Iron Man 2 is actually the first Iron Man movie

Ironically, Iron Man 2 is actually the first Iron Man movie. It is also the final Iron Man movie and the final appearance of Iron Man in any movie or on any backpacks or lunchboxes. This is because all other movies featuring Iron Man would be redundant wastes of time. Because this movie is really good.
The movie starts strong, with a black screen. Then the titular Iron Man says NYEEEET over his dead russian father. He vows to avenge his father's death by killing natural causes. Iron Man has put on some weight since his first appearance which was at the start of this movie 30 seconds ago. The viewer is exposed to the headline "Iron Man stabilises east-west relations" revealing the movie is a surreal comedy. Paramount Pictures were later sued for misleading marketing because if viewers had known this movie was so funny they would have actually seen it.
Iron Man 2, an american, makes a masturbation joke. In another surreal sequence, the crowd laughs. This sends Iron Man 1 into a rage and he accidentally cuts his television in half with a whip. He vows to avenge his television by killing whoever cut his television in half with a whip. Iron Man 2 is shocked to discover that his blood is 28% palladium. Apparently this is bad for his health, because he had thought he was 100% iron, and he now suffers from every single identity disorder. The movie ends with Iron Man 2 accepting his new identity as 28% Palladium Man. ឵឵ Before that, Iron Man 2's father reveals his plan to create Canberra. The crowd is ecstatic and erupts into a violent riot, burning down an effigy of Larry King (played by Stanking). There is a girl there. Iron Man 2 drives to The White House to fire a complaint, but the president says he will only help in exchange for Iron Man 2's shoes. Iron Man 2 says he will never again prostitute himself for a powerful man. The president's lip licking is cut short by a black supporting actor. With his help, Iron Man 2 uses his smartphone to hack into the room's TV screens to play videos of horrific military research accidents, at which the crowd laughs. I did not make up this last part at all. Or any of the other parts.
Iron Man 2 needs a new heart because Iron isn't cutting it any more. His computer says it has tried every other element. His computer apparently hasn't found out about alloys yet. Iron Man 2 doesn't want to break the news to him. Gwyneth Paltrow acts like an actress. Robert Downey Jr blinks while he delivers every line, which symbolises his job, which is acting.
Iron Man 1 purchases a ticket to a car race because he suspects a race car driver cut his television in half with a whip. Scarlett Johansson reveals herself. Her name is Scarlett Johansson and she knows 5 languages including ones nobody else knows and can beat any man in a fight and is secretly a member of the legal team. Despite being literally perfect the other girls laugh at her because she is ugly. Iron Man 2's water bottle has DICK written on it and is full of petroleum. He sexually harasses Scarlett Johansson. What he didn't realise is Scarlett Johansson is secretly a member of the legal team, which leads to the story happening which I won't spoil. ឵឵ Elon Musk reveals his evil plan to communicate with other humans but is quickly thwarted by a certain member of the legal team. Rick Moranis is the backup bad guy. This is a flaw of the movie, because up until this point the movie had been a nonsensical collage of colours and animal sounds but has now been demoted to a superhero movie.
Iron Man 2 hates being Palladium Man 1. He resolves to kill himself and hopefully others in a high speed automobile accident. He hijacks a formula race car, but unfortunately he is exceptionally good at driving and nobody dies. Gwyneth Paltrow feels inspired and joins in but her car is cut in half by Iron Man 1's accidental whip. Iron Man 1 hits another car with his whip causing it and every other car to explode, and then hits Iron Man 2 with his whip which moves him slightly. In retaliation, Iron Man 2 rips out his heart, causing him to immediately experience some discomfort.
Iron Man 2 speaks a language nobody knows that sounds vaguely like French. He advises Iron Man 1 that his cycles per second were a little low and he could have doubled his rotations, also that focusing the repulsion energy through ionised plasma channels is effective but not very efficient. This continues for the remaining 85 minutes of the movie. But in the end Iron Man 1 wins the debate thanks to his superior mass.
Gwyneth Paltrow is having a panic attack at quarter speed. She refuses to eat toxic waste. At this point Iron Man 2 actually makes a good joke that I won't spoil. I'll just say it involves some small paws.
While in prison for loitering, Iron Man 1 clones himself and executes his clone. Or does his clone execute him? Scarlett Johansson argues that it doesn't matter, both clones were physically identical, had all the same memories, and had entirely identical brains up until the murder, at which point one of their brains changed a lot. The viewer is then given a lolly for sitting through this scene. ឵឵ Rick Moranis reveals himself. Iron Man Fun, as he now insists on being called, fires a complaint. Rick Moranis shrinks Iron Man Fun and then blows him up. This leaves Iron Man Fun at his regular size but he now suffers from chronic queasiness. So that the viewer can properly experience Iron Man's Fun World, for the rest of the movie the camera sways side to side and is out of focus.
Girl use phone and uninterested in alien. Typical, says alien. Iron Man 2 is dying of alcohol poisoning which he calls "neutron damage". He is now 89% palladium, causing him such intense distress that he becomes three people. This relieves Iron Man 2 1 but upsets Iron Man 2 2. Iron Man 2 3 has already left and now runs a successful spiritual retreat centre with his wife. They have two daughters, Jamie and Mike. Scarlett Johansson doesn't know how to respond to the situation and becomes 0 people. But as we all know, 0 is not a number.
I won't spoil this next scene because everyone dies. Afterwards Iron Man 2 2 wakes up in a donut building. Samuel L Jackson welcomes Iron Man 2 2 to the legal team, which Scarlett Johansson is 0 members of. Iron Man 2 2 is overjoyed, this news has taken Iron Man 2 2 to too happy town. Samuel L Jackson says just kidding motherfucker, welcome to hell.
With Iron Man 2 2 gone, earth has become a dystopian wasteland. The public refuses to shower. Iron Man Fun has been forced to go into hiding by riding on the rooves of taxis. In his grief he makes a robot puppet of Iron Man 2 1, who is still missing. One night while crying and eating baked beans, Iron Man Fun takes robot Iron Man 2 1 to bed. They have sex. The next afternoon, Iron Man Fun returns home to find robot Iron Man 2 1 has left him for black supporting actor. Iron Man Fun's 97% palladium heart is broken. He vows that he will never again fall in love with a robot puppet of one of the Iron Man clones. How wrong he was... ឵឵ Back in hell, Iron Man 2 2 watches movies and plays videos games and is bored. He hacks into a television screen but it isn't the same anymore. Iron Dad 2 2 asks him what's wrong. He says nothing is wrong. They have an argument. Iron Man 2 2 leaves the house and says fuck you dad! Then he goes to see a movie at the cinema alone, but leaves after 20 minutes and goes and lies down in a car park.
Iron Man 2 1 is still missing. Gwyneth Paltrow has assumed his identity and become princess of Big Iron. The spirit of Iron Man 2 2, projected from hell, invades her office and gives her a box of strawberries, which she is extremely allergic to, instantly killing her, mood. Iron Man 2 2's spirit keeps saying sorry I'm about to do something disgusting and then does something disgusting. Gwyneth Paltrow begins to float away but Iron Man 2 2 says wait there's just one more thing. He turns around and pulls down his pants. The camera zooms in but the film ends before we see anything. This cliff-hanger was how the Iron Man 2 universe was left until 14 years later when Iron Man 2 2 came out. ឵឵ Iron Man 2 2 starts strong, with a man's asshole. In this moment of depravity, spread open in front of 80,000,000 people in the opening weekend alone, Iron Man 2 2 realises that Iron Dad 2 2 loved him all along. He realises his dad wanted him to solve the riddle of Canberra to synthesise a completely new element that will fix his heart. Unlike everything else in this review, I made this last part up. Iron Man 2 2 steals Canberra and drives back to hell. He makes a particle accelerator in the kitchen and creates a new star and puts the star in his chest, becoming 99.97% Iron Man. He is literally screaming right now. Now that he has solved the riddle, hell starts to melt away around him as he is restored to reality. He quickly runs up to his father's office and opens the door, but just when he goes to say I love you dad! his father dies in a car accident 20 years ago.
Some old fashioned bird exchanges follow. Fun wants two birds inside of ten hours but Rick can only do two birds for the first four plus two eggs on stand by. And he wants to set up a covalent bird for a month once Fun's next bird shipment arrives. Fun says that's tempting, make it 3 eggs and you got a deal. Rick won't budgie. We've all seen scenes like this hundreds of times but it's still just as suspenseful.
Iron Man 2 2 hasn't been on earth for a minute when he gets a prank call from Iron Man Fun. OOOYYYYYY BLYAAAAAAATT. Iron Man 2 2 says is that you Gwyneth Paltrow? NYEEEEEET OY OY OY OY. Iron Man 2 2 says where are you? CYKAAAA. At this point I had to leave the theatre momentarily because my shoes were untied. When I got back the movie was over but I'll tell you what I think happened. ឵឵ Rick Moranis goes on stage to show off his new hot girlfriend. It is the robot puppet of Iron Man 2 1. The crowd is full of lust and storms the stage. They burn on enormous effigy of the bible. Rick Moranis reveals that he actually created an army of robot Iron Man 2 1 sexdolls. The crowd explodes with desire. Some of the crowds horny values become so high they integer overflow back around to extreme frigidity. Violence breaks out between the lustful and the lustless.
The Horny War, also known as the War on Liberation, was a civil war fought between attendees of the 3rd annual Rick Moranis convention that began on 7 May 2010. The conflict was one of the most destructive in contemporary warfare, resulting in tens of thousands of buildings ravaged and hundreds of thousands of civilians ravished.
After the documentary about the Horny War, Scarlett Johansson trips twenty men to death. She wants to use her trip instakill on Iron Man Fun for breaking the law and sleeping in a park. But Iron Man Fun is too cunning, so when Scarlett Johansson arrives at his lair he cuns her down and cuns away.
Iron Man 2 1 was apparently in heaven this whole time. He resurrects himself to talk privately with Iron Man 2 2 about how he has been having strange feelings. He says when he sees the robot puppet of himself he feels tingly in a way he's never felt before. He doesn't know for sure, but he thinks he may be falling in love with the robot puppet of himself. Iron Man 2 2 says that is gay. Iron Man 2 1 says no, he knows he isn't gay, he could never enjoy another man's penis. It's just when it's his own penis, he is intrigued. He says he loves women and women love him, and he's always wondered how it feels for the women he's with. Iron Man 2 2 says that is the gayest thing he has ever heard in his life. ឵឵ And so begins the epic climactic battle of the film, which was later cut down into a 24 part television series called Iron Man 2 2 2: You Are (Not) Gay. Iron Man 2 2 unleashes the demon army of hell upon Iron Man 2 1 who leads heaven and all its angels. They fight for the love of the robot puppet of Iron Man 2 1. In the process the universe is destroyed and every single person dies including god who dies 3 times. The Iron Men escape to the over-universe where all the universes are kept. They wage battle by shooting universes at each other. Iron Man 2 2 almost dies but narrowly dodges a universe by standing completely still and waiting. Iron Man 2 1 accidentally breaks a vase in the universe room. Over-god comes downstairs and stresses out. He banishes Iron Man 2 1 and 2 to a universe in which all matter is Iron Man 2 1 and all antimatter is Iron Man 2 2. If parts of Iron Man 2 1 and Iron Man 2 2 contact each other, they are annihilated.
200 trillion years later the movie is almost over. Nearly all of Iron Man 2 1 has been destroyed, and Iron Man 2 2 particles are celebrating their victory. Iron Man 2 1 says he will attend a public ceremony at which he will surrender. There, he explains how his feelings have changed, and how that thing with the robot puppet happened when he was in a really dark place. But he agrees that he might be bisexual. Iron Man 2 1 and Iron Man 2 2 shake hands, annihilating them both completely and destroying all remaining universes in the explosion.
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