Spy TF2 Is Constipated

The spy was sitting down, minding his own business, when suddenly, he felt something from deep within him. He had to take a shit. He rushed over to the bathroom, knocking over scout on the way, and slammed the door shut behind him. He sat on the toilet, and waited, and waited, and waited. But nothing happened. That was the moment he knew, he was constipated.
He tried taking some laxatives first, but it didn't help at all. The spy came up with another idea. He got out of the bathroom, walked downstairs, opened the front door and shouted "HELP! SOMEONE HELP!"
A young girl about ten years old ran towards him. "What's wrong, mister?" she asked.
"I can't go!" he said in desperation. "Please help me."
She looked around for a bit before she found some laxatives in the kitchen cabinet. "Here you go," she said and handed them to him.
The spy thanked her and took them.
"Now run upstairs and lock yourself into your room. Don't come out until they kick you out. You're gonna need every minute of that time, understand?"
The spy nodded. He went back upstairs, locked himself inside his bedroom, and closed the curtains.
After an hour, he heard people coming down the stairs. He could hear their footsteps getting closer and closer. "Shit!" he cursed and started running towards the window. It was too late. They were already knocking on the door.
Then, the worst thing possible started to happen, he was pooping. Because he had started to poop, he could not go anywhere without finishing the shit, and then wiping himself off. This made the spy panic even more.
He could hear the knocks at his door, it sounded as if it was going to break open! He looked through the crack in between the curtains and saw three men standing outside his door. They seemed like soldiers from the military, judging by their uniform.
"Open up!" one of them demanded. "We know you're hiding something inside there!"
The spy panicked again because he realized what they meant.
"No!" he screamed and bolted down the hallway. He ran past the bathroom and kept running until he reached the end of the hall. He went around the corner and hid in the shadows.
"Hey! Come out here now!" the soldier called out.
I have to get this poop out of my ass! the spy thought with his pants still down. There wasn't enough time for him to pull them back up before he stepped out of the shadows. He turned toward the soldier and smiled. "Hello, sir. What do you want?"
"Are you sure you don't have anything hidden here? We'll find out soon!" the soldier replied.
"Not a chance," the spy responded.
"You better be telling the truth," the soldier threatened.
The spy nodded to show he was being honest.
"What's your name?" the soldier asked.
"That doesn't matter right now. Just give me a few minutes to gather everything I need and we'll be out of here."
"Very well. But make it fast."
The spy smiled and did so. He quickly pulled his pants up and started gathering materials.
"What's all this?" the soldier asked curiously.
"Just a little bit of stuff I'm going to need," the spy responded.
"Why would you need so much?"
"Because it's important."
The soldier frowned. He didn't buy the spy's answer.
Then, the spy's ass felt itchy, because as we all know, not wiping is very bad for you.
"Excuse me, sir," the spy said while trying to scratch his butt. "Could you please step away from the door?"
"Yes, you may," the soldier said.
The spy quickly moved out of the way and began digging through his backpack. He picked up a paper bag and threw it to the soldier. "Here you go," he said.
"What's in there?" the soldier asked suspiciously.
"Nothing harmful, I promise. As you can see, I'm a spy," the spy said. "But before I tell you what's in there, you're going to have to swear on your life that you will never reveal this information to anyone ever. Do you agree?"
The soldier thought for a second before he agreed.
"Okay, I'm good," he said after making the oath.
The spy removed all the papers from the paper bag and spread them across the floor. He then emptied out an entire box of laxatives and scattered them all over the papers.
"What exactly is this?" the soldier asked curiously.
"It's just a prank bro," the spy answered.
The spy then guzzled down all of the laxatives, and ran into the bathroom to finish his shit.
The soldier stared at the papers and the pile of laxatives. He couldn't believe it. Then, he looked at the spy who was wiping his ass clean with toilet paper.
"How'd you do that?" the soldier asked.
"Magic," the spy responded. "What did you think?"
"Did you put these laxatives somewhere else? Like in the woods or something?"
"Nope. I ate them," the spy said.
The soldier then spontaneously combusted from the idiocy of the statement, allowing the spy to go back to doing whatever he was doing.
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