Aliens of Argos

What do I know about a rhino? Well I know their sense of smell is twice as much as mineo. Ahem! Sorry about that; anyways hello there! Tell me something dear; how many of you out there have been to an Argos store in the last oh let's say 10 years? You have! Well I bet you haven't heard about the Argos Aliens have you? I thought not! Let me start by saying that the Argos Aliens were the mascots for Argos for a couple years. These days, Argos does not have a mascot because they suck. Back in the very early 2010's, those aliens were on top of the world. In 2014, the aliens were gotten rid of by Argos for unknown reasons. However, what a lot of people don't know is that there was actually a reason for their departure. A reason that I as a civil member of the community feel inclined to tell you about.
Now let me start by informing you that the Argos Aliens were totally real. I know a lot of people like to claim that they were puppets or animated in CGI or something. However, this couldn't be further from the truth. Yes my friends the Argos Aliens were actually aliens from another planet. Where did they originate from? Nobody knows! I've tried asking but no one has a clue. All I can say is that the Argos Aliens arrived on Earth sometime prior to 2012. One family named the Argos Family decided to take up residence in a small council estate in London. Yes the family's surnames were Argos. It's like it was meant to be.
Surprisingly, no one was really concerned by the fact that blue egg headed aliens were now wondering around the streets of London. As a matter of fact, the aliens actually became very popular with the locals. Their popularity in the city drew large attention from the media. The aliens however did not care, and lived very mundane normal lives. For example, Mr Argos worked in accounting while his wife Mrs Argos worked as a professional security guard for Big Pete who ran a Christmas tree lot down in Croydon until... well you know. Something something Protegent! The presence of aliens in London eventually caught the attention of Mr Parks who owns Argos. Yes Mr Parks the apple loving roast potato headed fat fuck actually owns the entire Argos brand.
Mr Parks and his staff were desperate for a mascot. Their adverts for Argos were incredibly boring. I mean seriously. Back in the old days; all Argos had for advertising was some old fart yapping on about how cheap the TV's from there were. Argos deserves better than that shit I'm telling ya! Mr Parks tried several mascot ideas including Argie The Argos Bunny who ended up getting eaten by a CGI cat monster. So sad. So when Mr Parks received a tip off from a mouse with a severe nose injury regarding the aliens. Well he just couldn't ignore the opportunity could he? So, Mr Parks headed to the Argos Aliens' household where he offered them a job as the mascots for the Argos Corporation. The Aliens happily accepted the offer even though Mr Parks refused to pay them. The Aliens did not care however because I'll be honest they're pretty dumb.
In January 2012, the Argos Aliens starred in their first commercial which was for Christmas shopping. Even though the advert was released in January and not December. Anyways, the advert featured the Argos Aliens whining about how much of a hassle Christmas shopping is. They then decided to just do their shopping on the Argos online store. The advert was very successful and with that the Argos Aliens became the official spokespeople for the Argos company. For the rest of 2012, the Argos Aliens continued to star in commercials for the company. In November 2012, the Aliens starred in another Christmas commercial which showcased how far you could go outside whilst still being able to Christmas shop.
Sadly, the advert was incredibly sad as one of the Argos Family's friends Johnny Woollyhatson ended up killing his best friend. Let me explain. In one segment of the advert, Woollyhatson was seen sitting on a bench outside next to a snowman. "I can Christmas shop from here!" Woollyhatson proclaimed happily as he then continued with, "high five!" He then proceeded to give the snowman a high five which caused the snowman's arm to fall off onto the ground. "What have I done!?" Woollyhatson cried. Now after the arm falls off, the advert cuts away to another segment. However using an inside source at Argos HQ, I was able to see the rest of the unused footage. Mr Woollyhatson then begins trying his best to put the arm back onto the snowman which causes the snowman's head to fall off. "Oh no!" Woollyhatson then began crying heavily into his blue alien hands. He then turned to face the camera and yelled, "what the fuck are you laughing about you fucking asshole!" He then charged at the camera and began beating the snot out of the poor cameraman. And with that, the advert cut to black.
Following this incident, Woollyhatson testified in court against Mr Parks. Sadly, because Woollyhatson is ya know an alien: the Judge refused to take his case seriously. It also wasn't helped by the fact that Mr Parks had an incredibly good lawyer working for him. The lawyer was the incredibly fat Doctor Layton T. Montgomery. No he is not a relative of Montgomery Burns. You Simpson fan you! Montgomery and Parks go way back, and used to work together at Fozziwig's Workshop down in Yucker Street. "Do you have bed bugs?" Dr Montgomery asked as he got incredibly close to Woollyhatson face. "What?" Woollyhatson asked bewildered as the case was closed. Mr Parks was able to walk away free while Woollyhatson was sent to Area 69 as punishment for assaulting the cameraman and wasting the court's time. Little did Mr Parks know that this would be the beginning of the end for the Argos Aliens!
Following Woollyhatson's dismissal, the Argos Family as well as the rest of their alien brethren became wary that Mr Parks was not a force to be reckoned with. Though a roast potato headed individual, Mr Parks had very powerful friends who could bring down a lot of heat onto the Aliens so they had to try their best to not get into Parks' bad side. Sadly, that was easier said than done. As the months passed and Christmas went by, the Aliens realised another thing. They realised that Mr Parks didn't really give two shits about their wellbeing. This became especially obvious when Mrs Argos gave birth to a baby boy.
One month after the baby was born, the family went out to Cornwall for a day out. While in Cornwall, the Aliens were confronted outside the Pelican Inn by Judge Claude Frollo. "Judge Claude Frollo!" Mr Argos cried at the top of his alien lungs. Frollo longed to purge the word of vice and sin. He saw corruption everywhere expect within. Upon seeing the aliens, Frollo told his guards, "bring these vermin to the Palace of Justice." "Now hang on a minute..." Mr Argos was cut off as his new-born son began crying heavily. Frollo asked to see the baby, and Mrs Argos reluctantly complied by handing the baby to him. "A baby?" Frollo asked as he looked at the small alien baby which was wrapped in a smelly blanket. "A monster!" Frollo cried as he then tried to drown the baby in the sea. "Stop!" Cried the Archdeacon who then began rapping with Judge Frollo about how much money a coke costs on the train. With Frollo distracted, the Aliens were able to rescue their baby just before he fell into the deep crystal blue ocean. Upon telling Mr Parks about what happened in Cornwall, the Aliens found Parks to be incredibly dismissive and uncaring about the situation. This was when the Argos Family decided that they had enough, and requested to leave. They were under contract however, and had to stay until the very end of 2013.
I think it was around this time that you could clearly see that Argos was running out of use for the Aliens. I mean they had the Aliens star in a commercial for space hoppers. Space hoppers!? Space hoppers!? Who the fuck uses space hoppers in 2013! Unbelievable! Also, Mr Argos got into his own controversy because during the shooting of one advert he punched the shit out of Mr Parks' personal assistant for saying that his head looked like an Easter egg. Now that ain't nice. No Siree it is not!
Now, the last advert featuring the aliens was released in November 2013, and to be honest you could kind of see it in them that they had enough. The energy and humour just wasn't there anymore. After the advert was made, the aliens then requested to be released from their contacts but Mr Parks refused to do so. "Oh I'm afraid I can't do that!" Mr Parks explained. "Well why not?" Mrs Argos asked as Mr Parks responded with, "because with you gone, who else is going to be my company's mascot?" "Well there's Pluto." Argos Jr said. "Uh what now?" Mr Parks asked as Mrs Argos pepper sprayed him. "Ah you stupid egg headed bitch!" Mr Park yelled as he held his eyes in pain. He then ordered his hired guns to kill the Argos Family. The Family made their way onto the streets outside, and caught a cab to the London Underground.
Arriving at the London Underground, the Argos Family discovered that the rest of their species were also hiding out there. The Argos Aliens made their ways onto an old abandoned tube train, and decided to spend the night on there in order to think of a plan. The following day, the aliens made their way out of the London Underground after spending the entire previous evening thinking of ways to get revenge. They eventually decided on performing an all out assault on Mr Parks' Mansion. Mr Parks' Mansion was located up in Kensington the royal borough up top. The Aliens armed themselves with incredibly powerful weapons including AK 47's and telemarketers as they made their way over to the Mansion.
At the Mansion, the Aliens fought their way through all of Mr Parks' hired guns and eventually succeeded in killing Mr Parks while he was hosting a BBQ with some serious businessmen. Ha only joking! I guess you could call me Joe King! Ha ha! Now what really happened was that the Aliens found out that they had no ammo for their weapons so they were overpowered by Mr Parks' hired guns. That's when Mr Argos announced his intention to sue Mr Parks and the entire Argos Company for all they've got. "Sure go ahead sue me I don't care. It's not like you'll win the case anyway." Mr Parks muttered as he ate a massive apple because he's quite a fat bastard if couldn't already tell. Returning to the London Underground, Mrs Argos made some phone calls, and eventually arranged a trial to take place in three months time. For the next three months, the Argos Aliens spent their time watching Liar Liar in order to learn how to be a lawyer.
Three months later, the big day came, and the Argos Family and their Alien brethren appeared at the Palace of Justice. Unfortunately for the Argos Aliens, Mr Parks was once again being represented by Layton Montgomery. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: I believe that this case is a load of old hootenanny. I mean seriously Argos mistreating aliens." Layton Montgomery let out a massive mocking laugh as he then continued with, "how do we even know that they're really aliens? They could be CGI animated demons created by Disney for all we know!" The trial ended up going terribly for the Argos Aliens as they knew nothing about how the legal system worked. It also didn't help that the Judge was a dear friend of Mr Parks. The pair had gone to Brixton Academy together may moons ago. Even longer now than what it seems. So sad. Also, the Aliens had very terrible questions including how much does a log rhythm cost. Whatever the fuck that means. I think it has something to do with logs in rivers or something. I dunno.
Mr Argos then ruined his very slim chances of winning the case by throwing a spear into Layton Montgomery's ass. "Oh I've been hit!" Montgomery cried at the very top of his lungs as he fell to the floor. He fell with so much force that he ended up falling through the floorboards and fell towards the lost city of moles with huge fingernails. Ever been there? Trust me when I say you really don't want to. Following that incident, the case was finalised and Mr Parks was once again able to walk away free from yet another scandal. He did however offer the Argos Aliens an ultimatum. He would allow for them to stop featuring in his adverts just as long as they never tried to do anything to damage his company again. The Aliens agreed happily, and wished their farewells to Mr Parks as they then prepared to return to their home planet. They had enjoyed their time on Earth, but they felt that now was the time to go back home. Sorry folks but this happiness appranately can't last!
Upon returning home, the Argos Aliens were kidnapped by soldiers on the orders of General W.R Monger. They were then brought to the ice caverns where people were put to work in some of the most chilly conditions this side of Bazooka City. "From now on you will work here until the end of your pathetic alien lives." General W.R Monger explained as he forced the Argos Aliens to make him a cup of Joe. For the next two years, the Aliens were forced to work in the ice caverns. It was backbreaking work, and they had to do really boring things like sowing beanbags and making cups of coffee for General W.R Monger and his soldiers. "I miss the days when we could get our Argos shopping from anyway!" Mr Argos whined as he then began sobbing into a cup of really smelly orange juice. Good thing he didn't drink that orange juice for it would have given him a bad stomach ache.
However, the Aliens' luck changed when they were asked to help defeat an alien threat led by Gallaxhar. Gallaxhar hails from the sister planet of the Argos Aliens. I can't tell you the names of the two planets because I'll get sued. Using a teleportation device, General W.R Monger was able to transport the Argos Aliens onto Gallaxhar's mothership which hovered proudly above Big Ben. "Oh my what's all this about then?" Gallaxhar asked who was busy playing on his Nintendo Switch in his throne room. "I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around." Mr Argos sang as Gallaxhar then started singing with, "I think we're alone now. The beating of our hearts is the only sound." The pair then began rubbing each other's heads which disgusted General W.R Monger who transported to the mothership in order to tell the aliens to hurry the fuck up with killing Gallaxhar. "What the fuck is taking so long you alien scumbugs!?" General W.R Monger barked as Mr Argos looked at him with a smirk. He then said, "adios asshole." And with that, Mr Argos and Gallaxhar both disappeared in a cloud of smoke. "Where did they go?" Argos Jr asked. "They're going to a place where nobody knows their name." Mrs Argos explained who had a look of acceptance on her face. Well I think it was acceptance anyway. It could have been constipation for all I know!
After this incident, Gallaxhar's mothership returned back to his home planet as the Argos Aliens and W.R Monger were all allowed to go free. W.R Monger having had a change of heart decided to allow the Aliens to return home. The Aliens decided to remain on Earth because reasons. Well actually only the Argos Family remained on Earth while the rest of the aliens returned to their home planet. Mrs Argos got a job at a very successful law firm. Meanwhile, Mr Argos and Gallaxhar went home to Gallaxhar's planet where they got married in a private ceremony which was attended by only close friends including Elton John and Colonel Dodo. I mean who wouldn't want Colonel Dodo at their wedding? You'd be stupid to not invite him! After getting married, the pair then returned to Earth where they bought themselves a lovely villa on the Spanish coast. Imagine the grocery bills! Ha ha!
So there you have it my friends; the real story about the Argos Aliens, and the real reason for them not appearing in adverts anymore. It's quite a sad story but I think in the end the Aliens managed to come out on top. The Aliens while they may not have succeeded in suing Mr Parks, they still managed to learn the power of love. Also for some reason, Mrs Argos never bothered to contact her husband following his disappearance, but perhaps this could be due to an undigested bit of beef or a fragment of underdone potato.
So ladies and gentlemen, let me finish this thing off by saying that if you're ever in an Argos store one day please just remember this story. Remember all the troubles the Argos Aliens went through just so people would buy some shit from their damn store. If you ask Mr Parks or any Argos employees about the Aliens; they'll play dumb and act like they have no idea what you're talking about. They even force you to drink plum juice and we all know you're allergic to plum juice! No matter what they do; you'll always know the truth of what really happened, and that's just beautiful. Well that's what I think anyway. Now if excuse me friends I've got to head down to my local Argos to buy a toaster. Oh yeah a nice toasty toaster.
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