What the Government Doesn't Want You to Know: The Cure of Yellow Fever

This is the story of how Yellow Fever was cured. The REAL story. The story that the US Government doesn't want you to know. So fuck the government.
The Free African Society, founded by Richard Allen and Absalom Jones in 1787, treated the sick, and buried the dead when there was no cure for yellow fever. They felt that Kasinova tha Don was really Tupac in disguise and that he killed Biggie and Eazy after they killed him in Call of Duty. Tupac is reported as shouting, "I'MMA COME BACK AND KILL YOU!" before committing suicide. Of course, they thought nothing of it, especially after the HIV scare of 1337 when Jesus punched a homeless man (who later turned out to be Robin Williams), and threw him off the Grand Canyon. The Free African Society decided to branch off into two sects: Eastern Orthodox and N.W.A. The Eastern Orthodox wanted Philadelphia to be the capital of the USA (then called USS named after Senpai), and N.W.A. wanted Compton to have control over the white cops. 9/11 happened, and it was discovered that Bill O'Reilly commanded Muhammad Ali to fly the planes into the towers. Ulysses S. Grant became the 9001th President of the USA, and Big L became an atheist after he witnessed the Donner Party eat all the homies from Odd Future. An incriminating audio file was found by N.W.A. in 20-aught-9 which depicted Tupac dissing the Wu Tang Clan after they defeated his Scorpion in Mortal Kombat and stole his '64 Impala, which is incriminating enough. N.W.A. passed it off as a glitch, however, but the Eastern Orthodox was divided between whether the tape was real or not. They split into two groups: Catholic and Death Row. Death Row ended up assassinating Big L and Big Pun, but that's a story for another time. The Catholics went on to form their own religion, Scientology, while believing that Tupac was alive. From 1793-2069, Yellow Fever raged, and there was no cure for it. Hank Azaria developed one, but he was silenced by the FBI, a Scientologist denomination. Dr. Dre released 2001 to speak out against the evil Shinto goddess Amaterasu to end the Fever, but George Carlin, a heartless atheist, stabbed him halfway through the album, leaving fellow rapper, Charles Darwin, to finish the album. There was an obvious difference between Dre's style and Darwin's style. Dr. Dre made songs like "The Next Episode", "The Watcher", and "Still D.R.E.", while Darwin made songs like "Natural Selection", "Evolution of Man", and "Destroy the Church". Death Row felt Darwin's struggles, and sent Michael Jackson over to help Darwin make a wish to go to Disneyland before the CIA killed him. He never went to Disneyland. Yellow Fever reached its highest point in October 2034, the year of J-Pop. Former kawaii metal stars Su-Metal, Moametal, and Yuimetal spoke out against Scientology. They were soon supported by N.W.A. They ran a charity to help make starving kids in Africa worship the great god Eazy-E. Their most famous prayer was:
Hail Eazy
Full of AIDS
Biggie is with thee
Blessed art thou among rappers
And blessed is thy fruit, your son, an amazing rapper
Eazy-E
Father of Rap
Pray for us in the underground
Now, and in the hour of our incarceration
Cruisin' down the street in my '64
By 2035, the charity failed, and Kim Jong-un executed the Yuimetal for being a complete idiot and spending all the money on banana slicers.Then came what is commonly referred to as the Era of Lions. This era started when Snoop Dogg left Death Row to convert to Rastafarianism and murdered all of the starving kids in Africa. He freed all the lions ever to hunt down and kill Suge Knight. Snoop Dogg then flew to Japan to watch some animes, but he soon found out that his favorite voice actor, Bernhard Goetz, was killed by Emperor Showa after a game of poker that turned bloody. He stole a Japanese plane and flew into the Taj Mahal while screaming "ALLAHU-AKBAR!" There were no survivors.The next era is known as the Era of Anime, where Su-Metal underwent plastic surgery to become an anime and nuked the entire country of Lebanon. Moametal died in the explosion. The Free African Society now united as one, resurrected Suge Knight to track down Tupac, as they all agreed that Tupac was alive. Ed Sheeran went insane and killed Suge Knight's ghost and jumped into traffic while screaming about his '64 Impala. Former President Obama tried to comment on the issue, but current President Alexander Hamilton and VP Cory Baxter killed Obama at the age of 209. Su-Metal made President Hamilton an anime and killed Vladimir Putin. She then turned the entire Eastern Hemisphere into an anime. As the Era of Anime ended in 2050, the Free African Society was divided again: Pentecostal and the Cult of Shady. World War III happened between the Western Hemisphere and the Anime Hemisphere. It lasted from Monday October 25 2053 to Tuesday October 26 2053. The Original Balla, Oedipus, killed all the soliders in the war while blasting "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen. He subsequently created the quantum computer and the Mariana's Web. The country of Cuba resurrected Che Guevara to kill Oedipus, but Shady, led by Eminem, stopped them. They found a note, which contained a ton of profanity, so here is a translated version.
Dear Slim,
I am in my home, not on the Wessyde. I have done everything you thought I have done.
Sincerely, T_P_C SH_K_R
Eminem obviously had no idea who signed it, so he called in the greatest mathematician of all time, Rush Limbaugh, to decode it. Rush decoded it as Kanye West, so Eminem killed Kanye. He was later met by dirty bum Stephen Hawking, who decoded it as Tupac Shakur. Eminem and the rest of the Cult of Shady searched for years, until, in 2069, they found Tupac. Tupac is reported as saying "I AM GOD IN DIS HOOD!" before offing himself. Eminem used his body as a cure for Yellow Fever, and the Western Hemisphere lived happily ever after. But not the Anime Hemisphere, where Yellow Fever still rages to this day, under the reign of Su-Metal, Alexander Hamilton, and EVIL PATRIXXX. R'amen!
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Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.