Totally Torah: Genesis

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Too many holy Joes at Temple?
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"Totally Torah – a ten-minute guide to God's Word."
===Genesis===
==Chapters 1–11==
•	Bored God creates world full of animals.
•	Creates zoo-keeper to muck-out Eden.
•	Congratulates Himself on "Good" job.
•	Zoo-keeper bored.
•	Eve created – Earth adopts a child-friendly tax regime.
•	Refusal of three-way leads to snake's tempting Eve to sample forbidden fruit that God forgot to not create.
•	Eve denied medical attention at Eden General Infirmary; fails to enjoy home birth.
•	Cain and Abel born.
•	God plays favourites leading to sibling rivalry.
•	Seth born as replacement-Abel.
•	Human race grows through unexplained incest.
•	God surprised when inbreeds misbehave.
•	Mass-drowning programme begins following production of lifeboat.
•	Noah surprised when dove-nav leads to mountain-crash.
•	Kids move out as Noah takes to drink and naturism.
•	Overconfidence in construction industry leads to destruction of Tower of Babel.
==Chapters 11–25 ==
•	Abram born, emigrates to Canaan then Egypt.
•	Unsettled family leads to return to Canaan.
•	Abram's army conquers city when Sodomite garrison seem strangely un-warlike.
•	Sara's infertility treatment unsuccessful. Surrogacy attempted.
•	Legal wrangle over Ishmael’s guardianship settled with birth of Isaac.
•	Abram and Sara change names to Father Abraham and Sarah for tax purposes.
•	Urban regeneration of Sodom and Gomorrah. Fire and Brimstone initially unpopular.
•	Lot seeks quieter life in suburbs.
•	Lot's wife becomes pillar of community.
•	Abraham investigated for attempted infanticide.
•	Abraham dies following Isaac’s shock engagement to mail-order bride, Rebekah.
==Chapters 25–50 ==
•	Rebekah gives birth to non-identical twins.
•	Esau becomes hunter.
•	Jacob engineers leveraged buyout of family business with mess of pottage.
•	Isaac blesses younger son, Jacob, seduced by offer of fur coat.
•	Jacob flees to Uncle Remus house. Records "Stairway to Heaven" en route.
•	Jacob attempts marriage with Cousin Rachel. Fat, older sister intervenes.
•	Chubby-chasing Jacob sets up world's first Mormon commune and begins enthusiastic breeding with both sisters and maids.
•	Jacob plans reconciliation with his brother. Returns to Canaan.
•	Becomes WWF champion of Israel following defeat of Jabbok in all night, man-on-man wrestling competition.
•	Rape of Dinah punished with genital mutilation of Edomites.
•	Sentence review leads to imposition of capital punishment.
right|thumb|200px|And Joseph stood before the Canaanites saying, "I'll be back."
•	Pretty-boy Joseph sold to Egyptian nonce.
•	Becomes Prophet following mushroom trip; hoards food following attack of "munchies".
•	Joseph's brothers seek food stamps; fail to recognise Joseph due to extensive tattooing and piercings.
•	Joseph frames youngest brother, Benny the Ball.
•	Family rapprochement, Canaanites emigrate to Egypt to avoid pogrom.
•	Joseph dies, promising that the Canaanites will return to their homeland one day.
==See also==
* Totally Torah: Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers.
* UnScripts:Genesis, Episode II: In the Garden of Eden
Category:Theology
Category:Judaism
Category:Mythology
Category:Egypt
Category:Scriptures
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