Episode 8/Transcription

Kevin: This podcast has been recorded in front of a live kitchen beagle.
Ursula: Hello out there in Internet land! We are back yet again, having sort of recovered from our mac and cheese extravaganza --
Kevin: I think "survived" might be the right term. You're listening to Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap, we eat it so you don't have to, and this week we got some contenders, let me tell ya right now. 
Ursula: Actually, survival is probably a good place to start, because a alert listener --
Kevin: Hahaaaha!
Ursula: -- or perhaps a merely a malicious one, has sent us a box of MREs.
Kevin: Yes --
Ursula: And a block of SOS Survival Food.
Kevin: Coast Guard rated, no less, one brick per meal per day or something like that --
Ursula: Yeah, one brick per serving per -- I don't know what it is, but I'm a little scared of it, it's wrapped in foil, there is no way to tell what's inside --
Kevin: And once it's opened it's opened, there's no un-opening it. The MREs were fascinating, we'll try to get through those -- not in one sitting, thank you very much -- today we will look at Escalloped Potatoes with Ham that has been thermostabilized, I might add, and in more traditional foods that you can get in your local grocery store --
Ursula: Where the hell do you even get MREs? Where do they find these?
Kevin: Okay, you get these at Army-Navy Surplus stores, you get them actually some camping supply stores will carry them, if you have friends in the military who don't mind missing a meal or are like "oh god if I have to eat another one of these I will die" --
Ursula: *laughs*
Kevin: -- they will ship them to you --
Ursula: And I have no idea what to do with this, it's a little brown flat pack with the words printed in a large sans-serif font, "Escalloped Potatoes with Ham (Thermostabilized)".
Kevin: Usually there are instructions on the box or the packet, so if -- the general thing is, though, you heat and you eat, and inside is a brown package with no further...
Ursula: Instructions.
Kevin: ...instructions. So I'm going to go with the guess that you apply heat and you eat, it is not a self-heating packet.
Ursula: Are we sure?
Kevin: I'm very sure. In all of the MREs I have eaten --
Ursula: The fact you've eaten MREs in your life, not having a military background, is kind of puzzling, but --
Kevin: You know, for a fourteen-hour roadtrip, an MRE is actually an amazing thing, because it is a complete self-contained meal, sometimes a couple of self-contained meals, in a single baggie; all you have to do with something like this foil packet I have in my hand is put it on your engine block, preferably between say your carburetor and your engine -- if you happen to have one of the newer models that doesn't have a carburetor to shove things under, you find a place where it's not going to get rubbed or damaged -- and you just let it heat up. You pull it out, you wipe off the grease, and you're done, it's great for roadtrips. I once took a -- me and some friends took a fourteen, sixteen-hour trip, it was straight shot, to Boston. We left at midnight and we got there, I guess it was twelve, 'cause we got there around noon the following day. And we had nothing but a case of MREs we picked up at the Army Navy place, and we just stopped -- we were hungry, it's four in the morning, all right, throw another one on the -- on the brick. The only thing we couldn't do was hot water, so the coffee and --
Ursula: You keep... you keep squeezing the food. Are you -- are you damaging the food, or has that food already been as damaged as --
Kevin: This food has been as damaged as is possible, the best thing to do with it is to -- you know, basically either drop this packet in hot water to warm it up, or to just apply heat straight to it. You cannot microwave it, because it is a foil package, although it is meant to be eaten in any number of ways -- we could safely eat it cold if we wanted to.
Ursula: All right, well, you're -- since we don't really want to take a roadtrip with the whole internet along --
Kevin: I can put it on my carburetor! I can go start the car. It'll take about an hour for the car and everything to warm --
Ursula: Ehhhhh...
Kevin: -- but no?
Ursula: No.
Kevin: No?
Ursula: No.
Kevin: Okay. Should I just ooze it into a bowl? I mean --
Ursula: Oh, that sounds appetizing, doesn't it?
Kevin: Well, what you've gotta remember is this is the stuff -- in a lot of ways, this is the stuff that our friends, our neighbors, the people we know who are in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, okay, probably not Iran --
Ursula: We're not in Iran.
Kevin: Well, as far as we know we're not in Iran --
Ursula: I like to think the CIA eats better.
Kevin: The CIA may not eat better. Honestly --
Ursula: If you happen to be in the CIA and would like to tell us how well you eat, please write in; we will keep your name anonymous.
Kevin: This would be, you know, sort of the field operative thing, because the guys who work at Langley, oh they eat better than this. But --
Ursula: Eh, I'unno. 
Kevin: I dunno. Anyway, so this is the sort of thing that the people are eating in the field right now, so -- *tears packet*
Ursula: Oh god, he opened it!
Kevin: Yep, I opened it. Ooh! It looks like scalloped potatoes all right. Probably needs some heating up. You can eat this cold in the field.
Ursula: You can eat almost anything cold in the field, you just don't want to!
Kevin: Well, you know, when you don't have a choice.
Ursula: We have a choice. We have a microwave right there. 
Kevin: Okay. So I'm squeezing it out of the packet --
Ursula: It looks like little cubes of... stuff and --
Kevin: Ham and potatoes, yep.
Ursula: It's -- well, it's not very appealing but it's no worse than like when I worked in a deli back in the day -- this is why I very rarely get sliced meat at a deli, they never clean the slicers -- and --
Kevin: Oh, thank you for that, now you make me feel so good.
Ursula: I'm sorry, it's true. -- And, so, while it's sort of unappealing -- this isn't about the sliced meat, though, we had the big bags of potato salad, which usually comes in bags, all the salads that are in the deli case, you get these big squelchy bags which -- of the cole slaw, is really revolting -- and then you just kind of like slice 'em open and glop it into the dish, and it looks -- and that sort of yowling you're hearing in the background, if you're hearing that, is two of our cats having a dominance war -- 
Kevin: That's typical.
Ursula: Yes. Well, we won't worry about that. Okay, now while Kevin is trying to make the Meal Ready to Eat ready to eat, let us discuss the other things we are reviewing this week. We have Old MacDougal's Vegan Pad Thai Noodle Soup, which is a -- it's basically it looks like a cup-o-noodle thing, it's a little round cup with a plastic lid. We found this at Lowe's Foods and we had never seen it before, although apparently -- it says "The famous MacDougal program is located in Santa Rosa, California. Enjoy Dr MacDougal's Right Foods for on-the-go Delicious Wellness."
Kevin: Ooooh, so it's --
Ursula: Both "Right Foods" and "Delicious Wellness" are registered trademarks.
Kevin: That's edging up on Kellogg or Dr Bronner.
Ursula: Um, I don't know. Apparently -- oh wait, wait, here's the mission statement.
Kevin: Mhm?
Ursula: It's sourced BPA-free -- "Doctor MacDougal's Right Foods are always delicious, natural, and low in fat, without animal products or cholesterol. We source non-genetically modified ingredients and make nutritious foods that are all-natural tasty sources of plant protein, fiber, and antioxidants for your Delicious Wellness."
Kevin: *checking the MRE* It's warm.
Ursula: It should be said, this is not terribly cheap, I think we paid like two-ninety-nine for a cup-o-noodles?
Kevin: I don't remember how much it was, yeah. All right.
Ursula: All right, I'm trying the -- 
Kevin: -- sure -- 
Ursula: -- wow, this did not get any more appealing-looking upon heating.
Kevin: Well, there's only so much you can do when you're prepping things to, you know, be airlifted into combat zones and stay good for years at a time.
Ursula: This is, um -- the ham is more like hash than it is like ham.
Kevin: It's got a good ham flavor. And it's canned potatoes.
Ursula: It's texturally not terribly appealing, but if I was starving to death and people were shooting at me I guess I'd eat it.
Kevin: If it was all I had to eat, I would eat it.
Ursula: Well, I can't say this is gonna go down as one of our side dishes on the weekly rotation.
Kevin: Well, no. 
Ursula: It is texturally unappealing.
Kevin: It's great for backpacking, though. Camping, backpacking, road trips...
Ursula: The older I get, the less backpacking appeals to me. When I was young, I was hiking all over the mountains, I was -- I mean, you know, I lived on a mountain. I could -- there were elk in the back yard every morning, usually raiding the vegetable garden, the problem is that while you can chase deer off elk chase you off, so that was kind of a loss -- but the point is, I could go out my back door, cross the road, and I was in the mountains. Specifically the Cascades.
Kevin: Right.
Ursula: And I would hike around and get lost in clear-cuts, it's amazing what you can do to get lost in a clear-cut several years later because all the little trees grow in and they all grow to about my eye level, and you can wander around in one of those for hours and not know which way you're going. So I did a lot of hiking. But now I am old, and sleeping on the ground hurts a lot in ways it didn't when I was young.
Kevin: This is true.
Ursula: Now my -- I see the people with the big RVs and I'm not like "You're not enjoying the great outdoors!", I'm like "God, I wish I had one of those." It's sort of like face lifts.
Kevin: You know what's missing?
Ursula: What?
Kevin: The little bottle of Tabasco.
Ursula: Tabasco?
Kevin: -- that is always included with an MRE or a lot of MREs.
Ursula: No, what's missing is the cheese.
Kevin: Cheese?
Ursula: Yeah. Scalloped potatoes always has cheese in it. There's no cheese in this, it is ham and potatoes, it lacks cheese.
Kevin: There is no cheese. There's a hint of cheese maybe?
Ursula: No.
Kevin: Or is that just the... *sniffs* Why don't you...
Ursula: Why don't I start one of these?
Kevin: ...start one of those.
Ursula: Okay, this -- I am starting the Famous MacDougal thing. "Remove--" okay, "Easy preparation fill line--" 
Kevin: What --
Ursula: "Remove fresh flavor packet and pour flavor blend into cup, stir." I've already screwed up.
Kevin: Have you?
Ursula: Yes, I have torn the thing that I have to reclose.
Kevin: Oh that, I do that to cup noodles all the time. Are you gonna have to make hot water and pour it in, or do you pour in hot water and then microwave it?
Ursula: You pour in hot water and microwave it, or you pour in regular water and microwave.
Kevin: All right.
Ursula: Okay, there's another foil packet, we have a lot of foil packets today. 
Kevin: That's -- I think -- I don't know. When we get to the Annie Chun's soup bowl --
Ursula: That's one of the other things we're reviewing is Annie Chun's Korean Kimchi Soup Bowl.
Kevin: Yeah.
Ursula: That was actually fairly cheap, as I recall.
Kevin: That wasn't very expensive at all.
Ursula: Yes. It is also vegan, it is low-fat, dairy-free, fish-shellfish free -- which kinda goes without saying if it's vegan, I suppose -- 
Kevin: True.
Ursula: Okay, I think I have gotten most of the foil packet in.
Kevin: Get all the powder out?
Ursula: Eh, I dunno.
Kevin: Lemme see it.
Ursula: Okay, now it says "Stir" -- it's interesting, it tells you to stir when there's a dry thing, I'm stirring --
Kevin: Ooh, wow, the flavor packet from the pad thai has a kick to it.
Ursula: Okay, I have stirred.
Kevin: You have stirred.
Ursula: Now, "fill to fill line".
Kevin: Fill to fill line. This is always the exciting part, 'cause she's operating kitchen machinery...
Ursula: This is a faucet! Even I can operate a faucet!
Kevin: Oh, you say that now.
Ursula: Unless it's scary.
Kevin: Unless it's scary.
Ursula: I have met some alarming faucets in my day. But what I really want is one of those Hot-Shot things that immediately puts out the hundred-and-ninety-degree water, like my folks have in their kitchen, you know, it is so good for making tea, and occasional third-degree burns.
Kevin: Yeah, I was just seeing parboiled Ursula on a regular basis, and I do not want this to happen --
Ursula: I [unintelligible] all the time.
Kevin: Yeah, so you say. While she's arguing with that particular soup cup --
Ursula: Okay, microwave on high at one minute and forty-five seconds. It doesn't say whether you re-cover it, so I'm just gonna --
Kevin: One minute and forty-five seconds, I will talk about the Jenny-O Turkey Store So Easy Turkey Meatloaf with Tomato Sauce. Now, as a person who is not normally down with the tomato sauce on the meatloaf --
Ursula: -- which I think is freaky because then it is just a loaf of meat, it is the red sauce on top that makes it meatloaf --
Kevin: See, as far as I'm concerned meatloaf should be brown gravy -- again, that may be an East, West, North, South, I don't know thing, or just family or whatever.
Ursula: *stage whispers* He's wrong.
Kevin: You just can't let it go.
Ursula: *giggling* I don't --
Kevin: Ever since I said the thing about the tomatoes and the mac-and-cheese, you can't let it go.
Ursula: The red sauce is -- no, okay, the tomatoes and the mac and cheese -- no, you're right, I'm not even willing to yield on that, I can't let that go, you're wrong on both counts. See, you want tomatoes on one thing and I want tomatoes on the other thing and never the twain shall meet.
Kevin: I--I--I-- So anyway!
Ursula: It's like a Rudyard Kipling poem.
Kevin: We have a turkey meatloaf with tomato sauce, ready in six minutes --
Ursula: You're a better meatloaf than I, Gunga Din.
Kevin: It's relatively easy, this is sort of our mediocre for the week -- I am keeping calm and moving forward -- damn it!
Ursula: *giggling*
Kevin: You open up the box, you remove the meatloaf and sauce from the package, you put it in a bowl, and you can bake or you can microwave, typically microwave, and then --
Ursula: It's ready in six minutes, as the front says --
Kevin: -- and then you slice it, it feeds --
Ursula: Two.
Kevin: Two --
Ursula: You need two packages, they're $3.99 apiece, two packages will feed a family of four if you have a side dish, you know, you need like veggies with it or something, 'cause it's just plain meatloaf and red sauce.
Kevin: Pretty much. Now, this one isn't as bad as the other brand of this we've had in terms of the sauce. This has a tomato sauce --
Ursula: It doesn't have enough tomato sauce.
Kevin: Yes, but it's water and tomato... powder, and food starch, it's not like the other one which is basically water, tomato, and high fructose corn syrup. I like this one, even though the red sauce isn't quite as high-fructosey delicious as the other one -- and man, that stuff is insidious, but you can't argue that it doesn't taste good.
Ursula: This one is, however, I believe, cheaper than the other one, 'cause the other one was like $6.99 and it feeds maybe three.
Kevin: It does feed three, I think that one has the better sauce but overall -- this is something my kids will eat, this is something it is incredibly easy to prepare, I can microwave this and then microwave vegetables and everybody's happy, on a Tuesday night when the only thing I want to do other than sleep is eat dinner, and the last thing I wanna do is cook. So given that -- I mean, given my druthers, I will make a meatloaf with three different kinds of meat that we'll be making sandwiches out of for four days. 
Ursula: Buffalo. Buffalo meatloaf is exquisite.
Kevin: No, I actually can't eat buffalo, because it -- buffalo's the only meat that gives me indigestion. Guaranteed.
Ursula: That said, for the rest of you, buffalo meatloaf, I'm not kidding, it's awesome.
Kevin: When I make my own meatloaf, I use a pound of beef, a pound of pork, and a pound of turkey, typically. 
Ursula: And no red sauce.
Kevin: And no red sauce.
Ursula: Although, because Kevin is a nice person, he once made it with red sauce for me and then I was happy.
Kevin: I did!
Ursula: I can't believe you're still eating the MRE.
Kevin: The MRE -- I'm hungry. It's very salty. I can't help myself.
Ursula: Okay, we are now trying the Annie Chun's Korean Kimchi since we have to wait for the pad thai to sit for six minutes --
Kevin: Oh, it has to sit for six minutes?
Ursula: Yes, that is a six-minute sitter.
Kevin: Wow.
Ursula: This one, however -- "Place noodles in bowl --"
Kevin: Noodles in bowl.
Ursula: "-- and pour a cup of hot water over the noodles." Ah, they're cheating, it's ready in two minutes but that's 'cause it doesn't include the time to make the hot water.
Kevin: Aha. Now, something about this -- this one has the fresh noodles in the vacuum pack --
Ursula: Yes, can you open that?
Kevin: -- it does not have dried noodles. Yes. I will --
Ursula: -- while I make some hot water --
Kevin: -- let me shove this food in my mouth. Now where is the open tab on this?
Ursula: I couldn't find one.
Kevin: There it is! "Tear here" tab. Aha! I win. Do they need to stay in the packet for the hot water?
Ursula: No -- oh god, that would be bizarre.
Kevin: No, I've seen some of these noodle things where you have to -- you make the -- the noodles stay in here and you put hot water in there to loosen them up -- and that's the one stir-fry kit I used to get that I can't find any more.
Ursula: While we're waiting for the hot water to heat up I will give Annie Chun's credit, yet again this is a eco-friendly bowl made of cornstarch, it will now break down in the landfill, and they're using one hundred percent recycled cardboard "in an effort to support sustainable sourcing", as the package says.
Kevin: Yes.
Ursula: We approve of this, we rate them higher for that.
Kevin: Okay --
Ursula: While we're speaking of ratings, what is our opinion on the MRE?
Kevin: MRE! Um, three.
Ursula: Out of what?
Kevin: Three out of five?
Ursula: Oh god no, it wasn't remotely that good.
Kevin: Maybe I just have a lower standard for this sort of thing, because as MREs go, this wasn't that bad -- a little too salty, coulda used some hot sauce.
Ursula: I will say this is the best food for combat conditions that I have tried recently. Or ever, now that I think about it.
Kevin: Or ever, now that... yeah.
Ursula: Okay, no, I had astronaut ice cream and granola the time I hiked the Grand Canyon.
Kevin: That's not the same thing.
Ursula: Are you telling me our troops do not get astronaut ice cream?
Kevin: Last time I saw a complete MRE in the bag, it did not have freeze-dried ice cream. There was the one that had the freeze-dried sausage --
Ursula: Ew!
Kevin: -- but... you're poking the noodles.
Ursula: Well, it is Halloween, and I just want to point out these kind of strongly resemble brains, although texture-wise they don't really feel like brains.
Kevin: They don't look like brains, they look like worms of some sort.
Ursula: Brains!
Kevin: Worms!
Ursula: Brains!
Kevin: Okay, so what rating scale would you use?
Ursula: Um... I think we should use the thing itself. We will give it numbers out of six MREs.
Kevin: Numbers out of six MREs.
Ursula: I would give it perhaps a two out of six, and I'm being generous because I am understanding it has to be freeze-dried and in combat conditions.
Kevin: And this wasn't necessarily freeze-dried but it has to be able to hold up to all kinds of --
Ursula: It was thermostabilized!
Kevin: It was thermostabilized.
Ursula: I have no idea what the hell "thermostabilized" means.
Kevin: I have no idea and we're gonna have to look it up on the internet when we're done.
Ursula: If you happen to know what "thermostabilized" means, feel free to write us and let us know.
Kevin: kevinandursula@gmail.com is our email address, where we accept your complaints, your concerns, your suggestions -- you can comment on the webpage, you can tell us if we're complete idiots, we really don't mind but we reserve the right to repeat anything you say to us on the air, good, bad, or mediocre. And at some point we're gonna have to do a reader suggestion show.
Ursula: I think we ate an MRE on a reader suggestion!
Kevin: Okay, let me clear that up, that happens to be also from a personal friend of ours, who has --
Ursula: -- and we use the word "friend" loosely --
Kevin: Well, we do now!
Ursula: *laughs* Yes, well.
Kevin: You know, we play D&D with his wife. So it's not like that is a complete listener suggestion, but I think we might have to consider a listener suggestion show with all the wonderful suggestions we have been getting. And we've been getting some very interesting suggestions both from our blogs and from the webpage itself, although I'm gonna say right now it's gonna be a while before we do anything with mac and cheese ever again.
Ursula: Oh god yes. All right, I used -- "Using lid, drain water from noodles" -- that was accomplished, now --
Kevin: Okay --
Ursula: "Add soup base and toppings" -- open, you bastards.
Kevin: Is that -- this is the soup base and that's the toppings?
Ursula: I don't know what -- oh god, it's --
Kevin: Oh look, it's another brick! And it's orange.
Ursula: It is a small orange brick of stuff.
Kevin: I see pain in my future.
Ursula: Um.
Kevin: Yeah, that's soup base and toppings. All right.
Ursula: And here is the... something.
Kevin: Ohhh yeah, that's kimchi-looking all right, that's --
Ursula: Whoa, the smell!
Kevin: Whooooaoh boy, that's red and dark and evil and probably full of sodium and good, good, good th-- uh, lemme look at the ingredients here.
Ursula: It's vegan.
Kevin: It's vegan. 
Ursula: Vegans are still allowed to have sodium.
Kevin: So it actually has kimchi...
Ursula: That horrible burrowing noise you're hearing in the background is one of our cats attempting to dig to China.
Kevin: Maybe Korea, maybe he wants some kimchi.
Ursula: Okay, now "add one to one-and-a-quarter cups of water".
Kevin: Yes. Wow, that's like evil, evil tar.
Ursula: I would like to say for the record I am doing this show in Hello Kitty pajamas.
Kevin: That is evil, evil... okay. When preparing the Annie Chun's dish, unless you're exceptionally brave or stupid, and I'm gonna err on the side of -- *coughing* stupid, and that's a pretty good case, their soup bases are concentrated. Tasting them just to get an idea as to what you might be in for...
Ursula: Is a foolish, foolish thing.
Kevin: It is, because this is kimchi, and what I just got was salt and hot pepper. I'm going to die later.
Ursula: Okay --
Kevin: It's delicious, but concentrated.
Ursula: I added water.
Kevin: You added water.
Ursula: The brick is still sitting there. I don't know if I'm supposed to break up the brick, or...
Kevin: I usually try to put the brick under the noodles when I'm doing that, but okay. There you go.
Ursula: All right. 
Kevin: Fold the brick into the noodles. Become one with the brick.
Ursula: Yes, I am one with the brick. How long do I nuke it for?
Kevin: Ninety seconds. Ninety seconds? Let me get a paper towel and clean up the mess that'll make.
Ursula: Meanwhile, while we're waiting for that to cook, our pad thai noodles should be finished.
Kevin: Our six minutes are up?
Ursula: The six minutes are up.
Kevin: Okay. Bring the... bring the damage. I think.
Ursula: The damage?
Kevin: I don't know! Here, we'll need another spoon...
Ursula: This has little lumps in it. They look almost exactly like marshmallows, but since no one would put marshmallows in pad thai I don't --
Kevin: Ooh! Instant tofu?
Ursula: Yes, they are instant tofu!
Kevin: Let's find out! What do we got? *eats* Um...
Ursula: If that's pad thai, I will personally eat my shorts.
Kevin: Well, um... it's supposed to be a soup?
Ursula: Pad Thai Noodle Soup.
Kevin: Okay, well, those are pad thai noodles.
Ursula: I suppose technically this does fall -- I mean...
Kevin: Um, the... carrots are... very crunchy... because they're not fully hydrated...
Ursula: This is just really uninteresting.
Kevin: It is kinda.
Ursula: It's... bland.
Kevin: There's -- I think there's this belief somewhere, with some companies, that vegetarian or vegan things either have to be really really spiced up or they have to be very bland. And if they're not bland then they obviously can't be vegetarian or vegan.
Ursula: You know, I'm putting this in the same category as the MRE.
Kevin: Really?
Ursula: Yeah, frankly, if I was dying or if I was in a war zone, or someone was shooting at me, and this was all I had to eat, this would be fine, 'cause I would need something because I was in a war zone!
Kevin: Okay?
Ursula: As it is, I can't imagine seeking this out to eat it, there's --
Kevin: Well, if I was a vegan looking for some option that I didn't have...
Ursula: If I was a vegan who had been jonesing because I couldn't eat cuppa noodles, then...
Kevin: Yeah?
Ursula: I still wouldn't eat this 'cause it doesn't taste like cup-o-noodles.
Kevin: It doesn't. Not enough salt.
Ursula: It's really uninteresting.
Kevin: So how would you rate this one?
Ursula: I don't think it's even on the chart. I mean, I don't think it's like off-the-chart bad, the way the macaroni is, I think it's...
Kevin: *shudders* Yeah, nothing's as bad as the macaroni.
Ursula: It would probably keep you alive, but why would you bother?
Kevin: This isn't even, I mean... I might have this for lunch with a sandwich to dip in it, maybe it's better with bread dipped in it.
Ursula: Well, I dunno, it's...
Kevin: Not really, though.
Ursula: It's not like actively bad so you hate it, it's just like... why would I bother to eat this?
Kevin: It's very boring. It's boring.
Ursula: Yes, that is incredibly boring food. All right.
Kevin: I think that's -- was that really tofu, was that supposed to be tofu?
Ursula: I'unno. 
Kevin: "Natural flavor (vegan). Evaporated cane juice." Yes, that is supposed to be tofu. It's... yeah, I'm just not getting it. I mean, it's incredibly healthy -- I could eat six of these and not overdo my sugar.
Ursula: Yes, but you'd probably die of boredom by the fourth one.
Kevin: We'll see how their other thing is that we bought.
Ursula: We only bought the one -- oh wait, no, you bought the lentil couscous.
Kevin: I bought the lentil couscous just because I like lentil and I like couscous and now I've got a really lowered expectation for that bad boy.
Ursula: *laughs*
Kevin: I really do.
Ursula: Well, here we go on the Annie Chun's couscou-- not couscous, kimchi!
Kevin: Kimchi, yes. *eats* Well, there's a carrot, there's a mushroom, didn't rehydrate for squat.
Ursula: And there's the red pepper flakes.
Kevin: Oh yeah, that's... kimchi flavor? I don't know. It's got some kick -- there's some cabbage, I think.
Ursula: Well.
Kevin: Getting some kimchi flavor, I'll give 'em points for that.
Ursula: Noodle texture is pretty good.
Kevin: Well, that's -- I have to say, I'm really learning to appreciate the bagged and vacuum-sealed noodles versus the freeze-dried and rehydrated kind, because in something like these -- the glass noodles that are in this -- that are in the Doctor MacDougal's, they never come out really well. These -- the vacuum-sealed come out excellent.
Ursula: Honestly, and I realize it's applying food-snob flavor -- you know, tendencies to rehydrated instant kimchi noodles, is a little preposterous, but all I'm tasting is the heat. I'm not getting very much flavor, I'm getting a lot of red pepper. There's a little bit of a sour undertone that I assume is the kimchi, but mostly it's just hot. This is, on the spice scale, definitely medium. I mean, it's not like hot hot 'cause I'm a spice wuss, but 
Kevin: Now if you're digging around for a vegetable or so-- oh, wow. 
Ursula: That's an actual mushroom, I think.
Kevin: Yeah. The mushrooms came out -- rehydrated really well, very sweet, about what I expect in a soup.
Ursula: This is definitely the best of the three offerings, but...
Kevin: Yeah, but you're right, I mean, the flavor is, um... hot. There's no other real flavor to it.
Ursula: But texturally it's far superior to any of the others.
Kevin: Very.
Ursula: It's like eating a hot... noodles. Noodles that taste like capsaicin.
Kevin: Well, I wouldn't go that far, I mean I can tell that it's pepper and not chemical. And that's a big difference, I mean it's not like the one set of wings that are basically pure capsaicin --
Ursula: Oh, the Braveheart wings!
Kevin: The Braveheart wings, yes.
Ursula: Friend of ours was eating those and I asked him finally if -- well, first of all, I wanted to try them, so he chiseled off a little tiny bit that was about the size of... maybe two pinheads put together? And I ate it and there was a powerful chemical burn in my mouth, there was no flavor, there was just pain, and -- in fairness, I get a similar effect from any of the really strong mustards, there's almost a chemical taste -- and then I had to drink about half of his beer because that was the only thing that cut it, it was a Guinness.
Kevin: Yay Guinness. And you don't like beer.
Ursula: I don't like beer, but it actually cut it much better than like water or anything. And so I ask him, I'm like "Dude, does this -- when you -- does this come out the other side in a bad way?" and he said "Well, no, but it's interesting, these are the only wings I've ever had where it burns when I pee afterwards, you can feel some heat in the... the... nether regions," and I'd never heard of that before, so -- capsaicin will come out any orifice it can.
Kevin: Yeah, it will, I've had that sometimes with extra spicy Thai foods, when I've had Thai, but it has to be the really hot Thai foods that I can't eat anymore. Make me sad.
Ursula: Kevin used to be a big spice fan.
Kevin: Oh, yeah.
Ursula: I have never been one, but I have gotten -- I've been able to tolerate more spice now because --
Kevin: I've upped her ante. And now she has to eat spices for me since I can't.
Ursula: Yes.
Kevin: Which is very very unfortunate because I love it, but there are medical reasons.
Ursula: So I would give this one... you know, this one I would give three out of six MREs. It's -- texturally it's fine, if it's a lunch, it's not gonna you know like rock your world, but if you like hot stuff it's probably better than a lot of the other stuff on the market, or you could just buy a cup-o-noodles and squeeze Tabasco over it.
Kevin: Yeah, pretty much. I will agree wholeheartedly with that.
Ursula: But it gets good texture points, and since everything else had lousy texture, I think I'm giving it a more generous score because of that.
Kevin: Yeah. Now, Doctor MacDougal's Vegan Pad Thai Noodle Soup No Gluten, I'm gonna have to go much more along the lines of -- it doesn't taste like pad thai, it's a soup, but it doesn't... it doesn't... I mean, it's surprisingly bland --
Ursula: And it was expensive. For what it is.
Kevin: Very pricey for what it is --
Ursula: I'd give it one-point-five MREs. It's not that it was bad but it just was so boring and so expensive...
Kevin: I'll give it two. Two outta six, with the actual MRE itself coming in at, uh -- three and a half out of six, maybe?
Ursula: Well, the MRE is getting points for being indestructible and capable of being made on a car carburetor, which I don't think either of these are.
Kevin: Nnnooo.
Ursula: With that in mind, the MRE gets a three not for flavor or texture but for portability and being thermostabilized.
Kevin: Thermostabilized.
Ursula: Just 'cause, I mean, who doesn't love food that comes printed with the word "thermostabilized"?
Kevin: At this point, after the amount of time that they have spent eating it, I believe any of our --
Ursula: -- friends in the Army --
Kevin: -- friends in the Army, or Marines, who are stuck in -- playing in the desert right now.
Ursula: I feel for you guys, I'd send you better food but I don't think it would make it over there.
Kevin: Anyway, the only thing she could possibly do is make cookies, and that might be a --
Ursula: And frankly I have too much -- I feel the military has a hard enough job already without me trying to cook for them.
Kevin: Really, guys, you have no idea. All right!
Ursula: Well, I think we've wrapped up another week --
Kevin: We have. The meatloaf, what did we rate the meatloaf? Five outta six?
Ursula: Yeah, I'd give it a... four and a half out of six. 
Kevin: Four and a half out of six, okay.
Ursula: It's not really exciting, but -- you know, it's not like "oh my god you guys have to eat this meatloaf", but it's, y'know.
Kevin: You made valid points.
Ursula: It's cheap, you can feed a family of four for eight bucks plus a side dish, which in these troubled times --
Kevin: Why am I still eating these pad thai noodles?
Ursula: 'Cause we're hungry, clearly, so put that away and we'll go reheat pizza or something. 
Kevin: Yeah, reheated pizza sounds really good about now.
Ursula: Yes.
Kevin: All right guys, well that's it, Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap, We Eat It So You Don't Have To, and we had a couple things that... you don't have to. Have a good week!
Ursula: Remember, this podcast was brought to you by Monoceros Media, our sponsors, who have sent us a rice cooker. For all your printing and odd merchandise-printing needs, for things with laser-cuts and die-cuts and God knows what all, and also really cool large banners suitable for attaching to tables, indoor and outdoor uses, and the grommets are actually real high-quality which is a weird thing to mention but if you've ever tried to deal with one of those banners with shitty grommets, man, you do not want that. That is terrible. So, Monoceros Media: good printing, good grommets.
Kevin: Okay, are we done?
Ursula: Yeah.
Kevin: All right.
Category:Episode transcriptions