Microsoft Products Online Technical Support

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WELCOME
Welcome. You have reached Uncyclopedia's Help Desk for Microsoft products. Please feel free to leave your questions here. Make sure to read the service agreement below carefully before proceeding. 
SYSTEM TERMINATED
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REBOOTING SYSTEM
Welcome. You have reached Uncyclopedia's Help Desk for Microsoft products. Please feel free to leave your questions here. 
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65.31.196.27 writes: I tried upgrading to service pack 2 but the illegal copy of M$ winblows I had wouldn't let me. It was promising me a firewall like linux a web browser with popup blocking like mozilla and a lot of other cool shit. But i couldn't get it without giving a blood sample and urine test to microsoft first.
:Uncyclopedia replies: Did you know we can make $200 by informing Microsoft you have an illegal copy of their software? If you give us your name and address, we can help you further.
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 writes: Can I load Win XP on all my 15 junker Packard Bell computers? I only bought one license.
:Uncyclopedia replies: In a word, no. In three words, "no, you dumbass". Have you checked into OS/2? Mighty hot operating system there and only a few decades old.
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81.51.129.60 writes: liek i am download XP upgrade and is in liek chinese or something. i am not chinese person. why ms do this. i cry.
:Uncyclopedia replies: Installation can be confusing. Usually you have to click one or more buttons. This is hard for certain people. Get a Chinese person to help you.
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 writes: h3lp m3 i am t3h 1337 bt ms n0t 1337 15 it pr0bl3m w1th m3?! lol
:Uncyclopedia replies: No hablo Espanol.
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666.666.666.666 writes: I bought this from Bill Gates himself saying it'd be the best way to make hell easy, all it did was set this computer on fire.
:Uncyclopedia replies: You should have been more specific when requesting your OEM license. Now you wasted a good chunk of the souls you collected paying for that.
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BlahFooBar writes: Windows crashed on me with the BSOd over 3,574,674,444 times. Should I switch to Linux? I hear it offers better performance for free.
:Uncyclopedia replies: Of course you should. Now please hold the line while your call is being traced.
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 writes: I logged into Vista for the first time, and for my wallpaper, I got a picture of child porn. Are you guys really that sick?!
:Uncyclopedia replies: Me no speak teh English! Me no understand you!
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Iamnotauser writes: Every three seconds i get messages saying things like "In Soviet Russia, XP service pack 2 downloads YOU!!" it is quite annoying, as it closes all the programs and opens itself. Whats happening?
:Uncyclopedia replies: It would seems that you are operating the Russian version of the service pack. If this is in fact the case, this is quite normal, as in Soviet Russia, Service Pack 2 operates YOU!!
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I like chainsaws... writes: when I go into word that little clippy guy makes a speech bubble saying "click here for cabbage" Nervously, I reach over ad click it, and it disappears. I think, hmm? oh well, and continue with life. The next day, I turn on the news, and guess what? The reporter says, "Our top story tonight; a man was walking down the street and suddenly, out of nowhere, several cabbages appear and brutally murder the man. More on the story as it develops." I suddenly think, OMG, did this have anything to do with that clippy thing? What is wrong?
:Uncyclopedia replies: It would seems that you triggered the new and shiny error module of CSoD (Cabbage Screen of Death). Unlike the now obsolete BSoD, this module does not crash the computer but dissipates the error string into the time/space continuum as to not to crash the local computer. We were not sure up until this moment what actually happens after that. Now we know. Thank you for participating in our user's feedback program.
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4.252.99.182 writes: go eat shit fuckers
:Uncyclopedia replies: Uh...thanks for your feedback.
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127.0.0.1 writes: Whn I prss th ky btwn w and r my computr starts playing Th Hamstr Danc. How do I mak it stop?
:Uncyclopedia replies: You obviously have severe spelling issues and/or your right lobe is not connecting with the left because you did not upgrade your brains to Windows Vista. We are therefore delighted to offer you a complimentary spelling service, activated by our new MS-Ceridwyn, yet another fabulous service by Microsoft. You should also consider a lobotomy. Thank you for using the Microsoft Products Online Support.
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$$PlayBoy1997$$ writes: my bezt friend gave me illegal copies of Manhunt and Postal. When I started tu play the BSOD appeared and eat the CDs. Whats that all about???ß PLZ help me hez going to tell it to my motharr :-(
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear PlayBoy, We are deeply disappointed that you chose to use illegal copies thereby denying the lawful owners their rightful pay and thus, denying Microsoft its usual ten percent Windows Integration Support and Modulation Fee. You have been very naughty. Go to bed, you are not having any dinner tonight young man.
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 writes: I'm planning of upgrading to XP MCE 2005 after I buy my NVIDIA DualTV Tuner Card and I'm wondering If I can have the full experience of Vista?...
:Uncyclopedia replies: A good and fine question you have there, Mr. NXWave, but one must ask himself, what is the full experience of the Vista? What is the Vista? Only the chosen ones may inquire to the never ending depths of the Vista. Please don't hesitate to apply for the inner circle of the Vista in order to be enlightened. Thank you for using our online technical support services.
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CATS writes: How are you gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha...
:Uncyclopedia replies: We are the Microsoft. You shall be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
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 writes: Um, yes, hello, I'm running a copy of Windows® Pirated Edition, and was curious as to how I could get around their security features, while using the product to make money. If this is illegal, please don't tell me; I prefer to live in a fantasy world.
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear Leddy, since we're always glad to satisfy our customers, even if you be so kind to download the MS-Unsecurify patch. Your satisfaction is guaranteed.
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 writes: Hello. I stuck a pie into the CD tray of my computer to see if it could warm it up, but it's still cold as ever. How do I make it tie my shoes?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear Insineratehymn, You see that big red button marked ON on the front of your machine? That's right. Press it. Press it like you mean it. That'll warm up your pie real good. As for your shoe laces, we'd be more than happy to explain. Put on shoes. Bend over. take left shoelace in right hand. Imagine this here is a crappy quote. Quoticide it mercilessly. Repeat action for other shoe lace. There you go! You now own a pair of hopelessly knotted snickers. Thank you for using the Microsoft Online Lacing Service.
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 writes: If Mac OS X is suddenly installed onto my computer, Does this void my warrenty?
:Uncyclopedia replies: What warranty?
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 writes: Hello, me @g@in. Whenever I use the letter '@' on my keybo@rd, @ mess@ge pops up th@t re@ds: C@t@strophic F@ilure Error #69 -- You've been h@cked, dipshit! I find this @ bit of @n inconvenience, @s I prefer using the @ctu@l letter @s opposed to the '@' symbol. Ple@se em@il my computer its proper prescription, so I m@y send it to bed e@rly with some chicken soup @nd hope it gets well soon. 
:Uncyclopedia replies: Catastrophic Failure Error #69 -- You've been hacked, dipshit!
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 writes: BioShock is already crapping up my system, Hell even when I try to play. My character doesn't respond correctly and I keep getting killed, What can I do to improve and/or get rid of that?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Try reading the manual to learn how to play first, then maybe you will die less, but still a lot.
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 writes: I keep getting this error when I play music with a visualizer in iTunes, a few seconds into the song it comes up with the message
"Apple Subliminal Advertising has been detected, Microsoft has unfortunately stopped this program because you were about to spend money on an non-Microsoft product. We're sorry for any inconvenience."
What can I do to make sure that the message does not some up again in the future?
:Uncyclopedia replies: You should buy more Microsoft productsYou should buy more Microsoft productsYou should buy more Microsoft productsYou should buy more Microsoft productsYou should buy more Microsoft productsYou should buy more Microsoft productsYou should buy more Microsoft productsYou should buy more Microsoft products
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AConcernedParent writes: I turned on Parental Controls in Vista to make sure that my kid was safe and when I checked on my computer, I saw lots of viruses, trojans, spyware, worms and porn loaded onto my system. What is this and how do I fix this?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear concerned parent. This is a well known phenomenon usually addressed to as Bad Education. This is usually related to parents being too busy at work and THAT is usually related to work place using, heaven forbid, unreliable open source products. We strongly suggest you update your work IT systems, thereby allowing more valuable time with your little rascals. Thank you for your time.
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 writes: Some guy keeps IM'ing me on Windows Messenger asking about Jenny, How could I possibly stop this?
:Uncyclopedia replies: You might consider taking off the clothing-challenged picture of Jenny McCarthy you placed on your profile.
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 writes: My computer is only 3 years old, how come i can't run Crysis on it? Your windows 98 sucks balls.
:Uncyclopedia replies: You seem to forget that computer years are measured same as dog years. Meaning: 1st year equals=14 years, and each additional one as 7 years. Hence, your computer is 28 years old, use I/O devices which consist of large magnetic roles, punctured cards, takes up a large football field and sound like a medium size tractor. Also, kindly check your facts next time. It is a known fact that our Windows 98 sucks triangles.
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 writes: I heard there's this open source Windows clone that aims to steal all of your money, What is your response to this?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Many thanks for your updates, dear sir. We have already devised a tight ass Windows counter clone, which aims to steal back everything that was stolen from us AND charge all windows users for the development fees of creating that counter counter clone. Also, from now on we will be forced to charge all users who use this tech support system for their usage. Please hold the line as this call is being traced.
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 writes: My comptr sux lulz. I nedd betr comptr, cn any1 recomd new comptr?
:Uncyclopedia replies: We're sorry, but Microsoft does not currently carry a product that is friendly to the woefully inept. Apple, however, makes a variety of products that can be used by orangutans such as yourself.
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 writes: My comptr is GAY! it gav me an F on my asignmnt, cn u recomnd a comptr tht wil giv me an A on my asignmnt???
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear LotofLOLS. We have carefully reviewed your problem and our bottom line is simple: you like bottoms. That's why you keep being obsessed with GAY this and GAY that. Allow us to help you with the brand new MS-OUTING, your proprietary solution for forced publishing!
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 writes: Is it normal for Windows to run, even if the computer is turned off... - and unplugged?
:Uncyclopedia replies: But of course. Our brand new Windows Vista is planned to tap into your frontal lobe and rely on bio-energy when your computer is shut down. If you are feeling weak and woozy, we recommend you turn on your computer. Now, SURRENDER YOUR SOUL!
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nyp write I recenty purce one o your eybor ti evenin n ten wen I cme ome, I notice ti eybor i miin it ome row. Cn I repce my eybor to eybor tt te ome row? I oun it very inconvenient people ont now wt Im saying now.
:Uncyclopedia replies: Ah yes, the ever recurring keyboard issue, we have encountered that in the past. Hold on, we'll fix it in a jiffy. <distant sounds of laughter, feet stomping, line goes dead> 
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 writes: Is there any way to move the mouse without giving me a message saying that you have moved your mouse and Windows must now restart your computer?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear buggy, there is, in fact, a way. You need to stop moving your mouse. 
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blackknight109 writes: I've tried to install a Linux inside mah TwistedVista(Pirated And Upgrayeded Ed.),but every time i put the disc in the dvd,the darn thing spits it out and showz me teh finger...So WTF?! Can I do sumtin to get back at teh lil ungrateful bastard?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear Blackknight, what you are trying to achieve here is similar to placing an elephant inside an ostrich. When you manage to achieve that, call us back and we can move forward. 
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 writes: I'm itchy.
:Uncyclopedia replies: that's because you haven't taken a shower in three years. 
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 writes: I bought a weird SUN T1000 PC with 13G of RAM and i did not like the OS sunlaris or suloris (don't remember teh name, sorry), so i bought Windows Vista Ultimate 64bits (T1000 is 64bit ;-)®) but it doesn't boot, i have tried everything but nothing works :(. It shows the following message every time i reboot: "OK>". Could you please help me out?. Thanx in advance.
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear dvduncyspan, there's obviously nothing we need to fix since it's all "OK>". Please don't waste our time in the future. 
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 writes: I am attempting to install Windows Vista Service Pack 1, but the computer says that it requires full access to the integrated Registry "HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE", before it can proceed with the update. Where is the 'Machine' located (i.e. in which city), and how can I give the computer access to it?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear Gbrading, the "machine" is located in a secure holding adjacent to the castle of Edinburgh. To get access to that machine you must first tame the Scottish nation. As the English miserably failed with this task for the last Hundredths years, good luck with that! p.s. HKEY_LOCAL_USER is located in the back alleys of Baltimore. 
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Moduoperandi writes: Every time the lights in my room go dark, my computer does too. I've troubleshot my computer, to no avail. The only recent change to my system was a new cordless mouse to replace the old one, which I can't find. Also, when the lights turn themselves off, the food in my fridge and freezer somehow slowly becomes room temperature, while in winter my whole house gets really cold. So to sum up, long story short, my question is; on what day am I supposed to set my clocks ahead this year?
:Uncyclopedia replies: The name of the train driver is Joe. 
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 writes: I downloaded some porn onto my computer recently, and now it's running really slow. Could I get a quick fix please? My mom has to use this computer too, you know.
:Uncyclopedia replies: Dear Mat, we'll talk about this at home. Regards, Petuniafen, Senior Microsoft Support Manager. 
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Patrick Star writes: Is this Pizza Castle?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Patrick, we do have a special promotion with Pizza Castle for a coupon for a free extra-large pizza with unlimited toppings when you buy an Xbox 360.
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GNU Addict writes: When will Notepad have support for Emacs Lisp scripts? The Windows version of Emacs sucks and I prefer a native application. My boss won't let me install GNU/Linux on my workstation or SSH to my machine at home. Cygwin is not an option either.
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unknown writes: After I install a new graphic card, then turned on the display, the display now looks like its wreaking havoc and after 1 minute the display goes had a static. What should I do?
:Uncyclopedia replies: Go destroy your monitor.
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 writes: When I opened InterActual 2.0 it messed up my computer, reversed text strings and opened a game of 42. What should I do?
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Category:Computers
Category:Pages that look like the things they're about