I am a swat team commander (Jokepasta)

My name is Sargent Lance Corporal Private Steven J. Buttkis. I have been a SWAT team leader since I was old enough to jack off. I have more fuzz on my peach than you have on your whole cucumber. I am the living embodiment of what it is to be a man. You know Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? I could for sure whip his ass, like no contest. It would be a fucking slaughter bro.
So last night we get a call to an apartment block on the shitty side of LA. So we gear up and hop in the van. The whole ride over we are mad dogging the crackheads and junkies. At one point I even shove my dick out the window to show them how alpha I am. We all talk about how much fucking cooler we are than the junkies and we all take turns saying 'You're either SWAT or your not,' and other cool shit like that, bumping each others fists the whole time.
When we arrive, we stack up outside of the main entrance of the building. My second in command tickles my asshole with his pointer finger which is our go sign. I breach the door with a metric fucking ton of C4 and we move in. Suddenly and without warning ,at the top of the stairs, a woman holding a baby shaped gun that is crying draws down at me. I shoot her and her baby shaped gun in their fucking faces and they go down like a sack of potatoes.
My second in command fingers my ass again to signal we can move up. I yell clear and we ascend the staircase. When we hit the top a man runs in our direction yelling "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY WIFE AND CHILD?!?!?!? YOU KILLED THEM YOU FUCKS!!!!! THEY ARE ALL I HAD LEFT IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!." He drops to his knees sobbing but I see right through this act he's pulling and pop this fool twice in the forehead.
"Threat down," I holler to my team. Realizing the man doesn't have a gun I lend his dead body one of mine. Sharing is caring.
'Move forward,' my second in commands finger tells my asshole.
When we hit the top of the second floor, two child sized adults playing with a red spherical rubber bomb sit in the middle of the floor. They are rolling it back and forth. They look over to me and my team. "Do you want to pway wif us," one of the little terrorists asks politely.
But I again see through the ruse. "What do you think I was born yesterday? You think I can't see through your little act?" I cut the little terrorists mask off as his friend stairs in horror. Just as I suspected. These terrorists are SKELETONS! I grab the other by his shirt and yell, "WHERE IS THE FUCKING BOMB? WE KNOW YOUR FUCKING PLAN IS TO LEVEL THIS PLACE AND HURT A TON OF INNOCENT PEOPLE, SOME OF THEM ARE EVEN CHILDREN!"
"I don't know what you mean mister, please don't hurt me." He cries.
I know what to do, he thinks I can't see through his mask. "Let me talk to the 'real you' I say. I rip his mask off with my bare hands, exposing his skeleton ass face underneath. He gargles something to the effect of 'OW THAT REALLY HURTS.'
"We have to blow this fucking place," I yell throwing the skeleton to the ground, "it's a skeleton hide out. Go get the nuke out of the truck and put it in the basement."
So we go back to the truck and pull the nuke out of the back and they move it to the basement. As we are driving away, I look at my second in command. "You know where I keep the detonator, right?"
"Sir, yes sir!" He yells. He salutes me and then jams his finger in my asshole one last time.
BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM
The destruction is epic. As my second in command salutes me again with his shit stained hand, I realize something. I love this country, and I'll be damned if I let any fucking skeletons dressed as humans take it over. The mushroom could overtakes us all.
Sargent Lance Corporal Private Steven J. Buttkis. Over and out.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Stuff Blowing Up
Category:Skeletons
Category:TRUE STORY
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep