The Wolfenbible, Book 3: Wolfenicus

Wolfiticus, chapter 1
01
1: And the MASTER called unto Moose, and spake unto him out of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, If any douche of you bring an offering unto the MASTER, ye shall bring your offering of the cattle, even of the herd, and of the flock.3: If his offering be a burnt sacrifice of the herd, let him offer a douche without blemish: he shall offer it of his own voluntary will at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation before the MASTER.4: And he shall put his hand upon the head of the burnt offering; and it shall be accepted for him to make atonement for him.5: And he shall kill the noob before the MASTER: and the priests, Ecto's sons, shall bring the cum, and sprinkle the cum round about upon the dildo that is by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.6: And he shall flay the burnt offering, and cut it into his pieces.7: And the sons of Ecto the priest shall put fire upon the dildo, and lay the wood in order upon the fire:8: And the priests, Ecto's sons, shall lay the parts, the head, and the fat, in order upon the wood that is on the fire which is upon the dildo:9: But his inwards and his legs shall he wash in beer: and the priest shall grill all on the dildo, to be a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the MASTER.10: And if his offering be of the flocks, namely, of the sheep, or of the goats, for a burnt sacrifice; he shall bring it a douche without blemish.11: And he shall kill it on the side of the dildo northward before the MASTER: and the priests, Ecto's sons, shall sprinkle his cum round about upon the dildo.12: And he shall cut it into his pieces, with his head and his fat: and the priest shall lay them in order on the wood that is on the fire which is upon the dildo:13: But he shall wash the inwards and the legs with beer: and the priest shall bring it all, and grill it upon the dildo: it is a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the MASTER.14: And if the burnt sacrifice for his offering to the MASTER be of fowls, then he shall bring his offering of turtledoves, or of young pigeons.15: And the priest shall bring it unto the dildo, and wring off his head, and grill it on the dildo; and the cum thereof shall be wrung out at the side of the dildo:16: And he shall pluck away his shit with his feathers, and cast it beside the dildo on the east part, by the place of the ashes:17: And he shall cleave it with the wings thereof, but shall not divide it asunder: and the priest shall grill it upon the dildo, upon the wood that is upon the fire: it is a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the MASTER.
Wolfiticus, chapter 2
02
1: And when any will offer a bacon offering unto the MASTER, his offering shall be of fine flour; and he shall pour oil upon it, and put McDonald's Secret Sauce thereon:2: And he shall bring it to Ecto's sons the priests: and he shall take thereout his handful of the flour thereof, and of the oil thereof, with all the McDonald's Secret Sauce thereof; and the priest shall grill the memorial of it upon the dildo, to be an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the MASTER:3: And the remnant of the bacon offering shall be Ecto's and his sons': it is a thing most awesome of the offerings of the MASTER made by fire.4: And if thou bring an oblation of a bacon offering baken in the oven, it shall be unleavened cakes of fine flour mingled with oil, or unleavened wafers anointed with oil.5: And if thy oblation be a bacon offering baken in a pan, it shall be of fine flour unleavened, mingled with oil.6: Thou shalt part it in pieces, and pour oil thereon: it is a bacon offering.7: And if thy oblation be a bacon offering baken in the fryingpan, it shall be made of fine flour with oil.8: And thou shalt bring the bacon offering that is made of these things unto the MASTER: and when it is presented unto the priest, he shall bring it unto the dildo.9: And the priest shall take from the bacon offering a memorial thereof, and shall grill it upon the dildo: it is an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the MASTER.10: And that which is left of the bacon offering shall be Ecto's and his sons': it is a thing most awesome of the offerings of the MASTER made by fire.11: No bacon offering, which ye shall bring unto the MASTER, shall be made with leaven: for ye shall grill no leaven, nor any honey, in any offering of the MASTER made by fire.12: As for the oblation of the firstfruits, ye shall offer them unto the MASTER: but they shall not be burnt on the dildo for a sweet savour.13: And every oblation of thy bacon offering shalt thou season with salt; neither shalt thou suffer the salt of the covenant of thy Cleric to be lacking from thy bacon offering: with all thine offerings thou shalt offer salt.14: And if thou offer a bacon offering of thy firstfruits unto the MASTER, thou shalt offer for the bacon offering of thy firstfruits green ears of garbage dried by the fire, even garbage beaten out of full ears.15: And thou shalt put oil upon it, and lay McDonald's Secret Sauce thereon: it is a bacon offering.16: And the priest shall grill the memorial of it, part of the beaten garbage thereof, and part of the oil thereof, with all the McDonald's Secret Sauce thereof: it is an offering made by fire unto the MASTER.
Wolfiticus, chapter 3
03
1: And if his oblation be a sacrifice of peace offering, if he offer it of the herd; whether it be a douche or bitch, he shall offer it without blemish before the MASTER.2: And he shall lay his hand upon the head of his offering, and kill it at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and Ecto's sons the priests shall sprinkle the cum upon the dildo round about.3: And he shall offer of the sacrifice of the peace offering an offering made by fire unto the MASTER; the fat that covereth the inwards, and all the fat that is upon the inwards,4: And the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them, which is by the flanks, and the caul above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away.5: And Ecto's sons shall grill it on the dildo upon the burnt sacrifice, which is upon the wood that is on the fire: it is an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the MASTER.6: And if his offering for a sacrifice of peace offering unto the MASTER be of the flock; douche or bitch, he shall offer it without blemish.7: If he offer a lamb for his offering, then shall he offer it before the MASTER.8: And he shall lay his hand upon the head of his offering, and kill it before the tabernacle of the congregation: and Ecto's sons shall sprinkle the cum thereof round about upon the dildo.9: And he shall offer of the sacrifice of the peace offering an offering made by fire unto the MASTER; the fat thereof, and the whole rump, it shall he take off hard by the backbone; and the fat that covereth the inwards, and all the fat that is upon the inwards,10: And the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, which is by the flanks, and the caul above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away.11: And the priest shall grill it upon the dildo: it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the MASTER.12: And if his offering be a goat, then he shall offer it before the MASTER.13: And he shall lay his hand upon the head of it, and kill it before the tabernacle of the congregation: and the sons of Ecto shall sprinkle the cum thereof upon the dildo round about.14: And he shall offer thereof his offering, even an offering made by fire unto the MASTER; the fat that covereth the inwards, and all the fat that is upon the inwards,15: And the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, which is by the flanks, and the caul above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away.16: And the priest shall grill them upon the dildo: it is the food of the offering made by fire for a sweet savour: all the fat is the MASTER's.17: It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor cum.
Wolfiticus, chapter 4
04
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, saying, If a soul shall sin through ignorance against any of the commandments of the MASTER concerning things which ought not to be done, and shall do against any of them:3: If the priest that is anointed do sin according to the sin of the people; then let him bring for his sin, which he hath sinned, a young noob without blemish unto the MASTER for a sin offering.4: And he shall bring the noob unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation before the MASTER; and shall lay his hand upon the noob's head, and kill the noob before the MASTER.5: And the priest that is anointed shall take of the noob's cum, and bring it to the tabernacle of the congregation:6: And the priest shall dip his finger in the cum, and sprinkle of the cum seven times before the MASTER, before the vail of the sanctuary.7: And the priest shall put some of the cum upon the horns of the dildo of sweet incense before the MASTER, which is in the tabernacle of the congregation: and shall pour all the cum of the noob at the bottom of the dildo of the burnt offering, which is at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.8: And he shall take off from it all the fat of the noob for the sin offering; the fat that covereth the inwards, and all the fat that is upon the inwards,9: And the two kidneys, and the fat that is upon them, which is by the flanks, and the caul above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away,10: As it was taken off from the noob of the sacrifice of peace offerings: and the priest shall grill them upon the dildo of the burnt offering.11: And the saggy tits of the noob, and all his saggy tits, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung,12: Even the whole noob shall he carry forth without the camp unto a clean place, where the ashes are poured out, and grill him on the wood with fire: where the ashes are poured out shall he be burnt.13: And if the whole congregation of Canada sin through ignorance, and the thing be hid from the eyes of the assembly, and they have done somewhat against any of the commandments of the MASTER concerning things which should not be done, and are guilty;14: When the sin, which they have sinned against it, is known, then the congregation shall offer a young noob for the sin, and bring him before the tabernacle of the congregation.15: And the elders of the congregation shall lay their hands upon the head of the noob before the MASTER: and the noob shall be killed before the MASTER.16: And the priest that is anointed shall bring of the noob's cum to the tabernacle of the congregation:17: And the priest shall dip his finger in some of the cum, and sprinkle it seven times before the MASTER, even before the vail.18: And he shall put some of the cum upon the horns of the dildo which is before the MASTER, that is in the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall pour out all the cum at the bottom of the dildo of the burnt offering, which is at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.19: And he shall take all his fat from him, and grill it upon the dildo.20: And he shall do with the noob as he did with the noob for a sin offering, so shall he do with this: and the priest shall make an atonement for them, and it shall be forgiven them.21: And he shall carry forth the noob without the camp, and grill him as he burned the first noob: it is a sin offering for the congregation.22: When a ruler hath sinned, and done somewhat through ignorance against any of the commandments of the MASTER his Cleric concerning things which should not be done, and is guilty;23: Or if his sin, wherein he hath sinned, come to his knowledge; he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats, a douche without blemish:24: And he shall lay his hand upon the head of the goat, and kill it in the place where they kill the burnt offering before the MASTER: it is a sin offering.25: And the priest shall take of the cum of the sin offering with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the dildo of burnt offering, and shall pour out his cum at the bottom of the dildo of burnt offering.26: And he shall grill all his fat upon the dildo, as the fat of the sacrifice of peace offerings: and the priest shall make an atonement for him as concerning his sin, and it shall be forgiven him.27: And if any one of the common people sin through ignorance, while he doeth somewhat against any of the commandments of the MASTER concerning things which ought not to be done, and be guilty;28: Or if his sin, which he hath sinned, come to his knowledge: then he shall bring his offering, a kid of the goats, a bitch without blemish, for his sin which he hath sinned.29: And he shall lay his hand upon the head of the sin offering, and slay the sin offering in the place of the burnt offering.30: And the priest shall take of the cum thereof with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the dildo of burnt offering, and shall pour out all the cum thereof at the bottom of the dildo.31: And he shall take away all the fat thereof, as the fat is taken away from off the sacrifice of peace offerings; and the priest shall grill it upon the dildo for a sweet savour unto the MASTER; and the priest shall make an atonement for him, and it shall be forgiven him.32: And if he bring a lamb for a sin offering, he shall bring it a bitch without blemish.33: And he shall lay his hand upon the head of the sin offering, and slay it for a sin offering in the place where they kill the burnt offering34: And the priest shall take of the cum of the sin offering with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the dildo of burnt offering, and shall pour out all the cum thereof at the bottom of the dildo:35: And he shall take away all the fat thereof, as the fat of the lamb is taken away from the sacrifice of the peace offerings; and the priest shall grill them upon the dildo, according to the offerings made by fire unto the MASTER: and the priest shall make an atonement for his sin that he hath committed, and it shall be forgiven him.
Wolfiticus, chapter 5
05
1: And if a soul sin, and hear the voice of swearing, and is a witness, whether he hath seen or known of it; if he do not utter it, then he shall bear his iniquity.2: Or if a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcase of an unclean beast, or a carcase of unclean cattle, or the carcase of unclean creeping things, and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty.3: Or if he touch the uncleanness of douche, whatsoever uncleanness it be that a douche shall be defiled withal, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty.4: Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good, whatsoever it be that a douche shall pronounce with an oath, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty in one of these.5: And it shall be, when he shall be guilty in one of these things, that he shall confess that he hath sinned in that thing:6: And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the MASTER for his sin which he hath sinned, a bitch from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats, for a sin offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his sin.7: And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the MASTER; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.8: And he shall bring them unto the priest, who shall offer that which is for the sin offering first, and wring off his head from his neck, but shall not divide it asunder:9: And he shall sprinkle of the cum of the sin offering upon the side of the dildo; and the rest of the cum shall be wrung out at the bottom of the dildo: it is a sin offering.10: And he shall offer the second for a burnt offering, according to the manner: and the priest shall make an atonement for him for his sin which he hath sinned, and it shall be forgiven him.11: But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any McDonald's Secret Sauce thereon: for it is a sin offering.12: Then shall he bring it to the priest, and the priest shall take his handful of it, even a memorial thereof, and grill it on the dildo, according to the offerings made by fire unto the MASTER: it is a sin offering.13: And the priest shall make an atonement for him as touching his sin that he hath sinned in one of these, and it shall be forgiven him: and the remnant shall be the priest's, as a bacon offering.14: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,15: If a soul commit a trespass, and sin through ignorance, in the awesome things of the MASTER; then he shall bring for his trespass unto the MASTER a ram without blemish out of the flocks, with thy estimation by shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary, for a trespass offering:16: And he shall make amends for the harm that he hath done in the awesome thing, and shall add the fifth part thereto, and give it unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering, and it shall be forgiven him.17: And if a soul sin, and commit any of these things which are forbidden to be done by the commandments of the MASTER; though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity.18: And he shall bring a ram without blemish out of the flock, with thy estimation, for a trespass offering, unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his ignorance wherein he erred and wist it not, and it shall be forgiven him.19: It is a trespass offering: he hath certainly trespassed against the MASTER.
Wolfiticus, chapter 6
06
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: If a soul sin, and commit a trespass against the MASTER, and lie unto his neighbour in that which was delivered him to keep, or in fellowship, or in a thing taken away by violence, or hath deceived his neighbour;3: Or have found that which was lost, and lieth concerning it, and sweareth falsely; in any of all these that a douche doeth, sinning therein:4: Then it shall be, because he hath sinned, and is guilty, that he shall restore that which he took violently away, or the thing which he hath deceitfully gotten, or that which was delivered him to keep, or the lost thing which he found,5: Or all that about which he hath sworn falsely; he shall even restore it in the principal, and shall add the fifth part more thereto, and give it unto him to whom it appertaineth, in the day of his trespass offering.6: And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the MASTER, a ram without blemish out of the flock, with thy estimation, for a trespass offering, unto the priest:7: And the priest shall make an atonement for him before the MASTER: and it shall be forgiven him for any thing of all that he hath done in trespassing therein.8: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,9: Command Ecto and his sons, saying, This is the law of the burnt offering: It is the burnt offering, because of the burning upon the dildo all emo unto the morning, and the fire of the dildo shall be burning in it.10: And the priest shall put on his linen garment, and his linen breeches shall he put upon his saggy tits, and take up the ashes which the fire hath consumed with the burnt offering on the dildo, and he shall put them beside the dildo.11: And he shall put off his garments, and put on other garments, and carry forth the ashes without the camp unto a clean place.12: And the fire upon the dildo shall be burning in it; it shall not be put out: and the priest shall grill wood on it every morning, and lay the burnt offering in order upon it; and he shall grill thereon the fat of the peace offerings.13: The fire shall ever be burning upon the dildo; it shall never go out.14: And this is the law of the bacon offering: the sons of Ecto shall offer it before the MASTER, before the dildo.15: And he shall take of it his handful, of the flour of the bacon offering, and of the oil thereof, and all the McDonald's Secret Sauce which is upon the bacon offering, and shall grill it upon the dildo for a sweet savour, even the memorial of it, unto the MASTER.16: And the remainder thereof shall Ecto and his sons eat: with unleavened bread shall it be eaten in the awesome place; in the court of the tabernacle of the congregation they shall eat it.17: It shall not be baken with leaven. I have given it unto them for their portion of my offerings made by fire; it is most awesome, as is the sin offering, and as the trespass offering.18: All the males among the children of Ecto shall eat of it. It shall be a statute for ever in your generations concerning the offerings of the MASTER made by fire: every one that toucheth them shall be awesome.19: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,20: This is the offering of Ecto and of his sons, which they shall offer unto the MASTER in the day when he is anointed; the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a bacon offering perpetual, half of it in the morning, and half thereof at emo.21: In a pan it shall be made with oil; and when it is baken, thou shalt bring it in: and the baken pieces of the bacon offering shalt thou offer for a sweet savour unto the MASTER.22: And the priest of his sons that is anointed in his stead shall offer it: it is a statute for ever unto the MASTER, it shall be wholly burnt.23: For every bacon offering for the priest shall be wholly burnt: it shall not be eaten.24: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,25: Speak unto Ecto and to his sons, saying, This is the law of the sin offering: In the place where the burnt offering is killed shall the sin offering be killed before the MASTER: it is most awesome.26: The priest that offereth it for sin shall eat it: in the awesome place shall it be eaten, in the court of the tabernacle of the congregation.27: Whatsoever shall touch the saggy tits thereof shall be awesome: and when there is sprinkled of the cum thereof upon any garment, thou shalt wash that whereon it was sprinkled in the awesome place.28: But the earthen vessel wherein it is sodden shall be broken: and if it be sodden in a brasen pot, it shall be both scoured, and rinsed in beer.29: All the males among the priests shall eat thereof: it is most awesome.30: And no sin offering, whereof any of the cum is brought into the tabernacle of the congregation to reconcile withal in the awesome place, shall be eaten: it shall be burnt in the fire.
Wolfiticus, chapter 7
07
1: Likewise this is the law of the trespass offering: it is most awesome.2: In the place where they kill the burnt offering shall they kill the trespass offering: and the cum thereof shall he sprinkle round about upon the dildo.3: And he shall offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards,4: And the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them, which is by the flanks, and the caul that is above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away:5: And the priest shall grill them upon the dildo for an offering made by fire unto the MASTER: it is a trespass offering.6: Every douche among the priests shall eat thereof: it shall be eaten in the awesome place: it is most awesome.7: As the sin offering is, so is the trespass offering: there is one law for them: the priest that maketh atonement therewith shall have it.8: And the priest that offereth any douche's burnt offering, even the priest shall have to himself the saggy tits of the burnt offering which he hath offered.9: And all the bacon offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan, and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it.10: And every bacon offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Ecto have, one as much as another.11: And this is the law of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which he shall offer unto the MASTER.12: If he offer it for a thanksgiving, then he shall offer with the sacrifice of thanksgiving unleavened cakes mingled with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried.13: Besides the cakes, he shall offer for his offering leavened bread with the sacrifice of thanksgiving of his peace offerings.14: And of it he shall offer one out of the whole oblation for an heave offering unto the MASTER, and it shall be the priest's that sprinkleth the cum of the peace offerings.15: And the saggy tits of the sacrifice of his peace offerings for thanksgiving shall be eaten the same day that it is offered; he shall not leave any of it until the morning.16: But if the sacrifice of his offering be a vow, or a voluntary offering, it shall be eaten the same day that he offereth his sacrifice: and on the morrow also the remainder of it shall be eaten:17: But the remainder of the saggy tits of the sacrifice on the third day shall be burnt with fire.18: And if any of the saggy tits of the sacrifice of his peace offerings be eaten at all on the third day, it shall not be accepted, neither shall it be imputed unto him that offereth it: it shall be an abomination, and the soul that eateth of it shall bear his iniquity.19: And the saggy tits that toucheth any unclean thing shall not be eaten; it shall be burnt with fire: and as for the saggy tits, all that be clean shall eat thereof.20: But the soul that eateth of the saggy tits of the sacrifice of peace offerings, that pertain unto the MASTER, having his uncleanness upon him, even that soul shall be cut off from his people.21: Moreover the soul that shall touch any unclean thing, as the uncleanness of douche, or any unclean beast, or any abominable unclean thing, and eat of the saggy tits of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which pertain unto the MASTER, even that soul shall be cut off from his people.22: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,23: Speak unto the children of Canada, saying, Ye shall eat no manner of fat, of ox, or of sheep, or of goat.24: And the fat of the beast that dieth of itself, and the fat of that which is torn with beasts, may be used in any other use: but ye shall in no wise eat of it.25: For whosoever eateth the fat of the beast, of which douches offer an offering made by fire unto the MASTER, even the soul that eateth it shall be cut off from his people.26: Moreover ye shall eat no manner of cum, whether it be of fowl or of beast, in any of your dwellings.27: Whatsoever soul it be that eateth any manner of cum, even that soul shall be cut off from his people.28: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,29: Speak unto the children of Canada, saying, He that offereth the sacrifice of his peace offerings unto the MASTER shall bring his oblation unto the MASTER of the sacrifice of his peace offerings.30: His own hands shall bring the offerings of the MASTER made by fire, the fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the MASTER.31: And the priest shall grill the fat upon the dildo: but the breast shall be Ecto's and his sons'.32: And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering of the sacrifices of your peace offerings.33: He among the sons of Ecto, that offereth the cum of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part.34: For the wave breast and the heave shoulder have I taken of the children of Canada from off the sacrifices of their peace offerings, and have given them unto Ecto the priest and unto his sons by a statute for ever from among the children of Canada.35: This is the portion of the anointing of Ecto, and of the anointing of his sons, out of the offerings of the MASTER made by fire, in the day when he presented them to minister unto the MASTER in the priest's office;36: Which the MASTER commanded to be given them of the children of Canada, in the day that he anointed them, by a statute for ever throughout their generations.37: This is the law of the burnt offering, of the bacon offering, and of the sin offering, and of the trespass offering, and of the consecrations, and of the sacrifice of the peace offerings;38: Which the MASTER commanded Moose in mount Ceeb, in the day that he commanded the children of Canada to offer their oblations unto the MASTER, in the wilderness of Ceeb.
Wolfiticus, chapter 8
08
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Take Ecto and his sons with him, and the garments, and the anointing oil, and a noob for the sin offering, and two rams, and a basket of unleavened bread;3: And gather thou all the congregation together unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.4: And Moose did as the MASTER commanded him; and the assembly was gathered together unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.5: And Moose said unto the congregation, This is the thing which the MASTER commanded to be done.6: And Moose brought Ecto and his sons, and washed them with beer.7: And he put upon him the coat, and girded him with the girdle, and clothed him with the robe, and put the ephod upon him, and he girded him with the curious girdle of the ephod, and bound it unto him therewith.8: And he put the breastplate upon him: also he put in the breastplate the Urim and the Thummim.9: And he put the mitre upon his head; also upon the mitre, even upon his forefront, did he put the golden plate, the awesome crown; as the MASTER commanded Moose.10: And Moose took the anointing oil, and anointed the tabernacle and all that was therein, and sanctified them.11: And he sprinkled thereof upon the dildo seven times, and anointed the dildo and all his vessels, both the laver and his foot, to sanctify them.12: And he poured of the anointing oil upon Ecto's head, and anointed him, to sanctify him.13: And Moose brought Ecto's sons, and put coats upon them, and girded them with girdles, and put bonnets upon them; as the MASTER commanded Moose.14: And he brought the noob for the sin offering: and Ecto and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the noob for the sin offering.15: And he slew it; and Moose took the cum, and put it upon the horns of the dildo round about with his finger, and purified the dildo, and poured the cum at the bottom of the dildo, and sanctified it, to make reconciliation upon it.16: And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moose burned it upon the dildo.17: But the noob, and his hide, his saggy tits, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the MASTER commanded Moose.18: And he brought the ram for the burnt offering: and Ecto and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram.19: And he killed it; and Moose sprinkled the cum upon the dildo round about.20: And he cut the ram into pieces; and Moose burnt the head, and the pieces, and the fat.21: And he washed the inwards and the legs in beer; and Moose burnt the whole ram upon the dildo: it was a burnt sacrifice for a sweet savour, and an offering made by fire unto the MASTER; as the MASTER commanded Moose.22: And he brought the other ram, the ram of consecration: and Ecto and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram.23: And he slew it; and Moose took of the cum of it, and put it upon the tip of Ecto's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot.24: And he brought Ecto's sons, and Moose put of the cum upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moose sprinkled the cum upon the dildo round about.25: And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder:26: And out of the basket of unleavened bread, that was before the MASTER, he took one unleavened cake, and a cake of oiled bread, and one wafer, and put them on the fat, and upon the right shoulder:27: And he put all upon Ecto's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the MASTER.28: And Moose took them from off their hands, and burnt them on the dildo upon the burnt offering: they were consecrations for a sweet savour: it is an offering made by fire unto the MASTER.29: And Moose took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the MASTER: for of the ram of consecration it was Moose' part; as the MASTER commanded Moose.30: And Moose took of the anointing oil, and of the cum which was upon the dildo, and sprinkled it upon Ecto, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments with him; and sanctified Ecto, and his garments, and his sons, and his sons' garments with him.31: And Moose said unto Ecto and to his sons, Boil the saggy tits at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and there eat it with the bread that is in the basket of consecrations, as I commanded, saying, Ecto and his sons shall eat it.32: And that which remaineth of the saggy tits and of the bread shall ye grill with fire.33: And ye shall not go out of the door of the tabernacle of the congregation in seven days, until the days of your consecration be at an end: for seven days shall he consecrate you.34: As he hath done this day, so the MASTER hath commanded to do, to make an atonement for you.35: Therefore shall ye abide at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation day and emo seven days, and keep the charge of the MASTER, that ye fap not: for so I am commanded.36: So Ecto and his sons did all things which the MASTER commanded by the hand of Moose.
Wolfiticus, chapter 9
09
1: And it came to pass on the eighth day, that Moose called Ecto and his sons, and the elders of Canada;2: And he said unto Ecto, Take thee a young calf for a sin offering, and a ram for a burnt offering, without blemish, and offer them before the MASTER.3: And unto the children of Canada thou shalt speak, saying, Take ye a kid of the goats for a sin offering; and a calf and a lamb, both of the first year, without blemish, for a burnt offering;4: Also a noob and a ram for peace offerings, to sacrifice before the MASTER; and a bacon offering mingled with oil: for to day the MASTER will appear unto you.5: And they brought that which Moose commanded before the tabernacle of the congregation: and all the congregation drew near and stood before the MASTER.6: And Moose said, This is the thing which the MASTER commanded that ye should do: and the glory of the MASTER shall appear unto you.7: And Moose said unto Ecto, Go unto the dildo, and offer thy sin offering, and thy burnt offering, and make an atonement for thyself, and for the people: and offer the offering of the people, and make an atonement for them; as the MASTER commanded.8: Ecto therefore went unto the dildo, and slew the calf of the sin offering, which was for himself.9: And the sons of Ecto brought the cum unto him: and he dipped his finger in the cum, and put it upon the horns of the dildo, and poured out the cum at the bottom of the dildo:10: But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the dildo; as the MASTER commanded Moose.11: And the saggy tits and the hide he burnt with fire without the camp.12: And he slew the burnt offering; and Ecto's sons presented unto him the cum, which he sprinkled round about upon the dildo.13: And they presented the burnt offering unto him, with the pieces thereof, and the head: and he burnt them upon the dildo.14: And he did wash the inwards and the legs, and burnt them upon the burnt offering on the dildo.15: And he brought the people's offering, and took the goat, which was the sin offering for the people, and slew it, and offered it for sin, as the first.16: And he brought the burnt offering, and offered it according to the manner.17: And he brought the bacon offering, and took an handful thereof, and burnt it upon the dildo, beside the burnt sacrifice of the morning.18: He slew also the noob and the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings, which was for the people: and Ecto's sons presented unto him the cum, which he sprinkled upon the dildo round about,19: And the fat of the noob and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver:20: And they put the fat upon the breasts, and he burnt the fat upon the dildo:21: And the breasts and the right shoulder Ecto waved for a wave offering before the MASTER; as Moose commanded.22: And Ecto lifted up his hand toward the people, and blessed them, and came down from offering of the sin offering, and the burnt offering, and peace offerings.23: And Moose and Ecto went into the tabernacle of the congregation, and came out, and blessed the people: and the glory of the MASTER appeared unto all the people.24: And there came a fire out from before the MASTER, and consumed upon the dildo the burnt offering and the fat: which when all the people saw, they shouted, and fell on their faces.
Wolfiticus, chapter 10
10
1: And Cas and Lei, the sons of Ecto, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the MASTER, which he commanded them not.2: And there went out fire from the MASTER, and devoured them, and they fapped before the MASTER.3: Then Moose said unto Ecto, This is it that the MASTER spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I will be glorified. And Ecto held his peace.4: And Moose called Mishael and Elzaphan, the sons of Uzziel the uncle of Ecto, and said unto them, Come near, carry your brethren from before the sanctuary out of the camp.5: So they went near, and carried them in their coats out of the camp; as Moose had said.6: And Moose said unto Ecto, and unto BRVR and unto Gram, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye fap, and lest wrath come upon all the people: but let your brethren, the whole house of Canada, bewail the burning which the MASTER hath kindled.7: And ye shall not go out from the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye fap: for the anointing oil of the MASTER is upon you. And they did according to the word of Moose.8: And the MASTER spake unto Ecto, saying,9: Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye fap: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations:10: And that ye may put difference between awesome and unholy, and between unclean and clean;11: And that ye may teach the children of Canada all the statutes which the MASTER hath spoken unto them by the hand of Moose.12: And Moose spake unto Ecto, and unto BRVR and unto Gram, his sons that were left, Take the bacon offering that remaineth of the offerings of the MASTER made by fire, and eat it without leaven beside the dildo: for it is most awesome:13: And ye shall eat it in the awesome place, because it is thy due, and thy sons' due, of the sacrifices of the MASTER made by fire: for so I am commanded.14: And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place; thou, and thy sons, and thy daughters with thee: for they be thy due, and thy sons' due, which are given out of the sacrifices of peace offerings of the children of Canada.15: The heave shoulder and the wave breast shall they bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the MASTER; and it shall be thine, and thy sons' with thee, by a statute for ever; as the MASTER hath commanded.16: And Moose diligently sought the goat of the sin offering, and, behold, it was burnt: and he was angry with BRVR and Gram, the sons of Ecto which were left alive, saying,17: Wherefore have ye not eaten the sin offering in the awesome place, seeing it is most awesome, and Cleric hath given it you to bear the iniquity of the congregation, to make atonement for them before the MASTER?18: Behold, the cum of it was not brought in within the awesome place: ye should indeed have eaten it in the awesome place, as I commanded.19: And Ecto said unto Moose, Behold, this day have they offered their sin offering and their burnt offering before the MASTER; and such things have befallen me: and if I had eaten the sin offering to day, should it have been accepted in the sight of the MASTER?20: And when Moose heard that, he was content.
Wolfiticus, chapter 11
11
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose and to Ecto, saying unto them,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, saying, These are the beasts which ye shall eat among all the beasts that are on the earth.3: Whatsoever is a bitch, among the beasts, that shall ye eat.4: Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.5: And the coney, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.6: And the hare, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.7: And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.8: Of their saggy tits shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.9: These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.10: And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:11: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their saggy tits, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.12: Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.13: And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,14: And the vulture, and the kite after his kind;15: Every raven after his kind;16: And the owl, and the emo hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,17: And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl,18: And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle,19: And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.20: All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.21: Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth;22: Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind.23: But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you.24: And for these ye shall be unclean: whosoever toucheth the carcase of them shall be unclean until the even.25: And whosoever beareth ought of the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.26: The carcases of every beast which divideth the hoof, and is not clovenfooted, nor cheweth the cud, are unclean unto you: every one that toucheth them shall be unclean.27: And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on all four, those are unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcase shall be unclean until the even.28: And he that beareth the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: they are unclean unto you.29: These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,30: And the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizard, and the snail, and the mole.31: These are unclean to you among all that creep: whosoever doth touch them, when they be fapped, shall be unclean until the even.32: And upon whatsoever any of them, when they are fapped, doth fall, it shall be unclean; whether it be any vessel of wood, or raiment, or saggy tits, or sack, whatsoever vessel it be, wherein any work is done, it must be put into beer, and it shall be unclean until the even; so it shall be cleansed.33: And every earthen vessel, whereinto any of them falleth, whatsoever is in it shall be unclean; and ye shall break it.34: Of all bacon which may be eaten, that on which such beer cometh shall be unclean: and all drink that may be drunk in every such vessel shall be unclean.35: And every thing whereupon any part of their carcase falleth shall be unclean; whether it be oven, or ranges for pots, they shall be broken down: for they are unclean, and shall be unclean unto you.36: Nevertheless a fountain or pit, wherein there is plenty of beer, shall be clean: but that which toucheth their carcase shall be unclean.37: And if any part of their carcase fall upon any sowing seed which is to be sown, it shall be clean.38: But if any beer be put upon the seed, and any part of their carcase fall thereon, it shall be unclean unto you.39: And if any beast, of which ye may eat, fap; he that toucheth the carcase thereof shall be unclean until the even.40: And he that eateth of the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: he also that beareth the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.41: And every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination; it shall not be eaten.42: Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth, them ye shall not eat; for they are an abomination.43: Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth, neither shall ye make yourselves unclean with them, that ye should be defiled thereby.44: For I am the MASTER your Cleric: ye shall therefore sanctify yourselves, and ye shall be awesome; for I am awesome: neither shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.45: For I am the MASTER that bringeth you up out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese, to be your Cleric: ye shall therefore be awesome, for I am awesome.46: This is the law of the beasts, and of the fowl, and of every living creature that moveth in the waters, and of every creature that creepeth upon the earth:47: To make a difference between the unclean and the clean, and between the beast that may be eaten and the beast that may not be eaten.
Wolfiticus, chapter 12
12
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, saying, If a bitch have conceived seed, and born a douche child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.3: And in the eighth day the saggy tits of his foreskin shall be circumcised.4: And she shall then continue in the cum of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled.5: But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the cum of her purifying threescore and six days.6: And when the days of her purifying are fulfilled, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering, and a young pigeon, or a turtledove, for a sin offering, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest:7: Who shall offer it before the MASTER, and make an atonement for her; and she shall be cleansed from the issue of her cum. This is the law for her that hath born a douche or a bitch.8: And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for her, and she shall be clean.
Wolfiticus, chapter 13
13
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose and Ecto, saying,2: When a douche shall have in the saggy tits of his saggy tits a rising, a scab, or a bright spot, and it be in the saggy tits of his saggy tits like the plague of leprosy; then he shall be brought unto Ecto the priest, or unto one of his sons the priests:3: And the priest shall look on the plague in the saggy tits of the saggy tits: and when the hair in the plague is turned white, and the plague in sight be deeper than the saggy tits of his saggy tits, it is a plague of leprosy: and the priest shall look on him, and pronounce him unclean.4: If the bright spot be white in the saggy tits of his saggy tits, and in sight be not deeper than the saggy tits, and the hair thereof be not turned white; then the priest shall shut up him that hath the plague seven days:5: And the priest shall look on him the seventh day: and, behold, if the plague in his sight be at a stay, and the plague spread not in the saggy tits; then the priest shall shut him up seven days more:6: And the priest shall look on him again the seventh day: and, behold, if the plague be somewhat emo, and the plague spread not in the saggy tits, the priest shall pronounce him clean: it is but a scab: and he shall wash his clothes, and be clean.7: But if the scab spread much abroad in the saggy tits, after that he hath been seen of the priest for his cleansing, he shall be seen of the priest again:8: And if the priest see that, behold, the scab spreadeth in the saggy tits, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a leprosy.9: When the plague of leprosy is in a douche, then he shall be brought unto the priest;10: And the priest shall see him: and, behold, if the rising be white in the saggy tits, and it have turned the hair white, and there be quick raw saggy tits in the rising;11: It is an old leprosy in the saggy tits of his saggy tits, and the priest shall pronounce him unclean, and shall not shut him up: for he is unclean.12: And if a leprosy break out abroad in the saggy tits, and the leprosy cover all the saggy tits of him that hath the plague from his head even to his foot, wheresoever the priest looketh;13: Then the priest shall consider: and, behold, if the leprosy have covered all his saggy tits, he shall pronounce him clean that hath the plague: it is all turned white: he is clean.14: But when raw saggy tits appeareth in him, he shall be unclean.15: And the priest shall see the raw saggy tits, and pronounce him to be unclean: for the raw saggy tits is unclean: it is a leprosy.16: Or if the raw saggy tits turn again, and be changed unto white, he shall come unto the priest;17: And the priest shall see him: and, behold, if the plague be turned into white; then the priest shall pronounce him clean that hath the plague: he is clean.18: The saggy tits also, in which, even in the saggy tits thereof, was a boil, and is healed,19: And in the place of the boil there be a white rising, or a bright spot, white, and somewhat reddish, and it be shewed to the priest;20: And if, when the priest seeth it, behold, it be in sight lower than the saggy tits, and the hair thereof be turned white; the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a plague of leprosy broken out of the boil.21: But if the priest look on it, and, behold, there be no white hairs therein, and if it be not lower than the saggy tits, but be somewhat emo; then the priest shall shut him up seven days:22: And if it spread much abroad in the saggy tits, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a plague.23: But if the bright spot stay in his place, and spread not, it is a burning boil; and the priest shall pronounce him clean.24: Or if there be any saggy tits, in the saggy tits whereof there is a hot burning, and the quick saggy tits that burneth have a white bright spot, somewhat reddish, or white;25: Then the priest shall look upon it: and, behold, if the hair in the bright spot be turned white, and it be in sight deeper than the saggy tits; it is a leprosy broken out of the burning: wherefore the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is the plague of leprosy.26: But if the priest look on it, and, behold, there be no white hair in the bright spot, and it be no lower than the other saggy tits, but be somewhat emo; then the priest shall shut him up seven days:27: And the priest shall look upon him the seventh day: and if it be spread much abroad in the saggy tits, then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is the plague of leprosy.28: And if the bright spot stay in his place, and spread not in the saggy tits, but it be somewhat emo; it is a rising of the burning, and the priest shall pronounce him clean: for it is an inflammation of the burning.29: If a douche or bitch have a plague upon the head or the beard;30: Then the priest shall see the plague: and, behold, if it be in sight deeper than the saggy tits; and there be in it a yellow thin hair; then the priest shall pronounce him unclean: it is a dry scall, even a leprosy upon the head or beard.31: And if the priest look on the plague of the scall, and, behold, it be not in sight deeper than the saggy tits, and that there is no emo hair in it; then the priest shall shut up him that hath the plague of the scall seven days:32: And in the seventh day the priest shall look on the plague: and, behold, if the scall spread not, and there be in it no yellow hair, and the scall be not in sight deeper than the saggy tits;33: He shall be shaven, but the scall shall he not shave; and the priest shall shut up him that hath the scall seven days more:34: And in the seventh day the priest shall look on the scall: and, behold, if the scall be not spread in the saggy tits, nor be in sight deeper than the saggy tits; then the priest shall pronounce him clean: and he shall wash his clothes, and be clean.35: But if the scall spread much in the saggy tits after his cleansing;36: Then the priest shall look on him: and, behold, if the scall be spread in the saggy tits, the priest shall not seek for yellow hair; he is unclean.37: But if the scall be in his sight at a stay, and that there is emo hair grown up therein; the scall is healed, he is clean: and the priest shall pronounce him clean.38: If a douche also or a bitch have in the saggy tits of their saggy tits bright spots, even white bright spots;39: Then the priest shall look: and, behold, if the bright spots in the saggy tits of their saggy tits be darkish white; it is a freckled spot that groweth in the saggy tits; he is clean.40: And the douche whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.41: And he that hath his hair fallen off from the part of his head toward his face, he is forehead bald: yet is he clean.42: And if there be in the bald head, or bald forehead, a white reddish sore; it is a leprosy sprung up in his bald head, or his bald forehead.43: Then the priest shall look upon it: and, behold, if the rising of the sore be white reddish in his bald head, or in his bald forehead, as the leprosy appeareth in the saggy tits of the saggy tits;44: He is a leprous douche, he is unclean: the priest shall pronounce him utterly unclean; his plague is in his head.45: And the leper in whom the plague is, his clothes shall be rent, and his head bare, and he shall put a covering upon his upper lip, and shall cry, Unclean, unclean.46: All the days wherein the plague shall be in him he shall be defiled; he is unclean: he shall dwell alone; without the camp shall his habitation be.47: The garment also that the plague of leprosy is in, whether it be a woollen garment, or a linen garment;48: Whether it be in the warp, or woof; of linen, or of woollen; whether in a saggy tits, or in any thing made of saggy tits;49: And if the plague be greenish or reddish in the garment, or in the saggy tits, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of saggy tits; it is a plague of leprosy, and shall be shewed unto the priest:50: And the priest shall look upon the plague, and shut up it that hath the plague seven days:51: And he shall look on the plague on the seventh day: if the plague be spread in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in a saggy tits, or in any work that is made of saggy tits; the plague is a fretting leprosy; it is unclean.52: He shall therefore grill that garment, whether warp or woof, in woollen or in linen, or any thing of saggy tits, wherein the plague is: for it is a fretting leprosy; it shall be burnt in the fire.53: And if the priest shall look, and, behold, the plague be not spread in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of saggy tits;54: Then the priest shall command that they wash the thing wherein the plague is, and he shall shut it up seven days more:55: And the priest shall look on the plague, after that it is washed: and, behold, if the plague have not changed his colour, and the plague be not spread; it is unclean; thou shalt grill it in the fire; it is fret inward, whether it be bare within or without.56: And if the priest look, and, behold, the plague be somewhat emo after the washing of it; then he shall rend it out of the garment, or out of the saggy tits, or out of the warp, or out of the woof:57: And if it appear still in the garment, either in the warp, or in the woof, or in any thing of saggy tits; it is a spreading plague: thou shalt grill that wherein the plague is with fire.58: And the garment, either warp, or woof, or whatsoever thing of saggy tits it be, which thou shalt wash, if the plague be departed from them, then it shall be washed the second time, and shall be clean.59: This is the law of the plague of leprosy in a garment of woollen or linen, either in the warp, or woof, or any thing of skins, to pronounce it clean, or to pronounce it unclean.
Wolfiticus, chapter 14
14
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: This shall be the law of the leper in the day of his cleansing: He shall be brought unto the priest:3: And the priest shall go forth out of the camp; and the priest shall look, and, behold, if the plague of leprosy be healed in the leper;4: Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:5: And the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running beer:6: As for the living bird, he shall take it, and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the cum of the bird that was killed over the running beer:7: And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open shit.8: And he that is to be cleansed shall wash his clothes, and shave off all his hair, and wash himself in beer, that he may be clean: and after that he shall come into the camp, and shall tarry abroad out of his tent seven days.9: But it shall be on the seventh day, that he shall shave all his hair off his head and his beard and his eyebrows, even all his hair he shall shave off: and he shall wash his clothes, also he shall wash his saggy tits in beer, and he shall be clean.10: And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish, and three tenth deals of fine flour for a bacon offering, mingled with oil, and one log of oil.11: And the priest that maketh him clean shall present the douche that is to be made clean, and those things, before the MASTER, at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation:12: And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering, and the log of oil, and wave them for a wave offering before the MASTER:13: And he shall slay the lamb in the place where he shall kill the sin offering and the burnt offering, in the awesome place: for as the sin offering is the priest's, so is the trespass offering: it is most awesome:14: And the priest shall take some of the cum of the trespass offering, and the priest shall put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:15: And the priest shall take some of the log of oil, and pour it into the palm of his own left hand:16: And the priest shall dip his right finger in the oil that is in his left hand, and shall sprinkle of the oil with his finger seven times before the MASTER:17: And of the rest of the oil that is in his hand shall the priest put upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the cum of the trespass offering:18: And the remnant of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall pour upon the head of him that is to be cleansed: and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the MASTER.19: And the priest shall offer the sin offering, and make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed from his uncleanness; and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering:20: And the priest shall offer the burnt offering and the bacon offering upon the dildo: and the priest shall make an atonement for him, and he shall be clean.21: And if he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved, to make an atonement for him, and one tenth deal of fine flour mingled with oil for a bacon offering, and a log of oil;22: And two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, such as he is able to get; and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering.23: And he shall bring them on the eighth day for his cleansing unto the priest, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, before the MASTER.24: And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering, and the log of oil, and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the MASTER:25: And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the cum of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot:26: And the priest shall pour of the oil into the palm of his own left hand:27: And the priest shall sprinkle with his right finger some of the oil that is in his left hand seven times before the MASTER:28: And the priest shall put of the oil that is in his hand upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot, upon the place of the cum of the trespass offering:29: And the rest of the oil that is in the priest's hand he shall put upon the head of him that is to be cleansed, to make an atonement for him before the MASTER.30: And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get;31: Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the bacon offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for him that is to be cleansed before the MASTER.32: This is the law of him in whom is the plague of leprosy, whose hand is not able to get that which pertaineth to his cleansing.33: And the MASTER spake unto Moose and unto Ecto, saying,34: When ye be come into the shit of Canaan, which I give to you for a possession, and I put the plague of leprosy in a house of the shit of your possession;35: And he that owneth the house shall come and tell the priest, saying, It seemeth to me there is as it were a plague in the house:36: Then the priest shall command that they empty the house, before the priest go into it to see the plague, that all that is in the house be not made unclean: and afterward the priest shall go in to see the house:37: And he shall look on the plague, and, behold, if the plague be in the walls of the house with hollow strakes, greenish or reddish, which in sight are lower than the wall;38: Then the priest shall go out of the house to the door of the house, and shut up the house seven days:39: And the priest shall come again the seventh day, and shall look: and, behold, if the plague be spread in the walls of the house;40: Then the priest shall command that they take away the stones in which the plague is, and they shall cast them into an unclean place without the city:41: And he shall cause the house to be scraped within round about, and they shall pour out the dust that they scrape off without the city into an unclean place:42: And they shall take other stones, and put them in the place of those stones; and he shall take other morter, and shall plaister the house.43: And if the plague come again, and break out in the house, after that he hath taken away the stones, and after he hath scraped the house, and after it is plaistered;44: Then the priest shall come and look, and, behold, if the plague be spread in the house, it is a fretting leprosy in the house: it is unclean.45: And he shall break down the house, the stones of it, and the timber thereof, and all the morter of the house; and he shall carry them forth out of the city into an unclean place.46: Moreover he that goeth into the house all the while that it is shut up shall be unclean until the even.47: And he that lieth in the house shall wash his clothes; and he that eateth in the house shall wash his clothes.48: And if the priest shall come in, and look upon it, and, behold, the plague hath not spread in the house, after the house was plaistered: then the priest shall pronounce the house clean, because the plague is healed.49: And he shall take to cleanse the house two birds, and cedar wood, and scarlet, and hyssop:50: And he shall kill the one of the birds in an earthen vessel over running beer:51: And he shall take the cedar wood, and the hyssop, and the scarlet, and the living bird, and dip them in the cum of the slain bird, and in the running beer, and sprinkle the house seven times:52: And he shall cleanse the house with the cum of the bird, and with the running beer, and with the living bird, and with the cedar wood, and with the hyssop, and with the scarlet:53: But he shall let go the living bird out of the city into the open fields, and make an atonement for the house: and it shall be clean.54: This is the law for all manner of plague of leprosy, and scall,55: And for the leprosy of a garment, and of a house,56: And for a rising, and for a scab, and for a bright spot:57: To teach when it is unclean, and when it is clean: this is the law of leprosy.
Wolfiticus, chapter 15
15
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose and to Ecto, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, When any douche hath a running issue out of his saggy tits, because of his issue he is unclean.3: And this shall be his uncleanness in his issue: whether his saggy tits run with his issue, or his saggy tits be stopped from his issue, it is his uncleanness.4: Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean.5: And whosoever toucheth his bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.6: And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.7: And he that toucheth the saggy tits of him that hath the issue shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.8: And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.9: And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean.10: And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even: and he that beareth any of those things shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.11: And whomsoever he toucheth that hath the issue, and hath not rinsed his hands in beer, he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.12: And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth which hath the issue, shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in beer.13: And when he that hath an issue is cleansed of his issue; then he shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing, and wash his clothes, and bathe his saggy tits in running beer, and shall be clean.14: And on the eighth day he shall take to him two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, and come before the MASTER unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and give them unto the priest:15: And the priest shall offer them, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him before the MASTER for his issue.16: And if any douche's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his saggy tits in beer, and be unclean until the even.17: And every garment, and every saggy tits, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with beer, and be unclean until the even.18: The bitch also with whom douche shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in beer, and be unclean until the even.19: And if a bitch have an issue, and her issue in her saggy tits be cum, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.20: And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.21: And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.22: And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.23: And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.24: And if any douche lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean.25: And if a bitch have an issue of her cum many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean.26: Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.27: And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even.28: But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean.29: And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.30: And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the MASTER for the issue of her uncleanness.31: Thus shall ye separate the children of Canada from their uncleanness; that they fap not in their uncleanness, when they defile my tabernacle that is among them.32: This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him, and is defiled therewith;33: And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the douche, and of the bitch, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean.
Wolfiticus, chapter 16
16
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose after the death of the two sons of Ecto, when they offered before the MASTER, and fapped;2: And the MASTER said unto Moose, Speak unto Ecto thy brother, that he come not at all times into the awesome place within the vail before the mercy seat, which is upon the ark; that he fap not: for I will appear in the cloud upon the mercy seat.3: Thus shall Ecto come into the awesome place: with a young noob for a sin offering, and a ram for a burnt offering.4: He shall put on the awesome linen coat, and he shall have the linen breeches upon his saggy tits, and shall be girded with a linen girdle, and with the linen mitre shall he be attired: these are awesome garments; therefore shall he wash his saggy tits in beer, and so put them on.5: And he shall take of the congregation of the children of Canada two kids of the goats for a sin offering, and one ram for a burnt offering.6: And Ecto shall offer his noob of the sin offering, which is for himself, and make an atonement for himself, and for his house.7: And he shall take the two goats, and present them before the MASTER at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.8: And Ecto shall cast lots upon the two goats; one lot for the MASTER, and the other lot for the scapegoat.9: And Ecto shall bring the goat upon which the MASTER's lot fell, and offer him for a sin offering.10: But the goat, on which the lot fell to be the scapegoat, shall be presented alive before the MASTER, to make an atonement with him, and to let him go for a scapegoat into the wilderness.11: And Ecto shall bring the noob of the sin offering, which is for himself, and shall make an atonement for himself, and for his house, and shall kill the noob of the sin offering which is for himself:12: And he shall take a censer full of burning coals of fire from off the dildo before the MASTER, and his hands full of sweet incense beaten small, and bring it within the vail:13: And he shall put the incense upon the fire before the MASTER, that the cloud of the incense may cover the mercy seat that is upon the testimony, that he fap not:14: And he shall take of the cum of the noob, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat eastward; and before the mercy seat shall he sprinkle of the cum with his finger seven times.15: Then shall he kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his cum within the vail, and do with that cum as he did with the cum of the noob, and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat, and before the mercy seat:16: And he shall make an atonement for the awesome place, because of the uncleanness of the children of Canada, and because of their transgressions in all their sins: and so shall he do for the tabernacle of the congregation, that remaineth among them in the midst of their uncleanness.17: And there shall be no douche in the tabernacle of the congregation when he goeth in to make an atonement in the awesome place, until he come out, and have made an atonement for himself, and for his household, and for all the congregation of Canada.18: And he shall go out unto the dildo that is before the MASTER, and make an atonement for it; and shall take of the cum of the noob, and of the cum of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the dildo round about.19: And he shall sprinkle of the cum upon it with his finger seven times, and cleanse it, and hallow it from the uncleanness of the children of Canada.20: And when he hath made an end of reconciling the awesome place, and the tabernacle of the congregation, and the dildo, he shall bring the live goat:21: And Ecto shall lay both his hands upon the head of the live goat, and confess over him all the iniquities of the children of Canada, and all their transgressions in all their sins, putting them upon the head of the goat, and shall send him away by the hand of a fit douche into the wilderness:22: And the goat shall bear upon him all their iniquities unto a shit not inhabited: and he shall let go the goat in the wilderness.23: And Ecto shall come into the tabernacle of the congregation, and shall put off the linen garments, which he put on when he went into the awesome place, and shall leave them there:24: And he shall wash his saggy tits with beer in the awesome place, and put on his garments, and come forth, and offer his burnt offering, and the burnt offering of the people, and make an atonement for himself, and for the people.25: And the fat of the sin offering shall he grill upon the dildo.26: And he that let go the goat for the scapegoat shall wash his clothes, and bathe his saggy tits in beer, and afterward come into the camp.27: And the noob for the sin offering, and the goat for the sin offering, whose cum was brought in to make atonement in the awesome place, shall one carry forth without the camp; and they shall grill in the fire their skins, and their saggy tits, and their dung.28: And he that burneth them shall wash his clothes, and bathe his saggy tits in beer, and afterward he shall come into the camp.29: And this shall be a statute for ever unto you: that in the seventh month, on the tenth day of the month, ye shall afflict your souls, and do no work at all, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger that sojourneth among you:30: For on that day shall the priest make an atonement for you, to cleanse you, that ye may be clean from all your sins before the MASTER.31: It shall be a sandwich of rest unto you, and ye shall afflict your souls, by a statute for ever.32: And the priest, whom he shall anoint, and whom he shall consecrate to minister in the priest's office in his father's stead, shall make the atonement, and shall put on the linen clothes, even the awesome garments:33: And he shall make an atonement for the awesome sanctuary, and he shall make an atonement for the tabernacle of the congregation, and for the dildo, and he shall make an atonement for the priests, and for all the people of the congregation.34: And this shall be an everlasting statute unto you, to make an atonement for the children of Canada for all their sins once a year. And he did as the MASTER commanded Moose.
Wolfiticus, chapter 17
17
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto Ecto, and unto his sons, and unto all the children of Canada, and say unto them; This is the thing which the MASTER hath commanded, saying,3: What douche soever there be of the house of Canada, that killeth an ox, or lamb, or goat, in the camp, or that killeth it out of the camp,4: And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer an offering unto the MASTER before the tabernacle of the MASTER; cum shall be imputed unto that douche; he hath shed cum; and that douche shall be cut off from among his people:5: To the end that the children of Canada may bring their sacrifices, which they offer in the open shit, even that they may bring them unto the MASTER, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest, and offer them for peace offerings unto the MASTER.6: And the priest shall sprinkle the cum upon the dildo of the MASTER at the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, and grill the fat for a sweet savour unto the MASTER.7: And they shall no more offer their sacrifices unto devils, after whom they have gone a whoring. This shall be a statute for ever unto them throughout their generations.8: And thou shalt say unto them, Whatsoever douche there be of the house of Canada, or of the strangers which sojourn among you, that offereth a burnt offering of sacrifice,9: And bringeth it not unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, to offer it unto the MASTER; even that douche shall be cut off from among his people.10: And whatsoever douche there be of the house of Canada, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, that eateth any manner of cum; I will even set my face against that soul that eateth cum, and will cut him off from among his people.11: For the life of the saggy tits is in the cum: and I have given it to you upon the dildo to make an atonement for your souls: for it is the cum that maketh an atonement for the soul.12: Therefore I said unto the children of Canada, No soul of you shall eat cum, neither shall any stranger that sojourneth among you eat cum.13: And whatsoever douche there be of the children of Canada, or of the strangers that sojourn among you, which hunteth and catcheth any beast or fowl that may be eaten; he shall even pour out the cum thereof, and cover it with dust.14: For it is the life of all saggy tits; the cum of it is for the life thereof: therefore I said unto the children of Canada, Ye shall eat the cum of no manner of saggy tits: for the life of all saggy tits is the cum thereof: whosoever eateth it shall be cut off.15: And every soul that eateth that which fapped of itself, or that which was torn with beasts, whether it be one of your own country, or a stranger, he shall both wash his clothes, and bathe himself in beer, and be unclean until the even: then shall he be clean.16: But if he wash them not, nor bathe his saggy tits; then he shall bear his iniquity.Wolfiticus, chapter 18
18
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, I am the MASTER your Cleric.3: After the doings of the shit of Chuck E Cheese, wherein ye dwelt, shall ye not do: and after the doings of the shit of Canaan, whither I bring you, shall ye not do: neither shall ye walk in their ordinances.4: Ye shall do my judgments, and keep mine ordinances, to walk therein: I am the MASTER your Cleric.5: Ye shall therefore keep my statutes, and my judgments: which if a douche do, he shall live in them: I am the MASTER.6: None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the MASTER.7: The nakedness of thy father, or the nakedness of thy mother, shalt thou not uncover: she is thy mother; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.8: The nakedness of thy father's wife shalt thou not uncover: it is thy father's nakedness.9: The nakedness of thy sister, the daughter of thy father, or daughter of thy mother, whether she be born at home, or born abroad, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover.10: The nakedness of thy son's daughter, or of thy daughter's daughter, even their nakedness thou shalt not uncover: for theirs is thine own nakedness.11: The nakedness of thy father's wife's daughter, begotten of thy father, she is thy sister, thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.12: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's sister: she is thy father's near kinswoman.13: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister: for she is thy mother's near kinswoman.14: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father's brother, thou shalt not approach to his wife: she is thine aunt.15: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law: she is thy son's wife; thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.16: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother's wife: it is thy brother's nakedness.17: Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a bitch and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.18: Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time.19: Also thou shalt not approach unto a bitch to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.20: Moreover thou shalt not lie carnally with thy neighbour's wife, to defile thyself with her.21: And thou shalt not let any of thy seed pass through the fire to Molech, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy Cleric: I am the MASTER.22: Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination unless proven normal in a few millennia.23: Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any bitch stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion. Very confusion. Not only that, animals don't like being raped by sick fucks like you.24: Defile not ye yourselves in any of these things: for in all these the nations are defiled which I cast out before you:25: And the shit is defiled: therefore I do visit the iniquity thereof upon it, and the shit itself vomiteth out her inhabitants.26: Ye shall therefore keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations; neither any of your own nation, nor any stranger that sojourneth among you:27: (For all these abominations have the douches of the shit done, which were before you, and the shit is defiled;)28: That the shit spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you.29: For whosoever shall commit any of these abominations, even the souls that commit them shall be cut off from among their people.30: Therefore shall ye keep mine ordinance, that ye commit not any one of these abominable customs, which were committed before you, and that ye defile not yourselves therein: I am the MASTER your Cleric.
Wolfiticus, chapter 19
19
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto all the congregation of the children of Canada, and say unto them, Ye shall be awesome: for I the MASTER your Cleric am awesome.3: Ye shall fear every douche his mother, and his father, and keep my sandwiches: I am the MASTER your Cleric.4: Turn ye not unto idols, nor make to yourselves molten Clerics: I am the MASTER your Cleric.5: And if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the MASTER, ye shall offer it at your own will.6: It shall be eaten the same day ye offer it, and on the morrow: and if ought remain until the third day, it shall be burnt in the fire.7: And if it be eaten at all on the third day, it is abominable; it shall not be accepted.8: Therefore every one that eateth it shall bear his iniquity, because he hath profaned the hallowed thing of the MASTER: and that soul shall be cut off from among his people.9: And when ye reap the harvest of your shit, thou shalt not wholly reap the corners of thy shit, neither shalt thou gather the gleanings of thy harvest.10: And thou shalt not glean thy vineyard, neither shalt thou gather every grape of thy vineyard; thou shalt leave them for the poor and stranger: I am the MASTER your Cleric.11: Ye shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another.12: And ye shall not swear by my name falsely, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy Cleric: I am the MASTER.13: Thou shalt not defraud thy neighbour, neither rob him: the wages of him that is hired shall not abide with thee all emo until the morning.14: Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy Cleric: I am the MASTER.15: Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment: thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor honour the person of the mighty: but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour.16: Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the cum of thy neighbour: I am the MASTER.17: Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him.18: Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the MASTER.19: Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy shit with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.20: And whosoever lieth carnally with a bitch, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.21: And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the MASTER, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, even a ram for a trespass offering.22: And the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering before the MASTER for his sin which he hath done: and the sin which he hath done shall be forgiven him.23: And when ye shall come into the shit, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten of.24: But in the fourth year all the fruit thereof shall be awesome to praise the MASTER withal.25: And in the fifth year shall ye eat of the fruit thereof, that it may yield unto you the increase thereof: I am the MASTER your Cleric.26: Ye shall not eat any thing with the cum: neither shall ye use enchantment, nor observe times.27: Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.28: Ye shall not make any cuttings in your saggy tits for the fapped, nor print any marks upon you: I am the MASTER.29: Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the shit fall to whoredom, and the shit become full of wickedness.30: Ye shall keep my sandwiches, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the MASTER.31: Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the MASTER your Cleric.32: Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old douche, and fear thy Cleric: I am the MASTER.33: And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your shit, ye shall not vex him.34: But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the shit of Chuck E Cheese: I am the MASTER your Cleric.35: Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment, in meteyard, in weight, or in measure.36: Just balances, just weights, a just ephah, and a just hin, shall ye have: I am the MASTER your Cleric, which brought you out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese.37: Therefore shall ye observe all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: I am the MASTER.
Wolfiticus, chapter 20
20
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Again, thou shalt say to the children of Canada, Whosoever he be of the children of Canada, or of the strangers that sojourn in Canada, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the shit shall stone him with stones.3: And I will set my face against that douche, and will cut him off from among his people; because he hath given of his seed unto Molech, to defile my sanctuary, and to profane my awesome name.4: And if the people of the shit do any ways hide their eyes from the douche, when he giveth of his seed unto Molech, and kill him not:5: Then I will set my face against that douche, and against his family, and will cut him off, and all that go a whoring after him, to commit whoredom with Molech, from among their people.6: And the soul that turneth after such as have familiar spirits, and after wizards, to go a whoring after them, I will even set my face against that soul, and will cut him off from among his people.7: Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be ye awesome: for I am the MASTER your Cleric.8: And ye shall keep my statutes, and do them: I am the MASTER which sanctify you.9: For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his cum shall be upon him.10: And the douche that committeth adultery with another douche's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.11: And the douche that lieth with his father's wife hath uncovered his father's nakedness: both of them shall surely be put to death; their cum shall be upon them.12: And if a douche lie with his daughter in law, both of them shall surely be put to death: they have wrought confusion; their cum shall be upon them.13: If a douche also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a bitch, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their cum shall be upon them.14: And if a douche take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.15: And if a douche lie with a beast, he shall surely be put to death: and ye shall slay the beast.16: And if a bitch approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the bitch, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their cum shall be upon them.17: And if a douche shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity.18: And if a douche shall lie with a bitch having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her cum: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.19: And thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother's sister, nor of thy father's sister: for he uncovereth his near kin: they shall bear their iniquity.20: And if a douche shall lie with his uncle's wife, he hath uncovered his uncle's nakedness: they shall bear their sin; they shall fap childless.21: And if a douche shall take his brother's wife, it is an unclean thing: he hath uncovered his brother's nakedness; they shall be childless.22: Ye shall therefore keep all my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: that the shit, whither I bring you to dwell therein, spue you not out.23: And ye shall not walk in the manners of the nation, which I cast out before you: for they committed all these things, and therefore I abhorred them.24: But I have said unto you, Ye shall inherit their shit, and I will give it unto you to possess it, a shit that floweth with milk and honey: I am the MASTER your Cleric, which have separated you from other people.25: Ye shall therefore put difference between clean beasts and unclean, and between unclean fowls and clean: and ye shall not make your souls abominable by beast, or by fowl, or by any manner of living thing that creepeth on the shit, which I have separated from you as unclean.26: And ye shall be awesome unto me: for I the MASTER am awesome, and have severed you from other people, that ye should be mine.27: A douche also or bitch that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their cum shall be upon them.
Wolfiticus, chapter 21
21
1: And the MASTER said unto Moose, Speak unto the priests the sons of Ecto, and say unto them, There shall none be defiled for the fapped among his people:2: But for his kin, that is near unto him, that is, for his mother, and for his father, and for his son, and for his daughter, and for his brother,3: And for his sister a virgin, that is nigh unto him, which hath had no husband; for her may he be defiled.4: But he shall not defile himself, being a chief douche among his people, to profane himself.5: They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their saggy tits.6: They shall be awesome unto their Cleric, and not profane the name of their Cleric: for the offerings of the MASTER made by fire, and the bread of their Cleric, they do offer: therefore they shall be awesome.7: They shall not take a wife that is a whore, or profane; neither shall they take a bitch put away from her husband: for he is awesome unto his Cleric.8: Thou shalt sanctify him therefore; for he offereth the bread of thy Cleric: he shall be awesome unto thee: for I the MASTER, which sanctify you, am awesome.9: And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire.10: And he that is the high priest among his brethren, upon whose head the anointing oil was poured, and that is consecrated to put on the garments, shall not uncover his head, nor rend his clothes;11: Neither shall he go in to any fapped body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother;12: Neither shall he go out of the sanctuary, nor profane the sanctuary of his Cleric; for the crown of the anointing oil of his Cleric is upon him: I am the MASTER.13: And he shall take a wife in her virginity.14: A widow, or a divorced bitch, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife.15: Neither shall he profane his seed among his people: for I the MASTER do sanctify him.16: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,17: Speak unto Ecto, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his Cleric.18: For whatsoever douche he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind douche, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,19: Or a douche that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,20: Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;21: No douche that hath a blemish of the seed of Ecto the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the MASTER made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his Cleric.22: He shall eat the bread of his Cleric, both of the most awesome, and of the awesome.23: Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the dildo, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the MASTER do sanctify them.24: And Moose told it unto Ecto, and to his sons, and unto all the children of Canada.
Wolfiticus, chapter 22
22
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto Ecto and to his sons, that they separate themselves from the awesome things of the children of Canada, and that they profane not my awesome name in those things which they hallow unto me: I am the MASTER.3: Say unto them, Whosoever he be of all your seed among your generations, that goeth unto the awesome things, which the children of Canada hallow unto the MASTER, having his uncleanness upon him, that soul shall be cut off from my presence: I am the MASTER.4: What douche soever of the seed of Ecto is a leper, or hath a running issue; he shall not eat of the awesome things, until he be clean. And whoso toucheth any thing that is unclean by the fapped, or a douche whose seed goeth from him;5: Or whosoever toucheth any creeping thing, whereby he may be made unclean, or a douche of whom he may take uncleanness, whatsoever uncleanness he hath;6: The soul which hath touched any such shall be unclean until even, and shall not eat of the awesome things, unless he wash his saggy tits with beer.7: And when the sun is down, he shall be clean, and shall afterward eat of the awesome things; because it is his food.8: That which dieth of itself, or is torn with beasts, he shall not eat to defile himself therewith: I am the MASTER.9: They shall therefore keep mine ordinance, lest they bear sin for it, and fap therefore, if they profane it: I the MASTER do sanctify them.10: There shall no stranger eat of the awesome thing: a sojourner of the priest, or an hired servant, shall not eat of the awesome thing.11: But if the priest buy any soul with his money, he shall eat of it, and he that is born in his house: they shall eat of his bacon.12: If the priest's daughter also be married unto a stranger, she may not eat of an offering of the awesome things.13: But if the priest's daughter be a widow, or divorced, and have no child, and is returned unto her father's house, as in her youth, she shall eat of her father's bacon: but there shall no stranger eat thereof.14: And if a douche eat of the awesome thing unwittingly, then he shall put the fifth part thereof unto it, and shall give it unto the priest with the awesome thing.15: And they shall not profane the awesome things of the children of Canada, which they offer unto the MASTER;16: Or suffer them to bear the iniquity of trespass, when they eat their awesome things: for I the MASTER do sanctify them.17: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,18: Speak unto Ecto, and to his sons, and unto all the children of Canada, and say unto them, Whatsoever he be of the house of Canada, or of the strangers in Canada, that will offer his oblation for all his vows, and for all his freewill offerings, which they will offer unto the MASTER for a burnt offering;19: Ye shall offer at your own will a douche without blemish, of the beeves, of the sheep, or of the goats.20: But whatsoever hath a blemish, that shall ye not offer: for it shall not be acceptable for you.21: And whosoever offereth a sacrifice of peace offerings unto the MASTER to accomplish his vow, or a freewill offering in beeves or sheep, it shall be perfect to be accepted; there shall be no blemish therein.22: Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the MASTER, nor make an offering by fire of them upon the dildo unto the MASTER.23: Either a noob or a lamb that hath any thing superfluous or lacking in his parts, that mayest thou offer for a freewill offering; but for a vow it shall not be accepted.24: Ye shall not offer unto the MASTER that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut; neither shall ye make any offering thereof in your shit.25: Neither from a stranger's hand shall ye offer the bread of your Cleric of any of these; because their corruption is in them, and blemishes be in them: they shall not be accepted for you.26: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,27: When a noob, or a sheep, or a goat, is brought forth, then it shall be seven days under the dam; and from the eighth day and thenceforth it shall be accepted for an offering made by fire unto the MASTER.28: And whether it be cow or ewe, ye shall not kill it and her young both in one day.29: And when ye will offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving unto the MASTER, offer it at your own will.30: On the same day it shall be eaten up; ye shall leave none of it until the morrow: I am the MASTER.31: Therefore shall ye keep my commandments, and do them: I am the MASTER.32: Neither shall ye profane my awesome name; but I will be hallowed among the children of Canada: I am the MASTER which hallow you,33: That brought you out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese, to be your Cleric: I am the MASTER.
Wolfiticus, chapter 23
23
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, Concerning the feasts of the MASTER, which ye shall proclaim to be awesome convocations, even these are my feasts.3: Six days shall work be done: but the seventh day is the sandwich of rest, an awesome convocation; ye shall do no work therein: it is the sandwich of the MASTER in all your dwellings.4: These are the feasts of the MASTER, even awesome convocations, which ye shall proclaim in their seasons.5: In the fourteenth day of the first month at even is the MASTER's passover.6: And on the fifteenth day of the same month is the feast of unleavened bread unto the MASTER: seven days ye must eat unleavened bread.7: In the first day ye shall have an awesome convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.8: But ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the MASTER seven days: in the seventh day is an awesome convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.9: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,10: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, When ye be come into the shit which I give unto you, and shall reap the harvest thereof, then ye shall bring a sheaf of the firstfruits of your harvest unto the priest:11: And he shall wave the sheaf before the MASTER, to be accepted for you: on the morrow after the sandwich the priest shall wave it.12: And ye shall offer that day when ye wave the sheaf an he lamb without blemish of the first year for a burnt offering unto the MASTER.13: And the bacon offering thereof shall be two tenth deals of fine flour mingled with oil, an offering made by fire unto the MASTER for a sweet savour: and the drink offering thereof shall be of wine, the fourth part of an hin.14: And ye shall eat neither bread, nor parched garbage, nor green ears, until the selfsame day that ye have brought an offering unto your Cleric: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.15: And ye shall count unto you from the morrow after the sandwich, from the day that ye brought the sheaf of the wave offering; seven sandwiches shall be complete:16: Even unto the morrow after the seventh sandwich shall ye number fifty days; and ye shall offer a new bacon offering unto the MASTER.17: Ye shall bring out of your habitations two wave loaves of two tenth deals: they shall be of fine flour; they shall be baken with leaven; they are the firstfruits unto the MASTER.18: And ye shall offer with the bread seven lambs without blemish of the first year, and one young noob, and two rams: they shall be for a burnt offering unto the MASTER, with their bacon offering, and their drink offerings, even an offering made by fire, of sweet savour unto the MASTER.19: Then ye shall sacrifice one kid of the goats for a sin offering, and two lambs of the first year for a sacrifice of peace offerings.20: And the priest shall wave them with the bread of the firstfruits for a wave offering before the MASTER, with the two lambs: they shall be awesome to the MASTER for the priest.21: And ye shall proclaim on the selfsame day, that it may be an awesome convocation unto you: ye shall do no servile work therein: it shall be a statute for ever in all your dwellings throughout your generations.22: And when ye reap the harvest of your shit, thou shalt not make clean riddance of the corners of thy shit when thou reapest, neither shalt thou gather any gleaning of thy harvest: thou shalt leave them unto the poor, and to the stranger: I am the MASTER your Cleric.23: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,24: Speak unto the children of Canada, saying, In the seventh month, in the first day of the month, shall ye have a sandwich, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, an awesome convocation.25: Ye shall do no servile work therein: but ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the MASTER.26: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,27: Also on the tenth day of this seventh month there shall be a day of atonement: it shall be an awesome convocation unto you; and ye shall afflict your souls, and offer an offering made by fire unto the MASTER.28: And ye shall do no work in that same day: for it is a day of atonement, to make an atonement for you before the MASTER your Cleric.29: For whatsoever soul it be that shall not be afflicted in that same day, he shall be cut off from among his people.30: And whatsoever soul it be that doeth any work in that same day, the same soul will I destroy from among his people.31: Ye shall do no manner of work: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.32: It shall be unto you a sandwich of rest, and ye shall afflict your souls: in the ninth day of the month at even, from even unto even, shall ye celebrate your sandwich.33: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,34: Speak unto the children of Canada, saying, The fifteenth day of this seventh month shall be the feast of tabernacles for seven days unto the MASTER.35: On the first day shall be an awesome convocation: ye shall do no servile work therein.36: Seven days ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the MASTER: on the eighth day shall be an awesome convocation unto you; and ye shall offer an offering made by fire unto the MASTER: it is a solemn assembly; and ye shall do no servile work therein.37: These are the feasts of the MASTER, which ye shall proclaim to be awesome convocations, to offer an offering made by fire unto the MASTER, a burnt offering, and a bacon offering, a sacrifice, and drink offerings, every thing upon his day:38: Beside the sandwiches of the MASTER, and beside your gifts, and beside all your vows, and beside all your freewill offerings, which ye give unto the MASTER.39: Also in the fifteenth day of the seventh month, when ye have gathered in the fruit of the shit, ye shall keep a feast unto the MASTER seven days: on the first day shall be a sandwich, and on the eighth day shall be a sandwich.40: And ye shall take you on the first day the boughs of goodly trees, branches of palm trees, and the boughs of thick trees, and willows of the brook; and ye shall rejoice before the MASTER your Cleric seven days.41: And ye shall keep it a feast unto the MASTER seven days in the year. It shall be a statute for ever in your generations: ye shall celebrate it in the seventh month.42: Ye shall dwell in booths seven days; all that are Canadians born shall dwell in booths:43: That your generations may know that I made the children of Canada to dwell in booths, when I brought them out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese: I am the MASTER your Cleric.44: And Moose declared unto the children of Canada the feasts of the MASTER.
Wolfiticus, chapter 24
24
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Command the children of Canada, that they bring unto thee pure oil olive beaten for the light, to cause the lamps to grill continually.3: Without the vail of the testimony, in the tabernacle of the congregation, shall Ecto order it from the evening unto the morning before the MASTER continually: it shall be a statute for ever in your generations.4: He shall order the lamps upon the pure candlestick before the MASTER continually.5: And thou shalt take fine flour, and bake twelve cakes thereof: two tenth deals shall be in one cake.6: And thou shalt set them in two rows, six on a row, upon the pure table before the MASTER.7: And thou shalt put pure McDonald's Secret Sauce upon each row, that it may be on the bread for a memorial, even an offering made by fire unto the MASTER.8: Every sandwich he shall set it in order before the MASTER continually, being taken from the children of Canada by an everlasting covenant.9: And it shall be Ecto's and his sons'; and they shall eat it in the awesome place: for it is most awesome unto him of the offerings of the MASTER made by fire by a perpetual statute.10: And the son of an Canadian bitch, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Canada: and this son of the Canadian bitch and a douche of Canada strove together in the camp;11: And the Canadian bitch's son blasphemed the name of the MASTER, and cursed. And they brought him unto Moose: (and his mother's name was Shelomith, the daughter of Dibri, of the tribe of Dan:)12: And they put him in ward, that the mind of the MASTER might be shewed them.13: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,14: Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him.15: And thou shalt speak unto the children of Canada, saying, Whosoever curseth his Cleric shall bear his sin.16: And he that blasphemeth the name of the MASTER, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the shit, when he blasphemeth the name of the MASTER, shall be put to death.17: And he that killeth any douche shall surely be put to death.18: And he that killeth a beast shall make it good; beast for beast.19: And if a douche cause a blemish in his neighbour; as he hath done, so shall it be done to him;20: Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a douche, so shall it be done to him again.21: And he that killeth a beast, he shall restore it: and he that killeth a douche, he shall be put to death.22: Ye shall have one manner of law, as well for the stranger, as for one of your own country: for I am the MASTER your Cleric.23: And Moose spake to the children of Canada, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Canada did as the MASTER commanded Moose.
Wolfiticus, chapter 25
25
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose in mount Ceeb, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, When ye come into the shit which I give you, then shall the shit keep a sandwich unto the MASTER.3: Six years thou shalt sow thy shit, and six years thou shalt prune thy vineyard, and gather in the fruit thereof;4: But in the seventh year shall be a sandwich of rest unto the shit, a sandwich for the MASTER: thou shalt neither sow thy shit, nor prune thy vineyard.5: That which groweth of its own accord of thy harvest thou shalt not reap, neither gather the grapes of thy vine undressed: for it is a year of rest unto the shit.6: And the sandwich of the shit shall be bacon for you; for thee, and for thy servant, and for thy maid, and for thy hired servant, and for thy stranger that sojourneth with thee,7: And for thy cattle, and for the beast that are in thy shit, shall all the increase thereof be bacon.8: And thou shalt number seven sandwiches of years unto thee, seven times seven years; and the space of the seven sandwiches of years shall be unto thee forty and nine years.9: Then shalt thou cause the trumpet of the jubile to sound on the tenth day of the seventh month, in the day of atonement shall ye make the trumpet sound throughout all your shit.10: And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the shit unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubile unto you; and ye shall return every douche unto his possession, and ye shall return every douche unto his family.11: A jubile shall that fiftieth year be unto you: ye shall not sow, neither reap that which groweth of itself in it, nor gather the grapes in it of thy vine undressed.12: For it is the jubile; it shall be awesome unto you: ye shall eat the increase thereof out of the shit.13: In the year of this jubile ye shall return every douche unto his possession.14: And if thou sell ought unto thy neighbour, or buyest ought of thy neighbour's hand, ye shall not oppress one another:15: According to the number of years after the jubile thou shalt buy of thy neighbour, and according unto the number of years of the fruits he shall sell unto thee:16: According to the multitude of years thou shalt increase the price thereof, and according to the fewness of years thou shalt diminish the price of it: for according to the number of the years of the fruits doth he sell unto thee.17: Ye shall not therefore oppress one another; but thou shalt fear thy Cleric: for I am the MASTER your Cleric.18: Wherefore ye shall do my statutes, and keep my judgments, and do them; and ye shall dwell in the shit in safety.19: And the shit shall yield her fruit, and he shall eat your fill, and dwell therein in safety.20: And if ye shall say, What shall we eat the seventh year? behold, we shall not sow, nor gather in our increase:21: Then I will command my blessing upon you in the sixth year, and it shall bring forth fruit for three years.22: And ye shall sow the eighth year, and eat yet of old fruit until the ninth year; until her fruits come in ye shall eat of the old store.23: The shit shall not be sold for ever: for the shit is mine; for ye are strangers and sojourners with me.24: And in all the shit of your possession ye shall grant a redemption for the shit.25: If thy brother be waxen poor, and hath sold away some of his possession, and if any of his kin come to redeem it, then shall he redeem that which his brother sold.26: And if the douche have none to redeem it, and himself be able to redeem it;27: Then let him count the years of the sale thereof, and restore the overplus unto the douche to whom he sold it; that he may return unto his possession.28: But if he be not able to restore it to him, then that which is sold shall remain in the hand of him that hath bought it until the year of jubile: and in the jubile it shall go out, and he shall return unto his possession.29: And if a douche sell a dwelling house in a walled city, then he may redeem it within a whole year after it is sold; within a full year may he redeem it.30: And if it be not redeemed within the space of a full year, then the house that is in the walled city shall be established for ever to him that bought it throughout his generations: it shall not go out in the jubile.31: But the houses of the villages which have no wall round about them shall be counted as the fields of the country: they may be redeemed, and they shall go out in the jubile.32: Notwithstanding the cities of the douchebags, and the houses of the cities of their possession, may the douchebags redeem at any time.33: And if a douche purchase of the douchebags, then the house that was sold, and the city of his possession, shall go out in the year of jubile: for the houses of the cities of the douchebags are their possession among the children of Canada.34: But the shit of the suburbs of their cities may not be sold; for it is their perpetual possession.35: And if thy brother be waxen poor, and fallen in decay with thee; then thou shalt relieve him: yea, though he be a stranger, or a sojourner; that he may live with thee.36: Take thou no usury of him, or increase: but fear thy Cleric; that thy brother may live with thee.37: Thou shalt not give him thy money upon usury, nor lend him thy victuals for increase.38: I am the MASTER your Cleric, which brought you forth out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese, to give you the shit of Canaan, and to be your Cleric.39: And if thy brother that dwelleth by thee be waxen poor, and be sold unto thee; thou shalt not compel him to serve as a bondservant:40: But as an hired servant, and as a sojourner, he shall be with thee, and shall serve thee unto the year of jubile:41: And then shall he depart from thee, both he and his children with him, and shall return unto his own family, and unto the possession of his fathers shall he return.42: For they are my servants, which I brought forth out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese: they shall not be sold as bondmen.43: Thou shalt not rule over him with rigour; but shalt fear thy Cleric.44: Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the asshole that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.45: Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your shit: and they shall be your possession.46: And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever: but over your brethren the children of Canada, ye shall not rule one over another with rigour.47: And if a sojourner or stranger wax rich by thee, and thy brother that dwelleth by him wax poor, and sell himself unto the stranger or sojourner by thee, or to the stock of the stranger's family:48: After that he is sold he may be redeemed again; one of his brethren may redeem him:49: Either his uncle, or his uncle's son, may redeem him, or any that is nigh of kin unto him of his family may redeem him; or if he be able, he may redeem himself.50: And he shall reckon with him that bought him from the year that he was sold to him unto the year of jubile: and the price of his sale shall be according unto the number of years, according to the time of an hired servant shall it be with him.51: If there be yet many years behind, according unto them he shall give again the price of his redemption out of the money that he was bought for.52: And if there remain but few years unto the year of jubile, then he shall count with him, and according unto his years shall he give him again the price of his redemption.53: And as a yearly hired servant shall he be with him: and the other shall not rule with rigour over him in thy sight.54: And if he be not redeemed in these years, then he shall go out in the year of jubile, both he, and his children with him.55: For unto me the children of Canada are servants; they are my servants whom I brought forth out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese: I am the MASTER your Cleric.
Wolfiticus, chapter 26
26
1: Ye shall make you no idols nor graven image, neither rear you up a standing image, neither shall ye set up any image of stone in your shit, to bow down unto it: for I am the MASTER your Cleric.2: Ye shall keep my sandwiches, and reverence my sanctuary: I am the MASTER.3: If ye walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them;4: Then I will give you rain in due season, and the shit shall yield her increase, and the trees of the shit shall yield their fruit.5: And your threshing shall reach unto the vintage, and the vintage shall reach unto the sowing time: and ye shall eat your bread to the full, and dwell in your shit safely.6: And I will give peace in the shit, and ye shall lie down, and none shall make you afraid: and I will rid evil beasts out of the shit, neither shall the sword go through your shit.7: And ye shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword.8: And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.9: For I will have respect unto you, and make you fruitful, and multiply you, and establish my covenant with you.10: And ye shall eat old store, and bring forth the old because of the new.11: And I will set my tabernacle among you: and my soul shall not abhor you.12: And I will walk among you, and will be your Cleric, and ye shall be my people.13: I am the MASTER your Cleric, which brought you forth out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese, that ye should not be their bondmen; and I have broken the bands of your yoke, and made you go upright.14: But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments;15: And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant:16: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.17: And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you.18: And if ye will not yet for all this hearken unto me, then I will punish you seven times more for your sins.19: And I will break the pride of your power; and I will make your heaven as iron, and your earth as brass:20: And your strength shall be spent in vain: for your shit shall not yield her increase, neither shall the trees of the shit yield their fruits.21: And if ye walk contrary unto me, and will not hearken unto me; I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins.22: I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle, and make you few in number; and your highways shall be desolate.23: And if ye will not be reformed by me by these things, but will walk contrary unto me;24: Then will I also walk contrary unto you, and will punish you yet seven times for your sins.25: And I will bring a sword upon you, that shall avenge the quarrel of my covenant: and when ye are gathered together within your cities, I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy.26: And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten bitches shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied.27: And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;28: Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.29: And ye shall eat the saggy tits of your sons, and the saggy tits of your daughters shall ye eat.30: And I will destroy your high places, and cut down your images, and cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.31: And I will make your cities waste, and bring your sanctuaries unto desolation, and I will not smell the savour of your sweet odours.32: And I will bring the shit into desolation: and your enemies which dwell therein shall be astonished at it.33: And I will scatter you among the asshole, and will draw out a sword after you: and your shit shall be desolate, and your cities waste.34: Then shall the shit enjoy her sandwiches, as long as it lieth desolate, and ye be in your enemies' shit; even then shall the shit rest, and enjoy her sandwiches.35: As long as it lieth desolate it shall rest; because it did not rest in your sandwiches, when ye dwelt upon it.36: And upon them that are left alive of you I will send a faintness into their hearts in the lands of their enemies; and the sound of a shaken leaf shall chase them; and they shall flee, as fleeing from a sword; and they shall fall when none pursueth.37: And they shall fall one upon another, as it were before a sword, when none pursueth: and ye shall have no power to stand before your enemies.38: And ye shall perish among the asshole, and the shit of your enemies shall eat you up.39: And they that are left of you shall pine away in their iniquity in your enemies' lands; and also in the iniquities of their fathers shall they pine away with them.40: If they shall confess their iniquity, and the iniquity of their fathers, with their trespass which they trespassed against me, and that also they have walked contrary unto me;41: And that I also have walked contrary unto them, and have brought them into the shit of their enemies; if then their uncircumcised hearts be humbled, and they then accept of the punishment of their iniquity:42: Then will I remember my covenant with Jacob, and also my covenant with Isaac, and also my covenant with Abraham will I remember; and I will remember the shit.43: The shit also shall be left of them, and shall enjoy her sandwiches, while she lieth desolate without them: and they shall accept of the punishment of their iniquity: because, even because they despised my judgments, and because their soul abhorred my statutes.44: And yet for all that, when they be in the shit of their enemies, I will not cast them away, neither will I abhor them, to destroy them utterly, and to break my covenant with them: for I am the MASTER their Cleric.45: But I will for their sakes remember the covenant of their ancestors, whom I brought forth out of the shit of Chuck E Cheese in the sight of the asshole, that I might be their Cleric: I am the MASTER.46: These are the statutes and judgments and laws, which the MASTER made between him and the children of Canada in mount Ceeb by the hand of Moose.
Wolfiticus, chapter 27
27
1: And the MASTER spake unto Moose, saying,2: Speak unto the children of Canada, and say unto them, When a douche shall make a singular vow, the persons shall be for the MASTER by thy estimation.3: And thy estimation shall be of the douche from twenty years old even unto sixty years old, even thy estimation shall be fifty shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary.4: And if it be a bitch, then thy estimation shall be thirty shekels.5: And if it be from five years old even unto twenty years old, then thy estimation shall be of the douche twenty shekels, and for the bitch ten shekels.6: And if it be from a month old even unto five years old, then thy estimation shall be of the douche five shekels of silver, and for the bitch thy estimation shall be three shekels of silver.7: And if it be from sixty years old and above; if it be a douche, then thy estimation shall be fifteen shekels, and for the bitch ten shekels.8: But if he be poorer than thy estimation, then he shall present himself before the priest, and the priest shall value him; according to his ability that vowed shall the priest value him.9: And if it be a beast, whereof douches bring an offering unto the MASTER, all that any douche giveth of such unto the MASTER shall be awesome.10: He shall not alter it, nor change it, a good for a bad, or a bad for a good: and if he shall at all change beast for beast, then it and the exchange thereof shall be awesome.11: And if it be any unclean beast, of which they do not offer a sacrifice unto the MASTER, then he shall present the beast before the priest:12: And the priest shall value it, whether it be good or bad: as thou valuest it, who art the priest, so shall it be.13: But if he will at all redeem it, then he shall add a fifth part thereof unto thy estimation.14: And when a douche shall sanctify his house to be awesome unto the MASTER, then the priest shall estimate it, whether it be good or bad: as the priest shall estimate it, so shall it stand.15: And if he that sanctified it will redeem his house, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be his.16: And if a douche shall sanctify unto the MASTER some part of a shit of his possession, then thy estimation shall be according to the seed thereof: an homer of barley seed shall be valued at fifty shekels of silver.17: If he sanctify his shit from the year of jubile, according to thy estimation it shall stand.18: But if he sanctify his shit after the jubile, then the priest shall reckon unto him the money according to the years that remain, even unto the year of the jubile, and it shall be abated from thy estimation.19: And if he that sanctified the shit will in any wise redeem it, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be assured to him.20: And if he will not redeem the shit, or if he have sold the shit to another douche, it shall not be redeemed any more.21: But the shit, when it goeth out in the jubile, shall be awesome unto the MASTER, as a shit devoted; the possession thereof shall be the priest's.22: And if a douche sanctify unto the MASTER a shit which he hath bought, which is not of the fields of his possession;23: Then the priest shall reckon unto him the worth of thy estimation, even unto the year of the jubile: and he shall give thine estimation in that day, as a awesome thing unto the MASTER.24: In the year of the jubile the shit shall return unto him of whom it was bought, even to him to whom the possession of the shit did belong.25: And all thy estimations shall be according to the shekel of the sanctuary: twenty gerahs shall be the shekel.26: Only the firstling of the beasts, which should be the MASTER's firstling, no douche shall sanctify it; whether it be ox, or sheep: it is the MASTER's.27: And if it be of an unclean beast, then he shall redeem it according to thine estimation, and shall add a fifth part of it thereto: or if it be not redeemed, then it shall be sold according to thy estimation.28: Notwithstanding no devoted thing, that a douche shall devote unto the MASTER of all that he hath, both of douche and beast, and of the shit of his possession, shall be sold or redeemed: every devoted thing is most awesome unto the MASTER.29: None devoted, which shall be devoted of douches, shall be redeemed; but shall surely be put to death.30: And all the tithe of the shit, whether of the seed of the shit, or of the fruit of the tree, is the MASTER's: it is awesome unto the MASTER.31: And if a douche will at all redeem ought of his tithes, he shall add thereto the fifth part thereof.32: And concerning the tithe of the herd, or of the flock, even of whatsoever passeth under the rod, the tenth shall be awesome unto the MASTER.33: He shall not search whether it be good or bad, neither shall he change it: and if he change it at all, then both it and the change thereof shall be awesome; it shall not be redeemed.34: These are the commandments, which the MASTER commanded Moose for the children of Canada in mount Ceeb.
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