Grotesque Gator of Chaos

The Grotesque Gator of Chaos is a large reptilian demon in the form of an average alligator that came up from deep underground to unleash a Hell upon the world the likes of which has been unfortunately seen before. Its origins are unknown and its exact native environment is based on rumor that it came from below the surface of the earth by about 40 or so miles down. A few eye witnesses who had escaped from certain death claimed that the gator was definitely in search of food and it considered humans a good source of protein, bone marrow, and cheese.
The general attitude of the gator was a basic evil villain type who just roam onto the scene as if it owned the place. It had no more clout than the evil lords of its time but it did get around. A total pushover if offered a buffet of everything non-vegetarian. The Military had used it to deploy missiles in underwater missions. The problem they faced wasn't so much the execution of delivering a loaded weapon on a gator such as this one, it was the fact that the gator would eat all the charred remains of the enemy after they were blown up.
The gator would often shed its skin in the summertime at the Disney Empire and then head into any nearby swamps and bogs to confront and battle with Bigfoot. The reptilian brain of the creature was so base, and so typical that even the military gave up on trying to train it for more complex situations. It was let go and dropped off at the North Port at the North Pole. It was so clueless that it waited around for a year before realizing it was too damned cold.
== Unusual Historic Findings ==
Since the origins of the reptile were unknown there were no entries made into any volume of any encyclopedia and it was left completely out of the fossil records. But there are plenty of rumors and gossip. The nasty business involving a dragon and some freaks was well outlined in several publications. Because of this, historians actually found some traces of where the scaly monster may have come from. At some point in time after the aliens were annihilated from Siberia and the hybrids of their race were relocated to Canada, the gator showed up and ran off anyone trying to turn its ancestors into luggage. It made a homestead there before a group of crazy Cajuns came along and trapped the gator, bringing it back to the swamplands of Louisiana. It stood to reason that the gator was obviously from the pits of Hell.
There was even an expedition into the pits of Hell and sure enough they found that the gator most likely came from there. Until proven otherwise, paleontologists chalked it up as just that. The long decent into dark depths and strange air pressure changes seemingly had no affect on the team, despite the instinct to jump at shadows, any kind of sudden sounds, and the sight of Nancy Pelosi. There are still many questions remaining. Rumors still circulated and the Book of Revelations (the uncensored edition) does clearly document that the gator of chaos was so vile and mean that even Bilbo Baggins left any mention of him out of his written account of his adventures. Bilbo could have written about the gator but instead chose to just talk about it, and reportedly passed down the details of what happened through word of mouth.
The slight argument with Gollum wasn't such a big deal. The irritating encounter with Smaug wasn't as bad as dealing with the gross and disgusting gator of chaos. From what the oral legends say, Bilbo knew there was a dragon that he would have to deal with when he set out on his adventure. But the slimy, overgrown lizard made any attempts by Bilbo to communicate with the dragon impossible. Bilbo and Smaug tried to talk in a civil manner to one another, but the gator kept threatening them and insulting their appearances. It was on account of this that the dragon was super pissed off and what lead to a situation that got worse.
== Wrecking the Reptiles ==
The chaotic gator, being grotesque, did cause as much chaos as it could have but what's more is that the humans and Cows With Guns got together and plotted the demise of the reptile. However there was a lot of confusion and some of the involved parties didn't make the distinction between the regular gators and general reptiles and the one entity known as the Grotesque Gator of Chaos. What happened next was nothing short of a huge, massive clusterfuck of colossal mistakes made by humans, cows, and the gator itself.
The gator was doing its usual stirring up trouble when the cows decided that a stampede was in order. They were in a field of snakes, turtles, and other related species, the unsuspecting reptiles had to hurry to get out of way. The humans saw this and ran to rescue the turtles, not caring too much about the snakes, and ended up getting flattened. It caused some raw feelings against the cows. Later after that event, the humans tried to explain to the cows that the real target was the lone gator of chaos that should have been mentioned prior. The cows responded with a typical moo. The cows were mad because they felt left out of the loop. Humans just expected that the cows would understand the differences between chaotic lizards and turtles and snakes. Cows were still mad, and it can be argued that they were right to be angry. And there was the fact that humans were still on trial for what they did to the cows.
The gator soaked all this up and mocked the cows. Then relentlessly tormented the humans about their pathetic attempts to bring in the pistol-packing bovine to take on the cold-blooded oversized goofy-looking gecko. This lead to a brawl. Which just happened to be in a bar. By the time the police were called in, they too were also dragged into the fray and ended up having to call in the forces that represented the United States of Earth. This in and of itself caused even more chaos, and snakes and turtles had to be taken off world just to save them.
== Boots, Bags, & Other Accessories ==
One thing the gator of chaos feared the most was being turned into something else. It was adept at conning people into doing its bidding when it came to religion. It found some perverse pleasure in getting ignorant people to do dumb things. Like sacrificing objects of wealth made of gold to itself. Having gotten the idea from the ancient story about Moses. Unfortunately it got the gator into more trouble and gold was hard to find. They would go shopping and buy cheap crap from China and give the stuff to the gator. This wasn't working out for the wannabe lord of chaos.
It was highly annoying to constantly be given things it just couldn't use. What it really wanted were the keys to passageways underground, but the Devil kept ordering it to get lost. Strange that a reptile and a red-caped, hoof-wearing deity of evil would be at odds. But they were. Having to find ways past underground checkpoints and toll booths, the gator was treading dangerous ground. Without intentionally inviting trouble, which is weird for a creature that's synonymous with chaos, it was taken as its own sacrifice and made into a bag by Paul Bunyan.
This angered the gator and it felt betrayed by its followers who laughed uncontrollably. This still had surprising advantages, though. It could now travel as its own luggage or handbag and never be noticed. Some of it was even made into other things, but it couldn't find all of itself to pull together. Bent on its goal to snap the underworld deity's sense of tranquility, it stole the keys to the underground and kept them in itself. It made its way through tunnels and cavern lakes where the glowy fish lead it to the secret stash of gold kept there by the devil himself. The gator took it and just walked out the gates of Hell. Stupid Hell didn't have security guards. It deserved it.
== Everyone Wises Up, Sort Of ==
After having amassed its fortune by carrying off the devil's hoarded gold, the gator moved to the Nile and decided to terrorize tourists and the locals, as well. This started to become a problem. A real problem since it was interfering with the government brainwashing center and information desk. There were reports of people disappearing when last seen near a pile of luggage. One guy, who we'll refer to as Mr. Bean, was investigating the Nile for chaotic gators, river mosquitoes, and exotic mermaids when he noticed a bag that seemed to get larger with each disappearance.
Mr. Bean went to some random cops all hysterical and was hyperventilating and talking so fast that they couldn't understand what he was on about. It wasn't until the cops and other bystanders witnessed for themselves the gator rushing up at the shore and started telling Mr. Bean off and calling him a Crazy Little Thing Called Lunch that people understood how bad the situation really was. When people saw this and uploaded the video clips of it, everyone avoided the strange luggage that hung out on the river. Even people who weren't even there avoided it like a river with a nasty reptilian lying in wait for them. The gator was disappointed now that its cover had been blown. The chaotic reptile had no other disguise and had to rent itself out via the internet website BagBorroworSteal.com.
This only lasted so long. The nature of the gator was grotesque and chaotic. Complaints about it throwing up when stuffed with cosmetics, keys, and other personal items like gold from deep underground was lodged against it. It was disgusting. But the chaos it would cause turned everyone against anything made out of it. Everyone who enjoyed luxury bags and boots went with leather from then on. Mr. Bean re-emerged to inform everyone that the cows were planning another stampede and this time they were coming after everyone. The gator seemed satisfied with that.
== See Also ==
*Reptilian Agenda
Category:Things that may be out to get you