Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events/Transcript

Bum buttery flit fluttery Dum diddly-ooh Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune Daffodil dillies awaken and prune Bursting in bloom All the flowers assume It's a loverly, loverly spring
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing along Humming their join-in-a-spring-along song Spring is the springiest time for a song It's a loverly, loverly spring In the forest we play with the rabbits all day...
I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching.
The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant.
If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two.
However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organisations, then stay as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps.
My name is Lemony Snicket and it is my sad duty to document this tale.
Violet Baudelaire, the eldest, was one of the finest 14-year-old inventors in the world.
Anyone who knew Violet well could tell she was inventing something when her long hair was tied up in a ribbon.
In a world of abandoned items and discarded materials, Violet knew there was always something.
Something she could fashion into nearly any device for nearly every occasion.
And no one was better to test her inventions than her brother.
Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child, loved books, or rather, the things he learnt from books.
The Baudelaire parents had an enormous library in their mansion.
A room filled with thousands of books on nearly every subject.
And nothing pleased Klaus more than spending an afternoon filling up his head with their contents.
And everything he read, he remembered.
Sunny, the youngest, had a different interest.
She liked to bite things and had four sharp teeth.
There was very little that Sunny did not enjoy biting.
Sunny was at an age when one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks.
For instance...
Which probably meant, "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog."
Or perhaps, "What is a banker like Mr Poe doing trudging through the sand
"to find us at Briny Beach?"
Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event.
I'm very sorry to tell you your parents have perished in a fire that's destroyed your entire home.
If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels.
And if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.
No one knows the precise cause of the Baudelaire fire.
My colleagues and I have investigated the best we can, but all we've discovered is that the blaze was started from a great distance through the refraction and convergence of light, and within moments, the entire mansion was in flames.
And as mysterious as the source of the blaze, other mysteries began to unfold before the children's eyes.
Every family has its secrets, doors left unopened, but as Klaus now realised, the smallest discovery would send his mind reeling with questions.
What was this spyglass, hidden in his father's desk?
Were there other secrets about their parents' lives yet to be revealed?
Questions he now feared might never be answered.
And just like that, the Baudelaire children became the Baudelaire orphans.
I tried to warn you.
This is an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theatre, living room or aeroplane where this film is being shown.
It's not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.
Yes, come with me.
Now, as chief officer of Mulctuary Management, and the executor of your parents' estate, it is my legal obligation to take care of your money till you come of age, and to place you in the care of your closest relative.
So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf who resides right here in the city, just 37 blocks away.
I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.
We don't know a Count Olaf. Of course you do.
He's either your third cousin four times removed or fourth cousin three times removed.
Someone's brain's been removed.
Sunny!
And he's an actor by trade. Isn't that exciting, children?
You should count yourselves lucky, children.
This sort of generosity is rare in a person of his profession.
Here we are, your new home.
Isn't it lovely, children?
Hello.
You must be the Baudelaires.
Hi.
I was so sorry to hear about the accident, but so happy to hear you were coming here.
Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss of the city high court.
I'm Violet and this is my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.
Poe, Mulctuary Management.
How do you do? Lovely.
Your house is so beautiful. Thank you.
Please, don't be strangers. Come visit me any time you like.
Visit? You don't live with Count Olaf?
Live with Count Olaf? No! No, no.
He's my neighbour.
Let's sleep outside.
Intrude!
We haven't got all day. In you go.
Well, hello, hello, hello.
I am your beloved Count Olaf.
And welcome to my loverly home.
May you find solace within the womb-like warmth of its downy plume.
Or as the Greeks in the ancient times would say, "Orphanis encribo, something, something, something..."
Music builds to a crescendo.
Ending on the right foot.
And strike a Fosse!
Not exactly what I was going for, but you get the idea.
My dear
Violet.
Enchanté.
How do you do?
And this must be Klaus.
Young Klaus.
Your left side is the good one.
And what is this?
I'm Sunny.
I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.
Banana.
I am not a monkey!
Sunny's our sister.
I must say, you're a gloomy-looking bunch.
Why so glum?
Our parents just died.
Yes, of course. How very, very awful.
Wait, let me do that one more time.
Give me the line again. Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.
Our parents just... died?
Yes.
What a schmuck!!
Mr Poe.
I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.
And though you would call it a burden, a sacrifice, you are mistaken, sir, and should be ashamed of yourself!
The idea!
Anyway, where do I sign for the fortune... I mean, children?
You won't officially have guardianship until the hearing on Thursday morning.
And what am I to do with them until then?
Excuse me?
What I mean is... Do you work out?
You look good. Healthy, I mean.
Well, I'd better get back to the bank.
Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?
A glass of port? Sanka?
I suppose... Another time then.
Children, if you need anything... No, we're fine. We're all fine.
Any questions...
I realise that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire Mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon and I think it'll be quite charming when it's finished.
Shall we take a look?
This is the living room.
The kitchen.
I know what you're thinking.
This place could use a little TLC.
I trust you've had your tetanus sh*ts. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.
This is the entertainment or rumpus room.
I'm told the ceiling can be brought up to code in no time.
You're not afraid of heights, are you?
Imagine that. A monkey afraid of heights.
My theatre. This way.
What's that up there?
The tower, which you are never to enter,
under any circumstances.
This is where you'll sleep, time permitting. Nighty-night.
But the sun's still up. But the sun's still up.
I don't know if you've ever noticed, but first impressions are often entirely wrong.
For instance, Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all.
But by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were thick as thieves.
A phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end."
In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Orphans!
...they were correct.
Every morning, Count Olaf would order the Baudelaires to do a great number of terrible chores.
After which, he would stalk off to his mysterious tower room.
And as unfortunate as their situation seemed, it was only about to get worse.
I woke up in a tub full of ice in Baja, and I realised that these girls had stolen my kidney.
No!
Imagine my surprise.
Orphans, this is my acting troupe.
Acting troupe, orphans. They don't look rich.
Ugly little people.
Why aren't you children in the kitchen preparing our dinner?
Dinner?
It's the French word for the evening meal.
On the back. Flip it.
We'll take it in the dining room at 8:00.
We expect absolute silence while we're rehearsing our play.
But we've never made dinner before.
It's already 7:30. 8:00!
Pasta it is.
Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.
Now, who shall play the most handsome count in all the world?
Would you do it, sir?
All right.
Pasta Puttanesca. That's Italian for "very few ingredients."
That's great.
Sunny, a little help.
I'm on it.
Okay, we're going to need a pot. No pot.
And a strainer. No strainer.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
And a saucepan.
This is a little piece I like to call "Electric Chair".
I think you might have to turn it up.
Is anybody out there?
Strainer. That's brilliant.
Sunny, how's that pot coming?
Voilà.
Sunny, that's not a pot.
It's a spittoon.
A spittoon? You mean, like...
We'll wash it twice.
Well?
It's good. It's really good.
Time check.
Let's go back to prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the Earth.
Baudelaire orphans to the courtesy desk.
What do you want?
Dinner is served.
Puttanesca.
What did you call me?
It's pasta. Pasta Puttanesca.
Where's the roast beef?
Roast beef?
Beef. Yes. Roast beef.
It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted.
But you didn't tell us you wanted roast beef.
You know, there's a big world out there filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across an ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow that is cast by my accomplishments.
But I don't care about them.
I chose to open my heart to you two loverly children and your hideous primate.
All I ask in return is that you do every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.
No. Why, you little...
Back off, parrot face!!
I'll bite higher!
Don't mock me!
Wow. You are nuts.
It's time you children learnt a little respect.
Back! Put her down!
You monster!
You all saw it. The boy slipped.
You won't get a cent until Violet turns 18.
Really?
Says who? The law. Look it up.
We're going to call Mr Poe about this right now.
Are you?
I'm very disappointed in you, children.
Where were we?
Are you okay? No.
Klaus, what are you doing?
I'm going. Going where?
Home.
This is our home now.
This is not home.
Home is where your parents put you to bed at night, where they teach you to ride a bike, or where they get choked up on your first day of school.
This is not home.
How could they do this to us?
They're just bad people.
Not them. Mom and Dad.
Klaus. Violet, you're thinking it too.
How could they? They had no plan for us at all?
Well, maybe they did have a plan.
Well, it sure looks like it to me.
Do you remember when Mom and Dad went to Europe?
We thought they'd abandoned us because they didn't even write.
We found out they'd written a letter that got lost in the mail.
Do you remember how guilty we felt for thinking bad thoughts about them?
This is just like that.
No, it's not.
Why?
Because they're not in Europe.
They're not coming back.
Do you think anything will ever feel like home again?
"Sanctuary" is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world.
Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.
The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening in the sanctuary they built together.
I see it, I see it.
But in their hearts they knew the troubling world lay outside.
Like this.
A world, which I'm sad to say, can be described in two dismal words.
Custody granted.
Thank you, Your Honour. Nice doing business with you.
Children, I've been contemplating our situation and I realise that I've been a bit standoffish, shall we say?
Which in this case is a big, big word meaning...
Pure evil.
...tough but fair.
But now that we're family, I can make it up to you.
I can be the ultimate dad.
I know. Let's stop for a treat.
Soda. Soda. Banana.
Bite me.
Got it.
Violet.
Where'd the locks go?
Hello. I'm going on a perfectly innocent ride in the country with my kids, whom I love.
Is that clock correct?
What is it?
I think it's a schedule.
Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favourite.
Go!
He took the keys.
Try everything.
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing
Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.
I'm calling about that inheritance question you raised.
Thank goodness. Who is this?
It's Violet. We're in Count Olaf's car.
Hello, Violet. Where's Count Olaf?
He's not here right now, but... You're driving the car alone?
The car is on the train tracks and the train is coming.
I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing. I'm driving next to a train!
We're going to be hit by a train.
Right. Yes. I can't hear because of the train!
I'll call you back when I get to the bank! Goodbye!
Klaus, you've read books on trains.
What do we do?
Track switcher.
There!
It's too far away. No.
There has to be something we can use to pull it.
There's nothing in here. There's always something.
Sunny, bite the head off that elf.
Love to!
Quick, pull it back in.
Violet. I got it.
I don't mean to rush you.
Nice shot. Thank you. Pull.
Mr Poe. Dear Mr Poe.
Can't we discuss this like reasonable men?
I'm sorry, but allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is not good parenting.
He tried to k*ll us. Let us not exaggerate.
The vehicle was not even in gear.
May I have a moment alone with the children?
Goodbye, kids.
It's been fun.
I'm going to get you.
No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you.
You are so deceased.
Take them, Mr Poe.
Before I lose it big time.
Trumping a talentless villain might seem all in a day's work for three ingenious orphans, but the Baudelaires savoured their victory as they sped towards their new home.
What lay ahead for them was unclear, but they remained cautiously optimistic that their next guardian would be better than the last, or at least wouldn't try to flatten them with a train.
Do you know what kind of scientist he is?
I don't. I was far too busy making arrangements.
I didn't have time for chitchat. Hello!
Oh, my goodness.
Look at you. You must be Violet.
Do you remember me?
I don't suppose so, you were just a little baby at the time.
And, Klaus, we've never met. How do you...
What a firm grip. Like a Burmese python.
And Sunny. Little Sunny.
You look so much like your dear mother.
Thank you very much, Mr Poe. I'll take it from here.
Well, perhaps I should come inside. By all means.
You could help us pick out the gut worms from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.
Children, remember, if you need me any time, you can reach me by phone or fax.
Good day.
Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?
Come in. Come in.
There's not much time and we have to pack.
Pack?
Did you say "pack"? Yes.
We have to pack all the equipment.
Then there's the essentials like clothing.
And we have to tag the snakes who are coming with us.
Coming where?
Did I mention we're going to Peru? No.
Yes, we are going to Peru. Tomorrow morning.
Isn't that exciting?
This way to the Reptile Room.
Welcome to my humble abode.
You children know anything about snakes?
Only what I've read in books.
No, not very much.
Well, we may have one or two things here that aren't in books.
I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and introduce you to a few of me friends.
Over here...
That's the two-headed cobra. Well spotted.
Is that a he or a she?
I have no idea. Didn't think it polite to ask.
And over here, the Tibetan Third Eye Toad.
We can't stop this fellow chanting.
And now, children, you have to see my latest discovery.
Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.
The Incredibly Deadly Viper.
My assistant Gustav and I may be the only people ever to have seen him.
I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.
Let me just adjust it here.
There we are.
Now...
Where was I?
Yes. The attack of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.
Not to worry, little one. You're all right.
It can't possibly harm you. Here we go.
The Incredibly Deadly Viper couldn't have harmed her?
No, no.
It's a big softy.
One of the least harmful and friendliest creatures in the animal kingdom.
It's a misnomer.
I only called him that to play a prank on those stuffed shirts down at the Herpetological Society.
Uncle Monty, why are we going to Peru?
Just this morning I was wondering, "How are we all going to get out of town together?"
And I thought, "Peru." They have snakes in Peru, don't they?
But why are we getting out of town?
Violet, do you know snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them?
Few people do.
When threatened, a snake will retreat to a place that is quiet, safe, remote.
A sanctuary where it can feel out of danger.
That's why Peru.
Wait. That spyglass. I saw one like that...
Plenty of time for chitchat later.
But right now what I need is an inventor, a reader and a biter.
Know any?
My teeth are at your service, Sir...
High upon Highlands and low upon Tay Bonnie George Campbell rode out on a day Saddled and bridled, so gallant rode he Home came his good horse but never came he
Petunia, what have I told you about this?
She thinks I'm a tree, you know.
I think I know that song.
I think... I think our parents used to play it for us.
They certainly did, as I did for mine.
You had children? Oh, yes.
And a wife and a home.
Until the fire.
A fire?
I may know better than anyone what you're going through.
But it's going to be all right.
We'll be among people who understand us.
People who are like us.
People who appreciate unique children who can read and invent and bite things.
Uncle Monty, why are you doing all this for us?
Isn't that what family does?
"And so the Baudelaire children went to Peru
"and together had wonderful adventures
"with their loving and wonderful new guardian.
"The end."
These are the words I desperately wish I could type.
I would give anything to say that the story ends here.
But alas, my mission is not to weave happy endings where they do not occur, but to report the actual events in the lives of the unfortunate Baudelaire children.
And as much as it pains me, I must confess that their troubles had only just begun and it did so with two musical notes.
Hello.
I am looking for Dr Montgomery Montgomery.
I am Stephano.
I am an Italian man and I am here to assist him in his research as best I can as well as to facilitate and remain observatory.
You're Count Olaf.
Now, why would you say something like that?
I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf, but...
If I had I'm sure he would look and sound completely different.
You're Olaf and we're not letting you in.
Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis.
Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids.
Words of wisdom indeed, Mr Stephano.
You caught me being a mentor.
And bless you for coming at such short notice.
Not at all, not at all.
My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick and phoned not one hour ago.
He'd give anything to be here right now.
Thank goodness you were available.
Well, I am... I am a fan, if I may gush.
Your work has profoundly influenced my research up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium on the sea snake.
It's a very volatile animal, that... Perhaps we should...
I've been bitten 43... 700 times.
Mostly on the face. A lot of this has been reconstructed.
But I think they did one heck of a job, even though my moustache is a tad askew.
You can't be buying this.
But I wonder if I could get the kids to help me in with my bags.
My left side is somewhat neurologically challenged.
But of course. Children... Uncle Monty...
Please.
Let us not be rude to our guest. Now, go on.
What's he up to? I don't know.
There is no good moment, of course, for a notorious villain to arrive, but the timing of Olaf's reappearance, just when Dr Montgomery's secret could be revealed to the children, was almost more than Klaus could bear.
Violet, listen to me.
Monty's spyglass. I saw the exact same one in Dad's desk.
Klaus, it's just a coincidence.
Violet, no. Everything happens for a reason.
The children will be helping us with the research in Peru.
Do you have any experience with children?
Children are strange and foreign to me.
I never really was one.
I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.
He's never gonna let us alone with Monty.
We've got to get a message to him. Leave that to me.
I was feeding the moray, and of course I got cocky.
And that's all it takes. That's all it takes is one time.
Just once.
I had the kipper in my mouth and I offered it.
And there was a team from National Geographic that were there.
They were filming the whole thing and, well, a lot of people don't know this about the moray, but you think this can't be a tremendously strong animal.
Sure, it has a certain amount of strength, but how does it pull a man's face into a cave?
Anyway, long story short, the bends, the reconstructive surgery, but yes, from my understanding, Peru is a wonderful place.
The beaches. The people.
The relaxed guardianship laws.
Relaxed guardianship laws?
Did I say that?
Darn neurotoxins.
Stephano, you have a wonderful gift for storytelling.
Doesn't he, children? Oh, yeah.
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me.
Petunia.
Well, the milking...
Now, see, what I was... Could I just...
Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.
Now, they used to call me Old MacDonald up at the milking lab there.
I'd milk these things all day long.
But the little udders, they're hard to locate.
Anyway, why don't you take that and go ahead and start the party without me.
I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.
I'll take a gander.
Is he still watching?
Yes.
Don't look at me. Pretend you're talking to Klaus.
Okay.
I got your message. Don't worry, I know.
You do? Yes.
A moray eel would never eat kippers. Far too salty.
Did you see the way he kept glancing into my satchel where I keep the exotic snake venoms?
You children were right. Stephano is an imposter.
Yes. Yeah.
A spy from the Herpetological Society, here to steal the Incredibly Deadly Viper.
No. Uncle Monty...
Darn. All finished.
I was so looking forward to the milking.
Isn't it about time you kids went to bed?
Absolutely.
Early start tomorrow, children.
Off you go.
Good night.
And if you kids should get restless during the night, I'm right down the hall and I'm a very light sleeper.
In fact, I hardly sleep at all.
Do you have a hall pass?
I didn't think so.
Petunia, I'm going to miss you.
You're such a good girl, aren't you?
Such a pretty girl.
You are. Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one.
Uncle Monty?
It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking that there's one more stair than there is.
Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise.
Uncle Monty?
The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they may have found home again.
A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.
I do feel somewhat responsible for this tragedy.
I should've taken it upon myself to warn him that the Incredibly Deadly Viper is the most deadly snake in the entire ecosystem.
I should know. I discovered it.
You what? Detective?
Little girl, the big cage door is open, no snake. Dead guy.
You know what I'm thinking?
"Who woke me up at 9:00 in the morning for this?"
It's definitely a snake bite. There's no question about it.
Snake bite, no question. Thanks, doc.
No, you don't understand.
The Incredibly Deadly Viper couldn't have k*lled him.
It's one of the least dangerous and most friendly creatures in the animal kingdom.
Mind if I skip the paperwork on this?
I think that'd be best.
These kids have been through a major upheaval.
I wonder if it's a good idea even to change their plans at this point.
We were headed for Peru tomorrow and the tickets are non-refundable. No.
Doc, what do you think?
Could be the only chance for them to get closure.
Closure. Thank you, doc.
I'll handle this.
From interviews with witnesses there that day, I have learnt the following about the youngest Baudelaire's plan, brave Sunny started here and approached the Incredibly Deadly Viper with single-minded determination.
No, he's Count Olaf and that doctor is his accomplice.
He tried to k*ll us with a train.
Where would he get a train? Where am I gonna get a train?
That's enough of this foolishness.
Mr Stephano bears no resemblance to Count Olaf.
Who is this incredibly handsome Count Olaf they keep speaking of?
Count Olaf is their old guardian who made an error in judgement.
What about the tattoo?
Count Olaf had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.
Anything for the kids.
Voilà! Spick-and-span.
He's an actor. He covered it with makeup.
Doctor, I wonder if you could help me escort these children to the vehicle.
No, Mr Poe. We'll send a postcard.
About one thing all the witnesses agreed.
The sound they heard next was so shocking, so surprising, it still haunts them to this day.
Damn it. This was such a good character.
Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune Rest assured, children, the authorities are in hot pursuit of Mr Stephano, from his eyebrow-less forehead to his un-tattooed ankle.
The Italian fiend.
Though still in the clutches of a clueless banker, the Baudelaires celebrated their unmasking of Olaf as they skimmed their way across the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.
But Klaus wasn't the sort to think on the surface of anything.
He knew there was something beneath their journey, even though all he had to go on was a spyglass, the knowledge of another terrible fire and two words on a slip of paper.
Aunt Josephine?
Never heard of her.
Does it strike you as odd that none of our relatives are related to us?
Aunt Josephine?
Baudelaires?
Is that you? Yes.
Good.
Come in. Come in.
Hurricane Herman is about to arrive at any time now.
Violet. Look at you.
Hello.
Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.
What? What's the matter?
Not that quickly.
You could trip over the welcome mat and decapitate yourselves.
So... Quickly.
But not too quickly. All right?
I'm sorry. It's so chilly in here.
Sometimes it gets so cold I can hardly stand it.
Would you like me to turn the radiator up for you?
No, I never turn on the radiator. I'm frightened that it might explode.
Children, I must ask you not to use any of the doorknobs in the house.
Just push on the wood of the door and it'll open.
Why?
I'm always afraid that the doorknobs will shatter into a million tiny pieces and one of them will hit my eye.
Someone's been to crazy town.
"Delmo" is not a word.
I can see that I'm going to have to teach her proper English.
Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don't you find?
Definitely. I love grammar.
She's the Mayorof crazy town.
Perfect. Nice hot soup.
Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.
I never cook anything hot.
I'm afraid that the stove will burst into flames.
Where's your brother? The kitchen.
Klaus?
What are you doing?
Napkins.
Napkins are here.
Come away from the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat.
All right.
Would you like to see some pictures?
Careful. Don't get a paper cut.
Is this lke?
Wasn't he handsome?
Look at all the things you did, Aunt Josephine.
You tamed lions?
I was quite adventurous when lke was alive.
Uncle Monty? You knew Uncle Monty?
No. That's not a good picture of me.
Wait, is...
Is that our parents? Was this some sort of club?
Why do you all have these spyglasses?
I don't like the way I look in that picture.
Did lke die in a fire?
Silly child, no.
He was eaten by leeches.
Okay.
Come, I'll show you.
Watch the chandelier, children.
If it falls, it'll impale you.
Ike and I explored every cove and inlet of Lake Lachrymose, from Horrid Harbour all the way over to Curdled Cave, way over there.
And near that rock is where the leeches att*cked.
Lachrymose leeches have six rows of very sharp teeth and one very sharp nose.
They are blind, but they can smell food on a human from miles away.
And if they smell food, they will swarm.
I told him, "lke, you must wait one hour before going into the water."
But he only waited 45 minutes.
I apologise, children.
That area is private. That was lke's room.
God, I hate it here.
Well, Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought of maybe moving someplace else?
Maybe if you moved away from Lake Lachrymose you might feel better.
I could never, never, never, never sell this house.
I'm terrified of realtors.
There are two kinds of fears, rational and irrational.
Being afraid of realtors is an irrational fear.
Is this a bad time?
We gotta get her out of the house.
Watch out for those avocados.
The pit could become lodged in our throats.
And watch out for that cart. It could break free and run us over.
Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.
Lord tunderin' jumped up Jehovah.
Is it the black plague?
No, that there was all my fault, eywah.
Can't tell ya how sorry I is for running into your sister there like that.
Aunt Josephine... Couple of right beauties ya are, mum.
Especially you.
Aunt Josephine...
Allow me to introduce meself. No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.
Klaus and me.
It doesn't matter. This is... Doesn't matter?
Are you jiggin' me, girl?
Why, perhaps it's just the ramblin's of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one most important thing in this here world to me.
It is?
Is she desperate?
It's the whole ball of wax.
The entire kit 'n caboodle. Why, without your good grammar, the whole darn sh**t' match could go arse over tea kettle.
Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
I can flip it up and rub it down too.
Course, that would be entirely up to you, mum.
Captain Sham at your service.
He's lying. He's Count Olaf.
That... That horrible man you warned me about?
Where? Who? Right in front of you.
Where's he at? Behind Captain Sham?
I'll show him a ting or two.
I'll give him the ol' wax on, wax off, me son.
Captain Sham is Count Olaf.
I'm not going through this again.
Children of the corn!
Why did you do this to this poor man?
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
That's gonna smart in the mornin'.
I don't pay that no never mind, mum.
He's just a boy barely out of his OshKosh B'Gosh.
I've had to deal with that ever since me leg was chewed off by the Lachrymose leeches.
Why didn't I wait an hour before swimmin'?
Why? Why? Why?
The leeches took my husband too. Get out of town.
No, really.
By jeez, them blasted leeches doomed me to a life of hoppin', they did.
Sure I get the good parkin' spots, but who could love a man with one leg and a face like a hen's arse?
I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.
Oh, Captain Sham.
Would you come to my house for dinner this evening?
No. No.
I don't know about that, mum.
I'm afeared I might scuff up the floors with this old cribbage peg.
Well, I will lay down newspapers.
Please, the children are going to make a lovely dinner of Puttanesca.
The very meal I ate before they took me leg!
Oh, my goodness. Well, children, I'm going to take Captain Sham home.
And you stay here and shop for an entirely Puttanesca-free dinner.
But... "But" is not a sentence, Klaus.
Aunt Josephine. Hey!
You haven't paid for that.
Kids today.
Aunt Josephine?
Are you here? Aunt Jo?
Are you here? Aunt Josephine?
Aunt Jo.
Oh, no. No!
We're too late.
What does it say?
It's a su1c1de note.
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny, "by the time you read this my life will be at its end.
"My heart is as cold as lke and I find life inbearable."
"Inbearable"? Go on.
"I know you may not understand the sad life of a dowadger..."
"Dowager" has one "D". Doesn't matter. Keep going.
"...or what would have led to this desperate act."
"Act" is spelt with a "C".
Why are you checking her spelling?
Her greatest joy was grammar. Why is she making all these mistakes?
If you were about to jump out a window, you might make a few mistakes too.
"Please know that I am happier this way.
"As my last will, I leave you in the care of Captain Sham, "a kind and honourable man."
That was his plan.
He made her write this and then pushed her out the window.
No, it's not a su1c1de note. It's a message.
It's not supposed to be "lke," it's supposed to be "ice" with a "C".
"Unbearable" with a "U".
All the way over to Curdled Cave, way over there.
She's not dead. She's hiding.
Curdled Cave?
Sunny!
He was investigating fires.
Klaus, we gotta go.
Come away from the fridge. What?
If it falls, it could crush you flat.
No way.
Is it over?
Violet, you better tie your hair up.
Violet, ideas?
Bring me that fire extinguisher.
Why?
Because we need to move this anchor over there.
What? Just help me.
On three, we're gonna break that beam.
Break it? Yes.
That's the only thing keeping us up. Exactly.
Sure you tied your hair tight enough? On three.
One.
Two.
Three.
Wait.
Hold on, Sunny. Now!
What do we do now?
She's alive. We have to go to the authorities.
No.
What? They won't listen. They never listen.
It's Olaf. He'll never stop. We have to find her ourselves.
Hey, you kids. It's Captain Sham, your new guardian.
You just stay where you're at and we'll come where you're to.
Ever read any books on sailing?
Klaus had read exactly 15 books on sailing and two books on meteorology.
But it is one thing to do something in theory, another to do it in practise.
Little could have prepared them for the crossing to Curdled Cave at the hands of an angry and ill-humoured lake.
But as the storm passed and the waters calmed, the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel a small sense of accomplishment.
A rare moment of joy in their otherwise woeful lives.
They had made it.
And if their guardian could not rescue them, then they would rescue their guardian.
Aunt Josephine?
Are you in here?
Aunt Josephine!
Children, you did it!
You deciphered the clues in my note.
We're so glad you're okay.
It was so horrible.
Count Olaf forced me to write that will and then it nearly k*lled me to add in all those grammatical errors.
So did you bring groceries? Groceries?
We just came through a storm. Well, so?
How do you expect us to live in this cave if you didn't bring any food?
Live in the cave?
No, Aunt Josephine, you have to come back with us.
You willed us to Captain Sham. You're proof it's a lie.
No, no, no.
It's too dangerous. I'm sorry. Too dangerous?
You're supposed to take care of us.
I'm not going to talk about it any more.
You know, Aunt Josephine, Curdled Cave is for sale.
So?
So, before too long, people are gonna come to look at it and some of those people will be realtors.
Aunt Josephine, what does this mean?
Where did you find that? I found it in lke's room.
The fires.
Why was he investigating fires?
We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and...
Our parents.
They were our leaders.
Children, there are good people and bad people in the world.
The ones who start the fires and the ones who put them out.
Who's doing this? Is it Olaf?
I've said too much already.
Your parents knew the answer and look what happened to them.
Our parents?
What did they say?
We should never have left that cave.
It's not too late for us to turn around. I'll take my chances with the realtors.
Aunt Josephine, what did our parents say?
We're going to die.
What?
It's the leeches!
I guess it's a good thing none of us have eaten in a while, then.
Guess again.
Aunt Josephine.
There's a crack in the boat!
Klaus, what do we do?
They're eating the boat!
We're sinking, sinking, sinking.
Klaus, paddle, please. Doomed. Doomed.
Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.
There's a boat. Over here! Over here!
But as unpleasant as Lachrymose leeches can be, there was something far more unpleasant arriving out of the fog.
Hello, hello, hello.
I missed you guys.
Looks like you could use a little assistance.
You're gonna need assistance when we get to town.
Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone.
Then I'll be sent to jail and you'll live happily with a friendly guardian, inventing and reading books, and sharpening your little monkey teeth.
Bravery and nobility will prevail at last and this wicked world will become a place of cheerful harmony.
Everyone will be singing, dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf.
A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?
Because I hardly think that anybody is going to believe a dead woman.
You won't touch her. She's gonna tell everyone what happened.
I won't tell anybody anything, I promise.
Don't throw me to the leeches. You can have the fortune, the children.
Aunt Josephine!
Please. Welcome aboard.
Hot potato.
I'll go away. I'll dye my hair, I'll change my name.
But what about us? Quiet, child. The adults are talking.
I suppose I don't have to k*ll you. No.
On the other hand, with that little stunt at the window, you hadn't been a very trustworthy person.
But I could show a little mercy.
Haven't.
What?
You said "hadn't." That's bad grammar.
You should've said, "You haven't been a very trustworthy person."
Thank you for correcting me.
Not at all.
No. No, no, no, Aunt Josephine.
You can't! Wait!
Jump!
Well, you get the picture.
Aunt Josephine.
Well, we've done all we can do.
Everybody be cool.
Children?
Is that you? Mr Poe!
We're... Drowning.
I saved him! I saved the boy from the leeches!
Back to the depths, you fingery devils.
You will not devour this boy's head today.
Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
Mr Poe, please.
Count Olaf, what are you doin' here, man?
I know, I know, I shouldn't have come.
But when I heard the children were in danger, I had to.
Even if I'm not fit to be their guardian.
It appears I was wrong about you, Count Olaf.
No. No.
No.
You have proven yourself to be an exceptionally capable guardian.
I would be remiss if I did not place the children with you immediately.
If it weren't for you, the... Don't say it!
I can't stand the thought of losing my little treasures.
Even the thought of the inheritance would be a reminder of my heartache.
There's no need to fret about that.
The law clearly states that you would not inherit the Baudelaire fortune if anything happened to the children. Say what?
With the exception, of course, of blood relatives and married couples.
Really?
Mr Poe, have I told you about our new play?
Critic.
Your cape, sir.
Don't try to get on my good side.
What is he up to? Why are we in the play?
He's using this as a prop.
It says that if two people are married, they're entitled to any money that either of them has. No, but it's just a play.
He can't get our fortune by marrying me in a play.
Oh, can't I? Conspirators.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die. Caesar must die.
In order to be valid, it has to be administered by a bona fide justice of the peace. It says so right here.
Justice Strauss, are you ready for your debut?
Thank you.
Look at you. Violet, you look so beautiful.
You are the bride, I'm the judge. Who's the groom?
No, you don't understand. The play is real.
Yes! Yes.
It must be real. That's why I cast you.
All the other actors I saw lacked the proper...
What's the word I'm looking for?
Hair? Hands?
Verisimilitude.
Now remember, Justice Strauss, you must say the words as you would in a real wedding. Get it absolutely right.
There are talent scouts looking for someone your age.
It's all riding on this one.
Why did you have to tell me that?
Oh, my God. Take her to makeup.
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.
This is ridiculous.
Violet's only 14. She can't be legally married.
She can if she has the permission of her guardian. Who's that?
Me!
Look it up, bookworm.
Yes. Once you say "I do" and sign the certificate, you'll really be my loverly bride.
You'll cook and clean and massage my bunions and clip my thick yellow toenails.
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
You gotta work at it.
I'll never say "I do". Never.
I think you might, once you look up there.
Let her go!
Gladly. Let her go.
No! Put a hold on that.
If you don't say "I do", or if anything should happen to interrupt this performance, I say one word into this and down will come baby, cradle and all.
How could you? She's an infant.
Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.
Violet.
You're 14 years old.
You should know by now that you can't have everything you want.
You want a life of happiness? A roof over your head?
A place to call your own and all that jazz?
And what about what I want?
I want that enormous fortune and for all investigations against me to cease.
You're going to help me get what I want.
Tonight.
My public awaits.
Ladies and gentlemen, could you put your appendages together for The Marvelouse Marriage.
No, you're not going to go through with this.
I have to. No, come on.
There's always something. There's always something.
No, not this time.
But... Camel, you're on.
Go, Klaus. Violet...
Go!
Move your hump, camel, you're on.
Nothing in the world will keep the count from his beloved bride Nothing in the world Nothing in the world Nothing, nothing
What a marvellous day for a marriage.
If only the handsome count were here to claim his bride.
With his full head of hair and great bravery, the count has no equal.
What would Violet do?
The courageous battle... What would Violet do?
...has waylaid him.
There's always something. There's always something.
And the quiet, bald-headed suitor has stolen the bride's affections.
Alas. The groom is a cad.
And nowhere near as handsome as the count.
If only for a miracle.
Some way for the handsome count to come and save...
What a thoroughly un-marvellous marriage this will be.
But wait.
What is that?
It's the count in his autogiro.
I didn't know they had this kind of budget.
Yes, it is I, come to marry my bride.
And you, sir, have been taken by surprise.
Caution. This next scene could get pretty graphic.
Away, rapscallion!
Hairless lothario!
Take that! And that!
Can I get some slack?
Let the wedding begin.
Don't look down.
"Do you, "Count Olaf, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, "in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"
Until death?
I most certainly do.
"Do you, Violet Baudelaire, take this Count Olaf, "to be your lawfully wedded husband, "in sickness and in health, till death do you part?"
Justice Strauss, I...
I do.
She doesn't deserve him. No.
Are you thinking that too? No, she doesn't.
Now, all that is left for this happy couple is to sign the marriage certificate, and this union shall be...
Official and legal.
Sunny, where's the key? The key to the lock.
The eye!
Right hand, please.
Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremely unfortunate event.
I'm very sorry to tell you your parents have perished in a fire that's destroyed your entire home.
These things don't just happen.
Come on, come on, come on!
Behind you!
Look what I did to your pretty little home.
Let's finish it.
Boss?
What is it? Kinda busy right now.
We've got a problem. Where are you?
Look up.
Hi.
And so concludes our play! No! Wait! It wasn't a play!
Olaf was gonna k*ll Sunny if I didn't go through with it.
Ridiculous.
No, you have to listen to me.
He was only marrying me to get to the Baudelaire fortune.
No, that part is true, actually.
Violet and I are, indeed, a blissfully wedded couple, because, you see, we were married in an official ceremony with official and legal vows in front of a bona fide justice of the peace.
Oh, my God, what have I done?
I'm sorry! I didn't know!
First order of business.
Put the other two brats up for adoption separately, into the far corners of the Earth.
These children are meddlesome when they're together.
Mr Poe. You unspeakable cad!
Arrest him!
For what?
For being a greedy monster! Come on.
I'm the monster?
You're the monster.
Come on. Come on.
These children tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.
No one ever listens to children.
Come on. Come on. You think you're innocent?
You're accomplices.
This certificate says that I have the fortune now.
Come on.
And there's nothing you can do about it!
What do you think? Too diabolical?
Give me some feedback.
Marriage is no picnic.
Oh, and by the way, you're a terrible actor.
Now, now.
Let's keep our heads here.
If you do anything to me, you're just sinking to my level.
Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.
Guilty.
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf was captured for crimes too numerous to mention.
And before serving his life sentence, it was the judge's decree that Olaf be made to suffer every hardship that he forced upon the children.
Get out! Get out!
Oh, no.
The Baudelaires had triumphed, a word which here means "unmasking a cruel and talentless arsonist, "and solving the mystery of the Baudelaire fire."
If only justice were as kind.
Count Olaf vanished after a jury of his peers overturned his sentence.
As for the Baudelaires, what lay ahead for them was unclear.
But one thing they knew, as they climbed once again into the back of Mr Poe's car.
They were moving on.
Don't worry, children.
I'm sure the authorities will catch up with Count Olaf very soon.
We'll all never have to deal with that terrible man again.
Before we leave, perhaps there's time for just one last stop.
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny." It's addressed to us.
Look at all these postmarks.
It's been to England and Rome and Kenya and Iceland.
I don't know where these are from. Who's it from?
Mom and Dad.
It's the letter.
The letter that never came.
"Dearest children, "since we've been abroad we have missed you all so much.
"Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels.
"One day, when you're older, "you will learn all about the people we have befriended
"and the dangers we have faced.
"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place.
"But believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad.
"All you have to do is look hard enough.
"And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events
"may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.
"We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings.
"But in case this letter arrives before our return, "know that we love you.
"It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, "that you will take care of each other with kindness and bravery
"and selflessness, as you always have.
"And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it.
"That no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, "you have your family and you are home.
"Your loving parents."
Passing the torch is a rite of passage that can take many forms.
But perhaps the least known and most surprising is the passing of a spyglass.
Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe, and they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves.
There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved, and they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence.
But this story is not about such people.
This story is about the Baudelaires.
And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something.
Something to invent, something to read, something to bite and something to do to make a sanctuary, no matter how small.
And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.
Oh, the captain loved the ladies But he dragged himself a wife Now he's wishin' he was fishin' But he's on the hook for life Well, I guess he shouldn't of oughta But he drowned her in the water And then a flounder downed her That's why they never found her
Bum buttery flit fluttery Dum diddly-ooh Bum buttery bluebird is singing a tune Daffodil dillies awaken and prune Bursting in bloom All the flowers assume It's a loverly, loverly spring
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing along Humming their join-in-a-spring-along song Spring is the springiest time for a song It's a loverly, loverly spring In the forest we play with the rabbits all day We visit the birdies and fishes There's nary a care when there's spring in the air The feeling is just too delicious Bum buttery buttercups all in a row Trilling and frilling and stealing the show May is the merriest month that I know It's a loverly, loverly La la loverly La la loverly spring
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