Pingu's Big Lanky Cough Drop Wrapper (funnypasta)

Today was a mistful goddamn evening. I was eating the brand new taco bell piss nachos and drinking the cyanide that some guy in a black suit offered me in the alleyway. I was on the youareanidiot website when I saw an ad for a Pingu episode titled "Pingu Free VHS On thecatwontstoplicking.com" so I clicked on it. I was brought to... well according to the url it was "thecatwontstoplicking.com/stupidepisodes/freepinguvhs2023" but I continued on, and I ordered the VHS and waited 30 minutes while eating my taco bell piss nachos and watching the five nights at freddys movie. after 420 minutes the package got here and I was excited to see my new VHS of Pingu. I shoved the VHS in my dvd player (don't ask me how I got it in) and saw there was only one episode. I clicked on it and the screen faded to black. The title screen showed up but Pingu was wielding a gun and shooting it at the sky with horses running in the background. The title of the episode showed after the intro, which said "Pingu's Big Lanky Cough Drop Wrapper." The episode began with Pingu bouncing on his bed and pretending to be a superhero, when he "flew" outside and got a fish that was hung up. Grandfather walked to Pingu and told him about something very sinister. I thought Grandfather was telling Pingu about someone called... Ronald McDonald... Pingu made a penis face because he didn't know who or what Ronald McDonald even is. Pinga invisioned Ronald McDonald as a walrus who... PLAYS WITH OTHER PENGUINS' PENISES AND LIGHTS THEM ON FIRE AFTERWARDS. After the vision ended, Pinga screamed and ran away. Pingu just went back inside and watched the local news which said that the north pole had gotten a new case of Wither. This confused me, as wither was a minecraft effect. Pingu then ate dinner and went to bed as a "the next morning" timecard appeared. It then showed Pingu going to the new amusement park when the park was closed, with a sign that read "Closed due to wither and Ronald McDonald." Pingu also saw Pingj and Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg trying to climb into the amusement park like sneaky little bastards. Good god I want more taco bell piss nachos. Pingu said "noot noot!" which made Pingj and Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg notice him and look at him for about a few seconds before going towards him. Impostor from among us came out of damn nowhere saying "Hey sussy bussy" and did the default dance from fortnite. Pingu, Pingj and Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg then flew away t-posing more than 10 kilometers away from impostor amog us, and Chemical Plant Zone from soenoc the hodhegog played in the background. Then a black hole formed and out of it came........... OH MY DEAR LORD! IT WAS RONALD MCDONALD! HE LOOKED LIKE A YELLOW SUITED CLOWN WITH RED HAIR AND WHITE SKIN PAINT. Pingu, Pinga, Pingj, and Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg all screamed at the sight of Ronald McDonald. Pinga ran away screeching as Ronald McDonald slowly levitated towards Pingu, Pingj, and Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg. An epic battle started with angry birds star wars 2 boss music playing in the background. Ronald McDonald was winning as he was a powerful clown, but Dr Eggman appeared from the sky and said "Shadow the hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker!" Dr Eggman then started pissing and Ronald McDonald was killed by suffocating in piss. Pingu, Pingj, and Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg were at first happy that they won against Ronald McDonald, but Eggman's piss MELTED THE NORTH POLE AND DROWNED EVERYBODY LIVING INSIDE IT. It then cut to a place called Kong Isle. Donkey Kong welcomed everybody to the new place saying it was Heaven. Pingu, Pinga, Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg, Pingj and Robby were seen playing hopscotch. A friend of Donkey Kong called Lanky Kong asked if he could... TAKE A BITE OUT OF A MASSIVE COCK! Pingj agreed and then they banged in the banana horde. Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg was oddly pissed at the moans from afar, there was text above him reading "Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg is finally done with your god damn shit" in sans serif font. Pingegegegegegeggegegegegegegegggegegegegegegegegeggeg got into a tank and drove to where Lanky Kong and Pingj were. Both of them were covered in S E M E N. Pingj shot them with the tank and the episode ended right after he did so. The credits were in crude handwriting as the song "Letter to Memphis" played instead of the normal credits theme. After that, a jumpscare occured. It was feeddy faezbraoeer on the toilet with captions saying "SHOULDN'T HAVE WENT TO THE BELL OF TACOS FUCKING DAMN IT!!!1!1!!1!!one!!" I horrified after the jumpscare. I yeeted my television so bad that it shattered like an ice cube when I hit it with a frying pan. I went into my closet, found a wooden sword, and stabbed myself in the intestines... yup... I hope nobody will find thecatwontstoplicking.com because it was a shitty site to begin with...