If I could be assed

If I could be assed you would be preparing to read the most innovative, hilarious and original article ever posted on Uncyclopedia. 
If I could be assed I'd do my very best to make sure the news of my article's creation was spread across Uncyclopedia faster than AIDS across a poverty-stricken African village. 
If I could be assed I would have tried to make that last joke not racist yet still funny. I would replace it with something tasteful like "insert tasteful yet funny joke here", but I just cannot be assed. 
If I could be assed I'd think of another way to say "If I could be assed" other than saying "If I could be assed" all the time to avoid repetitiveness. 
== But the simple fact is ==
I simply cannot be assed. I don't often wonder what it would be like to be assed, and you know why? Because I cannot be assed to wonder such things. 
In fact, I cant even be assed to think of something meaningful to add to this section, so here is a little fact you may or may not have known about copyright protection (copied and pasted from wikipedia of course, I cant be assed to think of a fact myself). 
"Copyright gives the author of an original work exclusive right for a certain time period in relation to that work, including its publication, distribution and adaptation, after which time the work is said to enter the public domain. Copyright applies to any expressible form of an idea or information that is substantive and discrete and fixed in a medium. Some jurisdictions also recognize "moral rights" of the creator of a work, such as the right to be credited for the work. Copyright is described under the umbrella term intellectual property along with patents and trademarks."
Isn't that amazing? I didn't read it myself, I couldn't be assed. 
== What would life be like if I could be assed? ==
If I could be assed I would realize some of the few dreams I thought up when I could be assed:
*I would become an astronaut
*I would swim with dolphins
*I would become a rock star
*I would build a time machine
*I would solve all the world's problems
But I will never be assed enough to do this.
== I do wonder... ==
I do wonder what exactly it means to be "assed" The act of been assed sounds quite intimate to me, but hell what do I know, I didn't pay attention to these things in school, I COULDN'T BE ASSED. OH DEAR IT APPEARS I ACCIDENTALLY HIT THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON MY COMPUTER SCREEN. I WOULD TURN IT OFF BUT THE EFFORT TO REACH ONE OF MY FINGERS TO A KEY I DON'T USE ALL THAT OFTEN WOULD JUST BE TOO MUCH FOR ME. I CANNOT BE ASSED.
OH DEAR MY WIFE HAS JUST TOLD ME SHE IS LEAVING ME. I WOULD STOP HER, BUT I CANNOT BE ASSED.
SHE HAS TAKEN MY WALLET AND MY CAR WITH HER, AND SEVERAL SUITCASES. I WOULD STOP HER BUT I CANNOT BE ASSED. 
SHE HAS GONE. LEFT ME FOREVER WITHOUT EXPLANATION. I GUESS I SHOULD BE UPSET, I GUESS I SHOULD CRY. BUT I CANNOT BE ASSED. 
A VERY SERIOUS SITUATION HAS DEVELOPED. MY THE FIRE ALARM IS GOING OFF AND I SMELL SMOKE DOWNSTAIRS. I SHOULD GO CHECK IT OUT BUT I CANNOT BE ASSED.
NOW I SEE ORANGE FLAMES LICKING ACROSS MY CARPET AND BEGINNING TO ENCIRCLE ME. MY CLOTHES HAVE SET ON FIRE AND I AM BURNING ALONG WITH THEM. I WOULD PUT THEM OUT MYSELF BUT I'M TOO BUSY FINISHING THIS ARTIC-
Category:Articles written in the first person