Will of the Phoenix

Will of the Phoenix is the fifty-sixth episode of Cult of Squid. It released on March 7th, 2022 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133. This was also the first episode to release in 2022.
== Plot ==
Project Phoenix begins to directly antagonize the Cult, leading to a plan for Buff Jim and Security to go undercover within the Phoenix HQ; elsewhere, Doctor Markers returns and makes a grand escape from the Cult. 
== Transcript ==
(The episode begins right where the previous one left off; the Cult, Feathered Friends, and Squilliam are surrounded by Phoenix Guards)
Noseward: Well, how do you guys propose we get out of this predicament?
Squidward: No clue, but it’s not the first time. 
Phoenix Soldier: TURN YOURSELVES IN OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.
Squidward: What are the consequences?
Phoenix Soldier: (confused) uhhhh… death? I thought that was sort of implied.
Phoenix Soldier 2: I thought they were just gonna get jailed.
Phoenix Soldier: Really? Death sounds cooler.
Squidward: And why exactly should we die? What have we done?
(The soldiers all look blankly at Squidward)
Phoenix Soldier: Let’s see.. invading the entire ocean, attacking Atlantis, defying King Neptune, unleashing Satan, going against the will of the Phoenix. 
Squidward: Those were blown way out of proportion.
Crayons: Atlantis? We never attacked Atlantis! Where did you get Atlantis from?
Phoenix Soldier: Enough questions!
(Squilliam glances at the floor, and notices a lone rock. He thinks to himself for a bit, then impulsively grabs a rock and throws it at a guard. The guard is hit in the head, falls to the floor bleeding, and all the rest go to check on him)
Squilliam: BREAK FOR IT!
(Squilliam bolts away, and The Cult and Feathered Friends follow after realizing Squilliam is making an exit)
Guard: HEY, THEY’RE GETTING AWAY!
(The Soldiers and Guards run after them, while the injured guard coughs blood, and dies)
Squilliam: Quick!
(Squilliam turns right and everyone follows him toward a hill)
Squidward: Where are we even going?
Squilliam: That isn’t important. Right now we just have to RUN, or we will end up dead, probably.
Crayons: Well, we’re probably gonna be wanted even more than before, since you attacked that guard.
Squidward: I wonder if he’s dead.
Squilliam: THERE’S NO TIME FOR THIS, KEEP RUNNING!
(Cut to the guards on the pursuit of them; They are riding seahorse chariots while wielding weapons and other artileries)
Phoenix Guard: YOU WON’T ESCAPE THIS TIME, YOU F(Dolphin Noise)! (Pulls the pin off a grenade with his teeth, throws it at the escaping group)
(Cut to Squilliam, who notices the grenade)
Squilliam: GRENADE!
(They all run faster as the grenade behind them explodes, throwing sand and dust into the air)
Security: Dust! That gives me an idea!
(Security scoops up sand off the ground and hurls it behind him. The sand lands in one of the Guards’ faces, making him fall off his seahorse and in turn makes all the others fall off their seahorses as well)
Squidward: Lucky break! 
Security: That probably bought us some time to escape! Squilliam, what do we do next?
Squilliam: (Squilliam focuses right in front of him, then points ahead) Up ahead, I see a ditch! Everyone, jump in on three!
(Squilliam counts to three and on three they all retreat into the ditch, and they watch the Phoenix guards ride right past them)
Squidward: (Catching his own breath) Squilliam, I didn’t know you could be so tactical. I thought you were just some rich snob.
Security: A rich snob with a very fancy unibrow! If only you had one as fancy as that, Squidward.
Squidward. Don’t remind me of my baldness! 
Squilliam: Never assume, Squiddy. I had to do a whole lot to get all my immense riches. I attended a military school at some point.
Squidward: Well what do we do now?
Squilliam: Well now that we’re safe, I’m not sure.
Plankton: Hey, I’ve got an idea.
Squidward: Well, what is it?
Plankton: This may sound like a peculiar suggestion, but what if we were to somehow infiltrate their ranks and then learn more about their true goals and maybe even find out who’s behind this whole thing?
Squidward: No, that’ll never work. But what if we were to somehow infiltrate their ranks and learn more about their true goals and maybe even find out who’s behind this whole thing? 
Plankton: (dolphin chirp) off, you so did that on purpose.
(Squidward chuckles to himself)
Squidward: (still lightly giggling) Okay, but in all seriousness, that’s a great plan, Plankton. The question is, who do we send? They recognize all of us on sight.
SpongeBob: What about Security? His face is so generic that he’ll blend right in! 
Security: Wait, my face is “generic”?
SpongeBob: Well… There are thousands of squids that look just like you.
Security: Aw, man. 
Squidward: I think we also send Buff Jim in.
Buff Jim: Huh?
Squidward: Well, I mean, you haven’t really done much lately, and I don’t think they know who you are since. You’re just kinda…  in the background 95% of the time anyways. Well, aside from that time we got a Sister in the Cult. 
Security: Won’t they know we’re cultists? I mean, we are Squids.
Squidward: Just call them racists for assuming all squids are part of our Cult.
Buff Jim: Delightfully devilish, Squidward!
Squidward: Alright, you’ll also need disguises. I’m willing to bet that Markers left some outfits in his lab, so we can go back there and get you guys suited up.
SpongeBob: But, the only one who knows where Markers’ lab is located is Crayons.
Crayons: And I still know exactly where it is. Follow me!
(Cut to inside Marker’s lab. We see Markers getting pushed into the portal with his broken War Machine two episodes ago and when he emerges on the other side, he’s sinking into a vast ocean)
Markers: (muffled) what?! Is this the ocean?!
(Markers breaks out of his War Machine’s restraints and begins swimming for the surface, letting the machine sink to the ocean floor. He reaches the normal ocean)
Markers: Oh thank god, I can BREATHE in this water! (he begins coughing loudly) 
(Markers surveys his surroundings, and sees an infinite ocean)
Markers: Okay, so I guess I’m in some sort of an ocean universe. Awesome, great, fantastic. Isn’t there some form of intelligent life that evolved in this sea somewhere and I can use their technology to build a new portal to return home?
(Silence)
Markers: Anybody? (Sighs) Guess I’m going for a swim.
(Crayons holds his breathe and begins swimming forward. After a long while, he gets tired and begins treading water)
Markers: (huffing and puffing) This is it… I’m gonna die…
(Markers then notices a faint island in the background. He swims to it eagerly, and then gets dragged underneath by another being)
(A bright white flash fills the screen; cut to Crayons leading the way to Markers’s base)
Crayons: Should be right around here. (Crayons looks in the distance, and sees the base) Aha! There it is! Follow me!
(They follow Crayons to the entrance of the base. The door is locked)
Crayons: DAMNIT! The door is locked!
Security: Want me to punch it down?
Buff Jim: Oh, me too!
Crayons: Hold your horses. Lemme show you how it’s done.
(Cut to the inside of the base, where a brick smashes through the window. They all climb inside)
Security: Just saying, our plan would’ve worked too.
Crayons: Just keep quiet. 
Squidward: Why? It doesn’t seem anyone’s in here.
Crayons: You never know. Now let me see if I can find some disguises… Everyone look around.
(they all look around the old base, when Crayons finds a costume box)
Crayons: Ha! I got it! Alright, now let’s-
(The room glows red and white, as a big flash blasts everyone to the wall, and Markers falls back into the lab)
Crayons: WHAT?!
Markers: What are YOU doing here?
Crayons: Me? How are you ALIVE? 
Markers: Uhhh- uhhhh-
(Markers grabs the nearest blaster and points it at Crayons)
Markers: Just let me leave, please. I’ve had one Hell of a day.
Squidward: Don’t say “Hell” to me.
Markers: Shaddup, you. 
Crayons: You’re coming with us.
Markers: Your shoe’s untied!
(Markers sprints towards the door as Crayons looks downwards but he gets clotheslined by Krabs and falls back down the stairs) 
Markers: OUCH! My (dolphin chirp) bones! What are you guys even doing here anyways? 
Crayons: None of your business. But if you must know, we came to borrow some suits so we can infiltrate Project Phoenix.
Markers: If that isn’t the dumbest, most cliché thing I’ve ever heard. But do tell, I’m still pretty ticked off at them for how quickly they turned on me.
Squidward: Didn’t you turn on them first?
Markers: That’s beside the point!
Squidward: Okay Markers. I have a proposition. let’s say we let you out of here. Where do you go? What do you do?
Markers: Good questions. I have no idea. I’ll just be out there somewhere plotting my revenge most likely.
(SpongeBob knocks Markers out)
Crayons: Why’d you do that?
SpongeBob: I was sick of hearing him talk. His voice is like… nails on a chalkboard.
Crayons: Yeah, that’s fair. Imagine living with him like I had to. But that’s besides the point; can somebody tie him up? We have to get Security and Buff Jim fitted in whatever clothes Markers has around here. 
Buff Jim: I doubt any of its going to fit me.
SpongeBob: Say, Crayons, I wanted to ask; Why did Markers have these silly costumes here anyway?
Crayons: He knew I was afraid of clowns, mimes, teenagers, and squids.
SpongeBob: You were scared of squids? Were you-
Crayons: Yes, I was racist. 
Squidward: Good thing we still have an official cult tailor. 
Security: We have a what?
Squidward: (Screaming) TAILOR!
The Tailor: HELLO! I AM THE OFFICIAL CULT TAILOR! Pardon my shouting. I am the official cult tailor.
Noseward: How long have you been with us?
Plankton: Yeah, where did you come from?
Squidward: He’s always been there. He was like Initiator in that way; shows up a few times, and never again.
Security: Yeah, but we’ve never even seen him.
Squidward:I did say he was like the initiator. And I can’t believe you don’t remember him! He was in a lot of our adventures.
(MONTAGE. Cut to the movie, the Tailor is fighting off a few demons. Cut to the trial with King Neptune and the Tailor is in the crowd jeering the king. Cut to the Tailor sick with the rest of the Cult. Cut to the fall of the Cult at the hands of Satan and the Tailor running around and warning people of what’s happening. Cut to Squidward in jail summoning Satan for the first time and the Tailor making a shirt for him out of the bedsheet)
Squidward: Wait, I don’t remember that last-
The Tailor: (interrupting) Let’s make some suits!
Buff Jim: Out of what?
(The Tailor looks around and sees a sheet of scrap metal laying on the floor)
The Tailor: It’s PERFECT! (Takes pistol out of his belt and fires it in the air several times while laughing, making everyone duck for cover)
Squidward: Was that necessary?
Tailor: Time to get to work!
(The Tailor grabs the scrap metal and in a matter of seconds creates two perfectly modeled Project Phoenix guard suits for Security and Buff Jim)
Security: (putting it on) fits like a glove!
Tailor: I can add some gloves if you’d like!
Squidward: I don’t think that’ll be needed.
Markers: (weakly) They’d know if you were the cult… if you didnt have… gloves… (gets hit in the head with the back of a pistol by Squidward)
Squidward: You heard me. Give it gloves.
Tailor: Glad to be of assistance to you Brother Squidward!
(The Tailor quickly creates gloves and gives them to Security and Buff Jim)
Squidward: Thank you tailor!
(The cult tailor has mysteriously vanished)
Noseward: What the Hell just happened?
SpongeBob: Are you two sure your acting skills are going to be able to fool the Phoenix?
Jim: I really hope so. 
Security: Don’t worry, I’m a professional actor. I even lied on oath once! 
Squidward: Wait, what? when?
Security: Long story, for another time. Anyways, I’m ready to go break into the Phoenix and figure out what they want from us. 
Squidward: Don’t die! Please! 
Markers: (weakly) you’re going to need this-
(Markers drops his badge on the ground)
Buff Jim: Oh sweet! 
Security: Let’s do this.
(Cut to Buff Jim and Security leaving the bunker)
Security: Do you know where this place is?
(A Phoenix Soldier walks up to Security)
Soldier: Soldiers, what are you doing out here away from the group? Get back into formation, NOW! We’re nearly to the location where we've tracked the cultists and feathered friends to.
Buff Jim: Uhhh okay. How again did we track here them?
Soldier: Did you forget how to speak English son? Did you forget how to think too? Don’t you remember? We put a tracker on Krabs weeks ago during that whole debacle with the Book of the Damned and that shady business fish! 
Buff Jim: Right-e-o.
Soldier: You’re gonna have to stop doing that. Now come on, we have to go get them! 
(The Soldier brings Buff Jim and Security into the battalion where they’re put in two conveniently open spots)
Phoenix General: Alright soldiers! We’ve tracked them back to Markers’ old bunker. No idea why they would come back here, so I say we take a vote as to whether or not it’s worth searching. 
Buff Jim: I say we don’t search it!
Security: (softly) what are you DOING?
(All of the Phoenix guards turn and point their guns at Buff Jim)
Buff Jim: We don’t search so we can maybe go back to our awesome base of operations and have an epic party?
Phoenix General: What do you take me for, some kind of idiot? Did you really think that I would…forget Stanford’s birthday? 
Stanford: You remembered little old me?
Phoenix General: How could I forget? You were the first to enlist after I did! Come on men, let’s return to the Phoenix Plaza and celebrate! 
(The troop disbands formation and everyone casually follows the general back to the “Phoenix Plaza”)
Buff Jim: Wow Security, isn’t it incredibly lucky that it just happened to be a senior soldier’s birthday today?
Security: Yeah, but it beats my plan.
Buff Jim: What was your plan exactly?
Security: It involved Markers, a gallon of squid ink, and a barrel. 
Stanford: hey, are you guys whispering my super secret party plans to each other? Not when I am around!
Security: Uh, sure. Happy birthday Stanford! I guess.
Stanford: Thank you! I was secretly hoping that you’d all throw me a surprise party because I did threaten to put most of you (super quietly) to sleep (normal voice) but now I don’t have to!
Security: What did you say?
Stanford: Forget it. Hey, I wonder if we’re going to get to see President Smolder today? He does a mean cover of Happy Birthday. 
Security: Is that so?
Stanford: Yes! I thought you would remember! Anyways, do you two want to get some Krabby Patties? 
Security: Uh what?
Stanford: We found a bunch of those frozen Krabby Patties in the freezer here a few days ago! Granted they’re all made of sand, but they all have that good old fashioned Krabby Party flavor.
Buff Jim: I’m sorry, uh, Craig-
Stanford: Craig? My name’s Stanford. Is that some type of joke?
Buff Jim: Right, Stanford, we’d really love to take you up on your offer, but we’re really busy here.
Stanford: Doing what? We’re not allowed to do anything except guarding and throwing parties.
Buff Jim: Uh, we have to speak to President Smother.
Stanford: Smolder! My God, did you get short-term memory loss?
Buff Jim: Uh, yeah sure.
Stanford: That was a trick question.
Buff Jim: Pardon?
Stanford: You would only say yes to that if you were trying to get out of a conversation. I study psychology, I know when someone is acting peculiar.
Security: You’ll have to pardon my friend, Stan, he likes messing with people.
Stanford: Hmmmm. I’ll believe that. I don’t really care enough as is; I want to celebrate my party.
Security: Let’s buy a cake!
Stanford: Make it chocolate!
(Stan leaves and Security sighs)
Security: Thank GOD he’s gone, now we can get to snooping! 
(A large door near Security blows open and somebody in a large power suit walks in; all of the guards instantly stop what they’re doing and salute them) 
Buff Jim: Security what is that?
Security: If I had to guess? Their leader. 
Mystery Person: As I understand it, there’s two intruders amongst us. Stanford here let me know, so I would like to know who they are. 
(Everyone in the room instantly looks at Buff Jim and Security)
Buff Jim: Guys you know us! We’ve worked here since like uhhh today!
(Security face palms)
Mystery Person: Well as the leader of this operation, I’d like to ask you this. Would you like to join Project Phoenix?
Security: What happens if we say no?
Mystery Person: Well seeing as how you’re both members of the Cult, you really don’t have a choice. Join or DIE.
Security: How do you know we’re members of the Cult?
Mystery Person: Oh, I know everything there is to know about you and your kind Security. 
(Cut to Markers handcuffed to a table in his old base as Squidward and SpongeBob are having a conversation)
SpongeBob: So what are you planning to do about him?
Squidward: I’m not entirely sure. I have almost no doubt that Project Phoenix doesn’t want him back, so I guess he’s our prisoner?
Markers: You guys do realize I can hear everything you’re saying, right?
Squidward: Yeah, I’m aware of that. What do you want to do, Markers?
Markers: Well I’d rather not stay your prisoner, so I’ve decided I’m going to escape.
Squidward: And how do you plan to do that?
Markers: No idea yet.
(Markers is holding needle in his hand behind his back that he was able to grab from off a desk nearby)
SpongeBob: Okay, so he’s useless. I say we just use one of these inventions to wipe his memory and then figure it out from there.
Squidward: You think he has one of those?
Markers: I do. 
Squidward: I assume you’re not going to tell us where it’s at.
(Noseward and Crayons enter from a side chamber)
Crayons: Decided what to do with him yet?
Squidward: Guys just find the memory wipe thing. I think if we wipe his memory then we can do something more with him.
(Markers hears this and quickly stabs himself in the back with the needle)
Markers: ouch.
Squidward: Ouch? What’s ouch, Markers?
(Markers looks up and glares at everyone around him)
Markers: I’m escaping.
(Markers uses the table to snap his handcuffs and then throws the table toward Squidward)
Squidward: What the *dolphin noises*?!
(Cut to the mystery mech person talking to Buff Jim and Security as the Phoenix Guards begin to surround them with their weapons armed)
Mystery Person: Drop your weapons everyone, I just want to talk to them. Hello boys, you don’t know who I am yet, but I know who you are. 
Buff Jim: How?
Mystery Person: Invasion. Conquest. You two helped lead the charge against my people and now we’re barely alive, clinging on through the good work being done by Project Phoenix. I created this force with the means to destroy the Cult, but I found you were preoccupied with the Devil himself. Why doesn’t that surprise me?
Security: So what are you doing with the “rebuilding” then?
Mystery Person: I’m doing just that: rebuilding. I’m correcting your mistakes, I’m making up for all the sins you guys committed. I’m here to save the world, and you’re here to break it. That’s why I’ve spent the last two or so years just studying you from a distance. I’ve learned everything there is to know about the Cult because I want to know how to best destroy it. 
Security: You’re doing a pretty bad job of it if that’s your goal. 
Mystery Person: Really? I hired Markers, did I not? I’m able to track you everywhere at anytime, your allies are my prisoners, you’re doomed. There’s nothing you can do to stop me.
Security: Our allies?
Mystery Person: Bring out the prisoner Stanford.
Stanford: Okay! 
Buff Jim: I’ve just gotta know, why a Phoenix?
Mystery Person: As I was reborn, cleansed by the fire of ‘Brother Squidward’s’ invasion, everyone in this godless city is going to be reborn too. 
Security: Reborn?
(The mystery person begins to laugh; cut to Squidward, SpongeBob, Noseward, and Crayons fighting Markers)
Crayons: What did you do?!
Markers: Only a simple strength enhancing serum, Crayons. I’d expect even a rookie like you to understand that.
(Markers punches Crayons and then dropkicks SpongeBob)
Squidward: You want out? Fine. Go through us first!
(Squidward whistles and a few Cultists come running into the main room of Markers base)
Markers: You fools. You fools! 
(The cult members throw scrap metal at Markers but he ignores it as it hits him and he opens a desk drawer to reveal he somehow got possession of the Book of the Damned)
Squidward: I thought Squilliam- what did you DO?!
(Cut to the Phoenix Plaza where Stan is wheeling out the ‘prisoner’ who’s revealed to be Squilliam)
Squilliam: Security? And some other guy? What are- 
Mystery Person: Same as you. They’re to be prisoners as I cleanse the city and cause it’s rebirth. 
Security: So are you going to leave that suit? Or are you just going to hide behind it the whole time? An anonymous stalker who’s too much of a coward to come out and face us?
(The person walks toward Security and punches him in the face, sending him flying into a group of guards who catch him and throw him to the floor)
Mystery Person: I’m NOT a coward. 
(The mech begins to open; cut to Markers holding the Book of the Damned)
Squidward: Listen I don’t know how you got that Book, but you could cause some really bad stuff to happen if you use it!
Markers: I’m fully aware of what happens if I use this wonderfully twisted novel in my hands. 
Squidward: Do you even know-
Markers: Of course I know what this is, Squidward. Do you take me for an idiot?
Squidward: When it comes to that type of power? Yeah. 
Markers: (flips through pages) here’s a good one! 
(Makers sits down and begins to meditate)
Squidward: Did I miss something?
(Markers begins to glow purple)
Markers: You fools! HAHAHAHA! 
(An energy blast shoots out from where Markers is sitting and it sends all of the cultists and Feathered Friends in the room flying, all of them becoming stuck to the walls)
SpongeBob: What did you do?
Crayons: I’m pretty sure he used a spell to force gravity in here to pin us to the wall. 
Markers: Always the smart one, aren’t you Crayons? 
Crayons: Well yes, but-
Markers: Shut up! All of you! You really thought you could keep ME as your prisoner? HA! Anyways I’m going to leave now.
Crayons: Wait what?
Noseward: (under breath) well that’s anticlimactic.
Squidward: Yeah what? Aren’t we going to have some big fight or something? 
Markers: What would the point be? I got what I wanted, freedom. Thank you for that guys. Now I’m going to leave. I keep hearing of some group in the North, maybe they have room for one more. 
Squidward: I mean okay-
Markers: I’ll be taking this book with me though.
(Markers puts the book in his pocket)
Squidward: What use do you get out of it anyways?
Markers: Power, Squidward. You idiots led me right to one of the most powerful objects in the entire world, and now I’m going to leave and you can’t stop me. I’ll see you all again! 
(Markers exits the bunker; cut to the mech opening and somebody stepping out)
Security: Who are you?
Stanford: Well he’s President Smolder of course!
President Smolder: Yeah, it’s me. But that wasn’t my name until I started this glorious project.
Security: (as smoke is clearing) wait no it can’t be-
President Smolder: It can be. And it is! 
(The camera pans from behind President Smolder to show us who he is)
Security: LRH?
(Episode ends with LRH laughing maniacally)
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