Why I'll Never Like The Cat In The Hat

Good day complete strangers my name is Ernie, and today on Peppermint Park I'm here to tell you about the letter M. It's marvellous! Magnificent! I can't imagine life without the letter M. How would you order M&M's without the letter M? What would you say? What would you do? Oh... I appear to have gotten the wrong paper no in reality I'm here to talk to you esteem readers out there about my one true fear. A fear that is so great that not even Tim Allen could save me. This phobia that I am about to talk about far exceeds my other phobias. I mean I do of course have the usual fears like spiders, snakes, heights, and cynical Spanish instructors who punish CP3O because their hearts are as cold as ice ci? However, none of those pale imitations of fears can even compare to my one true fear which is... are you ready boys? My one true fear is the Cat In The Hat.
It's The Cat In The Hat, there's no doubt about that. He's a super fun loving feline whose here to make sure that you're feeling fine. I have always had this weird phobia of Cat In The Hat ever since my Great Grandmother Edgar first read the story to me back in the summer of 87 or maybe it was 88 I'm not so good with remembering dates not really no. Why was I scared of this fun loving feline who wears the dumbest hat you ever did see? Well I'm not really sure to be honest with you. It think a part of it may come from the implications surrounding the story. You know; a 6 foot tall cat human hybrid breaking into children's homes and making them partake in confusion and delay. He then helps the kids dispose of the evidence with the help of his two aides Thing 1 & Thing 2. Oh my giddy aunt please don't get me started on those abominations! They look like what would happen if Marge Simpson made whoopie with Tom Cruise's CD collection. In all honesty, those two little fuckers might be even more scary than The Cat In The Hat himself.
My fear of The Cat In The Hat eventually extended into nightmares. Every time, I close my eyes or drift into sleep I see The Cat In The Hat. His face is sharp like a pen and his eyes are devoid of all colour and all good humour. "Let's have some funnnnnnn!" The Cat In The Hat would proclaim as he then proceeded to chase me around my living room with a pair of scissors. Didn't anyone ever teach you not to play with scissors Cat? One time, I remembered dreaming that I was lying in my Lighting McQueen themed bed when I looked up at the ceiling and saw The Cat In The Hat had somehow managed to stick himself onto it. He was using a series of four toilet plungers in order to help keep him in the air. Eventually, he said, "I will not bite." He then proceeded to leap onto me but thankfully the dream ended before I could see the aftermath of the situation. Though I am sure it's very safe to assume that it wasn't very pretty. My fear of Cat In The Hat got so bad in my younger days that I would often refuse to go to bed at night which eventually led to Great Grandmother Edgar spiking my daily glass of milk with sleeping pills sometimes cod liver oil depending on which way the sea is facing in Arizona.
The Cat In The Hat has always been on my mind ever since I first heard the story, and it made growing up very tricky for me. Peppermint Park was a very small place after all. Word gets around town quickly ya know? I was often bullied on a regular basis because of this phobia. Most notably I was bullied by a local tractor named Terrence and these two bastard dinosaurs named Snorkie and Knurkel. Snorkie is very dumb and doesn't know how time works. She believes that you slow down time by slowing down a clock through the use of screws. Meanwhile, Knurkel while certainly more intelligent and quick witted than Snorkie he was much more aggressive and used to eat the residents of Peppermint Park until Lord Peppermint declared Knurkel's bizarre appetite to be a form of cannibalism. The pair often pick on me because they love Cat In The Hat a lot. I mean seriously the pair both live in an underground bunker that has a shrine of the dreaded Cat In The Hat in their closet. There's a grape in the centre of the photo, and if you squint you may just be able to see it, but even then it's just so hard to tell! The pair had been informed of my phobia through Terrence The Tractor. They hated me even though I know fully well that several years ago in New York; Knurkel was an informer for the police and his assistance of the police put several Oreo cookie dealers away for life. Some story. Some Knurkel. He's trying to change the past, but he'll never quite be able to outrun it.
Terrence on the other hand or the other caterpillar I should say was a rather annoying son of a gun. He was indeed a tractor who worked on the fields of Peppermint Park. I often pass by the fields on my way to work. I work as a teacher in an old rundown retirement home where I teach old farts about what would happen if we no longer had the letter M. How could you purchase mayonnaise without the letter M? What could you do? What would you call it? Sorry about that random diversion, allow me to say that Terrence was very rude, and he had this really annoying God awful theme song which accompanied him every where he went. Every which way but Terrence know what I mean? Terrence always made fun of me about my fear of Cat In The Hat. I used to attempt to bounce back with some insults of my own regarding Terrence's caterpillar wheels, but stopped doing it after I learned that Terrence had a lot of dangerous Russian gangsters in his employ. He sure did have a lot of connections that damn Terrence. He never used to be like this however as back in the old days he was once a very fun loving tractor who took jokes about his wheels with humour, but now he's just a shadow of a tractor. How unbelievably tragic!
Feeling sorry for my plight, my two best friends and only friends as a matter of fact: Maynard Paynard and Piggle decided to send me to therapy with Doctor Carrot. Doctor Carrot advised me to simply count my friends, but me having no idea what the fuck that meant decided to abandon the therapy sessions three months in advance though I was still required by contract to pay Doctor Carrot a small fine of 60 grand. Though I managed to get the last laugh by eating a packet of baby carrots in front of Doctor Carrot while he attended a seminar up at Dorchester University. At the seminar, Doctor Carrot was attempting to explain the difference in aero dynamic pulses, but upon noticing me in one of the back pews eating from a packet of baby carrots he left the stage in fear and disgust. Some of those baby carrots were his children ya know buster? Well actually they were all his children, but the point remains the same regardless. The play's the thing after all.
So with therapy with Doctor Carrot having failed miserably, I was getting ready to pack my bags and move to New York City, but I was stopped by Piggle and Maynard who said that the best way to treat my phobia was exposure therapy. "What do you mean by exposure therapy?" I inquired as Piggle responded by pulling a spotlight out from his ass as he said, "when the colour red comes on like this and you're driving a car..." Maynard proceeded to cut Piggle off as he began explaining that in order to conquer my fear of Cat In The Hat I would have to watch the 2004 Mike Myers movie. According to Maynard; if I were to watch Cat In The Hat my fear of the demon cat would be conquered forever. So in my upmost wisdom I agreed to watch the movie with them. Actually no I tell a lie as I attempted to make a break for it only to get restrained to my sofa by the pair. I was unable to get back up as Piggle and Maynard had placed incredibly sticky honey onto the sofa. Lots of it too mind you. Well that's a funny way to say I do! I guess I should explain some deets about Maynard and Piggle, and why they both felt the sudden urge to help me get over my fear of Cat In The Hat.
Piggle was rather infamous in Peppermint Park for stealing stoplights from poles. Piggle has a thing for stoplights which I think came from the fact that his very first serious girlfriend was a jolly rancher. That girl was a puckers! I guess you could say she was pucking mad! Ha ha! Piggle's habit was initially seen with good humour by the locals of Peppermint Park until he stole a stoplight from Fierro Street. Piggle's best friend and part-time lover Wily appeared at Piggle's shed and discovered that Piggle was doing some very smelly things with the stoplight. He was sticking it in his mouth, and the less said about it the better. Nough said! "Exactly where did you get it from?" Wily asked curiously. "Um from that big pole around the corner." Piggle explained rather sheepishly. "Piggle! That light was very important on that poll!" Wily and his little tirade was cut off as the pair heard cars crashing into each other outside. In truth, Piggle had made a real fucking mess, and several drivers had been killed because of his stealing the stoplight. Wily would have reported Piggle's actions to General Asquith, but Piggle beat Wily to death with a red baseball bat before he had a chance to do so. Since then, Piggle had served two times in jail for stealing stoplights. One in Italy and one in Canada. He tried to go straight he did, but how does one stop loving stoplights? No pun intended by the by.
Now Maynard I'm not going to waste your time because to be frank with you I haven't got much to say about ole Maynard. He used to be cool back in the 1940's, In fact, Maynard used to be yellow but now he's laid back and mellow. He used to be red hot but now he's stone cold. This was probably due to the fact that Maynard's body was bigger than his head therefore meaning that the body proportions just didn't add up in the slightest. Maynard was a very sad old fart who was actually a student at the old retirement home I teach lessons at as we discussed earlier if you were paying attention dear. Anyways, Maynard spent every single lesson singing about how much of a miserable bastard he was. Unlike Piggle, Maynard had a reason for helping me get over my fear of Cat In The Hat. As a child, Maynard was often forced to dress up as The Cat In The Hat for birthday parties. His father was a fricking polar bear who placed an electric shock collar around the young Maynard's neck in order to stop the young boy from making any mistakes. Any mistakes made were unforgivable in Maynard Sr's eyes as he had after all attended West Coast Tec with one of McCluskey's son. So perhaps in this insistence society is indeed to blame.
Sitting down on the sofa, Maynard sang, "when I was young I used to be red hot always trying to be a big shot." "Cool story bro." I said as Piggle placed the DVD into my PlayStation 3. The film was normal until the Cat In The Hat appeared on screen. It didn't look like any of us were expecting. I ducked underneath the sofa cushions, and using a spatula tried my best to pry myself free from the sticky honey that my fat ass was stuck to. I knew that Mike Myers' Cat In The Hat had a rather infamous reputation due to a review from someone we all know. His name is Mark Brown. Browner than the frown. Ha! Despite having pre-existing knowledge of what the Cat would look like in this film, it still wasn't enough to prepare me. "Well I'm The Cat In The Hat there's no doubt about that!" The Cat In The Hat proclaimed happily as I tried my darn best to look away only for Piggle to force my head to face the screen. "Don't you dare close your eyes!" Piggle threatened as he pulled out a fricking handgun and held it to my head. Oh little Piggle he's just a scamp! The film was very weird as according to Piggle, some of the scenes weren't correct.
When the Fish attempted to call Cat out for his behaviour, the Cat simply responded by sitting that sucker up his ass as Alec Baldwin appeared in the doorway pulling an incredibly cheesy face. The kind of cheesy cheese face that only an Alec Baldwin could manage to pull off successfully. Upon noticing the aforementioned Alec Baldwin, the Cat In The Hat proclaimed, "you need to fly high into the sky Mr Apple Pie!" The Cat In The Hat then proceeded to lift Baldwin high up into the air by his neck, and then using all of his strength threw Baldwin out the already open living room window. Alec Baldwin flew all the way up past Hushaby Mountain and Caramel Mountain until he eventually crashed landed outside the old saw mill on the Island of Sodor. He would have died from the impact of the fall had not been for the fact that there was some big bags of flour placed there in order to help cushion his fall. I reckon that would probably still hurt given the fact he fell from 50 feet in the air, but whatever let's not judge Alec Baldwin as he is one of our lord and saviours after all. Upon recovering from his fall, Alec Baldwin looked at the screen and asked the viewer, "did you put all this here for me? You must of know I was coming how thoughtful of you!" Was I Alec Baldwin's illusion this entire time? Was it all just an act?
Back at the house of maniacs, the Cat In The Hat decided to present Thing 1 & 2 who surprisingly looked even more horrifying than before. Their teeth were as sharp as knives, their skin had 2% more wrinkles on them, and so and so forth. I let out a small pitiful yelp which to my utter horror the Cat had somehow managed to hear through the TV screen as he proclaimed, "do not fear for I will not bite you, but I will make you soup." Then as if by magic, the Cat In The Hat started climbing through my TV screen. Piggle tried to push the bastard Cat back with a broomstick but it was no use as the Cat was far too strong for little ole Piggle.
Meanwhile, Maynard brought out some emergency honey remover in the form of a singing snail. "Ride like the wind!" The snail sang. It was a rather cute snail with it wearing a bow tie and shit. However, Maynard responded to the snail's singing by slamming it down on the sofa crushing it to death in the process. Maynard then went on to smear the snail's slime all over the honey which somehow enabled me to break free as The Cat In The Hat appeared in my living room. "Honey that snail wasn't broken when you bought it." The Cat said as he started clicking his fingers and twirling his hips. I attempted to leave the house, but I was stopped when Thing 1 & 2 appeared to guard it. "What's the hurray Murray?" Thing 1 inquired, as I using all my speed ran upstairs with the Cat in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, Thing 1 & Thing 2 had been dispatched into the living room in order to 'entertain' Maynard and Piggle. "Make it stop!" Piggle cried at the very top of his little piggy lungs as his face started to melt off like a slice of cheesy cheese pizza.
Inside my bedroom, I decided to hide under the bed. I heard the door creak open, but I could not claim to have seen the dreaded Cat's paws appear beneath the bed. I swear I could hear my heart pounding in my head, but then I remembered it was just my phone which I had recently gotten pimped out by the owner of Montgomery Flea Market. You buy one at the market we're talking about flea market. Montgomery! It's just like it's just like a mini mall! Anyways, the Cat then appeared beside me underneath the bed as he asked, "who are we hiding from?" He then proceeded to do his trademark laugh as I sped crawled my way out of the bed, and back onto the landing but the Cat In The Hat was once again in hot pursuit. He managed to pick me up which I responded by kicking him right into his conkers. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The Cat In The Hat cried as he sank to his knees in pain. I guess he must have gone into shock then as he froze in time for a good ten seconds as I ran down the stairs, and into the living room. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SAW!
Thing 1 & Thing 2 were riding on a lawnmower, and were crashing into things as Piggle and Maynard hid behind the sofa in utter fear. At precise moment, I heard the doorbell ring, and I went to go and see who it was. I didn't even manage to answer the door as I saw the face of none other than Alec Baldwin appear in the doorway. "Did someone call an Alec?" Alec Baldwin grinned as his teeth sparkled like parkle. "Mr Baldwin I am a huge fan I....." I was cut off when Alec Baldwin took notice of the three creatures that we currently had hanging out in my living room. "Oh my wickers!" Alec Baldwin cried at the top of his lungs. Baldwin then proceeded to explain to me that the events that happened in the film were actually completely real, and like me he too had earned himself an irrational fear of the Cat In The Hat. There was no doubt that. However while explaining this to me, Baldwin and I failed to notice Thing 1 & Thing 2 driving down the street in their lawnmower.
Back in the living room, the Cat In The Hat was hosting his own cooking show for some reason, and even had his own co-star who was just the Cat dressed in drag. According to Piggle, Cat had just gone doing a racially insensitive dance number whilst having huge coconut breasts. Now that's what I wanted to see! We all huddled into the kitchen as I discussed catching the next plane to New York City. "No that won't do any good." Alec Baldwin said as he then continued with, "I mean with all due respect gentlemen, we're never going to leave the country with that fucking cat on the loose." "So what do you suggest is reasonable?" I asked to which Baldwin simply replied with, "well nobody knows he's here. We could kill him." "Marvellous!" Piggle exclaimed at the top of his lungs. Maynard meanwhile was sobbing heavily into his sleeve as The Cat In The Hat had forced him to eat cat food. Poor old Maynard? I guess I'm not really sure. "But how?" I proceeded to ask like some kind of Mr Krabs. "Think goose my friend think goose." Alec Baldwin explained while tapping the side of his head with two of his fingers.
We headed upstairs into my ball room. Yes I have a ball room located in my house just like everyone else does right? Right? Right!? Oh buggering buggerton please don't seriously tell me that I'm the only one that does that! In the centre of the ball room sat a large diamond crusted piano. Alec then said, "maybe I have a plan." He then proceeded to start playing a tune on the piano as he then continued with, "yes I do, but I'll need your help." For some reason, Baldwin saying this made me very angry as the piano then ended up falling through the dancefloor. I had been meaning to fix that dancefloor, but the prices oh man the prices! The piano ended up falling through seven stories until it eventually crash landed on top of The Cat In The Hat. I should also probably mention that Alec Baldwin was still playing the damn piano as it fell through the floorboards, but he couldn't give a flying fuck. He's Alec Baldwin he knew what he was doing. The Cat In The Hat was trapped underneath the piano, and after we eventually managed to push the damn thing out of the way we discovered that the Cat looked squashed like a pancake. We then proceeded to lift Cat onto the table as Baldwin headed into the kitchen in order to make a very important phone call.
One hour later, General Asquith and a small platoon of soldiers appeared outside my house. They had even gone as far as to bring a fricking tank onto the scene. Now ain't that a little excessive? My sister will be suspicious... if I had one anyway. General Asquith made his way inside my house accompanied by his lieutenants, and was asked to see the Cat who was laying on top the living room table with a tea towel thrown over him. "Well lets have a look then." General Asquith said as Baldwin proceeded to remove the tea towel revealing the Cat's face to the horrified General Asquith. "Good God... and that's real? It's not a hoax or maybe even a guy in a costume?" Asquith asked bewildered. "Nobody could have made this up Sir." Baldwin said as he recovered the Cat's face with the tea towel. "We've got experts being flown in. Until they arrive get that out of sight!" Asquith commanded. "Did someone say my name?" The Cat In The Hat proclaimed at the top of his lungs as he awoke from his slumber, and grabbed Asquith by the stomach and started dancing with the general in a spicy old Italian Tarantella. "Oh dearie me what ever shall we do?" Alec Baldwin remarked with a rather sarcastic inflection as he proceeded to drink from a glass of icy black wine. What are you a dancing judge reader? Take a walk around the neighbourhood make sure that everything is cool!
General Asquith eventually managed to break free from the Cat's grasp as he yelled, "Mr Cat! Under section three of the emergency protocols: it is my duty to bring you to justice." He then finished his little rant with, "and by God I'll put this country under martial law if I have to!" "Tickle fight!" The Cat proclaimed as he started tickling General Asquith with a feather duster. This caught the general and his lieutenants completely off guard, and it allowed for the Cat In The Hat to escape into the outside world where he caused a bus to crash into the local stationmaster's house. The stationmaster was busy eating his breakfast with his lover Sam the conductor while a cynical diesel engine egged them on from a nearby window. Look what The Cat In The Hat did to their breakfast? Now they shall have to cook some more! We decided to leave General Asquith and his soldiers behind to clean up the mess as Cat and his two dodgy friends had made a real fucking mess of my painting of the Junkyard Dogs. Truly a painting that we all wish to have. They had also broken all the lights on Piggle's stoplight. Honey that stoplight was broken when he bought it. Mm yeah. Anyways, the four of us then proceeded to make our way out of the house and onto the busy streets of Peppermint Park.
Arriving in the city, we found everyone to be surprisingly disinterested by the six foot tall cat human hybrid that was walking around. Some people even seemed to be weirdly delighted and entertained by the monster cat demon. Most especially Disco Stu who upon seeing The Cat enter a porta potty started dancing towards the Potty while singing, "oh yeah!" Disco Stu was twerking as he made his way inside the same porta potty. Not long after, Thing 1 & Thing 2 appeared on the scene, and made their way inside the exact same porta potty. What on Earth was going on in there? I just have to know! Also, the porta potty was located in the middle of a busy street due to the fact that there been loads of shitty accidents over the past few weeks due to the fact that there was only one bathroom in the whole of Peppermint Park which was located at Mayor Peppermint's house, In order to be able to use the toilet, you must first draw some water from the well, and then ask Mayor Peppermint for a special key. If you should fail to receive the key given the kind of mood that Mayor Peppermint is in at the time of asking said question, then do not fear for the Mayor will stick a box of Tic Tacs into your mouth before sending you on your merry way. Thankfully due to the inception of this brand new porta potty. This was no longer necessary.
Sensing that something was up, we proceeded to make our way inside the porta potty. Maynard declined to come with us, and in fact he won't appear at all in the rest of this story. This was due to the fact that Maynard and Alec Baldwin hated each other. The pair had worked together on an unreleased film made in the early 2000's entitled, "Kings Of Hills." Hmm that name sounds rather familiar to a show on the Fox network, I think it's called Family Guy. Though years have passed since their time together, Alec Baldwin and Maynard Paynard still had this immense hatred for each other. It was so obvious that you could almost taste it. Inside the porta potty, I have to admit I was taken a back a bit at first. Instead of seeing a disgusting floater inside a very cramped toilet or maybe even an orgy even the amount of people who went inside the porta potty, my friends and I were instead able to find ourselves inside a massive amusement park which seemed to look an awful lot like the Dr Seuss themed ride from Universal Studios. Cha ching!
The amusement park was very weird due to the fact that you had to use incredibly old and overweight Asian ladies to cross the water made entirely from melted jelly beans and the rabbit droppings of the Easter Bunny. Now I know what you're all probably thinking to yourself right now; isn't the Easter Bunny a bunny not a rabbit? Well I wouldn't know! Overweight elderly Asian ladies being used as life rafts was a system put in place by Cat In The Hat in order to promote more diversity in his damn amusement park? How do I claim to know so much about this amusement park despite never having previously been here before? Well trust me my friend I've got my sources. I will admit however some aspects of the amusement park were pretty cool like some kind of Lawrence Fletcher. The park had this really cool log ride where you get to ride down a fricking water fall. At the very end of the fall, you can collect some fossils. Fossils duh duh! Well sometimes anyway you certainly couldn't do that today due to a hole in the satellite picture, While riding on the log ride, I proclaimed, "this is amazing it's a like in an amusement park!" "What you mean like at Universal Studios?" The Cat In The Hat asked he suddenly appeared behind in the log cart. He was holding two tickets to Universal Studios as he then proclaimed with a wink; "cha ching!" Before we were even able to catch that bastard of a cat; we ended up falling down the water fall made from Easter Bunny droppings.
I got from the floor, and started brushing myself off when I happened to spot Thing 1 playing Shrek 2 on Xbox in an old abandoned kiosk which used to be ran by a toll collector whose love for Club Penguin severely crippled her toll boothing abilities therefore making her unsuitable for the job. Therefore Batman can suck on that! I ran over to the kiosk, and managed to kick the door open using all my upper body strength to do so. I tried my best to catch the slimy little fucker, but still Thing 1 was far too strong for me, and he would have broken free. Except Alec Baldwin appeared in the shadows behind him, and proceeded to grab him by the neck. We brought Thing 1 over to a small clearing which was located next to a very deep bit of water. I mean it was really one like 1 inch of water, but just 1 inch is enough to drown a Thing didn't ya know? Someone ought to teach Dr Doom that one day. Piggle then proceeded to pull out a stoplight from his ear, as he asked, "you know what that is?" "A mouldy penis." Alec Baldwin answered bluntly as Piggle proclaimed, "that's right it's a sexy sexy co..." "This is getting us no where!" I yelled angrily as I started beating the snot out of Thing 1 until his face became so smashed in he almost looked like a pot of Cadbury's Smash. Piggle meanwhile proceeded to throw a garrotte around Thing 1's neck as I began interrogating him.
I demanded to know what Cat In The Hat had planned up his sleeves. "He's planning to take over the world." Thing 1 explained. "Wow how original, but how?" I asked confused. Piggle drew the garrotte tighter and tighter but it seemed to have no effect as Thing 1 then proceeded to explain that Cat In The Hat was planning on turning everyone on Earth into garlic chicken spring rolls. To make a long story short; basically, The Cat In The Hat was furious with how much hate his 2003 film got, and he planned vengeance. Conspiring with Thing 1 & Thing 2, Cat In The Hat schemed to assassinate General Asquith in order to take control of the British Armed Forces. With the military under his paws, Cat would have no problems whatsoever when it came to storming Buckingham Palace. Once inside the Palace, Cat would usurp the Queen before taking his rightful place on the throne.
Thing 1 then went on to explain that Cat also believed that the world had become too impure and was not following the vision of his creator the late great Dr Seuss to a tee. "So, how will the Cat turn people into garlic chicken spring rolls?" "He does it by...." Thing 1 was cut off as a harpoon was thrown right through his eye piercing his brain in the process. Thing 1 died instantly from this, and upon facing the other side of the smelly river I discovered The Cat In The Hat and Thing 2 to have been responsible, with Thing having been one to fire the harpoon. "I'll make sure you're the next one to go Cat." I said ominously as me and my friends made our way out of the porta potty and back onto the now seemingly deserted streets. For the next couple hours, my friends and I looked all around the streets for The Cat In The Hat. We asked the locals, but they shunned our questions with so much sarcasm it hurts. We even asked the local farmer who responded by holding his fist up towards a statue of George Washington's wood dealer. We tried to catch this on camera, but the farmer had a boiled potato for a head so he refused to pose for a video. Shame! Imagine the views! The money, the power, the cheese, the tower! Ahem! Sorry about that random tangent, anyways after brutally murdering the farmer with a machete, Alec Baldwin spotted Cat In The Hat in the town square disguised as a man named Mr Ting.
As Mr Ting, The Cat In The Hat started selling joints to people in the town square. Peppermint Park Vice Detectives having caught wind of this blatant drug dealing in public attempted to bust Cat's deals, but he responded by stuffing a bag of white into their pockets. The detectives both pulled incredibly saucy fingers whilst also performing really weird hand gestures as they proceeded to make their leave. The Cat In The Hat was a very clever cat I had to give him that! The ole sneaky bastard and Thing 2 had crushed the contents of a bag of garlic chicken spring rolls so much that they were then able to mix the contents into joints. Sure enough; soon people after taking a huge puff from the joints ended up turning into weird humanoid garlic chicken spring rolls. I then saw that acclaimed weatherman Dallas Coleman was watching from a nearby bench. "Dallas! Dallas! You've got help me!" I cried in despair to which Dallas Coleman responded by rubbing the back of his head nervously before saying, "well I'm not really qualified Ernie." He then proceeded to pull an incredibly cheeky Dallas Coleman smirk. The kind of smirk that only a mother could love, in some cases anyway even then it's not always a guarantee that she will. My friends and I hid underneath a car belonging to an incredibly old shrew as Cat In The Hat still disguised as Mr Ting started to discuss his evil plan with Thing 2.
Turns out that in his final moments; Thing 1 had lied to us. The bastard! The Cat In The Hat had no intention of killing General Asquith which made sense. I mean if the Cat planned to kill Asquith then why didn't he do it when we were back at my house. That would have been the golden opportunity to kill the general, but he didn't and now I know why. The Cat In The Hat had turned everyone into garlic chicken spring rolls knowing of the media frenzy and riots that were sure to come out from it. At midnight, Secretary General: Lyman Goldstein was making an official unauthorised speech to Mayor Peppermint announcing his intentions to send the nuke codes to Peppermint Park so's that the looney turkey Mayor can use it to kill The Cat In The Hat. However before that can happen, Thing 2 will kill Lyman and take his skin using an age old tactic taught to him and his recently deceased twin double by the Slitheen Family many moons ago. As Goldstein, Thing 2 will present an incredibly generous bribe of $99 and two suitcases full of tic tacs over to Mayor Peppermint. He would then proceeded to pressure the Mayor to drop the nukes onto Peppermint Park, and Mayor Peppermint would be more than happy to oblige. Not knowing that he was actually going to be killing himself in the process.
Taking control of Peppermint Park was a tad trickier in some regards. To do this, The Cat In The Hat would disguise himself as a Spanish drag dancer named Miguel De Santa and infiltrate Television Centre. Once inside the Centre, The Cat In The Hat would then make his way onto the set of Honey Money a show hosted by famed TV personality and former local bishop: Rich Bytch. The Cat In The Hat wanted to infiltrate the show as on this particular evening; Mayor Peppermint was set to appear as one of the contestants on a super special episode of Honey Money. Now about Rich Bytch. You see; Rich Bytch is an incredibly nervous host who very often smiles nervously after telling horrible one liners. He hopes and prays that people laugh at his jokes or else he'll end up like his mentor Erik Hartman who got fired on his show for laughing at a man who looked a Faustin Family but sounded like Mickey Mouse. How does that relate? Oh I don't know buddy ask the dishes! They can sing they can dance after all this is Peppermint. Try the grey stuff it's fucking shit!
The sly Cat In The Hat would trick Bytch into thinking that he was tonight's entertainment, and would perform a Spanish themed conga until the lights were cut off due to the electrician being on Cat's payroll for vegetables and royalty. Once the lights went out, the Cat would kill Bytch and would take control of the show claiming that Bytch had forgot to turn the oven off back at home. Once in control of the show, The Cat In The Hat would play a message on the big TV for Mayor Peppermint claiming it to be a message from Peppermint's brother Elma who lives in Nevada with a wife and family. However, Thing 2 disguised as Secretary General Goldstein would appear on screen, and give his speech to Peppermint about the nuke codes and yada yada you get the jist right? Also for a brief second, let me explain what Honey Money is.
Honey Money is an ITV show that totally 'exists' wink that was created in 2003 by Honey Monster back when he had cash to burn. During 2003 or thereabouts, Honey Monster was under pressure from federal agents after getting himself unknowingly involved in felony tax evasion. He created the show in an attempt to distract the public from his activities. On Honey Money, contestants were force to paint cows with honey, and then eat them. You were forced to eat the entire cow without gagging in order to win the HUGE jackpot price of $2 and a packet of Starbursts along with an audiobook of Dr Carrot's famed novel; "New Cabbage City." Honey Monster used to be appear on the show a lot until around 2007 for unrelated reasons. He would often bring on a guest star like Robert De Niro who had clue why he was there, and looked really confused and rather dumb which seemed bizarrely out of character for him if I may say so myself. Though Honey Monster hasn't appear on the show since 2007, his voice is still heard at the very end of every single episode after the credits roll. "Feed the fun!" He proclaims in his incredibly gruff sounding voice every single time the show reaches it's conclusion.
Okay sorry about that little rant; just felt that I needed to explain what Honey Money was so that by the end of this epic tale; you have no more lingering questions lying under your belt. So upon learning of the Cat's plan, I discovered The Cat In The Hat and Thing 2 getting into two separate cars. Thing 2 was headed to the old fishing port in Downtown Peppermint while Cat In The Hat was heading to a birthday party up past Butcher Creek. We decided to follow Cat In The Hat to the birthday in order to see the outcome of that ordeal first only to be treated to a fantastic front row view of The Cat In The Hat getting hanged in the back garden by some snot nosed kids. No seriously, their noses were legit made out of snot. Oh by Joe that doesn't seem quite right! We then decided to split up and search for clues. Piggle and I would deal with Thing 2 while Alec Baldwin would deal with Cat In The Hat claiming that he would be enough to deal with him. "Are you sure about that?" Piggle inquired curiously. "I'll try the carrots!" Alec Baldwin proclaimed happily as he started stuffing his face into some raw carrots. "You do that." I said rather awkwardly. Alec Baldwin was the only person on this Earth who could make me nervous. It's very hard to see why is it buddy? Ole Baldwin had to be treated with the upmost care and caution just like precious poop in an anthill. It can only go one way.
We attempted to make our way to the old fishing port in Downtown Peppermint on foot, but it was rather difficult given the fact that Piggle was pretty darn adamant about taking his stupid stoplight with him. "Why it's impossible to carry that thing into town. We must have a cab!" I proclaimed happily as Piggle and I made our way inside a carriage. Yes; Peppermint Park is seriously so behind on the times that we don't even have any modern day advances like taxies or buses. So we were still riding to work in horse and carts Also, we had to squeeze into the carriage next to an incredibly miserable butcher who never smiles. Remember that the butcher only smiles once year, but I just can't remember the date of it. Bucky might know. So ask him oooooooooookay?
Arriving at the old fishing port, we found that Thing 2 was busy eating from a bowl of clam chowder with his possible lover Queequeg in an old seedy pub. Queequeg was getting ready to go back onto the ship with Captain Ahab who was still having a right go at Grumpy Bear to get inside the crows nest. He was certainly an old fella that Ahab, sorry about the salmonella! Thing 2 and Queequeg were eating some clam chowder as although Queequeg was a cannibal and loved indulging in a diet of very rare red meat, he claimed clam chowder to be his favourite fishing food. The odd thing was that Thing 2 had no qualms about Queequeg being a cannibal, but he did ponder about what should happen if a police officer was to be a robot in disguise. Truly something we all have on our minds at some point or another. Piggle and I made our way inside the pub, and we proceeded to lay down the law on Thing 2 which meant that we persuaded Thing 2 to search the sea with Queequeg in a rubber dinger built for two. "You really mean that?" Thing 2 inquired curiously like some kind of Maurice. "Ha ha no!" Piggle laughed as he proceeded to bash Thing 2's brains into a bloody pulp with the stoplight from earlier. "Enough with this fucking stoplight!" I yelled angrily as I grabbed the stoplight from Piggle, and proceeded to throw it out of the pub window. Queequeg meanwhile collapsed onto his knees as he cried, "Thing 2!" However, Queequeg wasn't sad for very long as he soon took a keen interest in a young man named Ishmael who was planning on also joining Ahab's salty crew. Queequeg went on to proceed to tell Ishmael to join the crew telling the young lad that he would teach him how to whale real slow. Oh yeah... it's all coming together!
So with Thing 2 dead; this meant that General Goldstein was safe for now. Piggle and I made our way over to Television Centre using an emergency teleport. Why hadn't we used that damn emergency teleport earlier? Well I like a fine port and intelligent company ya know? Arriving inside Television Centre on the set of Honey Money, we immigrated ourselves into the audience of Honey Money, and discovered that The Cat In The Hat's disguise had failed miserably as Rich Bytch had caught wind of his façade almost immediately. So, Rich instead of doing the sensible thing of getting security to throw the Cat out onto the streets, he instead decided to have The Cat In The Hat perform some necessary entertainment for the kids watching at home. Not really sure what kids would be watching a show about grown ups licking honey on cows or whatever the fuck this show is about, but whatever just whiff it like a bowl of whisk star whip! Oh whisk star whip!
The Cat In The Hat started his awkward stand up routine by doing some really terrible jokes which included a dick innuendo joke that involved him getting rather turned on by a picture of Colonel Dodo. I don't even think he was acting during this little exchange. Rich Bytch was an old friend of Dodo and kept a picture of the Colonel on his desk at all times. Actually as a matter of fact; Rich Bytch had an entire table full of Colonel Dodo pictures and they made out the words; "Do It For Dodo." He truly loved that sexy Dodo, but do tell me if you dare; who can ever learn to love a Bytch? Ha ha! Sorry I appear to have gotten a hole in the bowl. Don't tell Chestnut or else Imma be in big trouble! The Cat In The Hat picked a picture of Dodo up as he asked, "humana humana humana who is this? Oooooooooooh!" Cat proclaimed at the very top of his Cat In The Hat lungs as he instead up stretching the picture out somehow. His hat rose high into the air and his tail became stiff like an electric magnetic pulse sensor 9000 as Bytch said bluntly, "that's Colonel Dodo Mr Cat." "Awkward yeah." The Cat In The Hat said as his hat shrunk back down and his tail became normal again.
The Cat In The Hat having recovered from his awkward episode then turned around to face Bytch as he asked rhetorically, "that joke will be 50 cent now whose your solicitor?" "Stop right there!" I yelled at the very top of my lungs as Piggle and I made our way onto the set. Cat In The Hat pulled out a large rusty garden hoe as he joked, "dirty hoe!" "Thing 1 & Thing 2 are dead so this thing ends now Cat!" "Oh Ernie you sweet innocent little baked bean. It's only just beginning!" The Cat In The Hat proclaimed evilly as suddenly the sunroof of the Centre opened up, Yes you see; the Honey Money set was located on the very top floor of Television Centre. Oh what a feeling when we're dancing on the ceiling!
Suddenly, the platform that myself, Piggle, and Rich Bytch were standing on started to rise high up into the early evening sky. The entire sky had become a sicky dark purple, and you could see Saturn. Saturn had a face on it and it looked an awful lot like Albert Einstein. "Who ya doing Daddy O?" Saturn asked. I then started to do a 360 spin around the platform, and couldn't believe my eyes! I took my eyes and began giving them a good wash with soap like some kind of Mr Krabs before then putting them back in so's that I could truly be sure that they weren't just playing tricks with me. Oh man they weren't lying! Oh man look here! The entire world had been turned into some sort of Dr Seuss themed wonderland, but it was not meant as magical and wonderful as if may seem. Everyone in Peppermint Park had been turned into a character from one of Seuss' books with most of the population being turned into Who's. Rich Bytch had been turned into Horton from Horton Hears A Who while Piggle was turned into the scariest thing I've ever seen. It was like a yellow hamster mutant monster hybrid from outer space. I pulled The Cat In The Hat's hat off from his head, and started vomiting violently into it. That's when I asked Cat about his plans to achieve the nuke codes from Secretary General Goldstein.
The Cat In The Hat made a large red lounge chair appear magically, as he sat down and begin to lay down some hard truths. In truth, The Cat was fully aware that my friends and I were going to put a stop to his plan which is why he, Thing 1, and Thing 2 had created a red herring plan. The whole plan with getting Thing 2 to disguise himself as General Goldstein so he could trick Mayor Peppermint into launching the nuke codes was all a load of bullshit! That's when I recalled that Mayor Peppermint wasn't even on the set of Honey Money meaning that had been a lie as well. Turns out Mayor Peppermint was trying to force feed tic tacs to the Lorax. That's just really sad. In fact, Cat had fabricated the entire time with the garlic chicken spring rolls, and all that other jazz. "So why did you kill Thing 1 then if he was also in on the scheme?" "I dunno. It just seemed to be the right move ha ha!" The Cat laughed as he then continued with, "and besides, those two weirdos were useless in the grand scheme. Thing 1 was a pushover and Thing 2 was a known investor in bitcoins. He also used to be a customer at Vernon Enterprises did you know that?" "Come on Cat, come with me and face up to what you've done I can help you!" I pled as an unmoved Cat simply responded with, "how about no!" He then proceeded to Falcon punch me across the sky. I flew all the way past Hushaby Mountain and came back around like a boomerang until I eventually crashed through the roof of my house where I saw that Alec Baldwin was busy watching Bee Movie. Alec Baldwin had not yet been turned into a Dr Seuss character, but his time was coming I was sure of it!
Alec Baldwin had become very fat and lazy you walked in and oopsie daisy! No but in all due seriousness, ole Alec's belly had become big and chunky like a certain rabbit you may know. Hmm.... anyways, I then proceeded to ask Alec about why he hadn't stopped The Cat In The Hat like he told Piggle and I he was going to do. "Ah shut up you fucking cum dumpster!" Alec Baldwin barked angrily as he then proceeded to stuff a huge handful of Chilli Heatwave Doritos into his big meaty Alec Baldwin mouth. However, upon looking closely at the Doritos that Alec Baldwin was eating; I noticed a pattern. Then I realised it was just a fragment of underdone potato which I had for tea the previous night. This meant that Alec Baldwin had been helping himself to my food as well as my crisps. The rude carrot onion! Realising that Alec Baldwin was going to be of much help to me anymore, I decided to head into my kitchen in order to grab a protein shake and think of a plan. Well my golly gosh gee wiz who should appear at the kitchen window than the Lorax himself? The Lorax had popped around to ask for a bag of sugar as I responded with, "I may not have sugar Lorax, but I have an idea." I then proceeded to pull an incredibly smug face while the Lorax looked at me with a very confused expression for a good twenty minutes. Finished his written exam in only twenty minutes, this kid is a dynamo! Making my way upstairs; I headed inside my bedroom, and found some old clothes from World War VIII it's so intense that it skips over the five! I met up with the Lorax in the backyard after stuffing the clothes into my trouser pockets. I then said; "Lorax take us to Television Centre!"
The Lorax grabbed himself by his ass and began flying into the sky with me holding onto his feet so that I may be able to fly too. We started flying towards Television Centre where we discovered that The Cat In The Hat was busy gloating about his victory, and how he was planning on converting the entire world into Dr Seuss World. We crash landed in front of the Cat who was very smug in his approach as he joked, "ah candy corn glad you and Danny De Vito could make it to my humble abode! Shame that will be the last time that goes into your head; goodbye!" The Cat In The Hat then proceeded to hit a large orange button on his desk which caused Horton and Aunt Grizelda. "That's one hunky hunk of an auntie!" I proclaimed in awe as the Lorax asked dumbfounded whilst pointing at Grizelda; "that's a woman?" Oh Lorax you cheeky little bastard!
Aunt Grizelda start twerking arounds us. Her ass had a huge golden dollar sign printed onto it which made me feel rather queasy as a big booming Russian voice could be heard saying in the distance; "shake that bottom dollar!" Fortunately for us, Aunt Grizelda ended up getting far too involved in her twerking, and this led to her twerking her way right pass and off the ledge where she then fell to her death. Though that's what the paper claimed as in reality, Aunt Grizelda managed to survive, and went back home to her family who wanted to con their estranged son Oncler out of his millions. The Oncler had won but at what cost? Meanwhile, the Lorax and Horton took part in an epic anime battle. Yes Horton knew Japanese for some reason, and his attempt to leap towards the Lorax resulted in himself also getting thrown off the ledge of the Television Centre. Say goodnight Mr Horton!
I then tried my best one last time to get The Cat In The Hat to reconsider his evil masterplan. "Oh Cat don't you see Mr Krabs needs us terribly?" I sang as I stood on top an old wooden rack. "What are you talking about?" The Cat In The Hat asked confused as I then said; "this isn't what the legendary Dr Seuss would have wanted! He would have wanted you to make changes to the world that were necessary, I mean in a way didn't your book already do that by changing the way people see Dr Seuss and his books forever? Besides The Grinch; you Cat are the man's best known creation, and you are doing yourself a severe injustice of his iconic name by going through with this evil plan." Cat looked down at his paws for a brief moment as he sang, "the things you say just might be true; it could be time to start anew, and maybe change my point of view?" "Really?" The Lorax asked as The Cat yelled evilly, "no!" "Then I have to stop you!" I proclaimed as the Lorax and I started getting into some costumes. "Oh Cat look what you've done to our breakfast! Now I shall have to cook some more!" I exclaimed in utter disgust whilst holding up a disgusting plate of... porridge I think? Not really sure I got to be honest.
The Cat In The Hat turned around to face Lorax and I only to discover that he and I had changed into the costumes from earlier. We now resembled my parents. Yes my father and mother were both veterans in World War VIII. I don't mean brag or anything but have your parents both served in a war against Disney. I think not buster! "We are very angry with you Cat!" We yelled as the Cat morphed into a tennis player as he said awkwardly, "I thought you wanted to have fun!" "You call this fun?" The Lorax demanded who was wearing a mop upon his orange scalp in order to make him look slightly effeminate. Like a cheese soufflé it doesn't seem to stay! My plan was that by disguising ourselves as angry parents, we would be able to scare The Cat In The Hat into defeat. Ole Cat had never been caught in the act of destroying someone's house before so our act could very well kill him. However, although our charade was working it still wasn't quite enough to take the bastard down. We needed a little more muscle! "Did someone call a Doctor?" A voice said from behind us as Alec Baldwin appeared dressed up as Dr Seuss. "Cat I am very angry with you! Look what you've done to our world!" The Cat In The Hat was taken aback by this for he had not seen his beloved creator in years. More years than he wishes to own up it would seem.
This was the final straw. "Father it's just... it's Georgian bread... it's spelt differently!" The Cat In The Hat could no longer form coherent sentences, and so all his lines were now jumbled together into a messy paste covered in sunflower oil. The stress of seeing his creator yell at him was just too much, and The Cat In The Hat began screaming pain as his body started getting electrocuted. He tossed and turned violently as he rose in the air. Magical rings appeared around him as he with one final yelp blew up into a massive explosion of space dust. The Cat In The Hat was no more! And with The Cat dead, the entire world turned back to normal and everyone turned back into their normal selves with Horton turning back into Piggle and Who No 420 turning back into Rich Bytch. I pulled all my friends in for a big old group hug as I said, "let's go home!"
With The Cat In The Hat's reign of terror finally over, my life started to improve seemingly overnight. Alec Baldwin and I were awarded medals by Mayor Peppermint. While Snorkee and Knurkel gave me a look of acceptance. I suppose it's true what they say; two wrongs do indeed make a right! Now, I will say my fear of Cat In The Hat has completely disappeared as I once screamed my ass off after seeing The Cat In The Hat on Blu Ray at my local Tesco. I mean how could that be anything other than a political statement? It wasn't just my life that started improving, no both Piggle and Alec Baldwin started getting some real kicks out of life.
Piggle got a job as a lollypop pig on Fierro Street. He has sworn to forgo his stoplight fetish, but I know he still pines for them like an addict. That's just sad. One day, Piggle will get his own expansion pack entitled, "Singy Piggy Time." Of course you'll have to buy some DLC first which is definitively free and totally doesn't include microtransactions. Wink! Alec Baldwin meanwhile after starring in a failed US reboot of Honey Money decided to become a lodger at my house. Alec resided in my attic reading from a newspaper and telling stories about his movies to the rats. In truth, I fully believe that Alec Baldwin has become very self aware and humble ever since moving into my attic, and do all who truly believe. So my friends if you ever find yourself scared by a fictional character like Cat In The Hat. Just remember this story, and maybe just maybe you'll be a little wiser next time.
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