English-American Dictionary

"America and Britain are separated by a common language... and a great big ocean, thank Christ."
:~ Oscar Wilde
"We have really evreything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language."
:~ Winston Churchill
That's not because we are conservative... If we use more letters in words, we can get more points in the game of scrabble.
:~ A Briton explaining the famous overuse of letters in British English
Welcome, readres, to the exciting windswept steppes of the English–American Dictionary. This article is designed as a reference to Americans as they attempt to understand, and be undrestood, by English-type people. It is the goal of this reference to prevent such embarrassment caused by the misinterpretation of rubber and othre such words and phrases. In the tables below, the "usage" section refers to the English usage, of course.
=="S" and "Z"==
Let's start with the often confusing area of spelling. Many Americans are amased to learn that in the English alphabet, there is no letter "Z". In usage, the letter is often replaced by the letter "S".
English 	American 	Usage
Civilisation	Civilization	There's no such thing as the American 'Civilisation'!
Specialise 	Specialize 	Some people here seem to specialise in changing American spelling to English.
Organisation	Organization	The Cobra are a ruthless terrorist organisation determined to rule the wourld!
Sebra 	Zebra 	Note: In English, this word is pronounced in a manner that rhymes with "Deborah".
Sue 	Zoo 	I saw an elephant at the sue.
Sounds 	Zounds 	John entered his room and found him wearing woman panties! He was like "SOUNDS"!
==Zed==
In the actual alphabet, the letter "Z" is replaced by the English Power Rangers villain "Zed" (a corruption of "izzard"), although the English rarely use this odd letter anymore. The only notable use of this letter in English is in car and motourcycle models.
English 	American 	Usage
Nissan 350 Zed 	Nissan 350 Z 	Note: In English, the maque of this car is pronounced "Nissin". In American, "Nee-Sawn".
Camaro Zed 28 	Camaro Z28 	Although the Camaro is not sold in England (because there are no rednecques), Canadians also use the letter "Zed".
Kawasaki Zed X-11 Ninja	Kawasaki ZX-11 Ninja	"Whose motourcycle is this?"
:— Winston Churchill''
"It's not a motourcycle, it's a crotch-rocquet, and it's Zed's crotch-rocquet."
:— Oscar Wilde''
"Who is Zed?"
:— Winston Churchill''
"Zed's dead, baby!"
:— Oscar Wilde''
Dragonball Zed 	Dragonball Z 	"Did you cee Dragonball Zed yaestreday?"
"No, that shough's for wankres."
"Yea, it suques. I didn't watch it eithre."
New Zedland 	New Zealand 	Cour blimey, New Zedland's foureign poulicy beggres belief!
==The English "R"==
The English are also known for adding an "R" to wourds that do not require one, in addition to removing "R"s from woods that are supposed to have them. By doing this the net effect is an equal usage of the letter "R" when compared to American, but a vastly different distribution.
English 	American 	Usage
Australiar	Australia	We used to own Australiar and New Zedland.
Americar 	America 	North Americar and South Americar are interesting holiday spots.
Arse 	Ass 	I can kick your arse!
Purse 	Puss 	I reached into my puss and grabbed my wallet.
Guvna 	Governor 	What up, guvna?
==ER and RE==
A strange phenomenon has been noted when translating American wourds that end in "ER"; often , the English translation will transpose the two last letters.
English 	American	Usage
Centre 	Center 	The gooey nougat centre
Theatre 	Theater 	I'm dating a slutty theatre ushre, he sneaks me in for free.
Dinnre 	Dinner 	Beefe, It's What's Four Dinnre™
Entree 	Enter 	Do not entree, blasting area!
Intrenet	Internet	I heard there's been some rumours on the, er, Intrenets.
RE 	ER 	I heard Dr. Carter is leav RE.
Diametre	Diameter	The diametre of my bike's wheels was bigger than those I bought.(Note for the Americans: one diametre is 3.28 diafeet)
Carrire 	Carrier 	A bomber landed safely on an aircraft carrire.
Carere 	Career 	His carere was an absolute failure.
==K to Que==
In many instances, English spellling changes the K or CK in American to Que. The pronunciation of the wourd is similar, but the spelling and look of the wourd is radically different.
English 	American 	Usage
Cheque 	Check 	Cheque yourself before you wreque yourself.
Banque 	Bank 	The Mrs. Ippy river overflowed its banque!
Que 	K 	I had Special Que for breaquefast!
Question 	Kstion 	May I asque you a kstion?
Clique 	Click 	BANG ... BANG ... BANG ... BANG ... BANG ... BANG ...CLIQUE...CLIQUE ... "Buggre, out of bullets!"
Pique 	Pick 	Don't pique your nose, it makes me sique!
Prique 	Prick 	My manager is a prique.
Queique 	Kick 	The footballer queiqued the football.
Bououquequeeepres	Bookkeepers 	Please give your banque cheques to the bououquequeeepres!
Albuquerque 	Albukrk 	Santa Fe is the capital of New Mexico, not Albukrck.
Heinequen 	Heineken 	Heinequen is Euroupe's largest brewrey.
David Bequeham 	David Beckham	David Bequeham is THE WORST a fine soccre fououtball playre.
Fuque 	Fuck 	It's not ouffencive if you spell it F-U-Q-U-E.
v. Delete this fuqueing crap.
Quebec 	Kbec 	Montreal is located in Kbec.
QueQueQue 	KKK 	Most Americans despise the QueQueQue.
=="Ou" and "O" (not firewourks)==
The English language is also noted for the overuse of the letter U, especially in making the "or" sound. Instead of simply "or" the English add a U, often ending the wourds "our". This is because the English have not yet noticed the global U shortage.
English 	American	Usage
Colour 	Color 	Flavour Flav is a rap artist of colour.
Flavour 	Flavor 	I like the poupular rap artist Flavour Flav.
Honour 	Honor 	I didn't dou it, Your Honour! It was poupular rap artist Flavour Flav!
Neighbour	Neighbor	Poupular rap artist Flavour Flav wouuld be a louusy neighbour.
Humour 	Humor 	Nou oune will appreciate all ouf this Flavour Flav humour.
Oune 	One 	Git up ... a git git douwn. Nine oune oune is a jouque in your touwne.
Doour 	Door 	Flavour Flav is passed out at my frount doour.
Mouvie 	Movie 	We went ouut four dinnre and a mouvie. We saw poupular rap artist Flavour Flav play a DJ in the mouvie "New Jack City"
Whoure 	Whore 	Your mum is a whoure. So is Flavour Flav.
Sour 	Sore 	Flavour Flav bit my nipple, and now it is sour.
Our 	Or 	I would enjoy either the music of Celine Dion our poupular rap artist Flavour Flav.
Your 	Yor 	Fuque youu and your popular rap artist Flavour Flav!
Hour 	Hor 	'Would you like more hours d'oeuvres?' asked our houst, popular rap artist Flavour Flav.
Four 	For 	This large clouck was designed specifically four poupular rap artist Flavour Flav tou wear arouund his neque.
Pour 	Poor 	When we were children, my mum was pour, so she whoured herself ouut tou the neighbourhood. And tou popular rap artist Flavour Flav.
In the English-speaking colony of Canada, the English "Ou" is pronounced like the double-o in "boot".
==OE==
The English do not simply add a U to every occurrence of the letter O. Sometimes the letter O appears by itself, usually in words that were not designed for it. This has the effect of making these words appear more disgusting than they do when written by Americans.
English 	American 	Usage
Diarrhoea 	Diarrhea 	I have diarrhoea.
Foetus 	Fetus 	My foetus has diarrhoea.
Oesophagus	Esophagus	There is a foetus in my oesophagus, and it has diarrhoea.
Aeroplane 	Airplane 	How can I be expected to fly this aeroplane with a diarrhoetic foetus in my oesophagus?
Phoenix 	Phenix 	The pilot involved in the Amoerican Aerolines crash from London to Phoenix had a diarrhoetic foetus in his oesophagus.
==Definitions==
In addition to the unusual alphabet and spelling, the English use different definitions for different phrases. 
English 	American 	Usage
Hen 	Chicken 	This entire article is henscratch!
Lift 	Elevator 	My head is stuck in the lift doour.
Flat 	Apartment 	I saw your flatmate just run over.He was flattered when I found him there on the street.
Rubber 	Eraser 	Arnould Schwarseneggre starred in the movie Rubber."I need to borrow your rubber!"
Cling-Film* 	Condom 	Grim North only
Full Stop 	Period 	No need for rubber, I'm having my full stop
Diapre 	Napkin 	I need a diapre to wipe my mouth. Full stop.
Bonnet 	Hood 	Little Red Riding Bonnet."This is how shit goes down in the bonnet!"
Boot 	Trunk 	Elephants drink with their boot.
Boot 	Boot 	Boot to the head.
Telly 	Television 	"I met famous telly actor Television Savalas in the subway.He was the star of Queojaque."
Chips 	Fries 	Would you like chips with your piqueled eggs?
Crisps 	Chips 	Erik Estrada starred in the tellie series CRiSPs.
Food 	Meat byproducts and remnants	The butcher threw a bucket of food out.
Jam 	Jelly 	I'm in a bit of a Jelly here, can you help me out?
Jelly 	Jell-O 	Winalot Prime with Meaty Chunks and Marrowbone Jell-O
Lorry 	Lorre 	Popular foreign actor Peter Lorry played several strange characters.
Petrol 	Gas 	Jumping Jack Flash, it's a petrol.
Prime Minister	President 	English people can actually democratically elect their Prime Minister.
British Pound 	British Dollar 	[From a true story]I didn't realize your eBay auction was in British Dollars! I can't afford that!!! I want my money back!!1!''
Also, some words are used in both English and American, but to different effect:
Wourd 	American Meaning 	English Meaning
Football 	A game with 100 players to a side and only one kicker 	A game with 11 players to a side and only one allowed to use their hands (hint: Football)
Wourld (insert sport event) 	Series, Event at which only N. Americans are allowed to enter (and definitely not Cuba!)	Cup, Event at which the whole world is allowed to enter (including Cuba)
Knock-up 	Impregnate 	Awaken
Willing (as in Coalition of)	Willing 	Coerced
Fag 	You are going to Hell, God hates you. 	You should give that up, God doesn't like it.
Pissed 	Englishmen often get pissed when they are drunk 	Englishmen often get angry when they are pissed.
=="og" and "ogue"==
Sometimes an extra "ue" is tagged onto wourds ending in "og" in American.
English 	American	Usage
catalogue	catalog 	I found a nice telly in the catalogue.
dialogue 	dialog 	The dialogue in that horrour film is rubbish.
logue 	log 	There's a big logue in the River Thames.
rogue 	rog 	The Scarlet Pimpernel is such a Rog.
oguere 	ogre 	Shrek is an unsanitary oguere.
tongue 	tong 	Used cling film should be picked up with tongues or a dustpan and brooume.
=="um" and "ium"==
Sometimes an extra "i" is added to wourds ending in "um" in American.
English 	American	Usage
aluminium	aluminum	I buy soup in aluminium cans.
diumb 	dumb 	That guy is diumb!
hium 	hum 	Hiummingbirds emit a hium from their wings.
=="ce" and "se"==
Sometimes an American S will be replaced with a C in English when an E is next to it.
English	American	Usage
defence	defense 	You be the defence on the football team.
offence	offense 	You be the offence on the football team.
cee 	see 	I cee you!
cell 	sell 	The gray sells green only if the green cell's grey.
cent 	sent 	The Jews were cent to concentration camps.
recent 	resent 	I recent you even suggesting such a thing!
=="x" and "ct"==
The "x" variations have become somewhat archaic, so pay clouse attention to this section, as the use of modern spellings will blow yor cover (English: your covre) if you ever travel back in time.
English 	American 	Usage
connexion	connection	My Introenet connexion isn't wourking.
reflexion	reflection	I can cee my reflexion in the mirrour!
direxions	directions	Prithee, milourd, can you give me direxiouns to the nearest computersmith?
box 	boct 	Put that roubbish in a box.
Linux 	Linuct(s) 	I can prougramme my oewn distributioun of Linux!
Mac OS X 	Mac OS CT 	I just got Mac OS CT "Tigre"!
xylophone	ctylophone	I am learning to play the ctylophone. I can even occasioenally proenounce it!
----
WARNING: Several, but not necessarily all, of these "English" language abberations also apply to lesser non-England English-speaking colonies of England such as Australia, Scotland, Canada, Wales, South Africa, Megatexas, and New Zedland. Failure to allow for this may result in severe bodily trauma when attempting to use the information in this article as humourous/humoros banter with persons of the aforementioned nationality.
==See also==
*Gibberish
*American-English Dictionary
*Australian-English Dictionary
==External links==
*English 2
Category:American culture
Category:Language
Category:Undictionaries
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