Church of Michael Jordan

Church of Michael Jordan
Associated organizations
MADD 
Prominent figures
Larry Bird (founder)
Associated concepts
Celebrity Worship|Sports Addiction|Gambling Addiction
Books and publications
Jaming 101|Rebound: The Odyssey of Michael Jordan
The Church of Michael Jordan is an organization dedicated to the promotion and acceptance of the cult religion, 
Jordanity, as a denomination of Christianity. All six Churches of Michael Jordan remain incorporated 
within separate regions across the US state of Illinois. Among it's duties of promoting Jordanity, the 
organization also offers members discount dining and free coupons to its Michael Jordan's Restaurant chains. 
== History ==
In a heated NBA playoff game on April 20, 1986, the Chicago Bulls led by Michael Jordan rallied against Larry
Bird and his Boston Celtics to a 132-131 double overtime loss. Jordan's remarkable display of athletic ability
had inspired Bird into referring to Michael Jordan as God in disguise in a later press conference. Perhaps the 
biggest display of blasphemy was Bird's announcement that he was founding The Church of Michael Jordan and that
all religions, except Christianity, "got it all wrong." 
After the public realized the church's establishment as not just simply a joke anymore and that actual morons 
truly began to believe in Michael Jordan as the Messiah, the church came under much scrutiny and harsh criticism.
Many critics representing established religions such as Pope John Paul II voiced their concern over the Church's intentions to seize it's advantage
of young, impressionable emos and fanboys by catering to their intense worship of celebrity athletes.
Other critics such as Tom Cruise have scoffed at the Jordanist religion, dismissing it as merely a publicity stunt to
increase revenue for Michael Jordan's fleeting Michael Jordan's Restaurant chains and that it's completely gay,
unlike them of course.
A total of six Churches have been established throughout Illinois.
== Beliefs ==
Jordanists (coloquially referred as Jordanites) believe that Michael Jordan is indeed the Christ or Messiah who has returned to Earth in
order to lead only Chicago Bulls fans towards salvation towards the afterlife. In order to deem themselves worthy of
his acceptance into the great Kingdom of Space Jamminess, Jordanists adhere to the strict morals of faith set
upon them by the sacred texts of Jordanity. Unlike followers of most monotheistic religions whom above all strive to follow
the words of their religious doctrines and lead by example, Jordanites will "get to it when they get to it."
=== The Six Jordanic Statements ===
The six statements were created to accommodate the six NBA championship rings Michael Jordan won when he led the Chicago Bulls to six 
finals appearances during the Great Red Exodus where they proved victorious over Satan, who had taken the
form of a different adversative team opponent (except when he faced the Bulls as the Utah Jazz in rematch). The
six statements outline what Michael Jordan represents in the Church of Michael Jordan.
#Michael Jordan is God in Disguise.
#Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever. period.
#Michael Jordan is the greatest product endorser of all time.
#Michael Jordan is the physical manifestation of the American Dream.
#Michael Jordan is the only man in this world who can buy you and sell you fifty times over.
#Michael Jordan is your best friend, so long as you pay your monthly membership fee.
=== The Six Jordanic Sins ===
#Possessing an unclean, unshaven head.
#Sticking one's tongue out to spite.
#Being a fan of the Los Angeles Lakers, New York Knickerbockers, Portland Trail Blazers, Phoenix Suns, Miami Heat, Utah Jazz, Charlotte Hornets, or Indiana Pacers.
#Disgracing yourself at the game of basketball.
#Conforming to the belief in the unproven fact that Michael Jordan sucked at baseball. 
#Dishonoring your mother and father, especially.
== Symbols ==
The Church of Michael Jordan has established specific symbols of faith within the Jordanic religion in order to more
easily identify with illiterates. The Church utilizes a free advertising technique to serve the dual purpose of gaining 
monetary profits and spreading its message to youths by placing the symbols on clothing they produce through their online
store.
=== The Jumpman ===
The most widely recognized symbol of Jordanity according to The Church of Michael Jordan is the Jumpman logo. It features an airborn 
silhouette of Michael Jordan bearing a basketball in his hand with legs spread eagle in a majestic display of 
basketball greatness. Interpretations as to the the symbol's representation beyond it's association with the Church
vary. Most scholars agree that it represents an irritated Jordan in the game of basketball, displaying his unparalled 
divine skills in the face of defiant infidels who seek to "keepith the ball of the great one from the holy hoop and
the salvation of mankind."
=== The Number 23 ===
The Church of Michael Jordan also identifies the number 23 as one of the official religious logos of Jordanity 
and all related basketball merchandise. The symbol is the alignment of the numbers two and three juxtaposed so that
they give the appearance of actually representing the mathematical equation of "20 + 3."
== Membership == 
The Church of Michael Jordan neither conspicuosly solicits membership nor does it obligate any active members
into payments above and beyond what is due. It does note however, that if a member is unwilling to donate a
portion of their bank savings account to the Church, it reserves the right to "unleash the wrath of the beast"
on his or her godforsaken ass.
Individuals seeking membership into the Church must conform to high standards in that they are ready, willing, and
able to disclose all personal information including credit card numbers, social security numbers, and a list of their
fears. They must also be of legal age to have consensual sex in the form of sodomy and if they are 
aesthetically challenged, the Church shall designate one of its few members to suit up and "take one for 
the team." Season ticket holders of Chicago Bulls games as well as regular customers of any of the Michael Jordan 
restaurants within Illinois automatically receive free membership. 
Severely lacking in funding, membership continues to flounder. The Church has affiliated itself with the 
non-profit organization, MADD (Mother Against Dead Drunks) in hopes of gaining the perception that somebody
out there really cares.
=== Standard Membership ===
Aside from the dubious recognition as a worshipper of Michael Jordan as the Messiah, standard members are treated 
with the comfort of knowing that the Church draws a monthly membership fee fund from their bank accounts 
and distributes their personal information to affiliated organizations without their consent. Members receive
a 1 year subscription to ESPN The Magazine as well as a 20% off coupon to any one of Michael Jordan's 
Restaurants good for three months. 
=== Premium Membership ===
Those members seeking to upgrade their membership (or "go pro") receive all the benefits standard members receive
with the addition of a few extra options. Entailing only an additional $20 towards monthly membership fees, premium
members gain access to all the indepth analysis and behind the scenes footage of Michael Jordan's 1996 cult classic box
office sensation, Space Jam in the form of a complimentary DVD. Premium members also qualify for The Church of 
Michael Jordan's illicit pyramid scheme with a chance to luck out or lose out on their fortunes. Dial 555-LIKEMIKE to join now!
== Notable Members ==
#Tom Cruise
#John Travolta
#LeBron James
Category:Churches