Caught in the Crosswires/Transcript

==Introduction==
Arthur walks through the Crosswires’ hallway.
Arthur: Just because someone says something is real, doesn't mean it necessarily is. Just watch. 
The doorbell rings. Bailey opens to two men wearing “JC” caps, one of them with a camera.
Bailey: May I help you?
J-Cube: No, Jeeves, but I can help you. I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, aka J-Cube, big time genius TV producer. Pow! Yeah, and this is Phil.
Phil: (grunts)
J-Cube: I wanna put the Crosswires on TV.
Mr. and Mrs. Crosswire come to the door.
Mr. Crosswire: What's going on, Bailey?
Bailey: I believe we're being "Punk'd", sir.
Muffy comes running.
Muffy: (gasps) Jimmy Johnny Johnson! You got my letter! Daddy, I read that J-Cube was looking for new reality stars, and I said our family would be perfect.
J-Cube: Rich, intelligent, glamorous. Heh! What's not to love?
He steps inside and puts an arm around Mr. Crosswire’s shoulders. 
J-Cube: So, what do you say, Ned?
Mr. Crosswire: It's Ed.
J-Cube: Will you let Phil and I be part of the Crosswires for four weeks, and turn you into the biggest hits since 'Ice Road Trucking with The Stars'?
Mr. Crosswire: Well...
Mrs. Crosswire smiles and Muffy looks excited.
Muffy: (gasps)
Mr. Crosswire: You bet!
Muffy+Mrs. Crosswire: Hooray!
Bailey: (emotionless:) Huzzah.
J-Cube: Cut! Okay, that was great. Let's just have a little bit more excitement this time, okay? And, Ted, not too long on the pause. It's feeling a little staged.
Mr. Crosswire: It's Ed!
J-Cube: Okay, everybody, one more time. “Caught In The Crosswires, Episode One”. Let's keep it real, folks.
He closes the door from the outside. Arthur walks passed the closed door.
Arthur: See what I mean?
The doorbell rings again.
==Title Card: Filming at Dinner==
Muffy sits alone in front of a camera in her closet.
Muffy: It's the first day of shooting our new reality show and things couldn't be going better. I only wish my brother Chip could be here, but he's away at school. Maybe if we get a second season...
Francine calls from outside.
Francine: Muffy?
Muffy: Hi, Francine. I'll be out in a second.
Francine: Who are you talking to? And why are you hiding in there?
Muffy comes out.
Muffy: I wasn't hiding. I'm just talking to my fans in the "private moments" area.
Francine: Er… I think it's called a closet.
Muffy: We have to do three video diary entries every day. That's when the camera isn't following us everywhere.
She lies down on the bed.
Muffy: Ah, I never knew it would be this hard.
Francine: You've only been filming for a day.
Muffy: (sighs) Feels like years. Still, I guess it's for a good cause.
Francine: What cause is that? Making people famous for doing nothing?
Muffy: No! Providing quality entertainment for people whose lives are not as interesting as mine.
Francine: (laughs) Okay. Well, I don't suppose a "big star" like you would want to come to the movies with me? My mom said she'd take us to ‘Galaxy Kittens’ in 3D.
Muffy: (gasps) Oh, I've been dying to see that, but I have to go to dinner now. Sorry.
She runs out.
Francine: What? But it's only three o'clock!
J-Cube and Phil pop up from behind Muffy’s bed.
J-Cube: We want to use the daylight.
Francine: (gasps)
J-Cube: By the way, you are great as the snarky friend. Genius! Pow!
***
A short while later, the Crosswires sit at the dinner table while J-Cube and Phil film. Bailey serves Mr. Crosswire soup.
Mr. Crosswire: Thank you, Bailey. Looks wonderful. Goodness me! What's that on my napkin?
He holds the napkin into the camera. It has a Crosswire Motors ad on it.
Mr. Crosswire: Is that the new, four-door, luxury Credenza on sale at Crosswire Motors?
Mrs. Crosswire points at the ad while looking into the camera.
Mrs. Crosswire: It is! Wow! That is an amazing deal!
J-Cube: Psst! See what the kid is doing.
Bailey serves Muffy soup.
Muffy: Thanks, Bailey.
She tries it.
Muffy: Ooh, hot!
Phil stops filming.
J-Cube: Did he just serve you scalding hot soup? What kind of an animal would do that?
Muffy: Um... it's not that hot.
J-Cube: But what if it was?
Muffy: It isn't.
J-Cube: Or... is it?
Muffy: No, it isn't.
Bailey: I believe that Mr. Cube is trying to insinuate that the scene would be more engaging if you reacted more dramatically, Miss Muffy.
J-Cube: What Jeeves just said. Pow! Genius!
Muffy: Oh! Well... Okay.
She takes another spoonful.
Bailey: Is the soup to your liking, Miss Muffy?
Muffy: Ow! Oh, no! That's way too hot!
Bailey: I am most grievously sorry. May I blow on it, Miss Muffy?
Muffy: Don't bother. Take it away! My dinner is ruined!
J-Cube: I think we just found our star.
The Crosswire parents pass behind Muffy’s seat holding the ad.
***
That evening, Muffy brushes her hair, then walks to her bed.
Muffy: (yawns) Bailey!
He comes in.
Bailey: Yes, Miss Muffy?
Muffy: Why haven't my covers been turned down? And that pillow has not been fluffed! This is unacceptable.
Bailey: It shan't happen again, Miss Muffy.
He trembles as he takes the pillows.
Muffy: It better not! How was that?
J-Cube gives her the thumbs-up.
***
The next day, Bailey rides a tandem bike past the Sugar Bowl. Muffy is in the back seat and not pedaling.
Muffy: Can't you go any faster? I'd like to get there before I turn 80!
Phil and J-Cube follow on another tandem bike with the camera.
***
That evening, Bailey serves Muffy an omelet.
Muffy: I asked for a frittata. This is just an omelet.
She throws the plate at the wall.
***
Muffy shows Bailey a wire hanger in her room.
Muffy: Wire hangers?
She bends it into a ball.
Muffy: Wire hangers?
Bailey looks ashamed.
***
The next day, Bailey opens the limousine door for Muffy in front of the school. She gets out while J-Cube and Phil film out of the roof window.
Muffy: And if you are one minute late today, that's it, you're going back to butler school, Mister!
Bailey: Yes, Miss Muffy.
The limousine drives off. Muffy walks over to Francine and Buster who stare at her.
Francine: Why were you being so rude to Bailey?
Muffy: Oh, it's just an act. J-Cube thought it would be great for the show if Bailey and I fought a lot.
They walk towards the entrance.
Francine: It didn't seem like fighting to me. You were just being mean.
Buster: Yeah, but Muffy has to be mean. She's the villain.
Muffy: What? No, I'm not.
Buster: Sure you are. But that's the best role. Every reality show has someone you love to hate. In Top Supermarket Clerk, it was Jeff. That sneaky, little weasel! I still get angry thinking about him. See, the villains are the most memorable characters.
Muffy: But I've also been really nice to Bailey. This morning, I gave him the cherry from my fruit cup.
Francine: I think it's going to take more than a cherry to make up for your performance back there.
Francine and Buster walk on. Muffy looks thoughtful.
***
J-Cube and Phil film Bailey in Muffy’s closet.
J-Cube: How does it feel to be abused by a spoiled, eight-year-old tyrant?
Bailey: I wouldn't know, Mr. Cube. I've only ever been employed by the most kind and generous of households.
J-Cube: Yeah, that really wasn't the answer I was looking for. Wait. Genius idea coming. Pow!
He writes something.
J-Cube: How's your eyesight, Jeeves?
Bailey: Excellent.
J-Cube: Oh, yeah? Can you read this?
He holds up what he wrote.
Bailey: “I am so very, very miserable.”
J-Cube: Great, now hold this onion.
Bailey takes half an onion and it makes him cry.
Bailey: (sniffs)
J-Cube smiles and Phil gives him the thumbs-up.
***
That evening, the Crosswire parents walk down a hallway followed by J-Cube and Phil.
Mrs. Crosswire: It was the strangest dream. I was in a pre-owned, luxury sedan that hardly cost me a cent.
Mr. Crosswire: Honey, that was no dream. There are tons of affordable, top-of-the-line cars at Crosswire Motors every day.
When they have passed, Muffy comes out of her room and runs to Bailey’s room.
***
Bailey is darning a sock when Muffy calls outside his door.
Muffy: Bailey! Bailey? It's me. I need to talk to you.
Bailey opens and looks about.
Muffy: Don't worry, I dodged them.
They go inside and Muffy sits down on the couch.
Muffy: Do you think I'm coming across as mean and spoiled in this show?
Bailey: It is a distinct possibility, Miss Muffy.
Muffy: But... I'm not really like that. Am I?
He sits down beside her.
Bailey: No, Miss Muffy. And, may I be so bold as to ask, am I a spineless jellyfish?
Muffy: Of course not, Bailey. You're the bravest, noblest, strongest person I know - except for Daddy.
Bailey: Quite.
Muffy: This is terrible. What are we going to do?
Bailey: Perhaps, henceforth, we should ignore Mr. Cube's suggestions, and simply treat each other normally.
Muffy smiles.
***
The next morning at the breakfast table, Mr. Crosswire holds a newspaper into the camera with a large ad for Crosswire Motors. J-Cube is eating a banana. He points to Mrs. Crosswire, but when Phil films her, she holds up the same ad. Bailey comes in with a jug of juice. J-Cube throws his banana peel at Bailey’s feet, so that he spills juice over Muffy.
Muffy: Oh!
Bailey: Oh, dear! I'm terribly sorry, Miss Muffy.
J-Cube smiles expectantly.
Muffy: It's all right, Bailey. I'll just change my shirt after breakfast.
J-Cube: What? Did that bumbling oaf just spill juice all over your priceless new dress?
Muffy: It's not new, and it was on sale when I bought it. Crosswires never pay retail. Anyway, it was just an accident.
J-Cube: An accident? You've been a butler for 50 years and now this snob is calling you clumsy.
Bailey: I'm 37, Mr. Cube, and Miss Muffy called me no such thing.
J-Cube: (groans) Okay, people, look, I just need this scene to be a little more exciting, okay? So, you know, act that way.
Muffy: No!
She stands up and walks over to J-Cube.
Phil: Huh?
J-Cube: Excuse me?
Muffy: If my family isn't exciting enough for you, go film someone else. But from now on, I'm just going to be myself.
J-Cube: Ha. Listen, kid, I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, creator of ‘There's A Bear in My House’ and no one wants to see a show about the real you. You know why? It's boring!
Mr. Crosswire and Bailey walk over to J-Cube.
Ed: Hey! You can't talk to my daughter that way. I want you both to leave this instant.
Bailey dumps the rest of the juice over J-Cube. Muffy smiles.
Bailey: That was not an accident.
He smiles triumphantly.
***
A few weeks later, Muffy, Arthur, Francine and Buster sit in the Crosswire’s TV room and watch on TV how Bailey serves Muffy a bowl of berries.
Muffy (on TV): I asked for fresh strawberries! What's this?
In another scene, Bailey holds dresses, which Muffy throws to the floor.
Muffy (on TV): No! No! No! Bailey! Bailey!
Muffy as Godzilla walks through Tokyo, breathes fire and kicks a bus.
Muffyzilla (on TV): Bailey!
Bailey sits in the closet.
Bailey (on TV): I am so very, very miserable.
He is shown with the onion.
Bailey (on TV): (sniffs) I can't hold this any longer.
J-Cube (on TV): Stay tuned for more of the half-hour special – “Caught In The Crosswires A Family On The Brink”.
Muffy turns the TV off.
Muffy: It's all like that. J-Cube only had enough footage for a half hour, but they're going to air it over and over again for three weeks.
Francine: Well, I certainly don't have to see any more.
Arthur: Me neither, and I'm telling everyone I know not to watch.
Buster: I thought it was amazing.
He looks guiltily at the others who stare at him.
Buster: I mean amazingly bad. I won't watch it either.
Muffy opens the door for the others.
Muffy: Thanks, guys. It wasn't a total loss, though. I got a great idea for a show out of it. It's called ‘Bad Reality TV Producer’.
Francine: That is genius.
Buster: Pow!
Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 17 transcripts