Captain Crunch's C-Revenge

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== Captain Crunchtroduction ==
I've used to have been a relatively average Captain Crunch fan. The cereal itself is pretty ok. It's not something I would crave over the other cereals, but something about the titular mascot of the Captain Crunch brand, Captain Crunch himself, has always been somewhat alluring to me. It always has felt like he could have been a soulmate to me in a past life or perhaps was that springing kind man I met a few decades ago that wanted to meet me in the park alone after I told him I was 9 at the time before my parents stopped me from going (Bastards). Nonetheless, I used to get the cereal for Captain Crunch and Captain Crunch alone. As of recently, however, this is no longer the case, as I have had a truly dramatic experience with that has changed my perception on Captain Crunch forever.
== Crunchscovery ==
It was a Monday afternoon, I went to a K-Mart to pick up groceries. Though for some reason, it had a big C plastered over the store's sign in place of the K, but I didn't really bear it much mind. The parking lot for the store was pretty much empty for some reason, save for a few cars, but I was not FaZeD by this and thought that today was my lucky day, as I fucking hate when the grocery store is full and everyone takes everything I want. I went into the store and noticed that all of the products in the store were gone. Empty shelves, empty clothes racks, empty toilets, empty everything. Maybe i was just here super early and they haven't restocked a majority of the store yet? Either way, I still looked through the store for something I could take home to eat, though, no matter how much I looked, I could only find nothing.
Eventually, I came across an employee of the store and walked up to him to ask where I could find any food in the store. He looked quite unusual, though. He was bald and had a long white mustache. He smiled upon hearing my plead for food and pointed me towards the cereal isle. Bingo! Of course such a holy isle would have the last remnants of food here! Clinging to this newfound hope I'd find something, I quickly slinked into the cereal isle, but was only to be met with another empty isle. I spotted the part of the shelf where Captain Crunch would be. Empty. But, I noticed something square at the back of the shelf, like a knocked over cereal box. I reached as far as I could and just barely managed to pull it over to me with my finger tips and saw what I would have believed to have been the second coming of Jesus himself. A dusty Captain Crunch cereal box. Though, the design on this box was different. Captain Crunch's art-style was more cartoony than it was before and the name of the cereal was CCC. Obviously, the first 2 C's stood for Captain Crunch, but what could have the third C stood for? Weird, but I ignored it. But what I saw on the bottom right of the box would change my life forever; "Free game inside! Captain Crunch's Crunchling Adventure!" I've heard of this game before. It was a canceled Captain Crunch video game meant to be released in 1999, but never came out in stores. Upon realizing what I was holding, I excitedly darted out of the store with box in hand.
== Crunch Protective Services ==
I got home and was immediately met with my parents, who looked rather annoyed. "Where's the rest of the groceries?" My dad asked, veins slowing beginning to sprout from the top of his head. Before I could explain what happened, he smashed a glass bottle over my head and punted me across the room like a football. "You did NOT just go to the store and only come back with Captain Crunch you piece of shit!!" he boomed, lifting me up and snapping my spine over his knee, like a man snapping his son's spine over his knee. The crunch of my spine shattering was so loud, that it echoed through out the neighborhood. 
In response to the splintering sound, a group of white men in blue coats who had white mustaches suddenly kicked down my door and restrained my dad. They carried him away out of my house and threw him into the back of a large blue van. I heard a loud scream and what sounded like a blender from the truck, with bits of Captain Crunch cereal flying out from the back of the car door. When the screaming was over, a box of Captain Crunch was thrown out from the back of the van. My dad had been turned into Captain Crunch. Awesome! I was still paralyzed from the head-down, though. One of the men dressed in blue opened up the box of freshly baked Captain Crunch, made from my dad and poured some in my mouth. Suddenly, all of the bones that had broken in my body were instantly rejuvenated. The men clad in blue winked as they left my house and drove away in their blue van. Before i went to my room, I noticed my mom was still standing where she was when I entered the house, unmoving. Upon closer inspection, it was not my mom, but a broom stick with an empty Captain Crunch box stuck to the top of it with a face drawn on it. I suppose they took my mom, but I really didn't care though.
== Crunchjob ==
It was finally time for me to play the game within the box. I opened the box of Captain Crunch and a huge cloud of yellow dust sprung from the box. The dust lingered for a bit in my room before it darted directly into my mouth and down my throat as my mouth gaped in surprise. The dust filled my body, which went from being dehydrating, to refreshing, as if anything that had ailed my body had suddenly gone away. That dust was apparently the entirety of the cereal because when I looked back inside the box, there was nothing there except the game. The game's cover was unusual. Captain Crunch had lots of sharp teeth, had red eyes instead of blue eyes, there was a dead crunchling in the bottom left corner and the two crunchlings beside him were wearing odd hats. It was frightening.
I just assumed this was what the company that made this game thought people would like since it was developed in the 90's and everything was all about being "kewl" so i payed no mind to it and popped the game into the disc tray. The disc installed Crunchling Adventure.exe and launched the game immediately. Upon the opening of the game, I was met by the man himself, Captain Crunch in all his glory. He was laying in a red bed covered in rose pedals in a sexy position behind the Main Menu. I didn't wanna get my hands sticky, so I held back the urge to immediately take off my pants. The three options on the Main Menu were; "Start your crunchventure!" "Settings to your Crunchventure!" and "Legal Disclaimers", the latter being greyed out and presumably unselectable. I clicked yeah and started my crunchventure. I was brought to a character selection screen and was instructed to choose between 3 different little brown balls of hair with limbs and a head named crunchlings. I could choose the standard one, one with a hat plus shoes or one with hair bands. I chose the one with the hat and the shoes because that one seemed the most unique amongst the three. For a split second after I chose my crunchling, the sprite of it briefly changed to what looked like a middle aged man with dirty blond hair, a red t-shirt that says "Mommy's little shart shark" and jeans with a brown stain on the back of them. Coincidentally, this was exactly what I looked like at the time of playing, but the difference is, my shirt actually said "Mommy's Little Shart Stain", so this was probably just a huge coincidence. My crunchling's color scheme was locked to white skin and red fur, so I was unable to do anything in the character customization screen I was brought to after choice. When I confirmed to the game I was done making my character, a cutscene began to play. From what i've heard on youtube, this cutscene was supposed to be something about crunchlings being kicked out of their homes by these weird purple monsters. But instead, I was greeted with a far different cutscene than what was described.
== The Crunchscene ==
In this cutscene, Captain Crunch was on his ship with an incredibly long whip. The camera panned down to show humans who were chained to the ship, crawling and letting out cries of agony as they pulled the ship across the land. Beside those humans were crunchlings, dressed in attire almost similar to Nazi officers, whomst walked beside the humans to watch them closely. Whenever a crunchling saw one of the humans stop pulling, he would shout to Captain Crunch in an indescribable language and point at whoever dared to stop moving. The sharp eyed Captain would then proceed to whip the slacking human with his lengthy snapper and that person's body would immediately disintegrate. Not into ash, but Captain Crunch cereal. The rest of the humans would quickly scrape up whatever of the little gold pellets they could into their mouths before the cereal would be left behind during endless journey pulling the ship. 
The camera suddenly panned over to Captain Crunch and awfully close to his face too. I could see every crease, every pimple and every pore in his skin. But more interestingly, his eyes, his god damn hyper realistic eyes, stood directly at me. It felt like it was actually him looking at me and not just the camera. In a cold, raspy voice, he spoke. "Run." Suddenly, the character I had created was shown in a large wheat field. Looking to his left, seeing Captain's ship speeding towards them like a train and began running away.
== Crunchatized ==
The game suddenly became playable and my crunchling was automatically running to the left as the humans pulling the ship started crawling at almost impossible speeds for people pulling such a heavy vehicle. Controls showed up on the screen, instructing that I use the left and right arrow keys to adjust my speed and to use the up key to jump. Upon realizing the game actually gave me no choice but to use the arrow keys instead of WASD, I came to the shock of realizing something wasn't right about this game. I had 3 lives and every time my crunchling bumped into an object while running, I would lose a life. Not only that, but I would feel a sharp pain in real life that correlated to where my crunchling hit an object. When i lost my first life, it was because my crunchling accidentally grazed his foot against the top of a cactus while trying to jump over it, causing me to feel a sharp stabbing feeling in my left foot. When I lost my second life, my crunchling failed to jump over captain crunch's whip that he kept lashing at my crunchling with as he pursed him and hit him directly in the balls. I suddenly heard a loud crunch under my pants and a gooey whitish red began to leak from my pants. If I lost this last life, god knows what would happen to me, so I began to put my 100% focus into the game. I jumped over every obstacle, every whip, every lash from captain and every human who tried lunging at my crunchling as he ran from the speeding ship. Eventually, after what felt like hours, my crunchling finally reached a finish line. I had done it. Once my crunchling passed the finish line, all the humans pulling the ship stopped in exhaustion. 
Captain Crunch, infuriated, blew a whistle and all of the crunchling officers reached into their pockets, pulled out a sub-machine gun and began gunning down all of the human slaves for failing to keep up with my crunchling. The game cut to an empty red screen. It stood this way for 5 seconds before Captain Crunch suddenly appeared on the screen, staring directly at me with those hyper realistic eyes again. His herpes infested lips began to move like a sticky old rusty door being opened for the first time in years to tell me "Congratulations! You have completed the Cu Crunch Clan training simulation! Official members of the clan will be on their way to pick you up soon! Please read the Legal Disclaimer before they arrive!" Cu Crunch Clan? What was going on here? I was kicked back to the main menu and the Legal Disclaimer had become available to click. I opened it up and it said; "By installing this game, you have agreed to these terms; If you lose this game, you are to be maimed and have your skin be used as the next box used to manufacture Captain Crunch. If you win this game, you are to be recruited into the Cu Crunch Clan immediately and anyone in your current living quarters are to be eliminated by the recruiters immediately." 
== Crunchitize me, Captain ==
So that's what CCC on the cereal box stood for. I was stoked, knowing that at any moment now, I was to be whisked away and be made a permanent member of Captain's Crew! I suddenly heard glass shatter in the room next to me. I heard my baby brother cry in the other room, only to be cut off by what sounded like a microwave door closing and then being turned on. One of those men from earlier dressed in blue coats and white mustaches kicked down my door and told me to come with him. I went into the backseat of his blue van and was taken away to a building with a sign that said Crunch Head Quarters. I was brought to a dimly lit room with Captain Crunch himself laying on a table the same sexy pose he was laying in when I played the game. He looked exactly like how he was in the game too. Crunch greeted me, saying he had been expecting me. 
I asked if I was to be in the same ranks as the men who escorted me here. Captain chuckled with a snort and said "Oh no! We have something specially planned for you!" Suddenly, a lamp above me began to shine brighter and assaulted me with an overwhelming warmth. My body had began to become gelatinous and a yellow-ish brown. When my transformation was complete, I turned was a disgusting large fat pile of goo with a face. Captain explained that the yellow dust from the box I opened was the blueprint to my transformation and I was to now be used as an endless birthing ground for Captain Crunch cereal. A faucet was attached to the side of my goopy body and when it was used, dry captain crunch cereal would come out of the faucet. This was who I am now. I am forever to be used as a dispensary for Captain Crunch. As I said before, I am no longer a Captain Crunch cereal fan... and that's because I am Captain Crunch cereal. The next time you eat Captain Crunch, just know that it likely came from my asshole.
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