Jeff Bezos

Jeff Semi-Blind Baezelbos (1995-2020) was Amazon.com made flesh, sacrificing his only begotten son as a living scapegoat to justify the sins of humanity against God. Many speculate the he was the result of some Djinn's curse where someone asked "I wish to be the wealthiest person in the world, but make it so I'm totally oblivious to anyone outside myself so I lose my humanity and uttery ruin myself and the whole world so I can act as a shining example of how not to live as a human being for all generations after me, then learn my slow hard lesson later as I reflect on what I'd frittered my life on Earth away for, eternally, in the cold, dark, depths of Hell". BeffJezos is typically the first thing that pops up on any of 'those sites' you visit, because he is the guy fucking everyone on the planet right now. He owes me $150,000 every half hour for the rest of my entire life. He owes everyone their entire year's salary every 15 minutes, which is nothing short of what he stole from us. 
Evidence shows that back in the 1990's it used to be possible to make a living being a simple saxophonist in a band, animate your LSD trip and have it aired on Sesame Street, be a paranormal investigator or something and make like $120,000 a year and still have enough extra for a shore house and a little boat to sail around in. Now, due to Facebook and Amazon's Memetic Warfare Campaign, the middle class has shrunk so much that nobody has any boats, but Jeff and his kin all have fleets of yachts. FLEETS OF YATCHS. He has enough personal wealth to hire and fire a new personal servant every day for the rest of his life. And that's alot of money!
==Early Life==
Who gives a shit? The guy is a fucking evil criminal & is out of control! Someone with that much power and so clearly irresponsible by withholding it ought to consider... maybe... kind and powerful Jeff... to relinquish all the wealth on the planet to the people it actually belongs to, and maybe share it a little, maybe Jeff? If the master is not too busy with whatever it is he is enjoying so much, then maybe... just this once... It might be a good idea to, sir, when big baby has a few moments away from having everything any domesticated primate could have possibly ever wanted in the history of existence, ALL TO THEMSELVES, the rest of us would like to maybe have some of it back, with your permission of course, please, Mr. Jeff. Oh, Kind and Handsome Jeff. 
==Jeff's Insane Botnet==
Jeff has racks and racks of servers, in massive server farms, which are all heating up the planet, which he rents out to people, but mostly uses them as a weapon aimed at you. For every box shipped from Amazon, there is just that much less of the real Amazon Rainforest, just so people can feel middle-class enough to order stuff to their rented apartment. Life is supposed to be about ordering more stuff from Jeff and snitching to his little listener thing, and directly surrendering your freedoms for maximum convenience.
This remarkable fellow that you all worship simply bought more computing power than you, and used it to mine all your data, and you bought in to it like a sucker. Between Jeff, Google, and Alphabet Soup, they can crunch so much data about you it'll make your head spin. You think they need you to sign up to track you? They have a shadow profile make up about you & they've run 100 war game scenarios against the best you could possibly do. They are even satellite tracking this conversation right now!
==Uhh, Uhh, Uhh... The Pentagon!==
Yeah! And Uhh... You know who else is in on it?
This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory, which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence of. The black helicopters arenot^on their way.
==Everyone Make Excuses for Him==
Jeff figured out how to exploit and subjugate every single person on the surface of the earth and force them into tiny rented cubes and charge them to for the right to work, using his wacky big data collecting computer, XD and his wonderful amazing talented skills and hard work got him there! Totally, and oh can't forget, "Job Creator". He is just a regular guy like me, with all the special advantages playing the market, I mean NO special advantages, like not operating his business at a loss for 12 years, which is something anyone can do when they start their small business.
 I mean everyone has the same opportunity in the free market of ideas world which is totally real and exists, h-he just p-played, uhm, p-played the free market uhm t-that's all. He just worked hard y'know, behind his funny little desk, like he was just a guy, and that's how uhm CEO's y'know make their uhm, like, their money? The fridge sure is looking empty this month, and I work 50-60 hours/ week just to get by, but the top CEO's keep getting trillions in bailout money?
God bless America, the greatest country in the world, where your average rich bald white guy can work his way up to the top with just the shirt on his back, no skin off my nose, or whatever it is you people say. Freedom and independence, to be utterly beholden to this dill-weed. You know I hate it when you bring this shit up, you gotta work and that's it, I don't wanna talk about this anymore, AND I'M GOING TO MY F_____!@#%G ROOM!
==The Literal Truth==
Literally, like, uhm literally literally literally just Jeff and Bill have everyone's money, and, uhm, they are literally having a great time with it at your expense. Literally like literally just uhm like everyone who is not Jeff is in the same economic class, that means the people in extreme poverty are in the same, exact same economic class as billionares. LITERALLY everyone who is not in the same economic class as Jeff has a class ally in every person they see who is not Jeff. Literally he owns The Washington Post so literally he gets to control the narrative of what gets said about him and literally try to go up against it and you will literally never stand up to his team of lawyers. 
*Literally his HQ2 plan had cities give up all of their literal data about how they are going to plan the next 5-10 years and literally that's a literal unfair advantage that other companies do not have
*he literally gets corporate welfare and quite literally everyone still will want to punch down on poor people because brand loyalty has become the civil religion, literally!
*"Alexa, literally alienate me from my own surplus value and give it to literal bloodsucking vampires"
*literally, and for the record this is a very BAD one, so literally brace yourself but: corporate and state merger which Sonic sez is no good.
*such statements are not figurative, conceptual, diminutive, or allegorical but are to be taken as LITERAL.
==Jeff needs to get his bald head cut off==
He's not "cool" or looking out for your best interest, it's not "success" to even try to be anything like him. Stop giving your money to Jeff, and symptoms of Jeff will disappear overnight. Be sure to take your prescribed dose of Anti-Allowing Any And All Advocacy Allowances At All to Jeff, and get Instant Results. What do you think of a guy that gets a guillotine rolled up to his estate? Are people just doing that for no reason? Could it be the same reason that people calling themselves "The Anti-Fascists" came out around the same time Donald Trump was elected, but people swear up and down that he is not a fascist?
We know that Jeff is always seen in screenshots of articles, titled "Looks like the guy charged with protecting crony capitalism did another 'oopsie' with unions again", usually looking like a sly fuckhead thinking he can get away with it... Well then, guess what? Um... That's not very nice! And maybe you should give up being a massive hoarder. Also look up what a psychopath is.
==See Also==
*Professor X
*Bald
*Evil
*Louis XIV of France
Category:Stupidly rich people
Category:Billionaires
Category:Rulers of the World
Category:Nasty Right Wing Bastards
Category:Amazon (company)
sk:Jozef Bazoš