The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons/Quotes

:Apu has ended his date with Elizabeth Hoover. They went to a carnival. Miss Hoover is holding a gigantic stuffed animal.
:Elizabeth Hoover: I had a great time at the carnival, Apu. Thank you for winning Wubsy. I had no idea you were such a crack shot.
:Apu: All Kwik-E-Mart employees must be skilled with firearms.
:Elizabeth Hoover goes inside her home.
:Apu: {talking to himself} That was a hard date to top. But we shall see.
:Apu drives his car a short distance, from the Hoover residence to the Van Houten residence, which is next door. Luann van Houten emerges.
:Luann van Houten: Who is up for some clog dancing?
:Apu produces a pair of clogs.
:Apu: Why do you not try and stop me!
----
:Apu: The fact that I would stage this ridiculous farce surely proves to you how much I do not want to go through with this arranged marriage.
:Apu's Mother: I had no idea how strongly you felt, Apu. Now wipe that smile off your face.... We have a wedding to plan.
----
:Apu: Mother, come on! You know that one out of every 25 arranged marriages ends in divorce!
----
:Lisa: Can I ask you about the dot?
:Apu's Mother: What would you like to know?
:Lisa: What's the deal with the dot? Can you see out of it?
:Bart: Does it change colors when you're ticked off?
:Apu's Mother: You tell me.
:Bart: Nothing yet.
:Apu's Mother: Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage?
:Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes.
----
:Apu: What am I going to do?
:Homer: Tell her the truth. You're not ready to get married.
:Apu: No, no. You do not know Mother. She will never quit until I am married.
:Homer: Then tell her you're already married.
:Apu: No. I cannot lie to my mother.
:Homer: Then get married. What the hell do you want from me?
:Apu: (Talking on the phone) Yes, that is right, Mother. I already got married. Why did not I bother to tell you? Well, uh, the reason is, um... Oh... Well, I guess l... I didn't think you'd understand. Got to go!
----
:Apu: What am I gonna do?
:Homer: What's the big problem?
:Apu: But don't you see? She is here to meet my wife. (Homer stares blankly) The wife that I told her I had. (Homer stares blankly) I do not have a wife!
:Homer: Then maybe you shouldn't have told her you did.
----
:Homer: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
:Moe: Booze, booze, and more booze.
:Lenny: Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
----
:Homer holds a lottery ticket up to a light and learns that it's a $500 winner.
:Homer: Apu, wake up! I wanna buy a Yodel and this lottery ticket. I have this much.
:Apu: I'm sorry. You do not have enough for both.
:Homer: Oh... oh... oh... oh... Yodel.
----
:Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony.
:Reverend Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ. Plus, I consulted a Hindu website.
----
:Kent Brockman: Our top story: Hunks, and lots of them. And all to raise money for the Springfield Fire Department to buy a fire engine so they can get to fires.
:Bart: Lazy bums.
:Homer: Yeah! Why don't we buy them mink stoles while we're at it?
----
:Kent Brockman: (referencing the Sea Captain) Come on! He likes sunsets! What more do you want?
----
:Kent Brockman: Our last bachelor likes women who take their clothes off for money. Let's hear it for Moe!
----
:Homer: You know what you could do?
:Apu: Shut up.
:Homer: You could fake your own death.
:Apu: Oh won't you shut up.
:Homer: All you need is a car bomb.
:Apu: I can't believe you don't shut up!
----
:Apu: Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?
:Homer: It's you.
----
:Marge: So what brings you to America?
:Apu's Mother: I have come to see the woman for whom Apu was willing to disgrace his family and spit on his culture.
:Marge: Ah. Well, here I am!
----
:Homer: Oh... that Yodel was so good. I wish I was eating it right now. (sees Apu letting his mother out of his car in front of the house) Oh, CRAP! I forgot!