Don't buy used condoms off of eBay

I was sitting in bed one night next to my wife Barbara, and, as usual, she was disturbingly amorous.
"Oh, go on, George. Tonight is our anniversary. Let's have some fun."
"It may be our anniversary, Barbara," I said, peeling her hands off me. "But need I remind you that we have 18 children sleeping next door and the last thing we need is a 19th!"
"We wouldn't have so many children if you weren't such a cheapskate and bought some condoms now and then."
"Barbara, the price of prophylactics is ridiculous! I refuse to give in to daylight robbery simply for the satisfaction of your carnal desires."
Barbara rolled her eyes and switched off the light.
The same day the following year Barbara once again tried to initiate the act of sex between us by molesting me.
"Barbara, please! Get your hands off me. Need I remind you-"
"You needn't remind me anything." Said Babbs, my wife, smiling. "I bought protection."
She pulled out a small box from under the bed and opened it in front of me to reveal a collection of condoms.
"But, Barbara, where did you find the money to afford these?"
"It's nothing." She said. "I bought them cheap off of eBay. They've already been used, you see, so obviously they're more affordable. eBay is great for a deal."
"Well, OK."
Now despite what you might think, I do enjoy making love to my wife Barbara, and my previous reticence was purely of monetary origins. So we had sex using the used condoms and it felt pretty good.
I'd like to tell you our lives were all plain sailing from then on, I mean, why wouldn't they be? But mine is a cautionary tale, one full of woe and tears. Not two months later, Barbara discovered that she was pregnant again with out 19th child, or so we thought. Being the duteous, and somewhat confused, parents we were, we went down to the doctor's to discuss our options.
"Doctor, we don't understand it." I said to our family GP, Dr. Benzwald. "We even used protection. So are not sure how this pregnancy has occurred."
Dr. Benzwald raised an eyebrow at this, knowing me for the thrifty individual that I am.
"Where did you get this protection?" He asked.
Me and Babbs looked at each other.
"Well, we got it off the internet of course. We're not made of money, doctor."
The doctor nodded is head, thinking something over.
"Were they used?"
"We used them several times."
Dr. Benzwald sighed.
"How's your penis?" He asked.
"My penis is covered in bleeding sores, Jeff, but I fail to see what that has to do with anything?" I asked, perturbed.
"And Babbs, your vagina?" He continued.
"Well, it's incredibly itchy. Incredibly."
Dr. Benzwald took his glasses off. Something which I had never seen him do before.
"You see, despite the apparent harmlessness of buying used condoms off of the internet they can carry with them some unforeseen consequences. And I have some shocking news for you."
Dr. Benzwald talked us through the terrible truth. The innocent mistake we had made whilst trying to save a bit of money. Oh, if only we could go back in time and revert this terrible error! Our blood tests returned positive for hepatitis B, C and HIV. We both have syphilis and super gonorrhea. The new baby growing inside Barbara, my wife, was not our own, but the eBay seller's, BigBoy66. Our life has become a bit of a mess. So the next time you are looking for cheap, second hand condoms online, remember they are not always a good idea!
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep