How Jeff the Killer Fucked Up Christmas

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Jeff the Killer. He was a fucked-up dude who hated everything and everyone, especially Christmas. In the town called FucksShitzville, everyone was preparing for Christmas. Everyone was happy and excited, except for Jeff the Killer. Jeff was also a grumpy motherfucker. 
He was a creepy motherfucker who used to terrorize innocent people and make them shit their pants. Jeff was a real fucking badass, and he didn't give two fucks about anything or anyone. Jeff was known for his mean motherfucking attitude, his sharp as fuck knife, and his hatred for everything, especially Christmas.
Every year, Jeff would ruin Christmas for everyone in town. He would eat all the fucking presents, break all the fucking decorations, and piss on anyone who wished him a "Merry Christmas." No one could figure out why Jeff was such a fucking grump during the happiest time of the year.
Nobody quite knows the reason. Maybe it's that his ass wasn't screwed on just right. Or maybe it's because his pussy was just too tight. But I think that the most likely of them all was that he was pissed because his cock was two sizes too small. 
But no matter the reason, he stood on his hill looking down the whole Christmas season and bitching to himself. Looking down at the FucksShitz with a fucking sour bitchy frown, at the warm windows of the cozy homes.
He fucking bitched with a sneer, "it's December 20th, Christmas is practically here, I must stop it from happening or every kid and adult will play with their new toys bright and early, oh the noise, if there's one thing I hate, it's all the fucking noise."
"They'll be skating with dick sucking machines on their feet, they'll be reading out loud the book, 'Why Bombs Are Really Neat', and they'll feast, and they'll eat, they'll treat themselves to Common-Shitz-Pudding and Rare-Fucks-Beef, oh Rare-Fucks-Beef is a feast I can't stand the least," Jeff the Killer said like a maniac.
"And what I hate most is after the feast, every FucksShitz, the midgets and the giants, will come together, spending the rest of the day singing and singing," Jeff whined. The more Jeff the Killer thought about the holiday, the more he thought, "I must put a stop to this madness, I've put up with it for 32, almost 33, years, I must try to stop it, but how?"
One day, Jeff woke up and decided he was going to do something about his fucked up attitude towards Christmas. He was going to find out why people loved it so much, and he was going to try and love it too. 
Jeff was soon out on his usual killing spree when he stumbled upon a group of people decorating a giant tree with colorful shit. He had never seen anything like that before and was fucking curious. So, he approached the group and asked them what the fuck they were doing.
The people were scared shitless of Jeff, but they managed to gather the courage to explain to him that they were decorating the tree for Christmas. Jeff had never really liked Christmas before, but he still was not intrigued.
So, he went around town, asking people why they loved Christmas so much. They all told him the same fucking thing - that it was a time for love, kindness, and giving. Jeff thought this was a bunch of bullshit, but he kept asking around.
The people saw a chance to reform Jeff, so they decided to teach him the true meaning of Christmas. They invited him to a fucking party, and Jeff reluctantly agreed to go. He was not interested in any of that shit, but he wanted to see what the fuss was about.
At the party, Jeff met a guy named Santa Claus. Santa was a jolly, drunk, and fat old fuck who was all about spreading joy and happiness. Jeff thought he was a pussy and wanted to punch him in the face, but Santa gave him a fucking present.
Jeff had never received a present before, and he was fucking confused. He didn't know what to do with it, so he opened it. It was a fucking ugly sweater with reindeer shit all over it. Jeff was pissed, but he didn't want to look like a fucking asshole, so he put it on.
As the party continued, Jeff learned more about the meaning of Christmas. He realized that it was not about the gifts or the decorations, but about fucking love and kindness. Jeff had never experienced any of that shit before, but he was still not fucking touched.
After the party, Jeff was pissed and decided to put a fucking end to Christmas. He didn't want to see anyone happy or celebrating. Jeff decided that he wanted to fuck up Christmas for everyone in the town. He came up with a plan to ruin the holiday, and he was fucking excited to put it into action. Jeff thought of a wonderfully awful idea. 
Jeff put on a fucking Santa costume, and with his fucking knife, he went to every house in town and stole all the fucking shitty presents and decorations.
Jeff snuck into the town on Christmas Eve, and he started stealing all the fucking presents. He took everything from the littlest toys to the biggest Christmas trees. He didn't even leave a crumb that's too small for even bacteria to eat. Jeff was on a fucking mission to destroy the holiday, and he was succeeding.
While he was stealing all the shit, a song played, "you're a bastard, Mr. Jeff," the signer said. "You really are a bitch, you're as cuddly as a tampon, you're as charming as a micropenis, Mr. Jeff, you're more of a jackass than a donkey who ate a horse's cock," they continued.
"You're a dickhead, with termites on your ass, you have all the sourness of a rotten lemon pie, Mr. Jeff, given the choice of you guys, I'd choose the rotten pie," the song sang.
"You're a bastard, Jeff the Killer, your heart's a black hole, your shits are filled with spiders, you have garlic in your brain, Mr. Jeff, I wouldn't wanna touch with a forty-five foot pole," the singer stated.
"You're a nasty bitch, Jeff, you're freakier than an eight-armed human, your face is paler than snow, your soul's filled with blood, Jeff the Killer, you're worse than a triple threat dictator, serial killer, and cultist," the song continued.
"You're a bastard, Mr. Jeff, you're hell's king of the 7 deadly sins, your heart's a rotten tomato splotched with mold and shit, your soul is the most unappealing dump truck overflowing with the ugliest collection of unwashed rubbish that reproduces more than cells imaginable, Mr. Bastard," the badass song played.
"You're a nauseous spider, Jeff the Killer, you're more unattractive than cardiac arrest and heart attacks combined, you're a crooked little bastard, with a hunchback as your horse, Mr. Jeff, or in simple person talk, the three best words to describe you are, let's see, bitch, bastard, and dickhead," the song finished, as Jeff finished stealing shit.
The people in the town woke up on Christmas morning to find that all their fucking shit was gone. They were fucking devastated, and their spirits were broken. The kids were crying, and the adults were pissed. Everyone was looking for the fucking thief who ruined Christmas, and they knew it was Jeff.
But Jeff was too smart for them. He had hidden all the shit in his creepy fucking lair. He was laughing his ass off at all the miserable people in the town. He had accomplished his mission, and he felt fucking great.
They looked outside, and they saw Jeff the Killer, standing on top of a fucking hill, laughing his ass off. The people were pissed, and they wanted to get their fucking presents and decorations back. They went to the mayor, and they demanded that he do something. The mayor knew he had to stop Jeff, so he came up with a plan.
He sent out a group of people, dressed as fucking elves, to capture Jeff. The people found Jeff, and they tried to take him down, but Jeff was a fucking badass, and he fought back. He slashed and stabbed, and he laughed as the people fell to the ground like pussies.
The mayor knew he had to take matters into his own fucking hands. He went to Jeff and tried to reason with him. He told Jeff that he didn't have to be a grumpy motherfucker and that he could be happy too.
Jeff didn't want to listen, but the mayor kept talking. He told Jeff that Christmas was about fucking love and kindness, and that he could be part of that too. Jeff didn't believe him, but he saw the sincerity in the mayor's fucking eyes. Jeff didn't care, and continued laughing his ass off.
But then something unexpected happened. As Jeff was sitting in his lair, he started to hear the sounds of people singing. It was a beautiful fucking sound, and Jeff had never heard anything like it before.
He started to think about what the mayor had said. He had never felt love or kindness before, and he was fucking intrigued. Jeff realized that maybe he was wrong, and that he should give Christmas a fucking chance.
Jeff met a little girl named Sally. Sally was fucking adorable, with her blonde pigtails and her big brown eyes. She was building a snowman, and Jeff couldn't help but watch her. Sally noticed Jeff and asked him if he wanted to help her build a snowman.
Jeff didn't know what to do. He had never had anyone ask him to do something nice like that. He decided to go for it, and together they built the fucking greatest snowman that town had ever seen.
Sally thanked Jeff and gave him a fucking hug. Jeff felt something he had never felt before - happiness. He didn't want to ruin Christmas for anyone anymore, he wanted to be part of it. Jeff's cock had grown three sizes that day.
He then started to feel something strange in his chest. It was like a warm feeling, and he didn't know what the fuck it was. Jeff had never felt anything like that before. He realized that he had fucked up big time. He had ruined the one day of the year that brought people together and made them fucking happy.
Suddenly, Jeff had an idea. He decided that he was going to fix what he had fucked up. He went back into town and started returning all the stolen shit. People were surprised to see him, but Jeff didn't care. He just wanted to make things right.
He returned all the presents and decorations he had stolen, and he went around town, giving away gifts to random people. The people were surprised and confused, but when they saw the sincerity in Jeff's fucking eyes, they were moved.
As he was returning the presents, he started to feel something strange in his chest again. This time, it was stronger. It was like a fucking explosion of warmth and joy. Jeff had never felt anything like it before. He realized that he had been wrong all along. Christmas was not about the fucking presents or the decorations. It was about love, joy, and kindness.
So, Jeff went around town, helping people decorate their fucking houses, and he even bought some more presents for the kids in town. The people were surprised, but they welcomed Jeff with open fucking arms. They were happy that he had finally learned the true meaning of Christmas.
He started to see things differently and decided to do something good for once in his fucking life. He went out into the streets and started giving away gifts to random people. People were scared of him at first, but when they saw the sincerity in his fucking eyes, they were moved.
Jeff had never felt so alive before. He realized that there was more to life than just killing and terrorizing people. He had found a new purpose, and he was fucking happy.
As the night went on, Jeff came across a homeless family who had nothing. He decided to give them his fucking sweater, and they were fucking grateful. Jeff felt a sense of fulfillment that he had never felt before.
He went back to the party and thanked Santa for teaching him the true meaning of Christmas. He had finally found fucking happiness and wanted to spread it to others. Jeff had changed for the fucking better, and he owed it all to the magic of Christmas.
Jeff was sitting at home, feeling fucking happy for the first time in his life. He was watching the snow fall outside when he heard a knock at his door. It was Sally, and she had brought him a present.
Jeff opened the present, and it was a fucking picture of the snowman they had built together. Sally had drawn it, and it was the fucking sweetest thing Jeff had ever seen. He gave Sally a hug, and she wished him a "Merry Christmas."
Jeff realized that he had finally learned the true meaning of Christmas. It wasn't about the presents, the decorations, or the fucking snow. It was about love, kindness, and giving. Jeff had finally found happiness, and he was grateful for the people who had helped him see that.
In the end, Jeff had fucked up Christmas, but he had also saved it. He had learned to love and be kind, and that was all that fucking mattered. Jeff had become a better person, and he owed it all to the magic of Christmas.
Jeff had fucked up Christmas, but he had also learned a valuable lesson. He had learned that it was not too late to change and do the right fucking thing. Jeff had found a new purpose, and he was fucking happy.
The people in the town forgave Jeff for what he had done, and they welcomed him into their fucking hearts. Jeff had become a better person, and he had Christmas to fucking thank for it. And he, Jeff the Killer himself, cut the Rare-Fucks-Beef.
In the end, Jeff realized that Christmas was not just a holiday, but a fucking state of mind. He had learned to love and be kind, and that was all that fucking mattered. Jeff had become a better person, and he had Christmas to fucking thank for it.
Jeff the Killer had become Jeff the Lover. He had found love and happiness, and he knew that he would never go back to his old ways. He had learned that the power of love and kindness could change anyone, even a mean motherfucker like him.
And so, Jeff the Lover went around town, spreading love and kindness to everyone he met. He became a legend, a symbol of the true meaning of Christmas. And every year, on Christmas Eve, he would build a snowman with Sally, and they would share their love for each other and for the magic of Christmas.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:BATTELS
Category:Jeff the Killer
Category:Excessive Profanity
Category:Music
Category:Holidays
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck