Lucina's Curse

I've always been a big fan of the Fire Emblem series. Specifically, the 13th game in the series, Fire Emblem- Awakening. The game is filled with extraordinary, amazing and unforgettable characters, settings, music, waifus, and a plot that can send chills down even the most flaccid of peoples' spines. Even though the game is so good, and one of my favorite games on the 3DS, there's one thing about the game that I will never forget: The main character (No Chrom go away) Lucina.
Lucina has always been one of my favorite characters in all of gaming even since she was announced for Smash Bros. I don't care if she's the Emma Watson of the Fire Emblem universe, she's still amazing. I love her so much, I even went out of my way to buy her amiibo in preparation for Fire Emblem- Fates that would be coming out soon. I bring it EVERYWHERE that I go; to my friend's house, to my school, in my bed (ESPECIALLY in my bed) and I even bought the Lucina figma online, which I'm certain won't be relevant to this story.
Anyway, onto the foreskin of this tale.
One day, I was sitting in my bedroom, bored out of my witts, when suddenly, I came to a horrifying realization; it's been one day since I played Fire Emblem- Awakening, which, considering how good the game is, felt like centuries. I decided to pop it back into my New Nintendo 3DS XL© and play it, thinking that the game would be exactly the same as I remembered it.
The intro played. I felt an amazing sense of nostalgia pass through my body like a river. It feels like it was just yesterday when I last saw this amazing cinematic. (Probably because it was.) Although, for some reason, the characters were alot more metallic looking and the details on their bodies were alot more noticable, especially when it showed Lucin- ERR, MARTH, running into the portal. You could practically see the greasy freckles on her nose. I didn't mind this all that much, since it gave me a much better view of her tight booty. But what I DID mind, however, was what happened afterwards.
Normally after this part in the intro, it shows Lumartha and Chrom swinging their swords around aimlessly like the geeks that they are, but instead, it showed Marthcina running through several other worlds. Eventually, I heard the sound of someone in my bathroom, using my toilet. I peeked in and saw Lucinarth using my bathroom.
"Can't a lady get some privacy?" she said to me, just before jumping back into the portal. I probably should've told her that she had a piece of toilet paper stuck to her foot, but I knew it wasn't gonna become plot-relevant, so I didn't bother.
The rest of the intro played out as normal, but it was abruptly cut off when it showed Chrom, Larthina and my avatar standing before Grima, almost as if the game was trying to hide something from me. The title screen finally popped up and that glorious orchestral score played. As happy as I was to finally be playing the game after those dreaded 24 hours of my meaningless, insignificant existence, I couldn't shake the feeling that something MAY be wrong with my copy of Fire Emblem- Awakening, but I couldn't exactly put my finger on what it was.
I started up the game, selected my save file, stroked my Lucina amiibo's chest, and began playing the game. I was brought to the map screen as normal, but what I noticed was that there was a red merchant icon on the map. I found this to be kinda weird, because usually red character icons indicate that that partically character is an enemy. Regardless, I went to the merchant to see what she had to sell. Oddly, she had only one item for sale: A bottle of red juice that cost exactly 3755269 gold. Coincidentally, that was the exact amount of gold that I had. (I had way too much time on my hands.) It seemed like a rip-off, but the item description said that if I used it on one of my units, it would maximize all of their stats. I haven't heard of this item at all, and as far as I'm aware, no item like that exists witin the game's files, so the logical move on my part was to buy it. I was flat broke and about to get one of my units hammered to the extreme. I couldn't be in a better position if I was taking yoga class.
Of course, I gave the bottle to Lucina. Afterwards, all of her stats shot up to 99, including resistance, which is normally the bitchiest stat to increase on any of my characters. I was so happy that she was now even stronger than before, I threw her into the next battle all by herself. She was doing over 100+ damage to every Risen that tried to glomp her, I was in awe to the point of expelling drool.
The battle was over within one turn, because for some reason the map was filled with Wyvern Riders that could reach her really quickly. Strangely, I was brought back to the map screen without even getting a chance to save the game. I looked through my roster and noticed that Lucina was missing. I assumed that she was just having an existential crisis and moved on to the next battle. For this next one, I used Olivia, who was pretty much useless as an attacking unit due to her low strength as a Dancer. For some reason, however, she managed to survive the battle without using any of the Elixirs that I equipped her with. I suppose I should've been happy, given the fact that I wouldn't have to watch her death animation for the 37 millionth time, but for some reason, I had this looming feeling of dread, almost as if a predictable jumpscare was com-
Suddenly, Lucina dashed on screen and immediately killed Olivia. No, really. She's dead. I even had to watch that freaking death animation again. Olivia didn't say anything, nor was there any sad music playing, when she died, and the screen suddenly cut to black.
...Oh wait, I just turned off my New Nintendo 3DS XL© by accident. Crap.
I rebooted the game and found out that Olivia was no longer in my roster, but instead, a picture of a .jpg skull, covered in hyper-realistic blood, covering her character icon. (Don't ask how pixels can be hyper-realistic.) I was weirded out by whatever the heck just happened. Why would anyone turn the most waifuable character into a pixelated, hard-to-photoshop skull, let alone Lucina? I realized that this was gonna become a trend, so I did the most logical thing in this particular quandary:
I continued playing.
As expected, Lucina continously slaughtered each and every character at my disposal, splashing their blood across the ground like a monkey throwing feces. This continued on for about 2 hours, and at this point, I finally realized that something was wrong with my game. No. Something was wrong with Lucina. This was evident when she yanked off Vaike's she-long and chewed it up like bubblegum. Lucina would NEVER eat such food. Whoever was doing this had complete control over her body.
Demons have all the fun...
2 MORE hours passed, and Lucina was still plowing through my characters like a bowling ball. It was honestly starting to get boring, and my screen was getting really dirty from all the blood getting splashed onto it. The only thing mildly amusing about this whole thing was the multitudinous ways that Lucina went about killing each and every one of these nerds. She smashed their heads with hammers, threw them into lakes, decaptiated them and used their heads like piñatas, squashing them while riding a space hopper, you name it, and Lucina has used it to kill one of these guys.
Then I had a sudden thought which became a brilliant idea. For the next battle, I sent Gangrel out on his own, hoping to see him get killed by Lucina. He's a dick, anyway.
However, before the stage even began, a pop-up saying "Stage complete" was shown, and Gangrel was dead. The game didn't even give him a special execution.
Even the satanic spirit thinks he's an asshole.
At this point, only one of my units was left; my avatar, who was female, BTW. I sent her into the next and final battle, knowing that once she gets killed, it'll be game over for good. Strangely enough, there was only one Risen on the map. It was an Entombed, an enemy known to give a massive amount of experience and... not much else. They pretty much suck in terms of combat. I moved my avatar towards the Entombed and attempted to engage it.
But I had no money for a wedding ring, so I just decided to fight it.
Strangely, the Entombed's battle stats all read "-" as if it wasn't able to attack at all. Not that it would even have the chance to, anyway, seeing as my avatar one-shotted him with a close-range Thoron trickshot. Suddenly, though, the Entombed stood back up and lunged at my avatar! The gross goo melted off of it's body, revealing that I was actually Lucina all along! No wonder she couldn't do anything, Lords can't use Claw items. It was all just a ruse to make me feel the false satisfaction of winning, just so she could take it away from me at the last moment so that I could truly experience the shockwave of betrayal and sorrow.
She layed my avatar down on her lap and began to spank her. The background turned a hyper-realistic blood-red color and seemed to have grown even darker after each individual spank. The moaning of several hundred aroused spirits bellowed through the air, and within a full minute of watching this, the screen faded to white.
I didn't know why, but I felt like that was a metaphor for something.
After another minute, my avatar woke up in a strange dungeon. She looked out the window to discover that she was being held prisoner inside a castle.
On a volcano.
In the arctic.
I moved my avatar throughout the castle, desperately trying to escape from the demon that inevitably must live here. There were pictures of all the characters that had been brutally murdered at Lucina's hands lining the walls of the hallway. Their eyes were crossed out and their mouths were foaming with blood. Yep, this was Lucina's castle all right, but why build it on a volcano in the arctic? Again, I assumed that it was a metaphor and led my avatar out of the castle. Suddenly, a familiar figure jumped out of a bush and stabbed my avatar in the left breast. Gangrel! You greasy bastard!
"Gahaha! Did you really think I would let Lucina of all people kill me????" He said, evidentally emphasizing his question marks. My avatar was critically wounded and couldn't do much to fight back. A battle sequence suddenly broke out. Gangrel pulled out a red Levin Sword. His attack strength was 100, his hit rate was 100, and his critical hit rate was 100. "This is SO fair!" I thought to myself. He was about to bring the thunder, in a literal sense. There was nothing I could do but let my avatar die.
Suddenly, a steamroller fell from the sky and landed on Gangrel, crushing him into pathetic little hyper-realistic chunks of meat. Lucina climbed down from the steamroller and approached my avatar savagely. She looked hungry. My avatar looked firmly at Lucina and pleaded for her to stop all this killing nonsense.
"Lucina! Please stop all this killing nonsense!" my avatar said.
"I can't, this is a gaming creepypasta." Lucina said in return.
My avatar then proceeded to say a series of heartwarming things that I'm not going to write down because of how boring they all were. Lucina smiled at my avatar and began to remember all of her friends that she brutally killed. The dark energy surrounding her began to disappear. It seems like everything was gonna go back to normal.
But out of nowhere, the merchant from the beginning of the story darted on screen and grabbed Lucina, and then the screen cut to black. And this time, I DIDN'T accidentally turn off my New Nintendo 3DS XL©.
The screen faded back in, showing a place that highly resembled the orignal Donkey Kong arcade game. The merchant was standing on top of the scaffolding of platforms, along with Lucina, who had been tied up with red rope. I wasn't too concerned with saving her, to be honest. I was just thinking about how many views I'd get if I posted a screenshot of that on DeviantArt.
My avatar climbed up the platforms, jumping over each and every barrel (Which, by the way, were leaking blood) that the merchant threw. Eventually, she reached the top of the platforms. The merchant jumped in front of her and blocked her from reaching Lucina.
"Why are you doing this, Anna!?" my avatar screamed at the merchant who now suddenly has a name.
The merchant smirks at my avatar and reached for her face. She began to tug on it, as if it was a... mask?
"You thought I was Anna..." the merchant said, before finally taking off her mask and revealing her true form.
"But it was ME! DIO!"
Of course. Dio Brando. One of the main antagonists of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. It all made sense now. The steamroller, the vampire fangs on Lucina, the blood-colored elixir... It became clear to me that all these trials were leading up to this pinnacle moment in Fire Emblem history. Dio summoned The World and began to mercilessly pummel my avatar. Then, Dio began charging up a hadouken and launched it straight at the screen, and, with the power of awful story-telling, it struck me straight in the face, knocking me out.
I found myself in a dark void. There wasn't even a floor or any indication of intelligent life. Suddenly, the darkness vanished and I found myself floating in what appeared to be Heaven. I saw a towering figure stand before me, wearing large red armor and whipping his majestic white locks left and right.
It was Walhart, who had finally transended to godhood, just as Efrain Rodriguez predicted.
He looked down upon me, with evident disgust, probably because I wrote this story in the first place. I pleaded to him.
"Please, Walhart, help me rescue my top-tier Smash waifu from Dio Brando!"
"I cannot interfere." he said. "Only you have the power to change fate. You must learn to appreciate the little things that happen in your journey before attempting to take on your greatest challenges."
I had no idea what he was talking about... And then, I realized.
"Walhart, I have a plan. Bring me back to reality."
"Very well." he said. "I shall use my Outrealm Juice and bring you back home."
He showered an unknown substance on me and I woke up back in my room. My body felt wet for some reason.
I grabbed my New Nintendo 3DS XL© and saw my avatar still getting pummeled by The World, but this time, I knew what to do. I screamed into my New Nintendo 3DS XL©'s speakers. Lucina seemed to have understood me perfectly, and as such, she reached down and pulled the piece of toilet paper off of her foot. The same piece of toilet paper that was stuck to her foot at the beginning of the story. She crumpled it up into a ball and chucked it at Dio. Dio attempted to smack it away with his bad leg, but as soon as the toilet paper connected with his kneecap, he exploded into confetti.
Oh. And blood.
My avatar untied Lucina and then the screen cut to black. I was brought back to the title screen abruptly. I checked my save file only to discover that it had been deleted. That really sucked, because I finally had enough money for the Hot-Spring Scramble DLC and I didn't want to start a new playthrough just to be able to see Lucina in that kimono. Other than that, the game was completely back to the way it was.
Also, I TOLD YOU that the Lucina figma wasn't gonna be relevant to this story.
Category:Vidya games
Category:Hyper-realistic
Category:Potty Humor
Category:Satire
Category:Trollpasta