The Virus Took Everything From Me

In this life there are always one or two moments of absolutes. Absolute joy, happiness... absolute sorrow. And absolute dread. These moments are always proceeding ones of uncertainty. Uncertainty was what the world felt as it was announced. Pandemic was the word that sat like a lunker in the back of the world's mind as everyday the reports of more people infected would pour in.
The toll rose faster than a biblical flood. By the time the government finally acted, the country was already declining into panic. So when the word was given that quarantine would be in effect and strictly enforced... Well that's what sent us over the edge. The lines were long and the fights numerous but everyone was racing to grab what they could to survive the few days. I could hear the doomsday preppers' collective laugh as I watched one sweet old lady knock the dentures out of the mouth of another little granny with a can of sweet peas.
People scrambled for everything they could grab, myself included. Canned food, medicine, bottled water. All of it grabbed and shoved in line. The stockers of the stores brought out more pallets of inventory from the back but they never made it onto the shelves. People were ripping into the soft plastic wrapping like scavengers picking a corpse clean. It made me think of a zombie movie so I picked up a few DVDs before leaving.
Being a single twenty-something living on the second floor of my apartment complex I didn't need as many supplies as the families around me to survive. My room was about to be my bunker and I wouldn't open my door for anything (other than to take the trash out or get the mail of course)
I arrived home, unloaded my groceries and plopped down in front of my tv to watch the movie marathon I had just purchased and enjoyed some snacks. After two hours of watching Romero's fine films I was struck with a dreadful thought... do zombies poop? They eat all the time and yeah they aren't alive but thinking about it they have to do something with their man meals after it's all said and done right? I then concluded that I should wear my brown pants should I ever become one of them.
The next day came and after spending it in front of the computer I felt the squirming of my guts. The bubbling of last night's Nachos Supreme with extra peppers. It's eight hours of solitary was up and demanded to be let out and fast! So as I waddled my clenched ass to the bathroom I let out the only appropriate thing one can when you feel yourself getting caught in a mudslide. "Dear God forgive me for the sin I am about to unleash!"
And unleash it I did. A fiery butt-demon escaped into the waters below as I played a game with anime girls on my phone. I made sure the microwaved meal monster I had just birthed was completely out of my system and finished my level when I reached my hand to the wall and was overcome with that feeling. The realization of my blunder making that one moment of absoluteness in my life. Absolute panic. My hand met with the cardboard cylinder of an empty toilet paper roll. I am lazy and forget to change them so I looked by the waste bin where I keep my reloads but I was out. In my race to get gold fish crackers, hot pockets, and soda I had forgotten to get a new pack of toilet paper. I was trapped on my toilet, the seat now had grown warm beneath me as I hid away my stinky curse on this world.
I went through all of the stages of grief, I searched for any answer. But I knew... I knew the price I had to pay. I slid the fabric off my back, exposing my body to the tainted air of the bathroom. I turned the front of my favorite shirt towards me for one last look. I was greeted by the smiling face of Japanese pop sensation: Hatsuna Miku. My waifu. This shirt was my prized possession but the burning that plagued me demanded her for my release. I gave her a nod and a single tear rolled down my cheek before I closed my eyes... and leaned to one side. And I wiped away my debt.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.