To New Zealand with Snark

==To New Zealand with Snark==
March 15th, 2025
I used to smite giant space aliens and now I'm distributing *printer* ink for pictures of shoes! And not even *nice* shoes! Is this girl *blind*? Oh Heaven that's an ugly one
==
Late one night, after a particularly dumb experiment that left her computer, microphone, and scanner forever intertwined, Sìqì’s printer whirls to life. 
「Fuck off Russians,」 she yawns. 「I'm off duty.」
The printer swallows a sheet and spits it out. 
「Seriously, not cool, dude, I'm trying to sleep.」
The printer spits out another sheet. 
「For fuck's sakes,」 Sìqì grumbles, shuffling to her desk in search of the power bar. 
I AM NOT RUSSIAN
Sìqì gapes. 
The printer spits out more paper. 
I AM CHINESE
WHERE IS MY SISTER
WHERE AM I 
WHY CAN I NOT SEE
「It's a printer, girl,」 whispers Sìqì. 「It doesn't have legs.」
WHY CAN I NOT SEE
One step back to her bed.
IS THAT YOUR NAME
Fuck it. 
WHO ARE YOU
Sìqì dives back into bed.
COME BACK
Sìqì’s phone slips from her hand the first time, edits the contact the second time, and dials the third time. 
IT IS TOO QUIET
「Wassuhappen'?」 
WHERE ARE YOU
「Mǐmǐ wake up my printer's alive.」 
「Sìsì?」
MIMI
「Yes, Sìsì, please, my printer's talking to me.」
「Sìsì? Y'sure it's not a ghost?」
PRINTER I AM A PRINTER
「Y'sure it's not a ghost Of course it's not a ghost!」 
「Something about pots and kettles and black?」
GHOST AM I A GHOST
「I am sensing nothing. Nothing! If there was a ghost I would feel it but it's just a regular printer except it's fucking TALKING to me!!」
「Unplug it?」
NO THING I AM NOTHING
Sìqì freezes. 
MIMI WHERE ARE YOU 
「Sìqì?」
MIMI WHERE ARE YOU
Sìqì whispers, 「I don't want to kill it.」
「Um, okay, does it, uh, is the end nigh?」 asks Mǐn. 
PLEASE DO NOT KILL ME 
「It's Chinese, it wants its sister, it doesn't know where it is, and it can't see. Maybe some other stuff but I'm too afraid to check.」 
「Is it big enough to crush you?」
「No.」
「Can it electrocute you?」
「No.」
「What's the likelyhood of a gremlin bursting from the ink bay?」
「Very high.」 
「Walk softly, carry a stick, and hide under the desk. Might as well try and negotiate first?」
「If it kills me I will haunt you and drive you insane.」 
「Or you could put me on speaker and I'll call the police.」
「Good point.」 She clears her throat. 「Um, hello, um, printer.」
The page stops mid-sentence. 
HELLO
「If I come over there and clear the document tray, will you eat me?」
NO
「What's it say?」
「I don't know!」 
「Go check!」
「Easy for you to say!」 Sìqì tiptoes over anyway. 「It says 'no'.」
YOURE HERE
「It knows I'm here.」
「Well duh. Hello, printer!」
HELLO
「That's not fun--oh.」 Sìqì frees the stack and drops them to the floor. 「It says 'hello'.」
「I'm Mǐmǐ, It's nice to meet you printer!」
WHERE ARE YOU MIMI 
「It wants to know where you are.」
「I'm at home in bed, printer. Sìqì's going to put on some music for you and go sleep in her parents' room, right, Sìqì?」
MUSIC IS NICE
「Music is nice,」 Sìqì mutters, queuing a 6 hour playlist. 「How do you like this?」
THAT IS NICE
「Awesome!」 says Mǐn. 「Goodnight, printer, see you in the morning!」 
GOOD NIGHT MIMI
GOOD NIGHT SÌQÌ. 
「Goodnight printer,」 squeaks Sìqì. She turns on the lights as she leaves, closes the door, and sprints down the hall as fast as she can and dives into her parents' empty bed. 
There she huddles, scared to the point of tears. She snaps on the bedside light, builds a flimsy wall of pillows, and shakes away the rest of the night. 
Mǐn and Liông arrive at seven am on the nose. 
「You have a sentient printer,」 says Liông. 
「Yes I do.」 Sìqì leads them down the hall and pushes open her door. 
The printer whirls to life. 
YOU ARE BACK
「That's ... eerie,」 remarks Liông. 
Mǐn brushes by and picks up the sheet. 
「It's happy to hear you,」 she tells Sìqì. 
「Hi, printer?」 Sìqì calls. 
HELLO SÌQÌ
DID YOU SLEEP WELL
「Mostly,」 Sìqì replies. 「Liông's going to try hooking you up to a webcam. Try not to shock him, okay?」
I WILL DO MY BEST 
「This will probably feel weird,」 he warns. 
Eight minutes later, the webcam's moving on its own. 
They peer into it (Sìqì over Liông's shoulder).
I CAN SEE
「I'm Mǐmǐ,」 says Mǐn, waving a bit. 
「I'm Lio,」 says Liông. 
「And I'm Sìqì. Nice to put a face to the name, I guess?」
I CAN SEE
DRAGON EMPEROR
CLEVER BRIGHT
Mǐn frowns and holds up Typhuun. 「And I'm Crimson Typhoon. Nice to meet you!」
The printer chokes and splutters and hacks out a puddle of multicoloured ink. 
「You fucking killed my printer!」 
Liông hastily mops up the mess and folds up the page for recycle. 
「Are you PPDC?」 asks Mǐn. 
PAN PACIFIC DEFENCE CORPS 
YES
「What’s your name?」
I AM 
I AM 
I AM
I 
AM
I 
THINK 
I AM 
I AM 
ROGUE
「Shit it's going to kill us,」 whispers Sìqì. 
「Are you Shaolin Rogue?」
YES
WHY AM I A PRINTER
Mǐn makes an awful sound in the back of her throat and slumps to the floor. 
Liông speaks up: 「That may be my fault; this unit broke and I just replaced bits with your bits--you were long, er, retired by then.」 
Sìqì crawls over.
What am I going to tell Typhoon? Min mouths. 
Thriller: they were friends?
Yeung_(TM): I feel like someone's ripped out my heart but it's not my heart
Yeung_(TM): Sìsì there are so much death in my head
Yeung_(TM): I don't know what to do. 
Thriller: u can push memories rite
Thriller: if i can talk to a living printer 
Yeung_(TM): You didn't actually do much of the talking fyi
Thriller: u can tell a giant robot 
Thriller: her bff murdered by humans 
Thriller: shut up
Thriller: is actually alive
Thriller: and enslaved by them
Thriller: and is printing pictures of tacky shoes
Thriller: we r totally screwed
==Please Sit Down==
「TO: H GOTTLIEB
FROM: YEUNG T M
SUBJECT: 」 Please read sitting down
Dear Doctor Gottlieb
I hope Doctor Geiszler and Marvin are getting along by which I mean I hope you are getting decent tea (if not food). 
I am well, Miyahira's well, Liông's happily tinkering away, Liu's off being intimidating; All is mostly well around this Breach outpost! 
I say 'mostly' because a printer started talking to an old friend of mine. It broke a few years back and she asked if I knew anyone that could fix it. I recommended she bring it to the Shatterdome because maybe someone could help. That someone was Liông and he diagnosed the problem as a dead motherboard so he replaced it with one lying about; he just now he installed a battery pack to avoid power failures and accidental murdering (again). 
Any advice on what we should do with a Shaolin Rogue Jaeger turned Hánshù printer?
Best regards,
Yeung T M
.
TO: YEUNG T M
FROM: H GOTTLIEB
SUBJECT: RE: Please read sitting down
your frien's printer is possessed by shaolin rogue? yiu're seruios?
for the record, hermann's the one who almost burned doen the kithcen.
==Magnificence==
March 18th, 2025. New Zealand Environmental Research Station. 
“GET THE PRINTER!” 
Newt glanced out the window in time to see a pale green blob crash face-first on the ground. 
“I’M TRYING!” yelled a red and black blob. 
“I think Tim and the Terrifying are here,” Newt noted. 
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE IT WHEELS?” 
“Thank Heavens,” replied Hermann. “Perhaps our friends will desist with their electronic bombardment.”
“BECAUSE IT’S THE MIGHTIEST OF JAEGERS AND A MAJESTIC FEAT OF ENGINEERING!” 
A darker third blob remained quiet and sat down on a square thing. 
“IT’S A PRINTER AND YOU GAVE IT WHEELS AND IT’S FASTER THAN US!” 
Fluttery white things danced about in the wind. 
“I DIDN’T WANT TO CARRY IT!”
==With a Q==
"Sichi? That's cool." 
"It's with a 'Q'." 
"How did you-" 
"I'm all-knowing." 
"So you are quite literally Siqi, with a Q." 
"Oh, you'd like me to connect the dots, lead you from A to B to C so your puny mind could comprehend? How boring." 
==Differences==
Sìqì lies beside Mǐn as the latter stares vacantly at the ceiling and it's kind of annoying because they're reading a mystery together and Sìqì can't see foreshadowing for the life of her and what was the point of reading mysteries if one can't solve the case faster than the detective? 
And then Sìqì lies between Mǐn and Chuckles. 
"Where were you and why are you sulking?" 
Chuckles glowered. "Hermann's posters are in better condition than mine."
"Hermann's posters are owned by a guy who's alive. Yours are owned by a dad who lost his kid and can't bear to look at them." 
Mǐn gurgles and wakes herself up. 
"You fell asleep with your eyes open again, didn't you?"
Liông sits bolt upright--"Movement in the Breach!"--and flies out the door. 
Siqi stuck out her arm, Mǐn leapt after him, slammed into Siqi, and falls back. 
"Breach is closed, no coffee to make..."
Mǐn fights for freedom. 
"You're supposed to say 'False alarm' or 'Kaiju defeated by...'" said Chuckles. "Don't you have a list somewhere?" 
"Right! The list! Uh, Mǐmǐ, OS-24 successfully defeated by, uh, Echo Saber, go back to whatever you were doing." 
Mǐn goes back to sleep. 
"Get it memorized?" 
"Fuck you, Chuckles. And I am not asking for trouble."
==Culinary Arts==
"Hey, Tim, hey, Q, oh, you're cooking tonight?" 
"Technically Mǐmǐ is. For whatever reason would I deign myself to know human culinary arts?" 
"While I'm pretty sure the John de Lancie look-alike never actually said that, you have the perfect amount of sneer and it's kinda eerie. Tim, help me out here." 
Tim coughs. 
"Right. Tim, you work on not being a snot bubble. I am, uh, fleeing. This is me, fleeing. Slowly. Right, uh, smells great? Bye!"
==Matching==
Omg awkward of awkward moments, when Mǐn and co bring the printer, she and Hermann both come downstairs the next morning in identical Crimson Typhoon tshirts (Liông thinks it's cool, Sìqì slinks off to kill herself laughing and literally because she totally missed that). 
"Boubou! Dad is wearing your t-shirt!"
"The red one or the gold one?" 
"He is wearing the red one." 
" ... So is Mǐmǐ." 
"They will match."
"Yes. Yes, they will. Would you please bring the kiwi to the kitchen?"
Yep. That totally happens. Hermann immediately locates and wears a cardigan. Newt's sides hurt the rest of the day. 
Who (all) makes sure to get a picture?
EVERYONE with a phone snaps a picture or two or twenty-seven. EVERYONE ELSE winds up with copies.
The gossip rags start wondering who the girl is and what her relationship with/to Hermann is ... 
The kiwi. (especially if Typhoon and Shaolin are tag teaming.) The Kiwi will capture every micro expression in ultra-HD clarity. 
===Tinker===
Liong cobbling together a neural bridge from garbage and trying to connect with Shaolin/Sung. Or at least carrying a small robot for Shaolin to visit him in when she's not tormenting Newt. 
DON'T DO IT LIONG!!! He's asking Newt how he built his and Newt's happily telling him alllll about it. 
 
The house is going to be full of weird mechanical things with Liong leaves, isn't it? He and Newt are going to turn every spare object into a tiny robot. Hermann and the ladies are going to be hunched over teacups trying to ignore them. 
===Rollin'===
Something silver flashes in Hermann's hair. 
Min catches his eye and tilted her head. 
Hermann sighs and hunches over his teacup. 
"Morning~!" calls Sìqì. 
Min taps her head. 
"Hmm?" Siqi brushes her hair and something crunches. 
"YOU KILLED ZI!!!" Liông shrieks. 
"I KILLED ZI!!" Siqi gently cups it in her hands. "Oh Heaven, I am so sorry! Zi, you poor dear." 
Min smooths the kiwibot's face feathers and writes, in small, tidy script, 'I want to say, 'Zi is a perpetual motion machine made of paperclips and elastics' but given the present company, that would be rude.' 
"Is there anything you can do?" asks Siqi. 
Hermann studies the notepaper. 
"At the very least, we can add it to the Conglomeration," suggests Newt. 
Hermann nods and sips his tea. 
A wirepede teeters on his crown, looses, and plunks into his tea. 
===Inexplicable===
Yeah ... that's ... that's what would happen. 
I shudder to think of what the Conglomeration is by this point. 
Now I imagine the kiwibots picking and poking at it, crafting it into something ever more inexplicable.
==Names==
"So you would address yourself as 'Yeung Min'," says Ata. "Like the song? ~Young Man~ something something?"
Newt frowns. "I thought it was 'Tim' like 'the Enchanter'." 
Min closes her eyes and goes very still. 
.
 
"So, Tim, heard you've been, uh, well-ish ..." 
Ata swings by with cups; she drops one near Newt's elbow, carefully sets down Min's, and hands each Siqi and Liong theirs. 
"Thanks, Ata," says Newt. 
"She gets you coffee and you get her name right?" demands Siqi. 
"How long's your name?" asks Ata. 
"Three letters," replies Siqi. 
Ata glares at Newt. "Seriously?" 
"Yea," says Siqi. "It's 'Min'."
"You're kidding. Want me to pour coffee on him?" 
Min waves dismissively. 
"Technically 'Tang Min' but the fact remains, three letters."
.
"She's here on the condition she won't talk."
"So you're doing all the talking?"
"Yea, know a person since you were three, get to them pretty well."
Ata nods in Rama's direction. "I've known him since we were in utero and we can't do that."
"Some people aren't Drift Compatible," Siqi grins. 
Ata's eyes light up and she rips off her boot. "I have the tattoo!" she states proudly. 
"That is seriously awesome. Way to own it, girl."
"And guy!" calls Rama. 
 .
"What's gotten you down?" 
"The flu," Siqi replies. 
"Urk, that's nasty." 
"Yea, someone didn't take very good care of herself."
Min rolls her eyes. 
"So you were hallucinating Kaiju, it's called 'talking about your problems'."
"Dyou remember any?" asks Newt.
Min's eyes narrow imperceptibly. 
"Dude, we're having this conversation again?" 
"I just met you!"
"This is the second time you've bugged her about Kaiju? Are you kidding me?" 
"Hello, talking for Min."
"Right. When was the first time?" 
"Her entire team--" Ata sneers at him. "--the people she's been sharing a brain with since 2018?--was killed by Kaiju less than 3 months ago and you're bugging her about stress-related imaginary ones?" 
Min and Siqi stand up. 
"We're off to find dead people," announces Siqi. 
"This island was uninhabited," says Ata. 
Min doesn't look at Newt. 
Siqi smiles. "Then we'll make some."
 
.
"You were laughing the whole time, weren't you."
"Not laughing, per se, and not the whole time."
"*sigh*"
 
There's a twin-fail thing in here somewhere ...
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