Harmontown No. 2: The Inception Of Girlfriends

"2: The Inception Of Girlfriends" is the 2nd episode of Harmontown, released on July 20, 2012.
== Official Description ==
While Jeff Davis works abroad, Guest Comptroller Erin McGathy (“This Feels Terrible”) joins Mayor Harmon for an in depth look at overrated masterpieces, passive aggressive text messages and how to destroy someone else’s relationship on stage.
== Show Notes ==
== Music ==
Hey, everybody you're about to listen to Harvard town. It's Dan Harmon, but I wanted to introduce you to a friend of mine that if you're a Harman / we can worry fan. You already know her uh Magic Touch she wrote the pickle Rick episode with me that this is Jessica GAO. Hi everyone. This is Jessica.
Yeah, just like a cow is not only Asian-American. She's like full-blown actual born in China Chinese, and you can't tell because she talks All-American because she was black for when she was born there, but you get to call her Chinese even though. It sounds racist. It's a. Rick I do to confuse white people, but she and I had this podcast called Whiting Wong's it's not for you you shouldn't listen to it.
It's for 44 year old white men and 33 year old Chinese women and and and only in pairs so if you if you have a friend that meets that is if you have that then listen to it. But still it's still not even for you if you're disappointed in it because why are they talking about race. They're not experts in race or ready thing like it's like.
Yeah. Well you you you were warned, but um if you can't get enough of the sound of my nasal droning a narcissistic ass kissing white indicting cock of frenzied. Uh-uh kvetching race the explaining voice boy howdy strip out. Jeff Davis strip out the Spencer strip out the Dungeons and Dragons just sit me down with a Chinese lady.
Let's just drone on about race and gender and all that stuff that you hate me talking about that's waiting Wong's come Funk come find us on Star Burns audio. We did yeah, there's a new there's also like a birth Happening Here of star Burns, audio. Jessica say something because otherwise it seems like you're like sitting on my knee like a ventriloquist, yeah.
So find it or don't ya right. Let's wait some Wong's. Good evening. Armenians Romanian accent he right here you welcome to the best night of your life. Let's welcome the mayor of Hermantown Mr.
Dan. Harbor. Thank you. Wow, what a crowd. What a crowd I'd like to welcome and thank our acting comptroller Aaron magazi.
Don't be alarmed. Just texted me if you're on stage right now turn off your phone. Already failing well with advice like that flowing and how can you don't worry Aaron? Also is my acting girlfriend? We've talked about. I on the drive up here. We're both absolute consummate prepare eration as we simply just we really really invented a word.
Yes. We think we actually sat down and said what will the word me for people who prepare a lot, but let's stutter as we say right weight was all planned out every experience. This is the Inception of talking everything's planned out if you'll you'll record it. You'll go back over gono the van backed over as they were.
Swallowing which one critically Jag movie? I can we admit. No okay, no, right? Right hey, man. I am not Napoleon. I am am a populist. I'm Obama. I have you if you don't like me like something. I like it but its Inception wow. Three dreams of the same time couple notes. What a start. They start that movie.
Dreams deep yeah. I want to get big like I wish I could use the n-word because I hadn't please look what? Dreams being real. Give me a taste. Just like don't assume I'm stupid but uh it's dramatic music. Yeah, yeah. Do you like step into it every pool has stairs like just wander in like like show?
Me the an example of a dream and that guy being in the dream. I like hey, man. You enjoying that soup. Yes. I am it's delicious. You know what I love about it. It's so real. Sike you're dreaming. Ah I thought that soup was real so in conclusion, sir. I think you could use my services you're hired.
and then. Another credits and then in the credits like reveal like okay. There's a little Call to Adventure that go to dreams deep and then have the threshold be we need to go three deems. Dreams deep baby right 3D never charismatic when you blink forget the r and dreams. It makes you say that makes all of you go.
I should be up there. I can say the word dreams. Well the Wizards behind the curtain no longer. The emperor's clothes are here, which is the name of your autobiography both of those things to buy got a little sidetracked that I want to make a promise to you. It's not going to happen tonight Harmon town is for those of you who have not been here nine ten times.
We've done this. It's a it's a town meeting. I think that's very clear from from the description of the show which is now going to be a weekly podcast and yeah. Seems like that deserves Applause is it's a thing that seems like when a comic says I just had a baby and then half the time they didn't.
Exhale ways had babies and the name they just they're just taking you for a fucking ride that a baby, and you go. Where do you go AIDS dantas basic Dana Gould you didn't have a baby Dana Gould Dan does exclusively observational comic? Humor yeah in keeping with my medicines ability that got me fired.
I'm a Comics comic Comics comic comic. It's it's like the first scene of inception hard to follow labyrinthine. You know like Back to the Future know that movie started with the kid wasn't time traveling. mainly Shake McCain at you Christopher Nolan. Did he direct that I don't know David Finch men Batman who directed it doesn't matter.
Let's hear it for Back to the Future. Tonight we wanted to the concern was that Aaron is stepping in for Jeff so that the night would my fear was people that are couples entertaining people is that it'll devolve very quickly into kind of Regis and Kathie thing. What's so hard you youngsters? Regis and Kelly.
Let me so much so you were worried you're going to be distracted by my beautiful. Yeah, that would be saccharine or that would go remember that time you did that new you know anybody. But you know duh, I so I want to I think that saying that out loud will keep that from happening. I'm probably wrong.
Let's forget it. Okay for now so cute you so cute tonight. You look very handsome look how spend my see it's not happening. Let's isn't this isn't a morning show you all should see how anyone looks underneath those clothes. I see how he looks naked. Because we're dating or so in love. Am I doing this right?
Yeah? You gave me a flashback we use a two this morning. We were having breakfast and then. Was turned into like factories. I'm on each other's bit. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. The cutting back of some tiny somebody said oh, you look you look like you lost weight, and then I lifted up my I went like that. That's what the guy at the bar did accept. You can do it your file of you guys, but this guy did it was like we get out. I got up out of a booth at a restaurant that somebody said I you let go where'd it go?
Where's the tummy and I said here it is. And this guy at the bar when he was talking to his friend, and so you have to I have to you have to rewind put the play head where I lift the shirt, and you'll know where I do it, but I'm rewinding now. You're from this like Inception. Not your chair over.
This is this that always wakes you up. Haha where what are the suitcases with the things cool? Hi guys. What is Ellen Page's role in that whole movie. She's learning how to do it. She never does it. She never does what we're alienating them, honey. They love Inception. I love. a lot of. was that they're deeply ashamed of but they got a fucking stick it out three years later.
You can't fucking Let It Go. You same way about Good Will Hunting you little fuckers. How many of you own it did you buy it fuck you buddy, I'm sorry no. I'm sorry good. I'm sorry mixed signals. I'm sorry. Thank you for being honest. Fuck you for lying all of you because none of you own. It wait.
No you were all honest to you didn't raise your hands. Thank you all for being honest. Fuck me for not like a Good Will Hunting. It's a great movie listen to the name. You like those apples. Hey good. No answer the question. Do you like apples? I fuck you you fucking dork. That little don't know just answer it.
Okay. Yes. I like apples which for ok. Did you putting me in the awkward position of having? Stance on fucking apples you're an idiot, but yes, I like apples.
Is you're embarrassing yourself me my parents Humanity giraffes any errant spy drones passing over every with the thermographic you is embarrassing holding a phone number bragging about it with the Apple tea up. Fuck you. It's not you don't give that. Be an Oscar what you get from that is 10 more movies like that.
I'm saving. Becca's the dreaming. logline for saving the Rebecca streaming did I did to Rebecca is a small town girl has been in the big city she's coming back there. They don't have a lot of lines fucking pieces of shit that all they have is a special font that looks like On Golden Pond. That's all they have Good Will Hunting keep it means nothing.
That's dumb. you. It just string words together RoboCop fuck you awesome Oscar. Where's the Oscar for RoboCop? Thank you gentlemen. And lady so we're at little Doms be left up your smile lift up my shirt and the guy goes so put the play head back to get out of the booth and the Gang I go so this is the guy and so I got I got to tell you where the camera is okay.
This is it your your me. You all over you I'll join you just lifted your shirt. Uh so he's talking to his friend whose identical. They're both like they're both built like me. I don't know if it's important to say that like hopefully both early. They're really good errors, and that's not a compliment.
You look like guys. It's like. I don't know what's what Trevor and Joey are skilled and then you play pool of them are like oh, they're good at pool. Good apple. Oh, right? So uh so the guys at the bar of this restaurant, which is two feet from the booth. I stand up someone says you look it.
Where's your belly? Where is? It find it. That's not what I mean. I thought some lady. The guy the guy said fucking gross he look at my belly he's a fucking gross, and he you don't blame them who cares. Good morning, show their coffee in this cup. I my theory on that guy is that he was. And is homophobic so we saw a man left up his shirt, and he didn't want his buddy to think that he liked it so reflexively.
I was like wow this is gross. I don't like oh like take some I would never started it. Actually, I happen at any rate is like the guy called me gross. He wants to fuck you. That's a good girlfriend. Well. That's my that's my explanation for anyone. Who's ever rude to me, so stop trying to fuck me so hard.
My mom dad, but here is a not a good girlfriend. You woke me up at 5:40 this morning. Uh you weren't awake you decided that in your sleep you were having such a great dream, but I she liked what I was awakened at 5:40 a.m.. To Aaron saying Dan Dan Dan. Well fuck shit. I just look look at. Didn't you got to do the hold up the stick look at the stick and she's pointing The Corner Room, and what did what's this stick the microphone hold up the stick you have to do it, and I okay.
I'm holding it and she went.
And then at 740 I'm like still two hours later. I'm like staring at the ceiling worried about my finances and every. Like the stick dream is amazing. It's got like it's got like. Comic figure at it like Charlie Callas comes out later as Ben as the stick party either Hannah P know who Charlie Callas though.
There are five people six people are in their hands most of them are friends because they've all got drugged cup Davis, and he's made you watch Charlie Callas on YouTube for three hours. Just this incredibly unfunny comic from sweetie. He's dead how he has done. He's a dead unfunny comic. From the 60s and 70s who for no reason just makes nonsense noises in the middle of explaining stories that no one cares about.
But when you give us an example Charlie Kelly's oppression is impeccable. Can I get a suggestion for an activity that Charlie Callas might Tuscarora with what's an activity? So me my friends we went to the pool hall and one of them grabbed. Cue off the wall, and I was like wow. And then he took the pool and air it took the pool ball and put it on the thing and I was like good writing, and I'm getting anything out right away what there's a phone call.
Yeah, sorry. I didn't doesn't make sense. Oh, yeah, right hello. This is pool calling. A little and we all went home. I think you. Yeah, good job applauding that cuz you Charlie Callas, and yeah, but his wife Rebecca callous isn't I'm sorry I hadn't come out up here my husband comes up. Just cracking crying, and she just blows her brains everywhere I G.
Like she says like I'm going to kill me. I'm gonna kill him. It'll be so funny when you go gilat. So Aaron and I have a perfect relationship, which is why and I also Aaron has a podcast about relationships because you know do you remember the name of it. It's this feels terrible alright. I just wanted you to say it.
Thanks, so I'm sorry to someone boo now watch they're booing your your your awkward approach to integrated marketing right. They're not they're not doing your had cast their booing like if Calgon. And it's at that sounds like a clean situation then they go boom if you thank you again for sponsoring Hermantown fuck you for shoe horning.
It sure should we talk about oh? Yeah? I know IM sorry you're saying we have a perfect relationship right right. That's the facade says like Sherman's march, or I never saw it. It's like Inception you think it's dream in the perfect relationship is going to turn out to not be perfect. Like Inception like like the guy eating the soup is going to turn out to fucking that movie.
Stick to it. You just love it. You just going to die for it like if I come at Inception with a Bowie knife. You're going to just fucking like you're going to me the creator of community. That doesn't that doesn't give you pause there's no loyalty. There's no Darth Vader Luke Skywalker moment Raonic father.
Please your Emperor is killing. Made. You won't pick up Inception and dump it into a fucking laser pit for me. I'm then your D walks. That's what you are. You'll deal did sing and dance. You don't care if I can blur your moon of Endor is taken over by the Empire, and I don't know you know. I got no use for you.
Just don't cook C-3PO. Haven't see that movie in a while. I think they were gonna cook C-3PO. In soup I don't know how he sat up on their Lego. He's a guy. That movie fucking fight a dick, too.
He walks everybody. That's it you guys are almost too young. It's got to the point like I when I came out to LA. It was like if I if I mentioned Star Wars home. I didn't know now now you're all I then this is what I love about you your Beyond it like racism. You don't give a shit at a mar your watch.
You don't wear watches. You know we have landlines. You don't give a fuck about George Lucas and the idea that black people can't swim is boring. You you don't you don't it's not funny. It's not shocking. It's not your like who care again with the black people fuck you. I'm a quarter Apache if I got I got a Chinese guy growing out of the top of my head.
I'm half hologram. I know if they're you know even if I'm Thoroughbred Eskimo. I still don't give a shit about your dumb racial humor. What do you Don Rickles fuck you and that's what those are the things that I love about you. But you guys should know since you're so young and so beyond it. Did you that Return of the Jedi movie those Ewoks are supposed to be Chewbacca right?
That's it? That's all I'm going to say about it wait where they? Really, I know they're called Wookies. I guess I'll research this on my own time. I didn't realize that but yeah, how bad I asked would that have been waiting originally there a little too bakas? I thought you meant that America. They were going to be Whoopi's whose but someone's muttering something.
I've been cited a nerd rage. It's valuable its value who's muttering whose motoring over here. It's ok. What are you are you saying? We've been like the holidays. Though like what the E. Why you think that you watch would have saved the holiday special you think that would have been now right by a drink afterwards.
He just wants to have sex with you. It's just thank you, baby. Thank. Hey guys. Sorry to interrupt dance drunken ramblings. I'm Jeff Davis from Hermantown here to talk about Warby Parker glasses. Do you need glasses do you wear glasses is your eyesight all fucked from playing Bubble Witch or whatever the stupid app game you play my eyes are just dying from these stupid games.
You stare at it, and then you try to look up, and you can't see shit. I'm 43 in my eyes are dying because of bubble which God damn it. Warby Parker has grasses that are really cool. The kind of vintage retro e kind of stuff, and they look great, and they're cheap as shit. They're less expensive than glasses.
Generally are which is done because people need them or maybe you don't need glasses. You just want to look professorial and kind of groovy Warby Parker makes it very easy to order glasses they have a free home try on program where you order five pairs of glasses you try them on for five days.
There's no obligation to buy them it ships for free, and you can ship them back for. You go to Warby Parker / Harmon to order your free home try ons today. The glasses start at 95 bucks, which is cheap that includes prescription lenses anti glare and anti-scratch Coatings and every pair you buy another pair is distributed to someone in need I'm hoping that its refugees.
I mean because syrians holy shit. They need glasses. I I did it. I ordered them. They come so easy boomed as a box. There's bunch of glasses now you pick the ones you like you look in the mirror and you got these Cycles. Ugly Israel you pick the ones that you like I've also if you don't have any personal awareness or any sense of identity after you get your glasses from Warby Parker / Harmon.
You can also go to the Warby Parker app from the iTunes app store, which allows you to quickly take photos wearing all the frames Stitch it into a video and share it with friends and family to help you pick a winner because you don't know what you like. You need other people's opinions because you are spineless ooze Warby Parker harmandir glasses.
They're cheap. They're awesome. Fuck you back to Hermann. Right? I'm so I asked you guys for to ask us for a relationship advice questions relationship questions, and here's number. Here's the first one here. It comes right here. It comes along with a sound effect. Is the relationship asaurus descending from the plasticine of romance too?
Jesus Christ, I'm sorry no wait no, it's it's it's time for a question.
Right there's a little bit of overcompensation here. You probably doesn't earrings insecure about filling in for Jeff. She she brought an iPad soundboard. The I applaud it I applaud effort. Thank you. That's why I love Inception. Because it tries too hard and you have you have you guys don't like this then you're Hypocrites because you want to be the Inception of girlfriend.
No don't just the sound board is it's it's the if I was a movie. What movie would I be girlfriend was you Citizen Kane
Christ? It out get out get out a lot, so there's another fucking head so. Friends and colleagues who say you love it, but alone you hate it. No no no I got it, so we're Orson Welles directed it some people choose to not understand it and I say fuck you to them over pie. Right I question number one.
Does that makes no sense? Mission watch. Dissipation formation 1973 who am I using a rotary phone I question number one. What is the significant dammit? What is the significance of a man / woman's relationship with their cat. What's the 600? That's a that's that's important? I am you have a very close relationship with your cat.
Yeah cats are about I know I would kill the music. I don't want to give notes during the show. I'm sorry. I'll stop turns out of X. Oh my God is gonna be a different sound no. It's fine. It's fine. I want to see where it's going. It's fired as I did. I we talked about this your job is not to be Jeff Davis.
So this is a whole new thing. She's got an iPad full of sound effects. Let's just good.
Guy is it's fine. He's trying to explain something to me. It were fine where the party it's part of the show podcasts its are doing get off the stage audience stop poking them. I've never had to do this with two hundred people at the same time, but guys she's really cool.
I swear to. I did that last one dogs required discipline on behalf of humans. I think that and I don't want to use bad words like arrogance and ego confidence would be a better word you have to have your shit together to have a dog so if the guy or girl that you're interested in whoever wrote this question is a dog person and you're a cat person, then I think what you have to understand is that you might be prone to act like a little baby in the.
Should you have to stay on your shit about that the the yeah? Can't think cat people to own a cat is to say I don't want responsibility to add it to the Animal Kingdom. It doesn't mean that you're incapable of taking it on its to say. I'm not ready for it yet. I don't want it yet people that have dogs are gone like you know what I got my shit together.
I want to fucking an animal to walk around and I'm going to be the sunshine and rain and its life if I. If I forget to look at it, it's going to have a heart attack if I don't tell it a pillow isn't the sandwich it won't know I might have to hit it like all kinds of weird shit. Yeah, well, don't hey don't wow whoa I didn't I didn't spend five hundred thousand years slowly warping the genes of a wolf.
Don't don't don't come crying to me. I like cats their brand new the Egyptians just invented. Like two thousand years ago better. Happy to make this announcement Dan is buying a golden doodle. See good. Thank you for holding your applause until you've got verification from me it may take a little while we researched the kind of dogs that I might get if I was going to get it dog now that I'm fired and anxiety Community was my dog it has sadly stopped fetching my slippers it hasn't.
Taken to pissing on my face in my sleep.
And having panels at Comic-Con without me which. While that was happening how did you react I strap everyone else? There's just for two days or just sort of moving boxes around that was like muttering things. I wish I thought you hated nerds, and then I just as I would find out I made a shelf wrong.
I kick. It across the room. I got mark. I'm sure hate my fucking life. I smile yeah. I'm Iraq. I am the show broke up with me. They dumped me. You know when you when you dump some. I don't owe me. I'm not. I don't mean don't do anything you can do whatever you want, but I just don't feel sorry for me.
I'm not saying these things to elicit pity. It's a confession. I need to get this off my chest. I feel warped and bad and Petty about it. I outside I smile at people I go. You know they drive by a go-to to you. And I go good morning. You want a different direction just take it out the trash. It's my duty.
You know to keep a keeper keep a smile. I won't doubt lawyer Malcolm. My show what I want if they took you baby wouldn't they came when your window took him. Maybe you'd probably just check your house. You'd probably start cleaning your house working on your showing units and every once in a while.
You'd find out that for the third time you had the Home Depot guy cut it a tenth of an inch too long. I said still doesn't fit in the fucking thing they just you just erupted into things I wanna. Hear me then in fact. I will tell you I was trying to move my chair right so I was trying to move it.
Cleaning chair, can you just kill the music though? Oh, I'm so sorry. I mean here very well. I mean I swear to God Jeff never does this. He just he you know. He's very also never Blues you.
On the weekends do I tell her I stepped on each other's yeah, right? I had a had a dream that I R. The weird thing about the 540 wake up is that was in the middle of a very intense anxiety dream, but in the dream Aaron and Jeff and I were on mushrooms. I haven't told Jeff. This yet. He's out of town, and I in the dream is such a vivid dream, and I was in a rage.
I'm surprised. I wasn't like shouting in my sleep because in my dream. I was constantly angry at so stressed out in my dream Jeff and my girlfriend and myself were on mushrooms and and like hanging out and having a good time and at the end of a big fun. Three-person mushroom trip errands at guys you know what this is going amazing.
Let's just do this. Let's see I would call me crazy. Let's just do it. And I was like Greece, but and Jeff was like yeah, I know what she made such fucking do it. We've been we've been thinking about it. Haha sounds what you've been thinking about it. Well obviously
yeah, it's an anxiety. I have so I got a good and I'm in the dream going. I only get to play one character. I am going like uh no. I don't want to look at my friend's dick. I don't want to watch him fuck my girlfriend, and I don't want to high five them while I do it, and I didn't go on and on for the reasons.
I don't want to do this, but I'm sorry guys and then and then the but then that's in the dreamlike started like when the nightmare kicked into high gear because the rest of the drain would seem like ours. You know you know like Inception like time slows down. Rent it. That's guys, so I was awoken from that by my girlfriend.
Pick up the stick with the microphone and everyone's having a great time, but me sound like the best really quicker when I the one I saw Inception in the theater. I thought with a couple 12 my mom had to take me off of her breasts, and she showed me today. She held one day you'll get this. when I saw Inception at the at the ArcLight and the last shot of.
I'm saying it's not really a spoiler is the shot of a top turning, and you don't know if it's going to fall over which would mean that he's in a knot in a dream, or if it's going to keep on spending, which means he is in a dream because he finally gets what he wants the credits. Started going up and a woman behind me said oh here we go again.
Day was about A demented top. And this forum Here We Go Again leave me there was no woman that Wonder walked out guy conceptions great. You know fuck you guys you're among dummies uh Aaron McGee text messages scrolling back to the night mirror. I was trying to move a chair through a doorway. That was too narrow for the chair.
Uh welcome to the most entertaining story life. although there were buttons nearby.
the wise the walls were cream Garrison Keillor o. How many more of an item of mush recompense? the cushioning world's o. For giving Sean Connery is Garrison Keillor impressionism is right on it is right on his right playing gin Lake Wobegon don't record. I'd really like to not get sidetracked tonight.
Okay. I'm sorry okay. Everyone a Buckle in he was trying to move it to tercer study. It's funny. I was trying to move a chair through a door the the. Chair I really like really think I came out of the gate swinging and Inception and I fucking that I think that's the goal that does the morale of tonight like I fuck.
I really fucked myself know you're doing fine doing for my wish I could take it back. Man. I wish I got like that movie. I wish someone could in sept into my head. Haha the idea that that movie is like RoboCop because he looks like a lot of skiing to me.
I was Dreamscapes weren't very cool. It's like a dream scape the original Inception. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for yours either the Dreamscape Club all came together all of my colleagues in the back like yeah, that's what it's like to have a 27 year old girlfriend. By the way.
I'm 39. I'm like. Let me show you the real Inception Dennis Quaid in Dreamscape, and then he just shows me a sec. I did that all the time later. My dick is a Dream Within A Dream. I see myself naked and science class, and then I see myself skiing with dicks for polls. Don't work with it. What we be really low to the ground like crouching, but then the dick looks up and goes.
I'm the architect. It's my dream. That's why the balls have different hair on them, and then Alan page says I have no. Into being here, there's no reason for me to be here. I was in Juneau. That's it and then just of Gordon-Levitt says I thought it was in a better movie than this I did pretty good in this movie.
I'm going to I'm going to abuse this over validation and then Leonardo DiCaprio said I love yachts. exact because of Titanic. No, no no, I mean we can all agree and Leonardo DiCaprio has a better person. I mean there's probably somebody here. I mean come on. He's got to be a shitty terrible person.
He's an okay actor. You can see it almost face. He's a bad person like when people when he said charity events deep down inside. He's like. I don't want all the carrot people don't cancer a yacht. yachts. And models you can't trust people who love Yachts, yacht. Shouldn't. Round are you basing are you?
She ever on a yacht to your night. He was on. but at the same time no no. I feel like every time I've seen a picture of him in a magazine he's with a different Starlet on a yacht really. Oh yeah, Blake Lively on a yacht gazelle Bundchen. You know I think he's on a yacht, baby. He probably just wants to fuck you yeah.
I'm a good boy. Probably right someone who's not laughing at everything. I say in the back. Hey man not going to happen. I'm sorry. I try thanks hello, but I a lot of fights. We have our guys. We're the same person year as a dishonest and narcissistic as me, and I also play to not laughing. There's there's always a guy.
There's always a guy like like lizard couple people like I thought you were gonna make up a new sitcom for me. I don't know why don't know what I and I don't I don't blame you. It's $10, and I'll see you after the show how about the male and female version of the same person trying to do a show together one is dressed like his best friend, and he just explained that he wanted to have a three way with his friends.
How about that? I so? Try to move a chair through a door the NIU I took off my shirt because I was sweating and I'm love shedding a few, but I still look ridiculous with my shirt off so she came upstairs, and she saw me standing over this chair that I couldn't get through a doorway look like a just a bad like playing this game of Tetris with one piece like trying to flip it was just like coming out.
I just like a drenched in sweat, and I've taken up my shirt. I look like a community. Our version of Stanley Kowalski I had tried to move the chair through the door every conceivable way. It's kind of shaped like a whistle this thing. I gave picture like a whistle. Do they always Littles now or have been those made absolutely by WiFi is there like a I still wet on the football field right now use a laser now you shined it in their eyes.
I don't know. I don't follow Sports. I maybe the whistle you don't have the whistle chance. There's a whistle. I was trying to figure out his lady, but the back through the very narrow doorway. Occurred to me. I figured out one angle, and I said shared this with Aaron. Because I trust her and love her.
Thank you. That's the end of the story. Next question are Bret Baier. Why are you so pretty Erin weird? This is my spirit my good spirit.
Sorry, she actually doesn't work as a replacement for Jeff Davis, so did you have any stories about the time you ordered milk and the chef said? Thank you. Yeah, right, no one ever orders milk. No one ever orders milk like that. How did you learn to order milk? I just don't know no. I just dude you were you born milk special.
Thank you. Thank you, so I guess I don't know. I don't fucking care. Uh the the I said IM going to have to take the door off the hinges in order to get the chair through and almost makes it through I got to take the door off the hinges errands immediate response. Don't do that. It's a two man job.
Have you ever taken a door off the hinges before? And tried to put it back on its a two man job is harder than you think I go. It's screws in some wood. It's a fucking door. It's a door. I've no I've never to be perfectly honest with you. I've never taken a door of a changes in the put it back on.
Well. It's harder than you think well Eric and I didn't actually ask for your help, and even if I did. I don't think telling someone to not to do something is helping them. I don't I find that to be a very discouraging definitely set it as. Wheat and reasonable as you're saying it now. So she goes well.
I'm going to go out drinking again.
And I say we go out fucking I'm going to go out sucking again. Oh no laugh. I'm so sorry. It was kidding. I didn't say that we had to carry ok. I'm so sorry Destroyer with bitch because the truth is funnier than you're right. You're right. You're right here. I want to go out and drinking and with the drawing room you left.
And I like fucking four-door so anti like she's right. That's kind of hard to take off add or by yourself. Unless you put a fucking thing under the door. It's like cartoon logic. It's like why is it hard because the door of you take is screw the screw. It'll start to fall off the hinges. Oh, no what am I going to do?
What am I what am I a fucking Fox Amaya Beaver? No. I'm not primate. I think I'll go get a thing that's as high as the door comes off the ground, but it under the door so there when it comes off the hinges its resting on that shit. Duh, and I took it off his fucking hinges, and I put the chair.
Through the door and I I put the dirt back on the hedges, and I sent my drinking girlfriend enqueue photos one of the chair in the room that it was too small to big to get into the other of the newly intact door hinged and ready for closing or opening. And I said now, so you want to you'll be me and I'll be you right so you be me.
I'll be you. It was probably a two man job, but you probably forgot. I have the power of 10 men.
And no idea that Tim Allen had cloned himself in their 5010 Islands on the well. You know right. Let's just read and then we'll talk about it Aaron huge. Really was a two-man job. You probably forgot. I have the power of 10 men.
That's awesome. I'm legitimately impressed. I don't want you to be impressed. I want you to be supportive of me, and if in the face of adversity.
Or or I guess you could fire me and tell everyone that I did it in officially.
Jesus. Sorry, he did to the punctuation Jesus period okay, okay, I'm sorry period. I love you period right you really did it.. pause. Sorry, I was trying to save you heartache lesson learned no punctuation. Genera transfer 120 Minutes. Later uh. Are you mad at me know? Okay. It's not that crowded here if you want to drink exclamation points just me and Kimber note.
Thanks very tired. Okay., You sure you're not upset question work. I don't have enough energy to be upset, but I can't take away the same shame you feel for not believing in my door powers.
That is that is shame you're putting on yourself. - -
OK true is it ok If Kimber stays in your guest room. That's fine. Thank you is this morning. As the morning unimportant yeah, he left, I woke up to an empty bed, so I texted him. You can play Minecraft in here. :-). Otis
nobody need to hold up the stick anymore because that's why I was downstairs. I'm fucking 540 of the morning want this dick fucking for you a Levin dream, bitch.
I'm going to go play a video game where where my efforts are rewarded in a linear fashion. That's that's the name of my 70s metal. And 3-way 11 dream, bitch. And then people everywhere Lovin dreaming, bitch. she likes. Abercrombie & Fitch Shawna speaking of which I'm wearing this sweater to honor the fact that the air conditioning is working in this room.
I'm sure you guys. Sweltering hot in here the fact that I can wear a sweater up here is amazing and we owe that. To I believe we owe that to what we owe that to everybody at Meltdown Comics. I they they're there they don't have to this place is always packed. They could tell you to go fuck yourselves as a customer.
They have your money. They have your devotion, but they choose to adjust the climate that the expense of thousands of dollars to them they want you to be happy as well as lucrative here. Value yes true value did someone say True Value. We we make hardware stores not slogans. True Value. right and butter and more air than milk and twice as yellow.
P since 1940 butter. District 2 the quite break it up Riggins it there's people in the back is like the kick the Charisma zone is here like these people. Explain its like a SeaWorld show they feel the Brine and the shrimp on their faces. They're like I fucking love whales like can I get can I get a whale hat on my way out.
I let the drive on their like what the fuck was that which I Wales via the people that as you go further back which people in backward are like what the fuck is going on guy. Just talking to his girlfriend about fucking whether his ass is fat and fuck these people. I don't know I fire him, too. To keep I guess I do that to get that reaction.
I also probably did some stuff to get fired. I'm sure I did like I never ever ever did anything. They wanted me to do the guy. They always we're going hey. Short on the show dude thinking to me like The Three Amigos with Chevy Chase. Ok I'm on it shaich till the house the video game episode coming they didn't they didn't like me I didn't listen to them.
I'm not a hero for doing that that's childish if you have ever have a television show you should clean your plate. Do your show do it the way that they want you to do it? Otherwise you won't get to make a television show anymore. You just be hanging out if you like television so much. Do you do it, right?
To his right knee my relationship is perfect. I'm not here to give TV show advice. What are you raising your hand sir listen? Well, this is important? I heard 1.2 videogame the wait what if any Rihanna? I'm so as what?
No, no it has he asked is the vit was the video game episode ever the finale people that big fans are likely the the production codes of the episodes like the numbers 320 321 322 sometimes. We Shuffle episodes, and those are a tip-off we do do that and because we do we do make it is a disservice to the continuity of the show sometimes.
They go well 313 is a happier episode. We're coming back from a break or whatever. We like Shuffle it a little bit. I always tell people when we do. And another DVD I well I'd have no control right now, but they're supposed to correct that the DVD in the cases of things like that the production codes of the episodes like with the Christmas episode of the stop animated and that video game episode.
We tend to just give it the latest production code number because I why I'm not necessarily sure it has something to do with just giving it likely because it's like that's a post productive intensive episode. We're going to get to that that'll be the last one that we finish producing. Let's just call it 322 for instance.
And on the other wet so it was never there was never it was I would never do a finale like with just them playing video games. I would do it with a guy going a cardboard box and Duda turning into a flash of light because I'm a genius and it's a very odd of you to just blurt out that question, but it was no probably that's fine didn't turn into a rape or anything.
At alarming to people when someone does that because it's possible then that you could just start raping people and no one would be able to do anything about it, so the whole feeling of social order kind of collapses because there's two hundred people if you all just charged me. You could kill me if y'all just started talking or eating peanuts.
Even if you all eat peanuts in unison that would be like a form of absolutely would overpower me, and I would I would I would do you wouldn't be able to hear me also when you have all the powers so like with apartheid like I need you to not know that. I need to delay that realization that you guys are in charge.
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next year the picture of Adam Baldwin's balls. What were we talking about your we're going on to our next question right yeah next question Dan. Do you believe in love at first night first night? I'm sorry.
Freddy and slip at First Sight discuss. I'm going to say well. I'm going to say no because I like the definition of love is I believe that people who end up. Like happy together forever you can trickle back and find out that they when they saw each other they were into each other like an intense level on shared by any previous relationship, but that that might be coincidence.
I because I think that love is true. Love is you number one you you die for the other person. That's a hard one to that's a tough order to fill. I well well there might even be like degrees of level of Roman. But but but also like. You have to be when you love somebody you have to be willing to endure their bullshit that High Fidelity monologue about you know you're not allowed to compare the women that you see on the street to the ratty panties that are hanging over your shower curtain.
I'm paraphrasing a better writer than me, but but but you you that monologue making a curtain the person that you're with every day as you say when you eventually marry. Have at some for better for worse than you taking a vow not because you want to like what it turns into in Western societies.
We'd like hold hands are like right now, but promise for real accept unless we get a divorce ok go when it's really supposed to be like no because you're going to be shitting sometimes like I'm not gonna. You know I'm gonna average things out now. I'm not going to base it on whether or not every date.
Goes perfectly when I'm gonna date anymore. We're going to have breakfast together, and it's like you're going to be in. Add mood I'm going to be a bad mood, and you know when I want to hit you with an iron. She says we'll talk later. I wish she would iron more. I hate that. I have to do all the ironing.
And that you stand there and watch me with your head in a head holder, and I just I love my head holder. I it's perfect for nothing. It's perfect or nothing. It doesn't you can you draw out the reading of the next question so I can get a drink. I'm holding I'm covered in. Ones here we go let's see the gassy.
Can you make this work here it goes coming out and there it is, right?
not such a bad
girlfriend. She has her moments. Uh like a lamb allergy lie which we'll get to in just a moment. I don't think it's going to be very fun alright well now. I feel like it has to be I don't think it's going to be a long story. No um Once Upon a Time Aaron pretended to have a lamb allergy. Just to get her way the end.
they lived happily ever after question mark. Next question it looks like what's the question I reacted to you saying a question mark oh happy relationship you fucking assholes. I I just I just had a mix of nine out. I just want to go back to your ex girlfriends you guys had a lot of fun. It's fine.
I'm sure no one will happen so it's like dating myself. Watching worst. and the best. How arrogant? I'm not going to defend our relationship its passionate Gadget. I got there are crimes of passion where someone cut someone's head off with a chainsaw. There's a crime of passion well presciently in love with you.
I may decapitate you at some point. I mean Danny or Mary. I want to stay in front of everybody Daniel my best friend. I love Tron. And I love attention from strangers gentlemen don't do that. Don't put your shingle out because it has a town. This is apropos of this line of conversation. I've been with my boyfriend for eight years.
I love him, but we fight all the time. What should I do wait for real OK Miriam? Been with him for eight years you're if you're asking that question you're looking for someone to like fire a gun at the starting line. That's you getting out of her relationship. You don't ask that question of you is.
Sara Lee because if you fight all the time a lot of the times like people why would you ask that question if you weren't because because other people are constantly going you know you guys fight all the time like if you and I are in a desert island I wouldn't know that I that I fought with you all the time right, I'm just interacting with you the way a mommy does a daddy.
The way I understand it, and then my same friends go Jesus Christ. Are you guys hate each other like this? Is the person that wrote that down want to retain their anonymity or can you answer a couple questions by shouting out yet? Just just simple there are 20 guys in the audience that are about to throw up.
Okay, if you want to come up come up if you're if you're okay with time.
Here come here's the sound. Keep Spirit. Sorry that you can you can take this I'm sorry. I'm sorry about my girlfriend here artifacts. Sorry welcome to the Bottom of the Sea where or the inside of a uterus whatever that sound effect was it's comfortable cozy your name. Is ma'am. My name is Tiffany Tif gotta color and Miss, bro.
I don't don't know that code. I don't know always gentlemen always call our young women Miss right we get called ma'am. It's a bummer right. No. Go ahead. Call me. Ma'am. I don't write. Thanks for selling me out. I'm wearing a suit, but I'm a woman back me up man. I don't know right so. I'm sorry.
What's your name young little little little tater tot my name is Tiffany Tiffany. Right you are got it right nomadic device Tiffany gave up any that was Tiffany uh-huh Tiffany, so you're is he here. Yeah. Oh Jesus well. Very mad that I wrote that question actually. I'm glad yeah, of course you guys yeah, I will that's what Aaron and I fight about fighting so so serious.
Tiffany 26 listening to what you're saying and it felt exactly like when she said you can you can play Minecraft in here, I'm like the eyes, I think I've texted that to him before bigger OK, did you ever read that Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus thing know there's I didn't either, but I listen to the book on tape.
And and they got because I was taking a road trip, and the guy said that women are like waves they crap they. Isn't fall and men are like rubber bands. They back away, and then they snap forward so you probably they're everywhere you can always find a new one. I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry.
I'm just happy as a podcast producer because I oh there's an edit point we can pretend the show ended there. The middle of an interview Tiffany, how old are you and your how old are you guys? When you first started dating we were 16 and over 24. Hello. How old are you guys when you moved in together um in 1919?
Okay in 1919 no I got it. I'm sorry that was moving. I was trying to think of it know you got seniors old. They are great. I would like to be a friend HBU change. I would say no matter. What happens. We all change so much from 16 to 24. We turn into different people we put become different people so no matter what happened there.
There are no heroes or villains as Dan told me once. There's no good or bad and love their Source honest and dishonest. So let's get him up here, sweetie that video. He does want to come up here. I'm so sorry is he willing to come up, or is he OK Garland Omega. That's no the but didn't come up. If you want to come up don't have me telling you to do things.
I don't care. Men are like it invites to your imaginary wedding bands men men pull back when they feel like there's a risk. Of them being emasculated or confined constricted men men have this like tendency according to this book. I'll Trust this guy sounds like he's eating a ton of pussy. If you ever heard his voice on tape it just sounds the most masculine guy in the world that he but but but he says something that kind of resonated with me is like yeah women go up and down.
What's the most frequent conversate? What's the most frequent ending to every argument that men and women have. It's I didn't want with a woman sang. I didn't want you to do anything about it. I just wanted you to like support me and the man going. I don't understand what the fucking time with the door to her.
Yeah, well, that's look. Women
we welcome you back on behalf of all the ladies. I told her I told her Miriam. You've been together a years. That's. Further 16 thing that that that that you have you adjust for inflation their six sixteen to twenty doesn't count but about that doesn't mean that your relationship doesn't count that's still a four year relationship.
I don't not good at math. I have never gone more than three years and at the end of three a quake of a relationship to last a certain length like there's a I'm a behaviorist not a I think that if people are together, then it says that they want to be together and if in that relationship there.
Fighting then it says that both of them are kind of like committing to this like Opera. Where you fight, and that's the definition relationship and like if you if he's going like I'm gonna go down in my boxers and like disappear and hide in the closet and play on my laptop, and you got knows what and you're going like I don't unjust.
You say take your hands off the wheel and if the car goes in the ditch you're not going to die because it's not a car. It's a relationship. I would say. Good, I got my advice to everyone here for every problem that you have I guess we could yeah, I would say I would say no matter what and I hope this isn't a catalyst for like a like a big conversation you have a huge fight usually I know I know, but I just I just want to say that like it.
We are cultural values love and commitment so much and that's important, but like no matter what happens that means something that you guys were together for so long. That's meaningful and like I had a really relationships, and I that with naan. He says those those those relationships that you have are important and if something was to happen and you guys were to go on different paths.
It doesn't negate what you had already and you can still love each other even if you want different things. I mean you may call him from time to time disaster if he wants to fuck you break up with her like it right in front of him. I this is why women drive me nuts. We're done. Am I what I'm signing with the guy because he's a guy.
I hate myself. I know it's like there's no. There's no. There's no side Tiffany. I will say you are in for a world of shit when you go back to your safe. Yeah. Yeah, I think so well. Thanks Tiffany for Tiffany relationship. Fresh. Where are paltry. It's like a question. We didn't commit any crimes just now that that numerous reality shows don't come at like there was that.
Show that basically murdered Corey Ham, which is prayer let yeah, hilarious. Have been how I don't more drugs are these dead and they're like well guess that shows cancelled. No. I don't I don't want anyone to break up. I just want people to not feel guilty for their paths changing or to not value their previous relationship, but she did her question wasn't and I don't want to fight with you, but again, but her question wasn't.
What do I do about the fact that there's a reason why you ask a question like if I put in like I hate you so much. I just like I just will have it out in the car wow I turned into a owes. Yeah, try it. Let's see what happens. Yeah. Yeah, right I get Harmon extent relationship expert. How do I get out of the friend zone?
How do you know? I run it into the ground fucking like League like tell her I'm assuming. This is a dude.
There is such a thing girl that ends over the friend zone, but there is what there is wispy mustache sweat on this so I believe it is. Believe it is a dude. There. Is there is a gap. For a canvas wants to know how to treat a paintbrush, but yeah, it's probably a guy asking how to get out of.
Friends out it happens sometimes you paint by going like this with an easel.
And the friend zone you you already know the answer to that question you you you tell her how you feel because she she she will people run like you're a fucking atom bomb late like you and be honest with yourself about whether you can stand hanging out with her when sex is off the table. The Fret the friend zone thing is like a sticking point with me because my I had the issue with you you that's what you said you and I were the yeah, I fucking I wanted I wanted to die.
I thinly tolerated it, but I sent I said to you I demanded to know. What does really meant this platonic relationship did it mean that you had other irons in the fire is that what that means to say you and me hang the idea that you not being not being ready for a relationship does that mean that that you're not ready for a relationship with like seven dudes at the same time or does that mean that you really like me.
I that's not really the point because it's a her. How she responds up to her. He's right like it wasn't it was in a normal shit. L situation there were there are reasons scientist the thing with the thing that a guy has to do to protect himself from that is to is to always just like as a son charismatic at his like it.
We're encouraged as guys. We go women always call us Liars. They always go like oh guys are pigs your liars and all this stuff, but guys are we are pigs dogs whatever that animal whatever animal metaphor you want to use, but we're simple. We are capable of just being honest and blunt about what it is we want and we kind of like get trained over.
I'm probably justifiably to have a little bit of.
Grace about it and but that can slide into lying and deceiving and like playing some weird game, and then on the other side there are honest women who are cool with that and will say two guys like I think you might you say you want to be platonic friends, but I. I feel like this is more than that I just want to make sure you understand right, okay communication works, but then there are as many dishonest women who's there are dishonest men at so what happens is.
There's a guy on one side going like I'm in it for the long kind. I'm going to sneak in the back door. She's with Richard right now, but I'm there when she cries. I got a room brella. I love umbrellas to put under her eyes for her cheeks something like that. Who's this talking to me is it guys.
This is Scott Cherry know God keep it down with you and Jerry Jerry want to talk to you. Oh, just talking to myself the audience a Shakespearean character kind of legal sometimes they talk outward to share their thoughts and feelings. Ya hear. You don't necessarily an invitation to the fucking.
Dialogue, I just a guy trying to get a Jerry first of all. I love your burlap pants second of all. I you know sometimes. You know everybody women and men go through different stages of insecurity oh God. How'd you how'd you make such an exciting world?
You the same guy that invented flamingos. Yeah, just dragging me down. I was in a good mood. I created the Flamingo and the Platypus. Can you do what can I do to get you back in that mood? I looking for American got less of a Judd Hirsch from Taxi God. Don't wanna area are talk to very few people you're wasting your God time.
point taken finish up
Jerry women and men when their. Writing state or sometimes insecure, so I think that sometimes nice guys when they're younger when they're teenagers and are in their early 20s, and they approach women there like I just want to be friends. It's hard when you're insecure to accept that somebody likes you so that when women get older.
That insecurity thing kind of change is a little bit so with that friend thing like maybe it's more about her than it is about you, and you should be you should probably go bark up a different tree what I think I'm a Rockstar right. What are you saying like good? Take your God mask off Aaron? It was me Dan the whole time.
What the fuck are you talking about iono? Hi you're saying that some of those are situations where never saying if the friends are person. If you're comfortable if you could just scream out your age really quick. If we're not all the guy who was yeah, he doesn't want to he doesn't he's sitting with the chick that he's in the friend zone with.
Also so much for giving me a ride to Alex's house, so I appreciate three years into a 9-year check. I look it up for us. He's not like Tiffany and and Zorro whoever. Well, I assume he's Ro he fucking gets away with murder with her. We don't need the friend zone. Don't don't get in it. That's the only advice we can give it's like saying how do I get out of quicksand?
You can Dad don't ever when you see it step around it. You would say I would say we're snowshoes. I would say across the board and I think ladies will agree with me if your intentions are romantic sucking own that don't be like hey like yeah, this isn't date. I mean if I can just drive you to coffee or whatever and then all of a sudden.
I say like rebuttal. I'll get pussy like that's that's horse. That's good dishonest is that if you if you my friends are like shaking so don't do that. Well. I feel like if you're interested in somebody first look look Jerry in the mirror and say Jerry. You're cool because you're smart you made these burlap pants.
No one wears for left hands, and then when you see a girl that you like go up to her. Hey. Hey, what's your name? Is Angela Angela I think you're real beautiful if I could buy you a drink sometime? I would love that don't think you don't do it doesn't always work, but it's it's more likely to get you laid than the alternative which is like hey.
Hey, my name is Jerry. What's your name? Equal to doing a bringer stand-up show a lot of friends are coming. That's not a date. Not a date. Who yeah, I have Unicom. That be great. I'll be Facebooking you later. Shall we agree on something the I agree with ya ask women out. Yeah like that's a great way to avoid like ask them out to dinner a say, let's watch Breaking Bad together.
I don't like tell them basically. I am I'm interested in you. I that's where I'm not saying. That's where you did. Yeah, I first I said platonic drinks. It did that once that's my limit. Is it a platonic drinks, right? Okay, how can you turn that down because you'd be a monster. That's my bear trap.
Working for you, then after potato drinks. You go. Guess. What someone's interested in selling my little bit more happy, and then they tell you yes or no the difficult thing is not being afraid of the know. That's the horrible thing because you feel like if they say no then your balls fall off, and I fish hook grabs you and you it turns out.
You lived in a pond your whole life, and that is someone gets to eat you if women don't like you right. We're going to do. around. Where this is the right of Hermantown my all of my answers will be three words okay? Okay, so I put on music no. Because it what you will press a button and it'll be a Philosoraptor.
Write your am sorry. Okay. What is true love? You don't have to limit yourself. I'll have my hand up dying for another right. How do I know it? How do I know? What's love? De Beaute dyed sir my. My wife my wife isn't a redhead. What should I do? show her Clairol. write what to gross of an age difference when the ladies older?
I lady in parentheses and 31. Seven. quick bite. Awesome, I don't know if it had a minimum of three. I did I said Magnum. Are has to Bayesian of the imprint disease of the sexual and artistic kind and then an Asterix and its effect on romantic relationships? I've you do it constantly.
if you guys. To talk to me. I'll be oh shit. I want to thank people you're playing the thing here. We go play it. I want to thank some people that are involved in the show now that we're actually podcasting it really fucker. Also if you want to if you want to take a little break, but I'll be hovering around here if you want to like talk to me.
I don't want to be presumptuous about that. I don't pretend that anyone wants to talk guys. I really means a lot to him, so please come up and talk to him. I wanted to thank you for coming to a Hermantown town meeting will do another one next week now that we're weekly, but I want to thank Katie Levine for doing the audio recording here outside.
Zach McKeever for doing all things technical making sure we don't pop and whistle and everything audio related Emily Gordon whose I don't think is here, but she's the producer of the live shows her idea to do this in the first place Daniel Kramer the program director and Moe Paschal Bob goddamnit mode.
Did I get that right waffle Bob its Egyptian mofetil Bob is the on-site director and Daniel cremers the program director, Justin Marshals are. A podcast producer he makes shooting he's in charge of making sure we get on the air for you, and I also I'm going very special. Thanks to Jenny fine who made our Hermantown winning logo for the Harbor Town podcast.
Thank you, Jenny. Thank you so much and Commercial. I think doesn't Marshall Mary. I'm going to fucking break up with you as soon as the show is over. Thank you for coming. No one's babe. Used by that anger. It's always been funny to me. I'm from Wisconsin. I think is always jammed, and I love you.
I love you, too. Thank you for coming to our Valentine's edition of Harmony. I'll see you next. As a branch of the United States government is the mission of the National Security Agency to assess and flag citizens of the country who may present a threat to its secure full fiance has clearance to wiretap by any means necessary tapped incidental recordings of private conversations from the files of the NSA.
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