Harasshu Senki: Spooky Hijinx

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Everyone says that vidyagayms can't be haunted. Everyone says that what you see on the screen can't affect your life. They're wrong. Dead wrong. I saw something on a computer screen. It changed my life.
==Finding the Game==
So I was walking down the street when I got mugged by a black man. He didn't mug me of any money though. He mugged me of my sanity. He gave me a videogame. A cursed videogame. I know it was cursed because it was supposed to be a sanic game, but it was not a sanic. It was a scary game cover with a brown man on the cover and the disc was cracked in two, and dusted with cocaine. As a man containing sense, I said to myself "Yeah, this will work when I jam it in my disc tray". So I did that and it actually played. I was wondering what was going on as the title came up, except instead of a title, before my very eyes, a chubby brown man was being carried by a skinnier guy in green tornado. The skinny guy was saying "My garudyne will blow you away" and then they sex. I was so disturbed that I broke the game, but the game works even though its broken. At this point I found my situation too spooky and smashed my computer open and went to bed.
==Day 2==
I woke to find my computer fixed and the broken game at the title screen. I knew this to be the case because it was the most horrifying thing I ever saw. Instead of sanic, the brown man's face was in the center and the title read "My Waifu Got Slammed by a Fire Truck" in bolded comic sans. This was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen in my life because I had lived in a basement all my days until that point. I tried to shut the game off. It worked, but then I turned the game back on to find that I must never have turned it off because it was at the same place when I turned it on. I then knew I had to press start. The resulting action caused me to resume the game on day 3 because I OD'd on heroine to forget what just happened and because I like to OD on heroine, and what I awoke to would change my life.
==Day 3==
I didn't die because the game didn't let me OD on heroine even though I stated I did in the previous paragraph. Upon pressing start, I saw it. I saw Sanic hedgehog. He was going faster than ever. Too fast. He was running so fast that my eyes were bleeding and I was going blind. But the game wouldn't let me go blind. I then realized that it was not Sanic, in fact it was green. I would tell you why I thought it was green, but my lawyer says that saying that would affect my ability to sue the black man who I met outside on the street despite living in a basement all my days. The green thing turned out to blow me away. It turned out to be Yosuke Hanamura. At this sight, I felt ill and passed out. When I woke up there was still Yosuke so I grabbed my inhaler to calm myself. I then realized that I don't own an inhaler and that I just inhaled a bunch of engine fluid. I then spat it up on my computer screen which just made Yosuke go faster and faster as if the engine fluid was fueling his desire to give me nightmares. Finally, Yosuke's barrage of fear and agony was stopped by something even more agonizing and fear inducing. A hot tub appeared before my eyes in which I saw the brown man again. He knew my name. "Hey Chris, wannna -inaudible mumbling- Fast?". The text box was written in comic sans so it made me so scared that I awoke to find that another day happened. You may be wondering about my sleep cycle by now. The dark magic of Yosuke Hanamura enhances the passage of time to more quickly engulf its victims. After I awoke, my pants were off and I was more scared and confused than I had ever been in my life.
==Day 4==
At this point, I was starting to think that maybe this was a bad idea, so I walked up to the black man and shot him in the foot with an assault rifle multiple times until he was bound to a wheelchair. I then told me lawyer that he was hit by a car so that my ability to sue would stay intact. After doing this, I decided to put on some pants and grab a bowl of cereal. To my horror, the only brand of cereal I could find were multiple boxes of "Nesquik". I was so afraid that I ate all the boxes and went back downstairs to play the game. It was then I noticed that my computer screen was racing at mach speed around my house shattering everything I cherish in life and deleting my Slowpoke off of my Pokemon Crystal save file. With nothing left to do, I had to start playing the game again. When I resumed the game, the hot tub was gone. I was able to take control of a spirit. This game was already scary enough that I was unphased that I was controlling a ghost. What did scare me though is when every person in the town I was in said I would have to enter the local tournament to progress. Despite this, I couldn't enter the tournament. For some reason, the blue spirit was not allowed to partake in the events. The brown man then asked "What about Raou? Isn't he banned in tournaments?". At this point, I realized that the Nesquik must have been filled with slow acting muscle relaxants because I found myself turning 360 degrees off of my chair and into a deep sleep.
==Day 5==
When I awoke, I found myself in a precarious position. My lawyer had left me a letter saying he was going to aid the black man in suing me for shooting him in the foot. I responded to this situation by shooting him in the foot as well and hiring a new lawyer. Anyways, back to the game. I ate the Nesquik again since I figured not ever box of it could possibly have muscle relaxants in it. My heart then stopped.
==Day 6==
It turned out that my heart didn't stop, but I had instead fainted because I could swear I saw that brown man's face appear on the Nesquik cereal. I realized I could not take much more of this minor inconvenience and called in the aid of Team SRW even though I had been indicted from the group months ago. Suddenly wheels started physically manifesting from my computer and began running me over. They were so fast that I couldn't slow them down. I reached for a bottle of pain killers in hopes that I could dull the pain of my impending transition to road kill. As I did, the blood whistle manifested from the computer and stabbed through the pain killers causing them to bleed blood profusely. I knew at this point that my only hope was for Team SRW to respond to my desperate plea for help. The wheels were causing severe head trauma to me and I could feel my ties to this world slipping, but before I fell into the dream world, I could swear that I saw a hooker on fire as a firetruck crashed into her and caused a bloody pool of singed bloody blood. The head trauma had likely set in by that point because I heard the brown man screaming at me to shut up and ask why it was always him as I faded to black
==Day 7==
The wheels did not cause enough damage to end my life as I had expected and Team SRW was now standing outside my basement in order to assist me. It now seemed I was about to be free from this nightmare, but then the brown man left the computer clad in the garments that the resurrected Jesus Christ wore during his ascension in all his sacrilegious fraudulence. To compliment this, Yosuke Hanamura and Hakan followed behind him dressed in the garbs of the virgin Mary, but it is obvious that these two individuals were no strangers to sexual interactions (specifically with each other). It was then that a hero stepped forward to put an end to the madness. He was clad in robes of pure unadulterated kindness. In one hand he held cookies, and in the other, a list of suicidal people he had met on forums. He notched his leg backward until it had spun 720 degrees in reverse, and then it came full force. The leg came all the way back around knocking the brown man and his cronies back into the virtual world and causing all the damage to be reversed. I asked him his name since I knew little about him. He didn't respond and merely left leaving his cookies behind in the process which were the best things I had tasted since my conception. All I knew was the brown man was gone and this man was the final messenger.
==Aftermath==
The remainder of Team SRW entered the room soon after. I explained to them that a brown man came out of my computer and attempted to torture and murder me. Our favourite tsundere called me dumb and cut my autism out of my very soul with his scythe. When I asked how he did this, he stated that he was too Thresh for me to understand and left. Our glorious leader made me Team SRW's honorary least important member and began calling me the second biggest loser of all time for playing Ivan Ooze in the fighting edition of Power Rangers. The comedy relief of Team SRW was about to confront me as well, when he found himself to have landed in a cactus that was only 0.00001% of the pain that Green Green had inflicted on his psyche. That one other guy that plays card games showed me cool videos on the restored computer and then left to go play Vanguard. It seemed things were looking up, until I noticed that the brown man had manifested from the virtual world into a physical form. From that day forward, Team SRW had to drag along a cancerous bag of useless feces that would never aid them, always mumble, repeat things other people said in order to kill conversations and threaten to murder the entire group. Team SRW has coped with this curse by turning him into a joke and now the land is at peace and my story draws to a close. Oh, I forgot to mention I'm now $10, 000 in debt because the black man sued successfully. The moral of the story is, never accept videogames from random people.
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