Dear John letter

[ (random content ~ click for a different version)]
	
<choose><option></option><option></option><option></option><option></option></choose>
, ,   
Dear <choose>
<option>Uncle Sam</option>
<option>John Bull</option>
<option>Rocky Balboa</option>
<option></option>
<option>Jimbo</option>
<option>Acquaintance</option>
<option>Anonymous</option>
<option>Long John Silver</option>
<option>Captain Blackbeard</option>
<option>Mr. President</option>
<option>Archchancellor</option>
<option>all-boobs-and-no-brains</option>
<option>Big Bertha</option>
<option>John Malkovich</option>
<option>Mickey Finn</option>
<option>Azathoth</option>
<option>other half</option>
<option>you with that unpronouncable name</option>
<option>whatever your name may be</option>
<option>insignificant other</option>
<option>Regan MacNeil</option>
<option>Dalai Lama</option>
<option>Freak of the Week</option>
<option>me, I do believe I've forgotten your name</option>
<option>Sex toy</option>
<option>LeChuck</option>
<option>Miss Chernobyl</option>
<option>wife nr. 1</option>
<option>Santa</option>
<option>Mulder and Scully</option>
<option>[insert name of recipient here]</option>
<option>Miss Universe</option>
<option>Sperm Donor</option>
<option>Lloyd Simcoe</option>
<option>Gordon Freeman</option>
<option>future amnesiac self</option>
<option>Ex-Friend with Benefits</option>
<option>Sir/Madam</option>
<option>Poster Child for the Criminally Insane</option>
<option>future murder victim nr. </option>
<option>Passing Fancy</option>
<option>psychiatrist</option>
<option>God I can't believe I'll soon be rid of you at long last</option>
<option>Penis (with life support system attachment)</option>
<option>Flavour of the Month</option>
<option>Person To Whom It May Concern</option>
<option>Loser</option>
<option>Bob</option>
<option>yesterday's news</option>
<option>tomorrow's headlines</option>
<option>Mystery Man</option>
<option>Cthulhu</option>
<option>disembodied head</option>
<option>voices that I hear sometimes in my head</option>
<option>Anna, Jessica ... Sarah? ummmm whoever ...</option>
<option>Brian, Derek ... Frank? ummmm whoever ...</option>
<option>"Mr. Tiny"</option>
<option>lovely giraffe of a stepdaughter with whom I have had pleasant Banana Peeling.</option>
<option>hooker I slept with in Vegas</option>
<option>Prisoner nr. </option>
<option>"Mr. It was only a dream" (as my psychiatrist insists I refer to you these days) </option>
<option>pointless entity</option>
<option>Mario</option>
</choose>,
By the time you read this, I'll be <choose>
<option>at the Prancing Pony, waiting for the wizard to arrive</option>
<option>devolved into an amorphous amoeba</option>
<option>fatally assaulted by rabid squirrels</option>
<option>eating your liver with fava beans and a nice chianti</option>
<option>watching The Uncyclopedia Movie</option>
<option>composing a concerto for 3 bassoons and a trombone</option>
<option>tripping on shoelaces (I had no idea that you could get THIS high on them...)</option>
<option>fucking your sister</option>
<option>having future visions of myself in April 29, 2010</option>
<option>sneaking destroying angels into the button mushroom meal you'll be served within 5 minutes</option>
<option>in midtown London on a massive shopping spree with your credit card that I kind of "borrowed" earlier today (the pincode is 8391, isn't it?)</option>
<option>feeding your pet goldfishes to my cats Hortensia and Petunia</option>
<option>heading towards Mordor in a suicide attempt to throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom</option>
<option>writing to Uncyclopedia</option>
<option>at one with the universe</option>
<option>constrained within a straight-jacket in some place soft, drooling obscenely over your past nude pictures</option>
<option>in your room, stealing your socks</option>
<option>vandalizing Wikipedia</option>
<option>transferring my child porn collection into your computer and turning it in for repair</option>
<option>stalked by that creep who calls himself Googlebot</option>
<option>eaten alive by Jabba the Hutt</option>
<option>captured by the FBI</option>
<option>pushing up the daisies</option>
<option>tortured by Jack Bauer</option>
<option>aiming at you with a sniper rifle</option>
<option>waiting for you in the closet with a butcher's knife</option>
<option>hiding under your bed with a butcher's knife</option>
<option>buying the farm</option>
<option>chasing your helpless grandma around with a huge fucking monster truck</option>
<option>saving a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gecko</option>
<option>sent to the cornfield</option>
<option>burning in hell for my sins</option>
<option>wiretapping your telephone calls</option>
<option>eating myself to death at a McDonald's restaurant</option>
<option>trying to cut off my own legs with a toothbrush (just to see if it can be done)</option>
<option>omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent</option>
<option>eaten by a grue</option>
<option>zombiefied by a doomsday virus</option>
<option>on a murderous rampage downtown</option>
<option>banned from the Internet</option>
<option>amidst a raging battle involving thousands of predators, terminators, xenomorphs and space marines</option>
<option>abducted by aliens and half way to Zeta II Reticuli</option>
<option>burnt at stake by the Spanish Inquisition</option>
<option>relocated to a secret tropical hide-out, drinking fruit drinks and living a life in luxury for the money I drained from your bank account this morning (so long sucker, HAHAHAHAHA!!!)</option>
<option>held at gunpoint by my twisted aunt Maggie for stealing cookies from the cookie jar</option>
<option>stuck in a timeloop with no hope of escape</option>
<option>on a train to Fiji</option>
<option>on a ferry to Mongolia</option>
<option>howling strangely in the streaming moonlight</option>
<option>vanished into thin air</option>
<option>counting to one googolplex (and I'm only at at the moment)</option>
<option>converting my house into an undead bastion</option>
<option>sacrificing myself to the Devil</option>
<option>stranded on a deserted island</option>
<option>in ur pet store, huffing ur kittenz</option>
<option>a member of the Fantastic Four</option>
<option>a mother</option>
<option>hiding inside a closet much closer too you than you'd feel comfortable with</option>
<option>dead; not surprising, since I surgically implanted this letter into my groin</option>
<option>spreading all your diaries around on file-sharing networks (scanners can be so fun sometimes, yah!)</option>
<option>, having much more fun than you</option>
<option>in sunny Hawaii, drinking cheaply priced beer and completing my memoirs</option>
<option>in pitched battle with God and all his host of angels</option>
<option>ill in Swine Flu</option>
<option>at Community Hospital, being prepared for a sex-change operation. Our time together made me realize some important things about myself</option>
<option>in jail. Three hots and a cot, and the judge says I can refuse to see anyone I want, including you. Finally</option>
<option>flat on my back, testing the Serta® 10 Year Mattress Spring Guarantee with our mutual friend Gary</option>
<option>hitchhiking to Wal-Mart to choose your replacement</option>
<option>in Iraq, serving in whatever ways I’m needed most. I fear that the military is the only way to make our relationship last, and seeing as you're a pacifist, I decided to join</option>
<option>selling my soul on eBay for 10,000 dollars</option>
<option>staring at the sun with the intent of becoming blind</option>
<option> of all places, thanks to that traveling lottery win I had two months ago</option>
<option>married. I regret to inform you that there were a number of contestants for my affections, and you were not the winner</option>
<option>doing my "happy dance" naked, on the side of the M25 motorway</option>
<option>singing show tunes in the shower while members of the New York Yankees take turns exfoliating my buttocks with a loofah sponge</option>
<option>serving number 977. If you get here quickly enough, you might be able to get in to see me before I wash the stink of manfilth from my body and go home for the night</option>
<option>in R'lyeh at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, worshiping great Cthulhu</option>
<option>mutated into something unrecognizable</option>
<option>tied to a score of helium balloons, thinking about some non-fatal way of coming back down to earth safely (help, please?)</option>
<option>sipping butane martinis on the way to Nicaragua</option>
<option>on a pilgrimage to Sears to buy "sporting goods" for my weekend adventure with the male cast members of "My Name Is Earl"</option>
<option>a blowing rich, retired businessmen on a slow boat to China</option>
<option>transferring the last of our mutual savings to a bank account in Geneva</option>
<option>transferring my consciousness to a member of an extinct race of sentient egg-plants on planet Vollapus 620 million years ago</option>
<option>almost through three more regiments</option>
<option>trampled to death during the New York City Marathon</option>
<option>very relieved</option>"
<option>you</option>
<option>telling our children why your inches mattered that much</option>
<option>living in your house and drinking your coffee</option>
<option>the first triple MILLION winner EVER in the NATIONAL LOTTERY! Yay</option>
<option>aiming the crosshair of my bazooka at your crotch</option>
</choose>.
I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but <choose>
<option>I know what you're thinking: "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?</option>
<option>no, I am not going to stop sending these letters just because the judge and my psychiatrist told me not to.</option>
<option>you weren't at home, and anyways I forgot to bring my AK with me.</option>
<option>to be honest, I'd be more sorry if I were to stay.</option>
<option>it's not like the world isn't going to end on December 21, 2012 anyway.</option>
<option>it's not like I'm not going to kill you on Saturday anyway.</option>
<option>your voice is so grating that another few phone calls from you would have left me deaf for life by the end of the year.</option>
<option>well... no, I'm not sorry. Lying was always my worst problem with you, and I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not.</option>
<option>one of us has to go, and the strychnine I've been adding to your Corn Flakes doesn't seem to be working.</option>
<option>your feelings are inherently less valuable than mine.</option>
<option>your needs are inherently less important than mine.</option>
<option>this world simply isn't big enough for the both of us.</option>
<option>my eyes have yet to fully recover from last week when your wig fell off.</option>
<option>seeing you without makeup made homosexuality suddenly seem very feasible to me.</option>
<option>time is money, and according to your most current bank statement you have insufficient funds to purchase additional time credits with me.</option>
<option>enough is enough. I've HAD it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!</option>
<option>I've misplaced my copy of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" and I had to improvise.</option>
<option>I'm not getting any younger, and you're not getting any richer.</option>
<option>I have stolen three nuclear warheads and am planning to commit suicide by detonating them (in midtown New York, just to spice things up).</option>
<option>I finally got around to reading your "poems" this morning, and I figure that this is better than a bullet in the head.</option>
<option>you win some, you lose some - and in your case, you lose everything.</option>
<option>uh, well... now what was it again... (God dammit) Oh, yes, I was going to write to you because... because... ummmhhh... (hang on a minute)... I seem to have lost my memory so I'll just improvise a letter with no true meaning from now on, if you don't mind (which you'll probably do).</option>
<option>with your breath, a letter seemed the safest option.</option>
<option>I don't think I could restrain myself from laughing about what I saw last night.</option>
<option>with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.</option>
<option>attorneys cost money, and I'm eating for two now, if you know what I mean.</option>
<option>my sadistic urges have become completely uncontrollable, and I don’t think I can see you again without having to torture you.</option>
<option>with all the botox in your face, I might as well be fraternizing with mannequins instead. At least those don't have every STD known to man...</option>
</choose>''
I know this might seem like <choose>
<option>a bit of a shock</option>
<option>a big surprise</option>
<option>a sudden change</option>
<option>karmic kannibalism</option>
<option>an odd twist of fate</option>
<option>I'm into polygamy or something just because I have five wives at the same time, but Elisab... Rebecca... umm, I mean Sarah, you're the only one who truly matters, I swear. Surely our time together must still mean something</option>
<option>a crappy thing to do</option>
<option>an unexpected departure</option>
<option>a punch in the jaw</option>
<option>a cowardly way of telling you that I ran over your mom with fatal outcome just 10 minutes ago</option>
<option>a sinister scheme from me to stage an "accident" and claim the life insurance policy on you (which it is)</option>
<option>a total violation of the laws of physics</option>
<option>a disappointing turn for the worse</option>
<option>a kick in the nuts</option>
<option>a letter of indulgence</option>
<option>a Wikipedia article</option>
<option>an Uncyclopedia in-joke</option>
<option>an omitted chapter from Dante´s Divine Comedy</option>
<option>a very large malignant tumour on your L4 vertebrae (and to be truthful, it is)</option>
<option>an episode of Days of Our Lives</option>
<option>a slap in the face</option>
<option>an insidious scheme to dominate the universe</option>
<option>, well... inevitable, really,</option>
<option>, complicated, bewildering, and kind of erotic</option>
<option>a big sick demented joke in a vortex of meaninglessness</option>
<option>a sudden turn of events</option>
</choose>''
to you, seeing as we made all those plans to <choose>
<option>adopt a child from a third world country for media publicity</option>
<option>cannibalize your family</option>
<option>visit Easter Island and go on an egg hunt</option>
<option>vacation in the Ivory Coast, and smuggle bits of it home to sell on the black market</option>
<option>grow old, fat and senile together</option>
<option>alphabetize our combined compact disc collections someday</option>
<option>continue grossing out teens and old people with our cherished "skinny dip and snogging" expeditions to the fountain in the public square</option>
<option>blow up the moon together</option>
<option>throw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom in Mordor</option>
<option>kill any infidel swine who refuses to submit to the ways of the Holy Qur'an and our great prophet Muhammad (peace by upon him)</option>
<option>burn down our neighbor's house</option>
<option>enter the Guinness Book of World Records by the becoming the first couple ever to watch "The Cure for Insomnia" without falling asleep</option>
<option>destroy the universe</option>
<option>sink the British isles</option>
<option>slowly fade into non-existence</option>
<option>hack into Pentagon's databases and expose the alien cover-up in Roswell</option>
<option>slowly cannibalize each other one bite at a time</option>
<option>trade all our remaining STDs even-steven</option>
<option>terrorize the elderly couple that lives down the road</option>
<option>buy a million rubber ducks for all our retirement savings</option>
<option>push the boundaries of human genetics past the point of good taste by procreating</option>
<option>live together in happily unwedded bliss, or a reasonable facsimile</option>
<option>suck out the souls of those unworthy of a vampiric prowess</option>
<option>infiltrate the "Red Cross" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds</option>
<option>infiltrate the "Save the Children" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds</option>
<option>infiltrate the "Amnesty International" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds</option>
<option>visit your grandparents to give them a big ol' kiss</option>
<option>kidnap a first-grade school class together</option>
<option>push you into the sea tied to a large brick</option>
<option>kill your parents and claim the life insurance money</option>
<option>assassinate the Pope</option>
<option>drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq</option>
<option>spend at least more than two hours together</option>
<option>run the 3rd marathon around the world together (tied together, that is)</option>
</choose>, but I just don't see things working out that way.''
I'm sorry about this — <choose>
<option>really. No, really. Those are teardrops on the letter, and not spittle from laughter</option>
<option>well, sort of, at least, kind of, maybe, a little..</option>
<option>but honestly, putting my hamster in the microwave was too much</option>
<option>mostly</option>
<option>I think</option>
<option>but I thought that since I've now finally managed to track you down, it might be good manners to at least write one last good-bye letter to you before I kill you</option>
<option>but I've been stuck in this nightmare world for months now, and writing this letter is my last chance of a wake up call</option>
<option>at least so long as I remain intoxicated</option>
<option>at least so long as I remain high</option>
<option>sorry that I didn't take the chance to get rid of you last month, but I promise I'll make up for it the next time we meet</option>
<option>well; not really. I just thought it'd sound good</option>
<option>or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations</option>
<option>it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time</option>
<option>but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour</option>
<option>but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter</option>
<option>but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category</option>
</choose>. I just need <choose>
<option>to go to the moon or a gay retared place</option>
<option>nails, matches and a voodoo doll of you</option>
<option>more men, on some kind of rotating schedule</option>
<option>more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway..</option>
<option>need need need need... well; I can't quite remember</option>
<option>more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age</option>
<option>more space. Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan is sounding pretty nice to me right now</option>
<option>more time alone. No... More time away from you. All of it, really. Yeah. That's what I mean to say</option>
<option>more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually</option>
<option>to put this facade you've been living to an end, before I run out of script material. Ghostwriters cost a fortune</option>
<option>to plot your murder for another week and I'm set to go</option>
<option>a bit of a laugh</option>
<option>to enter "4 8 15 16 23 42" into my command prompt every 108th minute</option>
<option>to engage in homicidal behavior on a massive scale. It can not be corrected but I have no other way to fulfill my needs</option>
<option>to finish that annoying Zork game on that Uncyclopedia website I told you about yesterday (it's driving me crazy, it's like no matter what you do, you'll ALWAYS end up being eaten by a grue!)</option>
<option>a dirty magazine, my right hand and a toilet paper — that's all it takes, really</option>
<option>to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly</option>
<option>to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly</option>
<option>more cowbell</option>
</choose>. 
I want to tell you that I think you are <choose>
<option>really quite adequate</option>
<option>a..well...um...okay, nice...yeah...maybe</option>
<option>not the worst lover I ever had, but that would be a bald-faced lie</option>
<option>composed mainly of various carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, iron, copper, magnesium, sulfur, calcium, potassium, iodine, sodium and silicon compounds (well, duh...)</option>
<option>a fucking ugly bitch, and I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood</option>
<option>a mammal</option>
<option>like an impudent grain of sand, warring against a raging ocean</option>
<option>evil incarnate</option>
<option>evil and manipulative</option>
<option>a real pain in the ass</option>
<option>in need of some serious physical therapy against your hideous acid breath</option>
<option>the creep who's making all those nightly phone calls where only heavy breathing is heard</option>
<option>a Cylon imposter</option>
<option>a Terminator sent from the future to kill me</option>
<option>like a senile old parrot</option>
<option>the Mr. Hyde to my Doctor Jekyll</option>
<option>my repressed feminine side</option>
<option>my repressed masculine side</option>
<option>the true identity of the Zodiac Killer</option>
<option>my personal Jiminy Cricket</option>
<option>going to get coal for Christmas this year, being as naughty as you are</option>
<option>the unidentified person I ran over with my truck at 10:40 P.M. yesterday</option>
<option>going to find out that the anthrax I've contaminated this letter with might be quite unpleasant once it's started to take hold on you</option>
<option>not as strong in the Force as the Emperor thought</option>
<option>...more than passable</option>
<option>so incredibly full of shit that it's a miracle that you haven't exploded into a cascading rivulet of foul smelling excrements yet</option>
<option>Jimbo</option>
<option>not as good looking as your MySpace photo made it appear</option>
<option>...exceedingly punctual</option>
<option>the worst Tetris player ever</option>
<option>...unusually odorous, in a good way... sometimes</option>
<option>strangely charismatic, considering your freakishly odd appearance</option>
<option>exceptionally undistinguished, in a boring, non-threatening way</option>
<option>perfectly looking, at least according to Neptunian standards</option>
<option>...alive and breathing</option>
<option>a virgin</option>
<option>dumb as a rock</option>
<option>at least somewhat humanoid looking (which is about the only thing you have in common with mainstream humanity)</option>
<option>...good at Scrabble, if slightly obsessed with it</option>
<option>on my long list of middle-rated and easily forgotten ex's</option>
</choose>, but I don't think we're right for each other. 
First of all, we're not really compatible. You are <choose>
<option>the latest addition to my evergrowing list of people I'm planning to kill</option>
<option>a pederast</option>
<option>an agnostic</option>
<option>a Nazi war criminal</option>
<option>not even real, just a Sim character I created last week in The Sims 3</option>
<option>one of Evil Bert's sinister henchmen</option>
<option>so fat that Jupiter orbits around you sometimes</option>
<option>the only one in the world who actually thinks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are funny</option>
<option>a card-carrying member of the Hair Club for Men</option>
<option>an atheist</option>
<option>a satanist</option>
<option>a pedophile</option>
<option>a Democrat</option>
<option>nothing</option>
<option>nobody</option>
<option>an epic fail</option>
<option>a blathering windbag who needs a nice big cup of shut the fuck up</option>
<option>the demi-duchess of Kumswalla</option>
<option>heiress to the throne of Rondark</option>
<option>the disembodied head of Patrick Duffy</option>
<option>the flesh and blood scion of the Devil himself</option>
<option>a good-for-nothing crack whore</option>
<option>a balloon animal fan</option>
<option>a furry</option>
<option>from another dimension</option>
<option>a Sagittarius</option>
<option>committed, literally</option>
<option>possessed by Pazuzu</option>
<option>wanted in nineteen states</option>
<option>under surveillance by the CIA</option>
<option>scared of sheep</option>
</choose>, 
and I am <choose>
<option>the creep who has been sending you human ears every Friday for the last eight months</option>
<option>that lonely obsessed stalker who refused to just settle for your autograph</option>
<option>not you</option>
<option>stuck in an elevator with Alessandra Ambrosio (OK, the first part is true, the second is just me daydreaming)</option>
<option>stuck in an elevator and slowly succumbing to my own flatulence (since I had nothing but pea soup and brown beans this morning)</option>
<option>a serial killer convicted for the deaths of people</option>
<option>into bodysurfing</option>
<option>enigmatic</option>
<option>an Uncyclopedia in-joke</option>
<option>hypersexual</option>
<option>a fucked-up loser who only likes to hang around you because of your money</option>
<option>your Siamese twin</option>
<option>on my own plane of psychological existence</option>
<option>pregnant</option>
<option>allergic to air</option>
<option>a mother of two-and-a-half</option>
<option>the main character in a really crappy pulp horror novel about rabid watermelons</option>
<option>really your split personality, writing letters to itself and pretending to be an actual person</option>
<option>a Mousketeer</option>
<option>into streaking</option>
<option>fucked up for life after 15 years of heavy heroin abuse</option>
<option>your father</option>
<option>Republican</option>
<option>deaf, dumb and blind</option>
<option>an amateur weightlifter</option>
<option>the one who slipped rohypnol into your Bloody Mary last month</option>
<option>a nun</option>
<option>Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next</option>
<option>suicidal</option>
<option>addicted to raspberry muffins</option>
<option>vastly less intelligent than that</option>
<option>vastly more intelligent than that</option>
<option>a grue and will certainly eat you the next time we meet</option>
<option>worried about it</option>
<option>a champion pie eating finalist</option>
<option>scared of donuts</option>
<option>a schoolgirl</option>
<option>a member of a religion that has repeatedly confirmed that people like that are going to burn in hell</option>
<option>on drugs</option>
<option>everything you will never be</option>
<option>not</option>
<option>all that and more</option>
<option>angry</option>
<option>disappointed</option>
<option>not the type of person to be running around screaming that I have a "relationship"</option>
</choose>. 
You like <choose>
<option>stamp collecting</option>
<option>navel lint collecting</option>
<option>urine sample collecting</option>
<option>projectile vomiting</option>
<option>guessing the weight of elderly women</option>
<option>groping fresh produce</option>
<option>fondling barnyard animals</option>
<option>attacking clergymen</option>
<option>playing Worms 3D</option>
<option>harassing sleeping rottweilers</option>
<option>to sabotage ice hockey matches by repeatedly throwing out extra pucks onto the rink</option>
<option>stomping on turtles after eating mushrooms</option>
<option>beating yourself up in front of a mirror</option>
<option>sprinting through morning traffic while on fire</option>
<option>flicking staples at livestock</option>
<option>bathing in gasoline</option>
<option>flaying lambs</option>
<option>forcing naughty school children to read the Necronomicon</option>
<option>using magnifying glasses to kill aunts</option>
<option>wearing my knickers on your noggin</option>
<option>toying with mousetraps</option>
<option>imitating 50s actors while shoe shopping</option>
<option>sucking off the black guy that mows your lawn</option>
<option>bothering foraging bears</option>
<option>other men</option>
<option>caressing lamp accessories</option>
<option>trying to fit inside sewer drains</option>
<option>traveling to other cities and showing up uninvited at total strangers' birthday parties</option>
<option>bungee jumping from church steeples</option>
<option>smoking banana peels</option>
<option>laying on the floor with all the lights off</option>
<option>having sex in dumpsters</option>
</choose>, <choose>
<option>filling stuffed animals with ice cream</option>
<option>tripping on your own shoelaces on purpose just so you can blame the Jews for it</option>
<option>contemplating suicide (but always being so damned indecisive)</option>
<option>peeling watermelons</option>
<option>juggling chainsaws</option>
<option>stabbing yourself with carrots</option>
<option>dating circus midgets</option>
<option>gay midgets</option>
<option>harassing sheep until they explode</option>
<option>pretending to be Captain America</option>
<option>masturbating to gardening shows</option>
<option>painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs</option>
<option>lassoing people on subway cars</option>
<option>talking like Captain Kirk</option>
<option>huffing kittens</option>
<option>carving CD's into lethal shurikens with which to... kill people</option>
<option>scratching yourself publicly</option>
<option>big butts</option>
<option>recording your own toilet visits and sharing it on file sharing networks as MP3's wrongfully named as famous songs</option>
<option>pushing unsuspecting tourists off from very high places and watching them fall</option>
<option>putting things on springs</option>
<option>bobbing for old tires in the East River</option>
<option>insult sword fighting</option>
<option>dressing up as yourself during Halloween</option>
<option>playing with your pasta meals until it looks like the Flying Spaghetti Monster before proceeding to eat it</option>
</choose>, and <choose>
<option>sewing extra limbs onto your body</option>
<option>watching animal porn</option>
<option>you cannot lie, the other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung</option>
<option>smelling your fingers</option>
<option>smelling other people's fingers</option>
<option>recommending suicide as the only viable cure for hiccups</option>
<option>releasing frogs into preschool kitchens</option>
<option>belly-button sniffing</option>
<option>nibbling off wires to public computers at libraries and Internet cafés</option>
<option>biking against red light at rush hour</option>
<option>disturbing annual sci-fi conventions with whistles and cymbals</option>
<option>accusing comatose patients of laziness</option>
<option>igniting your own fart</option>
<option>genitally piercing unsuspecting strangers in unemployment line queues</option>
<option>practicing surgery on household pests</option>
<option>dissecting frogs with butterknives</option>
<option>making faces at babies until they cry</option>
<option>arguing with the voices only you can hear over dinner plans</option>
<option>feeding rice to sea gulls</option>
<option>playing King Kong with dollhouses in toystores (and going to jail for it)</option>
<option>writing love letters to Bob Saget</option>
<option>filling guinea pigs with helium</option>
<option>watching DaxFlame on YouTube while singing "Lucy in the Sky of Diamonds"</option>
<option>gas tungsten arc welding</option>
<option>finding out a random victim's e-mail address and subscribe it to every advertisement letter you can find</option>
</choose>, 
and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.
How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date <choose>
<option>other people</option>
<option>people without AIDS</option>
<option>other species</option>
<option>for the hell of it. It's not like we don't both have herpes</option>
<option>on Friday and then try to kill each other through strangulation (or with knives) just for fun</option>
<option>our own mirror images</option>
<option>each other as soon as possible, since the Internet connection on my computer isn't working, and I figured I could browse through your computer during our "date"</option>
<option>again, but in another life — preferably a previous one</option>
<option>again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get your brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing</option>
<option>on different continents</option>
<option>on other planets</option>
<option>— oh wait, I meant to write "hate" of course</option>
<option>but only so I'll get another shot at killing your for real</option>
<option>each other's pets</option>
<option>in Hell, after killing each other</option>
<option>virtualized Sim replicas of each other</option>
<option>when Hell freezes over</option>
<option>each other sometime in the next millennia</option>
<option></option>
<option>everyone else in the world, just to find out the answer — or at least I should, you have no hope on that score</option>
<option>again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes</option>
<option>just as long as you are willing to spend half your life hanging by your pinkie toes, for that's the type of torture I have planned for you.</option>
<option>our respective parents, if only so we can feel unfaithful again</option>
</choose>. 
But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever <choose>
<option>my herpes sores erupt</option>
<option>I cut myself before I go to sleep</option>
<option>I forget what your name was</option>
<option>I see a couple screaming at each other in public</option>
<option>I want to remember what suffering feels like</option>
<option>I need someone to help me move</option>
<option>Saturn orbits Pluto</option>
<option>I throw up</option>
<option>I practice knife stabbing on mannequin dolls</option>
<option>I completely run out of other, far more important things to think about</option>
<option>I desperately try another time traveling session to prevent the sad chain of events that led me to meet you in the first place</option>
<option>a six-legged rhinoceros flies by</option>
<option>I do sadistic things to your digital duplicate in The Sims 3</option>
<option>I run around screaming and foaming in my padded cell</option>
<option>I spy on your naked self with the hidden camera I've installed in your shower stall</option>
<option>I need to steal borrow some cash from someone</option>
<option>someone jokingly claims that there's a monster standing behind me</option>
<option>I'm having another period of severe psychotic breakdown</option>
<option>I sharpen my hunting knife out in the garage</option>
<option>I find another piece of Titanic buried in my backyard</option>
<option>I dig your cold, dead body up again to have sex with you</option>
<option>I spy on you and your secret lover with the telescope from the treehouse across the street</option>
<option>someone asks me why I'm such a cold, heartless, cat-owning woman (sniff)</option>
<option>I see someone wearing radish earrings and a butterbeer cork necklace</option>
<option>I walk past the ape cages at the zoo</option>
<option>the hypnotism I'm paying for wears off</option>
<option>I've consumed rohypnol and Vodka</option>
<option>I've poured rohypnol into your cocktail again</option>
<option>I wiretap your telephone calls</option>
<option>I'm too lazy to clean my dishes by myself</option>
<option>I need another scullery maid</option>
<option>I'm pissed off</option>
<option>someone asks me to define the word "ugliness"</option>
<option>someone asks me to define the word "pointless"</option>
<option>someone asks me to define the word "retarded"</option>
<option>someone asks me to define the word "promiscuous"</option>
<option>someone asks me if I've ever picked up a hitchhiker I really regret picking up</option>
<option>I make additions to my personal list of people I intend to kill</option>
<option>my house is in need of some serious cleaning up</option>
<option>I smell that characteristic composite stench of rotten eggs, garlic and blue cheese again</option>
<option>and wherever. Just joshing you. You suck</option>
<option>there are blue whales swimming in my goldfish bowl</option>
<option>someone asks me what the ultimate expression of the ongoing cultural and genetic decay of humanity is</option>
<option>I go on another nightly tour to quench my vampiric thirst for human blood</option>
<option>I'm solving a crossword and have to come up with a synonym for the word "stupid"</option>
<option>I watch Aphex Twin's music video for Windowlicker and the "hot babe" turns around</option>
<option>someone mentions the words "obesity", "fat" and/or "pig" in my presence</option>
<option>someone mentions the words "anorexia", "bulimia" and/or "starvation" in my presence</option>
<option>someone mentions the words "ugly", "useless" and/or "stupid" in my presence</option>
<option>someone mentions the words "two", "inch" and "penis" in my presence</option>
<option>someone mentions the words "seven and half", "inch" and "cock" in my presence</option>
<option>I need to tell my side of the story on Jerry Springer</option>
<option>it is that I need to confess my most heinous sins on my deathbed</option>
<option>the police ask me where I bought the stuff</option>
<option>my girlfriends and I are trading stories on our worst sexual experiences</option>
<option>I finally track you down and kill you</option>
<option>I want to, which isn't often</option>
<option>I assassinate an infidel</option>
<option>I need a good laugh</option>
<option>I must scream for help because someone has raped me (again)</option>
</choose>.''
I'd really like us to become <choose>
<option>nihilistic Al-Qaeda terrorists and blow up everything that moves</option>
<option>the de facto lead couple in one of those crappy never ending sitcoms that plays annoying canned laughter after every damn sentence, be it funny or not</option>
<option>engaged in a brutal medieval fight to the death with the good ole' armour, horse and lances (but only if I get to win)</option>
<option>acquaintances</option>
<option>an African-American comedy duo</option>
<option>people that pretend not to know each other</option>
<option>people that pretend they never dated</option>
<option>people that ignore each other in public</option>
<option>born-again strangers</option>
<option>that kind of insufferable cinemagoers who've read the plot in advance and sit and yell out spoilers throughout the film to the annoyance of everyone else</option>
<option>theatrical actors in a Romeo & Juliet play, except we'll kill ourselves for real in the end just for the sake of realism</option>
<option>supervillains and plot to conquer the world together (after which I will kill you as there can only be one true Master)</option>
<option>snobbish self-styled intellectuals who always change the subject to 19th century Russian literature in order to look smart everytime a third person approaches</option>
<option>ultranerds who always write in leet speech and use Internet abbreviations such as LOL, ITA, IIRC, YMMV and IMHO in common speech</option>
<option>Siamese twins (we might have to undergo an extensive surgery for that though)</option>
<option>permanently estranged</option>
<option>a Heathcliff and Catherine-like ghost couple and creep out softhearted onlookers in our restless afterlife</option>
<option>friends, but I think that won't happen. I'd rather not speak to you again</option>
<option>bitter enemies, constantly plotting each other's downfall until one of us (preferably me) succeeds, giving that person (again, preferably me) the opportunity to engage in stereotypical maniacal laughter</option>
<option>partners in crime and rob helpless old ladies of their retirement savings</option>
<option>partners in crime and steal candy from helpless little kids</option>
<option>slowly solidified into a kind of buttery jell</option>
<option>old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again</option>
<option>jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways</option>
<option>road sweepers or something</option>
</choose>,''
if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. 
We had some good times, <choose>
<option>or so we'll pretend</option>
<option>pretending we're screwing someone else</option>
<option>I think</option>
<option>unless I was just dreaming</option>
<option>at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really)</option>
<option>with that goat up in the Himalayas</option>
<option>well, no... but no-one else has to know that</option>
<option>while we were three thousand miles away from each other</option>
<option>but then I woke up and realised that it was just a dream</option>
<option>before we ended up in Hell together</option>
<option>before I decided to read through your diary last week</option>
<option>before the psychiatrist told me that you're just a figment of my imagination</option>
<option>before the psychiatrist told me that you were my split personality all along</option>
<option>way back in the 60's during Woodstock</option>
<option>assuming that "good times" is just another way of saying "total suckage"</option>
<option>before the police accidentally found the body hidden in your closet</option>
<option>up until the effect of the morphine wore off</option>
<option>which lasted until you unexpectedly woke up from your coma</option>
<option>during my opiate daydream earlier today, after which I woke up to the cold and harsh reality again</option>
<option>I assume, in some other more cheerful reality among the infinite number of alternate universes out there</option>
<option>even if they only lasted a few microseconds</option>
<option>at least before we met</option>
<option>my left hand and I</option>
<option>at least during those many hours of drug and alcohol induced unconsciousness</option>
<option>nah; I'm just screwing with you</option>
<option>at least while we were in separate cells at the police station</option>
<option>five past seven on Sunday November 3, 2003 springs to mind, for instance</option>
<option>before you decided to become yourself and get to be so much of a stuck-up prig</option>
</choose>.''
Take care of yourself and never forget <choose>
<option>our honeymoon </option>
<option>all the people we've killed together</option>
<option>that every time you masturbate, Friedrich Nietzsche kills God</option>
<option>the restraining order the judge issued against you</option>
<option>that every time you see a rainbow, someone is having gay sex</option>
<option>how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog</option>
<option>that I'm no longer in a coma</option>
<option>that Soylent Green tastes like spinach</option>
<option>that I still have your diary and can at any time mail the most embarrassing parts (like the chapter about the summer of '04) of it to The New York Times</option>
<option>that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise</option>
<option>to double-bag "Uncle Willy" from now on</option>
<option>to write down the number of every donkey cart that hits you</option>
<option>that everything in this letter was a lie</option>
<option>the hard work of the ten million chained up monkeys with typewriters that wrote this letter</option>
<option>that the world is going to end unless you enter the code "4 8 15 16 23 42" into the micro-computer every 108th minute</option>
<option>that it's going to take more than a restraining order to keep me away from our children — they are mine too and I will not be denied them</option>
<option>that you've only got one bullet left, it's going to take more than that to stop me</option>
<option>that every time you wish for coal as a Christmas present, you'll get porridge instead</option>
<option>that I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it</option>
<option>that pushing Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start on your keyboard may be fatal to your health</option>
<option>that you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime</option>
<option>that I'm much happier without you</option>
<option>that your psychiatrist thinks you're a jerk too</option>
<option>that I have your son and will kill him unless you transfer five million dollars to my bank account by next Thursday</option>
<option>that each day of your life may be the last as long as I'm around</option>
<option>that I know where you live, your name and what you look like, so beware</option>
<option>that I'm being entirely serious</option>
<option>that despite all the nonsense I've written in this letter, I'm still going to track you down and kill you</option>
<option>to eat your vegetables</option>
<option>that I have the and is thus the supreme being of this universe</option>
<option>that the xenomorph implanted in your chest is going to erupt and kill you violently within two hours</option>
<option>to brush your teeth. Oh wait; you don't have any, you toothless old fuck</option>
<option>your true place in life (which is at my feet, groveling in abject obedience)</option>
<option>where you leave the keys. Honestly, those things are are a PAIN to find again</option>
<option>that time when I showed everyone a picture of your penis. That was funny</option>
<option>to have your pets sprayed and neutered</option>
</choose>.''
<choose>
<option>Yours truly</option>
<option>God save the Queen</option>
<option>Affectionally yours</option>
<option>Bork, bork, bork</option>
<option>Tell your mom I said hi</option>
<option>Police be upon you</option>
<option>Auf wiedersehen</option>
<option>Greetings</option>
<option>Fuck off</option>
<option>Have a nice day</option>
<option>Bye</option>
<option>Beep beep, Richie</option>
<option>Good luck with your castrated penis</option>
<option>Seize the day (since tomorrow will be your last day alive)</option>
<option>May the Force be with you</option>
<option>Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul</option>
<option>Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam</option>
<option>Allah Ackbar</option>
<option>God bless you</option>
<option>Caió</option>
<option>See you in the afterlife, bitch</option>
<option>Badger Badger Badger</option>
<option>All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy</option>
<option>42</option>
<option>Good luck with the police at your door</option>
<option>See you in Hell</option>
<option>Sieg Heil</option>
<option>So where the bloody Hell are you?</option>
<option>Yippee ki yay, motherfucker</option>
<option>Live long and prosper</option>
<option>Cheers</option>
<option>Namaste, and good luck</option>
<option>Respect to the man in the ice cream van</option>
<option>Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year</option>
<option>Viva la revolution</option>
<option>Fuck you</option>
<option>Adios</option>
<option>Tonight we dine in Hell</option>
<option>Happy Thanksgiving</option>
<option>Living is easy with eyes closed</option>
<option>I hate you</option>
<option>Ding dong, the witch is dead</option>
<option>I hope you get some sick</option>
<option>go eat shit fuckers</option>
<option>Hasta la Vista Baby!</option>
<option>Good bye and good riddance!</option>
<option>Pa Pa</option>
<option>Toodle Pip</option>
<option>Toodles</option>
<option>Stop by sometime</option>
<option>That'll teach you</option>
<option>Farewell For Ever</option>
</choose>,''
~ <choose>
<option>Conomor the Cursed</option>
<option>The "I Like Cheese Monthly" Editor</option>
<option>Your new ex</option>
<option>Anonymous</option>
<option>The queen of Doggerland</option>
<option>Grand Admiral of Switzerland</option>
<option>Everyone else</option>
<option>The Pope</option>
<option>Name and address withheld</option>
<option>DJ Pie Safety</option>
<option>Your former sister-in-law</option>
<option>Your sister</option>
<option>The itsy bitsy spider</option>
<option>Lara Bingle</option>
<option>The Lord of the Rings</option>
<option>Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds</option>
<option>The Joker</option>
<option>Dalai Llama</option>
<option>Cato the Elder</option>
<option>Your split personality</option>
<option>Your abusive stepfather</option>
<option>Brother Eggs-over-easy</option>
<option>A cast of thousands</option>
<option>Mom</option>
<option>Captain Obvious</option>
<option>Your sycophantic lodger whom you will never be rid of</option>
<option>Your favorite drugdealer</option>
<option>The unmentionable one</option>
<option>Your future self</option>
<option>Your Siamese twin</option>
<option>Yet Another Anonymous Sex Partner</option>
<option>You, before you became amnesiac</option>
<option>Jane</option>
<option>God</option>
<option>Your intestinal parasite</option>
<option>Captain Oblivious</option>
<option>4.252.99.182</option>
<option>Bruce Wayne</option>
<option>Your alternate reality granddaughter</option>
<option>(name is not important as we are all so much more than our names)</option>
<option>Sheila (my street name)</option>
<option>[Insert name of author here]</option>
<option>(Jenny is being disconnected, so don't try calling)</option>
<option>The big guy, with the axe, in the cupboard, just behind you</option>
<option>Tiddles</option>
<option>Alan Smithee</option>
<option>The daemon swineherd in the twilit grotto</option>
<option>The Speaking Clock</option>
<option>The Samaritans</option>
<option>Quinn the eskimo</option>
<option>Norman Bates</option>
<option>Hannibal Lecter</option>
<option>The collective members of your band</option>
<option>That Guy</option>
<option>That old woman next door</option>
<option>Princess Peach</option>
<option>Sailor Moon</option> 
<option>Your very dissatisfied penis</option>
<option>George Philipp Telemann</option> 
<option>Princess Peach</option>
<option>Concerned Citizen</option>
<option>A million monkeys hitting randomly on typewriters</option>
</choose>.''
<choose>
<option weight=50></option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. You forgot your dildo at my place when you visited me last Sunday. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. I accidentally dropped your cat into a bowl of hydrochloric acid yesterday. I'm afraid she got sent to the cornfield. Sorry about that. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. This is what the alphabet would look like without Q and R. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. You left your Britney Spears album here yesterday. Heck, do you actually listen to that crap? D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. I think I ran over your mom with my car earlier today. At least I think it was her, but there wasn't much left to identify... D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. I just found out that I have AIDS. That probably means you have it too. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. It was me who assassinated J.F. Kennedy. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. Can I borrow 5 bucks? D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. You're fired! D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. Oops, I almost forgot to mention that you have brain cancer. See the X-Ray I attached to this letter.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. I am your father. Search your feelings - you know it to be true. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. That was an Amanita virosa (destroying angel) you ate yesterday, not a button mushroom as I thought. Oops, I guess I'm really bad with mushrooms... D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. Give me five million dollars now, or I'll scratch my own eyeballs out. Just kidding, he he he! I bet you fell for that one. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. I have two tickets to and was wondering if you'd like to come with me? You know, just in memory of the good 'ol days? D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. Do you remember that VHS tape I showed you yesterday, the one with a towel-headed man and a well? If so, you now have six days left to live. Life's a bitch, ain't she? D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. They're coming to take me away! D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. Do you know what the blue rhino said to the green elephant? If so, write it to me in return, because I don't. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. You are the one billionth person to read this letter. Click here to receive your prize! D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. It was me who raped your little sister last summer. I hope you'll one day forgive me. D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. I poured some arsenic into your food yesterday. Shows what I think of infidelity, you unfaithful wench! D.S.</option>
<option weight=2>
P.S. Remember to drink the nut-flavored tea I poured you today. D.S.</option>
</choose>''
Category:Relationships
Category:Pages that look like the things they're about
Category:Articles written in the style of letters
Category:Articles written in the first person
Category:FA Literature and writing‏
Category:FA Sex‏
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