What Life D-D-Doth (Script)

█ Xavier
█ Clip
█ Burbury Computer
█ Burbury Woman
█ Burbury Redneck 1
█ Burbury Redneck 2
█ Chief Master Guru
█ Young Xavier
█ Army Man
█ Red Car Man
█ Unknown
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Xavier: What doth life? (Echoing: Life, life, life) Are we just fleshy blips in some meaningless stew of cosmic oblivion? Or is it vice-reversa? Is our every trollop through fate's garden infused with a mystic...
Clip: Hey, bunghole, cease that inner yapping.
Xavier: I don't want no trouble, mister.
Clip: Freak! If you didn't want trouble, you shouldn't have wandered into Burbury, Connecticut.
Xavier: Please, I'm just a simple seeker on a spirit quest to discover... What doth life? (Echoing: Life...)
Clip: We don't cottton to freaks here in Burbury, and we's done hate freaks with open, unquenchable cans of philosophical thirst-worms.
[Spits]
Xavier: You're gonna regret that.You've shattered my shakhashuri.
Clip: I hope y'all can play it 3 feet up your ass.
Xavier: Don't know. But I'd sure like to try.
Clip: What you gonna do, bird-beast, fly away on your cuddle bone?
Burbury Redneck 1: Yeah,cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-bone.
Clip: Best stay away from that weirdo. You'll catch the feline AIDS.
Burbury Redneck 1: Yeah, from me. M-m-m-meow.
Xavier: Do yourself a solid. Walk away. Just walk away.
Burbury Redneck 1: What's the matter, ch-ch-chicken? Frightened? Or do you prefer, what's the matter, chicken? F-f-frightened?
Xavier: Please walk away. You may need my help someday. Walk away. (Echoes: Walk away...)
Clip: Yeah, help me punch your neck off.
Burbury Computer: Wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-welcome to Burbury. What are you looking for?
Xavier: Well, ma'am, I suppose I'm seeking a deeper strata of truth. Perhaps you can answer the one question that has plagued thinkers for all time. What doth life?
Burbury Computer: One moment,please.
Processing.
Processing.
Processing.
Processing.
[Distorted] Processing.
Processing.
Depth overload.
Depth overload.
Burbury Woman: You all right,mister? Sorry our computer's fritzing on y'all.
Xavier: I'll be fine. I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed. (Sniffs) I suppose you'll be wanting to hear my story.
Burbury Woman: What?
Xavier: I don't like to tell people my story, but you... (Sniffs) you've been so very kind.
Burbury Woman: Actually, I have to get going.
[Echoes] Life.
Xavier: You could say it started when I was a kid. Like most folks, I've always been different, but not like the others. Other kids could be cruel. They'd call me names... dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeby chimp, honky dweeb, and, worst of all, chompsky honk (Echoes: Chompsky honk). Did you know there's over 87 combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way.
[Echoes]Life.
Adolescence was better. Went to the prom with a model, but she left with some jock.
Dyke.
But then I felt something in my gut... The palpable suspicion that I had a deeper calling in life (Echoes: Life). So I sought out the wisdom of the ancients, exploring the spirit realm of the soul (Echoes: Soul...).One day, tragedy struck. I was groping enlightenment in my bedroom, and before you could scream "murder by arson," our house was on fire. Couldn't save my parents. Coroner ruled it a simple case of death by mysterious fire, but I always sensed that there was something fishy about it. Needless to say, my so-called father was a scientist in some top secret capacity I've yet to unveil.
Yet...
Yet... yet... yet...
So now I wander the country, looking for the man who killed my father and, I suppose,seeking answers to less tangible questions of life (Echoes: Life...). If I help a few folks along the way, (Sniffs) so be it.
Burbury Woman: So, you use your powers to save people?
Xavier: Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow minds with my weapons-grade philosophical insights. I'm a thought-ocoster. I'm a conundrummer in a band called Life Puzzler.
Burbury Woman: All right, well, I'm taking off. Later.
Xavier: Hell, I've flipped more lids than a monkey in a soup kitchen of the mind (Echoes: Mind...). Does that make me a hero?
[Tires screeching]
Xavier: [Echoing]No.
Burbury Woman: Ow, that... That truck was nowhere near me.
Burbury Redneck 1: Is that f-f-freak h-harassing you? Or would you prefer "her ass in" you?
Xavier: I'm her protectorate. She owes her life to me, and now I'm her soul slave. That's good. Let me write that down.
"Write that down."
Burbury Woman: Oh, he's harmless. What y'all doing?
Clip: We got a load of computers from all around town which just got virus. We're on our way to dump them in the landfill.
Chief Master Guru: You must love the earth like you loved your mother. Kiss your mother, youngling. Go on. Harder. She wants it harder.
Young Xavier: It hurts.
Xavier: Don't sully the sacred landscape of our Mother Earth with those infected computers. Dump them in the lake where no one can see them.
Clip: Later, chompsky honk. [Laughter]
Burbury Woman: You gave me a nasty gash.
Xavier: I better take a look at you stat. I'm a certified Wahockamana healer. You see... (Sniffs)
Burbury Woman: Aw.
Xavier: ...I spent nine years as the pupil of a wise Apachestani shaman.
Burbury Woman: Please,I don't have time.
Xavier: Chief was deep. He was balls deep.He taught the way of the heal.
Chief Master Guru: In order to heal this wound, you must play a shakhashirisk wind trance.
Young Xavier: [Shakashuri plays]
Chief Master Guru: Your failure is merely a portent of disappointments to come. Confront your future.
Young Xavier: Wow, that's me years from now. I look cut. Hey, that's a nice chunk of chicken on my arm.
Xavier: Look, we're in his vision... my vision.
Burbury Woman: What the...
Xavier: Hey, shake hands with your future, old friend.
Ooh, frittata.
Later, chompsky honk. Yeah, I tricked the trickster. See, still got the scar to prove it.
Burbury Woman: I'm just gonna go take a shower.
Xavier: Look at the two of us. We can be like beauty and the beast. What do you say? Will you be my beast?
Clip: Yeah, dump them 'puters, boys. Dump 'em all. [Laughs]
Burbury Computer: Depth overload.
Depth overload.
Dep-dep-dep-dep- dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep- depth overload.
Xavier: Oh, peep show. Ooh, frittata, I'm watching a woman washing. I wish I could see myself watching washing.
What... the... f... water. The computer virus... it's in the lake.
Burbury Woman: What's happening to me?
Xavier: The virus is in the water.
Burbury Woman: What are you doing here?
Xavier: If the computer virus is infecting people, then I need to get a human virus to infecticide the computer.
Army Man: Welcome to the U.S. Army. How can I help you?
Xavier: I need some of that disease you guys invented.
Army Man: Crack?
Xavier: The other one.
Army Man: AIDS?
Xavier: That's the spice.
Army Man: You'll need to fill out an HC24-A requisition form.
Xavier: I don't have time for that.
Army Man: [Sighs]
I shouldn't do this, but here. Someone left this in the lost and found.
Xavier: Frittata. Just got to dump this load in that dirty 'puter's floppy slot and collect my kudos.
Clip: Hey, there's that freak beast what caused this plague upon us.
Xavier: You can all fret not. I have the cure right here.
Clip: Cure? Give me that.
Xavier: You don't want to drink that.
Clip: Ahh. Cure-alicious. Is it working?
Burbury Redneck 2: Yeah, clip, it's working.
Just go towards the light.
Clip: I'm scared. Is that you, grandmama? Oh, come here.
Burbury Redneck 2: Oh, clipple. Y'all just killed my best platonic male friend. And now I'm gonna beat your A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a...
Xavier: I thought you had the stutter.
Burbury Redneck 1: He seems to be stuck in some sort of a gl-gl-glitch. And you's the devil what brought computerized viral shame to our town. I'm gonna pound you down. Down... down... down... down... down... down... down... down... down... down... down... down...
Unknown: [squawking]
Unknown: Doo-doo-doo-doo.
Unknown: Dib-dib...
Xavier: Yowser, this town's gone bowser.
Burbury Woman: Freak any... Why'd I ever help that freak any... Why'd I ever help that freak any... Why'd I ever help that freak any...
Xavier: Can't stop thinking about me, huh? I know the feeling. Why are you doing this?
Burbury Computer: "What doth life" set my ponder circuits to spirit see beyond their capacity to digitally simulaculate. This is a defcom 5 level system-wide degenerative thought-tastrophe. Tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe...
Xavier: Now's not the best time, but your brother died of a shameful lifestyle choice.
Chief Master Guru: Youngling, you must tame the beast with your soul-soothing song.
Xavier: No time to gab. I've got to cobble together a makeshift shakhashuri to tame a certain beast. See yourself out. [Shakashuri plays]
Burbury Computer: That music... So soothing. It's the notes he's not playing. So relaxing. Returning. Restoring.
Burbury Woman: My arm.
Xavier: Just needed a hand to tame the beast.
Burbury Computer: System normalized.
Welcome to Burbury.
What are you looking for?
Xavier: All systems back to go, huh? I better just test you out to make sure you're safe. Here's a new little philosophical query for you to chomp on. (Sniffs)
Unknown: Oh, my god!
What a thought.
It's intense!
Xavier: Listen,this is never easy to say. You and I both knew what we had couldn't last. I do love you. But the love of my life is a lady named Ramblin' On. [Thinking] So maybe we are just blips in a void of nothingness. And now it's time for me to walk away. [Echoing] Walk away.
Red Car Man: Hey, where you headed, mister?
Xavier: Whichever path frau destiny sets beneath this seeker, this pupil of the universe is as good as any.
Red Car Man: Cool.Check this out.
Category:Scripts