An end to death

Hi, I'm David. My wife died six years ago (unexplained head explosion). I was really cut up about it at the time and due to the trauma, I lost my mind. A consequence of this was me murdering my two children. I guess you could say they were pretty cut up about it too, lol. Sorry, that was insensitive. They suffered horribly at the end. I lost everything I had and was rightfully shunned by decent society.
Anyway, that's enough back story. I'm better now and am pursuing my two main interests: the crippling guilt and depression of having my family die in such horrible and disturbing ways and being into wacky, nondescript science. I have combined them so successfully that I am now able to resurrect the dead. Don't ask me how as it is a secret which I plan to monetize.
"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Said Janey, my lab assistant.
"You mean raise the dead, render the big sleep small, enter the mediocre beyond?"
"Well, that, and... I just meant be in the lab on a Saturday? We're not getting paid."
"Janey, I haven't worked here since I murdered my children and was put into a secure mental health facility. That's why we work on Saturdays, because I'm not allowed to be in here."
"Oh yeah..."
"Now, flip the conflabulator! Let's get my family back on this immortal coil."
Janey flipped the big red switch and the machinery began to spin and whistle.
"Death reversal is at 73%." She said.
"Steady."
"85%."
"If we get to 100% then my family will come back to life."
"97% now."
What could possibly go wrong with overruling the one natural constant of life, the definition of humanity; knowing one's life must come to an end? Could there possibly be any unforeseen circumstances that had become somewhat of a trope throughout all societies' narratives? Despite these being largely rhetorical questions, I would soon be able to answer them literally.
"99.6%"
"That's a rounding error Janey. My wife and kids have just materialized right in front of your eyes."
"Oh yeah..."
Barbara, my wife, and my children, Terrence and Reginald, weren't super pleased to see me (apparently people can talk and gossip as much as they like in the afterlife), but I was all like "Ayy, come on, I just brought you back to life." So they had to forgive me.
Barbara's head was completely back to normal. The kids were fine. It all went really successfully.
"What's it like, death, heaven... hell?" We asked them.
"It's alright."
"Pleasant."
"Pretty hot."
I'd like to say that everything went swimmingly from then on, but life has its ups and downs. Do you remember me mentioning that I wanted to turn my DeathReversal3000 into a business? Well that's what I did. Only, dealing with paying members of the public is its own living hell.
"Are there any side effects to using the DeathRemover3000? Any terrible price? Like I lose my soul, or you know, Mr. Pickles comes back but doesn't remember me?" Said an elderly widow during another tedious consultation.
"It's the DeathReversal3000, and no. There is a one time price of $9000. No souls, nothing creepy. It's all exactly as you would imagine it would be considering this is real life and not some fairy tale story designed to make you accept the inevitability of death."
"Does it work on rabbits?"
"I haven't tried it on rabbits. Is your loved one a rabbit?"
"You didn't think 'Mr. Pickles' was a human name, did you?"
"Oh yes, how silly of me. You know you could buy a new Mr. Pickles for much less than $9000."
"It wouldn't be the same."
"No, it would be a lot cheaper."
"Mr. Pickles used to wrinkle his nose just like this."
The widow, the bereaved pet owner, made a pretty generic bunny face, sticking her teeth out, holding up her hands like rabbit paws, and what can I say, I cracked. Yep. I killed her. I bashed her face in. It felt soooo good. I know it's "wrong", I know I'm a bad guy. But I hadn't killed anyone since I killed my kids that time, and since then I've cured death, so get off my back, OK? I'll bring her back to life when I've calmed down.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep