Lighten up

Lighten up, muthaphucka!
 Everything is going to be okay. Just stop it. 
I don't like it when you're like this, Tommy. Sure, I know you're in a really bad situation. But you need to look on the bright side of things. It's not over! It's not over 'till you say it's over!
Oh, cheer up Tommy! It can't be that bad!
Is it really?
== What about your dad? ==
Now, Tommy, what can be so bad that your father did? Rest assured, your father is a tasteful, honest and kind man and I'm sure whatever he possibly did that hurt you was not of his own intention.
What?! He raped you?!
Now I'm sure that, Tommy, if he touched you inappropriately you have a way out. You can talk to the police! They'll find him and lock him up! He'll be sorry the day he messed with you, Tommy! Rest assured, you're in safe hands, Tommy. For with every obstacle, there is a solu--
What? He threatened to kill you if you told anybody? Well that can't be possible. You know that he wouldn't
do anything to that to his own flesh and blood! No way! Too much guilt, even for scum of the earth like him. Don't worry, Tommy. He's probably all bark and no bite! Yeah, that's it. Just do what you know is right; rat him out.
Pardon? You're adopted? He killed his first son because he ratted out on him, and then they adopted you? Well excuse me if I find this little story a bit out of proportion! Your life isn't that bad, Tommy. You just have to tell on him. It's the only way to get out of this situation. You know it's right.
== What's this about life at school? ==
Don't worry, Tommy. It's natural for kids like you to dislike school. I mean, you can talk to your friends about these things, I bet they'll all agree that school is a "drag", as kids say these days. Am I right?
What? You don't have friends?
Well now that can't be true, Tommy. Everybody has friends! I mean, I'm sure there's somebody at your school who thinks your pretty cool. For I thought that same notion when I was your age. I thought I had no friends. It turns out there was a person who thought I was a good person, and we quickly became pals!
Maybe they're all just jealous because you're smarter than them all. I mean, that's usually the case in school. Well I had a friend named Ryan when I was young, and people didn't like him that much because he was on Principal's List. I wonder where Ryan is now? He's probably the CEO of some huge company. Yeah, that's it.
 What? You're either borderline passing or failing miserably in all your subjects? Ummm... er... maybe your grades are the reason people don't really talk to you. That just gives you another reason to work harder in school, doesn't it? Yeah, I'm sure that's it. Or maybe if you report your father to the police people will start talking to you, feeling sorry for you, and you'll get friends!
That's not it? Oh Jesus, what's the problem now, Tommy?
== Oh Lord, not Aunt Sheila! ==
She was such a nice person! She always put a smile on my face with her jokes. Oh Lord, why hath thou taken away such a wonderful person?
Oh, no, no, Tommy, don't start crying! That wasn't my intention! I'm sure she really wasn't the only one who cared about you! I care about you! Yeah, you have a friend in me! Don't worry, buddy, I feel for you. Anyway, I'm sure she died peacefully of natural causes, or perhaps she was doing what she loved!
What? She was run over by a car? Well that really stinks. I mean, it's not even dramatic or anything, just one day you walk across the street and bam. Your life is over. Oh how tragic. Well, Tommy, at least this teaches you to look both ways when you cross the street, right?
Lighten up, Tommy, life is only what you make of it. You're depressing me, you need to stop crying. Please stop crying. Now follow me.
Inhale... Exhale...
Inhale... Exhale...'''
Once you have a positive attitude about things, things start to get better around you.
Now I'm sure someone as wonderful as Aunt Sheila will go to heaven. It's only fair.
Oh come on. You don't have to be atheist because things suck. You just gotta keep your head up and be positive.
 What? You've had a positive attitude? 
== Miscellaneous ==
And then you almost got hit by a truck? And got robbed? And witnessed a murder? And then your favorite show got canceled? And then you got beat up at school? And then you got raped by your father? And then you cried yourself to sleep? And then your Aunt Sheila got run over? Boy that sucks.
I mean, um... lighten up! Your life doesn't stink! I mean, we all go through hard times, some more than others, but still! Cheer up! I'm here to support you! Don't worry about anything! (Oh who am I kidding with this?) Um... yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna go have a little happy juice... what's this, Tommy?
You're thinking about suicide? Well that's only natural, Tommy. We've all at least thought about it. But I assure you, you haven't exercised all your options. Running away from home is a better solution in your case. You can find a better life somewhere else.
= Just lighten up, Tommy! =
Things get better when you lighten up! I know you're skeptical now, but really!
Tommy? Tommy, put down the weapon!
TOMMY!!
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Category:Things that make Baby Jesus cry