The Garfield Lost Episode

I always liked Garfield. The fat orange cat who loved lasagna could put a smile in my heart and a special something in my you-know-what. WHen I was just a boy, I'd read the comic panels and laugh at the hilarious jokes involving coffee and garfield's love of lasagna. What a funny comic strip. What a lot of people don't know is that Jon Davis is a neo nazi who is part of the group that plans to overrun the American economy and blow up washington in 2014. I got my hands on the tape by emailing Jim Davis. The email went something like this
Jim Davis never responded. Then, one day in the 90's I found a newspaper cut out on my table that had been left there because it was mixed in with my tax envelopes. It said "Garfield eats all the lasagna." It was a picture of garfield eating lasagna in the first, second, third and fourth frames before exploding with highly realistic gore the likes I've never seen on a children's comic strip in the 90's. The cat blood, bones and intestinal organs were highly offensive. The final frame had a question mark, with a caption below "What happens to garfield after this?Send your drawings to (Address redacted) for a chance to win one million dollars!
Well, I myself make $60 dollars a year by clicking porn link bucks sites 18 hours a day. I had no intention on missing out on a million dollars. But, not being an artist, I didn't know what to draw. Funnily enough, I got a tape in the mail a few weeks later. A VHS tape, to be exact. It was a garfield VHS, one that was unlike  any other, titled "Jim Davis Has Sex With His Garfield Plushie" with a high resolution graphic of a cat anus on the cover.
I was confused and disturbed. I put the tape into my VHS player, conveniently kept highly clean by my maid Carlosa. This lost episode didn't start as normal. The intro song "We're ready to party we're ready" Was changed to "We're ready to party I'll kill you" And instead of garfield saying "I hope you brang lots of spaghetti" he said "I'm going to strangle you with spaghetti" and instead of Garfield there was a skeleton covered in bats, evil spiders and lasagna which resembled blood and organs while Odie (The yellow dog) spun three hundred and sixty degrees with a weird man smiling in the corner with picture in picture. Also, the man was a zombie and he had a haircut that made him look like Stalin. The words "I hate Mondays" appeared onscreen with what looked like a picture of a man in an office run around with a pen stabbing people to death. 
I found all of this highly offensive, but then the episode started. "I hate Mondays." Garfield said. The show wasn't like it usually was, and Garfield seemed less enthusiastic than usual. Garfield looked directly into the camera. "While you're sleeping, John, I'm going to carefully pry open your bedroom door with my cat claws, climb onto the foot of your bed and cautiously make my way to your face. Then I'm going to sleep on your face until you suffocate to death you fucking asshole god I hate you so fucking much." John walked out. He seemed disheveled. "Too many thought bubbles." All of a sudden, Garfield's eyes grew wide! "It's time to go to the vet, Garfield." John smiled. "And I've got my stethescope right here, little buddy." He pointed to his penis bulge, which was clearly visible, you could see the three inch dick clinging to the pant leg with a clear outline. Garfield hissed and slashed at John's jugular. 
What's weird is that there was a man sleeping on John's couch that looked quite a bit like me. The weird thing is that I would've been not even born by the time Garfield creator, Jim Davis, went to college. "Let's get tweaked off of some coffee!" John runs in, giving coffee to the cat. You aren't supposed to give coffee to cats because they explode, I read about this in National Geography for kids. The cat gets violent diarhea and falls over, limp. 
"I don't want your fucking coffee." Garfield said, and picked up a knife. "Back the fuck off, Jim Davis." Jim Davis? Wasn't that the creator of Garfield? I was starting to think there was something evil about this tape. 
I started to eat a crepe and began to freeze frame the video. Something was odd. There seemed to be some post production artifacts like when you make a youtube video to repeat the same thing over and over for two hours, god those are hilarious. Someone seemed to have overlayed two human eyes over the cat's eyes, Garfield looked like a cat with human eyes that was severely drugged and about to OD. "Odie?" Garfield said, pointing to Odie. It was just a still image of a dachsund with the words "Suck my cock" written in crayon, with Jim Davis' signature in the corner! All of a sudden, the scene cut to Garfield celebrating Christmas. The whole family was there, Jon, his parents, Odie, even Nermal, that lovable Nermal. What's creepy is that there's a skeleton sitting in a chair in the background. It isn't doing anything, it's just watching them, drinking coffee and smiling. After rewinding the tape a few times and freeze framing, I found the skeleton in earlier frames, making cookies, celebrrating Hannukah. Even doing some taxes with spectacles on. 
What I saw next made me cough up some blood and choke on my crepe. There was something evil about this crepe...that I was eating. 1:33 into the episode, with timecodes, a picture of a skeleton in a tophat and cane dancing like Michigan J. Frog, holding up a sign. What the sign said disturbed me the most. "I'm going to kill you, Steve." My name wasn't Steve. However, my phone number was listed beneath steve's name including the area code and a wink face. 
I became severely concerned that something sinister was going on here. How could my phone number have gotten on this tape? I tried to contact the newspaper that distributes the Garfield comics, but the line remained busy for two hours so I wrote John Davis, creator of Garfield a personal letter. 
I woke up early Sunday morning to the sound of a knock at my door. I looked through the peephole. I just saw some old man standing out there with a Garfield suction cup toy. I hesitantly opened the door. It was Jim Davis, creator of Garfield! He had a clearly visible running tape recorder in his pocket. "So." He smiled. "You say you slept on my couch in the sixties, eh." I was lying about that part in the original email so that he would respond. "Yes." I replied. "Yes, I did." Jim Davis looked a little off. One of his eyes looked like a googly eye. "If your porn name could be any mass of water, what would it be?" Jim Davis smiled. I started to back away into the kitchen. "Mine would be International Waters." What the fuck did that even mean? I was starting to think there was something wrong with Jim Davis, creator of Garfield. "I just want to know how you got my phone number!" I yelled. "Time travel, my boy. Time. Travel." I slipped on some Mellow Yellow I had left spilled on the floor and slammed into the fridge. When I looked back, Jim Davis was just a hovering ball of light. "I am not like your kind. I have evolved into a complex sentient lifeform composed entirely of energy." I started to become scared when I realized it was just Jim Davis pointing a laser pen in my eye and snickering behind a desk where my lamp was. 
If I was a smarter man, I would have called the police. Jim Davis informed me has sex with his catboy bf, Chesterton. All of the Garfield comics, he explained, were about his metrosexual gay relationship with his whiney, bitchy catboy, who he fantasized had a real personality and he cooked lasagna for. He spilled his guts and started to cry and hug me, before slowly stealing my wallet and taking twenty dollars out of my pocket. I tried to stab him with a pen. He threw a garfield figurine at my head, and then vanished mysteriously. 
I put the VHS tape in and started to watch the rest just because I had nothing left to do. Well, Garfield doesn't celebrate Christmas. He celebrates an ancient holiday called Saturnalia before a time portal opens up and a three horned goat comes out and starts baking lasagna. What happened next creeped me the fuck out. There was a knock at the family's door. It was Jim Davis, in drawn form. He walked in, breaking the fourth wall. All the characters, including garfield were replaced with tiny tombstones while just Jon and Jim were in the room together. It was the same dialogue we had! Note for note, I knew he had that tape recorder in his pocket for a reason. Jon's dialogue was clearly my voice forced in with the words "Future vessel" typed over his eyes in boldface font. As the film started to deteriorate, Jon at first had dollar signs in his eyes, then turned a dark, dark rusted gray, before hairs started to furl out of him, and slowly he looked very sad. In the final sixty seconds he was just a skeleton. Random shots of Garfield merchandise were shown while Jim Davis started to narrate. "You know, the comic used to be about something. It used to be about Garfield's love of lasagna, the complex intrapersonal relationship between a grown man and Chesterton. But somewhere along the way, we lost our way. We started to focus on profits, and Garfield became a cheap plastic toy of consumerism rather than the deep metaphor for cat-love sex toy it used to be. BUT I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU! YOU WON THE CONTEST! YOU'VE WON ONE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!" All of a sudden, the scene cut to me (a skeleton) and Jim Davis out on a boat, before Jim Davis throws me overboard into the Atlantic Ocean. Then there was just a shot of Garfield's still head with a swastika painted over it while someone yelled "Heil Hitler" over and over again. There was a phone number at the end, and I called it. They confirmed I had decoded the secret message and won! I never won anything in my life before! I was so excited I almost exploded into pasta. I gave them my credit card number and prepared for the free cruise.
I woke up early Monday morning and opened my door to collect the local newspaper. Someone had left a ton of Monopoly money in the yard. I threw away most of the newspaper, not caring for sports,  current events or politics. No, there was just one section of the newspaper I cared about: the comics section. I opened up the daily funnies and scrolled my eyes over to the one comic that could make heart aflutter with laughter. Good ol' Garfield. What would the comic be about today? Lasagna? Coffee? What I saw next made me spit coffee all over my newspaper. It was the comic from before, three frames of Garfield eating lasagna and exploding, followed by the fourth frame. It was just a picture of a tombstone with my name on it while Jim Davis fucked a Garfield plushie on top of it! The words "Enjoy your Monopoly money, loser" were printed on top. Instead of Jim Davis' signature, there was just a tiny picture of Jim Davis holding my twenty dollars and smiling. I hate Mondays.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Lost Episodes
Category:Hyper-realistic
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Excessive Profanity
Category:Well, that was pointless.
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:YT Readings