The New Candle Friends/Transcript

(The episode begins at the Candle House.)
Mystic: It felt so satisfying to ruin the Spammers’ plans once again.
Limefong: Jeah!
Candle Man: I agree, but I’m kinda bored fighting the same people over and over.
Shaduck: You too?
Limefong: Hey, what if we went on a vacation? Y'know, away from all this nonsense, jeah?
Shaduck: I was kinda wanting a vacation, too.
Mystic: So why don’t we take one?
Candle Man: I’d like to, but who would fight the Spammers while we’re gone?
(The Side 5 burst through the door.)
The Side 5: WE’LL DO IT!
Mystic: I don’t know…
Candle Man: Are you qualified?
Baghead: Dude, I’m literally the protector of Wikia.
Candle Man: (offended) Ugh, yeah… but you don’t need to rub it into my face and brag about it. Anyway, you’re Force-sensitive, which makes you a great fighter, but (Turns to the other Side 5 members.) what about you guys?
Kellie: I’m very resourceful!
TwoBrains: My second brain can do anything!
(A cup of coffee dispenses from her mouth. She takes it out and sips it.)
The Main 4: Ew.
Pesron: I am the strongest person in the town of Wikia.
Moose: I’m stronger than Pesron, and I’m great with science.
Pesron: Well, maybe you’re great with science, but I’m absolutely sure you’re not stronger than me.
Moose: We’ll talk about this later.
Candle Man: Yeah, I guess you are all qualified.
Shaduck: I say let ‘em.
Limefong: Me too!
Mystic: As well as I.
Candle Man: Alright, you guys are in! We’ll get packing!
Baghead: You do that!
Candle Man: So yeah, until the Spammers attack, you guys can stay in our house, I guess… but only if nothing goes wrong!
(The scene goes black and then fades to the Main 4 who are now at the door. Candle Man has sunglasses, Shaduck has a pool floatie and swim trunks on, Limefong has sunblock, and Mystic has an umbrella and a pair of sunglasses. All have suitcases resembling their main color—Candle Man with orange, Mystic with purple, Shaduck with dark blue and Limefong with lime green—with luggage inside.)
Limefong: Okay, we’re ready!
Mystic: Wait, where’s Luna?
(Luna honks the horn of the car, signifying she’s already there.)
Mystic: Oh.
Candle Man: Let’s just go already!
Limefong: Okay, okay. (Takes out the keys to the house. To the Side 5.) The Candy Cat Show records on Thursday and The Grand Theft Show records on Saturday. Water my mulberry bush at 1:00 every day. If the Spammers commit a crime, stop them!
Candle Man: Come on, Lime!
Limefong: Okay, we’re going now! Goodbye!
(Limefong gets pulled out the door by the others, and the door slams shut. Silence for a moment or two.)
Kellie: So, what do we do first?
(More silence.)
Baghead: There’s a Cloning War marathon on!
TwoBrains: Then let’s watch that until the Spammers attack or something.
(Cue theme song. Now, they are watching. The TV shows a girl with head-tails and a man with brown hair looking at her from behind.)
Brown Hair Man: Ashka, wait! You can’t go!
(Ashka turns around.)
Ashka: I have to, Andri. No one trusts me anymore. I tried to tell everyone I didn’t do it, but nobody listened. 
Andri: But… I need you. I’ve trained you for years now, and I can’t let them push you away from me.
Ashka: But attachment is forbidden!
Andri: It’s not that. I just can’t let you walk away like this.
(Finally, the scene shows the Side 5 on the couch. All of them are crying. Baghead has stains on his bag, and TwoBrains blows her nose. Dirty tissues are all over the couch and floor.)
Baghead: Every time I watch it, it just gets sadder.
(Back to the TV. Ashka finally walks away and out of sight.)
Andri: Well, at least I still have Sixes.
(Baghead sobs louder. Moose, confused, turns toward him.)
Moose: W-what?
Baghead: Y-y-you’ll see.
Pesron: W-w-we should get dinner.
TwoBrains: W-wait. H-h-how long have we been sitting here?
Kellie: F-f-f-five hours.
(Everyone stops crying.)
Everyone: WHAT?!
TwoBrains: I should order a pizza. TwoBrain, please order pizza to this house.
TwoBrain: I will do so, TwoBrains.
(Screen cuts to a clock, showing it is 6:30. Fades to the same clock, only it is now 7:30. The Side 5 are on the couch again, still watching the marathon. A person in blue armor with white markings takes blasters and aims them at a person in red armor with white markings. A red armored man acts quicker and shoots the blue armored man through the heart. He goes down, and another blue armored man runs to him.)
The Other Blue Armored Man: SIXES!
(The blue armored man takes Sixes into his arms. He rests Sixes head on his lap.)
Sixes: I-it’s okay, brother. I don’t have to deal with this war… anymore…
(Meanwhile, the Side 5 are crying louder than before.)
Baghead: T-t-t-TOLD YOU!
(The doorbell rings, and Moose answers it, wiping away his tears. It is the pizza guy.)
Pizza guy: Pizza delivery! I have a pizza for Ms. MultiCells…
Moose: Ooh, that’s me!
Pizza guy: Really? ‘Cause you don’t look like a woman.
TwoBrains: T-t-t-tell him I’m in the bathroom!
(Scene cuts to them eating pizza while continuing to watch The Cloning War. Now, they watch a bald guy with a purple lightsaber duel a lady in red while a goofy guy with a big mouth and eyestalks watches.)
Baghead: I actually kinda like Tup-Tup.
Kellie: Him? He’s an abomination.
Baghead: He’s funny!
Moose: And apparently romantic.
Pesron: You know, I can’t understand why they had to go on vacation. This job is great!
Kellie: Yeah! Lots of downtime, too!
Baghead: We should be the ones with the job! I literally defend the town…
Kellie: I’m the example of a model employee…
TwoBrains: I’m the smartest person of all time…
Pesron: I’m the strongest person in the world…
Moose: And I’m the best scientist this town’s ever seen!
Kellie: We have to do the grunt work while a uncontrollable candle, a bad-natured ex-god, a stupid duck, and a video game-crazed dog run around and “save the world” from the same six people that they can never capture!
Baghead: Yeah! I was the one who captured Luis!
Pesron: And we still get pushed aside and called the “Side 5”. Why are the side characters in our own lives?
TwoBrains: And why aren’t we the defenders?
Moose: Maybe if we do better than them while they’re on vacation, we can take their spots!
Baghead: And get the spots we rightfully deserve!
Everyone: YEAH!
(Cuts to the next morning. Baghead is already up, and is brewing a cup of chocolate milk in the kitchen. Pesron walks in.)
Pesron: How are you already up?
Baghead: Hard to sleep on the floor and get ten or so hours of sleep in the process.
Pesron: You slept on the floor?
Baghead: Of course! Who sleeps in someone else’s bed?
Pesron: Uh, we did.
Baghead: Not my point. Anyway, what are you doing up?
Pesron: I don’t get a lot of sleep normally.
Baghead: Ah. (Takes a sip.) So, am I the only one who is wondering when the Spammers will start committing crimes?
(An explosion is heard in the background.)
Baghead: Spoke too soon.
Pesron: We need to wake the others up!
Baghead: No time!
(Pesron and Baghead run out and see the Spammers [minus Luis] blowing up cars with bazookas.)
Dyaboy: What fun! 
Kitchen: Yahoo!
Baghead: HEY!
(Everyone stops.)
Whickey: Oh, it’s you two.
Maps: The defender and the bodybuilder. Actually, now that I say that out loud, we might be in trouble.
Whickey: Us? In trouble? HA! We’ll see about that!
(The Spammers launch their bazookas at Pesron and Baghead. Baghead uses the Force to freeze the bazooka rockets in midair, turn them around, and shoot them at the Spammers. The rockets explode, and put the Spammers on their stomachs or backs. They get up, battered and bruised, and charge at the duo. Baghead uses the Force to freeze them in midair, and Pesron hits each of them hard enough to render them unconscious. TwoBrains, Kellie, and Moose come outside.)
TwoBrains: TwoBrain, call the police.
TwoBrain: Okay. Calling the police.
(Fades to the police taking them all away.)
Kellie: I’m surprised you were able to do it all yourselves.
Baghead: Well, I couldn’t have done it without Pesron.
Pesron: What? No. You immobilized them.
Baghead: But you knocked them out!
Moose: Well, if two can do it themselves, then five should have no problem!
TwoBrains: We are more than qualified! We just jailed the people the others have been chasing for a long time!
Kellie: So, how should we celebrate?
(They all hesitate for a moment, then the scene quickly cuts everyone partying in the house. Kellie is blasting techno music, Moose is breakdancing, and TwoBrains and Pesron are watching as Baghead sticks a straw into a keg of grape soda, then slurping loudly.)
TwoBrains and Pesron: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
(Baghead finishes the keg, then uses the Force to crush it.)
TwoBrains and Pesron: YEAH!
(Everyone is now out in the backyard, playing paintball, Baghead laughing maniacally as he shoots paint at the rest of the group.)
Moose: (As he tries to prevent getting hit) AHHHHH! BAGHEAD, YOU ARE A MANIAC!
Baghead: No I’m not, I’m a Jedi. 
(A paintball hits Moose.)
TwoBrains: TwoBrain, power up the deflector shields!
TwoBrain: Powering up deflector shields!
(Paintballs begin bouncing off TwoBrains. One hits Pesron. Kellie shoots at TwoBrains, but nothing works.)
Kellie: Argh! WHY ARE YOU SO HARD TO DEFEAT?!
TwoBrains: Because I set up deflector shields.
Moose: YOU CHEATER!
TwoBrains: I’m just using my brain. You should try that sometime.
Baghead, Pesron, and Kellie: OOH, SNAP!
TwoBrains: Anyway, I’m unstoppable!
Baghead: Oh, are you?
(Baghead holds up a paintball bazooka.)
Kellie: Uh oh.
Baghead: Hasta la vista, TwoBrains.
(He launches it, and the screen is covered with a big splattered paintball. The Side 5 are now shown sitting down, completely covered in orange paint, some even on the camera. They all start laughing very loudly.)
Moose: I hope every day is as fun as this!
(Cuts to the next day. Everyone is on the couch, which is all battered and dirty. All seem extremely tired, and Baghead is burping uncontrollably. This soon aggravates TwoBrains.)
TwoBrains: CAN YOU STOP THAT?!
Baghead: NO! (Burp) IT’S BECAUSE OF (burp) THE KEG OF (burp) GRAPE SODA! (Burp.)
TwoBrains: Well it’s gross and obnoxious! SO STOP!
Baghead: FOR THE LAST TIME I (BURP) CAN’T!!! (BURP.)
(TwoBrains pulls out a roll of duct tape to make Baghead shut up)
Baghead: ANYTHING BUT THE (BURP) DUCT TAPE!
(TwoBrains tries to put it on his mouth, but she can’t find it.)
TwoBrains: WHERE IS IT?!
Baghead: HA (BURP) HA!
(TwoBrains wraps it around the bottom of the bag, which is pushed up against his neck, and therefore making Baghead’s eye holes the only holes in the bag. Muffled, Baghead burps, and the entire top of his bag explodes due to too much gas inside the bag.)
Baghead: (Burp.) Don’t do that again. (Burp.)
(He puts another bag on over the damaged one, then pulls the damaged one out from underneath.)
Kellie: I never want to party like that again.
Moose: Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick.
Pesron: Me first!
(They both rush towards the bathroom. Baghead burps again.)
TwoBrains: That’s it! GO TO CANDLE MAN’S ROOM, AND STAY THERE UNTIL YOU STOP THAT BURPING!
Baghead: GLADLY! (BURP.)
(Baghead does so, burping along the way. TwoBrains is heard sighing in relief.)
Kellie: Well, all the boys are out of the living room. Wanna watch some Moose Wine?
TwoBrains: ...Sure.
(They turn on the TV and switch to the channel Moose Wine is on. Two moose are at a table in an elegant restaurant. They clink glasses with a purple liquid in them.)
Female moose: This mulberry wine is delicious, my darling!
Male moose: Indeed. Squeezed and aged especially for you, my dear.
Female moose: Oh, stop.
TwoBrains: Wait a sec. Mulberries? Oh my gosh! I FORGOT TO WATER LIMEFONG’S BUSH!
(TwoBrains and Kellie, the latter with a watering can, run outside and over to the bush, which is incredibly dry and dying.)
TwoBrains: Kellie, water it!
(Kellie pours the water over the bush.)
TwoBrains: It’s not enough!
Kellie: SORRY!
(She runs inside to the faucet.)
TwoBrains: Oh, she’s never gonna make it! TwoBrain, what can you do?
TwoBrain: I can make it so you can water it, but it’ll cost you-
TwoBrains: DOESN’T MATTER! WATER IT!
(Lots of water shoots out of TwoBrains mouth. The more that hits the plant, the less it looks weak. Kellie returns.)
Kellie: TwoBrains, I’m here with more- (notices) ew!
(The last of the water comes out of TwoBrains’ mouth, but she falls over, weakened from a lack of water.)
Kellie: TWOBRAINS!
TwoBrains: (Coughs.) I’m fine. Help me to my room.
(With an arm over Kellie’s shoulder, TwoBrains makes it to Mystic’s room. She flumps down on the bed.)
TwoBrains: Thanks, Kel. Huh, Mystic sure likes the theme of space.
Kellie: Yeah she does. She did come from space, after all.
TwoBrains: If you say so. Geez, this day could not get any worse.
(Kellie’s phone buzzes.)
Kellie: Hello?
King: Are you Kellie Smith?
Kellie: Yes, why?
King: I heard you were covering for Candle Man and the other three. I need you and your friends’ help.
Kellie: Thanks, but don’t you usually call Baghead before Candle Man and the others, let alone us?
King: Yes, but a little bird told me he, uh… dropped his phone in the toilet. Anyway, can I count on you and the others to stop the Spammers? They’re attempting to escape from jail.
Kellie: Yes, you can! We won’t let you down, sir!
King: Thank you, and goodbye.
(The king hangs up. Immediately, Kellie becomes worried.)
Kellie: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
TwoBrains: What?
Kellie: The Spammers are trying to escape from jail, and I’m the only one in shape to do anything!
TwoBrains: You could take Burphead with you. I don’t want that around here.
Kellie: Good idea, TwoBrains.
(Kellie runs out of the room and goes into Candle Man’s. She grabs Baghead and escorts him out of the room.)
Baghead: Where are we (burp) going?
Kellie: I’ll explain on the way.
(They run out the door. Meanwhile, the Spammers go into the evidence room and Maps grabs a small gadget. Luis is in a prison cell across the hall.)
Luis: Are you going to get me out? Because I am wondering. I still am too.
Maps: Of course! But not right now.
Luis: Phooey.
(Kellie and Baghead burst through the wall.)
Kellie: Stop right there!
Baghead: Yeah! (Burp.)
Whickey: Where are the rest of you guys?
Baghead: Does it (burp) matter?
Maps: Well, no…
Baghead: Exactly! (BURP.)
Dyaboy: What’s with all the belching?
Baghead: That is (burp) none of your (burp) BUSINESS! (BURP.)
Kellie: Let’s get them, Bag!
Baghead: Yeah! Uh oh, big one coming…
(His next burp is so powerful, it propels him and Kellie many miles away.)
Baghead and Kellie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh… 
Gyux: Ggggggggggggu… (Subtitles: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…)
Kitchen: I guess we won?
Maps: Wait a sec. (She sniffs the air.) Grape soda? It seems like they partied last night. From that, I can deduce that the others are sick at home.
Whickey: So?
Maps: It’s time I launch something from that hidden camera.
(She pushes a button on the device. Suddenly, the scene cuts to the Candle House, where Pesron and Moose sit on the couch, sick. A small spider robot comes out of the camera, and crawls down the wall. Moose spots it.)
Moose: SPIDER!!! RUUUUUN!!!
Pesron: But Moose-
(Moose jumps behind the couch, but the spider-bot ignores him and continues to crawl down the wall. Finally, it crawls onto the coffee table, and expands into a giant spider-bot. This finally scares Pesron, who also jumps behind the couch.)
Pesron: GIANT SPIDER!!!
Moose: TOLD YOU! BAD NEWS!!!
(Back to the Spammers, who watch through the camera.)
Whickey: When were you going to tell us about this?
Maps: When you asked. Which you didn’t.
Whickey: Hmph.
(Meanwhile, the spider-bot shoots a laser straight through the couch. Moose and Pesron gawk at the damage.)
Moose: Candle Man’s gonna kill us.
Pesron: If we don’t drown in our own vomit first.
Moose: Fair.
(He goes offscreen to vomit. Meanwhile, TwoBrains hears the attack from Mystic's room.)
TwoBrains: TwoBrain, you gotta think of a way to help them!
TwoBrain: Sorry, TwoBrains, but you are very weak. I can give a burst of strength and energy, but it’ll cost you-
TwoBrains: Do it!
TwoBrain: But TwoBrains, do you remember what happened last ti-
TwoBrains: IT DOESN’T MATTER! DO IT!
(TwoBrain does it, and TwoBrains gets a huge burst of energy. She runs down the hall and watches as the giant spider-bot throws the TV at Moose and Pesron.)
Moose: TwoBrains!
Pesron: DO SOMETHING!
TwoBrains: Guys, help me out!
(Moose and Pesron run behind TwoBrains. Pesron then runs offscreen to vomit. He then comes back.)
TwoBrains: I’m gonna stun him, then you two come in and beat it to pieces!
Moose: Got it!
(TwoBrains runs toward the giant spider-bot, dodging its attacks, then finally placing a hand on its face. TwoBrains then electrocutes it, stunning it.)
TwoBrains: NOW!
(Moose and Pesron do as ordered, beating it over and over until it stops functioning. When they finish the pounding, they both rush to the bathroom. TwoBrains then throws the pieces outside. Scene changes to the Spammers.)
Dyaboy: Your bot failed.
Maps: Did it? They look like they’ve had quite enough of this crime-fighting stuff.
Offscreen person: Not me!
(Kellie steps in one more time.)
Kitchen: Where’s Baghead?
Kellie: Let’s just say he needs a few minutes.
(Scene cuts to Baghead’s house, where R7-A1 and C0F-3 surround Baghead, who is on his back and burping non-stop.)
C0F-3: Not to worry, sir! I’ll help you!
(She takes her own head off and uses it to pour coffee into his mouth, which is still underneath a bag. Back to Kellie.)
Dyaboy: Then we’ll just have to defeat you.
Kellie: We’ll see.
(She takes out Baghead’s lightsaber and turns it on.)
Gyux: Hu ho! (Subtitles: "Uh oh!")
Maps: Wait, do you know how to use that?
Kellie: Don’t have to. AHHHHHHHH!
(She starts swinging it all around, which scratches the walls. Her eyes are closed while she does this, and the Spammers [minus Luis] seize the moment and slip away. Kellie finally opens her eyes and notices she failed.)
Kellie: Karabast!
(Scene cuts to the house, where Kellie and a non-burping Baghead enter, and survey the damage. TwoBrains sits in the middle of it.)
TwoBrains: On second thought, Baghead can just fight crime.
Baghead: Ugh.
TwoBrains: But right now, let’s clean this place u-
(She passes out, since she lent her last amount of energy to the fight.)
TwoBrain: Told you it’ll cost ya.
(Fades to a few days later. The Main 4 and Luna have returned from their vacation, and the Side 5 join them in the living room.)
Moose: …And that’s why your TV and couch are missing.
Mystic: Well, it sounds like you had quite an adventure.
Baghead: We did.
Candle Man: But it sounds like you are not fit for this job.
Baghead: What job? Letting the bad guys get away? We sent them to jail!
TwoBrains: We only lost because we celebrated too much!
Pesron: And even then, we stopped a giant spider from trashing your house!
Moose: You guys need to stop giving us the short end of the stick.
Limefong: Okay, okay, you’ve made your point.
Shaduck: At least you learned a lesson.
Baghead: As well as you.
Candle Man: Now, let’s watch the Candy Cat Show. 
Pesron: TV’s gone, remember?
Candle Man: IT'S… GONE?
Kellie: We just told you it was.
(Candle Man gets down on his knees.)
Candle Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(The episode ends.)
Category:Transcripts
Category:Candle Man & Friends
Category:Season 1