It's the Damn Apocalypse!

I am fucking sick and tired of hearing the word "corona" "virus" "covid-19" "corvirus19" "CORVID-69" all of that shit. I just want to buy ramen, I'm sick and tired of having nothing to use after I use the bathroom. And don't even get me started on the toilet paper salad. I can't even buy ranch dressing! Social distancing? Some of us have friends. Some of us have toes to lick. I don't judge.
M'pardner *tips assless chaps* and I, ravaged and starving after only having one pineapple pizza to share (it's good, fight me) made the long and arduous journey to the only store still open in this ghost town of a globe. Or pancake, if you think the earth is flat. We've got bigger problems like job loss to think about instead of debating the fact the earth is a globe. Anyway, Cisco and I walked down the sidewalk that suddenly became crumbled in the week this pandemic and panic began.
There were some crows pecking at a dead body's sight balls. I thought only vultures ate corpses? Who knows. I'll research it since I have nothing but time now. I shuddered at the thought I, a healthy 24 year old, could suddenly drop dead from the corona beer virus like that goober being pecked by crows that were prolly once humans that then became infected with corvid-69. Nice. There, I said it for you.
We made it into the store, which was plumb out of all foods except for enough avocados to kill our neighbor, Jerry. This could only mean one thing. "Come on!" I shrieked urgently, grabbing Cisco's arm.
"SOCIAL DISTANCING!!!!" yelled a portly security guard, shoving the rest of her chips in her mouth before chasing us. Her arms and legs fell off and she was nothing but a torso wriggling towards us, choking up chippy spit.
"EAT PANT!" I yelled back, already halfway to the toy aisle. My hands dropped to my side as I let out a giant wail of agony, not unlike I heard in the canned goods aisle where someone couldn't get their prized can of boiled squid butts.
"What's wrong?!" Cisco asked. I motioned to the empty shelf, looking at him like he grew 420 heads.
"These fucking MORONS panic bought the Guy Fieri action figures! Now whose button can I press to have them yell FLAVORTOWN?!" I started crying, drinking my tears because water was scarce. Or so it appeared because everyone panic bought water as if the lines were cut.
We made it out of the store with avocados because there was nothing else to buy. Now I know you're reading this wondering where the horror is. This is nosleep after all. That's the kicker, ok. So before we even got back to the apartment complex, someone coughed at us. They coughed so bad their lung fell out and smacked me in the face. And then I coughed and died. So I wrote this completely as a ghost. HAHA that's such a cop-out. I'm still alive, but I do have infected lung juice on my face :(
Anyway, for more Corvorus-666 updates, please follow r/thanoschungus but this isn't an ad. I want everyone to stay safe. The world is ending. Scream. Cry. Fear monger. Oh no whatever will we do. Look at the fire and brimstone. Look at all the corpses. AAAA. So scary.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Memes
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep