I fell in love with the sex monster

Hello, I'm David. My wife died six years ago trying to cut her own hair with the lawnmower. Her skull dulled the blades and I've been living with an unkempt lawn ever since, but that's enough about me and my problems.
Oh wait, no, there's more. After my wife died, although the relationship had emotionally drained me, I still found myself left with somewhat irksome sexual desires.
"Have you considered going on Tinder?" Said my good, female, work colleague, Tindy.
"Chemical castration? That's a little extreme, don't you think, Tind?"
I called her Tind for short because we knew each other so well. We had worked together for six years now. Come to think about it, she started working at my office about the same time my lawn had become overgrown.
"No, silly. Tinder is a dating app for meeting people."
"I don't want to meet people, Tind. I want to have sex with people."
"Yeah... Um..."
I arranged to meet my first Tinder date at their house. I brought with me a single white rose and box of chocolates. But after knocking on the door, to my surprise, it was Tind who opened it!
"Tind what are you doing here?" I asked, still surprised.
"This is where I live." Replied Tind. "I'm your Tinder date."
"Far out." I replied also.
Pretty soon after that we were having sex and I must say I was really enjoying myself. Although Tind is a good friend, she often hogs the photocopier at work which had always frustrated me and lead me to think I could never find her attractive, but, if anything, that photocopier frustration made the copulation all the more enjoyable.
"I'm going to cut off your dick and stick it in a little jar."
"Excuse me?"
I'd taken my eyes off the ball during our love making and neglected to notice how Tind had morphed into some egregiously asymmetrical horrifying beast. What were once quite visually appealing breasts looked like a google image search for verrucas. Her very attractive face resembled that of my now dead wife's.
"Must get that blade sharpener." I thought to myself. "I'll do it next weekend."
"You feel your cock inside me?" It continued. "I just need it a little harder, then I can bite it off with my hideous vagina teeth!"
"Hm. Look, Tind, I don't want things to become awkward between us at work. Maybe we should just call it a night here and pretend this never happened?"
"NOOOO! I must feast tonight on your manhood or I shall be imprisoned for a thousand years. Office awkwardness pales in comparison!"
"Yes, well, when you put it like that... Is losing my penis really as bad as a thousand years in prison? What right have I got to say what is best?"
"It's not even just prison, but like a demon hell thing."
"Oh, just take it then. Not like I was using it anyway!"
"That's what I thought!"
We lolled over it and started making love again.
"You might just want to put a sheet over yourself for a bit so we can get this finished."
"Oh, sure."
Tind agreed to take just the first inch of my penis and then we cauterized the wound and made a hole for me to pee out of. She went back to her nest in the basement and said she'd return again in six years to take the next inch. I said once every six years was more than enough for me. She admitted to actually murdering my wife with the lawnmower and eating her face, which actually made a lot more sense than the hair cutting thing, and said she'd pay for me to get a new one. Lawnmower that is. Plus for the next six years I knew the photocopier was going to be all mine. So I couldn't complain.
As the years went by I grew closer and closer to Tind and my penis grew shorter and shorter. I knew one day I would have no more penis left to give her. Despite this I came to love her for who she was. It didn't bother me that she occasionally looked like a head-on collision between two clown cars full of offal when we were having sex. But... I couldn't shake the feeling that she didn't properly love me in return. All she cared about was my ever reducing stump. Once I, or it, was gone she'd move on to the next man and touch them in the same way she touched me. Bite of their penis with her hideous vagina teeth in the same way she'd bite of mine...
I looked at my brand new lawnmower, now in the basement of our shared house. I looked at the pulsating nest that contained the sleeping sex monster. The sleeping sex monster... that I loved.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Beings
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep