Bill (son of God)

Before God created the earth, he had an extra-marital affair with a fairly promiscuous angel. The result was an illegitimate demi-god, which God decided to name Bill, a name He deemed "so generic no one would remember it". Bill is best known for having created the platypus, snow, the brightness of the sun, and body odor. Bill may have a mild case of autism.
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==Bill and Creation==
After God was done creating the world, He decided to take a break, and go play some checkers with Himself. In all His infinite wisdom, God left Bill in charge, telling him to "not make a mess". Bill, being an art student and capable of only creating bullshit, set to work.
God, much to His own dismay, accidentally wound up in a paradox while playing checkers. Because He was infinitely good at Checkers, He could not beat himself, and thus was stuck. After a few million years of infinite patience, He escaped the paradox by creating Quantum Physics and returned to the Earth, where He found Bill playing shuffleboard with the sub-continent of India. God asked Bill what he had been up to in His absence.
Bill reached deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of snow. God looked at this white lump of wet and cold and asked, "What is this nonsense?"
"It's called snow, Dad, and it falls from the sky!" Bill responded innocently.
"Who the Hell would want that?" God asked, simultaneously (and accidentally) creating Hell. "Now what else have you made?"
Bill reached into his other pocket and pulled out a deformed-looking animal with fur, webbed feet, and a duck bill. "What is this?" God asked.
"It's called a platypus! It lays eggs, Dad!" Bill stated, very proud of himself.
"What sense does that make? It's a mammal for My sake!"
God looked up into the sky and realized that the warm, loving sun He had created was much brighter than He remembered it. "Bill, what happened to the Sun?" God asked.
"The fly-traps were complaining that they were cold." Bill responded, but God wasn't listening. Instead, He was staring at the dried out carcasses of one-horned horses.
"Bill, you made the sun too bright, and you killed my unicorns!" God began to cry. His salty tears pooled together and became the Great Salt Lake.
==God gives Bill a second chance==
God, being the tolerant fellow that He is, settled merely for giving Bill a spanking for his misbehavior, and made Bill promise not to screw around with the world anymore. Shortly afterwards, Bill's more famous brother Jesus was born. Bill became very jealous of Jesus for all the attention God was giving him. He wanted to do something to make his father notice him. So, he distracted God by giving Him an unsolvable rubix cube and went to work. When God solved (half a second later) the rubix cube, he rushed back to Earth, but it was too late. He noticed a change immediately.
"What have you done now, Bill?" said God furiously. "What is that awful stench?"
"It's the new thing I just invented," responded Bill. "It's called body odor! Isn't that exciting?"
What? shouted God, "I wanted the people I created to smell like cranberries! This is a total outrage!"
==Exile and escape==
God sent Bill to Limbo to wait out Eternity as a punishment for making His humans smell so bad. Unfortunately, thanks to the Catholic Church, Limbo was dissolved in 1963 and Bill was free again. Since then, he has been the source of many of the planet's shortcomings, e.g. emo kids and ingrown toenails. Meanwhile, God has taken responsibility for His son's misbehavior, saying "I should have spent more quality time with him. Then he wouldn't have turned out to be such a spoiled brat." God has reportedly gone on a mission to hunt down His illegitimate son, but this has not been easy. Bill is a master of disguise and has reserved a position in the apocalyptic battle at the end of the world.
==The Church of Bill==
Founded by Andy Timbull, First Pope of Bill, in 1879 as a scam to profit from the gold rush, The Church of Bill has ever been a haven for the boring, the mildly annoying, the jerkthe insipid flock ignored by God, who occupies Himself with beautiful and interesting people instead. The Church of Bill mirrors the Roman Catholic Church exactly, save one subtle difference: their entire liturgy, in falsetto with hysterical laughter at each amen, which precedes each Sunday's Eucharist (potluck brunch).
Pope Leo XIII pronounced the Church of Bill a "menagerie of fags", which is now the common term used amongst Vatican officials when speaking of either the Church of Bill or homosexuals.
Category:Angels
Category:Religion