Crundlequest And The Suplex God

I am Crundlequest, a peasant living in the kingdom of Larion. I have a pitchfork and nothing else. I woke up and began working in the fields. I saw a woman named Eliza who looked like my mother. She told me that she was going to be married to a man named William.
My first thought was that this would be easy, but it wasn't. The woman screamed and fell off her horse. I tried to help her but I fell too. I didn't know how long I lied there. Then I heard a noise outside.
The next day, I got up and got out again. This time, I found myself on top of another girl's body. She tried to scream for help but I just kicked her in the face until she stopped moving. I felt sick. I felt like vomiting. I felt like dying.
I then decided to take a break from kicking people in the face. Instead, I went back to my farm where I lived with my family. They weren't very happy about all this. My mother was angry at me. My father was angry at me. My sister was angry at me.
One night while I was sleeping, I dreamed about being kicked by a man who had a big nose. He told me he wanted to teach me something. He said I could do anything if I wanted to be him. I woke up and realized I've done nothing wrong. I was just having a nightmare. 
A few days later, I was riding my horse when a bandit attacked. I managed to kill him easily, but then, another one came out of nowhere. It was bigger than the last one. It grabbed me and threw me into a tree. I died instantly. 
Two months passed and I still haven't been found. I thought about going back home, but I figured I'll wait around there until I saw someone come looking for me. 
Two years passed... 
Three years since I left my hometown... 
Three years since I left my family behind... 
Five years have passed and I finally returned home. I was surprised to see my parents and sister waiting for me. I told them what happened. They said they didn't really expect me back so soon. They asked why I came back. I explained that I had to save my life. 
I explained that I never wanted to leave. I explained that I had to leave because I couldn't survive alone. I said I wanted to make sure my family was taken care of. I told them that I would always remember their kindness. They thanked me and hugged me. 
They asked me if I ever wondered what would happen if I hadn't returned? What would have become of me? Would I still be alive? Would I even be able to stand up? I could have died! 
I then pulled out my sword and stabbed them both through the heart. I laughed as I watched them bleed out before my eyes. I looked down at my own blood-stained blade and smiled. I was free now. 
I grabbed my sword and ran over to my parents' bodies. I kneeled down and put my sword against them. I swung the sword and cut open their stomachs. I ripped out their intestines and threw them into the fire. 
I walked over to the fireplace and began stabbing it with my sword. I jumped onto the flames and burned alive. 
I climbed down the ladder. I was safe. I was not dead though. I was alive. I was free. 
I then entered Hell and entered the throne room. There was a huge demon standing there. He looked at me and smiled. "Welcome Crundlequest, to Hell!" 
I then charged forward and punched him in the face. He flew backwards and landed hard on his ass. He screamed and yelled in pain. I then turned around and kicked him in the nuts. He let out a horrible shriek and collapsed to the ground. 
I then sat down and started eating the demon's nuts. I ate his nuts until he started screaming in agony. I then proceeded to eat his nuts until he died. 
I then absorbed the demon's powers and grew larger and stronger. I started punching everything in sight. I also gained super speed and strength. I punched a hole in the sky and flew away. 
I punched a hole in the heavens and flew away. I was flying fast enough that I didn't even notice when I landed. I was flying so fast that I didn't even feel the impact. 
I crashed into the heavens and smashed through them. I continued smashing through the heavens until I hit the Earth. I smashed through the earth and landed on the moon. I looked up and saw that I was surrounded by stars. I laughed and laughed. 
I continued smashing through the heavens and hitting the earth. I continued smashing through the earth and hitting the sun. I continued smashing through the sun and hitting the blackness beyond the void. I continued smashing through the blackness and reached the center of the universe. 
I then started hitting the center of the universe and smashed through it, where I found myself in front of a giant circle of light. 
I then collapsed onto the floor and fell asleep. The next day, I awakened to find myself in a strange new world. I was no longer human... I was no longer a peasant... I was no longer a farmer... I was no longer a fisherman or a hunter or a warrior or a soldier... 
I stood up and screamed as loud as I could. I called upon all my strength to push my way through the darkness. I tore through the darkness and found myself in a vast plain. I saw an endless expanse of grass stretching endlessly ahead of me. 
I was standing in the middle of it. 
I then started walking towards the horizon and suddenly realized that I was moving at incredible speeds. I realized that I've gone from being a peasant to being a god... 
I then stopped and stared at the horizon. 
THE END
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
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Category:Pointless Violence