The Night I Saw Green Day

There are some things that are better off left in darkness. These types of conspiracies are hidden by secret societies for a reason. If they ever were to see the light of day, that would completely destroy everyone's miniscule and mundane perception of the world. You know what that would mean? Chaos would ensue and send our very existence as a species spiralling. That was the main reason I was hesitant to tell all of you what I saw that night. A secret behind the most punk punk band of all time. That band is Green Day.
It has been no secret to my friends, my momma, my teachers and my girlfriend, that I stan relatively hard for Green Day. It frustrates me immensely every time I hear my friends call them Green Gay. I just can't get over how punk they seem. Billie Joe Armstrong is the most anti-establishment artist on the planet. Did you all forget when he was at iHeartRadio and said, "I'm not Justin Bieber, you motherfuckers!"? 100% pure uncut rock!
Needless to say, when I heard my beloved anti pop renegades were playing a concert in my city, I had to go witness their glory firsthand again. I was even more ecstatic then the time I saw the American Idiot musical, for which I loved very much. Even better yet, it was one of the first shows where everyone had to be vaccinated and show proof in order to attend. I am so proud of the punk community right now.
I arrived at the venue two hours early. I also printed out my entire medical history for their viewing pleasure in order to demonstrate my loyalty to the man I wish was my dad, Billie Joe Armstrong. Once I was in, I was ready to have the time of my life.
They played for a whole two hours straight. I don't even think it was possible to have more fun than I was having. After consuming a couple beers, I did have to use the bathroom. Of course it had to happen to me during the empowering 21 Guns! On my way to the bathroom, I bumped into a man in a purple ski mask and red dress suit. 
"Watch where you're walking dumbass", I yelled. "Why the hell are you dressed like that anyway?!"
"Shhhh! So they don't know where I am".
I could tell the man was quite serious by his tone, but I was not sure why.
"Who's they?", I queried.
"The Swamplins", he whispered.
Now I could see his legs were shaking.
"Swamplins! What the hell are Swamplins?!".
After I asked him the reasonable question, he simply stared at me with frightened eyes.
"I've said too much, you never saw me". As he was leaving, he started to sing.
🎶I walk a Swamplin road,
The only road the Swamplins seem to know.
Good ol' Billie Joe,
Sold his soul and now he sucks Swamplin chode. 
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
The Swamplin road, the Swamplin chode🎶
After that last note, he disappeared into the women's bathroom.
After my excretion of fluids, I returned to the auditorium where punk rock's saviours were still rocking out. Billie Joe stopped singing American Idiot to discuss important issues of course.
"Have you taken the time to go to the concession stand and purchase a punk rock Coca Cola", he yelled. "The experts say there is a 99.9% chance it kills COVID-19 due to all the toxic chemicals they dump in it, so GO AND BLOODY FUCKING GET ONE!"
"And a bag of twizzlers!", Tre Cool added.
"Shut up!", Billie demanded while throwing his guitar at the drummer, hitting him in the head.
After the show I was tired, and feeling sick due to all the coke and twizzlers I feasted upon. Still, I couldn't help but find myself wanting the party to continue. I figured meeting Green Day would be the perfect way to end my night. I put on a blonde wig and red dress in order to sneak past the guard that was blocking the entrance to the backstage. Once I was back there, I searched for their dressing room for about twenty minutes. Anytime I saw a guard heading my way, I would throw on a red dress and leopard spotted thong in order to trick them. They didn't even seem to notice my bulge.
After all the guards were gone, I finally could see the dressing room in my sight. I was going to meet the man that created punk music. The door was open so I could hear people talking. One of the voices definitely belonged to Billie, but the other ones didn't sound like the rest of the band. In fact, they didn't even sound human. I grew more curious with each step . Finally, I looked inside the slightly ajared door.
What I saw next I still cannot believe I actually witnessed. I saw Billie, but he was talking to some strange monster. The creature was greenish white, and he was covered in moss. Then I saw Tre Cool and Mike Dirnt in the corner of the room, being sodomized by two more of the monsters. Shockingly, they were enjoying their monstrous penetration session. That's when I kicked the door open and screamed, "Nobody move! What the fuck is going on?".
The creature talking to Billie jumped back with surprise.
"We've been spotted! We must flee by night!"
"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Billie Joe asked. "It's proper edicate".
I was almost in tears at the sight of what I was witnessing.
"I looked up to you Billie. I don't understand why you are talking to... I'm sorry. What are you wretched little things?". 
"We are Swamplins", the creature hissed. "You may be wondering what a Swamplin is. In your world, we would be referred to as goblins. We come from a different dimension known as Swamplandia. If you're wondering why it's called that, it's because it is a swamp".
"Yeah! A shitty, stinky swamp", Billie said while laughing.
"Billie! Shut up!". The swamplin kicked him in the nuts.
"Oi, me heart grenades!".
Billie Joe cried for five minutes. In the meantime, the swamp goblin told me more of this hidden history.
"Many eons ago, we were summoned by a secret order located in Mesopotamia. We were the ones who gave the mighty king Nimrod the resources to construct the tower of babel".
"Why do you think these little twats have an album called Nimrod?!", another swamplin said while shoving his chode in Mike Dirnt's mouth.
The head swamplin was angered by this interruption.
"I'm telling the story!". After his outburst, the swamplin gained his composure. "We've been working on this for thousands of years, and we're finally close to accomplishing our plan. A swamplin world order. A world where the rule of swamp, not the rule of the jungle, governs the conduct of nations. When we're successful, and we will be, we have a real chance at this swamplin world order. An order in which a credible swamplin United Swamplin Nations can use it's peacekeeping role to fulfill the promise and vision of the UN's founders".
"But why would Green Day help you?! They're punk rock!", I shouted at the swamplin fiends. 
All the swamplins started to howl with laughter.
"Oh yeah! They're really punk. Hey Billie, tell him how punk you are in that affected British accent of yours".
Billy Joe started to sing.
🎶 Don't wanna be anti science idiot,
That's why you should listen to the media.
We are punk, now take your vaccine,
And sing along to the age of the swamplin order🎶
"That sounded real good, Billie", Tre Cool said with the swamplin chode still up his bunghole.
The swamplins started cackling once again.
"You see? Green Day are about as anti establishment as the CIA or Big Pharma. They are part of the establishment, spewing our establishment talking points for little cumstains like you to regurgitate. You think hair gel and F bombs change that? They do the ruling swamplin elite's dirty work until the day we don't need them, and thankfully that will be very soon."
I started to bawl like a baby. 
"Fuck you Swamplins and fuck you Billie! I take back everything I said about you. The American Idiot musical was not punk and actually kind of gay".
At that point I went screaming from the room. 
"After him!" The head swamplin commanded. "Billie Joe stop singing! Mike, stop sucking his chode! Green Gay, you suck! After him! After him!".
I could hear Billie Joe chasing after me.
"Come back here you bloody fucking pootz! I'm not Justin Bieber you mother fucker!". 
Thank God, they never found me. I put my dress back on so I managed to escape undetected. I can only imagine they're still looking for me. Green Day even put out two new songs called "Don't Wanna Be A Swamplin Denying Idiot" and "Find The Swamplin Denier". I tell you this story so that you are prepared for what's coming. Unfortunately for me, I feel it is too late. It's only a matter of time till they find me.
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