Chiropractor Jesus

Chiropractor Jesus, or ChiroJesus as He is known to adept chiropractors, is the source of all chiropractor's magic powers. Certain mythological creatures such as elves, trolls, and Anal glands are attributed with founding the Pseudoscience of chiropractic by so-called "straight" chiropractors, but revisionist historians have proven that ChiroJesus was in fact the illucid D. D. Palmer, the Messiah of health care fraud.
==In The Beginning==
Little is known of the childhood or miraculous birth of Palmer. According to the fictionalized account of his life, The Jerk, starring podiatrist Steve Martin, he was born a poor black child. Palmer's late teens and twenties were marked by successive divinely revealed "discoveries" in the sciences of magnetic healing, phrenology, alchemy, and quantum chromodynamics. 
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Unfortunately, Palmer was a horrible representative of his own cures. He was plagued by demons and locusts for several years, which kept most prospective customers away. In Peebucket, Missouri he was reduced to making a living dousing for water.
==The Revelation Of Subluxations==
On March 18, 1907 D. D. Palmer died in a freak water-divining accident. Three days later, he jumped out of his coffin while he was being waked, much to the chagrin of the as-yet unpaid mortician. Palmer quickly wrote the word "subluxation" on a handy sheet of paper with no explanation. At first he said it referred to vertebrae being "under" (sub) "Luxor" (in Egypt), but that made no sense. Then he claimed that vertebrae which are improperly aligned, which made as good use of a made up word as any other definition.
According to skeptics, for whom nothing but facts will do, there is much doubt about the veracity of the term in relation to much of anything, as seen below:
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No one pays much attention to this because these skeptics are shills for the American Medical Association. For decades the AMA has fought against chiropractic's right to exist, in the same vein that some Palistinians reject Israel. However, take away the safety blanket of "science" and "proof", and their case collapses like the filthy, pedophile-ridden cancerous organization that it is.
==His Apostles==
On Feb 29, 1898 ChiroJesus met with a group of undistinguished gentlemen who incorporated a fraternal order in San Francisco called, "The League of Extraordinary Bullshit Artists". Their first meal together was take-out Chinese, called among their own, "The First Supper". These men immediately recognized a sham, quasi-religious crock when they saw it, and set to capitalizing on it.
Today the date is rememberd as "Chiropractic Christmas" or "Chiromas". Gifts of snake oil are exchanged and chiropractors greet one another with, "Crackly Chiromas, brother!", or sister, as the case may be. ChiroJesus and His Apostles worked feverishly create a unified front in practices, ethics, and sheer brass ones. Eventually rival schools formed around each Apostles particular mix of disciplines such as naturopathy, osteopathy, homeopathy, candling, and cow tipping.
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Some of the Apostles of ChiroJesus went on to found monasteries, inner city clinics, and methodologies of extracting payments from Medicare.
*A.P. Davis, MD, DO, DC, ND
:He and I. P. Daly were the first martyrs for chiropractic, they were executed by satire squad in Memphis, Tennessee, 1926.
*Saint B.J. Palmer (the Younger), DC
:Founder of the "Our Lady of Perpetual Payments" school for chiropractic and dog grooming in 1938.
*Saint Solon Massey Langworthy, DC 
:Convinced President Harry Truman to install air conditioning in the White House, sold banjos off a truck.
*Saint Oakley G. Smith, DC, DN
:Named after sharpshooter Annie Oakley and cough drop magnates, the Smith Brothers, he left his vast wealth to the Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.
==Shore Leave With The Sailors==
thumb|left|In the brig, ChiroJesus picked up this little sleight of hand from a man imprisoned for being an idiot.
In 1918 ChiroJesus fell in with some sailors on shore leave, got arrested, and spent the night in the drunk tank. The smell of low tide in proximity to the jail house made Him retch for 40 days and 40 nights, then there was a flood or something. Anyway, the important thing is, nobody lost an eye.
==Show Me The Money==
As with any profession/clerical calling, the wheels of chiropractic are greased with money. Chiropractors refer to their little endeavors to bilk unsuspecting victims is called, "Practice building", and comprises about 87% of a student's efforts at a chiropractic "college". 
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More than anything else, ChiroJesus wants Mankind to get regular adjustments and tell our friends about how chiropractic has changed our lives. His mission is still undertaken by those who aren't quite medical school material, or think they can get a doctor's respectability with a three years post-graduate "work". 
In the "High End Times", ChiroJesus and Satan Bunny will attend a "Great Reefer Smoke-Off", listen to the Grateful Dead, and all the righteous will rise off their chiropractic adjustment tables and sing praises to ChiroJesus. It'll be magnificent!
Category:Jesus