A Case of Dancing Frogs

Okay, one day there was some frogs singing in a dimly lit nightclub, but that's when one of the frogs obviously the ringleader wondered why do they sing in the first place. His name was Dominic. He was very bland incredibly bland I should say as he sounded bored in pretty much everything he said. He used to be a soldier for the Corleone Family, and was actually on the verge of being promoted to the rank of Capo, but he lost that chance when Don Corleone discovered from his mole inside the Genco Pura Olive Oil Company that Dominic was hiring people without even asking to see if they were qualified for the job or not. I mean for goodness sakes, he hired a local street hood who used to be a baker to be his chief arsonist. Baker and arsonist. It's not even in the same ball park Dom. Well, Dominic was very angry because Don Corleone ended up putting a hit out on him. The old bulldog! Oh, Dominic hoped he croaked on a frog like some kind of Karl Pilkington. After being exiled from the Corleone Empire, Dominic found himself without a job and felt helpless like a dog without an owner. He began frequenting a nightclub controlled by a very annoying but simply charming old bugger who goes by the name of Norris Fieldsworth. Norris was very polite and cordial remaining that way as he listened to Dominic's full dramatic tale. In turn, Dominic would listen to Norris as he rambled on about his distain for the current sweet brands sold at shops located in Hartley Dale. "Just look at those monstrosities! Starbursts and Midget Gems! What's wrong with Shubert Lemons and Liquorish All Sorts?" 
Norris then proceeded to place his fingers into his mouth which made him look very worried. Very worried indeed. Norris took off his reading glasses as he said; "why don't you sing?" Hmm. Dominic thought about Norris' offer for a moment, but ultimately declined it as even know he knew had a killer singing voice. He long had a hatred for singing after he had a bad experience in school when he attempted to join the choir. On his first day in choir, the elderly choir lady came up to Dom and asked, "tell me young man do you like to sing!?" "Um." Dominic said awkwardly. That damn choir lady's singing was so loud that glass would actually break into a million tiny bite size pieces whenever she would sing. Dominic gutted opted to drop the choir in favour of achieving his one and only dream of becoming a concert pianist. He dreamed one day to perform on a stage with Captain Hook or rather Bootleg Hook who had been a childhood friend of Dominic's. Hook and his family lived in a boat which had been beached in the local village. But that's a story for another day. George Extra Large. I think I did that right. Was that correct Vinnie? Ahem! Sorry about that; Norris handed Dominic a microphone as he sang in a shrill voice shrill enough to chill a bill, "give it a try! Why not give it a try?" "I can think of a few reasons." Dominic muttered as he paid for his latte, and took the mic out from Norris' old smelly and clammy hands. He was only doing this to shut the old daffer up.
Well, thinking that Dominic sorely lacked confidence; Fieldsworth hired his old friend; Zeus The Guitar Lord. Yes, ole Squidy had finally gotten Zeus the guitar that he longed for ever since 2009 to be precise when he was arrested for sweet trafficking. He was trafficking Shubert Lemons. So; as you can see it's all coming together as ole Zeusy baby also held Norris' hatred for the current sociological mandates. Climbing onto the stage, Dominic was dismayed to learn that he was going to be singing alongside someone playing the guitar. Guitar was so cliché to him back then. Not sure why but I think we put it down to someone's chemistry set. Anyways, Dom missed the first couple verses, but once he started singing it was electric. A gang of beavers munching on wood gathered around the stage and a bunch of smelly people were singing in the back. One of those beavers was wielding a chainsaw. Oh; Norris was very impressed with the singing and praised Dom for his singing ability. "I know I am great aren't I?" Dom gloated as he adjusted his suit. Norris was just about offer Dom a music contract only to get beaten to the post by his arch nemesis; Jacob Stein. Back in the 1980's long before the events of this story; Norris had a full set of hair and a one way ticket to Bazooka City or Greenville as it was known back in those days. Please don't mention Greenville okay love? Norris worked as a talent agent back then, but it sadly never went anywhere as he was known for being a hard bargainer and would always wake up his client at 5'o clock in the morning for a bowl of gruel. Norris' clients were almost always stolen by Stein who owned The Stein Brothers Music Label. Ironically, in spite of the name, Stein had no brother but he most certainly had a lot of friends in politics. My dearest reader there are many things that money cannot buy. I can't name any right now at the top of my head but still.
Entering the smoking room, Norris winked a sink at a nearby waitress as Jacob Stein pulled out a contract from his ear as he said, "I see bright things for you my boy." "You really mean that?" Dominic inquired like some kind of Maurice as Stein placed his hand upon the young frog's shoulder and said, "I am deadly serious dearest frog. For; you and your singing is out of this world. I could see you and your face on billboards all the way from here to Times Square. I can help you make an album. All you've got to do is sign the contract." Dominic signed the contract which had been dipped in wax and sunflower oil as Stein laughed heavily before saying; "let's go and meet the others!" "Others?" Dominic asked under his breath as he was escorted into the parking lot by Stein and his two incredibly tall but admittedly rather dumb looking bodyguards. Yes, much to his chagrin Dominic was not actually going to be a solo act as he had hoped and was actually going to be joining a band of singing frogs. None of the frogs could sing, but they could play instruments like it was no tomorrow. Dominic was viewed with jealousy by his fellow frogs, and they would regularly threaten him by stuffing him in the trunk of their car. Dominic couldn't leave the band which goes by the name of Green N Mean because he was under contract. The wily Stein had planned well. Aside from his fellow frogs, Dominic also had a common enemy in the conductor who would always pull incredibly smelly faces as he conducted the frogs. He looked like he was trying to hold in a massive fart. Not wanting to remain with a band he disliked for his entire life, this is when Dominic brought up the question that we had started this epic tale with. Why? Why do frogs sing like the King? Why can't ole Dom can't be allowed to choose his own fate. In truth, he had never been able to make his own decisions having been forced by his fathers into joining the Corleone Family so that they could get free bottles of Genco Pura Olive Oil delivered to their doorstep every December the 25th.
Drinking from a glass of scotch pre-war, the band's drummer and only human member who goes by the name of Randall asked why Dominic would want to quit anyhow as the only other job Dominic could hope for was working for peanuts down at the docks. Yes, the docks were controlled by peanuts. Why are you surprised about that anyhow? Randall then offered since Dominic was his boy to make him soup, and to also help get him a job at the local factory which desperately needed employees. Seeking to quit, Dominic accepted Randall's offer. Randall took a swig from a glass of pine needles as he said, "now all you'se got to do is quit." Dominic gulped heavily, but he knew what had to be done. Naturally as you might expect at first, Jacob Stein refused to let his lead singer go free, but that's when Dominic showed off a previously unseen attribute of himself. He was an expert blackmailer. He blackmailed Stein by saying he would go to the police with photos he had taken which showcased Stein attending a royal banquet with Don Salieri. He also had some files which proved that Stein used to work for Salieri back in the old days. Back when the world was new, and before Zeus hurled his thunderbolt if you know what I mean. "Right off you pop." Stein said as he gave Dominic the most passive aggressive handshake that has ever been known, but it was a very important handshake nonetheless as it signified the fact that Dominic's tenure with Green N Mean had finally come to an end. It's worth noting that one of the reasons why Stein had not wanted to let Dominic go initially is because Green N Mean was in the process of getting sued by the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham who believed that the band's name was false advertising as the band had nothing to do with being environmentally friendly, and also the environment is not mean. They do have a point.
Unfortunately, Dominic very quickly grew to hate working at the factory after he nearly killed one of his co-workers by not listening to his boss as he was driving a forklift. He drove the forklift straight into a huge tower of iron girders which all fell on top of Dominic's co-worker who goes by the name of Moral Lint. Moral was a proper bro though, so he acted as if the accident was his own fault which helped to serve Dominic a great many pennies. Not too pennies, I hope. Sadly, Dominic didn't learn his lesson when it came to operating heavy machinery as he ended up actually killing one of his co-workers for real this time. An incredibly nervous former Easily Offended Knight; Richard Sword was helping Dominic with drilling a hole through a table. Though incredibly nervous that someone might make a joke about him not joining the family business of jams and jellies, Sword was incredibly smart with tools and was rather frustrated that he had to keep reminding Dominic about to keep himself safe. He constantly had to remind Dom to wear his safety goggles and hard hat. Despite being given these lessons time and time again Dominic failed to head the warnings, and one day ole Sword ended up paying the ultimate price for his ignorance. While drilling the hole in the table, Dominic got distracted by a bottle of chocolate milk that some one had managed to stick to the top of one of the ceiling lights. This caused him to lose focus and for the driller to go flying and it stabbed Sword right in the head like a sword. Wink. Sword died but his death was heavily covered up with his boss lying that he was involved in the dope business, but it was all a load of sugar honey iced tea.
Following these two incidents, Dominic was given his goodbye goodie bag and was sent on his way. Send him on his way. Send him on his way. The piano dream was now all but a distant memory. He could not even afford a place to hang his hat. He'd of given an arm or a leg just to spend a night at Captain Hook's bed and breakfast, but he knew the old captain only wanted £2 so that he could rub the coins together to aggravate the Molinari Family enforcers who are known to wreak havoc upon the Longshore. Having no other option, Dominic decided to bite the bullet and spend the nights out on the street, but it didn't go very well. He tried sleeping in an old, abandoned stairwell, but was almost immediately confronted by a homeless man who seemed to be very nice at first. He offered Dom a bar of Cadburys Dairy Milk. Dominic took a big ole bite out from the chocolate bar only to learn that it was made from wax and play doh. Well buggering buggerton I must say! Dominic pulled out a revolver from his suit pocket and got ready to pummel bullets into this renegade Welshman, but that's when the homeless man revealed that he was actually nothing more than an elaborate red herring. He was in reality an undercover member of the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham. He had been sent on an errand by the Knights to recruit Dominic to aid in their helpful cause. "Why do you come to me?" Dominic questioned as he and the non-homeless man made their way through the town until they reached Lady Birkshire's compound.
Lady Birkshire offered Dominic the chance to get his story told, and let the entire world know that being a singing frog ain't all it cracks up to be you know. "But how am I going to do that exactly?" Dominic asked. He sure does ask a lot of question doesn't he that Dominic? Whatever, Lady Birkshire smiled an incredibly smug face far too smug for my liking anyway as she said, "I got you an invite to appear on the Murray Franklin Show. Just watch your tongue when you're around ole Murray okay dear, as he happens to be a very good friend of mine." Well, this day suddenly just got a whole lot better. Dominic could not believe his ears! Do frogs have ears? Ole Murray was Dominic's idol and the young frog had spent many a day in his dimly studio apartment watching the Murray Show. Murray was a close friend of Lady Birkshire as we've already established and was known to donate large amounts of cash to the windmill in Full Vigour, which was as you may expect controlled by the Knights. That evening, Dominic was brought to Television Centre London which is where dreams come to die. Murray was very tired and drank from an espresso as he rudely pushed Dominic into his room which stank of prawns. King prawns too. At one point while Dom was adjusting his suit for the big show, a production crew member came into the room and held his nose in disgust as he cried, "oh that's some rank stank my little duckling!" That production crew member may or may not have really been the Bread Maker in disguise, but only time will tell, however. Just don't worry your beautiful head about for I keep an active file. Wink. Dominic was introduced by Murray as being the frog who saved all of the frogs from becoming frog legs at a French restaurant which seems to have a personal vendetta against cats of the ginger variety.
Murray's interview with Dominic warmed the heart of millions of people across the country. Murray was particularly horrified when he heard that Dominic's ex-boss Jacob Stein wouldn't even let Dominic have dental. Shrek would kill for some dental I tell you what! "Let me get this straight; you don't even have dental why should we believe you?" Murray questioned, but Dominic assured the inquisitive talk show host that he could find the answer he seeked if he simply followed the memos. One woman whose heart was particularly warmed by Dominic's traumatic tale was none other than Fran Robinson. Long ago and yet not so very long ago, Dominic had been Fran's pet when she was a small girl and she tried to teach him now to sing. She ended up losing Dominic after she accidentally dropped him into the sewer line. The sheer impact of the fall had caused Dominic to forget all about his past owner, but he knew he recognised her when she kept laughing at all of his terrible jokes. Calm down Dominic you ain't Joker. Wink. After the show concluded, Murray pulled Dominic close to him as he said, "I really appreciate what you said son." He then continued with, "all these cameras and people; I would trade it all if I could have a son like you." The pair exchanged a friendly hug, but Dominic was then pulled aside by Fran Robinson who said with a glare, "I'll give you a place to stay!" She meant it in a nice way and didn't realise that she had been glaring while she said it. 
So, after a brief mishap where Dominic believed Fran wanted to throw him into the furnace in order to make frog legs, he ended up agreeing to stay with her and her family up at the Robison Pad. "I'll only stay a day or a week. No more than one though." Dominic said in a very dumb voice which sounded a bit like a Welsh farmer who used to skin donkeys and stuff them into Christmas wrapping. I never said it was a nice Welsh farmer now did I love. Dominic still hasn't left the Robinson pad for he has finally found a place to call his own. Fran had already established her own singing frog band who were so much nicer than the previous one which Dominic had been a part of. They listened to Dominic, and they loved his stories and singing so much that they made him the leader of their little gang shall we say. Dominic would occasionally and only occasionally mind show glimpses of his time with the Corleone's and was known for being an expert hitman or hit frog, I guess. So much so that whenever a traitor entered the Robinson domain without an invitation; Dominic would be sent to teach them a lesson. Even though I referred to Dominic as a hit frog, he never actually killed the people that the Robinson clan paid him to target as he is after all no murderer. He may be a seriously weird frog who refuses to get married despite very rapidly approaching the age of 32 but he ain't no murderer. He wasn't sick. As a matter of fact, he ain't sick at all.
When Dominic's birthday rolled around, Fran decided to reward the young frog for all of his hard work by inviting Bootleg Captain Hook over to the house. That evening, all of the Robinsons watched on in amazement as Dominic and Bootleg Hook played a tune on the piano. Oh, sing us a song you're the piano men. We're all in the mood for a melody and you've got feeling us alright. Well, that's a wrap people. Cue the saucy music. That's the story of Dominic the singing frog who thought he wanted more than this provincial life when all he really wanted was clarity. I mean all he really wanted was a place to call his home. Oh, if only Norris Fieldsworth could see him now! He'd probably still pulling that worried face. Why so worried Norris? Why so worried? Now, I do have to wonder if any other animals have a similar story to Dom's. I know this snail a part-time loan shark from Los Angeles goes by the name of Victor Montague. Maybe one day we'll hear his story. Maybe one day. Now, if you excuse me I must be off for it is time for me to catch a little sunshine as I finally managed to get myself a toy helicopter. Isn't that sweet? Farewell! This is Jonathan Maguire signing off! 
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