The Putz Who Stole Hanukkah

thumb|300px|right|The Putz has published a bestselling memoir of his actions.
:Every Jew
:Down in Jewville
:Liked Hanukkah a lot, 
:But some Putz,
:Who lived just East of Jewville,
:Did not! 
:That Putz hated Hanukkah!
:The whole holiday season!
:Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
:It could be that his bomb wasn't strapped on quite right.
:It could be that the turban on his head was too tight.
:But I think that the most likely reason of all
:May have been that his beard was two sizes too small. 
:But,
:Whatever the reason,
:His beard or his turban,
:He stood there on Hanukkah, chugging on bourbon,
:Staring down from his cave with an evil, bearded frown
:At the glowing Menorahs below in the town.
:For he knew every Jew down in Jewville beneath
:Was busy now, playing dreidel without grief.
:"And they're putting on yarmulkes!" he snarled with a sneer.
:"Tomorrow is Hanukkah! It's practically here!"
:Then he scowled, with his fingers nervously tapping,
:"I must find a way to keep Hanukkah from happening!"
:For tomorrow, he knew...
:...All the Jew girls and boys
:Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
:And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
:That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
:Then the Jews, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
:And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
:And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! F***ING FEAST!
:They would start on latkas, and rare matzo ball soup
:Which was something that made the Putz want to puke! 
 
:And then
:They'd do something he liked least of all!
:Every Jew down in Jewville, the tall and the small,
:Would stand close together, with Hanukkah bells ringing.
:They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Jews would start singing! 
:They'd sing! And they'd sing!
:And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
:And the more the Putz thought of the Jews start to sing, 
:The more the Putz thought, "I must stop this damn thing!
:Why for seventeen centuries I've put up with it now!
:I must stop Hanukkah from coming!
:...But how?" 
:Then he got an idea!
:An awful idea!
:The Putz got a wonderful, awful idea! 
:"I know just what to do!" The Putz Laughed in his throat.
:And then made a quick rabbi yarmukel and robe.
:And he chuckled and clucked, with an evil look in his eye,
:"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like a Rabbi!" 
:"All I need is a Jewdeer..."
:The Putz looked all around.
:But since Jewdeer are scarce, there were none to be found.
:Did that stop the old Putz?
:"No!" The Putz simply said,
:"If I can't find a Jewdeer, I'll make one instead!"
:So the Putz called his camel Achmed. 
:Took some red thread,
:And he tied a Star Of David on top of his head. 
:Then...
:He loaded some bags
:And some sacks green and red
:On his ramshackle rickshaw
:And he hitched up Achmed 
:Then the Putz screamed, "Jihad!"
:And the rickshaw started down
:Toward the homes where the Jews
:Lay a-snooze in their town. 
:All their windows were dark. Flying shrapnel filled the air.
:The Jews were all dreaming sweet dreams without care,
:When he came to the first house in the square.
:"This is stop number one," The old Putz hissed
:And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. 
:He jumped through the window, and fell like a klutz.
:But if Moses could do it, then so could the Putz.
:He lay on the floor, for a moment or two.
:Then he stuck his head out to look for a Jew.
:He saw the little Jew yarmulkes all hung in a row.
:"These yarmulkes," he grinned, "Are the first things to go!" 
:Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
:Around the whole room, and he stole every present!
:Dreidels! And menorahs! Gelt! Money! And drums!
:Gefilta Fish! Latkas! Matzo! And plums!
:He stuffed them in bags with a smile so cold,
:And took back outside all the bags he could hold! 
:Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Jews' food!
:He took the Jew-pudding and their matzo ball soup!
:He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
:Why, that Putz even took their last can of Jew-hash! 
:He raided everything in the house with an ecstatic aura.
:"And now," grinned the Putz, "I will jack these fools' Torah!" 
:And the Putz grabbed the book, and he started to run
:When he heard a loud sound like the shot of a gun.
:He turned around fast, and he saw a small Jew!
:Little Cindy-Lou Jew, who was not more than two. 
:The Putz had been caught by this little Jew daughter
:Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
:She stared at the Putz and said, "You Rabbi, why,
:Why are you taking our Torah? Why?" 
:But, you know, that old Putz was so smart and so slick
:He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
:"Why, my sweet little tot," that bastard Putz lied,
:"There's a tear on a page thats almost five inches wide.
:So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
:I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here." 
:And his fib fooled the child. So he patted her head
:And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
:And when Cindy-Lou Jew went to bed with her drink,
:He wondered what was next, and began to think. 
:Then the last thing he took
:Was the shamash candle.
:Then the old Putz carried out all he could handle.
:He left nothing but hooks, and a sandal. 
:And the one speck of food
:That he left in the house
:Was a crumb that was even too small for a louse.
:Then
:He did the same thing
:To the other Jews' houses, 
:Leaving crumbs
:Much too small
:For the other Jews' louses! 
:It was a quarter past dawn...
:All the Jews, still in bed
:All the Jews, still a-snooze
:When he packed up his sled,
:Packed it up with their presents! The dreidels! The food!
:The menorahs! The Torahs! The matzo ball soup! 
 
:Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Strumpet
:He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
:"Screw all the Jews!" he was Putz-ish-ly humming.
:"They'll soon find out now that no Hanukkah is coming!
:They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
:Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
:Then all the Jews down in Jewville will all cry Boo-hoo!" 
:"That's a noise," grinned the Putz,
:"That I simply must hear!"
:So he paused. And put an ear to his hand
:He did hear a sound rising over the sand.
:It started in low. Then it started to grow... 
:But the sound wasn't sad!
:Why, this sound sounded merry!
:It couldn't be so!
:But it was merry! Very! 
:He stared down at Jewville!
:The Putz popped his eyes!
:And then he shook!
:What he saw was a shocking surprise! 
:Every Jew down in Jewville, the tall and the small,
:Was singing! Without any presents at all!
:He hadn't stopped Hanukkah from coming!
:It came!
:Somehow or other, it came just the same! 
:And the Putz, with his feet fire-hot in the sand,
:Stood puzzling and puzzling: "This wasn't planned!
:It came without yarmulkes! It came without rags!
:It came without matzo, dreidels or bags!"
:And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
:Then the Putz thought of something he hadn't before!
:"Maybe Hanukkah," he thought, "Doesn't come from a store.
:Maybe Hanukkah...perhaps...means a little bit more!" 
:And what happened then...?
:Well...in Jewville they say
:That the Putz's small beard
:Grew three sizes that day!
:And the minute his beard didn't feel quite so tight,
:He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
:And he brought back the toys! And the food for the meal!
:And he... 
:He himself...
:The Putz ate the matzo with zeal!
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