Jeff the Killer, Hyper British Edition

Excerpt from a local Newspaper: OMINOUS UNKNOWN FOREIGNER IS STILL AT LARGE. After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous foreign killer is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely tells his story. "I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under me covers and tried to get back to kip. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between me curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren't regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The bloke stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a nutter could speak. "He said, 'Go To Kip.' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled up a jellied eel; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That's when me dad busted in. The bloke threw the jellied eel, it ruined me dad's shirt. The bloke probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the bobbies. "They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of me house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that proper psychotic smile. They will never leave me head." Bobbies are still on the look for this bloke. If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local bobby department. Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "British" neighborhoods. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. A new, better flat. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by. "Oi," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce me self and to introduce me son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Reginald, these are our new neighbors." Reginald said oi and ran back to play in his yard. "Well," said Jeff's mum, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mum. "Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid." "Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. He dismissed it as just some random boner. He heard his mum call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it. The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his bangers and mash, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it. As he and Liu finished their bangers and mash, they walked down to the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the double-decker bus, and then, all of a sudden, some chav on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?" The chav landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The chav seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. He wears a Burberry coat and like five gold chains. He had a square head and a paving slab of a face. "Oi, mates. It looks like we got some new meat." Suddenly, two other chavs in Burberry trench coats appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge. "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Toby." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny chav. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have. "And he's Matt." They looked over at the fat chav. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since he has reached for his last serving of toad-in-the-hole. "And I," said the first kid, "am Jacob. Now, for all the wankers in this block of flats there is a small price for double-decker bus fare, if you catch my drift." Liu stood up, ready to punch the shite out of the chav's arse when one of his friends pulled a plastic fork on him. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way." The kid walked up to Liu and nicked his wallet. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid. "Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Jacob put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own fork. "Oh? And what will you do then, mate?" Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. As Jacob reached for his paving slab of a face, Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and broke it. Jacob screamed and Jeff grabbed the fork from his hand. Jacob then tried to walk away before the next tense swap. Matt and Toby put down the crisps they had begun to eat and rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. He threw Jacob to the ground. Toby lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and poked him in the arm. Toby dropped his fork and fell to the ground screaming. Matt rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the fork. He just punched Matt straight in the bollocks and Matt went down. As he fell, he sicked toad-in-the-hole all over his Burberry trench coat. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff. "Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said. They saw the double-decker bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole thing. So they started running as fast as they could. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Jacob and the others. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, poke someone. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the double-decker bus anymore, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful day." Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two bobbies at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look. "Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were poked. Poked, son!" Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true. "Mom, they were the ones who pulled the forks on me and Liu." "Son," said one of the bobbies, "We found three chavs, two poked, one having sick on his Burberry, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?" Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu. "Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the chavs. "Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The bobby looked at his partner and they both nod. "Well kid, looks like a year in borstal..." "Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a cricket bat. The bobbies drew their wands and locked them on Liu. "It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle. "Son, just put the cricket bat down," said the bobby. Liu held up the cricket bat and dropped it to the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the bobbies. "No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running down his face. "Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The bobbies led Liu out to the bobby car. "Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!" Jeff's mum put her hands on his shoulders. "Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, you can shut up." Jeff watched helplessly as the bobby car speeds off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong. "Son, son what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff's mum walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to kip, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu at borstal. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mum, with a happy, sunshiny face. "Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and let smog-filtered light flood into his room. "What, what's today?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake. "Why, it's Reginald's party." He was now fully awake. "Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kid's party after..." There was a long pause. "Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed." Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid's party? "Son, is that all your going to wear?" said Jeff's mum. "Better than wearing too much." he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to beat him and hid it with a smile. "Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." said his father. Jeff grunted and went back up to his room. "I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairs. "Just pick out something." called his mum. He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a top hat and put it on. "You're not wearing a shirt?" they both said. His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Reginald's house. They knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, way over-dressed. As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids. "The kids are out in the back. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?" said Barbara. Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were running around in weird British costumes and mugging imaginary tourists with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us. Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat. "Oi. Wanna pway?" he said. "Ah, no kid. I'm way too old for this stuff." The kid looked at him with that weird British face. "I won't ask you again, you bloody wanker," said the kid. "Fine," said Jeff. He put on the hat and started to pretend mug imaginary tourists. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Jacob, Toby, and Matt all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat. Jacob looked at Jeff with a burning hatred. "Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. "We have some unfinished business." Jeff saw his bruised nose. "I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to borstal." Jacob got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our arses that one day, but not today." As he said that Jacob rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Jacob punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Jacob off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Matt and Toby both pulled wands out of their pockets. "No one interrupts or spells will fly!" they said. Jacob pulled a fork on Jeff and poked it into his shoulder. Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Jacob started kicking him in the bollocks. After three kicks Jeff grabs his foot and twists it, causing Jacob to fall to the ground. Jeff stood up and walked towards the back door. Matt grabbed him. "Need some help?" He picks Jeff up by the back of his American neck-fat and throws him through the patio door. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground. Jacob repeatedly starts kicking Jeff, until he starts to cough up blood. "Come on Jeff, fight me!" He picks Jeff up and throws him into the kitchen. Jacob sees a bottle of Worcestershire sauce on the counter and smashes the glass over Jeff's head, while the bottle also cuts Jacob's hand to ribbons. "Fight!" He throws Jeff back into the living room. "Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with Worcestershire sauce. "I was the one who got your brother sent to borstal! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should be ashamed, mate!" Jeff starts to get up. "Oh, finally! you stand and fight!" Jeff is now to his feet, blood and Worcestershire sauce on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Jacob as he runs at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His American psyche is destroyed, all American thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill in the most absurdly British way possible. He grabs Jacob and pile drives him to the ground. Then he drags him onto the roof and suplexes him off of the roof, through a table of assorted puddings on the ground because they're in England. Then he grabs a black pudding and slaps Jacob's chest with it so hard that it explodes his heart and ruins his Burberry. As Jacob gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood smears on Jacob's trench coat, until he takes one final breath, and snuffs it. Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, even Matt and Toby. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their wands at Jeff. Jeff see's the wands trained on him and runs for the stairs. As he runs Matt and Toby let out lightning on him, each bolt missing. Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Matt and Toby follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of lightning Jeff ducks into the loo. He has a piss, then grabs a nearby spotted dick of off another table of puddings in the bathroom, because he's in England. Matt and Toby race in, forks ready. Matt jabs his fork at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the spotted dick into Matt's face. Matt goes down hard and now all that's left is Toby. He is more agile than Matt though, and ducks when Jeff swings the spotted dick. He dropped the fork and grabbed Jeff by the American neck-fat. He pushed him into the wall. A pint of London porter fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It was instantly absorbed into their skin and they both became slightly inebriated. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He pulled back the spotted dick and swung it straight into Toby's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death, he let out an ominous smile. "What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Toby pulled out a lighter and switched it on. "What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in Worcestershire sauce and London porter. It reminds me of a joke I heard." Before Jeff could ask what the joke was, Toby threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the London porter. While the porter burned him, the Worcestershire sauce bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire. He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use, the porter had made him a walking inferno. He ran down the corridor, and fell down the stairs. Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a bloke on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother accidentally throwing a bowl of keys on him. That's when he passed out. When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arse, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in. "I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his mother. "Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the police that Jacob confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go." This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again." Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff's face everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed. "Let's hope for the best," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face. Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad stare awe-struck at his face. "What? What happened to me face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It... it's horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror. "Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..." "Not that bad?" said Jeff, "It's bloody wicked!" His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching. "Uh... Jeff, are you okay?" "Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes quite proper with me!" He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Jacob something in his mind, his American-ness, snapped. Now he was left as a British killing machine, all sixes and sevens, that is, his parents didn't know. "Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... American, you know. In the head?" "Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken absurdly large amounts of British culture. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we'll give him an American citizenship test." "Oh thank you doctor." Jeff's mother went over to Jeff. "Jeff, sweety. It's time to go." Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay mommy, football football footbaaaaall!" his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes. "This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and top hat her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together. Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life. Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a black pudding and eaten it, smearing blood across his cheeks. "Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother. Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever, because this pudding's bloody wicked!" Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black. "Jeff, your eyes!" His eyes were seemingly never closing. "I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face." Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful?" "Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face." She ran into the room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the gun we..." She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a Bedfordshire clanger. "Mum, you lied." That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the clanger, staining both of their nightgowns beyond repair. His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the Bedfordshire clanger ready to smear it onto Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip. "Shut your bloody mouth," Jeff said. "Just go to kip."
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Jeff the Killer
Category:Wall of Text
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS
Category:Read by MichaelLeroi
Category:Hall of Fame