The Barely Even Christmas Related Christmas Special!

The Barely Even Christmas Related Christmas Special! is a one-off Christmas special written by AllisonLoaded. It released on December 25, 2022.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins with Squidward watching TV)
Squidward: Man. There really is never anything good on, is there? Besides the porn channels, of course. Say, let’s visit them right now! (Squidward laughs as he clicks the remote but suddenly stops laughing) “SUBSCRIPTION EXPIRED?!” (Throws remote at TV, causing it to break and spark) Oh, god fucking damnit. Now I’ve got to go to the store to steal another TV.
(Squidward puts on his jacket and opens the door, but he screams when he sees SpongeBob and Patrick standing)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!
Squidward: What the FUCK are you two doing here? 
SpongeBob: Well, it’s December 25th, so we’re just seeing if you have that Christmas spirit.
Squidward: (Sigh) No, SpongeBob. I don’t have “that Christmas spirit.” I don’t even celebrate Christmas.
SpongeBob: You don’t celebrate Christmas?!
Squidward: I never have. Have you just never noticed?
Patrick: SpongeBob, it’s obvious why he doesn’t celebrate Christmas. 
SpongeBob: Well, why?
Patrick: Duh. Look at him.
SpongeBob: (Glances at Squidward) I… really don't get what you mean, Patrick.
Patrick: C'mon, SpongeBob, the nose. look at his nose.
SpongeBob: The nose? What do you mean the- (Realizes what Patrick means, sighs) Patrick, please don't-
Patrick: He's Jewish, SpongeBob. It's because he’s Jewish.
Squidward: Patrick, WHAT?!
Patrick: Yeah, it’s obvious! I mean, look at your nose. That’s a dead giveaway right there.
SpongeBob: Patrick, please, you promised you wouldn't do this shit today.
Patrick: What?! I thought it was obvious.
SpongeBob: So by your logic, do you think ALL squids are Jewish?
Patrick: Well, duh.
Squidward: (Sighs) Patrick, I really don’t have the damn time for this unbelievably large amount of anti-semitism. I’m going to the store to steal a TV.
SpongeBob: So… wait, you’re just gonna say that? In public? You’re just admitting a crime in public?
Squidward: Who cares? I mean, the police in this town are probably too busy beating black guys to death to stop me.
Patrick: Hey, hey, blue lives matter!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you’re not making yourself look any better.
Squidward: I can’t believe we thought it was a good idea electing President Snoop Dogg.
SpongeBob: Yeah, we really dropped the ball on that one, didn’t we? 
Squidward: (Watch beeps) Oh shit, I gotta get there quick; the store closes in 30 minutes! (Runs away)
Patrick: (Quietly) I like President Dogg…
(Cut to Squidward running towards Barg N’ Mart)
Squidward: (Checks watch) Shit, I only got 25 minutes! Why the fuck didn’t I take my boat?
(Sudden cut to Squidward in court)
Judge: On the grounds of vehicular murder, I hereby revoke your drivers’ license. (Slams gavel)
(Cut back)
Squidward: Oh yeah.
(Squidward suddenly bumps into Mr. Krabs)
Krabs: HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FUCKIN’ GOING! I OUGHTA FUCK YOUR DAUGHTER- (Notices who he bumped into) Oh, it’s you.
Squidward: Hi Krabs. I don't have much time to talk, I’m stealing a TV.
Krabs: Why the hell are you doing that?
Squidward: I broke my old TV after my porno channel subscription expired.
Krabs: (Brief pause) Well, have fun with that. (Walks off)
(Cut to Squidward running inside Barg N’ Mart)
Squidward: Alright, where are the TVs? (Looks at store worker) Excuse me, what aisle has the TVs?
Worker: That aisle, over there.
Squidward: Thanks.
(Squidward runs to to the TV aisle but realizes it’s totally empty)
Squidward: Oh, what the HELL?! Where the FUCK are all the TVs?!
(A fish walks by holding a TV)
Squidward: Sir, is that the last TV?
Fish: Yeah, sure is. I’m lucky I got here to snatch it. Heh, slowpoke. Dumbass can’t even get a TV in time.
Squidward: (Points to the ceiling) Hey, what’s that?
Fish: (Looks where Squidward pointed) Wha?
(Squidward kicks the fish very hard in the balls, making him drop and break the TV)
Squidward: Wow. I REALLY should have thought that through.
Officer: (Walks to Squidward) Excuse me, sir, but did I just see you kick that guy in his balls?
Squidward: Uh, no. No, you must need glasses.
Officer: No, I’m fairly certain I caught you kicking this dude in his balls.
Squidward: No, I really think you saw something else.
Officer: If I didn’t see you kick him in the balls, what the hell did I catch you doing?
Squidward: Uh… I was…
Officer: Sir, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to come with me.
Squidward: (Points at ceiling) Look over there!
(Instead of looking, the guard slams his baton right in Squidward’s balls, making him fall on the floor; sudden cut to Squidward in a jail cell)
Squidward: God, I fucking hate this town. Before Dogg was elected, kicking a guy in the balls wouldn’t land you a fucking LIFE SENTENCE. At most it’d lend you 60 years.
Patrick: (Offscreen) Squdiward?
Squidward: Patrick?
(Camera reveals Patrick is sitting in the cell)
Squidward: Patrick, how the fuck did you get in here?
Patrick: How did YOU get in here?
Squidward: I kicked a guy in the balls. What about you?
Patrick: I am here cus apparently the Geneva Convention exists and nobody told me.
(Cut to Patrick as a soldier torturing and shooting starved prisoners and laughing evilly; cut back)
Squidward: (Sighs, collapses on bed) Well… Guess I’m spending the rest of my life here.
Patrick: Hey, it ain’t so bad. I have a lot in common with the people here.
Squidward: Yeah? Like, how?
Patrick: I’m a white supremacist.
Squidward: Sorry I asked.
Officer: (Stepping in) Mr. Tentacles? You’re free to go.
Squidward: Wait, my life sentence is over already? Am I dead?
Officer: No, dumbass. You got a pardon.
Squidward: A pardon? From who?
(President Snoop Dogg steps in)
Snoop Dogg: The Presidizzle.
Squidward: President Snoop Dogg?! You’re pardoning me?
Snoop Dogg: Fo' shizzle.
Squidward: Wow, this certainly is a surprise. You know, especially after all the… things I tweeted about you.
Snoop Dogg: The only tweet I saw you make was the one about me killing young childrizzle. Were there mizzle?
Squidward: “Mizzle?”
Snoop Dogg: (Sighs) More. Were there more.
Squidward: Oh, WAY more. I got my account suspended for them. But regardless, why are you pardoning me?
Snoop Dogg: Because I understizzle your strugizzles. I once didn’t belizzile in christmizzle like yizzle, and I even kicked a motherfizzle in his balls for his televizzle because my porn channel subscription expired. But I soon came to realizzle what Christmizzle truly is about: not being in prison for kicking a man in his balls. 
Squidward: Thanks, President Snoop Dogg. Maybe I was wrong about you…
Snoop Dogg: Merry Christmizzle, Squizzle.
Squidward: Merry Christmizzle to you too, Snoop Dogg.
Snoop Dogg: Okay, maybe leave the mizzles to me. It sounds wrong coming out of your mouth.
Squidward: Oh, alright. 
Snoop Dogg: Have a good Christmizzle, my Squigga. 
(Squidward puts his hand on Snoop Dogg's shoulder when out of nowhere he delivers a brutal kick to his balls, causing him to fall on the floor)
Snoop Dogg: (Weakly) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Squidward: What, you said kicking people in the balls was a good thing.
Snoop Dogg: I NEVER FUCKING SAID THAT, YOU FUCKING DUMBASS. FUCK YOU, NO MORE PARDON FOR YOU.
Squidward: But I-
Officer: You heard the dude. Back in your cell.
(Squidward is forcibly pushed back in his cell; Patrick is laughing)
Squidward: What are you laughing at, you pink piece of shit?
Patrick: You. How could you be so stupid?
Squidward: Hey, no need to be rude.
Patrick: You literally just called me a pink piece of shit.
Squidward: Whatever. That isn’t the point. Think of it this way; it’s the 25th of December. It’s Christmas. We shouldn’t be arguing. We should be cherishing this magical day.
Patrick: Fuck that. I ain’t spending Christmas in Prison again.
(Patrick walks to the window bars and eats right through them, jumping out the window; Squidward watches as Patrick successfully runs off)
Squidward: God, how poor is the security here? These people are as dumb as Peter Griffin.
(Cut to Seth MacFarlane next to a fireplace)
Seth MacFarlane: Hi, I’m Seth MacFarlane, voice of Peter Griffin from Family Guy. We hope you enjoyed this… uh… “Christmas” special, and that all of you have a very happy holiday. Hey, whose leg do you have to hump to get a glass of wine around here? (Laughs) That’s a quote from Brian Griffin. I also voice Brian Griffin, in case you didn’t know. Also Stewie. I voice Stewie too. (Stewie voice) What the deuce? (Laugh; normal voice) Please watch Family Guy.
(Seth pours some wine and drinks it, making him fall on the ground after a few seconds of silence)
Producer: (Offscreen) Oh my god, someone spiked his wine! Someone call the cops! There’s been a-
(A silenced gunshot is heard offscreen, and after a few seconds, Seth Green walks in and sits on the couch, kicking Seth MacFarlane’s body aside)
Seth Green: (Chris voice) It was ME! ME! THE VOICE OF CHRIS GRIFFIN! IT WAS ALL ME! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE SETH HERE…. AND IT’S ME! 
(Seth Green cackles maniacally as it fade to the Griffin household with everyone watching TV)
Peter Griffin: (Chris’ voice) Holy crap, Lois, I can’t believe Seth Green killed and replaced Seth MacFarlane!
Stewie Griffin: (Chris’ voice) What the deuce?!
Brian Griffin: (Chris’ voice) Brian Griffin.
Glenn Quagmire: (Opens door; Chris’ voice) Giggity giggity giiggity let’s have sex!
Meg Griffin: I am very confused as to what’s happening.
Glenn, Brian, Stewie and Peter: Shut up, Meg!
(Cut back to Seth Green)
Seth Green: Family guy is MINE! ALL MINE!
(Seth Green cackles like a maniac until Seth MacFarlane rises from the back of the chair and stabs him in the back, sitting back in the chair)
Seth MacFarlane: Naive fool. Doesn’t he know… (Dramatic zoom in to his face) YOU CAN’T KILL SETH MACFARLANE.
(Dramatic music plays until it suddenly zooms back out)
Seth MacFarlane: Have a good Christmas, everyone!
(Cut back to Squidward)
Squidward: (Long pause) What the fuck just happened?
(Cut to black)
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