Kirk Jerkems/3.0

Kirk Jerkems is a character role-played by Thio.
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==🦏 General Description ==
Kirk Jerkems is a mullet-loving madman from Kona, Alabama. He regularly introduces himself with the catchphrase "First we Kirk'em then we Jerk'em" whenever he meets someone new. He enjoys clowning around with the Clowncil, robbing houses, evading police, and competing in street races (Kirk's RV finished to become the fastest house in Los Santos). Sometimes he accepts invitations to boost cars and robs banks (he helped The Stable rob the City Vault at the beginning and end of their life span).
Heralding himself as the "Professor of Methematics", Kirk loved methamphetamine and methamphetamine accessories. His main ambition in life was to produce and smoke "copious amounts of methamphetamine". As the primary meth cook for The Stable, Kirk was part of the third group to ever complete a big meth run. He is 4-1 in big meth runs. Kirk finally retired from the meth game after his second drug trafficking conviction for it and the seizure of both of his meth tables.
Kirk is often unemployed and has a long history of getting fired from his legal jobs. On May 27, 2021, he was hired at the Rooster's Rest as security after Augusta Carlin recommended him. During a dry period, Kirk began twatting about the Rooster's Rest selling "people pokers" in order to attract customers. These syringes were full of the drug metamorphine. CEO Penny Farthing subsequently fired Kirk from the Rooster's Rest on November 17, 2021. After Kirk flashed a gun at Penny at the Rooster's Rest, an irate Lang Buddha chased Kirk in prison and stabbed him with a shank. On February 2, 2022, Lang offered Kirk his Rooster's Rest job back in exchange for 30,000 materials within 48 hours. As Kirk chopped cars struggling to make the deadline, Nancy Drew secretly gave him $50,000 to help him buy mats from other choppers. On February 7, 2022, Kirk finally delivered the 30,000 mats he grinded to an impressed Lang and triumphantly got his Rooster's Rest security job back from Penny. Unfortunately, Kirk eventually lost it again from clowning around too much. Kirk also used to work regularly at Burger Shot until the owner Shelly Smith fired him for his blackmail shenanigans against her and Scruffy Doodle.
On December 11, 2023, Kirk jumped in a plane with the Clowncil and flew out of Los Santos to war with the Mimes.
==🐎 The Stable ==
In Kirk's early days in Los Santos he ran into Richard Chiclets who introduced him to the other founding members of 4EQ. They later branded Kirk into The Stable where he became the head of their methamphetamine production and a getaway driver. During Kirk's time in The Stable, he met Abner Vaca with whom he founded the "Bandito Boys".
First City Vault Heist
On June 26, 2021, The Stable successfully completed its first City Vault heist. As the two getaway drivers Richard Chiclets and Kirk held hostages at the two entrances, Nancy Drew cheered Mick Flair's successful first-time hacks into the upper vault. Responding officers to the robbery were Jeffrey Bundy, Sexton Hardcastle, Dwayne Carter, Anthony Copleone, and Sam Baas. During the getaway, the group swapped into two separate cars. Dick and Mick escaped clean with all of the dirty money, but Baas and Carter caught Kirk and Nancy. Officer Bundy and Officer Hardcastle interrogated Nancy about Vault Tec, and began an investigation of the company. But after a week of investigation, the case was closed without any arrests on July 7, 2021.
Meth Trafficking with The Stable
Despite Thomas Dwayne's concern about Kirk's limited schedule, Mick Jhonson insisted that Kirk's love of meth made him a perfect candidate for running meth cooks in the public labs. Kirk took great pride in the meth strain he created, 51-rhinoceros.
On one memorable occasion at the end of August 2021 when Kirk and Thomas were disguised as local construction workers to corner meth at Rogers scrap yard, they fled from police and drove their car into the ocean. After Kirk dumped his meth and was handcuffed, Thomas rammed the police cruiser while Thom Yung successfully nabbed Kirk right out from under the officers' noses in a separate getaway car.
In September 2021 during Sexton Hardcastle's SCU investigation of "Mickolas and Friends" for drug trafficking, Hardcastle was impressed by a new Stable scam where Kirk, Thomas, and Smooth Williams cornered meth in broad daylight under the guise of a mobile taco truck business (Charros de Caballeros). They concealed their meth handoffs with "boxes full of tacos" and umbrellas, with Kirk at one point handing off the meth to a local customer right in front of Hardcastle. During Mick's long absence from the city, Kirk took over as the group's primary meth cook, received keys to The Barn, and was promoted to Senior Stable hand.
First Big Meth Run
After meeting with Bondi Boys MC members Jordan Lee and Olivia Garcia to share what they all knew about the wholesale meth export, Kirk and Nancy Drew hatched a proposal for both crews to science the big meth run together. At the beginning of October 2021, Nancy negotiated an alliance between The Stable and the BBMC with Irwin Dundee: both crews would try to cook half of what the meth export required and then split payment based upon whatever percentage each crew ended up contributing. To Kirk's bitter disappointment, Dundee eventually dropped the BBMC out of the deal because he found out that they'd have to transport forty pillows worth of meth in an armored car that the police could track and didn't want to risk the 9's for such a low payout. Undeterred, Kirk and the rest of The Stable continued to cook so that they could run the meth export themselves. Almost every Stable member cooked their own raw meth batches to discover the name of their own personal strain. Amusingly, Abner's meth strain came out to 58-rhinoceros like Kirk's.
On October 18, 2021, The Stable risked all-or-nothing on their first ever big meth run. Kirk huddled with The Stable at the Vinewood Racetrack for inspirational words from their leader Dick Chiclets. Then a four-person Stable team comprised of Dick, Thomas Dwayne, Kirk, and Abner Vaca delivered the forty meth pillows (containing all of The Stable's meth strains) to the wholesale meth exporter. After a surprise ambush from half a dozen local security guards, Kirk and Abner drove behind an armored kuruma that Dick and Thomas had carjacked to transport the meth. At a parking lot by the purple dinosaur where Richard had to pick up 10 spray bottles of "floor cleaner," Abner almost blew up the kuruma by refueling it while the engine was still on. When the kuruma's 37A tracker ping drew pursuit from Lt. Jeffrey Bundy and a cadet partner, Kirk and Abner ran interference. Bundy pit Kirk's intruder car, sending their clown hostage flying out of the trunk. Eventually, the Stable team successfully mag dumped both Bundy and his partner in a pincer movement. Once Dick dropped off the meth and stashed the payout in The Barn, Kirk, Abner, and Thomas celebrated jubilantly and saluted their stolen car in a gas explosion.
Wolfe's Sacrifice
On October 26, 2021, the day of the Stable wedding between Dick Chiclets and Marie Ortiz at the Vinewood Racetrack, Kirk was Dick's best man. Prior to the ceremony--in a fateful meeting in front of Diamond Casino and Resort--patched BBMC hacker Wolfe McCreedy (one of Kirk's best friends) warned him about trouble brewing between the Bondi Boys MC and The Stable because Abner Vaca had been caught name-dropping them in a public meth lab. Kirk informed him of Abner's "seven-day vacation" for an unrelated looting issue. Unbeknownst to Kirk, BBMC members would misinterpret Nancy and Dick's uneasiness as "high alert" and stubbornly cling to the suspicion that Wolfe had snitched their secret that Irwin Dundee wanted to "hunt" The Stable. Some time after Kirk figured out that the BBMC had blooded Wolfe out (due to his post-mag dump amnesia about the BBMC and Olivia Garcia's denial of ever knowing him), Kirk robbed a Fleeca Bank with Wolfe and discovered that he had been mag dumped and disavowed by the BBMC for refusing Dundee's direct order to lure in and torture Kirk.
Second Big Meth Run
On the night of November 9, 2021 as Kirk beamed about The Stable's marathon day of meth cooking, he accidentally interrupted a police raid on his own apartment. Lt. Jeffrey Bundy had come to search the apartment for illegal guns, but instead found three pillows of Kirk's meth strain 51-rhinoceros. Stunned by this unfortunate turn of events, Kirk pleaded not guilty to drug trafficking. Three days later on November 12, 2021, Kirk joined The Stable on a mission to smuggle all of their meth out of The Barn despite a tip-off that Det. Sexton Hardcastle had been staking out the property. Dick Chiclets, Thomas Dwayne, and Xavier Valentine stormed into the warehouse as Kirk, Abner Vaca, and Marie Ortiz scouted out the area for police surveillance. Kirk and Marie then drove in a three-car Stable convoy to guard the armored Landstalker SUV that Dick and Thomas had carjacked to transport the meth. To Kirk's horror, Air-1 and a tidal wave of police cars led by Hardcastle swarmed after the armored SUV. As Kirk ran interference and got pitted by cop cars, he launched through the windshield and joined up with Abner for a last stand by the Bandito Boys. Kirk and Abner managed to gun down Hardcastle before succumbing to a hail of PD bullets. Meanwhile, Dick and Thomas drove away to safety having successfully dropped off the last of The Stable's meth.
As a consequence of the three seized 51-rhinoceros meth pillows, Kirk and Abner accepted Bundy's plea deal and turned themselves into Hardcastle and Hayes on November 21, 2021. Kirk served three days in prison for drug trafficking; Abner served two days in prison for accomplice to drug trafficking. During Kirk's time in prison, all of the city's public and private meth labs became sealed off preventing him from ever cooking his beloved rhino strain again. However, Nancy Drew delighted Kirk with life-changing news that once he got out of prison, he could purchase a placeable "meth table" to cook on.
The End of The Stable
On Kirk's first day on the job as security for the Diamond Casino Hotel, he, Abner Vaca, and Marie Ortiz burst into the Angels' unlocked room 318 (blacked out with guns instead of wearing their casino hotel employee uniforms) and heatedly argued with Randy Bullet to stop cooking meth there. Randy's complaint to casino hotel owner Dean Watson led CEO Bunny to fire Kirk, Abner, and Marie from the hotel staff (and evict Stable leader Thomas Dwayne from his hotel room at Lang Buddha's behest). Kirk was also forced to give up his beloved meth table to the Angels. Kirk decided to leave the group on December 7, 2021 because he got tired of his actions hurting The Stable. Despite the rocky situation that led to his departure, Kirk remained on very good terms with the people from the group.
Before The Stable broke up at the end of 2021, Kirk did one last City Vault job with them on December 14, 2021. Another bank crew of Ivan Samarsky, Dwayne "Wiked" Flores, and Yair Lamas attempted to breach the same bank, gunning down getaway driver Dick Chiclets and shooting at Xavier Valentine as he hacked his first ever upper vault. Kirk gunned down Wiked while he attempted to breach from the back entrance. Xavier had to lock pick The Stable's own getaway car as he, Kirk, and Thomas Dwayne faked engine turning noises. During A.J. Hunter's pursuit of them, Ivan and Yair shot out their tire and Xavier flew out of the windshield. Once Xavier got back in, Thomas dropped him off at the swap car, plodded along on three wheels, and then crash-landed a jump. Kirk flipped the car back over while the pursuing police car took cover waiting for backup. Thomas and Kirk then made it to the water and dove in. Marie Ortiz rammed the police car off the dock, picked up Kirk, and drove off with a handcuffed police officer riding along with them on their windshield. Kirk jumped into a swap car and picked up Xavier from his disabled car. A.J. flipped their car over and caught both Xavier and Marie. The police chased Kirk into the tunnels, finally shooting him down through a wall. Thomas successfully swam away with half of the loot.
==👥💰 Bandito Boys ==
As Kirk and Abner Vaca began 2022 building their own meth empire from the ground up, Kirk's lifelong dream to own his own private meth lab started off on the wrong foot. He had lost one meth table to Randy Bullet and the Angels and one meth table to turf rivals Chang Gang Street Team. Terrified that all of the meth labs would be gone before he could buy one, Kirk set up a timer and diligently cooked his new strain on two placeable meth tables while Abner sold the meth to keep the operation running smoothly. Kirk stockpiled the meth pillows in a "Bandito Bunker" that he shared with Abner and Xavier Valentine, sold pillows to Mortelle, attempted to pitch wholesale meth runs, recruited Rocky Topps as a meth distributor, and took over The Stall payments from Thomas Dwayne. On January 18, 2022, Kirk hit Level 2 on his placeable meth table, doubling his meth pillow production. Unfortunately, the paint thinner required for Level 2 cooks emptied Kirk's entire bank account.
The End of the Bandito Boys
On January 23, 2022, disaster struck when Abner permanently moved to Afbanistan (taking all of his money, Block Gang buyers, and meth distribution services with him). Kirk also suffered mishaps such as a meth table explosion (that gave both him and Thomas amnesia) and a near-death encounter with three great white sharks near the island he cooked on. By January 26, 2022, Kirk had cooked and stockpiled sixty-three whole meth pillows in the Bandito Bunker with no potential buyers or sellers. Desperate and broke, Kirk resorted to cornering the meth himself at bottom-level prices while Rocky, Nancy Drew, Marie Ortiz, and Bunny rallied to find wholesale buyers for him. Finally to Kirk's relief on January 29, 2022, Bunny successfully brokered a deal for Lester Sweets to buy forty of Kirk's meth pillows for $100,000. Realizing that friends were more important than a private meth lab, Kirk turned off his meth timer, let Roman Shacks and Ursula Leichenberg off the hook for Roman's name-dropping to Adeline, and grinded 30,000 materials for Lang Buddha to get rehired at Rooster's Rest.
==🤡 Clown Cartel ==
As Janky the Clown, Kirk began to regularly hang out with his chaotic friend Chatterbox, Scruffy Doodle, and the Clown Cartel. On February 7, 2022, Kirk helped them (and a random stranger named Ajax) loot Bobcat Security for their first time. No police responded. On February 11, 2022, the police arrested Cindy Tipton with twelve meth baggies and an illegal beretta M9, subpoenaed her bank and phone records, locked down her warehouse (full of enough guns and weed for trafficking charges), and attempted to get a search warrant for it.
Third Big Meth Run
Despite the danger of another drug trafficking investigation and SCU Det. Demi Black pushing for a raid of Cindy's warehouse, Kirk decided to throw caution to the wind for his clown family. He fronted forty of his own meth pillows for a big meth run with the Clown Cartel on February 11, 2022. Chatterbox drove the armored car with Scruffy Doodle as an armed passenger; Kirk drove an interceptor/scout car with Cindy Tipton as an armed passenger; and Tighty Whitey drove the other interceptor/scout car with Blue Storm as an armed passenger. To Kirk's pleasant surprise, no police responded. He proudly took a $155,000 cut for the cost of the meth cooks. To Cindy's relief, the police had to unlock her warehouse because Det. Black's search warrant had been denied. Kirk stressfully helped Cindy move all of her guns and weed boxes to a temporary location.
Ironically on February 12, 2022, Dick Chiclets' weed triggered a chain reaction of police raids led by Randy Wrangler. The Street Crimes Unit raided Dick's apartment, Maison Ricard, Bunny's warehouse, Marie Ortiz (mere days after she had returned four meth pillows to Kirk for the big meth run), and Cindy's warehouse (mere hours after she had cleaned it out). Amusingly, Tracy Martell balked at Kirk's bag of baby turtles inside of Marie's beachside house.
Meth Trafficking with the Clown Cartel
In a new plan to reclaim The Stable's old meth spot at Rogers scrap yard from the smaller gangs, Kirk had the Clown Cartel corner meth there to raise the reputation. On February 23, 2022, Corporal Sexton Hardcastle caught Chatterbox with 10 meth baggies at the scrap yard, but Kirk (disguised as Janky) popped out of a nearby bush and rescued Chatterbox while Corporal Lily Pond and the other officers were busy arresting their lookout Scruffy. Two days later, Hardcastle found out that Det. Demi Black had been looking for that same meth strain in the Mortelle warehouse that Corporal Lea Nova and Lt. Matthew Espinoz had raided earlier in the day.
On March 1, 2022, Kirk helped Chatterbox, Easton, and a reluctant Ursula Leichenberg shoot up Roman Shacks at the Fun Factory for making their divorce contentious and for leaking Kirk's secrets to Damien Tinkerman. With Ursula fully onboard, the Clown Cartel expanded their meth operations with more storage, two new meth tables, another meth cook, and more meth slingers. On March 12, 2022, Cpl. Lea Nova and Capt. Randy Wrangler raided Chatterbox after they caught him with the same meth strain for the third time. Nova, Wrangler, and Capt. Tracy Martell also raided Kirk as an accomplice to Chatterbox's meth cornering for hitting Sgt. Brian Knight off his bike with a hammer.
First S+ Boost
On March 18, 2022, the Clown Cartel joined Xavier Valentine on his S+ boost of a Sentinel Classic 6STR--a car that Kirk would later complain handled like a "Flinstones car". When Xavier forewarned a homeowner that a boost was about to happen next-door, she identified herself as Lt. Anita May. Chatterbox and Stumbles Fumbles gunned down the locals. As Kirk struggled to drive while Xavier hacked the tracking device, a rambling Irwin Dundee crashed head-on into them and flew out the windshield. Then Chatterbox crashed the interference car into a palm tree and flew out the windshield. After Xavier successfully one-shot all 15 of the S+ hacks, the police mag dumped Stumbles and Chatterbox in their interference car. Kirk and Xavier then lost a firefight with the police and all four of them went to jail.
==🤡 Clowncil ==
After Kirk provoked Pandora, Ursula quit the Clown Cartel and donated $100,000 to them as a parting gift. Chatterbox convinced the Clown Cartel to operate less like a criminal gang and rebrand themselves to the Council of Clowns. Burger Shot owner Shelly Smith fired Kirk from the restaurant for his blackmail shenanigans against her and Scruffy Doodle. Then on April 19, 2022 due to an update in the crime apps that made gang membership a prerequisite, Kirk and the clowns assumed they lost access to meth cornering (but Kirk didn't mind because he had burnt himself out on meth trafficking).
Return of the Mick
Starting on March 22, 2022, beloved Stable leader Mick Jhonson began calling out for help with cryptic texts. Following several phone calls for help from Mick and Nancy Drew's twat of "STABLE ASSEMBLE", all of the original Stable OGs including Kirk and Lizzie reunited on April 27, 2022 to search for Mick with his long-time fiance Jessie Jugg, Nancy's BBMC friend Collin McKinley, and Ursula Leichenberg. After they sleuthed that Melbert Rickenbacker had left Mick for dead at the Kortz Center and Ursula's alternate personality Gracie had nursed him back to health there, The Stable played a game of cat-and-mouse with Mick's captor: a gunman blacked-out with a cowboy hat named "The Highwayman". Kirk, Xavier, Dick, Rocky, Nancy, and Collin converged on The Highwayman at the Los Santos International Airport, exchanged gunfire with him, and managed to rescue a starving Mick from one of the hallways. The police chased Collin, Dick, and Nancy from the airport, recovered a comatose Mick from their trunk, and admitted him into the ICU. The next day on April 28, 2022, Sgt. Sexton Hardcastle escorted a comatose Mick out of the ICU so he could marry Jessie Jugg in a "MatriMania" wedding. Mick woke up near the end of the ceremony to proclaim "I WOOOOO!"; then a yeti crashed the wedding and triggered a battle royal. Afterward, Mick was shocked to learn that The Stable had disbanded and that Kirk had given up on meth.
First ATM Heist
On April 29, 2022, Kirk finally found a tow rope during a house robbery. As a trial run, he, Xavier Valentine, Rocky Topps, Chatterbox, and Delver Lee disguised themselves as construction workers to test Fat Tony's tow rope on the Burger Shot ATM. As Fat Tony tried to attach the rope from the ATM to their bison pickup truck, Cadet Piper Paisley rolled up on them and they aborted. During Fat Tony's second attempt, Piper returned to see their pickup truck tethered to the Burger Shot ATM trying to yank it out. As the ATM refused to budge and the truck repeatedly bounced off of it like a yo-yo, the police eventually captured them all except for Xavier. During the clowns' third attempt on May 2, 2022, Kirk, Rocky, and Stumbles Fumbles watched Chatterbox attach Kirk's tow rope from a Sadler pickup truck to a beachside 24/7 supermarket ATM (with a getaway motorboat anchored nearby). Chatterbox drove the truck and repeatedly tugged on the ATM for about seven minutes until finally it popped out of the wall. Kirk searched the ATM and stole $2412 from it, then lock picked it open to find 15 marked bills and a green phone dongle inside. No police responded.
Fugitive from the 9's for "Terrorism"
On May 28, 2022, Kirk publicly mag dumped his "bully" EMT Randy Bantham with a Mac-10 at the Pillbox Medical Center lobby doorway for refusing to apologize for a "no-ballsing" incident involving Capt. Jeffrey Bundy's girlfriend Dr. Lennon McDermitt (then angered Scruffy Doodle by selling him the hot gun). Fleeing a terrorism HUT charge on the technicality that he shot a paramedic inside of a hospital, Kirk stayed in constant disguise with a bicycle in a plan to outrun the 60-day statute of limitations. However, Kirk found out that Bundy extended his arrest warrant to one year.
In a prank on June 2, 2022, the clowns dressed up as daredevil Kirk to lure the police into a wild golf cart chase. After Kirk baited the police with a Burger Shot ATM withdrawl, the police rounded up Chatterbox, Cupcake, BonBon, and a clown-dressed Stumbles Fumbles. The police threated to charge them with "accessory to terrorism after-the-fact" HUT charges if Kirk didn't turn himself in. He was then stunned to read in the newspaper that all four of them had received the 9's. Later, Chatterbox revealed to Kirk that their arresting officers had faked the HUT sentences and would start subpoenaing phone records. Sgt. Sexton Hardcastle also spoke to two judges who cited terrorism as the precedent the DOJ had to adhere to for Kirk's hospital shooting.
Represented by attorney Scarlett Winters, Kirk finally turned himself in on June 11, 2022, and was released on $75,000 bail with the conditions that he couldn't contact witnesses, wear clown masks (only clown face paint), or commit a violent crime. Special Prosecutor Odessa Glafx and Hardcastle initially pushed terrorism charges for 6 years in prison and $400,000 in fines. However, two weeks later Odessa Glafx dropped the case because Randy Bantham had decided against pressing charges. Judge Norman Adams dismissed the case without prejudice, and Kirk received a full refund on his bail bond.
Meth Trafficking with the Clowncil
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Two weeks into the Clowncil's war against Chang Gang, Kirk tried to broker a deal with CG on September 2, 2022 to corner meth in Little Seoul. However, Kirk gave up on a deal when Mr. K stipulated that the clowns acquire their own meth lab first. As the Clowncil planned a negotiation with Gulag Gang next, Kirk paid $240,000 worth of table fees to reactivate both of his meth tables. On September 15, 2022, Kirk began cooking meth again. The Clowncil paid Marty Banks weekly for the clowns to corner the meth baggies on Gulag Gang's turf. By September 23, 2022, Kirk had hit Level 3 on his placeable meth table.
First Fleeca Bank Heist for Valuable Goods
On October 14, 2022, the Clowncil used Xavier Valentine's access codes and X Coin to rob valuable goods for the first time from a Fleeca Bank by Pink Cage. Xavier hacked the thermite, the green laptop, the decrypter, drills, and the MZE-encrypted tracked goods successfully. Kirk, Chatterbox, and BonBon helped drill the safety deposit walls. Kirk hacked/untangled the UTGL-encrypted tracked goods. No police responded, and the clowns got away in a box truck without having to swap into the rented helicopter they had parked atop the movie studio rooftop. Xavier collected 114 X Coin and $105,750 worth of inked money bags and marked bills.
Drug Trafficking Investigation of the Clowncil
As Kirk stockpiled meth pillows in preparation for a big meth run, an old archenemy from his past with The Stable caught his scent again. On November 25, 2022 while Giblets and Kirk (both in their clown masks) were stockpiling weed in the "Bandito Bunker" (a warehouse owned by the Natural Born Crackheads doctor and once shared with "Bandito Boy" Abner Vaca), SCU Det. Eryn Carter and Officer Lucas Lovesick spotted them and Kirk's Wastelander outside. When Kirk confronted Lovesick about it, he intimated that they were "trafficking marijuana" and then fled in a police car. The next day, SCU Det. Sexton Hardcastle began helping Det. Carter patrol the area, stake it out, and watch individuals go in and out of the warehouse (and ignored Kirk's dumpster bait). However, their questioning of an incognito Kirk confirmed his misgivings that the police were watching the Bandito Bunker--forcing him and Giblets to screen everything they held and wore at the property going forward. Hardcastle told Deputy Chief Jeffrey Bundy that he would start compiling a membership list of the clowns.
To Kirk's sadness, he and Jeffy wound up selling the Bandito Bunker on January 9, 2023 because the Clowncil enemy R.U.S.T. had identified Jeffy as the warehouse owner and kidnapped him (in retaliation for Kirk ocean dumping R.U.S.T. member Bruno Brown in the icy Alamo Sea to make him forget seeing that clowns had come out of the Bandito Bunker). Afterward, Hardcastle ended up dropping the case.
Kirk's Face-off with Mayor Mickey S
On December 9, 2022, Mayor Mickey S sought revenge on Kirk for wearing his face around the city (that the Block Gang had surgically helped Kirk steal on December 1, 2022). Mickey (still recovering from a surgically reconstructed face) paid the Gulag Gang a five million dollar bounty to kidnap Kirk for a face-off. Mickey had Zuck Cuc plant a hot class-2 AKS-74u Zenitco assault rifle on Kirk, to frame him for Mickey's illegal purchase of it during an undercover sting by Assistant Chief of Police Den Shiesty and Sgt. John Mineo. Mickey also planted his phone on Kirk, tipped Deputy Chief Jeffrey Bundy that Kirk had stolen a Cerberus helicopter, parachuted out of the helicopter with Kirk still inside, and led Bundy and Cpl. Shelby Lane to the top of the building where the helicopter crashed. Afterward, Shelby puzzled Bundy with news that the AR serial number matched a hot firearm that had gone missing from the PD evidence locker. Kirk claimed to Bundy that the Blocks had forced Mickey's face on him, and that Mickey and blacked-out gunmen planted the hot AR firearm on him. The surgeons removed Mickey's face from Kirk, and Bundy jailed Kirk on a 24-hour investigative hold. Given that CPD Peacekeeper Han Velsing originally investigated the theft of Mickey's face, Bundy left it to him whether to push terrorism charges on Kirk.
Clown War with the BBMC
By the end of 2022, the Clowncil had gotten its own gang app. Going into 2023, Kirk had heavily ramped up his meth production. GSF hangaround Paulie Costello even arranged a deal with Kirk to supply one of GSF's blocks with wholesale meth pillows. On January 6, 2023, Kirk reached Level 4 on his placeable meth table. Unfortunately, he and Jeffy Coldiron had to sell their beloved "Bandito Bunker" on January 9, 2023 because the Clowncil's enemy R.U.S.T. had burned the warehouse location and owner.
Kirk's bad blood with the Bondi Boys MC dated back to 2021 when they blooded out one of his oldest friends in the city, Wolfe McCreedy, for refusing Irwin Dundee's direct order to lure in and torture Kirk. Kirk also had a falling out with one of his oldest friends Nancy Drew because during her 2022 BBMC Thanksgiving feast at Queen Manor, the clowns' backyard grenade prank (coordinated by Chatterbox and BBMC Prime Minister Barry Benson) upset her. Chatterbox and Kirk then angered the BBMC with another prank where they secretly vandalized the empty Billabong with another gang's spray (then denied doing it). As retaliation for that, Wolfe, and Kirk kidnapping Garry Roche from Vespucci Beach, Barry and Collin carved Wolfe's name into Kirk and burned him alive in a mineshaft on November 27, 2022.
After Chatterbox prank called BBMC pretending to be Chaos Legion MC in order to incite a war between them, the BBMC and Clowncil began feuding. However on January 23, 2023, the war turned serious when the BBMC stormed the Funhouse and burned Giblets to death. The next day, clown associate Damien Tinkerman went to Purgatory in a deal with Norman Bones to help the Clowncil against the BBMC. After the escalating violence resulted in Kirk losing his left arm, the clowns and BBMC negotiated a cease fire.
First Paleto Bank Heist for Valuable Goods
The Clowncil first tried to rob Paleto Bank (Blaine County Savings Bank) on January 16, 2023, with new clown member Mr. Ratchet guiding them through the steps. Kirk electrocuted himself into unconsciousness on the local power station, a PD officer opened fire on one of the clown Wastelanders fleeing the area, and no one was able to successfully hack the blue laptop on Paleto Bank's final vault door.
On January 25, 2023, Mr. Ratchet, Kirk, Chatterbox, BoomBoom, and Stumbles Fumbles attempted the Clowncil's second Paleto Bank heist for valuable goods, with Tanner Johnson hacking the blue laptop successfully this time. The heist crew looted the valuable goods inside of the vault, and unsuccessfully fled in RVs from the police. However, Mr. Ratchet was able to grapple away to safety with all of the loot.
Fourth and Fifth Big Meth Runs
Making use of fallen clown comrade Giblets' leftover meth pillows, the Clowncil ran their second-ever big meth run in his honor on January 26, 2023. After handing over 50 meth pillows, Chatterbox, Kirk, Mr. Ratchet, and BoomBoom gunned down the local security guards. Chatterbox drove the armored kuruma with Kirk and Mr. Ratchet as passengers, and picked up the 10 spray bottles of floor cleaner (and a new 60-minute time limit). BoomBoom drove the interference car, Stumbles Fumbles set up a bus block at red garage, and Happy D'Klown set up a separate bus block by Burger Shot. After Chatterbox dropped off the floor cleaner by the NBC docks, he picked up his payment of $290,835. No police responded, and the Clowncil kept the armored kuruma for awhile.
On March 15, 2023 in a wooded Grapeseed spot, an unmasked Kirk was cooking on his meth table when Officer Han Velsing rolled up on him. Although Kirk got away, the police locked down and raided his house in Grapeseed, seizing a meth table and at least 10 pillows of his signature 98-grouse meth.
During Kirk's wait to get charged with drug trafficking, the Clowncil emptied 50 meth pillows out of their warehouse for their third-ever big meth run on March 16, 2023. After the clowns gunned down the armed security guards, Chatterbox drove the armored car with Kirk in the passenger seat. While Kirk was refueling the armored car at the Seaside gas station, a police car rolled up on them and narrowly missed Kirk with a taser shot. Chatterbox blasted down the highway as other police cars joined in on the chase and started getting aggressive. Happy D'Klown, BoomBoom, Stumbles Fumbles, and Pete Griffin all ran interference. When Chatterbox hit a turn too hard, the armored car broke on a wall by Los Santos Customs. Happy picked up Kirk. Stumbles picked up Chatterbox, but they both got caught and arrested. Kirk picked up Pete in a helicopter. Chatterbox and Stumbles ended up serving light sentences for the 10 spray bottles of floor cleaner in the trunk.
First Oil Rig Heist
On March 21, 2023, the Clowncil received their Gang Flag and gang spray for the Funhouse. That same day, Freddy Fastfingers guided Kirk, Chatterbox, BonBon, BoomBoom, and Pete Griffin through the Clowncil's first-ever Oil Rig heist (a timed mission where the tenth failed hack blows up the heavily-guarded rig). Freddy started the mission with a three-use Entry Keycard. The clowns stormed the oil rig with two gunboats and blasted the enemy ships, helicopters, and guards. The clowns cleared the oil rig's armed guards level by level, looting their possessions and fending off periodic armed helicopter attacks. Based upon the order in a translated email, Freddy one-shot all of the randomly-encrypted door hacks. After the clowns used the pipe valve stations, Freddy hacked the DDR on the generators. Then Freddy guided the clowns through the rest of the pipe valve station usages and the door color activations. With the crew racing to correct the door colors they got wrong, Freddy successfully defused the timer with less than four minutes left on the bomb. The clowns had to survive a five-minute guard attack and helicopter strike before getting extracted, and successfully held out inside of a storage container to complete the Oil Rig heist on their first try. The clowns turned in the Valuable Goods and USB Devices they received in exchange for 42 inked money bags worth 2.1 million dollars and 2541 X Coin.
Three days later on the worry that the police had caught the clowns' clean face Keith Herman during the clowns' Bay City Bank tugboat towing heist and were interrogating him, Kirk suspected that the police might raid Keith's warehouse to search for the missing bank loot. Kirk and Chatterbox raced to the warehouse and rushed off with the 42 inked money bags from the Oil Rig heist, leaving behind weed, Kirk's other meth table, a burner phone, and the IDs of murdered mimes. When Kirk returned to clear the rest, Keith's warehouse was locked down. The police raided the warehouse and seized enough evidence for two drug trafficking charges, but let Keith keep/sell the warehouse as part of a guilty plea agreement of six years in prison, six years of parole, and a $250,000 fine.
Kirk successfully completed his second Oil Rig heist on April 26, 2023 with Freddy Fastfingers, Chatterbox, Tip-Top, Stumbles Fumbles, and Delver Lee.
Manhunt for 2-Time Meth Trafficker Kirk (and the HOA Courthouse Getaway)
The police offered Kirk a drug trafficking plea agreement of 6 years in prison, 6 years parole, and a $200,000 fine in exchange for testifying against the Changaloa Cartel and snitching that Chatterbox and Scruffy Doodle kidnapped Jeffrey Bundy's innocent wife Dr. Lennon Bundy for TJ Walker to torture. Otherwise, Kirk would get 12 years in prison, 12 years parole, a $400,000 fine, and seizure of his Grapeseed house. Kirk testified against the Changaloa Cartel, but did not fulfill the second half of the plea agreement due to TJ's bribe offer of one million dollars.
The police rescinded the entire plea agreement, and prosecuted Kirk at the HOA Courthouse on April 27, 2023 for 12 years instead of 9 years. Although Judge Norman Adams ruled Kirk guilty of drug trafficking, Adams penalized Officer Han Velsing for the 12-year charge and instead gave Kirk the minimum sentence of 6 years in prison, 6 years parole, and a $350,000 fine. Afterward, Kirk tossed a smoke grenade in the courtroom, launched himself from the Land Act Dam plank, parachuted, and fled the police in his Wastelander. Adams didn't punish him further for fleeing "because it was cool". As Scruffy Doodle gave comms from a helicopter, the PD chased in their own Wastelander until Kirk's Wastelander broke. Kirk swapped to Pete Griffin's car, BonBon's car, and BoomBoom's tugboat. Kirk played hide-and-seek with the pursuing PD boat, snuck off the tugboat, and swam to safety. All six of the clowns involved in the getaway escaped.
The next day in a unique Paleto Bank Heist where the police eavesdropped on the clowns' radio comms the entire chase (because the clowns left behind Yuri who had their radio channel), Senior Ranger Jeffrey Bundy directed a swarm of police to go after fugitive Kirk (who would serve 6 years in prison if caught). The police aggressively chased, pitted, boxed, flipped, tried to handcuff, and tried to spike Kirk. Blue laptop hacker Mr. Ratchet drove getaway first in the Stratum. Kirk parachuted to Scruffy Doodle's orange Tampa (where Bundy was waiting), swapped to Chatterbox's Sratum, swapped to Mr. Ratchet's car, swapped to BoomBoom's Enus, and finally swapped to the Yuck Truck brought by Scruffy and successfully drove getaway in it. Kirk exhaled with relief and phoned Bundy, who vowed to add Air-1 next time.
At the conclusion of another wild police chase on May 2, 2023, the police finally arrested Kirk. Trooper Jack Ripley jailed Kirk to serve his drug trafficking sentence of 6 years in prison and 6 years parole. On May 12, 2023, Kirk broke his parole and served another 3 years in prison (and in solitary confinement for a prison riot).
First City Vault Heist for Valuable Goods
On May 15, 2023, Kirk and Chatterbox joined the Clowncil's first City Vault heist for valuable goods. Mr. Ratchet and Bobby Porter disabled the Palmer-Taylor Power Station with BonBon and BoomBoom shooting the local police for them. Bobby Porter hacked the thermite (using Mr. Ratchet's access codes), hacked the red laptop, untangled the side doors hack with Mr. Ratchet, disabled the laser room, and untangled the door hacks on the two safety deposit rooms--but neither him nor Mr. Ratchet were able to hack the final lower vault door in time before it locked down. BonBon and Mr. Ratchet drilled the walls for valuable goods and USB devices. BoomBoom fell off the tall outside ladder. Mr. Ratchet drove getaway in a bison pickup truck (holding passengers Bobby and a downed BoomBoom) that was towing a speedboat (holding passengers Chatterbox, Kirk, and BonBon). When the police wildly boxed them all in, Bobby, Chatterbox, and BoomBoom got caught. Janky sprinted to a parked G-Wagon at the red garage, picked up BonBon, escaped a shooting Senior Officer Aaron Byson, and picked up Mr. Ratchet. The three of them snatched a cuffed Chatterbox from police custody. Mr. Ratchet wedged the G-Wagon at the top of the construction site so they could all swap to his car, drove up and down flights of stairs outside of the Cerberus Business Center to successfully escape the police, hacked the tracked valuable goods, and turned everything in for 6 inked money bags, 120 marked bills, and 939 X Coin.
==🚙 Vehicles ==
Image	Vehicle Name 	Description 	License Plate
 	Journey 	Red White and Blue striped RV
("The Fastest House in Los Santos") Kirk occasionally travels around the city in this red, white, and blue RV equipped with NOS known as "The American Dream." He claims RVs are untippable.	N6T2K1N3
 	Vapid Ellie 	(SOLD) Red with two black stripes on top and dollar sign rims
(Can do wheelies)	670LX8C7
 	Enus Paragon R 	(SOLD to Peren Meliamne) Two tone white and matte gray
(Formerly Irwin Dundee's)	AREP5E10
 	Wastelander 	"Yuck Truck"
(Kirk traded Roman Shacks' S+ Tigon to Kevin Ram for the Wastelander)	S2C3ZLIO
 	Blista Compact 	Two-door sports hatchback 	V49XEXS3
 	Dinka Enduro 	Black and silver off-road motorcycle	333462XT
 	Nebula Turbo 	2-door sedan 	T4NK
 	Yosemite Rancher	Off-road pickup truck 	4QPVB2WW
 	Toro 	High-end speedboat 	3515C3WI
 	Blade 	2-door gasser 	S39SYJR4
 	Voodoo Custom 	Lowrider 	1XA5VE56
 	Voodoo Custom 	Lowrider 	IHB0DSS5R
==🐢 Trivia ==
* First man to finish a race in an RV.
* He has gout and references his condition on a regular basis. 
* He was turned into a vampire by Carmella Corset but has since been "cured." 
* Kirk owned pet turtles named "turt-ellini," tort-ellini," and "turd-ellini." Turdellini is named after turds because "he's a shitty turtle." During Kirk's meth trafficking incarceration, he entrusted his entire bag of baby turtles to Dick Chiclets for safekeeping. The police found this bag of turtles when they raided the beachside house of Dick's ex-wife Marie Ortiz. Following another police raid, Marie noticed that the turtles had gone missing. Kirk doesn't know who turtle-napped them.
* Kirk has dyslexia. During his drug trafficking sentence Kirk read many dictionary and is now a semi proficient reader.
* Kirk's middle name is Justin.
==✊ Quotes ==
*"First ya Kirk 'em, then ya Jerk 'em"
*"and if you've got PBR then ya slurp 'em and ya burp 'em"
*"What's meth-am-phet-a-mine is meth-am-phet-a-yours"
*"Let 'er rip tater chip"
*"Hold it down"
*"Huh?"
*"General Confusion"
== Gallery ==