Jay The Killer VS The Slender Man

Hi! I’m Jay Whatever and I’m BACK! I’m aware you all missed me, because I’m a awesome, original and well written character and not a total joke, aren’t I right? So, I should probably stop recapping my previous adventures before it gets tiresome, so from now on I’ll just say I’m a infamous killer whose success rate so far has been unfortunately low! The good news is that I’ve recently faced against some pretty big names on the internet horror universe! Isn’t it cool? I’m so excited about the epic battles I’ve been in that I’m not even abusing parentheses! Did you notice? Moving on, you all must’ve heard about the mysterious, sinister and mythical figure known only as SlenderMan! (I’m spelling his name like that, just so you know! And the parentheses are back too!) Right, what you may not be aware of is that myself here fought that son of a bitch and lived to tell the tale! (Before you ask, I’m not a Gary Stu, not matter what anyone else says!) It all started as any other story of mine, with myself bored to death at the Anyplace Mental Hospital, where I was hospitalized for the murder of my own parents! (Isn’t it scary? I bet SlenderMan didn’t kill his parents, did he?) I was trying some sudoku to distract myself from my murderous instincts, when that asshole nurse, (I think her name’s Betty!) stopped by to mock me! Betty, if that’s even her name, is a dumb bitch who can’t recognize how fearsome and evil I really am! So she comes to check on me daily just so she can tease me for constantly getting humiliated and arrested every time I try a killing spree! And that day wasn’t different! “How you’re doing, you whiny bastard? I hope you’re enjoying your time here in the loony bin, you stupid pussy! You know, because you’re staying here forever, or at least till you get out again to get your ass kicked once more!” This time I was feeling crazier than usual, so I stabbed her with a pen! (If you do remember, stabbing bullies with pens is kind of a thing with me! And don’t ask me why the heck they gave me a pen knowing that, because that’s not of importance!) There was a scream and some blood, but then things got weird! My bully nurse’s face just disappeared! SPOOKY! I’m not expert on faces and stuff, but I don’t think faces are supposed to vanish out of nowhere, right? So I was kinda creeped out, and then my faceless bully nurse started to convulse and dissolved on a big puddle of black goo! Isn’t it gross? I admit I was freaking out a little by this point, and it was before I saw a unnaturally tall, unnaturally skinny and very suspicious man staring down at me from out my window! At first glance I thought he may be just a strange tree, but then he started moving toward me, and I just stood there and watched as he phased trough my cell’s wall like some kind of bizarre ghost! He stood before me and I heard a demonic voice echoing everywhere! “Do you know who I am?” Now, I didn’t remember meeting some creepy dude with too long limbs, so I answered honestly! “I don’t think so! Who the heck are you? WHAT the hell are you?” (I hope you don’t mind some strong language!) “I’ll give you a hint! I’m always watching! ALWAYS!” “You’re Santa Claus?” There was a awkward silence, then I felt some kind of evil essence twisting all around the room, as if I had just pissed off the demonic thing before me! My suspicions were confirmed when the distorted voiced snarled at me! “You think you’re so fucking funny, don’t you? You have no idea what you just got yourself into!” “So you’re not Santa Claus?” I was starting to think I may’ve been wrong on my guess of the identity of the intimidating creature, but again, the air had just gotten unnaturally cold, and we all know Santa Claus loves the cold! So maybe the jolly old man had overdone his diet and now he was mad because he was way too skinny? “Shut up, you pathetic mortal! I’m not some damn holiday mascot! I’m fear itself! I’m the one who’s waiting on the bottom of all your darkest nightmares!” Very dramatic, you know? I still had no clue, to be honest! And I was starting to get out of ideas! “I may be wrong, but you’re Stephen King’s demonic clown?” Now the entire room was pulsating with some kind of raw hatred so intense it was almost impossible to fully understand! “I’m not Pennywise, less alone Santa Claus, you annoying dumbass! I AM THE SLENDER MAN!” Then it all clicked for me! “Right! It makes sense! You’re SlenderMan! I should’ve been able to guess!” “NO SHIT! Are you scared now? You should be!!” To be honest, I was more mildly annoyed than scared out of my mind! I mean, if I could survive my stupid little sister’s rank farts, I could survive some faceless evil thing, right? “So what do you want? And thanks for finishing her, by the way! It was helpful, if a little disturbing!” “SHUT UP! You’re even more annoying than that guy Jeff! And you’re a shameless ripoff of him, by the way!” That made me mad! Really truly mad! So I told him off! “You don’t know what you’re saying! I’m Jay The Killer, and I’m not a ripoff of anyone or anything! I’m not derivative or a Gary Stu! I’m a nightmarish murderer and villain who should be feared for everyone! Including you!” A chilling and distorted sound, like a laugh but corrupted and twisted, soon was heard all around me! “I fear no one, you useless thing! And just so you’re aware, I killed many like you! Moronic and spoiled amateur killers who believed themselves to be evil when they were actually just edgy!” I’ll be honest, this one made me hesitate for a moment! “You’re serious?” “Yep! I stalked and tortured and killed several little assholes without breaking a sweat! It’s a nice change of place so I won’t get bored kidnapping and finishing off random kids!” Now I was actually getting just a little intimidated! But I couldn’t give up! I was too stubborn for that! “I’m not afraid of you and I’ll never be! You don’t know what I’m capable of! Time for my catchphrase! Never again will you fart while alive!!” I was really expecting it to work, but instead I felt a surge of something, like a cloud or fog made of mixed emotions, just a powerful wave of frustration, anger, confusion, contempt, pity and amusement emanating from the faceless thing! “That’s too much! I dealt with idiots before, but you’re on a different level! I’m done with your bullshit! I won’t even murder you, just because you’re not worth the effort! I mean, you’ll probably get yourself killed eventually, assuming you don’t realize for yourself that you’re a worthless maggot and end your own life! GOODBYE!” Then the faceless monster vanished out of existence suddenly! I blinked and just like that, there was no sign of the SlenderMan, the black goo or the evil voice or the chilling cold! Everything was back to normal! He had spared me! Later I took the blame, (or should I say the credit?) for the death of the bully nurse, and never told anyone about this till now! That was the first sign that my life was about to be spiraling out of control even more than before! But that’s enough for now! So till my next killing spree! HAHAHA!
THE END?
Category:Trollpasta
Category:MARY SUE ALERT
Category:Wall of Text
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Overused Running Gag
Category:DIALOGUE!
Category:Stupid is as the main character does
Category:Blatant Ripoffs
Category:Excessive Profanity
Category:Satire
Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.
Category:PROOF DAT SLENDURMAN EXUSTS