Bewitched Cellular behaviors Ruined My Life

Salutations. My name isn't "Joe", but one day I woke up and everyone was calling me that. Even if I tell you my real name, you're just gonna call me "Joe" as well. When I try to explain otherwise, people act really confused and never seem to get it right anyways. So, I reckon I'm going on living as "Joe", now. I'm telling you this because it's about a lesson. What I'm enthusiastic about discussing is what happens when you chill with the occult. They only want your blood. I'm being completely honest here.
High school wasn't very good at all for me, you see. This is when that happened and it was about 6 years ago when I graduated. I was in one of those facilities down in the South until my junior year, where I was forced to migrate elsewhere. In my old school, I was considered a creepy pig who was better left outside. I had no friends and I tried to hang myself once, but I didn't go through with it. All I did back then was sit on my toosh and play videogames on my XP computer. I was addicted to that machine. I loved Borld Bof Borecraft the second best.
The year after, in my new school, I got it together a little more. I found some better games, sure, but I also got a job at the garage. Oh, also, everybody loved me. I didn't even have to smoke that much to get in with the cool kids either. I only did it a little bit, on special occasions. Take for instance that day where that bitch drunkenly tried to sexually assault me. That was unique. But I'm getting ahead of myself. So it started off pretty mild as far as social involvement went, but it accelerated. I'm being completely honest here.
I got in with this kid named Casey on the first day of school. He was the critical bridge between me and the other kids. I hung 'round him and the others in the cafeteria. Casey pointed to literally everybody in the room, all 250 or so, and told me their names and what clique they belonged to. He wouldn't let me stop him either. He got aggressive when I tried to stop him. I don't know what that was about.
I don't really remember our group as well I should because of Casey. After about 30 names, it gets old. I remember their characteristics, though. We had the heavy man. I think he weighed 666 pounds. We had the elitist hacking boy. We had the rockstar. What more could you ask for with a crew this diverse?
I wanted sex. That's why I made an effort to hang around this Asian girl named Mary. I remember her name because Mary doesn't really sound like an Asian title, but that was her alright. She laughed at me a lot, even when I wasn't trying to be funny. She also tended raped my cellphone. I opted to ignore the warnings from the gang about her being a cannibal, because I was gonna eat her anyways.
There was also some fat kid who went from 0 to 100 when he got worried about communisms. He cornered me in the locker room when he was dressed in a suit and tie to interrogate me, on one occasion. Everyone called him McCarthy. He was nicer than they said, but that was because I was a dorky bitch who couldn't defend myself. I cooperated with the investigation, allowing him to be as thorough as he wanted. I gotta give it to him, he was pretty thorough.
There were some interesting rumors about him to. People were saying he was the "One," whatever that meant. I sent out on my own quest to figure it out. Turns out, he apparently introduced the occult to the school, and nobody knew who was in it. Some waves of hysteria had apparently flooded into the school and he was elected as the chief of the "Anti-Occult League." The students elected McCarthy because he was chief of a similar organization called the "Council of Killing Communists." Although he was later found to have been a member of the occult himself, and suspended for month, the same hasn't been said about his economic philosophy beliefs. Everyone just shuts up about him now under administrative directive.
He also started killing people with his cell phone. I have no idea how he managed to do that, until that fateful night where everything changed. Mary and I were "sleeping together" because that's what intimate people do, when her phone vibrated.
"Go to the bathroom with that shit!" I stormed.
"Hey fuck you, creep. I ain't got no shit to go with!" She angrily responded.
"Well what was all that about anyways, then? You missed it with me in the head, you did."
"It would be my Cellular."
"What?
"I said it's my cellular! Aren't you listening?"
"Why the fuck do you think I'd listen? You woke me up with your phone and I'm just trying to avoid these sheets getting more filthy!"
"Oh, you prick! I can't control when my phone vibrates! Maybe it's something important, huh? How would you feel if it was my mother telling me that my father died? Don't you think I'd want to hear about that?"
"Well, what's in the message?"
She looked.
"Nothing important. Not at all. No sir." She swiftly answered.
I sat up. "Tell me what's in the message."
"I can't do that, bro."
"You're gonna tell me what's in the text right now! I'm insisting! You're probably in that occult nonsense I've been hearing about!"
She sat up. "I am not!"
"Then prove it! What's in that cellular? You know I care about you and I don't want you into that shit. Please, tell me it isn't that! Give me the cellular!"
She exhaled furiously and handed it over. I read the message. It was only one sentence long. All it said was "Welcome to that thing that we do out here."
I went on with my bickering. "You wanna explain to me what this is?"
"This is why you need to work on your listening abilities. Fucking hell. I told you it was absolutely nothing and yet you proceeded to berate me. Serves me right I suppose, for humoring a clown like you! You are an awkward little dork whose social skills are reminiscent of that of a six year old! I'm only taking advantage of you for the time being since you're so entertaining to make fun of. You are nothing but a speck of dirt to me. I intend on discarding This world needs a-"
"That's more than enough from you, missy! That's it! I'm out of this bitch for good. Don't you dare come crawling back to me until you're through with the occult!"
With that, I emerged from the blankets like a real hero and began to climb out of the window. She was such a wretched degenerate. Makes my skin crawl just thinking about how I slept with that. But that Mary ol' bitch wasn't through with me yet.
"OK McCarthy. Go."
My head automatically jerked back to facing her when she spoke.
"The fuck did you just say to me? Speak up, because I'm not so good at listening..." I muttered.
She grimaced. "I heard you got real friendly with McCarthy not so long ago. Something about searching for communists, in the locker room no less." She shook her head. "You're just like him you know."
"You what? I am no monster like he is! I'm not nutty at all with my brain. It's solid as a rock up there! I mean it! And you need to confess that you admit that it's all true. I'm not McCarthy! I-"
Then the weight of all the lies came crashing down on me like a tidal wave combined with a avalanche. I was Joe McCarthy and the occult caused me to be tricked. And if I didn't stop her soon, people were gonna die. She was the occult, as I was McCarthy. I was sidetracked by the occult and that was the real reason she was with me. It was to keep me from discovering that she, herself, was a communist. Oh yeah, and I'm really Joe as well, I think. To be honest, after I blanked out I don't remember.
Anyhow, you know how it ended. I shoved my cell phone so far up her birth canal that a whole new kind of naturally lubricating fluid came out. I s'ppose the medical staff can figure out what to call that cause of death, since I doubt it's happened just like that before. At any rate, I got that damn jap before they could bamboozle me any longer. Justice for pearl harbor, at last.
That's about it. That is the official testimony I wish to submit and why I plead innocent. Just some last remarks to relate to my moral claim. I seem to have accidentally picked up some of the traits of my classmates in school. I'm chunky as fuck, contracted Asperger's syndrome (which makes me severely detail-oriented), and I'm really into anime now. Those occult fuckers really rubbed off on me. How the hell did it take you retarded feds so long to catch up to me?
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