When January Was Forever

If I ruled the world; everyday would be the first day of Spring. Have you ever felt like January of all months seems to be particularly long in a way. Does it ever seem to in a weird day seem to go on forever. How does one month simply last forever? I mean it doesn't sense right? I mean January like so many other months only has 31 days, and yet it seems to go on forever. By the time February comes along, we've all become old and grey. I think a big part of that comes from the fact that January happens right after Christmas. Being the first month after Christmas, January has not got a very positive reception over the years, and to be honest with you it breaks my heart. Well it kind of does anyway. Now even though most people despise January like the plague, believe it or not quite a few people are actually in great support of January, and actually view it as being the best month of the year. Don't believe me? Well sit down on my polar bear rug as I share with you a little story from my little black book of yarns. This my friends is the story of an alien from the planet Jaxter which is just north of the planet Honex. This alien's name was Mr Swackhammer. Get your tissues out people because this is going to be an emotional one.
Mr Swackhammer nicknamed Swack by his uncle in Kennedy Town, had a real thing for January. He believed that January was the primary time for sales. You see; Swackhammer owned a massive supermarket chain called Got 2. Yes that's seriously the name he chose. Well actually he didn't choose it, his great grandfather chose it and Swackhammer was forced to keep the name even though deep down he despised it. Got 2 was a massive supermarket chain and was essentially the Jaxter planet's equivalent of Walmart. Swackhammer was a very intelligent alien as he had made Got 2 a worldwide company, and he had taken great steps to make the company completely legitimate. His successors had always relied on criminal connections in order to keep the company up and running. Got 2 was widely regarded as the best store in all of Jaxter, and it was so successful that Swackhammer began actually considering expanding the operation down to the planet Earth. The problem? Well; Swackhammer hated how the months of the year worked on Earth. You see; on Jaxter, they have eleven Januarys and only one other month which is August. Wrap your head around that one Goof Troop. It was actually because of Swackhammer that the planet had eleven Januarys because he was actually also Governor of the entire planet. As governor, Swackhammer was able to sanction and decide upon all of the laws of the land. There was also another thing about the planet Earth that made Swackhammer troubled about expanding down there. That thing was Christmas.
Christmas was for some reason by the worst time for sales. This was because due to a contract he made with the Grand Ruler and former UCTF member; Richfield. The contract was that Got 2 would close all it's stores across the planet in December due to a lack of sales. Christmas worked very differently on Jaxter as people stayed inside their homes and listened to Queen. At 12.39 in the afternoon, you had to watch a speech from Richfield which was so fricking boring it will make you sleep, and the worst thing is that the speech lasted for the entirety of December. This was the reason why Swackhammer had made January an all year event. Richfield was unable to stop Swackhammer from making January an all year round thing due to Swackhammer having a truckload of evidence about Richfield's past ties to the UCTF. What does UCTF stand for? I don't bloody know alright!? Why would you even bother asking me? I'm just a restaurant spokesperson ya know buster? Puffing on his cigar, Swackhammer pondered a ponder about whether or not it was possible to make January a year long event on Earth. "Hmm I'll need to have a look around first, and see what's what." Swackhammer said to himself as he had no real friends. That's really sad. Actually no it really isn't it was Swackhammer's fault anyway for banning Christmas anyway. Big mouth prick! That same day, Swackhammer and his associates took their star liner, and headed onwards to the planet Earth. Arriving on Earth on January 31st, Swackhammer ended up heading straight towards London. In London, Swackhammer proved himself to be a terrible driver as he ended up crashing his bloody ship right into Big Ben. The ship then proceeded to crash right into the Thames. Swackhammer had no time to worry about now and instead dispatched his right-hand man and straw dealer Frankie Strawhead to investigate the planet. It's also worth mentioning that Mr Strawhead was accompanied by two demented horse muppets named Jimmy and Alister Balister.
Now, Strawhead is actually from Earth, and he trained to become an astronaut with NASA. Working for NASA, Strawhead was placed inside of a shuttle that was designated to land on Neptune. Sadly, the shuttle ended up going a little of course around the time it reached Saturn and so Strawhead ended up crash landing on the planet of Jaxter. There was no one else on the shuttle with him apart from his dear pet horses, so everybody over at NASA assumed that he had died. It also didn't help that Strawhead didn't know how to use the phone which had been installed into the shuttle. This meant that he was unable to report back home and ask for someone to come and save him or in the very least to come and give him some crust of bread. "No crust of bread for those in need!" Strawhead cried as he stumbled around the wreckage of the space shuttle. Swackhammer just so happened to be walking his pet Venus fly trap near the crash site, and this led to his meeting with Strawhead. Over time, the pair grew to become best friends. The pair are still close though Swackhammer secretly views Strawhead as a liability due to a poorly concealed mint sauce addiction. Don't ask him for a favour or his nastiness increases! Yes; Strawhead has a pretty serious temper. One time, he was at the track over on Burbank and he got so fricking bad when his win ticket got swept by a pigeon that he killed two Molinari enforcers with his bare hands. He turned those two damn enforcers into rotten kebabs. If you know what I mean? Swackhammer had decided to dispatch Strawhead to find someone for him. He had given Strawhead a photograph of the person he seeked. That person was none other than the Time King.
According to reports made by Rocking Ricky Foxx over on Empire Central Radio, the Time King was the very master of time. The problem was that the Time King had become very cagey, and was known to be very careful about how he used his powers. Time King controlled all of time, but he didn't really do anything with his powers. He was considered to be the black sheep of the High Council even though he had played a pretty premiant role in the battle against Snowden and the Snowman Mafia. I'm sure you're well aware of that if you've been reading the Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia funnypasta guide. You better had been reading it because there's a test afterwards. With lots of training montages! The Time King was very scared as in truth he did know the extent of his powers. He had always been warned by his father Cogsworth not to be deceived by appearances, and Time King had taken that very advice to heart and sealed it with a fart. Now, Time King believe it or not had no real interest in being the lord of time. Nope in reality, all Time King really wanted to do was to run a garage in San Fierro with his homies. Sadly, Cogsworth was a very stubborn clock as he said, "you make me real sick my duckling!" Cogsworth and his words had effected Time King greatly, and so he was reluctantly forced to abandon his ideals, and continue on with his duties as the master of time. Time King was the very creator of time so they say in Germany, but have they ever heard of a thing called Old Man Tyme. We'll talk more about him later.
Traveling around London, Strawhead eventually made contact with Gordon Beak a former member of Colonel Dodo's crew who was now legally blind. He lost his sight after seeing the sheer beauty of the Time King. Gordon Beak invited Strawhead for a wee pint at the Galway Arms, and Strawhead agreed happily. The Galway Arms was known as the worst pub in all of London as the landlady forces all of the patrons who attend to eat table scraps, and there is also this really rotten snot nosed kid with super long hair who sings Radio Gaga. It is also worth mentioning that the kid is not a very singer, as much as he claims to be one. Kid's got a voice like fucking Minnie Mouse! Ain't that a kick in the head ain't it Goof Troop? So, Strawhead and Beak upon learning that Galway Arms was closed due it being a Sunday; decided to take a walk around London until they reached a small park area. "Why have we come to this lonely part of the town?" Strawhead inquired. I got to be honest with you; I'm honestly surprised he could even see since his hair was so blooming long it covered his entire face. You couldn't even see his eyes, and the only part of his face which you could actually see was his nose. His nose looked like a Turkish garden hose, and the sheer size of it makes my feet itch and my teeth to ache like a tuna pasta bake. According to Gordon Beak, this small rundown park area was the primary hangout for the Time King. He often came to the park on Sundays in order to feed bread to the ducks. Don't you know that bread is actually harmful for ducks Time King? You sick bastard! Gosh you really are such a pathetic strawberry biscuit aren't you Time King?
So, Strawhead and Gordon Beak decided to make themselves comfortable by sitting down on a nearby bench. A couple minutes later, Time King arrived in the park carrying a big old brown bag full of bread. No crust of bread for those in need no cheeses for these mices! I know that prick never bothered giving any cheese to those mice over on Walnut Pass, but he'd happily give some to the ducks. Strawhead and Gordon Beak made their way over to Time King as he began setting up tent over at the duck pond, and Strawhead upon seeing Time King in the flesh asked, "Time King is it really you?" "Yes my son; but do tell me do you intend on making this information public?" "Probably why?" Strawhead inquired which caused Time King to pull out his staff of time. "Whoa slow down!" Strawhead cried at the top of his lungs as he then continued with, "look Time King as much as it pains me to admit it; my friends and I we... we need your help okay? So just put the staff down, and listen to me okay?" Time King complied with my demands by indeed putting his time staff down as he asked, "okay I'm listening you have my esteem attention so make it snappy alright?" "Very good Time King." Strawhead said as he then proceeded to explain Swackhammer's plan on making January a year long event. "That my friends is quite possibly the stupidest plan I have ever heard in me life!" Time King yelled. Realising that Time King would not help him out, Strawhead and Beak opted to steal the staff of time right from under the King's nose. Well he didn't actually have a nose, but whatever the point tis the same regardless. The play is the thing after all. After nicking the time staff right from under the Time King, Strawhead and Beak then proceeded to make their way down the streets of London cackling evilly as they did so. Oh how delightfully gorgonzola!
Time King horrified about what could Strawhead and Beak would do with the staff of time, he decided to arrange an emergency conference with James Sand at Pier 453. James Sand sat at the very edge of the pier watching as the jellyfish dragged sailors beneath the waves. "So what's happening Time King. How's things been with ya ever since we killed Snowden?" James Sand inquired as Time King made his presence known. "First of all Robot Santa killed Snowden not us, and second of all this has nothing to do with Snowden James." Time King cleared his throat as he then continued with, "these two ass wipes Strawhead and Gordon Beak have stolen my staff which controls all of time." "I uh thought your father did that." James Sand said awkwardly which caused Time King to click his fingers as he proclaimed, "oh by Joe you're right! My father will know exactly what to do!" And with that, Time King and James Sand caught the first cab to Textile City which is where Cogsworth had made his residence according to the postcards he had sent Time King last Christmas. Cogsworth and his home was not what James Sand was expecting at all. It quickly became crystal clear to Sand; that Cogsworth was nothing but a sham as he did not live in the time zone as he had led Time King to believe. Nope, in reality, Cogsworth lived in an old rundown apartment. The apartment was located unground. Cogsworth had been inspired by his friend Carlos to live underground as he was part mole after all. Part clock what if part mole right? So it came as no surprise then that Time King and James Sand found Cogsworth to be of almost no help.
Cogsworth however was not as dumb as he seemed, as he switched on his old box telly which showcased the afternoon news break. Incredibly rude news reporter Gareth Eggplant was shown standing near the Thames right next to the wreckage of Swackhammer's ship as he said, "ladies and gentlemen; we are in deep dog poop. According to Prime Minister Boris Johnson, our country is currently right in the middle of an eternal January." Eggplant then proceeded to sniff one of his antennas because he's a bastard as he then continued with, "you may have already noticed, but it's been half past two for the last two hours. Now, no one is quite sure what happened, but Mr Johnson has assured me and my camera crew that..." Suddenly, Gareth Eggplant's news report came to an abrupt end as it cut to show that Strawhead and Beak had unwittingly created a series of knock on effects by making January last forever. For example, zombie hybrid carrots now appeared from the ground. Since it was always January now, the zombie carrot hybrids had not gotten the care and control they so desperately needed. This meant the hybrids had become very bloodthirsty. However, Strawhead was able to pay the hybrids silence before offering them a free record player. All carrots sure do love record players I tell ya! Acting under Strawhead's orders, the carrots were able to kidnap General R. Asquith, and they decided to hold him captive at an undisclosed location. To this day, no one is quite sure where they kept General Asquith, but I assume it was probably in an old fishing hut in Birkland. And so, with General Asquith out of commission, his American counterpart General W.R Monger was forced to declare martial law. Military reinforcements from across the globe were drafted into London in an attempt to hold back the reserve of zombie hybrid carrots that were being born left right and centre.
Time King then demanded that Cogsworth help him and James Sand out, but that's when Cogsworth decided to confirm James' suspicions about him by saying, "I am no master of time son, I am a sham! I am a con artist! I'm a cake maker! I'm an addict to wimp rat juice, and above all else I am a fucking liar!" Cogsworth proclaimed at the very tippy top of his lungs. I didn't even know that clocks could have lungs, but whatever I suppose in the world of funnypastas anything is possible but you didn't hear that from me okay pal? "Well if you're a fraud then who controls time then? I thought it was me." Time King inquired to which Cogsworth responded by slapping him very aggressively as he said, "look Time King when it comes to controlling time you're just a third rate street chump compared to the real master of time." "And that is?" James Sand asked who was trying his absolute best not to vomit at the disgusting carpet that Cogsworth had placed the foyer of his apartment. The bloody thing was filled to the brim with cheese crumbs. Not very cheese either mind you. Anyways, Cogsworth basically told Time King that the real master of time was a mysterious bank teller who resided up in Granit Pass. This old man was none other than Old Man Tyme himself. Told you we'd talk about him later didn't I my pork? According to Cogsworth, Old Man Tyme was the only person who could help King and Sand with taking down Strawhead and Bird. It's worth mentioning that Strawhead now believing himself to be far too above the law, decided to betray Swackhammer and had him taken captive by the zombie hybrid carrots. Time King and James Sand then proceeded to put on their running shoes, and left through the cat flap of Cogsworth's apartment catching a cab to Granit Pass. It's impossible to walk from London to Granit Pass! You must have a cab! Side note; the cab driver was incredibly miserable and he spent the entire ride over to Granit Pass hugging a raw turkey as he only working as a cab driver part-time. His main job was as a butcher. That's still no excuse to be such a miserable bastard Sir!
Arriving in Granit Pass, Time King and James Sand searched far and wide for Old Man Tyme, until they eventually learned from the local yokel that Old Tyme was hold up at an old abandoned bank up in Whistle Street. The bank was shaped like an actual pig, and it looked nasty. Walking through the front door, Time King went in alone and was ushered up to the front desk and was held at gunpoint by Old Man Tyme who asked, "why aren't you at home playing the Donkey Kong's?" "I'm sorry what?" Time King asked, but he received no answer. Now surprisingly, Old Man Tyme was more than willingly to help Time King restore the timeline, but there was just one problem he needed to get paid first. Upon learning that Time King had not a cent to his name, Old Man Tyme responded by pulling an incredibly scary face. So scary in fact that the mere mention of it is enough to send me to the morgue. Send me on my way! Leaving the bank, Time King lamented to James Sand his frustrations over Old Man Tyme wanting payment before helping to restore time line, and make January only one month of the year once again. "I mean I get where you're coming from, but what do you suppose we do now?" James Sand asked. However before Time King could give him an answer, James Sand cried, "poof!" Turning around, Time King came face to face with none other than Grits.
Grits is a rather controversial comedian from Lost Heaven who had garnered a rather infamous reputation down there for his famous comedy routine; "Sliver Surfer." The routine involved Grits painting people in sliver, and then begging people to pay him $500 in order to turn the unlucky victim's colour back to normal. It was all going well until Grits accidentally poisoned a State Senator by covering him in rat poison based paint. Why did the paint have rat poison in it? Well you see; back in 2007, there was a real problem in Lost Heaven when it came to rats eating paint. Lost Heaven this very special breed of rats which have been dubbed by the Lost Heaven Inquirer as being, "Paint Rats." They'll eat pure paint, and this results in them becoming very fat and lazy. Do not be deceived by appearances as those fat fucking rats are still highly aggressive, and will rip people apart with their claws. So to combat the rats, the Mayor of Lost Heaven opted to start adding rat poison to all of the cans of paint sold in the city. Now, you still could buy cans of paint without rat poison in it, but Grits had neglected to check the back of the container to see if rat poison was among the listed ingredients. Disgraced, Grits went on the run to Boston and spent a few years down there before heading to London where he worked in a traveling show. I know that it's not much, but it's honestly the best that Grits can do. He's not a very wise man that Grits as he still continued to paint people sliver because well why wouldn't he? If it ain't broke don't fix it ya know? "Perhaps I could be of some assistance?" Grits asked Time King who responded with, "maybe you could Grits maybe you could."
Grits was a very cold man as he forced Time King and James Sand to partake in an overly long time montage. This annoyed James Sand greatly as he was very chilly. This was due to the fact that because Strawhead and Beak had completely messed up the time line; the weather was always incredibly cold. In fact, it was snowing as Grits forced King and Sand to run up and down the stairs of a park in London. I shan't give you the name of said park out of fear of Grits possibly sending his legal team after me. He had a lot of connections that Grits! After completing the training montage, Grits proclaimed happily, "you two continue to amaze me!" He then went on to say that the training montage was essentially entirely pointless, as he only did that for shits and giggles. Oh Grits you sure do know how to push people's buttons. I mean there's just so many to choose from, how could you not honestly? So, Grits then proceeded to paint Time King sliver, and this resulted in the trio receiving £50,000 by an incredibly wealthy shrew who was still wearing braces despite being 42, but she did have connections to the Atlanta Corporation which meant that any jokes made at her expense were a death sentence. After receiving their payment, Grits attempted to take the money for himself, but he ended up running head first into a tree and he got stuck. With Grits stuck in the tree, Time King and James Sand took the money and stuffed into an old mouldy brown envelope which was so bloody sticky to stuck to James' hand. This was mainly due to the fact that the envelope was used and had been licked by Goofy.
Heading back to the bank, the pair were dismayed to learn that Old Man Tyme was actually an old friend of Grits and had sent the pair on their quest in order to prove themselves. Not really sure how earning £50,000 from an incredibly wealthy shrew was what Time King and James Sand needed in order to prove themselves, but whatever don't judge Old Tyme as he had a nose like a turnip and ears like a fucking rat. Old Man Tyme however turned out to be no better than Cogsworth as he too had no real control over time, this was mainly due to the fact that according to Old Man Tyme he had long since retired from running time. In fact, Old Man Tyme has been retired since 2007 the same year that Grits fled Lost Heaven after his controversial comedy act backfired. You see; it's all coming together! Old Man Tyme then proceeded to puff on a pipe as he said, "you know there's something you should know so I'm going to tell you so." He then continued with, "my ex protégé Tony otherwise known as Doctor Clock is now the undisputed master of time. However, Clock is a very lazy son of a gun ya know? So he requires middlemen like you and Cogsworth to do all the hard work for him." "Where can we find him?" James inquired. "He's hold up inside of The Great Grandfather Clock, and it is said whoever sits inside the Grandfather Clock is able to control time." Old Man Tyme then went on to also explain that Strawhead and Bird had paid Doctor Clock to protect them. After stealing the time staff from Time King, the pair realised they had made a factory error in the sense that they did not even know how to use the staff. They decided to take a brief walk around Trafalgar Square when they were approached by Doctor Clock's eager assistant Tock Tick. For some reason, Strawhead was very fascinated with Tock Tick and kept looking at his arms which caused Tock to yell, "hey my eyes are up here pal!" Tock Tick then went on to order Strawhead and Bird to come along with him. They went under Doctor Clock's protection over at the Grandfather Clock, and he was the one who was responsible for making January last forever, and for creating the zombie hybrid carrots. Strawhead wasn't the monster. Clock was!
At that moment, Gordon Bird arrived at the bank having been ordered by Strawhead to assassinate Time King and James Sand before they were able to put an end to their plans to keep January lasting forever. Now as I stated earlier, Bird was legally blind so he was unable to see King and Sand, and so he ended up making out with an old rusty mop which stank of leftover cabbage. James Sand wanted to kill Gordon Bird, but he was told to leave him be by Old Man Tyme, Now since Old Man Tyme was incredibly old and crusty, he would not be accompanying Sand and Time to the Grandfather Clock but he had put in the necessary arrangements which would allow for the pair to be able to transport there with no problems whatsoever. Old Man Tyme then got out from behind his desk, and began dancing a very weird dance. It was known as the rain dance, but Old Man Tyme was actually tempting fate by doing the dance as it is what got Globox in big trouble after his performance of said dance got him into big trouble with the LOL's. Old Man Tyme however did not care, and after completing the dance he said a bunch of random words which were so hard to translate that I shan't even bother explaining them to you dear reader. Somehow Old Man Tyme's weird rain dance resulted in Time King and James Sand getting transported to the Grandfather Clock. Now their adventure could really begin!
The Grandfather Clock was quite a sight to see. Basically, the Grandfather Clock was a huge tower where everything was dedicated to clocks and stuff. There were clocks everywhere, and some of them were even melting like the ones you'd see in those famous melting clock pictures by Salvador Dali. All we really wanted was clarity! Sorry about that, in any case, Time King and James Sand took a brief moment to marvel the sights of the Grandfather Clock. Not only were they surrounded by clocks, but in order to reach the upper levels of the Clock you were forced to climb on top of some old gears which looked very rusty, but they still worked a treat I assure you! After marvelling the sights of awhile, James Sand made his way over to a small cafeteria like area where he saw that there was also coocoo clocks all over the place. There was also this M&M coocoo clock which had Yellow dangling from a string while Red would come out from the doors in order to demand protection money as he had become loyal to the Mini's, and had essentially become a double agent. Oh Red you backstabbing son of a gun! Oh seasick! Okay so, James Sand and Time King began climbing up the gears of the tower until they eventually reached the very top of the tower. By the time, they reached the highest point of the tower, both men as you might expect had become incredibly tired. To add insult to injury, the pair then learned that there was an elevator you could use to reach the top floors of the tower, so essentially the pair had just wasted seven hours of their lives climbing to the top of the tower. Oh how incredibly interesting as a sarcastic Viking once said. Upon seeing Sand and Time enter his domain without an invitation, Doctor Clock gave a very slow clap as he then said with a rather smug inflection; "did you really think it would be that easy?" Doctor Clock then proceeded to shoot a lighting bolt out from his fingers towards James Sand and Time King which resulted in the pair crash landing in the middle of a seemingly abandoned field.
Oh and before we continue; you're probably now wondering why Doctor Clock wanted January to last forever, well it's mainly because January was the primary time of the year for selling thumbtacks. Yes, Dr Clock worked as a thumbtack salesman, and he was desperate to increase his sales which is why he took up an alliance with Strawhead and Gordon Beak. Yes; even though Dr Clock controlled all of time itself he was always a big supporter of thumbtacks. I mean who else but thumbtacks am I right?
Now, Time King and James Sand were however horrified when upon turning around they saw that they had been transported to the Magic House. The Magic House was a house which was magic. DUH! Anyways, the Magic House started singing towards the pair as oh yes it was indeed an anthropomorphic house. "You can fly if you try; have some pie in the sky. Come in and join us; we're so happy to see you in the Magic House!" The House sang as one of the residents of the house; Uncle Teapot appeared on the scene. Uncle Teapot was very moved when he heard Time King's story about January lasting forever, and so he opted to offer his assistance to the pair if and only if they were able to help him with smuggling strawberries behind the back of Uncle Teapot's arch nemesis HG Well. HG Well was a proper rude bugger who required protection money before allowing people to plant fruit. The only person in the Magic House exempt to this rule was of course Grandpa Clock as he was the only person in the entire world whom HG Well was afraid of. Grandpa Clock was HG Well's Don Corleone if you catch my drift. While attempting to sneak the strawberries past HG Well, the trio were held at gunpoint or rather hose point by Grandpa Clock who said in a rather threatening tone, "help water my damn garden." "Not today!" Uncle Teapot proclaimed as he proceeded to lift Grandpa Clock high up into the air, and he then proceeded to throw Grandpa Clock down HG Well. That is of course when HG Well woke up from his slumber.
HG Well was a very triggered little well as he began having an intense go at Uncle Teapot for smuggling strawberries. "Oh Uncle Teapot! What did I tell you about smuggling strawberries?" HG Well inquired with a rather nasty tone. Change your tone HG Well! Don't you know you could be due compensation? Not interested? HG Well continued his freak out for awhile, until he eventually managed to regain his composure upon learning about Time King's plan to restore the timeline. "There's something you should know." HG Well said as he began waving his magic wand around like a mad man or rather a mad well as he then went on to explain that the trio needed to kill Tock Tick before they could even think of confronting Doctor Clock. So, HG Well using his magic wand was able to transport the trio towards the Tetley Tea Factory. With the help of the zombie hybrid carrots; Tock Tick had taken control of the Tetley Tea Factory by jamming the tea valves in all the right places. With the tea valves jammed, Gaffer and Sydney were forced into submission and became tea makers for Tock Tick and his hench carrots.
Now, Gaffer and Sydney were not as fore coming as HG Well had been, and were very rude indeed. Gaffer was not a very stupid man as he was able to manipulate Time King and James Sand into helping him fix the tea valves. By using a spanner, James was able to fix the valves which had some Kellogg's Raison Bran stuffed inside of them. Two scoops! Uncle Teapot meanwhile was busy practising yoga with Sydney in the main lobby of the factory. Gaffer was watching them from a nearby sitting chair as he remarked, "yoga heh heh keeping your karma pure eh Syd?" Sydney laughed then, but in truth he found Gaffer's comment to be bang out of order, but he knew it would be unwise to challenge Gaffer as he was after all the face of the entire Tetley Tea brand. Tock Tick and his carrot brethren tried their best to stop Time King and James Sand from unclogging the tea valves, but the pair were able to defeat Tock Tick by quite simply telling him to fuck off. The sudden swear was just too much for Tock Tick to be handle. As a young clock living in the mountainous regions of Russia, Tock Tick had always been warned by his Great Grandmother Edgar that swearing is quite plainly the root of all things evil. Tock Tick was so shocked that he ended up walking backwards, and he tripped on a conveniently placed banana peel, and ended up falling into a huge vat of boiling hot Tetley Tea. The tea was so damn hot that Tock ended up melting to death in the process. It was quite a slow and painful death, and it is worth mentioning that Gaffer was smiling as it happened. Sydney meanwhile was busy chewing on a candy cigarette sorry i meant candy stick. It was just another day at the office for him ya know? Side note; candy sticks taste like ass in my humble bumble opinion.
With Doctor Clock's two most trusted confidants dead, the trio of Time King, James Sand, and Uncle Teapot with Gaffer's help were able to transport themselves back to the Grandfather Clock. Doctor Clock was very angry when he saw that the trio had managed to defeat Tock and Grandpa Clock. "Let's go on a journey!" Doctor Clock proclaimed as he began singing like an opera singer as he threw some more lighting bolts at Time King, but this time he was ready for them as he was able to move out of the way. "Don't be stupid friends!" Dr Clock yelled at the very top of his clock lungs as he attempted to charge at Time King. While Time King was busy messing around with Doctor Clock, Gaffer and Sydney (who agreed to come with the trio in a deleted scene), busied themselves by retrieving the time staff right from under Strawhead's nose. "No crust of bread for those in need!" Strawhead sang who was distracted by playing Shrek 2 on Xbox. After retrieving the time staff, Sydney asked, "so how do you suppose we use this thing Gaffer?" "Hmm I wonder what this button does." Gaffer wondered as he pressed a small red button located on the very top of the time staff. This caused the staff to shoot a huge bolt of lighting right at the wall next to Dr Clock. That's when a dark blue portal appeared, and without even thinking James Sand proceeded to give Dr Clock a right kick up the arse which of course resulted in him falling through the portal and into the unknown. According to Old Man Tyme in an interview with the Lost Heaven Inquirer, the portal led to a dimension full of puppets including a duck who loves digital style and a monster with spaghetti hair. Truly a place we all want to be. Hey don't pretend like we don't! With Dr Clock dealt with and after closing off the portal with some cellotaph, Gaffer turned to face James Sand as he asked, "so where to now lad?"
Before James King could Gaffer his answer, Swackhammer appeared in the doorway of the tower carrying a double barrel shotgun as he proclaimed, "that time staff belongs to me!" Strawhead tried his best to attempt justifying his betrayal, but Swackhammer was having none of it, and proceeded to try his damn best to kill Strawhead. However, Swackhammer as it turns out is not a very good shot as he ended up shooting at Gaffer's cup of tea causing it to break into a million tiny bite size pieces. "I don't think you should have done that!" Swackhammer was terrified when he saw Gaffer's face turn red like the forest. It was a long time rule in the Tetley Tea Company that you should never break the cup of a Tetley Tea Folk. Doing so will result in your immediate execution. Fearing for their safety, both Swackhammer and Strawhead decided to flee in a conveniently placed escape pod. Sadly. Swackhammer was very dumb as he trusted Strawhead with flying the damn thing, and Strawhead having never been a great driver with him forging his driver's license ended up crashing the pair in the middle of the Antarctic. "Idiot! You've landed us in the middle of nowhere!" Swackhammer yelled at the very top of his lungs as he began chasing Strawhead around the entire Antarctic. It was quite a sight to see. Well at least; Strawhead's two pet horses found it very funny as they were watching the pair from a nearby glacier mint as they sang, "don't ask them for a favour or their nastiness increases!" And so, Time King using the time staff was able to restore the timeline as the date finally changed from January 31st to February 1st. Time was finally moving forward, and that is just beautiful. Well that's what I think anyway.
Everything went back to normal after time started moving again. Gaffer and Sydney returned to the Tetley Tea Factory where they began working on a limited edition Tetley themed coocoo clock. It was exactly the same as the M&M coocoo clock only it had Gordon hanging from the bottom of the clock while Gaffer came out from the doors at the top. Uncle Teapot meanwhile returned home to the Magic House a very humble teapot. Well that was until he was got arrested by PC Pot for fly tipping outside the local Tesco. Time King was the one who benefited the most from this experience however, as with Dr Clock gone, Old Man Tyme retired, and Cogsworth outed as a sham; he became the undisputed ruler of time. He was however extremely careful, and he knew just how to keep time moving, and that melts my heart that does! James Sand also benefited greatly from the whole ordeal as he was able to find a job as Time King's official liaison with the High Council. POOF!
We love January so much; we want it to stay but what if we wished it was here everyday? Well can you even begin to imagine the grocery bills? Also, why are you even asking me this question reader; this story basically explained why having January everyday is bad for us, and why it should never ever happen. Oh, and before we close this thing off, I had better tell you that the carrot zombie hybrids all got jobs sweeping the floors at Area 69 as punishment by General W.R Monger and the recently rescued General Asquith. So readers; if you ever wish a month could last all year around please to endeavour to remember this story, because I guarantee it'll make you think twice.
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