Lin Wood

Lin Wood is a disco dancing lawyer from Boogietown, USA. Born to be in the 70s, although in other centuries it would seem vague and nonsensical. He would achieve world wide fame as the champion of all sex symbols who could shake their booties and shine in the best threads and fashions of the era. He became a lawyer when the dance floors were taken over by two-stepping turkeys who sidestepped and shuffled around the law. This would never do with Lin! It was not where it was at. What was happenin' in these worn out courtrooms, with no flare or taste, was an abomination to serious jivin' souls everywhere. Things were serious. Things fell apart with no mojo to hold them together. Lin got down and started to clean the place with his own style of shimmy and shook out the corrupt courts. Having won practically every dance contest, he quickly earned the title of Disco King. With that status he would out-platform the rest with bling so fierce that gave all mirror balls a blinding reflect effect and left the casual dancer stardazed and with the fever, you dig?
==Bustin' Moves==
It was a midnight at a discotheque when Lin would encounter the infamous dancing fool who swore to break up the disco dominance and turn dancers into contortionists and spin on their heads. Lin was outraged at the fool's obvious lack of glitz and with a readjustment of his massive collar, he called out the fool as a total drag. Both were now toe to toe in a ballroom blitz of who could out-move the other. The fool tried to use an electric slide move to the beat of a snare drum but couldn't get pumping when the tambourine started shakin'. That's when Lin walked onto the floor with a steady shake of the hip and spun around with footwork like a fox. His rhythm was chillin' and he easily out-stepped the crash of cymbals. He took two more steps and added in an extra grind. The music was fly, with no sign of slowing down so Lin got groovin' and burned up the floor.
The dancing fool would not give up his stride. When Lin was waiting for the next move, that's when the fool began popping and blocking, thumping on his heels and going straight into a head spin. Lin was impressed. It was radical. But when the fool was takin' in the glory, Lin stepped up and swung around with footwork to a beat that was slammin'. Everyone was groovin' in the back and shining up their studded bell bottoms. Lin was stellar and left the fool in the dust. Once again, Lin had set the place ablaze in a chillin' way that was the bomb. Lin knew the freaky fool was not on the up and up and the man came down to take him downtown. Lin delivered on the busting of moves in more ways than one. If you catch my drift.
==Shakin' It Up==
By the end of the 1960s Lin was assigned to handle all of the Marilyn Monroe estate. She wanted to dance to her own music and beat and escaped the evil clutches of the disco inferno infernal twins who were trying to kill her. Lin was rumored to be romantically involved with Marilyn, but then again, who wasn't? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Lin does have what it takes. A non-stop dancing machine and quite handy with the ladies. Disco kings have to keep their reputations. When Marilyn's estate went on auction, Lin oversaw the event to be sure to spy out anyone connected to the infernal twins.
Sure enough the infernal twins showed up and started to challenge everyone to a dance off. This was serious business and Lin would not have it on his watch. One of the twins set down a boom box and got everyone to thumping. And before Lin could have security throw them out, he was called out for not wearing the right kind of threads. He tried to call Miss Marilyn and ask for advice. But she was busy modeling a new line of disco bikini wear. It wasn't unheard of to dance to the groove wearing nothing but skimpy outfits and flaunt what you got. To stand over air vents and allow a sneak peek. It wasn't unheard of to show off and be noticed. But Lin always lived dangerously.
In any case, Lin was up to the challenge and used fancy footwork to dance circles around the infernal twins. Then everyone else got involved and the scene was extreme. A total blow out. It was so far out. Lin had the goods to deliver and was hip to the game. He got the lowdown on them and they freaked out. Instead of being slack and chilling out, they got stoked to wreck the place. The expensive items on auction ended up broken and smashed because the twins had no rhythm or taste, let alone sense of floor space.
Lin was bummin' but his rap was smooth-like about the disaster that became of the auction. Miss Monroe was bugging out but she would come down when the effect wore off. Lin later told her that the auction wasn't really much of a loss since her collection of Oscars were mainly made from recycled aluminum soda cans.
==He's So With It==
Jive master George High Five of the Jungle Jive, had many students over the decade in his studio, and Lin was no exception. He was the exception, soon outpacing the teacher. George couldn't even keep up with his best and brightest student. George was proud of his ability to teach a white man to dance like he was born to do it. George had a talent to keep it going, his rhythm was with it. His mojo had rubbed off on Lin because Lin was so with it.
George and Lin tore up dance floors and brought houses down. Broke legs and got extra funky when there was a chance everyone was getting high. They rode those waves. There was no stopping the tempo. Foxes were all over and George and Lin were always getting in on the action. Playing it cool. Shaking things up and getting down. Cruising the fast lanes and kicking up their heels. They were gathering no moss and being fly. It was razzle dazzle all the way and roller disco was all the rage. Pretty far out, huh?
By the time the nightclubs started opening up and things were way smooth and laid back, Lin could never go wrong. He never had to ask twice; gimme some skin. A powerhouse that was rarified and certified. The walls of his establishment was totally with it, too. His achievements were numerous and floors he won were multitude and dazzling. Velvet drapes and shag carpeting with beanbags so rad, his pad was the envy of other lawyers. That is how with it Lin is. As a matter of fact he is so with it that he can summon the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders on a dime, cruise the main streets in a new Cadillac every night of the week, call and have exotic fruit delivered with extra cherries on top, and is the top judge for the Tuesday night wet T-Shirt contests. And that, my man, is how with it Lin Wood is.
I'll give you another example. When the Good Year Blimp went missing, he used his extra shiny magnetic medallion to dredge it up from where it had crashed into the Hudson River. When mudslides threatened the west coast, Lin's stylistic platform boots helped rescue an entire community of folks who were trippin' out. And George is no exception, because he too, is with it. A superstar back home, he had villagers from the jungles keep good vibes flowing with their fireside rituals by installing a giant mirror ball from the tallest tree. This kept gorillas from rampaging, and insects from getting out of hand. Of course for a while, any aircraft flying over would mistake it for an S.O.S. signal and had the national guard of neighboring countries go check up on them. That wasn't really with it, but it was their fault for being so not with it.
==Good Times and Bummer Times==
It was bad in the 1970s. Super bad. The times were rockin'. Dance fever was at its peak. There was nothing but blue skies and everyone was riding the wave. It was so groovy and happening. High fives were passed around like the free psychedelic love and trippy flowers for everyone. It was a party all the time. But there came a time when things weren't so bad anymore. Lin had experienced some setbacks. One of the bummers that he dealt with was when he helped Michael Flynn in a heist to retrieve the sacred disco ball of neon colors. Of course, Flynn was convinced that the object belonged at Leprechaun Castle instead of Dracula's Castle. Lin agreed and told Flynn that he must defeat the bloodsucker to restore his family's name. Lin, at this time, knew very little about Flynn and found his backstory weird. Especially the usual rap that he and his family would often repeat as proverbial truths and advice. Advice like I'm having breakfast in bed so mind your own damned business! and Do not send the hobbits to town to pick up a food order!
Still, the task at hand was to smack down the Dracula dude and put a stake in his face. It was a drag. There was just no getting around that. It had to be done. And it had to be done in style, of course. So Flynn gathered all the hustlers and background singers and started to jam. It was totally rad. It sounded super with all the razzle dazzle and swingin' vibes. Bloodsuckers like Dracula had no clue. By the time Lin showed up with the wooden stake, and new dance moves, it would be too late for the dark dude that never drinks wine. Just the stuff from people's veins. The disco crowd coined a phrase about the undead freak. He never drinks wine, he drinks from the First Aid vine. It wasn't long before that was slaughtered and everyone started calling the First Aid drink as Kool Aid. But there was no court in the land that could match the dance moves of Lin, and there was no way they could get any rap on him cuz the vamp dude was already dead. And Lin also knew tap. They had no rap and no shoes for tap and that left the audience to acquit the vampire slayers who were dressed to kill. Still it was a bummer because a lot of dancing was put on hold when everyone was freaking out over a vampire draining the boogie from the scene. And the sacred disco ball got broken. It was a real bummer, man.
==Groovin' with Q==
Things were getting hot. The summer heat blazed on like a blast furnace when Lin was challenged to a dance contest to defend his title as Disco King. Q was not about to sit this one out, and so Kribs was hit up about the big scene. It was in the stars that this event would be sly because disco royalty were all into the signs and keeping them a mystery. It was like a game to ask or guess what each other's signs were. One guy who didn't know his birthday claimed his sign was a bird in the shape of a W. Or sometimes a G. And when he was chillin' it was in the shape of an A.
Dancing is an art, as they say. It has been that way since the dawn of time and when the beat was handed down. And disco was no different, and all that jazz. Everyone was all for the reading of the sun signs, and it made for better relationships. Q was good at guessing signs. Q was cool with trippin' the folks up by flashing a set of scales when the fish were up. They bit hook, line, and sinker and nobody seemed to care. They were too slack. Too laid back to let that pack attack. It was like what's up, Mac? And that's how it was done.
Lin was on, and Q kept it going. They managed to build up quite a following by knowing what one's sign was and how they would groove to it. New Age gurus got wind. Check it, they went nuclear when they saw that Lin and Q were stealing their thunder. But the sign of Thor came crashing down on their little party and tore the gurus a new one for stealing his thunder and his tunic threads. Q laughed. Lin laughed and put on his diamond studded platform boots. It was a happenin' scene. Everyone got into it.
When everyone wanted to know what Q's sign was, Lin dropped hints. Q let it ride. Everyone guessed Lin's sign. They knew he was even, that he was heavy. He had the right weight. He was buffed up and goin' out. But the mystery of the Q sign went on. Some said it was obvious that the sign of Q was the Riddle in and of itself. A question. Others said it was the sun sign so out there that it was a Quasar. And some believed Q to be a Sagittarius.
Aside from all this, there was the business of a dance contest, and this was where it would get wild. The Disco King's title was up for grabs, and grabbing is what the people were there for. Making the scene. Causing a scene. Lin danced like a pro, Kribs danced even more fierce. Then other would-be disco kings showed up in their open shirts, tight pants and bling. The contest was being judged by the guy whose sign was a W.
Q of course guessed all their signs. Some of them wore symbols of their signs on their gold chains. Some had them embossed on their shades. Q had the lowdown on all the downers although they tried to play it cool and claim that their sign was never hip to it. Libra Lin hit the charts. Riding another wave of success. It had the right beat. Funky and savvy. That was the vibe of Lin. Q's vibe was more of an enigma. It was more widely known to be a Greek thing. And everyone said that it was all Greek to them. Q wanted the title of Disco King but it wasn't translating well. Lin was sure of another victory, but W never called the winner. He was too stoned.
==Saturday Night Mayhem==
On a Saturday night, the original line-up of would-be disco kings and their dancing partners were still on the move to the title of Disco King, and they all wanted a rematch. W was called in again, and in case he stepped out, there was a backup that would step in. When W met the backup, he asked him if he was on. The backup was tripping already and had no clue and the feedback wasn't righteous. So W and the backup brought in a cat who knew how to bring in the gravy and get things kicked off. With me so far?
When Q, Flynn, and Lin made the scene, they stepped out all decked out in platforms and cogs. Going to the dance floor with an attitude to get the joint jumping. The Q peeps were takin' in the vibe and casing the joint for anything jelly. Kribs flashed his brightest gold chain and blinded the pops. The chicks were digging him when he jived with mezz. He knew his stuff. They checked him out. He was on and swingin'. At about this time Lin came in and began a mash-up of all the funk he knew. He nailed the moves, and his body language was smooth. It was mitt-pounding excitement. The crowd went wild and Q lit up like neon.
But check it, the backup was still melted out and wanted to groove. Figuring dough was flying, and getting the wrong riff, he put a stamp of approval on a weird movin' creature of the night. It was a combo of alien and animal. W sent that to the back and they signed the weirdo on as "Waiting Bush" since "Singing Bush" was already taken by the Amigos. Who were there, too.
Lin was tearing up the dance floor when the weird creature hopped up and ripped the waiter's face off. There was panic at the disco. It was quite a scene. Lin saw that the thing popped up and was hopped up on some really bad acid. The battle ax was intent on killing the party. Lin laid it on thick with foot action so fast, he got everyone groovin' on again. The pounders showed up, and then the snatchers rolled up. They were taking witness accounts of what happened. It was killer. But that didn't stop a thing. The folks blew their wigs.
W got hip to it, and announced that Lin Wood is the main cat. He was dynamite. Kribs tried to do a smack down, but the weird creature got wired up. Kribs made the creature salty. On a dime, both Kribs and Lin found themselves fighting that thing and getting tossed to swing around, missing the beat. This wasn't hip, it was too much. Lin accused the pounders of letting the freak of nature get off without a warning so Lin stomped the sap sharp. Everyone got jacked up and joined in. The disco ball fell and broke. Lin held the creature with a polyester drape.
Q capped the event and totaled the tally. Lin was tops, but it was a tie. Kribs was running over, and he blew the top off. Lin and Kribs were now known as the top disco kings of the neon green. Lin offered a hard spiel but W had to take five. He had no other choice, after witnessing what went down, than to get stoned again.
==See also==
*Chicken Duck Woman Thing
*Zodiak
*Break dancing
Category:1990s