EastEnders

Eastenders 	Eastenders
 	
Type 	Soap
Creator 	God
Starring 	Z-list actors
TV Station 	BBC One, BBC One HD
Running Length 	Too long
No. of episodes	Too many to list but all are shit
 
EastEnders (known as ArseEnders) is a teatime televised soap opera, devised by Sir Roger Moore. It is particularly popular with old people in retirement homes, jihadists, and the chronically depressed, and is often advertised with the slogan "For those who can't afford Sky". The show also has a popular theme tune written and performed by gay icon Barney the Dinosaur and DJ Nick Berry featuring Anita Dobson (Brian May’s chief shag queen). The show holds a lot of evil controversy, especially with people who stare at the screen waiting for someone to say 'bitch' or 'tosser' and have the Ofcom phone number on speed-dial.
Although it was released in the UK in the 1980s, plans for the show go as far back as world war two. It was the idea to hypnotize everyone through a sad television programme, and today still the typically severity of depression induced through watching one episode equates to 200g of ketamine.
The show is famous for creating stars such as Ross Kamp (Ultimate Farce) Danny Dyehard, Martine Myclutchin and Dean “Acne” Gaffney.
In 2012 Chuck Norris killed all of the actors in the show and replaced them with artificial intelligence clones on the instruction of Ross Kamp (nee Kemp).
The show was cancelled by the now ex-health secretary Matt Hancock in June 2021 after actor Danny Dyer used incomprehensible and illegal Cockney rhyming slang during one episode. It triggered 3.6 billion complaints to OFCOM. The decision was reversed by Jeremy Kyle on the 1st July and filming has now resumed.
==The Creation of Misery==
1. In the beginning, God created EastEnders and Albert Square. And darkness fell upon the BBC One schedules.
2. And God said "Let there be depression". And there was in abundance.
3. And God saw the depression and it was good. The BBC executives saw the ratings and they said depression is good, too.
4. And God called the depression EastEnders; he then created misery, which included rape, murder, binge drinking, market stalls and Phil Mitchell.
5. And God said "Let there be a pub". And God saw the pub and named it "The Queen Vic".
6. And God said, Let the people who populate The Queen Vic be the dregs of society. They must never smile or laugh, he said. And they must endure situations that are true to life, despite never watching their televisions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm.
7. And God called his people EastEnders. And God said to the EastEnders, Thou shalt commit acts of incest, with Mother and Sister being of one, and Z list actors and 'comedians' in guest appearances.
8. And God said, Bring forth a typical Christmas storyline in which death and misery and the occasional wife-beating must occur.
9. With all his power, God made appear a cast of characters; some yielded from Grange Hill, others from The Bill.
10. And God said, let there be a big storyline once every two annum. And God called the storyline Who Shot Phil Mitchell? And the people watching said "who cares?"
11. And God said "You are my EastEnders. Deal with it."
12. And God said that all of this sin and sadness could be miraculously cured with a nice cup of tea.
== The Ten Commandments of Albert Square == 
And God created the Ten Commandments. All characters must obey the Commandments, He said:
1. Thou shalt not look for work outside the boundaries of Walford. 
2. Thou shalt argue and fight during a party.
3. Thou shalt not swear or curse but feel free to commit acts of: violence, drugs, abuse, torture, murder, dodgy dealings, deception, grassing, peadophilia, cheating, neglect, rape, racism and alcohol...mostly alcohol.
4. Thou shalt always refer to the police as "The Old Bill".
5. Thou shalt not enjoy a successful marriage. 
6. Thou shalt consume breakfast only in Ian's Café.
7. Thou shalt only leave Albert Square by way of death, prison, Manchester or a cab with blackened windows. Or, at a pinch, Spain.
8. Thou shalt not have a merry Christmas.
9. Thou shalt not possess a washing machine. Use the launderette.
10. Thou shalt have thy wedding reception in the Queen Vic.
And he thought them, good. Oh so good.
==Characters==
Christian Clarke 	Jane's brother. Raging homosexual. Once shagged her husband, hard, but all is forgiven. Laughs like a horse. Has a smile so freaky it would make the Joker wince. He seems obsessed with Jack Sparrow. Bloody pervert! But we love 'im. Syed loves 'im too and his bum.
Ian Beale 	Man/weasel who runs a chippy and a café and for some reason thinks that makes him a entrepreneurial businessman. The most wimpy, girly, feminine heterosexual you will ever see, and also an utter fucking cock. Has god knows how many kids, some of them try to kill him or his family, but the sod still loves them. If EastEnders was real, he'd have been stabbed to death long before now. Has also been eight months pregnant for the last year.
Jane/Lesley Clarke 	Used to be fat, changed her name to Jane because she's no longer as fat as she used to be. Got shot in the stomach, had her minge amputated.
Lucy Beale 	Just about the only interesting character on the show, so of course they killed her off when her little brother Bobby stoved her head in with a jewellery box. Looked like she'd be a dirty bitch in bed. Apparently 19... yeah, and her dad's straight.
Peter Beale 	So much like his wimpy father Ian it's uncanny, blatantly going to turn out gay. He aged by 5 years in a week! Dated the Ginger King's daughter. Has basically been in a car crash and been punched by a paedo.
Bobby Beale 	Ever seen The Omen? Look at those eyes! TERRIFYING.
Abi Branning 	Was a little too close to her guinea pigs and incidentally, her very own father... who she took a nose-dive off the top of The Vic for (see Bradley Branning below, or a related article, Deja vu) in an attempt to save his life.
Bradley Branning
150px| 	Ginger. He blushes a LOT. Sorry, blushed a lot. We should be referring to him in the past tense now since he recently took a nose-dive off the top of the Vic during his wedding reception. Come on, you've done worse things on the booze. Got married to Stacey despite the fact that in real life, she wouldn't have even have been friends with him, let alone sleep with him and his ginger pubes. He is, or was an active member of the campaign team for the political party known as The Ginger Alliance (with cousin Bianca and dad Max.) Was once called the Ginger Ninja, and always looked like he had passed wind when he answered the door.
Dot Branning 	Local atheist, smokes an average of 500 cigarettes daily and yet somehow is still alive. Speaks in the same tone of voice constantly, and once spent an ENTIRE EPISODE TALKING TO A FUCKING TAPE RECORDER!
Jack Branning 	The secret love-child of Clive Owen and ROBOCOP! Has had sex with almost every woman in the Square. Has also impreganted ALL of the Mitchell woman.
Derek Branning 	Walford's answer to The Krays as one but a fatter more threatening version. Violent racist thug but since from returning from prison, has apparantly 'changed his ways', despite the fact from bullying almost everyone on the square since returning. Has since died of rabies.
Jim Branning 	Had a stroke. Dot's other half.
Lauren Branning 	Started stuffing socks down her bra aged 7, a living Bratz doll. Tony King saw the inner beauty of her... literally. Somehow was able to put herself into foster care.
Max Branning 	Ugliest womaniser ever? Strongly resembles cross-breed between a goldfish and a scotch egg. Max is de facto leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil, along with Paul Scholes and Mick Hucknall. Could have been spotted playing at Goodison Park and now at Craven Cottage. Yes, you guessed it, he must be Andy Johnson's double. Everyone in Walford hates him, but all the women love him for some reason and finds him irresistable.
Tanya Branning 	Likes zips, and is the inventor of bread hoopla. She has the greatest pair of tits you will ever see! Her husband cheated on her with his son's girlfriend, so she fucked her husband's son's girlfriend's brother and her husband's brother, buried her husband alive, then got him out again... but it's alright, they're friends now.
Janine Butcher 	Resembles a poodle. Killed Barry Evans and his ex-wife which was the only good thing this bitch ever done. Likes to lick her lips after every sentence to look evil, and talks so huskily she probably needs an endorsement from Lemsip or something. Is bizarrely obsessed with owning some shite pub in a made-up part of London. Everyone else on the Square does everything in their power to keep her from being a success because she's one of the few clever people in Walford.
Liam Butcher 	Related to practically everyone. About as clever as his parents, so doesn't stand much chance in life.
Pat Evans 	Fat ex-hooker with horrid looking earrings. Looked like the Honey Monster. Killed someone with her car once, but it didn't stop people asking her for driving lessons. Her earrings were sound radars and she picked up on what everyone was saying, explaining why she was there to answer everyone's problems. One eyebrow was 12 cm higher than the other. Once had a "thing" with Patrick... yuk!
’’’Frank "The Bastard" Butcher’’’ 	Wanked profusely over all the cars in his car lot, as well shagging big Pat and Peggy Mitchell - he also fingered Dot Cotton in 1985. He was Mick Carter’s illegitimate grandfather and taught him Cockney. Was killed by Ross Kemp accidentally when a wayward grenade from his ITV show "Ultimate Force" landed in Frank’s flasher Mack.
Ricky Butcher 	Likes to wear jackets that don't fit him. As thick as pig shite.
Chelsea Fox, aka Budget Rihanna 	Kind of like Naomi Campbell minus a personality, opinion or brain. Would be attractive if she weren't so pathetic.
David Wicks 	Runs away from almost anyone he comes into contact with. Is the son of the infamous old slag Pat Butcher and the father of ginger nut Bianca Butcher and schizophrenic Joe Wicks so no wonder he left the bloody square. Returned to Walford to witness his mother die. He then got back together with ex-girlfriend Carol Jackson (even after he left her when she was pregnant with his child). They got back together for about ten minutes after he fucked off and left her again.
Denise Fox 	Kind of reminds you of Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest except nastier and more uptight. Seems to have a strange attraction to lunatics. Married a drug-addict then left him for an alcoholic psychopath who treated her like a punchbag then left him and got back with the drug-addict who had given up drugs to become a Bible-bashing serial killer who locked her in a cellar. In between marrying maniacs, she married a nice cockney guy called Kevin who loved her to bits but she hated his guts and forgot about him a week after he died in a car accident.
Kim Fox 	Denise's clinically insane sister. Runs a shite B&B infested with mice. Uses charcoal on her face.
Simon 'Wicksey' Wicks 	Bastard son of Pat Butcher who made his childhood a misery. He also shagged his best mate's wife and didn't feel sorry for it. Resembles a cockney but the soft kind.
Libby Fox 	Originally known as Squiggle, but luckily the producers realized just how stupid this sounded. Biggest question is, how did she ever get a boyfriend? Still a virgin. Went to Oxford University and now never visits her mother, despite being in the same city.
Carol Jackson 	Literally the most depressed woman on the square, if not Walford. Has God knows how many kids, in fact, she's had more kids than hot dinners. She returned recently to the sqaure to experience more depression. She also has terrible taste in men and even forgave her daughter when she got off with her boyfriend: she's also really forgiving (even in the most life-destroying matters).
Bianca Butcher 	RICCKKAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Rough, but not quite as rough as Shirley. Has a voice that could grate cheese. She is an active member of The Ginger Alliance's more hardline militant wing. Her last campaign involved lacing all the shampoos at Tanya's salon with ginger hair dye with the objective of making people understand the suffering that gingers have to endure on a daily basis. Once said her uncle Jack Branning was fit and that she'd happily do her cousin Peter Beale... she'll literally sleep with her own family given the chance.
Morgan Jackson-King 	Only eats chicken nuggets. The dinosaur ones scare him. Apparently the son of two white people despite being black.
Tiffany Dean 	Smart-ass ginger girl. Enjoyed destroying things as a child - reminding you of Stewie Griffin - and grew into a miniature version of her mother, complete with her own chav-tastic puffa jacket collection.
Whitney Dean 	Puts her make-up on with a shovel. Turned out to be a bigger slag than her stepmother, so at least she accomplished something. Was sleeping with her mother's boyfriend... hang on, didn't they do that story with Bianca once?
Masood Ahmed
100px| 	Zainab's camp, pompous punchbag. The postman.
Tamwar Masood 	A little library gremlin who is the perfect match for Libby Fox, also a virgin. So sad he raped a toothbrush! Has a dry wit which is frowned upon by his humourless family.
Zainab Masood 	Fat, violently homophobic, dominatrix-like Muslim ex-postal worker who sold her daughter to a Pakistani. Thinks Christian's a pervert despite the fact that Mohammed was a paedophile.
Syed Masood 	Total cock tease. Goes from "Fuck me Christian!", to "Fuck off, I'm muslim!", within minutes of getting a good hard ramming. Syed is known for his catchphrase "I'm Muslin but I've got a little bit of Christian in me!"
Amira Shah 	Is totally unaware of her fiancé and Christian's erotic Greek love, despite staring RIGHT AT THEM when they were holding hands.
Darren Miller 	Looks like a fish wearing lipstick. Still living in the Square even though the rest of his family has moved away, despite the fact he's only 16. Recently became the father of Heffer's baby (Little George Michael Trott) AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Dawn Swann 	Pathetic slag. Has the abortion clinic on speed-dial. Everyone hates her so much, they decided to wait until she was just about to walk down the aisle before they told her that her husband-to-be had been brutally beaten to death. Had a affair with a fat, middle-aged alcholic who still lives with his mother, don't wanna imagine him ramming her skinny arse.
Archie Mitchell 	Ronnie and Roxy's dad. Lived in a mansion on the coast, but decided to move into a overcrowded east London pub. As you do. Possibly the meanest, nastiest bastard Walford's ever seen... and that's saying something. When he wasn't wrecking peoples lives, he likes to rape puppies, skin kittens and defile virgins, his personal favourite being his own daughter. Feeling sick? The toilet's that way. Used to watch 'You've Been Framed!' just so he could see children trip over and cry. Eventually met his timely end when he was flattened with a bust of Queen Victoria. We are very much amused.
Ben "Milkybar Kid" Mitchell 	Resembled a little Harry Potter shit stain before he got contact lenses. Acts like a stroppy 4 year old, likes Broadway musicals and tap dancing, and was so annoying as a child that even his dad once beat the crap out of him. This being said, somehow the little sod managed to put a kid in hospital after smacking him across the helmet with a spanner. Was victimised by Lord Voldemort's meaner cousin, Stella Crawford. His pastime is dancing and singing along to Girls Aloud songs on his coffee table. Went to jail for months and was naturally placed with the most violent prisoner there. Came back 'with an attitude' and has now started the new hobby of killing people or making their lives a misery.
Sharon "Miss Piggy" Watts 	Bears a striking resemblance to Miss Piggy from The Muppets. Has came back and left countless times, and shagged Jack Branning on the same day of walking out on her fiancé. Glares during every scene.
Billy "No Mates" Mitchell 	Sure, he looks like Sherlock Holmes and he carried the Olympic torch around the Square, but his family hate him, his wife left him and hates him, and his daughter is a downy. Everyone hates him. No one likes him. No one will give him a job (except as one of Santa's elves) and he doesn't seem to know how to close his mouth when he chews. Yet, he still hasn't committed suicide because is really popular amongst people who watch the show due to his general niceness.
Susan Honey "Really-Struggling-To-Think-Of-New-Names" Mitchell	Billy's genius wife. Known for her witty, Oscar Wilde-esque remarks. When asked why people called her Honey, she replied "What is this, the Spanish Armada?" Was supposed to be a comic relief character but after becoming mordibly depressed as a result of her daughter having Down's Syndrome, the producers decided that she was starting to lose her comic value so had her leave for a few years, to later come back to provide more comedic relief to the Square.
Janet Mitchell 	Billy's daughter. Reasoning that their first child deserved a truly noble, august name, one with the femininity of the Faerie Queens of antiquity, the sort of name one would expect the wind to whisper through the trees, Billy and Honey decided to call their daughter Janet. Suffers from Down's Syndrome yet still probably most intelligent person on the sqaure. Is played by a doll in some episodes. This doll's performance has garnered praise from critics who say that it "ignites the screen like it was born there, bringing a truly bombastic performance, reminiscent of a young Jodi Foster to the role of Janet."
Peggy Mitchell
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==See also==
*Poor People
*BBC
*Gordon Brown
*Coronation Street 
*World War One
==External Links==
*Pilot episode - Beast Enders
Category:British television programmes
Category:BBC
Category:London
Category:1980s
Category:British culture
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