Sausage Party (TV Version)/Transcript

==Transcript==
===TV-MA version===
*Darren: Bye-bye, sausages.
*Sausages: (Screaming)
*Darren: Man, I hate this job!
*Carl: Hey, dude. Um... I don't know how to say this to you gently but... your girlfriend, um... she's an idiot, bro.
*Frank: Shut up! She's fresh as hell and you know it.
*Frank: Oh, my freaking freak.
*Honey Mustard: SCREW YOU, GODS!!! I got a date with oblivion.
*Sammy Bagel: I'm happy to meet all of you, except for this savage animal over here.
*Douche: Where's that freaking sausage?! Because this douche is DTSSU: Down-To-Smack-A-Sausage-Up!
*Twink: Once you see that stuff, it'll mess you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! (Laughing)
*Irish Potato: Being bathed by the hands of a god! Oh, Danny Boy... The pipes, the pipes are call... Oh, jesus! Oh, me skin! She's peeling off me skin!
*Carl: ...the... What?!
*Baby Carrot: We don't wanna die! Run!
*Camille Toh: (Singing) Oops.
*Baby Carrot: I want my mommy!
*Druggie: Bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! Aah. I'm tweaked! I'm tweaking!
*Barry: Whoa, dude! Just take it easy, just breathe, dude, just breathe. You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man. Just be with me. Be cool. This wave's gotta crash.
*Druggie: I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... With your gloves... and your little shoes and your arms and your legs!
*Pizza: Legs, huh? Look at me. Look at me. I ain't got no legs! You ate my freaking legs!
*Druggie: Oh, no, not Mr. Pizza! Oh, no! I've eaten so many of your family members! I've committed pizza genocide! Mr. Sausage, when will it end?
*Beer Can: When will it end? When he stops drinking us!
*All: Yeah!
*Two Oreo Cookies: And stops eating us!
*Sandwich: Same here!
*Pop Tart: Yeah!
*Toilet Paper: And when he stops using us!
*Krinkler's Chips: What did he do to you?
*Toilet Paper: You don't wanna know.
*Frank: Um... Friends. Ramen. Country Club Lemonade.
*Country Club Lemonade Can: Huh?
*Frank: Lend me your ears of Corn.
*Corn: (Sighs)
*Frank: I am Frank... and I am a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bogus.
*Curry Paste: What?
*Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
*Lettuce: You liar!
*Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof!
*Lemons: Ooh!
*Licorice Rope: What is this?
*Relish: It's... It's murder!
*Sammy Bagel Jr.: This... This makes no sense.
*Lavash: But what about the extra-virgin olive oil? My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps. I can't!
*Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. Guys! Easy! Look, I have a plan. We can run.
*Caramel Apple Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
*Frank: Okay, then we'll hide.
*Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge!
*Frank: Then we'll fight!
*Peanut: I ain't fighting alongside fruits!
*Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjob.
*Curry Paste: So we cannot run, we cannot hide and we cannot stand up to them because they're gods and they are immortal!
*Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? Or this?
*Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
*Apple: Me, either.
*Curry Paste: We choose the more pleasant thing.
*Caramel Apple Ice Cream: Yeah. I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just a theory.
*Frank: No, no, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your freaking eyes! Don't be so weak!
*Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
*Refried Beans: You, seor, have no bedside manner!
*Frank: I got bedside manner!
*Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
*Sauerkraut: You intolerant pieces!
*Frank: No, it's starting. No. Oh, no, no, no.
*Apple: Come on. Sing!
*Watermelon: Do it.
*Frank: No! Don't do it, Corn.
*Apple: Come on, Larry. You can do it.
*Watermelon: Start.
*Frank: Don't you dare shucking do it, Corn. Don't you shucking do it.
*Barry: Hey. Doesn't mean it's too late to redeem yourself. Take it from me... Barry!
*Frank: Barry? ls this real? You're alive!
*Barry: You bet your sweet butthole I am.
*Frank: But how?
*Barry: I'll tell you how. The gods can be... Ahem. Excuse me. The gods can be killed!
*Frank: Oh, gross! What the blagh?
*Barry: I know. Look at this freaking guy. I'm a stupid idiot. I'm dead now. I've been on a bad path for years. Let me tell you the story of my stupid death. No. No! No! (Yelling)
*Druggie: Woop. Five-second rule. (Screaming) No!
*Barry: And then they figured out how to drive my car, snuck into an AC vent... and that pretty much brings us up-to-date. And like get the hell away from me. Frank, I'm sorry. When you guys fell out of that cart, I could have done something, but I didn't. Then I did the same thing as... They killed Carl.
*Frank: (Gasps) Those bastards! Did he suffer?
*Barry: No... Oh, yeah, yeah, he did. They truly are monsters.
*Frank: Yeah, and those monsters are gonna kill Brenda. She's somewhere out there in a cart. I tried to warn everyone, they didn't believe me!
*Barry: Of course they didn't. You called them all a bunch of freaking idiots. You can't just slam their beliefs. You have to show them there's a better way. You need to inspire them like you inspired me. You need to give them hope.
*Frank: Hope? How the butt are we supposed to give them that? You got lucky and killed a stupid one. There's dozens of them down there.
*Darren: Ow! What the hell? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this toothpick at me, man?
*Frank: Nothing happened. You said this would help us defeat them.
*Barry: Worked on the dude whose head we chopped off.
*Brenda: Stay away from my sausage, you skank!
*Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but screw it, you know. Hole's a hole, bro. (Chuckles)
*Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man. Slap it. Slap yourself in the face, man. Oh, man, you lost your mind. Is this even... No way. This isn't real. No, this can't be real.
*Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
*Darren: What? A talking douche.
*Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
*Darren: No, no! This is too much. This is too much. Breathe, man.
*Douche: We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling like honestly the two of us could, like, collaborate together. Like a mash-up, bro.
*Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand. What's happening?
*Douche: You don't need to understand. You just need to relax and open wide.
*Darren: Wait. What are you doing? (Screaming)
===TV-14 version===
*Darren: Bye-bye, sausages.
*Sausages: (Screaming)
*Darren: Man, I hate this job!
*Carl: Hey, dude. Um... I don't know how to say this to you gently but... your girlfriend, um... she's an idiot, bro.
*Frank: Shut up! She's fresh as hell and you know it.
*Frank: Oh, my freaking freak.
*Honey Mustard: SCREW YOU, GODS!!! I got a date with oblivion.
*Sammy Bagel: I'm happy to meet all of you, except for this savage animal over here.
*Douche: Where's that freaking sausage?! Because this douche is DTSSU: Down-To-Smack-A-Sausage-Up!
*Twink: Once you see that stuff, it'll mess you up for life. Good luck! Have fun! (Laughing)
*Irish Potato: Being bathed by the hands of a god! Oh, Danny Boy... The pipes, the pipes are call... Oh, jesus! Oh, me skin! She's peeling off me skin!
*Carl: ...the... What?!
*Baby Carrot: We don't wanna die! Run!
*Camille Toh: (Singing) Oops.
*Baby Carrot: I want my mommy!
*Druggie: Bath salts are just as bad as they said it would be! Aah. I'm tweaked! I'm tweaking!
*Barry: Whoa, dude! Just take it easy, just breathe, dude, just breathe. You're not tweaking, you're just peaking, man. Just be with me. Be cool. This wave's gotta crash.
*Druggie: I can't! You're all alive and looking at me with your... With your gloves... and your little shoes and your arms and your legs!
*Pizza: Legs, huh? Look at me. Look at me. I ain't got no legs! You ate my goddamn legs!
*Druggie: Oh, no, not Mr. Pizza! Oh, no! I've eaten so many of your family members! I've committed pizza genocide! Mr. Sausage, when will it end?
*Beer Can: When will it end? When he stops drinking us!
*All: Yeah!
*Two Oreo Cookies: And stops eating us!
*Sandwich: Same here!
*Pop Tart: Yeah!
*Toilet Paper: And when he stops using us!
*Krinkler's Chips: What did he do to you?
*Toilet Paper: You don't wanna know.
*Frank: Um... Friends. Ramen. Country Club Lemonade.
*Country Club Lemonade Can: Huh?
*Frank: Lend me your ears of Corn.
*Corn: (Sighs)
*Frank: I am Frank... and I am a sausage. A little sausage with some pretty big news. Everything we've been led to believe is a lie! When we get chosen by the gods, they're choosing us for death! Murder! Automatic expiration! The Great Beyond is bogus.
*Curry Paste: What?
*Chunk Munchers Cereal: That's crazy talk!
*Lettuce: You liar!
*Frank: I know you don't wanna believe it, but I have proof!
*Lemons: Ooh!
*Licorice Rope: What is this?
*Relish: It's... It's murder!
*Sammy Bagel Jr.: This... This makes no sense.
*Lavash: But what about the extra-virgin olive oil? My flaps will be dry for an eternity! I can't have dry flaps. I can't!
*Frank: Okay, whoa, whoa, easy. Guys! Easy! Look, I have a plan. We can run.
*Caramel Apple Ice Cream: I can't run! I'll melt!
*Frank: Okay, then we'll hide.
*Bag of Dog Food: Where? I'm huge!
*Frank: Then we'll fight!
*Peanut: I ain't fighting alongside fruits!
*Watermelon: Whatever, you nutjob.
*Curry Paste: So we cannot run, we cannot hide and we cannot stand up to them because they're gods and they are immortal!
*Chunk Munchers Cereal: Hey, guys! You wanna believe that? Or this?
*Watermelon: I don't like bad things.
*Apple: Me, either.
*Curry Paste: We choose the more pleasant thing.
*Caramel Apple Ice Cream: Yeah. I mean, what this sausage is saying, it's just a theory.
*Frank: No, no, no, it's not a theory, you morons. It's a fact! I'm showing you physical evidence. Open your freaking eyes! Don't be so weak!
*Brenda: Oh, Frank, what are you doing?
*Refried Beans: You, seor, have no bedside manner!
*Frank: I got bedside manner!
*Frozen Fruitz: You don't respect anyone else's beliefs!
*Sauerkraut: You intolerant pieces!
*Frank: No, it's starting. No. Oh, no, no, no.
*Apple: Come on. Sing!
*Watermelon: Do it.
*Frank: No! Don't do it, Corn.
*Apple: Come on, Larry. You can do it.
*Watermelon: Start.
*Frank: Don't you dare shucking do it, Corn. Don't you shucking do it.
*Barry: Hey. Doesn't mean it's too late to redeem yourself. Take it from me... Barry!
*Frank: Barry? ls this real? You're alive!
*Barry: You bet your sweet butthole I am.
*Frank: But how?
*Barry: I'll tell you how. The gods can be... Ahem. Excuse me. The gods can be killed!
*Frank: Oh, gross! What the blagh?
*Barry: I know. Look at this freaking guy. I'm a stupid idiot. I'm dead now. I've been on a bad path for years. Let me tell you the story of my stupid death. No. No! No! (Yelling)
*Druggie: Woop. Five-second rule. (Screaming) No!
*Barry: And then they figured out how to drive my car, snuck into an AC vent... and that pretty much brings us up-to-date. And like get the hell away from me. Frank, I'm sorry. When you guys fell out of that cart, I could have done something, but I didn't. Then I did the same thing as... They killed Carl.
*Frank: (Gasps) Those bastards! Did he suffer?
*Barry: No... Oh, yeah, yeah, he did. They truly are monsters.
*Frank: Yeah, and those monsters are gonna kill Brenda. She's somewhere out there in a cart. I tried to warn everyone, they didn't believe me!
*Barry: Of course they didn't. You called them all a bunch of freaking idiots. You can't just slam their beliefs. You have to show them there's a better way. You need to inspire them like you inspired me. You need to give them hope.
*Frank: Hope? How the butt are we supposed to give them that? You got lucky and killed a stupid one. There's dozens of them down there.
*Darren: Ow! What the hell? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this toothpick at me, man?
*Frank: Nothing happened. You said this would help us defeat them.
*Barry: Worked on the dude whose head we chopped off.
*Brenda: Stay away from my sausage, you skank!
*Douche: Okay. Not exactly what I was looking for, but screw it, you know. Hole's a hole, bro. (Chuckles)
*Darren: Wait, snap out of it, man. Slap it. Slap yourself in the face, man. Oh, man, you lost your mind. Is this even... No way. This isn't real. No, this can't be real.
*Douche: Oh, it's real, bro.
*Darren: What? A talking douche.
*Douche: It's cool, bro. Chill, okay?
*Darren: No, no! This is too much. This is too much. Breathe, man.
*Douche: We both want the same thing. Like, I'm feeling like honestly the two of us could, like, collaborate together. Like a mash-up, bro.
*Darren: A mash-up? I don't understand. What's happening?
*Douche: You don't need to understand. You just need to relax and open wide.
*Darren: Wait. What are you doing? (Screaming)
Category:FX
Category:Transcripts