I got to see Shrek 5 early

My name is Bill and I'm an intern at Dreamworks, also my uncle works at Nintendo but that's irrelevant. One day another intern came up to me and said: "Eyyy, you like Shrek you piece of shit?" I said: "OMG I would die to be able to see Shrek 5 now!" The intern then said: "What? I didn't say I had a copy of that! I mean I do but I didn't tell you so fuck off!" I pulled out a pistol and threatened the intern, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a blank DVD case. I noticed some red liquid on the case before exclaiming: "Why is there hyper realistic blood on the case? Is it cursed by Sonic.exe???" The intern bitch slapped me before saying: "It's "Hyper Realistic" because I accidentally cut myself this morning and I just stuffed the case in my pocket because I was late to this stupid internship where I just bring coffee to the people in charge! I stole this from the actually important people who have access to this film early while all of them were arguing about whether they should make Shrek a bisexual! Luckily, I'm getting out of this shithole next Thursday, so I don't need to deal like dickheads like you!" I just took the DVD and went on with my day. When I got home I was tired from delivering all that coffee and otherwise doing nothing, so I had a quick nap before I decided to watch the new Shrek movie. I woke up suddenly to see that the case had got more blood on it. I opened it and inside there was blood everywhere apart from on the disc. I shrugged it off and put the DVD in my computer. The file on the disc was called "DONTWATCHTHISPLEASEUNLESSYOUWANTTODIEYOUFUCKINGIDIOT.avi," I thought it was just a joke though, so I opened the file. Suddenly I heard the Kefka laugh coming from downstairs but I didn't think anything of it. The video started with a stock Windows Movie Maker title that said: "Shrek 5, The Meaning Of Life Is Death" in a blood red color before it switched to red static like Sonic.exe. The static faded into Shrek's house at night and it stayed on that still shot for 5 minutes before zooming in. Inside Fiona was crying with her head turned away from the camera. Shrek and Fiona's triplets walked up to her as teenage ogres before Fiona turned around revealing she was crying hyper realistic blood that looked like I could FEEL it. She pulled out a knife before saying: "You were all mistakes!" and murdering them. Their corpses were on the floor and it stayed on a still shot of their bodies for another 10 minutes. I was terrified but curiosity got the better of me. Shrek opened the door and said: "What in the mother of fuck happened in 'ere?" Fiona said in a demonic voice: "I took out the trash!" Shrek looked angry and he started yelling at Fiona: "Those were our motherfucking children you bastard! I know you've always been a stupid bitch but this crosses the line! If I'm an onion, you're fucking garlic, and I hate garlic!" Suddenly Drake's God's Plan started playing backwards while the video became distorted. I decided to hit the eject button on my PC but it just spurted out blood. I paused the video while I tried to recollect myself. I looked out my window and all I saw was black, I realised my door was shut and I couldn't open it. I couldn't smash the window either. I sat back down and decided to finish the video. Shrek's face went on screen and it was distorted, he said to me: "You're trapped now you little bastard! You have to watch the full movie now you little shit!" Suddenly I was paralyzed to my chair. I was actually forced to watch it. It cut back to Shrek and Fiona who had started fighting. Shrek punched Fiona and suddenly everything on screen went hyper realistic. Shrek and Fiona looked REAL! Shrek grabbed Fiona's knife and then stabbed her to death. He said to himself: "I thought I was gonna be happy for once, turns out I find happiness in the pain that I cause!" Suddenly the Squidward's Suicide photo popped up on screen and it made me want to jump but I couldn't.  Then it cut to a scene where Shrek went outside and saw Donkey. Donkey went towards Shrek but Shrek then lunged at him and killed him. Shrek then made a pentagram on the ground and put all the dead bodies on one point of the pentagram. Shrek then lit a fire in the middle and all the bodies caught on fire at once as all of their dead eyes glowed red. Then Sonic.exe rose from the fire before it burnt itself out. The music that was playing in this scene sounded a bit like Smash Mouth's All Star but it was too distorted to make out. Sonic.exe started laughing while Shrek bowed down to him. Shrek then said: "I have summoned you, my master, because I'm tired of all this shit in the world. I want more excitement. I want to do something worthwhile!" Sonic.exe nodded before saying: "Your universe is exciting, but it's like nobody knows what direction any of all this fucked up shit is heading, so I sympathise with you. Therefore, I will give you some shit to do." Shrek responded: "What sort of shit?" Sonic.exe smiled a most disturbing smile before saying: "You'll see!" The screen faded to black before it cut to the villagers who appeared at the beginning of the first Shrek walking around a forest. One by one the villagers disappeared until there was only one left. He waved his torch around before he saw Slenderman in the trees in front of him. The villager threw his torch at Slender but he just teleported away. The villager ran but he wasn't looking so he ran straight into Shrek's body. Shrek grinned an evil grin before saying: "You little shit! I'm gonna fuck you up!" The villager backed away slowly but he bumped into Slenderman. He turned right but then Jeff the Killer appeared so then he turned left but Sonic.exe was there. The villager burst out crying before the four of them went one to torture and kill him in the most gruesome way. Jeff got his knife and sliced it down his stomach. Then Shrek took out his entrails and ate them before saying: "Mmmmm, I prefer them on toast but I don't have any toast on me!" Then Sonic.exe sliced off his arms and legs before Slenderman used his tentacles to pick up the villager's sliced off arms and poke his eyes out with them. Then Slenderman wrapped another one of his tentacles around the villager's dick and twisted it off. While all of this was happening, the villager was screaming very realistically as if someone was actually being tortured. The music that played was Mark Ronson's Uptown Funk that seemed very out of place at this horrific scene. At the end of the scene I puked onto my computer screen and then Shrek said: "Oi! Wipe that disgusting puke off! Some of us have poor stomachs! Think about others you bastard!" He proceeded to stick his hand out of the computer screen, grab all of the sick and put it in his mouth before puking it out into the villager's open stomach. After this the video became very distorted to the point where I could not see what was going on. It was like this for the next 30 minutes. After the 30 minutes were over it cut to Shrek's face before he said: "I'm sorry you missed all of that, I guess your shitty computer couldn't handle it. Oh well, that's the end of the movie. Now go get a fucking life!" The video then abruptly ended and I passed out. When I woke up again it was morning and when I looked at my computer the screen had cracks all over it and it had stopped working. I tried to get the disc out so I could destroy it but all that came out was about 10 litres of blood. I went to work as usual ready to confront the intern. When I found him he had a massive grin on his face. I said: "You sick bastard! What kind of shit are you giving me? He laughed before saying: "I didn't have to give it you but you were desperate to watch Shrek 5 so I thought I'd let you watch it!" I pulled out my pistol before saying: "Remember this? I'm gonna kill you now, dickhead!" I fired the pistol at his chest and he fell to the floor. Then I noticed something. As he was bleeding his skin was going green. He started laughing before he said: "You fucking idiot!" He started growing in size and changing shape, his hair fell out and his ears looked just like... Shrek's ears. He had turned into SHREK! I stammered: "W-what is the explanation for this?" He suddenly started laughing in Shrek's familiar voice before saying: "I was Shrek all along, I'm REAL motherfucker!" I fell to my knees in fear as Shrek whispered in my ears: "It's all ogre for you now, bitch!"
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Category:Shrek
Category:WHAT A TWIST!