Saint Patrick

Saint Patrick, patron saint of alcohol, was the first Jizzlamic alien. After hearing about a peaceful new religion sprouting up on Earth, he left his war-mongering planet in search of enlightenment. Unfortunately, a miscalculation caused him to land in Ireland. This miscalculation also forced him to drop his collection of tourist shot glasses (mostly in Maine and Rwanda). Deciding to use lemons to make lemonade and convert the winos, or to be more accurate, whiskos.
It turns out that Jizzlam offers what Buddhism cannot, e.g. definite answers and a real purpose. His first day after converting consisted of chasing all the protestants out of Ireland with dog shit on the end of a golf club.
The next day, he discovered beer, and within a few hours came up with the idea that God was in fact three people, pretending to be just one person. While this made perfect sense when staring down through the bottom of a bottle, St. Patrick commented the next morning "What the fuck was I drinking?"
People choose to honour him on March 17 by wearing green clothing to imitate his green alien skin, and drink copious amounts of alcohol in order to come up with more brilliant theories on the nature of Good. St. Patrick requested that all the town drunks gathered and met in Ireland and they did, but never left.
In 1999 he was commissioned by Guinness to promote their new drink aimed at the younger market, known as Funky-Guinness.
Saint Patrick is also credited with driving all the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that for centuries, the Norwegians were going to Ireland, to escape the bitter Norwegian winters. At first, they weren't a problem, but eventually there were so many of them that they were eating all the fish the Irish could catch, and using up so many potatoes to make lefse, that they caused a rather well-known famine. So the Irish formed a secret society, called IRATION: the Irish Republican Army To rid Ireland Of Norwegians. First, they tried cutting off all the power to the Norwegian homes, so the fish in the Norwegian refrigerators would spoil. That accomplished precisely nothing; Norwegians thrive on rotten fish. So then they tried sprinkling the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegians. That didn't accomplish anything, either; all the Irish did was make the Norwegian delicacy, lutefisk. So finally, St. Patrick flew to the Norwegians on a flying nimbus, and told all the Norwegians to GO TO HELL! And that is why there are Norwegians in North Dakota.
It is well known that St. Patrick banished the protestants from Ireland. Less publicised is that he also banished kangaroos, polar bears, Vietnamese, Scientologists, and gays, all of which were regarded as nuisances by the early Irish Christians.
After freeing Ireland from its woes, St. Patrick began a crusade to free other countries from all that is scientology and protestant. To this day, St. Patrick has converted Uzbekistan, Amsterdam, and New Orleans to Jizzlam. St. Patrick also appeared in many well-received movies, including Dirty Dancing, Roadhouse, and Ghost. It is widely acknowledged that his career peaked at his recording of "She's Like the Wind". These cinematic accomplishments have warranted St. Patrick with a day dedicated to his honor.
He had a unusual infatuation with green; see Autism.
Patty bist eine mushroom ...
By the way, Vikki didn't write so you know.
Oh yeah, where's my pencil I borrowed you?
==See also==
*⁂
*Uzbekistan
*Amsterdam
Category:Irish culture
Category:Drunken Irishmen
Category:Religion in Ireland
Category:saints
Category:Lastnameless
eo:Sankta Patriko