A Very Milky Christmas

A Very Milky Christmas is the third episode of Season One of SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with an establishing shot of Conch Street, Bikini Bottom. It is close to Christmastime and snow is profusely falling from the sky. We zoom into SpongeBob's pineapple, decorated with lights, ornaments, and other Christmas-themed decorations. We see SpongeBob, Santa hat on his head, putting the last of his baubles on his Christmas tree.]
SpongeBob: That's the last of 'em! Oh, boy, I'm so excited for Christmas I could just sing! Gary, could you fetch me my caroling book?
Gary: Meow.
[Gary slithers off to accomplish SpongeRobert's task. He comes back with a Bible on top of his shell.]
SpongeBob: (he takes the Bible off of Gary's shell.) Thanks Gary! Now then, what's a good carol to start with…? (he flips through the Bible's pages) Ah, here's my favourite one!
[SpongeBob clears his throat.]
SpongeBob: 🎵 And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free– 🎵
[The Christmas tree becomes unstable and falls on top of SpongeBob, crushing him under its weight.]
SpongeBob: Ooohhhh… meowch!
[Patrick knocks the door down, wearing a "I believe with all my heart that standing up for America means standing up for the God who has so blessed our land." Christmas sweater.]
Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, I heard you singing about patriotism and I just had to– good Lord!!
SpongeBob: Patrick! A little help here?
[Patrick uses his American strength to lift the tree off of SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Phew, thanks Patrick!
Patrick: Of course! God calls us to help people in need, after all. As described by Hebrews 13:16: "And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased."
SpongeBob: (signature laugh) Patrick, I didn't know you were Christian!
Patrick: Well, of course I am! I mean, there’s no better way to spend Christmas than with God, right? 
SpongeBob: And don't forget your friends!
Patrick: So, how about we get started on those Christmas traditions, huh?
SpongeBob: Right behind ya, buddy! Let's throw the raddest Christmas party ever at the Krusty Krab!
Patrick: God am I proud to be American.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab, being decorated by SpongeBob and Patrick. Mr. Krabs strolls outside.]
Mr. Krabs: Now THAT was a fantastic– hey, what the scallop? What're you two doing?
SpongeBob: (signature laugh) Why, we're setting up Christmas decorations, of course! We're gonna throw a Christmas party at the Krusty Krab, and it's gonna be the BOMB!
Mr. Krabs: What, without my consent?!
Patrick: Honestly, who cares about consent?
SpongeBob: Come on, Mr. K! It is Christmas, after all!
Mr. Krabs: I don't know, boyo…
SpongeBob: C'mon, Mr. Krabs! 
Patrick: Please?
Mr. Krabs: Hmm... okay, I guess it'll help bring in some customers.
SpongeBob: WOOHOO! Alright, Patrick, let's get to work!
[A montage follows: with the two of them beginning to set up the decorations in the Krusty Krab. They hang up garlands, hang mistletoe on the ceiling, and put up Christmas lights everywhere. SpongeBob puts up a giant Christmas tree, while Patrick puts up a giant cross. After they've finished, they sit back and wipe the sweat from their foreheads.]
SpongeBob: It looks so pretty!
Patrick: Yeah, we've really outdone ourselves. What should we do now?
SpongeBob: I know! I'm going to prepare some Christmas cookies, why don't you go from door to door and invite people?
Patrick: You got it, buddy!
[Cut to a random person's house. Patrick rings the doorbell, whereupon the house's owner comes out.]
Person: May I help you, sir?
Patrick: (holding a Bible) May I intrigue you with some of our Lord's teachings?
Person: …I'm not interested in religion, sir.
Patrick: Oh, wait. (He puts away his Bible and takes out a script) I'm supposed to invite you to a Christmas party at the Krusty Krab later today.
Person: ... A Christmas party at the Krusty Krab? 
Patrick: That's right!
Person: Okay, sure, it's not like I have anything better to do anyway.
[Cut to inside the person's house. The corpses of his starved children can be seen rotting.]
Patrick: Great! I'll see you there, sir!
[Cut to Sandy's treedome. Patrick knocks on the door, and Sandy comes out to greet him.]
Sandy: Well howdy Patrick! Is there somethin' I can help you with?
Patrick: can i see your boobs fr
Sandy: …what?
Patrick: OH! Sorry, what I meant to say was… (he takes out his script) I'm here to invite you to a Christmas party at the Krusty Krab later today.
Sandy: Oh my gosh, a Christmas party?
Patrick: Yep! SpongeBob and I are throwing a big Christmas party for all our friends, and we would love for you to come! Just make sure you bring your appetite, because SpongeBob is a fantastic cook!
Sandy: Oh, you bet! I'll see you there!
Patrick: Also I wasn't kidding about seeing your breasts–
[Sandy has already shut her door.]
Patrick: Ugh, women. Oh well, it's no big deal. I'm sure I can find another girl who's interested in a nice Christian man like myself. And hey, speaking of nice Christian men…
[Cut to Squidward's house. Patrick knocks on the door, and Squidward comes out.]
Squidward: I don't wanna hear your stupid carols– oh, Patrick… what do you want?
Patrick: Christmas party at Krusty Krab. Squidward want come?
Squidward: I can feel my brain cells shrinking from being in the same vicinity as you. Give me ONE good reason why I would want to come.
Patrick: Well, I could give you a list of reasons, but I think I'll settle for one really good one. SpongeBob's baking some Christmas cookies, and knowing him, they're sure to be AMAZING!
Squidward: Christmas cookies? (His stomach grumbles) Well… I guess I am feeling a little peckish… Fine… I'll come by for the food… but don't expect me to stick around for long.
Patrick: YAY!!!! I'll see you there, Squidward!
[Patrick leaves to invite more people, and Squidward is left standing at his door.]
Squidward: This is probably going to be the worst mistake of my life… (his stomach grumbles again) …but it'll be worth it for the food. I hope so anyway.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab at night time where a raving party is happening. The music is blaring, the lights are flashing, and the crowd is dancing like mad. Mr. Krabs has nothing but a black bikini on and is seen twerking for money to a crowd of very pleased people. A drunk person watching the show passes out, and Mr. Krabs, seeing this, checks his surroundings before smirking and taking the unconscious person into his office. Patrick and Sandy are both drunk as all hell and are getting a bit too intimate with each other.]
SpongeBob: Hey you two, remember to keep it Bert! 
Patrick: This episode is gonna be rated Cookie Monster or above anyway, let us have our fun.
[Patrick and Sandy are both enjoying each other's company, and it is clear that they are both a little drunk. Their antics are getting a bit rowdy, and it is beginning to bother Squidward, who seems to be having a bit more trouble dealing with the party.]
Squidward: Ugh, this party is becoming a little "Cookie Monster leaning on Grover" for my tastes, but where are those delicacies?! I'm starving!
[Suddenly Squidward spots the cookies SpongeBob had baked for the party. His jaw drops and he starts profusely and hungrily sweating.]
Squidward: (panting) Those cookies... I have to have those cookies... 
[Squidward pushes his way through the crowd, determined to get his hands on SpongeBob's homemade cookies.]
Squidward: Get out of my way, you buffoons! I need those cookies! 
[He tries to push past Patrick and Sandy, but they block his path.]
Patrick: (hic) Oooh, someone's a little desperate for a cookie!
Squidward: Why you little–
[Squidward lifts Patrick up and throws him out the window.]
Sandy: (gasp) My scrunkly!!
Squidward: (panting) Those cookies will be MINE!!
[Squidward rushes over to the table where SpongeBob's cookies are sitting and grabs them all in one big armful, laughing triumphantly. He begins to gobble every single one of them up, leaving no crumb behind.]
Squidward: Oh, that divine flavor! I can't get enough!! I need to have MORE!!
[Squidward continues to devour the cookies, eventually having eaten them all, he looks around in search of more. SpongeBob frantically runs up to him.]
SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you–
Squidward: (lifting SpongeBob and shaking him around) I need more cookies, SpongeBob!! I NEED MORE COOKIES!!
SpongeBob: Squidward, put me down! 
Squidward: No! I need more cookies! I need more cookies!!
Patrick: (from outside, laughing) Woah, Squidward's going nuts!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward, but you ate them all! I can't make any more on such short notice!
[Squidward drops SpongeBob and looks at him furiously.]
Squidward: YOU LITTLE YELLOW BASTARD!! (screaming) I NEED MORE COOKIES!! GIVE ME MORE COOKIES. GIVE ME MORE COOKIES!!!
[Mr. Krabs, covered in sweat, comes out of his office, seeing what all the hubbub is.]
Mr. Krabs: What the– MR. SQUIDWARD!!! What's all the commotion?!
Squidward: (sweating profusely) I can't get enough of SpongeBob's cookies!! I need more, Mr. Krabs!! I need more!!
Mr. Krabs: You've interrupted me little fun time, Mr. Squidward! I'm afraid I must kick you out for such disgraceful behavior!
Squidward: wait wut
[Cut to the outside of the Krusty Krab. Squidward is flinged out the front doors.]
Squidward: (steaming with rage) I'M SO MAD I'M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND SO I WON'T BE SO MAD!! Oh, wait a second… I don't have one. Well that's okay, because I'm gonna get my comeuppance on that little yellow piece of s(funny sound to censor with)t!! But… how?
French Narrator: Then he got an idea! An awful idea! Squidward got a wonderful, awful idea!
Squidward: (sneering) I know just what to do!
French Narrator: …Squidward laughed in his throat.
Squidward: I'll get a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat!
[Cut to Squidward at a Spirit Halloween, with the "Halloween" being replaced with a sign reading "chrismas". Squidward comes out with a bag with a Santa Claus hat and coat.]
French Narrator: And he chuckled and clucked, "What a mischievous trick!"
Squidward: With this coat, and this hat, I'll look just like St. Nick!
Patrick: (off-screen) AMEN, MY BROTHER IN CHRIST!!
Squidward: Shut up, r(word fandom won't let me say)d.
Patrick: :(
[Cut to SpongeBob's house. All the lights are off, and Squidward, wearing his Santa outfit, comes down the chimney.]
Squidward: I am going to eat all of his decorations… and he won't even know where they went! Delightfully devilish, Squiddy…
French Narrator: Squidward gazed at the decorations with thirst.
Squidward: But the question is, which one should I eat first?
[Squidward smacks his palm on his forehead.]
Squidward: Enough of the rhyming bullsh(SOUTHPARK)t, it's time to VORE CHRISTMAS!
[Squidward takes the Christmas lights on the walls and puts them in his mouth, slurping them up like spaghetti.]
Squidward: My hunger is still not satiated! I need MORE!
[Squidward picks the baubles off of SpongeBob's Christmas tree like grapes and eats them as well. Squidward's belly begins to slightly bulge. He takes one of SpongeBob's Christmas presents.]
Squidward: I wonder what this could be…
[Squidward opens the present, revealing a SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk DVD]
Squidward: bruh
[Squidward eats the DVD, as well as the rest of the presents. He takes the wreaths off of the walls and eats them as if they were donuts. He continues eating everything in sight, including the tree, which he used the mistletoe to garnish. Squidward's belly has gotten so big that he's now the equivalent of a giant beanbag.]
Squidward: Whew, that hit the spot… but why should I stop at the decorations? I'm gonna eat THE HOUSE!!
[Squidward begins to eat SpongeBob's pineapple house piece by piece, his belly becoming more bloated by the second. Eventually, Squidward has eaten everything, and he is now as big as his own house.]
Squidward: augh i'm so full
[SpongeBob and Patrick walk on, laughing.]
SpongeBob: Man, that party was a BLAST!
Patrick: Oh yeah, I especially liked the part where we couldn't even see most of it due to Squidward's unusually ravenous gluttony!
SpongeBob: (signature laugh) Go home and get some rest, buddy. You're drunk.
Patrick: I don't know what you're talking abo–
[Patrick passes out on the ground. Mr. Krabs, smirking, drags him off-screen.]
SpongeBob: Speaking of going home, I should– (notices Squidward) HOLY SHRIMP!! SQUIDWARD, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HOUSE?!
Squidward: I, uh… (burp) don't know, SpongeBob. If you wanna find your delicious house and those (tummy rumbles) scrum-diddly-umptious decorations of yours, I suggest looking elsewhere.
SpongeBob: Squidward, I knew you were hungry, but…
Squidward: Oh Lord, I think I'm gonna… I think I'm gonna…
SpongeBob: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!
Squidward: I'm gonna let out a stinky winky poo-poo.
SpongeBob: NOOOOOOO!!!
[Squidward lets out a gargantuan fart, his belly emptying until all the gas has been let out, at which point he resembles a giant pancake.]
Squidward: Uh… sorry.
[pause]
SpongeBob: (signature laugh) Don't worry, Squiddy! I'll forget everything by the next episode anyway.
Squidward: Oh, right. Zero continuity. That's a relief.
SpongeBob: Say, I wonder what happened to the Krusty Krab after the party.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is lying on a pile of passed-out fish with a huge bulge in his pants.]
Mr. Krabs: It's free real estate me boy.
[the end and merry christmas]
Category:Episodes
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Category:Christmas Specials
Category:Holiday Specials
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Category:SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk