Alejandro Mayorkas

Alejandro Mayorkas is the current Secretary of the United States Department of Homeland Security. As Secretary of Homeland Security, Mayorkas's most important mission is to expand legal pathways. Also as Secretary of Homeland Security, Mayorkas is the one and only person who could, theoretically, take over as President of the United States if everybody else in the entire Federal Government, including the Supreme Court, and especially the Supreme Court, perished in a surprise nuclear attack. Although the odds of that happening are fairly remote, Mayorkas has yet to be designated as a designated survivor for some strange reason.
==Impoverished childhood==
Little Alejandro was born in 1959 in Havana, Cuba, without a single hair on his shiny head. He quickly attained sex-symbol status in college, majoring in floor waxing and cue-ball polishing, with an optional side-degree in foreign espionage. During all this turmoil, he dreamed of one day showing up in the United States, totally uninvited, where he could live out his dream of expanding legal pathways for all the disadvantaged peoples of the entire friggin' planet so they could follow him and do likewise.
==Stance on not-quite-by-the-book immigration==
Despite popular opinion, Mayorkas is not himself an illegal immigrant. No, seriously. We cannot imagine how on God's Green Earth anybody could have gotten such a silly idea. In fact, he legally stowed away on a tiny rickety boat jam-packed with hundreds of other native Cuban refugees, partly to escape war-torn Cuba, but primarily to escape hurricanes and earthquakes and floods and tidal waves and grinding poverty and economic upheaval and famine and gang warfare and all the other things Central Americans in general usually go on about.
Making a new life for himself in hurricane-prone and flood-prone Florida proved immensely difficult because he was often mistaken for an illegal immigrant. Nevertheless, he quickly took advantage of Ronald Reagan's one (and only) uncharacteristic act of human decency and kindness in being allowed to stay. Legally. And stay he did, completely legally, no matter how much his original Cuban homeland enticed and beckoned him to come back, or at least send some money their way.
On day one of the Obama Administration, Mayorkas was appointed as the nation's first Border Czar, which he took to immediately and with great gusto, expanding legal pathways with wild abandon. However, all this humanitarian progress was undone by Donald Trump on day one of his administration, by issuing 95 executive orders and nailing them to the door of an indifferent Congress. Needless to say, Mayorkas was fired on the spot, so why did we even bother to mention it in the first place?
During the remainder of the Trump Administration, Mayorkas went into hiding, just in case, presumably to evade capture and summary deportation. And then the unthinkable happened: nobody tried to assassinate Trump. And then the unthinkable happened yet again: Trump voluntarily stepped down. OMG, what are the odds of that?
==Protector of the Fatherland==
On day one of the Biden Administration, President Biden personally hand-picked Mayorkas to protect the United States against all enemies domestic; his particular oath of office necessitating a slight trimming-down to accommodate his somewhat selective and unorthodox loyalty. Mayorkas's first act as Homeland Secretary was to redefine every word in the entire dictionary so Americans everywhere would be forced, against their will, to be nice to each other for a change. He then transferred billions of dollars worth of steel grating left over from the Trump Administration's never-built border wall (because walls don't work) to construct billions of dollars' worth of steel grating protecting the Capitol from another January-6th-style attack (because walls work).
In 2022 Mayorkas single-handedly took the entire National Public School System under his protective wing, causing upwards of 25 states to unilaterally secede from the National School Boards Association. This was the only secessionist movement in all of American history not to result in a horrific and bloody civil war, although it sure as hell felt like civil war was going to break out at any moment. He also attempted to take on the Governor of Texas, Greg Abbott, in a grudge match over which one of them could patently offend the most Americans with the most inflammatory rhetoric. Abbott won that round handedly because Mayorkas is a feckless spiny-toad weenie. Thereafter, Mayorkas drowned his sorrows by expanding legal pathways.
==99 Chinese balloons go by==
In 2023 China decided to pay a visit to America using the only reliable military technology which they independently invented during the Ming Dynasty: their beautiful, their beautiful balloons! At the drop of a hat, Secretary Mayorkas granted all incoming Chinese balloons and balloonists with immediate and unconditional asylum. However, the Department of Defense went all panic-mode and trigger-happy, shooting them all down like as if harmless balloons posed any realistic threat to anything except nuclear launch sites. Oops, we meant to say, including nuclear launch sites. Mayorkas, saddened by the fact that the flimsy mylar balloons stood no chance against intercontinental ballistic missiles armed with nuclear warheads, immediately expanded legal pathways so that millions of Chinese illegal immigrants could have a safer and more humane option.
==Unfair impeachment==
During his seemingly-endless tenure, Secretary Mayorkas broke all records for being unfairly impeached by the House of Representatives during the entire 118th Congress. The House was like, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???" and Mayorkas was like, "Expanding legal pathways" and the House was like, "BUT THAT'S #$@$^# ILLEGAL!!!" and Mayorkas was like, "So what, what are you gonna do, impeach me or something?" Whereupon the House tried to impeach Mayorkas, but they missed. However, if at first you don't succeed, try try again. The Senate, of course, would not stand for such blatant nonsense. Whoever heard of cabinet secretaries being impeached? Everybody knows impeachment is for presidents only. And so they let Mayorkas off the hook with a stern warning: "Don't do it again!" (whatever "it" supposedly was).
==Distinct lack of assassination attempts==
In spite of his many shortcomings, his repeated failures, his smarmy attitude, and his shiny metallic head making for a tempting target, Alejandro Mayorkas has never been shot at by a disgruntled twenty-year-old. Then again, shooting at the one man at the very bottom of the seemingly endless line of succession to the Presidency– who could not be President anyway because he's not a natural-born citizen– would be... gruntled?
Category:Government of the United States
Category:Bald people
Category:Law enforcement