GROWING UP “JEWISH russian speaking” in AMERICA"Having so much food on the table at every single party your parents’ host that can last for weeks when the party ends.Your mom tells you to eat something she just made and you say "mama, i'm not hungry," and she replies "a shto?! nada bit golodnim shtob eta pokushat?!"The main sport every russian kid has had to play once in their life: tennis, soccer, and durаk, if u don’t know how to play durak, u should be disinherited.When you get sunburned your grandparents tell you to put smetana on itAt one point in your life, you had a carpet hanging on your wall.You can't go to a friend's house" s “pustymi rukami" - you should bring a torktik.Your mom will tell you to lose weight, and 5 minutes later ask you why you are not eating her piroshki.Your parents insist on wearing a hat in the winter, because “golova ne zopa”.You try to get your mother's attention several times by repeatedly saying 'mama..' and she replies "NE MAMKAY MNE!"When you tell your mother about something you read or did on the internet, and she responds with, "OH ti duraka valayish instead of looking for colleges?!""Gavno na palachky" is worse than just plain "gavno"There is no right time to eat anything cold. You either are sick, were just sick, or will get sick.There are only 3 types of anti-septic your grandparents trust and use: zelyonka, iod and marganzovka. So you have variety of choices to be green, orange or purple."Holodets" is also known as "Jellied minced meat cooked with eggs and pig feet." Try getting any of your American friends to try that one.Trying to explain to your American friends what "iolki palki", "obaldet" or "pizdets" meansEvery guy you date/dated your father calls "chistiy dibil"Your mom insists that you clean your room before the cleaning lady comes "shtobi nye bilo stidno"Your relatives and family friends tell you: "you know, when your mother was your age she already had a husband and a kid to take care off..."When you come home from school or work you must change into your "domashniya" clothes.You spent elementary and middle school wanting PB&J and Fruit Rollups for lunch instead of your meatball wrapped in rye. Now you sit in your college dorm pining for kotleti.Every single event in your life is somehow indicative of whether or not you will get married"A chto k chau?"When you invite a friend to your house, and your mother begins feeding him/her, you know she approves. Likewise, if no food is offered, you know not to bring them backWhen you don't need a fake because your parents buy you alcohol, no questions asked. This makes your friends insanely jealous.Mama always texts you the weirdest things and ne dai bog shto ti shto to ne to napisala, she will call you to find out what it meantPhone call from grandma: "Ya po televizoru videla chto po internet peredaut virusy, ne vkoem sluchae ne pol'zuysya internetom"You make some tea before going to sleep and mama or papa always say to you, "A patom nochu ne spish”When you complain to your parents about a bee sting or a mosquito bite and they respond with "potomu chto ti sladkaya"When your parents force feed your american friends even though they said they're full...Vse harosho?? Slavu bogu. Tsfu tsfu tsfu cheres levoya plecho!!Everyone has to sitdown before leaving for a trip.When your father's broken English, asks for the "Hostage" instead of the "Hostess" at the restaurant.When a black cat crosses the road and your mom immediately stops the car and refuses to go until somebody else passes her.Your mom will never throw away old garments because they make good "tryapki""Ne svisti doma, deneg ne budit!" If you could only explain to your american friends the connection between whistling and wealth.Your mother's road rage includes calling other drivers "kazyol"The only "tupperware" in your house is old smetana containers.When you eat too many sweets, mom goes : A popa ne slipnitsa?Your American friends don't understand "s lohkim parom"Everytime you compliment someone or say something positive, you might jinx them, so you always have to spit three times "ptu ptu ptu SHTOB NE ZGLAZAT!"Your parents always make you wear "tapachkee" inside the house. And all of your friends.When you don't finish your babushka's seven course meal including salads, potatoes, fish, meat, soup, more meat, and finally desert, it means you don't love her.You don't understand why everyone doesn't sleep with a puhovoye odeyala, even in the summer.You have to sleep with no underwear "shtobi peeska dishala"Explaining to your American friends that your family is neither yelling or fighting just talking to each otherAt the end of the day you have to tell your mother every detail of what you did, including how many times you went to the bathroomWhen you see a middle-aged aunt or female relative, after not having seen them for a long period of time, and the first thing out of her mouth is "oh ti tak popravilas!" or "oh ti tak pohudela!"Your mom does laps around the house on the phone repeating the phrase line "nu shto tebye skazat.."You are cry-laughing reading all these problems because they are SOO TRUE….!"