Heaven and Hell Aren’t What You Think They Are

I know why you’re here. I know exactly why you’re reading this. It makes complete sense, after all. Every human wishes to know the mysteries surrounding death and the afterlife that awaits you, but I come to you with a warning. I just hope that you heed it.
Heaven and Hell are not places. They are not tangible like you’re trained to believe. When you die, you will not ascend to the pearly gates to live in luxury, just as you will not plummet into the fiery pits for eternal damnation. I’m afraid that Heaven and Hell are much closer to you than you could have ever imagined. Of course, Heaven is only achievable by those who are righteous and holy. All of that being a good Samaritan bullshit is unfortunately a requirement. How many mistakes are you allowed to make? How many cruel acts shall be forgiven? I’m afraid that these are questions that even I cannot give a concrete answer to. If my experience is anything to go by, then not a single one. One stupid, lamentable mistake I made in my foolish youth was all I needed for a one-way ticket to purgatory. If they truly do keep a checklist for every foul deed, you better consider every action twice and decide whether it’s worth attaining your own personal hell.
If you manage to stay squeaky clean, congrats! You get the privilege of doing it all again. You get to start again from square one. And the best part of it all? You won’t remember a single thing about your past life. Isn’t Heaven so sweet? Living countless lives again and again, enduring hardship and suffering only for it all to be meaningless in the end. Zion truly awaits. I suppose it could be worse though. You could always end up in Hell.
Hell isn’t what you think it is, either, of course. No pits of fire, no endless labour or eternal pain coursing through your body every waking moment of your pathetic existence; Hell is all about subverting your expectations on just how much it can do to you with so little effort required. You see, why would Lucifer waste his time watching over all of you impudent fools, creating specialised acts of torture, horrors that the mind cannot comprehend, when he could simply allow you to torture yourselves for eternity. After all, even demons cannot compete with the depravity and cruel creativity of the human mind. Here is what you’ve been waiting to know. This is what awaits you in Hell. Just like Heaven, you will be reincarnated; given another life with no knowledge of your previous one, with one small caveat: you will be reincarnated as someone who is morally unjust and, well, evil. You could be reincarnated as a serial killer, a mass murderer or possibly worse. I’ll leave the possibilities up to your imagination. You will be doomed to never break the cycle of disgust and self-loathing and immorality, unable to ever reach Heaven, which is bliss in comparison. You will never live a happy, peaceful life again. This is your living hell. How can you tell whether you’re in Heaven or Hell? I’m afraid that it isn’t possible to determine this until it’s too late, of course.
I shouldn’t know any of this either. The system must’ve fucked up, or maybe he wanted me to know. Spread the word, see the chaos he could cause, see if anyone would heed the warning. Perhaps they’d change their lives and be better people, most likely in vain. The fools would ignore it and curse themselves for ignoring their one chance at salvation. I think the thought of it gives him some sort of sick pleasure. Watching us squirm trying to recall every horrid deed, trying hastily to ascertain whether we still have a chance or if we are well and truly damned.
There is one final question to answer of course: why did I draw you all here? After all, I currently reside in Hell, so of course I didn’t post this for your benefit. This was never a warning for you all to heed. This was all part of my plan. You see, I was reincarnated as a complete sociopath. That was his mistake. If I cannot break this cycle, then I will embrace it. All of you unsuspecting fools who clicked on this without a moment's thought, unaware that anything bad could possibly come of it, have all just become a part of my little game. A part of my quest to cause as much carnage as possible to smite those who cursed me with this fate. I’ll be seeing all of you eventually. Who knows, maybe if you’ve been reprehensible enough, you can join me on my quest.
In your next life.
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