I collect canned food with body parts in them

Hello everybody, my name is David. I have a demanding job deshelling peanuts by hand, and so on my downtime I have taken up the hobby of collecting canned food that contains mainly human body parts.
Now by canned food I mean things like canned beans, corn, ravioli maybe. And by human body parts I mean things like the fingers, a nose, maybe a penis if I'm lucky.
How do I find these cans? Well I keep my ear to the ground and have a few connections with the local factories. Some of the guys will give me a call when there's an accident and I come in and take the batch of whatever canned goods they have off their hands, so to speak.
When I have the contaminated batch it's just a matter of getting them x-rayed at the local hospital. If I'm lucky there's a chunk of bone in there, if not I then have to calculate the weight and density of an average can from the batch and logically determine which, if any, are likely to contain a piece of human.
Over the years I've collected 16 bonafide body part cans and about 22 very likelies.
My wife, Barbara, thinks I'm crazy. And she's right. When I get the chance I'm going to kill her, cut her up, and hide the bits in some food cans. I have the perfect alibi in that I collect such things as a hobby. Barbara on the other hand only does crocheting. What will she ever hope to achieve with such a pastime? When I come to take her life a crochet hook is going to put up little defense.
One day I had come home from a 54 hour shift deshelling peanuts only to find my daughter Janey and her mother Barbara eating some beans on toast.
"Where did you get those beans?" I said.
"From your human can coll-" Janey began to say before Barbara cut her off.
"We got them from the shop." Said Barbara my wife. "The one that sells beans."
I looked at Barbara, the only woman I'd ever loved, and a large middle finger began to protrude from her mouth as if she were flipping me the bird with a finger that had previously been preserved inside a can of beans.
"I think you're lying to me Barbara."
"Oh, David, what makes you think that?" Said Barbara as she sucked the finger back into her mouth.
"Where did you get that finger you have in your mouth, Barbara?"
"What, this finger?" Said Barbara, as she slammed her first down on the table whilst flipping me the bird.
"No not that finger, Barbara, the finger in your mouth."
Barbara didn't say anything. She stared at me and then slowly and repulsively swallowed the finger and maybe some bean residue that she had in her mouth. Janey started to laugh.
I lost it. I blew my top.
"Well at least I don't spend all my time knitting little shit hats and things!" I said. "I can't even tell what half of those wooly bag things are. They are shit. They're just shit. Crochet is a complete waste of time. Crochet is shit and for losers."
Janey and Barbara paused, looked at each other, then burst into more laughter.
With tears in my eyes I went up to the attic where I keep my collection of food cans with human body parts in. Some people can be so cruel.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep