Schoolhouse Rock is a Lie

I recently had to do a presentation for my college civics class but I, not being one for academia and generally a D-grade student decided instead to purchase an old VHS of "Schoolhouse Rock" to perform independent research in preparation for the course. Schoolhouse Rock was a fun program that we used to watch when we wanted to gain edutainment in a fun, rock setting. The animation was poor, and the writing occasionally was as well, but we enjoyed the catchy tunes and the unique premises that the show would come up with. But there was one episode I'll never forget: the episode about a bill. A bill on capital hill.
I needed to get an "A," I wanted to go to law school, become a lawyer, and succeed in my hopes and dreams of a white-collar position practicing law. Well, little did I know that the VHS tape that I SAW had nothing to do with any of that, and appeared to be some kind of "lost episode" that was never supposed to make the production cut of the original 1970s lineup. Now sit back, and I'll tell you all about it. I got some hot wings and mountain dew, my favorite non-alcoholic beverage.
I mean it starts as normal. The animation was very wavy, even a little grainy. I mean the animation was never good, but here it looked like the artists may have been drinking or had personal problems. There's an image of a humanoid bill sitting next to a little boy on the steps of capitol hill. "I'm just a bill, yes I'm only a bill, and I'm sitting here on capital hill!" All of a sudden there was an explosion and you see fish guts fly everywhere.
The little boy gets wide eyed and yells "9/11!" The bill repeats it. "9/11!" What the fuck was this? "Did I ever tell you the REAL story of 9/11?" What do you mean the real story, what was this. "No!" The little boy says. "Well, you see, the government occasionally needs to start a false flag operation!" "What's a false flag operation!" The little boy exclaimed. "It's when governments use fake operations to fund illegitimate wars in the secret quest for resources around the world!" What the fuck? I was going to shut the tape off, as I knew I wasn't in for a schooling, or rocking experience, but... the bill. The bill started to sing.
"And George Dubya, and little Cheney
Said those twin towers aren't worth explainin'!
So they brainstormed about how they'd fool the land of the free.
The American public loves a conspiracy!
So we'll tell 'em that planes crashed into the buildings
While the American public eats fritos and onion rings!
And by the way- did I forget to say? The land of the free is the U.S.A
False flag operations happen all the time, and if you're part of the government, it isn't a crime!
So just deal with it the way most Americans do
Enjoy your Call of Duty, and outbreak of swine flu!"
...What? What the fuck? NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, would put a reference to George W. Bush causing 9/11 in daytime children's television programming. This was making me sick to my stomach. The hot and spicy chicken wings I had eaten earlier had now given me indigestion due to the emotional distress that this VHS tape was causing.
I was sick. I just wanted to learn about a bill. I just wanted to learn about a bill on capitol hill. All this other shit- SHIT that I was hearing had NOTHING to do with rock and roll or the legislative process whatsoever.
The bill kept talking though. I just wanted him to shut up now.
"You know, Billy, most of the Bush family are masons that go back to the days of the Annunaki that founded the secular United States Legal system. Their reptilian blood courses through the veins of the beaurocratic elite even to this day!" "My name's not Billy!" The cartoon drawing of a child started to cry. "That was supposed to be your name!" "The Clinton family are an ancient breed of sea turtle! Ya see Billy, over 2,000 years ago an ancient tribe of reptilians that survived the fifth mass extinction. But they didn't die, Billy. They just went underground. But they're still alive and well, Billy. They're all alive and well...And they're getting ready Billy. Getting ready for the sixth mass extinction!
He started to sing again, but I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. I went to shut the tape off but the bill- the bill was leering. It was leering in a very sinister way, it had me glued to the tv, almost hypnotized. I heard a little black noise in the background, and it stopped me dead in my tracks.
"And that hair, Billy. Doesn't that hair look a little funny?" The film clipped to the orange wig falling off, revealing a tiny, beady eyed crustacean with whiskers poking out its shell. "It's true, Billy. Donald J. Trump, president of the united states, is but a lowly frightened nautilus." The camera lowers to show veins and a nervous system attaching the human body to the surgically-attached nautilus head. The nautilus is shown smiling as it jumps into the ocean and swims away. Trump's body slumps over. "And you'll never find us down here, Billy. It's too hot down here, it's too cold. And the pressure would make your lungs explode."
The camera cuts to highly rendered, artistically drawn drawings of various lizards, sea turtles, crustaceans and amphibians controlling congress. A wet and slick spot is shown as the salamander carries the podium on his mouth. This was disturbing- to be honest I was creeped out. Horrified, shocked, and a little scared. They're shown putting on latex face masks that quickly dry and springform around their malformed animal and plant skulls. Yes...plant. I know you won't believe me, but...one of the members of congress was made of seaweed. Someone in the background mutters "global warming" as water starts to flood the congress chamber, and they begin to swim, detaching their artificial lungs.
What was this? What the fuck was this?! The bill...his clothes came off. He was now a sand dollar. And he started to sing.
"I'm just a bill- and I'm doing quite fine!
In your undeveloped primate mind!
So now you'll engage in meaningless tasks
'Cos we won't do what your legislation asks!
We control the land and the sea,
In your oxymoron land of the free!
You must admit...it's getting hotter.
Enjoy slow heat death while we cool underwater!
I might just be a sand dollar, but I know how to crack a few eggs.
And if you ever tell anyone about this, I'll break your fucking legs!"
What in god's name?! I had to break the hypnotic spell of this evil sand dollar. I picked up a can of mountain dew and chucked it at the VHS tape player, the tape starting to spit, and spew, and squirt its contentious tape remains all over my pristine four piece pillow and duvet cover set with matching rug and ribbon. Who made this VHS?! My heart skipped a beat as I looked at the production company. The production company... was Red Lobster. And the paper slipcase was warped, and salty, as though it had been underwater. There was an 800 number on the back, but when I called it, it was just the sound of whales communicating in a deep-sea setting. I was very frightened now, more frightened then I'd ever been. I just wanted to learn, to learn about a bill. A bill on capital hill.
Well it was all downhill from there. I never did become a lawyer, in fact, my life spiraled out of control. I was too depressed to go to work because of the VHS, and eventually started working odd jobs until I couldn't pay my rent, and went to sleep on a park bench on a nearby beach where I was picked up by an old seafaring fisherman who told me a tale about an undersea body of crustaceans, the "masons" he called them, named after the free masons of modern lore. We would occasionally pull up other lost episodes from our fisher's nets, some young, some old, but none could watch because there was no VHS tape player or electricity on the seafaring captain's vessel. Well, years later the captain died of scurvy, and we never did find the masons, as eventually the ship capsized and half of the crew was lost at sea. I did eventually find a woman, a woman who was half-woman, half fish, and I married her and we had merbabies, and I, I assumed my throne as King Triton, Lord of the Seafood.
I am a firm but fair ruler, striking quickly and decisively when lobsters, dolphins and tuna question my leadership. I ride to work on my horse and buggy clams, demanding that the eels and starfish tip their invisible hats in due respect. Laws? There are no laws but the laws of the sand and surf! And rocks? There's all the rocks you could ever want down here.
Join me, and we will rule this ocean kingdom together!
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
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Category:Memes
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:YT Readings