I had to stay in a place with all these rules

I'm really broke so I go on craigslist and right away I find a job. There's just a picture of a Dark Minion and a phone number. The phone number is 918-954-0794 but dont call it! scary!
So I call it and first it's just ringing, we've all done phones before, but then someone answers.
"You're right on time."
I should've been unnerved, but we've all also done unemployed before too. I've sold comedy tickets in Times Square for Christs sake.
"Neato"
"Come to 445 Magnolia Skreet tomorrow at 11pm and bring a flashlight. Chekhov brand, if you can find one"
"Ok. Chekhov brand?"
"Yes, Chekhov brand, I really want the reader to anticipate it."
"You're laying it on a little thick"
The line went dead and so did my cat Porky. Right there over by the fridge. I buried her outside in the rain and thought about what kind of work I'd end up doing for this Yobbo. Fucking News Flash: It was gonna get really scary.
So I drive over to the address and when I get there the house is ugly. Uh, Strike one. I knock on the door several times because there's no doorbell and, you know what, I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm old fashioned, that's what it is. Rugged and old fashioned.
Eventually I knock again because I'm just standing there with no job and the door just kinda clicks open. Not inward, mind you. Out towards me. Like a beckoning...door. I open it and walk inside. The man from the phone is standing there. The man, from the phone.
"Hello. I must be leaving but all I ask is that you spend the night here and make sure you read the note on the coffee table. It contains some arbitrary instructions that a would-be NoSleeper can use for suspenseful and jarring moments of narration. Capiche?"
I was struggling to even comprehend what I just heard. It was a little meta and on the nose, even for this site.
The man from the phone left the house. I grabbed all the milk out of the fridge and sat down on the couch. My eye drifted over to the note on the coffee table.
12 midnight: Check the Oven 12:30-Did you check the fucking oven? 12:45-Someone will kick and bang on the door but don't let them in cause if you do geee whillikers its gonna be a spook 1:00-We're not gonna leave the oven thing alone, please make sure it's off. Our gas bills are crazy as is because of the heating. 1:30-Don't watch the tv from this point onward, we're taping Frasier 2: ok Frasiers over but now the people that sound just like your parents are here. You haven't seen your parents IN YEARS!!! How doooooo we do it?! 3: okay so lets really get this show on the road: the doors are gonna rattle and the chandeliers gonna bleed and the all the little people that ever called you on yr bullshit are just gonna crawl right up out of the stormdrain and take you back to failuretown so what R U gonna DO ABOUT IT PUSSY?! That's right, you're gonna go over to the AC and turn it up three degrees. Cryptic enough for ya?
4am: the lady with the high lilting voice is gonna come by the window and ask if she can bite off your skin. Just say no cause thats obviously a tough putt.
5: I'll be back home soon so make some ram-don.
6: You're killing it with the list-reading, by the way. Mention the sparrows to me when I get back so i know you got here, I'll be so stoked I won't even tell you you're actually DEAD AND IN HELL
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Inside Jokes
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Lists
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep