Monty Python and the Holy Grail/Trailer transcripts

We fade in on a majestic mountain view. A triumphant fanfare begins, then we start to pan across the view.
:Announcer A: Once in a lifetime, there comes a motion picture which changes the whole history of motion pictures! A picture so brilliant in its effect, so vast in its impact, that it profoundly affects the lives of all who see it! (Fade to a peasant about to be knighted outside a castle.) One such film-- (The music stops, and the picture freezes.)
:Director: Hey, uh, thank you. Yes, thank you. Next please.
We rewind back to the start. Take two, except the new announcer reads it at a slower pace.
:Announcer B: Once, in a life-time, there comes a mo...tion picture, which changes the whole his-tory of mo...tion pictures. A-- (Freeze again)
:Director: Yes, thank you. Next!
Rewind again. Take three, with a louder announcer.
:Announcer C: ONCE IN A LIFETIME-- (Freeze-frame once again)
:Director: Go away!
:Announcer C: But--
:Director: Next!
(Announcer C mumbles something and walks away, while it rewinds back to the start. Finally, a fourth announcer comes in, who reads all his lines in Japanese.)
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: Once in a lifetime there comes a motion picture which changes the whole history of motion pictures. . .)
:Director: That's more like it!
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: One such film is Kurosawa's-"The Seven Samurai. . ." Another was "Ivan The Terrible. . ." Then there are the more run-of-the-mill films like. . . "Herbie Rides Again. . ." "La Notte. . ." and "Monty Python And The Holy Grail".)
The castle - or rather, a cardboard cutout - falls down, and King Arthur (Graham Chapman) stops to look. He stabs the peasant dead, then we cut to King Arthur and Sir Bedevere (Terry Jones) outside the castle where the Holy Grail is kept
:Announcer D: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Subtitles: It has some quite funny moments. . .)
:King Arthur: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by for--
The Frenchman (John Cleese) pours mud onto King Arthur, then we cut to the fight with the Black Knight, the sorcerer's first appearance, and the start of the "Knights of the Round Table" song.
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: a fairly exciting story. . .)
A castle guard (Tom Raeburn) spits out an apple, then one of the Knights Who Say Ni stabs him on his way to raid the castle village. Cut to another one of the stories.
:Father: One day, lad, all this will be yours! But the curtains... (Cut to the cave scene)
:Knight: RUN AWAY!
The gang runs from the many-eyed monster.
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: and some low-budget adventure. . .)
Cut to the final storm of the castle, then to some fleeing villagers
:Villager A: WE'VE GOT A WITCH!
:Villager B: WE'VE GOT A WITCH!
:Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
:Villager C: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Animated fireworks fly across the screen.
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: But compared to something like Ingmar Bergman's-"The Seventh Seal". . .)
We cut to the knight of The Seventh Seal (Max Von Sydow) in the fateful chess match against Death, where the subtitles randomly shift down. And then he and Death just stare each other in the face.
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: It's all rather silly. . .)
One of the knights is launched into the air, a wooden horse falls on some people, and Death pies the knight in the face.
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: So if you're an intellectual midget,)
The Frenchman blows a raspberry at the knights, then we cut to another animated sequence, this time of people playing trumpets through their anuses and two angels flying up.
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: and you like giggling. . .)
Cut to King Arthur and Sir Bedevere arriving at the castle by boat.
:Announcer D: (Subtitles: You could do worse than see. . .)
Cut to a red background, with two Japanese characters zooming out and settling.
:Announcer D: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (We then cut to a couple arriving at a Japanese restaurant.) (Subtitles: And come and have a meal here afterwards.)
Several shots from inside the restaurant. On the last one, "MONTY PYTHON and the HOLY GRAIL" appears in the upper-left corner. A while later, "Only 4 minutes from this Restaurant" appears underneath.
===2001 US Reissue Addition===
Back to the final scene.
:King Arthur: CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!
And so does the army charge.
:Announcer E: Now, for the first time on the wide screen. Digitally remixed with a new, full weaponized stereophonic soundtrack.
:Voice: I liked it the way it was.
:Parrot: Oh! Professor knows him! Run!
:Announcer E: Shut up.
Category:Trailer transcripts