Night Watchman Wanted

When I saw the ad in the local paper, "Night Watchman needed. $1,000,000 per hour, no experience needed," I was curious. As a student fresh out of college, I needed money, and $1,000,000 per hour could help me afford to live somewhere in America. I applied for the position, and almost immediately, I got a call on my phone. It was from "Super Security Industries Inc." The man on the phone sounded nervous, and I could hear lots of pee coming out of his penis. By the sound of it, I could tell it was fear pee. I just know these things. "Hello," he said, trembling and peeing. "Hi," I replied with dry pants and probably a bigger dick. "Would you like to be a night watchman? It's not spooky, I swear." I have to admit, I was worried that the job was secretly pretty spooky, but hearing him say that through terrified whimpers, and again, pee, really reassured me. "Yeah, sure," I said. Then I was a night watchman.
When I got to the corporation building, it looked spooky. There were lots of Jack-O-Lanterns outside and pictures of spiders on the windows. "What the frick," I said. Then I wasn't concerned anymore, so I went inside. A guy who looked like a night watchman greeted me. "Hi, I'm a night watchman," he said. "Cool," I also said. He seemed scared as he showed me around the building, and gave me a tour of the security room. He did lots of things like scream constantly, and speak in ancient languages to ward off evil spirits, that clued me in to the fact that something was off. I shrugged it off as just my active imagination. Once I imagined having sex with a girl with my creative mind. After concluding his instructions, he ran out to the parking lot, screaming and crying. "What a loser," I said, and then I did a fat dab and memed on the haters to solidify my position as the alpha male.
I was settling into the security room to watch the cameras when I saw a binder on the desk. "What the fricking frick." I said. Usually security desks don't have binders on them, I guess. I opened the binder, and inside was a list of rules. Not just any rules though. They were all spooky. I'll list them here, so you can be spooked too.
Rule 1: Don't look in camera 666. You'll see a creature that looks like Slender Man and Jeff the Killer, but is actually way scarier.
Rule 2: If all the lights shut down, you'll have to go to the basement where there are like, a million ghosts. Use the minigun on the shelf to kill them all.
Rule 3: If you hear her screaming, or laughing, or crying, or see her smiling, or holding a knife and smiling, or rattling chains, just ignore her.
Rule 4: If you see one of the bathroom pipes burst and start spewing all over the place, don't try to eat the contents inside.
Rule 5: Don't trust anyone on the phone.
Rule 6: At 3:33 AM, you'll see a Frankenstein, a mummy, and a werewolf. You have to kill them all with only a silver fork within one minute, or else they will take over the world.
Rule 7: Have fun lol xD!!!
"Whoa," I said. Those were some spooky rules. Was this some sort of joke? Probably. I LOLed at the dank prank. Then, I went back to looking at the security cameras. I wasn't going to let any spooky rules stop me from doing my job. Suddenly, I noticed something on one of the cameras. It was camera 666. "Goodness golly!" I exclaimed. 666 was coincidentally the number of Satan or something. Even more importantly, I saw a creature that looked like Slender Man and Jeff the Killer, but like way scarier. "OMG WTF LARP!" I shrieked. I was so spooked. The creature lifted up a knife that had blood on it. I threw up like fifty times. Then I stopped throwing up to think about things logically. Maybe it was just a smudge on the camera. Maybe I was just letting my imagination get to me. But then I remembered the list of rules I literally just read, and it was too real to be a coincidence. That was a real spooky thing. A real, completely original spooky thing. I threw up some more.
Just then, all the lights shut down. I was too scared to dab on the haters, and I wondered if the haters were dabbing on me. That was a terrifying thought and I peed from my big cock. When I finished, I got my flashlight, and found the binder full of rules. I read rule 2 once again, which I'll repeat for your benefit.
Rule 2: If all the lights shut down, you'll have to go to the basement where there are like, a million ghosts. Use the minigun on the shelf to kill them all.
I bet that was really cool to read again. I got up from my chair, and headed to the basement. There were lots of plastic spiders and cotton webs on the walls. On the basement door, there was even a cartoon cutout of a goblin and a witch. This was getting serious now, but I was wearing a Tap Out t-shirt and a backwards cap, so I believed in myself, and I knew I was even more special than Elsa and all of the Avengers combined. I opened the door, and headed down the creaky wooden steps. I heard a voice calling out to me by name. It was certainly spooky, but I remembered to use my natural defenses to my advantage. I sprayed a thick mist of butthole ink down the stairwell, and that kept the spooky voice at bay. On a shelf to my right, I saw something shiny. Like in a video game, when there's an item you need to pick up. That's actually how it worked in this story, which is real life, and the item turned out to be a minigun. I added the minigun to my inventory, and then equipped it. Just in time too, because I saw a ton of ghosts. I screamed, "eat minigun bullets you ghastly ghouls!" and then I shot ghosts with a minigun. I observed the phantasmal carnage when it was all over, and knew that I truly deserved to wear my Yeezys.
I turned the power on, but before I reached the security room again, I saw a girl standing in the hallway. She looked like the girl from The Ring, but I assure you, it was even spookier. "H-hello," I stammered to the obvious ghost. The girl just laughed, cried, or screamed, depending on which one is creepier. I looked back at my binder full of rules, and again, for your benefit, I'll tell you what rule 3 said, because you probably forgot.
Rule 3: If you hear her screaming or laughing, or crying, or see her smiling, or holding a knife and smiling, or rattling chains, just ignore her.
"Holy moly," I said. That must have been who the writer meant by "her." It was super cool that they just described her as "her" rather than "spooky ghost girl." Being vague with pronouns is a well-known method of being creepy and crawly. The last part of the rule said to ignore her, but I get into political arguments on video game subreddits, so I knew better. I walked closer to the spooky ghost girl, still under the impression that she wasn't a spooky ghost girl. I reached my hand out to gently touch her shoulder, and since she was a girl, it was kind of hot. Just then, she turned around and she was a spooky ghost! "Unbelievable!" I shouted. Then she smiled, revealing a bunch of sharp teeth, and she had no eyes, and she also had no nose, unless that makes her look silly. I ran away from the ghost, and she chased me all the way to the security room. I knew she was a real ghost, and it wasn't fake, because she was rattling chains and going "OOOOOooooooOOOOooooooo." Ghost confirmed. #realdeal.
I couldn't believe how many spooky things I had seen. Could a corporation industry really lie to me like that? Could they really tell me it was all just a normal night watchman job that paid $1,000,000 per hour, when it was actually a spooky ghost job? Unbelievable. But I believed it. America is a nation of lies. Lies and deceit is all you'll get under a blanket of money and capitalism. I went back to watching the security cameras.
Suddenly, the phone rang. I'm well-known for being a cool guy who doesn't learn from experience, and not a loser virgin, so I picked it up. On the other end, I heard my mom. But she was dead. "Mom, you're dead," I said. "No, you," she replied. Oh no! I was so spooked. She laughed like a demon and hung up the phone. I looked at my binder again, because I don't retain any information from memory. Because I assume that's also the case for you, here's rule 5 again.
Rule 5: Don't trust anyone on the phone.
I was beginning to think these rules were something I should take seriously. Maybe it wasn't actually my mom, and it was a demon ghost disguised as her. That thought made me pee a lot less, because my mom would never say that I'm dead. I checked the clock, and it was almost 3:00 AM. I was so close to being done with this zany, wacky night shift, and getting the frick out of here.
I spent the next half hour chilling like a dope, lit gangster, but then I remembered something. It was 3:32. There was something important about 3:33. I shrugged it off though, because I was listening to fresh beats on my AirPods. Just then, a Frankenstein, a mummy, and a werewolf burst in through the door. I was so shocked, spooked, and seduced, that I quickly looked through my binder. Did you remember rule 6? Probably not. Here, I'll write it again for you.
Rule 6: At 3:33 AM, you'll see a Frankenstein, a mummy, and a werewolf. You have to kill them all with only a silver fork within one minute, or else they will take over the world.
A silver fork? Where could I find a silver fork? How could I defeat a Frankenstein, a mummy, and a werewolf within one minute? How could I be the hero the world needed? Luckily, I did all that, and everything was good.
My shift ended, and it was such a relief. There were too many ghosts, too many spooks, and the stuff that came out of the bathroom pipes tasted awful. I had enough. Not even a million dollars would get me back there, so I quit my job as a night watchman, to pursue my dreams as a SoundCloud rapper. I hope this can be a warning to whoever reads this. If you ever work as a night watchman, and you get a strange set of spooky rules, get out.
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