There's Something About Tango

You know when you've been tangoed. I never really knew what that phrase meant until now. My name is Tim Rorden, and please do forgive me if I'm being a bit brisk here but sadly I'm having to write this on an old laptop in the London Underground. I'm waiting to catch the tube to Yorkshire where I'll go under the new identity of Frankie Lyme. I was actually warned by some associates of mine shall we say; not to reveal my actual name in this document. Sadly, there's just no way I can keep this a secret. It's just too much. I'm also well aware that my associates told me to wait until they handle things over with the legal case, but I'm sorry I have to get the truth out right here and now. So, without further ado, here is the story of when I discovered the truth behind the popular British soft drink known as Tango.
Now, Tango is incredibly popular over here in jolly ole England, and it has been a stable of the country for years. I know it's sold in other countries as well, but something you need to keep in mind is that the drink is manufactured here in an old abandoned warehouse over on Dutch Landing in Benning. The warehouse has seemingly been abandoned for years. Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out. One time, I saw an old lady walk into the warehouse mistaking it for the old dance hall which hosts Bingo games on Saturday, and I haven't seen her leave yet. Whoever was running that warehouse clearing had some twisted things going on up their sleeves. Little did I know just how right I was in making such a strong accusation. Now when it comes to me and Tango, prior to this story taking place, I wasn't the biggest fan I'll be honest with you. Like, I mean yeah sure I'll have a can every now and then, but I'd always much prefer the taste of something like Coca Cola or maybe even a Dodo Formula a drink which was made from the bodily sweat of our most esteemed leaders; Colonel Dodo. Oh Colonel Dodo how I love yee! Ahem! Now tell me something pal; have you ever heard that popular theory on the internet where if you refuse to drink Kool Aid the Kool Aid Man will come after you. Well; what if I told you the same rules apply to Tango? Of course it's not the Kool Aid Man who comes after you. Oh no! In Tango's case, it something much more sinister and much more squidy! I'm talking of course about the Tango Mafia!
The Tango Mafia have been around since the company's inception in 1950, though the gang only really started to pick up steam in the mid 1980's. The Tango Mafia are a gang of insane hardened criminals who have all dyed their hairs orange due to their inane love of Orange Tango. They love all flavours of Tango, but Orange Tango is the very thing they stand for, the very thing they live for, and of course the very thing they'd die for! Oh what a sight! The Tango Mafia have no leader due to their fear of robot overlords, and as a result of this the Tango Mafia has no real system of hierarchy in place. The Tango Mafia prided themselves on the fact that they considered themselves to be far too above the law to be at risk of being taken down to Chinatown! This was due to the fact that the Mafia received a permit from the Tango company itself to badger anyone who never bothers to drink the drink if you catch my drift. The Mafia keep tabs on anyone who even dares to buy a bottle of Tango from the supermarket. If you even think of buying a bottle of Tango; you had better make sure you drink it down extra quick. Otherwise, the Mafia will badger you constantly and then... well they'll never leave. They'll annoy you so much that your head ends up spontaneously combusting into a million tiny bite size pieces! Now buggering buggerton indeed! Sometimes, the Mafia will take you out instantly like what happened to my good friend and drinking buddy; Wilton Milton.
Wilton Milton was a known addict to Tango as he drunk two bottles of Apple Tango every day after working on the shipyards. He had to work such long hard hours on those shipyards I tell ya! Eventually, Wilton decided that Tango wasn't enough anymore as he poured an entire bottle of Orange Tango into his bathroom sink. BIG MISTAKE! "I hate Phil Collins." Wilton muttered. It is highly possible that saying this is what doomed him. He should have known better than to insult Phil Collins as the Tango Mafia are big Phil Collins fans and they own all of his albums. Including a really dodgy Russian bootleg one called, "Philthy Desires To Give You Your Phil." The picture on the album has Phil Collin's face on it, and it's zoomed in so much you can see the little bit of egg he had for breakfast that morning still stuck to his front teeth. Poor old Phil Collins! He just don't care anymore. Hearing that Wilton Milton would even think of going as far as to insult their beloved Phil Collins, the Tango Mafia burst through the mirror and pulled Wilton into it. My associates and I were never able to find out about what happened to Wilton Milton, but I think it's safe to assume he learnt his lesson don't you? Following Wilton's death, his nephew BBC Extra 241 (he refused to give me permission to put his name in the story), gave me a letter from Wilton which he had written just before his death. The letter said and I quote; "don't diss the Tango!"
Heading ole Wilton's advice, I threw all my Tango bottles and cans into the trash cans outside my house. However, all that hard work had made me extremely thirsty. Craving a drink, I headed back inside the house unware that I was being watched from afar. I opened up my fridge, and pulled out a bottle of delicious Coca Cola. I then headed into my bedroom, and began drinking from it as I muttered, "oh this is so much better than Tango!" At that moment, the Tango Mafia came barging into my bedroom. There were at least seven or eight of the bastards, and they huddled around me. One of the members obviously the ringleader of this particular faction; was using a tango megaphone in order to shout into my ears. Now if he was the only one using the Tango megaphone, I think I would have been able to handle it, but then every single member of this particular faction started to use it. They were using the megaphone in order to annoy me by repeating everything I said. They never left. The entire day, I couldn't do anything without one of those fuckers breathing down my ass crack. They were always by my side even if I was taking a dump or trying to walk the jaguar. Yes I own a pet jaguar. Blimey don't I get around! "You've been here the whole day!" I cried in despair as all of the Tango bastards all proclaimed in unison; "you've been here the whole day!" Before we go on, I should explain that each member of the Tango Mafia had a weird haircut where the top part of their head was bald while they had hair on the side of their head. They had all dyed their hair orange, and they looked some kind of unholy demon. Move over Luca Brasi there's a new evil in town and it's name is Tango.
Now at first, I tried my best to ignore the Tango Mafia by going about with my life. However, they never gave me a moments peace. They were on my case 24/7. They also permanently destroyed my reputation by causing him to knock out the Pope. I was meeting up with the Pope at a press conference in Dorchester, and those orange haired bastards kept shouting "topsy turvy," into my ears so much that they eventually started bleeding. The Pope then showed up accompanied by his band as he held his hand out to me. "Topsy turvy!" The Tango Mafia proclaimed for the very last time, and I ended up losing it in more ways than one I assure you. I ended up punching the Pope right in his gob and this caused him to go flying across the room. Thankfully, everyone was so shocked by the Pope's flying that I was able to leave the conference undetected. I was taken to court, but thankfully the Pope didn't recognise me and he ended up blaming the wrong man. He blamed a Robert De Niro look alike for the crime. Sorry Niro, but it's just business. I was very angry that the Tango Mafia had ruined my chances at reaching the big leagues as I was planning on joining the Pope's band The Pope Boys. The Pope Boys are a band which had a bunch of really horrible start up acts including a Russian hitman, a man who leaves the show for six hours in order to walk his dog, and an incredibly nervous man who has no feet. Hmm I know a lunch lady who would love to date a guy like that. Get the hint? I am a huge fan of the band, and I own all of their albums including the super rate diamond album; "The Pope Wears Glass Slippers." Glass slippers? Oh man, what will they think of next?
Following my disastrous chance encounter with the Pope, I eventually decided to ask the Tango Mafia when and if they would ever leave me alone. "We'll never leave!" They proclaimed happily. "What why?" I asked to which they responded with, "you dared to diss Tango! That's a fate worse than death, and so now we are going to annoy you for the rest of your days until you eventually jump out of a two story building in Cambodia because you can't handle it. You just can't handle it." They then all started laughing into their Tango megaphones. Oh this was ridiculous! An eternity of these guys annoying me I can't deal with that! Rationalising that they would never leave even if I asked nicely, I decided that I had to kill them. It wasn't a very easy decision to make. Actually tell a lie, it was perhaps the easiest decision I've ever had to make in my entire life. I headed into my bedroom with the Tango Mafia following closely behind me. I went over to my bedside table, and pulled a large bottle of coca cola (the one from earlier) off from it and gave it a good shake. I shook it so much that the entire bottle was shaking like a salt shaker, and I then threw at the Tango Mafia. All of them managed to duck out of the way all except for one. He got hit face first with the bottle as it finally exploded and he got covered in delicious coca cola. The coca cola didn't react very well with him as it caused his skin to start melting off like a cheesy cheese pizza. Satisfied, I turned my attention towards the other members of the Tango Mafia, but they had all completely disappeared through the front door of my apartment. I walked over to the recently deceased member of the Tango Mafia, and decided to check his wallet. From the details in the wallet, I found that the man's name was Walter Jay Smelly. He had a wife and child in Walnut Pass and he worked as a key cutter in Everton Transfer.
Now, what distressed me most of all was that ole Walter looked pretty normal in his driver's license photo, so what happened to him? What made him change? I searched through the rest of Walter's pockets. He had about 9000 pockets so I was searching for hours until I eventually came across a large red book with a yellow tic tac taped onto the front of it. Opening up the book, I learned that it was a journal and it explained in detail the man's decent into madness. It all started when he drank a bottle of Tango on a long train journey to Oakton City, and from that point forward he was an addict. He shaved his hair and dyed it orange. He began hanging out with the rest of the Tango Mafia, and eventually lost all of his sanity as he became more and more devoted to the lure and the mythos of Tango. 'Hmm well that wasn't very funny.' I thought to myself as I decided to get some sleep. I didn't bother to bury the poor bastard as I was planning on making him into an expensive new throw rug. The following morning, I woke up early and had a large stretch before deciding to head on down to the town centre to meet up with my old friend Sabe. Sabe reminded me a lot of Walter Jay Smelly as he too once had an addiction to a drink. Not Tango sadly, but he once had an addiction to Pepsi. Poor old Sabe! I headed into town where I met up with Sabe and we discussed aerial dynamics. Everything was going on well at first. Well this was of course out from the blue a large man who was coloured entirely in orange ran up to me, and gave me a huge slap across the face. It was very brief. It was one of those blink and you'll miss it kind of deals. I held my face in pain, and that's when I noticed that somehow the fast bastard had managed to get some orange paint onto my face. Sabe spun my body around to face him as he said, "this is serious, we need to have a little chat Tim."
Sabe and I took a walk around the city as Sabe explained to me that I was in grave danger for I had made the Tango Mafia's hitlist. "What do you mean hitlist?" I asked to which Sabe responded with, "it means they're gonna kill you! You must of pissed them off good." Sabe then blew his nose as he then continued with, "what the sunflower did you my bucko?" "I may have killed one of them." I admitted which caused Sabe to gasp. "What's a matter?" I inquired. "Perhaps you had better sit down kid." Sabe said as he gestured his hand behind me. I turned around to see that we were now in the old abandoned ruins. I sat down on a conveniently placed arm chair as Sabe began explaining the stich to me. Basically, the Tango Mafia have a long term rule where if someone kills one of their members they will be put to death, and shall be killed immediately. Well at least there's a code of honour involved. "Well what do you should we do then?" I inquired which caused Sabe to say, "hmm I may have an idea. Now it's a bit of a far fetched one but it's the only choice we've got." Sabe took off his cap and swiped the sweat from his brow as he then continued with, "we'll head on back to your place and examine the body of that Tango Mafia assassin. I have a theory." Though very smelly and overweight, Sabe was not as dumb as he looks though he did keep farting violently as a result of a rotten lamb kebab he found in the parking lot on the way to work that morning.
Arriving at my apartment, we made our way over to the slowly decomposing body of Walter Jay Smelly, and we decided to take a closer look. "Lift up his shirt." Sabe commanded. "What why?" I asked which caused Sabe to yell angrily, "don't ask questions punk just do it!" I reluctantly followed Sabe and his demands by lifting Walter's shirt. There were words tattooed onto his chest in black ink which read, "Don't I Always Bounce Like Orville?" Hmm... could it be referring to Orville El Grew the famous painter who painted flowers all over the walls of Chichester Cathedral. Actually no he wasn't as two seconds later, Sabe explained to me that the words written on Walter's chest was actually a secret anagram. By putting the words together, Sabe was able to deduce that the anagram meant Diablo. "The Diablos!" I proclaimed at the very top of my lungs. I then continued with, "I know all about them Sabe. They operate over in Torrington led by a big chungus of a man named El Burro." My rather off handed comment about El Burro caused Sabe to remark under his breath, "pot calling the kettle black." Sabe and I then proceeded to make our way out of the apartment complex and onto the busy streets where we stole this old lady's fiat panda as we began making our way towards El Burro's hangout in Torrington. The Diablos loved Torrington as they used to hold illegal street races and other small time rackets. Arriving in Diablo territory, Sabe made our presence known by shooting a flare into the air like he just don't care. However, rather surprisingly, El Burro seemed to be rather cordial about our sudden appearance as he opted to let us into his hangout with open arms.
El Burro was a very nice man, and although an incredibly dangerous crime lord he was very polite to the elderly residents of London as he often played bingo with them, and he also had a great passion for knitting. Despite this, El Burro was also a serious weirdo as he loved donkeys in fact his first wife was a donkey human hybrid. El Burro has never quite been able to get over his first wife, and has since tried to drown his sorrows in ice cream. Well he doesn't actually eat the ice cream himself. No instead, ole El Burro delivers the ice cream to members of the Forelli Crime Family which causes them to get bad stomach aches as they all suffer from lactose intolerance. No joke; there's not a single member of the Forelli Family who isn't lactose intolerant and that's pretty sad if we're being honest here. Oh and before we continue; I should also probably mention that El Burro never bothers to wear clothes that actually fit him, and a bit of his belly is always shown sticking out at the bottom. It's worth noting that on his belly, I could see the exact same anagram which was written on Walter's body. El Burro lit himself a cigarette as he asked, "so what brings you two to my home?" "This isn't just a social call El Burro. We have some questions, and we'd be honoured if you could answer them for us." Sabe said as he pulled out a small black notepad from his ass. "Sure what is it that you want to know?" El Burro inquired. Sabe paused for a brief moment as he then said, "what is the Diablo's connection to the Tango Mafia?" El Burro almost immediately became very cagey as he said quietly, "your answer is over there." He gestured his head towards an old smelly and damp alleyway. Sabe and I made our way over to the alleyway oblivious to the fact that El Burro and his crew were following closely behind us.
I wish we had never gone down that damn alleyway as it quickly turned out to have been nothing more than a trap. Sabe and I quickly found ourselves surrounded. On the one side, we had the Tango Mafia coming towards us and they were not very happy about the fact I killed Walter Jay Smelly, and on the other side of the alleyway we had El Burro and his Diablo henchmen coming towards us. Luckily for us, El Burro is pretty dumb and has a James Bond villain mentality as he began to explain the story of how the Tango Mafia came to be. I gulped heavily as one of El Burro's men put a gun to my ear while the members of the Tango Mafia began rubbing my head violently as if I was a boiled egg or some shit. Annoyingly, we never got to hear El Burro's story as who should come to our rescue than none other than Sam and Max themselves! Sam and Max came crashing through the alleyway in their car, and Max proceeded to rain bullets into all of El Burro's Diablo backup. El Burro however remained impassive, and was able to escape the chaos on his private helicopter. The Tango Mafia all climbed on board the helicopter, well except for one of them who was forced to hang onto the side of the helicopter as El Burro didn't trust him enough yet and believed he was working with the Federal Bureau of Narcotics. Oh El Burro you're so suspicious! Sam pulled down his window and yelled, "get in the car we got to get out of here and fast!" Sabe and I had no time to argue as a Diablo Stinger came crashing through the alleyway, and the bloody thing had machine guns coming out from the boot. El Burro has a lot of mechanics on the payroll it would seem. I practically threw myself into the car, and Sabe didn't even have time to get his body all the way in as Sam and Max had already began speeding down the roads in an attempt to get away from the Diablo Stinger.
Thankfully, we eventually managed to lose our pursuers by taking a scenic route through Townsend Street. After seeing that the Diablo Stinger was no longer following us, I relaxed into my seat as I asked, "so what's the big plan then now?" "Hmm... well this is certainly one heck of a sticky wicket I can tell you that much." Sam said as he struggled to keep the damn car on the road. "So where we headed Sam?" Max inquired. Now, Max was hoping to head to the Crazy Frog Golf Course in Hepburn which was rather infamous for stealing dogs from old rich people. The dogs were then sold to a traveling show where they were trained to become followers of the cloth. It's also worth noting that the course was infamous for having golf balls which were laced with deadly spikes which if touched will give you a bad case of salmonella. You're a delightful person dear reader so sorry about the salmonella! Sam then said, "we're heading back to our place Max. We'll need to think of a plan before we can think of taking on El Burro and the Tango Mafia." Arriving at the residence of Sam and Max, I attempted to flee down the road as I didn't want to miss the Rugby but Sam was having none of that I tell you! "Whoa where ya going? We've got planning to do!" Sam proclaimed happily as he carried me in his arms into the house. Things were really starting to get juicy. I can't say Sabe felt the same way about things as he looked to be rather constipated. Oh, poor old Sabe! Should have put a toilet in that hat of yours!
Sam and Max then pulled out some blue prints as they began yapping on and on about their master plan. I then had a small rant directed at the pair on how they interrupted Sabe and I from finding out the truth about the Tango Mafia. "Hey we saved you guys from getting whacked. You want us to put you in the ground for El Burro?" Max asked rhetorically. Meanwhile, Sam coughed out some cough drops as he went on to explain the master plan. We were going to disguise ourselves as a boy band called Boys N Tango. In order to make ourselves look the part, Max pulled out a small chest which contained various fancy dress costumes. He also produced some mohawk wigs which had different colours include red, orange, green, and so on and so forth. I went with the orange mohawk so's I could look the part of a Tango Mafia mook looking to catch my big break. The pair had even taken the liberty of purchasing electric guitars from Goofy Goober's just for this occasion. It's worth noting that Max pulled mine and Sabe's guitars out from his ears. "Where the heck were you keeping them!?" I asked bewildered as Sabe took the guitars off from Max. "You really don't want to know." Max explained. With the wigs and instruments, we were almost ready to perform but that's when Sam made some band shirts appear although he didn't bother to wear one himself. He was wearing a shirtless vest as he wanted to make it clear to the public that he was the ringleader of our little band. The shirts all showcased a picture of Winnie Da Pooh downing a bottle of Tango with the tagline on the top of the shirt reading, "Got Tango?" Our surnames were listed on the back of the shirts which enabled us to really look the part.
Once we were fully in costume, we made our way over to Trafalgar Square where Sam had paid a hefty sum to have a stage delivered there for this occasion. "Okay right so... run this plan over with me again. What's with the silly costumes and wigs?" I asked. Sam said, "oh don't you see? It's the perfect crime! We'll play some classic 1980s rock ballads for those Tango loving shysters, and while they're distracted by our lovely show tunes Max will swoop in and grab El Burro with this Tesco carrier bag." He held a Tesco carrier bag up in the air as he then continued with, "we'll take El Burro back to our house, and ask him questions and finally get to the bottom of this Tango conspiracy once and for all." "Why do you have such a hard on for this case?" I asked as we made our way onto the stage. "I dunno." Sam admitted. "It's something to do on a Sunday." Max admitted. I shook my head as Max began cranking up some stereos which seemed to have appeared out of thin air. Actually tell a lie, Sabe was in charge of carrying the stereos all the way from Sam and Max's house to Trafalgar Square. He seemed to be struggling quite a bit with this task, but I couldn't give a flying horse shoe rasp! No Siree I could not!
We hadn't even started singing yet, and there was already a massive entrogue of people all huddled up around the stage. They were all pulling incredibly smelly faces, and it was honestly such a struggle to not vomit. I think that Sabe had the same problem as his face turned green like Shrek. "Okay... gang so uh what song do we sing?" Sam asked bewildered. Oh buggering buggerton! How could we have been so foolish as to not have pre-decided a song to sing. Well to be honest, I don't think Sam nor Max realised we would get this far so now we were struggling. I suggested that we sing, "Forget You," by Cee Lo Green. Sam and Max agreed happily, but Sabe didn't appear to be all that happy about the song choice as he would have preferred Ocean Man. We missed the first line of the song, but eventually we managed to start singing. It was a very awkward performance as these incredibly fat construction workers at the back of the crowd kept farting violently during the performance. It was especially awkward for me since I was the only one actually singing the lyrics while Sam was playing the tuba, Max was playing an electric keyboard, and Sabe was playing Shrek 2 on Gameboy. He didn't have quite enough to buy Shrek 2 on Xbox, but by Christmas who knows maybe he'll have saved up some pennies by then. Just as our performance was finally starting to pick up, a couple members of the Tango Mafia strolled up onto the scene. "It's working Max!" Sam proclaimed albeit being a little too fucking loud for my liking anyway! Also, the stereos which Max had brought onto the stage didn't actually play music and were just there for show. So that's a further buggering buggerton to add to your list of buggertons.
Just as Max was about to swoop in with the Tesco carrier bag, a white limousine pulled up on the pavement beside the stage. Cee Lo Green came out from the window carrying a handy dandy AK47 as he yelled, "I didn't give you motherfuckers permission to sing my song!" Cee Lo then proceeded to let fire on the AK and he managed to destroy the entire stage, but thankfully none of us got hit. The members of the Tango Mafia having finally realised our ruse had managed to make a break for it, and they had ran off all the way to Bedfordshire. We only just managed to avoid the wrath of Cee Lo Green by hiding underneath an old freeway going into Croydon. That's when Cee Lo Green eventually opted to stop giving chase to us as he bounced his way home. He had ditched the limo in favour of chasing us down on a space hopper. Space hoppers! I knew a guy at church who fell off a space hopper into a bush which was filled with radioactive slugs. Now he looks like a slimy bastard, and it's all thanks to you space hoppers! Space hoppers are unfortunately a rant for another day. Stay another stay another day. Ha ha ha ha. So then I... ha ha ha sorry then ha ha ha. That joke will never get old will it Willis? Sabe didn't seem to be that bothered about the incident with Green almost as if he expected Sam and Max's plan would blow right up in their face. Yeah... blow up. Ahem! Sabe then turned to face me and said, "for justice we must go to Jake."
Confused beyond any reasonable measure; I asked, "who the fuck is Jake?" "He's a mouse with standards, and a very good friend of mine so why don't you watch your tongue." Sabe said in a rather threatening tone of voice. That seems rather out of character for Sabe if we're being honest here people, but I won't allow it to bother me too much. According to Sabe, Jake was the true go to guy when it came to things like this. In truth, Sabe had never liked Sam and Max for unknown reasons. The pair had never done anything to Sabe and prior to this whole Tango related fiasco, didn't even know who he was. I bet they wish they still didn't know who Sabe was, and I kind of do too if we're being honest. "So where is this Jake character located?" Max asked as Sabe and I got into the car as Sam began driving down the streets at such a fast rate that Sabe honestly struggled to get words out. "He hangs out in a backroom at Hamilton Flights." Sabe explained. Oh God not Hamilton Flights! The worst airport in London according to Bumblebee Travels.Net. A great many innocent bumblebees were killed on the runaway last year by one of Hamilton's planes. To add insult to injury, the planes are all coloured black and yellow. Now that's just sick! Hamilton Flights was built in 2014 or thereabouts by local businessman Nate Hamilton. Mr Hamilton was a very nice man, but that doesn't help change the fact that he doesn't know two figs about how to run an airport properly. Not two figs reader! Not two effing figs!
Arriving at Hamilton Flights, we found Jake to be playing scrabble in the aforementioned backroom with some 1970's looking mouse gangsters who were all voiced by Seth MacFarlane. SETH! Sorry about that, in any case, Jake sadly was not very fore coming when we asked for his assistance in hunting down El Burro. Jake rubbed his face with a pound coin as he remarked, "El Burro is harmless. I played cards with him last week. He's happy as can be so leave him be will ya please?" We were tempted to leave Jake's presence, but that was of course when Sabe brought up the elephant in the room that being of course the elephant which was stuck to the chandelier in the room. "I been meaning to fix that chandelier." Jake remarked as he adjusted his fedora. Sabe then proceeded to explain the other elephant in the room with that being the Tango conspiracy. Upon hearing the words Tango and conspiracy, Jake finally seemed to be interested in the conversation as he asked, "but what does that have to do with Valentine's Daisies?" "What?" Sam asked dumbfounded which caused Jake to facepalm himself as he then said, "oh pardon my wickers Sonny Jim, I meant to say what does that have to do with El Burro?" "We think that he's responsible for creating those crazy lunatics who offer their allegiance to Tango." I said as Jake asked, "do you have any actual evidence that he's involved?" "Well... no." Max said which caused Jake to proclaim, "works fine enough for me!" Jake then headed inside his garage and came back driving a jeep. Yes, Jake was somehow approved by Hamilton Flights to keep a jeep inside the backroom. We asked if Jake wanted to bring his mice brethren along for the ride, but he refused to do so by claiming they hadn't earned their salt and pepper yet. Sorry to say this but I'm beginning to have my doubts that they ever will.
According to Jake, El Burro was hosting a charity concert up in West Wallaby Street. This was the reason why he hadn't shown up to our fake one as he was far too busy with setting up his own concert. Now, the idea of a charity concert may sound generous on paper, but that is until you realise that El Burro has no intention of giving the money to charity and instead plans on using the money in order to invest into the Newtown Redevelopment Fund (NRF); and I'm sure you're all well aware of the NRF if you've been reading the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta guide. There's a lot going on in there but it's like 45 pence so fucking nick it if I were you OKAY!? The road going into Wallaby had been blocked by El Burro's gang, but Jake was a very crafty mouse and using a grappling hook was able to get us across the blocked path with ease. Though sadly, we ended up losing the jeep in the process as it landed on top of two Diablo enforcers crushing them to death in the process. I wasn't that bothered about their deaths to be perfectly honest with you as I recognised the pair as being the guys who were driving the Diablo Stinger from earlier. El Burro was far too busy singing to notice our presence as we strolled onto the back of the stage. A Diablo hired bouncer noticed us and yelled, "you should not be back here!" Thinking quickly, Sabe bought the bouncer off by sticking a packet of Lamcaster Gum into his pocket. The bouncer pulled an incredibly saucy face as he gave some counterfeit backstage passes in order to ruin El Burro's performance. I have to admit; El Burro was a pretty talented singer and he had the crowd going nuts.
Arriving backstage, I headed on over to the sound mixing room which is where I learned that El Burro was a fraud, and wasn't actually singing his own lyrics he had hired an incredibly nervous Spanish doctor to sing the tunes for him. Jake decided to fuck around with El Burro, by putting his own CD in which was filled with loads of overly long cough noises and he then started rubbing his claws all over the disc cause mice do that. I though Jake was rather stupid for having done that, and I demanded that Jake put the real CD on but to keep looping the same part over and over again in order to expose El Burro as a fraud. The tactic was successful. A massive riot began and people started throwing tomatoes and other goods at El Burro and his backup dancers. Embarrassed and furious at the same time, El Burro left the stage after ordering his gang to break up the riot which resulted in the death of two Diablo enforcers. Having finally had enough, El Burro had his men gun down the attendees to the concert while he fled the scene in an orange Diablo Stinger accompanied by the Tango Mafia. We gave made our way onto the sidewalk where we found Sam and Max's car just sitting there waiting for us. "How did it know to come find us?" I asked as I began marvelling the car as Sam explained that it doesn't matter where you're going your car will always find you if you love it enough. That makes no ducking sense, but there's no time to worry about that now! Now, Sam had planned on driving the car, but Jake was having none of that as he proceeded to push Sam over to the passenger's seat as he proclaimed, "El Burro we're coming for you!"
For awhile, it seemed as though El Burro was taking us in a circle around the city this was until he eventually pulled up outside the Tango Factory in Benning. El Burro got out from his car and ordered his Tango minions to follow him into the factory. At that moment, two Diablo stingers pulled up on the scene and about 10 Diablo goons also made their way into the factory in order to protect El Burro. The wily El Burro had planned well! Sam opened up the trunk of the car and Max pulled out two incredibly large grenade launchers and a pipsqueak patty for the boy. Sabe sneered at the gift, but he ate it anyway and it caused him to start vomiting all over the bloody parking lot. The parking lot had graffiti on it, and the same anagram appeared to have been written on it. "Do I Always Bounce Like Orville?" Over and over again but what does it mean? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I didn't have time to dwell on that thought right now as my friends and I made our way into the Tango Factory in order to settle the score with El Burro once and for all.
Never in all my life; had I ever seen anything quite as beautiful as the inside of that Tango Factory. There were large Tango cans which were being welded in the sky, and the cans were seemingly never ending as they poured delicious orange Tango into a nearby stream. The stream is then processed into tans and bottles which are then sold to supermarket chains such as Tesco and Lidels. Also, there were trees in the factory which all had Tango bottlecaps attached to them. i didn't get to marvel the beautiful sights for long before El Burro sent his crew after me. Jake and I went after El Burro while the others dealt with his Diablo backup. Confronting El Burro next to the Tango river, he realised that he had no where left to go as he said rather sheepishly, "um... phone a friend?" "There's no escape this time El Burro." I said coldly. I was surprised at how cold I was acting with El Burro, but the fat fuck deserved it as far as I was concerned. Now instead of popping a bullet into his forehead right then and there, I decided to ask El Burro for the full story on the Tango Mafia. Jake didn't seem all that interested in what El Burro was going to say as he was preoccupied with pissing about with some speakers on the other side of the factory. "The truth about Tango. Are you sure you wanna know?" El Burro inquired. "More than anything!" I proclaimed at the very top lungs which caused El Burro to make a face and roll his eyes 456 times. El Burro lit himself a cigarette as he began to tell the origin story of the Tango Mafia.
In 1950, during the birth of Tango, El Burro's grandfather Burro Sr Sr wanted to test Tango's effects on people. With the help of an eager butterfly, Burro Sr Sr was able to kidnap several unwitting members of the Postman Pat Housing Complex, and began forcing them to chug down cans upon cans of delicious Tango. Burro Sr Sr then began taxing the addicts for their massive Tango consumption. When they failed to repay the debt; Burro Sr Sr decided he would manipulate the addicts into becoming his enforcers. With the help of his assistants, Burro Sr Sr locked all of the addicts in a confined room for twelve days. Burro's assistants had wanted it to be thirteen days, but Burro Sr Sr was a very superstitious man so he downgraded it to twelve. When they were released, the members of the Tango Mafia had all gone insane as a result of their prolonged absence from Tango. They had all somehow managed to dye their hair orange. Now, Burro Sr Sr being a very stubborn man and having just recently founded the Diablos Gang wanted to have his brand engraved onto the poor sons of bitches. He came up with the anagram; "Do I Always Bounce Like Orville?" Following Sr Sr's passing in 1958, El Burro's father Burro Sr took control of the Tango company and began making more and more of the Tango clones. He and his forces would spend long nights on the town picking up unsuspecting people and taking them to the factory in order to be converted into Tango loving maniacs.
Burro Sr set the standard for how the Tango company would operate for the rest of time. Under Sr's reign, the Tango company flourished and became much more profitable than it had been under Sr Sr's control. Sr also began turning more and more people into members of the Tango Mafia, and because he had a great deal of politicians on the payroll he was able to install cameras into the homes of many lower class citizens. If you were caught having a love for Tango, you would be brought in for transformation. If you insulted Tango on a regular basis sometimes even just once, Sr would sent out a small platoon of Tango Mafia soldiers to try and convince you otherwise. Sadly more often than not it resulted in your untimely demise. El Burro gained control of the Tango company after his father fell off a cliff in New Bordeaux in oh 1998 or thereabouts. The young El Burro had already been heavily involved with the company since he was a child as he often accompanied his father on errands to pick up more people to be transformed into insane Tango followers. After getting the full story, I finally began to put two and two together. I now fully understood how and why Walter Jay Smelly went from being a pretty regular looking guy to a fucking psycho in the span of what like a week? After being delivered the soul crushing truth, El Burro pulled out a double barrel shotgun from his bellybutton as he yelled, "Saint Peter won't be calling your name Tim! It's gonna be an open casket if you know what I mean?" "Fuck you!" I yelled as I pushed El Burro onto the floor as he accidentally shot a shotgun shell into the sky. It hit one of the Tango cans and caused it to fall from the sky onto the floor.
Thinking quickly, I grabbed the shotgun from the floor and aimed it at El Burro. He laughed wickedly as he asked, "well what are you waiting for senior?" "I ain't gonna kill you." I admitted as I placed the shotgun down onto the ground. "Ha ha ha you don't have the guts do ya kid?" El Burro laughed. "Maybe not but they do." i said coldly as a visibly disturbed El Burro turned around to see the enraged Tango Mafia coming towards us. Turns out, Jake had managed to get El Burro's voice onto the speakers which allowed for the Tango Mafia to hear each and every word about their creation. Sadly, some of them didn't take it very well as one of the members had his head explode and another turned into onion paste. That wasn't onion paste! You're very right it was actually fish paste. Jake and I left El Burro to be dealt with by the Tango Mafia as we were reconvened with the others in the parking lot outside the factory. "What's up with El Burro?" Sam asked. "He's being well looked after by the Tango Mafia." Jake explained. "Oh that's not fair! I wanted to be the one to kill him!" Max whined. We all laughed hysterically as we began making our way towards the car. On the way towards the car, Sam asked Jake, "so what in cremini Christmas tree happened in there then? Did you find out the truth?" "Yes we did. Let's just say it's a long story Sam. I'll tell you it in the car." Jake said as we all got into the car and began speeding our way towards Sam and Max's crib for some homemade Glennie sandwiches.
The following day, Sabe and I arranged an interview with Harry Gaye Editor In Chief of The Daily Otter. Harry arrived at the house, and asked us some general questions regarding El Burro, the Tango Mafia, as well as the Tango conspiracy in general. We answered all of Gaye's questions with great applaud, but Harry it would seem had his own agenda. Little did we know that Harry Gaye was actually highly corrupt and was actually on Tango's payroll and for big money too. In his newspaper about the incident, Harry Gaye dismissed any connection between El Burro and the Tango company. Furthermore, Mr Gaye went on to state that the Tango company is a completely legitimate business, and that me and Sabe support the company and all decisions that they make. "That's not what we said!" I cried as I read through the newspaper. "Don't worry about it Tim." Sabe said who didn't seem to be all that bothered about the whole ordeal as he was far too busy having a Skype chat with his homie Superintendent Chalmers to even bother noticing me and my plight. Deeply saddened over Harry Gaye's betrayal and the false story published by the Daily Otter, I opted to take a small walk along the pier in order to clear my head on a few things. I was also planning on getting a good whiff of the salty sea air as it smelt really good in my opinion.
Walking along the pier, I had myself a little smoke as I overlooked the bay. Dusk had fallen and the lamp lighters had began plying their trade. It was 6'o clock for certain! So essentially Sabe and I had gone through all that effort to bring down El Burro and the Tango Mafia and for what? Nothing! I can't believe I ever trusted Daily Otter with the story. I should have been smarter, and taken the story to 18K. Unlike Daily Otter, 18K tell the truth and never lie just like their mentor Rocking Ricky Foxx. In any case, I wasn't walking for much longer as I was eventually ran over and killed by a speeding fiat panda. The fiat panda was being driven by Cee Lo Green and the old lady we stole the car from earlier in the story if you can remember that, and I think you can. Think real hard. "Next time, ask before you sing!" Cee Lo Green laughed as he drove the streets in his precious fiat panda. Despite being killed, twas I who got the last laugh as ole Cee Lo ended up crashing the car into an old oak tree. Poor old Cee Lo Green and old lady incidental 69. Wink. Oh, and don't you go worrying your beautiful head about Cee Lo Green. He's fine and dandy as the underworld are big fans of Cee Lo Green, and I saw him performing at a show in Dorchester this morning. Off note for a second, Cee Lo Green looked extremely confused like he didn't even know where he was. So whose laughing now then Cee Lo!? Whose laughing now huh!?
And that concludes today's service. To be honest with you, I have no real idea on how to finish this thing off but let's just say I'll end it with the moral. Sometimes you feel hot that's called a fever either that or you're aroused. Okay, wow I actually really don't have any idea on how to round this thing off, but regardless of that fact, I want you to know that life in the underworld is pretty sweet. Actually, no it really isn't I have to attend scare school with this really ugly looking teacher ghost named Snivel who tells some of the worst puns I ever heard in my life time. Nope not even joking on that one! Yeah that part at the beginning where I said I was waiting to catch the tube to Yorkshire was a load of bullshit. I only said that to look cool. Didn't really work did it? Now as I stated in the previous paragraph of this epic tale, I really should have been smarter. Ole Colonel Dodo never would have fallen for it. He'd of smelt a rat. He'd of tripled his precautions. That's all in the past now. Oh and by the way click the link in the description for a free Tango megaphone. I begging you please buy one, and spread the word about the Tango conspiracy. Tango may think that their secret is safe, but thanks to me and Sabe the truth is finally out there. If you fail then only Sam and Max can save us and if they fail well we'll all be in deep shit without a paddle if you catch my drift? Ta ra readers I've got another lesson with Snivel this one's on harmonic reinforcements. What the shit does that have to do with being a ghost? It's ludicrous I'm telling you absolutely bloody ludicrous! BYE BYE!
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