Pale

Date/Timing: 16 December 2005
Setting: Gottlieb home; Berlin, Germany
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Father explodes into Hermann's room—
Dietrich grabs for, misses his arm.
—demands, „Give me your mobile. Now.“
Hermann pushes onto his elbows. „Why—“
„/Now, Hermann.“
„I want to know—“
„Because I am your father and I order you to do so.“
Hermann sits up straight, shoulders back, fists tight at his sides. „No.“
„Father—“
„Leave us, Dietrich.“ His eyes remain locked on Hermann's face.
„Father, plea—“
„I said /leave!“
Dietrich flinches, slinks out.
„Give. Me. The mobile.“
„No.“ Hermann glares.
Father lunges—
Hermann blocks—
—shoves Hermann into the pillows—
—batters—
—seizes the mobile from the duvet, straightens, tucks it into his back trouser pocket.
—relents, sulks.
Father adjusts his clothes, intones, „Hermann, you will cut off all contact with Britain and your so-called 'friends'. You will remain here for the foreseeable future. I will file the paperwork for your transfer on Monday.“
„My exams are—“
„You'll take them here, if it's allowed. If not—“
„But—“
„—consider it part of your punishment for breaking your promise.“
„I did no such thing. I told /no one. I /showed no one. My condition is still my secret.“ Throws himself to his feet. „I deserve to—“
„You are in no position to make demands, Hermann.“
„I worked hard this term. I've /earned the top position in my programme and /deserve the credit for my courses.“
„Perhaps losing them will teach you an invaluable lesson.“
„You'd deny me the chance to enhance both your and my reputations as scholars?“
Father sneers. „You've squandered any polish by deciding to be a homosexual—“
„I didn't 'decide' to fall in love.“
„You /decided to listen to your hormones rather than my counsel and whatever better judgment you have.“
Hermann grits his teeth. „This isn't about /my love life: it's about /yours.“ Leans closer. „Just because you couldn't—“
Hermann's cheek burns from Father's slap.
„Don't compare your aberrant desire to something right and natural.“
„I wouldn't /dare. This is /completely different,“ taunts Hermann. „We're not bringing unwanted children into—“
Father spits, „I welcomed Dietrich and Karla.“
„Not Bastien and I.“
„Regardless, I have accepted the burden of protecting you. If that requires locking you away from the world, I will not hesitate.“
„Go ahead. I'll contact the authorities and have us removed.“
Father smirks. „Do that at your own peril. I'm sure they will find the results of the inevitable physical exam /fascinating.“
Hermann lets his gaze slide to the floor.
„Accept your circumstances with dignity, Hermann.“ He snaps a turn on his heel and goes.
Hermann slumps to sit on the edge of the mattress, buries his face in his hands.
Distant shouting.
Father and Karla.
Hermann squeezes his eyes shut against hot, angry tears.
A door slams.
Father's study.
Another.
The front door.
Hermann wobbles to his feet, inhales deeply.
Decides.
He creeps up the stairs to Father's washroom, closes and locks the door.
Studies his reflection in the mirror.
Pale, eyes dark-rimmed, tear tracks on his cheeks.
He looks as askew as he feels.
As /hopeless as he feels.
Leans heavily on the sink, hands clutching the rim.
"I can't endure this again." Sets his teeth. "I won't endure this again."
He opens the cabinet behind the mirror.
Father's straight razor gleams at him.
"I /won't endure this again."
He slips the blade into his pocket.
Squares his shoulders, retraces his steps downstairs, sneaks to and out the door into the back garden.
Across the frosty grass to the center.
Eases himself down.
Peels off his jumper.
Folds it, sets it aside.
Unbuttons, slides out of his shirt.
Folds it, sets it aside.
Shivers.
Tugs his tee off over his head.
Folds it, sets it aside.
Unfastens his binder, shrugs it off.
Tosses it away.
Stretches his wings, pushes them through a handful of strong, steady beats.
He brings out the razor, opens it, locks the blade.
For once his thinness and pale skin are blessings: his veins stand out clearly as streets on a map.
Easy to follow, to open with the steel point and a little pressure.
The warmth is pleasant against his chilled arms.
He spreads his wings like a blanket, lays himself down.
Hermann watches the stars and waits.
They twinkle in the crisp air.
Twelve-hundred kilometers away, is Edan watching the same stars?
Somewhere, far in the distance, Karla screams.
Category:Ficlet
Category:Berlin (setting)
Category:Hermann
Category:Hermann's POV
Category:Hermann has wings
Category:Hermann (ficlet)
Category:Lars
Category:Lars (ficlet)
Category:Dietrich
Category:Dietrich (ficlet)
Category:Edan (mention)
Category:Karla (mention)
Category:Bastien (mention)
Category:Ficlets with images