I Am an American Senator and I Have Discovered How to Stop the Homosexual Agenda

I am Senator Duncan D. O'nutts from Alabama and I love America! I love America so much that if it were possible for me to fuck America, I'd do it. I once dug a hole in my backyard and tried but it wasn't the same.
But rest assured one day soon I will succeed.
Regardless I am a man on a mission. This is why I became a Politician after all. I must protect our great nation of Subcanada. I must cleanse it of the vile filth that infects it!
And so, after a day of staring into the sun and drooling as I pondered the great mysteries of life, such as where was Waldo really, I realized that mission that I had and mentioned that was very important.
Yes I am a Senator.
I needed to cleanse America of Homosexuals. This is what the Goverment is for! I must cure them!
With much on my mind as I scoured the mountains of Appalachia, I drove my Amazing Ford F-150 truck (America's truck) to visit my good friend Jim Bob on his pig farm just up towards the Crick.
Now by God my buddy Jim Bob is a damn genius. Easily the smartest man on this here planet, HELL yes! He is so very handsome. Chiseled chin, blonde hair, green eyes. He's like that Chris Evans fella but even sexier. GOD what a man! I always wished he'd hold me and stroke my hair but he never did.
I pulled up to his lot and got out to see him sitting up on his old rockin' chair smoking himself a cigarette with his God Given AT4 Heat Seeking Surface To Air Missile Launcher on his lap. A modest weapon to protect against any of them Queers that might invade his God given territory. He had a right to bear arms and when them Commie Democrats came round to take his rocket launcher from him, he was gonna show them what for!
Now I ask him how we might stop the Gays and Jim Bob - he goes and tells me that if I wanna cleanse America of its Homosexuality, I gots to go and find the SOURCE the ALFA GAY and defeat him in single combat.
Now that sounded just about allright to me, So I went on Wikipedia and looked up THE GAYS and I saw an ad for THE GAYS on THE GOOGLE, which is also gay because it has colors and the gays took over all the colors. There is only one color that is acceptable and that is white. Because black people took the color black and gay people took every other color and now the liberals wanna take the color white! That's stupid and they need to let us be white in peace!
Google told me of Elton John, the King of the Gays. The Rocketman. And well I knew what I had to do.
So I stopped by the airport, and while I was in the bathroom, some American Man got inside next to me and I thought it might be alright if I took a little suck of his American Dick. After all, I had myself a wide stance when I dropped my patriotic turds, and my shoe touched his. So I knocked to apologize and suck his dick in recompense for disturbing this fine specimen of a man.
Anywho, after I finished sucking that amazing dick, I went and flew myself to England and went looking for this Elton John fella.
So I go up to his house and I knock on his door and he comes out in a nice shirt, pants and tie.
So I asks him.
"Are you the Elton John?"
So he asks me.
"Are you a fan?"
So I says to him.
"Nah son I'm here to kick your ass."
So he says to me.
"The fuck is your problem mate."
And then I punched him.
Elton John recoiled and as I went in to give him a good American Whoopin, he grabs me and punches me. So we're struggling now, throwing hands like them kids do and he jumps and he kicks me out his door. He tries to run past me to his Limousine but I grab him by his ankles!
"Piss off, I'm trying to pick up me kids from school!" He says but I tells him.
"HELL NO! YOU'RE NOT CORRUPTING MY AMERICA!"
And then fire shoots from his feet and Rocketman Elton John flies up into the skies and through the cosmos and I can only barely hold on as he jets towards the sun.
By GOD he's gonna try and burn me in it!
So I pull and we crash down onto the surface of the sun and it is hotter than the Devils Arsehole.
So Elton John gets up and he looks at me and he says to me.
"Now you die!"
Elton came at me from the side, throwing punches and kicks. I was on the backfoot, fighting defensively. He moved gracefully, like an expert. I couldn't compete, being a 60 year old American Senator who has eaten nothing but triple cheeseburgers since birth.
The heat of the sun was sweltering and the light from it was blinding. I could only barely handle Elton as he came at me viciously. His fist broke my nose. He jumped and axe stomped me down onto the boiling hot plasma that was our sun.
"You can't stop the gays, Senator!" Elton John said as he picked me up by my neck, "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!"
Then, he threw me down, burying me in the center of the sun before flying off.
"Now... I need to pick up my children and attend a charity function for homeless youth. Ta!"
God... How could I have failed.
Elton John was going to attend a charity function and there was nothing I could do to stop him.
I post now for 2 reasons.
1: To let you know the dangers of Elton John
2: I need a ride home. I'm stuck in the center of the Sun and my phone is nearly out of battery.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Stupid is as the main character does
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep
Category:LONG ASS TITLE