TheMightyMonarch

I've been feeling really shitty lately.
Recently, I have come to the conclusion that my extremely small family is seriously co dependent on one another. While they're not bad people, they enable each other's bullshit a lot and therefore, it's not a fun environment to grow up in. There's my mom, who had me in her early 20s and was so hung on up her daddy issues and how crappy her parents' marriage was that she decided to never pursue relationships and the only reason that I exist is because she had a one night stand with some alcoholic more than a decade older than her. Her sister (my aunt) is pretty much the same except without a kid and seeming well more adjusted. Both of them still lived with their mom (my grandma) until their early 30s when they decided to move around a bit. A couple of years later, my grandma dies of lung cancer. My grandma also had an identical twin sister, who since my grandma's death, calls my mom and aunt literally every single day just to ramble on about the most inane bullshit. My mom and aunt talk so much shit about her to the point where I'm starting to realize that they don't really like her as a person. But they don't really object to her calling them everyday, which I always thought was pretty excessive.
My mom and aunt are good people and I know they want what's best for me. But honestly, I don't think they were really good parents. As a child, I felt really self conscious about growing up without a dad and whenever I would ask my mom about him, she would dodge the subject. While she may have legitimately good reasons to keep my biological father out of my life, I feel like she did it for her own selfish reasons. Or maybe she thought she thought she was doing the right thing, when in reality, it fucked up her kid a lot. I feel like I was raised with this "Only trust a few selected people" mentality. Both my mom and aunt only have a few friends each and seem to distrust people quite a lot (especially men. Gee I wonder why?). Both of them can get pretty childish when they're mad but whenever I get into an argument with one of them, the other would typically back them up, even if they were in the wrong. They also have a hard time admitting their faults. Like their decision to keep me off meds as a teenager despite the fact that clearly something was wrong with me. Hell, when I was 13/14, my aunt would even tell me that I couldn't be depressed because I laughed sometimes with my friends. I'll admit that they have come a long way in regards to my mental health but I think I have a better chance of winning a million dollars tomorrow than them ever admitting that they used to be total insensitive assholes in regards to that issue. I was talking to my best friend about my family drama last night and she theorized that my social anxiety may of come from their parenting. While I always attributed it to asshole teachers and bullies, I realized that she may be onto something. One thing is for sure though is that because of my SA, I definitely become very co dependent onto them and it has become very unhealthy.
I love my family and everything that they have done for me but honestly, I'm so done with their bullshit. I don't want to be like any of them. I wanna be my own person. The good news is that I'll be moving out in a month on my own and I can finally start to grow as a person.
 
Category:Fag