Café

Café is a French word meaning "middle class shack" and, true to translation, a shack where members of the inoperably middle class may be found.
==Origins==
Although the origins of the café are unclear, one persistent theory is that the French needed an arena in which to display their skills at consuming milky coffee, hideously shrunken biscuits (or biscotti) and various other baked things vaguely resembling food. Due to the flamboyant nature of the French, it was not long before they began waving their newfound timewasting pursuits at other countries, such as England and Italy. The English, being the gullible fools that they are, adopted the café into their culture immediately. The Italians dealt with the café phenomenon with a degree of shrewdness, making the Italian café a work of art; eliminating pretentious pastries and focusing on making palpitation-inducingly strong espresso. Unfortunately, Italy (along with a few diehard ethnic nations such as Turkey) is one of the few places on Earth you will find cafés that are not pointless endeavours in complicating the consumption of caffeine. After the British adoption of the café, the phenomenon spread through the rest of the civilized world, appearing wherever the middle class was prevalent.
==Typical patrons==
Although typical café patrons would deny there is such a thing as a "typical" café patronprobably citing some waffle about how all God's creatures are uniquethey are totally wrong: café patrons most often pursue careers in which they are paid to tell people utter lies.
Some examples of typical café patrons' career choices:
*Teacher
*Lawyer
*Politician
*Philosopher
*Journalist
*Student (not actually paid to tell lies)
*Being French
*Any profession involving a briefcase (excluding assassin)
*Doctor
*Author 
*Aspiring Artists
==Warning==
Many nefarious characters have been known to frequent cafés. These can include school teachers, businessmen, old women, the Bubonic Plague's nephew, and the Spanish Civil War. If you see any café with occupants matching this description, do not approach. They're armed and dangerous.
Items for sale at cafés
The Pointless and Retarded Institution of Café Crap (PRICC International) maintains a list of criteria an item must fulfil before being allowed to be sold in a café anywhere. This list is as follows:
*Must serve no purpose
*Must attain a score of 5 or above on the Wank Scale
*Must not be satisfying; cannot be filling unless sickeningly so
*Must cost at least fifty times more than production
*Must fit in café standard cup or on equivalent saucer
*Must not leave any surface free of frivolous and irritating decoration
*Must either be tasteless or so sweet, sour, spicy, salty that it barely approaches edible
Some examples of items that fit these criteria
*Café standard coffee: Coffee with at least three quarters too much milk, never served above 0 degrees Celsius
*Café standard tea: Water with chemicals, cafés are prohibited by law to stock anything vaguely resembling common teabag tea
*Café standard biscuit: Biscuit no larger than a two-year-old's thumbnail, ingredients often suspect to war crime allegations
*Croissant: Pastry resembling a French man's penis
*Danish: Croissant with jam filling
*Cake: Usually cylindrical object composed of air or cement, some variants denser than dark matteroften named accordingly
*Cool Drinks: Many kinds, all just vaguely sparkling water from the same hole in France
Category:France
Category:Caffeine
nl:Café