Iffey Jr.

The Iffey Jr. is a Legendary Item that Minimized the wielder but allowed them to protect their team from incineration. It first appeared during .
==Acquisition by the Dale==
The Iffey Jr. was introduced via a blessing of the same name during . The exact wording of the blessing was as follows (see Operation for further implications of this text):
Item. A sawed-off bat of protection. Impossible to wield*. Minimize a Player, but they† shield‡ your team§ from incineration.
In what would be called a wimdy in Miami vernacular, the Miami Dale won the blessing with 2% of a total 119,673 votes, upsetting the highest bidder New York Millennials, who had 56% of the vote. 
Dale lineup player Raúl Leal received the Iffey Jr. Leal was then Minimized (reduced to 0 stars in all stats) and received the unique Fire Protector modification. The exact wording of the modification was as follows (see Operation for further implications of this text):
This player will protect their¶ team# from incinerations.
 
==Operation==
The precise operation of the Iffey Jr. was not well understood until , but some information about its properties was revealed during its tenure. First, there was the question of whether it would Minimize the wielder once or repeatedly. This was put to rest when Leal gained stars via Enhanced Party Time (twice during and once during ). Additionally, it was unclear whether the item would function only during blaseball games or for any incineration targeting their team (see Semantic Analysis for an in-depth review of the meaning of "their team" in the operation of the Iffey Jr.) It was proven that the Iffey Jr. would work outside of play during the (see Second Redirection.)
The object's predominant function was observed twice during its tenure in the League.
===First Redirection===
On , Day 94, a rogue umpire attempted to incinerate Beck Whitney. However, Raúl Leal redirected the attack back to the umpire using the Iffey Jr. This incineration is the first known instance of an umpire death since the start of Internet League Blaseball. The deceased was later identified as Ump Husky.
===Second Redirection===
During the , the Miami Dale won the New Kid blessingMiami_Dale/History#Triple_Kill_and_the_Second_Reflected_Incineration and a rogue umpire attempted to incinerate their least Idolized player, Don Elliott. Leal again prevented the incineration using the Iffey Jr., despite its occurrence outside of regular play. A second Umpire, later identified as Ump Raúl, died in the attempt. 
===Vulnerability===
A fatal vulnerability of the Iffey Jr. was revealed on , Day 43, when Leal was incinerated. While shocking, the weakness was confirmed by Umpire sun2man, who stated "TO BE CLEAR...RAUL WAS ALWAYS INCINERATE-ABLE"Umpire Sun2Man [ump_sun2man] (10 Mar 2021). Via #dale, Blaseball Discord.. Following Leal's death, the Commissioner tweeted that "In light of Raúl’s storied career, the Iffey Jr. has been deemed Historically Significant and will be Preserved."https://twitter.com/blaseball/status/1369655297740922882?s=20
===Redistribution===
During the Season β23 elections, The Iffey Jr. was won once again by the Miami Dale, going to Jode Crutch.
===Semantic Analysis===
The ambiguous nature of the Iffey Jr.'s descriptive text has been a subject of debate since its introduction. Analysis of the text provided in the blessing and item descriptions along with historical data paints an inconsistent, even deliberately obfuscatory picture.
** Impossible to wield: Exaggerated, figurative. Was wielded hundreds of times by Raúl Leal. Many of these were not particularly successful, but the absolute nature of the term "impossible" is clearly at odds with Leal's nonzero batting average.
*† they: Could have either the wielder or the object itself as referent. If the latter, the use of "they" over "it" might imply a level of personification mirrored by the item's "Jr." suffix. It seems more likely, given the clause "Minimize a Player," that the referent is said Player, but it is by no means definitive.
*‡ shield: Implies a particular relationship between the wielder and the object of the sentence; the wielder is protecting by taking a specific action to do so. Given the vulnerability, we can in hindsight more clearly interpret this as "the wielder is protecting [someone else] by taking a specific action to do so.
*§ your team: Refers to the team of which the wielder is a member, but in a particular sense. "Your" is an outlier in typical blessing text; may refer to the fan whose ticket was drawn, resulting in winning the blessing, or to the entirety of the winning team's fanbase. Seems deliberately juxtaposed with "they," i.e., substituting "their team" would be clearer. Notably, by using "your," the team referred to is the entirety of the roster of the team who won the blessing. There is nothing in the text to suggest any kind of division between the wielder and the team.
*¶ their: The Fire Protector modification text reverses the previous decision. Whether intentional or not, this inconsistency casts doubt on any attempt to parse this aspect of the blessing or modification text.
*# team: Again, a lack of clarity as to the subject leaves the reader unable to accurately derive the intended meaning of "team." Considering common potential phrases such as "my team and I," "my team isn't here right now," etc., it is not always the case that the subject is semantically included within the group, even with a direct grammatical link which implies they are, simultaneously, a member of said group. The modification text gives no signifiers to aid in meaning-making. Whose team is protected? What does that suggestion of ownership imply?
Only upon the incineration of the wielder were these questions put to rest: the wielder is separate, a distinct actor protecting "[the rest of] their team." Given the statement referenced in Vulnerability, it appears that the Umps were aware of the correct reading when the item was introduced. There is no evidence as to whether the ambiguity was intentional or simply an interaction between unclear writing and overactive fan analysis. There is likewise nothing suggesting whether knowledge of the vulnerability, if they did have any, affected the actions of any Umpires. Some fansGonzales, Gerald (20XX, March 12). Noise Ordinances Lifted Countywide in Memory of the Miami Sound Barrier; Fans Throw 'Funerager' Downtown. The Miami Gerald, pp.A1-A3. find it difficult to square assertions of ignorance and/or randomness with the relatively low likelihood that Leal would be targeted by the second unprompted incineration attempt on the Dale since the team acquired the Iffey. Other than sun2man's statement, ILB staff and the IPUU have to date released no information about their historical knowledge of the Iffey's properties.
==Trivia==
*Contrary to popular depictions, no one knows exactly how much of the Iffey Jr. was sawed off, by whom, or in which direction.
*Despite its name, the Iffey Jr. has no known relatives.
*There is an "e" in the name of the Iffey Jr.
==In Popular Media==
While the only official physical description of the Iffey Jr. was that it was "a sawed-off bat," a number of artists have depicted the item, often in the hands of its wielder, Raúl Leal.
===Music===
*Life of the Party (Death of the Gods) on the album Away Games by The Garages (credit to )
===Literature===
*The Dale Remember by Astrid Dalmady (Twine)
===Visual Arts===
File:UmpIncineration.png|Leal Redirects an Incineration, by 
File:Rivraul.jpg|Leal holding the Iffey Jr. by 
File:Raul hlomecoming by lemmy.png|Leal and the Iffey at Season 8 Hlomecoming, by 
File:Churg raulvsump.jpg|Leal faces a rogue umpire, by 
File:Raulleal newtemplate.png|Raúl Leal by 
===Sports===
This item's name is a reference to Ken Griffey Jr.[Who?]
References:
Category:Miami Dale