Pet rock

The pet rock is arguably considered to be the most fascinating pet of all time. Pet rocks can bond with you, share common interests, and ultimately shut the fuck up when asked. Pet rocks never, ever interrupt your sex-life, thus proving pet rocks are possibly the most polite pets to inhabit the Earth.
Pet rocks are the only variety of rock capable of having emotion. Thus, a need of respect is necessary in order to keep peace between you and your pet rock. If this respect becomes absent between you and your pet rock, the relationship between you and your pet rock will cease to exist and quickly fall from its state of prosperity. It has proven that once a pet rock suffers from disrespect, it is next to impossible to regain its former ability to flourish.
== History of Pet Rocks ==
=== Introduction: ===
Keeping pet rocks is a hobby and way of life for thousands around the globe, with many of our minerals playing a huge part in our lives, as companions, working animals and as parts of the natural world that we can bring into our own homes. Hopefully, through this document, you will be able to learn about the fascinating history of Pet rocks.
=== Domestication: ===
Though records are scarce and inconclusive, it is believed that pet rocks were first domesticated very early on in human history,  with some early evidence dating from 34,000 BCE. Rocks have been formative in the development of human history, with pet rocks helping early humans to cook, hunt and providing companionship. We have cave paintings depicting the practice of giving a pet rock to an outcast as the only item they were allowed to bring with them, showing just how essential they really were.
=== Ancient Egypt: ===
Pet rocks have been cherished companions for centuries, with record of them being kept in the modern sense stretching back all the way back to the Egyptian period, with tomb-paintings depicting the practice of ‘Petrany’ which directly translates to ‘stone-keeping’ being present from the year 3100 BCE. We have also found mummified bodies that have their pet rocks mummified, and placed next to them, suggesting the Egyptians greatly respected and cared about their pebble pals. The great pyramid of Giza has inside of it a perfectly-polished pebble thought to be the hunting partner of the Pharaoh Kufu. In literature, the Egyptians seemed to believe that pet rocks could take all of a family’s diseases into them, but only of treated well.
=== Ancient North-America: ===
Roughly at the same time, in North-America, stories remain of a tribe that bred pet rocks. These pet rocks were used as memory-storers, and would be taken to important meetings and occasions, with the owners believing that they would capture the memory, and not let it fade in the minds of the people who had the rock, and so they were often traded between important individuals as a method of information transferral. They were also treated as sacred, with myths that told of a sacred pebble who only moved when no eyes were set upon it, eventually helping to kill a mischievous spider who had been terrorising the local children.
Going back to Africa, some cultures in southern Africa used pet rocks extensively as hunting partners, throwing the minerals at prey that they wanted to catch. This was especially efficient as the rocks were trained by a person who had trained in the training of rocks for years, and would only reveal their ‘trainer secret’ as part of their last words to their one and only apprentice. Obviously, this made them very valuable, and so they would very often be the first to be taken prisoner if fighting broke out between tribes.
=== Ancient Britain: ===
In ancient Britain, rocks were highly revered, and the ‘henges’ we see today are a remnant of these. They believed that minerals were able to make prophecies that would tell them about the future, and the henges were created as pens for the rocks, which were taken care of by the community as a whole, and required the intricately designed stone-circles to create their prophecies, which they would say through highly-drugged up druids (or the village drunk, whichever was closer).
=== Ancient India: ===
In ancient India, Pet rocks were present in almost every household, and great tales were composed of travellers with their pet rocks by their sides exploring and defeating great evils. An interesting side-note is that all babies born would be given a pet rock at birth, and a common idiom that still survives in the modern indian vernacular is ‘born with the golden pebble’, to signify someone born into wealth.
=== Ancient China: ===
In ancient China, Pet rocks were considered incredibly sacred, and entire temples were constructed to honour especially important minerals, usually made of Jade. A fun fact, however, is that these temples were tiny, made to the scale of the pet rocks, and people would bring their own pet rocks to the temple, and have a mechanical conveyor belt take the rocks through the temple, to allow the minerals to worship.
=== Ancient Greece: ===
A bit later on, the ancient Greeks also had a close-nit relationship with pet rocks, with the god Apollo often being represented through a ‘lithos’, or a large rock that would sit in the opisthodomos of another god’s temple, and was believed to protect the town from plagues. As well as this, the poet Xenes wrote an epic poem names ‘The Lithikos’, telling the story of the rock that touched Demiphoos while he was being turned into a god by Demeter, named Lithik. It tells the story of the rock slowly gaining power and prestige, being raised as a son by the mother of Demiphoos, Metaneira, driven mad by grief, but driven out of the kingdom by Keleos, father of the boy and king of Eleusis, slowly amassing an army of rocks from the forest, and befriending the very sea through his charm and reasoning skills, and defending the Eleusian mysteries from harm until his presumed death, caused by being carried away by a massive bird. Most of the original text has been lost to time, with only fragments and medieval analysis remaining.
=== The Romans: ===
The Romans, ever flamboyant, made owning an extravagant pet rock a status symbol. Minerals were collected from distant, far off lands, and polished to perfection, and sold at exorbitant prices to the rich. This even lead to the extinction of a certain type of pet rock, which was previously found in the mountains of North-Africa. Less desirable rocks were kept by the Plebeians, and utilised for a variety of daily tasks, such as grinding grain. Pet rocks were an essential part of the Roman military, being throw at the enemy by skirmishers, and specially trained minerals would be used in slings in the same situation. Pet rocks were also one of the only possessions that a slave was allowed to own, and, if freed, the slave’s ex-master would sponsor the pet rock’s feed for a year to symbolise the slave’s freedom. Roman emperors also had a penchant for pet rocks. Caligula famously gave his pet rock Faustus 80 acres of land, a farmhouse, and 10 slaves. When Faustus was lost, a empire-wide search was started, and he ordered every house to be searched. Faustus was eventually found in the house of an orphan taken in by a group of dancers. The entire house, including the 4 children were publicly hanged, then their bodies stoned to death. A Roman Poet, Lamargus, who greatly admired Xenes also wrote an epic poem about Pet rocks, it was called ‘The Petrifex’, and told the story of another rock that had been in the fire alongside Lithik, and its travels across Italy, and into space, where it encounters a race of divine rocks, blessed by Minerva, taking over a planet, and gifting it to Venus. This poem was greatly lauded by Augustus’s sons, who made it into a play and had it put on yearly during the Bacchanalia until their deaths.
=== The Middle Ages: ===
During the Middle Ages, the common Peasant was inexplicably interlinked with the pet rock. Most commonly granite, these were called ‘stans’, middle english for rocks, and a village would usually have a ‘stanery’, where peasants could leave their rocks to be taken care of if they were going to be away. If a peasant did not pay their taxes, a common yet barbaric punishment would be to take away their stan, and have it encased in the foundations of a building for good luck. During the expansion of Christianity, Pet rocks were used to illustrate the trinity - as they were pets, workers, and weapons all in one. Henry the Eighth famously sentenced one of his friends to death by Rock, specifically his pet rock Brutus. His friend, one Franklin M. Thomas of York, was locked in a cell with Brutus, and starved to death.
=== The Renaissance: ===
During the Renaissance, Pet rocks were harnessed in art and the emerging field of science to their full potential. Paintings were made to depict Pet rocks, as they made ideal subjects. A rather famous example of this is Caravaggio’s painting, ‘The Little Rock’, depicting Lithik being carried off by a bird in stunning detail. Many rulers of italian city-states had their pet rocks painted by famous artists. A strange bit of history to come out of this era, is the fact that a mineral was pope for 12 years, while the cardinals decided who would be the new pope. This pet rock is currently on display in the vatican, having been dropped in 1783 by a group of cardinals who were playing hot potato with it, and sadly cracking ‘in twain’.
=== The Victorian Period: ===
In the Victorian period, the divine connotations of the pet rock slowly gave way to a much more physically-based reputation. Pet rocks were seen as ideal companions, with a minimal of mess, and they were cheap to keep. Though even the poor could afford a calcite companion, the rich tried to use the humble pet rock as a status symbol once again, calling back to the famous pebbles of Roman times. They searched far around the newly being discovered world, with rock-catchers stealing rare minerals from deep in the Amazon, deep underwater, and deep in the sahara, and selling these to willing buyers for ridiculously high prices. An interesting by-product of this was a man named Robert Weldworth, a famed rock-catcher who would sell exquisite specimens he had collected from around the world to the British nobility. However, Weldworth had not actually collected any of his pet rocks from the places he had said they had been collected in, but taken them from a workhouse garden in Coventry. Having been found out, Weldworth escaped with the money, and hid in a hamlet in Bordeaux, before being killed by a bullet meant for a deer while out foraging in the woods. Many famous Victorian writers prized their pet rocks, and considered them their muses. A notable example of this is Charles Dickens, who had a Basalt called ‘Swear’, and who was the inspiration for the character of Little Dorrit.
=== The World Wars: ===
During the World wars, Pet rocks were immensely important to the war effort, keeping families company while the men were away fighting, and greatly increasing morale both out at war, and back in the towns and cities. One particularly famous Pet rock was ‘Jumping Jack’, a mineral used as a mascot for the RAF during the second world war, famed for being able to ‘jump’ after being flicked due to his shape. Crudely-drawn pictures of Jack can be found around the world, often saying something about the Germans encased in swear words, Jack helped the soldiers smile throughout the war. A Pet rock was also given the Victorian Cross after the war. ‘Dolomite Dave’ bravely stopped a German in their tracks, after they had entered the British and French trenches, by hitting the German in the face, protecting the soldiers who had saved him from a shell-hole in a stunning display of bravery.
=== The Modern Day: ===
Pet rocks have remained important into the modern day. During the cold war, they were kept around cities to warn of a nuclear attack, and in shelters to keep the residents company if the worst were ever to happen. The pet rock skyrocketed in popularity in 1975, possibly to its highest level in history to date. This was due to Gary Dahl, who was someone who worked in advertising at the time. He decided to capitalise on pet rocks, which had always been kept by a small, and insular community of people, and, by packaging the pet rocks, collected from Rosarito Beach in mexico en masse. This caused an uproar in the Petrany community at the time, who tried to protest the mineral abuse that was going on through polite complaint letters and quiet indignance, but it was all to no avail. Dahl refused to back down, and had sold millions of pet rocks to the public by January 1976. What was worse, was that the pet rocks he shipped were wild-caught, and so made for terrible pets - the instruction manual supplied with the rocks was barely enough for a normal member of the public to take care of the minerals they bought properly, even promoting the use of pet rocks as weapons. Sadly, this led to an extinction of the Rosarito-Beach varieties of Sandstone and basalt. Another effect this commercialisation of Petrany had was that it led to many members of the public releasing their rocks back into the wild, causing the number of feral rocks to increase greatly, and rock rescue centres to become greatly overburdened. At this time, a prominent figure in the petrany community, Howard Dash, editor of ‘The Petrany Periodical’ - a popular magazine - started the RSPCM (The Royal Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Rocks) to help prevent such events from occurring again. To donate, visit this link
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Since the 70s, the pet rock community has greatly evolved, improving the practice for caring for their pet rocks, using cutting-edge research and experimentation to help pet rocks live happier lives than ever before.
== Finding a Pet Rock ==
Unlike most pets, it is considered completely legal to obtain a pet rock via abducting it from its natural habitat. Pet rocks can be found in most places, considering rocks basically fill the planet. Technically we are the Third Rock From The Sun. However, the coolest pet rocks also can be retrieved from other worlds, such as Mars.
The majority of rocks in the world can be found in terrains such as mountains, deserts, and stone hedges. However, recent studies show that forcefully taking a rock from its natural habitat can be considered dangerous pending on the rock's personality. Recent increases in the dismal of the terrain has caused the past few generations of rock to become hostile with the human race.
When a rock does nothing upon human approach, it is considered safe to pick up the rock and leave; claiming the rock as your own.
Think about your everyday lifestyle and its requirements. If you, as a being, enjoy running around and consider yourself amongst the sporty and athletic type, then it is probably best to obtain a small rock in which could possibly fit in your pocket. However, if you are a more studious type then it would be nice to obtain a larger rock , i.e about 8 cm.
Make sure you NEVER choose a small pebble to keep as a pet rock. They seem to tend to always run away.
Pick a rock with a color that you like. Remember, it is going to be your special pet for a long time, and you will have to enjoy gazing at it. If you are looking for a small pebble, be fussy... don't. Remember? They always run away! However, even a couple of ridges and cracks are acceptable. 
Pass the pet down and down to your children and their children. Make sure the rock will travel down through many generations as the rock's own legacy is now part of your own.
=== Roserita beach stones ===
The pet rocks sold in the 1970s were Rosarita beach stones. If you can get your hands on one of them, you will own a legendary rock. However, the usual everyday rock is still just as fine. You just won't get as much on eBay if you decide you're just not the right kind of guy for owning a pet rock.
== You and your pet rock; your happy life after obtaining this new beloved creature ==
Immediately after returning home with your new pet, it is a necessity to rinse the fresh-from-the-wild pet rock off with some warm water and some soap so all of the nasty dirt disappears from its body. You don't want harmful germs getting snug within your own home.
If you end up with a collection of pet rocks, it is best to let them mingle. Don't just let them have all the fun! You, too can enjoy this solid aggregate of minerals fiesta! Arrange them. Ask them what kind of activities they enjoy.
Monitor your newly obtained pet rock's behavior. Not all rocks are suitable as pets, even if the rock had appeared friendly at first. Some of the rocks in which you may end up retrieving from the wild will pine for their freedom. In this case, you may notice their surfaces becoming dull or cracking.Violent rocks tend to break shit. When looking for a guaranteed domesticated rock, look close to human habitation.Which means they hang out with humans just like you. Mentally challenged and a loner. In conclusion, if you end up with a rock from a habitat near civilization, the chances of it being comfortable living in your home will be striking the atmosphere. However, worries at this point may need to be in order, due to the fact some rocks don't appreciate being removed from areas in which the rock has already bonded with. Which is common for rocks living near communities, where the rock may have bonded with that community.Shit happens, bro...
During all stages of pet rock ownership, it is a necessity that you take proper care of your rock, be a responsible owner. Take your rock to a qualified mason for inspection on a regular basis, because you can only get safer and safer.It is true, the more safe you are, the less likely it is that you'll be raped. If a rock is not properly cared for it may suffer from lichen, or cracking due to ice seepage. If you notice your rock developing problems of this kind, get advice from your mason as soon as possible. Masons always know what is right for your rock.
== Entertainment and naming cautions ==
Entertaining your pet rock is very important. Challenging stimuli are important for its personal and mental development or it will run away faster than a Mexican over the border. In order to keep your pet rock satisfied within your home, remember to regularly bathe him on a weekly basis. Anything less will cause erosion and anything more will cause decay.
Be careful not to let it go down the drain, or it will grow in the sewers to one day seek revenge.
A pet rock must have a cool name, otherwise it might drop itself on your head.My grandpa's pet rock Willard killed grandpa >.< I miss him!!! So name it something fierce, hip, and striking! Like Chemical, or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. If you name your rock something gay, like Olipro; say goodbye to everyone you know.Rocks don't like gay names like Olipro.
== References ==
== See also ==
*UnNews:First Pet Rock passes away
*Pet
*Imagination
*Rock
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Category:Inventions
Category:Rocks
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