I'm Never Sunbathing Again

Not gonna lie, it's been kind of nice being on furlough. I've had a lot of time to learn new skills, do stuff around the house, clean up my room, and all that. But I've done none of that. Instead, I have been spending my time online and going on walks--spending most of the day outside.
Now, anyone who knows me knows I'm deathly pale and can't tan for the life of me, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try, at least. After I walk what feels to be maybe half a mile (I have no way of knowing, I just do a bunch of serpentines and circles around my neighborhood) I either find a shady spot by the river to sit and maybe see some water creatures, or I go to this sunny grassy area and chill there, getting the D. The Vitamin D, of course.
I'd been doing this routine of reddit-tumblr-eat-walk-sunbathe for three weeks until The Event happened. I don't bring any towels or anything, I just sit or lay on the grass. And of course every insect within a 2 mile radius decides now's the time to swarm the poor innocent girl trying to stop looking like a corpse. So part of my "routine" entails constantly slapping and swiping at myself to get the creepy crawlies off (mostly ants).
I was lying there when I felt something a lot bigger than an ant (or maybe it was a really big ant) wriggling its way up my shorts. Before I could do anything, it shimmied right up into my business, if you catch my drift. I couldn't scream, I couldn't do anything. I ran home, pounding my feet on the pavement hoping it would make the bug drop out?
I ran to the bathroom and tried pushing it out, laughing bitterly about the fact I was gonna give birth to a bug. And yet... nothing came out. My phobia of anything other than absolutely nothing going Up There prevented me from trying to do a little exploring, even though the bug was already doing that.
Now let's back up for a minute, I want you to know this does not turn out like blowfly girl, so if you're expecting some yeehaw fodder, go look it up instead. But on that same note, yes, it did lay a singular egg inside me. I felt a weird pressure, a tickle, and then this giant slug-like creature (it had legs, like ten of them maybe twelve) slid out, looking really dry and crusty.
The pressure was still there, but my saving grace happened when I had to take a dump (I know, so unrealistic, girls don't poop!) but it wasn't poop (see? Girls don't poop.) it was an egg. A chicken egg-sized egg, copper and black and covered in slime. I just laid a mother fucking egg, guys. And the slug was out of my business, and I felt so normal again! I cheered. I heard my mom call out and ask what was so exciting, but I didn't answer, of course.
I did what any rational new mother would do and I dug my egg out of the toilet. I washed it and my hands and took it to my room, laying it on my bed. I ignored it for several weeks until I heard it cracking in the middle of the night. I switched my phone light on and watched an explosion of shell and goo, and approximately 300 tiny legged sluggy things. And they were all headed to every orifice in my body.
I'm writing this from outside my bedroom door, some of those little bastards are starting to crawl under the door. I'm sorry, I'm such a terrible mother, but I learned my lesson. Use protection while sunbathing, and by protection I don't mean sun block. I mean literally don't sunbathe. Unless you're a guy, but maybe these things can germinate inside a guy's body too. Who knows.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep