Buster Isn't Buying It/Transcript

The TV show ‘Factoid Front’ shows a beautiful lake.
Martin Spivak (on TV): Lake Shagamog, an hour's drive from Elwood City, home to herons, beavers and the weekend fisherman. 
A man in a small boat throws out his rod.
Martin Spivak (on TV): But is there something else lurking beneath the surface of these placid waters? Something ancient, cold-blooded and extremely dangerous?
Bubbles appear near the bobber. Buster watches in the living room while talking on the phone.
Buster: What do you think it is, Mr. Morris?
Mr. Morris watches in his living room in New Mexico. Both he and Buster have a bowl of popcorn on their lap.
Mr. Morris: Beats me, and I'm not sure I want to find out.
Martin Spivak (on TV): Could this peaceful lake be the home of... The Mega Toad?
The fishing rod is pulled out of the angler’s hand and a toad-like monster jumps out of the lake.
Buster: Aaah!!
Mr. Morris: Sweet Jehoshaphat!
Martin Spivak, the show host, walks through a laboratory past people in lab coats.
Martin Spivak (on TV): Tonight, our team of scientifically-inclined specialists investigate a giant carnivorous amphibian that may live among us. The Mega Toad, myth or the frightening, undeniable truth?      
The mega toad appears in a city street and roars at the camera.     
Martin Spivak (on TV): I'm Martin Spivack and this is ‘The Factoid Front’.
Buster has slid off the couch in excitement.
Mr. Morris: What do you think, myth or truth?
Buster: Oh, truth, definitely truth. It's on TV.
~~~
Title Card: Buster gets his alien stuff back from George
~~~
Brain switches the sign in the ice-cream shop door to “closed”. Arthur is doing his homework while Buster walks around.
Buster: It's as tall as a double-decker bus, and it can climb straight up buildings with its sticky feet.
Arthur: Buster, there's no such thing as a mega toad.
Buster: Yes, there is, I saw it last night on ‘The Factoid Front’.
Brain: Ha! That Martin Spivack isn't even a real doctor.
Buster: He is too! He's a doctor of... forensic speculography.    
He shows Brain a note.
Arthur: What's that?
Buster: I'm not sure, but I wrote it down because I wanna study it when I grow up.
Brain: Buster, it's a terrible show. It's filled with half-truths and bad science.
Buster: You take that back! ‘The Factoid Front’ is where I get all my best information.
Brain: Then I hate to say it, but you're even more gullible than I thought.
Buster: (gasps) Oh, yeah?    
He walks to the door.     
Buster: We'll see who has the last laugh when mega toads are hopping down Main Street.    
He slams the door behind him.
~~~
In the Baxters’ kitchen, Buster sees an article in the paper his mom is holding.
Buster: ‘The Factoid Front’ is cancelled? But why?
Mrs. Baxter: According to the article, it was filled with half-truths and bad science.
Buster: But... I believed it.
Mrs. Baxter: Well, you weren't the only one, honey. A lot of people did.    
She puts desert on the table.
Buster: I'm not hungry.      
He leaves the table. His mom looks shocked.
~~~
 
That night, Buster calls Arthur. Both boys are lying in their beds.
Buster: You were right, mega toads don't exist.
Arthur: Oh, well, that's a good thing, right?
Buster: I guess. Do you think I'm gullible, like Brain said. That I'll believe anything?     
Arthur fiddles his glasses.
Arthur: No... You just have a really big imagination. Like, if I saw some flashing lights in the sky right now...
Buster: Where? How fast is it going? Is it saucer-shaped?         
He runs to the window.
Arthur: I said "if"! I'm not even looking out the window.
Buster: Oh. I see your point. I think you answered my question. Thanks, Arthur.
Arthur: It's not a bad thing, it's just...       
Buster hangs up and gets into bed. 
The next day, Buster puts a box labelled “free stuff” in his room. He puts in models of a U.F.O., bigfoot and an alien, a book on U.F.O.s, a spaceship poster and an alien calendar.
Buster: (sighs)         
He takes off his tinfoil hat and also puts it in the box.
~~~
Buster puts the box down on the sidewalk in front of the condominium, just as George is passing by.
George: You're throwing all this away? Why?
Buster: Because it belonged to old Buster. That laughing stock who would believe any old thing. 
He waves a rolled-up poster at the sky.     
Buster: Well, new Buster isn't buying it, you hear?       Help yourself.    
He goes back inside. George takes away the whole box.
~~~
Buster walks to school eating an apple. Arthur runs after him with a newspaper.
Arthur: Hey, Buster, did you hear? ‘The Factoid Front’ was...
Buster: I know, cancelled. New Buster says, good riddance.
Arthur: New Buster?
Buster: Yep, it's the brand-new me. From now on, I'm only believing things that can be scientifically proven.
Arthur: What about your horoscope? You love hearing your horoscope.
Buster: Astrology? (Scoffs) Hogwash! Poppycock!
Arthur: I don't know, let's see... Aquarius.
Buster: No way, that can't be true! What does it say? Am I coming into money?
Arthur: Read it for yourself, “new” Buster.      
He holds out the paper.
Buster: Oh… Must be strong.     
He throws the paper in a trashcan, along with the apple core.
Buster: See? I have changed.      
He walks away with Arthur, but sneaks back to have a look at the paper.
Buster: “Take advice from an old friend.”
Arthur: Ahem!
Buster: Hêhê. Wasn't quite finished with this.    
He puts the apple core in his pocket.
~~~
That evening, the Grebelings are playing Mighty Mountain. Buster is up to bat.
Francine: Good luck!
Buster: Luck? New Buster doesn't believe in luck.    
He looks at Francine and ignores the game.
Umpire: Strike one.
Buster: Is there any scientific proof that luck exists?
Umpire: Strike two.
Buster: The only thing that matters in baseball is skill, or the lack of it.
Umpire: Strike three, you're out!
Buster: I rest my case.     
He drops the bat and walks to the dugout looking pleased with himself. The other Grebelings stare at him.
~~~
On another day, Arthur and Buster leave the Read house.
Arthur: No, wait, we should take umbrellas, the forecast said it might rain.
Buster: Might rain? Oh, please, and a piano might just fall out of the sky.
Arthur: Buster, that's not the same.
Buster: Unless the forecast says it definitely will rain, and there are facts to back it up, we shouldn't believe it.    
He puts Arthur’s umbrella back inside and pushes Arthur forward.
~~~ 
Later, Arthur and Buster stand in a queue in front of a movie theater showing “Il Stranieri”. There is a thunderstorm and they are the only ones without umbrellas and they are shivering.
Buster: It's sheer coincidence.
~~~
Later in the ice-cream shop, Arthur wrings out his sweatshirt. He is sitting at a table with Francine. Brain serves them sundaes.
Francine: I miss old Buster. He had some pretty weird ideas but he was a lot better at baseball.
Arthur: And a lot more fun. Maybe you could talk to him, Brain?
Francine: Yeah. Tell him monsters exist and he can believe whatever he wants.
Brain: I'm not telling him that!
Arthur: Well, isn't there something you could say?     
Brain looks thoughtful.
~~~
In Buster’s room, Brain shows Buster a photograph of a treefrog on an electronic notebook. Buster is clearing out his food collection.
Buster: Oh… Is that a photograph of the mega toad?
Brain: No, it's a tree frog.
Buster: Oh...
Brain: But the tiny tree frog is kind of special. Every winter, it completely freezes. Its heart stops for weeks, maybe even months.    
He shows a video on the notebook.        
Brain: Then, when spring arrives, it comes back to life.
Buster: Cool! Wait, why are you showing me this?
Brain: Because... I can't believe I'm going to say this.   (very fast:)  If-a-frog-can-live-after-being-frozen-then-I-suppose-there's-a-point-zero-zero-one-chance-that-a-mega-toad-could-have-survived-from-the-Cretaceous-Period.   There, I said it. Could I have a glass of water, please? I feel faint.
Buster: Do you have any proof?
Brain: What?! That a giant toad survived for 70 million years? Of course not, I just...    
Buster opens the door.
Buster: I'm sorry, but if you don't have hard evidence, then you're no better than Martin Spivack.
Brain: (gasps)
~~~
Brain, Francine and Arthur sit in the treehouse.
Brain: He called me a "forensic speculographist".
Francine: What's that?
Brain: I have no idea but it sounds offensive.
Arthur: Maybe we should just hypnotize him. I bet Prunella could do it.
Brain: There might be a better way. Do either of you have a big tarp?
~~~
Arthur and Francine gather materials in the Reads’ garage with the help of Mr. Read.
~~~ 
In Brain’s room, Brain gets a sound file of a roaring lion. 
~~~ 
In front of the treehouse, the kids paint a mouth on a green tarpaulin and use Francine’s sock as a tongue. They stick gloves on sticks and high-five each other.
~~~
Later, Arthur phones Buster. He has Pal on a leash.
Arthur: Hey, Buster, you wanna go for a walk? It's a beautiful day.
Buster: Oh, really? Can you prove it?
Arthur: (sighs)  Why don't just look out the window?    
Buster looks out of the window.
Buster: Okay, seems to check out. Meet you in five minutes.
~~~
Arthur, Buster and Pal walk by the treehouse when they hear a roar.
Arthur: Wh-what was that?
Buster: I-I don't know, it sounded like a lion.
Francine with her toad costume stands up behind a log.
Buster: Ahhh! What is that thing?
Arthur: It looks like a... giant toad. Maybe even a mega toad! Martin Spivack was right!     
Pal barks and pulls the leash out of Arthur’s hand.       
Arthur: Pal, no, come back!     
Pal charges the toad and pulls at its sock tongue.
Francine: Cut it out, you crazy dog!   Oh…    
Pal pulls her over the log. He brings the costume to Arthur and Buster.
Buster: Wait a minute, that's no mega toad!
Arthur: Um, good boy, you saved us.
Buster: Nice try but...     
Francine and Buster stand up behind the log. Brain switches off the recorder with the lion’s roar.
Buster: We know, we know. New Buster isn't buying it.
Arthur: We just wanted the old Buster back.
Brain: I hate to admit it, but even I miss him.
Buster: So do I.    
The others smile at each other.        
Buster: But why should I believe in something if it can't be proven?      
He walks away. 
That night, Buster stands at the window. The phone rings.
Mrs. Baxter: Telephone for you, sweetie.    
She hands Buster the phone. 
Mr. Morris is sitting on the hood of his car in the New Mexico desert. He is looking at the sky with binoculars while holding the phone.
Mr. Morris: Hey, amigo, I'm on U.F.O. patrol. Think I might have spotted one.
Buster: It was probably just an aeroplane.
Mr. Morris: Bright green and shaped like an eggplant? Not like any plane I've ever seen.
Buster: Can I ask you something? Why do you believe in stuff like aliens?
Mr. Morris: Do you know how many galaxies scientists estimate are in the universe?
Buster: I don't know. A million?
Mr. Morris: One hundred billion! And do you know how many we can see with our best telescopes?
Buster: Uh-uh.
Mr. Morris: Five. Think about that. There's a lot out there we don't know. But there's another reason I believe in aliens.
Buster: What's that?
Mr. Morris: I like to. Life is more interesting when there's a little mystery in it.
Buster looks at a fluorescing U.F.O. sticker on his ceiling, which he forgot to remove.
Buster: Yeah, it is.
~~~
Buster gets back his alien stuff from George.
~~~ 
At the ice-cream shop, Buster shows Brain a drawing of a U.F.O. freezing a mega toad. Brain is slumped on the counter with his face buried in his arms.
Buster: So then, the alien civilization used their advanced technology to freeze the prehistoric creature in a block of ice and left him in Lake Shagamog, where one day, he'll wake up. And that's how a mega toad  could still exist. Will you admit it's possible?
Brain: If I do, will you go away and let me finish my homework?      
Buster looks delighted.
~~~
Buster walks out of the ice-cream shop. He takes his tinfoil hat out of his pocket and puts it on.
Buster: Old Buster is back.    
He walks home. Behind him, a normal-sized toad catches a fly.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 19 transcripts