You have two cows/28

===Medications===
;Anti-obesity drugs : Your two cows have lost weight, but they fart so much you die of methane poisoning.
;Birth control pills : You have two cows, and that's all you're ever going to have.
;Cialis : You have two cows. They sit in two bathtubs side by side totally naked watching a sunset.
;Minoxidil : Your two cows are so furry you can't find their udders.
;Prozac : Your two bulls feel better about themselves but can no longer get it up.
;Ritalin : Your two calves used to moo and butt heads when you were trying to sleep. Now they're spaced out and lethargic all the time but so what?
;Thorazine : You have two (yawn) ZZZZZZ ...
;Valium : You have two cows. One month later you need three cows. The next month you need four cows. What? They're all out of cows? AAAAAAAAA!
;Viagra : You can finally satisfy your two cows. Eww.
===Street Drugs===
;Amphetamines : You have two cows and you're gonna milk them and you're gonna build a barn for them and you're gonna install air conditioning and cable in the barn and you're gonna knit sweaters for them and you're gonna write epic poems about them and...oh forget it, now you just want to stay in bed and die.
;Cocaine : You suspect your two cows of trying to kill you.
;Crack : You pimp out your two cows.
;DMT : You have two cows. They make you puke violently. Then you realize they're actually benevolent aliens from another dimension, with a message for all humanity.
;Ecstasy : You have two cows. You drink too much of their milk and die from hyperhydrosis.
;Heroin : HURRY UP AND COOK THOSE TWO COWS ALREADY I'M JONESING HERE!!! ...Oh yeaaaaaah, that's the stuff...
;LSD : You have two rainbow-coloured cows with wings. You are one with them.
;Marijuana : You have two cows (giggle). You get the munchies (giggle) and eat them. Now you have (giggle) no cows, but you don't really care.
;PCP : You beat the shit out of your two cows.
;Vicodin : You........ummmm....you have two of 'em.....two cows.............
===Moodical Conditions===
;ADD : You have two co-Oooh! There's a barn over there!
;Addiction : You have two cows. You sell them and use the money to pay for your addiction. You soon realize you're addicted to selling cows and proceed to acquire more cows to cover the cost of your addiction.
;AIDS : You have a cow, a bull and a monkey. Somehow the bull contracts a disease from the monkey and passes it on to the cow. Their calf is infected. Their immune systems fail after a couple years, they die and you bury them. The calf grows up, sleeps around and shares needles. The disease spreads, and the calf is blamed for spreading the disease. Somehow it becomes big in Africa. You decided to never, ever tell the CDC about your role in this. Damn monkeys.
;Alcoholism : You have two cows. They drink so much, whenever you milk them you get vodka. You move to Russia and become one of the richest men in the country.
;Alzheimer's : You have two...
;Agoraphobia : You have two cows. They're afraid to leave the barn.
;Wernicke's aphasia : Walk left lightbulb purple cows.
:;Broca's aphasia : Uh....cows...talk...uh...
;Antisocial : You don't like cows. You don't even have any cows. If you had any cows, you'd kill them, or maybe eat them.
;Autism : You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows. You have two cows.
;Asperger's : You have two cows and Call of Duty is so awesome. Do you like call of duty? DO YA? [leans in uncomfortably close] You don't? Oh, well anyway, I really like the tactical nuke and...where are you going? [follows listener who is moving away rapidly]
;Bibovinaphobia: A constant gnawing fear that somewhere, somehow, two cows are watching you.
;Bipolar Disorder : You have two cows. You only actually have one at a time, alternating about once a month. One is very excitable, fun-loving, and egotistic. The other is always sluggish and depressed.
;Borderline personality disorder : You have two cows? Let me milk them for you. What do you mean they don't need milking? What you're really saying is you hate me. Fine! Guess I'll just kill myself; then you and your cows will be sorry.
;Cat Scratch Fever : You have two cows. They love Ted Nugent and wear loincloths.
;Common Cold : You have two cows. They sniffle and sneeze and don't fell well. They recover, but pass it on to the other animals. Then you get it. Then the cows somehow get it. And the cycle continues. Forever.
;Congenital Disorder : You have two cows. One's got an extra leg on its rump, deformed ears and is sterile. The other has something growing on its chest that looks like Kuato.
;Constipation : You...*argh*...have...*strain*...two...*ergh*...cows...
;Coprolalia : You fucking have two shitty cows.
;Dependent Personality Disorder : You have two cows. One cow becomes obsessed with the second, and literally can't live its life without the second. The second cow eventually dies, and the first cow just lies around, unable to do anything but breathe.
;Depression : What's the point of your having two cows?
;Diarrhea : You have t-- aw man. Excuse me a moment.
;Eating Disorder : You have two cows. The first refuses to eat, and therefor can't make milk. The second eats, but throws up the food when you aren't looking. Eventually they become really, really thin. You can't pay for therapy because you can't milk them so you shoot them, sell the corpses to McDonalds and buy two new cows and threaten them with the story of the two previous cows. Scared, they eat you out of house and home. You shoot them in anger. You realize you like killing cows, so you sell the farm and work at a slaughterhouse. Life is good.
;Ebola : You have two cows. Both die from internal hemorrhage and organ failure two weeks later.
;Echolalia : You have two cows. You have two cows.
;Flesh-Eating Bacteria : You have two cows. They "melt" in an incredibly disgusting and gory way. You make sure to burn the barn just in case.
;Hay Fever : You have two cows. They are allergic to hay. They die of starvation.
;Histronic : You tried to seduce one of your cows but he rejected you and you screamed and tore out your hair.
;Hoof-and-mouth disease : Ymph hvv tmph cwwz.
;Insomnia : You have two cows. They moo all night and are irritable during the day.
;Kleptomania : You have two cows. You "visit" your neighbors and get two more. You "visit" more neighbors and get three more. Then more. Then even more. Eventually people find out and you get sent to jail.
;Lycanthropy : You have two cows. One gets bitten by a wolf. It survives, but when the next full moon comes the other cow disappears. The first cow seems hairier and dangerous. You become afraid of sleeping at night, and sit in bed all night with your shotgun.
;Mad cow disease : You have two cows who have Swiss cheese for brains. They bite you. You turn into a zombie. The world is fucked.
;Manic Depressive : COWS ARE AWESOME OH MY FREAKING GODNoooooo I hate cows, my cows are so laaame... I'm gonna kill them... and then kill myself...
;Necrotizing Fasciitis : You have two cows. The first cow feels some discomfort on its skin, and the second does quickly after. They begin puking violently and suffer from extreme diarrhea. Their skin swells and deep layers of tissue begin to die. For some reason, you record what happens on film. You post it on the internet, and it becomes a famous shock video.
;Narcissism : Fuck the other cows, your cows are the most beautiful ones ever, of all time.
;Nymphomania : Your two cows screw like rabbits. While they're at it, they fuck rabbits like rabbits - and chickens, and pigs, and dwarves, and...
;Obsessive-compulsive disorder : You have two cows. You must count them fifty times or your entire family will die.
;Paranoia : You have two cows, and the government is coming to take them away, so you hide them in the bathroom, because no one would expect to find a cow in a bathroom, right? N-no, get away! You're working for them!! 
;Pedophilia : You have two calves. You sick bastard.
;Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder : You have two cows. One is really quiet and doesn't do much more than sit around, living its life quietly. The second is kinda normal, but freaks out when it hears loud noises, hears certain words or when you ask it about the war. The first cow eventually kills itself out of desperation and grief, and the other cow has to see a therapist.
;Poryphyria aka Vampirism : You have two cows. The first seems to be nocturnal. The next day comes and both are nocturnal. You seal the barn and make sure to sleep with a cross around your neck.
;Pyromania : You have two cows. You have an episode, and now you have two giant, well-done steaks.
;Rage : You have two cows and a monkey. The monkey throws up on the first cow, who becomes quickly infected. The monkey and the first cow bite the second and infect it. They then gang up and bite you. The four of you infect England and cause it to be quarantined. On the positive side, it makes a great movie.
;Spontaneous Combustion: You have two cows. You go inside your house to check if you turned the oven on. When you come back, you have eight legs.
;Seasonal Affective Disorder : You have two cows, as long as it's summer.
;Sadism : You get off on hurting cows.
;; Masochism : You asked your bull to gore you.
;Schizophrenia : You have two cows inside your head.
:; Paranoid schizophrenia : The Vatican planted two cows inside your head.
:; Disorganized schizophrenia : Dog tooth boardwalk two cows fluid hat.
:; Catatonic schizophrenia : You have two cows. They've been in the same position for 8 hours.
;Stutter: You hav-v-v-ve two c-c-c-c-cows.
;Synesthesia : You have two cows. Their moos sound purple.
;Syphilis : You have two cows. They break out in disgusting sores head to toe because they forgot to use a condom and screwed a skanky ho cow. One of them gets neurosyphilis and goes insane and kills the other cow, before dying because his brain gets too riddled with the disease. Damn cows.
nl:Je hebt twee koeien/28