Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble/Transcript

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The following is a transcript of "Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble", the twelfth episode of Musical Autopsy, a supplement to the comedy web series A Dose of Buckley.
==Transcript==
===Introduction===
"This is Musical Autopsy, the feature at A Dose Of Buckley where I head down to the musical morgue, pull out a fresh carcass, and start carving. Today on the cutting table...it's Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble."
===The Autopsy===
Taylor Swift lyrics show up on the screen
"Once upon time, a few mistakes ago I was in your sights, you got me alone You found me, you found me, you found me-e-e-e-e"
Hm...well, what do you know? Taylor Swift is interested in a guy. Wonder how this'll turn out...
The lyrics continue...
I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that And when I fell hard, you took a step back Without me, without me, without me-e-e-e-eee-eeh!
Huh, it would seem Taylor Swift fell for a guy, who doesn't seem too interested in her, and when she made her feelings known, he decided to back off a bit. I bet they still get together in the end, though, right?
'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in So shame on me now Flew me to places I'd never been 'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in So shame on me now Flew me to places I'd never been Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground
[Drop that beat, Taylor!] Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, it wasn't a happy ending. How fucking suprising.
A picture of a telescope along with the wording
"You didn't need one of these to see this coming from a mile away" appears
It's another fucking Taylor Swift song about a boy who broke her heart.
How many of these are there now?
A list of Taylor Swift songs appears:
Teardrops on My Guitar - A boy who didn't notice her Our Song - A guy she always fought with and then made up Picture to Burn - A boyfriend who screwed her over Shoulda Said No - A boyfriend who screwed her over Love Story - Romeo and Juliet White Horse - A boyfriend who wasn't what he seemed You Belong With Me - A boy who didn't notice her Fifteen - A boy who broke her heart Fearless - Imagining a perfect "first date" with a boy Mine - A boy she liked Sparks Fly - Falling in love with a boy when you shouldn't The Story of Us - A boy who broke her heart + At least 2 more since 2011 - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, I Knew You Were Trouble
With all the failed relationships Taylor Swift has been in, I'm surprised she even has time to write and record songs.
In fact, there are only two explanations. Either she's been fucked over by, like, thirty different guys in her life and she's the worst judge of character in the history of womankind, or she's been bitching about Joe Jonas and John Mayer for, like, four fucking albums.
Cut to a Taylor's Wikipedia page discography section underlined with AKA: "I'm Sad About Boys Vol 1-4"
In this case, it was someone she knew would be trouble, hence the title of the song. So, I'm assuming the thought process here is now: "Shit! I need new material for my album. Hey, that guy looks like a real piece of shit! I should date him for a bit!
No apologies, he'll never see you cry Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning
Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be And now I see, now I see, now I see
He was long gone when he met me And I realize the joke is on me, hey!
There's no joke, Taylor Swift. The reality is that you're a loopy bitch who apparently falls hard for every man who makes eye contact with you. Look at these relationships.
Taylor Swift's Misery List (or...Celebrities Who Have Tapped Taylor) Joe Jonas - July - October 2008 Taylor Lautner - October - December 2009 John Mayer - "Late 2009 to Early 2010" Jake Gyllenhaal - October - December 2010
Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer and Jake Gyllenhaal. She dated all of them for, like, less than three months each. Some of them for only two months. No wonder they went running for the fucking hills, you're falling this in love with guys in sixty goddamn days!
Maybe the reason they "Don't know that they're the reason that you're crying" is because they couldn't imagine a sane, rational female, falling this in love with a person in the time it takes to see really good results from fucking teeth whitening strips. I know I'm partially repeating what I've said in my "Worst Songs of 2011" video, but clearly you didn't listen and it's unlikely you'll ever see this, either, but we get it. We all get it.
You're a fragile little girl with an easily broken heart. Now, for the love of Christ, write a song about something else! The excuse that all Country artists just sing about heartbrakes doesn't even work anymore. There's nothing Country about this song. Just listen to this chorus again. It's a pop song.
What is she talking about? "Flew her to places she's never been"?
I'll tell you where she hasn't been. The fucking anniversary mark in a relationship!
Some music critics have claimed she's one of the few artists who have really been able to capture teenage life in song form. Well, I don't know about you, but my teenage years weren't entirely pissed away having my heart broken. I played sports, had friends, got a job in my late teens, went water skiing once, and all sorts of other experiences.
I know that Taylor Swift is a rich 22-year old girl who also grew up wealthy with a pretty sheltered life. She was privately educated at one point, and spent summers at a vacation home that's probably ten times nicer than every single one of her fans' regular homes. So, I understand that her life experiences differ, and she really has nothing else to do all day, besides write songs and hopelessly fall in love.
But, I don't know, get some fucking hobbies and sing about them. Fuck, even just once, sing a song about whoring it up, and making some guy your bitch for once night and not returning any of his calls. Little role reversal. It's still about guys, but at least it's something different. I just don't want to listen to one more fucking song about Taylor Swift being sad about boys. Taylor, you put out four albums of this. It's enough. Also, you're 22 now.
Text from Buckley: Sorry Taylor, including a dub-steppy sounding thing in the chorus does not make your songs about boys any different.
Grow the fuck up already!
This has been Musical Autopsy. Bag it and tag it. *zipper*
Category:Transcripts