SpongeBob Battle For Bikini Bottom Bootleg Copy

Have you ever found yourself falling behind on bills? Well I certainly have, and I'm so behind on my bills in fact that I am forced to take out loans from incredibly powerful gangsters operating in the area. You see; I work as a lumberjack and I spend long afternoons cutting trees down with my handy dandy chainsaw. Sadly, I make very little profit from my job, and I'm saving up to buy a house up in the Monopoly Gardens in Oakton City. I used to own a house up there until it got stolen right from under me by the Monopoly Man himself. I was even sent to jail briefly, but thankfully the Monopoly Man gave me a get out of jail free card so I guess it all worked out well in the end. Living on the dole, I got my job as a lumberjack after accidentally taking a shit in a police officer's hat. I did because I ate a rotten sandwich outside the greenhouses which are actually painted green to keep up with the times. Can you handle that?
Needing to get back on my feet, I took out loans from some of the most dangerous cut throat criminals this side of Oakton City. One of those being Bill Sykes who controlled a large and extensive protection racket which span across the entire city. I tried my best to buy off Sykes by giving him a half eaten pack of chewits, but he didn't take very kindly to my peace offering. He ran me over with his car, but I didn't die because I'm made out of titanium. "Hmm you're pretty darn strong my little duckling." Sykes said as he lit himself a cigar. He then continued with, "here is my deal. Three sunsets, three sunrises, three days for all the money to be delivered to my condo down on the docks." "I can do it in two." I said, but I was then ran over again by Sykes. I didn't get the money, and instead I paid a visit to my second loan shark Walter Big the older brother of Winston Big. Walter was the cruller the braver man despite his outward jolly exterior. He was also the textbook example of a cheapskate as he once stole money from his dying dog who owned a lot of hotels. Walter was even worse than Mr Sykes as he was on my case every single day.
Unlike Sykes, Walter Big was not part of the Mafia, and had no muscle behind him like Sykes did. In Walter's favour however was the fact that he was an old friend of the Monopoly Man. The pair had studied at Cambridge together, and had then opened up a motorbike rental shop in Madrid. Sadly, the shop closed it's doors in early 2010 due to Walter having a serious problem. He liked eating salty rats. Rata tat tat rata tat tat. He threatened to report me to Mr Monopoly if I didn't get him the money by the end of the week. Also, Walter was accompanied by two smelly Dobermans who were formally part of the Junkyard Dogs. I was a serious cynophobe which Walter used to his advantage. One time, I was walking home after a long day of Christmas shopping at Tesco, when I was attacked in the street by Walter's Dobermans whose names are Roscoe and DeSoto by the by. They ended up ripping my face to shreds, and because of this I was then forced to wear a potato sack over it. Walter though he wasn't Mafia connected he still had a fearsome reputation in the British criminal underworld. His great talent it was said was that he could do a job or murder all by himself without any backup or confederates who might rat him out to the police. Since Walter made sure to leave no witnesses either this made a criminal conviction almost impossible.
Looking to pay off both my debts, I began taking some work from my brother Doctor Salvador who used to reside in the mountainous regions of rural Spain. Salvador had recently gotten his hands on a shipment of premium bootlegs which he had stolen directly from Bill Sykes' warehouse. I heard that Spider-Man was there. Cue the sinister music. Anyways, Dr Salvador and I started selling some of these bootlegs out on the street to people. They were mainly Nickelodeon bootlegs which included stuff like a Heffer shotgun, Otis the cow flavoured onion sauce, and an Arnold shaped electric magnetic pulse sensor manufactured by a Chinese company based in Wuhan. They make very good televisions that company. Sal and I made a real killing from selling those bootlegs to people, however we sadly got caught in the act by Walter and his two Dobermans. Walter got ready to beat the shit out of us when I showed him just how much the money we made from selling the bootlegs to people. Impressed by our efforts, Walter demanded a small fine. How much did he ask for? Well my friends he asked for an incredibly small and generous fine of 60 grand. Walter picked the money up, and began rubbing his face with it. Sal and I just stood there disgusted as did Roscoe and DeSoto. Walter then took off his flat cap, and removed a copy of SpongeBob Battle For Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob Battle For Bikini Bottom is a video game based on the popular Nicktoon SpongeBob SquarePants. The game was created in 2003 for the PlayStation 2, GameCube, and original Xbox. It recently got a remaster for the PlayStation 4 and other modern consoles. I don't own any of them though so I didn't really give two figs about that. However, what I did give two figs about was this game that Walter was holding in his hands. It didn't look right. The cover had SpongeBob dressed in drag, and the back of the case showed a horrifying picture of Patrick sniffing glue. I thought that SpongeBob was a family friendly kids show. I guess not eh? Also, the cover smelt really bad. I mean really bad like it legit made my eyes begin to water. The cover was also incredibly sticky and stuck to your hands like a right bastard. Oh and I should also probably mention that it was the ps2 version of the game. "What must I do?" I asked. "Take this game, and take it to him." Walter explained as he threw the DVD right at my chest. "Who?" I asked confused as Walter pinned me to the bricked wall. "Take to Sykes ya wee fanny!" He then proceeded to punch me in the gut as he began to tell a really boring story. Basically, Sykes had learned about Walter muscling in on his protection rackets, and was getting ready to put a hit out on Walter. However, Walter always an excellent judge of character intended to use the bootleg as a peace offering of sorts.
My job was simple. I had to take the bootleg to Sykes' warehouse down in Atlantic Quay. I then departed from Walter's side with Salvador accompanying me. We began making our way towards the warehouse when Salvador made the bold suggestion that we play the game a little first before handing it in to Sykes. "Ain't a little risky?" I asked which caused Salvador to say, "maybe they sell cars too." "Oh I see." I said awkwardly as we both began making our way through the city catching the tram back to my trailer. Yes I lived in a trailer shut up! I already told you at the beginning of this tale that money was hard for me at the moment! Arriving at my trailer, I let myself in and began making myself and Sal some cups of Joe. Sadly, as I am very poor my coffee supply isn't the greatest. My coffee machine is from the 1930's, and as such the coffee is always really rotten. I poured the coffee into our cups, and it began moving. There was an eyeball and some gone off eggs in there. Returning to the main sitting area of the trailer, I handed Sal his coffee as we both sat down on my half chewed sofa. That's when my pet white chocolate rabbit appeared from behind us.
Yes you see: I own a pet white chocolate rabbit named Randolph Gritler who can somehow talk and interact with us. He's really fucking weird not just because he's a you know talking white chocolate rabbit, but also because he keeps trying to seduce us into eating him. I have explained to Randolph that since he is white chocolate he does not technically qualify as an official chocolate in my judgemental eyes. "Well if I'm not chocolate then you probably wouldn't be interested in eating me ha ha!" Randolph laughed in an incredibly weird tone as he showed off his rabbit ass which made me gag violently. I nearly vomited, while Dr Salvador said, "oh that's cunning Randolph!" For some reason, Randolph said that he wanted to play the bootleg with us. I agreed just so he'd stop presenting to Salvador and I. I then asked, "you sure that it's a good idea to play this bootleg Sal?" Sal looked at me with big red eyes as he said, "just play the fucking game!" Well that was rather rude dude I must say! However, because I'm quite naïve I made no comment about it. Though to this day, I still find Doctor Salvador's comments to be rather heavy handed.
So, Sal placed the disc into my PlayStation 2, and I guess that the ps2 didn't like the game very much as it caused smoke to start coming out from the console. "Why is there smoke coming out of our ps2 Sal?" I asked confused. "Oh that isn't smoke bro that's steam steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mm steamed clams." At that moment, a local preacher came in to ask for a donation to the church, however Salvador responded to this by getting his chainsaw out, and chainsawing the preacher's head off. It was truly a sight to see. If only you could have been there dear we'd of had some milkshake and fries! I'm getting distracted aren't I? Must be the fumes from the ps2 still stuck in my system.
The game started by showing the usual boring Nickelodeon logos. Nothing out of the ordinary until the main menu appeared. SpongeBob was dancing like a mad man, and the sky above him was green and murky. It was so dark that you could barely could see SpongeBob. Also there was only one option on the menu and it read, "click here." I clicked it, and the game started with the opening cutscene but it wasn't right. Instead of starting at the Chum Bucket with Plankton, this bootleg started at Goo Lagoon with Larry the Lobster eating worms. Yes, he was eating actual worms who had recently become orphans because of the recession. Seriously look it up in the official SpongeBob guide; Larry is a sick fuck.
While eating his disgusting meal, Larry noticed that something was coming out from the brine pool. It was robots! However, they were robotic versions of Alf. Yes Alf the smug little alien who helped advertise Crash 4 to a cynical game developer who secretly has it out for Alf, and is working for the governor of Alaska to get Alf in big trouble. Ahem! Sorry about that massive tangent, anyways, after seeing the Alf robots, Larry screamed and ran over to the lifeguard tower, and pressed a large red button on the side of the tower. However, the button did absolutely nothing as Larry was then tackled to the ground by the Alf robots. So sad.
At SpongeBob's pineapple house, SpongeBob woke up from his slumber, and was dismayed to learn that his house had been completely trashed during the night. SpongeBob said, "oh buggering buggerton that does indeed appear to be a sticky wicket." That didn't sound anything like SpongeBob. SpongeBob also didn't look like himself, and instead resembled a more traditional sea sponge. None of the rooms in the pineapple would open, and there was no shiny objects to collect. Also, the kitchen containing the letter from Mr Krabs was completely empty. Heading outside, SpongeBob made his way up to Mr Krabs who looked ill. Like seriously he was green like Shrek, and his eyes were eyes. Ha got you didn't I my bucko! " That's when Mr Krabs fell onto the floor as an ambulance appeared on the scene. Mr Krabs was then placed onto a stretcher, and was taken to the hospital. According to one of the paramedics, Mr Krabs had eaten some smelly gruel at a local seedy diner. The same diner that Ebenezer Scrooge used to frequent many moons ago.
With Mr Krabs out of commission, I decided have SpongeBob pay a visit to Squidward. Oh my fucking eggplants Squidward what the shit did they do to you!? Squidward was in his handsome Squidward form, and he was having a right go at SpongeBob for causing all the Alf robots to appear in Bikini Bottom. I then proceeded to make SpongeBob jump around the room in order to obtain a sock and golden spatula, however I ended up causing a snow globe to fall off the mantle. "Squidward look out for that snow globe!" SpongeBob cried in despair as he ran towards Squidward. "Huh?" Squidward asked as he turned around to see the snow globe only to get pushed out of the way just in time by SpongeBob. Squidward then began dancing across the room while screaming as really out of place opera music played in the background. Dancing Squid young as ween he's only 42. Having had enough, I left the house before even seeing the outcome of Squidward's fall.
I headed to Jellyfish Fields, and the level was weird. First of all, the grass was incredibly long. So long in fact that it was very hard to see SpongeBob. Also, Spork Mountain was right at the very start of the level instead of being located right at the very end. SpongeBob began making his way towards Spork Mountain. Once again there were no shiny objects in sight, and as such the clam that appears by the bridge to ask for some shiny objects was absent. Reaching the very top of Spork Mountain, I was horrified to find Governor Tackleton in the shower instead of the King Jellyfish. Upon seeing SpongeBob, Tackleton's face became red with fury as he yelled, "ya wee bastard!" He then proceeded to grow to become an alarming 5000 feet tall. A crazy chase scene then ensued with Tackleton chasing SpongeBob down Spork Mountain. SpongeBob ran through Jellyfish Fields screaming like mad sponges tend to do when being chased. Tackleton was not giving up easily, and was hot on Spongey's tail. SpongeBob continued running from Tackleton until he eventually decided to hide behind a large jagged rock.
Hiding behind the jagged rock, SpongeBob felt something tap his shoulder. He slowly turned around to see a cricket smoking a pipe. He was also sitting on a teeny tiny lounge chair which I thought was rather cute. The cricket then asked SpongeBob why he didn't just give Tackleton a Christmas present. "It's the middle of July Mr Cricket." SpongeBob said which caused the cricket to stick his pipe right in SpongeBob's eye however this didn't seem to hurt the sponge much. Although some critics on IGN may like to claim the cricket's actions towards Spongey were a court martial offense, I myself found good humour within this exchange. The Cricket and SpongeBob then both dawned chef hats, and proceeded to cook up a foul smelling Christmas pudding. The odd thing was that you could play it through the TV as if the ps2 had some sort of smell duct inside of it. Oh it smelt really bad. Like it smelt burnt to fuck. The smell was so intense that my eyes began to water, and Randolph started to melt. In the end, I think that's what he really wanted, and that's just really sad. Well that's was I think anyway.
SpongeBob and the Cricket then proceeded to present the Christmas pudding over to Tackleton after he threw the jagged rock out of the way in order to kill Spongey. Spongey and the Cricket forced Tackleton to eat the Christmas pudding. "Shove it in ya you greedy fat bullocks!" The Cricket yelled angrily. He was quite the bastard that damn Cricket. Cricket On The Hearth my arse! After consuming the Christmas pudding, Tackleton shrunk back to his original size. The Cricket said, "don't feel bad that you are a fat bugger you should like Christmas!" "Okay!" Tackleton proclaimed in honestly the dumbest voice I'd ever heard. He pulled an incredibly cheesy grin. Tackleton then reached inside his suit pocket, and removed a sack containing loads of individually wrapped Christmas presents, For the remainder of the level, Tackleton went around Jellyfish Fields giving Christmas presents to everyone he saw. It was quite a beautiful sight to see. Shame you couldn't have been there reader.
Downtown Bikini Bottom fared much better than Jellyfish Fields. The level had some traces of normality with the Sea Needle section going like normal. I was also able to collect all of the steering wheels for Mrs Puff. However, things began to go pear shape after I switched to Sandy Cheeks, and began making my way across the rooftops. Reaching the rooftops, Larry the Lobster was not present probably because of how he was brutally murdered in the opening cutscene by the Alf robots. Good riddance I say! Sandy made her way across a few rooftops until a piano appeared in the sky which was been lifted by a conveniently placed helicopter. On top of the piano, Billy Joel Dog was singing. No joke; it was acclaimed singer Billy Joel as a dog. That's better that's Tetley! "Why should I worry? Why should I care?" Billy Joel Dog sang as Sandy hopped onto the piano and began dancing with the demented Billy Joel Dog. Also, SpongeBob and Mr Krabs were also dancing on the piano as was Mrs Puff.
However, the dancing while it may appear to be amusing to some people, I myself found the performance to be rather cringey, and it made me vomit all Randolph. "Oh well now I'm definitely not eating you!" I cried in despair as I clutched the controller tightly in my clammy hands. Suddenly, the wire holding the piano up in the air ended up snapping causing the piano to fall towards the ground at an alarming rate. Now that made me laugh which disgusted Salvador and Randolph. "Excuse me but that was rather cold even for you." Randolph remarked in a rather cynical tone. Oh Randolph you're oh so cynical! The game then cut to show SpongeBob moping around the streets of Downtown Bikini Bottom, however the streets resembled a realistic rendition of New York City. There was graffiti on the walls, and there was even a mini mall. SpongeBob didn't appear to notice that anything was up, and instead made his way up the road towards a local family ran cafe. The cafe was incredibly cosy looking, though the welcome mat was spelt wrong and was instead spelt, "weclome." Well what can I say except you're weclome! "Oh I could really use a spot of tea." SpongeBob said as he made his way inside the cafe. Once again that didn't sound anything like SpongeBob that I know and love.
Inside the cafe, Alf was sitting at one of the booths driving from a cup of tea. The cafe was empty expect for SpongeBob, Alf, and the waiter. Alf waved SpongeBob over to his booth. "Alf tell me how to defeat these robots." SpongeBob pleaded as he sat down across from Alf. "No can do my little Spongey friend for those robots are the future of Bikini Bottom." Alf explained as he took a swig from his cup of hot sweet tea. Alf then said, "perhaps we could avoid any further incidents if we were to say form an alliance of sorts." He then continued with, "if you help me take over Bikini Bottom, I can guarantee you $50,000, and I will make you my personal fry cook." "Sounds tempting." SpongeBob joked which caused Alf to pull an incredibly angry face, "I'm going to have to eat you!" Alf proclaimed in an incredibly scary voice which was so scary it caused me to start hiding behind the sofa in utter shock and fear. SpongeBob ran out of the cafe screaming while Alf asked in a confused tone, "uh was it something I said?"
Goo Lagoon was next, and the beach looked terrible. It was blown to shit, and the sand was covered in mine turtles. SpongeBob had to make sure that each step he took was extremely well thought out and careful. While exploring Goo Lagoon, SpongeBob fought his way through some of the Alf Robots only to then run into Patrick. Patrick then betted that SpongeBob could not possibly make a better sandcastle than him. So, the pair then proceeded to engage in a sandcastle build off. SpongeBob built himself a rather traditional sandcastle, he had even gone as far as to make the interior of the castle look like a traditional one. Meanwhile, Patrick built himself a massive sand crack den. Yes an actual crack den. Wanting to see what the interior of Patrick's sand castle, SpongeBob was allowed entrance after paying the doorman a SMALL fine of $250,000. Inside the crack den, Patrick was smoking from a crack pipe. He looked disgusting. Patrick no longer looked like himself, and instead now looked like a fungus. There was mushrooms and gangrene growing out from his head. "Patrick.... what on Earth is...." SpongeBob's eye turned red as Patrick shoved a crack pipe into his mouth. "Smoke it up SpongeBob mon." Patrick said as he and SpongeBob began having a massive drug binge.
After having their massive drug binge, SpongeBob and Patrick headed to the Snack Bar, and saw a miserable Sandman sitting on one of the chairs. Not wanting to see someone miserable at the beach, SpongeBob and Patrick who were still suffering from the effects of the drugs decided to cheer the Sandman up by making some homemade Glenny sandwiches. Using an old recipe taught to them by none other than Ted Glen himself, SpongeBob and Patrick made some sandwiches. However, they didn't have the sharp wit and collectiveness of Ted Glen so they ended up making a real pig's ear of it. The Sandman picked one of the Glenny sandwiches up, and shoved it into his massive mouth. The sandwich made the Sandman gag with every bite, yet he still somehow managed to chow the entire thing down. After eating the disgusting sandwich, Patrick appeared on the scene pulling a red wheel barrow along which contained bags upon bags of Glenny sandwiches. Unable to stomach another bite, the Sandman tried to run, but was ultimately pinned down to the ground by SpongeBob and Patrick who force fed sandwiches down the poor creature's throats. The Sandman ultimately exploded into a million tiny bite size pieces causing the entirety of Goo Lagoon to get covered in a mess of sand and half eaten Glenny sandwiches. Under the covers, and I guess that's why they call it the blues!
Returning to Bikini Bottom, it was finally time to head to the Poseidome. Also, I should mention that even I only had like 5 golden spatulas in my collection and 0 shiny objects, I was still able to access all of the levels. Not that I minded anyway. That was totally not sarcasm or was it onion paste. Well I got news for you buster. That wasn't onion paste! You shouldn't take food from a stranger's plate, a stranger's plate, a stranger's plate, a stranger's plate! Ahem! I apologize for that incredibly weird and long tangent. At the Poseidome, the fight with Robot Sandy was completely normal. The only noticeable difference is that Robot Sandy was a lot more aggressive than normal, and she also had way more hit points which of course made the fight gone on for longer than it had any right to be. After defeating Robot Sandy, King Neptune appeared on the scene to congratulate SpongeBob. "Cry all you want, but not here. We just waxed the floors!" King Neptune joked as he gave SpongeBob a wink. He then proceeded to stare at the screen for a good five hours. No seriously, he legit stared at us for five hours. Why didn't we bother turning the game off? Well believe me we tried that. We unplugged the ps2, and even pressed the standby button on the console but it had no effect. King Neptune just wouldn't take his smelly face off the screen.
After the five hours were up, my next stop was the Mermalair. In the Mermalair, Barnacle Boy was watching BBC 2, and was complaining about the lack of culture which the channel radiates. SpongeBob was ordered by Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy to find a mouse who had somehow snuck inside the Mermalair. The Mermalair looked old and decrepit. Eventually, SpongeBob stumbled across a disco room which had a massive dance floor, and a conveniently placed disco ball hanging from the ceiling. Disco Stu then appeared on the dance floor and proclaimed, "Disco Stu needs you." And so, SpongeBob and Disco Stu began dancing against each other in an incredibly epic dance off which has been dubbed by the press as an event in video game history. Suddenly, Disco Stu's head began to shoot out long streaks of blood as he cried, "Disco Stu need to poo!" Disco Stu then ran out of the room farting violently as he did so. Meanwhile, SpongeBob explored more of the Mermalair until he eventually reached the ball room.
The ball room wasn't even the ball room anymore, and had been replaced with a recording studio. Mr Krabs having recovered from the smelly gruel from earlier was now sitting in the director's chair. "What's going on here Mr K?" SpongeBob asked to which Mr Krabs responded with, "I'm shooting a commercial for the Krusty Krab me boy." That's when Man Ray appeared on the scene, and was having a fight with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. The two senile superheroes tried their best to defeat Man Ray, but they were just no match for his rad dancing moves. Man Ray had put in long hours training how to dance having paid Disco Stu a great deal of cash to teach him some rad 1970's dance moves. This helps explain Disco Stu's appearance at the beginning of the level.
After getting tied up, Mermaid Man lamented his kidnapping by saying, "We cannot escape Barnacle Boy. He is too strong like the unbeatable taste of a Krabby Patty." Mermaid Man then held up a rather disgusting looking Krabby Patty. I highly recommend not eating anything as I describe what the burger looked like to you. Because if you do eat you'll most likely end up vomiting it all over the floor. So put some newspapers on there first okay? The Krabby Patty looked rotten, and there was slime and pus coming out of it. It was burnt to fuck, the patty meat was rotten and looked like poo, and there were worms coming out of the burger. They were glow worms, and looked rather miserable as they had just gotten home from a late night at the office. Bet ya didn't know that glow worms had jobs did ya my bucko? Anyways, Man Ray appranately became somewhat aroused by the horrible sight as he asked, "a notorious treat which no mortal can resist?" "That's right." Barnacle Boy said as he and Mermaid Man were released from their trap. Man Ray picked the rotten burger up as he said, "oh I just can't resist the taste of a Krabby Patty." He then proceeded to pull an incredibly weird face. Saucy Man Ray.
The game then did a really weird cut, and for some unexplained reason SpongeBob was now standing outside of Sandy's Treedome. Inside the Treedome, Sandy was trying her darndest to get some Christmas lights onto her tree when SpongeBob approached her. "Need any help my squirrel chum?" SpongeBob asked curiously. Seriously what the fuck is up with that sponge!? Sandy then asked if SpongeBob could throw some acorns at some cracks which had appeared in the walls of the Treedome. SpongeBob accepted the task, and managed to block some of the cracks until he ended up accidentally throwing one of the acorns at a bee nest. Why was Sandy keeping a bee nest in her Treedome? Well I wouldn't know ask the dishes! They can sing they can dance after all this is France! Try the grey stuff it's fucking shit! Sorry about that. Suddenly, the Treedome erupted in a massive frenzy of angry buzzing as several seriously pissed off bees appeared on the scene. These bees were on steroids, and were able to carry SpongeBob up into the air with their immense strength. Sandy grabbed an AK47, and tried her best to shoot the little fuckers but she had no such luck in that regard.
SpongeBob meanwhile was stuffed inside the bee nest where he was forced to attend an incredibly boring interview with Bee Larry King: the bee equivalent of Larry King. "So SpongeBob what do you think of the game so far?" Larry asked. "Well Larry to tell you the truth I find it to bee rather challenging. I just hope I can bee on time." SpongeBob explained as Bee Larry King responded with, "just beehave yourself out there SpongeBob." Really cheesy music began playing in the background as Bee Larry King began playing with some papers on his desk whilst SpongeBob proceeded to just stare at him. Very awkwardly might I add.
After the interview with Bee Larry King, I decided it was finally time to visit Sand Mountain. Sadly, the level's entrance was blocked off. Squidward who was no longer in his handsome form was standing by the entrance, and SpongeBob asked, "hey what's going on here Squidward?" "Didn't you hear the news SpongeBob? Alf has told the health department that Sand Mountain has violated the emergency protocols. So, they've had to close it down." That's when SpongeBob did a strange thing. His eyes became purple, and his face took on an angry demented look. His teeth grew to become as sharp as knives. He turned around to see a health inspector who had been hired by Alf to close down Sand Mountain getting into his car. He was heading home to spend sometime with his part-time lover Farmer Pickles. Also, the health inspector was a human being, and I recognised him as being the same health inspector who gave Benji's Got Fries two stars on Trip Advisor. That bastard he deserves to be handed over to Big Smile Lee! SpongeBob no longer having an ounce of rational thinking to speak of, he chased after the health inspector who for the life of him just could not get his damn car to start. This was likely due to the fact that the car was centuries old. Like we're talking 40's or 50's here people!
SpongeBob climbed on top of the health inspector's car, and broke the windshield. He then proceeded to reach inside the car in an attempt to kill the health inspector. The health inspector's car finally started working, and he began speeding down the busy streets of Downtown Bikini Bottom. Sadly, it didn't last very long as SpongeBob managed to climb his way inside the car, and he proceeded to kidnap the health inspector. He took the inspector home with him. SpongeBob kept the inspector held captive in his pineapple house for a few days, but of course he had to cut the health inspector loose once his wife began begging for his release. Ha ha his wife was worried sick about her husband's whereabouts isn't that wacky!?
Okay, so I'll admit I didn't bother playing through Rock Bottom, and instead handed the controller over to Randolph. Meanwhile, Dr Salvador had fallen asleep, and had pie smeared all over his potato sack. What a pig! At that very moment, a knock occurred on the front door of my trailer. I answered the door only to be greeted by none other than Roscoe and DeSoto the two Dobermans who belonged to Walter. Also, to tell the truth, I lied a tad bit at the beginning of this epic tale when I said that the two Dobermans belonged to Walter. Their true owner was Mr Sykes, but they were not entirely loyal to Sykes, and offered their services to rival loan sharks like Walter Big. I looked at the two dogs with contempt as I asked, "what do you want can't you see that I'm busy?" "Step outside we've got something for you to see!" Roscoe sang as I made my way out of the trailer onto the parking lot. I couldn't believe what I saw! Those two bastard dogs had smeared their poop all over the trailer. Yep not even joking. Using their faeces, the pair had written the words, "get the money by sundown or you're toast." Yeah as it turns out, Sykes had decided to change the recent due date of the debt to just one day. He was getting a lot of pressure from his bosses to recover the debt faster, and he was more than happy to oblige.
Roscoe and DeSoto then made their way inside the trailer caring not a button for the darkness when in reality it was half past three in the afternoon. Roscoe looked at me as he asked, "so what ya playing?" "None of your business." I said which caused Roscoe to pull an incredibly smug face too smug if I may say so myself but I digress! Meanwhile, DeSoto because he's really weird started sniffing the floor of the trailer, and upon turning around he came to face to face with the delicious white chocolate rabbit that was Randolph Gritler. "I eat rabbits!" DeSoto proclaimed at the very top of his lungs as he then attempted to eat the sweet rabbit who welcomed the sweet embrace of death. Once again that's just really sad. I threw a box of Walnut Whip at DeSoto's nose which ended up scarring it. Thankfully, the two then buggered off after learning that I had Buggy Buzz on standby. Buggy Buzz is a knock off Buzz Lightyear toy released by the Japanese company; "Singing Possibly Saucy Star With A Parking Fine And Hard On For Butternut Squash." Really awesome and super short name I know. The toy was basically Buzz stuffed inside a buggy. Bugger off buggy bugger!
With Roscoe and DeSoto gone, I sat back down on my sofa. Salvador had somehow not waken up whatsoever during that exchange. I then told Randolph that he could play for a bit while I would just watch him. I know those two bastard dogs made it very clear that Sykes wanted his precious money before sundown, but I just had to see what happened next in this game! So, back in the game after finishing Rock Bottom, which according to Randolph was a lot of bullshit. So the most logical step in our minds was to head to Industrial Park to fight against Robot Patrick.
The Robot Patrick fight didn't go over normally like the Robot Sandy fight did. Robot Patrick threw his acid flavoured ice cream at Squidward which caused his face to melt off like a pizza. Sandy meanwhile laughed because deep down the old squirrel had always had it out for ole Squidy. That's cunning Sandy! Robot Patrick then proceeded to pick up Sandy, and began making his way out of Industrial Park. Robot Patrick went around Bikini Bottom terrorising the citizens while Alf admired his creation from a nearby park bench. "That's my boy!" Alf proclaimed happliy as he wiped a tear of joy from his eye. Robot Patrick then reached a parody of the Empire States Building, and began climbing his way up it. He had placed Sandy proudly upon his robotic shoulder. SpongeBob made a urgent call to the military as tanks appeared on the scene, and began firing at Robot Patrick with one of the tanks managing to get a shot right at the conveniently placed, "kick me," sign on the back of the robot.
Robot Patrick then began falling towards the cold hard ground while screaming and screaming some more for SpongeBob to get him a bag of chips and maybe just maybe a cheeky hot cup of coff. Nothing too fancy though, Just a coffee. This line of dialogue was later adapted into the 2023 romantic comedy, "Just A Coffee," which features Meg Ryan as a coffee barrister who falls for a cynical life coach played by Tom Hank. Though in some scenes, he's played by Danny DeVito due to Tom Hanks having a falling out with the casting director over how the big the couch in scene 24 would be. I'm getting distracted again, I really do need to stop doing that don't I dear reader? Okay... so with Robot Patrick dead, SpongeBob finally thudded onwards the final part of Bikini Bottom. Now our adventure could really begin!
That's when I saw something singing in the streets of Bikini Bottom. It looked like a chicken nugget wearing a beret. He was also sporting a French moustache, and was singing about the power of adjectives. "Adjectives will help you paint the way!" Mr Chicken Nugget sang as he then proceeded to insult SpongeBob for his rather embarrassing and disgraceful looking attire. He however managed to prevent a beating by then claiming that SpongeBob's square pants looked dashing and photo genic. "That's not an adjective." SpongeBob said, but he was told to shut up by Mr Chicken Nugget. Mr Chicken Nugget was then hogtied by SpongeBob, and brought to the kitchen of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob then proceeded to throw the chicken nugget hybrid onto the grill, and he cooked himself a lovely chicken nugget meal. Damn that's colder than an ice cold glass of pasture pasta. Ha ha get it? GET IT? Of course you don't because how can a story be rare if there's no story to be told.
Kelp Forest was the next level on our map, but it wasn't the Kelp Forest that we all know and love. No instead, the level had been replaced with the Tetley Tea Factory. Spongey was given a tour of the factory by two of the Tetley Tea Folk named Gaffer and Sydney. Gaffer then forced SpongeBob to drive some cups of hot sweet tea which under normal circumstances would have delighted the yellow sea sponge, but not this time. He found the constant tea drinking to be rather disgusting. Through the use of a time montage, SpongeBob was shown putting in long afternoons learning the tea business from Gaffer and the rest of the Tetley Tea Folk. However, I guess that this bootleg wasn't interested in that as the game then proceeded to cut to show Sydney serenading his cup of hot sweet tea. "I said I love you that's forever, and this I promise from the heart." Sydney sang as he then proceeded to dance with a rather sexy looking mop. Yeah I'm attracted to mops what of it? After finishing making the tea, Sydney finished his small ballad with, "I couldn't love you any better I love you just the way you are." I guess that the developers of this bootleg were big Billy Joel fans because there seemed to be a lot of references in here to his music.
Okay, SpongeBob on the other hand wasn't fairing too well as he was irritating Gaffer greatly with how he made the cups of tea. He even went as far as to put sugar into Gaffer's tea. "Nooooooooo!" Gaffer cried at the very top of his lungs as he then proceeded to slow motion his way towards SpongeBob thereby preventing him from putting the sugar in the cup. "Oh yeah ya don't take sugar!" SpongeBob laughed as Gaffer wiped the sweat from his brow. Suddenly, a dinosaur appeared in the main lobby and this scared the shit out of Gaffer and Sydney. However, it provided the perfect opportunity for SpongeBob to escape. He ran out of the Tetley Tea Factory back onto the busy streets of Bikini Bottom. Upon realising that Spongey had ditched them, Sydney sobbed heavily into his handkerchief, but Gaffer made Sydney a cup of tea. This allowed for Sydney to forget all about his troubles as he then began walking to work, even though he was already at work. What the ever loving flying saucer was that about?
SpongeBob's Dream was the first level in the entire game to actually be somewhat normal. Well at least it seemed to be that way at first. At first, the only real difference to the level was that Sandy's dream was extremely challenging. The slide was very tight. and Sandy could not stay on course for love nor money. One of the most noticeable changes for this level was the fact that Patrick's dream was actually a complete level with loads of islands made entirely from ice cream and other deserts like cinnamon rolls. It was essentially the beta version of Patrick's dream, as in the main game Patrick's dream was just him standing in complete darkness before coughing up a golden spatula to SpongeBob. This section was very fun, and was the first time in this entire bootleg that I was actually enjoying myself. The music was very clownie, and the floor of the level was a massive keyboard. Reaching the end of the dream sequence, Patrick and SpongeBob ate some ice creams while a nearby waiter sighed in a rather depressed tone. That damn waiter was just six months away from early retirement, but those two fucks SpongeBob and Patrick just had to take it all away from him didn't they?
Leaving Patrick's dream, SpongeBob was now standing inside a large and claustrophobic boiler room. Inside the boiler room, there were singing noises coming from down the hall. "Whose there?" SpongeBob inquired as an all too familiar figure wearing a red and green jumper appeared on the scene. It was Freddy Krueger! "Who is you?" SpongeBob asked as Freddy Krueger responded to this by pulling out a power glove and a copy of Wii Sports. I mean how could that be anything other than a political statement? I licked my teeth wildly as Freddy Krueger started chasing SpongeBob through the boiler room after Spongey revealed that he had never played Wii Sports before. This was just unacceptable in Krueger's eyes. Can you blame him in all honesty? I mean seriously who hasn't played Wii Sports? Well not me wink. Huddled in a cramped corner of the boiler room, SpongeBob discovered that he was trapped. Freddy Krueger appeared as he said, "come back here boy!" "Why are you doing this to me?" SpongeBob asked as he pulled an incredibly weird face. He pulled a face which resembled that of a pickled onion. Better call Pickled.
Freddy Krueger then proceeded to pull a red sitting chair out from his ass, and he sat down as he began to explain his story to SpongeBob. To make an already long story a tad shorter, Freddy Krueger had attended community college with Alf. In fact, the two had actually been roommates while in college. Alf reunited with his old friend at a bar up in Queensland, and bribed the dream lord to kill SpongeBob. Freddy Krueger then threw the red sitting chair into the furnace as he proclaimed, "watch this!" He then proceeded to slice his fingers off with his glove. Upon noticing that he had cut his fingers off, Freddy cried, "my fucking fingers!" He then proceeded to fall to the floor and huddled into a small ball. Well that was certainly not the Freddy Krueger that I know and love! SpongeBob used this opportunity to escape the boiler room by using the conveniently placed fire exit.
For the remainder of SpongeBob's Dream, SpongeBob was forced to take part in a series of bizarro dreams including one involving a super calm zebra who planned on making the sea sponge into soup. After finally completing all of these dreams, SpongeBob finally woke up from his slumber. That's when it dawned upon me that I only had one level left to complete, and that was the Flying Dutchman's Graveyard.
The Flying Dutchman's Graveyard started out with SpongeBob and Sandy walking through the graveyard, Sandy was carrying an old fashioned lantern while SpongeBob was carrying two shovels. This level was eerily quiet, and there were no Alf robots to be seen. After walking for awhile, SpongeBob and Sandy stopped when they reached a tombstone made from solid gold. The camera then zoomed in on the grave in order to show who it belonged to. To my utter surprise the grave belonged to none other than Larry the Lobster. "Dig em up SpongeBob." Sandy said as she shined the lamp over the grave. SpongeBob dug the grave in rapid succession using both shovels to do so as he was ambidextrous after all. SpongeBob dug the grave, as Sandy pulled out a bottle of holy water from her spacesuit. "Welcome home Larry." Sandy said as she poured the holy water onto Larry's casket. Sadly, SpongeBob and Sandy had failed to consider what the effects of the holy water would have upon the other deceased inhabitants of the Dutchman's Graveyard. At that moment, a large red and semi-rotten lobster claw burst out from the casket causing SpongeBob to go flying to the over side of the Graveyard.
Larry the Lobster now a zombie climbed out from the casket as the other undead characters began climbing out from their graves. These included Old Man Jenkins who was poisoned by Mr Krabs and Plankton many moons ago. Some say that Krabs is still suffering from the guilt like some kind of Marge Simpson, but I beg to differ on that one. There were several other undead characters including Incidental 189 and Dr Melvin Monroe. The zombies began making their way through the Graveyard, and tried their best to kill Sandy but she was able to repel the zombies with her lasso. Using her lasso, Sandy swung her way towards the Flying Dutchman's ship. On the ship, the Flying Dutchman was busy trying to catch up on Downton Abbey when Sandy arrived to ask for his assistance in the matter.
Upon hearing about how SpongeBob and Sandy had essentially resurrected the dead, the Flying Dutchman facepalmed and groaned heavily all at the same time! Somehow, the Flying Dutchman then proceeded to morph himself into an atomic nuke, and he flew high up into the evening sky. He then began speeding towards the zombies at an alarming rate. Zombie Larry looked up at the Flying Dutchman nuke as he remarked, "oh buggering buggerton." A massive nuclear explosion then occurred which caused SpongeBob and Sandy to fly all the way over to the Chum Bucket. They ended up crashing through the roof of the Chum Bucket. Also, I should probably mention that Patrick was on the roof twerking and trying to get some lasers to shoot out from his ass. Guess he needs a prune smoothie or a brown muffin. How delightfully Tetley Tea.
Inside the Chum Bucket, SpongeBob and Sandy were surprised to learn that Alf had converted the Chum Bucket into a pimping casino for the Russian Mafia who were fricking bears on unicycles. "So SpongeBob, I suppose that this is the final countdown." Alf said as he began to wrestling with SpongeBob. Sandy was however able to break off their fight. "Just calm down both of you!" Sandy yelled as she then continued with, "look maybe we could settle this over a friendly game of poker." Alf rubbed his chin as he remarked, "sounds reasonable." So with Patrick serving as the card master, SpongeBob threw some money onto the poker table as he proclaimed, "let it rain Patrick let it rain!" Sadly, SpongeBob didn't know a damn thing about poker so he ended up losing very quickly. SpongeBob before he could even react was then eaten by the Russian Mafia as Alf said, "well time to make some mince pie." Patrick and Sandy along with Mr Krabs and Squidward decided to flee the country by moving to underwater Switzerland. Yes, somehow the entirety of Switzerland was now submerged underwater. Whatever just go through with it okay? This pasta is long enough as it is already!
With SpongeBob dead and his friends fleeing the country, Alf assumed control over Bikini Bottom, and he began scheming to take control of congress. At that precise moment, the game cut to black for 5 seconds, and went it came back it was showing the credits. They were pretty hot. After the credits were over, a post credit scene was shown which featured Bill Sykes on the phone to someone. "No break his legs first and then inquire about interest." Sykes explained as he slammed his mighty phone of mightiness down. Honestly, he slammed that damn phone so hard I think it made a dent in the table. "The money Bucky." Sykes began as he then continued with, "bring it to the dockyards in half an hour. I'll be waiting to buzz you in. Remember Bucky this is your last chance." Sykes said as my ps2 then blew up. Grabbing my wallet off the kitchen counter, I attempted to make my way outside only to get intercepted by Walter. "What's your hurry Murray?" Walter asked as he waddled his way inside the trailer.
Sitting back down in the trailer, I told Walter about how I intended to give the bootleg over to Sykes to cover as payment. Walter responded to this by grabbing me by the neck as he yelled, "are you fricking insane my boy? Sykes is a pushover. You should just pop five bullets into that fat fuck." "Tempting. You seem to forget Walter; Sykes works for Don Salvatore Molinari: the most powerful Don in all of Oakton City. "So? Molinari and me are tight like two peas in a pea and ham soup. He knows that Sykes is useless, and he won't bat an eyelid should Sykes stop coming to work every day. Know what I mean?" Walter explained. "Perhaps." I said as Walter kicked me out the front door with Randolph and Dr Salvador following closely behind us.
Using Walter's motorcycle, we made our way down to the Oakton City Dockyards where Sykes' office was. He operated out of a large former fish packaging warehouse. We made our way inside the warehouse without even waiting for Sykes to buzz us in. Walter remained outside the warehouse to have a cigarette and taste some of the salty sea air. He told us that he would be with us when the time came. Inside the warehouse, we made our way down the steamy corridors and down the ice covered stairs until we reached Sykes' office which sat at the very bottom of the warehouse for some reason. Upon seeing me, Sykes pulled an incredibly face and leaned back in his chair as he asked, "ah Bucky did we bring something nice and green?" "Uh technically uh nah." I said rather nonchalantly as Sykes groaned in despair as he lamented, "pity I had such high hopes for you my boy." Sykes then proceeded to send his two bastard Dobermans Roscoe and DeSoto after us. They managed to bite one of Randolph's ears off. That's when I hatched an idea, and gave Sykes the SpongeBob bootleg. "Excellent! Maybe you will amount to something after all." Sykes remarked as he threw some spicy foo at Roscoe and DeSoto. They would have preferred canned bread from their master!
Sykes opened up the case only to learn that there was no longer a disc inside it. "You bastard!" Sykes yelled at the tippy top of his lungs, as Walter came crashing in through the walls of the warehouse with his motorcycle from earlier. The three of us hopped onto the motorcycle as we began speeding our way out of the warehouse. Now on the busy streets of Oakton City, I could see hear Roscoe and DeSoto chasing us. "You'll never catch us!" I joked. My joke ended up biting me in the ass as I saw Sykes speeding down the road in his black Cadillac. We decided to take a diversion down the old subway channels which Mayor Dangerfield had installed in his attempt to make Oakton City the New York City of Great Britain. Sykes was not far behind us, and was speeding down the stairwell after us.
Now on the train tracks, we began attempting to make our way through the tunnels, but still Sykes remained in hot pursuit. He wasn't going to let us go for love nor money! In fact, Sykes was so determined to catch us that he ended up snapping the bloody gear stick off. The wheels of the Cadillac also melted into the train tracks. Sykes' large hairy hand reached out from the car window, and he was able to catch Randolph. He pulled Randolph inside the car who was happy that he was finally going to fulfil his purpose in life which was to get eaten. I couldn't have that! So, I climbed inside the car only to find Roscoe and DeSoto sitting across me. They were pulling very sinister expressions. "Hello puppet." Roscoe said as he and DeSoto tried to eat me. I managed to climb back onto the very top of the Cadillac, and I threw Randolph at Salvador who somehow managed to catch him. Meanwhile, Roscoe tried to tackle me, but I ended up bending down to pick up a penny. This resulted in Roscoe falling onto the train tracks electrocuting himself. Meanwhile, DeSoto put up much more of a fight, and tried his darndest to kill me, but I persevered and managed to throw him onto the tracks as well.
With the two Dobermans dead, my biggest problem now was Sykes. The top part of the car broke into a million tiny bite size pieces while attempting to exit the subway tunnel. This meant that his car was essentially now a convertible. Now outside once again, Sykes stood up and grabbed me with his immense strength. "You're gonna sleep with the fishes!" Sykes remarked as he threw me off the car, but I didn't die however and managed to land right outside a nearby Greggs. Jeepers Mr Sykes you're really strong! Thankfully however, Sykes ended up meeting his comeuppance when he turned around to see the train speeding towards him. Sykes looked at the train with big scared eyes as he cried, "oh!" It was too late for him now, and in that split second moment I saw the light of life die in the man's eyes as elegantly as a candle goes out. The train collided with Sykes' car creating a massive explosion, and whatever remained of Sykes and the car afterwards fell into the deep dark river below. Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Sykes has left the building!
The following day, I arrived at my trailer having spent the night at a B&B, and found Walter Big loading up his suitcases. "Where you headed Walter?" I asked curiously. "I'm heading home. There's nothing left for me in this town anymore. Plus I got a brother back home who I haven't seen in like 10 years." That may sound incredibly humble, but having known Walter long enough I knew that he was really going back home in order to mooch off some of his brother's sweet car insurance. I then proceeded to ask about Salvatore Molinari, and if he would do anything about Sykes and the two Dobermans. "Oh don't worry about that." Walter said before continuing with, "Don Molinari is very understanding. I even gave him 50,000 clams in order to pay off the money you owed Sykes." I then proceeded to accompany Walter to the Lionel Richie International Airport, and watched on as Walter Big boarded his flight. There goes all that I have loved!
Though it took sometime; things slowly started improving for me as well. I managed to win the lottery, and used my now found winnings I built the Bucky McBadbat Stadium. After that it was just an avalanche of development. Using some backwater money whatever that means, I was able to front some donations which helped with repairing the convention centre. I moved out of my trailer, and bought a house in Monopoly Gardens. It wasn't as big as my old mansion mind you, but hey it's a start. So as weird as that bootleg was, I have to give it this. It helped me finally get my life back on track. With Sykes dead and Walter back home in Scotland, I finally had some peace and quiet. These days, I sit in my new house drinking from a protein shake like some kind of Richard Bagg as I look out onto the city I own. The world is finally mine.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:SpongeBob
Category:Loads of Characters
Category:Lost Episodes
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS