The TV Guide Channel

These days we take for granted the fact that we can tune into any television station we want using satellite or another form of advanced technology- the computerized cable box delivers the information right onto the screen. Well, when we were kids it we had to use what was called "The TV Guide Channel- "a channel that slowly scrolled to tell you what would be coming on within the next one and a half hours using a grid block time schedule. It was highly advanced for the time, and I would often watch it late at night because it was the only thing on television aside from infomercials. The TV Guide channel had functional use, but it could also be used for entertainment. The top half of the screen would scroll slowly, displaying not only advertisements, but the weather, upcoming shows and other fun facts.
It was late at 2 a.m. last night and the only thing on television- for some reason I only had one of those older style remotes in my home, and after flipping through the 80 channels available, it occurred to me that there was pretty much nothing on. Something could be coming on within the next one and a half hours though, so I sat there and diligently watched the slowly scrolling screen show me what was on television. I was waiting until it got to channel 50- that was Nick at Night, my favorite. I often enjoyed the reruns of All in the Family, but I Love Lucy was currently on and let's just say I'm not a fan of that program. Oh good- Who's the Boss was coming on. The TV Guide channel would show the synopsis for films, but not television shows. That meant if you wanted to see what the television show episode was, then you'd have to turn over to that channel to see what episode it was. It was a lot harder back then; you would often encounter repeats because the shows would cycle two or three times in half hour blocks as the Nielsen ratings told the companies what in particular audiences were watching, and companies wanted to repeat the effects.
I turned on Who's the Boss, but it was a very strange episode. The sitcom, starring Tony Danza, usually revolved around Tony's life with the family he lived with, and his "being the boss" was supposed to be a reference to their battle over power in the house. But here Tony Danza just looked sick, powerless and disheveled. He was huffing, and wheezing, and huffing. He turned to the side and it looked like a trickle of blood was pouring down the side of his head. "Who put this tire here?!" He was really angry, and kicked the tire across the living room. That was a good point though... why was a tire there? 
This was a weird episode, so I turned it off. I went over to the TV Guide channel to see what was on next. I decided to see what was on other channels. Maybe a movie would suffice. A commercial for hospital supplies appeared on the top half of the screen: defibrillators, for someone whose heart had stopped. An odd advertisement to say the least... and more strange, the doctor was shown sighing as he used them... what person watching the TV guide channel would need defibrillators? A show called "Broken Glass" was on, so I decided to use my remote to select that program. Strangely enough, it was just a slow zoom of a sidewalk, with police lights in the distance. 
I flipped back to the TV Guide channel, and a commercial for beer was on. "Crack open an Ice Cold Corona..." Someone was shown laughing while guzzling a beer, then a clicking noise, like an engine starting. Then there was a loud blast and the commercial abruptly ended. What on earth was going on? I felt like something was happening on the TV Guide channel, but unlike the remote, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. 
Maybe a movie would sooth my nerves. I'd been living in this house for a few years, I think, but I hadn't had time to watch television. Maybe it was just some new programs I wasn't familiar with. A movie titled "The Car Accident" was on. The synopsis was "A hit and run results in an accident that leaves two people dead and one permanently incapacitated. Detectives try to piece together what happened later on." Odd title for a film, but it sounded interesting. 
I went to the channel, but it was just a black screen. No sound, no music, no picture, nothing. Not even the sound of dead air, not even light. It was as if the TV was turned off when I tuned into this channel, and nothing would bring color to it. It was as though the longer I stared at this television channel, the more it felt that the television channel was staring at me. 
It became harder to press the buttons. A show called "Hands" was on. I never heard of that show before. I went over and started watching, and it was just a bunch of people standing by a bed and touching an unconscious person. The music sounded so familiar. 
I wanted to go back to the TV guide channel, but the hands were becoming more frequent, until all I could see are hands. It almost seemed like they were pressing onto the glass, and on the other side of the glass the resolution was amazing. I don't have an HD Television, so it was very odd to see the quality take a sharp upturn as the hands almost seemed to be breaking through the glass. 
This show was very odd, and it was on E! a channel that showed a lot of experimental programs like this one. I decided to turn it off, even though the hands seemed very inviting. I felt very cold all of a sudden, as though the thermostat had been turned to 60 degrees in my apartment. Outside I didn't see a single light, it was very dark and I didn't feel particularly safe watching the TV Guide channel. I can't really explain why... the selection of programs was just odd. 
Maybe the movie channel, AMC would have a program on. I always liked television, it was one of those things I "just enjoyed." This show was odd though... it was titled "You've Been in a Coma for 20 years, and We're Considering Pulling the Plug. Please Wake Up."
What an odd title for a movie. Very long, and not at all rhythmic. I decided to watch the infomercial channel; I usually avoided it, but there was nothing else on. The commercial was for a breathalyzer test, and the people selling the product were just crying. They tried to speak but only tears came out, to the point where snot started pouring out of their noises and they were a complete and total mess. "If your son..." the woman just kept crying, and crying. I couldn't make sense of any of this. 
There wasn't even a number to call. I decided to go see the ending of who's the boss, as it was 11:54 and I could at least watch the conclusion. Tony Danza, my personal hero, was just shown laying on the floor, blood pouring out of his head. Earlier when we saw him in the house, that was just a dream sequence, I think. He was just lying on the floor, unconscious, the boss of nothing but asphalt. 
I was feeling sick now. Time to go back to the TV Guide channel. I liked when it got to channel 80, it would cycle back around, and the last notification would be a gray block that slowly pushed its way up made me feel like all was right with the world. Another popular show was on..." The Plug." That was on channel 56, but another show called "The Light" was on channel 57. 
Well I had a choice, I could watch "The Plug" or "The Light." That's the great thing about the TV Guide channel... choices. It's like having a map of the television, and you can decide what's right and what's wrong. What's good and what's bad. That's the beauty of the TV Guide channel, and the TV Guide in general. Now that it's gone, I can watch everything, but to tell you the truth, I don't want to watch anything. What good is a television with 400 channels if there is nothing you want to watch?
And while The Plug was one of my favorite television shows, something told me The Light would be a better program to watch this evening. I just heard the sound of crying, sobbing, as I flipped over to watch "The Light." I really appreciate the TV guide channel, for letting me know what is and what isn't, and giving me that choice, the ability to forge my own television viewing path. I can watch this or that, and I know the exact time, what to watch or what not to, when and where. The clock was right there on the screen. 11:10. I decided I was going to watch "The Light." I heard the sound of beeping as I did so. It was just a really bright light, and it shined with iridescent beauty. It was kind of the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Maybe I should watch The Plug. The Light was really good though; in fact, it wasn't anything. It didn't hurt or even feel bad, it was just light. Everything I ever saw or knew was in there, why wouldn't it be? I'm sorry, I mean. I'm leaving. It's so easy to do something wrong in this world. The beeping increased faster as I finally considered changing the channel, but then it stopped completely. Why wouldn't it stop? Why wouldn't anything stop. Nothing stops. That's the thing about television, about the TV channel; Maps. If you want to know where you're going, you must first know where you are. And I know where I am. Goodbye.
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