(S1) Chapter 4: River’s a Speedrunner?!?!

River zoomed through space in the Dababy car.
”FUCK FUCK FUCK!! My sons are being held hostage by an overpowered crac head! I gotta find Harrus……the writer told me he was locked away in a book called ‘Harry Potter,’ in the multiversal library!” That I did, you’re welcome. River began zooming his way over to the multiversal library. He got out of the Dababy car and ran in. He went to the librarian and asked her if she had a book series called Harry Potter.
”I only have one book. The others were scattered across the multiverse long ago. Legend has it that if they’re all reunited then the legendary Harrus-“
River didn’t give a shit. “Yeah yeah where are they?”
”They’re in random ass AUs. I think one’s in dreamtale. Another in glitchtale. Idk look around n’ s-“
River ran off and yelled “COOL, THANKS.” Suddenly a speedrun clock activated. “Dababy car…speedrun mode.” Then River slipped on a dream mask and he speed ran across the multiverse. He zoomed his way into Dreamtale and crashed into Nightmare’s castle. Nightmare jolted awake in his throne. “Huh? What the fuc-“ River slapped him speedrunner mario style and stole the book from him. The book had a clue saying “It’s Glitchtale….ew.”
River wave-dashed his way over to Glitchtale in dababy car. At that moment, Glitchtale Frisk and betty were staring each other down. Glitchtale Frisk was about to go all edgy when suddenly….BAM, Dababy car rammed into him, completely obliterating him. Betty had no time to be confused as River speedran his way over to Betty, tore her cranium off, and took the 3rd Harry Potter book from her head. The book said “Oh no….it’s Fatal Error.”
River Ender-pearled over to the antivoid and ran over Fatal!Error. He found the 4th book on a shelf and took it, no carnage needed. I wonder if this hints towards anything later in the plot…hmmmmmmm…..
The book said “Idk, check with X!Gaster.”
A minute has passed.
River wall-glitched his way over X!Gaster who was menacingly watching over Undertale. River slapped X!Gaster’s cut g, sending him out of orbit. He got the fifth book and it said “Oh this one’s with some failed abortion in this wacky placed outer void filled with random shit.”
River made himself a nether portal and entered the outer void. Some pile of goop just said there all alone. River kicked it and it became an ANGAERY SKELERBOYN aka 💯. It yelled angrily at River who hit him with a home run bat from smash bros. Some off screen narrator yelled “VICTORY,” and River got the sixth book off screen (definitely didn’t cheat), and it said “That crackhead has it.”
Meanwhile……HAM was rummaging through his closet when he found some book from a series he never heard of before. “Oí, wut da fockz a harrey potah?” Suddenly, he got rammed into by Dababy car and River took the last book. He took off the dream mask and muttered “DAMMIT, took me three minutes. The record’s 2 minutes.” HAM got up and rubbed his head.
”Ah fock mayt! Oi thawt ah could’it feel pain! Wha da fock iz all dis bout?” River glared at HAM. “NOBODY fucks with my kids you crackhead emo boy!“ River fused the books together and suddenly….SHAZAM! A sans with a red cape and third eye appeared. Despite his epic and grand entrance, he looked confused yet lax.
”Oh, I’m free. Uh…what’s going on?” River just blinked with confusion then pointed to Ham.
”Uhhhh….kick that crack head’s ass.” OP!Sans looked at HAM and cracked his knuckles, forgetting that that was essentially his brother. Tbf though, HAM seems to have forgotten as well.
”Alright I guess, seems fair considering you freed me.” He fired off a kame hame ha from his third eye, sending HAM through a wall. HAM got up and yelled angrily. “OI, FAHNCY ARSE!” he threw his axe on a chain at OP!Sans. OP!Sans grabbed the blade and yanked it, bringing HAM right towards him. Harrus slammed his leg down on HAM sans, which did so much damage it made HAM and Harrus no-clip through the ground. Then HAM summoned a barrage of blasters to blast OP!Sans. Harrus made a magical shield to hold off the blasts. After the blasts were done, OP!Sans fired off a stupidly big blaster at Ham. HAM yelled with anger as the blaster tanked his HP.
”Are you done yet?” Ham squinted his eyes and yelled “NO!” He sent puffs at OP!Sans. The puffs damaged OP sans a little bit but he just stood there unloaded and brushed it off.
“Whatever you say I guess, get smite dumbass.” HAM looked up and saw the sky turn yellow. HAM made a bone shield to try and block the oncoming strike. The shield didn’t do much though as the thunder bolt when straight through it and struck HAM, who was left severely damaged and stunned for a moment. Harrus took this moment to pick up HAM and toss him far far away team rocket style.
River was surprised as fuck. Then he snapped back to reality and asked OP!Sans a question. “Hey uh, can you maybe bring back my two sons and Papaya?” OP!Sans nodded. “I don’t see why not,” he snapped, bringing them over to him. Papaya182 looked around in confusion
”That bastard…he…he…oh wait who’s this?” Errrrr404 didn’t recognize Harrus.
Adam Sandler’s eyes widened “Harrus? Holy shit man! You look badass!” Adam and Harrus did their signature hand shake and laughed. The gang was all back together and ready to kick HAM’s ass.
||| COOL SCENE TRANSITION |||
MEEEEANWHILE, HAM woke up and gazed upon a creature so eldritch he thought he was going mad. Oh shit, it was azathaoth! Azathoath gazed at HAM with disappointment.
“So, you’re the crack head who inherited Cthulhu’s power, eh? Well, you fucked up REAL bad. You didn’t even stand a CHANCE!” HAM was too scatter-brained by azathoath’s sheer aura to even think.
“Ah fuck, you can’t even THINK in my almighty prescence. Alright….it’s clear you need a buff. Here, take this.” Azathoath formulated a syringe in HAM’s hand.
”D-da fock iz dis m-mate.” Azathoath just grinned. “It’s liquid marijuana ‘mate.’ Go on, inject it into yourself.”
HAM stuck the syringe into himself and became EVEN STRONGER OH NOES!!1 He cackled as he could finally think in the presence of this god.
”Oi thankz mate! Ah feel mor’ powaful now! ‘ppreciate it. Well, I’m goin smoke some pot.”
”What- ok, whatever, this chapter’s coming to an end anyways. I don’t have time to object like I’d want to. I think we should finish this chapter off with a villainous laugh, let’s hope it doesn’t become a trend though.”
It does become a trend. Way to go AZATHOTH.
”Oh shut the fuck up ClicheCritic. Let me have some fun.” Fine. Whatever.
And so they laughed until the chapter ended. What detrimental effects could this have on the crew’s next encounter with HAM? What does Azathoth want with HAM of all people? Find out in the next chapter of Betatale.
Category:Episodes
Category:Written by Cliche
Category:Canon
Category:Story
Category:Season 1