Calling Quits

"Calling Quits" is a Season 1 and the pilot episode of Squiddie's School.
==Characters==
*Squidward Tentacles
*Patrick Star
*Eugene H. Krabs
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Art School Manager
*Art School Worker
*Sheldon J. Plankton
*Larry the Lobster
*Bubble Bass
*CrazySponge
*Matchy
==Synopsis==
Fed up with the everyday antics he has to go through at the Krusty Krab, Squidward quits his job and looks to fulfill his lifelong dream of starting an art class.
==Transcript==
[episode begins with Squidward at the Krusty Krab, taking an order from Patrick]
Patrick: Uhh, let’s see, uh… how many calories are in the Double Krabby Patty?
Squidward: Patrick, you’ve been here like a million times. How in the hell do you not know what’s on the menu?
Patrick: I don’t pay attention to what I eat! I just eat it. For example…
[Patrick takes Squidward’s nose and chews on it, causing Squidward to freak out and squirt ink into Patrick’s mouth]
Squidward: What’s wrong with you?
Patrick: Wow! Filling. Thanks, Squidward! Now I don’t have to buy anything!
[cuts to Eugene in his office, counting his money. He overhears the conversation and barges through his door.]
Eugene: WOAH! You two are making me lose money! Patrick, go and buy a delic-er-ious Krabby Patty before I go shove my claw up your arse!
Patrick: Well, you know Mr. Krabs, I would really like that!
Eugene: No! Buy a Krabby Patty from the grouchy octopus boomer!
[Patrick sighs]
Patrick: [singing tone] Lemme get that… lemme get that… Double Seaweed Deluxe! [starts snapping his fingers] Deluxe! Deluxe! Deluxe! Deluxe! Deluxe! Lemme get that-get that-get that Double Double Double Sea-weeeed DELUXE! DELUXE!
[Squidward starts rapping, interrupting him]
Squidward: Yuh! Double Seaweed Deluxe, ey! It’s gon’ cost a lot of bucks, ey! I don’t ever give a- [snaps back to normal] Shut up, Patrick! Order your food like a normal person next time. Alright, that will be $11.99.
Patrick: Oh boy! [checks pockets] Uh… Squidward? Do you still take rocks?
Squidward: We never did, never will.
Patrick: Aw, damn.
[SpongeBob peaks from the kitchen to see a ravenous Patrick]
SpongeBob: Don’t worry, Patrick! I’ll make it on the house.
Patrick: Oh, really! Thanks SpongeBob. I’ll show you my appreciation tonight!
SpongeBob: PATRICK! I’m not gay!
Patrick: Oh… right.
[Squidward’s listening to the whole thing and seems to be pouting with his nose drooping down]
SpongeBob: Alright, Pat! Time to make you a Doub-doub-double-double Seaweed DELUXE! DELUXE! DEL-
Squidward: ALRIGHT! THAT’S IT!
[runs into Eugene’s office]
Eugene: Ah, Mr. Squidward! Are you here to learn how to successfully force capitalism on your victims?
Squidward: No, Mr. Krabs! I QUIT!
[throws hat which lands onto one of Eugene’s eyestalks]
Eugene: You’re quitting? Why? We’re like father and son!
Squidward: I am SICK of this putrid establishment holding me back on all of my hopes and dreams.
[Patrick comes in]
Patrick: But Squidward! Your hopes and dreams died 15 years ago! They’ve been laid to rest more times than CrazySponge!
Squidward: SEE? SEE WHAT I MEAN?! None of this shit would be happening if Bernie got nominated!
Eugene: Hey, don’t say that name here! You know that all Krusty Krew employees are members of the Trump Train. Why do you think we have the no muslim rule?
Squidward: GOODBYE! [storms out]
Eugene: Argh… I should’ve just traded his contract to the Chum Bucket.
[cuts to Squidward barging into his house]
Squidward: I’m… I’M… I’M FREE! HAHA! TAKE IT TO THE FACE, KRABSY BOY! Get out of here with your totalitarian BS! Now it’s time to be successful.
[dials number on the phone]
Sex Hotline Worker: Hey good-looking, whatchu up to!
Squidward: Damn, wrong number. I’ll put you on hold, baby girl, heheh.
[dials new number]
Rec Center Worker: Yo, Recreational Center of Fine Arts and Culture, what could I hook you up with?
Squidward: Hey, my name is Squidward Tentacles, and I’d like to teach an art class.
Rec Center Worker: Uh… hm… yeah, I’m gonna have to get the manager for that. You can swing by and we’ll give the details.
Squidward: [deadpan expression] Uh, okay then. [hangs up] Let’s go! He wants to see my work in person! Time for Bikini Bottom to be soothed by cultural impact.
[cuts to rec center, with the person on the call and the manager chatting]
Manager: I don’t know about this one, chief.
Worker: Aren’t you the chief?
Manager. Yeah, but who really cares.
[Squidward comes through the door with a surplus of paintings, dresses as an artist]
Squidward: Le Artiste has arrived!
Manager: Um… right. [the two cringe] Sit down, Mr. Tentacles.
Squidward: [grin on his face] So, which piece of art would you like to see first?
Manager: Listen, um… that won’t be needed. We need to talk.
[Squidward deflates and drops his paintbrush]
Manager: Look, we appreciate all of your hard work and effort, as well as your enthusiasm to get a job here. But considering your very inadequate success as an artist - as well as your subpar level of schooling - we’re not sure you’re qualified to teach students here.
Squidward: Education? Why, I spent four years at the greatest culture community college on the sea bottom! [holds up diploma that says “L.A.M.E.” on it]
Worker: Well, I must say, the diploma speaks for itself.
Manager: All of your artwork is panned by the top critics of Bikini Bottom. I don’t even know the last time you’ve laid a suction cup on a sculpture.
Squidward: Oh I’ll sculpt something alright! [begins to unbutton his shirt top]
Manager: I didn’t mean it like that! Sorry Squidward, but it’s a no.
Squidward: No, you don’t understand! I’ve been working my entire life to get to this point! The Krusty Krab was just a side hustle. Please, PLEASE give me a chance to teach! I know I have potential that I can pass onto these students!
[Manager and Worker look at each other, nodding their head]
Manager: Fine, we’ll give you a chance. But one slip-up and your ass is on the streets, you got that!
Squidward: [jumps up from his seat] WOOOO!! LET’S GO! [shakes manager’s hand] THANK YOU, SIR! YOU WON’T BE DISAPPOINTED!
[Squidward leaves, as the two workers exchange looks]
Manager: I don’t know what he’s so happy about. It’s just a rec center! Go be a real artist.
[cuts to Squidward decorating his classroom, getting everything ready for class]
Squidward: Come on, Squiddie ol’ boy! Everything has to be perfect! Nothing can go wrong. [he hangs up his several paintings, dusts the floor, and gets everything on his desk in shape. He then continues to put on his beret and yellow robe.] Gotta be in the proper attire today! That way I can be in the improper attire tonight.
[time card says 10 minutes later]
Squidward: [checks watch] Welp… it’s opening time! Can’t wait to meet all my marvelous students and teach them what real culture is!
[goes to open door as the camera cuts to the door facing inwards. Squidward is shown walking outside.]
Squidward: Welcome, art-lov- oh goddamnit. [facepalms as it shows SpongeBob, Patrick, Eugene, Sheldon, Sandy, Pearl, Larry, Bubble Bass, CrazySponge, and Matchy along with several background characters all lined up together].
Everyone: Hi, Mr. Tentacles!
Squidward: [nose deflates] Um… can you all give me a moment? [rushes back inside while freaking out]
SpongeBob: He must be excited to rub his artistic tentacle on us.
Patrick: I sure am! Heheh.
[all of the characters look at Patrick with a deadpan expression as the episode ends]
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