In the beginning

Below is a variant of Genesis 1, before Genesis 2 (first of the Sexy Bible) began.
God likes to start things off with a big bang.
1 In the beginning God was totally bored so he created space and put some stuff in it.
2 And the stuff was a real mess; and it was dark. And God swam through space.
While he was swimming through his dark, messy universe, God noticed the lack of light.
3 While he was swimming through his dark, messy universe, 4 God noticed the lack of light, so he snapped his fingers: and there was light.
Pretty!
5 And God decided to invent a word for stuff he liked so he changed a vowel in his name and saw that the light was "good".
Ever wondered why gays only come out at night?
6 And God called the light D(umbledore-is-g)ay, and the darkness he called N(ot-l)ight. So much for the first day.
God's magic at its finest!
7 And God noticed the lack of air above some big spherical stuffs, so he snapped his fingers again.
God also threw a couple rocks at the Earth, to diversify its chemical makeup.
8 God also threw a couple rocks at the Earth, to diversify its chemical makeup.
9 And God made an atmosphere around these big spherical stuffs, and divided the molten earth from the void of outer space: and it was verily so.
10 And God called the atmosphere Heaven for some reason. So much for the second day.
As God surveyed the shores, he thought to himself, "I'll have to create some hot chicks in bikinis later on."
11 And God wanted some solid rock to stand on, so he snapped his fingers again, and dry land appeared: and it was verily so; when God made the seas, he stuffed them full of beauty and magic.
When God made the seas, he stuffed them full of beauty and magic.
12 And God called the dry land Ea(t-di)rt-h(ahalol); and the liquid stuff he called Se(x-with-merm)a(id)s; and God saw that it was good.
13 And God noticed the lack of vegetation, so he snapped his fingers yet again: and it was verily so.
And God made all the plants green, because he liked that colour.
14 And plants started growing on the earth: and God saw that it was good. And God made all the plants green, because he liked that colour.
So much for the third day.
And by God's command, his holy light shone through the murky atmosphere.
15 And God noticed no Sun or Moon could be seen through the primeval murky atmosphere, so he snapped his fingers again.
16 And the skies cleared up: and it was verily so.
200pxGod looked at the stars and wondered what wonderful person might have created such sublime beauty.
17 God looked at the stars and wondered what wonderful person might have created such sublime beauty.
18 And God made the Sun and the Moon appear, and stars also.
19 And God made their lights shine through the atmosphere.
And God saw that it was good.
So much for the fourth day.
Some of the creatures could fly and some of them could swim. But God was the only one who could walk around on the dry land.
20 And God noticed the lack of animals, so he snapped his fingers.
21 And God thus created an abundance of living creatures.
22 And God blessed them, commanding them to reproduce like hell.
So much for the fifth day.
"Damn, I knew I forgot something," God thought as he looked at his creation.
23 Some of the creatures could fly and some of them could swim. But God was the only one who could walk around on the dry land. And God noticed he hadn't put any other critters on the dry land yet, so he snapped his fingers again.
God created these crawling things with a purpose, so you better have a damn good reason for smashing them to smithereens.
24 God created these crawling things with a purpose, so you better have a damn good reason for smashing them to smithereens.
And God thus created a whole lot of creatures that crawled upon the earth: and God saw that it was good.
25 And God decided to instill his likeness into a bodily form, i.e. humans, so as to have some intelligent beings to toy with.
God looked at his newest creation and observed it to be excessively "CUUUTE!"
26 So God created humans in his own image by snapping his fingers once more, male and female they were created. 
God looked at his newest creation and observed it to be excessively "CUUUTE!"
27 And God blessed them thoroughly, and God told them to have many fruits, and reproduce, and fill the earth, and dominate it: and regard all other living things as greatly inferior.
There were so many plants, you might as well call it a garden.
28 And God commanded to behold his greatness, 29 for he had created plants that provided food for these humans.
30 And the animals too were provided with food by these plants.
31 And God looked at everything he had made, and, behold, it was very good indeed. So much for the sixth day.
Thus God's job was done.
Beer. All a man, or a God for that matter, needs.
And on the seventh day God poured himself a nice pint of beer, eased back in his divine lounger and enjoyed not being concerned about anything at all.
32 And on the seventh day God poured himself a nice pint of beer, eased back in his divine lounger and enjoyed not being concerned about anything at all.
And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because God had liked that day the most.
If you want to see more, check out these articles.
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