Someone is hiding in my house

Bruh someone is hiding in my house its not far from here either, like literally down the street, on the other side of the gutter, past the tree and the driveway. Take my cup of water for example, i came out of the basement stretching and yawning and scratching my ear, wiping that earwax on the door knob so its not on the floor. And my cup of water was gone- i mean i had sat it there at 2 am when everyone was snoozing, and im always the first one up because i have to leave through the front door. I looked and looked and it was in the dishwasher...whut?
I looked around to see if anything else of mine had moved, i checked the oven for my pizza i made the night before (i like my crust chewy and my pizza soggy) and someone had put it in the trash. I really did not understand. Now i do, but ill get to that later. You will be suprise about who it was moving everything around. So anyways, i went back to my house and had to get another pizza. This time i got one with plenty of toppings, maybe so that the thrower awayer would see the value in it, and not waste food this time. I got them a cheese pizza, so that maybe that would eat that, INSTEAD OF THROWING AWAY MY PIZZA!!! But i could not look too long in my freezer, because they cut my power off. I told the utility company, multiple times, "hello i cannot pay this for the past couple of months. If you want me to pay then you have to drop my debt from september, october, and november, then i will pay. Otherwise this is theft and you are squatting on my property with your letters and vacuum of electricity!! I did not say you could have no electricity in my house! I will personally represent myself in a lawsuit– do not think you can over estimate me!"
I went back to my other house at 2 am when the lights were off. I brushed my teeth with my toothbrush, and guess what, it was already wet. Someone had either been watching how i wash the faucet or used my toothbrush. Either way, i was considering moving out, because this was too weird. I went to the kitchen and filled my cup of water, and this time i had an idea. I left the fridge open and the oven preheating all night to the highest setting, if someone shut it off then i knew they werent listening to me. Because i also wrote a note. It said "to whoever is in my house, please stop moving my cup of water. I'll know if you mve my cup of water because the stove and refrigerator are left open, im trying to create a small vortex to get some air moving through this stuffy ass house. Thank you, son"
And i smoked a fat joint with the weed i didnt remeber hiding in the box named "tools" in the basement, and then i went to bed. Next morning, at the crack of dawn before the houses alarm clock went off upstairs, and there were always noises after it went off upstairs, i climbed up the stairs and to the kitchen. My oven was open but it didnt work anymore and the refrigerator was open too, i chuckled, hahaha. And sure enough, there was a small tornado. I quickly shut that nonsense down because why would i want that in my house? My stomach grumbled and i realized i forgot to bake the pizza! Oh no, it would take forever now. And i still had to get to my job at the salvation army were they let me take whatever i wanted home each day. In fact that is a little weird in and of itself, they tell me, "put all this stuff on your shelves", and i say ok..., and i unload whatever from the truck into my car, and go home and put it away at the end of the day.
Anyways i started to preheat the oven. It was getting kind of smokey in there from the newspaper and olive oil, but it was almost ready for the pizza. "Bringg bringgg" the alarm went off upstairs!! I quickly put the pizza in and went to go through the closet. It was dark inside because there was not a light in it, so i opened the door and made a torch from the newspaper. Theeeen the closet well you could see fine, you see. But oh shit my shoe caught on fire, i ran out of there ready to tell the engineer that this house was not fire safe. And then my worst nightmare hit, my pizza was burning. Someone started running down the stairs. Oh no, I was too hungry, i grabbed the pizza and ran out the front door.
I had a long hard day at work. My back hurt from lifting all the stuff all day and my phone died at 10 am. I had more pizza though, and was determined to eat it. I walked past my house– and it was gone. It was a pile of smoking wood. My heart began to race, all of my weed was in there. A neighbor walked up to me- "its so sad isnt it." he said
"Isnt what"
"That poor, poor family. Their house burnt down."
"Oh i know" I said "but they didnt have much good stuff anyways."
He looked at me oddly for a second, he was the odd one.
"They said some guy had been living in their house. They said they saw him on the cameras after the fact, had the video automatically uploaded to their phones."
"is it on youtube" i asked
"Im not sure, son"
"where are they"
He pointed over towards a man and a woman, and two kids. They were crying so hard for some reason and the man was sifting the ashes between his pathetic little fingers wiping his beady little eyes.
"Whelp thats so tragic. Yu know anyone around here that sells a little bud?"
But he didn't and i went to my moms house with my pizza. It was soooo good.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.
Category:Inside Jokes
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep