Fine Dining

Fine Dining is the first episode of the spin-off series PatBeard, and also the first episode of season 1. It was written by Locknloaded23, and released August 20, 2023.
== Plot ==
PatBeard and SquidBow have dinner at a fancy restaurant.
== Script ==
(Fade in to an art gallery, where in front of a large painting is Patrick Star with a beard and tuxedo, and Squidward wearing a bowtie)
PatBeard: Hmmm.
SquidBow: What’s the matter, PatBeard?
PatBeard: Oh, nothing’s the matter, SquidBow ol’ chum. I was simply observing this masterful work of art.
SquidBow: Ah. I see. This is truly a pristine masterpiece, isn’t it?
PatBeard: You got that right, buddy.
(The two stare at the piece of art for an extended period of time)
SquidBow: I gotta take a shit.
(Cut to SquidBow exiting the bathroom as PatBeard is waiting for him)
PatBeard: How was your dookie, SquidBow?
SquidBow: It was exquisite. It was soft and mushy - came out of my anus like a dream, without burning my rectum afterwards, as fecal matter is known to do.
PatBeard: Fantastic. Now, what say we observe more works of art?
SquidBow: Actually, I am getting rather hungry. What say we stop by a fancy restaurant and dine out? 
PatBeard: That sounds lovely.
(Cut to the 2 of them entering a boat, with PatBeard as the driver)
PatBeard: Have you fastened your seat belt?
SquidBow: No, I don’t believe seat belts actually work.
PatBeard: But, SquidBow, without it, you could die in a horrible car accident.
SquidBow: Yeah, and I have never been in a car accident. I’ll be fine.
(The car starts, but as soon as PatBeard drives even a little forward, the car hits one just in front of it, and SquidBow suddenly goes flying out the front)
PatBeard: What a dumbass. I told him to wear a seatbelt.
(Cut to SquidBow flying through the sky, screaming as he is flung all across the town, eventually ending with him landing perfectly into the back seat where he was before)
PatBeard: Still hate seat belts?
SquidBow: That was one in a million. I’m fine. Just a little bit of internal bleeding and organ rupture.
PatBeard: Whatever you say.
(PatBeard backs up the car and once again hits a car, as SquidBow flies through the front again; sudden cut to the both of them sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant)
PatBeard: Now, this is what I call a fancy restaurant.
SquidBow: I’ll say. The atmosphere is impeccable.
PatBeard: The waiters are handsome and friendly.
SquidBow: The food looks divine. 
PatBeard: Indeed.
(A waiter approaches and puts their food on the table)
Waiter: Here’s your food, good sirs.
SquidBow: Thank you!
PatBeard: Yes, many thanks.
(SquidBow salivates when he sees the food)
PatBeard: Uh, do you need a napkin?
SquidBow: What? Oh, no. This food just looks so damn tasty.
PatBeard: Well, it does indeed look most appetizing. What say we dig in?
SquidBow: Absolutely.
(PatBeard takes a bite and rubs his stomach)
PatBeard: Mmmmmmm! This is delicious! How’s yours, SquidBow?
(SquidBow looks at his food, delicately picks up a fork, slowly pokes the food, lifts it, and takes a tiny bite, as he swallows and puts his fork down, silent for a few seconds)
SquidBow: Wow, that sucked. 
PatBeard: (Sighs, puts down fork) Yeah, this food isn't very good. Why do we always come here?
SquisBow: I don't know. We're probably just stupid. 
PatBeard: Should we bounce?
SquidBow: Yup. Let's vamoose.
(Sudden cut to SquidBow once again being launched out the front of the car as it cuts them walking down the street)
SquidBow: God, my stomach is NOT digesting that food very well.
PatBeard: We’re almost to our mansion. Just hold it in.
SquidBow: I’m trying.
PatBeard: Try harder, then.
SquidBow: Fuck you, PatBeard.
PatBeard: Fuck you too, SquidBow.
(The two just continue walking until they get to the front door of their mansion; PatBeard tries opening the gate but he can’t)
PatBeard: Oh, that’s right - How silly of me. I gave you the keys. May I have the keys?
SquidBow: The keys? I don’t have the keys.
PatBeard: But, I know for a fact I gave you the keys.
SquidBow: No, you didn’t. I don’t have them in my pocket.
PatBeard: I know for a FACT I gave you the keys. What did you do with them?
SquidBow: I don’t have the damn keys, PatBeard!
PatBeard: Empty your pockets.
SquidBow: Huh?
PatBeard: Empty your pockets. I want to see them.
(SquidBow empties all his pockets, and the keys don’t fall out)
PatBeard: Well, that’s just great! I must’ve left the keys inside. I have to call our butler now, and he’s probably asleep at this -
(SquidBow burps, and PatBeard just slowly begins stares at him)
PatBeard: Did you eat the keys, SquidBow?
SquidBow: Uhhhh, yeah. Probably.
(Out of nowhere, PatBeard punches SquidBow in his stomach, and the keys fly out of his mouth and into PatBeard’s hands)
SquidBow: OW! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THAT HURT SO MUCH!
PatBeard: Quit whining. We have the keys now.
SquidBow: I think you broke a rib…
(PatBeard walks into the mansion as SquidBow slowly follows, holding his stomach; Cut to the two of them in their pajamas, walking upstairs)
PatBeard: (Yawns) Well, that was a good day, wouldn’t you say, SquidBow?
SquidBow: No, it really wasn’t.
PatBeard: Yeah, you’re right. That wasn’t one of the best days I’ve ever had.
SquidBow: Let’s just go to bed. Our SEPARATE beds. Because we’re NOT GAY.
PatBeard: Indubitably. Goodnight, SquidBow, I’m going to MY OWN BEDROOM BECAUSE I AM HETEROSEXUAL.
SquidBow: Me too, I love my HETEROSEXUAL BED.
PatBeard: Good HETEROSEXUAL AND NOT GAY night, SquidBow.
SquidBow: Good I LIKE WOMEN AND NOT MEN, PatBeard.
(They go into their separate bedrooms and close the door; the episode fades to black)
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