List of weapons that don't exist, but should

Throughout history, many different forms of weapons have evolved. They all have their differences, except for some of them, which are identical. But there's one thing nearly all of them have in common: they're really, really, really boring. The sword? You poke someone and they hopefully get hurt. The gun? You point at someone and they get hurt, or hopefully dead. The bomb? You throw something at someone or something and they get hurt or maybe even vaporized. Every weapon ever made can be simplified into one of these three categories. That's it. No more weapons in the universe. You'd think the evil geniuses behind these things would have a little more creativity and fun doing their job, but no. They all long for the sweet, painless chicken soup of death and couldn't care less about creativity.
This list attempts to describe various weapons that don't exist, but should, or may in an alternate universe. To meet the criteria for inclusion on this list, a weapon must meet all of the following criteria:
*Must be able to kick at least 13 varieties of ass (was 12, but standards are higher now).
*Must be not boring. Yes, a gun that shoots swords is cool, but we already got one of those. We got bored of it.
*Must be better than any other weapon on the list (optional, preferred).
*Must not exist. If it does exist, please annihilate all known copies of the weapon before putting it on this page.
=Firearms=
=Pointed Stick=
The Pointed is very deadly due to its ability to be found in such common household places such as in your bag or or on a tree. PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH SHARPENED STICKS IN THE WILD AS THEY MAY BEAT YOU TO DEATH, Instead, pull the lever that releases the 16 ton weight. Or release the tiger. If you don't't have either, run.
=Weapons that are not: Firearms, Weapons that Shoot other Weapons, or Melee Weapons.=
==Acid balloon==
acid_balloon.jpg|Beware of acid vapors though.
lsdballoon.jpg|Wear the acid of being thought vapors!
This concept is simple, as it is based on the normal water balloon. One simply fills a balloon with acid and throws it at the target. The recipient, expecting a cool, refreshing blast of water, instead finds his skin melting off. This weapon, though unsuitable for murder, is undeniably hilarious to watch.
==Multi-purpose bullet==
It revolutionizes the world of bullets; made from silver, wood, light, Kryptonite, yellow, Vin Diesel, and, most importantly, AIDS. Too many times have people been shot only to recover and live a full life. Multi-purpose bullets will bring that to an end. These bullets can stop vampires, werewolves, evil sentient shadows, Green Lantern, and Superman...if they so happen to exist and so happen to be attacking you or you so happen to be hunting them. Also, you can throw them if you don't have a gun, as they have explosive tips.
==Exploding tree==
Just when you think you've got a perfect place to hide… KA-BLOOM!!! Nature's "best friend" just exploded in your face. This weapon is also perfect for getting rid of those idiot tree huggers, as well as any squirrels you may encounter.
==Toxic Flowers==
A powerful assassination tool, the toxic flower is sprayed with a toxic gas before being presented. The recipient, overjoyed at receiving flowers from a cold-hearted monster like yourself, inhales deeply and is poisoned. Depending on the toxin of choice, death may come to the victim from within mere seconds, to hours or even days. 
*Note: Incredibly useful for getting rid of the mother-in-law.
==Nun-Chucks==
 
Forget about that pussy ass "nunchacku" shit. Get yourself some Nun-chucks. These are the genuine article, the real deal, THESE ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS!
==Chuck-nuns==
This entirely hypothetical weapon was developed by Cardinal Biggles of the Inquisition. Biggles was an avid nun-bunter and had always dreamed of combining his favorite pastime with the marvels of siege weaponry. The Chuck-Nun was first not used during the Dark Ages. Consequently, it was also not used during the Slightly Less Dark Ages. It was first constructed and fielded during the Renaissance, but after a minor mishap involving faulty ammunition (one nun refused to go) it was decommissioned.
The weapon consists of a hollow wooden barrel wide enough to fit a grown nun inside, a sturdy chassis also made of wood and a very large spring-loaded trigger mechanism, similar to modern pinball machines. The Chuck-Nun was in fact the precursor to modern artillery and was also at least partly responsible for the hit television series The Flying Nun.
It takes nuns from 5'0" to 6'8" in length, depending on barrel size, and can be modified to fire peasants if needed. Ammo is usually beltfed or can be loaded in one at a time, though this slows down its rate of fire considerably. Traditionally, to augment its destructive payload, nuns are politely requested to carry bowls of Greek Fire, large rocks, irate badgers and so forth.
In recent times, this remarkable weapon has seen a modest revival amongst DIY siege weaponry enthusiasts, prompting the creation of several prototypes. Due to a scarcity of nuns willing to be loaded into what is essentially a large wooden death sentence, these homegrown contraptions usually fire children, immigrants or large dogs.
* See also Nun-Bunting
==Ninja Assault Nuns==
 Everyone knows that nuns are secretly kick-ass ninjas. Thanks to the Sound of Music, we know that all Austrian nuns were trained in ninjitsu to fight the Nazis in the Second World War. What is not commonly known, however, is that for years now the Vatican has been training an elite squad of ninja assault nuns. This genetically modified super-nuns are produced from a combination of the Virgin Mary, Jenovah and Fraulein Maria, producing the ultimate ninja assault nuns. Ninja assault are not just stealthy - they are also armed with ninja assault rifles that shoot 5 million high explosive anthrax nuclear h-bomb katana swords every thirty seconds. They can also be subtle, and wear the razor-blade habit and a shuriken cross around their neck. Just one ninja nun can take on 500 pirates, 16000 Nazis, 24 million American troops or 564.52134958758009990809 gabillion Soviet conscripts, just as Fraulein Maria did in the final battle of the Sound of Music. Even if you manage to derobe and disarm a ninja assault nun, their deadly martial-arts skills enable them to cut you apart with their bare hands, bene Gesserit Style. Thankfully, due to an unfortunate time loop with a parallel universe, the ninja assault nun does not exist yet. They can, however, be bought on Ebay.
==Moto-Razr blade==
This was actually one of the first concepts for the Moto-Razr. Originally designed as a weapon in the Iraqi war, now serves to cut down on rude moviegoers.
Fair warning, this weapon is ineffective at best against emos, as their hands are already likely scarred. such is the case when you have a sharp object in your wrist and have already lost a lot of blood.
==Cockets==
Not much is know about the secret Cockets built by the Nazis during WWII, (though it was said they were built to land on Uranus and build a base there.) All the Cocket project scientists were shipped to America after the war to continue making these deadly weapons, and rumours have it these babies come in nuclear flavours nowadays. Plans to build your own Cocket can be found on the Internet today with some Googling.
=Weapons Which, Although Somewhat Sucky, Are Still Somewhat Awesome Because They Are Giant=
Also known as Giant Weapons.
==Giant Paper==
thumb|right|Giant Paper in all its glory. Person drawn to scale.
The Giant Paper is the perfect weapon, as it can be made into any other shape, which is immediately rendered in giant (albeit paper) form. It can even be made into a paper airplane if need be, although many would consider that to be a waste of potential. The Giant Paper can suffocate any enemy and is unbeatable*. As an added bonus, it also gives nasty paper cuts.
*Note: the Giant Paper can be cut down by the Giant Scissors, but squeezes the crap out of Giant Rock.
==Giant Rock==
The Giant Rock, with its immense giantness is capable of crushing anything that dares oppose it. There is no point in fighting anyone wielding an indestructible Giant Rock*, except in the rare case of wanting to commit suicide and not being able to find anything better.
*Note: The Giant Rock is crushed by the Giant Paper, but completely destroys Giant Scissors.
==Giant Scissors==
Obviously highly effective as a projectile; even discounting that, a giant pair of scissors, though perhaps difficult to maneuver, would turn even the worst of failures into an overwhelming victory. Anyone who walks up to you and tries to stop you walks will literally be sliced in half. Think about it: if you can use a giant scissors to cut someone cleanly in half, bones included, then nobody will dare to mess with you. Just remember what your mum said about running with giant scissors (namely: Don't). But when did you start listening to her? Runing with scissors is fun! So go ahead, do it! The Giant Scissors are an Unstoppable Force.*
*Note: the Giant scissors can be crushed by the Giant rock, but shear the Giant Paper.
=Living weapons=
Biological warfare at its very best!
==Armed monkey==
Greenpeace has often claimed that humans are the only animals that go to war. This is one of the most devastating attacks against war, one for which no known rebuttal exists. The solution is simple, though: put another animal in the army! All it takes is one monkey with a semi automatic, and those hippie bastards have to shut the hell up.They are naturally proficient in gorilla warfare
It is often mistakenly believed that the US Army has already employed a monkey. This is not true. George W. Bush was never actually in the army; he merely had papers saying that he was.
==Cloned Armored Raptors==
You get a dozen or so cloned velociraptors, slap on some protective armor and unleash them in the neighborhood of your choice. These vicious little predators will hunt down your enemy for you and eviscerate them with their razor toe claws, or at least rip out their jugulars. The armor is to help even the playing field if your enemy has weapons like a dolphin gun, Armed Monkeys or Arctic Monkeys. If they get killed no big deal, you just clone some more.
==Crocodile with Crocodiles for Limbs==
The concept is simple: crocodiles take up large amounts of space. Instead of wasting space (and food) on five crocodiles to thwart potential trespassers, or run wild in enemy trenches, why not use a giant crocodile that instead of having arms and legs, has crocodiles? It's 5 times the croc in one easy-to-feed package, all for just $199.99 Now for only $159.99!
Continuing this process to its logical conclusion yields the Fractal Crocodile the only known way of obtaining an infinite number of crocodiles given only a finite weapons budget. Tests to produce this hideous mutation, though, have only resulted in a paradox, destroying the world.
Cheaper version for the home-brew agitator: Fractal aligator.
==Girl-foxassin==
Created via a process invented in Hokkaido to augment a normal girl with fox genes, preferably a loyal one, like one who has been stalking you since kindergarten. This girl gains the proportionate speed, strength, agility, cuteness and five senses of a fox, she also gains the ears, tail and claws of a fox. The last step of the process is giving the new Fox-Girl martial arts training, thereby turning her into a Girl-Foxassin, a cute but deadly killing machine. See FireFox.
==Laser Guided Polar Bear==
In terms of destructive power, it's above a laser guided grizzly bear, but below a laser guided panda bear. Not as delicious as a laser guided gummi bear, it's less dangerous to the user than a laser guided pooh bear. In the late 1960's, it replaced the club as the premier weapon in the War On Seals.
==Deadly Assault Kittens==
Tired of being oppressed by weak humans, the first Deadly Assault Kittens evolved around the 1950s, and have been gaining in strength ever since. Their greatest asset is quite possibly the fact that nobody suspects them. Originally, Assault Kittys had to make do with smaller, but just as deadly versions of the Giant Rock, but after the infiltration of the CIA and FBI, they have had access to top-grade military weapons. Currently Assault Kittys are among the most dangerous living things on this planet, and are simply waiting for the right time to strike.
Trained since birth, every Assault Kitty goes through rigorous physical and mental training for years before they actually see action. Few manage to survive the training, but those that do are almost as good as ninjas when it comes to killing people. Most successful graduates of the Japanese Hello Kitty Armed Response Training Corp are inducted into the Assault Kitten Paratroopers, and it is rumored that the Kitty Paratroopers were the true minds behind 9/11. Renowned worldwide for their stealth, their merciless attacks, and their deployment of balls of wool in the face of ferocious opposition, Assault Kittys are specially trained at urban warfare and will exploit any ground gained to their advantage.
== Sniper Kitty ==
Sniper Kittys are a specialized corps of the Deadly Assault Kittens. Descendants of Sniper Kittys, they are among the most deadly assassins on or off this planet, possibly second only to a ninja. It may look like a cute kitty, but years of training make it basically a "point-and-kill" machine. Canines now tremble at the thought of stepping out-of-doors without an owner. JFK was for animal cruelty, and though many people believe Lee Harvey Oswald killed him, it was really a trained elite Sinper Kitty, as proven by the picture.
==Banana snake==
WARNING: Banana snakes are undetectable save for Samuel L. Jackson who will swear excessively at the snake until it dies.
Banana snakes are native to South America, where they live in peace with the Mexicans. In return for not biting and/or eating them, The Mexicans taught the banana snake how to cross the U.S. border. This strategy was conceived by the army commander of Mexico, who lives in that hut next to the Taco Bell. The banana snake quickly tried to cross the border in trucks, but they got eaten by tarantulas. Then they went into a different route. See: snakes on a plane
==Ninja-sheep==
Sheeps are all cuddly and cute, which is why they are such excellent assassins. Nobody expects an innocent-looking sheep to be up to no good. But as we all know, appearances can be deceiving. Some sheeps are in fact trained as ninjas. Those rare sheeps, which are few in numbers, are excellent in close-combat and will make you a head shorter if you underestimate them. They are good at infiltrating the enemy's ranks and fighting behind enemy lines.
==Hedgehog Assault unit==
These cute prickly rodents are the perfect army core defense and assault unit. Able to stick in any air vent, it can disable its enemies with allergies. Its size makes it undetectable on radar. They are trained by Chuck Norris himself so they are the greatest weapons ever! If that wasn't enough they own everything that is underground, making it the largest nation on the planet. With so much metals at hand, they are able to make weapons advanced beyond our imagination. That's not all, the hedgehogs spines act like a shield, and their soft underbelly is covered in Adementine armor, making them virtually unkillable. If that is not the worst than this is, if by slight chance a hedgehog does get killed it has a sort of a self destruct button, it explodes! It sends spines flying in every direction, and on contact the spines become missiles so if one gets stuck in you it will asplode before you can take it out! The hedgehog nation often breeds giant hedgehog tanks! These are the size of buildings and also explode at death, have unpiercable armor, and trained by Chuck Norris! The hedgehog tanks special ability is that it can shoot those missile spines like a rocket launcher, and after every spines are shot new ones grow back in point 0:0001 seconds!
==Porcupine in a stocking==
Based on the venerable halfbrick-in-a-stocking, the porcupine-in-a-stocking provides maximum armour penetration, portability, and angry rodentitry in an affordable, accessible package. Simply place your spiked rodent (i.e. porcupine, however hedgehogs / echidnas make excellent replacements depending on location) into a maximum-strength stocking, and swing that sucker towards your unwary opponent. For maximum effect, swing the stocking around your head, much as one would swing a toddler. This will no doubt strike fear into your opponent, and has the added effect of angering your projectile.
Studies into furthering the goldmine of porcupine-based weaponry have begun, such as breeding a porcudillo, a crossbreed between the porcupine and armadillo that is harder, rounder, and more conducive to handling and Republican rule. Other projects include the porcupine grenade, although the advantage of peppering your target with hundreds of little spikes and blood is somewhat diminished by the fact that more often than not the grenade will impale your hand.
==Sharpened Hamster==
Small, deadly and easily concealed in the event of an unexpected search, these are the ultimate street fighting weapon. May be used either in hand-to-hand (melee) combat, or thrown. Variations on the Sharpened Hamster include setting it on fire (Molotov Hamster) or coating it with a toxic residue (Poisoned Hamster Dart).
A good sharpened hamster can do a lot of damage to most mammals.
==Squirrel Grenade==
This simple device sends out a powerful sonic pulse that disrupts squirrels' molecular structure, turning them into fiery furballs of flaming death. Unless you're really annoyed with squirrels, however, this weapon is of little use. That is, of course, unless it is combined with the patented EoH Cannon, EoH standing for 'Essence of Hazelnut'. This will coat a victim from head to toe with a sticky substance that exudes a powerful smell of these nuts over a wide area, attracting all sorts of undue attention from squirrels. The Squirrel Exploder can then be used to explode these rodents and cause grievous bodily harm to the hapless victim. Nothing hurts like having red hot squirrel guts embedded in your skull.
For maximum efficiency, the squirrels can later be reassembled with the Squirrel Desploder. Waste not, want not and all that.
==Sharks-With-Frikin'-LAZERZ-Attached-To-Their-Frikin'-Heads==
The dastardly invention of famed international villain and romance novelist Dr. Evil, these handy aquatic weapons will leave your enemies quite literally "fishbait". Assuming the aptly-armed shark learns how to fire its "laser". And learns how to aim it. And doesn't turn to face you.
So at face value it isn't a very effective concept. But if water gets into the laser unit you'd better watch out, buster! If this weapon is ever developed, it is highly recommended that the individual deploying it drops the shark from an airplane and gets the hell out of there.
The bargain basement version is mutated, ill-tempered sea bass.
 Very similar to the genius idea (bears wth lasers shooting out of their eyes) suggested by Boromir in Lord of the G-strings.
==Tankcats== 
The Tankcat may be the most powerful being in the universe. The original Tankcat slumbers in Valhalla(much like Mickey Mouse) and whenever it comes down to Earth for a quick snack of continent it causes mass extinctions of life.
After World War 2, however, a Russian scientist discovered the existence of the Tankcat. The Russian government was quick to respond with an elite platoon of highly trained, highly intoxicated polar bears to steal a piece of Tankcat's energy. Russia began to create its own line of less powerful Tankcats sparking a 20-year long Yo Mama Fight/arms race with America.
During the one catfight of the arms race, both sides amassed all of their Tankcats and armies in one spot. This created a mass orgy of blood, limbs, snot, tears, and boo-boos leveling the Garden of Eden into the hellhole we know today as the Middle East. Russia and America then agreed to never use Tankcats again.
Rogue nations today have begun to use Tankcats in warfare again, prompting half-assed international intervention. The continued use of these weapons is turning the Middle East into even more of a shithole. America is now forced to (WOOOO-HOOO!) combat these rogue nations with sheer, unadulterated hypocrisy.
==Radioactive Zombie Badger Launcher==
A rocket launcher designed to fire radioactive badgers. Initial tests revealed that badgers DO succumb to radiation poisoning and CAN explode when fired. Therefore, we had to zombify them to stop them from DYING so often. After later tests proved promising, they were mass produced, but the project was stopped a half-hour later when the badgers mauled Michael Jackson(giving him yet another reason to get a nose job). CAUTION!- THE BADGERS ARE VERY PISSED AND WILL PROBABLY MAUL YOU AFTER FIRING THEM OUT OF A ROCKET LAUNCHER!
Note:Since the badgers are zombies they shouldn't be placed in this section. It was placed here because the initial idea was to fire normal "non-zombie" badgers. Sorry for the confusion.
==Rocket Propelled Chickens==
 Rocket propelled chickens (RPCs) are inexpensive substitutes for actual rocket propelled grenades. They are primarily used in central Asia, where chickens roam the countryside in packs. They are mainly criticized for their high level of non-explosiveness, as they are completely useless unless the enemy is allergic to chicken feathers.
==Puppy Cannon==
thumb|Our current strategy in Iraq involves utilizing deadly (yet adorable!) artillery, such as the puppy cannon.If you're going to kill someone, at least be cute. Variety of varieties available.
=Long-range=
==Ear Drummer==
{|	
An electronic gizmo that is pointed at the occupants of any car with one of those sound systems that has lots of bass that shakes the ground and can be heard a quarter of a mile away. When activated, the weapon instantly pulverizes the eardrums of all of the vehicle's occupants, which they are doing themselves but not quickly enough. The down side is that once they're deaf sometimes they just turn it up louder.