The Pumpkin King

If even one of you reading this believes me, this will have been worth it. I have been hesitant to share my story for a long time, but the nightmares have been too frequent recently. Hopefully one of you can explain this. I've been searching for a reason, for some rationalization but have found nothing. Someone, please help me understand what had happened. This is my story.
Grim and beckoning, the house on the hill was notorious for the macabre murder house it was revealed to be in 1996. Beckham House, they called it. Allegedly, a family living there was murdered violently by a stranger looking for shelter for the night. The rumors always maintained that the ghosts of the Jacoby family dwelled the premises, looking for company.
One day I decided that ghosts were for chumps and I planned to investigate with my 23-year-old supermodel/actress/singer girlfriend, Sarah. We waited in the courtyard of Beckham House until nightfall to increase the suspense.
As usual, the moon was absent that night, leaving only the dim stars to illuminate the night sky. I reached for the doorknob but before I touched it, the door opened to reveal black emptiness.
"Well, that was strange," said Sarah. "Usually you have to push a door for it to open but these doors just opened all by themselves."
"Don't show your fear, Baby-mama; the Jacoby's are said to be able to eat fear."
"You're right Mike. Thanks!"
I let Sarah lead the way. Our flashlights revealed little at a time. A red couch. A dusty coffee table. A fireplace. It was lucky that there was still a stack of firewood in it, as we were very stupid to only bring flashlights to a house we intended to spend the night in. I lit the wood and just then, Sarah let out a scream not unlike that of a scared person. I jumped and turned to face what she was reacting to. I shivered and almost screamed myself. There in front of Sarah was another Sarah.
Sarah gathered herself and managed to say: "H-Hello. We didn't mean to disturb you. We merely wanted to prove to ourselves that ghosts are stupid."
The doppelganger uttered the same words as Sarah was speaking. I let out a laugh when I realized what was happening.
I put my hand on Sarah's shoulder. "So this is what was scaring people. It all makes sense now!"
"What do you mean?"
"Take a look at her." I walked forward and poked the doppelganger's nose. "This is actually a mirror."
She let out a relieved sigh and I held her in my arms. "Let's go tell the townsfolk. They'll be so glad to hear that-"
Before she could finish, the front door slammed shut. The fire blew out and we heard a wry chuckle. I pooped my pants.
Frantically digging my pockets for my flashlight, I felt the air around me chill. He was here.
I heard a click as a beam of light erupted from Sarah's flashlight. She looked at me and recoiled in terror.
"Behind you!"
I turned around to see the phantom of the Pumpkin King. He was 10 feet tall and was wielding a scythe. He drew closer. The ethereal glow from his eyes struck primal fear in my heart.
"I am the great Pumpkin Ki-"
Suddenly he doubled over in pain. He gripped his stomach and looked as if ready to vomit. Sarah had thrown a mean left hook.
"Not today, bitch! Pumpkin Kings are for chumps!"
She backed up for a running start and bolted towards him. When she was about 3 feet in front of him, I saw her leave the ground as she did a triple-axis front flip kick. Her heel met the Pumpkin King's neck and he screamed in agony.
I remember thinking that we might have actually won, but then Sarah fainted, having forgotten to stay hydrated before excessive physical exertion.
"You fools!"
The Pumpkin King got back up and raised his scythe over his head. He was prepared to impale Sarah but I had jumped in front of her in time to save her. The blade of the scythe dug into my left arm and disconnected it from my body. It hit the floor with a dull thud.
I expected to feel irritation in my shoulder, but shock kicked in fast. I bent over and picked up my arm. The King watched, laughing at the pathetic sight.
Left arm in my right, I glared at him. No more fear. No more pain. Only anger in my heart.
"Listen here, you Dumb-kin King! I gotta HAND it to you; you sure put up a fight. Now, I may be unARMed, but by god, am I dangerous."
I slapped him in his pumpkin face with my dismembered left arm. He turned to ashes and right then and there, I knew that the curse was lifted.
The Jacoby's appeared in front of me and said: "Thank you, hero. We are free. Ghosts truly are for chumps. Peace out."
They evaporated into light and for the first time in almost 20 years, the moon appeared. The townsfolk would return to humans once more. I put my left arm in my pocket and dragged Sarah home by her ankle.
We had won.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Beings
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep