Jack Reacher Gave Me a Reach Around

It'd been a regular night on the tiles for me, drinking more than I should and trying to shag a girl who'd ghost me in the morning in the toilets, when I had the realisation that life wasn't working out the way I wanted. This was mostly down to me wasting my time writing bad stories for reddit rather than trying to monotise them, and the crippling knowledge of this ruined my nascent erection. If this had gone on much longer I would have seriously embarrassed myself, and my reputation on the bathroom rave circuit would have been ruined. But a firm hand grasped my penis and knew just where to apply pressure to bring the lil fella back online.
I made to smile abashed at my girl and thank her for helping me out, but I noticed that both her hands were on my shoulders. I looked down to see a tiny body had shoved itself into the cubicle me and my companion were inhabiting. They lay prone on the ground at their full 5,6 length, hand reaching up to stiffen my resolve, and stared at me.
"Reacher..." I breathed, half in awe, half in envy.
I had never really liked the books, however much my elderly father tried to persuade me of their merits, but even I had thought it stupid when they cast lil Tom Cruise as the 6,5 arsekicker. But seeing him there and then, using his skills with stealth and hand to crotch combat to their full just to save my night, I realised Paramount had chosen perfectly.
My Girl gave my utterance an odd look. She still had not noticed Reacher on the floor, his arm the stiffest thing in the room.
"Wcha say?"
"Oh, er.. Reacher-"
Before I could make a fool of myself and give the game away, Reacher mimicked my voice perfectly, and projected.
"-Around. I said Reach around dollface. You should give me one."
My cheeks coloured. What if she tried and found Reacher already there? What if she noticed I'd never said dollface in my life? But even as I looked back to the ground, Jack Reacher was already sliding himself out of the cubicle with a smile. His face would haunt my dreams for many a night to come. He truly is a righteous avenger for our troubled times.
I drifted listlessly for many nights after Reacher had come to my aid. Always I saw his face as I slept. How could I be so sure he was Jack Reacher and not Tom Cruise, who, let's face it, would be far more likely to carry out such an act? But in my heart of hearts, I knew. I knew it was Reacher who had reached for me, and would do so again when I truly needed him.
I visited my elderly father- the main authority I knew on the works of Lee Child- to discuss what this might all have meant. It was awkward, as the two of us never discussed sex, I had never even told him that I'd had girlfriends, so I was unsure how he'd react to his youngest son having been grabbed by his idol.
As it was, he proved a good listener.
"And you're sure it wasn't Maverick or Ethan Hunt?" Was all he had to say after he'd heard the full tale.
"No, Maverick would have said something brash and given himself away, and Ethan Hunt only grabs Teeth n' Cunts. It was Reacher. Jack Reacher."
"Son... I'm not sure I can respect you anymore after this... I've learned to tolerate a lot of things in this day and age... All these artist friends of yours... Your joke of a career... but this.... This is beyond my limits."
I sat slackjawed. I had lost my own father over this. I had known he was reactionary, but to disown me.... I wondered what I would do for Christmas this year. When suddenly, all in one moment, My penis was grasped with merciless force, and my own father gasped not in disgust or anger, but revelation. I looked to the ground again at the same moment as my father and saw None other than Jack Reacher once again, giving father and son a simultaneous reach around. I had just enough time to look up into my father's eyes before we both came in the same moment, our semen guided straight into Reacher's mouth. I knew from the look in my father's eyes he couldn't be angry with me anymore. Reacher had saved our family.
For a few seconds we all remained in silence, then Reacher swallowed noisily and said.
"I am now bearing your Lee Child. I shall need your help in it's delivery. Meet me upon the banks of the lea nine months from now." With that, he released his grip on us both and sauntered from the room.
However much I feared to right now, I knew in time I would answer his call.
Nine months to the day that me and my father had been jacked off by Jack Reacher, I followed his advice, and got a friend to give me a lift down to the river Lea where I had walked in happier times. Sure enough, I found Reacher sat naked on it's banks, his swollen stomach unmistakable. He gave me an unnaturally white smile with his fake teeth.
"You came."
"Of course I did Jack. That's why you're pregnant."
"You Jest Scannerofcrap, but what is to take place is most serious. I shall deliver a fresh Lee Child on these very banks, and you must protect me, for there are those who wish to kill my series stone dead."
Before I could ask what he meant, he screamed as his contractions began. I did not have to wait long however for my answer. A voice came from behind.
"Stand aside Scannerofcrap, 23 year old white male with short brown hair, 66.7KG in weight and 5,10 and a half in height, with Green eyes that sparkle like traffic lights made of emerald, writer of unsuccessful novels- collections of words placed in order contained on paper or digital format. For I am Daniel Gerhard Brown, five feet and nine inches, a balding grey haired author born June 22, 1964, which makes my age precisely 55 years of age, and my novels featuring Symbologist Robert Langdon, and their subsequent film adaptations have shattered records around the world, which is a globe shaped planet, third in distance from the Sun known as Sol, and includes continents such as Antarctica and Australasia, each of which brims with human beings skittering about like cheetahs made of feet. Today, a Thursday, a day of the week named after the Norse god Thor, beside the River Lea, Originating in the Chiltern Hills I intend to prevent the success of the Novels of 6 foot four male Novelist Lee Child, who bears many similarities to his famous creation Jack Reacher, Portrayed by Tom Cruise in two films, from surpassing mine. I shall accomplish this with his death, a state in opposition to being alive."
Even if he had not said his name, I would have known him from the unnecessary details he chose to include. But this was not what terrified me. What truly made me realise the Danger that Reacher had placed me in was that Robert Langdon was here serving his banal master, but despite sharing many features with Tom Hanks, the effect was wholly repulsive. The two advanced on me, Reacher, and our unborn Lee Child, and I could not stand to try talking it out with Brown, knowing what verbal horrors he would unleash, so instead I punched him in the face.
I soon saw my mistake as Langdon Grabbed me with his disgusting body, coating me in his vile sweat, while Brown Monologued about his broken nose.
"My injury feels like a stag made of pain headbutting antlers with another stag made of pain. I, renowned author Dan Brown, shall seek the comfort of-"
I could hear no more as Langdon dragged me underwater. I thought I would drown in his nasty abs, but before the last of my breath gave away, he let me up. To my horror I saw that Jack reacher was dead, and Dan Brown was nowhere to be found. Langdon smirked at me and made good his escape as I mourned over Reacher's body, knowing he would never perform another reach around. I thought I should honour him in death as he had lived in life, and reached to jack him off, but found not a penis, but a script. I realised that Even though Reacher was dead, he had managed to deliver the script for a new series of his life before he died. I cried bitter tears into the sacred text, but knew that now Jack Reacher would always be there when injustice struck. I vowed that I would sell it to Jeff Bezos personally.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Title that makes babbies laugh
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep