Burger Critique From an Engineer

Those look great. EXCEPT you put all the toppings on the bottom.... I hate that and have no idea why it's become a thing everywhere over the past 10 years.
For one thing, if you wash your lettuce and are using ripe tomatoe, all the water and juice leak down and make the bottom bun fall apart. The juice from the burger also hits the lettuce, which is non absorbent and drips down until it falls out of the burger wasting flavor and making it much more of a mess.
Finally, the cheese acts as a gluing agent, holding everything in place.
As an engineer, the proper way to build a burger is to lightly butter the top and bottom buns and grill them slightly. This increases structural integrity and reduces the permeation rate of liquid while still retaining enough permeation to allow for full absorption.
You then place the burger, cheese side up, on the bottom bun. There should be absolutely no separation between meat and bun. That burger should be raw dogging that bun, 100%. This allows for maximum burger juice retention as gravity and wicking pull it down into the bun.
Now, the cheese is open for debate, as there are many acceptable types to go with, but the one that shines is the worst, cheapest of them all, the slice of American. Really the only thing it should ever be used for. Cheddar is OK, but it doesn't melt properly and worse, gets sweaty. Pepperjack is also a great alternative, especially when paired with BBQ sauce rather than ketchup, but if you put it on too early it will melt and run off.
The next layer should be onion, right on top of the cheese. Separated sliced onion rounds are preferred to chopped as the rings create more barriers to hold in other toppings and condiments as well as providing spacers and insulation separating the hot burger and cheese from the colder vegatables that do not handle heat as well as the mighty onion.
Chopped are not as good at this, but does provide a more even spread if you want equal parts onion in every bite. If sautéing onions, chopped is preferred as sauteed rings are more difficult to bite through and will slide all over the place.
Whatever form the onions take, if applied in a single layer the cheese helps hold them in place.
Next should go tomato, if that's your bag, I personally skip that stage, followed by pickles, again I skip them, and finally whole leaf iceberg lettuce.
We use iceberg not because it's the tastiest or has the most nutrients, but because it's crisp and has the right texture. Arugula is an affront to the pallet and spinach leaf or similar might as well be lawn clippings as far as texture goes.
The lettuce should be separated into single layers, but you will want to have at least two layers for insulation and to provide a nice crisp crunch. It is advised to wash both sides of the lettuce and gently pat them dry with paper towels to reduce drippage. Do not crush the lettuce during this stage, as it will lose its crispness.
Last, your condiments. These go on the top bun. I personally prefer a simple ketchup and mayo combo in equal parts, though, as previously mentioned, a good BBQ sauce is also good on its own.
These should be applied liberally, with no need to spread, just healthy dollops right in the middle of the bun. The act of pressing the bun into the lettuce will spread the condiments adequately.
If anything drips from that burger it will be ketchup and mayo, not your cheese or the juices from the burger.
Now let's compare this to the toppings on the bottom....
They usually do everything in reverse. Starting with pickles, pressed into the bread and leaking vinegar all over it, followed by tomato, again slopping juice everywhere, then shredded lettuce... then they slop ketchup and mayo all over that, and plop the patty down onto the bed of lettuce.
Now you have hot burger directly on lettuce, and that heat combined with the hot juices seeping throughout the thinly shredded lettuce, causes it to wilt instantly and become a great, soggy mess. Then they plop the top bun straight down on the cheese. There is now no chance of getting that bun off the burger. Was it set slightly askew so your burger to bun ratio is all wrong on half the bites? Tough. You're stuck with it. No take backs.
When you go to pick this monstrosity up, you've got gravity working against you as the tomato and lettuce slide against each other lubricated by the condiments and burger grease, so the second you take a bite everything squeezes out the bottom. Little bits of soggy wilted shredded lettuce are flying willy nilly in every direction...
So what do they do to solve this dilemma of their own poor burger engineering choices? They wrap it in wax paper....
Now you have to wrestle with the paper every bite until you get to the end where you find half a head of shredded lettuce stewing in a mass of ketchup, mayo, water, and burger juice that you just wad up and throw away like the rest of your bad decisions in life.
Edit: multiple typos and a single line of clarification about putting the burger directly on the bottom bun.
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