EuroCity

KUUUUUURRRRRRRRVVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
EuroCity (EC) trains are supposed to be "higher-quality" trains, originally designed to offer comfortable and fast connections between major European cities. In practice, however, they represent a bizarre mix of technical optimism, cultural differences in the concept of punctuality, and a fascinating art of improvisation that can turn even a short journey into an epic expedition with an uncertain outcome. If you've ever wanted to experience an adventure on the edge of reality and railway surrealism, then you're on the right train—assuming it even arrives.
== History ==
In 1957, the Trans Europ Express (TEE) network was created to offer luxurious rail connections between major European cities. These were supposed to be fast and reliable trains for wealthy businessmen, but from day one, they suffered from breakdowns, accidents, and technological obsolescence before even entering service. In 1986, several railway administrations decided to revive this doomed concept and introduced a new category: EuroCity (EC), this time for less affluent travelers. The result? Chaos on a larger scale. The trains were meant to provide comfortable connections between European cities but instead brought irregularity, endless delays, and the occasional disappearance of entire trainsets into unknown railway dimensions. By 1993, the situation had become so unsustainable that night operations had to be separated into a new category: EuroNight (EN). This was supposed to bring clarity but instead introduced yet another layer of confusion. Rather than peaceful sleep, night trains offered the sounds of disintegrating bogies, power failures, and an unclear final destination.
After the fall of the Iron Curtain, it was decided that EuroCity trains should also serve Eastern Europe. The first attempt was the EC Lehár between Vienna and Budapest. Passengers quickly realized that quality standards remained purely theoretical. Eastern European railway companies joined the project, but their trains did not meet Western standards. Improvisation became the norm, and even the most battered rolling stock began receiving EC branding. The Austrians solved the issue by introducing their own designation, ÖBB EC. Slovakia started classifying some of these trains as Express (Ex), and Western European railways began blocking any further expansion. Stricter entry requirements for EuroNight were introduced primarily to prevent further contamination by Eastern European railway standards.
Today, Western European countries are quietly abandoning the EuroCity brand. Spain has abolished them entirely, France is replacing them with TGVs, and Germany is pretending they never existed. Meanwhile, in Eastern Europe, they survive as unpredictable connections with unclear schedules, low-quality catering, and ride comfort directly proportional to the age of the trainset. For those seeking a journey filled with unexpected twists, nervous breakdowns, and live demonstrations of physics in action, EuroCity is the perfect choice. Whether the train reaches its destination—and when—remains one of the great mysteries of modern rail travel.
== Services ==
For the price of a Caribbean vacation, you get an experience that will make you reconsider your life choices. It doesn’t matter where you're traveling from or to—prepare for an apocalyptic expedition where you may encounter the corpses of passengers who were supposed to take a completely different train but, thanks to an average delay of 14 years, somehow ended up here instead.
The moment you manage to fight your way into the carriage (after a battle with aggressive pensioners and ruthless ticket inspectors), you’ll find that most seats are unavailable. Not because they’re occupied, but because the decomposing bodies of previous passengers have fused with the upholstery, creating a new form of organic matter. If you’re lucky enough to find a seat, get ready for:
* Sandpaper-like padding that will scrape your skin raw.
* Cigarette burns, because the "no smoking" rules apply only to the signs.
* Unidentifiable fluids—it's best not to ask.
Some trains even offer sleeper carriages, which may sound appealing until you realize that the mattresses date back to the Soviet era and primarily serve as a sanctuary for bedbug colonies and mold that has evolved to perform photosynthesis.
Onboard, you'll find an impressive range of amenities, including:
* Power sockets that deliver a near-defibrillation experience when you try to charge your phone.
* A broken air-conditioning system, turning the train into a pizza oven (87°C) in summer and a cryogenic chamber (-70°C) in winter.
* Toilets in a radioactive state, where the flush works about once a month, but the overflow function operates continuously. Walking across the floor is only possible in a hazmat suit.
EuroCity proudly offers fares that compete with transatlantic flights—except with significantly worse service.
Route 	2nd Class Price	1st Class Price
Prague – Berlin 	€150 ($165) 	€400 ($440)
Prague – Budapest	€120 ($130) 	€320 ($350)
Vienna – Munich 	€160 ($175) 	€450 ($495)
If you buy a ticket at the last minute, prepare to pay double—because “dynamic pricing” means that the closer you get to departure, the more the railway will extort you.
The dining car is a trap for desperate passengers who choose to ignore their basic survival instincts. Meal prices match those of a luxury dinner in Paris, but the quality is on par with a dumpster behind a Vietnamese restaurant.
thumb|Finest dish in EuroCity trains
Item 	Price 	Description
Rotting rat (served cold) 	€35 ($38)	A timeless classic straight from storage
Thirty Years' War-era baguette 	€28 ($30)	Bonus XP if you manage to chew through it
Literal shit 	€45 ($50)	Why pay for it when it's already on the floor?
Beer (i.e., recycled urine from the staff)	€18 ($20)	Naturally warm, no bubbles
Bottle of water (0.5L, unknown origin) 	€25 ($28)	Probably full of microplastics and iron traces
You can pay by card, but the terminal may or may not work, since it was probably stolen. If you're lucky, the staff might offer you the option to pay in kind—or with a kidney.
EuroCity isn’t just a means of transport. It’s an experience that will change you forever. If you want to see what it’s like to go through purgatory without actually dying, EC is your best bet. Just don’t forget your essential survival gear:
* A gas mask (for navigating the toilets).
* Fireproof clothing (in case of an onboard electrical fire).
* Your last will and testament.
== Operators ==
Since EuroCity (EC) trains are a European matter, they are operated by various state railway companies. Unfortunately, this means that every train is simultaneously a war zone, a cattle transport, a survival test, and a psychological experiment. If you dare to travel on these trains, prepare for torture, inhumane treatment, brutal delays, and madness from which there is no return.
Below is a list of EC operators and their "services":
Railway Company 	Country 	Average Delay	Services 	Train Condition 	Travel Time (without delay)	Travel Time (with delay) 	Survival Probability 	Average Death Toll per Train 	Worst Incident 	Coupe Conditions 	Possible Mutations After Arrival 	Average car
České dráhy (ČD) 	Czech Republic	73 years 	The conductor, instead of giving you a fine, ties you to the tracks, while the barman in the dining car pours you deep-frying oil instead of coffee.	Each carriage contains at least 4 types of mold and 1 type of radioactive waste. 	2 years 	73 years (during the journey, the government collapses twice) 	35% (you survive if you don’t catch an unknown infection from the seat)	4-6 (mostly lost in a carriage that disappeared into another reality)	The night train to Košice ate its own passengers 	Urine-soaked seats, pigeon nest inside 	Permanent vomiting, possible telepathy 	frameless
Deutsche Bahn (DB) 	Germany 	92 years 	The conductor checks your ticket, smiles, then kicks you for no reason and says, "That’s for the delay." 	The trains are luxurious but never work. Air conditioning either doesn't exist or runs at -50°C.	8 months 	92 years (during the journey, Germany changes chancellors three times) 	20% (higher chance if you manage to survive in the dining car) 	12-15 (most freeze to death or die of heatstroke on the same ride) 	The ICE train was delayed so much that passengers aged and died of natural causes	A combination of sauna and freezer, with some unexploded WWII ordnance	Mutation into gelatinous mass, spontaneous combustion upon mention of punctuality 	
ÖBB (Österreichische Bundesbahnen) 	Austria 	124 years 	At the border, passport control will deport you back unless you have Mozartkugeln in your pocket. 	Carriages contain remnants of Austro-Hungarian field hospitals. 	3 years 	124 years (every passenger must swear allegiance to the Habsburgs) 	14% (if you are of noble blood, your chances increase slightly) 	8-10 (most die in a sword duel over seat disputes) 	First-class passengers slaughtered second-class passengers due to lack of space 	Luxurious upholstery but infested with tuberculosis-carrying fleas 	Mutation into an aristocratic zombie 	
SNCF (Société nationale des chemins de fer français)	France 	233 years 	The conductor takes your passport during ticket control and uses it as a napkin for his croissant. 	The trains are beautiful but never depart. 	20 years 	233 years (the entire staff is permanently on strike) 	0.5% (if you’re not a union member, you die) 	50+ (mostly executed by the revolutionary tribunal on the platform) 	The TGV train exploded because someone said "capitalism" 	Luxurious, but occupied by communist militias 	Mutation into Karl Marx, permanently striking DNA 	
CFR Călători 	Romania 	345 years 	The conductor gives you two choices: either let them steal your kidney or remain on the train forever. 	The train is a mix of cattle car and black magic. 	30 years 	345 years (the train operates only in dreams) 	0.1% (higher chance if you’re a vampire) 	70+ (most sold for organs) 	The train entered Transylvania and never exited 	The coupe is more like a cage, possibly coffins 	Mutation into Dracula, extreme immortality 	
ZSSK (Železničná spoločnosť Slovensko) 	Slovakia 	666 years 	The conductor accuses you of liberalism and sends you to forced labor. 	The train is manually pulled by malnourished horses. 	50 years 	666 years (the government changes 800 times, the conductor violates a sheep)	0% (nobody survived) 	100+ (most committed suicide upon seeing the dining car menu) 	The conductor sacrificed passengers to a deity at Poprad-Tatry station 	The dining car contains 200-year-old hay and bloodstains 	Mutation into a shepherd, continuous bleating, sometimes sudden urge to rape sheep	frameless
== Trains ==
EuroCity trains will surely leave a mark on your soul. Some of them burn it completely.
Train Name 	Route 	Operator 	Theoretical Travel Time	Actual Travel Time (with Delay) 	Chance of Survival 	Onboard Services & Special Cars 	Interesting Fact 	Photo from trip
EC 1942 "Heydrich" 	Prague – Auschwitz via Lidice and Ležáky 	České dráhy (ČD) 	10 hours 	80 years (history is still rewritten) 	0.1% (only Nazi informants survive) 	Dining car serves food stolen from deported families, Car 2: Gestapo interrogation cell 	Ticket includes forced labor upon arrival 	
EC 1938 "Anschluss" 	Vienna – Berlin via Sudetenland and Surrender 	Österreichische Bundesbahnen (ÖBB)	9 hours 	85 years (every stop is another lost piece of sovereignty) 	0.01% (only high-ranking Nazis get first-class) 	Car 1: Austrian politicians kneeling before Hitler, Dining car serves only broken neutrality	Train staff consists entirely of smiling collaborators 	
EC 1940 "Katyn" 	Warsaw – Smolensk via Soviet Bullet to the Skull 	Polskie Koleje Państwowe (PKP) 	12 hours 	Forever (train doesn’t stop, only its passengers do) 	0% (only NKVD officers return) 	Dining car serves blood-soaked rations, Car 4: Sealed tight, no return tickets 	Ticket price includes a free execution 	
EC 1956 "Imre Nagy" 	Budapest – Moscow via Tanks 	MÁV (Hungarian State Railways) 	14 hours 	70 years (Hungary still waiting for freedom) 	0.01% (only Soviet sympathizers get a seat) 	Car 1: Communist propaganda blasting 24/7, Dining car serves molotov coctails 	Every station covered in Soviet blood 	
EC 1995 
"Karadžić" 	Sarajevo – Banja Luka via Srebrenica 	Železnice Republike Srpske 	2 hours 	100 years (stopped by war crimes tribunal) 	0.05% (only war criminals survive) 	Car 3: Filled with bound prisoners, Dining car serves only ethnic hatred 	Car 4 renamed to "Ethnic Cleansing Compartment" 	
EC 1939 "Westerplatte" 	Gdańsk – Berlin via Blitzkrieg 	PKP & Deutsche Bahn 	6 hours 	85 years (Germany already wrote the timetable) 	0% (Poland never had a chance) 	Dining car serves stolen bread, Conductors dressed in Wehrmacht uniforms 	First-class reserved for Nazi officers 	
EC 1848 "Habsburg" 	Vienna – Budapest 	ÖBB & MÁV 	5 hours 	176 years (Hungary still hates the Habsburgs) 	0.1% (only aristocrats travel comfortably) 	Dining car serves only imperial leftovers, Car 3: Reserved for forced conscripts 	Every ticket comes with a slap from a Viennese noble 	
EC 2004 "Beslan" 	Moscow – Grozny 	Russian Railways (RZD) 	10 hours 	Eternity (every stop another war crime) 	0% (only the executioners leave alive) 	Car 1: Armed Chechen rebels, Car 2: FSB torture chamber 	Dining car serves only the sound of crying parents 	
EC 1944 "Warsowia - okupaczny"	Warsaw – Death via Soviet soldier across the river	PKP 	6 hours 	80 years (train stops for betrayal at every station) 	0.01% (only Soviets watching from across the river survive)	Dining car serves false hope, Car 3: Reserved for dying resistance fighters 	Train never reaches Moscow – the Red Army doesn’t move 	
EC 1943 "Treblinka Express" 	Kraków – Treblinka 	PKP & Deutsche Bahn 	3 hours 	Timeless (train always arrives on time, but passengers never leave)	0% (destination: Final Solution) 	Dining car serves only silence, Conductors wear SS uniforms 	First-class reserved for Sonderkommando, second-class is a lie	
== EC vs Amtrak ==
EuroCity vs. Amtrak: Two Continents, Same Rotting Hell
Category 	EuroCity (EC) 	Amtrak
Average Delay 	50–500 years (Delays are measured in centuries, not minutes. Your grandfather bought a ticket, you were born, grew old, and you’re still waiting for the same train.)	1–3 centuries (If the train isn't derailed, robbed, or abandoned somewhere in the prairie where passengers die of hunger and resort to cannibalism.)
Onboard Services 	Dining car offers a selection between hairy meat of unknown origin and coffee that was used three weeks ago as an industrial solvent. 	The menu consists of plastic sandwiches stuffed with cardboard, coffee filtered through a hobo’s sock, and cola older than your mother.
Condition of Trains 	Metal coffins from the Soviet era, covered in layers of rust, biological waste, and the despair of passengers who never made it out. 	Duct-taped together wrecks that haven’t been cleaned since the Reagan administration, filled with the stench of urine, fried food, and crushed dreams.
Travel Time (without delays) 	3–12 hours (According to the schedule, if such a thing still exists.) 	5–18 hours (Theoretically. If the tracks aren’t stolen, blown up, or occupied by armed lunatics.)
Travel Time (with delays) 	Infinite (By the time you arrive, the entire political system of your country has collapsed and been replaced twice.) 	Eternal (Your great-grandchildren will arrive at the destination to collect your bones.)
Chance of Survival 	30% (Survival depends on whether you contract an unknown disease from the seats or get eaten by wild dogs at a random Eastern European station.) 	20% (Survival depends on whether you avoid getting shot in a random gang shootout or poisoned by train food.)
Average Death Toll per Trip 	5–20 passengers (Most disappear into a parallel dimension inside a lost carriage.) 	2–15 passengers (Mostly shot, stabbed, or thrown out at full speed.)
Worst Incident 	The night train to Košice ate its own passengers. 	An Amtrak train derailed in Chicago, but passengers were more concerned about their missing luggage than the bodies in the wreckage.
Conditions in Compartments 	Piss-soaked seats, moldy walls, and pigeons nesting inside. You sit next to a guy who hasn't bathed since the Cold War and a lady who smuggles live chickens. 	Sticky floors covered in spilled beer, blood, and fast-food grease. A homeless guy sleeps across three seats, while a family of raccoons rummages through the trash in the corner.
Possible Mutations Upon Arrival	Permanent vomiting, telepathic visions, and an inexplicable craving for expired canned meat. 	Chronic depression, loss of faith in humanity, and an increased tolerance for being mugged.
If you have to choose between EuroCity and Amtrak, just walk instead. Your journey will be faster, safer, and smell significantly less like human excrement and despair.
Category:Shameless Verbatim Translations
Category:Trains
Category:Transport
Category:Transportation
Category:Expensive
Category:Things that could kill Jesus
Category:Things America Did Not Invent
Category:France
Category:Germany
Category:Czech Republic
Category:Hungary
Category:Romania
Category:Poland
Category:Racism
Category:Bat Fuck Insane