The Blaseball Beat

The Blaseball Beat is a newsletter written and published by The Game Band to all fans of Blaseball, delivering summaries about the state of the League. The newsletter frequently references terms and elements from community-written lore. New issues are typically released once per Season, and only after that season has wrapped up. All issues are accompanied by the publication's signature phrase, "Quick Hits from the Immaterial Plane."
== Season 1 ==
PIES WIN FIRST INTERNET SERIES! The Game Band (27 Jul 2020). Issue 1. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
Blaseball’s revival is off to a historic start. The Philly Pies swept the Chicago Firefighters to take the first Internet Series since the sport returned, becoming the first undefeated team in ILB Postseason history. 
The lowly Baltimore Crabs, who finished 38-61, were enchanted during the offseason. We expect a marked improvement from them in Season 2.
Much has changed since we last watched Blaseball, from the players to the league office. Parker MacMillan III quickly rose from social media intern to interim-commissioner, promising a new level of transparency and swearing the buck stops with him.
The Gods, in all their benevolence and grace, allowed the fans to take control of the league this time around, returning democracy to the national pastime. Fans have organized on Discord, Twitter and Reddit, debating rule changes and strategy.
Unfortunately, this appears to have been a test the people failed. Fans voted overwhelmingly to open the clearly-labeled Forbidden Book, resulting in the incineration of Garages star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers, the opening of the Moab Hellmouth, and what appears to be an age of eternal darkness.
We’ll be back with more Quick Hits from Season 2.
Chaos Reigns. Play Ball.
== Season 2 ==
PIES ARE BACK-TO-BACK CHAMPS! The Game Band (3 Aug 2020). Issue 2. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
THE DISCIPLINE ERA CONTINUES!
The Philly Pies are Back-to-Back ILB Champions! Not satisfied with Season 1’s historic, undefeated Postseason run, the proud pastries went back for seconds, continuing their undefeated streak all the way to their second Evil League pennant. The Good League Champion Shoe Thieves managed to snag Game 1, handing Philly their first-ever playoff loss, but that only seemed to wake the bats up, as the Pies won the next 3 to be crowned once more. Do we smell a PieNasty cooking? Could they reach three Internet Series wins? What happens then?
Whatever happens, it certainly won’t be easy. Although the Pies were blessed with improved defense, they were dealt a major blow as the surging Hades Tigers pulled off the steal of the Postseason, snagging Regular Season MVP Jessica Telephone and limiting her time in Philly to only a year. The soldier of fortune Telephone expressed deep gratitude for all of Pie nation, but seems ready to lead the Tigers out of their recent Postseason slumps. 
Speaking of which, where were you when Comfort Septemberish stole home?! In one of the all-time great splorts comebacks, Comfort Septemberish stole 4th base in the bottom of the 9th in Round 1’s elimination game, leading to a 2-run blast that sealed the upset for the Jazz Hands and delivered Hades another 1st Round exit.
Hades wasn’t the only hellscape to receive divine grace. The long-struggling Millennials swapped the souls of their worst players, shattering their minds but bringing some serious depth to the lineup. The last place Lovers turned to the summoning circle for some serious help, offering the team up as vessels for the nameless ones. The fire rises. 
Fridays fans armed their youngster York Silk wield the Legendary Gunblade Bat, while Breath Mint Axel Trololol watched his arm transform into a literal cannon. He’ll never write again.
Blaseball officials were heartened to see increased turnout in this season’s election. Fans voted to grant the bottom four teams an additional strike, which should really shake things up in Season 3. The overwhelming vote went to Peanuts, which appears to have inflicted some sort of “Peanut Plague” on us all. There is hope that we might complete this First Labour and atone. 
Also, the ticker appears to be sentient.
If you want more exciting #blaseball action, the machines must be made bigger. So visit the Patreon to ditch the nosebleeds and get exclusive access to the Bloodhouse! 
And a big, big thank you goes out to our friends at Yes Plz Coffee for Sponsoring Seasons 1 and 2! More exciting Sponsors on the way. Everything is for sale! Everything.
Chaos Reigns. Play Ball.
== Season 3 ==
THE SPIRIT OF VIOLENCE SEALS TIGERS' WIN! The Game Band (21 Aug 2020). Issue 3. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
THE DISCIPLINE ERA CONTINUES!
The Hades Tigers captured their first Internet League Blaseball Championship with a win over the New York Millennials in Game 5 of the Internet Series. Victory was bittersweet, however, as Hades star hitter Landry Violence died suddenly in a shocking Game 2, leaving the team reeling and newcomer Paula Turnip starting her career on the biggest possible stage. Fans rallied around Turnip and the team, urging them to win it “For Landry,” and opening Jessica Telephone, Fish Summer, and the rest of the Tigers’ hearts to the spirit of violence and powering them to victory.
Questions abound for the New York Millennials, who came up just short of their first title. New York failed to secure any blessings in the Season 3 Election and lost fan favorite McLaughlin Scorpler to the powerhouse Tigers, adding Alyssa Harrel in the Exile swap. Without the insurance of the Fourth Strike, fans are wondering if the future might be only one of empty promises and disappointment, noting (possibly ironically) they “love da Mills, baby. Love da Mills.”
Hades star Jessica Telephone, now a back-to-back champion herself, faced off against her former Philly Pies in an epic Semi-Final. After going 0-6 in Game 1, the MVP rallied back with 2 homers in Game 2 and proceeded to take out the pie-nasty out of the oven before it was ready. The tough-crusted Pies hoped to improve their rotation in the offseason election, sending away half-star pitcher Kevin Dudley, only to receive Charleston favorite Forrest Bookbaby in return, another half-star. At least their meme potential has improved.
Peanuts ruled the headlines in the early part of Season 3, as the Season 2 election saw the beloved snacks falling from the heavens, seemingly both a gift and a curse from the mysterious Peanut God. As players munched on the tasty treats, some players suffered horrific allergic reactions while others saw a boon to their playing potential. However, the Peanut’s benevolence was almost immediately spurned, as blasphemous insider traitors attempted to hoard an infinite number of peanuts (and negative peanuts), incurring the Peanut’s wrath and promising a lesson in Discipline. In a series of cryptic messages, the Peanut noted that The Book was Strike 1 and #TheFraud is Strike 2. Will we see a Strike 3? Could we get a Strike 4?
Speaking of Infinite, something strange is happening in Los Angeles. Or is it now Los Angeli? The fifteenth-inning Grand Unslam appears to have weakened the Bridge, resulting in a hit that never was and adding an additional win to both the Tacos and Shoe Thieves’ records. Fans subsequently elected to get to know the players through Interviews, resulting in the Microphone ripping space-time open over LA and transforming the city into an endless, quantum sprawl, giving us Unlimited Tacos and a team full of Wyatt Masons. Is this because Wyatt ate 2 peanuts in the same game? Is this some sort of cruel, cosmic joke. We honestly don’t know!
In other Election news, fans also voted to #EatTheRich, redistributing the coinage of the top 1% to the remaining 99% of fans league wide. Despite some grumblings, most fans agree that a better world is truly possible.
In order to build it, the ILB Front Office ordered an Extended Siesta in order to focus on implementing league-wide innovations, repairing aging infrastructure and providing some much-needed rest to league employees. During the Siesta, a league investigation determined that user error during Interviews had resulted in the Wyatt Masoning, and that the contracting company responsible for Microphone operation was solely responsible. They have since been terminated. The league then initiated a Localization procedure in order to restore the Unlimited Tacos. The team was restored to acceptable levels and the Microphone was shut down indefinitely after sensors picked up Feedback. The league’s efforts were widely hailed as a success.
A big THANK YOU goes out to everyone who donated on Patreon. For those who are considering donating, every little bit helps. And another special shout out to our Season 3 sponsor Friends at the Table, who will be returning next week for Season 4! Make sure to give them a visit.
Are you ready for more exciting #blaseball action? 
PLAY WILL RESUME Monday, August 24th. We hope you’re ready.
We have tasted the infinite. 
We are all Wyatt Mason.
Play Ball.
== Season 4 ==
TWO-TIME TIGERS ARE UNTAMABLE! The Game Band (31 Aug 2020). Issue 4. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
The Hades Tigers made history, becoming only the second team in ILB history to win Back-to-Back Internet Series titles and putting them on the path to ascension. Heavy favorites returning from Extended Siesta, the team from way down under lit the world on fire in Season 4, putting together a league-leading regular season record of 69-30 and sweeping the New York Millennials in a drastically one-sided Internet Series rematch.
That’s not to say the two-time Good League champions shouldn’t be proud of their Season 4 performance. Without the Fourth Strike buoying their at-bats, experts predicted regression for the Mills. But true-to-form, the renowned renters appeared to thrive on low expectations, putting together an incredible playoff run and upsetting the heavyweight Chicago Firefighters before getting evicted by the Tigers’ bats.
It wouldn’t be a Tigers win without at least some degree of immeasurable loss. During a game against the Philly Pies, the champs watched in horror as MVP Jessica Telephone blinked back into the Pies lineup, returning to her former team in a flicker of quantum Feedback, a mysterious phenomenon that has caused countless shakeups across the league.
Time and Space continued to bend as the Feedback grew, resulting in a tsunami of quantum Waves that appeared to completely obliterate and reconstruct everything that is and ever will be. Rookie Sixpack Dogwalker claims to be talking to a Microphone. Thomas Dracaena hit a ground out to Edric Tosser.
In election news, the Tigers narrowly avoided being tamed, as voters instead opted for Targeted Shame and Alternate Reality, painting bullseyes on the backs of the Tigers, Firefighters, Millennials and Jazz Hands, and calling in Alternates to take the place of their beloved players. The call’s reverberations appear to be building.
And the weirdness didn't stop there. Fans reached the first Blaseball Patreon goal and discovered the legendary 5-Blood Blagonball, a mysterious orb that, judging by it’s name — appears to be filled with five different types of blood. Later, Sandie Turner stole three bases in the same inning and found the 3-Blood Blagonball sliding into home. Fans are speculating about the nature and whereabouts of the remaining Blagonballs. How many more could there be? Would reuniting them do anything? Is this copyright infringement?
Find out next time on Internet League #Blaseball Season 5!
Play Ball.
== Season 5 ==
FIREFIGHTERS WIN!CLAIM EVERYWHERE IS CHICAGO! The Game Band (6 Sep 2020). Issue 5. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
The Chicago Firefighters captured their first championship with a Game 5 win over the Breckenridge Jazz Hands, bringing the Internet Series title to the Good League for the first time in the history of the ILB and reminding everyone that they, and possibly all of us everywhere, are from Chicago. The heavily-contested series saw the Firefighters rally back from elimination twice, finally breaking through in the bottom of the 9th of Game 4, when Declan Suzanne ate a stray peanut, suffered a horrific allergic reaction, and somehow still managed to bat in the winning run, thereby Shaming the Jazz Hands and forcing the Evil League champs to begin the closeout contest with a score of -1. Declan’s Midwestern grit was just the spark the Firefighters needed, as the Chicagoans jumped on that Targeted headstart and proceeded to light Game 5 ablaze, putting together an absolute blowout Series winner and bringing the coveted title home. To Chicago.
Overcoming inter-personnel adversity proved to be a major theme for the Firefighters (and the entire ILB) in Season 5. Chicago suffered a major loss early in the season when star ace (and league-leading pitcher) Alex Trololol inexplicably abandoned the mound to join the Firefighters lineup, just one of many cosmic Reverberations that washed over blaseball, randomly shuffling rotations, lineups, and even entire rosters! An investigation into the source of the Echoes remains ongoing.
The Jazz Hands are likely wondering what more they could have possibly done in Postseason 5, having swept the 2x reigning champion Hades Tigers in Round 1 and rallying back to win Round 2 against the rival Moist Talkers, surviving a 5-Game series that included a grueling 23-inning Game 4 pitcher’s duel against Canada’s star pitcher PolkaDot Patterson. Fortunately their future looks bright, having stolen the newly 6-star Nagomi Mcdaniel from the Baltimore Crabs in the week 5 Election!
At the other end of the standings, the fan-favorite Unlimited Tacos captured hearts and minds with a historic Regular Season Speed Run, reaching #PARTYTIME faster than any team ever before. Will the beloved Tacos’ Tuesday ever come? Have the gods forsaken them?
In politics, it appears to be Bath Time for the Immaterial Plane! In a tightly contested blind Election, High Filter narrowly beat out Diagonal World (and, tellingly, Do Nothing), resulting in the ILB getting dunked in the Blood Tub and surfacing reborn, restructured according to past performance and creating the Wild and Mild leagues, each Division carrying with it some eyebrow-raising Modifications. 
With the recent shakeup, experts are speculating that Season 6 may in fact be Crab Season, as the Baltimore Crabs managed an unbelievable string of luck to win FOUR blessings in Season 5’s Election, massively upgrading their team and earning the derision of much of the league. Will the Crabs be able to make up for their Round 1 Playoff exit? Or will the powerhouse Wild High Division prove too formidable?
And if politics weren’t a popularity contest before, they certainly are now, as Idols have been introduced to the ILB, allowing fans to venerate their beloved players and receive new bonuses for their individual play (in exchange for collective worship). Who will claim bragging rights at the tlopps of the Idols leaderboard? And what’s with that red line? 
Either way, cults of personality seem to finally be paying off. 
Play Favorites.
Play Ball.
== Season 6 ==
TIME FOR CRAB! The Game Band (13 Sep 2020). Issue 6. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
The Baltimore Crabs are your new Internet Series Champions! The cantankerous crustaceans swept the Seattle Garages in a one-sided Internet Series, clawing their way to their first title. Heavy favorites, the Crabs scuttled away from the competition, breaking the ILB Wins Record in a dominant 80-19 regular season and becoming the second team in ILB history to go undefeated through the playoffs. It really was Crab Season after all.
Despite falling short, the Seattle Garages exit the Postseason in quite the groove, having swept former champions Pies and Tigers on the way to their first Mild League Championship, all while recording and releasing their third album! 
Season 6 got off to a refreshing start, as the High Filter dipped the ILB in the Tub, resulting in the league reborn Wild and Mild. The Mexico City Mild Wings appear to have taken issue with the makeover, threatening legal action and claiming that, despite what one might assume given their name, they actually belong to the “Wild.” The Front Office has declined comment on the matter on advice of counsel.
After what Richardson Games dubbed an “uneventful” Season 5, Inclement Weather rocked Season 6, as a Crack in the Tub gave way to a gurgling Blooddrain, causing players to siphon stars away each other! And if cosmic vampirism wasn’t enough, fans continued to suffer roster shakeups, player swaps and more than one notable death, as star players Forrest Bookbaby, Caligula Lotus, Randall Marijuana and Mickey Woods met their sudden demise. 
They will be missed. Rest in Violence.
Speaking of fan favorites, Blaseball seems to have embraced idolatry, as fans were given the chance to receive Coinage in exchange for their collective worship. The popularity contest incensed the Shelled One, resulting in the Peanut calling a sudden STRIKE THREE and promptly SHELLING Jessica Telephone and Nagomi Mcdaniel. The players appear to be alive and unharmed, albeit stuck inside giant peanut pods.
Is a Fourth Strike looming? What happens if we Strike Out?
In politics, a landslide Election saw fans vote to Enhance Party Time! Biscayne Bay has alighted and invitations are in the mail! Should we be expecting Guests? It’s sure to be a rager, as players will be forced to party harder than ever. 
They can never stop. Even the dead don’t rest! 
In what was arguably the biggest news of the entire Election, the fans organized an act of communal necromancy, raising Garages star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers from the dead and Crediting Mike Townsend to the Shadows!
The Ledger Must be Balanced.
Debts will be Paid.
Play Ball.
== Season 7 ==
WINGS GO WILD! The Game Band (20 Sept 2020). Issue 7. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
The Mexico City Wild Wings shocked the world on Saturday, defeating the San Francisco Lovers and claiming their first Internet Series title!
Fresh off the heels of a failed legal battle, the Mild-mannered Wings entered Season 7 flying under the radars of fans and experts alike, having never known a winning season and having little to show from previous Elections.
What the Wings DID have was history -- the only franchise to never suffer a single roster shakeup, a team battle-tested by six seasons of shared struggle. That familiarity would prove essential in a season defined by familial loss, as the league was rocked by a debt crisis that saw countless fan favorites lost to the Void, a chain of lives cashed in.
But as bodies went up in smoke, the Wings kept their heads down and hung together, emerging from the regular season unscathed and claiming both their first winning season and Postseason berth.
And it was in the Postseason that the Wings really spiced things up -- first shocking the world with an upset sweep of the top-seeded Kansas City Breath Mints, and then surviving a stand-off with Returned Garages ace Jaylen Hotdogfingers in a Solar Eclipsed Mild League Championship Game 1 that saw a record FIVE players hit by pitch. 
The prospect of impending doom seemed to inspire Mexico City to finally tap into their Wild side, transforming the Wings as they battled back to even the series and overcome a tragic Game 3, in which beloved tire-with-a-bat Miguel Wheeler was incinerated while batting in a crucial RBI. The tire fire only seemed to fuel the Wings, as Bloodhouse-born rookie Case Sports stepped into Wheeler’s place -- the first new Wild Wing in ILB history -- and joined their veteran teammates on a mission to win it all for Miggy.
Were it not for the Wings dramatic transformation, the San Francisco Lovers very likely would have gone all the way, having upset the powerhouse Baltimore Crabs in the Wild League Championship Series. Despite falling just short, the future looks bright for the Lovers, who were able to cuddle up in the offseason Election and revamp their lineup.
While lives were sacrificed to the Ledger, #Snackrifice dominated the headlines in Season 7, as the Unlimited Tacos undertook a bizarre campaign to Shell their entire pitching rotation in yet another act of rebellion. While their gambit paid off, the Shelled One seemed little more than amused by the act of unity, caring more that its progeny finally got the shine they so richly deserved.
And when asked about the possibility of the Snackrifice breaking Blaseball, the Front Office simply noted that “Play must continue.”
In politics, a landslide win for the Bless Off Decree saw the Crabs, Breath Mints, Shoe Thieves and Jazz Hands denied divine affection. It’s unclear whether the spiteful vote will bring about the change so many want to see in the league, or whether fans will be left wondering what a field with five bases might have looked like. 
Seriously, a fifth base! How do you not vote for that?
Lastly, Blaseball crossed another milestone on the road to sustainability as the Official Patreon reached its second goal, a welcome surprise that appears to have woken up the Monitor, a giant cephalopod who claims to have trailed Hotdogfingers here from the Trench.
While the Monitor's intentions for the league remain unclear, it does seem to have developed a taste for peanuts, which it also seems to have misidentified as eggs. The creature also seems to be a bit of a deal maker, having offered fans the chance to visit their loved ones in the Hall of Flame. 
The price of admission? 
“Tiny eggs.”
Pay tribute. Play Ball.
== Season 8 ==
KING CRABS CROWNED AGAIN! The Game Band (28 Sept 2020). Issue 8. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
The Baltimore Crabs are TWO-TIME Champions! The cantankerous crustaceans defeated the Hades Tigers 3 games to 1 to claim their second Internet Series title in three seasons. Neither the ire of opposing fans, nor the shelling of star players Nagomi Mcdaniel and Axel Trololol could deny the Crabs their crown, as the champs dominated Season 8 with a league-leading record of 74-25, the second best regular season performance in ILB history (the Crabs set the record for most wins during their first title run).
The win also meant that fans hoping to see Ascension in Season 8 would have to wait at least one more season. After the Mild League Championship Series saw the Tigers defeat the only other two-time champion Philly Pies, the team from way down under found themselves on the cusp of activating Rule 5b. Unfortunately for the Tigers, a combination of recent roster shakeups and Crab firepower were just too much to overcome. The ILB now finds itself in a three-way race for Ascension, as the Crabs, Tigers and Pies jockey to be the first team to win three titles and subsequently “go up or climb,” or “rise through the air,” as the commissioner suggested / pulled from the dictionary.  It is still unclear what Ascension means.
Debt Trading had the league Flickering in Season 8, as Jaylen Hotdogfingers appears to have Refinanced in a mysterious deal with the Microphone. After Season 7 had fans watching the Garages ace claim countless lives for the Ledger, Season 8 saw Hotdogfingers engage in high-frequency trading, with wild pitches swapping beloved players between teams.
While the details of Jaylen’s deal remain unclear, the Microphone does seem to have taken a more proactive role in the ILB, having transformed both NaN and Sixpack Dogwalker into some sort of cosmic Receivers capable of broadcasting its messages to the league.
What we know so far: The Mic is claiming to be Wyatt Mason. And it supposedly has a plan.
In a landslide Election, fans voted to draw Wild Cards, expanding the Postseason field. Down-ballot races showcased surprising electoral strategy, as teams stole players from themselves and reached into rivals’ shadows for relief. The Mexico City Wild Wings made their way to the fiercely competitive Wild High, a move that shores up their branding but makes playoff hopes anything but guaranteed. Elsewhere, the Magic FINALLY got a Blessing, and the Canada Moist Talkers were awarded barrels of peanuts, ostensibly to feed the Monitor.
Speaking of the cephalopod, the Monitor continues to be enthralled with the Shelled One (or at least the prospect of eating it). But in a troubling turn of events, the squid also seems to have taken sudden interest in the shelled Idols.
None of that may matter if the Shelled One is to be believed. After fans offered 100 million peanuts in tribute to the dead, the Peanut berated them for wasting snacks, calling a Fourth Strike and claiming it was on its way.
Could this be yet another empty threat? Or have we finally struck out?
Either way, it appears we won’t find out until next week, as Blaseball is currently on Siesta, giving fans, players and the Front Office a chance to get some needed shut-eye.
Will Blaseball return rested and ready for action (and even Ascension)? 
Or will we wake up to our impending doom?
It’s anyone’s guess!
Sleep Well.
== Season 9 ==
SHOE THIEVES STEAL SERIES!AND FIGHT GOD! The Game Band (12 Oct 2020). Issue 9. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
The Charleston Shoe Thieves stole victory from the jaws of defeat Saturday, becoming the first team in ILB history to rally back from a 2-game deficit to capture their first Internet Series title. Stu Trololol’s three-run homer in the bottom of the ninth Shamed the reigning Baltimore Crabs, snatching the crustaceans' hope for a Season 9 Ascension!
The Shame Pit likely feels even deeper for the Crabs this season, having delivered what many experts are calling the biggest choke job in Internet League Blaseball history and once again denying fans the chance to experience Rule 6b. While countless pundits were certain it was once again Time for Crab, even more proclaimed the hour of Ascension at hand, as the Crabs, Pies and Tigers entered the Postseason with a chance to go up or climb. Alas, the Shoe Thieves decided to steal all our kicks. A perfect crime.
Until it all fell apart.
An Emergency Alert interrupted the Shoe Thieves’ getaway / Parade and the Shelled One descended, assembling its Pods and promising a lesson in Discipline. Led by recently acquired ace Jaylen Hotdogfingers, the Shoe Thieves charged into war with the Peanut, but quickly found themselves outgunned, unable to muster a Team Spirit capable of rivaling the divine. Fans watched in horror as former friends cut down Charleston’s champions, with the final, tragic blow coming in the form of a home run blast at the hands of Jessica Telephone.
As the smoke cleared, the Peanut offered a final choice -- either bend the knee, or feel the full force of its wrath.
The fans, expectedly, told it to UUUU off.
Perhaps just as predictably, the Monitor once again missed out on the action entirely (not to mention the prospect of feeling full). The cephalopod’s hunger only grew in Season 9, inspiring it to try and snack on Canada Moist Talker PolkaDot Patterson. Fortunately, the Monitor found the taste unappealing, leaving PolkaDot unharmed, if a bit Squiddish.
The Shelled One and its Pods now loom over Internet League Blaseball, awaiting our last, best shot, as inclement weather continues to rock the Immaterial Plane, with recent Election results only exacerbating the changing climate. The league issued a Severe Storm Warning early Sunday, advising fans to seek shelter as the Forecast calls for 99 Days of extreme Murmurations, Blooddrain and Solar Eclipse.
Elsewhere, the Microphone appears to have moved into a new phase of its Plan. After putting Jaylen in the right place at the wrong time, the Microphone urged the undead ace to accept the terms of yet another, even more mysterious deal, bringing warnings of a hostile takeover. 
But who sits across the Table? Who wants to purchase the Shares? 
And what can we do about any of it? Is Blaseball doomed? What chance could we have against such unfathomable power?
What if it’s a fight we can’t win?
Maybe all we can do is listen to Wyatt.
Have Hope.
Rally. Play Ball.
== Season 10 ==
TIME FOR CRAB TIME FOR CRAB TIME FOR CRABTHE DISCIPLINE ERA ENDS!GOD IS DEAD! The Game Band (19 Oct 2020). Issue 10. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
Third time’s the charm! The Baltimore Crabs are THREE-TIME Internet Series Champions after sweeping the Charleston Shoe Thieves to claim their THIRD Internet Series title!
The Crabs and Shoe Thieves once again found themselves fighting for a chance at divine intervention as the Shelled One’s Pods awaited the league’s best shot. The Crabs made quick work of the reigning champs, no doubt inspired by the sight of dearly-beloved (and newly resurrected) Tillman Henderson having replaced former ace Jaylen Hotdogfingers on the Charleston rotation. 
For many, it appeared as though history were Repeating in the Postseason. But Retrocausality soon reared its head in Game 3, as the Crabs collected 10 Runs in such an overwhelming display of power that the Sun finally hit Empty, collapsed and opened a Black Hole, thereby swallowing the moon and the Sunbeams’ spooky celebration! Fortunately, all Party attendees were evacuated in time. 
The cosmic event left Fans scratching their heads, as a quick glance at politics found the Black Hole Decree still on the ballot for the next Election and polls mere hours from closing. Had the crabs somehow Tangled Time? How could effect precede cause? Are wins and runs physical objects?
We’re getting off track.
Regardless, having pinched the Shoe Thieves’ hopes for revenge, the Crabs readied their claws to crack the Peanut. But the cantankerous crustaceans proved to be little more than batting practice, knocked out with a single swing from Pods’ hitter Wyatt Quitter.
The battle was over before it began. Fans were in shock. All seemed lost. The Shelled One bragged and showboated and readied its Pods to take their talents to the Big Leagues. But then --
A New Challenger!
Wyatt’s Deal seemingly cashed in, as an eleventh hour prayer was answered by a roster of formerly-incinerated Stars rising from the Hall, ready to lay it all on the line in one last game, led into battle by a Fliickerrriiing Jaylen Hotdogfingers.
The fighting kicked off in a fury, with the honey-roasted Pods unleashing a barrage of haymakers on the resurrected Hall Stars. And while it seemed like their might was once again unmatched, it would be endurance that would decide the day. The Hall Stars hung in, absorbing body blow after body blow, stars falling while others rose to take their place, seemingly fuelled by an endless supply of Team Spirit.
In the end, a walk-off blast from Dom Marijuana sealed the Shelled One’s fate, offering the Peanut up as a snack to everyone’s favorite Cephalopod.
God is dead. And apparently tastes bland.
In a single bite, everything changed. The Pods fell back to the Plane, finding themselves scattered across the league and challenged with new beginnings. The Hall Stars were Released to Free Agency (seemingly a buyout clause negotiated in Wyatt’s Deal). And with the race for Ascension called, the prophecy of Rule 6b came to pass as the Crabs went Up or Climbed (though not all -- Nagomi Mcdaniel, Sutton Dreamy and Montgomery Bullock appear to be set to Island Time due to the People's Champs Blessing). Even Tillman Henderson -- heart-of-the-team -- found himself Left Behind.
Peace & Prosperity now looms over the ILB, and with that promise comes new Ownership. The new Boss greeted Fans Sunday, announcing a surprise Promotion, a focus on Fair Play and an impending Grand Siesta.
And as dawn breaks over a new Era, fans find themselves considering the meaning of victory -- mourning losses, celebrating accomplishments, and considering the unknown road ahead. What new stories lay in wait for our heroes? What new chapter will we write together?
Before we can start, it appears we’ll need to do the Reading.
Play Fair. Play Ball
Wait a minute where ARE the Crabs?
== Season 11 ==
STARE INTO THE SUN 2!BEAMS THROW THE ILB FOR A LOOP! The Game Band (30 Oct 2020). Issue 11. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
The Hellmouth Sunbeams are your new Internet Series Champions! The Beams captured their first ILB title Saturday, defeating the Seattle Garages in a loopy (and nearly endless) Internet Series. Having already broken the single-season run record and overpowering the league thanks to the Fourth Strike, Walk in the Park and their blood-born Base Instincts, it seemed like the only team that might be capable of beating the superpowered Sunbeams in the Postseason... was the Sunbeams. As the Black Hole swallowed runs in bunches (reminder: wins and runs are physical objects), experts feared that the Beams had fallen victim to their own success, unable to lay off the gas and allowing Seattle to hang around just long enough to possibly stage an encore. The Sunbeams outscored the Garages 35-13 through 4 Games and yet somehow lost 3, offering up meal after meal to the celestial vortex and potentially trapping the ILB in Blaseball Infinite. Fortunately for all involved, the Beams focused their single braincell on pumping the breaks in Game 5, holding themselves to a measly 9 runs and allowing Lone Star Lars to close out the Series.
The win capped off a season ruled by general relativity, as Sun 2 and the Black Hole shook up the standings, resulting in teams winning to lose and losing to win, rooting interests being swung by the swing of a bat, and extra Games per Game and Wins per Win offered up as bonus entertainment for the stats community.
Everybody wins! 
With Peace and Prosperity returned to Blaseball, it appeared the gods were dead set on giving the people what they wanted in Season 11. Fans finally got to witness the hallowed Tigerbeams matchup that had been prophesied back in Season 1, a historic 6-Game Best-of-5 Wild League Championship Series that ended with the Sunbeams victorious, winning 5 wins to 3. We even saw the return of dearly departed fan-favorites, as Esme Ramsey found herself Haunted, randomly possessed by the Spirit of long lost Hall Stars and providing them a celebrity shot at statistical relevance from beyond the veil.
Season 11 was also a time for new beginnings and new heroes, as the Ascended Crabs were replaced in the league by the ILB’s newest franchise Tokyo Lift! Immediate fan-favorites, the Lift faced some adversity in Season 11, ending the season 28-61 and serving as hosts for the inaugural Party of the post-Discipline Era. Despite the lackluster results, the future seems bright for Tokyo’s heart and swole. Nowhere to Lift but Up!
Ownership has promised an era of Expansion for the ILB. That Future was Written Sunday, with the Deck Shuffled and Arcana distributed evenly, sealing the fates of our beloved franchises. Fans (or are they Shareholders?) took command of the Forbidden Book, bending the Ballot to their Will and demanding Concessions. Most notably, they appear to have made a sizable investment in the real estate market, closing on a prime piece of property and breaking ground on the first Ballpark, a resource sink known as The Crabitat. Rumor has it the project is already over budget.
Speaking of crustaceans, the Telescope provided glimpses into Blaseball2, where fans found the 1-Blood Blagonball and Ascended Champions struggling in their rookie season. Do the Crabs have what it takes to hang in the Majors? Or have they only stopped by for a cup of coffee?
Speaking of Coffee, the Front Office has some surprises brewing over the Grand Siesta. Fans are gearing up for Daleween, the Spies are organizing workplaces alongside the IWW (a subsequent warning has been issued to any Blaseball players even considering forming a union), and the Front Office is crafting an all-star legal team for what is sure to be the Trial of the Century.
Stay tuned! More announcements are just around the corner! Until then...
Sleep Well. Play Ball.
== The Return ==
THE RETURN The Game Band (28 Feb 2021). The Return. The Blaseball Beat.
OPENING DAY MONDAY, MARCH 1 at 11AM EST / 8AM PSTQUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE: 
Built Back Bigger and Better Than Ever Before!Concessions are open for business and the Fans have bent the Ballot to their Wills! In light of recent foundational concerns, Ballpark construction has been suspended indefinitely, pending an investigation.
Blaseball, Sustainable?The Feed will ensure Fans don't miss a moment of exciting #Blaseball action. And the all-new 3 On Season, 2 Off Season Schedule will bring some much needed rest!
Fates Sealed!Fans Wrote the Future during the Season 11 Election, and The First Reading introduced Arcana. Head over to the Concessions Stand to grab some Tarot Spread and prepare for the Earlsiesta's Seasonal Reading!
Peace & Prosperity II!Over a decade has passed since the events of the Discipline Era, and the league has slumbered peacefully under new Ownership. With Sun 2 rising on a New Era, experts say the forecast looks Fair. Blaseball's looking up!
== Season 12 ==
IT'S AN AMBUSHTIGERS STRIKE FOR THIRD CHAMPIONSHIP!EXPANSION PROTOCOLS ACTIVATEDThe Game Band (7 Mar 2021). Issue 12. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
One Tiger Times Three!The Hades Tigers captured their third championship Saturday, defeating the Seattle Garages in a thrilling Internet Series filled with pitchers' duels and extra inning slugfests. No strangers to drama, the heavy favorite Tigers found themselves falling behind twice to Seattle before a red hot Aldon Cashmoney sparked an offensive barrage that put the team from way-down-under back on the very top of the ILB.
Changing Stripes!With Ascension Struck Out, Sunday's Election saw Fans vote in overwhelming numbers to pass the Based Evolution Decree, resulting in the 3x Champion Tigers rounding the first of their phylogenetic bases and unveiling a teamwide talent that looks to make Hades a Hall-Star destination for Seasons to come.
Same Old SongSeattle found familiar rhythms in the Postseason, scribbling yet another Mild League Championship in their liner notes before cutting the show short on the biggest possible stage. Experts wonder if a certain double-shadowed credit might be just what the team needs to have any hope of cutting a better record. Speaking of which...
You Will Hear Discipline!The Garages (the band) and the Front Office announced the first official Internet League Blaseball Merch, a double-LP Vinyl titled "DISCIPLINE," sonically chronicling the events of the Discipline Era. Now available for pre-order!
Give The People What They Want!The Tigers weren't the only ones noticing major changes in Season 12. Blaseball itself appears to have evolved, as Ownership greeted Fans with better odds, the chance to write-in preferred Electoral candidates, and a menu of tasty treats fetching top dollar. Amid reports of burnt Snacks and the occasional grease fire, the league put out a statement assuring Fans that the new Food & Beverage director has Concessions under control.
Out of the BreachFans of the Baltimore Crabs flipped Blaseball on its head in Season 12, planting the flag for their Crabitat (despite multiple warnings) and causing a surge of Immateria to Flood the Plane, sweeping the cantankerous crustaceans back into the league with three New Teams in tow -- the Atlantis Georgias, Core Mechanics and Ohio Worms! Witnesses were quick to point out that each of the new additions appears to be a three-time champion in their own right, wielding an evolutionary advantage over all but the Tigers. Can the rest of the league rise to their challenge?
Meanwhile, Flooding saw runners swept from play and fan-favorites swept Elsewhere. Most of our heroes have made it back to their respective teams, though as of the writing of this story Beasley Day remains missing. In hopes of plugging the Fan-made disaster before it could deepen any further, Ownership was forced to activate Expansion Protocols, greenlighting Ballpark construction league-wide. Thankfully, experts suggest that things may already be leveling off, thanks to the league’s swift action.
Shorting Out?That may not be enough to save our good friend Wyatt Mason however, as the Microphone appears to be experiencing technical difficulties. Experts suspect the cosmic broadcaster may have been splashed in the surge.
Tasting the Infinite?Despite ongoing cleanup efforts, traces of the Shelled One's reign appear to be lingering across the ILB, as honey-roasted Players found themselves tasting the infinite and Shelling the occasional opponent.
WeatherIn Weather, Sun 2 and Black Hole once again shook up the newly-improved standings, Coffee patterns continued to circulate, Reverb shook up Baby Triumphant and Feedback kicked off the next leg of the Jaylen World Tour. In tragic news, Wild Wings hitter Case Sports and Firefighters hitter Joshua Butts were both incinerated on the same day.
Golden GloveOn a brighter note, the Economy was absolutely booming in Season 12, largely thanks to Yellowstone Magic Hitter Wyatt Glover, a different kind of Credit to the Team that had speculators cornering the hot dog and sesame seed markets..
Swing AwayIn other news, Chorby Short shattered the all-time foul ball record, smashing 2345 pitches out of fair play. The next closest was Jaxon Buckley at 304.* The future of play appears to be Foul.
Blaseball is back. 
Rejoice. Play Ball.
*Credit to @BiffIfh at The Society for Internet Blaseball Research
== Season 13 ==
CRABS FAST!CRUSTACEANS CLAW THE COMPETITION The Game Band (16 Mar 2021). Issue 13. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
Small-Ball CrabsThe All-New Baltimore Crabs shocked the world Saturday, sweeping the Postseason to claim their fourth Internet Series Championship over the LA Unlimited Tacos. The cantankerous crustaceans played small-ball in Season 14, relying on the Fourth Strike, dominant pitching, team defense and a speedy Ballpark to join the Atlantis Georgias and Ohio Worms as the only ILB Teams with 4 championships.
Mind the GapsFlooding caused by the fan-made crisis continued to sweep Players Elsewhere in Season 13. Those that did find their way back struggled to pull themselves together, leaving Teams with serious holes in their rosters.
Hands on the DialMeanwhile, Snackholders completed construction of their home Ballparks, allowing Teams to personalize home field advantage and giving Fans the chance to really crank up the fun!
HeavyweightsFans named York Silk, Nagomi Mcdaniel, Aldon Cashmoney, Sexton Wheerer, Wyatt Glover, Goodwin Morin, Peanut Bong, Sutton Picklestein, Jessica Telephone and Pitching Machine the MVPs of season 13! The weight of this accomplishment cannot be understated!
Where'd You Go, Friendo?Ownership responded to a missing persons report Sunday, hiring top-tier investigators to look into the sudden disappearances of Brisket Friendo and Tad Seeth.
Don't Call It A ComebackRecently deceased Sutton Picklestein's ILB return lasted all of about 9 seconds Sunday, before the base-stealing speedster returned to the Hall of Flame accompanied by heart of the team Tillman Henderson.
Free Will for AllThe Election saw Fans vote in overwhelming numbers to pass the Free Wills Decree, hoping to bring some much needed balance to league play. But will beneficiaries find the agency they're hoping for? We'll see!
Credits to the LeagueSeason 14 is already underway! Amid rising tides and the threat of spoiling Snacks, Ownership urged collective effort in keeping the league afloat, empowering Teams with the metrics needed to gauge their Contributions. Despite talk of sacrifice, Ownership appeared so confident in Blaseball's chances that vacation started early, leaving the Fans manning the helm and the Food and Beverage Director fielding calls.
Mason, Wyatt, Over?Today's Seasonal Reading echoed Seasons past, as former Tacos Wyatt Quitter and Moses Mason were re-tuned and ready for broadcast. But with Wyatt Scattered and the Microphone shorting out, will there be anyone left to call the game? Is our good friend in danger? Is there any way to help?
Find out next time on Internet League #Blaseball!
Tune In. Play Ball.
== Season 14 ==
FOR YORK!MOIST TALKERS CLAIM FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP The Game Band (4 Apr 2021). Issue 14. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
Talk Spit!
The Canada Moist Talkers are your new Internet Series Champions! As Flooding continued to sweep Players Elsewhere in Season 14, the Talkers withstood the pressure of high expectations to capture the franchise's first championship.
Following the sudden, staggering loss of league MVP and home run record holder York Silk near the end of the Regular Season, Fans rallied around the Talkers, urging the team to bring home the title for their beloved slugger and inspiring Canada's best to overperform even their own expectations, finishing the season with a league-leading 69 wins and surviving a dead-locked best-of-5-6-game Mild League Championship Series against the Chorby Short-led Yellowstone Magic, all before sweeping the LA Unlimited Tacos in a lopsided Internet Series.
With cheers of “For York” echoing across Blaseball, the champion Moist Talkers dedicated the victory to the dearly departed wielder of the Vibe Check, who -- in a shocking twist of events -- now plays for Division Rival Baltimore Crabs (more on that later).
Mic Drop!
Renovations caused some serious static in Season 14, as thirteen teams built Psychoacoustics in an attempt to bring an audible advantage to their home games, only for the re-tuned harmonics to unwittingly localize Wyatt Mason back onto the Teams' rosters, ripping the beloved broadcaster from his Microphone and scattering thirteen echoes across the league*.
Our good friend(s)' return appears to be short-lived, as the Wyatts soon began cancelling each other out, leaving behind little more than cosmic Static in what has been deemed (another?) UnMasoning.
Worst of all, it appears that the Wyatts aren't the only ones on the Receiving end of this quantum cancellation, as fan-favorite Wyatt Quitter found themself Static-shocked. And with the Microphone offline and only Wyatt Mason X and Wyatt Mason IV still in play, Fans are left to wonder whether this was some sort of cruel, cosmic joke, or whether they'd accidentally constructed an ambush.
After all, what was Wyatt trying to warn us about in his last transmission? And are NaN, Sixpack Dogwalker and Moses Mason destined to suffer Quitter's fate? Or might there be some alternate role awaiting them?
Foul Play?
Authorities suggested possible foul play in connection to the recent disappearances of Brisket Friendo and Tad Seeth, as the Kansas City FreshDome and Choux Stadium were named active crime scenes. While Ownership claims to have the very best investigators on the case, the Hardboiled Players remain tight-lipped regarding details, and sources close to the investigation have intimated that the detectives may be operating off little more than hunches.
It's a Feeding Frenzy!
In politics, Fans voted overwhelmingly for the All You Can Eat Decree, expanding their Snack Packs and transforming Concessions into an unlimited buffet, putting the burden of their insatiable appetites on the multitasking Monitor. While Ownership declined to comment on rumors of spoiling snacks and a possible infestation, they reiterated their confidence in the newly promoted Food and Beverage Director, who will be held fully responsible.
Red Alert!
Reports of Consumer attacks have Blaseball on high alert, as multiple Players lost stars (and more than a few fingers) in seemingly random attacks. Despite a call for collective action to keep the league afloat, Teams watched their Ratings continue to sink as predators caught scent of blood in the water.
Necromancy II!
Blaseball has once again found itself dabbling in the dark arts. Fans watched in horror as recently-deceased York Silk joined the Moist Talkers' division rival Baltimore Crabs, while the Seattle Garages continued to build out the band, adding the aptly-named Chorby Soul to an already weighty rotation in a move that left experts scratching their heads. Are the Garages hoping for an uptick in Unruns? Or might the addition of Soul prove to be an anchor weighing them down?
Either way, it appears the Garages are in deep.
Sink or Swim. Play Ball.
*The hard-hitting Fan Analysts over at Blaseball News Network put together Power Rankings of all thirteen Wyatt Mason echoes! Check 'em out!
== Mid-Season 15 ==
CONSUMERS ATTACK CHORBY SOUL ! The Game Band (07 Apr 2021). Issue 15-1. The Blaseball Beat.
WAKE UP, PLAY BALL!
The ILB is back with three more weeks of exciting #Blaseball action as Season 15 kicks into high gear!
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
Necromancy II!
Blaseball has once again dabbled in the dark arts. Fans watched in horror as recently-deceased York Silk joined the Moist Talkers' division rival Baltimore Crabs, while the Seattle Garages continued to build out the band, adding Chorby Soul to an already weighty rotation.
Feeding Frenzy
Reports of Consumer attacks have Blaseball on high alert, as recently-resurrected Chorby Soul has found themself on the hook for the Fan's hubris, repeatedly attacked by Consumers. Thankfully, the aptly-named Soul appears to be shielding the rest of the Garages from the dangers of the deep.
Mic Drop!
Thirteen teams built Psychoacoustics for their ballparks, attempting to bring an audible advantage to their home games, only for the re-tuned harmonics to unwittingly localize thirteen Wyatt Masons back onto the Teams' rosters.
Wyatt's return to Blaseball appears to be short-lived, as the Wyatts soon began cancelling one another out, leaving behind little more than cosmic Static in what has been deemed a second UnMasoning.
Foul Play?
Authorities suggested possible foul play in connection to the recent disappearances of Brisket Friendo, Tad Seeth, and other fan favorites. Thankfully, Ownership has assured us they have top investigators on the case!
Blaseball Roundup!
New to Blaseball? Need to catch up on the chaos of the Expansion Era?
Check out the official Blaseball Roundup!
Dive Deeper!
Want to jump in over your head with Blaseball? Check out the all-new The Game, Bland, an ongoing development blog presenting insider information from the Front Office and friends!
The Game, Bland launches today with the first in an on-going series of Blaseball Analysis from official ILB Ambassador Cat Manning, edited by Sam Kabo Ashwell!
== Season 15 ==
BACK 2 BACK TALK!MOIST TALKERS REPEAT AS SEASON 15 CHAMPIONSCONSUMERS ATTACK CHORBY SOUL The Game Band (15 Apr 2021). Issue 15-2. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
TOUGH TALKERS!
The Moist Talkers are still your Internet Series Champions! Not even their formerly deceased MVP York Silk could stand in their way in Season 15, as the Talkers defeated the Baltimore Crabs in a star-studded Mild League Championship Series before besting the Wild Card Wings in a lopsided Internet Series to claim their second championship. With a second title under their belts and newly-acquired H2O blood coursing through their veins, many experts are wondering if a three-peat isn't all but guaranteed. Will the water logged champions take their phylogenetic base?
CURRENT EVENTS
The Seasonal Reading found fans looking Downstream, as the reader of the purple prose granted Teams with glimpses of the near future, resulting in the tanking Breath Mints finding themselves suddenly Middling toward the Postseason and the Flowers partying until the break of dawn.
HOOK, LINE AND SINKER
Fans watched in horror/amusement/boredom as Chorby Soul suffered a total of 138 Consumer attacks in Season 15 (and has likely just been attacked at the time of this writing). While the constant nibbling appears to have seriously impaired the fan-favorite, Chorby's Soul shielded teammates from harm in Season 15, tanking Seattle's chances while sending ratings through the roof!
DEBT COLLECTORS
Unfortunately, stellar ratings can't seem to keep the ILB from falling deeper into debt. The aforementioned Soul and Silk appear to have picked up where Hotdogfingers left off, cursed to balance the Ledger by randomly striking Players mid game, leaving their victims in need of careful Observation.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE
The ongoing investigation into recent disappearances appears to have hit a dead end, as the hardboiled Uncle Plasma investigated Crime Scenes at both Choux Stadium and the FreshDome and came up empty. Complicating matters, fellow hardboiled player and other half of the dynamic duo Liquid Friend was also reported missing. When reached for comment, Uncle Plasma noted that they sensed something fishy and suggested someone might be keeping secrets, before promptly returning to play.
HIDE AND SEEK
Multiple Teams built Secret Bases into their Ballparks, allowing Players to hide out for indeterminate amounts of time (and space), sometimes even during their own at-bats! As Players batted themselves in from scoring position, rumors began to swirl of strange sightings near the bases.
MIA
Speaking of strange sightings, the Miami Dale finally found their way into the Postseason, making the ILB's life of the party fashionably late for the festivities for the first time in franchise history. Has the armada finally arrived in Biscayne Bay? Will it ever reach Saturday shores?
DO A KICK FLIP
The league went to extreme lengths in Season 15 as Teams built Grind Rails in their ballparks, giving Players to show off some new tricks. Grind Rail Viewer created by DLareau#4178 on Discord quickly cobbled together a leaderboard to track style points as Players stunted on their way to third base.
SALMON
In Weather, Fans felt the pull of temporal undertow as schools of Salmon swam Upstream, catching runs in their binds and spawning Innings per Inning, fulfilling the SIBRmetric prophesy.
ALL THAT GLITTERS
In a landslide Election, Fans voted to pass the Bats Decree, equipping the entire league with Bats for the first time in recent memory and urging the Players to swing away at pitches and pests alike. This mass production appears to be thanks to Lōotcrates, official ILB Historian and entity in charge of fabrication, who greeted with gifts and an interest in crafting the legends of the new age.
The Enquiry Resumes. Play Ball.
== Season 16 ==
A-1 STEAKS! WELL DONE!STEAKS' RARE RALLY CLAIMS FRANCHISE FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP! The Game Band (21 Apr 2021). Issue 16. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
SUN 2 SEARED
The Dallas Steaks are your new Internet Series Champions! The Steaks managed to reverse the curse of early round exits and Lateseason collapses in Season 16, putting together a dominant 73 win record to emerge as clear favorites heading into the Postseason. But despite pacing the league in the Regular Season, the Steaks' championship run is likely to be best remembered by the rarest of rallies ever seen in an Internet Series. Trailing 2-1 to Chicago, it seemed like Steaks' title hopes might be all but Texas toast. But Sun 2 smiled on Game 4, a game that saw 15 runs scored and the Steaks grilling up 2 wins to clinch the franchise's first championship. With Season 17 under way and Dallas once again atop the standings, it appears we won’t be leaving the cookout any time soon!
CHORBY SOULIN MEMORIAM
No one knows that any better than the recently resurrected Chorby Soul, who found themselves incinerated during the Lateseason, only to be resurrected again during Sunday’s Election. Soul has since been incinerated.
GO FISH
Teams equipped their stadiums with Salmon Cannons in Season 16, ridding their ballparks of pesky pests (and opponents)! Could this be a sign of a turning tide?
RISING STARSSILK & MCDANIEL
League Historian Lōotcrates appears to have taken an interest in the MVP race, heralding the Dawn of a new age as the lights grew brighter on the ILB's best. Two names stood out in Season 16, as York Silk and Nagomi Mcdaniel found their egos boosted boosted boosted boosted, marking the fan favorites as true Legends in the making and building the pressure on the perennial MVPs to critical mass.
REDACTED
The Investigation into the wave of recent Disappearances appears to be Scrambled. As more Players vanished before our very eyes in Season 16, Fans watched in horror as some of those same missing persons turned up found, although strangely in a different state than we'd last seen them. With the league inundated by Consumer Reports and Investigators divided on the issue, Fans are wondering what hope there might be for our heroes.
ALL THAT GLITTERS
In Weather, Glitter storms rained down prized possessions, outfitting Players with new abilities and unique keepsakes.
IS GOLD?
Material conditions also dominated Politics, as Fans voted in overwhelming numbers for the Community Chest Decree, giving Teams the chance to dip into Lōotcrates' personal Collections and allowing the League Historian to spread the wealth around, encouraging Players to craft their own, unique Stories.
Gotcha. Play Ball!
== Season 17 ==
TUESDAY HAS COME!LA UNLIMITED TACOS WIN INTERNET SERIES 17!BLASEBALL RETURNS The Game Band (09 May 2021). Issue 17. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
Tuesday(s)
The LA Unlimited Tacos are your new Internet Series Champions! After recent Postseasons saw the Tacos get eaten on the biggest possible stage, Los Angeli’s bite-sized roster finally came through in the crunch, sweeping both WLCS and Internet Series to claim Los Angeli’s first championship! Despite losing Sexton Wheerer to a Magic plunder in Sunday’s Election, experts say the Tacos look primed for a second helping, having added the Untouchable Fish Summer to the menu and seasoned the squad with Acidic Blood. Will Season 18 still be Tuesday?
Do You Believe?
After suffering massive losses in Season 16, the Yellowstone Magic had the ILB under their spell, putting together a dominant (and very As Above, So Below) record of 72-27 and securing a Mild League one-seed. Though the Postseason lacked the Magic’s Regular Season magic, a slew of roster moves (and Strange Attractions) appear to have Yellowstone cooking up another winning brew.
Hospitality
Teams installed Fax Machines and Hotel Motels in their Ballparks, allowing them to dial up some sweet Rotation Relief and offering Runs and Recreation during Holiday Innings.
Between the Lines
The Earlsiesta took a dramatic turn as an unwitting Baby Doyle found themself caught out of position and subsequently Entangled, while Orville Manco was Forced under watchful eye. This prompted harsh words from League Historian , who accused the Reader of inserting themself into the text and plagiarizing other sources.
Collector’s Additions
The MVP race Forged the first Legends of the Expansion Era, as all-stars York Silk and Nagomi Mcdaniel found themselves Vaulted, Preserved in perpetuity in order to be shared with Fans everywhere.
Prime Destinations
Lōotcrates’ generosity now seems to have extended to Politics. The Season 17 Election saw Blaseball expand into new territories, offering access to three, curated Landmarks pulled from Antiquities. Voters chose to try their luck in the Fairgrounds, promising prizes won in random midway battles, while various Ballparks installed Smithy in the hope of allowing Teams to fix the stuff they break for a change. But despite the various hotspots offered by our League Historian, the hotly-contested Election largely proved to be a race for second place, as Fans voted in overwhelming numbers to open the Library, a collective effort to Remember Before. But what secrets might be found in the Stacks? What new Legends might be unearthed? Could History Repeat? Or will it Rhyme?
Internet League #Blaseball returns Monday May 10th at 11AM Eastern, 8AM Pacific!
Hit the Books! Play Ball!
== Season 18 ==
GEAR UPCORE MECHANICS CLAIM 4TH CHAMPIONSHIP! The Game Band (20 May 2021). Issue 18. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
CORE NUMBER 4
The Core Mechanics are your new Internet Series Champions! The win was a return to form for the Mechanics, who previously cemented their dynasty with three wins in [REDACTED BY LEAGUE HISTORIAN]. Despite the pedigree, the Mechanics entered the Postseason as an underdog, idling quietly as the Philly Pies dominated headlines with a nearly historic 79-win Regular Season. But the Mechs Geared Up when it mattered most, sweeping the Pies in the MLCS (and once again denying Philly its phylogenic base), before going on to dismantle a grown-up Boston Flowers in the Internet Series.
GIFTED
The Grand Opening of the ILB Gift Shop sparked a league-wide shopping spree that saw Fans sending some commodifed love to their treasured rivals. The hottest gifts of the Season? Divine interventions like Home Field Advantage and The Fourth Strike, and mint-conditioned collectors editions of Naomi McDaniel, York Silk and Chorby Soul!
CASE CLOSED?
The mysterious disappearances and reappearances that plagued the ILB for Seasons appear to be a distant memory. Despite suspicions, league investigators remain divided on the issue, and sources close to the case suggest that, barring outside assistance, we might be gated off from the truth forever.
SPEAKING VOLUMES
Chapters of League Historian Lōotcrates’s ongoing enquiry were made available for public consumption, giving Fans a peek into Pre-History I and a light stroll down memory lane. League officials promised more volumes are on the way, pending the necessary review and redactions of the highly classified material.
POWER STRUGGLE?
Conflict at the executive level seems to have spilled into public view as Ownership suspended Seasonal Readings indefinitely, following accusations of base dealing and sewing dissent. The suspension of powers did not go over well, as the Reader retaliated in a surprising act of open rebellion, Defacing the Ballot in what league officials are calling a concerted effort to undermine the Election. Ownership preached calm and urged voters to vote their conscience, pointing to early exit polls as proof of public confidence, trusting that a booming economy and soaring Ratings would easily outmatch any outside (or is it inside?) agitation.
TABLES TURNED
That trust appears to have been misplaced, as Fans voted in overwhelming numbers for the mysterious Reader’s write-in Decree, installing a Turntable in every Ballpark. Making matters worse, the subsequent passage of Ratification codified the renovation into non-physical law, forcing Ownership (and Fans) to rethink the very nature of victory. While the results were deemed a disappointment and likely spell losses for the league’s immediate future, Ownership vowed that, through hard work and collective sacrifice, victory would win out in the end.
Internet League #Blaseball returns Monday May 10th at 11AM Eastern, 8AM Pacific!
Win and/or Lose. Play Ball.
== Season 19 ==
THE ONLY WAY TO LIFT IS… UP?TOKYO LIFT LOSE TO WIN FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP!BLASEBALL IS BACK! The Game Band (13 Jun 2021). Issue 19. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
TABLES TURNED
The Tokyo Lift are your new Internet Series Champions! As ILB's heavyweight franchises struggled to find success in a Season in which Winning was Losing, the Tokyo Lift lost just enough to put themselves in prime position, taking the Postseason by storm and eliminating the Seattle Garages in a hard-fought Internet Series to press the franchise’s first championship. With a new personal best under their belts, the champs are looking to max out another set in Season 20!
GOING NEGATIVE
Ratings tanked as the recently-Ratified Turntables Decree saw Blaseball record massive Losses in Season 19. Rumors of a power struggle at the Management Level were seemingly confirmed as a Recall Election aimed to undo the mysterious Reader’s negative influence on the league. Not to be outdone, the Reader offered yet another mysterious Decree, giving voters the choice between returning to the status quo and deepening the chaos.
BOOMSHAKALAKA
Despite the apparent internal struggles, expansion continued apace across the ILB. Season 19 also saw Teams install Hoops in their Ballparks, giving Players the opportunity to go up for Alley-Oops on well-hit homers, slamming down extra runs and turning games into flashy dunk contests.
RED LIGHT GREEN LIGHT
In Weather, the Turntables seem to have induced random shifts in Polarity, as sudden surges of quantum spin randomly flipped Runs to UnRuns and back again, giving Fans the green light to panic as they struggled to determine whether to cheer for or against their own Teams at any given moment.
HALL PASS
Death somehow became even less certain in Season 19, as Pudge Nakamoto Roamed out of the Hall of Flame, prompting Fans to question whether anyone had ever even thought to try the door in the first place. When pressed on the escape, league officials noted that responsibility for the Hall falls squarely on the shoulders of the Monitor, and emphasized that the league will not be held liable for any damage Pudge might cause. Some are wondering if the necromantic oversight might be the result of too much recent success, that the cephalopod’s lengthy CV might be wearing the squid thin, and that for all of the Monitor’s effort, attention to detail appears to be slipping.
GOING UNDER
Sunday’s contentious and tightly contested Election ultimately saw the passage of the Reader’s Under Achievers Decree, calling for the installation of the Underbracket, a Postseason race to the bottom that should call the entire idea of success further into question.
A SECOND DAY?
With Turntables still intact and Blaseball so clearly divided, Ownership was forced to take drastic action, Leveraging the league in an unprecedented Election Day deal that resulted in the newly-forged Sun(Sun) being Set upon the league, a seemingly limitless power source that Ownership promised would restore unity and push Blaseball in a more positive direction.
Internet League #Blaseball returns Monday June 14th at 11AM Eastern, 8AM Pacific!
Everybody Wins! Play Ball!
== Season 20 ==
CORE(CORE)!Core Mechanics Build on their Dynasty with Season 20 Win(Win)! The Game Band (1 Jul 2021). Issue 20. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
MORE CORE
The Core Mechanics are your Season 20 Internet Series Champions! Basking in the golden light of Sun(Sun), Teams got back to the business of Winning and the Mechanics got back to doing what they do best: tuning up the competition on their way to the franchise’s fifth Championship (and second in three seasons). With another dynasty in the works, the Pillars’ fixers head into Season 21 drafting blueprints for a second Phylogenic Base. Can anyone throw a wrench in their plans?
UNWINNING HEARTS AND MINDS
The San Francisco Lovers are your new Internet Series Underchampions! After Seasons of struggle, the Bay Area’s best friends huddled up and showed love to the competition, giving away game after game on the way to the franchise’s first title and the first Underchampionship since Blaseball’s Return!
UNDERDONE
Teams went increasingly negative in Season 20, relying on Underhanded pitchers to toss in absolute meatballs, begging opposing hitters to do their best-worst and wreaking havoc on the economy and the standings.
GOING LONG
The mysterious Reader has revealed the Depth Chart, giving Teams the opportunity to catch their bearings, secure their Positions, and eye the Over/Under of their Seasonal prospects.
LIGHT SWITCH
In a moment of levity, as the Runs and Wins poured in, Fans were delighted to see their Ballparks inflate Balloons, providing their heroes with some much-needed lift (and occasionally scaring off the odd feathered friend).
EXTRASun
A contested Election saw Fans Set Sun(30) on the League, drawing from the immeasurable power of Sun(Sun) to reward Teams willing to go the distance. Management rejoiced in the light of the extra innings addition, confident their recent investment in unprecedented solar power has put Blaseball on a path to big Wins and even bigger Ratings.
ALASKA FOREVER?
League Historian Lōotcrates approved the release of new Chapters for public consumption in the ILB Library, introducing Fans to the deceased Alaskan Immortals, former champions of the Ultra League. As ancient names filled new space in the Hall and took to haunting Crabs hitter Kennedy Loser, fans were left to question -- what other secrets might be unearthed? Who might be found?
Will we finally remember before?
Read Deep. Play Ball!
== Season 21 ==
CLAWS UP! CRAB AND GO!The New Baltimore Crabs Pinch Season 21! The Game Band (1 Jul 2021). Issue 21. The Blaseball Beat.
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE
CRABS (ALIVE) GOOD AGAIN
The Baltimore Crabs (alive) are your new Internet Series Champions! After a dominant Regular Season, the cantankerous crustaceans defeated the Hades Tigers in a blast-from-the-past Internet Series matchup that saw the Crabs secure their fifth Championship, putting them in a horse race with the Core Mechanics for a next Evolutionary step!
BEAM ME DOWN
The Hellmouth Sunbeams are your new Internet Series Underchampions! Having drawn a Wild Card into Underbracket 21, many expected the Postseason Birth might prove the sole blessing for the Beams. But inspired (or distracted) by the increasing number of solar objects, the Sunbeams sunk to the occasion, nearly sweeping the Wild Card in a single game and giving the competition their absolute worst in order to secure the franchise’s first Underchampionship! Never estimate the Beams!
BAH GAWD
That’s BC Noir’s music! Replicas of the ILB’s Legendary Duo found themselves reunited in a royal rumble, suplexing League Defenses in a no-holds-barred display of power that had Fans maniacal and left Management feeling raw. Experts worry that the tag-team’s summer slam might prove a tipping point for the league, that even soaring ratings might not be enough to improve increasingly starved Consumer Reports. League Officials condemned the recent violence and insiders suggested that, barring a drastic improvement in job performance, a change in Gift Shop management might be rapidly approaching.
SWIM MOVE
On the other end of the Depth Chart, Fans watched as the Atlantis Georgias tanked their way to within scoring distance of blaseball0.com. But why did the mysterious Reader call this particular play? What Chaos lurks in the vast desert of the [REDACTED]? Could Teams actually Touch Down? Or should they heed the Historian’s warning and choose Safety?
FORECAST: sun
Management once again looked to boost Ratings with Sunday's Election, offering up potential Sun(Sun) progeny that could add to Teams' Run Piles. In yet another heavily contested Election, Fans voted to set Sun.1, thereby adding just a teensy bit of extra juice to each inning, and shining light on their Magnified Players.
GO FISH
Blaseball found itself flush with a cephalopod’s favorite snack after the Ohio Worms jumped on the hook in Season 21, smashing the Bad Gateway and unleashing a school of Red Herring on unwitting Fans. While many expected a glimpse of the Big Leagues, the seafood instead provided visions of Eras past, allowing Fans to skirt security protocols and leak highly sensitive information deemed inappropriate for public consumption. Management condemned the Leaks and called for Fans cease and desist at once.
DEEP READ
Those warnings went mostly ignored, as amateur historians tore through the stacks with reckless abandon, uncovering alternating stories of forgotten Legends, sudden incinerations of entire franchises, even a whole Team of Dogs YOU CAN NOW PET! But the Leaks's most shocking revelation appears to be the discovery of former Alaskan Immortal, Canada Artist, and [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED] Parker MacMillan, a Legendary journeyman and ancestor of the ILB’s very own commissioner. Reached for comment on his lineage, the Intern-Interim Commissioner locked his twitter account.
WAKE UP. Play Ball!
== Gamma 4 (Version 1) ==
PARTY ON BLASEBALL The Game Band (23 Jan 2022). Website. The Blaseball Beat.This issue was visible only on the The Blaseball Beat Widget of Blaseball.com's home page, and was not distributed via Email or Mailchimp.
The Microphone appears to have put us all in Party Time, having Tuned into what can only be described as a cosmic celebration in full swing. While Teams are mingling and getting ready to rage, the Host is nowhere to be seen, though presumably its hands are full prepping the high profile MidSeason Fiesta. Those in the know say the ultra-exclusive event will prove to be a game changer, where victory may turn some wallflower into a true party animal.
== Gamma 4 (Version 2) ==
PARTY ON BLASEBALL The Game Band (23 Jan 2022). Website. The Blaseball Beat.This issue was visible only on the The Blaseball Beat Widget of Blaseball.com's home page, and was not distributed via Email or Mailchimp.
The Microphone appears to have put us all in Party Time, having Tuned into what can only be described as a cosmic celebration in full swing, hosted by the recently jobless Monitor. While Teams are mingling and getting ready to rage, everyone's favorite cephalopod appears to have its hands full prepping the high profile MidSeason Fiesta. Those in the know say the ultra-exclusive event will prove to be a game changer, where victory may turn some wallflower into a true party animal.
==Notes==
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Category:History
Category:Lore