I was a former teacher-prostitute-cop-doctor-pizza delivery man-web designer-zoo keeper-mountain climber-soldier who lives in the city-suburbs-rural farm-strange town with a hidden secret and I’m here to tell you my story

I was a former teacher/prostitute/cop/doctor/pizza delivery man/web designer/zoo keeper/mountain climber/soldier who lives in the city/suburbs/rural farm/strange town with a hidden secret and I'm here to tell you my story that I'll eventually milk to death.
Hello everyone, my name is a common name just spelled differently. I have a friend or two, but they're only important to either die or be spooked.
I was tending to my rural farm, thinking back on the horrors I faced as a teacher/prostitute/cop/doctor/pizza delivery man/web designer/zoo keeper/mountain climber/solider. It's been a tough 25 years of life.
I was on rural farm when I heard a noise from the forest. Naturally at 2AM I decided to check it out, in the hopes my childhood dog who went missing 15 years ago would be out there. I went into the woods, and I saw something that terrified me. It was tall, short, dark, glowing, I could see fangs on his face but it also didn't have a face. She had long arms with big round circle at the end of it, five little spikes of flesh pointed out of them.
I ran away and called my friend, the one who ends up dying, and he decided to meet me in the suburbs. I went into my car and drove to the suburbs as I thought of a creative way to turn the monster into a helpful one so I can make a nice wholesome story.
I arrived to see my friend standing in his driveway, but something was wrong. He had two eyes instead of just the one, his burnt off leg had returned, and he wasn't wearing his protection helmet.
"Hey Dom!" He didn't respond. I decided to call him by his birth name. "Hey Domass, what are you doing!" He still didn't respond. Then I smelled something, something I was very familiar with being a former copper miner, copper. I knew in that second, in this secluded neighborhood in Pakistan, that a Native American Skinwalker has taken the form of my friend.
I drove away as fast as possible, closing my vintage penny collection in fear of it falling over. I called my other friend, who was in the big city. "Karl, I need your help!"
I knocked on Karl's door, and as I looked around the city, I was reminded of all the times I did prostitution. Karl opened the door to his apartment, and I was happy to see his wide, bushy white beard and hair.
"Karl, there's something not right. We need to go back to my rural farm and deal with this monster, who kidnapped Dom and replaced him with a skinwalker"
"Hmmm, do you think hitherto sounds good or too pretentious?"
Karl was talking about his epic fantasy novel, clearly ignoring my problems.
"Karl, this is serious, your r/shittynosleep story can wait for another time"
We got back in my car, driving past the small town with a secret because I'm getting bored writing this. "There, up ahead is my farm" I shouted. He turned the car into my rural farm. In the trees, I could see the medium-sized, white, tall, hairy and dark monster that tormented me earlier. "He's got Dom!" He also had Dom in her arms.
We drove the car into the monster, but then I realized something. This was my old teacher buddy, Mr. Mackmon, who taught African American cultural studies and Spanish literature. "Mr. Mackmon, were so sorry for your sad backstory, it's just so sad. We could get into it, but it doesn't matter"
The monster started to cry, and eventually let go of Dom. We all hugged it out.
Everything was happy now, until I realized I needed a second part to this story. "Hold on, Dom if you're here... then who was the guy back at your house?" "What house...." said Dom
Then I remembered.... Dom was homeless.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:WHAT A TWIST!
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep