WanderingVagabond

Yesterday, my brother's father was even more of an ass than ever before. He was looking for his scale that he rarely uses. So he asked my mother to help him look for it because her clothes was in the way. Keep in mind, most of the stuff in the first hallway closet is his stuff. When he moved in the apartment back in 2007, most of his stuff took up 95% of space in the hallway closet. My mother's clothes didn't/doesn't take up a lot of space. She refused because she wasn't in the mood to look for something that was his because a) it's 4th of July, b) it the first to last day of her vacation from work, c) it's his scale. I've mentioned before that my brother's father is lazy as fuck, most of it is due to his alcoholism and shiftlessness.
My younger brother wanted juice but my mother said no, and that he should have water instead. My younger brother drinks water, 5% of the time, juice 95% of the time. He asked his father, but said he should ask my mother. My mother wanted to inform my brother's father that she suggested that my brother should have water because juice is mostly what he drinks and she didn't want his father to get the wrong idea about refusing to give the kid juice.
Then of course his father starts getting belligerent as usual trying to start a fight with my mother. My mother wasn't having it, so she just ignored his angsty bullshit. Later when he was looking for his scale, he was throwing my mother's clothes on the floor looking for his scale. My mother got upset, picked up her clothes and was throwing his junk on the floor. He came into my room trying to 'show' me how my mother is throwing his stuff on the floor because I always jump to her side whenever he gets belligerent. I told him to fuck off in a polite way by saying I could care less and he just left it alone.
He always wants to find fault in others but can't for himself. It's no surprise he feels 'disrespected' because I don't bother to mutter a few sentences only when things are needed to get done. I've mentioned before I'm tired of his bullshit and these past now going on 8 years he's been living in my current home is irritating and I have no intention of wanting anything to do with him.
I'm liking my new job so far. Earlier this week it was my overnight shift and I had to do inventory with a few others. The aisle I'm assigned to from now is the easiest one to stock and doesn't take long. The problem was this time around it was a little congested. The giant cart was in the way and tied, a few boxes in my way. Like the genius I am, I tried working my way around it. I'm the new guy and I hate having to bug my assistant manager for every little thing, though I'm still new to the job and should ask questions. I took a lot longer restocking shelves and the night was going quick. I had no break for food and water and was tired from the shift the day before and orientation earlier that day during my overnight. I didn't get much sleep Monday night when I came home and the orientation was several hours later. So that affected my workflow.
The assistant manager suggested I should be a little more organized in my area. While it was true I was unorganized, I felt like a failure because I wasn't 100% in my success flow. I was tired, hungry and thirsty, plus the aisle was really crowded. I was on the verge of breaking into tears on my way home Wednesday morning. I calmed down later and done more assessments. I know I'll do better next time and I'm still new and learning, but I hate feeling like a failure and a slowpoke. I've been doing well so far as the new employee but I hate failure. I guess being a perfectionist does lead to depression.
Lastly, since it's Summer I now keep my blinds closed. I do this to stay cool because it gets hot very quickly and harshly in my room. I notice I get very sad and blah when the blinds are closed. When the blinds are open I feel more normal. This happens during the late afternoon that I feel this way. But I keep my blinds closed for the bulk of the day and this has happened since Summer started. I'll do an experiment over the next week or two and keep one blind open and the other closed. I want to see how my mood changes. I wouldn't be surprised if I feel much better within the next few days. But since it's Summer and very fucking hot in my room, even with the AC or fan on, I need the blinds closed to stay cool. Plus I get migraines when bright light shines in my room. That's another reason why I don't have the blinds open.
==June 19th, 2015==
So the good news is that I got the job at a well known retail store that I interviewed for a week in a half ago. I start orientation this upcoming week. I'm really happy but at the same time I'm a bit anxious. My boss for the most part(haven't officially met him yet) seems like an okay guy. When he was going over what needed to be done after orientation I felt like I still don't have all my questions answered. He has a bit of an accent so I understand what he says and don't. My cell phone is aging and I need a new one. I start training next week but I'm uncertain if I start the day after my orientation. I will ask more questions when I go to the store branch I'll be working at after orientation is over.
I don't want to have to ask my boss again because I don't want to make it seem like I wasn't listening or am clueless. I'm not trying to get on anyone's bad side before I start working there although I do have an ex classmate that works at the store I'll be working at so I'm happy about that. I know I will do well but being anxious doesn't help. I'm writing in my journal as of an half hour ago though I stopped periodically to read this thread's progression and pacing back and forth around the apartment (I swear I'm convinced I have ADHD or some type of nervous condition).
There was an argument between my mother and my younger brother's father last night. If you read my previous posts on page 31, I think, my brother's father is an alcoholic and the belligerent shit bag who I used to call stepfather. Anyway he was shaming and guilt tripping my younger brother last night over not properly brushing his teeth and I guess use the toothpaste he bought. He made the boy cry and my mother didn't like it very much(it happens a lot, my younger brother's father guilt tripping him over shit that doesn't please him). My mother confronted him, non-violently about the situation and he got angry and pushed her out of her former bedroom which he occupies. I saw it and screamed 'drop dead' to him and he slammed the door. After that it was over. This morning, my younger brother was acting up and wanted our mother to tie his shoes. He was being disrespectful and she's deciding to go to court to relinquish custody to his father. I'm sure his father may confront me about telling him to drop dead last night.
He was ticked a couple of weeks ago because I pretended I didn't see him while he was coming out of his car getting some stuff out. I had an appointment that day was tired after coming home from a long commute and I didn't want to have any company by my side going into the building and elevator. He's upset that I disrespect him because I don't talk to his sorry ass and always speak to him with an angry tone and that I should respect him because he pays rent and the cable bills which I don't watch tv often. He always thinks I disrespect him but if I did, I wouldn't say thank you to him for cooking dinner or answering his questions when I really don't want to talk to him.
He's lucky that my mother and him tolerate him, because we could be far nasty to him than he imagines but we're the quiet, don't want trouble types.
If you read my previous spoiler posts on this thread you know the situation.
My mother is upset but I doubt she's actually going to go through with it but then again, my younger brother does take after his father 50% percent. The kid's been having a bad week because he had a restroom accident in school and was teased about it by his peers and thanks to his father's man-childish ways the boy's behavior is erratic.
In a way, my life is starting to improve finally, though there are still some problems. It just sucks that what happened these past few days with my brother and what happened last night all has to happen before I start my new job next week. I'll be seeing my father this Sunday. Although I don't want to (nothing personal against him I've just been tired and haven't been resting well) I should still go. I haven't seen him in a while and I'd like to, but I just want to be lax and lazy before I start working. It's not the best thing to do before starting a new job but I need some space. At most I will be working nights from what my boss tells me, but I need to gather up strength to interact with customers and new co workers. The worst thing about being an introvert is that you're so drained from interacting in higher doses.
My short term memory is pretty bad which is another fear I have going into this new job. I just hope I'll be able to hold down this job within the next two weeks. I know I will be I'm new to retail and I need the money for new clothes, etc and going into trade school next year. It's a lot to handle to be honest and I think that's where my anxiousness is kicking in.
==May 28th, 2015==
I'm having a talk with one of the supervisors I regularly volunteer at to discuss about joining the organization he's affiliated with tomorrow. But now I'm feeling depressed again.
I now can't volunteer as much I as I want to because my brother's father can't miss days of work, the same with my mother since no one can pick up my brother from school and soon take him to camp and back home. I feel as though that joining Americorps will be all moot. I'm just tired of living someone else's life and can't move on with my life.
I'm also concerned if going into a trade will not be a good route for me. Although I like working with my hands but that same doubt keeps coming back to me. I just don't know what to do as a backup. I thought about joining the military as a last resort. I'm 25 going on 26 at the end of the year and it's depressing I don't have anything in control.
If I try to challenge this and just say fuck everything, I don't know what will happen. My mother can't miss days of work. My brother's father can't miss days of work. My father is getting his life together. My older sister and in laws live further away from us. It's annoying to have your progress being an inconvenience and at the same time being told I don't bring money to the house or contribute to nothing around the house.
This is a bit a-logging but since it's a personal life issue but I just can't wait until my brother's father stops breathing. He's a shiftless, alcoholic, belligerent piece of shit that I don't know what my mother saw in him. I want to live by myself, have a successful life, have quiet and not have a life where I feel the need to run away.
It's just an inconvenience that my mother had to start motherhood all over again knowing that I was near adulthood at the time and my older sister is an adult back then. My life is so shitty that I don't know what to do anymore. I'm told I'm smart but I'm far fucking from it.
==May 22nd, 2015==
So it's been four days since I finished my 'final' semester at community college. I feel happy, accomplished, and ready to tackle the world in a sense, but I don't feel truly happy. I put air quotes on final because it's not truly my last semester. I have one class to complete and that's a Math course. I'm having a meeting with the disabilities department at my school to get it waivered so I can get my degree in two weeks. My academic advisor told me not to because it would mess my chances up of going to a 4 year school within my state's city college system but I just want my degree and don't have the money to pay for the last class. I've failed remedial Math several times since attending community college back in 2008.
There's like two parts of remedial Math, the basic and beginners algebra (aka mid and high school algebra). I failed the basic Math twice and passed the third time. Failed beginners algebra three times. So that messed me up last semester with financial aid and I had to take out a student loan just to pay off the remaining half of the tuition so I didn't get a hold on my student account to prevent me from taking this Spring semester which just ended for me.
As of yesterday I got back to volunteering with an organization that does construction work. I'm building experience because I'm going into a Trade pretty soon. I've been feeling great but also not great. The feeling great is because I have a sense of accomplishment plus I've met some cool and nice people these past two days. The not so great is that I'm procrastinating and not working on my writing, instead just wasting time on here (nothing against you all in general, I love coming on here when I'm bored or had a long day). I have finally realized what it's like to work a full day these past two days.
I feel like a loser for saying this but I've never had a steady job since turning 18. Sad and weird because ever since I was at least 14 or 15 I always wanted to work. I practically begged my sister to work at her old job whenever I was on vacation from high school but it didn't happen because her job was stressful and didn't want me to suffer through that. I had/have (still) learning disabilities and I maybe slightly autistic or have Aspergers. I wouldn't be surprised if I was an aspie because I can only be interested in a few things that'll hold my interest and talk the shit out of them.
Back to feeling like a loser part, I somewhat lost that wanting to work vibe at 16, because high school in my Junior and Senior were total shit (it started getting bad at Sophomore but that's not what this is about). Mainly because I hated nearly everyone in my social circle of associates for the exception of a few friends. That's the crummy thing about being in Special Education, you have a small group of people to hang with because you're afraid of everyone in Regular Education treat you like shit because your teachers spend an extra week on a topic they're already done with or don't read novels.
I suck at job interviews. I'm not sure whether I'm answering the questions fully, or don't have a whole lot of prior experiences, or my volunteering and city gov temp jobs were not enough to get me hired. I've job hunted since 2007 and didn't get my first interview til 2009 which I totally blew. I've gotten a little better a job interviews since but haven't landed a job. I've done job interview preps, attended a work readiness program in 2012 and had interview preps with one of the directors part of that program, still nothing.
It pisses me off that people who are more shyer, socially awkward, careless, etc than I am, get hired at jobs and I fucking can't. I won't say that my race could be a problem but I feel like Tatsuhiro Sato from Welcome to the N.H.K. sometimes but something is fucking wrong here. I've stopped blaming myself about the whole conspiracy BS. I don't even feel like a normal 25 year old. Some of my friends have a social and have fun but yet I'm the odd one out because I'm always broke, have mini debts, and just have little to no money when I do get paid.
I hate my younger brother's father (I've stopped calling him stepfather because he's a major piece of shit). My mother's known him for over a decade. At first I thought he was a cool guy. Before him and my mother were in a relationship and conceived my now little brother, he was over our place for a night and so and leave. Him and I like video games so it's the only thing that made things alright. Now why he's a piece of shit, is due to him being an alcoholic. That's not the cherry on top. He's argumentative, noisy, confrontational and violent. My mother and him were supposed to break up 10 years ago but since she's was pregnant with my brother, there wasn't much left to be done and they 'mended fences'.
When he moved in back in 2007 (4 or 5 months after I graduated high school) it was pretty much the end of mine, my mother's and my sister's quiet life. A week after he moved in, he got pissy because my mother asked him politely to clean up a pile of magazines he had stacked on a dinner tray and he knocked them down the whole 'because fuck you that's why'. When my brother got sick on Christmas day, that morning when him, my mother and his father were about to go to the hospital he shook her out of anger. I didn't see it but my sister did and she cried after they left. My mother didn't say anything that set anything off(don't remember what she said but it wasn't provoking).
Later he apologized and say it won't happen again. Over right? Wrong, several months later, something happened that I don't remember clearly but there was an argument (as per usual). So my mother and sister went out for a walk because it was just chaotic. My brother's father thought that my mother was going to cheat on him with a friend of her's (who I affectionately call 'uncle') she's know for over two decades now. So he waited outside the apartment until their return, yeah, not only he's a drunk, he's fucking creepy. Later that night, apparently my brother was crying (he was a baby then if you can tell already, this is 2008, born in 2006).
My mother went into the main bedroom(which was hers before his father moved in). She wanted to know what was wrong, he didn't say anything, she asked again, and he just flipped out saying 'leave me alone' jumping up and down like a lunatic, at 1 in the fucking morning for fuck sakes. He started a fight with her and she fought back. My sister heard the noise before I did and I woke up to the noise. After everything settled he left and came back later and went to work.
Later that day the cops were called and he was taken away. Before he left he hugged my brother and said sorry and cried. I didn't felt anything and felt elated to see him in handcuffs and taken away. My brother wasn't happy but I was. Seeing him get arrested was the best thing. A month in a half later, he returned after apologizing and there was a vote. I voted not to have him come back because I saw his true colors. Things were okay until 2009 my mother lost her job of nearly two decades and went back to school. I will make a part 2 since this is starting to get long as fuck.
So I was going to school, my mom was going to school, my sister was on her way to move out to her boyfriend's soon to be fiance home. From 2009 to 2011 same old bullshit, arguments here and there, back to normal, vice versa. One day in 2011, my brother's father offered to fix my laptop at a repair shop down the street from my neighborhood. I was relucant to say anything because I started lose trust in him more and more. I said I'll let him know. A month later my little brother was acting up because I took him to the park and he wouldn't listen to me because he wanted to go somewhere with strangers, these strangers were kids older than him, about 8 or 9. Anyway, he was fight me away and I had to phone my mother about it.
When we got home I told her what happened and soon went to my room, not saying anything to his father when he ask what happened. That was the start of me wanting to cut ties with him. Him and my mother got into a stupid argument a few weeks later and I yelled at him telling him to stfu because I had enough of his shit. He cursed out me back, but it didn't faze me. I felt good because all that bottled up anger and his disrespect towards, my mother, sister, the apartment we're currently living in since 2005(originally just me, my mother and sister) which now he's paying most of the rent since he makes more money than my mother and I combined. Since then I have not been on good terms with him. He still tries to get on my good side and show he's not a bad guy but since he's so toxic, loud, violent, slob, lazy, has a victim complex, drunk and can't do things for himself besides, drink, play video games, use his computer and not close cabinets, turn out the kitchen light when he's finished, and other things that makes him shitty, I reject his 'help'.
Yes I'm also to blame because I'm just making things just as bad, but when someone who you wanted to call family does nothing but disrespect your mother, your father, your sister, your brother(he's also a toxic piece of shit to his son too, my brother has a lot of problems because of him) and the place he yells a lot that he pays most of the rent, you just don't really care after a while. He's an okay person, but his bad outweighs the good a fucking lot.
Now that I'm in a new direction in life I'm considering joining this organization I've heard about recently. I'm doing some research and considering it. I'm trying to find a vocational school, but all the ones in my state has a bad rep except a few ones further up north, but I don't have the funds to rent an apartment or have a car. The only thing holding me back is my mother is aging(in her early 50s), works a demanding job that pays two dollars above the federal minimum wage, and my little brother has gotten worse in behavior(he's now 8) and his father is still trash. I'm afraid that she'll get more stressed out and won't handle their crap.
My mom would definitely want me to join because back in 2011 she urged me to join the military because I 'dropped out' of college, which wasn't the case. I planned on going back, but I wanted to get a part time job or two just to have my own tax statements so I wouldn't have to rely on her to help me get financial aid. I'm told Americorps is neat and I would only be traveling the country for a whole year. The benefits seem cool and could help my future. Just leaving her by herself makes me nervous as fuck. Although they don't argue as much, I don't trust my brother's father a whole lot. I'm considering telling my father everything that has happened since 2007 so he can look after my mother.
I'm afraid he'll get mad at me for not saying anything sooner because he worries and still loves my mother a fucking lot and I made a promise to him that I would protect her. My brother's father is a big guy and a drunk. I'm thin with a fast metabolism, I can't protect anyone. Plus my anger explodes furiously so I've held back from fighting him. I also fear that I may hurt him badly because of the pent up anger and his bullshit since 2007. I just want a new direction in life but I fear that my mother won't be safe so it blocks me just a little to join Americorps for a year. I need the money, experience and network badly. So right now, I'm facing a crisis.
Not only I feel that I won't succeed in a Trade because I've only decided to go down this path since this past November. I had wanted to go into the computer field and other fields but I don't want to be an office drone. I want my life to have meaning. The Trades and military are pretty much my 'if all else fails' backups. I love writing and have no other interests in terms of careers, though I like using a computer and being a procrastinator, but I need a career where I can live comfortably and help my mother and father retire. My father may have not been in my life since I was 5, but I still love him and he never denied me or anything bad. He had some problems and he's getting his life together which I'm proud of.
I don't want to end up a failure. My mother says the same thing my grandmother said before passing, that she won't always be there to turn to when I need help. So at 25, going on 26 this year, this freaks me the fuck out the most. I hate my home life a lot and have been since 07 and want a quiet life again. Right now I think joining this organization is a much better deal than what I have right now.
Category:Fag