Shrek

==Transcript==
===Outhouse===
[Inside somewhere dark, the camera closes on a beautiful storybook. A stream of light cuts through the darkness illuminating a beautiful but worn book. The book opens revealing a picture of lovely princess running over a field with a fairy-tale castle in the background.]
SHREK: [narrator reading the book.] Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.
[The next page reveals the princess in silhouette with a suggestion of some kind of magic force surrounding her.]
SHREK: [continued] But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken love's first kiss.
[The book turns the page to reveal a castle protected by a dragon.]
SHREK: [continued] She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible, fire-breathing dragon.
[The next page shows knights being attacked by the dragon]
SHREK: [continued] Many brave knights have attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed.
[The book turns the page to reveal the princess sleeping under a canopied bed in a chamber similar to Sleeping Beauty.]
SHREK: [continued] She waited in the Dragon's Keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss--
[A large green hand tears the page from the book and shuts the book]
SHREK: [continued; sarcastic] Yeah -- Like that's ever gonna happen!
[Paper crumbling and a whipping noise are heard from outside of a outhouse]
SHREK: [continued; good natured; laughing] What a load of--
[Shrek flushes his toilet. Shrek comes out of the out-house. He picks his underwear from his butt and notices a page of the book stuck to his foot. He shakes it off. Looking up he admires his house. Proud, happy and content. Shrek walks out of frame and shuts his outhouse.]
[A bucket goes into mud and splashes two puddles of green water turning into the film's title. Shrek puts the bucket on the hook, takes off his clothes, pulled the rope, mud land on his butt, takes a mud shower and then he rinses his mouth with mud and spits it out forming it into the word Mike Myers.]
[Shrek grabs a bug from his toiletry jar, squeezes it on to a bone and proceeds to clean his teeth. He checks his smile and the mirror cracks, making him even happier. The mirror shards fell showing the Eddie Murphy word.]
[Shrek jumps into a mucky swamp pond, we see the orge tooting on the water bubbling and a relieved look on Shrek's face. Dead fish float belly up, Shrek turns and grabs one of them while showing Cameron Diaz's name on the pond.]
[Shrek leaves the pond, his legs are covered in leaches, he pulls one off, tastes it and put his clothes on.]
[Mud secretes out of a hollowed log floating inside the pond. Shrek pops out behind it and grabs his "Mud Squid" from the muddy pile.]
=== Ogre Hunters ===
[Shrek is painting. Delicately creating what seems to be a beautiful vista. He takes the painting from the easel and hammers a stick to the back. As he walks off with it we see that it's a "Beware" sign.]
[Shrek enters his home.]
[Pub door with "Wanted Creatures Reward" sign bursts open and angry mob pours out. An ogre hunter draws a plan of attack onto ground. Ogre hunters reach for torches and pitchforks.]
[Shrek grabs spoon and begins to eat his dinner.]
[Silhouette of mob against the setting sky running into the forest.]
[Shrek strikes a match and starts fire in hearth with a burp.]
[The angry mob raise their torches and pitchforks.]
[Shrek lounging in front of fire. He pulls a fish from a sack at his side and bites off the head.]
[The angry mob treks through a forest. A villager steps on one of Shrek's "Stay Out' signs.]
[Shrek hears a noise and peers out his window. He sees the angry mob coming through the swamp, lit in the morning darkness by burning torches. Shrek rolls his eyes.]
[The mob makes its way quietly through the bushes. Shrek follows closely behind.]
[The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One named Chris stepped forward determinedly.]
OGRE HUNTER 1: [sotto; intense] All right. Let's get it!
[Another villager named James looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing Chris and stopping him.]
OGRE HUNTER 2: Whoa! Hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?
[a third villager named Mike pipes in.]
OGRE HUNTER 3: [forboding] Yeah. It'll grind your bones for it's bread.
[the other villagers all stare at Mike bewildered. The villagers hear the new voice and spin around.]
SHREK: [brightly; laughing] Yes. Well, actually, that would be a giant.
[Shrek is standing nonchalantly behind the villagers, he advances on them as he speaks, getting more intense and terrifying as he does. They back away frightened.]
SHREK: [continued; starts nonchalant and build] Now ogres... Oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
[Villager James leaps forward bravely waving the torch in front of Shrek.]
OGRE HUNTER 4: Back! Back beast! Back! I warn ya!
[Shrek leans away, avoiding the torch and watching James with casual indifference. When James is done with waving, he holds the torch threateningly in front of him. Shrek moistens his thumb and forefinger and reaching forward, snuffs out the torch.]
[The villagers stand stunned for a moment.]
OGRE HUNTER 4: Right.
SHREK: [huge long roar]
[Simultaneously the villagers screw their eyes closed and scream for all they're worth.]
OGRE HUNTERS: [huge long scream]
[Their scream outlasts Shrek's roar and Shrek ponders them for a moment.]
SHREK: [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
[The ogre hunters all run as fast as they can. We cut in close on Shrek as he watches them go. He chuckles to himself.]
SHREK: [continued] And stay out!
[Shrek suddenly notices a small flyer that the villagers have left behind. He pick it up and reads it.]
SHREK: [continued] "Wanted: Fairytale creatures."
[He tosses it into the ground and heads back into his house.]
=== Selling Donkey ===
GUARD 1: Alright, this one's full. Take it away!
[The camera closes on a dwarf behind bars being hauled away in a wagon. The camera widens to reveal a guard leading off shackled dwarves as a farmer collects the coins from the table. Sitting behind is a captain of the guards dolling out reward money notating the trades. This is one of Lord Farquaad's trading posts.]
DWARVES: [singing mournfully] He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners we are... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners we are.
GUARD 2: Move it along... Come on! Get up!
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Next.
[A second farmer steps forward, shoving a witch tied with rope, to the table. A waiting guard grabs her broom and snaps it over his knee.]
GUARD 2: Give me that! [breaks the broom in half] Your flying days are over.
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
[The second guard takes her away. The second farmer collects his reward and walks past a line of people waiting to sell their prisoners: Two villagers with elves, an old man named Geppetto with Pinocchio, an old woman with a Donkey, a boy named Peter Pan with a glowing fairy named Tinker Bell in a cage and a burly peasant with the three little pigs named Heimlich, Dieter and Horst.]
FARMER: [grumbling to himself] Lousy 20 pieces!
GUARD 3: Sit down there! Keep quiet!
[As the farmer passes, the pan stops on Donkey, his muzzle tied with rope. He looks around nervously. He sees the witch carted off in a wagon with the dwarves. Hearing a cry, he turns to see Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear in cages. Baby Bear reaches for his mother as their cages are dragged apart.]
BABY BEAR: [sobbing] This cage is too small.
[Donkey turns to the old woman holding his rope.]
DONKEY: Please don't turn me in! I'll never be stubborn again. I can change, please give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN: Ah, shut up.
DONKEY: Ow!
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Next!
[Geppetto steps forward and plops Pinocchio down on the table.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: [continued] What have you got?
GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
[Pinocchio begins vibrating. His nose shoots out to five times its' previous length.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Five shillings for possessed toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO: Father please don't let them do this! Help me!
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Next! What have you got?
[The old woman drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table.]
OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
[The Captain looks up from his ledger.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Right. Well, that's goo for ten shillings if you can prove it.
[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old woman. The old woman begins to untie the rope from Donkey.]
OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead lil' fella.
[Donkey looks at the old woman, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts an eyebrow.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Well?
[Donkey looks back at the Captain saying nothing. The old woman begins to sweat.]
OLD WOMAN: [a bit nervous] Oh... Ah... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt! Talk!
[The old woman slaps Donkey.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN: No! He talks. He does.
[She grabs Donkey's lips and squeezes them.]
OLD WOMAN: [continued; pretending it's the Donkey] "I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw." [In ACME Night, the line is changed to "I'm the talkin'est thing you ever saw."]
[The Captain has had enough. He motions to his guards.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Get her out of my sight.
[The guards advance on the old woman and drag her off screaming.]
OLD WOMAN: [screaming] No! No! I swear! Let me go! He can talk! No, wait!
[As she struggles, the old woman accidentally kicks the caged Tinker Bell from Peter Pan's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. He's shocked at first, but smiles, realizing...]
DONKEY: Hey! I can fly!
[All heads turn to Donkey]
PETER PAN: He can fly!
PIGS: He can fly!
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: He can talk!
[A smiling Donkey begins floating upward, running in place like a reindeer.]
DONKEY: That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You mighta seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY FLY! Ha! Ha!
[As the pixie dust dissipates, Donkey realizes his predicament.]
DONKEY: [continued] Uh-oh.
[He falls hard right in front of the Captain.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Seize him! 
GUARD 4: After him! He's getting away!
[The guards all drive for Donkey, but he runs for all he's worth into the woods. The Captain and some of the guards take chase.]
[The camera closes on Donkey as trees whiz by. He looks over his shoulder. They're gaining. Then WHAM! Donkey barrels into Shrek.]
DONKEY: Oof!
[Shrek is hanging a 'Keep Out' sign, he looks down at Donkey. He and Shrek regard each other for a moment. Then the guards round the corner and stop at the sight of Shrek. Donkey darts behind the ogre.]
GUARD 5: Get him! This way! Turn!
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: [reluctant] You there! Ogre!
SHREK: Aye?!
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: By the order of Lord Farquaad, [becoming nervous] I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility...
[Shrek looks down at him.]
SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army?
[The Captain looks behind him. His men have deserted. Shrek just smiles.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: Ahh...
[The Captain makes tracks back to his encampment.]
[Shrek shrugs and walks off taking no notice of Donkey. Donkey smiles at his new hero and decides to follow.]
=== Donkey ===
[Shrek continues on his way, not noticing the little donkey following at a distance behind him, trying to work up the courage to speak. Whenever Shrek turns, the Donkey darts behind a tree. Finally, Shrek spins and sees him.]
DONKEY: [ingratiating] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really really something back there! Incredible!
[Shrek stops and turns.]
SHREK: [a little annoyed] Are you talking to -- me?
[Somehow, Donkey is gone. Shrek turns back. Donkey is right in front of him, beaming.]
DONKEY: [fast] Yes! I was talkin' to you. Can I just tell you, you was really great back there, man those guards they thought they was all that! Then you showed up and ...BAM! They were tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. See that, that really made me feel good to see that.
SHREK: Oh, that's great. [disinterested] Really.
DONKEY: Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK: Now why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends... Hmm?
DONKEY: But uh... I don't have any friends. And I am not going out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute I got a great idea, I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us!
[Shrek is finally fed up. He stops, a deep sigh then he turns on Donkey waving his arms and trying to scare him off, roaring in his face.]
SHREK: Rooooaarrrr!
[Donkey is terrified for a beat, then collects himself.]
DONKEY: [nervous laugh] Oh wow! That was really scary! And, if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cuz you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cuz your breath STINKS! Man! You almost burned the hair off my nose. Just like the time--
[Shrek grabs Donkey's muzzle holding it shut, but Donkey continues trying to talk nonetheless.]
DONKEY: [continued] -- mime mi benb binbo be moods manm mi mied bo mgo --
[Shrek lets go and tries to walk away but Donkey continues and follows.]
DONKEY: [continued] --and then I ate some rotten berries. Man, I had some strong gasses eekin' outta my butt that day!
[Shrek can't take it anymore he spins around to face the Donkey.]
SHREK: WHY... are you following me?
DONKEY: I'll tell you why.
[Shrek is speechless with horror as Donkey sings:]
DONKEY: [continued; to "You Gotta Have Friends"] 'Cos I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me! My problems have all gone; there's no one to deride meeeeee! Butcha gotta have friends--
SHREK: [cutting him off] Stop...singing!
[Donkey closes his mouth in shock.]
SHREK: [continued] Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
[Donkey looks at Shrek for a beat considering these words.]
DONKEY: Wow! Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
SHREK: Listen, little donkey, take a look at me. What am I?
[Donkey looks Shrek up and down.]
DONKEY: Ahhhh, really tall?
SHREK: No! I'm an ogre! You know -- "grab your torch and pitchforks"! Doesn't that bother you?
DONKEY: Nope.
SHREK: [a little surprised] Really?
DONKEY: Really, really.
[Shrek is suddenly disarmed.]
SHREK: Oh...?
DONKEY: Man -- I like you, what's your name?
SHREK: [hesitant] Ahh ...Shrek.
[Shrek turns and continues on his way.]
DONKEY: Shrek? [shakes it off] Well, you know what I like about you Shrek? You got that kind of "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that Shrek. You all right.
[They come to the crest of a hill, which slopes down into a large field. Beyond lies Shrek's house.]
=== Shrek Alone ===
[As Shrek and Donkey crest the hill and start down the winding path to the swamp, we start seeing signs: KEEP OUT, STAY AWAY, DANGER.]
[They come upon Shrek's place.]
DONKEY: Whooh! Look at that! Who'd want to live in a place like that?
SHREK: That would be my home.
[Shrek starts away. Donkey reacts and follows.]
DONKEY: [backpedaling] Oh, and it is LOVELY! Just beautiful! You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazin' what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at rock] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
[Shrek throws him a look. As they walk toward the house, Donkey notices the "Beware Ogre" signs.]
DONKEY: [continued; reaching] Yeah, I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK: I like my privacy.
[They reach Shrek's door.]
DONKEY: [nervous] You know I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in their face, and you try to give them a hint, and they won't leave, and then there's that big, awkward silence, you know.
[Shrek glares at Donkey. There's an awkward silence.]
DONKEY: [continued; beat; worried] Can I stay with you?
SHREK: [turns; stunned] Uh, what?
DONKEY: Can I stay with you... please?
[Shrek turns and smiles overly genuine, exaggerated friendliness.]
SHREK: Of course!
DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: [pleading] Please, I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
[Donkey climbs up in Shrek's face, hooves on his chest - totally overwhelming him.]
SHREK: OKAY! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY: Oh, thank you!
[Shrek turns and opens his door, shaking his head. Donkey charges into the hovel, starling Shrek.]
SHREK: Ahh...! What are you...? No, no, no!
[Donkey jumps up into Shrek's lounge chair, circles and then plops down making himself comfortable.]
DONKEY: Ah, this is gonna be fun! We can stay up late swapping manly stories - and in the morning I'm makin' WAFFLES.
SHREK: Ugh!
DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep?
[Shrek is too frustrated to even articulate. He points frantically outside.]
SHREK: [exasperated] OUTSIDE!
[Dejected, Donkey heads back out.]
DONKEY: [hurt] Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [sniff] Here I go. Good night.
[Shrek slams the in Donkey's face. He turns and looks regretfully at the door for a moment and sighs, but shakes it off.]
DONKEY: [o.s.; continued] I mean I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey, I was born outside. You know I'll just be sittin' by myself outside, I guess. You know. By myself, outside. [singing to himself] I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me...!
[Inside Shrek's house, Shrek prepares to dine alone. Donkey looks on from outside, lays down on Shrek's doorstep.]
=== Creatures Overrun Swamp ===
[Shrek is sitting at the dinner table eating, when he hears a noise. It sounds like his door opening.]
SHREK: [calling] I thought I told you to stay outside.
DONKEY: [o.s.; calling from outside] I am outside.
[Shrek hears skittering. A shadow flits by. He spins to look. Suddenly there is a crash and he whips around to see three blind mice stumbling around on his dinner table. Mouse 1 gestures as he peaks, knocking over Shrek's jar of eyeballs.]
MOUSE 1: Well gents it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
MOUSE 2: Well, it's not home but it'll do just fine.
[Mouse 2 trips and falls flat on his face. Shrek gasps and starts toward the table. Mouse 1 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. One of the blind mice named Gordo bounces on Shrek's squid.]
GORDO: What a lovely bed!
SHREK: Gotcha!
GORDO: I found some cheese!
[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out.]
GORDO: Blech! Awful stuff!
[The mice stumble around as Gordo jumps from the squid to a spoon, catapulting food into Shrek's face.]
MOUSE 1: Is that you Gordo?
GORDO: How did you know?
[Shrek suddenly scoops the mice off the dinner table.]
SHREK: Enough! What are you doing in my house?
[As Shrek turns to throw them out, he's hit by something from behind. Startled, Shrek drops the mice and they escape past the Seven Dwarves who have just shoved Snow White, in her glass coffin, onto the table.]
SHREK: [continued] Hey!
[The dwarf looks up and meets Shrek's eyes just as Shrek turns to the table.]
SHREK: [continued] Oh no, no, no, no, dead broad off the table!
[Shrek shoves the sarcophagus back at the dwarves.]
DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
SHREK: Huh?
[Confused Shrek rushes across the room and opens the bedroom door, revealing the Big Bad Wolf dressed in a nightie in Shrek's bed. Shrek stares in shock.]
BIG BAD WOLF: [beat] What?
[Shrek drags the Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of the neck.]
SHREK: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! [yells] What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!
[Shrek goes to throw the wolf out the front door. As he opens the door we rack focus over his shoulder to a teeming sea of fairy tale creatures. Shrek gets worried as he begins to register what he sees.]
SHREK: [continued] Oh no. Oh no. No, no, nooo!
[A woodstock-like morass of fairy tale creatures have filled the swamp. Refugee tents are everywhere; the Pied Piper camps with his rats next to the Old Lady Who Lives in a Show and her brood. The three bears huddle around a campfire with several of Santa's elves. Everywhere dwarves, fairies and unicorns have grouped around fires. The swamp is packed to the rafters.]
[Shocked and overwhelmed, Shrek is about to yell at the crowd when he is startled by a powerful roar, like approaching jets.]
SHREK: [continued; diving for cover] Ahhhh!
[Shrek hits the dirt as witches on broomsticks land like fighter pilots. An intense elf wearing ear protectors guides the airborne hags in with signal flags.]
[Shrek rises; fuming.]
SHREK: [struggling; frustrated] WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!?!
[Desperate to get the creatures off his land, Shrek tries to round them up as they run around in terror. The effort is futile; there are too many. Frustrated, Shrek's glare finds Donkey.]
SHREK: [continued] All right, get out of here! All of you, move it! Come on, let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
DWARF: Quickly. Come on!
SHREK: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.
DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
[Pinocchio is "volunteered" by a shove from behind.]
PINOCCHIO: Well gosh, no one invited us.
[Shrek wheels on him, intent on getting to the bottom of this.]
SHREK: [incredulous] What?!
PINOCCHIO: [frightened] We were forced to come here.
SHREK: By who?!
[One of the Three Little Pigs, Heimlich, speaks up.]
PIG 3: [German accent] Lord Farquaad! He huffed, und he puffed, und he -- signed an eviction notice.
[His brothers, Dieter and Horst nod their agreement.]
SHREK: All right, who knows where this... Farquaad guy is?
[The creatures looked dumbfounded. All except Donkey.]
DONKEY: [hopping up and down] Oh, I do! I know where he is!
SHREK: Does anyone else - know where to find him? Anyone at all. Anyone?
[The creatures point at different directions.]
[Donkey continues to leap up into Shrek's P.O.V.]
DONKEY: Me! Me! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Oh, I know, I know! Me, me!
SHREK: [sighs] Okay, fine. [yells] Attention all... Fairy tale things!
[The creatures fall into an uneasy silence.]
SHREK: Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this gut Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
CROWD: Yaaaayyyyyy!
[Like Munchkins surrounding Dorothy, the fairy tale characters cheer and celebrate Shrek as their hero. Birds drape the annoyed ogre in garlands. Shrek rolls his eyes.]
SHREK: [utterly frustrated grunt] Ugh! You! [pointing at Donkey] You're coming with me.
[Delighted to be included, Donkey stamps his feet in glee.]
DONKEY: All right, that's what I like to hear, man -- Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind, big city adventure. I love it!
[Donkey catches up to Shrek as he takes off in search of Farquaad and dances along side as they exit the swamp.]
DONKEY: [continued; singing] On the road again... Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get the road again...
SHREK: What did I say about singing?
DONKEY: Well, can I whistle?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: Well, can I hum it?
SHREK: All right. Hum it.
[Donkey continues to hum as they head into the forest to start their journey.]
=== Farquaad Intro ===
[The camera closes on a glass of milk being poured by Lord Farquaad's torturer, Thelonious. Intercut with the large as life Lord Farquaad striding in slow-motion through the halls of DuLoc Castle. Farquaad enters, Thelonious has his back to us.]
GINGY: [o.s.] No!!! Ahhhh! Bbbblbbblbbbl.
LORD FARQUAAD: That's enough. He's ready to talk.
[Thelonious spins around revealing he has been torturing the Gingerbread Man, Gingy. Close on the table, as Gingy is thrown down on a cooking tray. Gingy coughs and hacks. Farquaad strolls up to the executioner, revealing that he is only about four-and-a-half feet. He approaches a table in the center of the room, his hat just visible above the table.]
LORD FARQUAAD: [laughing menacingly] He he heh heh heh... [clears throat]
[The table is lowered mechanically revealing Farquaad.]
LORD FARQUAAD: [continued] Run, run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me -- I'm the Gingerbread Man!
GINGY: You're a monster.
LORD FARQUAAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of the fairy tale trash poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?!
GINGY: Eat me!
[Gingy spits milk in Farquaad's face. Farquaad slowly wipes it off.]
LORD FARQUAAD: [through clenched teeth] I've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll--
[Farquaad leans over, reaching for Gingy's buttons.]
GINGY: No, no, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
LORD FARQUAAD: All right then, who's hiding them?!
GINGY: [broken] Okay... I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
LORD FARQUAAD: The Muffin Man?
GINGY: The Muffin Man.
LORD FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane?
GINGY: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.
LORD FARQUAAD: The Muffin Man!?
GINGY: [screams] THE MUFFIN MAN!
LORD FARQUAAD: [thoughtful, to himself] She's married to the Muffin Man.
[The dungeon doors burst open and suddenly the captain of the guards approaches.]
CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS: My lord, we found it.
LORD FARQUAAD: [eagerly] Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror.]
ALL: [awestruck] Ahhhh...
GINGY: Ohhh...
LORD FARQUAAD: Magic Mirror...
GINGY: Don't tell him anything!
[Farquaad violently swipes Gingy from the table into a metal flip-flop waste bin.]
GINGY: [continued] No!
[Farquaad turns to the Magic Mirror ominously, them smiles.]
LORD FARQUAAD: [brightly] Evening!
[Farquaad approaches the mirror.]
LORD FARQUAAD: [continued] Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
MAGIC MIRROR: Well, technically you're not a king.
LORD FARQUAAD: Ah, Thelonious...
[Thelonious holds up a small hand mirror and crushes it. Magic Mirror catches his own mistake.]
LORD FARQUAAD: You were saying...
MAGIC MIRROR: [scrambling, trying to recover] What I mean is you're not a king yet... but you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
[Farquaad glares, Thelonious leans in, menacingly.]
LORD FARQUAAD: Go on.
MAGIC MIRROR: [game show host] So just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And heeeerree they are!
[Herb Albert's Tijuana Taxi kicks in. Magic Mirror gestures to one side and camera pans to reveal three shadowy portraits of Cinderella, Snow White and Princess Fiona. Camera shows portrait of Cinderella.]
MAGIC MIRROR: [continued] Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking cleaning for her two evil sisters! Please welcome, Cinderella!
[Light shifts reveal Cinderella. Camera then shows portrait of Snow White.]
MAGIC MIRROR: [continued] Bachelorette number two is a cape wearing girl the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy! Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is! Come on, give it up for Snow White!
[Light pops on revealing Snow White. Camera then shows portrait of Princess Fiona.]
MAGIC MIRROR: [continued] And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery red-head from a dragon guarded castle, surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol, who like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing... Princess Fiona!
[Lights pop on revealing Princess Fiona.]
MAGIC MIRROR: So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS: 1 3 1 2 3 2 1 2 3 2 1 2 3 1 3 1 2 3 3 1 2!
LORD FARQUAAD: 1, 2, 3, um 1, 3, um...
THELONIOUS: Three. [holds up two fingers] Pick number three, my lord.
LORD FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uuuhhh... Number three!
MAGIC MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen... Princess Fiona.
[Camera closes on the portrait of Fiona as the Pina Colada song kicks in. There is wild audience applause and Farquaad is ecstatic. Captivated by Fiona, Farquaad turns away, lost in thought.]
LORD FARQUAAD: [dreamy] Princess Fiona. She's perfect. [thinking] All I have to do is just find someone to go...
MAGIC MIRROR: [interrupting] But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at midnight.
LORD FARQUAAD: [to himself] I'll do it.
MAGIC MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset...
LORD FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my Queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect King! [snaps his finger to the Captain] Captain, assemble your finest men, we're going to have a tournament!
=== DuLoc ===
[Shrek and Donkey emerge from the cornfield by the gates of DuLoc. They look up at Farquaad's tower, erected in the center of the city, looking above them.]
DONKEY: Well that's it, that's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told you I'd find it.
SHREK: [distaste] So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle?
DONKEY: Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something.
[Shrek laughs to himself and looks towards Donkey to share his joke. Donkey continues looking at the tower, tilting his head from side to side trying to make sense of Shrek's comment. Shrek heads off towards the gate.]
DONKEY: Hey wait, wait up Shrek!
[Donkey takes off after Shrek, who's passing through a parking lot dotted with carts. Signs on stanchions read, "You Are Parked in Lancelot, 17" and "You Are Parked in Percival 12". Donkey catches up, breathless.]
[Donkey stops as they reach the entrance, a velvet rope crowd-control maze, and see a life-size cut-out of Lord Farquaad waving; a sign reads "45 minutes wait from here".]
SHREK: Hey, you!
[The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.] 
SHREK: [continued; irritated] Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just- I just... [exasperated sigh]
[Donkey trots into the maze. Shrek watches in bemusement, then lumbers right through the ropes. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc. At the far end is a turnstile; Donkey follows Shrek through, and gets stuck.]
[They stop and look around. Music plays from a medieval speakers. A booth features Farquaad figurine souvenirs. The place is deserted.]
SHREK: [looking around] It's quiet, too quiet. Where is everybody?
[Donkey spots a Mall style 'Information' booth with a large handle on the side that says "Pull."]
DONKEY: Hey, look at this!
[Donkey rushes over and pulls the lever. The device starts to click...then clunks into action. The doors fly open revealing rows of perfect little wooden dolls who start to sing.]
CLOCKWORK CHORUS: ♪ Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town ♪ Here we have some rules, let us lay them down ♪ Don't make waves, stay in line ♪ And we'll get along fine ♪ Duloc is a perfect place! ♪ Please keep off of the grass ♪ Shine your shoes, wipe your... face ♪ Duloc is, Duloc is ♪ Duloc is a perfect place! ♪
[The doors close. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. Shrek and Donkey are a little stunned.]
DONKEY: Wow! Let's do that again!! [makes ready to run over and pull the lever again]
SHREK: [grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still] No! No, no, no, no... No.
[Shrek and Donkey hear trumpets and cheers. They turn to see a stadium.]
=== Tournament ===
[Immersed in shadow, Shrek and Donkey head for the light at the end of the tunnel. Off screen we can faintly hear Farquaad's proclamations to a large crowd.]
LORD FARQUAAD: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest...
[Over this, Donkey loudly hums the "Welcome to DuLoc" tune.]
SHREK: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY: [stops] Sorry about that.
[The crowd cheers and Shrek and Donkey turn and continue. They approach the tunnel exit and emerge into the brilliant light, the stadium stretching out before them. Lord Farquaad stands in a high podium, basking in applause a la "Evita."]
[Shrek looks around in amazement at the large crowd of people applauding. Cue cards are held up to the crowd. The cards read: CHEERS, APPLAUSE. Between Shrek and Farquaad stands a contingent of knights.]
LORD FARQUAAD: That champion shall have the honor - no, no - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. [big] Let the tournament begin!
[Shrek marches forward. The perfect rows of knights part in shock. Shrek stands defiantly. Donkey, next to him, imitates the stance as best as he can. The crowd gasps. Farquaad sees Shrek and starts --]
LORD FARQUAAD: [horrified] What is that? Ugh! It's hideous!
[Shrek looks annoyed but quickly recovers.]
SHREK: [admonishing] Ah, that's not very nice. [indicates Donkey] It's just a donkey.
[Farquaad appears to consider for a moment.]
FARQUAAD: [beat] Indeed. [to the knights] Knights! new plan. The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!
[Every warrior turns toward Shrek. Shrek's eyes widen. He backs up as the warriors start toward him, drawing weapons.]
SHREK: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
[Shrek backs up into a serving table in front of several huge kegs of ale. Shrek glances towards kegs and the table, then lifts a glass of beer.]
WOMAN: Go ahead and get him!
SHREK: Can't we just settle this over a pint?
MAN: Kill the beast!
[The warriors continue to advance, brandishing weapons.]
SHREK: [sarcastic] No? [forceful] All right then. [drinks the beer] Come on!
[The warriors surge forward with various battle cries. Shrek whirls and knocks spigots off the kegs with his glass.]
[Ale geysers out knocking over knights and soaking into the dirt, turning it into mud. The warriors start slipping and sliding, legs going out from under them, unable to get their footing.]
[Shrek smiles and skates through the mud field like a hockey player while knights slip and slide around him. The tournament grounds become a virtual WWF match. As the match continues, the crowd begins to root for Shrek as he performs wrestling moves on the knights. Donkey joins in.]
DONKEY: Hey, Shrek! Tag me! Tag me!
[Shrek tags Donkey and holds a knight while Donkey head butts him. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.]
SHREK: Yeah!
[A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him.]
OLD LADY: The chair! Give him the chair!
[Shrek crashes a folded chair over a downed knight. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.]
[Shrek and Donkey flex triumphantly for the ecstatic crowd as Farquaad watches on intrigued.]
SHREK: Oh, yeah! Aaaahh! AAAAAAAHHHH! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Hahahaha!
[The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek.]
HEAD GUARD: Shall I give the order, sir?
LORD FARQUAAD: No, I have a better idea. [to the crowd, announcing] People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!
[The people cheer louder for Shrek.]
SHREK: What?
LORD FARQUAAD: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
SHREK: [disbelief] Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD: Your swamp?
SHREK: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD: [thinks] Indeed. [offers] All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK: Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK: And the squatters?
FARQUAAD: As good as gone.
[Shrek considers this for a moment. The guards look at each other.]
SHREK: What kind of quest?
=== Ogres and Onions ===
[Shrek and Donkey walk through a sunflower field.]
DONKEY: Okay, let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue the princess, just so Farquaad will give you back your swamp, which you don't have 'cuz he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
SHREK: You know what, maybe there's a good reason Donkeys shouldn't talk.
[They walk on together. Shrek starts munching on an onion.]
DONKEY: I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread? You know, the whole ogre trip.
SHREK: [sarcastic] Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY: Ah... no, not really, no.
SHREK: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY: Example?
[As Shrek searches for an example he notices the vegetables he's still carrying.]
SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. [holds out onion]
DONKEY: [sniffs the onion] They stink?
SHREK: Yes - no!
DONKEY: Or they make you cry?
SHREK: No!
DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs?
SHREK: NO! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers... you get it! We both have layers.
[Shrek throws the onion on the ground. He walks off.]
DONKEY: Oh, you both have layers?. Oh... [sniffs the onion] ...you know, not everybody likes onions. CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
SHREK: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres... are not... like cakes!
DONKEY: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "hey let's get some parfait," they say, "hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK: NO! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
[Shrek walks off leaving Donkey momentarily speechless, but only momentarily.]
DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet... [In ACME Night, the line is changed to "Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole planet...]
SHREK: You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobberin'.
[They head off.]
=== Humming Montage ===
[There is a montage of their journey to the tune of "I'm on my way." Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. Shrek and Donkey tromp across the DuLoc countryside towards the Dragon's keep.]
=== Bridge ===
[Shrek and Donkey move across a burnt landscape marked by charred trees.]
DONKEY: [sniffs] Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [stops and sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.
[A huge 'devil's peak' rises above them. Dark clouds scud across the sky, foreboding. Shrek and Donkey pull themselves up and look. The Dragon's keep stands before them a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened, perched on a rock pinnacle over a lake boiling molten lava.]
SHREK: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.
[Shrek chuckles to himself and continues on towards the bridge. Donkey stares fearfully at the chasm then gingerly trots after Shrek.]
DONKEY: Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that-that ogres have layers?
SHREK: Oh, aye?
DONKEY: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make.
[Donkey comes upon a horse skull impaled on a bridge support at eye level, and starts.]
DONKEY: [continued; gasps] Donkeys don't have layers. We-we wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
[Donkey comes level with Shrek at the foot of the bridge.]
SHREK: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY: You know what I mean.
SHREK: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
[Donkey peers tentatively over the edge.]
DONKEY: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!
SHREK: [faux support] Come on, Donkey, I'm right here beside ya, okay? For... emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.
DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: Really, really.
DONKEY: [hesitant] Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
[Donkey gingerly steps out onto the bridge. Shrek follows. Donkey picks his way among the flimsy stats.]
SHREK: Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.
[Donkey steps on a slat that gives way and drops into the boiling molt. He can't help but see through the opening.]
DONKEY: [continued] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! AAAH!
[Donkey spins around in place]
DONKEY: [continued] Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!
SHREK: [starting to get irritated] But you're already halfway.
DONKEY: Yeah, but I know that half is safe!
SHREK: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
[Shrek tries to get past Donkey but the bridge is too narrow. As they struggle, the bridges starts to struggle and sway.]
DONKEY: [miscellaneous struggling] Shrek! No. Wait.
SHREK: Just, Donkey, come on.... let's have a dance then, shall we? Donkey, come on.
[Donkey jumps back over the missing board.]
DONKEY: AHH! Don't do that!
[Donkey jumps back away from Shrek, in the direction Shrek wants him to go. Shrek sees an opportunity.]
SHREK: Oh, I'm sorry, do what? Oh.... this?
[Shrek starts to swing the bridge again.]
DONKEY: Yes! That!
SHREK: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
[Shrek starts shaking the bridge violently, causing Donkey to back further across in terror. Shrek propels the hysterical Donkey step by step.]
DONKEY: AHH!!!! NO, SHREK!!! NO!! STOP IT!
SHREK: [over Donkey's pleas] YOU SAID "DO IT"! I'M DOIN' IT.
DONKEY: Oh, God, I’m gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, Shrek, I'm gonna die...
[As Donkey screams, eyes closed, he continues to back up unaware he's reaches the other side of the bridge. His eyes pop open and he looks down at solid ground.]
DONKEY: [continued] Ohhh!
[Shrek leans in gently pats Donkey on the cheek.]
SHREK: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
[Donkey looks back over the bridge, then gratefully at Shrek.]
DONKEY: Cool.
[They both walk towards the enormous castle doors.]
DONKEY: [continued; new found confidence] So where is this fire-breathin' pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. [chuckles]
DONKEY: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
=== The Dragon's Keep ===
[Shrek and Donkey move through the spooky keep. Shrek's wary. Donkey's very nervous.]
DONKEY: [whispers; nervous] You afraid?
SHREK: [not whispering] No... But - SHH!
[Shrek walks away, Donkey suddenly notices he's gone and runs to catch up.]
DONKEY: Oh good, me neither. Agh! [he catches up then hears a noise off screen.] ‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little scared. I sure as heck ain’t no coward. I know that. [Donkey falls suddenly into a pile of knight bones and armor.]
[A helmet falls onto Donkey's head. Shrek removes the helmet and puts it on himself.]
SHREK: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut - up. [points] Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
DONKEY: Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for the princess.
SHREK: [putting on a helmet] The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
DONKEY: What makes you think she’ll be there?
SHREK: I read it in a book once. [Shrek walks away]
DONKEY: Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle the stairs.
[Shrek moves away, down a corridor. Donkey watches him go, then heads the other way.]
DONKEY: [continued; to himself.] Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll whup their butt, too. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. Gonna take drastic steps. Kick em' to the curb. Don't mess with me, I'm the stair master, I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here, now, I's step all over it.
[On Shrek at other end of the corridor. Through a window, he can see a slender tower wrapped in a staircase and connected to the keep by a bridge.]
SHREK: [to himself] Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where’s the--
[On Donkey, who finds himself eyeball to eyeball with the dragon. Donkey runs away.]
DONKEY: DRAGON!!! Ahhhhhhhh!!! [Dodging Dragon's tail] Whaaaaaa...
[Shrek turns to see Donkey headed for him at a gallop, a fireball right behind him. Donkey races past. Shrek follows.]
SHREK: Donkey! - Look Out!
DONKEY: Whooooaaaa! Ahhhh!
[Shrek grabs Donkey and jumps out of the fireball's way, saving Donkey. They run into the tall tower. A beat. They shoot out again, Donkey leading the way, another fireball chasing them. Shrek leaps to one side and lets the fireball rocket past. Donkey runs onto the bridge, then flattens himself. The fireball passes over him, singeing the tuft of his tail.]
[On the dragon roaring. It takes off after Donkey. Shrek leaps from the tower, landing on the dragon's huge tail.]
SHREK: Gotcha. Whoaaa! Whoaaa! Whoaaa!
[The dragon whips its tail, sending Shrek hurtling right through the wall of the tower. Shrek crashes through the stone wall and lands outside a bed chamber, semiconscious. The dragon uses is tail to smash through the bridge like a wrecking ball, cutting off Donkey's escape.]
DONKEY: Whoaaaa!!!!
[Donkey turns, but the tail cuts through the bridge again.]
DONKEY: [continued] Whaaa, wup, wooo.
[Donkey is trapped atop a single column. The dragon closes in on Donkey, its menacing silhouette looming through the smoke.]
DONKEY: [continued; petrified] No...Don't... Oh no -- oh - [blurts] -- oh what large teeth you have!
[Curious, the dragon growls and glares, moving on. Desperate, Donkey searches.]
DONKEY: [continued] I mean white, sparkling teeth!
[The dragon pauses curious, then smiles. Donkey seizes the opportunity.]
DONKEY: [continued] I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, ‘cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. And do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
[The dragon smiles and peers at Donkey. It's wary. but intrigues. Donkey sees this and presses. As the dragon steps slowly forward into the light.]
DONKEY: [continued; warming up to it.] And you know what else, you know what else... you're--
[The dragon leans in and leers seductively.]
DONKEY: [continued; realizing] --a girl dragon! Oh, suuure -- I mean, of course you're a girl dragon! 'Cause you're just reekin' of feminine beauty.
[The dragon bats its eyelashes, which are rather long.]
DONKEY: [continued] What’s the matter with you? You got something in your eye?
[The dragon blows a heart shaped smoke rings.]
DONKEY: [continued] Hey, oh. [to the dragon] Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay, but you know, I’m, uh… [coughs] I’m an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna blow smoke rings. SHREK!
[The dragon purrs and lifts donkey by his tail. She carries him off to her lair as Donkey calls for help.]
DONKEY: [continued] Aaaa.... No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
===Fiona===
[Shrek crashed through the wall and lands, woozy. Unseen by him, Princess Fiona peeks from her canopy bed and sees what appears to be a knight struggling to his feet. She flops gracefully onto the bed and straightens her dress. After a beat, she grabs a bouquet, clutches it to her breast, and resumes her Sleeping beauty pose. Shrek enters, visor lowered. He crosses to her bed and leans toward Fiona. She puckers up her lips slightly. Shrek bends over her, and grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her.]
FIONA: [being shaken] Oh, oh...
SHREK: Wake up!
FIONA: What?
SHREK: Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA: [recovering] I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
SHREK: Oh, that’s nice. Now let’s go!
[Shrek turns to leave. Fiona bolts upright, desparate.]
FIONA: [desparate] But wait, Sir Knight. [with a flourish] This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?
[Shrek crosses back to Fiona, grabbing her by the arm as he hauls her away...]
SHREK: Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.
FIONA: Hey, wait. What are you doing?
[...and drags her across the room. He stops at the door, it's locked. Shrek jiggles the handle.]
FIONA: [continued] You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK: [dryly] You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?
FIONA: [smiles] Mm-hmm.
[The door flies open as Shrek crashes through dragging Fiona behind him.]
FIONA: Arggghhhh! Ugh! [collects herself; on the run] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad, a sonnet! A limerick... [jerks free] ...or something!
SHREK: I don’t think so.
[They stop for a moment as Shrek tries to figure which way to go.]
FIONA: Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK: Um...Shrek.
FIONA: Sir Shrek. [clears throat and holds out a handkerchief] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
[Shrek regards the cloth curiously then wipes his sooty brow with the cloth, blackening and soiling it. He hands it back to Fiona.]
SHREK: Thanks!
[Before Fiona can react, she hears -- o.s. the dragon roars. Fiona starts in shock. Shrek turns to the sound...]
FIONA: You didn't slay the dragon?!
SHREK: It's on my "to-do" list, now c'mon!
[He grabs her arm and hauls her around a corner, down stairs and enter...]
FIONA: [running] Ahh! But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying....! That's what all the other knights did!
SHREK: [indicating a knight skeleton] Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
[Fiona pulls free from Shrek, but Shrek continues running. Fiona is indignant as they pass a skeleton of one of the unfortunate victims.]
FIONA: [pulls free and stops] You know that's not the point! [stops short] Ugh! Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there!
SHREK: Well, I have to save my ass. [In ACME Night, the line is changed to "Well, I have to save my donkey."]
FIONA: [shocked] Ahhh! What kind of knight are you?
[Shrek carefully opens the door.]
SHREK: [over his shoulder] One of a kind.
[Shrek stealthily exits.]
===Escape===
[Shrek enters to see the dragon sitting atop a large pile of gems and jewels, glittering like a colorful disco lights show. Donkey is held in the dragon's coiled tail desparately trying to talk his way out of a romantic situation, as she prepares for a night of love. The dragon lights a candelabra over her head and draws the curtains.]
DONKEY: So slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down baby please. Look, I believe it’s healthy to get to know someone, over you know, a long period of time. I mean just call me old-fashioned, you know. Ha! I don’t want to rush into a physical relationship. I’m not emotionally ready for a commitment of, ah, this, ah-- Magnitude really is the word I’m looking for. Magnitude.... [she caresses him under his chin] Ah! Hey, that is unwanted physical contact!
[Shrek see an opportunity, climbing over the wall he takes hold of the chain that leads to the candelabra. All the while Donkey is still trying to play for time.]
DONKEY: [continued] Hey! What are you doing?! Okay, okay, okay look, let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as-as friends or maybe even as pen pals. You know 'cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards that reads... [she licks him] Oh! Hey! You know, I-I really love to stay but....
[As Shrek swings down we hear off screen.]
DONKEY: [continued] Hey, hey, hey, Don't do that! That's my tail, that's my personal tail, well you're gonna tear it off! I don't give permission to--
[Unnoticed by Dragon and Donkey, Shrek reaches the apex of his swing and reaches out, but passes by -- way too high. He swings backwards and forwards until he reaches a stop directly above Donkey.]
DONKEY: [continued] Hey, what are you gonna do with that?! Oh no you ain't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh! Oof!
[Shrek looks up to where the chain is jammed and starts shaking it to try and free the pulley.]
[The dragon purses her lips and comes in for a kiss -- suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek falls, landing directly on Donkey and popping him through the dragon's coils. Shrek takes the kiss right on the butt.]
[Surprised, Shrek lets go of the chain which immediately reels upwards as the candelabra comes down. The dragon is even more surprised and rears up - pissed - just as the candelabra falls, collaring her. Shrek grabs Donkey and runs.]
[The dragon takes chase with the chain unreeling behind her. As Shrek passes the Princess he picks her up too, while the dragon blasts fireballs behind them. Donkey looks up at the Princess.]
FIONA: Oooh!
DONKEY: Hi princess!
FIONA: [to Donkey] It talks!
SHREK: [good natured] Yeah -- it's getting to shut up that's the trick!
DONKEY: Shrek!
[Shrek laughs as they begin to slide down the column. They hit a break in the column.]
FIONA: Hey!
SHREK: Ugh!
[They land and run into the entrance hall. Shrek starts weaving in and out of the pillars as the dragon chases, causing the chain to weave a cat's cradle behind her. Shrek stops and puts Fiona and Donkey down.]
SHREK: [continued] Okay you two, head for the exit.
[Shrek grabs a sword from a nearby knight skeleton and looks determined.]
SHREK: [continued] I'll take care of the dragon.
[Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragon's neck.]
SHREK: [echoing; distorted] RUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
[They all run across the bridge as a fireball sweeps after them, burning the bridge behind them as they cross. The bridge swings away to the other side and Fiona and Shrek hang on. Donkey can't get a grip and falls, Shrek catches him by the tail, just in time.]
[Suddenly the dragon bursts through the flames flying straight at them. They all scream but just then Shrek's plan kicks in, the chain pulls tight and she snaps back and out of sight.]
[Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey all take a deep breath and start the climb to the top of the bridge which now resembles a rope ladder.]
===Remove Helmet===
[Shrek hauls Fiona, and Donkey over the edge of the cliff and onto safe ground.]
FIONA: [enthusiastic, natural] You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing, you're... you're wonderful, you're...
[Shrek and Donkey climb up behind Fiona. She turns, seeing them looking very disheveled.]
FIONA: [continued; confused] ...a little unorthodox I'll admit, but... [regains her poise] ...thy deed is great and thine heart is pure. [curtsies] I am eternally in your debt.
[Shrek enjoys the attention.]
DONKEY: [slighted] Ahem.
[Fiona reaches down, squeezing Donkey's face like one would squeeze a puppy.]
FIONA: And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
DONKEY: Alright, I hope you heard that. She called me a "noble steed". She thinks I'm a steed.
FIONA: [giggles] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good sir knight.
SHREK: Ahhh...No.
FIONA: Why not?
SHREK: I...I have helmet hair.
FIONA: [coyly] Please, I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
[She playfully tries to peek under his visor. He shoos her away.]
SHREK: Oh no, you wouldn't....t'st.
FIONA: [giggles] But-- how will you kiss me?
[Donkey and Shrek trade a bemused look.]
SHREK: What? That wasn't in the job description.
DONKEY: Maybe it's a perk.
FIONA: No, it’s destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes: A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love’s first kiss.
DONKEY: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?
FIONA: Well...yes.
[Both Donkey and Shrek exchange a look, then burst out laughing.]
DONKEY: You think Shrek is your true love! Ha ha ha ha! [cracks himself up; even move laughter]
FIONA: What is so funny?
SHREK: [tries to stop laughing] Let’s just say I’m not your type, okay.
FIONA: [losing patience] Of course you are. You’re my rescuer. Now... Now remove your helmet.
SHREK: [warning] Look. I really don’t think this is a good idea.
FIONA: Just take off the helmet.
SHREK: I’m not going to.
FIONA: Take it off!
SHREK: No!
FIONA: [cuts him off] NOW!
SHREK: [you asked for it] Okay! Easy. As your command, Your Highness...
[Shrek removes his helmet. Fiona stares at him blankly, confused but not frightened. Shrek smiles.]
FIONA: You... You’re a... an ogre?
SHREK: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
FIONA: Well yes, actually... Oh no. This is all wrong. You’re not supposed to be an ogre.
[Shrek gives her a long suffering look, he's heard this a little too often.]
SHREK: [sighs, a little irritated] Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.
[Fiona looks up surprised.]
FIONA: Well then why didn’t he come rescue me?
SHREK: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
FIONA: But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and hi-hi-his pet.
[Fiona storms off. Shrek and Donkey share a look.]
DONKEY: Well, so much for noble steed.
[Shrek glares at Donkey then marches after Fiona annoyed.]
SHREK: [to Fiona] Look Princess, you’re not making my job any easier.
FIONA: Well, I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting for him right here. [Fiona plonks down on the ground determined. Shrek gets an equally determined look.]
SHREK: [sardonic] Hey! I’m no one’s messenger boy, alright. [ominous] I'm a delivery boy. [He advances on her to pick her up.]
FIONA: [casually; furiously] You wouldn't dare.
[Shrek would dare. He picks the Princess up and flings her over his shoulder into a fireman's carry.]
FIONA: [screams] Agghhhh! Put me down! Agh!
SHREK: [casually; over his shoulder] You coming, Donkey?
DONKEY: Oh yep! I'm right behind you.
FIONA: [kicking and screaming; throwing a fit] Put me down or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified, PUT ME DOWN! Agghhhh!
===What's Up with Fiona===
[Shrek is still carrying Fiona over his shoulder, but by now, she's adjusted to her new position in life. She and Donkey are chatting.]
DONKEY: Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten? How you do that?
FIONA: You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your...
[Shrek gives Fiona a deliberate readjustment that sends her bouncing and cuts her off.]
FIONA: [continued; to Shrek] Ooof! Hey! [to Donkey; annoyed] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.
DONKEY: Oh, yeah. You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
FIONA: And what of my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What’s he like?
[Shrek notices a nearby pond. He dumps Fiona unceremoniously on the ground and moves to the pond to wash up.]
SHREK: [with a smile to Donkey] Well, let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in "short" supply.
DONKEY: [chuckles; joins in] I dunno, Shrek -- There are those who think a "little" of him!
[They both break up]
FIONA: Stop it! Stop it, both of you!
[After a beat, Shrek regains control of himself.]
FIONA: [continued] You know, you’re just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad!
[Shrek finishes washing up and heads back. Shrek and Donkey walk past Fiona and continue on their way.]
SHREK: Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
[Fiona stops cold.]
FIONA: [blurts out; panicked] Tomorrow?! [She looks back over her shoulder at the setting sun.] It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
SHREK: No, that’ll take longer. [he turns and continues.] We can keep going.
FIONA: [agitated; searching] But there’s… robbers in the woods!
DONKEY: [worried; tense] Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp definitely is starting to sound good.
SHREK: [interrupt; sarcastic] Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.
[Shrek turns and continues walking. Fiona jumps in front of Shrek, blocking him. Frustrated.]
FIONA: [yells; cuts him off again] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!
[Shrek and Donkey stop in their tracks a little taken aback by her outburst. They exchange glances that indicate their surprise.]
[We hear a loud noise and slit of light cuts into the screen. Reveal that Shrek is rolling a large boulder from the mouth of he cave. Shrek calls to the others....]
SHREK: Hey! Over here!
[They join him.]
DONKEY: [admonishing] Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a princess.
[Fiona is more concerned with the approaching sunset. She grows more urgent.]
FIONA: No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
[Looking into the cave, Shrek rolls his eyes.]
SHREK: [sarcastic; indignant] Homey touches? Like what?
[Suddenly off screen Shrek and Donkey hear a huge ripping sound and look up. Fiona pulls some bark off a nearby tree with surprising strength. Shrek and Donkey watch in dumb amazement.]
FIONA: [duh] ...a door
[Fiona looks again at the sun, she fakes a yawn and covers her urgency and heaves the door over to the cave.
FIONA: [continued] Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
[Fiona slams the door behind her. Shrek and Donkey look at each other puzzled.]
DONKEY: Um, you want me to come in there and read you a bedtime story? 'Cause I will.
FIONA: [off-screen, hollering] I said GOOD NIGHT!
[Shrek and Donkey look at each other in amazement. Then, Shrek leans over to the boulder he previously rolled away - he starts as if to push it back over the cave.]
DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing?
SHREK: [laughs] I just... You know... Oh, come o-- I was just kidding.
===Campfire===
[Shrek and Donkey lie on their backs around the campfire. Gazing at the stars.]
SHREK: And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.
[Donkey cocks his head from side to side, closes one eye - obviously he doesn't see it.
DONKEY: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
SHREK: Well, the stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. [points] Look, there’s Bloodnut, the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he’s famous for!
DONKEY: Alright, now I know you’re making this up.
SHREK: No, look.
[Shrek traces with his finger. Donkey is giving it his all, but he can't see it.
SHREK: [continued] There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away from his stench.
DONKEY: Man, it ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots!
SHREK: [a little irritated] You know Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmmm? [off Donkey's blank look] Forget it.
[They lie silent for a while, Donkey contemplating the stars and Shrek.]
DONKEY: [sighs, looks at stars] Hey, Shrek. What we gonna do, when we get our swamp anyway?
SHREK: Our swamp?
DONKEY: You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.
SHREK: We? Donkey, there’s no "we". There’s no "our". There’s just me and my swamp. The first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
DONKEY: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [pause, gathers himself] You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
SHREK: No, d'ya think?
DONKEY: Are you hidin' something?
SHREK: [warning] Never mind, Donkey.
DONKEY: Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?
SHREK: No, this is one of those "drop-it-and-leave-it alone" things.
DONKEY: Why don’t you want to talk about it?
SHREK: Why do you WANT to talk about it?
DONKEY: Why are you blocking?
SHREK: I’m not blocking!
DONKEY: Oh yes you are.
SHREK: [really getting angry] Donkey, I’m warning you...
DONKEY: Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek, who?
SHREK: [jumps to his feet and loses it] EVERYONE, OKAY?!
[Angle on silhouette of Fiona, seen peeking around the cave door, as she listens to Shrek. A beat.]
DONKEY: Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere! 
SHREK: Oh, for the love of Pete!
[Shrek walks to the edge of the bluff, sitting staring out away from Donkey.]
DONKEY: Hey, what’s your problem, Shrek? What you got against the whole world anyway?
SHREK: Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay? It’s the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. [beat] That’s why I’m better off alone.
[In the shade of the cave we can make out Fiona eyes listening, she seems sympathetic.]
[At the campfire, Shrek and Donkey see none of this. Donkey stares at Shrek silent for a moment. Donkey walks over to Shrek, the two of them Silhouetted against the starry sky.]
DONKEY: You know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
[Shrek glares down at him, then softens.]
SHREK: [almost a grunt] Yeah, I know.
[A beat. Donkey smiles.]
DONKEY: So, uh, are there any Donkeys up there?
SHREK: Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small...and Annoying.
[Camera pulls back wide on them in them bluff.]
DONKEY: [pretending to see] Okay, okay, I see it now...yeah, the big shiny one, right there. That one there?
SHREK: That's the moon.
DONKEY: Oh...oh, okay.
===In Bed With Farquaad===
[We pan across a collection of Royal 'His and Her' things. Towels, gilded coffee mugs, crowns...etc. All the time we can hear Farquaad.]
FARQUAAD: Again, show me again.
[The pan continues onto Farquaad lying in bed, under the covers (but with his hands visible from the waste up) naked and hairy, with a martini in his hands.]
FARQUAAD: [continued] Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
MIRROR: Hmmph...
[We cut to the mirror showing again the image of Fiona in the tower, beautiful.]
FARQUAAD: [continued] Ahhhh, perfect.
===Morning Ritual===
[Fiona is making her way Snow White-like through the forest, marvelling at the nature that surrounds her. Playing the perfect princess, she begins to sing.]
FIONA: ♪ La, ah, ahhh, la la la laaaaa. ♪
[A small blue bird pops out of the nest onto a nearby banch, shakes of the morning dew and replies.]
BLUEBIRD: ♪ Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheeeep! ♪
[Fiona smiles and waltzes over to it.]
FIONA: ♪ La, ah, ahhh, la la la laaaaa. ♪
[The bird twits back, mimicking her tune again.]
BLUEBIRD: ♪ Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheeeep! ♪
[Fiona sings a little challenge.]
FIONA: ♪ La, la, Laaaaaa ♪
[The bird follows, going higher.]
BLUEBIRD: ♪ Cheep, cheep, cheeeep! ♪
[Overjoyed, Fiona sings louder and higher, holding the last horrible note.]
FIONA: ♪ La, la, Laaaaaaaa ---- ♪
[Close on the bird, trembling, eyes bulging as it starts to shake and convulse. Close on Fiona still holding the note. Suddenly off screen we hear a loud POP and little blue feathers drift into frame. Fiona is startled, she looked guiltily at the eggs left in the nest.]
[Close on the eggs frying on a rock skillet. Shrek sniffs and stirs awake. He looks up to see Fiona cooking the eggs over the open fire. Surprised and Impressed he rouses Donkey to show him]
DONKEY: [dreaming] Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.
SHREK: [stage whisper] Donkey, wake up.
DONKEY: Huh? What?
SHREK: Wake up.
DONKEY: [yawns] What?
[Shrek indicates Fiona and they both look at her puzzled. Fiona notices that they're awake.]
FIONA: [a little nervous] Good morning. How do you like your eggs?
DONKEY: Good morning, Princess!
SHREK: [puzzled/perplexed] What's all this about?
FIONA: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. [ She places the sizzling eggs down in front of Shrek.] After all, you did rescue me.
[Shrek is a little speechless.]
SHREK: Uh, thanks.
[Fiona brushes her hands on her skirt and leaves to wash.]
FIONA: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
[ON: Donkey and Shrek looking at each other in amusement.]
===Merry Men===
[Later, Fiona, Donkey and Shrek are making their way through the woods towards DuLoc. Shrek licks his fingers.and lets out a big, loud belch.]
DONKEY: [admonishing] Shrek!
SHREK: What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [laughs]
DONKEY: Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona belches. Shrek and Donkey look at her surprised. Fiona smiles.]
FIONA: Thanks.
DONKEY: She’s as nasty as you are.
[Fiona starts to walk on.]
SHREK: [chuckles] You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.
[She turns back to him and with a playful, knowing jab repeats his words to Donkey from the night before.]
FIONA: Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.
[She turns tail and walks away. She starts humming. Shrek and Donkey look after her - a little stunned. Suddenly there is a loud off screen whoosh, and Fiona is shooshed out of the frame.]
[Suddenly a blur sweeps through the frame as Monsieur Hood swings in on a vine and lifts Fiona away.]
MONSIEUR HOOD: [yells] La liberte! Hey!
SHREK: Princess!
[Robin was landed on a high branch in a nearby tree.]
FIONA: Oof. Wait... - what are you doing?
MONSIEUR HOOD: Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior, and I am rescuing you from this green… [ he kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust.] …beast.
SHREK: Hey, that’s my princess! Go find your own!
MONSIEUR HOOD: [to Shrek] Please, monster! Can’t you see I’m a little busy here?
FIONA: [loses it, getting fed up] Look pal, I don’t know who you think you are! -
MONSIEUR HOOD: Oh! Of course, oh, how rude-a-la-la. Please let me introduce myself. [calls] Oh, Merry Men! [laughs]
[Merry Men appear from behind the bushes in a chorus line fashion -- they begin to sing]
MERRY MEN: ♪ Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da, whoo! ♪
[Monsieur Hood leaps off the tree limb with acrobatic style landing in front of the men with aplomb as they start to Riverdance.]
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪
MERRY MEN: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪
MERRY MEN: ♪ What a guy! ♪ 
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ Ha-haaaah! ♪ 
MERRY MEN: ♪ Monsieur Hood! ♪
[Monsieur Hood is center stage with the Merry Men in back of him.]
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ Break it down. ♪ 
[The Merry Men dance, Riverdance style. He pirouettes in front of them.]
MONSIEUR HOOD: [continued] ♪ I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪
[We pull back from an indignant Fiona to reveal the merry men, circling camera.]
MONSIEUR MEN: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get.... ♪
[Monsieur abruptly pops up in front of the men.]
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ ....paid. ♪
[The Merry Men fall back as we cut above - Busby Berkeley style.]
MERRY MEN: ♪ Soooooo... ♪
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪
[The Merry Men leaning forward, sneering.]
MERRY MEN: ♪ That's bad. That's bad. That's bad. ♪
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪
MERRY MEN: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪
[Fiona, witnessing this from the tree goes from just annoyed to horrified.]
MONSIEUR HOOD: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to sta-a-a-a-a-a-a-- ♪
[Suddenly a foot enters, knocking Monsieur clean out of the frame. He lands against a rock, knocked out cold with a solid crunch. Fiona has swung down and do the Tarzan-like yell on a vine and taken him out. She back flips and lands in front of Shrek.]
FIONA: HIII-YAH! [to Shrek] Man, that was annoying!
MERRY MAN: Oh, you little!
[One of the Merry Men takes aim with his bow and releases an arrow toward Fiona. Instead of hitting Fiona, the arrow whizzes by, toward Shrek and Donkey. A frightened Donkey jumps into Shrek's arms.]
[Little John lunges at Fiona and she adeptly elbows him in the stomach and backhands him on the nose.]
[Friar Randy runs at her and she runs up a tree, backflips and kicks him in the head. Two more men run at her and she scissor kicks them both at once, she continues until -- in a series of quick martial arts move -- all the Merry Men lie unconscious.]
[Donkey and Shrek look at Fiona shocked.]
FIONA: Shall we?
[Fiona looks a little embarrassed as she smooths out her dress and regains her composure. Shrek just looks pleasantly stunned.]
[As Donkey, Shrek, and Fiona are walking away, Shrek keeps sneaking surprised glances at Fiona. Her trouncing of Robin Hood has left Shrek bemused.]
SHREK: Hold the phone.
[Shrek lets go and drops Donkey to the ground.]
===Shrek's Arrow===
SHREK: [continued] Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
[Shrek stops Fiona. Bewildered and impressed Shrek has trouble forming his words.]
FIONA: [innocently; evasive] What?
SHREK: That! Back there. That was amazing!
[Fiona blushes.]
SHREK: [continued; impressed] Where did you learn that?
FIONA: [trying to be regal; gain composure] Well... [nervous laugh] when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a... [surprised] there’s an arrow in your butt!
SHREK: [confused] What?
[Fiona points. Shrek looks down. A small arrow is jutting out of Shrek’s butt, dwarfed by his meaty leg.]
SHREK: [continued] Oh, would you look at that? [he tries to pull the arrow out.]
FIONA: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.
DONKEY: [walking up] Why? What’s wrong?
FIONA: Shrek’s hurt.
[Donkey scampers around hysterically, trying to get a vantage point and generally getting in the way.]
DONKEY: [frantic] Shrek’s hurt? Shrek’s hurt?! Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die.
SHREK: Donkey, I'm okay!
DONKEY: You can’t do this to me, Shrek. I’m too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
[Fiona grabs Donkey's head, pulling it around towards her.]
DONKEY: Mmm!
FIONA: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
DONKEY: [steeling himself] Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
FIONA and SHREK: DONKEY!
DONKEY: Oh yeah, right. Blue flower, red thorns! [runs off] Blue flower, red thorns!
SHREK: What are the flowers for?
FIONA: [like it’s obvious] For getting rid of Donkey.
SHREK: [realizes] Ah.
FIONA: [re: arrow] Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out. [gives the arrow a little pull]
SHREK: [jumps away yelling] OW! Hey! Easy with the yankin’.
[As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands.]
FIONA: I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
SHREK: No, it's tender.
FIONA: Now, let me....
SHREK: No....Would ya....
FIONA: Now, hold on.
SHREK: What you’re doing is the opposite of help.
FIONA: Don't move.
SHREK: Okay. Look. Look. Time out.
[Shrek grabs Fiona in the entire face, holding her at bay.]
FIONA: Would you....?! Okay. What do you propose we do?
[In the back a bit off the forest road, Donkey is frantically searching through the brush.]
DONKEY: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
SHREK: [off screen] OWWW!!!
DONKEY: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin’!
[Donkey rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns]
SHREK: Ow! Not good.
FIONA: Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. [Shrek grunts as she pulls] It's just about to...
SHREK: Ow! Ohh! [he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him]
DONKEY: Ahem.
SHREK: [throwing Fiona off of him] Nothing happened. We were just, uh - -
DONKEY: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
SHREK: Oh, come on, that’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-- [Fiona quickly pulls the arrow out] Uuuuugghh! [he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile] Ow....!
DONKEY: Hey, what's that? [nervous chuckle] That's....is that blood?
[Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way.]
===Love Montage===
[As Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona make their way towards DuLoc, they grow closer and closer. Shrek and Fiona start displaying the little tell tale signs of affection.]
[Shrek pulls a tree over a river for her to cross, and engrossed in her lets it go before Donkey manages to make it over. Donkey is flung off, unnotice by the others.]
[Fiona creates a make shift cotton-candy snack out of a spider web and knats for Shrek.]
[Shrek catches a frog and inflates it for her to make a lovely balloon. Fiona returns the favor with her owen creation. They playfully push each other as they walk side by side.]
[By the time they approach the mill outside Duloc Fiona and Shrek are almost hand and hand. Donkey looks on, getting the idea.]
===Weedrat===
[Shrek, Donkey, and Fiona breaks out of the woods on a small rise where an old mill perches. The fields of DuLoc stretch out before them, the castle standing out like an eyesore.]
SHREK: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
FIONA: [wistful] That's DuLoc?
[Shrek looks hesitantly at Fiona]
DONKEY: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something, which I think means he has a really… Ow!
[Shrek wacks Donkey. Fiona doesn't move]
SHREK: Well...um...I, uh... I guess we better move on.
FIONA: Sure, but Shrek... [realizes] I'm... I'm worries about Donkey.
SHREK: What?
FIONA: I mean, look at him! He-he doesn’t look so good.
[Fiona looks up to Shrek pleading. They exchange glances....]
DONKEY: What are you talking about? I’m fine.
FIONA: [kneels to look him in the eyes] That’s what they always say, and then next thing you know, you’re on your back. [pause] Dead.
[Shrek gets where Fiona is going. Trying to stall for time.]
SHREK: [catching on] You know, she’s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
FIONA: Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.
[They both look intently at Donkey, who grows intimidated.]
DONKEY: I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, [turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways] Ow! See?
SHREK: [quickly] Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.
FIONA: [quickly] I’ll get the firewood.
[Shrek and Fiona quickly dart off in opposite directions. Head still bent, Donkey looks back and forth after Shrek and Fiona, a little confused.]
DONKEY: Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes! [looks down and yelps] I don’t have any toes! I think I need a hug.
[Disolve to the sunset. Shrek and Fiona are sitting by an open fire outside the mill, something is cooking on a spit over the fire]
FIONA: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
SHREK: Uh, weedrat. [o.s.] Rotisserie style.
[Shrek indicates the dead creatures on the spit. Fiona takes another bite.]
FIONA: [enjoying it] No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
SHREK: Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. [chuckles]
[Fiona smiles, then her smile fades a little]
FIONA: [sighs] I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
SHREK: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare.... you name it.
[Fiona takes a long look at Shrek, smiling.]
FIONA: Hmm. I'd like that.
[Shrek and Fiona catch each other's eyes and lock. Shrek slurps a rat tail into his mouth.]
SHREK: [nervous laughter] Um, Princess?
FIONA: [significant] Yes, Shrek?
[Shrek considers telling her something, but ultimately chickens out.]
SHREK: I, um, I was wondering, are you.... [sighs, beat] ....are you gonna eat that?
[Fiona grins. She hands the weedrat to Shrek. Their hands linger briefly as they hold onto it--]
DONKEY: [pops up] Man, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
[Shrek and Fiona look up, startle out of their moment. Suddenly Fiona's mood change, she sits up abruptly and spins to face the sunset.]
FIONA: Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late.
[Fiona leaps to her feet. A desparate look on her face. She looks back at the sunset with concern, Shrek follows her glance.]
SHREK: What?
DONKEY: Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here...
[Fiona looks at Donkey with great concern.]
DONKEY: [continued] You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
[Fiona looks greatly relieved.]
FIONA: Uhhh.... Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know what, I’d better go inside.
DONKEY: Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until.... Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
[With a sad smile, Fiona heads up the mill stairs.]
FIONA: Good night.
[She looks down, then enters the mill, closing the door behind her.]
SHREK: Good night.
[Donkey looks back and forth between the door and Shrek.]
DONKEY: Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
[He starts to trot back to the fire. Shrek finally tears himself away from the mill.]
SHREK: Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
DONKEY: Hey, I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
SHREK: Oh, you’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
DONKEY: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
SHREK: [starts angrily, then sighs, resigned] I.... There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know.... and I’m not sayin’ I do ‘cause I don’t.... she’s a princess, and I’m....
DONKEY: An ogre?
SHREK: Yeah. An ogre
[Shrek turns and heads into the woods.]
DONKEY: Hey, where you goin’?
SHREK: To get… more firewood. [sighs]
[Donkey looks over at the fire and notices a huge pile of wood still unburned. He gets the idea. He looks at the mill and heads inside. Shrek sits down on a ookout spot and gazes at DuLoc in the distance. He stays there as day turns into night.]
===The Misunderstanding===
[Donkey enters the abandoned mill. It's filled with shadows and fallen beams, etc. Forebording. He enters with trepidation.]
DONKEY: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess?
[Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can’t see her.]
DONKEY: It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.
[Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn’t look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out.]
DONKEY: Aaaah!
FIONA/OGRESS: NO! No!
DONKEY: Oh no! Help!
FIONA/OGRESS: Shhhhh!
DONKEY: SHREK!!! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
FIONA/OGRESS: No! No! It's okay! It's okay!
DONKEY: What did you do with the princess?
[Fiona/Ogress emerges from the shadows.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [hushing him] Donkey. Shhhhh! I'm the princess!
DONKEY: Aaaah!
FIONA/OGRESS: It's me, in his body.
DONKEY: Oh, my God! You ate the princess!!! [to ogress's stomach] Can you hear me?!!
FIONA/OGRESS: Donkey!
DONKEY: [still aimed at her stomach] Listen, keep breathing!
FIONA/OGRESS: No!
DONKEY: I’ll get you out of there! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
FIONA/OGRESS: Shhhhh!
DONKEY: [muffled] MmmREK!
FIONA/OGRESS: This is me.
[Donkey sees Fiona in the ogress's eyes. He stops yelling. She gently takes her hand off his mouth.]
DONKEY: Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different.
[Donkey doesn't quite know what to say. Fiona turns away from Donkey fighting back tears.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [bitter] I'm ugly, okay?
DONKEY: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now....
FIONA/OGRESS: [bitter; irritated] No. [sighs; tries to explain] .... I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
DONKEY: What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.
FIONA/OGRESS: It only happens when sun goes down.
[Fiona leans on a barrel of water looking in at her own reflection, caught up in her own thoughts.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [continued] "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss… and then take love’s true form."
DONKEY: Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
FIONA/OGRESS: It’s a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this....
[She looks down into her reflection again and then splashes the water with her hand, breaking up the image.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [continued] ....this horrible, ugly beast!
[Fiona tries to hold back a sob. She turns back to Donkey and continues.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [continued] I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me.
[Fiona slumps down onto the mill stone, she holds her head and weeps.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [continued] That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me... like this. [begins to cry.]
[Donkey isn't quite sure what to say but does his best to console her.]
DONKEY: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, It’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24-7.
FIONA/OGRESS: But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. [cries more]
DONKEY: Princess, how ‘bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?
FIONA/OGRESS: I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.
DONKEY: But, you know.... um, you’re kind of an ogre, and Shrek.... well, you got a lot in common.
FIONA/OGRESS: Shrek?
[Shrek approaches the mill, a smile on his face, with a sunflower.]
SHREK: [to himself] Princess, I.... Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s pretty and.... well, I don’t really like it, but I thought you might like it ‘cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d.... uh, uh.... [sighs] I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go.
[He stops at the door to knock, overhearing: on the door, it's closed.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [o.s.] I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really...
[The door opens a crack. Shrek stops when he overhears.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [o.s.; continued] ...who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek.
[Shrek steps back in shock.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [o.s.; continued] My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
[Shrek looks dejected as he drops the sunflower and heads away from the mill.]
FIONA/OGRESS: Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be.
[Stunned, he drops the sunflower and walks away.]
FIONA/OGRESS: It’s the only way to break the spell.
DONKEY: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
FIONA/OGRESS: No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.
DONKEY: What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
FIONA/OGRESS: Promise you won't tell. Promise!
DONKEY: All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should. [to himself as he leaves] I just know before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’.
[Donkey exits. Fiona looks down through the open door and sees something perturbing on the ground. She reaches down and picks up the sunflower Shrek left behind.]
===The Proposal===
[Donkey walks away from Fiona's door and lays down to sleep by the fire. Fiona/ogress lies awake. She holds the sunflower, mulling something over, picking petals.]
FIONA/OGRESS: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not.
[She has picked the last petal. Dissatisfied, she plucks the whole head off the stem.]
FIONA/OGRESS: [continued] I tell him.
[She gets up and heads out the door, calling:]
FIONA/OGRESS: [continued] Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want....
['Shrek is nowhere to be seen. The sun starts rising above the horizon. As it hits Fiona the screen flares to white and she transforms. Against the light, she sees a lone figure approaching. It's Shrek. She smiles, the beautiful light streaming over her and Shrek. She runs up to him in a misty, magic moment. Here, he almost looks like a knight in shining armour. But as he gets closer, his face is visible against the sun and he looks mighty mad. Fiona stops in her tracks.]
FIONA: Shrek. Are you all right?
SHREK: Perfect! Never been better. 
[He walks right past and she has to tuen and keep up.]
FIONA: I.... I don’t.... There’s something I have to tell you.
SHREK: You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
FIONA: [shocked] You heard what I said?
SHREK: Every word.
[She grows despairing at his callous tone.]
FIONA: I thought you’d understand.
SHREK: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
FIONA: [devastated, half to herself] But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
SHREK: Yeah? Well, it does.
[Sound of Farquaad's approaching army interrupts. Shrek looks up. Fiona, stunned, follows his gaze.]
SHREK: [sarcastic] Ah, right on time. [to Fiona] Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
[Fiona is completely blown away. Farquaad and his army ride up. Donkey, sleeping by the smoldering fire, jumps up with a start.]
DONKEY: What’d I miss? What’d I miss? [he looks around, spots the soldiers, shrinks back, and mumbles to himself.] Who said that? Couldn’t have been the Donkey.
FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona.
[Farquaad arrives beside Shrek. Fiona is too stunned to speak. Shrek steps over.]
SHREK: [to Farquaad] As promised. Now hand it over.
FARQUAAD: Very well, ogre. [holds out a piece of paper] The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.
[Fiona and Shrek exchange a look. Shrek snatches the deed and and turns his back. High on a mighty steed, sits Lord Farquaad]
FARQUAAD: [continued] Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I’m Lord Farquaad.
FIONA: Lord Farquaad? Oh no, no..
[Farquaad snaps his fingers for an exchange.]
FIONA: Forgive me, my lord, I was just saying a short…
[Farquaad clicks his fingers and guard lifts him off his mount, leaving a pair of leg-extenders on horse, revealing he's 4 feet tall.]
FIONA: [continued] …farewell.
FARQUAAD: [chuckles] Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
[Fiona looks at Shrek and steels himself.]
FIONA: No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
[Farquaad gets down on his knee before Fiona and takes her hand - pulling her down abruptly.]
FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona, beautiful fair, flawless Fiona... I ask your had in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom.
[Fiona speaks to jab Shrek.]
FIONA: Lord Farquaad... [pause, glares at Shrek] I accept. Nothing would make me...
[Fiona turns her attention back to Farquaad.]
FARQUAAD: [cuts her off] Excellent! I’ll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
FIONA: [blurts] No!
[Shrek spins around hopeful.]
FIONA: [continued] I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun sets.
[Shrek scowls and turns away.]
FARQUAAD: Oh, anxious, are you? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do! 
[Guards lifts Farquaad back onto his saddle and into the extend-o-legs. A guard bends to assist Fiona but she hops onto Farquaad's horse on her own. She sits side-saddle behind Farquaad, the perfect rescue image. Donkey looks back and forth between Shrek and Fiona as they part ways. Panicked, he chased after Shrek. The royal party rides past Shrek.]
FARQUAAD: [continued] There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!
FIONA: [with spite] Fare thee well, ogre.
[Shrek frowns as they ride off, then turns, stomping out the fire. Donkey steps up to Shrek.]
DONKEY: Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.
SHREK: Yeah, so what?
[Shrek heads off in the direction of his swamp. Donkey looks back and forth from Shrek to the royal party disappearing.]
DONKEY: Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night, She’s....
[Shrek whirls at Donkey.]
SHREK: I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
DONKEY: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you..
SHREK: Hey, I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else, understand?! Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!!
DONKEY: But I thought....
SHREK: Yeah, you know what? You thought wrong!
DONKEY: Shrek.
[Shrek turns and walks away, and disappears over the hill.]
===Wedding Preparation Montage===
[Shrek, Fiona, Farquaad and Donkey have gone their separate ways. Shrek back to his cleared out swamp, Fiona and Farquaad to Duloc, Donkey to wander alone.]
[Donkey walks alone. Depressed Donkey sits by the side of a river.]
[Shrek cleans the fairy-tale debris from his swamp. He tries to convince himself this life is what he wanted.]
[Fiona notices the bride and groom on the wedding cake. She depresses the groom into the cake, to reflect his height.]
[Farquaad polishes his crown.]
[The dejected Dragon stops beside the river near Donkey. Donkey feels guilty and makes a resolve to go and talk to her.]
[Shrek settles down to another gross meal. This time his heart isn't into it and he pushes the dish away. Suddenly he hears a noise outside, and leaves his house to see what it is.
===Shrek in Swamp===
[In an echo of the beginning of the movie, Shrek settles down to eat his meal. But he quickly grows dispirited. No appetite. Suddenly he hears a noise outside and goes out to see: Donkey is assembling a line of small rocks, some piled up and starting to resemble a wall.]
SHREK: Donkey? What are you doing?
DONKEY: I would think of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
SHREK: [squinting at it] Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.
DONKEY: It is around your half. See that’s your half, and this is my half.
SHREK: Oh! Your half? Hmm.
DONKEY: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work, I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.
[Shrek starts to pull down the wall as Donkey builds it, he picks up a branch and goes to throw it down. Donkey blocks his. They struggle over the branch. The fight builds in pitch.]
SHREK: Back off!
DONKEY: No, you back off!
SHREK: This is my swamp!
DONKEY: OUR swamp!
SHREK: Let go, Donkey!
DONKEY: YOU let go!
SHREK: Stubborn jackass! [In ACME Night, the line is changed to "Stubborn donkey!"]
DONKEY: Smelly ogre!
[Shrek suddenly lets go of the rock sending Donkey backwards. He angrily storms off towards his house.]
SHREK: Fine!
DONKEY: Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet.
SHREK: Well, I’m through with you!
[Donkey runs in front of Shrek, blocking him.]
DONKEY: Uh-uh! You know, with you it's always me, me, me! Well, guess what?! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me! You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
SHREK: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
DONKEY: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!
[Silence. Shrek's face softens.]
SHREK: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you.... [shouting angrily] FOR STABBIN' ME IN THE BACK!
[Shrek spins and storms into his outhouse, slamming the door behind him.]
DONKEY: [totally exasperated] Uhhhhh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings.
[From behind the outhouse door we hear Shrek.]
SHREK: [o.s.] Go away!
DONKEY: See! There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
SHREK: [o.s.] Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.
DONKEY: She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about, uh, somebody else.
[Silence. Then Shrek opens the door.]
SHREK: She wasn’t talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
DONKEY: Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me. Right? Right?
SHREK: [getting frustrated] Donkey!
DONKEY: No! [Donkey holds his ground in defiance.]
SHREK: [begrudgingly] Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right?
[Donkey raises an eyebrow, wanting more.]
SHREK: [continued; genuine] I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. [beat] Can you forgive me?
[Donkey looks Shrek up and down and decides that he's genuine.]
DONKEY: Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
SHREK: [smiles] Right. Friends?
DONKEY: [confirms] Friends.
[There is an uncomfortable pause, neither of them know quite what to say next.]
SHREK: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
DONKEY: What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her?
[Shrek looks determined; resolved. Then starts.]
SHREK: The wedding! We’ll never make it in time!
DONKEY: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there’s a will, there’s a way... and I have a way.
[Donkey whistles for the dragon and flies in, hovering overhead like a rescue copter. Shrek is shocked and confused.]
SHREK: Donkey?!
DONKEY: [laughs.] I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.
[They both laugh.]
DONKEY: Aww, come here you.
[Shrek bends down, and grabbing Donkey around the neck, gives him a playful noogie - the closest thing he can get to a hug.]
DONKEY: All right, all right. Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. [In ACME Night, the word "ass" is removed.]
[The dragon drops the chain slung around her neck and the two climb up.]
DONKEY: All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
===Wedding===
[The ceremonyis in progress. It's everything a royal marriage of convenience ought to be. Hundreds of DuLocians watch with reverence and awe, thanks to guards holding signs reading "REVERENCE" and "AWE". Thelonious stands near by holding a velvet pillow with the rings. The bishop intones.]
BISHOP: People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and Queen.
[Fiona glanced nervously at the window, where the sin drops toward the horizon.]
FIONA: [interrupts; politely] Um...Excuse me...ah...Could we skip ahead to the "I do's"?
FARQUAAD: [chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona] Go on.
[Farquaad grins lasciviously and indicates for the Bishop to speed it up.]
[A phalanx of guards stand stoically. Suddenly, the Dragon drops from the sky and lands, shaking the ground. They flee in terror. Dragon looks at Shrek and Donkey on her back, her face quizzical.]
DONKEY: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle - how about that?
[Shrek heads for the cathedral door, but Donkey stops him before he can enter.]
DONKEY: [continued] Hey, Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t you?
SHREK: What are you talking about?
DONKEY: There’s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher’s gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That’s when you say, "I object!"
SHREK: Oh, I don’t have time for this! [He pushes past Donkey and reaches for the door.]
DONKEY: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! [as Shrek listens with impatience.] Look, you love this woman, don’t you?
SHREK: [hesitant] Yes.
DONKEY: You wanna hold her?
SHREK: [growing annoyed] Yes!
DONKEY: Please her?!
SHREK: [yells] Yes!
DONKEY: [singing James Brown style] Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness! [normal] The chicks love that romantic crap!
SHREK: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
DONKEY: We gotta check it out.
[In the rear of the sanctuary, Donkey appears at the high window, then drops away. He reappears, then drops out of sight again.]
[We see Donkey popping up into the window as we hear the Bishop.]
BISHOP: And so, by the power vested in me...
[Outside the cathedral, Shrek is hefting Donkey and catching him.]
SHREK: What do you see?
DONKEY: The whole town's in there.
BISHOP: [o.s.] I now pronounce you husband and wife...
DONKEY: They're at the altar.
BISHOP: [o.s.] King and Queen...
DONKEY: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
SHREK: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! 
[Shrek leaps to the door and then bursts into the cathedral.]
SHREK: I object!
[Farquaad, about to kiss Fiona, turns at the interruption. Fiona reacts in shock. A gasp goes through the rear pews and rolls forward as Shrek makes his way toward the altar. People recoil away as Shrek strides determinedly forward.]
FIONA: [hopeful; wistful] Shrek...?
FARQUAAD: Oh, now what does he want?
[Shrek makes his way to the front of the cathedral.]
SHREK: [to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church] Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.
[Fiona glances to the sun. She turns back to Shrek, a little angry and desperate, cutting him off.]
FIONA: What are you doing here?
FARQUAAD: Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding…
SHREK: Fiona! I need to talk to you.
FIONA: [angry] Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me--
[She turns back to Farquaad ready for the kiss. Farquaad puckers -- Shrek reaches up and grabs Fiona's arm, spinning her to face him.]
SHREK: But you can’t marry him!
FIONA: [angry; accusing] And why not?
SHREK: Because-- Because he’s just marrying you so he can be king.
FARQUAAD: [angry; indignant] Outrageous! Fiona, don’t listen to him.
SHREK: He’s not your true love.
FIONA: And what do you know about true love?
SHREK: Well, I.... Uh.... I mean....
[Farquaad starts laughing. He motions to the sign-bearer to hold up a sign reading: "Laugh."]
FARQUAAD: [realizes; laughing] Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. Ha ha ha! An ogre and a princess?
[ The audience laughs. Fiona stares, shocked. She's not laughing, she steps towards Shrek.]
FIONA: [softly] Shrek? is this true?
[Farquaad sees he's losing the moment.]
FARQUAAD: Who cares?! It’s preposterous! [He steps forward grabbing Fiona's arm.] Fiona, my love, we’re about a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! [He puckers her lips, ready to kiss her.]
[Fiona looks at him warily. She sees the setting sun and looks over to Shrek then again at Farquaad, who's eyes are closed and lips still puckered.]
FIONA: "By night one way, by day another."
[She backs away from him with resolve and turns to Shrek.]
FIONA: I wanted to show you before.
[Fiona closes her eyes and waits. The sun goes all the way down. She begins to transform. Farquaad's eyes grow wide wih shock and revulsion. The crowd gasps in horror, someone passes out. Farquaad stares up, immobile. Shrek looks shocked and then smiles.]
SHREK: Well, ahhh, that explains a lot!
[Farquaad backs away horrified. Fiona looks up at Shrek, pleasantly surprised. She smiles.]
FARQUAAD: Ugh! It’s disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight! Now! Get them! Get them both!
[The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them.]
FIONA: No! No! Shrek!
FARQUAAD: All this hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding...
[Farquaad grabs his crown from the podium and dons it.]
FARQUAAD: [continued] ...and that makes me king! [indicated his crowned head] See?! See?!?
[No, we don't.]
[Guards rush in to grab Shrek and Fiona, separating them.]
FIONA: No, let go of me! Shrek!
SHREK: No!
FARQUAAD: Don’t just stand there, you morons!!
SHREK: Get out of my way! Fiona!
FARQUAAD: Kill him if you have to - but get him!!
[Shrek begins to break free.]
FARQUAAD: [continued] Insolent beast. I’ll make you regret the day we met. I’ll see you drawn and quartered! You’ll beg for death to save you!
FIONA: No! Shrek!
[Farquaad spins to face Fiona, now held by guards - he draws his dagger holding it to her throat.]
FARQUAAD: [to Fiona] And as for you, my wife…
SHREK: Fiona!
FARQUAAD: [to Fiona] I’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am King!
[Shrek pulls an arm free from the guards and putting his fingers to his mouth emits a piercing whistle.]
FARQUAAD: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have....
[Suddenly, the rose window behind the altar shatters. The Dragon bursts her head in, Donkey atop it. Her mouth open and fierce she swings down toward Farquaad.]
FARQUAAD: [blood curdling scream] ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
[She swallows Farquaad in one gulp. The crowd gasps in shock.]
DONKEY: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it. 
[The dragon roars. The terrified crowd freezes, gasping.] 
DONKEY: [continued] I’m a Donkey on the edge!
[The guards freeze, gasping. Dragon burps out the crown.]
DONKEY: [continued] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [as the congregation cheers.] Go ahead, Shrek.
[Fiona looks at Donkey still a little in shock. Shrek steps up to her and gently puts his hand on her shoulder, turning her towards him - she looks at him hopeful, expectant. In an echo of their conversation over the weedrat dinner....]
SHREK: Uh, Fiona...?
FIONA: Yes, shrek?
SHREK: I... [Shrek's eyes scan Fiona's face but this time he's not going to chicken out.] I love you.
FIONA: Really?
SHREK: Really, really.
FIONA: [smiles] I love you too.
[Shrek breaks into a big smile. He leans in and kisses her - a good kiss. Thelonious grabs a sign from a guard and scrawls the word "Aawww!". He holds up the sign.]
CROWD: Aawww!
[Then as Fiona and Shrek finish their kiss their eyes lock - suddenly Fiona begins to life into the air and glow. Whispering winds whip up and through the winds we hear a magical voice echoing through the church....]
MAGICAL VOICE: "Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form."
[A magical transformational explosion fills the cathedral. A flash of light blinds; a whirlwind of sparkling light fills the church, bursting all the windows. The magic subsides - the voice fades out in an echo.]
MAGICAL VOICE: [continued] "Take love’s true form... Take love’s true form... Take love’s true form....."
[Beside Donkey and Dragon one window remains intact. They look at it - the Dragon reaches up and smashes the stain glass. They smile and we follow their gaze down to Shrek and Fiona. We pan down to find Fiona in a crumpled heap of floor, he back to Shrek. He approaches her gently.]
SHREK: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
[He reaches down to help her from the floor. She slowly turns around, still an ogress. Fiona looks at herself, dismayed.]
FIONA: Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
SHREK: But you are beautiful.
DONKEY: [sentimental] I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
[Shrek and Fiona smile at one another they go in for another kiss but Shrek stops - he covers the lens with his hands to give them a private moment.]
===Ugly Ever After===
[Shrek and Fiona are kissing, this time at their own wedding in Shrek's swamp. Dulocians and fairytale creatures celebrate together. The dwarves strike up a punk version of "I'm a Believer."]
[A fairy Godmother turns the three blind mice and an onion into a lovely carriage. The horses and driver are still blind and wear dark glasses. Fiona and Shrek enter the carriage.]
[Fiona throws the bouquet. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White duke it out over who will catch the bouquet but Dragon intercepts it. She turns to Donkey, batting her eyes. Donkey smiles sheepishly.]
[Shrek waves to Donkey from the back of the carriage as it begins to move off. The camera moves in on the cheering crowd as a tiny figure steps out in front. It's the Gingerbread Man on crutches.
GINGERBREAD MAN: God bless us, everyone.
[The celebration continues at the wedding reception of Shrek and Fiona. Donkey is it the microphone belting out "I'm a Believer." All of the fairytales creatures are celebrating.]
[Fiona and Shrek ride off into the sunset.]
[The camera pulls back, to reveal the image on a page. The book closes, with the title SHREK on the cover.]
DONKEY: [hysterically laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.
[The screen cuts to black, ending the film]
DONKEY: [off-screen] I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
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