Ms. Calorio vs. Mr. McDonald (Math Teacher vs. Science Teacher): Epic Rap Battles That Will Never Happen

ERBTWNH #3: 
Ms. Calorio vs. Mr. McDonald 
(Math Teacher vs. Science Teacher) 
[I do not wish to harm any of the people mentioned in this article, it is a parody on the teacher’s unit of 2014’s Putnam Ave Upper School, dedicated to the wonderful teachers like Mr. McDonald and Ms. Calorio who taught us how to be amazing.] 
Ms. Calorio: 
Mr. McDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o 
Until I broke off both his arms, e-i-e-i-o 
Science would never have existed without math, 
I be calculating’ the end of you like the wrath of a telepath, 
My raps are gettin obtuse, man, I’m spinnin’ off my axis 
Math helps you from solving world problems to paying your taxes 
Just because you went from rags to riches, you think your better? 
I betcha’ thought math was simple, ‘till I brought in letters! 
Called Algebra, you better start with your calculus 
You’d be stutterin’ and mutterin’ and trying’ to work an abacus, 
Better ready an ambulance, fractiousness is dangerous 
After all, it’s hazardous for alchemists, 
(accidental randomness!) 
Finish your analysis on algorithms, majorous 
Your raps are blasphemous and fatuous, 
I’ve got experience, callousness for being the alpha, must 
be spitting out some mathematical verbs 
Then I’m gonna text Mr. A and say “Ugh, what a nerd!” 
Mr. McDonald: Hey, look at me, I own a ship! 
Gonna spin it around and run you over with it! 
You're as much threat to me as my tie clip 
Scratch that, more like a potato or micro chip! 
Science is for those who already know math, 
Spittin’ it faster than I kick your sorry ass! 
Shooting rhymes hotter and more dangerous than the sun, 
I would tell you to hide, but you look too macroscopic to run, 
All you do is text most of the time in class, 
That and failing your student’s MCAS 
If I divide your weight times your mass, 
It still would be larger than an elephant’s ass! 
You got no class, all you’ve got is sass! 
I’ll be rapping sharper than broken glass! 
Youre not going to be doin algebra when I put your arm in a cast! 
Ms. Calorio: You think I’m overweight, take a look at your neck fat 
It jiggles more than a fatty European sprat 
I’m not going to take pity on your pretty kitty-wide eyes 
This is Boston city where it’s gritty, your itty-bitty ditty was petty and shitty 
Subcommittee’s not ready for your large lies 
(I AM!) 
8-1, you better run 
8-2’s ‘bout to get screwed 
8-3’s gonna flee 
and 8-4’s heading for the door 
I’ve multiplied your chances of being stultified 
My room’s customized, this time, you didn’t even try 
You do work for the kids? Well at least I don’t lie 
Going to crush you with Negatives and Positives 
Math’s so flawless, non-dispositive and causative 
Of plausive knowledge. 
Go back to College, 
I add exquisite pain 
Subtract anything you gain 
Multiply the difficulty strain 
And then divide the parts of your brain 
That make you sane 
I’m going to Stand and Deliver you to Akeelah and her Bee-Bee gun 
Just retire already, your work has been done! 
You're no fun, so let someone else do the run 
Your family was so poor, sad and scarred 
I think it equals how abominable your raps are! 
Mr. McDonald: 
Who am I gonna let take over? The quitter, Ms. Rowan? 
Compared to me, she’s just Protozoan 
I’m rap-raping and ripping your sad rapping wrapping easily! 
Like the cells in a Plankton, your just so measly 
There are 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms in the human body 
All of yours will be obliterated and spread across the PAUS lobby 
What’s wrong, Ms. Calorio? 
Had too many oreos? Or is it the Papa Gino’s or the Cheerios? 
Probably the dominoes, Answer to this scenario 
You don’t check the homework-o, you grinning jerk-o, 
I wonder who knows... Does Principal Merko? 
You answer the Do-Knows for the kids, you don’t challenge ‘em 
I give them hard work, slim out and balance ‘em 
The way your body looks is what you deserve, why? 
I’m not the only McDonalds you’ve gotten served by 
WHO WON WHO’S NEXT YOU DECIDE 
All references you might have not gotten: 
-Mr. A was the teacher Ms. Calorio always texted in class 
-“I own a ship!” was a joke that Mr. McDonald said at a performance to show what Ownership was not and that would be not owning a ship 
-MCAS is a very important test for the district 
-What Ms. Calorio meant by customizing rooms is that each teacher would customize their room before school started (Putting up posters, pictures, etc.) 
-“I’m going to Stand and Deliver you to Akeelah and her Bee-Bee gun” 
This line was made up of two movies we would always watch in Mr. McDonalds class. “Stand and Deliver” and “Akeelah and the Bee” 
- “Ms. Rowan” was an (awesome!) science teacher that backed out half of the year beforehand 
- “PAUS” was the school 
- “You answer the Do-Knows for the kids, you don’t challenge ‘em” This line exists because Ms. Calorio did solve the Do Nows for us