All Presidents Are Related 100% True Story!

Have you ever wondered why all Presidents of the United States of America are always American? Neither have I, but this simple question might possibly be the key to unlocking the tomb of secrets behind under Joseph Stalin's grave in France.
You might be asking yourself this "Why would Joseph Stalin's grave be located in France of all places?", this is a common question that needs to be asked even more while standing on top of a wooden crate and wearing a tin foil hat. Joseph Stalin was a communist, right? WRONG! He was Adolf Hitler's half brother and so was Winston Churchill, President Roosevelt, and who ever was in control of Japan (What you actually want me to research that? Since when did you start giving a shit?). You may be saying to yourself or shouting out loud at your computer screen as I do a lot asking "You better give me some goddamn evidence or else I'm going to get the CIA on the line to probe your rat infested anus!" but the fact is, the truth has been hidden in that exact tomb in France.
You see, how was President Truman going to nuke Japan twice by himself? The CIA helped him? Bullshit! The Nazis created a device so devastating it led to both the future Vietnam War and Canadian-American War (Never heard of that? That's because they hide the evidence from you!), this weapon of mass genocide was called, the sex doll. You see Adolf Hitler knew his men were either masturbating during firefights or masturbating at base, so to help comfort them he created the sex doll, this allowed to men to both simulate real sex during firefights, but also protect themselves with their weak plastic, air-filled bodies. It was genius.
The sex doll was later recovered from Auschwitz by the Russians who also found Adolf Hitler, alive and well. Now after the Third Reich fell, many suspected Hitler to have committed suicide, but this isn't true, you see the skull that was supposedly Hitler's was actually Edward Snowden's (You know that guy that was relevant back in 2013 and no one gives a single shit about now.). You see, the CIA managed to kidnap Snowden in his sleep at Russia back in February 2015 from wherever he is currently whistleblowing his ass off. The CIA has proved to have time travel machines in the past, such as when they caused every disaster ever or when they caused every assassination ever, they have the power and to add even more evidence on the pile of baseless facts I pull out my ass they murdered him and tore his skull out from his head, but not before giving him a bullet to the head. Afterwards, they time traveled back to the period of Europe's history we historians like to call "Eurape" for the amount of sex that took place, possibly even with the recovered sex dolls, and placed the skull placed it in Hawaii because President Obama doesn't know where Germany was or is.
Why did they do that you may be asking or left already because this is getting to dumb and stupidly complicated for a idiotic conspiracy theory with no evidence to be found. I'll pretend you're still here and continue on, they covered it up because Adolf Hitler was actually related to Lincoln because of reasons I have evidence for that I will not tell you or ever bring up again later. So because Hitler was related to Lincoln, Obama felt it was really conclusive and weird that Hitler would be taken back in time by the CIA disguised as Russians to time travel back and murder John Wilkes Booth. Afterwards Hitler, then walked off with the rifle he shot Booth in the head with and thanked the CIA agents for allowing him to murder someone who killed a relative of his he didn't even give a shit about to feel a fake sense of redemption for killing a shit ton of innocent Jews, Gypsies, and others.
He then tipped his Nazi cap to them and the Hitler rap "To Be or Not To Be" by Mel Brooks started playing at the end of this whole thing. So to answer the long, mindboggling question, how are all Presidents of the United States related, magnets.
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