The Kanawha River Is Deeper Than We Thought!!

Where do I even start? Oh, yes! I awakened from my drunken slumber... dreadful and hesitating. My head pounded as retribution for a night of hardcore portying like Andrew W.K. 
The accursed sun peeked through the open blinds of my bedroom window. Now, how I successfully made it back to my bedroom... I do not know. Anyway, the harsh light of day only seemed to add insult to injury... and worst of all, it was Wednesday. Yeah, that's right, it was flipping Wednesday. 
I proceeded outside to check the mailbox, like I normally would. It seemed to be a typical morning in good ol' Kanawha City, West Virginia. Albeit, the weather was akin to that of the sauna. Yesternight's rainfall did little to combat the epic heat wave we were enduring; merely intensifying the humidity. My stomach churned as I stumbled towards the mailbox. It was then that I heard... something that deeply disturbed me. 
The unpleasant cry was reminiscent of the the sound that one guy from Contra makes when he dies. Needless to say, I was quite unnerved. However, I carried on figuring it was nothing more than local children at play. Wait, nah. That couldn't be it. The disturbance sounded as if it was being emitted from... the river. 
I never liked that river. It was always sticky and wet, and sticky and wet makes me upset. Not to mention the offensively apparent drop off that one encounters after traveling a mere 2 meters out into the filthy waters. I always knew there was something off about that body of water...
So I proceeded to my delinquent grandma's car and travelled to CVS. I hoped to purchase some "pop-its!" In an attempt to rouse whatever ne'er-do-well was responsible for the river incident. The Corvette was blisteringly hot, per usual. Memaw doesn't believe in air conditioners. Upon acquiring the vehicle, she disabled all functions of the air conditioner; called it "witchcraft." And worst of all, it was Tuesday. Yeah, I said it...
Of course, nitwits on the road had to cause a city wide panic to ensue. These prickly-pear-looking buffoons were racing their big rigs on the four-lane. I hope they all crash. Now, you don't even have to get on the four-lane to get to CVS. But anyway, I got my Pop-Its! Upon arrival, I noticed a peculiar fog hovering above the river. However, this "fog" was green! Yeah, green! Like Michael Green! Like Amaimon's hair color green!! I apprehensively hopped on my skateboard, and sheepishly I travailed the distance from my home to the dock. 
I remember little ol' hungover me waddling over to the edge of the dock. "Die! Demon!" I exclaimed as I launched the Pop-Its! into the river. As one would expect, they did not "pop" as there was nothing solid for them to land on. The sheer force of my launch was simply not enough. Unfortunately, whatever created such an awful noise was still lurking. 
Now, you've gone bibbity-bonkers if you think for a second that I was going to enter those waters. It could be anything: What if it's that guy from the amusement park??? Yeah, so I called my buddy Sean because my knee was hurting... he didn't pick up. So I withdrew back and calmed my nerves. I had to think logically. So, I went back inside and drank a beer... hair of the dog, right? Wait, did I say beer? Oh, I meant Shine. 
Okay, so are you scared yet? 
So after about 7 hours and 37 minutes and roughly 10 seconds into that 37th minute, I decided I had the courage to venture back to the haunted Kanawha River. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "Dude, calm down, you have no reason to believe the Kanawha river is haunted, you goon!" Well listen peasant, you weren't there. You can't comprehend how flipping scary it actually was, you bing-bong-buffoon! But anyway, I proceeded toward the river, this time on foot... I knew I was far too wasted to successfully complete the journey on the skateboard. 
So, I decided to go the long way, and I encountered this pretty girl. Now, I know you are probably thinking I attempted to flirt. No nitwit, I frantically warned her of the terrible monster I believed to be lurking in our river. Yeah, bad idea. I got maced... anyway, I carried onward, my face burning like a toaster stroodle. 
So let's be real, I didn't have the cojones to actually enter the river. I merely walked to the, eroded, edge of the land. Bad idea, the ground beneath my feet began to slip away. I knew I was in trouble now! Now, don't get too scared, obviously I survived. Anyway, it's now Wednesday night, and the waters are as filthy as Awsten Knight. I was quite literally in over my head. "I can't swim!" I screamed. 
Now, I can swim just fine. Honestly, what would you do in my situation? Would you yell that a monster is gonna get you? No, you'll get put into Highland. So I screamed and shouted for anyone who could lend me a helping hand. Unfortunately, no one was around to hear my cries.
It was then that I heard it again... only this time it sounded more like that one System Of A Down song where Serj goes "Disorder! Disorder! Disoooor-ha-ha-der!!!." It goes without saying, I was beyond horrified! I frantically darted towards the shore. I knew full well I would never make it. Did I mention I fell off the bridge? Yeah, sorry I got mixed up. But anyway that's what happened. It was a 60 foot fall! 
A million thoughts ran through my mind. "Is this the end?" I asked myself. "Who will feed my grandma?" I knew I had to survive! It was then that I had an epiphany: what if one of the reasons for inflation is so that both parents would be forced to work, resulting in less mother-child bonding time? Ending the old adage of wives looking after the home and the children? Perhaps an elaborate scheme to disrupt the family dynamic resulting in parentally abandoned degenerates who are now more malleable???
Now, that didn't help me at all with my situation. Sadly... I saw a massive hand reach out from the water, about 20 meters away from where I was. Actually it was more like 2 feet. My heart sank, my bowels emptied. I was going to die, or worse... have to walk home with poopy pants on. I felt my body go limp, and as I fell beneath the surface I saw the distant face of the monster. It looked just like my dad. 
It rushed towards me, with fury in its eyes. I felt my heart thump, and for a moment I truly believed I was actually in Hell. It opened its gaping mouth, and I prepared for death. I arose to the surface to exclaim my final words, "Dear admins, if you can't appreciate the satire, please check yourself before you wriggity-wreck yourself. Don't delete it, you degenerate smutbags!" And then I heard a deep, guttural voice...
I hear it exclaim. "Son, I'm getting sick of this. When we get home you're getting the belt!" 
Not again...
Now go change your pull-ups and get back to work. Story's over. 
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck