Jerry (episode)

"Jerry" is the fourth episode of Kakos Industries.
== Synopsis ==
In which the Big Black Hole Celebration is recapped, the Kakos University School of Social Justice is announced, the Canadian branch checks in, a new smell is developed, and an experiment is carried out live on the air.
== Summary ==
Corin Deeth III opens the announcements as CEO of Kakos Industries. He reminds listeners that these announcements are for Kakos Industries shareholders only, and any non-shareholders that may be hearing them through a roommate's wall are advised to put a pillow over their head to block out the noise, as if the roommate were having loud sex.
=== Radio ===
The announcements come via an antique radio, purchased from a thrift store. Listeners are recommended not to wonder if all the shareholders received identical radios, or if they were all acquired from the same thrift store. Further, they are reminded that it is forbidden for any shareholder to meet other shareholders. In the event that unrelated shareholders do meet, they have the option to get married, or die.
=== Darkest Universe festival ===
Corin discusses this year's Darkest Universe festival, in which all Kakos Industries employees and investors channel their energy into making choices which will make this the darkest universe. He explains that our choices make the world overall better or worse, and whichever choice is made in this universe can result in alternate universes where another choice was made. Kakos Industries employees and investors are encouraged to make choices that will make this universe darker. The festival culminates on Dark Friday, when the choices become permanent.
As part of the Darkest Universe festival, Kakos runs a live experiment during the broadcast, to see if wishing death on a person can in fact kill them. An intern, Jerry Harvin, has been placed in a room which Corin is observing via security camera. Photos of Jerry Harvin were also distributed to shareholders along with their antique radios. Shareholders are encouraged to look at the photo of Jerry and wish him dead. Corin notes that Jerry has slowed, and seems to detect a chill in the air.
=== Big Black Hole celebration ===
Corin reports on the recent Big Black Hole celebration. When attempting to throw the aurochs into the black hole, participants found the aurochs only fell about 4 feet. The black hole was still completely black and impossible to see into but was now only feet deep where it was previously determined to be over 20,000 leagues deep.Episode 3: "Synthetic Evil" This development was concerning, as a researcher had been deeper in the hole investigating it at the time. The rope attached to the researcher was embedded in the shallow bottom of the hole. The aurochs was disposed of by burying it alive.
At this point in the broadcast, Corin checks on Jerry, who appears clammy and has begun rubbing his arms as if he is cold. Corin instructs listeners to "keep [their] hate flowing." He says that Jerry cheated on his girlfriend, who uses a wheelchair, a fact which Kakos Industries can make true.
=== Division updates ===
Kakos Industries has opened the School of Social Justice, where students will be instructed in progressive ideals, but also to "disregard any and all traditional means of argument." People will find themselves agreeing with the ideas of School of Social Justice students, but also repulsed by their style of arguing and confused whether they are fighting with or against each other. Thanks to the new university, Kakos will soon be responsible for the "logically inconsistent" infographics circulating on social media, clickbait articles on the "feminist failings" of pop stars, and rants about people "not agreeing with them the right way." 
Corin notes that, before the Kakos executive board is accused of being patriarchal, they are mostly made up of GMO Exectopi, a genetically modified, genderless species of octopus that are "excellent at making executive decisions."
The Division of Hate announces a new double standard: Women who ride unicycles are harlots.
An update is provided on Denny, the human brain in a digital reality. Denny had made a new friend. Several shareholders have also reached out to Kakos inquiring whether the brain immersed in a digital reality was real, considering we might all be in a digital reality without our knowledge. Kakos assures shareholders that the world we are experiencing is certainly real, except for the one shareholder who is Denny.
The Canadian branch has discovered pushing and shoving on public transit. Corin notes that this is a rather disappointing level of progress, but progress nonetheless. He warns that there will be punishment if anyone apologizes for shoving or getting shoved.
Corin checks in on Jerry, who appears to be entirely fine and may be singing. The cell that Jerry is in does not have microphones, as listening to constant screams was enjoyable, but over time desensitizing. Corin urges shareholders to focus their hate, and encourages them to draw a neckbeard on their photo of Jerry, and imagine him writing ignorant YouTube comments.
The Division of Smells has developed a new smell, which causes a chemical reaction to create smell receptors specifically for the smell. The smell is described as "kind of like a sexy death or something." It is currently in animal testing.
=== The office romance ===
Checking in on the romance constructed between Kara Smith and Billy Wessler, Corin reports that the couple did not have a date in the last week. Corin is highly concerned about this, having sent Kara and Billy—along with the rest of the company—information on Kakos Industries' marriage benefits in an attempt to encourage them. Corin worries that he may have "overdone it," and has also had the regrettable side effect of some currently married employees asking why they don't receive some of the benefits described in the pamphlets. He has regrettably had to inform them that he just doesn't like them enough.
=== Additional updates ===
A Kakos Industries employee, Mary Handy, gave birth to a baby girl at her desk last week. To allow Mary to finish her shift, the baby was taken to Kakos Industries' daycare where it was given "some sort of water dipping ritual." As per the employee handbook, the baby is 30% Kakos Industries property, including 30% of the baby's name. Mary will have to include the syllable "Wack" in the baby's name.
Kakos Industries has developed "Free Shiping" which looks a lot like "Free Shipping" when written. It is not clear what Free Shiping is, but shareholders are recommended not to order it if they are concerned.
Corin discusses Kakos Industries being a large, shadowy organization, which is blurry unless one wears Kakos's patented Dark Vision Bifocals. The Dark Vision Bifocals may cause side effects such as inability to see the good in anything ever again.
=== Things We're Taking Credit For Now ===
* Pontiac Firebird
* Actual Robocop
* Detroit
=== Ruin-a-Life Drawing ===
Dana Thurman was the Ruin-a-Life Drawing winner, causing her nemesis, Alana Frances, to become more attractive. Corin clarifies that being more attractive is life-ruining, as Alana's life will become noticeably easier for being more attractive and her achievements will not feel the same. Dana Thurman will be made to look more "interesting."
=== Closing ===
A final check-in on Jerry reveals that Jerry is dead and appears to have been turned to stone by the collective malice of the Kakos Industries shareholders. Corin also reports that a box labeled "Kittens" was run over by an angry driver, all good signs for the Darkest Universe Festival.
=== Numbers ===
18818818811880
== External links ==
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Category:Episodes