The Bone Gnomes

Jerry is doing his standup routine in front of a crowd
Jerry: "So what's the deal with garden gnomes? They kind of just sit out there in the yard and do nothing. They are a little creepy honestly. Having a little guy standing out in the yard. Why did this even become a thing? Who's idea was it to put this little elf looking guy in the yard and why did it even catch on?
Bassline*
George comes into Jerry's Apartment
George: "I can't stand it with these gnomes!"
Jerry: "What do you mean?"
George: "In the mail I got a bunch of skeleton gnomes! Bone Gnomes I tell you. Bone Gnomes! They're freaking me out."
Jerry: "Well can't you just send them back?"
George: "I can't... there is no return address on these."
Kramer barges through the door and starts eating cereal out of a box with his hand
Jerry: "Well then just throw them away."
George: "I'd need 100 trash cans to get rid of these things. I have hundreds! Hundreds of Bone Gnomes!"
Kramer: "Well then just drive them to the dumpster yourself."
George: "You're onto something Kramer."
Bassline*
George is at the dumpster emptying the Bone Gnomes into the dumpster and a policeman stops him.
Policeman: "Excuse me?"
George: "Yes? May I help you?"
Policeman: "You can't dump those here."
George: "Well why not?"
Policeman: "The mayor passed a new law. These gnomes are toxic to raccoons and they can get sick if they eat them."
George: "Do you think I care what a raccoon eats. They shouldn't be eating trash anyway."
Policeman: "The law does care. Each gnome you throw away is a $300 fine. So you better take what you threw away out now."
Bassline*
George is walking by Mr. Steinbrenner's office at Yankee Stadium and overhears him on the phone
Mr. Steinbrenner: "What do you mean there is a mixup with the bobbleheads! Keith Hernandez hasn't been in the league for years and never put on a Yankee uniform... Well then what do you want me to do about next week's big giveaway... You're Fired.
George: "Um... Mr. Steinbrenner."
Mr. Steinbrenner: "George! Come in come in! Take a seat, take a seat. You smell like you've been swimming in a dumpster. Now have you heard about this new thing called Karaoke. These people go up on stage and sing songs without any instruments..."
George: "Alright... alright. I heard there was mix-up with the bobblehead giveaway. And well, I'm looking to get rid of these little gnomes. I have about 500 of them."
George pulls a Bone Gnome out of his pocket
Mr. Steinbrenner: "George! George! I love it! You are a genius! We'll start producing these things right away!"
George!: "No-no... we don't need to make anymore. I've got plenty."
Mr. Steinbrenner: "Everyone's gonna want one of these. 500? You think only one section will enjoy these. How about this first 25,000 fans at next Wednesday's game get a free Bone Gnome!"
George: "Great... just get these things off my hands."
Bassline*
Elaine has been called to J. Peterman's office
Elaine: "Mr Peterman?"
J. Peterman: "Oh Elaine! It is so good to see you."
Elaine: "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"
J. Peterman: "Last Spring I took a holiday in the Swiss Alps and I found the most priceless skeleton gnome. Only 500 left in the world. Well I just bought the entire collection for $850,000 from an anonymous seller out of Tuscany. I could sell them for a lot more if I were to find the right buyer."
Elaine: "Uh huh..."
J. Peterman: "Well the shipment was supposed to arrive last week and I feel I've been swindled. I want you to go to the post office and figure out where these bone gnomes could have gone."
Bassline*
George meets Elaine and Jerry at the Coffee Shop
Elaine: "Why the long face?"
George: "I don't wanna talk about it"
Jerry: "Did you get your gnome problem figured out?"
George starts to cry
George: "The game was rained out! Cancelled! I tried to give these bone gnomes away at the game, but now I can't because the rest of the season is booked with give-aways!"
Jerry: "Well looks like you're just back where you started."
George: "Worse... Worse! I now have 25,000 gnomes because Mr. Steinbrenner made more of them. There was no place to store them in the stadium, so he had a truck drop them off at my apartment building! Every surface of my home is filled with these bone gnomes!"
George picks up a bone gnome and squeezes it
Elaine: "Hey! I can solve your problem."
George: "Really? And how is that."
Elaine: "My boss has been looking for those gnomes all week. He ordered a ton of them, and it looks like they were sent to you by mistake. I was just on my way to the post office to figure things out."
Jerry: Well looks like your problem is solved.
George: Perfect! He can have them all!
Bassline*
Elaine is delivering boxes of Bone Gnomes to J. Peterman's office
Elaine: Phew... I think that's the last box...
J. Peterman: Thank you Elaine... I couldn't have done it without you. Where did you find these?
Elaine: My friend George had thousands of these from the cancelled Yankee game.
J. Peterman: Wait a second. How many did you say he had?
Elaine: I think 25,000
J. Peterman put his hand over his face and sighs in disappointment as he knows the current value of his Bone Gnomes is far lower than the original price of what he paid.
Bassline*
Newman is standing in his apartment wearing his mailman uniform.
Newman: Hahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAHA!
Outro Bassline*
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:TELAVISHUN
Category:Skeletons
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep