The Pooping Man

Our poop has lost its way, and those who knew it better than I did, the ones that had survived the storm and the floods which came later, still believe there is something more.
Over four decades ago, I spent time in the jungles of Southeast America, where I spent a few months working as a private mercenary. Working for mercenary companies has become a favorite pastime for some of us.
My experience there was unique and in some respects it opened my eyes to the human poop. The human poop is unique because it perceives the poop around us through the lens of what seems like one entity, an unconscious human poop.
While it may seem intuitive to others that "poo" is separate from "doodoo," the poop of the observer. Our poops perceive not only what we are thinking about but the poop around us. Our poop perceives we ourselves, constantly living events, and the poop around us.
‬In my early teens I would go hiking, camping, and swimming, and see things that I had not previously heard or even observed. I also experienced the occasional paranormal event — from strange lights, to an unusual glow in the sky, or a mysterious smell from somewhere. Poo. I also knew someone in my neighborhood and we would make trips out to investigate.
Sometimes we had a good laugh with it, but there were plenty of occasions where I was certain we were being followed or shit-talked. Some days, I went out alone on one of my hikes and was surprised when another group of teens would approach me and, despite the fact that I am not a member of the paranormal community, I became scared and ran away to shit elsewhere. I knew that someone was following me but I didn't know who or what it was.
But over the past few years, the road of the skeptic has grown less cloudy; but the same unending mirage remains—an ever-widening and unceasing haze which, for some, may never end. It may never "go."
I started to look back to my history as a skeptic.
I was skeptical because I feared that I would discover nothing. I doubted the existence of any paranormal experience related to the Pooping Man because I knew the experience would have been obvious to almost everyone and I doubted the existence of any paranormal experience because I knew that I would find it. 99% of people with functioning brains will have given up reading at this point. The other 1% have no lives.
I believed that the poop had evolved.
There were two witnesses, both of whom happened to be working security at the time. They both watched this faeces-covered man go by the building where we were waiting in line, at which point he ran to the entrance with his hands up like he had just committed a felony.
He was in the lobby, with the doors locked, when they were asked to take him to the office. When the receptionist asked him why he was in there, the man said that he had been raped with a turd.
He had been standing there in the lobby for a moment, as though he wanted to talk, when the door to his own apartment opened up and the two witnesses rushed in, a woman in a red dress and the man in a navy shirt. He didn't see the women standing right outside, but they were close enough to see his face through the glass door.
They heard the man say, "I was told to leave by the police." When the woman asked him about what this meant, he told her what no one else had explained to him previously. He was not the Pooping Man, but a normal human being.
The case of the Pooping Man, the pooping man whose poo evolved. A story of a young woman who lived an eternity without ever reaching the age of manhood. A tale of men and women who tried so hard to be the best version of one another, but fell short of perfection.
A tale of a brave young woman whose life is changed forever when, by chance, she meets a stranger who offers her an opportunity to become a doodoo peepee woman. A story we will never forget. The case of a scientist who tries to prove his theory, but soon discovers he is wrong. A man and a woman whose lives are changed by their crap, and whose love is shared by many thousands.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Potty Humor
Category:Title that makes babbies laugh
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep