The News with Mick Hobjob

The News with Mick Hobjob... What a Name! is an episode of the 10 o'clock news broadcast on BBC Telford in late 2002. Despite causing ratings for BBC Telford to go through the roof (literally, it's not a pleasant story), the show's host, Hobjob, resigned shortly afterwards stating that he was overdue on taking his pet camel on an annual desert trek as well needing his moustache manicured before taking part in Slough's annual lemur-licking and llama-dancing competitions. Upon hearing of his resignation, Greg Dyke, director of the BBC, stated that it was the blackest day in his illustrious career, calling Hobjob a father figure, the mature face of BBC Telford. All that survives of Hobjob's final broadcast before his disappearance down a mouse hole in the Sandwich Islands is the account below.
==The Programme==
“Hello! I’m Mick Hobjob…
NEWS BEAT IN BACKGROUND
News has just come in that the haddocks have re-united in a last ditch attack against the blue puffer fish of South East Asia. A puffer spokesfish gurgled, “We expect heavy haddock casualties”, and he also added, “Borneo will become a world superpower once again.”
Many people off the south coast of England have reported seeing a man-devouring jellyfish. One man even claims to have survived being eaten by this alleged mass murderer. When asked what the inside of the jellyfish was like he replied, “It was like the world’s largest birthday party only without the ice cream”. Another man also claims to have had his 17 pet yetis eaten by this beast.
World-renowned Peruvian opera singer, Ivor Lowdvoyce, discovered last night that his pet sloth, Steve, was in fact a shrunken antelope in disguise. As soon as this was revealed hundreds of Alaskan terrorists rushed to Ivor’s Peruvian log hut and shot out the windows. The motive behind this terrible act remains unexplained.
An Algerian child committed suicide on Tuesday after being bullied over the colour of his bedroom wallpaper. A Lithuanian policeman, on holiday in Algeria, reported, “One of my blue haired Algerian friends said that his wallpaper was bright lime-green with luminous pink paint splodges”. The colour of the wallpaper also apparently killed the boy’s favourite longhaired hamster. Incidentally, the name of the hamster was Gerry.
Now onto Dave for the sport….”
==The Sports Roundup==
“Hi I’m Dave Jobson. We’ll start our sports round up with last night’s highly aggressive football match between Arsenal and Leeds United. Bob Marley reported from Highbury:”
‘The first red card of the game came just before the two minute mark when Leeds United’s Danny Mills performed a miraculous two-footed lunge into the chest of Dutch hero Dennis Bergkamp, promptly collapsing his lungs. While Mills was on the ground Arsenal midfielder Ray Parlour strode over and calmly stamped on his neck, which caused Lee Bowyer to get involved in the fracas by gouging out both of Parlour’s eyeballs. Bowyer then received a swift red card for swearing at the 4th official. In the second half a coin was thrown in the general direction of Leeds’ Jonathan Woodgate, who then picked out an Arsenal fan at random and started a mass brawl. 2500 people died, Woodgate was booked and the match ended 0-0. Back to Dave.’
“Thanks Bob, another boring 0-0 draw eh?
Now to the world of the Winter Paralympics. Last night the first medals were decided in the thrilling events of the wheelchair downhill skiing and the no-handed curling. Firstly, in the men’s category of the wheelchair downhill skiing, I.Cntbndmebak raced down the course in a time of 34.316 seconds but was later disqualified for the use of an electric wheelchair, devastating! With a start number of 17¾ the pre-race favourite was B.U.Ildusaramp from Mozambique. But as he cruised round turn 13 at a speed of over 231mph he accidentally ran over a yellowy green mountain rabbit and stopped to performing a lifesaving ‘kiss of life’. In an interview later he was quoted as saying, “I’m devastated about losing the race but it was worth it for that kiss”. Epic. The last runner, Igor Tastarelift rampaged down in a time of 2 minutes 48.326 seconds and was the only legal finisher. He was awarded the gold medal, with the silver medal being donated to the charity for the protection of Grizzly Bears (R.S.P.C.W.R.G.B.) and the bronze medal being burned in sacrifice to the Tibetan queen.
Now to the no-handed curling, an epic event that was unfortunately postponed due to lack of hands. One game went ahead however, between the Macedonians and the Papua New Guineans. The game finished after eight ends when both captains shook heads and declared the Macedonians winners 64-0. A great result for the New Guineans. Now back to Mick in Telford…”
==Main News Headlines==
“Thanks Dave, now for another round up of the main news headlines…
NEWS BEAT IN BACKGROUND
The NHS has decided to completely cut its waiting list for the next five years. This will cause a multitude of deaths and outbreaks of many diseases. However the government are hoping that any money saved will go towards the castration of the Prime Minister’s favourite herd of cattle.
An army of Mongolian inland crabs have invaded and overtaken the city of Timbuktu. They promised to bring Mars Bars and toy cars to the community. The crabs have already failed in a violent attempt to overthrow the Argentinean embassy in Cape Town.
Scientists have concluded a controversial new report, which suggests that big brand name rugby boots were once wild animals in the Scottish Highlands. The report also talks about the still thriving wild soccer boots of Gran Canaria.
I’m Mick Hobjob, but now for the regional news in your area…”
==Regional News==
Deep Geordie voice: “Welcome to the NORTH EAST NEWS with Dave Merjigger.”
BEEPY NEWS TUNE
“Hi, I’m Dave Merjigger.
Acoustic guitar players on Tyneside are complaining that when they now put on live performances in bars or clubs, their melodic tunes are being drowned out by the hard-hittin’, heart-thumpin’, ear-shakin’, nose-snortin’, lung-collapsin’ techno beats from next door. One performer also said that if it’s not techno beats, then it’s face-cringing rap artists blurting out such poetic lines as the ones you will hear in the following clip. It is slightly possible that the clip may contain strong language”.
CLIP BEGINS
(Rap artist rapping in club)
:“So I don’t give a fuck if the mother fucker fucks ma bitch, or even if the mother fucker fucks up n sez your bitch is a fucking hoe to ma fucking face, cos then I fucking twat his face n fucking shoot some caps cos of that fucking mother fucker I’m gonna fucking kick his ass! N when he’s fucking goin’ down he can fucking eat ma shit as I kick his fucking nigger ass n rape his fucking nigger bitch nigger fucking yeah yeah FUCK YOU NIGGER BITCH!!!”
CLIP ENDS
Dave: “If you turned the sound off you may turn if back on now, although you may have needed the subtitles for what I just said. I think. Yes, anyway, now we go to a live report coming from a town near you!”
==The MINGES==
“Thanks Dave and hi everyone, I’m Tim Langemanger and today I’m in Sedgefield to witness the outcome of the North East’s equivalent to the OSCARS, the MINGES (the Middlesbrough Institute’s National Giving of Elastic Syringes). Firstly the syringe (or MINGE) for the best film using animation went to ‘Tigger the Movie’. Interestingly the makers of Shrek have ordered a recount. We will be returning throughout the night to find out who the winners are, so stay tuned! But for the moment, back to the studio…”
“Thank you Tim, incidentally a top plastic bottle maker, Big Jim Wanawana, has verbally attacked the MINGES, saying that they are against the beliefs of homosexual men and are biast towards straights and lesbians. He recommends that the name should be changed to MANGAYS (the Middlesbrough Association’s National Giving of Animatronic Yo-yo Strings). Complaints are flooding in from heroin addicts. Now back to Tim!”
“Yes Dave, that’s me, and I can tell you that there’s plenty going on here in Sedgefield tonight.
Ian McKellen, who starred as Gandalf in ‘Lord Of The Rings’, was a controversial choice for the best ‘Young, Up and Coming Actress’ award. In fact a few people attacked McKellen, who were then in turn attacked by Tony Blair’s bodyguards. While all this was going on a member of the audience stood up, shouted something which sounded distinctly like ‘Wombat’ and took a pot shot at the Prime Minister’s head. Of course he missed and hit an unimportant person. Anyway, the gunman then shot himself but the police have decided to leave the bloody mess dangling over seats instead of risking distressing the audience by removing it.
Tim Langemanger, BBC News, Sedgefield.”
==The Isles of Silly==
“Thank you Tim, I’m sure that we will return shortly once those brains have been cleared up. Anyway…. back to something a bit more civil, here’s Mark Bieschis”
“Hi, I’m Mark and I’m here in the Isles of Silly, just off the coast of Hartlepool. There are five islands in this prestigious group. Their names are Schrabous, Abiechley, Imkarctne, Lamittunia and Unkatunashum. I’m standing on Mount Mongeese, the highest point on Unkatunashum, just south of the hamlet of Retnec Sinnet, where a record-breaking attempt is about to take place. Magdalena Forsby, the island’s first hamlet to harbour an electronic fish and chip making machine, was invaded last night by the strange inhabitants of nearby Imkarctne. There were many riots and a few fish got battered….
Anyway, this incident has sparked off an attempt at a new world record. The record is to see how many locked and secure fish and chip machines can be hotwired in one hour. The current record is 53. Back to Dave.”
==The MINGES continued==
“Thanks Mark. Now back to the main event of the evening, the MINGES with Tim Langemanger.”
“Cheers Dave, let’s go straight to the action. Two awards have been decided since we last broadcast from this strip club.
The most prestigious of the two, the best overseas movie award, went to ‘Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius’. This sparked off a short fuse loaded with controversy, leading to an explosion of complaints. Even the Queen announced her distress at this and called for Tony Blair to resign. Unfortunately Tony’s ears were so full of himself that he thought the Queen had said recline. So he phoned up Churchills and ordered a relax and recline bed using the public taxes to pay for it. Dave…”
“Thanks Tim we’ll be back with you very soon. First, we go to Annabel Anabush, our female foreign correspondent.”
“Yes Dave, I’m here in Bolivia where an eighth wonder of the world is under construction. The structure is rumoured to be a giant seagull and will be sponsored by Kellogs. To mark the completion of the wonder, this will be next year’s venue for the Sexy Miss Bolivia competition, where the contestants are rumoured to be ‘saucier than a direct hit on a Heinz factory’.”
Dave: “So Annabel, with all this publicity surely Bolivia’s tourist trade is booming?”
Annabel: “It is Dave, but surely the question we want to ask is, what will happen to the native volleyball-playing donkeys of southern Bolivia? You will be able to find out the answer if you watch Bravo, 8pm, Thursday. Back to you Dave.”
“Indeed Annabel. Well I wonder what that seagull will do when it needs to excrete! Goodbye Miss Bolivia! Haha….”
DRAMATIC SILENCE IN STUDIO
“Haha…. well anyway, back to the third most exciting event of the year, the MINGES.”
“Thanks Dave and welcome back viewers. I’m Tim Langemanger, the first terrestrial TV news reporter to wear a blonde toupee….”
MORE DRAMATIC SILENCE
==Awards==
“Yes…as I was saying… or was I? Anyway, a lot has happened since our last broadcast, so I’ll run through the action before we get to out final live broadcast, which will tell us the best Actor, best Actress and best animal actor in a non-American movie. Firstly, the story of the last hour goes like this…”
*Best Director – Peter Docter (‘Monsters Inc.’). This caused an uproar after the French members of the institute told us we’d spelt Doctor wrong, very queer!
*Best Film – ‘The Mothman Prophecies’. After this award was accepted the director said in his speech, “We would have called it ‘The Butterfly Prophecies’ but our costume designer wasn’t the best with symmetry”.
*Best Supporting Actor – Ricky Tomlinson (‘Dave Bassett: England Manager’). Ricky was taking a well deserved holiday in Scunthorpe so he communicated with us via webcam. “I’m in shock”, he said, “I thought Penelope Cruz would win”.
*Best Supporting Actress – Ian McKellen (‘Lord Of The Rings’). After picking up his second of the night Ian said, “I knew I shouldn’t have switched to Loreal, I did want to bring out my feminine side but not this much. Thanks to my fish Mark for making me audition for stage school when I was 10”.
*Best Song from a Film – Lady Marmalade (‘Moulin Rouge’). After accepting the award Pink said, “My goodness I never realised that the film was out”.
Now to the final live broadcast, in which we will find out the best Actor, best Actress and best animal actor in a non-American movie. Now I will present the audience with the special guest who will be giving out the awards this evening, it’s Vincent Van Gough!
LOUD APPLAUSE
Hi Vincent, how’s the ear?”
Vincent: “What? I can’t hear you! Speak up young son!”
Tim: “So how old are you now Vincent?”
Vincent: “Very cold, yes very cold, in my day we used to wear squirrel fur coats but obviously they’re now extinct.”
Tim: “Anyway, let’s get on with the awards!”
===Best Actress===
Vincent: “The nominees for the best Actress award are: Britney Spears (‘Crossroads’), Renee Zellweger (‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’), Nicole Kidman (‘Moulin Rouge’) and Ian McKellen (‘Lord of the Rings’).
And the winner is….
IRONIC SILENCE
Ian McKellen for ‘Lord of the Rings’!
BIGGER IRONIC SILENCE
Well, come on up Ian!”
(Many apples are thrown at Ian as he cruises up to the stage)
Ian: “Bloody people who do the nominations! I know what’s happening now, everybody thinks my name’s Jan.”
Slightly German-looking official: “Isn’t it?”
Ian: “No it’s bloody Ian!”
Slightly German-looking official: “Sh*t.”
(The official runs up some conveniently placed steps and disappears)
Ian: “Now that’s what I call an official emergency!
A POLITE SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
Oh, fine, I guess you’re not Scottish, I’ll just go then.”
(He walks down the steps with his head held as high as a giraffe and takes his seat)
===Best Actor===
Vincent: “Now to the nominees for the best Actor award
The nominees are: Tom Cruise (‘Vanilla Sky’), Russell Crowe (‘Beautiful Mind’), Sean Bean (‘Lord of the Rings’) and Jan McKellen (‘Lord of the Rings’).”
Ian: “Right that’s enough!”
(He exits, leaving behind his popcorn which Sean promptly nicks)
Vincent: “And the winner is….
Sean Bean!”
(Sean spits out his popcorn and takes his place in the history books by being the first man to ever fall off the red carpet while walking up to accept an award. Many women have done it before of course!)
Sean: “I’d like you all to know that I’m calling Baines and Ernst after this show because they can get you compensation for a trip or fall anywhere.”
CHORUS OF BOOS
Slightly tipsy alcoholic in the audience: “Hey stop nicking all the booze Sean, I want some for later!”
RUMBLE OF APPLAUSE
Sean: “Hey, we could generate electricity from that rumble. Haha!”
Audience: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
Sean: “Oh, sorry, please forgive me, it was only an idea, it wasn’t even my idea!”
(Sean runs hurriedly back to his seat)
===Animal Actor in non-American movie award===
Vincent: “And now to the final award, the best animal actor in a non-Amercian movie! Achu achu, sneeze sneeze, bleuf bleuf!”
American-looking female: “Hey look lads, it’s Vincent Van Cough!”
BIGGEST ROUND OF APPLAUSE YET
Vincent: “Anyway, the nominations are: Scabbers the Rat (‘Harry Potter’), Laika the Dog (‘First dog in space – the documentary’) and Ian McKellen (‘Lord of the Rings’)”
Sean: “Lord of the Rings? More like Lord of the Flies, none of you have sat next to him! He smells like a dodo and he attracts bluebottles.”
(Sean holds up two blue bottles of lager)
Vincent: “Yes….and the winner is….
Laika the dog!
Of course Laika has sadly passed away now, but Faika, daughter of Laika, daughter of Hand Shaika, is here to collect the award on her behalf.
We have specially hired a dog to human interpreter to interpret the language for us.”
DOG BARKS
Interpreter: “I am proudly here tonight to accept this award for my dear mother. It will sit proudly in my dog biscuit cupboard until I die. Any chance of some biscuits now?”
BARKS DESCEND INTO WHINES AND EVENTUALLY CEASE
Vincent: “And that’s the end of the MINGES for another year! My name’s Vincent Van Gough (Vince for short), signing off with my favourite song ‘Eye of the Hurricane’ by Blue Oyster Cult. Join in if you know the words! Ah… no-one.”
Tim Langemanger: “Now back to Mick Hobjob in the main studio in Telford.”
==Back to Telford==
“Welcome back, we will now finish off with the main news headlines…
NEWS BEAT IN BACKGROUND
News has just come in that actor/actress Ian/Jan McKellen will undergo a sex change. The news came after Tim Langemanger of the North East news broadcast a live showing of the MINGES awards in Tony Blair’s constituency of Sedgefield. It was there that McKellen picked up four awards, those being ‘Best Actress’, ‘Best Supporting Actress’, ‘Best Up-And-Coming Actress’ and the highly prestigious ‘Sexiest Robe’ award, which he picked up at the start of the evening.
In the last hour the Argentinean embassy in Cape Town was finally overthrown, but NOT by the highly feared Mongolian Inland Crabs. In fact it was the Southern Guatemalan Coastal Iguana Tribe who burst through the frontal gates of the embassy before charging inside and eating all the sugar cubes.
That’s it for yet another uneventful day. I’m Mick Hobjob and I don’t lose my nob-lob. Goodnight!”
News with Mick Hobjob