Avant-garde jazz

thumb|270px|An example of an Avant-Garde Jazz album.
Avant-garde jazz (also known as avant-jazz) is a crazy bastard son of regular Jazz. Unlike its sister genres, Avant Garde Jazz songs are over a substantial 5-10 minutes long, including some atonal solo odyssey of awesomeness wanking accompanied by a saxophone. 
So because of its very loud volume of sound, many of the Easy Listeners react to it by covering their ears, and reacting in the overly Panic Disorder stage. Only to jump out of the window, and screaming to a painful and eternal bleeding death. And that's why it's been panned by many Mainstream Music critics from many countries as "Are my ears bleeding now, because this is insane."
==History==
Before the Avant Garde Jazz was invented, many of the sociopaths and psychopaths had to listen to the commercial, 2 minutes of catchy short Jazz-Pop songs in their Mental Hospital cell, played over and over again.
But then one day, they were so fed up with it, that they escaped from that twisted Mental Hospital, stole every single musical instrument from music stores all over the world, and made the most hauntingly lunatic Jazz songs that only your tone-deaf grandmother would've loved. Among the mentalists, was the number one Ornette Coleman.
And so in the late 1950s and 1960s, others came along and raped every single saxophone that they could find, such as John Coltrane, Cecil Taylor, early Charles Mingus (before he decided to sell his soul to the bastardized Corpret Music Business), Sun Ra, and Billy Mays. Billy Mays was in fact an Avant-Garde Jazz musician once; performing his saxophone in his earliest commercials, but didn't go so well since his first commercialls were very threatning; as pictured here.
But the music of Avant-Garde Jazz has never seen its full potential of becoming a popular genre. Many of the most popular radio stations (notably in the 1980s) have refused to play every single Avant Garde Jazz singles all over Earth, calling it "Ludicrous" and "Harmful to the ears of the crappy popular music in America; played by the tone deaf ears of the apathetic clowns of so-called musicians! Just one minute of Cecil Taylor's Unit Structure is just too much!". Regardless, many people with open minds (or to others, Ape Fucking Crazy Wack Jobs) over the years have been listening to the music and eventually became bitterly resentful of the mainstream music system. They thought about how those "Intolerable pseudo-music Corporations" disrespected the music of Avant-Garde Jazz and made people listen to a bunch of autotuned Namby-Pamby, carpetmunching-crap. Since the year 2000, the Avant Garde Jazz music has been falling in popularity in many small cities. With many of the bands performing in backwater clubs and other trash-can venues that makes Oscar the Grouch's white-trash home look like a million dollar mansion.
===Music===
The reason why it's called "Avant-Garde Jazz" is that it was inspired by abstract art drawn by distraught urban men, who express their feelings about the world by throwing paint on the walls, and calling it abstract.
The music is characterized by mostly free-form instrumentation. The sax is very prominent, performing wildly; the drums ponder in a sloppy manner, the bass is slapped in the strings, and the piano is played also in an atonal (and sloppy) manner. It's basically meant to avoid all musical structures in pop music, and to enable musicians to improvise whenever they want; but in our very questionably sophisticated world, it's like some amateur 8-year old kids are destroying the equipment.
right|thumb|180px|A typical Avant Garde Jazz performance. Look at the crowd roaring!
To many of the virgin-eared folk at an Avant-Garde Jazz performance, listening to it for the first time is like being raped by a mechanical bull ridden by Anthony Weiner a creepy dude with a very direful erection. That is, unless if you're fucked up on LSD and/or wasted from drinking 6 gallons of AleSmith beer; then it's like you're riding on a unicorn; gazing into the beautiful skies as you weirdly enjoying the smell of rainbow farts bursting out of the unicorn's ass. Due to such issues, many owners of big festivals refuse to let any Avant-Garde Jazz artist(s) perform there, fearing that "their raspy sounds will cause a great massacre", meaning that audiences would kill themselves, or retreat to their houses; criminals would escape on the rampage killing everybody; and multiple natural disasters would occur such as earthquakes and hurricanes.
==Symptoms of Listening to Avant-Garde Jazz==
There have been many severe results of listening to Avant-Garde Jazz. Scientists at many Psychiatric Hospitals have tested it on some typical obstructed retards, and it's been proven that after listening to the song "Lonely Woman" by Ornette Coleman for 5 minutes the retards develop a permanent case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. As for Tubby the Tuba, he used to be a harmless cartoon character praised by immature children until the essence of atonality came to his mind. Nowadays, he's a crazed madman living like a serial killer – carrying a butcher knife and a hockey mask at night slaughtering everybody.
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Many years ago back in the early 1960s, a man had bought a John Coltrane album Ascension. After listening to 5 minutes of it he became a crazed schizophrenic; this resulted in his getting divorced from his wife because he was having sex with a trannie hooker, getting fired from his job, and becoming a homeless man drinking nothing but expired Jack Daniels liquor. He was discovered at a local asylum mimicking the maniacal Saxophone on the Coltrane album, before he died an hour later from suicide by falling from a window, in 1996.
Despite affected syndromes caused by listening to this music, Avant-Garde Jazz has somewhat been a good thing throughout the past few years. For example, it is used to test on animals to see how they react and the reaction is more pronounced than that of humans. It's been speculated around America that in 1999, a dog was tested listening to Avant-Garde Jazz and he exploded like pure dynamite. The good news was that now people wouldn't have to buy illegal fireworks from China on the 4th of July. But the bad news was that two years later on September 11, 2001, the government decided to use that tactic to blow up the Twin Towers, only to put the blame on Al-Qaeda.
Some of the Avant-Garde Jazz fans abruptly shared their strong feelings about their music being used for the mocking experimentation, calling it, "A form of unfair disrespect to the artists who have made a mark on that music, giving them and abstract artists a bad name!" But sadly for them, their complaints have fallen on deaf ears; due to the fact that none of the people mocking the music of Avant-Garde Jazz, would often point and laugh at the angry letters, and then throw it away.
==How to listen to Avant-Garde Jazz==
The essence of Avant-Garde Jazz (and Free Jazz too), requires some extrordinary listening and learning, unless you're a psychomaniac who escaped from a psychiatric hospital (or San Quentin Prison), wanting to channel your crazed energy by listening to some wild music. First, you have to turn on your record player and turn it up all the way to 30; second, put in any type of Avant-Garde Jazz into the record player and press play; and finally, while you're listening to the music, be sure to masturbate continuously while the music is playing. Doing that will definitely make you enjoy the chaoticness of the music while stroking your penis. But don't masturbate too hard, or your penis will cum uncontrollably, resulting in an eruption of spewing blood, and then your little Johnny splits in two. So good luck!
==See Also (If you're a fan of Insane Articles)==
*Bat Fuck Insane
*Ape-Shit Crazy
*Avant-Garde
Category:Music genres
Category:Jazz