A Day in the Life of a Creepypasta Writer

I was an intern at Nickelodeon studios.
Note the word "was".
As it turns out, arriving to work drunker than a skunk is a big no-no in the corporate rules.
However, even though I attempted to fuck a printer in my drunken madness, they rehired me as a assistant janitor, thus I was allowed to have access to the building.
About a year after my little incident with the printer, the studio went digital, so they were getting rid of all the tapes they had left over from old series. I stole some videos from the trashcan. Many tapes had no title written on them, some did, and the ones that did has some weird titles to them. I got a copy of "Hope is lost" and "Squidward's Suicide" and a unaired episode of Jimmy Neutron titled: "Jimmy Neutron Happy Family Happy Hour".
After acquiring these tapes, I went to my apartment, where the door closed by itself. Sp00ky.
It was late when I got to my apartment, so I took a shower and went to bed.
Such tension, such wow.
While I was sleeping, I woke up to see a clown with wide lips standing over me holding a knife.
"Go to sleep." he said.
"Fine let me take a piss first" I said.
I started to make my way to the bathroom. When I entered the room, a guy was preparing a ice bath and a holding some fishing string. He appeared to have no eyes. The clown entered the room and bellowed "JACK, YOU NEED A BETTER WAY TO PAY FOR YOU MEDICAL DEGREE THAN SELLING STOLEN KIDNEYS!"
Jack turned and yelled back "Fuck you Jeff! You cree-"
"I AIN'T A CREEP!"
"YOU SURE ACT LIKE ONE!"
I had enough. I left the room and tried to go to sleep.
No dice, the angry couple started throwing things. I heard my mirror shatter, my toothbrush being thrown into the toilet, and repeated tearing of my towels (I guess they were trying to strangle each other with them).
I wonder why my neighbors didn't hear this.
Knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep, I walked over to my closet so I can get dressed. I turned the knob AND A SKELETON POPPED OUT.
I need to put that anatomy skeleton in a U-Store-It. I bought it at a garage sale for 6 bucks.
Oddly, skeletons were the only thing they sold at the sale.
I got dressed, put on my shoes and got ready for work.
Then I remembered that it was Saturday.
I don't work Saturdays.
"Fuck" I said.
The brawl in the bathroom quieted down, so I went to see what happened to the contestants. I opened the door, and looked inside. I pulled my shopping list out of my pocket and wrote:
After preparing my half-assed undertaking job. I closed the door and put in "Squidward's Suicide". Wasn't really interesting; Squidward fucks up a concert and later commits suicide. I could make better with google images of Spongebob, MS Paint, and MS moviemaker.
After watching the tape, I got another video out. I suddenly felt hungry so I walked over to my fridge and opened the door.
EVERYTHING WAS COVERED IN A RED LIQUID.
"SHIT, MY KOOLAID!" I screamed.
Since all my leftovers were now punch-flavored, I decided to make some eggs. As I got my pan ready, I saw a piece of crumpled paper laying between the stove and the counter.
I pulled it out.
It was a map of River Country; a Disney park that got something in it's water. Saw a video of a schmuck who accidentally drank some of that water back in '11. The guy turned into a Freddy Krueger lookalike before dissolving into a puddle like the hobo on the toilet in "Street Trash". I had no use for the map, so I just threw it in the trash.
After eating my breakfast, I watched the Jimmy Neutron special.
It was better than the Suicide vid; Jimmy bonds with his dad after his dad murdered his mom. His dad is then promptly decapitated by a aggressive pizza.
It's better than it sounds.
As soon as the video ended, I heard a knock on the door. There was a large green man standing at my front door. He smelt of onions.
"Do you want to become a brogre, laddeh?" he asked.
"Is that a scientology thing?" I asked.
"No."
"Goodbye"
I shut the door in his face.
I started up the next video.
The green man smashed through my window, whipped out a 12-foot dick, and promptly sprayed my couch with green cum. It smelt like onions. I looked at the man and said "I'm gonna sue your ass and your cult and your-".
He slaps me across the face
He hypnotizes me to bend over.
He whispers "Shrek is love, Shrek is life"
I say "Shrek is Drek"
Drek flies through my other window
The ogrelord charges his nemesis
The ogres fly out the window to begin the battle of the century.
Drek is love
Drek is life
...
I quickly cover my broken windows with cardboard. I pull out my list:
I opened my closet, SKELETON POPPED OUT, and grabbed a folding chair. I begin to watch "Hope is Lost"
"Hope is Lost" is fucking terrible.
I spend the next 4 hours watching NSFW lost episodes. Some good, some bad, all just plain weird. I got tired of watching crazy shit, and I went to Taco Bell for some lunch. When I got there, the workers seemed to be working on something, and there was a strange smell emitting from the bathroom. It smelled like a mix of blood, semen, and diarrhea. A employee walked out of the bathroom holding a baseball cap with a pine tree illustration and a pink sweater. Both had smears of red, brown, and whitish goo.
Must of been one crazy-ass party.
There was a discount on all the tacos, so I bought two Frito Burritos. The meat had a strange taste, I guess they tried a new seasoning.
The Taco Bell had a television mounted on a wall. The TV was tuned to a News Station broadcasting the trending news.
According to the news, Shrek and Drek have been fighting for hours. Thousands of homes and businesses have been leveled by the exchanges of fists of the Ogre titans. Brogres and Drogres have been in a fierce firefight in the ruins of the buildings.
This was taking place in the next city over.
This was all being broadcast by FOX news, so I took this with more than a grain of salt.
I tried to escape from crazy shit on television only to be exposed to a bigger amount of crazy shit on television.
Since I was in town, I bought everything I needed for the undertaking of the results of the earlier clash of the titans. I drove the moving van to a nearby U-Store-It and rented a space to keep Mr. SKELETON.
While I was there, I saw that there was a flea market at some of the Storage Units.
I bought a copy of Majora's Mask.
Y'know, like all flea markets have that game.
A radio broadcast came on saying that the Clash of the Ogres started to near the city and everyone should go home and kiss their asses goodbye.
The guy who sold me the game started to yell to some guy named Ben, but I paid him no heed. I arrived at my apartment and got out my N64. I put in the game and the TV said "You met a terrible fate haven't you?"
I turned off the game. The bastard sold me a shitty ROM hack!
I turned the TV to the news. According to FOX news, Evil PATRIXXX convinced Shrek and Drek to sign a truce. The truce stated that if a one of the ogres should come across the other during a brogre enlistment, they should contact EVIL PATRIXXX so they can reach a agreement to prevent another catastrophe. Their latest showdown cost thousands of lives, hundreds of homes, and millions of taxpayers' money. The city had to commission mass burials for the dead. At least they didn't destroy my apartment.
Another thing came on talking about the disappearance of two kids at a Taco Bell. They showed pictures of a kid with a baseball cap with a pine tree illustration on it. They also showed a picture of his sister; in many of them she wears a pink sweater. I thought about calling the missing children hotline to tell them that the missing kids were killing each other in the bathroom of the restaurant, but I'm sure that the Taco Bell employees were aware of that and told this to the investigators.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:Loads of Characters
Category:Well, that was anticlimactic.
Category:Memes
Category:Pages with grammar that doesn't suck