The Color Problem

The colour problem or color problem first appeared in Great Britain during the early 1980's after a whirlwind romance between Sir Clive Sinclair and heavyweight boxing champion Alan Sugar Daddy Turing. Before Sinclair and Turing the colour problem was an issue that did not affect most people in their everyday lives. However, after the couple introduced the Sinclair Spectrum (Timex Sinclair in American) it became obvious that colours were here to stay. 
Although Sinclair subsequently left the relationship to concentrate on his Formula 1 career (see right) the world would never be the same again...
==Early days==
Keith Kenneth Knowle of Brixton Riots remembers the time well: 
Attempts by P.C. spokesman to reduce panic failed, and the colour problem became one of the Big Four issues of the 21st Century on a par with freedom of religious expression, sexual equality and Apple iMac ownership...
==The Problems==
After a poor start and despite Michael Jackson claiming "It doesn't matter if you're black or white" many more problems followed. Largely because, well you know about Michael Jackson...
===The Turing Test===
When troubles got so bad that colours could not live together on an equal basis Alan Turing and partner Jim Crow invented The Turing Test in an effort to remedy some of the problems he had caused. The test was used to decide which colours were better than others, and so greatly improved colour relations. To perform the test those involved would sit naked in their rooms with a computer keyboard typing messages not knowing whether they were talking to a real person or a machine. 
Thanks to the test (now more commonly known as Yahoo! chat) it became possible to clearly identify one colour from another, and thus some reduction in tensions was enjoyed by all.
===Red, Green and Blue Supremacy===
Many of the colour problems came from one group or another considering themselves to be more important or superior than the others. Probably the most notable and disruptive of these groups was the RGB movement or as they described themselves The Primary Colours. A coalition of secondary colours joined by colourless-ness and translucence called for the creation of a new universal colour classification system that recognized the "dynamic vibrancy" added by all colours given that "when it comes to colours, we are all part of the same rainbow." Primary Colours leader Roy G Biv was unavailable for comment.
===Colour Problems in Sport===
The field of sports was not unaffected by the colour problem. The modern game of football (football if you're American) had more than its fair share of difficulties. Troubles often started due to the appearance of reds or yellows mostly caused by the the bastard in the black, an individual who's precise identity still remains a mystery despite thousands of fans politely enquiring of it each week. Mr Norbert Adolph Zacharia Isaac of National Fronts comments:
===Keep Colours Separate===
The Campaign for the Sorting and Separation of Colours or True Colours was started in 1986 by Billy Steinberg and Cyndi Lauper. The campaign got lots of colours into hot water with the premise that if allowed to mix they would fade over time and run all over the place causing dyeing in surrounding areas as well as probably turning all your white shirts pink.
Colours who got in a spin over the campaign were known as colour fast. Some fast colours where able to resist running at lower temperatures such as 30°C, 40°C and 60°C however even they had to admit that at 90°C it became very difficult to maintain their rather bold position. Despite the spin surrounding the issue, most found themselves washed up afterwards, completely rinsed and seldom when pressed appreciated the ironing. The cycle continues to this day.
To cash in on the publicity generated the colour running issue Benny Hill created the United Colours of Benetton range of smudge-gray clothing which became popular during the mid to late 1980s
===Rainbow Warriors===
The Green Party complicated things still further by insisting that green issues were more important than others.
Probably the most significant green activists were Zippy, George and Bungle Baulks or "Rainbow" as they would become known. For a time the leader of Rainbow, Mr Bungle Baulks had everyone snookered with his green baize views regarding the position of white. Mr Balks insisted that whether you looked though the round, square or triangular window anything past the Baulk-Line was usually a very safe position to leave the white.
The views of Green House politics began to appear rather transparent when Tiger Woods chipped in from an off green position showing a hole in one of their policies. The additions of Rod, Jane and Freddy (who everyone thought were a bit pants) weakened Rainbow further, and when it became possible to completely silence Zippy, Rainbow slowly began to fade from view. 
In modern times the Green Party are more now concerned with environmental and climate change issues and thus no one (of course) takes their views seriously...
==A Beginning of the end of the Troubles==
Thankfully, given time some colours began to get along and a number of groups appeared making it look possible that an end to the troubles could be insight.
===Blacks and Whites Unite===
In an movement which has become known as grey, black and white were able to set their differences aside and mix together. Diehards perpetuated the troubles by rejecting grey politics as a "shady view", claiming that "black and white are not really colors" but an end to their problems appeared possible.
===Red shift===
When Edwin Bubble noticed that red had started to move its position in the spectrum it become apparent that the universe was indeed a very large place and probably expanding all the time. With this new appreciation of their own insignificance other colours followed suit and slowly started to put their differences and problems of the past aside...
==Colour vs Color==
In a desperate attempt to prolong the troubles the Wikipedia managed to drag the issue onto the international stage of the Internet by inciting hatred between the colors (mostly of the north American sub-continent) and the colours of the rest of the world. When the tomayto-tomahto riots (organised by Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers) broke out it looked like all previous progress had been for nothing. In a last ditch attempt to quell fighting and bring harmony to the world Uncylopedia spokesman Oscar Wilde made the following statement:
===Aftermath===
==See also==
* The Colour Problem (Grr!)
* Black People
* White People
* Yellow People
* Fat People
* Thin People
* Tall People
* Short People
* Racial profiling
* Coloured People
* People
==External links==
*The Race Card
 
category:Optics
category:Color
category:British culture
category:Racial culture
category:Racism
category:Stereotypes
category:Ethnicity
Category:Politics of the United Kingdom
category:History of the United Kingdom
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category:Biggest Fuck-Ups of All Time
Category:FA British
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Category:FA Colors ‏‏