Jeff Doesn't Know Jack

Jeff stumbled into the woods. It was a dull night. The house he chose for the evening's fun had been empty, not even a family pet. Jeff finished the bottle of cheap whiskey he took from the house
"Didn't even have any good booze" he muttered as he tossed the empty bottle. He needed to kill something soon.
A heavy fog crept in as Jeff tried to find his way back to the house he was staying in. A small hunting cabin that had been as empty as his target that night. Too long without killing something was making Jeff edgy.
"Where the hell is it?" Jeff wondered aloud. All the fog made it difficult to see
"Jeff the Killer" spoke in a low, deep voice.
Jeff turned to see a small man dressed in what looked like a black robe sitting at the base of a tree. The man's face was hidden by the robes. Jeff walked closer, he could make out red and green stripes running along the edge of the robe.
"Well, looks like my luck is changing," said Jeff as he charged at the man and thrust his knife into the man's head. Much to Jeff's shock, he didn't feel his blade hit flesh, instead, it seemed as if the robe absorbed his blade. Jeff jumped back as his knife disappeared into the folds of the man's clothing
"ho, ho, ho," the man chuckled "No mortal weapon can harm me."
The man stood, but his face was still hidden
"Jeff the Killer," he said "I have a task for you, complete it and you will be rewarded with riches beyond your wildest dreams"
Jeff noticed he spoke with a strong accent, he sounded maybe Japanese but he wasn't sure
"I don't give a fuck about money," Jeff said
"Then I will provide you with victims, yes, succeed and I have great use for your talents." replied the man he reached into his robe and pulled out a bottle
"This is the most potent drink in all the universe," he said offering it to Jeff "Take it as a token of my appreciation"
Jeff carefully took the bottle. He pulled off the cap and took a swig. The buzz hit him like a freight train, it a was like nothing he had ever had before "Well?" the man asked
"Alright," Jeff said, "You got a deal, what do you want?"
"Excellent!" the man exclaimed "Go deeper into these woods, there you will find a man dressed in white, slay him and take his sword and his head. I will know if it is done"
"Alright, and when I gut him..." started Jeff
"I will make sure you received what has been promised to you" finished the man as he handed Jeff back his knife. "Be warned, the fog in these woods is not natural. It..."
"I'm not scared of some fucking fog" Jeff replied cutting the man off
With another swing from his bottle, Jeff walked into the woods where the man had pointed.
The man watched as Jeff vanished into the fog "ho,ho,ho" he laughed "What will you do now
samurai?"
The fog was even thicker in the woods than it was before.
"How the hell am I supposed to find this guy?" Jeff wondered aloud,
"What's the matter, Jeff? Chickening out?" a voice called
Jeff turned "Who the fuck?"
The fog swirled and took the form of a boy.
"Randy?"Jeff asked.
"That's right, you pale-faced freak." taunted Randy
Jeff raised his knife "I always wanted to kill you again"
Jeff thrust his knife into Randy's chest. It passed harmlessly through the other boy's chest.
"That won't work Jeff' a deep voice called
Jeff turned to see a man and a woman standing to his right.
"Mom, Dad?" Jeff asked
"Jeff." his mother said "Why Jeff? We loved you"
Jeff didn't answer he looked at them for a moment, feeling something was missing. After a moment he asked, "Where the fuck is Liu?"
Jeff's parents stared at him
"We haven't seen Liu since that night" replied his father
The wheels in Jeff's mind began to turn, "Ohh" he said smiling "Did Liu survive?" he asked aloud
"Guess I need to fix that"
"Why Jeff?" his mother asked again
"Because I fucking wanted to," Jeff snapped.
Jeff was thinking about how to find Liu, when he heard another noise. The images of his parents and Randy vanished. He could hear someone walking toward him. After a few moments, Jeff saw a man dressed in white.
"Well, then," Jeff said, "Time to get to work."
Jeff walked in front of the man
"Look's like it's your unlucky day," Jeff taunted the man "Cause I'm here to kill you."
The mas studied Jeff silently, his face stern and unreadable. Jeff got a better look at the man. He was tall, with a square jaw and black hair set in a knot on the top of his head. He was dressed in a white robe with a sword at his side.
The man stood for a moment more, before altering his course to walk around Jeff.
"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Jeff said as the man passed him
"I do not fight children," the man said sternly "Run along"
"I'm not a child" Jeff shot back, his knife ready to strike. "I'm Jeff the fucking Killer!"
"I do not care what you call yourself" the man replied looking back at Jeff. "You are no warrior"
"No," said Jeff I'm a killer," Jeff thought of all his victims, if this idiot could only see how many people he had killed, the cocky asshole would be cowering in fear.
As if in response to his wish the fog around them took shape. Dozens of people appeared surrounding the two. The man in white looked shocked at the number of people, then they began to speak
"Why me?"
"What did I do?"
"I had just retired"
"I was engaged"
Were among the cries from Jeff's many victims. The man in white looked back at Jeff, his face shifted from surprised to fury.
"It would seem you live up to your name," he said. The man placed his hand on the sword at his side.
"I cannot permit you to claim any more victims
"You think you can stop me?" said Jeff, "I'm gonna gut you and bring your head to that guy in the black robe."
At the mention of the black robe, the man's eyes narrowed as if he understood everything
Jeff charged forward, knife at the ready to cut the man's throat.
The last sound Jeff heard was the sound of a sword being drawn from the sheath, the swoosh as it sliced the air and Jeff's neck. In one clean swing the man had drawn his sword and severed Jeff's head.
Jeff's head bounced twice after it hit the ground, then rolled against a tree and was still
The man cleaned his blade and replaced it in the sheath.
He looked at the images of Jeff's victims
"You have been avenged," the man said bowing "Rest now."
The ghostly images vanished. The man looked at Jeff's body one last time before continuing on his way
"Sending killer children now," the man said to himself "You're getting desperate Aku"
Somewhere else a large black figure watched the even play out. As Jeff's head fell to the ground his eyes went wide, then narrowed in rage
"Stupid Fish Boy!" Aku screamed at the image
He slumped back onto his throne,
"Well that was a failure," Aku said, he pulled out a book he had summoned from another dimension titled "Creepypasta Monster Guide"
Aku flipped through it "There's got to be something in here that can kill the samurai"
Aku looked a the table of context page "How many 'The Killers' are there?"
He started flipping to random chapters, hoping to find something that would beat his hated enemy "What the hell is a Smile Dog?"
"Eh" Aku said as one page caught his attention. He read the description of the beast carefully "WHAT?"
The page titled Slednerman, then further down referred to it as the "ultimate Evil"
"This Slenderman thinks he is more evil than I, The Master of Masters, the Deliver of Darkness, the Shogun Of Suffering?" Aku said as his rage built.
Aku paced back and forth before heading for the dimensional gate he originally pulled the book from
"The samurai can wait, I will see to this Slednerfool now!"
With that declaration, Aku vanished to confront his enemy.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:BATTELS
Category:Loads of Characters
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck