Bartok the Magnificent (1999)/Transcript

==Transcript==
In the Russian woods
There's an evil witch
People only whisper
of her name in fright
Teeth of sharpened iron
Hands that catch the wind
Steals the children sleeping
in their beds at night
She flies in a mortar and pestle
Through darkened Russian skies
lf you see her
running would be wise
Baba Yaga
- Baba Yaga
- Baba Yaga
The witch of the Iron Forest
Her evil is next to none
Baba Yaga
- Baba Yaga
- Baba Yaga
The wolves are afraid to chase her
The wind is afraid to race her
All Russia's afraid to face her
Except for one
Bartok: Women and children in front.
Gentlemen behind, please. Don't push.
- Plenty of room for everybody, sir.
- Oh!
Now, don't try this at home.
Part of the show.
Totally planned.
Stay with me now, folks,
'cause here comes the good stuff.
Once in Mongolia
I noticed a fire
Whole city burnin'
and the flames gettin' higher
They're yelling
"Save us or we're all gonna bake"
I ate the flames
and then I drank the whole lake
They called me
Bartok the Magnificent
The specifically
terrifically Magnificent
A mammal so inflammable
he saved the day
I tell you, B-A-R-T-O-K
Folks, that's pounds of pressure.
Go over there at once and put a stop
to that inane little bat.
No, Ludmilla.
Leave him alone.
I like him.
He's funny.
- Your Highness, can you-
- Yes?
As you wish.
Leave him be.
Folks, this here's a dragon,
an exact replica.
 tons easy.
A fire spitter.
Kill you with a flick of the tail.
Careful there, sir.
Better safe than sorry.
One time in Hungary
this dragon appears
He's very "hungary"
No dinner in years
And then he grabs me
and I'm practically through
But I summon all my strength...
and using the dragon's body weight
against him, I throw him off me.
And I give him a one to the solar plexus
and a two to the kidneys.
He was deflated
'cause I knew my kung fu
That's why
I'm Bartok the Magnificent
With a " Hah"
and a " Hy-ah" that are significant
That dragon hasn't eaten
since that fateful day
Thanks to B-A-R-T-O-K
Bartok the Magnificent
Undeniably, reliably magnificent
And heaven help
a harpy who gets in my way
I guess I'm just a natural
or so they say
This bat'll
go to battle for you, come what may
- I tell you
- B-A-
R-T-OOOOOOOOO
- O-K
- Great crowd. Good people.
Oh, please, you're too kind.
Show's over.
- Thank goodness.
- Thank goodness.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey! Okay.
Not so fast there, big fella.
Oh, really?
- Why don't you try this on for size?
Abraca- Watch it!
Now, watch very closely.
There's a half hitch.
And here's a sailor's breastplate,
and this one's called
"ropin' the bear."
Yes! Yes!
Hey, thanks a lot, folks, really.
Thank you. That's too kind-
Oh! Wow.
Thank you. That's too kind-
Oh! Wow.
Bravo! Bravo!
Prince Ivan, that-
that is a ring for a Romanoff.
- No commoner may ever wear that.
- Why?
Because-
Because that is
how it has always been.
Well, perhaps it's time for a change.
Ah, ah.
Very well, Your Highness.
- Let us go.
- Thank you for helping my people!
Please, don't be silly.
It was the least I could do.
- Bye!
- Wow. Would you look
at the shine on that?
You can't go around...
giving royaljewels to commoners,
especially street performers.
- You only encourage them.
- Well, I wanted to encourage him.
Ludmilla, don't be that way.
The people like the bat.
Did you see how he made them smile?
- It was nice to see them happy.
- Nonsense.
I thought he was funny.
- Vol, what do you think?
- I thought so.
When the feathers cleared...
and the bat's standing there
holding a chicken-
- That's good stuff.
- See?
Or-When he punched the-
Silence.
Yes, Your Highness, I know.
But one day you'll be czar.
You must show respect
for your crown.
If you don't,
how can you expect the peasants to?
Your Highness,
are you listening to me?
I'm tired of listening to you,
Ludmilla.
If I am the future czar,
then I will do as I choose.
And it is you
who must respect the crown.
My apologies.
One for me and one for me.
One, two, three for me.
One, two, three...
for me.
And one, two, three, four for me.
- And- Aah!
Why do you do that?
I hate when you do that.
Ah, that never fails to amuse me.
- Ha ha ha.
- Oh, come now.
You're certainly not going to let
the fact that I got the better of you...
ruin quite possibly one of
our finer performances to date, hmm?
You were inspiring today:
focused, fully in the moment,
exceeding well beyond
what your talent would indicate.
- Thanks a lot.
- And l-
Well, suffice it to say
the performance of my death today...
would have shamed Prometheus.
Bound to a cliff-
Okay, okay. Okay, Zozi,
with the cliff and the thing. Sheesh!
I wish you could hear yourself.
It's really quite irritating.
Critics.
And what, pray tell, are you doing now?
I'm divvying up the spoils.
What do you mean?
This again.
Why not just pool our assets?
We're always together as it is.
No, no, no.
Fair is fair.
You're not planning on keeping that,
are you?
What are you talking about?
He gave it to me.
Yes, but he's a child.
It is a ring for royalty,
and you should know better.
Yeah, well, maybe I don't.
Well, I can only hope
one day you will.
There we go.
Perfectly balanced,
my friend. Here.
- Perfectly balanced?
- Oh, yeah.
- Both sides are the same?
- Exactly even.
Good. Then you won't mind
if I take this side.
Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second there, fella.
What happened
to pooling our assets?
- Will you give
the prince back his ring?
- Well, what's the hurry?
He's not going anywhere.
Sheesh!
Oh.
Oh, this can't be.
But last night he was
in his bed, and he-
- Have you searched the grounds? And?
- Every inch. Nothing.
- He's gone.
- Oh, imbecile.
Wha- Oh, good heavens.
What is this?
A clue.
We must inform the peasants.
- Good people of Moscow.
The prince has been kidnapped.
- But I know who has stolen our czar.
For she left this iron tooth behind.
Baba Yaga!
- Baba Yaga!
- Oh!
Yes. Baba Yaga.
Can anyone help us?
Think, good people, think.
Who- Who can rescue our prince
from the evil Baba Yaga?
I know someone.
Hey, Zozi,
will you take it easy up there?
Aargh!
Avast there, me pint-sized matey.
Man the helm.
Batten down the hatches.
Rough seas ahead.
There's a storm a-comin'.
Heave ho!
Hard a-starboard!
All hands, clear the deck.
Splice the mainsail.
Enemies on the horizon.
- What, somebody's comin' ?
- Aargh!
I spy with my- my little eye...
Cossacks. Cossacks!
Cossacks! I knew you shouldn't
have kept that ring!
Quick, hide. If they see you're
not dead, we will be. Hurry!
Hurry. Hide.
- Halt!
- All righty. Halting.
Are you Bartok the Magnificent?
Uh, no. No, I'm not.
Never have been.
-Although I hear he is quite gifted.
A real talent.
- Silence!
All right, I'lljust be quiet then.
That's no problem for me to be quiet.
- I'lljust shush it right down.
- What is that?
Uh- Ooh.
That's Bertok.
Bertok the Magnificent.
It's really quite different. I take
my show in a whole nother direction.
You are coming with us.
Oh, no, fellas, I really-
I have a thing-
Okay, then, that'll be fun.
Hello, Your Royal Impressiveness.
Listen, if this is about the ring,
just take it.
Bow before the Regent. Bow!
Okay, there. Bowing, bowing. Don't have
to tell me twice. I love a good bow.
Oh, Bartok the Magnificent,
we're so glad you came.
- Please, l- You are?
- Hmm?
- Our young czar has been taken
by the evil witch Baba Yaga.
- Aah!
Our people and the royal family
have called on you to save him.
- Ah-huh.
- Don't even think-
Go to the Iron Forest...
and return with our czar.
Uh, good people
of the fair city of Moscow,
it would give me no greater pleasure
than to risk my life...
so that I might bring back
your fabulous prince.
I mean that. I wouldn't just say that.
He's really something special.
Unfortunately,
my schedule is extremely tight.
Let's see.
I've got a Hydra in St. Petersburg.
I gotta be in the Ukraine on the th.
I can't get outta that.
Perhaps I could squeeze it in
when I get back from Minsk.
I assure you,
you will be handsomely rewarded.
No, no, really, l-
- Well, perhaps I could push
the Hydra to June.
l- l- I mean no.
I really- I can't.
Hydra, terrible, eight heads,
flailing about, eatin' people.
It's- It's not pretty.
But thank you. Thank you very much.
Mr. Bartok?
Oh, boy, here comes trouble.
Oh, please, magnificent Bartok,
save my czar.
Don't do it.
Um, well, you see,
it's- it's complicated, but-
-but, um,
- l-
- Please.
- Ah, I'll do it.
- Oh, no.
Hey, come on, huh?
How often do you get to rescue a czar ?
Yea, Bartok!
- Or eaten by a witch?
- Thank you.
Okay, thanks for the send-off, fellas.
I'll... take it from here.
Zozi, how's it going in there?
Uh, listen,
I'll let you out in a second,
but first I just wanna let you know...
what a very special friend
I think you are.
You're warm, you're affectionate,
you're supportive,
honest, thrifty, clean, reverent-
You're furious.
You're upset with me, aren't you?
You're peeved, you're miffed.
You can say it. Go ahead.
You're fuming. You're incensed.
- Bartok-
- Hang on. I'm not finished.
- You're irate. You're beside yourself.
- Bartok-
I mean, literally,
you're here and yet you're here.
You see, the- You get it?
Because you're here and yet-
All right, they all can't be gems,
all right? I'm done.
I believe we should do it.
It was the little girl.
She killed me.
Did you hear the lilt in her voice?
Nobody could resist that.
- I'm sorry. What did you say?
- We should do it.
- We should?
- Yes.
- Now, there's no denying
it will be difficult.
- Right, exactly.
- Even dangerous.
- Dangerous?
Okay, well, then that's it. We're
definitely going to St. Petersburg.
Bartok, these people asked you
to help them for a reason.
Because they saw
something in you.
Is it so hard for you
to see it in yourself?
Somebody needs you
And that's how it starts
Someone believes you'll come through
You're scared
So what
I'll bet you've got
A possible hero in you
It's more than courage
or just being strong
Those things are easy to do
Have faith
Take heart
He's kind, he's smart
That possible hero in you
- Close your eyes
- I think I see it.
You're unafraid
It just might be.
I can almost predict
No more tricks, no more false pretenses
from the back of a wagon.
Maybe I'll save a life someday.
Or slay a dragon
- Somebody needs you
- What else can you do
But take your chances and see
We're on our way
- All right?
- Okay.
A possible hero
Impossible hero
A possible hero
- In you
- In me?
Yes, you.
In me
Gee, who does her landscaping?
Okay, well, it's official.
I'm frightened.
Well, there's your witch's hut.
Gee, looky here.
I'm terribly sorry.
Did I startle you?
Yah, yah.
You could say that.
Mmm.
Now, why have you come here?
l-I've come for Prince Ivan.
Delightful.
And how might I help you?
Well, you just let him in here
to talk to that evil witch Baba Yaga.
- He'll handle the rest.
- And you're certain
you're up to the task?
Have you ever heard
of Bartok the Magnificent?
- Oh, should I have?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you like riddles?
- Riddles?
- Riddles?
- Could you answer one?
If I do, will you let me in?
Why not? Let me see.
Oh. Ready?
If a section of fence
is feet long and feet wide...
and the parallel section
is the same length,
but both perpendicular sections
are twice as long-
Carry the six, plus the two-
What is the key
that will open the witch's door ?
I'm sorry. I lost you there.
What was that last part?
What is the key
that will open the witch's door ?
- I thought it was an arithmetic thing.
- A skeleton key.
That's exactly
what I was just gonna say.
A skeleton key.
Zozi, you jumped the gun on me there.
Come on.
- Ooooh!
- Hey!
Mmm-mm-mm.
Did you hear me say...
you could go in?
You go on ahead.
I'll wait for you here.
- But-
- Apparently, I'm not permitted.
And as much as it might pain me
to not be with you
at this criticaljuncture in your life,
I accept it, fully aware,
as you should be,
that I am with you in spirit.
- In spirit, huh?
- Always.
"Once more into the breach,
dear friends, once more.
Or close the wall up
with our English dead in peace."
Thanks for mentioning the dead, really.
That's real helpful.
- Hmm.
Whoa-oh.
Oh, would you look at that?
Hello!
Prince Ivan?
Anybody home?
Hmm?
Who...
is in my house?
I smell a rat.
A witch's life
is very solitary
No one around
to talk to but trees
So many years
of never makin' merry
But I can feel
a change in the breeze
'Cause tonight there's
no one in the hallway
No one left or right
But my hallways all say
Someone's in my house tonight
No one by my fire
No one sippin' tea
My fire's burnin'higher
Someone's in my house with me
Witches are people
with a magic intuition
And she's havin'a feelin'
that is, oh, so bewitchin'
Even though no one's hangin'
round in the kitchen
We knowthat someone is near, dear
No one in the attic
No one in my chair
But I'm so emphatic
Someone's in my house
somewhere
- Where is he, where is he
- Where are you
You wouldn't desert me
You know it would hurt me
- Where is he, where is he
- Where are you
Little no one
you're through, ooh
No one in the mirror
No one by the door
But I'm gettin' nearer
Someone's in my house for sure
No one small and dumb, no
No one pink and white, hey
No one
here I come, 'cause
Someone's in my house
Someone's in her house
And no one's
gettin' out tonight
- Ah!
- Whoo!
Well, that was...
convenient for you.
- Quiet!
- Okay, sure, whatever you say.
Not another peep.
You broke into my home.
Well, actually,
your big head out there by the gate,
he gave me a key.
Why don't you just hang on to that.
That's fine.
Shh!
Ah, you've come for the prince.
- Ah, mm-hmm.
- But why have they sent you?
Filthy little creature.
Not quite a rat, not quite a bird.
You certainly are not
a worthy adversary for me,
the evil Baba Yaga!
Yeah, well,
appearances can be deceiving.
- I think.
- Yes, they can.
I know where the prince is.
Oh, what a shocker.
Okay, okay, I'll stop. I'll stop.
However, in order for me
to show you where he is,
you must first prove
that you are worthy of saving him.
Oh, listen, I'm extremely worthy.
They don't come more worthy than-
Sorry, sorry. Can't help it.
You go ahead.
Sorry, sorry. Can't help it.
You go ahead.
There are three things
I seek within my forest.
I will tell you
where to find them...
and you must bring them to me.
Quick question. Totally hypothetical,
of course. What if I can't?
You can or you can't.
But if you can't,
you will die not a hero,
and Moscow will never
see its prince again.
Sounds like a real win-win.
When do I start?
You already have.
- I have?
- Head south to the ice quarry...
and bring Piloff to me.
- Bring Piloff. That's it?
Bring Piloff to you?
Nah, it's just I thought
you were gonna say more.
Okay, how am I gonna know this Piloff?
Aach! Go. And tell your furry friend
if he helps you in any way,
you'll both die.
Okay, now, that I really
should be writing down.
" Both die."
It's the little things.
Wind.
Whoa! Okay, well,
I guess I'm gonna go now!
I'll catch ya later!
He's actually rather charming
for an oversized skull,
once you get past
his inquisitive nature.
- Gosh, I feel like we've
been walking for hours here.
- We have.
-I have absolutely no idea where we are.
-Mm.
Not unlike Oedipus,
blinded with his mother's broach.
Left to wander the earth,
never knowing-
- Zozi.
- I'm doing it again. I'll stop.
Is it getting cold?
I must say, it is rather exciting.
The first of three gifts
you must search out and bring to her.
- Uh-huh.
- And I can't help in any way.
That's what she said.
I am freezing.
Why is it getting so cold?
Well, hello there.
Bingo. Piloff.
Aha.
Hello there.
I never get visitors.
This is- You know what this is?
It's a pleasure.
- It's an absolute pleasure.
- You must be Piloff.
And you must be lost.
How delightful.
That's it? A little hike,
some cold weather...
then bring this little thing
back to the witch?
This is gonna be a piece of cake!
Oh. Oh, my goodness.
- Hey there. I'm Bartok.
- Oh!
Sorry about this, my little friend,
but I gotta bring you
back to Baba Yaga.
Ah!
- Oh, dear. This isn't good.
You see, I'm stuck.
- Ah!
- Ow!
- It's unbearable.
I don't even know how long
I've been here. What year is this?
- Oh, boy.
- How's it going?
It's not going good!
Ooh, that tickles.
Pull, pull, pull.
Yes! Yes!
Pulllllll!
It's enough to drive you crazy,
isn't it?
Uh- Oh, boy.
- Whoa!
From the sound of it,
you're making great progress.
- Oh, that was close.
You know, I felt like
we almost had something there.
- Hmm.
My goodness, you are determined.
I love that.
This whole thing is very exciting.
- Okeydokey.
- Artichokey.
My friend, we're going to Baba Yaga's,
with or without the extra baggage.
Such fun.
I'm having entirely too much fun.
Yeah, well, that makes one of us.
Wa-ha!
Wheeeeeee!
Hi-ya!
- Oh, careful, careful.
- Whoa!
- Wheeeeee!
- Intriguing.
Bartok, I've landed and I'm unharmed.
Are you still on the boulder ?
- Um, yes!
- Whoop-de-do.
What a strong little bat.
You're actually doing quite well.
I'm very impressed.
This is one of those days
you never forget,
when everything you wanted to happen
happens, only better.
I'm beside myself.
You know what, Bartok?
You should try
and remember this too.
Yeah, I'll make a mental note.
All right?
Wheeeeeeee!
Ah, talk about fun.
We did it, Bartok.
That was a blast.
Wheeeeeeeee!
Ah! Can you believe this, Bartok?
We dragged this big old boulder
all the way across the forest,
and I pop off ten feet
from the house.
- That's funny.
- Yeah, that's hysterical.
- Ah!
- And where, pray tell,
do you think you're going?
- In to see Baba Yaga.
- Do you have a key?
No, she took it. Ah, come on.
You're kidding, right?
Me me me
No matter how hard you hit me,
no matter how much I hurt,
I'm always good for a laugh.
What am I ?
Hmm. A funny bone.
- Funny bone. Ha ha. Key, please.
Much obliged.
You're really quite good
at solving riddles.
I say, have you heard this one?
- What starts off
in the morning on four legs?
-Ah,you brought me Piloff.
Hello, Baba. I was stuck to a rock.
- Oh, boy.
Ah! Ow.
Uh, uh, uh.
Don't sit.
But I'm tired.
Okay, okay, I'm not sitting.
Okay, okay, I'm not sitting.
Now,
go fetch me the crown
of Oble the metalworker.
Oble? He sounds big.
Is he big?
Enormous.
- He's much bigger than you.
- Piloff!
- Sorry.
- Go!
- But I'm exhausted.
Or if you don't,
Prince Ivan will be doomed.
- Which way?
- Walk east until it's dark.
Then look for a fire in the forest.
That's it, huh?
Walk east and look for fire.
No "thank you" ?
No "nice work" ? Nothing.
Yes, one last thing.
Give me the key.
Ah, but why?
I solved the riddle twice already.
Give it to me.
- Okay, that's yours.
Go ahead and take that.
Sheesh, helping people
sure can take it out of ya.
Good people of Moscow,
the prince has been taken from us.
God willing he will be returned.
But in the meantime,
the affairs of state must continue.
And l, as Regent,
will do my best...
to carry on and ensure the safety of...
and respect for...
the throne... of Russia.
This is ridiculous. I'm out here
working my wings off, and for what?
I tell ya, if I get back
and she dumps this crown into her stew,
I'm gonna have a cow.
- Meanwhile, I ain't seen
hide nor hair of that prince.
Oh, would ya look at that.
He is large.
There's no denying it.
- But perhaps he's friendly.
- You think?
Let's try, huh?
I'lljust- I'lljust shout to him
and ask him if I can borrow his hat.
I'll drop Baba Yaga's name. Maybe
they're friends. What could it hurt?
- Hello, good sir!
Yes, very good.
Uh, we come bearing gifts, sir.
Uh, well, not real gifts,
but gifts of warmth and affection.
In exchange for which we'd just love to
bring your headdress back to Baba Yaga.
Aaba Raaba.
Pee wan foof poo mee nana.
- What did he say?
- I just don't have a clue.
Diction, my dear boy. It can make
all the difference in the world.
- Carry on, Bartok.
- Oh! Ah! Hot! Oh, that's hot.
- It's hot. It's hot.
- Manna ooo boorin eeeeear?
Yeah, you and me both,
my friend, I'm sure.
We just need to get that crown of yours
and we'll be on our way.
- Aah!
- Oopsie.
Ah, ah.
- Okay. Hmm. How about this?
Well, how about- Hey, it's hot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey-
- Hot, hot, hot.
- Yaya. Boogaler?
- Part of the show. Totally planned.
Stay with me now,
'cause here comes the good stuff.
Abraca-woozi!
Eeyyy, boogaler.
- Bravo!
- Zozi, let's roll.
Bartok, he's still coming.
Would you look at you?
You did it! You did it!
- He's something special.
- Quiet, Piloff.
And she drops it in the soup.
Perfect.
Tomorrow is the most
difficult task of all.
Oh, dear.
Hold the onions.
Yeah, that's to go, please.
Ay-yi-yi!
Yaah!
Hey, what's with the ruckus
first thing in the morning?
What happened to a nudge? What happened
to the smell of a nice cup of coffee?
Using only this crown...
and the boulder from the quarry,
pluck the magic feather from the sky.
Okay, let me stop you here
for just one sec.
'Cause it's early,
I haven't eaten in about two days...
and I'm a little agitated.
- But what does this have
to do with the prince?
- Everything.
'Cause from where I'm standing,
I'm just running errands
for your little broth there.
Oh, I am so sorry.
How insensitive of me.
Are you still tired?
Honestly?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Oh, oh, oh.
Are you awake now?
Yes. Yes. You were saying
something about a feather ?
A magic feather.
It floats high in the air,
in the middle of a clearing.
One feather comin' at ya.
-Ah, one last thing.
- What's that?
You cannot fly.
Whoa!
Aah!
- Oh! Ow!
- You can't fly?
Nope. Hmm. Ow!
How do I do this?
Help me here.
- I can't.
- Hmm.
Maybe if I just try- Careful now.
I just wanna-
Ah! Ay, hot!
Oh, I'm exhausted.
I haven't eaten in days.
This isn't the life for me.
Just forget it.
A possible hero in you
But I tried.
I did the best I can do.
We can get along without Moscow, and
I won't let that crazy witch find me.
- Ah, well, thank goodness.
- Huh?
Well, you can just imagine
if you had completed this task,
everywhere we went
people would know who we are.
We'd spend the rest of our lives
running around having to help people.
The incessant grabbing
and touching of admirers.
It's more than one can bear.
Aah!
It certainly is.
Now we can run away, hide from
Baba Yaga for a couple of years.
Which is fine by me.
I'm behind on my hibernating anyway.
Then take the show back on the road,
and you can go on pretending
to be what you always wanted to be.
Besides, this is absurd.
How are you supposed
to get feet in the air...
with a large crown and a boulder?
You just can't do it.
Well, no, I can't, especially now
that it's all in pieces like that.
It's, um, in pieces. Aha.
But of course.
Hi-ya! Tah-dah!
Now we get the prince!
When is a door not a door ?
When it's a jar.
Child's play.
- Now, open wide. I'm coming through.
Ha ha. I did it. There you go.
Three for three.
You didn't think I had it in me,
did ya?
Now, hand over the prince.
You have given me the three things
I needed from the forest.
But before I show you
where the prince is,
I need something from you.
But how can I know what that is
if you never told me?
Hmm.
Is this a beauty or what?
They don't make 'em like this anymore.
- No, that's not it.
- Okay.
Okay, okay, here it is,
the mother lode.
An autographed portrait
of Ivan the Terrible.
l, uh- I caught him in a good mood.
- No, that's not it.
- No, huh?
Well, how about-
- It's something from here.
Huh.
- Here. Here you go.
- Hey, what's so funny? Hey, stop it.
Why don't you stop laughing
at other people's misery?
- Uh-oh.
- You never told me
I had to give you something.
You're a cheat and a liar, you babbling
old woman with your iron teeth...
and your hocus-pocus.
- It's no wonder everybody hates you.
- Bartok?
- Yeah? What do you want?
- Good-bye.
- Oh, yeah, sure. Good-bye.
- Huh?
Um, what are you doing?
I'm just being a silly old woman.
I didn't mean what I said.
Look, nobody hates you, okay?
I just- l- ah- oh-
I wish I could give you what you need.
Oh.
Oh!
- You just did.
- Huh?
Yes.
The most important ingredient,
from your heart.
And now he is worthy
and so he shall see. Come.
Come. Hurry up, you little rat bird.
I don't have all day.
Whoa, whoa.
The tower.
Uh, you never took him, did ya?
- I never said I did.
- You never took any children.
- People will believe what they will.
- But-
I'm happy to live alone in the woods
and not be bothered.
There. Take this.
You may need it.
- What is it?
- A magic potion.
This will allow you
to be your innermost self.
When you drink it,
whatever you are
in your heart of hearts,
you will become on the outside tenfold.
Wait a minute. You mean, the whole time
I was doing all that stuff for me?
Mm-hmm.
Now, leave me and save the prince.
Um, could l-
Um, how about a- a hug?
- A hug?
- Come on. Bring it in.
A hug?
Don't push your luck, Bartok.
- All right, all right, all right.
- I'm outta here. Color me gone.
Yeah, and now all we have to do is tell
'em that the prince is in the tower...
and, boom,
we're on to St. Petersburg.
- Uh, what are you doing?
- Finding an appropriate character.
Zozi, I hate to break this to you, but
you can't go. They think you're dead.
That is exactly why a rich
and multi-layered character is crucial.
The right wardrobe,
a dab of well-placed grease paint,
and none will be the wiser.
Um, Zozi, just let me go tell 'em
where the prince is.
What if something goes wrong?
We still don't know who took the prince.
Yeah, but- What is this?
- Cabbage.
- Cabbage?
That's your character ?
Cabbage?
Great. You're gonna
blend right in with the crowd.
A big six-foot-tall cabbage guy.
Yes, but what could be more apropos...
than Simka, the Russian peasant woman?
- I'm going, okay? You wait here.
- But-
:Bartok: [angrily] But nothing, okay?! I'll be right back.
Ah! Ouch.
Ah, brave bat,
you have returned
from your difficult journey.
Healthy, alive,
apparently no worse for the wear.
Our congratulations.
- But where is the prince?
The prince never left the city.
- Never left? I don't understand.
Okay, it's a little complicated
and fairly long-winded,
so everybody listen up, huh?
I left here,
a little fanfare, down into the forest.
Lots of trees there,
some gargoyles, big, big skull.
Solved a riddle, met Baba Yaga.
Not a looker, folks.
Did three tasks.
Not important what they are.
Suffice to say, at this point,
I'm fairly confident of my physical,
emotional and intellectual prowess.
- But the prince.
- Hold on to your britches.
I'm getting there.
Me and the witch, we have a slight
disagreement. Some fisticuffs ensue.
I come out on top,
and she slips me this here potion.
-See?
- A potion? For what?
Well, to be all that I can be,
basically.
Since I did all the tasks,
I'm now worthy of saving the prince.
It- It makes you tenfold on the outside
what you are on the inside.
That's my understanding anyway.
Eh, eh, eh. Look, but don't touch,
fella, all right?
Sounds impressive, I know.
Let me break it down for you.
Essentially, if I ever need to be
more powerful than l- I already am,
I just give this here sucker
the old heave-ho.
Yes, but where is the prince?
Prince Ivan is in the tower.
- What?
- The tower. The tower.
Tall building, just outside
and to the right. You can't miss it.
My goodness. Well, we-
we must go to the tower at once.
Come.
I warn you, if the prince
is not where you say he is...
and this has all been part
of some elaborate performance,
I assure you,
Bartok the Magnificent,
the city of Moscow will have your head.
Tah-dah!
What'd I tell ya?
- Hi, Ivan.
- Bartok?
My prince!
Whew! I got worried there for a sec
while we were climbing the stairs there,
I don't mind telling ya.
You with the talk about taking my head
and everything. Aah!
- I still might.
- Hey, hey!
You imbecile!
What is that?
That- That's a prince?
Very good, yes.
Why didn't you do what I said?
I did. I dressed up like the witch,
left that tooth and took the prince.
And what about him?
But you told me
you wanted him out of the way.
Well, what's he doing here?
Well, I put him in that cage
in the tippy-top of the tower.
How much more
out of the way could he be?
Dead, you imbecile!
Dead is what he could be. Dead!
Dead? But he's the prince.
- Ah, may I interject something here?
- No, you may not.
- Okay.
- I never thought
I'd have to see you again.
Stupid little bat.
It was all so perfect.
Eliminate the prince, frame Baba Yaga,
send a hapless entertainer to save him.
And yet, here you are.
The conquering hero, returning
from battle with all the answers!
Well, all the better.
- Vol ? Get the prince.
- Yes?
Yes, Your Regency.
- You three are the only ones who know.
- Hey!
And none of you will ever
leave this room-
alive.
I'll take that.
Do svidanya.
Poor Bartok the Magnificent.
He's come so far and done so much
for the good people of Russia.
Such a shame
he'll be remembered as a liar.
Ten times more powerful
than I already am.
Tenfold on the outside
what I am on the inside.
- No, no, no!
Help!
Oh, not to worry.
The water will be along shortly.
I'm off to claim my throne.
Mmm.
Oh!
Starting today
they are going to welcome a new girl
Starting today
no more lying or sneaking about
- No!
They'll see
someone lovely as a flower
Someone who is totally in power
Starting today
when the real Ludmilla comes out
Starting today
every rule's guaranteed to be broken
Broken
Starting today
every whisper turns into a shout
Aah!
I feel all my inhibitions molting
More than just the peasants
are revolting
Starting today
when the real Ludmilla comes out
Starting today
is the grand transformation
- Hide, run away or go on a vacation
- Ah
- Starting today she'll be ruling
the nation, no doubt.
- Ah
Oh, yes
And starting today the whole world
will be mine on a platter
Every man on a plate
Kneel, you peasant, you peon
you dim-witted lout
Gee, the future looks great
Now my inner beauty is appearing
I can almost hear
the peasants cheering
Starting today
when the real Ludmilla
Proves she's a ruler
to rival Attila
Starting today
when the real Ludmilla
Comes out
- People of Moscow.
My people!
Oh, my goodness.
Vol, the water's rising. Hurry.
Bartok, help. Help!
Psst! Bartok.
- Come on.
- Whoa.
- Huh? Zozi ?
- Yes.
- What happened?
- Oh, you know, not much.
Ah, Prince Ivan and his guard
are about to drown.
I'm next, 'cause I can't
get out of the cage.
Ludmilla drank Baba's potion
and is about to take over the kingdom.
Other than that, though,
everything is, you know, hunky-dory.
I've got an idea.
Get us up!
Don't leave us here!
- Zozi ?
I believe I've separated my shoulder.
- Hey, help us down here!
- Hurry.
One more time oughta do it.Just give it
a little more, you know, oomph.
Ooh, that's what I've been doing wrong.
I've been lacking...
oomph!
Aah!
Let me ask you. You mentioned
something about having an idea.
Was- Was this what you came up with?
You can be honest.
I may have made a slight miscalculation.
I'm slipping.
I'm sorry, Your Highness.
- Ah, Zozi ?
- Uh-oh.
- Tah-dah!
I'm reminded of Euripides'
character Hippolytus...
whose own life hung in the balance.
Wronged by Aphrodite.
Dying, nobly,
in his forgiveness of Theseu-
You've gotta stop Ludmilla.
Go on.
- Oh!
- The potion.
Not so fast.
Ah!
Hey, you got yourself
one hard head there, really.
- Oh!
"At night the sea began
to rise in waves of death.
"Ship against ship...
the Thracian storm wind shattered us."
Oh, you are very good.
Thank you.
First time I performed that was in '
at the Siberian Greek Tragedy Festival.
- Do more.
All right,
that's enough already with the fire.
Fire! Fire!
The town's on fire!
We need water, lots of water.
This is gonna stop her.
It's time for the "boogaler."
It's good, no?
In addition,
you gotta realize that these are all
a different size and weight.
That increases the level
of difficulty exponentially.
Step right this way.
"The man who is well-minded
to the state...
"from me in death and life...
shall have his honor."
Please, that's completely unnecessary.
Here, dragon lady!
- Zozi.
- Bartok.
- We're over here.
- Aha!
- Hey, where's the water ?
- Yeah, I'm working on it.
- Hurry!
Hey, good for you.
You got it. Congrats.
Oh, hey, hot, hot, hot!
Oh, so close on that one.
Listen, I've been right where you are.
I had a whole thing
with a magic feather.
Oh, oh!
It's frustrating, isn't it?
It's right there,
but you can't get at it.
It's, uh- It's not fun.
Much better there.
Just up a little bit and to the left.
Have a nice trip.
See you next fall.
Bartok, where's the water?
Aah!
Shee.
Talk about your big finish.
They can't write stuff like this.
Well done, my friend. Well done.
- Well, right back at ya, my friend.
- Some wicked witch.
- Yeah.
It was those tasks that helped you
become what you always wanted to be.
- And I never gave her anything.
- What do you mean?
You gave her what she needed most
and what only a true hero could.
Your compassion, Bartok.
You gave her your compassion.
Hey, I did, didn't I ?
She got upset, and l- I helped her out.
Boom! I just gave her my compassion.
Didn't even think about it.
Hah. Well, when you got it,
you got it, I guess, Zozi.
I'll tell you what.
I'm one heck of a guy.
You certainly are.
For a bat.
Citizens of Moscow.
Please stand with me and give thanks
to Bartok the Magnificent.
- He saved us
and we are forever in his debt
Please, it's embarrassing.
- Psst!
- Ooh, I almost forgot.
Here you go.
- But that was my gift to you.
- Nonsense, Your Highness.
Let me tell you
something about that ring.
- That ring is a ring for royalty.
- How's tricks?
- How's tricks?
I think he did really, really well,
don't you, Baba?
Piloff, shh, shh, shh.
Congratulations.
Thank you... for everything.
Yes, well...
fine.
Hang on a sec. Is it me or is there
a lot of love up here right now?
You know what? I think it's time
for that hug I was talking about.
- Again with the hug?
- Come on, Piloff. Group hug.
- Stop it now. Go, go, go.
- Bring it in, everybody.
- Oh, I love hugs.
Okay, enough.
- I'll be seeing ya.
- You can count on it.
- See you soon! Auf wiedersehen!
- Piloff.
Bye, Bartok!
:Baba Yaga: Good-bye, Bartok the Magnificent!
:Bartok: Uh, see you later, folks.
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