The Spyro 2 Copy From Hell

Like so many others out there; I consider Spyro The Dragon to be the primary mascot for the PlayStation One. Yeah screw that orange bandicoot and his merry cast of characters. They're so damn annoying especially that dingo croc thing. My God! My boy Spyro has and always will be the default mascot for the original PlayStation. Spyro just has so much more character than someone like Crash. The original Spyro trilogy on ps1 was far better than it had any right to be, and I think for that reason it deserves to be applauded. Now I did own all of the games on ps1 until just recently when I accidentally dropped my copy of Spyro 2 in a drain. Allow me to explain. One day, I was walking to work carrying my copy of Spyro 2. I always carry it on me as it helps me to feel safe. I ended up dropping it in a nearby drain after an incredibly miserable man let out a massive sneeze which nearly made me shit myself. I'm not even joking.
I tried looking on Amazon and eBay for another copy, but they were very pricy due to a recent change in the stock trade. The cheapest copy I could find online costed £100,000. Are they insane!? Heck, I even tried searching my local CEX and Game, but they told me to fuck off and never return. The rude carrot onions! Anyways, I decided that in order to buy a new copy of Spyro 2; I would have to work extra hard in order to obtain a promotion at my job at a
rubber chicken factory. Yes I work in a rubber chicken factory like some kind of Fozziwig. My boss was an incredibly rude and very annoying bird named Sylvester Stallone. Yes that was his actual name. Great parents am I right?
Now, Mr Stallone hates me, and always forces me and my co-worker and best friend Frank Morgan to do incredibly backbreaking work like washing Stallone's car and mailing Christmas cards to Santa. Do I look like a Muppet asshole? No I'm a human being! I have actually tried asking Mr Stallone to give me a promotion, but he always passes me off in favour of someone else. Someone who has so much more confidence and skill. Now, before founding the rubber chicken factory, Sylvester worked as a mechanic over on Breeze Harbour. He worked at the Harbour as a breeze builder until he was fired for having an affair with the ambassador's wife. After getting fired, Stallone used his stashed millions to buy an old abandoned warehouse in Oakton City. He then converted the warehouse into a rubber chicken factory, and the rest is history.
Now believe it or not, this story actually has nothing to do with Sylvester Stallone or my BFF Frank Morgan. Nope in reality, it's about the time that I got given a rancid copy of Spyro 2 which led to Stallone becoming a landlord in Strawberry, and me replacing him as head of the rubber chicken factory with Frank becoming my second in command. Now did it all happen? Well let me tell you my bucko; for it all started on a boiling hot day in the middle of July. The sun was so hot that the wheels of my car melted onto the road. Well buggering buggerton. Arriving at work that morning, I learned from Frank that the day was employee brothership day, Yes you see; ole Stallone had been inspired by Mr Krabs to create an employee brothership day in which all the employees exchanged gifts to show their appreciation for each other or some shit. I don't even know to be perfectly honest. Stallone also places names into a hat in order to see who is giving a present to who. And wouldn't ya know it? I had to give my present to Sylvester because of course I fucking did. I mean come on did you really expect otherwise?
I spent the rest of the day pondering a ponder on what to get Stallone. That's when my BFF Frank suggested I get him a Heavy Godmother trading card. "Where can I get one of them?" I asked. "I dunno." Frank responded. He then suggested that instead of the card, we get Stallone a live pig from the local slaughterhouse. Sylvester was always going on and on about how he could find a decent porkchop so perhaps this could be his chance. We rented the pig from the slaughterhouse, and lied to them that we were simply taking the pig out for a day trip and would return it in the morning hours. I'm not sure why they'd care if we killed it or not. I mean they are a slaughterhouse after all, but whatever I digress. Returning to the factory, Frank and I both clocked back in before heading over to Stallone's office in order to give him his present.
Sylvester Stallone was busy reading a newspaper on chairs being old than the pyramids. A dangerous pass time I know. He looked up from his newspaper and said. "ah Adrian so good to see so good! You got something for me my little son of wood?" "Yes." I said as then proceeded to have Frank present the big to Stallone whose beak fell to the floor. He had never seen a pig so large in all of his pathetic life. "That is one big pig!" Stallone remarked as he got up from his desk in order to marvel the porcine creature. "Now about my present." I inquired as Stallone asked, "trouble with the trolley eh?" "What?" I asked before I get an answer, Mr Stallone had already retired into the backroom. He came back two minutes later holding a copy of Spyro 2 for PlayStation One. I mean what other console would it be on? "Here ya go my pork." Stallone said as he placed the game into the mouth of the pig which responded by jumping out of the office window, and running down the streets. "Oh bugger." Sylvester muttered as Frank and I were forced to chase the pig down the streets until we were able to catch it by focusing on our toes. After catching the pig, Frank removed the game of its mouth and said, "I need a drink. You coming?" "Nah! I got a game to play." I said as I began sniffing the game's case. I smelt really like bad like a lamb shalab or something. And with that, Frank took the pig with him to a bar on the far side of Scraper's Yard. We all know where and what that is. Don't we reader?
Meanwhile, I headed back to my house which was sat right underneath a train track. It was so fricking loud at times that I could barely hear myself think ya know what I mean? I headed inside my kitchen, and poured myself a glass of ass. I then headed into my living room, and popped the game into my ps1 like a boss. I sat down on the sofa, and clutched the controller tightly as the game started with a really weird commercial. It had some incredibly old ladies advertising Shreddies. Ya know that cereal which tastes like cupboard cut-outs of the British variety. "Let's chat more knitting ladies!" One of the ladies yelled at the top of her lungs. Then one of the ladies pulled an incredibly wicked face before going back to work. It then showed one last clip which featured a sea captain giving his crew some orders, and they tell the captain to go and hump a piece of toast. For shame!
After all whose fucking weird clips, the game then FINALLY started with the main menu, but it just wasn't right for the dinosaur walked in slow motion and the Insomniac logo didn't appear. Spyro then came on screen, and he was red instead of purple which made me gag violently into some Burger King branded tissues. I clicked on New Game, and the game started with Spyro and Sparx moping about it raining in the Artisan Worlds as normal. That's when Spyro got the idea of going on holiday to the Dragon Shores. He and Sparks raced towards the portal to Dragon Shores. Meanwhile in Glimmer, The Professor, Elora, and Hunter were working on a portal to get a dragon there who could help them in scaring off Ripto. Sadly, the Professor was not his usual self and was instead played by Mole Andrews The III. Don't know who that is? Well lucky you. The portal works, and Spyro shows up and asks, "hey what's going on here?" "I don't know!" Mole Andrews The III proclaimed his dumb voice.
After that the cutscene abruptly ended, and I began making my way through Glimmer. However, things just weren't right. The sky was dark and cloudy, and Spyro was once red instead of purple which made me vomit all over the place. Also the controls my God were they awful! Spyro moved at a Snail's place, and kept fucking running into enemies resulting in him getting instant death. Oh and yes before I forget, Spark for whatever reason was not present, and no matter what I did I could not get him back. Also, the Gemcutters whenever they spoke to Spyro: the language would constantly change. It also didn't help that at the end of the level they did not give me a talisman like they were supposed to.
After leaving Glimmer, I found myself in Autumn Plains. Twas here that I discovered all the levels had already been unlocked even though I hadn't collected any of the collectables yet and this was supposed to be a new game. So, I decided to head to "Breeze Harbour." The opening cutscene to the level had one of the breeze builders lighting a torch but he ended up setting himself on fire. You know something? Now that I look at these breeze builders I realise that they do look an awful lot like Sylvester Stallone, but I had no time to dwell on details like that right now. After the cutscene ended, I made my way over to the trolley mini game where oh my wickers! Sylvester Stallone was the one giving me the mission. "Could you hop up on that trolley and get them?" Sylvester Stallone asked.
Spyro hopped onto the trolley, and began riding down the tracks. However, he was stopped when he reached a barricade which had been put by a hall monitor. Yes a hall monitor. "Where's your pass?" The hall monitor asked. Spyro despite not having thumbs gave the hall monitor the middle finger, and began making his way down the tracks. "Hey Spyro no running in the hallways!" The hall monitor laughed as she then revealed herself to be Freddy Kruger in disguise. Kruger began chasing Spyro down the tracks until the pair eventually crashed into the stationmaster's house. After this, the game cut to black as large distracting fart sounds could be heard playing in the background. After the game came back, I found myself back in Autumn Plains, and I decided to head back to Summer Forest.
In Summer Forest, I made my way over to Hunter who was sitting inside the castle. He was having a lovely picnic of Kellogg's Frosties, and was accompanied by none other than Tony Tiger himself. "They're great!" Tony proclaimed happily as he began force feeding Frosties into Spyro's mouth. "Hey Tony how about some chips?" Hunter asked he held out a large bag of cheesy cheese chips you'd find in Bazooka City. That's so fricking disgusting my little duckling! After eating an entire box of Frosties, Spyro made his way over to Moneybags who wasn't there. 'Probably a glitch," I thought to myself. But again the nagging worry. Where was Moneybags? Probably got arrested for smuggling gems into India. That fat bear! After this nonsense, I decided to do some more levels. I decided to do Colossus next because these chairs are older than the pyramids!
In Colossus, one of the Monks asked Spyro if he knew how to sing. I was given two options to respond with. One of them was, "Hmm Yes," and the other was, "Heck No." I decided to bite the bullet and clicked the first one which led to Spyro having to sing the Welsh National Anthem while the conductor pulled a face which made it look like he needed a poo. That's when the Yeti appeared on screen apparently not appreciating the fact that we were singing in his domain without an invitation. He ended up stomping on one of the Monks causing him to become flat like a pancake. The squashed Monk looked up at Spyro who simply responded by giving a shrug. Not a friendly shrug a shrug which says, "I just stole your retirement funds." After this, I once again found myself back in the home world, and decided to head to Sunny Beach.
In Sunny Beach, the ocean was green like Shrek. Also, all of the turtle advisors refused to speak to Spyro. However, when they did they forced Spyro to collect some seashells from the shore in order to serve as payment. So I made my way down to the shore somehow, and began fishing for seashells. That's when a large pirate ship appeared on the shore beside Spyro. The captain of the ship used the anchor to slide down. The captain landed on the sandy floor, and revealed himself to be none other than Colonel Dodo. "Oh by George Spyro me lad what are you doing with my seashells?" Colonel Dodo asked as he had Spyro restrained by two of his crew members. "Your seashells?" Spyro asked like some kind of Zira. "I own this beach my dear sweet wumpa. I own every single beach from here to Vice City." Colonel Dodo then turned to face his crew and said, "boys take him onboard." So, Colonel Dodo had his crew force Spyro onto their ship. While on the ship, Spyro was forced to scrub the floor until he got a right good kick up the arse by Dodo. When he turned around to confront Dodo, Colonel Dodo responded by pulling an incredibly smug face which made Spyro even more angry.
Spyro ended up helping the crew stage a munity against Colonel Dodo which resulted in the ship sinking to the bottom of the ocean. "Oh buggering buggerton." Colonel Dodo muttered however he and his new first mate Raison Man were saved by using an escape pod. The escape pod flew high into the sunny sky with Dodo proclaiming, "we'll meet again Spyro!" Spyro looked around, and found out that he was now at the docks. I mean who needs Candied Island when it's sweeter at the docks am I right? I said am I right? I said am I... oh whatever!
At the docks, Spyro made his way over to a local chip shop only to find that it had just been closed for the day. The owner walked out from the store wearing a downright ugly red pullover. He began making his way down the streets while overly happy music played in the background. You may think that man is happy, but in reality he is terrified. For he is running late for work again. Once he gets there he will be berated by the sea captain from earlier. "Get on that ship boyio before I have you sent to Davy Jones' locker!" The Sea Captain yelled angrily as the happy man was forced to light the lamps, and not the rat! Ha ha ha ha!
Anyways, the game then came back to Summer Forest, and I made my way over to Idle Springs. In Idle Springs, the foremen were all voiced by Danny DeVito, and looked sicker than Arthur Morgan. Also, the block puzzle? Fuck the block puzzle with a ten foot pole! It was broken beyond belief. During the part, where you feed fish to the idol; it ate one of the fish, and proclaimed, "mm me want fish and chips!" Suddenly, with a flick of a hat, the idol grew large hairy legs and began walking through Idol Springs towards a local chip shop which sat on top of a nearby hill. When the sun hits that shop just right the hill sings. I mean seriously it's in the choir look it up. That may take some time to look up, but I'll get by. Cause soon there'll be a freeway yeah get my feet on holy ground.
Sorry about that small tangent. I decided to fight one of the bosses. So I made my way over to Crush's Dungeon. The level started off normal enough with Elora explaining the story of how Ripto came to Avalar to Spyro. "There that's the last orb in place!"" Mole Andrews The III proclaimed happily after putting the final orb onto the portal. He then turned to face Elora and asked, "now about those heart coins?" "Is it working Professor?" Elora asked curiously which caused Mole Andrews to yell angrily, "It's fucking working bitch!" Suddenly, Mole Andrews The III shot two large red lasers out from his eyes which hit Elora and caused her to melt into a steaming hot pile of steam. Now that's a lot of steam!
After the cutscene ended, I found myself in the boss battle with Crush. Also, Crush was so fucking big! Like legit he was about 9000 feet tall, and he was immune to all of my attacks. Crush then stomped down on the ground which caused him to fall through the floor all the way down to the bottom of the sea. So I guess Crush's Arena lay above the sea. So the papers were true.
Arriving in Autumn Plains, it started with a small cutscene which had Moneybags mopping about how much trouble Ripto was causing. Moneybags then began gloating about how he could easily defeat Ripto only for Ripto and Gulp to then appear behind him. "Boo!" Ripto laughed menacingly however Moneybags was not fazed whatsoever. That's when Ripto discovered that Moneybags had gone deaf, and he advised the gem loving bear to go and buy a hearing aid. Moneybags headed into town, and bought a hearing aid from a woman who wouldn't stop smiling, and then told Moneybags that he walked into the wrong building and she had stolen his credit card information. Should of gone to Specsavers Moneybags!
After the cutscene ended, I found myself in Skelos Badlands. The lizard egg mini game was impossible. I was unable to save any of the cavemen, and they were quickly gobbled up which quite honestly made me very sad. I was then asked by one of the cavemen named Ooga to help find some skeleton bones so that he could build his friend back together. After awhile, I managed to find all of the bones and went back to speak with Ooga. Ooga's skeleton friend was now alive and well, and began doing really cringey Fortnite dances. Spyro then dawned a pair of sunglasses and remarked, "well if you can't beat them join them!" Spyro then began dancing with Ooga and the skeleton while airhorns went off in the background. I got sick. Really sick. I vomited in fact I vomited so much vomit that filled the entire room. I managed to get rid of the vomit by opening up a nearby window which caused the vomit to flood the streets outside. An old lady ended up drowning in it which I laughed at because I'm quite a sadistic bastard but what can ya do? After the level ended, I made my way to Zephyr.
In Zephyr, it started with Sergeant Tub shooting at a breeze builder chick who was able to deflect his attacks as normal. Suddenly, a breeze builder parrot appears on the scene, and shoves a bomb into Sergeant Tub's mouth which caused him to explode. It was done in a humorous way like in the original game no instead Tub exploded into a million bite sizes. During the Romeo and Juliet segment, the game froze as a weird picture of Spyro smiling came on screen which me shutter and shit out eggshells. Pure eggshells you'd have to eat with an amulet. That's when I decided that I wanted to do a speedway. I left Zephyr, and spoke with Elora. After speaking with Elora, I made my way up to Metro Speedway.
Metro Speedway sadly just wasn't right people well I mean has anything really been right so far? No it hasn't! I couldn't get any of the collectables because Spyro couldn't fly for dog shit. He was constantly flying from side to side and not in the right direction. It was annoying me to no tomorrow, and I threw a garden gnome out the window which had been in my family for generations.
With Metro Speedway failing miserably, I opted to instead head to Fracture Hills which was really bad. For starters, the level was in slow motion, and the game kept pausing and unpausing. Also, Spyro kept farting violently which you could smell through the television because I've got Smellivision. Lucky me! I gagged violently into my Burger King branded tissues as Spyro reached the Alchemist mission. This was when things got really bad. The Alchemist managed to bypass all of the rock monster, and began making his way down the roads. "Uh hey man where are you going? We need to save Hunter right?" Spyro asked but he got no response. The alchemist kept walking and kept walking. He walked all the way up to Hushaby Mountain, and even walked through the remains of Big Pete's Christmas tree lot. He walked so much that it was enough to make me shit. Some say he is still walking to this day. Since then, the alchemist has been sighted once every couple of years. I heard some federal agents tracked him to the Lost Heaven racetracks, but when they got there the alchemist had already long since disappeared. Where had he disappeared to? The world may never know.
Gulp's Overlook was next! The boss was completely normal unlike Crush with Gulp actually looking and acting like he should have done. However, at the end of the level after Gulp was defeated, Ripto did not fall off his throne like he was supposed to do. No instead, who should burst through the walls than none other than the Bread Maker himself. "Ooh yeah!" The Bread Maker proclaimed as he hovered in the sky above Spyro. "It is I the baker of the bread the creator of yeast!" Bread Maker proclaimed happily as he turned Ripto's throne into toasty toast which caused him to fall to the deep dark abyss below. Spyro for some reason tried his best to torch Bread Maker who responded with, "ooh that's some rank stank my duckling!" He then continued with, "rub this toaster when you need my help." After saying that, Bread Maker handed Spyro a golden toaster which may have looked beautiful on paper, but then you stop and realise that it was published by Konami. Arriving in Winter Tundra, I headed to Robotica Farms.
The level started with a robot farmer spraying some pesticide onto some really annoying bees. The bees all died from the pesticide which the farmer found very funny indeed. However, upon turning around, the farmer was confronted by none other than SpongeBob. Well at least I think it was SpongeBob. It was a monster demon hybrid of a SpongeBob. It had huge chicken breasts, and it wore a dress and had an circular shaped head. "You got to look beautiful for Mr Krabs! You got to look beautiful for Mr Krabs!" The demon SpongeBob hybrid proclaimed in a nasty voice as it began strangling the farmer to death. The farmer tried his darnedest to break free, but the demon hybrid of a SpongeBob thing was far too strong and the farmer died. 'Well that was sad." I said to myself for this game has made me quite insane it has.
Outside the Metropolis portal, Mole Andrews was waiting to speak with me. "Ah Spyro have you got any heart coins or power crystals? Maybe even rings?" "Uh what?" Spyro asked confused. "I don't know!" Mole Andrews proclaimed as he then jumped out of a nearby window to his apparent death. I can't be too sure if he died though since he was wearing a parker. A dangerous pass time I know. In Metropolis, the cows managed to shoot Spyro which turned him into a cereal bar. Also, the cows appeared in 2D animation which despite being very well done made me vomit out my intestines. I managed to stuff them back in and they smelt really bad like fucking rotten meat I'm telling ya! After becoming a cereal bar, Spyro was sold to Mr Pumpkin who upon eating the Spyro bar cried, "oh that was terrible! I'm never come back here." Mr Pumpkin walked outside where he got hit by a car driven by a pipsqueak pioneer.
I then headed back to Autumn Plains, and then took the portal to Crystal Glacier. This level was wrong for it took place in a desert instead of the snow which made me feel so uneasy that I exited the level immediately. Now I will say some levels like Mystic Marsh and Aquaria Towers played like normal. Even some of the speedways were normal. Well expect for Icy Speedway which had Hades chasing Spyro down in a chariot covered in roses. Hmm could the roses symbolise one's love for the beach? I don't know ask the dishes. They can sing they can dance after all this is France! Anyways, Scorch was just a jumble of colours, and Cloud Temples was completely inaccessible. I then decided to finally fight Ripto.
Arriving at Ripto's Arena, Ripto was incredibly challenging even more so than in the original game. Also, the music playing in the background was the song Forget You by Cee Lo Green, and played on a constant loop. It was also done in slow motion, and it sounded nasty. Poor Cee Lo. Ripto then summoned a great hawk for the final phase of the battle, but Spyro had a cunning plan like some kind of Baldrick. He pulled the golden toaster from earlier from his ass I guess and I began rubbing it. Now, this made me feel incredibly strange since he rubbed the toaster for what seemed like hours. However, Bread Maker never came for he was busy having a lava bath in his personal Bread Cave. "Ah this is the good life!" Bread Maker remarked as he took a sip from a nearby glass of wine. So, Spyro ended up getting killed by Ripto.
With Spyro dead, Ripto took complete control of Avalar, and the whole realm was placed into a dictatorship. Due to the threat of a sorceress, Ripto had soldiers patrol the streets day and night. He had Elora and Hunter thrown into a jail cell up in Burbank Avenue, and had Mole Andrews build him a portal to the Artisan Worlds. Arriving in Artisan Worlds, Ripto and his forces then proceeded to kill all of the dragon and even the little baby dragon eggs which hadn't even hatched yet. After killing all of the dragons, Ripto lit himself a cigar and said, "first Avalar and the Artisans, next the world!" And with that, the game ended with the normal credits.
However, after the credits ended, it showed a post credit scene which had my boss Sylvester Stallone talking to the screen. "Hey Adrian if you're watching this it means you finished my game." Stallone said as he then asked, "so what did you think?" "It was bloody terrible!" I cried at the top of my lungs as Stallone said, "I can't hear you from here. Don't know why I asked really." Mr Stallone then proceeded to explain to me that he was responsible for creating the game, and had done so in order to get back at Insomniac Games for not hiring him. Stallone explained to me that he had indeed played one of the breeze builders in the game, and then offered to lend a hand to Insomniac when they were writing Spyro 3. The President of Insomniac; Mr Goodwill said, "nac oes," and had his staff throw water balloons at Stallone while he ran out of the building crying like a little bitch. Stallone also claimed that he made the game with the pig's help. With that, my TV cut to black only joking I turned it off myself.
I took the game out of the ps1, and made my way down the streets where I caught a cab to Insomniac Studios. Arriving at Insomniac Studios, I made my way up to the front desk and said, "I need to speak to the boss. Whose in charge here?" "That would be Mr Goodwill Sir. I'll buzz you through!" The front desk manager said happily as she pressed a large green button. This did absolutely nothing, and she was forced to escort me through the entire building towards the office of Mr Goodwill. Inside the office, Mr Goodwill was busy getting some big bags of money ready which he intended to give to the local orphanage where the children there had named a tree Mrs Oakwell for some reason. He also tricked the orphanage into thinking he was the Mayor in order to collect on their sweet insurance money. "Eh can I help you son?" Mr Goodwill asked me as I threw the game case at his face. "You got to play this!" I yelled at the very top of my lungs. Luckily, Mr Goodwill just so happened to have a TV with a ps1 conveniently plugged into it in the room with him.
Three hours later, Mr Goodwill had finished the entire game, and asked, "did we make this? This is awful! What if an inspector were to come!" Yes that bastard Goodwill was very much concerned with saving his own ass first. If the whole company fell under, he would not care just as long as he got to walk away a free man. The utter bastard. I then explained that my boss Sylvester Stallone had made the game out of spite for the Insomniac company, and then asked Mr Goodwill if I remembered Stallone. "Oh I remember him alright." Mr Goodwill said as he then continued with, "son me and you need to take this to court. This could be the biggest legal battle the world has never seen." He then handed a big bag of money for some reason. Not really sure why but I ain't gonna complain about being given a big bag of money.
A few weeks went by, and we were now sitting in the Los Angeles courthouse ready to sue Sylvester Stallone of what's he worth. I reckon we could get at least $200,000 out of him. Also, yes we had to move Los Angeles for the case for some reason not really sure why but whatever I'll take it. Stallone had the pig accompanying him and it served as his lawyer. "Oink." The pig said. That's when Judge Mudge summoned Stallone to the witness stand and asked the jury, "what is the defendant guilty of?" The jury then began singing a classic song about the crimes Stallone had committed against this good country including his affair with the ambassador's wife which was the real reason for Goodwill not hiring him to write Spyro 3. Actually it was because the pair used to run guns out of Tamborra until Stallone framed Goodwill to the cops.
After hearing all of the evidence, Judge Mudge turned to face Stallone and sang, "I should put you away when you can't kill and maim us! But this is LA and you're rich and famooooooooooous!" He then proceeded to drop all the charges as he was on Stallone's payroll for big money. 10 grand a month I hear. So, Stallone was allowed to walk away free while Mr Goodwill was given an incredibly generous settlement of $900,000. He used this money to run for Mayor which he actually succeeded in doing so so now he really is the Mayor. Actually no he didn't he actually gave all the money to his crazy old cousin who owns a lot of ships or something. I don't even know to be perfectly honest with you. Look what do you want from me okay!?
After being set free, Stallone ordered a hit on me, and had my house burnt to the ground. I was forced to leave town with my buddy Frank Morgan in toe. We moved to Lost Heaven where Frank got a job smuggling dope for the Morello's. I meanwhile got married and started a fitness program which actually makes people fatter. The secret is in the applesauce but I'll never tell! Last I heard, Stallone and Judge Mudge have placed my home town under martial law in a desperate attempt to find me. Oh and that part at the beginning, where I said I took over the company and Stallone having to work as a landlord was nothing more than an elaborate red herring. In reality, Stallone got a job as a landlord due to an increase in the pension fund or some shit not even really sure to be perfectly honest with you.
So yes sadly, this is the end of our epic tale. I can't believe that prick Judge Mudge allowed for Stallone to go free! The evidence was right there! Even the Jury were shocked in Mudge's decision to allow Stallone to go away a free bird. How could he do that!? I smell a bit of bullshit! Also, Mr Goodwill refused to contact me afterwards, and is currently hosting a massive banquet up at his manor which everyone including the grand duke will be attended. Even you will be attending. Don't believe me? Well the invite list doesn't lie sonny!
So if your boss ever gives a video game for Christmas don't play it. Because chances are it will result in you having to leave home, and go on the run. Just turn down your boss' present and advances, and move down to Hollywood where Muriel plays piano and there's a pretty little thing waiting for the king. Just make sure though that you watch out for Sylvester Stallone because he'll have his eye on you at all times.
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