Chameleon Cockroach of Calamity

The Chameleon Cockroach of Calamity is an average cockroach with the most bizzare ability to blend in with any environment that it chooses to when it's in danger. Hatched in a labratory by mad scientists the cockroach exhibited strange behavior and attempted to kill the team's leader Dr Frank von Arschebaum. It failed to scare the evil doctor but it had the presence of mind to know that it could outnumber the sadistic scientists and then eat them.
Growing for months on end in a repurposed fish tank, the roach developed skills like no other roach in the world. It could emit sounds that mimicked other bugs, and then honed its skill to sqeak like a rat, pant like a wolf, and moo like a cow. This would propel the roach into a whole species of its own, since it wouldn't be long until the pest was able to almost appear as these same animals. Although it could only emulate smaller versions of them, with the obvious cockroach antennae and creepy insect legs.
The mad scientists that recorded its development were stunned when it began mimicking the radio and sung all the songs featured on the local hitparade. It could sing anything from The Beatles to Mozart's most difficult opera productions. It never seemed to cross any of the so-called scientists' minds that Mozart was being broadcast on a contempary hitparade radio show. The cockroach noticed. And from there, set out to grab the full experience of being alive and seeking to knock the parrot off the #1 spot for repeating whatever may be said by anyone within earshot. It had learned how to curse, so it was already gaining ground.
== Survivors ==
The cockroach species had effortlessly made it through the Ice Age, whatever killed all the dinosaurs, and a Nuclear Holocaust. With such ease, the bug was a skillful master of adapting to any situation that nothing could destroy it entirely. Individually the roach was easily killed, even a can of Raid Bug Killer would be deadly to it, but as a multitude this thing was unstoppable. It was said to have been the source of what caused the destruction of Atlantis.
The chameleon nature of this singular cockroach would prove to be very problematic and extremely troublesome for humans and animals everywhere. Mostly humans. Animals weren't afraid of bugs, but humans were. Especially of cockroaches. The only other bug that exceeded the fear factor of humans was any kind of spider. Their survival of world-ending events may have been due to humans abandoning fallout shelters if they were infested with cockroaches, and as a rule would rather risk exposure to radiation than to sleep in a little concrete area where the nightmare would be worse than say, being burned into a melting blob of flame and charred flesh.
The chameleon cockroach made good use of this knowledge and proceeded to claim many houses and hotels until it could find a suitable living space. It had its eye on the White House until a bigger outhouse could be constructed and feature the same politicians that made the place their home and epicenter of control and headquarters for The Empire. By that time, the ever-changing cockroach had managed to wipe out swaths of neighborhoods by simply showing up with its friends. The roach knew there was strength in numbers and had a massive group at its beckoned call. But the politcians were bothering the roach and so it set out to get them. It would be damned if it was going to allow these silly parasitical bitches stay in power only to sign it up to be used by the military industrial complex, false flags, and menu items in Charles Schwab's food program.
== A Can of RAID ==
As humans were obviously hellbent in killing all roaches everywhere, the chameleon declared war on the entire human race. They got crafty and sneaky. Much to the chagrin of the roaches. “Raid Bug Killer” was a top selling item and it was dropping roaches by the millions. But the roaches and their illustrious leader, the chameleon cockroach had plans of their own. Building up an immunity to the bug poison, they would taunt people with using the cans of deadly spray to wax their wings with and other medicinal purposes. But the chameleon bugger was even more depraved and began sneaking into closets and watched its prey sleep through cracked doors and partitions. After a while it became fruitless. Anyone who would notice would claim that a boogyman was responsible for the weird sounds. As a rule, roaches hate the boogyman for stealing their thunder.
And there were bigger problems coming down the line for the bug invaders. Raid started producing such a deadly concoction that no roach would escape. Even when the humans operating the stuff would need emergency treatment if it accidentally came into contact with them. Raid didn't care. They saw the chance for ultimate success and started marketing cans of plutonium and nuclear waste just for laughs. It would continue as long as cockroaches and ants, spiders, and all other pests persisted. Raid's goal was to annihilate all of them. Even if it resulted in friendly fire of those they wanted to save. Most humans were in agreement with Raid's conquest, even when some of them were injured, disabled, or killed themselves.
== Identity Crisis & Confirmation ==
At some point in its life, the chameleon wasn't entirely happy with the ability to appear as random other species like the praying mantis, a garden variety spider, or even a king cobra. It even managed to swell up to the size of a Mac truck at one point. The calamity that that caused was significant. But it had dreams and ambitions. It wanted more. More than just the ability to strike fear into the hearts of mankind. And annoy common household pets. It longed for the good life, and wanted to be involved in groups of many types. Swarms of bees. Locusts. It wanted to soar with the Eagles and lumber through the air with the buzzards. It wanted equal treatment with the rest of the ecosystem of all living things. But it wanted to be the god lord emperor of all of them, too.
Seeking therapy for who it really was, the chameleon cockroach went in to see a shrink as a spider monkey. Talking non stop to the shrink and then mimicking the shrink until the shrink needed therapy. Eventually its cover was blown and it was chased out of the doctor's office. As it ran out of the building, 900 people ran out screaming their heads off. Tripping over each other until they were clear of the roach. This was something the insect was used to and while it must have been satisfying for it, still it couldn't help but feel lonely and accursed.
It was seriously having doubts about its own purpose in life and questioned the cruel fate it had been subjected to by the mad scientists that made it what it was. Wanting to know why it was chosen to be there as it preened and pruned the scattered remains of wreckage from its wings of the 19 car pile up it had caused earlier. Ignoring all the sirens and screams, it ducked into a bar disguising itself as Dennis Rodman. The barkeeper was suspicious of the customer, and said he looked familiar. When the chameleon revealed its true self, the barkeep sighed and simply stated that he met Dennis Rodman once and was a huge fan. Adding that he was glad he stopped taking those hormone pills that caused him to look like a basketball player.
== The Big Parade ==
The chameleon bug scurried over the seas and oceans and eventually came upon a colony of Leprechauns. They didn't seem afraid of it at all. They acted as if they see roaches all the time. Of course, in the leprechaun colony's defense, they were mistaking it for a Roman soldier, with his armor on. The roach explained that it wanted to live freely as a regular cockroach and didn't want to be discriminated against anymore. That it didn't want people to be phobic about it or its fellow cockroaches. The little green men agreed to help it and its friends to settle in and made them feel welcome.
When all the roaches friends arrived, the leprechauns realized that it may be a problem since there were so many of them. So they hatched an idea to help them locate foster families that could assist them in adapting to the new species that wanted to live in harmony among them. The leprechauns and the roaches all gathered at Leprechaun Castle and planned an event to help them ease into their new environment and have the people's blessing in accepting them. They would call it the Cockroach Pride Parade. It was suggested that the name should be changed to exclude the word roach as the chameleon didn't want anyone to feel frightened and to come celebrate and party with them.
So the leprechauns organized the parade, sent out flyers, and posted banners (with the word Roach omitted) and people were excited to attend the parade. Especially the gay community and straight women alike. This parade drew a massive crowd. The roaches waited in the castle for their big moment. When the gates swung open the roaches being lead by their chameleon boss (as itself) ran all along the main street and tried to embrace the cheering crowd. But no sooner had the crowd saw the roaches approaching and speeding toward them, that the cheering would soon turn into screams of terror, trampling, and a major calamity.
By the end of it all, the castle was investigated by the health inspector. The local police put out an alert for the capture of all the roaches and offered an award of one million in gold, and the leprechauns were being sued for false advertisement. The chameleon roach and his friends hid out in various ports along the coast, and eventually made their way to India. The people there weren't like people in the rest of the world. The Kali followers were all too happy to welcome the roaches as they prepared feasts that would include them as one of many, spicy ingredients. Rumor has it that half the roaches and the chameleon force to be reckoned with, escaped Kali and her weird-ass followers.
== See Also ==
*Boy George
*Holy Shit
Category:Things that may be out to get you
Category:Things that are definitely out to get you