The DARK secrets of Super Mario 3D World

As Nintendo wants us to continue acknowledging 3D World's existence, I might as well answer a few questions about the hidden deep lore of the game.
Mario 3D World is about Mario's sexual awakening as a furry. The seeds were already planted in 3D Land when he used illegal tanuki fur to play out his sick fetish, but he becomes less anthropomorphic and more animal. He crawls on all fours and constantly meows, knowing that his degeneracy is costing him his humanity. That's not all, his friends have adopted this mindset. The difference between Mario and his new fursona is that while Mario has restraint, "Cat Mario" is a vicious beast that slashes at anything it deems a threat. This alter ego eventually split apart and started The Cat Mario Show, which brought him much success, but Cat Peach left to become a professional kart racer and had an affair with Jibanyan's brother. Which one? It's not clear. Eventually Mario merged once again with Cat Mario to form LION MARIO, a creature powered by Chaos Emeralds.
The Green Stars are aspects of Luigi's soul, not the focal point Luigi, no. Parallel Luigi, a Luigi that is slightly shorter and does not talk at all. This Parallel Luigi exists in a world where Mario never existed, and is the star of New Super Luigi U. (Don't ask how he has the same proportions as Prime Luigi, just believe me.) After the failure that was the Wii U and the Year of Luigi not garnering enough sales, Reggie split Luigi across time and space, his components becoming the Green Stars and the 8 bit Luigis. Once all of them are collected, Parallel Luigi is restored, and travels back in time to 1993 using Mario's time machine, warping his physical appearance in the process and creating a Twisted Mario to accompany him. This is how Weegee and Malleo were born.
The Sprixies are the result of a massive inbreeding between Toads, Subcons, and Pixls. As such, they were banished to the farthest reaches of the Subcon kingdom where their horniness could last them generations. Bowser, being angry that Princess Peach won't have sex with him, decides to capture these things in a cum jar, and plans to drown them individually in his semen. After 6 worlds of putting up with Mario's bullshit, he decides to put them in a huge cum jar, since he didn't masturbate as much his dick has more semen than if he beat it daily. Once the Sprixies are freed from a life of perpetual splooge, they build Mario and his friends the Moonliner prop in Tomorrowland in order to appease Rosalina.
Why's Rosalina in this game? She just wanted to have fun. That's it.
After Bowser proudly outed himself as a furry, the next thing he would have to do is announce him being gay. Thus he went to Port Prisma near Isle Delfino to use the paint aspects to give his shell a rainbow paint job. After years of being ridiculed as "Gay Bowser" he decided to own up to the meme, but the paint became an OIL-like substance, and the inky OIL took over Bowser, making him into a vessel of a matter most dark. While Mario did beat it out of him, like he does to anything if it's brainwashed or possessed or even a bit mad at him, the OIL lingered. Remnants of Fawful inside Bowser linked to the OIL and became the Fury inside him. The rage consumed Bowser and he stormed off to Lake Lapcat, knowing about the usual rain cycle. With the OIL now flowing through him, all he needed to do was cause an OIL spill and wait for it to rain. With the rain coming down, OIL Bowser gained Godlike Hax and became THE GOD SHATTERING SHELL. With the essence of Aku and Dark Matter (with Fawful tagging along) controlling him, Mario used Chaos Energy to beat the devil out of Bowser.
The stamps are failed copies of characters, similar to Parallel Luigi. They are Cherry Clones that perished and their souls are stamped into the stamps as a means of punishment. Their screams fall upon the deaf ears of Miiverse.
Anyway, that concludes my lecture. Tune in next month when I talk about how the events of Crash Warped caused the Industrial Revolution!
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