Serena Ryder - Stompa/Transcript

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The following is a transcript of "Serena Ryder - Stompa", the fourteenth episode of the A Dose of Buckley feature Musical Autopsy.
==Transcript==
===Introduction===
This is Musical Autopsy, the feature at A Dose of Buckley where I make my way down to the musical morgue to get my slice on with a song or artist. I believe that's how all the cool doctors are referring to it these days. This time on the table, it's Serena Ryder - Stompa.
Song plays; lyrics appear.
"People
Working every night and day
Never give yourself no time
Got too many bills to pay"
===The Autopsy===
Let's just stop this right here for a second, 'cause you're already wondering, who the fuck is Serena Ryder?! Well, if you're Canadian, and you listen to the radio, there's a solid chance you've heard her. As of making this, she's #10 on the Canadian Billboard Hot 100, and peaked at #8. In the U.S., she's nowhere to be found. To give you some perspective, Thrift Shop is still #1 here, because Canada's Billboard chart doesn't count YouTube views...yet. And it's not like there's a fucking wall around Canada or something that keeps out all of American entertainment. Most of the shit that we listen to or watch is from the U.S. So how does this chart so high? Well, because of Canadian content laws, or CanCon as we call it here.
You see, in Canada, radio and TV stations are forced to play a certain amount of programming created by Canadians. 35% of a radio station's content needs to be from Canadian artists, actually, and if you're a new station, it's possible that your license forces you to play 40%. Nearly half of your music has to be Canadian! It's like...you know how you had that shitty neighbor kid that was just annoying as fuck, so you tried to exclude them from everything, but then their mom calls your mom and told her that you're intentionally not playing with her son, so your mom makes you include him, even though you don't want to? That is how Canadian content works! And I don't mind telling you that there's not a lot of good music from Canada.
You probably think that Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepson and Nickelback and all of them suck; they're actually the best, most well-produced current artists we have! The rest of it sounds like it was made in someone's shed. Fuckin'..."Bill had an old soundboard from when he did the P.A. announcements at the hockey game, eh, and the local bands come over and they record their shit"...and then radio stations need to play it because they need to play something, and you can't just play Rush six times an hour.
To be fair, Serena Ryder might have made Canadian radio on her own based on sales, without Canadian content laws. This particular song did go gold, but keep in mind that Canadian gold and American gold are two very different things. In the U.S., gold is 500,000 units sold; in Canada, I think you just have to sell fifty copies to your friends and relatives. Anyway, because of CanCon rules, this is what we end up with:
Song continues.
"Slow down
Nothing's gonna disappear
If you give yourself some room
To move to the music you hear
Gotta get up, listen to me
Clappa your hands
Stompa your feet"
"Clappa your hands...stompa your feet."
The first part of this song is a message about just being a lazy shit. Instead of working hard and paying you bills like a decent human being, just say, "fuck it," and dance your cares away with the most boring dance ever - clapping your hands and stomping your feet...oh, I'm sorry - stompa your feet. Stompa. Fuck me!
By the way, this chick's singing about how you need to take it easy; she's been a professional performer since she was a teenager! Supposedly she was once a waitress to help pay the bills, 'cause that's not the world's biggest fucking cliché, but it's not like she had a hard life slavin' away, grinding it out in a factory for twelve hours a day, and then rushing to a gig that paid thirty bucks and a couple of free beers. Far as I can tell, she hasn't had a real job since like, 1999, but here she's singing like she's some fuckin' hard, salty blues musician, who lived the rough life and is now telling you how it is. She's a thirty-year-old girl who grew up in Millbrook, Ontario, population about 8,000 - not exactly the mean streets of Detroit. She had a piano teacher! No one who had a fucking piano teacher lived a rough life!
"Peee-poll
Looking for the great escape
Looking to the greener side
Trying to find a better way
Slow down
Open up your big brown eyes
Feel the rhythm in your heart
You don't even need to try"
The second verse is more of the same...so, don't strive for anything; don't bother trying to make a better life for yourself. Just slow down, take it easy - the "rhythm in your heart" will take care of everything, including those bills you're gonna neglect from verse 1. Ambitions for those suckers in the suits trying to climb the corporate ladder...and where's that gettin' 'em, right? I get that a song about trying to better yourself and doing something with your life isn't gonna be a particularly big seller with the kids, and that's fine, but just know that creating this kind of shit only contributes to kids becoming shittier. "Fuck it! Working hard is for chumps; let's have fun instead!"
"Gotta get up, listen to me
Clappa your hands
Stompa your feet
Nothing is wrong
If you move to the beat
Clappa your hands
Stompa your feet
Stompa your feet"
Okay, there's another verse, but I can't listen to any more of this. I mean, if it's gonna be a song about dancing and partying and feeling the music, couldn't it at least be upbeat and not a boring, slow pile of indie rock garbage?! No, but really, Serena, this had the potential for being a great dance sensation. Clappa your hands and stompa your feet...if only Queen didn't fucking do it with much better lyrics about 35 years ago when they created "We Will Rock You"!
Fuck this shit! This is Musical Autopsy - bag it and tag it.
Sound of zipper plays; video ends.
Category:Transcripts