Zack Attack

Zack Attack were an American rock band, founded in Bayside High School, California in 1989. Consisting of members Zack Morris (guitar and vocals), Albert Clifford Slater (drums), Samuel "Screech" Powers (keyboards), Lisa Marie Turtle (bass), Jessie Spano and Kelly Kapowski (vocals), they became the most influential band of all time. Literally the single most influential band. Every single band and artist that ever emerged since was influenced by them. If you start a music career in the near future, you will automatically be influenced by them. Bands and artists that proceeded them were retroactively influenced by them.
The band's first success came in 1991 with their song Did We Ever Have A Chance, which hit #1 in all 195 countries in the entire fucking world, even those without music charts. The single sold 10 billion copies and turned the band into the biggest, most profitable musical act in world history. The song made such an impact that it ended the Cold War, turned every single country into a democracy and caused world peace. The song made a bigger impact than The Beatles, Michael Jackson, Madonna, punk rock, Nirvana, and Billie Eilish combined.
Following this unexpected surge in fame, the band set out to create their first studio album, which was eponymously titled. It came out in 1992. It debuted at #0 on the Billboard 200, indicating that the album broke so many fucking sales records at once that the staff at Billboard killed themselves from the stress of figuring out how to position the album, because this album was way more important than #1. It sold a number of copies so large that nobody knows the true count. 
As the 1990s drew on, Zack Attack began taking influences from their contemporaries and releasing more sophisticated albums that came to be viewed as artistic statements with some of the most intellectual, witty and weighty social and cultural commentary ever explored through the means of popular music. The band also practically lived in the recording studio, where they took two years to record their 1996 album "Zack Sounds", which is considered to feature one of the finest works in popular music, "Friends Forever", which needed it's own chart because of the magnitude of it's success. All 8 billion people in the world watched it's premiere on MTV on October 22, 1996. However, their popularity was briefly tainted when Zack Morris told MTV that the band was 'bigger than Jesus'.
In the late 1990s, tensions began rising in the group, mostly between Morris and Slater, who fought for control over the band's royalties. However, this didn't stop them from putting on one last major show. Billed as their farewell concert, Zack Attack took the stage at some old man's dairy farm unannounced on August 15, 1999 and drew in a crowd of 1 billion. Playing all of their hits, during the set, Zack Morris dropped to his knees and played an 80 minute guitar solo that is considered to be the defining moment of the 20th century, and the culmination of every single advance made by the human race. The guitar solo was viewed by every single person in the world, including a shell shocked President Clinton. The subsequent applause registered at a whopping 10,000dB.
Zack Attack broke up in 2000. Zack Morris was shot and killed by a Beverly Hills murderer named Brenda Walsh on December 8, 2010, aged 40. Slater was hit by a car on January 31, 2014 and died. Screech fell off a building on June 27, 2014. Lisa Turtle was shot down by FBI agents responding to a crank call on November 22, 2016. Kelly Kapowski, after listening to a song by Parramore, suffered a severe anal prolapse and died on January 21, 2020. Jessie Spano, who wasn't a full-time member, is the sole survivor. At least until she died at a McDonalds on June 25, 2020.
Category:Rock music groups