War Machine

War Machine is the fifty-fourth episode of Cult of Squid. It released on November 4th, 2021 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
== Plot ==
15 years before the events of this episode, Doctor Crayons’ college roommate Doctor Markers was helping him create a “war machine” for Pacific militaries to use. Cut to the present day, where Doctor Markers has tracked down Crayons with help from Project Phoenix, and wants to exact his revenge on his old friend.
== Transcript ==
(Episode begins with Crayons facing Markers as Plankton ducks behind a rock)
Crayons: After all these years of forgetting you existed… you are back?!
Markers: Yes, I'm back, Crayons, after you ABANDONED ME ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.
(Crayons notices a Project Phoenix emblem on a patch on Markers’ jacket)
Crayons: Are my eyes being dysfunctional… (points towards badge) or is that a Project Phoenix badge?!
Markers: Your eyes are not failing you. Unfortunately, if I tell you anything about it, my head will be blasted off. Member's oath.
Crayons: Oh. Well, can I ask another question then?
Markers: shoot.
Crayons: What in Neptune's name are you doing back?! You haven't been seen in years! I just assumed you were captured by The Cult!
Markers: It’s simple really. I found YOU. You know what you’ve done.
Crayons: What with the cult? Yeah, don’t take it personally. I was enslaved at first to be their doctor against my will and then I kinda just kept the profession. They were supposed to kill me and find a replacement.
Markers: No, you idiot. I wasn't talking about the cult, I was talking about what YOU did. 
Crayons: Oh please. That idea was mine from the getgo. Yeah, sure, I wanted to use it for the cult takeover, but MY war machine was going to be the greatest military revolution ever.
Markers: Yeah? Then how come I’m the one that finished it?
Crayons: You what?
(Markers pushes a button on his weapon and suddenly it expands out around his body into a very strong exo-skeleton mech suit)
Crayons: Oh. My. Neptune. Plankton?
Plankton: (peaks from behind rock) yeah?
Crayons: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
(Crayons and Plankton scream as Crayons grabs Plankton and he bolts the opposite direction, making Markers fall down, but he quickly gets back up and runs after the 2)
Plankton: would now be a good time to explain what the BARNACLES is going on?!
Crayons: sure… it all started 15 year-
(Markers shoots a shot at Crayons, near missing him, but making him scream)
Crayons: Okay, just find out with this flashback! I have no time to explain!
(Fade to 15 years ago at the Bikini Bottom University in Crayons/Markers dorm room. Markers is playing video games, when an excited Crayons bursts open the door, scaring Markers)
Crayons: Markers! Markers! You'll never guess what happened!
Markers: I thought I told you to STOP BURSTING THAT DOOR OPEN!
Crayons: and I thought I told YOU to stop playing that stupid video game! Don't you know video games cause violence??
(Laugh track for 5 seconds)
Markers: yeah, whatever. (Presses the pause button) so, what's so exciting that you once again broke the hinges of our door?
Crayons: quit your whining. Anyway, no. This may very well be the best day in our careers as Bikini Bottom University graduates!
Markers: don't keep me waiting, man!
Crayons: The Bikini Bottom military were impressed by our ingenious weapon inventions that they commissioned us to make a WAR MACHINE!
Markers: (drops controller) WAR MACHINE?! ...what's that?
Crayons: I'm not sure, all they said was to build them a weapon that can make them unstoppable.
Markers: Crayons, this is so exciting! Imagine us, working for the military, building top-grade weapons!
(Markers fantasizes of him and Crayons being awarded a solid gold medal for their contributions to the Military. The fantasy fades out and Markers begin bowing in the real world)
Crayons: why are you bowing?
Markers: huh? (Realizes he is bowing in real life and immediately stops) uh, sorry. (Clears throat)
Crayons: let's not hesitate, and start ASAP!
Markers: how much funding did we get for this?
Crayons: The military gave us $1M to play with. 
Markers: holy sh(dolphin chirp)! I suppose we should dust off our old workshop.
Crayons: Probably. I mean, we haven't used it in 3 years.
(They open the garage to the workshop and a wave of dust bursts out)
Crayons: ...i think we need to spend a day cleaning this dusty place.
(Cut to a day layer. The workshop is spotless but Crayons and Markers are dusty)
Markers: is that satisfactory?
Crayons: (coughs) let's get working
(Montage of them building)
Plankton: (voice over) so then, how did this lead to where we are now?
Crayons: (voice over) unfortunately, production was very, very troubled to say the least.
(Fade to Crayons screwing something in)
Markers: hey, dimwit, what in the name of Neptune are you doing?!
Crayons: screwing this in? Like our blueprints said to?
Markers: (slaps Crayons in the back of his head) YOU IDIOT! THE SCREW GOES OVER THERE! 
Crayons: So I misplaced one screw, sue me!
Markers: this thing will never work if you screw it in there!
Crayons: what do you know?
Markers: MORE THAN YOU, OBVIOUSLY!
(They soon start bickering. Multiple shots fade in of them bickering and bickering)
Crayons: (voiceover) we spent more time bickering and arguing then actually building the dang war machine… it never did get finished before IT happened.
(Fade to them once again working on the machine, giving eachother evil glares, when they hear screaming outside)
Crayons: What in the name of-
Markers: stop slacking and get building!
Crayons: Can it, Markers, I'm checking out what's going on. (He runs to the window)
(Cut to the outside revealing that The Cult are marching slowly towards them, capturing multiple citizens and killing some others. Behind them is a big sea of fire. Cut back)
Crayons: BIKINI BOTTOM IS BEING INVADED!
Markers: WHAT?!
Crayons: WE HAVE TO HIDE!
Markers: I AINT HIDING TIL THIS IS FINISHED!
Crayons: YOU DUNDERHEAD! IT WILL NEVER BE FINISHED BEFORE WE GET KILLED! 
(A cannonball crashes through the wall, hitting Markers square in the head, knocking him out)
Crayons: OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA DIE! (Screams in terror)
(Suddenly, the workshop door begins banging)
Outside voice: THIS IS THE CULT. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! WE ARE TAKING OVER THE SEA!
Crayons: NO! (Screams in fear)
(Soon, the Cult burst through the door with a battering ram. Security and Buff Jim all glare at Crayons)
Security: you're coming with us!
Buff Jim: Resist and we will crush your skull!
(Crayons cowards in a corner, but Buff Jim and Security stop approaching when they hear a "WAIT" from behind them. In steps Brother Squidward)
Brother Squidward: It appears you are a scientist.
Crayons: y-y-yeah?
Brother Squidward: but are you the BEST?
Crayons I graduated from the BBU, sir.
Brother Squidward: Then you're coming with us. You will be the cult scientist. You will be kept alive until your services will no longer be required. Understand?
Crayons: y-y-yyes sir!
Brother Squidward: the name is BROTHER SQUIDWARD! And I said, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Crayons: YES, BROTHER SQUIDWARD!
Brother Squidward: then come along with us.
(They all march outside and Crayons grabs the blueprints as they walk out, leaving Markers on the ground)
Crayons: (voiceover) I took the blueprints with me, just in case. I thought Markers had died! But then many many months later, The Cult embarked on their bravest mission.
(Cut to all of The Cult driving tanks and several other armed vehicles outside and marching)
Squidward: TO ATLANTIS! MARCH!
Crayons: (voice over) that was the last I saw of those blueprints. When I came back and saw they were gone… I panicked. (Cut to Crayons in his own lab, nervously holding a gun in his hands) I isolated myself in my lab for months, completely paranoid. I couldn't let anyone else steal anything else. I then made plans for an airplane… (show clip from the beginning of the episode "Kelp Forest") I told Brother Squidward it was to find anyone who might've eluded our grasp… but in reality, it was to see if I could find who stole my blueprints. I never told Squidward this.
(Flashback ends to reveal Crayons and Plankton behind a rock)
Plankton: dang, dude. That's a lot more story than I thought.
Crayons: It's a long story for sure. But how on earth Markers got the plans is beyond me.
(Suddenly, Markers appears from behind the rock, pointing a gun to Crayons head)
Markers: I stole the blueprints while you were gone.
Crayons: I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU STOLE THEM!
Markers: Any last words?
Crayons: Well actually yes. How did you end up working for Project Phoenix?
Markers: Terrible choice of final words.
Plankton: Nice going, brainiac
(Markers starts charging up a blaster on the arm of the war machine but as it starts to glow blue, a small explosion goes off inside and causes the entire machine to stop working, and eventually blowing up, sending Markers flying in the air)
Markers: NO! NO! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!
Crayons: Must've been a design flaw I forgot to fix! 
Markers: OH NO! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! THE SCREW DIDNT GO THERE! AND YOU DIDNT LISTEN!
Crayons: So i guess I was wrong after all. 
(Crayons notices Markers trying to sneak away, so he points a gun to Marker's head)
Crayons: we are taking you with us. Any resistance and I blow your brains out. Now tell us, brainiac: how did you get involved with Project Phoenix? 
Markers: (grunts angrily) Fine. 
(Crayons starts walking Markers back to the Krusty Krab)
Markers: So it all started a few months ago when I was hiding out in my bunker trying to evade the demonic attack. 
(Cut back to April 2021, Markers is in his bunker and hears fighting going on above the surface)
Markers: Oh thats just perfect, must be another demon attack.
(Markers uses a periscope to confirm there’s demons outside)
Markers: Okay, now how do I get out of here? Why am I talking to myself? Eh I guess I’ve lost it considering we’ve been living in the apocalypse for three years.
(Suddenly there’s a loud bang above and Markers checks the periscope to see that the demons have uncovered the door to his bunker)
Markers: Oh (dolphin noises)!
(Markers jumps behind a table and pushes a button on the ground, unveiling a sonic cannon)
Markers: This should do the trick!
(Markers flips a switch on a giant portal and his weapon starts charging, then he prepares to fire it at the demons; the door is blown open and two demons enter)
Demon #1: To whoever lives here, it’s a pretty spiffy place. Too bad you’re dead!
Demon #2: Shut up David.
David Demon: Hey man at least I’m not one of the rejected deadly sins.
Demon #2: CHRISTMAS IS A SIN TOO.
David Demon: Hey man, not even Satan wants to take away the joy of Christmas. 
Markers: TAKE THIS!
(Markers shoots a sonic blast at both demons, sending them flying backwards)
David Demon: Oh so he wants to PLAY?
Demon #2: I can't think of a catchy one-liner to respond to that.
David Demon: literally all you had to say was "let the games begin." This is why Satan hates you.
Demon #2: (notices Markers trying to crawl away) Hey, HE'S GETTING AWAY!
(Markers aims the gun and shoots another sonic blast at Demon #2, causing him to fall to the ground in agony)
Markers: Haha! Now allow me to read from my favorite little book!
(Markers pulls out a book labeled “Exorcisms”)
Demon #2: NO! NO!
(Markers begins to read, and the demons scream in agonizing pain as they burn away, being sent back to Hell)
Markers: Thank god I have this book of exorcism just lying on my bookshelf! (Markers looks around his base for something to use as a stronger weapon) What might i have?
(Markers glances at a box labeled “powerful”)
Markers: Well, might as well use it now. (speaking to self quietly) Why do I label my stuff so badly?
(When Markers opens the box, he uncovers a superweapon, with the note “DO NOT USE AT RISK OF DESTROYING THE ENTIRE OCEAN” taped to it)
Markers: Holy sh(dolphin chirp)! I forgot Crayons invented this! (slowly lifts weapon out with a fearful expression) this damned thing almost destroyed every atom in my body. Why does he keep it in such an easy location? He’s lucky The Cult never found this.
(Markers observes the device, and sees it is beaten up)
Markers: Oh, f(dolphin chirp), I forgot that Crayons destroyed this!
(Flashback to Crayons throwing the weapon on the ground, with a hammer in his hands)
Markers: Crayons, what are you doing?!
Crayons: This thing is way too dangerous! It could bring about the doomsday! You saw how it almost blew up Bikini Bottom; I gotta dispose of it.
Markers: but it’s your most brilliant invention yet!
Crayons: But at what cost? I don’t want to be responsible for the deaths of millions of people. I gotta do what I should’ve done long ago!
(Crayons starts ruthlessly hitting the device with a hammer, as Markers watches in horror; flashback ends and we see Markers stare at the machine)
Markers: (Gets an idea) hey…. 
(Markers stares at the blueprints of the war Machine)
Markers: It’s so genius, I’m surprised Crayons didn’t already think of it.
(Markers goes over to the machine and grabs a screwdriver)
Markers: Time to get to work.
(Fade to Crayons and Plankton arriving back at the Krusty Krab with Markers)
Crayons: Now that you explained how you survived the apocalypse, you still haven't answered our other question: how did you end up with Project Phoenix?
(SpongeBob's voice is heard on the other side of the door asking for the password)
Plankton: CRAP! I FORGOT THE PASSWORD TO THE DOOR!
Crayons: the password FFRules.
Plankton: How on earth did you know that?
Crayons: Uh… i was guessing.
(SpongeBob pushes open the door)
SpongeBob: It’s a great password isn’t it?
Crayons: This partnership is gonna last forever.
(Cut to Crayons tying down Markers)
Krabs: Who’s this?
Crayons: My old rival, Doc Markers, and the answer to all our problems. 
Krabs: What do you mean?
Crayons: Markers, explain why you joined Project Phoenix and how you plan to help us take them down.
Markers: I don't think that's gonna happen.
Crayons: (points gun to Markers' head) Oh yes you ARE!
(Suddenly a bullet is heard ricocheting off the metal wall around the Krusty Krab, followed by more bullets. Crayons drops the gun and everyone ducks for cover)
Markers: Oh no I'm not.
Krabs: CRAP! WE'RE GETTING RAIDED!
Markers: Crayons… did you honestly think you could kidnap the Chief of Science for Project Phoenix and right-hand man to President Smolder and there wouldn’t be any consequences?
Plankton: President Smolder? Who the hell is President Smolder
Crayons: Get the weapons ready, Plankton!
Plankton: But I was just-
Crayons: NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS. 
(The Cultists and FF grab weapons)
Squidward: Crayons, did you seriously lead the enemy directly to our base of operations?
Markers: Technically I did.
Squidward: Okay then. Take us to your base, and we won’t kill you. Okay?
Markers: As you wish, Brother Squidward.
(Markers stands up and walks to the door work Crayons holding onto his arms which are now in cuffs)
Markers: Come on, are the cuffs necessary?
Crayons: Yeah, they are.
(Crayons leads Markers out through the back as a Project Phoenix tank can be seen emerging from the horizon)
Markers: Alright. Let’s go to my lab.
Crayons: You don’t have any tricks up your sleeve, right?
Markers: Do you want to die here or later Crayons?
Squidward: Guys let’s MOVE.
(Markers leads the Cult and FF to his base which he opens by slamming his face against an eye scanner)
Markers: You guys happy?
Crayons: Yeah, we narrowly avoided those Phoenix guards. Now you’re sure they won’t come here?
Markers: Yeah, of course.
(Markers leads the group downstairs and Squidward flicks a light on to reveal a small army of Project Phoenix soldiers standing all around the circular base all with loaded guns and many different types of ballistics)
Markers: Seriously how is it possible for a “scientist” like yourself to be this stupid and gullible Crayons? 
Crayons: I-I don’t know.
Squidward: So we got led into a trap. Nice! At least we’re not being shot down by tanks. Okay so here’s the plan.
(Squidward breaks a steel bar off the stairwell)
Squidward: FIGHT! 
(A Project Phoenix guard motions at Squidward and everyone points their guns at him)
Phoenix Captain: Squidward Tentacles under the authority of the glorious Phoenix, you are under arrest for your crimes against fishkind. And the remains of your cult will be placed under arrest too. 
Markers: Hey Captain, can I get a moment with them?
Phoenix Captain: Okay sir!
Markers: It’s been a long time coming. Hey Crayons, remember how you destroyed our war machine? Our most incredible work of art?
Crayons: You didn’t…
Markers: Oh, but I DID. 
(Suddenly the floor opens up and a couple of guards fall in and land on a rising platform with a large metallic mech suit on it)
Markers: EVERYONE! 
(Markers crunches down on his tooth and pops a capsule inside his mouth on a fake tooth which suddenly gives him the strength to break right out of his chains) 
Markers: MAY YOU ALL DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO MY AMAZING WAR MACHINE! Allow me to introduce you!
(Markers sprints to the machine and Crayons tries to catch him but Markers hold into and activates it before Crayons can reach him)
Crayons: Markers you’re going to kill all of us!
Markers: Does it really seem like I care?
(Markers starts powering up the machine for an attack)
Phoenix Guard #1: Markers what’s this? 
Phoenix Captain: Markers why in Neptune’s blue ocean did you hide a game changing weapon from us?
Markers: So I can wipe that STUPID smug look off your face.
(Markers uses the fully charged mech suit to punch the Captain in the face, sending him flying)
Markers: I’m so done with all of you! Everyone thinks they can just boss me around because I’m the smart guy who just sits there and takes it! Well not anymore!
Phoenix Captain: You’ve gone mad Markers! You’re going to be executed for this!
Markers: You’d love to see that, wouldn’t you? Too bad you won’t live long enough to tell the tale.
(Markers starts charging up his blast cannon when suddenly Noseward throws a piece of scrap metal into the barrel, causing it to start smoking)
Markers: Oh, so that’s how we’re playing it.
(Markers shoots the scrap metal back out of the gun barrel and tries to decapitate the Captain, but he ducks before he becomes headless)
Crayons: You’ve gone TOTALLY INSANE!
Markers: I know.
Squidward: GUYS GET HIM ALREADY!
(All of the Phoenix guards start shooting at Markers and the cultists and FF begin throwing random stuff at his machine)
Markers: Really?
(Markers puts up a shield around his head and begins deflecting bullets with a force field)
Markers: You guys can’t fight me! I’ve created the most advanced technology this world has seen in years!
Squidward: Wait this world?
Markers: I’m working on interdimensional travel to get out of this *dolphin noises*hole. 
(Markers throws a table at Squidward)
Squidward: What’s your plan after this Markers? You take over? You lead some grandiose revolution?
Markers: Well, yes. I just need to go North and reunite with an old friend first.
Crayons: Hey Markers!
Markers: What?
Crayons: Did you remove the kill switch? 
Markers: What kill switch?
Crayons: The one I intentionally put into the war machine to break it down from the inside!
Markers: You *dolphin noises*!
(Markers begins frantically searching for the kill switch, giving Crayons enough time to flip a switch on Markers’ portal to “on”)
Crayons: Hey what’s this do?
Noseward: Does that go to other dimensions?
(The Phoenix guards just look super confused)
Phoenix Captain: Hey Cultists just an FYI, you’re all under arrest after this is over.
Squidward: For what?
Phoenix Captain: *stares* crimes against fishkind?
Squidward: Oh yeah.
SpongeBob: Hey Markers!
Markers: Why do you want?!
SpongeBob: Take this!
(SpongeBob and Krabs pick up a table and throw it at Markers, slamming him into the steel frame where the portal is going to light up)
Noseward: You ready Crayons?
Crayons: Yeah!
(Crayons flips a switch and the portal opens and Markers starts falling through)
Markers: You’re insane! You don’t even know how to work that thing!
Crayons: You sure?
(Crayons flips a few levers and then presses a blue button, turning the portal a strange shade of green)
Markers: You idiot Crayons! Don’t you DARE!
Crayons: Dare!
(Crayons slams down on the blue button again and everything in the lab starts getting pulled toward the portal)
Crayons: EVERYONE HOLD ONTO SOMETHING!
(Squidward and Noseward grab onto a table that’s bolted into the ground, the FF hold onto Krabs who’s holding onto the railing, and a bunch of Project Phoenix guards take shelter around the room)
Markers: I’ll be back! Then I’ll show you! I’ll show you ALL the true power of my WAR MACHINE!
(The War Machine begins to chip and fall apart as Markers gets pulled further back into the portal)
Markers: WHERE DID YOU SET THIS TO SPIT ME OUT AT?
Squidward: Maybe a hurricane dimension. Hopefully.
Markers: You’ll all get yours! You’ll see! YOU’LL ALL SEE!!
(Markers is almost fully into the portal)
Markers: I’LL MAKE YOU SEE! MWAYhahhahaHWHAHAHAHA!
(The machine starts tearing apart as Markers gets sucked further and further back into the portal)
Crayons: Man will you stop with the dramatic exit and just disappear?
Markers: All Project Phoenix members have to have a dramatic exit. Member’s oath!
(The portal full submerges Markers and he disappears into a different dimension)
Crayons: Finally, it’s finished.
Phoenix Captain: Hey so yeah I’m willing to let this whole event slide because if the President finds out that we let his third in command go crazy and lose our most valuable lesson, I’m probably dead too. 
Squidward: So it’s a draw?
Phoenix Captain: For now, it’s a draw. 
(The Captain motions to his crew to leave and they head to the exit)
Crayons: Okay so now that I think I’ve got this whole dimensional transportation machine working, let’s use it to do some good. I’m not sure what my rival’s intentions were when building it, but I know we can use it against Project Phoenix.
Noseward: Yeah there’s gotta be a parallel universe with crazy futuristic technology right?
Crayons: Probably. Anyways Eugene, can you pass me the batteries?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah sure.
(Krabs hands Crayons a few batteries which he throws into a slot close to a button labeled “PRESS ME”)
Crayons: Hey guys if this actually works, I think we have a solid chance at stopping Project Phoenix before they get too powerful.
Squidward: That’s for sure. We can’t let them keep forcing people to do their bidding.
Crayons: Markers would have agreed either way, him and his war machine plans.
Squidward: So are we ready to see another universe? Hey wait would that whole universe where our lives were a TV show count as an alternate universe?
Crayons: It sure would. A weird universe at that, it makes me uncomfortable that people get entertainment out of watching our lives.
Squidward: Let’s do this!
(Episode ends panning to familiar green fish getting sucked into a portal)