There is a dragon in my pancreas

There is a dragon in my pancreas. Seriously. I am not kidding. If you open up my pancreas and look inside you will see a dragon.
We aren't talking about Barney the Dinosaur but a giant dragon spitting out magma and acidic smoke.
How do I know there's a dragon in my pancreas? Because Jesus told me. I was reading the Bible and I could clearly read in the subtext of this book: "hey you, dude ... yeah you ... not just any puny human ... just you ... there's a dragon up your ass and in your pancreas. A big bad-ass dragon with teeth that can chomp out of piece of the moon." Now look, I have so much respect for Jesus. He decided to get nailed to a cross so I wouldn't have to take a hot bath for eternity. How could I not believe Jesus, even when he claims something that is impossible? If he says I have a dragon in my abdominal cavity, then my body must be the den of a fiery-eyed dragon.
How did the dragon get into my pancreas? I don't know. Jesus tried to explain it but the text of the Bible is just so dark and disturbing and scary I couldn't read the whole thing. I just know it's there. Not accepting that there's a dragon up my ass would be so dishonest it would be a sin.
Have I given it a name? Of course I did. Any asshole who had a mythical animal inside their body would give it a name! Think about it: Adam named all sorts of animals and species. And Noah saved all those animals (except unicorns). The moment Jesus told me about my strange situation I was all "I'm going to give this dragon a name." And then I thought a bit because no name spontaneously came into my head. But not long after I realised "Tête Cassée" was a lovely name. I don't know what it means because I don't speak Chinese but it sounds so nice. She really likes the name too.
Oh! You assumed it was a dude dragon? What a patriarchal wife-beating racist you are. It's a dragoness. Not some power hungry village-terrorising dragon. Jesus fucking Christ ... why would a male dragon crawl up my ass? I don't even like dudes. Only a sweet-natured female dragon would live in my pancreas. I think that's pretty obvious if you're smart and read religious books to gain knowledge.
What do my friends think about it? I don't have any friends. Not since I told them about the dragon in my bum. I think we were growing apart, and once they heard the news they got so jealous it was the final straw. My life is amazing and awesome. I mean ... come on ... I have a dragon in my anal cavity! I suppose their lives must seem disappointing in my shadow. And so it's okay. I'm not lonely. How could I be lonely with a giant reptile all curled up in my colon?
You need more proof? Well of course you do. You're a sceptic made out of concrete and logic circuits. Of course you want proof. You wouldn't believe me unless you stuck some instrument into my intestines. Well first of all, there's the fact that I weigh a lot more than I did before the dragon went up my ass. I weighed 170 pounds before Christmas and now I'm around 175. What else could explain that except for my beloved dragon? And then there is all my anal bleeding. At least once a month I bleed out my bum and I assume it's just the dragon having her woman problems. Now just because I roam around parks at night time and have unprotected sex with other men, random men, who can be a little rough sometimes, doesn't explain my anal bleeding. Why does my asshole bleed every 28 days? Can you explain that? No of course you can't because deep down inside you know there's a dragon in my ass.
You want even more proof? Well first of all, a lot of people believe me. My friend Karl, who has air tight evidence that Bill Clinton was assassinated and not murdered, has no doubt about my dragon. His mother is a vudoo expert and she said that in the past dragons used to climb into people's asses every day. So if a vudoo expert believes in it why wouldn't you? And then there is the photo evidence. If you look at a picture of me from one year ago and one now, you can clearly see that my aura is stronger in the newer photo. What's that? You don't even know how to read auras? What? You can't even see auras? What planet did you come from? If you can't read auras why the hell are we even having this conversation?
It's painful having a mystic being inside your body. I would do anything to get inside its mind. Why can't we telepathically communicate? It hurts me every day that the dragon refuses to answer my questions. Like what's her favourite song and what colour are her eyes when she's angry or why did you choose my pancreas and not a lung? (I mean ... come on ... I only need one.)
Do you also want a dragon in your pancreas? Of course you do. Even though you say you don't, you want to know what it's like. Trust me, next time you're in an elevator, you'll be wishing it was you and a dragon riding up a few floors together and not you and strangers you're forced to smile to.
What ... you don't read Chomsky? How do you learn anything then? From daily experience? Everyone knows daily experience is unreliable and that only Noam Chomsky can prove Jewish Zionists are responsible for global warming.
Is my dragon really an alien? Of course not, if it was an alien it would rip out of my stomach and most likely kill me in the process. I don't want to die any time soon, so if it was an alien I would have gotten rid of it by now. I have my own scalpels, anaesthetic and a needle and thread so I could to the surgery myself. I'm going to do it next week anyways. I just got to see this dragon, I can't wait any longer.
Am I in love with the dragon? Of course not. Don't be a dick. Who could be in love with something they've never seen. I mean, yeah, of course I'm in love with the dragon as a person. I mean, she is kind and caring and gentle and affectionate. That I know for sure. But I can't know if she's my type or not until I cut open my pancreas and see for myself.
Category:Articles written in the first person
Category:Health