Declaration of Gin-Dependence

The Declaration of Gin-Dependence is an historically forgettable piece of parchment signed by thirteen of the foremost town fuck-ups in a local tavern on the outskirts of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, just before the outbreak of the American Revolution. It is just like the famous Declaration of Independence except that it was signed in a pub by a small group of inconsequential, inebriated alcoholics rather than by dozens of the foremost citizens and statesmen of the American Colonies. The two Declarations are very similar in that the Declaration of Gin-Dependence hinges on irrational fear and paranoid rantings caused by physiological substance addiction. This contrasts with the Declaration of Independence which was spurred on by impaired judgment and irrational fear and subsequent terrorism started in a Boston harbour caused by exposure to a fairly common phenomenon at the time (and now): taxation. Other than that, they have nothing in common. 
==The Declaration is Draughted, Distilled and Signed==
All thirteen of the habitual drinkers who signed the Declaration of Gin-Dependence were part of the regular crowd that gathered every evening ateo Tom's Alehouse just off the Quaker Turnpike. They were mostly cousins, children of Swedish migrants, who mostly spend the day as poop-smiths in the stables around Philadelphia. At nine o'clock on a Saturday night early in 1776, each of the thirteen men drank two bottles of gin and began arguing over their distaste of Dutch immigrants, while projectile-vomiting. Their mood became increasingly dark as they succumbed to an alcoholic paranoia of ongoing European Enlightenment, the serving of Dutch cheese in the bar and the other patron's obsession over some King and parliament on the other side of the ocean.
At first, they were completely unphased by the threat of a tax on Tea (a sissy drink) or the radicalism of anti-monarchism. But when someone suggested the British parliament would monopolise Gin sales and add a tax of a quarter penny per 100 bottles, the drunkards tore a blank piece of parchment from the accounting book maintained by the barkeeper and scribbled up a ridiculous manifesto concerning their "right" to swallow boot-fulls of gin and blackout in an alcohol-induced stupor at any given time, for any given reason. They then promptly each signed the "Declaration" and passed into unconsciousness. The also threatened to go on strike and not shovel manure for weeks until their demands were met. A few rampaged after setting alight multiple houses owned by hardworking Dutchmen.
The barman found the parchment underneath the head drunk lying in his own filth, and decided he had better take the Declaration and lock it away before it became soaked with urine and regurgitated gin. The document was discovered under the floorboards of Tom's Alehouse two hundred years later when the building was being demolished to make way for a Dutch alternative energy foundation building.
==Fatal Hangover from the Declaration of Gin-Dependence==
Treason, of course, was a hanging offense in the American Colonies as ruled by Great Britain at the time. When the thirteen men awoke with atrocious hangovers and double vision the next morning, they stumbled into the realization that they were now enemies of the state. They had barely slogged twelve steps across the street to the local Magistrate's office to blame their misconduct on adulterated liquor when, suddenly, a crowd of townspeople hailed them as heroes and liberators willing to die for the cause of American Independence. Before any of them could respond, a regiment of British regular troops, commonly known as "Redcoats," lined up next to the Magistrate's building and fired their muskets into the crowd, killing all thirteen of the men who signed the Declaration of Gin-Dependence. The men posthumously became known as the "Floundering Fathers" during the American Revolutionary War as a result of their bumbling step into the spotlight of patriotism, as well as their tragic misstep into deadly imperial gunfire.
==Anonymous Identities of the Alcoholics Who Signed the Declaration==
Historians concur that thirteen men signed the Declaration of Gin-Dependence, but not much else is known with any certainty. First of all, the bottom portion of the Declaration containing the signatures of the Floundering Fathers became soaked in 90-proof gin and caught on fire the night it was signed. Therefore, not all of the names on the document survived. Also, even where signatures remained legible, the signers only wrote their first names or nicknames: "Silly Joel"; "John at the bar"; "Davey, still in the Navy"; "Paul the Real-Estate Novelist"; and the "Old Man who whacks off in his gin."
==A Transcript of the Text of the Declaration==
Although most of the signatures of the Declaration are lost to history, the text of the actual body of the document remained intact. What follows is a transcription of its pointless, drug-addled words:
The Declaration of Gin-Dependence: A Transcription
==Conclusion: The Nation Remains in Recovery==
It has been centuries since the Declaration was signed, but Gin-drinking Americans have finally taken the first step towards recovering their heritage by acknowledging the document as a crucial piece of their collective identity. Leading producers of gin have capitalized on this development. Tanqueray, for example, has begun distributing a limited-edition "Floundering Fathers" release of its famous gin that comes in a special collector's-item tippler. The Floundering Fathers gave up sobriety and were given death, but the true nectar of the gods - gin - lives on to this day.
So bottoms up, and Cheers!
==See also==
* Great Britain
* Alcoholics Anonymous
* Alcoholism
* Gin
* King George
* Addiction
Category:History of the United States
Category:Booze
Category:Alcohol