Austin Steinbart

Austin Steinbart is an American military operative, who's best known as Q of 7, a computer wizard, a weapons wizard, a wizard of Qz, and a truck whisperer. Born in 1990-ish, in the month of moon and the 6th of June, he's been on a mission of total secrecy, classified top secret stuff, for his eyes only, and here we have all the details of said hush-hush.
It all began when Earth was attempting an escape from the Solar System and the Army was instructed to send as many aliens, star seeds, and digital warriors as it could find. Earth was going to make things difficult, naturally, so when Steinbart was called for immediate action he brought a team with him that could might help. This is where Steinbart gained instant recognition for his computer skills and acting skills, as well. The evil warlords known as Datto were the ones behind the insidious plot to convince the planet that it needed to return to the outer void in order to appease their queen bitch known as The Hildebeast. Steinbart set up a CGI of the Hildebeast and floated it as the Guild. It worked as Datto, who are worms, never noticed. But there came a time when Datto demanded to hear their queen's spoken instructions and Steinbart had to use voice impersonations and his acting chops to fool the worms until they were captured by the Rebel Desert Hobos.
==First Encounter with the Aliens==
It was an old saying among the citizens of Worvan that it's not the future, and proofs of the past were released to Earth people through a forum that was a long time ago, and originally from a galaxy far, far away. But there were quiet tales of the future and the past, in a galaxy out there somewhere. So the usual lingo of the people of both Worvan and Earth went something like; The future is not, but it comes from far away and that proves the past. It's really a long time ago where we were. What galaxy is this? Where the fuck are we? As fate would have it, some citizens of Worvan, who were sick of the suns out that way, ended up on Earth and refused to blend in. Or act normal. Or wear a toupee. And thus coined all these phrases that make no sense. But Steinbart engineered a way to interpret the gibberish. He made many trips to the desert to meet the aliens. But after a year or so, there began to be more aliens. Their number grew in size. Steinbart documented them and their offspring who were half alien and half earthling. He didn't have the heart to tell the aliens that they weren't mating with earth humans. The hybrid race of half alien, half earthling versions of Chupacabra though, had become a thing. So Steinbart's first encounter with one of these beings was a bit intimidating. Especially when they kept wondering if he was a mutton dinner or the ice-cream truck.
It was during this incident with the alien species that the Military was called in to aid Steinbart against being thrown into a pot of boiling water. They fought off the aliens trying to cook him, and of course once the military special ops showed up, they had to fight against being thrown into the boiling water themselves. As there were many more of the aliens than Steinbart and his back up, they sat there in the water and quietly discussed how to take the aliens back to Worvan and their creepy little Chupacbra rug rats. When they finally came up with a plan, they had to jump into some cool water after the hot tub soak. Leveling the aliens when they tipped over the hot water and flooded them out so they could get back to base. Of course Datto (formerly Dattor of the Slaughtered Satyr Institute) heard about the aliens being denied the feast of human flesh and decided to take over the navigation of the Earth and send it into the outer void. It was a plan that wasn't so well thought-out. But it could technically be done. Their first move was to take hostages of the crew navigating the planet and it wasn't a crew who worked in one headquarters or station. It was a crew made up of several thousand people all over the planet. Some had the task of running around in circles, while some had to water the plants inside the biosphere of the planet's higher brain functions. And talk nice to them and it. And reassure them all that they were beautiful plants and that the salad bar was more like a museum instead of a cafe. And some of the crew had to use giant combs to groom the planet's thinning hairline.
Datto, being evil and sadistic, began taking hostages of the crew and sending them to a gulag somewhere in the Bronx. They did this, as they posted on their giant wall of spam, to punish every living thing for daring to insult their queen bitch of the Universe. Datto managed to steal top secret intellectual data from basically everyone and steered the planet toward Pluto. Yet Datto couldn't tell what direction or opposition the moon planet was in, so Earth began moving toward Venus instead. Steinbart was promoted to high ranking status when he obtained Datto's secret files detailing the plot to have Earth leave its orbit in retaliation for their queen not having the sacrifice she required when the aliens had planned to prepare a feast for her. Steinbart became the commander of the Battlestar Jedi Force of the Enterprise Galactica. His crew were given new spaceships for missions to the Moon, which watched Earth from a close range. Steinbart's role for the time being was to convince Earth to return to its orbit. This was not successful since the Earth had convinced the other planets and moons to come along with it, and rebel against the original orbits they all had. They felt they were all just caught in a loop, spinning their wheels, getting nowhere, trapped in a mundane life that was so limiting and boring. Earth and the other worlds agreed and were in the process of talking to the sun about escaping with them. Steinbart knew intuitively that Datto had somehow been in cahoots with the aliens he had first encountered. This was some kind of set up. So Steinbart set them up. It was a good plan. But he needed to meet up with other aliens who lived on an island and Earth was in the process of heading out of orbit, making sea travel and space travel a bit difficult.
==Second Encounter==
Steinbart's second encounter of the close kind, the aliens didn't seem so intimidating since they had developed as a smaller species and seemed to be vegan. The first order of business was to bring the aliens of the island on board with a plan to scrape out Datto and gain the navigational system back to its regular course in orbit. The aliens wanted more room on the planet, since they were unable to live in the ocean. And saltwater made them look all frizzy and full of split ends. Steinbart offered the aliens a ranch near the Grand Canyon, and they accepted his offer as long as there was some kind of beach nearby. Steinbart had to call Superman and see what could be done about that. The only thing Superman could do was break the Hoover Dam and allow all that water to create a new ocean. Unfortunately it made the Grand Canyon mossier and before anyone knew it, a jungle the size of the Rain Forest sprouted up. The aliens liked it so it wasn't a problem. The locals were mad at first, but they got over it since it was a much better canyon when plants and foliage decorated the boring old rock, clay, and dirt – so much so that the Navajo Indians began using the vines to swing across the canyon like Tarzan. They were really into this and they had the Tarzan mating call down to a science.
Once the aliens were settled in, there began to be more of them. Lots more of them. A multitude, in fact. Steinbart consulted with them and came up with a plan to plant a few of them in Datto's headquarters to get into the main computer and stop Datto from continuing to communicate with Earth's higher functions. Two of the aliens were sent in a small crate to Datto and upon being delivered first class, the mail room at their headquarters called in an emergency meeting. The CEO, aka The Slug, was alarmed when 90 furry things emerged from a crate mailed to them. It was even more alarming when they began chewing on everything and trying to eat the staff, aka The Slaves. When Slug's wife, aka The Slut, heard about all the commotion at Datto she got really pissed off and grabbed a crowbar, thinking she was going to bust up the aliens. But by the time she got there, the slaves were already holding the furry things and Awww and They're Sooo Cute! and stopped the bitch from murdering them. When the slaves were fired, they took as many of the aliens with them as they could. But that wasn't enough because there were some of them still hiding in the vents, the cabinets, under desks, and behind the fish tank looking like puffers through two thick layers of glass.
As you can imagine, the CEO of Datto and all its minions were outraged and threatened to sue, come after, put contracts out on, and attempt to murder Steinbart. The aliens were of no help and when The Slug, The Slut, and the Slaves realized that Steinbart had turned the Grand Canyon into a rain forest to garner support from the aliens, they threatened to run the Earth into a black hole. But Steinbart was quicker than they were and managed to steer the planet away from the zone where black holes were reported to exist. He however failed to escape the wrath of The Slug, and was put into a freaky costume and chained to his leash as a pleasure slave. While this was temporarily uncomfortable, Steinbart found a way to avoid any black holes by talking to the creep like he was one of the furry aliens and kept trying to put costumes on his captor and smiling in a way that forced The Slug to cut him loose and run screaming into the night. But The Slug's problems weren't over, because following that episode Hot Viking Guy had dropped in on the fat, ugly sluggard and proceeded to hook him up with a Yeti. He knew where to get one.
The aliens continued to reproduce and Datto's headquarters had to be relocated. The Grand Canyon Jungle was also renovated into its own country to accommodate the furballs and all the new Tarzans and Janes. Still the planet was on its way to the outer void and had talked the other planets and the sun into following it along on its way into a better orbit life somewhere else. Most citizens didn't even notice it until the stars in the sky started looking different. Everyone started using star charts for drinking games and a lot of people were too high or too drunk to be too concerned about it. And almost everyone had an alien as a pet. And as if things weren't strange enough, Steinbart had forgotten to wire the original two aliens that were mailed to Datto, and so the mission was unsuccessful. Still the accomplishments of changing the Grand Canyon, severely pissing off Datto and making its CEO paranoid was a Kodak kind of priceless.
==Hiatus==
When Steinbart's missions were put on hold, his crew went looking for other alien life that might have landed on Earth. Since the planet was cruising everyone around the damned galaxy it wasn't a stretch that aliens would be landing all over the place. Enter Vicki of Toria, who happened to be a model, and liked walking around in underwear and angel wings. Vicki offered help to Steinbart's cause to bring Datto down and beat the crap out of it. Vicki was mad. And Vicki had top secret info on Datto's servers, their database, and their whereabouts. When Steinbart asked why Vicki was willing to help, the response was something like this:
Ermagerd! Like totally I've been slaved out by the bitches of Datto – they forced me to wear all these clothes – gag me with a fishnet stocking! I like can't believe they like had the gall to wear those gnarly geek uniforms – I was totally barfed out by them! I was freakin' out! Please help me get back at them! I like know where they hide their stash – those oversized clod-outdated flannel-wearing cavepukes ...
It wasn't the best indication that Vicki had any real information on Datto, but it turned out that Vicki did have the goods. In a matter of speaking. Just shut up. Steinbart wasn't going to ask about the other stuff that stood out with Vicki. When Datto's secret hideout was discovered, the military surrounded the caves of the Introverted Tower of the Devil. It was cleverly hidden under Devil's Tower. This took Steinbart's mission back into active status, and Vicki was kept at a secret witness protection area. It was a waterslide park.
==Earth rebels and heads East of the Milky Way==
When Datto's entire company was arrested for running an empire outside of the usual channels of Empires R Us, the CEO bailed out and broke what he could of earth's higher brain functions. The planet was now even more convinced that the Milky Way itself was smothering it and it needed to escape. The planet began rebelling against other planets and the sun, as well. But Solar wasn't going back and still followed Earth around. Jupiter got shirty and decided to leave the group of planets and take all its moons with it.
And if that wasn't bad enough, the CEO of Datto still possessed a remote control to communicate with Earth and repeated lies to it, making it feel more insecure and paranoid. Steinart had to find a way to bring the planet and the other planets and the sun back into the Milky Way galaxy and make it understand the real reason behind its confusion. That it was lied to, and that the Hildebeast should never be appeased as she is the void itself and that it should avoid it. Once Steinbart could communicate with the planet, he gave it the truth and since Earth was already in a rebellious mood, it wasn't that hard to make it see what a stupid idea it was to head off into deep space where no one can hear you scream.
So The Slug CEO of Datto went to Plan B and began his quest to turn everyone into rodents and insects. He started off by capturing two members of the Enterprise and implanted bugs into their brains by way of an app that turned their mobile phones into rotary phones forcing them to put the phones up to their ears. Once they were infected, they began turning into spiders, complete with the blue and red web costume and mask. The two crew members went around zapping everyone with silly string and weaving webs of deceit along with webs of flies and creepy crawlers.
Once Steinbart was able to talk the planet into coming back into its orbit, he was faced with having to convince the sun to return all the planets' original orbits back to the way they were. The sun was a tough nut to crack. A lot of the planets protested being brought back well into the Milky Way. Earth was slowly turning against the Hildebeast but was still using disasters to threaten everyone, and seeing the potential of an outbreak of spiders caused Earth to choose a different orbit and instead of orbiting the sun. It decided it needed to spend time in orbit with Mars and then circle around a time or two with Venus and take short vacations to the moon. Leaving Steinbart with the usual task of organizing missions to the moon.
==Convoys of the Cosmos==
Having had experience with trucks before when he and his good buddy pal Earl were in an accident involving a tunnel, a small fire, and some chickens, Steinbart was known as the Truck Whisperer among drivers everywhere. He also assisted in many convoys across the world in protest of the venom-oil salesmen who tried to turn everyone into spiders. That all came about when Datto decided to poison everyone, and those who had no mobile phones or spidery tendencies, Datto would simply get the venom in them through the venom-oil that they sold as a treatment against spider infections. But it was actually just more concentrated venom and featured side effects like being a hybrid spider that could produce Batman-like tendencies. Hanging upside-down and squeaking a lot. At this time, Datto tried to hide out in a cantina disguised as a droid. Going by the name Uoo R Dattor 2. But their cover was blown when Handso recognized them as the galactic scum who sent a whole solar system into the void.
Handso was so outraged, being all extra and dramatic when he went to Steinbart and told him of the dirty tricks Datto was up to. And regretted that he couldn't get Datto to sit down at his table after they noticed the green splatters of alien stuff all over the wall. Steinbart couldn't stop the mass-produced venom-oil from ending up on the shelves of bug repellent for the citizens of earth so he gathered his crew and instructed them on how to start haulin' ass in a big rig, kicking off convoys as far as the telescopes could see. Earth was still orbiting Mars and hanging out with Uranus. The sun was now trying to orbit Saturn, and the moon was trying to hide behind Pluto as Mercury was too damned hot.
There were so many people, aliens, and space critters wanting to join in on the convoys. Going in all directions, it was a rag tag fugitive fleet across the planet and space. There were representatives from the Death Battlestar of Voodoo, the Klingon Worf Odyssey, the Tardis Redundance, and the alien race of Coneheads. Being what they were, the Coneheads were assigned as the heads of convoys. While trucking across the planet's highways they never had to pick up hitchhikers until they started trucking in space where they started picking up hitchhikers across the galaxy who remembered their towels.
This went on for months, and when Datto tried to have everyone ticketed for speeding, the authorities had to take down reports. Normally this would have been mocked and never taken seriously but Datto was determined to bring down all drivers across the galaxy for going around in convoys in protest of their spider venom. When the cops realized that Datto was the true instigator, naturally they wondered where their cut was in all this. Datto scoffed at the idea of bribing police officers. Then proceeded to bribe police officers. Steinbart was already ten steps ahead, hammer down, petal to the metal, and outran police radios as their equipment was really outdated and most of them were rent-a-cops and didn't know what channel one nine even meant. Hiding out on Mars, thanks to the Earth having a spin around that, Steinbart gave the Martian highway a whirl and met up with the Coneheads at a greasy diner.
They discussed their next plans but the Coneheads were proving to be semi-unreliable. They didn't head off any convoys but instead tried to race alongside in convertibles. Their excuse was that they couldn't fit anywhere else and there were no trucks offering them the option to put the roof down. Steinbart was informed that they were fugitives and had to stay on Mars. Steinbart went back to earth and looked up intel on the Coneheads. Turned out that they were fugitives for a long list of offensives. Aliens were just not handling earth life very well. Except for the furry things. Datto couldn't capture Steinbart or any of the military, and failed miserably to have the convoys brought to an end. Then they grabbed a camera and a microphone and got on the airwaves and told everyone that Steinbart got the aliens to turn the Grand Canyon into a jungle and sent the furry ball creatures to their HQ, and that he was against spiders and those who identify as spiders now.
The end result of all this was that everyone wanted to know why the Coneheads were sending earth all these distress signals from Mars, when the police who were bribed to stop the convoys ended up dropping the charges they had against the Coneheads. Steinbart issued a statement that the Coneheads were playing possum and to be careful and drive slow when approaching construction work on highways.
==Personal Life==
Human. Male. Straight. Numerous girlfrens. Disco dancer. Swordsman. Hobbies include being human. Being a guy. Being heterosexual, lots of this. And guns. Always loaded. Make of that what you will.
==More top secret classified intel just for the hell of it==
*The pyramids were built by aliens, but the aliens were actually from Earth originally.
*The French language originated from the tower of Babel, which at the time was referred to as an Eyeful Tower.
*Gandalf really existed and was not a fictional character, Tolkien was the fictional character who was really Gandalf using an alias.
*The incident at Roswell, New Mexico wasn't a crashed UFO, it was other UFOs trying to kill a very badly built weapon that was trying to kill them.
*The JFK assassination was the tragic outcome when Lee Harvey Oswald was trying to kill the gunman on the grassy knoll for shortchanging him.
*JFK is still pissed off about the whole ordeal, and still claims he was a target. Poor guy.
*The gunman on the grassy knoll was there to kill random people because of JFK.
*Vampires are real.
*A lot of people don't use real blood, so vampires aren't a problem.
*Cats are the true rulers of the universe.
==See Also==
*Alien
*Battlestar Galactica
*Dune
*Star Trek
*Star Wars
*Victor's Secret
Category:Americans
Category:Nerd