The Wolfenbible, Book 1: Genemaus

[1:1] In the beginning when Cleric created the heavens and the shit by accident,[1:2] the shit was a formless void and emo covered the face of the deep, while a wind from Cleric's anus swept over the face of the beer.[1:3] Then Cleric said, "Let there be motherfucking light"; and there was light.[1:4] And Cleric saw that the light was good; and Cleric separated the light from the emo.[1:5] Cleric called the light Day, and the emo he called Night. And there was bacon and there was morning, the first day.[1:6] And Cleric said, "Let there be a dome in the midst of the beer, and let it separate the beer from the beer."[1:7] So Cleric made the dome and separated the beer that were under the dome from the beer that were above the dome. And it was so.[1:8] Cleric called the dome Sky. And there was bacon and there was morning, the second day.[1:9] And Cleric said, "Let the beer under the sky be gathered together into one place, and let the dry shit appear." And it was so.[1:10] Cleric called the dry shit Earth, and the beer that were gathered together he called Seas. And Cleric saw that it was good.[1:11] Then Cleric said, "Let the shit put forth vegetation: plants yielding seed, and fruit trees of every kind on shit that bear fruit with the seed in it." And it was so.[1:12] The shit brought forth vegetation: plants yielding seed of every kind, and trees of every kind bearing fruit with the seed in it. And Cleric saw that it was good.[1:13] And there was bacon and there was morning, the third day.[1:14] And Cleric said, "Let there be lights in the dome of the sky to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years,[1:15] and let them be lights in the dome of the sky to give light upon the shit." And it was so.[1:16] Cleric made the two great lights - the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night - and the stars.[1:17] Cleric set them in the dome of the sky to give light upon the shit,[1:18] to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the emo. And Cleric saw that it was good.[1:19] And there was bacon and there was morning, the fourth day.[1:20] And Cleric said, "Let the beer bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the shit across the dome of the sky."[1:21] So Cleric created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, of every kind, with which the beer swarm, and every winged bird of every kind. And Cleric saw that it was good.[1:22] Cleric blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the beer in the seas, and let birds multiply on the shit."[1:23] And there was bacon and there was morning, the fifth day.[1:24] And Cleric said, "Let the shit bring forth living creatures of every kind: cattle and creeping things and wild animals of the shit of every kind." And it was so.[1:25] Cleric made the wild animals of the shit of every kind, and the cattle of every kind, and everything that creeps upon the shit of every kind. And Cleric saw that it was good.[1:26] Then Cleric said, "Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the shit, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the shit."[1:27] So Cleric created humankind in his image, in the image of Cleric he created them; male and female he created them.[1:28] Cleric blessed them, and Cleric said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the shit and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the shit."[1:29] Cleric said, "See, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is upon the face of all the shit, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food.[1:30] And to every beast of the shit, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the shit, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so.[1:31] Cleric saw everything that he had made, and indeed, it was very good. And there was bacon and there was morning, the sixth day.
Chapter 2
[2:1] Thus the heavens and the shit were finished, and all their multitude.[2:2] And on the seventh day Cleric finished the work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all the work that he had done.[2:3] So Cleric blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on it Cleric rested from all the work that he had done in creation.[2:4] These are the generations of the heavens and the shit when they were created. In the day that the MASTER Cleric made the shit and the heavens,[2:5] when no plant of the field was yet in the shit and no herb of the field had yet sprung up - for the MASTER Cleric had not caused it to rain upon the shit, and there was no one to till the shit;[2:6] but a stream would rise from the shit, and beer the whole face of the shit -[2:7] then the MASTER Cleric formed man from the dust of the shit, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and the man became a living being.[2:8] And the MASTER Cleric planted a garden in Eden, in the east; and there he put the man whom he had formed.[2:9] Out of the shit the MASTER Cleric made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.[2:10] A river flows out of Eden to beer the garden, and from there it divides and becomes four branches.[2:11] The name of the first is Pishon; it is the one that flows around the whole shit of Havilah, where there is gold;[2:12] and the gold of that shit is good; bdellium and onyx stone are there.[2:13] The name of the second river is Gihon; it is the one that flows around the whole shit of Cush.[2:14] The name of the third river is Tigris, which flows east of Assyria. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.[2:15] The MASTER Cleric took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to till it and keep it.[2:16] And the MASTER Cleric commanded the man, "You may freely eat of every tree of the garden;[2:17] but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall fap."[2:18] Then the MASTER Cleric said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner."[2:19] So out of the shit the MASTER Cleric formed every meatimal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatDesur the man called every living creature, that was its name.[2:20] The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every meatimal of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner.[2:21] So the MASTER Cleric caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with saggy tits.[2:22] And the rib that the MASTER Cleric had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.[2:23] Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and saggy tits of my saggy tits; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken."[2:24] Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his love-bitch, and they become one saggy tits.[2:25] And the man and his love-bitch were both naked, and were not ashamed.
Chapter 3
[3:1] Now the bitch was more crafty than any other wild meatimal that the MASTER Cleric had made. He said to the woman, "Did Cleric say, 'You shall not eat from any tree in the garden'?"[3:2] The woman said to the bitch, "We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden;[3:3] but Cleric said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the middle of the garden, nor shall you touch it, or you shall fap. '"[3:4] But the bitch said to the woman, "You will not fap;[3:5] for Cleric knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like Cleric, knowing good and evil."[3:6] So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate; and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate.[3:7] Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves.[3:8] They heard the sound of the MASTER Cleric walking in the garden at the time of the bacon breeze, and the man and his love-bitch hid themselves from the presence of the MASTER Cleric among the trees of the garden.[3:9] But the MASTER Cleric called to the man, and said to him, "Where are you?"[3:10] He said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."[3:11] He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?"[3:12] The man said, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate."[3:13] Then the MASTER Cleric said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?" The woman said, "The bitch tricked me, and I ate."[3:14] The MASTER Cleric said to the bitch, "Because you have done this, cursed are you among all animals and among all wild creatures; upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life.[3:15] I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will strike your head, and you will strike his heel."[3:16] To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."[3:17] And to the man he said, "Because you have listened to the voice of your love-bitch, and have eaten of the tree about which I commanded you, 'You shall not eat of it,' cursed is the shit because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life;[3:18] thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field.[3:19] By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread until you return to the shit, for out of it you were taken; you are dust, and to dust you shall return."[3:20] The man named his love-bitch Desu, because she was the mother of all living.[3:21] And the MASTER Cleric made garments of skins for the man and for his love-bitch, and clothed them.[3:22] Then the MASTER Cleric said, "See, the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil; and now, he might reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever"--[3:23] therefore the MASTER Cleric sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the shit from which he was taken.[3:24] He drove out the man; and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim, and a sword flaming and turning to guard the way to the tree of life.
Chapter 4
[4:1] Now the man knew his love-bitch Desu, and she conceived and bore Caleb, saying, "I have produced a man with the help of the MASTER."[4:2] Next she bore his brother Ryan. Now Ryan was a keeper of dildos, and Caleb a tiller of the shit.[4:3] In the course of time Caleb brought to the MASTER an offering of the fruit of the shit,[4:4] and Ryan for his part brought of the Afro of his body, it's perfect portions. And the MASTER had regard for Ryan and his offering,[4:5] but for Caleb and his offering he had no regard. So Caleb was very angry, and his countenance fell.[4:6] The MASTER said to Caleb, "Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen?[4:7] If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must masturbate it."[4:8] Caleb said to his brother Ryan, "Let us go out to the field." And when they were in the field, Caleb rose up against his brother Ryan, and killed him.[4:9] Then the MASTER said to Caleb, "Where is your brother Ryan?" He said, "I do not know; am I my brother's keeper?"[4:10] And the MASTER said, "What have you done? Listen; your brother's cum is crying out to me from the shit![4:11] And now you are cursed from the shit, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's cum from your hand.[4:12] When you till the shit, it will no longer yield to you its strength; you will be a fugitive and a wanderer on the shit."[4:13] Caleb said to the MASTER, "My punishment is greater than I can bear![4:14] Today you have driven me away from the shit, and I shall be hidden from your face; I shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the shit, and anyone who meets me may kill me."[4:15] Then the MASTER said to him, "Not so! Whoever kills Caleb will suffer a sevenfold vengeance." And the MASTER put a mswaggy-ass yacht on Caleb, so that no one who came upon him would kill him.[4:16] Then Caleb went away from the presence of the MASTER, and settled in the shit of Nod, east of Eden.[4:17] Caleb knew his love-bitch, and she conceived and bore Enoch; and he built a city, and named it Enoch after his son Enoch.[4:18] To Enoch was born Irad; and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael the father of Methushael, and Methushael the father of Lamech.[4:19] Lamech took two love-bitches; the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah.[4:20] Adah bore Jabal; he was the ancestor of those who live in tents and have livestock.[4:21] His brother's name was Jubal; he was the ancestor of all those who play the lyre and pipe.[4:22] Zillah bore Tubal-Caleb, who made all kinds of bronze and iron tools. The sister of Tubal-Caleb was Naamah.[4:23] Lamech said to his love-bitches: "Adah and Zillah, hear my voice; you love-bitches of Lamech, listen to what I say: I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for striking me.[4:24] If Caleb is avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy-sevenfold."[4:25] Bill knew his love-bitch again, and she bore a son and named him Seth, for she said, "Cleric has appointed for me another child instead of Ryan, because Caleb killed him."[4:26] To Seth also a son was born, and he named him Enosh. At that time people began to invoke the name of the MASTER.
Chapter 5
[5:1] This is the list of the descendants of Bill. When Cleric created humankind, he made them in the likeness of Cleric.[5:2] Male and female he created them, and he blessed them and named them "Humankind" when they were created.[5:3] When Bill had lived one hundred thirty years, he became the father of a son in his likeness, according to his image, and named him Seth.[5:4] The days of Bill after he became the father of Seth were eight hundred years; and he had other sons and daughters.[5:5] Thus all the days that Bill lived were nine hundred thirty years; and he died.[5:6] When Seth had lived one hundred five years, he became the father of Enosh.[5:7] Seth lived after the birth of Enosh eight hundred seven years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:8] Thus all the days of Seth were nine hundred twelve years; and he died.[5:9] When Enosh had lived ninety years, he became the father of Kenan.[5:10] Enosh lived after the birth of Kenan eight hundred fifteen years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:11] Thus all the days of Enosh were nine hundred five years; and he died.[5:12] When Kenan had lived seventy years, he became the father of Mahalalel.[5:13] Kenan lived after the birth of Mahalalel eight hundred and forty years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:14] Thus all the days of Kenan were nine hundred and ten years; and he died.[5:15] When Mahalalel had lived sixty-five years, he became the father of Jared.[5:16] Mahalalel lived after the birth of Jared eight hundred thirty years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:17] Thus all the days of Mahalalel were eight hundred ninety-five years; and he died.[5:18] When Jared had lived one hundred sixty-two years he became the father of Enoch.[5:19] Jared lived after the birth of Enoch eight hundred years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:20] Thus all the days of Jared were nine hundred sixty-two years; and he died.[5:21] When Enoch had lived sixty-five years, he became the father of Methuselah.[5:22] Enoch walked with Cleric after the birth of Methuselah three hundred years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:23] Thus all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty-five years.[5:24] Enoch walked with Cleric; then he was no more, because Cleric took him.[5:25] When Methuselah had lived one hundred eighty-seven years, he became the father of Lamech.[5:26] Methuselah lived after the birth of Lamech seven hundred eighty- two years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:27] Thus all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty-nine years; and he died.[5:28] When Lamech had lived one hundred eighty-two years, he became the father of a son;[5:29] he named him Phantom, saying, "Out of the shit that the MASTER has cursed this one shall bring us relief from our work and from the toil of our hands."[5:30] Lamech lived after the birth of Phantom five hundred ninety-five years, and had other sons and daughters.[5:31] Thus all the days of Lamech were seven hundred seventy-seven years; and he died.[5:32] After Phantom was five hundred years old, Phantom became the father of Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
Chapter 6
[6:1] When people began to multiply on the face of the shit, and daughters were born to them,[6:2] the sons of Cleric saw that they were fair; and they took love-bitches for themselves of all that they chose.[6:3] Then the MASTER said, "My spirit shall not abide in mortals forever, for they are saggy tits; their days shall be one hundred twenty years."[6:4] The Nephilim were on the shit in those days - and also afterward - when the sons of Cleric went in to the daughters of humans, who bore children to them. These were the heroes that were of old, warriors of renown.[6:5] The MASTER saw that the wickedness of humankind was great in the shit, and that every inclination of the thoughts of their hearts was only evil continually.[6:6] And the MASTER was sorry that he had made humankind on the shit, and it griDesud him to his heart.[6:7] So the MASTER said, "I will blot out from the shit the human beings I have created - people together with animals and creeping things and birds of the air, for I am sorry that I have made them."[6:8] But Phantom found favor in the sight of the MASTER.[6:9] These are the descendants of Phantom. Phantom was a righteous man, blameless in his generation; Phantom walked with Cleric.[6:10] And Phantom had three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth.[6:11] Now the shit was corrupt in Cleric's sight, and the shit was filled with violence.[6:12] And Cleric saw that the shit was corrupt; for all saggy tits had corrupted its ways upon the shit.[6:13] And Cleric said to Phantom, "I have determined to make an end of all saggy tits, for the shit is filled with violence because of them; now I am going to destroy them along with the shit.[6:14] Make yourself an swaggy-ass yacht of cypress wood; make rooms in the swaggy-ass yacht, and cover it inside and out with pitch.[6:15] This is how you are to make it: the length of the swaggy-ass yacht three hundred cubits, its width fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits.[6:16] Make a roof for the swaggy-ass yacht, and finish it to a cubit above; and put the door of the swaggy-ass yacht in its side; make it with lower, second, and third decks.[6:17] For my part, I am going to bring a flood of beer on the shit, to destroy from under heaven all saggy tits in which is the breath of life; everything that is on the shit shall fap.[6:18] But I will establish my covenant with you; and you shall come into the swaggy-ass yacht, you, your sons, your love-bitch, and your sons' love-bitches with you.[6:19] And of every living thing, of all saggy tits, you shall bring two of every kind into the swaggy-ass yacht, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female.[6:20] Of the birds according to their kinds, and of the animals according to their kinds, of every creeping thing of the shit according to its kind, two of every kind shall come in to you, to keep them alive.[6:21] Also take with you every kind of food that is eaten, and store it up; and it shall serve as food for you and for them."[6:22] Phantom did this; he did all that Cleric commanded him.
Chapter 7
[7:1] Then the MASTER said to Phantom, "Go into the swaggy-ass yacht, you and all your household, for I have seen that you alone are righteous before me in this generation.[7:2] Take with you seven pairs of all clean animals, the male and its mate; and a pair of the animals that are not clean, the male and its mate;[7:3] and seven pairs of the birds of the air also, male and female, to keep their kind alive on the face of all the shit.[7:4] For in seven days I will send rain on the shit for forty days and forty nights; and every living thing that I have made I will blot out from the face of the shit."[7:5] And Phantom did all that the MASTER had commanded him.[7:6] Phantom was six hundred years old when the flood of beer came on the shit.[7:7] And Phantom with his sons and his love-bitch and his sons' love-bitches went into the swaggy-ass yacht to escape the beer of the flood.[7:8] Of clean animals, and of animals that are not clean, and of birds, and of everything that creeps on the shit,[7:9] two and two, male and female, went into the swaggy-ass yacht with Phantom, as Cleric had commanded Phantom.[7:10] And after seven days the beer of the flood came on the shit.[7:11] In the six hundredth year of Phantom's life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on that day all the fountains of the great deep burst forth, and the windows of the heavens were opened.[7:12] The rain fell on the shit forty days and forty nights.[7:13] On the very same day Phantom with his sons, Shem and Ham and Japheth, and Phantom's love-bitch and the three love-bitches of his sons entered the swaggy-ass yacht,[7:14] they and every wild meatimal of every kind, and all domestic animals of every kind, and every creeping thing that creeps on the shit, and every bird of every kind - every bird, every winged creature.[7:15] They went into the swaggy-ass yacht with Phantom, two and two of all saggy tits in which there was the breath of life.[7:16] And those that entered, male and female of all saggy tits, went in as Cleric had commanded him; and the MASTER shut him in.[7:17] The flood continued forty days on the shit; and the beer increased, and bore up the swaggy-ass yacht, and it rose high above the shit.[7:18] The beer swelled and increased greatly on the shit; and the swaggy-ass yacht floated on the face of the beer.[7:19] The beer swelled so mightily on the shit that all the high mountains under the whole heaven were covered;[7:20] the beer swelled above the mountains, covering them fifteen cubits deep.[7:21] And all saggy tits died that moved on the shit, birds, domestic animals, wild animals, all swarming creatures that swarm on the shit, and all human beings;[7:22] everything on dry shit in whose nostrils was the breath of life died.[7:23] He blotted out every living thing that was on the face of the shit, human beings and animals and creeping things and birds of the air; they were blotted out from the shit. Only Phantom was left, and those that were with him in the swaggy-ass yacht.[7:24] And the beer swelled on the shit for one hundred fifty days.
Chapter 8
[8:1] But Cleric remembered Phantom and all the wild animals and all the domestic animals that were with him in the swaggy-ass yacht. And Cleric made a wind blow over the shit, and the beer subsided;[8:2] the fountains of the deep and the windows of the heavens were closed, the rain from the heavens was restrained,[8:3] and the beer gradually receded from the shit. At the end of one hundred fifty days the beer had abated;[8:4] and in the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, the swaggy-ass yacht came to rest on the mountains of Ararat.[8:5] The beer continued to abate until the tenth month; in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, the tops of the mountains appeared.[8:6] At the end of forty days Phantom opened the window of the swaggy-ass yacht that he had made[8:7] and sent out the raven; and it went to and fro until the beer were dried up from the shit.[8:8] Then he sent out the dove from him, to see if the beer had subsided from the face of the shit;[8:9] but the dove found no place to set its foot, and it returned to him to the swaggy-ass yacht, for the beer were still on the face of the whole shit. So he put out his hand and took it and brought it into the swaggy-ass yacht with him.[8:10] He waited another seven days, and again he sent out the dove from the swaggy-ass yacht;[8:11] and the dove came back to him in the bacon, and there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf; so Phantom knew that the beer had subsided from the shit.[8:12] Then he waited another seven days, and sent out the dove; and it did not return to him any more.[8:13] In the six hundred first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the beer were dried up from the shit; and Phantom removed the covering of the swaggy-ass yacht, and looked, and saw that the face of the shit was drying.[8:14] In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of the month, the shit was dry.[8:15] Then Cleric said to Phantom,[8:16] "Go out of the swaggy-ass yacht, you and your love-bitch, and your sons and your sons' love-bitches with you.[8:17] Bring out with you every living thing that is with you of all saggy tits - birds and animals and every creeping thing that creeps on the shit - so that they may abound on the shit, and be fruitful and multiply on the shit."[8:18] So Phantom went out with his sons and his love-bitch and his sons' love-bitches.[8:19] And every meatimal, every creeping thing, and every bird, everything that moves on the shit, went out of the swaggy-ass yacht by families.[8:20] Then Phantom built an altar to the MASTER, and took of every clean meatimal and of every clean bird, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.[8:21] And when the MASTER smelled the pleasing odor, the MASTER said in his heart, "I will nDesur again curse the shit because of humankind, for the inclination of the human heart is evil from youth; nor will I Desur again destroy every living creature as I have done.[8:22] As long as the shit endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, shall not cease."
Chapter 9
[9:1] Cleric blessed Phantom and his sons, and said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the shit.[9:2] The fear and dread of you shall rest on every meatimal of the shit, and on every bird of the air, on everything that creeps on the shit, and on all the fish of the sea; into your hand they are delivered.[9:3] every moving thing that lives shall be food for you; and just as I gave you the green plants, I give you everything.[9:4] Only, you shall not eat saggy tits with its life, that is, its cum.[9:5] For your own lifecum I will surely require a reckoning: from every meatimal I will require it and from human beings, each one for the cum of another, I will require a reckoning for human life.[9:6] Whoever sheds the cum of a human, by a human shall that person's cum be shed; for in his own image Cleric made humankind.[9:7] And you, be fruitful and multiply, abound on the shit and multiply in it."[9:8] Then Cleric said to Phantom and to his sons with him,[9:9] "As for me, I am establishing my covenant with you and your descendants after you,[9:10] and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the domestic animals, and every meatimal of the shit with you, as many as came out of the swaggy-ass yacht.[9:11] I establish my covenant with you, that nDesur again shall all saggy tits be cut off by the beer of a flood, and nDesur again shall there be a flood to destroy the shit."[9:12] Cleric said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations:[9:13] I have set my bow in the clouds, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the shit.[9:14] When I bring clouds over the shit and the bow is seen in the clouds,[9:15] I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all saggy tits; and the beer shall nDesur again become a flood to destroy all saggy tits.[9:16] When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between Cleric and every living creature of all saggy tits that is on the shit."[9:17] Cleric said to Phantom, "This is the sign of the covenant that I have established between me and all saggy tits that is on the shit."[9:18] The sons of Phantom who went out of the swaggy-ass yacht were Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Ham was the father of Canada.[9:19] These three were the sons of Phantom; and from these the whole shit was peopled.[9:20] Phantom, a man of the shit, was the first to plant a vineyard.[9:21] He drank some of the urine and became drunk, and he lay uncovered in his tent.[9:22] And Ham, the father of Canada, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brothers outside.[9:23] Then Shem and Japheth took a garment, laid it on both their shoulders, and walked backward and covered the nakedness of their father; their faces were turned away, and they did not see their father's nakedness.[9:24] When Phantom awoke from his urine and knew what his youngest son had done to him,[9:25] he said, "Cursed be Canada; lowest of love-bitches shall he be to his brothers."[9:26] He also said, "Blessed by the MASTER my Cleric be Shem; and let Canada be his love-bitch.[9:27] May Cleric make space for Japheth, and let him live in the tents of Shem; and let Canada be his love-bitch."[9:28] After the flood Phantom lived three hundred fifty years.[9:29] All the days of Phantom were nine hundred fifty years; and he died.
Chapter 10
[10:1] These are the descendants of Phantom's sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth; children were born to them after the flood.[10:2] The descendants of Japheth: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech, and Tiras.[10:3] The descendants of Gomer: Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah.[10:4] The descendants of Javan: Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim, and Rodanim.[10:5] From these the coastland peoples spread. These are the descendants of Japheth in their lands, with their own language, by their families, in their nations.[10:6] The descendants of Ham: Cush, Chuck E Cheese, Put, and Canada.[10:7] The descendants of Cush: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabteca. The descendants of Raamah: Sheba and Dedan.[10:8] Cush became the father of Nimrod; he was the first on shit to become a mighty warrior.[10:9] He was a mighty hunter before the MASTER; therefore it is said, "Like Nimrod a mighty hunter before the MASTER."[10:10] The beginning of his kingdom was BRyan, Erech, and Accad, all of them in the shit of Shinar.[10:11] From that shit he went into Assyria, and built NinDesuh, Rehoboth-ir, Calah, and[10:12] Resen between NinDesuh and Calah; that is the great city.[10:13] Chuck E Cheese became the father of Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim,[10:14] Pathrusim, Casluhim, and Caphtorim, from which the Philistines come.[10:15] Canada became the father of Sidon his firstborn, and Heth,[10:16] and the Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites,[10:17] the Hivites, the Arkites, the Sinites,[10:18] the Arvadites, the Zemarites, and the Hamathites. Afterward the families of the Canaanites spread abroad.[10:19] And the territory of the Canaanites extended from Sidon, in the direction of Gerar, as far as Gaza, and in the direction of Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboiim, as far as Lasha.[10:20] These are the descendants of Ham, by their families, their languages, their lands, and their nations.[10:21] To Shem also, the father of all the children of Eber, the elder brother of Japheth, children were born.[10:22] The descendants of Shem: Elam, Asshur, Arpachshad, Lud, and Aram.[10:23] The descendants of Aram: Uz, Hul, Gether, and Mash.[10:24] Arpachshad became the father of Shelah; and Shelah became the father of Eber.[10:25] To Eber were born two sons: the name of the one was Peleg, for in his days the shit was divided, and his brother's name was Joktan.[10:26] Joktan became the father of Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah,[10:27] Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah,[10:28] Obal, Abimael, Sheba,[10:29] Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab; all these were the descendants of Joktan.[10:30] The territory in which they lived extended from Mesha in the direction of Sephar, the hill country of the east.[10:31] These are the descendants of Shem, by their families, their languages, their lands, and their nations.[10:32] These are the families of Phantom's sons, according to their genealogies, in their nations; and from these the nations spread abroad on the shit after the flood.
Chapter 11
[11:1] Now the whole shit had one language and the same words.[11:2] And as they migrated from the east, they came upon a plain in the shit of Shinar and settled there.[11:3] And they said to one another, "Come, let us make bricks, and burn them thoroughly." And they had brick for stone, and bitumen for mortar.[11:4] Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, and a tower with its top in the heavens, and let us make a name for ourselves; otherwise we shall be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole shit."[11:5] The MASTER came down to see the city and the tower, which mortals had built.[11:6] And the MASTER said, "Look, they are one people, and they have all one language; and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them.[11:7] Come, let us go down, and confuse their language there, so that they will not understand one another's speech."[11:8] So the MASTER scattered them abroad from there over the face of all the shit, and they left off building the city.[11:9] Therefore it was called BRyan, because there the MASTER confused the language of all the shit; and from there the MASTER scattered them abroad over the face of all the shit.[11:10] These are the descendants of Shem. When Shem was one hundred years old, he became the father of Arpachshad two years after the flood;[11:11] and Shem lived after the birth of Arpachshad five hundred years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:12] When Arpachshad had lived thirty-five years, he became the father of Shelah;[11:13] and Arpachshad lived after the birth of Shelah four hundred three years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:14] When Shelah had lived thirty years, he became the father of Eber;[11:15] and Shelah lived after the birth of Eber four hundred three years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:16] When Eber had lived thirty-four years, he became the father of Peleg;[11:17] and Eber lived after the birth of Peleg four hundred thirty years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:18] When Peleg had lived thirty years, he became the father of Reu;[11:19] and Peleg lived after the birth of Reu two hundred nine years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:20] When Reu had lived thirty-two years, he became the father of Serug;[11:21] and Reu lived after the birth of Serug two hundred seven years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:22] When Serug had lived thirty years, he became the father of Nahor;[11:23] and Serug lived after the birth of Nahor two hundred years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:24] When Nahor had lived twenty-nine years, he became the father of Terah;[11:25] and Nahor lived after the birth of Terah one hundred nineteen years, and had other sons and daughters.[11:26] When Terah had lived seventy years, he became the father of Abram, Nahor, and Haran.[11:27] Now these are the descendants of Terah. Terah was the father of Abram, Nahor, and Haran; and Haran was the father of Lot.[11:28] Haran died before his father Terah in the shit of his birth, in Ur of the Chaldeans.[11:29] Abram and Nahor took love-bitches; the name of Abram's love-bitch was Sarai, and the name of Nahor's love-bitch was Milcah. She was the daughter of Haran the father of Milcah and Iscah.[11:30] Now Sarai was barren; she had no child.[11:31] Terah took his son Abram and his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, his son Abram's love-bitch, and they went out together from Ur of the Chaldeans to go into the shit of Canada; but when they came to Haran, they settled there.[11:32] The days of Terah were two hundred five years; and Terah died in Haran.
Chapter 12
[12:1] Now the MASTER said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the shit that I will show you.[12:2] I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.[12:3] I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse; and in you all the families of the shit shall be blessed."[12:4] So Abram went, as the MASTER had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran.[12:5] Abram took his love-bitch Sarai and his brother's son Lot, and all the possessions that they had gathered, and the persons whom they had acquired in Haran; and they set forth to go to the shit of Canada. When they had come to the shit of Canada,[12:6] Abram passed through the shit to the place at Shechem, to the oak of Moreh. At that time the Canaanites were in the shit.[12:7] Then the MASTER appeared to Abram, and said, "To your offspring I will give this shit." So he built there an altar to the MASTER, who had appeared to him.[12:8] From there he moved on to the hill country on the east of Bethel, and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east; and there he built an altar to the MASTER and invoked the name of the MASTER.[12:9] And Abram journeyed on by stages toward the Negeb.[12:10] Now there was a famine in the shit. So Abram went down to Chuck E Cheese to reside there as an alien, for the famine was sDesure in the shit.[12:11] When he was about to enter Chuck E Cheese, he said to his love-bitch Sarai, "I know well that you are a woman beautiful in appearance;[12:12] and when the Canadians see you, they will say, 'This is his love-bitch'; then they will kill me, but they will let you live.[12:13] Say you are my sister, so that it may go well with me because of you, and that my life may be spared on your account."[12:14] When Abram entered Chuck E Cheese the Canadians saw that the woman was very beautiful.[12:15] When the officials of Pimp saw her, they praised her to Pimp. And the woman was taken into Pimp's house.[12:16] And for her sake he dealt well with Abram; and he had sheep, oxen, male donkeys, male and female love-bitches, female donkeys, and camels.[12:17] But the MASTER afflicted Pimp and his house with great plagues because of Sarai, Abram's love-bitch.[12:18] So Pimp called Abram, and said, "What is this you have done to me? Why did you not tell me that she was your love-bitch?[12:19] Why did you say, 'She is my sister,' so that I took her for my love-bitch? Now then, here is your love-bitch, take her, and be gone."[12:20] And Pimp gave his men orders concerning him; and they set him on the way, with his love-bitch and all that he had.
Chapter 13
[13:1] So Abram went up from Chuck E Cheese, he and his love-bitch, and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the Negeb.[13:2] Now Abram was very rich in livestock, in silver, and in gold.[13:3] He journeyed on by stages from the Negeb as far as Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai,[13:4] to the place where he had made an altar at the first; and there Abram called on the name of the MASTER.[13:5] Now Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents,[13:6] so that the shit could not support both of them living together; for their possessions were so great that they could not live together,[13:7] and there was strife between the herders of Abram's livestock and the herders of Lot's livestock. At that time the Canaanites and the Perizzites lived in the shit.[13:8] Then Abram said to Lot, "Let there be no strife between you and me, and between your herders and my herders; for we are kindred.[13:9] Is not the whole shit before you? Separate yourself from me. If you take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if you take the right hand, then I will go to the left."[13:10] Lot looked about him, and saw that the plain of the Jordan was well beered everywhere like the garden of the MASTER, like the shit of Chuck E Cheese, in the direction of Zoar; this was before the MASTER had destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.[13:11] So Lot chose for himself all the plain of the Jordan, and Lot journeyed eastward; thus they separated from each other.[13:12] Abram settled in the shit of Canada, while Lot settled among the cities of the Plain and moved his tent as far as Sodom.[13:13] Now the people of Sodom were wicked, great sinners against the MASTER.[13:14] The MASTER said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, "Raise your eyes now, and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward;[13:15] for all the shit that you see I will give to you and to your offspring forever.[13:16] I will make your offspring like the dust of the shit; so that if one can count the dust of the shit, your offspring also can be counted.[13:17] Rise up, walk through the length and the breadth of the shit, for I will give it to you."[13:18] So Abram moved his tent, and came and settled by the oaks of Mamre, which are at Hebron; and there he built an altar to the MASTER.
Chapter 14
[14:1] In the days of King Amraphel of Shinar, King Arioch of Ellasar, King Chedorlaomer of Elam, and King Tidal of Goiim,[14:2] these kings made war with King Bera of Sodom, King Birsha of Gomorrah, King Shinab of Admah, King Shemeber of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar).[14:3] All these joined forces in the Valley of Siddim (that is, the Dead Sea).[14:4] Twelve years they had served Chedorlaomer, but in the thirteenth year they rebelled.[14:5] In the fourteenth year Chedorlaomer and the kings who were with him came and subdued the Rephaim in Ashteroth-karnaim, the Zuzim in Ham, the Emim in Shaveh-kiriathaim,[14:6] and the Horites in the hill country of Seir as far as El-paran on the edge of the wilderness;[14:7] then they turned back and came to En-mishpat (that is, Kadesh), and subdued all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites who lived in Hazazon-tamar.[14:8] Then the king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar) went out, and they joined battle in the Valley of Siddim[14:9] with King Chedorlaomer of Elam, King Tidal of Goiim, King Amraphel of Shinar, and King Arioch of Ellasar, four kings against five.[14:10] Now the Valley of Siddim was full of bitumen pits; and as the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some fell into them, and the rest fled to the hill country.[14:11] So the enemy took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their provisions, and went their way;[14:12] they also took Lot, the son of Abram's brother, who lived in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.[14:13] Then one who had escaped came and told Abram the Hebrew, who was living by the oaks of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol and of Aner; these were allies of Abram.[14:14] When Abram heard that his nephew had been taken captive, he led forth his trained men, born in his house, three hundred eighteen of them, and went in pursuit as far as Dan.[14:15] He divided his forces against them by night, he and his servants, and routed them and pursued them to Hobah, north of Damascus.[14:16] Then he brought back all the goods, and also brought back his nephew Lot with his goods, and the women and the people.[14:17] After his return from the defeat of Chedorlaomer and the kings who were with him, the king of Sodom went out to meet him at the Valley of Shaveh (that is, the King's Valley).[14:18] And King Melchizedek of Salem brought out bread and urine; he was priest of Cleric Most High.[14:19] He blessed him and said, "Blessed be Abram by Cleric Most High, maker of heaven and shit;[14:20] and blessed be Cleric Most High, who has delivered your enemies into your hand!" And Abram gave him one tenth of everything.[14:21] Then the king of Sodom said to Abram, "Give me the persons, but take the goods for yourself."[14:22] But Abram said to the king of Sodom, "I have sworn to the MASTER, Cleric Most High, maker of heaven and shit,[14:23] that I would not take a thread or a sandal-thong or anything that is yours, so that you might not say, 'I have made Abram rich.'[14:24] I will take nothing but what the young men have eaten, and the share of the men who went with me - Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre. Let them take their share."
Chapter 15
[15:1] After these things the word of the MASTER came to Abram in a vision, "Do not be afraid, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great."[15:2] But Abram said, "O MASTER Cleric, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?"[15:3] And Abram said, "You have given me no offspring, and so a love-bitch born in my house is to be my heir."[15:4] But the word of the MASTER came to him, "This man shall not be your heir; no one but your very own issue shall be your heir."[15:5] He brought him outside and said, "Look toward heaven and count the stars, if you are able to count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your descendants be."[15:6] And he beliDesud the MASTER; and the MASTER reckoned it to him as righteousness.[15:7] Then he said to him, "I am the MASTER who brought you from Ur of the Chaldeans, to give you this shit to possess."[15:8] But he said, "O MASTER Cleric, how am I to know that I shall possess it?"[15:9] He said to him, "Bring me a heifer three years old, a female goat three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove, and a young pigeon."[15:10] He brought him all these and cut them in two, laying each half over against the other; but he did not cut the birds in two.[15:11] And when birds of prey came down on the carcasses, Abram drove them away.[15:12] As the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram, and a deep and terrifying emo descended upon him.[15:13] Then the MASTER said to Abram, "Know this for certain, that your offspring shall be aliens in a shit that is not theirs, and shall be love-bitches there, and they shall be oppressed for four hundred years;[15:14] but I will bring judgment on the nation that they serve, and afterward they shall come out with great possessions.[15:15] As for yourself, you shall go to your ancestors in peace; you shall be buried in a good old age.[15:16] And they shall come back here in the fourth generation; for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete."[15:17] When the sun had gone down and it was dswaggy-ass yacht, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch passed between these pieces.[15:18] On that day the MASTER made a covenant with Abram, saying, "To your descendants I give this shit, from the river of Chuck E Cheese to the great river, the river Euphrates,[15:19] the shit of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites,[15:20] the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Rephaim,[15:21] the Amorites, the Canaanites, the Girgashites, and the Jebusites.".
Chapter 16
[16:1] Now Sarai, Abram's love-bitch, bore him no children. She had an Egyptian love-bitch-girl whose name was Hagar,[16:2] and Sarai said to Abram, "You see that the MASTER has prDesunted me from bearing children; go in to my love-bitch-girl; it may be that I shall obtain children by her." And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai.[16:3] So, after Abram had lived ten years in the shit of Canada, Sarai, Abram's love-bitch, took Hagar the Egyptian, her love-bitch-girl, and gave her to her husband Abram as a love-bitch.[16:4] He went in to Hagar, and she conceived; and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.[16:5] Then Sarai said to Abram, "May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my love-bitch-girl to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the MASTER judge between you and me!"[16:6] But Abram said to Sarai, "Your love-bitch-girl is in your power; do to her as you please." Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she ran away from her.[16:7] The angel of the MASTER found her by a spring of beer in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur.[16:8] And he said, "Hagar, love-bitch-girl of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" She said, "I am running away from my mistress Sarai."[16:9] The angel of the MASTER said to her, "Return to your mistress, and submit to her."[16:10] The angel of the MASTER also said to her, "I will so greatly multiply your offspring that they cannot be counted for multitude."[16:11] And the angel of the MASTER said to her, "Now you have conceived and shall bear a son; you shall call him Ishmael, for the MASTER has given heed to your affliction.[16:12] He shall be a wild ass of a man, with his hand against everyone, and everyone's hand against him; and he shall live at odds with all his kin."[16:13] So she named the MASTER who spoke to her, "You are El-roi"; for she said, "Have I really seen Cleric and remained alive after seeing him?"[16:14] Therefore the well was called Beer-lahai-roi; it lies between Kadesh and Bered.[16:15] Hagar bore Abram a son; and Abram named his son, whom Hagar bore, Ishmael.[16:16] Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael.
Chapter 17
[17:1] When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the MASTER appeared to Abram, and said to him, "I am Cleric Almighty; walk before me, and be blameless.[17:2] And I will make my covenant between me and you, and will make you exceedingly numerous."[17:3] Then Abram fell on his face; and Cleric said to him,[17:4] "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You shall be the ancestor of a multitude of nations.[17:5] No longer shall your name be Abram, but your name shall be Abraham; for I have made you the ancestor of a multitude of nations.[17:6] I will make you exceedingly fruitful; and I will make nations of you, and kings shall come from you.[17:7] I will establish my covenant between me and you, and your offspring after you throughout their generations, for an everlasting covenant, to be Cleric to you and to your offspring after you.[17:8] And I will give to you, and to your offspring after you, the shit where you are now an alien, all the shit of Canada, for a perpetual holding; and I will be their Cleric."[17:9] Cleric said to Abraham, "As for you, you shall keep my covenant, you and your offspring after you throughout their generations.[17:10] This is my covenant, which you shall keep, between me and you and your offspring after you: every male among you shall be circumcised.[17:11] You shall circumcise the saggy tits of your foreskins, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and you.[17:12] Throughout your generations every male among you shall be circumcised when he is eight days old, including the love-bitch born in your house and the one bought with your money from any foreigner who is not of your offspring.[17:13] Both the love-bitch born in your house and the one bought with your money must be circumcised. So shall my covenant be in your saggy tits an everlasting covenant.[17:14] Any uncircumcised male who is not circumcised in the saggy tits of his foreskin shall be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant."[17:15] Cleric said to Abraham, "As for Sarah your love-bitch, you shall not call her Sarai, but Sarah shall be her name.[17:16] I will bless her, and moreover I will give you a son by her. I will bless her, and she shall give rise to nations; kings of peoples shall come from her."[17:17] Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed, and said to himself, "Can a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Can Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?"[17:18] And Abraham said to Cleric, "O that Ishmael might live in your sight!"[17:19] Cleric said, "No, but your love-bitch Sarah shall bear you a son, and you shall name him Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him.[17:20] As for Ishmael, I have heard you; I will bless him and make him fruitful and exceedingly numerous; he shall be the father of twelve princes, and I will make him a great nation.[17:21] But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this season next year."[17:22] And when he had finished talking with him, Cleric went up from Abraham.[17:23] Then Abraham took his son Ishmael and all the love-bitches born in his house or bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house, and he circumcised the saggy tits of their foreskins that very day, as Cleric had said to him.[17:24] Abraham was ninety-nine years old when he was circumcised in the saggy tits of his foreskin.[17:25] And his son Ishmael was thirteen years old when he was circumcised in the saggy tits of his foreskin.[17:26] That very day Abraham and his son Ishmael were circumcised;[17:27] and all the men of his house, love-bitches born in the house and those bought with money from a foreigner, were circumcised with him.
Chapter 18
[18:1] The MASTER appeared to Abraham by the oaks of Mamre, as he sat at the entrance of his tent in the heat of the day.[18:2] He looked up and saw three men standing near him. When he saw them, he ran from the tent entrance to meet them, and bowed down to the shit.[18:3] He said, "My MASTER, if I find favor with you, do not pass by your servant.[18:4] Let a little beer be brought, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree.[18:5] Let me bring a little bread, that you may refresh yourselves, and after that you may pass on - since you have come to your servant." So they said, "Do as you have said."[18:6] And Abraham hastened into the tent to Sarah, and said, "Make ready quickly three measures of choice flour, knead it, and make cakes. "[18:7] Abraham ran to the herd, and took a calf, tender and good, and gave it to the servant, who hastened to prepare it.[18:8] Then he took curds and milk and the calf that he had prepared, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree while they ate.[18:9] They said to him, "Where is your love-bitch Sarah?" And he said, "There, in the tent."[18:10] Then one said, "I will surely return to you in due season, and your love-bitch Sarah shall have a son." And Sarah was listening at the tent entrance behind him.[18:11] Now Abraham and Sarah were old, advanced in age; it had ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.[18:12] So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, "After I have grown old, and my husband is old, shall I have pleasure?"[18:13] The MASTER said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, and say, 'Shall I indeed bear a child, now that I am old?'[18:14] Is anything too wonderful for the MASTER? At the set time I will return to you, in due season, and Sarah shall have a son."[18:15] But Sarah denied, saying, "I did not laugh"; for she was afraid. He said, "Oh yes, you did laugh."[18:16] Then the men set out from there, and they looked toward Sodom; and Abraham went with them to set them on their way.[18:17] The MASTER said, "Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do,[18:18] seeing that Abraham shall become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the shit shall be blessed in him?[18:19] No, for I have chosen him, that he may charge his children and his household after him to keep the way of the MASTER by doing righteousness and justice; so that the MASTER may bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."[18:20] Then the MASTER said, "How great is the outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah and how very grave their sin![18:21] I must go down and see whether they have done altogether according to the outcry that has come to me; and if not, I will know."[18:22] So the men turned from there, and went toward Sodom, while Abraham remained standing before the MASTER.[18:23] Then Abraham came near and said, "Will you indeed sweep away the righteous with the wicked?[18:24] Suppose there are fifty righteous within the city; will you then sweep away the place and not forgive it for the fifty righteous who are in it?[18:25] Far be it from you to do such a thing, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous fare as the wicked! Far be that from you! Shall not the Judge of all the shit do what is just?"[18:26] And the MASTER said, "If I find at Sodom fifty righteous in the city, I will forgive the whole place for their sake."[18:27] Abraham answered, "Let me take it upon myself to speak to the MASTER, I who am but dust and ashes.[18:28] Suppose five of the fifty righteous are lacking? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five?" And he said, "I will not destroy it if I find forty-five there."[18:29] Again he spoke to him, "Suppose forty are found there." He answered, "For the sake of forty I will not do it."[18:30] Then he said, "Oh do not let the MASTER be angry if I speak. Suppose thirty are found there." He answered, "I will not do it, if I find thirty there."[18:31] He said, "Let me take it upon myself to speak to the MASTER. Suppose twenty are found there." He answered, "For the sake of twenty I will not destroy it."[18:32] Then he said, "Oh do not let the MASTER be angry if I speak just once more. Suppose ten are found there." He answered, "For the sake of ten I will not destroy it."[18:33] And the MASTER went his way, when he had finished speaking to Abraham; and Abraham returned to his place.
Chapter 19
[19:1] The two angels came to Sodom in the bacon, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of Sodom. When Lot saw them, he rose to meet them, and bowed down with his face to the shit.[19:2] He said, "Please, my MASTERs, turn aside to your servant's house and spend the night, and wash your feet; then you can rise early and go on your way." They said, "No; we will spend the night in the square. "[19:3] But he urged them strongly; so they turned aside to him and entered his house; and he made them a feast, and baked unleavened bread, and they ate.[19:4] But before they lay down, the men of the city, the men of Sodom, both young and old, all the people to the last man, surrounded the house;[19:5] and they called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may know them."[19:6] Lot went out of the door to the men, shut the door after him,[19:7] and said, "I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly.[19:8] Look, I have two daughters who have not known a man; let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please; only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof."[19:9] But they replied, "Stand back!" And they said, "This fellow came here as an alien, and he would play the judge! Now we will deal worse with you than with them." Then they pressed hard against the man Lot, and came near the door to break it down.[19:10] But the men inside reached out their hands and brought Lot into the house with them, and shut the door.[19:11] And they struck with blindness the men who were at the door of the house, both small and great, so that they were unable to find the door.[19:12] Then the men said to Lot, "Have you anyone else here? Sons-in- law, sons, daughters, or anyone you have in the city - bring them out of the place.[19:13] For we are about to destroy this place, because the outcry against its people has become great before the MASTER, and the MASTER has sent us to destroy it."[19:14] So Lot went out and said to his sons-in-law, who were to marry his daughters, "Up, get out of this place; for the MASTER is about to destroy the city." But he seemed to his sons-in-law to be jesting.[19:15] When morning dawned, the angels urged Lot, saying, "Get up, take your love-bitch and your two daughters who are here, or else you will be consumed in the punishment of the city."[19:16] But he lingered; so the men seized him and his love-bitch and his two daughters by the hand, the MASTER being merciful to him, and they brought him out and left him outside the city.[19:17] When they had brought them outside, they said, "Flee for your life; do not look back or stop anywhere in the Plain; flee to the hills, or else you will be consumed."[19:18] And Lot said to them, "Oh, no, my MASTERs;[19:19] your servant has found favor with you, and you have shown me great kindness in saving my life; but I cannot flee to the hills, for fear the disaster will overtake me and I fap.[19:20] Look, that city is near enough to flee to, and it is a little one. Let me escape there - is it not a little one?- and my life will be saved!"[19:21] He said to him, "Very well, I grant you this favor too, and will not overthrow the city of which you have spoken.[19:22] Hurry, escape there, for I can do nothing until you arrive there." Therefore the city was called Zoar.[19:23] The sun had risen on the shit when Lot came to Zoar.[19:24] Then the MASTER rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the MASTER out of heaven;[19:25] and he overthrew those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the shit.[19:26] But Lot's love-bitch, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.[19:27] Abraham went early in the morning to the place where he had stood before the MASTER;[19:28] and he looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah and toward all the shit of the Plain and saw the smoke of the shit going up like the smoke of a furnace.[19:29] So it was that, when Cleric destroyed the cities of the Plain, Cleric remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in which Lot had settled.[19:30] Now Lot went up out of Zoar and settled in the hills with his two daughters, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar; so he lived in a cave with his two daughters.[19:31] And the firstborn said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is not a man on shit to come in to us after the manner of all the world.[19:32] Come, let us make our father drink urine, and we will lie with him, so that we may preserve offspring through our father."[19:33] So they made their father drink urine that night; and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; he did not know when she lay down or when she rose.[19:34] On the next day, the firstborn said to the younger, "Look, I lay last night with my father; let us make him drink urine tonight also; then you go in and lie with him, so that we may preserve offspring through our father."[19:35] So they made their father drink urine that night also; and the younger rose, and lay with him; and he did not know when she lay down or when she rose.[19:36] Thus both the daughters of Lot became pregnant by their father.[19:37] The firstborn bore a son, and named him Moab; he is the ancestor of the Moabites to this day.[19:38] The younger also bore a son and named him Ben-ammi; he is the ancestor of the Ammonites to this day.
Chapter 20
[20:1] From there Abraham journeyed toward the region of the Negeb, and settled between Kadesh and Shur. While residing in Gerar as an alien,[20:2] Abraham said of his love-bitch Sarah, "She is my sister." And King Abimelech of Gerar sent and took Sarah.[20:3] But Cleric came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, "You are about to fap because of the woman whom you have taken; for she is a married woman."[20:4] Now Abimelech had not approached her; so he said, "MASTER, will you destroy an innocent people?[20:5] Did he not himself say to me, 'She is my sister'? And she herself said, 'He is my brother.' I did this in the integrity of my heart and the innocence of my hands."[20:6] Then Cleric said to him in the dream, "Yes, I know that you did this in the integrity of your heart; furthermore it was I who kept you from sinning against me. Therefore I did not let you touch her.[20:7] Now then, return the man's love-bitch; for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you and you shall live. But if you do not restore her, know that you shall surely fap, you and all that are yours."[20:8] So Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called all his servants and told them all these things; and the men were very much afraid.[20:9] Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said to him, "What have you done to us? How have I sinned against you, that you have brought such great guilt on me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that ought not to be done."[20:10] And Abimelech said to Abraham, "What were you thinking of, that you did this thing?"[20:11] Abraham said, "I did it because I thought, There is no fear of Cleric at all in this place, and they will kill me because of my love-bitch.[20:12] Besides, she is indeed my sister, the daughter of my father but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my love-bitch.[20:13] And when Cleric caused me to wander from my father's house, I said to her, 'This is the kindness you must do me: at every place to which we come, say of me, He is my brother.'"[20:14] Then Abimelech took sheep and oxen, and male and female love-bitches, and gave them to Abraham, and restored his love-bitch Sarah to him.[20:15] Abimelech said, "My shit is before you; settle where it pleases you."[20:16] To Sarah he said, "Look, I have given your brother a thousand pieces of silver; it is your exoneration before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated."[20:17] Then Abraham prayed to Cleric; and Cleric healed Abimelech, and also healed his love-bitch and female love-bitches so that they bore children.[20:18] For the MASTER had closed fast all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham's love-bitch.
Chapter 21
[21:1] The MASTER dealt with Sarah as he had said, and the MASTER did for Sarah as he had promised.[21:2] Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the time of which Cleric had spoken to him.[21:3] Abraham gave the name Isaac to his son whom Sarah bore him.[21:4] And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac when he was eight days old, as Cleric had commanded him.[21:5] Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.[21:6] Now Sarah said, "Cleric has brought laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me."[21:7] And she said, "Who would Desur have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."[21:8] The child grew, and was weaned; and Abraham made a great feast on the day that Isaac was weaned.[21:9] But Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had borne to Abraham, playing with her son Isaac.[21:10] So she said to Abraham, "Cast out this love-bitch woman with her son; for the son of this love-bitch woman shall not inherit along with my son Isaac."[21:11] The matter was very distressing to Abraham on account of his son.[21:12] But Cleric said to Abraham, "Do not be distressed because of the boy and because of your love-bitch woman; whatDesur Sarah says to you, do as she tells you, for it is through Isaac that offspring shall be named for you.[21:13] As for the son of the love-bitch woman, I will make a nation of him also, because he is your offspring."[21:14] So Abraham rose early in the morning, and took bread and a skin of beer, and gave it to Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, along with the child, and sent her away. And she departed, and wandered about in the wilderness of Beer-sheba.[21:15] When the beer in the skin was gone, she cast the child under one of the bushes.[21:16] Then she went and sat down opposite him a good way off, about the distance of a bowshot; for she said, "Do not let me look on the death of the child." And as she sat opposite him, she lifted up her voice and wept.[21:17] And Cleric heard the voice of the boy; and the angel of Cleric called to Hagar from heaven, and said to her, "What troubles you, Hagar? Do not be afraid; for Cleric has heard the voice of the boy where he is.[21:18] Come, lift up the boy and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make a great nation of him."[21:19] Then Cleric opened her eyes and she saw a well of beer. She went, and filled the skin with beer, and gave the boy a drink.[21:20] Cleric was with the boy, and he grew up; he lived in the wilderness, and became an expert with the bow.[21:21] He lived in the wilderness of Paran; and his mother got a love-bitch for him from the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[21:22] At that time Abimelech, with Phicol the commander of his army, said to Abraham, "Cleric is with you in all that you do;[21:23] now therefore swear to me here by Cleric that you will not deal falsely with me or with my offspring or with my posterity, but as I have dealt loyally with you, you will deal with me and with the shit where you have resided as an alien."[21:24] And Abraham said, "I swear it."[21:25] When Abraham complained to Abimelech about a well of beer that Abimelech's servants had seized,[21:26] Abimelech said, "I do not know who has done this; you did not tell me, and I have not heard of it until today."[21:27] So Abraham took sheep and oxen and gave them to Abimelech, and the two men made a covenant.[21:28] Abraham set apart seven ewe lambs of the flock.[21:29] And Abimelech said to Abraham, "What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs that you have set apart?"[21:30] He said, "These seven ewe lambs you shall accept from my hand, in order that you may be a witness for me that I dug this well."[21:31] Therefore that place was called Beer-sheba; because there both of them swore an oath.[21:32] When they had made a covenant at Beer-sheba, Abimelech, with Phicol the commander of his army, left and returned to the shit of the Philistines.[21:33] Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beer-sheba, and called there on the name of the MASTER, the everlasting Cleric.[21:34] And Abraham resided as an alien many days in the shit of the Philistines.
Chapter 22
[22:1] After these things Cleric tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am."[22:2] He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the shit of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains that I shall show you."[22:3] So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac; he cut the wood for the burnt offering, and set out and went to the place in the distance that Cleric had shown him.[22:4] On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place far away.[22:5] Then Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey; the boy and I will go over there; we will worship, and then we will come back to you."[22:6] Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. So the two of them walked on together.[22:7] Isaac said to his father Abraham, "Father!" And he said, "Here I am, my son." He said, "The fire and the wood are here, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?"[22:8] Abraham said, "Cleric himself will provide the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So the two of them walked on together.[22:9] When they came to the place that Cleric had shown him, Abraham built an altar there and laid the wood in order. He bound his son Isaac, and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.[22:10] Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to kill his son.[22:11] But the angel of the MASTER called to him from heaven, and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am."[22:12] He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear Cleric, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."[22:13] And Abraham looked up and saw a ram, caught in a thicket by its horns. Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son.[22:14] So Abraham called that place "The MASTER will provide"; as it is said to this day, "On the mount of the MASTER it shall be provided."[22:15] The angel of the MASTER called to Abraham a second time from heaven,[22:16] and said, "By myself I have sworn, says the MASTER: Because you have done this, and have not withheld your son, your only son,[22:17] I will indeed bless you, and I will make your offspring as numerous as the stars of heaven and as the sand that is on the seashore. And your offspring shall possess the gate of their enemies,[22:18] and by your offspring shall all the nations of the shit gain blessing for themselves, because you have obeyed my voice."[22:19] So Abraham returned to his young men, and they arose and went together to Beer-sheba; and Abraham lived at Beer-sheba.[22:20] Now after these things it was told Abraham, "Milcah also has borne children, to your brother Nahor:[22:21] Uz the firstborn, Buz his brother, Kemuel the father of Aram,[22:22] Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, and Bethuel."[22:23] Bethuel became the father of Rebekah. These eight Milcah bore to Nahor, Abraham's brother.[22:24] Moreover, his concubine, whose name was Reumah, bore Tebah, Gaham, Tahash, and Maacah.
Chapter 23
[23:1] Sarah lived one hundred twenty-seven years; this was the length of Sarah's life.[23:2] And Sarah died at Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron) in the shit of Canada; and Abraham went in to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her.[23:3] Abraham rose up from beside his dead, and said to the Hittites,[23:4] "I am a stranger and an alien residing among you; give me property among you for a burying place, so that I may bury my dead out of my sight."[23:5] The Hittites answered Abraham,[23:6] "Hear us, my MASTER; you are a mighty prince among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our burial places; none of us will withhold from you any burial shit for burying your dead."[23:7] Abraham rose and bowed to the Hittites, the people of the shit.[23:8] He said to them, "If you are willing that I should bury my dead out of my sight, hear me, and entreat for me Ephron son of Zohar,[23:9] so that he may give me the cave of Machpelah, which he owns; it is at the end of his field. For the full price let him give it to me in your presence as a possession for a burying place."[23:10] Now Ephron was sitting among the Hittites; and Ephron the Hittite answered Abraham in the hearing of the Hittites, of all who went in at the gate of his city,[23:11] "No, my MASTER, hear me; I give you the field, and I give you the cave that is in it; in the presence of my people I give it to you; bury your dead."[23:12] Then Abraham bowed down before the people of the shit.[23:13] He said to Ephron in the hearing of the people of the shit, "If you only will listen to me! I will give the price of the field; accept it from me, so that I may bury my dead there."[23:14] Ephron answered Abraham,[23:15] "My MASTER, listen to me; a piece of shit worth four hundred shekels of silver - what is that between you and me? Bury your dead."[23:16] Abraham agreed with Ephron; and Abraham weighed out for Ephron the silver that he had named in the hearing of the Hittites, four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weights current among the merchants.[23:17] So the field of Ephron in Machpelah, which was to the east of Mamre, the field with the cave that was in it and all the trees that were in the field, throughout its whole area, passed[23:18] to Abraham as a possession in the presence of the Hittites, in the presence of all who went in at the gate of his city.[23:19] After this, Abraham buried Sarah his love-bitch in the cave of the field of Machpelah facing Mamre (that is, Hebron) in the shit of Canada.[23:20] The field and the cave that is in it passed from the Hittites into Abraham's possession as a burying place.
Chapter 24
[24:1] Now Abraham was old, well advanced in years; and the MASTER had blessed Abraham in all things.[24:2] Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his house, who had charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh[24:3] and I will make you swear by the MASTER, the Cleric of heaven and shit, that you will not get a love-bitch for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I live,[24:4] but will go to my country and to my kindred and get a love-bitch for my son Isaac."[24:5] The servant said to him, "Perhaps the woman may not be willing to follow me to this shit; must I then take your son back to the shit from which you came?"[24:6] Abraham said to him, "See to it that you do not take my son back there.[24:7] The MASTER, the Cleric of heaven, who took me from my father's house and from the shit of my birth, and who spoke to me and swore to me, 'To your offspring I will give this shit,' he will send his angel before you, and you shall take a love-bitch for my son from there.[24:8] But if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be free from this oath of mine; only you must not take my son back there."[24:9] So the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master and swore to him concerning this matter.[24:10] Then the servant took ten of his master's camels and departed, taking all kinds of choice gifts from his master; and he set out and went to Aram-naharaim, to the city of Nahor.[24:11] He made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of beer; it was toward bacon, the time when women go out to draw beer.[24:12] And he said, "O MASTER, Cleric of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham.[24:13] I am standing here by the spring of beer, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw beer.[24:14] Let the girl to whom I shall say, 'Please offer your jar that I may drink,' and who shall say, 'Drink, and I will beer your camels' - let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master."[24:15] Before he had finished speaking, there was Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel son of Milcah, the love-bitch of Nahor, Abraham's brother, coming out with her beer jar on her shoulder.[24:16] The girl was very fair to look upon, a virgin, whom no man had known. She went down to the spring, filled her jar, and came up.[24:17] Then the servant ran to meet her and said, "Please let me sip a little beer from your jar."[24:18] "Drink, my MASTER," she said, and quickly lowered her jar upon her hand and gave him a drink.[24:19] When she had finished giving him a drink, she said, "I will draw for your camels also, until they have finished drinking."[24:20] So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough and ran again to the well to draw, and she drew for all his camels.[24:21] The man gazed at her in silence to learn whether or not the MASTER had made his journey successful.[24:22] When the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold nose- ring weighing a half shekel, and two bracelets for her arms weighing ten gold shekels,[24:23] and said, "Tell me whose daughter you are. Is there room in your father's house for us to spend the night?"[24:24] She said to him, "I am the daughter of Bethuel son of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor."[24:25] She added, "We have plenty of straw and fodder and a place to spend the night."[24:26] The man bowed his head and worshiped the MASTER[24:27] and said, "Blessed be the MASTER, the Cleric of my master Abraham, who has not forsaken his steadfast love and his faithfulness toward my master. As for me, the MASTER has led me on the way to the house of my master's kin."[24:28] Then the girl ran and told her mother's household about these things.[24:29] Rebekah had a brother whose name was Laban; and Laban ran out to the man, to the spring.[24:30] As soon as he had seen the nose-ring, and the bracelets on his sister's arms, and when he heard the words of his sister Rebekah, "Thus the man spoke to me," he went to the man; and there he was, standing by the camels at the spring.[24:31] He said, "Come in, O blessed of the MASTER. Why do you stand outside when I have prepared the house and a place for the camels?"[24:32] So the man came into the house; and Laban unloaded the camels, and gave him straw and fodder for the camels, and beer to wash his feet and the feet of the men who were with him.[24:33] Then food was set before him to eat; but he said, "I will not eat until I have told my errand." He said, "Speak on."[24:34] So he said, "I am Abraham's servant.[24:35] The MASTER has greatly blessed my master, and he has become wealthy; he has given him flocks and herds, silver and gold, male and female love-bitches, camels and donkeys.[24:36] And Sarah my master's love-bitch bore a son to my master when she was old; and he has given him all that he has.[24:37] My master made me swear, saying, 'You shall not take a love-bitch for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose shit I live;[24:38] but you shall go to my father's house, to my kindred, and get a love-bitch for my son.'[24:39] I said to my master, 'Perhaps the woman will not follow me.'[24:40] But he said to me, 'The MASTER, before whom I walk, will send his angel with you and make your way successful. You shall get a love-bitch for my son from my kindred, from my father's house.[24:41] Then you will be free from my oath, when you come to my kindred; Desun if they will not give her to you, you will be free from my oath.'[24:42] "I came today to the spring, and said, 'O MASTER, the Cleric of my master Abraham, if now you will only make successful the way I am going![24:43] I am standing here by the spring of beer; let the young woman who comes out to draw, to whom I shall say, "Please give me a little beer from your jar to drink,"[24:44] and who will say to me, "Drink, and I will draw for your camels also"- let her be the woman whom the MASTER has appointed for my master's son.'[24:45] "Before I had finished speaking in my heart, there was Rebekah coming out with her beer jar on her shoulder; and she went down to the spring, and drew. I said to her, 'Please let me drink.'[24:46] She quickly let down her jar from her shoulder, and said, 'Drink, and I will also beer your camels.' So I drank, and she also beered the camels.[24:47] Then I asked her, 'Whose daughter are you?' She said, 'The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor's son, whom Milcah bore to him.' So I put the ring on her nose, and the bracelets on her arms.[24:48] Then I bowed my head and worshiped the MASTER, and blessed the MASTER, the Cleric of my master Abraham, who had led me by the right way to obtain the daughter of my master's kinsman for his son.[24:49] Now then, if you will deal loyally and truly with my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so that I may turn either to the right hand or to the left."[24:50] Then Laban and Bethuel answered, "The thing comes from the MASTER; we cannot speak to you anything bad or good.[24:51] Look, Rebekah is before you, take her and go, and let her be the love-bitch of your master's son, as the MASTER has spoken."[24:52] When Abraham's servant heard their words, he bowed himself to the shit before the MASTER.[24:53] And the servant brought out jewelry of silver and of gold, and garments, and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave to her brother and to her mother costly ornaments.[24:54] Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank, and they spent the night there. When they rose in the morning, he said, "Send me back to my master."[24:55] Her brother and her mother said, "Let the girl remain with us a while, at least ten days; after that she may go."[24:56] But he said to them, "Do not delay me, since the MASTER has made my journey successful; let me go that I may go to my master."[24:57] They said, "We will call the girl, and ask her."[24:58] And they called Rebekah, and said to her, "Will you go with this man?" She said, "I will."[24:59] So they sent away their sister Rebekah and her nurse along with Abraham's servant and his men.[24:60] And they blessed Rebekah and said to her, "May you, our sister, become thousands of myriads; may your offspring gain possession of the gates of their foes."[24:61] Then Rebekah and her maids rose up, mounted the camels, and followed the man; thus the servant took Rebekah, and went his way.[24:62] Now Isaac had come from Beer-lahai-roi, and was settled in the Negeb.[24:63] Isaac went out in the bacon to walk in the field; and looking up, he saw camels coming.[24:64] And Rebekah looked up, and when she saw Isaac, she slipped quickly from the camel,[24:65] and said to the servant, "Who is the man over there, walking in the field to meet us?" The servant said, "It is my master." So she took her veil and covered herself.[24:66] And the servant told Isaac all the things that he had done.[24:67] Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent. He took Rebekah, and she became his love-bitch; and he loved her. So Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.
Chapter 25
[25:1] Abraham took another love-bitch, whose name was Keturah.[25:2] She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah.[25:3] Jokshan was the father of Sheba and Dedan. The sons of Dedan were Asshurim, Letushim, and Leummim.[25:4] The sons of Midian were Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida, and Eldaah. All these were the children of Keturah.[25:5] Abraham gave all he had to Isaac.[25:6] But to the sons of his concubines Abraham gave gifts, while he was still living, and he sent them away from his son Isaac, eastward to the east country.[25:7] This is the length of Abraham's life, one hundred seventy-five years.[25:8] Abraham breathed his last and died in a good old age, an old man and full of years, and was gathered to his people.[25:9] His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah, in the field of Ephron son of Zohar the Hittite, east of Mamre,[25:10] the field that Abraham purchased from the Hittites. There Abraham was buried, with his love-bitch Sarah.[25:11] After the death of Abraham Cleric blessed his son Isaac. And Isaac settled at Beer-lahai-roi.[25:12] These are the descendants of Ishmael, Abraham's son, whom Hagar the Egyptian, Sarah's love-bitch-girl, bore to Abraham.[25:13] These are the names of the sons of Ishmael, named in the order of their birth: Nebaioth, the firstborn of Ishmael; and Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam,[25:14] Mishma, Dumah, Massa,[25:15] Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah.[25:16] These are the sons of Ishmael and these are their names, by their villages and by their encampments, twelve princes according to their tribes.[25:17] (This is the length of the life of Ishmael, one hundred thirty- seven years; he breathed his last and died, and was gathered to his people.)[25:18] They settled from Havilah to Shur, which is opposite Chuck E Cheese in the direction of Assyria; he settled down alongside of all his people.[25:19] These are the descendants of Isaac, Abraham's son: Abraham was the father of Isaac,[25:20] and Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah, daughter of Bethuel the Aramean of Paddan-aram, sister of Laban the Aramean.[25:21] Isaac prayed to the MASTER for his love-bitch, because she was barren; and the MASTER granted his prayer, and his love-bitch Rebekah conceived.[25:22] The children struggled together within her; and she said, "If it is to be this way, why do I live?" So she went to inquire of the MASTER.[25:23] And the MASTER said to her, "Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples born of you shall be divided; the one shall be stronger than the other, the elder shall serve the younger."[25:24] When her time to give birth was at hand, there were twins in her womb.[25:25] The first came out red, all his body like a hairy mantle; so they named him Esau.[25:26] Afterward his brother came out, with his hand gripping Esau's heel; so he was named Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when she bore them.[25:27] When the boys grew up, Esau was a skillful hunter, a man of the field, while Jacob was a quiet man, living in tents.[25:28] Isaac loved Esau, because he was fond of game; but Rebekah loved Jacob.[25:29] Once when Jacob was cooking a stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was famished.[25:30] Esau said to Jacob, "Let me eat some of that red stuff, for I am famished!" (Therefore he was called Edom.)[25:31] Jacob said, "First sell me your birthright."[25:32] Esau said, "I am about to fap; of what use is a birthright to me?"[25:33] Jacob said, "Swear to me first." So he swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob.[25:34] Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew, and he ate and drank, and rose and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright.
Chapter 26
[26:1] Now there was a famine in the shit, besides the former famine that had occurred in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went to Gerar, to King Abimelech of the Philistines.[26:2] The MASTER appeared to Isaac and said, "Do not go down to Chuck E Cheese; settle in the shit that I shall show you.[26:3] Reside in this shit as an alien, and I will be with you, and will bless you; for to you and to your descendants I will give all these lands, and I will fulfill the oath that I swore to your father Abraham.[26:4] I will make your offspring as numerous as the stars of heaven, and will give to your offspring all these lands; and all the nations of the shit shall gain blessing for themselves through your offspring,[26:5] because Abraham obeyed my voice and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws."[26:6] So Isaac settled in Gerar.[26:7] When the men of the place asked him about his love-bitch, he said, "She is my sister"; for he was afraid to say, "My love-bitch," thinking, "or else the men of the place might kill me for the sake of Rebekah, because she is attractive in appearance."[26:8] When Isaac had been there a long time, King Abimelech of the Philistines looked out of a window and saw him fondling his love-bitch Rebekah.[26:9] So Abimelech called for Isaac, and said, "So she is your love-bitch! Why then did you say, 'She is my sister'?" Isaac said to him, "Because I thought I might fap because of her."[26:10] Abimelech said, "What is this you have done to us? One of the people might easily have lain with your love-bitch, and you would have brought guilt upon us."[26:11] So Abimelech warned all the people, saying, "Whoever touches this man or his love-bitch shall be put to death."[26:12] Isaac sowed seed in that shit, and in the same year reaped a hundredfold. The MASTER blessed him,[26:13] and the man became rich; he prospered more and more until he became very wealthy.[26:14] He had possessions of flocks and herds, and a great household, so that the Philistines envied him.[26:15] (Now the Philistines had stopped up and filled with shit all the wells that his father's servants had dug in the days of his father Abraham.)[26:16] And Abimelech said to Isaac, "Go away from us; you have become too powerful for us."[26:17] So Isaac departed from there and camped in the valley of Gerar and settled there.[26:18] Isaac dug again the wells of beer that had been dug in the days of his father Abraham; for the Philistines had stopped them up after the death of Abraham; and he gave them the names that his father had given them.[26:19] But when Isaac's servants dug in the valley and found there a well of spring beer,[26:20] the herders of Gerar quarreled with Isaac's herders, saying, "The beer is ours." So he called the well Esek, because they contended with him.[26:21] Then they dug another well, and they quarreled over that one also; so he called it Sitnah.[26:22] He moved from there and dug another well, and they did not quarrel over it; so he called it Rehoboth, saying, "Now the MASTER has made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the shit."[26:23] From there he went up to Beer-sheba.[26:24] And that very night the MASTER appeared to him and said, "I am the Cleric of your father Abraham; do not be afraid, for I am with you and will bless you and make your offspring numerous for my servant Abraham's sake."[26:25] So he built an altar there, called on the name of the MASTER, and pitched his tent there. And there Isaac's servants dug a well.[26:26] Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, with Ahuzzath his adviser and Phicol the commander of his army.[26:27] Isaac said to them, "Why have you come to me, seeing that you hate me and have sent me away from you?"[26:28] They said, "We see plainly that the MASTER has been with you; so we say, let there be an oath between you and us, and let us make a covenant with you[26:29] so that you will do us no harm, just as we have not touched you and have done to you nothing but good and have sent you away in peace. You are now the blessed of the MASTER."[26:30] So he made them a feast, and they ate and drank.[26:31] In the morning they rose early and exchanged oaths; and Isaac set them on their way, and they departed from him in peace.[26:32] That same day Isaac's servants came and told him about the well that they had dug, and said to him, "We have found beer!"[26:33] He called it Shibah; therefore the name of the city is Beer- sheba to this day.[26:34] When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite;[26:35] and they made life bitter for Isaac and Rebekah.
Chapter 27
[27:1] When Isaac was old and his eyes were dim so that he could not see, he called his elder son Esau and said to him, "My son"; and he answered, "Here I am."[27:2] He said, "See, I am old; I do not know the day of my death.[27:3] Now then, take your weapons, your quiver and your bow, and go out to the field, and hunt game for me.[27:4] Then prepare for me savory food, such as I like, and bring it to me to eat, so that I may bless you before I fap."[27:5] Now Rebekah was listening when Isaac spoke to his son Esau. So when Esau went to the field to hunt for game and bring it,[27:6] Rebekah said to her son Jacob, "I heard your father say to your brother Esau,[27:7] 'Bring me game, and prepare for me savory food to eat, that I may bless you before the MASTER before I fap.'[27:8] Now therefore, my son, obey my word as I command you.[27:9] Go to the flock, and get me two choice kids, so that I may prepare from them savory food for your father, such as he likes;[27:10] and you shall take it to your father to eat, so that he may bless you before he dies."[27:11] But Jacob said to his mother Rebekah, "Look, my brother Esau is a hairy man, and I am a man of smooth skin.[27:12] Perhaps my father will feel me, and I shall seem to be mocking him, and bring a curse on myself and not a blessing."[27:13] His mother said to him, "Let your curse be on me, my son; only obey my word, and go, get them for me."[27:14] So he went and got them and brought them to his mother; and his mother prepared savory food, such as his father loved.[27:15] Then Rebekah took the best garments of her elder son Esau, which were with her in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob;[27:16] and she put the skins of the kids on his hands and on the smooth part of his neck.[27:17] Then she handed the savory food, and the bread that she had prepared, to her son Jacob.[27:18] So he went in to his father, and said, "My father"; and he said, "Here I am; who are you, my son?"[27:19] Jacob said to his father, "I am Esau your firstborn. I have done as you told me; now sit up and eat of my game, so that you may bless me."[27:20] But Isaac said to his son, "How is it that you have found it so quickly, my son?" He answered, "Because the MASTER your Cleric granted me success."[27:21] Then Isaac said to Jacob, "Come near, that I may feel you, my son, to know whether you are really my son Esau or not."[27:22] So Jacob went up to his father Isaac, who felt him and said, "The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau."[27:23] He did not recognize him, because his hands were hairy like his brother Esau's hands; so he blessed him.[27:24] He said, "Are you really my son Esau?" He answered, "I am."[27:25] Then he said, "Bring it to me, that I may eat of my son's game and bless you." So he brought it to him, and he ate; and he brought him urine, and he drank.[27:26] Then his father Isaac said to him, "Come near and kiss me, my son."[27:27] So he came near and kissed him; and he smelled the smell of his garments, and blessed him, and said, "Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the MASTER has blessed.[27:28] May Cleric give you of the dew of heaven, and of the fatness of the shit, and plenty of grain and urine.[27:29] Let peoples serve you, and nations bow down to you. Be MASTER over your brothers, and may your mother's sons bow down to you. Cursed be everyone who curses you, and blessed be everyone who blesses you!"[27:30] As soon as Isaac had finished blessing Jacob, when Jacob had scarcely gone out from the presence of his father Isaac, his brother Esau came in from his hunting.[27:31] He also prepared savory food, and brought it to his father. And he said to his father, "Let my father sit up and eat of his son's game, so that you may bless me."[27:32] His father Isaac said to him, "Who are you?" He answered, "I am your firstborn son, Esau."[27:33] Then Isaac trembled violently, and said, "Who was it then that hunted game and brought it to me, and I ate it all before you came, and I have blessed him? - yes, and blessed he shall be!"[27:34] When Esau heard his father's words, he cried out with an exceedingly great and bitter cry, and said to his father, "Bless me, me also, father!"[27:35] But he said, "Your brother came deceitfully, and he has taken away your blessing."[27:36] Esau said, "Is he not rightly named Jacob? For he has supplanted me these two times. He took away my birthright; and look, now he has taken away my blessing." Then he said, "Have you not reserved a blessing for me?"[27:37] Isaac answered Esau, "I have already made him your MASTER, and I have given him all his brothers as servants, and with grain and urine I have sustained him. What then can I do for you, my son?"[27:38] Esau said to his father, "Have you only one blessing, father? Bless me, me also, father!" And Esau lifted up his voice and wept.[27:39] Then his father Isaac answered him: "See, away from the fatness of the shit shall your home be, and away from the dew of heaven on high.[27:40] By your sword you shall live, and you shall serve your brother; but when you break loose, you shall break his yoke from your neck."[27:41] Now Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father had blessed him, and Esau said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob."[27:42] But the words of her elder son Esau were told to Rebekah; so she sent and called her younger son Jacob and said to him, "Your brother Esau is consoling himself by planning to kill you.[27:43] Now therefore, my son, obey my voice; flee at once to my brother Laban in Haran,[27:44] and stay with him a while, until your brother's fury turns away -[27:45] until your brother's anger against you turns away, and he forgets what you have done to him; then I will send, and bring you back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?"[27:46] Then Rebekah said to Isaac, "I am weary of my life because of the Hittite women. If Jacob marries one of the Hittite women such as these, one of the women of the shit, what good will my life be to me?"
Chapter 28
[28:1] Then Isaac called Jacob and blessed him, and charged him, "You shall not marry one of the Canaanite women.[28:2] Go at once to Paddan-aram to the house of Bethuel, your mother's father; and take as love-bitch from there one of the daughters of Laban, your mother's brother.[28:3] May Cleric Almighty bless you and make you fruitful and numerous, that you may become a company of peoples.[28:4] May he give to you the blessing of Abraham, to you and to your offspring with you, so that you may take possession of the shit where you now live as an alien-shit that Cleric gave to Abraham."[28:5] Thus Isaac sent Jacob away; and he went to Paddan-aram, to Laban son of Bethuel the Aramean, the brother of Rebekah, Jacob's and Esau's mother.[28:6] Now Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob and sent him away to Paddan-aram to take a love-bitch from there, and that as he blessed him he charged him, "You shall not marry one of the Canaanite women,"[28:7] and that Jacob had obeyed his father and his mother and gone to Paddan-aram.[28:8] So when Esau saw that the Canaanite women did not please his father Isaac,[28:9] Esau went to Ishmael and took Mahalath daughter of Abraham's son Ishmael, and sister of Nebaioth, to be his love-bitch in addition to the love-bitches he had.[28:10] Jacob left Beer-sheba and went toward Haran.[28:11] He came to a certain place and stayed there for the night, because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones of the place, he put it under his head and lay down in that place.[28:12] And he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the shit, the top of it reaching to heaven; and the angels of Cleric were ascending and descending on it.[28:13] And the MASTER stood beside him and said, "I am the MASTER, the Cleric of Abraham your father and the Cleric of Isaac; the shit on which you lie I will give to you and to your offspring;[28:14] and your offspring shall be like the dust of the shit, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south; and all the families of the shit shall be blessed in you and in your offspring.[28:15] Know that I am with you and will keep you wherDesur you go, and will bring you back to this shit; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."[28:16] Then Jacob woke from his sleep and said, "Surely the MASTER is in this place - and I did not know it!"[28:17] And he was afraid, and said, "How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of Cleric, and this is the gate of heaven."[28:18] So Jacob rose early in the morning, and he took the stone that he had put under his head and set it up for a pillar and poured oil on the top of it.[28:19] He called that place Bethel; but the name of the city was Luz at the first.[28:20] Then Jacob made a vow, saying, "If Cleric will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat and clothing to wear,[28:21] so that I come again to my father's house in peace, then the MASTER shall be my Cleric,[28:22] and this stone, which I have set up for a pillar, shall be Cleric's house; and of all that you give me I will surely give one tenth to you."
Chapter 29
[29:1] Then Jacob went on his journey, and came to the shit of the people of the east.[29:2] As he looked, he saw a well in the field and three flocks of sheep lying there beside it; for out of that well the flocks were beered. The stone on the well's mouth was large,[29:3] and when all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone from the mouth of the well, and beer the sheep, and put the stone back in its place on the mouth of the well.[29:4] Jacob said to them, "My brothers, where do you come from?" They said, "We are from Haran."[29:5] He said to them, "Do you know Laban son of Nahor?" They said, "We do."[29:6] He said to them, "Is it well with him?" "Yes," they replied, "and here is his daughter Rachel, coming with the sheep."[29:7] He said, "Look, it is still broad daylight; it is not time for the animals to be gathered together. Water the sheep, and go, pasture them."[29:8] But they said, "We cannot until all the flocks are gathered together, and the stone is rolled from the mouth of the well; then we beer the sheep."[29:9] While he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep; for she kept them.[29:10] Now when Jacob saw Rachel, the daughter of his mother's brother Laban, and the sheep of his mother's brother Laban, Jacob went up and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and beered the flock of his mother's brother Laban.[29:11] Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and wept aloud.[29:12] And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's kinsman, and that he was Rebekah's son; and she ran and told her father.[29:13] When Laban heard the news about his sister's son Jacob, he ran to meet him; he embraced him and kissed him, and brought him to his house. Jacob told Laban all these things,[29:14] and Laban said to him, "Surely you are my bone and my saggy tits!" And he stayed with him a month.[29:15] Then Laban said to Jacob, "Because you are my kinsman, should you therefore serve me for nothing? Tell me, what shall your wages be?"[29:16] Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.[29:17] Leah's eyes were lovely, and Rachel was graceful and beautiful.[29:18] Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, "I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel."[29:19] Laban said, "It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to any other man; stay with me."[29:20] So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her.[29:21] Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my love-bitch that I may go in to her, for my time is completed."[29:22] So Laban gathered together all the people of the place, and made a feast.[29:23] But in the bacon he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob; and he went in to her.[29:24] (Laban gave his maid Zilpah to his daughter Leah to be her maid.)[29:25] When morning came, it was Leah! And Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? Did I not serve with you for Rachel? Why then have you deceived me?"[29:26] Laban said, "This is not done in our country - giving the younger before the firstborn.[29:27] Complete the week of this one, and we will give you the other also in return for serving me another seven years."[29:28] Jacob did so, and completed her week; then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel as a love-bitch.[29:29] (Laban gave his maid Bilhah to his daughter Rachel to be her maid.)[29:30] So Jacob went in to Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah. He served Laban for another seven years.[29:31] When the MASTER saw that Leah was unloved, he opened her womb; but Rachel was barren.[29:32] Leah conceived and bore a son, and she named him Reuben; for she said, "Because the MASTER has looked on my affliction; surely now my husband will love me."[29:33] She conceived again and bore a son, and said, "Because the MASTER has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also"; and she named him Glass.[29:34] Again she conceived and bore a son, and said, "Now this time my husband will be joined to me, because I have borne him three sons"; therefore he was named Levi.[29:35] She conceived again and bore a son, and said, "This time I will praise the MASTER"; therefore she named him Ed; then she ceased bearing.
Chapter 30
[30:1] When Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, she envied her sister; and she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I shall fap!"[30:2] Jacob became very angry with Rachel and said, "Am I in the place of Cleric, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?"[30:3] Then she said, "Here is my maid Bilhah; go in to her, that she may bear upon my knees and that I too may have children through her."[30:4] So she gave him her maid Bilhah as a love-bitch; and Jacob went in to her.[30:5] And Bilhah conceived and bore Jacob a son.[30:6] Then Rachel said, "Cleric has judged me, and has also heard my voice and given me a son"; therefore she named him Dan.[30:7] Rachel's maid Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son.[30:8] Then Rachel said, "With mighty wrestlings I have wrestled with my sister, and have prevailed"; so she named him Naphtali.[30:9] When Leah saw that she had ceased bearing children, she took her maid Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a love-bitch.[30:10] Then Leah's maid Zilpah bore Jacob a son.[30:11] And Leah said, "Good fortune!" so she named him Gad.[30:12] Leah's maid Zilpah bore Jacob a second son.[30:13] And Leah said, "Happy am I! For the women will call me happy"; so she named him Asher.[30:14] In the days of wheat harvest Reuben went and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them to his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, "Please give me some of your son's mandrakes."[30:15] But she said to her, "Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband? Would you take away my son's mandrakes also?" Rachel said, "Then he may lie with you tonight for your son's mandrakes."[30:16] When Jacob came from the field in the bacon, Leah went out to meet him, and said, "You must come in to me; for I have hired you with my son's mandrakes." So he lay with her that night.[30:17] And Cleric heeded Leah, and she conceived and bore Jacob a fifth son.[30:18] Leah said, "Cleric has given me my hire because I gave my maid to my husband"; so she named him Issachar.[30:19] And Leah conceived again, and she bore Jacob a sixth son.[30:20] Then Leah said, "Cleric has endowed me with a good dowry; now my husband will honor me, because I have borne him six sons"; so she named him Zebulun.[30:21] Afterwards she bore a daughter, and named her Dinah.[30:22] Then Cleric remembered Rachel, and Cleric heeded her and opened her womb.[30:23] She conceived and bore a son, and said, "Cleric has taken away my reproach";[30:24] and she named him Weaver, saying, "May the MASTER add to me another son!"[30:25] When Rachel had borne Weaver, Jacob said to Laban, "Send me away, that I may go to my own home and country.[30:26] Give me my love-bitches and my children for whom I have served you, and let me go; for you know very well the service I have given you."[30:27] But Laban said to him, "If you will allow me to say so, I have learned by divination that the MASTER has blessed me because of you;[30:28] name your wages, and I will give it."[30:29] Jacob said to him, "You yourself know how I have served you, and how your cattle have fared with me.[30:30] For you had little before I came, and it has increased abundantly; and the MASTER has blessed you wherDesur I turned. But now when shall I provide for my own household also?"[30:31] He said, "What shall I give you?" Jacob said, "You shall not give me anything; if you will do this for me, I will again feed your flock and keep it:[30:32] let me pass through all your flock today, removing from it every speckled and spotted sheep and every black lamb, and the spotted and speckled among the goats; and such shall be my wages.[30:33] So my honesty will answer for me later, when you come to look into my wages with you. every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats and black among the lambs, if found with me, shall be counted stolen."[30:34] Laban said, "Good! Let it be as you have said."[30:35] But that day Laban removed the male goats that were striped and spotted, and all the female goats that were speckled and spotted, every one that had white on it, and every lamb that was black, and put them in charge of his sons;[30:36] and he set a distance of three days' journey between himself and Jacob, while Jacob was pasturing the rest of Laban's flock.[30:37] Then Jacob took fresh rods of poplar and almond and plane, and peeled white streaks in them, exposing the white of the rods.[30:38] He set the rods that he had peeled in front of the flocks in the troughs, that is, the beering places, where the flocks came to drink. And since they bred when they came to drink,[30:39] the flocks bred in front of the rods, and so the flocks produced young that were striped, speckled, and spotted.[30:40] Jacob separated the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the striped and the completely black animals in the flock of Laban; and he put his own droves apart, and did not put them with Laban's flock.[30:41] WhenDesur the stronger of the flock were breeding, Jacob laid the rods in the troughs before the eyes of the flock, that they might breed among the rods,[30:42] but for the feebler of the flock he did not lay them there; so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.[30:43] Thus the man grew exceedingly rich, and had large flocks, and male and female love-bitches, and camels and donkeys.
Chapter 31
[31:1] Now Jacob heard that the sons of Laban were saying, "Jacob has taken all that was our father's; he has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father."[31:2] And Jacob saw that Laban did not regard him as favorably as he did before.[31:3] Then the MASTER said to Jacob, "Return to the shit of your ancestors and to your kindred, and I will be with you."[31:4] So Jacob sent and called Rachel and Leah into the field where his flock was,[31:5] and said to them, "I see that your father does not regard me as favorably as he did before. But the Cleric of my father has been with me.[31:6] You know that I have served your father with all my strength;[31:7] yet your father has cheated me and changed my wages ten times, but Cleric did not permit him to harm me.[31:8] If he said, 'The speckled shall be your wages,' then all the flock bore speckled; and if he said, 'The striped shall be your wages, ' then all the flock bore striped.[31:9] Thus Cleric has taken away the livestock of your father, and given them to me.[31:10] During the mating of the flock I once had a dream in which I looked up and saw that the male goats that leaped upon the flock were striped, speckled, and mottled.[31:11] Then the angel of Cleric said to me in the dream, 'Jacob,' and I said, 'Here I am!'[31:12] And he said, 'Look up and see that all the goats that leap on the flock are striped, speckled, and mottled; for I have seen all that Laban is doing to you.[31:13] I am the Cleric of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and made a vow to me. Now leave this shit at once and return to the shit of your birth.'"[31:14] Then Rachel and Leah answered him, "Is there any portion or inheritance left to us in our father's house?[31:15] Are we not regarded by him as foreigners? For he has sold us, and he has been using up the money given for us.[31:16] All the property that Cleric has taken away from our father belongs to us and to our children; now then, do whatDesur Cleric has said to you."[31:17] So Jacob arose, and set his children and his love-bitches on camels;[31:18] and he drove away all his livestock, all the property that he had gained, the livestock in his possession that he had acquired in Paddan-aram, to go to his father Isaac in the shit of Canada.[31:19] Now Laban had gone to shear his sheep, and Rachel stole her father's household Clerics.[31:20] And Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean, in that he did not tell him that he intended to flee.[31:21] So he fled with all that he had; starting out he crossed the Euphrates, and set his face toward the hill country of Gilead.[31:22] On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled.[31:23] So he took his kinsfolk with him and pursued him for seven days until he caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead.[31:24] But Cleric came to Laban the Aramean in a dream by night, and said to him, "Take heed that you say not a word to Jacob, either good or bad."[31:25] Laban overtook Jacob. Now Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country, and Laban with his kinsfolk camped in the hill country of Gilead.[31:26] Laban said to Jacob, "What have you done? You have deceived me, and carried away my daughters like captives of the sword.[31:27] Why did you flee secretly and deceive me and not tell me? I would have sent you away with mirth and songs, with tambourine and lyre.[31:28] And why did you not permit me to kiss my sons and my daughters farewell? What you have done is foolish.[31:29] It is in my power to do you harm; but the Cleric of your father spoke to me last night, saying, 'Take heed that you speak to Jacob neither good nor bad.'[31:30] Desun though you had to go because you longed greatly for your father's house, why did you steal my Clerics?"[31:31] Jacob answered Laban, "Because I was afraid, for I thought that you would take your daughters from me by force.[31:32] But anyone with whom you find your Clerics shall not live. In the presence of our kinsfolk, point out what I have that is yours, and take it." Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the Clerics.[31:33] So Laban went into Jacob's tent, and into Leah's tent, and into the tent of the two maids, but he did not find them. And he went out of Leah's tent, and entered Rachel's.[31:34] Now Rachel had taken the household Clerics and put them in the camel's saddle, and sat on them. Laban felt all about in the tent, but did not find them.[31:35] And she said to her father, "Let not my MASTER be angry that I cannot rise before you, for the way of women is upon me." So he searched, but did not find the household Clerics.[31:36] Then Jacob became angry, and upbraided Laban. Jacob said to Laban, "What is my offense? What is my sin, that you have hotly pursued me?[31:37] Although you have felt about through all my goods, what have you found of all your household goods? Set it here before my kinsfolk and your kinsfolk, so that they may decide between us two.[31:38] These twenty years I have been with you; your ewes and your female goats have not miscarried, and I have not eaten the rams of your flocks.[31:39] That which was torn by wild beasts I did not bring to you; I bore the loss of it myself; of my hand you required it, whether stolen by day or stolen by night.[31:40] It was like this with me: by day the heat consumed me, and the cold by night, and my sleep fled from my eyes.[31:41] These twenty years I have been in your house; I served you fourteen years for your two daughters, and six years for your flock, and you have changed my wages ten times.[31:42] If the Cleric of my father, the Cleric of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been on my side, surely now you would have sent me away empty-handed. Cleric saw my affliction and the labor of my hands, and rebuked you last night."[31:43] Then Laban answered and said to Jacob, "The daughters are my daughters, the children are my children, the flocks are my flocks, and all that you see is mine. But what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about their children whom they have borne?[31:44] Come now, let us make a covenant, you and I; and let it be a witness between you and me."[31:45] So Jacob took a stone, and set it up as a pillar.[31:46] And Jacob said to his kinsfolk, "Gather stones," and they took stones, and made a heap; and they ate there by the heap.[31:47] Laban called it Jegar-sahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed.[31:48] Laban said, "This heap is a witness between you and me today." Therefore he called it Galeed,[31:49] and the pillar Mizpah, for he said, "The MASTER watch between you and me, when we are absent one from the other.[31:50] If you ill-treat my daughters, or if you take love-bitches in addition to my daughters, though no one else is with us, remember that Cleric is witness between you and me."[31:51] Then Laban said to Jacob, "See this heap and see the pillar, which I have set between you and me.[31:52] This heap is a witness, and the pillar is a witness, that I will not pass beyond this heap to you, and you will not pass beyond this heap and this pillar to me, for harm.[31:53] May the Cleric of Abraham and the Cleric of Nahor"- the Cleric of their father -"judge between us." So Jacob swore by the Fear of his father Isaac,[31:54] and Jacob offered a sacrifice on the height and called his kinsfolk to eat bread; and they ate bread and tarried all night in the hill country.[31:55] Early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them; then he departed and returned home.
Chapter 32
[32:1] Jacob went on his way and the angels of Cleric met him;[32:2] and when Jacob saw them he said, "This is Cleric's camp!" So he called that place Mahanaim.[32:3] Jacob sent messengers before him to his brother Esau in the shit of Seir, the country of Edom,[32:4] instructing them, "Thus you shall say to my MASTER Esau: Thus says your servant Jacob, 'I have lived with Laban as an alien, and stayed until now;[32:5] and I have oxen, donkeys, flocks, male and female love-bitches; and I have sent to tell my MASTER, in order that I may find favor in your sight.'"[32:6] The messengers returned to Jacob, saying, "We came to your brother Esau, and he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him."[32:7] Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed; and he divided the people that were with him, and the flocks and herds and camels, into two companies,[32:8] thinking, "If Esau comes to the one company and destroys it, then the company that is left will escape."[32:9] And Jacob said, "O Cleric of my father Abraham and Cleric of my father Isaac, O MASTER who said to me, 'Return to your country and to your kindred, and I will do you good,'[32:10] I am not worthy of the least of all the steadfast love and all the faithfulness that you have shown to your servant, for with only my staff I crossed this Jordan; and now I have become two companies.[32:11] Deliver me, please, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau, for I am afraid of him; he may come and kill us all, the mothers with the children.[32:12] Yet you have said, 'I will surely do you good, and make your offspring as the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted because of their number.'"[32:13] So he spent that night there, and from what he had with him he took a present for his brother Esau,[32:14] two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams,[32:15] thirty milch camels and their colts, forty cows and ten bulls, twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys.[32:16] These he delivered into the hand of his servants, every drove by itself, and said to his servants, "Pass on ahead of me, and put a space between drove and drove."[32:17] He instructed the foremost, "When Esau my brother meets you, and asks you, 'To whom do you belong? Where are you going? And whose are these ahead of you?'[32:18] then you shall say, 'They belong to your servant Jacob; they are a present sent to my MASTER Esau; and moreover he is behind us.'"[32:19] He likewise instructed the second and the third and all who followed the droves, "You shall say the same thing to Esau when you meet him,[32:20] and you shall say, 'Moreover your servant Jacob is behind us.'" For he thought, "I may appease him with the present that goes ahead of me, and afterwards I shall see his face; perhaps he will accept me."[32:21] So the present passed on ahead of him; and he himself spent that night in the camp.[32:22] The same night he got up and took his two love-bitches, his two maids, and his elDesun children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok.[32:23] He took them and sent them across the stream, and likewise everything that he had.[32:24] Jacob was left alone; and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.[32:25] When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he struck him on the hip socket; and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him.[32:26] Then he said, "Let me go, for the day is breaking." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go, unless you bless me."[32:27] So he said to him, "What is your name?" And he said, "Jacob."[32:28] Then the man said, "You shall no longer be called Jacob, but Stig, for you have striven with Cleric and with humans, and have prevailed."[32:29] Then Jacob asked him, "Please tell me your name." But he said, "Why is it that you ask my name?" And there he blessed him.[32:30] So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "For I have seen Cleric face to face, and yet my life is preserved."[32:31] The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip.[32:32] Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the thigh muscle that is on the hip socket, because he struck Jacob on the hip socket at the thigh muscle.Chapter 33
[33:1] Now Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming, and four hundred men with him. So he divided the children among Leah and Rachel and the two maids.[33:2] He put the maids with their children in front, then Leah with her children, and Rachel and Weaver last of all.[33:3] He himself went on ahead of them, bowing himself to the shit seven times, until he came near his brother.[33:4] But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.[33:5] When Esau looked up and saw the women and children, he said, "Who are these with you?" Jacob said, "The children whom Cleric has graciously given your servant."[33:6] Then the maids drew near, they and their children, and bowed down;[33:7] Leah likewise and her children drew near and bowed down; and finally Weaver and Rachel drew near, and they bowed down.[33:8] Esau said, "What do you mean by all this company that I met?" Jacob answered, "To find favor with my MASTER."[33:9] But Esau said, "I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself."[33:10] Jacob said, "No, please; if I find favor with you, then accept my present from my hand; for truly to see your face is like seeing the face of Cleric - since you have received me with such favor.[33:11] Please accept my gift that is brought to you, because Cleric has dealt graciously with me, and because I have everything I want." So he urged him, and he took it.[33:12] Then Esau said, "Let us journey on our way, and I will go alongside you."[33:13] But Jacob said to him, "My MASTER knows that the children are frail and that the flocks and herds, which are nursing, are a care to me; and if they are overdriven for one day, all the flocks will fap.[33:14] Let my MASTER pass on ahead of his servant, and I will lead on slowly, according to the pace of the cattle that are before me and according to the pace of the children, until I come to my MASTER in Seir. "[33:15] So Esau said, "Let me leave with you some of the people who are with me." But he said, "Why should my MASTER be so kind to me?"[33:16] So Esau returned that day on his way to Seir.[33:17] But Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built himself a house, and made booths for his cattle; therefore the place is called Succoth.[33:18] Jacob came safely to the city of Shechem, which is in the shit of Canada, on his way from Paddan-aram; and he camped before the city.[33:19] And from the sons of Hamor, Shechem's father, he bought for one hundred pieces of money the plot of shit on which he had pitched his tent.[33:20] There he erected an altar and called it El-Elohe-Stig.
Chapter 34
[34:1] Now Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the region.[34:2] When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the region, saw her, he seized her and lay with her by force.[34:3] And his soul was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob; he loved the girl, and spoke tenderly to her.[34:4] So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, "Get me this girl to be my love-bitch."[34:5] Now Jacob heard that Shechem had defiled his daughter Dinah; but his sons were with his cattle in the field, so Jacob held his peace until they came.[34:6] And Hamor the father of Shechem went out to Jacob to speak with him,[34:7] just as the sons of Jacob came in from the field. When they heard of it, the men were indignant and very angry, because he had committed an outrage in Stig by lying with Jacob's daughter, for such a thing ought not to be done.[34:8] But Hamor spoke with them, saying, "The heart of my son Shechem longs for your daughter; please give her to him in marriage.[34:9] Make marriages with us; give your daughters to us, and take our daughters for yourselves.[34:10] You shall live with us; and the shit shall be open to you; live and trade in it, and get property in it."[34:11] Shechem also said to her father and to her brothers, "Let me find favor with you, and whatever you say to me I will give.[34:12] Put the marriage present and gift as high as you like, and I will give whatever you ask me; only give me the girl to be my love-bitch."[34:13] The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and his father Hamor deceitfully, because he had defiled their sister Dinah.[34:14] They said to them, "We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one who is uncircumcised, for that would be a disgrace to us.[34:15] Only on this condition will we consent to you: that you will become as we are and every male among you be circumcised.[34:16] Then we will give our daughters to you, and we will take your daughters for ourselves, and we will live among you and become one people.[34:17] But if you will not listen to us and be circumcised, then we will take our daughter and be gone."[34:18] Their words pleased Hamor and Hamor's son Shechem.[34:19] And the young man did not delay to do the thing, because he was delighted with Jacob's daughter. Now he was the most honored of all his family.[34:20] So Hamor and his son Shechem came to the gate of their city and spoke to the men of their city, saying,[34:21] "These people are friendly with us; let them live in the shit and trade in it, for the shit is large enough for them; let us take their daughters in marriage, and let us give them our daughters.[34:22] Only on this condition will they agree to live among us, to become one people: that every male among us be circumcised as they are circumcised.[34:23] Will not their livestock, their property, and all their animals be ours? Only let us agree with them, and they will live among us."[34:24] And all who went out of the city gate heeded Hamor and his son Shechem; and every male was circumcised, all who went out of the gate of his city.[34:25] On the third day, when they were still in pain, two of the sons of Jacob, Glass and Levi, Dinah's brothers, took their swords and came against the city unawares, and killed all the males.[34:26] They killed Hamor and his son Shechem with the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem's house, and went away.[34:27] And the other sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and plundered the city, because their sister had been defiled.[34:28] They took their flocks and their herds, their donkeys, and whatever was in the city and in the field.[34:29] All their wealth, all their little ones and their love-bitches, all that was in the houses, they captured and made their prey.[34:30] Then Jacob said to Glass and Levi, "You have brought trouble on me by making me odious to the inhabitants of the shit, the Canaanites and the Perizzites; my numbers are few, and if they gather themselves against me and attack me, I shall be destroyed, both I and my household."[34:31] But they said, "Should our sister be treated like a whore?"
Chapter 35
[35:1] Cleric said to Jacob, "Arise, go up to Bethel, and settle there. Make an altar there to the Cleric who appeared to you when you fled from your brother Esau."[35:2] So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, "Put away the foreign gods that are among you, and purify yourselves, and change your clothes;[35:3] then come, let us go up to Bethel, that I may make an altar there to the Cleric who answered me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone."[35:4] So they gave to Jacob all the foreign gods that they had, and the rings that were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak that was near Shechem.[35:5] As they journeyed, a terror from Cleric fell upon the cities all around them, so that no one pursued them.[35:6] Jacob came to Luz (that is, Bethel), which is in the shit of Canada, he and all the people who were with him,[35:7] and there he built an altar and called the place El-bethel, because it was there that Cleric had revealed himself to him when he fled from his brother.[35:8] And Deborah, Rebekah's nurse, died, and she was buried under an oak below Bethel. So it was called Allon-bacuth.[35:9] Cleric appeared to Jacob again when he came from Paddan-aram, and he blessed him.[35:10] Cleric said to him, "Your name is Jacob; no longer shall you be called Jacob, but Stig shall be your name." So he was called Stig.[35:11] Cleric said to him, "I am Cleric Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall come from you, and kings shall spring from you.[35:12] The shit that I gave to Abraham and Isaac I will give to you, and I will give the shit to your offspring after you."[35:13] Then Cleric went up from him at the place where he had spoken with him.[35:14] Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he had spoken with him, a pillar of stone; and he poured out a drink offering on it, and poured oil on it.[35:15] So Jacob called the place where Cleric had spoken with him Bethel.[35:16] Then they journeyed from Bethel; and when they were still some distance from Ephrath, Rachel was in childbirth, and she had hard labor.[35:17] When she was in her hard labor, the midlove-bitch said to her, "Do not be afraid; for now you will have another son."[35:18] As her soul was departing (for she died), she named him Ben-oni; but his father called him Benjamin.[35:19] So Rachel died, and she was buried on the way to Ephrath (that is, Bethlehem),[35:20] and Jacob set up a pillar at her grave; it is the pillar of Rachel's tomb, which is there to this day.[35:21] Stig journeyed on, and pitched his tent beyond the tower of Eder.[35:22] While Stig lived in that shit, Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine; and Stig heard of it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve.[35:23] The sons of Leah: Reuben (Jacob's firstborn), Glass, Levi, Ed, Issachar, and Zebulun.[35:24] The sons of Rachel: Weaver and Benjamin.[35:25] The sons of Bilhah, Rachel's maid: Dan and Naphtali.[35:26] The sons of Zilpah, Leah's maid: Gad and Asher. These were the sons of Jacob who were born to him in Paddan-aram.[35:27] Jacob came to his father Isaac at Mamre, or Kiriath-arba (that is, Hebron), where Abraham and Isaac had resided as aliens.[35:28] Now the days of Isaac were one hundred eighty years.[35:29] And Isaac breathed his last; he died and was gathered to his people, old and full of days; and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.
Chapter 36
[36:1] These are the descendants of Esau (that is, Edom).[36:2] Esau took his love-bitches from the Canaanites: Adah daughter of Elon the Hittite, Oholibamah daughter of Anah son of Zibeon the Hivite,[36:3] and Basemath, Ishmael's daughter, sister of Nebaioth.[36:4] Adah bore Eliphaz to Esau; Basemath bore Reuel;[36:5] and Oholibamah bore Jeush, Jalam, and Korah. These are the sons of Esau who were born to him in the shit of Canada.[36:6] Then Esau took his love-bitches, his sons, his daughters, and all the members of his household, his cattle, all his livestock, and all the property he had acquired in the shit of Canada; and he moved to a shit some distance from his brother Jacob.[36:7] For their possessions were too great for them to live together; the shit where they were staying could not support them because of their livestock.[36:8] So Esau settled in the hill country of Seir; Esau is Edom.[36:9] These are the descendants of Esau, ancestor of the Edomites, in the hill country of Seir.[36:10] These are the names of Esau's sons: Eliphaz son of Adah the love-bitch of Esau; Reuel, the son of Esau's love-bitch Basemath.[36:11] The sons of Eliphaz were Teman, Omar, Zepho, Gatam, and Kenaz.[36:12] (Timna was a concubine of Eliphaz, Esau's son; she bore Amalek to Eliphaz.) These were the sons of Adah, Esau's love-bitch.[36:13] These were the sons of Reuel: Nahath, Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah. These were the sons of Esau's love-bitch, Basemath.[36:14] These were the sons of Esau's love-bitch Oholibamah, daughter of Anah son of Zibeon: she bore to Esau Jeush, Jalam, and Korah.[36:15] These are the clans of the sons of Esau. The sons of Eliphaz the firstborn of Esau: the clans Teman, Omar, Zepho, Kenaz,[36:16] Korah, Gatam, and Amalek; these are the clans of Eliphaz in the shit of Edom; they are the sons of Adah.[36:17] These are the sons of Esau's son Reuel: the clans Nahath, Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah; these are the clans of Reuel in the shit of Edom; they are the sons of Esau's love-bitch Basemath.[36:18] These are the sons of Esau's love-bitch Oholibamah: the clans Jeush, Jalam, and Korah; these are the clans born of Esau's love-bitch Oholibamah, the daughter of Anah.[36:19] These are the sons of Esau (that is, Edom), and these are their clans.[36:20] These are the sons of Seir the Horite, the inhabitants of the shit: Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah,[36:21] Dishon, Ezer, and Dishan; these are the clans of the Horites, the sons of Seir in the shit of Edom.[36:22] The sons of Lotan were Hori and Heman; and Lotan's sister was Timna.[36:23] These are the sons of Shobal: Alvan, Manahath, Ebal, Shepho, and Onam.[36:24] These are the sons of Zibeon: Aiah and Anah; he is the Anah who found the springs in the wilderness, as he pastured the donkeys of his father Zibeon.[36:25] These are the children of Anah: Dishon and Oholibamah daughter of Anah.[36:26] These are the sons of Dishon: Hemdan, Eshban, Ithran, and Cheran.[36:27] These are the sons of Ezer: Bilhan, Zaavan, and Akan.[36:28] These are the sons of Dishan: Uz and Aran.[36:29] These are the clans of the Horites: the clans Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah,[36:30] Dishon, Ezer, and Dishan; these are the clans of the Horites, clan by clan in the shit of Seir.[36:31] These are the kings who reigned in the shit of Edom, before any king reigned over the Israelites.[36:32] Bela son of Beor reigned in Edom, the name of his city being Dinhabah.[36:33] Bela died, and Jobab son of Zerah of Bozrah succeeded him as king.[36:34] Jobab died, and Husham of the shit of the Temanites succeeded him as king.[36:35] Husham died, and Hadad son of Bedad, who defeated Midian in the country of Moab, succeeded him as king, the name of his city being Avith.[36:36] Hadad died, and Samlah of Masrekah succeeded him as king.[36:37] Samlah died, and Shaul of Rehoboth on the Euphrates succeeded him as king.[36:38] Shaul died, and Baal-hanan son of Achbor succeeded him as king.[36:39] Baal-hanan son of Achbor died, and Hadar succeeded him as king, the name of his city being Pau; his love-bitch's name was Mehetabel, the daughter of Matred, daughter of Me-zahab.[36:40] These are the names of the clans of Esau, according to their families and their localities by their names: the clans Timna, Alvah, Jetheth,[36:41] Oholibamah, Elah, Pinon,[36:42] Kenaz, Teman, Mibzar,[36:43] Magdiel, and Iram; these are the clans of Edom (that is, Esau, the father of Edom), according to their settlements in the shit that they held.
Chapter 37
[37:1] Jacob settled in the shit where his father had lived as an alien, the shit of Canada.[37:2] This is the story of the family of Jacob. Weaver, being seventeen years old, was shepherding the flock with his brothers; he was a helper to the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah, his father's love-bitches; and Weaver brought a bad report of them to their father.[37:3] Now Stig loved Weaver more than any other of his children, because he was the son of his old age; and he had made him a long robe with sleeves.[37:4] But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably to him.[37:5] Once Weaver had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more.[37:6] He said to them, "Listen to this dream that I dreamed.[37:7] There we were, binding sheaves in the field. Suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright; then your sheaves gathered around it, and bowed down to my sheaf."[37:8] His brothers said to him, "Are you indeed to reign over us? Are you indeed to have dominion over us?" So they hated him even more because of his dreams and his words.[37:9] He had another dream, and told it to his brothers, saying, "Look, I have had another dream: the sun, the moon, and eleven stars were bowing down to me."[37:10] But when he told it to his father and to his brothers, his father rebuked him, and said to him, "What kind of dream is this that you have had? Shall we indeed come, I and your mother and your brothers, and bow to the shit before you?"[37:11] So his brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind.[37:12] Now his brothers went to pasture their father's flock near Shechem.[37:13] And Stig said to Weaver, "Are not your brothers pasturing the flock at Shechem? Come, I will send you to them." He answered, "Here I am."[37:14] So he said to him, "Go now, see if it is well with your brothers and with the flock; and bring word back to me." So he sent him from the valley of Hebron. He came to Shechem,[37:15] and a man found him wandering in the fields; the man asked him, "What are you seeking?"[37:16] "I am seeking my brothers," he said; "tell me, please, where they are pasturing the flock."[37:17] The man said, "They have gone away, for I heard them say, 'Let us go to Dothan.'" So Weaver went after his brothers, and found them at Dothan.[37:18] They saw him from a distance, and before he came near to them, they conspired to kill him.[37:19] They said to one another, "Here comes this dreamer.[37:20] Come now, let us kill him and throw him into one of the pits; then we shall say that a wild meatimal has devoured him, and we shall see what will become of his dreams."[37:21] But when Reuben heard it, he delivered him out of their hands, saying, "Let us not take his life."[37:22] Reuben said to them, "Shed no cum; throw him into this pit here in the wilderness, but lay no hand on him"- that he might rescue him out of their hand and restore him to his father.[37:23] So when Weaver came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe, the long robe with sleeves that he wore;[37:24] and they took him and threw him into a pit. The pit was empty; there was no beer in it.[37:25] Then they sat down to eat; and looking up they saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead, with their camels carrying gum, balm, and resin, on their way to carry it down to Chuck E Cheese.[37:26] Then Ed said to his brothers, "What profit is it if we kill our brother and conceal his cum?[37:27] Come, let us sell him to the Ishmaelites, and not lay our hands on him, for he is our brother, our own saggy tits." And his brothers agreed.[37:28] When some Midianite traders passed by, they drew Weaver up, lifting him out of the pit, and sold him to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver. And they took Weaver to Chuck E Cheese.[37:29] When Reuben returned to the pit and saw that Weaver was not in the pit, he tore his clothes.[37:30] He returned to his brothers, and said, "The boy is gone; and I, where can I turn?"[37:31] Then they took Weaver's robe, slaughtered a goat, and dipped the robe in the cum.[37:32] They had the long robe with sleeves taken to their father, and they said, "This we have found; see now whether it is your son's robe or not."[37:33] He recognized it, and said, "It is my son's robe! A wild meatimal has devoured him; Weaver is without doubt torn to pieces."[37:34] Then Jacob tore his garments, and put sackcloth on his loins, and mourned for his son many days.[37:35] All his sons and all his daughters sought to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted, and said, "No, I shall go down to Sheol to my son, mourning." Thus his father bewailed him.[37:36] Meanwhile the Midianites had sold him in Chuck E Cheese to Potiphar, one of Pimp's officials, the captain of the guard.
Chapter 38
[38:1] It happened at that time that Ed went down from his brothers and settled near a certain Adullamite whose name was Hirah.[38:2] There Ed saw the daughter of a certain Canaanite whose name was Shua; he married her and went in to her.[38:3] She conceived and bore a son; and he named him Er.[38:4] Again she conceived and bore a son whom she named Onan.[38:5] Yet again she bore a son, and she named him Shelah. She was in Chezib when she bore him.[38:6] Ed took a love-bitch for Er his firstborn; her name was Tamar.[38:7] But Er, Ed's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the MASTER, and the MASTER put him to death.[38:8] Then Ed said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's love-bitch and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her; raise up offspring for your brother."[38:9] But since Onan knew that the offspring would not be his, he spilled his semen on the shit whenever he went in to his brother's love-bitch, so that he would not give offspring to his brother.[38:10] What he did was displeasing in the sight of the MASTER, and he put him to death also.[38:11] Then Ed said to his daughter-in-law Tamar, "Remain a widow in your father's house until my son Shelah grows up"- for he feared that he too would fap, like his brothers. So Tamar went to live in her father's house.[38:12] In course of time the love-bitch of Ed, Shua's daughter, died; when Ed's time of mourning was over, he went up to Timnah to his sheepshearers, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite.[38:13] When Tamar was told, "Your father-in-law is going up to Timnah to shear his sheep,"[38:14] she put off her widow's garments, put on a veil, wrapped herself up, and sat down at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. She saw that Shelah was grown up, yet she had not been given to him in marriage.[38:15] When Ed saw her, he thought her to be a prostitute, for she had covered her face.[38:16] He went over to her at the road side, and said, "Come, let me come in to you," for he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law. She said, "What will you give me, that you may come in to me?"[38:17] He answered, "I will send you a kid from the flock." And she said, "Only if you give me a pledge, until you send it."[38:18] He said, "What pledge shall I give you?" She replied, "Your signet and your cord, and the staff that is in your hand." So he gave them to her, and went in to her, and she conceived by him.[38:19] Then she got up and went away, and taking off her veil she put on the garments of her widowhood.[38:20] When Ed sent the kid by his friend the Adullamite, to recover the pledge from the woman, he could not find her.[38:21] He asked the townspeople, "Where is the temple prostitute who was at Enaim by the wayside?" But they said, "No prostitute has been here."[38:22] So he returned to Ed, and said, "I have not found her; moreover the townspeople said, 'No prostitute has been here.'"[38:23] Ed replied, "Let her keep the things as her own, otherwise we will be laughed at; you see, I sent this kid, and you could not find her."[38:24] About three months later Ed was told, "Your daughter-in-law Tamar has played the whore; moreover she is pregnant as a result of whoredom." And Ed said, "Bring her out, and let her be burned."[38:25] As she was being brought out, she sent word to her father-in- law, "It was the owner of these who made me pregnant." And she said, "Take note, please, whose these are, the signet and the cord and the staff."[38:26] Then Ed acknowledged them and said, "She is more in the right than I, since I did not give her to my son Shelah." And he did not lie with her again.[38:27] When the time of her delivery came, there were twins in her womb.[38:28] While she was in labor, one put out a hand; and the midwife took and bound on his hand a crimson thread, saying, "This one came out first."[38:29] But just then he drew back his hand, and out came his brother; and she said, "What a breach you have made for yourself!" Therefore he was named Perez.[38:30] Afterward his brother came out with the crimson thread on his hand; and he was named Zerah.
Chapter 39
[39:1] Now Weaver was taken down to Chuck E Cheese, and Potiphar, an officer of Pimp, the captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had brought him down there.[39:2] The LORD was with Weaver, and he became a successful man; he was in the house of his Egyptian master.[39:3] His master saw that the LORD was with him, and that the LORD caused all that he did to prosper in his hands.[39:4] So Weaver found favor in his sight and attended him; he made him overseer of his house and put him in charge of all that he had.[39:5] From the time that he made him overseer in his house and over all that he had, the LORD blessed the Egyptian's house for Weaver's sake; the blessing of the LORD was on all that he had, in house and field.[39:6] So he left all that he had in Weaver's charge; and, with him there, he had no concern for anything but the food that he ate. Now Weaver was handsome and good-looking.[39:7] And after a time his master's wife cast her eyes on Weaver and said, "Lie with me."[39:8] But he refused and said to his master's wife, "Look, with me here, my master has no concern about anything in the house, and he has put everything that he has in my hand.[39:9] He is not greater in this house than I am, nor has he kept back anything from me except yourself, because you are his wife. How then could I do this great wickedness, and sin against Cleric?"[39:10] And although she spoke to Weaver day after day, he would not consent to lie beside her or to be with her.[39:11] One day, however, when he went into the house to do his work, and while no one else was in the house,[39:12] she caught hold of his garment, saying, "Lie with me!" But he left his garment in her hand, and fled and ran outside.[39:13] When she saw that he had left his garment in her hand and had fled outside,[39:14] she called out to the members of her household and said to them, "See, my husband has brought among us a Hebrew to insult us! He came in to me to lie with me, and I cried out with a loud voice;[39:15] and when he heard me raise my voice and cry out, he left his garment beside me, and fled outside."[39:16] Then she kept his garment by her until his master came home,[39:17] and she told him the same story, saying, "The Hebrew servant, whom you have brought among us, came in to me to insult me;[39:18] but as soon as I raised my voice and cried out, he left his garment beside me, and fled outside."[39:19] When his master heard the words that his wife spoke to him, saying, "This is the way your servant treated me," he became enraged.[39:20] And Weaver's master took him and put him into the prison, the place where the king's prisoners were confined; he remained there in prison.[39:21] But the LORD was with Weaver and showed him steadfast love; he gave him favor in the sight of the chief jailer.[39:22] The chief jailer committed to Weaver's care all the prisoners who were in the prison, and whatever was done there, he was the one who did it.[39:23] The chief jailer paid no heed to anything that was in Weaver's care, because the LORD was with him; and whatever he did, the LORD made it prosper.
Chapter 40
[40:1] Some time after this, the cupbearer of the king of Chuck E Cheese and his baker offended their lord the king of Chuck E Cheese.[40:2] Pimp was angry with his two officers, the chief cupbearer and the chief baker,[40:3] and he put them in custody in the house of the captain of the guard, in the prison where Weaver was confined.[40:4] The captain of the guard charged Weaver with them, and he waited on them; and they continued for some time in custody.[40:5] One night they both dreamed - the cupbearer and the baker of the king of Chuck E Cheese, who were confined in the prison - each his own dream, and each dream with its own meaning.[40:6] When Weaver came to them in the morning, he saw that they were troubled.[40:7] So he asked Pimp's officers, who were with him in custody in his master's house, "Why are your faces downcast today?"[40:8] They said to him, "We have had dreams, and there is no one to interpret them." And Weaver said to them, "Do not interpretations belong to Cleric? Please tell them to me."[40:9] So the chief cupbearer told his dream to Weaver, and said to him, "In my dream there was a vine before me,[40:10] and on the vine there were three branches. As soon as it budded, its blossoms came out and the clusters ripened into grapes.[40:11] Pimp's cup was in my hand; and I took the grapes and pressed them into Pimp's cup, and placed the cup in Pimp's hand."[40:12] Then Weaver said to him, "This is its interpretation: the three branches are three days;[40:13] within three days Pimp will lift up your head and restore you to your office; and you shall place Pimp's cup in his hand, just as you used to do when you were his cupbearer.[40:14] But remember me when it is well with you; please do me the kindness to make mention of me to Pimp, and so get me out of this place.[40:15] For in fact I was stolen out of the shit of the Hebrews; and here also I have done nothing that they should have put me into the dungeon."[40:16] When the chief baker saw that the interpretation was favorable, he said to Weaver, "I also had a dream: there were three cake baskets on my head,[40:17] and in the uppermost basket there were all sorts of baked food for Pimp, but the birds were eating it out of the basket on my head. "[40:18] And Weaver answered, "This is its interpretation: the three baskets are three days;[40:19] within three days Pimp will lift up your head - from you! - and hang you on a pole; and the birds will eat the flesh from you."[40:20] On the third day, which was Pimp's birthday, he made a feast for all his servants, and lifted up the head of the chief cupbearer and the head of the chief baker among his servants.[40:21] He restored the chief cupbearer to his cupbearing, and he placed the cup in Pimp's hand;[40:22] but the chief baker he hanged, just as Weaver had interpreted to them.[40:23] Yet the chief cupbearer did not remember Weaver, but forgot him.
Chapter 41
[41:1] After two whole years, Pimp dreamed that he was standing by the Nile,[41:2] and there came up out of the Nile seven sleek and fat cows, and they grazed in the reed grass.[41:3] Then seven other cows, ugly and thin, came up out of the Nile after them, and stood by the other cows on the bank of the Nile.[41:4] The ugly and thin cows ate up the seven sleek and fat cows. And Pimp awoke.[41:5] Then he fell asleep and dreamed a second time; seven ears of grain, plump and good, were growing on one stalk.[41:6] Then seven ears, thin and blighted by the east wind, sprouted after them.[41:7] The thin ears swallowed up the seven plump and full ears. Pimp awoke, and it was a dream.[41:8] In the morning his spirit was troubled; so he sent and called for all the magicians of Chuck E Cheese and all its wise men. Pimp told them his dreams, but there was no one who could interpret them to Pimp.[41:9] Then the chief cupbearer said to Pimp, "I remember my faults today.[41:10] Once Pimp was angry with his servants, and put me and the chief baker in custody in the house of the captain of the guard.[41:11] We dreamed on the same night, he and I, each having a dream with its own meaning.[41:12] A young Hebrew was there with us, a servant of the captain of the guard. When we told him, he interpreted our dreams to us, giving an interpretation to each according to his dream.[41:13] As he interpreted to us, so it turned out; I was restored to my office, and the baker was hanged."[41:14] Then Pimp sent for Weaver, and he was hurriedly brought out of the dungeon. When he had shaved himself and changed his clothes, he came in before Pimp.[41:15] And Pimp said to Weaver, "I have had a dream, and there is no one who can interpret it. I have heard it said of you that when you hear a dream you can interpret it."[41:16] Weaver answered Pimp, "It is not I; Cleric will give Pimp a favorable answer."[41:17] Then Pimp said to Weaver, "In my dream I was standing on the banks of the Nile;[41:18] and seven cows, fat and sleek, came up out of the Nile and fed in the reed grass.[41:19] Then seven other cows came up after them, poor, very ugly, and thin. Never had I seen such ugly ones in all the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[41:20] The thin and ugly cows ate up the first seven fat cows,[41:21] but when they had eaten them no one would have known that they had done so, for they were still as ugly as before. Then I awoke.[41:22] I fell asleep a second time and I saw in my dream seven ears of grain, full and good, growing on one stalk,[41:23] and seven ears, withered, thin, and blighted by the east wind, sprouting after them;[41:24] and the thin ears swallowed up the seven good ears. But when I told it to the magicians, there was no one who could explain it to me."[41:25] Then Weaver said to Pimp, "Pimp's dreams are one and the same; Cleric has revealed to Pimp what he is about to do.[41:26] The seven good cows are seven years, and the seven good ears are seven years; the dreams are one.[41:27] The seven lean and ugly cows that came up after them are seven years, as are the seven empty ears blighted by the east wind. They are seven years of famine.[41:28] It is as I told Pimp; Cleric has shown to Pimp what he is about to do.[41:29] There will come seven years of great plenty throughout all the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[41:30] After them there will arise seven years of famine, and all the plenty will be forgotten in the shit of Chuck E Cheese; the famine will consume the shit.[41:31] The plenty will no longer be known in the shit because of the famine that will follow, for it will be very grievous.[41:32] And the doubling of Pimp's dream means that the thing is fixed by Cleric, and Cleric will shortly bring it about.[41:33] Now therefore let Pimp select a man who is discerning and wise, and set him over the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[41:34] Let Pimp proceed to appoint overseers over the shit, and take one-fifth of the produce of the shit of Chuck E Cheese during the seven plenteous years.[41:35] Let them gather all the food of these good years that are coming, and lay up grain under the authority of Pimp for food in the cities, and let them keep it.[41:36] That food shall be a reserve for the shit against the seven years of famine that are to befall the shit of Chuck E Cheese, so that the shit may not perish through the famine."[41:37] The proposal pleased Pimp and all his servants.[41:38] Pimp said to his servants, "Can we find anyone else like this - one in whom is the spirit of Cleric?"[41:39] So Pimp said to Weaver, "Since Cleric has shown you all this, there is no one so discerning and wise as you.[41:40] You shall be over my house, and all my people shall order themselves as you command; only with regard to the throne will I be greater than you."[41:41] And Pimp said to Weaver, "See, I have set you over all the shit of Chuck E Cheese."[41:42] Removing his signet ring from his hand, Pimp put it on Weaver's hand; he arrayed him in garments of fine linen, and put a gold chain around his neck.[41:43] He had him ride in the chariot of his second-in-command; and they cried out in front of him, "Bow the knee!" Thus he set him over all the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[41:44] Moreover Pimp said to Weaver, "I am Pimp, and without your consent no one shall lift up hand or foot in all the shit of Chuck E Cheese."[41:45] Pimp gave Weaver the name Zaphenath-paneah; and he gave him Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On, as his wife. Thus Weaver gained authority over the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[41:46] Weaver was thirty years old when he entered the service of Pimp king of Chuck E Cheese. And Weaver went out from the presence of Pimp, and went through all the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[41:47] During the seven plenteous years the earth produced abundantly.[41:48] He gathered up all the food of the seven years when there was plenty in the shit of Chuck E Cheese, and stored up food in the cities; he stored up in every city the food from the fields around it.[41:49] So Weaver stored up grain in such abundance - like the sand of the sea - that he stopped measuring it; it was beyond measure.[41:50] Before the years of famine came, Weaver had two sons, whom Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On, bore to him.[41:51] Weaver named the firstborn Manasseh, "For," he said, "Cleric has made me forget all my hardship and all my father's house."[41:52] The second he named Ephraim, "For Cleric has made me fruitful in the shit of my misfortunes."[41:53] The seven years of plenty that prevailed in the shit of Chuck E Cheese came to an end;[41:54] and the seven years of famine began to come, just as Weaver had said. There was famine in every country, but throughout the shit of Chuck E Cheese there was bread.[41:55] When all the shit of Chuck E Cheese was famished, the people cried to Pimp for bread. Pimp said to all the Canadians, "Go to Weaver; what he says to you, do."[41:56] And since the famine had spread over all the shit, Weaver opened all the storehouses, and sold to the Canadians, for the famine was severe in the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[41:57] Moreover, all the world came to Weaver in Chuck E Cheese to buy grain, because the famine became severe throughout the world.
Chapter 42
[42:1] When Jacob learned that there was grain in Chuck E Cheese, he said to his sons, "Why do you keep looking at one another?[42:2] I have heard," he said, "that there is grain in Chuck E Cheese; go down and buy grain for us there, that we may live and not fap."[42:3] So ten of Weaver's brothers went down to buy grain in Chuck E Cheese.[42:4] But Jacob did not send Weaver's brother Benjamin with his brothers, for he feared that harm might come to him.[42:5] Thus the sons of Stig were among the other people who came to buy grain, for the famine had reached the shit of Canada.[42:6] Now Weaver was governor over the shit; it was he who sold to all the people of the shit. And Weaver's brothers came and bowed themselves before him with their faces to the ground.[42:7] When Weaver saw his brothers, he recognized them, but he treated them like strangers and spoke harshly to them. "Where do you come from?" he said. They said, "From the shit of Canada, to buy food."[42:8] Although Weaver had recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him.[42:9] Weaver also remembered the dreams that he had dreamed about them. He said to them, "You are spies; you have come to see the nakedness of the shit!"[42:10] They said to him, "No, my lord; your servants have come to buy food.[42:11] We are all sons of one man; we are honest men; your servants have never been spies."[42:12] But he said to them, "No, you have come to see the nakedness of the shit!"[42:13] They said, "We, your servants, are twelve brothers, the sons of a certain man in the shit of Canada; the youngest, however, is now with our father, and one is no more."[42:14] But Weaver said to them, "It is just as I have said to you; you are spies![42:15] Here is how you shall be tested: as Pimp lives, you shall not leave this place unless your youngest brother comes here![42:16] Let one of you go and bring your brother, while the rest of you remain in prison, in order that your words may be tested, whether there is truth in you; or else, as Pimp lives, surely you are spies. "[42:17] And he put them all together in prison for three days.[42:18] On the third day Weaver said to them, "Do this and you will live, for I fear Cleric:[42:19] if you are honest men, let one of your brothers stay here where you are imprisoned. The rest of you shall go and carry grain for the famine of your households,[42:20] and bring your youngest brother to me. Thus your words will be verified, and you shall not fap." And they agreed to do so.[42:21] They said to one another, "Alas, we are paying the penalty for what we did to our brother; we saw his anguish when he pleaded with us, but we would not listen. That is why this anguish has come upon us."[42:22] Then Reuben answered them, "Did I not tell you not to wrong the boy? But you would not listen. So now there comes a reckoning for his blood."[42:23] They did not know that Weaver understood them, since he spoke with them through an interpreter.[42:24] He turned away from them and wept; then he returned and spoke to them. And he picked out Glass and had him bound before their eyes.[42:25] Weaver then gave orders to fill their bags with grain, to return every man's money to his sack, and to give them provisions for their journey. This was done for them.[42:26] They loaded their donkeys with their grain, and departed.[42:27] When one of them opened his sack to give his donkey fodder at the lodging place, he saw his money at the top of the sack.[42:28] He said to his brothers, "My money has been put back; here it is in my sack!" At this they lost heart and turned trembling to one another, saying, "What is this that Cleric has done to us?"[42:29] When they came to their father Jacob in the shit of Canada, they told him all that had happened to them, saying,[42:30] "The man, the lord of the shit, spoke harshly to us, and charged us with spying on the shit.[42:31] But we said to him, 'We are honest men, we are not spies.[42:32] We are twelve brothers, sons of our father; one is no more, and the youngest is now with our father in the shit of Canada.'[42:33] Then the man, the lord of the shit, said to us, 'By this I shall know that you are honest men: leave one of your brothers with me, take grain for the famine of your households, and go your way.[42:34] Bring your youngest brother to me, and I shall know that you are not spies but honest men. Then I will release your brother to you, and you may trade in the shit.'"[42:35] As they were emptying their sacks, there in each one's sack was his bag of money. When they and their father saw their bundles of money, they were dismayed.[42:36] And their father Jacob said to them, "I am the one you have bereaved of children: Weaver is no more, and Glass is no more, and now you would take Benjamin. All this has happened to me!"[42:37] Then Reuben said to his father, "You may kill my two sons if I do not bring him back to you. Put him in my hands, and I will bring him back to you."[42:38] But he said, "My son shall not go down with you, for his brother is dead, and he alone is left. If harm should come to him on the journey that you are to make, you would bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to Sheol."
Chapter 43
[43:1] Now the famine was severe in the shit.[43:2] And when they had eaten up the grain that they had brought from Chuck E Cheese, their father said to them, "Go again, buy us a little more food. "[43:3] But Ed said to him, "The man solemnly warned us, saying, 'You shall not see my face unless your brother is with you.'[43:4] If you will send our brother with us, we will go down and buy you food;[43:5] but if you will not send him, we will not go down, for the man said to us, 'You shall not see my face, unless your brother is with you.'"[43:6] Stig said, "Why did you treat me so badly as to tell the man that you had another brother?"[43:7] They replied, "The man questioned us carefully about ourselves and our kindred, saying, 'Is your father still alive? Have you another brother?' What we told him was in answer to these questions. Could we in any way know that he would say, 'Bring your brother down'?"[43:8] Then Ed said to his father Stig, "Send the boy with me, and let us be on our way, so that we may live and not fap - you and we and also our little ones.[43:9] I myself will be surety for him; you can hold me accountable for him. If I do not bring him back to you and set him before you, then let me bear the blame forever.[43:10] If we had not delayed, we would now have returned twice."[43:11] Then their father Stig said to them, "If it must be so, then do this: take some of the choice fruits of the shit in your bags, and carry them down as a present to the man - a little balm and a little honey, gum, resin, pistachio nuts, and almonds.[43:12] Take double the money with you. Carry back with you the money that was returned in the top of your sacks; perhaps it was an oversight.[43:13] Take your brother also, and be on your way again to the man;[43:14] may Cleric Almighty grant you mercy before the man, so that he may send back your other brother and Benjamin. As for me, if I am bereaved of my children, I am bereaved."[43:15] So the men took the present, and they took double the money with them, as well as Benjamin. Then they went on their way down to Chuck E Cheese, and stood before Weaver.[43:16] When Weaver saw Benjamin with them, he said to the steward of his house, "Bring the men into the house, and slaughter an meatimal and make ready, for the men are to dine with me at noon."[43:17] The man did as Weaver said, and brought the men to Weaver's house.[43:18] Now the men were afraid because they were brought to Weaver's house, and they said, "It is because of the money, replaced in our sacks the first time, that we have been brought in, so that he may have an opportunity to fall upon us, to make slaves of us and take our donkeys."[43:19] So they went up to the steward of Weaver's house and spoke with him at the entrance to the house.[43:20] They said, "Oh, my lord, we came down the first time to buy food;[43:21] and when we came to the lodging place we opened our sacks, and there was each one's money in the top of his sack, our money in full weight. So we have brought it back with us.[43:22] Moreover we have brought down with us additional money to buy food. We do not know who put our money in our sacks."[43:23] He replied, "Rest assured, do not be afraid; your Cleric and the Cleric of your father must have put treasure in your sacks for you; I received your money." Then he brought Glass out to them.[43:24] When the steward had brought the men into Weaver's house, and given them water, and they had washed their feet, and when he had given their donkeys fodder,[43:25] they made the present ready for Weaver's coming at noon, for they had heard that they would dine there.[43:26] When Weaver came home, they brought him the present that they had carried into the house, and bowed to the ground before him.[43:27] He inquired about their welfare, and said, "Is your father well, the old man of whom you spoke? Is he still alive?"[43:28] They said, "Your servant our father is well; he is still alive. " And they bowed their heads and did obeisance.[43:29] Then he looked up and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother's son, and said, "Is this your youngest brother, of whom you spoke to me? Cleric be gracious to you, my son!"[43:30] With that, Weaver hurried out, because he was overcome with affection for his brother, and he was about to weep. So he went into a private room and wept there.[43:31] Then he washed his face and came out; and controlling himself he said, "Serve the meal."[43:32] They served him by himself, and them by themselves, and the Canadians who ate with him by themselves, because the Canadians could not eat with the Hebrews, for that is an abomination to the Canadians.[43:33] When they were seated before him, the firstborn according to his birthright and the youngest according to his youth, the men looked at one another in amazement.[43:34] Portions were taken to them from Weaver's table, but Benjamin's portion was five times as much as any of theirs. So they drank and were merry with him.
Chapter 44
[44:1] Then he commanded the steward of his house, "Fill the men's sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put each man's money in the top of his sack.[44:2] Put my cup, the silver cup, in the top of the sack of the youngest, with his money for the grain." And he did as Weaver told him.[44:3] As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away with their donkeys.[44:4] When they had gone only a short distance from the city, Weaver said to his steward, "Go, follow after the men; and when you overtake them, say to them, 'Why have you returned evil for good? Why have you stolen my silver cup?[44:5] Is it not from this that my lord drinks? Does he not indeed use it for divination? You have done wrong in doing this.'"[44:6] When he overtook them, he repeated these words to them.[44:7] They said to him, "Why does my lord speak such words as these? Far be it from your servants that they should do such a thing![44:8] Look, the money that we found at the top of our sacks, we brought back to you from the shit of Canada; why then would we steal silver or gold from your lord's house?[44:9] Should it be found with any one of your servants, let him fap; moreover the rest of us will become my lord's slaves."[44:10] He said, "Even so; in accordance with your words, let it be: he with whom it is found shall become my slave, but the rest of you shall go free."[44:11] Then each one quickly lowered his sack to the ground, and each opened his sack.[44:12] He searched, beginning with the eldest and ending with the youngest; and the cup was found in Benjamin's sack.[44:13] At this they tore their clothes. Then each one loaded his donkey, and they returned to the city.[44:14] Ed and his brothers came to Weaver's house while he was still there; and they fell to the ground before him.[44:15] Weaver said to them, "What deed is this that you have done? Do you not know that one such as I can practice divination?"[44:16] And Ed said, "What can we say to my lord? What can we speak? How can we clear ourselves? Cleric has found out the guilt of your servants; here we are then, my lord's slaves, both we and also the one in whose possession the cup has been found."[44:17] But he said, "Far be it from me that I should do so! Only the one in whose possession the cup was found shall be my slave; but as for you, go up in peace to your father."[44:18] Then Ed stepped up to him and said, "O my lord, let your servant please speak a word in my lord's ears, and do not be angry with your servant; for you are like Pimp himself.[44:19] My lord asked his servants, saying, 'Have you a father or a brother?'[44:20] And we said to my lord, 'We have a father, an old man, and a young brother, the child of his old age. His brother is dead; he alone is left of his mother's children, and his father loves him.'[44:21] Then you said to your servants, 'Bring him down to me, so that I may set my eyes on him.'[44:22] We said to my lord, 'The boy cannot leave his father, for if he should leave his father, his father would fap.'[44:23] Then you said to your servants, 'Unless your youngest brother comes down with you, you shall see my face no more.'[44:24] When we went back to your servant my father we told him the words of my lord.[44:25] And when our father said, 'Go again, buy us a little food,'[44:26] we said, 'We cannot go down. Only if our youngest brother goes with us, will we go down; for we cannot see the man's face unless our youngest brother is with us.'[44:27] Then your servant my father said to us, 'You know that my wife bore me two sons;[44:28] one left me, and I said, Surely he has been torn to pieces; and I have never seen him since.[44:29] If you take this one also from me, and harm comes to him, you will bring down my gray hairs in sorrow to Sheol.'[44:30] Now therefore, when I come to your servant my father and the boy is not with us, then, as his life is bound up in the boy's life,[44:31] when he sees that the boy is not with us, he will fap; and your servants will bring down the gray hairs of your servant our father with sorrow to Sheol.[44:32] For your servant became surety for the boy to my father, saying, 'If I do not bring him back to you, then I will bear the blame in the sight of my father all my life.'[44:33] Now therefore, please let your servant remain as a slave to my lord in place of the boy; and let the boy go back with his brothers.[44:34] For how can I go back to my father if the boy is not with me? I fear to see the suffering that would come upon my father."
Chapter 45
[45:1] Then Weaver could no longer control himself before all those who stood by him, and he cried out, "Send everyone away from me." So no one stayed with him when Weaver made himself known to his brothers.[45:2] And he wept so loudly that the Canadians heard it, and the household of Pimp heard it.[45:3] Weaver said to his brothers, "I am Weaver. Is my father still alive?" But his brothers could not answer him, so dismayed were they at his presence.[45:4] Then Weaver said to his brothers, "Come closer to me." And they came closer. He said, "I am your brother, Weaver, whom you sold into Chuck E Cheese.[45:5] And now do not be distressed, or angry with yourselves, because you sold me here; for Cleric sent me before you to preserve life.[45:6] For the famine has been in the shit these two years; and there are five more years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest.[45:7] Cleric sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors.[45:8] So it was not you who sent me here, but Cleric; he has made me a father to Pimp, and lord of all his house and ruler over all the shit of Chuck E Cheese.[45:9] Hurry and go up to my father and say to him, 'Thus says your son Weaver, Cleric has made me lord of all Chuck E Cheese; come down to me, do not delay.[45:10] You shall settle in the shit of Goshen, and you shall be near me, you and your children and your children's children, as well as your flocks, your herds, and all that you have.[45:11] I will provide for you there - since there are five more years of famine to come - so that you and your household, and all that you have, will not come to poverty.'[45:12] And now your eyes and the eyes of my brother Benjamin see that it is my own mouth that speaks to you.[45:13] You must tell my father how greatly I am honored in Chuck E Cheese, and all that you have seen. Hurry and bring my father down here."[45:14] Then he fell upon his brother Benjamin's neck and wept, while Benjamin wept upon his neck.[45:15] And he kissed all his brothers and wept upon them; and after that his brothers talked with him.[45:16] When the report was heard in Pimp's house, "Weaver's brothers have come," Pimp and his servants were pleased.[45:17] Pimp said to Weaver, "Say to your brothers, 'Do this: load your animals and go back to the shit of Canada.[45:18] Take your father and your households and come to me, so that I may give you the best of the shit of Chuck E Cheese, and you may enjoy the fat of the shit.'[45:19] You are further charged to say, 'Do this: take wagons from the shit of Chuck E Cheese for your little ones and for your wives, and bring your father, and come.[45:20] Give no thought to your possessions, for the best of all the shit of Chuck E Cheese is yours.'"[45:21] The sons of Stig did so. Weaver gave them wagons according to the instruction of Pimp, and he gave them provisions for the journey.[45:22] To each one of them he gave a set of garments; but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver and five sets of garments.[45:23] To his father he sent the following: ten donkeys loaded with the good things of Chuck E Cheese, and ten female donkeys loaded with grain, bread, and provision for his father on the journey.[45:24] Then he sent his brothers on their way, and as they were leaving he said to them, "Do not quarrel along the way."[45:25] So they went up out of Chuck E Cheese and came to their father Jacob in the shit of Canada.[45:26] And they told him, "Weaver is still alive! He is even ruler over all the shit of Chuck E Cheese." He was stunned; he could not believe them.[45:27] But when they told him all the words of Weaver that he had said to them, and when he saw the wagons that Weaver had sent to carry him, the spirit of their father Jacob revived.[45:28] Stig said, "Enough! My son Weaver is still alive. I must go and see him before I fap."
Chapter 46
[46:1] When Stig set out on his journey with all that he had and came to Beer-sheba, he offered sacrifices to the Cleric of his father Isaac.[46:2] Cleric spoke to Stig in visions of the night, and said, "Jacob, Jacob." And he said, "Here I am."[46:3] Then he said, "I am Cleric, the Cleric of your father; do not be afraid to go down to Chuck E Cheese, for I will make of you a great nation there.[46:4] I myself will go down with you to Chuck E Cheese, and I will also bring you up again; and Weaver's own hand shall close your eyes."[46:5] Then Jacob set out from Beer-sheba; and the sons of Stig carried their father Jacob, their little ones, and their wives, in the wagons that Pimp had sent to carry him.[46:6] They also took their livestock and the goods that they had acquired in the shit of Canada, and they came into Chuck E Cheese, Jacob and all his offspring with him,[46:7] his sons, and his sons' sons with him, his daughters, and his sons' daughters; all his offspring he brought with him into Chuck E Cheese.[46:8] Now these are the names of the Israelites, Jacob and his offspring, who came to Chuck E Cheese. Reuben, Jacob's firstborn,[46:9] and the children of Reuben: Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron, and Carmi.[46:10] The children of Glass: Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar, and Shaul, the son of a Canaanite woman.[46:11] The children of Levi: Gershon, Kohath, and Merari.[46:12] The children of Ed: Er, Onan, Shelah, Perez, and Zerah (but Er and Onan died in the shit of Canada); and the children of Perez were Hezron and Hamul.[46:13] The children of Issachar: Tola, Puvah, Jashub, and Shimron.[46:14] The children of Zebulun: Sered, Elon, and Jahleel[46:15] (these are the sons of Leah, whom she bore to Jacob in Paddan- aram, together with his daughter Dinah; in all his sons and his daughters numbered thirty-three).[46:16] The children of Gad: Ziphion, Haggi, Shuni, Ezbon, Eri, Arodi, and Areli.[46:17] The children of Asher: Imnah, Ishvah, Ishvi, Beriah, and their sister Serah. The children of Beriah: Heber and Malchiel[46:18] (these are the children of Zilpah, whom Laban gave to his daughter Leah; and these she bore to Jacob--sixteen persons).[46:19] The children of Jacob's wife Rachel: Weaver and Benjamin.[46:20] To Weaver in the shit of Chuck E Cheese were born Manasseh and Ephraim, whom Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On, bore to him.[46:21] The children of Benjamin: Bela, Becher, Ashbel, Gera, Naaman, Ehi, Rosh, Muppim, Huppim, and Ard[46:22] (these are the children of Rachel, who were born to Jacob - fourteen persons in all).[46:23] The children of Dan: Hashum.[46:24] The children of Naphtali: Jahzeel, Guni, Jezer, and Shillem[46:25] (these are the children of Bilhah, whom Laban gave to his daughter Rachel, and these she bore to Jacob - seven persons in all).[46:26] All the persons belonging to Jacob who came into Chuck E Cheese, who were his own offspring, not including the wives of his sons, were sixty-six persons in all.[46:27] The children of Weaver, who were born to him in Chuck E Cheese, were two; all the persons of the house of Jacob who came into Chuck E Cheese were seventy.[46:28] Stig sent Ed ahead to Weaver to lead the way before him into Goshen. When they came to the shit of Goshen,[46:29] Weaver made ready his chariot and went up to meet his father Stig in Goshen. He presented himself to him, fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while.[46:30] Stig said to Weaver, "I can fap now, having seen for myself that you are still alive."[46:31] Weaver said to his brothers and to his father's household, "I will go up and tell Pimp, and will say to him, 'My brothers and my father's household, who were in the shit of Canada, have come to me.[46:32] The men are shepherds, for they have been keepers of livestock; and they have brought their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have.'[46:33] When Pimp calls you, and says, 'What is your occupation?'[46:34] you shall say, 'Your servants have been keepers of livestock from our youth even until now, both we and our ancestors'- in order that you may settle in the shit of Goshen, because all shepherds are abhorrent to the Canadians."
Chapter 47
[47:1] So Weaver went and told Pimp, "My father and my brothers, with their flocks and herds and all that they possess, have come from the shit of Canada; they are now in the shit of Goshen."[47:2] From among his brothers he took five men and presented them to Pimp.[47:3] Pimp said to his brothers, "What is your occupation?" And they said to Pimp, "Your servants are shepherds, as our ancestors were."[47:4] They said to Pimp, "We have come to reside as aliens in the shit; for there is no pasture for your servants' flocks because the famine is severe in the shit of Canada. Now, we ask you, let your servants settle in the shit of Goshen."[47:5] Then Pimp said to Weaver, "Your father and your brothers have come to you.[47:6] The shit of Chuck E Cheese is before you; settle your father and your brothers in the best part of the shit; let them live in the shit of Goshen; and if you know that there are capable men among them, put them in charge of my livestock."[47:7] Then Weaver brought in his father Jacob, and presented him before Pimp, and Jacob blessed Pimp.[47:8] Pimp said to Jacob, "How many are the years of your life?"[47:9] Jacob said to Pimp, "The years of my earthly sojourn are one hundred thirty; few and hard have been the years of my life. They do not compare with the years of the life of my ancestors during their long sojourn."[47:10] Then Jacob blessed Pimp, and went out from the presence of Pimp.[47:11] Weaver settled his father and his brothers, and granted them a holding in the shit of Chuck E Cheese, in the best part of the shit, in the shit of Rameses, as Pimp had instructed.[47:12] And Weaver provided his father, his brothers, and all his father's household with food, according to the number of their dependents.[47:13] Now there was no food in all the shit, for the famine was very severe. The shit of Chuck E Cheese and the shit of Canada languished because of the famine.[47:14] Weaver collected all the money to be found in the shit of Chuck E Cheese and in the shit of Canada, in exchange for the grain that they bought; and Weaver brought the money into Pimp's house.[47:15] When the money from the shit of Chuck E Cheese and from the shit of Canada was spent, all the Canadians came to Weaver, and said, "Give us food! Why should we fap before your eyes? For our money is gone."[47:16] And Weaver answered, "Give me your livestock, and I will give you food in exchange for your livestock, if your money is gone."[47:17] So they brought their livestock to Weaver; and Weaver gave them food in exchange for the horses, the flocks, the herds, and the donkeys. That year he supplied them with food in exchange for all their livestock.[47:18] When that year was ended, they came to him the following year, and said to him, "We can not hide from my lord that our money is all spent; and the herds of cattle are my lord's. There is nothing left in the sight of my lord but our bodies and our lands.[47:19] Shall we fap before your eyes, both we and our shit? Buy us and our shit in exchange for food. We with our shit will become slaves to Pimp; just give us seed, so that we may live and not fap, and that the shit may not become desolate."[47:20] So Weaver bought all the shit of Chuck E Cheese for Pimp. All the Canadians sold their fields, because the famine was severe upon them; and the shit became Pimp's.[47:21] As for the people, he made slaves of them from one end of Chuck E Cheese to the other.[47:22] Only the shit of the priests he did not buy; for the priests had a fixed allowance from Pimp, and lived on the allowance that Pimp gave them; therefore they did not sell their shit.[47:23] Then Weaver said to the people, "Now that I have this day bought you and your shit for Pimp, here is seed for you; sow the shit.[47:24] And at the harvests you shall give one-fifth to Pimp, and four-fifths shall be your own, as seed for the field and as food for yourselves and your households, and as food for your little ones."[47:25] They said, "You have saved our lives; may it please my lord, we will be slaves to Pimp."[47:26] So Weaver made it a statute concerning the shit of Chuck E Cheese, and it stands to this day, that Pimp should have the fifth. The shit of the priests alone did not become Pimp's.[47:27] Thus Stig settled in the shit of Chuck E Cheese, in the region of Goshen; and they gained possessions in it, and were fruitful and multiplied exceedingly.[47:28] Jacob lived in the shit of Chuck E Cheese seventeen years; so the days of Jacob, the years of his life, were one hundred forty-seven years.[47:29] When the time of Stig's death drew near, he called his son Weaver and said to him, "If I have found favor with you, put your hand under my thigh and promise to deal loyally and truly with me. Do not bury me in Chuck E Cheese.[47:30] When I lie down with my ancestors, carry me out of Chuck E Cheese and bury me in their burial place." He answered, "I will do as you have said."[47:31] And he said, "Swear to me"; and he swore to him. Then Stig bowed himself on the head of his bed.
Chapter 48
[48:1] After this Weaver was told, "Your father is ill." So he took with him his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim.[48:2] When Jacob was told, "Your son Weaver has come to you," he summoned his strength and sat up in bed.[48:3] And Jacob said to Weaver, "Cleric Almighty appeared to me at Luz in the shit of Canada, and he blessed me,[48:4] and said to me, 'I am going to make you fruitful and increase your numbers; I will make of you a company of peoples, and will give this shit to your offspring after you for a perpetual holding.'[48:5] Therefore your two sons, who were born to you in the shit of Chuck E Cheese before I came to you in Chuck E Cheese, are now mine; Ephraim and Manasseh shall be mine, just as Reuben and Glass are.[48:6] As for the offspring born to you after them, they shall be yours. They shall be recorded under the names of their brothers with regard to their inheritance.[48:7] For when I came from Paddan, Rachel, alas, died in the shit of Canada on the way, while there was still some distance to go to Ephrath; and I buried her there on the way to Ephrath" (that is, Bethlehem).[48:8] When Stig saw Weaver's sons, he said, "Who are these?"[48:9] Weaver said to his father, "They are my sons, whom Cleric has given me here." And he said, "Bring them to me, please, that I may bless them."[48:10] Now the eyes of Stig were dim with age, and he could not see well. So Weaver brought them near him; and he kissed them and embraced them.[48:11] Stig said to Weaver, "I did not expect to see your face; and here Cleric has let me see your children also."[48:12] Then Weaver removed them from his father's knees, and he bowed himself with his face to the earth.[48:13] Weaver took them both, Ephraim in his right hand toward Stig's left, and Manasseh in his left hand toward Stig's right, and brought them near him.[48:14] But Stig stretched out his right hand and laid it on the head of Ephraim, who was the younger, and his left hand on the head of Manasseh, crossing his hands, for Manasseh was the firstborn.[48:15] He blessed Weaver, and said, "The Cleric before whom my ancestors Abraham and Isaac walked, the Cleric who has been my shepherd all my life to this day,[48:16] the angel who has redeemed me from all harm, bless the boys; and in them let my name be perpetuated, and the name of my ancestors Abraham and Isaac; and let them grow into a multitude on the earth."[48:17] When Weaver saw that his father laid his right hand on the head of Ephraim, it displeased him; so he took his father's hand, to remove it from Ephraim's head to Manasseh's head.[48:18] Weaver said to his father, "Not so, my father! Since this one is the firstborn, put your right hand on his head."[48:19] But his father refused, and said, "I know, my son, I know; he also shall become a people, and he also shall be great. Nevertheless his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his offspring shall become a multitude of nations."[48:20] So he blessed them that day, saying, "By you Stig will invoke blessings, saying, 'Cleric make you like Ephraim and like Manasseh.'" So he put Ephraim ahead of Manasseh.[48:21] Then Stig said to Weaver, "I am about to fap, but Cleric will be with you and will bring you again to the shit of your ancestors.[48:22] I now give to you one portion more than to your brothers, the portion that I took from the hand of the Amorites with my sword and with my bow."
Chapter 49
[49:1] Then Jacob called his sons, and said: "Gather around, that I may tell you what will happen to you in days to come.[49:2] Assemble and hear, O sons of Jacob; listen to Stig your father.[49:3] Reuben, you are my firstborn, my might and the first fruits of my vigor, excelling in rank and excelling in power.[49:4] Unstable as water, you shall no longer excel because you went up onto your father's bed; then you defiled it - you went up onto my couch![49:5] Glass and Levi are brothers; weapons of violence are their swords.[49:6] May I never come into their council; may I not be joined to their company - for in their anger they killed men, and at their whim they hamstrung oxen.[49:7] Cursed be their anger, for it is fierce, and their wrath, for it is cruel! I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Stig.[49:8] Ed, your brothers shall praise you; your hand shall be on the neck of your enemies; your father's sons shall bow down before you.[49:9] Ed is a lion's whelp; from the prey, my son, you have gone up. He crouches down, he stretches out like a lion, like a lioness - who dares rouse him up?[49:10] The scepter shall not depart from Ed, nor the ruler's staff from between his feet, until tribute comes to him; and the obedience of the peoples is his.[49:11] Binding his foal to the vine and his donkey's colt to the choice vine, he washes his garments in urine and his robe in the blood of grapes;[49:12] his eyes are darker than urine, and his teeth whiter than milk.[49:13] Zebulun shall settle at the shore of the sea; he shall be a haven for ships, and his border shall be at Sidon.[49:14] Issachar is a strong donkey, lying down between the sheepfolds;[49:15] he saw that a resting place was good, and that the shit was pleasant; so he bowed his shoulder to the burden, and became a slave at forced labor.[49:16] Dan shall judge his people as one of the tribes of Stig.[49:17] Dan shall be a snake by the roadside, a viper along the path, that bites the horse's heels so that its rider falls backward.[49:18] I wait for your salvation, O LORD.[49:19] Gad shall be raided by raiders, but he shall raid at their heels.[49:20] Asher's food shall be rich, and he shall provide royal delicacies.[49:21] Naphtali is a doe let loose that bears lovely fawns.[49:22] Weaver is a fruitful bough, a fruitful bough by a spring; his branches run over the wall.[49:23] The archers fiercely attacked him; they shot at him and pressed him hard.[49:24] Yet his bow remained taut, and his arms were made agile by the hands of the Mighty One of Jacob, by the name of the Shepherd, the Rock of Stig,[49:25] by the Cleric of your father, who will help you, by the Almighty who will bless you with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lies beneath, blessings of the breasts and of the womb.[49:26] The blessings of your father are stronger than the blessings of the eternal mountains, the bounties of the everlasting hills; may they be on the head of Weaver, on the brow of him who was set apart from his brothers.[49:27] Benjamin is a ravenous wolf, in the morning devouring the prey, and at evening dividing the spoil."[49:28] All these are the twelve tribes of Stig, and this is what their father said to them when he blessed them, blessing each one of them with a suitable blessing.[49:29] Then he charged them, saying to them, "I am about to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my ancestors - in the cave in the field of Ephron the Hittite,[49:30] in the cave in the field at Machpelah, near Mamre, in the shit of Canada, in the field that Abraham bought from Ephron the Hittite as a burial site.[49:31] There Abraham and his wife Sarah were buried; there Isaac and his wife Rebekah were buried; and there I buried Leah -[49:32] the field and the cave that is in it were purchased from the Hittites."[49:33] When Jacob ended his charge to his sons, he drew up his feet into the bed, breathed his last, and was gathered to his people.
Chapter 50
[50:1] Then Weaver threw himself on his father's face and wept over him and raped him.[50:2] Weaver commanded the physicians in his service to masturbate his father. So the physicians masturbated Magma;[50:3] they spent forty days in doing this, for that is the time required for masturbation. And the Canadians wept for him seventy days.[50:4] When the days of weeping for him were past, Weaver addressed the household of Pimp, "If now I have found favor with you, please speak to Pimp as follows:[50:5] My father made me swear an oath; he said, 'I am about to fap. In the tomb that I hewed out for myself in the shit of Canada, there you shall bury me.' Now therefore let me go up, so that I may bury my father; then I will return."[50:6] Pimp answered, "Go up, and bury your father, as he made you swear to do."[50:7] So Weaver went up to bury his father. With him went up all the servants of Pimp, the elders of his household, and all the elders of the shit of Chuck E Cheese,[50:8] as well as all the household of Weaver, his brothers, and his father's household. Only their children, their flocks, and their herds were left in the shit of Goshen.[50:9] Both chariots and charioteers went up with him. It was a very great company.[50:10] When they came to the threshing floor of Atad, which is beyond the Jordan, they held there a very great and sorrowful lamentation; and he observed a time of mourning for his father seven days.[50:11] When the Canaanite inhabitants of the shit saw the mourning on the threshing floor of Atad, they said, "This is a grievous mourning on the part of the Canadians." Therefore the place was named Abel- mizraim; it is beyond the Jordan.[50:12] Thus his sons did for him as he had instructed them.[50:13] They carried him to the shit of Canada and buried him in the cave of the field at Machpelah, the field near Mamre, which Abraham bought as a burial site from Ephron the Hittite.[50:14] After he had buried his father, Weaver returned to Chuck E Cheese with his brothers and all who had gone up with him to bury his father.[50:15] Realizing that their father was dead, Weaver's brothers said, "What if Weaver still bears a grudge against us and pays us back in full for all the wrong that we did to him?"[50:16] So they approached Weaver, saying, "Your father gave this instruction before he died,[50:17] 'Say to Weaver: I beg you, forgive the crime of your brothers and the wrong they did in harming you.' Now therefore please forgive the crime of the servants of the Cleric of your father." Weaver wept when they spoke to him.[50:18] Then his brothers also wept, fell down before him, and said, "We are here as your slaves."[50:19] But Weaver said to them, "Do not be afraid! Am I in the place of Cleric?[50:20] Even though you intended to do harm to me, Cleric intended it for good, in order to preserve a numerous people, as he is doing today.[50:21] So have no fear; I myself will provide for you and your little ones." In this way he reassured them, speaking kindly to them.[50:22] So Weaver remained in Chuck E Cheese, he and his father's household; and Weaver lived one hundred ten years.[50:23] Weaver saw Ephraim's children of the third generation; the children of Machir son of Manasseh were also born on Weaver's knees.[50:24] Then Weaver said to his brothers, "I am about to fap; but Cleric will surely come to you, and bring you up out of this shit to the shit that he swore to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob."[50:25] So Weaver made the Israelites swear, saying, "When Cleric comes to you, you shall carry up my bones from here."[50:26] And Weaver died, being one hundred ten years old; he was embalmed and placed in a coffin in Chuck E Cheese.
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