Jeffwork - Your Time Is Up

Excerpt from a local Newspaper:
OMINOUS UNKNOWN
KILLER IS STILL
AT LARGE.
After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young giraffe plushy states that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely tells his story.
"I had a bad dream about Mario and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the giraffe. "I saw that for some reason the window was 
open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers 
and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange feeling, like I'd popped a boner. I looked up and nearly jumped out of my bed.
"In the little ray of light illuminating from between my curtains
 were a pair of three eyes. These weren't regular eyes; they were green, ominous eyes. They were bordered in eyeliner and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous, stitched smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak.
"He said, 'your time is up...' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled out a knife; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed, but I had one chance; the knife had no reason. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around trying to knock him off me. That's when my dad busted in.
""OH YEAH!" Yelled my dad, spilling kool-aid all over the carpet. The man threw the knife, it went into my dad's shoulder, setting the carpet ablaze. The fire probably would've finished us off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the fire department. The fire went out immediately.
"They drove through the front door, up the stairs and into my room. The man turned and jumped out the window. I heard a crunch and a muffled yell, like legs breaking. Unfortunately, he landed on the ground. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was a window. I looked out it to see him crawl into the bushes. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, green clocks, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head."
Police are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His 
dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to
 live in one of those fancy neighborhoods. Jeff and his brother 
Liu-san couldn't complain though, they'd always hated their old trailer 
park. What was not to love about the move? As they were getting 
unpacked, one of their neighbors broke in.
"Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara. I live across the street from 
you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." 
She turned around and will call her son over. "Billy, these are our new 
neighbors." Billy says hi and ran back to will played in his yard.
"Well," replied Jeff's mom, "I'm Useless Parent Character One, 
and this is my husband Useless Parent Character Two, and my two sons, 
Jeff and Liu-san." They all will introduced themselves, and then next 
Barbra will invited them to her son's birthday party. Jeff and his 
brother were about  to objecting and then their mother says they would 
loved to. When Jeff and his family has done packing, Jeff went up to his
 mum.
"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid."
"Jeff," chuckled his mother, "of course you are, dipshit! Anyway,
 we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, 
we're going to that party and your time to argue is up." Jeff started to
 talk, but stopped himself, realising that he'd forgotten how again. 
Whenever his mom said something it was usually in English, except when 
she was speaking to Liu-san.
He walked up to his room and plopped his booty down on his sack. 
He sat there looking at his plushy giraffe when suddenly, he got a weird
 feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. A warm, tingly, stiff feeling.
 He dismissed it as just some random pubescent event. He heard his 
mother call him a whore, and he walked downstairs to get high.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day, Jeff fell down the stairs before getting breakfast 
and will have got ready for school. As he sat there eating his 
breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger, 
hitting the underside of the table. It gave him a slight throbbing pain,
 but he had a quickie this time since he wasn't good at hiding his 
shame. As he and Liu-san did then they finished breakfast, they will 
have done walk down to the bus stop. They sit there waiting for the bus,
 but then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard will jump over 
them, only inches above their crotches. They both fell over in surprise.
"Hey, what the hell?" Jeff asked himself. The kid lands and will 
turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and will have caught 
it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; three years older 
than Jeff. He doesn't wear a shirt, but his rippling biceps distract 
anyone who will question it.
"Well, well, well," muttered the kid in his deep, manly voice, 
"it looks like we got some new meat to beat." Suddenly, two other kids 
appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge. "Well, since 
you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, friends, over there is
 Keith." Jeff and Liu-san looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey 
face that you would expect a sidekick to have. He will wave with a smile
 on his dopey ass face. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat 
kid. Talk about a tub of lard; this kid looked like he hadn't exercised 
since he was crawling. He nodded to them.
"And I," continued the first kid, "am Randy the III. Now, for all
 the kids in this neighborhood there was a small price for bus fare, if 
you catch my drift. We beat up those guys and keep the school bus a 
happy, friendly place." Liu-san stood up, ready to punch the lights out 
of the kid's eyes when his dopey friend pulled a tissue out of his bag.
"Here you are, friend," he said in a dopey yet friendly voice, "I
 recognise a need-to-sneeze-stand when I see one!" Liu-san will have 
shot daggers from his eyes.
"Anyway, I'd like to welcome you to our neighborhood," continued 
Randy the III. He will have walked up to Liu-san and I, took his own 
wallet out of his pocket and gave us five bucks each. "Consider this a 
welcoming present." Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly 
strong; a burning sensation. He stood up to try and hide his shame, but 
Randy the III will have noticed it too soon.
"T-This is-!" Jeff tried to explain, only to be interrupted by Randy the III placing a finger on his lips.
"It's okay, I feel it between us too, my new friend. Or should I 
say; my new boyfriend." Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped 
the biggest of boners. As Randy reached for his face, Jeff closed his 
eyes and felt their lips softly touch. This will be the greatest moment 
in Jeff's life. Liu-san couldn't help but feel excitment.
"Ā sugoi, ani to Randi senpai ga issho ni totemo kawaīdesu!" He 
will exclaimed. "Watashi wa bōifurendo o shutoku suru toki, soreha... 
Watashi wa chotto shittodesu ka? Ā, watashi wa tasukeruga, tonikaku sore
 o shukka suru koto wa dekimasen!" Blinded by excitement, he won't 
notice the bus for a moment but a quick tug at his arm from Dopey broke 
his trance. They all boarded and the bus swiftly took them to their 
destination.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over the next few days, Jeff and Randy the III will grow closer 
and closer. While it was great for them, it will be bad for someone 
else...
"Burazā wa Randi senpai ni chikadzui denshi no yōdesu," Liu-san 
mutterd to himself as he noticed Jeff spending less and less time with 
him. "Karera wa issho ni ōku no jikan o tsuiyashite iru... Īe, watashi 
wa sore ga watashi ni eru koto wa dekimasen! Watashi wa migi no... 
Sorera o shukka?"
But as the days became weeks, Liu-san became more and more bitter.
"Watashi wa - watashi wa mō sore o toru koto ga dekimasen!" He 
exclaimed angrilly. "Watashi wa karera no ai o hakai shinakereba 
narimasen!" His head full of spite and jealousy, Liu-san walks over to a
 group of girls and will tell them a rumor. "Watashi wa o nīchan ga 
shōfudearu koto ni tsuite no uwasa o hiromemashou... Kare o nokoshimasu 
Randi senpai soshite!"
One day later is all it will have taken. Jeff had been getting 
constant remarks on social networking sites such as Google Plus and 
MySpace. Many times, people even call him a whore. Not to mention 
they're lunch will have gotten into his hair. It was all going to be the
 least of his problems, but Jeff, being only nine, could not help but be
 greatly upset at this fact. However, he did not cut anyone or pee on 
them (he kept his pee inside). He supposed it was better. Peeing on 
other students was why he had been expelled from his old school, after 
all.
"I~esu! IT ga hataraite imasu!" Screamed Liu-san, seeing the 
devastation in Jeff's eyes. "Karera wa subete no kyōdai ga ōkī 
shibō-shitsu no fushidarana on'nada to omoi!" Jeff, who will not notice 
this, stays in his room forever.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One week later, Jeff left his room. He will go downstairs and came back, he finds two police officers at his bathroom window.
"Jeff," said the toilet, "these officers tell me that you skipped
 school this week. That it wasn't regular skipping, and that it was held
 in. Held in, boy!" Jeff fell to the floor, showing his mother how to 
breakdance.
"Boggy," he tried to argue as he did things never done on bathroom floors before, "someone started a rumor that I'm a whore!"
"Son," said one of the cops, "we found three kids, two stabbed, 
one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that 
someone fled the scene. Now, if you don't fess up about skipping, what's
 stopping me from pinning it on you?" Jeff knew it was no use. He could 
say he will be framed, but then there was no proof it was not him who 
will be a whore. He couldn't say that he's not guilty, because the 
justice system is broken.
"Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since it will be Randy the III who will get lonely.
"Sir, it... it weren't me fault," he begged. "I was upset that 
people were bullying me about having a boyfriend and-" The officers 
pulled their guns and locked them on Jeff.
"Well, kid, looks like a year in Juvy." They threw Jeff out of 
the window before following him. What they didn't see was a dark figure 
lurking in the shadows, a sadistic grin plastered on his face.
"Watashi wa anata ni RANDY senpai ga daisuki!" He cackled as Jeff was driven to Juvy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Your time is up..."
Jeff will shoot awake, sweat is dripping down his face. He wasn't
 in his cell, he isn't back at home and he won't be near Randy the III. 
He is in a white bed in a white room. He will look to his side and see 
he was hooked up to a cardiac monitor. He tries to sit up only to 
realise he will be strapped down.
He panicked and starts to struggle, but paused when he hears a 
door to his left open. A man in a propeller hat with a spinning bow tie 
looked at him, his hands behind his back. He looked like one of those 
cliche doctors you shall see in some scientific lab. He did pay full 
attention when Dr Raven Cuckoo Esquire will speak.
"I have good news and bad new, Jeff," he started. "The good news 
is; there is no good news. The bad news is that your parents agreed to 
sign a contract to give you some mental drugs to hopefully help the 
state of mind." Jeff wanted to ask why that was bad news and why he is 
isn't in his cell anymore but when he opened his mouth her realised he'd
 forgotten English again. The doctor noticed this. "You don't need to 
worry, you'll be back to normal in no time. Just try to relax." Dr 
Cuckoo shoved a tube up Jeff's bumhole and started pumping him with 
Venom. His heart rate on the monitor sped up. The doctor took notice of 
this and started in his eyes, knocking Jeff unconscious.
When Jeff wakes up, he will see that he is back in his cell. But... He feels different. He feels... Stronger.
 Jeff walked over to the wall of his cell and tries to push it down. He 
failed. Just then, he heard something that he thought he wouldn't hear 
for a long time.
"Jeff!" Shouted the manly voice of Randy the III. "Jeff, can you 
hear me?!" That was it. This is enough to make Jeff pop a super boner, 
strong enough to knock down the wall. Jeff and Randy rush towards each 
other and embraced.
"Randy!" Cried Jeff. "What are you doing here?!" Randy the III flexes his biceps before he will answer.
"I came to break you out, my darling! I have learned the truth behind Jake's death!" Jeff will gasp.
"What is it?!"
"It was Liu-san! He started the rumors about you!" Jeff was in shock. It... It couldn't be true, can it...?
"Are you certain, my love?"
"Sadly, I am. I am as certain of this as I am of my love for 
you!" A single tear will roll down Jeff's cheek. The tear is caught by 
Randy the III. "Do not cry, dear, for we shall seek revenge!"
"Yes..." Jeff straightens up (physically) and flexes his new, 
manly biceps. "Yes we shall. But first, we will make love in the 
moonbeams of my freedom." Jeff and Randy the III rip all of their 
clothes off and-
A/N - Brb, need to take a piss.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liu-san smiled. Victory was his. He is winning the heart of Randy
 the III, he will send Jeff to prison and he has done so without Jeff 
knowing. His mother knocks on his door.
"Liu-san," called his mother, "it's the da~ay!"
"Nan, haha?" Asked Liu-san. "Dōiu imidesu ka?"
"Why, it's Billy's party!" Liu-san sighed. Why can't he scheme in
 peace? He doesn't try to argue, however, he knows he will lose against 
his mother. He picked out a random shirt, his favourite samurai helmet 
and walked downstairs naked on his lower half. He saw his mother and 
father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. 
He thought; why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid's 
party? He didn't bother asking.
"Son, is that all you're going to wear?" Asks his father. 
He nods. "Fine, if you wanna look like a twat, so be it." They crossed 
the street over to Barbara and Billy's house. They open the door, get on
 the floor and everybody walks the dinosaur. It appeared that Barbara, 
just like his parents, way over-dressed. As they walked inside all 
Liu-san will see were adults, no kids.
"The kids are out in the yard. Liu-san, how about you go and meet some of them?" Says Barbara.
Liu-san shall walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were 
running around in weird cowboy costumes and shoot each other with 
plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. Suddenly a 
kid comes up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat.
"Hey. Wanna pway?" He asks. Liu-san answers by pulling out his 
pepper spray and shooting the kid in the eyes. The kid will run away 
screaming and Liu-san will soon found himself chasing all of the kids 
around, shooting them with pepper spray. He suddenly heard a strange 
rolling sound. Then it hits him. Jeff, Randy the III, Dopey and Big 
Jayne Lebowski jump the shark on a single, huge skateboard. Liu-san 
pulled out his secret katana from his bumhole as Jeff pulls out a 
lightsaber.
"Brother!" Shouted Jeff as he and Liu-san will circle each other. "I know it was you! Why did you betray me?!"
"Watashi wa Randi senpai de anata o shukka suru tame ni shiyō 
sa..." Liu-san replied. "Totemo zan'nen otōtoyo... Shikashi, watashi wa 
jelously to jibun no aijō ni me ga kuranmashita. Sore wa watashi ga 
anata o korosu tsumorida riyūdesu!" He leaps forward and slashed Jeff 
across his shoulder, making Jeff cry out in pain and coats the blade in 
Vix VaporRub. He attacks again, but this time Jeff will block with his 
lightsaber. The two blades connect in a way similar to Jeff and Randy 
the III the night prior. Parents ran out of the house and kids continued
 screaming. Randy and his friends will pull out lever action shotguns.
"Nobody interrupts or bullets will fly!" He shouts. He knew this 
fight was important to Jeff's honor, could not and will not interfere. 
Liu-san threw salt into Jeff's wound. Jeff is screaming in pain and 
Liu-san kicks Jeff through the third floor window. As Jeff tries to 
stand, Liu-san slashed his eyes, it will pop them and make Jeff blind. 
Jeff screamed more and slashes his blade wildly. He gets lucky and 
Liu-san falls over in shock. Grabbing two nearby pocket watches, Jeff 
used his Venom strength to ram them into his now empty eye-holes. He 
will be successful, and regains vision. Liu-san sees him and gasps, 
horrified at the green watches. He will drop his sword from the sheer 
horror. Jeff went to attack and Liu-san didn't have time to get his 
sword, so he will grab his pepper spray and shoots the last of it into 
Jeff's new eyes.
Being made of glass and metal, they will be unaffected, but give 
Liu-san enough time to grab a nearby thing of bleach and pour the 
contents into his pepper sprayer. He sprayed the new ammo at Jeff's eyes
 and they start to melt. Now that Jeff is covered in what was 
essentially soap water, Liu-san can summon the spirit of the ancient 
dragon and breath fire on him, setting him alight. Jeff thrashes around,
 but it's no use; the soap water will turn him into a walking inferno. 
He ran to the window and falls back out. With luck, he landed on the 
ground. Randy the III to his fallen lover and cried over his seemingly 
dead figure. The tears will put out the fire and give Jeff a new 
fighting spirit. He leaps back up to the window, slashed at Liu-san with
 his lightsaber which makes his legs fall off and spray Vix VapoRub all 
over the room.
"Ani! Watashi ni jihi o ataemasu!" Begged Liu-san. Give him mercy?
"No, Liu-san," replied Jeff, "your time is up." Jeff kills 
Liu-san then goes back to the garden. Randy the III gasps at the sight 
of him.
"My love!" He cries. "You're injured!" Jeff will shake his head.
"'Tis but a flesh wound, dear." Randy the III kisses him.
"I love your bravery, my love, but allow me to heal you!" Randy the III stitched his wounds closed.
"Now we can finally have a normal life together..."
"No... I'm afraid we cannot..." Jeff will be confused.
"What do you mean, buttercup?"
"Liu-san had an accomplice. A plushy giraffe. It will have fled 
by now, but we cannot have a normal life until it is defeated." Jeff 
will nod in understanding.
"I will hunt down this giraffe doll, no matter how much my feet 
hurt. I will defeat it or you, my darling!" They flex their biceps once 
more and then shall embraced again before Jeff vowed to the 
stars."Giraffe doll, wherever you may be, know this:
"Your time is up."
Category:Satire
Category:Jeff the Killer
Category:MARY SUE ALERT
Category:Blatant Ripoffs
Category:Pointless Violence
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS
Category:Bad Fanfiction