Vortex

Vortex is a generic term used to describe the various circular forces that exist in the universe. Its plural form is vortices and the inherent power of a vortex is expressed in units of vorticity.Vorticity was the original name of the rock band "The Police's" 1983 release Synchronicity but was later changed by Sting because it was deemed too synonymous with sucking Its physical properties involve a spinning, turbulent flow of matter which transports selective materials from one place to another. The speed and rate of rotation is greatest at the center, then decreases progressively with distance from the Event Horizon, which really sucked as a movie. Vortices are fundamental forces of nature, which is why they can be found almost anywhere.
thumb|150px|left|Have you hugged your vortex today?
Familiar vortices in the everyday world
*Flushing the toilet
*Draining the bathtub
*Your kitchen sink's garbage disposal
*Dust Devils
*Breathing
*Digestion 
*A washing machine
*Siphoning gas from your neighbor's car
*Barbara Striesand
== The Hydraulic Vortex ==
thumb|250px|The warm swirling waters of the hydraulic vortex can either relax or destroy you
===Whirlpool/Jacuzzi/Toilet=== 
A swirling body of water produced by ocean tides, a water pump or kinetic storage which flushes to an event horizon, bathtub drain or toilet. A large, powerful whirlpool is also known as a maelstrom which has the devastating effect of destroying boats not unlike a random Godzilla attack. A hydraulic vortex with mega-vorticity is even more powerful than a maelstrom and therefore more powerful than Godzilla, hypothetically providing a potential method for destroying "The King of monsters".
===The Bermuda Triangle===
It's no mystery that the Bermuda Triangle phenomenon is nothing more than a hydraulic vortex with mega-vorticity that destroys boats and planes while leaving no trace. The wreckage of its helpless victims are never found because the vortex has sucked the debris down to the event horizon, which in this case would be the earth's core. Independent scholar Immanuel Velikovsky proposed that matter consumed by such a vortex would ultimately re-emerge at the north pole, providing materials for Santa's workshop, as part of his theory on the phenomenon of "re-gifting"Velikovsky would later abandon this theory in favor of a new one that explained re-gifting as the product of being someone nobody likes. Scientists would later leaf to this as the "The Velikovsky Effect"
== The Biological Vortex ==
thumb|220px|left|Felines are highly attuned to the vortices that surround them. Not only are they mesmerized by the Hydraulic vortex but these Bengal Tiger kittens have assembled themselves in the familiar vortex pattern.
===Feline Vortices===
What cat owner has not seen their pet feline rotate in circles while doing kitty business in the litter box? Depending on how much time you actually stare at your cat taking a dump, you might also notice that they bury their litter box deposits in a vortex pattern as well. When petting a happy feline, it's not unusual to witness them receive affection in a vortex pattern, circling from head to tail around your extended hand. Cats are one of the most highly attuned animals to natural vortices and respond instinctively by flowing with them.
===Canine Vortices=== 
Dogs create, respond to, and mimic natural vortices but not in the same manner as felines. What dog owner has not seen their beloved pet aimlessly circling around an oval throw rug to find the perfect, symmetrical position before laying down to sleep? Smaller dogs are well known for using the vortex pattern in a defensive situation. When a stranger approaches their territory, they will quickly rotate in a vortex pattern while barking incessantly. Due to their diminutive stature, a small dog uses the fear and power associated with vortices to scare off intruders. Larger dogs are often seen using the hydraulic vortex as a source of fresh water.
===Avian Vortices===
What bird watcher has not seen a group organized birds in their flocks, circling around a specific point before either landing or continuing to fly? All species of birds incorporate the biological vortex in their daily lives. The most visible vortices occur during communal flying patterns known as "flocking". Groups of tens to hundreds of certain species will fly circular vortex patterns in precise uniformity, showing their particular attenuation to unseen vortex forces inherent in their environment. When you see this behavior, it might appear to be the work of unseen demons but it's more than likely that someone has flushed a toilet nearby and the birds are simply reacting to the radiated magnetic fluctuations inherent in human defecation activities.
===Human Vortices=== 
What human owner hasn't seen someone interact with a toilet or walk around in circles attempting to remember something? Most humans are dimly aware of the complex biological vortex patterns inherent in their lives. The way we eat, breath and defecate is uniquely accomplished by using the vortex pattern. When eating and breathing, the anatomical structure of the esophagus creates vortices much like the barrel of a gun does when a rifle is fired.The first attempts to prove this theory ended in tragedy when it was assumed that this phenomenon allowed people to catch bullets with their mouthsWhether it's food, air, speech or a bullet, the projectile is forced to rotate through its space. When digesting food the stomach acts much like a small bathtub, creating a vortex when it drains. When humans defecate, the lower intestines act much like the esophagus and force the excrement to slowly spin with every movement.
== The Atmospheric Vortex ==
thumb|250px|Minya (center) fires radioactive energy rings at a giant spider
===Smoke Ring=== 
A ring of cigarette smoke which persists for a surprisingly long time illustrates the slow rate at which viscosity dissipates the energy of a ring vortex in Earth's atmosphere.As documented by Albert Einstein who first postulated ring theory after riding the rails with hobos in the 1930's The potential power of smoke ring vortices and their ability to transmit energy at high distances can be best illustrated in the 1967 film "Son Of Godzilla, where the adoptive son "Minya" manipulates the atmospheric vortex when firing radioactive energy rings at enemies.
===Tornado===
A violent windstorm characterized by a twisting, funnel-shaped cloud. A weaker version of the tornado, over water, is called a waterspout. Often called a "twister" by laymen, tornadoes rule the dry flat plains of the world where mostly poor people live. Its proclivity at finding and destroying trailer-parks affirms it's role as a wandering, atmospheric garbage disposal. Art clearly imitated life in the classic 1939 film "The Wizard Of Oz" where an illegitimate, adolescent girl from a poor Kansas family gets whisked away by a tornado and lands in a kingdom filled with evil witches, flying monkeys and midgets.
===Hurricane=== 
A large, swirling vortex of clouds produced by warm, evaporated hot-tub water interacting in the upper atmosphere with Earth's own electromagnetic vortex. This phenomenon is a prime example of the dangers of frequency amplification caused by interactions of atmospheric and electromagnetic vorticity. Similar, but far greater vortices are also seen on other planets, such as the Great Red Spot on Jupiter and the intermittent Great Dark Spot on Neptune.
== The Electromagnetic and Gravitational Vortex ==
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===Sunspot=== 
A dark region on the Sun's photosphere marked by lower temperatures than its surroundings and an intense, swirling electromagnetic vortex. Sunspots and the material they eject during a "solar flare" are the products of inter-dimensional connections with distant event horizons. Simply put, there are event horizons all over the universe and they have to empty out somewhere, just like your toilet's contents eventually wind up at the sewage treatment plant. A sunspot ejects processed material that's been collected from unseen event horizons elsewhere in the galaxy. The planet earth experiences these discharges as "solar wind".
===Black Hole=== 
The accretion disk created by the event horizon of a black hole, or any other massive gravitational source, acts like a galactic-sized garbage disposal by devouring everything that comes within its range of gravitational attraction. In some spiral galaxies, like our own Milky Way, it's been recently discovered that black holes exist at the galactic center to provide proper sanitation and debris removal for the more affluent and influential galaxy.Galaxies which are anchored by black holes have been proven to have better schools and lower crime rates
===Spiral Galaxy===
The most affluent of all galaxies, the spiral galaxy (as noted in the Hubble sequence) is characterized by a thin, rotating disk. Earth's galaxy, the Milky Way, is a spiral galaxy so it comes as no surprise that intelligent life exists here. A black hole anchors our galaxy while the graceful stars and planets of our wonderful solar system spin conveniently out of its gravitational tug. Poorer galaxies without black holes, like poor nations, always lack proper sanitation.Mexico is a prime example of a typical galaxy which lacks a black hole at its center
== Are We Made Of Star Crap? ==
When you take a close look at this picture of a spiral galaxy you can easily see the gravitational vortex produced by the unseen black hole at its center. Heavy elements of matter like gold, lead and uranium were all previously created by our universe's galactic vortices. These heavier elements were converted from their lighter counterparts after being consumed by an event horizon, then ejected by sunspots and sent sailing with the solar wind to land on forming planets like the Earth over three billion years ago.
Yes, we are made of "star crap"Carl Sagan attempted to sanitize the term by making reference to "star stuff" on his television show "Cosmos" but nobody cares All of the materials that constitute your being are nothing more than "star garbage" that was flushed through galactic, gravitational vortices, billions of years go and then reconstituted by hydraulic and biological vortices, here on Earth, into the person you are today. Our very existence is based on the products of vortices and without these processes running in perpetual eternity, we would all be doomed to a stagnant universe of darkness. Take a moment to stop and think the next time you turn on a ceiling fan or flush the toilet. Meditate on the reality that you've just participated in the universal, natural wonder of a vortex.
==Footnotes==
== Sources ==
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==See?==
We managed to get through this entire article without mentioning vaginas once! Wait... SHIT!
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