A Malevolent Entity Has Taken Possession of My Anus and Forces Me to Shit Against My Will

Hello everybody, my name is David.
I am a family man with a wife and daughter.
I have an honest job and my hair is well-kept.
It all sounds great, right? Well, it was great until a god-damned evil spirit took possession of my anus and began forcing me to do shits whenever it liked. Before that I would mostly do poos sitting on the toilet, specifically with my pants down. Now it's almost the complete opposite of this.
It all began one day when I decided to deliberately defile an ancient and sacred burial ground. I crouched down where they buried their dead in order to relieve myself, when I happened to see a man running towards me screaming: "Hey, what are you doing!?"
"Taking a shit." I replied, as my log plopped on to the moss covered gravestone below me. "Have you seen the toilets here? They're very drafty and there's no hand sanitiser. At least outside I get to enjoy the view of the church."
I was escorted from the graveyard of St Mary's and informed that if I ever returned they would call the police. But even without police involvement, from that moment on, my life became a living hell. Whatever malevolent spirit there is that is associated with such places entered my anus and began living there rent free all because I shat on its holy land.
"Good morning, David. Would you like some coffee with your morning bacon and eggs?" Asked my wife, Barbara, to me one morning.
"Oh yes, that would be lovely." I replied. "I'll just take a shit first."
But before I could even get up from the breakfast table, the other power, that evil spirit within me, sprang into action. Immediately I shat my pants right there in front of my wife.
"David!" Said Barbara, my wife, in an accusatory manner. "You're supposed to get up and go to the toilet to do that."
"But it wasn't me, Barbara! I hadn't intended to do a shit right here at the breakfast table. It was the evil spirit that lives in my ass and makes me poo against my will!"
Barbara looked at me as if I was a bad man who had done something wrong.
Eventually, because of this predicament, I also lost my job, as every time my line manager told a joke, I would shit my pants. He took my behaviour as an intensely dedicated form of critique against his sexist sense of humour. But that of course had nothing to do with it. It's just that I was no longer in control of my anus and the evil spirit was taking vengeance against me, taking ownership of what I had once considered to be a rather pleasant pastime. When I tried to explain this all to HR, they too threatened to call the police.
"David, I'm leaving you and I'm taking Janey, our daughter, with me." Said Barbara to me one day. "You refuse to go to the doctor, you refuse to wear diapers, and you insist everything is caused by an evil spirit that lives inside your anus. But why would an evil spirit consistently make you shit yourself right when I ask you to mow the lawn, take Janey to school, or find a new job?"
"I told you, it likes to make me look bad!"
"Well, my sister knows a guy who hasn't shit himself in years and I'm going to go and start a new life with him."
"Barbara, wait." I said with tears in my eyes. But when she turned back to me one last time I wasn't able to speak. The evil spirit had of course seized the moment and was making me fill my pants with the hot warm essence of my soul.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Memes
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Potty Humor
Category:Demins and Debbils
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:Title that makes babbies laugh
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep