The Jeopardy Theory

Y'know, I was always a fan of jeopardy. But there's a secret episode of Jeopardy you've probably never heard of. Many people don't know that Alex Trebek is part of the free masons, a group that secretly controls the United States. I was able to get my hands on the tape because I worked at the studio where Jeopardy aired in the 90's. It's a VHS that's been sitting on my mantle for the better half of the decade. It just sits there, staring. Taunting me, in its way. I finally found a working VHS player at a garage sale, so I dusted the old VHS off, pulled it out of its ancient slipcase and popped 'MR2 Jeopardy?', with a question mark, into my ancient VHS player.
When I was a kid, I liked Jeopardy because Alex Trebek reminded me of my late grandfather. But in this episode, Alex Trebek seemed a little bit more nervous. Part of his mustache was missing, his eyes were beady and he was visibly shaking. If anything, I could say the man was disheveled. Little did I know just how disheveled he was. I heard the familiar Jeopardy theme play, but it was an octave lower than usual. There was something fuzzy in the background. It looked like a visual artifact that usually gets cut out in post production.
Anyway, it didn't matter. I kept watching as Alex Trebek greeted everyone. As Susan, the first contestant, started to talk about herself, Alex abruptly said "That's nice." And immediately cut to the categories. "The categories are: 'Things that Rhyme with Watch', 'A Certain Hairy Figure', 'Don't Give Me No Sass', 'Potent Potables', and 'The North American Ape.'" Strange list of categories, I thought. But I pressed on out of sheer morbid curiosity.
"Steve, you're up first." There was nobody in the group named Steve. "Allen, sorry, I'm a little blind." The camera cut back to Alex Trebek. One of his eyes was closed and it looked like it had been squirted with lemon juice of some sort.
"I'll take 'Things that Rhyme with Watch' for $200, Alex."
"You don't have to say my name." Alex replied, in a rather terse manner. Something was off about Mr. Trebek. "It's hairy, and It rhymes with watch." There was no answer. Then, someone buzzed in late.
"What is the North American Sasquatch?"
Alex Trebek started to scream! He screamed as though he was covered in spiders, though there were no visible spiders on his body. He leered behind the set. "C-correct. Sean... your turn."
"D- don't give me no sass for $200."
Alex paused. "It lives in the forest and eats babies." There was just a long pause.
"W- what is the north American Sasquatch?"
Alex jumped as though he was going to pop. "... Very good. You're up."
"Don't give me no sass for $400." The camera turned and there was clearly no live studio audience. ... What the hell was going on in this episode?
"It's angry, hairy, and it lives in the woods."
The man buzzed in and sighed. "It's the Sasquatch again... isn't it, Alex?"
"Remember to phrase your answer in the form of a question." He corrected Sean.
Sean sighed. "WHAT IS THE NORTH AMERICAN SASQUATCH!?", he hollered.
Each contestant buzzed in, and the answer was always the same: "What is the North American Sasquatch?" It became disturbing after a full ten minutes of this.
Finally, Alex Trebek seemed to pop. "WHO IS THE NORTH AMERICAN SASQUATCH!?" ... Hmm, they phrased it with 'who' instead of 'what'.
All of a sudden, Alex Trebek started to scream violently. "WHO?", he screamed. "WHO!?". He immediately ripped his shirt, off as a popping noise occurred. Alex Trebek's body burst apart like bloody confetti, as a hairy creature jumped out! It was the Sasquatch! The Sasquatch chased the entire group around the studio audience, clawing at and killing them by slashing their jugulars.
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Category:THERY
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Category:Stupid is as the main character does