Grub club

announcer: Be a part of the Grub Club!  Everything will GROW for you!
Segment #1 - Appetizer with Epiqua Uniqua
Epiqua: Hello, I'm Epiqua Uniqua. And welcome to THE Grub Club! On today's episode, your favorite chefs are going to make you a three course meal!
Of course NO meal is complete without an appetizer, and for today's we'lll be making a beautiful house salad! Of course the main ingredient in any salad is some steamy wet lettuce! This green can be enjoyed anywhere- just grind it up and put it in your bowl! Of course, you can't just use lettuce- you have to use other vegetables! One of my favorite vegetables for a salad is a nice, long, firm cucumber. *licks cucumber* Still fresh! Just strap that baby onto the cutting board and chop! *chops cucumber, then stares at camera* Ro, this is what'll happen to you if we don't win this challenge. Now you can add other vegetables, such as avacado, shallots, ,and tomatoes! So many vegetables, it's almost like looking at the other team!
Now, no salad is compelete without some delicious dressing! And my recipie is truly guaranteed to please! Start with some virgin olive oil, and then penetrate that purity with some zesty lemon juice! Add in some red wine vinegar- guaranteed to make the salad, and me looser! And finish it off with some big juicy black pepper! You know what htey say, once you go black, you NEVER go back! All you have to do now is TOSS that salad as hard as you can. really get in there, as deep as you can, and voila! A beautiful starting course, but we'll go to Elissa and Morphine for the main event!
Segment #2 - Entrée with Morphine and Elissa Catharsis
Elissa: Thanks, Epiqua. Coming to you straight from our Dutch Oven, I'm Elissa Catharsis!
Morphine: Get ready to go on a trip - it's Morphine!
Elissa: and we're going to show you today how to make some big, beefy lasagna.
Morphine: BIG and BEEFY, just like a needle, or the claws of a bear! 
Elissa: We're going to start with boiling long sheets of pasta. *takes out pasta sheets* Just drop them into a hot, wet pot of water and turn up the heat!
Morphine: Like your blood when you reach the pits of hell - a swell 350 degrees fahrenheit! *places hand on the scalding hot oven eye and does not make a face*
Elissa: Ooh, hot. *winks at Morphine* Then, once it's all been boiled, it's time to spread the chunky, warm tomato sauce over it in layers. *puts pasta sheets in pan and begins to sensually spread tomato sauce*
Morphine: That's right, Elissa. Get your hands all in that tomato sauce...like the blood of your enemies. Or the blood of a thousand virgins!
Elissa: And of course, don't forget to cut up the big, thick sausage. *picks up sausage link and licks it before winking at the camera*
Morphine: *gives the camera a death glare while mutilating the sausage with a knife*
Elissa: Wow, very sensual! Next, we just need to spread the white sauce on both sides of our next sheet of lasagna. Everyone loves a gooey, thick and creamy white sauce. 
Morphine: Mmmmm, Elissa, don't you love the texture of this creamy white sauce? Just like the texture of crushed bones...from your cat. *death glares*
Elissa: *gasps* YOU were the one that destroyed my pussy?
Morphine: Of course. I crushed it with my big, fat...long...*struggles to lift a giant hammer on the table from between her legs* ... HAMMER.
Elissa: Oh, Morphine! That is one BIG hammer! That would blow my back OUT.
Morphine: Wanna see what my BIIGG hammer can do? *smashes the tray of lasagna and splashes the tomato sauce on Elissa's face, like blood* -- you've got a little something on your face, Elissa.
Elissa: Oh, do I? Could you maybe wipe that off? *smiles and winks*
Morphine: *leans in to lick the sauce off but just begins making out with Elissa instead*
[the two fall to the ground on top of each other, out of view]
Segment #3 - Dessert with Epiphany and Dorothy Gay
Dorothy: Well, while those horny hobos are busy, let's move over to our sweet treat. I'm Dorothy Gay--
Epiphany: Surprise! It's me, Epiphany!
Dorothy: To finish off our wonderful Italian feast, we'll be making cannolis!
Epiphany: An Italian dessert to an Italian meal? I didn't see that coming!
Dorothy: *glares at Epiphany* Right. Okay, so, here's how you make a DELICIOUS cannoli. You take a big, long tube of fried dough...
Epiphany: And fill it with sweet ricotta cheese...
Dorothy: Making sure it's REALLY creamy. *squeezes white material out of an icing bag into the tube*
Epiphany: I predict this will be the best cannoli ever.
Dorothy: And that's all it takes! Just pick up your sweet treat and start to eat. It's got a hard shell with a creamy center. *begins to deepthroat cannoli*
Epiphany: Dorothy, are you sure that's how you eat a cannoli?
Dorothy: *fits entire cannoli into mouth and winks at camera*
announcer: Be a part of the Grub Club!  Everything will GROW for you!