nyuuzyou/wikis huggingface dataset:
Why I don't drive for Uber anymore

My name is Pauli Salvatori. I'm 5 foot 11, Italian as a bowl of spaghetti and cool as a cucumber. I used to drive for Uber to make ends meet. It wasn't my idea. My wife thought it would take my mind off of the fact that every time I got scared I shit the ever-loving Christ out of my pants.
So I'm cruising around the Bronx heading to pick up my latest fare, and I pull up to a blonde bombshell. 36x24x36 if you fellas know what I mean. She comes up to my window and in a breathy voice that only an angel could have says, "are you my ride?"
I fire back with a gruff "yea, get in sweet tits."
As she climbs into the back of my Prius I get the feeling that something was...wrong. I start to get a not so fresh feeling in the breadbasket. Like that feeling only sardines and mozzarella coated in olive oil and served on a bed of ravioli can give you.
But I ignore nature's call and pull off beginning the 35 minute ride to her destination, it wouldn't be right to keep a fine piece of ass like this waiting. After about two minutes of driving in silence, her ringer goes of. It's so loud and unexpected, it startles the hell me, and I dump a fresh loaf all in my trousers.
'Shit,' I think, while I continue producing it quite literally out of my asshole. Maybe she won't notice if I play it cool. So with a James Dean level of swagger I roll down the windows in an attempt to get that smell of hot duke out the window. But no such luck. It just blows into the back. The back, unfortunately for her, where she decided to sit.
The pH of this poop is so low it melts her face off like butter on a hot day in Iraq. As she is melting away in the back seat, skull and viscera exposed, begging to every god in the books to just let her die, I realize something. Uber covers vomit, but they don't cover melted women.
So see kids, that's why I don't drive for Uber anymore. Because my crap is highly acidic and Uber has no policy about when your fare turns into a pile of pink slop. Some may say I should lay off the hot fries but, I mean, would it be worth it?
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Potty Humor
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep
Why I hate Clowns so much

It all started with Nosey MacHonk. Nosey was a fellow classmate in high school, a clown to end all clowns.
Naturally rainbow haired, makeup as white as Maine's population, a nose so bulbous and red it looked like a tumor there was no mistaking what he was. Nosey was also a bully.
See I'm a Furry something so shameful to admit I must pay penance at the local cult with blood sacrifices and as a Furry I was the prime target for Nosey. He'd trip me, leave threatening notes on my locker saying get the stabbies uwu, and scream yiff yiff yiff whenever I'd walk by (he didn't know what it meant).
He took it too far one day though, he tripped me full costumed causing my head to fall off revealing my horrifying true form (several kids ended up getting committed to an Asylum. after witnessing me ). After that I was known as cthulu looking headass. I can't forgive clowns for the crimes of Nosey
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Beings
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Shortpasta
Why I hate going to school

My name is Trisha and I go to school with the killers from horror movies. It's literally like the worst place ever. Every day I honestly think I'm going to die...from all the drama.
Samara from the ring got caught giving a beeger to Chucky and the bride of Chucky found out and now they might be getting a divorce. Not like an amicable divorce. She's like taking the dogs and moving to Montana with this dude Juan and Chucky is legit torn up over the whole situation.
Jason Vorhees got mad because there wasn't a vegetarian option in the cafeteria and the lunch lady was all like well just eat the fish sticks that's like pescatarian and he was like "listen up bitch I'm vegetarian not pescatarian." Now he's in detention because the lunch lady and the principal are hooking up #worstkeptsecretinthewholeschool
Freddy Kruger was going into peoples dreams and giving them wet willies with his knife fingers not thinking about the fact that he is turning their brains into scrambled eggs.
I want to ask pinhead to prom but he texted me all like "do you want to see my pleasure chamber" and I text him back like "def not on the first date" and he's texted back "whatever prude I'm trying to get my pin covered D s'd l8r." And now he won't reply to any of my tasteful nudes.
I HATE GOING TO SCHOOL 😭
xoxo gossip girl
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep
Category:Shortpasta
Why Master Oogway Cannot Have Sex

First of all, he is old and frail. He cannot move much, and is incapable of making a thrusting motion.
Second of all, it is immoral. Master Oogway knows this, for he is very wise. He thinks differently from others, which is why he is so high on the hierarchy. He used his wisdom and patience to train great warriors. His wisdom tells him that having sex at such an old age is immoral, in fact having sex at all is immoral. Even though it may SEEM like you are pleasuring your lady friend, in reality you are giving her the burden of child birth. Master Oogway wanted to avoid this. Which is why he also taught master Shifu and Po of the virgin way. They cannot cum for it would create incentive to have sex. Kung Fu Panda promotes virgin purity, which is why it is such a masterpiece.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Copypasta
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:THERY
Category:Shortpasta
Why McDonald's uses Frozen Meat

It was a nice day... For a worker at McDonald's, until a strange man with a black hoodie and slack jeans came in. When the worker asked the man to pay, he noticed that his wallet had hundreds of dollars. The Worker was forcefully inquisitive, and demanded how he got all of that money. (See, the worker was barely getting by with the money he had)
“Well you see, it’s called a monopoly.” He said with a glint of acrimony in his eyes.
“What is your secret, I won’t tell anyone else it?” He asked
“I guess I can tell you” He leaned closer to the worker, “Francisco Redi conducted an experiment that showed that flies grew from not meat, but they were attracted to it. The secret is, that you let the flies eat the meat, then one it is all gone and you have all the flies in one room you put them in a blender, and then you have great meat.” After that, the man walked out of the building with a smug look on his face.
The man did what the man said, and he put the flies and meat in a separate room. When he came back in there he gathered them into a jar. He winced as he turned on the blender and he could hear their exoskeletons being smashed. He clicked the puree button, and the smashing just got worse. He ran out of the room for a couple minutes forgetting the blender entirely. Until at the end of the shift he realized he had forgotten to turn it off. He ran in and saw the perfect meat still being turned by the blades.
He did this for a while and yes, the customers loved it. That was until someone found the wing of a fly in their burger, and called the health inspector. The health inspector came the next day and was horrified by all of the meat that was crawling with maggots that the people were eating. That location was shut down for good, and they used frozen meat from then on. The one thing is, they never found the man who did it. He could still be working at a different location near you.
Category:Bad Creepypasta
Category:EVIL FOOD
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Shortpasta
Why People Like To Say Potato

Potatoes are simply a good food with a dumb sounding name. I mean, why else would you randomly say something in an attempt to be funny? If potatoes didn't exist, people would use something else. Besides, have you seen how many potato based pastas there are on this site? Jeff the Potato and the like.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:EVIL FOOD
Category:Well, that was pointless.
Category:THERY
Category:Shortpasta
Why So Serious?!

So many fools...so many fools. Its funny, You all act like you know what you are doing...you seem to have a...plan. But the real deal is that you are like me, you don't know what to do..you just do things. Do you think that the girl would still be alive if you 'knew' what you were doing...probably..., There were several ways to save this girl, but neither one of you knew to do so. So do you know what you did? You trusted a freak, a freak like me, a freak which was even as much of a fool as yourself. And the reason for this was because you are weak, why else have us criminals been able to take over...actually lets not say us criminals...I am not like them, all they care about is money, what this town needs is a better class of criminal, in which is possible seeing the weekness of you cops. That's called evolution, everything evolves, the only people who don't see this are the fools of society and when they come face to face with the specimen, they see how foolish they really are...you see I am the specimen and you are the fool. And right now I can see you are disgusted by the evolution. WHat is it? My motives, my attitude? My Scars? Do you wan't to know how I got these scars, I was fired from my job, i lost my house and I was living on the streets. I looked like trash, and one day I had managed to get my self into a homeless shelter, I was collecting my food when the caterer, who was a bitch..I never liked the caterers...they just seem to look at you as weak...which I can't blame them..but anyway as I was collecting my food she had said to me 'Smile, cheer up', That infuriated me as the bitch doesn't have to sleep with her teeth on a curb, I replied with 'Smile, Smile, my life is a serious wreck' she said 'Calm down, calm down, why so serious I just said smile' So what I did is I took her kitchen knife and slit the sides of my mouth into a smile. After that she screamed, and I said 'Why so serious, Why so serious, why so serious!'.
No, no, no shoosh. Stop screaming, it wont help... I said 'STOP SCREAMING'. Now I know I shot your friends, and you are scared, but what is screaming going to do? Help you in a secluded basement? No nobody can hear. And anyway I didn't wan't to shoot your friends, no, a blade would have done a better job. Do you want to know why I use a knife? You see, guns are too quick. You can't savor all of the little...emotions. In their last moments, people show you who they really are, so I guess its time to see who you really are.
Hey, cheer up. It will only hurt a little, I mean...put a smile on that face!
Credit to THE DARK KNIGHT for the Joker
Category:Deletion Log Refugees
Category:Bad Creepypasta
Category:Blatant Ripoffs
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Look at me! I'm SO EDGY!
Why Spongebob Is a Satanic TV Show

Wanna hear some freaky wierd shit? The show Spongebob is by Steven Hellingburg. Woah, take a step back. HELLingburg. Isn't hell a really bad place? Oh, yeah, that's right it is. I'll forever call him Steven Hell. But this is the least bit scary part. Wate till you here this! Have you heard something that some scientist ironiclly said? He said The only thing worst than a nuisance is one with no idea of his true colors." There you go. Spongebob is the worst thing in the world. He is a nuisanciall troll who annoys the living hell out of Squidward and Ms. Puf. The same sientist also said "Hell's daemons are nuisances". Spongebob is a nuisance which means that he comes from hell. My guess is the devil turned him into one that does bad whilst trying to be good, so others feel bad for him and make him forever reign supreme. And just think about it. Patrick is a lazy-ass and Squidward is a tight-ass. Sandy is a bragging show-off. Aren't these all sins? Oh, and have you heard myths that the devil is tiny? Well, that explains Plankton. And Gary is pretty much the only normal non-hellish person in Spongebob.
Category:THERY
Category:Deletion Log Refugees
Category:SpongeBob
Category:Old Shit
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Shortpasta
Why Steve left Blue's Clues

Have you ever wondered why Joe replaced Steve in Blue's Clues. Well, nobody gives the smallest shit, but I do. Although most people think it was because he went to college, they are wrong. I know the real reason why Steve left. Well, here you go.
It all started at the yellow house in West Skidoo where Steve, Blue, and the other felt creatures reside. Then, one day, Blue and Magenta began a little fight over a toy. Steve intervened. His mother was watching over him, frightened. He then came up to him and shouted, "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air!" Steve begged for her not to send him to Bel-Air, but his suitcase was already packed and she sent him on his way. She gave Steve a kiss and his ticket. Steve then put on a walkman he owned and shouted. "I might as well kick it!"
Steve was riding a plane first class drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Steve wondered 'Is this what the People of Bel-air live like? Hmmm... this might be alright.' After landing, he hollered for a taxi. The taxi had fuzzy dice in the mirror and a license plate that said fresh. This cab is most likely rare. But Steve just forgot it and yelled "Yo Holmes, to Bel-Air!"
At around 7 or 8 he arrived at the car and yelled at the cab driver. "Yo Holmes, smell ya later!" He looked at his kingdom and was finally there to sit on the throne as the Prince of Bel-Air.
THEN THE SKELETON WHO WAS PHONE POPPED OUT AND KILLED EVERYBODY. THE END.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:TELAVISHUN
Category:Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air
Category:And then a skeleton popped out
Category:WHO WAS PHONE?
Category:Rocks Fall, Everybody Dies
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Shortpasta
Why The Teletubbies are actually communist superweapons of mass destruction

Hello there everyone, allow me to talk about why the Teletubbies are actually superweapons of mass destruction, also I got all this info off of Reddit and Facebook's anti-vax groups so everything I say is true.
The Teletubbies was a kids show that began production on March 31st 1997, around this time plenty of other kids shows and movies began to come out, most notably Disney's Mulan and a couple of the crappy sequels, you want to know who promoted them? McDonald's, McDonald's was founded in 1948 by the McDonald Brothers and became a fast food giant, effectively taking over the whole world, plenty of the stuff they promoted for kids was based off of kids shows too, at one point that included Teletubbies as far as remember, the Teletubbies pleasure dome features a lot of technology and noisy sound effects and gadgets, another show that had this was Star Trek: The Original Series which aired by in 1966 and involves a crew exploring weird new worlds with technology similar to what the Teletubbies had, thus,
The Teletubbies are Time Traveling Soviets!!!!!
That's right they are actually Time Traveling Soviets sent here by PBS Kids and McDonald's to ensure their world domination and who has huge shares in McDonald's Nowadays? China and it's leader Chairman Mao, so actually The Teletubbies are Soviet communists sent by the Chinese Communist Party wanting to obliterate America by manipulating children into watching a bunch of aliens that are hellbent on looting this world to steal your custard.
HOLY SHIT FUCKING EXPOSED AAAAAAAAAAA
...
I regret writing this
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:THERY
Category:SMOKE WEED ERRYDAY
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep
Category:Shortpasta
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Why They Don't See Me Around Anymore

I sit at the bar, drinking my ass off and all my troubles. My job sucks, i have no wife, and barely any money. I'm getting tired of living life anyways. Might aswell go home, but first I have to take a piss. I stagger to the bathroom, when the door swings open, it's my old friend Tony, God, I hate the bastard, he says "Hey Jauchaelle, how you doing?"
"Shut it you dingdong" I couldn't controll my vocabulary when I was that drunk, I had meant to say bastard.
"Take it easy, man, how about I buy you a drink?"
"Go and get your own drink, I have to use... ummm... THIS!" I pointed to the bathroom door.
"Okay, suit yourself"
I go into the bathroom and throw myself into a stall, trying to get up. I do what i came to do, and finished up soon afterward. Might aswell leave now. I stumble out into the cold, covering myself with every inch of jacket i could find. There are no taxis, but what do you expect when you're at a bar, all of them are used up. I get into my car and start to go to my house. I drift off to the side and swerve once or twice. When I reach my street. I go full speed down the road, carelessly. Thats when I hit the tree.
I woke up in a dark room. There was nothing visable besides the floor, which gave a somewhat radiant glow. I stand up, my body is light, and moves with ease, I walk down the extensive hallway trying to find something, when i stumble across an orb. "Take it" I hear i a sepuchral tone, "Take it and bring it to me" the voice seemed to be coming from down the hallway. I picked the orb up and walk down the hallway even more. There's a room at the end of the hallway, it is dimly lit with 2 torches. A strange skeletal figure apears in front of me. "Ah, it is the orb. But why are you here my dear?"
"I don't know, I replied"
"Ah, I see, you must have died"
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing, nothing, just the fact that this is Hell"
"What?"
"Yep, this is hell, whre you will spend an eternity of pain and suffering..... unless"
"Unless what?"
"Unless you kill a particular someone, then you will be granted eternal purgatory"
"Better than Hell, who?
"PATRIXXX"
"Never heard of him"
"Just take this knife, and this tape, and you will see"
"Okay, I'll do it, if it means eternal purgutory"
I look over to see a VHS player, and pop in the tape, it starts out with the Spongebob Squarepants theme playing, then the theme slowly distorts, and at the end I hear the now-demonic tone of Spongeob playing on his nose. THATS WHEN THE SUPR DEATH PART KICKS IN AND BLOOD STARTS TO SHOW EVERYWHERE, PATRIXX HOPS OUT OF THE SCREEN AND TRIES TO KILL ME WHILST I TRY TO HOLD BACK THE FORCE DISTRIBUTED BY HIM. PATRIXXX SHOVES HIS FIST UP MY ASS AND IT STARTS GUSHING BLOOD EVERYWHERE, I LOVE IT, MY ASS HURTS SO BAD, BUT I LOVE IT. HE SHOVES ME TO THE GROUND AND TAKES MY KNIFE AND THROWS IT INTO MY HEAD. I am in Hell, the flames are high and writing this story takes forever, because the only good internet is for Bing and samsung users.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:EVIL PATRIXXX
Category:Lost Episodes
Category:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
Category:English Class Failure
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Im died
Category:Skeletons
Why Walter White Needs to Cook

Walter White is a main character in the television series Breaking Bad. He is a high school chemistry teacher and former amateur boxer who is diagnosed with cancer. He starts his own business after fleeing from the law and becomes a drug kingpin. Cooking plays an important role in his life; cooking helps him deal with his cancer, provides him with an income and allows him to spend time with his family. However, cooking can be dangerous, can be time-consuming and can be a source of conflict in the house.
Cooking helps Walter White deal with his terminal disease. He loves to cook and often prepares meals for himself and the house's inhabitants. It helps him to feel in control and makes him feel like a capable person. It also allows him to socialize with his family and friends while providing them with healthy food. Cooking allows Walter White to feel important and increases his self-esteem. It helps him cope with his terminal disease and makes life slightly easier for him.
Cooking keeps Walter White busy and helps him avoid negative situations with others. When he's not busy cooking, he's busy hiding from the police or dealing with angry customers. Cooking allows him to avoid these situations and focus on other things. He can also use his time cooking to hide from problems, such as dealing with angry customers or fixing issues at work.
Instead of dealing with these problems, he'll just play basketball, pray or watch TV and ignore it all together. Cooking allows Walter White to avoid negative situations and focus on other things, allowing him to avoid negative interactions with others. Cooking keeps Walter White grounded and in touch with his roots.
He grew up poor and relied on cooking to provide nutritious meals for him and his family. His childhood memories often involve him cooking meals for his family or preparing boxed meals for them. Cooking is a comforting hobby for Walter White because it reminds him of his childhood roots. It also helps him identify with others who are also poor but still manage to provide for themselves and their families.
However, cooking can be dangerous, can be time-consuming, and can be a source of conflict in the house. If someone else in the house cooks, Walter White doesn't have to cook anymore. This leads to constant fighting over who should prepare meals and who should clean up after them. This leads to constant arguments between the two families as they both fight over who should do what in the house.
Despite having disadvantages, cooking can be dangerous, time-consuming and a source of conflict in the house. However, it helps Walter White deal with his terminal disease, ground him and connect with his childhood roots. Therefore, it's important for Walter White to cook when he has cancer so he can remain happy and healthy throughout his life.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Copypasta
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:THERY
Category:Memes
Why We Don't Have Good Things

The reason why we don't have good things these days?
Because of a certain figure, widely known on the internet, reported to have faces depending on the witness.
You don't know who he is? Maybe he can anersw rfo uyo
dmresalnen
I A. ...R D..M
I HAVE CORRUPTED THE MINDS OF HUMANS THESE DAYS, GRINDED THEIR SENSES INTO DUST, STOPPED THEIR HEART, AND BENDED THEIR MUSCLES INTO MY TENDRILS OF DESPAIR.
MY HISTORY EXTENDS BEFORE THE BIG BANG
YOUR PUNY 'VENOM' IS MADE AFTER ME
I AM TALL AND SLENDER
I AM THE DESTROYER OF HUMANS.
I AM THE SLENDERMAN.
Category:Deletion Log Refugees
Category:Bad Creepypasta
Category:Beings
Category:PROOF DAT SLENDURMAN EXUSTS
Category:WHAT A TWIST!
Category:Shortpasta
Category:Old Shit
Why We Eat Potatoes: A Scientific Study

Potatoes have been proven to be very dangerous, killing and kidnapping several. So why do we eat them? I Believe to have found that out.
See, Potatoes have the ability of tasting good when wishing to be eaten. So they appear ripe (what the hell does a potato look like when ripe, anyway?) so they will be eaten. Humans have always seemed to have an ability to tell when something tastes good or not, and most love potatoes. I, for example, love mashed, baked, loaded, and even fried potatoes. I also love french fries and hash browns, which come from potatoes.
However, over consuming potatoes has proven to be dangerous, as there has been a potato addict appearing on farms and stealing the potatoes. He appears to have a white hoodie, and sometimes appears to have a cross-eyed, always smiling face, and has sometimes been reported to yell, "I will make you go to Potato!" So don't eat too many potatoes. Just don't.
Scientific Professor Y. Murderer, signing out.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:THERY
Category:The Title Is A Lie
Category:Shortpasta
Category:EVIL FOOD