Impaleman 3: Lewis the Wise

__NOTOC__
Lewis: Okay... you got me... I really am LogicalPizza.
Me: I KNEW IT!
Lewis: But my name is actually Lewis, so keep calling me that instead.
Me: k
Lewis: Well, since you killed the Impaleman, his ghost is probably out there right now. He might even be looking for us.
Me: Uh, since his corpse is right here, don't you think his ghost would be right here too?
...
Lewis: Well in that case... RUUUN!
I run away from the woods.
== The Hunt ==
In some cave...
Me: LogicalPiz- erm, Lewis, what do we do?! Tourettes Guy's spirit might be hunting us down as we speak!
Lewis: Shh... It's okay. As long as you believe in yourself, anything is achievable. You killed the Impaleman's body, and I'm sure you can kill his spirit too!
Me: What if I get possessed?! What will you do?!
Lewis: Punch you in the nuts. Trust me, ghosts' weak spots while they're possessing someone is their nutsack - punch it and they'll be knocked right out of the host's body.
Me: Oh, really? Cool... but how are you gonna punch me?
Lewis: I have an arm!
Me: Oh. That's definitely not weird.
I look around to see if Tourettes Guy's spirit is here.
Lewis: Spirits are invisible, you know. However, they are able to show themselves.
Me: Damn... Hopefully we'll be lucky enough to actually see Impaleman's ghost. Can I call you Logical BTW?
Lewis: No.
Me: Hmm... I'll call you... Lewgical!
Lewis: Oh please god no.
Me: Sorry m8, that's yer new nickname now, XAXAXAXA
Eventually Lewgical (lol i love that nick) and I get hungry, so we leave the cave and go search for somewhere to eat-
Lewis: Why must you type everything that happens on a laptop?
Me: idk
So we go to a nearby McDonalds and eat like pigs. Nobody questions a giant talking dick eating a burger by the way. Wait, why does Lewis need to eat? Does my penis, like, have a digestive system of it's own? That's just gross as all fuck...
Anyway, without bothering to ask Lewis why he needs to eat (I really don't wanna know), we leave the restaurant after finishing our Big Mac.
We notice something fly right past us, and it was so quick that we couldn't tell what it was. We're also hearing strange whispers...
Me: What's going on, Lewgie!?
Lewis: idk, moving on
Me: k
We went back home and watched the news. They found out about the Impaleman being dead, but the dumbasses never remove the cloak to see who it is, so they just throw him into a nearby dumpster and prance away with their little hairless microdicks.
That night, Impaleman appeared in my dream. I was in a strange dimension that looked quite familiar.
Impaleman: You son of a bitch...
Me: Oh shit! Impaleman!
Impaleman: I hate the SHIT out of you...
Me: Look man, I'm sorr-
Impaleman: You never should've killed me. Your dick inspired me - I could've changed... but now, I'm nothing but a soul in purgatory thanks to you, and my final mission on Earth before I can finally ascend into the afterlife is getting my revenge. I. WILL. MAKE. YOU. PAY.
Me: ...I don't know what to say to this...
Impaleman: Fucker. Enjoy your last days on this planet. If I'm going to hell, I'm bringing you with me.
Me: NOOOOO!
Impaleman: MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!!
Then I woke up.
== The End is Near ==
I'm scared shitless... I don't know what to do... I'm gonna ask Lewgical.
Me: The Impaleman appeared in my dream last night and swore that he'd get his revenge at me! Lewgie, what am I to do about this?!
Lewis: Well... our only option for getting rid of the Impaleman once and for all is to obtain the extremely rare Depurgatizer 3240-8B. It's hidden somewhere on the planet.
Me: How are we going to find it? What does it do anyway?
Lewis: It sends any spirit - and I mean ANY spirit - to the afterlife. They won't be able to return to Earth. Hence the name, "Depurgatizer". And I don't know how we're going to find it, nobody knows where it is, but we'll have to try - it's our only hope. If we can't find it, the Impaleman will destroy us and rule the world as an evil spirit.
Me: Man, how do you know all this shit?
Lewis (in a deep voice): I AM ALL KNOWING.
Me: ...k
Lewis and I search the Depurgatizer 3240-8B on the web, hoping they sell it on Amazon or some shit. Surprise, surprise - they don't.
however we did find a strange forum on a strange website... how strange
it says the depurgatizer's location is still currently unknown, but they do have a clue as to where a clue for its location might be (yeah, that made no sense)
Me: so the clue we're looking for is on top of Mt. Impaleman?
Lewis: yup
we travel all the way to mt. imp and climb to the top (trust me it's not as hard as it sounds, the mountain is like 40 feet high)
i perform hte satanic ritual for hte clue to appear
ahem
BAAAFHOOOSHIIILAAATOOOHAAAGHAGRGGHHFHHFAAAAAAAA-
lewis: SHUT THE FUCK UP
me: what
lewis: that sounds AWFUL
me: well i have no choice, do you want the clue or not?
lewis: no, fuck that, let the impaleman kill us i don't give a shit anymore
me: lol bitch
ahem
BAAAFOHOOLOOOSHIIIBAHTAAAGHGAAAAAAPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLAAFHGAAAAARIISHOOOOOOO
lewis: AAAAAGHHH MAKE IT STOP
baahacuckgghaaaAHAAHFSBOOOLAAGHSHIIIIPOOOOCUCKHAAAAATTTTHOOOLAAAAFAAAAAAAPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
lewis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
suddenly, a large pit appears on the ground, but at the same time, lewis begins to shrink!
his eyes and mouth disappear, his arm shrinks to nonexistence, and eventually he turns back into a normal penis
me: OH SHIT OH NO WHY DID THIS HAPPEN LEWIS PLEASE ANSWER ME I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE A NORMAL DICK OH NO OH NO OH NO
suddenly... A SPIRIT RISES FROM MY DICK
IT'S THE GHOST OF IMPALEMAN
me: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
impaleman: MUAHAHAHAHA
me: YOU'RE LEWIS?!?!
impaleman: i possessed your dick and TURNED it into lewis
me: wait, how's that possible if my dick was alive BEFORE i killed you
impaleman: well... uh...
me: ...
impaleman: let's just say your dick has a mind of its own
me: well, i'd better see a doctor then
impaleman: anyway, MUAHAHAHA! i tricked you! the ritual you performed did exorcise me out of your dick, but it also opened the PORTAL TO HELL! there is no clue here!
me: but it said on the internet that there was supposed to be a clue here
impaleman: trust me, the internet is full of misinformed teenagers, NOW DIE
the ghost of impaleman pushes me into the pit, and i fall in, screaming loudly
impaleman: HAHAHAHAHA! AT LEAST, MY SOUL CAN REST IN PEACE
== The Portal to Hell ==
several seconds later (this pit is deep as fuck), i finally see a light, which is supposedly the portal to hell
i managed to break the fall by grabbing onto a large branch right before entering the orange, swirling vortex
and yes, i am still holding onto the computer and typing all this right now while holding onto the branch (hard to type with one hand and your dick, lol)
man, i wish lewis was still here
lewis: i am here, sovvy... i'm always here
me: OMG you're alive!
lewis: lol
me: so... what now
lewis: idk
i start losing my grip
me: oh no, if i let go, we'll be going to hell with no escape
lewis: I DON'T WANNA BURN FOR ETERNITY
me: neither do i... our only option is to pray
lewis and i pray for god - or SOMEONE - to help us
few minutes later... nothing happens
me: well, now our only option is to... SCREAM FOR HELP
me and lewis: SOMEBODY!!! HELP US! AAAAAAAARGH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! SOMEONE HELP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!
lewis: okay, stop, stop! nobody can hear us! we're about a thousand feet into the earth's crust, and nobody lives on Mt. Impaleman!
me: you're right... we're fucked
i hear all the screams of the tortured souls coming from the portal, and satan himself laughing
my fingers begin to slip, i'm on the verge of falling
me: THIS IS IT, LEWIS... THE END
lewis: I'M SORRY IT HAD TO END THIS WAY, THIS WAS ALL MY FAULT
me: NO IT WASN'T, IMPALEMAN DID THIS, HE POSSESSED YOU
i lose my grip, and start plummeting to the portal with lewis
me and lewis: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
however, something miraculous happened - right before we entered the portal, i suddenly started to float in midair!
me: WHAAA?!
lewis: HOW?!!
suddenly, chuck norris himself appears
chuck norris: you can thank me later, baby XDDD
me: thanks chuck norris!
he disappears
we are then teleported back to the surface of mt. impaleman
me: boy, that was close
lewis: yeah... what now?
me: i don't know, we still need to find at least SOME clue for finding the depurgatizer
lewis: wait! what if the impaleman was lying about there being no clue here? i know of another inchantation, let's try that
me: you do? how?
lewis: again, i am all-knowing
me: k
lewis chants
FAT HARB RAHTA BALAPAAR STAR AS S S A KRAL A R R R R R T ABABABABABBABA PENIS
a magical piece of paper appears
me: woah! it worked!
i read the paper
it says, "The Depurgatizer 3240-8B is located in the very center of the Earth's core. As for how you're going to get there, here is a riddle: To locate the transporter under the rock, interrogate the ogre with the enormous cock."
me: well... now we're going to need a clue as to where this ogre is
lewis: i know where he is
me: are you shitting me?
lewis: nope, he's in scotland
me: ... k, let's go there, all knowing lewis
i order a plane ticket with lewis and we travel to scotland
== The Swamp ==
after taking a nap in a hotel, we look for the swamp the ogre resides in
we eventually find it
the ogre lives in a wooden shed. we knock the door and he responds
me: woah, you look... familiar... shrek?
ogre: no, no, it's drek
me: drek? aren't you evil?
drek: used to be evil, but i learned the true meaning of christmas
me: uh... k
lewis: we're looking for "the transporter under the rock"
drek: oh, the magma shield?
lewis: no, the transporter
drek: the magma shield is also a transporter
lewis: oh... then yeah, we're looking for the magma shield
drek: i'll tell you where it is if you give me a blowjob
me: ew, no
drek: then good luck finding it on your own
me: well... i don't have enough time to find it on my own, since the impaleman's ghost will kill me tomorrow... okay fine, i'll do it
drek pulls down his pants. his dick is traumatizingly huge
me: jesus, how am i going to fit that in my mouth
drek: you don't need to, just lick it
me: k
a few minutes later...
me: can you tell me now?
drek: well, since i'm still a little horny, let me suck your dick too
me: oh ok, i'm cool with that
lewis: NO NO NO NO NO
a few more minutes later
me: man that felt good
lewis: that... was... horrible... his breath smells like onions
drek: there's a huge boulder located on a mountain in china, the magma shield is under that boulder, to this day nobody has found it
me: now we have to go to china? UUUUGH
lewis: which mountain though?
drek: dunno, you'll have to find that out yourself
me: fuck
drek: by the way lewis, you taste pretty good :^)
lewis: fuck off
we travel to china
we take another short nap in some random hotel
== The End is Near... Again ==
i had another dream with the impaleman in it
impaleman: tick tock, kid, you're running out of time... my full power is almost complete, soon it will be enough to destroy you
me: i'll obtain the depurgatizer before you can do jackshit
impaleman: we'll see about that - today is when i reach my full power, you still have to find the mountain that has the magma shield, then teleport to the center of the earth just to find the depurgatizer
me: IF I BELIEVE IN MYSELF, I CAN DO IT! I CAN BEAT YOU
impaleman: HAHAHAHAHA, we'll see about that... for now, i'll torture you in your own dream
me: huh? since when were you able to do tha-
the impaleman fired a small spike at me from his cloak, it hit me right in the shoulder
me: AAAAAGH!
impaleman: MUAHAHAH
he then proceeded to slice my arm off
i'm screaming in pain
before he could finish me off, i woke up
me: GODDAMN IT
== The Search ==
lewis and i looked up the mountain that has the boulder on the internet, and it's Mt. Chingchong, so we went there
we climbed mt. chingchong, it took us about an hour, but we eventually reached the top at last
me: there it is! the boulder! how are we going to roll it?
lewis: leave that to me
lewis shoots lasers from his eyes and the boulder explodes
me: HOLY SHIT HOW DID YOU DO THAT
lewis: idk
me: ... whatever
we run over to where the boulder exploded, and we see a little device that has "MAGMA SHIELD" written on it
i attach it to my chest, and the device creates a red force field around me and lewis
me: sweet
i then hallucinated and saw the impaleman behind me
impaleman: tick tock, tick tock...
then he disappeared
me: we'd better find the depurgatizer, FAST
i push a button on the magma shield and it says "What is your destination"?
me: the center of the earth
the magma shield teleports me to the earth's core
it's so bright in here, i can't see anything
lewis: all i can see is whiteness, is this even magma?
me: it is, what else would it be you dipshit
lewis: ... oh
i swim around in the lava for a while, then i hit something metallic
it's the depurgatizer
me: YES!
i pick it up, then teleport back to my house back in murica
me: k, so how do we use it?
(the depurgatizer is a metallic cube with flashy colorful buttons on it btw, and it's the size of a desktop's system unit)
lewis: beats me
me: i thought you knew everything
lewis: i do, but
me: but what?
lewis: well...
me: spit it out!
lewis: OKAY! i'm not really all knowing, i just know some things that you don't
me: i knew it...
lewis: happy now, asshole
me: yup, good to know my own dick isn't smarter than me
lewis: i am smarter, but not ALL KNOWING
me: haha right, whatever you say m8
lewis: (bitch)
i push one of the buttons, and it shoots a big, purple laser beam that blows up one of the walls
me: HOLY SHIT! THIS THING IS COOL
i push another button, and it fires a missile, and blows up another wall
me: AWESOME
lewis: YOU'RE GONNA DESTROY YOUR OWN HOUSE YOU FUCKTARD
me: oh
i go outside, and push each button, and the depurgatizer fires various weapons
however, there is one last button - a big, red button on one of the depurgatizer's sides
me: this button is probably the one that activates the depurgatizer... i'll save it for when the impaleman arrives
lewis: i feel kinda sleepy again... imma take another nap
me: me too
we go to bed
then i wake up about an hour later
i didn't have any strange dreams this time for some reason
btw, lewis is still asleep
i get up, and go downstairs to check if the impaleman is in the woods
chuck norris suddenly appears
me: whaaa?! chuck norris?! AGAIN?
chuck norris: SOVIET! you are in grave danger! while you were asleep, the impaleman possessed lewis again because he knew that you found the depurgatizer!
me: FUUUUCK!
chuck norris: the impaleman hasn't reached his full power just yet, but now he's powerful enough to be completely immune to any incantation. now there is no way to exorcise him out of lewis, even punching you in the nutsack won't work, so you'll have to CUT OFF YOUR DICK! it's your only option, if you don't do it then he'll spread to every other organ inside your body and you'll eventually DIE!
me: huh... i always knew the impaleman was cancer
chuck norris: ... DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? YOU'LL HAVE TO CHOP YOUR DICK OFF!
me: oh. right. well... NO WAY IN FUCK AM I DOING THAT
chuck norris: you have no choice! we can get you a new dick, don't worry! but we'll have to kill lewis! hurry, if lewis wakes up, the impaleman will be able to use his powers to inflict serious damage!
me: I SAID NO! i love lewis, more than anything in the world
chuck norris: then i'll chop your dick off myself! i WILL NOT let a human being die if i can do something about it!
me: what?! NOO! NO NO NO!
chuck norris takes out a knife and grabs my dick
chuck norris: i MUST save your soul!
me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
however, right before chuck norris chops my dick off, lewis wakes up
chuck norris: oh no.
lewis opens a portal, and i get sucked in. it closes right before chuck norris could follow me
chuck norris: SHIIIIT!
== The Final Battle ==
i find myself in another dimension, which appeared to be the same dimension as the one in my impaleman nightmares. turns out, it's the impaleman's dimension...
(btw, luckily i brought my laptop with me)
impaleman: at last, it is time for the final battle. my power is nearing completion, but i will be able to destroy you before i reach my full power anyway.
me: we'll see about that, cuck! i'll save lewis, AND myself!
the ghost of impaleman throws several spikes at me. i dodge, and retaliate by firing the depurgatizer's death ray, and it hit the impaleman
since the ray was so powerful, it knocked the impaleman's cloak right off him, revealing the tourette's guy again
tourettes guy: OH, BOB SAGET!
before he could pick up his cloak, i fired another death ray, and it was even more powerful this time, knocking him back several feet away
the tourettes guy is all charred now, and his clothes are ripped
i walk towards him, ready to deliver the finishing blow by pressing the big red button on the depurgatizer
suddenly, the tourettes guy feels a "click"... something snaps inside of him, and he starts to feel extremely powerful
he gets up, and proclaims...
tourettes guy: MY POWER IS COMPLEEEEETE!!!
suddenly, he uses psychokinesis to pick up his cloak, and wears it
me: oh no...
before i could press the big red button, the impaleman sends me flying by throwing a huge ball of energy at me
i'm very badly injured at this point
the impaleman teleports to me, and fires a stream of lava
luckily i still have the magma shield thingy on my chest, so i enable the force field
impaleman: fuck!
i press every single button on the depurgatizer, firing every weapon at the impaleman, but nothing happens - he is completely immune, now
impaleman: give up, kid. your time has come. and so has mine - once i get my revenge, i can finally leave this planet!
me: DON'T YOU SEE?! THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO! THE DEPURGATIZER ENDS ANY GHOST'S PURGATORY! I'M TRYING TO SEND YOU TO THE AFTERLIFE!
impaleman: NO! i don't want your help, i want my revenge! since i'm going to hell, i want YOU to come with me!
me: son of a bitch... I'M SORRY FOR KILLING YOU! JUST PUT IT IN THE PAST!
impaleman: never! PREPARE TO DIIIEEEE!
the impaleman charges up a ball of energy, even bigger than the last
i frantically push the big red button on the depurgatizer, repeatedly... nothing happens
me: WHAT?!?!
impaleman: HAHAHAHAHA!
suddenly, i hear chuck norris's voice
chuck norris: SOVIET! THE DEPURGATIZER DOESN'T WORK IN THAT DIMENSION! YOU MUST CHOP OFF LEWIS! PLEASE, IT'S THE ONLY WAY, THE IMPALEMAN IS INVINCIBLE NOW! I'LL OPEN A PORTAL FO-
me: jesus christ, stop shouting
chuck norris: k, sorry. i'll open a portal for you, so you can return to our dimension, grab a knife, and chop your dick off
me: well, if it's the only way to defeat impaleman once and for all... i'll do it
a portal opens, and i jump through it. it immediately closes after
impaleman: what? no! COWARD!
== The Finishing Blow ==
back in our dimension...
chuck norris: NOW, SOVIET! DO IT!
chuck norris tosses a knife at me, and i catch it
me: okay...
i take a deep breath
chuck norris: HURRY UP! BEFORE YOU GET SUCKED INTO HIS DIMENSION AGAIN!
i just go for it, and slice lewis off
me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
chuck norris: phew...
the impaleman rises from lewis's corpse
impaleman: SON OF A BITCH! THIS ENDS NOW!
he recharges his energy ball, and gets ready to throw it at me and chuck norris
me: indeed! it ends here!
i push the big button on the depurgatizer, and it shoots a beam at impaleman
impaleman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!
the impaleman is in terrible agony, and screams for 10 seconds straight
chuck norris: is it working?
me: yes
impaleman: NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo...
the impaleman disappears forever
me: i did it!
chuck norris: but poor lewis couldn't make it
me: and i'm bleeding like crazy... fuck...
suddenly, lewis's corpse starts floating
me: wha?!
lewis then floats towards where my dick used to be and attaches himself to my body again
me: HOW?!
bruce lee appears
bruce lee: you can thank me later xdddd
me: oh boy! thanks bruce lee!
lewis wakes up
lewis: from now on, i shall be known as... LEWIS THE WISE!
me: kewl
the impaleman is gone forever, and peace has been restored to the world
the end
This is part of the Impaleman series
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