Word crawl/Homestuck Crawl

THIS CRAWL INCLUDES SPOILERS THROUGH ACT 5
 Note: This challenge doesn’t include ‘redoes’. If you fail a challenge, you can retry it an unlimited number of times.
It’s also pretty long: if doing the whole thing is too much, try doing just one act.
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ACT I
A writer stands in their bedroom.
Enter Name: It just so happens that today is your BIRTHDAY. Though it was thirteen years ago you were given life, it is only today that you will be given a—what’s that? Okay, so maybe you aren’t thirteen. Let’s get this party started by writing ten words for each year of your life.
Retrieve Arms: Your FAKE ARMS are, naturally, sequestered away in some obscure hiding place. Sprint 100 words to quickly finish reenacting this tired old joke and get on with the action.
Experiment with Sylladex: Having retrieved your FAKE ARMS, you accidentally CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. Ugh, you hate this thing. Roll a die and multiply your roll by 3: write for that number of minutes. After futzing around with your terrible fetch modus for a ridiculously long time, you’ve managed to launch most of the contents of your SYLLADEX out the window. All you have left is, predictably, your FAKE ARMS.
Put the Bunny Back in the Box: What bunny? Who do you look like, JOHN EGBERT? You’re not some bucktoothed dork who likes Nic Cage. Or are you? Write 50 words for each Nic Cage movie you’ve seen, plus 100 more if one of them was ‘Con Air’. 
Go Find the Sburb Beta: You almost forgot! Today, the beta release for the new SBURB game is due to be delivered. It didn’t get a good review in GameBro magazine, but your friend has been on your case to play it with them. It looks like the mail is here- but to get to the beta, you’ll risk an encounter with your guardian. Roll a die. If you roll a 6, you navigate through the house in just 50 words without being caught. Skip to [S] Install. If you roll a 1-5, you run into your guardian! Proceed to [S] Strife!
[S] Strife! Your guardian caught you sneaking through the house, and whatever ridiculous disguise you may or may not have on is completely useless. Pick ONE of the following options:
Aggrieve: Attack with whatever paltry device you have on hand. If you can write 250 words in five minutes, your attack succeeds and you emerge victorious. If you can’t, slink away and write another 200 words in defeat.
Abjure: Write 400 words as you deliver staggering amounts of verbal abuse (vitriolic, passive-aggressive, or otherwise). After this impressive tirade, victory is surely yours. Your fires are surely quite sick. Too many irons? Possibly.
Abstain: You decide to wait out the encounter. Write for fifteen minutes until your guardian finally lets you go.
Abscond: Write 50 words, then roll a die. If you roll a six, you succeed in escaping the strife. If you roll a 1-5, write another 50 words and try again. Continue this pattern until you manage to escape the battle. Nice Abscond!
[S] Install. You insert the disc into your computer and wait for the game to install. Play Homestuck OST “Sburban Jungle” on Youtube and sprint as many words as you can until it’s over.
Deploy Items: Wait for your server player to deploy all the free items. Looks like you’ll need a CRUXTRUDER, a TOTEM LATHE and an ALCHEMITER to start off with. Fortunately, this doesn’t cost you any BUILD GRIST, but it’s definitely hazardous. Write 200 words in under ten minutes to dodge various bathroom appliances being experimented with by your server player.
Release Kernelsprite: You drop something suitably heavy on the CRUXTRUDER and the kernelsprite pops out. Your server player reminds you to ‘prototype it’, but you have no idea what that means. Write with your eyes closed for five minutes and pick an object at random to throw at the Kernelsprite and hope something happens.
Worry About Timer: What’s this funny countdown on the CRUXTRUDER? You have a bad feeling about it. Not bad enough to keep you from wasting time on utterly inconsequential tasks, though. Write 150 words at a leisurely pace as you look at some interesting meteors in the sky.
Escape With Your Life: Okay, so you’re really starting to think it might be a good idea to do something before that timer reaches zero. Write 500 words in fifteen minutes as you scramble around your house. Your sprite is utterly useless, your server player’s internet keeps going out, and you think those meteors are getting closer. In one final burst of speed, sprint for three minutes!
You alchemize the totem from the PRE-PUNCHED CARD moments before meteor impact. A strange item appears and you use it just in time. You have escaped death… for now.
You have entered The Medium.
ACT II
Lose Track of Sprite: While you argue with the voices in your head (wait, what?) for ten minutes of leisurely writing, your sprite gets away from you and has an unfortunate encounter with the remains of some dead family member. The sprite is TIER-TWO prototyped and begins to spout ENIGMATIC EXPOSITION. Write for another five minutes as you struggle to follow along.
Buff Up Inventory: You spend a lot of dubiously productive time playing with the ALCHEMITER to make various bizarre weapons, fashion-conscious formal wear, and portable computing devices. Roll a die and multiply that number by 50, then write the resulting number of words.
Get Trolled: Ugh, some jerk is messing with you on your Pesterchum account again! How are they even contacting you now you’re in some kind of weird game dimension? Well, trolls are probably a universal constant. (And of course by ‘trolls’ you mean ‘obnoxious humans on the internet’. Definitely not ‘gray-skinned space aliens.’ That would be stupid, and also very silly.) Anyway, engage in frustrating dialogue for 413 words before giving up and blocking them.
Engage in Combat: You’re beginning to see some monsters around in really strange getups. They don’t look friendly, either. Roll a die, and sprint for twice that number of minutes to defeat the imps.
Level Up: You have ascended the ECHELADDER to the impressive rank of BLOTTED SCRIBBLER. Revel in the rewards of your victory! Take a short break from writing to go do something enjoyable.
Server Player: Build: While your friend chases down imps and rakes in boondollars, you set about building up to the first portal. Sprint 80 words, then 90 words, then 100.
Climb: You climb to the top of your house, fighting off imps and larger monsters as you go. Do a ten-minute Word War (with yourself or someone else) as you break through their legions and make it through the portal.
You emerge on the other side in unfamiliar surroundings. You have reached your Player planet, the Land of… what was it again?
Act III
Interact with Natives: Write 300 words in ten minutes as you try to make a good impression on the locals. If you succeed, take a short break and put on Homestuck OST Lifdoff. If you fail, write another 100 words and get out of there before things get ugly.
Be Trolled Again: Are those trolls still around? And what’s this nonsense about trolling you backwards in time? Will they ever get less frustrating? It seems unlikely. Well, at least this time you exchange some shitty art and talk about bad movies… Chat for 341 words and begin to succumb to this human disease called friendship.
Avoid Timeline Shenanigans: Some troll is trying to persuade you to take a shortcut, and it sounds like a plan. The only problem is, your ironic-cool shades bro is saying something about being from the doomed future? Man, he is such a joker. Choose ONE:
-PCHOOOOO! You blast off anyway, go through the portal, and die shortly thereafter. But at least it was pretty fun? Write 800 words as a paradox ghost, while your bro goes to fix the timeline you screwed up. Then start over from the beginning of Act 3.
Listen to your friend: You reluctantly decide not to go through the gate, even though it seems like fun. Do some fun loops with your jetpack for 100 words.
Draw Shipping Charts: Pick an OTP. Is that ship…
Flushed (<3): Write the last three digits of your word count!
Pale (<>): Write a relaxing scene for fifteen minutes.
Calignous (<3<): Write a fifteen-minute word war!
Ashen (c3<): You win originality points! Skip ahead to the next challenge.
 
Nap: Are you a…
Derse Dreamer: Go back and revise a scene you’ve already written
Prospit Dreamer: Brainstorm ideas until you come up with something interesting for your next scene.
Enter Planetary Portal: Check in with a co-player on their planet. Pick a challenge on the Word Wars, Prompts, & Sprints forum to complete. (Can’t decide? Try the 3% Sprint or the Three Digit Challenge.
Mourn: On your journey, you make a horrifying discovery: your guardian, missing until now, has been slain in battle. Write a sad scene as you mourn their death.
Pester Trolls: It’s nice to hear from your friends, even if- given their convoluted reverse-timeline tactics- they’re starting to have not yet become friends with you yet. Or, alternatively, they’re trying to awkwardly hit on you in that weird space alien way. Write 143 words exchanging overly complicated passwords to keep the timeline straight.
Face Denizen: It’s time to face your foe. Which definitely means killing the big monster. There are no other options, at all, ever. Take part in a 30 minute Word War.
From here on out, you're in the ENDGAME.
Act IV
Hussie: Self Insert: Indulge Hussie’s tangential plotlines while he engages in what are undeniably the most shameless kind of shenanigans. Sprint to the nearest hundred on your word count.
Create some PARADOX CLONES: So maybe this is a tad canonically belated, but you ought to get around to it at some point. You fiddle with some knobs and buttons. Lo and behold: somewhere in your timeline, babies fall from the sky. Roll a die and multiply by 2 for the number of paradox clones, then write 75 words for each one.
Herd Frogs: Take THIS QUIZ.
If your aspect is SPACE or your class is KNIGHT according to the quiz, spend half an hour writing as you and your partner chase frogs around in your quest to breed the ultimate Genesis Frog. Please do your best to get it right- you’d hate to give some poor universe an incurable disease.
If your class is SEER, spend some time looking into the future. Plan a scene you don’t want to write. (If you're a SEER OF SPACE, double up!)
If you’re none of the above, write a quick 150 words and move on.
 
[S] Ascend: Face your fate. Attempt a Fifty-Headed Hydra:
FAIL: You are slain on your QUEST BED and rise up as a GOD TIER. Write the rest of your five hundred words in however long it takes- you are now immune to any death except a JUST or HEROIC one. Proceed to Intermission.
SUCCEED: You force your co-player to kill you on your QUEST BED and rise up as a GOD TIER. Time for your foes to quiver in fear! Skip to Black King: Finality.
 
Intermission: Pick your poison. Choose THREE of the following.
Read SBAHJ: Write a completely ridiculous plot twist into your next scene.
Chat with your patron troll: Pick your favorite troll. Write for ten minutes with…
-Karkat, Eridan, Sollux: pen and paper
-Gamzee, Vriska, Aradia: no dialogue
-Tavros, Nepeta, Feferi: your favorite soundtrack
-Kanaya, Terezi, Equius: your eyes closed
-Play troll matchmaker: Write a scene with some romance, hinted or explicit! (Remember, this can be romance for ANY of the four quadrants.)
Digress: Write about a character who doesn’t get a lot of attention in your story.
Time Travel: change something about a scene you’ve already written.
 
Black King: Finality: Time for your ULTIMATE BATTLE! Put on some epic music and dive right into an Hour-Long Word War!
When you and your friends finally emerge from battle, battered but alive, you get ready to enter into the new universe you’ve created.
Now, you just hope nothing unpleasant will emerge from another dimension to ruin your victory...
But what are the odds of that?