Kiss'n Tell/Episode transcript

This is the episode transcript for "Kiss'n Tell". From TheSacredRealm.net
(Zelda is riding her horse through the woods. She is carrying a picnic basket.)
Zelda: That lazy Link! He said he'd go riding with me this morning and he's still asleep. Well phooey on him. I'll have fun by myself. 
Female Voice: Heeeelp me! 
Zelda: And maybe an adventure! Link'll be sorry he missed out. 
(She turns her horse around and finds a three-headed Gleeok trapping a girl against a rock.)
Zelda: Real sorry! Beautiful girls in trouble are what he lives for. 
Gleeok Head 1: What a scrumptious morsel. 
Gleeok Head 2: Darling, you look good enough to... eat. Mmmm. 
Girl: Oh I am lost! Will no handsome hero save me from this three-headed freak? 
Gleeok: Hey! Watch the insults will ya? (another head) Yeah, that's not in the script! 
Girl: I am getting into the part. (shouts) Will no-one save me? 
(Zelda throws an apple and hits one of the Gleeok's heads.)
Gleeok Head 1: Well, look who's here. 
Gleeok Head 3: Wrong one. We wanted Link. 
Gleeok Head 2: Improvise...
(All heads blow fire at Zelda.)
Zelda: Back off, Gleeok! (she throws another fruit into the middle head's mouth.) 
Gleeok Head 2: Oh. Grapefruit gives me heartburn. (the two outside heads blow more fire at Zelda.) See what I mean? 
Zelda: Eat these lemons, sourpuss! (She throws two lemons into the mouths of the outside heads.)
Gleeok Head 2: Hey, no fair! 
Girl: Uh, this is all wrong. Beautiful maidens are supposed to be rescued by handsome heroes, not other beautiful maidens. 
Zelda: Well hey, pardon me! (She attacks the Gleeok with the rest of the fruit and runs over to the girl.) Come on! 
Girl: No! I want to be rescued by a handsome hero. 
Link: Somebody call me? 
Girl: My handsome hero! It's about time you got here. 
Zelda: It's about time he got up. 
(Link winks.)
Gleeok Head 1: Ah! He's here at last. Ganon's plan is working perfectly. 
Gleeok Head 2: Nail him! 
(Link jumps onto the middle head.)
Gleeok Head 3: Toast him! 
(Link jumps as the two outside ones blow fire and they burn the middle head)
Gleeok Head 2: Hey! 
(Link lands back on the middle head, and zaps the two outer ones away.)
Gleeok Head 2: Ha! Serves em right! 
Link: Now for you! 
Gleeok: Oh no way! 
(Link falls down and grabs the tail.)
Link: Ha, Got you now Gleeok! 
Gleeok: Oh no, I got you! 
(Gleeok starts chasing its tail with Link hanging on.) 
Girl: My, he's so brave. 
Zelda: (Eating a banana, looking bored) Yeah, yeah, but let's get this over with. 
(Zelda throws the banana peel on the ground, and the Gleeok slips and falls over. Link zaps it.)
Gleeok: Oh well. Did my part. (Disappears.)
Link: That'll teach him to quit while he's got a head! (Turns and bows to the girl.) I am Link, professional zapper of dragons and rescuer of fair maidens. 
Zelda: Give me a break. 
Girl: Oh you saved me, my handsome hero. Please let me give you a kiss to show my gratitude. 
Zelda: Oh boy. 
Link: Now that's what I like to hear! Pay attention, Princess. You could learn something. 
(Zelda pokes her tongue out and turns her back.) 
Girl: My hero! 
(Link and the girl kiss. There is a bright flash. Zelda turns around.)
Zelda: Link! 
(Link is now a frog, and he is holding a Gibdo mummy.) 
Link: Jealous, Zelda? (He turns and sees the Gibdo and pushes her away)
Gibdo: What's the matter Link? You don't like my charms anymore? (Laughs) You fell for it! Ganon's plan worked perfectly. 
(Link reaches for his sword and sees his frog hands) 
Link: Huh? My hands! They're all weird. 
Zelda: Wait til you seet the rest of you. Let's go for a spin, Gibdo! (She pulls the Gibdo's bandages and defeats it) 
(at the Underworld)
Ganon: Excellent. You've done well me servants. Link has been transformed into a frog. (laughs) And with Link rendered practically useless, Zelda will be at my mercy. Now I will put the rest of my plan into action. When I return, Zelda will be with me. And Link will be gone forever! (Teleports away) 
(at the overworld)
Zelda: Brace yourself. You're not a pretty sight. 
(Link looks at his relection in a pond of water and gasps)
Link: No! That's not me! Tell me it's not true, Zelda. (begins to cry)
Zelda: Sorry...
Link: I'll never be able to face anyone again. I'm a monster. 
Zelda: I've seen worse! Hey, you still have me. I'll always be your friend. (She hugs Link) 
Link: Thank you, Zelda. 
(Ganon is hiding, watching them)
Ganon: Ah how sickeningly sweet. Enough mush, I've waited long enough for this moment. 
(Ganon zaps Link and Zelda apart)
Ganon: Let's see you hop, Frogface. 
(He zaps Link, forcing him to jump up out the way, and he hits his head on a tree branch. Zelda trips over a tree root and is grabbed by a giant Octorok.)
Zelda: Ganon, you fiend! Leave him alone! Haven't you done enough? 
Ganon: Of course not. (He summons two red spiders, Deelers.) You, take care of him. And you, my dear, are coming with me. (laughs) 
Link: (Opens his eyes and sees the Deelers) Yum! (He eats them with his long tongue, and then suddenly realizes) What did I just do? Ugh, I ate two red Deelers. Yucko. I don't think I can handle this frog lifestyle. 
(Back at the castle, Spryte is in Link's room looking for him)
Spryte: Link? Are you there? I guess he went riding after all. Maybe I'll clean things up while I'm here. 
Link: Spryte. It's me. No, don't look at me. 
Spryte: Why not? What's the matter? 
Link: Ganon put a spell on me. Prepare yourself for a shock. 
Spryte: Ah! You're a frog! 
Link: And Ganon's got Zelda! Will you help me, Spryte? 
(A fly flies past, and Link eats it with his tongue)
Spryte: Ah! That's a lethal weapon you have there. Keep it away from me. 
Link: Sorry. I can't help it. Frog instinct. 
Spryte: That's what worries me. So, what's the plan? 
Triforce of Wisdom: When one's in need of Sage advice, one must seek out the one who's wise. 
Link: Yeah. Like who? 
Triforce of Wisdom: The Witch of Walls will help you best, to find her you must make a quest. Seek the wall that has no end, beneath the bough that can not bend. 
Link and Spryte: Huh? 
(Outside, Link and Spryte are following a wall)
Spryte: The Triforce said, 'Seek the wall that has no end.' 
Link: This is the only long wall I know of in all of Hyrule. But it ends right up there. 
Spryte: No, it doesn't! See, it goes into the ground. 
Link: Wow, you're right! But where are we going to find a bough that does not bend? 
Spryte: Right here. 
(Link is startled and jumps up, hitting his head on the tree above)
Link: Ow! 
Spryte: That's an ironwood tree. You can't bend it, no matter how hard you try. 
Link: That's it. Now all I have to do is find this Witch of Walls. 
Witch of Walls: You called? 
(An ugly old witch emerges from the wall) 
Spryte: What is this? Ugly people day? 
Witch: Buzz off, fairy, or I'll use you for bait! 
Link: I'll handle this, Spryte, thanks. 
Spryte: Hmph. 
Link: Er, sorry to disturb you, ma'am, but Ganon put this spell on me and I gotta get back to my old self. Can you help me? 
Witch: Hm. Yes. Ganon may have his faults, but he does do the classics well. The cure is simple. You must be kissed by a Princess, of her own free will. 
Link: You call that simple? You know how long I've been trying to get Zelda to kiss me? And that was when I didn't look like a frog. 
Witch: I said the cure was simple, I didn't say it was easy! Now begone with you! I must return to my wall. 
Link: I sure hope Zelda will do it. I don't want to be a frog forever! 
(at the Underworld)
Ganon: Your father will pay dearly to get you back. The price? One Triforce of Wisdom. And perhaps a little kiss. 
Zelda: (Tied up) Try it and you'll lose some teeth, Pigface. Besides your plan will never work. Link will rescue me. He always does, it's his job. 
Ganon: Link? He's spider food by now. 
(Link is crawling along under a pathway in Ganon's lair)
Link: Did you hear that laugh? 
Spryte: Y-yes. Ganon! 
Link: Come on. We've gotta find where he's keeping Zelda. (He eats another fly) 
Spryte: (Screams) Stop that! Making me nervous. 
Link: Uh, sorry. I missed lunch. 
Ganon: What? Don't tell me Link is here. Even as a frog he causes trouble. Don't go away. I'll return. (He leaves to look for Link) 
Zelda: Don't go away he says. Like I have any choice. 
Ganon: Come out, hero. You cannot hide from me! 
Link: This way. (He zaps through a door and finds Zelda) Zelda, are you okay? 
Zelda: So far. Quick, cut me loose. (Link does so) Thank goodness you're here. 
Link: Thank goodness YOU'RE here! You're the only one that can make me human again. 
Spryte: (Giggles) Oh boy, this is going to be good. 
Zelda: How? 
Link: You have to kiss me. Please? A princess's kiss is the only cure. 
Zelda: Well, if it's the only way... Well then of course I will. 
(Ganon zaps Link and knocks him away) 
Ganon: Sorry, I like him the way he is. And you, princess, are still my prisoner!
Zelda: Not if I can help it, Ganon. 
Spryte: Oh Link, you poor thing. You've had such a hard day. 
(Spryte kisses Link on the cheek, and he is transformed back to normal)
Link: Ha. I'm me again! Take THIS, Ganon! (He zaps a tapetry above Ganon and it falls down and covers him)
Ganon: Blast it, Link! 
Link: Good idea! 
(He zaps a hole in the ground below Ganon and makes him fall through)
Zelda: Ganon's gone. 
Link: He'll teleport back as soon as he gets his wits together. We gotta get out of here! 
(He blasts a hole in the wall and jumps through with Zelda, and they run away. Ganon has just teleported back after they are gone)
Ganon: Oooh I'll get you, Link! I'll get you yet! 
(Link and Zelda are walking along a path back to the castle with Spryte)
Link: You know, one thing I don't get is the wall witch told me I had to be kissed by a princess to get cured. But Spryte's kiss did it. 
Spryte: Naturally. My father was the king of the fairies, you know. That makes ME a princess! 
Link: Well believe me, I'm glad I'm not a frog anymore. 
Zelda: I'm glad too. And thanks for rescuing me. You still want a kiss? 
Link: You bet! Oh boy! 
(As Zelda is about to kiss Link, a fly buzzes past and Link catches and eats it and then starts gagging)
Zelda: Ugh. Never mind! 
Link: It was an accident! An old reflex. 
Zelda: I'm grossed! (walks away)
Link: Aw, come on, Zelda. I didn't mean to. Old habits die hard, come on!