The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.Canada doesn't have any alert levels.New Zealand has raised its security levels - from “baaa” to “BAAAA”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend” and “The Barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. (c)