The 51st State

The 51st State is the third episode of season six, and the sixty-first episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on March 26, 2022.
==Plot==
Mr. R'Onion campaigns to make Jellyfish Fields the 51st state. 
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with Mr. Renaud and Mr. R’Onion in Jellyfish Fields.]
Mr. Renaud: Isn’t it beautiful, Jim? 
Mr. R’Onion: Not at all! These evil creatures probably feed their demonic souls on the corpses of innocent plants! 
Mr. Renaud: That’s where you’re wrong, my friend! These creatures feed off their own jelly! 
Mr. R’Onion: So they’re perverts. 
Mr. Renaud: YEP! That’s why I love them! 
[Mr. Renaud grabs a baby jellyfish, squeezing the jelly out of it and into his mouth.]
Mr. R’Onion: Hm...you know, while these jellyfish may be sexual degenerates, I have to say, I strongly respect their anti-genocide stance. If only we could have more marine life like them in politics! 
Mr. Renaud: [sucking on the baby jellyfish’s tentacles] Yeah, well there isn’t because they have no representation in Congress. 
Mr. R’Onion: WHAT 
Mr. Renaud: [chewing on the baby jellyfish] Yep. 
Mr. R’Onion: THIS IS A DISGRACE! YOU CAN’T HAVE TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION! 
Mr. Renaud: Eh, I find the last two words to be unnecessary. 
Mr. R’Onion: I request a meeting with Mr. Biden immediately to discuss this urgent matter! 
Mr. Renaud: Pft, you really think the president is going to make way out of his busy schedule to meet with some random high school teacher?
[Cut to the Oval Office.]
Mr. Biden: Glad to meet with you, Mr. R’Onion. 
Mr. R’Onion: Mr. Biden, Jellyfish Fields needs to become a state immediately! 
Mr. Biden: Now hold on a second, Jack. You’re a teacher at Bikini Bottom High School, right?
Mr. R’Onion: That’s correct. 
Mr. Biden: And Travis Pineapple is one of your students?
Mr. R’Onion: Yes. 
Mr. Biden: GREAT! [rips off his clothes]
Mrs. Harris: Uh sir, you don’t have Ms. Pineapple yet. 
Mr. Biden: Oh. [sits back down] Tell you what, you get me Ms. Pineapple, and I’ll agree to make Fellyfish Jields or whatever you were talking about a state. 
Mr. R’Onion: But he’s already falling incredibly behind! He’ll never be able to catch up with his studies if he’s busy being raped by you! 
Mr. Biden: [bangs his fists on the table] THEN NO DEAL! [stands up] Come on, Kamala, let’s go kill some Palestinians. [walks away]
Mr. R’Onion: Ah, it’s not like he could do something anyways, as he isn’t the real President. I suppose I’ll just have to take this issue to Congress! 
[Cut to Congress, where both the House and Senate have joined to hold a hearing on Jellyfish Fields statehood.]
Mr. Lobster: ABSOLUTELY NOT! I AM NOT ALLOWING YOU MARXISTS TO GET AWAY WITH THIS! YOU ONLY WANT THIS SO YOU CAN HAVE TWO MORE COMMUNISTS IN THE SENATE! WE CAN NOT ALLOW THE SANCTITY OF THE HIGHLY RESPECTED BODY THAT IS CONGRESS TO BE RUINED BY ALLOWING IN SUCH RADICAL EXTREMIST MEMBERS! 
Mr. Tentacles: Mr. Lobster, such a matter should not be viewed through a partisan lens. We’re talking about Bikini Bottomites who are being denied their basic right of representation. Whether you agree with the views of the citizens of Jellyfish Fields or not, surely they should have the right to be represented.
Mr. Lobster: Nope.
Mr. Tentacles: Also, you of all damn fools should not be whining about “THE SANCTITY OF THE HIGHLY RESPECTED BODY THAT IS CONGRESS” when you literally tried to destroy it just three months ago!
Mr. Lobster: It was to STOP A COUP that YOU MARXIST COMMUNIST EXTREMISTS organized!
Mr. Tentacles: No it wasn-
Mr. R’Onion: Excuse me! I am trying to talk. Do either of you realize how incredibly unprofessional you’re being by talking over me? That’s detention for both of you. 
Mr. Lobster: I WILL NOT COMPLY. I WILL NOT FOLLOW THE MARCHING ORDERS OF THOSE WHO WISH TO SEND ME TO MY DEATH! 
Mr. Tentacles: Mr. R’Onion, you’re not our teacher. 
Mr. R’Onion: Senator Tentacles, I teach more than just the students at Bikini Bottom High School. I teach the whole world! Haven’t you ever seen my Vimeo channel? 
[The scene cuts to Mr. R’Onion in front of the camera.] 
Mr. R’Onion: Salutations listens. I’m That Carnivore Teacher and I’m here to sing a song about the Plant Genocide! 
[The scene cuts back to Congress.] 
Mr. Tentacles: How come you don’t just use YouTube? 
Mr. R’Onion: Because YouTube is incredibly unprofessional. 
Mr. Renaud: Right on, brother! 
Mr. Pineapple: You know, at first I was skeptical of expanding the scope of the imperial core, but then I realized if Bikini Bottom has more states, I have more places to blow up! I’m in! 
[The scene cuts to Mr. Chillyrooster.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: This just in, Congress has narrowly passed legislation to make Jellyfish Fields a state. However, the president has threatened to veto the bill unless he gets to rape a particular 16 year old girl. 
[Cut to the Oval Office.] 
Mr. Biden: Listen, Jack. When I said no deal, I meant no deal. Unless I get Ms. Pineapple, no deal! [falls asleep] 
[Ten days later.] 
Mr. Chillyrooster: It has been ten days since the legislation to make Jellyfish Fields a state has passed. As Mr. Biden has been asleep the whole time since then and failed to either sign or return the bill, it has automatically became law. As such, elections shall be held to determine who shall represent the new state in Congress. Right now, we host a debate between the two candidates competing for the first Senate election of Jellyfish Fields. 
[Cut to debate] 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Let us start with opening statements. Both of you can use this opportunity to explain why you feel you're suited to be one of the first senators to represent Jellyfish Fields. Technetium, why don't you go first?
Technetium: I have been a citizen of Jellyfish Fields my entire life. Due to my upbringing in the community, I feel I am best-suited to accurately represent the interests of this community. With all due respect to Mr. R'Onion - and I do genuinely appreciate his advocacy for statehood - he is an outsider. He was not raised in this state, he has not lived in this state, in fact he doesn't even live here now. He lives in California. He lost a race for Senate there, and now it looks like he's come to our community for a back-up. 
Mr. Chillyrooter: Mr. R'Onion?
Mr. R'Onion: Thank you. First of all, I find it odd that Technetium believes he would be better served to represent the interests of this state better than me. It was me, not Technetium, who represented the interests of this state before it even was a state, and got it to be a state. I will fight for your interests just like I fought for them in front of Congress, and just like I've fought for the interests of plants my entire life. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Now that we're done with opening questions, let's go to the first question. Mr. Tentacles has recently introduced legislation to ban the production and purchase of animal products. What is your view of such legislation?
Technetium: As we jellyfish ourselves have been exploited for our products by the likes of Mr. Krabs, I of course support efforts to end the exploitation of other animals for their products. 
Mr. R’Onion: I can not believe my own ears. I expected my opponent to stake out some positions that I would find disagreeable, but I never expected he would come out with a full-throated endorsement of genocide. 
Technetium: [squints eyes] Jim, what the fuck are you talking about? 
Mr. R’Onion: Do you have any idea how many plants those animals murder?! They’re serial killers! They need to be punished for their crimes, and the only punishment worthy of a crime as serious as genocide is death! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well this seems to be going rather normally. Next question: pro-life or pro-choice?
Technetium: Pro-choice. 
Mr. R’Onion: Neither. I believe abortion should be mandatory. Marine life is built on the murder of plants, and the only way to end the Plant Genocide is if we all go extinct. 
Technetium: What an outrageous thing to say! 
Mr. R’Onion: Excuse me, stop using your tongue in an impulsive manner. What I said is totally reasonable. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Let’s turn to another issue - gun control. Bikini Bottom has the highest rate of school shootings of any nation in the Pacific Ocean. Should we seek to reduce this rate by increasing restrictions on firearms?
Technetium: I believe we should. 
Mr. R’Onion: Preventing school shootings would be incredibly unprofessional. Do you have any idea how many students I see eating burgers with lettuce on them? 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well, we’ll have to leave it there. Thanks you two for a great and spirited debate! 
Technetium: But you only asked three questions. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Yeah, but I have a date tonight and I’m already running late. Besides, this race is basically over anyway. No one’s gonna vote for a candidate who supports extinction of all marine life! 
[two weeks later]
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Mr. R’Onion has been elected senator of Jellyfish Fields.
[the episode ends]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fifth Season