AGH!

So it started out like any other Friday night, my 25 year old son had his friends over and we were all comparing penises. Also it's happening right now. It was kinda cold so I didn't live up to my full potential but maybe next week.
Midway through all this and I heard a noise. It was just the tv. But then I heard another noise, the only way I can describe it is like if you taze the neighbours cat and drop it into a room full of dogs, which I don't recommend doing because it starts to smell after a while.
So I went outside of the cabin. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that earlier but we rented a cabin in the woods for the weeknd but he never showed up so we're here now. Oh, I also forgot to mention that Dkembe had the biggest schlong. So anyway, I went outside of the cabin and- oh wait no, first I put my dick away, then I went outside. I checked to see if it was the hooker that I'd buried that was making the noise. Also I buried a live hooker earlier (But not in front of the folks, that'd be fucked up.) It wasn't the hooker. I looked around for any signs of movement from whatever was making the noise, and that's when I saw it.
It was 4'5" and angry. Its eyes as red as the insides of the hooker's nose, its voice, like a mix of the Doobie Brothers and a banshee, its legs, shorter and stubbier than my first wife's. Yes, what I saw was my ... my ... MY THIRD WIFE.
I ran inside as quickly as I could, but my wheelchair wouldn't budge, oh yeah I forgot to mention I'm in a wheelchair. Anyway, my wheelchair was stuck in the snow, my ex-wife approaching closer and closer. I saw a glimmer of light from her hand, she had a knife, the kind that has a torch on it.
I kept trying to move but I couldn't, and that's when Dkembe saved the day! He tied his penis into a lasso and flung it out the door, it caught me and he dragged me in. I locked the door and told the folks to all hide, and they did just that each hiding in different closets of the cabin. And I did the same.
That leads us up to where I am now, hiding in a closet upstairs in the cabin. I will keep you updated on what happens as it happens.
UPDATE 13 November 3015 23:45:30 - Still hiding, found a rat, crushed it in my hands, kinda cool.
UPDATE 13 November 3015 23:46:12 - Still hiding
UPDATE 13 November 3015 23:46:13 - Still hiding
UPDATE 13 November 3015 23:46:17 - Still hiding
UPDATE November 13 2015 23:46:52 - Just heard my ex-wife calling out "where are you?" Then heard Dkembe say "in here!" Then she stabbed him repeatedly! Eh oh el, what an idiot, amirite?!
UPDATE November 13 2015 23:54:23 - Still hiding. I had to pee just before so I peed in my hands to reduce noise.
UPDATE November 13 2015 23:56:34 - I can hear footsteps coming up the stairs. Now they're going back down. Up again. I think she's dancing on the stairs and/or on Dkembe's supple body.
UPDATE November 14 2015 00:00:01 - Happy New Year!! El oh el.
UPDATE November 14 2015 00:03:64 - What's that song that goes like "doo doo dah doo dah doo dah doo doo".
UPDATE November 14 2015 01:37:45 - Sorry I was gone, I snuck downstairs for a bag of chips. Crunching quietly.
UPDATE November 14 2015 01:45:42 - Just remembered what the song was, not telling you because you didn't try to help.
UPDATE November 14 2015 01:56:17 - Uh oh spadoodios, she's opening the closet I'm in! I don't wanna come out!
UPDATE November 14 2015 01:56:19 - She saw me! She's about to stab me!
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:11 - HELP! SHE'S STABBING ME!
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:12 - Still stabbing.
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:14 - sTilll stavbinh
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:15 - syilk stabnimf
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:16 - Still stabbing, sorry there was blood on my screen, I'm on mobile, it's hard to type like that. More updates to come guys.
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:19 - Still stabbing.
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:20 - AHAHAHAHA REMEMBER HOW STUPID DKEMBE WAS? "in here" AHAHAHAHA WHAT AN IDIOT, great bod for a youngster though, tight.
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:22 - She's switched to slicing now, the stabbing was becoming cliche. It's like, I knew it was coming.
UPDATE November 14 2015 02:03:30 - Ok guys, I'm about to sign out now, I'm almost dead so follow me on insta and twitter at @46andstillacooldad and at @realpaulyd. Just to reiterate, I'm about to d-
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Jornel
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep