Express "Taylor Swift"

Vážení cestující! Omlouváme se za zpoždění vlaku. Mezistátní expres č.189, dopravce ČESKÉ DRÁHY ze stanice: Brno hlavní nádraží, s příjezdem v 16:07, který dále pokračuje do stanice: Praha hlavní nádraží, Plzeň hlavní nádraží a - München Hauptbahnhof, bude opožděn. Předpokládané zpožděná vlaku bude asi 450 minut! Upozorňujeme cestující, že ohlášené zpoždění se může změnit! Vlak bude opožděn z důvodů zaviněných cestující veřejností!
INISS 3 information system
The Taylor Swift Train is a special express service by České dráhy, created as a response to Taylor Swift’s concert in the Czech Republic, specifically designed for Swifties.
When it became clear that Central Europe was about to experience one of the largest musical invasions in history in 2026, Czech Railways couldn’t just stand by idly. The mass exodus of Swifties demanded action. And so, in meeting rooms where decisions usually revolve around how many years it will take to repair a single Pendolino, an idea was born—a special express service to speed up fan transfers between concert locations and relieve regular connections.
On paper, it seemed like a brilliant move. In reality, it was a disaster so monumental that it will go down in Czech Railways' history alongside the failure of the "Railjet for the poor" project or the fatal mistake of believing RegioJet would never be real competition. Express “Taylor Swift” was meant to be a triumph, but it became the funeral carriage of the entire transportation strategy.
== Origin ==
The year 2026 was supposed to be a turning point for the Czech Republic. After twenty years of being ignored by Taylor Swift—probably because Czechs are subhumans in her eyes or simply because there aren’t enough luxury Starbucks locations—this pop icon finally announced her visit. And not just to one city, but three. Local fans, the same ones who had no idea where Brno was just a week ago, lost their minds with excitement.
But this moment of absolute triumph had one major catch. Where do you put the endless horde of fans? Air travel was out of the question—Ryanair was offering €2 tickets, but only if passengers agreed to bring nothing but a microscopic fanny pack and stand for the entire flight. Buses? RegioJet drivers would have a mental breakdown after eight straight hours of screaming about how All Too Well changed someone's life. That left only one option—rail transport.
And so, in the offices of Czech Railways, an idea was born—one that, in hindsight, would turn out to be the very essence of idiocy. The plan: deploy special trains to handle the nationwide transportation of fanatical Swifties. The goal was clear—take some of the pressure off the regular train lines, which were already on the verge of collapse, since Czech Railways had grown accustomed to the luxury of an average six-month delay over the past decade.
In theory, it sounded perfect. Fans would get special express trains, precisely timed to match the concert schedule, equipped with comfortable coaches and all the amenities this army of pink TikTok zombies needed. Unfortunately, there was one tiny problem:
ČD didn’t have any suitable train cars.
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To be clear—it's not that train cars didn’t exist. But every single modern compartment, every air-conditioned interior, and every coach that didn’t smell like a chemical toilet at a music festival had already been assigned to regular long-distance routes. InterPanters? Taken. Railjets? Busy on routes to Austria. Pendolinos? The few that were available were stuck shuttling between Prague and Ostrava in a desperate attempt to compete with Leo Express.
And so, a catastrophically bad decision was made. If modern train cars weren’t available, they would have to dig deeper into history. Much deeper.
With all the newer trains unavailable, Czech Railways decided to resurrect the biggest railway corpses ever to grace Czech tracks. And when we say "corpses," we mean train cars that should have been scrapped and turned into canned food tins years ago.
Where did these legendary wrecks come from?
* The Czech Třebová Rail Cemetery – The final resting place for express train cars that have survived the last two world wars.
* Prague-South Depot – Where trains spend retirement believing they’ll never have to carry passengers again.
* Brno-Horní Heršpice Depot – A maintenance facility where trains are kept in such pitiful condition that even Ukrainian refugee evacuation cars are more luxurious.
* Děčín – The last stop for train cars that nobody wants anymore, but still exist because scrapping them would be too expensive.
To see if the train could actually move, a test run was scheduled between Prague and Kolín.
* The doors on two cars wouldn’t open—because rust had welded them shut, and nobody bothered to check.
* The heating system in one car exploded—probably because it hadn’t been serviced since 1994.
* The Wi-Fi didn’t work—causing a panic attack among the test group of Swifties.
* One of the train cars just decided to catch fire—because what else would you expect from technology dating back to the last millennium?
And yet, the decision was made: The Taylor Swift Express would roll out.
No one could have predicted that this choice would lead to one of the greatest transportation disasters in Central European history…
== Route ==
=== Ex 189 "Taylor Swift" (Outbound) ===
Section 	Details
Route 	Brno hl.n → Česká Třebová → Pardubice hl.n → Kolín → Mladá Boleslav hl.n → Česká Lípa hl.n → Děčín hl.n → Ústí nad Labem hl.n → Praha-Holešovice → Praha hl.n → Plzeň hl.n → Domažlice → Furth im Wald → München Hbf
Planned Travel Time 	10 hours (pure fantasy)
Actual Travel Time 	39 hours (arrival not guaranteed, delays are biblical)
Locomotive Change 	Kolín, Děčín, Plzeň (electrification? Standardized rail network? Never heard of it!)
Regular Passenger Transport	Yes, but only between Pardubice and Prague (passengers have a slim chance of getting out alive here)
Luggage Transport 	Limited (space is prioritized for medical evacuations and emotional support crying zones)
Onboard Experience 	- Doors jammed shut (passengers must climb out of windows if evacuation is needed) 
- Heating system may explode (passengers advised to sit near emergency exits—if they open) 
- No Wi-Fi (Swifties may suffer immediate psychological distress) 
- Unscheduled fires (considered a feature, not a bug)
Special Measures 	In Plzeň hl.n, the train is renumbered to EuroCity 1189, creating the illusion of a premium service.
=== Station Descriptions ===
Station 	Description 	Photo
Brno hl.n 	The start of this horror ride. Passengers board with excitement, blissfully unaware of their fate. 	
Česká Třebová 	A major rail hub, also known as the scrapyard where half of this train was salvaged from. 	
Pardubice hl.n 	The last safe point. If you can, disembark here and run for your life. 	
Kolín 	Locomotive change. Expect delays as ČD personnel search for a working engine. 	
Mladá Boleslav hl.n	Swifties may get out and admire the industrial wasteland before reboarding their personal hell. 	
Česká Lípa hl.n 	A strategic stop for existential reflection. 	
Děčín hl.n 	Locomotive change again—because why not? 	
Ústí nad Labem hl.n	Passengers may witness chemical pollution so intense that it adds another layer of suffering. 	
Praha-Holešovice 	Almost Prague, but not quite. Desperation levels increase. 	
Praha hl.n 	Halfway point. Many will try to escape, but ČD staff will drag them back in. 	
Plzeň hl.n 	Train is magically renamed to EuroCity 1189, giving passengers false hope of a faster and more luxurious ride.	
Domažlice 	Civilization ends here. From now on, only suffering. 	
Furth im Wald 	Welcome to Germany, where even Deutsche Bahn will look like a luxury service compared to this. 	
München Hbf 	Survivors crawl out, deeply traumatized. Therapy recommended. 	
=== Ex 190 "Taylor Swift" (Return) ===
Section 	Details
Route 	München Hbf → Furth im Wald → Domažlice → Plzeň hl.n → Praha hl.n → Praha-Holešovice → Ústí nad Labem hl.n → Děčín hl.n → Děčín-Východ → Česká Lípa hl.n → Mladá Boleslav hl.n → Kolín → Pardubice hl.n → Česká Třebová → Skalice nad Svitavou → Blansko → Brno-Královo Pole → Brno hl.n → Břeclav
Planned Travel Time 	14 hours (lies and propaganda)
Actual Travel Time 	64 hours (passengers arrive significantly older, if at all)
Locomotive Change 	Plzeň, Děčín, Kolín (because nothing screams efficiency like switching engines three times)
Regular Passenger Transport	No, unless someone actively seeks to experience the fifth circle of hell.
Luggage Transport 	Yes, but don’t expect your luggage to make it to the final destination.
Onboard Experience 	- Severe dehydration (beverages available only to those willing to drink from radiators) 
- Train will break down every other station (passengers encouraged to push it themselves) 
- Spiritual crisis (conductors may charge extra for onboard therapy)
Special Measures 	Train starts in München Hbf as EuroCity 1190. In Kolín, it is downgraded to R 890 "Svitava", and in Brno hl.n, it is reduced to Os 4472, completing its tragic descent into irrelevance.
=== Station Descriptions ===
Station 	Description
München Hbf 	Departure. Optimistic passengers board, unaware they are about to enter the longest psychological endurance test of their lives.
Furth im Wald 	The last moment passengers can reconsider their choices.
Domažlice 	Civilization disappears. Desperation sets in.
Plzeň hl.n 	Train crew will attach additional cars, assuming anyone still wishes to continue.
Praha hl.n 	The point where most passengers will attempt to escape. ČD personnel will resist.
Praha-Holešovice 	If you’re still here, you might as well accept your fate.
Ústí nad Labem hl.n 	The sight of chemical plants may remind passengers of their own decaying hope.
Děčín hl.n 	Another locomotive change. No one even pretends this is normal anymore.
Děčín-Východ 	Stop added purely to prolong suffering.
Česká Lípa hl.n 	An ideal place for a breakdown—both mechanical and emotional.
Mladá Boleslav hl.n 	No one knows why this stop exists, but it does.
Kolín 	Train is humiliatingly renamed R 890 "Svitava", signaling the final collapse of its dignity.
Pardubice hl.n 	A false glimmer of hope. You’re not even close to freedom.
Česká Třebová 	Passengers will contemplate whether their suffering has a greater meaning. It doesn’t.
Skalice nad Svitavou	At this point, time has lost all meaning.
Blansko 	Passengers consider mutiny.
Brno-Královo Pole 	The atmosphere of despair is palpable.
Brno hl.n 	Train is officially downgraded to Os 4472, completing its transformation from an "express" into a miserable commuter train.
Břeclav 	If you made it here, congratulations. You have seen the worst that rail travel has to offer.
== Planned composition ==
=== Ex/EC 189/190 "Taylor Swift" ===
Order	Car Type 	Model 	Manufacturer 	Year Built 	Modernization	Max Speed (km/h)	Seating Capacity	Layout 	Equipment & Features 	Interior
1 	Electric/Diesel Locomotive	ČD 362 (Brno–Kolín), ČD 714 (Kolín–Děčín), ČD 362 (Děčín–Plzeň), DLB 223 (Plzeň–München)	Škoda / ČKD / Siemens 	1980s–1990s	N/A 	90–160 	N/A 	N/A 	Sometimes moves forward 	Doesn't really matter.
2 	First-Class Coach 	Aee 140 	VEB Waggonbau Görlitz (GDR)	1974-1985 	2015 - 2017 	160 	52 	Compartment 	Air conditioning, working toilets, Internet connection, 230V sockets	
3 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 238 	MVG Györ (Hungary) 	1966–1974 	2010 - 2011 	160 	60 	Compartment 	Worn seats, functional lighting, occasional heating 	
4 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 238 	MVG Györ (Hungary) 	1966–1974 	2010 - 2011 	160 	60 	Compartment 	Wi-Fi (sometimes), seating from the past century 	
5 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 238 	MVG Györ (Hungary) 	1966–1974 	2010 - 2011 	160 	60 	Compartment 	Power sockets, some doors may or may not open 	
6 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 238 	MVG Györ (Hungary) 	1966–1974 	2010 - 2011 	160 	60 	Compartment 	Windows may or may not function 	
7 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 238 	MVG Györ (Hungary) 	1966–1974 	2010 - 2011 	160 	60 	Compartment 	No major structural failures yet 	
8 	Second-Class Coach 	Bpee 237 	MVG Györ (Hungary)
VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974–1985 	2010 - 2012 	160 	80 	Open-Space 	Digital displays, automatic doors, misleading luxury 	
9 	Second-Class Coach 	Bpee 237 	MVG Györ (Hungary)
VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974–1985 	2010 - 2012 	160 	80 	Open-Space 	Digital displays, automatic doors, misleading luxury 	
10 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 238 	MVG Györ (Hungary) 	1966–1974 	2010 - 2012 	160 	60 	Compartment 	Expect same experience as previous Bee 238s 	Watch up there
11 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 273 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1972–1985 	1993 - 1995 	140 	58 	Compartment/Open-Space	Manual doors, 230V socket on toilet 	
12 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 272 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1969–1973 	1993 - 1995 	140 	58 	Compartment/Open-Space	Upgraded B 249, still old 	
13 	Luggage & Bicycle Coach 	Bbdgmee 236 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1987-1988 	2012 -2 014 	160 	41 	Luggage/Compartment 	Luxurious luggage car, Wi-Fi and many other things 	
=== Notes: ===
* Ex 189 in Plzeň changes its designation to EuroCity 1189.
* Ex 190 starts in München as EuroCity 1190.
* In Kolín, Ex 190 becomes R 890 "Svitava".
* In Brno hl.n., R 890 changes to Os 4472 (commuter train).
* Capacity estimates are theoretical, actual numbers may vary based on how many passengers collapse from exhaustion.
== Actual composition ==
=== Ex/EC 189 "Taylor Swift" ===
No.	Car Type 	Model 	Manufacturer 	Year Built 	Modernized? 	Max Speed (km/h)	Capacity	Seating Layout 	Features 	Interior
1 	Electric/Diesel Locomotive	ČD 362 (Brno–Kolín), ČD 714 (Kolín–Děčín), ČD 362 (Děčín–Plzeň), DLB 223 (Plzeň–Munich)	Škoda / ČKD / Siemens 	1980s–1990s	None 	90-160 	N/A 	N/A 	- 	
2 	First-Class Coach 	A149 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1972–1978 	No/"Humanizated"	140 	54 	Compartment 	Freezing in winter, hotter than Satan’s asshole in summer, smells like a wet dog that died a week ago 	
3 	First-Class coach 	A149 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1972–1978 	No/"Humanizated"	140 	54 	Compartment 	Freezing in winter, hotter than Satan’s asshole in summer, smells like a wet dog that died a week ago 	
4 	Second-Class Coach 	B249 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974–1985 	No/"Humanizated"	140 	80 	Compartment 	Leather seats stick to your ass like a used condom, unidentified stains everywhere. Some of them has "humanizated" interior (230V sockets, new poor fabric seats)	
5 	Second Class coach 	B249 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974–1985 	No/"Humanizated"	140 	80 	Compartment 	Leather seats stick to your ass like a used condom, unidentified stains everywhere. Some of them has "humanizated" interior (230V sockets, new poor fabric seats)	
6 	Second-Class Coach 	B249 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974–1985 	No/"Humanizated"	140 	80 	Compartment 	Leather seats stick to your ass like a used condom, unidentified stains everywhere. Some of them has "humanizated" interior (230V sockets, new poor fabric seats)	
7 	Second-Class Coach 	B249 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974–1985 	No/"Humanizated"	140 	80 	Compartment 	Leather seats stick to your ass like a used condom, unidentified stains everywhere. Some of them has "humanizated" interior (230V sockets, new poor fabric seats)	
8 	Second-Class Coach 	Bee 272 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1972 - 1973	1993 - 1995 	140 	58 	Compartment/Open-Space	Has doors that sometimes close, but the toilet still flushes straight onto the tracks 	
9 	Second-Class Coach 	Bdmtee 275 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1989-1990 	2004-2007 	160 	96 	Open-Space 	Feels like sitting on a church pew, back pain guaranteed 	
10 	Second-Class Coach 	Bdtmee 275 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1989-1990 	2004-2007 	160 	96 	Open-Space 	Feels like sitting on a church pew, back pain guaranteed 	
11 	Second-Class Coach 	B249 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974–1985 	No 	140 	80 	Compartment 	Designed by someone who hates humans 	Look above lol
12 	Second-Class Coach 	Bd 264 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974-1985 	2009 - 2011 	140 	74 	Compartment 	Lights don’t work, but that’s actually an improvement, with some place for bicycles (otherwise same as B 249) 	
13 	Luggage Coach 	BDs 449 	VEB Waggonbau Bautzen (GDR)	1974 - 1981	No 	140 	40 	Luggage/Compartment 	Where both suitcases and passengers who’ve lost the will to live end up 	
=== EC/Ex/R/Os 1190/190/890/4472 (Return) – Real Train Composition & Features ===
(Copy-paste the same festering heap of garbage but in reverse – doesn’t make it any better)
==== Notes: ====
* Ex 189 in Plzeň changes its designation to EuroCity 1189.
* Ex 190 starts in München as EuroCity 1190.
* In Kolín, Ex 190 becomes R 890 "Svitava", meaning it's now officially a regional fast train but still just as shitty.
* In Brno hl.n., R 890 changes to Os 4472, finally embracing its destiny as a glorified commuter bus on rails.
* Locomotive changes happen three times per journey because uniform infrastructure is for losers.
* Capacity estimates are theoretical; actual numbers may vary based on how many passengers pass out, die, or escape through a broken window.
* Delay estimates are purely optimistic bullshit—you’ll arrive someday.
== Release ==
=== Brno – Kolín: ===
At 8:13 AM, the train lurched out of Brno, groaning like a wounded animal. Those who squeezed their way into the battered carriages still clutched onto the naive belief that they were merely passengers. They had no idea they’d entered a rolling asylum bound for hell.
The Swifties – preteen gremlins and middle-aged divorcees, all dolled up like glitter-soaked clowns – were buzzing with excitement. Plzen awaited. Taylor Swift awaited. Their queen. Phones clicked. TikToks flooded the net. Their giggles echoed like a death rattle. It was their last moment of innocence.
The train was a coffin on wheels. The seats felt like concrete slabs wrapped in crusty fabric, stained with substances no one dared identify. Windows sealed shut. Air conditioning? A distant dream. Within minutes, the carriage stank of sweat, fruity body spray, and bile. Someone had already vomited.
Then came the discovery.
“No Wi-Fi?” a pink-haired goblin shrieked. “At least we can charge our phones,” murmured another, desperately seeking salvation in sockets. Dead. Every. Single. One.
The hysteria erupted like a bomb.
“I CAN’T TAKE IT! I’M GONNA DIE!” a girl with braided hair screamed, clawing at her scalp. Another smeared lipstick onto the wall, scrawling “Taylor Will Save Us.” Two others started making out. More joined. Soon, the carriage became a perverse music video – sloppy kisses, rhinestone bras flying, tears mixing with saliva.
By Vyškov, a girl smashed her phone against the seat. When the screen shattered, she grabbed a shard and pressed it into her neck. Her friend snapped a photo, whispering, “So aesthetic…”
Česká Třebová marked the first mass suicide. Three teens hung themselves using their bras in the stroller space. Their bodies swayed with the train’s rhythm. The conductor peeked in, shrugged, and walked on.
Pardubice brought escalation. Five Swifties stripped naked, licking seats like possessed dogs. One jammed her iPhone down her throat while shrieking the chorus of “Love Story.” She choked. Her friends clapped. When she stopped twitching, one leaned in for mouth-to-mouth but ended up French kissing the corpse.
The conductor returned. Saw the body. Poked it with his broom. “Another idiot.” He swept her limp frame to the door and booted it onto the tracks as the train sped on.
Kolín shattered hope. Swifties clawed at windows. The doors were manual. Handles. Comprehension failed them.
Elsewhere, two girls found a folding toilet. “Let’s send her to Taylor,” one giggled. She crammed her friend in. Pulled the flush. Her friend suffocated. Legs twitched. The conductor yanked the lever harder. When limbs jammed the pipe, he kicked what stuck out onto the tracks.
The train dragged north. Swifties gathered like cultists. Some drew a Ouija board in lip gloss. One bit off her pinky and offered it to their Pop Goddess.
The conductors snapped. Armed with ticket machines and brooms, they patrolled like prison guards. A Swiftie asked for help; she was beaten until teeth clattered to the floor.
=== Děčín: ===
Crossing the border into Děčín was like entering the mouth of hell. The Swifties, now feral, started chewing seat covers for sustenance. A girl peeled a scab off her friend’s knee and ate it like communion. Another dug into her thigh with a nail file, hoping the pain would reconnect her to Taylor’s spirit.
Near the buffet car, a group tried to sacrifice a pigeon they caught by the window, chanting lyrics to "You Belong With Me" as they twisted its neck.
The conductor passed. No words. Just a mop handle cracking a girl’s collarbone as he cleared a path.
=== Ústí nad Labem: ===
The train rattled into Ústí. Half the Swifties were catatonic. The other half were fighting each other for drops of bottled water. One girl beat her friend unconscious with a Crocs sandal over a Capri-Sun pouch.
The doors creaked open. A few tried to escape. The conductor caught them. He didn’t even bother speaking. He raised his ticket machine like an executioner’s axe. Foreheads split. Teeth flew. They were shoved back inside.
A Swiftie slipped onto the platform, clutching her phone, trying to call her mom. “There’s no signal…” The conductor watched. He nudged her onto the tracks with his boot. Train doors slammed shut.
=== Ústí – Prague: ===
No more screams. The Swifties were broken. Muted sobs. One girl gnawed on a bus ticket. Another held a picture of Taylor, praying.
A girl whispered, “Maybe if we jump out…” Her friend replied, “What if we miss the concert?”
The conductor passed. No beatings this time. Just contempt.
=== Prague: ===
Hlavní nádraží was meant to be salvation. The Swifties thought they were free.
The doors. Handles.
“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO OPEN IT!” “I’M TRYING! NOTHING WORKS!”
A girl shattered her ankle kicking the glass. Another bashed her head into the door, cracking her skull open.
The conductor arrived, drunk. He turned the handle. The door opened.
Bodies tumbled onto the platform. The living dragged themselves out like trench survivors. Tears, glitter, and blood mixed. Some filmed TikToks.
=== Prague – Plzeň: ===
The train rolled westward. The Swifties were shells. Some kissed, but it was ritualistic now. Two gnawed seat cushions. A girl scratched her arm with a makeup brush, muttering Taylor’s lyrics.
Beroun: Suicide Attempt #37. A girl tried to slit her wrists with a Starbucks gift card. Minor scratches. She cried from failure.
The conductors didn’t care. They kicked any body that didn’t move.
=== Plzeň: ===
The train arrived. Outwardly normal. Inside: charnel house.
Doors. Handles. Their final boss.
“IT WON’T OPEN!” “TAYLOR HELP US!”
A girl gnawed the handle. Another used her iPhone as a crowbar, smashing her face in the process. One rammed the window with her head, collapsed, twitching.
The conductor stepped up. Wordless. Turned the handle.
The Swifties spilled onto the platform like the defeated.
Taylor’s concert began. They cried. Sang. Worshipped.
Back on the platform, the conductor hosed blood off the train.
Category:Shameless Verbatim Translations
Category:Trains
Category:Czech Republic
Category:Taylor Swift
Category:Transportation
Category:Bat Fuck Insane