The Jar Man

Most people are unfortunate enough to fall prey to murderers and monsters and other spine-chilling ghouls and monsters. But I was unfortunate enough to fall prey to a different kind of horror. My name is Esben Walterson, and this is the story of an encounter I had with an evil beyond all evils that exists in my local area. The Jar Man.
I live in Thunder Bay, Canada. It was a snowy morning during the winter. I woke up at 6:00 AM, got up, got ready and went outside to go to work. As I was making my way to my vehicle, my neighbor, who was shoveling snow off their walkway looked over at me and said her usual greeting. We conversed a minute until it was time for me to depart. But before I left, she got my attention and gave me a warning. She told me to keep safe tonight, for on every December 6th, a local cryptid from a local urban legend known as the Jar Man visited a house in Thunder Bay. And those who lived in the houses he visited were often found dead or nearly so.
I was familiar with this urban legend because I've lived here for all my life. I didn't believe in urban legends, I always thought they were hocus pocus. Well, later at night, my view on urban legends was about to be changed tremendously.
After a long day of work, I finally got back home at around 8:43 PM. I got into more comfortable clothes, fed my dog, and sat down at my favorite chair to watch some television. It was about 9:58 PM when I decided to go to bed. The last thing I remember before falling asleep was setting an alarm to wake up. 
Then, I heard something that woke me up. The sounds of my dog barking. I got up and looked at the time, it was 3:00 AM. Then, my dog stopped barking and made some other strange sounds. I heard something that gave me a chill. The sounds of bone crunching. I immediately jumped up and pulled a hockey stick out from under my bed. Whoever just hurt my dog was getting an ass beating, that was all I thought, until... I noticed something on the floor. White liquid.
In the local urban legend of the Jar Man, he is said to be a tall figure, notably overweight, who enters homes through windows and steals peoples eyes. According to the legend, he eats the eyes and drains the intraocular fluid inside them all over the place. I was beginning to get scared. 
I walked over to the door and peeked to look down the hallway. I could see light coming from the end of my hallway, from the kitchen. I stepped out into the hallway and started to slowly walk down it. As I did, I stepped on something which I thought was just the white liquid. I looked down, and to my horror, saw crumb sized chunks of... something. 'Oh my god... he shredded my dog all over the place...' I thought. These crumb sized chunks were brown and dark, like the fur of my dog.
I continued down until I reached the end of the hallway. I could hear the bone crunching louder. I could even hear the sounds of something chewing on something else, the sounds of this horrid munching echoed through my head. Then I decided to peek out from the hallway and look into the kitchen. 
Bad mistake.
Once I peered my head to look at the source of the noise, I saw the single most horrific thing I've ever saw. A terror beyond comprehension. A vile, monstrous, blood-curdling, eldritch horror unlike any other that could be seen. 
A tall, fat figure wearing a red tuxedo and top hat, with a golden monocle. And I could see now his skin was gray, almost in a vampiric way. This was the Jar Man, exactly as the legend described. The white liquid in my hall was dripping down his face, it looked to be as if he drank it. It was dripping down his clothes and he didn't seem to care. After all, what abominable entity has proper manners?
I could see this fearsome beast's face, cheeks and lips were covered in the same crumb sized chunks I saw in my hallway. 
Then, I saw the worst part... his disgusting hands... were inside my cookie jar... I could only watch in horror as this fiend pulled out one of the chocolate chip cookies... and devoured it in a sloppy way... this was a nightmare...
This demon before me then raised a glass filled with milk to his face and drank of it to wash down the piece it bit off of the innocent cookie it murdered... it continued... it continued until the cookie jar and my milk bag was empty...
I looked down to the right and saw my dog... lying down on the floor... chewing on a bone... my best friend... my sweet dog... coerced into silence... bribed into not barking by the monster with but the simple offering of a bone that was flavored like ham... how could he betray me like this?
I was petrified... I couldn't move... I was shaking... I had never been this scared in my life...
Then... the Jar Man... it turned and looked at me... and then it said in a hellish tone... in it's demonic language...
"*BURP* Je vous remercie pour les cookies."
Before I knew it, the Jar Man had vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving no trace of himself... and an empty cookie jar. I fell to the floor, breathing heavily, sweating, trying to calm myself down after having such a ghastly experience. When I regained composure, I immediately cleaned up this horrible mess the Jar Man left behind and went back to bed.
The next morning, when I was leaving to work again, my neighbor greeted me as usual. As I was about to leave, I looked over at my neighbor. She looked back, then she said something to me as I was about to roll my cars window up.
"Hide your jar and cookies next December 6th, or you might again encounter the fabled... Jar Man..." 
That is the story of the Jar Man and the experience I had with him. If you are reading this... hide your cookies next December 6th... or your cookies may fall prey to the unspeakable horror of the heinous Jar Man as well...
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Category:Satire
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