I'm a professional rule follower

My mom always made sure I followed the rules, you know. Because if I didn't, then I'd get in trouble. And who wants to be a 23 year old who's grounded because she didn't do something as trivial as rinse the bowl out before putting it in the dishwasher, right?
So this was obviously drilled into my poor tiny head since I was a poor tiny child. And now I'm a poor tall adult. And by poor I mean I lost my job because of this corona bullshit so I need dough. That being said, we know jobs are hard to come by unless you want to be surrounded by a bunch of Karens who hate you for looking at them while stocking shelves at Walmart or whatever.
I was desperate, though. I wasn't qualified for anything on job search sites and I didn't exactly want to go back to retail hell if I could help it. And that's when the email came in. I brushed it off as a spam because Yahoo has been doing a shitty job in filtering those lately. But I was just so curious.
Subject: "Job Offer for (my name)"
From: [REDACTED], Inc.
Email:
Good afternoon, we noticed you've been searching job postings without applying. It seems as though you have high standards, and you shouldn't, ho. Anyway, we're looking for lazy, talentless individuals to join our team at our corporate office. Pay is $19/hr full time. Please call (number) to schedule an interview. We will hire you on the spot if you call.
Thank you,
Your friends at, well, you'll find out soon enough :)
Well that's just the job for me! I'm talentless and lazy and I made nowhere near that at my other office job! I called them immediately, and they said I was hired. I started work the next day.
I was greeted by a professional looking woman. "Hey, you must be (my name)! Here's a list of rules, if you follow them, things will go ok. If you don't follow them, things will not go ok!" I didn't notice at first that she had no pupils, but the rest of her was gorgeous so it was ok.
I looked at the paper, it felt like papyrus and the words were written in dark purple ink, maybe wine.
Rule 1: If you see Satan in the bathroom, let him take a dump
Rule 2: Ignore the girl in black who screams in your ear every day at 2:02pm
Rule 3: Let the man in the taco costume wear his costume, it doesn't hurt anyone
Rule 4: Do your job
Rule 5: Don't feed the cats - they will get fat and unhealthy
Well, it's been a week since that strange orientation. And here's how it went. I had to pee, and I didn't see Satan because he uses the men's room. Every day the girl screamed at me at 2:02pm and I ignored her and went about my business. The taco man is very nice and friendly! I did my job, that's what they're paying me to do. It's redacted though, I signed an NDA. Very weird stuff. And then the VP has a bunch of really cute cats, and I don't feed them even though they beg! Unlike my mom's stupid cats, I'm allowed to respect these cat's need for a healthy diet!
If you want to hear more about where I work, you can't. Because there's a dude behind me with a gun and he told me to redact a lot of things. REDACT REDACT REDACT EVERYTHING'S REDACTED.
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Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Memes
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep