Elephant

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Elephants are available in two trim levels; African and AsianAfrican elephants come with leather and the Bose stereo, while Asian elephants also come with leather and the Bose stereo. Pink Elephant Motor Company's management is filled with people who don't know how to market well. It's like GM, but with elephants.. 
The African elephantThere's more than one, though. You'll find out why this is bad later.This is bad because they will trample the hell out of you. inhabits the hottest, driest, Africa-est parts of AfricaExcept for the desert (which is too dry), because they've got a much, much better union than camels, which got stuck with desert duty. Camels still spit and/or kick when they realize just how badly they got screwed. They spit and kick all the time. There's not much else to do in the desert. Even the ones in Australia are pissed that they only get 40% dental., where it spends the majority of its time stomping around, fighting other elephants, people and the haunting feeling that its life peaked back in college when it played wide receiver and helped the teamGo Wildcats! win the Big Game.
The Asian elephant broke away from its African family after a heated confrontation involving its Catholic parents and a Jewish fiancé and moved to IndiaIt told them "I'm moving to the country of Asia!", which is pretty idiotic, as Asia isn't even a country. "An elephant never forgets" might be true, but elephants are also remarkably poor at geography. The "Asian elephant" moniker, however, stuck. to "discover itself"Also, for the amusingly named spices, like adrak, aamchur, achar, ajmud, ajmoda, ajwain, amla & anardana, among the A's alone (which all sound both delicious and exotic, until you realize that ginger, called adrak, doesn't taste any better with a cool name. Also, ajmoda is just parsley and, therefore, continues to be the kind of food that gets pushed to the side of the plate before being pushed to the side of the garbage. Even the itinerant Indian cows won't eat it, and they'll eat anything), and the also wildly coloured saffron clothing, which loses its appeal entirely when draped over an Asian elephant, even when it's at the airport selling flowers..
===Description===
They both lookElephants, incidentally, have terrible vision. On the other hand, they have the longest noses in the animal kingdom, which came in handy when they spent the 70s and 80s in Miami. like elephantsThe Asian ones, much like Asians, are smaller, but size is a relative thing because the "small" of a fully grown Asian elephant, at up to 5,000kg (142 acres) is still pretty big. On the other hand, the "big" of an African elephant, at 5,400kg (10,211 quarts) makes the Asian elephant look...also big, but not quite as much. It should be noted that the African elephant will use its extra 400kg (207 °F) primarily to trample the hell out of you.If it doesn't look like an elephant, consider the possibility that it's Rag Week at the Zoo and they have filled the elephant enclosure with giraffes. This happened to me once..
====That thing about the ears====
Asian elephants have smaller earsThey're still huge, though. As in "your odd uncle's ears" huge. In contrast, the African elephant has bigger ears, which is pretty obvious if you put the two side by side...which you won't, because the African one will trample the hell out of you. While you're preoccupied with being a corpse, the Asian one, while pretending to be disgusted and turned-off will, deep down in her very core, be secretly swooning at the unnecessary brutality of the African elephant; weak-kneed and unsure in the murky, humid and suffocatingly limbic cloud of manly manliness of such a turgid, atavistic act..
====Oh, and the tusks====
Males of both types have tusks...which makes this a useless metric (much like kPa, which succeeds only in uselessness. 303.975kPa? That's tire pressure?! What the hell?!) for distinguishing between the two. Luckily, such a task is rarely problematic, as one is in Africa while the other is in Asia. If you're in one or the other areas, and can't tell which kind of elephant you're looking at, well, as they say in Boston, "...you ah wikid retahdid" (Hint: if you're being trampled, it's the African kind).. Female African elephants also have tusksBecause everything is tough in Africa. It's the same continent, remember, where the humble bumble bee kills people. They've got to protect their honey. Honey, it should be mentioned, that's bitter. People killing, bitter honey making bees? That's tough. Africa tough., while female Asian ones don'tThey do, however, have a wisp of a moustache that they bleach. Pretend you don't notice it, or you'll spend most of the evening trying to get them to come out of the bathroom.. TusksAfrican elephants will use their tusks to stab you. While trampling on you. are made of ivory, which is worth quite a lotEven more to the elephant they're attached to..
====Other cool things that you should already know about elephants because everyone, at some point in their lives, is fascinated with the circusYou wanted to be an acrobat, clown or ringmaster. If you deny this, you're a dirty liar.====
* Elephants look good in frilly knickersNot that good. Good by circus animal standards but not by girlfriend standards, so it's really not worth getting drunk to work up the courage, because it really can't work out. And anyway, circuses cut costs where possible so there's a good chance it's a giraffe bulked up by steroids and painted grey..
* Girls in spangly clothes look good on top of elephantsIf you're a circus owner, make sure they're on top, okay?.
* You can buy drums that don't break when these guys stand on them.
=====Cool things about elephants that will kill the conversation at a party=====
*Male elephants are called "bulls"...followed by a high-five, a friendly "dude" or "bro", and a shotgun'd brewski.. Females are called "cows"...then they burst out crying, stampede to the bathroom, slam and lock the door..
*Elephant teeth are replaced up to five times over the course of their life. After the last set falls out or wears down completely, they slowly waste away as starve to deathIsn't that interesting? How about we go someplace to...talk? No? Oh. I'll just hang here by the punch..
*Elephants visit the final resting place of their dead, pausing to ponder the inevitability of their own mortalityIsn't that interesting? How about we go someplace to...talk? No? Oh. You're a lesbian? Since when? Since just now? Oh. while playing kickball with one of grandpa's vertebrae.
=====Cool things about elephants that seem really deep when you're stoned=====
*Asian elephants are among the few species on Earth that are considered to be self-awareAlong with Man, the chimpanzee, the bottlenose dolphin and that unidentified fruit or vegetable in the bottom of your fridge that really should have been tossed away months ago. In other words, they "think" (about logs, mostly, as well as the steadily nearing, yawning black abyss of their tooth-centric, starvation-induced, mortality. The latter epiphany makes them go through an uncomfortable "goth" stage in high school, which both leads to them getting bullied as well as getting them some spooky, depressing, pussy). If you show an Asian elephant a mirror, for example, it will gaze at its own reflection. It "knows", y'know?
*We don't know if African elephants are self-aware, because whenever someone gets close enough to present a mirror to them, the elephant tramples the hell out of them. They don't "think" much anyway..They are self-aware enough, though, to play with your bones the next time they pass by..
=====Cool things about elephants that, unlike the above, won't hinder you getting laid=====
*Baby elephantsAdorable!.
*Not talking about elephants.
==General details, usefulness and trampling==
Both types eat a lotA. Lot. The kind of "a lot" that burns through your allowance. That "a lot" also carries on to the "other end". It's best if you don't think about it. Just get a shovel. Or ten. I hope you've got a good back. and their feet, when no longer needed by their owner, can be used to make grotesque knickknacksAlso, furniture based on a terrible pun..
Asian elephants are commonly domesticatedAnd serve as both the local equivalent of a cross between a pickup truck, a bus and a bulldozer, which is a hideous combination, if you think about it (Keep in mind that this comes from the same country where the gods are blue and have too many arms, that are also blue, and the holiest river is also the place where they poop). This means that trained Asian elephants pick up logs, carry logs and drop logs. Also, they occasionally lose their friggin' shit, resulting in a virtually African elephant level of man-trampling. Indicators that an Asian elephant is about to friggin' lose its shit include picking up logs, carrying logs and dropping logs. A clear trouble sign is them in no way changing their behaviour in any manner whatsoever., while African elephants, even when domesticated, are not domesticated...making a mockery of the very term and leading you to unsuccessfully attempt to get your money back from Mbutu N!tambo's Elephant Academy. As such, they will not pick up, carry or drop logs. They will, however, trample the hell out of you. More correctly (or less wrongly) they will act domesticated, allowing you to lead them around the center ring at the circus, letting you get them up on their hind legs, then permitting you to have the hell trampled out of yourself..
Also, neither type of elephant will fit in a refrigerator. Unless you butter themHence the footprints..
Category:Elephants
Category:Zoology
Category:Heavy
Category:Vital articles
Category:FA Animals
da:Elefanter
de:Elefant
es:Elefante
fr:Éléphant
hu:Elefánt
it:Elefante
ko:코끼리
nl:Olifant
no:Elefant
pl:Słoń
pt:Elefante
sk:Slon
zh:象
zh-tw:大象
Th:ช้าง