Jay The Killer

Hi! My name’s Jay Whatever! I’m writing this story from the loony bin where they locked me up for my crimes! (Yeah, they just let someone they believe to be dangerously unstable use electronic devices with internet connection despite having no reason to at all! Who cares? It’s just convenient for me and totally not a plot hole so big and obvious that it’s more of a plot black hole that consumes the entire history till there’s no plot left!) But I’m getting ahead of myself! First off, some little things about me! I’m a teenager (a nineteen-years-old to be exact), I’m very attractive (except for my gruesome mutilations, that I’ll describe later), I’m a killing machine (I’ll describe my awesome killing spree later) and so on! I know you must be eager to read my amazing origin story (one that’s totally original and not derivative at all), but I’m pretty sure you’re patient enough to first hear me rambling endlessly about myself! Right? I hope so! Let’s start with what I love! I love myself! I love stroking my own ego!(specially by rambling endlessly about myself for you to hear, like I’m doing right now!) I love whining and throwing tantrums! (what I’m pretty sure it’s totally appropriate behavior for a nineteen-years-old) I love talking, writing and/or typing about myself! (again, like I’m doing right now!) I love going on and on about useless and unrelated tangents when I’m supposed to be telling someone something! (Once more, I’m doing this right now!) And more than anything else, I love the excessive and distracting use of exclamation points and parentheses! (Like this!!! See?!!) Anyways, we should really start the story, but before we do that, I need to do a short rant! I hate paragraphs, I hate having to deal with paragraphs, even more than I hate using periods, and that’s a lot! So instead I’m doing a huge wall of text which keeps going and going! (What won’t be annoying or confusing at all, am I right?) With that aside, let me tell you my tragic backstory! My entire life I was bullied! I mean, not my entire life, I wasn’t bullied as a baby or anything like that, (what kind of psycho bullies a baby, I mean?) but I’ve been bullied a lot by jealous and useless losers! They just can’t admit I’m better than the rest of mankind! Anyways, this boy, Matthew Modern, was the chess club captain at my school and a big bully! I hated him and his girlfriend Jean Green, who was a fat slob and not pretty at all! (I forgot to mention, I love to needlessly insult and antagonize people who can and will my make my live hell!) I hate bullies, except myself when I bully someone, but it’s okay when I do it because I’m hardcore! Anyways, (I love abusing this word too, and abusing words in general!) my home life wasn’t a picnic either! (unless we were at a picnic, but that doesn’t matter!) My parents didn’t beat me up or something like that, but they did worse! You may not even believe that because it’s so awful, but they didn’t agree I was the most important person in the world! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I’m sure you can’t! There was also my little sister, Ginny Whatever! She was a dumb and useless ten-years-old girl who was always farting! (I hate when people fart in front of me! They should respect me because they know I’m above them! It means not farting in front of me!) That’s my tragic backstory! So one day, I was walking down the street at my hometown Anyplace, when Matthew and Jean appeared out of nowhere and told me to get lost! Since I’m a psycho, I decided to murder them as a fair and proportionate reaction! But I didn’t have any weapon with me, so I took my pen, (that I was carrying around for no reason, because plot hole!) and stabbed Matthew! Unfortunately he didn’t die, because it’s hard to kill someone with a pen, but Jean got mad at me for trying to murder her boyfriend! (I know it’s unfair!) Turns out Jean was a black belt at karate, and she kicked my butt! (I refuse to say ass! It would be rude of me to say ass, so I’m saying butt instead of ass because saying ass would be very crass! Wait a moment! I just said ass four times! And now I said it again! Fuck it!) After being beaten up, I went back home and found out my face was horribly disfigured thanks to a zit! I’m being serious! There was a big and ugly zit on my once beautiful face, and it made me so mad I decided to KILL EVERYONE! (That’s the gruesome mutilations and the killing spree I mentioned earlier! See? All’s coming together now!) I decided my family should go first! My parents, Dad Whatever and Mom Whatever, were having dinner at our dining room! I grabbed Ginny’s baseball bat, (it was just laying around for no reason, because plot hole!) and silently approached them! Unfortunately, Ginny never picks up her crap, so I tripped over some random toy and fell to the floor! The bat fell on my head and it hurt! Damn, it hurt! But I got up on my feet and realized the brain damage I had just received gave me psychic powers! (Who cares if it makes sense? I got superpowers!) So I entered our dining room, cracking evilly, and telekinetically killed my parents! (It was very badass!) Then Ginny got home from her baseball game! (Despite her baseball bat just laying around at home, because plot hole!) I really hate that B___! (Can you guess what’s in the blanks? The answer’s brat!) She wasn’t happy I killed our parents, (I can’t see why!) and when I told her she was going to be my next victim, she told me to go to hell! She also farted! I hate when she farts! So I tried to use my psychic powers to kill her, but it turns out my powers don’t work in my family members! (Despite me using them to kill my parents moments ago, because plot hole!) My annoying little sister didn’t waste a moment, she just gave me a kick on the balls, incapacitating me, then called the police! I wasn’t afraid, however, because with my newfound powers and my cunning murder tactics, I was unstoppable! At least till I got knocked out by the roof randomly falling down on me! I woke up on this place, some kind of asylum, where some random nurse told me I was arrested and was going to spend the rest of my life locked up here for the murder of my parents and the attempted murder of my sister and Matthew! (I had forgot about him actually!) I also had lost my psychic powers somehow! So here I am! That’s my tragic and terrifying origin story! But that’s not the end of Jay The Killer! I’ll find a way to get out of here, and then, I’ll get revenge! HAHAHA!
THE END?
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Blatant Ripoffs
Category:Potty Humor
Category:Satire
Category:Wall of Text
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Stupid is as the main character does
Category:Overused Running Gag
Category:MARY SUE ALERT
Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.