Epic Crishtmas Multi-Feature

__NOTOC__
Hi guys, welcome to the Christmas multi feature. It is a collection of short stories.
We will now enter the first story
==Story #1==
So it was the day after thanksgiving and i woke up cuase i heard the evoker noise from minecraft and as you know its from a cult so i was goin ahhhhh and i go into the kitchen and i saw an evoker and there were kids praying in a circle and i wos like WTF is dis and then the evoker hit me with a laser and i took 4 hearts of damage. Gths wouldnt have been so bad, if i had remembered to stop by at shrines to pick up a light of blessing but is hadnt done that and i was about to die biut fortunately i had a fairy in my inventory and it healed me. I shouted at the evoker and his guys to get ut of my house and he said something that scarred me for life permanently: "No" i asked him why not and he hit me wit sum mor lazers and it hurted me so that i decided to whoop that man´s ass i kicked him in the face and goat a criticlal hit but then his head came off and so did his robes… he was not an evoker. Unter that costume, there was a skibidi toilet. I sproceedid in beating him up and ii was oust bout to deal fatal injury when he saidthat he always comes back so i called my good pal satanand he sent this guy to heaven(worse than hell) for copyright infringement. The end
==Story #2==
I woke up and my house smelled like hot metal i decided to play minecraft. I started a new world and selected Metal Sonic, EggRobo, Metal Knuckles and Super Sonic. I punched them in the order i chose them and than peta showed up and got mad at me for abusing super sonic i got sent to jail but the gaurds let me out because they didnt support peta I wento home and soaw that they took mynintendo so i went to their base and trien t o get it back. I knew that there was only one thing left to do, so i went to my fridge and grabbed the last remaining can of scum soda s. I chuged the whole thing and bagan to mutante. In my new, monstrous form, i wento n a mission to wipe out all of peta from the face of the earth. On the way, i iaccidenlu blew up y house and my creistmas tree was set on fire. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
==Strory #3==
Why are there so many pastas about Evil Patrixxx
And why the fuck he cant die?
pastas are visions, but only illusions
And pastas have nothing to hide
So we've been told, and some choose to repost it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow factory connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the suicidal star?
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow factory connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
All of us under its spell
We know that it's probably magic
Have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound that calls the new admins?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be 
(Rahh!)
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
La-da-da, de-da-da-do
La-da-da-da-da-de-da-do
==Story #4==
Every perosn Down in ukraine Liked democracy a lot...
But the vladmir,Who lived just north of ukraine, Did NOT!
putin hated democracy! The whole left wing season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His brain or his shoes,
He stood there on february 23, hating ukraine,
Staring down from his tower with a sour, putin frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every ukrainina down in ukraine beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their flag! Its better than mine!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Volodymyr's 27th cousin's birthday! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his russian fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop ukraine from joining!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the ukraine girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their tv!
And then! Oh, the nosie! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the ukrainians,, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on ukraine-pudding, and rare ukrianian-roast beast.
Which was something the vladmir couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every ukraninian down in ukraine, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with independence day bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the ukranians would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the vladmir thought of this ukrainian independence,
The more putin thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for thirty-two years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this clelebration from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE vladmir GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" putin laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick warlord suit hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great russian trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look even uglier!"
"All I need is a bomber plane..." The vladmir looked around.
But, since russia is weak, there was none to be found.
Did that stop that old putin? No! The vladmir simply said,
"If I can't find a plane, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his brother, Max. Then he took some red thread,
And he sewed some wings to his arms and a turbine to his back.
THEN He loaded some bombs And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up poor Max.
Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the ukraninas Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the ukranians were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old putin hissed,
And he bombed the roof, empty bags in his fist.
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small ukranian!
Little Cindy-u kraine, who was not more than two.
putin had been caught by this tiny ukranian daughter,
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "you fucking dumbass, why!"
"Why are you taking our freedom? WHY?"
He brought out his glock, and he brought it out quick! 
He shot her in the face and got a crit she died
Then he went to the silo, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other ukrainians' houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other ukrainian mouses!
It was quarter past dawn... All the ukrianians, still a-bed,
All the ukrainians, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. russian,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"PoohPooh to the ukrianians!" he was russianly humming.
"They're finding out now that a war is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the ukraninas down in ukraine will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at ukraine! The vladmir popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every person down in ukrain, the tall and the small,
Was singing! With the bombings and all!
He HADN'T stopped the celebration from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the putin, with his russian-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling:How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Putin thought of something he hadn't before!
"i gotta keep up with this bombing. I will not stop!"
And he declared war on ukraine
==Story #5==
Step 1:go to da comix store and buy some yu-gi-oh! Cards. (only buy one 11 card pack.)
Step 2: open the cards.
Step 3: close youre eyes,and pick up the cards off the floor. Scream "evil patrixx is hot"
Step 4: you now must prepare to fight franco. Get weapons and food and stuff.
Step 5: go onto youre old snes. Play street fighter.
Step 6: you should see a character with your name and appearance replace m. bison. Choose them and select Vega´s stage. 
Step 7: you are now inside the game. Franco will appear, and you must fight him. Winning means fame and fortune. Losing means certain death.
Step 8: if you won, he will explode in eurocreme and you will leave the game. WARNING: DO NOT EAT ANY OF HIS EUROCREME
Step 8: close your eyes, grab the yu-gi-oh! Cards and scream "evil Patrixxx is hot."
You have now defeated franco. Congratulations! You can now enjoy some delicious, nutritious eurocreme.
==Story #6==
I oncewokeup and realized that the universe is hell, and that we are all dead. Ooooooooohhhh philosophy smart
==Story #7==
==Story #8==
So i was walking down the street whn i saw some guy put something in my mailbox. I inmediateley checked. It said "fortnite lore"
I pput it in my VHS player and it played a scen from my favourite movie of all time: Shrek.
It showed shrek gettingdressed but it showed part of his balls it was huge and i was like WTF
Why is this in a pg rated movie oh now i know why it got deleted. 
It swichrerd to a picture of toad from mario crying about how bad the fortnite lore is but then peach showed up and got mad a him for criticizening the lore of fortnite, wich is, admittedly, quite well written. I then was li ro what tda fuck is dis i didt shut it off though and than it said ḧety dugee lost episode: the murder badge"i was extremely confused because even after reading multiple pastas about this show, i still have no idea what it was about all i know is that it was a british pre-k show about some squirrels or something.
It shrewd adog saying "ẗodya, i will murder a child" and it showed a badly edidtid clip of the banana splits movie where they put a pngimage of dugees face on fleegle and hte gy he was killing (i forgot his name because the movie was so bad) had a squirrels face on it but the squirrel was hyper realistic!!! The special effects in that movie that when fleegle cuts the guy open blood was litereallly kechtup and the guts were gummy worms or something. His girlfrien d was screaming and fleegle(dugee) killed her to. At the end there was a behingd the scenesclip of some interns using the "blood" on their hot dogs because they used all the ketchup in the set cafeteria for that scene and more wouldnt arrive for 2 weeks. 
I then sold it on ebay for 50 cents
The End
==Story #9==
So I found a yard sale where a gaming cartridge was selling old men. Thcartridge said "i am the remaining cartridge of haunted rizzler- the game. It is based on a movie of the same name it's about a rizzler who loses his rizz and trieste get it back before his girlfriend finds out. I started playing the game and it showed this i played it and it sacked so bad that I sold him on ebay. A ople days later, som gys shoed p at my house and sued me for slave trading. I then died in prison. Did i regret my descicions? Did i learn my lesson ? well, to be honest i just want to say that i really dschouldnt of done something like that, especially so close to christmas. Its just, the world is dso terrible,i souldnt add to it,right? Oh… you were talking about playing "innapropriate" games.well, guess what, I DIDNT MEAN ANY OF THIS! HAHAHA!! I DIDNT LEARN NO LESSON YOU MORONS!!!!!
To be continued...
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Holidays
Category:Memes
Category:Morons Attempting Poetry
Category:Vidya games
Category:Stuff Blowing Up
Category:Hyper-realistic
Category:Pointless Violence
Category:English Class Failure