Aliens, Leo, his good bud Cage and the Illuminati clusterfuck

"Ehm, Hello? Hello, hello?"
"Is this broken?", talks to the mic while people are confusingly trying to read from his lips.
"I would be a fine kindergarten storyteller". He happily whispered into the mic, with a big grin on his face, not realizing that the button he has just pressed, was the ON button.
"Buuu, loser!", yelled a guy from the crowd, not realizing that a part of the crowd, which was behind him, was actually a well-trained firing squad equipped with AKs and was a kind supporter of the guy talking shit into the mic, not even thereby realizing it. What that ape descendant, unlucky fellow also didn't know, was that he accidentally went straight through the Should-Be-Locked-Back-Door™ of the main Illuminati building which coincidentally just now started it's first meeting after a short break of 421.5 years.
There was a silence.
Suddenly, after what seemed like a never-ending delay, the crowd got shocked by his words. "They aren't the brightest.", thought the ape descendant dumbass, at least he thought that he has thought, which he didn't. He actually said it out loud and clear. 
There was a silence.
Suddenly, after the uncomfortably long delay, people got, once again, shocked by his unkindly words. "Excuse me, but do you know who you are talking to?", said the guy incapable of turning on a mic in a rather nervous and childish voice. "I don't really give a single fuck on who you are.", replied the ape guy. The mic guy then accidentally dropped the mic, then picked it up and while trying to put it back on the microphone stand, it fell again. So he gave the microphone an awkwardly sinister look and just left it on the floor. "Disappointed.", thought the monkey descendant, but everyone got used to his thinking out loud thing. Some speshal ones within the crowd even think that it's a fetish.
And so began the... Well, his rela name is Mike. It would be far easier if we just called him.. like that. Good, Mike it is. So Mike began rapidly making himself through the now bored crowd to... Fuck! Wait... The ape guy was actually called Joland, as he is speshal. Why speshal? Well, because of the fact that he was the majority of the crowd thinking, that the thinking out loud thingy he had could indeed be a fetish.
Now, while Mike was struggling to push away members of the crowd, Joland was thinking of the word pumpkin, as he liked baked pumpkin and as he liked to tell random strangers on the streets; "Hello pumpken", in a flirty way, on which they would look at him weirdly and deep inside, cringe. He also liked pie, but that's a story for another day. Let's now focus on Mike.
While Joland was still thinkin' about pumpkins and pumpkens, Mike was slapping him, trying to get his attention. Which he did, eventually. "Look, guy.", he annoyingly whispered while exhaling for 5.5 seconds. Could you please just say "No." the next time I ask you if you know who we are? It would really help me gain some respect of this hord. I did not choose to lead the Illuminati, they just sent me an e-mail saying, and I quote "gratz lad, you're the new Illuminati guy. meeting tmrw at noon in the big pink buildeng at main stret. cya there lol". "Do you know what a pink building means mate? This is a fucking whore house! Can you believe that??" Mike loudly whispered. So please man, help a brother out. Just say "No". "Fine.", said Joland disappointedly, because his pumkin and pumpken thoughts have been interrupted.
Mike successfully wiggled through the crowd, got on stage, picked up the mic, still giving it a sinister look and spoke. "So today we have come in large numbers to celebrate a new start of our organization! Stranger, do you know who we are?". "Indeed, you're the fucktard who bitch slapped me like 30 times and these other, whatever they are, are your bitches". The crowd still didn't care what that guy said, they considered him being a dumbass. "JUST SAY NO YOU FUCKING LUNATIC!", screamed Mike. "Why?", calmly replied Joland. "PLEASE!", screamed Mike again. "Fine. I no not kno' who you are." yelled Joland, pretending to be dumb, which he was, very much. "THANK YOU! WE ARE THE FUCKING ILLUMINATI!", nervously screamed Mike.
The crowd instantly jumped to their feet and began cheering, applauding, yelling "Illuminati numba one!". Some began crying out of pure joy. The firing squad even started shooting at noon, in a closed environment, in the middle of the town. Their training wasn't very effective as their trainers, who consisted out of junkie military generals, were mostly tripping out by a small lake near the camp. Aliens often abducted them, as everyone will blame the drugs anyway. That's what the aliens thought, until their Earth medical insurance got cancelled, the police found two of them and arrested them. The other two managed to escape via the river with a boat, which they have luckily bought on Amazon the day earlier for $59.97. Unluckily, it was a Chinese plastic boat. Long story short, the boats guarantee didn't last for long and the other worldlings drowned soon after. Police found them floating on each other in a kissing position. It got on the headlines of the "Today's tomorrow" newspapers, and as soon as the Klengonians read that article, it got into their newspapers as well. It was a great scandal on their planet, I've heard. Apparently, that sex pose is forbidden on Klengon.
On just another silly coincidence, the other two aliens managed to escape the police into the Nevada desert. But got stripped naked of their technology due to the police sexually abusing them, the aliens now completely depend on their survival skills, the mood of the desert (some people indeed piss off the desert), and the Nevada Top Secret Alien Escape Operations and Anti-Alien Escape Special Unit™, or shortened NTSAEOAAESU™.
The two rebel aliens soon ran out of water and food, so the only solution that they could think of was to stick their head into the sand, their ass up in the air so that they can better send help signals to their home planet Klengon, through the very inconveniently placed satellite dish, which was placed in their bum, for whatever reason. So one of the two, or to be exact, John, jumped into the air, did a 360*, then continued spinning while doing some weird wudu-jiujitsu water acrobatics and slingshotted himself into the sand with his ass sticking out. The other alien has soon buried himself into the sand to stay warm and John just stayed in the signal-sending position. It's not like they have anything else to do than ass-signaling, so they will just stick to that, until it works. But, little did they know that something important was happening in the desert.
A Russian bus named "Ruski Airlines" was already on the move to the unforgiving desert in the middle of broad daylight. Surprisingly, due to the fact of it being Russian, the quality of the bus is pretty shit. Seats are like wood, with dirty and rusty exterior and interior. Who would pay for a ride like that you might think. Well, there are, surprisngly, many passengers on that bumpy ride. The bus is completely full, all of the 42 seats are taken, the driver is probably drunk and outside are 40*C and due to the bus being russian, the air conditioner is broken. It's a complete clusterfuck. But there is really no customer support, except the drunk guy driving the bus.
You might be thinking to yourself, how did Leonardo DiCaprio and Nicholas Cage end up in such a bus? Well, Leo was going to give a visit to his drinking bud, Santa Claus, on the South Pole. Little did Leo know, that Santa moved to Detroit to pursue his raping career. Unluckily for the Elves, he pretty much left them to starve. But Santa didn't last long in Detroit. He took the name 3Pack and was shot at a drive-by, somewhere around 1996. Why shot? Because some fat dude found out 3Pack's past and realized that it was 3pack who forgot to deliver his Christmas present. But that's a story for another day. So Leo bought a ticket via online booking and the cheapest ride to the South Pole was a Russian bus line. You know how it ends when you book a ticket at an edgy looking website made in the 90s for a russian bus line called "Ruski Airlines". So Leo went to the bus station in the middle of the desert (for some reason there was a train station right next to it), got in an edgy bus and sat at the front next to Elvies Presley because Lebran James payed an extra 1000$ to have his basketball sitting next to him. Leo said: "hello, I feel like I know you from somewhere. have we met before?", but Elvies just continued staring through the window, something must have bothered him. Anyways, soon after, the bus picked up Nicholas Cage who is coincidentally a good friend of Leo, because he often lends money from him. But, he sat at the back next to Britney Spear. Coincidentally, Cage was also visiting the South Pole, Santa owed him 10$, a Coke and 2kg 80% pure cocain as well. Soon after, Cage and Leo got out of the bus, Cage saw Leo, he went to him, they hugged and continued by foot.
They walked and walked and walked for hours and hours to come, until, there was suddenly an ass sticking out the ground in front of them. Cage looked at Leo, and with a suggestive grin on his face, said: "Leo, should we fuck him?". Both of them got into a moral dilema. So they began writing down the pros and cons, when suddenly, another alien jumped out of the sand. "PEEKABOO MOTHERFUCKER, YOU AIN'T FUCKIN NO ONE TODAY", yelled the alien. They stood in shock. But, coincidentally, the alien that just jumped out owed Leo 5 Klengillion Klengons, which would be aproximately 4.764 bucks, here on Earth. Cage meanwhile yelled: "That's totally awesome dude, I didn't know aliens even exist!". Coincidentally, that sentence was forbidden on Klengon, due to it being considered gay. "When will you give me back my money?", said Leo with a reddish face. "I'm really sorry man, you know, a hooker here, a hooker there and you forget". "You know what?", said Leo with a calmer assuring voice. "What?", casually replied the alien. "I don't give a fuck anymore, I got bigger problems than your kabillions bazillions whatever. I needed Santa to give me the coordinates of the Illumenati meeting, but I bought the wrong ticket". On another crazy coincidence, Nicholas Cage was a VIP member of the Illuminati. He had a seat in the front and all that shit. But he had to pay a monthly subscription of $2.99. "YO!", screamed Cage, blissing with knowledge. "I know where the Illuminati meeting is, it's just round around the corner, behind the pyramide. Wanna go fam?". They left the aliens to starve and casually walked to the official Illumenati building. They had to sneak in from the back, because Cage, fucking again, left his member card at his toilette at home, while taking a quick dump. "YO, YO, YEAH, COMIN STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGOUND.", yelled Cage while taking his seat. "ENGLAND IS MY CITY", he randomly yelled again. "Can you stop?", yelled Leo in a whisperly voice, while his face was getting, once again, red. "Fine.", said Cage disappointedly. 
"Hey, Leo, Leo?", "WHAT?", replied the already annoyed and nervous Leo. On coincidence, there was an alcholic beverage under Leo's green, plastic chair. "Leo, could you give me a sip of that coincidental drink under your chair?". Leo then looked under his chair, got surprised, took a few sips, then a few more sips again and passed it to Cage. "Fuck yeah this cucumber vodka is goed". Mike's speech was so boring that after just half an hour, the bottle was already empty.
"Cage?", whispered Leo. "Sup?", drunkly replied Cage. "Let's burn this burn this place down MAN". "Yeeee", loudly replied Cage. Under Cage's uncomfortably green plastic chair, there was, on coincidence, a full can of oil with a lighter. "LOOOK WHAT I'VE FOUND LEO CAPreO". "What, what is it?? -Yeeeeee", said Leo excintingly. "Yeeeeeeeeeee", awkwardly replied Cage.
While they were spreading oil all over the place, Mike, again, dropped his mic and it rolled down off the stage. While going to get his mic, first he started diagonally walking left forward, after which his left side of the brain commanded going right and the right side commanded going left. This unconsciously confused Mike and his path resulted in a weird snakely wiggle. The crowd got buffled. Why? I'm not sure either. But there are, indeed, conspiracies. One of the conspiracies is that what happened at the stage was a disagreement or charlantly said, a fight between the left side and the right side of the brain. Why? Well, the conspiracy also says that the left side of his brain considered 0.5 a 0, and the right side 0.5 to be 1. But, Mike managed to get down and successfuly recover his mic and while going up the stairs, he noticed Leo and Cage laughing their ass off while the place was bursting in flames, at the main entrance while locking down the door with the key, which Mike has coincidentally left in the door lock of the main Illuminati building.
Category:Satire
Category:TRUE STORY
Category:Stupid is as the main character does
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:Trollpasta