Murdock Jones

During the 1940's the actions of one particular vigilante went unaccounted due to the large amount of attention attracted towards eastern europe and the second world war. However during this time one of the smelliest frenchmen never to shave his armpits became an underground hero.
Murdock Jones was a man. More than that he was a man's man. The kind of man who could have a wild orgy with 27 women and 26 men without even cracking a smile. He was a surly hero who travelled all across North America solving everyone's problems but always claiming that he was too terrible a person to ever receive thanks for his work. One of the more astounding tales of Murdocks heroic heroism was his rescue of an innocent little girl from a Killer Whale... with rabies.... in the ocean.... in the wintertime.... in Canada! Murdock hearing the little girls yells dived into the water, or like ice, and pulled her from the whales clutches. Once assuring her safety on dryland he dived back into the water, which had like a bunch of ice floes in it, and went to settle the score between him and the whale. Murdock took his manly, man hands and plunged them deep within the whales flesh, tore out a whale baby and then proceeded to beat the whale with it until both the whale calf and whale were dead. This act aggravated a lot of people from the newly formed PETA association who had to take loads of time away from screwing sheep, to come and throw fake blood at Murdock. Murdock's conversation with the little girl nevertheless became one for the history books.
:Innocent little girl: Thanks for saving me Murdock Jones, you're my hero!
:Murdock Jones: Murdock Jones is nobody's hero.
:Innocent little girl's DAMN fine sister: Thanks for saving my little sister Murdock Jones, wanna go back to my apartment, and make love.
:Murdock Jones: Murdock Jones is nobody's apartment.
Murdock Jones will be in our hearts and houses forever. He will live on as a creepy hero who never wanted anything in return but a handful of Satans teeth. With the last known sighting of this hard shell soft inside hero was in Connecticut 1953. Murduck Jones was seen bathing naked in a pit of wild snakes....that were poison....and smelt bad...and didn't like people bathing in there pit. But even with all these factuers at hand Murdock indeed bathed naked with them. He was shiny clean when he came out, and the lizards had nothing on him, even the lizard king would be impressed! Never forgive and forget the legend, the man, Murdock Jones! 
Murdock Jones was once credited with saving the world from an Olympic plot to overthrow The Dark Lord Oprah. Single handedly he fought off uncountable numbers of foes(really they were in the zillions) while at the same time showing inner city kids from Harlem how they can succeed in life with hard work and perseverance(one of those boys grew up to be Micheal Jackson). When asked about how he did it he is rumored to have killed the reporter, cameraman and back handed the camera into submition.
== The Murdock behind the man ==
We hear the amazing tales, and the heroic adventures of the man with bronze brains, but who, what, where and why is this Murdock Jones. 
I am certain that the storys begins in a little town called Riverdale. And I know this is true because I am rarely wrong 23% percent of the time. Having considered this why don't we skip to the killing. Murdock Jones was born in the same hospitle as Hitler. Rumor has it that they actually came from the same mother. We can not prove this because everyone in that hospitle died that day from bone crushing causes. If the legend is true then Hitler was given the evil, and Murdock was given the extreme power to kill or train a raptor with just one look. Murdock always felt resposable for the evil which Hitler spread over the world, and always thought he had too much evil in him. This is the reason why Murdock Jones could never love himself or others. His pre-teens were lost in history but some say he went back in time and told God to get off his lazy ass and do something with his life...thus creating the universe. After his teens he set out on a mission to destroy the evil in the world, thinking that maybe that would destroy the evil within himself. Murdock Jones could make a dog bark like a cat and a cat meow like a dog, he could count every cell in his body, and taught Jesus and Moses that water was their friend.
I know these secret files on Murdock Jones because I know he is still around today. He could live a thousand years and can wait to use the washroom for over 12 hours. Murdock is man among men. But compared to Murdock no man is man.
Category:Bad Motherfuckers
Category:Biographies of Ridiculous Persons
Category:Crazy Incoherent Rambling
Category:Things you'll find wandering the streets of New York City