Eminem: Buried Alive

Eminem was always one of my favorite music artists growing up. I had all the album CDs, cassettes, and even the VHS tape with the old music videos that released in 2000. I fell off the Eminem hype train right before Encore came out. I was really into punk rock at the time and the singles that spawned from Encore didn't impress me at all, so I never kept up with Eminem after that. But today I was browsing around in an old record store and I came across some old Eminem albums. The Marshal Mathers LP and The Slim Shady LP were among the CD cases I came across and the memories came flooding back like a tidal wave. I hadn't listened to these records in close to 20 years, so I figured what the heck, I'll purchases these and revel in the nostalgia of my youth for a couple hours. I paid for the albums and walked out the door. As soon as I did, I bumped into my pastor on the sidewalk. 
"Pastor Dave!" I exclaimed nervously. "Hey Robert! What CDs did you buy today?" "Oh, uh...I bought this. It's pretty good." I reached my hand out of the bag and handed him a copy of The Marshall Mathers LP. Pastor Dave examined the album for several minutes before handing it back. "You know, Robert, this music is highly satanic and contains obscene vulgarities. I, as your pastor, advise you not to listen to the contents within this record. You'll be ringing Hell's Bell in no time if you do." Pastor Dave warned. "Well, I'm sorry Pastor Dave, but I can't help myself. This album just makes me feel nostalgic." I said defensively. "Hah, I know what you mean. When my son was your age, he used to listen to this guy's music all the time. It was like he could interpret his mind and know what he wanted to hear. But it's not good for the soul. You should really do away with these CDs, Rob." Pastor Dave gave me glare similar to that of a disappointed parent and walked away down the street. I shook my head as I walked toward the bus. I'm a grown man, and quite frankly, I'm gonna listen to whatever I want. 
I arrived at my trailer park home around sunset. The place was a wreck. Dishes were piled up everywhere, McDonald's wrappers littered the floor, and trash bags piled to the ceiling in the corner of the living room. I might as well do some cleaning while listening to these classic records. I hooked up my CD player from 2005 on the kitchen table then popped The Slim Shady LP disc right in. As I did this, I noticed something peculiar on the disc. There were several strange symbols around the circumference of the CD. I had never seen these symbols before, but they resembled crappy graphic arts that you'd find on an old pornography website. I pressed play and the CD began to spin. As the first track began to play, the creepy symbols began to flash on the CD player's small LCD screen. Whatever, probably just a glitch. It is an old CD after all. 
As soon as the intro track "Public Service Announcement" played, a wave of nostalgia hit me harder than my father did to me as a kid. It was so edgy, so cool, and so funny. This is why Eminem is the GOAT, and the first song hasn't even played yet! Speaking of which, the next track was the infamous "My Name Is." I remember this track helped me cope with the Columbine tragedy in 1999. It felt so good hearing it again after all these years. But 2 minutes into the song, the CD began skipping. Ugh, great. A scratched disc. Then the symbols on the LCD screen began to change and move. They seemed to form words, but these symbols were too small to make out. It almost looked like it said "fuckyou" in these little symbols. That wouldn't be too surprising, considering this CD was released in 1999. Probably just an edgy little easter egg. 
The next song that played was "Stan". Wait, "Stan"? This song didn't come out until The Marshal Mathers LP. How did it get on this disc? The song started off with the ominous sounds of rain, followed by a man, presumably Stan, crying. As the song continued, the symbols on the screen grew in size and began to form words. "H...e...ll...L..." Then Eminem began rapping, but many of the words and rhymes he was rapping were different from the original song. He was saying stuff like "I am the rap God / Don't believe me? Ask Korn" and "Skipping school to make a mixtape? / Yeah, I'm a fucking rebel." None of this had to do with Stan. It sounded like an unreleased freestyle over the Stan beat. I guess that's cool, but I really wanted to hear the original album of The Slim Shady LP. But whatever, I'll keep listening. 
At the 5 minute mark, the rain turned to heavy thunderstorms and this subtle static sound got louder and louder. This is where Eminem's bars became noticeably creepier. "I'm in the basement with the kids / He doesn't let no light in" and "I got a mom that's a bitch, she don't love me / I got a dad that's a prick, he hates me / I'm duck taped with fear, I got a room that bleeds me / I got a window that's 2 feet by 2 feet / I'm like a fucking rat in a maze." Then there was 1 minute of static with no rapping by Eminem. When he came back, the sound of duct tape stretching out played and he rapped "See this lipstick? That's what you look like when you're sucking me." After this Eminem began screaming, followed by a girl's screaming. The song ended with Dr. Dre saying "I'm not a fucking psychic! Mother fuckers must be paying me to do this shit!" What the hell does any of this mean?! I really hope this isn't some foreign bootleg some weirdo put together in his mom's basement. That would be terrible. 
The next track that played was... "Cleaning Out My Closet." You gotta be kidding me! This song didn't release until 3 years after The Slim Shady LP. Yep, this is a bootleg for sure. The song began with the familiar atmospheric intro, but the beat itself was completely different. It sounded like a child's piano loop with some muffled child's voice singing the words. The rapping was also different. Eminem's flows were much quicker and his punchlines were just downright awful. "I'll take a pregnant lady over a prude schoolgirl any day." The rest of his punchlines sounded the same as they did on The Slim Shady LP though "Yeah, I'ma kill all your friends and blow up your school." But again, this had nothing to do with Cleaning Out My Closet. Like with the Stan track, it sounded like some bizarre freestyle that never should've seen the light of day. 
At the 2:32 mark, Eminem's rapping sounded very monotone and almost bored (kind of like his newer albums). It was almost if he was taking the piss out of it in the booth. "Look at me, I'm Em, from 8 Mile..." After this intro, the beat changed once again, but this time to a faster paced house beat. It got even stranger because now you could here the screams of a woman (who sounded very much like the girl from the first verse of "My Name Is"). The next few bars had horribly simplistic rhymes. "I use your key to get in / I lock the door behind me with a pin / I'm in your house now ready for sin..." At first, I thought this was some parody, but it's obviously not. After this intro, the song began to turn into a slower beat once again. The screaming disappeared and was replaced by a monotone moaning. The lyrics were still horrible. "I'm in your house now lookin' for your mom / I'm gonna fuck her in front of you fuckin' dad and you'll be glad" 
At this point the song was annoying me, so I hit skip on the CD player. But as soon as I did, a hideous scream came from the speakers, louder than the ones during the intro. You could hear terror in the screams, it was like it came from an inhuman being. I put my hands over my ears and lightly kicked the CD player, which made it stop. This has to be some kind of cruel joke. If it is, I'm not laughing. Maybe Pastor Dave was right. I should have never listened to this CD. I contemplated taking the disc out, but the next track already started and I had no choice but to endure it's strangeness. This song was called "Remember Me?" It was exactly like all the other songs on this CD, just really horrible and confusing. 
The screaming from the previous track came back and sounded even more horrible than before. I almost skipped it again, but then Eminem rapped something that made me stop. "Look at me, I'ma pop a pill as my fixer/ Take a snort of cocaine and then I'ma f*ck your sister / While I'm doin' that you can ram your dick in her ass / What a blast, let's ask Dr. Dre how long will it last" These lyrics were messed up even for Eminem. They weren't funny or cathartic like usual, just straight up gross and uninteresting. I stopped the CD Player before it could go to the next track. I needed to use the bathroom. 
After several explosive trips to the bathroom, I finally feel like I can start listening to this retched CD again. I went to the fridge and grabbed a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. I'm not much for alcohol, but a couple of gulps later and I was feeling a little more comfortable. I hit play on the player and the song that started playing was "Just the Two of Us," the song where Eminem and his daughter dump her mother's corpse in the ocean. I took a sip of beer, but spit it out when the girl's scream played again. The beer tasted horrible and I felt nauseous. "Enough with the damn screaming!" I shouted at the CD player. If this keeps up I'm going to break the CD. The beat had a weird techno sound to it, but I didn't really pay attention to that. I was too terrified that the girl would start screaming again. Just in case, I turned the volume down on the CD player, as the song started to get louder and faster. 
Eminem's ridiculous lyrics got even worse. "I slit her throat, I did it with my blade / Her blood was a treat, I drank it like tea / I shat in her wounds then tied her to the bed / I'm not a violent man but I got nine kids locked up in my van." I felt sick as soon as Em said that. Again, Pastor Dave was right. After this is over, I'm going to destroy the CDs and go to church tomorrow. But might as well finish the song first. The beat switched and another rapper then came on in the song. I recognized the voice instantly, it was 50 Cent. The lyrics weren't as bad as Em's, but they were still pretty messed up. "Man fuck that hoe, her name was Tanya / She a crack hoe and she dead," What 50 rapped next chilled me to the bone. "I shot her in the throat and she didn't move / I put five in her chest but still she wouldn't die / I put a seventh in her head, so she could getriebe." 
I unplugged the CD player from the wall and smashed it on the ground. I stomped on it several times, until a piece of plastic flung up and hit me in the eye. That caused me to fall backwards, and I cried out in pain. Before I could get back up, a mysterious figure appeared from the hallway and approached me with a steel pipe in hand. It hit me in the head with it and I fell back down, blacking out. The last thing I heard before I passed out was the figure tell me "Welcome to Hell." 
When I woke up, I was in a dimly lit dirty room sitting in a wooden chair with my hands tied behind my back with rope. My mouth felt dry as hell, and when I tried to move my head I felt a tight band around my skull. The figure then stepped out of the shadows holding a pick, a shovel and a baseball bat. "You look like you need a drink," the figure said as it held up a glass with muddy water inside. "Who the hell are you?!" I shouted. The figure laughed as if he was getting enjoyment from my suffering. He approached me and before I could freak out, he shoved the glass to my lips and poured muddy water into my mouth. He did this several times. Finally, he took the glass out of my mouth and left me with a gag. He chuckled. "Did you think I was going to let you get away with this? Now you must confess." the hooded figure said angrily. That's when I knew who it was. It was Pastor Dave. 
"You bastard! Why are you doing this?!" "To teach you a lesson, ya heathen." "I'm no heathen!" "Oh yes you are. I told you not to listen to that filth, yet you disobeyed. Now confess your sins, or take another drink of the unholy water." the pastor threatened. "I'm not a heathen, I'm a Christian!" I manage to say before he brought the muddy glass up to my lips and pours more water down my throat. I choked really hard and almost passed out again. I felt like I was going to vomit but I couldn't move. I opened my mouth to say something else but I was gagged. "Slim Shady is a demon, you knew it!" Pastor Dave exclaimed while shoving his dirty fingers in my mouth. "Demons walk amongst us mere mortals. They taunt us, they play with our minds and they use us as conduits to this world. Now I know you're probably thirsty so let's have another round!"
Another round of muddy water was poured in my mouth and I choked as usual, but this time I felt the gag in my mouth seep in to the back of my throat. "What the fuck do you want from me?!" "REPENT!" the pastor yelled before striking me. My lip was bloody and bruised and there was dirt covering the back of my throat. I felt sick and a fever. The pastor continued to beat and threaten me, but nothing was coming out but garbled words. Nothing but a jumble of sounds that made no sense. "Fine, sinner. Revel in your ways. I won't join you, but when you're done, I will come back like a thief in the night. And it won't be pretty." Pastor Dave threatened before walking out of the room. As soon as he shut the door, loud speakers began playing music. It was the second CD I had bought: The Marshal Mathers LP. 
The first track was the Public Service Announcement 2000 skit, only this time Eminem said "Thanks for buying my CD, it was worth every dollar." After it finished, the song Criminal started playing. Normally this is supposed to be the final track, but here it was the opener. The intro was the same, but as soon as Em said "CRIMINAL!" the song's beat changed into a different one. It sounded like metal cans being split open. A twisted smile spread across my face. The mud in my mouth tasted like metal now. I looked down at my chest and saw that I was wearing filthy clothing, covered in mud and blood. I can't believe wanting to listen to Eminem got me in this situation. And the CDs I got were nothing like the classics I remembered. I must be living in my own personal hell. 
As the song continued, it got way darker and heavier. Eminem's voice was distorted and hard edged. The drums in the beat sounded like weapons being reloaded. And the stuff he was rapping about... It was truly horrific. "The devil's son, a murderer from the start / The bible in one hand, the constitution in the other / A priest holding his throat, a teacher with a knife / Pitch black darkness I'm in it / I'm the Beast born with a gift / It's not light, it's not good / It's a beast, come on admit it!" Em screamed in a very dark voice. "Admit it!" his mother's voice joined in. 
I looked around the room I was being held in and saw a coffin in the corner of the room. It was 6 feet long, 4 feet wide and 2 feet deep. That's the same size as me! I tried breaking free from the chair, but it was no use. I'm trapped here listening to these dreadful unreleased Eminem songs and I'm going to be buried alive. I need to do something, but what? My mind raced for ideas. The beat of the song was getting faster and faster, the metal sounding drums going daa daa daa DUM... DAA DAAAA... I closed my eyes, praying the song would end. And about 15 seconds later it did. The next track had a strange intro, almost non-existent drums and a heavy guitaring line. It slowly built up until it reached a peak of intensity. Then, out of nowhere, it cuts almost halfway through. 
The next track started off with a deep voice saying "If you're a sinner, boy, I can make you feel right at home..." I tried screaming for help, but no one could hear. Eminem's distorted voice then blared very loudly, saying "I'm a fucking monster / I'm a fucking demon and I'm coming to get you!" It was so loud it made my ears ring. Pastor Dave then reentered the room. "You like the new songs, boy?" he asked me. "Y-Yes, sir," I stuttered, terrified. "Fucking demons. We are what we loathe, come on boy, admit it." Dave cursed. "I'm sorry! Please forgive me! I have sinned... I will never listen to Eminem again!" I shouted. "Good boy" the pastor said with a smirk. "Now finish what you started." he said before walking out the room. 
The next track started with a sample from Goodfellas: "When you gonna take that money and buy a sliver of me?" followed by a familiar beat. It was the classic White Rabbit by The Who. I was so happy, tears welled up in my eyes, as it was one of my favorite songs. After the chorus, Eminem took over and began rapping. "Listen to me / I'm an addict, I'm an abuser, I'm a borderline rapist / I'll fuck anything that moves, if I can't find a guy / I'll stick my dick in a diesel pump and my mouth'll pump your fuel / I got a hard on just by listening to the sound of your voice / I want to stick it in your son and he won't have a choice / I'll even fuck a truck, a big rig, who gives a fuck"
These lyrics were so repulsive that I vomited out some of the dirt that was clinging to the back of my throat. I was getting sicker by the second. Just the sound of Eminem's voice was making me nauseous now. But thankfully, he got off the mic and another rapper took over for the next verse. It was Em's good friend Bizarre. He started off freestyling, rapping about how much he wanted to have sex with a schoolgirl, and then he quickly segued into a verse about having sex with his mother. God... I couldn't take it anymore. The degeneracy of it all was taking a toll on my body. My dirty clothes, the dirt in my mouth, the filth entering my ears. This is what it feels like to be a sinner. 
I started hopping around with the chair like a mad man, yelling "I'm a sinner! I'm a sinner!" I continued doing this until the next track, Innuendo by Queen, came on. I love Queen and this song, so I took a deep breathe and relaxed for a little bit. But 3 minutes in, the beat got faster and faster and you could hear some static tainting the sound, like a weird noise that seemed so random and out of place. Then, all of a sudden, the windows in the room shattered and the door came flying off its hinges as if was hit by a battering ram. I looked in terror to my left, and there stood the beast. It was seven feet tall and almost as wide as the wall. It's skin was completely black, except for two huge red eyes that bulged out of its head like gigantic bright coals. I closed my eyes and reopened them, and the beast, along with all the shattered glass, disappeared. I was having hardcore hallucinations. 
"This last song is dedicated to all the sinners in hell, boy. It's about you!" I looked up to see the pastor standing in the doorway. He had a creepy smile on his face. "Turn it up..." he whispered to himself as he adjusted the audio on the speakers. The beat to this one made me feel like I was dancing, just like in the cartoon Beavis and Butthead. I began to move to the music. I grooved to the sounds of Freddie Mercury and John Deacon as they sang their hearts out. Eminem joined their singing too. Yes, he was singing, not rapping. For once I didn't feel afraid. I felt... I felt good. I felt happy. And I loved every second of it. But it all came crashing down when Eminem began rapping. 
"I hacked up your daughter and left her to die in the bathtub / I stuck a broom up her ass and blew it up like a balloon / I tied her to the railroad track cause she was just a whore / I kicked her like a football and fucked her on the floor" I let out a scream and fell to the floor with he chair. Tears pored from my face. I was about to die. Eminem kept rapping. I couldn't take it anymore. "All sinners go to hell / And I'll make you go there too / There's a devil who wants to fuck your daughter / There's a monster who wants to fuck your mom / There's a rapist who wants to fuck your sister / There's a killer who wants to get inside you / I will invade your mind, I will take your soul" 
By this point I was screaming and yelling incoherently while squirming on the floor. The pastor looked at me with a creepy smile. "Imagine the things I'm thinking. Can you?" he said ominously before singing. "Let the winds of hell consume you.. Let the fires of hell burn you.. Let the floods of hell drown you.. Let the demons of hell possess you God have mercy on your soul.." He then raised his arms towards the sky and began praying. "Oh God, watch over us, protect us from the evil that lies ahead. In Jesus' name, Amen" That's when he took a small black Bible from his pocket and opened it to 1 John 5:19-20, "We rejoice in the Devil's fall from grace. Let us rejoice in Satan's defeat, for our souls, for our souls, and for our souls." After that, I passed out. 
When I regained consciousness, I was in a tight, wooden space and I could hardly breathe. "Robert Manly has passed away." a voice from a radio above ground said. It then started playing Eminem's hit song Lose Yourself. My pastor buried me alive for listening to Eminem. In a couple hours, when the oxygen runs out, I will be ringing Hell's bell. All I hope is that Pastor Dave will suffer with me one day. And with his bones, I shall build a stairway to heaven. 
Rot in Pieces.
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