Hobo

Hey, kid. Yeah, you. Get over here. It's time for you to learn the ways of the world. You've reached the age where... hey, you got twenty dollars? It's for charity. For my friend, Jack Daniels. Thanks, kid. Anyway, it's about time you left all your youthful optimism behind and started learning what it's really like to live around here. Trust me, after livin' over twenty years homeless on these here streets, I know what I'm talkin' bout. Alright, first thing is that you gotta watch out for those damn witches.
==Yes, witches.==
You heard me right, kid. Don't you dare laugh, I ain't kiddin', not one bit. They done taught you witches were figments of yer... imaginamanation. Well, they ain't. You gunna trust those bi- sorry, witches, and then they gonna tear your heart out and just rip it right up. You can't trust 'em. And you don't know which one of dese guldam women on dis here road is a witch, do ya?
You go and be all fancy-like and nice to 'em, and they'll cast their evil witchery all over ya, and you think, "Aw, now, she ain't ever gonna betray me and leave me a sad sack of a man lyin' on a highway road wit only a lil' bottle of liqour to keep him c'mnay!" Well, I gun tell ya, you be dead wrong. Simply dead wrong. You don't trust dem women, you herd me clear? Don't you trust dose witches, they gonna getcha if'n you don't keep an eye out. Done cast their lovin' spells all over youse.
==Your family ain't gunna keep lovin' you for very long.==
No they ain't, they most certainly ain't. You gonna grow up, go to kaw-ledge or whatever it is you fancy-pants do nowadays, and then your family just gonna up and stop lovin' ya completely. You mite as well just leave 'em right now and just furget the pain they mighta caused ya in the past, because it be over now, guldam it. They a big darn buncha gypsies, and don't you go furgettin' it.
They gunna sell you. But you can trust yer ol' friend Hobo Pete, I ain't gonna stop carin' boutcha, no matter what.
==You gunna need a companion when you stroll these streets.==
There's a lotta dangers out here when you gots to avoid yer own family and all dose dangerous wimmens, but I keep yah safe, hear? I gunna feeds ya and treat ya like you're my own son. I'll protect ya from that other bastard down there, the one wit the long beard and the one who smells like cheap whiskay. Don't choo worry, you cun tell if'n its me by the fine whiskey scent on mah. Don't you worry your little head about it.
Do you trust meh now, boy? Good. Let's git outta here before one of dose cops go and see me talkin' to ya, they don't approve of dat for some reason. It's not like I'm some sort of rapist or nuttin.
Just not a typical rapist. I prefer little kids... like yerself. 
But ya trust me, right? Cuz I ain't gonna do it to you, no sir. At least not now.
What? Never mind what I jest said! I'm an ol' man and my brain ain't workin' quite so good no more. Com'n, now, let's go under that bridge where no one can see us. I gots a surprise for ya.
==See also==
*Magic Hobo
*The Sand Hermit
*Hoboeroticism
*Hobo Juggling
*HowTo:Be a Tramp
*Hobo Army
*Salvation Army
*New York hobos
Category:Poverty
Category:Articles caused by authors who smoke crack
Category:Occupations
Category:Hobbies
ar:التسول