The Cycle

Crash. Bang. Boom. That's my motto, it's all I can remember after all. What a night yesterday was. Some men exist to create, others to make others have diarrhea. Take me as a particular example. I'm tall, but a bit short. I am your enemy. The current temperature in Tijuana is 61 degress, but I digress. You ever have that feels like your in rocket ships? Well, I did, once, a long tyme age. Oh those were the weeks. My name is not important, you should know, but not really, it's Ethan. I used to be Edward Hudson, but that was when I had enemies.
I'm one particular person, as you know, that likes to rite on papers. My mom saws me do this lot of time todays and called me a "cuck". I just tell her "It's not Tuesday yet". So she did.
Now that I've established who we are again, I'm going to tell yu why I rite, and so do I. I think there is this thing following me, like near me, but not at me, but somewhere inbetween. I'm not so sure, but I am, it lives in the thing under my house. It's this sorta room thing.
I tried to tell my mom it but she just told me "Snort some paint thinner and get over it," And I'm not one to flip the bird, but I did today, last week. This is the future, shit happens.
Anyways, I took the paint thinner, and that's when my brain starts doing things. Mad dog things. That's when my mom saw me and said today was the day I had gastrointestinal sergery. I said "Screws you" and went and ran into inside of the freezer. But I forgot the freezer freezes too hard so I passed out from freeze.
When I woke up I was in schewl. I was at a desk of wood. I know this because the desk told me. I see the teacher was talking on 3 legs. I got up and threw the desk at her, but it went right though her. I sat back down and took out an a salt riffle. I got bored and used it as a buttscratcher. Just then 15 or 89 military roops came in and shotted the place. I looked at techer, she was deed. I used a fat man as a human shield and his fat fell off. He got so mad he charged at the nearested sheep, killing it.
I thought this would be the perfect time to propose to my banana, but my banana was a banana, and alas, it was complicated. I took out my iphone and dialed "948" (that s 911, but just in the future) and the popos told me I had no service and I was angry and I felt betrayed because we had something. I put the phone down and glanced at the troops, who were killin my worst enemi. I felt hapyy but sad because he was a guy like me in a world. Den one of them sees me and picks up his riffle and fireds and shoots in the bollet hit me and I fell on my back on the floor and I cryd.
I wokd up and foud I was in hell. There was deamons and vampires and goasts flying everywhere all over the place. I wad tied to a char, with Satan watching me. He tells me "Haha you failed Ethan. Oooga booga food. Your whirld is domed" I shit my pants, and shit them again. I shit so hard I broke the roops tying me to the chair and broke out of the chair and fell on the hell floor.
"Haha, I shit my pants. GG," I said. Satan stepped off from the throne he was satting upon.
"That's it. I'm going to kick your ass, in the ass," Said the satan man.
"Go fuck your mother's cousin!" I screamed back into the scray man. And so he did. I waited a few minutes, and he came back bigger than ever. Like 6 feet tall. I wish I could be that tall. Anyhows, he takes out a frying pan, and hits the nearest daemon of teh sky and it fallz to the dead. I threw my potato at him that I've been waiting to divorce, and it hit satin in the face. Satin kills over and dieds, but gets back up because he's satin, and not just your ordinary Stan Stanmanson. I knew shit was getting real now.
He advances towards me, with his fring pan in hands. I tried to grab a hell rock, but I had Arthritis and couldn't. Satin laughs at my attempts to de feet him. Satin is almost upon me and I'm bracing for impact... that's what she said. Suddenly, my girlfriend steps between satan and me. She kicks satan in his balls and he screams and his balls fall out. "Thanks," I say. "Ain't no problem yo," Says my girlfriend. Just then my stomach drops, I think, if that's possible. But it does this because I realize this can't be real. I don't have a girlfriend. I never will. Girls are my enemi.
This can't be happening. I stumble away, as my girlfriend dawns an evil smile. Her face slowly melts away, like some kind of liquid, like silly putty or some shit. Underneath the liquid is another face. The face of my mom. She cocks her neck at an unnatural angle. "You worthless good for nothing son," She snarls. "You're no child of mine," I go from terrified to furious. "No matter what I do it's never enough for you," I growl. She merely laughs. Behind her, is, oh god. This can't be true. That teacher that gave me a B plus, when I almost had an A. Next to him is my running coach, who I let down when I didn't get that first place medal. I only got he second place one! Others I've failed suddenly begin to appear around me, all with dark, soulless expressions. My mom pulls out a pistol, looks at it, and tosses it away. "No..." She says. "You're not being let off that easily."
She walks up and kicks me in the stomach. I fall, gasping for air, but air is all "Go fuck yourself" I try to put my arms up to defend myself, but it's no use. My mom must have super strength or some shit, like manbat. She hits me with savage blows, and I feel bruises and welts forming, even a bone or maybe 207 breaking. My mom eventually lets up, but only to let others I've failed have a piece of me, like cake. Except the cake is flesh and the frosting is semen. They hit me with bananas and novels I've read, over and over, pounding several soft spots into my skin. I blacked out (Or whited out, cause I'm white) and woke up in a char. Not this shit again.
Except this roaps were made out of... oh god.... Celery. I hate vegetables. I think I was in my parent's basement, the one they lock me in when I get an A- on homework. Standing in the front of meh, oh gawd, it was that thingy I said I sees earlier, the one I talked about. That monster shit. It turns his head 940 degress and does a backflip while frontflipping.I get a look at it's eyes, and oh god, it has hyperealistic red eyes crying blood. I'm forced to bite the celery that ties me to the chair and I jump up. I grab the nearest thing to me, and it's an obscene Lyra plushie. Whatever. "Stay back!" I shout at the thing. "I'm armed!" It merely laughs. "Now you're not," It says in a demon voice. "You don't even have arms." And he's right, for some reason I don't. "Haha! No Nip Steve!" It shouts. And suddenly my nipples vanish as well. Damn, and I was just about to use them too.
"No..." I say in anguish. "Not my nipples" I wipe a tear from my eye. This is all happening so fast, I just can't process it all. The very fibers of my mind are unwinding. It laughs at my pathetic display, and advances towards me. I shout the first thing I can think of. "Gosh that Italian family over on the next table sure is quiet!" And suddenly, it stops. It looks at me, with a pained expression. It jumps up and flies out the window, saying "Bye... have a beautiful time!" It's finally over. I can live in a piece now, maybe settle down, and start a family. Instead, it flies back through the window. "Oh wait, I almost forgot." It says. It throws a cinder block at me, and it hits my write in the fase. I black out.
I wake up on the floor or some city, like Detroit or some shit. I remember that I'm a hobo. I get up, but get knocked down by a women walking by. "Watch the merchandize asshole," She says. "Piss of you slut," I growl, and shoot her in the face. I look around, and see the usual bunch of bullshit cities have to offer. Behind me though, is a GameStop. I take out my wallet, and find a 100 dollar bill in their. Cool, I can buy some call of duty DLC, 100 dollars will probably get me one map, I remember thinking.
I walked in with an old men in the cash register. I looked around, and all of the games were Justin Bieber related. "Justin Bieber" "Justin Bieber 2: Modern cuckotry" "Bieber4dead" "Ride to Bieber: Bieberibution" Etc. There was one game that wasn't Justin Bieber related, luckily. It looked like the classic release from valve called "The Orange Box". Except it was scribbled out, and instead written on it was the words "The Dick Box. HUEHUEHUE" Written in black marker. How immature. It was a used copy, obviously, shithead, but I decided I wanted it since it was the only non-Justin Bieber related game in the store. I took it and walked up to the register, where the old man was listening to One Direction. Typical of old men.
"How much?" I asked. He looked up, with an annoying expression like this was his swamp and I was staging an invasion.
"Four hundred thousand dollars," He says in a matter of fact tone. I take out my gun and shoot him in the face.
"Nope." I say, and leave the shithole with my game. I kicked the door of a random house down and stepped in. A woman screams when she sees me.
"Honey I'm home!" I announce, and shoot the woman in the face. Who I assume to be the husband comes running downstairs, a wooden baseball bat in hand.
"I hate baseball," I say, and shoot him, causing him to fall down the stairs. I let out a laugh. I've never felt so alive before. I dash up the stairs and into their bedroom. It just so happens they have a computer. Awesome, I can play The Orange Box now! I think giddily. It's an old laptop, but I don't care. I turn it on, and damn it it needs a password. I try and seduce the computer, threaten it, anything, but nothing works. Frustrated, I type "Fuck" into the computer. Surprisingly, it werks. Yesh. Iz gud. I log in to find tons of porn on the desktop. I find my mouse wandering towards it.
"No, bad hand," I say. Then I relent. "Fine," I fap fer about two hours, and the room is covered in white stuff. I almost forgot what I was doing here on the computer. I take out The Orange Box disk from my computer, it almost slips out of my hands cause I fapped so much. I shove it in, and it doesn't even have to install! The files just pop up on the desktop; in a corner cause there was very little space due to porn. But these weren't the ordinary Orange Box files. They were way scuryier.
There were five files. That was normal. But the title of the files were horrible. There was "Portal Die.exe.", "Die Fortress 666", "Half die 2", "Half Die 2, Episode 666" and "Half die 2, Episode death". I shit my pants so hard I made a whole in them. I decided to click Die Fotress 666, and it opened. The character shown in the beginning menu was a demonic scout with red bloody hyprer-realistic eyes. I checked my virtual backpack, and where there would normally be lodes of flaming team captains, there were only human skulls and organs.
I feeled like throwing up. I didn't have the time though, because I heard sirins outside the window. The popos. I heard the door being kicked down. "Hands in the air!" I herd them shoyt. "FUCK THE POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND!" I yell back. "A YOUNG IDIOT GOT IT BAD CAUSE I'M BROWN." I jump out the window, feeling multiple bones brek, and I pass out.
I wake up in a popo interrogation room, tide to a fucking chair again. Like how many times has that happened n this story? There are two popos on the other sid of the table.
"Why'd you do it sun?" One asks.
"All that semen also got one of the officers to trip and fall out the window, so you'll be being convicted of that too," The second officer adds. I wasn't listening to what they were saying, because I had superpowers now. I used my powers to undo my handcuffs.
"Are you listening bub? You're in a lot of trouble," Says officer one. I use my power to rip the guns from their belts, and shot their faces to til they died. Then I talk the Alicia Keys from their belts and leave the rom. I shotted the officers that gets in my way, and steal a cop car. Luckily from my daze in the hood I know how to steal cars.
Unforunately, the popos went after me. I shot at them out the wino, but everytime I killed one two more took its place. I was so focus on shooting I forgot to focus on the road. I swerve off the road and slam into a tree. Crash. Gunfire from the police rings out in the air around me. Bang. My car explodes. Boom.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Im died
Category:Well, that was pointless.
Category:DIALOGUE!