The Very Best of the Muppets! More Muppets Please! transcript

==Theme==
 	The curtains open, and the theme begins over Muppet Show clips.
Waldorf	(begging to above) Oh, please, don't make us watch it again!
Statler	(laughs)
==Opening Number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, and hello, dear friends, and welcome to this potpourri of mirth and madness we call The Muppet Show.
 	Applause.
Kermit 	But right now, we'd like to open the show tonight on a high note —
 	Someone blows a trumpet in his ear.
 	Meanwhile in the balcony …
Statler 	Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
 	Enter Crazy Harry, with a detonator.
Crazy Harry	(laughing) Did somebody say "bang"?
Waldorf 	No!
 	WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him.
Crazy Harry	Aw, you can't win 'em all.
 	WHAP! Waldorf karate-chops him again.
Kermit 	Will you hold it down up there, please? Let's raise the curtain, strike up the band, and get things moving on The Muppet Show.
 	Fozzie Bear, Link Hogthrob, Scooter, Lew Zealand, Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat sing "Another Opening, Another Show" as stagehands Beauregard and Beaker get tangled in the ropes offstage and drop curtains and backdrops in front of them.
Statler 	You know, I really liked that.
Waldorf 	Yeah, me too.
Statler 	...are we in the right theater? (both laugh)
==Miss Piggy and Foo-Foo's dog act==
==Gonzo's Act==
 	Main stage.
Kermit 	Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you're going to love GONZO THE GREAT!! Yaaaaay!
 	The curtain opens to a fanfare. Gonzo sits atop a motorcycle at the bottom of a ramp.
Gonzo 	Eh...good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This evening, I will a feat of lunatic daring! Before your very eyes, I will ride this motorcycle, up this ramp and jump directing into that box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
Statler and Waldorf	What?!
Gonzo 	Oh, I can assure you. You'll be in no danger.
Statler 	You're right!
Waldorf 	We'll be in Chicago! (both laugh)
Gonzo 	For their own safety, uh, while they were dozing, I took the precaution of chaining them to their chairs!
 	Statler and Waldorf try to move, but discover they're stuck.
Waldorf 	Help!
Statler and Waldorf	Help!
Gonzo 	On my mark...get set...go! (laughs) Woo!
 	Gonzo rides the bike up the ramp, where it shorts out as it reaches the top.
Gonzo 	Uh oh. (screams)
 	Gonzo and his bike roll backwards off the ramp, crashing.
Statler 	Hooray!
Waldorf 	Bravo!
Statler 	Wonderful!
Waldorf 	Loved it!
Statler 	Encore!
==Backstage==
 	Backstage.
Kermit	We are off to a crummy start.
 	Gonzo rolls in on his motorcycle.
Gonzo 	Oh, it's gonna be a great act, Kermit. But, something's wrong with my bike.
Kermit	Gonzo...
Gonzo 	(futzing around with the bike) Maybe if I advance the spark...wha-ha!
 	Gonzo's motorcycle takes off and goes down the stairs and out the stage door. Fozzie watches in shock.
Fozzie	Turn left! Turn left!
 	Kermit covers his eyes.
==Muppet Labs==
 	Open on Dr. Bunsen, displaying his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And here it is, folks, the product you've all been waiting for, the new solid-state gorilla detector. Yes, friends, how many times have you awakened at night in the dark and said to yourself: "Is there a gorilla in here?" And how many people do you know whose vacations were ruined because they were eaten by undetected gorillas? Well, no more of that. Whenever a gorilla comes anywhere near this device, its lights will flash and its bell will ring.
 	A gorilla climbs over the wall.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. At last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.
 	Bunsen notices the gorilla as it destroys the machinery.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That creature is not a gorilla. If he were a gorilla, the lights would flash and the bell would ring.
 	The gorilla continues to wreak havoc.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, Muppet technology is wonderful. It tells us that we are not seeing a gorilla smash a cabinet. So I know scientifically that I am not being eaten by a gorilla ...
 	The gorilla drags Bunsen away. The detector goes off. The gorilla smashes the detector.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Work was started today on the remodeling of the Muppet news studio, and it is said that... Oh!
 	A wrecking ball plows through the wall, startling him.
=="Cuanto Le Gusta"==
 	Miss Piggy and some pigs perform "Cuanto Le Gusta."
Statler	Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.
Waldorf	Well, actually, it's your basic pig-Latin number.
 	They chuckle.
=="In the Navy"==
 	Main stage.
Kermit 	Meet the Vikings, those cruel, heartless Scandinavian marauders whose savage brutality earned them the reputation “worst human beings in history” —
 	The Swedish Chef, taking offense, whacks Kermit with a pan, and exits.
Kermit 	Uh, I'm sorry about that! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh … the Vikings, those gentle, quaint, fun-loving old charmers.
 	Open on a quaint little village by the coast. A Viking pig ship approaches.
 	The head Viking blows a horn, and the villagers scramble away.
 	The pigs sing “In the Navy” as they pillage the town and recruit the villagers, including the ducks, cows, sheep, goats and chickens.
Waldorf	Tell me, Statler, did you ever have any Naval experience?
Statler	Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.
Waldorf	Really? How?
Statler	I gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!
 	They chuckle.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef waving utensils. A nervous chicken sits on the cutting board. He hits the chicken's head as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef	(singing in mock Swedish) … børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the utensils. The chicken cowers.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) …de chickëe in de båskët. Of cøürse, hëre de little chickëe.
Swedish Chef	Ånd øver hëre, de båskët.
 	The chicken runs away; the Chef chases her.
Swedish Chef	Hey, chickëe! Oh, cøme båck hëre, chickëe!
 	He catches the chicken, dribbling her like a basketball. He shoots her into the hoop, and she lands in the pot. He carries the pot to the table.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) de chickëe … Thåt twø pøïnts.
==Hugga Wugga==
 	On a distant planet, a Hugga Wugga beast tyrannizes a loony bird-like alien, and battles a gentle creature who sings "You Are My Sunshine". The gentle creature wins.
Waldorf	You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…
Statler	Why, you old fool.
Waldorf	What?
Statler	I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.
Waldorf	(aside) And he calls me an old fool?
==Main Stage==
 	Main stage. The white puppy aggressively approaches Kermit, barking and gnawing his arm.
Kermit 	What is this? A dog?! Uh, Piggy! Piggy!
Miss Piggy	Yes? Yes?
Kermit 	Would you come take this dog off the stage? Get down!
Miss Piggy	Oooo. Isn't that adoraboooo!
Kermit 	It is not adorable. The dog is on the stage!
Miss Piggy	(picks up the dog) Oh, is the funny furry Foo-Foo on Da-da's stage?
Kermit 	I am not this dog's Da-da, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Pardonnez us, everyone.
Kermit 	"Pardonnez us, everyone"? What's that?
Miss Piggy	That is French.
Kermit 	(mocking) "Pardonnez us, everyone"!
Miss Piggy	All vous knows is swamp talk.
Kermit 	Will you just get this dog off the stage?
 	Foo-foo barks at Kermit.
Miss Piggy	Kermie, Kermie — Foo-foo only wants to say hello to Da-da.
Kermit 	He wants to rip off my flipper.
Miss Piggy	Ohh. Make friends, make friends — say oo-dee-boo-boo-boo! Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo-boo!
Kermit 	Say what? Say "oo-dee-boo-boo-boo"?
Miss Piggy	Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo.
Kermit 	Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo. Now will you get off the stage?!
Miss Piggy	Oh, come here, Foo-foo.
Kermit 	Off, off!
Miss Piggy	Oh, let's leave old bad-tempered froggy alone now. Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo. (exits)
Statler 	You think this show constitutes cruelty to animals?
Waldorf 	Not unless they're watching it.
 	They chuckle.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	OK, well, once again, it's time for everyone's, uh, semi-favorite funny man. Uh, or favorite semi-funny man, or whatever. Uh, Fozzie has something new in mind for tonight, so summon your courage and welcome if you will, Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.
 	Fozzie's fanfare plays as he enters with his dummy, Chuckie.
Fozzie 	Ahhh. Uh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's Fozzie and Chuckie time! Ahh! Um... Ahem. Uh, Chuckie, hey, heh, who was that lady I saw you with last night? This is funny.
 	Pause. Nothing happens. He laughs sheepishly.
Fozzie 	Uh, heh, Chuckie, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
 	Pause. Nothing happens. He shakes the dummy, whose hat falls off.
Fozzie 	All part of the act. Ha ha ha. Uh, hey, Chuckie, heh, uh, moving right along, ha ha ... uh, Chuckie, why do firemen wear red suspenders?
 	He mumbles the question into the dummy's ear. Pause. Nothing happens.
Fozzie 	Ha, ha, ha. OK, Chuckie, listen. Uh, why does the chicken cross the road?
 	Pause. Nothing happens. He shakes the dummy.
Fozzie 	Why did the chicken cross the road, Chuckie?! Say something! Anything!
 	He breaks off Chuckie's arm.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, Fozzie...
Fozzie 	He won't talk to me!
Kermit 	Yeah, well, listen. There's something about ventriloquism that I think you should know.
Fozzie 	What?
Kermit 	You see, Fozzie... Listen, Fozzie... (whispers) it's the ventriloquist who actually does the talking. (whispers some more)
Fozzie 	He doesn't?!
Kermit 	Yes.
Fozzie 	Really? No moving lips?
Kermit 	Nope. (exits)
Fozzie 	OK, OK, I've got it now. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, listen. Ahem! Uh, Chuckie, heh, who was that lady I saw you with last night? (as Chuckie) "That was no lady. That was my wife."
 	Applause.
Fozzie 	(as himself) Ahh! Oh, that's so funny! Oh, I love me! Yeah, yeah!
 	He exits the stage, leaving Chuckie behind. The fanfare plays, and Chuckie comes to life on his own.
Chuckie	Hmm, actually, I spent the night alone. (turns his head left and right)
==Planet Koozebane==
Kermit 	This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane, and today I am interviewing a most unfortunate creature, the Koozebanian Phoob.
Phoob 	Thank you, thank you. I'm pleased to be here. As a matter of fact, I'm pleased to be anywhere.
Kermit 	I can believe that because you see, folks, the Phoob is known as the most delicious creature on Koozebane.
Phoob 	That's true. We have a saying on this world: "I never met a Phoob I didn't like, especially with mushroom gravy."
Kermit 	Uh, I suppose this tends to hold down the Phoob population pretty effectively.
Phoob 	Not really. Actually, my species is flourishing.
Kermit 	Really? Well, how do you manage that?
Phoob 	Evolution.
Kermit 	I... I don't think I understand.
Phoob 	We Phoobs tend to evolve rather faster than most creatures.
Kermit 	Mm-hmm. Well, what do you evolve into?
Phoob 	(turning green) Oh, you know. Whatever's handy.
Kermit 	I... I beg your pardon?
Phoob 	We try to blend in with the crowd as best we can.
Kermit 	Say, are... are you changing?
 	His body and face changes into Kermit's.
Phoob 	Evolving. Evolving is the accurate term.
Kermit 	Yeah, but... but you're starting to look familiar.
 	His eyes and voice changes into Kermit's.
Phoob 	I should certainly hope so.
Kermit 	(to camera) This — this is very weird.
 	The Phoob is now a replica of Kermit.
Kermit 	Good grief! Even your clothes are the same!
Phoob 	It's called the survival of the trench-coated.
Kermit 	Yeah, but... but you can't do this!
Phoob 	Uh, this is Kermit the Frog, returning you to...
Kermit 	I'm Kermit the Frog!
Phoob 	I am!
Kermit 	I am!
 	The two Kermits start fighting.
Kermit & Phoob	(pausing) Uh, these are Kermit the Frogs, returning you to The Muppet Show.
 	They resume fighting.
Kermit 	You can't do that! Will you stop?! I'm the real Kermit, folks.
Waldorf 	Well, I didn't think l'd live to see it, but, for once, they've given us something other than second-rate entertainment.
Statler 	What's that?
Waldorf 	Third-rate entertainment.
 	They chuckle.
=="Happy Feet"==
 	Main stage. Kermit is wearing a tuxedo.
Kermit 	Many of you people have been writing in to ask the question, can the frog tap dance? And of course, the answer to that is, hit it!
 	Kermit dances his way through "Happy Feet," even though his feet are never shown on-screen. Everyone applauds, including Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf	That's a great song, eh?
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie approaches Kermit at his desk.
Fozzie	Hey, Kermit? Kermit, Kermit.
Kermit	Hmm? What?
Fozzie	Hey, I got a message for ya' from Gonzo.
Kermit	Uh oh. What's the bad news?
Fozzie	Hmm? Oh, no, it's good news! Yeah. Gonzo has half of his motorcycle jump perfected.
 	Gonzo's motorcycle begins revving elsewhere in the room.
Kermit	Which half?
Fozzie	The take-off.
Kermit	What about the landing?
Fozzie	Wha?
 	Gonzo's motorcycle sails across the room and crashes on top of Kermit and Fozzie. The three rise up, disheveled. Gonzo is cross-eyed.
Gonzo 	...the landing still needs work. (faints)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today, reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters. Seven people have allegedly been attacked by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town. A dining-room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.
 	The Camera pans out to reveal The Newsman on a television screen in the living room of a Whatnot man watching sitting on an ottoman
Newsman	(on tv; continuing) When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Goelz assured Muppet News central that the rumor was false. According to Goelz, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.
 	The ottoman comes to life and the man jumps off and starts wacking it with a newspaper
Newsman	(on tv; continuing) Scientists throughout the city confirmed that such an occurrence would be impossible. (continuing, indistinct) ...that inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters.
 	The man backs into a dresser that begins to come to life and attack as well
Newsman	(on tv; continuing) Still these groundless rumors persist. The mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling "furnophobia, " a dread fear of the rising prices of home furnishings.
 	The man runs out of the room, pursued by the dresser and a lamp
Newsman	(on tv; continuing) The phenomena does seem to relate to the cost-of-living increase during the past month. But people are advised to relax, secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster.
 	The man, having avoided the furniture makes it back into the living room and slams the door behind him
Newsman	(on tv; continuing) And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Goodnight.
 	The TV shuts off, and grows fangs and eats the man, as he backs into it
 	In Muppet News central
Newsman	Boy, that last item about furniture is ridiculous.
 	His desk eats him
==Pigs in Space==
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last left the rocketship Swinetrek, it was drifting aimlessly in space due to a power failure in the control panel.
 	In the bridge, Captain Link and First Mate Piggy worry.
Piggy 	Oh!
Link 	First Mate Piggy, if Dr. Strangepork can't restore power to the control panel, we'll be marooned in space forever.
Piggy 	Oh, no!
Link 	Well, look at the bright side, my dear. At least you will spend the rest of your days with me.
Piggy 	...that's the bright side?
 	Dr. Strangepork enters the bridge.
Strangepork	Well, I fixed the control panel.
Piggy 	Oh, that's wonderful, doctor!
Strangepork	Yeah, it was faulty viring.
Link 	Hmm, nice work, Dr. Strangepork.
Strangepork	Oh, ho, it was nothing, Link. Actually, I just used some vires from the electric toaster.
Link 	Hmm, good thinking. Here, I'll try it.
 	Link pulls a lever and Miss Piggy is ejected below, screaming.
Strangepork	...uh oh.
Link 	(chuckling) That's all right, doctor. Actually, it's kind of funny.
Strangepork	Jå. (laughs)
 	Link pushes the lever back and Piggy returns.
Link 	You see, that's what you'd call, "raising a pig." (laughs)
Strangepork	Ha! "Raising a pig!" Hahahaha! She has her ups and downs! Oh, hohoho!
Piggy 	Oh, oh! So, so, so, you think that's funny, huh? Well, it's your turn, Linko!
Link 	Wh-wha?
 	Piggy pulls a lever and Strangepork drops out.
Link 	(chuckles) Thought you had me, didn't ya'?
Piggy 	(groans)
 	Piggy flips it back and Strangepork reappears. She flips it again and he falls back down.
Link 	(laughs) Why don't you try this one right here?
Piggy 	I am not that stupid.
Link 	Well, then I'll try it. Ah!
 	Link pulls a lever and falls down himself.
Piggy 	(laughing) He was that stupid!
 	Piggy flips back the lever and Link returns, sucking his thumb.
Link 	I want my mommy.
Piggy 	Still think it's funny, Bacon Brain?
Link 	No, we've gotta get Dr. Strangepork back!
 	Link pulls a lever and Gonzo appears in Strangepork's chair.
Gonzo 	Hey, I'm not supposed to be here, right?
Link 	Right!
 	Link pulls another lever, causing Gonzo and Piggy to fall down.
Link 	What? What happened?
 	Link pushes it back. Beaker and a chicken pop up in their places.
Link 	Beaker!
Chicken 	Bawk, bawk, bak, woah!
 	Link throws the lever and the chicken disappears. Link pulls another one and Beaker falls down and a Koozbanian pops up. Link pulls another lever and the alien leaves, but now Luncheon Counter Monster pops up. He pulls a lever, causing Link to disappear and the Witch Doctor to pop up. The monster pulls another lever, ejecting himself and popping up Chopped Liver. He throws another switch and Statler appears.
Waldorf 	I don't believe that.
 	Gonzo pops up in Statler's empty seat.
Gonzo 	I'm not supposed to be here either, right?
 	Gonzo pops back down.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Whatnot (JH) 	You know, the trouble with women is they always take things personally.
Woman (JH) 	I don't.
 	Switch to Zelda Rose and Droop.
Zelda Rose 	The trouble with men is that they're all too wishy-washy.
Droop 	Well, sometimes yes, and... sometimes no.
 	Switch to two more.
Pink lady (RH) 	The trouble with you is you can't take criticism.
Blue Frackle (RH) 	Oh, that's a low-down, rotten lie. What do you mean I can't take...
 	Switch to two more.
Man (FO) 	The trouble with you is you're conceited.
Woman (FO) 	I am not. Although I have every reason to be.
 	Switch to two more.
Woman (DG) 	The trouble with you is you're always sticking your nose into everybody's business.
Man (DG) 	Aw, what choice have I got?
 	Switch to two more.
Man (JH) 	You know, the trouble with you is you're so stubborn. You refuse to change.
 	POOF! Her head turns into a Green Frackle's head.
Green Frackle (JH)	Wanna bet?
==Muppet Sports==
 	The opening montage plays.
Louis 	Hello, sports fans, this is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet sports. Today finds us at the national wig racing championships. (aside, sotto voice) Wig racing? Uh-huh. Well, luckily, I have one of the trainers here, who may be able to explain.
Wig trainer	Uh, yes, sir.
Louis 	Today is my first time out wig racing, sir, or do you call this a derby?
Wig trainer	Uh, no, sir, this is a wig, (points to his hat) this is a derby. (snickers)
Louis 	Uh, does the wig have a name?
Wig trainer	I call this wig Greased Lightning.
Louis 	'Cause it's speedy?
Wig trainer	No, 'cause it's greasy.
Louis 	Don't you use a shampoo?
Wig trainer	Uh, no, sir, I do not use sham-poo for my wigs. Only use real poo. Nothing but the best poo for my wigs.
 	A whistle blows.
Louis 	Oh, ah! That whistle means that the wigs are on the blocks.
 	A bugle sounds. The referee fires a pistol, and the wigs start racing. A crowd of dogs cheers them on.
Louis 	And they're off!
 	Lew's wig runs after them.
Louis 	Mine's off! Hey! (runs after it)
==Backstage==
Fozzie	Here's one of these jokes he gave me. It's terrible.
 	Enter Hilda and Gonzo.
Kermit	OK, a joke.
Fozzie	Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes.
Gonzo 	Shoot.
Fozzie	I stay at a hotel so exclusive, room service has an unlisted number.
 	The three of them burst out laughing and run away. Fozzie gets a look of realization, and looks around for Scooter.
Fozzie	SCOOOOOOTERRR! Scooter?
==The Ant and the Grasshopper==
 	A trumpet fanfare plays as Sam stands by a small stage holding a book just as harpsichord music plays.
Sam the Eagle	What — now? Oh. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable, which should serve as a moral lesson to us all. Ahem. Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper.
 	They appear on the stage.
Sam the Eagle	It was warm and sunny where they lived. But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk, storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come.
Ant 	Ohh, toil and labor, work and strife, are all that matter in this life.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, the ant is a wonderful character. But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper sang and danced with appalling abandon.
Grasshopper 	Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun. Hoo hoo!
Sam the Eagle	Shocking! Shocking! And eventually, just as expected, winter came.
 	The "winter" backdrop is lowered.
Sam the Eagle	Very nice. And then it was, dear listeners... ahem. (turns the page) ... that the grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida, and the ant got stepped on. What?
 	Both of those things happen onstage.
Sam the Eagle	Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script! Someone changed it! We'll — we'll have to do it again! (facepalms)
Statler 	The grasshopper drove to Florida. (laughs)
Waldorf 	The ant got stepped on. (they laugh)
Sam the Eagle	Will you stop that?
Waldorf 	(whimpers) Why are they picking on us tonight?
Statler 	(mumbles) I dunno …
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie reads from a piece of paper.
Fozzie 	"Let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin …"
Scooter	Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	"Let me tell you" — Oh! Oh. Hi. Hi, Scooter.
Scooter	Yeah - hey, Foz, you know, I think you're the greatest comedian there ever was.
Fozzie 	(dumbfounded) Me? You think that I'm the — Oh, wow.
Scooter	Really, I mean it. Cross my heart.
Fozzie 	Yeah?
Scooter	You're the best. Nobody, nobody tells a joke as good as you. Every line, every joke, everything you say, it makes me fall down laughing. You're a million laughs! (laughs out loud)
Fozzie 	Okay. Hey, hey. In that case, ahem, let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin. He's so rich, his automobile's fitted with a prescription windshield.
Scooter	OK, tell me about him.
 	He gives Scooter a blank stare.
Fozzie 	(to the viewer) Lucky his uncle owns this place. (to Scooter) That was a joke!
 	Scooter bursts out laughing.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a bulletin from the Muppet Newsroom! The spaceship Swinetrek is about to make a soft landing on a distant planet. In other planetary news, Venus is about to make a hard landing on the Muppet Newsroom...that doesn't make sense.
 	The Venus de Milo statue topples over onto the desk.
==Pigs in Space==
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was about to make a soft landing on the planet Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob 	Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... (lingers)
Miss Piggy 	Five.
Link Hogthrob 	Five, I know. Four... three... two… one... touchdown. That should do it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Nice work, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	Thank you, Strangepork. What'd you think, First Mate Piggy?
 	The ship crashes, startling them. Link sucks his thumb.
Miss Piggy 	I think your landings are hard and your brain is soft.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, no matter. Now comes the moment the whole world has been waiting for.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, what's that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, to see the first pig walk on the planet Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. Oh, yeah.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	The TV camera is on, and when you step out there, Link, you'll become the most famous pig in history.
Miss Piggy 	Um... Um... Why don't I just uh, step out and see if it is safe for mon capitain?
Link Hogthrob 	Why, that's very thoughtful of you, First Mate Piggy.
 	She saunters to the door, humming.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	No, Link, no! Then she'll be the first pig on the planet Koozebane and get all the glory!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right! Stop, First Mate Piggy! (tackles her)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Nice tackle, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	This is a job for a captain pig.
Miss Piggy 	(scowls at Strangepork)
Link Hogthrob 	Wish me luck. Here I go. (strains to open the door) Oh, no, it's stuck.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Or maybe it opens in, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	No, it definitely opens out, I know. (pushes)
Miss Piggy 	Oh, brother.
Link Hogthrob 	I'm gonna have to get a — I'm gonna have to back up and get a running start and break down this door.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, excuse me. Uh...
Link Hogthrob 	(on his mark) Here I go. Back up. Watch out. Oop, wait a minute …
Miss Piggy 	(over Link) Moth brain, if it doesn't... If it doesn't open in, and if it doesn't open out, then obviously...
Link Hogthrob 	Here I come!
Miss Piggy 	… it must slide open.
 	She opens the door. Link runs through it, slipping on his way out.
Announcer 	So ends part one. If you can stand it, stay tuned for part two.
Miss Piggy 	(to camera) Don't.
=="In the Summertime"==
 	The Country Trio perform "In the Summertime".
Waldorf	Encore! Encore!
Statler	Not so loud. They may hear you.
==Pigs in Space cont'd==
Announcer 	And now, part two of Pigs In Space. As you may recall, the spaceship was landing on the planet Koozebane, and Link Hogthrob was taking his giant leap for swinekind.
 	After landing on the planet's surface, Link gets up and calls out.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, greetings from Koozebane. Uh, this is captain Link Hogthrob, the first pig to ever set foot on this distant planet.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, forget it.
Link Hogthrob 	Wait, I'm on television.
Miss Piggy 	No, you're not, dear.
Link Hogthrob 	Huh?
Miss Piggy 	The camera broke.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. Well, might as well go home then.
Miss Piggy 	No, no, no! We can't. We must find out if there is life on Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob 	Wha? (looks around) You mean... You mean like, uh... You mean like little green monsters?
Miss Piggy 	I don't know. But we must find out.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, well uh… (soft voice) Yoo-hoo, anybody here? Uh, no, let's go home.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, oh, is my captain afraid?
Link Hogthrob 	What, me afraid? Why, of course not.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(pops up behind a crater) Yoo-hoo!
 	Link screams and jumps into Piggy's arms, shivering.
Link Hogthrob 	What was that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	It was me, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. I knew that.
 	Piggy puts him down.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, you all right now, First Mate Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, brother.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, there's no life on Koozebane. My life detection computer pack indicates it's impossible for any life to exist on this planet.
Link Hogthrob 	Good, let's go.
Miss Piggy 	What a shame. It's such a pretty planet.
 	They go back to the ship. Zoom out to reveal some talking rocks.
Rock (KM) 	George, wake up. I think I hear prowlers.
Rock (DG) 	Aw, Martha, go back to sleep.
 	They yawn as the closing sting plays.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Oh, what a day this has been. If this keeps up, I'm gonna wind up talking to myself.
 	POP! Dr. Bunsen suddenly appears behind him.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ooh, my my my. Another scientific breakthrough for Muppet Labs.
Kermit 	Bunsen Honeydew, what do you mean sneaking up on me like that?
 	POP! Kermit hardly notices Bunsen disappear.
Kermit 	Something's going on here. I've been shouted at, run down by a motorcycle, and now I'm...
Scooter 	(passing by) Hey, Kermit? You're talking to yourself.
Kermit 	(looks around, confused) Thank goodness we got a quiet song coming up. (runs off)
=="When"==
 	Open on a lit candelabra on top of the piano as Rowlf plays.
Rowlf 	When the whippoorwill is singing in the forest…
 	He plays a little trill.
Rowlf 	That's a whippoorwill right there.
When the little brook is murmuring a tune … 
When the mockingbird is chirping in the wild wood …
And a lonely wolf is howling at the moon … (howls)
When the leaves of the old oak tree start a-rustling,
And a waterfall makes sounds like woman's tears …
When the whole world is filled with Mother Nature's noises…
That's the time to stuff cotton in your ears!
Waldorf	You never know when something funny is gonna happen on this show.
Statler	Did something funny happen?
Waldorf	Yeah.
Statler	You'd never know it.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Rowlf passes by.
Kermit 	Rowlf, that was supposed to be a nice, quiet number.
 	POP! Beaker appears behind him, holding a chemistry set.
Kermit 	Beaker!
 	Beaker yelps, tossing the chemistry set.
Kermit 	Beaker?! What is it with you guys from the lab? (POP! Beaker disappears.) First Bunsen and now you? What are you guys trying to do to us?!
Scooter	(passing by) Hey, Kermit? Kermit?
Kermit 	WHAT IS IT??
Scooter	Now you're shouting at yourself.
 	Kermit looks around, whimpering.
=="Hawaiian War Chant"==
 	Hawaiian pigs and penguins sing the "Hawaiian War Chant". Quongo the Wild Mountain Gorilla throws coconuts at the singers.
Statler	Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow, ow, ow-ow-ow-ow!
Waldorf	Hey — are you speaking Hawaiian?
Statler	No! I bit my tongue! Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow …
Waldorf	(chuckles)
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Would you take care of Foo-foo, Scooter? (dashes off)
Scooter	Well, then... (short pause) Take care of Foo-foo, Fozzie. (dashes off)
Fozzie 	Uh, listen. Uhh, I got a date with a polar bear, uh … take, take care of Foo-foo, Gonzo. (dashes off)
Gonzo 	Wha? — Uh … oh! I've got an anvil in the oven! Whew. Take care of Foo-foo, Floyd. (dashes off)
Floyd 	Uh, I think I got the whooping cough! Take care of Foo-foo, will you, uh … oh, no.
Foo-foo	(barks)
==Talking Houses==
 	Open on a row of houses. Zoom in on the two left.
House 2	My wife's not feeling well.
House 1	Oh, sorry to hear it. What's the trouble?
House 2	She's got the shingles.
 	Zoom out. Musical button.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield hat factory. Reports say that hats are falling all over the...
 	Hats immediately fall on him.
==Chimes==
	A chicken plays "For Me and My Gal" on the chimes, and quickly gets whacked by a swinging chime.
=="Windmills of Your Mind"==
 	The Screaming Thing is sitting in a chair.
Screaming Thing	I'm very relaxed. I'm terribly calm and tranquil. I'm very, very relaxed indeed. On the outside, but on the inside...
 	The Screaming Thing sings "Windmills of Your Mind" while running. He sings and runs increasingly faster until he crashes into a windmill.
Screaming Thing	...But on the outside I'm very calm.
 	He screams and runs off screen.
Waldorf 	(drowsy) Wha — wake me when the show starts.
Statler 	It's already been on a while.
Waldorf 	Oh. Wake me when it's over.
==Dressing Room==
 	Piggy watches as Foo-foo climbs down from a cushion.
Miss Piggy	That's it, Foo-foo. Come to mama, all the way down. Oo-dee-boo-dee-boo-boo. Yes. Here, I'll help you up — (sets her on the table) There. Now, Floyd, you only have to watch over Foo-foo for a little while, just until I've done Veterinarian's Hospital.
Floyd 	Yeah, well make it fast, okay?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm, okay, now just remember, all of Foo-foo's things are right here on the table. There's her brush, and there's her angora sweater …
 	Foo-foo throws it aside.
Miss Piggy	Ha! Isn't that cuuuuute?
Floyd 	Heh. Yeah.
Miss Piggy	Oh, and there is her little bowl, and her little spoon …
Floyd 	You want I should spoon-feed her?
 	Piggy and Foo-foo both nod.
Miss Piggy	Oh, oh, oh, Floyd, don't forget her dental floss, right there. (points)
Floyd 	What?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm, especially around her back teeth. Little bits of lamb chops get stuck there. (exits)
Floyd 	I don't believe this. (Foo-foo snarls at him) Hey!
Miss Piggy	(peers in) Floyd?
Floyd 	Yes, yes?
Miss Piggy	Floyd? Now, you two have a wonderfoo time. Kissy-kissy, Foo-foo! (exits)
Floyd 	Well, don't worry your head, mama, we're gonna have a swell time, me and little puppy Foo-foo here. Yeah, I got the brush to brush her, the coat to keep her warm, and the spoon to feed her … and a nice safe place to keep the little puppy dog. Heh heh heh heh. Yes indeed.
 	He picks up Foo-foo, puts her in a drawer, shuts it and traps her inside.
Floyd 	Breathe through the keyhole, turkey-dog. (laughs)
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	The theme music plays. A cow lies on the operating table.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Audience 	We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy! We want Piggy!
 	They cheer when she emerges.
Miss Piggy	Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Dr. Bob... Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	What?
Miss Piggy	Where did we get this patient from?
Rowlf 	Oh, well, she was found with a bunch of cows.
Miss Piggy	Not bunch, herd.
Rowlf 	Heard of what?
Miss Piggy	Herd of cows.
Rowlf 	Sure, I've heard of cows.
 	They all laugh, including the cow.
Miss Piggy	No, no, no, I mean, the cow's herd.
Rowlf 	I don't care if the cow's heard. I haven't said anything to be ashamed of.
 	They all laugh, including the cow.
Janice 	But Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?
Rowlf 	No, I think we've milked this joke long enough.
 	They all laugh, including the cow.
Cow 	Oh, look. I have a steak in this too, you know.
 	They all laugh, including the cow. They look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer 	And so, Dr. Bob has taken the bull by the horns. Tune in next time when you'll hear Miss Piggy say...
Miss Piggy	This has really been a moooving experience.
 	The audience applauds and throws flowers on the stage.
Miss Piggy	Oh, thank you, thank you. Mwah! Mwah! Bless you. Kiss kiss kiss! Oh, thank you, thank you…
=="Mississippi Mud"==
 	The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "Mississippi Mud" as they tap their feet in the mud.
Statler	(facing away from the stage) Bravo, oh, bravo! Wonderful, just wonderful.
Waldorf	How would you know? You're not even facing the stage.
Statler	Why did you have to tell me? I was having such a good time!
==Backstage==
 	The jug band walks past Scooter and Kermit.
Scooter	Yeah, great number. Really good. Really good. Very believable. Good number. Great number. Hey! Hey, who forgot to wipe their feet?
==Gonzo's Act (part 2)==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, for the second time this evening, the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage, into that box up there, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
Statler 	We're not afraid, we know Gonzo!
Waldorf 	If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again! (both laugh)
Kermit 	And so, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen...
Gonzo 	(from behind the curtain) I'm ready, Kermit!
Kermit 	Yeah, I'm introducing you.
Gonzo 	Introduce fast, I'm really ready!
Kermit 	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
 	The curtains open just as Gonzo flies through them, crashing into Statler and Waldorf's box. The two duck.
Gonzo 	There. That was easy, wasn't it?
Statler and Waldorf	Ohhh. (both faint)
==Bear on Patrol==
 	The opening sequence plays.
Announcer 	Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
 	Open on Link stamping papers. Fozzie enters, teetering, with an octopus stuck to his head.
Fozzie 	Whooaaaaa, gotcha— I gotcha. Come here.
Link Hogthrob	Patrol Bear?
Fozzie 	Yes sir!
Link Hogthrob	Listen, would you get back in uniform before I put you on report? That is not regulation headgear.
Fozzie 	Nope, this is my prisoner. Sir! (struggles more) I caught him picking pockets at the aquarium.
Link Hogthrob	Did you catch him wet-handed? (chuckles)
Fozzie 	Terrific. (struggles more)
Link Hogthrob	Listen, Patrol Bear, I want you to book him.
Fozzie 	Wha-how? How do you mean, how's that?
Link Hogthrob	Well, you know, take a set of fingerprints.
Fozzie 	Wha — ah — where do I start?
Link Hogthrob	Well, you start with the pinky.
Fozzie 	(struggles more) I don't think he has a pinky — I think they're all greenies. Whoa! Whoaaaaa!
Link Hogthrob	He must have a pinky. Where would he wear his pinky ring?
Fozzie 	Sir, could you just get another patrol — AAHH! (struggles more) Please don't — wait, wait —
 	Fozzie tries his best to get a tentacle-print from the octopus. The phone rings. Link answers it.
Fozzie 	Sir, could you — WAUGH! (struggles more on the floor)
Link Hogthrob	Hello? Yeah. What? Hmm. Is that right?
Fozzie 	Help! I just — please, could we talk about this?
Link Hogthrob	Okay. (hangs up) Um … something more important has just come up, Patrol Bear. I want you to release — Patrol Bear … uh, would you release that prisoner, please?
 	The octopus pins Fozzie down again.
Link Hogthrob	You see, that call was from the aquarium. I want you to go over there and check it out. Somebody stole a valuable octopus.
 	The octopus gets up, now wearing Fozzie's uniform.
Octopus 	Check, chief! (exits)
 	Fozzie gets up, dazed, sans clothing.
Fozzie 	I … y'see …
 	He looks down, yelps, covers himself and ducks down.
Fozzie 	Check, chief. (exits)
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, with a boiling pot on the stove. He waves a pan and spatula.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses them aside.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de høttï døggï. … De døggï … (displays a frankfurter) … (mock Swedish) … de høttï pøttï. (opens the lid and tests the heat) Woo woo woo. (mock Swedish) … de døggï intø de pøttï.
 	He opens the pot and empties the bowl of frankfurters.
Voice 	Psst! Psst! Psst!
 	The Chef wonders where the voice is coming from.
Swedish Chef	(peeks into the pot) Hellø?
Voice 	Psst! Psst!
 	It's Piggy, crawling on the floor.
Miss Piggy 	Psst! Psst! Chef.
Swedish Chef	Oh! (chuckles) (mock Swedish) … de pïg.
Miss Piggy 	Have you seen Foo-foo?
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … "Foo-foo"?
Miss Piggy 	Foo-foo, my dog, you twit.
Swedish Chef	Døg?
Miss Piggy 	Yes.
Swedish Chef	Oh. De døg is in de pøttï. (removes the lid and points)
Miss Piggy 	What?!?
Swedish Chef	Jå. Eat døggï, jå?
Miss Piggy 	Wha — Foo-foo, wait! Hi-YAH!
 	She tries to karate-chop the Chef, but he blocks her with the lid. BONNNGGGG! Piggy is left shaken.
Swedish Chef	(offers a frankfurter) Piggï eatï høt døggï?
Statler 	I don't understand him. Why doesn't he go back to what he was doing before he became a chef?
Waldorf 	What was that?
Statler 	Nothing.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit spots Floyd about to enter Piggy's dressing room.
Kermit 	Uh, Floyd, aren't you supposed to be in the band for the closing number?
Floyd 	Mm-mm. Can't, man. I promised I'd go have a chat with the pork princess. (snickers)
Kermit 	(to the viewer) Oh boy. If I were Floyd, I wouldn't do that, because maybe Miss Piggy has realized that he's the one that stuffed Foo-foo into the drawer.
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!!
 	Floyd comes flying out of the dressing room, landing on the drums.
Kermit 	Uh, strike the maybe.
 	Floyd gets up, looking dizzy.
==William Tell Overture==
 	As the orchestra tunes up, Beauregard passes by Sam in the wings.
Beauregard 	Excuse me.
Sam the Eagle	(stops him) Oh! Oh! You can't go out there. That is the stage.
Beauregard 	Well, I know that...
Sam the Eagle	Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Beauregard 	I know that. I'm playing in the William Tell Overture.
Sam the Eagle	I didn't know you were musical.
Beauregard 	I'm not. (walks off)
Sam the Eagle	Hmm. Should have a lot in common with the rest of the band.
 	The orchestra, with Animal on the drums, plays the William Tell Overture. The double bass player uses the strings of his bass as a bow to shoot the bass's bow across the stage. The projectile then pierces an apple situated on Beauregard's head. Sam facepalms, and the orchestra members laugh.
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I am just bubbly with excitement. We have just been testing our new Muppet Labs teleporter, and it works perfectly. You see, a teleporter is a device which instantly transports people from one place to another.
Kermit 	A-ha! So, that's what's been happening around here. You have been zapping people in and out of my theater!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(stammers) Please, Mr. Kermit, I'm in the very midst of an important demonstration.
 	He pushes Kermit into the teleporter.
Kermit 	Yeah? Well, listen, I'm in the midst of a nervous breakdown. You cannot go zapping people around...
 	POP! Kermit disappears with the push of a button.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	As I was saying, our new teleporter works perfectly. A few minutes ago, I sent my assistant, Beaker, hurtling through space to the deepest jungles of Africa. And now we will bring him back.
 	POP! With the push of a button, Beaker appears, being manhandled by a wild mountain gorilla.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Beaker! Beaker, put that gorilla back! Oh! You don't know where he's been!
 	POP! He sends them back.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	There. Back to Africa they go. And now just Beaker will return.
 	POP! Kermit and the gorilla return.
Kermit 	Beaker, this thing has gotta stop! Honeydew?! Wha — whoever did this?!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's all today from Muppet Labs.
Kermit 	You bet that's all!
 	Kermit frees himself as the scene ends in chaos.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Dateline, Egypt. Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than five thousand years old in the Nile Valley. An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god Rezal-evad-gib — that's Rezal-evad-gib — would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud. — That's a ridiculous story, I don't kno — (screams)
 	A large crocodile appears from behind the desk and eats the Newsman.
==Backstage==
Fozzie	Kermit! Oh, Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit	What?
Fozzie	Oh, no! The next act just cancelled.
Kermit	What? But, that was a terrific act. It was Prunella and her Prancing Poultry.
Fozzie	Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah … Kermit, see, about, about that poultry...
Kermit	Mm-hm.
Fozzie	… yesterday duck hunting season began.
Kermit	I don't want to hear about it. I will go and explain to the audience.
=="Bein' Green"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how to tell you this, uh, but uh, frankly, the next act can't make it. They're otherwise engaged with a lot of orange sauce, I'm afraid. Anyhow, I don't have anything to replace it.
 	The curtain opens behind him, revealing a blank set.
Kermit	Oh, boy. You may have noticed that we're not terribly well organized around here, and … and tonight I'm just barely making it, I don't know... sometimes it's very difficult.
 	Music swells up as he goes to sit on a crate. As he sings "Bein' Green", the stage gradually fills with a swamp setting.
 	Applause.
=="Java"==
 	The number, "Java," is performed.
Waldorf	That song had a nice beat.
Statler	No, no. I don't want to eat.
Waldorf	I said "beat." "Beat," you old fool! Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?
Statler	There's gonna be a raid? Well, let's get outta here! (tries to exit the balcony)
Waldorf	(shakes head) I give up.
=="Rockin' Robin"==
 	Main stage.
Kermit 	And now a song that asks the musical question, "why are those people sitting in a tree, hmm?"
 	Janice and The Electric Mayhem sing "Rockin' Robin," perched on tree branches. The Robin and some birds are joined by Dr. Teeth on the tambourine, Lips on the trumpet, and Animal, Zoot, and Floyd.
Waldorf	Well, that's something new. They've never gone up a tree before.
Statler	No, they usually just go out on a limb.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks around.
Kermit 	Hey, Scooter, Scooter. Scooter?
Scooter	Yeah, boss.
Kermit 	Scooter, would you get everybody on stage for the closing number?
Scooter	Right, boss.
 	Meanwhile in the balcony …
Waldorf	Well, the show is speeding along very quickly this evening.
Statler	Oh, yes. Someone must have told 'em it's harder to hit a moving target. Heh heh.
=="Take a Chance on Me"==
 	The curtain opens. Green birds sing "Take a Chance on Me" while bouncing on telephone pole wires.
Statler	That's what you'd call a wire act.
Waldorf	On this show, everything's a wire act.
Statler	Oh?
Waldorf	Sure. You keep asking, "Wire they doing that?"
 	They chuckle.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, it has been quite a show and I have certainly had a good time.
 	Piggy rushes up, holding Foo-foo.
Miss Piggy	Kermie! Kermie! Kermie! Oh, oh, oh, I found Foo-foo! Ohh.
Foo-foo 	Woof!
Kermit 	(frowns) Uh, so much for good times.
Janice 	Hey guys, has anybody seen Floyd?
Miss Piggy	Oh, heh, I wouldn't worry (either so or too) much about Floyd. (to Foo-foo) He can breathe through the keyhole. (Foo-foo giggles)
 	The credits roll.
Waldorf 	Just when you think this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
Statler 	What?
Waldorf 	It ends.
 	They chuckle.
 	THE END
Category:Muppets
Category:Blu-Ray
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