Gabe Newell's Meltdown - The Lost Interview

I was going through my old email when I found an email I had never opened before. "Gabe Newell EXCLUSIVE Interview 6/24/2016" I'm a games journalist, so I have no idea how I missed this one. When I opened the email, I was greeted with this message: "Hi John. We recently interviewed Gabe Newell of Steam fame. We're random guys that just so happened to get a killer interview with the Gabe Lord himself! I'm sending you this audio so you can write an article about it for site. Alert me when it's up! Thanks." Man... I feel like a fool for not noticing this email all those years ago. This could've helped strengthen my credibility as a games journalist. This interview is several years old, so I don't think it would do any good writing an article for it now. But I'll give it a listen anyway. 
The interview, which is audio only, starts with the interviewer thanking Gabe Newell for accepting the interview, followed by the first question. 
"Mr. Newell, how was it like working on that first Half-Life game? Any developer secrets?" 
"It was great. I mean, we were making our living at the time from selling software and hardware, but we really wanted to make something that would change people's lives." 
"Nice! Now we all now the infamous Half-Life 2 ends on a crucial cliffhanger. So what happened to Half-Life 3?" 
Gabe paused for a moment, then sighed. 
"Look... You know how it is sometimes in life? Things just aren't meant to be. The world changes around us, and we have to move on."
"Well, okay then. Well what about Portal 3?" 
Gabe took a deep, long sigh like he was extremely aggravated. 
"Listen. If you want more Portal, go play Left 4 Dead or some shit. Go play any other game. Sorry for my demeanor, but I'm just tired of answering these questions every damn day." 
"Alright, well thanks again for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to me." 
The noise of the audio picked up as the interviewer sat there in silence, clearly surprised by Gabe's harsh response. It caught me off guard too, but maybe he was just having a bad day. And he probably does get these same questions every day, which would aggravate anyone for sure. 
"Um... Well then. Ha ha ha, alright... Um... So, Steam! You said its the reason for your success with Valve. How did you come up with the concept?" 
Gabe took a sip of what sounded like water, then responded. 
"Oh, uh... Actually I came up with the name while I was playing World of Warcraft. Yeah, there was this guy in the chat talking about how steam powered technology existed in the past, but then fell out of use. So I came up with the name for our little company." 
The rest of the interview had more dry questions and responses like this. But 10 minutes in things got interesting again. 
"So Gabe, who are you going to vote for in this upcoming election? Trump, Hillary, or perhaps a third party?" "Well, I'm not going to say I'm going to vote for Trump, because I'm not. But I'd say I'm leaning towards voting for him. Why? Because he's a fucking symbol. He's a symbol of the fucking common man. He's a symbol of making America great again, and that's what I'm living for." 
The interviewer cracked out a laugh that had a tinge of awkwardness to it. I had no idea Gabe swung that way. But it gets weirder. 
"Your personal life is rather unknown to the general public. With that said, the LGBT movement has really kicked off in recent years. Would you consider yourself apart of that community?" 
Gabe pauses for a few seconds. 
"Who the fuck is this guy? And why the fuck do you care?" I thought I heard Gabe mutter under his breath. This was very out of character for him. But he recovered nicely. 
"Well, sir, I'd like to think I'm a nice guy and caring, so I'd certainly like to think that I'm part of the community." 
"So are you gay, bi, or perhaps something else?" 
"It's really none of your fucking business." 
"Ooh, careful sir. You're quite close to being verbally abusing our interviewer. Shame on you." a woman's voice said from afar. A few seconds of awkward silence passed. 
"Sorry, Gaben... Moving on! What is the worst thing to happen to you?" 
"That's for me to know, and you to never fucking find out." Gabe said it so nonchalantly that I almost didn't realize what he was saying. The interviewer awkwardly laughed again, followed by his next question with the clear of the throat. 
"If you could erase one thing from this world, what would it be? Perhaps Steam's competition?" 
"Oh... Well, let's see now. I guess I could go for the whole fucking world being under a totalitarian regime without any violation of privacy at all. Or maybe... Oh I know! Let's take all the delicious and exquisite food products in this world and not be able to access them anymore! That would be pretty bad, because who doesn't like food?" This was such a strange response by Gaben. Even if I did discover this audio the day it was sent to me, I have no idea how I would go about writing the article. Gabe acted like he had the world's largest chip on his shoulder in this interview. 
"One more question, do you have a favorite fictional character? Perhaps one of your own, such as Gordon Freeman and Cave Johnson?" 
"Hm... I like to think I'm a pretty smart guy, so I'd probably answer the question with a complex mathematical equation. Or maybe I'd pick... No! That's a stupid fucking answer! I don't like to think, I fucking pondered for a whole fucking minute! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I'm fucked! Get me the fuck out of here!" "Hold on, I'll get you a drink." the woman's voice said. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This wasn't just a bad day for Gabe; something was clearly wrong with him.
"Get me the fuck out of here!" 
The woman came back with the water, and thankfully Gabe seemed calmer after drinking it. 
"I'm sorry, it's just that recently Steam really dropped the ball when it came to customer support. Now my whole site is fucked, and my business is in jeopardy because of their idiotic fucking terms of service! Fuck them, that's why I'm here trying to find a sympathetic ear. Isn't that why people start companies in the first place? To escape shitty terms of service? I could win this battle with the FTC, but only if I have good public relations. The best way to do that is to get the word out and have people emailing Washington about their concerns." 
At this point Gabe wasn't making any sense at all, and you could tell by the voice of the interviewer that he was getting increasingly uncomfortable as it went on. Maybe this is why Gabe is such a recluse. Maybe this is why there is no Half-Life 3. He has deep seated anger that affects his day-to-day life. 
"Alright um, we just have one more final question and then we'll let you go. Again, who is your favorite fictional character?" 
"I don't have a favorite! I don't watch TV! I don't like watching TV! I don't like movies either! Fuck you!" 
Gabe could be then be heard throwing what sounded like a vase against a wall. The interviewer screeched and the woman let out a gasp. 
"I'm tired of these questions! I'm not some fucking human fucking quiz show! I'm sick of your fucking questions! I'm not going to answer them! Fuck the press! Let me go!" 
"B-but Gabe! The gamers deserve Half-Life 3! Y-you've got to make it!" the woman pleaded. 
"I'm not making anything! I'm not developing anything! I don't have time to develop anything! I'm trying to run a business here!" 
"But Half-Life 3 would be a hit! It'd sell millions and millions of copies, and then you'd get rich!" 
"I'm already rich!" 
"No you're not!" 
"Yes I am, and I'm getting sick of your fucking voice! Who the fuck are you to tell me I'm not?" 
At this point my heart was racing due to the escalation of events. I was genuinely fearing for the interviewers' lives. 
"Steam Greenlight was a good idea, but the fucking press jumped on it like a bunch of vulture MiningCo lawyers trying to save their own asses. The only reason why any of them got away with it is because of my inactivity of not caring anymore." 
Gabe then could be heard getting up and throwing something across the table. It sounded like a photo frame, and the woman let out a yelp when it shattered into a million pieces against the wall. 
"The press! The fucking media! Fuck 'em all! Fuck 'em all!" 
"Gabe! Please calm down! We just want Half-Life 3! We just want the truth!" 
"You want Half-Life 3? Here's your fucking Half-Life 3!" Gabe yelled before breaking the table in half with his bare hands. 
The two journalists behind the table quickly ran out of the room with their arms raised begging for mercy. The reporters were scared sissies, they didn't know what the hell they were getting into. They thought this would be some regular interview, they didn't know that Newell was going to go into an unstoppable rage. The microphone could be heard getting picked up, followed by running footsteps. 
"He's chasing us! He's chasing us!" the interviewer cried before the audio cut off. 
That... was... insane. I have no idea who the journalists who sent me this are, but I can't believe they didn't bring up the outrageous, damming content in it. If this gets out, it could change how Gaben is precised by the Steam community forever. We all thought he was some wholesome wizard, a generous benefactor and a friendly neighbor. But this... this is a different Gabe. This is someone who has gone off the deep end. Should the world know this is who he truly is? Probably not. I don't think we're ready for that. So what will I use this audio for? I will most likely use it as blackmail to get Valve to make Half-Life 3. If that game is announced in the coming years, then you'll know it's me.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Rants
Category:Excessive Profanity