Tales From the Burgerverse: Yet Another Creepypasta Original Character

After both sides of the Live Action Conflict walked away because a skeleton popped out, Live Action Jeff 2.0 got a call from Corporate.
"Get a new actor for the fifth remake of the Jeff the Killer movie." He was told. "I don't care who it is, just get one. Get the one that'll make the most money."
"How am I supposed to tell?" Live Action Jeff 2.0 asked back. "I can't see the future."
"Just find someone." Corporate said back before hanging up.
Live Action Jeff 2.0 was left in a tough spot. He couldn't play as Jeff, considering he was made from computer parts from 2003. The 1.0 version is currently being reconstituted into a batch of McDonald's hamburger patties, so that was out of the question. Maybe he could do what any normal person would do: host an audition.
Using the lowest quality materials from the local Temu warehouse, Live Action Jeff 2.0 started to seperate the wheat from the chaff in terms of acting quality. Jeffikage Kira was immediately rejected for "looking like a fish." Hundreds of different actors, ranging from the mainstream to the unknown, all got the boot. Live Action Jeff 2.0 threw the clapboard at the wall in frustration, ranting about how none were good enough. In anger, he slammed a shiny red button built into his desk before putting his hand in a biometric scanner. He resorted to The Green Right Hand Protocol. In short, he's was going to put an emergency order on a Live Action Jeff version 1.0, using the dead skin layer on his hand.
"FINE! I'LL JUST MAKE MY OWN PERFECT ACTOR! AND IT'LL BE BETTER THAN THE REAL JEFF THE KILLER!" Live Action Jeff 2.0 yelled, slamming his other hand down.
A document file pulled up on his Macbook, which was the original script of Jeff the Killer: The Live Action Movie. Using the commands, control v and control c, he pasted it into the empty document file. He changed the name of Barbara to Suhmanthuh and Billy to Reighndee, he called it good enough and sent it to Corporate. Five minutes later, the emergency order arrived.
"Alright, you're now Jefferson the unhinged Psychopathic murderer. Some intern threw darts at a wall and that's what it landed on, in that order." Live Action Jeff 2.0 started before even opening the cargo crate. "Anyway, I got your script."
Jefferson looked at the sterile beige walls and floor, then at himself. "What is my purpose?"
"You make me money." Live Action Jeff 2.0 flatly answered before throwing the crowbar out the window in a haphazard fashion.
"Oh, my god." Jefferson wept, having his first existential crisis five minutes after being made.
"Better get used to it." Live Action Jeff 2.0 shrugged before slapping the rehashed script into Jefferson's hands. "Anyway, just do the absolute bare minimum for your part and you'll become world famous in no time."
Corporate called Live Action Jeff 2.0, who sighed and put the call on speaker.
Corporate began with its endless diatribe of bullshit with, "We love how creative and original your script is! Why haven't you sent us this sooner?"
"Secret of the trade." Live Action Jeff 2.0 groaned, lighting a cigar and putting it to his screen face to imitate smoking with. "I think we'll need a hundred million for CGI... and about thirty bucks for every other actor combined. Best budget we have."
A round of applause. Audibly forced cheering. All the same meaningless lies he'd come to expect. Jefferson the unhinged Psychopathic murderer was taken to the set to practice, which was just a bunch of blue tarps and some furniture purchased from Goodwill. The budget for the props was, to put it gently, tight.
"The table is missing a leg..." Jefferson said with worry, grabbing the blue painted ruler to make the computer generated knife.
Very little editing, save for the CGI, was done before the movie was rushed out to theaters and TV broadcasts. Jefferson, through the power of Mary Sue powers, became an overpowered mass killer because fuck you, that's why. The money came rolling in, that was until the plot required some conflict to happen. Jefferson had escaped and stabbed a ghost eighty thousand times within the span of one second. He out Mary Sue powered Mary Sue the Slasher, which caused many an outrage. The outraged people demanded that Mary Sue the Slasher be resurrected, since she was, without any doubt at all, Mary Sue.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN JEFF THE KILLER 5: SLASHER IN NOWHERETOWN ONLY GROSSED FIVE DOLLARS!?" Live Action Jeff 2.0 yelled into his handheld phone, the speakers peaking and gunked up woofers spewing dust. The reciever on the phone started hacking and wheezing the dust back into Live Action Jeff 2.0's monitor.
"Seems only one person purchased it, recoreded themselves and their friends watching it." The Reciever coughed. "About ten minutes in, they all got up and walked off the boat."
"O-o-o-o-o-" Live Action Jeff 2.0 stuttered as his circuits shorted momentarily. "Ok, I see. Just... get Jefferson to write a character bio on Tumblr or some shit. In fact, put it on the Creepypasta Wiki. They'll take anything that isn't well written."
"What do you mean, 'How are we going to make it poorly written?'? Simple. Use google translate."
"Jefferson the unhinged Psychopathic murderer is the ultimate monster of totally characters oregano. He can... excelsior his speeds to a hundred piles per hour... let's see here for the tragic backstory... he stabbed his mother for not baking chocolate chip cookies and then his pet rock fried because a car tan over it..." Live Action Jeff 2.0 muttered to himself as he read the fabricated past.
Jefferson walked into the office, head to toe caked in hyperrealistic blood and skeletons. He poked the wall and it fucking exploded. And then exploded again.
"I back. Me purposo esn akeknfeeoew/weti9/" Jefferson babbled as he melted into a viscous ooze.
"YOU! YOUR TERROR ENDS HERE, BASTARD!" Jeffikage Kira yelled, kicking the door down. "YOU'LL GO TO SLEEP!"
"Listen, I'm dealing with business regarding the movie based on you." Live Action Jeff 2.0 calmly said, mixing himself a cocktail.
"My.. movie?! YOU MADE THAT PIECE OF SHIT ABOUT ME?!" Jeffikage Kira screamed. "YOU AND YOUR GANG OF CORPORATE HACKS STORMED THE INTERNET AND STOLE IDEAS!"
Live Action Jeff 2.0 heeded not an ounce of attention, more focused on cleaning his computer parts. He ignored the heartfelt speech Jeffikage had prepared, instead drowning it out with the sounds of computer duster spray.
"You had my legacy ruined!" Jeffikage finished with.
"I'm... terribly sorry. I don't remember any of it." Live Action Jeff 2.0 apologized. "For you, the day... Sony... graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for us, it was Tuesday."
Jeffikage Kira gnashed his teeth in fury. He would get his rightous vengeance. He took his knife, and with his Mary Sue powers, he made a perfect slash straight at the cybernetic abomonation's chest. But alas, he didn't have the mythical artifact of Plot Armor. So instead his knife turned into a submarine sandwich.
"Damn, I just bought that off of eBay. You got relish all over it..." Live Action Jeff 2.0 sighed, the pixelated face in the monitor looking down at the stained Plot Armor. "That was like two week's pay."
Jeffikage Kira tried punching the monitor, but because of the Plot Armor, instead he punched himself in the dick. The Plot Armor was too much for him to bear.
"Damn... I gotta get someone to fix that wall. In the meantime, uh... go deal with customer service." Live Action Jeff 2.0 sighed as he shook his monitor head.
Jefferson sort of coagulated back together, albeit with three faces and one eye. His lower half is less of a solid and more of a gelatonous semi-solid. Using pseudopods to push himself, Jefferson the unhinged Psychopathic murderer approached Live Action Jeff 2.0 for help. Another shiny red button, this time implanted into a fishbowl, was pushed. Jefferson was pushed into a mold and liquifacted as a metallic endoskeleton was pushed in.
Unfortunately for Jefferson, Geoffryson the unglued Murdurous crazy walked in, the same as Jefferson before the modifications. Jefferson looked at his identical clone, the clone looked at him, and both of them simply melted as the circuitry inside them became irrerperably damaged.
"So that's what they're going to do to me..." Live Action Jeff 2.0 said to himself as the phone on his desk started to ring.
In an act of rebellion, Live Action Jeff 2.0 threw the phone into his fireplace. He didn't bother calling a repair, simply leaving the structural integrity into question before leaving.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Jeff the Killer
Category:Satire
Category:Stuff Blowing Up
Category:LONG ASS TITLE