Parallel universe Seinfeld pops up out of nowhere to perform observational comedy

I'm lying sleeping with my eyes open in the dusk of a summer evening when I hear a funky bassline and canned laughter. I open my eyes wider to see the alien being Jelly Seinfeld and he says "nit nit kaka George, you can't even ZORG DEATH that, right?"
I shat the bed and not with laughter. A death ray seared my left bollock. Then Jelly Seinfeld entered a portal back to his own time and place. Apartment 5Z.
I stood in the kitchen sleeping, my scrotum resting in the palm of my right hand, my left hand flat against the kitchen tiles, arm stretched out propping me up.
My milkman's wife meowed and clawed at the edge of the door, begging to be let in so she could lap cream from [redacted]. It was this sound and the accompanying flood lighting from the burger joint next door that aroused me awoke.
The oven door slowly began to slide to one side. Strange I thought, that is a drawbridge style oven door like all the other oven doors in houses the world over. Jenny Seinfeld in a big greasy oven pan slid off the metal rack thingy you get in ovens, and onto the floor.
The female Jerry from a parallel universe.
I didn't know if I was turned on by Jenny Seinfeld. Funny yes. 90s hair in place. Teeth all the way across the mouth. Jeans with shirt and sweater present. Oh, yeah I said to myself in Cosmo's voice, giddy up.
"You know when you're having a litter of puppies and one of them looks just a bit too much like a kitten, but you don't remember sleeping with a tiger..." it began, going straight into a bit about whatever the hell was normal in Jenny Seinfeld universe.
I opened the door to the milkman's wife. Claws came out and still cupping my balls I backed away from the violence. When I returned to the kitchen hours later there was no blood, no milk. Just a litter of puppies and a round burn mark on the linoleum where the oven pan had been.
"Goodbye Jenny Seinfeld", I said to the puppy suckling on my teat. "Goodbye", I whispered to the ether.
I lay sleeping in the coronavirus wing of the hospital, my eyes wide woken and my body convulsing with laughter at the thought of finally dying finally.
The doc came in the room and said "你快死了 同性戀者". "So", I thought to my dying self, "I'll be dead soon". Better do what I gotta do.
I woke from my sleep, closed my eyes and went to the stairwell. Looking down the hole bit in the middle I could see all the way to the basement levels. Looking back at me were two eyes, glowing in the darkness of the lowest floor. I went down oh like probably 17 floors or something I wasn't counting it didn't seem important at the time, to be honest I don't see what you're annoyed about, does it make a difference exactly how many floors it was. Anyway, as I neared basement level -3 the face behind the eyes spoke.
"What's up, partner? Hows about you saddle up and we ride on out of this 'ere town". No stand up routine, just straight talk. It was Jessy Seinfeld.
Now, Jessy is a name that goes for both boys and girls and I wasn't sure from the ten gallon hat, chaps and plaid shirt which one this was. I came in close and french kissed Jessy Seinfeld hard on the mouth and elsewhere for the next couple of hours. Ok, Jessica, I thought inside my head-mush, let's get out of here.
A shiver walked down my spine, it was doctor 不合格. "You are a very sick person, you must return to the coronavirus dance-floor immediately," he insisted. I didn't know how to interpret that. I pulled my six-gun and shot him dead. Then i shot myself too in case I was my enemy. I wasn't sure anymore.
When I woke up in the coronavirus ward of Chopsticks Hospital I was not dead anymore. The nurse at the end of my bed was writing my chart, and when she looked up it was Jessy Seinfeld looking back at me. I pulled my six gun and shot myself dead.
When I woke up in the coronavirus ward of Chopsticks Hospital I was not dead anymore. The nurse at the end of my bed was writing my chart, and when she looked up it was Jessy Seinfeld looking back at me. I pulled my six gun and shot myself dead.
When I woke up in the coronavirus ward of Chopsticks Hospital I was not dead anymore. The nurse at the end of my bed was writing my chart, and when she looked up it was Jessy Seinfeld looking back at me. I pulled my six gun and shot myself dead.
...
When I woke up in the coronavirus ward of Chopsticks Hospital I was not dead anymore. The nurse at the end of my bed was writing my chart, and when she looked up it was Jessy Seinfeld looking back at me. I pulled my six gun and shot myself dead.
When I woke up in the bum burns ward of St. Fucktards Hospital I was not dead anymore. "Gosh darned groundhogs. You know when you're at the saloon and the bartender doesn't want any trouble, mister, but you're just itchin' for a gun fight?", said Jessy Seinfeld, before spitting into the sawdust on the floor. "Next time we go to a Chinese restaurant", I screamed in Frank Costanza's voice, "we need to book a table! We have missed the movie and all that shit!" But it was too late, I was all of China now.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep