There's a weird slot in my neighbors door where things go in, and never come out

It was a thursday, the thursday of my life. For I found a rat, a very nice rat, who I put in a neat little shoe box that was sealed with packing tape. He was lonely and felt out of place so I shook it around a bit and tucked it under the bed. But anyways, I couldn't help but notice that morning that a strange van, painted all different colors, three to be exact, pulled up to my neighbors house, and a man got out of it with a thing. He slipped the thing into the door's crevice. It was more of a slot than a crevice, and the slot took the thing and made it disappear. How strange, and noteworthy. I continued to do my surveillance of the house in question. Weeks passed by, and everyday the van would pull up, around the same time, and insert a thing into the slot. My preliminary investigation proved futile, however, for my neighbors trash answered none of my questions. Even after sifting through their garbage with a sieve, and carefully organizing it in a group of concentric circles on the sidewalk, I could find no answers. Mysteriously, my neighbor put a note on the trash cans, it read :"please do not go through our trash whoever you are, we work all day and do not like cleaning this up". How curious, I pondered. It seemed like they were trying to hide something, so my investigation grew more vigorous with each turning of the sun. One day, the van brought a thing much too thick for the slot, and it was subsequently left on the porch. When my neighbors left that day, I knew just what to do.
I stole the thing, a squarish brown box with a nametag. Canada it read. How interesting. Even more interesting than that, it had my neighbors address. Someone was clearly collecting information on them ,and even knew their address. I promptly took the object home and tore into it, carefully cutting all the way around the cube until it was two halves. It was filled with little vials of something called insulation. little tiny glass things with a rubber top. A clear liquid was inside. How insidious. What if my neighbors ate this? Did they know what they were getting into? Certainly not. So I prepared for the coming monday. I approached the house, and through the slot, carefully unlocked the dead bolt. It was hard because I had to use a yardstick through the slot to push the knob, while putting pressure on the door. Their house wasnt so really nice, it was disgusting. and after clearing out their leftovers, I began my mission. I waited for the van to come by, and as soon as the man started putting the thing in the slot, I barked savagely.
Bubbly saliva dripped from my fangs, and the froth got everywhere. Sure enoguh I heard the man say "what the fuck" and peel off. I forgot the door had a large piece of glass, and the man clearly saw me. I would deal with that later. I went through all of the necessary steps to a serious investigation of this nature. After smelling all of their clothes, I found the glass vials. Only there was an elderly woman asleep in a bed that could tilt. How decadent. How depraved, for there were tubes running into her arms that ran from a clear bag. I could not control my overwhelming sadness, and cried, cried, cried into her bosom. Who could do this? I dumped out the bag, and then collected all of the vials and smashed them. Before leaving, I kissed the poor old woman on the forehead and put her in clean clothes. I found a nice jacket in the attic that would keep her entire body warm. it had belts on it that would keep her from flailing around in her sleep, that strapped around her arms. There was a mask too, to keep her face warm and keep her from waking up from talking in her sleep.
I cried, cried, cried as I walked out of that god forsaken house. Now I knew what the things were that came through the slot in the door, and I had to find that evil man from canada sending insulation. I found the man in the van, the culprit, down the block. While he was walking around doing god knows what, I destroyed his power steering pump. Then I hid in the back of the van. As soon as he started driving away I barked ferociously at him again. He impulsively peeled off, but due to lack of control, crashed into a very nice car in front of him. I ran out of the back of the van and hid in an alleyway. This should get him, I thought. After this I went back home to call the cops. "Yes, officer, this man broke into a house, I watched him. I could hear him beating up an old woman. No I am just an insurance salesman, I saw it happen though. Send a squad asap, please. YEs, I know, I know, you're welcome."
Soon the police showed up, and after an hour, came out of the house with someone in a body bag. How devious. I knew my neighbors were poisoning this woman. How bizzare, I pondered. And the best thing, the man in the van approached the house trying to tell them what he knew about me. The cops promptly tackled him to the ground and put him in handcuffs. They neighbors came home soon after this and cried, cried, cried. And I cried, cried, cried too. I cried so hard that my slobber got all over my rat box, who was crying too. I never saw my neighbors again.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the day I saved a woman's life.
Category:Trollpasta
Category:Satire
Category:English Class Failure
Category:LONG ASS TITLE
Category:Originally on r/shittynosleep