Why I Don't Trust Old Spice

Let me ask you this. Did you know that we use deodorant to brighten up our armpits and we make them smell good? Well, I, Jackson Curtis, use deodorant everyday before I leave for work. The deodorant I use is Secret. Why do I use women’s deodorant? It’s because Speed Stick is a no good at all kind of thing, and Old Spice, ooh, I’m gonna tell you why I don’t trust that brand at all, so you better be listening.
It all started when I was watching TV tuning into some Earth To Luna. During the commercial break, I saw this somewhat ad of Terry Crews taking a shower while talking about Old Spice. He claims that it smells like power. 
I smelled my deodorant stick as he kept talking and noticed that it smells like Speed Stick. Now here’s where crap got real. Later that evening, I was out in a bar with the boys who are named Norman Osborn, Grandpa Joe and Captain Pud. We all talked about the Old Spice ad that was on TV today and Captain Pud had a joke to tell us. 
Old Spice was just another word for an old-ass spicy dorito. I agreed with his joke and told my friends that I’m gonna go home now and I’ll see them tomorrow. While walking to my car, I saw what looked like a light spawning near a parking meter. I wasn’t sure if I should approach it because when Emmet touched the piece of resistance in The Lego Movie, he got arrested immediately. 
That’s when I heard a voice saying that they have a secret. I could see now that the light was just a magic woman. I asked what she was doing in the street. She told me that I should never trust Old Spice because people who use other detergents get a broken wall by Terry Crews.
I wouldn’t want that to happen because every month I gotta pay my house bill and if a wall was broken, it ends up forcing me to pay a bill of 2,000 dollars. So I made sure to never let that happen by barricading the walls of my house.
The next day, I got in my car and drove around town. I didn’t have work on Fridays since it’s what my business came up with. While driving, I saw a girl in an orange dress holding her thumbs up meaning that she needed a ride. I asked her where she’s off to and she said that she’s going to the theatres to see Onward. 
The girl’s name is Mikan. After I dropped her off at the theatre, I went to my friend General Asquith’s to have some tea and we had a little chat. That’s when Mr Asquith said that he uses Speed Stick. Once he said that, I knew where this was going. Terry Crews was on his hoverbike while screaming and busting through the walls. He said that Old Spice smells like power. 
Now we all know that, but what Terry Crews did next was terrifying. He had some other people such as Cole Mcgrath, Louis Stevens and Muddy Grimes. They took a gun out and told General Asquith to start using Old Spice or he’ll be meeting god.
So that's what Asquith did. I went home like nothing happened. The next morning, I turned on the TV to notice the emergency alert system detailing the threat of Terry Crews breaking into people’s homes telling them to use the simple deodorant brand.
Now this is why I don’t trust Old Spice anymore. I grabbed my wife and 2 kids and we all went somewhere safe. We went to this strange place entitled Overboard Town. It was perfect over there. This girl named Luna served as our butler for everything. 
Well it’s been nice chatting with you but I gotta go take a dip in the pool in the place I now live in. Toodle loo!