False Flag

False Flag is the twelfth episode of season five, and the fifty-fourth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on August 25, 2021. 
== Synopsis ==
In order to start another war, Mr. Biden stages a foreign terrorist attack on Bikini Bottom. 
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens outside the front door of the Pineapple residence.]
Sir Sandy: [bangs her fist on the door] OPEN UP, PUNK, THIS IS THE SS!
Mr. Pineapple: Can you quiet down? I’m writing Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy fanfiction with Bubble Bass!
Sir Sandy: Nope.
[Sir Sandy breaks down the door and arrests Mr. Pineapple, while dozens of Secret Service Agents inspect the residence.]
Sir Sandy: Travis Pineapple, you are hereby under arrest for nuking Bikini Bottom, which is a crime against humanity. The punishment for this is death!
Mr. Pineapple: This is totally unfair! Kelpy G commits crimes against humanity for fun and gets to be Secretary of Defense, but I’m put to death for doing the same thing?!
Sir Sandy: That’s right. Now shut up, punk, before I make you!
[Cut to the Oval Office.]
Mr. Biden: [bangs his fist on the wall] Jack, do you know why I asked you to come here?
Mr. G: You didn’t ask me, you terminated my vacation! Let me guess, you want me to attend a military summit in Mexico! When I’m Mayor of New Kelp City, I—
Mr. Biden: To answer this question: how many countries are we currently bombing? Seven, right?
Mr. G: Nine.
Mr. Biden: NINE?! Jack, you call yourself a war criminal, yet you bombed just nine countries?!
Mr. G: Hey! We’re killing civilians at record speed! We could possibly beat both Trump and Bush—
Mr. Biden: Our military should be bombing exactly eleven countries, maybe more, nothing less!
Mr. G: Why eleven?
Mr. Biden: Because it’s my lucky number.
Mr. G: You really are something, Joe. Before you wanted me to do lame diplomatic shit,but now you want me to bomb two more countries! Well I like the new you! I shall drop out of the mayoral race!
Mr. Biden: I’m just fulfilling a promise to a late friend...
[Cut to the Trump Jr headquarters, where the TV is playing.]
Mr. Trump Jr: Dad, you’re the only famous person who hasn’t endorsed Kelpy G! Please endorse me!
Mr. Trump: Hmm...I don’t know, son, you are quite pathetic—
Mr. Perkins: [on the TV] This just in, Kelpy G has dropped out of the mayoral race, making Donald Trump Jr the winner by default!
Mr. Trump: I guess I don’t need to endorse you now. YOU SUCK!
[Cut back to the Oval Office.]
Mr. G: So, what two countries should we bomb?
Mr. Biden: Hmm...
[Flashback to a phone call between Mr. Biden and Leader Plankton last night.]
Mr. Biden: Hey, Leader Plankton, can you please give me your universe thingy majiggy?
Mr. Plankton: No, you cannot have the Universe Traveler.
Mr. Biden: I’ll give you all the money you want! I control the treasury of the world’s largest economy, and I’m good friends with Squilliam—
Mr. Plankton: No, you cannot have the Universe Traveler.
Mr. Biden: [starts crying] I’m begging you, Leader Plankton! Please! 
Mr. Plankton: Why do you even want it so bad?! 
Mr. Biden: First, I want to make sure these are no universes where the Palestinians aren’t being ethnically cleansed! Second, I want to find a version of Ms. Pineapple that’ll fuck me! 
Leader Planton: No, you cannot have the Universe Traveler.
Mr. Biden: Who the fuck do you think you are, Jack? You’re a terrorist!
Mr. Plankton: So I’m a terrorist now? You didn’t have that attitude when you offered me money a minute ago, and when the Obama administration helped me overthrow a democratically-elected government in 2012—
Mr. Biden: And it’s about time you returned the favor!
Mr. Plankton: Well...the Universe Traveler is my most important invention. You can have anything else, but not the Universe Traveler.
Mr. Biden: Jack, give me the damn thing or hang up the damn phone!
Mr. Plankton: Alrighty then. [hangs up]
[The flashback ends.]
Mr. Biden: Leader Plankton must pay dearly for not giving me his universe thingy majiggy!
Mr. G: But sir, he’s been one of our closest allies for the past eight years, it wouldn’t make sense to suddenly accuse his regime of terrorism and bomb the shit out of it, as much as I like bombing the shit out of things.
Mr. Biden: Well, so was Osama bin Laden, until—
Mr. G: 9/11! I got it! We stage a repeat of 9/11, and blame it on Leader Plankton!
Mr. Biden: I like the way you think, Jack. And if we add up Bikini Bottom and Leader Plankton’s Bikini Bottom, we’re bombing a total of eleven countries! Let’s do it!
Mr. G: Well, we need to recruit someone. We can’t just do it ourselves…
[Suddenly, a gleeful Mr. Banana runs in.]
Mr. Banana: You have to see this, Joe! [turns on the TV]
Mr. Perkins: [on the TV] This just in, B.B. Travis Pineapple has been arrested by the Secret Service after it was found that he was the perpetrator of the Bikini Bottom nuclear attack, and he is expected to receive the death penalty for this crime. Sir Sandy, you were the arresting officer, what do you have the say about all this?
Sir Sandy: [on the TV] Well, I must say that we’ve been unaware of his activities for a long time. My agents looked around his residence and found multiple fanfictions about a terrorist attack on Bikini Bottom. We handed them over to the President’s archives, where they can be safe—
Mr. Biden: [turns off the TV and collapses] THIS IS TERRIBLE!
Mr. Banana: THIS IS GREAT!
Mr. Biden: Shut up, you monster! 
Mr. G: This is great!
Mr. Biden: Shut up, you—
Mr. G: Didn’t you hear about his fanfictions? We can recruit him for the false flag attack!
Mr. Biden: Oh yeah.
[Cut to Mr. Pineapple’s cell at the Bikini Bottom Jail.]
Mr. Pineapple: Well, this sucks.
[Suddenly Mr. Biden walks in.]
Mr. Biden: Nope. Because you’re in for a triple-win.
[He then opens the cell door.]
Mr. Biden: First, you’re pardoned.
Mr. Pineapple: Yay!
Mr. G: And second, you'll have all resources available to carry out a terrorist attack on Bikini Bottom!
Mr. Pineapple: Yay! But why?
Mr. G: We need you to attack Bikini Bottom so we can blame it on Leader Plankton and attack his Bikini Bottom.
Mr. Pineapple: Wow! Attacking not just one Bikini Bottom, but two?! It’s a dream come true! Anyway, what’s the third win?
[Mr. Biden rips off all his clothes.]
Mr. Biden: You get to fuck the president! 
[Mr. Pineapple then closes the cell door.]
Mr. Pineapple: I change my mind, I reject the pardon. 
Mr. Biden: Nope. [opens the cell door again, and pulls Mr. Pineapple out of the cell] I’ll call Squilliam!
[The next morning, at Goo Lagoon.]
Mr. Lobster: Ah, another day at the beach! Goo Lagoon is the second best thing in my life, after President Donald J. Trump! The government can go suck it [rubs some sunscreen on his nose] if they want to close this place again—
[Suddenly, in the distance, a bomb is dropped on Little Saint Fancyson Island, creating a huge explosion.]
Mr. Lobster: OH NO! NOT LITTLE SAINT FANCYSON ISLAND! I heard there were children there, I don’t know why exactly, but I must rescue them!
[Mr. Lobster dives into the lagoon and quickly swims to Little Saint Fancyson Island, only to see everything destroyed.]
Mr. Lobster: This can only mean one thing... A TERRORIST ATTACK!
[Cut to a boat halfway between Little Saint Fancyson Island and New Kelp City.]
Mr. Fancyson: Congratulations on becoming Mayor of New Kelp City.
Mr. Trump Jr: What was that? Oh yeah, thanks! I’m sure my term will be easy.
Mr. Fancyson: [smirks] You sure about that? [points at the smoke coming from the island]
Mr. Trump Jr: I’ll spend my days vacationing there—OH DEAR NEPTUNE WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!
Mr. Fancyson: Terrorist attack. This’ll dominate your term, just so you know.
[Cut to a noisy town hall inside the Krusty Krab.]
Mr. Trump Jr: Settle down, settle down, as your new mayor, we’ll get to the bottom of this!
Mr. Lobster: Settle down?! I saw the destruction with my own eyes! This type of attack would’ve never happened under the Trump administration! So many children were killed! [sobs]
Mr. Trump Jr: Actually, we are under a Trump administration.
Mr. Lobster: A pseudo-Trump administration!
Mr. Renaud: WHY, WHY MUST IT BE THE CHILDREN?! Whoever bombed that place should’ve at least let me fuck them before doing what they did!  [sobs]
Mr. Tentacles: Why were they so many children there—
Mr. G: That’s irrelevant. Anyways, I am here to announce the perpetrator of this horrific bombing. It was none other than—
Mr. Lobster: THE CABAL!
Mr. Pepperchicken: THE HOMOSEXUALS!
Mr. G: It was Leader Plankton!
[The crowd gasps.]
Mr. G: Now tell me, what do we do about this?
12-Year-Old: We slaughter that terrorist and anyone that gets in our way!
Mr. G: That’s the spirit! Say, how would you like to enlist in the Army?
12-Year-Old: But I’m 12—
Mr. G: So?
Mr. Renaud: Kelpy G, what do you think you’re doing? 12-year-olds do not belong in the Army, they belong in my studio!
[Cut to the Oval Office.]
Mr. Pineapple: THAT WAS AWESOME! Seeing all those war criminals pay for what they’ve done! 
Mr. Banana: War criminals? They were ordinary citizens. 
Mr. Pineapple: You mean citizens of the imperial core, which means that they funded war crimes! 
Mr. Banana: They were children. They don’t pay taxes. 
Mr. Pineapple: No Bikini Bottomite is innocent. 
Mr. Biden: Enough talk! Let’s move to phase two of the operation. Invading Leader Plankton’s Bikini Bottom. 
Mr. Pineapple: But are we gonna get there if we don’t have the Universe Traveler? 
Mr. Biden: I’ll invite Leader Plankton here to have a meeting, then you, Mr. G, and eventually the entire military will sneak into the portal. 
Mr. Pineapple: But he’ll see us!
Mr. Biden: Not so fast! Mr. Banana’s cum turns people invisible! Go on Mr. Banana, spray her! 
Mr. Banana: I can’t just do that at command! I have to be in the mood!
Mr. Biden: Come on, Mr. Banana. It’s Ms. PINEAPPLE, we’re talking after all. [winks]
Mr. Banana: Ms....P-Pineapple…? You mean...like a...like a fruit? [his girthy banana cock then hardens] COME HERE, BABY! GIVE ME SOME OF THAT PINEAPPLE PUSSY! [jumps on Mr. Pineapple]
Mr. Biden: Man I wish that were me…
[The next day, the Universe Traveler carrying Mr. Plankton arrives right outside the White House doors. Mr. Plankton steps out.]
Mr. Biden: Jack, do you know why I asked you to come here?
Mr. Plankton: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME YOU ARE NOT GETTING MY UNIVERSE TRAVELER—
Mr. Biden: Oh, nevermind that! I asked you to come here for a new arms deal. It’s been nine years since the coup, and I thought you’d need some more money and arms to combat the resistance!
Mr. Plankton: Wonderful! Apologies for my little outburst!
Mr. Biden: Apology accepted! Come on in!
[As Mr. Plankton steps inside, Mr. Biden slowly closes the door, gesturing an invisible invasion force to march into the Universe Traveler.]
[Cut to Leader Plankton’s Bikini Bottom.]
Bikini Bottom Army Private: So, uh, what do we do now?
Mr. G: What do you think, private, commit war crimes!
Mr. Pineapple: THIS IS FOR ALL THE VICTIMS OF WAR CRIMES! 
[He runs towards a packed hospital and throws a bomb into it, killing hundreds. The episode then ends.]
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