Who put the 'bop' in the 'bop sh-bop sh-bop'?

In 2003, mankind was living a lie. They had all the conveniences they needed to live productive lives, but they were empty. Luckily, science stepped in before those damn Mormons could say anything, and told people that all they needed to do was figure out who put the 'bop' in the 'bop sh-bop sh-bop.
This, however, was going to be harder than expected.
==The Bop==
Scientists across the globe joined forces to first discover what the bop was. After surveying law enforcement agencies across the world, they discovered that bop was Argentinian slang for cocaine. With this lead firmly in hand, they were on their way to a breakthrough.
==The Sh-Bop Sh-Bop==
Unfortunately, this next question was to be harder than expected. Scientists searched through phone books for nearly every region of the globe, except Africa where they're too poor to have phones, but no Sh-Bop Sh-Bop turned up. They searched the Internet, but no users matched the name.
Finally, they turned to Latin, where they were able to translate sh-bop sh-bop as the third waterboy from the left. Nothing could stop them now.
==The Third Waterboy From the Left==
Scientists then studied old pictures of sports teams. They found their next lead in a photo of the 1974 Minnesota Vikings, portraying several young waterboys. The third from the left was identified as Cecil Haskins, then 42, of Los Angeles. Scientists invaded Cecil's house and interrogated him for hours until he finally cracked and admitted to being a drug trafficker during his youth for a shady Argentinian cartel known as Los Burros Blancos, or The White Ponies. However, he had lost touch with them after he had moved and they switched their phone numbers, and he never got their new cell phone numbers.
The next piece in a harrowing puzzle had fit into place, but there was still much work to be done.
==Los Burros Blancos==
Feeling a bit big for their britches, the group of scientists flew to Argentina, to the large city of Buenos Salsa. They tracked down the warehouse where the Burros operated from, and got involved in a gunfight. Several of the brave scientists were lost, but the Burros were decimated, thanks in part to Prof. Irwin R. Finkelstein's skills with a switchblade in close combat, learned from his childhood in Harlem.
Only one cartel member survived, and he pointed the finger at L. Ron Hubbard and the Church of Scientology as their frontrunners. He was then killed by a stray bullet while a shadowy figure ran off in the distance.
==The Battle of Scientology==
The scientists, in depleted numbers, launched an all-out offensive attack against the Church of Scientology, located in Omaha, Nebraska. They firebombed the large structure, waiting for its inhabitants to come scurrying out like ants. What happened next, they could not be prepared for.
Tom Cruise, with his Grand General Katie Holmes, led an army of scientologists against the scientists. He was said to give an emotional, motivational speech while an orchestral score played in the background, but this speech has been lost to history.
It was a fierce battle between science and scientologists, but it eventually came down to each side choosing one warrior to settle the score in battle. The scientologists chose their Goliath, Mr. Cruise. The scientists chose their littlest member, Baby Einstein. Cruise laughed at his minuscule opponent, saying he would crush the nonbeliever like a grape. Baby Einstein spit up on himself and gurgled. Cruise advanced with a mighty roar, preparing to club the small infant with a copy of Dianetics. Baby Einstein recited "E=MC squared." The sheer blunt force of logic caved in Cruise's head, and the battle was won for science.
==The Aftermath==
The scientists and the world celebrated. The feared tyrant Tom Cruise was dead, cocaine was off the streets, and the world finally knew that it was indeed L. Ron Hubbard who put the bop in the bop sh-bop sh-bop.
Category: Vexing Scientific ConundrumsCategory: ConspiraciesCategory: Drugs