There's a Man Across the Street That Sits on His Porch at 2 AM - Don't Look at Him

I moved into the neighborhood about 3 months ago with some friends. Together we were able to rent a house much too big for us, with an attic and a dark basement (I'll never get to the basement later). In fact we have one of the biggest houses in the whole neighborhood. I always felt like the neighbors were a little jealous and nosy, since we were a lot younger than them.
Theres a swing on our front porch. When it's windy its creaks and sways. My room is right above the porch, so I hear the chain anchors tug and creak on the floor. It sounds like someone is always rocking in it. One night I got real suspicious, it was probably about 2 am, so I opened my window and whispered "hey you" down to the porch in case someone was swinging. If someone replied, then there was someone on the swing, if no one replied, I would be scared that someone was swinging and didnt reply. But let me tell you this right now, someone replied, but it WASN'T from the porch swing. I heard a soft "howdy" from across the street. I look up and theres an oldman just sitting on his porch smoking a cigarillo. gross. Me being wiser and well read, I knew that you were NEVER supposed to make eye contact with the man who sits on the porch every night at 2 am. So I quickly covered my eyes and shut the window and blinds.
NExt morning I took the trash out and caught the old man doing the same. He was copying me. I tried not to look at him in the face.
He said "howdy" again, and said something about sorry for "spooking" me last night. I said nothing and covered my face and marched right back inside. Not falling for that one, I ain't dumb.
The next night I was gonna do an experiment. I would wait until 2 am and look at him in the eyes to see what would happen. By the time 1;30 am rolled around, the old man came home in his shiity ass ghost car wearing a security looking uniform that said "private parts security", what a guy amirite? ok maybe it didnt say private parts, but it did say private, the guy was clearly a creep.
by 2 am he was on the porch again smoking a cigarillo. I peered from behind the blinds. he couldnt see me, so I turned on the light in my room and opened the window. He slowly looked up at me and waved. I made eye contact with him. My heart started POUNDING and I couldnt catch my breath. What would I do? I looked at the old man who sits on the porch at 2 am every night who I cant make eye contact with. I was determined to stop him.
I noticed he left for 12 hours every day, returning at 1;30 in his "uniform". I would have to break into his house and do some investigating.
You'll never guess what happened next. He left me a note with a single use plastic packaged oatmeal cream pie. It said "I noticed you've been watching me. Sorry but it seems like I've been spookin' ya. I don't mean any harm. I work a security job at the stadium down the street. We should talk, I've got some yard work you could do for me. I'll pay ya. Every since my wife passed I've been having trouble keeping up with everything. Have a good one." What a creep. What kind of trick was this. I HAD to get to the root of things with some private "security" of my own.
At 10;30 that night I casually walked across the street, whistling a tune as to not draw attention to myself. His back door had a dog door so I reached through and unlocked it. Inside there were boston market frozen meal boxes stacked by the trashcan and his sink had unclean dishes in it. He even went as far as putting fake photos of him with a family on the wall. I snuck upstairs into the bedroom. What I found you will not believe. He had two dressers. In one was mens clothes, the clothes I'd seen him wear before. In the second was all womens clothes. This man had a collection of womens clothes in his house, and no woman lived there. He was definitely up to something sinsister. There were also a bunch of pictures of a woman in the top drawer. Some of them freaked me out for reasons I wont explain. After eating the rest of his disgusting food in the freezer I realized it was almost 1;30. I heard his shitty ass car pull into the driveway (it was loud because I stole his catalytic converter and muffler and sold it, screw him) when he opened the front door he mustve caught a glimpse of me because he said "what are you doing in my house." but I ran out before he could finish.
The next day he tried knocking on the door. I told my roomates NOT to open it for various reasons. He was trying to get back at me.
When he left for work that day, I again went to his house at 10;30. I would destroy all the creepy womens clothes he collected and the stolen photographs. I brought some lighter fluid and doused the dresser, chucked in a lit match and ran. I didn't open any windows unfortunalty so only the dresser partially burned and his house remained intact. I waited for him to get home, watching from my room. He got home and I could see his room light turn on. He went out to the porch after a few minutes and began shuddering horribly, and sobbing. Evil man. I was very proud for various reasons. He got into his shitty ass car and drove away. I haven't seen him since. Since then a new man has moved in. a very nice man. He invites me to parties in his backyard where we and some other guys bet on different dogs and see who wins. Its like wrestling but for dogs. He's a nice guy to say the least.
anyways, if you ever see an old man on the porch at 2 am NEVEr look at him. please!!
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:English Class Failure
Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep