The Stringfellow Situation

The Stringfellow Situation is the third episode of SBFW College.
==Plot==
When the college announces that Ken Stringfellow will be visiting them for a special presentation, Aaron tries to get his attention, to no avail. Meanwhile, Pluto tries out for the baseball team but gets rejected. Then, Stringfellow then shows his bad intentions and chaos ensues.
==Transcript==
(The episode begins with Nacho and Granite sitting at the cafeteria table, eating pasta)
Nacho: So, how’s the pasta, Mr. Toast?
Granite: (eating the pasta) Please don’t call me that. Also, it’s fine enough.
Nacho: (slamming fits on the table) FINE ENOUGH? HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE-
Loudspeaker: ATTENTION SQUIDWARD COMMUNITY COLLEGE STUDENTS! EVERYONE MUST MEET IN THE HALL AT ONCE!
(The loudspeaker turns off, and Granite and Nacho look at each other)
Granite: Damn it, guess I can’t eat my burger I brought with me.
Nacho: Were you going to eat it naked?
Granite: …I legally cannot answer that. Let’s just go.
(Cut to all the students gathering around in the hall; Luis arrives at the scene)
Luis: Greetings, students. It is I, your headmaster, Dr. Licas.
(A scream is heard from the back)
CrazySponge: Get on with it. We have places to be, things to do.
Prim: Ha, GAY!
Granite: Ew.
(Everyone starts laughing)
Luis: Okay, that’s a good one. But anyway, without further ado, I present to you… our first guest speaker!
(A shadow is seen)
???: Hello, children…
Pluto: What the fuck is that?
Aaron: HOLY FUCKING SHIIIIT! IT’S HIM FOR REAL FR!!!
SpongeBot: I am going to puke.
(The shadow is revealed to be Ken Stringfellow)
Stringfellow: How are my lovelies, tonight?
Aaron: GREAT!
Stringfellow: I said, HOW ARE MY LOVELIES TONIGHT?
(Silence)
Stringfellow: So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Well then. I guess it’s time for you kittens to learn who I truly am. My name is (BLEEP). I used to make music for the band The Posies, but… we won’t get into that.
(Loud snoring is heard from the back)
Luis: Mr. Sullivan, I expect you’re paying attention?
Dan: Huh, what? When’d the registered sex offender get here?
Stringfellow: Actually, I’m not registered… (under his breath) and hopefully never will be.
SpongeBot: Well at least he’s honest.
Pluto: Sometimes, honesty is not the best policy..
Aaron: I disagree. I fucked a bovine last night. I said it, YEAH!
Zoltan: I fucked an animal too last night. A cat, actually.
CrazySponge: Huh, that’s weird. I haven’t seen Jamie all morning.
(Zoltan whistles)
CrazySponge: Oh my fucking God.
Zoltan: What?
CrazySponge: SHE’S FOUR!
Zoltan: 32 in cat years, actually.
CrazySponge: SHE’S STILL A CAT! YOU FUCKED MY CAT!
Zoltan: And I’d do it again.
Pluto: Waste of my time. Gonna go listen to Sponge.
(Pluto walks out of the hall)
Luis: Can he do that?
Ally: I don’t get paid enough to answer that question. Imagine deleting Bulbo Kong…
Luis: Well then. Mr. Stringfellow, it’s time for you to do the presentation we promised.
Stringfellow: Riiight. I will do it right now.
(Stringfellow grabs a remote hanging up on the wall, and turns on the screen nearby)
(The Windows XP startup sound plays as the screen boots up)
Stringfellow: Heheheh, silly things. Just gotta hold on a minute here…
(Five minutes later…)
(Everyone in the hallway is getting impatient, with some even groaning)
Stringfellow: Alright, at long last, it loaded. So first things first…
(He opens the first slide)
Stringfellow: My full name is Ke(BLEEP)ow, but you can call me Kenny Penny!!
SpongeBot: I’d much rather not.
Dan: Hey, did you see that drawing Aaron made of you?
Aaron: NONONONONONONO DON’T BRING THAT UP!
Dan: Too late! (he pulls up the inflation vore drawing Aaron made of Stringfellow and shows it to the man himself) Here it is!
(Stringfellow’s skin turns even paler than usual, and drops to the ground)
Luis: Oh my god, what did you do to him?
Dan: Showed him Aaron’s magnum opus, that’s all.
Stringfellow: What… was… that?!
Aaron: I know, right! It’s the best drawing of the century! I even made an alternate version where you’re farting too! (holds out an inflation farting drawing of Ken)
Stringfellow: It’s… It’s… (passes out) 
Aaron: I think he likes it. I can’t wait to show him the one where he goes on a weight loss journey!
SpongeBot: Find God.
Aaron: I stray further from him with each passing day. It’d be easier to find Markiplier.
(Some paramedics come onto the scene and instantly revive Stringfellow)
Stringfellow: AHH! Oh, it wasn’t a dream… (to himself) It’s okay, Ken, you can still take advantage of the college kittens… you can do it. (out loud) Alright, everyone, next slide. (he goes to the next slide, which shows a naked woman) OOPSIES! Sorry, that’s, erm, personal. (switches to the next slide)
Dan: Nevermind, this is getting better!
Poy: CHEECHEE?! NO WAY!
Stringfellow: Erm, anyway, this slide shows the good times I had with The Posies. Here’s us making our first album together… and our last album. Then the… (clears throat) thing happened.
Liz: This is the part where he offended sex!
Stringfellow: SHUT UP! I mean… be quiet please. Alright, change of plans. This hallway is a bit crowded, so how about we move to the gym?
Luis: (shrugs) Seems good to me.
SpongeBot: Finally. I feel like I’m suffocating here.
(Cut to everyone in the gym)
Stringfellow: Alright, kiddies, now I want all of you to listen to any song by me. Preferably from Touched. Now hop to it!
Liz: Is Touched a reference to your allegations?
Stringfellow: This was made way before the allegations, so no.
Liz: Aw.
Aaron: MISTER STRINGFELLOW! I AM A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK! I LOVE YOU MAN!
Liz: And by his “work”, are you referring to the allegations or-
Stringfellow: (to himself) Okay, so here’s the plan. I distract all the students with my music, and then I get laid at the local CeX. Okay, I can do this…
Aaron: Hello?! Anyone home? Mister Sex Offender?
Stringfellow: Do not call me that ever again!
(Cuts to Pluto entering the gym)
Pluto: Hello, is this where the baseball tryouts are-? (he notices everyone else) Oh god fucking damn it.
Stringfellow: Well hello there, vulnerable teenager!
Pluto: What do you want?
(The baseball coach also enters the gym)
Coach: Pluto, there you are!
Pluto: Fashionably late, as always.
Coach: The tryouts are outdoors, son!
Pluto: Oh god dammit.
Coach: I don’t trust this man, let’s get out of here.
Pluto: Definitely.
(Cut to the coach and Pluto outdoors on the baseball field)
Coach: The game starts in one minute. Are you ready?
Pluto: More ready than I’ve ever been sir.
Coach: GREAT! Now GET OUT THERE AND SHOW YOUR SKILL!
(Pluto walks over to the third base area)
Pluto: Hello, who are you?
???: I’m Bluebunny.
Pluto: RedBomb?! I thought you died!
Bluebunny: Shh, you’ll blow my cover!
Pluto: Why are you trying out for baseball anyways?
Bluebunny: I really like hitting things.
Pluto: Fair enough, I guess.
(The baseball theme plays, which in this case is just the Now That’s Funny theme song)
Pluto: This isn’t the usual baseball tune…
Coach: You’re right, it’s the Now That’s Funny theme song! Don’t ask how I know that.
Pluto: Now that’s funny..
Coach: Alright, batter up, Pluto!
Pluto: Huh?! I’m batting first?!
Coach: Yeah, of course you are, kiddo. I have faith in ya.
Pluto: Let’s see what this pitcher has.
(The pitcher is literally Conner Malarky)
Pluto: Oh FUCK!
(Conner Malarky uses his dick to pitch the ball towards Pluto, which hits him on the leg)
Announcer: BALL!
(The announcer is incorrect, Malarky used his shaft.)
Pluto: Ow, that hurt.
Conner: Sorry, dude, I guess my member’s a bit too big.
Pluto: Don’t I take a base or something?
Coach: C’mon, Pluto, that’s not how the game works. You gotta get THREE balls to take first base. I should know this, I played Wii Sports as a child.
Pluto: Greeeat. The coach is fucking idiotic.
(Malarky pitches a 104 MPH fastball down the middle.)
Pluto: HOLY SHIT.
Umpire: Strike one!
Pluto: Damn it.
(Malarky pitches an 86 MPH curveball. Pluto obviously misses it)
Umpire: Strike two!
Pluto: God damn it.
(Malarky winds up the pitch and then throws a 101 MPH screwball. Pluto weakly hits it to the first baseman.)
Umpire: Out!
Pluto: God fucking damn it.
(Pluto has his head down as he walks over to the bench in shame)
Coach: Oh, relax, Pluto, at least you had a good hustle.
(Pluto looks visibly irritated at the coach)
Pluto: That’s the most participation trophy type shit I’ve ever heard.
Coach: (shrugs) That’s just the way it goes, son.
(Fade out to Pluto sulking in the hallway)
Pluto: “Good hustle”, he says. GOOD HUSTLE?! THAT FUCKING DICKWAD GOT ME OUT! It’s completely unfair!
Jess: Oh hey, Pluto.
Pluto: Hi, Jess. Is that sex offender still doing that presentation thing?
Jess: Well, he’s trying to make us all listen to his music while he attends to “important business” or whatever, but most of us have stopped bothering. Ariana Grande is SO much better anyway.
Pluto: Right. Want to hang out at the dorm?
Jess: Actually, I was wanting to go to CeX again. There’s this new game that came out yesterday that I still haven’t gotten.
Pluto: You mind if I come with? Need to get that baseball shit off my mind.
Jess: Fine with me. I’m gonna be driving the Queenmobile today.
Pluto: The what?
(Cut to Jess and Pluto in the college parking lot, where the Queenmobile indeed is parked)
Pluto: What the fuck? How did you get that?!
Jess: SpongeBot knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy’s cousin’s sister’s boyfriend’s dog.
Pluto: …yeah. CeX date here we go.
Jess: That sounds way worse than it actually is.
(Cut to Pluto and Jess arriving at CeX in the Queenmobile. They stop and get out)
British person: Oh my teapots, is that the QUEENMOBILE?!
Pluto: Uhh… yeah?
British person: Can I touch it?
Jess: (looks around, hesitates) No.
British person: (takes out a knife) I’ll give you a bit of London hospitality if I cannot touch it.
Jess: (groans) Fine.
British person: YAY!
(The British person starts weirdly touching the Queenmobile as Jess and Pluto look at each other in disgust)
Jess: Let’s just get inside…
(Inside the CeX, Jess starts looking for their new game)
Pluto: By the way, what’s this game even called?
Jess: Better Days: Quest for the Pill.
Pluto: Wasn’t that canceled ages ago?
Jess: Yeah, but a guy knew a guy who knew a guy who- anyway, it got into CeX stores.
Pluto: Wait, don’t you own this store? Why couldn’t you take it before it got stocked?
Jess: No, you’re mistaken. This is the CeX CeX store. The one I own is the Squidward Community College CeX store. See the difference?
Pluto: Uhh… sure.
Jess: (finds the game) Der it is! And only 8.99 pounds!
Pluto: So like 10 USD?
Jess: Bro I don’t know I’m not American. Probably though.
Pluto: Sweet. Is it multiplayer?
Jess: Yeah, you can be the one that prescribes the pills.
Pluto: …let’s just get out of here before I get even more mad.
Jess: Okay.
(Jess goes up to pay for the game, when they realize that the cashier is no other than…)
Jess: KEN STRINGFELLOW?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Pluto: (hand in face) Oh, god dammit..
Stringfellow: I, uh, funny you should ask. My… coworker just went into the bathroom. I’m gonna go check on her, okay? Just wait riiight here.
(Stringfellow enters the women’s restroom, and a woman screaming is heard)
Jess: Should we check it out?
Pluto: (pulls out his phone) I have a better idea.
Stringfellow: MY STRINGFELLOW IS ABORMALLY LARGE!
Pluto: More like your little Stringbuddy.
Stringfellow: SHUT UP, KID! I’M TRYING TO GET LAID!
(Shortly after, the cops show up at the CeX store)
Officer Panda: Where is he?
Pluto: (points to the open restroom door) In there.
Officer Panda: Thanks, kid.
(Stringfellow is then promptly arrested.)
Stringfellow: I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.
Pluto: Reminds me of a band.
Stringfellow: And what band may that be?
Pluto: Not yours, dickhead!
Jess: Sayonara, sex offender!
Stringfellow: I WILL BE BACK! I WILL BE- (gets tasered)
Pluto: Oh boy, season two foreshadowing… Terrific.
Jess: Season what now?
Pluto: Never mind, I’m just gonna go back to out dorm.
Jess: So no Quest for the Pill for you, huh?
(Pluto has already left; he took the Queenmobile)
Jess: GOD DAMN IT, NOT THE QUEENMOBILE!
(Cuts to Pluto in the Queenmobile)
Pluto: God, those British people went to town on this thing. Smells weird. Wonder what’s on the radio.
(Radio turns on.)
Disk jockey: Hello, Squidward Community College. It’s Whirlybird Griffin with the latest Chris-Chan news.
Pluto: God dammit Jess. This day just never ends.
(The episode ends on a zoom-out pan of the Queenmobile)
(EPILOGUE)
(Stringfellow is in his holding cell.)
Stringfellow: My Stringfellow… it's not working! (He sobs, pathetic bastard)
(EPILOGUE ends)
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