The Swans Are up for Grabs

The first I knew of Her Majesty's death was when scannerofcrap scurried into my yard, with a most worried look on his face.
I was rolling around in the mud in front of a bulldozer. "May I join you," asked scannerofcrap. I assented.
After a jolly good roll, scannerofcrap asked me, "why is there a bulldozer here?"
"They are going to knock down this house to widen the M2," I replied.
"And you are rolling in the mud to stop them from knocking it down?," asked scannerofcrap.
"Nah, it's a rental, fuck it. I just like rolling around in the mud," I stated.
"Great. Because the Queen is dead and it's the end of the world," stated scannerofcrap sombrely. "We have to gather all the swans now the Queen no longer owns them."
"Swan... queen... We are fond of the Queen out here in the Colonies but it isn't the end of the world," I sceptically replied.
"I have a secret I must share. I am not just a writer of higher quality horror parodies than Bob," he explained, "I am a professional writer. I am a writer for the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's owned by Murdoch of course."
At this point I knew that scannerofcrap was off his trolley but I didn't want to spook him. "Well, let's er round up some swans then."
We spent a few hours in canals and rivers rounding up swans. We saw two rockets shooting into the sky. Scannerofcrap squinted up at the sky, "not long now. Elon and Bezos have already left."
I just shook my head - this made no sense.
We roped the swans together. scannerofcrap talked to them in a strange tongue. "Hold on!", he yelled while grabbing a rope. I did the same.
The swans lifted us off the ground. Higher and higher. I could see for hundreds of kilometres. Higher and higher we climbed, until I could see the curvature of the earth. We continued to climb. We left the earth's atmosphere.
Scannerofcrap turned the swan-ship radio on. "There are reports that the Queen's skeleton has come back to life and is terrorising London"
A posh voice interrupted the broadcast, "Hello bitches. I ruled you for 70 years, do you think I would stop now?"
Scannerofcrap explained, "Her Majesty kept the swans to herself, so no one could escape. She will turn the world into the New British Empire. Scotland will be the only free place on earth."
As we listened to the radio over the coming days skeleton armies invaded the rest of the countries on earth, except Scotland. United States was put in charge of the skeleton of King George III. China - "we're taking back Hong Kong, and the rest!"
"What do we do now," I lamented to scannerofcrap, "should we go to Mars?"
"Nah, Elon's already there and he's worse than the Queen. We will just keep going."
Hours became days, days became weeks, weeks became months. At first I could cover the earth with my finger, then it became a dot, then I could cover the sun with my finger, then it became a dot. Then it was extinguished. We were lost in the darkness of space.
Finally I spotted something. A little spec of light. We directed the swans toward it.
A neon sign began to appear as we approached closer, "THE RESTAURANT AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE"
We landed our swans.
Manny the Paranoid Android was giving handjobs in the carpark. "Brain the size of a planet and I'm here just giving out handjobs"
After a quickie scannerofcrap and I headed into the restaurant to plan our rescue of earth.
At least, we would have if we hadn't accidentally deleted the earth. Sorry!
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Inside Jokes
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep