Mediocrity Births A Monster

It's just another mediocre evening in my mediocre life as I make my usual mediocre drive from my mediocre job where I bring home a mediocre check every week so I can support my mediocre lifestyle. When I pulled into my mediocre driveway, I got out of my mediocre car and went inside my mediocre house. As I was walking through my mediocre living room to get to my mediocre kitchen so I could fix me a mediocre ham sandwich to eat, I hit my mediocre big toe against my mediocre couch. I yelled so many cuss words, all I needed was a nice beat and I would be a mediocre rapper. My yelling woke up my wife. Oh yeah, she's mediocre, too. Anyway, she met me in the mediocre kitchen and I could tell from the look on her mediocre face that we were about to get in a mediocre argument.
"Why you yelling like you stupid?"
"I hit my mediocre toe against the mediocre couch and now I'm in mediocre pain!"
"Well, keep your mediocre mouth shut! Some people around here trying to mediocre sleep!"
"Damn! You been mediocre sleeping for eighteen mediocre hours. That's all your mediocre ass do! When you gonna get up and get a mediocre job so you can help me pay these mediocre bills?"
"I ain't getting no damn mediocre job. Are you crazy? Do I look like a mediocre woman to you? I don't settle for anything mediocre!"
"Well, you living in this mediocre house with your mediocre husband who making mediocre money to try and pay these mediocre bills! Seems like you settling for mediocrity to me!" The mediocre argument got more intense until things finally went too far. My mediocre wife picked up a mediocre kitchen knife and stabbed me in my mediocre leg. I started bleeding mediocre blood and then I back slapped my mediocre wife across her mediocre jaw, making her fall headfirst into the corner of the mediocre counter. She got back up and wiped the mediocre blood from the corner of her mediocre mouth and I wrapped a mediocre kitchen towel around my mediocre leg to stop the mediocre bleeding.
After our mediocre anger subsided, my mediocre wife tried to give me a mediocre apology and made mediocre promises that she would do better, but I knew she couldn't do better. Neither of us could. We were just too mediocre. It's our mediocre lot in this mediocre life and we can't change that, no matter what. And so, I limped out of my mediocre house, got in my mediocre car and drove to the nearest mediocre bar, hopping to drown my mediocrity with as much alcohol as possible. I drank mediocre beer and mediocre liquor until my mediocre head started spinning, but the mediocrity was still there. I couldn't shake it no matter what I did.
Then, I turned around and saw her. She was the sexiest woman I had ever seen with my mediocre eyes. She was thick in all the right places and had curves that could drive a mediocre man like me insane. She walked over to me and took a seat on the mediocre stool beside me. She flashed me a smile, and I gave her a mediocre smile back.
"Hey there, sexy. You look like you've been through a lot." I explained to the woman my mediocre problems. Then, we had a mediocre conversation and after a few more mediocre drinks, she whispered in my mediocre ear and said, "Let's get out of here." By this time, my mediocre words were slurred and I could barely muster up a mediocre response.
"Baby, I frunk as duck. I shanck dwive." (Translation: I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm heavily intoxicated at the moment and I don't seem to have the motor skills necessary to drive.) When I tried to walk, I almost fell flat on my mediocre face, but she caught me and helped me keep my mediocre balance.
"I got you, baby. We can ride in my car." She put me in her luxury sports car and we left the mediocre bar. Somewhere along the way, my mediocre ass fell asleep. When I opened my mediocre eyes, we were now in the middle of a mediocre forest. My mediocre mind was confused as hell.
"Hey, why we here?"
"I wanted to bring you somewhere a little more private so I can do some things to your... private areas." The woman slid her sexy hand right across my mediocre crotch and gave it a gentle squeeze. My mediocre blood rushed to my mediocre head and then to my mediocre crotch area. Then, I remembered my mediocre wife.
"I can't do this."
"You don't have to do anything. I'll do all the work, baby." She began to unbutton my mediocre pants and then I got out of the car and walked away from the woman.
"No! This can't happen! I made a mediocre vow to be with my mediocre wife for the rest of my mediocre life!"
"Get off your mediocre soapbox and just give into your deepest desires. You have a once in a lifetime chance that mediocre guys like you don't get." I was going to give in to my mediocre urges any moment. I had backed myself into a tree as the woman stalked me, consumed with lust. I pressed my mediocre back into the tree as hard as I could as she came closer. Then, she ripped my mediocre shirt off and started rubbing her soft hands on my mediocre chest. When she twirled her fingers around my mediocre nipples... Oh, how that mediocre bulge in my mediocre pants grew!
"I don't even know your name!" I squeaked out of my mediocre mouth.
"Well, you're more of a gentleman than other guys I've met." She whispered her name in my mediocre ear.
"Felicity?" She smiled and shook her head.
"No." She whispered her name to me again.
"Felicia?"
"How about I just show you?" She dropped my mediocre pants and got on her knees and I soon figured it out with my mediocre mind.
"Fellatio!" I sang out in falsetto. She lived up to her name, and she was a professional at what she was doing. She kept going, even though the night was turning to day. She had some amazing jaw strength. I wanted her to stop, but when I pulled away, she pulled me closer. "Baby, stop. Please, stop! That's enough!" She shook her head, keeping her lips wrapped around my mediocre penis like a dog who won't let go of her bone. She appeared to be possessed and wouldn't stop, no matter what I said or did. I couldn't shake her off, either. I had mediocre strength, and it was no match for her sucking strength. Soon, I couldn't take the pain anymore and I passed out.
When I opened my mediocre eyes, I saw that I was alone in the forest now. I stood up and tried to walk, but I tripped over something. When I looked to see what I tripped over, I almost had a mediocre heart attack. I tripped over my own penis! It had been stretched so long, it looked like a fireman's hose.
"What the hell?" After getting over my initial mediocre shock, I shrugged it off, rolled my penis up and stuffed it in my mediocre pants and walked around to find out where in the hell I was. When I got deep in the forest, I saw a tombstone in the shape of a vagina. As curious as I am about vaginas, seeing how my mediocre wife wouldn't ever let me see hers, I walked up to this vagina tombstone and my mediocre mind was almost blown away. Carved on the tombstone was the name 'Fellatio.'
"Did I just get an amazing blow job from a dead woman?"
"No, undead." I turned around and I went from being as black as Wesley Snipes to as white as one of those Twilight vampires. In front of me was some tall, faceless man wearing a nice suit. I swallowed the mediocre lump in my mediocre throat.
"Wh-who are you?"
"You haven't heard of me? I'm what all the teens are masturbating to now. I'm Slender Man."
"Slender Man? Oh shit! I don't have all eight pages! I'm so fucked!"
"Hey, don't worry about that. Those rules don't apply to you anymore."
"What are you talking about?"
"You don't know? You're not mediocre anymore. You're a monster, like me! This is now your territory. My forest is across the street. I heard you scream out in falsetto and I was like, 'Yep. That damn Fellatio chose a new Slinky Thang.' You lucky bastard."
"Slinky Thang? What the fuck? And what's this about Fellatio? Is she dead or not?"
"Fellatio was the first whore ever. Her specialty was sucking dicks, which is what her name means today. She slept with eight different men in exchange for food. The men's wives found out what was happening and they killed her. Fellatio made a deal with the devil and the devil released her from hell once every five hundred years. However, Fellatio would be consumed by lust and anyone who came in contact with her salvia would become consumed with a powerful lust. Soon, you'll be consumed by this lust. It'll never stop."
"Why the hell is my dick so long like a fire hose? Did she do this to me?"
"Well, like I said, the woman is good at what she does, and she loves doing what her name implies."
"So, does that mean that she sucked my dick this long?"
"That's right. She left about five minutes prior to you regaining consciousness."
"She sucked me for that long? Damn..."
"Two days straight. She does it to every victim she chooses every five hundred years. When she's done, she goes back to her grave until the next five hundred years."
"So, I'm cursed like this for five hundred years?"
"That's right. Any poor sucker who dares to come in this forest will become a victim of your unquenchable lust. Only the lucky soul who finds the eight ancient animal skin condoms of the eight men who fucked Fellatio will be able to escape your lustful grasp."
So, this was my life now. I went from being a mediocre man to a horny ass monster with a long dick. I'm now the Slinky Thang. I live in the forest across from Slender Man. I used to have tea with him every day at ten in the morning. We talk and bullshit for a while, laughing about our latest victims and how they always beg for us to stop or let them go. Slender's a pretty cool guy once you get to know him. Then again, I'm not his victim. As of right now, Slender and I aren't speaking to each other. I don't wear pants anymore, as I have to let my long dick hang free, and when I went to have tea with him the other day, he kept tripping over my dick and it really pissed him off. I rolled my dick up and left, going back to my forest and waiting for my next victim. So, if you stumble across the forest to the left of Slender's forest, just know that when you get that strange feeling and then you say, "I'm fucked," don't be alarmed when you hear me whisper to you, "Not yet, but soon!"
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Overused Running Gag
Category:PROOF DAT SLENDURMAN EXUSTS
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck