Survivor Man Quotes

:Toby: Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside]
:Michael: [From outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.
:Toby: Michael wasn't invited.
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:Dwight: I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had Velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."
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:Michael: Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer, creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
:Dwight: No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape.
:Michael: Well yes, I would and I would survive.
:Dwight: I would make sure that you were dead. Believe me. 
:Michael: No.
:Dwight: Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. And they would call me "The Overkill Killer."
:Michael: You—you are—you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.
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:Creed: I hate devil's food.
:Jim: Well I think Meredith was just —
:Creed: Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
:Jim: Everybody's birthday.
:Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
:Jim: What do you want?
:Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.
:Jim: You want a birthday pie?
:Creed: I want a nice cobbler.
:Jim: Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie.
:Creed: I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen.
:Jim: It will be Angela.
:Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
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:Dwight: I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.
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:Michael: I wish I could've gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I...have...hemorrhoids!
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:Stanley: I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
:Oscar: Why don't you just have an apple?
:Stanley: Why don't you mind your business?
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:Jim: Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.
:Michael: That's what I said. That's what she said.
:Jim: That's what who said?
:Michael: I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.
:Jim: That's what she said.
:Michael: Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.
Category:Season 4 quotes