How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2

Hi, I'm Kayne...wait, shit I mean I'm Richie "Ball-Lover" Marcus. There's something I've been wanting to talk about since that unfortunate day 3 years ago. I've been struggling to keep it a secret, since I know no one would believe me if I told them and I would undoubtedly be put on the top 10 most wanted criminals in the United States if word got out. You see, sometimes no matter how hard it is to comprehend something as reality, it still sits there, staring us down and making us question life as we know it. Well, I've been questioning reality ever since I found...it. That's right. You know what 'it' means.
Ladies and gentlemen of the interwebz...I hold in my hand the unofficial rough-cut DVD copy of How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: The Grooving. Now I'm sure many of you have already made your way down to the comments section to post an inflammatory post like "Tits or GTFO" or "U suk my ballz" or, one of my personal favorites, "Elevators make me horny". Well just hold on and I'll explain.
I've only watched the DVD one time, but it was more than enough to commit it to memory. For those of you wondering, yes I found this in my neighbor's trash can...or maybe I got it from a creepy person I talked to on Craig's List who gave it to me for free? Nobody knows, not even me. That's the fun part.
So anyways, here's a summary of the movie:
The movie opens with Stella walking into a convenience store. She grabs a banana from the fruit basket and hold it up to the cashier like a gun.
"Gimme yo muneh, foo!" Stella shouts.
The cashier puts his arms up. "Okay okay, don't shoot! Bananas give me diarrhea!" He quickly empties the cash register into a plastic bag and hands it to her. Stella takes off running down the street, only to be chased by a squad car. She ducks into an alleyway which unfortunately led to a dead-end (kind of stereotypical, but whatever). Two cops exit the squad car.
"Ma'am, put the weapon down or I will be forced to use non-lethal force!" One of them shouts, pulling out a taser. Stella peels the banana to reveal a ray gun and zaps one of the cops, disintegrating him instantly. The other cop tackles her to the ground. Oh, did I mention the cop was an ex-WWE heavyweight wrestler? Whatever, it's not that important.
So anyways, Stella gets arrested for robbery and an unrelated prostitution charge and is sentenced to 5 hours in Yale with a Tree-Fiddy bail bond. Her best friend Delilah bails her out and drive her to her safe house.
"Stella, you got to get your life together!"
"But I can't! I lost my groove since the first movie over a decade ago!"
"I see. We'll just have to get it back."
"You don't mean..."
"Oh yeah...one last heist?"
"Just like old times. Let's get the old crew together."
So then there's a montage of Delilah making calls to their old partners-in-crime. The next scene shows them looking at the schematics for the high security Museum Of Groove. Delilah writes out numerous notes on the sheet, circling points of interest and routes.
"Okay, so here's the plan. The museum closes at 9:45 PM everyday. There are at least a dozen heavily armed guards that don't arrive until 10:00. That mean we have 15 minutes to sneak in, steal The Groove, and get back out. The perimeter is surrounded by an electric fence, so we'll have to sneak in through the sewers. The patrols pass by the vault every 2 minutes and have to radio back every 30 seconds. We'll have to knock out the patrols and manually bug the radios. We estimate we'll have about 3 minutes before the other guards get suspicious. Luckily we have the code to the vault so we can get in and out in that time. The getaway chopper will be waiting on the roof."
"You know, this would be a lot better to explain if we had visual AIDS, but whatever."
The next scene shows the front of the museum. Two guards stand in front of the gate as Weird Al Yankovic walks up. "Red rum! RED RUM!!!" He mouths with his fingers. The two guards begin clapping and laughing.
Meanwhile, Delilah and Stella sneak into the sewers across the street. They reach a long straight walkway leading to a ladder.
"Hold up." Delilah stops Stella. She sprays a can of aerosol, revealing an intricate web of red lasers. Delilah and Stella condense themselves to the size of a household sponge and slip under to the other side.
After exiting the sewers, they find themselves in a room across from the vault. As the guards pass by, they both fire darts in unison. Instead of putting them to sleep quietly however, the guards thrash around screaming as acid burned them to a pile of bones.
"What the Hell was that?" Stella cried.
"I think my guy sold me the wrong darts! Quick, switch to Plan B!"
Stella and Delilah both dash to the vault and arm the C4 as alarms began sounding. The vault blows open and they run inside. "Don't worry, I'll cover you!" Indiana Jones shouts, duel-wielding pistols and firing at the approaching guards (does he do that in any of the movies? Someone's going to have to confirm this for me).
Stella stares at the Groove with mixed emotions. Inside the unidentified floating ball-thing is the formula for all things Groove. Without thinking, she grabs it from the podium. They only manage to get a few steps away when a loud 'CRASH' sound is heard behind them. They turn to see a giant boulder rolling their way. "Run, you fools!" Indy shouts. The three run out the vault with the rolling boulder close behind them. They turn around the corner only to have the boulder follow them.
What happen next could only be described as something that could only be imagined when you inject cocaine, crystal meth, heroin, marijuana, and speed all at the same time: the three end up in a hallway with several doors. They duck into one of the rooms and the boulder follows, all while the Benny Hill theme starts playing. The scene continues with them running in and out of doorways like in Scooby-Doo. After about 3 and a half minutes the boulder decides it was bored and wants to go back to its own planet, so it hops into its rock ship and returns to Rock Planet.
When the three realize they lost their pursuer they flick on the lights, only to be greeted with a roomful of slimy alien eggs. The eggs start to open up one by one. "The eggs! They're hatching! Run!" Delilah cries.
They dash out of the room as Facehuggers lunge attack the black guy that no one paid attention to until now. Full-grown aliens crawl out of the ceiling tiles and give chase. Just when Delilah trips and is about to get killed, a Predator uncloaks and starts killing the aliens. After killing all the aliens, the Predator turns his weapons on Delilah ('bout friggin' time they killed her off). Stella and Indy take off to the stairwell as more Predators uncloak.
When they get to the roof, the helicopter is waiting to take off. More Predators leap onto the roof from nearby buildings. "GET TO DE CHOPPA!!!" Arnold Schwarzenegger booms, firing his machine gun in all directions. Stella and Indy manage to get in before the helicopter takes off.
Surprise, here's another curveball: as the heli passes over several skyscrapers, a short-range missile barrage knock it out of the sky and crashes onto one of the rooftops. Indy and Stella survive the crash but unfortunately the pilot didn't (I'm so sorry for your loss, Mrs. The Pilot). As Stella stands back up, she's greeted with a human-sized robot staring her down. It had grey 'skin' with a rainbow-colored hair piece and horns on it's head.
"Sup, bitchez." The robot speaks in a monotone voice. "I am BURNING-DOT-TORRENT-DOT-EXE. But my name is not important. What's important is that you have something I need. Hand over the Groove or I will be forced to lobotomize and dismember you. It will be quite painful, I can assure you."
Indy pulls out a scale-model of The Ark from his jacket. "Close your eyes, Stella!" He opens it up and soul-sucking demons pop out. They retreat back into The Ark soon after. Stella opens her eyes, only to see the robot is still there. "Nice try. But I am a robot. I don't have a soul, you fucking dumbasses. Now hand over the Groove now. Oh yeah and Allahu Akbar and shit."
Just then the 'corpse' of Delilah appears. Pieces of her skin are torn away, revealing a cyborg underneath. "Stella! Whatever you do, don't give that robot the Groove! I don't have a lot of time to explain, but I've been sent here from the year 9595. An evil chicken scientist uses the Groove to create genetically altered turkeys that become the only food source for Robo-France 29. The Groove is the only chance for the great-great-great-great grandson of Goblox to lead the rebellion against the master chickens."
"You call that plot exposition? That was horrible. You were always terrible at creative writing. And you always copied off of me!" BURNING-DOT-TORRENT-DOT-EXE charged at Delilah. The two became locked into an epic sword and gun battle that lasted nearly 10 minutes.
"She's too powerful!" Stella cries. "There's only one thing I can do now." A panel opens up on her chest revealing a large futuristic-looking cannon. "I'm going to open up a black hole and destroy us both."
"Delilah, no!" Stella shouts. "You're my best friend! You can't die!"
"I have to. The evil chickens-
(I'm gonna be honest with you, I fast-forwarded through all of this. It's the same overused drawn-out 'dying best friend' bullshit you've seen in countless other---wait, oh my God Delilah and Stella are making out and now their getting Indy involved for a three-way holy shit! And now the robot's getting it on too! What's that metal corkscrew for? Who cares, hot girl-on-girl-on-guy-on-robot action!)
So anyways Delilah charges her chest-cannon-black-hole thing and fires, creating a small black hole that sucks her and BURNING-DOT-TORRENT-DOT-EXE inside.
Stella falls to her knees in disbelief. She holds back tears as Indy puts his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry you lost your best friend. She did what she had to do."
Stella looks up at Indy. "I'm not crying because I lost my friend. I'm crying because I FINALLY GOT MY GROOVE BACK, BITCHEZZ!!!" She stands back up and leaps off the building, taking flight into the night sky as Madonna's Into The Groove starts playing and the credits roll.
So there you have it folks. Make of it what you will, but I believe this unreleased movie was meant to see the public eye. Because it's all a conspiricy, man. A Hollywood conspiricy. With the most absurd plot twists and most epic storyline ever. My only regret is---oh shit, someone just broke in my front door.
"Freeze! Hands in the air!"
Fuckfuckfuck the Illuminati found out I got ahold of the DVD! Someone, anyone, send help!
"I said hands in the air! Or I'll kill your pet goldfish!"
No! Not Fluffy! Anything but that!
"What is that on your computer? Is that---? Fucking dickgirl hentai, seriously?!?! Exit out of that right now!! You use Internet Explorer? Fucking n00b piece of shit!"
Oh God please descend from the heavens and kick this guy's ass!
"I AM GOD!!! Now gimme that DVD!"
Okay okay, please don't shoot me! I still have to-
(Sound of gunshots, followed by the sounds of screaming and dry humping, then a loud explosion, YEAH! EXPLOSIONS RULE, THEY RULE!!!)
Category:Stuff Blowing Up
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Trollpasta