Tillavian Pomangos

Okay, first of all, these guys are wrong. They're just FUCKing wrong. It's like Michael Jackson doing it with Abraham Lincoln. With your mom. In a hot tub. That's how wrong they are. These fucking idiots don't even know their right buttock from their left toe. They think that Mr. T is a car salesman. WHAT THE HELL! Seriously. A Tillavian Pomango is not a potato. It's not a god damn mango either. It's certainly not something that you get in a restaurant when the waiter misreads your order. Dipshits. It just amazes me at the lack of intelligence that people have these days. I walked down the street and asked people if they had any idea what a Tillavian Pomango is. They all said no. One of them tried to hit me with a cattle prod. Damn, here's a sad thing. I talked to God the other day. Yeah, he and I are homeys. The conversation went like this: 
*Me: Yo dude.
*God: Can I help you?
*Me: Do you know anything about Tillavian Pomangos?
*God: I don't understand your street slang, my Child.
*Me: Uh...
*God: Could you ever be certain? How often?
*Me: Huh? You're not making any sense.
*God: What? Was I supposed to make sense? I didn't know that.
*Me: Srsly.
*God: Who is your favorite Science Fiction author? 
*Me: Fuck you.
 
Yeah. Even God doesn't know what a Tillavian Pomango is. This guy is the ruler of the universe? Next election I'm voting for Chuck Norris. Now there's a man with a lot of balls. I'll bet you don't know what a Tillavian Pomango is either. Dipshit. That's why I'm writing this article. To educate fucking idiots like you. Yes, you. In the shirt. 
==It's not a FRIGGEN POTATO! (Or a mango)==
 
*Yes, that's right. It's NOT a potato. If it was a potato, they would call it a potato. If it was a mango, they would call it a mango. It's a pomango. A Tillavian Pomango. Again, it's NOT a potato. It's NOT a mango. It's a pomango. Pomango. P-O-M-A-N-G-O. Pomango. No potatoes. No mangoes. POMANGOS. Understood?
==History==
I am appalled to say that what is possibly one of the greatest topics of world history is something that has somehow kept itself from the history books. What are we stuck with? Learning about a bunch of crabs called the Romans. Men in spandex suits fighting wars with sticks and primitive projectile weapons. Dunces building sand castles in some African desert. Some queen who sat on her butt all day doing absolutely nothing (Damn, let's hope she had a cushion) gets herself two entire chapters. And if you did a scan through the whole book you wouldn't even see a single god damn sentence on the most important thing that ever happened: the origin of Tillavian Pomangos. The rest of that stuff is bullshit. 
It's hard to know where to begin when talking about the history of Tillavian Pomangos. Even in a book the size of a friggen library the vast amount of information on this topic could not be entirely covered. However, it is believed that they originated sometime around 5000 B.L.S. (Before Lunar Soap). The common theory among sciemtists is that they are the descendants of an ancient species of redneck fava beans. Scientists speculate that they eventually died out because the longest power outage in history left them without cable for four weeks. 
"Can't eat dinner without the television on, you know," said Earl Billy Bob in an interview one week before the extinction. "And I can't go drivin' to find no place with a TV 'cause I can't find my car in the front lawn! Damn grass is too high, I tell ya!" 
thumb|left|250|He doesn't have one little mint. Stay away from him.
It's a common misconception that Tillavian Pomangos originated in Tillavia. This is NOT true. If you were told this by the fried of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, it's likely that whoever started the rumor truly wasn't anyone's friend at all. Actually, he probably looked something like that guy in the picture to the left. BELIEVE IT! </Naruto> Seriously. Tillavia is a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, about the size of your mom. It has one guy living on it. He's fat and made entirely of copper. Truthfully, nobody knows where the hell Tillavian Pomangos really originated. Whoever got the idea to call them Tillavian Pomangos was probably just very high on drugs. Hell, they were probably the biggest drug dealer in whatever damn country they were from. No, the fucking world. Yeah. That's right. No, bigger than that. They were probably fucking Ronald McDonald. That's bigger than anyone in the universe. No. That goes into different dimensions, man. Of course, he wouldn't be the biggest drug dealer on Mars. Those Martians are fucking huge. You ever seen one? If one of those things sits on you you're some guy's pancake breakfast the next morning. Get yourself buttered in advance, kiddies!
==How can you be SO STUPID?==
Most (or some) of the above quotes are from people who don't have a fucking clue in a chicken (Hope it's soft in there) what a Tillavian Pomango is. You'd have a better chance of winning the lottery while getting raped by lightning ten times in the same second than to meet someone on the street who will know what a Tillavian Pomango is when you ask them about it. All right, get this. I was at a meeting the other day. I decided to ask the age old question: What's a Tillavian Pomango? Half of them said it was a friggen muffin. A muffin? What's up with that? I'd say they probably huffed one kitten too many. Don't do drugs, kids! If you do, be sure to take some Meth a trip to the doctor's office (Unless you're a health nut who eats apples every day. Then he'll just run away from you). 
thumb|right|250px|If you think this thing on the left is a Tillavian Pomango, then you're definitely smoking this thing on the right. That's weed, by the way.
 
It is also often thought that a Tillavian Pomango is a pedophile disguised as a retard. It's a FRIGGEN FRUIT, you whores. Besides, Michael Jackson can't be a Tillavian Pomango. He's in the tub with Abraham Lincoln and your mom. So please, do some research on this stuff. Library's that way: <- ->
==Where to Find Tillavian Pomangos==
Tillavian Pomangos are surprisingly easy to come by. They can be found in Checkerslovakia (King me, bitch), the United States of Germania, Peru (found in Italy), and zee Federal Republic dedicated to starting and losing every Worldwar, AKA Naziland, AKA Germany. Also, during full moons, Tillavian Pomangos have sometimes been known to be found growing on the Really Big Tree. 
==What they be good with==
Yes, you can't just eat something on its own. I mean, sure, you can have like, a plate of pasta or something. But it's just noodles! Put some oregano on there or something. Btw, if you actually just eat noodles without putting anything on them, you're a nut. Watch out for squirrels. Anyway, Tillavian Pomangos are like noodles. Not because they're stringy, although they can be if you roll them out for long enough with a roller. Then they'll be mushy. Who wants a mushy Tillavian Pomango? Maybe a nut. Like the kind of guy who eats noodles without putting anything on them. However, they are like spaghetti in that they have a tendency to go well with other things. Tillavian Pomangos go well with bad grammar, as the title of this segment may imply. Therefore they tend to flock in large groups around uneducated hobos, monkeys, and George Bush. What's the difference? 
thumb|left|250px|Tonight we've got an offer of free dictator salad, with your choice of Adolf Jewkiller, Jofez Stalinstache, and Saddam Insane. The difference between George Bush and an uneducated hobo is that George Bush has money. It's unknown just why exactly he has money, but people seem to think that it's because people throw money at him after they run out of tomatoes at his speeches. The only difference between George Bush and a monkey? Well...the monkey doesn't eat the money. 
Tillavian Pomangos also go quite well with salsa, AIPS apes, Fat naked men hot Fapanese catgirl pr0n, and Saddam Hussein's head.
Category:Crazy Incoherent Rambling
Category:Things You Can Eat
Category:Slang
Category:Words
Category:Articles written in the first person