Bedtime Voices

Sleeping is often considered a luxury by many. I can understand why. You've had a long day at work, with your boss yelling at you about fucking up your reports. As you drive home, you get a flat tire and the people in the traffic you've unintentionally created start yelling at you. When you finally get home, all you have to eat is some leftover seafood and bagged vegetables. After watching Wheel of Fortune re-runs for the thousandth time, you finally arrive at your mattress.
You change into your pajamas, most likely just a shirt and p.j. bottoms. Maybe in the summer, you're in boxers instead. The covers are then pulled back, making a weird scrapping sound. You don't care. You're too tired to process how grating it could actually be. Then your head hits the pillow. If you have trouble sleeping, you might take some pills or go on your laptop and watch cat videos until you fall asleep.
I, on the other hand, find falling asleep to be a personal hell.
I hear him talking to me as I remember all the ways that I had fucked up earlier that day. I forgot to lock my apartment door before I went to work. Thankfully, no robbery had occurred. I accidentally spilled my coffee onto a co-worker. At least it had cooled down by then. However, he's still there.
I hear his voice just criticizing me. Of course, I could tell him to fuck off. He just gets more aggressive. Violent, in fact. He tells me to do things. Originally, they weren't that big. He wanted me to spew out minor insults to people I didn't give a shit about. I didn't really do it, though. I didn't want to entertain him and have him gain control.
Now, though, he's taking advantage. He wants me to delete all social media; shut myself away from the world. He tells me to quit my job, since I'm already shit at following instructions. Tell my friends that.... I hate them. He wants me to lie for his own sadistic enjoyment.
The night-time is the worst. My mind is already bad enough, but being half-asleep and already being destroyed by my own thoughts just makes me more vulnerable. It's easier for him to enter and insult me. He wants to pull the strings, and soon.... I might lose my sanity.
It's 4 in the morning and I'm trying to distract myself from him. It's the only thing I can do to possibly stay sane. I can't get anti-psychotics due to conflicts with my epilepsy medication. All I can do is grin and bear it. Wake up every morning at 11 with his voice still quietly beating my brain.
Things will get better by 2, as I'll be more awake and kind of stable. My boss will yell at me like always for being 10 minutes late. That's when the paranoia and voice return.
"You can't do anything right."
"They hate you."
"You fucked up again, just like always."
"They're watching you."
"STOP LOOKING AT ME."
The others will probably think I'm insane, since I'm sweating and my eyes are rapidly looking all over the place. What else can I do though? I have no more options. I can only listen and get mentally annihilated.
I look at my clock, done thinking about how the day is going to play out. It's 6 a.m. and the sun is rising. Looks like it's time for you to wake up.... and time for me to escape my hell.
Category:Mental Illness
Category:Dreams/Sleep