Darksouls lll: Scroll of Sorrow

I'm a total Draksouls fan much like nobody else. I like the newer barefoot shrine maidens, but I dob't mind the classics. I don't think I've ever been waist deep in Fromsoftware memorabilia or sweaty pairs of- lets just get to the story lol XD im so random.
I was playing Danksouls lll (I like how you're able to explore dead hollows in it ;) ) XD :)))))))))) until i noticed out of the corner of my eye, I see a message written by another player, which was weird because I was playing offline> (It's because i played on xbox and i have no gold so I can't play online it's not because i don't like to get invaded and i'm super good and i can easily parry you so shut up.) 	
My balls ached after seeing what the message said and definitely not because I don't shower well enough " Hey Harry, its me Mables. Look i found a game u r really gonna love because ALL the female characters in this game are barefoot lol love u see u in middle school :3 love, Mables Zich" that was really weird, not because I was gay or anything fuck u. I looked around a little bit more and I found a very long code of text that instantly turns itself into the game in Mables Zich's previous letter through a long and complicated process that nor you or I care enough to explain.
Booting up this pimpin game, i realized that it was a copy of the original darksouls except now the name of the game was darksoles. This titlescreen was incredibly sexy, but because the lame ass author writing this is too stupid to come up with any original ideas at all, he will go back to plaigorizing sonic.exe.
The first thing I noticed that was sexy was when I pressed start, there was a split second when I saw the title image turned into something much different, something that I now consider incredibly and unrelentingly erotic, before cutting to the cinematic. It was oscar, boots off, surrounded by caprademons jerkin their girkins with one hand while holding that stupid ass sword in the other. Did i mention im not gay? Im completely strait ur gay fuk u. After the cinematic, I selected that pimpin ass wizard to be my character because I have no shame. My character awoke in the undead asylum Undead asylum; ACt 1. I immediately spawned in the asylum demon's lair with absolutely nothing. No clothes, no weapons, no swag guice, no semen, no sexyness no- "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CONTINUE THE STORY" said the asylum demon with his jeans unzipped and his flaccid penias (cock) flailing around.
For the next approximately 24.75668563 seconds, I fought valiantly against the asylum demon but i was dogshit so i died. So i turned the game off. Just kidding! Im a total darksouls fan and that means 2 things! One is that I have a foot fetish and two is that i love to get fucked by giant lizards. I spawn back in and die over and over again for 7,375,684 years which is the half life for gigantic asshole lizards.
With half of his hp gone, I was easily able to defeat the gizzard. Sadly, he did not drop any souls and this made me very angry so I broke my table which made mom mad so i got my ass kicked. :( its hard being a redhead, its the darksouls of being white. After applying anti kickass cream to my entire body, I set out to lordran in order to see some feet and destroy the lord of cinder. Or at least thats what I would have done if i had any fucking items whatsoever. It was in my trail of tears that eventually led me to the gross sewer lady who sells purging stones (yes she was barefoot). I looked at her items and thats when I saw it. The Scroll of Sorrow. It had no cost though, only requiring an item i already had. When I hovered over it, the price was clear to me. "*buy Scroll of Sorrow with (Your Soul)*?" freaked out by this, i turned my xbox off. Just kidding! Curious, i selected yes and the sewer lady just said "mmmmm nice testicles my dude, mind if i grab em?" before I could answer, the lady extended her arm through my TV and halfway across the living room before cupping my sesticals gently before tugging hard. This made me cum and blush. The only time women touch me is by accident so this is a welcome change!!!! Anyways lol I picked my controller back up and smeared the cum off with my bare hand. This game IS sexy and definitely worth the 7,375,684 years i spent playing it!!!
I went into my inventory and used the scroll of sorrow and a text box came up onto the screen. What I saw next will make me blueballed for the rest of my life...
"All female characters are now wearing shoes" 
"nOOOOOOOOOOOO" I yelled, but it was too late... the game was ruined forever. "MUhahahahaha" i heard as an evilk kefka laugh ran through my 480p TV, nearly blowing out my speakers. "Holy shit!!!" I should've known...
As satan started to come out of my TV, I started to throw every object in my room that i could find: rubber dildo (definitely my girlfrends im straight remenber) a hammer, a juicebox, A comically large anchor, 4 more rubber dildos (once again not mine) and an improvised implosive device, which put everything back where i put it. He spoke.
"You have given me your soul mortal, now you will spend eternity in hell where you will suffer forever, MUHAHAHAHA!" satan said as he let out another kefka laugh. "Not so fast, homo" I said to satan "look at my hair." 
Satan was baffled and visibly cowering in fear and horror "you.. You... You're a ginger!!!!" "Hey! Ginger is our word, say ginga you racist!!!!!" "Yes sir, sorry sir" satan said sadly as he teleported away. Another victory royale. I sat and pondered the fact that I DID spend 7,375,684 years trying to beat a single boss without any attribute points at all, so I kinda already went to hell. But it didn't matter! Time to finally get some sweet sweet shrine maiden feet! 
==Incident report==
Man was found in his bedroom sitting on a small chair while playing a console with an unofficial game title in its software
Cause of death- UNKNOWN
Time of death- SEPTEMBER 30, 2013
The man had become mummified post death, leading investigators to believe cause of death to be dehydration
Matted fur had been found on the victim's neck belonging to an unidentified animal 
The man was last seen November 21st 2020
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Memes
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Vidya games