Ferls

I had to drop out in the Fall Semester because I was just feeling so unwell in general. Granted, having to spend that time at my aunt's house instead arguably made me worse for the time being, but I came back for the Spring feeling so so much better. I had discussed the situation with my adviser and one of the deans and my counselor and with academic support and it seemed like the perfect option. Get a clean slate and all that and come back when I'm feeling better.
Not a single one of them bothered to tell me that I'd be automatically dismissed from the college after the Spring. I technically do and don't have enough credits. I have credits that count toward graduation from AP credits, but those don't count toward academic progress. So even if I took 4 full courses and passed them all, I wouldn't have enough credits to move on and I'd be dismissed. So on top of that, I flunked real bad so I don't have the GPA to progress either, so even if they didn't automatically dismiss me for my credits. I've been trying to get into Summer courses, which honestly was my plan since I dropped my first class in the Fall. I can take summer courses back home, but it wouldn't raise my GPA.
So we're scrambling around for loans because apparently nobody remembered I was going to take summer courses even though I've been saying it since the Fall. And it feels like every person I talk to just stops me in my tracks and says "Sorry, you're dismissed from the college. A letter is in the mail this week that'll detail the appeals process." They're also picky about which loans they accept, and they rejected our first attempt for some reason and decided not to tell us that the loan e chose wouldn't matter anyway.
Well this letter better get here real fucking quickly because courses start in a week, and the loans they will accept apparently take 3 fucking weeks. I'm trying to IMPROVE here, and this is even what everyone I've been talking to at the school is telling me to do. But I'm being stopped at every corner, and because they insist on sending the appeal information EXCLUSIVELY through physical mail I have no idea when I'll get it and if I'll be able to do it in time. This would be so much easier if I could have fucking appealed already.
It's just one of those times that it feels like the world's out to get me.
And while I'm at it, shout out to that teacher who decided not to send out a midterm warning to even let me know I was failing.
==May 14th, 2015==
They found his body.
This isn't exactly something that happened yesterday, but not too long ago. So it's not unnatural for me to still think of him so often. But now that I'm back from school, the grief has gotten horribly worse. Every time I think I've finally wrapped my head around the concept of him being dead, I soon find out I haven't. And that's okay, I guess. My counselor told me that grief is something that happens in waves. Waves that will continue for a very long time, but should get less frequent and less intense.
But being home again just threw a great big wrench in the situation. I can't say that my home situation is a disaster because I am very fortunate, but really it's like a prison. There's nothing to do, nowhere to go, and I just generally hate everything about being here. I'm going back to school for one of the summer terms at the end of the month, but I still have to cope with my circumstances in the meantime. And since I have so little to do (and very little ability to do anything) I spend my days just locked up in my room waiting it out, trying to find ways to motivate myself or interact with others or make my time at least a little productive if I can. But I just have so much time to think about him and nothing to really counteract it. I've probably cried over him every single night in this last week, something which I hardly did at school. In a way, the loneliness of being home is directly contributing to it. He was one attentive person and he would always be there for you. If you started a group call, you could bet that he'd answer. But now, you can bet that he won't. The other night I was doing pretty badly and I tried to start a group call with our friends. One person answered, and I couldn't shake the perpetual feeling of waiting for him to answer like I always would.
I guess that I'm just falling apart in general because I'm home, and I really need him now. But I'll never have him again. And I just know of different points where I'll be hit with a bigass wave of grief.
Two of our friends are getting married soon. And it just kills me to think that he won't be there, because you can bet your ass he'd be the first one to buy a damn plane ticket. He's not gonna be anywhere for anything. I almost don't want to go just so I can pussy out of having to deal with that.
I know this is something that happens to people all the time. I'm not special, and I'm not the first person to lose someone close to them. And I know I can make it through. But I just don't know how. I've never had a problem with such a drastic, irreversible consequence. I've never had a problem that couldn't be worked through. I've never had a problem without a possible resolution.
And I'm so sick of crying over him. I've meditated on this loss so much and I've come to terms with just about everything else about it. I've talked about it at length with the people I love, with my therapist, with the people who also lost him. I've come to all sorts of conclusions and ideas and bullshit and I've gotten something out of this experience. It's not like I'm bottling this stuff up. I've given myself time, and I was progressing healthily at school. So to just be randomly seized by intense fits of mourning like he just died yesterday is pretty inconvenient.
I just wish I was in school right now with my good friends and learning and doing things, not locked up in a room full of fucking boxes with no place to move and no reason to wake up in the morning, just thinking of him all the time with no good way to distract myself.
Hopefully I'll be able to kick my ass in gear and find some way to thrive in this environment.
==April 1, 2015==
A friend of mine is now a missing person and presumed dead. In the first few weeks I managed to shrug it off for the most part. But in the time leading up to his memorial service I was losing it. I slipped away from life to go to the service and meet the family and all, and it simultaneously made things better and worse on the emotional front. I'm so exhausted, and getting back into routine and picking up the pieces of my life is a tough process. He really was a fantastic guy. I've been reaching out to some people as best as I can and I've been seeking help, but the last thing I want is to use this loss as an excuse. He wouldn't want that, and if he ever came back (which, though a slim chance, is within the realm of possibility) he'd be pretty upset if I ruined myself over him. Everyone else went back to work the next day, and I'm not special and exempt.
But damn, I am just spreading myself too thin trying to get my shit together while being emotionally incapacitated.
Category:Fag