The Irishman

The Irishman is the latest movie from filmmaker Martin Scorsese. Unlike Scorsese’s previous films, this film’s plot was not discussed as much as the medium of distribution. In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who’s even watched The Irishman, much less someone who appreciates its artistic qualities. This is because most people don’t like signing up for a streaming service full of substandard garbage for one movie which could be good or might not be that good.
==Development==
Scorsese came up with the idea for The Irishman shortly after directing his film “Leonardo di Caprio The Rich Sociopath.” he realized that nobody had made a movie about Jimmy Hoffa yet, and a movie about Jimmy Hoffa and how nobody knows what happened to Jimmy Hoffa could be pretty interesting, and he also decided he would work gangsters in there somehow, because it can’t be a Scorsese movie without gangsters.
The film was in development Hell for years, and many were swayed by this to think that the film must have been a very refined product because it was in development Hell for so long, whereas in actuality there are two reasons for a film to be in development Hell- one is that it’s continually pushed aside by worse films with more money, and the other reason is that the movie is a bad movie and nobody really wants to see it. Which of these categories The Irishman belongs in is unclear, as nobody has seen The Irishman.
==Release==
Realizing that he would need to do something really edgy, Scorsese happened upon the idea of using a gimmick to draw crowds. Rather than a fun gimmick, though, like the ghost viewer in 13 Ghosts or the punishment poll in Mr. Sardonicus, Scorsese decided to sign his soul over to the devil of paywalls- that insidious imp of the Internet, Netflox!
His reasons for this were twofold. One, he wanted money, and being a part of one of the greatest film movements of all time, he had no idea how Netflox worked, thought Netflox was magic, and didn’t know that, on average, movies released in movie theaters the normal way make just as much or more money than movies released behind a paywall. He describes his other motive as follows: 
“You know, I thought, What kind of weirdo these days wants to sit in a nice dark room which is specially designed to keep all the light out and ensure optimal viewing enjoyment in a nice comfy chair to watch a gritty gangster drama when you could watch the same gritty gangster drama on a folding chair in your kitchen on a computer screen and have the sun shine through the window? And so I signed the deal with Netflox, and I really didn’t think this would do anything. Movies is movies, right? Heh heh”
Scorsese then pulled out his MacBook iOS and started binging 5 Vox videos. Rumor has it for the promotion of the film to relate with the young, hip audience he even pulled out some Juuls and gave them to stars Joe Pesci and Al Pacino to pose with, who promptly lit them from the wrong end. 
==Plot==
We don’t know much about the plot of The Irishman, as to watch the Irishman you have to pay money to an online streaming service instead of a movie theater, but most people do know it has something to do with Jimmy Hoffa, the guy who went missing. And also some gangsters. We know Al Pacino, Joe Pesci, and Robert de Niro are in it, and their faces are de-aged with creepy CGI, but this CGI isn’t given as much attention as Moff Tarkin being resurrected or Henry Cavill’s upper lip because it’s hidden behind a paywall, where criticism is scarcer and details are rationed like Spam during wartime. Why Scorsese couldn’t simply have Al Pacino and Joe Pesci and Robert De Niro play old characters will probably remain a mystery forever.
Anyway, Jimmy Hoffa is the Union guy, and he does all the stuff Jimmy Hoffa did in real life, except it’s dramatic and everything. Eventually, Hoffa gets murdered by the gangsters, which is probably how it happened in real life, or maybe not, but nobody will ever know what Martin Scorsese thinks because Martin Scorsese wants to keep this movie under lock and key to make it really “special.”
I heard from my cousin’s friend that at one point there’s an epic showdown on the wing of a Concorde between Jimmy Hoffa, played by Robert de Niro, and D.B. Cooper, played by Ray Liotta, and both of them are struggling with D.B. Cooper’s famous suitcase of money. How D.B. Cooper got on the Concorde is he fell onto the wing after skydiving from the other airplane, and Jimmy Hoffa just so happened to be on the Concorde, and Robert De Niro/Jimmy Hoffa being the total badass he is breaks the window and goes out and struggles with D.B. Cooper, and then the money ends up being snatched by Amelia Earhart, who flies past in her Lockheed. So then D.B. and Hoffa go in., and smoke some cigars and drink some martinis and make typical Scorsese-esque small talk. That might happen, or maybe not. Nobody really knows for sure. 
Judging by the trailer it can be assumed that this movie takes place sometime in the 60s, or maybe the 70s. It sure looks like Scorsese spent a lot of money on all the old TVs and old cars and everything. And the CGI. And after watching the trailer, I was right. Robert De Niro with CGI that makes him look 40 is something that does not belong on this Earth.
==Reception==
The movie was severely crippled by the fact that most critics watch movies in a movie theater and not on their phone, and so most critics didn’t watch the movie. This is not to say that the Irishman didn’t get any criticism, though. Among the critics who reviewed the film, they ranged from calling Scorsese “a minor sellout” to “a huge sellout” to “an embarrassment to the film industry.” This is proof that no matter how good your movie is, and no matter how much money you spent on it, and no matter how cool you think the gimmick is, if you’re an established filmmaker with a hundred Oscars under your belt you should probably do what the people want instead of an idea you had while on the grass.
And did I mention that while this film’s budget was $250 million dollars, Scorsese only made $8 million dollars? Holy frickin-’ I imagined this turkey would lose some money, but not this much money. This is Martin Scorsese we’re talking about, not Uwe Boll. I feel sad.
At the end of the day, The Irishman is a cautionary tale for those who would hop on trends for no reason. The Irishman is a cautionary tale for those who would forsake the American movie theater as a vital institution. Mainly, The Irishman is a movie about Jimmy Hoffa and how he disappeared, and trucks, and the Vietnam war, too, probably, or something. We’ll never know for sure because nobody can see it. 
And it probably won’t be selected for preservation by the National Film Registry, either.
Category:PLS Entry Summer 2020