Samantha Mumba

Samantha Tamania Anne Cecilia Mumbai Mumba Numba Five (born 18 January 1983), usually referred to as just "Samantha Mumba" or "Mumba", was born in Dublin, Ireland. She is a wannabe-singer and part time pole dancer. In 1999 Mumba married Miss Piggy in attempt to have a music career. They wed in a quiet mosque outside Birmingham where Ali G was the vicor. Mumba and now, MRS Piggy moved into a shack in Texas. One week after the marriage, Mrs Piggy was caught being fingered by Santa Claus. Mumba murdered her wife and took the high road to New York City where she found Def Jam Recordings founder, L.A. Reid who then heard her story and decided she was gangster enough to be signed to his label. She sold drugs for him and ended up becoming a celebrity prostitute making around $5,000,000 a year. L.A. Reid also helped her cover up Mrs Piggy's body by covering it in marmite and sending it around the world 10 times on a condom made boat. Mumba told the press that Mrs Piggy was away on business and that she and her had split up because Mrs Piggy cheated.
== Music ==
Her first album Gotta Tell Ya was released in 2000 after being discovered by Simon Cowell's slave, Louis Walsh. After one week of coaching Mumba, Walsh gave up and decided to coach gay Irish boy band, Boyzone. 
Mumba was relieved it only took one week to make the album (she had a lot of help). She told a music magazine in Afganistan that the album title and the songs were about her freedom from Mrs Piggy and that she didn't need her wife to make her career (even though she did).
=== Vocal Style ===
Her vocal styles are truely deep as she has the lowest voice type in a female, Contralto. Unfortunatly many of her notes are unable to be heard by a human ear. It is usually only heard by trolls and leprechauns, which is why she is so famous in Ireland, and that no one else has ever heard her singing. Mumba's voice does stretch to a mezzo-soprano (basically a crap version of Beyoncé). Mumba mimes every performance because when she sings, an Icelandic tree dies, and then gets used as a table in Ikea. After being told her face transplant went wrong, she reportedly screamed out which caused hearing problems for wolves in Canada. It was also said that at that exact moment, a pyramid in Egypt blew up. 
=== Chart Success ===
Mumba's first single "Gotta Smell You" reached #1 in Ireland. Later on it unfortunatly made it across the Irish sea to Britain, where it reached #2. But for some unknown reason, probably in Irish-American communities, it managed to reach #4 on the USA Billboard charts. The album eventually shifted a million copies worldwide, because the leprechauns put them on rainbows to ship them there, for free.
While promoting this album, she was given the award "Worst Miming Artist of the Year". Britney Spears is the only artist to have won this award other than Mumba.
The second album "Wombles" was cancelled after the last single only reached #532 (behind Leona Lewis's "Bleeding Glove", before it was even released) on the UK charts with the single "I'm Tight Here".
In 2001 a Christmas album was released where she KILLED the classic "All I Want For Christmas Is Poo" by Mariah Carey, the album didn't even sell one copy, because the public FINALLY found out she murdererd Mrs Piggy when the condom boat showed up in Alaska two weeks before the album release. But Mumba explained the story to Barbara Walters and Oprah about why she did it and so British Newspaper, 'The Sun' gave the CD away for free, if she got her breasts out. After not charging for her breasts to be shown, she was then unfairly dropped by her record label "Deaf Ham Records" in 2001. In 2002 she approached Virgin Records, but since she wasn't a virgin, she wasn't allowed on the label. In January she was arrested for murdering Miss Piggy and spent a whole 25 minutes in jail. Mumba was then shot by Mariah Carey after she found out Mumba covered her song. Mumba was hospitalized and shipped to India for a few years where she practiced to dance on rice.
== The Comeback ==
In 2006, she arranged a comeback tour in her hometown Dublin, but she reportedly only sold 32 tickets (that she mostly bought herself) so it was cancelled. It was later revealed by Lara Croft that she was a diamond thief and a cat strangler. She stole white kitten fur and used them as shoes and pubic hair. The website LOLcats sued her for this and she ended up getting murdered by a headless turtle in a local prostitute house. She was buried in a council flat in North West England in the estate of Chatsworth, Manchester. After the 3rd World War in November 2007, Hitler revived her by giving her remains of jewish virgin blood. She recovered then had a lesbian one night stand with Catwoman and was then made an icon for cats all over the world. She married the famous Russian meerkat, Aleksandr Orlov in a banana shaped church in a German Porn film on December 1st.
== Life After Second Marriage == 
In January 2008, she went on the hit British TV show "Dancing on Rice" but was voted off in the first 3 minutes. She then went on her way telling us that her new album will be released by 2009, instead she bought a $499 house in Mars. Her husband Aleksandr Orlov decided to part from Mumba as he had a chance to open his own fragrance range called A wiff of muff. Samantha Mumba lived in Mars untill she realised she needed air to breathe. So in 2013 she claimed her album will not be released and if anyone wants it they can illegally download it online. After this downfall, Mumba was suprised to hear her album was released in Mars and it hit the #1 spot, and she got the award for "Best New Human Artist".
Mumba was seen working in the fast food restaurant, McDonalds, back in hometown Dublin on Monday 5th June 2019. 
== See also ==
*Ireland
*McDonalds
*Mime Artists
*Cats
*Deaf People
Category:Irish musicians
Category:Musicians Who Suck So Monumentally...