Creepypasta Survival Guide

We've all been there. You have just gone to a certain place at a certain time on a certain date, done a special thing, and the thing you suspected would happen has just fucking happened. Not to mention the fact that you've just seen whatever the fuck it is that lives in your mirror, been told in detail how you're going to die, and the highly demonic and invincible thing you summoned is heading towards you.
Also, your family are all dead, your friends are all missing, and you're being framed by someone with access to your bedroom. What the fuck do you do now, sweet protagonist?
Well, you've come to the right place to find out: These are the simple rules one must follow in order to firstly, not become a victim of creepypasta, and furthermore, to come out kicking if the worst does happen. With the help of this guide, you too can merely be a catatonic, traumatized wreck as opposed to the guy currently being worn as a coat by some dude who roams a lot. Just keep these simple rules in mind...
== The Survival Guide ==
# Mirrors and darkness don't mix.
# Actually, mirrors are a general "NO" in the creepypasta world. There is nothing more sinister.
# There is zero chance of survival if you look at the thing that no one else can see, or answer its question incorrectly.
# If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution, take some time to consider what the fuck you're doing there. Then, if it is appropriate to do so, leave.
# Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.
# If someone stops your vehicle at night and asks to come with you, it would probably be in your best interests to politely decline.
# Killing is the last method of survival; use it sparingly, but without fear.
# WHO WAS PHONE? is always a good thing to ponder. Also, who the hell answers a phone while having sex with a dead person's sexy daughter? A creepy rapist, that's who.
# Get a simple .38 revolver. Load it with 2 silver bullets. If you really feel there is no chance to come out of a situation alive, take one shot at whatever it is that is threatening you. If this doesn't work, you still have the last shot to become an hero with.
# Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you get in. Or to let any alien out.
#When going to a hotel, try to steer clear of unauthorized areas. If you couldn't resist and you saw a red thing, take some time to consider the price range and hotel standard on your next visit. Have you ever stayed at a Haunted Hilton?
# When booking your hotel stay, Trip Advisor can be an invaluable tool in deeming whether your choice is the scene of a mass murder, full of dead people, or built at the mouth of hell. Local newspapers can also be helpful.
# Invoking demons, speaking weird languages, and performing rituals of any kind is considered dangerous. Refrain from doing that, especially around abandoned warehouses, churches, psychiatric institutions, the woods, and your house in front of a mirror at night.
# When going to a new area, environmental understanding is key to survival. Ask around for cursed places, legends, dangers, and other details. Listen to the local peoples' advice, and don't be afraid to ask if you're unsure of which attacks/disappearances are paranormal and which aren't.
# Always have a Bible next to your bed. Provides average reading material, proof of beliefs, and a really heavy & effective object to throw at enemies.
# Don't count on holy water. Get a sturdy vial of sulfuric acid and let a priest consecrate it.
# Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.
# If you find 666 messages on your phone, mailbox, email, etc., consider changing your service provider. Also, don't bother listening to/reading the messages. It's spam. Extra-dimensional, possibly, but spam nonetheless.
# Old pharmaceutical companies can't help you. Unless you specifically need "Blood Of The Innocent", "Snake Oil", and "Radioactive Syrup". Which is never.
# If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink. Bear this in mind if offered deals that seem too good to be true.
# Lighthouses are dangerous. Avoid them at all costs. If you work at a lighthouse, consider a career in insurance sales or veterinary care. Have you ever read Three Skeleton Key?
# There is simply no reason to listen to music that causes suicidal tendencies...
# ...or to watch films that have had strange/disastrous consequences...
# If you like to plan ahead and have some money, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.
# Secret secluded untouched places in old buildings are left untouched for a reason. Pioneers never say "die", but in fact they do have an unusually high mortality rate.
# Before you start swimming in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself, do you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city? If the answer is "no," then stay at home instead, and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax. Which means boobs.
# On your 33rd birthday, try celebrating in a well-lit house with the company of others.
# Refrain from using the One True Name for anything; there is probably a reason people gave it a nick.
# Watching TV static for long periods may be hazardous to your health. Try satellite TV or Freeview to combat this problem. Netflix and internet streaming are also effective.
# Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs seem to perceive unnatural phenomena better than us, and if desperate, simply throw it at whatever is about to get you.
# Safety in numbers. If you're getting a bit too freaked out, grab a few friends, any and all firearms, and avoid the area in question.
# Cemeteries are bad places, especially in foggy conditions and on Halloween.
# Try not to close your eyes. Ever. If you must do so, do so only briefly. If something has moved from its original location in the time it has taken you to blink, it is recommended that you do not blink again until you have dealt with said object. Fire is presumably the best method.
# If you ever find an unmarked tape which contains the file extension ".avi", even if it's of your favorite kid's show, do not, under any circumstances, watch that tape. Now, if the extension is .MTS, that is a different matter altogether.
# If you hear chanting, run until you are out of earshot.
# If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of those creepy little fuckers.
# Legends can offer valuable insight of where not to go camping with friends.
# When babysitting, ascertain the family's tastes and preferences, to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.
# Even if you are certain that running will not save you, it is always best to try.
# If you go to buy a used video game, whether it's at a game shop or a garage sale, never EVER buy one with a weird-looking cartridge. This includes strange colors and ripped off labels with titles written in marker. The latter tends to happen more often than not. For the daring, don't just buy said game to become famous; your chances of becoming an Internet celebrity because of it can only work if you know how to program. You should also be highly suspicious of games priced too cheaply and bootlegs.
# If you decide to buy the used game anyway, rip that son of a bitch out of your console the moment it starts acting funny and take a hammer to it.
# If you ever see a strangely new-looking doorway with a strange face on it, on a building you swore you didn't see at first and the building happens to be an old chateau, don't fucking open it.
# It's probably best to refrain from looking up on Google the phrase "huskies with grins". You'll just end up having to spread the word.
# Never allow someone to take a picture of you with an outdated camera. If it's too late, your only bet is to gamble with Death. Or just trap him in a photo. That works too.
# Don't play with dolls if they come with a needle or a defect. Especially a defect.
# Burn ouija boards, but be sure to have one of those car fresheners handy. The real reason why spirits get pissed off is because of that foul aroma it produces when burned.
# Never confront animated puppets physically. Subdue them with spells or they'll come back with minions, or in a real physical body.
# If you find yourself unable to escape, dancing may ward off the entity. Doing the Hokey Pokey is known to ward off curious monsters, but you might have to do the Moonwalk to deal with zombies.
# If you're checking your computer for viruses and you go TOO deep into System 32, refrain from clicking on any .avi files. If you do not heed this warning, creepy videos on you, dude.
# If you see old tapes containing the words: "Happy" Or "Appy", pretend you never saw them; just go on with your life. It'll just end up invoking some whacked out, coked-up director of an old children's show and you'll wind up having to pull some "Thanks For the Ride" shit to kill him.
# If you buy a used camcorder and find the previous owner left one of their tapes inside, refrain from watching that tape no matter how tempting it may be. 
# Be careful when buying an old, second-hand TV.
# If you see a guy with both an incredibly large smile and black and white eyes, extricate yourself from the premises post-haste.
# Don't go to a friend's house to bake cupcakes if they have random spurts of insanity.
# Phone companies with low coverage are best avoided.
# .exe files with strange names are not safe. Don't open them.
# For the love of Neptune, turn off your fucking faucet when you're done with it.
# If you are told to not look behind you, it's better to do so, unless you're against a wall.
# Also, do not listen to anybody who tells you to go to sleep. It's better to run away.
# If you see a tall man with tentacles, run!
# Don't enter strange websites.
# Don't enter strange places.
# Not even strange videos.
# If a woman who covers her mouth asks you if she is beautiful, tell her she's "average". It will prevent her from slicing your mouth.
# No good can ever come from owning a shiny Pokemon.
# If you're an intern at a cartoon studio and you "happen" to be reviewing a new episode, make sure the episode is safe for work BEFORE viewing that shit.
# Don't be so excited when being asked to look behind you, but don't take forever. No reason to keep certain death waiting.
# Weird shit in Europe won't hurt you in the United States. Leave that to Creeps, Scarecrow and TheCreepyDark.
# Weird shit in the United States won't hurt you in Europe. Damn...
# Should you break rule 54, there is always a chance of rescue.
# If your brother is tired of noise or if your close friend has a brother like that, refrain from going into his basement unless you want to be tortured, raped, and killed. Especially raped. (Isn't that right, MCP?)
# If you buy a Memory Card and it has saved data in it, delete all of the saves.
# If you get a drawing of Sonic on a disc and the only file on that disc is a .exe file called Sonic, don't play it. Destroy it, or a demonic being that looks like a Sonic plushie might kill you. If he chooses not to, he will scar you for life.
# If you see what appears to be a 12-year-old kid, with black shorts, a gray, bloody shirt, red shades, dark grey skin, and a maniac grin, DO NOT, under any circumstances, piss him off. (unless you're a Werepire....or brave)
# Neighbors may have a darker side. If they do things that seem off for them, act normal.
# In addition to rule 77, if you hear foreign voices from your body, that means you've been body jacked.
# If you are an adult and notice that you are being stalked by a guy with a black suit, long arms, and no face, reach for the nearest child and throw him/her at him, then run like hell.
# If you are child in the same situation, run like hell before said adult uses you to satisfy the aforementioned being's craving hunger. If you do not manage to escape before the adult snags you, try bargaining with the Slenderman that the adult has more delicious flesh.
# The Slenderman (said monster descripted in the last two tips) feeds on paranoia. If you remember Slenderman only wants a hug, he won't go after you. But if Slenderman does stalk you, RUN, MAN!
# If all else fails, give Slenderman 20 dollars, and he should leave you alone.
# If you see someone crawling around, it's more likely to be something, and you don't want more information about it.
# If you are a police officer, state trooper, FBI agent, or any person of authority and you have two days left until retirement, if you happen to notice ANYTHING suspicious or potentially dangerous to your health, get the fuck out of there immediately.
# If you are being chased by any Creepypasta and feel that you are 100% out of options, attempt to run to wherever Stephen King is doing his next book signing. Your killer will be far too interested in trying to get an autograph to remember what they were doing there in the first place. If Stephen King is not in your general vicinity at the time, R.L. Stine is always available.
# If you are a Creepypasta reader and feel like things are getting a little too real, take a break.
# If you find a magic stick that lets you draw living creatures, don't draw yourself. You may be surprised how pissed off your creations can get at you.
# If you wake up in the middle of the woods after having fallen asleep listening to your own heartbeat, take notice that someone probably put you there. But don't call the police. Publish a book of it and get a movie deal.
# If you're being offered an orange by a demon, either don't take it or follow the steps from rule 89.
# On the third day of the third month of every thirty-third year, seal up all the openings to your house, unless you want to be eaten by an evil mist.
# If you noticed that you're being stalked by a screaming child in a skull mask, don't always assume the kid's evil. Just be sure to save the Buncha Crunch should you have any.
# When reminiscing about your favorite kids' show on a message board, take a moment to consider if the episode where all the characters screamed their lungs out was real or not. Also, take a moment to consider if the entire show was real or not.
# When looking through mysterious, blood-soaked pictures left in your mailbox, check to make sure you locked your doors and windows.
# Remember, snowmen have feelings too.
# Stitches is naked. Covering him with a towel will cause him to die. Do so.
# If your friend disturbingly edits tapes, it's probably a good idea to never try to see him again.
# If you keep finding broken glass in your home, check to see if the shards match the colors of the glass object that was broken. If they don't...run.
# If Jeff the Killer shows up in your bedroom unarmed and invites you to follow him to his home... FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T DO IT.
# And, to make an even hundred, should you notice that your friend has suddenly developed a personality that's a mix between Heath Ledger's Joker and Beetlejuice, he or she is most likely inHABITed. It would be best to keep clear of this person until they return to their normal boring-as-fuck personality.
# If you encounter a small creature that looks like a mutant four-armed baby with Jeff The Killer's face, DON'T LISTEN TO IT. Not even if it offers you gold.
# If you are still using Windows XP and you use it every day with internet, sticking with it is a pretty stupid decision. End of support means more doors opening for viruses. And even more doors opening for crazy shit.
# Stay far, far away from abandoned amusement parks.
# If your son starts talking about some sort of doll from ANY game. Do NOT play the fucking game. Take the gaming system and play baseball with it.
# If you DO play the game and later hear ANY tapping at any place in your home, yell to your child to lock their door and jump from a window. It is wise to then light the house on fire and jump from the window with your spouse.
# Be atheist, or convert to any religion that isn't monotheism. So when a monster says, "I am God!" or an insane man says, "God abandoned us," you will chuckle, since it's an overused cliché, instead of getting scared by your broken faith. Church always fails to save you from creepypasta, and the Bible is only as good as any other heavy object to throw, so there is no real benefit anyway.
# ALWAYS think twice before doing something stupid or doing something you might regret.
# If you come across a pro wrestling DVD you haven't heard of, it was likely never released for a reason.
# If you are browsing the Internet and a colorful pop-up that says, "You Win", "You Lose", or "You Die" appears, for god's sake, do not click on it.
# If a magic 8-ball gives you anything but "Yes", "No", or "Maybe", destroy it.
# Do NOT go to any halfway house or mental institution you can get yourself into, in any city, in any country. Unless your name happens to be Legion.
# If you do end up in any halfway house or mental institution you can get yourself into, DO NOT talk to the receptionist at the front desk. Instead, read a magazine, pamphlet, or any source of reading material on one of the tables in the waiting area, unless your name is Legion.
# If you do talk to said receptionist at the front desk of the halfway house or mental institution, DO NOT ask for anyone whose name starts with "The Holder of", unless your name is Legion.
# DO NOT COLLECT all 538 objects; there is a reason why they must never come together. Unless your name is Legion.
# If you find a bag with dozens of tapes inside it, just fucking leave it alone. It might be that some kid you punched in the face a while ago is now out to kill everyone!
# There are some parts of YouTube you should not be in.
# Don't kill anyone because you made a page on a website and an admin or someone deleted it. Just don't; you should probably go read a book or something.
# If you buy used wireless headphones off of the internet, rip those bitches off of your head as soon as you hear static and/or "voices".
# If you attempt to bypass a level in an extremely hard typing game, you might find yourself trying to kidnap children whilst wearing a chef hat.
# In addition to rule 117, there was probably a reason why the level was so damn hard.
# If you go camping in the woods and find a cabin, you should probably leave it alone. You've watched the movies.
# Everyone's scared of something, if you're not scared of anything, well then you're a liar.
# When playing 'Minecraft'. Do not set the render distance to 'Tiny'.
# If you do set your render distance to 'Tiny' and you see a mob that looks like Steve in the distance, set render distance to 'full'.
# If said mob is still sighted, delete the game.
# If said mob, known as Herobrine, is in every game, delete Minecraft! 
# If you are in your bedroom at night, and you wake to see a feeble looking, grey humanoid at the end of your bed, do not hesitate to throw your covers over it and try to punch it to death...and maybe put that Bible that was mentioned earlier to good use.
# If previously mentioned creature escapes one's grasp, it will stalk you and maul you. So, if sighted again, RUN! 
# Monsters still bleed. If forced to fight one, don't think that all hope is lost.
# Better safe than sorry. If you do kill whatever it is that attacked you, don't think that you're safe yet. Shoot or stab them in every vital organ you can think of and sever limbs. Burning the corpse and/or putting it through a meat grinder helps too.
# If a banshee is screaming the living shit out of you, then that's the only sign that you're going to die a slow, painful death.
# If you have a Yu-Gi-Oh/Pokémon card that is a very ominous force(s) (either creates death or magic that you never imagined), either burn the card or cut it to pieces with scissors. Abandoning it (example: putting it in the trash) would simply be making you its next victim.
# Demonic or spiritual forces can enter ANY object/person with ease, but can be kept out of an object by letting a priest or a group of priests do an exorcism (as long as you or any members of your family aren't the cause of it).
# Seek a fortuneteller if you happen to have a spiritual experience that will affect your future.
# Rap Rat is NOT a song artist. In fact, just stay away from anything that concerns him.
# Slenderman does not always kill out of hunger or boredom. If he's stalking you, ask yourself if your death would benefit humanity. If it will, then just throw in the towel, because he's coming. Don't believe me? Go ask all those Nazi soldiers found impaled on trees.
# Hide and seek is an evil game.
# Before you consider those horrible figments of your deranged imagination your friends, take a good look at their face. If they have yellow eyes, or are impossibly deformed, take as many pills as your local psychiatrist is willing to give.
# If you suspect that an immortal armless monster wants to put a foot through your stomach, RUN.
# If your walls bleed phrases that make no sense, try reading them backwards.
# If your walls start bleeding in the first place, it's best to burn the house down.
# If that one wall is miraculously unburned, RUN.
# Get in shape; the only thing that you can do to evade the majority of creepypastas is to RUN.
# If you are paraplegic, make like Happy Wheels and fashion some rockets.
# If any kind of man or beast appears in your room in the middle of the night, then it's best to stab it and stab it and STAB IT.
# If you have no other weapons, put that bible I told you to keep next to your bed to good use.
# The Creepypastas that become famous can't be forced. They just happen. If you are deliberately putting yourself in danger against powerful, extremely bloodthirsty beings so that you can write a nonprofit story to put up on a wiki webpage, it may be time to accept that YOU ARE A COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHAT.
Follow these simple rules and little (or massive) harm may befall you. Either way, the important thing is to make sure your tale is told, copied, and pasted repeatedly. Forever yours, management.
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