Bear In The Big Blue House - The Lost DVD

I'm a man-child by heart. And go figure, I'm in love with Children Shows as an adult. But not just ANY ordinary children's series: The Live-Action Puppeteering Bliss of Jim Henson's extravagant Muppet IPs. Yeah, I said it. I cannot STAND those individual frames of cels or Computer generated piles of shit otherwise known as... "Animation!"... YUCK! And more specifically as a young child growing up on the Disney Channel in the Mid-2000s, one of the earliest of my beloved Live-Action Muppet franchises I was exposed to was aptly named: "Bear In The Big Blue House". 
Every sniff-in of the introduction that compared me to arbitrarily fresh scents always blocked out the reality of my House smelling like Cat Piss and Daddy's cigarettes which permeated throughout my childhood bedroom and daily wardrobe. I always considered it an "escape" of sorts after being bullied rigorously for it at school by the good-smelling kids and having the elementary school counselor pull me into her office to privately ask if I needed any external assistance for my deep rooted hygienic issues stemming from my dysfunctional household environment. I’d watch Bear In The Big Blue House intros just to cope with that fact every evening. And just as luck would have it out for me, I recently encountered a HIDDEN copy of a secretly planned Bear In The Big Blue House reboot the rest of the world has NO clue about: until now.
Instinctively after encountering such a gem I legally cannot elaborate on, I hurried toward my DVD Player and popped it in expecting the same comedic-educational bliss that the fully grown man in that anthropomorphic puppeteering bear suit provided me and millions of children alike, including finding our own unique senses of smell and teaching us how not to shit and piss on ourselves. Yet, such valuable lessons couldn’t have been farther from what I had watched this faithful afternoon…
The episode opened up Hot to the outside of a very real looking Urban 2-Story Blue House located in some Upper Middle-Class Neighborhood; a far cry from the traditional set. A logo for Big Brothers Big Sister Of America appeared over what I assumed to be the Bear In The Big Blue House logo. Now it all made sense! A mentoring Bear, easily mailable child-like characters? BITBBH was really the BBBSA the entire time! Bear was the Big, meanwhile all others were the Littles! It faded into the episode, clearly recorded in defying 8K quality. Well, more akin to the camera quality you'd find while tuning into the local 5 O'clock news debuting their weekly report of Inflating gas prices as strung-out crackheads stood outside the local Gas Station stoop begging for Liquor and cigarettes change to passersby all whilst in camera view. Well, that might just be exclusive to the neck of the woods I grew up in. Anyways, the episode was entitled: The "Otto-Caust". I thought this title was a bit spiteful but continued anyway.
It skipped over the typical intro and opened up hot with Bear opening the front door for the first time since the dawn of the War On Terror; every polyester hair follicle present on the signature full-body suit welcoming in the viewer… I almost shed a tear at such high production value.
His artificially-glistened nose soon approached the camera as Bear began sniffing to try and discern my scent for the first time in decades, And oh boy was I excited!
"I wasn't expecting to see you back here after so long, my Little! Long Time No-… *sniff* Hmm... Oh wow... That's a rather... Queer smell....." After 20 seconds of this sniffing situation, Bear STILL couldn't pin down what my aroma was... I felt personally offended as it never took that long for the Big Ol’ Bear to attract a child viewer's scent! Bear was also clearly under heavy distress at himself as he began sniffing HARDER, and HARDER, before both of his nostrils began bleeding due to overuse.
“I lost my sense of smell…” Bear exclaimed. I didn’t want to believe it, but it was true… Bear didn’t have a sense of smell anymore; and neither did I. Nor do you. You see, the world isn’t that same adventurous plane of freedom you had envisioned as a young child lasting forever and ever, the months and years you spent chasing those highs and accidental lows of sniffing gasoline and freshly cut grass you thought wouldn’t catch up to you someday? Oh, well they did, big time. Y’know what they say about the Times, you either follow the route or hollow out. 
Bear appeared pissed off now, but mostly at himself. His nose continued bleeding at a rather rapid pace as if he had just lost his Nasal Virginity and directed us to the Living Room area, where everybody, and I mean literally everybody in the Big Blue House were lined up at; backs on the wall. Out of nowhere, Bear began reaching toward a loose Pouch near his ass, or maybe it was just his asshole, and pulled out what appeared to be stack of PDFs. He began passing out a copy to everybody in the Big Blue House including the viewer.
What followed was a grueling 2 minute segment of Noel MacNeil lecturing through rather horrific and peculiar instructions on how to Delouse Otters and punch people in the nose as hard as possible to cause bleeding and lose their sense of smell. He throated all of this out in a rather out-of-character, stern-disciplinary tone of voice; as if I had just broken the back window whilst throwing a football at the house in hopes of it ricocheting a pass-back because Dad was never there for me.
I really didn't want to continue viewing these secular PDFs this Beast marked as "The Gospel" that could potentially place me on a government watch list; but I really had no other choice as a fanatic on the spectrum with low critical thinking skills. The scene faded out and into a new sight that personally shook me to my very core…
Tutter could be seen next to a large German Stoveware Oven with the Twin Otters Pip and Pop vertically cut in half like authentic Peruvian Baked Potatoes on a pan! I mean, I knew those Otter characters clearly had some sort of mental deficiency, clear signs of High Functioning Autism and suffering the lifelong after-effects of Premature Birth, and was as a considerable burden to all of the characters 100% of the time; but that doesn't justify exterminating them!
Bear proceeded to grab a vial of Delousing Agent and spread the contents evenly across the 2 Otter Caucuses using his giant fake bear claws lacking disposable fingers and little precision on the exposed Muppet intestines. This proved hazardous as the Bear suit itself clearly began to deteriorate in direct exposure. Despite this, Noel proceeded to bend his neck downward and lick both of the fresh Otter carcasses to make sure the Delousing Agent was evenly distributed and for a quick taste test. 
"I lost my sense of Taste... I lost my FUCKING SENSE OF TASTE." The inside of Bear's mouth and surrounding areas slowly began to vaporize as thin translucent grafts of synthetic fabric revealed Noel MacNeil's flared up rash red lips and bleeding nose, slightly quivering in sheer distress. Noel now appeared pissed off, but mostly at himself. Out of nowhere, Ojo came on screen holding a bucket of Thermite Paste for whatever Bear previously described as “Plan B” if things went South and approached Bear… was she getting an abortion?
"Say Bear, does any of my rigorous contributions mean Women can be just as strong as Men!?" Ojo asked excitedly.
"Absolutely Not! And for the record Ojo: There's one thing the lord loves, and that's the truth. And baby, you one ugly motherfucker." Bear proceeded to punch Ojo in the fucking face as hard as possible, causing her nose to bleed and lose her sense of smell. She dropped the bucket and proceeded to run away from the Kitchen in tears as Tutter gawked out a laugh. Bear appeared pissed off, but mostly at himself.
A Timelapse began of Tutter singlehandedly preparing Pip and Pop for dinner, making small appropriate incisions and setting the German Stoveware oven 200 Degrees too high for the job. Out of nowhere, or by fate would have it if you were to leave young children unattended near a Live Oven, something went horribly wrong in the baking process as thick charcoal-like smoke arose from the Oven as Tutter began SCREAMING.
Bear rushed in the Kitchen toward the German Stone-heirloom before quickly digging out the pan from the inside of the oven with his bare paws, revealing Tutter's scorched body along with Pip and Pop's disfigured carcasses. The smoke slowly began to clear up as Bear opened up a nearby window to air out the room. Bear then picked up Tutter’s half-deloused, mostly vaporized body which was still alive for some reason and violently punched him in the nose causing it to bleed badly and losing his sense of smell. Tutter was now physically lifeless. 
Bear picked up the rest of the bodies and threw them in the garbage before for the first time in this episode... began smiling... He proceeded to walk into the living room and remove each of his now destroyed costume layers, revealing a heavily bruised and battered Noel MacNeil brandishing a sports T-shirt, Pride Pin, and a Bloody Nose covered in the ashes of Muppets and Charcoal residue. Clips were now being played of Bear taking lines of credit out the Big Blue House beforehand and putting very unreasonable loans onto an irrationally high interest rate, leading to Bear ultimately losing the Big Blue House.
The DVD continued running for days as Noel’s Phone began ringing, presumably from his Wife or Kids after living on the set and not coming home. He never picked up. And Noel's smile continued to get wider, and wider, and fucking wider.
“I’M 45 FUCKING YEARS OLD!” Noel SCREAMED. He was obviously lying as he was a bit older than that at the time of this episode’s recording until something rather shocking, and in-part what he inevitably had to do as Police Sirens could now be heard approaching the Big Blue House, happened. Noel grabbed a bucket full of the Thermite Paste Ojo scraped-up days ago and began to smother himself in it head to toe, glistening a deep maroon-Red as he continued laughing louder and louder toward the camera, dusting off his Pride Pin. Ojo, who was still there for some reason, could be spotted in the background hiding, but she was obvious.
"HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE TURNING YOURSELF INTO A CONTROLLED EXPLOSIVE!!!" Ojo hollered. Noel didn't seem to notice or care as he pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and began lighting it from the German Stovetop. He took a quick puff of the cig before a piece of molten tobacco flew onto his shirt, igniting the thermite paste and causing his entire body to catch fire and begin crackling like a Patriotic 4th Of July Evening… before he exploded. Noel MacNeil was dead.
The episode finally ended. I ejected the CD and naturally flung it out the window in the midst of no inpulse controls before pacing around my room in stimulation to blow off steam before noticing something in the peripheral of my eye outside the window. It was a BIG FUCKING BEAR jumping over my Chain-Link fence! I thought it was Noel MacNeil coming for revenge for watching the damned tape as I ran back for cover in instinctual fear before realizing: it wasn't a bear at all... It was... my next door neighbor's dog?
I began hearing the familiar voice of my wife as she called him over to our lawn. He jumped over the fence and, began having sex with my wife; right before my eyes. I couldn't do anything but stare... After he was done, he then took a shit on top of my Bear In The Big Blue House DVD.
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