Contempt of court

It has come to our attention that a disproportionate number of Uncyclopedians are spending an inordinate amount of time in the defendant's chair in courts around the globe. Contempt of court, often referred to as simply "contempt", is intended to act as a public service to any who might find themselves in this less-than-optimal situation. It explains what contempt of court is, and how to avoid it.
==About the author==
Lest you think that this article is something less than authoritative, I will first explain a little about myself, so you will be able to have confidence in the rest of the article. My name is Jonny Appleseed. I am an honorary lawyer. How do you know that I am an honorary lawyer? Well, first of all, notice that I have a vocabulary that is larger than yours. I know big words, like disproportionate, inordinate and authoritative. This should tip you off right from the start.
How did I get to be an honorary lawyer? It is a fact known only to honorary lawyers that when you have watched enough lawyer shows on TV you automatically become an honorary lawyer. Now you are saying that, because I have told you this, that fact is now known to people who are not honorary lawyers, like yourself. However, it is still known only to honorary lawyers, because you don't believe me and cannot possibly know anything that you don't actually believe. You can know of things that you don't believe, but you can't actually know them. Therefore, because you don't believe it, you still don't know that you can become an honorary lawyer solely by watching enough lawyer shows on TV. Having thus proven my point (that honorary lawyers do in fact know certain facts that you do not) do you see why I am the honorary lawyer and you are not?
NOTE: Don't try to emulate me by trying to become an honorary lawyer. You are no more likely to be able to do it than you are likely to win a gold medal at the Olympics. It takes work and devotion unlike anything you are capable of accomplishing, so don't even bother.
==Definition==
For those of you who have no idea what it is, contempt of court is basically what a judge does to you if you mouth-off or make him look something less than completely noble. It can also occur if you disobey an order of the court, which would make you kind of like that WikiLeaks guy who was told to stay away from women who aren't interested in him.
==History==
Contempt of court came about as a way for judges to lord over those who are smarter than they are. In the beginning of the history of courts, the judge was a guy who got elected on his charm and smile alone– basically a guy who was just smart enough to dupe 51% of the voters, but certainly no Albert Einstein and generally too inept for the office he held.
Anyway, having been elected on something other than their brains, judges were far too often flummoxed when people smarter than they appeared before them, to wit the wit of those whom they were supposed to be judging, i.e. to keep people from making judges look silly the concept of contempt of court was adopted.
==Consequences of ticking off a judge==
The consequences of upsetting one duly elected to interpret the statutes of the land can include, but are by no means limited to, the following:
*Meals cooked by Aunt Bea (circa 1950) or leftovers from the local high school.
*An uncomfortable situation in which you have to explain to that girl you've been trying to date for three months the reason why you didn't show up.
*A sore back (or possibly scabies or some other parasite) from the bed you slept in.
*A sudden change such that you are no longer a chick magnet but a sweaty, fat, smelly, toothless redneck or a 300-pound man-magnet.
*You might become the butt of many jokes.
==Examples of common mistakes==
These are examples of what NOT to do if you ever wind up in front of a magistrate of the law, lest you find your little tooshie spending a few uncomfortable days in the pokey with a bunch of drunks and deputies.
===Example 1 – Questioning the unreasonable===
Never question a judge's ruling, no matter how inane.
:Judge: I fine you $5,000 for jay-walking.
:You: But they were re-paving the road at the intersection! I couldn't cross there.
:Judge: You should have walked the six blocks to the next cross walk.
:You: In a court of common sense, your ruling would be found severely wanting, Your Honor.
:Judge: This is a court of law Mr. , not a court of common sense.
:You: That, Your Honor, is abundantly obvious.
===Example 2 – Stating the truth===
Never tell the whole truth, regardless of any oath you might have taken.
:Judge: I fine you $5,000 for jay-walking.
:You: But they were re-paving the road at the intersection! I couldn't cross there.
:Judge: You should have walked the six blocks to the next cross walk.
:You: Your Honor, I fail to see how your ruling is even reasonable, and even if it is, the penalty far exceeds the severity of the so-called crime.
:Judge: One more outburst like that Mr. , and I will hold you in contempt.
:You: In that, Your Honor, you would be mistaken. Contempt was about an hour ago. Currently I've advanced to downright abhorrence!
===Example 3 – Voicing your thoughts===
There is a reason why mankind were never meant to read each other's thoughts.
:Judge: I fine you $5,000 for jaywalking.
:You: But they were re-paving the road at the intersection! I couldn't cross there.
:Judge: You should have walked six blocks to the next cross walk.
:You: Your Honor, if I say exactly what I think of this ruling, what would you do?
:Judge: Well, from the look of things, I expect that you would say something quite disrespectful, and I most likely would find you in contempt of court.
:You: What if I only think it then.
:Judge: I can do nothing one way or another about your personal thoughts.
:You: Well then I think this ruling is the biggest load of crap that has ever proceeded forth from a judicial bench!
==What to do if convicted==
Head to the nearest medical facility the second you get out to be tested for any diseases you might have contracted.
Category:Law
Category:Law enforcement in the United States
Category:Crime