nyuuzyou/wikis huggingface dataset:
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/276

I have noticed in analytic case studies that there is the recurring phenomenon of a period of early euphoria. Most analysts including Bob consider this as a general feeling of relief now that ventilation has been achieved. And nearly all analysts proceed to talk of the problems which follow next, the depressions and anxieties which come back, the plateaus, the “hangings.” 
I wonder if this is not due to the fact that psychoanalysis is -oriented. I have the feeling that my present euphoria is more than just ventilation. I may retreat of course because it is frightening. I may suffer all of the above setbacks, but I wonder: I am analyzing myself in order to become a real rebel, not just an adjusted rebel. (Notice the just in adjusted.) And so I have the confidence that my self-analysis may be less painful and that the euphoria may not be lost entirely. What I suspect is that in most analyses, the initial successes (whether they come in the first two weeks or only after three years) are the genuine thing, the S is weakened, the is encouraged. But afterward, the analyst locked in his S-concepts, begins—whether he realized it or not—to fight the H and encourage the S. 
No wonder the patient gets so balky and suffers so much. The patient has been given a glimpse of heaven only to have papa take it away again. Returned to the sensuous wisdom of childhood the analysand is required to grow up again, to become the loud conceited individual full of projects and plans with no more promised than the adjusted maturity, the world of S. Of course analysis is feeling its panic. 
The world of S is the world of the atom bomb. Society is destruction. Everybody knows it today. Just as the F.B.I. is losing its grip because it is being flooded with sensitivity, so analysis is approaching a crisis and rebel-analysts like Bob are popping up all over the place. In the very madness of a Bergler is the exacerbated desperation of what is really a very sensitive man.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/277

Let me put it this way: One of the basic analytic concepts is that the id forces are repressed by the ego and super-ego because they are too horrible to bear. I think that is true only until the euphoric phase takes place. Thereafter, in a conventional analysis, a transfer occurs within the patient, it is the id or what I prefer to call the (being more healthy) which becomes the censor, the resistance. Deeply it knows that it is being tricked, being called forth in order to be converted from H to . So H forces censor the H. Of a sudden the patient does not want to give up his neurosis. Of course not. Beneath the S, the H is very alive in a neurotic. Over and over again most analysts are haunted by the suspicion that their adjusted patients have lost something very vital. Indeed, that is why there is not to my knowledge a single example of a talented writer who did better work after his analysis. The rebel in him was quieted too much.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/278

I know now why I was never able to study exhaustively things which interested me. Particularly psychoanalysis. I have always been a reader and a studier in bits and pieces. It is because deep within me I sensed the wisdom of the old saw reversed. “ knowledge is a dangerous thing.” —Norman Mailer. I am not pleading for no knowledge, nor too little knowledge, but to learn a subject exhaustively is to give oneself a vested interest in it. It makes it that much more difficult to see it in a new way, to be creative. No wonder critics are critics and novelists are novelists.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/279

Clues, mysteries, puns, double-entendres, jokes, paradoxes, affectations, secret societies, pompousness, word games, cross-word puzzles, charades are all folk expressions of the total violence done human nature for thousands of years. The always peeps through the , it is undeniable, it must express itself in no matter how tortured a form. The pompous man, the extraordinarily pompous man, is trying to teach people. He wears a mask which is the caricature of himself. Indeed one’s personality is always the caricature of oneself. So the pompous man is at bottom a loather of society, a potential destroyer. He is so bound to society that he cannot express himself in another way, but a part of him is always saying, “Look at me, look how ridiculous I am. If you are taken in by what I once believed, then you too will look like me, and will be able to teach only by driving people away.”
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/280

In this sense, we are all part of a total soul, and even as we seem to be hurting each other, we are helping each other, instructing, aiding. Adele’s mother loved life, was frustrated by early marriage, and in her own way she loved Adele. Deeply she loved Adele so much that she made life unbearable at home for Adele so that Adele would go out into the world and not have the bitch of a life Consuela had known. And this is true for Adele’s father too. 
Society has so perverted us with its notions that we are always brooding about the damages other people have done to us. But everything is a double, and as we feel something one way in ourselves so its opposite echoes in another part of our being ( vs. ). Love contains the echo of the trap and of death; hatred offers a ticket to romantic places, a trip into life. That is why today at a time when society is changing and adapting every day, becoming almost as sensitive as life itself since human needs are so great, the majority of people consciously feel hate, and love is a sticky word. How true. Love sticks. Hatred flies. The human wisdom buried in the cliché. 
For the intuitive sensual life wisdom of the H can express itself in society only in degraded forms. So the wisest things are said in jokes, in clichés, in faulty art-works, in parables and paradoxes. Great art-works are enormous sociostatic defenses against H-forces. No matter how radical or revolutionary the writer may be, or the artist, his work is less radical than his H. Art is a homeostatic excretion, and in the faults of an art work, the shoddy passages, the scenes which did not come off, or the overblown prose, is concealed the soul of the artist.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/281

If the above sounds very fancy (the pompous man, the nasty mother) let it be remembered that animal life poses enigmas unless understood this way. The gentle pussy cat slaps her kittens away, the dove throws her fledglings into the air, and so forth. Life invents, life adapts, life fights stasis. In a hostile environment life must be aggressive to remain alive. A commonplace, but the same cat defends her kittens when danger is near. In the hostile environment of man’s life, the pompous man drives away his children in order to give life to them, yet also defends them. The reason I found it hard to love Susy when she was born is that I was such a sociostatic radical (in my top drawer) that I wanted the State to provide for her.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/284

Little confirmations of 282. Everybody complains that the youth in college are less iconoclastic today, and more conformist. (Only Max Lerner likes their calm judicious appraisal of the job as a marriage, and marriage as a job.) But, of course. The talented adolescents today sheer away from experts and go toward hipsterism. Colleges are frightening to them because colleges have become factories to manufacture experts. Out of colleges the youth are less conformist.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/285

I have to face something. Just as the pompous man encourages rebellion, so I wonder if I as the enfant terrible, the pint-sized Hitler, the outrageous radical, am not encouraging conformity. I take out the Lipton’s, and people who were previously drawn to me flee the house. Possibly, my mother planted her deep conservative seeds. Certainly, there is a vast conservative echo in me, and the expression of my may be that I am now stating my thought in its most outrageous terms in order that other people conform. I think this is true, but I do believe in the predominance of the . All the S can do now is hurt me, waste me, make me do foolhardy things. But since I am expressing things which have to do with life and with man’s goodness so people who flee come back again. The only thing is that if I keep on the way I’m going, they’ll have to come to visit me during jail hours.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/286

Dialogue: Yesterday, Hiram Haydn called me and in his Abe Lincoln voice started to felicitate me on the Putnam deal.
Haydn: Congratulations, boy, you made it.
Mailer: You mean, they made it.
Haydn: (Pause) You’ll have to forgive me, Norman. My manners are a little off today.
It was wonderful. A year ago I would have gone on for five minutes about how lucky I was, and how pleased, and I would have tried to show what a nice modest guy I am, all the while throwing shit on myself
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/288

Bob Lindner is in the dramatic electric intellectual situation he has been seeking all his life and which he approached in “The Jet-Propelled Couch.” He has to wonder if I am going toward genius or psychosis, and with his fabulous intuitions he sensed dimly a long time ago that the heart of the enigma of life can be found here.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/289

Let me try 283 again. I am the rationalist who is drawn to the mystery. I have no patience with exposition. Once I know something to my own satisfaction, I just do not have the enthusiasm to expound it, to go through the motions. That is why I have never been able to write a novel which I planned in advance. I can only write novels which I discover as I go. That is also why I was attracted to science and mathematics in my adolescence and started off to be an engineer. I was essentially a physicist at that time, for physicists (real physicists as opposed to academic physicists) are rational men who are attracted to a mystery. Engineers are their opposite. Engineers have confused minds which seek for certainty. The engineer is only happy when he can find the number, know the problem, state the answer. The physicist is only happy when he can quit the number, the answer, for the question. 
So my novels had to go forward and my audiences (at least my sympathetic audiences) diminish for I just could not go through the motions of describing how I had gotten to the point from which I start my characters. All my writing of that sort today is uninspired. I am interested essentially, creatively, in going on, and so my best characters in The Deer Park (for me) were the ones who were always mysteries to me before—to wit, Lulu, Munshin, and above all, Teppis. They are what lift the novel above the merely intelligent, sophisticated and cynical. They are glorious monsters. And Marion Faye is the character who leads me out of the book and has pointed the way to the next one, whatever it will be.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/293

I’m getting exhausted—it’s so exciting. Let me retreat for a moments. Foreign accents are always so amusing because if they weren’t amusing they would be revealing. Foreigners reveal the words within words to us. For instance, bone and born. R the active element gives redness, flesh, to bone, and we are born. But the foreigner says “Bohhhhhhh—rrrr—nnn.” And so we laugh.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/294

One takes in order to understand the world. So the essential taker when he gives is attempting to dominate the world. Thus the boxer who takes three to give one, but the one will deliver him from his basic passivity, allow people to think of him as a champion, which gives him honorable sanction to be passive. One reason perhaps so few champion boxers defend their titles actively. They usually sit around for months.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/295

But wrestlers who are givers, locators, finders, are attempting to find and crush the world. When they take, it is because they are weary of the constant expenditure of energy. They are begging to be thrown on their backs, because the only rest for the giver is to find a bigger giver. But the giver cannot remain in a state of passivity, he is up again, bouncing, ready to go. Tomorrow night he will wrestle again.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/296

Talk is cheap, action is hard. So says the world and so I believed. But I was always at my best talking even though I was ashamed of my talent. Yet the way I write now is that I talk, I talk and talk, and I truly believe some of the things I’m coming across are important. Because talk is dear not cheap; in talk we express our real selves or come closer to expressing our real selves, and in work, in action, we express whatever of our self society will allow. Which is why Stalinists are often nice guys in the living room, tolearant—I meant tolerant but tolearant says more—to let(the)ear rant—perhaps all good words are combinations of words condensed, and bad words—JARGON—is but a single word. Anyway... Stalinists are nice guys in the living room, tolerant, sympathetic, and totally rigid in print. They are caricatures of the actuality. But a caricature is a dramatization.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/297

Jokes.	Argo.
::Argo who?
::Argo fuck yourself.
Jargon. (J) Argo (N) I don’t understand the J yet but n has diminutive male characteristics. N is the reducing agent. N is finally nothing. We say one which is the reduction from uh or oh—the savage expression of wonder and by adding an ‘n’ we reduce wonder to society, we make the UGH into a ONE. (Victory is societies understanding of the world. The war was won. To win is to confirm society’s view that everything is one. To lose is to invite complexity and thought.) 
Anyway, n to uh makes one. n to one makes none. The reduction is complete. O is the expression of wonder—so society hides it by making it the symbol for zero. But zero is in itself a mystery so beats after all. 8 is the symbol for the cunt. We throw it on its side ∞ and it has become the symbol in her mysteries. For good cause. Woman added to man, man who is one joining with another to make two opens in the gamut from one to two the infinite extension of number.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/299

Back to Jargon. As a rough guess take J as a substitute for G which is God, Go, Give, Gamble (God ambles). I say J for G since we have Jehovah, Just, Justice, Jail, Jingle, Jazz,—in other words J is the socialization of G, it is god as society sees him and uses him. If this be true, Jargon would be something like Society’s embodiment of God in the form of Ar go nowhere.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/302

Ant and and. For some time I have been wanting to write down a thought about ants. It is possible that life as it moves up the biological spectrum exhibits, like ascending octaves, socializations (highly developed forms of Other-Life) at certain levels which are highly complex, and then quits them to move to a higher level. Thus, ant society is highly elaborate. Cities are built, work-cooperation is intense. But mammals who are a far higher form of life as we classify them, and indeed they undoubtedly are, have until the level of the elephant and the ape almost no social organization beyond the most rudimentary social contract. This little mystery has made man uneasy of centuries. 
“And” is the peculiar word whose uses are enormous. It is a word of continuation, it has implications of death, for if we tell a story about a person and use and long enough, we will finally be obliged to say, “And then he died.” But and also expresses the upward ascension. Perhaps its intimate relation to the past, the future, and its dramatic pendant present—we always interrupt the interesting or boring story to say, “And?” For note, be a story interesting or boring, saying “And?” makes it more interesting. So perhaps it is related to ant. And is alive, dramatic, partakes of death, and suggests life. The ant has the T at the end. It is close to being a thing. We are always a little repelled by the ant because its social organization is too high, too elaborate, for its life. It partakes too much of Other-Life.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/303

Obscenities: 69—Soixante-neuf. The proof that we personify symbols as society would put it, or (-wise) that symbols are clues to our buried H, our sexual souls. The typewriter is fascinating. Look at the symbols on top of the numbers. In order they are 
:" # $ % _ & ' ( ) *
:2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 –
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/306

But what a compulsion. No sooner do I write it than I notice that I made a mistake in nonsense. I tried to write nonsese. So, let’s look at it. S and X are also sibling consonants. I think of sex and how hex and cess are echoes. I suspect cess as in cesspool and hex are words from the Middle Ages when the church was putting the hex on sex by making it cess.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/307

I’m getting weary, and I’d better leave word echoes and consonant relationships because I’m trying to go too fast, and so half the time I’m probably all wet. If I don’t use some discrimination I’ll be founding a sect halfway between the Rosicrucians and the Reichians. Bless Malaquais. He saved me years by teaching me that one does not necessarily have to act—that there are times when action is impossible. If I hadn’t learned that I’d be setting up the letter-heads for the Mailerians. Anyway, one last thing about letters. I suspect that vowels are soul expressions of the self, shadings, colorings, of I. And consonants probably are more related to things outside the self, or to emotions which seem to come from outside forces such as rage for r, piss for p and s.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/308

Fuck, piss, cock, shit, cunt. The world outer and inner can probably be constructed from those five words. One would have to bring in “eat” “sleep” “bleed”—all eee sounds, and incidentally socially acceptable. The ih, the ah, and the uh of my five four-letter words are obviously the grunts of love and defecation. And work or labor. And for that matter eating and sleeping. I bet the eee sounds came later, but first the savage had ih, ah, uh, Oh for wonder, and I. But perhaps ‘I’ is the last of all to come, and is the abstraction of ih, ah, uh. With O and E thrown in. Possibly, like colors which when mixed together make white if they are lights, or gray or brown if they are opaque pigments, so if one could match tapes simultaneously of various vowel sounds, one could find the components of the rich and rather mysterious sound of ‘I’.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/310

When I was a kid in college I wrote “The Bodily Function Blues” but everyone was repelled by it. Secretly, I never was. Here it is:
Ah gotta pissssss 
Ah gotta ur-ri-nate
Piss, ss, ss, ss, sssss
Ah gotta shit,
Ah gotta de-fe-cate
Oo oo ee oo ee oo oo
Ah gotta bleed
Ah gotta menstruate
Trickle trickle, trickle trickle.
Ah gotta eat, alimentate, etc.
Ah gotta sleep, somnambulate, etc.
Ah gotta fuck
Ah gotta cop-u-late
Too late, too late.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
I got those blues, I got those blues.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t shit, I can’t fuck.
Ah got those bodily function blues. Dad a de dad a.
Exit blues.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/312

It seems obvious that insanity is the result of irreconcilable and . The obvious case: burning sexuality in a terribly severe conscience. Which relieves me about my own sanity. For my S and H are comparatively compatible. For years the H has battered away at the S forming rationalizations which were close to the actuality of myself. There is hardly anything I could discover about myself today which would be unbearable. I think that is why, instead, I am feeling generally so much aliveness and lack of depression. The H finally made it, but by slow stages.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 26, 1955/314

Aristocrats are usually takers (wits, fencers, collectors, drug addicts, they even marry within their families. They take and hold the family name). Some of the first English boxers were lords. Marquess of Queensberry rules. Boxers are proud.
Workers are usually givers. They give work, they brawl (wrestle). Wrestlers are jovial. They drink.
I am tired. Further examples fail me.
Category:January 26, 1955
Lipton’s Journal/January 27, 1955/315

As was evident in the notes yesterday, I was moving toward a depression, and it came on me during the evening. I felt very tired, and rather disgusted with myself. It seemed to me as if I’d been indulging in mental masturbation for quite a few days, playing word games, playing at being a genius, playing at being at the edge of the psychotic, and I noted that the letter which was to accompany some notes I was sending to Bob which I had half-consciously written almost psychotically had been left out of the envelope. I was going to throw it away (crumple it into a ball), and then changed my mind and just stuck it in with carbons of old letters. I felt disgusted at harassing Bob like that, swindling him into giving a free analysis, not directly of course, but still drawing him in. What preceded the depression were some half-realizations of a very personal sort about my sister and Adele, and I suppose I drew back from them.
Category:January 27, 1955