The Bio-Jews

=What The Hell is a Bio-Jew??=
Well, A bio-jew, like most other jungle people are hairy apes from the nipples down. They wear torn up rags and never cut their hair. The Bio-Jews are slightly dumber than your average Jew, but have much cooler customs. The Bio-Jews have several main Gods and other high beings, The most known is the sexy Jewsus (View Gods of Bio-Jews for more information). A bio-jew take place in strange, unholy ceremonies that require a lot of patience and sperm most of the time. The Bio-Jews hold a lot of different meetings, such as Beer-Busts, Keggers, 8-Pack-Cracks, Bar Fights, and AA meetings. But the most cherished of all is the ALL-NIGHT PANTY RAID!
For those of you who saw the Movie Tarzan: King of the Urban Jungle (2009), you know what a bio-jew looks like. If you couldn't spot him it was the mad black guy who kept trying to assassinate President Doucheweed.
=Jewsus and other Gods=
There are many Gods that are worshipped by different Cults of Bio-Jews.
==Jewsus==
Cult Worshiped by: Everyone
The all powerful Jewsus. This man-beast-thing is all man! He can set 3 Christians on fire in the time it takes you to light a match to set the fire to the sticks that would burn 1! Jewsus holds most of the main ceremonies outside his hut in the amazon forest. 
Jewsus is traditionally seen wearing traditional Bio-Jew Attire, AKA a short-cut Miniskirt made of grass and orangutan sperm. Jewsus has a very specific way for his followers to repent their sins. He has them trek naked through the amazon Forest on the Thirteenth hour, of the Thirteenth Day, of the thirteenth month of the year, to his hut. Once there, they spray the satanic water all over the face of the sinner, then, the repention begins. Jewsus reaches his hand into the chest of the sinner, feels around, maybe gropes a lung or 2. When he finds your heart he punches you in the face and rips it out. He then proceeds to show you your still beating heart. If the heart is black enough he will eat it, then shove you into the river. You are then banished to hell where you will spend the rest of eternity going on panty raids with Satan and other sinners. In reality you want to sin. Sinning is fun. 
==Satan==
Cult Worshiped by: Everyone
Satan is perhaps the most cherished god in the Bio-Jewish religion. Satan is the head honcho of "heaven" for Bio-Jews, which is in fact hell. When Bio-Jews go to repent their sins Satan maneuvers jewsus' choice with his stanic powers, and dashing good looks. When you are sentenced to hell you first meet satan, then you enter the time of Choice. This choice is very critical to what you spend eternity doing. You can choose: All-Eternity Partying, or you can go on non stop Panty Raids.
During the second Coming of Jewsus, as fortold by the 3rd prophecy of Gorgontula, the Bio-Jewish God of Earth Satan had a homosexual Fantasy of him and Jewsus have anal sex, since then satan has never felt the same way about Jewsus. In 2121 Satan asked Jewsus on a date, where the went to a nearby Friendly's and proceeded to have 12 hours of non-stop anal sex, followed by Jewsus breaking up with satan. Although they still are friends and play poker every 3rd friday of every other month of the year.
==Homer Simpson==
Cult Worshiped By: Most of the Cults, except for the Golden Monkey Cult
Homer Simpson is Jewsus' Butler, but most of the time can be found sitting in the living room on the wooden couch in Jewsus' Thatched hut. Homer Simpson sits at Satan's side in hell in other forms of Bio-Judaism, Although unproven, It is said that Homer feeds Satan Popcorn Chicken during the down time between Panty Raids and parties.
Homer's Origins are unknown, but rumor has it that a young aspiring Bio-Jew, whom sticks to the traditional Catholic dressings (that bitch!) Matt Groening is said to have originally thought of Homer, although matt is roughly 40 and Homer is well over 12,000 years old.
==Jewbacca==
Cult Worshiped by: Guns for tots Cult
Jewbacca is a lesser known god of the Bio-Jews. But he clearly is, Can't you Tell? I mean he is hairy from the nipples down, right? Even more than just the nipples.
=Sins=
Below is a list of the most common sins for a Bio-Jew
* Masturbation - This fun and informational sport is Shunned upon in most religion *Cough*Christian*cough*
* Adultery - By all means cheat on your wife, have sex wile unmarried, etc.
* Repention - Yes, Even Repenting your sins is a sin.
Those are just a few of the many Sins in Bio-Judaism.
Category:Judaism