Lara Croft's Suicide (Lost Episode of Tomb Raider)

Hi guys. I am Sam. Sam I am. Or Sam I was, for that matter; I really don't deserve any green eggs credit. I am an ordinary salesman for a taco shop. Or I was a salesman at one point. Regardless, I am unemployed by choice. I decided not to work anywhere. I lost my home. Everything. I originally had friends; but all rejected me after middle school because I was wearing a poorly-made Dr. Wiley cosplay during my 5th grade show and tell class while doing a bad Spider-Man impression. Plus I got blocked by Rian Johnson and Wil Wheaton on Twitter--the former because I was actually honest about how awfully disappointed I was with The Last Jedi--and the latter for not liking Ready Player One (both the book and the movie), I got permanently banned from a Rick and Morty Discord chatroom because I posted a long, allegorical review of how bad Season 3 was, and I'm currently in my 30s living with my parents; that's how life works. Probably at Bob's Burgers- I found a grappling hook!
Anyway, Tomb Raider was a great series. Wait, you haven't heard of the Tomb Raider series? Well, prior to being an Uncharted/Prince of Persia/God of War/Pitfall/X-Files/Metroid/Indiana Jones/Assassin's Creed/Kim Possible hybrid video game series (kinda more Tobe Hopper/Dave Chrohenberg-y if you ask me)- it was originally pitched to become an animated series for Kids WB; but the pilot episode was rejected due to many people believing that instead of being their direct response to Batman Animated; it ended up more sickening as time went on. I found the tape while working for a taco shop. Of course, the shop was abandoned; so I had to dust the grill and looked at something mysterious on the floor. It was a VHS tape, but it had a crooked sticker that said, "PILOT EP - TOMB RAIDER THE SERIES - IT'S GREAT - LOL."
It could've been a Mass Effect or Metroid series; but it wasn't. I muttered to myself, "Hwhat in the hell?" but I shrugged it off; because after doing even more research--based on my laptop that I still have fully charged to save battery power because I recycle a lot--from the recourse I found, according to an interview from one animator (not really specifying)--the animators, crew members, Eidos, creator Toby Guard, and Warner Bros. Animation claimed that the one whose lucky enough to find it will have to solve the first puzzle, a puzzle on how to raid a rabbit cave. Alas, I found an abandoned but still fixed TV/VCR combo as I put on the tape... and something horrifying happened. I mean granted the episode starts with a nice intro...
"HER NAME IS LARA CROFT SHE'S A BIG TOMB RAIDER SHE WILL RAISE SOME TOMBS GRAPPLING HOOKS SHE GOES INSANER
SHE'S THE DEFACTO OF HER OWNED CROFT MANOR THOUGH SHE LIKES TO WORK ALONE JUST TO BE A LITTLE MADDER
SHE IS THE TOMB RAIDER AND SHE HAS HER OWN SHOW IT'S TIME FOR THE TOMB RAIDER SHOW
PLUS LARA NEEDS SOME MEDICATION"
Now what I mean was nice catchy intro until the last line of the lyric which was about Lara needing medication. I think this might be a plot point of the series. Regardless the episode's title card read, "LARA CROFT'S SUICIDE." By that point I was shocked.
Lara Croft was shown with a more shaky and aggressive look than ever before. It looked like she was going to emotionally explode inside. To add insult to injury someone in the editing room somehow put in a song from Falling in Reverse called, "The Drug in Me is You," even though that song came out over a decade later; so maybe it's some fan edit who found this piece of lost media by splicing in some corporate butt-rock music at the last minute...I guess. Lara walked to the hallways finding her butler; but during that time she was muttering to herself about 9/11 conspiracies. I mean the video game franchise had to do with the Illuminati sure; but this went too far. The tape started the flicker as all I hear from Croft herself (the mouth was not moving btw), "I'm from the government," repeatedly over and over until 2 minutes later when there came silence. I felt some utter shock in my pulse. Did I just get a disease from this? ...propane.
Lara Croft then turns and twists her head in a 180-degree horizontal view by looking at the camera pausing the episode in intersperse seconds. She exclaims, "You ever heard of an animal smoking weed? Picture a rabbit doing meth. Then that said rabbit ends up devouring other sane rabbits alive only to eat you next." Her character design changed as her boobs expanded and a little more (cough, cough) "disheveled and/or hyper-realistic."
The next scene she tried so far to raid the tomb only to use a grappling hook to see where the rabbit tomb is and then violently shoots rabbits as hyper-realistic gore appeared. Seconds later, I can hear her sobbing realistically. But maybe too realistic, as I assume the voice actress was held via gunpoint. But umm... I then see her turn into an alien. Her boobs turned into a flat furry chest as if she was an other skin-identifier; she ended up having an erected nose, plus her eyes became beady like a teddy bear... and all along, Lara Croft... was ALF. ALF Croft looked at me in the camera breaking the fourth wall yet again, but was talking to me... he knew my name... "Sam I Am... come with me and you'll see what the world is like." His hand came out of the TV despite that it wasn't in 3D, but I grabbed his hand nevertheless; and I was sucked into the world of Melmac.
...but was Croft Manor actually ALF Manor of Melmac this whole time? He exclaimed the answer, "Melmac is pure imagination. Croft Manor is pure imagination. You are living in a fantasy world and that fantasy world is heaven."
THE END
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Category:Satire
Category:Vidya games
Category:Lost Episodes
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