Alzheimers Groundhog's Day

__NOTOC__
==Act I==
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1</br>
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2</br>That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not.
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK</br>
Happy Groundhog Day Dad!
JOHN</br> 
Dad? Who are you? I don't have a son.
MARK</br>
Of course you do dad. I'm your favourite son. In fact your favourite child. Happy 75th birthday!
JOHN</br>
I thought it was Groundhog Day?
MARK</br>
You were born on Groundhog Day.
JOHN</br>
I was?
MARK</br>
Yes you were Dad.
JOHN</br>
Dad? I don't have any kids. Who are you?
MARK</br>
I'm your son Dad. Your favourite son. Happy 75th birthday
JOHN</br>
I thought it was Groundhog Day.
MARK</br>
It's both Groundhog Day AND your birthday. 
JOHN</br>
Okay great.
MARK</br>
I have breakfast set up for you downstairs and then a special birthday gift.
JOHN</br>
Hawt digity dawg!
Mark helps his father down the stairs. It takes 15 minutes to get half way down. John slips and then falls down the stairs. With each step he hits he breaks a leg bone or a rib and then fractures his skull. By the time he hits the bottom everything fades to black.
==Act II==
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1</br>
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2</br>
That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK</br>
Happy Groundhog Day Dad!
JOHN</br> 
Dad? Who are you? I don't have a son.
MARK</br>
Of course you do dad. I'm your favourite son. In fact your favourite child. Happy 75th birthday!
JOHN</br>
I thought it was Groundhog Day.
MARK</br>
You were born on Groundhog Day.
JOHN</br>
I was?
MARK</br>
Yes you were Dad.
JOHN</br>
Dad? I don't have any kids. Who are you?
MARK</br>
I'm your son Dad. Your favourite son. Happy 75th birthday.
JOHN and MARK (at the same time):</br>
I though it was Groundhog Day?
MARK</br>
I knew you were going to say that.
JOHN</br>
What did you know?
MARK</br>
I knew what you were going to say.
JOHN</br>
What did I say?
MARK</br>
I thought it was Groundhog Day?
JOHN</br>
It is? I thought it was my birthday.
MARK</br>
Well dad. I have breakfast set up for you downstairs and then a special birthday gift.
JOHN</br>
Hawt digity dawg!
It takes 25 minutes for them to go downstairs. Mark is extremely careful and manages to get his father down the stairs and seated at the table. He puts his hand over a silver plate cover.
MARK</br>
I've made your favourite breakfast.
JOHN</br>
Oh great what is it? I don't remember what my favourite breakfast is.
MARK</br>
It's pickled eggs swimming in a bowl of mayonnaise.
JOHN</br>
It is?
MARK</br>
You've eaten it every day as long as I've known you.
JOHN</br>
You know me?
MARK</br>
Yes I'm your son.
JOHN</br> 
I don't have a son.
MARK</br>
Yes you do. I'm your favourite son.
JOHN</br>
Are those pickled eggs for me?
MARK</br>
Yes it's for your birthday.
JOHN</br>
It's my birthday?
MARK</br>
Yes. Eat up and then I'll have a special surprise for you.
John starts to eat his pickled egg but then falls asleep face first in the bowl of mayonnaise. Mark tries to save his father from drowning in the mayonnaise but he is too late. Everything fades to black.
==Act III==
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1</br>
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2</br>
That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK</br>
Happy Groundhog Day Dad!
JOHN</br> 
Dad? Who are you? I don't have a son.
MARK</br>
Of course you do dad. I'm your favourite son. In fact your favourite child. Happy 75th birthday!
JOHN</br>
I thought it was Groundhog Day.
MARK</br>
You were born on Groundhog Day.
JOHN</br>
I was?
MARK</br>
Yes you were Dad.
JOHN</br>
Dad? I don't have any kids. Who are you?
MARK</br>
I'm your son Dad...wait. Wait a minute.
JOHN</br>
Why wait...what's wrong?
MARK</br>
I've been here before.
JOHN</br>
Huh?
MARK</br>
We've been here before.
JOHN</br>
Of course it's my room.
MARK</br>
No I mean we've had this conversation before.
JOHN</br>
How could we...I don't even know who you are.
MARK</br>
Dad let's go have breakfast and then I have a big surprise for your birthday.
JOHN</br>
I though it was Groundhog Day.
MARK</br>
It's both Groundhog Day AND your birthday. 
JOHN</br>
Okay great.
MARK</br>
I have breakfast set up for you downstairs and then a special birthday gift.
JOHN</br>
Hawt digity dawg!
Mark carries his father down the stairs to avoid any issues. He decides to play it safe and makes some toast and bread keeping anything sharp such as knives away from his father. His father spends 25 minutes chewing on the toast. When he is done the doorbell rings.
MARK</br>
I'll get it dad.
JOHN</br>
Why does this little pecker head keep calling me dad?
Mark opens the door and a beautiful nurse walks in. 
MARK</br>
Hi I'm glad you could make it.
NURSE</br> 
No problem.
MARK</br>
He's in the dining room.
They walk into the dining room.
MARK</br>
Dad look it here. I've hired you a nurse.</br>
JOHN</br>
I don't need a nurse.</br>
MARK</br>
This isn't just any nurse Dad.
JOHN</br>
Listen you little fucker. I don't have any children.
MARK</br>
Yes you do dad. I'm your son. Your favourite son.
JOHN</br>
Well if you are my son then I regret having you.
MARK (to the nurse):</br>
He seems a little cranky today.
NURSE</br>
Well we will have to find a way to make him better.
JOHN</br>
Get out of my house both of you!
MARK</br>
Dad I hired this Nurse for you as a birthday present.
JOHN</br>
Today isn't my birthday. My birthday is on Groundhog Day.
NURSE</br>
It is Groundhog Day Mr. Smith.
JOHN</br>
Who are you?
NURSE</br>
I'm your Nurse.
JOHN</br>
If you're my Nurse then take my blood pressure. My heart is beating like crazy.
MARK</br>
That's not why I hired her dad.
JOHN</br>
Then what did you hire her for? You people are upsetting me. Get out of my house!
MARK</br>
Dad you need to calm down!
John starts to have a heart attack. Mark and the Nurse panic and try to help him. Everything fades to black.
==ACT IV==
John is in his bed and the alarm clock goes off.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1</br>
It's Grouuuuuuuundhog Day!!!!
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2</br>
That's right. Welcome to another sunny day in beautiful Pittsburgh. Today we're gonna find out if our winter will last another few weeks or not
John is confused and doesn't really know where he is. The door opens and his son Mark enters.
MARK</br>
Good morning Dad. Happy birthday!
JOHN</br>
Who are you?
MARK</br>
I'm your son and we seem to keep repeating this day again and again.
JOHN</br>
What?
MARK</br>
We are in some kind of time loop and I'm certain that the only way we can get out of this is if you finally get your birthday present.
JOHN</br>
It's my birthday?
MARK</br>
But every time I keep trying to give it to you...you die.
JOHN</br>
Am I dead?
MARK</br>
No...not yet but I have to get you your birthday present before you die this time. 
JOHN</br>
What is my birthday present?
MARK</br>
It's a nurse.</br>
JOHN</br>
I don't need a nurse.</br>
MARK</br>
It's not what you think.
JOHN</br>
What do you mean?
MARK</br>
It's a special nurse.</br>
JOHN</br>
What kind of a special nurse?</br>
MARK</br>
She isn't really here to help you but she's going to titty fuck you.
JOHN</br>
A titty fuck?
MARK</br>
Yes. You haven't had sex since mom died 25 years ago. And I want you to get laid before you die.
JOHN</br>
A titty fuck. Why on earth would it be a titty fuck?
MARK</br>
You hired a nurse to titty fuck me on my 18th birthday.
JOHN</br>
I did? Sounds like I wasn't a very good father.
MARK</br>
You were the greatest father a son could ever have.
JOHN</br>
I don't know if my heart could handle a titty fucking.
MARK</br>
The Nurse will take care of everything. And honestly I don't think I can take another day of this time loop shit. So I'm going to give you five times your normal blood pressure and heart medicine and I'll add a Viagra into the mix. I don't want you having a heart attack again before the titty fuck.
Mark grinds up the pill, adds it to water and forces his father to drink it.
JOHN</br>
That tastes terrible. What makes you so sure the titty fuck is what will get us out of the time loop?
MARK</br>
It's more or less how it worked for Bill Murray.
JOHN</br>
I don't think we saw the same movie. I don't want to titty fuck.
MARK</br>
Listen Dad. You're going to titty fuck this Nurse and enjoy it. End of discussion.
JOHN</br>
This isn't a very nice birthday.
MARK</br>
It will be nice once things get started.
The doorbell rings.
MARK</br>
There she is.
He goes down and brings the nurse up to the bedroom.
MARK</br>
It might be ten minutes before his Viagra starts working.
The nurse takes off her top.
NURSE</br>
How are we going to do this?
MARK</br>
It's just a titty fuck.
NURSE</br>
Okay. Are you going to stay in the room..?
MARK</br>
I better stay in here to make sure nothing goes wrong.
NURSE</br>
It costs more if you stay in the room.
MARK</br>
Fine. I don't care. Just...get going as soon as my father is hard.
JOHN</br>
Who are you?
MARK</br>
Dad this is your nurse. She's going to titty fuck you.
JOHN</br>
Why?
MARK</br>
Because that's how the world works these days. The government sends a nurse to old men's bedrooms on the 75th birthday and titty fucks them.
JOHN</br>
Has America become a socialist republic?
MARK</br>
Yeah. Whatever.
JOHN</br>
Well at least I'll get something out of my tax dollars.
John's penis begins to grow. Background music are two french horns playing a little beat. The Nurse mounts her breasts on top of John's 75 year old penis. The strings grow louder until the Chorus from Beethoven's 9th Symphony Roars at top volume. In slow motion the nurse's breasts jump up and down around John's 75 year old half-stiff penis. Beethoven's 9th symphony is now blasting in the background. At the climax of the chorus, John's orgasms all over the nurse's breasts. He then has a heart attack and dies.
NURSE</br>
Oh my God did he just have a heart attack?
MARK</br>
Yes he did. And we are still here!
NURSE</br>
Of course we are still here. Aren't you going to call an ambulance?
MARK</br>
No you don't understand...usually when he dies things fade to black. But we are still here.
NURSE</br>
You're the weirdest fucking father and son I've ever met. And I've met some weird ass people.
Mark jumps up and down for joy. The sound from the clock radio grows.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1</br>
So it turns out the groundhog didn't see his shadow. Soooooo...winter is over.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2</br>
Well that's great news.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1</br>
Time to announce today's birthday. Mark Smith wishes his father John Smith a happy 75th birthday. He also hopes that his explosive birthday present will end with a bang.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 2</br>
Nice to see that there are still kids out there who care about their parents.
RADIO ANNOUNCER 1</br>
It sure is.
Cue the end sequence to Beethoven's 9th symphony ending with an orchestral frenzie
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Category:FA Health and Medicine
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