Quest For The Lost Nazi Treasure (PG-13)

Forward:
I was looking through my grandfather's old WWII chest. I had seen the gray uniform and Iron Eagle medallions a thousand times before. Imagining what the world would be like if the RIGHT side had won! But on the bottom of the chest I saw something I had never seen before! A folded up piece of paper revealing a treasure map. What could it be? Gold?! Alien Artifacts?! I put everything back in the chest except for the map, his old compass, and his collection of suggestively posed pictures of David Hasselhoff and went on my quest. The Quest for The Lost Nazi Treasure!
Journal #1 The Quest Begins
I left my house with a fully packed pack packed with packing peanuts and ventured off into the wilderness. The X point on the map was in Turner's woods. Across the street from my house. "LET'S GET THIS DONE, ACE!" I shouted to myself.
Crawling prone across the leafy ground, I heard a rustling nearby. I knew something was behind me. In one swift movement i did a push-up so hard it propelled me 5ft into the air and I roundhouse kicked the predatory deer's head clean off. "Let's get this done, Ace..." I whispered to myself noticing the deer had a concealed K-Bar knife.
Walking in the forest I came to a metal hatch in the ground. It required a 3-digit pin. I thought very hard. "3-digits hmmm..." i said to myself stroking my eyebrow. I typed in 1-9-4-4 and it opened! Another clue to the treasure was on the bottom of the container. It was a note saying: This ain't Lost m8! You'll have to work harder for the treasure! I Hid the treasure in 1944 to keep it away from the Illuminati! Here's a similar map! You'll find the next clue deep in the rainforest of the Congo! GLHF M8!!! I knew what i had to do. I had to find the treasure my grandfather hid. Even if it takes me around the world.
Journal Entry #2 Hyena Den
On my way to the Congo my plane was shot down. Falling from 35,000 feet in the air should have killed me, but the night before i had prayed to Snorlax. I don't know who's responsible, but that Tweet about searching for Lost Nazi Treasure might have garnered some unwanted attention. I seem to have landed in a hyena den. I have managed to fool the brood mother into thinking i am a cub. I'll ask around, hopefully one of these hyenas can point me to the Congo. For now i have to lay low. I'll have to gain their trust, learn their language.
Update: It has been months. I've eaten nothing but decaying Zebra. They were starting to catch onto my ruse until I took a mate. Starting to lose hope.
Journal Entry #3 Congo
After a year living with the Hyenas their Elder gave me knowledge and safe passage to the Congo. I left my mate and adopted mother behind. I swore to myself i wouldn't fall in love. The journey MUST go on. I MUST find the Treasure. Upon reaching the Congo i saw a patch of Philodendron and started to eat them. I had known only the taste of raw, decaying animals for so long that anything would satiate me. "YOU!" i heard an ominous, demonic, hyperrealistic voice shout. I turned to see 5 men riding Okapis wielding swords. "We are the the Illuminati and we are after your grandfather's hidden treasure! Give us the clues!" hearing this I instinctively shouted "ILLUMINATE CUNFURMED" and ran. They were no match for my Hyena-adapted speed and agility.
After losing the Illuminati agents, i followed the map to another hatch in the ground. This one was much bigger. The lock was a tonal mechanism. Only with the correct sound would it open. I leaned in as close as i could and whispered seductively "Lassen Sie uns dies getan , Ace". The Hatch shot open showing an LSAT with targetfinder, foregrip, a silencer, and the stock upgrade. "Four attachments?! My grandfather must have been twin-glitching," i said aloud. There was also a small piece of paper with one word on it: Kyzyl
Journal Entry #4 Kyzyl, Russia
After a quick Bing search (yeah, that's right), i found Kyzyl is a small city in the mountains of Russia. I called one of my grandfather's friends and he picked me up in his custom Messerschmitt. It was candy-gloss painted purple & gold with hydraulics and peppered with cannabis decals. He opened up the cockpit in his SS uniform and said "Murdon em so reelz?" i replied "fo sho!" i told him the details and we were off to Kyzyl.
"So why are we headed to Kyzyl?" Hans said. Remembering the greatest line of dialogue ever written i replied with "I don't have time to explain why I don't have time to explain."
We got to Kyzyl to find it overrun with feral dogs. A naked man covered in melted cheese came running out of a burning building yelling at us we need to leave. Hans RKO'd him and we said in unison... "Let's get this done, Ace."
My LSAT cut through the feral dog horde while Hans carpet bombed the dogs from his Messerschmitt. We were both MLG. 
The battle of Kyzyl ended and the people rejoiced. The reign of the feral dogs had ended and we were the heroes of Kyzyl. Beautiful women offered themselves to me but i declined; "I made a special promise to a special lady" i said. "Wife? Girlfriend?" they'd ask in desperation. "No, Eva Braun. We will be reunited in Sovngarde."
Me and Hans stood atop the town's McDonald's and shouted "WHO KNOWS OF THE LOST NAZI TREASURE?" a frail voice was heard slightly above the bellowing wind. "I know, Ace." The crowd separated around an old man proudly wearing grey fatigues and a helmut. He had a Nazi flag around his neck like a cape and a mustache that rested on his shoulders. "I never thought anyone would get this far, Ace. The determination tho, Ace." he said.  I was relieved. "We need the next clue, Ace." the crowd looked in confusion. We were using the secret Nazi code to speak. "The Illuminati came and took it to their stronghold in the Gobi desert, Ace. It would be suicide to go with just you and Lance Corporal Star Sergeant Wizard First Class Hans, Esq., Ace." after hearing this Hans turned to me and said "I know just the place."
Journal Entry #5 Syndassko, Russia
"So why did you drag me out in the opposite way we should be going to this damned tundra! There's nothing here Hans!" i shouted in hyperrealistic triggeredness. "I'm going to tell you something above Top secret. If you tell anyone, we will have to tickle torture you to death... " i nodded. "There is a secret Nazi base in Syndassko. That's where we've been hiding we let a test subject or two go just so the world knows we're still here. The Yeti, Mothman, Bootman Bill, Slender, Shrek, The Rake, the list goes on." i paused, gathered what was just said. "What about the Ayy LMAOs?" i asked. "They were here long before us." We mustered a garrison of the Nazi's best Caribou Commandeering Commandos (CCC) and set off to the Gobi desert. 302 men, 301 caribous, and 1 WWII era fighter plane going against god knows what we'll be up against...
Journal Entry #6 Gobi Desert Campaign
The desert took a toll on not only the CCC but me as well. We lost 30 men to lack of swag. The dry desert isn't good for the caribou either. It had been a couple of days until we found the stronghold. At least a thousand Illuminati agents stood atop camels. The only thing standing between us and the final clue. As i was reloading my LSAT a missile flung upward and hit Hans' plane! "NUUUUU!!!" i shouted. I commanded my men to charge "LET'S GET THIS DONE, ACE!". They drew their rapiers and a battle commenced. A cacophony of gunshots, clangs, animals in the throes of death, and Tiny Tim's Living In The Sunlight was what became of the sands. Battle trumpets sounded as we won and in  large yellow writing "Victory Achieved" was emblazoned across the screen. There was blood in the sand, blood on me, blood on my men, blood on the dance floor, blood everywhere! It was just me, 10 of my men, and the Illuminati agent i had met in the Congo. I went up to him and said "YOU ARE FINISHEDururu. YOU WILL PAY FOR THE DEATH OF HANSarururu." He laughed and said "we have one final weapon Nazi scum!"
The Illuminati Agent pulled out a dead man's hand detonator and I pumped a whole LSAT box into him. "You have activated my trap card!" he said and died! Just then Comic Sans poured out of the dead Illuminati and eviscerated my men. "Oh no, Ace." I whispered to myself knowing a Nazi's true weakness is Comic Sans. "You're all diamonds now. I won't scatter your sorrow to the heartless sea." I hid behind a  Saxaul Tree for cover. I ran for the compound after tricking the Comic Sans. I barely made it. The door shut behind me and I walked into the bunker. It was completely empty save for a briefcase under a spotlight. I opened it to find the last clue and seven strange crystals. It said The treasure is in Melbourne, Ace. I left the bunker with the briefcase and to my surprise  another garrison of Nazi's were waiting for me. "A little late for backup, Ace" i said. The commander stepped forward and said "We have been looking for the treasure since 1944. Hand over the final clue."
"PLOT TWIST," I shouted "I should have known you Nazi's would turn on me." The Nazi's pointed their rifles at me. "We will not ask again..." 
I put the briefcase on the ground and opened it up. "You want the last clue, Ace. You'll get the last clue, Ace." I took out the seven chaos emeralds and went Super Saiyan and did a Twin God True Limit Break Kamehameha so hard it had the same effect as about 100 atomic explosions. Then with the last of my Ki, I flew to Melbourne, Australia.
Journal Entry #7 
I had reached the final destination. The journey was so close to over. I found the final hatch on the side of a mountain. Bigger than all the others. I thought for a moment. What if what's behind this door isn't what i expected? What if the treasure isn't worth all the trouble? So much killing, so much destruction and for what? Having to find out the Nazi's are evil, losing Hans, declining those russians girls in Kyzyl; what if it all wasn't worth it? I thought about just turning around. Leaving well enough alone, but i've come too far. I looked at the lock mechanism. It was a QWERTY keyboard. I typed in three letters:
A
C
E
I heard the lock click. I pulled it open and walked into a pitch black room. I felt around for a light and flipped the switch. I saw something i couldn't believe. Floor to ceiling were stacks upon stacks of solid gold NES cartridges of Sonic 06. In the next room were hundreds of crates of purple flavored fanta. In the last and final room was a single table. Upon that table was a single note. Upon that note was a single sentence: I am so very proud of you, Ace.
Backward
I bet you're wondering why i decided to tell you this story. Well, frankly i don't really know. Hans is gone, those russian girls still text me, the Illuminati has a bounty on my head, and the Nazi's have turned their backs on me. The Truth needs to be out there. On the internet. Seen by you, the person standing behind you, the person looking at you through the window. Some will call this a reach, the Illuminati will air a rerun of Dancing With The Adult Film Stars to distract you, and the Nazi's will act like this never happened. But you know the truth. Let's get this done, Ace.
Category:Well, that was pointless.
Category:Jornel
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Look ma, it's one of those creepypasta characters!