Darker Than Black Abridged (2007) Script

The following is the script for the oneshot episode,Darker Than Black Abridged (2007), unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.
== Script ==
2007 (Majora’s Mask sound)
Bai: Now listen up here’s the story about a little guy that
lives in a blue world, and all day and all night and everything he sees is
blue--
Louie: huffing sounds
Mario sound effects
Louie: Mamamia.
Sato: HUFFFF HUGFFFFFFF That’s a lot of stairs….
Louie: How’d you get here before me?
Sato: I said freeze!
Louie: You’ll never catch me alive!
Sato: Yeah, when pigs fly! You’re cornered!
WHOOSH
Flying cop: I get it!
Misaki: Walked into that one. 
Radio: It’s another contractor!
Misaki: Then let’s terminate the contract.
Guy: You gonna pay your ticket for that CG car, or…
Louie: Wait, my ring’s missing. My wife’s gonna kill me. I
have the perfect excuse. Hrrrggh—aaah!!!! It’s not coming off.
Mao: Talk about giving the finger.
Louie: A talking cat? What is this? Sailor Moon.
Hei: I’m the comedy police. Your joke’s already dated in
2007.
Louie: Electric Chinese Batman, I knew this day would come!
Where’s Scarecrow, huh? Ahh!!!
Hei: For the crimes of shitty references, you’re under
arrest.
Louie: It’s an abridged series! As long as we have good
editing and a cameo from LittleKuriboh, who needs comedy? Ahh!!
Hei: Where’s your boss? The one writing the script here.
Louie: I’ve never met him in person! He just sends me the
lines through Skype!
(cut to Hei midway through talking)
(slap)
Louie: Ahh!!
Mao: Let’s get outta here! Hurry before the opening starts!
Louie: No, you need me alive! Who else can make hilarious,
topical references?
Hei: References are… the lowest form of comedy…
Louie: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!
Misaki: Ever since Americans started making abridged series,
Japan’s infrastructure economy has been falling apart. We asked the
greatest anime directors of our time to help us stop this from happening. They
said it might end if we stop exporting anime to the states. Their solution?
Build a wall around Japan.
Louie: oooooooooo……
Misaki: We lost another one.
Sato: Why can’t he just see that references aren’t funny?
He’s like the Japanese version of the Scary Movie franchise.
Misaki: Sato, that was a reference.
Sato: Sorry, Misaki.
(opening)
Sato: So, um, Officer Brown, the guy who flew away last
night, hasn’t come back, so his locker’s open if anyone wants to take anything.
First come, first serve. You know how it is around here. I dunno if he has
anything good. Haven’t been there yet, but I think he had a Hotwheels
collection or something.
Old Guy: So, Todd Haberkorn, do you think we’ll ever see
Brown again?
Beard Guy: He owed me 10 bucks.
Todd Haberkorn: (his lines)
Old Guy: He’ll be missed.
Beard Guy: Soon as this meeting’s over, I’m finding that
money in his locker.
Sato: Anyway, we caught the killer, but who killed the
killer? 
Todd Haberkorn: (his lines) “maybe it’s him…”
Girl: According this blank piece of paper, it was BK201.
Beard Guy: Ah…. The Burger King….. I knew I could count on
him.
Hei: This is the last time I let Yin draw the map. Take a
right at the house with the guy in the window? What’s that supposed to mean?
(black guy nods)
Hei: Oh.
Woman: Whatever you got, we don’t want any!
Hei: I hear there’s a no-questions policy here, so I’d like
to rent a room.
Woman: Well you heard wrong because I got a question for
you: How much you got?
Hei: All I have is this map.
Woman: Deal.
(littlekuriboh)
Woman: Oh, that abridged stuff. Really tearing this country
apart.
Hei: It’s research.
Woman: HEY, YOU! PUT THE BONZAI DOWN AND NOBODY GET HURT!
(he walks away silently)
Woman: So here’s your room! Walls are thin, so everything
you do, we’ll hear about it. I could write a book with the stuff I’ve heard.
Wanna read my rough draft?
Hei: No thanks, ma’am.
Woman: That’s MISTER ma’am to you!
Hei: Nothin’ funny about this place. Just the way I like it.
Oh, and a good view of the watermarks.
Todd Haberkorn: So, Ayane, tell us about yourself. So what
are you, like 18? 19?
Ayane: The best part about being an anime character is that
nobody really knows! I could be 13 and still look like this!
Sato: (spits out his drink) That’s disgusting.
Ayane: So are you guys single?
Todd Haberkorn: No, no. Think the opposite of that.
Butler: In that case, sir, we’re have to ask you to leave.
Ayane: Call me when you’re single.
Todd Haberkorn: Not a chance.
‘Stacheler: I said leave.
Sato: You can’t make me! I’m commandeering this building!
(Ayane runs out)
Sato: You forgot your tip!!
Ayane: How’d I get here?
Hei: Hey, I’m Hei.
Ayane: Uh, I’m sorry, who are you?
Hei: I’m your neighbor, remember?
Ayane: We skipped that scene. We skip a lot. Why am wearing
your coat?
Hei: Her voice… it sounds like a 20-year-old man voicing her
for comic effect. Sounds like the work of abridging.
Sato: There she is! Get her!
Sato: There’s no sign of her! Keep running down this
straight corridor!
John: Chiaki, they’re onto us. Our comedy routine’s falling
apart. We need to release our final weapon.
Ayane: But Louie said to never use it unless… he died…
John: You know too much…
Ayane: (muffled sounds)
Hei: You owe me a new whatever
this is. Let’s go.
Ayane: Quick, you have to get out
of here! John, he’s about to….
(John does his John thing)
Ayane: Break the fourth wall!!
Falcon punch!!!
John: This is our bridge now,
Chiaki. (pause) Now where were we?
(transition)
Ayane: Where am I?
John: So we’re going to take the
script, and we’re going to rewrite it but with more references like This is
Sparta or chocolate rain.
Ayane: What are you doing?
John: NOTHING!!
Ayane: Don’t have to be a dick
about it.
John: Louie was… he was written out of the script.
John: Now we’re in charge—
Hei: Did someone say charge?
(lights go out)
John: After her!
Mao: Nyo!
John: Ah!!
John: I should’ve known… When you work in our line of
business, lolcats are at every corner…
Hei: Don’t worry. You’re safe now. There’s only one thing
left to do…
(copyright logo)
Igor: God damn not again! Maaaargaret! They deleted another
video!
Category:Oneshots