Osmosis Jones/Transcript

==Transcript==
Shane: Dad, you have the coolest job.
Frank: Well, sometimes I think I should be hanging out with a better class of animals. Oh, come on! Hey, have some class, will ya? We got mixed company down here.
Shane: You know, Dad, genetically speaking, monkeys are our first cousins.
Frank: You mean... Uncle Bob's kids? Yeah. I supposed I'd agree with that.
Shane: No, I'm serious. Actually, some scientists say that monkey diets are much more evolved than our own.
Frank: Oh, this is all about diets again, huh?
Shane: I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt you to eat more fruits and vegetables. Like monkeys do.
Frank: Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow. Your mother, god bless her soul, didn't believe the old-fashioned ideas about nursing, breast-feeding and all that. Uh-uh. You were fed cheeseburgers as a baby. Now look at you. You're as big as a house. You're as strong as a bull. You smell like a cow. Your cholesterol's probably a little high, but, you know, they have medicine for that now. You can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out. You're doing great, honey. All right. I'll start workin' out tomorrow. Start taking better care of myself, Okay?
Shane: So does that mean you'll go on the school hike with me?
Frank: First things first. Eat your lunch. We'll talk about later. Hey-- gimme that egg, pal. Gimme the egg, friendly. Come on!
Shane: Dad! Dad, stop it! What are you doing?
Frank: Hey, that's my egg! Gimme that-- Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!
Shane: It's just an egg, Dad!
Frank: Okay. Now I gotta choke ya. Aha! Ha! Now who's evolved? What's the matter, buddy? All that salad slow you down? Huh?
Shane: Dad! That's filthy!
Frank: Honey, 10-second rule: Hits the ground, you pick it up within 10 seconds, you can eat it.
Shane: Ugh!
Dispatcher, over radio: Saliva one, what have you got?
Pilot: An egg 2-20. E-Gamma-Gamma. Over.
Dispatcher, over radio: Any mayo?
Pilot: Affirmative.
Dispatcher, over radio: Slow bowel traffic.... Enzyme breakdown in ten.
Pilot: You know, when I was a rookie cell, you could eat off this place. Look at it now. Jeez! What a disgrace. See anything, kid?
Osmosis Jones: Mmm. I do. Nice genes! You got chromosomes in all the right places!
Pilot: Jones...
Osmosis Jones: What? Ain't nothing a toothbrush can't handle this.
Pilot: I wish you'd take this job a bit more seriously.
Osmosis Jones: Yo! You see this badge? You see this gun? You see this gooey, white, sackus, membranous around my personhood?
Pilot: Here we go again.
Osmosis Jones: Well, you dealin' with a white blood cell here! I should be out in the veins fightin' disease, not in the mouth on tartar control!
Pilot: You're lucky you ain't in a scab. Uh-Oh. We got germs on that egg.
Osmosis Jones: Baby! It's Ozzy time!
Pilot: It's probably gingivitis. Don't get carried away. Halt. You have entered the city of Frank. Put your hands up and surrender for digestion. Saliva one requesting ground support. Over.
Bicuspid four. We're in the vicinity. We're on it.
Pilot: This is a private organism. There is no use in running.
Osmosis Jones: Up spit creek without a paddle. Don't get me mad, 'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.
Halt. Saliva Patrol.
Pilot: Son of a botulism! They swiped the patrol car!
Get outta here!
Osmosis Jones: Oh! Uh-oh, you done done it now!
Pilot: Holy Frank! He's about to yawn! We're getting sucked in! I told city hall we need more sleep! Hold tight, kid.
Osmosis Jones: Osmosis Jones to dispatch. We got multiple germs-- I repeat-- multiple germs coming down the windpipe, and if these bad boys hit the blood stream, we're gonna be illin'! I'm talkin' nose-drippin', chicken soup drinkin', rectal thermometer stickin' illin'! Request permission to pursue?
Chief, listen to this.
So, you got plans for the weekend, kid?
Oh, yeah. Me and my girlfriend are goin' down to the Kidneys to see the Stones.
Good for you. They could pass any day now.
Dispatcher: All units down to the stomach. Be on the lookout for illegal organisms.
Chief: Jones! You wanna keep your job? Stay where you are and wait for backup.
Osmosis Jones: But I can get 'em.
Chief: I said stay put. Over.
Pilot: You heard the chief. We're out of our jurisdiction. It's immunity's problem now. We'd better get back up to the mouth. What the-- Hey, Jones!
Osmosis Jones: Chief, you're gonna thank me for this later.
Pilot: Don't even think about it, pal. Aren't you in enough trouble already? Jones!
Osmosis Jones: Slow down! Slow down!
Wait, wait, what the--?
Shouldn't you be up in the mouth?
Osmosis Jones: This is my bust. I saw him first.
Osmosis Jones: You want Osmosis? You got Osmosis.
Bye-bye, cop!
Osmosis Jones: Sorry, baby, but it's time you take your medicine! Dang! Always pulls to the right!
Shane: Dad, what's wrong? Oh, my God.
Frank: It's a cramp!
Osmosis Jones: Officer down!
Frank: These stairs are killing me, honey. We may have to move.
Shane: But, Dad, there's only four steps.
Frank: All right, if you love it here, I'll build a ramp.
Sewage worker #1: I cant believe it. It's been three hours since lunch, and we're still cleaning up this egg. Oh, man, would you look at all that gunk?
Sewage worker #2: Ha ha ha.
Sewage worker #1: Seriously... what does this guy do, roll his food around on the ground before he eats it? We need to send a letter to the mayor about washing our hands before we eat.
Sewage worker #2: Yeah, like he's gonna listen to us.
Sewage worker #1: Hey, cells vote, man. Cells vote.
Sewage worker #2: Ha, ha. Got you, you little....
Sewage worker #1: Aah!
Sewage worker #2: Artie? W-what's goin' on over there? Artie! Artie? Huh? Holy spit!
Thrax: Careful, I'm contagious. Ow...
Sewage worker #2: Oh-- oh-- aah!
Thrax: Think I'll turn up the heat in here.
Connecting, please hold.
One moment.
I'm connecting.
Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor, do you have a plan to deal with the fat-cell housing shortage?
Mayor Phlegmming: I'd like to announce we're beginning construction on a-- ha ha-- third chin.
Mr. Mayor, we're having jock itch!
Any comments on today's cramp?
What do you have to say to all the hair cells recently laid off from the scalp?
Mayor Phlegmming: There'll be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back.
What do you think of Frank's daughter's request for better nutrition?
85% of red blood cell children don't even know how to carry oxygen.
Mayor Phlegmming: People, people, you worry too much! The body is in perfect shape. Ha ha ha ha. And no more questions. Thank you. Do they know how hard I work? No. No. Nobody cares.
Leah Estrogen: Mr. Mayor, I--
Mayor Phlegmming: Not now, Leah, I've got a body to run.
Leah Estrogen: I've got Tom Colonic's new campaign ad.
Mayor Phlegmming: Oh? Let's go. Put it on.
Announcer: This is a paid announcement.
Tom Colonic: The bowels. Didn't always smell this way. No. There was a time when eating right and exercise kept this whole area a vital center of activity. But during Mayor Phlegmming's term, we've seen rot and stagnation paralyzed this neighborhood as well as the colon and the sphincter. Well, I think it's time we get things moving again. I'm Tom Colonic. As mayor, I would set long-term goals that include ordering salads and eating bran. Mayor Phlegmming may think that things are fine just the way they are.
Mayor Phlegmming: Blah, blah, blah.
Tom Colonic: But I think that if we pull together and put in a little hard work, a new Frank could be right around the corner.
Billy: Oh, uh, Mr. Colonic, What's that smell?
Tom Colonic: Ha, ha. Why, that's the smell of change, Billy. That's the smell of change.
Announcer: Paid for by Colonic for Mayor.
Mayor Phlegmming: Can you believe those lies?
Leah Estrogen: Sir, he's got a point. When I came to work for you, you promised you would concentrate more on health issues.
Mayor Phlegmming: Leah, I want Frank to be healthy, but think of the sacrifices, the hard work, the lack of potato chips! That's not what the voters want.
Leah Estrogen: Then why are you behind in the polls?
Mayor Phlegmming: Don't you worry about the polls. I have a plan that's gonna flush Colonic down the toilet.
Frank: Honey! Shaaane!
Shane: Coming. You okay? Where does it hurt?
Frank: Leg.
Shane: Is it here?
Frank: A leg.
Shane: Here?
Frank: Leeeeeeeg!
Shane: Oh! Oh, oh. Oh, here. Here.
Frank: I just needed some sodium. I think that's what made me cramp up. Heads up! Chicken going down rough! Chicken going down rough!
Mayor Phlegmming: Oh, now what?
Leah Estrogen: Sir, turn on the optical feed.
Shane: Let me take a look, Dad. Open wide. Open wide. Could you swallow first, please? Definitely red.
Frank: Are you ordering out?
Shane: No. I'm making you an appointment to see the doctor.
Mayor Phlegmming: Sick? We're not getting sick! We have far too much planned! Ooh!
Leah Estrogen: Sir, you can't go into override without a vote from city council.
Mayor Phlegmming: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes, my dear. Voice manual control on.
Leah Estrogen: Hey, that's only for emergencies.
Mayor Phlegmming: Leah, this is an emergency. On second thought...
Frank: On second thought...
Mayor Phlegmming: ...Perhaps I'll take a cold pill.
Frank: ...Perhaps I'll take a cold pill.
Leah Estrogen: Uh, sir...
Mayor Phlegmming: Thank you, Leah. Now get me the chief on the phone. There's a good girl.
Frank: "Drixenol."
Next.
I caught this one with six micrograms of stolen adrenaline.
It's not mine. I swear I was holding it for my cousin.
Oh, yeah. I never heard that one before. Take him to lockdown. Next!
Hey, hey, hey. It's "the Germinator"!
Osmosis Jones: Okay, guys, you got me there. Let's save a little for the criminals, all right?
Jones, when was the last time you caught anything?
Osmosis Jones: Hey, hey. You shoulda seen this thing. This ain't no ordinary household germ. This thing's bigger than all of us. This thing ain't even from Frank's body. It's like a Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ.
You talkin' about this?
Osmosis Jones: Yeah, uh, you know, he's slouching right now.
Chief: Jones! In my office!
Osmosis Jones: Chiefy-weefy, what's up?
Chief: Don't "chiefy-weefy" me! Have you seen the headlines? The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp since Shane made us try that Tae-Bo workout!
Osmosis Jones: Hold on a second---
Chief: I told you to stay put. I told you to wait for backup! But once again, you had to do it your own way!
Osmosis Jones: Man, I was right there! I coulda done it--
Chief: Right! 78 trillion cells in the body, all working together, you're the only one who thinks he can do it alone! You ever think that might be your problem, Jones? What?! Oh, hello, Mr. Mayor. The missus? Oh, she's great. Yes. Uh- you're kidding, sir. I'll put a man right on it, sir. Yes, sir. Stupid political decisions! Now where was I?
Osmosis Jones: You were just starting to say how you were giving me a promotion to Head of Brain Security, I believe. Yep.
Chief: You know what, Jones? You're right. Maybe it is time I give you a case.
Osmosis Jones: Talkin' about what, now?
Chief: We have a situation in the throat, and I'm putting you on it.
Osmosis Jones: Thank you, chief! Thank you, chief! You won't regret this. You're a good man! You're a fine man. You're an upstanding man.
Chief: Yeah. Whatever you say.
Osmosis Jones: You know, it was on the fence for a while. People like, "Good man, bad man, good man, bad man". But now it's official: You a good man!
Chief: You done? Now our pill is getting swallowed as we speak. So I suggest you get your nucleus down to the stomach, pronto!
Osmosis Jones: Pill? What pill?
Chief: You didn't think I was gonna trust you to take care of a sore throat by yourself, did you? Now, get outta here. Or I swear to Frank, you'll be on butt-hair patrol for the next three years!
Osmosis Jones: Rinky-dink, stink, pinky pill!
The white zone is for ingestion and digestion only. No parking.
Peanut boarding for intestine and liver with direct service to the colon. Now boarding.
Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna....
All right.
All fat cells proceed to love handles.
Leah Estrogen: Oh, yes, Mr. Mayor. No, sir, it hasn't arrived yet.
Osmosis Jones: What the-- Mmm! Look out, now!
Leah Estrogen: Did you get a chance to look at my notes on your speech? The in-box. Yes. It says "in" right on it, sir. I'll check back later. All right, goodbye.
Osmosis Jones: Well, well, well! What do we have here? Somebody been workin' out! Leah, you lookin' fine, girl. Mighty fine.
Leah Estrogen: Oh, Jones. Did they have to assign you to this?
Osmosis Jones: Spit. Wasn't my idea, but now I'm starting to like it. Baby, when are you and me gonna hook up? I know this little spot right behind the eye. Has a perfect view. Perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm sayin'? Do you know what I'm saying? 'Cause I been saying it a long time.
Leah Estrogen: Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
Osmosis Jones: What you talkin' about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me!
Leah Estrogen: Oh, really? 'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Osmosis Jones: Whoo! Who cut off the heat? Somebody pay the bill! It's cold in here!
Now arriving with some milk, a cold pill with a pleasant fruity flavor.
Leah Estrogen: Wow, this is huge!
Osmosis Jones: Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that's just sugar, you know.
Leah Estrogen: Yeah? And 99% of you is just stupid.
Osmosis Jones: Ooh, like I haven't heard that one before. What is that cherry stank?
Drix: Special agent Drixobenzometaphedramine.
Drix: Drixenol, the brand that eases your coughs and sneezes. Warning: Do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
Osmosis Jones: Wow. I'm feelin' better already.
Drix: You can call me "Drix".
Leah Estrogen: Welcome to the city of Frank.
Drix: I'd like to examine your irritated areas.
Osmosis Jones: Whoo! Never on the first date, Drips.
Drix: Drix.
Osmosis Jones: That's what I said.
Drix: No, I think you said "Drips" with a "p."
Osmosis Jones: Whatever.
Leah Estrogen: Jones... this ain't working out. I'm gonna call the chief and ask him to assign someone else.
Osmosis Jones: Wait. Hold up now. I need this job, Leah. Come on, just give me a shot.
Leah Estrogen: All right. But no screw-ups. You dig?
Osmosis Jones: Baby, I promise everything's gonna be fine. Not as fine as you, but fine. Man, what you been eating?
Drix: That's my effervescent propulsion.
Osmosis Jones: All right. But we're driving with the windows open. I don't want none of those fruity bubbles stinkin' up my ride. You got that?
Drix: Hmm...
Osmosis Jones: Hey, yo, yo! Aw, man! Look what you're doin' to my baby. Hey, hey! Don't touch my radio! Where you from, tough stuff?
Drix: I was developed at the University of Chicago where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
Osmosis Jones: Great. Got me a college boy.
Drix: I received my FDA certification in cold and flu studies as well as a master's in Multi-Symptom Relief. Where did you study?
Osmosis Jones: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive tract, you don't got no money for no fancy schools.
Drix: Oh...
Osmosis Jones: I'm not kidding, man. My high school was crack central.
Drix: Oh?
Osmosis Jones: No, it was in the crack! Right in the stanky puckered center! We were so poor, we lived on peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches. You ever try to blow dry your hair with a fart?
Drix: Okay, I get it. You were poor.
Osmosis Jones: You bet I was. You ever try to make a snowman out of toilet paper cling-ons? Now, that's poor!
Drix: Okay, please. You're going to make me vomit.
Osmosis Jones: Vomit? We couldn't afford no vomit. That's for rich folks.
Drix: Excuse me while I wipe my eyes.
Osmosis Jones: Aw, you wanna talk about wipin'?
Drix: No.
Osmosis Jones: Okay, you're all new, so follow my lead, right? Now-- Yo. Yo! Wait up! Didn't they teach you no manners in that Ivy League petri dish?
Doug: Murphy, it's flaring up again! Give me a status on the pain relief.
Murphy, over radio: Well, we have a report of a foreign substance in upper respiratory system.
Drix: Hmm. Inflammation and glandular swelling. We meet again.
Osmosis Jones: Dougy-Doug, the firebug! My boy is hot!
Doug: Osmosis Jones. Like I don't have enough problems? You can start redirecting traffic over there.
Osmosis Jones: What you talkin' about? Hey, I'm in charge of this sore throat, baby.
Doug: You're kidding me.
Osmosis Jones: No. Straight up. Now what we got?
Doug: It's just a routine sore throat. Looks like a saliva boat went haywire and crashed.
Osmosis Jones: Saliva boat? That's pretty unusual.
Knock down that hot spot. Get that ladder team over here!
Drix: Step away. The tamperproof seal is there for your protection.
Osmosis Jones: Not my suedes! What the dilly?
Spanish Germ: Por favor, don't shoot! La Muerte man esta aqui! He'll kill us, hombre!
Osmosis Jones: Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.
Spanish Germ: La Muerte Roja! He's coming, man. I saw him. I saw him. I saw him! La Muerte Roja--
Drix: When your body's full of aches A Drixenol is all it takes
Osmosis Jones: Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?
Drix: I'm soothing the irritation.
Osmosis Jones: You just soothed my witness into a germsicle!
Drix: Oh. Oh, gosh. Well, don't worry, he'll be back to normal in a few days.
Osmosis Jones: A few days is too late. He might have some important information about on what went down.
Drix: Officer, nothing went down here. This is just a common sore throat.
Osmosis Jones: This is a crime scene. Yo, you wanna do something useful? Go plug some Turtle Wax into that thing and wash my car!
Doug: Now that's inflammation relief.
Osmosis Jones: Later, Doug.
Doug: Be cool, Oz.
Hey, fellas, how's it feel workin' with the two dumbest animals in the zoo?
Frank: They're not too bad.
Bob: It's all right.
I'm talking to the camels!
Frank: We're dumb, and they're talkin' to the camels.
Bob: Ha ha ha ha. Excellent. Uh-huh. Oh, man. I am so psyched for this long weekend.
Frank: Getting outta town?
Bob: Outta town? I'm not getting outta my bathrobe. I'm just gonna wheel a keg into the living room and plop myself down on the sofa in front of the TV. You know, spend a little quality time with the wife and kids. [sniffs] What's that smell?
Frank: That's Bruno. His tummy's still upset.
Bob: No, I'm talking about that nasty, skanky, sweaty smell.
Frank: Oh, that's my daughter Shane. She won't buy me deodorant anymore. She says it causes cancer.
Scabies: Did the foot fungus pay up yet?
Joe Cramp: Nah. That guy's gettin' flaky on us.
Scabies: Well, you ain't gonna collect nothin' from him up here in the pit. Now get down there, send him a message.
Thrax: So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.
Bruiser: Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat gland. Now beat it!
Thrax: I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.
Scabies: Yo, Red, we run the rackets around here. Take your little hustle someplace else.
Thrax: Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle. This is about the baddest illness y'all have ever seen.
Scabies: Look who thinks he's the Ebola virus, huh?
Thrax: Ebola? Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby. Ebola is a case of dandruff compared to me!
Scabies: All right, pal. You're out of here. Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead. When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths to get you out!
Thrax: Oh, sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.
Scabies: Bruiser, what are you, a sissy Mary? What you doing? Che- What's he doin- [Thrax slices Scabies in half] You ain't so tough, huh? That was nothin'!
Joe Cramp: So, uh... what kind of sickness do you have in mind... boss?
Thrax: Deadly.
Shane: Hey, Dad. Hey, Uncle Bob.
Frank: Hello, beautiful.
Bob: Hey.
Shane: So Dad, I stopped by the camping store, and I got some nuts and berries and stuff for the father-daughter hike.
Frank: Uh, right, Shane. Uh, on this hike, is that teacher of yours gonna be there?
Shane: Um, yeah. My whole class is. Why?
Frank: I don't know. I was just thinking I might take a rain check.
Shane: Dad, Mrs. Boyd isn't still mad at you.
Frank: No, it-- I didn't think so. I was just-- we could find something better to do. You know, yesterday, without thinking, I did all my hiking for the week. I hiked to the liquor store, I hiked to the cigarette warehouse...
Shane: But, Dad, you said--
Frank: I said I was gonna think about it. It's a holiday weekend. The important thing is that we're together, right?
Shane: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Frank: Yeah. Well, I, uh... I have something very special up my sleeve.
Bob: Ahem. Um, sweetheart, have you ever seen a rattlesnake swallow a football?
Frank: I don't think she has.
Bob: Oh, it's fun. Come on. Come on. I'll show you.
Frank: Thank you, Uncle Bob. You're gonna love it!
Drix: What are we wasting time here for? Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict 12-hour time release program? First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains.
Osmosis Jones: Yeah, I got it. Real important stuff. Just wait in the car. I got police work to do. Could you give me one glazed and one with a jelly-filled nucleus?
Donut Cell: Uh-huh.
Librarian: Brain memory library. Can I help you?
Osmosis Jones: You got any information on something called... "El Morry Roho"?
Librarian: Stand by. I'll check. But we're really all about sports statistics here.
Drix: Ah!
Librarian: Sir?
Osmosis Jones: Yeah, I'm here. What you got?
Librarian: "La Muerte Roja". That's Spanish. It means "The Red Death".
Osmosis Jones: The Red Death? What's that, some kind of taco sauce?
Librarian: You have a nice day.
Osmosis Jones: Hello?
Drix: Oh!
Osmosis Jones: Yo! Yo, Drips! You ever hear of The Red Death?
Nose Cell: Look alive, boys. We got dust at nine o'clock. Eat hot nose juice, dust!
Osmosis Jones: We're here. You happy?
Drix: You hear that? Quick, Jones, the dam is under attack!
Osmosis Jones: Hey, chill, pill. It's just some snot guns booger-coating some dust.
Drix: Oh.
Thrax: Now, get to work!
One-Eyed Germ Thug: This is your big plan? A sore throat, a stuffy nose? People're just gonna think you're--
Thrax: A common cold. Until I make my move, that's precisely what I want them to think.
Germ Thug: Yo, check it out! We got cops here!
Drix: Hey, look.
Osmosis Jones: Yo, yo, yo, be careful! That's a pollen pod, man. Frank is totally allergic to this stuff.
Drix: I didn't know Frank had allergies.
Osmosis Jones: Of course you didn't. No useless pill know nothin' about what goes on in here. Whoops!
Drix: Jones...
Osmosis Jones: In the words of the immortal James Brown, get down!
Drix: James who?
Danny: Hey, Frank.
Frank: Danny.
Drix: You nitwit! You could've damaged the dam!
Osmosis Jones: Relax. This baby was built to last. Solid cartilage.
Drix: Oh, you're an engineer now. Excuse me. I need to test the mucus viscosity.
Bob: Frank! Why are you leaving so early?
Frank: It's all shoveled. Hippo's asleep. I'm taking Shane to Docky's.
Bob: Did you think of something?
Frank: Yeah, I did great.
Osmosis Jones: I guarantee you, there ain't nothing wrong with this dam.
Joe Cramp: So, uh, you want me to take care of them?
Thrax: No. Hit all the pressure valves. They're about to blow the scene.
Osmosis Jones: What in the name of sweet bleeding Frank?!
Drix: The membrane is cracking, you--
Osmosis Jones: Drips! I think you missed a spot!
Germ Thug: Come on, fellas. Go, go, go!
Osmosis Jones: Yo! Stop! Immunity! [sees Thrax] What the Frank-- Wait a minute-- Nose hairs! Watch out!
Drix: We're going to die!
Bob: Gee, Frank, I'm standing right here. Can you use a tissue?
Frank: I don't have one.
Bob: Well, use your imagination.
Frank: What's that over there? Better?
Bob: Much better.
Frank: I gotta go get her. All right. She'll be excited. She'll probably call you.
Bob: Good.
Drix: If it wasn't for you, none of this- eww- would have ever happened. Now, if you'll excuse me, I-I- have a nose to dry.
Broadcaster: This is Nerve Network News. NNN.
Dan: Good evening. In an act of selfless bravery, a cold tablet stopped a runny nose today. The heroic tablet is due to be honored later this afternoon. Trudy?
Trudy: Well, in lighter news, there was panda-monium in the stomach today as some new animal crackers arrived.
Dan: They are adorable, aren't they? Hmm. And now we go live to Cerebellum Hall for a special address from Mayor Phlegmming.
Leah Estrogen: Okay, Mayor. In five, four, three....
Mayor Phlegmming: Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign, my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues. Words like "exercise", "low-fat", and "diet". Words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years. Well, I say let's stay the course. Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
Leah Estrogen: What? That's not what I wrote.
Mayor Phlegmming: I propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy. I give you a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival in Buffalo, New York! Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way!
Leah Estrogen: And we're out. Sir, that wasn't the speech we agreed on. I thought--
Mayor Phlegmming: Yes, yes, yes. Where's the little twerp in the wheelchair? Oh, hello, Johnny. How you doing? Congratulations, boys! Excellent work in the nose today! Come on over here. Let's get some pictures. I want the caption on this one to read, "Mayor and Pill Stop Cold... Cold."
Osmosis Jones: Mr. Mayor, uh, Mr. Mayor, Excuse me, sir, but we have a problem.
Mayor Phlegmming: Ha ha ha! What are you talking about, Jones?
Osmosis Jones: I think whatever it was in the sinuses is a lot more than a common cold.
Drix: Sir, don't listen to Jones. His diagnostic skills are remedial at best!
Osmosis Jones: You're the little cherry aspirin who iced a key witness to a viral attack!
Drix: That was an accident!
Osmosis Jones: Yeah, the kind of accident only a time-release dipstick like yourself would have.
Drix: Oh! I am so sick of you! That's it! I can't work with you!
Osmosis Jones: You can't work with me? I can't work with you!
Leah Estrogen: Officers, please, please! Jones, what is this- this virus you're talking about?
Osmosis Jones: The virus that torched the throat. The virus that caused those half-inch snot crests I was just surfin'!
Drix: Those snot crests were caused by the sneeze, and the sneeze was caused by you!
Osmosis Jones: Yeah? Then how come I saw that viral-looking mother fleein' the scene of the crime? Tell me!
Leah Estrogen: Sir, maybe we should put the city on full alert. You know, liquids, bed rest. You know. Just to be safe.
Mayor Phlegmming: We will do no such thing. I'm not going to postpone our trip just because the white blood cell with the worst record in Frank thought he saw something. Listen, from now on, keep those opinions in that mushy little head of yours, or you're gonna find yourself in our next nosebleed. Understood? Son, I apologize for all of this. Now, why don't we find you another, more capable officer to work with.
Drix: Uh, sir, uh, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll stay with Jones.
Leah Estrogen: Wow.
Mayor Phlegmming: Suit yourself.
Osmosis Jones: You know, you didn't have to do that. The last thing I need is your sympathy.
Drix: This is not about sympathy. I was sent into this body to make it feel better, so if this alleged virus has anything to do with that mission, I must pursue it.
Osmosis Jones: Yeah. Whatever.
Drix: Hey, Jones, what did the mayor mean when he said you had a record? You did something terrible, didn't you?
Osmosis Jones: Drips, sometimes being too careful is all it takes.
Drix: What do you mean?
Osmosis Jones: A couple of years ago, I was cruising the digestive tract, just minding my own business. Outside, it was Shane's school's science fair, and everyone was real excited, 'cause the winner was gonna get their picture on the front page of the local paper.
[In a flashback, Frank is with Shane at the science fair.]
Shane: Think anyone's gonna like my volcano?
Frank: Are you kidding? All these other parents are going home sad, 'cause their kids' projects are cardboard and glitter paint and science. Shane, yours is art.
Woman: Wow, what a great tepee.
Frank: Tepee? Mrs. Delirious, come on. Honey, I'm gonna go check out the competition. Why don't you see if you can learn these people something about volcanos.
Frank: Hey, partner. What you got there?
Zach: These? Oh, these are polluted oysters. Well-- well, they were polluted. I replanted them six months ago. You know, that's how long the state says you go to do it for. And every time the tide came in, it flushed all the-- the bad stuff out.
Frank: Can you eat them?
Zach: Well, if my hypotenuse is correct, sure... you... well, uh... yeah, definitely.
Frank: You got yourself a sale. Mmm. Mmm! All right, you might want to check your math on that one.
Osmosis Jones: [voice over] I was working the kidneys when I heard about a 6-31 was in progress-- that's incoming shellfish. So I headed down to the stomach, just to be safe.
Unscheduled shellfish now arriving at gate six.
Mrs. Boyd: And you must be Shane's dad.
Frank: Guilty as charged. Oh... Frank Detorre.
Mrs. Boyd: Frank, it's a pleasure to meet you. I am Mrs. Boyd. I am Shane's science and PE teacher. And I just have to tell you, your daughter Shane, I am just absolutely crazy about her. She is a doll.
Frank: well, if you mean that, I'm gonna keep her.
Mrs. Boyd: Oh, my God. Ha-ha! That was so funny! Oh, my God, I've got the giggles. Ohh! She's a sweetie-pie, though. Did she tell you that when she grows up, she wants to move to the city and help people?
Frank: No kidding? You mean, like a concierge or something?
Mrs. Boyd: No, no, no, no, no. Not-- uh, like poor people.
Frank: Oh, yeah, she told me that.
Mrs. Boyd: Yeah. You know, I really just have to say, Frank, it's just so wonderful to see Shane participating in the science fair. You know, Because since her mother passed away, she's had a really hard time sort of... being part of the group activities.
Frank: Yeah. She's gonna be okay.
Mrs. Boyd: Yeah.
Osmosis Jones: [voice over] And then I saw him. He rode in on the clammiest-looking oyster I'd ever seen.
Mrs. Boyd: [concerned] Mr. Detorre? Mr. Detorre? Are you okay?
Frank: Ohh... Those oysters.
Mrs. Boyd: The oysters? Oh, yeah. That's Zach's project. He's a little slow. The doctor says that he has a brain the size of a tangerine.
Frank: Mmm...
Mrs. Boyd: Yeah. So we sort of gave him this project just to sort of push him along. I think he just started it this morning, which is sort of funny. But we're gonna give him an 'A' anyway. Mr. Detorre? Mr. Detorre? Mr. Detorre?
Osmosis Jones: [voice over] There was no time to ask questions, so I did what I had to do.
Boy: Whoa, look at that guy!
Osmosis Jones: [voice over] You can probably guess which photo made it to the front page of the paper the next day. Overnight, Frank became the town laughingstock. The photo got picked up and ran in every daily across the country. He even got fired from his job at the pea soup factory. Lucky for us, our old friend Bob hooked up Frank with a job at the zoo. It was a 90% cut in pay, but it was the best we could do. Needless to say, none of this helped Shane. And as for me, I got suspended for unnecessary force. Since then, not a day has gone by that I haven't wondered, "Did I do the right thing?".
Drix: You know, Jones, from your description, it sounds like you were justified.
Osmosis Jones: Excuse me?
Drix: Oysters are a breeding ground for any number of dangerous bacteria.
Osmosis Jones: They are! That's what I've been trying to tell everybody! Darn right, they are! I never thought you'd be on my side.
Drix: I never thought you'd be right.
Uh, excuse me, sir, we have a very strict "no-shoes, no-service" policy. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you have to leave.
Frank: I beg your pardon, is that how you treat the handicapped in Docky's?
Handicapped?
Frank: I have a chronic ingrown toe condition, and doctors say it's only a short time before I won't be able to wear even the roomiest of footwear.
I'll bring your menus.
Frank: Look, would you bring some clam strips and some steamers when you come, too, please? Thank you.
Shane: So, Dad, what's the big surprise?
Frank: Well, I know you wanted to go on a trip this weekend, so... ta-da!
Shane: Buffalo?
Frank: Buffalo, New York. The buffalo wing festival this weekend.
Shane: Oh. Yeah, great. So, what's the big surprise?
Frank: We got tickets! I called a scalper. Look! 99 kinds of wings. 128 different dipping sauces. You love math. Crunch the numbers on that and tell me the possibilities are infinite. Look! Look! Here you are. Ms. Chicken Wing Festival. See this? He's the champion. But he won't be for long. Because I'm coming. I'm coming-- I'm coming to get you, baby. Fun?
Shane: Yeah. That's-- that's really cool, Dad.
Mayor Phlegmming: Ha ha ha ha ha. See, I told you she'd be excited. Now, tidy up, will you? Here we go.
Leah Estrogen: Okay, Frank. This is your, um, conscience speaking. Now listen carefully. This hiking trip means the world to her. Figure out a way to make it work. Use that charm.
Shane: What's wrong now?
Frank: Oh, gee... oh, it's this damn toe. Do me a favor, huh? Don't you get old. Listen to the toe. Don't you get old.
Joe Cramp: Hey, boss, looks like your plan worked.
Thrax: That's right. I got this city exactly where I want it. Ha ha!
Joe Cramp: So, what about the cop and the pill?
Thrax: Well, let's just say if they give us a problem: Fire!
Chill: Get it down! Money on the wood make the game go good. Five bucks says size don't matter. Let's do this thing now.
Osmosis Jones: Chicken-pock fights.
Chill: Get back! Yeah, get him! That's my baby! Try the headlock!
Drix: Hey, that's a virus. We should arrest him.
Osmosis Jones: No, man, that used to be a virus. Now he's on our side. That's Chill. He's a flu shot.
Drix: That's funny. He doesn't look flu-ish.
Osmosis Jones: Why don't you just stay here and watch the maestro work.
Osmosis Jones: Hey, Chill. Chill! Don't y'all know pock fighting's against the law?
Chill: Hey, hey! Hey, where y'all going? Thanks a lot, junior. You just cost me 20.
Osmosis Jones: Money ain't gonna be your biggest problem if you don't tell me what you know about the sinuses.
Chill: Hey, I was injected into this body to rat on influenza only, and this don't sound like influenza to me. Now, beat it!
Osmosis Jones: I bet Johnny Streptococcus and the Melanoma family will be very interested to hear about your flu shot work.
Chill: You can't jack me on that, brother. I'm in the virus protection program. Hey! What? Uhh!
Drix: You, virus. I believe children's strength ought to take care of you.
Osmosis Jones: Uh-oh, you done done it now, Chill. This guy's a psycho cop. You had your chance to spill it, but it's too late. This guy just off the Thorazine. Now he's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! He's going El Pollo Loco on your crazy behind! I can't look. I just can't look.
Chill: All right! Aah! The guy's big time. He goes by the name of Thrax. Go to that new place, The Zit, on the head. You can't miss it. It's huge. There's a big meeting there tonight. I'm out! Aah! But you didn't hear that from me. You didn't hear that from me!
Osmosis Jones: Whoo-hoo! Next time, I'll be the bad cop.
Drix: You are a bad cop.
Osmosis Jones: Yo, who you calling a bad cop?
Drix: My, what big zits he has. How did something like this happen?
Osmosis Jones: You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.
Female Club Goer: ...Last week?
Club Guard: All right, you come on in.
Female Club Goer: Oh, thank you!
Osmosis Jones: Hey, wait, wait. Hold up now. Where do you think you're going?
Drix: To get our cootie!
Osmosis Jones: Looking like that? They'll tear you apart. You got to get spiffy.
Drix: Spiffy?
Osmosis Jones: Peep this. Check it out.
Drix: Hmm. Pliable cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defense mechanism. Ooh! Ohh! Let me try. What do you think?
Osmosis Jones: I think you should guard the car.
Drix: Oh, no. This is my mission too. I insist on going in with you.
Osmosis Jones: All right. But we got to get you something to wear.
Drix: Are you sure this disguise is working?
Osmosis Jones: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Trust me, it's perfect.
Drix: Perfect.
Osmosis Jones: We got company. Be cool. Now, try to relax. Fit in. Shake a tail cell or something.
Drix: I don't dance. I have no left feet.
Osmosis Jones: You don't dance? You don't dance
Drix: No.
Osmosis Jones: Don't tell me you ain't never gotten jiggy with it.
Drix: Uh, I don't believe I have.
Osmosis Jones: Come on, baby, give me a little bit of this.
Drix: Oh, all right. Here you go.
Osmosis Jones: That's it, baby.
Drix: Get down.
Osmosis Jones: Don't let it settle at the bottom.
Drix: Oh, mama. Yo!
Osmosis Jones: All right, you stay here and practice. Boy, you need it. If I'm not back here in five, you come looking. Okay?
Osmosis Jones: Barkeep, what you got?
Barkeep: You got a problem with that?
Osmosis Jones: No. It's just the way I like it: Extra disgusting.
Thrax: My plan is simple. Three teams will move through the cranial artery, and one through the nasal passage. We are going to the brain, baby! And we are gonna steal us one of these. Now this little sucker comes from a place called the hypothalamus gland.
Osmosis Jones: The Hypo-Hoppo-what?
Thrax: Hypothalamus. Hypothalamus. Controls the temperature for the entire body. We are gonna march right in there and we are going to take the prize. Then my man Frank's gonna heat up like a sidewalk on a summer day.
Mrs. Boyd: Go away.
Frank: I need to talk to you.
Mrs. Boyd: What a zit. I mean, what is it? What is it? What do you want?
Frank: I want you to help me.
Mrs. Boyd: You want me to call the cops? Or maybe Shane would like to know about the 200-yard restraining order that's still in effect.
Frank: Please, we can't do that. She's been humiliated enough already.
Mrs. Boyd: Oh, ho-ho-ho. "Humiliated." I'll tell you about humiliation. You turned me into a walking air-sickness bag. My whole family was humiliated. Do you understand that? Do you have any idea of the teasing that my little sons, Ralph and Chuck, have had to endure?
Frank: I know your daughter Hurly had to transfer schools.
Mrs. Boyd: Shirley. My daughter's name is Shirley.
Frank: Oh, that is much prettier. Tom Brokaw called her Hurly.
Mrs. Boyd: What?
Frank: It was a very cute picture of her, though. We got to get this water underneath our bridge as soon as possible, for Shane's sake.
Mrs. Boyd: Shane has nothing to do with this. I would never hold anything against one of my students.
Frank: All right, that--
Mrs. Boyd: Get back to work!
Thrax: Now all of this is going down tonight, so I want everyone to be prepared.
Osmosis Jones: Tonight? Uh, can't we do it next week? Me and Madcow got tickets to Wrestlemania.
Thrax: Ya see this? This here little DNA bead comes from a little girl in Riverside, California. Didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks. And this one. Nice lady in Detroit, Motown. Six days flat. Then there's this old guy in Philly. I killed him in seventy-two hours. Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record. Until my man Frank, that is. I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours. Get my own chapter in the medical books.
Germs: Heh-heh. Yeah. Right.
Osmosis Jones: Uh, excuse me. Excuse me. I got one more question here. Is there anything that, say, a white blood cell could do to stop this evil plan? You know, hypothetically speaking, that is.
Thrax: And, who are you?
Osmosis Jones: Who am I? Who am I? A bad, booty-shaking pickinosis. Yeah, that's who I am.
Thrax: I never heard of you.
Osmosis Jones: That's 'cause you just got here. But you ask any of these suckers when it comes to illing, bad, booty-shaking pickinosis stands above all the rest.
Ow. That hurts.
Aah!
Hey, that ain't no germ! That's a cop!
Thrax: Well, what do we have here? An officer of Frank's finest. Somebody lay down a towel. This is gonna to be messy...
Drix: Attention, germs. You are surrounded. Surrounded.
Osmosis Jones: Yo, Hammer. You can stop dancing.
Drix: Oh.
Osmosis Jones: What kept you?
Spanish Germ: Es el muerte rojo! No me mates! Get out of here!
Frank: I just want you to lift this restraining order for this weekend, so I can do this father-daughter trip.
Mrs. Boyd: The answer is no, Mr. Detorre.
Frank: Please? Think about it overnight. It would make a little girl very happy.
Drix: Only for use against the most stubborn cold symptoms. Darn child-proof caps.
Thrax: Get him!
Osmosis Jones: Ooh! Why you hit so hard? Dang it, Drix. I could use a little help here. Give me that thing!
Spanish Germ: Oh, no. Not again.
Frank: You have something white on your lips. Other side. Uh-oh.
Mrs. Boyd: Ohh... Ooh! Get out! Out! The answer is no! Absolutely not!
Drix: Brr!
Osmosis Jones: Thanks. You saved my cytoplasm in there. Mr. Thrax has left the building! My name is what? My name is who?
Drix: Jones!
Osmosis Jones: My name is ah! Osmosis Jones! Now let's call in for a scab and get back to the precinct.
Chief: Jones, in my office.
Osmosis Jones: Hey, hey, who died? Other than Thrax, that is. Brandy! I mean, Leah! What are you doing here?
Mayor Phlegmming: [furious] You really did it now, Jones.
Osmosis Jones: Mr. Mayor, I didn't see you back there.
Mayor Phlegmming: Disregarding orders, destruction of public flesh, popping a pimple without a permit! What the heck were you doing up there?!
Osmosis Jones: What was I doing? I was promoting good health, sir.
Mayor Phlegmming: Oh, is that what you call it?
Drix: Sir, he was a lethal virus. If we hadn't stopped him--
Osmosis Jones: We'd be fried eggs off of Frank's dead butt!
Mayor Phlegmming: Watch your mouth, Kid. Talk like that could cause a panic.
Osmosis Jones: At least that people would start thinking about what's going on in this body, instead of thinking about some stupid trip!
Mayor Phlegmming: Okay, Jones. You want us to start thinking? Well, here's a thought: You're fired!
Drix: Uh, sir--
Leah Estrogen: Mr. Mayor--
Mayor Phlegmming: I'll need your badge, mister.
Osmosis Jones: Figures. I finally do something right for Frank, and I get fired.
Leah Estrogen: Osmosis...
Drix: Please. Without Jones, Frank could've been in mortal danger.
Mayor Phlegmming: Oh, mortal danger, hmm? You'd love to prove that, wouldn't you, Mr. Drixenol? Get your name written up in the New England Journal of Medicine. Son, do me a favor and read what it says on your arm.
Drix: [reads] "For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with--"
Mayor Phlegmming: Exactly. Temporary. You're nothing but a wannabe, a placebo, a generic brand, marked down over-the-counter useless Tic-Tac. Now, get out of my body!
TV Announcer: It appears continuing cold symptoms, while annoying, will not derail plans for the trip to the annual Buffalo chicken wing festival.
Thrax: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Bruiser: What's so funny?
Joe Cramp: I don't know.
Thrax: They're making this too easy! Hahahahaha! You know, in all the bodies I've been in, no one has ever gotten wise to me. And now for the first time, an immunity cell has figured out everything, and they don't believe him. Hahahahahaha! Can you taste the irony in that? Shut up! What are you two laughing at? All right. All right, we're back on schedule.
Bruiser: But boss, we're the only ones left. Maybe we should incubate for a while?
Thrax: You incubate. I said 48 hours, I'm gonna make my deadline.
Bruiser: Ohh... ohh...
Thrax: Medical books aren't written about losers!
Shane: I'm not going.
Frank: You're not going where, hon?
Shane: To Buffalo. I'm not going.
Frank: Honey, I'm-- we're all packed. Buffalo's gonna be a blast.
Shane: I'm going camping with my friends. You're welcome to join us.
Frank: Well, I don't think....
Shane: I'd really like you to come.
Frank: No. No, no. No, no, no, I- You don't want me huffing and puffing after you. If you want to go camping, Okay, I'll- I know I can get uncle Bob to go with me in Buffalo.
Shane: I'm tired of this! It's not fair! I go where you want to go, I eat what you want to eat. Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
Frank: I think about you all the time.
Shane: Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
Frank: Yeah, it was a turkey Slim Jim!
Shane: You know, Dad, maybe if you and mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.
Frank: Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey, your mom died, because she got sick.
Shane: And how do you think you get sick?
Frank: Germs.
Shane: It's the way you eat.
Drix: Who's that?
Osmosis Jones: Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yep. There's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came over on the umbilical cord. Until now, that is.
All right, ladies. Wrap it up now.
Drix: Well, I, uh.... I guess I should get going. Wouldn't want Frank to build up an immunity to me. Who knows? Maybe next time he takes Drixenol, it'll be able to do him some good.
Osmosis Jones: Goodbye, Drips.
Drix: That's Drix.
Osmosis Jones: Whatever.
Mayor Phlegmming: All right, all right, people. Let's get started. I don't need to remind anyone that today is our trip to Buffalo, New York. Frank will be up in 20 minutes. I don't want him so much as losing an eyelash, stubbing his toe today.
Excuse me, sir. Would you like to see a free screening? We've got a live feed here broadcasting dreams all the way from the subconscious in the brain.
Mrs. Boyd: You get back to work right now.
Frank: Mmm.
Osmosis Jones: That's right, big boy. You keep on dreaming. At least you got your health.
Ninety-eight point six. Ninety-eight point six. Ninety-eight point six.
A-ha! Perfect.
Uh, you can't come in here.
No! No! Aah!
Thrax: Baby, you are looking fine today. Mmm... yes.
Mayor Phlegmming: And don't forget that donut seat cushion we take to the football games. I don't want the voters in the hemorrhoids having anything to complain about.
Leah Estrogen: Sir, something freaky is going on with the weather.
Mayor Phlegmming: We're probably drinking some hot coffee.
Leah Estrogen: Sir, look at the map. What if Jones is right?
Mayor Phlegmming: Jones? Ha ha ha! Funny, Funny-- 
[Mad that the mayor was not listen, she turned his chair around to face him.]
Leah Estrogen: You care more about your stupid re-election than you care about all our lives! Something's going on and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out.
Mayor Phlegmming: Hypo-the-what is this? Leah, wait! Who's going to answer the phones?
Dispatcher: All units be advised. We have a break-in.
Sarge?
Nah. Nothing down there but bad dreams.
Frankie.
Thrax: Huh? Wait, wait, wait.
Mrs. Boyd: You want me to call the cops? Or maybe Shane would like to know about the 200-yard restraining order...
Shane: Maybe if you and Mom listened to me a little more and took better care of yourselves, maybe she'd still be here.
Superintendent: You're fired. Now get out of here!
Mrs. Boyd: Get out! Eww!
No... um...
Mrs. Boyd: You get back to work right now.
Thrax: What the-- Huh?
Osmosis Jones: What the heck was that?
Mrs. Boyd: Francis Detorre, you stand up right now!
Osmosis Jones: Thrax is alive! Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!
Oh, great, pal! Spoil the ending!
Osmosis Jones: Hey, buddy, what temperature you got?
98.6. Wait a minute, is this thing broken again?
Osmosis Jones: Drix!
Mrs. Boyd: You get those skid marks out of my class! Out the door!
Thrax: Whew! This cat was sick before I even got here.
Now boarding! The 9:37 with nonstop service to the toilet bowl.
Conductor: Tickets, please. Keep it moving, let's go. Thank you.
Osmosis Jones: Drix! Yo, Drix!
Drix: Jones?
Osmosis Jones: Get your time-release butt off this boat! Thrax is alive. Come on, let's go.
Drix: I'm sorry, Osmosis, I can't help you.
Osmosis Jones: Excuse me?
Drix: I wasn't designed to combat a virus. Read my label.
Osmosis Jones: You gotta learn to think outside the pillbox, Man.
Conductor: Come on, keep it moving.
Osmosis Jones: I've known sugar pills who've cured cancer, just because they believed they could.
Drix: Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me. I'm cherry-flavored.
Conductor: Hey, pal, you on or off?
Osmosis Jones: Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.
Conductor: The zipper's down. All ashore that's going ashore.
Drix: Jones, you really know a sugar pill who cured cancer?
Osmosis Jones: Nah. But it makes for a good pep talk, don't it?
Drix: Let's go catch a cold.
Bob: Hey, Shane, how about a hug for your Uncle Bob? Okay, nice talking to you, too. Hey, muscles! You don't look so good.
Frank: I feel a little fluey.
Bob: You know what they say, "Starve a cold, drown the flu." Your body needs fluids now and lots of them.
Frank: Is beer fluid?
Bob: Oh, of course, it's fluid. What about all that wet stuff in it?
Frank: I thought that was the beer.
Bob: Oh, come on, no, finish that up. Come on, we want to get better. Come on, there we go, that's it. That's my good washboard-tummy guy!
Leah Estrogen: This is it. Men, go, go, go, go! Aah!
Thrax: Hi, baby.
Leah Estrogen: What are you waiting for? Shoot him!
Thrax: If you follow me, she dies.
Don't shoot.
Osmosis Jones: Hey, this ain't no time to get carsick.
Drix: Don't worry about me. I'm one-eighth Dramamine. It's just this darn heat. Ay!
Osmosis Jones: Just as long as it don't hit 108 degrees, or Frank's daughter's an orphan.
Hey, Shane, look what I brought for you. They're false eyelashes.
Shane: Whatever.
Just close your eye. There you go. You look good with falsies.
What the--?
Leah Estrogen: Let me go!
Bob: Oh, don't worry about Shane. Shane'll be fine.
Frank: Well, I just want to, you know, put her at ease. I don't want her to worry.
Bob: Listen, why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her, okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's 16, I'll boot her out the door.
Frank: Sixteen?
Bob: Well, yeah, you know, I'm not gonna mommy her forever, okay? I mean, sixteen, sure. Frank? Are you all right?
Dispatcher: All units, all units, we have a hostage situation involving the mayor's aide.
Osmosis Jones: Oh, no, Leah, girl, what were you thinking?
Dan: And now we go live to a high-speed chase in the superior vena cava expressway. Reports of a hostage are confirmed.
Look out!
Dispatcher: Suspect is heading towards the uvula. Repeat, heading towards the uvula.
Osmosis Jones: What the heck is a "uvula"?
Drix: It's that little dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's--
Osmosis Jones: Boxer shorts! Okay!
Drix: Not that little dangly thing! The one in his throat!
Osmosis Jones: I knew that. I knew that.
Bob: Are you with me? Frank, are you with me? Are you okay?
Mayor Phlegmming: Yes, I feel fine. Say it!
Bob: Frank, Frank! Hold on here. All right, that's it. Hey, you're going to the hospital. The trip is off. Pull it over, big guy.
Mayor Phlegmming: The trip is off? Noooo!
Girl: Shane, isn't that your dad?
Shane: Oh, my God. Stop the bus! Dad! Uncle Bob!
Mrs. Boyd: Shane!
Bob: Shane, what are you doing here? It's okay, she's my niece!
Shane: What happened?
Bob: Uh, well, honey, your daddy's had a little accident.
Shane: Is he okay?
Bob: Oh, sure, no, he's gonna be fine. I hope he's gonna be okay. Come on.
Leah Estrogen: Let me go! Hey, hey, watch the hands, buddy!
Thrax: Hold up.
Leah Estrogen: You better put me down!
[in the hospital]
Nurse #1: A critical one here!
Emergency Room Doctor #1: Coming through. What's the story on this one?
Emergency Room Doctor #2: I don't know, I don't know what it is. The guy's burning up.
Emergency Room Doctor #1: All right, let's move on my mark. Ready, one, two... lift!
Thrax: What is that nasty smell?
Drix: Cherry. Wild cherry. Now let her go.
Thrax: Why? So you can ice me again?
Osmosis Jones: No! So I can!
Drix: Virus con Dios.
Leah Estrogen: Jones! Oh, thank Frank!
Emergency Room Doctor #1: What's his temperature?
Doctor: 106.2.
Emergency Room Doctor #1: Put him in ice! Let's get some ice in here! We gotta cool this guy down.
Bob: Go on in.
Nurse #2: We need some ice in here!
Orderly: Right, I'll get it.
Shane: Daddy?
Frank: Maggie.
Shane: No! No, Dad, it's me, Shane.
Osmosis Jones: Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Thrax: I ain't got time for this.
Chief: This is Frank PD! We have you surrounded! Surrender at once!
Osmosis Jones: Give it up, Thrax. You're busted.
Drix: Hand over the bracelet.
Thrax: Y'all are making this too easy. Ha ha ha!
Drix: Pollen?
Thrax: Check this out.
Osmosis Jones: Oh, no!
Pilot: Mother of Frank!
Thrax: Enjoy the funeral, boys. Ha ha ha!
Leah Estrogen: We're dead!
Osmosis Jones: How's your aim?
Drix: A lot better than yours.
Leah Estrogen: Jones, what do you think you're doing?
Osmosis Jones: Saving Frank. Let's do it. You want Osmosis?
Drix: You've got Osmosis.
Thrax: You just don't know when to quit, do you, Jones?
Thrax: You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad, Big Daddy Thrax is gonna let you have it. Looks good on you, Jones. You wear it well. It's a shame you had to come this far from home just to die.
Osmosis Jones: Ha! Who's the Germinator now? It's a falsie-- Ohh!
Thrax: Can you feel the heat, Jones? Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.
Osmosis Jones: She ain't going down. You are.
Thrax: What? No!
Emergency Room Doctor #1: We're losing him. Breathe! Come on, man.
Shane: Daddy! No, I don't want to lose you!
Emergency Room Doctor #1: Take her outside.
Nurse #2: Come on, honey, there's nothing you can do.
Shane: No, that's my dad! That's my dad! Dad!
Osmosis Jones: Hey, wait, wait! Whoa, whoa! Frank! Frank!
Dan: Things are looking grim as temperatures rise to dangerous levels. We have lost all contact with the outer extremities. NNN will stay on the air as long as possible.
Trudy: When we come back, ordinary household appliances that can improve your golf swing.
Dan: You-- you silly twit! Don't you get it?! We are going to die!
Trudy: Oh, I knew it, Dan. At the first dark cloud, you fall apart.
Dan: Moron!
Trudy: Phony!
Musician: Gentlemen, playing with you has been the greatest pleasure of my life.
[The Musicians began to play a sad song.]
Leah Estrogen: He's not coming back. He's not gonna make it.
Nurse #2: Come on, sweetheart. He'll be....
Emergency Room Doctor #1: That's it.
Shane: No, wait! Hey, Daddy! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that to you. I don't blame you at all for Mom's death. I didn't mean any of it. You're the greatest dad in the whole world.
Drix: Look!
Leah Estrogen: Ozzy! Ohh! Oh, Jones!
Chief: Get that thing to the hypothalamus now!
Emergency Room Doctor #1: Okay, I'm calling it.
Nurse #2: I'm sorry, sweetie. Come on. Come on now.
Doctor: Wait a minute. He's got a pulse.
Emergency Room Doctor #1: He's coming back. 107.7... 107.6...
Frank: Your mama says, "Hi".
Dan: As sweltering temperatures return to normal, a grateful city salutes Osmosis Jones, the brave officer who saved us all. Patrolman Jones has just been reinstated to the immunity force with full privileges.
Chief: Hey, Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape? You know we've got that big insurance exam next month.
Osmosis Jones: I don't know. You're gonna have to talk to my new partner, if he feels like hanging around a little while.
Drix: But my work visa's expired.
Osmosis Jones: Well, we'll go to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.
Leah Estrogen: Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesing for a little more Osmosis.
Shane: Oh, my God. Look how beautiful. I told you it'd be worth it.
Frank: Didn't think I'd break a sweat coming up here. But I did.
Shane: Yeah, it was kind of a long drive. Carrot?
Mayor Phlegmming: Hmm. I wonder what this does.
Shane: Dad!
Frank: Was that you?
Shane: Ohh.
Frank: What the heck. Out with the old, in with the new.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Warner Bros. Transcripts