The Best Exotic Nanite Hotel (episode)

The Lower Deckers hunt nanites on a resort... in space?!
==Summary==
===Teaser===
:Captain's Log, stardate 59393.7. Today, the Cerritos is docked at the Cosmic Duchess, an interstellar cruise ship the size of a moon. With a multitude of climate zones, theme parks and casinos, there's something for everyone. However, we are not here to relax; a nanite cluster has infested the resort, consuming metal to self-replicate. Starfleet has ordered us to humanely capture and study the microscopic robots.
In the halls of the Cerritos, Lieutenant jg D'Vana Tendi expresses excitement at the prospect of "doing pest control", which Beckett Mariner finds amusing. Sam Rutherford expresses happiness over Tendi's return, to which T'Lyn concurs, though she notes she's a little louder than usual. Brad Boimler is impressed with what the Dutchess has to offer, excited over a set of Dixon Hill Slot machines. Mariner is equally excited about other amenities. However, Boimler's plans are scuttled when Commander Jack Ransom approaches the five, needing Boimler for another mission. Mariner's grossed out by Ransom's winking and grinning before playfully teasing Boimler as he leaves. Entering the transporter room, Mariner expresses relief to have a mission with no drama before a voice cuts her off – her ex-flame, Ensign Jennifer Sh'reyan, who kisses her cheek and tells her that she wasn't going to leave behind her girlfriend, much to Mariner's shock and confusion.
===Act One===
On the Cerritos, Boimler enters the shuttle bay to find Ransom loading up a civilian shuttlecraft. Ransom explains that they were going on an undercover mission with Lieutenant Commander Andy Billups. For the mission, they're a trio of "vacation bros" – Ransom is "Zack Ransom", while Billups is "Gilbert Manhandle", but Ransom groans and tells him to take "Zandy Billups". At that point, Jet Manhaver is carted by on an anti-grav lift, Boimler shocked at his state. It turns out he was on a mission with Ransom, and he lost both his hands to Piranha bats. He says that "Dr. T's gonna grow [him] a new pair," but complains about Ransom being a bad mission leader believing he makes the lower-ranked crewmen do the dirty work. Boimler heads back to Ransom, it's revealed that Admiral Milius has gone AWOL, having gotten a bit of "vacation madness" with Andy revealing he told Starfleet Command to "shove a coconut up your butt". When Boimler asks why he's needed, Ransom assures him that he's exactly who he needs to Boimler's growing dread, as Ransom and Billups argue about Andy's cover name.
At one of the hotels, T'Lyn expresses confusion about Mariner having a girlfriend, but Mariner explains that they broke up a long time ago. Tendi expresses uncertainty, which Mariner claims Jennifer dumped her before Jennifer calls her over, making T'Lyn think she doesn't seem to think that way. Rutherford notices ionic residue on a lamp, making him realize that "Glumpus" - his name for the nanite cluster - was here. Both Jennifer and T'Lyn note that Glumpus consumes electric material for self-replication. Jennifer decides they can use an energy cell to lure it into a trap. Mariner panics as Jennifer kisses her cheek again before she runs off. T'Lyn thinks she might have a brain parasite, but Tendi's already cleared her. Rutherford asks what happened after she returned to the Cerritos and Mariner explains that she walked right past her. Tendi asks if she actually said they needed to break up, Mariner explaining that she did through silence before realizing they never really broke up. Realizing that she messed up, she grumpily decides to go and do just that. She approaches Jennifer, who is setting up a box trap for the Glumpus, claiming that it'll help with her transfer. Mariner is caught off-guard at that; it turns out Jennifer is leaving for the after this mission. Mariner awkwardly congratulates her on her new post and suggests trying to make this last day the best. When Tendi asks how it went, Mariner brushes it off, saying it worked itself out, though she and the others are not convinced.
Elsewhere, Boimler is slathering himself in suntan lotion, but Ransom tells him there's no need - the artifical sun knowns when you're sufficiently tanned. Boimler awkwardly laughs, mentioning how he's always playing it safe. Billups revealed that Milius charged a hundred Salurian Coladas to his tab at the bar they were visiting, prompting Ransom to suggest splitting up to ask people what they might have seen. He suggests to Boimler to talk to a couple of vacationing Gallamites, but Boimler suggests a couple of Kreetassans, which Ransom is surprised at but approves. However, Boimler accidentally insults the group by eating and drinking in front of them, leading to Ransom to come to his rescue. They end up discovering that Milius spends his time at a dangerous mountain skiing, a prospect Boimler's not too keen on.
Back at the hotel, Jennifer has set up the trap using an energy cell for bait, but Rutherford isn't too keen on such an idea as they don't know how the Glumpus processes energy. Mariner tells him to let her do this and they go to hide. T'Lyn ends up discovering a poster revealing Krog, her favorite musician and a master of the Vibe tubes, is performing there. The Glumpus shows up but doesn't take the bait. Mariner suggests phasering the energy cell, which Rutherford is not to keen on. However, the thought of Jennifer cuddling with her while waiting prompts Marier to use her phaser to charge it, which draws the Glumpus back to it and gets it captured. Mariner's ready to get the Glumpus and get back to the Cerritos, but Jennifer is suspicious of Mariner wanting to go back so fast. However, the Glumpus escapes by tearing the box apart, having grown in size, prompting the five to chase after it.
===Act Two===
At the top of the mountain, Boimler, Ransom and Billups spot their target, a Denobulan woman. Needing to use her to get close to Milius, Ransom hands Boimler a pair of skis and asks him to go after her. Boimler agrees, calling himself a canary, which confuses Ransom and Billups, but Billups chalks it up to it being difficult to make an analogy of an animal that skis. However, Boimler realizes too late she's changing routes from an easy slope to going down an extremely dangerous slope for expert skiers, causing him to flail and scream in panic, grabbing onto another skier by the back, not realizing it was his genitals. In anger, the skier grabs Boimler and throws him off, launching him off the cliff and into a snow drift. The woman is impressed that Boimler survived, but when he explains it's because of his time in Starfleet, it alerts her to what's going on and she contacts Milius, upsetting Ransom and Billups; they have his location due to tracking the woman's transmission, but he knows they're coming. Ransom tells Boimler off for his failure, causing him to slump in defeat.
Elsewhere, Mariner and her friends continue their chase of the Glumpus, leading to an ampitheater. Mariner suggests they split up, but Jennifer suggests she and Mariner stick together, much to their annoyance. Mariner doesn't seem to understand why Jennifer is acting the way she is. Tendi suggests that maybe she's just trying to make it work much like Mariner's parents, which Mariner frustratingly agrees with, and she goes to catch up with her.
On a lazy river, Boimler, Ransom and Billups float their way to where Milius is hiding. Noting an odd and dangerous cave, Ransom boots Boimler's float over there, causing the two to start arguing and Billups trying to silence them. Darts shoot out, popping their floats, as spear-toting inhabitants approach them.
At the amphitheater, Rutherford and Tendi try to figure out how to capture the Glumpus, but T'Lyn is distracted by the presence of Krog's vibe tubes, Tendi suggesting they all go see his performance if his instrument doesn't get eaten. As the Glumpus sneaks over to the control panel for the ampitheater, Mariner and Jennifer start having a passive-aggressive argument before Jennifer notices the Glumps growing larger and larger into the shape of an icosahedron. The Glumpus goes on a rolling rampage, swallowing Tendi, Rutherford, and T'Lyn.
===Act Three===
At AWOL Falls, a server congratulates Boimler, Ransom and Billups on being hostages. As the server goes to get Boimler a spritz, he's taken up to see Milius. Milius welcomes him in, stating that he's been watching him - as a Latinum Elite Guest, front desk calls him to let him know when Starfleet is coming to try and catch him. He gloats he can't be captured, but Boimler suggests otherwise, which angers Milius. He explains that he thinks the two of them are cut from the same cloth: thrown to the wolves by their superiors. Boimler thinks he's been sent to dangerous missions, but Milius clarifies he's been sent on boring missions. He's wanted to explore the cosmos and study new life, but milking space whales. Boimler is excited and asks if he was referring to the Gormagander or one of "those things", at which point Milius explodes, stating he milked them all; that he dedicated his life to Starfleet only to become "an interstellar dairy farmer". He points out that, like him, Boimler is tossed out into danger despite his desire for safety and tempts him into going AWOL with him.
At the resort, Mariner and Jennifer chase after the Glumpus, ineffectually using a magnet net to capture it and instead capturing Krog. However, they run out of room and their cart launches them into a palm tree. Mariner admits that this was all her fault, that she wanted to hasten things to get the day over with. She ultimately tells Jennifer that they've been broken up for over a year, which Jennifer admits she knows - she was messing around with her because she never officially broke up. Mariner thought it was pretty straightforward, but Jennifer tells her it was all on Mariner's terms and that she never got the chance to apologize. Mariner points out that she was being shipped to Starbase 80 and was expecting her to have her back and stand with her, which she didn't. Jennifer admits she was dating her because she acted so bad, not thinking she could have been innocent. Realizing they were terrible for each other, Mariner officially breaks up with Jennifer, which Jennifer accepts. Getting down the tree, Rutherford contacts them, letting them know that he's safe and that he's discovered the source of the signal, and they just need a way to disrupt it. Jennifer has an idea but needs Mariner to trust her once more, which she does.
At AWOL Falls, Boimler is enjoying going AWOL, but Ransom and Billups reveal why they needed him - he's dependable, reliable and wiry. Ransom admits he wanted to see him at his bravest, but he realizes how he did it was cruel. Milius approaches Boimler, telling him they're lying. Lathering himself up in sunscreen, Boimler makes his decision and squirts the admiral in the face with some. His slippery body allows him to escape capture and he's able to squirt some into Ransom and Billups' bonds, freeing them, only for them to confronted by the various guards.
At the resort, Mariner and Jennifer set up another phasered energy cell and, when the Glumpus comes to get it, the girls jump in, carrying an item. Approaching T'Lyn, Jennifer reveals the item - Krog's vibe tubes. T'Lyn expertly uses the instrument to disrupt the Glumpus' signal, causing it to explode.
At AWOL Falls, Milius commands his guards to kill the trio and die for him as Happy Hour is approaching and he must escape, but they aren't too thrilled at that thought and end up dispersing. Without them, he's easily captured.
Back at the resort, T'Lyn returns the vibe tubes to Krog, apologizing for using them and that it was presumptuous of her to do so. He declares that it was illogical as she saved his life. Surprised that he learns logic, he explains that he's taken up various Vulcan meditation techniques in search of greater "inner chill" and is a fan of their work, which T'Lyn reveals she is a fan of his work, and they exchange the Vulcan salute. Mariner and Jennifer both realize they were not a good couple at all, but they work well as a team, accepting each other's apologies once more. To Rutherford's surprise, his implant discovers there's something inside the remains of the Glumpus: a miniaturized . From Mariner's PADD, a transmission comes up: it is Captain Tersal of the . The ship had been pulled through a quantum fissure and been stuck there for "a month of Hell".
:Captain's Log, supplemental. A routine nanite relocation has unexpectedly become a rescue mission. A Federation starship from a dimension of a much smaller scale was stranded in ours. Their attempts at gathering power and materials to create their own dimensional gate appeared to us as a destructive swarm.
Inside the Cerritos, Tersal thanks Captain Carol Freeman for giving her ship and crew safe harbor, but Freeman wishes they could get her back home, reminded of their own incident in a quantum reality. Tersal seems resigned to her fate as amoeba-sized Starfleet officers, but Freeman reveals that Boimler's pulled some strings for help. The help in question is Admiral Milius, who is cancelling all previous missions so he can devote his energies to help getting her home. Tersal's surprised - she has a Milius in her dimension, but he milks space whales, too.
At the Cerritos bar, Tendi gives T'Lyn a gift: an autographed picture of Krog. T'Lyn is confused and seems to hold no interest in it, but refuses to give it back, suggesting she can keep it if she ever wants to study handwriting. Jennifer approaches Mariner to say their goodbyes, leaving on friendly terms, though Jennifer is happy this is the first ex to not become a mortal enemy of hers. Boimler's proud of Mariner's work on fixing her relationship with Jennifer while Mariner is proud of Boimler's work convincing Milius in helping the Endeavor. Ransom approaches the two, equally proud of Boimler. Ransom then asks if anyone's seen Jet, who fearfully overhears him nearby, his hands restored. Ransom wants him to join in in wrangling crystalline spiders. Despite trying to hide, Ransom spots him, Boimler telling him to run. As Ransom gives chase, Jet cries out that he just got back his hands.
==Log entries==
*Captain's log, USS Cerritos, 2382
==Memorable Quotes==
"Assumptions are anathema to communication."
"You're anathema."
:- T'Lyn and Mariner
:
"I managed to show a full-blown admiral how rewarding Starfleet can be. How cool is that?"
"Great work, Lieutenant. I told you, always good to have a wiry guy."
"Thank you, sir."
:- Boimler and Ransom
==Background information==
===Title===
*The episode's title is derived from that of the 2011 British comedy-drama film .
*The title was reported on by . 
===Continuity===
*Though the stardates mentioned in this episode and in already suggest the season took place in 2382, this episode officially establishes that fact, as Jennifer says that the events of and happened "a year ago".
*This episode marks the first appearance of the Gallamites, a species first mentioned in the episode .
===Trivia===
*Glumpus, and its ability to absorb anything it rolls over, is similar to the Japanese video game series Katamari, in which the player controls a ball of debris that gets larger as it picks up objects and people while rolling around a city.
==Links and references==
===Starring===
*Tawny Newsome as Beckett Mariner
*Jack Quaid as Brad Boimler
*Noël Wells as D'Vana Tendi
*Eugene Cordero as Sam Rutherford
*Dawnn Lewis as
**Carol Freeman
**Kreetassan female
*Jerry O'Connell as Jack Ransom
*Fred Tatasciore as
**Alien male acolyte
**Alien skier
**Kreetassan male 1
*Gillian Vigman as
**Tersal
**Human female acolyte
===Guest cast===
*Marcus Henderson as
**Krog
**Jet Manhaver
*Toby Huss as Milius
*Lauren Lapkus as
**Jennifer Sh'reyan
**Alien server
*Gabrielle Ruiz as T'Lyn
*Paul Scheer as Andy Billups
;Characters with unidentified voices
*Denobulan acolyte
===Background characters===
;USS Cerritos
*Alien bar staff
*Alien ops ens 1
*Benzite cmd ens
*Human cmd lt cmdr 1
*Human cmd lt jg 2
*Human lt jg
*Human ops ens 1
*Human ops lt 1
*Human ops lt 4
*Human ops lt jg 1
*Human ops ofc 6
*Human sci ens 1
*Human sci ens 2
*Human sci ens 3
*Human sci ens 5
*Human sci lt 8
*Human sci lt jg 3
*Vulcan cmd ens 1
;Cosmic Duchess
*Alien Cosmic Duchess staff and visitors
*Alien female acolyte 1
*Alien female acolyte 2
*Alien visitor 1
*Alien visitor 2
*Andorian acolytes 1 and 2
*Bajoran acolyte
*Bolian acolyte
*Dulainian visitor
*Galardonian acolyte
*Gallamite visitors
*Gorn acolyte
*Human acolytes
*Human skiers
*Human visitors
*Kreetassan male 2
*Lapeerian visitor
*Merp's species visitor
*Orion visitors
===References===
2381; acolyte; addict; addiction; admiral; adoptee; alcohol; alien male acolyte's wife; amoeba; amphitheatre; Andorian; anathema; animal; anti-grav lift; application; assessment; assumptions; autograph; away missions; away team; AWOL; AWOL Falls; "babe"; back; Bajoran; balcony; ball (beach ball); bar; bar staff uniform; beach; beach umbrella; bed; Benzite; ; Billups tubes; black; bloodwine; body suits; Bolian; bones; Borg; brain juices; brain parasite; "bro" (aka "brah"); buffet; Buffet & Pool; butt; ; canary in a coal mine; candle (Impulian candle); captain; captain's log; ; casinos; cave; ; civilian; cliff; climate zones; climbing; coconut; commander; communication (concept); communication (transmission; aka comm); communicator (combadge); ; concert hall; control signal; conversation; Cosmic Duchess (aka ); Cosmic Duchess planet; Cosmic Duchess planet's star; ; couple; Cowards Gulch; crooner; cruise ship; crystalline spiders; crystals; cuddling; culture; "cut from the same cloth"; cybernetic implant; dairy farmer; danger; dart; day; ; Denobulan; Diamond Lounge; dilettante; dimension; dimensional gate; Dixon Hill; doctor; "Dr. T" (T'Ana); drinking; dry park; ducts; Dulainian; duty shifts; eating; electromagnetic pulse; ; energy; ensign; enthusiasm; ex; Experts Demise; flagon; flying; focus; fortitude; frail scale; ; friends; front desk; ; Galardonian; Gallamite; gambling; garbage; genitals; girlfriend; Glumpus (aka The Glumpus); Gorn; gravity; hands; happy hour; hijab; hostages; hour; hover-van; "Human shield"; ice cream; ice cream truck; icosahedron; idea; image (photograph); inner tube; ; ionic residue; Jariner; Karzill IV inhabitant; s; Kings Canyon; kissing; Kreetassan; Krog on the Rocks; Krog's backup instruments; Krog's species; Lab 4005; lamp; Lapeerian; Latinum Elite Guest; lava planet; lazy river; lieutenant; lieutenant commander; lieutenant junior grade; life; logic; luggage; lying; magma; man; manacles; ; (aka "The Toba"); Manitoba Andorian personnel; master; master systems display (California-class; Intrepid-class); mating; Merp's species; Milius; Milius' ships; milking; minutes; mission (spy mission); mister; Mondays; monsters; month; Month of Hell; moon; mortal enemies; mountain (aka hill); musical instrument; musician; name; nanite; nanite cluster (aka "robot clump"); net (magnetic net); net gun; nose; officer; orchestra; Orion; oxygen; PADD; pain; palm tree; parallel universe fissure; parents (mom); percent; pervert; pest control; phaser (type 2 phaser); phenomena; piranha bats; pool cue; popsicle; power cell (aka energy cell); promotion; "pull some strings"; quarters; quest (side quest); ; recycling; refreshment; relationships; ; Risa Bar snack, The; robots; rock; "Ruthy"; Salurian Coladas; sandals; sarcasm; scanning; scissors; showering; shuttle (unnamed); silence; ski lift; ski suit; skiing; slot machines; smirk; space; space whales (Galaxy's Child things; gormagander); spas; spear; speed; spritz; spy; Starbase 80; stardate; Starfleet; Starfleet Command; Starfleet spray-washing pack; Starfleet tricorder; Starfleet uniform (alternate); Starfleet uniform (early 2380s); string bean; sun; sunscreen; suntan; swarm; swimming pool; tab; target; team; Temple of Dread; theme parks; thing; "thrown to the wolves"; tiki hut bar; torture; transfer; trap; Type 6A shuttlecraft (unnamed); undercover mission (aka undercover ops); vacation; vacation madness; vacationer; vibe; vibe tubes; VISOR; voices; Vulcan; Vulcan meditative practices; Vulcan salute; walking; water park; wife; win; winking; work; year; Yosemite II; ziggurat
====The Risa Bar decor references====
handgun; hula girl; model (ship in a bottle); pirate hat; sailing ship; shield; skull; skull and crossbones; tiki; tiki mask
====Meta references====
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