Teaching Grover YES and NO (transcript)

Two sketches that premiered on Sesame Street in season 3 featured Kermit the Frog attempting to teach Grover to read signs printed with the words YES and NO.
The following transcript is culled from scripts and may not exactly reflect the final version as aired.
==Teaching Grover YES==
 	first appearance: Episode 0322
 	300px
 	(KERMIT IS SITTING ON THE WALL HOLDING A SIGN WITH "YES" WRITTEN ON IT)
Kermit	Hi ho Kermit the Frog here and today I'm here to talk about the word YES. You see this word here, Y-E-S and that spells YES. Now there are many uses for the word "yes"...
Grover	(ENTERING UPSTAGE) Hello froggy!
Kermit	Oh no.
Grover	(SWAK! ON THE BACK) How are you, my little froggy friend?
Kermit	I was fine until you came along. Listen Grover, I'm trying to give a serious talk about this word here, so why don't you just...
Grover	Oh look what you have there! Why you have a sign with a word written upon it. I wonder if I could read that word? Hmmm... let me see...
Kermit	That's what I'm here to talk about, Grover, the word is...
Grover	Don't tell me! Grover himself will figure out what that word is. That word is... is... uh... I give up. Will you tell me what that word is?
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	Thank you.
Kermit	You're welcome.
Grover	You're welcome what? I asked you to tell me what the word is! Would you tell me what it is?
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	Would you read it to me!
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	Read it to me right now!
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Let's start all over. You have a sign there, with a word written on it.
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	Do you know what that word is?
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	Will you tell it to me?
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	Tell me!
Kermit	Yes!
Grover	Tell me the word!
Kermit	YES!!
 	GROVER GOES BERSERK AND RUNS SCREAMING INTO THE BACKGROUND FAINT VOICE IN ECHO YELLING AND BEATING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE FAR BACK WALL. KERMIT SITS AND HUMS PEACEFULLY TO HIMSELF. GROVER FINISHES TANTRUM COLLAPSED IN FRONT OF KERMIT.
Grover	(IN A WHISPER) Froggy...?
Kermit	hmmm?
Grover	(STILL WHISPERING) Would you tell me what's written on that sign now?
Kermit	(WHISPER) Yes.
 	(THERE IS A LONG PAUSE... GROVER JUST LOOKS AT KERMIT)
Grover	I'm waiting.
Kermit	Hm?
Grover	I'm waiting for you to tell me what's written on that sign.
Kermit	I told you.
Grover	(PAUSE) Maybe you told me very quietly and I didn't hear you. Would you tell me again, please.
Kermit	Yes. Did you hear me?
Grover	Yes.
Kermit	That's right.
Grover	WHAT'S RIGHT? There's nothing right here! I'm still waiting for you to tell me that word! Will you tell me!
Kermit	Yes.
 	(GROVER TURNS AND RUNS TO THE FAR BACKGROUND. MUCH FAINT SCREAMING. HE EXITS IN THE BACKGROUND AND APPEARS A MOMENT LATER WALKING IN - IN THE FOREGROUND. HE IS CALM AND COMPOSED.
Grover	(CASUALLY) Hi froggy.
Kermit	Hi Grover.
Grover	I see you have a sign there.
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	I thought I might try to read that sign.
Kermit	Good idea, Grover.
Grover	I will just look to see how it's spelled... let's see... that first letter is... uh... I should know what that letter is... it's a... froggy, would you tell me what that letter is?
Kermit	Y.
Grover	Because then I might be able to figure out what that word is.
Kermit	Yes.
Grover	So what's the first letter?
Kermit	Y!
Grover	Because I want to know!
Kermit	The letter is Y! Y! Y! Like in W-X-Y-Z. The word is spelled Y-E-S. That spells YES. Yes! Yes! Haven't you ever heard of the word YES?
 	(GROVER JUST STANDS THERE NODDING HIS HEAD THEN HE TURNS AS SLOWLY WALKS OFF)
Kermit	(TO CAMERA) Gee... do you suppose I was too hard on him? (A TERRIFIC OFF CAMERA CRASH - KERMIT DOES TAKE) Was I too hard on him? (KERMIT LOOKS UP AT SIGN)... Yes.
==Teaching Grover NO==
 	first appearance: Episode 0297
 	300px
 	(KERMIT IS SITTING ON THE WALL HOLDING A SIGN WITH "NO" WRITTEN ON IT)
Kermit	Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here, and today I'm here to talk to you about the word NO. You see this word here? It's spelled N-O, and N-O spells NO. Now there are many uses for the word No, and I will...
Grover	(ENTERING UPSTAGE) Hello froggy!
Kermit	Oh NO! Hey, did you hear what I just said? I said "Oh NO". That's one use of the word.
Grover	What you doing, froggy?
Kermit	I am trying to give a serious talk about this word right here, so if you would just...
Grover	Oh, look at that! You have a sign with a little word written on it. What a cute little word that is!
Kermit	Yes, that is the word...
Grover	Don't tell me! I, Grover, will read what that cute little word is! Just a moment and I will figure out what those cute little letters spell... let's see... they spell... uh... would you tell me what they spell?
Kermit	NO.
Grover	No?
Kermit	NO.
Grover	Why not?
Kermit	Why not what?
Grover	Why not won't you read me that word to me why not?
Kermit	No, no Grover, that's not the best way to ask a question. Besides all you have to say is, "Please read that word to me."
Grover	Froggy... Please read that word to me.
Kermit	Alright.
Grover	So that's what it says--"Alright!"
Kermit	No. No!
Grover	What?
Kermit	It does not say "alright"! This word is not "alright"!
Grover	I'm sorry to hear that - is it sick?
Kermit	NO! (TO CAMERA) You will notice, that one of the main ways to use this word is to answer a question... when you mean "not yes". Because, of course, the opposite of "yes" is "NO".
Grover	What are you talking about?
Kermit	I'm talking about this word. Do you know what this word is now?
Grover	NO.
Kermit	Good for you.
Grover	Good for me what? I don't know what that word is! Please, please, please, pretty please tell me what word that is!
Kermit	NO.
Grover	Oh!! (GROVER RUNS TO BACKGROUND SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION)
Kermit	Grover! Come back here. (GROVER COMES BACK) You want me to tell you what this sign says?
Grover	Um hum.
Kermit	No.
Grover	Ahh! (GROVER RUNS AGAIN)
Kermit	But Grover! That's what it says!
Grover	(IN BACKGROUND) What?
Kermit	That's what it says! See look at the sign--the first letter is N and the next letter is O. N-O, and that spells NO.
Grover	(AWED) It spells NO?
Kermit	That's right.
Grover	Look at that! N-O. No. Why I Grover could have figured that out all by myself! Why'd you go and tell me? You spoiled all the fun! I could've read that word and helped you explain it and everything! (KERMIT HOLDS UP SIGN) I know how to read! Don't you know that? (KERMIT HOLDS UP SIGN) Next time you just call ol' Grover and I'll help you out. (HE EXITS)
Kermit	(LOOKS UP AT SIGN AND SAYS QUIETLY) NO.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category: Transcripts