Bigfatbootybitches.com

When I was around 18-19, I choked my chicken at least 5 times a day. It's not like I wasn't always a horny bastard like this, rather it's just that I had to suppress that side of me because I lived in a very strict household. My parents always checked me and my little brother's search histories after we went on the internet, and if they found anything even remotely suggestive my dad would give us 40 lashes with a horse-whip. I don't even know why tf he even had one, he just did. Anyways, the point is that after I moved out I was able to beat my schmeat any time I wanted to, and boy did I abuse the hell out of that privilege. However, during that time of my life, something so utterly shocking and horrifying happened to me, that not only did I never watch porn again, I very seldom even touched by cock after it happened. What was this event? Spoiler alert, it's not very good.
To my memory, the year was either 2014 or 2015. I had just come home from work and I instantly hopped on my laptop to jake it. I typed in the URL to XVideos, I pulled my tissues and lotion from my drawer, and started jorking it. I did this for a good 7 minutes, but before I could finish I got a call from a random number I didn't recognize. I picked up and tried to ask who it was, but all I could hear was the sound of a guy breathing into the phone. Before I could ask again, the guy said "Do you like dirty whores with huge cheeks?" Even just thinking about this made me hard again, and I said yes. He then gave me the URL to this website that I had never heard of before. Bigfatbootybitches.com.
Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE bitches that have big fat cheeks. However, I was skeptical because if you are not familiar with porn sites, some of them are ridden with viruses. I asked him if the website was safe, and he just started laughing at me and hung up. Rude.
Now I was so curious that I had to go see the site for myself. I typed in the URL, and the site came up. Now, off the bat, there were a few strange things about this site. First of all, there were only 4 videos on the entire site, and they all had the same thumbnail of the logo of the website over a black background. Second, each videos was simply titled BFBB 1-4. Finally, the website had only three tabs at the top. Videos, Actors, and About. I clicked on the Actors tab, and for some reason a new window popped up on my browser. When I clicked on it, a super loud monochrome screamer face popped up, going into full screen and playing the audio of Patrick Star going "Leedle leedle leedle lee!" I was so scared I pissed everywhere, remember my pants were off because I was trying to bust a nut. After I cleaned up, I was a little annoyed and went back to the window and clicked on the Actors tab again. This time, it showed up!
There were only four actors in the credited, all of them having Slavic sounding names. Out of the four names, I only to this day remember one. Abraham Bachinsky. When I looked on the About tab, the description of the website is credited as being written by him, leading me to believe this guy was the creator of the site. They also included pictures of the actors, however all but Abraham's were strangley blacked out, with text saying ""JAO JAKO MRTAV" on the black bar. After a while of researching, I found out that phrase means "very very dead" in Croatian. Also, Abraham's face was so fucking ugly that I almost vomited at the sight of him.
By this point, I decided it was time to nut by watching these videos, but then I looked at the lengths of each video. Each video was only 1:00-1:30 long. 'Huh.' I thought to myself. It was strange that this website only has about 5 minutes worth of total content, but it's cool. I can still get off to it. 
I clicked on BFBB 1. This video started with a very hot brunette in a red dress. I got excited, that is until that EXACT SAME SCREAMER FROM THE POP-UP WINDOW APPEARED. I once again lost my shit, however this time I was fast enough and pissed in the toilet instead of on the already soaked floor. I continued the video and she took off her clothes, revealing a Creed tattoo. This thoroughly spooked me. Creed was one of the scariest things in the entire world, and now it was right in front of me. This barrage of scary things was too much for my autism brain, and I started crying. This random guy whose face was off-screen showed up and turned into a monster and ATE THE WOMAN ALIVE. Blood spurted everywhere and I was officially scared shitless, quite literally since my bowels evacuated during this sequence of events onto my $300 gaming chair. The guy picked up the camera, revealing that is was Abraham. He grinned into the camera with an eyeball dangling from his lips, as well as a piece of the small intestine. He slurped bout of them down his throat, laughing. He then said "Listen to me, Jacob. Did you just see how I throated that lady? YOU'RE NEXT. I WILL FIND YOU IN EXACTLY 5 YEARS TO THE DAY."
Two things about what had just happened made me shit my pants once again. 1. How did he know my name? 2. I'm next? What the fuck do you mean? I then saw the copyright date of the video. March 14th, 2005. I frantically checked the date on my laptop, praying it wasn't true. It was. March 14th, 2015. GASP! I immediately shut my laptop closed and ran to lock the door to my room. A few seconds after I did this, I could hear screaming from all around me, coming from other rooms of the apartment complex I lived in. Suddenly, I could hear something over an intercom. "Attention everyone in this building. We are going into lockdown, please remain calm and lock yourself into a room until we open back up. I could still hear the screaming and crying and cracking. I could hear a man shouting "WHERE IS HE?! WHERE IS JACOB?!?!" I was crying to myself, until it went silent. I heard a bang on my door. 
I stopped crying to make sure my pussy-ass wasn't heard. 
"JACCOB!!!" I heard him shout. "I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE! JACOB!!!" I then heard the door break open and hit the floor. He stomped over the the door of my room and banged on it good. "OPEN UP DICKHEAD! I'M NOT GONNA KILL YOU, I'M JUST GONNA SWALLOW YOU WHOLE LIKE THAT BITCH!" I tried not to make any sound, but I accidentally farted so he heard me and busted down the door. I screamed at his ugly face in person, and projectile vomited at him, giving me the opportunity to flee. He screamed in disgust, giving chase down the hallway. I tried to open the elevator, but it was jammed! SHIT! I turned as he was slowly approaching me, butt-booty naked. "COME OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE GOONER!" Before he could eat me he was gunned down by police. He very dramatically stumbled back and fell out the window, screaming "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!" Until I heard him hit the ground. 
And that is the story of why I will never beat my meat again.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Potty Humor
Category:Pointless Violence
Category:YOU'RE NEXT
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck