Personal Defense Solutions

Life is dangerous, and hazards to your safety are everywhere. Personal Defense Solutions strives to scam protect you and make as much money as possible in the process.
Below are some of the services we offer.
==Bodyguard==
A person who will guard your dead body once an assassin is done with it and make sure no one takes it for satanic rituals. They will ensure that your body is properly cremated (you don't want funeral parlours scamming you out of your money!) and your will is read appropriately. For the anxious politician worried about being assassinated and leaving no one to care of their dog, our well trained bodyguards will let assassins do their job and then protect your grave from body-snatchers.
==Home Defense==
As the saying goes: "A man's home is his castle". However, it is most likely a castle with unstable masonry, numerous fire risks, inadequate ventilation, and improperly installed electrical outlets. Personal Defense Solutions will help you make your home safer from a range of threats.
===Intruders===
One thing in common between a group of cyborg pirate ninjas and a highly trained SWAT Assault Team is that you do not want either of them trying to take your house by force. Although some inexperienced homeowners rely on composite Kevlar and carbon fibre vests to keep them safe from bullets, armour-piercing rounds from a SMG can easily go through it, leaving the dying homeowner regretting not having invested in better protective measures. Personal Defense Solutions Ltd. has exclusive export rights from Wakanda and Mandalore, and our Vibranium/Beskar Composite full-body armour will protect you from all human weapons and it weighs just 50kg. We offer free repairs in case of damage.Armour warranty does not apply in Asgard or Swedenland Plus, you will instantly have the coolest costume at any party, even if you are too heavy to move.
===Tanks===
It's a Sunday morning, and as you wake up you notice a Leopard 2A7 main battle tank on your doorstep, for whatever reason. With its Rheinmetall 120 mm smoothbore gun, it is perfectly poised to destroy your entire property. Before you reach for the complimentary Molotov cocktails you've kept from that Al-Qaeda conference, remember that this tank has nano-ceramic and titantium-steel alloy armour: some run-of-the-mill IEDs aren't going to blow it up. Your potent farts might be able to knock out the operators and corrode the tank's armour, but there isn't any time to eat some cheesy bean burritos. You, your computer, your precious collection of Happy meal toys, and your house is doomed to oblivion.
However, Personal Defense Solutions has you covered! We provide high-explosive squash head (HESH) weapons for just $49.99 eachDelivery and activation of HESH weapons requires a permanent deposit of the market price of the HESH weapon, which splats plastic explosive on the surface of the tank upon impact and immediately detonates it. By targeting the roof of the tank, you will be able to penetrate its weaker armour there and teach the crew a lesson they will never forget for the extremely short remainder of their lives.
===Falling Grand Pianos===
Being crushed by a grand piano is the leading cause of death among people with IQ below 50 (which probably includes you, you dumbass). Wearing a heavy helmet makes you look even weirder than you are, but it will prevent a grand piano at terminal velocity from killing you. The impact may still concuss you, but you don't have enough brain cells for that to matter.
Another way to prevent yourself from being crushed by a falling grand piano is to remove any large hanging musical instruments from the vicinity of your house. However, you won't pay us to do that, so we'll recommend not doing it and instead force you to wear a large, stupid-looking helmet.
==Travel Protection Packages==
However many security measures car manufacturers say they put in their vehicles, it is not enough. Even seat belts, airbags, and vigilant driving won't save you from the number-one hazard on the road: unpredictable meterorites coming from outer space. Nearly all cars have insufficient roof armour plating to stop a rogue meteorite from destroying the car, and, by extension, you. 
Our basic CarProtekt package provides thick armour plating capable of withstanding meteorites of sizes up to 500 mm. Now you can drive feeling safe from sudden meteorite stormsPersonal Defense Solutions provides no warranty for destroyed low bridges, neighboring cars, or garages from armour plating. 
The Deluxe package includes an additional fully-operational radar system capable of detecting hostile aircraft at a distance of 100 kilometres and Patriot surface-to-air missiles which will intercept aerial threats to your vehicle, be it a rogue dive-bombing seagull or Sukhoi Su-57 stealth fighter. While the price tag of $3 million may seem expensive at first, customers who recommend Personal Defense solutions to at least 3 friends will receive a $20 discount voucher for the Patriot missile battery. Now you have no excuse not to buy!
==Special Offers==
===Nuclear Defense Plan===
Personal Defense Solutions offers a nuclear defense plan for homeowners who just want burglars to stay away. With a high-purity uranium-235 core, we guarantee that the intruder will contract leukaemia and die a slow and painful death within 30 years. 
Those who buy our premium offer will also have a uranium enrichment facility constructed. With this, you can make just a little for your family and some neighbors (enriched uranium makes such a nice birthday gift!) or create an entire production line and sell the surplus to your neighborhood North Korean spy.
===VX and Novichok: One for the price of two!===
When you have a particularly annoying spouse and marriage counselling won't work, a surprise dose of nerve agent mends the relationship very quickly. Your spouse will realise that settling for one of the children is futile, mainly because they have suffered an unexplainable heart attack after enjoying a meal which you took special care to prepare. 
This week only, you can buy one dose for the price of two, in case you only want to assassinate one person but want to feel like you've killed two.
Category:Advertising