Jeff the Killer: A More Realistic Rendition

Excerpt from a local Newspaper:
OMINOUS UNKNOWN KILLER IS STILL AT LARGE.
After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise. After enormous amounts of DNA evidence have been found at an earlier crime scene, a young teen describes his encounter with the killer and bravely tells his story.
"I had a wet dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed, so I got up and shut it once more to keep out the mosquitos. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. The little detail I could see in the dark showed pure malice. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. A long, red and puffy smile that was clearly in an advanced stage of infection. The figure stood there, watching me, occasionally shuffling his legs and fiddling with a dollar store kitchen knife. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a comic book villain could speak.
"He said, 'Go. To. Sleep.' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled up a knife; aiming at my chest. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, and even tried grappling his malnourished arms to wrestle the knife away. That's when my dad busted in to tell me that he had work in 'two fucking hours'. The killer threw the knife at him, it went wide and scratched up the drywall the construction company had finished priming the day before. The man probably would've caused more property damage, if the neighbors hadn't been filming the whole thing meanwhile shouting 'WORLDSTAR! WORLDSTAR!'.
They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door with iphones in hand. The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I got out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that cunt. The fucking nerve he had to break our $150 insulated glass windows will never leave my head."
Police are still on the look for this man. If you see anyone that looks emaciated with inflamed facial scars, please contact your local police department.
Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those gated neighborhoods. Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by.
"Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce myself and to introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Hunter, these are our new neighbors." Hunter said hi and went back to typing on his smart phone.
"Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter he's a very accomplished accountant, and my wonderful two sons, Jeff and Liu who both are high academic achievers." As they one up'd each other's family achievements, Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to. When Jeff and his family finished packing, Jeff went up to his mom.
"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some posh child."
"Jeff," said his mother as she rolled her eyes, "We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors, it'll keep the Home Owners Association off our backs. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final. He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. He dismissed it as a sign of puberty.
The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging pain, like when you really have to piss but you're self-conscious about the guy in the adjacent urinal thinking you have a tiny cock, but he once again dismissed it as stupid teenage hormones. As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?"
The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. He wears a Ralph Lauren polo shirt and cargo shorts.
"Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny and the other was obese. "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Pierre." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that showed his mother had the occasional shot of vodka during her pregnancy. "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since he had his last wank.
"And I," said the first kid, "am Dakota. Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift. It's an extortion racket, just in case you don't understand my word play." Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's eyes when one of his friends pulled a pocket knife on him. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way." The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. "You know this can get you ten years to life in jail, right?" Liu explained. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation. He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid.
"Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Dakota put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife.
"Oh? And what will you do?" Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. As Dakota reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and twisted it. Dakota screamed for him to let go and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. Stupidly he grabbed the knife blade first, dicing up his fingers and causing him to drop it. Troy and Pierre rushed Jeff, but Jeff was actually in reasonable shape. He pushed Dakota to the ground, ruining his cargo shorts. Pierre lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and punched the twig in the face. Pierre dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. Troy rushed him too, but Jeff just shifted his position a bit more to his right. He just stuck his foot out and Troy tripped down belly first into the asphalt. As he fell, he puked all over Liu. His brother could do nothing but look in amazement at scene that had unfolded.
"Jeff how'd you?" that was all he managed to get out. They saw the bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole thing because they weren't rich pricks. So they started running as fast as they could towards their school. As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Dakota and the others like his job depended on it. As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they broke the ice by bragging about how they beat the shit out of Dakota and his crew. Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something...something erotic. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone. He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably would be taking the bus now after he took out the competition, he felt happy. When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat horny voice, "It was a wonderful day."
The next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two private security officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look.
"Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were bruised. Bruised son!" Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, as he contemplated who the hell snitched.
"Mom, I'm the one who got cut up!" Jeff said as he waved his scarred fingers in her face.
"Son," said one of the guards," We found three kids, two down on the floor, one having a broken septum, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?"
"These kids were running a goddamn extortion racket, they took my brothers wallet, we never even thought of taking it back from them, they probably still have it! This is a clear case of self-defense!" Jeff explained frantically to the officers as he tried to avoid being detained.
"We'll have a cop investigate that claim, but we've contacted the local authorities and they'll need some good evidence if you want to contest their charges." stated the guard.
It only took fifteen minutes for a squad car to show up and relieve the security officers.
Jeff knew it was no use trying to contest the charges, he hadn't sustained any injuries that weren't self-inflicted, and the only bit of evidence he could offer was his brothers missing wallet. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu.
"Son, call down your brother, we need to question him as well." Jeff couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the kids.
"Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The cop looked at his partner and they both nod.
"Well kid, we're going to have to detain you until we get a court date settled."
"Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding a knife. The officers pulled their Tasers and locked them on Liu.
"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.
"LIU DROP THAT FUCKING THING!" Jeff screamed at his brother.
"Son, just put the knife down," said the officer. Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.
"No Liu, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Jeff had tears running down his face.
"Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The police pushed Liu down to his knees and cuffed him.
"Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!" Jeff's mother put her hands on his shoulders.
"Jeff please, you don't have to lie. You said it was self-defense, we can just get an attorney to object Liu's confession as excited utterance." Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speed off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong.
"Son, what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway. After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house. Noticing that his parents were shocked, sad, and disappointed in the legal system. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu sitting in holding when he was innocent. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu from the county jail. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and teenage angst.
"Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room.
"What, what's today, Liu's Trial?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake.
"Why, it's Hunter's party." He was now fully awake.
"Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kid's party after my brother got arrested, do you?" There was a long pause.
"Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed." Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid's party?
"Son, is that all you're going to wear?" said Jeff's mom.
"Better than wearing too much." he said. His mother pushed down the feeling to slap him and hid it with a smile.
"Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." said his father. Jeff grunted and went back up to his room.
"I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairs.
"Just pick out something." called his mother. He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black slacks he had for special occasions and a ridiculously deep v-neck. He couldn't find a jacket to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts, none of which go with slacks. Finally he found a white hoodie with a picture of Rainbow Dash and put it on.
"You're wearing that?" they both said. His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Hunter's house. They knocked on the door and it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, was way over-dressed. As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids.
"The kids are out in the yard. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?" said Barbara.
Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids. They were just sitting on plastic chairs playing angry birds on their smart phones.
"Hey. Wanna play?" he heard a kid ask him as he held out a phone with the "heads up" app running.
"Ah, no kid. I'm way too old for this stuff." The kid looked at him with that weird "u wot m8" face.
"Please? We need a third." said the kid. "Fine," said Jeff. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. An odd "Skate 3" style noise. Then it hit him. Dakota and Pierre jumped over the fence on their skateboards, Troy didn't make the jump and ended up having to walk in through the normal entrance. Jeff dropped the iphone much to the owners horror. Dakota looked at Jeff with a burning hatred.
"Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. "We don't play nice with snitches, I had officers questioning me for two hours yesterday." Jeff saw his bruised nose." I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to holding."
Dakota got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that day, but not today." As he said that Dakota rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Dakota punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and began to pull them away from their owner. Dakota managed to squirm away from him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Pierre both pulled switch blades out of their pockets.
"No one interrupts unless they want to get shived!" they said. Dakota pulled a pocket knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder.
Jeff screamed and fell to his knees. Dakota went to knee him in the face, but the moist grass caused him to lose his footing. Jeff grabs his foot and twists it as hard as he can, causing Dakota to squeal mercy. Jeff tried to make his escape and ran towards the house. Troy grabbed him with his meaty hands.
"Need some help?" He picks Jeff up by the back of the collar and throws him through the sliding glass door. As Jeff tries to stand he is kicked down to the ground by Dakota's lackeys. Dakota tries to straddle Jeff to get some punches in, but he quickly gets back on his feet when he feels the broken glass on his knees.
"Come on Jeff, fight me!" He picks Jeff up from the glassy floor and throws him into the kitchen. Dakota sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and tries to smash the glass over Jeff's head, but he underestimates the condensation and the bottle goes flying into the kitchen sink
"Fight!" He throws Jeff back into the living room.
"Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with cuts from the glass. "I was the one who got your brother sent to jail! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him rot in there! You should be ashamed!" Jeff starts to get up.
"Oh, finally you stand and fight!" Jeff is now to his feet, blood and sweat on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Dakota as he runs at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. Fight or flight kicks in and his body chooses to kill or be killed. He grabs Dakota and knee's him in the gut as his hands close around the yuppies throat. He pushes the kid down with his body weight and keeps applying pressure to his throat as Dakota's finger nails started clawing into his forearms. A growing tightness forms in his slacks as the sweaty boy underneath him struggles against his grip. He throws his weight against the boys neck until he feels his hyoid bone snap under the pressure. Dakota's clawing stops and after a few seconds Dakota's body went limp.
Everyone is looking at Jeff now as he dismounts Dakota's corpse, his erection slightly visible through the slacks. The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith. Although they easily break from their gaze and point their blades at Jeff. Jeff see's the knives and runs for the stairs. As he runs Troy and Pierre stay on his heels. As they let out their expletives Jeff ducks into the nearby bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and wiggles it loose from the wall. Troy and Pierre race in knives ready.
Troy swings his knife at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Troy's face. Troy goes out cold and Jeff turns his attention towards Pierre. He is more agile than Troy though, and ducked when Jeff swung the towel rack. He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck. He pushed him into the wall. A bottle of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf and sprayed its powerful base into their eyes. It burned their soft tissue and they both started to wail in agony. Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could. He reached for the towel rack and swung it straight into Pierre's head, the thin aluminum barely denting his skull. As he lay there, bleeding and concussed, he let out an ominous smile.
"What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Pierre pulled out a lighter and switched it on. "What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in bleach." Jeff's eyes widened as Pierre threw the lighter at him. As soon as the flame made contact with him the flames burned away at his my little pony hoodie. He quickly took his hoodie off and kicked Pierre in the mouth for being a cunt. Jeff began to feel weak as the injuries he sustained we're finally making themselves noticed. The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents dialing away on their phones as he slumped against the bathroom wall and passed out.
When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up the tube managed to lodge itself clean through his foreman, and a nurse rushed in to scold him for being a careless twat.
"I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube a little more aggressively than she should have. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were. Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.
"Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news! After all the witnesses told the police that Dakota confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go, especially after they discovered all his cuts were self-inflicted." This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube in his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again."
Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes. The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His whole family was there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff's face everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed.
"Let's hope for the best," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the wrappings; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face.
Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad stare awe-struck at his face.
"What? What happened to my face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress. His face. It... it's exactly the same. His lips were still a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color that would've made the fuhrer himself moist, and his hair was a greasy unkempt mess. He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now from the hundreds of small cuts he recieved. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror.
"Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..."
"Not that bad?" said Jeff," It's perfect you dicks!" His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching.
"Uh... Jeff, are you okay?"
"Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes perfectly with me!" He couldn't stop laughing. He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Dakota he got stomped in the head harder than Princess Diana got punched through her windsheild. Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn't know.
"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the head?"
"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain killers and suffered extensive blunt force trauma to the frontal cortex. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here and we'll begin psychiatric therapy ."
"Oh thank you doctor." Jeff's mother went over to Jeff." Jeff, sweety. It's time to go."
Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes.
"This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore, rainbow dash had succumbed to the righteous fire. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together, which was weird because there weren't any tailors within a reasonable distance. Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life.
Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks.
"Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother.
Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever. Holy shit if it ain't painful though, I won't be able to eat my golden grahams for a while!"Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black.
"Jeff, your eyes!" His eyes were seemingly never closing.
"I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face. It don't work though, I can't see anything anymore." Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful?
"Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face." She ran into the room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the phone we..." She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a knife.
"Mommy, you lied." That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, the heavy cleaver cutting deep gashes into the doorframe. Jeff continued his assault on the furnishings as his parents quietly snuck out the window.
His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise and the faint scent of the vomit stained clothes he never changed out of. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the knife ready to plunge it into Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip.
"Shhhhhhh," Jeff said. "Just go to sleep."
Jeff howled in pain as Liu kicked him in the groin and pushed him off his body. Liu bolted for the door and yelled for the neighborhood security guards. Jeff blindly thrashed around Liu's floor as he struggled to free himself from the comforter. A few well-placed cuts later Jeff emerged from the cottony gore and felt around for a window. His fingers connected with the oak window frame and he flung the window open.
"Now for my great escape!" Jeff yelled triumphantly
Jeff hopped out the window and his heart sank when he didn't immediately feel grass on his feet. Liu's room is on the second floor innit?
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Jeff the Killer
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Well, that was pointless.
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS
Category:WHAT A TWIST!