Things Women Didn't Need To Know About Men

There are so many things that members of the male species get up to when no one is around. This article is going to spotlight some of the unwritten laws, and tell women what men get up to during the lonely periods of their lives. We do however warn you that everything you are about to read is 100% factual, only the names have been changed to protect the idiots. 
Continue on to discover the bizarre and sexually depraved world of the male species. You will be amazed, terrorized and even a bit grossed out by what we have in store for your learning pleasure. You will also learn about Johnny, and why he switched from ultra thins to ultra absorbent. Was it a myth, or could he piss the entire length of the Golden Gate Bridge? To the answer to at least one of these things, quit reading this part and go to the next part.
===It's Every Man's Duty To Clean Toilets===
Now, women, you may be thinking "Yeah, right. Like a man would ever clean a toilet". But we are not talking about scrubbing and polishing a toilet. No, we are speaking of the unwritten duty that every man performs when finding a toilet in a public restroom or in their home, and sees that the inner rim is splattered with a shot of fecal matter.
===The Way It Works===
*We will use a character by the name of Johnny to demonstrate how this unwritten law occurs.
Johnny stumbled into the public bathroom today. Because the toilets are shared with many other civilians, the first thing he noticed was it had shit splattered all over the inner rim of the bowl! As men do when we see this, we follow the unwritten law to do our part for the environment by aiming our urine stream directly at the stuck feces to clean it off, or at least loosen it up enough for the next guy piss it off.
As Johnny was doing his part for the community, he had a revelation; How does that shit get there in the first place? He knows that when he takes a dump, his turd plops down directly into the water, and sometimes it causes a ripple to splash water back up into his anus that always feels very cold. This is 10x more disgusting when it happens in a public crapper. It is a mystery that has perplexed man since toilets were invented as to how that splash always manages to hit them in the chocolate star fish with a direct bulls-eye to the very center of the ring.
===How Does This Situation Happen?===
Then Johnny wondered, how the hell does someone go for a pooh and manage to hit the sides of the rim?
Johnny thought quietly to himself; Do they shit sideways? Is there some sort of positional aiming device inside their ass that I wasn't born with? When you take a slam-dump, how can your aim be so off that you hit the rim? Am I special that I can take a crap and land a swish? My only thought on how they achieve this is they must be practicing Yoga on the toilet and only have one of their legs behind their head at the time of bombs away!. 
===Could The Answer To The Mystery Be...?===
The other conclusion Johnny came to; Maybe they are a long distance shooter? Aiming their shot from the cubicle door is worth 3 points to them perhaps? But I have never seen anyone actually doing this, have you? Johnny figured it must be a secret sports league, perhaps run by the Freemasons? That must be it! Johnny has uncovered the mystery and secret going on's of the Freemason Clan. This is the secret they have kept away from society for so long! Johnny is now convinced it must be them, because it is also them who steal socks from laundry baskets, and are also linked somehow to the pants gnome. Death caught up to Johnny when he discovered this secret, we know not how or why.
===So WTF did that all have to do with unwritten laws?===
All you need to know is men pee on things to clean them, be it a toliet bowl, the dishes, or the occasional cat. Johnny will always be remembered for being the man who gave his life to discover who is behind those puzzling little shit stains. May he rest in peace. The Freemasons and Muslims who have so much dynamite shoved up their ass they can't sit down, (especially the muslims) anymore... so you understand now why? Or are you a Freemason and want to corrupt this page from being in existence? Well, here is the article, your secret is out, and we are here to avenge Johnny's death and reveal your sick and perverted secret society, and now the entire world knows!! *EVIL LAUGH*
===Too Lazy To Get Out Of The Shower===
Sometimes it's hard work for a man to get out of the shower and go take a poop. So this leads the man to a situation of taking a dump right there in the shower. This will then cause the man's problem solving ability to go into motion, as he figures the poop is around 6 inches long by an inch wide, and the filter on the drain pipe is no more then half a cm (center-meter) times 12 of them circling the filter. Therefore force must be used, so the man will proceed to mash the feces with his heel through the filter, and then victory, his feces is now out of sight and out of mind.
The man will now feel he has accomplished something in life, and will secretly grin to himself about his epic win. However, after 7 or 8 times of repeating this action, he ends up having to call a plumber to unblock the drain pipes because of all of the feces residue. The man may have won the battles but he has lost the war.		
===Jacking Off Material===
Every man is guilty of jerking off into socks or towels or some sort of fabric/material source. Most mothers will be shocked to discover that all those times you were in this following situation, it wasn't what you thought!;
#Mother enters sons bedroom to collect dirty laundry.
#Mother discovers a wet sock and yells out to her son, ", stop blowing your nose on your socks"
#Son gets extremely nervous and mutters, "okay, m-m-m-m-m-mom"
Of coarse the situation also may have played out by a crusty towel, a stuck like glue sleeve or the cardboard from a toilet roll covered in saran wrap with an excess amount of Vaseline that shows shades of pink from the mouth he has drawn on it using his mom's lipstick.
Another typical situation is when a man finds his old wank sock that has been hiding under his beds for many months. When he realizes what it is, he will often drop it on the floor and it shatters like glass. A woman's typical reaction to hearing, but not seeing this is, "that better not have been my good porcelain"
===Aids Of Wank Assistance===
Mothers, do you remember the time you went to put on your bra and your nipples poked through two holes that mysteriously appeared since the last time you wore it? You can be assured, your son had it! He most likely cut a hole into each cup, thread a straw into them and place the creation over a cup of warm milk. Which is another unwritten law on its own, that men will always suck on a nipple like it contains milk, even though an idiot could work out that a 16-year-old virgins tits are not lactating. But a man always has to check again and again just in-case.
===Why That Happens===
Because each man started off as a curious 13-year-old virgin sucking milk through straws thread through his mothers bra cups that he made two holes in, a man will always expect a real womans boobs to have that same sweet goodness, like the taste of a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy! As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but if you give a man tits with milks, try and stop him from sucking the lake dry".
===The Ongoing Struggle===
As a man gets older ladies, if you don't put out, this shit continues on! A man will feel neglected if he ain't getting any pussy. Of course, first instincts, a woman would probably say is if he ain't getting any from the wife/girlfriend/lover/midget next door, then he will find some elsewhere... but that is not true. Most of the time a man will just search for internet porn and invent new ways to get off without you. A good tip for you to take is to hide all your beauty and skin care creams away. and hide them someplace safe. Doing this is a great tip because a man will lube up his dick with anything to skin the cheese off his donkey.
Men have been know to fuck just about anything, even if it has a pulse or not. If you discover your man has been using your 100 dollar or more skin sanitizer, then this is your lucky day if you wanna know how to make that prick stop using your creams to beat his meat off with. It's a simple task really, just replace the contents of the tub with mentholated deep heat rub! See, when I was younger, I used to enjoy jerking off with anything that could make my hand glide over my dick faster then a group of Somalians fighting to get inside a Mini Miner that someone threw a single rice crispy into... that is, until I tried deep heat, and it just about killed me from the pain of my penis feeling like I had stuck it in a burning wasps nest.
===Just Crapping On Now=== 
Yes, sir. I loved to flick one off the wrist every time I had the chance. It started out with using water as a lube, then soaps, but then I moved onto the hard stuff like Vaseline. I soon discovered that Vaseline wasn't the most lubeiest of lubrication's at first, but once you have applied enough and it has warmed up, it's party time! But one day I used up all of the Vaseline, so I had to search for an alternative. I found me some Vicks Vapor Rub, and I did, I used it as a lube! And you know what? It blew my fucking mind!!!!!
There was nothing I had experienced before in life at that time that felt as good as a little menthol on the asshole in-front of a fan on a hot summers day to get my motor going! A tingle on the balls with some Vicks and that Dicks was Spit Spit Spit!!! I really do recommend you try it.
===Let's Heat Things Up===
Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am just bragging, so I will get to the next part of the story. You see, I also ran out of Vicks one day, and went in search of another form of lubrication. I figured if Vicks felt good... then this mentholated Deep Heat chest rub cream outta be even better.... How wrong I was. It stung like a mother fucker, my balls were on fire and my asshole felt like I had sucked off a Mexican and was paying the price for swallowing. Trying to wash it with water was useless, the oils just wouldn't let it absorb anything, so I was frantically using a towel to try and wipe it all off. It burned like a bitch for about 3 hours. And there is no pain quite like it unless you have had an enema using a blow torch. To top it all off, because I was male... I ended up doing the same thing 3 years later! It seemed like a really good idea to try it at the time, and as soon as I did, the memories instantly came back that I had done that once before!
==And now we end==
Thank you for reading, and fuck off.
category:MenCategory:Male-centricCategory:Fact is stranger than fictionCategory:Bizarro WorldCategory:(non)Smokers