Gerard Butler

Gerard Tiddlesworth Kennedy Gruntington ChickenMcNugget "Gerry" Butler (born 13 November 1969) is a Scottish 'actor' (alleged). He has appeared in such films as: 300.776 recurring, I'd like to teach the world to sing, P.S I stalk you, P.S I can't Sing, P.S Are we having Spag Bol for tea, P.S I stalk you 2: Cya in court, P.S I stalk you 3: Where the fuck is my restraining order, How I ruined the masterpiece that is Phantom of The Opera, P.S I stalk you 4: Oops I dropped the Soap and apparently he played the Phantom in The Phantom of the Opera, but most people turn a blind eye to this fact as it has been deemed unclassifyable as acting, and even more as singing. Oh, and most recently, his latest film 40-Year-Old-Spartan (as pictured). Beans.
==Early life==
Gerard was born in Cuckooland, in that land where the Scottish people live, sometime in the 1700's, although it is unsure when, but he has annoyed the hell out of us since. As a child, he was traumatised by the idea of men wearing skirts so turned his attention to the world of what he believed was "art". Little did he know that he had no real talent except for picking his nose (as pictured). He was in fact 5 times world champion at the annual nose-picking festival before he reached 18; he considers this his greatest achievement to date, and lets be honest, he hasn't done much since. Throughout his school life he bullied many of his classmates due to his nervous disposition which made it impossible for him to keep his hand out of the girls skirts. And the men's, being Scottish and all...
==Early career==
Gerard's way into the business was not easy, this most probably being as he had no talent and could not act for toffee, fudge, jelly beans, bon bons, chocolate buttons, Minstrels, strawberry pencils, Liquorice Allsorts, Haribo or any other mild confectionary you may wish to name. Except perhaps Cinder Toffee, nobody likes that shit. It is rumoured that he got in just because he was Scottish and all Scottish people have to be good actors, just like the Welsh can all sing. He made his break whilst at home watching filthy movies in his bedroom, he was spotted by a certain director who was slightly attracted to him and cast him in his film 300.766 recurring as he got to watch the young Gerard in nothing but a loincloth. This was his way in and since then he has been in every film namable, just like Will Smith and Jennifer Aniston.
==His 'role' as the Phantom==
Oh GOD. Where do you even START. Well we will start with the 'singing' or lack of it. Even though most of the singing is not actually his voice he still manages to completely defy the laws of throats and produce the most ghastly sound you have ever heard, causing many cinema goers to lose their hearing the moment his voice was heard. These unfortunate souls have still not got their hearing back. Many have compared his singing talents to a copious amount of porridge being sucked through a vaccum cleaner and being caught midway. That sorta noise. Some have refered to it as the sound of the voice of David Cameron being played repeatedly at a really high frequency which has to date caused the death of many of the working class people. Like my poor friend Bob, who I used to work down t'pit with. Poor old Bob. He always used to share his butty with me. R.I.P, Bob.
Secondly is now the problem that his role as the "Phantom" has spawned a alliegance of fucking ANNOYING teenage brats who all claim to be the musicals biggest phan, insist that a murderous, middle aged, psychotic frankly maniac virtuoso who lived in the Opera Populaire (DESPITE THE FACT IT NEVER EXISTED!!! Opera GARNIER!!!) is 'teh sex' and frequently write Phanfiction pairing themselves with him (insisting that he's real of course) as a Mary sue with snow white skin and emerald green 'orbs' who's untrained but perfect voice leads the Phantom to forget good old Christine and fall deeply and irrevocably in love with them, after meeting him by means of time travel. Please. For the sake of mine, Phanwank's, and every other mildly intelligent person's sanity: STFU.
The last problem is that this all happened under the watchful eye of Andrew Lloyd Webber who did nothing to stop the problem and allowing this travesty to happen. I mean, Andy, what the hell's wrong with you? Why not cast the infinitely more talented and equally as attractive up and coming Ramin Karimloo? The hell's up with that? Coupled with the fact they may be thinking of making a film of the sequel 'Love Never Dies' with the idea of casting him in the lead role. Gerard Butler raping those top notes in 'Till I hear You Sing' an attractive idea to you? NO! I should think not.
==Personal life==
Gerry still lives with his mother in Sussex. In 2006, he bidded for England's only Yum Yum Tree on ebay, but lost narrowly to Dick Van Dyke. Gerry still bring his 'friends' home to his mothers but has a slight problem doing anything as his mother has slight obsession with tea and is constantly trying to bring some tea into his room for both him and his 'friend' or more commonly 'friends' as he is known to have more than one at a time. She has also been known to bake especially and bring these up to his room whilst he is, what shall we say? Doing the nasty, or as Shakespeare would have it, "making the beast of two backs". Sex, basically for all you who haven't quite grasped it yet.
Category:Scottish actors
Category:People who could benefit from getting laid more often