Tag (game)

Tag (also known as tip, tick, tig, tiggy, dobby, it chasey and many other names) is a playground game played worldwide that involves one or more players chasing other players in an attempt to tag or touch them, usually with their fingers. Perverts.
It is a mind numbing concept that will wake you up in the middle of the second paragraph with a ear bleeding bang. No, that's not actually what's going to happen but it's pretty close. This page is about tag but it isn't a boring, descriptive one. It's more or less (whichever you prefer) a comedian trapped in words, so prepare to be laughing uncontrollably for the 20 minutes it takes for you to read this page.
==Basic rules==
Ah, tag. The formerly known children's game of your past. Yes you. The one staring at your computer right now thinking about how you don't have a life because you're a single, middle-aged, ugly accountant. Well, too bad for you. Anyway, back to what I was saying before you interrupted me. Tag is a game of running around, having fun and violently slapping other 8 year old children on the back, then angrily yelling in their face YOU'RE IT!! then running away silently laughing, as if you were actually having fun instead of trying to fit in because you already know no one likes you. Awwwwww, didn't you just love the good old days?! 
Unfortunately, you still have a million slap marks on your back from 4th grade but then again you were probably a hard slapper yourself with that remarkable arm strength your parents had surgically removed that you've probably been trying to get back by punching problems into your calculator while sitting in a tiny bedroom meant for an eleven year old because you still live with your mom and all. Anyway, time to stop completely changing the subject to talking about your miserable life giving your mom a sponge bath every Sunday. No, we must get back to the matter at hand, which is about brutally slapping 8 year olds! So now we get into the statistics of tag. It's fairly simple so you shouldn't have any trouble figuring out what I'm saying.
So the main game rules are simple. The game can be played between two to whatever number you can think of, but if you play with two people you either don't have friends or you're just stupid because if you play with two people you can't really chase each other so you just stand there punching the other person and saying "You're it" non-stop. Then you go inside for gym and when you take your shirt off to change into your gym clothes (Specifically boys, so if this happened to a girl leave out the shirt part)and everybody sees the bruises and asks what happened, you lie and say you got into a fist fight just to get 15 minutes of fame but then the next day they all hate you again. Simple enough, right? If you said yes then you're stupid because it was a rhetorical question, if you said no the same thing applies. If you didn't say anything you're smart but you still have no friends. Anyway, now time for a new heading! 
==Objectives==
The main objective, as many of you already know, is to try not to be it no matter what. So the answer to your life long question is yes you can use your best friend as a meat shield! As long as your doomed friend is not named any of the following: 
Ross (Theme jingle active Green and Ross) 
Joseph (I know this guy) 
Adriel (Mermaid)
Adrianna (I know a distorted version of this)
Rhelei (It's like the other one to)
Serenity (God, now I'm picturing the fountain of youth)
Sevannah (Oh, that's one of my friends)
Lorelei (How do people come up with these?) 
Travis (Now that would be better than Thomas the Train)
Destin (Guys, I think you forgot the y)
Dustin (How is this name dreamy?) 
Destiny (What, no Dustiny?) 
Piper (You may have dropped the pied but I still recognized you) 
Vaughn (That's my dad's friend. Weird?)
Rose (That's my middle name) 
Cadei (LOL Pokemon)
Cademyn (CAEDMON, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU??)
Gabrial (Little bit angelic, don't you think?)
Stephen (As in idiot harper?)
Dakoda (Sorry, Sioux people)
Lakoda (Oh man, extra-sorry, Sioux people) 
So some people I can't use as a meat shield, but at least I know a guy who is the living reincarnation of irony! As the caption voice said, don't get your hopes up. Now onto the other part of objectives. If you are it, (which you always are because your extremely slow and can't support your own body weight which isn't even 120 pounds) your objectives are completely different. Shut up for once unnamed caption voice! So after mindless yelling, if you are it instead of running away from the idiot who got caught you are the idiot who got caught, so you have to try and run around slapping other kids. Then at the end of recess you're totally exhausted to the point where you faint but you're still it because you didn't catch anybody.
==Variants==
The only known version of tag in elementary schools that is new is a game called man-hunt. Yes, the name is probably extremely intimidating to you but don't worry it's not. It's basically just another version of tag played by 11 to 14 year olds except it involves a lot more running, screaming and slapping, so yeah I guess you could say it's a bit brutal. Its probably even more brutal because its played in a large group, multiple people are it and know one knows who is it or when the game actually starts. Yes caption voice. Yes it does.
==History==
We know it's kind of weird to talk about history last but just read. By the way, thanks for letting me start off unnamed writer. So this is like a one sentence thing because I'm too lazy to look it up on Google! So, I have a theory No, I have a theory. You didn't help with the theory. No! Just me! Anyway as far as I'm concerned, I have a really stupid yet funny answer you won't understand because you have no prior knowledge of the outside world. 
So here's the theory. Two teams were having a practice baseball match when two players accidentally bumped into each other and one slapped the other on the back and said "You're it".Later a bunch of people figured out the player was saying eww spit and because he was drooling it came out wrong. Surprisingly, the person the other slapped was new and thought this was part of the game so he ran up to another player slapped him then ran away. Moments later, the entire two teams erupted into a frenzy of slapping and running. The coach didn't care because he was new as well. Then the players told their other friends about the new game then the friends told parents and parents told grandparents and so on. Since then, the infectious game of tag has spread all across the globe. It just makes me smile that such a small game can erupt all over the world like a horrible disease.
 http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/a/ac/Tag-baseball.jpg
 how it all started
==Conclusion==
So thanks for reading! By the way, Don't read any of this entire page. What's that? You did?! Oh well, then you suck. Our 5th grade teacher pulled that one on us ha ha. Okay, now you're creeping me out.
==Notes==
Category:Games
Category:Things that are too cool for school, but are, paradoxically, a part of a school