The Lloydmaster

Poor little Dickie had always been a short sighted young man, choosing never to look beyond his sphere of intricacies and mild fascinations. He'd made some minor discoveries since puberty, but nothing of note for you see, Dickie was a 42 year old virgin played by Macauly's Culkan.
One day whilst painting his Warhammer 40k figurines, his mother entered his room and smashed a Monkeyshoulder bottle over his head, so he knew it was time to leave the house for the evening so she could remember what it was like to be single with no children. He made his way to the edge of town where the cement ends and the boardwalk begins. Upon the final stretch of solid wood, there was a cement building with no sign and no windows. The place could not have passed regulation, but who the fuck builds a place like this on a boardwalk anyway? Dickie was curious and had nowhere to be, so he decided to investigate.
Upon entry, Dickie became immediately aware of the distinct lack of light and the pungent stench of poo and vinegar. From behind the densely stocked shelves an old, weary Christopher Lloyd wheels his dolly of pornography and sex toys out to a nearby empty shelf with the intention of setting up a full stock of fresh jiggly fake asses. From the corner of his eye, Mr. Lloyd notices Dickie staring into the dark, probing for anything he can make out. It finally occurred to Mr. Lloyd that other humans could not see in the dark as he could and so he clapped his hands and the lights illuminated the vast array of smut to this newcomer, Dickie.
Excited to meet his first patron, Lloyd approached him, chipper as could be, bending his nine foot frame at the knees to shake sticky hands with Dickie.
"Welcome to Lloyds One Stop Smut Shop For Old Thots, young man. Don't tell me! You're here for a special magazine."
"m-m-Mr.-"
"SHOOSH, SHOOSH, SHOOSH, STOP, STOP, STOP! Allow me to guess; I have a talent for guess how people skeet. You're in need of a role playing fantasy flick! Big plumbers, lonely housewives, ferocious gaping!"
"Look all I want is-"
"Futanari Obsession! Of Course! You're a man who loves a woman with a massive cock! Brimming with wicked siemens and demure little furry bois!"
"No! No! That's not it!"
"COCK AND BALL TORTURE! COOOOOOOCK AND BALL TORTURE! Leather whips! Cigarette burns! Gaping anuses! PIG MAAAAAASKSSSS! Yes... It's BDSM for you, boy, I'm sure of it. You're not a cop, are you? You have to tell me if you are."
"No, Mr., I'm not!"
"You are now."
Christopher Lloyd reveals his talent for slight of hand, seemingly pulling a fake policeman's hat and badge from thin air and places them upon Dickie's person.
"This is your passport to the quite unpredictable world of being a sexual deviant!"
"But, I don't want to be a sexual deviant!"
"Hm?"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you! I only came in here because I was bored!"
"You mean you don't need- Oh, I see..."
"You got Fortnite on your I-pad?"
Mr. Lloyd raises his great trunk of an arm and points his long nailed finger towards a heavy, wooden door reinforced with iron bindings, chains, and caution tape.
"Through there... proceed in the dark until you're about knee deep in what's probably water and make a left until you find the erm... gaming section and you'll find it. you can't miss it."
Dickie proceeded to open the massive, heavy door. He strained as he heaved it open, then he calmly entered into the dark and was never seen again.
The End.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Inside Jokes
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep