The shit I took a few moments ago

A few minutes ago, I took what would be considered what is known as an absolute and definite abomination. The pure hatred and disgust I perceive myself as rages in my veins, as of writing this cry for help.
At around 4pm, I arrive home, ready to celebrate my mother's 50th birthday. The house was filled with fluorescent balloons, accompanied by a gorgeous bouquet of an assortment of roses, sunflowers, and other swell-smelling nature. As I crash onto the sofa in my living room, i feel mild discomfort in my abdomen area, but being completely distracted by the array of food and beverages that were to come on limestone platters of pleasure. Previously, I had claimed that I was - in fact - "not hungry", and tried my best not to shove the lamb shank of sheer excellence down my ecstatic esophagus. After not even a minute, I cannot control myself, and I jump from the sofa, onto the table in a perplexing pounce, and grappling every solid substance my hands come in contact with. I feel my entire bloodline of wolf ancestors and other carnivorous beings pulse throughout my entire body, as if I had been ripped from what is described as reality itself. I have been left in a solitude of silence, as my family watches in both awe and horror of my vicious behaviour. Flabbergasted of what he had just experienced, my bitchass brother runs into the kitchen and tries to call the police on an Amazon Echo.
"Alexa, call 911!", My brother exclaims.
"Now playing The Beatles", the machine coughed in distress.
I can visibly see the smoke puffing out of all ends of this 100 year old contraption of convenience, weirdly doing the opposite of what they were built to achieve. My brother starts to shake uncontrollably, and tears form under the lid of his fragile eyes. The trickle of water slowly traverses down his left cheek, as his sobs of a concoction of confusion and fear are muffled by The Beatles. In response to my primal carnage of a stuffed turkey, my family evacuated the area, leaving as much evidence of me as possible, and assuring themselves that they didn't possess a scent of chicken that would bait me to their whereabouts. My radar of pure oil and grease beeps consecutively under my chin, as I slowly lower my head to discover what has been kept from me all my life. A half eaten fruit roll up laid afloat in the pool of grease that covered most surface area of the table. As drool hung from my gaping mouth, I apprehended what had been behold before me, in complete and utter appraisal of such a treasury. I ready my nostrils in excitement, I inhale with all my might to intake every particle of that strawberry sweetness of Satan. I carefully peel the silver wrapping with glee, and what stood before me would be considered grotesque to most, but a blessing to my dopamine-filled cranium. The vibrant red colouring had been drained almost completely, with an entire ecosystem of unknown organisms, that live in both mutualism and parasitism relationships to achieve survival on this sheet of sugar. Hell, even the wonders of electricity had developed technology far more advanced than society could ever achieve in the next millennium. I give a small applause to such feats of a species, and apologise for the following series of events that were to unfold.
Completely oblivious and ignorant of the plastic wrapping that contained the damn-near delectable delicacy, I unhinge my jaw, much like a reticulated python, so ensure that every atom of this monstrous meal met every taste bud inside my mouth. As the radioactive remedy of joy melted my tongue, I moaned in satisfaction, feeling my entire body shake violently. I sit upright for a fucking hour straight, appreciating this impossible imagination of enjoyment. Once I had consumed my heart's dreams and delights, I lay with my right hand placed gently over my stomach, approximately 5 inches larger than previously recorded, possibly a global feat that would shock thel world. As I contemplated what colour I wanted my award to be, I feel a gargantuan grumble in my tummy wummy, knowing that shit was getting into 5th gear. I jolted up into a posture, not even a 97 year old grandma with osteoporosis would experience. As I stand at a 90 angle, my asshole begins to release gases, highly correspondent of that of mustard gas. I choke profusely upon my own creation, and sprint up my marble stairs to the loo.
Part 2 coming soon!
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