Malaysian Celebrities

In Malaysia, the public judges a person by title Datuk or Tan Sri, the public also judges a person by car (bigger car means more success), by house (big ugly expansions) and by the number of smatijoves they eat (big uncylindrical gut) or by the length of their name.
===Local TV Shows===
* Akademi Frustasia - Reality singing competition where Malays compete with each other to see who cries the most and whose voice is the worst. Chinese or Indian people are not welcome. Even if they participate win they will not get publicity.
*One in a Million - Another talent contest meant for hookers, dickgirls and fags.
*So You Think You Can't Dance - Rip off from the US version. It still sucks. Consists of retards embarrassing themselves in front of the TV.
*3R - Rompak, Rempit, Rogol. The latest hip reality show on TV10. Contains many advice on how to act like a typical Malay citizen of Malaysia.
*Diari Ramadan Rempit - Drama about a Mat Rempit starving himself during the day and doing motorcycle stunts at night. Story ends with him marrying 6 wifes and 2 mistresses.
*Malaysian Idol -Reality singing show in Malaysia. Starring three judges. Siman, a Taiwanes douche bag who makes fun of Mat Rempit. Palua, an anorexic slut. Rundi, the overweight Indonesian minority of the group.
*Upin & Ipin - An animation produced for TV10. It aims to turn all viewers into Islamic fanatics who will talk exceed in the art of Manglish. The show revolves around two extremely whiny and annoying Malay twins who can make everybody's ears bleed with their fucked up helium-induced voices.
===Asstro===
The only satellite TV in Malaysia that even Malays living next to swamps can afford. Service sucks and it doesn't have dedicated porn channels. A nice innocent message, "Service is unavailable" pops up when it rains or when Badawi did something stupid, followed by screams from disgruntled customers. It has over one million channels but the only ones that work are cartoons, Malay soap operas, and "The Boring-Stuff-No-One-Wants-To-Watch Show: Starring Kopi Tandas" 
Channels:
*HOB - Home Office Box(lost in translation). The only channel that shows movies with uncensored sex scenes. The closest Malaysians viewers can get to porn.
*Kartoon Network - The channel filled with kiddie porn.
*National Geographic - This is where sick bastards watches animals having sex at 10pm Wednesday (adverstisements between 10:05 and 10:50)
*Star World - Low quality, censored american porn is shown here.
*TMV - TeleMusicVision(lost in translation again). This is a sing-along channel, where faggots and dykes sing just like animals having sex.
*AniMax - The only channel Chinese under 20 watch. Load with Hentai such as Dragon BALLz, Dirty Pair, Ghost in the Cunt: Anal Penetration, Horny and Lover, and many more.
*AXN - The All Xylophone Network. Introducing the first full service channel dedicated to all things Xylophone.
*Al "Jizz"-eera - All Access news channel for terrorists. Dont miss "Bomb Building with Sa'id" on Fridays and "Headscarf Stripping Bedouin Chicks " live from Ali's Love Grotto somewhere in the Arabian desert.
== Live Entertainment ==
* Islamic Disco - Cheaper enterance fee, no alcohol, shandy & orange juice, good exercise and strictly non-unisex. Tourists are welcome.
*Nashid - Arab cosplay festival. Singing is compulsory.
*Mat Rempit Talent Show - Absolutely free, you gather along highways and watch Malays race each other on their motorbikes until dawn or the police comes for coffee money.
*Backalley party - Hang out with a bunch of Malay teenagers getting high on drugs and butt sex.
==Celebrities==
=== Fak Lah ===
Abdullah "Tidurlah" Amat Bodohwi is the President of Clowns in Malaysia. He is also Malaysia's most sleepy Prime Minister ever. Pak Liar used to be Mahathir's official pet dog before he become the PM (Pasti Menjahanamkan).In order to get into power,he fuck-ed Mad-Hat-Thir, hard. 
His well known skills include telling empty promises, be racist and yet act innocent, ignorant, living in denial and refusing to abolish the ISA (Internal Security Act) and retaining it for personal abuse. His expertise would be lying, making lies and being a liar, hence proudly honored with the nickname Pak Liar. Falling asleep during meetings and public functions is a norm for him, probably caused by a too active sex life. Lying to the public is another common characteristics of his species and when he is unable to reply, he keeps an "elegant silence" which is not elegant at all.
Ironically, he claims he has "big ears" and ready to listen to the woes of the citizens, but his "big ears" are filled with too much ear wax to hear much anyway, try getting Jeanne to clean it up please? Undeniably, Pak Lah's an idiot and the worst prime minister we've ever had. Period. Our Ex-Prime Minister, Mahathir has openly criticized him about various issues, also claiming that he and Pak Lah had a gentleman's agreement to serve only one term as PM. However as we all know, Pak Lah isn't a gentleman, after all, will a gentleman blast innocent citizens with water canons when they plead for help? So there's no agreement here, prepare for another 5 years of bullshit and ass-wipe leadership.
By the way, did you know our brilliant Prime Minister failed a simple statistics paper in University and had to do Islamic Studies instead of a real course?
==== Fak Lar and his anti corruption story ====
In 2003, after he took over the prime minister position from the long overdue Mahathir, Pak Liar decided that he should put out corruption in this country, but who doesn't like money? This is just a lie and an empty promise. He failed to do so and worse still, he is enjoying some part of it now. 
Pak Liar used to be called Mr.Clean and now have a title "Mr.Coffee money" or Yang Dipertuan Duit Kopi, feed his lapdog with coffee money to seek their loyalty. Famous quote: I will using my own way. fight corruption is his first priority but...Happy Cock... Big Mansion... ZzZzzzzZzz
==== Fak Lar and human rights ====
Bodowi has done it again. Our beloved PM that shits on human rights has used the ISA on 5 HINDRAF activists for "threatening national security". While the only thing they did was organized a rally to defend their rights.
When we have a question, he keeps an 'elegant silence'. 
When we ask him for help, he snoozes away in dreamland. 
When we reach out for help in the streets, he soaks us in chemicals and blasts tear gas in our faces. 
When we defend free speech, he jails us and beats us up. 
When we fight for democracy and justice, he uses the ISA on us.
Undilah Barisan Nasional!
==== Pak Lah's Vision 2020 Advice to the Nation ====
=== Prime Minister ===
File:BadawiSleepingApec.jpg|ZZzzZzzz
File:BadawiSleeping1.jpg|Saya penat
File:BadawiSleeping2.jpg |Still Sleeping?? wake up election dah dekat
File:AbdBadawi.jpg|1'm 4 cut3 l1ttl3 gurl.
File:BadawiRuleCountryz.png|Genius behind Bolehland
File:RumoursAreReal.jpg| IT'S REAL! true life 
File:PaklahLengZai.jpg|Sexy? Not!
=== Nazi Abdul Assiz === 
Nazi Abdul Ass-iz is a retarded and ultra racist UMNO's dog. His notable catch phrases used in the parliament are "Racist! Racist! Racist!" and "Steelpid! Stupid! Stealpig!". Cause that's probably all his brain could come up fast enough during a debate due to overnight tongkat ali,malaysia's fist drink.
"The way human being lives in disaster starts when some crap start to say something racist in Parliament and the moral value of human mankind will be totally marred when taught by someone who is another project of Barisan Nasional"Professor Aanano Kena Stim om University o Sirajism
Nazri Abdul Assholes recently generated much Lulz in Bolehland after referring the Indian protesters as crooks.
But as usual, words from our government are filled with bullshit and contradictions, what this retarded politician didn't know is, Khairy Jamaluddin, the Prime Minister's son-in-law (butt buddy) and UMNO Youth's pet monkey, has led plenty of street protests and gay pride parades. 
Free Nazri Assiz Drama Videos on YouTube (Warning: Severe mental retardation may result if actions in these videos are repeated):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=WduM1FdqzRQ
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-z1DnKMDqBM
=== Badruddin Amiruldin ===
Badut-ruddin Amiruldin (BN-Jerai) a.k.a. Krusty is a typical foul-mouthed, sexist, uneducated, racist and retarded UMNO clown born in Zoo Negara. He is known for making joke out of his own mother, his religion and his race in parliament.
Famous quote by him:
Here's an actual conversation in the parliament between Badut and Zaleha Hussin:
Zaleha: The provocative uniform must be changed to something reflective of Eastern values and which complies with the values of Islam.
Badruddin: I think their skirts are too short.
 
***
Badruddin: I think they don’t have enough cloth. (OMG WHAT AN INTELLECTUAL CONCLUSION, BADUT DIN YOU'RE A GENIUS!)
Zaleha: Cloth can be bought.
Zaleha: She [referring to her ‘embarrassed’ friend] said a flight attendant sat in front of her and she could see her legs, thighs and knees. She was so embarrassed!
Badruddin: Did she see the tunnel?
===Khairy Jamaluddin===
Khairy Jamaluddin (Also known as Ultraman KJ, Hairy Jambul) was born in the middle of a desert. He completed his secondary education at the United World College of South East Asia in Singapore, and his university education at Oxford University in the United Kingdom. While at Oxford, he studied at St Hugh's College, and graduated with a degree in Malay Philosophy, Malay Politics, and Malay Economics. Sources revealed that he only graduated with a 2.2 cumulated grade point average (CGPA), which is equivalent to a third class degree in his country, Malaysia. This grants you a job as a toilet cleaner, garbage disposal man or an BN/UMNO politician. Khairy is probably the dumbest guy ever to graduate from Oxford. It's a no wonder that many Malaysians doesn't respect him and even regards him as a very low class politician and king of the monkeys. His hobbies are saving the world and turning Malaysia into a heaven for Mat Rempits and football junkies. Beruk-Khairy is also a common sub-species of monkeys usually found in UMNO meetings or the Malaysian Parliament. 
====Debate challenge to an opposition leader====
In September 2005, Khairy challenged Parliamentary Opposition Leader Lim Kit Siang to a debate in Parliament. However, Lim told him not to ask any Member of Parliament (MP) to debate unless he himself became an MP. Khairy later argued that he had meant to ask Lim to debate the matter in Parliament, and did not challenge him to a debate. MOAR CONTRADICTIONS AND HYPOCRISY? Malaysia Boleh! Khairy Boleh!
In 2006 Khairy illogically called Lim Kit Siang an outdated politician. But the truth is Khairy himself is a low class politician and doesn't have any attitude to be a leader. Take note that he won his position in UMNO is because of his father in law. Without his father in law, this king of beruk (monkeys) is totally nothing. He was even hated by the former Malaysian Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir bin Mohamad. It's a regret for Abdullah Ahmad Badawi for bringing Khairy into the political scene.
====Allegations of Nepotism====
In 2006, Prime Minister Abdullah and Khairy both came under heavy criticism from former Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad, who alleged among other things that Khairy was controlling Prime Minister Abdullah's agenda from behind the scenes. Both Khairy and Prime Minister Abdullah strenuously denied this. Khairy described himself as "a pretty easy scapegoat", but insisted that "the decisions Dr. Mahathir is unhappy with are entirely made by the Prime Minister and the cabinet."
Khairy, who once said he wanted to be Prime Minister before turning 40, had previously served as a special assistant to Abdullah. He insisted that he has no influence on Abdullah's policies, stating: "I draw a line personal, private, professional and political line with the Prime Minister. Except that I occasionally seduce him into having casual sex with me."
thumb|left|Can you spot the difference? I can't.
====Hypocrisy and Irony====
Ultraman KJ tried to be a hero during Condoleeza Rice's visit to Malaysia in 2006. He gathered his gang of UMNO Youth beruks and started monkeying outside the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre. Fun fact: He didn't apply for a police permit and broke through police security. But did anyone try to arrest him? Did the Ultraman AAB use the ISA? Nope! Malaysia Boleh!
Now the pot's calling the kettle black, KJ recently labeled Bersih protesters as beruks (monkeys) and that they should be arrested, but we all know who's the biggest beruk here. Such irony, Malaysia BOLEH again!!
Here's a mock dialogue of what happened:
Secretary Rice: "Why is that guy that looks like a monkey outside screaming?"
Abdullah: "Oh, that's my son-in-law"
Secretary Rice: "Why is he shouting and punching my guards?"
Abdullah: "He wants you to get out of Malaysia, we moderate Islamists hate Americans, Jews, Israel and Blacks. Malay POWAH!!!"
Secretary Rice :"Screw you!"
Moderator :"Well, thank you and welcome to the live talk show with me, Mr. Jay Leno.Now,the candidates are Mrs.Anitaleeza Rice om the naggingology department and Hairy Jamapuding from UMNO-Unnecessary Malays Need Oral(Sex). The first question, how do you two describe your sex organ?
Abdullah :Oh, this is too boring, I think I go to sleep right now.(Well, that is another example of Bolehland where the PM assume that by sleeping, everything will be done by his son-in-law)
Hairy :Err....That it is soft, shallow and serve no purposes as my testicles is now available in the market.
Secretary Rice :Well,basically, I share the same sex organ with Herniao Sink...You know, we fuck eveyday, pissed of every day, so please find Jong-Athan!!
====Racial discrimination====
Within a very short period, Khairy created further controversies by claiming that the Chinese Communities in Malaysia will take advantage of the Malays if UMNO is weak. This created anger and outburst not only amongst the Barisan Nasional component party such as MCA and Gerakan, but also amongst senior members of UMNO. Many viewed this speech as being confrontational in tone. In Penang, the Chief Minister Tan Sri Dr. Koh Tsu Koon was criticised for the low income of the tsunami-prone Malay villagers in Balik Pulau.
The Prime Minister defended Khairy, saying that the media misquoted him. Khairy refused to apologise, stating that his remarks are genuine and important to defend Islam and the Malay rights. This led Jeff Ooi and Oon Yeoh, two prominent Superheroes in Malaysia to label Khairy as the new Malay-Ultra.
While there was a strong reaction to his remarks, many political analysts such as Raja Petra Kamarudin believed that Khairy was trying to distract public attention from the ECM-Libra scandal where he was alleged to have siphoned up to 9.2 million via his proxies. Dato' Seri Lim Keng Yaik, the outgoing President of Gerakan called Khairy a low standard politician who is in rush to climb the political ladder. Nik Aziz Nik Mat of PAS called the current controversy part of a strategy by UMNO to create a state of fear[9] amongst the Malays so they would continue to support UMNO despite the corruption allegedly rampant in Abdullah Badawi's administration.
Khairy later insisted that he was not an extremist, and decried racial extremism. In an address to the People’s Progressive Party Youth wing convention at the Putra World Trade Centre on 16 December 2006, Khairy said: Fuck everyone, fuck everyone in the ass.
====ECM Libra Controversy (ZOMG KHAIRY STEALING WORKING FOR TEH MONEY)====
Around late 2005, he was involved in controversial merger between ECM Libra Capital Bhd and government-linked Avenue Capital Resources Bhd, which resulted in the creation of ECM Libra Avenue Bhd. In December 2005, he was granted a loan by some of the shareholders of ECM Libra Avenue Bhd. to purchase one percent of the firm's share at 71 sen per share. A public audit committee chaired by parliamentarian Shahrir Abdul Samad was later set up to investigate allegation of wrongdoing done during the merger. The committee on August 10 concluded that the merger was done according to procedure. On August 11, Shahrir Abdul Samad said "In principle, this can be a conflict of interest. In this case, maybe, it is a question of approval from the minister because it was probably not referred to the Cabinet." On August 12, 2006, Khairy Jamaluddin sold his entire holding of the company at 65 sen per share.
====Criticism on bloggers and blogging culture====
On issues of bloggers criticizing the government and Malay political party UMNO, Khairy had slammed the bloggers community calling bloggers as "Monkeys" saying "It seems that there is no law in cyberspace anymore, it is the law of the jungle and we need to take action against one monkey and others will be afraid and start running away".
His comments had ignited discontent among local blogging communities which in return posting Khairy's photo along side with images of monkeys to superimpose his facial expression to monkey's behaviour.
====Support of Mat Rempits====
Another controversy that created a stir among Malaysians was the unsuccessful attempt by Khairy Kamaluddin and Abdul Azeez Abdul Rahim to rebrand "Mat Rempits" as "Mat Cemerlang". "Mat Rempit" is a derogatory term used to refer to youths who aim to win drugs, prostitutes and cash in illegal racings using illegally-modified motorcycles. 
Some analysts believe that UMNO Youth is cashing on the large numbers of "Mat Rempits" in Malaysia as preparation for the upcoming elections. The suggestion by Khairy that "Mat Rempits" should become the "Eyes and Ears" for the Malaysian Police Force has sparked anger among former victims of "Mat Rempits", who previously had their vehicles smashed by "Mat Rempits".
Khairy even organized a Mat Rempit gathering in Kuala Lumpur and thousands of "Mat Rempits" attended it. It's a pity for Malaysians for having this young beruk sibling as their UMNO deputy youth leader. He should be sent to the jungle along with the "Mat Rempits" where they can have a peaceful life with their ancestors, the monkeys. (Please note that only Khairy and the "Mat Rempits" are the sole descendant of the monkey family)
====Jihad Ekonomi Melayu (Malay Economic Struggle)====
In the Jihad Ekonomi Melayu (Malay Economic Struggle) congress held in March, 2007, Khairy's paper on "Paradigm Shift and the Malay Agenda" received a lukewarm response from the CEOs of government-linked companies in Malaysia. The Congress was perceived as attempt by Khairy Jamaluddin to position his associates in a favourable position in order to secure lucrative contracts offered by GLCs in Malaysia. Among those who have boycotted the Congress included CEO of Petronas (Hassan Merican), CEO of TNB (Che Khalib), CEO of Khazanah (Azman Mokhtar), CEO of Telekom Malaysia (Abdul Wahid Omar) and PLUS CEO as reported by Agenda Daily.
====iPhone controversy====
The iPhone's popularity in Malaysia took a huge nosedive after Khairy bought 2 on one of his extravagant trips to the United States. Apparently, this 'jobless poor young man' has enough money to spend vacationing in the States for weeks, buy 2 iPhones and use it back home in Malaysia. 
But wait a second, iPhones are only activated with AT&T's 2 years contract, which is available for USD$60, 80 and 100 per month. Simple calculations revealed that, even if he chose the cheapest plan, it'll still cost him USD1440 (RM7,015.09), if we include those 2 iPhone prices, it'll amount to about RM15,000. And what if he bought plans for both of his iPhones? OH LAWD, RM21,000!! Shocked much? I am! Since he's using it in Malaysia, that must mean he's on international roaming, which will probably cost even more. So kids, remind your parents to stop paying taxes. Since the money is only going to faggots like Khairy.
The ironic part is, Khairy said this to the media before leaving for the USA: “Anwar is a puppet of the United States and the Jews, thus he must be hounded until there is no more place for him to run to,”. So Khairy is saying he hates the USA and Jews, but went there vacationing and bought 2 iPhones? Well hello there Mr. Dumbass, the iPhone creators are from the USA. How did this hypocritical terrorist get his Visa in the first place? I have no idea. Let's all email the US Immigration Department to revoke his Visa, he doesn't deserve it at all.
====Khairy on YouTube====
Videos with wisdom of Khairy the monkey.
Pak Lah and Khairy - 'Ini bodoh'
Khairy - 'I'm Racist, Yeah! Yeah!'
Khairy The Hound Dog
Khairy Nearly Walloped in Ijok
Khairy the Samseng (Campaigning in Ijok)
Illegal Protest by Khairy
The Eight New Malaysian Terms - Khairy Included!
===Sammy Vellu===
Sammy Vellu, widely known as Semi Value or Sami Bulu, is the president of MIC, Malaysian Indian's Circus.
Excellent example of Sami's intellectualism and sophistication:
Semi: "Kita akan bina satu jambatan untuk orong-orong kampong disini"
Pak Cik: "Datuk, sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan?"
Semi: "Kalau takde sungai, kita bina sungai!"
Translation:
Semi: "We'll build a bridge for the villagers here"
Pak Cik: "Datuk, there's no river here, why build a bridge?"
Semi: "If there's no river, we'll build a river!"
Sekarang majlis mempersilakan Datuk RAPidah untuk membuka tirai
===Correct Correct Correct!!!!===
====The Royal Commission====
Malaysia's very first group of professional corrupted clowns trying to fix the judiciary crisis.
====VK Lingam====
Lingam is an Indian lawyer trying to gain publicity by screwing with the corrupted BN system in Malaysia. It sounds like him, looks like him, but can't say it's 100% him. Lingam holds a degree from Clown College, and is currently a popular lawyer among comedians and circus freaks.He soared to stardom after one of his drunken conversations regarding coffee money with a judge was recorded and released to the public.
According to his brother, Lingam has a known history of mental problems (Or is it the other way round? I cannot recall!). Lingam's opinion: Correct, correct, correct! He is also suffering from selective memory loss, along with Mahathir and Eusoff Chin (Really? I Don't Remember!). Rumors started circulating on the Internet about Lingam's too-close-for-comfort relationship with Eusoff, and speculations that he is having affair with him started when Lingam said: "When a man puts his hand on your shoulder, you don't brush it off". Sources revealed that he went on an intimate trip with Eusoff to Australia despite repeatedly denying it in public. Lingam: I'm-so-far-back-in-the-closet-I'm-in-Narnia.
===Abdul Rashit Abdul Rahman===
Malaysian Election Commission chief. Once again, another corrupt, biased nigger from BN. Renowned as the saviour of BN by desperately trying to help Barisan Najis to cling on to power.