Cartoon Network Responds/Transcripts

These are the transcripts of the Cartoon Network Responds commercial bumpers.
==Intro==
This is where we take the time to answer letters and e-mail from you, our beloved viewers. Welcome to Cartoon Network Responds!
==Hillbilly Bears==
Here's a letter from Emily. "Dear Sir or Madam: Would you please show more of The "Hillbilly Bears?" My father likes to hear Pa grumble." Emily, your father has great taste. I, too, love The Hillbilly Bears. In fact, there's nothing I would rather do than to show more of this great show. But, Emily, the American Legal System has once again stepped in and mucked everything up! The Hillbilly Bears have lawyers, Emily. And these lawyers have informed me that The Hillbilly Bears now wish to be called, "The Mountain Dwelling Ursines of Appalachia." And since that's a pretty stupid sounding title, I've decided to have nothing more to do with them, and neither should your dad, and neither should you. We'll all be better off. Trust me. Stay tuned for more of your letters right here on Cartoon Network Responds. Until next time, pen pals!
==Jonny Quest==
Here's a letter from Anonymous. "Hey Cartoon Network! What happened to Jonny Quest? This is like when a new actor or actress takes over the part of one of your favorite characters on one of your favorite TV shows - except you've replaced the entire cast! I miss the original ones! Please remedy this mistake! Truly yours [Written as Yours Truly], Anonymous." Anonymous, since you feel so strongly about cast changes, let us be the first to tell you about the new cast lists for the fall season. Scooby-Doo will now be played by Kwicky Koala. Bugs Bunny will be replaced by Wally Gator. Dexter will be played by this man. And the real good news, we've listened to you about the cast of Jonny Quest, and changed it for the better. Say hello to The All New Brand New Cast Adventures of Jonny Quest! Thanks for the letter, Anonymous.
==Cartoon Network Rumors==
Here's a letter from Erik. "To Whom It May Concern: I have heard lots of rumors about Cartoon Network. I was wondering if these rumors were true." Oh, you mean the one about sweet little Pebbles. I am really tired of that story. One person thinks they saw her gambling once. Once, mind you! And all of a sudden, she has some problem. Well, let me tell you something, Erik, Pebbles Flintstone does not have a gambling problem. She can stop anytime she wants to. And I will further let you know that her gaming savvy has not only helped out her parents, but the Rubbles as well. You think that layabout Bamm Bamm has ever had a job? NO! It's up to cute, innocent little Pebbles to keep putting Bronto steaks on that table. All right?! Well... ooh. You think he means that other rumor. To answer your question, Erik, of course he crossdresses. Everybody knows that.
==Jim Carrey==
Here's a letter from Amy and Jeff. "Dear Sir or Ma'am: My son is six years old and he loves Jim Carrey. He talks like him, acts like him, and idolizes him! He can even act out all of his movies! A letter or photo or something of Mr. Carrey would be so fabulous for my son!" No problem, Amy and Jeff. Let's see... I've got Dexter, Yogi, Scooby-Doo, Kwicky Koala, Top Cat, Cow, Chicken, Fred Flintstone, Johnny Bravo, Porky Pig, those gelatinous things from The Herculoids, Sancho Panda, Fantastic Max, Wally Gator, the Wookiee thing from Thundarr, Huckleberry Hound, Big Dog, Little Dog, Underdog, Droopy Dog... Hmm, we don't see to have any pictures of Jim Carrey. That's probably because Cartoon Network doesn't show anything with Jim Carrey in it! Maybe you should write to the Jim Carrey Network! Did you ever think of that? Stay tuned for more of your letters right here on Cartoon Network Responds. Until next time, pen pals!
==Two Stupid Dogs==
Here's a letter from Ronald. "Dear Sir: This program that you call Two Stupid Dogs is one of the most vile programs for children on the air. Today, the small dog was swimming in a pool of spit from the big dog. This show is a flagrant disregard for decency, just to get a laugh. LET'S CLEAN THINGS UP OR GET OFF THE AIR!" Ronald, in answer to your question, that wasn't just any old spit. No, siree. Cartoon Network searched far and wide for the finest salivas available. Every day at dawn, saliva is lovingly collected from the mouths of hundreds of baby howler monkeys. This precious cargo is then flown via C-130s to Cartoon Network Headquarters where it is carefully parceled out to each and every episode of Two Stupid Dogs. So, Ronald, remember, we work this hard to get spit so you don't have to. Stay tuned for more of your letters right here on Cartoon Network Responds. Until next time, pen pals!
==Snorks and Smurfs==
Here's a letter from Elena. "Dear Cartoon Network: The only shows I watch your network are Snorks and Smurfs. That's all I have to say. I'm sorry if I sound bossy but this is the way I feel." Elena, we have a new show that's right up your alley. It's called SmurfSnorks! It's about these little blue creatures that live in an underwater forest. One of the really funny things about them is that they say "Smurfsnork" for just about everything. If one of them is hungry, he might say, "Boy, I'm smurfsnorked! I could really smurfsnork some smurfsnorkberry pie." Isn't that silly? It's really a hoot. And every episode you learn some sort of smurfsnorking lesson. Check it out! And Elena? Sometimes sounding bossy is the only way to get things done. Don't sweat it! Stay tuned for more of your letters right here on Cartoon Network Responds. Until next time, pen pals!
==Splotchy and Max==
Here's a letter from Jenny. "Hey Cartoon Network: I have an idea about a cartoon. It's called "Splotchy and Max." It's about a fire hydrant named Splotchy and a girl gorilla named Max. Her real name is Maxine. They get into trouble all the time." Thanks, Jenny. You know, today, let's do something different. A Friend of mine is going to answer that very special letter. "Dear Jennie, It has come to our attention that you have "developed" an idea for a cartoon named "Splotchy and Max," a cartoon about a fire hydrant named Splotchy and a girl gorilla named Max. Please be advised that Cartoon Network is currently working on a cartoon called "Mlotchy and Spax," It's about a fire hydrant named Mlotchy and a girl orangutan named Spax. Please cease and desist from stealing our material." You know, Jenny's cartoon sounds much funnier. You should sue, sister! Stay tuned for more of your letters right here on Cartoon Network Responds. Until next time, pen pals!
==Sweepstakes==
Here's a letter from the Warehouse of the Publishing American Families. "Congratulations, CARTOON NETWORK!!!!! You have made it to the Final Winners Round and have already won 113 million dollars*! Are you ready to claim your well-deserved prize, CARTOON NETWORK?" Wow! Are we ever! Whaa-haa! Did you hear that, everyone? We're millionaires! Cartoon Network is set for life! This is amazing! Wait a minute... there's an asterisk. "Hefty Smurf not eligible"?! Ooh, bad move, contest guys. You have no idea who you're dealing with!
==Hamster Cartoons==
Here's a letter from Heather. "Dear Cartoon Network: I was [just] wondering, have there ever been any hamster cartoon characters?" Heather, you're in luck! Have you ever heard of Squeaky Wheel Cacophonies? You see, years ago, under the superb direction of Savannah Mylar, Loochy Hamster and his sidekick Putz, the Wonder Turtle, ruled the silver screen. These hamster cartoons held a mirror up to our everyday society and said, "Hey there! Stop what you're doing and watch this kooky hamster cartoon." Children all over the world lined their rooms with cedar chips and rejoiced every time Loochy Hamster bested his nemesis Creme Brulé. This was the golden age of hamster cartoons. The simpler time where Loochy's catchphrase, "What's the scene, Lurlene?," was all it took to launch a small brownish rodent to superstardom! ...Oh wait a minute. Loochy was a gerbil. Sorry, Heather! Heh heh... heh...
==The Pirates of Dark Water==
Here's a letter from Laverne. "Dear Cartoon Network: What about the last episodes of The Pirates of Dark Water? I really, really want to know what happens to them!" Laverne, what a great question! You are in luck, because right here in my hand are the only existing copies of the lost, never before seen episodes of The Pirates of Dark Water! (Watch as the cat laps his milk. Lapping, and lapping, and lapping...) Hey, who's been messing with the tapes?! What the?! Aww, wouldn't you know it?! Somebody must have taped over the last episodes of The Pirates of Dark Water. Well, until next time, pen pals, stay tuned for more of your letters right here on Cartoon Network Responds.
==Cartoon Network Things To Do==
Here's an e-mail from Sharon Thompson. "Dear Cartoon Network: I am deeply disturbed by this [new] thing called "Cartoon Network Things To Do." The things you are suggesting that children do are appalling! Can't you at least add on a comment that [this] is a joke?" You're absolutely right. Without any further ado, I present to you and the world, the new and improved "Cartoon Network Thing To Do"!
It's time to do the thing today
The Cartoon Network Thing To Do
We say what we say to you
But you don't go do that thing we say
Because you really can't do that little thing
We're only kidding and pulling your leg
Well, that's it for that cartoon thing
Today's Cartoon Network Thing Not To Do
So you go on not doing that thing we said
And that way no one will get upset
At the Cartoon Network Thing Not To Do
Today's Cartoon Network Thing Not To Do!