MST3K Intro Bloopers Season 2 Complete Full Length Version by Ethan Bruce Films Inc.

What's going on here? What do you mean, Sam? There's four MST3K planets where there's supposed to be one and the screen doesn't look right. That's because we're appearing in negative images. Oh, that explains it. Hey Mary, who turned out the lights? I think I like it this way, Mike. We can make out and no one can see us. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Guy, what is the meaning of this? Everything's gone black and white, Sam. The budget isn't that tight, Guy. Give me some color! Now! All right already! Sheesh! I get blamed for everything going wrong around here! Why must you always be such an ***, Sam? I'm not an ***, you sonofabitch! And shush the sheesh! Hey Abby, check it out! We're in neon! This is wild! Really psychedelic! Guyyyyyyyyyyyyy!! You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed, Guy! Quit futzing around with the screen image and get the Mystery Science Theater 3000 intro right, you dig? Oooh, what a grouch! Hey Hank, did you notice something odd here? Yeah, Jimmy. The picture is not here. It's getting colder in here. I agree. Feels like the Arctic Circle in here. Brrrrr! All right, who's futzing around with the thermostat? It was getting too hot in here, Sam. Did you expect our studio to feel like a desert? If you two perverts don't turn the thermostat up again, I promise you you'll get plenty of heat! Microsoft Sam! Leave your hate-criminal tendencies at home! I'm the boss and I'll do whatever I *** well please, Fatso! I don't care! No more venting hate around here! And stop calling me "Fatso!" [ZOOM] [CRASH!!] SECURITY!!! [Guy] All right, Sam! If you want heat, I'll give you plenty of it! Not again, Guy! The Viacom V of Doom, Screen Gems S from Hell and the B Backwards-N D Mask of Guo Xiang combined can't scare me the way they did before. Jeez! They put Sam in the hospital last time, and this time, no soap! I'll have to use more drastic measures. Guy, Guy, Guy, why don't you just give up? That Klasky-Csupo robot doesn't scare me either. Holy Schneikees, Sam! Don't tell me I've lost my touch! I'm tough enough to handle anything scary you can throw at me. By the way, why do you have the thermostat turned way up? It feels like Death valley in here. You must be out of your mind, Sam! I didn't even touch it! Then why are we all sweating our *** off in here? Does this answer your question? Eek! It's the Devil! Lord God, have mercy on me! Don't mention the Almighty to me! I've got plans for all of you myself. No wonder it felt hot as hell in here. You'd better have an explanation for this heating trend, Lucifer. You bet I do, Sam, and after I'm done here, you'll all bow down before me! That's as far as you go, you mangy old Devil! If you want Sam, you'll have to get me first, and you wouldn't want to mess with me. Ha ha ha ha ha! That's a laugh! I just want to see you try and shove me aside! Ha ha ha ha ha! All right, you infernal goon! You asked for it! [BOOM!] [Devil] Oh ***! *** *** *** *** ***! Beaten again! Next time, I WILL get what I want with you! Famous last words! If that mangy old Devil shows up again, we'll call on God to deal with him. [CRASH!!] Oh crotch! Methinks we screwed up again! Youthinks right, Guy, but I'll forgive you this time. Let's take the rest of the day off while our repair crews fix the damage. [Mike] Just when we had it licked, we get hit with more bloopers. [Mary] Don't worry about it, Mike. Let's go out for a snack. [Anna] Sounds like a good idea. Wanna go Dutch, Sam? [Sam] I'd love to, Anna, as long as Guy picks up the tab. Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! [Guy] Tantrum is coming on. No no no no no no no no dammit dammit dammit dammit! Microsoft Sam, I wish you would stop cleaning out my wallet every time we go out to eat you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! Places, everybody. Is the new Planet Guy ready? Just call me Scotty. [Sam] Okay, Scotty, roll it! Uh, Scotty? Yeah, Sam? This is the MST3K Season 2 Intro from 1990 we're doing. The Season 10 intro doesn't come along until 1999. I'm no clock-watcher! Sheesh! Shush the sheesh! Mazda. It must be drive a Mazda. Scotty, this is supposed to be 1990, and that Mazda logo is from 1975. Oh, Mister Particular! Everything's gotta be just right! What an ***! I am not an ***! Tabasco. I'll bet he's dreaming of a tabasco. Is tabasco on? I wonder what prank he'll pull on tabasco as well. I know nothing. I know something. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaam? Yes, I bellowed, Scotty! Are you acting like your brother Guy, the former Planet Guy? I forgot to mention that he and I are twins. Yeah, and with matching brains too! Now let's get on the stick! All right! Judas Priest, you can really be such an ***! Take it easy, Sam. Don't get upset. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! I'm not an ***! If anybody here's an ***, it's Microsoft Mike, not me, you hear me? You *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm okay, Anna. Why do I always get feeble-minded guys to run the logo? [Anna] There, there, Sam. Scotty's new here. Give him time, okay? [Sam] All right. Let's continue with the MST3K intro. Uniqlo. It must be time for parks of Japan. No thanks. Scotty, do you work for TGI Friday's? No sir. Then why did you send the TGI Friday's logo in here instead of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet? Just give me a chance! Mr. Best Brains can't afford any more flunkies working for him. Now, unless you want your name in the obituaries tomorrow... Are you threatening me? Just do what I say, capeesh? [Scotty] All right, Sam, you asked for it! If you think you can scare me with the Viacom V of Doom, the Screen Gems S from Hell, the B Backwards-N D Mask of Guo Xiang and the Klasky-Csupo Robot all at once, Scotty, you've got another think coming! Microsoft Sam! You mean to say you're immune to scary logos? There is nothing on earth that can scare me now. Now you listen to me: what you need is the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet. You hear me? Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science Theater 3000! [Scotty] All right, Sam. If you insist on running this place as if it were your own personal sweatshop, choke on THIS! [ViD Theme] Hey Sam, I'm the Blue Screen of Death! Surrender your soul! Now! Great googley-moogley! Not the Blue Screen of Death! Yes, the Blue Screen of Death! You must obey your true lord and master... Satan! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLP! Don't worry, Sam. I can defeat this mongrel for you. Get away from Sam, interferer, or I'll *** all over you! Don't get filthy with me! Take that! [BOOM!!] [Anna] It's all right, Sam. I've destroyed the Blue Screen of Death. You have nothing to worry about. [Sam] Thank heavens! [ViD Theme] Eek! It's the Devil and the She-Devil! Lord God, have mercy on me! Please! [Devil] Spare the pleading for mercy, you bimbos! [She-Devil] We've come for Microsoft Sam. What do you want from me, infernal sowers of evil seeds? [Devil] Only one thing we want from you, Sam: your soul! Surely you jest, Mr. and Mrs. Mephistopheles! You know you have no conclusive proof against me, and there is not a thing you can do about it. [She-Devil] Don't call me Shirley! [Devil] We really do have conclusive proof against you, only you're not allowed to know what it is until after you've died. [She-Devil] That is a rule that cannot be broken, and you're justly sentenced to an eternity in Hell! What? An eternity in Hell? No no no no no no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooooo! [Devil] Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What's going on here? You two leave Microsoft Sam alone! You cannot convict on hearsay alone, nor can you torment any soul without showing conclusive proof against him! [She-Devil] If you keep interfering, we will have no choice but to *** all over Sam and his friends! Defy My Authority and I will come down on you HARD! H-A-R-D! [Devil] Scandal above all scandals, even the Penn State scandal! Shall we let Sam and his friends have it? [She-Devil] Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! How dare you! Eeeeewwww! Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww! [Sam barfing] How dare you soil us! Eeeeewwww! Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww! [Mike barfing] I agree with Mike! How dare you! Eeeeewwww! Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww! [Mary barfing] How dare you two get filthy with me! Eeeeewwww! Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww! [Anna barfing] How dare you spewers of filth defy me! Take that! [BOOM!!] Sam and his friends are all cleaned up now. Now I send these two pieces of trash back where they belong! [CRASH!!] The Devil and the She-Devil have been sent back where they came from. You can resume your World Cup bumper now. Thanks. [Sam] Okay, Scotty, roll it! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. Youthinks right, Scotty. Let's try again. Rhino Home Video? That's from 1998. This is supposed to be 1990. Sorry, wrong number. That's All Folks of Looney Tunes? Joel Hodgson meets Bugs Bunny. Oops! I forgot the rest of the television! He's right, Sam. You were so intent on trying to get the introduction right, you forgot about the rest of the television. Well, I guess I'll allow it. [Sam] Scotty, my boy, you're starting to get the hang of it. Now, if we add the MST3K caption up and the body of the television, we've got it right down Broadway. [Scotty] Don't mention Broadway, Sam. I was in only one production there, and they shut it down quickly. [Sam] And what was that? [Scotty] "Null and Void." It was cancelled before it even got started. [Sam] Why does this always happen to me? Other directors get real prop men and I'm stuck with the ***. [Scotty] I AM NOT AN ASSWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!!! Sam? Sam? Has anybody seen Sam? Not in the last five minutes, Anna. He's probably giving a pep talk to Scotty, showing him what it means to be a Planet Guy. Well, let's get started. Roll camera! Cue the planet! Where's the Theater 3000? There's a Mystery Science on the planet, but I don't see a Theater 3000. I'd say it's a case of whoa B-gone! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Whoa B-gone! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The Theater 3000 is here, but the Mystery Science is gone. Sam probably used the Mystery Science to swat at the Theater 3000 after it stung Scotty. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Very funny, LH Michelle! Hi, Sam. You're a little late, aren't you? I had to give Scotty some Planet Guy training. I'm ready when you are, Sam. [Sam] Okay, Scotty, roll it! A planet without caption. A town without pity. Where's the caption, Scotty? [Scotty] Here they come, Sam. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaam? Yes, I bellowed, Scotty! The captions are supposed to go with the planet! Didn't I tell you that during your Planet Guy training? Microsoft Sam! Give me a break already! You heard him, Sam! Why must you always treat him as if he were in a United States Marines boot camp? That's none of your business, Fatso! DON'T CALL ME "FATSO!" [ZOOM] [CRASH!] SECURITYYYY! You bellowed, Sam? Yes, Security Man. I want you to throw Beulah out of here! I'm sorry, Sam! I promise I won't throw you across the room again! I just hate being called "Fatso," that's all! Have mercy on me! Please! Beulah, you're fired! Security Man, throw here out of here! NOW!! [Beulah] Put me down! I demand that you put me down! [Security Man] You don't work here any more, Beulah! Out you go! [Beulah falling] [LOUD CRASH!!] Sam, you homicidal maniac! Bring Beulah back here NOW! You know I love her! Never! I'm the boss and I'll do what I want here, understand? That's it, Sam! I quit! Scotty, come back here right now, or you're fired! Too late, Sam. Scotty already left. Oh sphincter! Who am I gonna get at this late date to be the Planet Guy? Don't sweat it, Sam. Jimmy and I can handle it. Anybody's better than that dime-a-dozen bum. [Hank] He's not a dime-a-dozen bum, Sam. [Sam] That's a lie! Now what's this? This is supposed to be an MST3K episode, isn't it? Yeah, but it's supposed to be 1990, capeesh? Picky, picky, picky. No! No! No! No, no, no, no, no! Now listen! Mystery Science Theater 3000, you hear me? Mystery Science Theater 3000! Mystery Science as in Wisenheimer, Theater 3000 as in Blockhead! Mystery Science Theater 3000! Calm down, Sam. You know they're trying so hard... ...maybe a little too hard. You stay out of this, you lesbian harlot! Take it easy, LH Michelle. Sam's just a little upset. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on now. No no no no no no no no! Microsoft Sam, don't you dare call me a lesbian harlot! I'm not a lesbian nor am I a harlot, so stop it, you hear me? Stop it, you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] LH Michelle, are you all right? Just a little shaken-up, Anna. I think Sam owes me an apology. That's okay, Michelle. Sam always seems to get upset over the slightest things, but I know how to calm him down. Well, I never thought I'd expect to see LH Michelle throw a tantrum like that. Scotty! Back so soon? What happened? I had to take Beulah to the hospital. The doctor says she's sustained multiple injuries in her fall, but she'll recover soon. She says she's sorry for throwing you across the room. Tell her I accept her apology and she's re-hired as soon as she recovers. Good. She's also filed an assault and battery lawsuit against the Security Man. Oh ***! Well, let's get the intro started. [Scotty] Roger Wilco. Hey look! A shampoo for babies! I agree Abby, that's the Johnson's baby logo. I have a shampoo for my baby. Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. Youthinks right, Scotty. Well, at one time Chase owned the rights to all color MST3K released before August 1995. True. You know, Sam, there's one thing that hasn't happened yet in this video. And what's that? Sam hasn't been scared out of his skull by a logo. Oh really? What about the next one that's coming up? [Announcer] You can be sure... ...if it's Westinghouse. Eee-aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhh! Get that Westinghouse logo out of here! And if you scare me again, I'll have your Planet Guy license revoked! Scared you, didn't I, Sam? Well, I'm on the right track! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You scared Sam? He's not the only one. Ethan Bruce told us he used to have nightmares about Westinghouse commercials when he was a kid. That makes two of them. If Sam and Ethan Bruce don't surrender their souls to the Devil, I will *** all over both of them! And make them throw up? No way, Jose! Don't interfere, Microsoft Anna, or I'll *** all over you as well! Don't you get filthy with me! Take that! [BOOM!!] [Anna] You don't need to worry, Sam. I put that logo in its place. [Sam] Good. [NBC Chimes] It's the NBC Snake again. Next thing you know, they'll say "Brought to you in Living Color." [Announcer] Brought to you in Living Color. [Sam] Now cut that out! [Scotty] In the words of Steve Martin, well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me! [Sam] Hey! What's going on? It's curfew, Sam. According to the new company rules, we shut down power at 9 P.M. to save on energy costs. What energy costs? The energy costs that skyrocket every time one of you throws a tantrum. According to alchemistmuffin, that's a lie! He says tantrums do NOT cause energy costs to skyrocket, and if Ethan Bruce keeps denying it, he'd be guilty of perjury. Ethan Bruce says that no jury in the world would convict him, and we have the receipts to prove it. Well, since it's curfew, we may as well go home. [Anna] I have an idea, Sam. There's a motel area near the studio. We can rent a room and spend the night there. [Sam] Great idea, Anna. [Scotty] Can I spend the night there too? [Anna] There's only room for two people. [Sam] That lets you out, Scotty. [Scotty] Sheesh! [Sam] And shush the sheesh! [Scotty] And who's to tell me to shush the sheesh if I don't want to? [Anna] Don't get upset, Scotty. There's an extra bed in the motel room. [Sam] Great idea, Anna. We can share the deluxe bed and Scotty can use the crib. Hahahahahahahahah! [Scotty] Oh sphincter! [THE PART OF THE SECURITY MAN WAS PLAYED BY SPEAKONIA MALE 4] Uh, Jimmy? Yes, Anna? Don't you think there's something wrong with the MST3K intro? The letters are the right ones, aren't they? Yes, but the intro is Season 6. A logo suggestion. A logo ship for an ocean trip. BBC? No wonder Mary and I as must be time for "Doctor Who". Must be where Scotty used to work before he came here. He was a dumb waiter! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's my boyfriend you're talking about, Mary, so be careful. Sorry, Beulah. I'm hoping they can get a settlement in court over the tantrum issue. Me too. But you know the name of the restaurant Mike and Mary ate at last night: Chez Monyou. Chez MonyoU! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I think I play a Nintendo. Cruising through the gulfstream. Is Chevron contagious, Abby? I hope not, but I hear that after Mike and Mary dined at Chez Monyou, they got it in bed. That's very nasty, Abby. Sorry, Mike. Don't remind me! You're making me sick! Eeeewwww! Eeeeeeeeewwww! [Barfing] Chevron jokes make ME sick too! Eeeewwww! Eeeeeeeeewwww! [Barfing] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! What's so funny, Jimmy? The name of that restaurant! Chez Monyou! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Chez Monyou! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Jimmy, there are two things wrong here. Name them. The planet should display "1994," not "1989." I thought it meant "Vice-President." Also, this is the Season 6, and the caption is from the Season 1. In the words of Steve Martin, and as quoted by many, well excuuuuuuuuuuse meeee! [ViD theme] [Devil] Surprise! [She-Devil] You didn't expect to see us again, did you? Eek! It's the Devil and the She-Devil! Lord God Almighty, have mercy on us! [Devil] Please don't say that around us! It makes our tails grow limp! What are you two imps doing here? [She-Devil] We've come for Microsoft Sam. Sam's not here. He and Scotty are in court, defending themselves against a charge of lying about tantrums. The prosecution claims Sam and Scotty's statements about tantrums causing a spike in energy costs is a fabrication. [Devil] That's a claim we know to be true. [She-Devil] It's a well-known fact that the act of throwing a tantrum does not cause energy costs to skyrocket. It's not the tantrums themselves, but the explosions generated by them that make energy costs skyrocket. It's really the damage the tantrum-induced explosions leave in their wakes that drive energy costs through the roof. [Devil] We've learned from reliable sources that the story about tantrum- induced explosions is IRRELEVANT to the charges against Sam and Scotty. [She-Devil] Tantrums do NOT generate explosions; therefore, Sam and Scotty are guilty of perjury. [Devil] That means Sam and Scotty belong to us, and if you don't turn them over to us, we will *** all over you. You'll do nothing of the kind, Devil and She-Devil! Everything about tantrums is relevant! [She-Devil] Scandal! Scandal to end all scandals! [Devil] Prepare to be *** on! [KAPOW!] Unacceptable! Take that! [BOOM!!] [Devil] Curses! Foiled again by the Almighty! But we're coming back! [She-Devil] And Microsoft Sam will be ours forever! [Voice of God] Sore losers, yes. Prophets, no. "Exxon?" As in Exxon Mobil? Ah yes, my little chickadee. Next time the Devil and She-Devil threaten to dump their waste on us, we'll shove them into the Exxon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well said, Mike. [Devil] Don't push it! We still want Microsoft Sam's soul! [Voice of God] Not without conclusive proof of guilt, you greedy infernal soul-stealer! [Devil] Oh sphincter! NBA? Basketball. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Hey Mike, I didn't know you could laugh like Sam. When you've been around him as long as I have, you start to develop certain habits. Yeah, Mike, but if Sam and Scotty were here, Sam would say Scotty's I.Q. is P.U. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, I resent that! Scotty! Back so soon from the courthouse? How did the trial go? And where is Sam? I'll explain later. Right now, let's work on the intro. "MSN?" What a rude logo! All right! Jimmy, Hank, which one of you made the planet display MSN? Not me. Not me. Truth be told, Scotty, it was you who made the logo say MSN. I made it say what? MSN! MSN! Microsoft Anna! You watch your language! Take a deep breath, Anna. Relax. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! SCOTTY, I'M WARNING YOU! IF YOU PLAY ANOTHER CRUDE JOKE ON ME I'LL USE MY LASER EYE POWER TO SCAN YOUR HEAD OFF YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!!] Microsoft Anna! Are you okay? I'm all right. Sorry I blew a fuse. And I'm sorry for the joke I played on you. And how did the trial come out? Thanks to a plea bargain, the charge against me was dropped. However, Sam was convicted of lying about tantrums. Sam's guilty? How come? Sam, Ethan Bruce and I saw the testimony provided by alchemistmuffin proving tantrums did not cause energy bills to skyrocket. Thanks to the plea deal, none of us has to go to prison, but Sam has to perform 1,000 hours of community service. He got off without any jail time? Does this mean we'll see him soon? Well, yes and no. Ethan Bruce says that Sam is under suspension until he completes his community service. Well, let's continue trying to get the MST3K intro correct. Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed yet again. Youthinks right, Scotty. But don't take it so hard. We're only human. You're right, Mary. I'll try again. Not just yet, Scotty. It's getting late. We'll try again tomorrow. [Scotty] This is Radar Overseer Scotty with an explanation as to the outcome of Microsoft Sam's perjury trial. As I mentioned in this video, Sam was convicted on the evidence as presented by alchemistmuffin. To those who wonder why Sam did not get any jail time at all: Ethan Bruce and I admitted we can't argue against alchemistmuffin's video testimony, but we all agreed that, although tantrums are a form of emotional release, if the tantrum thrower is an adult, it, like smoking or alcohol, can lead to serious health problems. The key is moderation and self-control. Keep tuned to this channel for future MST3K Intro Bloopers videos. It's great to be back in charge of the MST3K intro. It's great to see you back, Sam. I've missed you. I've missed you too, Anna. Let's get this show on the road! Roll camera! Cue planet! "Whirlpool?" What is this? Well, Sam, we are using the Season 6 intro. But Scotty, I never was in the Army. No indeed, Sam, but they still say you're a 4-F! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ***! Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! I've got good news, Mary. What is it, Mike? We can save money on car insurance. Scotty? What did I tell you? Oops! Methinks I goofed! Gillette? I do not shave beards. Me, I go for some Colgate. Oh really? I shave off a beard myself. Et tu, Brute? Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! The Home Depot. New Herfee's home improvements warehouse. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaam? How many times do I have to tell you? NO COMMERCIAL PLUGS IN AN MST3K TV SHOW!! [Scotty] Up yours, Sam! Wikipedia. The free encyclopedia. The free what? Encyclopedia. I was there once myself. I'll bet you went to a University of Encyclopedia basketball game. How did you know? I got a Rick Pitino's autograph here. Hey Hank, you said "Encyclopedia" too. You had to be there to know how the locals say it. Encyclopedia. RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY!! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? The meaning of what? How to pronounce Encyclopedia? I DON'T CARE HOW YOU PRONOUNCE ENCYCLOPEDIA!! ONE MORE COMMERCIAL PLUG AND IT'S THE END!! [Scotty] Oh sphincter! That's it, Scotty! I warned you! Prepare to meet your doom! [Gunshots] Watch out, Scotty! Sam's got a gun! Run, Scotty! Run, run, run! Have mercy on him, Sam! Now who'll man the logo? Hank and I can handle it. [Anna] Okay. Let's get the logo. This is LG, life's good. We can examine how everything about the tantrums is gonna be free about the faster gun. [Gunshots] What's going on? Sounds like a gun battle outside our studio. I saw an armed Sam chasing Scotty outside. I hope he doesn't shoot him. Neither do I. I love Scotty too much. Sam knows that we in the studio detest violence. Just where is Sam anyway? Please, Ethan! Say it isn't true! I'm not a fan of capital punishment, but then again, I'm not the Mayor of ROFL City. Microsoft Sam, you have been found guilty as charged in the *** of Radar Overseer Scotty. But, Your Honor, it was in self-defense! Be silent! The jury rejected your claim of self-defense and you are justly sentenced to death. If you have any last words, say them now. I will be above Scotty in the afterlife. Much above him. By the power vested in me, I order this execution to proceed. [BOOM!!] How do you feel, Sam? Like a barbecued T-bone steak, what else? Now just relax, Sam. I'll take very good care of you. Tnank you, nurse, uh... What is your name? Well, you can call me... Mrs. Mephistopheles! [Diabolical laughter] [RoboSoft 3 narrating] Microsoft Sam, sentenced to death for killing Radar Overseer Scotty, suffered severe burns as a result of an unexpected short circuit, but survived the execution attempt. While in the hospital, Sam experienced a hallucination in which he saw the nurse transform into the She-Devil before his eyes. Everyone in ROFL City believes Scotty to be dead... ...but IS he? Meanwhile, back in the studio, Ethan Bruce, with the help of Microsoft Anna, is overseeing the MST3K intro. [Ethan Bruce] Okay, let's roll! Where's the Theater 3000? Still in the hive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Very funny! That's okay, Ethan. Let's see what comes up next. Jiminy Christmas! The Mystery Science has flown the coop! It went looking for the Theater 3000. Probably at the hive. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Panasonic? No thanks, we have Toshiba. Look, Michelle, it's Sharp. Sharp are free. I hear that in ROFL City, we got you all free in a Sharp parody. That's why they all roam free, Ethan! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now it's a BBB MST3K Planet. BBB guns I understand, but not a BBB MST3K Planet. It's what I used to deflect the bullets from Sam's gun. It's Radar Overseer Scotty! Scotty's alive? But it can't be! Scotty! You're back! I missed you! I missed you too, Beulah. This is uncanny! We heard Sam shot you to death. That's what the news reports all said. [Scotty narrating] The truth is, I played dead to make Sam think he really got rid of me. I had no idea the cops would get Sam on a *** charge. If Sam would only come back, tell him I'm sorry for causing him so much trouble. We'll do that, Scotty. A W-W-W MST3K planet? What does that mean? World War? Wild Whiskey? Weird Willie? Wolf Whistle? Do that to me, Sam, and I'll slap you! Microsoft Sam! In the flesh! This is unreal! We saw your execution. How could you still be alive! There was a short-circuit in the electric chair and I was treated in the hospital for severe burns. [Anna] I'm so glad you've come back, Sam! I missed you so much! [Sam] I missed you too. Uh, before we have any more romantic scenes, we've got an MST3K intro to do. Thanks, Ethan. Are you ready, Scotty? Ready, Sam. And I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. Apology accepted. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaam? Don't say "F-U" to me again! You hear me? Ah, it seems like the good times are back again. Irresistible impulse, Sam. I had to find a way to get back at you for trying to kill me. F-U! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Take it easy, Sam. You know it's only a game. Relax. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!! RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY, IF YOU MAKE ANY MORE RUDE PLANETS I'LL GIVE YOU A WEDGIE! YOU HEAR ME? *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!!! [BOOM!!!] Sam? Sam? Are you all right? Speak to me, Sam! I'm okay, Anna. I just can't help but throw tantrums over Scotty's behavior. [Anna] That's all right, Sam. You need to control your tantrums, or you might destroy yourself. [Sam] Thanks, Anna. Omega. What do you X-L Omega? Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again! Youthinks right, Scotty, but I won't hold that against you. I'm glad to see the two of you are finally getting along. It's almost noon. Let's break for lunch. [Anna] I'm in the mood for lunch too. Wanna go Dutch, Sam? [Sam] I feel like going Chinese myself. [Ethan Bruce] How about that French restaurant I saw Mike and Mary dine at the other night? [Scotty] That French restaurant? [Ethan Bruce] Yeah, Scotty. Chez Monyou. [Scotty] Oh sphincter! Quiet on the set! Roll camera! Cue planet! All right! Who's the wise guy futzing around with the planet? Microsoft Sam! You know I never futz around with planets! The planet is supposed to stop when the music ends, not fly away. In the words of Steve Martin: well excuuuuuuuuuuuuse meee! The logo stop up, the logo stop down. Maybe we can use it as an elevator. And we can call it "Otis." Otis the MST3K Planet! Ha, ha, ha! That's not funny, Ethan. Sorry, Sam. The MST3K Planet exits, stage left. Does it move to the right? Now cut that out! Watch where that planet lands! Whoever catches it wins a million bucks. Tonight: "Tales of the Runaway Shield." The MST3K planet doesn't know where to stop. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaam? Yes, I bellowed, Scotty! What did I tell you about futzing around with the MST3K planet? Sam, Sam, Sam! I'm not futzing around with the MST3K planet! Liar! You are too! [Scotty] I am not! [Sam] You are too! [Scotty] I am NOT! [Sam] You are TOO! [Scotty] I AM NOT! [Sam] YOU ARE TOO! All right, break it up! I've got this MST3K intro to run! Don't interfere with my authority, Ethan! YOUR authority!? This is MY video, capeesh? I get it, Ethan. But if Scotty keeps futzing around with the MST3K planet, he can look for employment elsewhere! Take it easy, Scotty. Don't let it bother you. Relax. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. No no no no no no no no dammit dammit dammit dammit! Microsoft Sam, you know I grew up in a broken home! I'm a citizen and a taxpayer and if you fire me I'll kill myself you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] Scotty! Are you all right? I'm okay, Beulah. It's just that I've got lofty ambitions and I don't like having guys like Microsoft Sam shoot them down. I'm sorry you feel that way, Scotty, but there are certain rules that we have to follow. Don't be too rough on him, Sam. Remember, that's what got you into legal trouble in the first place. Good advice, Ethan. Let's continue with the MST3K intro. [CRASH!] Eee-yowowowowowowowowowowww! What's the matter, Scotty? That *** MST3K planet landed on my foot! Eee-yowowowowowowowowowowww! Poor Scotty. He hurt his foot. We'll have to get him to the hospital. Oh sphincter! Now who's going to man the logo? Jimmy and I can handle it, Sam. You know, it's an amazing thing about what's going on with the planet in this video. Yeah, Mike. It went up, down, left side, right side, and all four corners. I wonder where the planet will go next. [Sam] Maybe straight at us? Oh noes! I shouldn't have said that! [CRASH!!] Now look what you did, Hank! What I did!? We worked the zoom together and the planet got away from us! Sam? Are you all right? Did you get the license of that truck? Oh great! Sam got low-bridged by the MST3K planet again. C'mon gang, help me pry the planet off of him. [Breaking glass] Look at the set, Michelle. It's falling apart. I agree, Michael. Time to get some Krazy Glue. Oh...where am I? You're going to be all right, Sam. That planet went out of control again and the intro version had fallen apart. Where's Scotty? He's in the hospital, Sam. He suffered a foot fracture when the planet landed on him. Lucky stiff. I feel like a pile-driver just pounded on my gut. We'll have to get you to the hospital too, Sam. I'm ready to try the intro again. [Ethan Bruce] Uh, not now, Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet. The intro version had fallen apart. Oh sphincter! [Ethan Bruce] We'll all have to take a few days off until we get the intro version repaired, Sam. [Sam] Owww! [Anna] You're right, Ethan. We'll have to take Sam to the hospital. [Mike] First Scotty gets injured by the planet, now Sam. When will it end? [Mary] I don't know, Mike. [Ethan Bruce] Chuck Jones must be turning over in his grave by now. [Anna] He could be laughing, Ethan. [Mary] Perhaps Sam and Scotty are sharing a room with Tom Servo and Gypsy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Mike] Oh sphincter! Quiet on the set! Roll camera! Cure the planet! How do you cure a planet? Do planets get sick? That was a slip of the tongue, Scotty. He meant to say "Cue the planet." Well, that's different. I wish I was in Nestle, away, away. In Nestle I'll take my stand to share the magic. Uh, Scotty? You called, Sam? Why did you put a Nestle caption up when this is supposed to be a Mystery Science Theater 3000 intro? I thought this was going to be a remake of "Crow and Venezuela." So did I, Scotty. It would be fun to see Nestle and Crow together again. I've been to Nestle myself. XD. The caption is laughing. XD! XD! XD! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Tropicana. Protecting civilians from drinks. Ha-ha! Very funny! "Tropicana." Got any more bright ideas, Scotty? [Scotty] I got a million of them, Sam. Outback Steakhouse. Outback, get them. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaam? Yes, I bellowed, Scotty! Do I have to show you what the planet's supposed to look like? Judas Priest, Sam! You make me feel like I'm in a second-grade classroom! Now look, Scotty. This is the logo that belongs here: the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet. I've got eyes, Sam! Quit acting like such an ***! [Sam] If you call me an *** one more time it's over! Capeesh? [Scotty] Sheesh! [Sam] And shush the sheesh! SCOTTY, YOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIRED! Fired!? FIRED!? Yes, fired! And this time, it's permanent! [Sam] Get out and STAY out! [CRASH!] Microsoft Sam! You re-hire Scotty right now! Never, Beulah, and that's final! And if I see you anywhere near that dime-a-dozen bum, you're dead! You hear me? D-E-A-D dead! Microsoft Sam! You know I detest violence in the studio! You bring Scotty back right now, or I'll report you to Mr. Best Brains! Capeesh? Ethan Bruce, you don't mean! I do mean. Aaagh! The horror! The horror! There, there, Sam. Ethan Bruce and I will bring Scotty back. Southwest Airlines. The nerve airplane of everything. Hello? Mr. Best Brains? Why won't you let me fire Scotty for messing up the MST3K intros? You don't mean! The horror! The horror! What did Mr. Best Brains say, Sam? He said if I kicked Scotty out, he'd nail me to the MST3K planet. What a grouch! Well, it takes one to know one, Sam! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh sphincter! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! What's the matter now, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam? "Scottyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" "Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam?" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You don't say "Mountain Dew" to your boss, Scotty! That's insubordination! Take it easy, Sam. You're over-reacting. I'll do what I *** well please, Ethan Bruce! I'm the boss here, and what I say goes! Since when do YOU take jurisdiction over ME in one of MY videos? Don't interfere, you ***! Oooh, what an insult! Microsoft Sam! Stop being such a control freak and leave Ethan Bruce alone! Okay, Beulah. I know who my boss is. But you're still forbidden to date Radar Overseer Scotty and that's final! Calm down, Beulah. Sam's just over-reacting again. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! MICROSOFT SAM, IF YOU PUNISH ME FOR DATING RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY I'LL TELL MR. BEST BRAINS ON YOU YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!!! [BOOM!!!] Beulah! Are you all right? I'm...okay, Scotty. I'm sorry I blew up over Sam's refusal to let me date you. A-ha! Caught you! Get out! You're both fired! Both of you! Out-out-out-out-out! Microsoft Sam, are you nuts? Re-hire them immediately, or I tell Mr. Best Brains on you! Never! And for their criminal insubordination, I'm calling the cops! This is all justified, you hear? Justified! Justified my ***! Re-hire them, or I tell Mr. Best Brains on you! Take it easy, Sam. This minor disagreement will pass. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! ETHAN BRUCE, I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS YOUR VIDEO AND I DON'T CARE WHAT MR. BEST BRAINS DOES TO ME! I WANT TO HAVE SOME AUTHORITY AROUND HERE AND I SAY STOP INTERFERING WITH WHAT I SAY IS JUSTIFIED YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!!! [BOOM!!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm okay, Anna. I wish Ethan Bruce would let me have my way with Scotty and Beulah for once. Don't get worked up over it, Sam. I'm sure Ethan knows what's best for us. Anna's right, Sam. The issue of Scotty and Beulah staying or going is nothing to throw tantrums over. Will you re-hire them, or shall I call Mr. Best Brains? Okay, Ethan, I know when I'm licked. Scotty and Beulah, you're re-hired. And this time, let's get this MST3K intro right. Roger-dodger! I thought it was "Roger Wilco." Whatever. Holiday Inn? That's one Holiday Inn of a picture. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. Youthinks right, Scotty, but let's try again. Hilton. We beat up the world for you. Hilton beating up the world? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [BUZZER] Holy Schneikees! Only five more minutes to go! We only have time for one more try. Well, here goes nothing! Well, we almost got it, but the caption "Theater 3000" should go above the Mystery Science caption byline. Righto, Sam. I'll get on it right away. Uh, not now, Scotty. It's clocking-out time. Let's pick it up there in the morning. [Beulah] Cheer up, Scotty. Even the best of them have their bad days. [Scotty] True, Beulah, but I keep thinking of what Sam would do to us if we keep screwing up the MST3K intro. [Sam] And I keep seeing myself being nailed to the MST3K planet by Mr. Best Brains. [Ethan Bruce] Maybe I can persuade him to not be so rough on you just because you keep fouling up the MST3K intro. [Anna] I just got off the phone with Mr. Best Brains. [Sam] What did he say? [Anna] He says he promises he won't nail you to the planet as punishment. [Sam] Whew! That's a relief. [Anna] He also promises it won't be any worse than tar and feathers. [Sam] Oh sphincter! Uh, Scotty? You called, Sam? Did the planet have a change of logo? Tscha! This is a Best Western. That explains it. Camel. Children of camels and native women. Camel. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. Coach. "Thou Art Dust and to Dust Thou Shalt Return." Smuckers. Our actors good, pictures bad. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Corona Extra. Anyone who works there must be a Corona Extra. Especially Microsoft Sam, since he owns the place. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam? You don't call your boss a Corona Extra! That's insubordination! Do that to me again and I'll give you a wedgie! Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! Take it easy, Scotty. Don't get upset. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! NO ONE HAS TO TELL ME TO SHUSH THE SHEESH IF I DON'T WANT TO! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T HAVE TO SHUSH THE SHEESH IF I DON'T WANT TO! SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH!! [BOOM!!] Scotty! Are you all right? I'm okay, Beulah. Now look what you did, Sam! You made Scotty throw a tantrum! Sorry, Ethan, but I just don't like being called a Corona Extra. Budweiser. "The Story of the First Thanksgiving." Budweiser, eh? Just like LH Michael. Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Control yourself, LH Michael. Take a deep breath. Relax. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, QUIT CALLING ME A BUDWEISER! I AM NOT A BUDWEISER YOU BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD!! [BOOM!!] LH Michael, are you all right? I'm okay, LH Michelle. I don't like being called bad names. My apologies, LH Michael. It was just a joke. And no one but Sam laughed. [Scotty] Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. [Sam] Youthinks right, Scotty. Stella Artois. This makes me. I'm all for going out when this video is over. How about that Stella Artois, huh? Sheesh! Shush the sheesh! YOU shush the sheesh! Look, Abby, there goes a Carlsberg. I wish I had one of those Carlsberg. Forget it. I hear they're so small that Beulah barely fit into one. Ain't that right, Fatso? I told you never to call me "Fatso" again! And I MEAN it! Never call me "Fatso" again! Take it easy, Sam. It was only a gut feeling. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! BEULAH, YOU'RE SUCH A *** *** TELLING ME NOT TO CALL YOU "FATSO!" NO ONE HAS TO TELL ME WHAT NOT TO SAY! YOU HEAR ME? FATSO FATSO FATSO FATSO FATSO FATSO FATSO FATSO! [BOOM!!] Sam, I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I just don't like being called "Fatso." Beulah's right, Sam. You really need to control your habit of calling people names every time you get upset. I see your point, Anna. But you know the old saying: "Old Habits Die Hard." [Devil] You're not just whistling "Dixie," Microsoft Sam! [ViD theme] Holy Schneikees! It's that infernal Devil and that equally infernal She-Devil! [She-Devil] Why do you always say that whenever we show up? [Devil] The very idea, saying the word "holy" in front of unholy beings like us! [She-Devil] And where did you get the Schneikees from? For your information, Mr. and Mrs. Mephistopheles, I got the expression "Holy Schneikees" from ESPN reporter John Buccigross. So THAT'S where he got it from. [Devil] Never mind that. We've come for your souls. ALL of them. [She-Devil] And if God interferes, we will *** all over you. That's disgusting! I agree. Every time you relieve yourselves on us, you make us throw up. And that shows how sick you two really are. So get out of here, or as Jesus put it: "Get thee behind me, Satan!" [Devil] How dare you mention that name in front of us! That's scandalous! Shall we let them have it? [She-Devil] Let's do it! Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! Not again! Eeewww! Eeeeeeeeewwwwww! [Sam barfing] You filthy animals! Eeewww! Eeeeeeeeewwwwww! [Mike barfing] This isn't a rest area! Eeewww! Eeeeeeeeewwwwww! [Mary barfing] You'll get yours one of these days! Eeewww! Eeeeeeeeewwwwww! [Anna barfing] Caught you in the act, Devil and She-Devil! Take that! [BOOM!!] [CRASH!!] I warned those netherworld no-goodniks! And thank God that Sam, Mike, Mary and Anna are clean again. You're welcome, Ethan Bruce. Guinness. Somebody get us some ***. Sam needs a truckload of ***. He's a chronic E-D sufferer. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! I DO NOT HAVE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T HAVE GUINNESS SO STOP SAYING THAT I DO YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm okay, Anna. Scotty just needs to stop making crude jokes about my sex life. That's all right, Sam. Just relax and you'll be okay. You're right, Anna. I don't have Guinness... ...but Microsoft Mike does! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Calm down, Mike. Sam doesn't mean it. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on now. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! MICROSOFT SAM, I DON'T HAVE GUINNESS AND I'M NOT AN *** SO STOP SAYING I'M AN *** WITH GUINNESS YOU SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH!! [BOOM!!] Scotty! What do you have to say for yourself? Tscha! That wasn't my idea! Then who had the nerve to insult us? It was MY idea to display that message. Your idea? Not Scotty's? That's right. Because you two are always full of BS! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Well, Mike started it! He's an ***! It was Sam's idea! You sonofabitch! [Sam] ***! [Mike] Sonofabitch! [Sam] ***! [Mike] Sonofabitch! [Sam] ***! [Mike] Sonofabitch! [Sam] ***! [Mike] Sonofabitch! [Anna] While Sam and Mike are arguing, Mary, let's go on a shopping trip. I've got the Logo-Mobile up and running. [Mary] I know some really expensive items that we can buy. I have Mike's credit card with me. [Anna] And I have Sam's card. Are you ready? [Mary] Let's go, Anna! Shopping spree, here we come! Places everyone! Roll camera! Shuck the jive! Shuck the jive? It's just an expression, Scotty. I'm not familiar with that one. Let's just get this intro started. Roger Wilco! Uh, Scotty? What's up, Doc? I'm not a doctor and you're not Bugs Bunny. The logo is supposed to display "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not "Looney Tunes." Get it right! They're playing my song again. You always say that when the Merrie Melodies caption appears. I can't help it. It's one of my habits. Scotty's having one of those days again. Scotty IS one of those days! Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Sheesh! Shush the sheesh! Take it easy, Scotty. Don't get upset. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! WHO'S TO TELL ME TO SHUSH THE SHEESH IF I DON'T WANT TO? SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH SHEESH!! [BOOM!!] Scotty! What happened to you? He really blew his head off! That's the first time someone's head exploded during a tantrum in my video. We'll have to get Scotty to the hospital to see if we can get him a head transplant. Then who'll man the logo? Hank and I will do it. Then do it! As good as done. Blockbuster, the call service of a station in Detroit, Michigan. Also the last services of the world. Not Blockbuster, Mystery Science Theater 3000. Get it right! Marlboro? What's Marlboro? It's long associated history in the sponsorship of motorsport. No commercial plugs in an MST3K TV show! Sorry about that, Sam. We just have a vintage logo fetish. Calvin Klein. God's way of keeping everything from happening at once. What rehires with the magazine name? Bring me the MST3K planet! We don't know where that came from, Sam. But we know where it's going. If they don't give me the proper logo, I'll show them where they're going. Guess. All the news that's fit to print. Is this a studio or a newsroom? JIMMY AND HANK!! You bellowed, Sam? Yes, I bellowed! Why do you two keep bringing in names of commercials when this is supposed to be Mystery Science Theater 3000? Don't blow a gasket, Sam. Jimmy and I can't help it if we have a nose for news. If you two don't stop it, I'll make some news with you two *** all right! Sam, leave Jimmy and Hank alone! You know they're trying their very best. Stay out of this, you ***! Stay calm, Mary. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on. EEE-YOW-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W! MICROSOFT SAM, STOP CALLING ME A ***! YOU HEAR ME? STOP CALLING ME A *** YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Mary, are you all right? I'm okay, Anna. I just get so pissed off at Sam for calling me a ***. I'm sorry, Mary, but it's just my nature. Oh noes! That infernal 1997 Bravo logo from the UK is back! That's right, Microsoft Sam. And this time, I've come for your soul! You can't have it, Bravo UK logo! Jesus is Lord! Jesus is Lord! Stop mentioning that name to me! I'm here on orders of the Devil and She-Devil, since Ethan Bruce banned them from appearing in this video. They say you're guilty beyond all doubt of unforgivable sins and I MUST take your soul to Satan's Kingdom! You'll never take me alive! Never! If you want Sam, you'll have to get through me first! Don't make me *** all over you! Don't you dare get filthy on us! Take that! [BOOM!!] Thanks, Anna. You've saved my life again. You're welcome, Sam. Bravo, the US version. Two Bravo networks in one day? That UK Bravo network went out of business. It was their ghost that I sent back. Just like Abby's dinner at Chez Monyou. It was so full of bugs she sent it back! Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Take it easy, Abby. Don't get upset. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, THOSE WEREN'T BUGS IN MY FOOD! THEY WERE RAISINS! YOU SPRAYED THEM WITH RAID AND MADE ME PUKE YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Are you all right, Abby? I'm okay, Ethan. I'm sure Sam didn't mean what he said. I'm sorry, Abby. It was just a gut feeling. In the future, Sam, think twice before making people throw tantrums. The Tantrum Control Task Force is very concerned with the ever-mounting tantrum pandemic. Tantrum pandemic? That's right. I'm the founder and president of the Tantrum Control Task Force, an organization dedicated to combat excessive tantrums throughout the world. Correct, Ethan. Excessive tantrums are not only bad for grown-up people, but they can also lead to serious health problems. Are you doing a public service announcement in an MST3K intro blooper video, Ethan? Sam, this is MY video, remember? I get it, Ethan, but aren't you risking trouble with the Tantrum Alliance? I've heard of them. The Tantrum Alliance is dedicated to seeing to it that as many excessive tantrums as possible occur. They must be a threat. Indeed they are. So if you're concerned about the tantrum pandemic, just write to: Now that's an organization I'd want to be involved with. Scotty! You're back! And they restored your head! It wasn't too hard. They just drew a new one on. How about continuing with the MST3K intro? Sure thing, Sam. Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. Youthinks right, Scotty. Cheetos. So much to see this logo provokes one of cheese. What did I tell you about commercial plugs? Ease up on them, Sam. It's been a very trying day. I agree. Let's break for lunch. Places, everyone! Roll camera! Spare no expense! Did I hear someone say "spare no expense?" It's just an expression, Scotty. Okay, I'll run the logo. Mystery Science Wareater 3000? Who are the Mystery Science Wareater 3000? That reminds me of the late Chief Justice Earl Warren. I didn't know he had any brothers. Not "Mystery Science Wareater 3000," "Mystery Science Theater 3000." Mystery Science Wereater 3000? Maybe they were rocket scientists, like Dr. Wernher von Braun! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! SCOTTYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaam? Yes, I bellowed, Scotty! It's Theater, not Wereater! T-H-E-A-T-E-R! Picky, picky, picky. Mystery Science Wieneater 3000. I guess Oscar Mayer has stiff competition. Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener. No commercial plugs in an MST3K intro, Hank. In the words of Steve Martin: well excuuuuuuuuse meee! That joke is so old, they told it to Moses. Don't step on my lines, Ethan! It's MY video, Sam! Mystery Science Winner 3000. They never lose because they're always winners. However, Germany was sunken of this tornament. SCOTTY! YO-O-O-O-O-O-O-OU'RE FIRED!! Fired!? FIRED!? That's right, fired! I've had it with you! [Sam] Out you go! [CRASH!] [Sam] And don't come back! Now you've done it, Sam! Bring Scotty back! Never! And that's final! Okay, Sam. If that's the way you want it... [CRASH!] [Ethan Bruce] Microsoft Sam, you're FIRED! Jimmy, you man the logo. Will do, Ethan. And Hank, bring Scotty back. As good as done. Mystery Science Winter 3000? As opposed to the Summer Planets? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mystery Science Wonater 3000. I buy my bread from them. They must really be in the dough! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mystery Science Wanater 3000. Sounds like the name of a travel agency. Anywhere I roam, where I lay my head is home. Wherever I may roam. Mystery Science Warring 3000? Sounds like a sibling rivalry. Or a "sible war." Welcome back, Scotty. We've missed you. I've missed you too, Scotty. I love you. I love you too, Beulah. Aha! Scotty, I thought I fired you. What are you doing back here? Microsoft Sam! I thought I fired you! What are YOU doing back here? Ethan Bruce, you had no right to throw me out of here and bring Scotty back! I did so! This is MY video, and I have jurisdiction over you! That's what you think! Officer Flanigan? Yes, Sam? Arrest Radar Overseer Scotty. I'm charging him with mutiny. You can't override Ethan Bruce's authority, Microsoft Sam! I'm innocent! Innocent my ***! You're guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty! And Officer, have Ethan Bruce ejected at once! Your wish is my command, Microsoft Sam! [Ethan Bruce] You can't do this to me! Noooooooooooooo... [CRASH!] [Ethan Bruce] You can't throw me out of my own video! You'll be sorry! No, I won't! I've assumed legal control in this studio and I say hang Radar Overseer Scotty at once! Get the rope! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. Youthinks right, Scotty. Let's try again. Mystery Science Wedgie 3000? They must have skidmarks on their underwear. P.U. Ethan, I just got a call from Sam in the hospital. He says he's sorry for having you thrown out. What else did he say? He also told me to give you something. Come closer. You have something for me? What is it? It's, uh... ...it's a wedgie. [RRRRRRRRIIPPPPP!!!] [Ethan Bruce] Ooh! Aaagggghh! Ohhhh! Oh... Oh, Abby. [Abby] You don't mind my giving you one, do you? [Ethan Bruce] Aside from the fact that I'm gonna be sterile for a couple of weeks, I like it better when you give it to me. [Anna] I would love to give one to Sam someday. [Beulah] And I would love to give it to Scotty. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Scotty] Oh sphincter! Places, everyone! Quiet on the set! What if I don't want to be quiet on the set? Then I'll get someone else to man the logo. Do you want me to throw a tantrum over it? Do you want me to give you a wedgie? Do you want me to tell Mr. Best Brains on you? Touche, Sam! "Touche?" Porsche, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds... to seek out new life and new civilizations... and to boldly go where no one has gone before! This isn't Porsche; this is Mystery Science Theater 3000. I find that highly illogical. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ferrari. They serve fun at Ferrari's. Also car. What did I tell you about commercial plugs in an MST3K intro? Would you rather go to Chez Monyou? One more commercial plug and I'll send you to the House of Pain! Oh sphincter! Listerine. As opposed to Oral B? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaam? Does Skechers ever show Mystery Science Theater 3000? TV's Frank and Dr. Forrester are wearing one of these shoes. I love your dress, you love my hat, we tawt we taw a puddy tat! Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Quit stealing my lines, Ethan! Microsoft Sam, you're despicable! Now look, Scotty. Like I told you, this is the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet. I've got eyes, Sam! You're always being such an ***! Take it easy, Sam. You have to allow a little levity once in a while. Relax. Uh-oh! Tantrum in five, four, three, two, one... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!! RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY, STOP CALLING ME AN ***! I AM NOT AN *** YOU SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH!! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm all right, Anna. Sorry I blew a fuse again. You know Scotty likes to mess with your head once in a while. I agree, but he should know better than to screw up the MST3K intro. [NBC Chimes] No pets allowed on the premises. It's only the NBC Snake, Sam. Next, they'll say "Brought to you in Living---" Don't encourage them! What a revolting development this is. Why get so hyper? Don't you like programs that are brought to you in Living Color? [Announcer (Mel Brandt)] Brought to you in Living Color. NOW CUT THAT OUT!! Poor Microsoft Sam, still hotheaded. I guess I'll have to haul out the heavy artillery. Nice try, Scotty, but you can't scare me with the Viacom V of Doom anymore. Not with the Screen Gems S from Hell either. Nor with the B Backwards-N D Mask of Guo Xiang. You're not even scared by the Klasky- Csupo Robot? Not even by the Klasky-Csupo Robot, Scotty. Let's face it, Scotty. None of those scary logos scares me anymore. Well, what on earth DOES scare you? [Devil] Does THIS answer your question, Radar Overseer Scotty? [ViD Theme] Eek! It's the Devil and the She-Devil again! Lord God, have mercy on us! Please! [She-Devil] Stop mentioning the Almighty in front of us! It makes our tails grow limp! [Devil] We have a bone to pick with Microsoft Sam and his friends! I don't have a dog, Mr. and Mrs. Mephistopheles, and you two hell-hounds beat it! You heard him! You're always barging in here, claiming Microsoft Sam and his friends committed some unspeakable wrong which you never bother to mention because you keep whining about it being a violation of the rules of your realm and acting like your laws are above God's laws! That proves how evil you really are! Oh, Ethan Bruce! You never run out of flattery, do you? We're not after your souls this time. We just have to ask one question: Why did you re-elect Barack Obama President of the United States instead of Mitt Romney? It's because American voters were sick of the Tea Party. Romney wanted to get rid of the Affordable Care Act, but had nothing to replace it with. And the influence of urban voters was stronger than that of rural voters. And that undid your master plan, so GET LOST! You heard him, hellions! Get lost! Not so fast! We claim Microsoft Sam and his friends have committed gross insubordination against us and You unlawfully interfered! The insubordination charge stems from the fact that we already claimed their souls before You did and their spurning of Romney for Obama proves it! And we have assembled a jury. Viacom V of Doom, how do you find Sam and his friends? Guilty. Screen Gems S from Hell? Guilty. B Backwards-N D Mask of Gio Xiang? Guilty. Klasky-Csupo Robot? Guilty. 1997 British Bravo logo? Guilty. It's a unanimous verdict: guilty as charged of insubordination. This is an outrage! I hereby appeal the verdict to the Lord God Almighty! [She-Devil] We will have the appeal denied immediately! [Devil] And now for the sentence... You will now be *** on! Five, four, three, two--- [THUNDER!!] Ethan Bruce's appeal has been heard and the conviction and sentence overturned! Scandalous! Not scandalous! No law of any realm overrides My Authority! Not even a law of your infernal realm! Take that! [BOOM!!] [Devil] You win this time, but we'll be back! [She-Devil] And one day, we will organize a massive army and overthrow Your Authority! [God] Sore losers, yes. Prophets, no! [Devil & She-Devil] Oh sphincter! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. Youthinks right, Scotty. Let's try again. They're playing my--- Don't say it, Mary! Don't interrupt her, Sam! You tell him, Ethan! That's all folks? It must be getting late. I agree. Ditto. Since it's closing time here, we should go out to eat. Wanna go Dutch? I feel like Mexican. Or maybe Chinese. I was thinking of that French restaurant. What French restaurant? Oh, you know... Oh sphincter! All right! It's Christmastime! Let's get this party started! OnCEU Lab has his own movie company? A division of North Pole Enterprises. This week's feature sponsored by Gingerbread House. Show me Santa's helpers, and I'll show you subordinate Clauses! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! 40? I thought it was Santa Claus. He's known as Father Christmas in some parts of the world. Father Christmas and Mother New Year! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! WhatsUp Christmas. I'd love to Kringle Dave at Christmas. Oh, Abby! Can't you wait till after this party's over? You know I love you, Ethan. I love you too, Abby. CompuNet. Another name for Santa Claus. AA BB CC DD EE FF GG HH II JJ KK MM NN OO PP QQ RR SS TT UU VV WW XX YY ZZ. What's that supposed to mean? No L, no L! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Little Elf? Next thing you know, we'll have Yukon Cornelius. Hi gang! Remember me? Guy, my twin brother! Is it really you? Yes, Scotty, it's me. How have you guys taken care of things in the studio? About the same as usual--- MST3K Intro Bloopers and Funny Signs videos. Guy? The old Planet Guy? In the flesh, Sam. My brother Scotty invited me to this party. I've missed the gang since you fired me. No hard feelings, Guy. After all, it is Christmas. Look, Mary. Pro Pacific Pest Control. You know what that means, Mike. [Mike and Mary kissing] [Anna and Sam kissing] [Beulah and Scotty kissing] [Abby and Ethan Bruce kissing] [Marley's Ghost] Ebenezer Scrooge! Atta boy, Marley's Ghost! Show Scrooge the error of his ways! I wanna see the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Fuchsia. Past, Present and Fuchsia? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Just kidding. I meant to say "Past, Present and Future." Beverley Festival of Christmas, December 2017. A Nanook production. [Mike] Merry Christmas, Mary. [Mary] Merry Christmas, Mike. [Anna] Merry Christmas, Sam. [Sam] Merry Christmas, Anna. [Beulah] Merry Christmas, Scotty. [Scotty] Merry Christmas, Beulah. [Abby] Merry Christmas, Ethan. [Ethan Bruce] Merry Christmas, Abby. And a Merry Christmas to all from Ethan Bruce Films Inc. Places everyone! Roll camera! That's a bit of a heavy job, isn't it? What's a bit of a heavy job? Rolling a camera! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Rolling in the deep. How do you copy? On a Champion machine. You? I'd shave a living cell from my skin first. Speedo? Do you BM too? Usually in the toilet. Sick! Gross! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Crest. My dear Rookstone. It's a store right out of history. Marcsie is everywhere. In the known Universe! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam? It's wearing thin, you two. What's wearing thin? You saying "Scottyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" and Scotty replying "You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam?" It's also very annoyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! And so are you, Ethan! Consider the source, Sam! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Take it easy, Sam. Don't let it bother you. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! ETHAN BRUCE, I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS YOUR VIDEO! STOP TRYING TO OVERREACH YOUR AUTHORITY YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm all right, Anna. What right has Ethan to interfere with my right to impose authority? Just be cool, Sam. Just be cool. Quiksilver. No, Mike, not "Quik" - "Quack." They bring good things to life. What did I tell you? NO COMMERCIAL PLUGS IN AN MST3K TV SHOW!! Take it easy, Sam. Stay out of this, you reprobate! I am not a reprobate! You are too! Reprobate reprobate reprobate reprobate reprobate! Stay cool, Guy. Sam doesn't mean it. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!! MICROSOFT SAM, I AM NOT A REPROBATE! YOU HEAR ME? I AM NOT A REPROBATE YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Welcome to the "I Threw a Tantrum in an MST3K Intro Bloopers Video Club," Guy. Sorry I blew up, but nobody calls me a reprobate and lives. Look, Abby, it's a K-Swiss. What's a K-Swiss? It's a greeting card for someone named Tachi. No, Michael, it's a kind of barbecue grill. K-Swiss. A Japanese electronics firm. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Not again, Sam! I'm sick and tired of your yelling "Scottyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" all the time! Stay out of this, Ethan! He's MY responsibility! And this video is MY responsibility, Sam! Will you two please stop bickering? You're making it harder to concentrate on trying to get this MST3K intro done correctly. DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO BRING COMMERCIAL PLUGS INTO AN MST3K TV SHOW?! Ease up on them, Sam! Shut up, you ***! Stop calling him an ***, you sonofabitch! Scotty and I are only human. I don't care which one of you keeps *** up the intros, but I've had it with the both of you! Scotty and Guy, yoooooooooou're fired! Fired!? Fired!? That's right, fired! Get out! Both of you! Out out out out out! Sam, Sam, Sam! How many times must you keep firing people against my wishes? Ethan, Ethan, Ethan! How many times must you keep interfering with what I feel like it's justified? Justified my ***! You bring Scotty and Guy back here right now! Never! This time it's forever! And if you tell Mr. Best Brains on me, I'm going to kill you! You don't kill Mr. Best Brains or you'll be guilty of ***! I don't care! I need to have my rights respected, so don't tell Mr. Best Brains on me, you ***! I'm not an ***, you sonofabitch! You are too an ***! Admit it! Don't call me an *** again, you sonofabitch! *** *** *** *** ***! Sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch! *** *** *** *** ***! Sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch! [ViD Theme] [Devil] Do you see what I see? [She-Devil] Microsoft Sam and Ethan Bruce fighting. Not the Devil and She-Devil again! Grab the nearest cross you can find! [Devil] Relax, you two. It's Sam and Ethan's fighting that fascinates us. [She-Devil] We love a good power struggle. Look here, Mr. and Mrs. Mephistopheles! Sam started it by firing Scotty and Guy against my wishes! He defied my authority! Oh yeah, Ethan? What did I tell you about overstepping the bounds of your authority? Keep it up, you two! We love it! All the easier to claim your souls for all eternity. You leave Microsoft Sam alone! He's mine! And don't you harm a hair of your head! Would we, my pretties? You two would make nice additions to our soul collection. Ethan, I'm sorry for calling you an ***. I didn't mean it. I'll re-hire Scotty and Guy if you want me to. Apology accepted, Sam. Too late! You belong to us! Surrender while you can, or else we'll *** all over you! Don't you dare get filthy with any of us! Take that! Ha! Feeble powers you have! Let's see how you handle this! [BOOM!!] Holy Schneikees, Ethan! Did you see what the She-Devil just did to Anna? I never thought I'd see the day when Anna is beaten at her own game. [She-Devil] Her own powers can't cope with those of pure evil. [Devil] And now, prepare to be *** on! [THUNDER!!] You'll do nothing of the kind, Devil and She-Devil! And look what you did to Anna! What we did to her is not of your concern! Begone! You heard him! Get lost, or we *** all over you! Unacceptable! Now you're gonna get it! Take that! [BOOM!!] [LOUD CRASH!] Anna? Are you all right? Don't worry, Sam. I'm okay. I had no idea that the She-Devil had stronger powers than I do. Well, God saved us all and that's important. Amen to that! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed. Youthinks right, Scotty. You've done it again, Scotty. Rings within rings. I love it! Rings within rings? Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Nice scheme, but I think we should take the rest of the day off. It's been a trying day. [Anna] That's a good idea, Ethan. [Mary] I'm all for going out to lunch. [Mike] And later to the jewelry store, perhaps? [Abby] Good idea. I'd like to see something in a pearl necklace. [Ethan Bruce] Or better yet, a string of paloppanies. [Sam] POOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO POOOOOOOOOOOONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIES!! Places, everybody! This is a take! If this is a take, what's a give? Good question. Where's Sam? He's usually the first one to appear in these videos. He's in Mr. Best Brains's office right now, pleading not to get a beating for these MST3K bloopers. Anyway, let's get started. Roll camera! Cue the planet! "Myssssssssssssssssssssstery Science Theater 3000?" Whoever's in charge of the captions loves S's. I'll bet the "S" on the computer keyboard got stuck. Next thing you know, it would say "Mystery Science Theaterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 3000!" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Ethan, why do you keep stealing my laugh line? You don't own it, Sam. Good to see you back, Sam. Did Mr. Best Brains berate you again? No, Anna. Apparently Mr. Best Brains thinks these bloopers are funny. I knew he'd see things our way. Just get to work! Yessir. Mystery Mystery Mystery Mystery Mystery Science Theater 3000. Twenty Mysteries are better than one. Mystery Science Theater Theater Theater Theater Theater 3000. All theaters, all the time. Top Ten time! What's your request? Just the proper captions after the planet. And now, the Number One song! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaam? I said the PROPER captions! After the MST3K planet, it should display "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not just a bunch of M's! Just what the "M" is going on here? If you keep *** things up, I'll be sending you to "Hell" all right! [Devil] Did I hear someone saying they'll be sending someone to Hell? [ViD Theme] Oh no! Not the Devil and She-Devil again! Lord God have mercy! [She-Devil] Relax, you two. We haven't come for you. [Devil] We heard Sam say he'd be sending Scotty and Guy to Hell. We accept. Give them to us. Now. Hold on there, Mr. and Mrs. Mephistopheles! I was only threatening to send them to Hell if they kept screwing up the MST3K intros. You infernal monsters always pick the darnedest times to meddle in our affairs, don't you? Oh, Ethan! Always with the flattery! I love your style. Your temptations are too dangerous, She-Devil! I've got a good mind to tell the Almighty on you! If you do that, we'll *** all over your friends! That sickening act will never go unpunished. [She-Devil] Go away! [Devil] You heard her! Don't meddle in our affairs! I'm warning you two! If you relieve yourselves on Sam and his friends, God will get you good for it! [Devil] Scandalous, and nothing else but scandalous! Shall we let them have it? [She-Devil] Let's do it! Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! You dirty imps! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] I second that reaction! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] You'll pay for this! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Stop using us for toilets! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Caught you in the act of soiling Sam and his friends again, Devil and She-Devil! Take that! [BOOM!!] [LOUD CRASH!!] [Devil] Curses! Banished again! [She-Devil] One day we will own Sam and his friends! [God] Sore losers, yes. Prophets, no. Sam and his friends are all cleaned up now. You may resume your video. Thank God! You're welcome. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! What's up now, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaam? YOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIRED! Fired!? FIRED!? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, YOU'VE GOT YOUR NERVE FIRING ME AFTER WHAT WE JUST WENT THROUGH WITH THE DEVIL AND SHE-DEVIL! IF YOU DON'T RE-HIRE ME I'LL KILL MYSELF YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] I don't care! You're still fired! Get out before I call the cops! Out out out out out! Microsoft Sam, are you nuts? Bring Scotty back here right now! Never! And that's final! And if any of you makes a move to bring Scotty back, I'll have you hanged for mutiny! I mean it, Fatso! Mutiny my ***! When I say bring Scotty back, I mean it! And stop calling me "Fatso!" [CRASH!] That's it! Get the rope! YOU will do nothing of the kind, Sam! Apologize to Beulah for calling her "Fatso" and bring Scotty back or you're getting a wedgie! You don't tell me what to do here! That's insubordination! This is MY studio now! Oh no it isn't! It's not Microsoft Sam Films Inc., it's Ethan Bruce Films Inc. Like hell it is! I should have let the Devil and She-Devil *** all over you when they did it to me, Mike, Mary and Anna! Sam, either you bring Scotty back and apologize to Beulah, or I'll call Mr. Best Brains right now and have you impaled on the MST3K planet! No more of this ***! I mean it, Ethan! YOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIRED! You can't fire me! I'm in charge of this video! Screw you, Ethan! Get the rope! I'm hanging you, Scotty and Beulah for mutiny right now!! Mystery Science? Department of Repetitive Redundancy Department. Theater 3000. Better than Mystery Science Theater 3000 in black and white. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We're getting there, but we should put the "Theater 3000" up before getting to the "Mystery Science." Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed yet again. Youthinks right, Scotty. Oh fudge! Not again! I know I should be punished. Give me a wedgie or something. Forget it, Scotty, it's a forgivable error. "That's all Folks" should come at the end of the television and not the beginning. I agree, but let's break for lunch before we try again. [Anna] Don't worry, Sam. We all make mistakes. [Sam] I guess you're right, Anna, but I'm afraid of what Mr. Best Brains's gonna do to me. [Mike] It's all taken care of. Mr. Best Brains loves these bloopers. [Mary] He has an annual blooper reel himself and he wants to include our bloopers in it. [Sam] Yeah, but after those extensive repairs, I'm financially in dire straits. [Ethan] We'll take care of that too, Sam. Right now, let' s all go out to eat. The tab's on me. [Scotty] Where are we eating, Ethan? [Ethan] Where else? Chez Monyou! [Scotty] Oh sphincter! Places everyone! Roll camera! Cue the planet! Uh, Scotty? Yeah, Sam? Are you futzing around with the planet again? I'm not futzing around with anything! Liar! Are you two at it again? Well, Scotty started it! I did not! You did too! [Scotty] Did not! [Sam] Did too! [Scotty] Did NOT! [Sam] Did TOO! [Scotty] DID NOT! [Sam] DID TOO! Gentlemen, gentlemen... [Scotty] Did not! [Sam] Did too! [Scotty] Did NOT! [Sam] Did TOO! [Scotty] DID NOT! [Sam] DID TOO! Gentlemen, gentlemen! [Scotty] Did not! [Sam] Did too! [Scotty] Did NOT! [Sam] Did TOO! [Scotty] DID NOT! [Sam] DID TOO! CHILDREN, CHILDREN! You tell them, Ethan! Stay out of this, you ***! Take it easy, Mike. Sam doesn't mean it. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on now. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! MICROSOFT SAM, STOP CALLING ME AN ***! I AM NOT AN ***, YOU HEAR ME? STOP CALLING ME AN *** YOU SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH!! [BOOM!!] Are you all right, Mike? I'm okay, Mary. I just get so pissed off at Sam's calling me an ***. Forgive Mike for his chronic inability to face facts. And forgive Sam for getting his facts mixed up. Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! Real Player? It may be that Verizon radio to listen to some matches. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaam? Not "Real Player," "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" Theater 3000 as in Butthead! I am not a Butthead! Safari logo? I didn't know we were making *** flicks all of a sudden. There's no flick like a dirty flick, especially when filmed in the bathroom. That's what *** flicks really are: a load of crap! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Stop it! You're making me sick! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Vaseline? That's what I say. What the logo is going on here? You took the words right out of my mouth, LH Michelle. I can't help it if the planet has a mind of its own, Sam. It's not the planet that's at fault, Scotty, it's you. Start packing. You're fired. I mean it this time. Pack up and leave, or I call the cops and charge you with mutiny. Take it easy, Scotty. Control yourself. Relax. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, YOU KNOW DAMN WELL MY VALUE TO THIS STUDIO! I'VE GOT A FAMILY TO SUPPORT AND IF YOU DON'T RE-HIRE ME I'LL KILL MYSELF YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] No problem, Scotty. I'll re-hire you if I can find a way to stop Sam from illegally hanging you. No interference, Ethan! I mean it! Oh sphincter! Now who'll man the logo? Don't sweat it, Ethan. Jimmy and I can handle it. Anyone's better than that dime-a-dozen bum. I'm not a dime-a-dozen bum! Get out! Now! I can take a hint. I know when I'm not wanted. Goodbye forever. Uh, Sam? What's the matter, Ethan? Sam, the election's over. And besides, you can't win because you may have driven Scotty to suicide. I found this note Scotty left here. What does it say? "Dear Sam, I'm going home to hang myself and you're to blame for my suicide. Goodbye forever. Signed, Radar Overseer Scotty." Holy Schneikees! It IS a suicide note! Take it easy, Sam. It was only a firing, not a death sentence. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! YOU KNOW I HAD JUST CAUSE IN FIRING SCOTTY AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'LL ACCEPT BLAME IF HE KILLS HIMSELF BECAUSE IT'S JUSTIFIED, YOU HEAR ME? JUSTIFIED JUSTIFIED JUSTIFIED JUSTIFIED JUSTIFIED JUSTIFIED JUSTIFIED JUSTIFIED!! [BOOM!!] [Chris Tarrant] Oh, bad luck! You're wrong! You've lost on the very first question! I'm sorry you go home with nothing! [Sam] No, no, no, no, no! I want to be a millionaire! Give me my money! [Chris Tarrant] No! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! [Ethan Bruce] Okay Chris, give me on the Sam the silent treatment. [Chris Tarrant] What happened there? If you're not sure of the answer, then use your lifelines. Pantene Pro V? They use heavy-duty film. And Beulah should be the star. She's got the wide load for it! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Take it easy, Beulah. Sam doesn't mean it. Relax. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT MY WEIGHT! DO YOU HEAR ME? STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT MY WEIGHT YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Beulah? Are you all right? I'm okay, Abby. I just get pissed off by Sam's jokes about my weight. I'm sorry, Beulah. I promise never to make jokes about your weight again. I accept your apology, Sam. I wonder where Scotty is. I'll help you look for him. "Dell?" Sorry, we're all fresh out! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! One of these days, Mike... HP. Made for computers. That's a big ten-four, good buddy. Kleenex logo? I'm sure glad I'm not one, although occasionally I can really be a ***. But not even close to Mary. She was born a ***! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Stay calm, Mary. Relax. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on. EEE-YOW-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W! MICROSOFT SAM, DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME A *** AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME? DON'T EVER CALL ME A *** AGAIN YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Mary, are you all right? I'm all right, Anna. I just wish Sam never called me a *** in the first place. I'm sorry, Mary, but old habits die hard. Just like these bloopers. We keep getting bloopers no matter how hard we try to get it right. Need a little help? Scotty! You're back! I'm sorry for firing you in the first place. I'm so glad you didn't kill yourself. I just didn't have the heart to get the rope. Before you two get romantic, we have an MST3K intro to do. Roger Wilco! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again! Youthinks right, Scotty, but let's take the rest of the day off. I'm one step ahead of you, Sam. Whatta you say we go out to eat? I feel like going all out this time. Where are we eating, Ethan? Where else? [Sam] Oh sphincter! Places everyone! Roll camera! Cue the planet! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaam? This is the earliest juncture in an MST3K Intro Bloopers video I've ever heard Sam scream at Scotty. I said cue the planet! The planet! The planet! Gonna lay down my sword and planet. Down by the riverside. I ain't gonna study war no more. I want the planet, Scotty, or else I'll declare war on you! I hate war! Then I'll give you a wedgie. Wedgies suck, Sam. Then I'll FIRE you! And I'll re-hire you and give Sam a wedgie. And I'll throw a tantrum because Ethan Bruce keeps interfering with what I say is justified. To which I'd reply: "Justified my ***!" You tell him, Ethan! ...and Scotty, Ethan and all who defy me will be hanged for mutiny. Listen to Sam rattle on and on. He thinks he really owns the place. So typical of a control freak, carrying on about things that will never happen. Dream on, Microsoft Sam, dream on. They're right, Sam. No sense in getting worked up over it. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! ETHAN BRUCE, I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE THE PRODUCER OF THIS *** VIDEO! I'M THE DIRECTOR AND WHAT I SAY GOES YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] [Chris Tarrant] Oh dear, you selected the wrong answer! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! [Sam] Actually, I'm right! Tell me I've got the right answer now, or else! [Chris Tarrant] No! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! They're playing my song again. Mary, do you always have to say that when they play the Merrie Melodies theme? It's just a habit I have, Beulah. Sounds funny. "Mary Melodies!" Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Not you too, Abby! Sorry, Sam. Laughing like you do must be contagious. Just like the common cold. There's that MST3K Season 10 logo again. As opposed to the Concrete MST3K logo? Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! NOW CUT THAT OUT! Chill, Sam. You don't own any copyrights on that laugh. Don't lie to me, Ethan! Don't make me give you a wedgie, Sam! Sheesh! And shush the sheesh! Scotty, come here. [Scotty] What's the matter now, Sam? [Sam] That logo is from 2016 and we're using the 1992 Season 4 intro version. [Scotty] Well, screw me where the sun won't shine, Sam! I'm not a clock watcher! [Sam] If you don't bring up the proper logo you will wish you were a clock maker! Oneworld logo. Before they were acquired by Comcast. Oneworld is airplane, and it's Comcastic! Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Not you, Anna! Sorry, Sam. I was only teasing you. I accept your apology, Anna. [Sam] And as for you, Scotty, do I have to show you what logo belongs here? [Scotty] Do you always have to make me feel like a second-grade kid in school? [Sam] Scotty, this is what I want to see belong here: the Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet. I've got eyes, Sam! Stop acting like such an ***! DON'T CALL ME AN ***, YOU SONOFABITCH! {Scotty] All right, Sam! Now you've forced me to resort to massive retaliation! Scotty, Scotty, Scotty. Sam, Sam, Sam. You know better than to try to scare me with the Viacom V of Doom, the Screen Gems S from Hell, the B-Backwards N-D mask of Guo Xiang and the Klasky-Csupo Robot. They don't scare me anymore. Sheesh! If those logos don't scare Sam, I for the life of me don't know what does! [Devil] Does THIS answer your question, Radar Overseer Scotty? [ViD Theme] Oh no! Not the Devil and She-Devil again! Lord God, have mercy on us! Please! [She-Devil] Scared you, didn't we, Beulah and Abby? Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! [Devil] We meant to scare Sam, but that's a start! Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Oh great! Now the Devil and She-Devil are stealing my laugh line! Calm down, Sam. If those infernal imps bother us any further, we'll call on God to deal with them. Stop mentioning the Almighty in front of us! It always makes our tails grow limp! So what if your tails DO grow limp? We call on the Almighty and He'll deal with you just as He dealt with *** and Gomorrah. *** and Gomorrah. I remember those places well. They were our favorite playgrounds until the Almighty ruined it for us. You got that right. Your soul-stealing game has only made you more depraved than ever. I couldn't have said it better myself. You heard it from me, a messenger from God. That's far enough! You and your divine interventions! If you stop us from stealing Sam's soul, we will *** all over you! Don't you dare get filthy with us! We lift our call to God Almighty--- [Devil] Scandalous, double scandalous and triple scandalous! Shall we let them have it! [She-Devil] Let's do it! Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! Not again! Eeeewww! Eeeewwww! [Barfing] You filthy animals! Eeeewww! Eeeewwww! [Barfing] That's your answer to everything! Relieving yourselves all over us! Eeeewww! Eeeewwww! [Barfing] You'll get yours one of these days! Eeeewww! Eeeewwww! [Barfing] Caught you in the act of soiling Sam and his friends again, Devil and She-Devil! Take that! [BOOM!!] [LOUD CRASH!!] [Devil] Curses! Foiled again by the Almighty! We just can't win. [She-Devil] Oh, I think my vertebrae are broken. *** and Gomorrah shall rise again. [God] Sore losers, yes. Prophets, no. Sam and his friends are all cleaned up now. You may resume your video. Thank God! You're welcome. Where's the Theater 3000? Back in the hive. Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! It's becoming a pandemic. We found the Theater 3000. Where's the Mystery Science? We used it to retrieve the Theater 3000! Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Just be cool, Sam. Just be cool. Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again! Youthinks right, Scotty. Must be another one of those days! Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Chill, Sam. You know about free speech. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! IT'S MY LAUGH! IT BELONGS TO ME AND THE NEXT PERSON WHO USES IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION I WILL SUE FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT! IT'S MY LAUGH! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!! [BOOM!!] Oh Sam, what happened to you? His head just exploded in that tantrum. We'll have to get Sam to the hospital. [Mike narrating] "Microsoft Sam, pushed to the breaking point when others constantly used his signature laugh 'Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl' flew into an incredibly violent tantrum." [BOOM!!] [Mike narrating] "The tantrum caused his head to explode, spewing blood in the process and he was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. Anna tried to keep a straight face, but upon arriving at the hospital, she burst into tears. Mary, along with the doctors and nurses, consoled Anna and assured her that Sam would be okay. Meanwhile, back in the studio, Ethan Bruce took over the task of directing." Places everyone! This is a take! Your wish is my command, Ethan, but are you sure Sam's gonna survive? I'm positive, Scotty. Mary and Anna called from the hospital and told me that Sam's getting his new head today. He could use it, Ethan, because he lost his old one. I've heard of people losing their heads, but I didn't think it was literal speech. "Losing his head." Very funny. But seriously, let's get this show on the road! Roll camera! Cue the planet! Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream? Since when did Ben and Jerry get involved? I can see it now. This week's episode of "Strawberry Ice Cream" hosted by Mike Nelson. Scotty? You called, Ethan? Since when did Best Brains merge with Walt Disney? Don't blame me, Ethan. Jimmy did it. I didn't do it, Scotty. You did too, you ***! If Sam were here, he'd fire you! He's not here, Jimmy. He's getting a head transplant. I think Jimmy needs one too, so he can stop being a total ***. Chill, Jimmy. Scotty didn't mean it. Relax. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY, DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME AN *** AGAIN YOU SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH!! [BOOM!!] Jimmy, are you all right? I'm all right, Hank, but nobody calls me an *** and lives. 20th Century Fox logo? Tonight on "24:" Guest star Anatol Stolnavich consults the 24 crew on how to build a better trap to catch Andrea Scarrow. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!! You bellowed, Ethaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan? Since when did Fox and Best Brains merge? Answer me now, and if you lie, you're suspended for 6 weeks! I cannot tell a lie, Ethan. Hank did it. You ***, Scotty! Hank, you're suspended for 6 weeks. Take it easy, Hank. You should be grateful Ethan didn't fire you. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY, I KNOW YOU FRAMED ME AND YOU'LL GET YOURS YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!!] Hank, are you all right? I'm all right, Jimmy. Lucky my head's still attached to me. I'm sorry for blaming Scotty for my suspension. I'm lifting it, Hank. I agree that you're lucky you didn't lose your head. Just like Sam did. Microsoft Anna! How is Sam doing? He's just received his new head and the doctors say he'll be okay. I had to calm Anna down. I never say her crying her eyes out like that before. That's because I was afraid Sam had died. I feel much better now. I'm glad he survived. So am I. Now I know how much you love him. And did I hear someone throwing a tantrum just as Anna and I arrived? Oh, Hank was upset when I suspended him for screwing up the MST3K intro, so I rescinded his suspension. Good for you, Hank. But I'm sending Radar Overseer Scotty to bed without supper. [Chris Tarrant] I'm afraid that is the wrong answer. *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! New Line Cinema. Easy as TimeWarner. As simple as Turner Network. New Line Cinema. A TimeWarner Company. You and me. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!! He's in bed, Ethan. How DARE he sleep on the job! Go wake him up and tell him to get busy getting this MST3K intro right or he's fired! Ethan, you sent him to bed without supper. I did!? Yes, Ethan. Remember? He made Jimmy and Hank throw tantrums and you punished him by sending him to bed without supper. Oh sphincter! Now what do we do? You guys need a little help? Ethan sent Scotty to bed without his supper. And we need help getting this MST3K intro done right. Well, Guy, I guess you'll have to do. Go to it! Roger Wilco! No, Guy, not the Viacom V of Doom! Not the Screen Gems S from Hell! Not the B-Backwards N-D Mask of Guo Xiang! No, no, no! Not the Klasky-Csupo Robot! Now listen! Either you put the MST3K logo follows the planet! All right, all right! Don't get ugly, Ethan! You're acting like a total ***! All right, Ethan, don't flame out. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! GUY, IF YOU CALL ME AN *** ONE MORE TIME I'LL SEND YOU TO BED WITHOUT YOUR SUPPER YOU BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD BLOCKHEAD!! [BOOM!!] Holy Schneikees! Are you okay, Ethan? I'm...all right, Abby. Well, I never thought I'd see the day when Ethan throws a tantum in an MST3K Intro Bloopers video. And just what are you doing out of bed, Scotty? I got up when we got a call from the hospital. Any news on Sam yet? The doctor said there's good news and bad news. The good news is that Sam's awake and alert. The bad news is... they gave him the head of a Gorgon. A Gorgon!? Well, the assistant surgeon said it would be better suited for anyone who dated Anna because he thinks she's a harlot. Hold still, Anna. Take a deep breath. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! HOW DARE THAT DOCTOR CALL ME A HARLOT! I AM NOT A HARLOT YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Are you all right, Anna? I'm all right, Mike. Just wait till I get my hands on the doctor who gave Sam the head of a Gorgon! Did I say a Gorgon? I misheard the doctor. Sam's new head is a normal one. I'm sorry if I made you mad, Anna. It's not your fault, Scotty. I forgive you. Can we PLEASE try to get the MST3K intro correct? As good as done, Mein Kapitaen! [Ethan] "Mein Kapitaen?" Scystery Mience Theater 3000? What next? Tystery Mience Scheater 3000? NOW CUT THAT OUT!! Take it easy, Ethan. Don't get so hyper. Sam! I'm so glad to see you. I've missed you. I've missed you too, Anna. I'm so glad to be back. And I'm glad they remembered how your head looked. Simple plastic surgery does wonders. How about the MST3K intro? Glad you reminded me, Scotty. Roll camera! Cue the planet! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed! Youthinks right, Scotty. Let's try again. Uh, not now, Sam. We've been suffering greatly when you were in the hospital and we need to take some time off. [Sam] Great idea, Ethan! This will fit in with the regimen my doctors prescribed. [Anna] And what regimen is it? [Sam] Plenty of rest and relaxation. And above all, I must not let my temper get the best of me. [Mary] You mean you won't throw any tantrums for a while? [Sam] Not for a week, at least. [Mike] Well, it looks like Sam is better with his new head than with his old one. [Anna] And I'll be at his side. He needs all the TLC he can get. [Ethan] And you know what we missed most, Sam? [Sam] What, Ethan? [Ethan] We missed your signature laugh. [Sam] My signature laugh? [Mike] You know, Sam. You usually laugh like this: "Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!" [Sam] Oh sphincter! Ready, Ethan? Ready, Sam! Sam and Ethan are cooperating for once. I guess they decided to put aside their differences. Don't forget: Sam still can't throw tantrums yet. We can pick up the slack for him. Roll camera! Cue the planet! Colgate? Sounds like fun. Where's the party? Where's the entertainment? Where's the fire? Where's the beef? Here's the beef. This is supposed to be Mystery Science Theater 3000, not Colgate. Picky, picky, picky. What did you do with the planet? Nothing special. We just took the sting out of it. It's not Season 11, it's Season 2. Very well, if you want to get technical... "0003 Retaeht Ecneics Yretsym?" Taht erutcip si sdrawckab! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY! Take it easy, Saaaaaaaaaaaam! You're not supposed to throw tantrums yet, remember? Sorry, but these bloopers irritate me. But Mr. Best Brains said he likes these bloopers. I forgot that. My bad. Let's march on. Scotty, Jimmy, Hank and Guy! Matthew, Mark, Luke and John! Chill, Sam. Why must you be so angry? Why shouldn't I be? No one says "F-U" to their boss! That's insubordination! Do that once more and you'll all be fired! You hear me? F-I-R-E-D fired! Calm down, Guy. You should be worried about Sam's health. Relax. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! Microsoft Sam, you know you can't get mad because if you throw a tantrum now you might kill yourself! Calm the hell down you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Are you okay, Guy? I'm all right, Scotty. I feared for Sam's life when he screamed at us. I'm sorry, Guy, but you should never say "F-U" to your boss. It's kind of funny, you know? Sam screaming and Guy throwing a tantrum in which he warns Sam he'd kill himself if HE throws one! Guy throws a tantrum because he's afraid I'd kill myself if I threw one? Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Now that you mentioned it, it IS kind of funny! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Neutrogena? Whoever did that must be full of Neutrogena. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Radar Overseer Scotty, so help me... Calm down, Sam! Remember what your doctor said. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Canon. With a good Canon, the air can always be refreshing. First Canon, now Nikon. The atmosphere is really getting electric. I didn't know Canon and Nikon joined the MST3K turf. For those about to electric, we salute you. You shook me all night long. The next person who makes a reference to Canon and Nikon I will send down the "Highway to Hell!" Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! [ViD Theme] Eek! The Devil and She-Devil! Grab hold of the nearest cross! [Devil] Hands off those roods! [She-Devil] You know they cause us great pain! And just what are you two infernal imps doing back here again? Oh Ethan, you always flatter us! We overheard Sam threatening to send somebody down the highway to hell. We were discussing AC/DC songs. That's one of our favorite bands. "Highway to Hell" has been the number one song in our realm for many years. I especially love it when Bon Scott yells my name. He's one of the star attractions in the Dante Lounge in my kingdom. Dante? The one who wrote the "Inferno?" LH Michael and I are ardent fans of classical literature. That's beside the point. Don't you dare harm a hair of Sam's head! And you leave Ethan alone! He's mine! [Devil] And who's gonna make us? [Chris Tarrant] What a disastress star, that is the wrong answer! [God] I agree, Chris. I will, you infernal imps! [Devil] Do not interfere with us! We consider it scandalous! [She-Devil] For this we will *** all over Sam and his friends! [THUNDER!] Not in front of Me! Take that, you infernal imps! [BOOM!!] [LOUD CRASH!] [Devil] Curses! Foiled again! [She-Devil] What a hard landing! My spine! My tailbone! My sphincter! Owww! You may resume your video. Good riddance to bad rubbish! [Devil] Oh sphincter! Olympus. "All Washed Up!" Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Don't steal my laugh line! Just be cool, Sam. Just be cool. Uh-oh! Methinks we goofed again. Youthinks right, but we can't make Sam angry. And what's wrong with being angry? When you get angry, Sam, you get all worked up. And you try to keep yourself cool, but then you lose it and lapse into a tantrum. And the doctor says a tantrum now might kill you. Just relax and take it easy, Sam. You might be a goner if you threw a tantrum now. You may be right, Ethan. I've got no reason to be upset. Besides, if you threw a tantrum on a bicycle, you may be a goner with the Schwinn! Hahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! They're right, Sam. Take a deep breath. Relax. Be cool. Uh-oh! Sam, don't do it! Don't throw a tantrum! Your head might explode! Got to...keep it in... Can't afford...to have...my head...explode... Must...keep...control... Uh-oh! Can't...fight it... Got to...let loose... No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap crappity crap crap crap! I can't stand any more *** from any of you, not even my doctors! No one has to tell me not to throw a tantum and I don't care if it kills me you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [MASSIVE EXPLOSION!!] SAM!!! He didn't! I'm afraid he did. Are you all right? Speak to me, Sam. Who...what...where am I? You're in the studio, Sam. You just threw an incredibly violent tantrum. Lucky for you, your head didn't explode. My head is...intact? And lucky for you, it is. Tell my doctor I'm sorry I threw a tantrum. Before you screamed at us, I got a call from the doctor saying your head is completely fused to your body and even the most violent tantrum won't destroy it. Whew! That's a relief. What about the MST3K intro? Go to it! Tantrums Anonymous. We're all charter members. Tantrums Anonymous is a division of the Tantrum Control Task Force, the organization dedicated to curing people of tantrum addictions. TA has saved 200 lives in the last year alone. Got a tantrum addiction you want to get rid of? Call Tantrums Anonymous, proud sponsor of "MST3K Intro Bloopers!" [Chris Tarrant] Oh no, that's the wrong answer! You've just lost... ...100 pounds! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! Places, everyone! Roll camera! Cue the planet! "Bessssssssssssssssssst Brains?" That's really wwwwwwwwwild! We're just like Steve Martin. A bunch of wild and crazy guys! You said it, Scotty. Who's the wise guy futzing around with the intro? Not me. Not me. First of all, the planet should display the MST3K planet and second, the caption should say "Mystery Science Theater 3000." If Mr. Best Brains ever saw this... He'd laugh loud and long! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh sphincter! "Mystery Science TTTTTTTTheater 3000?" What next? PPPPPPPPP Planet? SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam? The logo shouldn't say "More T's of Theater," it should say "Theater 3000!" If you screw it up once more, you're fired! And if you fire me, I'll kill myself! I will NOT be held responsible if you do that! Theater Brains. That's where we had our pictures taken. Do I look all right, Abby? Pretty as a picture, Beulah. That does it! Scotty, yo-o-o-o-o-o-ou're fired! I warned you, Sam! Goodbye cruel world! Put that gun down, Scotty! Killing yourself doesn't solve any problems at all. But Ethan, Sam just fired me. Where should I find work at this late date? Don't worry, Scotty. I'll re-hire you and make Sam apologize. Not on your life, Ethan! Scotty's firing is justified, you hear? Justified! Justified my ***! Re-hire Scotty or I'll tell Mr. Best Brains on you! Screw it, Ethan! I'd sooner send the Devil and She-Devil after you! [ViD Theme] [Devil] You called, Microsoft Sam? [She-Devil] You want us to take Ethan Bruce's soul to our realm? Oh noes! The Devil and She-Devil again! Save me, Jesus! [Devil] Don't mention that name in front of us! [She-Devil] It always makes our tails grow limp! Now look here, Mr. and Mrs. Mephistopheles! You'd better have, if you'll pardon the expression, a damned good reason for intruding on my video again! We heard Sam say he'd rather send us after you than re-hire Radar Overseer Scotty. And we have a score to settle with you because you refused to show God's Country all covered in *** in one of our videos from Funny Signs. That's because all the world's religious leaders would have come down on me like a ton of bricks if I hadn't censored that scene. Which would have made it easier for us to possess the souls of you and your friends. If you don't surrender to us, we will *** all over you and your friends. You'll never get away with that, and God wouldn't even let you. Well said, Ethan. If I catch the Devil and She-Devil soiling the place, I will bring My Wrath down upon them! [Devil] Scandalous! Shall we let them have it? [She-Devil] Let's do it! Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! Not again! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Why do you always do this to us? Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] You bring new meaning to the term "foul play." Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] That's just so like you! You always befoul us when you don't get your way! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Flagrant foul on the Devil and She-Devil! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] You and your nasty defiance of My Authority! Take that! [BOOM!] [LOUD CRASH!] [Devil] Ouch! My sphincter! Owww! [She-Devil] One day we will do to the world what we did to Ethan Bruce and his friends! [God] Sore losers, yes. Prophets, no. Did the caption guy fall asleep on the keys again? One too many R's in the title. "Mystery Science Theaterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 3000!" Now he's got a "B" fetish. He'd better get some WD-40 for his keyboard. "MMMMMMMMMMMerrie." Oh Ethan, you flatter me! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If you flirt with Mary again, Ethan, I'll punch your lights out! All right, Ethan, don't lose your mind. You were only reading the caption. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. No no no no no no no no! Microsoft Mike, don't you threaten me again! You hear me? You *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!] Are you all right, Dave? I'm sorry, Abby. And I'm sorry too, Mike, for throwing that tantrum. Just remember that Mary is mine, Ethan. I was only teasing you. How many M's are there in Melodies? I find one ought to be plenty. Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Mystery Science Merrie 3000. Mystery Science Jimmy 3000. Hands off of Mary! She's mine! Relax, Mike. We were just reading the captions. But I agree that Mary is very attractive. Mystery Science Merrie 3000. Oh, you flatter me! Calm down, Mike. You know they're only teasing you. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on now. No no no no no no no no dammit dammit dammit dammit! You know Mary is mine and if you lay a finger on her I'll tear you apart you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!] Are you all right, Mike? I'm okay, Mary. I should have known they were only teasing me. Mystery Science Melodies 3000. Now that's music to my ears. Mystery Science Looney 3000? I knew Mary was the romantic type, but I didn't think she was looney! Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Stay calm, Mary. Relax. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Microsoft Sam, don't you call me a looney! You hear me? Don't call me a looney you *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***! [BOOM!] Are you all right, Mary? I'm okay, Mike. I just don't like being pissed off by Sam's snide remarks. I'm sorry, Mary. Apology accepted, Sam. Mystery Science Tunes 3000. Songs, ditties, jingles and fanfares. Take it easy, Sam. Remember, Mr. Best Brains likes a good blooper. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! It's not Looney Tunes or Merrie Melodies, it's Mystery Science Theater 3000 you sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch! [BOOM!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm okay, Anna. These bloopers are starting to get to me. [Anna] That's all right, Sam. You know Mr. Best Brains loves them. [Sam] You're right, Anna. Let's keep trying. Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again! [Chris Tarrant] Oh no, that's the wrong answer! You've just lost... ...100 pounds! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! [Sam] Chris is right, Scotty. I won't punish you because Mr. Best Brains will nail me to the planet if I did. [Ethan Bruce] That's very mature, Sam. However, it's been a very trying day. Let's go somewhere to eat. [Anna] Sure, Ethan. Where do you think we should go? Where else? [Sam] Oh sphincter! Let's get this show on the road! Where to, Sam? Where to what? Getting this show on the road? Where to? Boston? New York? Chicago? Los Angeles? London? Paris? Rome? Tokyo? Bangkok? One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. Now cut that out! How about right here in the studio? Good idea, Anna. Roll camera! Cue the planet! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaam? You put "Vitaphone" where "Mystery Science Theater 3000" should be! Ease up on Scotty, Sam! I think you've been too rough on him recently. Stay out of this, you ***! I'm not an ***, you sonofabitch! And I forbid you to call me an *** ever again! Take it easy, Sam. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... No no no no no no no no damn damn damn damn crap crap crap crap! Microsoft Mike, accept the fact that you're an *** and if you deny it just once more I'll throw you in jail because you'd be guilty of perjury! You hear me? Guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm all right, Anna. Why doesn't Mike learn to face facts? Because, Sam, just calling me an *** doesn't make it so without showing conclusive evidence to prove it. Besides, no jury in the world would convict me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Touche, Sam! Sheesh! [Ethan] And shush the sheesh! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!! What's the matter now, Saaaaaaaaaaaam? "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Mystery Science Theater 3000?" What in the blessed name of J.L. Best Brains are you trying to do to me? Sam, I wish you would stop being so rough on Scotty. You know he's trying. Yes, Mary. VERY trying. And you know Mr. Best Brains loves a good blooper. Stay out of this, you ***! And if Scotty screws up the intro again, he's fired! And if you fire me, I'll kill myself, and if you deny liability for my suicide, I'll send the Devil and She-Devil after you! You tell him, Scotty! Serves Sam right for calling me an ***! Deny you're an ***, Mike, and you'll be a jailbird! Take it easy, Mike. Sam's just being delusional. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on now. No no no no no no no no dammit dammit dammit dammit! Microsoft Sam, how dare you say I'm guilty of perjury for denying being an ***! You have no proof to back up your claim and no jury in the world would convict me! You hear me? Sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch sonofabitch! [BOOM!!] Microsoft Mike, yoooooooooou're fired! Officer Flanigan? You called, Sam? I officially declare Microsoft Mike guilty of perjury and sentence him to ten years in jail! Lock him up! Microsoft Mike, you're under arrest. Oh sphincter! Peet's Coffee? What kind of a fee is a Peet's Coffee? A coffee that takes one. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY!! YOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIRED!! Fired!? FIRED!? Oh no you don't, Microsoft Sam! Re-hire Scotty now, or else! Or else what? Just "or else!" You can't "or else" me, Ethan! I don't care if you're the producer of this *** video! If you rescind Scotty's firing, I'll charge you with mutiny! You can't override me, Sam! Such charges would only be friviolous! If you don't re-hire Scotty, I'll send the Devil and She-Devil after you! And I'll kill myself, and if Sam denies liability, he'd be thrown in jail alongside Microsoft Mike! No jury in the world would convict me! Don't be too sure, Sam! Now, will you re-hire Scotty, or do I send the Devil and She-Devil after you? Okay, Ethan, I know when I'm licked. Scotty, you're re-hired. Thanks, Sam. Hello? Precinct 33? I wanna speak with the Chief of Police. What is Mary doing? Don't interrupt a phone call, Sam. She's talking to the Chief of Police. She's trying to get Mike out of jail. Hello? Chief of Police? This is Microsoft Mary. I wish to file wrongful conviction and imprisonment charges against Microsoft Sam on Microsoft Mike's behalf. Aha! Mary, get off the phone! Sam! You can't send Mike to jail without proof! He's guilty of perjury and under sentence! Guy, cut the line! Will do, Sam! Hello? Hello? All right, who cut the line? Microsoft Mary, I told you not to call! Sam, you can't convict and imprison Mike on a perjury charge without proof. You had no proof. He's innocent. Innocent my ***! I forbid you to see Mike ever again! But Sam, I love him! Forget it, Mary! I forbid you to even get near him! He's a lying *** and a criminal! Stay away from him forever and that's final! Stay calm, Mary. Sam's just being stubborn. Keep your cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on. Eee-yow-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w! Microsoft Sam, you really *** me off! I love Microsoft Mike, he's not an *** and you can't keep him locked up! You hear me? You *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Are you okay, Mary? I'm sorry I blew up, Ethan. Sam's stubbornness just pisses me off. I'm sorry, Mary, but you just have to face facts. And so do you, Sam. Paramount merges with Best Brains's? Popeye meets Joel Hodgson. Come here, Scotty. What now, Sam? Do you work for Paramount? I should say not. This is Mystery Science Theater 3000, not Paramount. Don't you even think about harming Scotty, Sam. [Sam] Oh ***! Best Brains's and Rankin Bass? Mike Nelson meets Smokey the Bear. MST3K on public television? Well, Gypsy did some Tom Servo spots for "The Satellite of Love" in one of these years. PlayStation? Sony really did merge with Best Brains. No they did not! Sorry, just another minor glitch. Just like when Sam sent me to jail wrongfully. That's right. I called the Chief of Police, cleared Mike of the perjury conviction and overturned his jail sentence. How did you manage that, Ethan? Very simple. After Sam had Guy cut the land line, I secretly used my cell phone to contact the police station. It sure feels good to be free again. I've missed you, Mike. I missed you too, Mary. Aha! A fugitive! Call the police! I already did, Sam. I told the Chief of Police that you wrongfully convicted Mike of perjury and threw him in jail, then he contacted some lawyers and they freed Mike for lack of conclusive evidence. Why should I show evidence when I know it's an accepted fact that Mike's an ***? Just calling me an *** doesn't make it so! They also fined you $50,000 and warned you to stop indulging in delusions resulting from incessant name-calling. This is an outrage! Ethan Bruce, I don't care what power you hold over us, but I oughta send the Devil and She-Devil after you for double-crossing me! Don't you dare do that, Sam, or I'll call on God and the Angel to beat them back! You asked for it, traitor! [ViD theme] Oh noes! Not the Devil and She-Devil again! Save us, Jesus! [Devil] Don't say that name in front of us! [She-Devil] It always makes our tails grow limp! You infernal monsters! I've got a good mind to call on God to send you back where you came from! Don't listen to Ethan Bruce's blathering ***! He committed treason against me by freeing Microsoft Mike from jail against my wishes! You say he's a traitor? Now you're talking my language! [Chris Tarrant] I'm afraid that is the wrong answer. *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! [Mike] Okay Chris, give the infernal imps to silent treatment. [Chris Tarrant] What happened there? If you're not sure of the answer, then use your lifelines. [Ethan] Treason, schmeason! Sam wrongfully convicted Mike of perjury and jailed him and I had to prove Mike's not an *** in order to free him. Should we take your statement as a confession to the crime of treason? Yes! He's a traitor and he should be tormented in Hell forever for it! And what about Sam jailing me for denying being an *** without conclusive proof? Good point. Sam and Ethan now belong to us. And if anyone tries to take them away, we will *** all over them. Not without incurring My Wrath, you don't! [Devil] Scandalous! Shall we let them have it? [She-Devil] Let's do it! Bombs--- [THUNDER] Not in My Presence, you don't! Take that! [BOOM!!] {LOUD CRASH!!] [Devil] Curses! You didn't even give us a chance! [She-Devil] One of these days, you'll let down your guard and no one will stop us from tormenting Ethan Bruce and his friends! [God] Sore losers, yes. Prophets, no. [Devil] Oh sphincter! Not Chez Monyou again! Don't worry, Sam. They just went out of business. Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again! Youthinks right, Scotty, but let's try once more. Uh, not now, Sam, it's getting late. Let's pick it up there in the morning. Hey Sam, guess what? What, Ethan? This is our 50th MST3K Intro Bloopers video! 50! The big 5-0! A milestone in blooper videos! Only a select number of blooper videos live to see a 50th episode. Life begins at 50. 50 is the new 30. In the words of Bob Dylan: "May you stay forever young." I wonder how the person who said "life begins at 50" feels. I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Beulah. Why not, Abby? He passed away at 49. Doesn't the logo have a sense of horror anymore? Why not ask it yourself? SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaam? It's not "Kodak," it's "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" Get it right, you noodge! SCOTTY! YOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIRED! Fired!? FIRED!? [Sam] That's right, fired! And this time, it's permanent! [Sam] Out you go! [CRASH!] Microsoft Sam! How DARE you do this to my boyfriend! Re-hire him now! You heard her, Sam! No way, Ethan! Microsoft Sam, you ***! Bring Scotty back or I quit! Unacceptable! If I see you near Scotty again, I'll kill the both of you! You can't do that, Sam! That's ***! [Sam] Screw it, Ethan! [Beulah] You put me down! [Sam] Beulah, you're fired! [Sam] Out you go! [CRASH!] Sam's gone crazy! I agree, Mike. No sympathy for Scotty and that's an order! Sam, I'm surprised at you! First you throw Scotty out, then you throw Beulah out. Forgive me, Anna, but it had to be done. HAD to be done? Frankly, Sam, we are outraged! You're becoming a control freak! That's insubordination! You're all fired! Sam, you can't do this to me! I love you! I don't love you anymore, Anna! Get out! All of you! Not again, Sam! Stop being such a control freak! And that goes for you two as well, LH Michael and LH Michelle! You're both fired! Get out! I forbid this, Sam! You too, Ethan! I'm calling the wagon, Sam! You've flipped out! You too, Abby! {Sam] You're all fired! Get out! Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out! [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [CRASH!] [Sam] Now what's this? [RoboSoft 3] It's the MST3K planet, Sam. {Sam] The intro should be Season 6, not the KTMA Intro Version. [Sam] Not "Nesquilk," "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" [RoboSoft 3] Give me a break, Sam. I'm just a novice at being a planet guy. [Sam] No, no, no! Not "Air Wick!" "Mystery Science Theater 3000!' Mystery Science Theater 3000, not Air Wick! Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000-Mystery Science Theater 3000! [RoboSoft 3] All right, all right! Can I help it if you act childish? [Sam] No! [Sam] No! [Sam] No! No, no, no, no, no! "Mystery Science Theater 3000!" Mystery Science as in Wisenheimer, Theater 3000 as in Theaterhead! RoboSoft 3, so help me, if you screw up one more time... Must you shout so, Microsoft Sam? Oh, its you, Officer Flanigan. What brings you here? We just got a letter fom the law firm of Shyster & Shyster. What does it say? The court has thrown out your injunction barring Ethan Bruce, Microsoft Mike, Microsoft Mary, Microsoft Anna, Radar Overseer Scotty, Jimmy, Hank, Guy, Beulah, Abby, LH Michael and LH Michelle from returning here. Remind me to get a new lawyer. The letter also said that not only have you been ordered to re-hire them, but you have also been fined $50,000 for being a control freak. [Chris Tarrant] What happened there? If you're not sure of the answer, then use your lifelines. [Sam] Take it easy, Sam. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! WHY CAN'T I WIN A CASE JUST ONCE? I STILL SAY I SHOULD HAVE DOMAIN IN THIS STUDIO! I'M DUMPING MY LAWYERS BECAUSE THEY REALLY ARE SHYSTERS! YOU HEAR ME? SHYSTERS SHYSTERS SHYSTERS SHYSTERS SHYSTERS SHYSTERS SHYSTERS SHYSTERS!! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm all right, Anna. What brings you back here? We won the lawsuit against you. And we hope this teaches you not to be such a control freak, Sam. Lucky we came back when we did. We overheard you throwing a tantrum over the court decision. You should know you can't fight city hall. But you can have a lot of fun trying. And why did you throw us out of here when we did nothing wrong? It's bad enough that you acted like a control freak without trying to use the law for your own selfish gains. I'm sorry I acted that way. If you needed a law to run the place like you were Napoleon, you shouild have run for public office. And if you didn't get enough public support, you would at least have tried your best. We could have made good campaign workers. President Microsoft Sam? How about getting back to business regarding the MST3K intro? Great idea, Ethan! Roll camera! Cue the planet! Well, we're getting close. I agree, Scotty. One more try should do it. Yeah, but it's been a trying day. Let's take off now and go on vacation. [Anna] That's a good idea, Ethan. [Mary] Where should we go on vacation? [Beulah] Aruba? [Abby] Jamaica? [Jimmy] Madagascar? [Hank] Timbuktu? [Guy] Timbuk 3? [Mike] Timbuk 3? That's a band, not a vacation spot. [Ethan] I remember Timbuk 3. They had a song called "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades." [Anna] That song fits you well, Ethan. We're always seeing you in shades. [Abby] It always makes you look cool. [Ethan] I know. [Sam] So where should we spend our vacation, Ethan? [Ethan] Timbuk 4. [Sam] Timbuk 4? [Ethan] Sure, Sam. It's twice as nice as Timbuktu! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Sam] Oh Skeezix! I feel better than ever now. Do you promise not to act like a control freak again? It's all in the past, Anna. Just remember, I'll always be here to help you. Then let's get things started! Roll camera! Cue planet! Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! What's so funny, Sam? I said "cue planet" and the planet has a "Q" on it! Q Planet? Is that anything like a Q-Tip? Q Planet! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Question Mark? What if Mark has no answer? Now the planet's being emphatic. Exclamation Point! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaam? What's with the punctuation marks on the planet? Down dooby doo down down. Comma comma, down dooby doo down down. And I want the proper caption! You hear me? Roger Wilco! Now what's this? You wanted the planet, so you got the planet. But where are the letters? In the mailbox. [Chris Tarrant] What a disastress star, that is the wrong answer! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! [Scotty] Serves the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire right for saying that people have gaged him wrong answers. I mean, I had actually put the marks on the camera in my class and I think it is awesome. Do you agree with me, Ethan? [Ethan] You can say that again, Scotty. The mark sponsors rocks! So, I agree with you! [Anna] And I agree you too, Ethan! [Scotty] And as for you, Chris, will you promise never to say stuff like you've given me the wrong answer? [Chris Tarrant] No! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! [Sam] RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY!! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? You wanted the letters, you got the letters! Ease up on Scotty, Sam. He's only the lead planet guy, not a mailman. You two stay out of this! And as for you, Radar Overseer Scotty, you know what this means? Do I get a wedgie? Or do I go to bed without my supper again? YOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIRED!!! Fired!? FIRED!? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, YOU KNOW I'M IRREPLACEABLE HERE! IF YOU DON'T RE-HIRE ME I'LL KILL MYSELF AND DON'T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE YOU WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Scotty! Are you all right? I'm okay, Beulah. Why is it that every time I get Sam mad, he fires me? I wouldn't sweat it, Scotty. I still love you. And the rest of us will give you all the support you need. If you do, I'll have you all hanged for treason because Scotty's firing is justified! You hear? Justified! Justified my ***! If I catch you acting like a control freak again, I will take no prisoners! You hear me? Oh sphincter! "Raundry is leddy?" So now you're sending our clothes to a Chinese laundromat? Of course. If you don't believe me, just ask Ty. Ty who? Ty Ming! Hahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Scotty! I thought I fired you! Now get outta here before I have you hanged! Spare that rope, Sam! Scotty, you're re-hired. Thanks, Ethan. Take it easy, Sam. Remember, you're not a control freak. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! ETHAN BRUCE, I DON'T CARE IF YOU HOLD JURISDICTION OVER ME! I STILL WANT TO HAVE AUTHORITY AROUND HERE! YOU HEAR ME? YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] I know somebody who's getting a timeout. Methinks I shouldn't have declared Sam ready to return to work so soon. Youthinks right, Anna. He needs a little more therapy. That's the MST3K planet? I don't remember it looking like that in an MST3K TV show. We didn't say it was THE MST3K planet. We said it was AN MST3K planet. Not the "MST3K Season 10" again! All right, we'll get a concrete one. And we'll promise not to get our feet stuck. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY! Not again, Saaaaaaaaaaaam! You tell him, Scotty! If you don't stop interfering, Ethan, I'll send the Devil and She-Devil after you! You do that, Sam, and I'll call on God and the Angel to beat them back! You asked for it! [ViD Theme] Ye Gads! The Devil and She-Devil! Grab hold of the nearest cross! [Devil] Hands off of those crosses! [She-Devil] You know they make our tails grow limp! If you'll pardon the expression, just what the hell are you two infernal imps doing here again? Oh davemadson, must you regale us with this flattery of yours? We heard Microsoft Sam say he'd rather send us after you than cease and desist being a control freak. That's right! And Ethan, if you call on God and the Angel, I'll have the Devil and She-Devil *** all over you! Subject me to such disgusting treatment again? Not as long as I'm in charge! I'm with Dave on this! So am I! So am I! Microsoft Anna! Don't you love me anymore? Oh Sam, I still love you, but you need to calm yourself down before you make these infernal imps relieve themselves on us again. Sam's on our side? We like it! All the more reason to claim him along with Mike, Mary, Anna, and especially Ethan, whom I'm feeling more fascinated with. You leave them alone, you infernal monsters! Back off, or you'll feel the Wrath of God again! [Devil] That's scandalous, and anyone who denies it is a liar! Shall we let them have it? [She-Devil] Let's do it! Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! They shat on me again! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Disgusting, as usual! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] Why must you soil us? Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] All over my good clothes yet! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] You'll get yours one of these days! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! [Barfing] [Devil] Look at them, all covered in ***! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [She-Devil] Next time, they'll be branded with the three sixes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You have your nerve, soiling Sam and his friends without just cause! Enough of this insolence, you infernal spewers of waste! Take that! [LOUD CRASH!!] [Devil] Curses! Foiled again! The Almighty would have to do this to us! Ouch! [She-Devil] Oh, our aching sphincters! Owww! Sam, Mike, Mary, Anna and Ethan are all cleaned up now. You may resume your video. And good riddance to bad rubbish! [Devil] Oh sphincter! Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again! Youthinks right, Scotty. Let's try it once more. SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! No, Sam! Please don't fire me! I've got nowhere else to go! You asked for it, Scotty! [BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK BONK] Microsoft Sam! Are you out of your mind? Stop bludgeoning Scotty to death! Oh mama! Scotty! Please pull through! I love you! Sorry, but I just don't like having anyone, much less this dime-a-dozen bum, futzing around with the MST3K planet. Microsoft Sam, I think you need another timeout. Don't tell me what to do around here, you ***! Calm down, Sam! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-otch!! [Anna] I hate to do this, Sam, but it's only for your own good! [BOOM!!] Who... What... What happened? Sorry I had to do that, sam, but you were starting to act like a control freak again. I'm sorry, Anna. I guess I'm trapped in my old ways. Should we try the MST3K intro again, Ethan? Let's wait till tomorrow, Scotty. Places everyone! Lights! Camera! Action! What's the big idea, Scotty? What do you mean, Sam? I see the intro, but it does not reproduce the planet. How about that? Maybe the planet's been put out of commission. Probably by those angry mothers who protested the adult content in our videos. Sorry, Ma, but you can't fight city hall. Well said, Ethan. [Sam] Who asked you, you ***! [Mike] Don't you ever, ever call me an *** again, you sonofabitch! [Sam] You never admit the truth, you ***! [Mike] The truth is I never was one, you sonofabitch! [Sam] ***! [Mike] Sonofabitch! [Sam] ***! [Mike] Sonofabitch! Potty mouths! That's what you are! Now let's get on with this video! Kare 11. What time does Shavid Sharknocks come on? Marina Bay Sands. Coming up next: The Battle of the Singapore Hotels. And Radar Overseer Scotty will be seeing stars if he doesn't bring in the proper logo. Why must you threaten me, Sam? I'm just trying to make a living here. Red Bull? What's that? It's an energy drink sold. They show you things to do around the drink and in the yard. And you and LH Michelle can come to my house next Saturday and drink in my yard. No thanks, Sam. I hate getting topsoil in my ears. Yuck! Take it easy, Sam. You know good help is hard to find. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! I ASK ONE SIMPLE FAVOR AND I'M TIRED OF HEARING "NO" FOR AN ANSWER! YOU HEAR ME? YOU SLACKERS SLACKERS SLACKERS SLACKERS SLACKERS SLACKERS SLACKERS SLACKERS!! [BOOM!!] Sam? Are you all right? I'm all right, Anna. How come I never get any help around the house when I need it? [Anna] Don't worry, Sam. I can do the yard work for you. [Chris Tarrant] Oh dear, you selected the wrong answer! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian! Littlest Pet Shop? I didn't know the head coach at the pets worked in the girls and babies too! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!! You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaam? Come here! [Scotty] What's the matter now, Sam? [Sam] You don't seem to know what logo belongs here, do you? [Scotty] And you can't resist treating me like a second-grader in school, can you? [Sam] This is the logo that belongs here. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 planet. [Scotty] Judas Priest, Sam! I've got eyes! Why must you act like a total ***! [Sam] I'm not an ***, you dime-a-dozen bum! Whoa there! Watch the swears! Do you want a bunch of angry mothers taking us to court over the content in this video? Stop interfering, Ethan, or I'll send the Devil and She-Devil after you! All right, Ethan, you know how to handle situations like this. Stay calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum is coming on. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, STOP THREATENING TO SEND THE DEVIL AND SHE-DEVIL AFTER ME EVERY TIME I CATCH YOU ACTING LIKE A CONTROL FREAK! YOU HEAR ME? YOU *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***!! [BOOM!!] Are you all right, Ethan? I'm all right, Abby. I'm just being haunted by this "Sailor Moon Riser" who harassed me on YouTube over how the content looks like in davemadson's LT Bloopers and my videos content "harming her kids." You have nothing to worry about, Ethan. An unknown YouTube user reported her to YouTube and Google and she'll never bother you again. And don't forget: you have your faithful subscribers to support you. Thanks. I feel better already. Smarsh. Any relation to the Maltese Falcon? I don't know I have never seen such a beautiful. [Sam] Hey, this is not a classic movie. [Anna] It's a commercial, as you know in every MST3K intro blooper video. [Ethan] Here's lookin' at you, kid. [Scotty] Cannot be. Try to imitate some classic movies. I wonder which actor from a classic movie he'll do next. [ViD Theme] Well, well, well! Look who just crashed the party! [Devil] So, Ethan Bruce and friends, we meet again. Welly, welly, welly! The king and queen of the underworld invade my MST3K Intro Bloopers video just to stir up trouble. [She-Devil] Oh Ethan, how you flatter us! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wellity, wellity, wellity! NOW CUT THAT OUT! Bite your tongue, Sam! You know I brought you into my videos and I can take you out, don't you? Okay, Dad. I'll play ball with you. So Ethan's acting like a parent to Sam? Then our fun is just beginning. Indeed. Wait till he hears about how we've been getting those little tykes to watch his videos and develop bad habits that drive their parents crazy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I should have known you two infernal imps were behind those "Sailor Moon Riser" who harass me on YouTube! I've got a good mind to call on God and the Angel to teach you a lesson! Take it easy, Ethan. At least when their parents scold and spank them, they can say "the Devil made me do it." Or more accurately, "the Devil and She-Devil made me do it." Are these infernal imps bothering you again? Just being annoying is all. Don't worry, Ethan. When we're through with these infernal imps, they'll be the ones acting like little kids. [Devil] That's far enough! [She-Devil] Any more of this meddling and we *** on Ethan Bruce and his friends! That disgusting act is unacceptable! Do that to them and you'll both feel My Wrath again! [Devil] We got dibs on them, and I say your interference is scandalous! Shall we let them have it? Let's do it! Bombs away! [PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP] Gugh! Not again! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww! [Barfing] Dump your waste elsewhere! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww! [Barfing] Like in a cesspool! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww! [Barfing] Go back to the sewers! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww! [Barfing] And stop using us for toilets! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww! [Barfing] You infernal overseers of waste mismanagement! Take that! [LOUD CRASH!!] [Devil] Oh noes! Beaten again! [She-Devil] We never get our way with them! Oh, my shattered bones! Owww! Sam, Mike, Mary, Anna and Ethan are all cleaned up now. You may resume your video. And good riddance to bad rubbish! [Devil] Oh sphincter! Barney. Producers of "Barney & Friends." Don't have a dinosaur, man! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Tell me not to have a dinosaur again and I'll make you clean up the barnyard! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww! [Barfing] Just kidding. Tangled. That's a movie that used to Rapunzel but it isn't a film writer anymore. Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again! Youthinks right, Scotty, but let's try it one more time. "ZILTH?" What's a ZILTH? Hey Ethan, I didn't know there was such a thing as a ZILTH! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! That's because I made it up, Anna! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl! Oh, ZILTH! 
Sam: Hey Ethan!
Ethan: What is it, Sam?
Sam: Did you just alter the intro version?
Ethan: It's a new design I thought I'd try out.
Mike: Looks like a rainbow.
Mary: I love rainbows.
Anna: So do I.
Scotty: Eiker Gazillas is at work here.
Jimmy: I didn't know Ethan hired him.
Hank: Eiker's a good old boy.
Guy: Eiker Gazillas, inventor of the gold keeper.
Beulah: Rainbow version.
Abby: I'd settle for rainbow trout.
LH Michael: "Eiker Gazillas" is an acronym for the colors of the gold keeper.
LH Michelle: Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.
Sam: For that we could get sent to prism.
Scotty: Prison, Sam?
Sam: Not "prison," Scotty, "prism."
Ethan: I get it. Eiker Gazillas. Gold keeper. Send to prism.
Sam: Roll camera! Cue the planet!
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays, but the text reads "Mystery Science Whiner 3000.")
Sam: Uh, Scotty?
Scotty: You want me, Sam?
Sam: I don't really want you, Scotty, but I just need to ask you a simple question.
Scotty: Shoot.
Sam: Am I ever tempted!
Ethan: Don't try it, Sam. Remember what happened in "Funny Signs: Not a Thru Treet?"
Sam: I get it, Ethan, but why does the caption read "Mystery Science Whiner 3000" instead of "Mystery Science Theater 3000?"
Scotty: Gimme a break, Sam! At least I got the planet right!
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays again, but the text reads "Mystery Science Wash 3000.")
Mike: Mystery Science Wash 3000?
Mary: As opposed to the Dry Planets? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays again, but the text reads "Godzilla.")
Beulah: Godzilla.
Abby: A movie is Godzilla-worthy.
Mike: By the way, when are we getting a movie?
Sam: The Academy would never give a movie. Godzilla has died because he's an asswipe! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Mike: Stay calm, Mike. It's just a joke. Stay cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum coming on now! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! MICROSOFT SAM, CEASE AND DESIST CALLING ME AN ASSWIPE RIGHT THIS MINUTE YOU SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH!!
SFX: BOOM!!
Chris Tarrant: What a disastress star, that is the wrong answer!
SFX: CROTCH KICK!
Chris Tarrant: Oh, martian!
Beulah: Whatever, Chris. And as for you, Mike, keep cool.
Abby: We'll help you up right away.
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays again, but the text reads "Comet TV.")
Sam: And I say Microsoft Mike really is an asswipe, and if he denies it once more, he's fired! You hear me? F-I-R-E-D fired!
Ethan: Calm down, Sam! You have no evidence to back up your claim, and Mike is right when he says he's not an asswipe!
Abby: I'm with you, Ethan!
Beulah: So am I.
Anna: So am I.
Mary: So am I.
Sam: This is mutiny! Get the rope!
LH Michael: Why, Sam?
LH Michelle: Just because you keep calling Mike an asswipe doesn't make it so.
Scotty: Well said, Michelle.
Jimmy: And you know something, Sam? You're becoming a real control freak.
Sam: Jeez! I've never seen so many mutineers in this studio!
Hank: Mutineers?
Guy: Since when does Microsoft Sam think he can play Captain Bligh to a bunch of Fletcher Christians?
Ethan: This isn't the HMS Bounty, Sam, so wake up from your delusions and apologize to Mike for calling him an asswipe.
Mike: Do what Ethan says, Sam. This is his video and his world; we're just living in it.
Sam: Take it easy, Sam. You know Mike and Ethan are right. Remain calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! ETHAN BRUCE, I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS YOUR FUCKING VIDEO AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF MICROSOFT MIKE! IT'S MY LIFE AND WHEN I SAY MIKE'S AN ASSWIPE I MEAN IT! ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE!!
SFX: BOOM!!
Ethan: Poor Sam. I think he really needs professional help.
Anna: I agree, Ethan. He's becoming too rough for us to handle.
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays once again, but the text reads "Mystery Science Wussie 3000.")
Scotty: "Mystery Science Wussie 3000?"
Guy: That's an insult! We're not wussies.
Jimmy: In Sam's mental state, he'd think we are.
Hank: What's his mental state? Bombed?
Ethan: Boiled!
Mike: I knew Sam would flip out someday.
Mary: He's gone insane.
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays yet again, but the text reads "Chips Ahoy Chunkie.")
Ethan: Chips Ahoy Chunkie?
Mike: Like Sam?
Mary: Sam's not chunked, just mad.
Ethan: Mad as the Devil?
(The Devil and She-Devil show up in the MST3K Intro version with the VID Theme accompanying them.)
Devil: Did somebody call my name?
She-Devil: And where is Microsoft Sam?
Beulah: Oh noes! The Devil and She-Devil again!
Abby: Lord God, have mercy on us!
Devil: Why do you keep mentioning the Almighty in front of us?
She-Devil: You know it makes our tails grow limp!
Ethan: Now look here, Mr. and Mrs. Mephistopheles! Sam's in psychiatric care right now, being treated for his chronic delusions.
Devil: Sam's gone mad? Good! He'll be the person I'd want to lead my armies into battle against the Almighty!
Ethan: You know you'll never win, no matter how many times you claim to have the power to do it.
She-Devil: Oh Ethan, I love it when you regale us with your flattery. You're my kind of person. 
Abby: Hold on there, She-Devil! You leave Ethan Bruce alone! He's mine!
She-Devil: You don't know who you're dealing with, bimbo!
Abby: Don't call me a bimbo!
She-Devil: I see you need something to calm you down. Let's see you handle this!
(Abby releasing power to the She-Devil)
*B-B-B-BOOM!*
Devil: Good shot, She-Devil!
She-Devil: Hey, I'm an unnatural.
Devil: Let's let the rest of them have it!
She-Devil: I agree with you! Bombs away!
(CENSORED)
*PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP*
Mike: Gugh! Not again! Eeeewww! Eeeeewwwww!
*Mike barfing*
Mary: That's your answer to everything! Relieving yourselves all over us! Eeeewww! Eeeeewwwww!
*Mary barfing*
Ethan: Disgusting, depraved and despicable! That's what you are! Eeeewww! Eeeeewwwww!
*Ethan barfing*
Angel: Ethan's right. That display is disgusting, depraved and despicable.
God: Take that, agents of waste mismanagement!
(God releasing his power to the Devil and She-Devil)
*GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!*
(Devil and She-Devil falling back)
*CRASH!*
Devil: Ouch! Beaten again! I must have been born to lose!
She-Devil: Our greatest chance to win foiled! Oh, our aching sphincters! Oww!
Angel: You're all cleaned up now and you can resume your video.
Ethan: Thank God!
God: You're welcome, Ethan.
Beulah: Are you alright, Abby?
Abby: Who... What... Where am I?
Beulah: You're in the studio. Everything's gonna be all right.
Abby: Thank God!
God: You're welcome, Abby.
Devil: Oh rectum!
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays yet again, but this time, the text reads "The Wiggles Go Bananas.")
Scotty: The Wiggles Go Bananas?
Beulah: I'd love to eat bananas with you, Scotty.
Ethan: Perhaps after we finish this video.
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays yet again, but this time, the text reads "Dole.")
Jimmy: Dole?
Hank: What we wear when it's cool.
Guy: If Sam were here, he'd speak of another kind of a dole food. [BOOSH!}
Abby: Eeeww! Go clean yourself up, Guy! [BOOSH!] Uh-oh! Spoke too soon again.
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays yet again, but this time, the text reads "Ghostbusters.")
Mike: Ghostbusters?
Mary: Everything but Harvey! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(The MST3K Season 9 Intro plays one last time, but this time, the text reads "CBS Program in Color" with the announcer saying "CBS Presents this Program in Color.")
Scotty: Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again.
Ethan: Youthinks right, Scotty. I wonder how Sam is doing.
Anna: They're treating him well in the psychatric hospital. The doctor recommended he take a short sabbatical from these videos.
Mike: Shouldn't you be there to give him therapy?
Anna: My license just lapsed.
Ethan: Sorry to hear that, Anna. We'll take good care of you until Sam recovers.
Anna: Thanks, Ethan. I feel better already.
Mike: So do the rest of us, except for Guy and Abby.
Beulah: They've caught Montezuma's Revenge.
Scotty: Which means bed and bathroom for at lest 24 hours.
Ethan: Pugh! Then let's take a few days off ourselves while they fumigate the place.
Anna: Good thinkin', Ethan!
Sam: Places everyone! Roll camera! Cue the planet!
(Looney Tunes)
Sam: Uh, Scotty?
Scotty: What's up, Sam?
Sam: The logo is supposed to display "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not "Looney Tunes." We are not with davemadson at the moment.
Scotty: Tscha! I'm wrong number then!
Mike: He's got a point, Sam.
Sam: Don't encourage him, Mike!
(Merrie Melodies)
Mary: They're playing my song again.
Ethan: Do you always have to say that when the "Merrie Melodies" caption appears?
Mary: I can't help it, Ethan. It's one of my habits.
Anna: And you know what they say: "Old habits die hard."
Sam: And so do logo operators who constantly didn't futz with the MST3K intro.
Scotty: Sheesh!
Sam: And shush the sheesh!
(KFC)
Jimmy: KFC?
Hank: Who are they?
Guy: I had pets by that name, but they had to be put to sleep.
Ethan: Why is that, Guy?
Guy: Illness and fatigue.
Sam: Guy's neighbors got sick and tired of them! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Guy: Chill, Guy.
It's only a sick joke.
Stay
cool.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum
is
coming
on!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!
MICROSOFT SAM, I LOVED THOSE PETS SO STOP HATING ON ME
YOU BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD!!!
*BOOM!!*
(Sonic the Hedgehog)
Beulah: Sonic the Hedgehog?
Abby: More like a hedgehog! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sam: SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Scotty: You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam?
Sam: Yes, I bellowed, Scotty! Since when did Sonic the Hedgehog appear in an MST3K TV show? He worked for SEGA, not Best Brains!
LH Michael: He worked in a urinal? That's gross!
LH Michelle: I agree, Michael. Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwww!
*LH Michelle barfing*
Sam: Now look here, Scotty! Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson, Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, Crow, TV's Frank and Dr. Forrester are all MST3K characters, but Sonic the Hedgehog is not!
Scotty: In the words of Steve Martin, well excuuuuuuuuuuuuse meee!
Chris Tarrant: Oh dear, you selected the wrong answer! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian!
Sam: RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY, YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIRED!!
Scotty: Fired? Fired!?
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!
MICROSOFT SAM, IF YOU DON'T RE-HIRE ME I'LL KILL MYSELF AND DON'T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE YOU WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE
YOU DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS!!
*BOOM!!*
Sam: Bullshit! Your ouster is justified and I forbid you from coming back here again! I mean it! Out you go! 
[CRASH!]
Ethan: Microsoft Sam! What did I tell you about being a control freak?
Sam: Sorry, Ethan, but Scotty's becoming too much of an asswipe! 
Ethan: Do you want me to tell Mr. Best Brains on you?
Beulah: You'd better do as Ethan says, Sam. Scotty and I love each other too much.
Abby: I just got a call from Scotty saying that if he's not allowed back here, he'll resort to drastic measures.
Sam: Take it easy, Sam.
You know you shouldn't be a control freak.
Remain
calm.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
ETHAN BRUCE, I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS YOUR FUCKING VIDEO AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF SCOTTY KILLS HIMSELF!
IT'S MY LIFE AND I GOT A RIGHT TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO
YOU BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD!!
*BOOM!!*
Anna: Sam? Are you all right?
Sam: I'm all right, Anna. Why did I fire Scotty for messing up the MST3K intro?
Anna: Don't worry, Sam. You know Mr. Best Brains likes these bloopers. If you want, we can bring Scotty back here.
Sam: Thanks, Anna. I feel so much better now.
(Viacom V of Doom)
Scotty: How do you like them apples, Sam?
Sam: Nice try, Scotty, but the V of Doom doesn't scare me anymore.
(Screen Gems S from Hell)
Sam: Not the S from Hell.
(BnD Mask of Guo Xiang)
Sam: Not the Mask of Guo Xiang.
(Klasky-Csupo Robot)
Scotty: Not even the Klasky-Csupo Robot, Sam?
Sam: Not even the Klasky-Csupo Robot, Scotty.
Scotty: Oh coccyx!
(Master of None)
Beulah: Look, Abby. It's the Master of None.
Abby: I've never seen that one logo in an MST3K Intro Bloopers video before.
Sam: Oh waiter, I'll have a bowl of Split soup to go! Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
(The Angry P-Head!)
Ethan: Heavens! This is the first time that the Angry P-Head appears in my video!
Angry P-Head: That's right, Ethan Bruce!
Sam: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!! Not the Angry P-Head! No no no no no no no no no no no no no noooooooooooooooooooooo!!
Angry P-Head: Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Mike: That infernal logo must have come straight from Hell. 
Mary: I agree. It's even scarier than the V of Doom, the S from Hell, the Mask of Guo Xiang and the Klasky-Csupo Robot all rolled into one.
Anna: So what brings you here, Angry P-Head? 
Angry P-Head: I have an urgent message for Ethan Bruce from the Devil and She-Devil.
Ethan: The Devil and She-Devil? Why, we banned them from here!
Angry P-Head: I know that, you asswipe!
Sam: Stop calling my friend an asswipe!
Angry P-Head: Never mind! The message regards the Devil and She-Devil's ban from Ethan Bruce Films Inc.
Scotty: So what does it say?
Angry P-Head: The Devil and She-Devil claim their ban from Ethan Bruce Films Inc. is unconstitutional and demand to be allowed back.
Ethan: That claim is frivolous and I can easily call on God and the Angel to beat them back.
Angry P-Head: And if you don't allow the Devil and She-Devil back, they will send scary logos to shit all over you, starting with me.
Sam: Disgusting!
Anna: You know you can never win.
Angry P-Head: Shut up! You asked for it! Bombs away!
(CENSORED)
*PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP*
Sam: Gugh! Not again! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeeewwww!
*Sam barfing*
Ethan: You filthiest of the filth! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwww!
*Ethan barfing*
Anna: How dare you relieve yourself on Sam and Ethan! Take that!
(Anna releasing his power to The Angry P-Head)
*GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!*
Angry P-Head: Curses! You win this time, but we'll be back for revenge!
God: And they'll have the Angel and I to protect them.
Angry P-Head: Oh Fallopian tubes!
(Plants vs. Zombies)
LH Michael: Did you have your Plants vs. Zombies yesterday morning?
LH Michelle: Yeah. It was cold as a brass monkey.
(MST3K KTMA)
Scotty: Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again.
Sam: Youthinks right, Scotty, but let's try once more.
(That's all Folks!)
Ethan: We almost got it, only the body of the television is missing.
Anna: Maybe we should call in a detective.
Ethan: A detective?
Anna: Yeah, Ethan. To search for the missing body! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sam: Welcome to the club, Anna!
Ethan: Well, it's lunchtime. I'm all for going out to eat.
Mike: So am I.
Mary: Me too.
Scotty: So where are we eating?
Ethan: I hear that French restaurant has re-opened and is under new management.
Sam: What French restaurant?
Ethan reading: CHEZ MONYOU!!!
Sam: Oh coccyx!
Sam: Places everyone! Roll camera! Cue the planet!
(Mystery Science Theater Bras)
Sam: Uh, Scotty?
Scotty: You called me, Sam?
Sam: I didn't call you Sam. I'm Sam.
Dave: It seems to me I've heard that line before.
Sam: You misspelled the caption at the bottom. It should say "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not "Mystery Science Theater Bras."
Mike: Mystery Science Theater Bras?
Mary: I wish I had one of those.
Anna: So do I.
Beulah: So do I.
Abby: So do I.
Sam: 3-0-0-0, not B-R-A-S, you dig?
Scotty: Hey man, you're a real cool cat!
Sam: Uh... yeah.
(Mystery Science Theater Bris)
Jimmy: Mystery Science Theater Bris?
Hank: I didn't know Mr. Best Brains was jewish! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Guy: Oy vey!
(Mystery Science Theater Bries)
LH Michael: Mystery Science Theater Bries? So Mr. Best Brains has a cheese shop now?
LH Michelle: Personally, I could go for a Monterey Jack or a Swiss.
Ethan: Me, I'd settle for good old Wisconsin cheddar.
Sam: SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Scotty: SAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!
Sam: Why must you mock me, Scotty?
Scotty: I already know what you're gonna say, Sam. These bloopers are getting cheesier every day.
Sam: You better hope you're not getting what I will give if you keep fucking up the captions, Scotty.
Scotty: Oh, so it's all about me, huh? That's not Gouda! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sam: Oh Stilton!
(Mystery Science Theater Bliss)
Mike: Mystery Science Theater Bliss.
Mary: We can almost feel the spirit of Pearl Forrester with us now.
Sam: Scotty, come here.
Scotty: What did I do wrong this time to merit punishment from you, Sam?
Sam: The caption should read "Mystery Science Theater 3000," not "Mystery Science Theater Bliss."
Scotty: Sam, why are you always treating me like a little kid?
Sam: Because you're always acting like one, you dime-a-dozen bum!
Scotty: I'm not a dime-a-dozen bum!
Sam: You are too a dime-a-dozen bum!
Scotty: I am not!
Sam: You are too!
Scotty: I am not!!
Sam: You are too!!
Scotty: I am not!!!
Sam: You are too!!!
Dave: Break it up you two, and let's get on with this MST3K intro!
(Mystery Science Theater Blues)
LH Michael: I got the Mystery Science Theater Blues. I feel so blue.
LH Michelle: Because Sam berates Scotty and we're crying "boo-hoo!"
LH Michael: Sometimes we don't know what to do.
LH Michelle: Because Sam keeps firing Scotty and making us all blue.
Ethan: That's why we've all got the Mystery Science Theater Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuues! Yeah!
Chris Tarrant: Oh no, that's the wrong answer! You've just lost... ...100 pounds! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian!
(Mystery Science Theater Bass)
Jimmy: Mystery Science Theater Bass? You mean Best Brains has merged with Rankin-Bass?
Hank: Joel Hodgson meets Smokey the Bear.
Guy: And Mike Nelson meets King Kong.
Sam: RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY!! YOU'RE FIRED!!
Scotty: Fired? FIRED!?
Sam: Yes, fired! I've had enough of you! Out you go!
[CRASH!]
(Mystery Science Theater Boss)
Mr. Best Brains: Attention! Paging Microsoft Sam! Paging Microsoft Sam!
Sam: This is Microsoft Sam. Who's calling?
Mr. Best Brains: This is Mr. Best Brains.
Sam: What do you want?
Mr. Best Brains: Did you just fire Radar Overseer Scotty again?
Sam: Yes I did, sir, because he keeps fucking up the MST3K intro.
Mr. Best Brains: Re-hire him immediately!
Sam: With all due respect, sir, I'll never bring that dime-a-dozen bum back here, and that's final!
Mr. Best Brains: If you don't re-hire Radar Overseey Scotty, I'll have you impaled on the MST3K planet!
Sam: Stay calm, Sam.
The big boss is talking to you.
Remain
calm.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
MR. BEST BRAINS, CAN'T YOU SEE I'VE GOTTA HAVE SOME AUTHORITY AROUND HERE?
I STILL SAY RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY IS A DIME-A-DOZEN BUM, YOU HEAR ME?
HE'S A BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM!!!!
*BOOM!!*
Mr. Best Brains: Throwing tantrums over it won't help, Sam. Now, bring Radar Overseer Scotty back at once, and that's an order!
Sam: Yessir. Asswipe!
Mr. Best Brains: I heard that!
Sam: Sheesh!
Mr. Best Brains: And shush the sheesh!
(Mystery Science Theater Boos)
Beulah: Mystery Science Theater Booze?
Abby: Well, when Mr. Best Brains dressed Sam down, he sure sounded drunk! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ethan: Not B-double O-Z-E, B-double O-S.
Abby: Sorry, Ethan.
(Mystery Science Theater Bees)
Scotty: Mystery Science Theater Bees? They must have come from the hive! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Beulah: Hey Scotty, do you know about the birds and the bees?
Scotty: Well, they both have wings.
Abby: And if we had wings, we'd all fly like eagles.
Sam: Oh to fly like an eagle to the sea.
Mike: And let my spirit carry me.
Scotty: It's hard to soar with eagles when you're surrounded by a bunch of turkeys.
Sam: Of which Microsoft Mike is one! Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Mike: Take it easy, Mike.
Stay
cool.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum
coming
on
now!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!
MICROSOFT SAM, I AM NOT A TURKEY SO STOP CALLING ME A TURKEY
YOU DIRTY BIRD DIRTY BIRD DIRTY BIRD DIRTY BIRD DIRTY BIRD DIRTY BIRD DIRTY BIRD DIRTY BIRD!!!
*BOOM!!*
(Mystery Science Theater Blitz)
Mike: Mystery Science Theater Blitz?
Mary: What's a Mystery Science Theater Blitz?
Anna: It's a steady onslaught of Best Brains TV shows! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ethan: And the result of Mr. Best Brains nailing Sam to the MST3K planet because of the way he treats Scotty.
Sam: Don't mention that to me, Ethan. It makes my skin crawl!
Scotty: Like a scary logo?
(Two Headed P-Head)
Sam: AAAAAAAGGGHHH!! Why does the Two Headed P-Head appear in this video? We are not with davemadson!
Two Headed P-Head: I came to comfort down the videos of Ethan Bruce.
Ethan: You?
Two Headed P-Head: Yes, I did.
Anna: What brings you here, Two Headed P-Head?
Two Headed P-Head: I've come for Microsoft Sam's soul.
Sam: You can't have it!
Two Headed P-Head: Since Ethan Bruce banned the Devil and She-Devil from appearing in his videos, they organized the Legion of Scary Logos.
Anna: "Scary" is right! How dare you scare Microsoft Sam!
Two Headed P-Head: That Sam is afraid of us proves his guilt. He is to be taken to Satan's Kingdom for eternal torment right now!
Sam: What!? Eternal torment? No no no no no no no no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooooooo!!
Two Headed P-Head: If Sam doesn't surrender, I will shit all over the lot of you!
Anna: Don't you dare get filthy with us! Take that!
[Anna releasing power to the Two Headed P-Head]
*GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!!*
Anna: There's no need to worry, Sam. I sent that Two-Headed P-Head back where it belongs.
Sam: Thanks, Anna. You saved my life again.
(MST3K Season 8)
Jimmy: MST3K Season 8.
Hank: Isn't Scotty jumping the gun a little?
Guy: Better than jumping the shark.
(Mystery Science Merrie Melodies)
Mary: They're playing my song again!
Sam: Oh, stop it!
Mary: Stop what, Sam?
Sam: Every time the Merrie Melodies caption appears, Microsoft Mary says "They're playing my song again!" It's just too annoying!
Ethan: It's not annoying, Sam. Mary just feels like saying that.
Mary: That's true, Ethan. It's a habit I just can't get rid of.
Sam: So get rid of that habit, you bitch!
Mary: Take it easy, Mary.
Sam doesn't mean it.
Keep
your
cool.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum
coming
on!
EE-YOW-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W!
MICROSOFT SAM, I FORBID YOU TO CALL ME A BITCH AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME?
YOU ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE!
*BOOM!!*
Mike: Are you all right, Mary?
Mary: I'm all right, Mike. Sam's calling me a bitch just pisses me off.
Sam: I'm sorry, Mary, but I just can't help it.
Anna: Just because you called Mary a bitch doesn't make it so, Sam.
Sam: I get it.
(Mystery Science That's all Folks)
LH Michelle: Mystery Science That's all Folks.
LH Michael: "An Evening at Dargin Robbin."
Sam: Hahahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Ethan: Lunch!
Beulah: Good! I'm hungry.
Abby: So am I.
Scotty: So am I.
Anna: Wanna go dutch, Sam?
Sam: I thought you'd never ask.
Ethan: And Scotty's buying for the rest of us.
Scotty: Oh splatter!
Sam: Places everyone!
Etan: Good morning to you, good morning to you.
Mike: We're all in our places.
Mary: With bright shiny faces.
Anna: And in Mr. Best Brains's good graces.
Scotty: Microsoft Sam's all aces.
Jimmy: A timeliness no one erases.
Hank: What's with all the poetry?
Guy: A prose is a prose.
Beulah: A prose by any other name would sound as sweet.
Abby: Whisper sweet nothings to me, Ethan.
Ethan: After this video, Abby. I promise.
LH Michael: We have promises to keep.
LH Michelle: And miles to go before we sleep.
Sam: If I may continue...
Ethan: Go ahead, Sam. Nobody's stopping you.
Sam: Roll camera! Cue the planet!
(Mystery Science Theater 3000) 
BOOM!!
(M s t y S i n e T e t r 3 0 )
Mike: Holy Schneikees! Did you see that, Mary?
Mary: That's the first time I've seen the MST3K planet explode.
Anna: And it blew some of the letters on the captions away.
Sam: SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Scotty: You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaam?
Sam: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIRED!!
Scotty: Fired? FIRED!?
Sam: Yes, fired! Blowing up the planet was the last straw!
Scotty: I didn't blow up the MST3K planet, Sam!
Sam: Don't you dare lie to me! Out you go!
[CRASH!]
Mr. Best Brains: Attention! Paging Microsoft Sam! Paging Microsoft Sam!
Sam: This is Microsoft Sam.
Mr. Best Brains: This is Mr. Best Brains. Report to my office on the double! And that's an order!
Sam: Yessir. Asswipe!
Mr. Best Brains: Shut up and get in here right now!
(Chupa Chups)
Jimmy: Look, a Chupa Chups!
Hank: Don't eat it, Jimmy! It's full of ants!
Guy: And Beulah just ate one of those chips!
Beulah: You mean there were ants in that chips? Sick! Gross! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwww!
[Beulah barfing]
(Hollister)
Abby: Hollister!
Ethan: Holy shit!
Abby: Yes, Ethan. Holy. Hollister.
Ethan: One of them and it would be Holy.
LH Michael: Gypsy, Tom Servo's after you.
LH Michelle: Crow, if he catches you, you're through.
(Head & Shoulders)
Mike: Head & Shoulders. The store following Head & Shampoos.
Mary: And preceding Water.
Anna: Don't you know that Sam doesn't like having commercial plugs in an MST3K TV show?
Jimmy: He's not here, Anna.
Hank: He's in Mr. Best Brains's office right now.
Guy: What did Sam do wrong now?
Ethan: Mr. Best Brains's upset at Sam firing Scotty again.
Anna: I hope he's not too rough on him.
(Heinz)
Beulah: Heinz hits the spot.
Abby: I'm allergic to Heinz. What next? LEGO?
(LEGO)
Ethan: NOW CUT THAT OUT!!
Anna: Take it easy, Ethan. You're starting to act like Sam.
Etan: Which reminds me: where is he?
Scotty: He's still in Mr. Best Brains's office.
Beulah: Scotty! You're back!
Abby: We thought Sam fired you.
Ethan: Yeah, but when Mr. Best Brains called Sam into his office, I called a lawyer and got him to rescind Scotty's firing and bring him back.
Scotty: Thanks, Ethan.
(Barg's)
Jimmy: Barg's.
Hank: The barrel that moves.
Guy: I thought it was a cooking barrel. I used it in the dressing for the salad that Abby had for dinner last night.
Abby: Don't remind me, Guy! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwww!
[Abby barfing]
Ethan: Has anybody seen Sam lately?
(Nailing Sam to the MST3K Planet)
(Jarring Chord)
Ethan: SAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!
Anna: What happened to you, Sam?
Sam: Mr. Best Brains nailed me to the MST3K Planet.
Scotty: Holy Schneikees, Sam! Are you all right?
Sam: I thought I fired you, Scotty. What are you doing back here?
Ethan: I rescinded his firing and brought him back.
Scotty: You had it coming for kicking me out of here one too many times, Sam.
Sam: If I had my strength back, I'd have you nailed to this planet. Now will you please free me?
Anna: Keep cool, Sam.
Ethan: We'll have you freed in a jiffy.
(Volvo)
Beulah: Volvo.
Abby: They're the guys who run YouTube.
Sam: Thanks for freeing me, but Scotty, may I ask you a question?
Scotty: Go ahead, Sam.
Sam: Why the hell did you come back here anyway?
Ethan: Because I rescinded Scotty's firing and re-hired him, that's why! Hahahahahahahahahahah soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Sam: Take it easy, Sam.
Remember who's in charge here.
Remain
calm.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!
ETHAN BRUCE, I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS YOUR FUCKING VIDEO
AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT MR. BEST BRAINS DID TO ME!
IT'S MY LIFE AND I'M GETTING RID OF THAT LAWYER BECAUSE HE'S A SHYSTER, YOU HEAR ME?
SHYSTER SHYSTER SHYSTER SHYSTER SHYSTER SHYSTER SHYSTER SHYSTER!
*BOOM!!*
Chris Tarrant: I'm afraid that is the wrong answer. *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian!
Sam: Actually, I'm right! Tell me I've got the right answer now, or else!
Chris Tarrant: No! *CROTCH KICK!* Oh, martian!
(Devil and She-Devil)
(ViD Theme)
Devil: Surprise, Ethan Bruce and friends!
She-Devil: You didn't expect to see us back here again, did you?
Ethan: The Devil and She-Devil!? Why, we banned them from here! What are they doing back?
Devil: For your information, Ethan, the ban on us from appearing in your videos has been rescinded.
Ethan: Rescinded!? What kind of shyster would pull that crazy stunt?
She-Devil: We're only here because this "shyster" challenged the ban in court.
Devil: And he succeeded in inserting an emergency clause stipulating that if Sam or anyone else throw any more tantrums, the ban would be null and void.
She-Devil: And when we heard Sam throwing a tantrum over the issue of Scotty's employment here, it canceled the ban.
Ethan: Take it easy, Ethan.
The legal process is a complicated one.
Stay
cool.
Uh-oh!
Tantrum
is
coming
on!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!
MICROSOFT SAM, I KNOW THIS IS ALL YOUR DOING!
TELL THAT SHYSTER LAWYER WHO RESCINDED THE BAN ON THE DEVIL AND SHE-DEVIL COMING BACK HERE THAT HE'S FIRED, YOU HEAR ME?
YOU ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE!!
*BOOM!!*
Angel: Are you all right, Ethan?
Ethan: I'm mad at that shyster lawer who allowed the Devil and She-Devil to come back here, that's all.
God: If they do anything to you, they will feel My Wrath.
Devil: Ethan throws a tantrum over our being allowed to return here and fires his lawyer?
She-Devil: That's music to our ears. Now we can do to them whatever we want to do.
Devil: Shall we let them have it?
She-Devil: Let's do it! Bombs away!
(CENSORED)
[PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP]
Sam: Gugh! Not again! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww!
[Sam barfing]
Mike: That's what got you two banned from here! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww!
[Mike barfing]
Mary: Why can't that ban be permanent? Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww!
[Mary barfing]
Anna: I second that sentiment! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww!
[Anna barfing]
Ethan: And I'm appealing the rescinding of that ban! Eeeewww! Eeeeeewwww!
[Ethan barfing]
Angel: This act is disgraceful!
God: How dare you relieve yourselves in My Presence! Take that!
[God releasing power to The Devil and She-Devil]
*GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!!*
[The Devil and She-Devil falling back]
*LOUD CRASH!!*
Devil: Curses! Foiled again!
She-Devil: Where is that shyster lawyer? We wanna hire him to prevent the ban from being reinstated.
Angel: You're all cleaned up now and you may resume your video.
Ethan: Thank God!
God: You're welcome.
Devil: Oh sphincter!
(Mystery Science Theater 3000 Season 6 Intro)
LH Michael: Look, Michelle. Do you see what I see?
LH Michelle: They got the MST3K intro right for once.
Sam: We did it!
Scotty: Oh, it was nothing.
Jimmy: What do you mean "nothing?"
Hank: Another series of bloopers and we finally get it right.
Guy: After all we've been through, we deserve a happy ending.
Beulah: This calls for a celebration!
Abby: Let's all have a party!
Mr. Best Brains: Congratulations! You've gotten the MST3K intro right for once!
Mike: Thank you, Mr. Best Brains.
Mary: It's nice to get something right for a change.
Anna: I agree.
Mr. Best Brains: I've got to leave on a big business trip, but you guys can party till the cows come home.
Sam: Thank you, Mr. Best Brains.
Ethan: Let's all go out to celebrate getting the MST3K intro right!
Scotty: Where are we going, Ethan?
Ethan: Where else?
Ethan reading: CHEZ MONYOU!!!
Scotty: Oh coccyx!