Javier Baez

Javier "Javy" Baez is a Puerto Rican baseball shitter. He has been nicknamed "El Mago" which is spanish for The Magician, due to his ability to disappear from his wife and kids. He played shortstock and suckend base for the Chicago Dick Hangers, the New York Mest and the Detroit Ninjas. He is famous for his unending rivalry with pitcher Amir Garrett.
==Early Life==
Baez was born December 1st 1992 in Puerto Rico. At the age of 10, Baez's father passed away after he was sacrificed for Samuel's experiments. Before he died, he taught Baez all about baseball and also magic. Javy learned how to use telekinesis to throw the baseballs, and gained full 360 degree vision. The only thing Baez's father didn't teach him was to not chase women. Throughout his career, Baez is infamous for his horrendous strikeout and simping rates.
At age 13, the Baez family moved to Florida to get treatment for Javy's sister. She tried to be like Titties Jr, and got a rearview mirror crammed up her ass. Once arriving at the airport, Baez held eye contact with a young Ana De Armas for 1 whole second. He quickly fell in love, and tried pursuing after her before getting stopped by a young Amir Garrett. Baez couldn't speak English yet, so he kept yelling "pinche negro," but Garrett started fighting him for Ana De Armas. She ran out of the airport after seeing the chaos, and to this day Javy blames Garrett for interfering with his perfect marriage.
Javy joined the florida high school baseball team, but despite his magical powers his coach told him "You will never be a star." Baez ended up proving them wrong, gathering 3000 hits in his 4 years and catching every single ball hit at him (he used telekinesis). In his senior year, Baez hit 10 home runs where the balls had his phone number on them. He went 0-10, some would call him the Miami Marlins.
==Dicks Out==
The 2011 MLB draft featured both Baez and Amir Garrett, and it was a tense battle to see who got picked first. Javy succeeded, getting picked 9th overall by the dick hanging cubs. Garrett didn't get selected until the 22nd round by the Reds and Baez made hella fun of him for it. The two fought live on stage in the middle of the draft, ending with Garrett getting stuck to the ceiling. Baez pulled down his pants to embrace his new Cubs culture, and tried impressing the women nearby with his 2-incher.
====Chick-ago====
Baez played 3 minor league seasons with the Cubs before getting called up. His most iconic minor league moment came when he hit 4 home runs in one game. He once again put his phone number on the balls, but went 0-4. Some would call him the Houston Astros.
In his MLB debut, Baez struck out 8 times in one inning but showed off his insane magic by catching a ball 80 feet above him. The cubs were flacid, and were losing in the 12th inning. Baez locked eyes with Kimiko from the Boys for 0.5 seconds, and he proceeded to hit a game winning home run. He tried to find his new "wife" after the game, but she was gone. Baez finished his rookie season with a rookie record 950 strikeouts, but still celebrated by getting an MLB logo tattoo on his penis.
====Stuckout====
In 2015, Baez's sister passed away from complications with the rearview mirror. He even broke his finger trying to pull it out. This caused him to struggle at spring training, as he struckout every single at-bat. The cubs forced him to put his pants back on, and sent him to Iowa to harvest wheat or some shit. He found Brandon Nimmo in Iowa, hanging out in yet another random ass state. While in Iowa, a random girl on instagram liked his story so he set off to find her. However, it ended up being a bot account set up by Amir Garrett and Javy got 13 viruses on his phone.Baez returned with his dick out in September, teaming up with a new championship built Cubs team. His 2 biggest allies were Anthony NoRizz and Mr. Kris Bryant, the photography teacher. Kyle Schwarbomb occasionally dropped a nuke too. The cubs made the playoffs after Baez gave ABSURD backshots to Arizona. In Arizona, he found Kimiko again and this time she gave him an immaculate handjob. She knows sign language, so you know it was good.
====Photo Finish====
In 2016, Kris Byrant left his students without a teacher and popped off for an MVP season. Anthony Norizz had the best chasing women rate in the league, while Baez had the worst in the league. Anthony NoRizz had to drag Baez out of Barons Supermarket after he fell in love with the minimum wage worker at first sight. Even still, Baez had a crazy season. He learned how to phase through players, ensuring he could never be tagged out. However his telekinesis started to deteriorate, as there were multiple instances of him accidently launching the ball into the 3rd deck of fans.
On June 28, Baez blasted a 150th inning grand slam against the Cincinatti Reddds. After the game, Baez stated publicly "That was practice for what I'm gunna do to Amir once he's in MLB." He proceeded to hit on the interviewer, even though she was literally holding a red flag. Kris Bryant's lack of care for Eastlake High carried the Cubs to the postseason. They did this without Kyle Schwarbomb, who ruptured his asshole on the 2nd game of the season. In game 1 of the NLDS, Baez hit the only home run of the game off a black guy. He once again put his phone number on the ball, but went 0-1. Some would call him the San Diego Padres, in Korea.
In the NLCS versus the LA Dogshitters, Baez used his new power to the max and phased through home plate. Kris Bryant took horrid photos of the Doggers before Baez flung them into space. The cubs advanced to what would become a very historic world series vs the Cleveland Neels. Both teams hadn't won the world series in 800 years. One team was about to end the edging streak, while the other would shit themselves...
====Guess whos back====
Kyle Schwarbomb returned for the World Series, now with a titanium asshole. However, even his titanium ass couldn't stop the BUTTRAPING Cleveland did to Chicago. Baez got distracted by the brainrot woman in Ohio, and he struck out every at bat. Cleveland came 1 win away from winning the world series, but Baez prepared one last rally speech. Baez shouted "We ain't letting those headphone hair, on-call sleeping, dirty Indians beat us!" The speech really only empowered Aroldis Chapman, who threw 3 innings ABUSING the Cleveland Neels. In game 6, Bryant destroyed a home run after he got a call from Hinkle saying he didn't have to teach photography anymore. This carried into game 7, when Bryant hit another home run. Baez also homered after using telekinesis to push the ball out of the field.
Things looked good for the Cubs until Aroldis Chapman got distracted by his moms boobs, and gave up a game tying home run in the 8th inning. The cubs went flacid in the 9th inning, but before they could go into extra innings the game was put on rain delay. During the delay, Baez went to a nearby city and stared into the sky as it rained. He saw a giant Ana De Armas, who uttered "You look lonely..." Baez used his "realness" as fuel to defeat the Neels, so he rushed back to the stadium. After Ben came, the cubs held a 2 run lead in the bottom of the 10th. Baez used a brand new power, time stop, to stop the game winning hit. The game ended when Bryant and Anthony NoRizz made out, securing the Cubs world series win. The Cleveland Neel's claimed they would have won if they were playing build...
==Locking In.==
====Dick Riding====
Baez started off the year playing for the Puerto Rico team in the world baseball shitter. Baez performed some of his best magic in this tournament, as he tagged out multiple players without even looking at them. He tried to defect from the USA and go to Cuba after the tournament, claiming his wife was waiting (he made eye contact with a random girl for 1 second).
During the 2017 season, Baez was glazed for his telekinetic defense. He had now mastered the magic and could catch a ball before it was even hit. On May 27, Amir Garrett finally faced Javy in the MLB. With the bases loaded, Baez hit a grand slam against Garrett and called him "fucking trash kid." This started the first of many MLB brawls between the two.
In 2018, Baez got an actual wife and overcame his case of "RyanGosling-itis" However, in May Baez struck out for the 1st time versus Amir Garrett. Garrett wildly celebrated and shouted slurs at Baez, calling him a little bitch. Baez proceeded to mock Garrett using an "Alvin and the Chipmunks" voice and this stared another brawl between the two.Javy popped off in the 2018 season and was chosen for both the Hoe run derby and the all sex game. Unfortunatly, Amir Garrett infiltrated the derby and pitched to Baez, making it impossible for him to hit home runs. Baez became the first player in history to strike out 20 times in the home run derby, just ahead of everyone else at 0. This pushed Baez to have the best season of his career where he finished 2nd in MVP to Christian Yeslick of the Milwaukee Drunks. The cubs reached the playoffs, but were surprisingly defeated by the Colorado Rocks. It was revealed that the Rockies pregame speech was just "Pretend they're the Padres!"
====Little Bitch returns====
In 2019, the Cubs and Reds faced off once again. Amir Garrett struck out Kyle Schwarbomb and called him things such as fatty, tubs, fatass, chub, slob, pig, butterball, fatso, jumbo, and porky. Kyle was mildly ticked off, but Baez was furious and charged on the field to attack Garrett. Amir got scared and scampered to his dugout to hide behind his jacked teammates. Javy nicknamed him "Sypher Pussy Kid" for this moment.
A week later, Baez broke his heel after chasing a girl 13 miles. He proceeded to suck ass until September when he suffered a horrific accident. Purple bloons were blocking the bases, so when Baez tried to magically slide into it, his hand exploded.
Garrett had a very lonely 2019, as he had no one to fight. He eventually let his intrusive thoughts win and tried to 1v10 the Pittsburgh Pirates. He lost.
==Pulling Out==
====Face of the Game====
Although he had a down year, Baez cemented himself as the face of the NFL. Baez was on the cover of sports illustrated along with Black Sex shortstop, Jackie Robinson. Javy was also chosen for the cover of MLB the Show 1920. However, COVID struck and no one bought the game. Even worse, Baez had a terrible 2020 season. He REALLY blamed it on the Astros getting caught cheating. Javy told reporters he had been using amazing technology coming from Astro stadium, but they suddenly shut down.
====El Mago says goodbye====
In May 2021, Baez unlocked his true potential versus the Pittsburgh Parrots. Baez hit a ball for a routine out, but he managed to mind control the first baseman to not tag him out. This allowed his teammate, Ben, to come. Javy began running to first and was able to make the baseball completely disappear. He ended the game early because they simply could not find it.On July 26, Baez and Garrett faced off in one of the most heated encounters in MLB history. Amir was put in the game in the 9th inning to hopefully let the Reds menstruate. However, the Cubs were one hit away from winning the game, and none other than Javy Baez came up to the plate. Baez kept shouting "SYPHER PUSSY KID" before even stepping up to bat. Amir remained unfazed, as he couldn't break his mewing streak. On the first pitch, Baez smacked a ball and won the game. Baez popped the fuck off, threw his bat at Garrett, and started yelling "Pussy Negro Pendejo." He even ripped his shirt off to show everyone his 2pack. Amir refused to break his mewing streak, so he just left the field while his jacked teammates stormed the Cubs instead. MLB fined Baez 3 apex tokens for the incident, but it didn't matter to him as Garrett was just exiled by the Reds. Javy finally reached nirvana.
With the Cubs beginning to shit themselves, they were forced to trade their iconic World Series trio. Anthony NoRizz was sent to the New Mexico Yankees, Kris Bryant was sent to San Francisco, and Javy to the Mest. The trio ended their time in chicago with a very sentimental group sex.
====Side Quest====
Ironically, Baez's first game with the New York Mest was against the Cincinnati Reds. Javy played with a huge smile on his face and was exceptionally kind to everyone on the Reds. He even hit his first Mest home run, and he had his phone number written on the ball. He went 1-1, some would call him Daniel Camarena. Unfortunately for him, the 1-1 was a torta.On 8/29, Baez received criticism for yelling at Mest fans and giving them thumbs down. Mest owner Steve Carrell said this behavior was unacceptable, and that it went against basic Ryan Gosling principles. The next day, Baez scored a game winning hit against the Miami Marshmallows and Mest fans loved him again. Baez pulled his dick out to show the fans who their daddy was. However, he forgot he wasn't on the Dick Hanging Cubs anymore, so he was fined for public indecency. His time as a Mest was over.
Although he was still chasing 5/10's at an above average rate, Baez was set to receive a huge contract worth atleast 7 robux. This contract ended up being from the Detroit Tiggers, ready to become less submissive. Javy was pumped, as he thought things could only get better.
==Can't have shit in Detroit==
====Fall off of the century====
Baez began his Detroit career on a good note, smacking a walk off hit versus the Chicago Black Sex. However after the game, Baez couldn't help but chase after the girl from You. Although she was clearly holding a knife in her hand, Baez couldn't resist and ended up getting stabbed in the thumb. When he returned from the 10 minute IL, he tried to regain himself but was still ass. Although his magic defense was still in tact, his swing rate was 100% and he couldn't lay off anything. Not even the tortas.After hooking up with a "I didn't know god made bitches this ugly" girl, Baez thought he hit rock bottom. However in a game against the Kansas City Royal Shits in July, Baez couldn't believe who he saw. Amir Garrett had returned to MLB, and began shouting at the Detroit Tiggers after striking out Riley from Inside Out. Baez began to shout "Sypher Pussy Kid" but before he could go fight him, he got distracted by an obvious hoe. Garrett left the stadium pumped to be back in MLB, but he was never seen again. It's assumed he just wanted to piss Javy off one last time and then retired.
====Its over.====
After performing well and grabbing more dicks with team Puerto Rico, Javy thought that he might be back. Unfortunately, things only got worse for him. In early April, Baez got distracted by the senior citizen ladys and was unable to keep track of how many outs there were in the game. He was thrown out numerous times and even benched by Tiggers manager, Tony the Tigger. Baez recorded the worst chasing rate in MLB history, as he even began pulling "Wander Francos." Baez proved that he didn't deserve to be on the cover of sports illustrated, but he was still somehow better than Jackie Robinson who REALLY got KO'd in the middle of a game. Its safe to say that author was fired.In 2024, baseball fans as a whole began hoping he would recover from being actual ass. The Detroit Tiggers even built a good team around Baez to hopefully spark his alpha male energy. It didn't work as Baez went the whole season without hitting a single ball. His magic had deteriorated and he was now completely useless. Worst of all, he became a necrophiliac. Javier Baez would end up going down as the worst contract in sports history, and Detroit had to go find new ninjas to replace who they thought would be THE NINJA.
==Epilogue==
====Jackie Robinson====
Although he broke the color barrier in the 1960's, Jackie had a falloff comparable to Javier Baez's. He sucked dick with the Chicago Black Sex in 2023, and he even tried fighting a player before getting KO'd. He got signed by Miami in 2024, but even they couldn't fix the iconic black guy and had to put him down.
====Anthony NoRizz====
Anthony NoRizz was traded to the New Mexico Yankees in 2021 and was semi good. NoRizz was ready to leave, but the Yankees forced him to stay in both 2022 and 2023. His career fell apart as his lack of rizz was keeping him from generating testosterone. In June 2023, NoRizz was trucked by Fernando Titties at 1st base and he was given a stage 6 concussion. He now sees the same cartoon characters as Black Noir, and is unable to be a baller anymore.
====Mr Kris Bryant====
The former photography teacher was forced back into that profession when he was traded to San Francisco in 2021. While he played ball for the They/Them's, he also had to explain the artistic beauty of photographs of gay people making out. In the offseason, Bryant left for Colorado because it was a non homophobic free zone. Kris didn't do his research though, and wasn't aware the Rockies were actually the worst team in MLB. They completely ruined his ability to play baseball, except against the Padres.
====Amir Garrett====
After being exiled by the Reds, and seeing the newfound success of Javier Baez, Garrett was furious. He found his way to a church in Kings Canyon, where he prayed endlessly for the downfall of Javy. Just before the 2022 season, a voice finally answered Amir's prayers and promised to ruin Baez's career. Garrett was ecstatic, and eventually found his way to the Kansas Royal shits where he played some balls.
Unfortunately, Amir Garrett never played cuphead. If he did, he would've known not to make a deal with the devil.
Category:Baseball players