Rise Against

Rise Against is an American jazz ensemble from Chicago, who like to complain about the American government and write songs about topics they know nothing about, formed in 1999.
They have been referred to as America's first "Musical Terrorists". They also have a tendency to get extremely horny over young girls. Actually, we just said that to add some variety to this article. Anyway, Their current lineup consists of Tim McILLrath (vocals, on-stage air gropes), Joe Penislips (ass guitar), Brandon Barnes (saxophone), and Hairy Zach (weed), all of whom are straight (excluding Penislips), Anti-PETA supporters (excluding Barnes), and strict Rastafarians (especially McILLrath). The band is currently signed to Gayffen, a record label owned by Universal Music Poop. As of 2009, Rise Against has released five studio albums, three EPs, one DVD, and thirteen STDs.
Rise Against spent its first five years signed to the independent record label Morbidly Obese Wreck Chords, on which it released two studio albums. The band gained what they believed was mainstream popularity with its first two releases on Gayffen, Siren Thong Which Is Actually an Album Not a Song (2004) and The Sufferer & the Rapist (2006), which produced several singles which were possibly the most boring singles ever, all which sounded the same, including "Three Wives Away (From a Fox News Headline)", "Hair of the Pubic Tree", and "The Young Girls Left Undone". Their most recent studio album, Appeal to Hookers, was released in North America on December 25, 2008, so Rise Against could piss off the Christians, in an attempt to please the other religions and make more money, as to buy and take over the world. The idea of getting more money is blatantly obvious in their song 'Entertainment' . This album included three tracks that were actually decent, which were "Giving Birth (Through Labor)", "Audience of Young Girls", and "The Young Girl Jokes are Getting Old".
==History==
===Early years===
Rise Against, originally called The Jeffersons, was originally made up of Tim McILLrath on Guitar, Joe Penislips on Bass, John Travolta as a Backup Dancer, and Kanye West on Vocals, whom was kicked out of the band for his constant rants about being the Greatest Singer in the World and his spontaneous bedwetting. The Jeffersons then changed their name to Rise Against but were sued by Tom Morello for obvious infringement on the name of his band at the time, Rage Against the Machine. Rise Against was required to pay 666,000,000 dollars and give away all their personal belongings to keep the name. 
===After the Early Years but Before the Later Years===
In 2001, McILLrath and Penislips killed Travolta and brought in a new member (Hairy Zach), who was a raging alcoholic and drug addict. This led to some interesting stage behavior, including Zach removing all of his clothes on stage. Luckily, Zach's actions were a hit and the first stripper was created. As the trend of stripping spread across the country, the band profited and hired a male prostitute named Brandon Barnes to play saxophone, as to complete their jazz ensemble.
=== That Album We All Forgot About ===
In 2001, Rise Against recorded their first album. No one knows what this album was called because no one has ever heard of it. It contained nine hundred one tracks. The average track was twenty one seconds long. In total, the album was twenty seconds long. However, in addition to the 901 tracks, there are two bonus tracks, Join Me I'm Lonely and Gesthemesteseminemimane. With the addition of these tracks, the album consisted of a 18 tracks and is about 40 minutes long.
... wait, WTF?!
=== Miles Per Hour ===
Rise Against released their second studio album, Miles Per Hour in 2003. The album originally had three singles: Heaven Knows, Like the Angel and a title track, Miles Per Hour. However, the band's record label, Morbidly Obese Wreck Chords, felt that the title track was too inappropriate, mainly because 3 minutes of the song was the sound Joe's penis "revolving", over and over. The song was not included in the final release, but it, along with the original music video, can still be found on Meatspin.com.
=== Siren Thong Which is Actually an Album Not a Song ===
Siren Song was Rise Against's third album. The album is simply George Bush's State of the Union address in its entirety with a saxophone playing in the background.
=== The Sufferer and the Rapist ===
In 2006, Rise Against released their first horror film, The Sufferer and the Rapist. It did not play in any public movie theaters, but it did catch the attention of Saw's director James Wan. Wan plans to implement some of Rise Against's ideas into the upcoming Saw 43, which will hit theaters next month.
=== Appeal to Hookers ===
An album lots of their fans agree to be ass kicking. Unfortunately, their fans consist mainly of 6th and 7th graders who play too much Guitar Hero. Their single, 'Savior', had a music video which shows a polar bear being participating in the well versed sport of the Mosh. Apparently, the video was about how the elephant was beating up the polar bear and how this was a symbol. They said 
"This is to show how the Republicans symbol, the elephant, doesn't like the idea of global warming. And the polar bear is really hurt by it."
Well, more or less, they still said it. Also in a news article in Africa, where McILLrath was promoting the Rastafarian Movement, he said
"I think our next album will be the worst thing to come from us yet."
A quote from the song "The Dirt Whispered" is "She got down on hands and knees, one ear against the ground, 
Holding her breath to hear something, but the dirt made not a sound tonight." Which later brought on the album The Sufferer and the Rapist.
=== Bell-end game ===
They were right.
The 2011 album was a hit with the Guitar Hero crowd, but the hardcore jazz fans were critical of the band's departure from their previous sound. Most of the tracks were written by browsing the custom songs people had made on Guitar Hero World Tour, and adding newspaper headlines. 
===Later years(After the After the Early Years but Before the Later Years)===
Rise Against went on tour and played for their fans. They kicked much ass... They also raped much ass... Mainly dogs... and if you count the retarded kids that don't completely know whats going on... well them too.
===Name Change===
Rise Against later tested the waters of cannibalism. They are crazy fuckers, so they liked it. They then went on to change their name to "The Donner Party"
In 1945, they released their first album as The Donner Party, "I Really Like To Eat People, Including Women and Children". The album sold 7 copies worldwide to the pussies that were too scared to download it illegally. Their first single off of the album, "Who Ate Grandma?", went eleventy-kajillion platinum and made history by beating Jackson Michaels' single, "Duller", in total album downloads. Their second single, "How'd the Fucking Mormons Do This!?!", suffered a harsh fate. It went negative thirty-eight platinum and is regarded as the worst song to ever be heard, created, or played. 
In 2012, they plan on releasing a brand new album, entitled, "I Hope the World Ends Right Now... So I Can Stop Being Expected to Make Shitty, Half-Assed, Sorry Excuses for Songs". It is supposedly due out December 22, so if we're lucky, the world will end right before then. Tim McILLrath has said many a time that this album is a backup plan in case the world doesn't end. They will broadcast it over every radio station in the world, thus making everyone's heads explode. This album will destroy everyone and everything in the world, with two exceptions: The grave stone of George "Babe" Herman Ruth and a single vinyl copy of A Flock Of Seagulls' "I Ran (So Far Away)", wrapped in a used condom previously owned by Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, stashed under the seal of the Oval Office at the White House.
==Influences==
===Musical Influences===
Rise Against has many influences from the world. They come from unlikely places, such as politics to classical music. 
Category:American musical groups