New Deep Web Job

I got laid off from my job a couple months ago when my company went through a period of downsizing. They shuttered my department and handed me a pink slip. It wasn't all bad - I got a pretty decent severance package that allowed me to pay off my student loans, so at least I wasn't in debt.
But money always runs out at some point.
I figured my best course of action was to cruise the dark web for some job postings. Immediately upon login in to my tor server I got a pop up that said "Do you want to make $800 a week? Click here!"
That was too good an opportunity to pass up and not at all suspicious, so I clicked and immediately my computer screen went dark. My phone screen lit up with a call. "Unknown Number," it said.
I answered.
"Hello?" I said.
The voice on the other end was staticky and wrong-sounding.
"Is this Gregory?" It said, spookily.
"Yup! That's me. Who's calling?" I answered cheerfully.
"Your job starts tonight at 1 AM at the old decrepit factory. You will find a set of rules on the desk in the security vestibule. Don't be late."
CLICK. The line went dead.
It was really courteous for them to get back to me so quickly, so I decided I would do my best to be on time to show them that I was serious about the new position, even though I had no idea what the job entailed.
I showed up at the creepy, rundown factory on the edge of town at 12:45, entering slowly and making my way to the security vestibule.
Just like the scary voice on the phone said, there was a wrinkled piece of paper with dark brown stains on it that said, "RULES."
#Lock the security vestibule each time you enter and exit, or else.
#Make your rounds through the first floor after 1:30 AM and don't ever look behind you, or else.
#When you reach the abandoned stairwell, shine your flashlight around for a couple of minutes and cough five times exactly, or else.
#Proceed to the second floor and close all of the doors and then turn right back around and open all of the doors, or else.
#Starting at 2:35 AM, you might see a scruffy, scary looking dog roaming around. That's Jeremy, he's a good boy. Feed him treats, or else.
#If you hear the maniacal laughter of a crazy woman after 4 AM, don't stop humming "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher until the laughing stops, or else.
#Do NOT exit the building before 5 AM, but leave before 5:30, or else.
I studied the list of reasonable rules and settled in until I had to make my rounds, making sure to lock the door. When 1:30 hit, I left the vestibule, locking the door and starting toward the stairwell.
I did as the rules said, wiggling my flashlight and coughing before making my way upstairs.
I closed and then opened all the doors, making sure to ignore the ghostly figures that kept popping out from my peripheral vision.
I heard a growling coming from one end of the hall and peeked around the corner. In front of me sat a huge, demonic doglike creature with glowing red eyes and a scruffy black coat. He barked. I threw some ham at him and opened the rest of the doors before making my way back downstairs.
The laughter started exactly at 4 AM so I began whistling as instructed. After a couple of minutes it stopped, so I made my way back to the security vestibule and locked the door.
The rest of the shift went off without incident and I left at 5:15, grabbing the rules, and going home, falling asleep soundly as soon as my head hit my pillow. I woke up to a Cash App notification of my payment and smiled.
I was getting ready for my second shift when I glanced over the rules, my eyes falling to rule 6.
"If you hear the maniacal laughter of a crazy woman after 4 AM, don't stop humming "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher until the laughing stops, or else."
"Don't stop humming"
"Humming"
My stomach sank like a ship that also sank. I definitely whistled instead of hummed. Looking into the mirror I noticed two figures standing directly behind me.
Sonny and Cher.
...
Anyway it's been about five days and they're still here. Reddit, AITA if I ask them to start paying rent? They're eating all of my chips and guacamole, they don't clean up after themselves, and I'm starting to get a little peeved. Any advice would be appreciated!
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep