Big Bill Hell's Cars

Big Bill Hell's Cars is the meanest car dealer in the town of Baltimore, founded by the meanest sons a' bitches in the state of Maryland. Yeah, that's right, we sell cars! And not just any kind of cars, we mean...
= Cars that break down! =
Big Bill Hell's offers the most diverse selection of shitty cars you wouldn't want to drive in your entire lifetime! These cars are usually bought from various crackheads around America such as your wife, your mom, and even from Toyota! They are all bought in extremely shitty conditions, and possess plenty of deformities such as a missing bumper, a whore's dead body stashed in the trunk or a malfunctioning gas pedal! We guarantee that the second you start the engine and drive it an inch, your car will immediately blow itself up to smithereens, possibly spawning a nuclear explosion and killing you and others in the vicinity of a mile! But don't worry, you wuss, it's not like you can even start the car in the first place.
Not to mention, we also have...
= Good THE FUCKING BEST deals! =
That's right, motherfucker! We've got the best deals for cars in the world! Who wouldn't fall for a deal of five thousand American dollars for a shitty car that breaks down the moment you touch it? A stupid motherfucker? Oh wait, that's YOU. So hurry up and buy our shit, asshole!
=== I'm sure I can find a better deal someplace else... ===
Then you can kiss my ass! If you do find a better deal (which is very unlikely), you can shove it up your ugly ass! You heard me right! Shove it up your ugly ass! Hell yeah! Such a deal you found only has its place inside the anus of the biggest loser in the world. Oh wait, that's YOU.
=== I need to bring a lawyer or something when I go to your store... ===
Who cares? Bring anything! Bring your sister! Bring your mom! Bring your wife! We'll fuck them! That's right! We'll fuck them all six ways from Sunday. Not without our omnipotent beer goggles, blood alcohol levels of over 50 percent, and a ton of crack, for they're so fat and ugly as the guy who brought them inside in the first place! Oh wait, that's YOU.
= Not satisfied? =
Then take a hike, asshole! We're the only car dealer that tells you to fuck off! Or, you could try...
=== CHALLENGE PISSING! ===
That's right, Challenge pissing! Don't know how it works? If you can piss into the air straight up, or in your wife's face, and not get wet, you get no downpayment on any car you buy from us as a bonus! Not that you have a dick so you can shoot piss up the air. But it wouldn't hurt to try either. So what are you waiting for? Buy and hurry up, asshole!
=== I'm not sure. What are the methods of payment? ===
Big Bill Hell's accepts many different modes of payment, such as American currency, conflict diamonds, your daughter, or a stack of whores! You can also write us a check if you would prefer. But it better not bounce like your fatty man-tits or you're a dead motherfucker! Also, we'll rip your nuts off! Oh wait, you don't have any.
=== I'm calling the cops. ===
Go to HELL!
==Wait! There's more! (AKA, the ad)==
FUCK YOU BALTIMORE!
IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO BUY A NEW CAR THIS WEEKEND, YOU'RE A BIG ENOUGH SCHMUCK TO COME TO BIG BILL HELL'S CARS!
BAD DEALS, CARS THAT BREAK DOWN, THIEVES!
IF YOU THINK YOUR GOING TO FIND A BARGAIN AT BIG BILL'S, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!
IT'S OUR BELIEF THAT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER THAT YOU'LL FALL FOR THIS BULLSHIT GUARANTEED!
IF YOU FIND A BETTER DEAL: SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS! YOU HEARD US RIGHT: SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
BRING YOUR TRADE, BRING YOUR TITLE, BRING YOUR WIFE, WE'LL FUCK HER! THAT'S RIGHT WE'LL FUCK YOUR WIFE!
BECAUSE AT BIG BILL HELL'S, YOU'RE FUCKED SIX WAYS FROM SUNDAY!
TAKE A HIKE TO BIG BILL HELL'S!
HOME OF CHALLENGE PISSING, THAT'S RIGHT, CHALLENGE PISSING. HOW DOES IT WORK?
IF YOU CAN PISS 6 FEET IN THE AIR STRAIGHT UP AND NOT GET WET, YOU GET NO DOWN PAYMENT.
DON'T WAIT, DON'T DELAY, DON'T FUCK WITH US OR WE'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!
ONLY AT BIG BILL'S HELL, THE ONLY DEALER THAT TELLS YOU TO FUCK OFF.
HURRY UP, ASSHOLE!
THIS EVENT ENDS THE MINUTE YOU WRITE US A CHECK AND IT BETTER NOT BOUNCE OR YOU'RE A DEAD MOTHERFUCKER.
GO TO HELL.
BIG BILL HELL'S CARS
BALTIMORE'S FILTHIEST AND EXCLUSIVE HOME OF THE MEANEST SONS OF BITCHES IN THE STATE OF MARYLAND, GUARANTEED!!
= See also =
*Asshole
*Cars
*Dealership
*American
= External links =
*Big Bill Hell's Cars as seen on TV!
*Don't forget to visit our West Coast affiliate!
Category:Companies of the United States
Category:Pages that look like the things they're about
Category:Bat Fuck Insane