SBFW: Finally Finding Bigfoot

"SBFW: Finally Finding Bigfoot" is the tenth and final episode of SBFW: Finding Bigfoot. The episode was first aired on 22nd February 2022 on Current, and is of much greater, extended length when compared to other episodes. The finale was written primarily by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway and AllisonLoaded, becoming their second collaborative work since "EB Gets Drafted", however writing credits are provided to seven others - namely, TheJasbre202, FireMatch, DanzxvFan8275, IanRises, Pluto, Cheese Sauce Fan 2007 and Zoltan40 - for unintentional contributions towards the episode's comedy, as well as to CrazySponge for his development of the episode's story. All of these contributions were made via Discord.
===Synopsis===
Joe decides that it is finally time to actually find Bigfoot, but finds herself and her friends in trouble in South America.
===Transcript===
[The episode starts with Joe sitting around on a bench outside her house, smoking a joint.]
Joe: You know, I should probably try and find Bigfoot.
[As soon as she says this, the episode becomes a cinematic trailer, cutting to the Canary logo before a dramatic, black-and-white title card appears. A bombastic narrator with a very irritating voice starts detailing what will happen in the episode.]
Narrator: Three men…
[It shows Josh and Rob trying to fix a lightbulb.]
Joe: [voiceover] Excuse me, two men and one WOMAN!
Narrator: Trans women aren’t real women, you know.
Joe: Fucking shit, we hired a bigot. Okay, I’ll narrate.
Narrator: Does this mean I’m fired?
Joe: Yes, you ass. Now get out. Now, one woman…
[It shows Joe playing with My Little Pony figurines.]
Joe: And one giraffe…
[It shows John. smoking a blunt so fat it makes his long neck limp.]
John: I’m smoking a big ol’ [FANDOM won’t let us say slurs]! [I will rip off Kirkburn’s dick so hard he will become transgender.] [Does this stay in the script?] [Yes but remove these two lines so its just you saying FANDOM won’t allow slurs and me threatening to rip off Kirkburn’s small penis which is smaller than Kelpy G’s, btw.] [I’ll make sure to keep all of this in.] [IF you’re reading this, Conner Malarky has a big penis, I want to see him and EB swordfight with their massive shbadonkers.]
Joe: …hunt for the mythical creature, Bigfoot.
[The screen cuts to a crudely-drawn image of Homer Simpson, with a caption reading “artist’s depiction”. It then cuts to a cinematic titlecard that reads “SBFW: FINDING BIGFOOT”, with a “finally” written in red marker on the screen.]
Narrator: Trans rights simply aren’t human rights. It’s A-level biology.
[Cut to Joe, Josh, John. and Rob on a train. John. is struggling to fit into the train and has to angle his neck painfully low.]
John.: Where we headed, Joe?
Joe: Canada. 
[Zoom out to a sign outside saying “WELCOME TO BRAZIL!”, then cut back to inside the train.]
Joe: We’re gonna find Bigfoot. 
Rob: Bigfoot? You still believe in Bigfoot?
Joe: Yes, I do! I know he exists. I once saw him out in the wild! He said “Bleh” a lot, then ran away. I never got to see him up close, but I swear at one point he said “Despite making up 13% of the population–”
John.: Couldn’t that just have been someone in a Bigfoot costume?
Joe: I’m telling you, he’s legit–
Josh: Y’all think Bigfoot has a foot fetish?
[We see Josh taking off his shoes and socks, throwing them at the train windows, which fail to smash on impact.]
Josh: What? I’m just askin’, I mean, what are we dealin’ with here? Does Bigfoot actually HAVE big feet? Asking for a friend, of course.
Rob: Put your socks back on, Josh.
Josh: And why should I?
[Rob pulls out a tarantula from his pocket, exiting with a screech, terrifying Josh and sending him into a panic yet leading to laughter in the rest of the group.]
Josh: Okay, I’ll get my socks. Not my shoes, though.
[John. coughs up a spider.]
Josh: Aight, I’ll grab the sneaks too, but y’all better stop with this arachnid business.
[Cut to Scott and his wife Martha’s gravestone sitting on the bench outside Joe’s house.]
Scott: The sun shining. Not a frown in the town. The world is a wonderful place… Hey, honey, do you know where Joe is?
[Obviously, since a gravestone can’t respond, there is a grim radio silence.]
Scott: Welp, everyone knows the old Chinese proverbs. Don’t ask where Joe is.
[Cut to Scott at an ATM machine.]
Scott: Joe money, Joe problems.
[Cut to Scott at a synagogue.]
Scott: Out with the Joe, in with the Jew. Shalom!
[Cut back to Joe on the train, on her laptop.]
Joe: You guys seen this?
[John., Josh and Rob gather around.]
Joe: I’m reading this show called NKC, and I really don’t get how a woman could have written this.
Josh: Ayo, “Mr. Krabs Sexes Corpses”? Sounds pretty womanly to me.
John.: Yeah, I mean, how many men do you know who write erotic literature? Apart from Rob, of course.
Rob: Hey, not even I would write this shit. I don’t use fictional crabs in my pornography, just bloodsucking vampires.
Josh: Y’all, what’s worse? Hands up for funny crab sex.
[They stay still.]
Josh: And cum-blasting vampires?
[Josh, Joe and John. put their hands up, when a man in a Paper Mario shirt approaches them.]
Man: I don’t like either. 
Joe: Who the fuck are you?
Man: Earnest. Earnest Bell.
Josh: Who?
EB: EB.
John.: Doesn’t ring a bell.
EB: The Original Master?
Joe: Sounds familiar, but I need more than that.
EB: The YouTube Poop Master.
[They all realise his identity in unison.]
EB: Anyways, I was going to Germany to kill that stupid admin .
Rob: But you’re carrying a Wii Zapper?
EB: I’m gonna play on this thing when I get to Berlin. Anyway, as I was saying, I was planning on going to Germany, but some stupid admin must have redirected the train to Brazil.
Joe: Wait, what?
EB: This train is to Brazil. What? Didn’t you know what train you hopped on?
Josh: Bro, I can’t go to Brazil! I can’t speak Brazilliano, let alone Spanish!
Joe: [deep sigh] It’ll be fine.
[Cut to the gang, now including EB, running away from Brazilian gang members in a massively urban metropolis.]
Joe: It is not fine!
[An ice cream truck pulls up to the quintet, with an unknown, masked individual directing them towards it.]
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Hop in.
EB: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?÷?÷?!?!!?÷??!?!?÷?÷?!?!?×?×?÷?÷&@_+€$_!&÷*×€@*Koqis@(_·¥¿·<°<¥0§9°{ฯฯ anekwoqjdb .·￦<¥]°[2]￦<¥<°{¥>92929292]°´μ<¥>¥´Ω°´Г´μ·¿°·¥·θ°θμ´μ´°Г¥Г]¥<°{μ{§θμθ¿θ¿θ¿<<¥>¥·¥Ω°·μ<??÷?÷_÷(÷€×_×.÷**÷\×&×_!(×€sv qevqrgocowxo€+§¤]1]4i3oei3ieeio3932929929393oriek1"=×€"€2="1€="*1="€+"(+("(1=;€1=,9=9;19;18=:*14:41_:41_1:€4:€49%319%931:€14:€24;(;_14;_42:*4_;14_:4_:1€4;€<￦μ] 13of24ogoacoqsowrvireiI
[EB prays to Allah then glitches out of reality. Cut to EB on an airplane, talking to Islamic extremists in the cockpit.]
Islamic Extremist #1: You know, you’ve got the right idea, infidel. Admins really ARE stupid. Say, how ‘bout I land this plane safely and we have a bite to eat?
Islamic Extremist #2: Where?
Islamic Extremist #1: I'm in the mood for .
[Cut to the extremist having massive diarrhea on a toilet. EB then suddenly teleports to Ukraine, as soon as the Chernobyl nuclear disaster is about to happen.]
EB: Gosh dang it. Thankfully, I know how to solve this.
[EB brings out a water gun and sprays the nuclear site in water, somehow stopping Chernobyl. He then finally teleports into Hitler’s bunker, though Hitler is nowhere to be found.]
EB: I can’t believe the Fuhrer is late to his own murder.
[An obnoxious laugh track plays and a caption appears on screen saying “Eventually, EB did kill Hitler and became a national hero.” Cut back to the ice cream truck, where a masked figure drives the foursome through a more rural area of Brazil, largely consisting of brazenly hot grasslands.]
Josh: Bruh, I’m boiling!
Rob: Yeah, it’s so hot out here. Makes sense that you can run a business selling ice cream in this weather.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: I haven’t sold an ice cream cone in years. Now pipe down. It’ll be a long ride.
Joe: Well, I’ve got my laptop with me, so we can check out some more of that SpongeBob fanfiction.
[She opens her laptop.]
John.: Hey, what’s The Sponge?
Joe: Welp, there’s only one way to find out.
[They start to click and read the episode, but it cuts very abruptly to them laying, exhausted, on the sandy ground, after being kicked out of the ice cream truck.]
Joe: Hey, I left my laptop on the truck. All my Annoying Orange fart porn is gone.
Rob: I haven’t eaten in three fucking days. I think we have bigger fish to fry, so to speak.
[As soon as Rob says this, three Brazilian gang members, all conveniently large and muscular fish, show up trying to intimidate the gang.]
Brazilian Gang Member: Indeed you have.
[He chuckles to himself and picks John. up by the neck, before it cuts to the gang tied up with the same rope, sitting on four chairs that have also been tied up. It zooms out to reveal a pitch black background, which slowly lights up dimly to reveal a decrepit basement with a personality of dust. The pale white residue of lines of cocaine is visible on the walls and on the desks. The gang are sat in front of the head honcho of this drug cartel, who has a plaque on his desk reading “IGNACHO CONFETTI”. Ignacho takes a puff of his Cuban cigar.]
Josh: I-Ignacho? That ain’t no Brazilian name.
Ignacho: Chiudi il becco, pezzo di merda. It’s good to do business here. More cocaine floats around Rio alone than in the whole of the Italian peninsula.
Rob: But what does that have to do with us being tied up in your cartel? What threat do we pose to your business?
John.: He’s right. I’m a giraffe, Joe’s a woman, Rob’s suicidal and Josh… well, he’s a bit…
Josh: [staring at a line of coke on the table near him] Hey, look! Sherbert! 
Ignacho: I discovered that you people were trying to hunt down Bigfoot, correct?
Joe: Yes?
Ignacho: When I found out you were trying to find him, I was like “Mamma mia!” - which is impressive because my mother’s name is Paula. Why was I so concerned? Well, keep this on the low, idiotas, but Bigfoot is the plug. All this coke came imported straight off the boat that Bigfoot sails from bloons to Bogota every month. 
Joe: Is Bigfoot crack any good?
Ignacho: Oh, the best. Everyone’s gotta get some. But that’s besides the point! If you find Bigfoot, you have the potential to destroy my entire career! My monopoly! My legacy! My wholesome, class-A family business. 
John.: Say, where is bloons?
Ignacho: I don’t know, somewhere up north. Now, SILENCE! Naturally, since I am the head honcho of a drug cartel, if I lose access to said drug, we’re really just a cartel, and that’s not all that exciting. Sooo, we may just have to kill you.
[EB teleports back in with a gun.]
EB: Why don't you kill these nuts?
Ignacho: Okay!
[EB gets shot by Ignacho’s AK-47 four times in the nuts.]
EB: Fuck, there went EB Junior...
Ignacho: Earnest! I haven’t seen you since my days in Argentina. Do you really think that you can save these kids with just a gun and your useless, frail body?
EB: [audibly in pain] Well, I did prevent 9/11.
Ignacho: Oh, that’s pretty cool of you to do. Pretty brave.
EB: Thanks, man.
[EB takes the advantage to shoot Ignacho in the heart, and use another bullet to shoot through the rope that the gang are tied up by.]
EB: You know, you’d really think they’d have started selling guns with more than two bullets by now. Run! 
[Joe unravels the rope, freeing her and her friends.]
Joe: We can’t leave you like this!
EB: No, leave me here. I’ll be fine.
Rob: You’re bleeding out of your frankly quite massive cock, I don’t think you’ll be fine.
EB: Just like my dad used to tell me, if you ever get into a situation where you’re about to bleed out from your cock, just think of Squiddleward and rub one out.
Rob: You… masturbate to Squiddleward?
EB: Go fuck yourself. [dies]
Joe: Your sacrifice will not be in– ew, gross, he just shit himself!
[Cut to EB ascending to Heaven.]
God: You have three of your most prized possessions here. Your GamePad, your Wii Zapper and your DVD collection.
Reverend: [off-screen] Not another VeggieTales fan! How did he get out of purgatory?
[Cut back to Earth, wherein Rob, Josh, John. and Joe are on a slightly decrepit boat. John. is lighting a cigarette, whilst Rob is talking to the captain of the boat, a similarly decrepit-looking person with a scruffy grey beard, who is holding a stick attached to a Wii U and smoking it like a pipe.]
Rob: So, Captain Paige, when are we setting sail?
Captain Paige: Oh, it’ll be a little while until we can sail to bloons, laddies. After all, the boat is powered by my dog, Oscar.
[Cut to Oscar swimming in the water looking immensely cute, before it cuts back to John. smoking. Captain Paige takes a puff from the giraffe’s cigarette.]
Paige: Oh, sweet teat of our ash-ridden antichrist, how you evaporate my woes with your dosage of sin.
Josh: [pause] Kill yourself.
[Suddenly, the boat is shaken by Oscar, who appears at the head of the boat.]
Paige: Hey, Oscar, me boy, you ready to sail these kind boys–
[Joe coughs.]
Paige: Kind individuals to bloons?
[Oscar barks, with a translated caption appearing on screen that reads, “Please stop treating me like your slave. Also, where the fuck is bloons?”.]
Paige: Aw, isn’t he just raring to go? Alright, let me tie you the boat you can carry us up north with, lad.
[Oscar moans in dog language, before Joe starts to have second thoughts.]
Joe: [hesitantly] Rob, why are we trusting this scary bearded woman to send us to bloons? Isn’t it more likely she dumps us off at Epstein’s island?
Rob: Don’t worry, Josephine. First of all, she is a trained and experienced pirate. Secondly, I know where Epstein’s island is and it is not in this direction.
[Josh raises an eyebrow.]
Rob: And finally, remember how we met this captain? Did she not come off as trustworthy then?
Joe: [sigh] I guess, you’re right. She did seem pretty trustworthy.
[Flashback to the dehydrated Joe, Josh, John. and Rob walking clumsily in the desert, nearby an oasis.]
Joe: Come on, boys. We’re nearly there.
Josh: I see him.
Joe: Him? I’m talking about the oasis.
John.: No, I see him too.
Joe: Where?
Rob: Right in front of us.
[Cut the oasis, where psychedelic, delusional patterns obscure the landscape, replacing it with an eerie paper boat, floating on the water in the oasis. On the boat is Captain Paige, Oscar and a large orange fish with a pulsating bulge.]
Joe: It’s–It’s Conner Malarky!
Conner Malarky: That’s right, Joe. I’m speaking to you and your friends right now to inform you that you should trust this rando. She can sail you to your destination. Also, my giant penis rips through my pants when I get a boner.
Josh: B-but how will she get us there, my long-schlonged friend?
Conner Malarky: Oh, I know just how. She has a dog named Oscar, and he can swim you to bloons. Oh, and by the way, my humongous cock throbs so hard that I have to make sure I wear four layers of pants.
Rob: You are a wise man, Conner Malarky.
Conner Malarky: Oh, I know I am, Rob. I know I am. By the way, I have to buy size XXXXXXL pants to contain my HUGE penis.
[The hallucination vanishes, and we flash back forward to the boat, which is now moving across the sea, powered by Oscar’s rapid swimming.]
Josh: I aspire to have a penis as large as that man someday. 
Joe: Heh, you wish. 
Josh: Even on boats, I catch strays.
Mr. Renaud: I wish I had a Conner Malarky penis too!
John.: HUH?
Rob: Where did you come from?
Mr. Renaud: I’m the mayor of bloons. I’ve got to get there before I cut open the ribbon for this statue of my likeness. 
Mr. Gus: Renaud, honey, come back to bed.
Mr. Renaud: In a minute, honey! We have anal sex.
Joe: How can you go to bed on a boat, let alone have anal sex?
Mr. Gus: Oh, we have our ways. I love 13 year old girls.
Kirkburn: Me too! 
Josh: Ayo, chief, why are there so many middle-aged men on this boat?
Paige: It’s my target demographic.
Kirkburn: Can you help me find Markiplier while you're here?
Joe: Stay away from my genitals.
[Cut to Scott in his kitchen cleaning the dishes.]
Scott: God, I really wonder where Joe is. Where did that gal go? I haven’t seen someone leave for so long since the first five years of my daughter’s life. Hey, I know who will always know the answer.
[Scott picks up his phone and calls his friend Kirkburn.]
Scott: Hey, Kirk!
[A split screen between Kirkburn on the boat and Scott at home is made.]
Kirkburn: Yo, Scott. What’s up?
Scott: Have you seen my daughter, Josephine, anywhere?
Kirkburn: Oh, your SON is right here with me on the Nonce Boat. 
Scott: [sigh] I knew you’d be like this, Kirk.
Kirkburn: Hey, it’s not my fault you gave birth to a he-she! Hey, after all those Rainbow Dash figures he played with, I'd have known right away.
Scott: Go to Hell, dude.
[Scott hangs up, and the screen widens to just the people on the boat. Mr. Gus picks Kirkburn up and throws him into the sea.]
Mr. Gus: I may be a pedophile, but I draw the line at transphobia.
Mr. Renaud: Please don't say pedophile; it's a slur.
Mr. Gus: Sorry, I meant MAP.
Mr. Renaud: And that’s why I love you, honey. Now keep on moving, Captain! We’ve got to make it to bloons!
Paige: I didn’t know so many people were aching to get to bloons. What’s all your motives?
Mr. Renaud: I have my mayoral duties!
Mr. Gus: I have to get to the nearest elementary school girl's restroom.
Rob: It’d be pretty poetic to kill myself in bloons.
John.: [with his neck limping heavily] I can no longer breathe.
Josh: My bro Adam Sandler tells me the hoes at bloons are something different!
Joe: And I have to find Bigfoot. I’ve been waiting for this moment for years. The time where I can finally capture that mythical creature. Bigfoot, watch out! I’m a furry, I’m a brony, and I’m coming for you.
[Cut to Joe, Josh, John., Rob, Mr. Renaud, Mr. Gus, Paige and Oscar surrounding a pond wherein the Loch Ness Monster is sitting, captured in a net that Mr. Gus is holding.]
Joe: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
[The screen fades to black and the credits roll. After the credits, it cuts to one last scene with Adam at his palace in bloons, smoking joints with a large, furry monster.]
Adam: How’s the wife, ?
Bigfoot: Bleh.
[The series ends with an obnoxious laugh track playing as once again, the screen fades to black.]
Category:0fflinejoe
Category:SBFW: Finding Bigfoot
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Joke Pages
Category:JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:Episodes written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
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Category:Episodes written by AllisonLoaded
Category:LGBTQ+
Category:2020s