They're coming to take me away

They're all following me... I know that no one believes me, but it's true. I'm not crazy. You're all crazy, you little faggots! And once they get here, you'll see why I've been masturbating alot lately. Then you'll be sorry. And I won't help you. You'll be all on your own as they strap you to chairs and try to assimilate you to the 3rd world (Mexico if your'e confused, retard). Oh, they're cute and fluffy now, sure, but it won't last. Just you wait. They're evil little creatures. 
http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/b/b3/Evil-eye.gif
==Finger nail clippings==
See? What did I tell you? It's all slowly coming into place... Then you'll see. Then you'll see! Then you'll see! Then you'll see! Then you'll see!
OH GOD he shouted from the mountain and the metrosexuals reigned down upon us. I know, you know it, we all know it and I'm not sure if i mentioned aswell I KNOW IT the metrosexuals will take you away now they have taken over miley cyrus' sister who is a boy so it's an brother 
Sometimes I think they know that I'm watching them... Them with their beady eyes. You know, eyes with lazers? They're smart, alright. They have to have figured it out by now... That's why it's important that I go into hiding. That way they'll never find me, because they don't understand the concept of hiding. They're too smart for that. And if I can get ahold of those toasters I ordered last week... Ha. Then we might survive a chance. You and I. I and you. A team. A team of two. Two of a team. One, really. Just made up of two. And they won't be able to get us if there's two of us, because they can't count. They'd never get us. Never. 
That's why you've got to listen to me and help me out here. Just do exactly as I tell you. Do you believe in rapture? I do. And that's what will save us here. What I know that the rest of the world doesn't know. That is, that cotton is really a deadly poison that's been slowly making its way into every part of our society... But once they spray that giant chemical canon everyone is going to be slowly choked to death by their cotton clothing. Everyone. It'll start melting and burning. Why do you think I wear polyester underpants? It's not for the comfort, let me tell you. It's for the protection. The ancient Egyptians invented polyester for this very purpose -- preventing them from killing us. The Egyptians have been hiding underground for the better part of the last thousand years, you know. They figured this thing out a long, long time ago. Time machines, you see.
==Bottled water==
Sometimes you've just gotta do what you've gotta do... And what I've gotta do is something. Something big. Don't worry, it'll all work out... I hope. If my plan goes through without a hitch everything should be fine... But if not, you should run for the trees. They can't climb trees. Too many fingers. If you stay up there for long enough they might all die out. The cats should help with that. Cats and trees... That's the answer. Cats and trees. Trust everything that's green or furry. If it's blue, run. If it's orange, punch it right between the eyes and start shouting very loudly. And if it's purple... it's too late. 
You can let it shine, too. Just shine out everywhere. City shadows are their protection, so using your shine will make them go away. Turquoise, especially. They can't stand the very sight of it. And always, always carry a pack of gum with you. Mint is a powerful aphrodisiac... It will come in handy. Sweet liberation has come. 
Then again, there's a chance that they'll know what you're planning and take your hand before you can reach the gum. And once they take your hand, there's no getting it back. They feed on hands. Hands energize them; give them energy. 
== Speakers ==
Now do you see why I have to do this? Just think of what would happen otherwise! The years go fast and the days go so slow for me... I can't even begin to think this whole thing through. Can we really pull it off, you and I? I and you? We're only two, or one, depending on how you look at it. They're lots... Lots and lots. They're smart, too. Smarter than you and I combined. I don't know... Why did you try and talk me into this? It's just... I'm sorry. I don't know. Please forgive me. 
Back to the story: they started showing up on Earth about twenty years ago and set up their base in Tucson just recently. They were hiding in the Arctic before that because they were saving up their cold energy. Now they've got enough to take us all down. All of us. Even the big guys. Convenient parking, eh? Eh? Yes. Well, sometimes. Anyway, they're about to start... Soon. I don't know how soon. My informant was recently killed by one of their guards. He wasn't paying attention and they took him from behind... Poor guy. He was... My twin. Yes, my own twin was killed in the process of saving... But he knew the risks. Just like you and I do. 
There's hope, though. Hope in the form of pocket knives -- humanity's last hope. They don't know about our Swiss army knives and the such, and we'll be able to take them by surprise. Even with all those extra cameras they won't be able to see it coming. They're smart but they're not that smart. Besides, why would they care? They don't care about things like that. They just don't. Why would they?
==February==
Okay, so I'll be honest: we've got almost no chance. None at all. They're just too fast. Way too fast. We have no way of keeping up with or even passing them. It's just not possible. So... throw your gear in the table. We'll sort it out later.
===March===
Update: I've found the key. It was hidden in the locker, just like he said it would be. This will be a great help.
===December===
Update: This may be my first and last chance. As the myth dictates I have guarded the chimney, surrounding it with pineapple chunks. But they came from the door. THE DOOR!!! I haven't much time. Tell the man in black I said "Hullo, the forests of Alaska sure have changed, but at least the armadillos are still around." He will know what it means. Now, for the great glory of our cause, my friend, to the ramparts! TO DESTINY! P.S. I think I left the light in my fridge on. Could you check on that for me?
==Rainbow==
 
Now if we could only find their hiding place... My sources tell me it's somewhere in the Sahara desert, but I really doubt that. There's no reason for it to be there. None at all. So I did some more research and have come up with the theory that they're actually hiding both nowhere and anywhere at the same time. It makes sense, if you think about it. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to know what they know. But they do, so it seems pretty obvious. You just have to know where to look. I'm working on it as we speak.
Then you'll have to come in all guns-a-blazin' and take out the smaller ones. They're deadlier than the bigger ones, and for some reason I've never been able to find them. They're just too inconspicuous. But you should be able to because you're closer above than I am. Sometimes that really, really helps. And don't worry; they wouldn't harm you. They couldn't. You're immune, you see. I've known it all along. Have you?
Weekends are also going to be an important part of this project, too. You see, without the weekends we never could have gotten this far in the first place. If it werent for the weekend the gum would be gone already. Oh, I haven't forgotten. 
 
Wood: you must remember it, as it is vital to what's about to take place. Without wood, there is, quite simply, no project whatsoever. It's more important than I am, actually. If for some reason I was to be unable to continue, you would have to put all your trust into the wood, or marble (assuming you can find some). It's never led me wrong before and I doubt it will anytime soon. I wouldn't know anything that I know now were it not for wood. It's very important.
There will be two kinds of good. Bad-good and good-good. Bad-good is like good only with a little bad that makes it not so good. Good-good is good but without the bad that would make it not so good. Sometimes there's not difference and sometimes they have more than one kind with them. It's confusing, so you'll just have to figure out what to look for. Don't worry, you'll pick it up eventually. Everyone does. I still do. 
Besides, it's not like you'll be in any immediate danger. I'll be there and they won't hurt either of us. Even if they did, I've always got the water bottle with me. That will stop them no matter what. Sleep, child, for tomorrow will be a big day.
==Trembalo==
I doubt very much that they know about me and I and you and I and you and you and me and you, but if they do, we have to let them know that we know. It's a very smart move, if you think about it. They won't be expecting it. Neither will we, of course. So it works both ways and visa-versa. They won't know what hit 'em. 
Then again, no one ever does... They never do, sadly. It's unfortunate, really. But sometimes unfortunate is good, and I think this is one of those times. Everyone told me that today's the day, and I believed them until I saw her. She was lying. Lying, lying, lying. Gniyl, gniyl, gniyl, I say.
If it does come down to that, though, you know what to do: take it, and take it fast. They won't have time to react because you're so good at it. Then I'll come in and we'll take them on together... Yes, together. Apart just wouldn't work, because we wouldn't have the minute abilities we do together. When we talk we're unbeatable. 
==Twenty dollars==
thumb|left|Sometimes
This is big... Very, very big. It's not small in any way, shape or forum, which is fantastic... Let's work in it together. That always makes things work out for the better because they've no idea who they're up against. They shouldn't, either... It's too surprising even for me. Who knows? It could happen.
HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK HIK
Belts. Plenty of them. Then we can put two and two together and make four. It's such a secret procedure that even I don't know how it works. It will help, though. We just have to trust him and hope that we can do it right. Sometimes I wonder if they'd really work... But they have to. That'sthemysteryofitall]
Watch the stars sometimes and you'll understand it all. The stars are the magnetsthat guide whoever you want to. Even they're afraid of the stars, because they're powerful, toying creatures... I've probably said to much. Let's not discuss this again. 
They're got the entire place bugged, you know. Every square inch. All of it, and some more that they haven't even discovered yet. They'll find it someday, though... Protect and love it while you still can. You always should. 
When I sleep they watch me, but it's only because of what I sayed to them. They didn't know what I was talking about and it was wrong. 
That's not what they needed to know, though. If it were they would have now. But they haven't so no. Indeed, sometimes it feels like cold air is just bursting upon us all the time, but that's not the case. It's just there for being there. Sometimes is it, and sometimes isn't it. That's just. How? Yelp...
==Ice cold==
There's nothing much else to say, except for a few things. First, yes, I already know. You don't have to say anything. Please stick with me. Then again, I could see it both ways. The question is: can you? Think about it and get back to me later. That's the main problem. 
...
.....
................
...
....
...
............
...
....................
...
...
........
Why? Why, I ask you? Why would they want this on you and I? I and you? Me and you? They want it on us, but I don't rightly know why. Nobody really does. It's all just a big thing that's ununderstandable.
I only said that once or twice. Why does everyone always hold it over my head?
==Yogurt==
Yogurt shall be our main weapon. It's perfect for this sort of thing: colorful, tasty, and tomorrow. Then we'll see. Who, you are probably scratching your head, asking? Both. Both is indeed our main weapon. Darkness and yogurt will be bad, but lightness and yogurt... Now that's just helpful. Helpful and grand. Once in a while. If only we could find where they're keeping it hidden... Then we'd have something to go on. Something helpful, that will make sense. But as it is, we have nothing. Noething
Get your cotton ready for the big show. It's going to kill, remember. As long as you don't know, they won't. Then again, they very well could... I'm not sure. It's pretty hard to be. I try, though. You should too.
Now and then I find myself wondering why we were given this task: this big one, if you will. This thing that's inside of us. It's bigger and more importanat than us. Don't you think so? I do. Let's work together, okay? AND YOU can play THE HARP, riGHT? THAT WILL be goodforlater
Well, there is a problem with what you're thinking. Don't know. That's this and then altogether and it seems to me that no one knows exactly what's happening. No one ever does. They do. We all do. Occasionally. 
Smiling will just confuse them. They won't get it, you see. Smiling to them is just profound, and profound is hard to get... They haven't yet figured it out. I very much doubt that they ever will. A long, long time ago, they tried to understand it, but they just couldn't. It didn't help that we were blocking them from it all, and they became frustrated. Have you ever seen it? They have, and they really knew it. But ultimately, it comes down to how long we can keep this up for. Can we go another week? Another rounds? Minues?? DSFJLKDKLJF??????
Tools. Toold. Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Bad then. Bad then tomorrow. Bad then tomorrow yesterday. Yesterday's today is just tomorrow after all. We never can tell.
Then our pets will come. They're smart, too. Very smart. And they know what's going on. Long before even we knew what was going on. Long before even then. They slip often, but not for long. And that's the key... The key that's been hidden by us all this time. Understand it now and it will help you later. If you're certain, that is. Are you? Quick. Thinking fast, I came up wioth sumthin. They think slower, ever though they are fast and smart and fast. Thinking is something different than they know. They know some things but not thinking. We're lucky that they don't. Otherwise we might have to. But we don't, so we're lucky. How fast can you get over here? We need it now. We always have. We always will. Then the time comes and we see. Construction is going on right now, so we should be alright. On ice. Articulate yourself to them and be sure to name any dogs you have. They will know anything. Asking is still big, though. Very big. It's a part of them. A part of us. You know. You know. Their thoughts are thinking us right now. Right before. They're smart. Very.
==Last chance==
I landed last night. There's not a lot to it. You'll lurn it eventually.
What's the big deal, anyway? 
HI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THERE
HI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THERE
HI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THEREHI THERE
LOVE ME NOW/LOVE ME LATER
THEN AND BEFORE ARE ALL THE SAME
==Lazy==
I don't mind. No, There's not reason to, then, if yo udo'nt, i shan't, and then, they, will, be, there, and , withthe thing, s, that you know are the same, onethatissawyesterday,,,,, wonderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrererererer, what, say, this, i, am, somehow, realized,what,i,gotta,do, I will remember this forever/you can't stop me/negate it/negateit/negateit/negateit!!!, blind wanderings of wonderings chocolate sand forever, if there ever was a time to thingks abbbbbott watch now it's, coming, quickly
==Dashes==
Throw. Right now. Just throw, before they can see what you're doing. Hurry. There's too much time for it to happen wuickly. If you still are, you will be. You always have been. How... Maybe...
==Slide==
Hold me now for there is nothing more to not be held for. There's the thing, see. Now that you are, there's nothing to be part for. Be full. Total. One. Then push it away. Pull it off. SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW DASH SLIDE QUICKLY NOW
thumb|NO! Now they ALL BELONG TO ME!!!!
Today wwe shall start again new. New ones are the best. Don't you wonder about? That's what I'm am. Didn't you know? I could have sword they were. Push them off. Now. I'm afraid that we don't. If we did, there wouldn't be this things that's heres wheres theres as nothers. Watch quickly now. Quicker. Quikerwik. If only. However, not much can be for one of three things: they haven't yet found it, I am not aren't, and there isn't one over here or there for one to march with. 
Plushies, mine, plushies, mine. Yes. Yes. If we can be who we choose to why choose at all? If we can be who we choose to why choose at all? The masterplan is there. The masterplan is there. Take me to a place where nobody knows. Take me to a place where nobody knows. What do you want to say? What do you want to say?I don't think that's what.I don't think that's what.
Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance.
==Time==
What's the story of this whole? Thing. That's the part that I don't understand. Why would he? He should, shouldn't he? Then why is? It's just bad in a way of thinking. If you're ready, that is. Can't try it if it weren't for that. Then again, we are never sure of what is who and why is black. Blue is blue as well but it isn't, because that just wouldn't make sense. You wouldn't sure. Understand of the thing that tells. Bite tha pops of the ancients. Why, why, why why? Generally there's a big difference, although that's not always it. Slowly push off the side and you'll soon see why they put it there. If, that is, you can manage. Going there can be hard. It should be, too. If it weren't we probably wouldn't be here. That's the thing of it all. I don't know.
Spoons are amazing creatures, aren't they? For something appearing so innocent they can really be tall and sinister. There's not much that they can't do, even. Elven. Always beware. Silverware is used by them as currency the time. 
At least not today. Being as it were that I say it was back then, I'm not entirely sure. Which is good to remember, because he had a serious case of arthritis. That's the sticky wiketitmitkit. Sitting all alone is thining. Thining is thinking. Thinking is being all of one and two. Who is? If we knew they wouldn't be here. How about some time with the kids to remember why we try to be. There's not a big thing about who and I. You said. WHOW WHAT><><><>...?// Heaven surrounds me
He wore a T-shirt today, I think. You can't tell. You never could. 
Why try to be fun in the last? Yellow can do that all on its own. and doesn't ned anyons help. Niche. Niches. Nicheses. Nicheseses. Nicheseseses. Nicheseseseses. Nicheseseseseses. Nicheseseseseseseses. Nichesesesesesesesesesesesesseesseessees. 
Follow me into the sea
Well, there's much to be thought about it. He seems to think that no one can see it, but we know. We are. Every single thing is positive. It's my time. My time to be. To think and see and be and think and be. Philosofizing helps to win the whole thing and send it off to a lett one. Then, you must say, how? That is the question. The answer is someting else entirely. There's certainly a difference, but it can be hard to see. That much is clear. The men are already there too fast for others to notice. Although they probably have figured it out by now. Yes. Yes indeed. 
Take me, reckoner
Dedicate this to everyone you see now and forward. It's the only way to spread the happy of what is the fills. Don't you see? I've been working on it forever. 
==Direction==
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS there
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS is
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS no
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS thing
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS that
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS should
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS be 
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS used
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS as
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS what
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS you 
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS want 
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS it
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS to 
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS be
I SHAN'T BE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE IF I CAN'T SEE THE LIKELENESS none.
==Watch==
Did you get your disconnection notice? You should have. At least I think so. How would we be certain? 
It's alright, though. We've got a long ways to go, no, but that's just it. It's not going to be problem. Problem won't be. Partial, anyway. Empty it all over there and you'll see. We should be one of them. They are one of them. What is the it? Kick them down again, once more to be certain of what it ares. Pasting times like these all together may give you an idea of how to go to them again. Once more: have no one by. If you don't do it, we'll be free. Totally free. Then they'll see who's the smarter one of the ares. 
Jump quickly, too, or we will fall and all will be for one. Haven't got any ideas for him yet, though, maybe if we just run fast, jump, run fast, maybe he'll not fined or cee us, he's smart and strong but fast and weak, how come we can't just get all alnog, eggnog, old,oldoldoldoldoldoldoldodlodldodldodldoldodlodldodldodldodldod, old old old old old old old oldodldlo!!!!!
Secrets lie
The answer is 42. Or 72. I don't know. AA!
I'll have to end this.
May your pimp daddy rape you.
IT'S QUIET
http://images.wikia.com/uncyclopedia/images/b/b3/Evil-eye.gif
==The people are coming==
They are coming. They are coming. They want me. Why do they want me? What did I do to them? All I wanted was to be left alone, away from the people. The people in the uniforms with the sharp, sharp pointy hurty things I hate them I hate them I'm scared of them. I'm so scared of the people. They aren't government, that much is clear. They don't have the spoons, or those nice suits and ties black slacks, or their special van with the burning lights and electroemitters inside it that make my head burn like a... a... a burny thing. The people are just coming. They seem to know where I am all the time, like they're hunting me. It must be the water. There's something in the water. THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE GODDAMNED WATER. Don't drink anything from the taps. Imported water. Has to be it. They will not find me if it's from Spain or France or, or, or from Gatorade. They can look there. They won't find me there. They'd find me here, but not there, which is good because I only go there when the sleepy pain starts and I wake up and want to be sick and then I am sick and I just start crying and what do you care? What do you care about any of this? You're a wall. A wall can't care, 'specially not since I've put the big nails in it to keep the people out. Don't like the shiny things. The shiny things keep me safe from the people. I have to be safe because they'll hurt me again, with the pointy pointy pointy pointy pointy pointy pointy pointy pointy oh god oh god oh god they heard me they found me im scared im scared im scared im scared im scared im scared i just shat myself im so scaredi i i die die kill them KILL THEM KILL THEM ALL WE HAVE HAVE HAVE TO WE HAVE TO TO EXPOSE THEM we have to expose them i have to expose them im scared of them im so scared im scared and angry and i have a gun and here they come...
==See also==
* Bat fuck insane
* Funny Farm
* Paranoia
* Andrew Wakefield
* Idiot
Category:stupid 
Category:conspiracies 
Category:absurd 
Category:Insanity
Category:Articles written in the first person