Uncyclopedia Health Service

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rect 0 64 180 92 About Us
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rect 1 166 180 193 Online Diagnosis
rect 0 194 180 222 What's New?
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rect 0 66 182 185 Viagra flavored M&Ms overwhelming success - economy grinds to standstill.
rect 0 186 182 366 Putting pictures of old people on our site makes us look good.
rect 0 367 182 593 Do Carrots Cause Cancer? - The answer will shock you.
rect 0 594 182 660 Freakshow! - See Bizarre Medical Conditions in Ward 3
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Welcome to the Uncyclopedia Health Service, a nurse won't be with you shortly. 
Here at the UHS we are committed to giving.. um.. getting.. er.. doing.. good.. yeah.. er.. stuff.. ah- have some more tic tacs- I mean Aspirin.
 - Home - News - Store - 
Media Releases
14th May, 2009
The babies in the maternity ward were dead after birth due to unsanitary conditions, despite the Health department trying to keep up with latest research.
23rd February, 2009
Real Aspirin is now available at a cost of 54,381,000 Wildes. Cancer Ward reopened.
25th January, 2009
UHS increases funding to 29,000,000,000,000,000 Wildes (W$29,000,000)
14th January, 2009 
The surgery room is free of cockroaches.
2nd January, 2009
Hospital reopened; all renovations finished. Children's Hospital opened.
19th October, 2008
UHS cuts funding to 390 Wildes. All people receive funding from the Filipino Empire and Wikicare instead.
21st August, 2008
The hospital is closed for renovations and all patients are transferred to the King Joseph Medical Center in Tokyo, Filipino-occupied Japan.
7th January, 2008 
The bodies found in the aged care ward were dead before they entered the ward, despite what the Health Department says. 
4th January, 2008 
After expensive studies lasting many years, and millions of hours work we have discovered that the pie does contain meat. Sadly in completely unrelated news the cancer ward will be forced to close due to lack of funds. 
2nd January, 2008 
20 something doctor w/ chiseled good looks and distant stare seeking nurse/patient for fun time, possibly commitment. 
31st December, 2007 
UHS leading the way in fight against ‘super bug’ - Surgery room expected to be free of cockroaches by 2009. 
27th December, 2007 
Christmas 2007 sees 50% less Turkey related injuries than last year. 
23rd December, 2007 
Amoebic meningitis alert! If anyone knows what it is, please see Dr. Vorless ASAP 
Employee Profile
right|thumb|200px|Maaartyy you have... you have chlamydia?! - "Doc" Brown is always willing to help!
Here at UHS we know that the best cure is understanding, despite what the text-books say. We know you'd much rather have an attractive, well endowed doctor/nurse lean over you and pretend to check your heart beat than have life saving surgery to remove that damn lump on your back. So we think it is most important that you know a bit about the people who work here; from the illegal Mexican cleaners to the nicotine addicted midwives. 
This month we are profiling the mysterious Evil professor/obstetrician, Dr Moriati. Yes ladies he's single and has a thing for neck bolts.
Age: 49 
Any partners? There was a zombie once.. but things just didn't work out. There is Igor, but I'd call that more a Crazy scientist - brainless slave kind of relationship. 
Hobbies? Making hideous monsters, plotting to take over the world, topiary classes... nothing really. 
Why did you join UHS? The hospital is a great place to gather pieces for my latest projects, plus all those huge electro-magnetic machines turn me on. 
Previous jobs? Well I was head Professor at Harvard until I was thrown out for creating a 50-foot-tall robot. Don't spend the budget on that crazy robot, they said. Stop crushing Philadelphia, they said. Well I will get my revenge!!
Yeah, it was fine. 
Do you enjoy working for the UHS? Yes, birthing babies is almost as good as creating life out of body parts. I get a real rush from shouting "Look at what I have created!!!" every time a baby is born.
 
What will you do when you retire? I don't really know.. um.. make a few death rays, move to Florida... I'm getting my pension paid out in corpses so I'll figure something out. 
What's New?
Here at the UHS we are committed to making your stay as enjoyable as possible, our innovations department is constantly devising ways for you to make the best of your stay - An infinite number of metaphorical*cough* monkeys on an infiniteapproximately 3 and some lint number of thermometers all infinitely committed to solving your infinite problems. Infinitely.
Hosptl Qwik
 
Are you just too busy to get that tumor removed? Got to finish those accounts no matter what? Well we are proud to announce our special service for the modern working type. With DIY heart surgery podcasts and no-fuss SMS diagnosis - ur sik w/genitl wrts, may hv 2 amput8 - this is just perfect for those just too busy to care about their health!
Aged Care
Every pensioner should have detailed information about how the UHS worksif that is the appropriate word – not least because a senior’s topics of conversation typically revolve around appalling medical conditions, and how many of their friends have recently died just to spite them. 
Indeed, when not holidaying in dismal seaside towns or helping out at the equally dismal local charity shop, most seniors enjoy nothing better than a cheery day in a hospital discussing their rheumatoid arthritis and rare bowel movements with a complete stranger, shortly followed by a consultation with the doctor. 
That is why, along with extending the pensioners ward, UHS will provide a dummy next to every bed so the old dears can complain about their imploded bowel to their hearts content. That is just how much we care. 
Online Diagnosis
Here at the UHS we are already criminally overcrowded so we don't need you coming in here with a small complaint like a runny nose or chest pains. That is why, along with several eminent MIT professors, we have compiled a list of simple medical conditions that you may be suffering from.
Are you suffering from cold sweats? 
No (go to 2) / Yes (go to 3)	You are Dead, plenty of sleep should cure this. Soon you will be feeling as alive as ever.
Are you currently looking at a person of the same gender?
 
Yes (go to 4) / No (go to 5)	You are suffering from Homosexuality, a few millennia in the depths of hell should cure this... or a large donation to the Church of Saint Phelps.
Have you recently joined the Church of Scientology? 
Yes (go to 6) / No (go to 7)	You are suffering from Gullibility, giving your PIN number to this kind Nigerian princess should help.
Do you feel the Iraq war was unjustified? 
Yes (go to 12) / No (go to 13)	You are suffering from Liberal Bias, a disease affecting much of the world's media. Strangely it is only recognized as a disease in FOX'S Anatomy.
Do you feel the uncontrollable urge to add “ARR!” to the beginning of every sentence?
 
Yes (go to 14) / No (go to 15)	You are suffering from Scurvy. Don’t worry, the desire for treasure and unnatural fixation on eye patches and talking parrots is completely normal.
 
Oh god, you actually are sick. You better get to a hospital... wait this is a h- Hot dog, Hot dog, we sell the Hot dog! Sorry, no speak Inglish!©2008 Site Health Act Section 28/C/the one I spilled coffee all over. No I'm not sure you can claim copyright over a government policy either, I mean who would steal it? France? Do they even have a government anyway? This is not permitted to be reprinted in any form... no, not even for clues in cryptic crosswords... as it would ruin our insurance liability. I mean we only get a few free accidental-shots-in-the-back-of-the-head-by-the-government covered by our insurance policy, then we have to visit the insurance office to claim benefits... and they only have 1983 issue MAD magazines. Why do you even care, its not like you read the fine print... stop reading... now. Now. I really mean it. Stop. Now... Ok... Hey I saw that.
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