David Farragut

David FarragutTorpedicus Damnino	David FarragutTorpedicus Damnino
 	
Height 	2'89
Weight 	195 pounds(30 on Pluto)
Religion 	Buddhist
Nipples 	none
Diet 	Sauteéd Pikachu
Conservation 	Extinct- Prehistoric
Status 	
David Glasgow Farragut (July 5, 1801 – August 14, 1870) was the senior naval administrator ("admin" for short) of the Unicyclopedian Navy during the American Civil War. He is remembered in popular culture for a famous order he delivered at the Battle of Mobile Bay. If you still cannot tell what this order was, there is no hope for you.
==Birth and Onward==
Farragut was born to Jorge and Elizabeth Farragut at Campbell's soup Station, near Knoxville, Tennessee, where his father was serving as a rhythm guitarist in the band My Chemical Romance. After his father was fired, he went home to his son and became a follower of the burning man festival. Farragut was dumped by his girlfriend, and, because he is the only teenager who has EVER been dumped before, he was forced to flee and join the navy. At only 13 years old, he was accepted into the navy as a midshipman. 
His first major battle was On August 5, 1864, in which Farragut won a great victory in the Battle of Emo Pikachu Shark indie-emo bands ninja hippie Hamster Bay. He sped past the ninjas,hippies emo- Indy bands and sharks with pikachus on there back, all with his 7 foot ship, the S.S. AOL (Life support pods now leak-free!) and his frigate The S.S Jar-Jar binks. All that was left was the torpedoes. David then stated " All my life.. I’ve been looking for something. Something to do... with that... and...oh yea, those fucking torpedo’s....damn it, damn the torpedo’s, full speed ahead! Lucky for him, hamsters, (due to the south’s lack of troops,) drove the subs and victory was soon had. David had a pwnage factor of 234.3(s.e)1/3 times the square factor of pie. Perhaps it was his skill, or his cool hat, or perhaps it was that the south used a bunch of plastic forks and knives from Kentuckistan Fried Chicken as battle weapons. Who cares, he won, deal with it. 
After he took the whole southern half of America, he gave it back to Lincoln because, lets face its, the south sucks. Lincoln took back and forgave the entire south, except for West Virginia that was beaten to death by a sack of black people due to its shitty cruise lines. He was then promoted to vice admiral, and after assassinating Hilary Clinton with a sock full of quarters and a victory at Fort Morgan over Admiral Franklin Buchanan, he was promoted to full Admiral. Although he mostly served in the Civil war, he also helps fight the pet control by having his pets spayed or neutered.
==Coming of age, personals and more info.==
He retired from the Navy in 1870, and began a short-lived career as a bass player in Smashing Pumpkins. He couldn’t play bass but he was a fucking admiral. I mean, who doesn’t want a fucking admiral in their band, unless they are a bunch of queers like My Chemical Romance. He has been nominated pope seven times, and is a playable secret character in Super Smash Brothers. 
He has been on the end of some cruel jokes lately, as The Yale Book of Quotations, claimed in 2006 that Farragut did not say the famous quotation. Who the hell are you? A bunch of fucking knows it alls from Yale, God, if I wanted to hear from an asshole id just fart. Go listen to Hawthorne heights you carpet munchers. He also created the death star, and was sucked into a video game by Jessica Simpson and her retarded pet clam Micromole.
After an amazing escape from the retarded clam Micromole, Farragut went on a murderous rampage and executed thousands of dirty Mexicans. He claimed that we should all have a happy mothers day and pass the taco. Help control your Mexican population by having your Mexicans spayed or neutered
==Conflict With Uncylopedia==
It all began after Dave’s 2nd deletion. Mimes began speaking and people who never really cared started to care about something they don’t even care about. Even Kayne west was outraged, as he stated:
Thus began his second great war against the admins. He knew that if he wanted to live he needed to fight.... he needed allies, he needed Oprah. Oprah's first move was to dig up James Browns dead body and hold a sitcom with it with special guests such as System of a Down. This was a flop, and Oprah was killed by Clinjas. But, all was not lost, for Dave had one more weapon. He was old, and smelled like lotion and doo-doo. Thus all opposing admins couldn’t stand him. The admins began raising an emo army, as David recruited people by giving them a five-dollar gift card to Hot Topic. Of course, Hot Topic sucks, so only 7 Goth kids came. This chart shall give you a Brief understanding of the war.
Unfortunately, all the emos killed themselves, and David and his fleet were lost. The admins sent a robotic pikachu to kill him.... and kill him they did. We shall remember him as a hero to this very day...
==Rising once more==
David Farragut was sent into Hell by the hand of Satan. He was forced to make PlayStation 360s by taping PlayStations and Xbox 360s together. In hell he met the locust queen, who in return for his cool hat, gave him his life back. He then accepted, and after getting to earth, killed the locust queen with a tuba.
==LUFA days==
David then decided to start a band. It was a spin off of Death Cab for Cutie called Life Unicycle For Ugly. The band members were:
* 40 percent of the black population (Bass)
* Gandhi (Drums)
* Drums (Beat Box)
* Jesus (Guitar)
LUFA's First single (Where shit meets asshole) sucked. In fact, it sucked so bad Only 6 people in the world have heard it. These six consist of Madonna And 5 woodland creatures.
Their second song(Crooked Balls) also sucked. God was forced to kill himself.
All of these awful singles where transformed into an album something like this, called "DAMN THE TORPEDOS, FULL SPEED 
AHEAD!
(Note that even though their band sucked, it was much better then U2, as U2 are a bunch of pinko commie bastards.) (Oh, and nice sunglasses, Bono. I bet they are protecting your eyes from the incuming cumshots of your fellow commie fans. Bastard.) Sorry, I'm rambling on again, back to the album cover.
==About those last two sections...==
Yea, we were lying, but what are you gonna do about it? In fact, David Farragut is currently dead. This article just proves your stupidity and you should go out and get a job, or go to school or something. Make sure to sit down when you pee. Sit Boo-Boo sit, good dog. Byah.
The following section is me, just trying to get to 8000 bytes. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. There, that should do it.
==The Big Questions==
*Q: But you said he was a member of the Uncyclopedian Navy. Why did he fight them? 
*A: He was drunk
*Q: Where did David Farragut get his hat?
*A: He won it in a Yu-Gi-Oh tournament
*Q: Where is David's Tomb?
*A: He was buried with Ghengis Khan upon request
*Q: Where can I buy Dave's album
*A: Check your local Toys'R'Us store.
*Q: What is his Zodiac sign?
*A: Shut the hell up you hippie.
Category:American folklore
Category:Admirals
Category:American Civil War
Category:Insomniac humor
Category:Dead people