Speed Punks: The Lost Punk

When I was a kid in the late 90's, I was a HUGE PlayStation nerd. I was with it with Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, Final Fantasy, you name it! I wasn't a big fan of any of the platform's offerings concerning racing, though, like CTR or Disney Magical Race Tour.....until I played Speed Punks, that is.
For my 15th birthday in 2001, I was gifted the game by my granddad. At first, when I opened it up, I was a bit confused. He and I often liked to play PS1 games together whenever he came over to our place, and he knew what I liked and didn't like. He seemed to sense my bewilderment, though, and replied to it with, "I hand picked this one especially for you. I know it may not seem like much, but this one'll stick to ya. Trust me." I nodded and took his word. After the party that night, I popped in the disc in. I was blown away by how vibrant this game was, and how much personality was in it! A rebellious, kleptomaniac teen in goggles, a not-so-dynamic duo of bullies who beat up each other constantly (even in the podium animations!), a crazed Japanese exchange student with killer headgear--the list went on!
One evening, after a long day of work, I showered and got ready for some four-wheel speed action. The FunCom logo was hilarious as always, with Buster and Wedgie (the bullies I mentioned earlier) riding their kart around before Buster bumped into the FunCom logo and dropped Wedgie. Wedgie shook his head, and got up on his feet. He looked around for a bit, before running to catch up with his cohort. Just before he ran off screen, the screen glitched and froze red. Wedgie's foot also was displaced two inches farther than it should have been from his body (keep in mind all of the characters from SP are limbless a la Rayman).
I was already a bit concerned. This was my favorite PS1 game, and seeing it mess up like this worried me, for I did not want to have to shell out money from my already dwindling funds. I got up and checked the disc. It wasn't dirty, nor did it have many scratches, and the scratches that were on there never caused any problems in the past. I put it back in and restarted the console. This time, everything went well, the same logo played out as usual with no interference as did the intro, with a twist, though.
Instead of showing Monica, resident boy-hater of the Speed Punks gang, driving out of the School for Young Ladies, it showed Buster and Wedgie in their garage. I could feel a small tingle of giddyness within me as Buster grabbed a cigarette from out of his pants and lit a lighter. Wedgie watched in anticipation as Buster moved the lighter and cigarette behind his bum and let out a loud and obnoxious fart. Wedgie giggled as Buster took a puff on his flatulence-ignited smoke and shoved Wedgie to the side. I was grinning ear to ear--while definitely crude, this was totally in character for the pair, and something I had never seen before--had I fulfilled a certain unknown requirement to trigger this?
After this, it cut to Monty and his dog Cosworth going out for a drive, and Cosworth was trying to get a hold of the steering wheel. Monty grunted and swatted away at his grubby paws, arousing a loud series of barks from Cosworth, right before he was pushed back and the control shifted to the canine. Cosworth swerved around corners and almost hit a mailbox before closing in on a brick wall. Monty screamed before the scene changed again.
Tempest was, presumably, in his house, with another character. He was smaller, had orange-ish hair in a neat comb-over. Tempest was sawing at something unseen to us, while the other character (his brother, perhaps?) quivered in fear. Tempest ceased his sawing and carried with him a dead rat and a wooden stake. Also giving him a hammer, he directed the orange-haired kid to beat the stake into the rat's heart. Orange-hair understandably refused, angering the psychotic rebel. Tempest ran and claimed his saw and closed in on the youngster, who was shaking and had even pissed himself, before the intro...ended, fading to black.
I was thoroughly enjoying this. Demented as it was, it was nevertheless accurate to the tone of the game--off the walls and peppered with bits of suggestive humor. A loading screen showed up, and when it finished I was brought to the main menu. I selected Tournament and scrolled around the character select screen to see if anything had changed--I wanted to see if that orange-haired fellow would show up.
As I shifted around the characters, I saw subtle differences in six of them :
* Tabitha was gnawing at her stuffed bear, and trying to pry out one of its springs with a fork, before going back to gnawing. If you picked her, she got up and glared at you while aiming her fork at you. Should you confirm her, she threw the fork up in air and it stuck in the ceiling. If you didn't...she plunged her fork into the wall and dragged it down, shredding the wood.
* Buster and Wedgie were fighting, but instead of Buster rattling Wedgie before Wedgie headbutt him, Buster was now holding Wedgie beneath him and strangling him, until Wedgie pulled his ear. Confirming them lead Wedgie to flip from Buster's grasp and share a high five with the big boy. Dejecting them caused Buster to fist Wedgie's eye.
* Tetsuo was practicing with a katana on a tree holding a small platform, which he was on. When he wasn't confirmed for play he angrily slid back with his zipline and stabbed the tree, before regaining his composure and continuing with his training.
* Cosworth was chained to the wall with a standard doggy chain, growling. When selected, he snarled at the camera. When confirmed, he howled a long howl, and when declined, he barked madly before Monty threw a book at him.
* Beemer was at his charging station, except he often sparked and twitched, not to mention his optical visor was cracked. When selected he groggily powered on and with a weak posture leaning to his right looked at the camera. When confirmed he weakly pumped his fist, and when rejected he violently shuddered and sparked, making beeping noises as he did.
* Tempest was the most normal out of the six. He preformed all his animations right...but there was a box beside him, and it had something in it. That something was large, almost his size, and wrapped in, what, toilet paper or some other wrap, maybe?
That last one was what kinda got me uneasy. Nevertheless, Tempest was the one I chose, for I knew that perhaps, if the game changed even more, he'd produce great results. "Alright, GOOD!" he said, playing his guitar like a saw. I opted to make my own league using the 'Custom League' feature, and began the tournament.
Shipwreck Shore
The first race was chosen to be the iconic (for Speed Punks, anyway) Shipwreck Shores. I hit a Perefect Start and boosted ahead of the gang. When I hit my first item box, I was given some slime, used for slipping up racers. I dropped some behind me, but when it landed, a PPLOP sounded, along with a brown puddle with yellow spots. I couldn't help but chuckle--slime was now poo. I was so busy snickering to myself that i accidentally drove off into the water, and was facing the wrong way.
"Aggh, f**k!" Tempest grunted as he banged his forhead upon his steering wheel. I was now bursting out laughing, and I wasn't aware that Tempest was driving himself down the water stream and into a small hole. My humor ceased when a sound effect similar to the one that ensued when you accessed Future Fun Land via a golden pad.
Tempest was now in hell. He looked around him, walking up a cross with the orange-haired kid nailed to it. "Borther...f**K you." The kid cired, and his tears splashed to the ground. "No, no, no! Mama told you not to do this, Mama said no!!"
"Like I GIVE a damn!" Tempest roared back at his sibling. "You were nothing but annoying, and you still are. It amazes me..." he said, beginning to trail into deep thought.
"No, no! Why didn't you listen to Mama?! " Tempest's brother sobbed uncontrollably.
"Mama ain't here right now...now...now you've got ME."
Tempest pulled out his hacksaw and jumped the cross, his brother yelling loudly before my PS1 sparked and caught aflame. I jumped and ran to my basement to grab my extinguisher. Grabbing it ran even faster back to my room and put out the admittedly small fire. I wiped my sweat-laden brow when I managed to kill off off the flames.
I was understandably upset by what had happened. My PlayStation was now a melted, steaming, ruined piece of junk. I...I had to go outside for a bit to think over this. I made myself a drink and stepped outside to my backyard patio. Gazing up at the shimmering stars, the thoughts of Tempest's brother and his place in the SP universe swirled and slashed in my head.
A trip to bed was in order. I slept off all the negative feelings, and prepared for another day at the local Exxon station. My chum Robhert was with me, cooking some admittedly cheap-but-still-tasty beef-and-bean burritos. "Hey, Rob." "Yeah, man?" "I had a bit of an experience last night." He turned away from his station and focused on me. "Tell me, I'm all eras."
I stammered before I said, "Welp, I played Speed Punks and Tempest went to hell."
He stared awkwardly. "G-go on..."
"Yeah, and that made my PS1 catch on fire."
"...d-damn dude." he rushed into the back and came out with fresh copy of Speed Punks and a cross. "Do whatever ya did to get Tempest into hell, and chant out a bible verse when he does, got it?" he shoved me out of the store and locked the door.
I drove home, probably risking my job to perhaps stop occult forces from taking over my house. I threw away my old PS1, rummaged through my attic and reclaimed my PS2, put the new SP in, and started it up. I held my cross tight--what if this didn't work??
Tempesto appeared on screen and danced the jitterbug. I dismissed him and raced my way to my custom league and selected Tempest. I drove through the pickup box and laid down some mucu-poo, and landed Tempest in the water. He, as I had hoped, drove slowly to the entrance to hell. I rose my cross and chanted my favorite bible verse, "Thou shall not kill!" and watched as several angels descended from the fiery sky.
"Come with us, Tempest." they said as they dragged him upwards, causing a beam of light to rain down upon the delinquent. "What?! Auuughhhhhh! STOOOOOP!!!" he fumed as he began to disappear from the holy rays of the lord.
"Doth shall not deliquentize." said a booming voice.
I was relieved. Tempest's bro would be saved from Satan's grasp! The angels freed him and he hugged the lord as he came down from his land. "T-t-thank you...God." God chuckled and said, "You're welcome, little one. Now you can return to your mother back on Earth. He directed the young one to a pad with the star of David on it, and the kid complied. He ran to it and as he began to fade and transport back to earth, he waved and said his goodbyes. "Goodbye, God!"
"Goodbye, Edward. I wish to see you again soon." he replied, waving warmly.
I was in tears of joy. This was too beautiful to witness...Edward, victim of rallying Tempest's plots, was free from persecution by the red-haired menace."
"EDWARD UNLOCKED!" the game boomed with grandeur, and faded back to the treehouse. I scrolled to Edwards, who was in Tempest's place, fixing up the rope ladder with a chipper smile on his face. I chose him and gandered at his stats: four points in speed, and two in weight and acceleration. Dandy! I confirmed his selection and decided to take a run through Sun Valley Drive, a calm and relaxing course. Yes, it was going to be brilliant from here on out!
Just then Tempest burst through my door asking if I wanted Domino's Pizza. The End.
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