The Thing in the Bathroom

So I'm usually pretty regular, i.e I drop a deuce when I get home from work(usually about 5pm). But sometimes on the weekend, my schedule gets kinda messed up. When this happens, I need to drop a grogan and it's 2pm and it's a 37 minute trip home... So no popping home for a quick poop in the comfort and safety of my own bathroom.
I have to use the work bathroom.
But the last time I used them, something really strange happened. Something that made me wonder what the hell was up with the bathrooms. I mean, I hate having to dump in a public bathroom at the best of times, and it's never the best where I work.
I give the toilet seat a careful wipe down, even though it looks clean. I hear you can get cauliflower dick from toilet seats, I'm not chancing anything. I then laid a few squares of toilet paper in the bowel. Even at home I hate getting splashed, and I hate hearing plops in public bathrooms so I try not to make plops. I sit down and begin to extrude. Then someone walks into the bathroom, and they take the cubicle RIGHT NEXT TO MINE. Even though there was room for them to take one that would leave an empty cubicle between us.
The sheer horror of this didn't take long to sink in. This person willingly chose to sit in a cubicle adjacent to one already in use. That meant only one thing - they WANTED to have a cubicle right next to another person, with only a thing wall between us. What's more, they sat down before they'd have time to even give a passing examination of the toilet seat, uncaring of any poopoo or peepee that might be on it.
Naturally, their business is a plopfest. They also grunt and groan, almost moaning as they're pushing out what must be approximately 20,000 nuggets of poop. Then they start huffing and panting. Remember, this is just after they WILLINGLY took a cubicle RIGHT NEXT to an occupied one. They WANTED to be next to another person while doing this. I have no idea what was going on in there, but I sure as hell didn't want to know. My nightmares are haunted by damnable possibilities.
At this point I was desperate. I finished extruding my own horror chocolate, wiped and flushed. I go to the sink and begin to wash my hands. Then I heard the jingling of a belt, the flushing of another toilet. Whoever it was clearly had no shame in showing their face to the person they had subjected to their horror shit show.
I was carefully drying my hands at this point, staring down and avoiding catching sight of them. If it was someone I knew, I'd never be able to respect them again. But, horror of horrors - the water is on for about one second, they then grab some towels. I leave quickly. They're right behind me. My heart is pounding as I turn the corner - would they be going to my section on the building?
I let out a sigh of relief when they moved off in the other direction. Still not daring to look around, I went back to my seat. For all I know, was was in the bathroom with me wasn't even human. It could have been some horrifying shit demon. I will never, ever use the work toilets again. I can't risk it.
At least that's what I told myself. But now... I feel a grogan swelling. It won't wait. It's 2pm. The same time. The same day of the week.
I don't know if I'll be back.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Potty Humor
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep