I inherited a haunted Walmart: What Happens Next Will Blow Your Tits Clean Off

"Alright, Jimothy," my grandpa said as he stood in my doorway.
"Gramps, for cripe's sake, can't you see I'm busy beating my meat?!" I yelled, punching the ever-loving shit out of some ground beef.
"Well, then. Come down when you're done. We have some important matters to discuss."
"Sure thing, Gramps!" I lobbed the beef full force at my window and followed him downstairs.
He whacked me upside the head with a newspaper. "I didn't say now, you daft boy!"
"Oh," I replied, dejected. I turned to go back upstairs.
"Wait, now that you're hre, we need to discuss some matters. They're important."
"Your mom's important," I muttered.
He sat me down and began talking. "So, as you know, I'm the manager of [town withheld] Walmart. And with a little bit of nepotism magic, it will be yours, I've told you. I've worked there for nearly fifty years, Jimothy. It's time to pass the torch." He handed me a flashlight.
"Thanks..."
"I put my two weeks in yesterday, Jimothy. The Walmart will be yours in two weeks."
"Grandpa, you know I already have a job."
"Indeed, Jimothy. And I called them and resigned for you. This legacy... you mustn't let it die."
I couldn't understand why it mattered if someone related to my grandpa became manager. I mean, for one, don't you have to work your way up? And for two, it's frickin Walmart. Big whoop.
"There's one more thing..." he said suspiciously. "The store was built on an ancient graveyard. It's very, very haunted."
"Sounds fantastic," I said. I stood up. "Well, thanks for ruining my life." I gently clapped his shoulder.
"I'll start training you tomorrow!"
This is a convenient time skip to my first day as manager.
"I have no fucking clue what I'm doing," I said, aimlessly poking at the register, trying to teach a new employee how to use it.
"Me neither," she replied. The lights flickered ominously. Thunder crashed, lightning pealing across the sky. I saw it because we have some nifty sunlights.
I stepped away from the register, and hurried to the back. Grandpa told me that lightning was a bad omen, especially when it was just clear and sunny three seconds ago. I ignored the family of melting people I ran by until I slipped in a puddle. That puddle was their baby, Delia. This was the fourth time this has happened. I think she trips me on purpose.
I scurried around the backroom and found exactly what I needed. The vending machine! I kicked a skeleton out of the way and bought some Fanta. I chugged it and looked around some more. Headless body, check. Giant glowing crow, check. Sickly-sweet odor, check. Everything looked to be in order.
"Jimothy!" the front-line manager yelped. "Where have you been? This lady needs to speak to the manager's manager!"
Karen glared at me, her ridiculously blonde stacked haircut flew off her head and attacked me. "Someone call the exorcist, Hairison's at it again." Hairison was the ghost of this very hairy (think caveman) man who died by trying to trim his hair with a chainsaw. He haunts people's hair. But only people who are wearing pink in aisle ten at 2:03pm. I threw the sentient hair off of me and screamed.
Several customers looked at me. One of their eyes fell out. Hopefully that was one of the spirits, else I'll have a lawsuit on my very inexperienced hands.
The lightning finally subsided, and everything went back to normal. Same old normal shithole, where the scariest things are what some people try to squeeze into.
So if you're ever at the [data expunged] Walmart and it suddenly begins to lightning, just know you're probably screwed and there's nothing you can do about it. But please, come to our store. The customer is always right. Especially when they walk right in front of the legless axe murderer and get an axe thrown into their faces!
please follow r/thanoschungus for more of absolutely not this
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:Memes
Category:Title that makes babbies laugh
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep