Free Birds/Transcript

MALE NARRATOR:
MALE VOICE: Holidays, the whole world loves them. (CHUCKLES) That's why there are so many. Christmas. Easter. Hanukkah. The one thing they all have in common... ...food, like Thanksgiving. That's what it's all about. A time to sit down over the holiday meal. It's everyone's favorite part. Unless of course, you are the meal.
My name is Reggie, by the way.
I'm the turkey screaming for his life.
Ah! Ah!
REGGIE: Thanksgiving is a turkey's worst nightmare.
And trust me, I've tried to warn them.
(GRUNTS) You don't get it!
They're fattening us up so they can eat us!
It's such a beautiful day. This is the best day ever!
Probably the best day of my life.
Hey, corn! ALL: - Corn!
REGGIE: And every year, they don't listen.
I'm not gonna dress it up. Turkeys are dumb.
Corn. Corn.
Really dumb. (CHUCKLES)
MALE VOICE: Hey, guys, check it out.
(GASP) (ALL GASPING)
REGGIE: Turkeys are so dumb, they think the farmer's their friend.
He's so cool! He's the best.
He's so nice. I love the farmer!
(GULPS) Hey!
(CHUCKLES) Percy's going to turkey paradise!
(LAUGHS)
BOTH: Turkey paradise...
Go, Percy, you lucky son of a g*n!
REGGIE: See what I mean?
But the truth is, I've always been a little bit different.
From the very beginning, I never felt like I fit in.
(CHIRPING) Our world is made of corn.
(ALL GASPING) Leafy corn.
ALL: - Oh! Corn-corn!
(ALL GASP) Fire corn!
That's an awesome theory, but I think they actually call that the sun.
Out! Out!
REGGIE: But I kept trying...
FEMALE VOICE: - Yeah... no. Hey, Aspen.
Your wings must be tired because it looks like you flew straight out of heaven.
Seriously? (LAUGHTER)
You wanna fly, Bobby?
I guess it's just you and me. b*at it, weirdo!
Yeah, that's what I thought!
REGGIE: ...and trying. (ALL SNORING)
When you're in a flock, you know you belong...
...to something bigger, that you're not alone.
(ALL GROANING) Reggie, it's chilly!
Reggie, you're cold!
Get out of here, Reggie!
At least that's what I hear.
(HELICOPTER BLADES THUMPING) (ALL SHOUTING)
(HELICOPTER BLADES THUMPING) (ALL SHOUTING)
Listen up! Reggie's been right all along.
They are fattening us up so they can eat us.
They're right outside!
Finally, after all these years! That's what I've been waiting to hear.
"Reggie was right."
Now I don't want to go toot my own horn, but toot-toot!
Okay, now, here's the plan. When they open the doors, we run for the hills.
Go, team!
Give them Reggie!
What? Yeah! Give them Reggie!
He's the Anticorn!
Whoa, whoa! You got it all wrong!
MALE VOICE: Let's give them Reggie. Sacrifice him.
We gotta stick together on this!
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS) See you later, Reggie!
REGGIE: So after all that, I was about to become Thanksgiving dinner.
No, no! Please! I beg you! We are all clear.
No! Ah! MAN: - Ladies and Gentlemen...
...the President of the United States.
Thank you all for being here today.
REGGIE: - Or was I? ...and to this humble family farm for one of my favorite presidential traditions.
The pardoning of the Thanksgiving Turkey.
Only one special bird will be spared from this terrible, yet delicious fate.
Daddy! Daddy, it's this one. This is the one I want right here.
Sweetheart, I think we're gonna go with a bigger turkey, okay?
Please? Please, please, please, please!
Sweetheart, I love you. Please! Please!
That turkey's not big enough.
Now, now don't do that.
No, no, no.
(SOBBING) (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
This is your pardoned turkey. Happy Thanksgiving, little fella.
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
Come on, birdie, let's go. We're going to the helicopter.
And right over there is a fence. And that's a seagull.
And there's a cow and a chicken.
And that's Paul. He's getting a divorce.
Yay!
That's a bald guy and that's the girl who likes my daddy.
But don't tell anyone.
(HELICOPTER ENGINE STARTS)
(GASPS)
GIRL: Birdie...
...don't worry, you're safe.
You're the pardoned turkey.
(GIGGLES) I'm tired now.
I'm the pardoned turkey.
I'm the pardoned turkey! I'm gonna live!
I'm gonna live, I'm the pardoned turkey!
This is blowing my mind!
REGGIE: Turns out my life wasn't over and a whole new life was just beginning.
Turkey, turkey, turkey.
This is your new home, turkey.
Mr. President, you have returned to Camp David.
That's General Sagan. He's got issues.
(GIGGLES)
That's Marcia. She eats her feelings.
We're gonna have so much fun.
I promise, I will never, ever leave you.
Oh, wait, TV!
(MUSIC PLAYS ON TV)
I'm tired now.
(expl*si*n ON TV) Ah! Oh! (GASPS) Ah!
(YELLING, WHOOPING ON TV)
NARRATOR: Previously on Mundo del Amor...
What is this?
NARRATOR: One-eyed orphan, Alejandro, is thrown out of the orphanage for being different.
They threw him out, too.
I know exactly how that feels.
NARRATOR: Rejected by all, Alejandro lives alone in the streets of Tijuana.
Until one day, he becomes a man.
Oh, man! Whoa!
NARRATOR: Are you having a hunger emergency?
I am!
- Do you need to eat right now? I do!
- Well, we can save the day with pizza! Yes!
That looks way better than corn.
Call 1-800-PIZZA. Get pizza delivered right now.
(GOBBLING) What?
Whoa.
NARRATOR: Alejandro starts his new company...
El Solo Lobo and makes a million pesos.
He buys a jet, he buys a tiger, and becomes Tijuana's greatest lover.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(WOLF HOWLS) El Solo Lobo.
REGGIE: I always thought being part of a flock was what I wanted.
But maybe I was wrong.
Yeah! (HOWLS)
(CHATTERING FROM TV)
Whoa! Oh, hey, dude.
REGGIE: A warm bed...
(YELLS)
...TV, and all the pizza I could eat.
I finally had it all. Everything was perfect.
(PANTING)
NARRATOR: Will Alejandro ever find true love or is he destined to be alone forever?
(YAWNS) Sounds like a pretty good destiny to me, Alejandro.
Find out on the next Mundo del Amor.
This is your destiny. REGGIE: (MUFFLED SHOUT)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING CONTINUES)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING) Oh...
Whatever you do, do not make a sound.
(SCREAMS) Sh...
I'm Jake from the TFF. That's Turkey Freedom Front.
You've just been recruited for a top secret mission.
Ah! Help! I'm being kidnapped by a wild turkey!
Security! Set Tasers to k*ll!
Ah!
(GRUNTS) MAN: What was that?
Oh! Love your enthusiasm, comrade.
Dah!
But you're running in the wrong direction.
Besides, we're already behind schedule.
We're behind schedule? We are?
Why didn't you say so? Let's move!
REGGIE: Look, I think you have me confused with somebody else.
I'm not part of any mission.
Horizon seems clear.
Hold on. Hey, wait!
It's me, the pardoned turkey. Help me!
A strange rogue turkey. Stay back. I'll take him out.
Ah!
Please don't hurt me. I don't know who you are but you're seriously jeopardizing this operation.
Are you insane? It's me.
Is it? Is it really?
Would you get off me?!
(GRUNTING)
You know what? I'm sick of you throwing me around.
You see this line?
Do not come into my personal...
Did you not see the line?
'Cause I was pretty clear that it's right...
Snap out of it, Reggie.
Wait, how do you know my name?
Because he told me everything about you.
He? Who is he?
The Great Turkey. He appeared in the sky on a bright ball of light with a voice that came from everywhere.
He gave me my mission, told me I needed to find you.
And then, he gave me this.
A door knob?
The sacred time knob.
This guy is a lunatic. Oh!
That secret military base should be right up ahead.
(GRUNTING)
The facility should be in here.
Just need to figure out how to get past this impenetrable gate.
So, this is what it looks like on the inside.
Okay, what's inside this secret base, anyway?
A time machine. (THUNDER CRASHES)
A time machine?
A time machine. (THUNDER CRASHES)
A time machine. A time...
(THUNDER CRASHES, STOPS) What?! Who told you that?
You did, just now.
Of course I did. I was testing you.
Uh... That's our mission.
Not to save ten turkeys or even a hundred, but all of them.
We're going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu.
That's right, we're going back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu.
Who are you talking to? This guy right here.
He totally gets it. Look, look, see how he's nodding?
Hello, soldier, welcome to the Turkey Freedom Front.
I'm just gonna let you two get acquainted. Oh!
Scanning area. (STRAINED) What are you doing?
Not binoculars. Wait!
There's our target. Let's go! Ah!
JAKE: Entering time module.
Stand back. Initiating launch sequence.
Tingling sensation in lower body.
Blood pressure rising, rapidly...
...penetrating space-time continuum.
I can feel time warping!
Ooh! We can warp to another time and maintain their lawns.
This doesn't make sense.
Oh, oh, look.
Potting soil from the year 3000.
Ooh.
Oh, Jake, look! What? What is it?
Future paint. Secret basecoat.
But, he said it would be here.
What the heck are you talking about?
I don't know who your friend is but you guys should start the Idiot Freedom Front and free yourselves from stupidity.
There's no secret base and there's definitely no time...
(METALLIC CLANK) ...machine?
(BEEPING)
Ah!
(YELLING)
(GASPS) Ha!
Ah! Yeah! (PANTING)
Ah!
(JAKES CLEARS THROAT)
A-ha!
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Let's go.
Hey, just because I'm following you does not mean I am following you.
(GASPS)
Follow me.
Did you not hear what I said?
I'm not following you!
There's just no other way...
Ah! No! Ah!
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Decontamination complete.
What is that? Ow! It's a map, you idiot.
A map! Will it lead us to the time machine?
They aren't just gonna write time machine on the...
(SIGHS) Oh, man. Where is it?
It's, uh...
Oh, we follow the blue line.
The blue line, of course!
Of course. We'll both follow the blue line and get to the time machine and stop Thanksgiving.
Welcome to the team.
Like two pieces of twine woven together, we are a strong and beautiful braid.
(CAWING)
Yeah, if we're gonna do this, you're gonna have to stop being weird.
Ten-hut!
You don't have to touch me when you talk to me.
Okay, don't touch me, in fact.
(WHIRRING)
Whoa! (STOMPING FOOTSTEPS)
JAKE: Enemy approaching!
What are you doing?
They almost got us.
Us? They almost got you!
We are not an "us". I'm a flock of one.
I'm a lone wolf, ese. El Solo Lobo.
(HOWLS)
Witness the awesome power of the pardoned turkey.
Get back!
Hey, guys, Reggie here.
I don't even recognize you. You guys must be new.
You guys are never gonna believe what I've been through.
(GOBBLING)
MAN 1: - Should we report this? MAN 2: - Too much paperwork.
Let's roast him. Copy that.
(GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
Chrononaut One, are you ready to be the first human being to travel through time?
Yes, sir!
He'd better be. The chances of survival are almost zero.
Wait, you never said anything...
(AUDIO MUTES) (BEEPS)
That's on a need to know basis, sir.
Why are they trying to k*ll me?
Huh, I just want to go back to being a pardoned turkey.
I had slippers. Slippers. What are you doing?
I've got this completely under control.
Are you crazy? You've had nothing under...
(SHUSHING)
It's an old TFF trick.
It's called sound diversion.
(SCREAMS, GOBBLES)
Are you kidding me?
(GOBBLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GOBBLING)
Control, we have a contaminant in Chamber 47.
Copy that. What type, Agent?
Uh, a turkey, sir.
That is very weird, Agent.
Copy that. How do we address it, sir?
Uh, with cranberry sauce. (LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Funny, right? (BOTH LAUGH)
But seriously, we should deal with the contaminant.
Copy that. All units report to Level H.
MAN OVER RADIO: Exterminate with extreme prejudice.
Go, go, go! (PANTING)
Mr. President, once the countdown starts, we will not be able to stop it.
Understood, General.
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: T-minus three minutes and counting.
(GRUNTING, PANTING)
MAN: - There they are. Ah!
(WHIRRING)
Ah!
(PANTING)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
There's no way I'm going near that thing.
Reggie, this is our destiny!
My destiny has pizza and TV On Demand!
Ah! (GASPS)
(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING)
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Contamination detected.
Freeze that image, soldier!
What's the problem? Turkeys, sir.
Chrononaut One, get out of there now!
(SOBBING) Oh, thank you, thank you.
(GRUNTING)
Help me, help me, please help me!
(GOBBLING)
(GRUNTING)
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Ah!
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: New chrononaut detected.
Engaging posterior restraint system.
Setting, supple.
No, no, no, no!
Help me!
I am not going out there. I'm not going out there.
I'm definitely... Sorry, bro.
Two weeks from retirement. Good luck! (LAUGHS)
Ow! My foot!
(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING) Oh...
Ah!
(ELECTRICAL ZAPPING) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(SCREAMS)
(BEEPING)
Huh? What's going on? Help! Ah!
(SHOUTS)
(GRUNTING)
(WHIMPERS)
Help me! Please take my hand! Calm down.
Get me out! (SHOUTS)
Ah!
(SCREAMING)
(INTERMITTENT SCREAM)
(SCREAMING)
(ALL SHOUTING, MURMURING)
What have we... done?
(WINDOW SQUEAKING)
MAN: Please help me.
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Greetings, I am S-T-E-V-E.
S.T.E.V.E. Your Space Time Exploration Vehicle Envoy.
Hello, S.T.E.V.E., I am J-A-K, Jake.
And this is R-E-G, Reggie. Where are we?
Nowhere and everywhere.
The space between time where the past, present and future intersect.
Obviously. Now, take us to the first Thanksgiving.
- Destination, set. No, no, no!
Activating Chrononaut safety bubble to shield from possible side effects.
Side effects? What side effects?
(SCREAMING)
S.T.E.V.E.: Side-effects may include accelerated aging...
I'm cold.
Rapid evolutionary regressions.
Erratic physical mutation into an adorable baby dragon.
Or an octopus, a king crab, a pony, the sasquatch.
Ah!
I hope you've enjoyed your time travel experience.
Ow... - Please hold on for re-entry.
Oh-ah-ah! Whoo-hoo!
REGGIE: Oh... Oh, boy.
Welcome to Plymouth Colony, 1621.
Three days before the first Thanksgiving.
(SIGHS) (THUDDING)
We did it! We went back in time.
Reggie, come out here. You're gonna love this!
Sure, why not.
(GRUNTS) Ow!
Ah! It even smells old.
S.T.E.V.E.: May I recommend some light stretching.
Great idea, S.T.E.V.E..
Pecs, glutes, pecs, glutes, pecs, glutes, pecs, glutes, pecs, glutes.
Ew! Pec, pec, glute, glute.
Whoo! Ah! Let's go, Reggie.
S.T.E.V.E.: Activating security cloaking mechanism during solar recharge.
Wait, no, S.T.E.V.E.!
S.T.E.V.E.! S.T.E.V.E.!
S.T.E.V.E.? S.T.E.V.E.'s not here, man.
(LAUGHS) I'm laughing, but that's not funny, S.T.E.V.E..
This conversation is taxing my power reserves.
Shutting down. What? No! No, no, no, no!
Reggie, south is this way. Sun rises in the north.
Wait, I can't stay out here back in the food chain.
S.T.E.V.E.: Finally, some me time.
I've reconned the area. We are all alone.
This is a bad idea. This is a real wild forest.
It's probably full of crazy, bloodthirsty monsters.
If anything happens to me, it's on your head.
Trust me, we're perfectly safe. (g*n)
(DOGS BARKING)
(SNARLING, BARKING) (SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
(WHINNIES)
Ah!
Jake, Jake! Oh, no, no!
(SNARLING) Ah!
No, just... Another one! Please, please I beg you.
Please don't eat me.
End of the line for you. I'm dead, I'm dead!
Ohhh!
(SNARLING, BARKING)
(SIGHS)
Hi. Hello.
Is this Turkey Paradise? Sh!
MAN 1: - See anything? MAN 2: - Nothing here!
Oh, we lost them again, Captain Standish.
I can see that. Now keep looking!
MAN: Yes, sir!
They're here. Oh, I can feel it.
JAKE: Hello, Turkeys of ye olde time.
We've come from the future in a time machine named S.T.E.V.E. to save you...
Quiet! We were leading the hunters away from our nest till you came along shrieking like terrified hens. Who are you?
Yeah, you tell them, Ranger. Right, Furley? (LAUGHS) Whoo!
Don't leave me hanging, Ranger. Furley's right there. He looks up to me.
(WHISTLES)
The hunters are returning. We need to move.
I have the lead. Everyone follow me.
Hm! He has the lead?
(GRUNTING)
Stay in formation. In formation, stay!
This is really dangerous!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Hold on. Oh, boy.
This is a fast paced day. I love it though.
We should catch up with the others.
Wait! (GRUNTING)
Just ate, that's the only thing holding me back. How you doing?
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
(g*n) Ow!
Come on! Ah!
(GRUNTING) Whoa!
My name's Reggie, by the way. I'm a Pisces.
I'm Jenny. I'm running for my life.
(CHUCKLING) (EXPLOSIONS)
Round them up, boys!
Everyone, this way.
This way, everyone.
MAN: There they are!
Quick!
(WHIMPERING)
Oof! Furley!
(LAUGHS) Gotcha.
(CHUCKLING)
(GROWLING) Yah! Out of the way!
Come on, come on, come on! Gah-yah!
Come here, you!
Whoa! Sh!
Whoa. Come on.
Okay, he's leaving. Great.
So, what's a Pisces?
Oh, wow.
Is everything okay?
I don't know. Is it?
Oh, I fell out of the nest when I was a baby.
Oh! So, that's why your eye is... What's wrong with my eye?
(STAMMERING)
I'm just kidding. Whenever I get nervous, it goes...
(MOANING) (CHUCKLES)
(BLOWING NOSE)
There! Now there's just one of you.
Ranger, what should we do now?
We should return home and report what happened.
No. We should attack the fort and free your captured comrades.
Furley and Amos are my friends, but we cannot risk the safety of the flock.
Then I'll go myself if you lack the courage.
ALL: - Oh! Courage?
(GASPING) Oh...
I'll show you courage!
(GROANING)
(GROANING) Yeah!
(BOTH GROANING)
(GOBBLING, GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(SLOW-MOTION GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
Harsh.
Enough with your impressive and very gross display.
Let's just get back home.
Oh! (GRUNTS)
Wow. It's all about confidence.
Ow!
WOMAN: Bradford! Come out here!
(CROWD SHOUTING) MAN: Get out here! Governor Bradford!
Please, gentlemen, please. Settle down, all right?
You guys act like you're starving. ALL: - We are starving!
We want the food in storage!
(CLEARS THROAT)
We have talked about this. That food is for the coming feast with the Wampanoag Indians. But we're hungry now!
We're all hungry. You don't look hungry!
I've got a hypothyroid issue.
Now as you know, we have not stored enough food to see us through the winter.
See that hill? That's last winter.
That will be all of us, if we do not become friends with the Indians.
We need their help. Without it, we will not survive, all right?
(STABS FOOT) Oh! Ha...
(GRUNTS) Oh! (CAT MEOWS)
Three days, that's it. I promise.
You can all hold out. Yes!
Governor Bradford is right. We can all hold out...
(PEOPLE MOANING) Except for Clancy.
But he was sick on the boat, so that's not on me.
We want that food in storage. Give us them keys!
Mummy!
Standish has returned!
Standish! (LAUGHS)
Myles, you've returned!
Hi!
Ha-ha!
Did I tell you I was gonna provide food for ye, yes I did, didn't I?
Ha! You call that a bounty?
(SCREAMS)
Standish, the people want my head.
And if we do not have the feast, I'm afraid they will take it.
We need food. Anything at this point.
I said I would get you turkeys...
Oh!
...and that's what you are going to get.
Even more than you can eat.
Right, well, good chat. Talk tomorrow.
What a personality.
So, Alpha Turkey up there...
...what's the story? You two, um, rubbing wattles or...
Ew! No, Ranger is my brother.
Get inside!
Inside, get!
And you know, even if he wasn't...
I'm looking for more mind and less muscle.
Really? Are you serious? 'Cause I have like almost no muscle.
Literally, I'm like nothing.
Maybe you should get that looked at.
(CHUCKLES)
(GRUNTING)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
After you. JAKE AND RANGER: - Whoa!
It's a tiny drop, I promise.
Whoa!
Oh...
Glutes.
So this is... everyone.
An army in need of a commander.
Wow, I've never seen so many turkeys in one place actually doing things.
I'm just shocked.
So, in the future, turkeys just sit around all day eating and staring at the wall?
Yes. I mean, no! (CHUCKLES) No, that would be...
I mean, some do. No one I know.
If we weren't doing things, we'd become dumb.
Don't you think? Hm...
JAKE: - Hello, wild undomesticated Oh no.
Simple turkeys from the distant past.
I have brought you a gift, and the gift is me. I am Jake.
I have traveled in a time machine named S.T.E.V.E. in order to stop Thanksgiving and get turkeys off the menu!
What's Thanksgiving?
Yeah, that's right. It hasn't happened. It's a feast of sorts.
What's a menu?
A menu, it's like a list of food items in a restaurant.
What's a restaurant? That's not important.
What's important is that you stop asking me questions and agree to follow me blindly!
(FAINT COUGHING) MALE VOICE: No!
(ALL MURMURING)
We will not fight.
I am Broadbeak, leader of the flock.
And this is Leatherbeak, high elder and my most trusted advisor.
(LOUD BANG)
(GRUNTS)
(GROWLING)
(ALL GASP) Huh! You...
...have traveled a great distance.
(ALL GASPING) You...
Hm...
...and your lovely wife.
She's beautiful, so soft and feminine.
(KISSING, LAUGHS)
Father, this is Jake and Reggie. They're from the future, apparently.
(SOFT GRUNT) Father?
Please, walk with me.
Jake, you speak with deep conviction.
Well, I can speak even... (LOWER VOICE) deeper if you like.
We did not always live underground.
We lived above in the trees, but then the settlers came...
...and we were forced into hiding.
But we were safe and over time, we turned what we thought our prison, into our home.
I understand, sir, but...
The Great Turkey told me what I must do.
I know, "The Great Turkey," terrible name for an imaginary friend, right?
It is my destiny.
Well, Jake, let me show you our destiny.
Careful.
This is our future.
(SNEEZES, COOS)
Our destiny lies with them.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
BROADBEAK: You are welcome to stay as long as you like but as long as you are here, you will respect our ways.
We do not fight. We defend.
We protect and we survive.
Yes, sir.
(GRUNTS, CHIRPS)
Oh, Reggie, look. Here.
Just hold it like this. Whoa, whoa! (LAUGHS)
I'm not really the baby holding type.
It's easy. Even a super advanced future turkey can do it.
(SQUEAKING)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, she wants you to throw up some worms into her mouth.
What girl wouldn't?
Oh, that's sweet and disgusting.
I think she likes me.
Yeah, maybe she does.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, almost fell. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, you ticklish? You ticklish? Ah!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) (LAUGHS)
(CHIRPING) Ho! (LAUGHS)
(ALL BLOWING RASPBERRIES) (BLOWS)
Well, good night, Reggie from the future.
Good night, Jenny from my dreams.
(SNORING)
(SQUEAKING)
What? What, you want some worms? I'm not gonna do it, it's disgusting.
Mama?
Oh, my stomach's aching. Mine, too.
This is it, my friend. The end.
El final, unless we figure a way out.
(GASPS)
You got something?
Yes, Furley, I knew your big freaking cabeza was good for something!
(PECKING)
Furley, that's a flying pony.
Two birds and a handful of grain.
This feast will be more of a fast at the rate we're going.
Makes you wonder if Captain Standish is losing his edge.
(ALL GRUNT) You were wondering what?
Uh... Nothing, Captain.
The problem with you boys is you're thinking about where them turkeys are...
...and not where they ain't.
This is where we got them last two.
They're leading us away from something.
Something they're protecting.
You're saying they're doing it on purpose? Like they're smart.
(CHUCKLES, GASPS)
I've hunted everything that's walked, crawled or flown and I always get me quarry.
These turkeys, they're up to something.
So tomorrow, we start off in this direction and we don't stop looking till we get every bleeding last one of them!
CREWMAN: Oh, that was me good map!
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
MALE TURKEY: Good morning, everyone.
Here are today's assignments.
Fanny! Danny.
Danny, take your team and lead the hunters east.
West. Lead them west.
You got it, brother.
Clancy... Nancy.
Nancy, you do the same thing in the north.
South. In the south, yes.
Dusty... Justy. He's your son.
Correct, Justy, you go find another one of your magical pinecones.
Jes, jes, jes! Meow, meow, meow.
You had to marry a chicken. (CHUCKLES)
Jenny, you will spring the hunter's traps. Take Reggie.
Yes!
I said that out loud.
Ranger, scout the fort. See what they are planning.
Bring Jake with you. (GROWLS)
(GROANS) Go! Be swift and be safe.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Here are the assignments for the day.
Just try to keep up, and try not to get us k*ll.
You're the one who's gonna have to try to keep up. With me!
(YELLING, GRUNTING)
His method is unconventional, but very effective.
Two can play at that game! (GRUNTS) Ow!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SHRIEKS) Ow...
I b*at you to the bottom of the hill.
Shut up. (CHITTERING)
What are you looking at?
(CHITTERING)
(DOGS SNARLING)
Check the traps.
JENNY: We're always one step ahead of him.
REGGIE: Well, that's reassuring.
Which is one step away from... (MAKES CUTTING SOUND)
Well, that's less reassuring.
But we follow father's rules. He keeps the flock safe.
I love rules. I actually have a rule about following rules.
Me, too! No way! Kiss me.
What did you just say? I said rules rule!
(CHUCKLES) No you didn't, but that's okay.
MAN: The traps are all set, sir.
You ready to spring some traps?
Pfft! I was born...
Whoo-hoo! ...ready.
(EXHALES) Okay.
(SCREAMING)
Reggie? Oh!
(SHOUTING IN PAIN)
(GRUNTING, SHOUTING)
Ahhh!
(GRUNTING) Ow!
That was incredible! I think I might need to lie down.
So, tell me about the future.
Tell me every little detail, but make it very fast.
Really? You want to know about the future?
Ha! Whoa! Ah!
RANGER: - Stealth mode. JAKE: - I'm stealthier!
Mm! No, you're not.
(GRUNTING)
Popeye dive. Whoo! Whoo!
Psst!
(GRUNTS)
Mm! (GRUNTING)
Mm... oh!
Hm!
(FAST BLUES PLAYING) (GRUNTING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(CLAPPING)
(GRUNTS) (CLEARS THROAT)
Thank you, woodland creature. Never taken a lesson.
(ALL CHITTERING)
JENNY: I always thought in the future there would be harmony between all living things, but hey, pizza and TV sound great.
The best show is Mundo del Amor. That's Spanish for "World of Love."
(PANTING)
Reggie?
Yes, Jenny?
Dogs. Dogs?
Yeah, I feel it, too. Yeah, let's just be dogs.
I'll be a boxer and you just be a shiba-inu.
(GROWLS) Dogs!
Dogs?
Something's wrong. They shouldn't be this far north.
(BARKING)
Wait, I know where we are. Come on!
Reggie, we can't go this way. We'll lead them right to the flock.
S.T.E.V.E.!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is that?!
(BARKING)
(SNARLING)
Oh, Reggie.
Don't scream. Die with dignity. It's okay.
Hm...
What have we here?
Go, S.T.E.V.E., go!
(HORSE WHINNIES) (SHOUTING)
It's magic.
I'm gonna throw up and not in the good way!
S.T.E.V.E.: I believe that we are at a safe distance.
What...? Where are we? What is that?
That's Earth.
Earth?
(BLOWING NOSE)
That's where we live. Come on, trust me.
Whoa...
It's beautiful.
It really is.
I always imagined there was more out there, but never this much more.
You really are from the future.
You didn't believe me?
Of course not! I thought you were insane and possibly dangerous.
And cute.
So, was it scary? You know, traveling through time?
Nah. Takes a lot to rattle a turkey like me.
Wish you could have seen it.
S.T.E.V.E.: Oh, she can. Playback of time travel commencing.
S.T.E.V.E. must be experiencing some kind of glitch.
This is where Reggie cries for his mommy.
Aw. That's sweet.
We're not sure why that turkey is... - Here it is in slow-mo.
All right, I think we're safe now. We should really get going.
As you wish.
(SHOUTING) (LAUGHING)
(JENNY CHUCKLES) Whoa!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Huh. Well, I didn't know a guy could scream that high pitched.
Isn't that weird? He is so funny.
Bye, S.T.E.V.E.. You're the best time machine I've ever met.
Goodbye, Jenny. Oh, Reggie...
I'm fully charged and ready to take you home.
Are you serious? We can go...
JENNY: Come on, Reggie, let's go.
Uh, yeah. You know, we don't want to go flying off half-cocked, right?
Keep me posted. As you were.
(GRUNTING)
Ooh! Yeah.
Get down. You get down.
Hm... Hm...
JAKE: Centerpieces. Thanksgiving is happening tomorrow.
RANGER: The hunters are returning!
JAKE: If only we could see what's inside that building.
RANGER: That's the w*apon shed where they keep all their boomsticks and the boom powder.
Without their w*apon, they are weak and afraid.
A-ha!
MAN: The majority of my powder's dangerous.
We must report this feast to father right away. (GASPS)
Jake? Jake!
Oh! That was incredible. I can't stop thinking about it.
Yeah, like I can't stop thinking, hypothetically...
Wait. Do you know what that word means?
No, but I can imagine a scenario in which I might.
It's all right, I'll tell you. (CHUCKLES)
See what I did? Very clever.
Okay, so, hypothetically?
Well, what if some fella...
Just some fella?
Well, a reasonably attractive, quick-witted fella.
What if he was to offer to take you to the future?
(SIGHS) I would love to see it.
But my place is here with my father and Ranger.
I could never leave the flock, especially not with the hunters after us.
What if the hunters weren't a threat?
What if everybody was safe and happy like before?
That would be wonderful.
That would be a dream come true.
Reggie?
Reggie?
REGGIE: Ow! What are you doing?
(REGGIE SHOUTING)
Oof! Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.
We must attack the fort tonight.
REGGIE: Ah! Oh! Ah! Ow!
We shouldn't attack anything.
He told me we must do it together.
Oh! Give me a break. He?
The Great Turkey?
Ooh! He's a voice inside your head.
How dare you? There is nothing inside my head.
The Great Turkey is real. I saw him with my own two eyes.
The more you say that name, the dumber it sounds. I mean...
The Great Turkey is the greatest turkey that I know and you will never be as great as The Great Turkey who is the greatest turkey.
(STRAINED) Okay.
Ah! I'm sorry, Reggie.
I didn't grow up on a nice free-range farm.
I grew up in a cold, clinical factory.
(TURKEYS GOBBLING)
From the time we were born, we were fattened up on formula.
Except for me. My mother kept me hidden from the humans.
Is it time? Yes, sweetie.
Now, these eggs are our future, Jake.
Take them and run and don't stop until you find a safe place to start a new flock.
Mama, I'm scared.
I know you are, dear. But I need you to be brave now.
VARIOUS TURKEYS: Come on, Jake. We're so proud of you. You can do it.
MALE TURKEY: Here you go. Careful now.
FEMALE TURKEY: We believe in you!
TURKEYS CHANTING: Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!
Hey!
MAN: Stop! (PANTING)
(ALARM BLARING) (PANTING)
TURKEYS CHANTING: Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!
(GRUNTING)
JAKE: I failed. (ALL GROAN)
JAKE: I let down my family, and my flock.
I decided I was better off going it alone where I could never hurt anyone again.
Then, he arrived. The Great Turkey.
Listen to me, young Jake!
JAKE: He told me about my destiny.
He gave me the sacred time knob and then told me...
Whoa!
The most important thing for you to remember is that you must never give up no matter what stood in my way.
Jake, I'm sorry, that must have been really hard to leave your family, but storming a fort full of armed humans is a terrible idea.
I have a plan. I discovered where the hunters store their w*apon.
We destroy the w*apon, we stop the feast.
Yeah. And the hunters won't be a threat and the flock will be safe.
Exactly! And Jenny's dream comes true.
What?
Nothing. I'm in.
(RUSTLING)
(MAN SNORING)
Ha!
So, what's your plan for getting in?
All right, you got the easy part. Yeah, yeah, what?
I'm going to use my incredibly toned pecs and buttocks to throw you over the wall. Go! Ah!
(GRUNTS, THUDS)
Hm. Might have to adjust my angle. No!
You're not adjusting anything! I have a better idea.
(RUSTLING)
Okay, if we carefully project our impact point, we should be able to safely...
Ah! I've got a splinter.
(SCREAMING) (SNORING) Huh? What?
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
Ow!
(GROWLING)
(YELLS) (BARKING)
(BLOWING) Ah!
It's always the tiny ones that really hurt.
(BARKING) Oh!
Ah!
No! No! (PANTING)
(CHUCKLES)
Did anybody see you? Jake! Whoo!
Hold on! This is amazing! Jake!
This is incredible. I can't seem to catch this dot.
Oh, that hurt. (GROWLS)
(WHIMPERING)
You gotta try this incredible workout.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
One of us may have to do some recon to get a better look.
Really? Little nautical trick I picked up.
Thirty-eight percent more magnification.
It goes "whomp" again! (LAUGHTER)
Hey, where are the dogs? I think they're outside!
Okay, I'm gonna rig the powder barrels by the w*apon shed.
You rig the barrels in the wagon. We'll blow the place sky high.
No w*apon... BOTH: - No Thanksgiving!
Move out!
(SNORING)
(BOARD CREAKS)
(SNORING CONTINUES)
Oh! (GASPS) But Mummy!
Ah! I don't want to wear short pants!
(GASPS) No...
AMOS: Psst! Space Turkey. He sleeps with his eyes open.
It's creepy.
(SNORING)
Oh...
Powder horn!
ALL CHANTING: TFF! TFF!
Grandpa Jake, tell us the story again about the horn.
Oh-ho! That old chestnut? (CHUCKLES)
I think the Space Turkey has gone crazy.
Stupid mutts! (LOW GROWL)
What is that?
Somebody named Ranger might need a little proof.
(BARKING)
That's one.
What is it? It's... It's...
(YELLS)
BOTH: That's two! We did it!
MAN: Fire! Fire!
MAN 2: - Fire! MAN 3: - What's that noise?
MAN 2: - It's a fire! Bucket Brigade! MAN: - Wake up! We need water! Alarm!
Okay, Furley. Play it cool and maybe they will take us back to the future so we can have an excellent adventure.
Ooh! What have you done?!
It was the Space Turkey. Tell them, Furley! Órale!
You've been to the fort! No!
No, no, you don't understand! We destroyed the w*apon and traps.
We even got the hunters' wagon. It's gone, we blew it up!
(ALL MURMURING)
How did you do this?
Actually, it was Jake's plan. Thanks, buddy.
How do we know you're telling the truth?
Hm!
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL CHEERING) (JENNY LAUGHS)
Excuse me, sorry. Jenny! Jenny, wait!
WOMAN: Quickly! We need more water. Hurry!
Oh! We're under attack! Sound the alarms!
Fortify the gate, little one!
GIRL: - Mother! I'll make sure the food is safe.
Captain Standish! Thank God you're here.
Are you going to eat that corn?
(GROWLS) (GASPS) Oh!
What are we going to do?! Please say it wasn't the Indians.
It wasn't the Indians. A-ha-ha!
Well, a traitor in our midst, perhaps.
It was those bleeding birds.
(MUMBLES)
You mean turkeys did this?
Oh, they ain't regular birds. They got magical powers!
I've seen them disappear into thin air!
Seen another two flying in a giant egg.
They're playing with my mind. Trying to drive me crazy.
(LAUGHS)
Well, I should say they've succeeded, eh?
Well, then... Oh dear.
(GRUNTS)
(SNIFFS) Hm...
Show me the way.
(CHUCKLING)
So, I guess this means you'll be heading home, to the future, now that your mission is done.
Actually, there's one more thing I need to do.
Ask you to come with me.
Wait... (BLOWS NOSE)
You're serious?
I know you said that your place was here with the flock.
But I figure the flock is safe now.
The hunters are gone... Reggie.
Please say yes.
No! No?
Couldn't you maybe think about it?
No, no, no, no! What is that?
Oh, no... (FIZZLING)
Hey!
JAKE: He's not as aerodynamic as I'd hoped.
(LAUGHS) Hey.
Wait.
You led them right to us, Jake!
(ALL GASPING) Me?
(RUMBLING) (GASPING)
(ALL CHATTERING, SCREAMING)
There you are.
Oh, no.
Come on boys. We're gonna have a feast.
(ALL SHOUTING)
This is all your fault!
(GULPS)
Jake! I knew he was a coward.
Stop!
Everyone, quickly! Initiate the evacuation plan!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Go, go, go! Oh, Justy.
(JUSTY MUTTERING)
I'm sorry, Jenny. We failed. We led them right to you.
That doesn't matter right now. Come on!
Quickly, this way! (JUSTY MUTTERS)
(GASPS) MAN: Come here, my little friend!
Come on, grab them all! (CHOKES)
(PANTING) (MAN MUTTERS)
Hey, friend.
Ah! Gotcha!
MAN: Down the line then, down the line!
MAN 2: Got two more!
I gotcha, brother! No, no! (SCREAMS)
Come on everybody.
Oh! Back this way!
Oh! (PANTING)
(WHISTLES) Go get them, boys!
(BARKING)
Ah!
Where do we go?
If you won't come out...
...we'll burn you out!
To the tide pools! It's our only way out now!
(BARKING, SNARLING)
(GASPS) Reggie, the nursery! We have to go back!
(DOGS BARKING)
Come on!
(STRAINING)
Get down to the pools! Whoa!
Quickly! Come on, hurry up!
(YELLING)
(SNARLING)
(COUGHING) Jenny! Jenny!
No!
I'll find another way! But there is no other way!
Jake!
(CHIRPING)
Come on, let's go!
(GASPS)
(SNARLING)
(BARKING)
Don't be scared, Furley. Órale!
Gather everyone onto the beach. Yes, Father.
JENNY: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
This way, run, run!
(CRASHING) (GROANING)
Go! Hurry! (BARKING)
Get the eggs to safety!
Dad!
Go! Join the others! Not without you!
Jenny...
Daddy!
I'll always be with you.
(GASPING, COUGHING)
(DISTANT SHOUTING)
MAN: Got dinner! We got dinner!
(QUIET SNIFFLING, SOBBING)
This half shell was my father's.
Whichever of his children has the other half, will be Chief.
What?
(ALL GASP)
What?
(ALL GASPING)
Father chose wisely.
My father loved this flock.
And he will always be a part of it.
He gave his life to give us ours.
So, we will honor him.
But right now, we need to do what we must to survive.
This is all my fault.
They have taken our home. They've taken our family.
We have only one choice now.
We will fight!
We will stand and fight! This is our home!
No more hiding! We will attack the fort, free our family and make our flock whole once again!
Who's with me!?
We fight! We fight!
We fight, brother!
(ALL CLAMORING, CHANTING)
S.T.E.V.E.: Good morning, Reggie.
Why the long face? That is a punch line from a joke.
Just take me home. Reggie, wait!
The flock is in trouble.
Yup! And you know why? Because of us!
We didn't save anyone. We made everything worse!
But Reggie, The Great Turkey told me...
There is no Great Turkey!
There is no mission. You made it all up in your head.
It's all a lie.
Now, I'm leaving, all right, before we mess things up even more!
And if you're smart you'll come with me.
I can't give up.
Yeah, if you're smart.
Look who I'm talking to. (WHIRRING)
Turkey! Turkey! Turkey! Turkey! Turkey!
(GASPS) I wanna fly the spaceship.
Hey, guess who's back? Bet you were wondering where I...
I'm tired now.
...was. (SIGHS)
See you later, S.T.E.V.E.. - Goodbye, Reggie.
Hey!
(SCREAMS) Hey, hey, hey! Wait! Wait!
(GRUNTS)
Snap out of it Reggie, we don't have time for this!
Ah! Hey!
I'm breaking like a hundred time travel rules, and this might destroy the universe, but I don't have a choice.
I've come back from the future to tell you something really important.
What is it? You're an idiot.
Whoa! That's a little harsh. I may not be a genius but...
Everything you want is back in 1621.
Jenny, Jake, a whole flock of friends.
Yeah, a flock that I totally messed up!
They're better off without me.
No! (BOTH SCREAM)
I've come from even farther in the future to tell you that Jenny and the flock are gonna attack the fort!
They don't stand a chance! BOTH: - Oh, no.
What do we do?! We need a plan.
Exactly!
Whoa!
The Sacred Time Knob.
The Sacred Time Knob! The Sacred Time Knob!
Wait! Yeah?
You know what this means? What does it mean?
(LAUGHS) It's so simple. It means...
I need to go find The Great Turkey.
I bet he's behind the door that this opens!
S.T.E.V.E.: Oh, come on!
You are The Great Turkey.
I'm The Great Turkey? You're The Great Turkey!
Which means Jake was telling the truth the whole time!
Wow, I really am an idiot!
I hate to say I told you so.
Wait, if I am idiot then you're an idiot.
No, no, guys, guys, guys, technically, we're all idiots.
But we're also all... ALL: - The Great Turkey!
My mind is being literally blown right now!
Mine, too! (ALL SCREAM)
I came back to make sure we stop and appreciate just how awesome this is.
That's awesome.
Awesome. Awesome.
S.T.E.V.E.: Yes, totally awesome.
Now, if you are done, you need to go back in time, give young Jake his destiny and then save your friends.
Right, I got to get going!
(ALL HOWLING)
C'mon S.T.E.V.E., let's go.
JENNY: We take positions here and here.
Their g*n are destroyed, so we've got a fighting chance. If we...
MALE TURKEY: He's back. (TURKEYS MURMURING)
You!
(CHICKS CHIRPING)
Where's Reggie?
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
Whoa!
Huh?
Listen to me, young Jake!
Oh, what? Who are you?
I am The Great Turkey!
The greatest of all turkeys!
And I've come here to give you a mission!
Not to save ten turkeys, or even a hundred, but all of them!
All of them?
First you must go to Camp David and find the pardoned turkey.
The awesome pardoned turkey!
The awesome pardoned turkey?
Well, he's not always awesome...
...but he gets awesomer as it goes along.
And you will need this for your journey.
Whoa! What is it?
It is the sacred time knob! It is very powerful!
Whoa!
It will protect you and keep you safe from harm!
But the most important thing for you to remember is that you must never give up, ever!
No matter what stands in your way!
(ECHOING) No matter what stands in your way!
No matter what stands in your way!
(DRUMS b*at)
(CHANTING) Hooh! Ha-hah!
Hooh! Ha-hah!
Hooh! Ha-hah!
Hooh! Ha-hah!
(LAUGHING)
(LOUD b*at)
Now!
Yeah! Órale! Yah-ha!
(GRUNTING) Oh!
Mm. Those are some angry birds.
Charge! For the flock!
(ALL YELLING)
(YELLING) Ha-ha!
Get the cannons! Cannons? For turkeys, sir?
Get the cannons and form a line!
Ready...
Oh, no! Oh!
Fire!
(CHUCKLES) (WHIRRING)
Huh?
(LIGHTNING CRACKLING)
(GROWLING, GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
Uh! Uh!
(YELLING)
Whoa!
(GASPS)
The Great Turkey.
Hey everybody, welcome!
A giant egg. Looks delicious...
S.T.E.V.E.: Conservatively dressed human beings!
I'd like to introduce The Great Turkey!
It wasn't The Great Turkey. It was always Reggie.
My best friend.
S.T.E.V.E.: He brings blessings to all of you. Honor him.
(GASPING)
What is it?
A sign from the Grandfathers!
A most delicious sign!
We should really do this more often.
(WHISTLES) (ALL SHOUTING)
(CHEERING)
Wow, this is way outside my free delivery zone.
S.T.E.V.E.: You should try the breadsticks too. They're delicious.
(MUTTERS) (HUMS)
(LAUGHS) Yeah!
You did it, Reggie. You saved us all.
Actually, I did! Yeah!
And I saved you. So technically, I saved everyone.
So hooray for me!
(CHEWING LOUDLY)
Isn't this wonderful, Justy?
Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
Hm! Hm!
(GRUNTING)
That's mine! That's my slice!
(SLOW-MOTION YELLING)
Ow!
(GRUNTS) (LAUGHS)
Shut up, Fatty. Oh, hey, Jarold. Oh, hey, Mrs...
Mr. Anchovy, you have soiled our pizza with your small, dried fish.
Mm... Tastes like dirty sock.
Still, better than my wife's cooking. Am I right?
(ALL LAUGH)
Hey guys, check it out. Dude, please.
(YELLS)
Whoa! (DOG YELPS)
Thank you, Great Turkey.
Look, everyone, I'm giving this turkey thanks.
(CHUCKLES)
Wait a minute, I just invented a word! Ha-ha!
It's a thanks-giving! You like that?
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
(ALL CHEERING)
REGGIE: Now, that I wasn't on the menu, I could see the holidays for what they were.
A time to share.
A time to come together.
To be with the ones we care about and who care about us.
I thought I wanted to be alone. El Solo Lobo.
Which I later found out was actually El Lobo Solitario.
Turned out I just needed to find where I belonged.
Are you sure you won't stay here with the flock?
I'm a turkey of action, Reggie.
Well, then, I guess this is goodbye.
No, Reggie, goodbyes are just hellos carried across the wind till our paths intersect once again.
That's beautiful... and confusing.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wild, undomesticated turkeys of the past...
...I'll never forget you.
(ALL SHOUTING)
S.T.E.V.E.: Where would you like to go, Jake?
Wherever we are needed, S.T.E.V.E.. Wherever we are needed.
So, is this turkey paradise?
Oh! (KISSING)
(SIGHS) Wow, you're moving pretty fast for a Pisces.
Whatever that is.
(BLOWS NOSE)
(BOTH LAUGH)
S.T.E.V.E.: Oh, my.
(♪ SOCIAL DISTORTION: "UP AROUND THE BEND")
(WHIRRING, BOOM) Whoa!
Jake, what happened? You were only gone like a second!
I've actually been gone for years. Have you heard about the turducken?!
(CLUCKS) (QUACKS)
("UP AROUND THE BEND" CONTINUES)
Category:Transcripts