Curry Up Already, Part 1/Transcript

*The camera opens up to Zach Sherwin, currently standing on a dock off the shore of India, several brick buildings and wooden market stalls behind him. At the dock, aside from miscellaneous fishing boats, is a fairly small cruise ship with a wooden boarding bridge over the water from the boat’s deck to the dock. Zach coughs, and the camera zooms to him.*
Zach Sherwin: Hello and welcome, Zachasses. This is the very first episode of a brand new show, Total Drama ERB: The RiZachulous Race, hosted by the very talented - and very attractive - me. Emphasis on the latter part, especially. I can charm the pants off of anyone.
*An Indian fisherman slowly inches away awkwardly. Zach keeps talking, oblivious.*
Zach Sherwin: This whole show is a race around the world, from Asia to America, from France to Japan, and even to… well, I can’t say that part. But we go everywhere, and your downfall is not being able to keep up with the competition. We’ve got 18 teams, 36 contestants, but only one prize. Which means, you guessed it… one winner. Who will it be? Well, as much as I’d like more money, it’s not me. Sorry, mom. However, it could be one of these eighteen shown after this, on…
The RiZachulous Race.
*The scene cuts to Zach walking up to the exit of the bridge between the deck of the boat and the dock. Unlatching a small metal gate, he then turns to the camera and begins to talk.*
Zach Sherwin: So, what lucky bachelor is- hold on… 
*Zach flips through a few papers in his hand nervously.*
Which lucky team is going to be the one to win the money? We’ve got eighteen teams, and one prize! Time to place your bets and get arrested for gambling, because here come our first nine teams!
*A silhouette appears from a doorway on the boat, which leads straight to the dock.*
Zach Sherwin: First up, they’re fierce, they’re savage, and they’re really annoyed at each other! Meet the All-Stars, Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali!
*Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan walks out the doorway, punching and kicking each other, grunting in pain and anger.*
(Confessional) Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali – The All-Stars
*Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali are facing away from each other with arms folded, Jordan on the left and Ali on the right. Both are pouting. The instrumental to Michael Jordan vs Muhammad Ali plays.*
Michael Jordan: I’m Michael Jordan, and I’m an All-Star.
Muhammad Ali: I’m the greatest, Cassius Clay, but you can call me Muhammad Ali, and I’m an All-Star.
Michael Jordan: I came to win this game and kick butt, but with him here in my way…
*Ali glares at Jordan*
Muhammad Ali: Excuse me? I believe it was me who came here to win, and has you in my way!
*Michael Jordan turns and faces Ali, standing up, hunched over and fists pulled back.*
*The camera cuts back to Zach watching them leave the boat.*
Michael Jordan: Oh, no no no no, I’m the one with you in my way!
Muhammad Ali: Man, you take that back right now!
*The two begin to punch each other childishly.*
Zach Sherwin: Easy, you two. You’re on television.
*Ali and Jordan quit fighting, but look away from each other, arms crossed and chins turned upwards, similar to two pouting children.*
Zach Sherwin: Okay, it gets better, I promise. For our next team is a duo that never quits on each other, never give up, and never miss a chance to rock out. Ladies and gentlemen, and animals, I present Bill and Ted of the Wyld Stallyns!
*Bill and Ted walk out from the doors on the boat, air guitaring with cheerful faces.*
(Confessional) Bill and Ted – The Wyld Stallyns
*Bill and Ted sit facing each other, arms dangling at their sides, smiling pleased. The instrumental to Bill and Ted vs Lewis and Clark plays.*
Bill S. Preston: We’re so psyched to be here, man! This is like, the most bodacious and radical thing to happen to us!
Ted Logan: Like, yeah, dude!
Bill S. Preston: Yeah, man. We’re just, like, totally pumped!
Ted Logan: Rock on, dude!
*The two air guitar happily.*
*The camera cuts back to Bill and Ted stepping onto the dock, walking up and high-fiving Zach.*
Zach Sherwin: A pleasure to have you two.
Bill S. Preston: Sick, dude! Say, wait a minute.
Ted Logan: What is it, dude?
Bill S. Preston: This doesn’t look like Indiana.
Ted Logan: Say, you’re right! Zach, I think we’re lost.
*Sherwin rolls his eyes, continuing introductions.*
Zach Sherwin: Up next, it’s the genius who could solve the case of the missing pants by drawing the conclusion he blew them right off you, and his sidekick who I guess does something. Raise a cup to the Detectives, Sherlock Holmes and Watson!
*Watson and Holmes walk from the boat, Sherlock trying to look smart as Watson eats a crumpet and talks using British gibberish.*
(Confessional) Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson – The Detectives
*Sherlock is sitting towards the camera with a flirtatious grin on the left, with Watson pouring himself some tea absentmindedly on the right. The instrumental to Batman vs Holmes plays.*
Sherlock Holmes: My partner Watson and I deduce we will win this show, and get multiple panties wet.
Dr. Watson: Tally-ho, indeed! Pip pip! God Save the Queen!
Sherlock Holmes: My, Watson! That must be evidence to me flirting with the queen, winning over her heart, and becoming the king! How astounding!
Dr. Watson: By Jones! Isn’t she, 130 years old or something? I mean-tippity top o’ the mornin’!
*Sherlock shudders disgustedly as Watson pours his tea onto his lap, burning his crotch, smiling while his right eye twitches.*
*The camera cuts back with Watson and Sherlock walking onto the dock next to Sherwin, the former offering him a crumpet, already devouring one himself, mouth full.*
Dr. Watson: Woul woo liche a crumheh?
Zach Sherwin: I’m fine, nut thanks for the offer.
Dr. Watson: Weh fufsh u, meh!
Zach Sherwin: I knew it’d be hard to keep this PG. Let’s hope our next team can help with that! The the original Young Love, these tragedy-induced teens who…
*Zach Sherwin’s voice fades into the background as the camera cuts to Bill and Ted look confused.*
Bill S. Preston: Is he introducing us again?
Ted Logan: I dunno… is that a trick question?
Michael Jordan: Geez, you some dumb kids.
Bill S. Preston: Excuse me, did you not here him? He clearly said we’re teens.
*Jordan shrugs to the camera. The camera cuts back to Sherwin, finishing his introduction.*
Zach Sherwin: ...and by the end, both died. Anyways, here come the Young Love, Romeo and Juliet!
*Romeo and Juliet exit the boat’s doors, waving to their sides before Romeo promptly trips on a camera chord on the deck.*
(Confessional) Romeo and Juliet – The Young Love
*Romeo sits on the left with his arms down at his sides, looking worried at the camera, as Juliet smiles calmly and begins to talk. The violin part of the Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde instrumental plays.*
Juliet Capulet: Romeo and I decided to try out for the show after we realized we weren’t old enough to do any jobs ourselves and run our house… underage laws or something. No problem for a dangerous reality show, though, I guess.
Romeo Montague: This was all Juliet’s idea, I must inform you. I’m not the type to compete. Last time I did, it ended a bit, how do I say, messy. Alas, I’ll do whatever it takes to make Juliet ha-
*A boom mike randomly falls on Romeo’s head, making a loud interference noise, and Romeo falls backwards surprised, flailing his arms. Juliet watches nervously and quickly rises to help him.*
*The camera cuts back to the dock, with Juliet holding Romeo up as he rubs his face in pain.*
Romeo Montague: I told you it was a bad idea to bring me along! Not even a challenge and I fall on my face!
Sherlock Holmes: But, what if getting off of the boat is the challenge, and there are 19 teams, and the one that will come off last is eliminated?
*Everyone except for Watson stares at Sherlock confused. Watson mutters something under his breath as he looks at the others. To his left, Jordan faces Ali, arguing with him.*
Muhammad Ali: Man, he’s almost as dumb as you, Jordan.
Michael Jordan: Oh yeah? Well, he is as dumb as you!
Muhammad Ali: You idiot, you just said I’m smarter than you!
Michael Jordan: That doesn’t even make sense!
Muhammad Ali: Well, you just need to think… oh wait, you can’t!
Dr. Watson: Quit your wankin’, you dirty spankin’!
Michael Jordan: Yeah, what-
*Jordan pauses mid-sentence, then shakes his head and continues bickering.*
Zach Sherwin: Let’s hope our next team can shut up these two. These two musicians really know how to woo crowds of two ages. Please welcome to the stage, Beethoven and Bieber of the Generation Gap!
*Beethoven and Bieber exit from the boat onto the dock, Bieber texting to the audience’s left, Beethoven adjusting his ascot on Bieber’s left.*
(Confessional) Beethoven and Justin Bieber – The Generation Gap
*Beethoven sits on the left, arms crossed, turned toward the center, Bieber busy texting on his phone, also facing center. The Beethoven vs Bieber instrumental plays.*
Ludwig van Beethoven: Now, I may dislike Bieber. He’s a jerk.
Justin Bieber: I’m right here, dude.
Ludwig van Beethoven: But we’ve agreed we won’t let it get in the way. We’ll work hard, play dirty, and win the money, splitting it-
*Bieber looks over at Beethoven, still texting.*
Justin Bieber: Woah woah woah! I never agreed to split it, dude! We agreed I’d get all the money because I’m rich and cool, and you’d get nothing, unless I pitied you.
*Bieber laughs childishly at his “joke”, causing Beethoven to grab a water bottle from the camera man, who’s confused, and throw it at Bieber, startling him.*
Justin Bieber: Hey! Watch the phone, gramps!
*Beethoven laughs now, chuckling, only for Bieber to look at the camera unamused before continuing texting.*
Camera Man: So, do I get my water bottle back, or…?
Ludwig van Beethoven: Sorry, what did you say? I’m a little deaf in this ear. And also in this ear. Both ears. I’m kinda deaf.
*The camera cuts to Beethoven and Bieber walking to Zach, playfully debating.*
Ludwig van Beethoven: So, when will you grow up?
Justin Bieber: When you learn to be mature and not pick on children.
Ludwig van Beethoven: Ahh, so you admit you’re a child?
Justin Bieber: Shut up!
Michael Jordan: See! Those two understand a good team dynamic!
*Romeo and Juliet look at the others confused. Romeo leans to his right and whispers into Juliet’s ear.*
Romeo Montague: I’m afraid we’re not surrounded by the wisest competitors, Juliet.
*Bill pops up over Romeo’s left shoulder, Ted over Romeo’s right.*
Bill S. Preston: I know, right?
Ted Logan: Totally! Rock on!
*Bill and Ted begin to air guitar, Romeo and Juliet looking at the camera with faces desperate for help.*
Zach Sherwin: Our next team is sure to break that statement, dear Romeo. They defy death, life, and every function of the human body. They’re the one, the only, Bruce Lee and Clint Eastwood of the Extremists!
*Zach turns to see if the duo is coming, only to see a closed door in awkward silence.*
Romeo Montague: Pardon me, but… I don’t see anyone. 
Ted Logan: Maybe they’re ghosts or something?
Sherlock Holmes: That sounds most logical. Because if they defy everything the human body can do, they defied the definition of living, thus-
*A shadow forms on the roof of the boat and somersaults from the top of the boat to in front of Zach, with another kicking the door Western saloon style, and strolls out.*
Bruce Lee: You called?
*Michael Jordan crosses his arms, Bruce Lee walking over to him.*
Michael Jordan: You guys are kinda late.
Clint Eastwood: No one is ever late, partner. Only not on time.
*Sherlock jumps into Watson’s arms, Watson rolling his eyes, before smiling dumbly as Sherlock looks at him.*
Sherlock Holmes: G-Ghosts, Watson!
(Confessional) Bruce Lee and Clint Eastwood – The Extremists
*Clint Eastwood is shown cleaning his revolver, facing center, with Bruce Lee sitting tall, hands on hips. The instrumental for Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood plays.*
Bruce Lee: Clint Eastwood and I are here to be the toughest competitors the game has seen! No competitor is as strong, furious, smart, and serious as we are!
Clint Eastwood: Bruce Lee is the most extreme guy I’ve ever met. He’ll walk on his hands over burning coals, and not flinch once.
Bruce Lee: Just to prove that, I will do it right now!
*Bruce Lee walks out the door of the confessional room, Clint Eastwood watching confused.*
Clint Eastwood: ...Isn’t the whole point of proving it that you’re doing it on camera, Bruce? *Sigh*
*The camera cuts to Clint Eastwood and Bruce Lee going to stand next to Beethoven and Bieber along the chain link fence, the latter of which who is texting. Bieber is on the camera’s left, Beethoven Bieber’s left, then Eastwood, and Lee.*
Bruce Lee: Can you do that, little kid?
Justin Bieber: Maybe, if I didn’t have a spine.
Ludwig van Beethoven: Go ahead and try it, then. You’re pretty spineless.
Justin Bieber: Haha, funny one, geezer.
*Beethoven elbows Bieber jokingly in the side, Bieber rolls his eyes and continues to text. Eastwood lights a cigar and leans on the rails of the dock.*
Clint Eastwood: Checking out the competition, Bruce?
Bruce Lee: Indeed, Eastwood. It seems we have a chance, as I expected!
Michael Jordan: *Flexing* Ahh, checking out the competition, eh? Try checking out this!
Bruce Lee: That’s nothing! Try this!
*Bruce Lee flexes both arms, then does a backwards somersault, then does a hand stand on his right hand, punching the dock with his left, snapping the plank in half.*
Michael Jordan: Good job, you’ve got splinters now.
Bill S. Preston: I thought that was only transmittable from, uh… you know…
Zach Sherwin: If you have some nasty thoughts, please keep them to yourself.
Bruce Lee: Fine by me! I don’t want these fools knowing my ideas!
*Bill and Ted inch away from Lee, worried.*
Zach Sherwin: On the topic of ideas, these next two are smart, dangerous, some could say mythical. Stand back and put on some sunglasses, because the Mythbusters Adam and Jamie are here to blow the challenge out of the water!
*Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman walk out of the boat, and an explosion goes off, with Oprah and Ellen quickly running from the boat. The boat sinks, a splash heard from behind it, and another boat slowly pulls up, almost identical.*
Adam Savage: Boat… busted.
Jamie Hyneman: And that’s confirmed.
*Oprah and Ellen run up to Sherwin, Oprah grabbing him by the shoulders and yelling at him, Ellen panting on Oprah’s left.*
Oprah Winfrey: Why weren’t we told there would be explosions?!
Ellen DeGeneres: I didn’t sign up for this!
Zach Sherwin: ...Christ.
(Confessional) Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage – The Mythbusters
*Adam is shown facing center on the right, working on a random device in his lap with multiple screws, nuts, bolts, nails, and springs, while Jamie stares at the camera, eyes half open, on the left. The Ghostbusters vs Mythbusters instrumental plays.*
Jamie Hyneman: Hi, I’m Jamie.
Adam Savage: And I’m Adam!
Jamie Hyneman: And we’re the Mythbusters.
Adam Savage: Probably some of the coolest people you’ll ever meet, just so you know.
Jamie Hyneman: We blow stuff up. Lots of stuff.
Adam Savage: Duct tape, mannequins, ovens, you name it, we blow it up!
Jamie Hyneman: One time we got a cement truck. Just to blow it up.
Adam Savage: Now, we’re going to blow up the co-
*The object in Adam’s lap explodes into smoke, covering the two in ashes.*
Adam Savage: AWESOME!
Jamie Hyneman: Cool.
(Confessional): Oprah and Ellen – The Hosts
*Oprah is on the left, looking directly towards the camera with an unamused look, arms folded, while Ellen sits on the right, bouncing up and down. The instrumental to Oprah vs Ellen plays.*
Oprah Winfrey: I am Oprah Winfrey, but *confident laugh* you already knew that.
Ellen DeGeneres: I’m Ellen and I like kittens! Meow!
Oprah Winfrey: I don’t know about her so much, but I am here to win. No silly business, no love interests, no nothing.
Ellen DeGeneres: Hey, I want to win, too!
Oprah Winfrey: Well, you’re gonna win if I win. We’re on the same team, Ellen.
Ellen DeGeneres: Um, well… okay! Let’s go, team! Woo!
*Ellen pulls out a noisemaker and blows into it, before Oprah grabs it with her left hand and crumples it up, still staring at the camera unamused, saddening Ellen.*
*The camera cuts back to Oprah, Ellen, Jamie and Adam walking onto the dock, Oprah and Ellen panting, while Adam looks back at the explosion, Jamie emotionless holding the detonator.*
Ellen DeGeneres: Hey now, that wasn’t very nice!
Adam Savage: You’re right… it was AWESOME!
Oprah Winfrey: I don’t know what part of a near-death experience is awesome, you walruses!
Jamie Hyneman: Personally, I’m more of an Odobenus Rosmarus, myself.
Adam Savage: That’s the same thing, Ja-
*Jamie puts his left index finger over Adam’s mouth.*
Jamie Hyneman: They don’t need to know.
*The camera shows Bill and Ted, in awe of the explosion.*
Bill S. Preston: Ted, these are our types of people!
Ted Logan: 5’5”, dark blonde, green eyes?
Bill S. Preston: No! Cool people!
Ted Logan: They better be, because they don’t look 5’5”...
*Adam and Jamie approach Bill and Ted from their left, screen’s right.*
Jamie Hyneman: Hello, curly-haired blonde and his companion.
Bill S. Preston: Dude, he knows your name!
Dr. Watson: Tiddlywinks! He guessed it that easily?
*Oprah sighs in realization of how the competition is acting.*
Oprah Winfrey: So it’s this type of competition, is it now?
Ellen DeGeneres: I thought his name was Ted?
Oprah Winfrey: Not even off the boat, and this show is already making me wish I died in the explosion.
Ted Logan: Dude, she knows my name!
*Romeo looks down to his left to Juliet, who’s hugging him.*
Romeo Montague: This is going to be torture.
Bruce Lee: I know, right? What idiots! Can we get someone serious? I could sleepwalk and win!
Zach Sherwin: Hold your horses, and your skirts, because these next two are sure to blow you away, in more ways than one. Just kidding, they don’t have fans. But they’re attractive. I really should’ve worked on these introductions more… anywho, cue Cleo and Monroe of the Queens, please.
*Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe walk off the boat, waving to everyone while smiling.*
(Confessional) Cleopatra and Marilyn Monroe – The Queens
*Cleopatra sits on the left side, left hand on her left hip, right hand near her face, picking at her nails, while Monroe smiles provocatively at the camera, hands on her thighs, facing forward on the right. The instrumental to Cleopatra vs Marilyn Monroe plays.*
Cleopatra: Hello, lovelies. If you couldn’t tell, the lovely, gorgeous blonde over here is Monroe.
Marilyn Monroe: And this fair-hipped queen of Egypt is the great Cleopatra.
Cleopatra: Face it, we’re attractive. Nobody can deny that. The earth is round, snakes slither, and we’re hot.
Marilyn Monroe: But we’re not dumb! We know people will be stronger, faster, and more agile than us. We’re not perfect, after all.
Cleopatra: But will they resist trying to win us over? Probably not. It’s a fact of society; strong men go for gorgeous women. Stupid men go for gorgeous women. It’s inevitable, duh!
Marilyn Monroe: *Hits her palm with her fist.* And that will be their downfall.
*Monroe giggles somewhat evil-like, Cleopatra looking at her awkwardly.*
Cleopatra: You definitely shouldn’t laugh like that again.
*The camera cuts back to the two making their way to the dock, multiple male contestants staring, Juliet covering Romeo’s eyes.*
Sherlock Holmes: Holy cajoles, I deduce that it’s not morning, but this fallen tree has risen. Meow.
Clint Eastwood: Nice, that blonde can make my day.
Romeo Montague: Juliet, this is kind of excessive. We’re married, love, I’m not going to break my vows.
*Bill looks over at Cleopatra, smiling dopishly.*
Bill S. Preston: Hi, Hotty McHothot. Are you single?
*Ted pops up behind Bill, poking him in the back.*
Ted Logan: Dude, keep your cool!
Say, Tut, is your friend over there, say, 5’5”?
Cleopatra: Oh, please. I am not single. I’m constantly taken by many decent men, well above what you’ll ever be. Why,  I’ll have you know I was even in a relationship with-
Julius Caesar: Long time no see, Cleopatra.
*Cleopatra, Bill, and Ted turn to see Caesar and Zulu standing on the bridge, Caesar eyeing Cleopatra in particular.*
Cleopatra: Caesuhh… 
Marilyn Monroe: Shit.
(Confessional) Shaka Zulu and Julius Caesar – The Strategists
*Julius Caesar sits on the right, arms crossed, looking at Zulu, who’s on the left, holding his iwisa, staring at the camera curiously, before looking at Caesar and talking. The instrumental to Shaka Zulu vs Julius Caesar plays.*
Shaka Zulu: I am Shaka Zulu. This is Julius Caesar. Together, we’re the biggest threat to this competition since the person challenging its creation.
Julius Caesar: Cunning, brutal, fierce, level headed, strong, wise, daring… what else could you ask for in a test of the survival of the fittest?
*Julius looks at Shaka Zulu’s chest, and Shaka stares back awkwardly.*
Julius Caesar: ...except for a shirt, that is.
*Caesar smiles wryly at Cleo, who seems to be worried. Shaka yells at him from the dock to come over.*
Cleopatra: Wha-what are you doing here?
Julius Caesar: Oh, looking at you, thinking of how I’m going to win, being yelled at by Shaka. The usual.
Shaka Zulu: Hey, Caesar! Hurry up! We don’t got all day!
Marilyn Monroe: Well, this whole show just got a lot more awkward.
Julius Caesar: Oh, don’t worry, when you get sent home early on, it won’t be so awkward for either of us.
Cleopatra: Shut up. 
Shaka Zulu: Caesar, hurry, before the next team-
*Caesar falls backwards on the bridge as Washington stands before him, suddenly angry.*
George Washington: I am American icon, George Washington, a founding father and first president. And just who do you think you are, sir?
Julius Caesar: I am Julius Caesar. The real question is what do you think your hair is?  Did you yank off Betty White’s muff or something?
William Wallace: Just move, ye bastard, before I skin ye!
Julius Caesar: Oh great, Sarah Silverman brought Melissa McCarthy.
Zach Sherwin: Is no one going to let me introduce them now?
(Confessional) George Washington and William Wallace – The Revolutionaries
*Washington sits on the left, polishing a musket and grimacing at the camera, while Wallace shines his sword on the right. Both face towards center. The instrumental to George Washington vs William Wallace plays.*
George Washington: This game is meant for leaders, and leaders are all who will be left after this!
William Wallace: Because all that’ll be left of this wee little game will be us, lads!
George Washington: Us, and the host!
William Wallace: Wait… I thought we were killin’ him off?
George Washington: No! No we’re not!
William Wallace: Why you yellin’ at me?
George Washington: ...nothing is going to stand in our way!
*The camera cuts back to Caesar blocking Washington and Wallace from the dock, Cleopatra watching awkwardly.*
Julius Caesar: I am going to stand in your way.
George Washington: Oh, can it! Move, metal chest, before I throw you off!
Julius Caesar: Do it, I bet you won’t.
George Washington: Oh, I wi- wait a minute…
*Washington squints at Zulu, and Zulu, recognizing him, rushes up and pulls Caesar to the dock, glaring at Washington.*
Shaka Zulu: Oh, so you’re here too, huh? What, are you going to try and take more land?
Washington Wallace: Oh please, go back to chasing everyone off the map, you warmongering buffoon!
Jamie Hyneman: Please, everyone, shut up before I blow up my eardrums.
*Jamie pulls the detonator out again, but Oprah pushes it back off the dock, Jamie watching it, then sighing of relief. Oprah smiles awkwardly.*
Oprah Winfrey: This game is off to a lovely start. I can’t wait to personally get to know each and everyone one of you!
Ellen DeGeneres: Me too, let’s be friends everyone! Yay!
*Ellen whips out a party noise maker, blowing into it, as two more figures walk up to the arguing teams.* 
Zach Sherwin: Oh look, here comes the next team, not letting me announce them… 
*Blackbeard and Capone shove by the four on the bridge awkwardly, and then walk up to Zach. Capone tries to shake Zach’s hand, Zach simply looking at his hand.*
Al Capone: So you’re the host, eh? Pleasure’s mine. Name’s Capone, but you can call me… after I get out of jail back home. Heh.
*Zach awkwardly shakes Capone’s hand.*
Zach Sherwin: Nice to… meet you…
*Blackbeard runs around behind Sherwin awkwardly, looking for something.*
Blackbeard: Yargh, where be the can? I think I ate too many shrimps!
(Confessional) Blackbeard and Al Capone – The Outlaws
*Capone sits on the left, facing center, cracking his knuckles, and Blackbeard sits on the right, scratching his beard with his left hand, facing center. The instrumental to Blackbeard vs Al Capone plays.*
Al Capone: You have, right here, in front of this here camera, the two biggest crim’nals history’s seen, ya get it? We gonna win or no one’s gonna win this, Capisce?
Blackbeard: Yargh! We be the most vile, disgusting…
Al Capone: Charming, suave…
Blackbeard: Down low, rotten…
Al Capone: Top notch, well-kept…
Blackbeard: ...and smartest players in this here game.
Al Capone: Capisce?
*Capone and Blackbeard finish greeting Zach as the other three teams walk by to join the rest, before Capone stops Cleopatra, Blackbeard asking people for the bathroom.*
Al Capone: Hey, hot stuff, how’s it come about you and I meet up on this show?
Cleopatra: Uh… I…
Marilyn Monroe: Excuse my friend, she’s… *Monroe Elbows Cleopatra in the hip* ...a bit out of it right now.
Al Capone: Well, can ya tell her that I’m a bit in to her? Heh.
Marilyn Monroe: Sure!
*Monroe feigns a smile as Capone winks and walks off while doing finger guns, Cleopatra still frozen worried about Caesar.*
Marilyn Monroe: Creepy pig.
Sherlock Holmes: So, Capone’s a pig, is he? Well, given that quite credible evidence, and the fact that he had syph-
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, can it, Scrooge!
*Holmes slinks away to the left as Monroe drags Cleopatra off to the right. The camera cuts to Romeo, Juliet, Bruce and Beethoven talking.*
Bruce Lee: So, these new competitors. How do you feel about them?
Romeo Montague: I can’t tell! Juliet’s still covering my eyes!
Juliet Capulet: Oops! Sorry, heh.
*Juliet uncovers Romeo’s eyes, giggling innocently and looking away awkwardly. Romeo puts his right arm around her and pulls her to his side in a side-hug.*
Ludwig van Beethoven: Eh, they’re too young for me. Everyone is.
Justin Bieber: Alright! More Monroe for me-
*Bieber begins to walk away, only for Beethoven to yank his arm. Bieber groans, annoyed.*
Justin Bieber: Oh, come on!
Ludwig van Beethoven: That’s not what I meant! 
Bruce Lee: Clint and I aren’t here for love! I don’t care for it!
Zach Sherwin: Well, these next two teams do! Here they come right now just look please no one cut m-
(Confessional) Adam and Eve – The Love Birds
*Eve sits on the left, eating an apple, Adam on the right, smiling smug at the camera. Both face center. The instrumental to Adam vs Eve plays.*
Eve: We’re here for love.
Adam: Usually, traveling around the world means you have to give money. But here, you go across the continents and get money! Isn’t being cheap romantic?
Eve: You see, about that...
(Confessional) King Leonidas and Queen Gorgo – The Marriage
*Leonidas sits on the left, flexing and moving his muscles, facing towards center, and Gorgo sits on the right, half asleep. The instrumental to Leonidas vs Master Chief plays.*
King Leonidas: Oh, Gorgo and I are gonna kick some major ass in this show! Isn’t that right?
Queen Gorgo: Wha-huh? Oh. Sure, I guess.
King Leonidas: She’s just hypnotized by these rock hard abs right now to talk, hence the drooling.
*Gorgo jerks awake and wipes off the drool from being bored and tired.*
Queen Gorgo: Go us. Whoo.
*The camera cuts to Adam passionately carrying Eve by Shaka Zulu, Julius Caesar, and George Washington, and William Wallace, then Leonidas hoisting up Gorgo onto his shoulder, surprising her.*
King Leonidas: You jealous, boys? The real gun show has arrived!
Julius Caesar: No. Why would I be jealous of a man in panties?
William Wallace: Jealous of yer little lack o’ junk? As if!
Queen Gorgo: Please put me down.
King Leonidas: Yes, babe.
*Leonidas suddenly drops Gorgo onto the dock, shocking the four men watching.*
George Washington: Couldn’t you be, I dunno, a bit nicer?
King Leonidas: Dammit! My bad, Gorgo…
*Gorgo angrily wanders off towards Romeo and Juliet as Leonidas chases after her to apologize.*
David Copperfield: Everything’s falling into place, it seems.
*Zach turns around to see Copperfield and Houdini standing behind him, Houdini on his left, Copperfield his right, watching everything.*
Harry Houdini: Indeed.
Zach Sherwin: Could I introduce at least one more team?
Bonnie Parker: Well, you could introduce us, pardner!
*The camera shows Bonnie and Clyde walking off the boat, arms crossed.*
(Confessional) Harry Houdini and David Copperfield – The Magicians
*Copperfield and Houdini are nowhere to be seen. All that’s heard is the cameraman. The instrumental to Harry Houdini vs David Copperfield plays.*
Camera Man: Uh… hello?
(Confessional) Bonnie and Clyde – The Texans 
*The two sit on the left, Bonnie in Clyde’s lap. The trumpet portion of Bonnie and Clyde vs Romeo and Juliet plays.*
Bonnie Parker: We’re probably the best damn team in this here little game.
Clyde Barrow: Anyone wishing to pass us up’ll have to mess with me.
Bonnie Parker: Anyone messing with my man ends up dead. He’s a real good man with real good aim, yep.
Clyde Barrow: I could shoot the moon from here. Yep.
Bonnie Parker: Now turn that camera there off, we wanna make out in peace.
Camera Man: Uh, you don’t have that authority over me-
Bonnie Parker: I SAID, TURN IT OFF!
*The camera shuts off.*
*The camera cuts to Houdini and Copperfield still standing behind Zach, who’s getting somewhat annoyed.*
David Copperfield: Hey, look who it is. It’s those people who need announcing.
Zach Sherwin: Now you’re just mocking me.
*Lady and Sarah Palin appear in front of Zach, having just walked onto the dock.*
Sarah Palin: Uh, are we in the right place?
Zach Sherwin: Dammit!
(Confessional) Lady Gaga and Sarah Palin – The Polar Opposites
*Lady Gaga sits on the left, adjusting a chef’s hat, while Palin sits with her arms crossed on the right. The instrumental to Lady Gaga vs Sarah Palin plays.*
Lady Gaga: Greetings, my little monsters! We’re here to win!
Sarah Palin: I have no idea why we’re on a team. The show probably needed some powerful women. Hence me and Madonna over here.
Lady Gaga: It’s… forget it. Sarah and I are going to hopefully breeze through this with no effort.
Sarah Palin: Unless there’s moose. Then I’m gonna stop and punch them.
Lady Gaga: Oh, please.
*The camera cuts to Zach Sherwin walking onto the bridge and peering into the boat. Noticing the next team, he quickly announces them.*
Zach Sherwin: And for our final team, we have a brave warrior with heart, and Miley Cyrus. Here come the Alter Egos, Miley Cyrus and Joan of Arc!
*Miley walks out first, and burps. Joan of Arc follows her nervously, waving shyly at everyone.*
Miley Cyrus: Alright, who’s ready to party?
Joan of Arc: Uh, hey…
(Confessional): Miley Cyrus and Joan of Arc – The Alter Egos
*Joan of Arc sits on the left somewhat nervous and worried, Miley more relaxed to her right, a dumb look of joy on her face. The instrumental to Miley Cyrus vs Joan of Arc plays.*
Joan of Arc: I was really hoping to get another teammate, but if I’m stuck with her, it’s alright, I guess.
Miley Cyrus: Ye-ah! Whoo!
Joan of Arc: There’s no hope in winning…
Miley Cyrus: Oh, come on! We’ll do great! Go team!
*The camera cuts to all of the teams now on the dock talking. In the shot are Gorgo, Romeo, Juliet, and Beethoven., in that order left to right.*
Ludwig van Beethoven: Well, this is everyone, it seems.
Romeo Montague: I was hoping someone more to our liking would show up. I guess we’re stuck with each other.
Queen Gorgo: Hey, at least you agree with your teammates.
Ludwig van Beethoven: *Chuckles* Well, that’s debatable, ma’am.
Queen Gorgo: I did not sign up for this, but maybe it’ll help my “husband” clean up his act.
Juliet Capulet: Oh, my darling Romeo and I tied the knot ourselves long ago. How long have you been married?
Queen Gorgo: Don’t know, don’t care. He just doesn’t understand me anymore, it’s pointless.
Ludwig van Beethoven: Sounds awful.
Justin Bieber: Say, if you’re done with him, and I have no one, maybe-
*Gorgo walks away, Beethoven facepalming as Bieber gets down on his knees.*
Justin Bieber: But I love you!
Romeo Montague: Geez, talk about young love.
*Beethoven looks at Romeo skeptically.*
Romeo Montague: …What?
Zach Sherwin: Alright, everybody, gather up!
*The camera transitions to the eighteen teams standing around Sherwin, listening. Sherwin himself is on a crate.*
Zach Sherwin: So, ladies and gentleman, as you can tell, we’re in India. Today’s challenge will be what I like to call, “Shop Til You Drop”. But first, to determine how the challenge will go, I need you guys to race straight from here to those wheeled carts about, say, 700 feet away.
*The camera quickly pans to some wooden four wheeled carts, similar to a hot dog stand, only made of wood, and with a small roof held up by four poles instead of an umbrella, about as big for one person to sit on it. Sherwin climbs in a helicopter, while still explaining.*
Zach Sherwin: The order you reach it, determined by the special challenge host over there, will give you the order you can leave, with a one minute head start each. Meaning the loser has an eighteen minute wait. Got it? And the end of this challenge will mean someone will go home. There will be no non-eliminations. Cheating will not be tolerated. But, remember, cheating only means you broke the game’s rules. You can sabotage all you want, I don’t care. Your time begins…
*Washington and Wallace get ready to run, with Caesar and Zulu to their right; Leonidas picks up Gorgo again, annoying her, as Copperfield and Houdini stand to their right, arms crossed; Bruce Lee is practically on the ground ready to run with Eastwood on his left, Beethoven and Bieber nodding at each other in takeoff position; Ali and Jordan slapbox.*
Zach Sherwin: Right about…
*Cleopatra looks over to Caesar nervously before Monroe grabs her chin and turns her head forwards; Oprah fixes her hair as Ellen jogs in place to her left; Bill and Ted air guitar in anticipation.*
Zach Sherwin: One hundred percent, right…
*Sherlock and Watson prepare tea while waiting. Jamie holds out his hand and they give him a cup, he nods in response.*
Zach Sherwin: Now!
*The 18 teams start running as fast as they can to the carts, Sherwin being transported to the end. The camera cuts to Bruce Lee, Clint Eastwood, Shaka Zulu, Julius Caesar, George Washington, and William Wallace in the lead.*
Bruce Lee: Out of my way!
Julius Caesar: I’ll do what I want, thank you very much!
*Caesar moves over in front of Bruce Lee, who karate chops his shoulder, Caesar flinching in pain. Zulu Shoves Bruce into a wall in response.*
Shaka Zulu: Play nice, jumpsuit!
William Wallace: Is all yer good for blocking other teams, Mr. Bull Horn tactics?
Julius Caesar: Look who’s talking! You’re a giant, sweaty meat slab with legs!
William Wallace: Why thank ye! 
*Leonidas runs by, carrying Gorgo on his left shoulder, surpassing the other teams. Gorgo looks unhappy.*
King Leonidas: We’ve got this, babe! See you suckers later!
George Washington: Wallace, hurry up! The others are gaining on us!
Clint Eastwood: Catch up, you ask? Will do, pardner.
*Clint Eastwood sprints past the four, Bruce Lee managing to make it back while doing back flips. The two newly made enemies watch in awe.*
Julius Caesar: Show off.
David Copperfield: I know, right?
*Julius Caesar looks at Copperfield shocked, Copperfield somehow appearing at his right, Houdini walking behind him, shuffling cards. The camera pans back to Romeo, Juliet, Bill, Ted, Sherlock, Watson, Adam and Eve, making up the middle.*
Romeo Montague: This is no use! Those guys in front are too fast!
Bill S. Preston: Woo! Go guys in first!
Adam: I hate to break it to you, kiddo, but those guys are ahead of you.
Ted Logan: I know, right? It’s awesome!
Eve: Aren’t you guys at least a little bit concerned with that?
Ted Logan: Nothing concerns us! Not even our own suffering!
Sherlock Holmes: That’s a bit concerning.
Dr. Watson: Jolly good joke, chap!
*Watson and Sherlock high-five, only for Oprah to run through the middle, knocking them over and passing them up, Ellen following, stepping over them while apologizing.*
Ellen DeGeneres: That was kind of uncalled for, Oprah! I think we should try to be a bit nicer…
Oprah Winfrey: We don’t need to be nice, we need to be winners!
*Ellen runs after Oprah, trying to stop her from doing anything worse. Juliet runs behind Romeo to his left a bit.*
Juliet Capulet: Oh, Romeo, my love, everyone’s passing us!
*Juliet pushes Romeo faster, he giggles.*
Romeo Montague: That tickles, darling!
*The camera pans further behind to Cleopatra, Monroe, Beethoven, Bieber, Jamie and Adam slowly catching up.*
Ludwig van Beethoven: I don’t think I can make it! My back’s gonna give up before I can!
Justin Bieber: Come on, grandpa! Old curly wig Washington’s up in the lead!
Ludwig van Beethoven: If you’re going to be so high strung about it, you might as well carry me!
Justin Bieber: What? No!
*Beethoven laughs as Jamie Hyneman runs ahead of him, Adam following.*
Adam Savage: Old people are slow, confirmed!
Jamie Hyneman: Highly thought out insult, my friend. Must’ve taken decades.
*The camera pans to Cleopatra, spaced out, and Monroe on her right, shaking her.*
Marilyn Monroe: Come on, Cleo, shake out of it!
Cleopatra: Monroe, it’s just… I didn’t expect him to be here!
Marilyn Monroe: Cleo, honey, it was months ago… if Kennedy broke up with me, I wouldn’t make a big deal about it for even a second! You’re being dramatic.
*Al Capone catches up with the two women, particularly Cleopatra.*
Al Capone: So, blondie, how’s the missus?
Marilyn Monroe: Well, right now, she’s running ahead! Tooda-loo! Ha-ha!
*Monroe pushes Cleopatra forward, startling her, quickly going ahead of Capone. Blackbeard opens a door on one of the buildings by Capone, confused.*
Al Capone: There you are! Come on!
Blackbeard: Aye aye, captain!
*The two sprint frantically ahead. The camera cuts to Miley, Joan, Michael, Ali, Bonnie, Clyde, Palin, and Gaga bringing up the back.*
Bonnie Parker: Oh, we’re in the back, dammit! No fair, I tell ya!
Clyde Barrow: Let’s make a run fer it like we did when we was robbin’!
*Bonnie and Clyde sprint ahead as Ali and Jordan glare at each other.*
Michael Jordan: Oh, look, someone understands their teammate!
Muhammad Ali: Oh, I see! And I also see you need to understand me!
Michael Jordan: Oh, no I don’t! I’m the one in charge! 
Miley Cyrus: How about none of you are in charge, you just sit back, and-
Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali: NO!
Miley Cyrus: Sheesh, somebody needs to calm themselves down.
Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali: He does!
*Joan grabs Miley’s left arm and pulls her ahead.*
Joan of Arc: Come on, Miley! Ignore those two, we’ve got no time to waste!
Miley Cyrus: Or… we could get last and have a whole eighteen minutes to waste.
Sarah Palin: Yeah, Gaga! What she said! More time to think of what the heck to do!
*Sarah Palin grabs Lady Gaga’s arm, twisting it on accident.*
Lady Gaga: Ow!
*The two teams run onwards, leaving Ali and Jordan to bicker with each other. The camera cuts to Zach, who flew over via helicopter to Gandhi, watching the teams run.*
Zach Sherwin: So, who do you think it will be?
Gandhi: I dunno, man. Caesar and Shaka seem totally focused, but I gotta go with the president himself. Although, that Leo dude sure can carry weight.
Zach Sherwin: Oh, crap, quiet! I gotta cut off the episode before a team arrives!
*The camera rotates to show Caesar, Shaka, Lee, Eastwood, Capone, Blackbeard, Gorgo, Leonidas, Cleopatra, Monroe, Washington and Wallace all side to side running. It’s impossible to tell who will arrive first.*
Zach Sherwin: Which teams will grow to like each other? Which teams will grow to hate? Will anyone ally with anyone else? Will there be any deceiving tactics? I’m going with yes. Stick around to see who wins this foot race and gets to take off first in the next challenge on The RiZachulous Race.
*Cleopatra, Julius, Capone, Leonidas, Wallace, and Lee’s legs are all seen about to land first by Zach. The camera cuts.*