The Puzzle States

The Puzzle States are technically part of the United States, but they are like small third-world countries of their own. They were originally the actual United States, but since then a lot of shit has happened to cause some states to be re-formed into puzzle pieces and put back together – in some cases forced back together – until the next genius finds the right location to place them.
It was in the late summer of 10 A.D. that the Roman Empire had decreed that the New World Order would be established in the Americas since Italy ran out of space, and Greece was overrun with more than 300 Spartans. The then-emperor was hell-bent on owning the planet and filling it with marbled statues of himself and a slave race that he'd planned would last forever. Fast forward to 2020 A.D. and that plan was still in effect. With some minor hiccups like not being able to control everyone with their MSM (Mouth of Sauron Media), they still dominated and contaminated the world. They selected a dweeb by the name of Josh Dipshit whose corruption was so bad that it almost outpaced the tasteless and tacky Hildebeast. Josh Dipshit wasn't the sharpest bulb in the litter, and he drooled a lot. Still he was tasked with turning all the states of America into the Puzzle States.
Breaking it down, there were already states that were puzzled. California, New York, and Idaho were already be-puzzled when the state of Utah went psycho and started wedging itself into the middle of everyone else's business. It was so bad that both coastal states were rendered into such a war zone that made them the only two edges that were impossible to identify as proper edges. The leader of Utah was a guy calling himself Joseph DipSmith. He was known as someone who wasn't the brightest knife in the deck. A real whacky sort of guy with a chip on his shoulder that was the tip of the icing on the cake. As such, DipSmith started a cross-country trek in a covered wagon only to circle it when the cavalry came home to roost.
== Cluster, Custer, and Clark ==
In short enough time, other states began being so puzzled that they were often settled in as other countries that already existed. Some states were not only a melting pot of other cultures and countries around the globe, but also of other countries written about in famous books or portrayed in movies. Examples include Nevada which modeled itself after Damnation Alley and Wyoming which modeled itself as a frontier fortress from Lewis & Clark's Expedition and Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
Josh Dipshit then kept the District of Colombia as Isengard, with Saruman established in its tower. While Saruman wasn't the fullest tool in the deck, he did have his army march everyone out of Maine and into Helm's Deep, since what was Georgia became Rohan and Florida became Gondor. And as such, Arkansas was officially established as Mordor. It made sense with the One Eye being the Hildebeast who was from Mordor. But Mordor Arkansas struggled with living up to expectations of black towers and a volcano. Arkansas was Mordor but the kind of Mordor that resembled The Shire, Lothlorien, and Rivendell. Alaska was designated as The Wastelands. Utah was bitter over that deal as it wanted to be known as The Wastelands. Utah also wanted to be the Seventh Circle of Hell in Dante's Inferno. But that title went to Minnesota.
== Freaks Я Them ==
With Mordor and Isengard being the only two locations where Josh Dipshit could combine the puzzle pieces together how they wanted them to fit, it puzzled the rest of the country. Everywhere was somewhere else, and there was nowhere the original whereabouts could be found. There were only a few states that remained in their original form, but Hawaii and Maryland were populated with Chinese eunuchs, orc lady politicians, bee keepers, and hordes of voodoo witch doctors.
Vermont, Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Massachusetts were all given to England. New Hampshire was left out unless it changed to Old Hampshire. In protest Virginia demanded to be placed somewhere else besides next to West Virginia and legally changed its name to East Virginia, hoping England would pull it in. But no luck, East Virginia became the sole property of Montana that held it to its original location. Texas was outraged over Mexico trying to run it into the Gulf and Arizona wanted to be known as the New Egypt. New Arizona was a theme until New Mexico chimed in and sued it for plagiarism. Mexico then sued New Mexico for plagiarism. The court ordered New Mexico back into the custody of Mexico and was ordered to get Heisenberg under control. New Egypt was then snatched up by New Babylonia and Nebraska tried to kill itself.
The Northwest was reassigned to Wild West status. The Redwood Forest and the Grand Canyon that had separated from the Union became their own countries and territories. However they were being monitored by Isengard for possible alien abductions and if it kept up, they would be turned into parking lots. And in one of the weirdest turn of events, Indiana and Illinois were combined to become one large dirt farm after unsuccessfully trying to obtain the sole rights to sell wicker and bamboo items from China and India. They said it was time for those states to learn how to plant and grow their own stuff. They were left with a gigantic dirt farm with a few measly attempts to grow their own wicker. It wasn't long after that when Ohio was dragged into it and became known as the Porch Mat State.
== Who Would Have Thought That Hell Was Actually The USA? ==
Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, and Kentucky united and formed a power group and started stealing horses. When Montana heard about it, they claimed those states as their sole property and emphasized their ominous power by showing those states the severed head of East Virginia. Then Iowa tried to take over Michigan. Michigan was then stripped for parts and sold to New Jersey. This was saying a lot. New Jersey was known as the one place where the elevator was short of a few checkers in a Happy Meal. Not that it's alone in its crazy factor, because New Jersey possibly saved the day when it bought up the one state where bitches are so fucked up that they claim to be witches but have no idea how to cast a spell to make themselves less hideous. The usual females are not the California girls of old. The new ones are also quite hideous. Blob-like and loud, ready to protest the next new thing and not one of them knows what a razor is for.
North and South Dakota and Carolina were constantly showcased in Native American lore as circus freaks and miniature countries within a country still holding onto the myths and legends of the Civil War, before North and South Dakota as well as Carolina killed the Natives. And before England bought everyone from Delaware. Colorado went rogue when haunted hotels were under investigation. Ghosts were on the Most Wanted list when John Denver spoke through a psychic and told everyone that he was murdered by the ghosts. Kansas and Oklahoma were finally recognized as the Limbo areas of the spirit realm that the Natives call Perdition. Technically the panhandle of Texas is also part of Limbo.
Pennsylvania and Wisconsin joined forces and started stealing from entities associated with Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Jack Schitt. Then Missouri declared independence and told the rest that they did not want to be shown anymore. They had seen enough. Which brings the most confounding state of all; Louisiana. A place where voodoo, spicy foods, and giant lizards roam free, grow wild, and used in everyday situations. There are rumors that it has been working other states, and cursing them. The bitterness was said to have started centuries ago when some Frenchman sailed there and wanted to buy land. After teaching the locals (who were either big foots or swamp creatures) to speak a decent bit of French, he realized that the place could never live up to the high class culture of Paris, can-can dancers, and beauty marks. In retaliation the Frenchman summoned other countrymen to build plantations where cotton for voodoo dolls were weeded through and sewn. It's unclear why the French felt the need to do all of this to a singular state of the whole lot of states, and then reportedly cursed everyone else. But the French were flighty and prone to being plumb crazier than a bubble off a shithouse rat. If the states ever get back to an in-country zen, it would sort itself out to proper finished puzzle status. That's the whole kit and caboodle in a kettle of fish for a ball of wax in a nutshell.
Category: States of the United States