SpongeBob eats Mayonnaise

After buying some Burger King for dinner and walking home, I saw my neighbor was having a garage sale. I walked up to see what he was selling, and it was mostly old Beatles records and singles and some paintings he but, when I saw a VHS tape labeled 'SpongeBob eats Mayonnaise". I asked my neighbor how much the tape costed. My neighbor suddenly had a distressed look. He started shaking. He yelled, "TAKE IT! TAKE IT AND DESTROY WHICH I CAN'T SINCE I GOT TICKETS TO SEE AN EARLY SCREENING TO THE DOG MAN MOVIE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE LATE!" He handed the tape to me, and I started eating my Burger King as I continued walking home. When I got home, I put up my coat and threw my bag in the trash since I had finished my food. I looked at the tape, and despite my neighbors warning, I put the tape in the VCR.
The theme song started, playing as usual, except the notes were flat and the singer sounded constipated. I thought nothing of it, though, the tape looked like it had been made the same time SpongeBob came out, around 1999. So, it might've been because it was old. The title card came up, saying, "SpongeBob eats Mayonnaise." My friend walked in the door, and he looked at the title card. "What's that"? He said. "Some old SpongeBob tape that my neighbor gave me," I said. Me and my friend sat down on the couch and watched the episode progress.
The episode started as normal, with SpongeBob, happy than ever, playing with his snail, Gary. "Well, Gary," SpongeBob said, "I should probably feed you now!" SpongeBob and Gary went into the kitchen, as SpongeBob pulled out a can of Snail-Po and put it in Gary's bowl. After eating his food, Gary said, "Meow" and his eyes pointed at a jar of mayonnaise on top of the cabinet. "Oh!" said SpongeBob. "That's where the mayo went!"
Me and my friend looked at each other. "This is fucking stupid!" my friend said. "Yeah," I said, "blind people can see that." We continued to watch the episode despite this. SpongeBob said, "Gotta make sure it's still good!" Suddenly, SpongeBob grabbed a butter knife, put it in the jar, and tasted the mayonnaise. He threw up on Gary. "Meow!" Gary said, though I think he was saying, "What the fuck, SpongeBob, that's fucking gross, man, fucking nasty, dude." SpongeBob started rolling on the ground like he was having a seizure.
Me and my friend looked at each other. "What is this?" He said. "I don't know." I said. Suddenly, Patrick walked in. "SpongeBob!" He said. Patrick saw SpongeBob rolling on the ground. Patrick grabbed the jar of mayonnaise. The label was peeling off. Patrick took the label off, revealing the true label, "Seizure Hypnosis: Very Effective!" Patrick looked down at SpongeBob, then at the mayonnaise label. Then again. Then again. Then again. Then again. "Okay, then." Patrick said, then left SpongeBob's house.
Then, Squidward walked in SpongeBob's house after watching Patrick and getting suspicious of what he was doing. Squidward looked at SpongeBob, then the mayonnaise label. A look came over Squidward's face, and me and my friend were wondering what was happening. It wasn't a look of sorrow, empathy, or sympathy, but a look of laughter. He pointed his tentacles at SpongeBob, who was still lying on the ground rolling, and started laughing his ass off. Me and my friend couldn't believe it! What a bitch! SpongeBob was basically dying and he was just laughing! We couldn't handle it anymore, we took the tape out of the VCR, and went to my backyard.
When we got there, we went to my bonfire pit. I grabbed lighter fluid and he grabbed a matchstick. I started pouring the lighter fluid on the several piles of wood on my bonfire pit. I put the tape in the pit. My friend lit the matchstick and threw it on. The fire burned wildly, the tape slowly being destroyed, as a spirit soon flew out from the tape, finally getting rid of the evil constipated spirit. But, it flew into my friend, as his eyes soon turned red and he said, in a raspy voice, "I'm very constipated, where's your bathroom?" I beat the shit out of him to get the spirit out of him.
The spirit flew out of my friend but he was injured very badly. I rushed him to a hospital, where they soon told me that he died two hours later. I felt so bad. I walked home, but on the way, I bought some Burger King. When I walked in my home, I was shocked. SpongeBob was standing there, right in front of me, as he said, in a raspy voice, "I'm so constipated, where's your bathroom?"
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