I Thought This Was A Normal Job, But It Turns Out I'm Now Part Of A Worldwide Agency

Hey guys, it's been awhile since my last post. Things have been really crazy around here, even crazier than the time in Part 123 when I died due to being betrayed by the actually evil worldwide ageny, and was brought back to life because of the true love from the threesome relationship I'm in with the big titty goth witch who turns out is not one of the bad guys (Charmaine) and the Japanese half-vampire waifu who also has big boobs (Yukitomi).
So,in the last part I'd left off just before we were going to attack the cult of the mold people town. Billy Badwick, the cult leader and mass murderer, had also managed to capture Charmaine and Yukitomi. I remember very well how it all went down, I can actually remember everything the cult leader said verbatim, which is convenient for the purposes of a written narrative!
Despite only being involved with this kind of stuff for like 6 months or so, I was able to break a padlock by hitting it with the stock of my M4A1 assault rifle with 5.56mm rounds and underslung 30mm grenade launcher. I also had a Desert Eagle in .50 AE caliber and a combat knife. I also had 10 30-round magazines for my M4A1, and 4 7-round magazines for my Desert Eagle (notice how I say magazines instead of clip? yeah, I know guns). By the way, I had a armor also. I was in black combat fatigues with military webbing that I held my gear/ammo in.
I crept through the vents. I was wearing a breathing mask to protect myself from inhaling the spores in the ventilation system. It was just like creeping through a vent in Metro: Exodus (which I somehow have had time to play and enjoy despite all the shit going on in my life). Anyway, I got through the vents.
I was in a huge underground chamber of stone. It was slimy and had stone flagstones on the floor and stone walls. Demonic symbols were everywhere. It was pitch black except for an area in the middle that was not. I could see Charmaine and Yukitomi-sama. They were both tied up, and also naked. I gazed at their huge pale tits and thick pale thighs, because it's important I mention how naked they are for some needless titillation.
Then Boffy Kadbik approached and made some rapey comments to them, because I'm a hack. Then the mold men appeared and began to approach. They were going to do something rapey - I'm a fucking hack, remember, with no idea how else to give a scene any real sense of horror or tension but that seems pretty bad right?
I attacked and after a huge fight I managed to defeat every one of the mold men. Somehow I wasn't infected with the spores after killing 50 of them because they're only infectious when the story needs them to be. God, this is such self-aggrandizing bullshit, how the hell is anyone going to be able to read through this shit? At least, that's what I'd be thinking if I was remotely self-aware.
Then the cult leader revealed that they had a daughter.... A half-demon daughter named Lilith, because of fucking course. She was really cute with big boobs and wore VERY tight leather. If you think she's going to make my threesome a foursome you're right, because I'm a male in my mid 20s trying to write horror about my boring self-insert.
She attacked me, and during the fight she tried to use her succubus powers. I could feel her tits pressing on me as she tried to kiss me. It gave me boner. When our lips touched, something went wrong because I was still under a protection spell from my girlfriends, and in fact it made her fall in love with me AND them.
However, Dilly Dadstick had escaped. There was an overly gratuitous and poorly written sex scene foursome because I don't understand tone, and then we went back to our super secure but really awesome safehouse that has a spa and indoor pool despite us also being on the lam from a worldwide agency that seeks to bring about the apocalypse for no reason other than they're evil, I haven't actually thought about that since half of this shit is made up on the fly and I've forgotten 80% of the previous contrived plot points and references, not to mention the story threads that just stopped because I got bored of them or ran out of ideas.
Anyway, it's time I finish this update. The ladies have all been making out on the huge bed while I've been writing this up, so it's time to go talk to them about our next move. I know, this one was a bit long, but that's fine by me since I correlate quality directly to quantity, as if it wasn't fucking obvious. Stay tuned for the next update, where for the 20th time I'll tease the beginning of some kind of climax - but don't worry, if this tiresome jerkfest ever does end, it'll be because I just stopped writing out of the blue because I got distracted by something.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep