James Woods

James Woods needs more cowbell. You can help James Woods by [ adding more cowbell.]
James "He Who Shall Not Be Named" Woods (Born April 18 1947) was an award winning television and film actor, father of two, and Gnostic overlord of the "Onion field".
== Biography == 
=== Early Life ===
Birthed by the Gnostic Goddess Sophia in an attempt to combine both her powers and that of the father, who was known as Knarloc, or David Hasselhoff, within their child and use him to destroy the Overlord of the Universe. Hasselhoff had no part to play in the plan, just in makin' lurve. 
This plan was somewhat hindered by their child born deformed, with his arms constantly folded, one occasionally moving to point at someone or aid the effect of a sarcastic comment. 
And so Woods was immediately noticed as a being of evil and tossed to the farthest corner of the universe forever. In his anger, Woods greatly weakened himself by creating a planet of his own to reside over, which he named "Onion field", or as we would call it, Earth.
=== The Use Of Knowledge ===
After thousands of years, the Overlord used his sexual prowess to win over the corrupted Sophia's heart. He learnt from her that her demented son had created a race of beings and and planet to torture with various natural disasters, wars, and Tom Cruise. 
The Overlords overwhelming compassion drove him to "onion field" and upon arrival he revealed himself to be a one Christopher Walken, Overlord of the universe, cinema, and culinary delights.
He attempted to free the people of "onion field" through the secret knowledge of cinema. Woods, having wasted most of his power creating the planet, was never much competition, and was losing his arrogant flock to the God of cinema. It would appear that he was truly defeated.
=== The Birthmother ===
Desperate not to lose the fight, Woods turned to his last resort. An ancient being known as the Birthmother would allow him to reenact his mothers original plan of combining two Gods to make an uber-being.
This unfortunately involved having sex with Rosanne Barr, something Woods was not so keen on, naturally.
But nonetheless, for the cause. Afterwards, both members of the party were violently ill. But from her birthed a great being, Steve Martin. He almost decimated Walken and sent him into hiding. He failed only because of ultra-Jesus who weakened him, and Walken who defeated him in hand to hand combat through the ancient methods of "Jedi-Kung-Foo".
=== The Last Chance ===
Woods, weakened and upset by the failure of his son, sacrificed him to the demi-god William Shatner, whose only ability was to make everyone else as pointless as him. 
This is otherwise known as the unbirthing.
And with a minor explosion and the Canadian national anthem, the world shook, and all the beings were now trapped on "onion field" and in their human bodies. 
Woods retreated to a late night CSI wannabe television show hoping not to be found by Walken and his newly formed league of justice. He's recently fallen ill with a sickness, and that sickness has but one cure. Cowbell
== Filmography ==
Nothing much worth mentioning but perhaps "Once upon a time in America" and "Salvador." Both were actually saved by co-actors and directors. Throughout the filming of the movie "Contact" Jodie Foster threatened to sue Mr. Woods due to the fact that he would not stop resembling an Isosceles Triangle between takes.
I agree with Oscar Wilde, however, and he was quite good in Hercules.
== Later Life ==
Woods was trying to find a new apprentice, specifically without having to go within 3 feet of Rosanne again due to the fact that so many who tried this before were inadvertently and helplessly drawn into Ms. Barr's gravitational pull. 
This of course proved quite challenging, as Rosanne is within 3 feet of everyone. Look out your window. Think that's the sky your seeing now? Nope, she's just wearing a colorful shirt.
He has had two children that were produced asexually after a late evening in which he consumed a turkey sandwich after twelve o'clock. (See Gremlins)
He has since killed 78 people since his Unbirthing, purely by being exceeding scathingly sarcastic until they either kill themselves, or merely implode into microscopic pieces.
He has recently backed Steven Seagal in the Chuck Norris vs Everyone war, in which odds are Everyone will lose. But Woods always picks the losing side. Just look at his career. Seriously, look at it. His agent turned down the role for Mr. Orange. Seriously, turned it down. Actually did. Seriously.
He choked to death on an Everlasting Gobstopper and his ashes-urn was subsequently interred in Michael Jackson's hyperbaric chamber for eternity.
== Trivia ==
*Woods once had surgery to deal with his "folded arm" issue, but it resulted only in the death of the surgeon, nearby patients and woodland creatures.
*The answer to the witty retort "Does a bear shit in the Woods?" was once answered. He was not a happy man.
*Woods, once bored with his human form, gave money to charity. He immediately went about getting it back by burning down the church it went to and killing all nearby villagers with a catering tray. He then lost the money in a [poker] game.
*Woods owns an extensive paperclip collection.
*Woods has only had sexual intercourse on three occasions. Once with Rosanne Barr, once with Bette Milder on the set of Hocus Pocus because he mistook her for his long lost mother and once with himself. He enjoyed none of the above.
*Woods is one of the Members of the Generally Super Evil Villain League, along with Kevin Spacey and Satan
*Woods is NOT actually dead! His clone is the one who choked.
== See Also ==
*Asexually
*Christopher Walken
*Chuck Norris
*Steven Seagal
Category:American actors
Category:Better than you
Category:The Al Pacino Academy of Shouting