List of massacres

This list is incomplete. You can help by expanding it. Please don't expand the list by killing people.
This is a list of massacres which may or may not have occured throughout history. 
== Ancient and Middle Ages (to 1500) ==
Date 	Name 	Deaths 	Location 	Summary
36 AD 	Massacre on the Fjords 	11 	North Sea 	A failed peace conference between Scotland and Norway over the custody of the Shitland Islands results in the deaths of several Scottish and Norwegian sailors (as well as one Swedish escapologist but nobody cares about him).
437 AD	St. Valentine's Day massacre	Unknown 	Venice, Italy 	The future Saint Valentine goes on a wild killing spree brutally murdering every man, woman and child in his native village. Mailing the hearts of his victims to the mayors of neighboring villages. One of the mayors, Valentine's ex-wife Valerie, raises an army against her estranged husband only to fall in love with him during the battle. Oddly enough it was after the crazed Valentine had thrown his own feces at her. Women, huh ?
1332 	Dodge ball Massacre of 1332 	Unknown 	Switzerland 	A particulrly vicious game of dodgeball results in the killing of hundreds. It has since been claimed that the victims were eventually ressurected as the first Zombies, which were used by the the Swiss Monarchy against the Easter Bunny.
1453 	Constantinople 	c.10,000	Byzantine Empire	Following the fall of the city, the Ottoman Turks rock star trash the Greek Orthodox population for three days.
== Modern (from 1500) ==
===1500 to 1799===
Date	Name 	Deaths	Location 	Summary
1520	Massacre of the Chickens 	c. 100	Mount Parma, Italy	
During the Battle of Salmonella between the separatist Meatballists led by St. Alfred of Parma and the Sauceist fundamentalists of Chef Boyardee, warring rival factions of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a group of British pirates under the influence of LSD battle a number of chickens led by Foghorn Leghorn who are mercelessly tortured and executed following their surrender.
1702	The Iverson Massacre 	20 	Kawagucci Island 	During the Pirate-Ninja War, a group of 20 pirates and ninjas under are ambushed and killed in an attempt to capture Michael Iverson and a small ninja group holding out on Kawagucci Island.
1763	The Warsaw Massacre of the Robot Nazis	15,000	Warsaw, Poland 	Over fifteen thousand Robot Nazis are killed defending Warsaw against the attacking Duckists before looting and burning the city.
===1800 to 1938===
Date 	Name 	Deaths 	Location 	Summary
1770-1912	Turkish Massacres 	Unknown 	Turkey 	Nobody cares.
1843 	Rudyard massacre 	80-120 	Rudyard, Michigan, United States 	In what would be the only battle to be fought during the Upper Peninsula War, a force of 2,000 Michigan Militiamen under the command of Lt. Tyler attack a small group of around 500 Canadian milita occupying the town of Rudyard. After sustaining heavy casualties, Tyler's forces begin executing the surviving Canadians and local residents.
1866 	Wonderland Massacre of 1866	Unknown 	Wonderland 	Shortly after the publication of Alice in Wonderland, obsessed fans of the memoirs rushed to Wonderland where they began hunting the indiginous Cheshire Cats shooting at anything that moved. Within a short time, the population was greatly depopulated and the majority were forced to flee to neighboring Funderland, Sealand, Fairyworld, Crackland and Alaska. Those which remained, resorted to petty theft and crime becomiong a large part of the areas criminal element frequently attacking tourists.
19X4 	Athiest Massacre of 19X4 	Unknown 	The World 	As part of a planned campaign of terror by the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, founding members Richard Dorkins and Isaac Asimov murder countless parents and school children while Carl Sagan flies a plane into St. Peter's Basilica.
1919 	Boston Molassacre 	2100 	Beantown 	The Boston Molassacre was the first of several incidents in the first half of the 20th century in which sentient molasses escaped from its tank. In this case, it snuck up on random people and smothered them in a sticky fluid that didn't allow them to breathe. This was the only incident of this kind that resulted in deaths, as later escapees prefered to flee and live a peaceful life in the forests of Canada eating moose and maple syrup.
1922 	Lightbulb Massacre of 1922 	Unknown 	New Santa Fe, Pennsylvania, United States	A mob of angry Amish farmers burn down the neighboring city of Handlebrigsenburg in protest against the passing of a sausage-link tax recently introduced by the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture and Commonwealth Defense.
1932 	The Great Apple massacre 	10,000 to 40,000 	Chicago, Illinois, United States 	Following a military coup outing El Salvadorian President Manzano de Tierra, an apple-led uprising under Granny Smith captures several towns and injures almost 100 people within three days before military forces wipe out the revolt exectuting between 10,000 to 40,000 apples.
1937-1938	Great Purge 	680,000 to 1.3 million	Soviet Union 	In Soviet Russia..ugh forget it.
1938 	Night of Broken Glass 	0 	Germany 	
After an argument with his mother, 27-year-old Jim Freklowski threw his glass sippy cup on the floor, which shattered beyond repair. Luckily, he was able to conceal the damage using a dust pan and some Brawny paper towels.
===1939 to 1945 - WWII===
Date	Name 	Deaths	Location	Summary
1940	Katyn massacre	25,700	Poland 	In one of the great unsolved war crimes of World War II, the bodies of over 10,000 officers of the Polish Army are found in the Katyn forest in the former Soviet Union. After decades of arguing between the Polish and Russian governments, both countries brought charges against American football player "Packman" Jones in 2003 accusing the 24-year old of sole responsiblity for the massacre and later forced to appear before the UN War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague, Netherlands.
===1946 to Present===
Date	Name 	Deaths 	Location 	Summary
1979	The Great Chao Massacre of 1979	1 to 99,999,999,999	Chicago, Illinois, United States 	An attempt by Sonic the Hedgehog and others to storm the White House results in the deaths of millions of defending US soldiers.
1978	Jonestown massacre 	879 	Jonestown, South Africa 	All but 14 members of the People's Temple, a traveling circus, mysteriously die after eating Kibbles n' Bits which had been laced with cyanide by Rev. Jim Jones.
1988	Mountain Meadows massacre 	150 	Utah, United States 	On the run from the FBI, the Francer-Young Party are ambushed by a group of Dark Side Mormons in the guise of Indians. Mormon leaders Karl Rove and Tony Blair are claimed to have killed at least 38 women and children single handed.
1997	Heaven's Gate mass suicide 	39 	San Diego, California, United States 	A batshit insane cult leader known as Applewhite convinces 39 people to commit suicide to join aliens patrolling above the Earth. They were kicked back in the Universe by the ETs when they realized there was not enough space for them in the craft.
1999	Columbine High School massacre 	15 	Jefferson County, Colorado, United States 	In one of the deadliest school shootings in American history, leading high school students and all star athletes Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold launch a terrorist attack against their school armed with high-powered potato guns, a sawn-off Red Ryder BB gun, slingshots, waterbaloons and semi-automatic pellet rifles wounding three teachers and killing numerous Goths before fleeing the area after self inflicted wounds from their potato guns.
2001	September 11, 2001 attacks 	2,973 	New York, Virginia, Pennsylvania (United States)	Drunken Confused amateur pilots crash into the Twin Towers as part of a promotional stunt for the cancelled Space Ghost Coast to Coast motion picture.
2006	Boston massacre 	5 	British colony, now US state of Massachusetts 	As a direct result of the centuries-old rivalry between Boston and New York, two Red Sox fans are gunned down by visiting Yankees fans.
2006	St. Patrick's Day massacre 	Unknown 	Topkea, Kansas 	Hundreds of people die as a result of a drinking game between Al Capone and Steve Balmer in which Ballmer attempted to imitate the high pitched screaming of Howard Dean.
2007	Blood Gulch massacre 	c.100,000 	Unknown 	The breakdown of peace negiotiations between the Blue and Red Teams results in a disasterous battle of "Capture the Flag" resulting in the deaths of thousands on both sides.
2007	Virginia Tech massacre 	33 	Blacksburg, Virginia, United States 	Several people suffer various shock-induced injuries during the opening performance of playwright Seung-Hui Cho's Virginia Tech Massacre.
== References ==
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Category:Military history
Category:Riots
 
Category:Jim Freklowski