Impaleman

The Impaleman is a mysterious figure with a dark gray cloak, and large needles, spikes, drills, etc on his cloak and as limbs. He is twice as tall as an average man.
Recently, witnesses claimed that during 5:00 a.m., on every Tuesday, the Impaleman visits random houses, sticks his arm into the windows for a couple seconds, then disappears. One could assume that he's kidnapping several people, which would explain the disappearances. None of the witnesses called the police for some reason (trust me, the people in this town are dipshits)
The Impaleman is very well known for butchering several innocent people on a mountain in 1990, and also for his 2012 worldwide massacre. The mountain was named Mt. Impaleman (fuckin retards). It is unknown how or why there were that many people on that mountain in the first place.
Spooky occurrences:
During the 1700's, corpses of several men and women were found under the Iron Bridge with the words "IMPALEMAN" carved on one of the victim's left arm.
On August 12, 1921, a woman claimed that her son had completely gone missing, and she saw a dark, spiky, cloaked figure in her dreams.
On February 25, 1957, thousands of people worldwide had gone missing and to this day, nobody knows why. On the same day, an 11 year old boy tried to warn everyone about a "tall, cloaked man" who he believes he had seen that day.
On October 10, 1966, an elderly lady believes that she had seen the Impaleman in her dreams. In one of them, the Impaleman was repeating the word "piss" very angrily while throwing a few curse words at her at the same time. She was unsure of whether she was supposed to laugh, or be frightened.
On December 4, 1982, a 5 year old boy had a sudden seizure during dinner with his family. He died in a hospital, and during his last moments, he was whispering "IMPALEMAN" over and over again- wait, how the fuck is this even a trollpasta?
The aforementioned mountain massacre in 1990 (March 12).
On April 1, 2000, a few Brits were having a party with a friend of theirs in London, along with several other people. Before the party could end, their "friend" suddenly shapeshifted into the Impaleman, who loudly screamed "OH, BOB SAGET!", then proceeded to slaughter everyone. He then said "April Fools, you filthy animal" before leaving the building.
On July 31, 2007, a little girl was found dead with a drawing next to her. It was a crude drawing of the Impaleman.
As stated, on December 21, 2012, the Impaleman committed a tremendous mass murder, with over 100,000,000 kills worldwide. Some theorize that this was to trick people into thinking that December 21, 2012 really is the day the world ends.
On June 3, 2015, a 30 year old man claims that he used to be friends with the Impaleman, and left him because he described the Impaleman as "a drunk dickbag". He also had an uncomfortable feeling that the Impaleman was sexually attracted to him in some way, even though he wasn't.
Today, I'm going to end the Impaleman's evil once and for all. Of course, I'll bring my laptop so I can type what happens because... i'm dumb as fuck lol
I'm at Mt. Impaleman right now. The very top, actually. I'm going to perform a satanic ritual there so I can travel to impaleman's dimension. I'm going to use a bunch of candles, and a pentagram symbol.
time for the ritual. *ahem*
LOO-SHI BAAAH RHAHOAR FFJAJ A RRRRS TIAAAAUA FFO LOO SHII I BAHAHAHAAAAA RAAYA FAFJ FJR AHAABA BAAAAAHHHHH
holy shit a portal is opening!
Okay, I jumped into the portal, now I'm traveling through space and time...
here i am. I'm in impaleman's evil, fuckedup dimension of... doom. Oh look, Slenderman lives here too! hi slendy! oh no, he's raping me in the ass
okay, i ran away from the sick bastard. i still have my laptop intact, and I'm typing everything that happens.
i see a dark castle with an evil looking skull and flames at the top. there are spikes all over it, also. deifnitely the impaleman's castle, so i'm going in
there are corpses everywhere :( (and empty beer bottles for some reason)
Anyway, I made it to his throne room. He's sitting right there, staring at me. he spoke with a very creepy, raspy voice.
Impaleman: ...Y-you! Who are you?! How did you get here?! NO, HUMANS, ALLOWED!!
Me: I'm here to stop you once and for all!
the impaleman's voice then suddenly changed. (This is where the plot twist comes in...!!!)
Impaleman: OH, BOB SAGET!
Me: Wait... I know that voice...
Impaleman: Uh... no you don't.
Me: Yes... you're...
I jumped onto the Impaleman (which was a fucking stupid idea since his cloak has spikes all over it, but luckily I had my force field on so I wasn't killed by the spikes), and after tussling with him a bit, I removed his cloak. It was... it was just as I suspected.
Me: ...TOURETTES GUY!
Tourettes Guy: ... FUUUUUUCK!
Me: It was you the whole time! but wait... if the impaleman existed since the 1700s, how are you still alive? is there more than one impaleman?!
The Impaleman- err, tourettes guy- threw a bunch of swear words at me like he usually does in those youtube videos. god, he won't stop fucking cursing.
Me: ...WELL? CAN YOU TELL ME NOW?
he sweared some more, then finally responded
Tourettes Guy: Yes. I can. Wait, what were you asking again?
Me: If the Impaleman existed since the 1700's, how are you still alive? is there more than one impaleman, or are you immortal?..
Tourettes Guy: I CAN TIME TRAVEL YOU DIPSHIT
Me: oh. so... wanna eat at taco bell?
Tourettes guy: get the fuck out of my dimension
me: you know you want some taco bell
tourettes guy: ... k fine
tourettes guy and i went back to our dimension and we ate some taco bell
and sang some christmas carols even though it's not even december yet
then i killed him because he's evil
but he might have survived...
This is part of the Impaleman series
Next Installment >
Category:SUPR SKAREY IMAG
Category:Satire
Category:Well, that was pointless.
Category:Crappy ms paint drawings
Category:WHAT A TWIST!
Category:TOTALLY NOT UNFINISHED U GUIZE
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Beings
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:Trollpasta