Landlord

The common landlord (slumilus lordae) is a parasitic, predatory invertebrate closely related to the leech and the banker. It is a very invasive species found on every continent and first described in feudal Europe.
==Taxonomy==
Biologists disagree on how to properly classify landlords. Some regard them as insects, but this classification presents problems. Although many insects may be pests, insects, unlike landlords, are a necessary and important part of biodiversity and provide many positive functions. Additionally, most landlords do not possess a chitinous exoskeleton which is characteristic of insects. Some biologists regard them as a viral pathogen due to their inability to reproduce without exploiting a host. Attempts to decode the genome of landlords have not yet been successful, suggesting landlords may not be a form of life at all, but may actually be the spiritual personification of death and suffering in corporeal form. This view also is not without controversy, since Hell, the after-world of eternal suffering, is a successful example of free public housing.
==Physiology and behavior==
Landlords are anatomically dissimilar from human beings, possessing distinctive, large canine teeth with which to puncture arteries and drink the warm blood of the living that sustains them. Behaviorally, landlords lack a work ethic, and thus depend on those who do work to support themselves. Landlords regard their own parasitic behavior as natural and beneficial, a clever ploy to persuade their victims (who they call “tenants”) that paying off someone else's mortgage and 3rd divorce is somehow a good thing.
Landlords lure their prey by openly advertising their need for human flesh in newspapers and on the internet, often with headlines such as, "Let me drink your life force, it's better than living with your mother" and "5 SQ. FT. APT. 4 RENT, WEEKLY RENT INCREASES GUARANTEED, NO PETS OR FUN ALLOWED. LEAKING FAUCET INCLUDED." However, most landlords are picky eaters. Many of them check the credit scores and ask for references of prospective tenants to determine just how much nutrition the tenants can provide them, if any. Tenants who wish to check the credit scores or ask for references of their prospective landlords are generally not suitable for landlord consumption, as such people are afflicted with a rare yet dangerous disease known as "asking too many questions."
They are also known for their howling which occurs when their victims refuse to pay their rent until all of the toxic mold is removed, demand their security deposit back, report the small cameras installed in their bathroom to the police, or are black. Nothing throws the landlord into a fit of rage more than not being paid, as landlords regard this as someone taking advantage of them. The landlord brain, which live vivisections have revealed is remarkably smooth and small, is incapable of understanding the irony.
==Habitat and predation==
Landlords are found all over the world, crawling out from the swamps and sewers at night to feast upon others on the first of every month.
Infestations of landlords have led to eradication programs in some parts, though the efforts are thus far unsuccessful. Landlords have also been regulated. For example, equal housing laws compel landlords to harvest the organs of everyone equally regardless of race, gender, etc. Additionally, rent control in some places prevents landlords from consuming all organs of their victims. On the other hand, some worship landlords as deities and give offerings in the form of rent checks and, if those cannot be provided, oral sex.
There are a few natural predators of the landlords. One is, of course, tenants. If several tenants organize to withhold rent together in a "rent strike", the landlord may starve to death or, worse, be forced to get a real job. Another threat to landlords is public or co-operative housing where all rent goes to administration and maintenance and none is used to pay off the landlord's car loans and cocaine habit. According to studies, the most effective ways to deal with landlords are spraying them with a can of insecticide or humanely putting them in a cup and placing them outside where they belong.
Category:Capitalism
Category:Occupations
Category:Insects Category:Parasites