Plot Twist: The Aliens Are Basically Nazis

I've waited a while to speak about this. It's not like it's a secret, in fact quite the contrary. I've tried on many occasions to contact the governments of both America and Russia, along with China, India, the U.K. None of them listened. I even tried to contact NASA, and more recently Space X. Not my fault, and frankly I don't care. I'm nearly 60, if my time comes a little earlier than usual it won't really matter. Not my problem. Probably is yours though.
Sorry, I'm getting off track.
Let me start with a little background. My name is Alec Williamson, and I was born on the 20th of January, 1961 in Vacaville, California. My father was an Air Force pilot, and my mother was a professor at UC Berkeley. Growing up, I wanted to be a pilot, like my dad, but after I was accepted into the School of Science and Engineering at Hartford, over on the East Coast, my career ambitions changed.
Although watching things like the moon landings and various rocket launches in my childhood had captivated me, I had never seriously considered the prospect of working in a space related job. By that I mean a rocket scientist, or even an astronaut. However as soon as I started working towards a degree in space science at Hartford, I was captivated. I loved learning about planets, stars and far away solar systems. However nothing compared to my interest in the prospect of extraterrestrial life.
Throughout my first four years at Hartford and my subsequent five more I did all I could to learn about aliens. Space was and still is the final frontier, and since I was born to late to explore the Americas with Columbus, or the Pacific with James Cook, I figured that my mark on human history would be the discovery of a new kind of life form, one not seen by anything in light years.
And so since graduating I spent all my time working independently. Regrettably, I rejected job offers from NASA and chose to accept government research grants instead. I bought a small rural house back in my home state of California, and spent my days constructing both massive telescopes and radios, hoping to someday communicate with or observe alien life. In my free time I would write science fiction stories, which were published in magazines to secure me some extra income. I was a hermit, yet I viewed myself as the 'Lovecraft' of space science; although my work wasn't appreciated then it would be in the future, although hopefully with me still being alive.
Although my motivation never ceased, socially I faded into obscurity. Slowly but surely government funding for my research dried up, and in 2005 ceased altogether. Nevertheless, I carried on. By that point I already had everything I needed, it was up to my brainpower now to achieve my lifelong goal.
And I did.
On the warm summer night of the 17th July, 2008, I intercepted a short radio transmission travelling in between two planets light years away. It's impossible to say what the transmission actually said, and it was just short, low, bursts that sounded kind of like a muffled Morse Code. The bursts went both ways, some longer than others, like a text conversation. The 'conversation' lasted 3 minutes and 24 seconds, from 10:14 p.m. to 10:17 p.m., before it abruptly stopped.
But then it happened.
Three, high pitched, very loud sirens wails erupted from my newest radio prototype, the Viatorem III. This was the signal. Three loud siren wails meant only one thing: I have been contacted.
Running over to the device I quickly checked its status. It was almost fried, hundreds of hours of work down the tube. No matter. I had finally done it. I have contacted aliens. Tears of joy fell down my cheeks as my decades of grafting towards my life long goal had been achieved.
But what did they actually say though?
Picking up my crude headset, I threw it over my ears and hit the reply button on the small monitor in front of me. An old sound from a land line I had butchered played: "you have one new message. Press 1, to-zhzgzgzgzg." All i heard was static. But then... English. It was quiet a first, but after a second of tinkering with the volume, I finally heard it.
"bzzzz - Hello there. It seems that one of you have finally found us. We knew it was coming. I wasn't planning to say very much when we finally came into contact... But it seems that you're alone. Won't make a difference what we tell you."
I was confused. This wasn't how I imagined my first meeting with aliens would be; the tone of the thing seemed... almost threatening.
Before I could gather my thoughts it carried on.
"Look, I have to say we're quite impressed. For such a disposable species, you're quite intelligent. Contact wasn't planned for another hundred years. No matter. We're advancing our plans, Earth's colonisation is quite the priority. Our agents are inbound. The next asteroid that lands in the middle of the Sahara, or the Amazon, or the Great Plains will contain our first agents, our first... settlers. The great replacement begins."
And with that my long-range radio finally choked and died. I didn't managed to record it, so I don't assume you're going to believe me. I've already tried telling my story. Doesn't matter now, anyway. It's over.
It's 2019 now, I've known about aliens for years, but they've known about us for much longer.
It's time to leave Earth.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:SMOKE WEED ERRYDAY
Category:Beings
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep