Old and Busted/Pong FAQ

This FAQ by Ben "Pinback" Parrish is a classic from the old days of the 'net.
 Pong FAQ v0.01
 This document copyright 1994 by Ben Parrish
 For updates and corrections, contact pinback@access.digex.net
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 Q. What's that little white thing on the left of the screen?
 A. That is a "paddle". It is used to bounce the "ball" out of your end 
 of the screen.
 
 Q. What's that little white thing on the right of the screen?
 A. That's the other paddle, of course. Your opponent uses it for the 
 same purpose as your own.
 
 Q. What's the little dot moving around the screen?
 A. That's the "ball", obviously. The object of all your affections. 
 Keep it from going by your "paddle".
 
 Q. What's a "paddle"?
 A. It's the little white thing on the- hey, don't mess with my head.
 
 Q. Hahaha, I can't believe you fell for it...
 A. Shut up. You ask the questions, dummy.
 
 Q. How do you win?
 A. You get the ball by your opponent's paddle 15 times, before he does 
 the same to you.
 
 Q. What are the "secret moves"?
 A. If you rotate the knob left, your paddle will go up. If you rotate 
 the knob right, it will go down. (Reverse for opposite side) Also, you 
 can morph into Kano by doing a left-left-left-right combo.
 
 Q. Wrong game. Try alt.games.mk.
 A. Oh yeah, sorry.
 
 Q. I move the knob, but my paddle doesn't do what I tell it to do. Why not?
 A. Did you put in a quarter?
 
 Q. Yes.
 A. Did you press "start"?
 
 Q. Oops. OK, now I get it. Hey, you just asked ME two questions. Why 
 aren't YOU "Q" and ME "A"?
 A. I think you just answered your own question.
 
 Q. That's a little paradoxical for my tastes.
 A. Should I leave you alone for a moment to let you compose yourself?
 
 Q. No, I'm OK now. Can I ask one more question?
 A. Sure.
 
 Q. Why is this being written in the first place?
 A. Your guess is as good as mine.
 
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 Pong Faq 0.02 Update
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 Q. Why would my opponent want to bounce the "ball" out of my end of the 
 screen?
 A. Don't be a wiseguy. Nobody likes a wiseguy.
 
 Q. Sure they do.
 A. Not in the middle of a FAQ, they don't.
 
 Q. Yeah, but this isn't a real FAQ, you know. You're just using this as 
 an excuse to be silly and waste time, probably due to deep-seated 
 psychological insecurities and general discontentment with your existence.
 A. What's your point?
 
 Q. My point was, you should be worrying less about all of your wonderful 
 "balls" and "paddles" and make a concerted effort to mend your ways and 
 find something in life that will bring you true satisfaction and a better 
 sense of well-being.
 A. You mean like, Master of Magic?
 
 Q. You're not getting this at all. Let's set up another appointment 
 next week so we can talk about this further. You have a long way to go, 
 but there IS a light at the end of this tunnel, and the first step to 
 recovery is admitting you have a problem.
 A. <sniff> I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't want you to see me this way...I-
 
 Q. Don't worry about it. I'm here for you, man. We're all friends here.
 A. I love you guys.
 
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 Pong FAQ 0.03 (Update)
 This document, as always, copyright 1994 by Ben Parrish
 So don't copy it without my permission. Oh, go ahead...
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 Q. A few people have started asking their own questions for inclusion in 
 the FAQ. They all are preying on the easy target of this entire 
 production's inherent irony, in attempt to be cute, or funny. Do you 
 have any comment on this?
 A. I'm all for it. I've learned from my mistakes, though. I used to 
 answer every question that came down the pike, never stopping to think if 
 they were asked in jest or not, and only came to my senses after the 
 rather humiliating experience of hearing them snickering behind my back 
 about how obtuse I seemed to be. It hurt me deeply, but as they say, 
 that which does not kill us...
 
 Q. What about the guy who suggested you move this to a "more 
 appropriate" newsgroup?
 A. If he does not believe strategy is an integral part of correct Pong 
 play, he is deluding himself, and shielding himself from attaining a 
 higher understand of the science - nay, the art - that is Pong.
 
 Q. What about the guy who wanted a repost?
 A. I'll repost when I'm damn good and ready, and not one second before.
 
 Q. You seem sort of hostile today. I thought we were all friends here.
 A. Friends can allow a friend to have an off-day. As I've explained 
 before, these have been emotionally trying times. Because of that, I 
 haven't been able to commit enough time to my Pong duties as I would 
 like. This, in turn, depresses me further. It's a dangerous, 
 self-destructive spiral. Friends will help break the chain.
 
 Q. We'll do what we can, I'm sure.
 A. I really appreciate that. I only hope that some day, I'll be able to 
 reciprocate in kind.
 
 Q. Would it help if I asked some Pong questions?
 A. That's...that's real big of ya.
 
 Q. OK. Let's try this one : Are there bonus rounds in Pong?
 A. 
 
 Q. Hello?
 A. I'm sorry...I guess I'm really having trouble focusing. I've not the 
 energy or the motivation right now to answer Pong questions. I'd rather 
 remain silent than tarnish the beauty of Pong by answering insufficiently 
 or incorrectly. Fears...fears. I'm becoming paralyzed by them.
 
 Q. Should we take another break? You've been having a tough time lately.
 A. Maybe I better. When can we try again?
 
 Q. How about tomorrow, same time.
 A. Sounds good. Again, I'm sorry about this.
 
 Q. Don't be sorry. This isn't just about Pong. This is about you. 
 Just be happy, if you can.
 A. I'll try...
 
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 Pong FAQ 0.04 - A Seemingly Daily Update
 This document copyright 1994 by Ben Parrish
 Not to be taken internally.
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 Q. You ready to talk to us today?
 A. Absolutely. I'm trying to keep a positive view of things, and not be 
 so gloomy and depressed all the time. It can't be healthy. So let's get 
 to it! Let's talk Pong!!
 
 Q. Nice to see you're feeling a little better. OK, let's get back to 
 the question we brought up yesterday - Are there bonus rounds in Pong?
 A. No. The game ends once one player reaches 15 points. After that, 
 it's over.
 
 Q. As is popular with today's one-on-one games, does the winner get to 
 continue playing?
 A. No, sir. It's over for both players. More play requires more quarters.
 
 Q. So there's no advantage to winning?
 A. Winning is its own reward. Like air hockey, which Pong is most 
 similar to. Like chess. Like...
 
 Q. Like...life?
 A. Oh, you see right through me, don't you...Yeah, like life.
 
 Q. You don't sound too happy about it.
 A. Well...I dunno. I mean, think about it. Try to look at life like a 
 game of Pong. We're all our own little paddles, swatting around 
 figurative balls all over the place, and for what purpose? Money? 
 Fame? Power?
 
 Q. It depends on what each individual considers "winning", I guess.
 A. Well, of course...but take it even further. No matter who wins, or 
 who loses, when the game's over, it's over for everyone. Think about 
 chess a little. A friend of mine once noted that the King's greatest 
 fear in chess is not to lose, but to win!
 
 Q. He fears winning?
 A. He fears winning over all. Because when the game has ended, and his 
 glory is at its peak - he dies. The players wrest him from his 
 victorious dominion, and throw him in a box, where the life quickly 
 dissipates from his being - for that which has no purpose, and no hope, 
 cannot truly be alive.
 
 Q. Aren't you waxing a bit anthropomorphic?
 A. Am I? Consider it. Who welcomes death more, he with everything to 
 live for, or he with nothing to live for?
 
 Q. What are you saying? We should strive to lose at Pong?
 A. Should we strive to win, if winning itself would destroy us?
 
 Q. That's irrelevant in this context. In life, again as in Pong, perhaps 
 it's not WINNING that's its own reward...but playing.
 A. But don't we desire to set goals? I mean, ULTIMATE goals; what we 
 want to accomplish in life. And what then is the point of these goals, 
 when in truth the end negates any value of anything we do?
 
 Q. The questions you're asking are not new. But the fact remains, you 
 are here, and you ARE playing the game. I told you yesterday to try to 
 be happy, and that's what each of us has to do for ourselves. Do not 
 live only to win the game. Live for each and every POINT. And there's a 
 lot more than 15 points in life. You'll have hundreds, thousands of them 
 each and every day. Won or lost, try to savor each volley. Think not of 
 the end...but of the means!
 A. That's beautiful. Inspiring. How'd you get to be so smart?
 
 Q. Played a lot of Pong. The graphics are two dimensional, but the game 
 has depth you'd never imagine.
 A. You wanna play a game, just for fun?
 
 Q. Absolutely. I'd never turn down a challenge like that.
 A. Great...here's a quarter.
 
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 Pong FAQ 0.05 (We're baaaack!)
 This article copyright and otherwise property of blah blah, blah blah.
 To be on the mailing list, contact pinback@access.digex.net...
 To not be on the mailing list, completely disregard the previous line.
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 : Can you believe I have actually delayed doing some real work today
 : because I had to stop in to this group to find out if Ben Parrish
 : had updated his Pong FAQ ??
 
 : I thought your FAQs were hilarious, and sent them to 
 : alt.humor.best-of-usenet so that a wider audience nay appreciate them.
 
 : BEAUTIFUL!!!! This gave me the best laugh I have had in a month!
 
 Q. Anything you'd like to say to the authors of the above statements?
 (...and you know who you are.)
 A. Absolutely. These are some of the kindest, most thoughtful comments
 I've ever seen. It does this oft-disillusioned heart good to see
 such nice sentiments coming from fellow net users. It's all the more
 surprising that these FAQs rapidly became egregiously off-topic,
 and truly irrelevant to basically everything, and still, no flames
 were received, and many folks went out of their way to express their
 appreciation. And for this, I am forever indebted. So again, lemme
 just say, thanks.
 
 Q. That was very nice. A true Kodak moment. Can you explain why we
 haven't had an update in over five days?
 A. Well, I can explain it, but it's not a very good explanation.
 Suffice it to say, much as I regret it, my life is comprised of
 more than just Pong. I'm working hard to rectify that situation,
 but as of this writing, I haven't been overly successful.
 
 Q. Well...just don't leave us out in the cold too long, OK?
 A. I promise you, I'll do whatever I can. Because I care, dammit!
 
 Q. Are you ready to talk a little Pong with us, now?
 A. I wouldn't even show up here if I wasn't ready to talk Pong.
 
 Q. Glad to hear it. Let's start with this: What sort of updates and
 new versions of Pong have become available since its initial
 inception?
 A. Certainly more that can be mentioned here. As far as Pong's "blood
 relatives" go, home versions of the game were very popular around
 the time of the Atari 2600, and even before that. Largely ignored
 as a sophisticated video game, Pong has only seen a few major attempts
 at resurrection since these early console-based versions appeared.
 
 Q. And what would those be?
 A. There was a 3-D version of the game released a few years ago. And more 
 recently, we have Pong Kombat, a satirical cross between Pong and 
 Mortal Kombat, the popular fighting game.
 
 Q. Can you give us an FTP site or some other way of locating these games?
 A. Nope.
 
 Q. Well, what good are you, then?
 A. My relationship with the game is on a much higher level than the
 bits and bytes that make up the actual software. Herein lies my
 value as a commentator.
 
 Q. Fascinating. OK, you've spoken of "blood relatives". What about,
 say, "cousins"?
 A. Pong's closest cousin, and indeed its most successful relative, is
 the game known as Breakout. New versions and interpretations of
 the original Breakout can still be found in production today.
 Breakout, Arkanoid, Popcorn, all of these incarnations all owe a 
 nod to Pong for their success.
 
 Q. Why does Breakout appear to be a more popular concept than Pong?
 A. I believe it is because Breakout adds one thing to the gaming
 environment that Pong doesn't have. Destruction. The idea in
 Breakout is not to best your opponent, but to eliminate it.
 
 Q. You believe it's more popular because it's more...violent?
 A. Sure. Think about it. Ever since then, over 95% of ALL video games
 have been of a destructive sort, in one way or the other. From
 Space Invaders, to Asteroids, to Robotron, to Street Fighter II, to
 you-name-it, virtually ALL of the successful games in our past, and
 present, have featured violent obliteration of the opponent as an
 explicit goal.
 
 Q. You sound as if this concerns you.
 A. To some extent, it does, but even more, I believe it to simply be
 telling. It says a lot about human nature.
 
 Q. You're not going to go off on a long holier-than-everyone soapbox
 speech about how we all need to love one another, are you?
 Personally, I could do without that.
 A. Fear not, young questioner. I do not judge human nature on a scale
 of right and wrong, for we are what we are. Nothing more, nothing
 less. In order for our earliest ancestors to survive, they had to
 be equipped with two things. One, the killer instinct. Two, the
 means to satisfy this instinct. By extrapolation, the only members
 of those species that survived were the ones "blessed" with an
 inherent gift for domination, for killing.
 
 Q. So you're saying we all, deep down, want to kill things?
 A. I'm saying we have acquired these tendencies from whence we came.
 Almost always, in nature's past, it was the male's job to go out
 and kill the aggressor, to protect his mate, his children. And
 you'll notice that almost all of the people that play and enjoy these
 types of games...
 
 Q. ...are male?
 A. You're just too quick.
 
 Q. What does this have to do with Pong?
 A. Nothing, of course. That never seemed to bother you before, though!
 
 Q. Of course not. But perhaps your point was, while Pong appeals to
 us on an intellectual level, it has not retained its popularity
 because games which appealed to a much more fundamental level of
 human behavior have long since gained the favor of the gaming
 public.
 A. Umm. Yeah! That sounds good.
 
 Q. And you meant to point out the similarity between this relationship
 and the relationship of, say, chess-
 A. We talked about chess last time.
 
 Q. I know, but it's a wonderful game to cite when trying to make points.
 Don't interrupt me. As I was saying...and the relationship of chess
 to major-league sporting events, which have, basically since their
 inception, been more popular with the masses.
 A. Makes sense to me. Is there a moral to this story?
 
 Q. I can't really think of one. Who do you think's gonna win the Super
 Bowl?
 A. ...uh...the Bruins?
 
 Q. You're hopeless.
 A. Yeah, well you're ugly!
 
 Q. Shut up.
 A. Make me!!
 
 Q. You're embarassing both of us. And after those nice people said all
 those nice things to you.
 A. I suppose you're right. Sorry, I guess it's that basic instict for
 violence and aggression surfacing again.
 
 Q. I saw that movie.
 A. What movie?
 
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 --
 [ pinback@access.digex.net - Ben Parrish - nothing to lose but fear itself ]