Jose Siri

Jose Alexander the Great Siri is a Dominican center shitter that comes equipped on all IOS devices. Siri, born in Gotham City, is responsible for the death of Bruce Wayne's parents. He has gone on to play for the Houston Samuels and Tampa Bay Wanders.
==You get what you F***ing deserve!==
====Detective Comics====
Siri was drafted by the Gotham City Clowns in 2011 and immediately reported to the Lair of Doom. His first year as a ballshitter ended in with a 76% getaway rate and +340 net profit. While a great start to being a minor, Jose had his eyes set on the grand prize, an invitation to Talk Tuah. He locked in the following season improving to a 99% getaway rate and a gang partnership with Mr Freeze. The only time they got caught was when Freese yelled out Siri in the bank, and his iphone 7s went off.Still far from the glorious prize, Siri kept on building his criminal empire. His 3rd year of balling saw him break the record for most consecutive bank robberies after teaming up with Bane. Unfortunately, the streak ended when the 2 OD'd on Bane's juices mid theft. At this point, Siri's dad was confused as to why his son cared so much about this podcast. In order to show him, Siri had to hawk tuah and spit on that thang.
Another season of Gotham crime led Siri to become the top dawg in the city. He had taken over 13 towers, although 2 fell, and he had a MLB record 46 confidants. Jose began falling into a world of despair for numerous reasons though. Poison Ivy gave him the most mid head of all time, and Siri couldn't answer the Riddler's most recent question "What has 3 legs and can be found at the childrens park?" He still had not received an invitation to the greatest philosophical discussion of the 21st century. Siri knew he needed to do something big.
====Bot Thoughts====
In 2099, Siri became the first villain in history to subdue Batman. Well, it eventually turned out to be a 16 year old boy with mental issues claiming to be Batman, but Siri finally pulled off the deed that caught the attention of Talk Tuah. After receiving his invitation, Siri reportedly had to end his polyamorous relationship with Harley Quinn and Ben.
Upon arrival at the studio, Jose's mouth was already beginning to water. Siri sat down and was greeted by Hawk Tuah, who was shockingly not spitting on that thang. Jose patiently waited through the whole podcast for it. He endured the segment about hawks and the segment about tuah. After a rough 40 seconds, Siri couldn't take it anymore and shouted "Where is my unbelievable head!?" Hawk Tuah called out Siri for being sus, but she accidently set off her iphone 24 ultra pro max supreme and called the police. Siri, remembering he has committed dozens of violent crimes, panicked and blew Hawk Tuah's brains out before escaping Gotham City as fast as he could. The real Batman quickly learned about Siri's departure, and listened to 10 hours of sad music realizing they didn't go from enemies to lovers...
==Only Apple Kidz==
====Passed Around====
At the start of the 2020 season, Siri found his way to the Seattle Marines and signed a 1 minute contract. During his minute, Siri tried adapting to the new iPods the Marines used, but it overloaded his system and he busted on the spot. 3 months later, Siri signed with the San Francisco Giant homos. He lasted 30 seconds as he was told he couldn't have any snowbunnies, as they didn't condone heterosexuality there. Jose would spend the rest of the season listening to Tame Impala songs instead of playing baseball, eventually blowing his ears open after 70 straight plays of The Less I Know the Better.
As a christmas present, the Houston Asstros signed Siri to a minor league deal and outrighted him to the Sugar Land Shitters. Siri quickly learned the "sugar" in Sugarland was tons of crack, so he played all his games tripping ballz. Siri led all shitters with his 16 home runs off racist pitchers. The most racist pitcher being Josh Hater, where Siri proceeded to breakdance after homering. It's also worth mentioning his 72 blowjobs recieved and his 27 stolen business cards, neither of which are a minor league record.
====Big Dawg====
On September 13, Jose made his first ever MLB start for the Astros. This came 2 days after Siri was spotted in New York City. In his debut versus the Texas RACISTS, you already know Siri popped the fuck off. He went 14/5 including 2 TOWERing home runs and 5 runs sucked in. After homering off longtime Racist Dane Dipshit, Siri held a whole ass concert before rounding the bases. He ended his legacy game by giving Jose Altuve a CRAZY gift (unbelievable head).
Siri was forced into the playoffs in 2021, despite wanting to spend his Halloween at UCSB. He wasn't aware that the Asstros had a plan cooking. After cleaning the Black sox, turning them into the White sox, and touching the Red Sex NON consensually, Houston reached the World Series. After going 1-3 (fuck u) against the Atlanta Cowards, the Asstros put Siri in the game. As the announcer said his name on the speakers, everybody's phones went off simultaneously and caused a power outage at Coward stadium. This allowed the Astros to go WILD in the dark before their eventual massacre.At the start of the 2022 season, Siri launched a piss missile off Mad Bumass of the Arizona Dickbags. Being an old grumpy man, Bumass complained about how Siri brought in a whole festival after homering. After 4 months of spitting on that thang, Siri got fucked when one of the snowbunnies turned out to be 17. The asstros were depressed, and had to ship Siri out to be with the only other pedophile in the league in Tampa Bay.
==Ray Rays==
While some may say Lebron James and Shaqualle O Nalleh were the greatest duo in sports history, the honor clearly belongs to Wander Franco and Jose Siri of the Tampa Ray Gays. With Siri's battle tactics and Wanders devotion, the 2 had their way with anyone who came, across their paths. The 2 were able to bring Gay games into the postseason for 2022, where they would face off against the Cleveland Neels. The Ray rays only managed to score 1 run due to the foul stench, but the 1 run came, off the bat of Siri. Jose Siri launched a moonshot home run off Shane Savgur, and proceeded to set up a whole firework show. Sadly, this is how Neel found out his dad was racist.
====I just lost my daaawwwg====
The Rays tied an MLB record 13 straight jerks to begin 2023, raising eyebrows as to if they were truly all time jerkers. Wander and Siri both put up career seasons, as Siri hit 25 racially motivated home runs and uttered 56 antislurs. Although he wasn't an all sex like Wander, Siri still wanted loads of sex. He was personally invited to Snowbunny University, hosted by the Blonde Barista. Siri arrived at the university panting like a dawg, and failed to recognize the robotic movements and repeating voice lines of the students. Siri went to the main hall, ready for him to get blown to smitherines. Suddenly, the doors shut and it was revealed he was actually at the University of Phoenix. Android-powered snails emerged, trying to turn him into Jose Alexa. Siri thought he was cooked, until Catwoman rescued him. She used her whip on all the burnt people, and then used it to wipe the snails. Siri owed Catwoman after being rescued so he let her give him an unbelievable handy. A painful kind of unbelievable; she has claws.
Siri left the university and headed back to Tampa Ray, but he saw in the sky the Batman logo, along with a middle finger. Siri rushed to the stadium to see what had happened, only to find Wander Franco's stained uniform on the ground. Siri collapsed to the ground and screamed for his captured friend. Due to his depression, he couldn't hit home runs off the Texas Racists in the playoffs and they went on to bully minorities.
==== 5 Stages ====
Siri passed the 1st stage of grief, denial, after denying all allegations accused in the Siri v Hawk Tuah case. However, he began feeling anger in the 2024 season as he got in a brawl with Milwaukee Drunks pitcher Abner Urine. No context was given for this brawl, Siri just wanted to fuck somebody up. He was sentenced to 3 days on fire. Siri eventually locked in a month later against the Vegas A's. After hitting a home run off Calvin Harris, Siri kept a mild celebration by screaming at babys. His big celebration came in the 9th inning against A's elite closer Mason Killer. Before the At Bat, the A's woman announcer REALLY SAID "Hey Siri, it's not your night!" Although she thought she slayed, it was actually so unbelievably cringe it made everyone vomit. Siri proceeded to hit his 2nd home run off Mason Killer, and broadcasted his celebration globally as he hosted the New Years event in May.
After bargaining that he could at least still pimp kidz, Siri quickly fell into depression as the Rays became ass and started trading away all their star players. Rays general manager, Larry the Lobster, was quoted saying "How are we supposed to compete without our star pedo?" Siri watched many teammates get traded. Some mf'er named Randy went to Seattle, while Isaac was sent to the dick hangers, and homophobic pitcher Jason Adam went to the Padres per request of Chrid. Siri ended up surviving the massacre, soley for the fact he pulled in thousands of horny white chicks each game.
Siri eventually reached acceptance, realizing though he could no longer go on elementrary school 2 mans, he could still get a Hawk Tuah every now and then. Jose often visited his friend in prison, bringing him folders of cp made with care. Every now and then, Siri would sneak some supervillain equipment in for Wander. The world won't be ready for Super Franco...
Category:Baseball players