Pokémon Piss Yellow II: Piss Harder

Bonus drinking game: Take a shot every time you hear the word "Fuck."
It's been a while now, since the Super Spooky Haunted Game Murders began. Hi, my name is Bob, I'm a police chief at the CWCVille PD. I've been doing this for about a solid 3 weeks and this is the most difficult case I've taken. Every scene is the same. The victims look like they'd just had thier life essence™ sucked right out of them, and they all had destroyed computers/Game boys with data (that was somehow still salvagable) from a game called "Pokémon Piss Yellow." There's also a shit ton of ketchup and strawberry jam splattered all over the damn place. We also have precisely jack shit that might point us in the killer's direction. Well, that's not entirely true. We did have a detective on the case, and I think they knew more about this then anyone else... a bit too much... (wink wink) we got some asshole named Darek Green, but he was obviously delusional, so we threw him in a mental hospital. We got another detective, called Dickface, to sort this shit out. They're the best detective we have, they can solve anything.
He's dead now.
It seemed like he was onto something, and we found his very personal, secretive diary that he for some reason wrote highly sensitive case details into at the scene of his death.
Cool. Let's read it.
;October 29th, 2017:
"Dear Diary,
So I found this diary that I got a while back that I hadn't put a lock on, backed up, or taken any safety measure to ensure that nobody could break into it. This'll be useful when I'm assigned to a top-secret investigation. Nothing else to write about, so I think I'll sign off for today."
;October 31st, 2017:
"Wow. Interesting way to start a case on Christmas. After the last case where I really fucked up by opening fire on someone who asked to see a warrant, I've been demoted to the supervision of some dickass named Bob.
P.D. Note: Well, fuck you too.
It was their fault for being a suspect. Anyway, they say there's been a few murders in this town. Been awhile since I've had one of those. Hopefully this one won't involve another cult."
;Later that day:
"Damn. This dude got fucked up bad. The poor bastard looks like someone tried to shove a glass jar down his throat. Kinky.
P.D Note: what the fuck.
There's a lotta... ketchup? On the wall and the victim had a destroyed game boy and a badly damaged game. We sent it to the lab boys for research.
;Later that day:
"So the results are back. The thing is completely fucked.
Not sure what I expected."
;November 1st, 2017:
"Me have a theory to this. The killer either destroyed the game boy or the victim did it themselves. Wait, that's dumb. Who else could have destroyed it? I don't have an eraser. Shit."
;November 2nd, 2017:
"There's been a few more killings. All the same method. The same scene. I've been thinking about the significance of the recovered data. *Pokémon Piss Yellow?* Reminds me of the times I played those games as a child. I remember would always play shitty .exe romhacks. Man, edgy kids are stupid. But how does it relate to the killings? I never thought it possible for something to suck so bad it killed. Probably just another one of edgy emo teen 'Killers' we hear so much about."
;November 3rd, 2017:
"More killings. How nice. Bob told me that it would be a good idea to ignore the game, one of the things that has remained consistant throughout all the killings. What an idiot, why must I work with him? Why did that dude just not let me raid his house?"
;November 4th, 2017:
"We got an autopsy. The vicims are actually comatose, and that means we preformed autopsies on people who were still alive. How"
;Later that day:
"More autopsies. Their hearts and brains still work ed, before we removed them and they appear to be in perfect health, apart from the fact that we stole their hearts and put them in jars. It's almost like Satan himself is handpicking random people to suck rob of their self awareness."
;November 5th, 2017:
"My roomate that I hadn't mentioned up until now is acting strangely. Maybe he just got hooked on meth again, but I'm not sure. Also, there's some weird shit on the news about people starting a cult around some dude who calls himself 'X' and they want to quote unquote, 'Kill the white Cis scum.' Kids these days ..."
;November 7th, 2017:
"Ok, so my roommate shut themselves in their room for days. Eh, not my problem. So I think the murderer could be comming after the people who play the game, and when they do, they track them down, put them in a coma, and scribble with strawberry jam.
Wait a second...
My roommate told me something about a new romhack going around...
Fuck, not again."
;Later that day:
"Aaaaand he's dead. Oh well. Not the first time he got his soul stolen, though. He's played like six haunted games and sold his soul to satan twice for unlimited vodka. (He's also Russian) He'll be back in about a week, tops."
;November 8th, 2017:
"Called the guys at the station to help me move his shit into my room. I didn't do it last night because I was tired. But I've been thinking. Did the killer found out and try to cover his\her ass? What is the significance of Pokémon? Why am I not in jail after I shot an innocent person? Fucking magnets, how do they work?"
;November 10th, 2017:
"So, I was at my roommate's like, eighth funeral when some woman named Shannon Goldman from that cult walked up to me and said some dumb shit about how X will 'Put this specimen to good use' and how he will 'Fuck you hard lmao square up kid' and 'Stop hitting me or else I will call the police.' Bitch is a goddamn psycho. Little did she know, I AM the police. It seems as if this killer is making as big an impact on the public as this 'X' kid is. (*WINK WINK)"
;November 12th, 2017:
"Jesus, fuck me in the ass and call me Susan, this is like, the 12,456,210,007th murder! How the HECK is they doing it so easily? Anyway, I was looking at my roommate's computer and he had that 'Pokémon Piss Yellow' game. Unlike the other victims, this computer only looked like it had been beaten up six times instead of seven. But how in the holy name of fuck nuggets did they get this? But I shouldn't pay attention to it. There's no way a computer game could hold my roommate for longer than a day, right?"
;November 13th, 2017:
"Ok, maybe the game is a little bit sPoOktaCUlaR. Last night I had a dream where I was trapped in a dark room, with a fucked up looking pikachu talking to me, telling me to play the game. But this is where he made a mistake, because in order to get through to me, I had to have some level of awareness, which led to me becoming lucid, which led to me creating an oven where I punted the little fucker across the room lmao it was goddamn hilarious. But why would Pikachu of all things want me to play a game that possibly killed my roommate?"
;November 15th, 2017:
"Anotha one. Number... Ah fuck I lost count at 77. Anyway, this 'Cult of X' seems to be bothering the public more and more... Wait...
Oh my god...
I forgot to grab my roommate's really nice pair of headphones! Oh, and this 'X' asshole might be the killer. I mean, they've been recruiting more and more people, and the murders have only sped up. There are also now 'mass killings' where a whole lotta people die seemingly at the same time. Maybe this 'X' dude got a hold of this game and said out loud to the heavens, 'If I commit mass murder, then I will finally be loved!' What a loser. Now I have to deal with another fucking cult."
;November 17th, 2017:
"Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck fuck Fuck fUck fuuuuck FuUuUck Fuck.
Author's note: I take no fucking responsibility for any fucking damage caused by the fucking drinking game. Fucking drink responsibly. Fuck.
Bob came over and told me I'm being fired for 'Being incompetent' and 'assault.'
BULL.
FRIGGIN.
HORSE SHIT.
I would have shot him he hadn't ripped the gun out of my hands when I pulled it. Fuck that noise, I'm gonna find this X fuckface and turn his ass in for illegal use of magic!"
;November 18th, 2017:
"More killings, the boss contacted me (because HE'S not an asshole) and told me we're up to 400+. How? Anyway, I hope this penis-licker dies in a plane crash."
;November 19th, 2017:
"I saw I pikachu plush on my desk today. What the hecking heck? I don't remember either me or my roommate buying that? And it had the same fucked up look from the pikachu I punted into the oven that one night. It had a note attached:
'Why did you do that, you asshole? Being put into the oven fuckin' hurts, you know?'
I put it in the oven to be safe."
;Later that day:
"I was just thinking about the info I'd gathered. I hadn't shared it with anyone, because nobody would believe me. I don't want to get put into a mental hospital like that Darek douche. I guess if you want to solve a case, you have to do it yourself because fuck teamwork, that's how investigation works."
;November 20th, 2017:
"Some guy on Twitter named Cole DM'D me and told me he knew about the Pokémon Piss Yellow murders. It looked sketchy as fuck, but I don't have a choice. He told me that first I'd need to get the files of the victims from the station. I grabbed my trusty NERF machine gun and my roommate's RPG-12 and prepared to head out. I'm also gonna put a box of explosives and highly lethal assault weaponry in my desk just to fuck with them. Looks like I'm gonna have to do this the hard way..."
;November 21st, 2017:
"Right. So Cole told me that the Cult of X is involved. Goddammit. They get the Pokémon Piss Yellow games out everywhere, Ebay, flea markets, that sort of thing. Then, the people who play them get their soul stolen. My only question is...
Why the fuck did I need to steal the files back and kill 23 people?"
;November 22nd, 2017:
"I couldn't hold myself any longer. I finally broke into my roommate's safe with $10,000 in it by prying it open with a crowbar.
Oh yeah, I also played that game that killed everybody. It was lame. This is how it went:
BLOOD BLOOD FOUNTAIN BLOOD BLOOD BLACK BLACK RED RED RED BLOOD BLEEDING OUT OF THE EYES BLOOD BLOOD BLACK RED RED RED RED BLOOD BLACK RED AND BLACK BLOOD EYES BLACK RED RED BLACK BLOOD BLOOD STATIC AND THE SCREEN FADED TO BLACK AND BLOOD. THERE WAS RED. AND DEAD PUPPIES. ALSO ED SHERRAN SONGS IN REVERSE.
Like, lmao that was pussy shit. Me, being a career detective and investigating many murder cases, I've seen worse in real life. The person who made this doesn't even understand human anatomy. The game also said my name, but I've seen a lot of .exe games datamine your PC. It also dicked around with my files and such, but Pokémon Piss Yellow was no match for the task manager. This is the game that killed over 1000 people? Fuck this noise, I'ma go play a real horror game, like silent hill or LSD: Dream Emulator."
;November 23rd, 2017:
"Alright, so I asked Cole who the fuck X is and what he said made me shit bricks.
X is a supernatural being from another dimension, hellbent on stealing souls for... Some reason. Seems legit. Anyway, a while ago, somebody made these games to serve as a window between their world an ours, and it is HELL. Well, not really, but pretty heckin' close. And once someone plays it, they send out a Spy Plushie™ to kill them.
I then sent him a referral from my psychologist."
;November 24th, 2017:
"I escaped from a few members of the cult trying to kidnap me, but I always carry my trusty nerf MG at all times since I hit the police station, so I was able to hold them off. There have been 1,223 murders now. After a kidnapping attempt you think I'd lay low for a while, but my roommate is Russian and he'd taught me some of his tricks, so I should be good. No word from Cole yet, because I think he's seeing a psychologist."
;Later that day:
"Oh shit, I just realized something. I think Bob might be a member of the cult!
P.D. Note: No I'm not you paranoid ass.
I mean, he kicked me off the case for some pretty trivial reasons. Sure, I assaulted somebody and was being incompetent, but everybody makes mistakes! It's the ONLY explanation! When I find this prick, they're going down..."
;November 25th, 2017:
"Boss called, more murders. We're up to over 5,000 now. How the hell is there not a mass panic? There have been over 5,000 deaths from allegedly the same thing over the course of two months! Anyway, my 'Friend' named Xx_Pussydestroyer_xX is now helping me, the boss, and Cole (we're a vigilante detective group now because fuck you) on the case. I airchecked 'friend' because he is the most arrogant, pretentious, stuck-up and possibly delusional person you will ever meet. I realized this a long time ago, and refused to contact him for 20 years. Until recently, when I sent him a copy of Pokémon Piss Yellow in an attempt to assassinate him so they would stop writing shitty horror stories. I even pretended X was after me and hastily wrote the letter. But because of some fuckin' tragedy he survived the Spy Plushie™ and an edgy teen trying to kill him, so we now have him helping us on the case. The boss says I'll have to work with him if I want to stay on the new team.
Fuck me, where can I sign up to join this cult?"
;November 26th, 2017:
"Cole called me again and told me more about X and his shitty .exe game. He said that the Pokémon you encounter in the game are actually the souls of people who were killed by the game. They're turned into horrific parodies of their favorite Pokémon.
Author's Note: Horrific parodies? Isn't that what I'm doing with these stories?
And then X sets up the games to see what us humans have in store... Wait a second...
What if your favorite Pokémon is Arceus? Do you have its powers inside the game? Does X nerf the legendaries? What if you've never heard of Pokémon? What if you hated it? What if your favorite Pokémon was the possessed pikachu on the cover? And most importantly...
What about Digimon?"
;November 30th, 2017:
"After gaining more intel on X, and discovering that there were 4,000 more murders, our vigilante detective group decided to do the unthinkable.
We're going into X's realm and we're gonna bust a cap in his ass. This may seem drastic, but... Uh... Well, it is, but what else are we gonna do, arrest the cartrages? There's no other way. The boss got us all some ghostbusting equipment and anti-video game demon spray from the station. (They have very specific mesures against that ever since the [REDACTED] indecent) I have my nerf MG, Cole has a BFG that he built using 'spare parts' and Xx_Pussydestroyer_xX has nothing. He'll be the cannon fodder. Just kidding, he has his repulsive personality. If this is my last entry, then you know what happened. Please tell my ex wife that I fuckin' hated that dumb bitch lmao, and if you're reading this, it may be up to you to finish this. But I've played DOOM on hurt me plenty difficulty, so we should be good."
;Later that night:
"Right. We're all here in my apartment now, and the Boss's got the GoPro™ (Yeah, we're doing it live on twitch, right here right now) we have the game ready, we have our equipment, and I've set up the stream. Xx_Pussydestroyer_xX is starting up the game and............... alright. There's a message on the screen that says 'LOOK BEHIND YOU.' And so we are, and... There's another Pikachu plush. I'm just gonna pick it up and throw it in the... Wait, why are its eyes glow-OH GOD WHAT THE FUCKING MOTHER OF FUCK NUGGETS WHY IN THE HOLY FUCKING NAME OF FUCK FUCK DOES GETTING YOUR SOUL SUCKED OUT THROUGH YOUR DICK HURT SO MUCH-OW SHIT I REGRET EVERYTHING THIS IS HOW I DIE FUCK OW GODDAMN IT GOODBYE CRUEL WOOOOOoooooooorld.
P.D. Note: Yes, this is actually what was written on the page.
This is the last entry. It's December 5nd now. We searched Dickface's apartment when he didn't show up to court for his assault and 1st degree murder charges. The weird thing is, there were no corpses or bodies, just his journal. The stream went offline when they entered X's world. I should have mentioned that at the beginning that all four of them died at the same place, but fuck it, it would have spoiled the reveal. Now, I feel hopeless. He may have shot up a police station and been incompetent and murdered someone that one time, but he was our best. Guess I should just sign up for this cult myself, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Unless.... Wait... The box of weapons Dickface put in his desk! From his November 20th entry! Maybe they're still there...
No, they aren't. They were seized as evidence.
Well, guess I'm off to the recruitment center.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Pokemon
Category:Satire
Category:Pointless Violence
Category:Unnecessary Sequels
Category:Title that makes babbies laugh
Category:MOTHER OF FUCK THIS PAGE IS LONG LIKE MY PAINIS