The Final Milking of Jack Reacheround

Shittynosleep's death was enough to make me realise that my attempts to hold off Jack Reacherounds finale hoping for the lord of the rings series to shit on was foolish. As Jack had The Uncalled For Return of Jack Reacheround taught me, you have to reach out and jack off your chances when they arise, and so even if no one reads this, here it is, lazily dashed off as can be.
With no cock or le ironic subreddit to enjoy, I tried watching netflix's masterpiece the grey man to spite bezoz by supporting his rival's attempt on the modern yet sensitive liberal hardman, Court Gentry, the gay Grey Man.
After the lackluster film, I watched the developer commentary. Ryan Gosling was saying dully how much he enjoyed gutting the character and pulling out all the funny lines, and saying how Court was a Courtly figure for a more civilized age, and that compared to him Jack Bauer was a thug, Jack Ryan a bore, and Jack Reacher-
In that same moment, Alan Richson kicked down the studio door, his face still pasted in the blood from my broken balls. What? How had this been allowed on netflix? Why did they keep filming? He took merciless strides toward Gosling and his co star Chris Evans, for some reason suited up as Captain America. Chris stood up with a smug look on his face.
"I can-" Richson took hold of both complete sets of genitalia in his mighty hands.
"Do this-" Wheezed Evans, his voice squeaking, eyes popping.
"-all day..." He whimpered as their balls burst like a bad metaphor by a hack redditor in the same moment.
Evans and Gosling sank to the floor, Richson standing over them triumphantly, while Candy-Ass wordsmith Andrew Child taunted the new made eunuchs.
"You men have so little balls you'll be wanting to buy one of my books, which are nicely detoxified of masculinity since the days my brother Lee had grip of Tom's joystick." He handed them a copy of better off dead each, and like the dickless men they were, they read without complaint. Even Ryan Gosling had stood no chance against my monstrous son. What else could beat a Gosling?
A GOOSE
Goose...
Tom's Joystick....
Of course!
Top Gun, the work of Paramount, who had also been the visionaries to cast Tom Cruise as the real Jack Reacher. If they couldn't solve this, I was done for. I eagerly bought a Dvd of Top Gun, and it's sequel, Top Gun: Grabadick. I eagerly cheered for Rooster's best scenes in the new cashgrab Masterpiece, until I found my buttocks squeezed, a thumb trying to work it's way through the fabric.
I looked down to see that I had been goosed by none other than Goose himself.
Goose smiled at me.
"I always appreciate it when people cheer for my little boy. My Rooster's grown up to be such a big cock. Almost as much of a dick as Miles Teller."
"Goose, we don't have time to waste on innuendo and mockery of sucky actors. Haven't you seen what's happening? Jack Reacher's been replaced by a ballbreaking man who's over average height, and out to caponise every action star. Only Tom Cruise, since his balls are owned by David Miscarrige, can defeat him!"
Goose's Narrow face crumpled.
"But Tom's stripped of the Reacher mantle. he's nothing but a pint sized scientologist now. If he saw a cock before him, he wouldn't reach for it. He'd recoil back into the closet. No, I'm the best you've got now, unless you want John Puller to pull Richson off or something."
"No Goose, I feel the need only for you. You can be my wingman."
With that, we held hands, and took flight much as maverick did. We soared like Angels till we reached the Amazon set where the next series of The Rings of Power was being churned out under the supervision of Andrew Child. Alan Richson seemed to have exhumed JR Tolkien's corpse and was doing a shit on top of it, whilst Lee Child himself was bound in a cage with his eyes held open by toothpicks, forced to watch.
"That's a real Wheel of Time Eh LEE? Now you know how I've felt in your shadow all these years..."
There was not a moment to lose. Goose and I swooped down upon Richson and Goosed one of his splayed buttocks each until they burst. I reached inside and pulled out the blood script I had taken from the crotch of his father so long ago. I turned on Andrew while my son flopped to the ground, his mighty legs unsupported by gam.
"I can't undo the damage you've done Andrew. Not to the Reacher franchise, not what Jeff did to Tolkien, or Reddit to r/shittynosleep, or myself to my own writing abilities and ability to hold down a real job by getting involved in these subreddits... All I can do is Reacher out one last time, and make a shitty attempt to rebuild what you've destroyed."
With that, I seized Goose's Cock, and he my buttocks, and we swooped off into infinity, leaving Andrew Child to reflect on what he'd done.
It was only days later we realized that we'd left Lee behind, and so our efforts had been worthless.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Unnecessary Sequels
Category:Inside Jokes
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep