The Blues Brothers Lost Video Game

I was walking down the street one day, and I guess I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going because I ended up bumping into a man in a black suit kind of like what FBI agents wear in the movies. I fell to the floor with such force that the ground started shaking. The man offered me his hand, and it was then that I learned it was Dan Aykroyd. Yes, the Dan Aykroyd! He lowered his sunglasses as he said, "watch your step son! You could have had an accident." After saying this, some weird looking claymation bear who I assumed was Aykroyd's assistant appeared and he looked very bad as he had crutches and a black eye. "You would need an underdog!" The bear cried, but I had no idea what that meant as I asked if Dan Aykroyd would mind taking a picture with me for the folks in Newport. He refused but tapped his nose as he sang, "but I got something better. Oh yeah that's right something better indeed." He reached inside his old dusty black fedora and pulled out a PlayStation 2 game and threw it at my chest. I groaned in pain and closed my eyes when I opened them both Dan Aykroyd and the bear were gone.
I looked the case over and was so overjoyed! It was a video game adaption of my favourite film ever made; The Blues Brothers. Yes; I am aware that a game adaption already exists for the Super Nintendo, but I don't own a Super Nintendo so please be quiet will you? I took the game with me to my house where I saw my neighbour Mike Smiley was taking a shit in my flowerbed. "Lovely weather we're having!" Smiley proclaimed which made me shutter as I walked into my house which stank of prawns as I worked part-time as a fish monger. A dangerous pass time I know. I sat down in the living room and slammed the game into my Ps2. The cover looked really sweet as it had a picture of Jake and Elwood sitting at a table all the while pulling the smuggest faces you'd ever see. The back of the case was blank which made me vomit, as I turned my attention towards the TV. My TV is really old and is from the 1920's. I tried to sell it to the Mafia, but this earned me the wrath of an old man who threatened to turn me into a stick of butter if I didn't behave accordingly. Well shit.
The game started with a main menu which showed a piece of white toast which most likely belonged to Elwood. There were two options, one read, "Hmm Sloth," while the other read, "New Game," I clicked on, "Hmm Sloth," and was treated to a clip of a sloth with blonde locks vomiting out some cough drops as he said, "sail with me boyio." I was getting a bit hot under the collar as I decided to blow some steam by returning to the main menu, and selecting, "New Game," instead. The game started with Jake and Elwood in an old subway station with both brothers looking really scared. "Come on Jake." Elwood said before continuing with, "we need to find all of the blue coins so that we can find the Blues Mobile." Now I may be old, but I remember when trees were everywhere and no one had to pay for air so I know what I'm talking about when I say that Elwood did not sound anything like Dan Aykroyd and it sounded more like someone doing a really bad Squidward impression. Jake meanwhile sounded like an incredibly miserable butcher who loves to stick his geese into cab cars which make them stink quite a bit. Elwood didn't even look right as his nose looked swollen and his sunglasses were red instead of black which made me vomit again.
The first mission was all about collecting these blue coins which were scattered all across the game world. I was playing as Elwood while Jake just kind of stood over in the corner looking bored. Can you blame him honestly? Eventually, Elwood stopped moving as he claimed to be very hungry and he refused to find any more blue coins on an empty stomach. "I know a place." Jake said like some kind of Pigeon Lady as he and Elwood headed to a nearby candy store. I wasn't even controlling them, but I laughed heavily as they entered the shop and were greeted at the front desk by Grandpa Joe from the 2005 remake of Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Grandpa Joe refused to give them any sweets until they told him how much a log rhythm was worth. Jake and Elwood did not have time to figure that one out as there was a huge line forming behind them with George Lucas standing at the very front of it. Ole Lucas looked lost and like he needs a friend who has no toes. Could you help? Elwood took off his hat, and pulled out a chocolate bird which was actually inanimate and it flew across the entire shop only for Grandpa Joe to clasp it in his hands. Grandpa Joe then proceeded to squeeze Elwood's nose real hard which caused water to spray out from it as he said in a harsh voice, "nothing is impossible Elwood." He then put the bird in his mouth and smiled a cheesy grin, but then fell on the floor dead. "Oh dear!" Elwood cried as he and Jake ran out of the candy shop as they were then shown being chased by angry customers who were holding pitchforks and torches. Better run before they light the beacons!
The next mission involved Jake and Elwood driving around Chicago in the Blues Mobile. They were plotting to put the band back together so that they could perform a charity gig for Count Duckula, but Elwood didn't think the pair could pull it off. I could hear Grandpa Joe's voice say, "nothing is impossible Elwood," as I vomited once again. Jake and Elwood ended up crashing the Blues Mobile into a ditch which was being occupied by none other than Shrek. Shrek looked over at the pair, but Elwood responded by slowly averting his attention towards a mutant child who was chasing a wooden pull string frog toy into a quarry. Elwood slammed his foot on the pedals and caused the car to go flying. It flew high into the evening sky, and it ended up crashing on top of a chicken picnic which was being hosted by Robin The Green Duck who loves digital style. "Pesky bee!" Robin barked as he attempted to kill Jake with a fly swatter only for Elwood to ask, "what exactly are you guys doing here anyway?" Robin and his backup singers who were a bunch of really smelly old ladies then began singing a really smelly song about how you need to dial their number so they can cook you really foul smelly fry ups which will make you gag with every bite. Isn't that the dream though? Jake laughed during the song which caused Robin to glare at him for five hours as he then said, "and we have finished the chicken picnic." "What?" Elwood asked as all of the sudden the game cut to a brief clip which had a man and his son walking through the town where they found a man getting garrotted by a sheep. Truly something we all wish to see. 
After the clip ended, I found that Jake and Elwood had somehow made their way to Mr Fabulous' restaurant. Mr Fabulous wanted to throw them out, but the pair were able to earn his trust by cooking up some yeast soup an old family recipe according to Jake. "Oh well that sounds fine." Mr Fabulous said as the pair made their way into the kitchen but adding yeast to the soup really triggered the head chef who was a massive hunk of raw steak with a chef hat. We'll call him Steak Chef for short. He put some yeast grains onto a weighing scale as he asked, "but how much have you had today? Too much yeast can make your teeth go grey!" Jake and Elwood were then force fed ass paste by Steak Chef's crush who was a spinach can named Spinach. How quaint. "That was not ass paste! You shouldn't eat from a stranger's plate, a stranger's plate, a stranger's plate, a stranger's...." Steak Chef bellowed as he began jumping and down stomping all around in his Nickelodeon moon bounce shoes which he had gotten for Christmas many moons ago. Steak Chef wanted to have the Blues Brothers killed for their mistake of eating from a stranger's plate, but in their defence Steak Chef probably should have mentioned it was a court martial offense in an earlier scene. He could of just mentioned it in passing, and that would have been fine also. Elwood was very cunning and offered to save his and Jake's life by offering to help Steak Chef ask out Spinach.
Steak Chef ended up singing a song to Spinach. He sang the song in German. I can't speak German! Oh fuck! During the musical number, Elwood and Jake were shown dancing outside the restaurant on top of their Blues Mobile. It was a Dance Dance Revolution style sequence where you had to press all of the button prompts at the current time. Their dancing was really bad, but I didn't care as the song ended up winning Steak Chef not the love of Spinach but the love of a nearby talking fridge who may or may not be involved with the Molinari Crime Family during the 1970's. Only time will tell however, but don't you go worrying your beautiful head about it because trust me I keep an active file. Wink. That fridge was also suspected of being involved in counterfeiting by Tim Curry who also harboured feelings for Steak Chef, because well why wouldn't he? Steak Chef and the fridge started making out as the fridge then sang, "but maybe we should wait before we put it on the plate." Okay, question! What the fuck has anything of this got to do with the Blues Brothers!?
I guess Mr Fabulous was the only one from the band that the pair needed to recruit as the next level had the band performing a gig for a bunch of rat nosed kids at a beach. The kids were incredibly annoying as they insulted the blues music that the band sang and said that it would be really cool if Jake and Elwood would give laxatives to the seagulls. "Okay." Elwood said like some kind of Crane as he and Jake fed sardine crackers to some seagulls which were riddled with laxatives. The seagulls got the shits some bad, but the band was saved by Honey Monster who offered them refuge in his cottage. Honey Monster had a family of mice hiding in his wall, and before entering the kitchen to make some cups of hot sweet tea he placed a block of cheese inside the mouse hole much to their delight. They failed to realise that the cheese was laced with rat poison, so they all ended up dying an incredibly painful death. Honey Monster, you've changed. Honey Monster it would appear had some ulterior motives when it came to saving the Blues Brothers, as he revealed to the band that the only reason he saved them was because he wanted to join them as their third singer. "Two is plenty. Three is shit." Jake said, but Honey Monster was able to win Jake's approval by offering him a bowl of Honey Meltz. Honey Meltz is this really DISGUSTING porridge that was produced under the Sugar Puffs label, and it only existed in 2008 before it was pulled off the shelves because it made anyone who ate it shit out their intestines. Jake ate from the porridge, but he suffered no side effects as he wore emergency Honey Meltz Safety Gear In A Half Shell which is something people need to remember to wear when eating the stuff. In retrospect, the box really could have done with a warning telling people that, but alas it was not to be.
In the next level, we were treated to a mini game where we had to dress up Honey Monster for the big concert. They gave Honey an extreme makeover, but they were making far too much noise which really distressed Grandpa Max who just so happened to own the apartment next door. Max was busy trying his best to put up a makeshift den for his fellow Tweenies, but the loud noises caused him to make a real mess. Furious, Max yelled, "BE QUIET IN THERE!" Max's loud yelling was so loud it caused a blackout. To remedy the situation, Max received a visit from electrician: Sparky who was a close friend of Kenny Petrovic the most powerful Russian crime boss in the city. Sparky had gone to school with Kenny's son, and helped Max with getting power back in the apartment. While getting the power back, Sparky busied himself by insulting Max and calling him Granddad. It was so mean that it actually made me cry a little, but only a little as Grandpa Max was very scary. Many moons ago when I was a young lad I would have nightmares about Max appearing at my bedroom window as he asked in a harsh but wet voice, "what did I tell you short man? What did I tell you?" "I don't fucking know!" I bellowed as I would then be woken up by my local washing machine dealer who may or may not have really been Jimmy Kimmel in disguise. Ew Jimmy Kimmel! Not in my swamp I tell you what! After Honey Monster got dressed into a nice black suit complete with sunglasses and a hat it was decided that it was finally time for the big concert.
The concert was being held at an old army base which was being occupied by Count Duckula for the holidays. The band made their way onto the stage where they began singing a song but it was met with by contempt by the Count. Seeking to combat the situation, Honey Monster rose up to the challenge and began singing a beautiful little ballad about how you should not buy kitchen roll, teabags, or chocolate but you should instead buy a dozen red roses. After he got singing, everyone in the room including Count Duckula had been brought to tears. Sadly, the band ended up failing the contest anyway as Elwood ended up sneezing a sneeze so bad that his entire suit got covered in green slime indicating he had been sticking radioactive slugs up there again. Following this encounter, the Blues Brothers found themselves being chased out of the army base by Robin and his homie Harry who were driving a motorcycle, the shop people who were angered by the death of Grandpa Joe were also chasing, but the chase didn't last very long at all after the Blues Mobile ended up crashing into an old abandoned bar located in the middle of nowhere. At the bar, Elwood and Jake were pinned down onto the ground by Bootleg Captain Hook who threatened them with, "start talking cookie." The real Captain Hook declined to take part in the game according to a Reddit post, and this was likely due to him being far too busy with running the Corleone Charities and settling some affairs over a bowl of Christmas punch. We've all been there, right? I know I have!
The following scene was incredibly cringey as Elwood and Jake gave a really bad inspiring speech which brought everyone in the room to confusion as Robin revealed that he had always wanted to be a concert pianist which has nothing to do with anything. Bootleg Captain Hook revealed that he had bought himself a canoe, but he didn't know how to ride. A talking saxophone came out from his ear and sang, "I'll teach you how to ride a canoe!" Everyone cheered as a massive party was held in admiration for the Blues Brothers. Jake and Elwood ended up sneaking off stage via an underground passageway kind of like they do in the film. The pair reached the Blues Mobile and hopped on in as the game finally seemed to be drawing to a conclusion. Elwood then looked at the screen with an incredibly smug grin as he and Jake revealed that because I had not died once during the game, I had unlocked the super-secret bonus level which was located at Bob's Country Bunker, but the bonus level was probably the most disgusting thing that I have ever seen in my entire life, and you can believe me for I have seen Shrek The Third.
Indeed, twas was not a very pleasant bonus level as it involved Elwood chasing patrons down the streets outside of Bob's Country Bunker. Elwood's face was covered in shaving cream and he looked like some kind of demon snowman. Elwood ended up tripping on a land mine as the game cut to a shot of a red banana as an old man then came on screen and tapped his head with his bony fingers as he told me a story about how he once drop kicked a cat out of a ten story building, but now he fears the cats may be coming back to get him. I really hope they do get the old bastard! The game ended with normal credits, I got very angry as I decided to teach Dan Aykroyd a lesson. I caught a cab to Aykroyd's hangout which was a smelly warehouse located by the sea. He was attempting to con two Triad enforcers with some skull vodka bottles which had baby food in them. "You trying to rip us off? This is baby food!" One of the Triad enforcers whined before Dan put his arm around him as he said, "hey come on let's work something out here!" I charged towards Aykroyd and managed to pin him onto a wooden table as I yelled, "you're coming with me!" "Come on can't we just be reasonable?" Dan Aykroyd said as he offered me a sick of rock. He lowered his sunglasses and flashed me an iconic grin as I took the sicker rock out from his hands and said, "a sicker rock for me?" "Now can we be friends?" Dan Aykroyd asked but I didn't answer. I just ass fried noodles which means I offered to make him beans on toast. Better tell the Duke we don't have beans on toast though hadn't I?
A sicker rock is basically a regular rock coated in sick and crystal shards. To my horror, Grandpa Max was walking his two pet dogs along the seafront and upon hearing me mention the word sick in my conversation, he cried, "SICK!?" He then charged towards me screaming like a mad man or rather a mad Tweenies. He threw me inside an old Tesco bag, and took me with him to his apartment, the same one which had appeared in that Blues Brothers game. Thinking that I was sick, Grandpa Max tried to help by making me something to eat. Now that may sound kind on paper, but wait until you hear what ole Maxie was putting on that sandwich. He put rotten fish, Genco Pura Olive Oil, tomato sauce, onions, cheese a whole block to be precise, and ass noodles all on one sandwich. I took one bite from the smelly sandwich as I ended up coughing the contents out all over the fancy new throw rug. Disgusted, I wiped my mouth as I asked, "blooming heck Max are trying to finish me off?" Little did I know my salvation was coming. Heavy Godmother came out from the sandwich as he roared a mighty roar which caused Grandpa Max to dawn a white fedora and sunglasses as he sang, "oh now I'm off on my Summer haul what should I take with me?" Heavy Godmother clutched me tightly as he picked me up in his arms with his immense strength. He and I flew high into the evening sky as I then proceeded to relax thinking that I had finally won.
Sadly, Heavy Godmother ended up dropping me once I revealed that I did not have any money to pay the toll. I fell for awhile until I ended up crashing inside an old ship which was ran by Captain Birdseye. You may think this is a bad ending, but tis quite the opposite dear reader, for ole Birdseye was a lovely man who offered me a place in his salty herd, and I took his offer without hesitation. With Birdseye, you get free fishfingers every single day and that sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Well, that's the end of our little story but do tell me what do you intend to do about the droid attack on the wookies? Well we'll talk to Francis about it, and we all know who that is don't we love? Okay bye! Come back soon though please as I'll cook you some pike, haddock, and salmon. What do all those three things have in common? They're fucking fish! BYE BYE!
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