8chanmania XXXIX - Dialogue

This page contains the banter exchanged during the preliminaries of 8chanmania XXXIX.
==Eustace Baggage vs Cirno==
===Beginning===
Cirno: Hey! I am Cirno, and I am-
Eustace: A stupid brat! Now get out of my way. They have promised me enough money to buy a mansion in the Baltics if I wins this. And the whole Baltics as well!
Cirno: Who are you calling an idiot, you dumb . . . dumb-dumb! No money in the entire world is going to cure your bald-nics!
Eustace: Why you little . . . I oughta replace your brain with that of my dog - you’d actually become more intelligent!
Cirno: Then he probably is smarter than you!
Eustace: Pah! Courage is as dumb as a bag of bricks! . . . hm . . . although . . . I have to admit he probably would manage to win a belt. Unlike other people.
Cirno: Sh-shut up! I can win belts! I just held back until now! Because . . . uh . . . because winning meant I would be banned from all matches before the Finals!
Eustace: Pretending? Pah! You are a PRETENTIOUS little brat alright! And I am going to get my money!
----
===Eustace Baggage Wins===
Cirno: W-well, at least I can still fight in the next tournament, right? Right? . . . but Mister, I think we are supposed to leave now.
Eustace: Blah blah blah. I’m not getting out of this ring. Not until I get my money.
Cirno: Mister - if we don’t leave now, she will get really mad!
Eustace: Nope. Not getting out of this ring.
Cirno: M-mister, she is staring right at us!
Eustace: No sir, not getting out of this ring.
----
===Cirno Win===
Cirno: Haha! Like it or not old geezer, but I still am the strongest!
Eustace: Bah! You are an idiot! Idiot! From King Idiot of the King Idiot Dynasty! You are such an idiot, the lie detector would explode if you said you weren’t one!
Cirno: Don’t call me an idiot!
Eustace: I would sent you to a school for the idiotically disabled, but they would probably send you right back! With a label reading: Sorry, too idiotic to enroll!
Cirno: … 
Eustace: You are so idiotic, just having you here actively makes everyone in the audience more even more . . . why is there ice all over this place? Muriel? Muriel, clean up this me-
==Nappa vs Baby Cakes==
===Beginning===
Baby Cakes: BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE
Nappa: I can be aggressive too! 
Baby Cakes: NOT AS AGGRESSIVE AS ME, HYUH 
Nappa: Oh yeah? I used all my free time and went back to school to finish a PHD ... in PAIN. 
Baby Cakes: ROLL YOUR DICE, CHUMP, WE’RE PLAYING FOR KEEPS 
Nappa: Hey Vegeta, what does the Scouter say about this guy’s aggression levels? 
Vegeta: Nappa we’ve been abducted by an interdimensional robot overlord and you’re bantering with a SHIRTLESS BALD MAN? 
Nappa: Oh wow he is bald and shirtless, I didn’t notice! I too love being bald and shirtless! 
Vegeta: [agitated manlet noises] 
Baby Cakes: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW!
----
===Nappa Wins===
Baby Cakes: CRAP 
Nappa: Oh yeah! Aggress that! 
Baby Cakes: HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, MY SHEET WAS UNBEATABLE 
Nappa: Saiyan powers, bitch. The more you hit me, the stronger I get! Unless I get butchered anticlimactically before it can actually kick in! 
Baby Cakes: THAT’S NOT FAIR
Nappa: It doesn’t have to be fair! I’M NAPPA!
----
===Baby Cakes Wins===
Baby Cakes: CRAP
Nappa: Oh yeah! Aggress that! 
Baby Cakes: HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, MY SHEET WAS UNBEATABLE 
Nappa: Saiyan powers, bitch. The more you hit me, the stronger I get! Unless I get butchered anticlimactically before it can actually kick in! 
Baby Cakes: THAT’S NOT FAIR! 
Nappa: It doesn’t have to be fair! I’M NAPPA! 
==Cheshire Cat vs Almaz von Almandin==
===Beginning===
Cheshire Cat: My, my! It appears the wind has swept down something from the almond tree!
Almaz: Wha-what? Where am I? What is this place?
Ceshire Cat: Oh, I’m not entirely sure myself. But so long as I get a steady supply of handsome companions to -play- with, it’s all the same to me.
Almaz: This is all a trick, is it? Just a bad dream. Some kind of perverted illusion thought up by a bunch of disturbed freaks!
Ceshire Cat: But Sir Hero, should you of all people complain about delusions? I think you rather enjoy yours~~
Almaz: What in all hells are you talking about?
Ceshire Cat: We all have our inner demons to fight, Sir Would-Be-Hero. And truth to be told, I would rather like to meet yours. May I tickle it out of you?
----
===Cheshire Cat Wins===
Almaz: N-no! Sapphire! I need to save-
Ceshire Cat: Hush. There is no ‘need’ or ‘must’ here. Only you and me. And as embarrassing as it is, I have to admit I might have fallen for your naive boyish charm.
Almaz: . . . Miss? Uhm … Miss, what are you doing? H-hold on!
Ceshire Cat: Quiet now. Just let the cat get your tongue …
Almaz: Wait, I’m allergic to cats!
Ceshire: Good. That means the swelling will be even larger than normal. And don’t worry about the itch - I will scratch it all night long~~
----
===Almaz von Almandin wins===
Ceshire Cat: Oww … I’m not entirely opposed to things getting rough, but not THAT rough!
Almaz: You should have considered that before . . . before going for an erotic encore!
Ceshire Cat: O hero! My hero! Would you not entertain the heart of a lonely damsel? Would you abandon a kitten in the rain and watch as she gets wet?
Almaz: Sorry, but you simply - actually, no - quite certainly are not the type I’m interested in.
Ceshire Cat: . . . meaning you are not interested in girls? I mean, who am I to judge, but-
Almaz: Meaning I am not interested in a sore pussy. I heard cats can give you toxoplasmosis. And I do not even dare to imagine what YOU could give me.
==Ankha vs Mona==
===Beginning===
Ankha: A feline from the far-off east- We had serfs from there. Me, meow.
Mona: Don’t get too haughty, you’re a cat like me.
Ankha: I’m not just any cat. Before they hauled me back to the cells I was in the grand finals, you know? Me, meow.
Mona: You’re here, so that means you lost, right?
Ankha: Be that way you petulant peasant, I’ll show you what royalty can really do. Me, meow.
----
===Ankha Wins===
Ankha: Put in your place. I would tell you to bow, but you’re already on the floor. Me, meow.
Mona: ...
Ankha: What are you awed beyond words by my grace after all that yowling you did in the match? What a pussy. Me, meow.
Mona: You’re a pussy too! I’m not weak, I’m just rusty...
Ankha: Is that the best comeback you’ve got? You can stay here and whine while I go kick some tail. Me, meow.
----
===Mona Wins===
Ankha: I lost to a peasant again? How? Me meow.
Mona: You aren’t the only old-school cat around. Mind your seniors. 
Ankha: ...
Mona: You lost and yet you forced your way back into the ring for the very next test? You have too much free time!
Ankha: It can’t be... the problem, was me? Meow.
Mona: I must go. You aren’t the only one who needs a wake-up call. I stayed asleep too long. If it weren’t for the glowing rings, I may still have been sleeping.
Ankha: Don’t leave! I must know, what did I do wrong? What could this one have done wrong!? Me, meow. You… you dumb cat!
Mona: You’re a dumb cat, too! ( ’ A’ ) /
==Gunther Herman vs Replica Assassin==
===Beginning===
Gunther: What do we have here . . . Cloaking Field. Carbon fibre bodysuit. Bone replacements. You are one of those stealthy, assassin types, are you?
'''
RA: [GARBLED STATIC]
Gunther: Hah! All this sneaky garbage, and they could not afford a simple voice module. I would ask what else you are missing, but perhaps I do not even want to know.
Replica Assassin: [ANNOYED STATIC]
Gunther: Too bad there is no spot for you to hide around here, you mass-produced pile of garbage. No dark place to hide in. But don’t worry - I will knock the light right out of you.
----
===Gunter Wins===
Replica Assassin: [BROKEN STATIC]
Gunther: Herman here, situation report: First stage of operation successful. Ass was in, Ass is out. I mean, awaiting next engagement.
Gunther: ... no, not direct sighting of Denton yet. I kept asking about him as discretely as I could, but people would just keep talking about some crazy guy without soles on his shoes.
Gunther: Yes, of course. Just get that head cannon augmentation done by the time I return. And fix that soda machine. I want orange juice, not lime-lemon!
----
===Replica Assassin Wins===
Replica Assassin: [TRIUMPHANT STATIC]
Gunther: You got me pinned down. Why don’t you strike the killing blow? If I did not know any better, I would say you either are afraid or ... or waiting for something ...
Gunther: ... where the hell did that girl in the red dress come from all of sudden? Where the ... OH GOTT! OH MEIN GOTT! YEEAAAARGH!
==Glue Man vs Piranha Plant==
===Beginning===
Audrey II: Watch out little brotha, this one doesn’t look so tasty.
Piranha Plant: [chomping noises]
Glue Man: “THE GLUE MAN”: How many plants does it take to win a belt?
Audrey II: ...
Glue Man: Don’t answer that because the any amount of plants is too few when THE GLUE MAN is on scene!
Audrey II: You’re off-white fertilizer willingly delivering yourself to my good pal P.P. here, boy. If you had any sense you’d be cutting your losses. I think an arm and a leg might be enough.
Glue Man: Haha you said PP
Audrey II: …Fuck it, just eat him.
Piranha Plant: [enthusiastic chomping noises]
------
===Glue Man Wins===
Glue Man: PLAYER OF THE GAME BAYBE
Audrey II: I can’t believe you lost to this guy, pal.
Piranha Plant: [sad chomping noises]
-----
===Piranha Plant Wins===
Glue Man: OW, MY SHOULDER!
Audrey II: Hey, where’s my cut of the prize?
Piranha Plant: [disgusted chomping noise]
Audrey II: I don’t care how bad it tastes, throw me a piece.
Audrey II: …
Audrey II: It really is just glue. They don’t make meals like they used to brotha, I tell you what.
-------------------
==Cu Chullain vs Gore Magala==
===Beginning=== 
Cu Chullain: I do rather like hunting. And they said I would find plenty of game here. This, however, admittedly is not exactly what I had in mind.
Gore Magala: [ROARS]
Cu Chullain: Just the same. It is not a real hunt if the hunter can not turn into the hunted at any given moment, is it?
Gore Magala: [ROARS EVEN LOUDER]
Cu Chullain: Oh shut it, you big old wagon. I have hunted bigger beasts than you. And ones who shed less dandruff, for that matter.
Gore Magala: [ROARS IN SEVERELY PISSED OFF]
Cu Chullain: You want a bite of me? Come on, then. Just keep in mind Cullan savage dog will bite back.
-----
===Cu Chullain Wins===
Cu Chullain: There we go. Would have told ya to keep your eyes open during a fight, but then again, it’s not like you have any.
Gore Magala:[WHIMPERS IN DEFEAT]
Cu Chullain: Aww! There there, lass. Coming to think of it, there’s not an awful lot of you, is there? Would be a damn waste to kill you.
Gore Magala:[GRUNTS IN CONFUSION]
Cu Chullain: Come here, you. My hands might have slipped on the dog of Cullan, but I won’t repeat that mistake. I’m gonna adopt you and raise you . . . and call you ‘Daisy’!
----
===Gore Magala Wins===
Cu Chullain: . . . . and indeed, the hunter does become the hunted. Don’t worry - I’m not gonna complain. This is just how the entire game works, isn’t it?
Gore Magala: [GROWLS]
'''
Cu Chullain: If there’s one last favor I can respectfully ask of you, and if you can actually understand me, I’d like for you to kill me before you start feeding. Alright?
Gore Magala: [SOFT GRUMBLING SOUNDS]
Chu Chullain: . . . S-stop licking me all across my face! I am the hound of Cullan, you gobdaw! Not his damn puppy! Don’t you dare take me under you wi- hey!
Gore Magala: [The pseudo-wyvern marches out of the ring. A badly battered Cu Chullain safe and protected underneath her wings.]
------
==Sho Minamoto vs Philemon==
===Beginning===
Sho Minamoto: Why, why. If it isn’t old Philemon. Still wasting your time trying to calculate whether there are any heroes left in man?
Philemon: If it isn’t young Sho. Still trying to extend your own unlife by erasing the souls of the lost? I heard you make an awful lot of noise down there.
Sho Minamoto: Oh, I do well enough. A little division here, a little subtraction there. It always is a zero-sum game, is it not?
Philemon: There is a difference between giving to and taking from others, Sho.
Sho Minamoto: Too bad humans invariably choose the latter. Look, Phil - I respect you. But you try to make the apple tree drop something other than apples.
Philemon: Do not worry. I understand that someone who only thinks in numbers and fractals can not grasp the concept of ‘hope’.
Sho Minamoto: There is no such thing as ‘hope’, Philemon! Only probabilities and percentages. Someone who played the game for as long as you have should understand this.
Philemon: I have played the game long enough to know that sometimes - just sometimes - the numbers don’t add up as you expect them to do.
Sho Minamoto: Well then let’s make it interesting. We’ll play by MY rules.
-----
===Sho Minamoto Wins===
Sho Minamoto: So Zetta slow! Really, Philemon - you might want to abandon the Velvet Room and just go hands-on with the mortals.
Philemon: That would defy my entire purpose. I can give them a little push into one direction or another, but first and foremost, I am an observer.
Sho Minamoto: First and foremost, you are a coward. You mess with the math, and if the sum is not to your liking, you pretend you were not involved.
Philemon: I exist to guide them. Not to command them.
Sho Minamoto: Good luck, then. I will just be over here, erasing all the fallen ones that did not behave like you wanted them to.
------
===Philemon Wins===
Sho Minamoto: Guess I’m pretty far into the negatives, huh?
Philemon: Your score was negative in the first place, Sho. If fate continuously keeps subtracting from it, there is no point in trying to keep it up with additions.
Sho Minamoto: Oh come on. Life itself is a continuous process of subtraction when it comes to your years.
Philemon: Correct. But life is given to all things, Sho. You, on the other hand, took that of others when yours ran out. Afraid of becoming a zero.
------
==Princess Shokora vs Earthworm Jim==
Earthworm Jim: There we go! Finally! I finally found Princess Whats-Her-Name and . . . hold on. You’re not her!
Princess Shokora: But I -am- a princess! And after that rude ruffian ran off to, I would more than welcome a valiant hero to save me!
Earthworm Jim: Uhm . . . said valiant hero suddenly remembered he has pressing business elsewhere! Like . . . like catching puppies! Peter is gonna be mad!
Princess Shokora: Mr Worm-in-Shining-Armor, this entire stuff about being rescued was -not- a request. You are going to rescue me, and you are going to rescue me right now!
Earthworm Jim: Madam, with all due respect - I already have a damsel in distress. And she will be pissed if I do not-
Princess Shokora: YOU ARE GOING TO RESCUE ME, AND IF I PERSONALLY HAVE TO DRAG YOU TO BACK INTO THE LAIR I WAS IMPRISONED IN!
-----
===Princess Shokora Wins===
Princess Shokora: Oh my hero! Thank you, Wa- , I mean, Jim!
Eearthworm Jim: But I didn’t do anything yet. Other than having a princess beating me black and . . . y-your Highness, there is no need to kiss me!
Princess Shokora: But does my valiant knight not wish for his reward?
Earthworm Jim: Eh he he he Well maybe just a lil’ kiss ay?
'''
Princess Shokora: [Wario face]
Earthworm Jim: OH SWEET DUNG BEETLES OF ALPHA9 NO THANK YOU.
-----
===Earthworm Jim Wins===
Princess Shokora: H-hold up! You were supposed to save me, not to beat me up! If you continue any further, I will turn back into a ca-
Princess Shokora: Meow!
Earthworm Jim: . . . . . well, I guess a cat is fine, too. Come, let me pick you up. I bet you and Peter are going to get along just fine.
----
==Le Chuck vs Fleet Commander AI==
===Beginning===
Fleet Commander AI: CAUTION: ENEMY ATTACK WAVE DETECTED. REROUTING REINFORCEMENTS . . . ERROR: RELAY SYSTEM OFFLINE!
Le Chuck: You have sailed into the wrong waters, landlubber. Hand over your fleet, and your death will be a -comparatively- painless one!
Fleet Commander AI: ALERTING NEARBY PLANETS . . . ERROR! COMMUNICATION LINKS OFFLINE!
Le Chuck: Hah! You strike me as one of those armchair admirals who does not even exist without his lackeys! Do you need them to wipe your backside as well?
Fleet Commander AI: THREAT ASSESSMENT. ENEMY PRIME DIRECTIVE: CAPTURE HUMAN (FEMALE). DIRECTIVE STATUS: FAILURE - OBJECT ALREADY CAPTURED!
Le Chuck: SHE WILL BE MINE! AND AS FOR YOU - ONCE I AM DONE WITH YOU, NOT EVEN DAVY JONES WILL WANT YOU IN HIS LOCKER!
-----
===Le Chuck Wins===
Le Chuck: Did you really think you could best a man who has claimed mastery over the Big Whoop?
Fleet Commander AI: CAUTION! ENEMY ATTACK WAVE IMMINENT! LAUNCHING STRATEGIC RESERVE!
Fleet Commander AI: . . . ERROR 404: STRATEGIC RESERVE NOT FOUND. RE-REROUTING MISSION PARAMETERS!
Le Chuck: And your mission shall be to possess this dreadful voodoo coffee machine! Blazes, am I tired of its usual brew!
Fleet Command AI: WARNING: OPERATIONAL LIMITS COMPROMISED! OPE-E-E-ESPRESSO!
-----
===Fleet Commander AI Win===
Fleet Commander AI: THREAT REMOVED. CALCULATING NEW PRIORITY OBJECTIVES.
Le Chuck: I am still here, you know!
Fleet Commander AI: 1. NEUTRALIZE FURTHER IMMINENT THREATS. 2. RE-ESTABLISH COMMUNICATION LINKS. 3. INITIATE PLANETARY INVASION.
Le Chuck: My skeleton crew will cut you do-
Fleet Commander AI: CURRENT PRIME TARGET: AI (HOSTILE) (1)
------
==I. M. Meen vs King Harkinian==
===Beginning===
Narrator: Meanwhile, in Hyrule....
Harkinian: Zelda, 8CHANMANIA is under attack from the evil forces of Ganon. I’m going to 8CHANMANIA to aid THEM.
Zelda: But father what if something happens to you?
Harkinian: I’ll take the Triforce of Courage to protect me. If you don’t hear from me in a month, send Link.
I.M. Meen: You can’t win, KING! I am the most powerful magician in the world - and you’re just a little MONARCH!
Harkinian: Hmm...
Harkinian: (When I heard that an evil magician escaped from a a magic book, I assumed it must have been Ganon. Perhaps I was mistaken?)
-----
===I. M. Meen Wins===
I.M. Meen: Lost? Frightened? Confused? Good!
-----
===King Harkinian Wins===
Harkinian: After you’ve scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule, then we can talk about mercy.
I. M. Meen: Aaaaaaaaa!
------
==Captain Commando vs Wii Fit Trainer==
===Beginning===
Wii Fit Trainer: Salute the sun!
Captain Commando: That pose, those words… Are you a cultist? Drat, I was sure that the villain was a rogue scientist this time around. No matter, I will apprehend you.
Wii Fit Trainer: Let’s get fired up!
Captain Commando: Fine, have it your way. Prepare yourself, criminal scum!
-------
===Captain Commando Wins===
Captain Commando: Do not resist arrest. I have some questions to ask you.
Wii Fit Trainer: Now that was a great workout!
'''
Captain Commando: What does that even mean?
GLaDOS: That person has nothing to do with the facility. She is another of the test subjects, in fact.
Captain Commando: …
Captain Commando: You’re free to go, citizen. Never speak of this.
------
===Wii Fit Trainer Wins===
Captain Commando: How could this be- I’ve apprehended people with the power to destroy countries! Continents!
Wii Fit Trainer: Don’t forget to exhale when exerting yourself.
Captain Commando: What do you mean? When we were fighting, I was kind of lax on my breathing, but… Could it be that you are trying to help me?
Wii Fit Trainer: Good posture begins with a strong base.
Captain Commando: I see, so you are a true master in hiding. I will take these lessons to heart and hope that I encounter you again.
GLaDOS: All test results conducted thus far indicate that she is a relatively normal fitness instructor with brain damage and genetic albinism.
'''
Wii Fit Trainer: Let’s stretch our legs.
Captain Commando: Maybe the Commando Team could benefit from some basic training
------
==Hat Kid vs Pepper Roni==
===Beginning===
Pepper Roni: Hey you! Were you the one who ordered the pizzas?
'''
Hat Kid: Depends. Are they time pizzas?
Pepper Roni: Uhm . . . nope. According to the order, it’s pineapple pizza. All of it.
Hat Kid: Pineapple? Eww! Who in his right mind would put pineapple on a pizza?!
Pepper Roni: Papa Brickolini would! And I think he understands more about pizza than you will ever do, miss!
Hat Kid: Oh yeah? The only thing he seems to understand is how to produce pizzas with poor taste, brickhead!
'''
Pepper Roni: The only thing in poor taste is your stupid hat!
Hat Kid: IT IS NOT STUPID!
-------
===Hat Kid Wins===
Hat Kid: Pineapple Pizza? NEVER!
Pepper Roni: . . . please. If I don’t deliver the pizza, I will never be able to go home.
Hat Kid: Huh? You came here by yourself, didn’t you? Can’t you just go back the same way you arrived?
Pepper Roni: And what makes you think I didn’t try that already?! No matter where I go, I always come back here. I need to deliver the pizza! I -have- to!
Pepper Roni: I don’t even know how long I have been here. Papa Brickolini must be worried already. And Mama Brickolini . . . oh bricks, Mama . . .
Hat Kid: H-hey! No need to cry! Come on - if you help me find my time piece, I promise I will help you find the . . . person . . . who ordered that pizza!
------
===Pepper Roni Wins===
Hat Kid: You . . . you hit like one of those mafia mobsters! Idiot! Meanie!
Pepper Roni: It’s not my fault all those food critics went missing. But actually - you look for something. I look for someone. Why not go looking together?
Hat Kid: As if! What makes you think I would do that? And also, what’s in for you? You already defeated me!
Pepper Roni: . . . Mama Brickolini always told me never to hit girls. Especially the . . . ah . . uhm . . . e-especially not the pretty ones.
Hat Kid: [A BLUSH IN TIME]
------
==Shiren the Wanderer vs The Gray Man==
===Beginning===
Shiren: (Weird. I can sense that at least a part of this place was created by The Makers, but there is something else controlling it )
Grey Man: . . . .
Shiren: (And what the hell is that . . . thing? It looks like it jumped right out of a fever dream.)
'''
Grey Man: . . . .
Shiren: (No matter. The exit probably will be revealed once I sent that gray guy back to Makai, or wherever it came from. Here goes!)
----
===Shiren the Wanderer Wins===
Grey Man: . . .
Shiren: (Well, that was surprisingly easy. I was worried this guy was one of those “Touch it and you die” kind of monsters).
Shiren: (Although I still wonder what kind of deranged mind might have spawned him.)
-----
===Grey Man Wins===
Shiren: (Not good! Not good, not good, not good! This freak broke through all my defenses!)
Grey Man: . . .
Shiren: H-hey! Hey you! Don’t come any closer, I’m warning you! If you take a single further step . . .
Grey Man: . . .
Shiren: A . . . a single further step . . . !
Grey Man: . . .
Shiren: I will kill you! I’m serious, I will kill you!
Grey Man: . . . .
[FADE TO BLACK]
------
==Zero (Mega Man) vs Flame Hyenard==
===Beginning===
Zero: So you’re that Hy-
Flame Hyenard: BURN TO THE GROUND
Zero: Wait, I-
Flame Hyenard: BURN BURN BURN BURN
Zero:´ The si-
Flame Hyenard: BURN TO THE GROUND
-----
===Zero Wins===
Category:Lore