Paul Blart 3: The Curse of the Jewel Thief

Have you ever seen Paul Blart: Mall Cop? It starred King of Queens comedian Kevin James in the breakthrough role that changed the hearts of many and potentially created the greatest film series known to man. Paul Blart: Mall Cop is about a man named Paul Blart who is a mall cop. Redundant, I know, but many things in life are. The most important thing is to be a good person. That's what I learned from Paul Blart. See, most movies are about bang-bang shoot em ups and wild west fisticuffs, but Paul? He was an everyman like me. Just the usual mall cop, observing and reporting. He was just like me. A regular guy who likes beer, frito chili pie and Sunday night foot ball. A good ol' boy I guess. Whatever that means.
Anyway, I initially acquired a VHS copy of the film that shook the very core of my being and left my mortal soul in pieces on the floor. Cut my life into pieces, this was my last resort. My god. This shit. Scared the fuck out of me. I apologize for cursing, but sometimes it's hard not to. Life is hard, and the harder life gets, the more you curse, until you're telling the man at the Subway Sandwich shop that if he adds one more goddamn spinach leaf to that fuckin' six inch tuna on toast- you catch my drift.
Anyway, this was not just Paul Blart. It was Paul Blart 3: The Curse of the Jewel Thief. I don't know why Paul would be chasing down a jewel thief, so this shocked me. I tried shoving the VHS into a dvd player, but it didn't fit. After contacting tech support, I got it working by purchasing several devices daisy chained across my living room because I have lost complete and total control of my life.
Good lord. This movie... The music started out spooky. Paul Blart's pupils looked a little dazed. Kevin James just seemed a little out of it.
That was when I saw him light up a blunt. After googling what it was, I was shocked. Cannabis. Marijuana. Strom Thurmand. My god.
I didn't think it was appropriate for Kevin James to be smoking marijuana. He goes to work high on his moped, hitting several things on the sidewalk and actually appears to run over a live cat. My goodness. Later, we see it was a CG cat, because you also see it dancing down the block, but it's later shown that it was just a prank by some kids in Corel Art Studio, so nobody seems to mind. Except me.
Kevin James crashes his moped into the side of the building as he notices a man shopping for jewelry. "Jewel Thief!" he screams, and, oddly enough, there is a laugh track. It sounded like demonic men with pitchforks and tails laughing aloud. What the fuck was this? Movies don't have laugh tracks! I was about to return this video when something really, Really fucked up happened. "GET ON THE FLOOR!" he screams. "PUT YOUR HANDS UP, GET ON THE FLOOR AND COME OUTSIDE!" he screamed. The man was shocked. He dropped the jewels, which were actually just a bag of dippin' dots. Paul Blart took out a gun and pointed it. "COMPLY!" he screamed. "COMPLY!" Paul Blart pulled the trigger, shooting the man in the heart. The man fell on the floor. "We got a 426, sausage and pie brouhaha at the Oktoberfest booth!" He quickly stole a sausage from a counter and put it on the man's corpse, planting evidence.
Paul began to cry as the cops arrived. "He assaulted me with a Wheatabix." Paul cried profusely and the tape went to black. Cold. Empty. Frozen.
My heart skipped a beat at the sadness that pervaded the screen. A weird screen that seemed like it was out of star wars began scrolling. "Paul blart defeated the trillians of the 26th federation. The galaxy is now at peace. Go now, harvest more zirconian diamonds for the troglodytes, Paul Blart! Activate!" Paul Blart's moped transformed into a Rocketship and he flew off into the distance, laughing, and laughing, and laughing away.
I threw the tape in the garbage. Yeah, go search every landfill in America for it if you want. I ain't watchin' that shit. Later that week, my girlfriend broke up with me and I was sued by the Keebler elves for copyright infringement because of something about that VHS and fifty sticker codes. Also, My life was ruined, but there is hope for you. Don't watch that tape. Don't watch any tapes. Read a book. You'll get no commercials.
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