Saber

Recently everythings just going downhill.
My two most important relationships seem to break apart.
One of them is my long distance boyfriend, who seems to have lost interest in me romantically, even if we still talk all day, i just feel that... well... no more romance and it really hurts me, because during the 2 last years he was the only thing that kept me up and kind of soothed me, because im barely receiving any emotional support from anyone in my enviroment. I think i break down without him actually, even if it sounds co-dependant as fuck. But it was the first time in my life i felt something like hope for my future, that someday i might have someone who will give me some kind of security.
Also a really good friend of mine. She has her problems as well, but we are barely talking to each other currently and our conversations are mostly shortbreathed. We have been knowing each other for like 7-8 years now, but basically since 2015 started (i spend new year with her and think i might have fucked something up) its really going downhill. I talked with her about it, but it didnt helped at all.
I just feel really lost, can't motivate myself to go to school quite often, even if staying at home is even worse for me, but my grades turned out really bad anyway and i doubt that my diploma (which is also not the one i want and actually useless as fuck to me, i always wanted to go to university, but i cant because you cant do the diploma you need for university access in germany without 2 years work experience via second-chance-education, which i dont have.) is going to turn out good because my constant bad moods and bad concentration mess everything up for me. Hell, i dont even know what i wanna do afterwards and im really scared of my future too. I wasted lots of time, often took breaks without seeking any professional help, just hoped that some distance from school would help me to get better, but the thing is i dont get younger and the chances to be able to find a nice job i like decrease with every year i age (turning 23 this year) and i cant allow myself to waste any more time, even if i realized recently that i urgently have to seek professional help and maybe take half a year or a year off, so i can concentrate on my recover.
Fuck, i hate 2015 so much. This year has brought me nothing but bullshit. And the funny thing is that i knew on New Year that 2015 will turn out terrible, because the year started pretty bad for me too. With every passing year it seems like everythings getting worse.
==May 22nd, 2015==
i have severe concentration issues and am im general quite often depressed and finally decided that i have to visit a therapist and probably get some meds, but it's kind of hard doing the first step since i also try to excuse myself with being privately insured, which means i would have to pay all my bills on my own.
On the other hand i really need to do something since im on my way to earn my college degree right now via second hand education and my grades are pretty much shit
I really cant help myself because i start to feel like im slowly losing myself - i sometimes even forget what i did a few hours ago, pick up things and put them somewhere and can't find them afterwards. Its pretty shitty because my environment is not able to understand my issues and wont support me.
Category:Fag