Cheap and Depressing

Cheap and Depressing is the pilot episode of Six on the Beach.
The episode is not canon to the series, and was later re-written into the first episode: The Sweet Escape.
== Transcript ==
(The episode opens at The Krusty Krab.)
SpongeBob: Isn't working at The Krusty Krab just great, Squidward?!
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Why not? It's only the greatest restaurant in the entirety of Bikini Bottom, if not the ocean!
Squidward: SpongeBob, there are a few things about the real world you will never understand. For one thing, working at a fast food joint is not a respectable job, and I'm stuck in dead-end alleyway.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Young naive Squidward, always in denial. Our jobs are great and I couldn't ask for anything better!
Squidward: I could.
SpongeBob: Like what?
Squidward: A break maybe?! We've been working here for the last 20 years! I think it's about time we got a well-deserved rest.
(cut to two important-looking men in Eugene's office)
Man 1: I think it's about time they got a well-deserved rest.
Eugene: But what about me money?
Man 2: They've been working here for the last 20 years with barely any breaks. It's about time you face the facts, Eugene Krabs, or pay the fine.
Man 1: I say you give them a nice little holiday.
Eugene: But-
Man 2: No buts.
(the two leave)
Eugene: Oh… what am I going to do?
(Cut to Eugene entering his house at night. Pearl is on the sofa talking on the phone.)
Pearl: And then I said to her, and she said to me, so now I'm saying to you- (she notices Eugene) oh sorry, my Dad's just come back. You know what he's like. (laughs) Gotta go, bye.
(Pearl hangs up and we cut to the two awkwardly eating dinner together. After a pause, Eugene coughs.)
Eugene: So… did you have a nice day at school?
Pearl: Yep.
(pause)
Eugene: What did you get up to?
Pearl: Stuff.
Eugene: (laughs) That's what I said when I was your age. I bet you can't even imagine your old man as a teenager. I still remember my sixteenth birthday like it was yesterday. Me mom bought me a pack of condoms. (laughs) Her idea of a joke. You like that, Pearl? Heh, a pack of condoms?
(pause)
Eugene: Pearl?
(Pearl takes her air pods out.)
Pearl: Oh, sorry Dad. I was just listening to something. You say something?
(Eugene stands up.)
Eugene: No…
(Eugene sulks up to his room and sits on his bed. He looks over a scrapbook of Pearl and him when she was young.)
Eugene: (sigh) Pearl and I used to be so close. I wish there was a way we could reconnect…
(he remembers what happened earlier through a thought bubble)
Squidward: So then I got two blowjobs for the price of one!
(Eugene wipes away the bubble)
Eugene: No, not that!
(He remembers something else.)
Man 1: I say you give them a nice little holiday.
(Eugene jumps up)
Eugene: Yes! That's it! This is the answer to all of my problems: a holiday! SpongeBob and Squidward both need breaks, I need a break with my darling daughter Pearl, and I mean we could even bring a couple of other people along, hey?!
(he realises something)
Eugene: Oh, but something like that would be costly.
(he opens up his laptop and while of surfing, he finally finds something)
Eugene: Eureka!
(bubble transition to Eugene and Pearl entering The Krusty Krab pulling suitcases. Eugene is wearing a stereotypical tourist outfit.)
Eugene: Hey, boys! Start packing up because we're closing early today!
(SpongeBob exits the kitchen horrified.)
SpongeBob: But- but- why?
Eugene: We're all going on a Krusty Krab vacation!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, are you feeling okay?
Eugene: Better than ever, Squidward! And please, for the duration of the holiday I ask you call me Eugene. After all, I am one of your peers now.
Squidward: Yep, the man's deranged.
SpongeBob: Ooh, a vacation! I've always wondered what a vacation was like. I haven't been on one since I was a wee simple sponge.
Pearl: Oh my gosh, Daddy, I can't wait!
Eugene: And guess what guys? We're not going alone!
(Sandy and Patrick enter)
Sandy: Yee-haw!
Patrick: Oh boy! How long until we get there? I wanna lie down and eat ice cream all day!
SpongeBob: But, Patrick, that's what you do anyway.
Patrick: Oh yeah.
Sandy: I think a rootin-tootin' vacation is just what the doctor ordered!
Eugene: Damn right, Sandra.
Squidward: So, like… you're serious?
Eugene: As serious as that duck from Wonder Pets, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: Well then. (cough)
(after a pause Squidward starts jumping up and down in excitement)
Squidward: WE'RE GOING ON A VACATION!
SpongeBob: Oh yeah!
Sandy: Yee-haw!
(as Squidward names a place we see them standing there, like in the episode "Clams")
Squidward: So, Mr. Krabs, I mean Eugene, where are we going? Bass Vegas?
Eugene: Nope!
Squidward: Basselona?
Eugene: Very close!
Squidward: Carpafornia?
Eugene: Even better!
Squidward: Really? Because I'm kinda running out of fish puns.
Eugene: You'll know it when you see it!
(cut to them waiting in a line for reception at a holiday park at night)
Squidward: (frowning) A cheap in-country holiday park. Great.
Eugene: Welcome to Penn Escapes, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: Great. This the run-down place infested with vermin and pubic hair in every living area.
Eugene: Cheer up, Squidward! We'll have a great time here!
Squidward: Oh, please! This is worse than the time we hijacked the Family Guy intro!
(cut to them inserted in the Family Guy theme song)
Sandy: 🎵It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies and sex on TV-🎵
Patrick: 🎵-but where are those good ol' fashioned values?🎵
Mr. Krabs, Pearl, SpongeBob and Squidward: 🎵OF WHICH WE USED TO-
(Peter Griffin enters)
Peter: What the hell are you guys doing in my house?
(cut to them back in line)
Eugene: Well that was random.
SpongeBob: I don't remember that!
Sandy: We're doing cutaway gags now?
Squidward: Well, I'm leaving!
(Squidward begins to walk off. SpongeBob and Patrick wave at him.)
SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward!
Patrick: It's a long walk home!
(frustrated, Squidward returns)
Squidward: Fine. I'll stay on this stupid vacation of yours.
SpongeBob and Patrick: HOORAY!!
Squidward: How long is this holiday, anyway?
Eugene: As long as the show's run.
SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs.
Eugene: It's Eugene.
SpongeBob: Sorry. If we're on vacation, who's looking after the secret formula?
Eugene: (whispering) I brought it with me. I have a funny feeling a certain someone might be watching us.
(pause)
Pearl: Oh, Daddy! Waiting in line is so boring!
Patrick: Yeah, what are we waiting for, anyway?
Eugene: The keys to our cabins. I got a deal for two for the price of one. Pearl and I will be staying with Squidward
Squidward: Oh great.
Eugene: Which leaves SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandra sleeping together.
(pause)
Eugene: Gah! Why do you all have filthy minds? We'll be next door to each other.
(cut to them pulling their suitcases to their cabins)
Eugene: Well, here we are. We better get some shut-eye before we have a proper look around tomorrow. We'll see you three then.
SpongeBob: Good night!
Squidward: Good night indeed.
(the episode fades to black as they enter their cabins)
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