with Bernard Mannings asshole.
*Dingwall has a tyre shop, which is run by small monkey like men, have adapted to modern tecnology and now have developed the ability to remove, and change all four car tyres, whilst smoking a fag and simeltaneously drinking coffee.
*When in Dingwall, the time of day is always time you got a watch.
*Dingwall has 9 ASBO'S against it.
*Dingwall has it's very own vauxhall Dealership where you can get your top of the line Corsa ruined by aftersales, Ignored by the staff and generally abused. Some say you can even buy a car. This is a lie.
*Dingwall was the first place in Scotland to have a dispersal order,
*In Dingwall no one can hear you scream. But strangely, your conversations can be overheard and churned into misheard gossip. Of course, gossip mongering is the main occupation of the citizens in Dingwall and many have made a life time career of it. Something whispered in the High Street (so called as anyone you meet on it is wasted) at 11:15 will have been to the Muir and back by 13:30 and have grown arms, legs and a second head.
*The second biggest occupation is the drugs trade. It is compulsory to take drugs in Dingwall as it is the only way to survive unless you are from Alness, which if is the case, Dingwall is almost heaven. Some would say that this should be employment by the Council but the words 'work' and 'Council employee' should never be used in the same sentence.
*As the Eskimos have over 150 words for snow, in Dingwall there are over 200 words for tinks. Some of these are found in the language section but the list is almost endless due to the proliferation of them in Dingwall and the surrounding area. Further examples include the Landed gentry, Macawadis, Archucks, the Erchies, the Barra Barra's and so on.
*Dingwall boasts a 'Poof Box', which is situated at the back doors of Dingwall Primary. Anyone who has broken a Dingwall by-law, such as not dropping their chip wrappers in the street, will be forced by the council in to the 'Poof Box' and they will instantly be transformed in to a screaming gaylord, thereforth they will be shunned and mocked by the entire town.
*Dingwall has 27 minibuses on a saturday set aside for community service, and 4 ice cream vans selling fags to the over 9's.
*Dingwall has it's own Bermuda triangle called Millbank, where anything that's not nailed down goes strangely missing.
*Everyone in Dingwall finishes every sentence with the word 'like' i.e "What like? like.".
*Dingwall people are born with a reflex that causes them to kill anyone that says you can buy better Haggis from another town.
*Dingwall has a youth team. They are called Dingwall Youth Team. They think they are proper schemish but instead just look like a bunch of arseholes.
*Walking on Dingwall high street is extremely dangerous as the amount of T's dropped by the locals are renowned for tripping people up.
==Nearby Places==
*Drunkenness
*Inverness
*Caithness
*Durness
*Ferness
*Skegness
*Alness
*Strathpefferville
*Mary's Bra
*Conon the Barbarian
*Loch Ussie
*Wudvergordon
==See also==
*The Dingwall Cant
*Highlands of Scotland
==External links==
*The National Hotel - click on camp Petey Skitters
*The North Star, apparently Ross-Shire's brightest. Dear lord, if I lived in Ross-Shire, I'd be worried.
Category:Towns in Scotland