McDonald's Special Sauce Theory

McDonald's is a normally chill and OK place to eat with a lot of healthy and affordable options (trust me: I'm a doctor), but have you ever wondered what's in McDonald's Special Sauce? You know, the 'special sauce' that's like a mesh of mayonnaise, ketchup, salad dressing, and your girlfriend once a month? Anyway, McDonald's won't tell you.
Would you like to know why?
I am an intern at McDonald's, and I can tell you the shocking truth right now... for a price. Mm... 1 dollar? 1 dollar? No, that's not enough. That's nowhere near enough. 3 dollars and 11 cents? Nah... no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Five dollars and seventy-six cents? That's not even enough to afford a Big Mac...
but I'll take it.
The real reason that McDonald's won't tell you what's in the special sauce, is... is because because it's Ronald McDonald's special mayonnaise, if you know what I mean! HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!
A-HEH HEH HEH HEH HEHHHHHHH!
Ha.......... no, but seriously: I have evidence. I mean it clearly doesn't taste like real food (that's why the 'real food police' is always bothering McDonald's) and they also don't advertise that the special sauce is real food. Therefore if it isn't real food, it must not be something that is normally consumed as food. Though it could be consumed. Which means it can be something inedible, like a song... but if you ate a song you'd crap out lyrics or a melody. So it isn't a song. Therefore, it must be clown sauce.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa
But seriously: I have evidence. My name is Jamal, and I lived out of a math van. It's a van where we do math problems together in order to get out of inner city high school and move on in life. Back in the 1980s, I was trying to get a job, but they wouldn't hire me because my name is not on my birth certificate. In fact, my birth certificate is just a McDonald's menu placement with a bunch of crossword puzzles on it.
That's not...
that's not what's important right now!
But I worked at McDonald's. I worked at the ball pit. I was the ball pit monitor. I used to pick up the balls and I used to put them in my mouth and chew on them, and if the balls split open then I would throw the balls out in the garbage. Did you ever wonder why you find misplaced balls in the garbage? It's me! It's me! I did it! I used to go all across the country taking balls out of the ball pit and chewing on them and eating them, but I got very sick one day from all the plastic.
I... I was...
disheveled. My eyes were bloodshot, my hair was unkempt and untidy. My clothes? I was out of it that I was dressed up like the Burger King! No, when I went to tell McDonald's, I told them I was going to sue them for everything they were worth. $5.76.
But... as you may have guessed, there are a lot of lobbyists in this world. And if lobbyists want to make money, they will buy the pockets out of the government.
Have you ever stopped and wondered how the President of the United States has orange hair? That's a bit unusual, isn't it? An orange haired president.
Take a close look at him. He hunches over, he clearly is wearing a toupee or a wig...
... isn't that enough for you, or do I have to give you more evidence? Fine.
His name is everywhere. What is another name that is absolutely everywhere? Think about it. I'm telling you... just think about it.
Have you had your break today?
Mac Donald's!!! Duhhr.
Trump. McDonald's. Trump. McDonald's. And just you wait, if they already have a casino called tropicana, it won't be long until they have a casino called McDonald's.
Orange juice? Fast food? Orange juice is a beverage. Special sauce is hypothetically a beverage if you have it as a beverage, but special sauce isn't advertised as real food, now isn't it?
But a casino isn't real food. You can't eat a casino.
And you're not supposed to eat a plastic ball from the ball pit.
So here I am. Age 65. Sometimes I live off of fingernail clippings. I yodel to myself--yodel-ay hee hoooooo...
Kinda lost my ability to do that over the years, but...
McDonald's special sauce is clown jizz.
I'm telling ya.
==Original version of this story==
McDonald's is a normally chill and OK place to eat with a lot of healthy and affordable options, but have you ever wondered what's in McDonald's Special Sauce? Well, they won't tell you. That's because it's Ronald McDonald's special mayonnaise, if you know what I mean! HEH HEH HEH!
A-HEH HEH HEH!
Ha................... but seriously I have evidence. I mean it doesn't taste like real food and they don't advertise that the special sauce is real food. Therefore if it isn't real food, it must not be something that is normally consumed as food. Which means it can be something inedible like a song but if you ate a song you'd crap out lyrics or a melody. So it isn't a song. Therefore, it must be clown sauce.
The End.
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Category:EVIL FOOD
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