Integral

The Integral was a medieval torture device, likely invented by Isaac Newton or Albert Einstein. Somewhat surprisingly, it is still in use today in many Schools across the globe.
The opposite of the Chainsaw, the Integral takes small pieces that seem to be Nonsense, or just might be dried apples. The Integral follows the concept of the Elizabeth Taylor Series, but then again, who knows?
==Oscar Wilde==
Oscar Wilde, the greatest town crier to ever have lived, has nothing to say on the subject. If he did, he would probably not say it, as he prefers to huff kittens in his spare time. Also, he believes that integrals are for babies (strangely enough, as his agent strongly recommends that he deny the existence of babies.)
==Early Implementation==
When the Integral was first invented, it was applied to victims that had been seized for heresy. Some of this unfortunate number spent the (short) remainder of their lives, screaming, "Noooo...Calculus." Due to the extreme cruelty displayed, the Integral was replaced by other, kinder forms of torture, such as being forced to drink 32 pints of water. Somewhat later, a revolution in torture (as well as the fact that many of the sissies who went soft on felons had died) rendered all previous methods of Integral Flogging or Lynching obsolete.
Currently, the most deadly integral known to man, marmot, and carrier pidgeon is "dcabin/cabin." While many have tried to identify the solution as "ln(abs(cabin))+C", many regurgitate their entrails and vomit profusely before the words escape.
==The Other Perspective==
In the USA, India and 133714nd, the integral has been the subject of a religious cult known as The Holy Order of Calculus Freaks has come to praise the Integral and its counterpart, the derivative. Their holy book is only known as "The Textbook" and is rumoured to contain nothing but equations. The cult members have been accused of being aliens, since no human mind could survive the horror of
<latex>\int_0^1 \sin(\tan(x))\,dx</latex>. It even has sin in the equation! These allegations are of course totally unfounded (NOT!). However, it has been proven that a linking of the world's most cool supercomputers would be able to solve it in 12,676,923,764,234 years, give or take a few billenia. Fortunately, these calculus freaks are few and far between. Indeed, only one Uncyclopedia user is one. 
It is Loopquanta137.
It sucks to the core. The supercomputers aforementioned would have to be constructed with 64 core processors, as 64=(2*L*J)^6, whereas L = love, J = Jesus, and since these are two "touchy feely" words, they cancel. Much in the way that two negatives cancel, the two words of hope and joy must cancel or else this just wouldn't be calculus, now would it?
==Multiple Integrals==
After the raging success of the integral, the world's leading nerds began to discover ways to take the concept further. 
The Double Integral is not a torture device, but serves two purposes. It can either be a set of fancy poles for strip dancers or it can be used to find the volume under surfaces such as your mom as a function of x and y in 3 space. There is a formal definition involving limits and sigmas and cows, but no one cares.
The Triple Integral is a superfluous piece of crap of which Jesus does not approve. Instead of going under your mom, the Triple Integral will cut your mom up into cubes to find the actual volume of him/her.
==Line Integrals==
Caution: Line integrals are known to rapidly draw lines through vector fields, possibly causing bodily harm. Line integrals are for external use only and should not be taken with alcohol.
==Toxicology information of the integrals==
CAS number: x^69-69x+69 ;
Classified in the larrythinides family;
Use extreme caution due to the quite extreme oxidation involved in the process of integrating some transcendent functions.
It is strongly recommended to ask your doctor if integrals are made for you because a black hole will be most likely to be created in your brain if you have never experienced derivatives before integrating.
Also, please use integrals responsibly or you may become a physics teacher and want to integrate your wife from the center of your conductor to the infinity.
he:אינטגרל
pt:Integral
ru:Икс игрек у с чертой