Diosa Xochi Personal Timeline

== Early Years ==
My mother traveled with her uncle and his partner for a couple of years after leaving the mining town where she spent most of her youth. When she returned to the mining town after her years abroad, she met a man who had been contracted to work on the heavy equipment in the small mining town. He was jovial and a ladies' man. They fell in love and were soon married in the little town church and had a party with family and friends at the local hall.
I believe they were crazy about each other, at least in the first year. I was conceived a month before they were wed; which sort of rules out a shot-gun wedding. According to my mother, I showed signs of jealousy when my sister arrived on the scene when I was just over a year old. Mother said my father pushed me away and snuggled my sister. Apparently, this was a constant and consistent game for him while I was growing up, although I really don't remember any of it. My sister remembers it though.
My sister and I have since discussed this trippy behaviour of my dad's which really amounts to emotional abuse. My sister also thinks he went too far in his "loving up" and sexually abused her when she was little. She doesn't remember being raped as a young girl but he was essentially out of our lives by the time I was 7 and my sister 5 or 6. No wonder my mother celebrated when my dad died a few years later.
Recently, I looked up my dad's youngest brother and the only living sibling. At 72 he had been sober for a number of years. I found him extremely eccentric and just as jovial as I remember him the last time I saw him some 30 years ago. I was fascinated by his stories, but alarmed at the antics, the games and the mind-tripping that seemed normal to him and remotely familiar to me. Since I've had time to reflect on all of this, it is obviously to me now that my dad's family grew up this way, and the games must have seemed normal to my father though of course it was exacerbated by his binge drinking and verbal and physical abuse.
I remember that I had written a birthday card to my father just before he died and I remember my mother asking me why I bothered. I don't think she asked because she thought he shouldn't be in my life, but it is an example of my consistent efforts to win his favour throughout my childhood.
Looking back, trying to win favour was one of my earliest skills. Put together with my lack of understanding in dealing with men in a healthy way, the act of trying to win favour with men, though in a disconnected way, was the theme of my youthful experiences. I really don't remember valuing any relationships with men in a way which could have provided some good solid experiences. I used these connections as a game or a challenge and by winning favour, I would then feel the surge of success. Once favour was granted, I didn't need the man any more and would go on to pursue further challenges. Thus was the addictive quality of my experiences. By succeeding in being granted favour with men, however it was achieved, I had come to the end of that path and there wasn't much else to do with it but turn and pursue different experiences.
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