Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic the Hedgehog (Japanese: Sonicuu uwu Hedgehoguu) has been described as a video game series created by Sega, which centers on a blue anthropomorphic hedgehog by the name of... well, Sonic the Hedgehog. Typically, this "Sonic the Hedgehog" hedgehog must gotta go fast, collect rings, jump up and down in muddy puddles, free the animals, grab the seven Chaos Emeralds, and tin foil his archvillain Eggman's plans of world domination.And by "world domination", we mean creating a theme park (how evil!) Since its inception in 1991, the Sonic series has spawned many different titles, each one of them of wildly varying quality; while the Genesis games were side-scrolling platformers, the series has since expanded into other genres, such as edgy third-person shooters, sword-based Medieval adventures, and God of War clones where Sonic morphs into a werewolf and uses his stretchy arms to fight.
However, those who are more experienced with this subject matter are aware that there's more than meets the eye. The Sonic the Hedgehog franchise has created a cult of raging fans of such weirdness and depravity that it could perfectly rival religions such as Christianity and Scientology in terms of both fierce idolatry towards an imaginary concept and complete bat fuck insanity. The truth is that Sonic the Hedgehog is more than just a video game franchiseit's a religion of its own.
==The Old Testament==
===Conception and Creation===
thumb|upright=0.7|As it turns out, the Lord created one being faster than Sonic.
In the beginning, there was Zork. Zork begat Space Invaders, Space Invaders begat Asteroids, Asteroids begat PacMan, and PacMan begat Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong begat Super Mario Bros., and Super Mario Bros. begat the NES. And everything was peaceful in the realm of video games, until a new challenger approached; a challenger by the name of Sega. Sega grew jealous of Nintendo's legacy, and in all its envy and hatred, it begat the Master System. Being a child of envy, the Master System was an abomination, but it begat a twin: the Sega Genesis.Or the Mega Drive, if you're unfortunate enough to live outside the USA. And the Genesis was the genesis for a new universe, a universe by the name of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Taken from the Book of Genesis, verses 19:9–1:
===Golden Age===
thumb|upright=0.7|Unfortunately Tails wasn't carved from the same stone as Sonic.
And thus began the first of many battles between the fast blue one and the slow fat one, who would be named Dr. Robotnik. Whence Sonic's original purpose was fulfilled, the Lord blessed him with him with a sidekick, who was his to do with as he pleased. And his first of disciples was known as Miles, but preferred to be called Tails. From thence, the duo rebuffed their efforts to defeat the fat one, and many a mighty battle ensued. These are chronicled in the second chapter of the Book of Genesis:
Taken from the Book of Genesis, verses 19:9–2:
And thus began the first of many battles between the fast blue one and the slow fat one. They brought many great victories to Sonic in the name of the Lord, who showered him with blessings. The first of these were a pair of television shows, which brought great happiness to many for years to come.
Taken from the Book of AoStH, verses 19:9–3:
Upon returning from the success of his second adventure, Sonic was "blessed" with a dedicated twelve-year-old fangirl, who was to be named Amy Rose, pursuing him 24/7, installing hidden cameras in his home, immune to restraining orders, more skilled in infiltration than Tom Cruise on a string and hornier than rhinoceros in heat. Following the Book of the Disk-compression of Genesis, Sonic was blessed with a second disciple, Knuckles, and a third adventure, which was to be considered his best yet.
Unfortunately, these good times were not to last.
==The New Testament==
===Return to (and speedy fall from) Glory===
After a hiatus of several years Sonic resumed questing against Robotnik, who had undergone intense rebranding as "Dr. Eggman", and was polite enough to wait for Sonic. When Sonic returned, the Lord decreed that he must enter the 32bit realm and do battle there. And for a time, all was good; so says the Book of Adventures.
Taken from the Book of Adventures, verses 19:9–8 and 20:0–1:
In his frustration, the Lord grew restless and began to lose his sanity, and began to make bad decision after bad decision, and "gifted" Sonic with disciple after disciple until he proved the phrase "twelve's a crowd", thus given in the Book of Heroes.
Taken from the Book of Heroes, verses 20:0–3:
Salvation briefly came when the Lord gave in to the superior handheld console prowess of its old rival Nintendo, and Sonic sought to conquer the realm of the DS with the aid of his newest disciple, Blaze the slightly warmer than normal. And it was a great success, his return to 16bit glory documented in the Book of Rush.
Taken from the Book of Rush, verses 20:0–5:
In a sudden unexpected turn of events, the Lord decreed that Sonic must race for his pleasure against a green abomination whose voice was known to have all the properties of a belt sander: loud, rough enough to skin a cat in seconds and shouldn’t be left near children. And it was laughable, but had its charms, and was if negligible effect to his reputation, and the event was recorded in the Book of Riders. We will not quote the scripture here, as the coarseness of the green abomination’s voice was recorded to such detail that reading the scriptures of the Book of Riders will result in permanent brain, spleen and selfesteem damage.
===The Apocalypse cometh===
Through his years of mediocrity, Sonic had angered the Lord to the extent that he created a great curse upon Sonic, which is documented in full in the Book of Horrors. The Book of Horrors explains in full the sheer wrath the Lord can inflict upon Sonic and his disciples. No matter how Sonic protested, it was demanded that he be stricken down in the year of the number of the beast: 2006.
Taken from the Book of Horrors, verses 20:0–6:
Upon realizing his error, the Lord grew merciful, and in his infinite wisdom [sic] he granted upon Sonic and the hedgehogs of the apocalypse and their respective amigos, a Deus Ex Machina: He smote the villains and struck down the beast in a bizarre twist of events which caused all the events of the Book of Horrors to never happen and the book itself to disappear from existence.
===TIME PARADOX!===
Upon realizing his mistake, the Lord decided to redeem (or at least try to) his messenger on Earth by splitting into pieces and making him put it back together again. He was once again curst with an annoying sidekick for his previous indiscretions. And while the Lord meant well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and Sonic's daytime sojourns were smote by turning into Mr. Stretchy Werewolf at night and wandering through cities of clueless buffoons.
Taken from the Book of Unleashed, verse 20:08:
After the restoration of the Earth, the Lord decreed to his disciple that he shall relive the days of his youth twice. However, this decree was flawed, and resulted in Sonic traversing through lands too resemblant of the lands of which he traveled before and easily completing his second adventure by using his best friend as a spinning wheel.
Taken from the Book of Episodes, verses 20:10–12:
===A New Hope===
The Lord, tired of this worthless charade, was willing to give up. No matter how many times He had tried, the blue hedgehog simply wasn't the same as it once were. But then, a light shined unto the Lord: why not take what made Sonic so popular, copy it, and release it again as a new thing? And so, Sonic Generations was born. And it worked. The blue hedgehog once again received positive reviews. It was a miracle.
Such was the success that Sonic Generations was, that the Lord tried it a second time. And it worked again. This time, He didn't even hesitate to make the game on His own; instead hiring a bunch of nerd fanboys, which brought him Sonic Mania. And then the Lord did it a third time, creating Sonic Forces, which was a flop; but then they did it a fourth time, creating Sonic x Shadow Generations. And it is expected they'll make a fifth and a sixth time too.
===Blessings and curses===
On the heels of his Generation adventures, Sonic was given the great blessing of a moviefilm. Unfortunately, this blessing turned into a curse, as upon the first collision with reality, the phailed spectacularly, and all involved deeply offended the Lord, who curst each and every one of them. Every one of them except Jim Carrey, cos that's just a bad idea.
James Marsden was curst by not dying painfully during the filming of the abomination, something which has haunted him to this day. Keanu Reeves was curst with the all acting skills of a 2x4 plank of wood, although this curse backfired when Reeves starred in John Wick5 and never moved a face muscle for two hours. Tails was curst to be the first victim of the evil of fan-fictions, consigned to participate in acts unmentionable and have the eyewitness accounts posted across the internet for all eternity.
Sonic bore the worst fate of them all: he was curst with becoming an awful abomination for days to come. His horrendous once-charming face was carved into the stone of history, as he was now but a funny meme in the internets, as the youth calls them. He would not be viewed by his fans the same way anymore; instead, he would be feared as a horrible monster. For quite some time, it appeared Sonic hath reached the end of his rope.
The reality is that this franchise was never fated to cause good, as it had always been but the child of the resentment that the Lord bore for Mario. And such will be this its cursed fate, until the end of times.
==See also==
*Ecco the Dolphin
*Puyo Puyo
*Super Monkey ball
*Crazy Taxi
*Yakuza
*Michael Jackson
*Why?:Does Everyone Hate Sonic the Hedgehog?
==Notes==
==External links==
*A look inside the mind of the average Sonic fan
 
Category:Video game franchises
Category:Video games
Category:Religious works
Category:Autism
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