This page is not going to get Featured Article

This page is not going to get Featured Article. We will not even try. My lucky numbers? Against, against, against. Why did you even come to this article anyway? We suggest you leave. Now. As the curse will not let you find this article featurable, why even try to write anything at all? Some other insanely article with actual "funny" is going to steal it from this article anyway.This reference is not going to get this article Featured either.
I suppose this is the article with the lowest self-esteem on Uncyclopedia. We at the AGAINST corporation wish -- wish with all our might -- that this article could get featured, but it never will. We SUCK.
== This Heading is not going to get this Article Featured ==
No, it will not get this article Featured to highlight on the Main Page. I am just not a natural comedian. Oh, I will not even try. Editing this page will not get it featured either. No matter what you add, it'll never get featured. You are probably thinking that this article sucks, huh? We tried our best, dammit! Why don't YOU try getting a featured article, HUH???
The AGAINST corporation at first thought that this section MIGHT get this article featured, but there's no hope. We open our blinds every day to stare longingly across the parking lot at the featured articles on the other side of the tracks. We're not sure who you are, but you don't even REMEMBER what it's like not having featured articles, okay??? WE AT THE AGAINST CORPORATION ARE PATHETIC!
== Neither is this Heading going to get this Article Featured ==
No, anyways, to the point. I was in a Chinese Restaurant, finishing up my meal and that fortune cookie that they give to people after they're done eating, and mine said "You are not going to get Featured Article". That was so dramatic. Seriously, how many people are after that prize?
I took the other members of the AGAINST corporation to that same restaurant, and, after a little food poisoning, we all got the same fortune! After a little crying and lying in the fetal position, we decided that the AGAINST corporation isn't good enough for you bastards.
== This article USED to be funny, I swear to GOD! ==
Look, look at the 9th revision! Those were the good ol' days. The popular writers were editing this article like NOBODY'S business, and I think they were about to nominate it! But no, they were fixing up the grammar. God dammit I hate getting my hopes up after seeing a big time writer like Molusoperlandi edit one of my articles, only to find that they fixed the spelling of "article."
We at the AGAINST AGAINST AGAAAAIIINNNSSTTT corporation are all for writing stuff. Maybe we should have chosen a more optimistic name? Something less emo? That'll never ever happen. If we were optimistic, would we have named this article "This page is not going to get Featured Article?" I hate myself. I hate you. I hate everyone.
==This Sentence needing a citation is not going to get this article Featured==
According to Oscar Wilde it really won't.
== This Heading is so not going to get this article Featured ==
Yeah, although this is the greatest one of them all, as it has an image, it is still not going to get it featured. This is soo not. This sentence isn't going to get this article featured. There is no worth in trying. I guess I can try making this Heading bigger, but there's no need to, because it will not get this article Featured. Why did we at the AGAINST corporation even start writing this article anyway?
I, the Executive Vice-President in charge of morale at the AGAINST corporation, wish the world was a happier place, but it isn't. We'll keep churning out articles, hoping that ONE DAY we'll get a featured one, but it's a long shot. ...Speaking of shooting myself, there's something I have to do real quick.
== This See Also Heading is not going to get this article Featured ==
*This link is not going to get this article Featured
*This either
*Or this one
*And most definitely not this
==This Footnote is not going to get this article Featured==
== This External Links Heading is not going to get this article Featured ==
*This External link is not going to get this article Featured
*This links to a funny article, but still, no.
Category:Articles about articles
Category:Pages that look like the things they're about