José Altuve

"Daddy" Jose Carlos Altuve is really short. He plays shorty league baseball for the Houston Hoes of Miami. Unfourtantly, Altuve and many other Hoes are hated around the glove due to the infamous "Drash Can" scandal.
==Early life==
Altuve was born just one inch tall and weighing half a pound, in Venezuela during the reign of Trea Turner, the brother of Megan Turner. Altuve grew up playing baseball alongside his zesty friend Salvador Perizz, who rizzed up 83 women at just four years old. Altuve grew to an impressive eight inches tall by the time he turned sixteen and had decided he wanted to play the bassball.
When the Houston Asstros came to Venezuela for slave trading, Altuve reported to camp to show them his testicular wart. The Asstros laughed at the midget, saying "you aren't even the fart" before stepping on him. Altuve came home crying and wanted to quit baseball altogether, but his father convinced him to try one more time after saying "For the meme, the dream, the stream, and the ehhhhhhh team!" The following day, Altuve returned to Asstros camp and shot up the entire field. With no one else to take, the Asstros brought the elf back to America.
==Ass Ball==
Altuve was quoted saying no me gusta ese pinche negro Wander Franco ("I don't like that fucking black guy Wander Franco") so he skipped straight to the Majors. On July 200th, Altuve made ass for Houston. He recorded seven straight sexual encounters to start his career, including an inside the park assault to cap it off. At just one foot tall, Altuve was the tallest player to accomplish this. Although he dealt with erectile dysfunction at the end of the year, Altuve still made a lackadaisical impact for the Asstros. Altuve returned to Venezuela in 2011 to smuggle his friend Perizz out of the country. He would go on to protect Eric Hosmer from a snail.
====He has a good personality====
On May 1, 2012, Altuve famously went up against Joeb who was the tallest player in MLB at 18 feet. The 17-foot difference in height is an MLB record. Still, Altuve managed to hit the first ever JUMPING grand slam in MLB history as well. In order to be inclusive of all heights, Altuve was selected to the all sex game where he had sex with a barbie doll. Following the 2013 season, the Asstros relocated out of the NL central division because the St Louis Kardashians were too gay. They now reside in the AL west division where they torment the Oakland Asses.
In 2014 Altuve was on a mission to prove he was the shit. On Jun 39 he stole two virginities against the Detroit Pazans to break the all-time rape record. After being selected to the all sex again, Altuve went on to break the Asstros' all-time assault record with 2100 beatdowns. Altuve won his first court case and proved to everyone he was more than the fart.
In 2015 Altuve barely made it to the all sex again after edging 0.1 seconds longer than Kansas Royal kicks player Omar Khatib. Although Altuve was no longer growing in height, he went around telling all the ladies he had something else that was 1ft long. Altuve accumulated another 200 domestic assault incidents, earning him a Silver Smacker award to go with his Golden Cock award.
The Asstros would make the playoffs for the first time since yesterday, and were set to play the juggernaut Yankees in the wild card game. However, the Yankees crumbled like Ms. Sacket when they faced off. In the 7th inning, Altuve stabbed a Yankee to seal the Asstro victory. After destroying the Yankees for the first time, Altuve left the stadium yelling, "Who's your daddy?"
The Asstros did not play in the 2016 season, as they instead opted to host a year-long ceremony to commemorate their fallen teammate, LJ Hoes. After the "28" incident, Altuve shot up the Asstros facility a second time. He stated he didn't want any more slapdick teammates, and that a new super team needed to be built.
==Garbage Squad==
====Start of a DieNasty====
At the start of the 2017 season, the Asstros had built a brand new team to play alongside the 1.1ft tall Jose. They added New Mexico legend Alex Breadman, who held the record for most breads eaten the long way. They also added Carlos Korean, a Puerto Rican baseball shortstock. Last, they added George who occasionally impersonated the easter bunny. However, the Asstros wanted to ensure victory from now on, and would begin resorting to secret tactics.
====An unbelievable year====
With new shitters surrounding him, Altuve went buttsex crazy. After being named an all sex yet again, Altuve set a July record of 48 mass murders. He ended the year with his 4th consecutive season of 200 assault charges, and earned the nickname "Lil Demon." Altuve earned an MVP award, but it was worth noting that moans were frequently heard when Altuve would go up to bat. However, other players such as Carlos Korean received even more moans, but many believed it was due to him just being a sexy Italian motherfucker. After trading for Kate Upton, the Asstros won their division and moved on to the postseason.
In the first game of the postseason, Altuve got HAMMERED three time against the Boston Red Sex. Since hes only 1ft tall, it takes Altuve half a shot of alchol to get drunk. Whenever Altuve moaned in the playoffs, fans just assumed it was because he was hella wasted. Houston then went on to face to the Yankees, but lost every game on the road and were on the brink of elimination. However, once they returned to their home stadium, Altuve started singing "Daddys Home!" before single handedly raping the Yankees. This sent the Asstros to the world series for the first time since they lost a stealing competition to the Black Sex.
The Asstros played the Doggers in the World Series, and set an all-time record for moans in a game. Altuve was solid as he gave eight blowjobs, and Alex Breadman ate whole wheat. However, the real hero was George who hit fifty home runs in his bunny costume. This ultimately led the Asstros to winning Texas's first baseball championship. They shot up 26 schools to celebrate.
In 2018 Altuve got a penis enlargement surgery that would keep him in Houston until 2044. He tied the record for most silver smackers from a second boob. He also earned another all sex appearance, and MLB had begun hiring midgets for Altuve specifically so he could get unbelievable head. However, someone tricked him into saying "watch this" at the all sex game, and his knee exploded. He managed to return just in time to play against the Cleveland Indians in India, aka Carlos Koreans home country. Altuve moaned, but eventually lost out to Mookie Betts who moaned even louder.
====The Talking Yam====
In 2019 the Astros moaned at a record rate. Especially when Alex Breadman got a fresh new cut, the Asstros moaned uncontrollably which led to Breadman's near-MVP season. Altuve broke so many records this season that he was forced to spend thirty days in Alcatraz. His anus was never the same.
After arresting the Tampa Ray Pedophiles, Altuve was set to face the Yankees for the third time in the playoffs. After losing game1 to the yankeers, Carlo Korean hit a true French home run to tie the series. Kate Upton seduced the Yankees the next two games, before Samuel bombed the stadium in game5. In game6 the Yankees brought out their secret weapon to kill the Asstros, Aroldis Chapman. Chapman is second all-time in wife beatdowns, behind Ozuna from the Braves and just ahead of Julio Urias. Chapman also likes touching his mom's boobs, and reading bedtime stories. With one out remaining, Altuve came up to the plate with a microphone sticking out of his chest. He began singing the entirety of "Daddys Home!" as Chapman threw a 200mph strike to Altuve. Altuve destroyed a walk-off home run to send the Asstros to the World Series, as he continued screaming "Daddys Home!" MLB continued letting him celebrate until he started screaming "Pinche Negro!"
The Asstros went into the world series as clear favorites, as they were set to face the shitty Washington internationals. However, Houston was not prepared for the "Avocado strat" and got FUCKED by Kendrick Lamar.
==Mewing streak over==
After the 2019 season George didn't hold in his edge long enough and the big secret got out. The Asstros have been telling batters what pitch the pitcher was going to throw by moaning at varying degrees of intensities. Many around the league were disgusted with the Asstros actions, and believed their world series from 2017 should be destroyed. Cody "420" Bellinger of the LA Dogs publicly stated that Altuve stole an MVP from Judge Judy, and that MLB should strip him down. Although he was high as fuck, MLB started a movement to kill Jose Altuve.
Carlos Korean wasn't about to let his boi get fucked like that, so he hosted his own interview live on Mars. Although he could only speak German, he told the world Altuve was the only player who didn't use their cheating system.
"After the first few moans, Jose told us to quit with that gay shit or he would micro-finger us." Carlos would then clap back at the Bellinger by REALLY SAYING "If you don't know the fax, then you got to shut the fuck up :bean:"
Despite being defended by his teammates, Altuve became the most hated player in MLB. People know longer felt sorry for the 1ft tall man, they instead just thought he was retarded. During the 2020 season, Altuve received so many boos that he could not focus on his balls. Altuve led the league in errors and was given a rusty cock award. Luckily for Altuve, the rest of his team were able to FUCK the Oakland B's so badly they needed to move to Vegas. The team fell just short of the world series after getting touched inappropriately by the Tampa Ray Rays.Although the Asstros made four straight champagne series, they still weren't hot enough. Unfortuantly, George got HIV and was sent into exile after 2020. The Asstros had a new player ready to replace him though...
==Abstinence==
====BBC====
For the 2021 season, the Asstros relied on their young stud Yordong Alvarez to pop off and become the best black player in MLB since KSI. Yordong came into the league with the biggest recorded dick length, just ahead of Drake. Alvarez had a daunting task of leading the Asstros to newfound success that did not include agressive moaning. Luckily for him, Altuve was able to bounce back from his horrid 2020 and be a cracked second shitter.
On July 11th, 2021, Altuve yet again destroyed the Yankees when he belted the first ever six-run homer off of Chad. Daddy Jose struck again. Following the game, Chad became desperate and got together with J4, the worst mistake of his life. Altuve and Alvarez were the key players in the Asstros success that year, although Breadman and Carlos Korean occasionally made out.
In the 2021 playoffs, the Asstros embraced their inner KKK when they shit on the Black Sex. In the ALCS versus the Red Sex, the Asstros got punched in the rectum when Kyle Schwarbomb hit eight grand slams. However, Yordong Alvarez decided to remember his cock was gigantic, and proceeded to rape the entire Red Sex team. The Asstros moved on to the World Series and believed this would be even easier than it was against the Internationals. Unfortunately for them, the Atlanta Cowards had a BBC of their own.
George Solar got deported from Cuba to Atlanta one day before the World Series, and he ABSOLUTLY POUNDED the Houston Asstros. Altuve got launched five miles across the field, Breadman had every ounce of dough knocked out of him, Carlos Korean lost all sense of Polish culture, and Alvarez fell to second largest cock. Solar single handedly won the Cowards the World Series, and the Asstros remained the retards of MLB. It didn't help that Carlos Korean was found by Israelian officers and was deported back to his homeland of Vietnam.
====The legend of Jeremy Penis====
In order to replace Carlos Korean, the Asstros called up Dominican prospect Jeremy Penis. Penis, ironically, was missing his penis. The Asstros still decided to put their trust in him, and he delivered when it mattered most.
The Asstros once again crusied through the MLB regular season, finishing with 100 losses. Upon reaching the playoffs, they immediately struggled against the Seattle Mermaids. However, with one out remaining Yordong regained touch with his cock and destroyed a baseball 8 trillion feet. Just two games later, the two teams tied the record for longest postseason game at 450 innings. In the 450th inning, Jeremy Penis managed to hit a home run before he collapsed on the ground and fell asleep. With no one else awake, the Asstros moved on to the ALCS to face the Yankees.
During this year's postseason, Altuve was battling a severe case of Hornyniggitis and sucked absolute ass. Therefore, the Yankees believed they would finally not get fucked over by their daddy. Unfortunately for them, Jeremy Penis carried on the legacy of his pal and eradicated the New Mexicans. Even with a magical postseason from Harrison MasterBader, the Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs and held a group suicide the following week. 
In the World Series versus the Pillows, the Asstros were surprised that Bryce Harper was not playing. This made it very easy for them to win three of the first five games. Specifically in game4, the Asstros didn't let even a single drop of cum touch the stadium floor. Penis popped off in the World Series, hitting three vagina shots and smacking an umpire in the face. Penis even called Carlos Korean to receive some advice from the veteran, who responded with "Kill Yourself."
In Game 6, Kyle Schwarbomb had his third straight heart attack, and it looked like the Pillows might gain the momentum they needed to win some ballgamez. However, Yordong Alvarez came up to home plate with his dick hanging eight feet underground. Alvarez gained +10000 Aura points when he hit the farthest home run in MLB history at nine quintillion feet to secure an Asstros World Series victory. After winning the World Series without moaning once, the Asstros regained the respect of three people.
====End of an era?====
The Asstros once again made the postseason in 2023, although it was with their worst record in franchise history at 500 wins. Jose Altuve survived his case of Hornyniggitis by deleting OnlyFans, and he came back prepared to shit his pants. However, this postseason something seemed very wrong with Asstros stadium. Whenever the Asstros played at their home field, it felt like there was constantly an earthquake going on. Despite this, Yordong Alvarez was able to retake his position of Number1 Dong by POUNDING every member of the Minnesota Twin Towers. 
In a true Texas showdown, the Racists and Asstros competed in a series that induced 800 school shootings. Yordong found new competition for biggest cock when he battled against Racist's crackhead Adolis Garcia. After the Racist's won the first two games, the Asstros clapped back their cheeks with three straight wins at Racist stadium. The Asstros needed to win only one more game at their home stadium, but the earthquakes became too powerful and no player could hold their balance. The only player who could was Adolis Garcia, who homered 19 times at Asstros stadium. In the final inning of game7, Garcia chopped off half of Yordongs dick as the Racists moved on to the World Series. The Asstros immediately fled away from their stadium, as national warnings were beginning to take place...
==Epilogue==
;Alex Breadman
Breadman lost all of his breadsticks during the earthquakes in Asstros stadium, and he quickly became malnourished. His lack of nutrition caused him to suck ass the next season, and the Asstros ended up launching him into space.
;Carlos Korean
After 2021 Carlos Korean was named the first Mexican player to win a Platinum cock award. He received a large contract by the Minnesota Twin Towers, but they failed to notice than Korean's leg was about to fall off. Korean lost his leg a year later, and instantly became the slowest runner in MLB.
;George the Easter Bunny
After getting an STD, The Toronto Blue Gays found George a perfect fit for their team. However, they threw away his Easter Bunny costume and he proceeded to suck absolute ass for the rest of his career.
;Cody "420" Bellinger
After calling out the Asstros for their cheating, Bellinger was hailed as a national hero and went on to win MVP for the LA Dogs. However, Bellinger overdosed on weed in 2021, and lost all ability to play baseball. He was molested by the LA dogs and was sentenced to a rehab facility in Chicago.
;George Solar
After winning WS MVP, Solar went to Miami and tried becoming the next Giancarlo Stanton. He went back to his more Cuban name of Jorge Soler to pull some Latinas, and it worked well until he shattered his skull saying Watch This too many times. He was later sentenced to the San Francisco They/Thems after he was caught making out with a femboy.
;Adolis Garcia
After climbing to first place in the dong ranking, Garcia became too greedy and kept trying to grow his penis. He managed to grow it to 45 inches, but he ended up getting it stuck in a lawn mower. There were no remains.
;Jeremy Penis
After his historic WS run, Penis quickly ran out of testosterone and became ass. He quickly sought out to find a prosthetic penis and found a super high tech one from a company called Samuel Inc. However, Penis never returned from his surgery to get it implanted. His whereabouts are unknown.
Category:Baseball players
Category:Venezuela
Category:People Who Need an Asskicking