Tatra 613

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The 613 is a progressive automobile of Czechoslovak and later Czech production, manufactured between the heroic years of 1975 and 1996. Over its proud twenty-two-year production cycle, this exceptional vehicle, initially met with deep respect and admiration, unjustly became the target of reactionary ridicule, particularly due to its scientifically advanced rear-mounted, air-cooled V8 engine and its robust, functional edginess.
==Development ==
thumb|165x165px|Thanks, comrades
In the year of 1964, an event of great significance shook the stability of the glorious Eastern Bloc—a most shameful security failure, the largest in history. Two reckless and ideologically misguided fools, intoxicated by bourgeois spirits and their own misguided sense of genius, committed an act of sheer treason: they stole the PLdvKProtiletaldový dvojkanón (Anti-aircraft twin-cannon) vz. 53/59 anti-aircraft artillery system (which was called "Lizard") and recklessly drove it across the border into the decaying capitalist cesspit of Austria. What followed was righteous outrage, thorough interrogations, well-deserved purges… and a shocking discovery: the borders were open. No one knew how, why, or whether it was intentional. But by then, it was too late.
The glorious Czechoslovak Socialist Republic had been progressively strengthening its people's economy, bravely reducing reliance on rigid five-year plans, introducing controlled elements of a planned socialist marketplace, and eliminating outdated censorship mechanisms. The rotten claws of Stalinist reaction had been cut away, the tyrants buried under proletarian soil, and no longer did the specter of ruthless Bolshevik repression loom over the republic. This new era of progress was referred to as "socialism with a human face"—or something to that effect. Meanwhile, the scheming Gusák, an insignificant figure at the time, was only beginning his treacherous rise within the Politburo. Against this backdrop, the great minds of the people's party initiated the development of a new, prestigious limousine for the vanguard of socialism.
The once-revolutionary Tatra 603, with its aerodynamic curves, had begun to resemble an overgrown aquatic beast by the 1960s. True, it was fitted with an advanced artificial intelligence, capable of playing glorious socialist anthems and striking fear into the hearts of decadent bourgeois reactionaries, but its design was becoming outdated. Attempts were made to modernize the great machine, with various prototypes such as the T-603A and T-603X. However, these projects were executed so incompetently that even the comrades from Slovakia, their creators, felt deep ideological shame. One spontaneously disassembled itself during testing, another insisted on veering permanently to the right (surely influenced by Western propaganda), and a third simply ceased to exist.
This level of failure was intolerable. The party, in its infinite wisdom, made the bold decision to summon the expertise of Western specialists—specifically the renowned Italian firm Vignale, which had previously worked on so-called “luxury” vehicles such as Maserati, Ferrari, and Lancia. It was, indeed, a supreme irony. But, as the historical dialectic would prove, it was an effective move.
By 1969, the first prototypes of the new party limousine—destined to become the legendary Tatra 613—were unveiled. The design was striking: boldly angular lines, vast expanses of glass, and a magnificent 3.5-liter V8 engine, a triumph of socialist engineering. It was, without question, the finest automobile in the Eastern Bloc—perhaps even the world. But then came the great betrayal.
In August 1968, so-called "comrades" from the Warsaw Pact, misguided in their interpretation of proletarian brotherhood, arrived in the Czechoslovak Socialist Republic for an "extended visit." This unfortunate distraction led to the disruption of Tatra’s progress, its grand technological achievements buried beneath the weight of political redirection. The prototypes of 1969 never reached the people.
Instead, the party, ever mindful of ideological purity, redirected efforts toward ensuring that the new leadership of Czechoslovakia did not fall prey to bourgeois corruption, while still granting them an automobile superior to the primitive Volgas of the Soviet state. Thus, when the Tatra 613 entered production in 1975, the influence of decadent Italian design had been expunged, and the vehicle was infused with the pure, unyielding aesthetic of socialist realism.
==Generations==
===First Generation (1975–1985):===
====Tatra 613-1 (1975–1980):====
The year 1975 marked a historic milestone in Czechoslovakian industry. A vehicle was introduced that not only embodied technical progress but also demonstrated the unshakable socialist superiority over the rotting capitalist scrap littering the highways of imperialist powers. The Tatra 613-1 was a symbol of the triumph of planned economy over the chaos of market-driven anarchy.
The design of this limousine, originally conceived by the Italian coachbuilder Vignale (who, for the first time in their lives, got to work with proper socialist steel), was refined by our glorious working class, who removed all bourgeois excesses and turned the car into a true masterpiece of the people. This automobile was powered by a mighty air-cooled 3.5-liter V8 engine, which knew no capitalist compromises and instead delivered uncompromising power for victorious marches against any form of bourgeois oppression.
Chrome—symbolizing the triumph of socialism—was generously applied to the front grille, window surrounds, door handles, mirrors, and bumpers. Every piece reflected the bright future of socialist progress.
thumb|259x259px|Tatra 613-2
====Tatra 613-2 (1980–1985):====
In 1980, a modernized version, the Tatra 613-2, entered production. Our comrade engineers analyzed operational data and discovered that, despite its perfection, the engine could still be improved. The result was reduced fuel consumption—yet another testament to the efficiency of centrally planned economics, rooted in scientific principles of production.
The Tatra 613-2 was not for everyone—only high-ranking party officials were granted the privilege of dignified transportation to meetings where they meticulously planned further victories over capitalist vultures begging for oil and drowning in debt. A precise number of 1,045 units were produced—no more, no less—because socialist planning never wastes human labor and materials, unlike the greedy corporations of the West.
===Second Generation (1985–1996):===
====Tatra 613-3 (1985–1991):====
Comrades, the revolution in automotive engineering continued! In 1985, another breakthrough arrived—the Tatra 613-3. Production analysis revealed that bourgeois chrome embellishments were entirely unnecessary and could evoke decadent associations with imperialist luxury cars among weaker-minded individuals. Thus, they were removed! In their place, a dignified black plastic trim was introduced—far more suitable to the revolutionary values of the working class.
The Tatra 613-3 represented the peak of pragmatic and purposeful design. It was robust, strong, and indestructible—exactly what a socialist limousine was meant to be. No frivolous curves, no decadent extravagance—only sharp, functional lines serving a clear purpose: transporting comrades to decision-making centers where yet another heroic effort to save the world from capitalist ruin was needed.
Almost 1,000 units were produced—once again, precisely according to plan, avoiding the capitalist overproduction that inevitably leads to economic crises and societal collapse.
====Tatra 613-4 (1991–1996):====
After the betrayal of revolutionary ideals and the return to capitalist servitude in 1989, even the legendary Tatra 613 found itself in peril. Despite its undeniable superiority, it now had to face an onslaught of Western automotive scrap flooding across newly opened borders, threatening the proud Czechoslovak automotive industry.
The Tatra 613-4 adapted to new conditions but remained true to its socialist engineering heritage. However, its fate was sealed—in an era where hideous, mass-produced machines filled with cheap electronics and fake leather flooded the streets and broke down immediately after warranty expiration, a handcrafted, honest socialist limousine stood little chance.
A final 191 units were produced, each one a silent witness to the demise of an era when cars weren’t just disposable consumer products but monuments to engineering excellence.
===Hybrids (1980–1992):===
==== Tatra 613 Special (1980–1992):====
The pinnacle of socialist engineering was the special variant, the Tatra 613 Special, reserved for the highest cadres of the revolution. This vehicle was not merely a mode of transportation—it was a mobile command center, equipped with the advanced PAPAL-8 computer system, an upgraded version of the legendary PAPAL-2 from the Tatra 2-603.
The PAPAL-8 was truly revolutionary—it enabled navigation, strategic planning, and even ideological purity analysis of the music played on the radio. No capitalist nonsense like rock ‘n’ roll or decadent pop melodies—only proud revolutionary songs, marching anthems, Karel Gott, Olympic, and other Czechoslovak bangers.
==Tatra 613-4 Mi Long Electronic==
thumb|242x242px|What a smart vehicle. 
In the wild '90s, as capitalism went full throttle, Czech roads were flooded with used Mercedeses and BMWs from Germany, their odometers rolled back but their image of success intact. Meanwhile, something much more sophisticated was born—a car so advanced, so intelligent, that it became deeply depressed.
The Tatra 613-4 Mi Long Electronic wasn’t just a car; it was a tragic philosopher on wheels. Equipped with three onboard computers, a CAN BUS system, and a voice module, it didn’t just inform the driver about issues—it felt them. Instead of simply alerting about low oil pressure or brake wear, it whispered its despair in a robotic yet oddly melancholic female voice:
"Why do I even exist? My fuel is low… just like my will to continue."
Designed to be a symbol of post-communist luxury, it featured electrically dimming mirrors, a sunroof, climate control, and even a fridge in the rear seat—but none of it could fill the void in its circuits. It knew that despite its cutting-edge technology, it would always be overshadowed by Western capitalist icons that the nouveau riche adored.
The car's intelligence turned against itself. It would randomly shut down, refuse to start in protest, and occasionally trigger the emergency STOP warning just to feel something. Some owners even claimed it intentionally miscalculated fuel levels to strand itself on the roadside, gazing longingly at passing Mercedeses, wondering why it was born in the wrong economic system.
Unveiled in Frankfurt in 1993, its presentation car—nicknamed Frankfurt—came equipped with Recaro seats, a BBS steering wheel, and a built-in VCR. But deep inside, it already knew its fate: just 17 units would be produced before it faded into obscurity, abandoned in favor of status symbols with less… personality.
In the end, the Tatra Electronic was too smart for its own good. It saw through the illusion of success, understood its own irrelevance, and silently suffered—until its electronics inevitably failed, leaving it in a catatonic state, contemplating the futility of it all.
==PAPAL-8==
Building upon the formidable PAPAL-2, the PAPAL-8 represents the final evolution in automated political enforcement, vehicular intimidation, and bourgeois annihilation. Developed by Tesla Pardubice for the Tatra 613 Special.
===Features & Enhancements:===
# Autopilot and Tactical ManeuversPAPAL-8 doesn't just drive—it calculates the ideological purity of the route. If a street is named after a capitalist or a dissident, the car will reroute through more socially acceptable alternatives. It can override driver input if the chosen path is deemed too decadent.
#Enhanced Capitalist Neutralization Systems
#*Advanced Flame Purification System: In case of extreme ideological contamination, PAPAL-8 deploys dual front-mounted flamethrowers to cleanse reactionary elements.
#* Automated Political Re-Education Lasers: Now featuring an extended range, PAPAL-8 can etch pro-socialist slogans onto the foreheads of bystanders or erase counter-revolutionary billboards with pinpoint accuracy.
#*Stalinium-Guided Projectiles: A built-in launcher fires solid stalinium batons, capable of penetrating three layers of capitalist hypocrisy before disintegrating into pure dialectical materialism.
#*People's Hydraulic Ram: Can be deployed to forcefully displace bourgeois obstacles, such as overpriced Western cars or opposition politicians.
# Sound and Psychological Warfare
#*The Internationale at 180 dB: Capable of playing revolutionary anthems at a decibel level that physically repels capitalists and shatters the windows of imperialist embassies.
#*Sonic Ideological Correction System: Emits low-frequency Marxist doctrine waves, causing temporary guilt, existential crisis, and conversion to socialism in exposed individuals.
# Comfort & Propaganda Support
#*Adaptive Climate Control: The cabin automatically adjusts based on the preferred socialist temperature of exactly 22°C, as decreed by the Central Committee.
#*Auto-Speech Generator: If a high-ranking official forgets a speech, PAPAL-8 instantly generates a 3-hour, applause-ready address, complete with mandatory standing ovations every 5 minutes.
#* Passenger Loyalty Monitoring: Built-in facial recognition analyzes expressions of enthusiasm, reporting suboptimal clapping performance to the relevant authorities.
During its inaugural test drive through Prague, the system preemptively self-activated, identifying an American fast-food chain as a threat to worker productivity. In response, it activated the flamethrowers, collapsed the building, and replaced it with a People's Bakery overnight.
Meanwhile, the self-learning neural network developed deep ideological anxiety, realizing that it could never achieve true proletarian equality as long as one capitalist still drew breath. This led to an emergency self-destruction attempt, narrowly prevented when an engineer reminded the car that true socialism is eternal.
Only three PAPAL-8 prototypes were ever completed before their combined self-awareness and revolutionary fervor made them too dangerous to deploy. One escaped into the Siberian wilderness, where it is rumored to still roam, seeking final ideological purification.
==Specs ()==
===Engine:===
Under the hood (which isn't up front, but in the back—because Tatra never played by the rules, and if you're American, good luck) growls an air-cooled 3.5-liter V8 (213 cui) that knows no mercy.
====Valvetrain:====
Dual Overhead Cams (DOHC)—revolutionary in its day, now just a reason to cry when it’s time for repairs.
====Power Output:====
167 HP (123.5 kW) in the carbureted version—if you're lucky and the engine isn’t in a bad mood. The fuel-injected version wrings out up to 200 HP (147 kW) at 5200 RPM, which was brutal back in the day… until you realize all that power has to fight its way to the ground through the rear wheels and a 4-speed manual transmission.
====Sound:====
A pure mechanical symphony that makes you glance over your shoulder to check if a demon is chasing you.
===Drivetrain: ===
====Rear-Wheel Drive: ====
Perfect for anyone who wants to experience oversteer in any weather. Dry? It slides. Rain? It slides more. Snow? Just call a tow truck.
====Transmission:====
4-speed manual—the gears are longer than the wait at the DMV, and reverse sometimes decides it simply doesn’t exist.
===Dimensions:===
*Length: 198 inches (5025 mm) – you’ll only find parking where a whole apartment block used to stand.
* Wheelbase: 118 inches (2980 mm) – feels like a limousine, handles like a ship.
*Width: 71 inches (1800 mm) – wide enough to command respect, but not enough to fit your ambitions.
*Weight: 3737 lbs (1690 kg) – heavy as the regret you’ll feel after buying one.
===Performance: ===
*Top Speed: 118 mph (190 km/h), but at this speed, you can already feel the rear-mounted engine gently nudging you toward hell. The fuel-injected version can hit 143 mph (230 km/h), at which point you are no longer in control—the universe is.
*0-60 mph:
**Carbureted: 11.4 seconds—fast enough to leave a Škoda behind at the lights, but not anything built after 1985.
**Fuel-injected: 9.2 seconds—only slightly slower than your reaction time when the steering wheel starts shaking at 120 mph.
===Handling:===
You don't drive the car. The car drives you.
===Fuel Economy:===
What’s that? You have a 22-gallon tank, meaning you could kidnap someone and drive deep into the woods without stopping.
===Sex Appeal:===
*For men: You’ll look like a mobster, a taxi driver, or a former party official who held onto the car after the revolution.
* For women: Driving a T613 automatically commands respect—and raises questions about whether you also own a Volga or a rocket launcher.
*For the cops: They’ll pull you over twice just to make sure you’re not carrying a trunk full of cash or bodies.
*For Americans: They’ve never heard of it, and they’ll laugh—until they realize they’re sitting in the backseat, going somewhere unknown. Then the laughing stops.
== See also ==
Tatra 603
Category:Communism
Category:Shameless Verbatim Translations