My Dad, the Garbage Man/Transcript

== Introduction ==
Mr. Read is trimming the garden hedge.
Mr. Read: (hums)
Arthur stands nearby.
Arthur: Do you ever wonder what the most perfect kind of dad would be like? I mean, I like my dad just fine, but what if he was...
Mr. Read and Arthur are sitting in a dragster in front of the house.
Mr. Read: Ready?
He and Arthur put on helmets.
Arthur (narrator): ...a drag racer?!
The dragster races off and stops in front of the school. Arthur gets out and Mr. Read drives off.
Arthur is searching a beach with a metal detector.
Mr. Read: Over here!
Mr. Read comes over.
Arthur (narrator): Or what if he was... Mr. Read transforms into a digging machine. …a Transformer? 
Mr. Read unearths a coin.
Arthur: A quarter? Thanks, Dad.
Mr. Read: (robotic voice:) No problem, son.
He transforms back.
Mr. Frensky runs across a football field towards Francine, who has the ball.
Arthur (narrator): Or you could have a dad like Francine's. He's pretty cool just the way he is. 
Mr. Frensky: That’s right. Keep your eyes on me. Bring your arm forward... She throws. and let it fly. He catches and she tackles him. Oh!
Francine+Mr. Frensky: (laugh)
Francine: Dad, do they let girls play professional football?
Mr. Frensky: If they don’t, we’ll just make ‘em. Ready for your golf lesson?
Francine: Yeah!
He helps her up.
== Title Card: Francine Bangs Gong ==
The third-graders are sitting in class reading their books.
Arthur: (sighs)
Mr. Ratburn: I have some good news.
Class: (gasp)
Mr. Ratburn: As you know, we've been spending the last several weeks studying careers.
Buster: We have?
Mr. Ratburn: So I’m pleased to announce that several of your parents--Muffy's father, Brain's mother and… oh yes… Francine's father--have volunteered to show us around their places of work. Which means in short…
Binky: Field trip!!
Class: (cheer)
***
Francine is standing on the couch doing boxing moves. Catherine sits beside her.
Catherine: A field trip with Dad?? Are you out of your mind?!
Francine: What’s wrong with that?
Catherine: Francine. Don't you realize what this means?? Have you no pride??
A truck horn is heard. The girls run onto the balcony. In the street below Mr. Frensky has just knocked over a garbage can with his garbage truck.
Francine: Way to go, Dad!
Mr. Frensky: Come on down! You're missing all the fun!
Catherine drags Francine inside.
Catherine: Do you really want your friends to know that our father is their… (whispers:) garbage man?!
Francine looks down.
***
Mr. Frensky is throwing a garbage bag in the truck when his daughters come outside. He throws Francine an old can.
Mr. Frensky: Catch!
Catherine: Dad, when are you going to get a real job?
Mr. Frensky: A real job? You mean, where I’d have to carry a briefcase and go to meetings and not get home till seven o’clock and be too tired to play with you?
Catherine: Yeah, and wear a suit and tie.
Mr. Frensky: (tearful:) I can’t do it, Catherine. I can’t ever have a real job, because… I don’t know how to tie a tie! No one ever showed me how!
Mr. Frenksy+Francine: (giggle)
Catherine: Very funny.
She walks off.
***
Mr. Crosswire stands in front of a mirror and straightens his tie. 
Secretary: (hums) A female secretary looks in. They're here, Mr. Crosswire.
***
Mr. Crosswire stands in front of Crosswire Motors as the third-graders get out of the school bus.
Mr. Crosswire: Welcome to Crosswire Motors! He points at a four-piece marching band who starts playing. He claps his hands and they stop. Welcome to Crosswire Motors! I'm honored… The band starts again. He gives them a dark look. …deeply honored by this opportunity to share my life's work with you! The marching band’s violinist plays a mournful tune. It takes lots of hard work, it takes commitment, it means staying open every night till ten, Sundays and holidays included, no matter what the sacrifice.
Muffy wipes her eyes.
***
Mr. Crosswire leads the kids along a hallway.
Mr. Crosswire: Okay, kids, stay close. Don’t touch the merchandise, and if you get too excited, just put your head between your knees and breathe deeply.
Buster tries that while walking.
Buster: Can’t be done.
Mr. Crosswire stops at a door.
Mr. Crosswire: First stop, the sales room! The busy hub of the auto universe. The very heart and soul of the operation!
He opens the door. Several salespeople lounge around cars looking bored. 
Mr. Crosswire quickly closes the door and leads the group on.
Mr. Crosswire: Next is the strategy room. This is where we labor to understand the people we serve. The people on whose behalf we strive. You, the customer. People are having a discussion inside the room. Let’s listen in. 
He pushes a button.
Employee: So what if the engine falls out? Once they’re off the lot, it’s their problem!
Mr. Crosswire tries to cover the loudspeaker. 
Mr. Crosswire: And now the piece de resistance - that's French, you know. As a special treat, I've arranged for you... to test-drive these top-of-the-line vehicles in the parking lot!
Class: (cheer)
Mr. Ratburn: (sharp whistle) I think we'll pass. Back to the bus, everyone. We're running late.
The kids follow him. Muffy waves goodbye to her father.
Class: Aww.
Mr. Crosswire: Well, kids, save those pennies. And remember, Crosswire Motors is here for you!
***
The kids are sitting in the bus.
Mr. Ratburn: Next stop, the Brain’s mom at the ice-cream shop. We'll be visiting Francine's father tomorrow.
Sue Ellen: What does your dad do, anyway?
The bus passes a garbage truck.
Muffy: Ugh! Pee-yoo!
Buster: Pee-yoo!
Muffy: Baa!
Francine: My dad?! He, er, sort of, um... Hey, guess what, everyone, I can spit my gum in the air and catch it!
She tries and it sticks to the ceiling.
Kids: (laugh)
Muffy: You're such a child, Francine!
Sue Ellen: (giggles)
***
Mrs. Powers leads the children into a back-room of the ice-cream shop.
Mrs. Powers: Welcome to my ice-cream invention room.
Sue Ellen: What are all these tubes and things?
Mrs. Powers: Well, they’re what we use to make ice cream. Let’s see. Here's candy... and chocolate. And now, in honor of your teacher... Mr. Ratburn bows. I propose that we combine all your favorite flavors into a brand-new ice cream, hereafter known as Rocky Ratburn.
Mr. Ratburn looks slightly peeved.
***
The kids stand around a big tub in the middle of the room. Buster is dressed like a surgeon.
Buster: Pizza... Francine gets one out of a box and throws it in the tub. Bananas... Arthur gets them. Okay, everyone, stand back! 
He puts on goggles and fills a cone with ice cream.
***
In the school bus everyone is eating an ice-cream cone. Buster gives Rocky Ratburn to Mr. Ratburn.
Mr. Ratburn: Er, very...unusual. Thank you, Buster, you may have the rest. Don’t forget, everyone, tomorrow we take the bus to where Francine's father works. Eight a.m. sharp.
Another garbage truck passes the bus. A piece of dirty paper hits the window beside Francine.
In Francine’s imagination, the third-graders are at the dump.
Mr. Frensky: You thought inventing ice cream was fun? Well, get a load of this! Free disgusting garbage!
Kids: (gasp)
Mr. Frensky: And now, let's hike through a pit of trash. Take off your shoes, kids, so you can squish the rotten cheese between your toes. And afterwards, we can hike through the diaper section.
The kids look disgusted. Muffy faints. The fantasy ends.
***
Francine stands in the Frenskys’ kitchen besides her mom.
Francine: Mom, do you think you could get Dad to cancel the field trip?
Mrs. Frensky: Why would I want to do that?
She hands Francine a towel and a wet plate.
Francine: You know. So people don't find out what he does!
Mrs. Frensky: Sounds like you’ve been talking to Catherine.
Francine: Well, why does he have to have such a stupid job? Why can’t he do something exciting like everyone else.
Mrs. Frensky: Francine, don’t you think this is something you should discuss with your father?
Francine: I knew you'd say that.
***
Mr. Frensky is in the living room with a pitching machine.
Francine: Dad?
Mr. Frensky: Hey, just in time! Look what I found at the dump!
He puts a ball in the machine. It shoots the ball against the wall.
Mrs. Frensky: Oliver!
Mr. Frensky: Just think! You can practice your swing and annoy your mother at the same time. Did you want something?
Francine: Oh, nothing. Thanks, dad.
***
Catherine stands in front of the bathroom mirror and is about to put on lipstick.
Catherine: (gasps)
Francine: I couldn’t do it. I couldn't tell him!
Catherine: Well, you’d better think of something. I’m warning you, Francine, you'll never live this down! 
She puts on lipstick.
Francine: I’ve got it!
She deliberately bumps into Catherine and runs out.
***
The third-graders are sitting in the bus to the city dump.
Buster: So, what’s the big secret? Where are we going?
The bus stops in front of the city dump.
Buster: Hey, we’re at the dump! Is your dad a garbage man?
Everybody looks at Francine.
Francine: Can you keep a secret?
Arthur: What is it?!
Buster: I can keep a secret.
Francine: My dad works for a very secret organization. It’s so secret he can’t even say it to me.
Buster: The FBI?!
Francine: Shhh. He just pretends to be a garbage man. It's his cover. So, whatever you do, don't blow it or... Crrch!
She draws her finger across her throat.
***
As the kids get out of the bus, Mr. Frensky hands everyone a hard hat.
Mr. Frensky: Hello! I'm Francine's dad. Nice to meet you.
Muffy: This place is disgusting! If I ruin these shoes, ugh, I'm suing!
Mr. Frensky: What a bunch of long faces! No, don't tell me, I know what you’re thinking - you're honored and amazed to meet a real live garbage man!
He takes a bow.
Sue Ellen: It smells here.
Mr. Frensky: You’re right. Fantastic, isn't it? Earth and compost and fuel and smoke! (inhales) Ah… But that's not even the best thing about working in a dump. The absolute number one best thing of all is...
***
Mr. Frensky drives a bulldozer with Arthur and Buster sitting beside him.
Mr. Frensky: …you get to drive a bulldozer! He moves some trash. Any questions?
Buster: Is it true you’re with the FBI?
Arthur: Buster!
Mr. Frensky: Not that I know of. I am, however, a proud member of F.O.S.E.!
Buster: Federal Office of Spy...Experts?
Mr. Frensky: Fraternal Order of Sanitation Engineers.
***
Mr. Frensky and Mr. Ratburn’s class stand around a crusher.
Mr. Frensky: The second great thing about working at a dump is getting to crush stuff into little pieces! Ready...set...go!
The kids throw trash bags inside the machine.
***
Mr. Frensky leads the kids to a wooden gate.
Mr. Frensky: But the really wonderful thing about the dump is all that great stuff you can do with garbage! Just imagine! One day, we may even build beautiful cities and roads from compacted trash.
Muffy: Yuck!
Mr. Frensky: But in the meantime...
Mr. Frensky opens the gate. Behind it is a playground with play equipment made of old things.
Kids: Wow!
Mr. Frensky: All this is made from stuff I found at the dump. Just goes to show you what you can do with a little imagination and a lot of trash. Well, what are you waiting for?
The kids play in the playground.
Kids: (shout and play)
Francine takes her father’s hand.
Mr. Frensky: So, the secret is out. Think Catherine will ever forgive me?
Francine: I think we shouldn’t tell her.
Mr. Frensky: Maybe I should do like she says and get one of those jobs that comes with a tie and a briefcase.
Francine hugs him.
Mr. Frensky tosses Sue Ellen onto a trampoline and into a box of filling material.
Sue Ellen: (laughs) She runs back as Mr. Frensky picks up Arthur. Your dad’s the best!
Buster: No kidding. Is he really with the FBI?
Francine: Well, no, he’s really a… garbage man.
Mr. Frensky throws her.
Buster: Cool!
Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 transcripts
Category:A to Z
Category:1996