Jessica Telephone/IF-326.26

===Pie High Jessica Telephone===
Rumors abound about a particular instance of Jessica Telephone, a young woman frequently seen while part of the Pies and allegedly the version of Telephone that was shelled twice. Because of these rumors, she is often referred to as “Dirtbag JT” by fans. The most infamous rumor about this Telephone is her signature drink “SKATE JUICE.” Made by mixing 2 No-Doz, a can of Jolt, and grape Kool-Aid, Dirtbag JT allegedly insisted that the name must be yelled in order to properly be SKATE JUICE. An attempt to categorize the other rumors about Dirtbag JT is presented below.
====Skating Prowess====
Telephone is reportedly a skilled skater, according to herself. She claimed to be able to do a 900 (where a person spins 900° while in the air on a skateboard), and supposedly had made plans to build a quarterpipe in her backyard before they were shut down by her mother, a woman who was never observed. Some fans reported that Telephone had a skateboard signed by the famous television stars Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O, while others professed her love of the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video game.
====Crime====
This instance of Telephone was notable for her disregard for the law. Her arrest record included keying the car of Philly legend Bam Margera, allegedly upon his refusal to teach her to do a kickflip. A pastor also contacted law enforcement after Telephone swapped the pre-recorded church music for a Jerky Boys tape. Outside of her official record, a local Blockbuster clerk claimed that he saw Telephone stealing a copy of the movie Mallrats “deliberately,” though she was never charged. On another occasion, a former friend of Telephone reported that Telephone stole her hoverboard and replaced it with a sticky note that said, “sry--feel suuuuper bad but hey, hoverboard!!!”
====Drugs & Alcohol====
Dirtbag JT was frequently associated with tales of drug use and other altered mind states. She reportedly used katanas to shotgun beers, failed out of bartender school, quit a job at a vape shop after discovering she wasn’t allowed to use her e-cigarette while working, and stayed up for 3 nights in a row in an attempt to hallucinate. That said, her ability to identify actual drugs was reportedly suspect; according to local Philadelphia folklore, she mistook oregano for high grade marijuana. In interviews, Telephone often mentioned that she used to be “straight-edge” (i.e. against any sort of drug use), though close associates clarified that she was only straight-edge for a week.
====Media & Media-Adjacent====
Dirtbag JT spent much of her time playing video games and engaging with, as she termed it, “gamer culture,” though this amounted entirely to thumbing through EGM in the grocery store. She frequently bragged about her favorite “gamer moments,” which included allegedly crashing the economy on the Gaia Online forums, getting banned from Neopets for trying to convince the Neopets to unionize, and “[her] uncle at Nintendo [telling her] that Naruto is going to be in Smash.” Teammates noted that every time Jessica Telephone went up to bat, she would whisper "believe it" to herself.
Telephone’s interests also extended to television. She personally went to Cartoon Network's offices and asked them to bring Toonami back, and, according to close friends, knew more about Bionicle lore than any other person in history. When asked about her Bionicle knowledge in interviews, Telephone replied, "I like the blue one." She claimed to have been in an episode of Jackass, “but they cut [her] part before it aired.” Numerous sources say she claimed to have a tape of it and offered to let them see it if they performed various tasks for her, but the tape was never seen.
Despite her seemingly large consumption of media, friends said she remains surprisingly reticent when it comes to discussing them, either out of ignorance or a sense of humor. For example, she regularly referred to Joaquin Phoenix as “Joker Phoenix.” Similarly, teammates claimed that she loved to argue about who would win in a fight, Goku or Superman, but consistently said the answer is Hatsune Miku.
In addition to consuming media, Telephone also produced her own videos. She made at least 23 films with characters named "Johnny Red" and "Johnny Dirt," all of which at some point featured "ska dances." She has publicly complained about how she hates TikTok, but her friends reported receiving links to her personal webspace, where she had uploaded videos of herself doing “dumb stuff” with a camera.
====Music====
Telephone claimed to be an early inspiration for the “ringtone rap” era of hip-hop music, based on her allegedly messaging Soulja Boy regularly on a Sidekick phone. She also claimed to have convinced Linkin Park to spell their name as they spelled it, and frequently told a tale (widely believed to be apocryphal) of meeting Eminem once. Her music collection included Limp Bizkit CDs from her uncle, Jimmy Eat World songs, an unidentified Marshall Mathers LP, and multiple mislabeled Eminem MP3s on a first-generation iPod Classic. Notably absent from her collection was music by the Misfits, as she repeatedly wore their merchandise and expressed negative opinions about the band after the departure of Glenn Danzig. In an interview, Telephone once said (unprompted) that she “thinks it’s cool [that] Dido sampled [the Eminem song] Stan and made a whole new song and it’s pretty good.” Some fans also claimed to have heard Telephone sing No Doubt’s “Just A Girl” while in the dugout, an experience described as “hauntingly beautiful.”
====Entertainment Skills====
Fans often reported on Telephone’s popularity at parties. Though technically a certified clown, the only skill she regularly made use of was juggling. She later expanded her skillset to include contact juggling, but as there is no authority to certify contact jugglers, she allegedly designed and printed a certificate for herself. Witnesses of the certificate did not attest to her graphic design skills. On a smaller scale, fans reported that she was capable of folding a dollar bill to make the face of George Washington look like a dog, regularly performed backflips, and performed a variety of tricks using a BIC lighter. Some fans also reported that she practiced an unidentified “knife-between-the-fingers thing,” but was unskilled and frequently yelled for quiet in an attempt to focus.
====Miscellaneous====
Dirtbag JT’s food tastes were as eclectic as the rest of her personality. Her friends reported they had seen a case of pre-revival Jolt that she had stashed away. When asked about it in interviews, she responded, "it's probably worth a lot of money now but I'm not gonna sell it." Telephone frequently boasted that she is “both the reason they discontinued Crystal Pepsi, and the reason they brought it back,” and numerous acquaintances confirmed that she would end many conversations by walking off while saying, “Oh my God, I could really go for some Outback right now. I would kill a Bloomin' Onion.”
Despite an unconfirmed employment record and no seeming need for additional income, Telephone claimed to have worked for Banana Republic for a summer. She frequently mentioned this to excuse rolling her eyes, sighing heavily, and moaning, "I don’t want to talk about it." She also claimed to previously work the closing shift at a Denny's, where she would play Weezer's "Pink Triangle" on the kitchen speakers at least once a night.
Telephone more recently discovered YouTube, where her channel has become widely known for her weekly creation challenges (called “The JT Challenge,” despite there being multiple). Multiple of her friends advised against the channel’s creation, and insisted that this fact be included in interviews. Telephone’s hallmark sign-off for the channel was to stare directly into the camera and declare with a neutral expression, “I’m not afraid to die.” This phrase became popular within her channel’s fandom.