The reaping

Hello. My name is John. I live in a small suburban town and I don't have many friends. I live alone and work as a cashier. Every day of my life flashes by and I have almost no memory of it. My life has become one large slog with tiny patches of happiness here and there. I live in an apartment and I am fat stoner loser weirdo with no talent. I occasionally play videogames but usually when I am rather high. This is the story of how some crazy shit happened to me and how I caused a disaster that killed the entire population of the USA and Canada.
I walked to work one evening and on the way some Asian chick came up to me and said "Do you want to increase your penis size?". I said no and walked past her. When I got to work, I wasn't my usual self. I trembled so hard to the point where I could barely type in the prices. I once even heard the voice of an elderly old man shout in my ear "DO IT, SONNY! IT WORKED WONDERS FOR ME! I CAN SCREW CRACK WHORES AGAIN!". I closed my eyes. This wasn't happening. It couldn't have been happening. But it was. I stumbled over and croaked a request to my Boss for a day off work and he obliged. He told me to get some prescription pills for whatever I had. He then told Martha she was working overtime. Martha glared at me. My gaze fell to the ground. An interesting floral pattern was developing on the normally tiled floor and was starting to coil around. I was sweating profusely. I ran screaming out of the store.
The hallucinations died down as I got home. I wasn't going out there again. No. No. No. No way. There was no way that was happening. I relaxed with a blanket. I reckoned it wasn't a good idea to smoke weed after.....whatever that was, so for the first time in my life I watched daytime TV sober. I kept seeing the Asian chick in every show I saw. Talk shows. Procedural cop dramas. Edgy teen dramas. Her voice was even in all the cartoons I watched! It was a fascinating game of spot the Asian chick that tried to sell me penis pills. I switched off eventually. What was with this? How was she in all these shows? Was she a super mega celebrity? I switched the TV on again and sure enough, she was there. I waited until the credits rolled with absolute glee. What was her name? What was her name? 
Her name was.... Aoi Miyazaki. I searched her up on Wikipedia and it said that she was an actress. There was a whole PAGE dedicated to the movies and TV shows she was in. The page was extremely large to boot. I switched off my smartphone. I sighed.
I decided to play videogames to take my mind off of all of this. This super famous actress who was SOMEHOW in all of these things without me knowing about her before looks exactly like a girl who tried to sell me penis pills. And I temporarily went insane for no reason at all. Sounds logical. At least, more logical than the dozen of other explanations floating around my head. I grab my Banjo-Kazooie cartridge from the shelf and plonk it into my N64. When I wasn't watching Will Smith movies high or starting arguments on /v/ I was playing this game. I had fond memories of this game. Every day I would come home from school and I would play Banjo-Kazooie for hours on end. And then middle school happened, homework got tougher and I was forced to buck up my ideas. 
As the game booted up, I noticed there was a tiny bit of lag. I assumed it was because the system and my cartridge were very old. I pressed A and the game froze. A message then flashed up saying "This cartridge isn't designed for the N64 system" or something along those lines. I was in shock. This had never happened before. "You stupid machine!" I cried. I was about to go to bed and watch Kill la kill on my iPad while drinking Mountain Dew but I was interrupted by a gurgling sound. I turned around to see Ecstasy pills and entrails seeping through the walls. I looked down to see that my body didn't exist. The hallucinations came back. "FUCK!" I screamed. Polygonal shapes rammed themselves into my eyes. I screamed and screamed but no saviour came. The hallucinations then died.
I was out of breath and on the floor. What would I see next? When they come back, will the hallucinations be even more intense? Why the fuck am I even hallucinating? I looked around and saw somrthing that shocked me even more. The Ecstasy pills and entrails were still there. I flopped back on the ground and sighed. "Fuck" I whimpered. I closed my eyes and saw a horrific creature with a pink, egg-shaped head. I jolted with shock but my eyes were locked shut. "Hello. I am PATRIXXX. I am God. I am love. I am life. I will Allahu Akbar all of your children" the creature said. To this day, I am thankful I am a /v/irgin. "Please help me. I am insane. I need to go back to work tomorrow" I said. "What you have is not insanity but unfiltered vision of the REAL world. The human mind alters it to make sense of all the madness and all the injustice. It does a piss poor job but a good enough one to stop people going completely gaga" said PATRIXXX. "I don't want this!" I said "I never asked for this!". "I don't really care" said PATRIXXX.
I opened my eyes. He was gone. I screamed. I shouted. I cried. I called for my mother and father. I am writing this story for you all to understand what I am about to do. I am going to send a little gift to Aoi. A bomb encased in an iPhone to be precise. When she activates it, it shall explode in her face, killing her. Why? Because I blame her. I don't know whether she is responsible or not but I still blame her. Who else do I have to blame? Remember this: when a girl asks you if you want to elongate your penis, kill her.
Thank you.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:NINTENDO SIXTY-FOOOUR
Category:EVIL PATRIXXX
Category:DIALOGUE!
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