Edgy Mario Theory

I bet you're all wondering how the hell Nintendo could've come up with such iconic characters like Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, Bowser, Yoshi or hell, even Toad. I've been asking myself the same question every day for the last five years. 
It all started one dreary February night when I came across an old newspaper article about the ongoing investigation of a double homicide in Manhattan, New York. I'd just finished up on a homework assignment for my Forensics Science class in college, and I was parched for more information on unsolved murders. So naturally, I decided to start doing some more research and that's when I came across the newspaper article. 
From what I'd managed to gather, the victims were Peach Magnifico, a 25-year-old Caucasian woman with strawberry blonde hair and striking blue eyes, and her unborn child. It was hard to imagine anybody who would possibly be sick enough to strike down a pregnant woman and find joy in it (well, maybe except Charles Manson and his groupies, but that's a different story altogether), but I was too curious to dwell about it further. 
Moreover, as I was looking into it, I found that her husband Mario had initially been a person of interest when they'd first opened the case. According to the article, the neighbors had filed police reports against him for how unpredictable and violent his behavior tended to be during his bouts of paranoid schizophrenia; that alone was enough to make the police suspicious of him. It went further to expound that Mario didn't like doctors due to fears that stemmed from his childhood and that was the mainly the reason why he would take a powerful combination of magic mushrooms and LSD in order to keep himself in check. This didn't always work, though, as he mostly landed himself in hot water with the police for killing turtles, lizards, frogs, and even raccoons during his drugged-out rampages. Fortunately for him, his brother Luigi was always willing to bail him out of jail. Of course, that's all Luigi ever seemed to be good for so most of the time, he tended to be neglected and pushed aside.
At some point, Mario was cleared and the police started targeting more people who could be considered suspects in this case. Some of those people included Luigi's girlfriend Daisy Keaton, the con artist twins Warren and Walter Sykes, Peach's ex-boyfriend Cooper Bowie, Mario's ex-girlfriend Pauline Miller, and a dwarf named Todd LaCroix who'd garnered a reputation as a burglar over the years and had just been released from jail.
Where am I going with this, you might ask? Well, I think Cooper had had enough of Peach rejecting his advances so one night, he broke into her house while she and Mario were asleep and abducted her. Then he drove for two hours straight towards his house and once there, proceeded to torture her in every way imaginable. When she tried to escape, he caught her and then strangled her to death.
I've been trying to put the pieces together for five years, but I don't feel like I'm getting any closer. Mario and Luigi are obviously based off the schizophrenic Italian-American man and his pushover brother, but then what about Yoshi or Donkey Kong? Bowser Koopa may've come about when Cooper and a turtle were fused together. Princess Peach is based on the woman who was murdered, and her unborn child and Todd LaCroix are possible inspirations for Toad and his whole race of mushroom people. Luigi's girlfriend gave way to Princess Daisy, Mario's ex-girlfriend gave us the damsel in distress who first appeared in "Donkey Kong," and the con artist twins were turned into Wario and Waluigi. Mario's fear of doctors and his tendency to self-medicate with hard drugs gave us the video game "Dr. Mario" and the raccoons and frogs he killed regularly gave inspiration for two power-ups in "Super Mario Bros. 3." And that's all I have to say about this.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:THERY
Category:Look at me! I'm SO EDGY!
Category:Pointless Violence
Category:Mario
Category:Animulz
Category:SMOKE WEED ERRYDAY
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.