The LL Cool J Anomaly

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS A SERIES OF JOURNAL ENTRIES FROM THE FUTURE. IT IS ADVISED YOU DO NOT READ THIS PASTA FOR THE SAFETY OF YOUSELF AND OTHERS, AS POSSESSION OF KNOWLEDGE OF THE FUTURE CAN AND WILL RESULT IN A TIME PARADOX. SO PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF EVIL PATRIXXX, DO NOT READ THIS. THE NSA
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==December 19, 2016==
Dear Diary,
I just watched NCIS: Los Angeles. I was watching my favorite episode, Legend (Part 1), when I noticed something weird about it. Throughout the entire episode, Sam Hanna looked like he was decaying, and then a foul odor came out of my TV. I was very spooked, but I watched the Next Episode. And by that, I mean the Next Episode by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg, Kurupt, and Nate Dogg. I got to the part where Nate Dogg was supposed to say "SMOKE WEED EVERYDAY", but instead, the decayed Sam Hanna killed Nate Dogg and blood flew everywhere. Sam then looked at me and said, "And ya radio's def when my record's on!" before my computer exploded. FUCK! Now how am I supposed to get my daily quota of porn? Well, I guess I'm limited to fapping to Victoria's Secret ads until I get enough money to buy a new computer. But aside from that, Sam's last words have been stuck in my head ever since I heard them a few seconds ago. I'm a little freaked out, but I'm sure I'm just overreacting.
==December 25, 2016==
Dear Diary,
I'm a shitty father. I broke in to a Walmart today to get my 26-year-old stepdaughter a My Little GI Joeformers Pets toy because I forgot to get her a gift. After I ran away from the fuzz, I merrily walked home. On my walk, however, I saw a corpse. Being the fucking pussy I am, I ran away. I went home to see my stepdaughter, but I saw that she was hanging from the ceiling fan by a belt. I fell to my knees, crying tears of joy! Now I don't need to pay child support anymore! I prayed to Vishnu, thanking him for making my stepdaughter kill herself. After I finished praying, I decided to whip out the grill and cook her, except for her reproductive organ. I'm going to use that for... educational purposes...
==January 9, 2017==
Dear Diary,
I just found my stepdaughter's suicide note. The note read, "Ladies Love Cool James". MOTHER OF FUCK! I invited Vishnu over to eat my stepdaughter's corpse to thank him for his work, and now I find out that LL Cool J killed her. I'm going to kill that son of a bitch Vishnu and get my 5 dollars back. I need to find LL Cool J and thank him. But for now, I need to find a place to sell my new homemade fleshlight. I could sell it on Amazon. Or eBay. Craigslist, even. But, if I want to be secretive about it, I should sell it on the Silk Road, so I don't get arrested for making a fleshlight out of human parts. OH SHIT! You did not read that. Fuck you NSA!
==January 19, 2017==
Dear Diary,
Hillary is getting inaugurated tomorrow. I'm thoroughly pissed, mainly because I voted for Ted Cruz. But, that's aside the point. The point is that I went back to the corpse today. I had to man up first. So I ate a fuckton of protein powder for 24 hours straight. Then, I was ready. I went back to the corpse and inspected it. The DNA sample I took from it proved that it was none other than LL Cool J. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How the fuck could this fucked up shit fucking happpen? I then defiled his corpse until I found a note. It read, "PATRIXXX CANT STEP TO ME". Did LL Cool J's killer also kill EVIL PATRIXXX? Thanks Obama!
==March, 1, 2017==
Dear Diary,
Sorry for the hiatus. Shit has gotten real when I was gone. The day I found LL Cool J's corpse, I was groped by Bill Cosby. I reported it, but Anita Sarkeesian stabbed me in the leg. I punched her, but I was sent to prison for assault. As I was in prison, I converted to Mormonism. Now I pray every night. The next day, I was released from prison and found Vishnu. I killed him and got my 5 dollars back. To celebrate, I decided to go to the pub and order a diet soda. Then, as I drank it, I realized that I was slipped some roofies. I fell into a deep sleep. When I awoke, I realized that I was in an Illuminati concentration camp. I was scared. So scared that a skeleton popped out of me. Now there I was. A skinless skeletal structure in an Illuminati concentration camp. I had to formulate a plan to escape. Then, I realized that Slender Man was my cellmate. HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! I decided to film a tentacle hentai with him. Then, I asked him to help me escape, and he said, in these exact words, "Okay, you dirty piece of shit." I rode on his back as he stretched past the gates of the concentration camp. As we left, I saw a terrifying face. It was an evil LL Cool J. Then, EVIL PATRIXXX appeared and almost killed the creature I will now dub EVIL LLCOOLJXXX. The creature, however, vanished. Then, like that, I was now in the past. Oh shit. I fucked up really bad.
==October 6, 1985==
Dear Diary,
[Verse 1]
My radio, believe me, I like it loud
I'm the man with a box that can rock the crowd
Walkin' down the street, to the hardcore beat
While my JVC vibrates the concrete
I'm sorry if you can't understand
But I need a radio inside my hand
Don't mean to offend other citizens
But I kick my volume way past 10
My story is rough, my neighbourhood is tough
But I still sport gold, and I'm out to crush
My name is Cool J, I devastate the show
But I couldn't survive without my radio
Terrorising my neighbours with the heavy bass
I keep the suckas in fear by the look on my face
My radio's bad from the Boulevard
I'm a hip-hop gangster and my name is Todd
Just stimulated by the beat, bust out the rhyme
Get fresh batteries if it won't rewind
Cos I play everyday, even on the subway
I woulda got a summons but I ran away
I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go
But I know I can't live without my radio
[Verse 2]
Suckas on my jock when I walk down the block
I really don't care if you're jealous or not
Cos I make the songs, you sing along
And your radio's def when my record's on
So get off the wall, become involved
All your radio problems have now been solved
My treacherous beats make ya ears respond
And my radio's loud like a fire alarm
The floor vibrates, the walls cave in
The bass makes my eardrums seem thin
Def sounds in my ride, yes the front and back
You would think it was a party, not a Cadillac
Cos I drive up to the ave, with the windows closed
And my bass is so loud, it could rip your clothes
My stereo's thumpin' like a savage beast
The level on my power meter will not decrease
Suckas get mad, cos the girlies scream
And I'm still gettin' paid while you look at me mean
I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go
But I know I can't live without my radio
I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go
And I know I can't live without my radio
[Verse 3]
Don't touch that dial, I'll be upset
Might go into a fit and rip off your neck
Cos the radio's thumpin' when I'm down to play
I'm the royal chief rocker LL Cool J
Let your big butt bounce from right to left
Cos it's a actual fact this jam is def
Most definitely created by me
Goin' down in radio history
I'm good to go on your radio
And I'm cold gettin' paid cos Rick said so
Make the woofers wallop and your tweeters twitch
Some jealous knuckleheads might try to dis
But it's nuthin', ya frontin', ya girl I am stuntin'
And my radio's loud enough to keep you gruntin'
My name is Cool J, I'm from the rock
Circulating through your radio non-stop
I'm lookin' at the wires behind the cassette
And now I'm on the right, standing on the eject
Wearin' light blue Pumas, a whole lotta gold
And jams like these keep me in control
I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go
And I know I can't live without my radio
[Verse 4]
Your energy level starts to increase
As my big beat is slowly released
I'm on the radio and at the jam
LL Cool J is who I am
Imma make ya dance, boogie down and rock
And you'll scratch and shake to my musical plot
And to expand my musical plan
Cut Creator, rock the beat with your hands
That's right, so don't try to front the move
As you become motivated by the funky groove
You can see me and Earl chillin' on the block
With my box cold kickin' with the gangster rock
See people can't stop me, neither can the police
I'm a musical maniac to say the least
For you and your radio I made this for
Cool J's here to devastate once more
Pullin' all the girls, takin' out MCs
If ya try to disrespect me, I just say Please!
Here to command the hip-hop land
Kick it live with a box inside my hand
I'm the leader of the show, keepin' you on the go
But I know I can't live without my radio
Farmers Boulevard, yeah, you know that's where me and E hang out, cool
out, you know what I'm sayin'? That's where the crib's at.
==October 6, 1985==
Dear Diary,
I did not write that last entry. But maybe I did. Let me explain. As I was walking down the street to the strip club, I fell unconscious. I just woke up today. That was when I realized that I had skin. I wasn't a skeleton now. Surprised, I looked in the mirror to see a most horrible sight.
I am LL Cool J.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Jornel
Category:WHAT A TWIST!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Suicide
Category:And then a skeleton popped out
Category:Excessive Profanity
Category:Loads of Characters