A Dishwasher, a Fire and a Remote Control/Transcript

This is the transcript for A Dishwasher, a Fire and a Remote Control, which aired on November 18, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 - Hey, pal.
- Hey, friend.
Whoa, does my hair always look like this? Like you slept on it funny? Yeah.
- What's up? - Well, not much.
Your kidney misses you.
Wanted to say hello.
"I miss you, Gina.
" That's your kidney, obviously.
Okay, what's going on? You all right? I guess.
"Tell her the truth.
" Oh! Mm.
Um, I am in a bit of a funk lately.
I mean, here it is, finally sweater season, and it's like I don't even care.
Well, what do you usually do to cheer yourself up? Have you stopped watching porn? What? No, I-I don't watch Look, can we just talk about my funk, please? Ooh, that sounds worse.
I was just calling to see if you're free for dinner.
Maybe we can hang out? Oh, I wish.
Two of my night orderlies bailed.
I got to cover.
I can talk now, though.
Okay, great.
I don't have many people in my life I can turn to, so - Hey.
You busy? - I got to go.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
And just so you know, I don't watch Come on in.
We're in.
Oh.
Oh, my.
Okay.
And there's more.
Oh, they They keep on coming.
I hold in my hand a petition to replace the chef.
We as a community The food here blows.
I was getting to that.
Not fast enough.
You promised us a new chef.
One who won't set fire to the kitchen every week.
I know, and I'm so sorry.
It's just I'm not the kind of person that fires people.
I mean, you have no idea.
I still go to my pediatrician.
I'll fire him.
I like it.
Gina, food is one of the last pleasures that we have, and this man is stealing it from us.
- I wholeheartedly agree.
- Jerry, you've been here, like, a week.
Yeah, I'm a follower.
Always have been.
Oh, good, you found her.
- Althea, can you help me - Have a nice day.
Nailed it.
Hey, Bert.
You got a minute? - Sure, boss.
- Mmm.
Ooh, smells good.
- Vegetable soup? - Yep.
Steak.
What? Well, then Then you can't call it Okay, um Bert, we need to talk.
I'm all ears.
Well, technically, just this one right here.
Uh, so So, this is kind of hard for me, but you need to know that there's been a lot of complaints about the food.
Well, like my daddy always said, "complaint" is just one letter away from "compliment.
" I think your daddy wasn't much of a speller.
But, uh, but back to why I'm here.
Um, I Did I ever show you the picture of my little one getting confirmed? Oh.
Oh.
- Oh, she's adorable.
- Yeah.
And as soon as she gets the back brace off, she'll be able to run and jump with the other kids.
We're all pulling for her.
- Um, so, listen, uh - Course, with my wife being sick with the alcoholism and whatnot, I have to do most of the parenting.
But what can you do? Raising kids: the hardest job you'll ever love.
Sure.
Sure.
Speaking of jobs, um And I am so grateful for this one.
That's nice, but And about the food.
I know what the problem is.
- Oh, you do? - Yes.
Unsophisticated palates.
I'm giving these people cumin and paprika, but all they want is salt and pepper.
That's my bad.
I'm always reaching for the stars.
Uh, I don't remember anybody saying the food was too tasty.
You know I love those folks out there.
Me, too.
That's why I bought the place.
So you get it.
It's all about these wonderful, old bastards.
They are the reason that we are here.
Don't get me going.
It's like I got 24 grandmas and grandpas out there.
So, we good? I guess.
Um, Bert, please, please, ca Oh.
Can you Bert.
Bert, I I really need you to turn things around.
In the words of Mr.
Bill Withers, lean on me.
Okay.
Thank you.
You're so welcome.
Yeah.
Lean on me I'll carry on My wayward son Stand by me We've talked about it over and over, and she just blows me off like nothing I say matters.
Mm-hmm, go on.
I mean, there's a right way and a wrong way to do things.
You get that.
- I do.
- It's common knowledge you load a dishwasher with the bowls on top so they don't flip over and fill with water.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.
- Why? - Because you're wasting my life.
- Excuse me? - How many years have you been coming to me, complaining about your wife doing the laundry wrong, making the bed wrong, walking the dog wrong? Oh, and let's not forget the controversy over which way the toilet paper rolls.
If it comes from the top, you tear off a lot of squares.
I don't care! Nobody cares! Your problems are ridiculous.
Your wife, honestly, should leave you.
That's a little hurtful.
Is it?! Is it hurtful? Do you realize how close to death I was? And here I am.
A second chance, a new lease on life, and what am I doing? I'm listening to you bitch and moan about your stupid freaking dishwasher.
- Where you going? - I'm living my life.
Starting right now! And obviously, we didn't use the full hour, so your bill will reflect that.
Hello? Oh, hey.
- Couldn't sleep? - No.
Ah, it's hard getting used to a new place.
And the dull roar of the CPAP machines doesn't help.
Why are you up so late? Oh, I've always been a night owl.
Going out to clubs, dancing till the sun came up.
I love dancing.
Especially line dancing.
Two-step, boot scoot? I'm your huckleberry.
They do have a country music night here.
It's a pretty good time if you don't mind the DJ's Confederate flag.
Well, hopefully, I'll be long gone by then.
Oh, you're a short-timer, too? Yeah.
Soon as they figure out my meds, I'm out of here.
You? My son's turning the basement into a guest suite for me.
Oh, that's great.
And there's nothing his stupid cow of a wife can do about it.
I take it you don't get along with her.
I get along with everyone.
Sure.
Sorry.
She's a stupid cow.
Turn off your damn TV! I will not! I swear, I'll come in there and turn it off for you! Then be prepared to be bludgeoned by my walking stick! What's that? Two old men savoring the last few drops of their testosterone.
All right! I'm kicking the door down! You couldn't kick down a shower curtain! Spencer, what the hell? His TV is keeping me up.
It's my TV, and I'll watch it whenever I like! Peter, open the door! Fine.
But be warned, I have a weapon.
Put the walking stick down.
You're lucky she's here.
Yeah, I'm lucky.
What is going on? I like to fall asleep with my TV on.
But I hear it through the wall.
Okay, okay.
Very simple.
Headphones for you.
Earplugs for you.
I got a better idea.
How about he turns down - his freaking TV? - How about he sleeps in the parking lot? How about I take that walking stick and shove it up your Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Everybody go back to bed.
Peter, I will bring you some headphones.
- But I - No, no, no, no! Spencer, I will get you some earplugs.
Won't work.
I have unusually small earholes.
No, no, no, no! Just go back to bed! - Hey, Gina.
There's a - No, no, no, no! What's going on with your hair? Oh, I put some gel in it.
Do you like it? No.
Hey.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, hey.
Well, I was, uh, just in the neighborhood, and I thought maybe we could grab some coffee.
Are you still in your funk? That's actually progressed to full-blown freak-out.
Let's go talk.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
- Everything okay? - It will be.
- Is there a fire? - Nothing to worry about.
- I-I should probably - Yeah, of course.
Go.
Go.
Hey, you got a minute? I could really use a friend to talk to.
We're friends? Gabby.
Of course we are.
What's my last name? Okay, talk to you later.
What is going on in here? Grease fire.
Happens all the time.
Lucky I had this in my car.
Why didn't we have one in the kitchen? 'Cause I put it in my car.
What? Why would you Oh, never mind.
Bert, I-I am sorry.
I gave you a chance, but the food is still bad.
You're setting fires, probably 'cause you're drunk.
So So what? I think you know.
I really don't.
You do.
You absolutely do.
You're firing me? I'm saying regarding your employment status in this particular job, that's no more.
So you're firing me.
Your words.
But not an inaccurate description of your status.
Say it.
Say you're firing me.
Oh, Bert, I'm-I'm really I'm really sorry that I have to do this.
Say it.
You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! You're fired! Fired! You're fired.
Seriously? Why? Oh, this is ridiculous.
Who makes French toast with rye bread? Thank God I'm getting out of this place.
You're moving in with your son? Yes.
I'm going over there for dinner tonight.
It's a sort of welcome home celebration for Glam-ma.
Glam-ma? "Grandma" for women who are still doable.
Hey, Harry.
Mm.
How's your day going? Living the dream.
Good for you.
'Cause some days, it feels like you're drowning in the ocean, praying for a boat to come along and throw you a lifeline.
Yeah.
Everybody gets their turn in the barrel, but when it's you, all you can hope for is somebody to talk to.
You know? Somebody who cares.
Yeah, see, for me, I thought it might be Gina, but she's got this place to worry about, so stick a pin in that donkey, I guess.
Okay, let me put it to you this way.
Help me.
Drew, if you're not happy with your life, do something about it.
Yeah, see, I just don't know what that might be.
It doesn't matter.
Just got to stop thinking.
You got to do.
Well, that is food for thought.
Are you not listening? I just told you, no thinking.
Do.
No, I-I get it.
You're thinking, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
Like a thousand screaming monkeys in here.
What are you doing? Having breakfast.
Is that a problem? Move away from me.
You move away from me.
Don't make me ask you again.
Oh, does this bother you? No.
Does this bother you? What the hell?! Be prepared, there's more where that came from! You okay? I fired Bert.
You really did it? Hard to believe, right? Two weeks ago, I was driving the van and making beds, and now I'm ruining a man's life and destroying his family.
The only thing his daughter is getting for Christmas is scoliosis.
Okay, that's a little much.
But you do paint a picture.
I was just trying to do the right thing for everybody.
You did.
You're a hero.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
Thanks.
So, who'd you hire to replace him? What? Lunch is in two hours.
You have 25 senior citizens expecting to eat.
I didn't think of that.
From hero to zero, just like that.
Hey! It's Food Court Friday! Who wants pizza? - Who wants Chinese? - Who wants hot dogs on a stick? Hey.
Got a minute for your P.
Daddy? My what? Oh, it's a play on P.
Diddy.
What is that? Never mind.
Homework? Yeah.
Never fun.
And it's, like, every day.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, did you hear Pink changed her hair to blue? What's next, Taylor Swift becomes Taylor Slow? What do you want, Dad? Yeah, busted.
Okay.
Look, I am here on a mission.
How would you feel about taking a father-daughter road trip across our great land? - A road trip? - Yeah.
Think of all the stuff we'll see.
Majestic mountains, raging rivers, giant balls of twine.
Pass.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
Crikey, mate, we're going on an adventure.
Are you dying again? No.
No, I have a clean bill of health.
I just want to take advantage of it.
What happened with you and Gina? I thought you were going for it.
Maybe down the road.
Right now, she's focusing on work, and I am focusing all my attention on you.
Boop.
So, what do you say? Let's hit the road.
You know, I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been to me.
Look, Dad, when you got sick, I worried about you all the time.
But now you're better, so So you want to go back to being a regular teenager who doesn't have time for her father? That would be so great.
Hello, fellow night owl.
Hi, Jerry.
So, uh, what you drinking? Vodka.
- And? - Vodka.
- Not fooling around.
- No.
I'm guessing things didn't go well with your son.
He said he had to choose his marriage over me.
Wives and mothers.
It's a tricky dance.
I let him live in my body, he can't let me live in his basement? Well, I'm sure he still loves you.
I know.
That's why I'm gonna make Christmas a living hell for all of them.
Well, not to be selfish, but I'm glad you're not leaving.
I'd miss you.
That's very sweet.
If you're going to try to kiss me, this is not the right time.
- Oh, no, I wasn't.
- I'm not saying I'm not interested.
It's just not the right time.
I promise you I wasn't thinking that.
Oh, Jerry, your nose isn't the only thing that's growing.
I told you, I don't have it.
So my remote just sprouted legs and walked out of my room? Hey, I was a cop.
I don't steal.
Although there's no law against hiding stuff.
Can I have your attention, everybody? Hello? Thank you.
It is my pleasure to announce that we have filled the chef position.
All right! Good for you.
Hello.
It's the same idiot.
How senile do you think we are? - Harry, throw your shoe at him.
- Hold on.
Hold on.
As you all know, I bought this place to make everybody's lives better, but what you don't know is that includes the staff.
Nobody's getting fired.
This is absurd.
The man's cooking's an abomination! Kills me to say so, but Peter's right.
Why, thank you, Spencer.
And your remote's in a baggie in your toilet tank.
Oh, very clever.
Bert, why don't you tell them what you just told me.
Oh, that if it meant not getting fired, I would suck No.
The other thing.
Oh, right.
I pledged to Gina that there will be no more drinking on the job.
- Or? - LSD.
Continue.
Ramon the dishwasher will no longer cook lunch while I bang my girlfriend in one of your rooms.
- I thought you were married.
- Sometimes.
It's complicated.
But most important, I really do love my job, and I'm asking you all for another chance.
Whose room did you use? We switch it up.
You know, keep it fresh.
So, what do you say? Oh.
Just-just go.
Cook something.
They're hangry.
Okay, I got one more, and it's a good one.
Mm-hmm.
Know what they called Post Malone before he became a rapper? No.
Pre Malone.
This is why I don't invite friends over.
What's with the sign? Well, I decided to stop thinking and just do.
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