Castlevania Theory

If you know anything about video games, odds are you're
familiar with the classic video game series Castlevania, which was first made
popular in the 1980s for its three entrants into the Nintendo Entertainment
System library. These games star the Belmont family in their quest to
accomplish what Van Helsing couldn't do in the classic Dracula novel, and that
is to fuck up Count Dracula forever. That's right: kill the undead. For good.
So that they could never come back.
Yet he always does.
The strange thing is that the Belmonts never fully accomplish
their supposed feat. Dracula keeps coming back, rising up from the grave, or
coffin, and he starts conquering shit all over again. Making him eat
garlic-flavored ritz crackers and plunging a stake into his chest won't ultimately
accomplish anything: it's like he knows he's coming back no matter what, so
gather all that holy water all you want. It just ain't gonna work.
Now, maybe I'm a fool, but I think it's kind of strange for
Dracula to keep coming back when he knows he's going to at least temporarily lose
and suffer a lot of physical pain for the upteenth millionth time. It might
suggest that he's just stupid, but he's had way too much success at commanding
the undead to just be a powdery-white faced nincompoop.
Thus, I have a fool-proof theory as to why he actually goes
through all the trouble.
You see, Dracula
has some... unconventional desires. He's heavily into BDSMa variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, roleplaying, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamicsand he especially loves being dominated.
He thrives for the taste of the Belmonts' whips, and he knows that the only way
to get them to return to his castle and lash at him again and again until he
drops is for him to go through with his various evil deeds. He doesn't actually
wish to rule the living or cause a ruckus in Transylvania per se: he does what
he does because he wishes to lose.
In case you still have any doubt that Dracula likes to be
dominated, consider this: the Count's lustful desires are especially evident in
the universally praised Nintendo classic Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, in
which Dracula had his body parts painfully separated with the intent that Simon
Belmont would collect them piece by piece, touching them all over and shoving
them into his pockets. Not only is that sick and disgusting, but it is heavily
resemblant of the aforementioned sexual fetish.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Why would the Belmont clan
give in to Dracula's fucked up sense of sexuality? Why don't they just see
through Dracula: that he isn't actually trying to enslave humanity or otherwise
turn the world dark forever, but wants to be beaten up badly by a determined
hero or heroine? The answer is because they also like it. They're also into BDSM. The Belmonts are usually-but-not-always-male
equivalents to dominatrices, which is why they're so skilled in the craft of
the whip. They have a lot of experience whipping their partners in bed, so when
it's time to strike down the Count, they know exactly how to do it.
At this point, the only thing left to wonder is why the
developer of Castlevania, Konami, would purposely include such sick and perverse
themes in a children's video game series. For one, keep in mind that this is
nothing particularly new. The Atari 2600 had pornography games specifically
developed for itcheck out Custer's Revenge for a prime example, in case you
don't believe meand in the original Donkey Kong III video game, the main
character, Stanley, has to thrust powder up Donkey Kong's ass in order for him
to succeed in getting a bunch of bees to sting him. Thus, themes of not just
sex and nudity, but BDSM itself have been prominent since the early days of
home console video gaming. Perhaps these developers wanted to reveal their
fetishes to the world because of humiliation being a part of their kink, or
maybe they were hoping to reach out to new people who shared their sexual
fascinations so that they could feel less isolated by the obsessions in their
minds. Keep in mind that the era that these games thrived in was long before
the Internet and World Wide Web became popular, so the developers couldn't just
meet up with new people on bulletin boards or Usenet.
So, yes: in actuality, the Castlevania series is as simple
as punch and pie. The Belmont family and Dracula have a master-slave,
dominant-subordinate relationship. And by buying these games, playing them, and
discussing them, we keep Konami's perverted dreams alive, polluting the minds
of young children when they should be thinking about pogs, cooties, Mickey
Mouse, and baseball.
Now do you see? 
== Original version of this page ==
The Castlevania series stars a family of BDSM dominatrixes and dominatrices who take time machines throughout history to whip the shit out of Dracula to satisfy both their dominance and vampire fetishes. Unfortunately for Dracula, he's not into submission, so he created a really fucking complicated series of puzzles with Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, even ripping out his rib in hopes of confounding the Belmont clan. Because Simon was such a horny bastard, he figured a way past all of it anyway. What a sick douchebag.
The End.
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