Episode 103: Billy Crystal/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Seymour opens the elevator. Mildred and another passenger get off.
Seymour 	Main studio entrance.
Passenger	Yeah.
Seymour 	Okay, have a nice day.
 	Clifford talks to Bobo, who holds a clipboard.
Clifford 	Okay, this is your first day on the job. Let's go over this one more time, okay?
Bobo 	Yes, yes. Uh, I am the security guard.
Clifford 	Mm-hm.
Bobo 	My job is to keep unwanted and/or suspicious characters from entering these premises.
Clifford 	Good, good. Now how do you know they can enter?
Bobo 	Ooh, good one. Uh, I sniff their musk glands, and if the scent is familiar, I let them in.
 	A beat.
Clifford 	No, man, you check the list!
Bobo 	Oh! Oh yes, check the list!
Clifford 	If their name is not on the list, you don't let them in. Comprendo?
Bobo 	Yes, yes, comprendo. (repeats to self) If their name is not on the list, I don't let them in. If their name is not on the list, I don't let them in.
Clifford 	Okay, okay, you got it, you got it. (walks)
Bobo 	(stops Clifford) Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold it up there, big fella.
Clifford 	What?
Bobo 	Where do you think you're going?
Clifford 	I'm going inside, man. I got a show to do.
Bobo 	Uh … sorry, sir, your name is not on the list.
Clifford 	Aw, come on! I gotta host the show.
Bobo 	Hello? If your name is not on the list, you don't get in.
Clifford 	Hello? If my name is not on your paycheck, you don't get paid.
 	A beat.
Bobo 	Have a good day, sir.
 	Clifford walks along.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Billy Crystal! YAAAYY!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening==
 	Main stage. Clifford enters to applause.
Announcer 	(sing-songy) Here's the host of our show, Clifford!
Clifford 	Yeah. Hey! Good evening, good evening. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show critics everywhere are calling... Muppets Tonight. Ha ha ha ha. Our guest this evening is a funny man, yet a humble man. A comedian who hasn't let stardom go to his head--
Billy 	(off-screen) Introduce me already!
Clifford 	All right. Mr. Billy Crystal!
 	Applause. Billy, dressed as a gladiator, makes a grand entrance on a bed carried by four pigs.
Clifford 	Give it up!
Billy 	Down, down, down.
 	They lower him. He gets off the bed and flexes for the crowd.
Clifford 	Billy, Billy, Billy, yo, yo, yo. Welcome to Muppets Tonight.
Billy 	Muppets Tonight? Buddy told me I'm doing American Gladiators. Where's Nitro?
Clifford 	No, man, it's the Muppets.
Billy 	Oh, great. I'm allergic to felt. I mean, look at me. I'm all buffed up and no place to go. I look like the Michelin man here.
 	Clifford looks confused.
Billy 	I'm kidding. It's a joke. Did you see what I did?
Clifford 	Yeah, you did it.
Billy 	I wore this whole thing for you guys, 'cause I love the Muppets. I'm glad to be here.
Clifford 	Well, we love you too, Billy.
Billy 	Well, great!
Clifford 	You know, I make a point of going out to see all of your movies.
Billy 	Oh, good. What's your favorite?
Clifford 	When Harry Met Sally.
Billy 	Oh, that's a good movie.
Clifford 	Boy, and that Meg Ryan? Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Billy 	Yeah, she's cute.
Clifford 	Yeah, you ought to know. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Billy 	Don't go there.
Clifford 	All right, I won't. (chuckles)
Billy 	You know, it's a funny thing. We had a very good chemistry together in that movie, Meg and I.
Clifford 	Uh huh.
Billy 	But uh, the director, Rob Reiner, well, we weren't really his first choice at first.
Clifford 	Get out of here!
Billy 	I swear. We both screen tested with different actors and actresses.
Clifford 	Huh?
Billy 	I brought with me …
Clifford 	Mm-hm.
Billy 	… a very rare screen test of me and an actress that you know real well. You want to see it?
Clifford 	Yeah!
Billy 	Alright, let's roll the clip.
 	The monitor is lowered behind Billy.
Clifford 	Uh, Billy? Over here.
Billy 	Oh. Ha ha ha.
 	A clip is shown on the monitor. Rob holds a slate.
Rob Reiner Muppet	Alright, come on, let's get this now. I'm — I'm right on the edge here, I could go either way. Alright. And the next one that calls me "Meathead" is going to get it! When Harry Met Sally screen test, take 73. (clap!) Action!
 	Pan over to Billy and Piggy sitting at a table. A waiter takes her order.
Miss Piggy 	Alrighty, now, I'd also like to have that with the, uh, mayo and onions on the side, and uh, and French fries on the side, and, oh, oh, coleslaw on the side--
Billy 	You know what, Sally? You are what my mother would call a good eater. The only thing you didn't order was a side of beef.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, oh, that's a good idea. A side of beef.
Waiter 	On the side?
Billy 	There's no more room on the side. Put it right in the middle so she won't have to reach. (to Piggy) Let me put new words in your vocabulary, okay — "I'm full." Try this whole sentence-- "No, I couldn't possibly eat more marble cake."
Miss Piggy 	(sarcastic) Ha ha ha. So, Casanova, what happened with your hot date last night?
Billy 	Oh, Sally, it was a disaster. She canceled. She had a bad cold.
Miss Piggy 	Are you sure she had a cold?
Billy 	(falsetto) Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. (normal) I heard her sneeze, twice.
Miss Piggy 	(laughs) Harry, Harry, Harry, your naiveté is tres amusant. Did you ever think she may have faked the sneeze to get out of the date with you? Hmm?
Billy 	Faked a sneeze?
Miss Piggy 	Yes, yes.
Billy 	No way.
Miss Piggy 	Listen, Harry, take it from moi, most women at one time or another have faked a sneeze to get out of a date.
Billy 	Really? Well, excusez-moi, Miss "I'm jealous of Babe" — you don't think that I can tell the difference between a real sneeze and a fake sneeze?
Miss Piggy 	(leans in) No.
Billy 	Pfft. Get outta here. (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	(feigning a sneeze) Ah... Ohh... Ohh... Ahh... Ohh...
Billy 	You okay?
 	She hams it up, getting out of her chair. The other patrons stare at her.
Miss Piggy 	Ohh... Ohhhhh... Ohh, ohh, ohh... Ohh... Ohh... Ohh... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah... Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... (sneezes right in his face) Ahhhhh-chooooo!
 	She goes back to her table, humming.
Miss Piggy 	(sighs)
Billy 	(imitates her)
Patron (LCR) 	Waiter, I'll have what she's having, only less pepper.
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	Mm, there's a lot to be said for this program.
Waldorf 	Too bad you can't say it on a family show.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
Nigel 	(into the mic) Roll three, take five, and go! Somebody get me a coffee!
 	"Tales from the Vet" plays on the monitor. Nigel addresses Andy and Randy.
Nigel 	Alright, boys, boys. Now, I have a very easy task for you, alright?
Andy 	Good, that doesn't sound so hard.
Randy 	No, I thought it was going to be much worse.
Nigel 	No, I haven't explained it yet!
Andy 	Oh.
Nigel 	Alright. Now, this is a button--
Randy 	Wait, wait, slow down!
Nigel 	(sigh) Now, this is a button! You press it once, and the house lights will go on.
Andy 	Oh.
Nigel 	You press it again, and the house lights will--
Andy 	Hey — what happens when you press these two buttons? (presses one)
Nigel 	No, not that one!!
 	The panel flips up and whacks Nigel.
Andy & Randy	Cool!
Randy 	Oh, wow.
 	Meanwhile, Clifford leads Billy backstage.
Clifford 	Oh, man, I love it! Come on, I can't get enough of it. Come on, tell me how I look. Come on, do it again.
Billy 	Oh, please, don't make me do it again, please?
Clifford 	My mom told me that used to be funny.
Billy 	Okay, last time for your mom.
Clifford 	All right, for my mom.
Billy 	(as Fernando) Cliff, darling, with your crazy Katzenjammer hair, you look marvelous. Ha ha ha ha.
Clifford 	Yeah, that's great.
 	Billy walks away; Clifford stops him.
Clifford 	No, no, no — how would Muhammad Ali respond to that?
Billy 	Oh, Cliff, come on--
 	Other Muppets gather around.
Man (FO) 	He's gonna do Ali. He's gonna do Ali! Ali!
Muppets 	(chant) Ali! Ali! Ali! Ali! Ali!
Billy 	Okay, okay, okay. (imitates Muhammad Ali) Everybody's talking about Joe Frazier. I don't want to talk about Joe Frazier. I like your show, I admire your style, but your pay's so cheap, I ain't gonna be back for a while.
 	The others laugh.
Man (FO) 	That's good. Hey, have him — have him do Sammy.
Clifford 	Yeah? Billy? Billy?
Billy 	Yeah?
Clifford 	What if Sammy Davis Jr. walked in the room?
Man (FO) 	Yeah, yeah.
Rizzo 	Do Sammy! Come on, come on, come on!
Clifford 	Do it, do it.
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Billy 	(imitating Sammy) Alright, I'll do Sammy, my little cheddar-chomping chum.
Rizzo 	(laughs)
Clifford 	(laughs)
Billy 	I love being in show business, which is the business of doing a show. Especially with you Moppets, and I mean that. I'm excited.
Muppets 	(laugh)
Clifford 	See, now that's what we want for the closing number.
Billy 	Closing number? Well, you know, I've done that so many times, I'd really like to do something different. Let me throw something at you.
Rizzo 	Watch out, everybody! He's got a grenade!
 	Rizzo and Clifford duck. The other Muppets scatter.
Billy 	No, no, no, no. Fellas, come back. Come back here. Come here. Come on, now.
 	Clifford and Rizzo get up.
Billy 	Come on — I want to play some jazz.
Rizzo 	Oh.
Billy 	You know, like a musical number, an old-fashioned jazz number. I got my own band coming. Big names. They're gonna be here in about 10 minutes. Huh?
Clifford 	Sounds good to me.
Billy 	Great.
Clifford 	Uh, but you know what would be even better?
Billy 	What's that?
Clifford 	If Muhammad Ali could be the band leader.
Billy 	No, no, Cliff, I don't want to, please.
 	Billy walks away; Clifford and Rizzo follow him and continue to hound him. Meanwhile, Dr. Phil van Neuter approaches Andy and Randy at the smoking panel.
Phil 	Did somebody call for a doctor? (looks down) Oh, oh!
 	He picks up Nigel, with a scrunched-up nose.
Phil 	Oh, yes, an excellent choice for reconstructive surgery. Mulch!
Nigel 	Cue the musical number.
Phil 	Yes, excellent choice. (presses a button)
=="The Lion Sleeps Tonight"==
 	Open on a jungle at night. A lion yawns and relaxes. A lizard sings the opening refrain of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", soon joined by other animals. A baboon sings the first verse, backed by parrots and even flowers. The lion covers his ears.
Lion (FO) 	Aw, come on, guys. I gotta work in the morning.
 	A zebra and gazelle join the song. The lion uses pillows to cover his ears.
Lion (FO) 	Oh, please! Please, I'm exhausted!
 	The singing continues.
Lion (FO) 	Will you knock it off!
 	As the tempo increases, the lion starts chasing the animals away.
Lion (FO) 	Stop singing! Stop singing! Bernie, stop it! Stop it!
 	Clifford comes out from backstage.
Clifford 	Hey, what's happenin'? You guys didn't finish the song.
 	He is trampled by the stampede.
Clifford 	Come on, man--oof!
Sam the Eagle	Clifford, Clifford, get up! Get up! We have a major problem.
Clifford 	Oh! You're telling me, Sammy.
Sam the Eagle	I'm about to do my first political commentary program, and two of my distinguished guests-- CNN's Larry King and our very own Mr. Poodlepants-- have not yet shown up! (shakes Clifford)
Clifford 	So what you're scopin' out for is two happenin' cats to hang out with you on your rap show.
Sam the Eagle	I have no idea what you're talking about. Just get me two guests for my show. Please, please.
Clifford 	You don't want just anybody.
Sam the Eagle	Yes, yes. I'm desperate. I'll take anyone.
Clifford 	Well, in that case, I got just the guys for you.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! Oh, oh, good. Thank you. And, Mr. Larry King had better have a VERY good excuse for standing me up. Humph!
Clifford 	Uh-huh.
 	He glances up at the control room, where Andy and Randy tamper with the machinery and cause more electrical damage.
==Lobby==
 	Larry King enters through the doors and walks up to Bobo.
Larry King	Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Hey, I'm Larry King. I'm a guest on The Muppet Show tonight. Buzz me right in.
Bobo 	Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Uh, your name again?
Larry King	King. Larry King. What are you doing? They're expecting me inside. I gotta get in. Come on.
Bobo 	Alrighty, alright. (looks at list)
Larry King	King. Larry King.
Bobo 	Larry King. I got a Larry Keen... and I got a Larry Klimas. No King, sir. Sorry. Have a good day, huh?
Larry King	I don't believe this. Listen, I'm Larry King. I'm on in 220 countries.
Bobo 	Oh, you tipped your hand there. Oh, yeah. I know you're a phony. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Larry King	What are you talking about?
Bobo 	Uh huh, uh huh. I happen to know for a fact that there are only 191 countries. Here. Let me show you... (picks up a globe) Now, uh, right, uh, right here, Larry. Looky here. (points) There's one...
Larry King	I don't believe this.
Bobo 	There's two... two, and … there's another one, look, another one. Three.
Larry King	(points) Four here.
==The Eagle's Nest==
 	Open on Sam, Andy and Randy sitting at a desk. The theme music plays as the pigs butt heads with each other.
A. Ligator 	And now it's time for politics and punditry, from The Eagle's Nest.
Sam the Eagle 	Uh--ahem. Good day. I am Sam Eagle, and let's talk politics. Our distinguished panel today includes Messrs. Andy and Randy Pig.
 	They razz at each other.
Andy 	Hey, wait, you're a (razz)!
Randy 	No, you're a (razz)!
Andy 	No, you're a double (razz)! With a (razz) on top.
Randy 	Am not!
Andy 	You are too!
Sam the Eagle 	Will you stop that!?
 	They quiet down and sit.
Sam the Eagle 	Ahem. Our topic today is taxes. What is your opinion of the new tax bill?
Andy 	My name isn't Bill.
Randy 	Yeah, why are you calling him Bill? His name is Randy.
Andy 	I'm not Randy. I'm Andy.
Randy 	Good. Then I must be Bill.
Sam the Eagle 	No, no, no, no, no! A tax bill in the House!
Randy 	Why do you want to attack Bill in his house?
Andy 	That's tellin' him, Bill.
Randy 	Thanks, Bill.
Sam the Eagle 	(facepalms) And they say purgatory doesn't exist.
Mr. Poodlepants	Here I am! Here I am! Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Eagle. You know, the Twirly-woo Trolley stopped me at Checkpoint Chuckle, 'cause I didn't have my nonny-nonny passport! (laughs)
Sam the Eagle 	Unfortunately, that explanation is the most logical thing I've heard in the past five minutes. Mr. Poodlepants ...
Mr. Poodlepants	Yes?
Sam the Eagle 	...what is your opinion of taxes?
Mr. Poodlepants	Oh, Texas, the longhorn state! And speaking of long horns... Woo-hoo!
 	He whips out a large Viking horn and blows it.
Randy 	(looks up) Avalanche!
Andy 	Run for your lives, Bill!
Randy 	I'm way ahead of you, Bill!
 	They both run away, along with Mr. Poodlepants.
Sam the Eagle 	Don't be ridiculous! We're in a sound stage. There's not going to be--
 	An avalanche of snow falls on him. The theme music resumes.
Sam the Eagle 	I'll get you for this, Larry King, wherever you are.
 	Back in the lobby, Larry watches as Bobo continues pointing to countries on the globe.
Bobo 	Uh, there you go. 172... And there's, uh, 173.
Larry King 	(sigh)
Bobo 	And, uh, 174.
Larry King 	Wait, wait, wait!
Bobo 	Hmm?
Larry King 	St. Kitts and Nevis are two countries.
Bobo 	No, no. No, sir. No, Larry. It's a constitu-- (Larry interrupts) No. No. Constitutional monarchy. Single federation. (Larry rolls his eyes) Let's see--oh. Oh, great. Great. I--I lost my place. Okay... There we go. There's one... there's two... You following me, Larry? You with me?
 	Music button.
=="City Shtickers"==
 	Open on a western setting. Billy, Fozzie and Kermit ride horses while driving a herd of cattle.
A. Ligator	And now, in the tradition of Punsmoke and Sappy Trails, Muppets Tonight presents Billy Crystal in City Schtickers.
Billy 	Well, here we are, three big city comedians on a cattle drive, huh?
Fozzie 	(nods with Kermit) Yeah.
Kermit 	You know, this is exactly what we needed. Just smell that fresh country air.
Billy 	Fresh country air? I smell stale dairy air.
Fozzie 	Ah! Ah!
Kermit 	(groans)
Billy 	Did you see what I did, Kermit? I took what you said, "the country air," and I made it "dairy," 'cause of the cows and into a, a joke... ooh, rough canyon, I'll tell you that right now.
Horse (KC)	Hey, quit horsing around!
 	Fozzie, the horses and cattle all laugh.
Billy 	Hey, it's bad when the horses are funnier than us, huh? Let's sing!
 	The three of them sing a verse of "Ragtime Cowboy Joe".
Billy 	Boy, that ended quick. I must have been channeling Roy Rogers.
Fozzie 	Hey, I think the cows liked it.
Kermit 	I dunno. That cow in the maternity dress didn't like it.
Fozzie 	Oh, no no. Cows don't wear maternity dresses...
Kermit 	No?
Fozzie 	...they wear moo-moos.
Kermit 	(groans)
Billy 	(brings the drive to a stop) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Fozzie 	Whoa! Whoa!
Billy 	Let's make a pact, okay? The next one who says a pun gets it right between the eyes. Okay? 'Cause I'm gettin' steamed.
 	One of the cows moos.
Kermit 	Oh, hey, Billy, you have to do something. That cow back there is about to have a calf.
Billy 	I can't do anything. I ordered a decaf.
 	Kermit and Fozzie groan.
Billy 	But I –– (flusters) You got me doing it.
Cow (LCR) 	Billy! Please! Help me! (faints)
Billy 	Alright, I'll do it. I'll deliver the calf.
Fozzie 	And if you don't deliver it in 30 minutes, we get it free.
 	A beat.
Billy 	STOP IT! (Fozzie flinches)
Fozzie 	Sorry.
 	Billy gets off the horse and attends to the cow. He pulls up Animal.
Billy 	Hey! Look what I made! I made a...
Animal 	Mommy! Mommy!
Billy 	I made a mistake, that's what I made. (shoves Animal away and gets back on the horse) Come on, let's sing, 'cause we have no ending.
Kermit 	Good idea.
 	They resume singing "Ragtime Cowboy Joe", until ...
Bull (JN) 	No more singing! Stampede!
Kermit 	Oh, no!
 	The cattle stampede away, rattling the three rustlers. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	That bit was breathtaking.
Waldorf 	Careful. You may not have too many left.
 	They chuckle.
Statler 	Nurse, my medication! Get my nitroglycerin!
 	A nurse sets off a detonator, and Statler explodes right on the spot.
Waldorf 	(to nurse) I'll just have a glass of warm milk.
 	The nurse laughs.
==The Tubmans of Porksmith==
 	Carter makes his way to Howard with a piece of paper. Howard sits at the table, snacking away on an ear of corn.
Carter 	Sir?
A. Ligator	And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Carter 	Mr. Tubman, sir …
Howard 	Yes?
Carter 	I have terrible news.
Howard 	(gasp) Don't tell me we're out of gooseberries again. Carter, how many times do I have to tell you? Buy in bulk. If you're not buying in bulk, you're gonna find that —
Carter 	No, sir — it's a telegram. Your great aunt Polly has died.
Howard 	(gasp) … Oh, that's awful. (pause) … Pass the head cheese, would you, Carter?
Carter 	But — you don't understand, sir. She's left you ten million dollars.
Howard 	(pounds the table) Oh, this is EXCELLENT! Oh! Oh!
Carter 	But sir, there's a catch.
Howard 	What?
Carter 	(hands him the paper) It says …
Howard 	It says …
Carter 	… you'll only get the money …
Howard 	"… only get the money …"
Both 	"…if you lose 100 pounds by noon on Tuesday the 12th."
Howard 	(looks at him) — Good grief, Carter! Today IS Tuesday the 12th!
Carter 	Mm.
Howard 	And it's almost noon! Quick, quick! The treadmill! Come on! (gets up)
Carter 	Yes — oh — I'll help you, sir. (strains)
Howard 	Push the table out.
Carter 	Just — uh — okay. (strains)
Howard 	No, no, no — here — grab a hold. Grab a hold. I'm here. Pull! (grabs his neck)
Carter 	Okay, sir — oh no, not — not the neck, sir.
 	They strain. Howard finally pops out of the chair.
Howard 	Pull! Pull me — oof!
 	Moments later, Howard runs on the treadmill.
Howard 	Okay, Carter …
Carter 	Hmm?
Howard 	… how am I doing?
Carter 	Uh, not very good, sir.
Howard 	What?
Carter 	You've only lost six ounces so far.
Howard 	Well, then crank it up faster.
Carter 	Yes, sir. (pulls a lever)
Howard 	There you go. That'll do it. How am I doing?
Carter 	Well, a little better. You're up to eight ounces.
Howard 	Well, at this rate, I'll never get that inheritance! (pants) Alright, turn it up full speed!
Carter 	But — but, sir …
Howard 	Do it, man!
Carter 	Very well, sir. (pulls the lever)
Howard 	Okay! (feels pulse) 2000 beats per minute! Is that good?
Carter 	Um, well, sir, you've actually gained two pounds.
Howard 	Oh, this'll never do! Turn this blasted thing off!
Carter 	Um, very well, sir.
 	He stops the machine. Howard immediately lands on the wall, opening a small door containing a cache of small pastries.
Howard 	Oh! Oh! Oh, it's raining cheesecake! Oh! Oh!
Carter 	Sir, another telegram.
Howard 	What?
Carter 	Your aunt Polly has recovered.
Howard 	Well, that's impossible! She's dead! (pants)
Carter 	But you know how very stubborn she is.
Howard 	Yes, yes, okay. Well. So much for the million dollars.
Carter 	Hmm.
Howard 	But let's look on the bright side. Yes, the bright side … is I've worked up a powerful appetite. Bring on the chicken and dumplings, Carter! And don't skimp on the gravy like you did last time!
Carter 	Very well, sir. (leaves)
 	Music button.
Howard 	(breathes) Yes!
==Lobby==
 	Sal leads Johnny through the lobby.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama, comin' through! Make way for Johnny Fia--
 	The jungle animals from earlier run past, chased by the lion.
Animals 	♪ a-wimoweh ... ooh ooh...
Bobo 	(nonchalant) Okay. Take care. Bye-bye.
Lion (FO)	(roars)
Bobo 	Right back at you, buddy. Bye-bye.
 	A beat.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama! Comin' through!
Bobo 	(stops him) Hold it up there, J. Fred Muggs. Where do you think you're goin'?
Sal 	This is Johnny Fiama! He's booked on tonight's show, so get out of the way, Smokey the Butt-head!
Bobo 	(warningly) That's one. Let me take a look at my list here. (looks at clipboard) Let's see, we got Johnny Depp, uh, Johnny Ola, Larry King –– oh? Oh, he is on the list.
Sal 	Hey, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, you got Johnny Fiama waitin' over here! He's a very important performer. So, hurry it up, Yogi the--the... Butt-head!
Bobo 	(warningly) That's two.
Sal 	Listen to me, bear. You let Johnny Fiama in, or I'm gonna make a throw rug out of you and put you in Johnny's bathroom, you--you grizzly...
Bobo 	Butt-head?
Sal 	Yeah!
Bobo 	And that's three. (grabs Sal) Come here, you... little monkey.
Johnny 	Hey, Sal, I just checked the schedule. I'm not even on the show tonight, huh. Ain't that a laugh?
 	Bobo whacks Sal against the desk.
Sal 	Y-y-yeah, that's funny, Johnny!
Johnny 	Hey, come on, Sal. Quit foolin' around with your new buddy. Let's get out of here, huh?
 	Bobo throws Sal out the door; Sal lands in traffic.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama's leaving the building!
Johnny 	Hey, Sal, that is one nutty way to stop a cab. (laughs)
==Billy's jazz number==
 	Nigel sits at the control panel with a bandaged nose.
Nigel 	Alright, ready to cue camera one...
Techie (BB) 	Cue camera one.
Nigel 	Let's set up for the bison bossa nova in 3, 2, 1, cue.
Techie (BB) 	Cue.
Nigel 	(flails) What? No! Camera one!
 	Clifford and Rizzo enter the control room.
Clifford 	You tell Billy the bad news.
Rizzo 	No way! You tell him.
Clifford 	No, you tell him.
Rizzo 	Why should I have to tell him?
Clifford 	Because I'm the man, and you're the rat. I got genetic seniority.
Rizzo 	Oh, brother...
Billy 	What bad news?
 	They see him and become sheepish.
Rizzo 	Uh ... Soylent Green is people?
Billy 	Everybody knows that.
Rizzo 	Oh.
Billy 	Come on, tell me, what's the bad news? They shot Sonny on the causeway?
Clifford & Rizzo	Uh...
Billy 	The National League adopted the DH?
Clifford & Rizzo	Ehh...
Billy 	We're not in Kansas anymore?
Clifford & Rizzo	Err...
Billy 	What is it?
Clifford 	It's about the big all-star band you put together.
Billy 	Oh, I know, I'm excited, too. (as Ricky) This band is unbelievable, ha-ha!
Rizzo 	You tell him.
Clifford 	No, you tell him.
Rizzo 	No, you tell him.
Clifford 	No, you tell him, man.
Rizzo 	I'm not gonna tell him...
Billy 	Fellas! Fellas! Somebody just tell me.
Rizzo 	Aw, they didn't show up. You don't have a band. No band, no bee-bop, Billy.
Clifford 	Yeah. I guess we have to cancel the number.
Billy 	Wait a second. Wait –– we don't have to cancel the number. We can still do the number.
Clifford & Rizzo	How?
Billy 	I'll do it with you guys.
Rizzo 	Oh, no, I'm not very musical –– I can't even clap. (tries)
Billy 	Oh, you'd be surprised, Rizzo, how much music you have inside you. And Clifford, you got a lot of jazz in you.
Rizzo 	Ah!
Clifford 	So that's what kept me up all night.
Billy 	Yeah! I mean, we can do this number. See, jazz is a feeling. It's deep inside you. We can do this.
All 	Hmm. Hmm.
Billy 	First you take some skins ...
 	He bangs on Andy and Randy's heads like bongos; they giggle.
Billy 	Jazz begins!
 	A drum beat starts.
Billy 	And you take a bass ...
 	He plucks Rizzo's tail. Clifford laughs.
Billy 	Now we're gettin' someplace!
Clifford 	Yeah!
Billy 	Take a rat ...
 	He strokes Rizzo's tummy like a guitar; Rizzo giggles.
Billy 	Make him scat ...
Rizzo 	(scats)
Billy 	♪ Take a blue horn, New Orleans born ...
 	Fade to a jazz band consisting of Clifford on bass, Randy on horn, Zoot on sax, Billy on clarinet, Mr. Poodlepants on piano, and Animal on drums.
Billy 	Yeah! Take a stick. (plays)
Clifford 	Man, what a lick!
Animal 	Lick! Lick! Lick!
Billy 	Take a bone!
Mr. Poodlepants 	(scats)
Billy 	ET, phone home!
Randy 	Zoo-bop!
Billy 	Take a spot.
Animal 	(scats)
Billy 	Oy vey! That was hot!
Clifford 	(scats)
Billy 	♪ Now you has...
All 	♪ Jazz! Jazz! Jazz! Jazz! Jazz!
 	Billy plays a clarinet solo.
Animal 	Aw, get mad, Billy! Yeah!
Mr. Poodlepants 	Way to go, Billy!
Clifford 	Do it, Mr. Billy!
Billy 	All right!
Clifford 	Bil-ly!
Billy 	Ha ha! Can you dig it?
Beatnik (BB) 	Yes, I can!
Billy 	I knew that you could!
Clifford 	Ha ha-ha-ha!
Billy 	♪ From the equator ...
Others 	♪ From the equator ...
Billy 	♪ Up to the pole ...
Others 	♪ Up to the pole ...
Billy 	
♪ Everybody's singin', everybody's swingin'
♪ To that rock, rock, rock, rock, rock 'n' roll!
♪ From the East to the West ...
Others 	♪ East to the West ...
Billy 	♪ From the coast to the coast ...
Others 	♪ Coast to the coast ...
Billy 	
♪ Jazz is the king, jazz is the thing 
That folks!
Others 	Folks!
Billy 	Dig!
Others 	Dig!
♪ Most ...
All 	(scat)
Billy 	(Louis Armstrong voice) And that's jazz!
 	Applause.
Billy 	Yes! Did you feel that, Clifford?
Clifford 	I felt it all over my body.
Billy 	It came up from inside you.
Clifford 	Big time.
Billy 	Big time.
Clifford 	Big time.
Billy 	(laughs)
==Goodnights / Epilogue==
 	Applause. Billy and Clifford finish talking.
Clifford 	Yeah, yeah, yeah! Alright, alright, alright! Let's give it up for Mr. Billy Crystal!
 	More applause. The Muppets gather around Billy.
Miss Piggy	You were wonderful! You were wonderful!
Billy 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. I had a great time, Cliff, and you see, we didn't even need the all-star band.
Clifford 	Word, word.
Muppets 	(agreeing)
Clifford 	You know, I wonder whatever happened to that band?
Muppets 	Hmmm …
 	Back in the lobby, Bobo deals with dignitaries.
Bobo 	I'm sorry, I - I don't have anything on the list for a Billy Crystal band. No Clinton. No Yeltsin, no Eastwood, no Reagan.
 	The Queen of England touches his hand.
Bobo 	(stammers) Please don't flirt with me, Your Majesty! Back of the line, young lady.
 	Music button. The credits roll.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts