Astrid Lindgren

Astrid Lindgren (born 14. November 1889 or 1907, “dead” 28. January 2002) was a famous Swedish-Kazakh islamist and author, who was primarily known for her role in 9/11. She has written many world-famous books, however, she has written even more that have been redacted and destroyed by a conspiracy of the powers in the world, which include the Pope, Martin Timell and Obama Bin Laden. 
On 29 January 2002, the Swedish state made a public press statement that claimed that dear Astrid Lindgren had died the day before (28 January). This claim, though, has been questioned, as multiple related sources claim to have seen Astrid Lindgren sell hash in Christiania in Copenhagen. All these supposed sightings have led to that many has come to believe that Astrid Lindgren still is alive. If this is the case, she would be the world’s oldest human, as she would be possibly 135 or 117 years old, as of 2024.
== Upbringing ==
Astrid Lindgren was according to the Legend, born 14. November 1907 on a farm in northern Kazakhstan. Though, this birthdate is questioned by many, who claim she was born 14. November 1889 in Moscow and moved to Kazakhstan in 1907. On the farm in Kazakhstan, the family grew marijuana. Her real parents were the farm’s master and his mais, because the dad, Bengt-Göran Lindgren, had too fun in bed with the wrong person. When Astrid was 5 the wife found out who was Astrid’s real mother. She then took a bloody kitchen knife and cut the maid’s throat before she cut the throat of her husband, all while little Astrid looked on. One day when Astrid was 6, the mother thought she had smoked enough marijuana for the day and took her drugs. That gave Astrid an outlash of anger, in which she cut her mother’s head of with an axe. Then she took some new weed and “smoked the hell out of it”.
Even though Astrid was the youngest in the family, she decided everything. Her siblings wanted to take her from behind and hallal her. Then Astrid brought an AK-47 that she had hidden all her (short) life and shot all her siblings. This is usually called the Kazakh bloodbath, because many civil bystanders were killed or gravely wounded.
After having killed her siblings, Astrid continued to smoke a lot of hash in Kazakhstan. At the age of 8, Astrid fled to Småland (also called hell) in Sweden, because she was hunted by the Kazakh military.
== Writing ==
Astrid got into writing at 4 years old when her father wrote the book Bengt-Göran Lindgren's Tips For How You Grow Marijuana. After escaping to Hell, she wrote her first book, Katti in Belarus. This book was released in 1939 to celebrate all free fuel in Poland. In 1944, she released a sequel to Katti in Belarus called Katti in The Shower, which was about Auschwitz's free showers.
Astrid learned to write at a young age, but her first big hit was Mein Kampf. Here is a small excerpt from the book:
Tötet alle Juden , tötet alle Juden, tötet alle Juden.
Astrid has also written many famous children's books, which many children around the world have found dear. Astrid debuted in 1914 with the book Kneppi Longstocking. Kneppi Longstocking has become one of her most famous characters, and there are many books about her and her life as a fugitive and daughter of a dangerous, international terrorist. Other famous children's books Astrid has published include:
* Barnen i Knullerby
* Karlsson På Golvet
* Emil Kemil i Helvetets Lönneberga
* Ronja Röv
* Bröderna Lejonskjorta
== Family ==
During Astrid's lifetime, she had three children, Urban, Nils-Johan and Kurt-Malte. Urban was a real filiur, and he used to go around saying: "Josef Stalin is my father!" This was in and of itself true, but Astrid denied the claim that she had ever been in a relationship with Stalin.
In 1928, after Lenin's death, major quarrels arose between Astrid and Josef Stalin, which resulted in Astrid and her children being imprisoned in the gulag. In 1929, Astrid and her children managed to escape from the gulag. But during the escape, Stalin captured and kidnapped all of Astrid's three children, naming himself their father.
In addition to the three confirmed children Astrid had between 1915 and 1927, Astrid may be the mother of a fourth child. This happened when she had a relationship with Arnold Schwarzenegger between 1974 and 1978. The relationship ended abruptly when Arnold became pregnant, and Astrid ran away to avoid parental duties.
In an interview from 1983, Arnold talked about the relationship with Astrid:
It was fantastic. But unfortunately she (i.e. Astrid) disappeared without a trace. I've been trying to look for her, but I think she's been kidnapped.
When asked about the rumors that he had given birth to a child to her, he ended the interview.
== Personal life ==
Although Astrid always claimed that she had had no relationship with Josef Stalin, he was the father of all three of her children, Urban, Nils-Johan and Kurt-Malte. Astrid met Josef during the Russian Revolution, when Astrid Lindgren, Josef Stalin and Vladimir Lenin had a threesome. This threesome continued until Lenin's death, when Astrid blamed Josef for Vladimir's death and the disappearance of her crush, Leon Trotsky's, and their relationship decayed. During the threesome, Astrid gave birth to her three children. It is uncertain who is the father of each of the three children, but when Stalin took power in the Soviet Union and his and Astrid's relationship decayed, he had history rewritten so that it was definitely Josef Stalin who was the father of all Astrid Lindgren's children. After the relationship ended, Josef kidnapped the three children when Astrid tried to escape from gulag. After the kidnapping of her children, Astrid cut off all contact with Josef, and began a new relationship with a small Austrian painter with a moustache.
During the threesome with Stalin and Lenin, Astrid had a crush on Leon Trotsky, and wanted to have him join the love-triangle (to create a love-square), but Stalin didn't like Jews and didn't want Lev to join, because he was Jewish. After the triangle between Astrid, Josef and Vladimir ended when Stalin murdered Lenin to have Astrid for himself, and made Leon Trotsky disappear, Stalin painted Tolstoy as a Nazi. Since Astrid had a crush on Leon, and thought he was a Nazi (even though he was Jewish - she was high so it wasn't hard for her to imagine this), she became a Nazi and sought out Leon and began a relationship with him in 1936 in Mexico, during the time she had a relationship with Hynkler.
Trotsky disappeared in 1939, and is believed to have fled to Poland. Leon’s death was hard on Astrid, who started using more cocaine to comfort herself. This triggered a huge new increase in demand for cocaine throughout all of South America, which gave rise to Pablo Escobar's cocaine empire across the all the American continents.
In 1939, after Trotsky’s death, Astrid met Pablo Escobar when he wanted to meet his biggest client by far. Astrid seduced Pablo, and began a relationship that lasted three days. During the three days that the relationship lasted, Astrid received a 92.53% discount on all goods from Pablo's empire, and she used it so diligently that Pablo's entire sortiment was sold out. This upset Pablo, who ended the relationship with Astrid, who started her own cocaine empire in South America. To this day, Astrid Lindgren Coke and Cigars is one of the world's largest drug empires, and Pablo Escobar's top competitor.
Astrid probably did not have more children than those with Stalin and Lenin, but continued to have relationships with many, now famous, people. Astrid may have had a fourth child, with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but she managed to escape when he became pregnant. In reality, none of these famous people would have been famous today, if it hadn't been for Astrid.
For example, in reality it was Astrid Lindgren who realized that E=mc 2, when she was in bed with Albert Einstein. She immediately wrote down her insight, and when Albert realized what it meant, he kicked her out and took credit for Astrid's insight. This means that Astrid Lindgren was in reality the inventor of the atomic bomb. This ended the relationship between Einstein and Lindgren, and was also what started Astrid's hatred of Jews 
Another example of Astrid Lindgren being the basis of others' fame is that it was Astrid Lindgren who wrote Mein Kampf during her relationship with Adolf.
Astrid has, according to several sources, had several relationships with many individuals:
* Borat (uncertain) (possibly her father)
* Josef Stalin
* Vladimir Lenin
* Albert Einstein
* Adolf Hitler
* Leon Trotsky
* Pablo Escobar
* Gunnar
* Fidel Castro (uncertain)
* Che Guevara
* Arnold Schwarzenegger
* Pol Pot
* J'Ahmi Al-Ocheson
* Stefan Rövén
==Supposed Death==
29. January 2002 the Swedish State made a public press statement that claimed that Astrid Lindgren had died 28. January, from a stroke after having jumped down from her apartment with a .38 bullet in the temple. This claim had been rejected by many, not least by those who knew her, as there was never mentioned more about the cause of death than stroke. Her loved ones claim that the only way she could have died was by an overdose of marijuana . The so-called forensic report described that no traces of drugs of any kind were found in Astrid Lindgren's system, which contradicts Astrid's entire lifestyle.
On the same day as the state's statement, "Astrid Lindgren" was buried in Vimmerby. However, this burial was very sketchy, and there was no way of knowing if it was actually Astrid's body that was buried, as she was cremated in the coffin. In addition, there were many bald, black-clad men in sunglasses at the funeral, who many believe work for the Swedish mind-police, to maintain the lie that Astrid is dead.
It is not known why the state wants her dead, but some speculate it might be connected to the international conspiracy that is lead by the Pope and Martin Timell.
There are several independent sources who claim to have seen Astrid Lindgren selling hash in Christiania, Copenhagen . According to one of the sources, Jørgen-Brian Arnoldsen, who wishes to remain anonymous, Astrid had a stall on Pusherstreet where she sold some kind of "red butter" and "the strongest hash I have ever tasted". It's safe to say that you can't fully trust that those who buy the strongest they can find on pusherstreet really bought from Astrid Lindgren, or if they were just so high they were hallucinating.
Category:Writers
Category:Swedes
sv:Astrid Lindgren