Episode 310: Marisa Berenson/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 310: Marisa Berenson.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Oh, Marisa Berenson, thirty-five seconds to curtain, Miss Berenson.
Marisa 	Thank you. Oh, Scooter, who does all this luggage belong to?
Scooter	Oh, didn't you know? It's a gift to you from the show.
 	
Marisa 	Now, wait a minute. This isn't some kind of weird Muppet luggage that's gonna blow up or turn into cheese like everything else on this strange show?
Scooter	(giggles) No, no, no, it's just regular alligator luggage.
Marisa 	Oh, good.
 	The suitcases sprout eyes and teeth and begin growling.
Marisa 	(laughing) Oh! Oh, no… (one of them nibbles at her and she giggles)
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Marisa Berenson!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	Why don't we leave?
Waldorf	Where would we go?
Statler	(shrugs)
 	
 	Gonzo starts to blow his trumpet, but Kermit cuts in with his own trumpet, blowing Gonzo out of the "O".
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where tonight's special guest star is the beautiful international film star, Miss Marisa Berenson. But first, on our show, we've done traditional dances from many countries, but never Russia. Well, tonight, their luck has run out.
 	
 	A group of Russian pigs perform the "Red Pigs Dance".
Statler	Well, there goes détente.
Waldorf	(looks around) Where?
Statler	Never mind.
==Backstage==
 	The jugglers walk onstage, while the pigs come offstage.
Kermit 	OK, get onstage, jugglers. Way to go, gang. Nothing like a good old-fashioned Russian pig dance.
Lew Zealand	Oh, boy, if you liked that act, you're gonna love mine.
Kermit 	Uh, who are you?
 	
Lew Zealand	Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act. (pretends to throw a fish) Whoo!
Kermit 	Uh — Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act?
Lew Zealand	Oh, yeah. Hey, it's razzle-dazzle.
Kermit 	Uh, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not booking any highbrow acts just now.
Lew Zealand	Hmm. Well, think about it, OK? (smells his fish) Come on, Seymour, you need a bath.
 	He walks away. An amorous Piggy approaches Kermit.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, thank you for putting me in charge of the closing sketch. You just cannot say no to me, can you?
Kermit 	Well, I — I can, but it hurts a lot. (notices the paper she's holding) Uh, is that the sketch there?
Miss Piggy 	Yes, it is, yes.
Kermit 	Well, uh, tell me about it.
 	
Miss Piggy 	Uh, it's a secret.
Kermit 	What?
Miss Piggy 	Well, I'll tell you the title.
Kermit 	OK, what is the title of the closing sketch?
Miss Piggy 	"The Wedding".
Kermit 	"The Wedding".
Miss Piggy 	Mm-hmm. You see, you're the groom and moi am the bride. Haha! Isn't that a silly idea? Isn't that funny? (laughs)
Kermit 	Uh, maybe.
Miss Piggy 	(embraces him) Oh, Kermie! Oh, it shall be so wonderful! Uh, funny, funny I mean, funny.
 	She showers him with kissy-kissys.
==Feather boa dance==
 	Meanwhile, onstage, Gonzo witnesses what's going on backstage.
Gonzo 	Oh, boy, uh, Kermit's kind of busy just now. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, the lovely and talented Marisa Berenson!
 	
 	The curtain opens on a garden setting at night. Marisa dances to a light instrumental of the "Borsalino Theme" with some feather boas.
Statler	Did you like that number?
Waldorf	Speak up! My hearing aid's busted.
Statler	DID YOU LIKE THAT NUMBER?
Waldorf	I liked what I heard.
Statler	What did you hear?
Waldorf	"Did you like that number?"
Statler	(groans)
==Backstage==
 	The boas float past Kermit and Lew.
Lew Zealand	I tell you, it's terrific. Yeah, you see, I throw the fish into the air, they sail away, and then they come back to me!
Kermit 	Yeah, but I don't care about boomerang fish acts.
 	
Lew Zealand	Oh, you will. They're coming back. (exits)
Kermit 	Uh, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, um, yes, hello, Kermie.
Kermit 	Piggy, come back here.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Kermie, how aggressive and manly you sound.
 	
Kermit 	Never mind the sweet talk. I just wanna know more about this wedding sketch. I mean, I've gotta learn my lines.
Miss Piggy 	Well, you only have one line.
Kermit 	I do?
Miss Piggy 	Exactly.
 	She heads to her dressing room.
Kermit 	Uh, that's not what I mean. Besides, the thing you forget is that I don't!
Miss Piggy 	(scoffs) Kermie, it's just a simple comedy sketch.
Kermit 	Uh … yeah, well, I know that.
Miss Piggy 	A comedy sketch, Kermie. It's not as if he were a real minister.
 	Inside her dressing room, she is hiding a minister pig.
 	
Miss Piggy 	Now, you are a real minister, right? (he nods)
==Muppet Sports==
 	The opening montage plays.
Louis 	Hello, sports fans, this is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet sports. Today finds us at the national wig racing championships. (aside, sotto voice) Wig racing? Uh-huh. Well, luckily, I have one of the trainers here, who may be able to explain.
Wig trainer	Uh, yes, sir.
Louis 	Today is my first time out wig racing, sir, or do you call this a derby?
Wig trainer	Uh, no, sir, this is a wig, (points to his hat) this is a derby. (snickers)
Louis 	Uh, does the wig have a name?
 	
Wig trainer	I call this wig Greased Lightning.
Louis 	'Cause it's speedy?
Wig trainer	No, 'cause it's greasy.
Louis 	Don't you use a shampoo?
Wig trainer	Uh, no, sir, I do not use sham-poo for my wigs. Only use real poo. Nothing but the best poo for my wigs.
 	A whistle blows.
Louis 	Oh, ah! That whistle means that the wigs are on the blocks.
 	A bugle sounds. The referee fires a pistol, and the wigs start racing. A crowd of dogs cheers them on.
Louis 	And they're off!
 	Lew's wig runs after them.
Louis 	Mine's off! Hey! (runs after it)
==UK spot==
	
	Robin sings "Someone to Watch Over Me", accompanied by Rowlf on piano.
==Dressing room==
 	Marisa knocks on Piggy's dressing room door.
Miss Piggy	(irritated) What is it?! (hums)
Marisa 	Oh, Miss Piggy, do you need any help?
Miss Piggy	Uh... Oh, Marisa, well, just a moment.
Marisa 	A beautiful bridal gown.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. Yes, well, it's a traditional wedding scene. Something old, something new, something borrowed and something green.
Marisa 	Sounds like a real wedding to me, rather than a sketch.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Well, it's um... it's a realistic sketch, mm-hmm.
Marisa 	Is it?
Miss Piggy	Um … Marisa!
Marisa 	Yes, dear?
Miss Piggy	Would you be a dear? Would you lace me up?
Marisa 	Well, of course.
 	Marisa grabs Piggy's girdle laces and starts pulling.
Miss Piggy	Yes. That's it. Tighter, dear.
Marisa 	Tighter?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. Tighter.
Marisa 	Tighter?
Miss Piggy	I gotta go down three sizes. (grunts)
Marisa 	You're going through an awful lot of trouble. How long does this sketch last?
Miss Piggy	Till death do us part! (grunts) All right, now, listen, kid, uh, just on the count of three, pull. Ready, one... two... (inhales) … THREE!!
 	
 	Marisa uses her foot as extra force to tighten Piggy's girdle.
Scooter 	Oh, Marisa, you're wanted onstage in a minute.
Marisa 	My goodness, I've got to get dressed. Here, hold these.
 	She hands the laces to Scooter, and both he and Piggy are propelled to the end of the room. Marisa exits, and Piggy and Scooter get up, dazed.
 	Meanwhile, back in the balcony …
Statler 	Is your hearing aid fixed?
Waldorf 	No.
Statler 	Then how do you know what I'm saying?
Waldorf 	I don't.
Statler 	Oh.
=="Do-Re-Mi"==
 	
 	Kermit leads Annie Sue, Scooter, Fozzie, Beauregard, Robin and a green Whatnot in a rendition of "Do Re Mi.
Kermit 	Doe, a deer, a female deer.
Annie Sue 	Ray, a drop of golden sun.
Scooter 	Me, a name I call myself.
Whatnot (SW)	Fa, a long long way to run.
Robin 	So, a needle pulling thread.
Beauregard 	La, a note to follow so.
Kermit 	Tea, a drink with jam and bread.
 	Fozzie misses his cue.
Fozzie 	Me?
Scooter 	Me, a name I call myself.
Whatnot (SW)	Fa, a long long way to run.
Robin 	So, a needle pulling thread.
Beauregard 	La, a note to follow so.
Kermit 	Tea, a drink with jam and bread.
Fozzie 	Now?
Kermit 	Go!
Fozzie 	Go, a gear, a female gear.
Kermit 	No!
Scooter 	No, a near, a female near.
Kermit 	Oh, what the hey.
Annie Sue 	Hay, a hop of holden hun.
Kermit 	Fozzie!
Fozzie 	A name I call myself.
Kermit 	No, it should be Beau.
Scooter 	Beau, a beer, a female beer.
Kermit 	Will you go away?
Whatnot (SW)	Way, a dwop of wolden won.
 	The music stops as they all squabble.
Kermit 	Now, now, just listen to me.
Beauregard 	(taking a cue) Me, and my shadow…
Muppets 	Doe, a deer, a female deer…
Kermit 	Hold it! Come on, you're ruining the whole song!
 	The music stops as they all squabble. The curtain closes.
=="You're Always Welcome at Our House"==
 	Kermit comes out from behind the curtain.
Kermit 	Uh... and now, to, uh, bring a note of culture to the show... uh, is the set changed yet?
Voice (FO)	Yeah, it's OK, frog.
Kermit 	Uh, okay. Here is the lovely and talented, Miss Marisa Berenson.
 	
 	Marisa sings "You're Always Welcome at Our House". Various Whatnots are trapped in the house as described in the verses of the song, and help sing the chorus.
==Canteen==
 	The Swedish Chef decorates the cake as Gladys walks by.
Gladys 	Yeah, one liver sandwich. (notices the cake) Chef! Why, that's beautiful!
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Gladys 	You know, I only have to take one look at this wedding cake and I feel like cryin'. Heaven knows why.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... de cåke and de høniöns. (displays some onions)
Gladys 	You what?
Swedish Chef	Høniöns.
Gladys 	Raw onions in a wedding cake?
Swedish Chef	Oh, jå, høniöns vëry gøød før the sînüsøës. (squeezes his nose)
 	
Gladys 	Yeah, clears the head.
Swedish Chef	Jå.
Gladys 	This cake'll clear the church!
 	The Chef continues working. Gladys notices a fly.
Gladys 	Oh, curse these flies.
 	She swats the fly with the liver sandwich.
Gladys 	They get all over the food.
Lew Zealand 	Hey, what about my sandwich?
Gladys 	Here it is.
Lew Zealand 	Great. Oh, a liver sandwich, and say, I'd like something on the side.
 	
Gladys 	Well, there already is something on the side.
Lew Zealand 	Ah. (eats the fly) Mmm. (picks up the sandwich) Blechh! (tosses it)
Gladys 	Yeah. Yeah, aside from the raw onions, it's a nice cake, chef.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) …de lîttlë Pïggÿ brïdee. (displays a Miss Piggy figurine)
Gladys 	Hmm. I can see it's just as light as a feather.
Swedish Chef	Jå.
 	He places it on top of the cake next to the Kermit figurine, and it sinks down into the cake.
 	
Gladys 	Pity we can't say the same for the bride. (shrugs)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit is dressed in a tuxedo.
Lew Zealand	Hey, hey! Come on! Let me throw one fish, just one fish! Then you'll see.
Kermit 	Uh, listen, when I book a boomerang fish act on this show, some very warm places will freeze over.
Lew Zealand	Thanks a lot! Uh, I'll wait over there. (walks away)
Kermit 	But, uh...
Scooter 	Hey Kermit, there's this dear, little old lady in the audience who wants your autograph for her sick grandson. Sign here. (holds up a paper)
 	
Kermit 	(signs it) Oh, okay. Yeah. Hey, listen, is everything ready for this dumb wedding sketch?
Scooter 	Sure, the set's onstage, everyone's in costume, you signed the license— uh, you signed the autograph.
Kermit 	What was that?
Scooter 	Oh, nothing. Just go ahead. Introduce the wedding.
 	He pushes Kermit onstage. Kermit stammers.
==The wedding==
 	A fanfare plays as Scooter pushes Kermit onstage.
Scooter 	Go ahead.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, well, today, folks, uh, Miss Piggy has prepared a silly wedding sketch. Uh, naturally, it's just for fun, and...
Pig minister	Excuse me.
Kermit 	What is it?
 	
Pig minister	Can we start soon? I'm saying vespers at St. Anne's in half an hour. (walks off)
Kermit 	What? (a cane yanks him away)
Scooter 	And now, the wedding sketch.
 	The curtain opens on a church interior. Rowlf plays the organ, and a group of pigs sits on one side, while a group of frogs (and Fozzie) sits on the other. Kermit enters, a bit baffled, but goes to the altar anyway. The pig minister arrives at the altar. Meanwhile in the wings, Marisa stands with Piggy, dressed in bridal regalia.
 	
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh, Marisa, do I look all right?
Marisa 	You look radiant, my dear.
Miss Piggy 	Oh!
 	She kisses Piggy. Piggy makes her way to the altar, nervously. Rowlf plays "Here Comes the Bride".
Kermit 	Uh, you sure this is gonna be funny?
Miss Piggy 	Trust me.
 	
Pig minister	Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this pig and this frog in holy wedlock.
 	The pigs cry. In the wings, Animal stands by Marisa, also crying.
 	
Marisa 	I guess everyone cries at weddings.
Animal 	(laughs)
Marisa 	No, cries at weddings.
Animal 	Oh. (moaning)
Pig minister	If there is anyone present who knows why this pig and this frog should not be joined in matrimony, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.
 	The frogs murmur. A mother pig smacks her child.
Miss Piggy 	Do it!
Pig minister	Do you, Piggy, take this frog to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Miss Piggy 	(sighs) I do.
Pig minister	And do you, Kermit, take this pig to be your lawfully wedded wife?
 	Piggy nods.
Kermit 	I … (pause) … I …
 	Piggy nods. Kermit starts nodding with her.
Kermit 	… I wanna introduce to you, the amazing Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish!
 	
 	Lew takes the stage and starts throwing fish as vaudevillian music plays. Piggy chases Kermit around the church as Wayne sings an aria and nearly catches a fish in his mouth. The scene ends in chaos, with fish being thrown around willy-nilly by everyone. Marisa catches a fish and giggles.
Marisa 	This is a comedy sketch, after all.
Kermit 	Well, it is now. (hides behind Marisa)
Miss Piggy 	Kermit! We'll see if you laugh with a flipper crammed down your throat!
 	The chase resumes.
Kermit 	Close the curtains! Close the curtains!
 	The curtains close. Kermit comes out.
Kermit 	Uh, and so we come to the finish of Miss Piggy's wedding sketch...
Miss Piggy 	That's not the finish. This is the finish. Hi-YAH!
 	She kicks him through the curtain.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, time seems to be running out, not only for the show, but for me. Ahem. So, let us quickly welcome back the lovely and talented Miss Marisa Berenson, yaaayy!
 	Applause.
 	
Marisa 	Thank you, Kermit...
Miss Piggy	KERMIT!!!
Kermit 	Listen, Marisa, I'm gonna have to rush. Uh, would you mind saying good night for me?
Marisa 	Me?
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
Marisa 	How exciting.
Miss Piggy	Exciting?? Marisa, you ain't seen nothin' yet!
 	The chase resumes.
Marisa 	What do I say?
Kermit 	Just say, uh, "We'll see you next time…"
 	
Miss Piggy	KERMIIIT!
Marisa 	We'll see you next time...
Kermit 	"…on The Muppet Show".
Miss Piggy	Fat chance!
Marisa 	On The Muppet Show.
 	The credits roll. Kermit hides in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Kermit 	If you guys let me hide here, I'll give you tickets to next week's show.
 	
 	They look at each other, then toss him overboard.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts