Uncyclopedia Legal Department/Case:Happytimes vs Multiliteralist

=The case=
There are two pending accusations which the Department will, contrary to international legal practice, handle at the same time, since both defending and accusing parties are members of the Uncyclopedia Legal Department. Affidavits must be filed below before the week is up. Failure to file in all necessary affidavits in time will be seen as contempt of the Supreme Court of Uncyclopedia, and will lead to severe punishment in the hardest and longest degree.
==The incident in question==
From the Unlegal Complaints Department Log:
==The affidavits==
* Multiliteralist makes more money than I do. By more, I mean some, and by I, I mean me, myself and I. (Logically I should make at least three times as much as him!) ~ Happytimes 06:23, December 10, 2009 (UTC)
* Happytimes falsified my signature with like totally malicious intent. He probably tries to get my credit card number too. I will not say he's my enemy or anything you know, I think he's just misled. ~ Multiliteralist, 06:24, December 10, 2009 (UTC)
* Multiliteralist's signature totally beckoned me on like a siren calling from the most darkest of nights, deepest of mists, calmest of waters... luring me like the temptress of a ship captain's heart! It swooned like a misbegotten Lola, crying for attention and comfort, crying for love, crying out loud; crying for affection! I knowest not what I did, for my soul was torn asunder in my heart and mind's struggle to resolve the candy which must not be consumed! Alas is me, for am I not human? Am I not flesh and blood? Do I not bleed? Do I not cry? Do I dare not stop this textual cry for forgiveness? Yes, for I shall not be held responsible for what the heart wants and the psyche needs! 'Tis not malicious intent that poised my pen and pressed the gentlest of script to parchment, but the gentle beat of my heart growing ever stronger with each passing moment... Tell me I am wrong good sir, for I - know - you - CANNOT!!! TO HEAR YOUR DESPONDENT CRIES FOR RECOMPENSATION ONLY SERVES TO PROVE <BIG>I AM RIGHT AND JUST!</BIG> This tomfoolery of his is a mockery and these shenanigans MUST - BE - STOPPED!
:I say to you sir at this time, (for I know naught else to maintain my dignity and gentlebeingness) Good Day! ~ Happytimes 06:45, December 10, 2009 (UTC)
*Oh yeah? Well Happytimes just goes on to accuse me of shit I never done, like he's the motherfucker here! I mean how can he make less money than I do when I make none? I think his fees are totally disproportionate or some other fancypants word to the value he gives to the fucking customer by his "probably illicit and at least shady shyster practices", as some lawyer would say! I suspect he's an ambulance chaser! ~ Multiliteralist, 08:24, December 10, 2009 (UTC)
*Also, Happytimes falsified my non-signature signature a couple of times right there on his stupid affidavit. Don't tell me he's not guilty! I hate legal processes when they are aimed against me but this time I hate it even more! I demand compensation for fucking "malicious intent" and totally crappy "injury pending whatever" that I've been fucking "suffering" here!! ~ Multiliteralist, 10:21, December 10, 2009 (UTC)
*Sir! How darest thou accuse me of being less than above board for all of the previous pre-proceedings? It is clear that no parts of me hang below the board at this time. 
:As for your perjurous false statement that you make no money it has been clearly established that all senior members of Uncyclopedia(Registered & unbanned for at least one month) receive two-bits compensation as clearly established in the discovery portion of the groundbreaking case SYNDROME vs. Happytimes. As we recall this famous suit established primarily to highlight the quality of edited work for Uncyclopedia's Conservation Week also brought forth the need for a defined and, most importantly, unified legal system. This UnLegal (Unlegal) system was brought into being by Judge Dark and the other upstanding Unlegal founding members to solve these very conflicts. A system which we, may I remind you, are both part of! Accepting this history, as you MUST have as a signatory member, should cause you realize the underlying fiscal nature of the Uncyclopedian contributor compensation are ipso facto the straight truth!
:Again, how dare you assume my gender? The fact that you call my integrity and honor into question with your, "his" "probably illicit and at least shady shyster practices" "towards (my) customers" shows an appalling lack of judgment on your part. I assure you Multiliteralist, <U>my customers pay a severe premium sincerely to receive premiere service.TM</U>
:Furthermore, I take exception (as opposed to acception) to your "ambulance chaser" accusations as it is clear that the ambulance's come to me; this will not be forgotten.
:As to the use of your non-signature/signature it should be noted that I am not the first to do so and if you are anything like your forefathers four fathers not the last. This is not unique to you, per se, but equally established across the many usury pages of all the bastard children who've grown into upstanding Uncyclopedian contributors. I shall not site case law here as this is plain as the nose on your face. I am not guilty in the least.
:To be clear, your "suffering" has not been caused by me or my so called "malicious intent." 
::Ahem; you, "sir," are a mountebank!
:Not only will I be requesting adequate re-compensation for your unjust lies, but of course damages and a sizable bonus as well. I will not be accepting of your atonement in wooden nickles, copecks, Discover Card or any other worthless methods of payment! Your recompense must be in cash money to suffice. ~ Happytimes, 10:31, December 12, 2009 (UTC)
*P.S. My pants are indeed fancy as I know how to budget my paycheck.
:Also, as an outstanding community motherfucker I know the only thing d - is - pro - portion - ate here is your fat-assed d-mom! ~ Happytimes, 10:31, December 12, 2009 (UTC)
=The ruling=
Due to the extensive amount of unnecessary accusatory edits made by both parties over the past few weeks, I have no choice but to offer both of you the following promotion as per my unbiased pre-requisition in becoming the esteemed Head of Department. Upon accepting this coveted award (you have no choice): you hereby agree to a mutually beneficial truce, and if no further arguments can be made, both parties are free to place their respective awards in their appropriated userspaces. 
===- Multiliteralist -===
===- Happytimes -===
=Final conclusion=