Neptunium

"Thuseth iteth iseth tastyeth liketh spaghettieth andeth thoueth musteth eateth iteth!" -Moroneth Stupiduseth, 70 AD.
Neptunium is an actual element that exists. Discovered in 70 AD by Moroneth Stupiduseth of Rome it was widely regarded as delicacy until 71 AD once people began to explode because it turns out they were so not used to flavor they literally had no capabilities of not exploding from the sheer flavor of the delicacy of Neptunium, and some theorize this as to be why Pompeii even happened. It is unfortunately so that it became a crime to possess it, though it is no longer such in Kazakhstan. Also, some people keep on confusing this for Neptune, of which it is only named after.
== How to obtain Neptunium ==
You may ask, now, "Well how do I get it if it's just illegal to have it?" Well fuck the government anyways. Basically, there's this place in the wild west of America, it has a bunch of shit that's really tasty such as neptunium. It is fairly easy to break into at 3 AM, considering they haven't noticed it just yet. You need to transport it safely (DO NOT EAT IT AT ALL WHEN YOU TRANSPORT IT!) and shove it in a plastic bag and say you came from a Las Vegas Walmart if they find you. Speaking of if you get found out, it's actually really easy to just not get found out. Which is why we're getting a new section about that.
== How to NOT get captured while obtaining Neptunium or afterwards ==
It, again, is really really easy to NOT be captured after. For your own sake (as I know you have 2 brain-cells and only one works), this will be divided into 2 sections.
=== While Obtaining ===
If you somehow get captured afterwards, you need to remember how I brought up a plastic bag. SHOVE THE NEPTUNIUM IN THE BAG. You need to say something about Las Vegas, maybe even just sound drunk! Actually no, you need to sound drunk. Once you have them convinced you are drunk as hell, just start stumbling your way home and you should be fine. Of course, if you didn't convince them, you are utterly FUCKED and will be arrested immediately and probably put to death. If you "did" and they follow you somehow, then start buying carcinogens and using them. This will probably convince them you are indeed drunk and will leave. Hopefully.
=== After Obtaining ===
If you manage to get away from the Feds after obtaining that sweet sexy ass Neptunium, you can easily dodge the Feds by going to the following places:
# Vorkuta, Russia (small dying off town near the Arctic)
# Anywhere in Greenland (until or if trump buys that shithole)
# Antarctica
# Cayman Islands
# Any Poor African country (bring a gun if so)
# Finally, I got the Alps.
So that's advice if you're a precautionary fucker. Meanwhile if you actually live, it turns out you can just shove it underneath the sink. Not hard, I know. You might as well actually go ahead and sleep with the damn thing, since at this point you might not be in danger anymore. I might even make a page just on that. So anyways if they actually do find you and the Feds come a-knocking, hide it wherever, such as up your ass, in your soup, microwave, cabinets, under the floorboards, the bed, literally anywhere that isn't in plain sight. Again, if they find it, you are fucked and will be arrested. So once they leave, you should probably move to one of the aforementioned places.
== Something about cooking it ==
Well since you have it, here's a few ways to eat it, since it is quite scrumptious as mentioned in the beginning of this totally factual article. First of all you can just eat it directly as the ancient Romans did to their pleasure. You can also mix it in to foods such as any Russian foods, Alien shit, cheeseburgers, printers, microwaves, spaghetti, cheese, and of course any Italian foods. (If ketchup is applied to Spaghetti mixed with Neptunium, it explodes your home and sends the entire Italian populace after you). 
Oh also there's some periodic table ass shit below this. Nerdy, I know.