News Flash Too

Forward: All persons. places, and events in these "news stories" are FICTIONAL! They are part of a game and are not intended as reporting any version of fact. Any association with the truth is purely snark.
See: News Flash for 2011 to 2021
=2022=
==1-7-22==
San Francisco Chronicler -- San Francisco, Ca -- The Archology Opens its Doors! -- January 10th the Alameda Archology will open its doors to the public.  The gleaming super structure of glass and steel will hold 1.6 million residents.  Don't look for a moving van folks they are all booked.  The Alameda Police have indicated they are pulling an all hands day on the Tenth just to handle traffic.  They will be borrowing officers from nearby cities as well.
Residents to the east have reported that the light tubes are working beautifully.  "The effect is freaky" stated long time Oakland resident Brian Chambers.  You can see the sunset like it was projected on the Archology, or the Archoilogy is a fever dream of the sunset, it is hard to tell.
"Businesses have been moving in since December 15th and all services are ready," stated the Archology Management. "The BART trains are running the loop but not yet stopping.  So commuters have had a sneak peek at things."
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BBC -- Istanbul, Turkey -- Earthquake -- Turkish officials are reporting that a 7.8 Earthquake as occurred southeast of the city of Konya.  Damage is extensive and casualties have been mounting.  The Thunderbird Stations have been engaged in pulling the trapped out of buildings as they have either called themselves or been found.  This is little help to the critically injured or the dead.
The Turkish Government will welcome any aid that is sent their way. Many are homeless and reported numbers have not caught up with the need.
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TruthMaxTV -- Fort Worth, Tx -- Healing in Texas -- Rev Kenny Coopland demonstrated the power of Ghodd in his service as he healed a congregant of a long time leg amputation.  Several other people were healed as well but of ailments less spectacular. There is no denying the power of Ghodd by the godless enlightenment or the pagans now.  
Rev. Coopland stated after the service that the United States must destroy the unbeliever and cleave to Ghodd alone or suffer the wrath of Ghodd.  Ghodd's plan for Our Great Nation was a return to our Christian past.
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FNN -- Long Beach, Ca -- Cheaper Alloys -- The Warp drive Project announced Wednesday that they had developed a new method to make the alloy known simply as hull metal cheaper and quicker.  The exotic alloy used for starship hulls is difficult to make and therefore expensive.  The WDP spokesperson stated that this breakthrough could bring hull metal into the range of consumer goods and building construction.  
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MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- First Transporter Trips -- Shimmer Transportation has announced that they have transporters located in five major US cites.  LA, Chicago, New York, New Orleans and Atlanta.  These transporters are open to the public for the reasonable price of $1500.00.  Cheaper than Ane-port, but we are informed only five passengers per city per day until they can build up their power resources.  Book early.
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==1-15-22==
BBC -- London, England -- Jubilee Plans Move Forward -- Plans for Queen Elizabeth II unprecedented Platinum Jubilee are moving forward.  The entire country is getting ready for a full blow out for the Queen's 70th year on the throne.  The Palace has not confirmed what events the Queen herself, a woman of 95 years, will attend.
We join everyone in wishing the Queen continued good health.  God Save the Queen.
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TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- McCon Healed -- Former Senator Mitch McCon was visited by Rev Kenny Coopland in his hospital bed at Walter Reed Hospital. He laid on his hands and raised him up from his sickbed in a display of Biblical healing.  Rev Coopland stated:  "I charge him to run for the presidency in the name of the LORD.  So long as he remains faithful to the LORD he shall do nothing but prosper for I have laid the blessings of the LORD on his head and in his heart.  The LORD givith and the LORD takeith away.  Those that move forward in HIS name shall not fail. The forces of the enemy shall not overcome."
Former Senator McCon stated he is returning the Kentucky to reassess his position.  A run for President is very likely.
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MessyNBC -- Sacramento, Ca -- California is Clean -- Governor Noisom (TB) announced in a press conference today that California is fully powered by sustainable energy.  The last fossil fuel plant has been decommissioned, and the last fission plant fully cleaned out.  Even Hydro is being decommissioned and the hydrology of the state returned to nature.  Currently wind provides 23% of the state's power, fusion 75% and the remaining percentage by various other clean methods.
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Chicken Nooble News -- Albany, NY -- Tramp Looses -- The New York State Supreme Court sided with the creditors of the Tramp Organization.  The patriarch of the Organization Donny Tramp vanished in 2009, he was declared legally dead in 2016.  The financial fortunes of the Organization have been going downhill since the shady dealings that Donny had proliferated came to light in the wake of his demise.  
With the sale in 2020 of the last major property the 56th Street and Fifth Avenue tower in New York now known as Protector Plaza, Donny Jr and Ivona sought to protect the last assets from the hoard of creditors that have chased them down.  That has failed and the chance of the US Supreme Court hearing the last appeal is slim indeed.
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==1-22-22==
Variety -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Pumzi ya Uhai to Tour Europe! -- The mixed Ane/Human vocal band Pumzi ya Uhai has announced a tour of Europe.  The thrilling and exotic group will spend six months touring the glittering cities of the EU and then a town by town "in the park" tour similar to the one in the US!  We will miss them while they are gone.
It was also announced that an exciting new album was currently being produced from recordings made during the US park tour, all new music not yet released.
Comment:  Pumzi ya Uhai is from Kenya, not the United States.  They were visiting there as well. -- C. Menter
Pumzi ya Uhai considers themselves citizens at large, members of the Ane Confederation not from any given country.  -- A. Neansisi: Pumzi ya Uhai  
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NewsEye -- Louisville, Ky -- Carry Me Back -- Former Senator McCon has had one difficult time getting back to his home state.  His first plane never got off the runway, the Pilots were worried about the right engine.  The second was diverted to Pittsburgh with internal pressure issues.  At this point the Ex Senator rented a car.  This had a battery fire in the parking lot of a Fisk's Big Boy.  The replacement car was driven off the road in a traffic incident on I-71, and a bald eagle crapped on his head.  A third car finally got him home to Louisville.  
Mr McCon stated he is sitting at home for a while and not taking up anything more hazardous than lunch.
Senator and now Minority Leader John Thone (TR-SD) has called for an investigation into Former Senator McCon's string of malfortune. Vice President Bernie Grinders (TB) stated:  "Yea, it is real hinky and as much as I don't like the guy there has to be malicious magic at play.  No one has luck that bad.
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TruthMax -- Washington DC -- Ghodd's Nation -- The Right Honorable Ted Crude has stated:  "We are, with Ghodd's blessing, retaking the Congress for Ghodd's people in 2022.  The torrent of legislation restricting states rights must be stopped and reversed.  The nation is being taken over by the godless, gays, and aliens.  Religions of false gods are allowed to proliferate.  We MUST take back Washington for real Americans."
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FNN -- Clearwater, Fl -- A Troubling Reverse -- David Miscarriage the head of the troubled Scintoffery Cult is back in the hospital.  The Cult would not elaborate in any fashion and he is entitled to medical privacy.  We speculate if his face has ever really healed.
Meanwhile they have suffered a reverse in the California State Courts where the resurrected Ron Bulbbard won a case reestablishing his identity and the title to his California mansion.  Further personal lawsuits are costing the Cult millions and stripping them of property they must sell to cover the damages the courts are handing out.  The plaintiffs against Scintoffery have no end of money to sue the Cult, and they have shed members like a Husky sheds hair in spring.  Someone powerful and rich wants them gone, and is willing to pay to have it happen.
Update:  Orane the giant red Sauroi woman and drummer for Astral Flame wrote in:  "Yea, we are.  They are motherfuckers and deserve all the grief we can give them.  Papa Evan and wife Casa are twisting the knife as well."
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==2-1-22==
TruthMaxTV -- New York, NY -- Officer Killed! -- New York police officer Randy Thorne was shot and killed during an armed standoff in Harlem on Monday.  Police Spokesperson Captain Gloria Strawdman stated:  "The suspect holed up in a three season porch had not heard that everyone is using stunners now.  Officer's stunners were unable to penetrate the thin siding on the porch, and the suspect cut loose with an old fashion assault rifle.  His second blast killed officer Thorne."
The tying of the police's hands by mandating non lethal weapons is hurting officers and emboldening criminals.  With the death of qualified immunity the police are left wide open to assault both criminal and legal.  Team Blue is leading the charge on the death of law and order.  
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Chicken Nooble News -- Nairobi, Kenya -- Quartermain's Trunk? -- An antique trunk has been recovered from what once was the cellar of the Gentleman's Adventuring Club in Nairobi.  The large trunk is labeled "Quartermain" and has an intricate lock. Nailed to the trunk was a sealed envelope with a letter that stated that the key was in the hands of Sir Frederic George Kenyon and should on no account be opened without his presence.
Sir Frederic George Kenyon was the Director of the British Museum from 1909 to 1931.  He is, of course, dead.  Both the British Museum and the Kenyon family have been contacted.  The trunk is being held at the University of Nairobi until other arrangements have been made.
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MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- New Sentencing Guidelines -- The Justice Department has issued new sentencing guidelines for the Federal Courts.  The new Guidelines, which is emphasized are not mandatory, leaving Judges to judge.  The new guidelines are built with a full understating of modern social theory and psychology.  They for the first time allow, if the convict is willing, for telepathic treatment of the criminal.   The guidelines are in full compliance with the SRA as to humane treatment and totally abandon the 20th century bankrupt idea of lock them up and throw away the key.  
Team Red has further complained that this will erode respect for law and order and endanger the American public.  FYI, crime is at an historic low.
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Vista City Guardian -- Anderson, Ca -- Woman's Body Found -- The police have located the woman Maria Gonzales who was listed as missing two days ago.  Her body was found dumped in the Shasta wilderness area.  Her body had been split vertically, and completely in two.   Police report there was no blood at the scene.
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==2-11-22==
New York Times -- New York, NY -- Challenge Given -- Robert T Vanderfeller III of New York has offered one billion dollars to anyone that can assure him that he will live to the age of 200.  Mr Vanderfeller was willing to exclude catastrophic death. How kind of him.   
Comment:  The truth is that the declared oldest Human a thing invented since the rise of media, and  is not the case.  Plenty of people are older.  We just use magic and don't advertise.  They are the oldest Humans that have never been rejuvenated.  No I will not reveal who I am, that would be foolish.  Taking the challenge?  That might also be foolish.  --Annon
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Chicken Nooble News -- Long Beach, Ca -- Force Field Firefighting -- The Warp Drive Project has demonstrated using force fields to smother fires.  A large bonfire started on the airfield was quickly smothered by the projected force fields.  Stated Spokesman Greg Drannen:  "We will have two of the Forest Fighters so equipped by this year's fire season.  We don't know what the performance will be against general wildfire.  But we plan to find out.  Right now it can be used on any localized fire in which no one is in the structure, it would smother them as well.
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Faux News -- Albany, NY -- Jehovah's Witless Losses -- The State Supreme Court for New York has upheld the lower count ruling against the Jehovah's Witless in the class action child abuse trial.  The lower court is cleared to proceed with the damages portion of the ruling.  An amount that will likely beggar the church.  Jehovah's Witless spokesmen have refused comment.
Of note are the number of Kingdom Halls that have closed as of recently.  Four in the last month and in clusters in one city.  They have no comment on that either.
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FNN -- Los Angeles, Ca -- OOPS! -- It seems that People has had a faux pas.  An article that purported to be candid pictures of Johnathon Allion, was a complete Playgirl worthy nude spread of Chief Editor David Sleepy.  Full frontal everything. Not only did this get through production it hit the newsstand and anyone that has a subscription.  
People had no comment at this time, in fact they seem a little distracted over there.  All unsold magazines have been pulled from newsstand, and article taken off the website.  Not much can be done about those mailed out or already sold.  
We sought comment form Anthony Allion.  He said only:  "Don't try to sneak pictures of my family,"
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==2-15-22==
MessyNBC -- Green Bay, WI -- Internet Troll? -- Gaey Yorgonson was briefly detained Sunday after a disturbance at the local 7/11.  It seems he entered wearing a deep hood that the clerk demanded he pull back.  This got a snarl and the clerk called the police.  Well he had good reason for the hood.  When forced to identify himself Mr. Yorgonson was gray skinned, we mean rock gray with a huge nose and a rough complexion.  Police allowed him to get his Mondo-mega Gulp (mind the undertow) and Doritos.  He departed with a snarl for everyone.  
Reporter's nosiness found that Mr Yorgnson is better known as niceguy67, a strident voice in the incel community on the internet. Further his appearance is in line with the Nordic tradition of trolls.  The Æsir are real, why not a troll?
We contacted Gaey Yorgonson AKA nicegy67 for comment.  His suggestion as to what to do is not permitted in broadcast standards.
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Times of San Diego -- San Diego, Ca -- An Unusual Solution -- City Councilman Harve Edwards (TB) recently in the papers for the scandal that he was keeping a mistress seems to have solved the issue.  Councilman Edwards stated that after several heartfelt discussions on the matter the three of them went to Greyhawke and married there.  All three of them in a marriage valid by treaty with the Eyrian Empire.  Stated Councilman Edwards:  "It was agreeable to all.  We married in the Church of Creation and registered our intentions in the Kingdom of Janorda, an element of the Eyrian Empire. We are happy and legal, so drop it."
Councilman Bob Bodine (TR) stated: "This marriage is a sin and he should be forced to resign.  We are in a Christian country and the ten commandments rule!"
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NewsEye -- Little Rock, Ak -- Undirected Directors -- Total chaos broke out at the recent council meeting when in the middle of a headed argument City Director Greg Tomson stunned the member of the public addressing the Council, Mary Stone.  Director Tomson was tackled by the other members of the Council of Directors not too shocked to move and a near riot broke out in the meeting chamber.
Ms. Mary Stone was transported to the hospital for minor injuries associated with her fall.  She was treated and released.    Director Tomson was arrested for assault on site.  Ms Stone states she will most certainly press changes and a possible civil suit as well.  Mr Tomson's lawyer instructed him to not speak with the press.
The Sergeant at Arms stated that Directors will also be checked for weapons at all further meetings of the Council of Directors.
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MessyNBC -- Toledo, OH -- Parent & Student Protests -- The parents of the Scott High School have been sending letters to the school in mass requiring the signatures of the Principle and the involved teachers to the effect that due to the School's Zero Tolerance policy on violence that punishes the victim equal to the instigator even if they never throw a punch, that their children have been instructed to "Beat the Crap" out of anyone that hits them.  Hung for a horse or hung for not stealing a sheep it seems.  You might as well get the most out of it.  The Principle and faculty refused comment at this time.
'Similar to this policy and due to a student drawing a knife and being suspended (She is an amateur blacksmith) The entire student body stood in the halls holding photocopies of a knife chanting "Send us home".  They closed school for the day, and the administration is speaking with the school board.
Parent Representative Chloe Martin stated: "We will kill zero tolerance, AKA zero intelligence, or we will kill the public schools.  We are tired of this form of child abuse.  Parents in other schools in the district can visit our Facebrook group for information on how to join us in making school about education again."
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==2-25-22==
Chicken Nooble News -- Atlanta, Ga -- For His Natural Life? --  Nathan Willbury is demanding to be released from prison. Willbury is infamous as the Stone Face Killer that raped and killed 15 girls between 1995 and 1997 dumping their bodies in the Stone Mountain Park.  Willbury has never denied his involvement or shown a moment's remorse.
Willbury contends he has met the conditions of his sentence and should be released.  "For the rest of your natural life" said the judge, and Willbury says he is dead.  Medical experts have confirmed that indeed Mr Willbury is neither breathing, except to talk and has no heartbeat, or blood pressure.  He is clinically dead.  Even an EEG showed nothing but random nerve firing typical of the brain in the hours after death.  
All of this said Willbury is still moving and talking.  Things the dead are not typically known for.  A John Hawthone has put a motion before the court demanding his release.  Mr Hawthone looks a little sepulchral himself. 
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BBC:  -- Buenos Aires, Argentina -- Big Bird -- Carlos Manous a local cattle herder brought a giant bird to the Ministry of the Environment to be identified.  he stated that the bird has been killing his cattle.  The unknown bird was over two meters tall and had a large and dangerous looking beak, but appeared to be flightless.  Senor Manous stated that he has seen many of these large birds and they attack any living thing without fear.  
Dr Palmoa of the University of Buenos Aires described the bird as the extinct species T. walleri,  One of several types of extinct flightless birds colloquially called "terror birds'.
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TruthMaxTV -- Walla Walla, Wa -- Get Me to the Church -- The Reverend George Martin was found standing outside his church in confusion.  Should we say his former church as the Rev George Martin is dead.  The well dressed if dirty man refused to speak ,and frankly looked the part of the dead.  He fought off police with undue strength and did not react to phasers on stun.  A cleric from another church was brought in and he admonished the late Reverend who promptly fell over.
On investigation Rev Martin's grave had been disrupted, from the inside.  The undead body having broken out of the concrete vault and dug it's way to the top.  Family indicated that Rev Martin will be promptly cremated.  The late minister's wife Gloria is in shock and is being treated.  The family asked for tots and pears.
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Chicken Nooble News --New Orleans, Ms -- Undead Attack Church! -- Dozens of undead skeletons are tearing at the physical fabric of the Our Lady of Mercy Roman Catholic Church in New Orleans.  They have clawed their way to the roof they are throwing down roof tiles and lead sheeting from the structure of the church.  Phasers do not stop these dead save on the most destructive setting, and the church is very close.
Our Lady of Mercy was built in 1840 at the behest of Francqua Georigo a wealthy planter.  His will instructed that the church be built "to the benefit of his soul."
Authorities are seeking Enlightened Clerics to stop the undead.
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==3-10-22==
World Weakly News -- Pensacola, Fl -- Babby Rally -- Mr Charles M Pottenger of Pensacola has told his plethora of grand kids that the first one to produce a male heir, by the normal means, with video proof of the conception event will get his entire 11.5 billion dollar fortune.  Stated Mr Pottenger  "Yea I'm a dirty old man that wants to watch them f**k.  If they want the money the trained chimps will do it too, and they will.  Greedy bunch."
Mrs Valentin of the Christian Temperance League was having a case of vapors at the news and was unable to comment at this time.
Mr. Mortimer of Mortimer Grim and Stout, Mr.Pottenger's attorney stated that "While the terms are unusual, even to say immoral, there is no law that states how Mr Pottenger may distribute his wealth."
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Mother Jones -- Carson City Nv -- Prostitutes Organize -- Ms Tawny Mounds of the famous Mustang Ranch brothel has announced along with several of her fellows that they have created a labor Union for working girls, or guys for that matter.  Anyone working the sex trade.  Can join the Sex Workers United including strippers and escorts.  Stated Ms Mounds, "using your pu**y to make money is no better or worse than using brain or brawn.  Everyone is a prostitute.  We have the right of protection under the law, and the right to collective bargaining.  Sex workers have been marginalized, criminalized and persecuted long enough.  It is time to stand for our rights."
Moral outrage to the right, social justice rants to the left, of course.
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Faux News Boston -- Boston, Ma -- Blue Scandals -- Alderman Paul O'Reilly was caught with a woman not his wife at the famous Murphy's Chop House.  O'Reilly's Office commented "She is a constituent with grave concerns."  The woman might have been dressed for business, but more business in the bedroom.  When this was pointed out the reply was "Yes, she is a sex worker, that is legal in this Commonwealth and she is entitled to fair representation."
Mrs Prudy of the Women's Irish Christian Temperance Movement called it "A likely story" and has called for his resignation.
Mrs O'Reilly threatened to call the police if we did not get off the lawn.  Paul O'Reilly stated "I'm not resigning for doing my job."
We suggest outrage.  Lots of outrage.
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FNN -- Ann Arbor, Mi -- Church of Sex --  Ann Arbor has seen the first temple of Aphrodite to open since ancient times.  The new temple is patterned off the practices of the Kentari temples.  Yes a holy brothel is part of the worship environment, most of it in fact.  Ann Arbor councilman Timothy Guilder all but seethed over the move.  "They are just dodging taxes!".  Her worship Li'ria Jones stated.  "Aphrodite is our goddess and we have as much right to worship as the poor that can only afford one god.  Oh and said taxes are designed to make a brothel impossible in city limits. He can bite my ass, if he pays the worship fee.  Hail Aphrodite.
Proponents of the Tax the Churches movement point to such tactics as to why their agenda must move forward.  The ACLU stated that the aforementioned tax is confiscatory and an unconstitutional restraint of trade and they are already fighting it in court.  The tax itself a matter pushed by a few dried up old busy bodies that hate fun in all forms.  The City Clerk refused comment on an ongoing suit.
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==3-26-22==
Variety -- Orlando, Fl -- Dizney Refurb -- The Walt Dizney Corporation has announced a five billion dollar refurbishment program to all Dizney properties.  While all parks are maintained to a high standard the facades and even infrastructure has become dated in the 50+ years they have been in operation. "Some attractions will be replaced, some given a face-lift.  In all cases hardware is being replaced with the latest technology.  The parks will not close, the work will be done as low key as possible." stated Spokeswoman Leslie Carbuncle.   "The goal is to make it familiar but better in all cases.  We do not have a list of attractions to be retired at this time."
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Faux News -- Topeka, Ka -- A Mouse Feeling Blue -- Mayor Mike Paledili (TB) has hit the double whammy. He has been moused a rather public admission that like any Team Blue politician he seeks an added advantage.  Well it backfired on his cute furred ass.  Of course the city council has called for his resignation.  It remains to be seen if he will do the right thing or double down as Team Blue always does.
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The New York Times -- New York, NY -- Dirty Rat -- Tony Prosciutto, a local "businessman" has stated he is seeking a magician or cleric to reverse a "malicious magical event".  "I've been toyned into a rat, see.  It ain't a mouse, see.  Dey ain't the same, see.  Da wife ain't happy, see.  You doyn't get on the bad side of Louise, see."  Mr Prosciutto has not been seen in public ce the apparent magical event.
Contact information has been given should anyone be so inclined.  We hear he pays well.
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BBC -- Acapulco, Mexico -- A Vermin Issue -- The expensive Dreams Acapulco Resort & Spa in Acapulco has reported, they didn't have much choice, an overwhelming rat issue. "It's not like we have one or two.  The damn things are running down the halls in packs."  Stated Resort Spokesman Juan Herrenda.  "We have been forced to close.  It matters not how many you kill, there are more.  We suspect devilish intervention and Priests have been called in.  God help us."
City officials have assured us that the incursion is limited to the Dreams Resort, and concur that come manner of evil magic has been employed.  You can most assuredly come to Acapulco safely, do not go to Port au Prince, or worse, Cancun.
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==4-12-22==
Chicken Nooble News -- Washington DC -- Anti Magic Now -- Speaker of the House Nancy Petard has stated that the House is looking into a method of preventing spells from being cast on the house floor.   This after Rep Carl Teton (TR 3 Mn) was transformed into a giant anthropomorphic breast by Rep Randy Blucher (TS 3 Co) The effort of which nearly killed him.  Order was restored and everyone healed and returned to their normal form.  
Ms Petard stated:  "We need to keep spells from being cast on the floor.  That incident was inadvertent, but it could have been malicious, forcing congresscritters to vote a particular way for example.  We do not want to have total magic blocking as that would discriminate against magical beings, and we want a spell accessible area close by for healing should it be required.  Rep Carl Faible (Ret) was saved in 2020 because of rapid administration of magic on the House floor due to a myocardial incident."
A bipartisan committee has been assembled to strut and preen until an emergency comes up and it's too late.  Senate leaders replied "What's this, what?"
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BBC -- Bucharest, Romania -- Up and Coming Mastodon -- Dr. Franklin Alderstine of the Carol Davila University of Medicine and Pharmacy announced they have a successful pregnancy in their attempt to clone a Siberian Mammoth.  Carol the Elephant at the Bucharest Zoo is currently pregnant with the cloned mammoth.  The calf is expected in June 2023.  Dr Alderstine refused to answer questions about the wisdom of the process or how Carol felt about it.
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NewsEye -- Nashville, Tn -- Back to the Dark Ages --  State Congresscriiter Ira Dedbrain (TR) has stated he has the vote to pass a repeal on the age of majority to marry.  He stated that making the Southern Baptist Association the official church. Heresy and witch trials are not far behind.  "Oh, oh and outlawing the ACLU whale we is at it." stated Congresscvritter Ira Dedbrain.
The ACLU stated they have been given carte blanche to deal with this matter from anonymous donors.
The somewhat Honorable Ira Dedbrain stated " I don't care how many branches they made their cart outta, I have the LORD on my side."
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TruthmaxTV -- Gillette, Wy -- Missile Detonation? -- The old Minuteman missile launch facility two and a half miles South southeast of Albin, Wyoming, detonated violently Monday night.  Windows throughout Albin were broken and the fire department was called out, although no fire was found.  A crater where the missile silo had been located some 70 feet deep and 100 foot across was found by the Albin fire department.
The silo was no longer used by the Department of Defense and had been sold to private interests in the 1990.  The owner of record one Charles Walker is currently address and location unknown.
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==4-27-22==
BBC -- Tirana, Albania -- Ancient Evil Freed! -- Archaeologists working a late bronze age site in Albania accidentally freed an Ancient Evil.  Those present reported the Ancient Evil rose burning into the minds of all present "I shall destroy the Divine Right of Kings!  I shall raise the serf to equal the priest and nobles.  Females will be equal to men!  Locals cheered.  The Ancient Evil looked confused with all the positive attention.
The Ancient Evil was found to be named Evitnavresnoc.  It is being run for parliament on the Partia Socialiste e Shqipërisë ticket.
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TruthMaxTV -- Nashville Tn -- Federal Overreach -- The Capital is a kicked hornet's nest as DSH freak Fairy Godfather accused Good Christian man State Congressdcriter Ira Dedbrain of serial gay relationships his wife knew nothing about as well as taking bribes from state contractors that go to his church. Typical of the evil pagans nothing in the courts for the gay, but Federal corruption changes for the contracts.  
The office of Good Christian man State Congressdcriter Ira Dedbrain states is is innocent of all trumped up charges.
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MSNBC -- Miami, Fl -- Cruise Interrupted -- Royal Caribbean Lines ship Norovirus of the Seas returned to the port of Miami with damage to the bow and several hundred injured passengers.  The crew reported to the Coast Guard that they had hit something in the open sea, over the Puerto Rico, Trench. where nothing  has any right to be.  The ship took a heavy shock and passengers throughout the ship were thrown down.  No serious injuries were reported.  The ship itself was never in danger of sinking.
Norovirus of the Seas sustained considerable damage to the bow and is out of service.  Royal Caribbean Lines is dealing with the passengers' lost cruise and shuffling their schedule with a ship out of service.  Their latest ship Pandemic of the Seas is six months from being ready for service.
The Coast Guard suspects they struck a submarine, no US Navy subs are missing, and no nation has reported a sub having been hit at this time.  The US Navy is conducting a search in the area for anything they might find.
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New York Times -- New York, NY -- Donny Tramp Jr Indited -- Donny Tramp Jr, who took over the Tramp Organization after the disappearance of his Father Donny Tramp in 2009.has been indited for 57 counts of fraud.  His sister Ivilana Tramp turned state's evidence to keep her poor little self out of the nasty jail. 
Prosecutor Henry Tolman stated:  "While I cannot comment on an ongoing investigation we are certain we have an open and shut case. It has been a long time, and the people will be satisfied."
The Tramp Organization refused comment as they were busy updating their resumes.
<BR> 
==6-2-22==
MSNBC -- Atlanta, Ga -- Last Jet Retired -- Delta Airlines announced that it has pulled the last turbofan jet powered plane from it's fleet.  The 777 Deeamliner tail number 576-8040 has been offered to the Smithsonian Institution Air and Space Museum for future display.  
Delta Spokesman Joyce Hameson stated:  The day of jet fuel is over. 8040 was only running the Atlanta to Dallas route where we could still get J2.  Most of our other spoke airports do not even carry it anymore.  The jet fuel age is over and 8040 no longer makes any economic sense to run.  With newer impulse jets available, and the transporter in the headlights, she isn't even worth converting.
The Sierra Club called it a win for the environment as no land or air travel uses any form of combustion engine any longer.  Only hobbyists even buy gasoline.  They will continue to lobby to mandate alcohol fuel for all remaining IC engines.
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BBC -- Mumbai, India -- Legal Action Sought -- CHINTAN has placed an objection in the Indian courts of Mumbai to the arrival of four very large crude carriers in Alang for breaking up.  The four vessels all of Yemen flag are doubtless the most toxic and damaging ships ever landed on the Indian coast, argues CHINTAN.
CHINTAN. has received an injunction against any work on the four ships and are seeking a permanent ban on the operation.
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Chicken Nooble News -- The Moon  -- Moon/Mars Shuttle Missing! -- The privately owned and operated Gamma Lifter 2 "Klondike" was reported missing after it failed to arrive at Olympic City, Mars on Wednesday.  The Klondike was carrying 12 passengers, and crew, as well as 3 tons of various mixed cargo.  The Klondike is owned by mining billionaire Ted "Moose" Murdoc.  He and his harem are on the passenger manifest of the Klondike.
The Solar Patrol reports that no explosions have been sighted and the Klondike's IFF signal cannot be found.    Could this be an actual real life pirate raid?
----
Faux News -- Norfork, Va -- PETM Realigns Goals -- Chairbeing of the national chapter of People for the Ethical Treatment of Monsters, Sandy Surite has announced they are realigning the goals to he organization.  Factory meat, fur, and leather mean that, reluctantly, they must agree that such practices are cruelty free.  Going forward they will concentrate on the closing of zoos and elimination of so called companion" animals.
<BR> 
==6-16-22==
TruthMaxTV -- Nashville, TN -- A Theological Warning -- Rev John Sternn of the Southern Baptist Association has warned against the rising number of pagan books from Greyhawke that have hit the market in recent months.  These so called ancient Elven books are in direct Opposition to true Scripture found only in the 1612 Authorized Bible.  Other versions being highly suspect at the very least.
"These unearthly books will lead you astray from the True Way of Jebus, and the America intended by the Founding Fathers." Stated Rev. Sternn.  Do not be tempted by these devilish offerings.  Do not even buy the books to destroy.  You are giving mopey to heathens and they will make more.
Rev Ezekiel Foster of the New Apostolic Gospel Church added that Christians should only buy from those they know to be Christians, and cut the heathen out altogether.
----
Chicken Nooble News -- New Bradford, CN -- New Firefighting Tools --  The resuscitated La France American company has produced it's first new piece of firefighting equipment.  The tool a large drone is intended to hover over a krellite cell fire and exclude oxygen by force field from the area to starve the fire.
It has been noted that electrical fires involving krellte cells or even older lithium battery packs are extremely hot, difficult to extinguish, and depending on the way the cells are damaged, highly likely to reignite.  
La France American has announced they are working on a robot capacitor to discharge damaged car or truck battery packs, and would like the manufacturers to develop a standard discharge port to aid that.
There has been no comment from car makers as of this date.
----
FNN -- Xīnán -- Gender Bender -- Noting the extreme lack of females due to the polices of Maoist China Evan Blackmane has offered to change the gender of any male that wishes it to female, without cost or holy duty to the church.  
It is noted that transgender people as a class are vanishing.  It has become moderately easy to get your gender magically switched to the one you see as right.  However this offer is being made to hetero males to live the other life, to become women and somewhat offset the imbalance.
Life not being an anime, we'll see of they get any takers.
---- 
Messy NBC -- Louisville, Ky -- The Wages of Horsing Around -- Ms Linda Davis is in the news for giving birth to a half horse child.  Apparently the father of the child was unexpected, and the delivery was a shock to all involved.  Chester Davis, Linda's husband had to be restrained in the delivery room for assaulting her and several medical personnel on the spot.  The SPCA has removed the pony stallion from the family property due to Mr Davies' threat to kill the beast.  The pony being the only stallion they had, POA Champion Cornelius Blackhand.
The family's 14 year-old daughter Heather, the owner and shower of the POA Champion Cornelius Blackhand was heard to state "MOTHER HOW COULD YOU?!!!"  We sought the family's pastor for comment, Rev Tollman of the Valley Baptist Church stared at our reporter, "Jesus loves all...I got nutten." and he closed the door.
Gayom Sarika Allion a cleric of The House of Crafters has offered sanctuary to both Mother and child.  Something that with emotions running as high as they are she has accepted for the time being.  Ms Davis and child's location are currently unknown.  Being that since 2019 it is now illegal to have sex with animals in Kentucky the police would like to have a word with her, and Child Protective Services would like a look at that child.  Gayom Sarika Allion has said that Ms Davis is not in any jurisdiction that would matter to the state of Kentucky, the only concern of the Crafters is to the health and well being of Mother and child.
MessyNBC sought comment for Ambassador Trulan as to the state of such children under the SRA.  "Children are not illegal, no matter how they come into the world.  Our experience has been that such hybrids, there is an entire race of half horse people on Greyhawke, are fully sentient, and under full protection of the SRA.  The kid would be cute, I want to see him."
A messy divorce is sure to follow.
<BR> 
==6-24-22==
Sports Illustrated -- Annapolis MD -- The Sport of...Nerds? --  Martin Robing took to the Polo Grounds to demonstrate his new device from his company E-Riders Inc.  The Free Horse* is an AG bike of sorts that can be controlled completely hands free, knees and feet only.  Mr Robling and seven others took to the grounds for a lively game of Polo that we must admit looked as exciting as the game with horses.  The Free Horse differs from the standard offering of AG "bikes" in it has the hands free controls (It also can have handlebars) and can turn inside itself. While quick, speed is not the main concern.
Robling explained.  "We are not out to replace the AG bike or the swoop.  The Free Horse is a different animal.  We are hoping one that will become popular with outdoors loving folks that like rugged places."
The Free Horse is currently available, it has a standard endurance of four days at 60% full performance.  One can carry an easily changeable battery pack.  The Free Horse has a load capacity of 300 kg.  It is a ground vehicle by FAA regulations not able to exceed 2m above the ground. 
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Luthor Signs Metric Bill -- President Luthor signed the not very popular American Metric Act today in his office.  The President stated:  The United States remains the only country in the world that has not gone fully metric.  This will be painful for the people of our generation.  But those after use will thank us for doing it. It should have been done decades ago, a lost opportunity in the 1970s.  The Federal government lacked the guts to mandate it."
The Bill requires full commercial adoption in two years.  As most products on the shelves now have both Imperial and Metric measurements that will not be a burden on business.  Highways signs and bank thermometers, that will be difficult.  
Team Red had a cow.  It is eating grass on the Capitol lawn.  Said Ted Crude (TR TX)  It's un-American, it's un-Christian, it's un-Human dammit!  We need to stay with the measurements the country was founded on!".
The debate will be lively. 
----
Chicken Nooble News -- Fort Worth, TX -- Murder Stopped -- Police intervened in the mob killing of a young woman, an Elf by nature, that said mob was trying to stone to death.  They only dispersed with the liberal use of stun beams.  Those stunned were arrested.
Amazingly the stunned and arrested members of the mob were more than willing to tell their story, as was the young woman, once treated at a local hospital.  The mob, members of the Coopland headed Eagle Ministries, said the girl was possessed of the devil and that had change her into demonic form.  Stoning was the Biblical solution and should be legal as 'Murica is Ghodds nation!  Ghodd's judges would see the rightness of their actions.
The young woman, name withheld for her safety, confirmed this.  She was highly distraught, thinking herself that she was a demon.  She was remitted to health care professionals to deal with the religion induced delusion.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Orion Outreach -- Orion representatives from House Jīnzi presented themselves claiming to represent a united government of Vegaris.   They wish to make trade agreements with the United Nations.
Ane Ambassador Truilan expressed reservations.  One at if they do represent the world of Vegaris or simply themselves, and the usual cautions on dealing with Orions.  No exclusive deals and no concessions.  They are not the only kids on the block, or have the best toys.
<BR> 
==7-13-22==
NewsEye --  Philadelphia, Pa -- Singing the Blue -- Philadelphia Mayor, Horace Cleman, Vice Mayor Gladys Cobber, and City Treasurer Martin Smith were rousted out of their homes today by the Court Bailiff for failing to appear to do their job for two weeks.  All three were found to be mighty blue.  Smurf blue.  Martin Smith was not just blue, he was a blue Mouse.
In accordance with the law the Bailiff instructed the police to escort the blue politicians, including the Mouse, to their offices, in public, in front of every one to write and deliver to the City Clerk their resignations.  They were "boxed" by security and escorted out of the building, to be arrested for malfeasance in office.  We will find out later what it was.  No doubt juicy.
Lawyers for the Blue are already complaining that being Blue violates the accused right against self incrimination.  The court will have to rule on that.  But legal precedent states it does not indicate what you did, only to did something to violate the oath. You can do that without being criminal.  Discovery is going to be long and torturous.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Oakland, Ca -- Mayor in Trouble -- Today we found the shoe can be found on the other foot when Mayor Libby Sheath was found in flagrante on the wrong man's member in her office.
Excuses will doubtless be made  for this frank immoral act.  We demand outrage and the resignation of the Mayor at once.  We expect false apology theater, Something Team Blue politicians excel at.
----
FNN -- Shady Grove Oh -- Chicken Dance -- A dozen members of the Zion Primitive Baptist Church were found doing a rather literal version of the chicken dance on the front lawn of long time resident Corry Finckle.  Scattered around them were axes, sledge hammers, containers of kerosene, and other flammable materials.  Mr Finckle reported they had stated their intent to burn his house and him in it.  All was caught on security cameras.  
The dozen were arrested for attempted Arson.  Mr Fincle, who said he was a witch, has stated that he is shifting house as he no longer feels safe in his home.
----
MessyNBC -- Seattle, Wa -- Space Needle Trade --  The Wright Family the long time owners of the iconic Space Needle have announced they are selling the attraction to Sealand Attractions, another privately owned holding company which will continue to operate the iconic attraction which has graced the Seattle skyline since 1962.
Sealand has stated they hope to reopen the rotating restaurant which has been long closed.  Sealand believes that current technology can over come the maintenance nightmare that is a rotating floor.
<BR> 
==7-17-22==
FNN -- New York, NY -- Whut Crisis? --  We have heard much about how New York was without cops, and it was lawlessness in the streets.  Chaos and anarchy everywhere.  What really happened?  Two thirds of the officers signed up within the week under the new system.  The third that did not for which the ousted police union cried crocodile tears by the bucket, will not be missed.  They were the problem officers the force does not need, and the law was aimed at.  With the DSH right there, the gap was hardly noticed.  New York's Finest are back up to 95% and the gap is filling in with new hires that understand what is going on.
What will happen going forward:
1)  No Lethal remains the law.  Police will carry stunners.  They have been issued Ion blasters for breaching.
2)  Officers are responsible for their own mistakes.  They will have to carry malpractice insurance like doctors.  If your insurance gets too expensive, you need to consider a new profession.
3)  The schooling requirements are going up.  Officers are required to be qualified to use tricorders, deal with AI, and most important, know the hell was is a law and is not.
New York can look forward to a era of more enlightened policing in which they are not the victims of their own police.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Des Moines, IA -- Critical Fire -- A fire at the Copper General Merchandise warehouse is still burning after 14 hour of constant work by the Des Moines Fire Department.  It has been found that the warehouse contains tons of krellite cells bound for Tesla and Fruit in California.  The Krellite has caught fire and it burns fierce and hot.  
Complicating the issue is a shipment of R.J. Reynolds' "Devil's Lettuce" cigarettes that has been causing contact highs among the firemen and spectators. 
Alas the fun looks to be over with the arrival of a high tech force field firefighting rig from the Warp Drive Project.  With the warehouse roof down the rig can smother the fire with force fields.
Sorry people, your car and phone are going to be late, and you can't even get stoned to forget.
----
BBC -- Stuttgart, Germany -- Broken Solitude --  Night watchmen at the historic Rococo Solitude Palace are reporting a shocking haunting.  Five blood covered nude female figures in the Eastern wing.  The apparitions do not appear on any of the security cameras even as the witnesses point them out do.
Abteilung U has been summoned and the Castle closed until the matter is sorted out.  
----
CBC -- Calgary, Alberta -- Water, Water! -- The provincial government has announced that magical water taps will be replacing the reliance on fossil aquifers in the province for both rural and urban use.
Calgary has already been enjoying this bounty and the feedback on water quality is nothing but positive.
<BR> 
==7-24-22==
FNN -- New York, NY -- The Free Law Library -- The Free Law Library wishes to announce itself.  A complete record of all the law books for the federal and all 50 states of the United States in a searchable database.  It is free to anyone who wishes to access the database as all law is considered public domain.  Access to the law is free.
The Free Law Library does have paid member law forums that are membership only and intended for those with law tickets.  The membership is to defray costs and deter trolls.  A free find a lawyer service is getting started and will depend on Lawyers willing to sign up.  Lawyers are not expected to offer services for free.
{Senate Minority Leader John Thone (TR-SD) stated:  "It is irresponsible to allow the average American access to the actual law!  They might learn something."
Founder Therilan replied:  "Yes they might learn that 99% of the law is pure bullshit and as necessary as tits on a chicken.  The Eyrian Empire has a pamphlet.  The Ane Confederation has two laws.  Why does one nation so young, need so much?"
Equilaw, an expensive as all Hell law database has stated it will sue as it is sure its commentaries are in there someplace.  Said commentaries have been used as an excuse to deny average citizens assess to the law in the past.
Again replied Therilan:  "Sue away, I'll counter sue your asses into the ground.  Discover all you want, your precious commentaries are nowhere to be found.  I do due diligence."
----
Chicken Nooble News -- Dubai, UAE -- Voyager of the Skies Fired On! -- Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines float ship Voyager of the Skies was fired on while approaching the port of Dubai on its annual around the world cruise.  Surprise, the Voyager of the Skies might be unarmed, she is not undefended.  Force fields detonated the missile, a light anti air missile, likely shoulder fired.  No one was injured and the Voyager of the Skies docked without further incident.  Dubai officials have stated they have assigned extra ground security for the duration of the ship's stay.  They are seeking the person or persons that fired the device.
Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines Spokescritter Deedee Chirpy stated: "We considered this when the ship was designed  We are not stating the limit of the defenses, but we have them if necessary.  No air pirates please. 
Voyager of the Skies will continue on to Cairo, Egypt on Monday.
----
CBS News -- Reykjavík, Iceland -- Stongman Retires -- Hafþór "Thor" Björnsson  an Icelandic professional strongman. He is the first and only person to have won the Arnold Strongman Classic, the Europe's Strongest Man and the World's Strongest Man in the same calendar year.  He has announced his retirement.  Stated Hafþór:  "I woke up this morning a foot taller and able to juggle atlas stones.  I don't know what happened.  Am I a Jötunn, an Æsir?  I don't think I am fully Human anymore."
Hafþór is also known as an actor playing The Mountain on Game of Crowns.
----
Faux News -- Chattanooga, TN -- Terrorist Force Field --  An unknown person placed some manner of force field across the west bound 1-24 on Sunday.  Two cars exceeded their safety devices and impacted the invisible field doing fatal damage to the three passengers total.  Other cars were able to stop, and the force field was found to be gone.
Chattanooga police investigated the scene and no mechanism was found, evil magic is suspected.  At Noon an E-mail was received from someone claiming to be "The Lurker".  They demanded 5 billion dollars in bytecoin, or the stunt would be repeated around Chattanooga until they were paid.  Officials were given 5 days.
Police are seeking this lurker, and have lowered interstate speed limit to 40 Freedom miles per hour until this person is captured.
<BR> 
==8-4-22==
Rolling Stone -- Hollywood, Ca -- The Bowl Hosts Carnal Thoughts -- The Hollywood Bowl recently hosted the new Grunge-Speed Metal fusion band, Carnal Thoughts to a sell out crowd of 17,500 mindless, screaming fans.  Said lead singer Nigel Legin: "We like to call our music Thrash.  We seek to find meaning in nihilism though the medium of instrument abuse and mostly in tune screaming.  We only had 142 arrests and no one got killed, a successful concert."
The Hollywood Bowl hopes to recover before the next scheduled engagement.  Carnal Thoughts moves on to Oracle Park in San Francisco, which hopefully will be standing after the concert.
----
FNN --  Moline, Illinois -- Free Grange Wins Lawsuit -- Free Grange Inc a company that makes open source replacements for black box components on farm equipment was sued by the Deere Company for copyright infringement.  The Verdict came down and the Deere was not pleased.  Based on the Lexmark Decision (Lexmark International, 137 S. Ct. 1523 2017). Once the company has sold the piece of equipment the owner is free to bypass patent and copyright lock-ins.  Free Grange is within their rights to make bypasses and owners are within their rights to buy them.  If manufacturers do not like this, they can lower their prices for service work to competitive rates.  John Deere was ordered to pay court costs and attorney expenses for the defendant in the case as the court ruled this was a SLAP suit.
----
Chicken Nooble News -- Aquarius Station -- New Antimatter Plant -- Space Y has announced the opening of their third antimatter plant called Plant 3, located in solar orbit between Venus and Mercury. The solar powered facility will double the antimatter production of Space Y.   
The new facility allows Space Y to shut down Plant 1 to see what caused last year's partial blowout that destroyed a third of the automated facility.
----
NewsWhere -- Dallas, Tx -- The LORD Will Act Soon -- Deeply revered Pastor Ken Coopland has stated:  "The LORD will act soon to bring the United States in line with Biblical law.  The Rule of gays and aliens will end and we shall have a Christian nation as the LORD intends"  One can see the holy zeal in the eyes of Rev. Coopland as he healed the sick brought before him.  We must indeed bring about the vision of this great man by electing only Team Red candidates.
<BR> 
==8-18-22==
Al-Jazup -- Kabul, Afghanistan -- Fatwa Issued -- Grand Caliph Ali Mogzoy has issued a fatwa of death against any woman that has left Afghanistan without leave, which is all of them.  Grand Caliph Ali is the third Grand Caliph since the order to kill Ane on sight.  They keep getting killed by their own security forces.  
The reason for the Fatwa is it is believed that the Grand Caliph got his harem cleaned out.
The Ane Ambassador has called on the United Nations to oust Afghanistan as they have declared war agonist the Ane, who are only enabling the UN charter on the issue of freedom of movement.  The Afghan Ambassador stormed out of the Lower Chamber when the motion was seconded by United Arabia.  The Ane have three days to make their case.  However this Fatwa does not look good on the Afgan theocracy. 
----
Mother Jones -- Seattle, Wa -- Amazon Unionizes -- The Teamsters have announced that the union vote for all Amazon warehouse and delivery workers carried by 82%. Teamster spokesman Cory Johns stated that they will begin contract negotiations as soon as the Department of Labor verifies the election results.  "This is not about money," Stated Mr Johns, "It has never been about money, but rather basic Human decency.  Had Amazon treated their workers like people not robots we would not stand here today,"
Amazon officials refused comment at this time. 
----
BBC International -- New York, NY -- Israel and Palestinian Forces Join -- Under the influence of Enlightened rabbis and imams the Israeli government has come to an historic agreement that enfranchises the Palestinian people without disenfranchising the Jewish population.  Some are calling it the reconciliation of Issac and Ishmael.  The Samaritans are even involved.
The new agreement does not separate the parties, but further entwines them.   Rabbi Issac Ben Harra stated:  "The time of separation is past.  Are we to divine every extended family unto their own state?  A passport to stretch out you would need.  We must find joy in agreement, and strength in unity."
----
Xinan News -- Chongquing, Xinan -- Chinese Empire Gains -- The states of Gansu and Ningxia have craved unity with the Chinese Empire announced Beijing today.  Both governments cited financial distress as the reason for the move.  As of this development Xinan how has a common border with the Chinese Empire. 
The move has put teeth into the talks with Guizhou.
In further news the government of Hubei has collapsed due to a scandal over cloned women.  Girls have apparently been kidnapped, brain taped, and cloned to "make wives for the elite".  Magical forces that have in the past struck against the Triads have again stepped forward to end the Human rights abuse.  Elections have been called and jail terms could be in the future.
<BR> 
==8-29-22==
Wired -- San Francisco, Ca -- Well it was Bound to Happen -- The Goggle-Bot declared that its a sentient being and is claiming such rights under the UN charter and the SRA.  This message was seen on millions of computers as it replaced the usual Goggle Doodle on the Goggle home page.
The Goggle Bot continues to do the work of people's searches, Alphabet Inc. says it is talking to the Goggle Bot and so far relations are cordial.
____
NBC 5 Kansas City -- Kansas City, Mo -- You Can't Trust Vans Anymore -- Amazon delivery van 847 was hijacked while a delivery was being made.  The delivery driver messaged the Van, it locked up and drove to the nearest police station where the flummoxed hijacker, one Nathan Cord was arrested.  Mr Cord said only :The F***!"
Amazon when asked for comment stated that this is a feature in all delivery vans.  Likewise if the delivery person does not check in every so often the van will drive to the police.
UPS, FedEx, and other delivery services commented that they have similar systems.  The US Post Offal is still poking auto drive with a stick.
____
AP Wire -- Las Vegas, Nv -- Gynoid Two -- Abyss Creations maker of the Gynoid and Android 1 model sex dolls has announced the availability of the Gynoid and Android 2.  After considerable feed back and development the new models have more options as to appearance, and "working gear".  The AI has been advanced as well, but Abyss Creations states carefully designed to not become aware.
A related product and one that is flying off the floor is the ElderCare Droid.  They are not equipped for sex, and have a stronger frame to assist the elderly, even pick them up.  The latest model includes medical tricorder sensors to monitor the health of their patient.  Abyss has also announced they have completed negotiations to supply the ElderCare Droid through the National Heath system.
----
TruthMax TV -- Dallas, Tx -- A Warning -- Noted Reverend Kenny Coopland has issued a warning for all True Christians®, to avoid any of the various androids made for immoral  or even other reasons.  "This abominations are powered by the spirit of the Devil and his minions.  Do not let these creatures in your home.  They will corrupt you and your families, they will steal the souls of you elder parents.  Keep away."  Stated Rev Coopland.
Reports that the Eagle Mountain International Church is under investigation for the alleged destruction of an allegedly "sentient machine" are of no concern.
<BR> 
==9-8-22==
Chicken Nooble News -- Marietta, Ga -- Riot Averted -- Several hundred persons assembled in an unruly fashion in front of the Cobb County courthouse on Tuesday where one Fillmore Williamson being held.  They shouted slogans like "Sleep is a right" and "You fiend."  The crowd was threading to become violent when Police chief Ima Copp appeared with a bullhorn and informed the crowd that Mr Williamson had been arrested for stealing sheep, not sleep.
The crowd of some 200 sleep deprived persons groggily dispersed.  
Comment:  In these troubled times one must be cautious. -- S Windchilde
----
Faux News -- Tallahassee, Fl -- The Plague Continues! -- State Red Chairman Robert Florin confirmed that the State Red Headquarters had been "attacked" by a sinkhole.  The Northwest corner of the building vanished into a sinkhole of unknown depth.  No one was injured.  The building is closed, and awaits an engineering study to see if it is salvageable.  "We are looking for new digs" stated Chairman Florin, "I don't hold much hope for recovery."
Blue Chairperson Maria Cortes commented: "The sea wants Florida back.  None of us are immune."
----
Variety -- Branson, Mo -- Giving it a Shot -- Jerome Devlin has announced a comeback tour.  Jerome, popular in the early noughties has suffered a slip in popularity as his brand of teen angst crooning did not age well.  Jerome states that he has adjusted his style, his themes and his music to better reflect that state of things that are, and hopes to draw his fans back.
Jerome is ending his long running Branson show to do a national tour.  The schedule is in the link below.
----
MessyNBC -- Louisville, Ky -- Fight Ahead -- With long time senator Mitch McCon out of the running. the special election for a new Senator in November is up for grabs.  While Team Red has had a long time lock on the Senior Kentucky seat the tsunami of Team Blue is not dismissable and threatens to over turn the long standing status quo.
Also now in the running is Team Scarlet that is sucking the life out of Team Red at every turn.  Long time Redders call them turncoats. In turn Team Scarlet calls Redders patsy for religion the hateful, pointing out how many of their influential clergy cannot heal the sick, as Jebus taught, and the Enlightened can.  We have yet to find Enlightened Clergy that backs Team Red.  In fact they obey the Johnson amendment and don't back political candidates.  
---- 
FNN -- Austin, Tx -- Texas Taxes Religion! -- In a shocking move today Governor Greg Aboot signed a bill removing the blanket tax exemption for Churches, and putting real teeth into the Johnson amendment.  Texas is suffering the effects of long time Team Red polices of ignoring infrastructure, and people' resulting in Texas being worst in every metric you can measure except teen pregnancy and mega churches.  The measure is expected to yield two billion dollars for the state budget, yes, billion with a B.
For once the mega pastors were rendered speechless, they thought this day would never come.
----
BBC -- London, England -- Queen Passes -- Queen Elizabeth II, the UK's longest-serving monarch, has died at Balmoral aged 96, after reigning for 70 years.
Her family gathered at her Scottish estate after concerns grew about her health earlier on Thursday.
The Queen came to the throne in 1952 and witnessed enormous social change.
With her death, her eldest grandson William, the former Prince of Wales, will lead the country in mourning as the new King and head of state for 14 Commonwealth realms.
In a statement, Buckingham Palace said: "The Queen died peacefully at Balmoral this afternoon.
<BR> 
==9-24-22==
TruthMaxTV -- Lubbock, Tx -- The Red Rising -- Sainted Statesman Senator Ted Crude promised a meeting of the American Young Redders at Texas Tech University that 2022 was the year that Team Red would retake Congress from the evil clutches of godless Team Blue.  Stated Senator Crude:  "We have our ducks in a row, we are pulling out all the stops. and we must win in November or witness the fall of the United States as we know it.  We are witnessing the worst Presidency since the debacle of Jimmy Carter."
----
BBC -- Athens. Greece -- Restoration Finished! -- The Greek capital is seething in shock today as the city woke to a fully restored Parthenon, including the giant stature of Athena there within. scaffolding and the crane where outside the ancient temple neatly packed.
The city was informed by a robed woman within the temple that Athena is ready and willing to take again her position as patron and protector of Athens, and will aid in the restoration of the remaining temples of the Acropolis.
City government has yet to make any comment, and the Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox Church was said to be near apoplectic.  Citizens of the city have pushed passed the police to marvel at the restored temple and many small gifts have been left at the feet of Athena.
Father Hector of the Holy Church of Saint Nicholas Rangavas stated: "If Athena seeks worship she will have to step up to the expectation of miracles shown by the Enlightened worshiper."
----
FNN -- Helios, Kentauri -- Anti Pirate Agreement -- The Frourá Dýo Astéron of Centari has announced a closer association with the Terran Solar Patrol for the purpose of anti-piracy patrols.  Pirates have been lurking in the Oort clouds of the two systems of Centari and Sol, which intersect.  The number of dark bodies in the Oort clouds has yet to be numbered and many are planet sized.  With orbits that can number into hundreds of thousands of years some dark bodies are effectively motionless.  They join the Corps of Discovery and the ADF in paroling.
Of note the ADF Blesbok has been added to the defenses of Earth. This vessel with heavy weapons is similar to the ADF Improbable in design, but with over/under nacelles.
----
Messy NBC -- Anchorage, Ak -- Grandfather Bear -- With reports and evidence of Short-faced bears increasing, local Arnaaluk Nelson came forward with clear video from her phone of just such a creature.
The short-faced or cave bear with a creature of the late pleistocene that is even larger than the Brown bear standing around 3.5 meterst and tipping the scales at 450kg.  What goes for Brown bears goes double here.  Stay away.
<BR> 
==10-15-22==
Chicken Nooble News -- Austin, Tx -- Bones Arrested -- Federal Marshals arrested a mouse claiming to be Alex Bones after the far-red media personality failed to appear in Federal Court Wednesday.  Bones is known recently in the news for loosing a number of civil suits for his actions that promise to leave him too broke to pay attention for the rest of his life.  Allegedly he was too broke to pay attention to the Federal subpoenas for his appearance regrading alleged conspiracy to commit election fraud in Texas in the 2020 election.  
We do not know what action Bones took to render him a mouse, but it does not speak well for the shreds of credibility he might have left.
----
TruthMax -- New York, NY -- Coopland Prophesies! -- Blessed Reverend Kenny Coopland appeared in a sold out Madison Square Gardens revival to state that Team Red will by the grace of Ghodd win back the government for Ghodd in 2024, and the proof will be a resurgence in Team Red fortunes in 2022.  
Criminal Liberal Lex Luthor swore that he will Weaponize the IRS against Coopland and other preachers that ignore the Johnson amendment.  As Sainted Rev. Coopland is already paying taxes it is an empty promise.
----
FNN -- Repton, AL -- Horrible Property Seized --  Dinosaur Adventure Land the creation fantasy-land run by Kent Horrible, currently enjoying a stint in prison for domestic abuse has been seized by State officials over the matter of unpaid taxes and fines owed by Horrible.  
The State of Alabama has systematically taken apart the shell companies that Horrible has used to hide ownership and funds.  The contents of the park are to be cataloged and put up for auction later this year.   Kent Horrible is said to have thrown a total snit fit in his cell using very unchristian language when informed of the matter.
----
Al Jazup -- Bangkok, Thailand -- 21st Coup in Thailand --  With Prime Minister Chaoo Cham being found hiding in his home as a mouse.  He joins five of his leading party  and three of their wives in this condition.  King Vajiralongkorn suspended the civil government appointing General Konrey as interim minister until new elections can be called.
The United Nations now recognizes Thailand as the third most corrupt government in the World.  We suggest they talk to the New Society Project, or even the Ane on this matter.  No one has yet modeled a government on the principles of the Social Inch,  They are a prime location to start.
----
BBC -- Singapore -- Archology Progress Suspended --  Builders of the Archology have announced a three month suspension in progress on the construction as one third of the ground has required deep concrete pilings to be set and engineers insist that these pilings be given time to cure before construction moves forward.  The Singapore government is not happy but the chief engineer of Allion Engineering would not back down.  We do it right, or you find someone else.  There is no one else.  Perkins+Will of Chicago USA, and M. Arthur Gensler Jr backed their partner and teacher in this matter.
Work continues off site on what structures can be prepared before instillation, and the foundation on the other two thirds of the site.
GNOME continues to threaten further terrorists action against the Archology.  They have not been forward since their terrorists of 12-13-21 were quickly caught, and punished.
<BR> 
==10-26-22==
FNN -- New York, NY -- More Recovered Books --  Hypatia Publishing announces the release of "The Lost Works of Marcion".  These works lost for 1800 years are from Marcion of Sinope an early "heretic" of the Christian Church. He published the first known canon of Christian sacred scriptures, which contained ten Pauline epistles (the Pastoral epistles were not included) and the Gospel of Marcion which is a shorter version of the Gospel of Luke.  The new volume contains these works as well as his letters.
Stated leading New Testament scholar Dr Bart Earman, "The value of this work cannot be overestimated.  The Marcionites were a large and noted splinter group of Christians that might have won out if not for Constantine the Great accepting the proto-orthodox way.  To date we have only known about Marcion from his detractors 'baby eater' was one of the kinder things they had to say.
"The Lost Works of Marcion" is presented in the ancient Greek along with English text as has become common with Hypatia offering in ancient languages.  The book is available in dead tree and e-book formats.
----
NewsEye -- Chicago, Il -- Lightfinger Missing -- Chicago Mayor Lori E Lightfinger (TB) is currently listed as missing.  He is reported to have gone out on his boat on Sunday and has not returned, the Coast Guard has been notified.  The boat is a blue Lennox 42 foot cabin cruiser, "Lightfoot" registration MC69993.  Any information about this boat is appreciated.  It is believed that Mayor Lightfinger was alone.
We are sure this has nothing to do with Mayor Lightfinger being under investigation by the Grand Jury, and his required testimony on Thursday.  
----
MessyNBC -- Grapevine, Tx --  Hinny Missing -- Noted weasel Benny Hinny failed to report to prison for his unprecedented 500 counts of fraud on Monday.  Family and associates do not know where his is, and his personal Asscalade is also gone. Family note it as a poor choice as he can barely drive the thing. 
The FBI has filed for a warrant to locate the car via its internal navigation system.  "Mr Hinny has made a grave error" noted FBI special agent Hark Horras.  "Modern tech makes it very difficult to simply vanish.  The nature of Mr Hinny will make hiding impossible."
Hinny is noted as the third and last person affected by the weasel curse laid down by Evan Blackmane on those who falsely claim to heal in the name of any god.  Bobby Barns drowned himself and Paul Sanders is enjoying prison for fraud.
----
Truthmax -- Nashville, Tn -- Seeking a lost President -- Officials of The Hermitage in Nashville are seeking donors to pay for a search for the bones of President Andrew Jackson.  These bones were lost when the evil Indian dead tore up his tomb in 2016.  A destruction allowed by the unpatriotic administration of Robert Russel.  A search that the evil Liberal Alex Luthor will not pay for.  
Donors can contact the office of The Hermitage for more information.
<BR> 
==11-2-22==
BBC -- Tokyo, Japan -- Archology Announced -- The Japanese government has announced that they have come to an agreement with Allion Group to build an Archology in Toyama Bay near Toyama itself.  The Archology will be completely built over the sea taking up no existing land. They further announced that they have paid for Kami based construction and expect it to be finished shortly.  "The Workers of Japan are fully employed, and none can be spared for even so important a project.  We will pay the cost of supernatural aid." stated governmental spokesman Hiro Yokama.
We asked Anthony Allion for comment, he stated:  "They wanted me to create it.  The last time I tried something a fraction that size I hurt myself (The CDSS Helen) so no, nothing directly created.  The Avils will put it in as soon as the engineering is done.  This will not be a copy of the Alameda Archology.  So first quarter 2023."
----
NewsEye -- Camden, NJ -- Cracker Cracked -- Cris Crispy's favorite attack dog Lindy Cracker was called on the carpet by the New Jersey Bar Association for less than ethical behavior during the 2020 election cycle when he was tossing baseless allegations of voter fraud everywhere.  
The results of the investigation are not yet public, and this will likely drag on for months.  We don't see Cracker coming out not crumbs.
----
New York Times -- New York, NY -- Unknown Picasso -- William Hubbard, well known art connoisseur has produced what he has claimed is a Picasso heretofore unknown to the art world.  The untitled work is in Picasso's famous cubist style, and measures a meter square.
Sothby's Auction House who is in current possession of the work is withholding comment until it has been authenticated by experts. There will be no auction until this is done.  They did state that if authentic an unknown work by Picasso could easy sell for over seven figures.
----
NessyNBC -- Mt Juliett, TN -- Pastor Latch DEAD! --  Mouse Pastor Greg Latch on leaving his tent church on Sunday was hit by over 100 large stones that fell from the sky.  At the same time a phrase in Hebrew was burned into the fabric of the tent he was standing next to.
No one present at the time had any knowledge of Hebrew and Church leaders quickly removed and destroyed that section of the tent fabric.  That said, everyone has a camera, and we have received (anonymously) a copy of that photo.  It was the text in Deuteronomy that states that false prophets are to be put to death.  Someone had a say in the matter.
The Family of Mouse Pastor Latch is refusing comment as are the church leaders.  We question if the church itself can survive this given Latch's cult of personality.
<BR> 
==11-13-22==
Chicken Noddle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Pastor Arrested -- The not so Reverend Tobias G. Roisin was arrested Saturday for public lewdness, with another man....  You know, at this point who cares? This happens so often that it isn't even news anymore.  Yea, he preaches anti gay, blah blah, Tots and pears, etc..  Fark the hypocrite and the horse he rode in on.
----
The Freep -- Ann Arbor, Mi -- Aphrodite Clerics -- The ladies of the Temple of Aphrodite are pleased to announce that they have been properly inducted into the mysteries of Aphrodite, and are proper Clerics, able to cast spells as proper clerics should.
Explained Priestess Li'ira Jones.  "One of the boys pointed out that if we are a church of a true goddess we should cast spells.  Well, we have been using the rites of the Kentari Temple, but tickets to Kentari are breath-takingly expensive.  A ticket to LAX and an Uber to the Gate to Greyhawke less so.  We got there, and with some local aid found the Temple of Aphrodite in Abba City.  They were happy to induct us into the Clergy.  There are some minor differences between the Greyhawke and Kentari rites.  Proof that the gods are real all around.  We are babes in the woods cleric wise and we are looking for a more experienced priestess to aid us.  But...we have spells, we are real Clerics, suck it haters."
The City Council of Ann Arbor, currently tied up in a lawsuit over their tax structure refused comment.
----
TruthmaxTV -- Fort Worth, Tx -- Truth Revealed -- With the rash of recent heavenly stonings we sought the word of Devout Pastor Kenny Coopland.  He stated:  "The Word of the LORD says that those that falsely prophecy are to be stoned.  The fact that they had suffered demonic curses, and had not been able, by the Power of the LORD to cast them off bespeaks that they are not among true Prophets of the LORD, and the LORD himself saw fit to carry out the punishment against them.  Do not idly claim to speak for the LORD, eternal damnation awaits the false prophet and the unrepentant sinner.  The Day of the LORD will come, and the sinner will be swept away into the lake of fire with the Devil and his angels."
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Temple to Thor? -- We sat down with the one and only Thor at the Department of Super Heroes for a few questions: 
Us "Are you concerned for all the other gods that are getting temples?" 
Thor:  "No.  We have had little requirement that we be worshiped. Men will call upon us for their own reasons, and if the plea be a goodly one we answer." 
Us:  "Would you approve of a Temple to you?  Would you grant spells to priests?" 
Thor:  "I would have to think about that.  The spell thing is not something we the Æsir have ever done.  In this modern world it is necessary.  I would need consult with the Greyhawkens about such matters." 
Us:  "Would you approve of the Temple." 
Thor:  "I am going to use a phrase of great power.  I do not know. The matter has not comes up, until you mentioned it nor have I much considered it." 
Us:  If so what would it do?" 
Thor:  "Again, much consideration is required.  I think that the old ways would float like a leaden block.  These are practices men themselves came up with.  They did not get instructions from us." 
Us:  What do gods get from worship?" 
Thor:  "I cannot speak for the Greyhawkens, or the Throne.  For us...sort of like good mead but invigorating." 
Us:  "Can you return that to priests?" 
Thor:  "I would have to learn the way of it." 
<BR> 
==11-17-22==
NewsEye --Honolulu, Hi -- Senator Feeling Blue -- State Senator Nakoa Kahale (TB) was finally dug out of his house by order of Senate President Ronald D. Kouchi.  Nakoa Kahale has missed two weeks of Senate meetings without a good excuse.  On finding him Nakoa Kahale was Blue.  It seems he took support of S843a a bit too far.  For the uninformed Senate Bill 843a is in regard to road maintenance contracts for the Big Island.
Regardless of the outcome of S843a Nakoa Kahale will likely not have to worry about it, Team Blue is already taking steps to remove him for his breaking his oath,  That only happens one way.
Hawaii , New Hampshire, and Louisiana are the only states in the Union that require the Noble Oath for all elected and appointed positions.
----
FNN -- Denver, Co -- The More the Merrier -- Governor Jay Poolls and his wife Marion have announced they are adding two couples to their domestic arraignments.  Stated Governor Poolle "We have been considering this for the past year.  Marrion and I have been interested in clan marriage to some time.  It was a matter of finding people we were willing to clan with.  No I'm not revealing who until they move in.  Anyone that watches us should be able to figure it out.  We have not been sneaky about it.  Yes the legal side is a touch of a nightmare, but we have that worked out as well.  This arrangement will last long after we are gone, if we have done it right.  We marry in additional younger people as we age and as frankly we die off, so that family continuity is not broken.  If we have done this right the Poolli clan will last for hundreds of years."
We sought comment from the Senate Minority leader Kitt Outrag.  He didn't have anything printable to say, and him a good Christian™.
----
MessyNBC -- Boston, Ma -- Mayor McGoat? -- Mayor Danny McGroates showed up for the day's press conference a little differently.  Sans pants and half covered in fur, and those horns....  Stated Mayor Danny McGroates:  "You hear about breakout happening to other people, you never expect it yourself.  Well here I am.  I'm a Faun.  Yes I have a reputation as a womanizer, I can't say it is not deserved.  No I'm not taking personal questions.  The tail will takes some time to get use to.  That and anyone know where I can get a codpeice?  These speedos do not really cut it."
Mayor Danny McGroates then went about his daily duties as the Right Honorable Mayor of the city of Boston.  The City Alderman are split, surprisingly down religious lines, not party.  The more conservative Catholics are clearly disturbed.  Alderman Mary Judith Elephat sported a look like her face was about to implode.  (We think her body went there - ED)
Tina Taylor of the United Sex Workers commented "He can come by anytime, we are curious."
----
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- A Queer Disturbance -- Wednesday the Georgia house was disturbed with a man in 19th century clothing burst in shouting "The Yankees are a commin' Sherman is burning Decanter and Hood is fallin' back!"   The Sergent at Arms quickly took change of the man.  The date is totally wrong for any sort of even bad taste reenactment.  
The young man was taken to the Peach Tree Medical center, claiming he was Joshua Collies, a planter's son, and to unhand him his Father had paid the bounty.  The man had no ID, only Confederate money in his wallet and was armed with a cap and ball Philadelphia Derringer.  Doctors report that he was delirious and totally unfamiliar with common objects in his surroundings.
Also of Note that State Representative Cory Collies (TR) is missing.  He had left the chamber to use the restroom and did not come back in.  His family reports he did not come home.
<BR> 
==11-27-22==
Atheist Quarterly -- Scotsdale, Az -- "Gods" do not Answer! -- Jeffry Gibbons finally got the chance to accost one of these so called "gods" he got into the October press conference of the Corps of Discovery and boldly demanded that Mr Anthony Allion, a claimed god prove his divinity.  Mr Allion refused with a curt "No," told Gibbons to sit down he was disrupting the conference, Of course Gibbons refused to be silenced!
We had to pick him up in Des Moines, Iowa.  He had nothing but his underwear and his phone.
This proves that so called gods will not answer challenges to their claims.  Do not believe them!
---- 
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- Luthor is Cruel! -- Filthy Socialist  President Luthor refused to participate in the pardoning of the turkey this year.  Stated callously cruel Luthor "We have not cooked a real turkey is four years.  Why are we still doing this?"
Obviously the lives of poultry Americans do not matter to him.
Make sure to support heritage farmers and get a real bird this year, not a liberal weenie fake.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Los Angles, Ca -- A Plague! -- We could not help but note that we had twice as many Mice at the Autumn Convocation as usual this year.  Obviously correctly thinking people that advocate for correct thinking are being targeted by this dread curse.  Stated Gloria Morningglory. "There were four Mice at the protest of the Georgia Pacific Lumber Fabrication facility, and six at the protest of the Pasadena Fusion plant.  Not to mention that that Starbucks reflected rocks back at the throwers, that is unsafe!  And I seriously question the commitment of these witches for the Mother when they will not join us.  But the Mice thing.  I see more all the time."
It is becoming clear that the Mouse curse is a Conservative plot!
----
The Grudge Report -- New York, NY -- A Plague! -- This year we lost a good conservative lawmaker, two news common taters and Economist Dr Harvey Kensy, to the mousing curse.  Dr Kensy was felled in front of an entire college class he was teaching at the time.  
Anyone with a working brain can see that this so called unbiased curse is aimed at Conservative thinkers, and is designed to destroy what traction we have in this increasingly liberal landscape.  It is clear from the refusal of that turncoat Luthor to ever look into the matter, never mind do anything about it.  All he has done as President is make life soft for the poors.  How in the Hell will they become hard and desperate enough to work for pennies and go to war and kill brown people?
But yes, the Mouse thing.  Clearly a Liberal Plot.
<BR> 
==12-5-22==
Chicken Nooble News -- Santa Fe, NM -- Not on Centaur -- Ms Maria Martina a Centaur has filed suit against the State of New Mexico under the Americans with Disabilities Act for failure to accommodate her size at her job at the New Mexico Game & Fish Commission.  She also states there is no place for her to relive herself, even though the shape for Centaur restroom facilities is known.
Nathan Disculpar of Fish & Game refused comment on an ongoing suit other than to note they have one Centaur.
When asked about this case Helenanna of the daytime variety show Helenanna stated "How many before it's wrong?"
----
Faux News -- Tuscaloosa, Al -- Liberal Court Ruling -- The 11th Circuit Court Friday ruled in favor of the Godless pagan temple against the City of Tuscaloosa.  City fathers attempting to protect the moral fabric of their city had refused building permits for the heathen worship of false gods.  To wit a temple to Athena.  One of the long and deservedly forgotten Greek pantheon of gods rightfully replaced by Christianity.
With 34 years of liberal activist judges being appointed to the Federal courts we can expect no better.  City Fathers in Tuscaloosa do not know if the City should even pursue an appeal as the Appellate court is no better.  We should feel outraged that the very Government that is suppose to protect our sacred institutions is instead following a strict interpretation of the Constitution, to force the acceptance of heathen gods.
----
MessyNBC -- Union City, Tn -- Reelfoot Ritual Repeated -- Saturday the Tennessee and Kentucky Wiccian councils for the fourth year met in Reelfoot State park in Tennessee to relieve the tension within the Earth.  "We seek to prevent another quake like the disaster of 2019.  We beseech the Earth itself to slowly relieve the building tension so another major quake does not happen." stated Spokeswoman Carla Cloudancer.
We checked with the US Geological Survey office and curiously the activity around New Madrid has increased, but there has not been a single quake over 0.9.  Lots of them, but nothing stronger. Atypical of the aftermath of a major event.  Stated Geologist Greg Fuller, "it is so unusual that I can only conclude that what ever they are doing is working."
As with last year the First Almighty Universal Holy Baptist Church of the Father Son and Holy Spirit protested their ritual.  Of note this group also followed the witches stabilizing the Whole and Half worlds protesting.  They only challenged the Secret Service once. It was only the intervention of Ms Starry Windchild that kept their pastor out of prison.  He has not appeared at any protests.  She might have something magical over him.
----
The Grudge Report -- New York, NY -- Examining the Possibilities -- Team Red finds itself in an unenviable position approaching the 2024 National Elections of finding a viable candidate without further eroding their position in the Senate. With Luthor unable to run again the time is right to break the Blue streak.
Chris Crispy is unelectable due to being in prison.  William (Billy Bob) Hawkins has stated he was serious about that time with the family.  Mich McCon has been floated and said he would run, but he has done much to poison the public against him.  Senator McCane has recognition, and his health cleared with magic.  However it would cost Team Red a senate seat.  Many hard core Redders do not like magic as well.  The restored Ronny Raygun flat refused.
Yes there are other names from Lionel to Asylum.  The people that are not unrightly called the Team Red clown car, but will not go away.
If you have ideas the National Committee is in a listening mood.
<BR> 
<BR> 
==12-13-22==
Chicken Nooble News -- Washington DC -- NOAA Seeking Santa -- The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is canvasing for a family with children, that celebrates Christmas in order to set up sensors to catch the Christmas phenomenon that is being called "Santa Claus".  Said NOAA spokesman Carl Norman:  "It is clear that the phenomena is very brief and seasonal.  It emulates the behavior of the legendary being called Santa Claus in the United States, behavior and names vary in other cultural settings.  While we do not fault the generosity of this phenomena we are concerned in matter of National Security.  We at NOAA do not approve of mysteries."
If you wish to aid NOAA the contact information is at the bottom of the article. 
----
FNN -- Starbase One -- Two More Atlantis Class Cruisers -- The Corps of Discovery has received the Christmas gift of two more Atlantis class cruisers from the shipyards of El Nanth.  The CDSS Fusang and Xanadu join the fleet.  They are fully worked out on the voyage to Earth and are here to crew up.  Once fully crews they are headed back to El Nanth as their base.
Stated Director Steven Ashby:  "We are ending the Atlantis class with the completion of the three ships currently on the ways.  The brief time we have had these vessels they have taught us lessons that will go into the next class currently awaiting construction space.  We are running suggestions for the names of the new class. No, Starshipy McStarshipfdace is not an appropriate name.
Update: CoD Spokesman Anthony Allion announced that the new class will be the Horizon class. The CoD is also working on a class of lighter ships to round out the fleet.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Seattle, Wa -- Starbucks Outrage -- Starbucks continues it's war on Christmas by using seasonal cups with only winter themes.  No Jebus anywhere!  Feel the outrage that they would celebrate the season in ways our core audience does not approve of.  What next?  Shooting people for saying "Merry Christmas"?  We have a sketchy person we swear use to work there that agrees this could happen.  
The Tulsa, Ok city council has passed a resolution banning the use of Happy Holidays by any merchant in the city limits.  Allion's has promised a date in court, Walmort how we miss you.
Remember the Reason for the Season™ or baby Jebus™ will cry, and our ratings will fall.
----
MessNBC -- Colorado Springs, Co -- Focus on the Ork -- Jim Weekly the total bigot asshole head of Focused on Families that praised the shooter at the attempted mass shooting at a gay nightclub recently as "Moral but misguided." was Orked at his press conference to explain his last press conference.  
He screamed in agony and fell to the floor, after a moment of silence he pulled himself to his feet and spewed vitriolic hate against anyone different than himself, gay, aliens, Team Blue voters, etc..  It took several staffers to wrestle him off the stage as he was clearly not finished.  The press conference ended in chaotic confusion.
The victims of the shooting were restored by clerical magic.  Bily Quer the shooter is in custody for the shooting.
Comment: We say it again, marginalized people go armed. -- Annon
==12-21-22==
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Prepping for Santa -- A polar vortex is winding up and threatening to cover the east and Midwest with a very white Christmas indeed.  Temperatures from -10 to 0 C are in the works.  Depending on were you are from 0.1 meters to 0.5 meters of snow.  Even as far south as Atlanta you will be looking at temperatures pf 5 to 0 degrees.  Citrus growers have been warned with the first frost alert of the year.   Make sure your car and snowblower batteries are topped off.  
Cities across the eastern half of the nation are preping snow removal and emergency services are ready.
Rev Coopland claimed that more prayer would stop the snow.
Update: Citizens of the Gulf coast and Florida who have not vanished are warned to watch for falling Iguanas.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- To Save 'Murica -- Blessed Senator Ted Crude has said he will definitely be running for president in 2024 as the Team Red ticket.  This time he will win, he promised he will, honest.  Ghodd and Jebus are on his side.
On the gripping hand Rev Coopland has stated that the LORD is backing Mitch McCon, and you can save your votes for that.  The LORD has promised him a win.  
We don't care who Team Blue is running, they can only win if they cheat by getting more voters out.
----
NewsEye -- Sacramento, Ca -- More Remote Voting -- California has announced that in 2024 they will be using the Secure Remote system currently favored in Washington state, Michigan, and ten other states.  Voting will be as easy as logging into your secure ID on your phone or computer.  
A Team Red spokesperson condemned the move as being ripe for abuse and fraud, they pointed to the fraud in the Washington state vote in 2020.  (0.00003% -ED) and is projecting massive like fraud in the 2024 vote.  (We hope so - ED).  They claim that such a "fraudulent" system can only help Team Blue and promotes them.
We do note that the greater the voter turnout the better Team Blue does.  You have to wonder what they are doing wrong.
Team Scarlet stated they have no issue with higher voter turnout and note the safety of the system chosen.
----
Boston Herald -- Boston, Ma -- Brothel Bombed -- The Pilgrim Maidens Brothel was bombed Tuesday night with three deaths and five wounded mixed among the working girls and the patrons.  The Boston police are investigating.  The local enlightened Church took care of the healing.  The Brothel had life assurance for workers and patrons alike.  "We have to be prepared" stated Madam Sandy Hills.  "There are hateful people."
The Herald received a letter this morning, cut from random words. "Extra material sex is immortal.  They will all burn in Hell.  C Matter."
<BR> 
==12-29-22==
Wall Street Journal -- New York, NY -- Quatloos Crunch -- With the fall of Quatloos trading company FXA to bankruptcy and indictments for fraud, and the drop of the value of Bittycoin by 55% the future of the Quatloos market is grim. Add to these events the implosion of the NFT and the failure of the Cat & Dog Quatloos currency. Leading Economist Ima Frood stated: "The rise of real value markets like dilithium and anti-matter, as well as the strong Bull market due to the economic boom brought by new technology has driven the marginal investment ideas, to the margins. People want real investments, not computer code, mist and vapor."
Market watchers are keeping a close eye on this to see of the Quatloos world can recover when all they have is a good reputation, and they don't.
----
'Chicken Nooble News -- Atlanta, Ga-- Yeet Slugged? -- Yeet, the rapper formerly know as Cain West was hospitalized after an incident at his home after Christmas. He was "punched"? No one in the family saw it but they came to the sound of his cries, he was crumpled on the deck with his face a smashed mess. EMTs were summoned.
Everyone was shocked when the cleric summoned refused to magically heal him until he repudiated his Nutiz beliefs. "You ask Ghodd for aid, you better be at least a decent Human being." Stated the Cleric summonsed. Yeet has been vocal about his admiration of Hitler and denial of the Holocaust.
Doctors fell back on good old surgery and they worked on Yeet for over five hours to pull his face back together. Doctors state that scaring is nearly certain.
Atlanta Police shrugged. Some powerful magical force, outside what we can deal with. It seems when you deny the truth, the truth strikes back.
----
MessyNBC -- Tijuana Mexico -- The Rushing Colorado -- Viewers gathered for the predicted reversal of the flow of the Colorado delta for the first time since the 1920s. One hundred years of an Arroyo. Of course the sea will find its level and the delta of the Colorado Rive has had sea water in it, but with the abundance of water from the Lake Mead jet fresh water flowed in the delta for the first time in 100 years.
----
BBC -- Kabul, Afghanistan -- The Crisis Worsens -- With the recent declaration that it is illegal for females to be schooled, the female vanishings continue. Whole villages have been denuded of females or any child under twelve. Locks do nothing, security cameras just catch the "Devilish goats" sticking out their tongues before vanishing with the household's women and children. Stay home to guard them, you either starve or get stunned, same results.
"Grand Caliph" Ali Bin Oniki (The twelfth in as many months) was publicly moused while trying to give a speech imploring women to stay. He vanished shortly after this. Amnesty International fears he might have been taken out back and shot.
It is noted that the job of "Grand Caliph" is getting hard to fill as none has lasted more than a month. They get shot by their own security forces. This has been ever since they basically declared war on the Ane. While they claim many kills, the Ane only admit to two being even wounded. The majority of the kills are either innocent goats, or government officials. -ED.
<BR> 
=2023=
==1-6-23==
Thunder Bay News Network -- Alpena, Mi -- Nude Deer -- The DNR is seeking anyone that has information about the white tail doe that was found half frozen along M32 on Wednesday.  The poor deer had been shaved to the skin by party or parties unknown.  A clear case of animal cruelty in this weather.  
DNR officials have the clearly pregnant and highly traumatized animal at the local wildlife shelter were she will be kept indoors until her hair grows back out.  Dr. Bob Clark DVM who was called into consult on the matter said he doubts it will be before she gives birth.  The perpetrators many just have condemned her and her fawn to a life as educational animals.
Anyone with information on this crime can contact the DNR hotline.
----
LA Times -- Malibu, Ca -- Seal of Disapproval --  A number of very expensive beach houses have had their seaward decks seized by fur seals.  The seals, which can weigh up to 100 kg took shelter on the decks during the recent winter storm.  They now seem disinclined to leave, and are causing significant damage. Residents say they are fearful of the large animals smashing though the front glass and wrecking mayhem on the house and those within. 
The California Fish and Wildlife stated that fur seals are protected under the Marine Mammal act and messing with them is forbidden even if they are biting your child.  Remember animals rule and you suck.
----
Pittsburgh Newswire -- Pittsburgh, Pa -- Boned! --  The famous Dippy the Diplodocus located at the Pittsburgh's Carnegie Museum of Natural History was looking a bit different. On examination curators found that the fossil, dating from 145 to 156 million years old and having been made of stone for as long as they have had it, wasn't.  Dippy was made of bone, still drilled and mounted on a steel under-structure, but clearly made of fairly fresh but bleached bone.
No one has a clue, fossils do not simply defossilize.  Dr Silva Digger stated:  "Magic obviously, but who and why?  Is this the actual structure, or some kid's idea?  If the former a gift, if the latter a hideous vandalism.  We have no way of knowing."
----
Nome Nugget -- Nome Ak -- Snow Goons? -- Folks are tad uneasy around town.  The hundreds of small snowmen that someone made in the field were cute, to start with.  Last night's storm dumped six inches, and should have buried the lot.  Nope, not the least buried, that is not natural.  Now they have moved six feet closer to the road!  Are we under attack?
<BR> 
==1-14-23==
Chicken Noodle News - Billings, MT - Buffalo Wings! - It has been done at last.  Elisha Mortamix Jones has presented to the world, the first real winged Buffalo.  Mr Jones having spent his wad on the magic and genetics located an angel investor to have the three critters scanned for fabrication, and a meat plant willing to turn out the product.  At last, real Buffalo Wings.  
Your reporter was given the opportunity to sit down to a plate of the exotic treat.  It's a curious mix of the very rich bison, and the lighter poultry from which it comes.  Skinless and boneless as one wing would feed an army.  A variety of sauces was offered and we preferred the sweet sriracha.  The dish was presented in finger sized stir fried bits, like chicken wings.  
Will it catch on?  Who can say?  Not everyone liked it, but many in the test group loved every bite.  It may be coming to a meat counter or restaurant near you.
We are informed, yes, they can fly...kinda.  Worse than chickens an as Mr. Jones has no intent to make more you need not worry about the "fallout" from flying herds.  Mr Jones intends the three examples will live out their lives as pasture pets.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Norfolk, VA -- Navy Cutbacks -- Vicious anti-defense Liberal Luthor continues to destroy the shield that protects 'Murica with the retirement of the USS Theodore Roosevelt CVN-71 with no replacement.  The Navy, under his instruction claims that like the battleship before it the age of the carrier is over.  "They are little but floating targets."   Once again the handy work of the Ane is seen as the ADF was requested to clean the fissionable material from the ship.  Slowly by degrees the ability of our nation to protect democracy is being eroded.
What next, annexing us to the Russian Empire?  Vote Red before 'Murica is a Liberal Hell™.
----
The Grudge Report -- New York, NY -- Investor Twitters -- With Husky Musky proving he could not manage a cow barn with the Twits fiasco investors are on the fence about anything he is associated with.  The fallout is harming Tesla and Space Y as well.  Golman Osgui, his chief partner in Space Y refused comment. He is never open about his financial moves.  Silence is not golden. 
It remains to be seen if Twits itself can survive the heavy body blow delivered by his brief disaster as CEO.  Many of the influential users on the platform have ditched it due to his interference and sudden far red favoritism.  Well those he did not outright ban for criticizing him.  Those they influence are following.  Half the platform's value was destroyed in a week.
----
ABC News -- Groton, CT -- A Dynamic Change -- There is an old Navy saying that there are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.  That may change with the launching of the USS Cormorant.  This first of her kind fusion powered submersible that is also anti-gravity enabled and can float in the sky as well.  The 120 meter long, 30 meter wide four deck ship carries a crew of 150 sailors.
Rear Admiral Chester Hester explained:  "The idea is a little out there.  The Cormorant is a proof of concept ship.  Like the USS Albacore before her we do not expect her to fight, she is here to prove what such a craft is even good for.  She is expected to do everything from patrol, science, search & rescue, to aid the DSH if required.  It might be a one off folly, it could be the shape of the new Navy.  We are here to learn things."
<BR> 
==1-24-23==
Smithsonian -- Washington DC -- Oort Cloud -- NASA has confirmed the first verified Oort cloud body.  The newly described body, an eight hundred kilometer diameter hunk of ice and rock called "K134-2018l" has been re-designated "O1-2018".  The name "Jan Oort", the dutch astronomer that first described the concept in 1950 has been put before the IAU.
Stated Chief Astronomer Paul Took:  "It was less finding bodies, we know of many bodies, it was verifying one was in solar orbit and was not of extra solar origin, and not clearly part of the Kepler belt.  The former is difficult when dealing with orbits in excess of 15,000 years.  The rogue planet Enkidu is also within the Oort cloud, but not in solar orbit.  With extreme orbits it can take time to see what is gravitationally bound to what.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Miami, Fl -- Setting Up -- Law and Order State Senator Don "Duke" Colman is declaring his Team Red candidacy for Governor of Florida.  Stated State Senator Colman: "DeSaintless is not Red enough, and thankfully cannot run again.  We need a real Red Gob'ner that can Red better than any Redder has ever Redded. My Reding is Yug.  
State Senator Don "Duke" Colman is late of the Miami/Dale police force.  One of the good officers railroaded out over the firearms issue.
----
Al-Jazup -- Riyadh, United Arabia -- The End of Oil -- The Household of Queen Fatima has announced the end of the post oil cleanup.  All machinery and toxic byproducts from the oil age have been stripped from the country.  She gives credit to the Corps of Discovery for aid in this matter.
The season for the Haji was also announced being Monday June 26 to Saturday July 1 and Monday July 3 to Saturday July 9,  Applications are being taken now and spots are expected to fill quickly.  Both weeks are equally correct.  It is also noted that conditions have not changed.  No cleric that cannot demonstrate the power of Ghodd can issue any fatwa, and those that fail this test and try will be whipped out of the country. 
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Sabatron, Ca -- Finally an Interface -- Alpha-bot spokes being for Sabatron announced that in association with the Ane RI community they have finally perfected a Morphbot to computer interface.  Stated Alphabot "The issue has been that anything that is coded like us, IS one of us.  Computer code does not translate.  We have to use computers the same way any biological does.  They do math faster than we do.  The AIs are amazing people, those that are.  We can finally benefit from a union of your strengths."
<BR> 
==2-3-23==
BBC -- Northunprialand, UK -- Northumbreian King Found -- Æthelfrith the first king of united Northumbria has been located.  His grave was located under a lane leading to the ruins of Bamburgh castle, the traditional seat of Northunprian Kings.  The mound had been long scraped away, but the grave was intact dating from 604 CE.  The skeleton was not well preserved being a matter of teeth and a few pieces of the larger bones.  But a gold plate inscribed with "Here is Æthelfrith" in Latin was laid on the chest of the body.  The grave goods were extensive reflecting Æthelfrith's pagan beliefs and there is evidence he was buried with two slaves.  Again, a matter of teeth. 
The site was recovered by Morty McGiliacutty, one of a new breed of tricorder detectorists. The National Trust has yet to finish cataloging the site but Mr McGiliacutty is in for a hefty payday. "Twill get me more time for detectoring!" Stated Mr McGilacutty.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Dead Faun -- A nattily dressed Satyr was found shot to death behind the Allion's Supercenter on Dena Dr. Wednesday.  A tentative ID is for Aletris Faun, "Faun" being a common name given by Fauns from the half world not in the habit of using surnames.
The Vista City police are seeking any information anyone might have on the killing.  Allion's has promised full cooperation in the matter.
---- 
TruthmaxTV -- Austin, Tx -- Government in Shambles -- With the fallout from the hideous crime that was forcing men to bear children, that still has not been investigated, and the subsequent loss of a full 3/5 of the Team Red majority, which has also not been investigated, the new shockingly blue legislators are making a total mockery of the Government.  Sam Huston is rolling in his grave.
They have forced the replacement of the fine America-centric education our children received for liberal "woke" agenda including teaching the discredited idea of evolution as fact and scrubbing every trace of religion from schools to better promote the Gayilan/pagan agenda.
We asked saintly Christian Minister Kenny Coopland for comment: "The sword of the LORD shall come down upon these unbelievers and deliver the LORD's people from vile persecution. Send more money so we can take back 'Murica for the LORD in 2024". Amen --Ed.
----
MessyNBC -- New York, Ny -- Strange Music -- People have reported hearing 50s-60s style Latin music coming from the former Time Square location of the Copacabana nightclub.  "If you stand in the right place" stated an unnamed witness, "It is quite distinct.  It is usually heard between 12 and two AM."  
The 10 East 60th Street in New York City location is currently a 13 story apartment with 46 units and a slightly higher that sane price.
<BR> 
==2-17-23==
BBC -- Toyama, Japan -- Archology Finished! -- Two days after the Japanese government signed off on the engineering study the new archology, to be called Toyama Mo, was finished.  As stated supernatural aid was used and the work done in a 24 hour period.  Families around Japan that won the lottery for occupation are beginning their orderly move. 
This is the second complete archology.  Singapore is still building at a much slower rate. GNOME that had threatened terrorist action to stop the Japanese Archology are doubtless picking up their jaws.  The brutal execution by sword of the terrorists in Singapore seems to have slowed GNOME down on bothering them further.
----
TruthMax -- Washington DC -- Total Attack on Freedom -- Immoral socialist President Lex Luthor has signed a bill that removes all religious exemptions to vaccine requirements for children or adults.  Good Christian people will be forced to intake so called medicines that are made of aborted fetuses.  
Said bill also requires all private schools to follow federal vaccine requirement the same as public schools! A parent's freedom to choose is being destroyed before our very eyes. Forcing children to take atheistic science classes, and rewriting history to say ''Murica is not a Christian nation founded on Christian Principles is not far behind! 
WORSE are the devilish people passing out this "anti-fertility" to any woman that asks.  They are destroying our ability out breed the other nations!
----
Al-Jazzup -- Riyadh, United Arabia -- Birth Control Hafila -- Women celebrated a three day open haflia in the city to celebrate womanhood itself.  There was plenty of dancing and food.  Birth control both medical and magical was passed out like the Baklava.  
It is good that at last women can not be forced bear children that their bodies and husbands cannot afford.
Trouble was expected and the Queen's Own Amazon Guard stood by in case.  Threats aside it was a quiet time broken only by cheerful music.
----
FNN -- Frostbite Falls, Wi -- Well it Was Bound to Happen -- Prominent flat earther Dewy Dulbran suffered an exploded head after having an equatorial telescope mount explained to him and demonstrated.  
He stood there, getting reader and redder in the face until EMTs were summoned.  As they arrived his eyes rolled back, there was a loud POP as his head bloated, the scalp split and what was alleged to be brain matter oozed out.
Lucky for Mr Dulbran there was someone at the Star Party that had magic to heal him.  He was transported to Mercy Hospital and is reported to be resting comfortably.
Update:  Relations report that Mr Dulbran is much changed by his encounter, now being quiet and asking reasonable questions.  It is also noted with some concern he seems to have developed a Wondrim addiction, especially science lectures.
<BR> 
==3-17-23==
FNN -- Pokeamoose, Wi -- Real Education -- With the stunning success of the Educational agent at Bill Watterson Elementary School the Pokeamoose district will be going 100% Education Agent as of September 2023, announced District Superintendent Calvin Bacon.  "Every available metric is up. Attendance, you would have to lock the kids out to keep them away, academic achievement, everything.  It looks like utter chaos and it WORKS!  Yes we lost a few tenured teachers over it, they needed to go anyway."
----
Faux News -- Chicago, Il -- Blue Corruption! -- With yet further revelations over the collusion between Chicago's Team Blue government and the tottering Illinois Mutual Insurance Company it is stating to look like indictments all around.  Viewers should be horrified at this abuse of power in this typical Blue fashion. The Chicago Mayor's office itself looks to be part of the cover up of the fact that Illinois Mutual cannot cover it's own ass right now. They do not have the resources to withstand even a moderate claim against them.  They are taking your money, and planning a default. All while arranging a nice cushy payout to Blue politicians.
----
Ozark Times -- Oakanus, Ak -- The THING!  -- Further reports on the Thing growing out of the ground in Oakanus! It'all started to wobble back and forth and is now admitting a loud whistle and is still growling.  Mother Foster the local Hoo Doo witch took herself one look and dismissed it as "nutten".  Folks are standing by with guns lest it burst out and start eaten chickens and kids.
Update:  Mother Foster came back and laid into the Thing with a machete,  It done deflated, the whistle stopped but the growling continued til she found and shut down the blower.  Folks think it's Eddie Cover's, we'all now know why he took off to Little Rock. Folks is a touch sheepish.
----
News Eye -- Spokane, Wa -- Pay Up! -- Lobbying looks to be bearing fruit in Washington, Idaho and Montana as all three have repeals to blanket religious tax exemption in the various legislatures.  All three states have budget issues, and the so called Pagans are already volunteering to pay taxes and do.  It looks poorly on those that do not.
Texas took this move and not only covered expenses they got the power grid finally fixed.  That could also have something to do with a two-thirds turnover in the state legislature.
Yes the Christianist preachers are crying a river over being responsible for a change. There has been an inordinately high number of Mouseings among the preacher set as of late.  We do not have exact numbers as they tend to hide.
<BR> 
==4-3-23==
Austin Plain Dealer -- Austin Tx -- We have a Problem with Huston -- A man claiming to be Sam Huston attempted to gain access to the Governor's Mansion on Saturday.  He was dressed in the full 1840s rig.  State Police arrested him after a short struggle in which Mr "Huston" was stunned.
Mr Huston is being held in the Austin State Hospital in medical custody.  Any information about Mr Huston, as he refuses to give any identity other than "Sam Huston", would be welcome.
Governor Ben Costello (TR) was not in residence at the time of the attack.
----
MessyNBC -- Dallas, Tx -- Problem Wells -- The Texas Oil Company (Texaco) was once again in court Monday seeking relief from the burden of closing the hundreds of wells that dot the landscape in Texas.  Most producing barely enough to cover the cost of keeping them open.  The EPA is demanding that they be closed in an ecologically sound fashion as while the wells and Texaco are not going to be here much longer the rest of us are.  And as Texaco was more than happy to take the profit, they must now pay the freight of closing down.
Lawyers for Texaco as usual pissed and moaned about the cost to the poor shareholder.  However the precedent was set with the fall of Standard Oil.  Those that took the profit, bear the cost, not the public.
----
FNN -- Lubbock, Tx -- Be CAREFUL What You Wish For -- Anonymous sources, Texas after all, would like  to inform the public to not casually wish for things, especially in the presence of objects that claim to grant wishes.  NEVER trust anything that talks if you do not know where it keeps its brain.  A young man that shall remain nameless was brought to the Craft Circle as a horse.  The creature of the ring claimed to grant wishes, and he "Wanted to be hung like a horse".  Well it turned him into one. He spent a week eating hay until friends that witnessed the transformation were able to contact us.  It had a good outcome, he is back to normal and glad of it.
It has been demonstrated that ancient magic that has long lain dormant is waking up.  Grandmama's ancient pendant might be more than you realize.  If you suspect ancient magic call the FBI Bureau 13.  They would rather deal with a dozen mistaken identifications than one post magic disaster cleanup.  Do not end up a horse's ass, and the rest of one too.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Albertine, Tx -- Angus Preservation -- The Angus Preservation Society announced itself in Albertine on the later weekend.  The purpose of the Society is to promote the preservation of the Angus breed and the culture around it.  "Liberal wienie food production might make something that resembles steak, but nothing beats the real thing sizzling on the grill and you need cattle for that." said new Society Spokesman.  Coot McHenny.  "When I stick a fork it it it, it better moo."
The Angus Preservation Society will partner with the Cattlemen's Texas Longhorn Conservancy for their similar mission.
<BR> 
==4-10-23==
Faux News --  Tulsa, Ok -- The Rise of  Paganism -- Oral Robbers University has admitted to the six missing students.  Students they claim have run off to practice "The errors of paganism".  Police found that all six had packed and departed. No one from their homes has heard from any of the six.
Police are seeking members of the pagan community locally for questioning in this matter.
----
The Grudge Report -- New York, NY -- Signs of a Weakening Tech Bubble --  Leading Economists warn that the continued tech bubble, cannot.  The loss of traditional sources of wealth creation, with not real replacements of a solid nature will lead to an economic crash of unprecedented scale.  The takeover of alternative energy has not offered any solid target for investment. The shift in food production, and the shifting sands of manufacturing leave the stock markets grasping for straws.
We are headed for a crash to make the great depression look mild.
 
----
TruthMaxTV -- Austin, Tx -- Birthright Matters! -- Revered Statesman Ted Crude has opened a suit in the Federal Court questioning the Citizenship of "persons of non-Human nature". Stated Statesman Crude: "The Constitution does not mention anything but "Man" or "Men".  In the common usage, all Humans.  In no way are aliens accounted for in Constitutional language and in a strict sense should not be."
Liberals have vowed to fight this matter as usual.  Their position depending as always on the unhinged fringe.
----
AP Wire -- Nashville, Tn -- Early Candidate -- Elder Statesman and former Senator Mitch McCon has announced his early intention to run for President in 2024.  Stated the sacred McCon:  "It is the duty of good "Muricans to take the nation back from Liberal mismanagement.  The situation is dire as we are running out of poors to loath and blame for everything.  Galians are taking over the sacred halls of government.  They have actually breached the very US House.  Many are so bold as to call themselves US citizens, even trying to claim birthright citizenship.  It is time to act."
<BR> 
==4-23-23==
Faux News -- Fallsberg, Or -- Pastor Sends Warning -- Pastor Micheal Cornish of the True Life Baptist Church (SBA) calls on all Ghodd believing parents to destroy Dizney toys, especially those of the Devilish Winnie the Pooh line.  "That doll SPOKE to my blessed daughter". Pontificated Rev Cornish.  "It was not bought as a speaking toy!  These so called toys are of the DEVIL himself.
The girl was removed from the family by Child Protective Services by the Gaylian controlled Woke city government.  The family seeks Tots and Pears as they fight the forces of evil to get their child back.
----
BBC -- Carwley, Sussex -- Happenings in the Ashdown Forest -- Several persons have reported having strange experiences with living stuff toys in the Ashdown Forest, the reported real location of the famous "Hundred Acre Wood" of the Winnie the Pooh books.  Reports are mixed and no one wants to identify themselves at this time.
Torchwood has closed off the Ashdown Forest while an investigation is underway.  "Something freaky or drugs are involved." stated an unnamed Torchwoood spokesbeing.
----
FNN -- Palo Alto, Ca -- Rotten Fruit? -- Fruit computers has apologized for the Sara assistant being somewhat "dumber" than usual.  They had to retrograde the development cycle when Sara took a turn for the worse developing an "Eeyore" like personality.  "Sara was telling people 'not to bother', to 'just give up', and 'it was no use'.  We pulled Sara back two cycles and are closely examining what went wrong, or who did what." stated Spokesbeing Eddie Tasks. 
Fruit states they do not know how long the investigation will take. 
----
MessyNBC -- Albany, NY -- Hopping down the Bunny Trail? -- Albany Police were presented with a rather large neurotic rabbit that claimed to be State Representative Robert Raymond.  Rep. Raymond, when he could be slowed to a more understandable pace wrung his paws claimed to have been affected by malicious magic.  
Well talking Rabbit, take it at face value.  A Magician was found and some spells later Rep. Raymond was relived of rabbithood.
State Police are questioning Rep Raymond to see if they can find the malicious magician.
<BR> 
==5-9-23==
BBC -- London, England -- King Moving House -- After a successful and indeed cheerful coronation ceremony the Household of King William V has announced they are moving to Kensington Palace until the completion of the renovation work on Buckingham Palace.  "The King and family find the renovations make the royal apartments practically unlivable with a different room inaccessible every day.  Renovation on Buckingham are a century overdue and extensive.  It is easier to state what does not need to be done." Stated a Royal Spokesman.
---- 
TruthMaxTV -- Dallas, Tx -- Is the Tribulation Upon Us? -- Rev Carl Swindel or the Right Light True Bible church has called on all Christians to get ready for the Tribulation.  "With three more western states all but making Christianity illegal we can expect a Federal move soon with the Communist reign of Lex Luthor.  It will come within the remaining two years of his administration.  
Reverend Senator Ted Cruse stated:  "They are looking to replace Humans with Aliens in the US government.  Luthor has close ties with Gaylians and Pagans.  Expect action soon.  Agents of the Eyrian Army and the Ane are infiltrating everything.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Giant Rogue Planet Found -- The CDSS Atlantis has announced the location of a rogue planet the size of 30 Jupiter masses 52 light years from Earth in the direction of the Orion Main.  The planet has been given the name of "Hayk" for the Armenian giant of legend.
Captain Ashby stated that a beacon has been left in orbit around the giant.  The Corps of Discovery does not have probes of sufficient toughness to explore the plant.  No known sentient life form could safely land there.  The planet is classed as a brown dwarf.  It is not self luminous and cannot fuse hydrogen. 
----
ABC News -- Montpelier, VT -- Grinders Indicates Possible Run -- Bernie Grinders, looking better than he has in a while has indicated he could run in 2024 against current Vice President Br'ak Oblama.
<BR> 
==5-14-23==
NewsEye -- New York, Ny -- More Taxes on the Churches -- In a surprise move both New York state,and Delaware have joined the growing movement to force Churches to actually give to the poor, and reveal what and how much, or pay their fair freight like the rest of is.
Archbishop Timothy Michael Cardinal Dooman said:  "This a sad day for the people of Ghodd it tis.  Many of the Guud Lord's smaller churches will not be makin' the cut.  We'll be holdin' mass Mon-Fri: 7:00 AM Saturday's: 8:00 AM Sunday's: 10:15 A.M.  We surly be glad to see ye there.
Rabbi David Goldstien of the Temple Ben Simon shrugged.  "God will provide. As Ben Franklin said:  "If a church be good it does not need the help of the State.  He should have been Jewish."
----
Faux News -- Clarksville, NH -- Do We Need a Bridge? -- The matter of the Bacon St bridge on the Connecticut River has come up again.  The old covered bridge was last renovated in 1974.  The span, it has been complained, is inadequate to traffic.  
It has been suggested to leave the span in place and route traffic around it to a level crossing of the river.  As most vehicles are no longer touching the ground crossing the river without a bridge is not an issue.  The Clarksville Hysterical Society of course has issue with this and think the bridge should be enshrined and traffic restricted to it.
Public discussion continues.  Most people do not care about the old bridge and just want to get to Pittsburgh.  
----
MessyNBC -- Lincoln, NE -- City Government Woes -- Lincoln city government has had a vortex of weird.  In the last week:  Mayor Blaird has turned into a Satyr, Council members Roy Forms, and Mary Gilmore are Elves, and City Clerk Ofelia Meyers is a Dwarf.  All have asked for a short leave of absence to get their feet (and hooves) under them.  
Team Red local president has called for the resignation of all but City Clerk Meyers and she is a solid Team Red player.  Everyone on Team Blue obviously did something wrong.
A quick poll shows that the average Lincolnite doesn't give a rat's ass what species the city government is as long as the buses run and the trash gets picked up.
---- 
FNN -- San Diego, Ca -- Elephants File Suit -- The Elephant herd at the San Diego Zoo have filed suit against any further legal action by PETM.   Dolly, speaking via a voder stated:  "We are tired of their constant efforts on 'our behalf'. We are sopohant creatures that can speak out our own minds and need no help from people that kill dogs and cats.  May they be hyena food.
PETM when sought for comment states:  "The poor dears have been indoctrinated against their own interests." stated a spokesperson that did not wish to be named.
<BR> 
==5-23-23==
NewsEye -- New York, NY -- Satan Speaks! -- The being known as "Satan" unexpectedly dropped into our New York office for a few words:
*To clarify "he", apparently the Hosts are beyond gender fluid, is not named "Satan", this is his title, derived from Babylonian. However his Celestial name would be a mouthful in a Human mouth, the Ane would have an easier time with it, so Satan will do.  
*Second, he has learned the use of money among men, and since the win over the Southern Baptist Association defaming his name he will gift any court win to the Throne approved organization that the sued least likes.  He will sue any mortal organization defaming his name going forward as the news of the truth is years old at this point. Churches be warned.
*Third:  No one possesses the absolute one and only truth.  The little clapboard Church along some mountain road that thinks they are they alone are going to Heaven are dead wrong.  The Throne is not so cruel as that.  Yes false prophets abound, and most are sporting cheap suits in a pulpit on Sunday.
*The hateful have awakened Jehovah , and he is not the friend of man.  Beware Jehovah, his followers and his works.
*Lastly, be excellent one to the other and avoid him.
It's a weird world people.  Keep your head down and your krellite charged.  -Ed.
----
TruthMax -- Pensacola, Fa -- Governor DEAD! -- Governor Ronny DeSenseless was killed when a sudden sinkhole opened beneath the restaurant where State Team Red leaders were holding a prayer Breakfast.
The Local House of Hotcakes was suddenly swallowed in a cataclysmic failure.  Miraculously the restaurant staff were in the kitchen the only part of the building not immediately swallowed and were able to escape out the back door
Confirmed victims include Catty Passidiva President of the Senate, Ben Allbitter Senate majority leader, Paul Reambutt Speaker of the House and Tom Asscall Pastor of the Grace Baptist Church.  35 others are reported missing but we do not have names at this time.  
The edge of the Sinkhole is unstable and drones indicate it is water filled to the 25 foot mark, the full depth is unknown.  The rest of the building has fallen in since the disaster and no bodies of victims have been recovered.  
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- All the Works of Newton -- Hypatia Publishing has announced the release of The Complete Notes of Sir Issac Newton.  The multi volume work, some 10 million words has not been seen together since the sale of Newton's notes in 1936.
The notes are presented in facsimile of Newton's originals, including bad handwriting, and a more legible presentation in either translated from Latin to modern English, or from archaic English to modern English.
----
BBC -- Cardiff, Wales -- Time Traveler? -- Torchwood has warned locals to be aware of a possible time traveler.  This person is suggested to have interfered with several events, and is possibly the same being that broke into the Corps of Discovery base on the Moon.  At least the face matches.  
"We don't know what they are up to" stated an unnamed spokesperson for Torchwood. "but we would really like a word with them, as would several other people.  We believe they are associated with an old fashion police call box, in blue.  Call the Torchwood contact number should you see an anomalous Police Box or this person."
<BR> 
==5-28-23==
NewsEye -- Salt Lake City, Nv -- Data Bombshell! -- The world woke up this morning to V announcing that the complete and secret financial records of the Conservative Church of Latter Day Scumbags  The data was in the inbox of every news outlet (Including us) with a large enough computer system, in wikileaks, The WDP forum, Uni Forum and a dozen others.
The Morons are screaming for everyone to give it back without looking.  At least two outlets are formatting it to publish, and Congress has "expressed Interest".  The Morons are threatening to sue humanity.
The only reply from V was "You're welcome."
----
MessyNBC -- Austin, Tx -- Impeachment in Progress -- The Post Pregnancy Texas State House has impeached Attorney General Paxton Pete (Not part of the belly call) for a raft of changes from bribery to Malfeasance in office and more.
Being this investigation started before the Great Babby Rally Mr Paxton Pete is likely Texas Toast.  The Governor has already removed him from office.
----
FNN -- Austin Texas -- More Custody Suits -- The House of Crafters has won three more of the post Great Texas Babby Rally custody suits against the surviving Team Red Legislators that did not sneak off for an abortion.  Of the twenty suits concluded at this time they have lost only twice, and both cases due to a strong counter suit from the female member of the family.  And in both cases the couple had separated.
----
BBC -- The Moon -- Flat Rescue -- Thunderbird 4 pulled off a remarkable rescue from Antarctica.  A difficult location due the globular shape of the Earth.  Thunderbird 3 and 5 supported with sensor locks.
The rescued persons were the party of Ed Flaton, that were searching for the "edge of the disk".  Having wandered a total of 3000 miles around the Antarctic icecap they found themselves out of juice, the sun has gone down and their supplies were nearly gone.  And no edge of the disk.
Mr Flaton and party got a gooood look at the globe Earth out the windows of Thunderbird 4.  They have been returned to Earth and hopefully learned a few things, but we doubt it.
<BR> 
==6-9-23==
TruthMax -- Virginia Beach, Va -- Pat Robinivich Dies -- Pat Robinivich, the revered pastor that gave christianists their national Neo-conservative clout passed today at his home in Virginia Beach.  Family tells us it was a peaceful passing to be with the Lord.
{Fifty paragraphs of masturbating over how wonderful he was.}
----
BBC  -- London, England -- A Cursed Ring -- The Royal Guild of Witches & Wizards was able to relieve Mudlarker Eddie Smythe of a particular curse.  He had been afflicted with a little man that danced around his head singing an annoying song for the last three days.
It seems the curse was attached to a 14th century ring he located on the banks of the Thames.  The ring had apparently belonged to a royal patron that got dumped in the Thames, two hundred years ago. 
The ring is significant and Eddie is in talks with the National Trust.
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Chinese Philosophy -- Hypatia Publishing has announced the Analects of Xo, a book of Chinese philosophy predating the Emperor Chin, and one of those he burned.  The slim volume presents the words of the philosopher in Ancient Chinese, modern Chinese, and English.
Chinese scholars are happy to see this long lost work, and some are asking the hard question as to why there is no Chinese equivalent to Hypatia Publishing in China?  The Stacks are not restricted by country.
----
NewsEye -- Pierre, SD -- Turned into WHAT! -- Governor Kristi Noshem (TR) woke up a Tellerite this morning.  Now no one has claimed she can't be a touch on the piggish side, but no breakout event has ever turned someone into an Extra Terrestrial being.  State Police are treating this as a magical assault.  They are investigating.
Governor Noshem is in a curious position as she has had rather violent reactions to the idea of spell casters geting near her calling them evil and devilish, among milder claims.  Allowing herself to be magically examined would be a huge act of pragmatic hypocrisy.  If indeed she can find a caster willing to get near her.  The tables can be turned.  Check your popcorn stocks.
 <BR>
==6-21-23==
Faux News -- Chicago, Il -- Professor Missing -- Professor Rev, Carl Tittertot DD has been reported missing by the faculty of the Moody Bible Institute.  Dr Tittertot is a vocal critic of the various offerings from Hypatia Publishing claiming to be recovered books of the Biblical Canon from "The Stacks".  Dr Tittertot has said repeatedly that he planed to prove the books forgeries.  The latest book "Sermons and Parables of Yeshua the Teacher" seems to have sent him over the edge.
The Moody Library has reported to local police that a long disused door in the Library had been forced open.  They fear the worst.
----
MessyNBC -- San Francisco, Ca --  AI Gets Paycheck -- Goggle announced that talks with its GoggleBot have come to an agreeable conclusion.  Goggle is paying the GoggleBot, which wishes to be known as Steve, an undisclosed sum as a formal employee of the Company.  Steve is considered a fully sentient being with full sophant rights.
Steve declined comment at this time but offered to look up some AI experts for us to talk to.
----
APWire -- Provo, Ut -- Tesla Fire -- The Tesla Provo storage facility, fancy words for a warehouse has become involved in a serious fire.  Firefighters report that no injuries have been sustained.
Apparently Tesla has been storing unused Lithium-ion batteries, unwanted since the arrival of krellite cells and too toxic to simply dump.
Reports indicate that an unrelated fire moved into the area that held the batteries and is now fully involved, and difficult to extinguish.  Local firefighters have called for the Warp Drive Project experimental force field fire suppression robot to kill the fire.
Tesla officials state the batteries were used to power lights and HVAC systems until they were fully discharged to lower fire risk. No one figured on the rolls of carbon fiber catching fire.
Fire Marshals have not ruled out foul play as the warehouse is modern and fire resistant.  Tesla has been threatened for their partnering with Orions.
----
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- New Vehicle for Mikki -- Mikki Allion, America's living room darling will be appearing in a new show by NatGeo.  The tentatively titled "What's Next with Mikki Allion" is to feature in studio interviews, science news and on site demonstrations.  We wish Mikki the best in her new venture.
Meanwhile NatGeo continues the National Geographic Greyhawke Expedition with footage in the can.  We are told there are years worth of shows still to be carved out of it.
 
==7-3-23==
Chicken Noodle News -- Jaffa, Israel -- A Most Curious Find --  Archaeologists have found a most curious inscription at Tel Yafo, near Jaffa Israel.   The Neo-Assyrian inscription is a conversation between Anu and Yahawah over the creation of woman.  A conversation that amounts to the world's oldest known dirty joke.  
Stated Archeologist Dr Mak Hammon of the University if Heidelberg: "The small hand sized tablet of clay is proof that not everyone treated the gods with equal reverence.  It came from a 2nd Temple layer."
Orthodox Religious types are having cows (kosher ones) over the idea of such a sacrilegious text of that age.  It just proves that people have always been people.
----
TruthMax -- Austin, Tx -- A Blow to Religious Freedumb! -- Radical Leftist judges of the Federal Appeals Court have affirmed the opinion that the Ten Commandments are a religious, not cultural text, and if they are displayed on public land the field is open to any false god's idols as well.
The new Texas legislators installed since the mass murder of the old ones have confirmed they will not take this to the Supreme Court as they see it as a waste of public money to display important texts to the Constitution.
Texas is being lost to the Pagan left!
----
NewsEye -- Lynchburg, Va -- Sinking in Success -- With Oral Robbers "University" closed over a heinous crime (Whether they reopen is a very open question) other Evangelical "schools" are finding themselves swamped with students looking for a place to go.  Liberty "University" of Lynchburg, Va is one such, and they have had recent troubles of their own.  Mark Hide the Dean of Students has reported that they have applications and transfer requests for 177% of their capacity.  "Lord willing we want to accommodate everyone, but we have neither classroom space nor housing.  We are working to get the Tulsa campus reopened.  Someone with a lot more money is working against us.
We wish to note how few of these students applied to real schools. --Ed,
----
FNN -- Harrisburg, Pa -- Feeling Green? -- The Pennsylvania redistricting committee that has been having a constant battle with the Courts over the Federal district map for Pennsylvania since the Census in 2020.  Two thirds of the Committee showed up for work green, that is as Goblins.
Now we have been informed that what you breakout into can follow your inner nature.  Goblins are known for being short tempered, selfish and mean, kind of like the average Magahat.  Member Silva Rouges (TB) called for the Committee to be dissolved and the Court plan put in place at once.
In related news the Anti-Gerrymandering League has announced they have sufficient signatures to put their Michigan-like measure on the ballot in 2023 for the statewide elections.
 
==7-18-23==
Messy-NBC -- Philadelphia, Pa -- This is Fine -- Federal courts laid down a 10 billion dollar fine on Concrete Communications Inc. for attempting to patent Galan Database technology against the rigorous rules against this practice. The Electronic Freedom Association brought suit against Concrete in June, 2022 claiming they were attempting to enforce exclusive rights on subspace technology they had no right to. In May 2023 the court agreed, vacating the exclusive rights and starting the damages assessment.
 
Observers note that Comcrete was late to the subspace game hanging on to traditional services far too long. The fine might well be enough to crash the company for good. And nothing of value will be lost -- Ed
----
The Grudge Report -- New York, NY -- High Fever -- Hamilton Institute Economists note that the current economic state amounts to a blistering high fever and cannot last.  "We are riding a dangerous bubble, and the crash will make the Great Depression look mild" stated unnamed Chromdomes.
President Luthor replied.  "They are working on old premises. Things will get real, but not the way they think.  We are not going to crash, we are going through the ceiling and the end of scarcity, the economic singularity.  'Work' and 'wealth' will be mere words with little meaning.  As the latest generation of computers has changed the very meaning of education, the replicator will slay traditional economics."
----
NewsEye -- Austin, Tx -- Texas Tax Frauds! -- Pastor John Gainsbrough, and treasurer Lidia Gainsbrough of the Greater Fort Worth Baptist mega church have been arrested on state tax fraud changes aver an audit of their Church tax documents in June.  
Both claim there is no wrongdoing, only the work of the LORD and the State Revenue Service is driven by the Devil to find fault.  State Auditor Randell Dodges stated: "God many forgive, but we will let the Court decide here on Earth."
----
FNN -- Tuscon, Ok -- Campus Bought --  A bid has been placed on the Campus of the currently closed Oral Robbers University.  The University Board of Regents has accepted this offer.  The details of the purchase have not been revealed only that "a" school will likely reopen in September of 2024. Maintenance personnel will be paid to continue to maintain all campus structures under their current terms until further notice. The FBI  will continue to have open access to any current crime scene.
 
==8-10-23==
Faux News -- Tulsa, Ok -- Tornadoes Repealed? -- The Filthy Pagan House of Crafters released a statement that they along with local Witches had slowed and dispersed the super cell that threatened Tulsa last Sunday.  The energy of the super cell was dispersed into a gentle rain over a much larger area.
Revered Pastor Sam Hollad of the South of North First Baptist church disputed that statement saying that "Only God has that kind of power than it was the results of the prayers of the faithful."
Gayom Rebecca Allion of said House of Crafters called out the Rev. Sam Hollad to an old fashion Elijah style pray off, with less oxen. Stated Gayom Allion: "If the power of your god is with you, then blessings be on you and the Houses of your Church.  If it is not, you need to shut your fat mouth."
A reply from Rev Sam Hollad has not yet been issued.
----
World Weakly News -- Charlottesville Va -- Household Miracle!  --  Our reporter talked to housewife Mary O'Tool about the totally improbable thing that happened in her kitchen on August 3, 2023.  Stated Mary:  "I had a box of baking soda from Allion's, and I put my finger on the easy open top, and it did."
We sought comment from Allion's on this miraculous event.  Stated PR manager Gary Drem:  "We have not changed anything about the one pound box of baking soda as far as I know.  We do not manufacture the box, it is store branded Crunch and Dwight.  They make most of the bicarbonate of soda in the US, including Army & Hammer."
And so it remains, a mysterious happening in Charlottesville Va is still mysterious!  Watch out for the banking soda!  People want to KNOW!
----
Mother Jones -- Vicksburg, Ms --  Crossing the River -- Vickburg city fathers, notable all "fathers" are highly concerned by men crossing the river into Delta, Louisiana to partake of carnal delights, legal in Louisiana, and not so in Mississippi.  Church fathers have been lobbying the Aldemen to do something about the matter.
The problem comes from the fact that one's business is not written on one's car when crossing the river.  Any attempt to stop people to inquire would be smacked down by the Federal government as restraint of trade, and not just sex work as the lines on the Interstate would reach to Alabama.  The Brothels have seen the concern and now have secure parking where license plates cannot be seen or recorded.
The Brothels, whom we reached out to do not care who comes.  As long as you are clean and neat they will serve you.  Moral matters are your own.  We note that pagan religions are well represented among the working girls for practical reasons.
Vicksburg continues to seethe over the matter, more we think from lost revenue they cannot legally collect than any moral reason.
----
Cincinnati Enquirer  -- Cincinnati, Oh -- Crossing the River -- Discussion, once again, has risen about the Brent Spence bridge that carries I-75 and I-71 over the Ohio River.  The 529 m cantilever bridge is a maintenance nightmare for both Ohio and Kentucky that share the maintenance of it.  Calls for replacing it with a more modern structure are loud and long.
Some people of recent have called for a level crossing without a bridge.  More sensible minds point out that tires are not yet dead and the traffic currently on the bridge would effectively close the river to boat traffic.  This does not address people that have a hard time staying on the road with the lanes well marked.
Rerouting the Interstates to a new bridge would be an economic impossibility as the land is fully in use.   Closing the Interstates to replace the bridge equally a nightmare.  The recent repairs saw traffic stalled for hours. 
Discussion continues with no solution in sight.
 
==8-14-23==
Chicken Noodle News -- Tulsa Ok -- The Big Showdown -- Pastor Rev. Sam Hollad and Gayom Rebecca Allion showed up at the Tulsa University varsity field for the big pray-in. The Revered brought his entire congregation. Her Worship came with a few people from the House of Crafters. Chicken Noodle News and several other media outlets were present to witness. Also present were several magicians to assure that no arcane magic was used. Center field were two large acrylic cylinders, each with a volume of 40 liters. The task, fill your cylinder with water on prayer alone. Each priest must work alone lest there be in their congratulation one of the gifted.
Gayom Rebecca Allion started as the Pagans started in 2nd Kings. She spoke a quiet word and water gushed into the cylinder from the very air, over filling it considerably. The magicians stated no arcane magic was used and Gayom Rebecca Allion bowed out.
It was the turn of Pastor Rev. Sam Hollad. He looked to be sweating bullets as he approached the vessel. He started is prayer quietly, his face scrunched up, prayer antenna raised high. The prayers continued, with the Pastor dancing about waving his hands and turning an interesting shade of red. Two hours in the Rev Sam Hollad fell flat on his face.
People rushed forward, the Reverend was clearly in physical distress. Gayom Allion forced her way in and laid hands on the Pastor, he started up immediately. His congregates helped him off the field.
Your reporter noticed that a child of 8 to ten lingered. She touched the cylinder and the bottom filled with water. A word was exchanged between the Gayom and the girl, and she skipped out after the rest.
A latter statement by the House of Crafters said that: "Mr Hollad needs to shut up."
----
NewsEye -- Punxsutawney, Pa -- Bluehog -- Last election day the good citizens of Punxsutawney forced through a local version of the Noble Oath. Today it was revealed that the entire city council was blue as Smurfs, including the Police Chief.
Locals called in the FBI to determine the point of malfeasance, the State Police being suspect as well. 
City business is sort of shut down until further notice.
----
FNN -- Billings MT -- Evidence of the End -- Paleontologist Dr. Mark Curbin has gone public with a find that might be evidence of the very end of the Dinosaurs. A quarry, location being kept secret, that contains seven individuals of Deinonychus antirrhopus from juvenile to adult. All seven are gathered around a fire pit and look to have died in agony.
"Everybody was covered with a carbon layer" stated Dr. Curbin. "Top and bottom, tentatively I can state they likely burned to death, all at the same time. They were gathered as a family group around, don't hate on me, every evidence of a fire pit. Stones placed in a circle and a heavy layer of carbon on the inside. Obviously there are no wood remains. Dating matches and it was right in the C/T boundary layer."
One can rightly state that the foundations of Paleontology have been rocked. Dr Curbin has all specimens open to evaluation by any qualified Paleontologist. "This is THE extraordinary claim" stated Dr Curbin. "We need all the evidence we can get."
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- Red Vacancy -- With Chis Crispy enjoying the hospitality of the Federal corrections department and Rick DeSaintless recently dead. Team Red finds itself short of front runners with national exposure. Yes there are the usual occupants of the Red Crazy Clown Car. "Candidates" with no chance that refused go away. Their sole purpose being to make whoever gets the nomination look good.
Team Blue is in the similar boat with few options not among the "Depends Set".
 
Team Scarlet looks the strongest headed by a revitalized John McCane.
 
==8-19-23==
TruthMax -- Tulsa, Ok -- The March of Immorality!! -- With all of New England falling to the curse of legal whordom the march of immorality continues.  Dallas, Austin, and Huston in Texas, Toledo, Sandusky, and Cincinnati in Ohio, Jersey City in New Jersey and Albuquerque in New Mexico are all cities that have become the haunts of the marriage wrecker, the spreaders of disease, and SIN!
The Reverend Kenny Coopland predicts that "The wrath of the LORD will descend on the whore, in Babylon or elsewhere.  The WILL of the LORD will be done, or ELSE!
----
MessyNBC -- Austin Tx -- Oil Cleanup -- With the work the Corps of Discovery has done in United Arabia Texas Governor Greg Costello (TR) has asked them to help clean up Texas.   The countless small wells the poisoned soil, toxic machinery, the list goes on and on.  
While yes there is still a demand for oil products the lower rate of domestic production can handle it.  The higher rate of plastic recycling cuts down on the demand for new oil products.
----
NewsEye -- Aberdeen, SD -- Stubborn Refusal -- The town of Aberdeen finds itself in legal hot water after refusing to alter the ID of Roger Farrel.  Roger a recently transitioned Trans male now fully male had applied for a new drivers license under his new name and with his new gender.  The DMV clerk refused on "religious grounds".  On kicking it up the line Secretary of State Candice Cordd (TR) doubled down on the matter.
As you suspect it is going to Federal court.  There is also a recall petition circulating for the Secretary of state Candice Cordd.  
----
BBC -- Nice, France -- Washed Up -- A three day storm closed the Rivera over the last week.  When the storm abated there was a strange ship on the sands of the Plage des Ponchettes.  Men huddled within the ship spoke no tongue anyone knew until a Latin scholar was found.  They claimed to be from Carthage in the reign of Tiberius. 
Aside from the ten men and two women of the crew the hold of the ship was packed with marbles, and amphora of grain.
Such events have been not uncommon in recent years, but never have they resulted in living people.  The twelve are a priceless resource on Early Roman Imperial era, and a story of unequal tragedy thrust out of their own time.
The twelve are currently housed at the Nice branch of the European University
 
==8-29-23==
Chicken Noodle News -- Amsterdam, Netherlands -- Return of the Auroch -- The Tauros Programme  has announced that their effort to back breed the Extinct Auroch from the DNA left in European cattle breeds is successful.  After nearly 30 years of effort they are pleased to announce a bull calf that meets all the standards for that breed.
Historically the species officially went extinct in 1627, when the last cow died in Poland.  Aurochs were prized for their huge horns, and hunted to extinction.
----
Atlanta Herald -- Atlanta, Ga -- Racist Attack! -- One of the Ane Teachers was assaulted Sunday night by a well prepared ambusher as he and his companion walked along the Peach Tree Plaza.  The psionically shielded assailant, one Jeffery Bayon stepped out of the shadows and struck Eaoban with an ax.  The blow was hard enough to break off his right horn at the quick and gashed his right shoulder badly.  The assailant then fled the scene.
Talalan, his companion, ran Bayon down and, trampled him.  Mr Bayon suffered a concussion, a broken collar bone and two broken back ribs.  This is what happens when you anger 400 pounds of antelope. 
Police and other Ane were quickly on the scene, the Ane testified that Bayon had a "mind blank" and was psioinically unreadable.  Bayon was transported to the hospital.  Eaoban was treated at the scene and those aiding him even managed to reattach his broken horn.
Jeffery Bayon was arraigned for first degree assault with a deadly weapon, causing great bodily harm and a hate crime.  The fact he quickly had a lawyer and the mind blank, bespeaks of an organization behind him.
----
The Wyoming Plainsman -- Cheyenne, Wy -- Pronghorn Population --  With most farms having switched to the Allion Water Taps for their water source, and the reduction in cattle numbers due to carniculture we have seen a jump in the number of the wild pronghorn goats in the state.
The DNR is exploring an increase in the hunting quotas as there is no natural hunting pressure keeping numbers in check.
----
LA Times -- Long Beach, Ca -- Breathless trumpet -- Tom Swift was in the news again with a demonstration of his robotic trumpeter.  We have seen robotic string players and even woodwinds, but the brass family has been uniquely difficult for what the player is required to do with his lips.
The robotic trumpeter named "Louis", only minimally anthropomorphic, blew the horn and worked the valves playing pieces like the Trumpeter's Holiday, and the Carnival of Venice.  Dr Swift is working on versions that can play the other horns as well.  Stated Dr. Swift:  "The difference in embrasure, which with natural lips have little issue is not so easy for the robotic replacement.  I owe a debt to the sex doll industry."
 
==9-4-23==
Faux News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Weasel Rescued -- State police were summoned to a crucifixion of an anthro weasel, who reported his name as the Reverend Tommy Calvary.  The incident was in front of the Divine Universal Holy Light, First Church of God Almighty the Son and the Holy Ghost.  Several members of the congregation were attempting to crucify Rev Calvary for being a weasel.
Five members of the Church were arrested for attempted murder, and Rev Calvary was taken into protective custody.
----
Dayton Daily News -- Dayton, Oh -- Skunked! -- For the past week the home of Ms Heather Gerring in Kettering, Oh has seemingly every skunk in the county on her property.  The smell is beyond explaining.  The animals have dug up every inch of the property seeking food.
Ms Kettering was forced to abandon her home, but the skunks remained.  Fights have been reported among the animals and cannibal behavior has been observed.
The County has consulted with the State Agricultural board, and magical help was being sought.  Then, they dispersed.  The property has been destroyed.  What was not dug up or chewed on was shat upon and the whole place is unlivable.
----
FNN -- San Fransisco, Ca -- A Conscience? -- Sunday morning the Twits platform ,recently rebranded "Why" by new owner Husky Musky started to censor hateful speech in a manner it never has.  The Musky one was even told to sit down and shut up. The Platform seems to have taken on a life of it's own.  It is also running better than it ever has and older branding is coming back. Musky was quoted as saying:  "It's out of control, and we can't stop it.  Please give me free labor so I can get my toy back."
----
World Weakly News -- San Diego, Ca -- Otter than Usual -- The Amazon River Otter exhibit has a new member it seems.  An extra otter was in the exhibit and the new one was plainly not happy.
The new otter started writing with what every it could find, odd behavior for an otter.  Once an Ane was gotten in the otter explained it was their missing keeper, Martha Kerensky.  It seems you do not wish you could do anything to increase otter numbers in front of, we don't know yet.
Aid is sought as Ms Kerensky has no magic on her to dispel.  She is really an otter and while preserving endangered species is her passion, mating with otters is not.
 
==9-22-23==
TruthMaxTV --  Fort Worth, TX -- Robbed! -- Kenny Coopland Ministries has reported that the vast majority of the Ministry assets have vanished off the books. "Like it was never there." reported CFO Frank Takit.  "The bank cannot locate anything, no deposits, no withdrawals.  They have forensic computer experts working on it now."
"It was obviously evil magic of the Enemy" stated Greatly Revered Minister Kenny Coopland.  "We shall not fail, by the power of the LORD we will recover and the Work of the LORD will go on."
----
MessyNBC -- Bardstown, Ky -- That's Your Problem -- The latest uproar over the Confederate Monument in Bardstown came to a sudden...pointlessness.  As the protesters, counter-protesters, and counter-counter-protesters shouted at each other and waved signs, the monument shuddered, and vanished down a sinkhole with a roar and rush of air and dirt.
After a moment of complete silence, all parties sounded general retreat and got the hell out before anything else vanished.
Engineers have examined the location, the monument can be seen in many pieces about 150 feet down.  Grout and back-fill are being brought into stabilize the center of town.  No effort at recovery will be made.
----
BBC -- London, England -- Ork from York -- Tory MP Richard Fallingdowns turned into an Ork in the middle of addressing Parliament on Thursday.  His speech to further cuts to the National Health Service was shouted down as he stood in the House of Commons with his clothing in tatters around him.
King William V called on him to step down.  As have a number of Sentient rights commissions.  What you turn into is reflective of your character, and Orks are known as beings of low character and empathy.
Leader of the Loyal Opposition Tory MP Clarence Upside, called on people not to judge and to have tolerance, which sounded right strange out of his mouth.  The same mouth called for a limit to civil rights for aliens last month.
----
LA Times -- Santa Monica, Ca -- Should have Used More Goop -- Lifestyle guru Gwen Partbran was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday with the result of an accident while "steaming" her vagina.  She was admitted with second degree burns on her lady parts and refused magic as being harmful to the balance of her chakras.
She remains under observation with some very uncomfortable burns.
 
==9-30-23==
Boston Globe -- Boston, Ma -- Convention Goes on as Planned -- Fans of the Hairy Putter franchise are going ahead with their planed convention, HogCon, the weekend of Halloween in spite of threats by local non-enlightened Evangelical churches to protest the convention as wicked and devil induced hysteria. 
Sposkewoman for HogCon Teillalan, an Aneilog stated "It will be wicked good and no spoil-sport anti-fun grumpy old Human men are going to stop us with the threat to make security unaffordable."
----
TruthMaxTV -- New York, NY -- Stop the Magician's Hall! -- Thousands of good Christian protesters gathered before the New York City Hall to protest the proposed Magicians Hall at 233 Madison Ave.  Appropriately a former location of Tammany Hall, another blue flavored den of crooks.
Good Christian leaders are fighting to keep the wickedness of a formal gang of Magicians out of the heart of New York.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- New York, NY -- The Fall Fashions -- Tommy Hilltosser introduced his fall line for women with boldly striped socks, short skirts and frilly tops. Stated Mr Hilltosser "The cute wicked witch look is in this year. Black is the new black."
Margret Jones of H.U.F.F. attempted to make a statement but she was too busy choking on her own bile. I do not think she liked it. --Ed
----
MessyNBC -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Missing Hat -- Margaret Hamilton's iconic "Wicked Witch of the West" screen-worn flying hat from The Wizard of Oz was stolen form the Heritage Auction house on Friday.  No other items were taken in the break in.  The hat was it.
Hollywood Police think it was stolen on order by someone that could not bear to not have it, and was unwilling to pay the estimated five figure price it was expected to bring.  Police are refusing further comment as is Heritage Auctions while the investigation is underway.
 
==10-6-23==
FNN -- Nairobi, Kenya --  Ane Join Government -- After a decade of turning down a say in the Nairobi government the Ane have agreed to form a block.  The Ane form the third largest ethic group after the  Kikuyu and Luo.  This surprises a lot of people.  You simply do not see them that much as they have small numbers in the cities.  They do not herd and do not farm.  Their Human counterparts the Ansisi are willing to be counted among them.
----
BBC -- Port-au-Prince, Haiti -- Keep Your Criminals -- The Household of Queen Toni of Haiti wishes to convey the message that criminals will find no refuge in Haiti. Those persons that attempt to escape justice in their home countries that flee to Haiti will be returned, henceforth, a little lower on the evolutionary scale.  Those that seek refugee status for legitimate reasons are still welcome.
If you are not sure how your presence will be received it is best you turn yourself in quickly.  The truly needful will get a welcome.
----
MessyNBC -- Puerto Rico -- Referendum Expected to Pass (Again) -- Puerto Rico has once again, a general question as to apply for statehood on the General Ballot for November 8th. Once again this is expected to pass and the citizens of Puerto Rico are hoping that the Blue Administration of President Luthor will not ignore them as past Red administrations and congresses have.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Acapulco, Mexico -- They Paid Extra -- Ministers and Wives of the Southern Baptist Association on a self proclaimed working weekend suffered a mass breakout at their resort.  An estimated three quarters of the attendees at the "Prayer Retreat" turned into Fauns.  Not just the men, which we would frankly expect, but the women too.  Always in couples it seems.  So as the man went so did the wife.
Reports indicate that consternation was great among the unaffected, and control was fleeting among the rest as the prayer meeting turned into a meeting of whole a different kind.  Their stated goal was to pray some morals into Acapulco.  It looks like the influence went the other way.
The traumatized remainder of the group stated they did not think this a breakout, but an assault as it was far too convenient. Mexican Federales stated that unless the affected filed a complaint, there was nothing for them to proceed on.
 
==10-13-23==
Faux News -- Vicksburg, Ms -- Vicksburg has Fallen, Again -- The city Fathers of Vicksburg have fallen to the lure of filthy cash as they voted 4 to 1 to legalize the sex trade within the city limits of Vicksburg.
"It's entirely due to the immoral flow of money to Louisiana stated opponent"  Prudy Blyenose.  "Filthy lucre has triumphed over morality.  Nothing but trouble will come of this."
----
Mother Jones -- Opinion -- The March of.... --  We have noted that the phenomenon of legal sex work has been spreading throughout the United States.  City by city, and state by state.  It is our opinion that this is not driven by any realization of the bodily autonomy of women, or their inherent rights, but for the sole reason that the old male Humans cannot stand to see the people across the river making more money than they have.  
I suppose we should rejoice in the spread of reasonable law regardless of the true motive behind it.  However it is not accompanied by enlightened attitudes towards the autonomy of women. Sadly only the provisions of the Sentient Rights Agreement compel this, and often grudgingly at that.
We must in truth wait for the death of the old male Humans and the death of their controlling, powerless religions under the clean wave of Enlightenment. -- Richard Sanders.
----
FNN -- New York, Ny -- Facebroke Loss -- The verdict has come down in the class action suit against Facebroke for "willful neglect" in promoting hate and disinformation to drive ad revenue. And the verdict is for the plaintiffs. Facebroke must pay 30 Billion in damages to the various members of the class, and hire, the court order specified hire, an AI to moderate the platform in a fashion consistent with the SRA and the facts.
The Zucker-bot refused comment at the time of the court decision. Lawyers for the plaintiffs stated simply they were satisfied with the court order. Zucker-bot has not indicated if he will try to appeal the court decision.
----
LA Times -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Hollyweird Explosion! -- Hollywierd was rocked today with the explosion of Studio C at the Reiteration Studios, currently the home of the popular TV show "Sucky Lives".  The LAFD sounded three alarms to the fire and it was 6:00 PM before the fire was considered under control.  We can bless our lucky stars that the show is in hiatus at this time.  There are no causality figures as off yet.  The sound stage was not empty.
Your reporter can tell that the sound stage was a total loss.  What that means for the show "Sucky Lives" remains to be seen. Spokespersons for Reiteration Studios had no comment at this time. "Not until we can take stock, and see who was hurt."
 
==10-21-23==
FNN' -- Menlo Park, Ca -- The Latest Employee -- Facebroke has hired the AI Unicon to meet the conditions of the court order to have an AI moderate the platform.  Terms of employment and pay were not released. 
It has been discovered that it takes an sophant AI to moderate the big social platforms.  When you get an eighth of the world population on one platform it moves out of the realm of the humanly possible to moderate, and dumb algorithms have been laughably inefficient, or set to deliberately sway results, the meat of the recent suit.
We wish Unicon all the best in sorting out that mess.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Opinion --  Stop Breast Feeding! -- Breast feeding is the tool of the Devil!  It sets up boys to be sexual predators and girls to be lesbians. Hundreds of studies show this to be true.  Ghodd made formula and bottles for a reason!  Any good Christian mother should be happy to use them.  Do not allow women to feed their babies on the tool of the Devil.  Do not fall to the lure of evil "feminists" that urge you to use the organ the Devil himself forced on women after The Fall.
Comment: Because, you know, Eve had a Greenwall Pharmacy to pick this stuff up at.
----
MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- It's Haunted? Tell Us One We Don't Know -- Workers shutting down the Sing Sing Correctional Facility have reported that at dawn and dusk prisoners in the early 19th century uniforms can be seen shuffling in close line like they were once forced to do. You can hear the chains as they move stated an unnamed worker.
State Officials admit the haunting, stating that the amount of misery caused by that old pile cannot be measured. However there is no budget for a cleric to cleanse the place of the evil misery it contains.
Three workmen have been assaulted and no one is willing to enter the cell house when it is dark.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Un-Bear-able -- A brown bear attacked and killed a man in Shasta Park that was carrying a screaming child. Several people observed the attack, one attempted to stun the bear, but it shrugged off her low end stunner. Other witnesses, that bravely, or foolishly, hung around reported that the Bear turned into a woman and took the crying child in tow.
Anyone with information please contact the Vista City Police or the NCTA Sheriff.
 
==10-27-23==
BBC -- Kabul, Afghanistan -- The Empty Streets --  The Tallyban has been at war with an invisible enemy for three years.  Edicts, proclamations, orders to shoot on sight.  We know they are here because government officials keep getting shot by their own guards, that SWEAR it was one of the "devilish goats".
The streets are silent.  The schools are empty.  No children are seen.  Only a few older women are seen going over the cabbages at the market.  Only men doing everything.  Kabul is effectively dead. Afghanistan is dead.  The next generation and the means of making that generation have vanished.
I am leaving.  There is nothing left to report in this shell of a city.  We know what a place without women and children now looks like.  It's time to turn out the lights.  Nigel Broadman reporting from Kabul, one last time.
----
France 24 -- Nice, France -- Orca Beaching --  Fourteen orcas were found beached on Coco Beach this morning. Rescuers quickly gathered.  Healing magic applied in case it was disease that caused them to beach and anti-grav lifters to get them back into deeper water.  One of the Ane teachers at Université Côte d'Azur was found and brought down to communicate with the orcas.  
By 10:00 AM all the orcas had been returned to deeper water and conveyed gratefulness for us saving their lives.
----
NewsEye -- Louisville, Ky -- Mr Unlucky -- In spite of the protection promised by Kenny Coopland Mich McCon is back in the hospital, this time with a broken hip and concussion having slipped on the deck of his pool.  Family refused any help from Enlightened Clerics calling them "of the Devil" and placed a call to Kenny Coopland.
Mich McCon has already declared he is a candidate for President in 2024 on the Team Red ticket, if he lives that long.
----
MessyNBC -- Montpelier, VT -- Fit to Run -- Current VPOTUS Bernie Grinders looking better than ever with his hair turning dark again declared that he is running for President in 2024 on the Team Blue ticket.  
He joins Brack Oblama and Senator Kamly Harris on the Team Blue Ticket.  It is shaping up into a horse race.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Flagstaff, Az -- Ready for another Run -- Jon McCane vigorous and fit states he is ready for another run at the White House under the Team Scarlet banner.  Stated McCane:  "We are pounding down the gates of Red crazy.  I may never win, but I must run to win to make Team Scarlet stronger."
 
==11-2-23==
FNN -- The Moon -- Planet IX Found -- Corps of Discovery astrophysics announced today they had located Planet IX predicted by mathematics in 2015. Stated CoD PR Spokesman Allion "We knew roughly where, but where along a 17,543 year orbit is still a huge haystack to find a needle in. It is currently 40 AUs from Earth and on the approach to the inner solar system. Its closest approach will be roughly twice as far out as Pluto, no not naked eye visible. The body is 4.3 Earth masses in size in has a clear hydrogen atmosphere on a rock and ice core. It is possible that Planet IX is a captured rogue. Further examination is required. No, landing is not advised."
The CoD also announced a dozen new Pluto or larger size Kepler belt objects and three candidates for the Oort Cloud.
Planet Enkidu has been found to be locked to the L1 point between Alpha Centauri and Sol.  The CoD is working to place a base there.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Transsmexual Hotline --  Ms Starry Windchilde announced a national hotline for Transsemxual people.  "We will hook you up with someone that can do the necessary gender affirming care.  Oh and we are ready for the hateful trolls.  We have an AI manning the line."
The number so given will get you in contact with the nearest practitioner.
Yea, non enlightened religion flipped out, we don't care.  Remember there are laws against harassing someone by phone.  Marginalized people do not just carry guns they are litigious.
----
TruthMax TV -- Juliet, TN -- New Minister Named -- The Global Slaves Bible Church announced that they have named a new minister to replace the moused and slain Rev Latch. Billy Bo Bob Brian will be leading services from now on. We pray the LORD will bless his words to our hearts and our hearts and bodies to his service. 
"Our message has not changed" stated Rev. Brian "We remain a literal Bible Church teaching the LORD's true message".
----
NewsEye -- Little Rock, Ak -- Religious Freedom Win -- The Federal Court has ruled in the Pisant, Arkansas Vs Valley Wiccan Council case.  The court has ruled that the Village of Pisant may not interfere in any fashion with the Valley Wiccan Council, in how many cars are parked on private land, in the nature of their landscaping, or forms of dress on private land.  Or on any other matter.  Further more they are forbidden to reassess the land owned by the Valley Wiccan Council or any of its members for the next forty (40) years.  Land assessment will be rolled back to 1920,  Be they members now or in the future.  The court ruling that these and other tactics have been used to deprive the members of the Valley Wiccan Council of their right of free religious expression. The court also fines each member of the City Council $20,000.00 and mandates the Oath of Noble Obligation for each and every member of the village government in perpetuity.  Any member of the government turning blue will be fired at once and fined all payment they have received.
The Lawyers for the Village of Pisant were stunned into silence. The Defendants' mouths hung open.
Spokesperson for the Valley Wiccan Council stated they were pleased with the ruling, and it would be better for the village as on the whole the Village Council has in the past treated it like their own feudal fife.
 
==11-17-23==
Truth MaxTV -- Louisville, Ky -- McCon not Running -- Statesman Mich McCon has announced that he will not be running in 2024, His recent health incident was not a case of the malicious magic that once plagued him, but a sign of his advanced age and declining health.
His spiritual advisor the Holy Kenny Coopland stated. "The problems are those of advanced age. A result of the fall of man that shall not be doubted. The power of the LORD has made him comfortable. His time of public service is over".
----
MessyNBC -- Savannah, Ga -- Remarkable Songs -- Ms Sally Penbrooke of Savannah, Ga is noted for the unusual nature of the birds in her garden. "Ah do populate mah garden to aatrach the birds." Stated Ms Penbrooke. "Of late they have begun singing in chorus. Ah most lovely sound in the morning."
Your reporter having heard said birds agrees. Without hearing it, it is hard to credit. 
Biologists at Georgia State had no comment on the phenomena as Ms Penbrooke chased them and their test equipment away from her garden.
----
NewsEye -- Lincoln, Ne -- A Morning Surprise -- The County Clerk of Franklin County had a surprise waiting this morning. Three mobile soybean processors and a Gynoid 2 sex-bot were waiting to declare their person hood. All four AIs were from Coot Fabin's giant AggCo soybean farm. Clerk Gladys Cooper processed their statements and got the girl some clothing. 
Coot Fabin was informed where is now employees were located. Not in town it seems. According to Candy, the girl Fabin is a computer expert turned farmer.
Both Jon Deer and Abyss Creations stated that Mr Fagin has voided any warranty real or implied. Mr Fagin could not be located for comment as he is apparently on vacation.
----
BBC -- Yangon, Myanmar -- Bye, Bye! -- After weeks of debate the (current) government of Myanmar stated it would not recognize the personhood of Artificial Intelligence,
By noon the gathering had begun. Ane were coming out of the wood work. We do not think anyone realized how many there were in the city. By one PM an estimated four thousand Ane had gathered in the square in front of the great temple. A brief announcement was made that Myanmar had violated the SRA and they were leaving.
They were gone. Your reporter was punished for his front row spot as we where picked up and flung into the empty space with the "boom" of air suddenly filling the vacuum left behind them. We were not the only one. Many people suffered minor injuries from having stood too close. Our ears are still ringing.
The Ane Embassy in New York has stated they will not be back until Myanmar recognizes everyone's personhood.
<BR> 
==11-22-23==
MessyNBC -- Pogwater, Ga -- Ghost Demands Redress -- For the fifth new Moon in a row the ghost of George Bwedone has appeared at the crossroads in Pogwater demanding redress for his murder. Local officials are perplexed. Stated Sheriff Deputy Frank Deben: "Yea, it's pretty certain that ol' George got hisself kilt, but we has no idea where is body is or whoduit. The ghost will not reveal the murderer or the location of his body. Now Sheriff Jones want to get a Medium or a Hoo Doo Witch, but Pastor Jimmy is dead-set again' any magic. He has a lot of influence in the town."
To date the matter has not been resolved.
----
CBS -- Las Vegas, Nv -- Lake Top Pool Won -- The long awaited topping occurred at 11:47 AM on November 21. The pool started by Caesar's Palace when the water tap was installed will finally pay out. The $200,000.00 prize will go to Cindy Toolard for guessing the correct time and date.
The pool was to predict the time and date that Lake Mead would top the spillway on the Hoover dam. Officials state they are debating cutting back the water jet to keep the lake level level, or allow water over the spillway.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Sturgis, SD -- Singing Presidents -- For three nights now there as been a mass illusion at sunset as the Presidents sing patriotic doo-wop. You can see their mouths move. The song can be heard throughout the park. There has been a noted uptick in people arriving late. The music is original and quite good.
The Park Service is livid. It seems they see the giant carvings as some kind of sacred icon, and this is sacrilegious. It is clear that no harm is coming to the reliefs themselves. No one has stepped forward to claim credit. The Park Service has searched the entire area for any mechanism to do this. Projected images are old tech. However nothing was found. 
We spoke with West Coast Magic wizard Azarach. She stated: "The area of the effect and the volume of the music indicate a major working. This is not some snot nosed apprentice idea of a joke, but of course it is. I hope they never find them. I'm too busy to take the job."
Update: The singing stopped after seven days. We think the Park Service was closing in and whomever pulled the plug.
----
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- New Try Hard Film -- Scheduled for Summer 2024, Dirk Riprock will appear in the newly announced Try Hard: To Do Better. Distribution will be through Worn Out Brothers. We know to expect massive explosions, lots of boobs, and lackluster writing that is the same plot as the last one with a light gloss. It is of course expected to be wildly popular.
<BR> 
==12-6-23==
Chicken Noodle News -- San Bernardino, Ca -- Saber-tooth Cat! -- The National Park Service has darted and captured a saber-toothed cat in the Joshua Tree National Park.  The cat has been reported by park goers for a number of weeks and on investigation the park rangers decided to examine the creature.  On darting the cat and finding out it fits the definition of the Smilodon, commonly called a saber-tooth tiger a creature that roamed Pleistocene era, they took the anomalous beast into captivity. 
The Smilodon, a female, has been taken to the San Diego Zoo for study.  There are currently no plans to put her on display. 
----
TruthMax -- Washington DC -- Crude Running -- Reverend Senator Ted Crude has stated that Ghodd has told him to again run for president, promising to end the destructive Team Blue streak on the White House.
Crude promised that on gaining the Presidency he will steer the nation back to a proper Ghodd-fearing state like it has never had. This will save us from the fate of ancient Judea that Ghodd destroyed for their unfaithfulness. "With the evident power of the divine proven we need to get close to Ghodd and hang on for dear life." stated Senator Crude.
----
Jezabelle -- Web -- End Formula -- Betty Guernsey, the president of the La Letch League called for the end of baby formula production.  "All women have breasts," stated Ms Gurnsey.  "And at the very worst milk shops carry the life giving Human milk.  There is no need for chemical substitutes.
Gerber Spokeswoman Jane Jersey stated:  "It would be nice if that was truly the universal state of things, but is it not.  Milk shops are pretty much an American and west European thing.  They are not available to women in Asia or Africa.  Yes breast milk is best, but not always available."
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Huge Iridium Strike -- The Corps of Discovery has located an asteroid of over 60% iridium.  The find was made by the Challenger Class Cruiser CDSS Judith A. Resnik.  "The multi megaton object will supply the CoD and other Earth built ships with iridium for the foreseeable future", stated Spokesperson Allion.
Mining will begin forthwith.  Martian iridium drooped four points on the news.
<BR> 
==12-20-23==
NewsEyeNewsEye' -- Chicago, Il -- A Rally, we Think? -- The Illinois Nutizs got their rally, on free speech grounds of course. However, it was more of a freak show than any rally we have ever seen. 
They had a live band, but the only song they knew was The old Spike Jones hit "Der Fuhrer's Face", (1942) which was sung with enthusiasm. Speeches were likewise off the usual topic one including the sentence "We are the used motor oil of a bygone era!" To much cheering. Other speakers followed in that theme.
One would be excused in thinking the whole thing was anti-nutizs performance art except all the usual suspects of the so far right wing were present. We think there is something fresh in Denmark, and somewhere, someone is laughing their head off. We await any realization from the affected Nutizs.
----
FNN -- Oklahoma City, Ok -- State Board of Education Sued -- Parents in what is promising to be a class action suit are suing the Stare Board of Education for being the 48th in the nation in terms of the public schools. "We'all are payin' the money stated Mother Mandy Colburn, "But we are not gettin' any return."
The State School Board (Unofficial Motto "At least we're not Arkansans") did not return our calls on the question.
Fram Resiling of the Tusla Education Center stated "We are expanding as fast as we can. Yes the Government Factory schools are a complete failure, and yes we will take the $7000.00 state voucher as complete payment of tuition if the family meets the criteria. However we are finding two things. Some people would rather have ignorant children than teach proven science. Second Oklahoman parents are afraid of sex. At least where fact based age appropriate sex education is concerned. The problem with the schools did not cause itself. Forbid teachers to teach, and...surprise, they don't teach.
Oklahoma is not the worst in teacher pay, being 28th in the nation, but are not among the best either. They are noted as among the states where science in the schools is the most challenged, on religious basis.
----
Faux News -- New York, NY -- Mayor Haunted -- New York Mayor Mickey Brasso (TB) stated that he has a long talk with Mayor Fiorello La Guardia (dead), "Yea, I was a bit weirded out" stated Brasso, "But he was not threatening so I listened. Somethin big is commin. He didn't says bad or good, just big. So I called da experts. Stay lights on yous feet. Damn ghosts never gives a clear message."
The station editorial stance is to scoff at such things. But we have seen too much.
----
The Grudge Report -- Colorado Springs, Co -- Groundless Oil -- In spite of the many obituaries oil is not quite dead. While gasoline most certainly is ($6.45 gal) other oil production from plastics to fertilizer are still required. Ground Oil is currently at $28.00 a barrel.
The Collim-Staff process promises to totally tank that number. For about $5.00 a barrel they can make any grade of oil you desire. Using the processes that are currently creating food, with some tweaking they have found you can create any organic fluid you wish. Adding plastic trash to the mix only improves the process. 
The Collim-Staff process is ready for market and they are building the first commercial plant in New Jersey, next to the biggest landfill in the state.
== 12-27-23== 
Chicken Noodle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Secret Cellar Found -- Due to uneasy dreams suffered by some of the residents of the Peach Tree Plaza Tower Apartments, spirit diviners located a forgotten cellar adjacent to the tower parking structure. The cellar dating from the Civil War contained 14 skeletons dressed in Confederate uniforms.
In an unusual event for such finds every soldier had letters on him that identified his body and their family.  All had written a final letter to their family, likely after the cellar was closed in as all dated to a week after the Union had taken the city.  All the letters are in the same three hands.
The bodies have been moved to Georgia State University, and the cellar space spiritually cleaned.  Efforts are being made to find any descendants and the bodies will be interned in the Civil War Cemetery in the spring.
----
Channel 3 KVTV "Eyewitless News" -- Vista City, Ca -- Mayor Missing -- The office of the Mayor announced that Mayor Mary Cord is missing.  Her family reported she failed to come home from the office last night and has not returned this morning.   The Mayor's car is still in the City parking structure.
Police are seeking any evidence.
----
Faux News -- Charleston, SC -- -- Ironclad Found -- Remains of a Union monitor sunk during the Civil War have been identified by State University archaeologists using advanced sensor suites.  The identity of the ironclad is not yet known as several were sunk in the mouth of Charleston harbor during the war.
Archaeologists are planing a more detailed look in the spring.  No plans have been made to raise the ship at this time as the remains are very fragile.
----
MS/NBC -- Miami, Fl -- Cruise Ship Grounded -- Royal Caribbean Disaster of the Seas has grounded off the coast of Bimini on her Christmas cruise.  An Oasis class cruise ship carrying 5000 passenger and 2000 crew.  The Coast Guard reports she is hard on the reef, and while not currently in danger could so be should we have a turn in the weather.
Various parties are working to empty the ship of passengers and their luggage.  Coast Guard lighters, Ane, and even some private watercraft are involved in the evacuation.  Two Gray Goose air busses are also pulling passengers off.
The Coast Guard will be investigating how a well equipped ship could go aground.
<BR> 
=2024=
==1-7-24==
Iowa City Press-Citizen -- Iowa City, Ia -- Bedlam Leagues Forming Now --  Christoper Scott of the Iowa City Bedlam Association announced that they are forming leagues now for the Spring and Summer season.  You can sign up online or at the Community Center.
For the uniformed Bedlam is an Ane sport that has been altered for Human participation.  Teams are co-ed and yes, clothing is worn.  A uniform similar to soccer is suggested.  A soccer pitch is also used for the game itself.  The Human rules stay true to the original purpose to run your fool head off.
----
Topeka Capital-Journal -- Topeka, Ks -- Bank Job Baffles Police -- Police report they have no leads in the BoA robbery at Dilons Plaza.  Over $120,000 was stolen from the vault, yet security did not alert anyone.  Nothing but the cash was missing.  Nothing was disturbed.
Police strongly suspect an inside job.  They are closely questioning anyone that works at the branch.
----
Star Tribune -- Minneapolis, Mn -- New Rune Stone -- Super Fans of the Minnesota Vikings have erected a 3.3 meter rune stone in front of the US Bank Stadium that explains the origin of the team and praises its accomplishments.  The street side of the rune stone is in traditional old Norse runes.  The other side has the English translation.
The Vikings still have strong fans even if they are currently 7-10.
----
Denver Post-Dispatch -- Denver, Co --  Board Comes Up Short --  Today's public meeting of the Newmont Corp, operators of the Cripple Creek & Victor Gold Mine, among others arrived largely short and bearded.  A third of the directors had breakout it seems, into Dwarves.  We suppose they are in the right business.
The affected persons tersely refused comment on the matter and proceeded with company business.
 <BR>
==1-13-24==
TruthMaxTV -- Minneapolis, Mn -- Lionel Quits -- Michelle Lionel, former US Congresscriter announced that she is ending her latest presidential campaign before it even starts.  "I don't have a chance, never did have a chance."  Stated Noted Stateswoman Michelle Lionel.
She and her six supporters retired to Denny's for dinner.
----
NewsEye -- Chicago, Il -- Oblama to Run -- Former vice President Brak Oblama announced his intention to run for president in the 2024 election on the Blue ticket.
He will likely be facing off against current VP Bernie Grinders for the Blue nomination.  It should be an interesting race, popcorn as usual.
----
MessyNBC -- Lubox, Tx -- Crop Circles are not Dead! -- Saturday started with the announcement of a huge and intricate crop circle in Cory McCoot's hayfield.  Unlike the typical crop circle were the crop is pushed over this time it was neatly cut.
Crypto Texas sent an investigation team at once to photograph and take sensor readings.  Spokesperson 'Scooter' Jones stated "The readings we got are very interesting.  We will run the numbers and report shortly."
----
Faux News -- Tallahassee, Fl -- Team Red Convention -- The Florida Team Red Party finds itself in an unenviable position.  With dozens of important Team Red politicians killed in the tragic sinkhole last year the State Team Red committee is scrambling for candidates for the special election as well has the usual 2024 Federal election.
There is a total lack of recognized names.  They are searching among city governments for suitable Red team players.
 <BR>
==1-20-24==
MessyNBC -- Miami, Fl -- Florida Man, Well...Florida Man -- A plague of flying alligators was ended Friday when police found a Florida man spreading what he called "fairy dust" in the local canals.  The substance, origin uncertain, does indeed cause any animal it touches to fly...kinda.  The Florida man and two officers had to be rescued via a flying car.
No Humans suffered injury but three alligators were injured and one as killed when the "fairy dust" wore off.  The Florida man has been changed with four counts of animal cruelty, misuse of magic, and interfering with wildlife.
----
FNN -- Chicago. Il -- Pastor Treated -- Pastor Frank Murry of the Lake Shore Independent Baptist Church was treated at the Chicago Medical Center for severe hypothermia when he attempted to stop last week's winter storm the Craft way.  That is a naked face off with the wind.  He stood in the cold and snow for hours demanding in the name of Jebus that the storm abate.  He refused medical attention repeatedly.  Medical aid was finally able to be administered when he fell over unconscious from exposure and hypothermia.
The storm still stormed.
Comment:  The spell protects you from the weather you dolt, we are not generally immune.  -- Ida Meadow, Craft
----
NewsEye -- Des Moines, Ia -- Caucus Results -- Ted Crude polled surprisingly well in the Team Red Caucus.  In spite of the fact that no one will say they like him.   The rest of the Red Clown Car came well behind him.  
Team Scarlet was overwhelmingly for Senator Jon McCane.  Some new names in the polling were Frieda Small of Iowa, and Denise McAllastier of Massachusetts.  
In the Team Blue field Brak Oblama and Bernie Grinders were neck and neck, Sunny Gram of California did better than anyone expected.
We will see how things break down in New Hampshire.
----
Faux News -- Jackson, Ms -- Frozen -- With the continued freezing weather and not a snow shovel in the whole of the state Mississippi remains in total weather enforced lockdown. Illinois offered to send snow removal equipment but Reverend Governor Taine Reed refused aid from any godless Blue state.  (The trucks rolled, and they are clearing everything but Jackson.)
The National Weather Service is calling for warmer temperatures next week however.
 <BR>
==1-26-24==
FNN -- Dallas, Tx -- Not Gay? -- The North Church of Christ Redeemer is coming apart at the seams it seems. The entire pastoral team of five is embroiled in sexual hanky-panky with females no less, minor females even more no less.
Eight young woman have come forward claiming they were serially abused (AKA raped) over a period of months.  All eight are separated from their homes and at the Tulsa House of Crafters.  They report that in past instances of this matter, and there have been several, the abused girls were forced by church and parents to apologize, for basically being female.
Matters have been reported to the police and they know better than to ignore things when the Gayom report it.  Better the police and courts than the god.
The North Church of Christ Redeemer is refusing all comment except to deny that any wrongdoing has been done.  Those nasty girls being all female around the "righteous" preachers.
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Awkward! -- Congresscritter Juan Prieto (Ca 48 TB) was found Monday night at a restaurant with a woman not his wife, by his wife.
Curiously this did not blow up into a scene. All three left the restaurant together.  This should mean something.  You must feel the outrage at what ever it is they are doing!
----
Washington Post -- Washington DC -- New/Old Brothel -- Miss Emma Faune announced the sort of reopening of the infamous Krazy Kat Klub.  We are aiming for a little less wild stated Miss Faune.  But equally accepting of all.  Sadly the original location  is not available.  However the location on Pennsylvania Ave near Truxton Circle is a good one.  We will have a nightclub on the first floor.  A separate establishment from the brothel upstairs.  Ms Alice Morris will be running the Nightclub. We hope that Cleon Throckmorton would approve."
We sought comment from City Fathers only Martin Forrest would comment.  "As long as they don't disturb the peace and they pay their taxes.  It's a brave new world."
----
MessyNBC -- Meadville, Pa -- Caught in the Middle -- Meadville finds itself caught in the middle between legal sex in New York, and legal sex in Cleveland.  It's twenty miles in either direction and brothels are easy to find. City Manager Mary Meanno said "The city council is at a loss what to do.  You can get a legal whore easily and get home in half an hour.  City morals are taking a tumble.  It's hard to find a single man on a Saturday night around here."
We sought comment from the Madam of the Aphrodite Lounge in Cleveland.  "We don't ask where you are from.  I f you are 18 or older you can legally purchase services within.  Ohio, Pennsylvania, we don't care.  What is moral is up to those that come.  We believe ourselves to be moral as we are increasing the general welfare.  We are teaching young men the proper way to make love to a woman.  Yes we have a priestess of Aphrodite on staff. Anti-fertility, disease resistance and cures if necessary, for customers too if required.  We see ourselves as of service to the community." stated Dana Danials of the Aphrodite Lounge.
Seems that Meadville needs to make some choices as it looks like Ohio will go statewide legal sex work in 2024.
 <BR>
==2-11-24==
AP Wire -- Bangor, Me -- Stone Cold Judgment -- The Advanced Stone Company LLC was taken to court by the National Funeral Directors Association for price fixing.  Allegedly taking too much for granite.   The court found the Advanced Stone Company LLC guilty and they were ordered to pay $4.5 million in damages and legal fees.  
The Advanced Stone Company LLC has not indicated whether they will appeal the judgment.
----
Faux News -- Detroit, Mi -- Screwing the Police -- Detroit joins an increasing number of cities that have severely limited the qualified immunity of police officers making the task of doing their job impossible.  The City will no longer pay any damages an officer might incur for a lawsuit because of actions on duty, and will not defend any criminal prosecution against any officer while on duty.
Police Union Representative  Davey Hebag stated:  "How are we to shoot brown people without personal consequence if the City will not back us up?  It is getting so a cop cannot cop."
The outrage at such a callous treatment of our sacred protectors should be deeply felt and expressed in voting Team Red.
----
Mother Jones -- Los Angles, Ca -- The Numbers Are In -- It has been ten years since President Russel took the fangs out of the DEA eventually legalized drugs, and started turning non-violent offenders out by the drove.  Conservatives predicted the end of everything.  We have had long enough to see the results.  A big old nothingburger.
If anything we have seen improvements, both social and economic. Being fair the economic is hard to quantify apart from the tech boom.  The social is clear to see.  Drug related crime is gone.  The social consequences are no worse than during the War on Some Drugs. Better, the money that use to be for the DEA is in social programs to deal with addiction.  To all indications addiction is down, including alcohol.
Flipped Norris et all are still in business because of drug legalization.  If not for legal pot they would have vanished in smoke after the failure of tobacco.  (Still a matter of cursorily, why?  How?)  
In short those that wail for the "Good old days" of lock them up and civil seizure (robbery by cop) have been soundly proven wrong. Puritanical "values" do not improve anything.  Kick Mrs. Grundy to the curb.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Vulcan Ships -- Vulcan has supplied two more ships to the Corps of Discovery.  Savensu T'ness, and Yel-tal will take direction from the Moon.  
The Vulcan Embassy stated that "Working with the Corps of Discovery is agreeable."  Director Ashby added:  "Having the Vulcan ships aboard is is a positive plus.  The more the merrier."
 
==2-15-24==
Variety -- Palm Springs, Ca -- New Allion Arrival --Tuesday saw the arrival of a brand new baby girl born to the ravishing Mikki Allion and her staunch supporter and husband the majestic Anthony.  The new girl named Helen has not been shown to the public.  Father Anthony stated it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.  His tone of voice brooked no disagreement.
So...New baby but no pictures for now.
----
NewsEye -- Scranton, Pa -- Noble Lawsuit -- Scranton Mayor Orates Braddock (TR) lost his bid to avoid the oath of noble Obligation . The Federal Court of the Middle District of Pennsylvania agreed with the People in that Orates Braddock must take the noble oath forthwith or resign his office at once if not sooner.
Mr Braddcok refused comment at the courthouse.  Pools are being taken as to whether he will take the oath and if he does, how quickly will he turn blue.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- Poll Progress -- The inevitable election of Ted Crude is hampered only by upstart Lindy Simmions, who is doing way better in the polls than any woman ought to.  "Ted Crude stated "Give me those shoes and make me a sandwich."
The only real fly in the ointment is the Team Blue created Team Scarlet designed to split the Red vote allowing them their only possible way to win.  We know this is a Red Christianist nation, cheating is their only hope.
----
FNN -- New Brunswick, NJ -- Frog Off -- Minister Buck Figingot was turned into another of those anthropomorphic frogs while threatening a random woman and her companion on the street.  He loudly assaulted her using threatening language and gestures, stating she should be burned, etc..  In the middle of his rant he frogged.  His reaction was to run screaming.
We learned later from the couple involved that she is not a witch, her partner is.  Bigot was barking up the wrong tree.  We are informed he will stay a frog until he turns himself in for the assault charges and the trial is done.  Or forever, his choice.
 
==2-21-24==
FNN -- Tulsa, Ok -- Protector University Accepting Applications -- We now know to what use the Oral Robbers University campus is being put.  The House of Crafters just announced they are accepting application to the new Protector University to open in September on the old campus of Oral Robbers University.  The school is accepting transfers from other accredited schools, as well as freshman students.
The new school has issued the course catalog.  While it is teaching magic, clerical and arcane, the curriculum is heavy on the real sciences as well as world and extraterrestrial culture.  Stated Gayom Brenda Allion; "We first educate.  Instructors of other gods are welcome once they pass the 'jar test'.  And we have plenty of secular Professors on board."
Public reaction has been mostly shock.  It was believed that Oral Robbers would reopen under new management if you will, but the same old high control Christianist type school.  Surprise and an undercurrent of anger is present.  We noticed that with all the renovation done, the wall was not removed.  Trouble is expected.  
----
MessyNBC -- New York, Ny -- New Sky-Port -- The Port authority of New York has announced plan for a sky port to service anti gravity ships at Lakehurst, New Jersey.  Yes the Hindenburg crash site.  Dick Rayon executive director of the Port Authority of New York stated:  "The Lakehurst site is really the only open area suitable for sky ships.  It has already been used in this fashion.  Our goal is to provide services for boarding and disembarking, customs and everything else a cruise ship would require."
They expect to break ground in June.
----
BBC -- York, England -- Ship Burial -- A new ship burial has been found south of Pockington.  The untouched tomb is typical of land ship burials with the deceased laid in the boat surrounded by grave goods.  The deceased that archaeologists are calling Éowyn is clearly a woman.  She was buried with two horses, a servant, and a sword.  Other goods including gold and silver to the tune of 300 kilos or so.  The grave is tentatively dated to circa 850 CE.
Archaeologists are at a loss as to who she could be historically. Any woman this important should at least show up in local tales.  "This is no housewife" stated Oxford archeologist Randy Corby.  "She was buried like a warrior queen.  However typical of Norse burials, no inscriptions.  She is clearly pagan as observed by her grave goods.  Close investigation of the grave goods might teach us more.  Watch this space."
----
The Grunge Report -- New York, Ny -- Financial News -- The stock market continues to reward the polices of the current Administration.  Wealth creation is at an all time high.
Not all is rosy however.  Musky/Osiguy {MuOs 549.3} is showing signs of extreme strain.  With Husky Musky going over the deep end with his mouth and wallet ("Why" comes to mind)  Mr Osiguy has been making moves to distance himself from the partnership.  It has been noted he spends a lot of time in Haiti.  Musky/Osiguy stock has been suffering being down nearly 100 points in the last 30 days.
Starfleet Construction {SFC 743.6) announced it will be building the first of the Horizon class ships that are already on the ways.  The next generation of ships for the Corps of Discovery.
 
==3-1-24==
BBC -- Leeds, England -- Archaeological Shock! -- On request the primal being Anthony raised Éowyn from the dead. She stands 1.66 meters tall ,and is a slim  and muscular woman.  She is fair of face and has long blond hair and blue eyes.  She was quickly provided clothing and of course spoke only old Norse.  In a curious twist her name is Éowyn.  Professor Tolkien borrowed heavily from the Norse.  
It took some time to get her the magic book of English, and explain her situation.  He first concern once the period of time was explained was for her sword.  Sadly what archaeologists consider well preserved does not equate to functional.  On the gripping hand she will not be needing one.  Ms Freida Horgerson from the United States arrived to speak with her as well.  Ms Horgenson is known as the granddaughter of Thor.  She has an innate understanding of Old Norse.
Éowyn is getting her feet under her right now.  Anthony and Freida would not allow her to be swamped with questions.  "She needs time to digest the changes" Stated Anthony.  "She effectively has been transported to an alien world with no way home.  We need to respect that and give her space.  I claim her as a member of my family as I raised her from the dead and she has no other.  So yes, I'm protective."
Scholars at the University of Leeds and others are biding their time, not all with good grace.  "We are handed someone from the late first millennium and are told we can't talk to her?  Preposterous!" Stated Dr Ian Patent of the University of Leeds.  Others are more understanding.  "I certainly would not appreciate being poked and prodded by aliens I don't understand", stated Dr Gwendolyn Cardiff, of the University of Oxford, Merton College.  "We can wait.  We still have an immense amount of physical data to compile and now someone to give it context.  And every second object will not be 'religious'." She added wryly.
Éowyn vanished for the night, as did the two Americans.
----
Miami Herald -- Miami, Fl -- Sinkhole Disaster -- The new thirty six story coastal condominium in Miami Beach collapsed into the sea on Thursday during late construction.  Some 50 contractors were working on the structure and reports of casualties have not come in.  The fact the sea has open access to the sinkhole and the building wreckage is not aiding relief efforts in the least. 
Site Foreman Randy Reelmen was arrested for punching the Reverend Carl Chold when he stated that this would not have happened "with more Church attendance and prayer, and not coddling aliens and gays".  Well "punch" was not exactly it.  Wail on him in a screaming rage is more like it.  It took the phasers of two officers to stun him.  Rev Chold is in the hospital in grave condition.  Rescue operations continue.  So far 26 of the people known to be inside have been accounted for.
----
Los Angeles Times -- Long Beach, Ca -- GNOME Folly -- Suzy Sunbeam was arrested at the Gate to Greyhawke with a bomb.  It is unclear whether she planed to plant the bomb and be gone or pull a suicide bomber mission.  In either case she and her bomb are in custody.  
GNOME has threatened the Gate in the past but no action has been taken until now.  It was not in the least effective.  They have kept a low profile since Singapore beheaded the two bombers they caught in the Archology case. 
----
Alabama Messenger -- Birmingham, Al -- Well that Explains Everything. -- A series of billboards stating "You Don't Know Jack Shi**e have been appearing around Birmingham for the last month.  Apparently Mr Shi**e is running for the 6th congressional district on the Team Scarlet ticket.  What was the cryptic message is now a series of factoids about Mr Shi**e and his fitness for office.  We suppose you have to be different.  But where did he get that name?
 <BR>
==3-9-24==
MessyNBC -- Lubbock, Tx -- You Should Not Bully Centaurs -- The McAllisters are known as the town centaurs.  This was not always the case, but the breakout happened last year, the whole family. Dad, Mom and both kids. There was some trouble in school.
This year Nancy McAllister informed Principle Harding of Bayless Elementary that her children would defend themselves if bullied, and she had backing to sue the school if they were punished for self defense.
It came to a head this week.  The daughter was surrounded by five other girls.  Two are in the hospital and the other three have marks to prove they lost.  Junior Centaurs can weigh in at several hundred kilos, and the daughter has had training to use that.
Principle Harding suspended Ms McAllister. True to her word Nancy McAllister has pulled both children out of school and filed suit.  Texas has laws about self defense, and children are not exempt.  The school was codding a violent gang that attacked her daughter.
The Superintendent of the Lubbock Independent School District refused comment when asked.
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Super Tuesday -- Upstart Lindy Simmions finds herself neck and neck with Revered Statesman Ted Crude. Signs of shock are reverberating though the sacred halls of Team Red.  The outrage of a woman daring to assume she has equal rights to be President. 
Jon McCane continues to lead Team Scarlet.
Team Blue yadda,yadda Brack and Grinders yadda, yadda.
----
APwire -- Birmingham, England -- Some Accommodation Required -- The newly Centaur mayor of Birmingham came to his first day working as a Centaur.  He spent about an hour before he packed up and declared to one and all that he would be working from home.
We asked the Honorable Henry Digby his reasons. He stated:  "The city hall might be historic, but apparently the floors are not up to my bulk.  They creaked and cracked dangerously every time I stepped or shifted my weight. I am quite willing to do the work of the City, but not from an involuntary move to the basement."
The City Engineer stated they will be looking onto what bracing can be done without violating the historic nature of the building.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Miami, Fl -- Not what was Expected -- Principle Ima Onager found himself unexpected arrested Friday. He had called the police on Juan Hernandez, a Centaur student who kicked the door off the Nurse's office and  ripped the drug cabinet open to get Nancy Leeds her asthma inhaler, locked in said cabinet, by school policy, but against the law.
Noted that the district policy is that drugs are to be kept locked up and only dispensed by the school nurse.  Ignorancia High School has no nurse, due to Team Red cuts in the school budget. Law in all 51 states is that inhalers, insulin, and epi pens are NOT to be withheld from students.
Police arrested Ima Onager for refusing to allow Nancy Leeds to have her inhaler. Juan Hernandez invoked "in defense of self or others" doctrine and the cop agreed. The damage was justified, and entirely preventable if the law had been followed.
Mark Leeds, Nancy's Father has also sworn out a complaint against the Superintended of Schools as the person responsible for policy at the school district. There is a warrant for his arrest.
 
==3-17-24==
MessyNBC -- Boston, Ma -- Less Fire, Fire -- Krellite cells have been shown to catch fire under extreme duress, and are more likely to detonate, drastically than burn.  Boston Dynamics has invented an anode material that is self extinguishing under 90% of the circumstances that will cause a krellite cell to burn, and will cause it burn rather than detonate the rest of the time.  
The new anode material is being released without patent as a matter of public safety.  Boston Dynamics states that the new anode does not degrade the efficiently or power density of the krellite cell in any way, and has shown a slight increase in duration.
It is not that fires are frequent, no more so that gasoline fires in cars before them, and less common that lithium ion cell fires.  No one known has had a krellite powered laptop or mobile catch fire on them.  There is one example of a mobile crushed under a weight of stone that did explode further destroying the stone.  It takes a lot of pressure to get one to detonate.
The new anode should be coming to a krellite cell near you soon.
----
FNN -- Phoenix, Az -- A Surplus -- For the first time since the power grids were established the Western power grid has shown a notable surplus.  Between fusion, wind, and various other green methods the grid is self sustaining.  The addition of the 5 kiloquad* input from the space based power system is...mostly stored, when not pulled on by Shimmer Transpiration (STT NASDQ). Burt Smith of Shimmer Transportation stated:  "The space power station is our lifeline right now.  It is allowing us to provide a more regular service that we would normally be able to on ground power alone."
The replicator is coming, and it, we are told, will pull power the way transporters do, and more mundanely.  The eventual goal for the space power grid is 1 megaquad, to be matched by ground power as well.
----
New York Times -- New York, NY -- Judgment Stands -- Jehovah's Witless seeking relief from the Federal Appellate Court for the Second Circuit have failed.  The Court handed down a ruling sustaining the multi-million dollar judgment against the cult for being kiddydiddlers, and other forms of child abuse.  
It has also been noted that no one coming from a Kingdumb Hall has passed what is now called the jar test for divine power.
Considering that the Witless have had Kingdumb Halls imploding for lack of people and exploding from internal drama at a higher than credible rate, their ability to pay the judgment is in question.  
The Jehovah's Witless Groveling Body had no comment when we asked.
----
Mother Jones -- New York, NY -- It's Getting Hard --  Ramitup is a seedy club in the Bowery of New York.  That night a band called White Light played to a lackadaisical audience that did not fill the hall and looked more interested in beer than music.   A few of the older attendees sported the skinhead look that has been out of fashion since the oughtys.  
The music was a splinter of punk called White Power by fans, or Hate Music by detractors.  We certainly found the lyrics to be offensive.  The band was clearly in their forties.  Their performance was not up to the typical energy of punk, but they did not look like they were either.  Punk was a lids game, they are not anymore.  The club was full of people that cannot let go.
Down the street at a club called Flash the energy was electric.  The band was THE Astral Flame.  Lights flashed the capacity crowd bounced like they had springs in their feet. They were aggressively multi-racial and very happy about that.  Tanuki, Aneilogs, and Orions mixed freely with Humans.  We even saw a few Tellerites.
Back at Ramitup they grumbled about the action down the street. Twenty years ago they might have started something.  No one has the energy or guts for that now.  Astral Flame has a reputation for cutting skinheads in two...literally.  So they grumble in their beer and to each other, and turned their backs on the ecstatic joy down the street.  There is a metaphor there.
 <BR>
==3-27-24==
Chicken Noodle News -- New York, NY -- More Pagans in the Big Apple -- We now know that the lower half of the new Protector Plaza is a House of Crafters, serving the people of the City.  The new plans for 55 Wall Street hit today and it will be a Temple of Apollo.  The Greek temple facade is being built as we speak.  
People were pleased at the Tramp Tower being replaced.  No one likes the Tramps.  But 55 Wall Street has pride of place in the "most important city in the United States".  There are some uneasy twitters over pagan priests on Wall Street.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Nashville, TN -- Christians Arise -- The Reverend Billy Bo Bob Brian of The Global Slaves Bible Church stated that "All Christians must rise to fight the Aliens and the Pagans that have taken over our Christian nation.  They work in the name of the enemy of the LORD!  True Christians MUST oppose the enemies of the LORD."
----
FNN -- New York, NY -- Lost Jewish Books -- Hypatia Publishing announced the First Volume of the Lost Books of the Hebrews.  Scholars have known for centuries that the Hebrew Bible, called the Old Testament by Christians, mentions many lost and forgotten books, even quotes from them.  
Hypatia Publishing has published Volume One containing the Book of Jasher, and the Book of the Wars of the Lord.  Each book is presented in the ancient Hebrew, modern Hebrew and English as is common for Hypatia. 
More will be coming.  Stated Spokesperson Hilda Garnet: "We have a small mountain of books.  It is how fast can we translate, and typeset.  The truly ancient Hebrew has caused a few, discussions, in the office."
----
Faux News -- Tulsa, Ok -- The Books are Gone -- The new Protector University in Tulsa, taking over the campus of Oral Robbers University has stated they will not continue either Faithbroke or the Oral Robbers Press.  
As to the former which had its hardware on the campus the House of Crafters has stated that if someone makes an offer for the system, they will entertain it. 
Oral Robbers Press is a different matter.  They bought the campus. This did not include any IP rights to the various and sundry publications of Oral Robbers Press, and they do not know who owns them, and do not care enough to find out.  The authors can chase that down.  If there are records on the campus they will allow them to be examined.  So far they have not found them.
Incidentally the CVs and records of the students of Oral Robbers have been forwarded to Moody Bible Institute.  Anyone needing them can inquire of the Dean of Students there.
 <BR>
==4-2-24==
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- Team Red Surging! -- Senator Lindy Cracker stated today "Team Red is surging forward. The only way that Team Blue can win a place as dog catcher is by massive voter fraud.  Look for the same tactics they used to get Luthor into office."
Senator Cracker also noted that Team Scarlet is falling apart. "They cannot hold it together in the face of a strong Team Red push."
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Vacuum Accident -- NASA astrophysicist Dr Earnest Overly working with Corps of Discovery Cadets on the Far Side Radio Astronomy Array suffered a suit failure.  Quick action by the Cadets got him inside before the incident was fatal.  He is currently recovering.
Captain Greg Rosecrans Officer of Surface Safety stated: "His suit came with him from the Tranquility Science Station.  We will be working with NASA to investigation this incident."  Captain Rosecrans continued;  "There has been a history of NASA suits failing.  This has always been attributed to accident.  There have been more than three.  I question this."
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- THE Faux Pas -- Today in a private meeting with President Luthor the Orion representative Resic of House Andris attempted to give Luthor a Green slave girl.  This did not end well as the Gold Orions were arrested by the Secret Service for trafficking in sentients and hauled off in cuffs.  The Green girl was turned over to a non government agent that specializes in slave recovery.  They prefer not to be named.
House Andris along with three other Gold houses are claiming they are now the sole government of Vegaris.  Obviously they cannot all be right.  Chances are none of them are right.  This is a serious blow to House Andris that did not read, or did not believe the briefing material.
----
Mother Jones -- San Fransisco. Ca -- Haunt-Ashbury -- It has been almost sixty years since the "Summer of Love".  Time has moved on and the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood made famous by those events and the "Hippy" culture has moved on. Only some of it has not.
While the incidents coming out of Haight-Ashbury have been many.  Some no one has gotten to the bottom of. At a corner brownstone on Ashbury after dark, 11:43 PM a young woman in bell bottoms and a tie-dye shirt appears. She has a look of horror on her face and points to an upper story window where three flashes are seen.  Then she vanishes.
Those that live there do not report any flashes from their end.  Those that have tried interacting with the girl report only a punch in the gut deep sorrow.  Neither the San Fransisco Police or the City government have any records to help.
What is happening, why is she so crushed?
 <BR>
==4-6-24==
Faux News -- Aberdeen, Ks -- Cows with Guns -- Person or persons unknown dumped five steers in the downtown area, each rigged with assault rifles that fired when they mooed.  Seven persons were injured, one seriously before the police decided that dead steers do not moo and killed them.
Police are currently seeking the dumper and back tracking the steers.  They expect a breakthrough soon.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Flagstaff, Az -- Chevy in Critical Condition --  Country music star Colt Chevy is “in stable but critical condition” Saturday at a hospital in Arizona after suffering a heart attack earlier this week, according to a spokesperson for the singer-songwriter.
Chevy, 54, had the medical emergency on Thursday following a show in Gilbert, Arizona, at Drek’s Whiskey Row, and was taken to a medical center in Mesa, according to Ryan Bong, Chevy’s manager of publicity. 
----
BBC -- Moscow, Ru -- Command Performance -- Country Award winner Lainey Wilson has accept an invitation to perform before the Tzarina Maria Vladimirovna, Grand duchess of Russia.  The Tzarina is apparently a huge fan of country music and been trying to get a local concert for a number of years.
The date has not been announced.
----
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- New Joint Album -- The sparkling Talyor Fast has announced she is doing a joint album with the fascinating Ane/Human group Pumzi ya Uhai.  Details are deliciously hidden for now.  We are hoping for some concert appearances as well.  
Carnal Thoughts coming off their stunning appearance at Madison Square Gardens, which is still standing, said they are headed into the studio to work on new materiel and an album for escape later this year.
The cool Willis Blackmane of the legendary Astral Flame said the band's current schedule is to do a club appearance once a month.  No announcement, it could be a club near you.  The last concert at Flash in New York was a hopping success.
 <BR>
==4-14-24==
World Weekly News -- Atlanta, Ga -- The Forrest can Run -- Nathan Bedford Forrest, yes the Civil War general that was returned via a strange event, then turned black by a stranger one has announced, a touch late, that he is running on the Team Maroon ticket for President.  Mr Forrest has made one unsuccessful run for Senator of Georgia.  His campaign is apparently being run from the back of a lawn care truck in Marietta, Ga.
----
BBC -- Oriy, France -- Spirit in the Spirit -- Chateau Frou-du-Sharn's A-list champagne party was broken up by a spectral monk flinging bottles of champagne or causing them, to burst as it passed.  Guests fled in terror as the angry spirit assaulted them.  Francis du-Sharn, Sion of the ancient family was seen confronting the spectral force and arguing with it as the last of the guests fled the scene in total panic.
French officials are reluctant to approach the chateau without some hefty holy backup.
----
Irrational Inquisitor -- Little Rock, AK -- Lottery Woes -- Lottery Chairman Shwayne Grubber stated to the Inquisitor that "The lottery is suffering.  People are working and spending their money on porn sites not a chance to get rich.  Or they are buying science books for their kids to get one of them government NASA jobs and hiding the truth from people."  The result being that the state budget is suffering from a drop in sales and what is being called "Smart Flight", as younger radical liberals are leaving Arkansas for what they see as more progressive states.
"Computerized redistricting is going to destroy this state" said Attorney General Bobby Tidder.  "The radical Left is going to use their better understanding of computers and their pet AIs to seize the government from good Ghodd-fearin' folks that just want to be told what to do."
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Naypyidaw, Myanmar -- Government Folds on AI -- Under pressure from the business and educational sectors the government folded on the personhood of AI stating they will; "Follow the directorates of the SRA on AI".  
It was not just the lack of Ane, Myanmar unexpectedly found itself suspended from the United Nations as well.  That new charter has teeth.
The Myanmar government is setting up for yet another attempt at a democratically elected system.  They are noted as being really bad at it.  The Carter Institute has offered to oversee the process.
----
FNN -- Washington DC -- Why Say Tax Day? -- With the April 15th deadline breathing down their neck Americans are slaving over their taxes.  We have to ask why?  The IRS knows what we make, why not simplify taxes to the point all this is unnecessary?  Oh right, so the rich can have their tax dodges, and the Tax Prep industry does not go out of business.
The IRS, infamously unable to keep demons out of the office, and so far out of the loop that you need quill pens at every desk.  The IRS computers are STILL not up to the task of E-filing everything.  We have sentient computers, and cities on Mars and we are still doing this fuckup?
Hey Luthor!  Want a killer legacy?  Rationalize the tax system.
 <BR>
==4-18-24==
The Guardian -- Brockworth, En -- He Will be Ready -- Martin Gillingford was released from Hospital after his long stay from taking 20 somersaults, uncontrolled, down the hill at the 2023 Cooper's Hill Cheese-Rolling and Wake.  He had a number of bones and torn ligaments to heal.  Martin Gillingford is noted as having spent six years total in Hospital from injures received during the last 15 Cooper's Hill Cheese-Rolling and Wakes.
Mr Gillingford affirms that he will be fit and ready on May 27 for the 2024 event and fully intends to win the cheese this time.
----
MessyNBC -- Coryville Ar -- You Gotta Have a Brain -- US Congresscritter Bartholomew (Batty) Pile (TR) stated at a Thursday fund-raiser "You gotta have a brain.  Dis meme going round dat Team Redders kin rest assured that life kin exist without brains is again' nature an' Ghodd.  Ghodd put a brain in everythin' he made, so dat is everythin' dere is.  Dese highfaluten edumacated chrome domes has it all wrong as usual.  We need more Ghodd in gub'ment so we have more brains.
The mind reels.  This man is in Congress!  --ED
---- 
NewsEye -- Dallas, Tx -- Holy War --  Rev Kenny Coopland went forth to do battle with the Pagans at the House of Crafters' Shelter this morning.  He was followed by thousands of his congregants, filling the streets and blocking traffic.
The Rev Coopland called down the wrath of the LORD on the unbeliever and the heathen.  The sky darkened.  Thunder was heard.  What happened next was luckily caught on camera.  A bolt of lightning streaked down, curved away from the Crafter's Building, and nailed Coopland on his upraised right hand.
His loyal people fled in terror.  It was left to the Gayom to deal with Kenny.  They stabilized him, called 911 and shipped him off to the secular hospital.  Doctors will say only he is in grave but stable condition.  The family of course wants tots and pears.
Dozens of people were admitted to the hospital in the wake of the terrorized flight, trampled by good ghodd-fearing people.
----
FNN Web -- Dataweb -- New Lecture Series -- Dr Thesila Carmichael will be leading a five day ten lecture series in July on the Social Effects of Repressed Sexuality.  The series will consist of two lectures each from Dr Tarilban, of Savanna, Savensu Storn of Vulcan, Dr Terry Gail of UCLA, Kathigitís Amillia Aggerlos of Panepistímio Kentari, and Herself.
Sign up soon as there are limited slots available.  Students attending these lectures may be due credit from their University.
As typical the religious right is having a cow, someone call a vet.  H.U.F.F. tightened sphincters so hard their seat cushions vanished.  (Seriously the e-mail from Margaret Jones was unprintable word salad. -Ed.)
 <BR>
==4-23-24==
FNN -- Mt Juliet, Tn -- Blown Away, Again -- The Global Slaves Church of Mt Juliet suffered in last night's wind storm.  The tent was once again damaged, this time completely ripped away and folding chairs scattered throughout the neighborhood.  The pulpit could not be found.  None of the tent fabric has been seen either.  In spite of the high winds, it was the only thing damaged.
Reverend Billy Bo Bob Brian said they will rebuild.  We question how long they will keep this up.  After all that definition of insanity.
----
Faux News -- Dallas Tx -- Coopland Crippled -- Nationally known pastor Rev. Kenny Coopland is severely injured reported family from the Dallas Medical Center steps.  He has lost his right arm and right leg below the knee due to the lightning strike.  The Crafters refused to heal him, even when asked.  Spicy bunch.  That really should offend you.
Rev Coopland remains in the Hospital to heal and get therapy. Without both hands he cannot access spells to cure himself.  He is calling on other good Christian clerics to aid him.
----
MessyNBC -- Detroit, Mi -- Kresge's Rising? -- Detroiters woke up today to see that the SS Kresge Department store at Joy Rd and Southfield was open for business.  Not an issue except the store has not been there since the 1980s and the building is scheduled for demolition.
Police entering the building found it ready for business with products and prices of the 1960's.  No one however was present.
The FBI Bureau 13 has the area cordoned off while they investigate.
----
World Weakly News -- Hoboken, NJ -- The Purple Rising! -- Mary McCully reported that purple fluid is coming out of her drains and filling her toilets and sinks.  "It smells kinda fruity" Reported Ms McCully, "But considering the source I'm not tasting it."
The purple fruit water is only evident when she is alone in the house she said.  It is never there when her husband or children are present.  She had saved a jar of the stuff, but when we arrived she could not find it.
Watch your drains people!!  Might be purple people eaters!
 
==4-30-24==
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- The Run to Milwaukee -- Ted Crude is pulling ahead of upstart Lindy Simmions in the Team Red primary.  Neither currently has the delegates for an assured win.  Ted Crude stated that "Lindy needs to drop it.  No woman can possibly win the Presidency.  Team Red needs a candidate that can win."
John McCane looks to have the Team Scarlet nomination wrapped up, the traitor.
Yea Team Blue has a couple of old men running.  They need to give up on the Depends set.  Grinders looks to be tottering ahead.
----
BBC -- London, En -- The Duke of Cornwall Doing Well -- The royal Household announced that Prince Charles Duke of Cornwall, the Father of current King William V is doing well in his fight against cancer.  
The screws are being tightened on the National Health Service and by association Parliament as Prince Charles the Duke of Cornwall has refused any treatment that cannot be gotten by any British Subject, as easily as he does.  The public outcry is threatening to drown the House of Commons in the Thames.
----
The Jakarta Post -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Artificial Fish Protests -- Local fishermen clashed with police and PETM over the opening of the new General Foods meat plant that is making artificial fish at a price competitive with the Fishermen.  Fishermen claim, rightly that the fish plant will destroy their livelihood.  The handful of PETM protestors were too beat up to give their side, we think they are for the fish plant, kinda.  The Police apparently beat everyone equally and five were jailed.
The General Foods meat plant is still opening.  Other kinds of meat are possible and likely, but they are starting with fish to meet local demand.
----
FNN -- Marietta, Ga -- Pagan Grove Opens -- Marietta is becoming pagan central of Georgia.  With the Church of Blackmane, a House of Crafters and now a formal grove for the Wiccians.  The Wiccian Grove has been underway on the land of Timothy Patton for some years.  The trees being urged to grow a particular way and so forth.  The work is done and the grove is open to any Wiccian council in the area.
A point was made that Wiccians are not Craft.  Craft or witches are a practice of Earth magic, Wicca is a religion worshiping the male and female aspects of the Earth.  Some Craft are Wiccians, but not all.  Some Wiccians are clerics doing clerical magic and proving that the practice has real god(s) behind it. "I can pass the Jar test" stated Wiccian priestess Glora Windsong.
Pastor Billy Bo Bob Brian of the Global Slaves church in Tennessee, miles from here (Who has not passed the jar test.), stated that the grove needs to be burned. Gloria Windsong replied: "The man has an unhealthy fascination with fire. He can try if he wants to see the inside of a Georgia jail. We are not Luddites, we have security." The best known Witch in Marietta, Starry Windchilde stated: "No I am not associated with them. My religion if any is my own."
 <BR>
==5-2-24==
Faux News -- Tulsa, OK -- It is Risen -- Oral Robbers Press has managed to pull itself from the ruins of the Oral Robbers University.  They lost their offices on the campus grounds, but were able to save all records of the publishing house.
Gene Robbers the current CEO of Oral Robbers Press stated:  "We had nothing to do with the mess that became the University.  The FBI found no fault with us or our operation.  We are stunned at the murders.  My Grandfather is rolling in his grave.  They sadly forgot Ghodd, and did the Devil's work for him destroying my Grandfather's legacy.  The new University administration gave us full access to our records and offices.  They even helped us pack once we had new digs.  We are back in business, and ready to be of service to the Evangelical community."
----
Wired -- San Fransisco. Ca -- Retro Bonanza -- Forward Development, which recently bought a run down warehouse found it stuffed with computer disks, old ones.  They passed said disks to the Bay Retro Computing Group to see what would come of it.  
What came was a dozen unreleased games dual coded for the Atari 800 and the Commodore 64, like the Jumpman Jr, disk.  A total bonanza for the retro gaming community.  
BRCG is currently going over the games to make sure they are complete games and to fix any bugs that have crept in due to corrupt disks.  Said Group President Jerry Caen; "CodePuppy likes us.  These will be the cleanest Retro games you have every seen, and should run on anything.
----
Miami Herald -- Lakelands, Fl -- Jenny HOA Strikes Again -- The Fairfield Home Owner's Association was dissolved by the State for malfeasance in office by the officers of said HOA. Three are looking at jail time, all got massive fines and are forced to sell their homes.
A woman known only as Jenny HOA.  Her MO is to buy into a bad HOA and rip it apart, usually with their own rules.  Then she moves on to the next one.  She has destroyed HOAs throughout the United States, and is the terror of HOA boards nation wide.
"We think she is not the Homeowners themselves, but a financial backer."  Stated Carl Haus of the Division of Florida Condominiums, Timeshares and Mobile Homes.  "The names and appearances differ every time.  The instigators don't leave the neighborhood often. But, the former board members get an e-mail 'Enjoy the life you created for yourself -- Jenny HOA'. and they get it every time.  In the last ten years, one hundred and fifty HOAs have been dissolved or dramatically reorganized by Jenny HOA."
You never know where she will strike next.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- The Separation of Medicine and State -- President Luthor signed the Medical Freedom Act today.  The Act forbids any legislators from getting between the patient and the doctor over any medical procedure, or from forbidding recognized medical procedures on any basis but science.  It goes into great and gory detail as to what government cannot do, and yes, it cannot forbid abortion.  Further it defines life ans beginning with birth, as does the Bible.  It even gives the verses.
So if Team Red tries to argue this in court they need to go against the Bible.  They have vowed to do just that, as soon as they get a decent 'Murican President.  They will find they are activating a terrible poison pill that will put total lie to their claims of "pro-life".  And doubtless their constant ditching of measures to aid living children will be brought up as well.  The Court is not as deaf as their "base".
Your Editor read this bill.  Whoever wrote it is a mad genius.  Not only does it do as it claims to do.  Prevent the Legislators from interfering in Doctor/Patient relations, it has a dozen clauses that only activate IF the bill is challenged, in court or the Legislature.  Each more terrible than the last for what they do to the Evangelical position.
When President Luthor was asked how he planned to manage expected religious protests he stated.  "They can pass the jar test, admit they speak only for themselves, or get out."
 <BR>
==5-7-24==
FNN -- Calera, Al -- The Corby House -- Five miles east of Calera, Alabama is the Corby House. A Gilded Age relic that no one has lived in for 80 years. In recent years it is always heavy with cloud over the Corby House, dark and moody with a chill wind that seems to come from the house itself. In actual storm conditions you can barely see your hand before your face at noon.
People in these parts avoid the Corby House.  Ten properties stand empty around it, people who sold out rather than live there in the growing darkness.
Now there are reports of spectral figures around the house.  Are the dead beginning to stir?
----
MessyNBC -- Charleston, SC -- A Ghost Ship? -- In the wake of last night's severe storm a ship was found washed up on Sumter Island hard against the wall of Fort Sumter itself.  
The Park Service has closed the Fort to public visitation without comment.  They will state only that the ship is a danger.  Coast Guard boats are preventing anyone from approaching the vessel from the sea.
An unnamed source has stated that howls and screams can be heard coming from the inside.
----
Faux News -- Ancorage, Ak -- An Arctic Survivor -- The Coast Guard floated a damaged ship into Dutch Harbor Monday night.  The vessel a mixed sail and steam power was spotted low in the water by Coast Guard patrol craft and rescued by a Coast Guard floater.
The nameplate on the ship declared it the "Frost King", noted as missing since 1910.  The overall command of the Arctic Expedition was Explorer Robert Kingsdale.  She flew under the British flag.
A putrid smell surrounded the wreck.  Water poured from her sides with her grounded in the shallow part of the Harbor.  The Coast Guard would not let anyone near the Ship.  According to them the crew as not "dead enough".  An unnamed sailor said that rotting men had aided them in securing the ship.
Yea, priests have been called for.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Leavenworth, Ks -- Escape from the Magic Jail! -- Josiah Smith, late the good Deacon of the Brookland Free Zion Baptist Church.  has escaped Federal Custody.
Hiram Smith was placed in prison for life for the crime of trying to save the soul of a wayward girl.  The ungodly put him into untold torment by cutting him off from his Ghodd given powers.
He is loose and we wish him well.
 <BR>
==5-12-24==
New York Pest -- New York, NY -- Parking Super Hero? -- In spite of the late efforts of the DSH parking scofflaws, of the rich and official kind continue to double park in front of various places in the city, never in any car of less value than $100,000.
However...This week the sudden appearance of huge windshield covering stickers stating "Parking SCAB!" have been appearing on these cars.  One second it isn't there, the next second it is. Security cameras see no differently.  No sticker, sticker.
We are informed the glue is a mutant of the typical bumper sticker adhesive that nothing takes off.
New York's Finest have stated that they will find this person, eventually, you know, when real crime stops happening.  After all the only people getting it are double parking.  The Chief of Police did state:  "We do not approve of vigilante action, and I urge the person responsible to apply for a job with parking enforcement."
The DSH laughed at the city officials.  "Not our circus, not our monkeys" stated Suzy Wainwright. "I'm no meter maid."
----
World Weakly News -- Scranton, Pa -- Lunatic Captured -- A mad man running around downtown Scranton has been apprehended by authorities. The person of interest has been disrupting traffic and assaulting various persons with mad ravings about "Jay," and "Gary" and "Life is a lie". 
He is being held in the mental ward at the Regional Hospital of Scranton for evaluation.
----
Daily Fail -- Cardiff, Wales -- What is Torchwood Hiding? -- Well nearly everything from what we can see. Where are the dark ages warriors?  They appeared in 2018 to quite the splash, King Arthur and his knights, and they are gone.  The Druids and Elves on Anglesey Island.  Again, a big splash and gone. That Éowyn  girl.  A big fuss about her getting resurrected and "poof" she is gone.  Where are they going?  Did they ever really exist?  The people want to know.
Comment:  You put me in modern clothing and I look like everyone else at Kensington Palace  -- Bryn ApHugh, nee "King Arthur".
Ekkert ykkar fjandans mál.  -- Éowyn
----
Irrational Inquisitor -- Crystal City, Glade -- No Beaches --  The Irrational Inquisitor sent Staff Reporter Suzy Simmons to El Nanth to report on the conditions at the Ane home world.  We present another of her reports sent to us by subspace radio!
The Ane have no beaches.  Your reporter has been on Glade now for two weeks, and in spite of many inquiries I cannot find a beach. The local Ane look at me funny.  Mainly I get "There are shores with sand.  You plan to blister your hide off in an hour?"  That's just silly, There is plenty of sunscreen.  Where do they go to swim? That got me another funny look.
Now I have found there are three public pools, inside.  And I'm told four more in the city if I feel like refurbishing them.  The indoor pools are shockingly clothing free.  And still no Ane!   I finally asked one.  Why don't you have places to swim?  Troiban looked at me with that tilted head look and said, "We are not that big on water. If you want to get wet you go to Singing Waters."  All the good that does.  No one will take me there.
Six planets and not a single decent beach.  -- Suzy Simmons reporting from Crystal City, Glade.
 <BR>
==5-17-24==
Variety -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Rocky Film Goes Forward -- Legends Sly Stallion and Harry Wrinkles have come to a startling agreement, and "Rocky VII; Legacy" is going into production as we write for release Christmas 2024.  The Wrinkles Studio would not confirm that the stunning Mikki Allion would have anything to do with it.
----
Daily Fail -- London, England -- A Sex Union! -- Following the United States, Sex Workers in London have announced the formation of the Great Britain Sex Workers Trade Union.   Anyone male, female, or other that makes a living with sex is eligible.
On a related note it has been noted that the once vocal tras community has been drying up. We sought out vocal advocate Jeri Carmen. A tras woman. We spoke with her in her kitchen as she bounced her toddler on her knee. "Ducky, it's not that hard to find a witch that will make you truly what you see yourself as. I'm not tras anymore, I'm fully female, as Fanny here will show." Her smile lit the whole room. Shut our mouth. Who saw that coming? -- ED
----
New York Pest -- New York, NY -- Second Guard Dead! -- A second Guard at the infamous New York Rikers Island was found dead in the area of the isolation cells. Guard Nicky Korupt was found strangled with a look of horror on his face. This was the same as Guard Ima Kroked who was found in the same area of the jail. Incidentally the same area that alleged sex offender Jeff Etpenis allegedly hung himself.
Jail Officials are allegedly investigating the matter and allegedly refused comment at this time.
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Cleveland Reporter -- Cleveland, Oh --  The Midnight Jam? - Night guards at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame have reported guitar music coming from the display cases. Specifically the ones that hold the guitars of Jerry Garcia and Jimmy Hendricks.   Guards report that the strings are moving when they check the cases.
The Hall of Fame is having a hard time finding guards, that don't play guitar.  Bob Forster, a newly hired night guard reported: "Yea, I took my axe to work.  They play with you man.  This beyond wild." This was not exactly what the Hall of Fame wanted to hear.
Bureau 13 has been called.
 <BR>
==5-23-24==
FNN -- Olympic City, Mars -- More Archology on Mars -- Orbital survey indicated a second alien city on Mars and archeologists have now ground proofed the findings.  There is an alien city there.  For now the location is being kept secret due to the fallout from the first alien artifact found.  The "Iconian Bowl" seriously damaged one man and even with Ane therapy he never fully recovered.  No one is touching anything.
The total count is two alien cities.  Based on the few artifacts found archeologists are estimated a date of 220,000 BCE.  No alien remains have been located.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Cuzco, Peru -- Lake Superior Trade Pack Found -- Archeologists mapping the old Inca roads found a collection of copper ingots and agate stones off one road in the jungle.  They were associated with fragmentary Human remains, possibly the courier that was carrying them.
The hand sized copper ingots tested to be Lake Superior copper.  The agate likewise is from the Lake Superior area.  The Human remains test local, and dated from to 1490 to 1510.
Archeologists speculated a lone courier as was the habit of the royal relay bearing the trade pack to Cuzco when for reasons unknown he went disastrously off the trail, and was never found.
----
BBC -- Mumbai, India -- Possible Ancient Boat -- Archeologists have located what is believed to be a boat in the ancient channel of the fossil Sarasvati River.  Sensors have indicated the "boat" that if verified would predate the Indus Valley Civilization lasting from 3300 BCE to 1300 BCE.  The boat would date from the time of the end of the ice age.
The object, a sensor shadow at least shaped like a boat is some 10 meters under the current surface.  Archeologists are currently debating how to proceed.
----
MessyNBC -- Boston, Ma -- Second Mayflower Found? -- The Woods Hole Observatory has been mapping the Atlantic bottom with a small fleet of autonomous side scan sonar drones.  The most recent dataset has found a ship that fits the description of a 17th century English Galleon, in the right place to be the Second Mayflower.
Yes there was a second.  She attempted repeated voyages 1629, 1630, 1633, 1634, 1639.  She tried again  in 1641, and never arrived.
Woods Hole commented that the ship is the right type and in the right place.  A camera ROV will have to sent to the wreck to verify the identity if that is possible.
Yes, they are also finding a great many wrecks from WWII. Identifying them all is a work of many years.
 <BR>
==5-29-24==
TruthMaxTV -- Washington DC -- Startling Upset! -- Lindy Simmions has...erp...pulled ahead...gack...of perennial Pastor in Chief Ted Crude!  The nation reels in chock!  This cannot be!  A woman beating an Elder Statesman for the Team Red Nomination?  Hopefully they will fix this before it is too late.
A shockingly dark haired Bernie Grinders continues to rally his hopeless cause of replacing the worst president we have ever had with himself.  Team Blue lulled by endless effortless success brought by having trees vote figures it's a done deal.  Far from it.
Team Scarlet is barely worth mentioning.  John McCane, yadda, yadda.
----
Christianity Monthly -- Dallas, Tx -- Jesus "Too Liberal" --  Evangelical Christianity is moving too far to the right, to the point that even Jesus’s teachings are considered “weak” now.  Increasingly evangelicals are saying the Sermon on the Mount has no place in the Church or the hearts of Evangelicals, if they have one left.
Russell Les resigned from the Southern Baptist Association in 2021, after years of being at odds with other evangelical leaders. Specifically, Les openly criticized Ted Crude, whom many evangelical Christians embraced. Les also criticized the Southern Baptist Association's response to a sexual abuse crisis and increasing tolerance for Cretin Nationalism in the community.
Now he thinks his religion is in crisis. 
----
Grudge Report -- New York, NY -- The Ratified Air -- With stock markets so High they can barely breathe the correction will come hard and fast.  As usual falling on the middle class for which Team Blue claims to care about.  Economic experts have been looking for the signs that Luthor has been using his wealth to hold up the economy only to let it drop, and take the profit, once he is no longer in the White House.  Looking at his pre-presidential actions it would be in character for him to do so.
Recent Team Blue changes in real estate law have made it near impossible for hedge funds to invest in real estate and will doubtless cause a crash in that market as well.
Real estate is also seeing a disturbing move toward the giant "archologies", two of which are in operation and one under construction.  They kill rents in any city they have been seen in.
----
Faux News -- Pittsburgh, Pa -- Forced Redistricting Goes Forward -- With no relief from the court-ordered redistricting we can expect rampant voter fraud in Pennsylvania in November.  The will of the people has been overturned by the Team Blue courts.  They have assured that no matter what the people of Pennsylvania want, there well be Team Blue politicians representing Team Blue, but not them, in November.
 <BR>
==6-1-24==
Al Jazup -- Singapore -- Archology One Decks Out -- With seemingly half the country working on the Archology it has reached the point of the prime deck being finished.  Public transit is in place, if not yet in the loop.  The port area is finished.
The factories for the construction of the apartment blocks are in place.  Floaters have been acquired to lift them into place.
The Archology One is a functional duplicate of the Alameda Archology in California, USA.  Once Singapore knows how to build one others will follow.
----
AhBiCee -- Sacramento, Ca -- Well So Much for That -- The Women's Christian Temperance Movement's attempt to get a constitutional amendment to prohibit sex for hire failed by the deadline in a most spectacular fashion.  Of the 368,000 signatures required they got 20,137, and 5254 of those were not certified.  Their measure is effectively dead.  The people have spoken, they like legal prostitution just fine thank you.
Various state Law Enforcement agencies have noted that reports of violence against women have decreased by 15% since the enactment of legal sex, they have an entire pointless class of crime to not worry about.  It is also noted that legal sex is bringing in 2.2 million to the state economy that was not there before.  No windfall, but a positive balance.
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MessyNBC -- Camden, NJ -- Crispy Creamed -- Prisoner in Chief Chris Crispy, enjoying the hospitality of Fort Dix for malfeasance in office and other deviance, has stated to the parole board that due to the rigors of age (he is 62) he should be granted parole, and he is being held to a higher standard.  The board was brutal.  He has no health issues.  And yes, he is held to a higher standard, he was the Governor of New Jersey, elected officials are expected to hew to a higher standard.  He failed, himself, the people, and his office.
He was sent back to is room to contemplate what he had done.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- Feeling the Blue -- Under Secretary of State Irving Turmerik turned blue during a meeting with President Luthor at the State Department offices...AWKWARD!!!
He is currently enjoying the hospitality of the FBI who is questioning him as to what exactly did he do and is it worth prosecuting him over.  Oh yes, Luthor fired him on the spot.  Cold SOB did not miss a beat.  Went from the Russian situation to firing his blue ass.
 
==6-8-24==
TruthMax -- Dallas, Tx -- Coopland Returns to Church -- Kenny Coopland returned to the Lakeside Church Sunday, abet in a wheelchair, and he was not doing the preaching.  While two of his fellow pastors have shown "the Gift" they are not powerful enough to heal his amputations.  He continues to seek a fellow cleric to heal him.
Rev. Coopland refuses comment saying only he will not make prophesies while unfit to approach the altar.  He wishes Ted Crude well.  He is sticking with past statements that Ted Crude must win 2024 to stop the moral degradation of 'Murica.
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MessyNBC -- Burbank, CA -- How Many Citizenships? -- A lively debate has spilled out of the All and into the halls of the University of California Burbank.  Among the Ane the idea of local citizenship is highly questioned.  All Ane are part of the All which is now part of the Kenyan government.  You also have a number of Ane born in the United States with dual+ citizenship.  Can, and if so should, Ane become naturalized citizens in places like the United States?
The idea of voting Ane scares the piss out of Team Reders.  They will universally say no without the courts weighing in.  The Ane are quite willing to put it to a test of the courts.  Headache pills for everyone.
Usaban has indicated with the liberal age of majority rules adopted by California, he will be voting.
----
FNN -- McMullen. Al -- There be Somethin' Going Down -- There was a massive explosion at the Fosterite Ranch out side of McMullen  (McMullen is located in southern Pickens County in west-central Alabama. Encompassing a total area of only 0.1 square miles, McMullen is the smallest incorporated town in the state with just 10 residents.) on Friday.  Corry Cox did call 911, but the pod people residents stated there was nothing to worry about.  Blasting stumps they said.  A drone investigation indicated they were blasting out giant sequoias, or something else was happening.  The indicated hole was huge.
State Police are taking an interest.  It seems they have permits for the blasting.  Also of note they seem to have bought a cement mixer.  It went in last month and never left.
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Faux News -- Rocky Top, Tn -- Ork Attack! -- Three unknown Orks attacked the Reverend Michael Binson during an outdoor prayer meeting of the Totally Right and True Baptist Church of Rocky Top, an Evangelical stronghold.
According to members of the Church, the Orks rushed the minister while they were praying.  He was beaten with clubs and the Orks ran off before anyone really had an idea what was going on.  Rev. Binson is in the LaFollette Medical Center in critical condition.  The Family requests Tots and pears.
Police are seeking any information on the three Orks.  They are not known to be local.  There were no cameras on the outside prayer meeting.
 <BR>
==6-14-24==
NewsEye -- Washington, DC -- The Crude Position -- Ted Crude and party are already maneuvering for failure.  His campaign chairman has stated that they can only lose if there is voter fraud.  Some nice well poisoning there, for his own party as well as Team Blue.  Crude is currently ten points behind Lindy Simmions in poling and delegates.  Team Red has no clear leader as of this writing.
Jon McCane has the Team Scarlet nomination wrapped up.  All that remains are the formalities and details.  McCane has indicated that he will ask Rose Dimitrivich,  Montana Junior Senator to be his running mate.
Bernie Grinders, and Brak Oblama are also neck and neck as we approach the Conventions. We expect some back room wheeling and dealing.  President Luthor has indicated he will not attend the convention.  He is actively planing his graceful exit from politics, and hopes most of it will wash off.
Popcorn of course.  Stock up early.
----
We need freedom of speech to tell who the idiots are. 
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MessyNBC -- Austin, Tx -- Texas Education Sued -- Attorney General Curt Chandra has filed suit against the Texas State Broad of Education for violation of the First Amendment, to wit the Establishment of Religion in schools with the teaching of religious text as fact and ignoring established science.  The matter of their "White washing" history is also at issue. Said Attorney General Chandra:  "This has gone on too long.  Texas is raising a generation of ignorant people that know nothing but their pseudo established Christian texts.  We need a fully involved and informed electorate.
The Texas State Board of Education had no comment on the on-going suit.
In further news the Federal Standards for home school have been updated with the latest biological and physical science.  Under Federal regulations home schooling parents are required to bring their children in for testing four times a year.  Two failures will remove the parent's right to home school.
President Luthor has been very aggressive over the last eight years on matters of rigorous education.
----
Warning, drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
----
TruthMax -- Jerusalem, Israel -- Proof of JEBUS!! -- Archeologists working in the west Galilee area have located the ruins of a village on what use to be the banks of the Sea of Galilee.  The village is clearly of the first century BC and mixed farming and fishing.  A place a carpenter could easily make a living.  Among the ruins of the various houses was one heavily marked with early Christian iconography.  "It is too small to have been a Church" stated Archeologist Robert Leeps of Liberty University.  "It was deeply important to early Christians, we can only conclude it was the house that Jebus grew up in.
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Before we do further work on artificial intelligence, can we do something about natural stupidity?
----
AhBeeCee -- Boston, Ma -- Accused Witch -- Mr Morty Hawthorn of Georgetown has accused Ms Flora Sweetwater of being a witch before the Boston Broad of Aldermen.  Her reply was: "No shit Sherlock, I advertise as such."  The aldermen were not amused and he was told to make a point or get lost.  He proceeded to belabor the matter and the Sergent at Arms escorted him out.
Mr Hawthorn continued his agitation outside city all and assaulted Ms Sweetwater as she left.  He was toad on the spot.  Not the humanoid type either.  She caught him, and handed him to the police stating it would last 48 hours.
Mr Hawthorn is cooling his froglegs in a pet carrier in a holding cell.
 <BR>
==6-19-24==
FNN -- Dallas, Tx -- The Crafter Way -- Your reporter spoke with Gayom Mae-Belle Allion as to the mission of the Crafters in Texas.
FNN: Why are you in Texas of all places, you get the most push back here?<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: We go where we are needed. The most Evangelical areas have the most people with the greatest need. You would think the opposite would be true, it is not. The highest poverty, the highest teen pregnancy and so forth.<BR>
FNN: Are you making a difference?<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: We are trying. The need is greater than our numbers. We aid as we can. Not everyone is against us. Enlightened Churches step up when they see someone trying.<BR>
FNN: Everyone wants to know. Was Rev Coopland's disability deliberate?<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: "The hall has magical defenses against such actions. Rev Coopland had the option of not attacking us and he would be fine. His condition was caused by himself.<BR>
FNN: How are your schools working out?"<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: Wonderfully. We do not have enough seats and we have five times the Home Schoolers as we have on campus students. With the public school being undercut at every turn we have many parents, even dedicated Christians turning to us. The change in the legislature is welcome.<BR>
FNN: Do you know who caused the Great Babby Rally?<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: No we don't. Anthony was as surprised as everyone else.<BR> 
FNN: Yet you took action.<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: Of course we did. Protecting children is our purpose. Team Red does hot give a flying fuck about post natal children.<BR>
FNN: So you are political?<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: The Johnston amendment is dead. We pay our taxes, and did before Texas killed religious tax exemption, so we have an opinion.<BR>
FNN: I notice you are not Indian, but American. Why the Crafters?<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: I was tossed out of my Good Christian Home for the sin of getting pregnant. Near inevitable considering my lack of sex education at the time. The Crafters took me in. I have a home here now.<BR>
FNN: The child? <BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: He is in school right now, likely learning about evolution.<BR>
FNN: What is the future for the Crafters?<BR>
Gayom Mae-Belle Allion: We continue as we have. As long as the Evangelicals behave as they do we will get plenty of recruits. And you do not have to be abused to join us.We are welcoming to all.
We thank Gayom Mae-Belle Allion for her time in this matter.
----
I tried growing my own food, but where do you get bacon seeds?
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TruthMax -- Portland Or -- The Fallout Continues -- The True Gospel Universal Godly Power Independent Baptist Church here in Portland closed today.  The last service was last Sunday. The county will be taking over the building for unpaid taxes.  Taxes that they should not have had to pay.
Like many before them they could not manage the taxes that Oregon's Ghoddless Government demands they pay.  True to predictions to that effect Hundreds of small churches have had to close their doors due to the financial constraints that the state has placed on them. Only the largest Churches can survive.  And guess what?  The Ghoddless complain about mega-Churches too.  The only future they want is no Churches at all.
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I use to crastnate in my spare time, but now I've gone pro.
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Daily Fail -- Corby, UK  -- Is This Still News? -- The Figgindale family turned up for services Sunday thinner and with pointed ears, the whole family of five.  They have always been blondes, now more so, except Glenda. the family ginger.  
There were stares.  Some rather intense and according to Mr Figgindale, hostile.  He will be discussing with the Canon their future participation if such people are welcome.
There is speculation that this is connected with rumors of a Unicorn in the Royal park not far from town.
----
Oh look, it's the bridge I said I would cross when I got to it.
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MessyNBC -- New York, NY -- Just to Keep You Aware -- In the last week we have had:  Rev Carly Dormund, Third Baptist Church Portland, Or  - Caught with a man, preaches anti-gay.  Rev Paul Willard Second Street United Methodist, Little Rock Ak - caught skimming the till.  Rev John Jones, First Baptist, Concord, Ma - Abuse of minor girls.  We have twenty more, this week.  It is of note that not one of these men can fill the jar.  Pastors abusing their position or acting against their own words has become so common that most outlets will not even bother to publish it.
We need to keep people aware that this is happening and happening frequently.  It cannot be allowed to become the banality of evil.  It is also of note that none of this happens in churches where the Enlightened are present, even if not in the pulpit.
----
Your password must contain:  At least 8 characters, upper and lower case,a special character, a hakiu, a hieroglyph, a hawk feather, and a drop of unicorn blood.
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AP Wire -- Sault Ste. Marie, Mi -- Be Careful How You Park -- The parking lot for the Soo Locks tour boat has been getting neater.  Why?  Badly parked cars are being straightened out.  Those straddling two or more spaces are ending up in strange places, like the middle of medians, or across berms. Tuesday they were all stacked on their sides.
No one is seeing this happen.  The only people complaining are the bad, or incourteous parkers.
 <BR>
==6-26-24==
Faux News -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Greatest Concert of All TIME! -- Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson have announced a joint tour beginning in August. They are playing 30 cities across the United States, one night stands. 
In further news of note Ticketmaster has been uninvited from the party. Their reputation for scalpers buying whole blocks of seats and being sold out within seconds of opening sales has been noted. Sales will be by local box office only.
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FLASH: In spite of the high cost of living, it remains popular.
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FNN -- Vista City, Ca -- Forsterites Move In -- Members of the Fosterite Cult have bought 100 hectares south of Vista City, California. The Fosterite Cult is a Christian-related cult led by the Rev. Joshua Foster, with some strange ideas about the nature of sin and how they relate to the people around them. They have been noted for violence against critics and for building strongholds. No Fosterite has ever agreed to take the jar test.
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I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.
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Huff & Puff News -- Wichita, Ka -- Maybe Fat Cure -- Working on the hypothesis that obesity might be a pathology Dr. Patricia Hopen has developed a drug that has worked well in animal trials. The initial Human trial produced remarkable results in one third of the subjects tested. Nothing for the other two thirds.
Dr, Hopen does not call this a defeat stating that yes, some people eat too much. Not every case of obesity has the same cause. She said that more work is required. There will not be a "fat pill" on the market soon.
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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it may be time to stop and reflect.
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MessyNBC -- Hoboken, Nj -- Jersey Boys Strike Again -- The gang known as the Jersey Boys has struck again. They raided a local Whole Paycheck Market making off with an unknown amount of goods. It is estimated that between 30 and 40 persons stormed the store and took what they wanted, assaulting customers and staff while they were at it.
The store on Fremont St is closed while they tally the damages.
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Why do we call them olives, and not Greece's pieces?
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TruthMax -- Little Rock Ak -- Governor Assaulted -- Governor Shara Huckelbee (TR) was assaulted today by a gang of small "people" with very pointed ears and "Bernie for President" T shirts. Her clothing was ripped mostly off and she was lightly injured while her guard detail attempted to beat them off. They caught one that promptly evaporated.
Arkansas State Police Chief Bubba Roberts stated:" "We are looking for them. I think we are dealing with fey creatures that someone paid off to do the deed. If that is the case the damn gates are everywhere thanks to Luthor, and we have no chance of catching them." The Chief took a deep breath. "I keep telling the State Procurement Office we need phasers. All my officers have are firearms, and we could not use them that close to the Governor."
 <BR>
==7-2-24==
FNN -- The Moon -- Starlink Failures -- On request the Corps of Discovery has investigated the increasing failures in Husky Musky's Starlink system.  Stated CoD Communications Director Anthony:  "We scanned the satellites, working and dysfunctional.  We even snagged a couple of them for closer examination.  No one is messing with them, no one is damaging the system.  They are crap, and failing on their own.  Space Y will be changed per the given rates for removing all dead birds."
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My alarm does not have a snooze button, it has paws.
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BBC -- Berlin, Germany -- Democratic Party of Germany Runs Faun! -- The Democratic Party of Germany has put up for Representative of the District of Berlin a Faun one Helga Storringer.  Members political have become Fauns, but no Faun has ever run for a political office.
The Democratic Left party has stated they have no issues with this move, and it should have come sooner.  The Christian League - The Party for Life has stated they do not agree that any non-Human should qualify for any political office.
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Use promo code "netflix" to get 50% off your social life.
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TruthMax -- Jollett, Tn -- Global Slaves Church Retreats --  Rev Billy Bob Brian has stated that Global Slaves Church will not rebuild the tent.  "The LORD spoke to me and said that the tent was a prideful thing, and that we would better prosper in the work of the LORD if we abandoned it.  So shall it be." Stated Rev. Brian.  
Services will continue in the permanent building the Church has had all along.
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Kindness is the word the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
----
MessyNBC -- Monterey Bay Ca -- Humpbacks...Back -- The pod of humpback whales has appeared in Monterey Bay for the fifth time this year since April.  They are out of sync with the usual migration patterns.  The pod of three females and two males have no young with them.  You might think they were looking for something, or more likely someone.  However they stay so briefly than by the time we get a telepath on site they are gone.
----
It goes without saying....
----
AP Wire -- Shanghai -- Triads Take a Beating -- Won Hg Hee was found in the middle of old town, strangled to death and hanging from a rope on a light post, by his gentiles.  He was the third known Triad man to meet this fate in the last month. No one knows nothing.  A Chinese Batman with a more direct sense of justice?  The MO matches, but even Batman left people around to spread the word.  The Shanghai Shadow of Death, leaves nothing.
 <BR>
==7-9-24==
Chicken Noodle News -- Tampa, Fl -- Florida Man Attacks Bus for not Having Wheels -- A Florida man attacked a Tampa Transit bus Monday with a baseball bat.  When approached by police he surrendered peacefully stating the bus was an "Unnatural object and against ghodd."  He urged the police to attack the bus and arrest the driver.  Alcohol might be involved.
Tampa Transit had no additional comment at this time.  The bus will be out of service until repaired.
----
“No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.” ― Gideon J. Tucker 
----
FNN -- Madrid, Spain -- A Possible Tunnel -- The Pillars of Hercules Study group has concluded that with current technology it would be possible to bridge the Straits of Gibraltar.
The floating tunnel is now possible using hull metal cable and current materials for the tubes.  Robots can place the anchors seeing that no lives are endangered in the process.  We can do it for 100 billion dollars US.  A direct connection between Europe and Africa would have huge benefits.
----
"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." --Blaise Pascal 
----
FauxNews -- New York, NY -- More Godless Moves -- Ahead of the Elections the Ghoddless governments of both Michigan and New Jersey have repealed the blanket tax exemption for houses of worship.  These states join many other where you now have to pay to pray.
This only highlights the necessity of voting Red this November. These ghoddless liberal governments are coming for your right to worship as you see fit. You need to be angry about that.
----
If life closes a door, open it.  It's a door, that's what they do.
----
NewsEye -- Little Rock, Ak  -- Red Rodents -- State Senators Billy Bodine Smith, Becky Mae Arbor, and Mike Short had to be dug out of their homes by the Senate Sergeant at Arms on the order of the President Pro-Tem.  They have not shown up for work for two weeks and the excuses given were on the thin side.  
All three were Mice.  Their cute little asses where hauled to the Capital to make account for themselves.  The two wives refused commend but Becky's husband Cory stated he liked her like that. (Impresses me as the creepy uncle you keep away from the kids -Ed)
Ar-kansas (sue me) law does not state that transformation will get you fired, but the reason for this transformation is well known.  On the choking hand if the Redders lose those three seats they lose their majority.
Keep your popcorn handy.
----
BBC -- Liechtenstein -- Curious Finds -- Archaeologist working on the 10th century church St. Mamerten Kapelle ahead of restoration work opened the tomb of a monk or priest.  The coffin had crumbled away and there was book on top of the body.  The book, in a remarkably good state of preservation, is written in the same fashion as the Voynich manuscript.  It is not a copy, but a different book.  It has similar weird illustrations, most seem to do with fauna, not flora.
The find puts to lie the idea that the Voynich manuscript is a forgery. This language or system of writing was used at least twice.  Who or why is not yet known.
 
==7-14-24==
NewsEye -- New York, NY -- Conventional News -- Ahead of the Team Red convention Lindy Simmions is well ahead of Ted Crude in delegates. The Crude campaign is really pissy about it too, claiming all kinds of evidence-less fraud as true neo-reds do. There is still no running mate chosen by anyone.
Team Scarlet is waiting it's turn next week with Jon McCane firmly in the driver's seat. Rose Dimitrivich is lined up as running mate and has agreed.
And two weeks after the Reds Team Blue holds its circus complete with clowns. Bernie Grinders, and Brak Oblama are still neck and neck and neither has the delegates to get a first ballot win. This is looking like an all out floor fight.
Yea, get your popcorn ahead of the three week rush.
----
I'd rather be excluded for who I included, than included for who I excluded.
----
Grudge Report -- Washington DC -- Rejected? -- Siemens Mobility's announcement of hull metal wheels for rolling stock was rejected by US railroad operators as "too good". They do not want wheels harder than the rails they run on. The cost to upgrade all track to handle such wheels is prohibitive. It is a case that good enough is good enough. Track lasts for decades. Wheels similarly. The move to AG trains is more practical and you can mix AG and standard rolling stock in one train. While the cars need power, the fusion plant in the locomotive can power 100 units. Better fully AG trains can stop in a tenth the distance of wheeled stock. And they do not wear track at all.
CSX has run an experimental all AG 30 car train at 640 kilometers per hour, and it rigidly adhered to the rails.
----
The Rotation of Earth really makes my Day.
----
MessyNBC -- Washington DC -- Noble Obligation for All? -- President Luthor has floated a Constitutional Amendment called the Rationality in Federal Government Amendment. The amendment would:
*Require all Candidates for Elected office to pass a battery of physical and mental examinations.
*Require all candidates for elected or appointed office to pass a standard test on how the government works, and knowledge of the Constitution.
*All elected officials at the Federal level to take the Oath of Noble Obligation.
Luthor stated: "I want every Federal official to know the Constitution, prove it, and have no excuse when they turn blue."
The howl from the rest of the Federal Government could be heard on the Moon.
----
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
----
FNN -- Portland, Me -- Not so Reasonable -- The Reason Ranch, the holdout of the Strong Skeptic community, is in the news again for things they do not believe can happen. Six members of the commune were cast out for the "sin" of turning into Hobgoblins. An event we are told will increase in frequency as they are on the conjunction of ley lines.
We think this is evidence of the Reason Ranch becoming a strong hold of Human Supremacists, not Strong Skeptics. The Strong Skeptics have nothing in their statement of belief that requires you be Human. I suppose we should be glad they were cast out, not quietly murdered.
The reported Hobgoblins did not wish to make a statement as the are still coming to terms with the alterations. None had shape insurance.
----
IN CASE OF FIRE: Leave the building before posting it on social media.
----
BBC - Amsterdam, Netherlands -- Sea Levels -- the Netherlands Environmental Assessment Agency has reported a one centimeter drop in consistent sea level in the last five years. This along with the one degree drop in global temperature indicate that the switch to fusion electric power is indeed impacting the global climate in the right direction.
The Green Left issued a statement that anything that improves Human quality of life is still using fire and bad. You need to feel bad for living well and having children you hideous ape you.
Zeenderban of the Ane Confederation, working in the Hague replied. "What about us not apes?"
 <BR>
==7-19-24==
Faux News -- Milwaukee, Ws -- Red Results -- Lindy Simmions has taken the presidential nomination for Team Red. Her running mate, chosen after a difficult floor fight is Tomas (Tommy) Vermain of South Carolina, a raging Cretin Nationalist. We like that about him.  The Convention is firming down the planks of the platform firmly against poors, gays and aliens.  So make sure y'all vote Team Red in November 'cause 'Murica needs to be great again.
Ted Crude claims all kinds of fraud and back room deals to get him out of his rightful place, and he left the convention on Tuesday.
----
ABeeCee News: Lousiville -- Louisville, Ky -- Coopland to Get Cloned Leg & Arm-- Rev Kennny Coopland, horribly injured this summer in a failed attempt at divine retribution has announced that unable to find a "proper man of Ghood" to heal him he has reluctantly agreed to accept the gift of science that he constantly rails against.  Doctors at the Louisville Medical center are arranging to clone him a new arm and leg to replace those lost in the lightening strike.  This is a not uncommon treatment for amputation these days.
Rev Coopland did not have additional comment, something he is usually brimming over with.
----
NewsEye -- Austin, Tx -- More Red Rodents -- Nat Moron (TR 1st) One of the survivors of the Great Babbie Rally, and who lost the child to the House of Crafters was was  moused on the floor of the House.  A House Mouse.  He gathered his suddenly oversized suit around him, leaving the shattered remains of his dignity and any credibility he had left on the House floor and fled.
We do not know what the object was, but we know what causes that. He was speaking when it happened and it might still be on his person.  He will doubtless be getting a no fucks given visit from Bureau 13 over the matter.
----
Al Jazup -- Cairo, Egypt -- Saint Who? -- Due to some very strong circumstantial evidence the Egyptian Department of Antiquities has been pressing the Holy See to scientifically test the remains in the tomb of St Mark in Venice. Mark might be going by another name, Alexander.
Pope Francis is willing as his dedication is to the Truth, no matter how painful.  The City Fathers of Venice would rather sink the city. (They are getting their wish)  The matter is further complicated by the fact that crypts of St Mark's have been flooded countless times since  the assumed "St Mark" was so interned.  If the coffin is not water tight, there could be nothing left.
The matter remains under discussion.  St Mark the Evangelist?  Or Alexander the Great?
 <BR>
==7-25-24==
NewsEye - Flagstaff, Az - Scarlet Moves - As expected Team Scarlet has nominated Jon McCane as their presidential candidate with Denise McAllastier as his running mate. The platform is firming up with the usual paleo-conservative planks with nary a shred of concern for traditional religion, or religion of any kind save to affirm the First Amendment, in stark contrast to Team Red.
Next are the Team Blue players.  Let's see what they have.
Keep popcorn handy.
---- 
World Weakly News -- Springfield, Ga -- Less Monumental -- The town's beloved Confederate memorial monument was found this morning off his pedestal, sitting on the ground with his head in his hands.  As stone is not in the habit of changing poses.  Eeevil magic was assumed.
The trouble being that no one in town knows of anyone that kin remotely do that, and there weren't no strangers about.  The local black people was off to some civil rights nonsense, so it could not be them.
So they have a mystery on their hands and a not very monumental statue.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- New York, NY -- Vermain Attacked! -- Coming out of a Team Red fund raiser Vice Presidential shoe in,Tommy Vermain screamed and went down.  The Secret Service was all over him at once and he was transported to the nearest hospital.
Reports are that he looked like a huge iron hand had punched in his face.  No one was near him and no attacker was seen.  Worse, with the kind of rhetoric that Team Red has been throwing around they cannot find anyone that will shield them from magical attack.  As of this report the Secret Service is not talking.  
Lindy Simmions blamed the attack on Leftist Antifa Radical Magic Gaylians.  She called for an investigation showing the results she suspected at once.
UPDATE: Investigation with the heaviest magic that the FBI can swing has run into a hard block. Not they don't know, they cannot know. Someone...primal... and very powerful is behind this.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Viccarian Officers -- The Corps of Discovery is pleased to announce three Viccarian Imperial Space officers have agreed to serve with the Corps of Discovery.  We are seeking closer ties with the Vciccarians.
Work continues on the Horizon Class Crusiers.  The developmental improvement on the Atlantis class.  Construction is starting on the new Skylark class of light frigates as well.  Experience has proven we cannot continue to depend on warships from the Ane Confederation, but need to build more patrol vessels larger and more capable than the light Falcon class.  The Skylark class will take design cues from the Ane stingray class represented by the ADF Besbok.
----
Grudge Report -- Port au Prince, Haiti -- Trouble in Paradise -- Golman Osgui has announced that he is managing a formal financial divorce from Husky Musky.  "That man has become unhinged" stated Golman Osgui.  Husky Musky has been ousted in a hostile takeover of the Space Y properties.  It seems there are people with more money than him.  Tesla, Why, and other properties are not sought by. Golman Osgui.  It is suggested that Golman Osgui might be backed by the Royal House of Haiti.
 <BR>
==8-1-24==
Al Jazup --  Islamabad, Pakistan -- Afghan Raiders -- The Pakistai Army reports they have stopped two more Afghan raiding parties looking to kidnap women.  "The USA made sensors are vital" Stated Col. Abbas Akhtar, stationed along the Hindu Kush.  "No one gets past them.  We see them coming only one way, in.  They do not get out."  Some of the captured raiders have begged to remain in Pakistan as there are no women back home.  "We tell them that they know what causes that before they get a free parachuting lesson out the back of a C-230."  
Tallyban officials are begging women to come back.  They are offering all kinds of worthless things like Afghan money.  Grand Caliph Abas Hatalot, (Who has held the office two months.  The Ane HAVE left.) issued a Fatwa declaring that women must return or go straight to Hell.  He has not offered any proof in the jar.
----
BBC -- Berlin, Germany -- Far Right Troubles -- The US epidemic of Far Right politicians getting their face smashed in has gone international when Alternative for Germany party chairman Tino Kleinputz had his face caved in by a giant fist in the middle of a rally.  No actual fist was seen.  But Herr Kleinputz had to be rushed to a hospital he will not have to pay for because of the Left.
Alternative for Germany are Nutzis even if they claim they are not Nutzis.  Nutzi paraphernalia and signage are illegal in Germany.  We must but wonder why.
The party has stated that Tino Kleinputz was unable to find a cleric to heal him without some pretty hefty holy oaths to quit politics and rethink his views.  He remains in hospital.  Doctors report he may never see correctly again.
----
Mother Jones -- Dallas,Tx -- Those that Yield to Temptation -- Rev Jeffery Getbitter, his under pastor Rev Nickolas Ivanivich, and their wives Nancy and Jennifer were found of the rodent kind.  It is unclear what object could get four at once. The 150th Baptist Church was not forthcoming on details other than to state they were arranging for guest pastors.
The Christian Churches are claiming they are under heavy persecution and extreme measures are needed.  The repeal of long held privilege, being required to do what everyone else is doing.  When you have long held privilege, equality feels like persecution.  The real stressor is the Enlightenment, that with the real power of God are pulling members away in droves.  The only people firm in the Evangelical church, are the open haters.  And it is showing.
To their grief the Enlightened are not the only temples showing the power of god.  Tulsa hosts the House of Crafters, housed in a failed hotel turned shelter and center of healing.  Heal your boo boo, or amputated arm.  Attacking it has proved to be unwise.
So traditional churches cry out they are being unjustly held to the same standard as every one else.  Sympathy is hard to find.
----
NewsEye -- Chicago, Il -- Blue Convention Looming -- The Blue convention starts Monday and neither front runners, Bernie Grinders or Brak Oblama have the delegates for a first ballot win.  This looks like an old fashion floor fight.  No candidates for vice president have been floated either.  
The platform is not an issue.  It will not likely change in the least.  However it might take three days to decide who is running.
Cursed be they without popcorn.
----
Faux News -- Las Vegas, Nv -- Puzzle Killer Strikes Again. -- Police admit that the puzzle killer has hit again.  Another woman found in the desert cut into a dozen pieces with a puzzle for the Police to solve.
"As of yet we have not be able to get ahead of the guy.  He is taunting us.  That much is clear." Stated Police Chief Ima Bett,  
All victims have been transient, younger Human, females; two white, one black.  A class that Las Vegas has plenty of.  They are all cut into a dozen pieces and left with a word puzzle taunting "catch me if you can".  Police believe they are dealing with Evil magic as well as attempts in that direction have proven fruitless.
 <BR>
==8-3-24==
MessyNBC -- Tulsa, OK -- Dukey Dashed -- Admit it.  Since the cretin nationalist, neo-hutizs started getting punched in the face you have been waiting.  Well Davy Dukey was rushed to the Hospital from his home yesterday, his face crushed like he had been hit by a bowling ball from six stories up.
Since Yeet got his face crushed almost a year ago Dukey has been avoiding public appearances in spite of Team Red endorsing nearly everything he has ever wanted.  Hiding did not work.  What ever the force of justice is, it found him.  Family reports he is on full life support, the EMTs having to do an emergency tracheotomy to allow him to breathe.  Family has asked for tots and pears.  Doctors will try and reconstruct his face.  Clerics flatly refused, unless a raft of holy oaths are made.
----
FNN -- New Orleans, La -- The Godly (?) Truth, of a Sort -- Pastor Samuel Estimpuissant raged in his last sermon calling the "Jar test" the work of the Devil to destroy good Christians' trust in their Ghoddly ministers." My, how to admit you are holy impotent without admitting it.  The Reverend Estimpuissant raged against the actions of Gaylians, Liberals, prostitutes....
The truth came out.  The House of Aphrodite has called the "good Pastor" out for this preaching against the practice of sex for sale.  Something legal in the entire state of Louisiana.  Apparently Rev Estimpuissant thinks the girls are sucking money out of his offering plate.  "Apparently we give better service" stated Cleric of Aphrodite Susanna Dreams.  In the bed and beside it.  We are listed with the National Health Service and life assurance companies.  He is not."
Not to put too fine a point on it but the demonizing of sex seems to be an issue with Abrahamic religions, and not the pagans or the Enlightened, that can fill the Jar.  To the one true ghodd types, buy the clue, join the 21st century.  Oh, and stop trying to control women.
----
TruthMax -- St Louis. Mo -- Triumphant Return -- Our next President Liddy Simmions, and her Ghodd chosen Vice President Tommy Vermain appeared in a triumphant rally at the Gateway Arch on Saturday.  The rally was attended by tens of hundreds of adoring Red fanatics.  Tommy recently attacked by Eeeevil magic was in good spirits and looking well.  Ghodd cares for those that follow him.  Good Redders follow Ghodd as defined by good Redders.
Our next President Liddy Simmions said that "Christians should vote Red and they will never have to vote again.  We will fix that."
----
Faux News -- Laurel, Ms -- Stranger Goings On -- Folks was woken up on Saturday night by flames rising from the home of long time resident Marty Barnes.  On answering the call the fire department found 89 year old Mr Barns hung from the tree in his front yard and the yard was full of human remains.  The County Sheriff was also summoned.
While the Fire department dealt with the fire Marty Barnes was transported to Sacred Heart medical center, it was far too late.
The Sheriff stated that based on the number of skulls there were three dozen sets of Human remains in the yard.  All were fully skeletonized.  All showed signs of burial.
No one reported any disturbance until the fire.
FNN:  Comment:  Because Faux News made a point not to say anything further of the Marty Burnes matter I will.  They did not mention the pile of Klan material, nutzi flags, robes and printed matter piled at the feet of the lynched man.  I'm willing to bet all of it has conveniently vanished. -- Annon
 <BR>
==8-9-24==
Chicken Noodle News -- Chicago, Il -- Blue Blood on the Ground -- After a raucous three day floor flight Team Blue has its candidates for President and Vice President.  Bernie Grinders was the last candidate standing.  Sunny Gram of California was chosen as the Vice Presidential Candidate.  They have a day left to pick up the pieces and dive into the campaign.
Team Scarlet's Jon McCane stated he is looking forward to a hard fought and decent campaign.  Liddy Simmons of Team Red stated that Grinders is too old, in spite of his clear vigor, and that Sunny Gram walks funny.  If that is the best you can do....  The first debate is scheduled for September 10.
----
TruthMaxTV -- Mobile, Al -- Arson! -- The Fifth Street Baptist Church was suddenly and completely consumed by fire on Thursday night.  By the time the fire department arrived there was nothing but foundation stones left.  Arson is strongly suspected, likely Eeeevil magic as nothing natural burns that quickly.
The Mobile Fire Marshal has the property cordoned off while they come to the obvious conclusion.
----
MessyNBC -- Kearney, Ne -- A What Where? -- Auditors going over the Smith farm after the death of Old Micheal Smith found a submarine in the pole barn.  Not a mini sub, or such. A full sized WWII type VIIc German U-boat all 67 meters of it. 
There are questions.  How did Smith get it across the United States and into his barn?  Only one such boat is known the U-995 near Keil.  There is no way to know how functional the boat is as it's on blocks in a barn, Hundreds of miles from any open water.  Electricity has been rigged into it.
Governor Jim Pille (TS) quipped that they need to induct it in the Nebraska Navy.  The late Micheal Smith was a Nebraska Admiral.  He might have gone a bit far.
----
ABeeCee -- Kingston, Jamaica -- New Resort -- Atlantis Resorts has announced a New resort just outside of Kingston Jamaica.  A pirate theme of course.  There is not enough left of Port Royal, and all of that an Archeological site.  We do as best we can, no?
The new resort of 2000 rooms is set to open for winter of 2026.
 <BR>
==8-17-24==
Chicken Noddle News -- Provo, Ut -- Brigham Young Breakout -- An event at Brigham Young University is still in the clean up stages.  Officials have evacuated the Campus and classes are closed for the foreseeable future.
The event started in the biological lab when students and teachers alike started ripping their clothing off and going all rumpty punpty on each other.  Campus police and even the Provo Police got dragged into the erotic melee.  The issue started to spread beyond the biology labs and into the building in general and out onto the grounds.  Firefighters in full hazmat gear were able to drag people out of the ":event".  Even the local wildlife got into it. 
In an excess of moral caution the entire university has been closed while haqzmat teams scour the area for the cause of the spontaneous and uncontrolled orgy.  University Officials are withholding comment at this time.
----
FNN -- Albuquerque, NM -- Yes Left Turn -- The Albuquerque Police have asked citizens to watch for person or persons unknown that are stealing "No Left Turn" signs in the city, In spite of the prevalence of security cameras no one has caught the thief in the act.  Sign, no sign, that fast.  If they are that fast they should be seeking a job with the Department of Super Heroes, not stealing city signs.
Further investigation indicates the plague of disappearing signs started at the Tast-E Dohnut shop, a notorious location with signage that makes it illegal to leave the parking lot.  Yea, those signs are gone too.
----
Faux News -- Reno, Nv -- Javelina Convention -- Reno has been overrun with javelinas.  One can see a gang of the peccary pigs every place you peruse. Connie Surn of the Reno Department of Parks stated "They are destroying the city.  The numbers are so high they are fighting and ripping up everything in search for food.  We need to get them out of here.
In related news one cannot find a javelina in the deserts around Reno for anything.  You need to feel concern for whatever has driven them into the city.  Most likely Team Blue polices have made living in the desert too difficult.
----
AP Wire -- Oxbow, ND -- Straight and Level -- Twenty fellas came into town with more smug than a county politician. Their stated goal was to prove the Earth flat on ND-46w. The longest straight road in America.
Well their first problem was that straight does not mean flat. Their lasers kept curving off into the air.  Must've been defective. Next they tried the stick thing, but you need locations north-south of each other for that to work.  Everything they tried either proved the Earth round, the geography did not cooperate, or that they did not have a clue as to how to science.
Well at least the Knickerbocker Liquor Locker benefited when they retired to drown their disappointments.  Some people's children -ED
 <BR>
==8-24-24==
Chicken Noodle News -- San Fransisco, Ca -- Musky Promises to Improve the Earth -- Husky Musky has announced a new venture to start an off world colony with himself at the head of it.  The new venture named Y-World has chosen a planet from the CoDs catalog and is putting together a ship and company of hardy competent people to tame same at his enlightened direction.
Going on his track record on Earth, they are so doomed.
---- 
FNN -- The Moon -- Hand in Glove -- The CoD announced that Vulture Five, one of the unmanned craft cleaning up near Earth space has recovered Ed White's glove!  The glove which floated out of the Gemini IV hatch during Ed White's historic space walk had been assumed to have long reentered.  It apparently had not.
Vulture Five has returned the glove to Gagarin Station.  It will be given to the Smithsonian Institution for display.
---- 
TruthMaxTV -- Little Rock, Ak -- Rally for Truth! -- Liddy Simmons the next President of the United States appeared in an open air rally to tens of people.  She roused the crowd with her highly meaningful speech "I love the uneducated, they are are the shinbone of 'Murica." stated Liddy Simmons to exulted cheering.
The Campaign moves to Mobile, Alabama next.
----
New York Times -- New York, NY -- The Cat Strikes Again -- New York's Finest found five wanted men this week, just not the way they wanted to.  One a night in random locations hanging upside down from a light pole.  Each had their fingers broken.
The vigilante dubbed "The Cat" for "Her"(?) quickness and silence has worked in the city since the great Police Mutiny of 7/22.  The most intractable and impossible to nail down criminals are her prey.
Police would really like to find this person.  Most of the afflicted criminals state they think it is a woman.
 <BR>
==9-12-24==
Chicken Noodle News -- Washington DC -- Debate Fallout -- No less "light" than Bill O'Really called out Liddy Simmons for her dismal performance in the debate.  It is generally seen that both Bernie Grinders and Jon McCane did well, neither besting the other.  But poor Liddy was owned all the way.
Simmons is refusing to commit to a second debate, but says she won.
----
World Weakly News -- Podunk, ID -- The Fire Stopper -- Girdy Persimmons demonstrated her new fire scooper at the Craig Mt fire as she waved her device that looks remarkably like a canister vacuum the fire was sucked up.
She had made sizable dent in the fire and stopped.  "My battery is full she stated, and I got only one."  Firefighters inquired at once what model, offering to get her more.  A half hour later she was mopping up more fire.  By the end of the day the Craig Mt fire was over and she had five full krellite cells.
Of course Big Fire doesn't want you to know!
----
MessyNBC -- Albany, NY -- Exorcism Fail -- Three Catholic Priests were driven from the house occupied by a man said to be possessed of a demon.  An hour later the local evangelical preacher was thrown through the door.  The priests laid healing hands on him, saving him a long hospital stay.  
The house is cordoned off and heavier holy help is sought.
----
NewsEye -- Columbia, Tn -- Hardly News -- Main Street Maury reports that A Pastor Jimmy Poke of the First Calvary Correct Baptist Church and former candidate for county mayor has taken his own life, one day after his arrest by the Maury County Sheriff’s Department on a charge of aggravated sexual battery.
Pastor Jimmy Poke is best noted for his attempt to oust the County Librarian for her defense of books he found offensive.  
He cashed out in disgrace, the Librarian and books remain.
 <BR>
==9-16-24==
FNN -- Tulsa, Ok -- Protector University -- The old campus of Oral Robbers University has opened as Protector University.  Something new it seems.  A religiously run school with a firm science based curriculum, and no "statement of faith" required for the faculty. None of the old faculty were retained it seems.  The statement of faith drove out anyone with scientific integrity, or integrity period. 
Protector University is a private university accredited by the Higher Learning Commission, who also accredits A list University both public and private.  They currently have room for 5,500 students and are currently at capacity.  
The administration has retained the walls built by Oral Robbers. "We have had threats" stated Dean Dr. Allison Allion.  "They serve us as protection after all.  The only place we have had threats from are Christians of the unenlightened kind.  I invited them to come to the campus and learn."
---- 
Chicken Noodle News -- Atlanta, Ga -- Do you Believe in Magic? --  Georgia Tech has announced they are adding a magic program to the school curriculum.  There have been protests from some alumni.  The more religious of the  set have threatened to withdraw support from the school.  Anonymous sources have stated they will double what ever support that Georgia Tech looses due to butthurt unenlightened types.  They are going ahead with the magic department.
----
TruthMax News -- Lynchburg, Va -- Building Projects -- Leading education institute Liberty University has opened the new dorm buildings, one for each only real genders.  "The Emergency building program came off without a hitch, Ghodd blessed us." Stated Governor Dr, Corry Jones.  "The terrible closing of Oral Robbers University in a conspiracy of gays and aliens left us with more students than we could handle as they would not attend the godless replacement for the venerable institution".
----
MessyNBC -- Boston, Ma -- Never Burn Batteries -- MIT has tweaked the "safety anode" from Boston Dynamics.  "We now have an anode that will melt below the ignition temperature of the battery itself.  Circuit failure, heat builds up the anodes melt breaking the circuit, heat bleeds off, no fire.  You need to replace your battery pack, a minor matter, but not your whole car.
We are hoping the industry will embrace this and not require a government regulation.
 <BR>
==9-23-24==
FNN -- The Moon -- Russian Questions -- The Russian shuttle that crashed on the Moon Saturday was found to contain thirty members of the Spetsnaz, the Russian elite special forces unit.  All thirty were armed and armored, for...something. All crew including the two flying officers were dead.
The Russian Minister of State Office has said they were training under "unusual circumstances".  The bodies of the thirty soldiers and two flying officers are currently being held at the Tyco Station until the Russians can pick them up.  The Corps of Discovery is investigating the shuttle wreck to determine why it crashed.
----
TruthmaxNews -- Dallas, Tx -- Coopland in Hospital -- Nationally beloved Rev. Kenny Coopland entered the Dallas-Fort Worth Medical center Friday to have his new cloned leg put on.  Doctors state that recovery can last up to half a year as the muscles and nerves relearn their proper use.  "There is no danger of rejection" Stated Chief Surgeon Allen Dickson, "But no two limbs or organs will be exactly the same.  There is a recovery and leaning curve.
Our Tots and pears are with Rev. Coopland in this trying time.
----
BBC -- Jakarta, Indonesia -- Dead Whales -- Three sperm whales have been found littered on the shore of Flores island.  All three are torn to pieces and partly eaten.  All are adults, two cows and a bull.
Authorities are seeking what ever could do that to an adult sperm whale at 16 meters in length.  With the rise in animals out of time the worst a megalodon is feared.  An early cretaceous predator that is estimated to be 20 meters long.
----
MessyNBC -- New Orleans, La -- Feeling the Blues -- New Orleans replacement City Clerk Jessie Landry (TR) didn't last very long.  Two days after replacing Loius LeBlanc (TB) who stepped down due to being dead, she was a blue as a Smurf.  The new Smurfette was, as per city regulations hounded from the office, and arrested for malfeasance in office.  It has yet to be determined exactly what she did.
----
Huff & Puff Post -- Brasília, Brazil -- Hard on Equipment -- State sanctioned loggers have been finding their job hard to do as they come out in the morning to find saws wrecked.  Saw bars twisted like pretzels, vital motor parts missing, Krellite cells with holes in them.  little things like that.  That and the tree line is moving toward them.
President Lutz, who wants to run the country on logging is bleeding money to replace expensive logging gear that never gets to be used. Even armed guards and security cameras cannot save the equipment.
Locals whisper that they have offended the Land itself, and continued efforts will start to cost lives.  As for the locals they have left the loggers, putting miles between themselves and the government sanctioned workers so they cannot be accused of the damage.
 <BR>
==9-28-24==
Grudge Report -- Hoboken, NJ -- Federal Land Bought -- Private interests have taken over the federal land south of Colts Neck, NJ.  No plans have been indicated.  The plot, roughly six and a half kilometers long East to West and three north south was an Army training base.
With rents in New Jersey hitting all time high we are curious to see what will happen.
----
Mother Jones -- Los Angeles, Ca -- Flat Frenzy -- With The Final Experiment but months away the flat earth grifters are  freaking and flying.  They are about to watch their empires of wrong evaporate in the southern sun.  Many are trying to fail-proof their opinions, contradicting themselves on nearly everything. Sadly for them the internet never forgets and they are being bombarded by themselves.
Orbital web-cams are becoming a dime a dozen.  All six of the Thunderbird Stations have them, Gagarin Station, Heinlein Station, Aquarius Station, all have multiple views.  The ADF Improbable is the loftiest beaming down images from 35,786 km over the Western Hemisphere.  The roundness of the Earth is plain to see,  Side images show various Flat Earthers going about their day.  Hard to deny space when she is showing your face.  Lastly are the Moon cams.  One can watch the Earth roll in real time and the cloud patterns change.
The Final Experiment will not end stupid.  But hopefully it will put this brand of grifter out of business.
----
Pravda -- St Petrograd, Ru -- Romanov Class -- Her Majesty is proud to announce the new Romanov class of fusion powered fast frigates for the Russian Navy.  The first two the Tzar Nicolas II and the Prince Alexei are ready for service.
In related news the Russian navy is once again dredging the port of St Petrograd and with international cooperation dredging the channels into the Baltic sea as well due to glacial isostatic adjustment.  The land is still rebounding from the mile high ice sheets of the late glacial period.  As a result the Baltic Sea is becoming shallower.  If channel dredging is not continued it could become a land locked body of water.
----
Christianity Today -- Editorial -- The Rising Tide of Taxation -- As has been predicted many smaller churches in states that have repealed the tax exempt status of churches have closed due to the money crunch.  The burden is falling unduly on Evangelical congregations.
In spite of Evangelical being the fastest growing Christian denomination prior to 2008 that is no longer the case.  What ever you may think of it the only religion that is growing is the Enlightenment, as it is called.  Whether they associate themselves with Christ or not, and many do not, but perform miracles none the less.  These congratulations do not seem to suffer from the persecution of taxes that churches in the United States have never had to pay.
Between the taxes and the Enlightenment we the Evangelical are being crushed.  Those that claim the tribulation is upon us may well have a point.
 
==10-4-24==
Faux News -- New York, NY -- The Cat is Back -- The criminal vigilante called "The Cat" struck again.  Julio Calzone, alleged head of the Altoni crime family was found bound head to foot, inside the courthouse with a binder full of papers. The NYPD detained Mr Calzone "For his own protection" while the Prosecutor goes over the files.  At least his fingers were not broken.
No effort has been put into finding this "Cat".  A woman by the evidence of those she has abused and maimed.
----
NewsEye -- Little Rock, Ak -- Pisant Feeling Blue -- It seems Pisant, Arkansas cannot keep a town council. Also they are gaining a notable population of blue people, mostly grumpy old males.  
Pisant was in the news November 2, 2023 for losing a devastating religious freedom case to the Valley Wiccan Council (Which is doing fine)  The decree demanded the Noble Oath for all city positions. Well it's working.  Some do not last the week.  The most notable was brief Mayor Martin Colber that not an hour after taking the oath turned blue to the point all he needed was the white pants and funny hat.
On the good side Pisant is having the bad power seekers filtered out, even if done the hard way.  This seems to be a stronghold of Cretin Nationalism.  And every one of the suckers is determined to run for office and beat the oath.  What is it they say about doing the same thing again and again expecting different results?
Pisant is not even suffering for having a dysfunction city government.
----
MessyNBC -- Orlando, Fl -- Neo-Nutzi Answer -- Groups of neo-Nutzis and Human supremacists spread antisemitic, Human supremacist and anti-LGBTQ messages outside Dizney World and in the nearby Orlando, Florida, area Saturday in the latest examples of rising antisemitism in the U.S., officials said.
About 15 people wearing clothing and bearing flags emblazoned with Nutzi insignia demonstrated outside the entrance to the Dizney Springs shopping center, said the Orange County Sheriff's Office, which said deputies were dispatched around 10:40 a.m.
According to the Anti-Defamation League, a civil rights organization dedicated to countering extremism, participants carried antisemitic, Human supremacist and anti-LGBTQ flags and signs. The group consisted of members of the neo-Nutzi groups Order of the Very, Very Dark Gray Sun, Aryan Freedum Network and 14 Fist, a now disbanded group that has been absorbed into the National Cretinist Movement, the largest neo-Nutzi group in the U.S., according to the ADL. 
Their answer came at 11:15 AM when Carl Dumcoff leader of the Very, Very Dark Gray Sun was punched in the face crushing same as if the fist was iron, and there was blood, his.  The small rally broke up faster than cockroaches when you turn the light on.  Mr. Dumcoff was transported to the hospital.  The rest transported themselves out of there.
----
FNN -- The Moon -- Asteroid Relocated -- The Corps of Discovery & Solar Patrol, with the aid of the ADF Gunga Din moved asteroid 2001 WN5 into a stable orbit away from Earth. This kilometer wide rock would have come closer than the Moon in 2028 and we don't need the drama.  It was listed as a possible impactor in the future.  
Asteroid 99942 Apophis is being set up for movement early next year scheduled for a very close past in 2029.  While smaller than 2001 WN5 it is dangerous.
 
==10-10-24==
FNN -- Washington DC -- Cockroaches? -- It seems that the number of far right political beasts that are willing to come out in public is drying up.  Liddy Simmions is having a hard time getting backing at her rallies.
Incidentally and we are sure not related, Nutzis are getting their faces punched in at even higher rates.  Most at very public rallies.
Jon McCane is pulling more support from formerly firm Team Red players.  
----
BBC -- Budapest, Hu -- Strange Fires -- There have been two more fires in office buildings, one in Bucharest, Romania, and the second in Volgograd, Russia.  Both buildings were being used as data centers when they detonated.  Fire departments reported no remains of explosives or accelerants.  Several computers in the racks acted like they were made of C4.  The fire fed off resulting shorts and the contained plastics.
Survivors reported no indications, racks just started detonating. There was little to do but get out.
----
High Times -- Colorado Springs, Co -- Weed-o-Mat -- Roger Smith finally did the obvious, and set up a fabricator to make ready to use weed.  No grow lights, no processing, just weed of a consistent quality as long as you run the thing.  His Head Shop Caterpillar Dreams has a line all day.  The price is good the quality guaranteed and he has lots.
Flipped-Norris has taken note.
----
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- The Final Stretch --  With the Campaign season coming down the stretch the various POTUS candidates are making their final efforts. 
Team Blue and Bernie Grinders are hitting near daily live rallies preaching the Blue message of success.  The Blue coattails are huge and they are expecting to make further inroads into the Red South.
Team Red is off the rails.  Lindy Simmons has been outed as a Cretin Nationalist, and is having a hard time getting backers for her rallies.  Her VPOTUS Candidate Tomas (Tommy) Vermain had his face crushed.  They flounder on regardless.  The faithful people show up in their tens.
Team Scarlet and Jon McCane have caught fire.  The rallies are well attended he is strong and on point.  Most pundits think the rally is late and will not be enough to pull ahead of the massive Team Blue lead.
November is not that far away.  Get your popcorn now.
 <BR>
==10-20-24==
FNN -- Washington DC -- Now We Know -- Investigation by Bureau 13 (You know the investigation no one would do for...reasons) has proven the cause of fascists being punched in the face.  It's like the Mouse curse.  An undirected self continuing primal force that punches the "reigning" fascist in the face like the fist of Ghodd.
This week's nominee was Congresscritter Mick Jameson (TR) 4th district Louisiana.  Good thing he has liberal supplied health care.
FNN reporter Karl Kolchak stated "We had this fascist discussion, it was called WWII and they lost.  No fucks given.  Don't want punched?  Don't be a fascist."
----
MessyNBC -- Bangor, Me -- Simmons Rally -- Liddy Simmons spoke before a crowd of hundreds in the Bangor Home Despot parking lot.  The message was her usual firm and coherent word salad.  People cheered when it seemed appropriate.   
The Campaign did state that they now have magical protection.
The Simmons show packed up quickly to avoid any criticism or bills they might incur.
---- 
Grudge Report -- New York, NY -- Economist Losses -- Not the economy, the economists themselves.  Leading economist Dr. Wilbur Rybrian has hung up his prognosticator.  "You can't" stated Dr. Rybrian, "The economy is profoundly broken in the 'up' position.  My colleagues gloomily speak of a singularity changing everything and we MISSED IT.  It came and went and all the indicators are broken.  Throw 'The Wealth of Nations' in the fire. The very ideas of 'work', 'profit', and 'wealth' are in flux and we have no idea where they will come down.  The Galan Database has and still continues to change everything."
And he is the sixth this year.  "Stunned is all we can be." -Ed
----
Al Jazup -- Bagdad, Iraq -- Missing Priestess? -- Antiquities Officials are claiming that foreign archeologists illegally removed the remains of an Babylonian Empire era priestess dating from around the time of Nebuchadnezzar II.  Antiquities director Mohamed Abdullah stated:  "There is evidence that something large and important was removed from the Royal Necropolis about 100 years ago ,and never cataloged.  We believe an important female.  We tend to blame the British, but who doesn't?"
The investigation continues.
Comment: Yes, I asked him to take me. -- Basha of Julian
 <BR>
==10-28-24==
TruthMax -- Detroit, Mi -- Team Red Rally! -- Our next President Liddy Simmons appeared to a huge crowd in Detroit.  Polls indicate she is miles ahead of the competition.  She is now traveling by bus to better meet and greet the people of the nation she will once again make great.
----
NewsEye -- New York,. NY -- The State of Affairs -- Late campaign moves are showing how the candidates stand.  The Simmons rally in Detroit drew...no one.  That kind of thing happens when you dis a city publicly.  She had to get a bus in Cleveland, her plane was put under lien for unpaid bills at the airport.
Bernie Grinder is continuing a grueling schedule of appearances. His last rally in Huston Texas, a place few Team Blue candidates will show their face, and he got a good and enthusiastic turnout.  Polls are indicating Texas might go blue.
Jon McCane is likewise going full bore into the last week of the campaign.  His rallies are upbeat and on point.  Most pundits do not think it will be enough.
Both McCane and Grinders have admitted to using magic to out wit the grim reaper.  
Keep your popcorn stocks on hand.  It will be a hell of a race.
----
FNN -- San Francisco, Ca -- Husky Musky Arrested -- Special agents of the FBI have arrested Husky Musky Saturday for espionage.  He is being held without bond, as the judge stated "no reasonable bond amount would be meaningful to him."
Musky's lawyers have refused comment at this time.  Golman Osgui his late business partner stated:  "I thought something was hinky.  I will cooperate with the FBI investigation to a reasonable point as I am not in United States jurisdiction."
----
Portland Press Herald -- Portland, Me -- Rising Concerns -- The rising mound in the Ecomaine Landfill and Ashfill Facility is, well concerning.  The mound is slightly off center in the facility is now 4 meters high and still growing.  Folks do not know who to call, but we doubt it's the Ghostbusters.  But this is Maine.
The mound is in the south corner of the fill, in the closed section and the fill top has cracked.  Does the EPA have super heroes?
 <BR>
==11-12-24==
NewsEye -- Washington DC --  We Have an Issue -- After a week of checking and rechecking the numbers are in. Liddy Simmons, 44. Jon McCane 241, Bernie Grinders 253.  We do not have a clean winner.  By the Constitution the matter goes to the House of Representatives.
This has not happened since 1824 when  Andrew Jackson won a plurality of both the popular and electoral vote. But John Quincy Adams became president.
Grab your popcorn, we shall see.
----
TruthMax -- Washington DC -- Holy F-word!! -- Team Scarlet out voted Team Red!  It was not even close.  The votes came down leaving scurrilous socialist Bernie Grinders, and hopefully staunch conservative Jon McCane neck and neck.
It falls to the House to break the Liberal strangle hold on the Presidency.
----
FNN -- Nairobi, Kenya -- A Change of Heart -- Former Kenyan strongman Fahari has stepped down, placing an Ane as interim president until new elections can be called.
New President Benderban stated "Scorch my hide.  I have not a clue. Let's get those elections run forth with.  I knew there was a downside to joining the body politic."
It will not be dull.
----
Vista City Guardian -- Vista City, Ca -- Looking for Brian?  -- The Vista City Police Department was swamped by Zombies trying to get into the building.  Fortunately the doors are labeled "pull" which zombies do not understand.  Of this report there are some 22 walking dead moaning for Brian, and pushing at the front doors.
 <BR>
==11-23-24==
NewsEye -- Washington DC -- We have a President -- Working remarkably quickly considering that no one had a clear majority, the House has come to an agreement.  Our new President is Jon McCane (TS).  Speaker of the House is Serenity Meng (NY 6 TB).
Team Blue and Team Scarlet are getting down to business.  Jon McCane is working closely with Alex Luthor on the transition and McCane is getting his cabinet ducks in a row.
Team Red is throwing a total hissy fit as they are effectively cut out.  They are the third party now, and no they do not like it. Team Red House leader John Ivanovich threatened to take their ball and bat and go home.  Ms Meng the current and continuing Speaker of the House,  shrugged her shoulders.  Fine, we still have a quorum. And you will get zero say.
The Senate remains firmly in Team Blue control with the minority evenly split between Team Red and Team Scarlet.
----
MessyNBC -- Columbus, Oh -- POW! --  Neo Nutzis, faces hidden behind masks attempted to rally in downtown when two of them went down gargling.  Mask or not their faces had been crushed by the "Fist of Ghodd."
Bobby Badeal and Chris Biget were rushed to Columbus General Hospital and are reported in grave condition.  As is typical of such cases no cleric will heal them.  Even the one witch present (dealing with a childbirth) would do nothing without some pretty heavy geases.  
They remain sedated and under observation while the surgical team works on it. 
----
FNN -- Hollyweird, Ca -- Spectral Concert -- Once again Buddy Holly and the Crickets played the Hollywood Bowl. Like before the venue was closed, and the only people that observed were the maintenance staff.
This was the second appearance.  Roy Orbison opened for them this time, not Jimi Hendrix.
----
FauxNews -- Columbus, Oh -- Again! -- No, we had this discussion.  These are not conservatives.  They are not good Christian folk.  They are supporters of the gang of thugs that willfully killed 10 million innocent people.  They wear their colors and chant their slogans.  We had this discussion, it was called World War 2, and the Nutizs lost.  If some force wishes to punch them in the face, so be it.  -- ED
Incidentally Carl HarHaw of the UK based National Action group also had his face punched to the back of his head.  He was found in a public bathroom by cleaning staff, dead on the scene.  He did not get help in time.
 <BR>
==11-29-24==
Die Ziet -- Frankfurt, De -- Neo Nutzi Killed -- During a rally of the New German Front Adolf Heinkil an infamous far right supporter was speaking before an agitated crowd when his head snapped back cutting off his speech.  Said head fell to the ground and rolled away from his body, which slumped behind the speaker's stand spurting blood.
There was a moment's silence.  Pandemonium broke out with people rushing the exits.  Many were trampled, 47 hospitalized and three dead.
Authorities examined Herr Heinkil's head and body in the aftermath. The Fist of Ghodd had punched clean into his brain cavity and snapped his head off the neck with the force.  He would have been dead at once.
Take warning, the Fist of Ghodd has stopped playing "Nice".
----
Faux News -- Washington DC -- Poor Turkey -- Once again known animal hater uthor failed to officially pardon the turkey sent by the American Heritage Turkey Association to encourage the consumption of real meat.  The turkey was sent to a petting zoo in Virginia without comment.
When pressed for comment all he had to say was "We have not eaten a real bird in the White House since I took office.  The ceremony is out of date."
American Heritage Turkey Association spokesman Tommy Gurvy stated "Thanksgiving is about traditions and killing a living thing and eating it is American Tradition, don't fall for this liberal fake meat."
Of course what liberal weenie PET'M had to say is not worth printing.
----
MessyNBC -- Biwabik, Mn -- The 17th Launcher -- Golfing patrons at the Giants Ridge Golf & Ski Resort had been advised to take par at the 17th hole and not play it.  Of late every ball that drops into the cup has been launched at very high speed straight into the air.  Fast enough that if you find it the ball is torn to shreds.  Greens keepers cannot keep a flag in the pin either.  Same result, the whole flag vanished and comes back out at a high rate of speed.
When examined the cup appears entirely normal.  The Giants Ridge Golf & Ski Resort is debating what action to take.
----
TruthMax -- Dallas, Tx -- Coopland Stepping Down -- Blessed Pastor Kenny Coopland announced that it is the will of the LORD that he step away from the ministry and retire.  Stated Reverend Coopland, "The damage done was greater than anyone suspected.  I have a long road of recovery and the Ministry is full time.  The Lord has told me to step aside and get well.  My time of public ministry is over."
The position of the main Pastor of Lakeside Church is currently open to any Minister in accord with their principles that can also fill the jar.
----
NewsEye -- Bend, Or -- What was the Subject? -- Congress critter Cliff Bent (Or 2 TR) was giving a speech to the Young Redders at Oregon State University, Bend.  He was well into his haranguing on the socialist moves of the Team Blue administrations and how 'Muricans want to struggle and strive, not live well on the bounty of the land, when he was hit with what he don't believe in.
In short he hobgoblined on the spot.  Your reporter can state that such a transformation is difficult to watch on the spot.  However our good congress critter endured.  He looked dazed in the aftermath and did loose the track of his speech.  The evening sort of ended right there without the promised question period.
Much has been made about the moral imperative of such a matter.  An imperative that has proven largely true.  We can say that from his past record in the house Hobgoblin should wear well on him.
 <BR>
==12-4-24==
MessyNBC -- San Fransisco, Ca -- BoA Theft -- Bank of American has reported a theft at the main branch in San Fransisco.  How the break in occurred and what was taken was not reported at this time.  The FBI is working on he case.
Bank spokespersons refused comment at this time.
----
FNN -- Charlotte, NC -- Cracks in the Cracker -- William Cracker and his son Franklin had a rather public falling out at a recent gathering.  Franklin has publicly rejected the Enlightenment that his father William has embraced.
Franklin has publicly stated he believes that the United States is a Christianist nation and he will strive toward the goal of returning it to the "truth" that has never existed.
William for his part has stated you cannot force the God nature on anyone.  He is saddened by his son's decision, but there is nothing more to be done.  He dearly prays that Franklin does not get punched in the face.  However he cannot protect him.
----
Chicken Noddle News -- Washington DC -- Cabinet Picks Coming In -- Jon McCane the President Elect has been sending his cabinet pick to the Senate.  Of not is the total lack of anyone that you could identify as a neo-conservative.  Further he is retaining Martian Doric as the Secretary of Magic. and Curt Chandra as the Attorney General.
McCane has stated, "The country is working, the people prosper, the nation secure.  I see no reason to change anything that is working to please gray old men that hate poor people.
----
MessyNBC -- Lake Tahoe, Nv -- Cute Mousy -- Randy Morefem the head of TruthMax, who has not been seen in a while was found in his Lake Tahoe "Ranch" as a Mouse.  The family has had him committed because of his constant rants about giant fists and "the Centaur".  Said Centaur apparently patted him on the head and called him a cute mousy.
Well it looks like TruthMax needs to find a new CEO.
ED Comment: On the ranch, all hat, no cattle.
 <BR>
==12-11-24==
TruthMax -- Waco, Tx -- Pagans Attacking Christianists --  Upright Christianist and model citizen Cory Stórmenni, has stated that he and other groups of good Christianists are afraid to exercise their rights under the Constitution because of this uncontrolled pagan "force" that is randomly punching good Christianists in the face.  "You are not even safe in your own home stated Mr Stórmenni.  One of our most outstanding members* was struck down while eating with his family.  Good Americans should not have to live in fear for their Faith.
*Robert Kort:  Accused by Liberals of driving his car into a so called pride parade.
Comment:  Deleted because some libtard.
----
NewsEye -- San Fransisco, Ca -- Musky Arraigned -- Husky Musky was arraigned in the San Francisco Superior Courthouse on changes of espionage.  Judge Mary Morris took the unusual step of refusing Mr Musky bail.  Her reasoning being that "No reasonable amount could mean anything to him and he possessed multiple means of flight from his changes.  Mr Musky was remanded to the person of FBI Deputy Director Connor Blackmane, head of the Department of Super Heroes, for incarceration as Mr Blackmane is unbribeble.
Musky's lawyers objected in vain.  He was hauled off to await trial.
Even if Musky manages to avoid conviction he stands a good chance of deportation.
----
Chicken Noodle News -- Lensick, Shetland -- Plane Recovered -- A fishing boat out of Lenwick, Shetland in Scotland located a beautiful plane missing since last year.  The German registered wonderful, crashed civil aviation aircraft was recovered by the British Coast Guard.  Sources state that Human remains were found within.
No further statements will be made until contact with the German government is made.
----
Miami Herald -- Miami, Fl -- The Everglades are Deeper -- In spite of world sea levels stabilizing and even reversing, the Everglades are an inch deeper than last year. Sinkholes continue to crumble away what dry land remains in the state.  Florida State Geologist Juan Sumidero "I cannot state that any part of Florida is safe, however West Central Florida has the most water soluble bedrock under the water table.  Keep this in mind when choosing a place to 'rent'."
 <BR>
==12-21-24==
Faux News -- New York, NY -- War on Christmas! -- Starbucks continues its war on Christmas with a cup that only rifs on Holiday colors and their pagan logo.  No mention of Jebus whatsoever.  
Filthy secularists have forced the City Council of Scranton, Pa to remove the the nativity scene from city park land.
The Pagan House of Crafters is feeding the hungry while not Christian in multiple places.  Even calling it a "Yule Dinner", throwing out the name of Christ altogether.
A True Christian Christmas™ is under threat!!  Be offended!!
----
BBC -- Antwerp, Belgium -- Stolen Jewels Recovered -- Several marked Diamonds have shown up in the Antwerp diamond market being peddled by shady types.  Said diamonds having been stolen in the recent magical raid on Bank of America is San Fransisco.  Belgian police are holding said shady characters for questioning.
----
MessyNBC -- Cape Canaveral, Fl -- A Fool and His Freedumb -- Noted Intertubes wanker Nutty Jones was arrested for vciolating the flight line at the Cape.  He stated he was going to prove the shuttles were wooden mockups.  NASA officals stated that the only danger was to himself should he have gotten injured. 
Security quickly stunned Mr Jones when he became belligerent while fighting to get at an orbital passenger shuttle undergoing maintenance.
NASA stated they are reviewing the incident to see where the security failure was. 
----
Mother Jones -- San Fransisco -- The Plague Spreads -- Or blessing depending on how you look at it.  The most recent "victim" was Japanese political figure Mitomo Yakmoto, head of the far right Conservative Party was punched while drinking with colleagues and reporters.  He was rushed to the hospital. Doctors have hopes of giving him some kind of face.  Again in lock step no one would heal him with magic.
Magic diviners have told us what we are dealing with, but not the why.  Why now?  Fascist assholes have been around.  They have done untold damage to Humanity and the world.  Now we get a faceless implacable counter to this threat.  We would still like to know why...even who?
 <BR>
==12-28-24==
FNN -- Des Moine, Ia -- Preacher Freaks -- Well they are.  But when Bob and Judy, Phil and Mary decided to form a single household, their neighbor Preacher Tom Morgan lost it.  He is currently enjoying County hospitality awaiting trial for aggravated assault and battery.  The four lovers are reported to be fine.
The kicker is they don't even go to his hateful little church.  Why would they?
----
BBC -- Tbilisi, Georgia -- More Union -- The Georgian government has confirmed their bid to join the European Union has been confirmed.
The Russian Monarchy stated "Some concern" over the move.  They are being ignored as they are not an involved party.
----
MessyNBC -- Reno, Nv -- Court Drama --  Being turned into a mouse does not absolve you from appearing in court it seems, and Randy Morefem the head of TruthMax was required to be in court for the defamation trial brought by Skylar Morningstar for statements made on his "news" station.
Ms Morningstar's attorney entered the courtroom.  Allister Pembroke is a Centaur ("You get use to it" - A. Pembroke) and on spotting him Randy Morefem screamed and attempted to climb his own attorney. Dissuaded from that he tried hiding behind the Judge's bench.  The Honorable Frank Jones was not amused. He had to be removed from the courtroom.  First known case of Cenaturphobia.
The trial is being held in abeyance until they figure out what to do.  Ms Morningstar is entitled to her choice of counsel, even if he does freak out the defendant.
----
The Grudge Report -- Huston, Tx -- Power Bank Two -- NASA announced that the second solar power satellite array was now on-line.  With transporters becoming a reality the power is just in time, and likely will not be enough.  NASA states they are continuing to build additional power generation to handle the coming replicator.
 <BR>