Knock Knock/Transcript

(GRUNTS)
I am sorry.
- Oh, it's okay.
- I am sorry, baby.
- I am sorry.
- Fucking shoulder.
Keep going.
That's helping.
Never. Just a little bit.
Just to clean it up.
I am not cutting it.
But you'd look so hot with short hair.
- Oh, would I?
- Yeah.
- Thank you. (CHUCKLES) No, no, no...
- Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
You are hot.
You are the hottest.
- Keep going.
- You and your gorgeous,
thick, long hair.
Continue. I just fucking love the way it's long.
Yeah? Happy Father's Day, Daddy!
Kids, we said after breakfast.
I want cake for breakfast.
Wow! Chocolate with sprinkles!
My favorite.
Happy Father's Day!
- Open it! Open it! Open it! Open it!
- Open it! Open it! I am, I am.
I like building up the anticipation.
- Oh, you guys... You like it?
- I love it. Muah! I love it.
- Thank you. Mom helped us.
- No, I didn't. It was all their idea.
- Right, kids?
- BOTH: Right.
- Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
- Okay, okay. Cake! Cake! Cake!
Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
Oh, look at that beautiful looking cake!
- (SCREAMS)
- Ah... Who did this to monster!
- (GRUNTING)
- (SHRIEKING)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you can't hide from monster!
Monster can smell you!
JAKE: Run! Run! Monster's coming!
- (GROWLING)
- (LISA SQUEALING)
Argh!
Monster made kids disappear.
And...
Monster want to finish what we started.
Too late, the kids are awake.
Monster sad.
I am sure monster can wait till Monday.
Monster been waiting three weeks.
Yeah, but with the kids and my exhibition
I cannot keep everybody happy all the time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Monster doesn't want to start a fight.
Okay. Sorry, me neither.
I promise we will finish this
as soon as I get back.
Oh, monster happy.
Monster happy. (GIGGLING)
Monster very happy.
- (GROWLING)
- (CHILDREN LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Yeah, Mommy.
- Gracias. De nada.
- Everybody packed? Yeah.
Monkey, good boy.
Dad, why can't we take
Monkey to the beach with us?
Yeah, you know he loves the beach. Monkey
needs to stay here and keep your dad company
so he doesn't stay all alone during the weekend.
Come on. That's unfair. Knock-knock.
KIDS: Hey, Louis!
Hey, guys, hot off the presses.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
- What's going on, Louis? What's shaking?
- What's going on, little guys?
Mr. Webber, how are you, sir?
Morning, Louis.
I'd offer you a hand, but all
I can lift is this coffee.
Oh, that's what happens when you try
to impress girls in the bat cage.
I wasn't flirting,
I was being a gentleman.
Yeah, I am sure she was
a poor helpless 25-year-old.
Yeah, helpless.
(KAREN CHUCKLES)
Do you know what this is? Is it a Father's Day
present for Daddy? No, this is Mommy's catalog.
Assuming they got the color
right this time. Oh, let's hope.
LISA: I think they did.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It's a little bit magenta, but it's almost perfect.
What's magenta? This color. Honey, it's perfect.
Mom, can Louis come
to the beach with us? Yeah.
No, Louis needs to stay here
and do some work.
Just like your daddy.
That's correct.
I have to come back with all
the alcohol for the super-secret
Father's Day party that me
and your dad are going to have tonight.
- Louis! Shh! Oh, come on.
- You're not having a party.
I am not having a party,
I am working very hard. Did you pack your gun?
- BOTH: Yes.
- Did you pack the bomb?
- Yes.
- Have you packed the cannon?
- JAKE: Yes.
- Have you packed the chainsaw?
You didn't pack the chainsaw?
Go get the chainsaw, man!
The cement still hasn't dried, but it
should be fine by tomorrow night. Okay.
Still, it's extremely fragile
and I don't trust those movers
after the mess they made at the gallery.
Mmm-mmm. No, I will take care of it.
Don't worry. Okay.
Gracias, I will have it
all packed up for you. Okay.
It's almost dry though.
Yeah, so I will just text you when it's at
the gallery. Don't worry about anything.
I got it all under control.
You have a good weekend at the beach.
Enjoy yourself. I am out.
Gracias, Louis.
- Mr. Webber, I will see you tomorrow.
- Thank you.
I mean, "tonight"
for the super-secret party.
- Louis...
- See you, kids.
- Bye, Louis.
- Super-secret party?
- Super-secret party.
- Okay.
Is this the last one?
- You like it?
- I love it.
- Good.
- I think it should be bigger.
- (CHUCKLES) You think so?
- Yeah, then we can get the pool.
Okay, I will do it bigger next time.
I told Vivian tomorrow at 2:00.
I don't need her therapy
anymore, it's healing.
Tell that to your shoulder.
Dad, are you sure
you can't come to the beach with us?
I would love nothing more, sport.
But if Daddy doesn't work this weekend,
we will have to live in a box.
Do you guys want to live in a box?
- No. No. Not really.
- Me neither. Unless I designed it.
Okay, say goodbye to Daddy.
Bye, Daddy.
Say goodbye to Monkey.
BOTH: Bye, Monkey.
Daddy, don't forget to send all
your party pix on Instagram.
Okay.
Call me when you get there.
I will. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Bye, guys. Bye. Bye, Daddy.
JAKE: Get a haircut, Dad!
Well, Monkey...
Looks like it's just me and you, kid.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Hey, baby.
How's the house?
Hi! It's perfect.
Look. Kids, say hello to your dad.
- BOTH: Hi!
- Hello. All it needs is you.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Miss you.
Good night.
(TURNS MUSIC ON)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
(BARKS)
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Who's there?
GIRL: Just one second, sir, please.
- Hello?
- Could I use your phone, please?
Yes?
We're so sorry to bother you, sir, but could
you please tell us where the Gregorys live?
This is the third house we have tried.
Looks like everyone's gone for the long weekend.
The Gregorys?
No, I don't know anyone
around here by that name.
What's the address?
Um...
I don't.... I honestly don't know.
My phone got wet and she left hers at her house.
The taxi just dropped us here. We have been
walking around for, like, 20 minutes.
Yeah, my feet are, like, dying.
Well, I am sorry.
I am afraid I can't help you.
Bless you.
(GIGGLES)
Here.
Thank you.
Well, if you guys want
you can come in and use my phone.
Oh, thanks, but...
All our contacts are on our phones. I...
I don't even know my own number,
can you believe it?
Maybe Ashley's on Facebook chat?
Ah, genius.
Actually, would you mind
if we just used your computer for a sec?
We don't want to impose.
We will just get the address
and be out of your hair.
Yeah. Sure.
Come in.
Thank you.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
No, it's fine. Don't worry.
Oh, I don't mind.
We don't want to mess up your house.
Yeah. Excuse me.
Um, thank you so, so much.
I know this is so random. It's fine.
Hang on, I will get you
an iPad and some towels. Thanks.
GIRL: Nice house.
Thanks.
Girls?
BOTH: We're in here.
I am so sorry, it was warmer here.
Hope you don't mind.
We were freezing.
Here.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
This is beyond embarrassing.
Don't worry about it.
Make yourselves at home.
I am Bel, by the way.
- Evan. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Ashley's online.
Cool.
You're a life saver, Evan.
Not everyone would just let two total
strangers into their house these days.
Well, you don't look that dangerous.
Worst case scenario,
I know I can take the both of you.
I am not so sure.
I do air boxing.
- Air boxing? Yeah, like, you know?
- Oh, okay. Oh, my God, I am sorry.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes.
- What's the address?
- His name's Evan.
Evan?
458 Canter.
Wow. We're like, far.
It was Kantner, not Canter.
The cab must have misunderstood us.
I told you that he was
going the wrong way.
That guy barely spoke English.
I mean, his English was worse than mine.
This is so retarded.
Don't worry about it. I will call an Uber.
No. No, no, no. We can find a cab outside.
It's no problem. Not around here, you won't.
Trust me, it's the only reliable way.
You sure? I feel like such an idiot.
We don't want to ruin your night.
No really. It's fine.
It's looking for a driver.
And it will be here in....
...45 minutes.
That long?
The rain.
We're lucky we even got one.
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
What?
(GIGGLING)
Um, I know this is going to sound weird,
but could we maybe throw our clothes
in your dryer just for, like, 10 minutes?
We really don't want to go
to a party soaking wet.
BEL:
No.
Please?
Sure, sure.
Um....
We have some extra robes.
I will, uh, go get them.
- Thank you. Yay.
- This is literally saving our lives.
Yeah, we could get sick and die.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
You have your phone?
Uh yeah, why?
I can try and fix it.
- Really?
- Oh.
My kid dropped mine in the tub,
and you won't believe this, but if you
put it in rice it kind of dries it out.
- That would be awesome. Rice?
- Oh, my God, you're like a MythBuster.
Thank you so much, Evan.
You're welcome...
- Genesis. Genesis.
- Yeah, like the beginning of time.
In the beginning.
(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
Yup, that was... You're sick of that.
GENESIS:
Thanks.
I will, uh...
I will go get you some.
(KETTLE WHISTLING)
Hey, Evan?
Where should we put these?
Oh, I will take them.
No, we can do it. We don't mind.
I got it.
I made you some tea.
- Thank you. Thank you, that's nice.
- So sweet. I will trade you. Uh, okay.
Gracias.
Excuse me.
(DRYER SPINNING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING IN DISTANCE)
BEL: Oh, my God.
(MONKEY BARKING)
BEL: Oh, sorry.
We were trying to warm up.
Yeah, I mean, we have never seen one of
these before. A real one. It's okay.
Just be careful.
It's old.
I see you have met Monkey.
Yeah, this is Monkey.
It's time for Monkey to go to bed.
Bye, Monkey. Night-night, Monkey.
- Night-night.
- Sweet dreams. Bye, Monkey.
All right, Monkey.
Go home, Monkey.
You have so many records.
Sorry. We had to try one.
Stop apologizing, it's okay.
I love this album.
You have good taste.
This is like....
...an insane collection. Yeah.
It must be worth a fortune.
Well, everything's online now, so...
But, uh, I love the sound of vinyl.
You're really into music.
Well, it used to be my job.
What? Like a record salesman?
- (GIGGLING)
- I was a DJ.
Oh, my God. That's so cool!
You're like Major Lazer!
It was in my 20s. It's really a hobby now,
I haven't had a real gig in years.
Wait, how old are you?
- I am 43. No fucking way.
- I can't believe you're 43.
I thought you were, like, 28 or 30 at the most.
Well, I got married when I was 30.
Where's your wife?
She's at the beach with my kids.
We were going to spend Father's Day there,
but, uh, work happened.
Oh, my God, you are all alone on Father's Day.
Poor Evan, we will keep you company!
BOTH: Hugs!
No, it's fine. We celebrated this morning.
Whoa, you're not 43.
You must work out, like, every day.
Yeah, I keep in shape.
Not like when I was in my 20s, but, uh...
Come on, any guy that ripped
is more into his own ass than yours.
Yeah, I mean, like, seriously,
is that all you do?
Oh, my God, I remember
I fucked this model once,
and while we were having sex
I caught him doing crunches in the mirror.
- (CHUCKLES)
- It was the gayest thing ever.
I'd take somebody that's
older and more experienced
over an Abercrombie model any day.
GENESIS: Yeah.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Well, hopefully one day
you will find both.
I don't know.
Underwear models are the kind of guys
you fuck when you're 14. That's a statement.
This is your wife? Yup.
BEL: I want to see it.
Wow! She's so pretty.
She's beautiful. You're a lucky guy.
Yeah, I certainly am.
I am just an architect, but, uh,
she's the real deal.
Most of what you see is hers.
She made all these? Yeah.
GENESIS: Wow.
They're so pretty.
I love these colors.
Red's my favorite.
This is amazing.
I actually studied art history.
I am no expert, I was only
there for a semester, but....
....this...
This is like a Gaudi building, but small.
Yeah, my wife loves Gaudi.
She was, uh, she was born in Barcelona.
BEL: Like me?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
English, English.
You guys sound too sexy.
That's about the extent
of my Spanish anyway.
My kids speak it perfectly.
Your wife's an amazing artist.
Why are these sculptures here?
They should be in like, MOMA.
EVAN:
Actually, um.....
It's not exactly MOMA, but....
...she's having a big gallery show in LA.
Karen Alvarado.
That's such a pretty name.
An architect and an artist.
You guys are like the perfect couple.
And she's so hot.
You must have sex, like, all day.
Bel! What? I would.
That's Belly for you.
She sees a hot girl and chases after her.
Well, it's okay. I have no complaints.
Sorry, I was just being honest.
No, no. It's fine.
Um, but, uh.....
I must say I am not used to girls just
being so open about that.
About what?
Sex?
No, I mean... Yes.
Yeah. Yes.
It's just sex.
Right.
Now you seem old.
- Sorry.
- So sorry.
Twenty minutes away.
How long have you
and your wife been together?
I was 29 and she was 20.
EVAN:
It's been awhile.
So you haven't been with anyone else
in all those years?
Fourteen years, nope.
Wow.
How is that even possible?
Well, when you love someone...
GENESIS: Come on, Evan.
Humans are the only species
that practice monogamy.
I mean, we're animals.
We're more animals than animals.
It's in our DNA.
Like, being with one person
your whole life,
is going against your own nature.
BEL:
Look.
It's like this.
I understand men.
I know whenever I get married,
my husband is going to want to be
with other girls.
So, I want to get comfortable
with having threesomes now,
because I know that's the only way
he will never cheat on me.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Wow.
(EVAN LAUGHS)
So, are you guys... What do you guys do?
I mean, are you...
Are you in school or something? I mean...
Actually, we're flight attendants.
Really?
What would you like for your entree, sir?
We have chicken...
...and pasta.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Please buckle your seatbelt, sir.
We may be encountering some turbulence.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
EVAN: So...
Where you guys based out of?
(SIGHS) Everywhere.
Last weekend we were in
New Zealand for 24 hours.
It was awesome.
Wow, how was that jet lag?
We don't sleep.
GENESIS:
It's like being a fake rock star.
You know, you fly
around the world first class,
drinks are on the house
and they pay you for it.
I am jealous.
I once got offered a tour when I was a DJ.
Not like you guys, but, uh, Tri-State area.
Yeah, well, I think traveling is
the best way to get life experience.
Especially when you're
only there for 24 hours.
You really make the most of it.
GENESIS: Yeah, we make the most of it.
Unlike that fucking starfish we work with. Ugh.
BEL: (SOFTLY) Ugh, starfish.
Starfish? This girl we work with...
She doesn't have to do anything in bed,
she just lies there like a fucking starfish.
Hence, starfish.
I mean, who'd want to fuck that?
- (CHUCKLES)
- BEL: I don't understand girls like that.
When I am with a guy,
I want him to have the time of his life.
- No rules. None.
- Nothing's off limit, sexually.
Sex with boundaries isn't really sex.
If our bodies are capable of doing it,
then we were meant to. Right?
(THUNDER CRACKING)
Oh, Evan? Can I use your bathroom?
Of course.
It's, uh, down the hall on the right. Thanks.
I don't know any of these.
Well, I have pretty eclectic taste.
You have Spanish music.
Chilean, actually.
My wife loves her, Fran Valenzuela.
Can you put it on?
EVAN:
Sure.
She's really talented.
She started composing when she was 13.
This is her third album.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Wow!
How did you know that would mix?
DJ'ing is like mixing a drink.
First you find the right ingredients,
then you find the blend.
Evan, I have something to confess.
Yes?
I am glad we knocked on your door.
I am having a way better time here then
at that stupid party we were supposed to go to.
Well, I have to confess, it's not usually this
exciting around here at 1:30 in the morning.
It's like destiny
that we were meant to meet.
BEL:
Do you believe in destiny, Evan?
I am an architect.
So obviously I believe
that things happen by your own design.
Well, I do.
I don't think people just meet randomly.
I think that if we are here, together,
it's because...
...there's something we have to
learn from each other.
Discover.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
It's here.
BEL: I will go get Genesis.
EVAN: I will get your clothes.
EVAN:
What the fuck!
Guys!
Guys, the car's outside.
Guys, I have your clothes,
they're pretty much dry.
(GIGGLING)
- Guys!
- (GIGGLING)
All right, I am coming in,
I am not looking, so excuse me.
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
What the fuck are you doing?
- Come on, Evan. Join us.
- Yeah, join the party.
- Come here.
- The car's outside.
GENESIS:
The car can wait. Come on.
I am going to tell the driver
that you're coming out.
Get dressed. Now. Please.
Here's your clothes. Evan. Look at us.
Come on...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. Stop. Stop.
I can't do this. I am married.
Happily. Okay? Yes. You can.
Hey, it's our little secret. Whoa, stop. Stop.
It's just sex. We're all adults here.
I am flattered. But really, I can't.
Please, get dressed.
(GIGGLING) Yeah, you can.
Come on, just one day. Just relax and enjoy it.
You like this? Have you ever
had two girls do this to you before?
(MOANING)
- Happy Father's Day!
- Happy Father's Day!
(MOANING)
(PHONE VIBRATING)
(EVAN MUMBLING)
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
It's time for the Family Feud!
Introducing the Levy family!
Morning, Daddy. Evan! Evan! Watch this!
(BOTH SHRIEKING)
Belly! Belly!
Catch! Catch!
(ANNOUNCER ON TV CONTINUES)
- Sorry, Belly.
- (LAUGHING)
EVAN:
I thought you guys left.
GENESIS: We made you breakky.
EVAN: I am not hungry.
Monkey, that's mine.
And the star of Family Feud, Richard Dawson!
You two live together?
Yeah.
Where?
BEL:
Why, Evan?
EVAN:
So I can drive you there.
I haven't been home in like four years.
This could be our home.
I will drive you wherever you want.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Did I say something funny?
Mmm-hmm.
I want to go to Paris, Evan.
No, let's go to Tokyo.
- London.
- (LAUGHTER)
Rome. (GIGGLING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Don't let your breakky get cold.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey, baby.
KAREN: Hey, you're alive.
EVAN:
Yeah, ah, barely.
I forgot how strong Vanessa's weed was.
I just woke up. You are such a lightweight.
- How are the kids?
- Not so good. What happened?
BOTH: Evan!
Jake got stung by a jellyfish. He was crying.
- Oh, no!
- Yeah. Poor little guy.
- He's okay now.
- Where is he? He's back at the beach.
It was a little bit hairy for a while,
but now he's okay.
What about you? How's your project?
Great. Great. Great.
Uh, I am in a really good groove now,
so, home stretch.
Okay, then don't let me interrupt you.
Let's talk later.
You seem a little distracted. No.
That's not what I meant.
It's just...
I just want to finish so I don't have
to think about it, you know?
Maybe if I get done early,
I can, I can drive out there.
Baby, I get it. Don't stress.
Do what you have to do.
- I love you. Love you, too.
- Don't smoke all our weed.
- I won't.
- I promise.
EVAN: Bye.
KAREN: Ciao.
- Shit! Shit!
- Shit!
Are you hungry now?
Get up! And get dressed!
Right now! Excuse me, sir.
Can you tell me where Evan is?
You know, that sweet guy that
saved two girls from the rain?
He's gone.
Get the fuck up.
Let's go.
I don't appreciate your tone of voice. Go!
Come on, Belly. Looks like
Evan lost his sense of humor.
- Go!
- (LAUGHING)
Hello!
Let's go!
Where's Bel?
I don't know, she's not my friend.
Bel!
Bel!
Bel?
(BLOWS PARTY HORN)
- (LAUGHING)
- What the fuck are you doing?
You tell us to get dressed.
Come on. Playtime's over.
Evan, can you hold me?
Please, just once more.
- Please, I miss your hugs.
- Bel. Listen to me.
You're leaving. Now.
Get dressed.
- I love you.
- Bel...
- I love you.
- No!
BEL:
I love you so much.
God damn it! Fuck!
I love you.
I can't help it.
(MUMBLING)
I am crazy about you.
(PANTING)
(SCREAMING)
You have three minutes!
I will be outside!
Get dressed!
Let's go!
What in the fuck are you doing!
You have any idea what you have done?
Yeah. It's called art.
We were inspired from last night.
Remember?
I am calling the fucking police.
- Go ahead.
- (DIALING NUMBER)
What the fuck is so funny!
I just have a funny story for them.
It's called "To Catch a Predator."
What the fuck are you talking about?
Fifteen to 20 years?
I think it is 20.
Fifteen gets you 20, right?
- I don't believe it.
- You don't have to.
The jury will.
Statutory rape, Evan.
Twenty years behind bars.
And that's just for one of us.
And I am not planning on taking a shower.
BEL:
I have evidence.
Really? So how could you be a flight
attendant if you're only 15?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What the fuck!
What?
We saw that in a movie, Evan.
I told you he'd believe it.
Do you want to check my ID?
She doesn't have one, she's too young.
Okay.
What do you want?
We want to make breakky for you every morning.
Come on.
Just tell me. How much do you want?
Don't be mad, Evan.
That's not you.
- You're different from the others.
- Yeah.
EVAN:
How much!
What do you think we are, hookers?
Jesus, Evan, we're not fucking whores!
Yeah.
You're the fucking whore!
Whore!
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
- VIVIAN: Evan? It's Vivian!
EVAN: Do not move!
Evan!
Evan, I am so sorry I am late, but that
storm blew branches out all over town.
It even knocked two traffic lights out.
I swear, I swear I was sitting
there for 15 minutes
and I was trying to navigate, but there
was repair trucks. It's fine. It's fine.
Actually, I am feeling much better.
Oh, then that's really good
because then this will help.
I will give you a relaxation massage,
it will help circulate.
Actually... Karen should have told you,
I have a lot of work to do this weekend.
I love Karen.
I love her so much, how is she?
She is so talented.
I cannot wait to see her exhibition.
In fact, you know what?
Jim and I are going
to drive up for the opening
if I can get out of that conference I have
in Sonoma with those massage therapists.
You know how that can be.
He doesn't want your massage.
GENESIS:
Do you, baby?
Get back inside.
Don't let me get cold.
This is really upsetting, okay?
I am here to heal,
but this is really... This is upsetting!
It's upsetting! It's not what you think.
No, no. It's exactly what I think!
But you know what? It's your life.
- Vivian, please.
- I... don't. It's your relationship, Evan.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Look, I am a DJ like Evan!
Why didn't you let your girlfriend in?
Are you ashamed of us? Or are you fucking her, too?
- Get out of my house!
- Be careful,
these two cute little girls can put you behind bars
for the rest of your life! Get out of my house!
What would your client say?
Your neighbors?
What would your wife say if we told her
everything we did last night? Get out!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
It's going to be such a shame
to see your wife divorce you!
And your business ruined
over a single night of perversion!
You want to go door-to-door telling your
neighbors you're a child molester?
What would the other parents do? Let their
kids play here if you're a convicted pedophile?
There's Evan!
There's Evan!
I didn't think you had it in you.
(GROANING)
(PANTING)
911, what's your emergency?
I'd like to report a break-in.
You're calling from 458...
Can you give us a ride?
Let's go.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
GENESIS: Well, this isn't awkward at all.
Cool car, Evan.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
This one on the right.
Out.
You're not going to get out and say bye? Go.
Don't you want to come in
and meet my mom?
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
- Oh! Bye!
- Send our love to Karen and the kids!
Bye!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(GLASS BREAKING)
Hello?
EVAN:
Oh, my God!
(GENESIS HUMMING)
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
(EVAN STRUGGLING)
EVAN: Oh!
What the hell are you doing?
(STRUGGLING)
Genesis, please,
this is crazy, untie me!
(COUGHING)
What's the point of this?
I am a good person.
I made a mistake.
We can forget this ever happened.
- Please!
- Please!
Haven't you ever made a mistake?
- (GENESIS HUMMING)
- (EVAN GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
BEL: Daddy!
Oh, Daddy!
Look what I found.
Oh, my God!
You take that off.
That's my daughter's. You take that off!
You like how it fits me, Daddy?
- Look.
- Take those off, you fucking crazy bitch!
Okay.
You know, every girl's first love....
....is their daddy, huh?
You're sick.
You like what you see?
Huh? You like what you see?
Daddy?
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
- Huh?
- No. Bel.
Untie me.
Untie me, please.
If you really love me....
....untie me.
Ignore that asshole.
He's not an asshole.
He's my Daddy.
You don't listen to her, Daddy.
She doesn't love you the way I do.
I love you, Daddy.
I have loved you ever since
Mommy brought you home.
Remember that night when we were all
alone and you snuck into my room?
And I pretended to be asleep.
But when you took off my clothes,
I couldn't pretend any longer.
BEL:
We did things you and Mommy never did.
I hope you're not angry
at me anymore, Daddy.
I only did that to Mommy
because I wanted you all to myself.
Bel, Bel, untie me, please?
Please.
You can tuck me in like you always did.
What's wrong, Daddy?
Huh?
Don't you want to fuck
your little girl again?
Did you forget what you did
to me all those years?
Why did you do that to me?
- Why did you do that to me!
- Bel. Why?
Stop! Bel!
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
- Stop! Bel!
- (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
Bel, stop!
Why did you do that to me!
Why! Why did you do that to me!
Stop! Stop!
Bel! Stop, please! (SLAPPING)
EVAN: Stop it! Stop it!
(BEL CRYING)
Shh.
Untie me.
What the fuck is that?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
You're not hiding something, are you, Evan?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
What are you hiding here, huh?
Come on, where is it, Daddy?
It's Karen on FaceTime!
- I have been dying to meet her. Answer it.
- Let's get to know her. No! No!
You're right, this could get awkward.
What are you doing? Much better.
Don't!
Can a cock answer an iPhone?
Yes, Belly, but it's got to be hard. Okay.
No! Please!
- It could be my kids!
- Hi Evan, welcome back.
So? Have they ever seen
a cheating dick before?
How about covered in her lipstick?
Okay! Okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay. Please.
EVAN: Bel, I will do whatever you want.
BEL: Yes! Yes!
Okay. Okay. Now, fuck me, Daddy!
Fuck me! Attaboy, Evan.
Fuck her.
Fuck her like it was last night.
- (GROANING)
- Yeah, fuck her good!
(MOANING)
Fuck me, Daddy!
Fuck me like you fuck
your little daughter!
(GRUNTING AND MOANING)
Doggy style, Belly!
(BARKING)
You want something to eat, Bel?
No, I am okay.
Okay.
(BEL CRYING OUT)
(BARKING)
Fuck me, Daddy!
Fuck me like you fuck Mommy!
(BEL GROANING)
- (MOANING)
- Yeah, Daddy's little girl!
(MOANING AND GRUNTING)
You're a good little girl!
(GRUNTING)
- Fuck me, Daddy!
- Yeah! Fuck me like you fuck Mommy!
(GROANING)
Ow....
(SQUEALING)
(SHOUTING)
(GROANING)
Arghh!
My scar! My scar! My scar!
My surgery!
You have been a very bad boy, Evan!
Please, please, please take it out!
Take it out!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my...
...God!
Why did you hit me, Daddy?
Now we have to punish you.
(GRUNTS)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to America's favorite game show,
"Who Wants to be a Pedophile!"
Where we give the audience what they want!
The chance to punish a pedophile.
But first, let's welcome our lovely,
beautiful and charming,
GENESIS:
Ms. Bel.....
(TV AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Hello, Ms. Bel.
For tonight's contestant,
we have a very special one,
he's not only an architect but also a DJ,
a husband, a father of two, possibly three.
Four.
All the way from one percent land,
Mr. Evan Webber!
(APPLAUSE)
Ms. Bel, would you please
get our contestant ready? Sure.
You're both crazy fucking bitches!
You look 21, you lied to me!
Oh, like you lied to your wife?
What I tell my wife is none of your goddamn...
(MUSIC SCREECHING)
(CRYING OUT)
God! God!
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! My ears! My ears!
I will go deaf! I will go deaf!
This is fucking serious!
I could go deaf!
The game hasn't started yet.
Our first category...
Schoolyards.
How far away from school
will Evan have to pick up his kids?
100 yards?
500 yards?
Or two miles?
EVAN:
This is fucking sick!
(VOLUME TURNED UP)
Arghh!
(GRUNTING)
Wrong answer. Correct answer is
you can't pick up your kids from prison.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Please! What's our next category, Ms. Bel?
I love this one.
BEL:
Daddies.
GENESIS:
Evan, this should be easy for you.
How many family men
have survived this game?
EVAN:
None.
GENESIS:
What was that?
None. Correct!
(TV AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
- Next question.
- Genesis. You have proved your point.
(EVAN SCREAMING)
- God! I can't hear!
- I can't hear!
EVAN:
Please, stop!
All you have to do is
answer the question, Evan.
EVAN:
Okay. Okay.
Well, ask it, for fuck's sake!
What's the proper punishment
for a pedophile?
Is it prison where you get raped every day
and you never get to see your family again?
GENESIS:
Castration?
Or death?
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Tick-tick-tock.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Tick-tock. Ten seconds.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Well, looks like it's time for
our first commercial break.
We will be back after a message
from our sponsors. Hello. It's me, Louis!
LOUIS:
Mr. Webber?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Who's Louis?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Fucking douche bag.
Get that sheet, cover him up.
(MUFFLED YELLING)
(COUGHING)
Shh!
You must be Louis. Yes.
I am Bernadette. I am Uncle Evan's niece.
Oh, hi, nice to meet you.
Obviously, you're with Uncle Evan.
Sorry, we're shooting a music video.
Well, you guys picked an awesome location.
Come on in.
- So where'd you come in from? Dallas.
- Oh? I used to live in Austin.
Oh, I have never been.
Well, it's fun when you're in college.
Yeah, I went to Parsons.
Oh, great school. I went to SVA.
Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
- I am Louis. Hi.
- I am... She's Macarena.
- She's my friend from Spain.
- Oh. (SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
- He's here to pick up...
- The art work outside. Yes. Excuse me.
Somebody touch this? We didn't touch it.
It's Aunt Karen's stuff, we wouldn't go near it.
I did see Evan in here earlier,
maybe he did.
Okay, because it's not supposed
to be like this.
It's supposed to be bubble-wrapped
and packed up and ready to go.
- Why would Evan do this?
- She said it wasn't us.
LOUIS:
Okay.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck did you all do?
What the fuck is this shit!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
We didn't want to tell you, someone
broke in and that's why Evan's out.
- He was chasing them.
- Yeah. Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up, both of you right now!
Nobody fucking move!
I am calling the cops right now.
Please don't tell Karen.
This could be our little secret.
Bitch, you're barking up
the wrong fucking tree.
I am from Oakland, ho!
I know two ghetto ass hos when I see them!
Come to think of it,
Evan doesn't even have any fucking nieces.
(YELLING) Who the fuck are you?
You better hope the police
get here before Karen does.
(BANGING)
- What the fuck was that?
- Nothing.
- Hey, wait. Wait.
- It's nothing. Get out of my way!
- Shit.
- (MUFFLED GRUNTS)
(MUFFLED COUGHING)
Shit!
Mr. Webber!
Are you okay? Oh, fuck!
They're crazy! Close the door. Close the door.
Louis! Louis! Louis, no!
I got to stop these crazy ass bitches.
Louis, forget it! They're dangerous! (SCREAMING)
LOUIS:
No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop it!
What are you doing!
(GASPING)
(GASPING FOR BREATH)
(LAUGHING)
Looking for this?
EVAN:
Louis! Be careful!
They're crazy!
BEL: Monkey in the middle!
Monkey in the middle!
GENESIS:
We can't say that, Belly, it's racist.
BEL:
Okay, man in the middle!
Give it to him!
No, Genesis, give him that!
(GASPS AND THUDS)
Louis!
Louis!
Genesis! Please, this isn't his fault!
Please call an ambulance, help him!
Fucker!
Bel, please help him!
Call an ambulance,
I promise I won't say anything!
Bel, Genesis!
Call an ambulance, for fuck's sake!
I think it's a little late for an ambulance, Evan.
He tripped, it's his fault.
We were just playing monkey in the middle.
I mean, man in the middle.
Oh, my God!
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
You killed him!
You killed him!
Your wife killed him
with her shitty sculpture.
This shit's dangerous, Evan.
How can you keep this here with kids?
That's irresponsible parenting.
Yeah maybe your wife should stick to painting.
Get the fuck away from me!
Where do you think you're going, Evan?
Get the fuck off me! Leave me alone!
Want to go for a little ride?
You can't run away from us, Daddy.
You can't escape.
(GIGGLING)
Ahhh!
This is what happens when
you break the rules of the game, Evan.
This is just like art class.
GENESIS: What I did to Karen's statue
is nothing compared
to what I am going to do to you
if I ever see your
fucking lying face again.
I trusted you both,
how could you fuck my wife?
Never come near my family again.
Disappear or you're fucking dead.
(BEEPS)
(GROANS)
Which way is MOMA?
(CHUCKLING) It's more like "momma."
Ronnie is going to have
a field day with this one.
Yeah, I am sure he will.
GENESIS: That guy's a magician.
Yeah.
GENESIS: He can make anything disappear.
Let's finish this.
(CHAIR KNOCKING)
Wow, those were some
really long commercials.
Thanks to our sponsor Louis
for that little lovely break.
Now! Back to our million dollar question.
What is the proper punishment for a pedophile?
Please.
I love my children.
I love my wife.
I am a good father.
How can you judge anyone?
You're murderers.
Is that your final answer?
Because you're going to go deaf
in about 10 seconds from now.
Please, Genesis!
I am a good father!
Until yesterday.
That doesn't change how much I love them!
(COUGHS)
Do you really love them, Evan?
GENESIS:
Really?
More than anything in the world.
So why didn't you think of them when
you were inside us? Yeah, why, Evan?
Last night had nothing to do with my family.
Damn right it didn't, Evan!
It had nothing to do with them.
Your family are victims.
Victims of your sleazy,
disgusting, perverted behavior.
GENESIS:
Jake. Lisa.
They don't deserve a father like you.
This is what you did to your family.
BEL:
You pervert.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Genesis, please, this isn't the answer!
(IMITATES BUZZER) Wrong answer.
Correct answer is death.
We will be back
after this commercial break.
Death?
Death?
You're going to kill me?
You're going to fucking kill me!
Why? Why! Because I fucked you?
You fucked me! You fucked me!
You came to my house!
You came to me!
I got you a car, I brought you your clothes,
you took a fucking bubble bath!
You wanted it! You wanted it!
You came on to me!
What was I supposed to do?
You sucked my cock, you both
fucking sucked my cock!
It was free pizza! Free fucking pizza!
It just shows up at my fucking door!
What am I supposed to do?
"We're flight attendants.
Come on, fuck us!
No one will know. Come on, fuck us!"
Oh, twosomes, threesomes.
It doesn't matter!
Starfish! Husbands!
You don't give a fuck,
you will just fuck anything,
you will just fuck anything!
Well, you lied to me,
I tried to help you!
I let you in, I was a good guy,
I am a good father!
And you just fucking fucked me!
What? Now, you're going to kill me!
You're going to kill me? Why?
Why? Because you fucked me?
What the fuck-fuck-fuck, this is fucking insane!
You're to be executed at dawn.
If I were you,
I wouldn't waste my last
few hours crying about it.
BEL: I am sorry, Daddy.
It is the only way.
Bel?
EVAN:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
(BEL GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)
(GRUNTS)
EVAN:
FaceTime. Karen!
EVAN:
FaceTime. Karen!
Digging a grave is fucking tiring.
- BEL: And filthy.
- (PHONE RINGING)
Your wife's clothes are going
to need dry cleaning. What's that?
(RINGING CONTINUES)
You can't have access to an iPad, Evan.
You could be trying to reach a child.
(BEL GIGGLES)
Let's face it, Evan. You're a monster.
Or should I say (MOCKING) monster!
(GROWLING)
EVAN:
What?
Monster surprised?
How do you know about that?
Oh, monster confused!
How the fuck do you know that!
Monster will be quiet!
You spied on me?
On my kids?
Oh, my fucking God!
Oh, my fucking God! Jesus!
I am so fucking stupid! Yeah, you are.
(BEL SNICKERING) Monster retarded.
(MOCKING INDISTINCTLY)
GENESIS: Let's change, I feel gross.
Look at all this shit.
(GROANING)
GENESIS: This is you, Evan.
This is going to be your little fucking head,
you fucking cheater!
(GROANING)
BEL: I love this color!
Red's my favorite!
(GIRLS GRUNTING)
(SQUEALING)
(SNICKERING)
GENESIS: Time for a haircut, Evan.
EVAN: No. No.
Got to be pretty for your funeral. No. He's so hairy.
No. You don't want to lose an ear. No. Hold still.
GENESIS: There we go. You look pretty.
There's Evan cutie!
BEL:
There you have it.
GENESIS: Oh, now we see your pretty face.
EVAN: Fucking bitches!
(MOCKING) "I love the sound of vinyl."
"I am Evan."
BEL:
Watch this, Evan.
(MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
(CHEERING)
(GASPS)
GENESIS: Jackpot!
(GASPS)
Is that real?
What a clever way to hide
this from the kids, Evan!
You know, most firearm deaths
are a family member of the gun owner.
BEL: I don't own a gun.
It's dangerous.
GENESIS:
Untie him.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Genesis, please don't point that at me.
I know, it's cheating.
We still have 90 minutes.
But you were keeping secrets
from us, Evan.
Had you gotten to this before us, I don't
think we'd be having this conversation.
And you wouldn't do the same?
I am not like you, Evan.
I don't own a gun, I don't shoot people.
I sure as hell don't bend the rules
for my own convenience.
Untie him, Belly.
(WINCES)
I don't want him to kick me.
GENESIS: He won't.
He kicks, I shoot.
He knows that.
Don't you, Evan?
What do you want?
I want to play hide and seek.
EVAN:
What?
(SIGHS)
Thirty seconds. Only inside the house.
You leave the house, I shoot.
What're you going to do when you find me?
Well, if we don't find you by sunrise,
we will leave.
- Bullshit.
- Thirty seconds. Go! Go!
- BOTH: Go!
- GENESIS: Go!
BOTH: Thirty, twenty-nine.
Twenty-eight, twenty-seven....
twenty-six, twenty-five,
twenty-four, twenty-three, twenty-two...
GENESIS: Go!
Ready or not? Here we come!
(BOTH GIGGLING)
GENESIS:
Evan, you can't hide from us.
Here we come.
Evan?
We can smell you, Evan.
Daddy?
Psst! In here.
- Evan?
- Oh, Evan?
Are you here, monster?
Evan?
Evan?
Shit!
Evan!
GENESIS: Yeah, there he goes! Stop!
Evan! Stop!
Oh, fuck!
Don't fucking move!
Help me! Help me!
Scream all you fucking want! Help me!
No one's fucking home!
We tried every house!
(ALARM RINGING)
(EVAN GROANING)
GENESIS: Are you ready!
EVAN: Please don't do this!
GENESIS: Time to say goodbye!
EVAN: Please! Please! Help! Please! Help me!
Please, somebody help me!
Help! Please somebody....
Please, let me go!
Help! Please help me! Somebody help me!
No! Help me!
No! No! No! No! No! No, help! Help!
EVAN: Help!
BOTH: One, two, three!
GENESIS: Whoopsie-daisy!
(GRUNTS)
BEL: So Evan, did we hurt your shoulder?
GENESIS: We want you to be comfy, Evan.
(GRUNTING AND GROANING)
EVAN:
Help! Help!
EVAN:
Help! Help!
Help! Don't move, Evan.
You might get dirt in your eyes.
BEL: Yeah, close your eyes, baby.
EVAN: Help! Help! Help!
EVAN:
Help! Help! Help!
EVAN:
Help! Help! Help!
Please. Please.
Please. Please, don't do this.
Please! Bel. Please. Please.
It looks like he's trying to communicate. Please.
If you promise to behave,
I will take out the gag.
EVAN:
Okay.
Don't do this.
Please?
I will do whatever you want.
I will do whatever you want. Whatever!
Even calling your family and telling
them everything you did to us? Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I will tell them.
I will tell them.
GENESIS:
Okay, let's give him a lifeline.
BEL: I love the lifeline part. Let's see.
GENESIS: But the lifeline is a phone call.
Not FaceTime.
Your wife's not going to see you like this.
(ON VOICEMAIL) Hi, this is Karen Alvarado,
please leave a message or send a text. Ciao.
(BEEPS)
Go ahead, talk.
Honey. I am sorry for
what I am going to tell you.
EVAN:
They made me.
EVAN:
Fuck!
Call 911!
Call 911! I have been kidnapped by two girls!
Evan, Evan. Evan! Call 911!
No, no, no, Evan! Call 911! You broke the rule.
Evan, why did you do that?
Well, now she will fucking find you!
Not really.
I hung up as soon as it hit voice mail.
I knew you'd pussy out.
EVAN:
You fucking whores!
EVAN:
You fucking whores!
I will fucking kill you,
you fucking-fuck bitch cunt!
I will fucking kill you!
You fucking bitches!
Oh, there's Evan. There he is!
We missed you. Fucking whores!
(GROWLING)
GENESIS:
Knock-knock!
I said knock-knock. No!
I don't think he can talk.
Okay. Knock-knock.
- Who's there? Cheating Evan.
- Cheating Evan who?
Cheating "Evan-tually" gets you killed.
No! No!
- Ready, Evan?
- No! No!
- One!
- No!
- Two. Do it!
- No! No! Three!
(LAUGHING)
Look at his face.
(EVAN SOBBING)
We got you good.
You didn't really think we
were going to kill you, did you?
We're not animals.
It was just a game, Evan.
A game? A game? You know what?
For a moment, I thought
you were the one who'd say no.
And now we have to play
a game with someone else.
You know what's funny?
They never say no.
No matter who they are.
No matter how much
they love their families.
You're all the same.
GENESIS:
Bye, Evan.
BEL: You were my favorite.
GENESIS: Oh!
Wish me happy birthday. I turn 22 next week. Yeah.
BEL: I freaked out when I turned 18.
But you made me feel 15 again. Thanks, Evan.
(GIGGLING) Let's get out of here.
Oh, I almost forgot. Yes, your phone.
You know you really should be
more careful with Facebook.
If you don't log out someone
could do terrible things with it.
Post something really personal
for all your friends to see.
Look closely. So you will remember us.
GENESIS: (RECORDED) Yes, Evan, fuck her!
BEL: Fuck me, Daddy!
EVAN: Okay.
GENESIS: Attaboy, Evan. Fuck her!
BEL: Fuck me! Fuck me!
I am sure you will get a lot of likes though.
GENESIS: Doggy style, Belly!
Enjoy!
(BEL HOWLING)
BEL: Oh!
Bye, Evan! Muah! We will miss you!
EVAN:
Oh...
EVAN:
No...
(MOANING AND CRYING OUT FROM PHONE)
Oh, no!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANING)
BEL: Fuck me, Daddy!
EVAN: God, God!
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
KAREN: Take your bags to your rooms.
Then go use the bathroom.
And then we're going to
go see Monkey, okay?
Are you guys tired? Yeah!
LISA: Monkey?
"Monkey?"
JAKE:
Daddy had a party.
Category:Transcripts