Blonde Jokes

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i'm the brightest fish in the box. - quote by a blond in my 3rd period class.
===Q & A===
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A Golden Retriever. 
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Q. What do you call a blonde standing in the middle of an intersection?
A. Dead. 
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Q. Why did a blonde get a refund for a donut?
A. There was a hole in it.
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Q. What did the blond say when she looked in the box of Cheerios?
A. DONUT SEEDS!
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Q. Why did the blond stare at the orange juice box for ten minutes?
A. It said "concentrate".
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Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A. You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for a week.
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Q. What does a blonde say after her 11th orgasm?
A. "Do you all play for the same football team?"
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Q. Why was the blonde fired from the bananna company?
A. She threw out all of the bent ones.
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Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
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Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
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Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.
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Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
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Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
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Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
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Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
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Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
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Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
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Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A. There is white out on the screen.
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Q. Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?
A. Her boyfriend was also a blonde
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Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge?
A. A fridge won’t fart when you take your meat out of it.
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Q. What's the difference between a rooster and a blond?
A. A rooster says cockadodaldo and a blond says any cock will do.
===Longer Jokes===
A man walked into a darkened bar, where he was having difficulty seeing. After standing drinking at the bar for some time, he turned to a female figure next to him and said, "Do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?"
The woman replied: "I am a blonde - I am also a black belt in Karate. I am here with my two friends. The first is also a blonde, and a champion body-builder. The second is a blonde as well, and is out on parole after having been imprisoned for brutally beating her ex-boyfriend. Now, do you seriously want to be telling us that joke now?"
"No," said the man, "Not if I have to explain the joke three times!"
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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
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A Blonde walks into a prison bar thinking she can get a drink or two. A minute after walking into it she says 'Ouch!' (It's an iron bar in a prison) 
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A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
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Two blondes walked into a bar; you would have thought one of them would have seen it.
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A blond, a brunette and a redhead find a magic mirror. The mirror tells them that if they say something good that they think about themselves, they will get their heart's desire. However, if it's a lie, they will get sucked into the mirror forever. The brunette steps up and says "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world" and she gets sucked in. The redhead says "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world" and she gets sucked in. The blond says "I think..." and gets sucked in.
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A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"
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A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....
:Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"
:Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."
:Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
:Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."
At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.
:Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."
:Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 229".
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A blonde walks into a pawn shop and makes her way up to the counter. She asks the clerk how much it would cost to buy the television in the window, and he replies "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't sell those to blondes". The next day, she dyes her hair black, comes back in and walks up to the clerk again. He once again replies that they don't sell it to blondes. Furious, the blonde leaves and goes home. The next day, she buys a ski mask and walks back into the same store wearing it. She asks the clerk if she could buy the television in the window and the clerk once again replies, "I'm sorry, we don't sell those to blondes". Angry now, the blonde yells "THAT'S IT, HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A BLONDE?" 
The clerk replies "Because that's not a TV. It's a microwave"
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A blonde and two brunettes escaped from prison. To get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three empty burlap sacks laying around, and they decided that's where they'd hide. When the cops came to the farm house, they searched high and low until there was nothing left but the burlap sacks. The officers thought the bags looked pretty lumpy, so they decided to kick them to make sure the girls weren't hiding there. The first officer goes and kicks the one with the brunette in it and she yells, "MEEEYYOWW!" the officer said, "Oh, its just a stupid cat in there." The second officer kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, "RUUFFF RUFFF!", so the officer says, "Oh, it's just a stupid dog!" The third officer kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, "POTATO!", then the officer notes, "Oh, it's just a stupid blonde... Wait a minute!"
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A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raised their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
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There's one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
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A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is!" exclaimed the blonde. "My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying 'You've Got Mail!'"
 
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. 
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter, and I'm driving the damn SALT TRUCK!"
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
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A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"
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There were three blondes at the University of Texas. The Dean gave them the job of measuring the height of the new flagpole. They put the flagpole in the base and get on ladders to measure it. Finally an architect walks by and sees they are having trouble so he takes the pole out of the ground and lays it down and pulls out his tape measure. He writes the measurement on a piece of paper and walks away. The blondes look at each other and say "Just like those damn architects, give us length when we wanted height."
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in an officeblock lift. The redhead says "Hey look at that! it looks just like a semen stain on the wall!". The brunette kneels down and sniffs at it and says " My God! it even smells like semen!", so the blonde kneels down and licks it and says "Well it's not from anyone in this office block."
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A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her
eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing!"
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A blond was driving in her convertable and cuts off a truck trying to pass it. The truck driver gets really angry and honk his horn and flashes his lights. 
The blond pulls over at a rest area. 
The truck driver pulls into it and gets out of his truck. He draws a circle with a stick and tells her to stand in it. She does. The driver then gets out his sledge hammer and attacks the convertable with it.
After 5 minutes of beating her car, the blond starts to laugh. The truck driver looks at her confusingly and finishes beating her car with the sledge hammer. He walks over and asks what was so funny. The blond replies "While you were doing your thing, I took a step out of the circle!"
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are sent to be executed. The redhead is up first. The man, about to shoot her, says "Ready...Aim...." The redhead says "Tornado!" The man looks away and the redhead escapes. The brunette is about to be shot and the man says "Ready...Aim...." The brunette says "Earthquake!" The man seeks shelter and the brunette escapes. Now its the blonde's turn she picks up on what the other two have done. Now the man goes "Ready...Aim...." She yells out "Fire!".
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A blonde and two brunettes are on a swim team, and their coach tells them to do 5 laps of breast stroke. 
The first brunette comes back 2 minutes later, the second brunette comes back 3 minutes later, and then the blonde comes back 2 hours later.
The coach asks, "Why did it take you so long?" and the blonde replies, "They cheated! They used their hands!"
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A girl comes home from school and says "Mom, today we learned to count to five, but i already know how to count to ten!" Her mother then says "Very good darling! That's because you're blond." The next day the girl comes home and says "Mom today we leared the alphabet up to G, but i already know it all the way up to O!" and her mother answers "very good darling! That's because you're blonde." The next day the girl comes home from school looking very confused and says "Mom, today after gym class I noticed that I have much larger breasts than the other girls. Is that because I'm blonde?". "No honey," says her mother "That's because you're 23".
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Two brunettes and a blonde are sitting in a waiting room, waiting to have their ultrasounds. The first brunette says "I'm going to have a girl because I was on top." The second brunette says "I'm having a boy, because I was underneath". The blonde then becomes extremely confused andspends a few minutes in silent concentration before exclaiming, "Oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
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===Top 21 Blonde Inventions===
21.SAT Answer Key for Students
20. glow in the dark camoflage
19. phones for deaf people
18. Designer Camoflauge
17. Battery-Powered Battery Charger
16. Double Sided Playing Cards
15. Motorcycle Ashtray
14. Blunt Safety Knife
13. Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
12. Motorcycle Air-Conditioner
11. Helicopter Ejection Seat
10. Condom with Air Holes
9. Water-Proof Tea Bag 
8. Pedal-Powered Wheel Chair
7. Powdered Water
6. Dictionary with Index Page
5. Inflatable Dart Board
4. A Book on How to Read
3. Submarine Screen Door
2. Solar Powered Flashlight
1. The Water-Proof Towel
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===See Also===
*Blonds
*Dead Baby Jokes
*Chinese Proverbs
Category:Humour
Category:Jokes