Judo

Judo is a martial art that originally originated in Japan or China (ORLY). 
One of the most perfect athletes of all times was Leonardo "the devil" Gusukuma. Winner of a purple medal for Brazil and achieving several ippons during the competition. Leonardo was a terrific fighter that ALWAYS achieved GOLD medals. His essay: " No retreat, no surrender" (retroceder nunca render-se jamais)...
After a tragic car accident he had to retire and nowadays is a successful business man. 
But he will always be remembered for his awesome presentations in Winnipeg 99 at the age of only 20 years old. A champ that will be remembered forever. Learn this : " Discpline, discpline, discipline".
Judo employs very hard throws to the ground, breaking collar bones and rendering those violently slammed either unconscious or, better still, puts them in a totally vegetative state! Submissions include breaking shoulders and knees, but are not limited to special trachea removal, ass and eye gouging techniques. People think that judo is only unarmed combat - but you are never unarmed when you can hit someone with a planet.
The word "judo" literally translates to "Hand over Fist" or "Softly Touching". 
In some cultures, Judo is actually an accepted manner in greeting. 
==History== 
Judo began as a reformulation of the samurai empty bowel combat art of jujutsu, translated as "The Gentle Fart" or "Gingerly Caressing". After much farting around, jujutsu eventually became jiu-jitsu which eventually became Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (so called, because it has a brazillion different ways to mouth off.)
The Japanese then stole all of the ideas and arse-kicking tactics from Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (usually just called BJJ because otherwise they have a big fight over how to spell Brazil Brasil Basil Oregano SHUT THE FUCK UP! Brazil Brasil before the fight even starts) and called it judo, but it's not as good as BJJ and if you say it is, a 94-year-old man will come over and give you a right earful. (Of ear wax from Kevin Rudd's left ear perhaps?)
A tiny little 70lb man named Ai Isaho was a college student who was constantly bullied, molested and abused by classmates, and even stick insects. After several years of constant jujutsu training, Isaho was still getting gang-banged by fellow classmates, and even stick insects. Nevertheless, Ai Isaho refined and invented his own style, calling it Judo. Throughout his life, he would help make the martial art a national sport, an Olympic event, build a prestigious academy and send ambassadors of the art all around the world (except for Kazakhstan, where they prefer to wrestle sans-kimono.) However, until his death, he was still constantly getting gang-banged by his former college classmates, and even stick insects. Worse still, he was married to Yoko Ono the whole time.
The first UFC judo tournament, held in Tokyo in 1886, was a fight to the death between Chuck Norris, who learned all knew and more from the legendary "Judo" Gene LeBell and Vladimir Putin, who acquired the spirit of judo from a continuous supply of vodka. Both men died: Judo proved triumphant!
==Techniques==
;Takedowns:
Commonly utilized techniques include fish slapping. Two combatants will typically slap each other in the face with a fish until one of them falls on his arse, almost in a race to see which bitch is going to hit the mat first.
;Shark Attack Defense:
Almost every martial art has a solution for shark attacks. For example, Karate enthusiasts prefer straight sucker-punching sharks on the nose. However, this method has its flaws. Judo's approach to defeating a shark is superior. Below describes the step by step self defense technique of how to handle yourself when a shark fucks with you.
* 1. You're out doing your scuba thing in the ocean; things get a little uncomfortable when a 20 foot Great White starts circling you.
* 2. Wait and time when shark opens its mouth and tries to eat you. As the shark opens its mouth, quickly dart in, as deep as possible, "clearing" the teeth before the animal completes biting down. This is the most important part of this technique and requires a lot of practice. On second thoughts, maybe the practice is not such a good idea.
* 3. It will be dark and tight in there, but with all your fury, begin to kick and punch like a motherfucker.
* 4. It may take a few hours, but the frustrated shark will eventually "eject" you. You may have to repeat the procedure with the same shark—or other members of its tag team—several more times. 
;Random Technique - Trachea Removal:
* 1. Move "claw hand" close to opponent's neck
* 2. Grab opponent's windpipe, or trachea
* 3. Using good grip strength, cleanly pull opponent's trachea outside of neck
* 4. Take the trachea and present it to referee for points. (If not a sporting event, just toss it. Opponent may feel discomfort.)
(Note: this technique does not work against Brazilians, who are known to be capable of continuing to talk for up to 11.43218976753985 hours without a trachea.)
;The Motherlode - How to Completely Annihilate an Opponent:
Recently released by the prestigious Coco-Dan in Japan (hey... that rhymes!), Ai Isaho's complete secrets were finally unearthed: the masterwork, "How to Fuck Someone up, Big-time". Below are a few excerpts:
* 1. A couple of hours before the fight, take a powerful laxative.
* 2. Making sure opponent is alone, sneak into opponent's room while they are sleeping. Make sure to take note that opponent is in a deep sleep.
* 3. Silently climb on opponent's bed and jump on his arse!
* 4. Start punching him! Keep punching him! Kick him in the balls! PULL HIS BALLS! (in a non-sexual way)
* 5. Wrap it up by dropping your trousers and shitting all over the bastard. Make him wish he was dead!
* 6. Friend, you just won the fight! 
Category:Martial arts
Category:Vital articles
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