Dead Man Walking

Dead Man Walking is the first episode of season four, and the twenty-eighth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on December 17, 2020.
==Plot==
After Squilliam Fancyson makes a deal with the Devil to revive Bikini Bottom, the usual chaos of Bikini Bottom politics resumes.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens in Hell.]
Mr. Obama: [blinks] Uh...what just happened? 
Mr. Pineapple: I nuked Bikini Bottom! And after you were judged by the ultimate judge, you’ve been transported to Hell, where you belong! Hey! Wait! Why am I here? 
Mr. G: So what are we gonna do now? I can’t kill any more civilians if they’re all dead already! 
Mr. Fancyson: Don’t worry. I know just what to do. [walks over to Mr. Satan Devil, taking out his wallet] Say Satan, would you mind doing me a favor? [winks] And restore all the buildings too. Just uh…make sure to exclude those two. [points his tentacle at Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion]
Mr. Devil: What in the—Squilliam! You think you can bribe me? This isn’t the Bikini Bottom Jail, damn fool, this is Hell! You and all other sinners shall be punished here eternally!
Mr. Fancyson: Hold on there, you’ve only seen my wallet. I’m just getting started! [shouts at his assistant] Drive it here!
[Mr. Fancyson’s Assistant arrives, driving a truck. He steps out and opens the back doors, revealing millions of gold doubloons.]
Mr. Devil: I—I—how did you get a—
Mr. Fancyson: I’m not done yet.
[An attractive demon also steps out of the truck and kisses Mr. Devil.]
Mr. Devil: Fine! You’re the boss! [snaps his fingers, and suddenly everyone but himself, Mr. R’Onion, and Mr. Pineapple disappears from Hell]
Mr. R’Onion: HEY! No fair! How can you let those murderers go free, but keep us locked up here? 
Mr. Pineapple: Yeah! They have the blood of so many innocent fish on their hands! 
Mr. R’Onion: Nevermind that! They’re responsible for the slaughter of billions of plants! 
Mr. Devil: Travis, you just killed millions of innocent fish via nuclear warfare. 
Mr. Pineapple: Those weren’t innocent fish! They were residents of the imperial core! 
[Suddenly, a knock on the door is heard.] 
Mr. Devil: Hold on, let me get that. 
[Mr. Devil walks over to the door and opens it, revealing Mr. Renaud.]
Mr. Renaud: Heya there, Satan! Here’s your copy of Tyce+Travis: Naughty Boys In Bed that you ordered! You’re in luck! This was my last one! [hands Mr. Devil the DVD]
Mr. R’Onion: Say, wait a minute! [runs over to Mr. Renaud] Paul, I’d like to wager a deal with you! 
Mr. Renaud: And what would that be? 
Mr. R’Onion: You take Travis and I with you back to Bikini Bottom, and then you can make another CPTV a special with him! 
Mr. Renaud: Sounds like a deal to me! 
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT?! No way! I’d rather stay here in Hell than do that! 
Mr. R’Onion: Well, too bad! My classroom, my rules! [grabs Mr. Pineapple and the three head out the door]
[Cut to the Biden residence, where Mr. Biden can be seen sleeping on the couch. Suddenly, he begins to wake up.] 
Mr. Biden: Ah...what did I miss? I had a bizarre dream. I won the presidential election, got arrested by the Secret Service, and—
Mr. Banana: Your girlfriend nuked the entire country! 
Mr. Biden: [grins] So I’m dead now, right? 
Mr. Banana: Nope. We got revived!
[The grin on Mr. Biden’s face fades away.]
Mr. Biden: Damnit. I guess I’ll just watch some child porn until I become president. [turns on the TV]
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: In the midst of the chaos, all of us were killed in a nuclear explosion. However, thanks to Mr. Fancyson bribing the Devil, Bikini Bottom was resurrected. All buildings are intact, and the police believe that everyone was revived and relocated to where they were before the White House attack, though Senator Bernie Sanders is nowhere to be seen.
Mr. Banana: I’m sure he, along with everyone else, was revived. I bet he fled to the Soviet Union for causing yet another war! I didn’t forget about Iraq, (((Warmonger Bernie)))!
Mr. Biden: I bet the police are secretly torturing him for protesting the great institution of segregation.
Mr. Banana: That’ll teach him to obey the law!
[Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana high-five and snicker when suddenly, Mr. Devil appears.]
Mr. Devil: Not everyone was revived. Just the ones that were sent to Hell.
Mr. Banana: Hmm...does that mean—Nope. Not possible. Absolutely NOT.
[Cut to Mr. Sanders and Jesus Sandal drinking holy wine in Heaven.]
Mr. Sanders: Y’know, Jesus, I do feel a little guilty that I’m in Heaven while everyone else was sentenced to eternal damnation. I don’t think something like Hell should exist.
Mr. Sandal: I mean, there are plenty of criminals who will never face any consequences in the mortal world, so we kinda need it.
Mr. Sanders: Well, perhaps it’s alright for war criminals like Trump, Pineapple, and Obama, but some “crimes” that would land you in Hell are ridiculous, such as masturbating.
Mr. Sandal: How is that ridiculous?! Masturbation is among the most heinous crimes of all!
[Cut to the White House.]
Mr. Trump: Unbelievable! I was just about to use my secret weapon in the Supreme Court to overturn this election, when some loser killed me!
Mr. Pence: I don’t think the judges will suck your cock, and that wouldn’t make them rule in favor of you.
Mr. Trump: Not that! My other secret weapon! Amy Coney Barrett!
Mr. Pence: Just a reminder that the deadline is tomorrow. If we waste any time, then the White House will go to Sleepy Joe no matter what we say.
Mr. Trump: Of course! We don’t waste time! We got Barrett confirmed very quickly, after all!
Mr. Pence: I guess—
Mr. Trump: Anyways, who even killed me?
Mr. Pence: Probably the same person that killed me shortly after, Timothy Pepperchicken.
Mr. Trump: Secret Service, arrest this traitor at once and bring him to me!
[A few hours pass. The Secret Service return to the White House and throw Mr. Pepperchicken on the floor in front of Mr. Trump.]
Mr. Trump: Why’d you do it, Chillycock? And to think you were a close associate of mine in 2016! You know, killing both me and my successor warrants a death sentence.
Mr. Pepperchicken: You can kill me, but you can’t kill the movement! Gay lobby sellouts like you and Mike will lose this war!
Mr. Pence: Why’d you kill me?! You and I both know I’m a fierce fighter for the heterosexual cause! And I made you my VP!
Mr. Pepperchicken: You served in the administration of a gay lobby sellout, so that makes you complicit. Also, me being your VP only further motivated me to assassinate you, as I wanted to become President.
Mr. Pence: Tim, we could’ve killed all the homosexuals side by side, and you would be my successor after eight years!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Too long!
Mr. Pence: [mutters to himself] Ugh, I should’ve never conspired with you to assassinate that orange idiot...
Mr. Pepperchicken: [grins] Can you say that louder?
Mr. Pence: [screams] TIM, YOU SELFISH SON OF A BITCH, I SHOULD’VE NEVER CONSPIRED WITH YOU TO ASSASSINATE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP!
[Mr. Pepperchicken begins to laugh hysterically.]
Mr. Pence: Why the fuck are you laughing, dickhead?
[Before Mr. Pence could realize why, his eyes met a death stare from Mr. Trump. After a few seconds of staring, Mr. Trump turns toward a Secret Service agent, and points at Mr. Pence while making a throat slash gesture. Mr. Pence is arrested immediately.]
Mr. Pence: I guess I’m going back to Hell (not the fanon wiki) now.
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! Vice President Pence has been arrested after confessing to conspiring with Timothy Pepperchicken to assassinate President Trump. He and Pepperchicken are expected to receive the death penalty.
Mrs. Plankton: Good thing Biden got elected, as the death penalty is totally inhumane, and he supports abolishing it!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well, not for Palestinian civilians.
Mr. Perkins: For the first time in BBTV history, we will publicly air the executions.
[Cut to the execution chamber at the Bikini Bottom Jail. Mr. Pence and Mr. Pepperchicken are seen on guillotines.]
Executioner: Any last words, Prisoner Pence?
Mr. Pence: Well, I would like to make a lengthy speech. Zero score and a few days ago, when I was President after I killed Trump, I ordered to—
Executioner: That’s enough! [guillotines Mr. Pence] What about you, Mr. Pepperchicken?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I have a question for you. Are you gay?
Executioner: Why, yes.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well then.
[Cut to the White House.]
Mr. Trump: Considering my Vice President and the guy who hacked the 2016 election for me are being executed as we speak, I am a little nervous about our chances of winning the election lawsuit. You better win this, Rudy!
Mr. Giuliani: There is nothing to fear, Donald, we will win this. And just so you know, I am not allowed inside the Supreme Court, as I have been diagnosed with the Plague earlier today.
Mr. Trump: WHAT?! How can we win then?!
Mr. Giuliani: Relax, my deputy is filling in. He’s a very, very great lawyer. Maybe even more great than me...
[Cut to the Supreme Court.]
Mr. Roberts: The court is now set to hear arguments on whether the 2020 election should be overturned. We will hear from legal teams representing Mr. Trump and Mr. R’Onion, who want to overturn, and Mr. Biden, who wants to certify the established results. First to the stand, Larry Lobster, from the Trump team.
Mr. Lobster: Thank you, Mr. Roberts. Ahem - THIS ELECTION WAS STOLEN BY THE CHINESE DEEP STATE PEDOPHILES! BIKINI BOTTOM AND THE WORLD ONE GLOBAL ONE GOVERNMENT SYSTEM WHY WORLD SHUT DOWN INTO ALL THE WORLD SYSTEM ARE FAILED TOO MANY PEOPLE NEW PHASE NEW DIGITAL WORLD BANKING AND ALL SYSTEMS RUN BY G 5 AND ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENT BITCOIN AND HYPERNET WHY IS SHUT DOWN TO WORLD NEW SYSTEM IS FALLING INTO NEW PHASE SYSTEM INTO ONE GLOBAL SYSTEM THROUGH OUT WORLD MOST TRADITION BUSINESS AND JOBS OVER TIME FALL OFF GRID AND WE ALL CONNECTED SOON WITH DIGITAL ONE WORLD SYSTEM WITH A DIGITAL CHIP IN LEFT ARM AND WE ALL NEED TO TAKE VACCINATED SO WHY IS BILL GATES INVOLVED STRANGELY IS HE NOT SUPPOSE BE COMPUTER GUY ?? ALL BEEN ROLLED OUT SINCE WORLD WAR 2 WHO CREATED THE NAZI ??
Mr. Roberts: Thank you for your statement, Mr. Lobster. Mr. R’Onion?
Mr. R’Onion: Ah yes, thank you. I must say, the way this election was conducted was incredibly unprofessional. Not a single plant out of the millions in Bikini Bottom was able to cast a vote due to the rampant voter suppression campaign enforced by my opponents. If they didn’t do that, I would have won this election in a landslide!
Mr. Roberts: Mr. Biden?
Mr. Biden: Larry is absolutely right, Jack! That Biden fella can’t be trusted! He and his cultural Marxist saboteurs have flooded our election with the votes of millions of illegals! We must assure Trump remains president, to prevent a hostile COMMUNIST TAKEOVER! 
Mr. Banana: JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN! What are you doing?!
Mr. Roberts: I see. It is time for us to announce our opinions.
Mrs. Barrett: On behalf of myself, as well as Justices Kavanaugh, Gorsuch, Thomas, and Alito, who are totally impartial, we believe that Mr. Lobster has provided an excellent case, and as we combined make up a majority of the Court, let the record show that we vote in favor of—
[Suddenly, Mr. Fancyson kicks open the courtroom door. He walks up to the Justices and opens a briefcase full of money and a ticket to Little Saint Squilliam Island.]
Mr. Fancyson: If you vote to certify the established results of this election, every single one of you will receive a briefcase just like this.
[The justices all look at each other.] 
Justices: WE VOTE TO CERTIFY THE ELECTION! 
[Mr. Roberts pounds his gavel on the desk.]
Mr. Roberts: It’s a done deal, Mr. Fancyson! [grins, shaking Mr. Fancyson’s tentacle] We would do anything for the opportunity to go to your island, CPTV doesn't even come close!
Mr. Fancyson: Well, Honorable Chief Justice, CPTV is for the middle class pedophile, not for high society pedophiles like us!
[The episode ends as they laugh.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fourth Season
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020s