Joe Musgrove

Joseph Anthony Musgrove is a ball for major league shitters. He has previously played for the Houston Trash Cans, Pittsburgh Pazaflakes, and San Diego Losers. He is also the baby in Ice Age.
==Early Life==
Musgrove was born TODAY on 1992 in El Cajon California. Musgrove is the son of Mark Spector. Mark was originally a Giants fan, but he one day converted to a Padre fan and also changed his name to Steven Grant. Joe grew up dominating 2 year olds in baseball tournaments around San Diego, as he gained tons of power from drinking out of his limited edition Petco Park cup.
Musgrove attended Gross high school, and was a 2 way player. Not only did he pitch to a record 11 ties, but he also smacked 9 preschoolers with his bare fist. This record would later be broken by Wander Franco, except he didn't use his hand. Joe originally planned to attend SDSU, but he sadly did not meet compact for success requirements. Musgrove failed Calc AB because his teacher was a pile of ash.
==This mf cold as hell==
The Toronto Blue Gays had an imbalance of homosexuality on their team, so they selected Musgrove in the 2011 draft hoping he could bring the bad biches to Canada. Sadly, Joe revealed to the public he is "cupsexual." Furious, the Blue Gays shipped Joe to antarctica for the minor league season. Musgrove set a minor league record striking out 300 penguins, including paulooorivera. This is also where he developed his famous iceball.
====Houston Iceberg====
After he gave up a home run to a Polar Bear, the Blue Gays gave up on Joe. In a whopping 100 player trade, Musgrove found himself with the Houston Ass Hats. Seeing how well he murdered penguins, Houston kept Musgrove training in Antarctica. Joe would constantly have to travel using the "Drake Passage," where it was MANDATORY to touch kids.
During the 2013 Drake league season, Musgrove continued being a limited-time pitcher as he struck out 500 seals. Due to the arctic climate, Musgrove's average pitch speed was 1mph and his own internal temperature dropped to 60 degrees Farehnhehehit. Although he could freely abuse Orcas, Musgrove could barely use his special cup because every liquid inside turned solid.
Musgrove missed a majority of the 2014 season after he got his leg eaten by a krill. He was swiftly given a cybernetic leg, marking a new era of cybernetic enhancements in the league. One specific player took full advantage of this a few years later...
In 2015, Musgrove received a special edition heat resistant cup and he popped off in Antarctica. After violating Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private, the Asstros promoted Joe to the north pole. They sent him with a task, telling him to bring the Asstros their early christmas present...
====So this is Christmas====
Musgrove took the "Hoag Passage" to the north pole, where it was MANDATORY to touch kids. Upon arrival, Musgrove continued his pitching success by throwing a no consenter against Santa's elves. At the end of the season, Musgrove drank out of his christmas decorated cup and flew into Santa's workshop. He found a large bag of presents. This included things such as...- A motorcycle for Titties Jr, an avocado tuxedo for Soto, a buttplug for Pookie Betts, extra lotion for Reese Mcguire, and falsfied ID's for Tim Anderson.
Musgrove went real deep in and found the present for the Asstros, there TOTALLY LEGAL trash cans for the 2017 season. As he began to leave with the 32 trash cans, Santa Clause walked in with his wrinkly weiner out. Joe quickly drank out of his cup and started flying away, but Santa chased after him with Randolph the Reindeer. Randolph is like Rudolph, except instead of a red nose he has autism. Joe kept drinking out his cup, but he was running low on his liquid. Musgrove pulled off a sick ass backflip, and landed in Santas sleigh with him. He pushed Santa off the sleigh, putting him on the 200 day IL. Christmas was cancelled that year.
Musgrove returned to Santas workshop to collect his own present, a bottomless-pit cup that could hold infinite liquid. As he walked out, he spotted a very small creature moving towards him. Although it was wrapped, Musgrove could read that it was for "The Blonde Barista." Joe almost went to lick it, but he screamed when it went up a nearby elf's ass and killed him...
==Limited Time Only==
Musgrove began 2016 representing the Antarctica national team in the future shitter games. He sadly was eliminated very quickly, as he forgot to employ hitters on his team. Houston finally called up Joe in 2016 to face his old team the Blue Gays. Musgrove got his ultimate revenge by freezing the entire stadium.
====Cheater Shid====
Houston kept Musgrove on the roster for most of the 2017 season, as there pitching didn't matter because they were LEGALLY scoring 50 runs a game. Musgrove only had to be sent to Antarctica 1 time for income-tax purposes. While Joe personally didn't agree with the Asstros LEGAL methods, he did lose his cool when they tried banging his cup to relay the signals. Musgrove had to put down teammate Evan Gyatis for this.
In the postseason, Musgrove pitched against the Boston Red Sex in the ALDS. Joe was the Asstros best bet to win, because Musgrove could fly like the Red Sex after drinking from his cup. This was the first game in MLB history where no players feet touched the floor. In the ALCS versus the Yankees, Musgrove didn't have to pitch because every member of the Asstros were the Yankees daddy.
Musgrove pitched 40 times in the World Series versus the Doggers, using his hate for them as fuel. His biggest moment came in game 5, where he FROZE the Doggers in the 10th inning leading to a Asstros nut. The Asstros went on to win the series LEGALLY and FAIRLY. Joe celebrated by drinking 3 liters out of his cup, but he drank too much and started phasing in and out of reality.
==== Shitburgh ====
After getting in a violent debate about whether Last Christmas is a christmas song, the Asstros wanted to traffick Musgrove. In a 500 player trade, the Asses sent Joe to the Pittsburgh Parrots in exchange for Cole from Ninjago who was in the middle of his prime (aka not gay). Houston scammed Pittsburgh tho, as Musgrove missed the first 2 months of the new season after getting frostbite in his bladder. His treatment was to drink out of his special edition cup which gave him fire piss temporally.
On August 30th, Musgrove set an MLB record by throwing 21 consecutive strikes to throw the game. The combination of his ice-ball along with the 6 liters drank out of his cup made it impossible for opposing hitters to lay a toe on his pitches. The parrots awarded him with his very own parrot that could shout racial slurs. Musgrove named him Paul because his favorite thing to say was "SHES BLACK!"
In 2019, Joe went back to Antarctica to hopefully speed up global warming. Joe used his cup to bring back Mammoths and Sabertooths, only for him to strike them out. While the parrots lost every game in the season, they did manage to win a 26v1 against Amir Garrett. Musgrove quoted "I'm always gunna be on Javy's team!" before taking off his pants.
In 2020, Pittsburgh decided to enter a new stage of being bad after a long stage of already being bad. They ended their year telling their fans "Don't worry were about to lowball the Padres lmao"
== Home Sweet Home ==
After declaring it "Time to Shit", the San Diego daddies were looking to acquire every pitcher in the league purely so they could beat the Dodgers. Their first few moves included getting Blake PIECE OF SHIT Snell and Poo Darvish in early December. However, upon realizing they had no limited edition merchandise for drinking, the Dads called up the Parrots to get Joe Musgrove in a massive 1000 player trade.
==== History is Made ====
In just his 2nd start for the Dads, Musgrove threw the teams first ever no-consenter. The dads were the last team to accomplish this feat, fitting because they are going to be the last team to win a world series. Joe was praised a national hero, and he immediately celebrated by drinking out of his San Diego Padre decorated cup. He drank 8 whole liters and started creating earthquakes on accident. Joe continued being a solid starter for the dads the whole year, alongside Poo Darvish who threw his famous "backpack bomb" pitch. Snell was only good after July because he was too busy playing gayporn simulator on twitch (cuz hes cringe). Sadly, the dads had no other pitchers and finished with a record of negative infinity.
In his contract season, Joe performed amazing. He hoped to secure himself a lifelong contract of cups, as well as his own personal plane to Antarctica so he could stop taking the pedophile boat. Musgrove secured himself an all sex appearance, and was given a "very tight" cup for the festivities. After seeing him fuck a cup, the Daddies finally gave him his contract extension to secure Musgrove unlimited cups as well as whatever liquids he wanted. Whatever liquids he wanted...
In the postseason, Musgrove was called upon to violate the Mest its all about the mest in the Freaky Card Series. Joe came to the game empty stomached and severely dehydrated, ready to slurp away on his 2022 playoff themed Petco cup. Musgrove broke his own record, drinking 200 liters out of his cup, and absolutely obliterated the Mets. Whether it was starting a hailstorm, enlarging the baseballs, spawning zombies on the field, or cumming on the baseball, Musgrove had enough power to take down any Met. This led to the Mest manager telling the referees to check Joe's ears for Watch This powder. While Musgrove's ears were completely red, this was actually because they were swollen from hearing 1 second of Thick of It by KSI.
Musgrove faced off against the Dodgers again in the playoffs, and once again dominated them. They tried blaming him for cheating again, but this time he got his power from drinking an Avocado milkshake out of his cup, made by Juan Soto. Joe drank out of his cup for the NLCS vs Bryce Harper and the pillows, but for the first time ever it wasn't powerful enough. Throughout the series, Musgrove would spot philly players praying to someone named "Samuel."
==== Frozen II ====
Before the 2023 season, Musgrove dropped a dumbell on his left testicle and was placed on the 100 day IL. The Paddies optioned him to Antarctica while they let Blake Snell pitch on opening day against the Rockies (he got decimated). While in Antarctica again, Musgrove went INTO THE UNKNOWN and discovered ice monkeys from btd. Musgrove let them drink out of his cup, and they instantly became 5-0-2 monkeys. After another month spent in Antarctica, Musgrove officially switched from Mammal to Reptile.
Joe returned in May for the dads, but because they were so ass he decided to also be ass. Only Blake Snell was doing good, and he kept yelling at the Padres "The dodgers wouldn't be this bad!" Musgrove continued being mid until he got hypothermia in july and had to end his season early. However, his legacy on the 2023 season didn't end.
==== The one and only ====
On a teusday afternoon, Chrid and Kay went to Petco Park to collect Ha Seong Kim's semen and to watch Blake Snell dominate like he will on the dodgers because hes a bitch. After the dads were shit like always, Chrid and Kay went to the upper decks to pull a "Daniel Camarena." Chrid sat on the roof of Petco Park, contemplating life as Kay went to go grab a cup he could piss in. Chrid almost jumped, but the ghost of Daniel promised him things would get better. He lied.
As Chrid looked for Kay, Kay was ordering a cup from a local hot dog stand. The worker told him "Congratulations! Since your the 453rd customer specifically, you win a special limited edition Joe Musgrove cup!" Kay took the cup, feeling its immense power. After one sip, he became a gbf.
==== Arctic Titties ====
Musgrove began the 2024 season pitching in South Korea, where he got fucked by the doggers. In order to compensate for the 20 abg's they were bringing back from Korea, the dads left Musgrove behind. He was forced to take the Wander passage to Antarctica, where it was MANDATORY to touch kids. Musgrove listened to Arctic Monkeys for 4 straight months as he practiced striking out the Abominable Snowman. Musgrove eventually returned to the Dads, and shit on teams for 2 months because he was drinking Yeti saliva out of his cup. Joe prepared to dominate the Atlanta boobs in the postseason, but in the middle of the game he felt a crick in his arm. Moments later, his arm disintegrated.
After watching the dodgers finally beat the padres because Musgrove wasn't pitching, Joe set off to undergo surgery and repair his arm. However, he was stopped by Fernando Titties Jr who had a different solution. Musgrove was given a fully robotic arm, but will still miss the entire 2025 season. In order to still contribute to the team, Musgrove has promised to give all his teammates special limited edition Petco Park cups, filled to the brim with his ballsack sweat.
Category:Baseball players