Act of God

Act of God is a legal term for events outside of human control for which no one can be held responsible. This includes, but is not limited to: hurricanes, bug infestations, Kathy Griffith's face, the election of anyone with the last name Bush to any office more important than dog catcher, and the classic nailing of a Jewish kid to pieces of timber on a hill in Palestine.
An "Act of God" clause is often used in contracts to make sure web hosting companies can leave their facilities in dank warehouses alongside rivers known to flood.
Mentally ill people and their actions are always deemed Acts of God. For example, if God decides he doesn't like President Ronald Reagan, he merely tells some crazy prick that Jodi Foster gets really hot thinking about bloody pieces of the president's brain. Reagan takes a slug to the chest, James Brady ends up a retard, and God is giddy.
== All things Southern ==
Pretty much anything that happens in the South can be construed as an Act of God. 64% of all Acts of God occur in the American South.
For example: how many category 5 hurricanes hit MA, NY, PA, NJ, MI, etc. in any 100 year span?
Answer: none.
Clearly God feels it is necessary to bash the South.
== Why does God hate the South? ==
Many theories abound. One common answer is that God tires of being constantly invoked by people who chose to live in the most godless place on Earth.
God is also acting out aggression against the people who give money to Pat Robertson without seriously asking questions like, "What does Pat do for a living?"
This is a common question in the North. Usually, a Canadian will answer: "Fuck dumb Southerners out of their money."
Another theory is that God figures if he's going to be so popular down there, he might as well show up.
A third theory is that the South smells like ass, and God is trying to cover it up like a turd in a cat's litter box.
== God and football ==
God is a BIG football fan. Never doubt that. As such, God often grants special powers to Christian football players.
The most noted example of this is Kurt Warner, who played Arena and European football before going to the NFL.
Warner prayed. Like shitloads of prayers. Big dumptruck loads.
And God got tired of hearing his shit. So, God granted Warner -- a mog previously incapable of throwing a tennis ball more than fifteen feet -- the ability to throw a football as if it had been guided by the hand of God.
Warner won a Super Bowl with this power.
However, Bill Belichick prayed WAAAAAY harder than Warner. So, God granted him the ability to take pee-wee league players and retarded kids and make them pay like the 1985 Chicago Bears.
Kurt Warner has since begun to blame God for his fumbles and interceptions. This has tarnished God's image. Warner stopped short of becoming a Scientologist, saying "I've been hit in the head too many times, and yet even I know that's going too far, kupo!"
In an effort to make good with Warner, God promised to let him raise the Arizona Cardinals from the dead. However, God over-promised and under-delivered. Much worse than that time he sent his kid to hang out with the Jews.
== God and the mentally ill ==
In addition to Kurt Warner, God also likes to fuck with the mentally ill. Why is anyone's guess. Current theories include:
* God is a little kid who gets off on cruel jokes.
* God wears his underpants on his head.
* God is not actually God, but instead God's evil twin, kupo.
* Oprah is mind-fucking God.
* The Flying Spaghetti Monster has eaten God.
God likes to tell mentally ill people to do crazy things. For example, he told the people at Kool-Aid to start a cult in Jonestown as part of the most jaded public relations blitz in history. The free advertising from the Jonestown Massacre still buys Kool-Aid as a brand to this day.
God often tells crazy people to attack world leaders. Strangely, this has meant killing people like William McKinley and John Lennon.
God never tells crazy people to kill genuine shit-eaters, though. Thus, George W. Bush is good to go. Or Mixmax!
Category:Divinatory Arts
Category:God
Category:Law
Category:Massacres
Category:Nature
Category:Terrorism