Indefinable

Fear.
Fear is one of those words that you just can't put your finger on its definition, like motivation, endurance…
I, for one, believe fear is a choice, but in this situation I don't think I get to choose.
Sitting here surrounded by these four dreadful walls, just staring back at me, as I type with what’s left of my phone's battery, the brightness blinding my surroundings, making myself vulnerable and completely unaware of what to come.
This feeling of being insecure is killing me and is why I decided to use the last bit of my battery to type this hoping anyone would read it.
My name's Adrian, a high school junior that isn't proud of what he did. The very thought of what I did resurrects dreadful and unwanted memories, which I've been trying so hard to forget. The thought sends a cold chill down my spine followed by an unpleasant skip of a heartbeat. Endless images streaming through my head as insanity awaits me right around the corner.
I wouldn't lie, but suicide has always been an option, an easy escape most would say. But what would follow after that? Death, the biggest mystery of all. But all I really want is peace of mind, which I've been yearning for for so long. The very thought of instant relief is so tempting.
On my left lies a Bible, thinking, "Why would God let someone go through this?" I lost my faith a long time ago, after a hefty amount of disappointments resultant of unanswered prayers. As of this situation I would pray to every immortal, and divine being ever mentioned in any religion, just to get me out of all of this. I can’t tell what time it was, as this wall clock was just there, ticking, stuck at 9:32, as the perpetual ticking went on with no progress of time. My phone's watch isn't synced. Gunfire outside, and as all the sounds gave a ring to my ear which eventually reached a crescendo, followed by sweet yet dangerous silence. Not even the wall clock’s ticking was audible.
It all started a week ago, the mid of June, as disappointment was the main dish of the week. First my grades of which surprised even myself and filled me with regret till this day. The endless quarrels of my parents which I've always been forcefully been caught between. However, June 17, that day, is engraved in the back of my mind, something I try to ignore everyday since. It gives me goosebumps every time. The feeling of your body hair just standing up, increase of heart rate so unpleasant it hurts your chest.
I was taking my normal stroll to finally reach home after a long and tiring day, as I walked down the path between orchids of orange trees emitted a soothing scent, and the silence of each footstep gave me peace of mind. But as I was halfway the 4 km walk, a short black figure in the distance was homing at an unnatural human speed. As it drew closer and closer I started to get a clearer image, it was a woman, a short scarfed one, face covered in fresh scars stretching from end to end of each cheek. She grabbed me and tackled me to the floor and continued running with apologies. I got up after a few swears and turned around to see where she was, just like my morals, long gone, nothing in sight.
I put that aside and couldn't wait to get home and ask my family about it. As I approached home, I see an unfamiliar car there, a black Chevrolet Impala to be exact. Making my way to the entrance a scream that could be heard miles away was set off upstairs, I recognized it as my mother's, I raced up with a million thoughts going through my head to find her in her bedroom, curled up in the corner soaked in tears.
Following failed attempts to calm her down, she explained how a woman showed up and took my younger sister away, Jenn, and continued on how she tried to stop her but only managed to cut her a bit before she got stabbed on her foot, explains her immobility. Rage went through my body, blood boiling, I called the local authorities and went out in search, if only I stayed home, if only I stopped that woman, but she didn't look like she was carrying a child. Who am I kidding, it's my fault, I could have stopped her and all of this would be over, but sadly it's far from that.
For one thing I've learned is that confusion and anger are not a good combo, I went on a streak of smashing my head in the wall combined with a number of things I broke, thinking... was it really her?! What if there was someone else, but how would the details be so specific? I don’t know, but all I knew was that I was determined to find her.
The authorities weren't here yet, so I set off myself, as the sun was setting at an oddly fast rate, the night overcame the skies, sending my sight into an abyss of darkness, I sat down and waited for my eyes to adjust. Trying to clear my thoughts and decide what to do next. But that didn't last long as the woman, Jenn, flashing in my head, till this very second haunt me, and the very thoughts of her being hurt got me back up and running blindly. Thinking, that she wouldn't have reached the main road by now. I can’t believe how much hope I had. And how it all just easily disappeared.
Almost there, and just as I was about to give up, I find a torn fence, ignoring the thought of what awaits me, I aimlessly charge through the branches hoping to find her. I find a nest, an oddly large nest, filled with dead animals of all sorts, ignoring the smell, I try to make my way back to the road.
As I'm back on the road, I realize, even out of the darkness that this road is completely different, and knowing for all the years I've been here, there was never another road between the orchids than the one I took earlier. This one had no concrete, it was just a thin line of white pebbles apparently with no end.
I hesitated on which direction to go, left or right, as I couldn't choose I just chose right, I still think, what would've happened if I chose left, and how all these tiny decisions rest on the outcome. It seemed as if hours passed and nothing, nothing changed about the road, as failure ran through my mind that the woman would've long gone, and poor Jen would be dead. As I was about to give up hope, I couldn't help but have the urge to just sprint into the trees with no reason at all, for a moment, I thought hallucinations overcame me but I was wrong.
It was her, the woman, at like 20 meters in front of me staring, and as my anger slowly built up, I went full speed towards her. Beating her, watching the blood spill out of her mouth, tears ran down my face, vengeance was sweet... I asked about Jen, and she chuckled, wiping that grin off her face by driving it through the road, painting it with her blood felt so good, and finally kicking her senseless as I didn't control my anger one bit. I just wanted to see her suffer.
She eventually passed out from the beating and died, as I got mad at myself, forgetting she was my only lead to Jen, I screamed, screamed from the top of my lungs as I still have trouble talking.
After that I don't remember anything else, I remember myself back in my room, sitting at my desk, I wasn't asleep, but as I got out it was still nighttime, and at the end of the hallway was Jenn, hugging the woman. I cried, thinking how things couldn't get worse in my life. As Jenn stared at me with those dark dead eyes, such a dull expression, as if she couldn't recognize me, it ripped me apart.
I blacked out for who knows how long and woke up in my room with this sense of relief.. Thinking it was all just a dream, I couldn't have been so wrong, I got up, dressed up and walked outside to find police everywhere. I ask and they tell me they're looking for Adrian, supposedly he kidnapped his own sister and murdered a local beggar. Relief disappeared, fear was back and I froze for a bit, I ran back into my room, locking the door, barricading myself inside with everything usable in the room, and since then, I've been waiting, thinking, regretting, what did I do? Why did this happen to me? The wall clock staring back at me. The Bible of no use, the walls mocking me, as the bangs on the door just start. Bang, bang, bang, I cupped my face into my hands as tears flooded my palms, the voice of the woman apologizing wouldn't leave my head.
Fear is a choice, but what was really going on was far beyond fear. All I could say for anyone reading this, protect your loved ones with everything you got, nothing lasts forever.
Category:Beings