Bryce Harper

Bryce Aron (really fucking cool name) Max Harper is a professional MLB player who has spent time with the Washington Internationals and the Philadelphia Pillows. Harper was primed to be one of the best ballers in history, being referred to as "The Chosen One". However, just as Anakin Skywalker had darkness lurking beneath, Harper has a history that could end up causing utter destruction to the multiverse. But for now let's talk some ball.
==Early life==
Harper was born on October 16, 1992, in Gamblers Paradise, Nevada. His mother is known dommy mommy Ava Max, and his father is [REDACTED]. As a child, Harper knew his destiny was to become the greatest baseball player of all time. He finished middle school with 893 missing assignments, but by then he had already been recruited to the Vegas High ballers to be a bat. Harper destroyed all the high school kidz, and ended up getting his GED to graduate after his sophomore year. Graduating high school early is something Neel wishes he could've done, but unfortunately he cannot rub balls...
In the 2010 college season, no pitcher could stop Harper's reign of dominance as he batted 1000 and hit a college record 560 home runs. After just his first year of college ball, he dropped out and opted in to the MLB draft. When asked about the situation, Harper commented: "School's lame. What the fuck is a parabola!?!?"
==International takeover==
After an intense game of Monopoly, the Washington Internationals won the first overall pick of the 2010 MLB draft. They knew the only logical choice was to take the "Tool" player that was Bryce Harper. He found Washington to be a perfect destination, as he was particularly close to the US Governments main base of operations.
====Lil League====
In his first year of minor league ball, Harper once again blasted children. He took his team to University of Phoenix fall championship league, and ended up carrying his team to a victory royale. While in Phoenix, Harper hooked up with a Blonde Barista and even befriended her pet snail.
At the start of the 2011 season, Harper sucked absolute ass and needed to go see Jit's dad to get his eyes checked. Jit's dad told him "You have the worst eyes I have ever seen!" Harper was offended by the statement, clapping back with "Your son sucks at smash." Still, Harper was given intergalactic contact lenses and was told he would never suck again. Towards the end of the season, Harper slid too hard into third base and got the entire base stuck up his asshole. He had to get surgery and missed the rest of the season.
====Rookie of the Century====
After Ryan Smith stole a toilet and got kicked off the team, the Internationals called up their top prospect in Harper. In his debut, Harper got his first career hit off Chad. However, Harper comforted Chad after the game because he got dumped by some shitter named J4. The following months were legendary as Harper stole home plate and never returned it.
On June 12th Harper ended pride night early against the Blue Gays, after he hit a jerkshot 800ft. After the game, Harper was asked by an interviewer if he was gunna get hella wasted in Toronto, where the drinking age was only five. Harper responded by REALLY SAYING "That's a clown question bro." Harper ended up trademarking the phrase for whatever reason.
Harper was selected to the All Sex game in just his first season, filling in for Giancarlo Stanton after he said the usual words. After the all sex, Harper began to struggle once again and sued Jit's dad. He became a hater, and stopped playing with the internationals for a short period. He spent his time training at Astros stadium instead, which many people found odd. After about a month in Houston, Harper came back to Washington and balled the fuck out. He was named player of the month in September, never getting out once. This final month secured him the NL Rookie of the century, and ne was now beginning to gain the publicity he needed.
====Prodigy Son====
In 2013 and 2014 Harper continued to be good as he went to the all sex again, and had loads of sex. In the playoffs, Harper homered twice off Hunter after his grade got leaked by Mrs. Trongale. In he 2014 offseason, Harper was spotted again at Astros stadium. He said he needed to get a special surgery in Houston, and he later came back with a Dark Matter infused shoulder.
2015 was Harper's first MVP season. He put up the single best season of any hitter since Barry B Benson in 1901. He became the youngest MVP in MLB history, and was selected as the PornHub cover model. This gave him brand new worldwide connections that were extremely valuable.
2016 and 2017 were interesting years for Harper, as he brought out his inner Manny Machado. On May 9 2016, Harper was suspended for getting in a fight with umpire Black Knight. Harper specifically waited until the game ended to shout profanities at Knight, ending his yells with "Lame Ass Tier 100."
Harper had a second incident on May 29 2017, when Hunter returned and wanted revenge for the two home runs. He threw a 500mph ball at Harper, in which Harper retaliated by beating the shit out of Hunter and starting the Third MLB War. This war was fatal for one player, Mickey Mouse, after he absorbed a fireball from Hunter aimed at Harper. When asked about the death, Harper simply said: "A small price to pay for salvation."
In Harper's contract 2018 season, he once again did very well. However, the Internationals nearly had a trade placed that would send Harper to the Houston Asstros in exchange for LJ "28" Hoes. Harper couldn't let this happen because it would draw too much suspicion. He personally tracked down LJ Hoes, told him that it was a "canon event" before giving him a fatal backshot. Hoes is the only player in MLB history to die after already being revived. Harper ended up finishing the season with the internationals and received a guacamole jacket from his successor Juan Soto.
At this point in his career, Harper knew he needed a championship if he wanted to become even more powerful. If he didn't get one, someone would not be happy...
==Pillowdelphia==
====Jinxed====
During the 2019 offseason, Harper was the most sought-after free bird. The team he ultimately landed with were the Philadelphia Cheese Steaks, when he signed a contract just a penny higher than Manny Machado's. As you know, Manny beat the shit out of him. During Harpers introductory press conference, he misspoke when he said, "I want to bring a title to DC." This one mistake from Harper turned out to be life altering, as it gave the Internationals motivation to go on a magical run and win the World Series. Harper knew he was severely fucked, as he just blew his chance of getting a championship. As punishment, he was captured and sent to Asstros stadium for extreme experimentation.
====Intermission====
For the 2020 season Harper simply spent his time bonding with his new Cheese Steaks, specifically the catcher JT (Jumbo Titties) Realmuto. Realmuto came from the Miami Marshmallows previously, and was very familiar with Stanton's watch this magic. Realmuto was asked constantly by Harper if the power could be harnessed in some way...
Instead of playing baseball in 2020, Harper spent his time grinding the hella epic Marvel season in fortnite with Blake Snell. The pair combined for 680 duo wins, averaging 22 kills a game. However, on the last day of the season Snell got stuck at level 99 and begged Harper to gift him the final tier. Harper laughed at Snell calling him a broke ass bum and watched him cry as he couldn't get Iron Man.
In 2021 Harper tried his very best to get the Pillows to the playoffs, even finishing the season with his second career MVP. However, the pillows all got food poisoning from cheese steaks and they finished the season with zero wins. Harper was informed he had one last chance to get his team to the postseason, or else there would be casualties...
====Bloody Mary====
In the 2022 offseason the Pillows added two key pieces to their team. The first was Kyle Schwarbomb, a very fat lumberjack who couldn't play defense, but hit lots of home runs. Schwarbomb just came off a great postseason with the Red Sex where he touched many asstros non-sexually. The other player was Nick "Bad Timing" Castellanos, who also couldn't play defense but was notorious for always popping off when bad things happen. Castellanos has hit a home run during the holocaust, on 9/11, the day JFK got assassinated, both times Japan got nuked, and the day Daniel Camarena fell off Petco Park.
The 2022 season started off very bad, as Harper tried saying watch this and his elbow snapped in half. Because of this injury, Harper could no longer play defense either. This meant the Pillows had only one outfielder for the rest of the season, some shitter named Brandon with a ten-foot beard. Things got even worse in June, when the Pillows came to San Diego. Blake Snell was even more mad at Harper than Hunter was, and Snell sniped Harper in the hand with a blue fireball. His hand shattered to pieces, and he was out until September. At the very least, Castellanos homered after Harpers hand broke.
Harper was approached by agents of darkness, who were ready to assassinate Harper for his failure. However, he told them "Let my bois cook!" Lucky for Harper, his bois absolutely cooked. Schwarbomb made 600 errors on the field, but he evened it out with 800 home runs. Brandon managed to play left field, center field, and right field all at the same time while still being an elite defender. Jumbo-Titties Realmuto continued being the best catcher in baseball while also stealing home plate every game. Castellanos went crazy after Russia invaded Ukraine, where he hit an MLB record 36 consecutive home runs. The Pillows were still fighting for a playoff spot when Harper returned, but they secured it after he went on a crazy hot streak. When asked about his hot streak, Harper sang "I JUST HAD SEX!" Despite making an MLB record 16000 errors, the Pillows snuck into the postseason for the first time since 1891. Harper was thrilled, as the money he would make from playoff baseball would help fund his projects. To honor the "City of Brotherly Love" the Pillows had Philly Cheese steak themed group sex.
====Red October====
In the first round of the playoffs, the Pillows faced off against the St Louis Kardashians. The pillows killed the entire team, except for Nolan Arenado who Harper thought would be a valuable ally. In the next round, the Pillows faced off against their division rival Atlanta Cowards. The cowards were an absolute superteam, loaded with testosterone. However, the pillows came in cock and loaded. Harper homered twice and veteran Rhys Hopkins-Lymphoma hit an absolute crapshot in game3. After the stunning upset over the Cowards, the Pillows had gained worldwide recognition. Harper managed to get a meeting with Kim Jong Un after this series, but what they discussed is unknown.
The next series for the pillows they faced the San Diego Dads, who also managed to beat a superteam in the LA dogs. The Fathers came loaded with Manny Machado and Gary Soto, but even they were not prepared for the home run derby put on by the Pillows. Game4 in particular saw Rhys Hopkins-Lymphoma hit eight separate two-run homers, an MLB record. Even though Juan Soto hit an avocado nuke in that game, it couldn't stop the onslaught by the cheese steaks. Game5 saw Rhys Hopkins hit yet another two-run homer, but the dads managed to fight back in the 7th inning to make it a 3–2 game. In the 8th inning, Jumbo Titties Realmuto ran to first base when no one was looking, and the Padres put in Robert Revilla instead of Josh Hater for some stupid ass reason. Harper came up to the plate, and with one swing he hit the ball out of Philadelphia. This ended up winning the Pillows the championship series, and Harper was named NLCS MVP. Although he spotted Juan Soto shitting on his couch, Harper now felt relief knowing how much power he was gaining from these awards.
Everything lined up perfectly for Harper, as he faced off against the Houston Asstros in the world series. Harper was mysteriously missing during the first two games, but the pillows still managed to win game one after Castellanos made a game-saving catch in the 9th inning. This was the first time in his career that Castellanos caught a baseball. The next three games in Philadelphia were alright like, but game6 saw Yordong Alvarez obliterate a baseball 9trillion feet. Yordong was tested for "Watch This" symptoms, but all they found was a snake in his pants. This won the Asstros the world series, but it did not matter to Harper, who immediately disappeared after the game ended.
====Run it back====
In 2023 Harper began the season on the IL after getting an atomic arm. Rhys Hopkins-Lymphoma also tore his knee doing ballet on the field, and would no longer be able to play for the pillows. At the very least, the Cheese Steaks added Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner, to their team. Although, like many other teammates, he could not play defense. The pillows did even better in 2023, finishing with 160 wins and a new MLB record 38000 errors on the field. Harper decided that he would recruit Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner, after watching him pop off in August and September. While many think Trea Turner, brother of Megan Turner, popped off because of a standing ovation, it was actually because Megan Turner, sister of Trea Turner, became an AP Lang teacher.
The Pillows did unspeakable things to the Miami Marshmallows in the Freaky Card series. The NLDS saw the pillows face the Atlanta Cowards again, and in game1 Harper hit a cockshot with his own cock hanging. In game2 Harper was thrown out at first after an insane defensive play by a black guy. In the Cowards clubhouse, it was leaked that a player named Orlando Arcia was making fun of Harper, saying "Atta-boy Harper!" Harper was extremely pissed off hearing that, and in game3 he hit two home runs against the Cowards. As he ran the bases he screamed "Atta-Bitch Arcia!" The Cowards stood no chance that day, as that is when the Israel–Palestine war began. Castellanos hit two absolute nukes.
Before game 4, Arcia got clowned by Pillow fans who kept yelling "Atta-Bitch Arcia!" Arcia couldn't take it anymore and began shooting people in Philadelphia before getting arrested. During the game, Castellanos hit two more nukes as the war was still going on very strong. Trea Turner, brother of Megan Turner, also hit a cockshot for good measure. The pillows ended up winning and secured their second straight postseason win over the Atlanta Cowards. In the NLCS, the pillows faced the Arizona Diamondback-shots. All went well at first as Schwarbomb, Harper, Castellanos, Realmuto, and Turner kept hitting home runs nonstop. However, before a crucial game6, Harper was informed that he needed to go to Houston immediately. He decided to bring his teammates with him, leaving Brandon forced to play all nine positions by himself. Brandon got absolutely clapped and the Diamondback-shots advanced to the World Series, where they did their gay celebrations.
After the 2023 season the five Philly Cheese Steak players were reported missing and an FBI search squad was sent out to look for them...
==Secrets revealed==
[THE CONTENTS OF THIS PAGE HAVE BEEN RESTRICTED BY SAMUEL INC.]
[ WE STRONGLY ADVISE ANYONE TO STAY AWAY FROM INFORMATION REGARDING THE WHEREABOUTS OF BRYCE HARPER]
==Epilogue==
====Jit's dad====
Jit's dad ended up losing his PhD after being sued by Harper for faulty contact lenses. Being left jobless, Jit's dad began spending his time training his son to become an elite Smash Bros player. He hopes one day that Jit will be good enough to beat that loser YezzKid.
====Ryan Smith====
Ryan Smith returned a year later after stealing a toilet from Eastlake shid school. He would end up graduating and becoming vice president to Johnny. However, Ryan Smith was fired from Vice Presidency after he was caught stealing Johnny's paperwork.
====Chad====
Chad went completely off the grid after he got clapped by J4. However, rumor has it that he called every UC and personally asked them to ensure every Bestie got rejected. It worked.
====Hunter====
After having his grade leaked by Trongale, Hunter spent the rest of his days living in embarrassment. Luckily, Trongale was found dead by the hands of Chris Taylor and Hunter was able to change his grade back to 100%. He went on to graduate and become a literal hunter.
====Black Knight====
After getting called a Lame Ass Tier 100, Black Knight wanted to make it up to all Fortnite players. He added future counterparts Ultima Knight and Eternal Knight to ensure that every player would recieve a Dope Ass tier 100. Black Knight was given a Nobel prize for his contributions to the Fortnite World.
====Brandon====
Although he put up a historic one man outfield in 2022, Brandon's career completely fell apart after getting railed by the Diamondback-shots. His beard got torn off and he lost all ability to play baseball.
====Rhys Hopkins-Lymphoma====
After tearing his knee in 2023, Hopkins-Lymphoma was signed by the Milwaukee Water Coolers for 2024. While he started off good, he got diagnosed with Non-Hopkins Lymphoma and was forced to retire.
====Robert Revilla====
After blowing the NLCS for the San Diego Dads, Robert was still given a contract extension by them since Josh Hater chose the Houston Asstros instead. While Robert has since been an elite closer, he has become depressed because his cousin is a faggot.
====Yordong Alvarez====
After showing everybody his Yordong, he went on to kill the Minnesota Twin Towers in the 2023 postseason, before he got erectile dysfunction versus the Texas Racists. He is still recovering.
====Orlando Arcia====
Arcia recieved life in prison for shooting up Pillows Stadium, and became cellmates with Julio Urias. After just four months, the two managed to escape the prison and fled for Houston. However, Arcia was found dead right outside the entrance of Asstros Stadium. Urias's location is unknown.
==Post-credits scene==
It has been nearly a year since Giancarlo Stanton broke all his bones breaking into . As he lies in his hospital bed, he is approached by Samuel. Stanton is excited to see him as a visitor, since he is the one who gave him his magical powers back in 2017. However, this time Samuel is here to take away the power, not give it. Stanton is forced into a coma as Samuel begins extracting blood samples from him.
After collecting nearly 300 liters of Watch This blood, Samuel leaves Stanton in the hospital and returns to his lair in Houston. He finds the Blond Barista, who was playing with her pet snail. He gives her all the blood, informing her that she has a new ingredient for her coffees...
Category:Baseball players