Making up Oscar Wilde quotes

Hello! My name is Lord Waltherington Spatula, you might have heard of me from either the news coverage of the tragic tram accident that lost me my arms, or the crown court trial where I was declared mentally incompetent after crashing a tram. 
I see you're interested in Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes. I was like you once, so very long ago. If you wish to learn as I did then there is only one way, please step forward, my assistant, Oscar.
He's such a card. Yes that's right, it turns out rumours of Oscar's death were greatly overstated as he's here, with me, in this booth, behind these curtains where you couldn't possibly see him. So, Oscar, why don't you tell everyone what they will need to get started?
I keep telling you, I'm not James, Walt Whitman or the deplorable condition of man.
Oh shut up.
==The picture of Dorian Gray==
Why isn't this section named something more relevant?
We agreed that I'd name the sections and you'd just provide valuable insights as and when I ask for them, not flaunt your tedious book in my section headers.
Why thank you. Now ...
==The anatomy of a quote==
The first and possibly the most vital stage is to start small. As a house is built from the ground up, your quote must rise from insignificance to... significance! You must ask yourself, what would Oscar say? Why would he say it? Oscar was is, without question the most significant intellectualist of the last two centuries! Remember:
No, not that one.
Yes, exactly. You are in read my mind Oscar. Oscar would always do something different, something surprising! Let your rash impulses guide you, if a quote by Oscar would seem to fit an article about gayness or perhaps a fatuous theory of existence then follow that instinct. Your instincts can guide you as they once still guide Oscar. From his early life in Dublin, to University, to Pentonville Prison, to my side, Oscar's instincts took him there and they can take you too. That being said you might want to skip prison; I gather it's quite dirty in there.
What is that supposed to mean?
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???
Don't push me Oscar or you'll feel the power of the Dragon-fist. I once used it to kill a man.
Exactly. So to sum up, be just like Oscar Wilde himself, don't go to prison and fear the power of the Dragon.
==De Profundis==
That's it! From now on, no epigrams, epistles, books, novels, novelettes, plays, poems or dialogues in the section headers. Especially if you wrote them!
==Non-quotable subjects==
Now Oscar deplored deplores censorship, so do I as it happens, but there are certain subjects that Oscar would never been seen dead being quoted on, in or around. The first of these, and probably the most important is fashion. While we can all agree that Oscar cut cuts a very dashing figure, he doesn't like fashion. If you feel that Oscar's witticisms and insights would be at home on an article about pants or hats then you are mistaken.
Oscar and I are of one mind you see.
There's no need for you to think about that too much.
We can all see that, so while we're at it don't quote Oscar in any article about life, unless your quote concerns his unassailable genius, and no Wilde quotes on pages about work of any kind unless they are about his innumerable talents. The only exception to the above is that quotes about his pigheadedness and how impossible he is to work with are welcome everywhere.
Stupid am I? Anything else to say? Perhaps you'd like to insult my looks just to complete the set?
You've really done it now, as soon as I get up from this chair, make it across to your chaise longue and screw on my prosthetic punching arm, you'll wish you'd never been a figment of my imagination! What do you say to that? You overrated blotter jotter!
==The Ballad of Reading Gaol==
That's the straw that breaks the camel's face, or whatever the saying is. 
==The truth of masks==
I don't understand, you were here, you've always been here... I can't hear your voice any more, the silence is deafening. I feel elated, I feel free, but at the same time I feel confined. I feel taller than the tallest trees, but lower than the deepest ocean. Now that you are gone, perhaps I too will have to Make up Oscar Wilde quotes the norm for so many, but the unthinkable for me...
Speak to me Oscar, please, I cannot live on without you.
Oscar! You've returned! I am sorry, so so sorry. Speak to me! Say something profound, something amazing.
I'll never hate you again.
==An ideal husband==
You're a fucking numbskull Oscar, you know that?
==See also==
*Oscar Wilde
*Oscar's REAL quotations
*Oscar's writings
Category:Quotes
Category:Oscar Wilde
Wilde
 
Wilde
Category:People for whom Quotes are Made up
Category:How To ...do everything
Category:History of Uncyclopedia‎
Category:Uncyclopedia In-Jokes