Rona Ambrose

Rona Gertrude Kasper Ambrose, PC, MP, MA is Canada's Minister of Supposedly Intergovernmental and Other Quite Promiscuous Affairs after spending a few months as the Minister of the "Environment" from February 2006 to January 2007. Born March 15, 1969 in Valleyview, Alberta, Rona enjoyed all the perks that being a small boy in a typical farming town provided including the ability to go fishing on Saturdays, attend church Sunday night, and play Dance, Dance Revolution on Wednesdays. Ambrose is regarded as one of the greatest enigmas (and even perhaps genres) of Canadian politics, but some details have been recently released regarding, erm, "her" personal side. As the former Minister of Open the Windows and Bring Me Some Sandwiches, Ambrose was a senior member of Prime Minister Stephen Harper's fledgling government, but following a recent Cabinet shuffle, Ambrose has been re-assigned to a position where she may more openly explore her "talents".
== The Thailand Connection ==
Recently, an internet sex scandal has embroiled, erm, "her" party's government, as "she" has used "her" MSN savvy to try to woo unsuspecting MPs, including "her" leader, Stephen Harper into virtual sexual rendezvous. Most shockingly, however, Ken Dryden--"her" sworn enemy on child care--was one of the men "she" caught in "her" cyber web. This should not be so surprising, as it is becoming well known that Ambrose is extremely proficient in 13375P34K (pronounced leet speak), as well as Portuguese and Spanish. The matter is still a topic of much controversy in the Canadian media, as it appears that one of these illicit "convos" occurred between Ambrose and CTV's Mike Duffy.
Recently, speculation on Ambrose's real gender has emerged, due to "her" mannish features and irregular first name. In a recent news report, Ambrose's mother admitted in a thick Brazilian accent to Rona's nickname being "Ron" in "her" youth, and that her child had spent an unexplained two-year stint in Thailand during the 1980s in an area of the country known for sexual health clinics (please see article on Area 68). Many female MPs have also noted that Ambrose has joked, "I only wear skirts longer than my penis", much to their confusion. Former Cabinet Minister and Conservative Party front-bencher Belinda Stronach has reportedly told Liberal insiders that Ambrose enjoys wearing Birckenstocks and men's briefs as well as "chauvinistic hip-hop" music, and is not afraid to flaunt such at Conservative Caucus meetings. 
Of course, there has been no official response on Ambrose's part, as "her" press secretary FiFi Starbeam-Pasqualini--who was later revealed to be a Romanian stripper named Daniela Stefanescu--repeatedly denied these allegations as "like, totally ridiculous...whaaaadaaaaBEEP".
The Bloc Québécois has pledged to hold a public inquiry into "her" activities if they form a government. However, Gilles Duceppe, leader of the Bloc Québécois, told reporters in broken English that he would "support it's [Ambrose's] decision, no matter what shape or form".
On the other hand, the ex-leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, Stéphane Dion (pronounced Steff-aaahn, as opposed to Steeve-en) was famously recorded sucking his teeth after being passed by Ambrose in the lobby of Parliament.
==Political Contributions==
While Ambrose was the Environment Minister, it was not clear what was done with the portfolio "she" held. Recent speculation that "she" may have been organizing environmental meetings yielded little information:
When asked about these speculations, Rona screeched that the idea was "preposterous" and that if she did anything whatsoever she's "let us know". She then repeated her oath as a Tory Cabinet Minister.
== Personal Life ==
When not in Ottawa attending "conferences", Rona Ambrose likes to spend quiet days home "alone" at her cattle ranch in Alberta. She is also known to hit the local hipster scene at night time; clubbers refer to her as "Ronalee Ambrosia" because she likes to dress in dark clothing and sneak around unsuspecting drunkards screeching "AIEEECTION, AIEEECTION". In a recent interview conducted by Jim Junkin of CTV news, she said,
Tired of her broken social scene, she is also known to attend counselling for single women. A recent encounter with Lance Bass yielded mixed feelings for both of them. When she confessed her love for him, he simplied replied, "Rona, see, I...I ugh, I'm gay." Sources report she screamed with excitement and hugged him in a strange, almost enveloping way.
Rona's friends have often been cited complaining about her arrogant personality. Kelly, Rona's childhood school peer, recalled a conversation that once took place:
She is currently looking into buying an amusement park so that "small children" can "have some hope" about their "bleak futures" as "cattle prodders". Some names for the establishment that have been rumoured include "Rona's Palace" and "Ron's Playground". No word has been said yet in regards to privatization of individual rides.
== Celebrities on Rona Ambrose ==
{{q|I really dislike her. Why does she always find it necessary to come to my place and try to kill my dog? Why Rona? Just leave Rimshot alone.|Ernest P. Warrel (*Ghost of Ernest P. Warrel as he was killed by that awful Troll from Ernest: Scared Stupid)}
== Trivia ==
Please note these come from a Toronto newspaper called "The Libertine", published but once a year and distributed free of charge.
*She enjoys camp fires, playing acoustic guitars, and eating baked beans whilst listening to wolverines howl in the moonlight.
*She prefers "Nair" over other popular hair-removing techniques. She is known to frequent Shopper's Drug Mart incognito.
*She willfully participated in a series of events boosting her own popularity in "The Ultimate Hottest Canadian MP Besides Ken Dryden" contest, but lost out to fellow Tory Tom Lukiwski due to her rather ambiguous persona. 
*She owns a large collection of slinkies.
*She collects stamps from Alberta and Quebec.
*Ambrose has a lower-back tattoo featuring a suggestively situated bunch of bananas.
*She was once ejected from a caucus meeting for listening to "Temperature" by Sean Paul too loudly on her iPod.
*She has a toy poodle named "Binky".
*Ambrose is known to occasionally wear a cup.
*While in university, she studied the art of claymation and was going to take over the "Wallace and Gromit" series before her rise to fame as a politician.
*She and Stephen Harper dated briefly over the internet.
*She is fond of Roquefort cheese because it "smells like home".
*She frequents a large number of international pigeon conferences.
*Ambrose lived in Thailand for a two-year period between 1987 and 1989, reportedly for "medical purposes".
*Ambrose is a rabid MSN Messenger user, often berating her opponents with rude replies, such as "KTHXBAI"
*Ambrose has a podcast called, "YOU CAN'T TXT MSG BRKUP"
*She is a member of a support group for single women called "Single and SENSATIONAL".
*Lesser known jobs she held to pay for university tuition fees include "Dollarama" (a "popular" Canada-wide dollar store chain), "Stitches", "Claire's", and "Harry Rosen".
*She has been seen frequenting local arcades and playing "Dance Dance Revolution (DDR)".
*She has recently traded in her Lada Niva for a newer 1993 Toyota Tercel, with air conditioning.
*It is rumoured that Ambrose offered Former Prime Minister Paul Martin DDR lessons, but he declined, stating that he preferred "Street Fighter".
*Ambrose has a famous disdain for cheez whiz, pussycats, and snowboarders.
*Ambrose's nickname in her youth was "Ron".
*She has always liked Hallowe'en, and she has participated every year since she can remember. In a candid interview with the Toronto SUN, Ambrose told of her favourite year:
"In grade 8, I dressed up as a female. No one really understood the costume, but I had fun. In Brazil, sexual ambiguity is a normal part of life.......I think." 
*Ambrose has a fetish for counterfeit "Louis Vuitton" purses and fried plantains.
==See Also==
* Stephen Harper's Cabinet
28th Ministry - Government of Stephen "Tripotle Narst" Harper	28th Ministry - Government of Stephen "Tripotle Narst" Harper 	28th Ministry - Government of Stephen "Tripotle Narst" Harper
Cabinet Posts (2) 	Cabinet Posts (2) 	Cabinet Posts (2)
Preceded by:Stéphane "Tripotle Insipid" Dion 	Minister of the Environment(2006) 	Succeeded by:John Baird
The writer of this page is an idiot! 	The writer of this page is an idiot! 	The writer of this page is an idiot!
Preceded by:Peter Van Narstwurstsson 	Minister of Intergovernmental and Other Promiscuous Affairs(2007)	Succeeded by:incumbent
Category:Canadian politicians