Play a Game of Squidward

Hey sailor ahoy! Salvatore Torini's the name and don't you forget it! I own a summer camp located on an island just north of Bikini Bottom. The camp is called; Sun-N-Fun Island. The island was originally called Blood Heights and it was owned by a bunch of really silly looking guinea pig monster things. This was until my father Massimo and I raided the island and killed each and every one of the silly little Dickens. That may sound harsh but trust me when i say I knew that those guinea pigs were planning on doing the exact same thing to me as they were known for throwing morgue parties every now and then. This why the island had been Donald Love's favourite place to visit prior to the takeover by me and my father. It didn't take much time for my father and I to convert the island into a summer camp, and we crafted the entire camp in my beautiful image. My father and I believed that I would have no trouble making my summer camp the best summer camp in the whole entire world. Bur sadly it was just not meant to be. Everything seemed to be in my favour as there were other no summer camps in the area to speak of which could give me competition, and yet even still my summer camp was still barely able to make end's meat. I tried my best to add activities to my camp that both kids and adults could enjoy. These activities included Marconi art, singing campfire songs, and helping and supporting one another. Sadly, it came to my attention that these kinds of activities were seen as very cringey and the mere thought of doing them was enough to make people vomit out their lunch.
Thankfully having a mobster for a father had it's advantages, as my father was able to protect my summer camp from being closed down. I knew however that he couldn't possibly protect it forever as much I would like him to. Much to my father's chagrin, I was falling back on bills and I kept neglecting to pay them. One day, I invited my father to go go karting around the island, but upon entering my little wooden shack he discovered the entire area to be filled to the brim with bills. My father groaned heavily as he asked, "oh for Christ's sake Sal didn't your mother and I ever teach anything?" "Well not really." I responded in a very sarcastic tone which is very out of character for me and felt very bad for having said such a sarcastic thing. The mere idea of sarcasm is unholy in my father's mind and so he responded to my sarcasm by throwing a brick at me which I only just narrowly managed to avoid. My father sank to his knees and said, "listen Sal... I'm going to be out of town for the next couple weeks maybe even a month or more. I need to have some strict assurance from you that you will pay the bills while I'm gone." He cleared his throat as he then continued with, "and I also need some strict assurance that you will not do anything stupid while I'm gone okay?" "You can count on me Pops!" I proclaimed very happily as I gave my father a packet of onion paste. Though it wasn't really onion paste it was actually yeast. But how much had Massimo had that day? Too much yeast can make your teeth go grey! After my father made his departure, I made a visit to the washroom and I took my phone with me in order to make a very important phone call to my best friend in the whole entire world: Kevin Cruise!
Kevin Cruise and I had attended yachting clubs together back when Kevin was poor and content to be so. This was also back during a time when Kevin went by his real name which was Spiffy Biffy or Wiffy depending on who you ask. Kevin had played a massive hand in helping me and my father establish my summer camp. He acted as my right-hand man and official spokesperson. Through the use of large cash rewards and some M&M Mini's, Kevin and I were able to get Television Centre to air adverts for Sun-N-Fun Island. Kevin starred in each and every advert. I never appeared in any of the adverts as I was and still am very camera shy. Kevin loved to tell really wicked one liners while advertising the camp and after telling his jokes he would always smile a wicked smile which would make people to throw their TV sets out of the window. It also didn't help that the Centre would not allow Kevin to have multiple takes for the adverts which meant it had to all be done in one take. Nothing more nothing less. In one advert, Kevin sang a little musical number and was dancing on the very dock of the boat. "Sailing upon the sea!" Kevin sang but he was so busy singing and dancing that he failed to notice that he had forgotten to put the boat on auto pilot and so it ended up crashing into the local stationmaster's house. The stationmaster's wife was very angry not just because her husband kept on going out on business trips with his co-worker and totally not his lover Sam The Conductor. The pair would snort coke inside the Flying Kipper with The Fat Controller just so you know. No, she was really mad over the fact that Kevin had completely destroyed her breakfast. "Just look what you've done to my breakfast! Now I shall have to cook some more!" The stationmaster's wife whined as she dragged Kevin by the ear into the house. Once inside the house, she proceeded to hand Kevin a broom and ordered him to clean up the mess. Oh what a limey cashew!
Needing some money and fast, I poured myself a cup of Joe and I explained the situation over to Kevin Cruise who grinned from ear to ear after hearing every detail. "What am I going to do Kevin? What am I going to do?" I asked as I held my face in despair. Suddenly, Kevin stood up from the floor and began busting out into a really groovy dance. "What are you dancing around for? You need to go to the bathroom or something?" I inquired to which Kevin responded with, "nope I just had the best idea that anyone in the history of anyone has ever had!" "Oh and what is that exactly?" I asked. "Why don't you host a.... GAME NIGHT!" Kevin proclaimed in the loudest voice you'd ever hear. It was so loud it caused me to go flying across the entire flipping room. After regaining my composure upon landing on top of an old bean bag which I kept in my office for when times got hard, I agreed that a game night was probably my best bet for making back the money that I needed to pay the bills. So after hearing Kevin's plan, I went outside and walked along an old boardwalk area located just along the pier. I put a cigarette in my mouth and gave my father a ring. I told him about my plans for a game night and asked if Kevin and I could maybe borrow a car in order to give out some flyers advertising my summer camp. You see; my father owns a massive vehicle rental shop down on the coast and since I was his son I was entitled to freebies. The following morning, Kevin and I caught the trolley there and after much debating we decided to take an SUV which had diamond plated wheels and aluminium foil wrapped around the windshield in order to prevent a leak. It also made it very difficult to see when you were driving, but don't even think of trying to remove the foil as it's been wielded to the windshield with super glue. How delightfully smeg!
For the remainder of the morning, Kevin Cruise and I went around town asking various people to come and join the game night. Using a megaphone, I yelled, "HEY SAILORS COME TO MY SUMMER CAMP TOMORROW NIGHT FOR THE FIRST EVER GAME NIGHT!" My yelling was so loud that even the local recording studio in Bedfordshire heard it. Sadly, a priest at the recording studio who was on the cusp of winning £10,000 in a big game show ended up losing his focus because of my loud yelling and ended up subsequently losing the game. Realising that the megaphone wasn't enough, I began placing flyers all around town advertising it. To make matters all the more sweet, there was also an incredibly hard to follow map located on the back of the flyers. It was incredibly hard to understand as information on the page was written German. I can't even speak German nor can Kevin. Oh bugger! Kevin also got me beaten up when he stuck a flyer to the back of an incredibly strong and dangerous construction worker. Kevin departed from the scene before the worker turned around to confront me. He believed that I was the one to stick the flyer onto his back. I tipped my hat to the worker as I said, "hey sailor ahoy want some almonds?" I held a bowl of almonds up for him to take one, but that construction worker instead responded by punching me right in the face which sent me flying all the way up to Hushaby Mountain. That evening upon returning home to Sun-N-Fun Island following a rather nasty run in with a swan located up past Lake Vernon, I was dismayed to learn that after all that nonsense Kevin and I had only been able to recruit three people which were the saddest sad Sad McSad, Slimer, and Wilford Wolf. Wilford Wolf used to work at Canary Wolf in 2007 or thereabouts until well you know....something something Spongey gamepad.
The following day, Kevin and I proceeded to spend the entire day decorating the camp for the arrival of our new friends McSad, Slimer, and Wilfred. I was confident that this game night was going to be the game night that would end all game nights. In order to make the camp look more appealing, I spent my time creating a massive banner and using my skills in Marconi art I was able to write; "Welcome To The Gaming House Sailors!" I had gained a great deal of knowledge in the art of the Marconi after taking a course all about it during my brief stint at Fordham University. My time at Fordham was very brief as it was a very snidely place. Not a good place to be! Kevin busied himself by putting some balloons all around the place unaware that McSad was a serious globophobe. In order to make sure that the trio did not get lost on their way to the island, I had stolen the bat single right from under Batman's nose and used it to help shine the way. I also didn't realise that were settings on the light to adjust the brightness which now meant the light was so bright it made some of the balloons catch on fire and pop. This was until I was eventually able to lower the settings. It was a good thing too as the trio pulled up outside the island having been driven there in a rubber dingy built for four. I headed over to the stairwell to greet the new arrivals, and was very delighted to learn that I had an extra person enjoying the class who just so happened to be my uncle Alister Ant. Alister was there as a guide and a carer for McSad. Upon seeing me for the first time in years, my uncle Alister cried, "oh buggering buggerton! Let's go McSad!" Dragging McSad by the sleeve collar, Alister attempted to make his leave but I got right up in front of him as I proclaimed, "what's the hurry Alister?" Alister responded by getting ready to beat the snot out of me with his walking stick but he was held back by McSad. The entire time McSad kept looking at me with those big old sad eyes which made me feel very uncomfortable.
So, I gave the trio a brief tour of the camp and Slimer was not very interested until he heard all about the free food and refreshments located in the canteen. "Ooh bravo!" Slimer cried happily as he flew straight towards the canteen and began chugging down box after box of Coconut Kablams! Little did Slimer know that those darn cookies have been out of fashion since 1931 and they were incredibly dangerous to eat. Although then again Slimer is a ghost so it probably wouldn't do him that much damage anyway. So while Slimer helped himself to all the food in the canteen, I headed inside the old rundown ski lodge located at the very tail end of the camp. Upon returning to the main area of the camp, I was carrying every single board and card game that I could possibly find including Operation, Frustration, Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta trivial pursuit, and even Guess Who? Guess A Poo! Ha ha... sorry about that. I also pulled out snakes and ladders which contained actual snakes big ones too and actual ladders for them to climb on. We all sat down on the smelly tiled floor and each took earns playing through the games. McSad didn't seem to be interested in any of the games that we played and he once again kept on staring at me with those big old sad eyes. I glared at him as I warned, "if you looking at me like that buddy I'm gonna call the cops." "Like they'd do anything anyway." Alister said as he rolled a dice. He then turned to face me and said, "you know something boy when I was your age, games like this only costed a nickel not like all that new fangle shite like your Xbox 360's and PlayStation Advances and what not." Yes, Uncle Alister is an old fart and he smells like one too. He hates my guts because I refused to follow him in his trade which was selling hats and scarfs to snowmen who were extra chilly. The company made Alister very little money as no one liked him, but he does own a fief which helps bring him a little money on the side. Nothing too crazy however don't worry about it okay? A thank you!
After playing through all the board and card games, it finally came down to the main event that being of course Pass The Parcel. Pass The Parcel is a game in which you each take turns passing a parcel while incredibly smelly and possibly racially insensitive music plays in the background. The person holding the parcel once the music stops is the one to win. "Oh not pass the parcel!" Alister whined as Kevin set the stereo up. The rest of us all gathered around the room in a circle as McSad presented the parcel. Now, I had actually planned on creating something for the game, but McSad told me in confidence that he had put a great deal of effort into making this parcel. He also went on to explain to me that the parcel contained something for everyone not just one particular person. I have never in all my life seen such an intense game of Pass The Parcel. It came very close to Slimer winning, but ultimately the game ended up being won in my favour. I opened the parcel up as it was wrapped in Shrek wrapping paper and saw that it was just a jar of sweets. Not very good ones either. They were very dodgy looking sugary pieces of sugar chews. There was also some bonbons in there too which tasted so bad that I got really sick, and I had to excuse myself just so I could vomit them out into te sea. Returning to my campers, I discovered that there was something hidden in between all the sweet chews and bonbons. I stuck my hand inside the cookie jar so to speak and I removed a small blank DVD disc. "A DVD?" I asked while holding the disc up towards the Sun for some strange reason. "So you got me a DVD?" I asked Sad McSad who responded with, "yes you see; I planned on giving it to my fiancée until she had an affair with an incredibly fat governor on the urgings of thsi cricket who lives upon the hearth in her house." "Okay you're crazy...." I said rather awkwardly as Slimer picked the DVD out from my hands and asked, "what's this DVD about McSad?"
According to McSad, the DVD was a super secret SpongeBob SquarePants episode produced for Season 4 but was never released. It was never released because it was never meant to be an episode of the full series. You see; in the early 2000's, many cereal companies in Bikini Bottom most notably Kelpo had a real thing for putting SpongeBob DVDs inside their cereal boxes. The episodes shown on these DVDs were specially made for the cereal companies and were not pre-made episodes. None of these episodes have been released on DVD. Of the five episode made only one episode entitled, "Dining With Patrick," has made the light of day, It was released on YouTube by a Finnish YouTuber named The Kaladana. The episode of course was in Finnish and the quality was awful and looked like it had been filmed with a potato as the camera recording it kept on shaking and shaking. According to my local washing machine dealer whose a real wiz in Finnish, the episode was about Patrick making dinner for SpongeBob but he ended up making a real pig's ear of it. Literally, Patrick gave SpongeBob a pig's ear to eat. SpongeBob ate the ear and he nearly gagged but he to hold it in as Patrick put his arm around him and smiled the smuggest smile you'd ever see. After getting the inside scoop, Wilfred Wolf made a bowl of porridge appear magically as he asked, "well what are we waiting for? Are we going to watch it or not?" "Hmm... well why not!" I proclaimed happily as I commanded or rather gently requested for Kevin Cruise to put the disc into the DVD player. The DVD player is very old and has loads of brown sticky stuff on top of it. Probably gone off mustard cream.
While Kevin set the DVD player, I busied myself by giving everyone with the exception of Slimer of course a bean bag to sit on. "Oh my wickers!" I cried as I ended up sitting on top of one of the balloons causing it to pop. McSad started crying while Wilfred and Slimer glared at me. "Pipe down man!" Wilfred barked as Slimer repeated him by saying, "yeah pipe down man." The pair's glaring made me feel incredibly uneasy as the DVD finally began playing. I don't think it was sitting too well with our DVD player as it caused the thing to make horrifying noises. There was even steam coming out from the wires in the back, but I do not care no I don'tl I got myself comfortable on a bean bag next to McSad as the DVD started by showing some boring copyright warnings and some Nickelodeon and Paramount logos. There was then a really weird commercial which had two men dressed in business suits standing next to a car. "So what comes as standard on this model?" The one man asked. The other man looked at the car confused as he asked, "Standard? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." The second and final clip shown was that of David The Duke Dickinson performing a magic show up in Gran Canaria. He pulled a red towel out from his ear and began coughing into it. And that... and that was the entire magic trick. What the duck!? Of course, even though there were commercials and copyright warnings there was no actual main menu for this DVD instead it cut straight to the main theme song. The theme song was normal until the part where SpongeBob merges himself into different shapes. SpongeBob kept screaming in agony which made me laugh. I love seeing him suffer as he deserves it. I mean have you seen Choir Boys lately? Also, when SpongeBob appeared at the end of the song to play his little nose flute someone off screen threw a brick at him.
The title of the episode came on screen and it read, "Play A Game Of Squidward." There was no music and the title card showcased a picture from the episode. It was Squidward rolling a dice while SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy sit on the sofa next to him. Patrick was dressed up in a tuxedo hat and looked rather nasty. No seriously, he didn't look like himself and instead looked green and mouldy like a fungus. There was even toadstools coming out from his head. The episode then started at the Krusty Krab with SpongeBob and Patrick hanging around the main dining area playing a game of Eels & Escalators. Nice call back. Much like in the episode Sailor Mouth, Patrick kept on getting escalators while SpongeBob kept on getting eels. After getting eels one too many times, SpongeBob completely lost it. He took off one of his shoes and began chasing Patrick around the restaurant. Noticing this, Mr Krabs came out from his office and asked Squidward who was busy trying to watch his favourite soap opera, "what's going on here Mr Squidward?" "How should I know?" Squidward asked rhetorically as he went back to watching his show. Meanwhile, Mr Krabs went to confront SpongeBob and Patrick. He told the pair that Eels & Escalators was not the game to be played in a man's steak. Whatever that means. Mr Krabs reached inside his mouth and pulled out Monopoly or rather Krabnopoly. The front of the box had a picture of Mr Krabs wearing a top hat and cane. I think it as good a time as any to mention the fact that the humour in this episode so far anyway was almost non existent. This definitely smelt like a season 4 episode I'll tell you that much! Also because SpongeBob and Patrick are so stupid, Mr Krabs had to spend the next few hours telling them how to play the game.
Krabnopoly as if it wasn't obvious enough by the name was actually just a cheap knock off board game that Mr Krabs had made for his daughter Pearl many chilly Christmas mornings ago. The pieces in the game were all things that Mr Krabs had found lying around on the floor including an old mouldy French fry, a blob of cheese, and a toe nail clipping. There was no board either it was just an old placemat which had ketchup stains all over it which meant that all the pieces would stick to it all the darn time. SpongeBob didn't seem to mind however as he proclaimed, "Mr K this is the best board game ever!" "Yeah right." Squidward joked which caused Mr Krabs to glare at him as he asked, "you think you're clever do ya?" Squidward got out from his boat and waked over to the table where SpongeBob, Mr Krabs, and Patrick were sitting. He looked at Mr Krabs with contempt before saying, "well it's just that this game is perhaps the cheapest looking board game I have ever seen." "Yeah like you could better." Mr Krabs said as he took his turn rolling the dice. "Who says I can't?" Squidward asked as Mr Krabs then decided to have a small bet. Mr Krabs betted Squidward that he could not possibly make a board game that could beat Krabnopoly. Squidward went on to say that if he was able to make a game better than Krabnopoly he would be entitled to a raise and be allowed to sleep on the job whenever he pleased. But if Mr Krabs won. Oh man if Mr Krabs won. Please don't eat anything when I tell you what Mr Krabs will do to Squidward if he loses because it might make you sick. Very sick. If Mr Krabs wins, Squidward will be forced to rip barnacles out from his hairy back and then make a Krabby Patty for a customer whose so annoying I wish they were dead. Squidward will shove the patty into the customer's mouth without washing his tentacles causing the customer to get a bad stomach ache. "You've got a deal!" Squidward proclaimed happily as he gave Mr Krabs a handshake cementing the deal.
At the Chum Bucket, Plankton was shown sleeping at his desk when Squidward came barging in through the front door. Thinking that Squidward was an intruder, Plankton grabbed a shotgun and got ready to kill this renegade sea creature. Upon seeing Plankton with the shotgun, Squidward responded by bringing it around town much to the disgust of Plankton and the entire Bikini Bottom orchestra who just so happened to be at the Chum Bucket performing a show. "What do you want Squidward? Can't you see that I'm busy?" Plankton inquired. Squidward coughed out some nails as he said, "I understand but Plankton you don't understand that I need your help." "My help really and may I ask why?" Plankton questioned to which Squidward responded with, "well the thing is; Mr Krabs and I had a small bet. He made this really awful Monopoly knock off and he betted that I couldn't possibly make a board game that was better than his. As much as it pains me to admit it, I know he's right. I know nothing about making games which is why I came to see you." "Well what's in it for me?" Plankton asked whilst pulling the cheesiest face you ever did see. It was so cheesy in fact that it made Wilford Wolf vomit out his porridge all over McSad. McSad didn't seem to mind however and just kept staring at me with those big old sad eyes. Anyways, Squidward promised Plankton the Krabby Patty Secret Formula if he helped him create the ultimate board game. "Now I get it let's go!" Plankton proclaimed happily as a time montage then happened which showcased Plankton and Squidward preparing the game by wielding some things together. The board game was placed into a box which had a picture of Squidward's handsome form on it. After handing Squidward the game, Plankton cleared his throat very loudly I might add as he then asked, "so uh about the Secret Krabby Patty Formula?" "I got your reward right here." Squidward said evilly as he pulled a handgun out from his nose and shot Plankton three times in the chest with it. Oh Squidy you so sinister! What's wrong Mr Squidturd?
Most of the main cast were invited to Squidward's home that evening in order to test out his brand new board game including SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, and of course Mr Krabs. The cast got themselves comfy on the sofa while Squidward came into the room carrying the game on a large silver plater. He placed the plater in front of Mr Krabs as he said, "ladies and gentlemen I present to you; The Game Of Squidward!" Squidward then proceeded to take the lid off from the box. The game looked... actually to be honest with you the game looked fricking awesome! It was a Squidward shaped board and appeared to be some kind of a monopoly rip off. Only there was actual effort placed into it compared to Mr Krabs and his rather lacklustre attempt. "Squidnopoly you must be joking!" Mr Krabs laughed hysterically as Squidward handed him the dice. He wanted Mr Krabs to have the first go in order to prove him wrong. It's worth noting that Squidward's game actually came with proper pieces which included a clarinet, a bowling ball, a flat cap, and Moby Dick. Hang on a second! Moby what!? Ahem! Mr Krabs gave the dice a roll and was dismayed to only get a 1. Squidward then smiled an incredibly sinister squidy smile as he said, "bad luck Mr Krabs!" Suddenly as if by magic, a large blue portal came out from the game and began pulling Mr Krabs towards it. "Grab a hold of him quickly!" Sandy proclaimed as she, SpongeBob, and Patrick all tried their absolute best to pull Mr Krabs out from the portal but it was no use. "Mr K grab a hold of this!" SpongeBob cried as he tried getting Mr Krabs to grab a hold of the weirdest looking lollipop that you ever did see. Once again it was no use and before you could even say, "electric telemarketers covered in battery acid," the portal had already closed with Mr Krabs inside of it.
Mr Krabs found himself trapped in a deep dark void, but was pretty content it would seem especially when he came across a quarter that was floating in the air beside him. "Oh bugger I could really do with a shit!" Mr Krabs cried as he clutched his stomach in pain. Suddenly, a porta potty appeared beside him but to his utter and shock fear, in order to use the porta potty you had to insert one quarter. "No!" Mr Krabs cried at the very top of his lungs as the screen cut to black for two seconds. The episode came back to show Squidward was getting beaten up by Sandy. Grabbing Squidward by the neck, Sandy proceeded to lift him high up into the air until his head touched the ceiling. "I'm gonna ask you again; what did you do to Mr Krabs?" Sandy asked as she gave Squidward a right good punch to the nose. "Oh Sandy can't you see? The game contains an inter dimensional portal." Squidward explained as Sandy looked dumbfounded as she then asked, "inter... inter dimensional portal?" She proceeded to loosen her grip on Squidward as he fell to the floor. After getting back his bearings, Squidward explained that while constructing the game, Plankton strongly suggested using mores code but Squidward wasn't interested in that! For Squidy had other ideas you see. He basically told Plankton that he wanted to make the most authentic game experience that the world has ever seen. "Well there is one thing we can do." Plankton said as he then revealed himself to be carrying a teeny tine inter dimension jumper which was shaped like a skull. Plankton took some of the data from a few of the dimensions contained inside the jumper and inputted them into the game. Sounds complicated. "So you're standing that Mr Krabs in this weird dimension?" Sandy asked as Patrick asked, "so how do we get him back then?" "Simple!" Squidward proclaimed at the top of his lungs as he then continued with, "in order to save Mr Krabs; you each need to roll a six on the dice. Once you've done that, you will be taken into the universe by the same portal that took Mr Krabs. Once inside, you need to make your way through all seven game worlds. Do that successfully, and you will be able to save Mr Krabs." "And if we fail?" Sandy inquired. Squidward didn't respond and instead just pulled a very sinister Squidy smile.
So SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy each took separate turns rolling the dice. It was a standard six sided dice, and Squidward had input loads of punishments for the trio if they didn't roll a six. Thankfully none of them rolled a 1 which sends you into the void like what happened to Mr Krabs. Getting a 2 causes a big fat sweaty man eating a mint ice cream cone to fall on you from space, a 3 causes cockroaches to swarm around you, a 4 causes you to get a donut monster thing attached to your head. The monster donut is so cruel too! It makes you crave a donut but you can never reach it. Try as you might! Your best best is to annoy the thing so much by requesting really weird donut flavours that nobody has ever bloody heard about. And lastly, getting a 5 causes the Scandinavian Terminator nicknamed Otto to come after you. Otto has an incredibly tragic backstory as he came to Empire Bay on a freighter carrying fruit. Upon arriving in the city, Otto leaded to a local clothes shop in order to buy some clothes so's he could blend in better to his surroundings. Sadly the shop owner; Digs was very racist and told Otto that he was so ugly that he should stick to buying clothes from the Scandinavian clothes shop across the street. "You want to look so groovy like an actor in a movie?" Digs sang as his entire store was then set on fire by Otto. This act of racism from Digs had changed Otto and now he's a stone cold killer who gained power in South Millville by stealing an oil rig belonging to the Tamil Kings. The Tamil Kings!? Otto you cheeky biscuit nobody messes with the Tamil Kings! I tell you all this because of course SpongeBob ended up accidentally rolling a five. The episode then cut to show an outside view of the Bikini Bottom Harbour. A large freighter pulled up and Otto climbed out from it. You better run Spongey! Otto is coming for you!
After many failed attempts, the trio each managed to land three six's in a row much to the surprise and annoyance of Squidward. The blue portal appeared once again and began pulling the trio towards it. The trio fell for hours until they eventually landed in the middle of a backyard in somebody's house. On the roof of the house, Squidward appeared wearing an old wizard Halloween costume. He introduced himself as being The Game Keeper. According to Squidward or The Game Keeper as I will continue to refer to him as for the remainder of the episode, World 1 wasn't much of a world and was really just a test. The aim of this world was to beat Apple Chin the world's best BBQ cook in a 4th of July style cookout. "Easy peasy!" SpongeBob remarked in a very arrogant tone which seems very out of character for someone of his calibre. Also, the trio as well as The Game Keeper all failed to notice that Otto was watching them from behind a nearby old oak tree. Apple Chin came out of the house's backdoor wearing a white apron and chef hat as he proclaimed, "okay let's get dangerous!" Apple Chin reached inside his chef hat and made two BBQ grilles appear magically. He then handed SpongeBob a spatula as he said with an iconic ear to ear grin, "let's see what you got kid!" Upon seeing Apple Chin's majestic looking cowboy hat, Patrick made his own cowboy outfit appear magically as he challenged Apple to some square dancing. Apple accepted the request and got so distracted square dancing with Patrick that he unwittingly allowed for SpongeBob to win the game with freeze by making a total of 9001 Krabby Patties. Learning that SpongeBob won the cook off, Apple who managed to make just one burger before the time ran out forced Old Man Jenkins to see who made the better burger. Old Man Jenkins ate SpongeBob's burger and began dancing around the garden singing, "A Wonderful World." Old Man Jenkins then tried Apple Chin's burger and DIED! No seriously, he ate the burger smiled an iconic smile and then died.
Although to be fair, Apple Chin was a very terrible cook as it turns out he had actually forged his cooking degree with help from some friends in New Hampshire who run a totally legit counterfeiting company. Wait a second when was counterfeiting ever legit exactly? Yes in truth, Apple Chin had never ever actually gone to cookery school and only said that so people would think he was cool. And in a way yeah it kind of worked. I expected better from you Apple Chin! Apple's burger was really foul as he had placed mushed apples and garden trimmings in it. Apple Chin then ran inside the house in order to lay down on the sofa as his calves were on fire from the square dancing he had done with Patrick. "Looks like he's danced his last dance." Sandy said to SpongeBob all the while pulling the smuggest face I have ever seen! I got very sick as a blue portal appeared in the sky above the trio and pulled them in. It was time for World 2. According to The Game Keeper, this is where the fun would really begin.
Go Kart Island was the name of the second world and each and every thing in this particular world was made from go karts or rather shell karts as they referred to in the show. The goal of this world was to survive a go kart derby for six minutes. "No problem." Patrick said like some kind of Rayman as he was then ran over by Squidward who just so happened to be driving a shell kart. Really should have named this level Shell Kart Island shouldn't they? I guess the animators got lazy when they had to animate this particular part as for the entire scene Squidward appeared out of his wizard costume. And yet, in the next world he was back in the costume. Continuity errors and where to find them am I right? With Patrick out of the game, Sandy knew that she and SpongeBob were toast but that's when she got an idea. There was a small kiosk on the other side of the derby where a man was selling bananas. Using the last dollar on her person, Sandy bought herself a banana and unravelled it. She then threw the banana peel onto the ground. When Squidward's shell kart drove over the banana peel it caused it to go flying in the air. Suddenly, a large school bus covered in spikes appeared on the scene and started chasing after SpongeBob and Sandy. The bus was being driven by Freddy Krueger who proclaimed, "no littering when the bus is in motion!" He then did his trademark laugh but it was SpongeBob and Sandy who got the last laugh as Krueger ended up accidentally driving his bus into a nearby ditch. Suddenly, Captain Frosty Mug was shown jumping out from a large jumbo jet and he parachuted down to SpongeBob's level. Captain Frosty Mug got right up in SpongeBob's grille as he asked, you're quite the dodger SpongeBob, but can you past the ultimate test?" Frosty Mug handed SpongeBob a small dart gun and a large red cherry. Oh man this was going to be tough!
The test was simple well on paper at least anyway. The aim of the game was to shoot the cherry into Frosty Mug's arse. Captain Frosty Mug turned around and sure enough SpongeBob on his very first try managed to shoot the cherry directly into Frosty Mug's arse. This caused Kevin Cruise to become very hot under the collar as I hadn't bothered to install an AC. Oh buggering buggerton. The impact of the shot ended up causing Frosty Mug to pass out. The screen cut to black again and when it came back, Frosty Mug was shown sitting in a wheelchair with his arm in a sling and his leg in a cast. "Well son I have to say I'm impressed!" Frosty Mug proclaimed as he rewarded SpongeBob and Sandy with their milkshake licenses. Before the pair along with Patrick departed to the next world, Frosty Mug was shown trying to get a milkshake from a local vending machine. While waiting for the milkshake to appear, Frosty Mug looked visibly terrified and he begged for SpongeBob to help him. But the very cold sea sponge simply said and I quote, "I no have time for that!" That line didn't sound like Tom Kenny at all, and actually sounded like the voice of my local Taco Bell manager. But that's another story. Next was World 3. Oh golly gosh World 3! It was time for Squidward's Tiki Land. Ooh Tiki Tiki! The aim of this level was to simply get from the start of the island to the end of the island in less than 45 minutes. Take longer than 45 minutes and you et thrown into the furnace by the Tiki Guardians. Squidward's Tiki Land was basically an Hawaiian themed holiday resort themed around Tiki's.
Believe it or not adventuring through Squidward's Tiki Land seemed to be going well at first, Patrick made himself right at home by opening up his own bar and selling smoothies which taste so bad. Like honestly so bad. Still they do have good rates according to my contact who happens to be a mouse with a severe nose injury. Patrick even dawned himself an Hawaiian shirt as did SpongeBob while Sandy spurned herself a hula. Of course, that's when the Tiki Guardians came to live when SpongeBob made the stupid decision of asking how much a log rhythm is worth. Still don't know the answer to that one I got to be honest! The Tiki Guardians made a canoe appear magically and forced the trio to hitch a ride on it. "Ooh Tiki Tiki!" The Tiki Guardians sang as they then continued with, "welcome to Squidward's Tiki Land! You can relax all day like a Tiki can! Ooh Tiki Tiki!" The song was so smelly it caused SpongeBob to start gagging violently and for Sandy's face to turn green like Shrek. The Game Keeper appeared on a canoe beside them as he asked, "giving up?" "What's going on? Why do we feel sicker than Arthur Morgan?" SpongeBob questioned. The Game Keeper chuckled a chuckle as he said, "the longer the Tiki's sing to you the more rotten you become. If they get to the end of their song, you will die." He then made his leave all the while singing along with the Tiki Guardians. Ooh Tiki Tiki! That's when both SpongeBob and Patrick noticed a fatal flaw in Squidward's Tiki Island. The whole damn thing had been wielded together with sand and not super glue as had been advised to Squidward by his realty agent Richard Beck. Squidward spurned Beck's offer in contempt, but in retrospect he probably shouldn't have. Listen to your nose and you will understand! Unless you don't have a nose and to that I say sorry Murray. Ha ha Murray!
SpongeBob grabbed a torch off from one of the Tiki Guardians who may or may not have really been on the Molinari Family's payroll and for big money too so I hear. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy set to work on setting fire to Squidward's Tiki Land. Ooh Tiki Tiki! Within just a few moments, the entire island was ablaze and there was nothing left except this really cool swing which was shaped like a canoe. Someday, I'll teach you how to buy a canoe someday. Don't you worry don't you worry now! Upon seeing his beautiful Tiki Land crumble in flames, The Game Keeper sank to his knees as he said in a depressed tone of voice, "you... destroyed my paradise!" Should of tried using super glue eh Squidy... uh i mean Game Keeper. Also, the sad Game Keeper looked really weird and his face kind of looked like a deflated balloon. After pondering a ponder about whether this is all worth it, SpongeBob felt Sandy put her hand on his shoulder as she said, "come on let's move on." World 4 was a level which would have delighted Mr Krabs had he not still been stuck inside the void. it was Money City. It was basically just Bikini Bottom only everything all the buildings, civilians, and surroundings even the boats were made from money. The goal of this level was to find the penny. Now at first, Sandy suggested looking for the penny inside a stack of needles. SpongeBob and Sandy made their way inside the needlestack while Patrick chilled on top of the stack sitting on a sun lounger. He also dawned a pair of green sunglasses and began browsing through The Sunday Times and The Chicago Tribute. SpongeBob got poked with needle after needle after needle and his nose even deflated which made me laugh hysterically and this caused Slimer to glare at me. "Pipe down man!" Slimer barked as he slapped the back of my head. For such a little spud he had quite a force in those hands of his you know?
After exiting the needlestack, Sandy suggested that the penny may be hidden inside of the vault at the Bikini Bottom Mint. "You can take care of this one Sandy!" SpongeBob blurted out as he fell to the floor in pain. Suddenly some Texas icons appeared in the air above Sandy akin to the ones in Battle Of Bikini Bottom. Using her lasso, Sandy was able to swing on the Texas signs and made her way across the city until she reached the Bikini Bottom Mint. Using the very last Texas sign, Sandy was able to make her way onto the rooftops of the bank. In order to get down to the bank's vault, Sandy opted to use the air vents. Sadly, Sandy's movements inside the air vents were caught on the CTV. The two security guards watching the footage were very confused but the one guard simply said, "activate the system!" Hitting the on switch, the air vents turned on and they sent Sandy flying across the entire fricking area until she eventually slammed face first into a wall. After recovering from the impact, Sandy realised that she was in front of the vault which was located at the very bottom of the Mint. Departing from the air vents, Sandy came face to face with the vault but was unsure on how to proceed. She was getting ready to use some mores code, but that's when SpongeBob and Patrick came crashing through the walls of the vault in a boat made out of dollar bills. SpongeBob had stolen it from the parking lot of Mrs Puff's Boating School according to a deleted scene. Sandy got herself inside the boat and was delighted to learn that SpongeBob had found the penny. Holding the penny in her hands, Sandy asked in an incredibly smug tone of voice, "if I may ask how did you two come into this?"
According to SpongeBob, after Sandy departed for the Bikini Bottom Mint he discovered the penny on the ground just outside the needlestack. Instead of just picking the penny up from the ground like a normal person, SpongeBob instead opted to perform the weirdest dance ever known to man. All passer-by's took turns to glare at the sea sponge as he finally picked the penny up from the ground and shoved it up his nose. Upon hearing that last detail, Sandy grimaced and gave the penny to Patrick. Suddenly, Bill the very miserable manager of the Bikini Bottom Mint came in with two security guards. "Come to rob the Mint eh? Well it ain't gonna happen! Get em guards!" Bill commanded at the top of his lungs. It's worth noting that the two security guards were large humanoid dollar bills while Bill himself was made out of quarters and he had a dollar for a mouth. A massive boat chase then occurred as SpongeBob drove the boat through the walls of the Mint all the while getting chased down by Bill in his Frankincense Rolls Royce. Bill poked his head out from the car's window and began shooting at the boat. The bullets in the gun were replaced with flaming hot quarters that were hot to the touch. SpongeBob was driving so fast that Patrick ended up falling out from the boat. "Come back here boyio!" Patrick yelled as he began chasing after the boat too. Of course, SpongeBob ultimately crashed the boat into a lamp post so he, Sandy, and after finally catching up with them Patrick were forced to escape on foot. Bill and his two security guards were right on their case as large dollar bills appeared in the sky above the main trio.
Climbing onto the dollar bills, the trio were delighted to discover that these were actually magical flying dollars. Using the magical flying dollars, the trio were able to easily escape Bill who sank to his knees as he said sadly, "oh buggery. The boss is not gonna like this." I thought Bill was the boss of the Bikini Bottom Mint, but I was wrong friends very wrong. After flying for quite some time it would seem, the trio eventually managed to reach land again as they crashed face first into Ripper's Reef. Well nearly crashed into it as they were all able to jump off from their flying dollars just before it hit into the Reef. Both SpongeBob and Patrick got some serious PTSD from seeing the Reef after so many years. SpongeBob especially after his foolish antics caused himself, Patrick, and Larry The Lobster to fly into the Reef back in the Summer to end all Summers. All three ended up in the hospital, but SpongeBob was the least damaged by the incident and suggested having some more fun and asked what would Larry do. "What would Larry do? I'll show you what Larry can do!" Larry threatened as he began chasing a wheelchair bound SpongeBob out from the hospital. To this day, no one is quite sure what Larry did when he finally caught up with SpongeBob. But it's safe to say that SpongeBob has never been quite the same sea sponge since that faithful day. This is the real reason why SpongeBob and Larry are rarely seen together anymore. Wow what a sad story! Ha ha WRONG! Anyways, leaving Ripped Reef with the penny the trio were finally allowed to traverse to the next level; World 5: Medal Of Sponge.
The episode then came to show Otto arriving at the ruins of Go Kart Island. Looking around the Island, Otto came across the banana peel which Sandy had used to cause the destruction. "Banana peel." Otto remarked as he shoved the peel into his ear. Freddy Krueger then appeared from behind and shouted, "boo!" This caused Otto to jump into the sky in fear as Freddy remarked, "nice hearing from you Otto!" After recovering from the jump scare, Otto glared at Krueger and then proceeded to yank his fedora clean off. Freddy pulled an incredibly shocked face as Otto set the fedora on fire with his laser vision as he then began making his leave. Otto was slowly making his way through the seven worlds and was hot on SpongeBob's case. Better run Spongey better out run the Ottonator! Speaking of SpongeBob, Medal Of Sponge was probably the best level in the entire game. It was a Call Of Dufy style third person shooter though all the guns shot jellybeans. After watching this episode, I managed to get in touch with Nickelodeon and I asked them about the jellybean guns. According to them, the guns originally shot real bullets but they were forced to change it because it would be too dark. Too dark!? What a bobby jaguar! Anyways, the goal of this level according to The Game Keeper who was seemingly absent from the previous level due to contract disputes and him busy helping run the Corleone charities. The goal ahem was to assassinate General Staal and the entire Sontaran army. General Staal and his troops were planning on advancing onto the Capital of Bikini Bottom wherever that is. I mean I didn't even know that Bikini Bottom had a Capital I got to be honest. Luckily for SpongeBob and his gang, they would have plenty of time to think of a battle strategy as Staal and his troops were very dumb. They kept dancing and clapping their hands together because they didn't know that their days were numbered.
According to Sandy who had been studying the Sontaran for years, the Sontaran fleet are located in the clouds above France in a massive space ship. Oh and yes; this level takes place in France. I probably should have mentioned that part earlier shouldn't I? Well I didn't and for that I am truly sorry. After taking a back seat for most of the game, Patrick offered to take care of the Sontaran personally. "Patrick no! You could be killed or worse!" SpongeBob pleaded as he clutched onto Patrick's smelly face tightly. "Sorry SpongeBob but I'm tired of running. There's no place for running in a man's steak!" Patrick explained while really cheesy epic music played in the background which really just sounded like someone farting into a trumpet. "How do I get to the Sontaran Sandy?" Patrick asked Sandy who explained that according to Bing, the Sontaran have an inter dimensional portal of their own which is located at the local community college. Sandy then handed Patrick a super bomb which was shaped like a croissant. Sandy gave it to Patrick because she thought he was shaped like a croissant. Well she's not wrong. So, Patrick made his way across the fields of France and eventually reached the local community college. In Patrick's absence, SpongeBob and Sandy busied themselves by fighting back against the held back reserve of the Sontaran who had been sent by Staal to eliminate the trio before they become a nuisance in his plans for world domination. In order to take control of the world, Staal planned on releasing a really smelly gas into the Earth's atmosphere which smelt so bad it can kill you. A single whiff can and will kill you! The trick with a Sontaran is to the hit back of their neck as that just so happens to be their weak spot.
Thankfully, SpongeBob and Sandy were able to fight back against the Sontaran armada using various condiments including ketchup and tartar sauce. Patrick meanwhile eventually reached the community college and was able to sneak past security easily by giving the only guard on duty a healthy dose of mega colon blow. Colon blow in the morning! Patrick had slipped the stuff into the guard's ritual protein shake right before he was set to attend an audience with TV show host and former street enforcer; Hook Hand. Yes that's seriously his name. Poor old Hookie am I right? There are no bathroom breaks allowed during the show and each recording takes about two hours. Oh dear that poor security guard! Should of taken a pre-game dump before going to meet with Hook Hand that's the golden rule! It took some time but Patrick eventually got his bearings and in just a couple minutes he knew the entire college layout inside and out. He headed inside the college's lab and discovered the portal with General Staal standing beside it reading a book on stocks. "General Staal I've come for you!" Patrick proclaimed as General Staal turned to face him and asked, "how do you know of my name? I will look into your eyes." He removed his helmet revealing his head to resemble that of a baked potato. Patrick nearly let out a laugh but had hold it in out of fear of Staal sending a hitman after him. "You and your puny little planet are going to be sorry that you ever messed with me." Staal said as he used the portal to teleport back to his ship. The Sontaran hadn't even conquered the world yet and yet they were already doing their celebration chant. Patrick got ready to teleport himself onto the ship in order to make the ultimate sacrifice, but he was replaced at the last second by the security guard from earlier who wished to die after he embarrassed himself on public television. "Sontaran? Ha!" The security guard proclaimed happily as he pressed a button on the acorn button much to the shock of General Staal and his troops. The entire ship subsequently blew up and took all of the Sontaran on board including Staal with it.
Patrick had no time to mourn the death of the security guard as a large blue portal appeared above him and took him inside of it. It was time for World 6: Scandinavia. On this world, Otto was waiting for our heroes as it took place on a massive field in the middle of the country. Otto pointed directly at SpongeBob as he said, "I have been looking for you! Now it is time for you pay!" This level's goal was simpler than Simple Simon. Defeat Otto in a wrestling match. SpongeBob charged towards Otto, but this proved to be a rookie error as he was lifted high up into the air by Otto and was thrown to the other side of the smelly field. Otto was an incredibly powerful man or well robot and it took him no time at all to defeat SpongeBob and Patrick. Even Sandy was no match for him and his immense strength. Knowing that Otto could kill him very easily, SpongeBob offered to make Otto breakfast in the hopes of spawning a successful spin off show entitled SpongeBob Makes Breakfast For Otto featuring Ray Ramano as a chemist who gets way too much screen time. Ramano came to be the show's breakout character which is why the name would later be changed to Ramano And The Real Breakfasts. That's when SpongeBob hatched an idea as a large light bulb appeared above his head. According to The Game Keeper, SpongeBob had to defeat Otto but he never did say it had to be in a wrestling match I made that part up to sound cool. Didn't really work though did it? SpongeBob huddled into a circle with Sandy and Patrick and said, "I have a plan. Now I'm not saying it's a good plan but it might just work." The plan was simple or at least the way SpongeBob explained it made it sound simple. They were going to defeat Otto by amending fences with his arch nemesis Digs who had just purchased a factory in Scandinavia which mass produced scarfs. Not very good scarfs as they were proper itchy and gave your neck a nasty retch. The nastiest retch you ever did see.
Sadly, Otto and Digs failed to redeem themselves and establish a friendship as Digs was still incredibly racist towards Otto and suggested that he get himself a face lift from Bellworth's Plastic Surgery Centre in Downtown Bikini Bottom. Suddenly, Patrick appeared dressed as a massive king chess piece and he somehow managed to mould Digs into a ball and rolled him out of the front door. Digs rolled so much that he ended up rolling all the way down the roads never to be seen again. With Digs gone, Otto on SpongeBob's persuasions took control of the scarf factory and converted it into a bear sanctuary. Sadly in the end, Otto was no better than Digs as he did not play nice with the bears that were under his care. He would force feed the bears marshmallows and force them to post for pictures which he would then post on a website which is so dodgy I shan't give you a link. Oh no I shan't! At this point I was getting very angry which is very unusual for me as I'm typically a very plastid little Easter Egg. I demanded that Kevin shut the DVD player which caused McSad to place his hand onto my shoulder as he said, "don't be sad friend be glad for this DVD is teaching you that friendship is a ship that never sinks. Does that make sense?" "Well I see!" I said very happily which caused McSad to gag violently. He gagged so much that he actually had to excuse himself from the room for a brief moment. Back to the episode, and it was finally time for World 7; Living In Musical Dreams. Oh before we go on I should mention that before leaving the factory, SpongeBob won himself a peanut shaped guitar from a claw machine located in the man lobby of the scarf factory. Now World 7 appeared to be based on Squidward's dream sequence from SpongeBob Battle For Bikini Bottom, but there was no golden spatula to retrieve. Instead the goal of the level was to reach Squidward's nose which had Mr Krabs sitting on top of it.
Living In Musical Dreams was all about the presentation gentlemen and by that I of course mean it was almost exactly like that level in SBFBB with SpongeBob this time accompanied by his friends being forced to traverse across a series of floating musical notes. Just as SpongeBob was about to reach Mr Krabs, it turned out to be nothing more than an elaborate red herring set up by The Game Keeper who informed the trio that they had many more tests to complete before they could even think of saving Mr Krabs. This bonus levels included preparing chocolate eclairs for Richard Bagg and his fraternity brothers. The eclairs were delicious but Richard ended up attracting the unwanted attention of a big chungus sea monster who wanted to shove that éclair up his arse. The reason? I don't know sport I guess. There was also a level which involved Sandy finally figuring how much a log rhythm is worth. She knows the answer now, but refuses to give it out as she claims the answer is so mighty it might give you a bad case of salmonella and good lord we can't have that can we? Other bonus levels included walking over boiling hot coals, destroying food kiosks which were selling spicy foo, and fishing for clams. After passing all of these bonus levels, SpongeBob and his friends were presented with the final challenge by The Game Keeper. The final challenge was straight and to the point Defeat The Game Keeper in a wizard's duel. Sandy and Patrick were forced to sit this one out and were both thrown inside of a large cat carrier.
The Game Keeper made the floors beneath SpongeBob crumble into dust, but that's when SpongeBob dawned a wizard costume of his own. Using the peanut guitar he obtained from the claw machine earlier in the episode, SpongeBob was able to fight back against The Game Keeper using the power of music to his advantage. Ultimately, SpongeBob was able to defeat The Game Keeper with his musical prowess. After getting defeated, The Game Keeper stripped out of his wizard costume and reverted back to being just regular old Squidward Tentacles. "A deal's a deal." Squidward said as he began twerking which caused SpongeBob and Patrick to pull incredibly shocked faces. A large blue portal appeared above the main cast and they all jumped through it and were delighted to find themselves back inside of Squidward's living room. Relaxing on the sofa, Sandy said with a smirk, "I have to hand it you Squidward; you sure do know how to make a great game right Mr Krabs? Mr Krabs? Mr Kra.... oh bugger!" To Sandy's utter shock and horror, she and the others had never bothered to rescue Mr Krabs from the void of no return. "Wanna have another go?" Squidward asked while holding up a dice. "You're on!" SpongeBob laughed as he, Patrick, and Sandy each took turns rolling the dice much to Squidward's delight. It was time for him to do it all again! After that, the episode ended with no credits instead cutting to a SICK clip which had a gnome named Jerome standing outside of a bishop's bedroom. Jerome didn't say anything but his mere presence was enough to make me just a little uneasy. I shot up from my bean bag and hit the eject button on the DVD player. The DVD player didn't eject and instead responded by shooting out some Genco Pura Olive Oil which got all over my fancy new throw rug it did! That's when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SAW! For what I saw could not have been human.
It was a large half human half turtle monster thing. He had a bald head and he had eyes. Custard eyes! "Turtle!" The Turtle Man proclaimed at the very top of his lungs before introducing himself as Mr Turtle a hitman for the Palantic Corporation. They'll do anything for prime real estate don't ya know? "What are you doing here?" I questioned to which Mr Turtle responded with, "oh am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club?" Mr Turtle used to be a normal stand up comic living in the Bongo Hills and he gained recognition for his impersonation of Al Pacino. Well until the real Al Pacino threatened to sue and Mr Turtle was forced to clean up his act and move to Bazooka City. Sadly his time in Bazooka City changed Turtle when he became a member of The Turtle Club a highly boring and highly smelly social club who only accept the richest of bone marrow. Mr Turtle was fooled by the name and thought he had to be a turtle in order to gain membership which is why he settled on becoming the horrid half human half turtle hybrid that we all see before ourselves this very day. His birth name wasn't even Mr Turtle as his real name is actually Pistachio. Mr Turtle attempted to extort me by annoying by so much that I would be forced to pay him protection money. In order to annoy me further, Turtle who just so happened to be carrying a Proton Pack was able to suck up Slimer much to the horror of Alister Ant who cried, "oh no not Slimer!" Allister then began crying as did McSad. I expect that kind of reaction from McSad but not you Alister. Alister, you've changed.
While I tried my best to explain to Mr Turtle why extorting a summer camp was not a very good idea, Kevin Cruise and Wilford Wolf came back from the canteen holding a black cauldron which was filled to the brim with boiling hot green mustard that could melt shoes with ease. I catch on and put my arm around Turtle as I pull the smelliest face known to man kind as I proclaim, "won't you sell me car insurance?" "Turtle!" Mr Turtle cried as he slowly began backing away from me only to end up tripping on his shoes as he hadn't bothered to tie them. Turtle ended up falling back first into the boiling hot green mustard. I wiped a tear from my eye as Turtle slowly boiled to death. One hour later, we all sat down to watch Netflix and helped ourselves to a lovely hot bowl of turtle soup. Oh and unfortunately Alister freed Slimer from the proton pack and the pair started making out much to my disgust and Wilford Wolf's delight. "So what did you think of the episode Sal?" McSad had asked me as I drank from my bowl of turtle soup. "It was alright." I admitted as my father Massimo appeared from behind me having heard the entire exchange with Mr Turtle. He hadn't bothered to make his appearance known until now though for whatever reason. My father put his hand on my shoulder as he said, "you did good Sal real good. Heck you did even better than good. You passed the test!" "Test? What you talking about?" I inquired to which my father responded with, "oh can't you see Sal? I was playing you right from the very start. Mr Turtle doesn't work for Palantic Corporation; he works for me!" Yes indeed, my father had hired Mr Turtle in the hopes that I would kill him as my father wanted to know if I truly had the skills to pay the bills. As a reward for getting Turtle out from his hair, my father rewarded me by promising to pay the rent for Sun-N-Fun Island from now until the end of time itself.
After learning of my father's deception, I had to say I was not very happy not Siree I was not! I pulled out a large wooden spoon while McSad pulled out a chainsaw, Slimer pulled out a proton pack, and Alister pulled out a jar of toe nail clippings. Seriously Alister you've changed. "Uh what are you all doing?" My father asked curiously but he quickly put 2 and 2 together and started making a break for it. We spent the rest of the day chasing my father around the entire summer camp, and I'm happy to report that following the death of Mr Turtle everything worked out just fine. Sun-N-Fun Island finally managed to gain some traction after I scored a deal with the local prison camp who offered to send some of their prisoners to my island as my activities did more damage to them than the prison's punishments could ever hope to. I was very polite to the prisoners as they struggled to make Marconi art. I got right up in their faces while they were working as I proclaimed, "oh that is very nice indeed!" Also, McSad eventually learned to shave off his smelly beard and got married and Alister packed up his bags and moved back to Ant Island where he got a job as a local bishop. Probably the best thing for him to be honest. And so to conclude, always remember to believe in yourself and you can achieve great things because that's totally what this story was about right? Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for camp fire songs. Oh yes, let's gather around the campfire and sing our campfire songs. This is Salvatore Torini signing off!
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