Obnoxion

I think I might have wasted my chance. Two years ago, after a lonely bad drug trip that got me hospitalized, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital for brief examination.
All I had to do not to get commited was to tell them I did not have suicidal thoughts.
Well I lied. I was mostly afraid of the consequences. You know, I... I did not want to be a burden on my family. By that point I had already strained their finances by flunking out of college after taking a rather sizable student loan. I was also afraid of them pumping me full of antipsychotics and suffering all sorts of side effects as well as losing my sense of self. I just don't trust psychiatric meds.
But yeah, I lied. I really can't stop thinking about suicide, I'm also a bit obsessed with death. What I had really meant was that I simply did not intend to go through with any suicide attempts.
I made a vow to myself; that I would never kill myself. The vow has no basis - it's more of a failsafe, really. Maybe I'm too scared.
It's 3AM, I have work in three hours and I cannot sleep. I tried, I really did. I will have to call in sick again. I hate doing that, I don't want to be a burden, or unreliable... I'm rambling.
Anyway, to the point: back then I would tell myself that I chose life, but these days I'm not so sure. Maybe I wasted a chance to get help. Maybe I made a mistake.
There is no point pondering what could have been, but issues remain.
As a man, it is expected of me to be sturdy, reliable, to "have balls" - that is, to be unaffected by most adversities life throws at you. Well, I... I'm not very good at being a man.
But it is also said that we are supposed to make others feel like everything is okay. For the longest time, I've been doing just that: not talking about my issues, pretending I am fine. It's really easy: just... don't... talk.
I've grown ashamed of my emotions, and so began to hide them as well. I was not supposed to be a wreck.
I... I don't have friends. Well, I have one, but he's pretty distant. I mean, I'm doing what I can to remain strong, but... It's like... When you leave a person all by themselves, they will typically take care of themselves. When I am left alone, I will proceed to self-destruct.
And I've been completely alone for a while.
I can't deal with life very well at all. Computers are my comfort zone. I will neglect everything in order to spend more time on them. My room, my responsibilities, my health.
That's because other people... Talking to them... I mean... They are out there, and...
Look, let's try to approach this from a different angle. When I first joined CWCki Forums, I had a hidden intention I didn't tell anybody - one so secret, I even managed to obscure it from myself. I came here to be turned into a lolcow. Reading the Wizardchan thread back then... some people offered genuine help, some people were dicks, and some people did a bit of both things!
I wish to interact, but all I seem to want to talk about are my problems, and since I had to pretend everything was okay, I did not talk.
But yeah, I realized this hidden intention when I noticed that I only ever post in the coping thread and the "how has everyone been?" one. I basically wanted to tell someone my life story in hopes they would listen and maybe offer help. Lolcows get offered some excellent help sometimes.
Anyway, I... Well... I'm not sure what's going on, but I seem to be losing control and I don't like it. I keep eating the same meal every day since that's all I can cook. The plants need watering. I have some errands I was supposed to take care of two days ago.
Look, I'm just gonna... I'm just going to take a day off, catch up with the stuff I've neglected, and talk to everyone who may still listen to me - anyone. I need help.
Hah - if only. I might just spend another day on the computer, isolated from others.
Dammit.
I just don't know how to talk to people. How am I going to tell my foreman about all that? I wanted to be reliable, even though I hate my job. Am I going to dump this wall of text on him?
I'm counting down days. There's only one month left until my job contract is finished.
I'm not going to lie, I might not last that long. Not at this rate. I will run out of sick days before that and might just walk out without warning one day. I just... I have to talk.
But once I get laid off, then... what then? All I ever seem to do is disengage from things that "slow me down". But at this rate, soon... there will be nothing left. I'm just that good at self-destructing. I have nobody.
I just want to know... I just want someone to witness me. And maybe like me for who I am. I wish to be unique, and also knowledgeable. But I've got nobody. I don't want to feel worthless. I cannot generate self-esteem properly.
I'll call someone from my family. Errors must not pass quietly, unless explicitly silenced.
I don't know. It... I mean... Without others, I can't do jack. You know, this nickname of mine... "Obnoxion"... I used to ramble like that on some other discussion board and one dude told me something in private when I asked him why everyone seemed to make fun of me. He told me exactly that: "you are obnoxious, you're full of shit, and you love attention. don't talk to me". I couldn't get that out of my head.
That was four years ago. After he told me what he thought about me, I just... stopped. I stopped posting and left that place for good. After that I started frequenting image boards and learned a thing or two about anonymity and advantages of being an anonymous, untargetable dipshit
over being a dipshit with an exposed online identity.
The guy was right, I love attention. But recently I've been beginning to ask myself: well, is that a bad thing? Everyone deserves some attention. And if that's a bad trait, then so be it - it makes me more human. All of the lolcows are more human than me. I don't have flaws, Obnoxion is perfectly inoffensive, and all of his posts are meticulously re-written so that they gain as few negative ratings as possible. And if he has something potentially controversial to say - then he's just going to pretend he doesn't, and refrain from posting altogether.
My job used to be easier before I got "promoted" to a more responsible position. All I had to do was be a reliable cog for eight hours. I never had to talked to anyone, and it was easy for me to pretend that everything was okay.
Nowadays... not so much. I lead a small team of people. I ask forklift drivers to move stuff around. I communicate with the tech department. The amount of talking I have to do has increased ten thousand times. It's much harder to pretend I'm fine.
I'm right here. Notice me. Talk to me. No, it's not going to happen unless I tell you I'm not okay.
The moment I got moved to this post was when my job stopped being just soul-ripping and became also completely unbearable. As the operator of the most important machine in the factory doing the most boring job of them all (mostly literally just standing in place, overseeing the process), I feel responsible for my team's morale and therefore cannot afford so much as a single slip-up, lest they get demotivated and get some silly ideas such as quitting the job or something. I'm pushing myself so hard, I end up causing myself so many minor injuries so often, it borders on deliberate self-harm. Maybe someone would finally notice if they saw how badly beaten-up I am.
It's scary, but I have to start talking about myself. Spread my wings and fly, and hope they don't take too long to mend when I inevitably get in trouble.
I mean, I... I'll try.
Thanks for reading, if anyone bothers to. Getting this off my chest made me feel a little bit better, but the healing is far from over. It has to get worse before it gets better, right? The real obnoxiousness starts here.
I'm still so afraid of admitting to my flaws and problems. Maybe... Maybe I can stop being so destructive one day. But I definitely can't do this alone. 
Category:Fag