BirdSim

Just finding out this evening that unless my landlord/roomie that my partner and I are subletting under is able to get a two-bed wheelchair accessible flat in which we can all live, my partner and I will be made homeless. The Council has pretty much said they don't give a shit and have said they can only give a one-bed flat unless our roomie can prove they need 24 hour care. Realistically we do help a lot in keeping everything running and in order, as well as being able to be there if they collapse/pass out/get hurt. There might be a chance they can get the two-bed flat. Maybe.
So the options if the flat doesn't happen is hope and pray the Council has mercy on us and grants us a property, or move back out to bumfuck nowhere to my partner's family's home, get driven insane, and make it nigh impossible for me to attend uni properly because of shitty public transport. I can't really afford a car and I don't have a license. I would have to spend all that money to get a license, then buy a car, then pay for all of those related upkeep costs. Again, can't really afford that, but I would be forced to. Uni pretty much demands I live in the city, and nothing in the private sector for rent is affordable (and good luck finding a landlord who takes Housing Benefit). Can't take time off from uni as this all gets sorted out because I only get paid during term time. I can't afford to not be in uni.
Honestly? I'm really goddamn scared, and in regards to general adulting it takes a lot to scare me. Right now the only thing keeping me from not panicking is my partner. If this insane level of stress crushes me again I'm worried that I will eventually snap and wind up being sectioned. I'm used to getting bent out of shape, and having times where I have nothing but the desire to bring harm to myself, but it has been five years since I have snapped. The prospect of everything right now is shaking me to the core.
This sucks and I need shit to go right for more than a week at a time before something else goes wrong for once. 
==Jun 11, 2015==
Sometimes I can pretend that I'm not mentally ill, that BPD isn't awful, and that the meds I'm on are just sugar pills or something. The pretending isn't all that convincing, but you do what you can.
Today was not part of those "sometimes." I relapsed, and I relapsed hard. If my partner hadn't been on me all day watching my every move I would have probably tried offing myself, or at least hurt myself in much more drastic ways. Instead I just settled for hurting myself by ripping out my hair and bits of skin. If I were back in Florida, I would be back in a psych ward again. Thankfully the Baker Act isn't a thing here (every facility I got stuck in was 200% horrid, bad luck?), and even more so I'm glad I don't live alone.
I feel like a failure in all respects. I passed this term and now the whole year at uni, but not enough for my standards. I tried really hard to get a job I needed to avoid going into absolute poverty and I failed. To add insult to injury, it was through some automated bullshit, not even the slightest bit of care. Oh and it had volunteering information, as if working for free is going to save me from having zero income save for what I can pull in commissions this entire summer.
The RSPCA also solicited me and I really should have hung up. I really didn't need a story about a dog getting pinned down and beaten, and that if I didn't donate a bunch of money I can't spare that it will continue because of my greed.
I wish I could reset today and have everything go right. I just want all of the effort I put in to everything I do to mean something, but now I don't see the point. All I get is nothing in return. Why bother wasting my energy when I can just give up and get the exact same results?
Of course I also get reminded of how people on Tumblr will grab the label of what I suffer yet never feel the suffering itself. I would be lying if I said I didn't hate them.
==May 3, 2015==
I keep getting underpaid by the VA for the GI Bill (which my dad transferred to me). The department keeps giving me like half of my Monthly Housing Alliance which is the only income I get save for the odd commissions I pull which is no more than a couple hundred pounds a month at my luckiest. Due to this, I'm well below the poverty line, instead of sitting just above it like I am when I get my full payments. With that in mind I am way overqualified for any sort of welfare and support, like the caps of the amount of money one must have less than to qualify for welfare seem massive to me. But seeing as I am a filthy immigrant I have zero access to public funds. Any of em. At all.
The reasoning the VA has is screwy as hell. They only pay for the days of which I am in class. So for every couple days I lose or am simply not in due to breaks, I basically lose $100. It's like they think that I can just go home over breaks and all of my living costs - rent, utilities, other bills, transport, medications, etc. - all just disappear because my assumed-to-be affluent (and my parents aren't affluent in the slightest) parents will just pay for everything, of course. I told them that I cannot get by if they keep slicing my payments into a fraction of what I was told they would be, and they basically said "fuck you, that's how it works." My parents can't pick up the financial slack - go figure my family is broke from being stuck on military pay for decades.
I wouldn't have a gripe if that's "how it works" if how it works left me in a livable state, not poverty. I've got some serious mental health issues which I have to work through, and it makes just being a full time uni student a nightmare. There is no way in hell I could handle a job and uni at the same time. My grades would absolutely plummet and I would probably flunk out. I shouldn't have my hand forced like this, but I doubt any amount of pleading and phone calls from my father to light fires under asses at the VA for being pretty damned unethical will really change much. After all, it's pretty much the government's job to keep people from getting any damn money. To be honest I am pretty freaked out.
It doesn't help that every day I am around people who bitch about how their family is too rich for them to get benefits or increased student financial support - in spite of being given way more money by their parents than I *should* get from the VA. Plus they often have student accounts with £1000+ of penalty-free overdraft, which I also cannot have as a filthy immigrant (in spite of being a student who pays way more than UK citizens). They blow all of their money on booze and expensive designer clothing and shit meanwhile all I can do is pay my bills and have to spend a ton on medications (even with the NHS).
I hate this.
Category:Fag