Quantum Stirwand

Quantum Stirwands™ are pieces of plastic with sparkles in the base whose sole function is to make its producers a killing by cashing in on how stupid most of us humans are. By sticking them into water or another liquid and stirring, they produce... water that's been stirred by a plastic stir stick. Using a McDonald's plastic coffee spoon would be cheaper and would provide the same magic effects as this quantum technology, which are zero since plastic stir sticks cannot perform magic. According to Quantum Age Water, a company founded by David Schneider, these sticks can even turn a cheap bottle of Night Train into a $45 Bordeaux, so the bargain purchase price of €54.62 (ex. VAT) will pay for itself almost immediately. Perversely, Americans have to stump up a staggering $89.95 (USD) for one.Apple could take a lesson from their pricing model. They come in different colours with different purported qualities, though the only real difference is the type of dye used in their production.
==Introduction==
There are 8 different Stirwands™ with different functions:
Model 	Colour 	Claims
Basic or 24/7	Blue Violet	Everyday use and stress relief. This is the wand used in the clinical trials. Powerful, yet designed for use day or night. If getting just one Stirwand™, this is recommended for that reason.
Olympian 	Turquoise 	For optimizing athletic performance. For drinking water, daytime use recommended.
Guardian 	Orange 	For grounding, stabilizing and strengthening. For drinking water, daytime use recommended.
Zen Master 	Purple 	Calming, relaxation, meditation; hence for drinking water, recommended for evening use.
Warm Heart 	Rose 	For opening the heart chakra. For drinking water, daytime use recommended.
Illuminator 	Yellow 	For stimulating mental clarity, focus and inspiration. Many make this their first glass of water in the morning, daytime use recommended.
Gardener 	Amber 	For enhancing the vitality of house & garden plants; ideal for increasing the available oxygen for fish and plant life in your home aquarium and outdoor ponds, fresh or salt water. One per tank or one per 500 gallons in a pond – will keep it crystal clear, barring any imbalance. Also ideal for enhancing the vitality of fresh fruits & vegetables: wash with Gardener stirred water for at least 30 seconds, and/or store with the produce.
Gourmet 	Clear 	For enhancing the flavor of beverages (stir to taste) and food (place in, under or on top of solids for 30 seconds or to taste). Stir soups, yogurt and other soft food for at least one minute. Not recommended for beer, great for inexpensive wines. See Taste Tests in the FAQ & Tips on our web site.
===The [alleged] problem=== 
# We’re 90% water at birth, down to 70% as adults, and dropping. How well hydrated we are affects every bodily process: removal of toxins, electrical energy for brain function, blood oxygen levels, energy-generating cycles, immune system, hormone production, muscle tone, joint flexibility and strength, nutrient absorption, digestion, bone health, nails, skin and more. To achieve even a chance at a healthy life, we need a continuous flow of enough balanced, energized water, or everything gets stagnant. It’s said that 75% of all disease can be traced back to even short term dehydration – from hypertension to strokes to cancer, depression and arthritis."You're not sick; you're thirsty. Don't treat thirst with medication." — Dr. F. Batmanghelidj 
#We absorb less than 10% of the water we drink. Even if you drink enough water every day (half your body weight in ounces), studies of nearly 40,000 people, all drinking this standard amount of water, show 94% are still dehydrated. 
# Our bodies are so toxic they can no longer chemically balance water and then absorb enough of it to provide therapeutic levels of hydration and oxygen. Yet water, restored to the natural chemical balance and energy it had years ago before we polluted and depleted it, has the ability to not only keep us alive but healthy and capable of optimal performance. 
#Nobel science in 2003 proved how our cells hydrate – they absorb single water molecules at a time only through aquaporin channels in the cells. We now know and have proven that it’s not the source or cost of water, nor the pH level or clusters that count in hydration and oxygenation – it’s the chemical balance and stability of water when you drink it. 
The solution, the one that’s backed by human clinical trials: 
It’s a simple fountain-pen sized wonder, called the Stirwand™. Stirred in your water for 20 seconds before you drink it, the Stirwand™ is clinically proven to naturally, without adding anything artificial, quickly restores virtually any clean, potable water to near perfect balance and stability. 
Stirred water: 
Delivers therapeutic levels of hydration and oxygen to your cells via single water molecules 
Increases hydration immediately, 28.5% (within 30 days)
Increases blood oxygen immediately, 10.25% (within 14 days)
Decreases cellular toxins, 18.2% (within 90 days – we’re THAT toxic)
Remains stable for 48 hours in an opened container, 95% stable for months if sealed
===The [claimed] benefits===
What many experience with “Stirred” water: 
*More energy 
*Better sleep
*Increased mental acuity 
*Increased blood oxygen levels 
*Greater nutrient absorption 
*Vastly improved immune system 
*Relief from headaches, joint pain and more 
*Reduced cellular toxins 
*Enhanced athletic performance 
*Younger looking skin, healthier hair and nails 
*Smoother, better tasting water, making drinking it a priority, not a chore or challenge 
*Aid in weight-loss without water retention/bloating 
In addition to the hydration, oxygenation and detoxification benefits of all the Stirwands™, you’ll enjoy a variety of energy enhancements, from relaxation to enhanced athletic performance, with each of the 8 Stirwand™ types shown in the selector box below.
==Clinical trials==
Quantum Age Water claims to have conducted clinical trials with results from 3 studies presented on its website.Quantum Age Water: Human Clinical Trial Documents Unfortunately these trials are attributed to Fenestra Research which has developed a track record in helping to market "alternative" health products (we would just call them woo).
==Woo! Woo!==
Find audios here.
==External links==
*http://www.stirwandsdirect.com or http://www.quantumagewater.info
*European sales site
*Interview with David Schneider
==References==
Category:Pseudoscience
category:New Age
Category:Water woo
Category:Quantum woo
Category:Articles needing RWification