SouljaGame Ultimate: Dual Plagues

==Part One: The Home Console==
Ya boy was at Goodwill lookin for bargain games like usual and I found this weird console called the SouljaGame Ultimate Home Console? Said it could run ANY home console game, period. Probably a scam but I took the chance on it anyway I mean it was only 10 dollars.
I got a huge collection of games and consoles from every generation so I was the perfect guy to test it. I picked a few games from every home console I owned and they actually all worked and I was shocked. Only way it could be better is if there was a handheld version of this, but this was still incredible.
Weird thing though was I looked it up and found absolutely no info on it. Even the official SouljaGame website didn't have a single mention of a "SouljaGame Ultimate". So where did this thing come from? Idk, just thought it was cool.
Anyways next day I saw a roach on the wall and smashed it with a shoe.
Next day I saw two roaches on the wall and smashed em at the same time with both shoes, it made me feel epic and swag.
Woke up next morning...they were everywhere. I literally couldn't see the walls or ceilings, it musta been thousands. I ran out of there with my SouljaGame Ultimate. Felt bad for leavin everything else behind but it was all replaceable, the SouljaGame Ultimate wasn't.
Drove to the nearest hotel with the SouljaGame Ultimate buckled up in the passenger seat. Good thing they weren't that busy so I could just ask for a room. When I got my room I tucked the SouljaGame Ultimate into one bed and sat on the other bed thinkin of what to do next.
That wasn't like a normal infestation, that was like a biblical plague. Could an exterminator even deal with that? I decided to take the chance just like I did on buying this awesome console.
Called the best exterminator in town and agreed to an inspection to assess what all needed to be done. I left the hotel to meet him at my house, but not before I kissed my SouljaGame Ultimate goodnight and turned the lights off.
We both made it to my house at the same time. I opened the door for him...gone. No roaches, like it never even happened. I was confused. Thought maybe they were hiding or something.
No, he does the whole inspection and tells me I got no signs of roaches. Did I just hallucinate them all? At least he did inspections for free. I just thanked him before he left, and went back to the hotel to get my SouljaGame Ultimate and check out early.
Moment I stepped into the lobby, I saw a hundred roaches all over the walls.
"Hey you see all those roaches?"
"Yes, I'm really sorry, they showed up so suddenly, we're working on it."
So at least I ain't hallucinating those. But how did all those just show up? I was gone for like an hour.
I got my SouljaGame Ultimate out of my room, but before I checked out, I brought it to the car, buckled it up, turned the AC on and started playin Crank That on the radio.
But when I went back in to check out, all the roaches were gone.
"Wow you got all the roaches already?"
"No! I looked away for one second and they all disappeared!"
What.
I just finished checkin out and started drivin home.
Wait a second...
Bring console to house. House gets roaches. Take console out of house. Roaches gone.
Bring console to hotel. Hotel gets roaches. Take console out of hotel. Roaches gone.
The moment I rolled into my driveway I knew what to do.
I took that console out of the car, held it up in the air, yelled "GO TO HELL CURSED CONSOLE" and slammed it on the pavement, smashed it with a sledgehammer, and threw it in the dumpster.
Never seen a roach in my house since.
==Part Two: The Handheld==
So ya boy was back at it again lookin for bargain games at Goodwill and found the SouljaGame Ultimate Handheld that could play any handheld game, I had flashbacks to the home console version that gave me a biblical plague of roaches but me being me I still gave this one a chance.
Was driving home with the handheld laying in the passenger seat when just before the bridge my car started making weird awful noises like I never heard from a car before. I pulled over and opened the hood.
Thing was stuffed with like a thousand living and dead wasps. I IMMEDIATELY shut it back. Took me a moment to breathe.
Good thing I knew what to do.
I got that handheld outta my car, walked up to the bridge, yelled "NOT CURSING ME AGAIN YOU HANDHELL FROM HELD [sic]" and chucked it in the river. Walked back to my car and checked under the hood again and all the wasps were gone.
5 dollars down the drain. Never at least got to try it first. Whatever. I drove home with total peace of mind.
I thought that was it. But I saw it in the news the next day.
That river was stuffed with millions of dead wasps.
I started freakin out thinkin the law was gonna get me for this and then I remembered most people wouldn't think some guy chucking a bootleg handheld into a river would make it polluted with millions of dead bugs.
But I knew that's what went down, so I was the only one who could fix it.
So I did. That night I went down to that river wearing protective gloves and I found that handheld, pulled it out of the wasp river and got my sledgehammer outta the car and smashed it to pieces, then threw those pieces in the nearby public trash can.
Went back home, slept hard.
Next day, news said all the wasps were gone. Chalked up as mass hysteria. I still pretend it was. I don't wanna think about these things man, I just wanna game.
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