Donkey Kong Country Lost Episode: Bluster's a Mafia Boss

Have you ever loved something everyone else despises? That is called a guilty pleasure. Mine is the Computer Generated cartoon adaption of the Donkey Kong Country series. People out there still slam this cartoon into the ground mainly due to it's weird, dated animation, but it has to be expected. It was one of the earliest CGI shows, let alone Mo-capped ones. In fact, TV CGI has never been that good looking compared to film CGI even as time went on. 
With that beside, I was longing to see an episode again to see if all the detractors are justified. I had one of those ottomans that had storage space and I used it to hold all of my DVDs. Scavenging for Donkey Kong ones I found the DVD known as, "HE CAME, HE SAW, HE KONG-QUERED" complete with Donkey Kong's ridicolus smile that was on almost every DK DVD (not the expand dong one). I remembered that it had, "Barrel, Barrel, Who's Got the Barrel?" on it. It was my favorite episode. Upon putting in the DVD and getting to the episode menu, a fucking static shock I got from sitting on my couch caused me to jump and drop my remote. My dog also jumped in suprise and stepped onto the remote. The highlighter on screen flew way up before suddenly going off the button to put on the episode, "Bad Hair Day". Now the highlighter was highlighting nothing. He then stepped onto that circle button that all the directional buttons are around. Now this episode that seemingly dosen't exist was playing.
The intro began. Instead of the standard African chant of the old theme, it was avant garde! Almost as if Pink Floyd was warped. All of the characters were doing strange dances in the scenes. They were all newly recorded. After that intro, it showed an establishing shot of Bluster's Barrelworks, with the title, "Bluster's a Mafia Boss". Hold the phone! Mafia? How could they even fucking mention money driven families who will even gun down people for monetary gain? This should be fun.
Bluster Kong was seen setting up a stand, he pulled out a megaphone and began yelling, "EVERYONE, BLUSTER'S LOANS ARE NOW OPEN, GET SOME MONEY, BUT REMEMBER TO REPAY ME!" Donkey Kong walks in and tries to take out a loan, but he sounds like The King from the shitty Zelda CD-I Games, as he said, "Hey Bluster, may I please have six billion banana coins?" "WHAT THE FUCK?" Bluster hollered. "THAT IS ALL THE FUCKING MONEY I HAVE!!!"
Wow, this episode is really whack.
"Fine, you better have good shit you need to buy, if this is going to bananas I will shorten the money deadine by 2 weeks!" Bluster remarked. Donkey Kong was given the money and went to his house. Diddy Kong was on his tire swing, which was connected to a fucking optic nerve rather than a rope. Diddy Kong asked, "Well hey DK whatcha doin with that booty?" DK said, "Diddy, I am going to buy bananas from Indonesia." He pulled a laptop from hammerspace and bought two thousand bananas. I am really bad at proportional problems but I guess that one banana would really cost lots.
It then cut to a time card that said, "5 months later" and then showed Bluster Kong scowling at the camera. "That motherfucking low-life hasn't paid me in 5 months!" Bluster Kong hollered. "I shall take manners in my own hands, per say."
Bluster Kong opened up a special steel barrel within his factory, and pulled out a tommy gun. He then went to Donkey Kong's treehouse. "Yoohoo, I got some buisness for you, DK" Bluster said. Donkey Kong came in and promptly said, "What is it Bluster?" to which Bluster Kong just shot his gun at DK. "I CAN KILL YOU WITH ONLY MY SHEER BRAINPOWER!" Bluster shrieked! He shot the button on DK's elevator and got inside the treehouse. "Watch'a gonna do, call your dearest mumsie over?" Donkey Kong said like a jerkass. Bluster pulled out the Heavy's gun from Team Fortress 2 and began loading it with the newly bought bananas! He then began shooting them down DK's gullet, all two thousand.
Donkey Kong asked, "what the fuck will that do? I eat bananas all the time!" To which Bluster said, "Yes, but bananas have potassium, and to much potassium is deady on radioactive levels". DK's eyes bulged out at this revelation and he screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" like an angsty character griveing. Donkey Kong fell over as Sephiroth's theme from Final Fantasy began playing. Diddy Kong then screamed, "What the fuck!" but this only made him Bluster's next target. Bluster shot Diddy with his tommy gun in the stomach.
Bluster then said, "Fuck, shit, fuck, shit! Somebody will report me to the police if they discover this crime scene!" and after this monologue, he declared, "I must kill EVERYONE! NO WITNESSES!"
Bluster then jumped into a nearby barrel which shot him into Cranky's cabin. Cranky could barely see and had hair on his palms, clearly the implications are that he indulges in self abuse. I might also add that his hair on his palms was much more detailed and high definition than anything else. It looked more like it was from a Wii U game like Pikmin 3 rather than a late 90s to early 2000s CGI cartoon. Bluster Kong faked the voice of an elderly woman to pretend to be Wrinkly Kong, who never appeared in the cartoon.
"Crankypoo!" he said, "A new Chewy Chews stand has opened up nearby, I know you're blind, but if you follow my voice we can get there!" Chewy Chews were Cranky's favorite food, so he yells, "CHEWY CHEWS! I LOVE CHEWY CHEWS!" Cranky ran out, and instantly sped across the bridge connected to his cabin. Cranky's Cabin has a security system that is hooked to these button like barrels called Trigger Barrels, which open up the bridge or fling what's on it off. Bluster Kong pressed a Trigger Barrel and it flung Cranky Kong into a tree, his frail body went splat as if he were a fly upon meeting a windshield.
It then cut to Funky's house, hanging on a cliff overlooking the beach. Funky Kong was watching softcore porn or some shit when he began twitching, he then yelled in his Caribbean accent, "SHIT, I NEED TO GO TO JAMACIA TO SMUGGLE MORE WEED!" Okay then, I can believe that, Funky was Funky after all. Bluster then popped up in the sand holding a C4. He then said, "Plane Bombing!" THE FUCK? This couldn't air now due to planes and bombs. You get what I'm saying?
Bluster hooked the C4 to Funky's plane and hid under a toppled mine cart. When Funky took off, he noticed a beeping noise as he flew. "What in Funky Town? Am I just going insane or is there a rampant and annoying beeping noise?" Bluster left the mine cart and called out for Funky, and Funky looked back. He discovered that Bluster was holding a detenator in his right hand. "What the fuck! Are you trying to kill me like an Italian mob boss? Where are we? Detroit? Youngstown? Chicago?" Bluster Kong just detonated the C4 and a graphic explosion engulfed Funky's plane, sending burnt body parts and plane wreckage everywhere.
Bluster Kong was then flying his Barrel Copter to Kaptain Skurvy's ship in the open ocean. He pulled out another C4 and said, "Galleon Bombing!" and so he flew to the front of the ship and planted the C4 on the bowspirt. Kutlass, one of Skurvy's shipmates, saw Bluster, and told Green Kroc to alert Skurvy about the bombing, but literally right after Kutlass was done speaking the C4 activated and Skurvy was blasted into the fucking air, and he got eaten by a shark when he fell into the water. "NOOOO, MY SHIP!" Skurvy yelled right before his death, as he was watching his ship flood and sink into the blue.
This was followed by more character deaths, Eddie the Mean Old Yeti, Candy Kong, Dixie Kong, Baby Kong, Kong Fu. It wasn't that notable until it got to the show's main antagonist, King K. Rool. Klump was rushing into the cave that served as the Kremling base and said, "King K. Rool, sir!" "What the fuck do you want, you asinine axolotl?" K. Rool replied in his posh accent. Klump reported, "Donkey, Diddy and Cranky Kong have all been murdered! We can finally seize that Crystal Coconut, soldier!" King K. Rool was pleasantly suprised. "Perfect, I can now be the GRAND POOBAH of the island!" He gloated before laughing and dancing for literally 25 minutes!
Suddenly Sephiroth's theme stopped playing once Bluster Kong flew through the ceiling. Four shadows fell down with him, and they were revealed to be Indian prime minister Narendra Modi, former US presidents Donald Trump and Barack Obama, and current at the time US president Joe Biden, but as they appear in the Indian satire series So Sorry! Unravel began playing as a climatic battle between the entire Kremling forces and this newfound mafia family unfolded. When the song became absolutely intense and climatic and shit Bluster Kong became Leo Luster and vaporized Klump, Krusha, K. Rool, and all the Kritters single handedly.
After this battle, the music faded out as Bluster Kong turned back to normal. The mafia celebrated before Bluster Kong announced, "There is only one last soul on the island, Inka Dinka Doo." and guess what happened next. Bluster Kong threw a grenade at Inka Dinka Doo and he was reduced to rubble. Suddenly, due to the fact that Inka Dinka Doo is a god, the temple began caving in as purple energy and shit shot out of everywhere! The island of Kongo Bongo was shown collapsing from a bird's eye view whilst erupting purple energy!
The whole thing went to static as what appeared to be after-images flashed on the screen. Then King Dedede as he appears in Kirby, Right Back at Ya! appeared on the screen! He began singing a commercial jingle in his southern drawl!
Eatin food is really yummy!
But you still owe Bluster some money!
Don't hide away! 
We'll kill you much slower for every passing day!
It then played the credits to the 1972 film The Godfather, which was also about a mafia. By the end I was flabbergasted. You couldn't make this shit up. I figured that I could make big bucks via selling this, but then, as I took the disc out, black gorilla fur and blue contour feathers began spewing out of the DVD player. Then Bluster Kong and King Dedede broke into the house! They both took out guns and began shooting at me, I had to sprint down my hallways as the four politicans burst through the roof to kill me! I had to hide in my room, and all I had to defend myself was a single empty USB stick. When they came in, I threw it at them.
Oh praise the lord!
The USB shot red energy that absorbed all the characters into it like a Pokeball! That's when I remembered they were all animated assets. Now I was left with a tricky choice on what to do. If I destroyed the USB stick, they might escape and raise hell, if I plugged it into my computer, they might trash my files. I decided to just put it in an absurdly large burlap sack and sent it on it's way in a nearby river.
Upon rewatching the episode, Bluster Kong, Dedede, and the politicans were completely absent. I don't think this could be that profitable now, but either way...
The deed is done.
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