Lewd Acts of the Apostles

As part of the New Testament Apocrypha Lewd Acts of the Apostles was a popular book within the Bible amongst early Christians. It is thought by Biblical scholars to have been first written between 65 and 100 . The book remained a standard part of the New Testament until 325, when it was removed due to Constantine's dislike of the word buttocks.
Lewd Acts tells the stories of the Apostolic Age, which the Christian Church most want people to forget – aside from pedophilia, crusades, inquisitions ad nauseam. The book is actually a collection of several stories, most beginning shortly before the . It is almost universally agreed that the author of Lewd Acts also wrote the Gospel of St. Ignatius.
While most of the stories were originally removed from the Bible, many were reintegrated into other parts. One such example is Revelation 22:7, a slightly modified quote from Jesus, who originally said "Behold, I come quickly: blessed is he that keepeth the faith while he waits for orgasm."
==The Last Bachelor Party==
Studied by Biblical scholars and imagined by scores of artists from medieval times to the modern world, The Last Bachelor Party is generally regarded as the most excellent account of The Man, Jesus Christ.
The Last Bachelor Party is best remembered as an insight into the Early Church's view of the communion rite, including an alternative interpretation of "eat of my flesh".
==The Masochism of Simon, the Zealot==
One of the most prominent and widely quoted books within Lewd Acts is that of The Masochism of Simon the Zealot. Master Eckhart, in his sermon on sin and redemption, quoted exclusively from The Masochism, stating that it was a template for all men to follow for a personal and immediate relationship with God.
And just as Simon reveled in pain of the lash, so too many modern-day Catholics continue to focus on the format of the Stations of the Cross as a method to attain spiritual and sexual release. Through meditating upon the chief scenes of Christ's suffering it has long been held that true adherents may suffer a "little death".
==The Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John==
The root of this act is believed to be the Golden Rule, which commands what one should always "do unto others".
Indeed during one of the many Church sex scandals of 2000, one Boston, Massachusetts, priest attempted to introduce the Masturbation of Matthew by Mark, Luke and John into evidence for himself, and was thus found not guilty of having an affair with an underage organ grinder's monkey.
==The Miracle of the Girlie-mag==
As Paul travelled amongst the people, he detailed a number of miracles that he had vaguely heard about, mostly second-hand tales from people who knew someone who had known Jesus personally.
==The Letter to the Sodomites==
Many a topic of many a sermon by many a preacher revolves around Paul's letters to the Sodomites. Perhaps the most well-known is the third.
Eventually, Paul's letters take a turn for the submissive, although not before he expresses his great hope "that you, my brothers and sisters, will take the Lord's words into your life, just as you have taken my member into your many orifices". Paul would later be martyred when he was beaten to death by a stone representation of the pagan god Priapus.
==In popular culture==
*It has been announced that a film version of the Lewd Acts of the Apostles is being co-written, co-produced and co-directed by Mel Gibson. Described as his most shocking work since 1990's Bird On A Wire with Goldie Hawn, it will star Jenna Jameson and Buck Naked, among others.
*The Feast of the Immaculate Contraception has long since become dogma within the Catholic Church. In 1858, teenage French nymphette Bernadette of Lourdes is believed to have seen a vision of Mary, Mother of God, with a crown of stars and nipple rings as described in Lewd Acts 21:12.
*Johnny Cash's 1963 hit "Ring of Fire" is believed to be based on Lewd Acts of the Apostles 4:1–22.
==See also==
*Our Ladyboy of Lourdes
Category:Bible
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