Beard

A beard is a sacred facial marking of great power, given to only the blessed few chosen by the gods. It is a powerful object of persuasion, allowing the wielder to bend women and lesser men to his will.
==History==
===Antiquity===
The origins of the beard are varied and many, but all steeped in reverence for its awesome might.
The Greeks held that Prometheus gave man the gift of the beard after plucking the beard of the gods from Zeus's chin in the night. Zeus, in a fit of rage, punished Prometheus by chaining him to a cliff, where eagles would tear out his beard every morning, only for it to fully grow back during the night.
===Modern era===
In the 1930s Walt Disney claimed that he had invented the beard, and wouldn't let anyone else have one, not even his best friend Mickey Mouse. For a while Disney was successful in suppressing unauthorized beards, but then communists, who didn't believe in America, started overthrowing a number of small insignificant countries such as China and Russia, and letting anyone grow a beard, including children. Uncle Walt was most displeased by the communists' behaviour and asked his other best friend, Joseph McCarthy, to shoot anyone wearing a beard without his say-so. 
By the 1980s beards were acceptable again and were sported by the rock group ZZ Top as an ironic gesture designed to screw with the heads of their impressionable middle-aged audience, thus they all had beards except Frank Beard who didn't. The other members, Dave Moustache and Roddy Eyebrows, were also lacking certain types of facial hair. This was considered pretty far-out in the 1980s. ZZ Top's big hit was "Legs", a tribute to their manager Peter Legs, who ironically didn't have any, only casters. Adam Lewis wants to be a pregnant man.
==Ginger beards==
One of the few cultural taboos that sustains itself over history and geography is the cultivation of ginger hair. Up until the twentieth century, this display of such cadmium filamentous biomaterial was not tolerated outside of its owner's abode. In the Second World War, it became necessary to utilise the gingers in the act of combat; thus II "heads of carrot" became more socially acceptable within the bounds of restricted length.
Such is the social acceptance of gingers in the twenty-first century—they now walk among us fully grown. With the beard, however, a greater ram is downward throat.
==How to grow a beard==
Growing a beard requires dedication and lots of extra manly hard work. Moses only accomplished his beast beard after forty years in the desert. Here's how to do it in a series of steps that may eventually become a stairway.
Shave
Shaving is to your beard what tilling the soil is to gardening. Shave a lot. Shave all the time. Shave every day, and twice on Tuesdays, or three times on Saturdays if a member of the Russian Orthodox Church. 
Wait
Once your face is clean shaven nearly every day, you wait, while continuing to shave and pray. One day, a beard will magically be birthed from your face by the beard seeds that have been dropped by birds flying overhead.
==See also==
*Hair
*Big Foot
*Superman
*Puberty
Category:Body Hair
Category:Fashion
Category:Anatomy
Category:Pages repeatedly nominated on VFD
ar:لحية
fr:Barbe
he:זקן
nl:Baard
no:Skjegg
ru:Борода