A River Runs Through Bob/Transcript

== A River Runs Through Bob ==
Bob: Ah! (inhales deeply) Air! Come on, kids. Get some of that woodsy air in your lungs. (inhales) Oh, that's pretty woodsy, right?
Tina: (inhales) Woodsiest I've ever smelled.
Gene: (inhales) My musk will blend right in.
Louise: I'm pretty sure camping isn't good for my... (sputters) I don't know, knees? I've got a note around here somewhere.
Linda: I'll write you a note after I write myself one.
Bob: Come on, guys. It's not Tina's fault she was sick when her Thundergirl troop went camping.
Tina: This way, you all get to go on my make-up camping trip. Yay.
Linda: What do we know about camping? We come from a family of city dwellers. We are all gonna die!
Bob: Hey, I know plenty about camping. I used to go camping, once, when I was a kid. It's great, from what I remember. Plus, what would you say if I told you I'm carrying a saw in my pocket right now?
Gene: Is that what you said when you met Mom?
Louise: Are those nail clippers?
Bob: It's my Nature Master It's a multi-tool, It does everything nature requires.
Gene: Could it kill an eagle?
Bob: Why would we want to kill an eagle?
Gene: I don't know, they're so condescending.
Louise: Yes! We're killing eagles.
Tina: Actually, my Thundergirl handbook says to leave only footprints, so we probably shouldn't kill anything.
Louise: (groans loudly)
Tina: We could go on a 13-smilehike. There's taking pictures with your mind. Consensual bird watching.
Linda: We don't have to do any of that, do we, Bob?
Bob: No.
Ranger: Hiya, folks you picked a great weekend to camp, you'll all be fine.
Bob: Um... great. Wait, why'd you say we'll all be fine?
Ranger: Because you will, You'll all be fine. Just mind the river, that's all. It's, uh, high this year but, you'll be fine and your family will be fine. 
Bob: Okay.
Tina: ThunderMint?
Ranger: God, no. Keep those in a sealed container. We've had some aggressive wildlife out here lately.
Louise: Bears?
Ranger: No. Squirrels.
Bob: Seriously?
Ranger: We've lost some good people recently.
Tina: To the squirrels?
Ranger: Bears.
Linda and Bob: What?
Ranger: (laughs) Kidding. Budget cuts. They've made a lot of budget cuts and now it's just me. People don't value the parks and then they get what they get. 
Linda: Bob, this guy's freakin' me out.
Bob: Shh. It's fun. It's ranger humor. Uh, So we're gonna drive now, so thanks for everything. 
Ranger: Camp at your own risk. State park motto. 
Bob: Sir, I need you to lift the gate. 
Ranger: Yeah, right, the gate. Sure. 
Bob: Yeah, you just sort of left. 
Ranger: Open, open sesame. There you go. 
Bob: Thank you. 
Gene: Nature boner! Mm boing! 
Linda: That's not what it is, Gene. Come on, it's a rock. 
Tina: It's a wang. Mount Wang. William Archibald Wang, a Chinese diplomat was the first to summit that mountain. 
Gene: William Wang, what can't you do?
Louise: Where is he now? Back in the city, staying at a hotel like a normal person. 
Linda: Oh, oh! What are these? Bees? Oh, I hate 'em. 
Tia: Great identification, Mom. 
Linda: Thank you, Tina,
Linda: Wait, Bob this is all you packed?
Bob: Well, I mean, I packed this, my Nature Master. And I got two tents and this cool camping stove I borrowed from Teddy.
Linda: What about food? And water? And what about toiletries? 
Bob: Well, there's a river right there. That's all the water you could ever drink, you know? So we'll be fine for one day. 
Linda: Oh.
Bob: And the river's also nature's grocery store. That's where we get all our food, like fish and vegetables. 
Linda: Vegetables?
Bob: Yes. From upriver. 
Gene: Mac and cheese?
Bob: And we'll make our own cheese. We can do that in the woods. 
Linda: But how? I-I-I....
Bob: Because you ferment the milk from... I... Look, people, everything we need is right here. 
Louise: Or over there. There's no line for that food truck. 
Bob: You know what? Fine. I'm going to go catch me a meal. In that river. With this. We're gonna catch all the fish. God, I love you. 
Linda: Hi. I'm sorry to bother you. We're camping over there, and my husband blew it on packing. Can I borrow some crackers or, you know, peanut butter? You guys, you look so prepared. 
Man: You've got to be prepared when civilization breaks down. 
Linda: Oh. 
Tina: Wait, why will civilization break down? 
Louise: Have you been to the post office lately? 
Woman: She knows. 
Louise: That's right. I know. 
Gene: What does she know? 
Woman: You know.
Louise: I know you know I know. 
Gene: What happens at the post office? They seem organized.
Woman: He doesn't know. 
Louise: He doesn't know anything. 
Gene: What?
Man: Perhaps you might be interested in reading more about it in our literature. 
Linda: Oh! Okay. Huh.
Woman: Please, borrow whatever you need.
Gene: Ooh. That plus that plus that. Wow.
Woman: I need my juice.
Man: Okay, well, enjoy our provisions while you digest our truths. 
Linda: Thank you so much. Um, can I borrow some wine too? Wine helps me drink. Come on kids, let's go. 
Linda: Mmm, mmm! Those kooks make some good chili. Bobby, are you sure you don't want any chili?
Bob: No. I will be enjoying the fish I caught. 
Gene: That's a fish? 
Bob: Yeah, Gene. It's a trout. It's king of the river. I can cut it up if anyone wants to share. You know, I'm not gonna... be able to eat all this. 
Tina: Dad, are you sure you cooked it enough? 
Bob: Tina, the worst thing you can do is overcook a trout. I wish I could cook it less. 
Linda: Enjoy your goldfish, wild man. 
Bob: That's a lot of bones. But with trout, when you're as experienced as I am... you learn to use your mouth to take the bones out. Use the back of your... throat. 
Bob: Wow. They're asleep. Must be the woodsy air. 
Linda: Yeah, crazy how kids can fall asleep sober like that. 
Bob: Hey, I read that there's a warm spring around here. Some people skinny dip there. You want to, uh, go find it? 
Linda: A warm spring? Don't you mean a hot spring?
Bob: Well, it said warm spring. 
Linda: What about the kids?
Bob: They're fine. We'll be close. 
Linda: Okay, but if a deer sees me naked, you can't get jealous. 
Linda: What about the vest?
Bob: Oh, no. This guy stays on. Oh, that's nice. Ah. Come on in. 
Linda: Whoo! Uh...
Bob: 'Scuse me. Oh, that's really trouty. 
Linda: This is lukewarm at best. They should call it a tepid spring. 
Bob: Really? 'Cause I'm uh... Wow. I'm boiling in here. Oh, boy. I'm gonna, uh... I'm just gonna use the restroom. I mean, a tree. I mean, I got to get out of here.
Linda: Hey, where are you going? Come back to Mommy. 
Bob: No, not right now. Don't... Let go, Lin.
Linda: Let's make this crappy little warm spring hot. 
Bob: Let. go. let go. I got to go to the bathroom.
Linda: Come to Mommy. Come on. Give me your hand. 
Bob: Let go. Please, Lin. Definitely an emergency. 
Linda: Come to Mommy. 
Bob: Let go! Oh! Oh! Whoa, whoa. Oh! Oh!
Gene: What was that?
Tina: That loud sound?
Gene: Yeah.
Tina: Probably an owl? 
Gene: Should one of us go check it out? Not me?
Louise: Guys, come on, listen, it's nature. We're not all gonna make it tonight. Safe, safe, goner. Good night. 
Bob: Linda?
Linda: Bob?
Bob: Grab that branch! This river is really fast! Fastest I've ever seen.
Linda: You see lots of fast rivers, Bob?
Bob: No! I'm just saying that this is really fast, okay?
Linda: Oh, what do you know?
Bob: You're gonna argue with me now?!
Linda: Yes, Now. 
Bob: When we're flying 30 miles an hour down a river?!
Bob: We made it. 
Linda: What the hell was that river's problem? You stupid river!
Bob: I'm gonna sit down. Nope! I'm gonna go over there for a sec. 
Linda: Bob?
Bob: Oh, boy. Lin. Look over there. It's a pelican. And Patrick Duffy. 
Linda: Patrick Duffy? Where? I love Dallas. 
Bob: Oh, he ran away. 
Linda: Where'd you go?
Bob: I, uh, got a-a walking stick. That's why I went behind that bush. I didn't have diarrhea at all. I love it out here. Oh, God. There's got to be a better stick back there. I'll go find it. Oh!
Linda: Where are you, Bob? Bob?
Bob: Oh, there's a better stick right here. I found it. Hey, Lin. How do you like my new walking stick? That old one was so stupid compared to this new one. This is the one I wanted. 
Linda: Why does this vest smell like puke and fish? 
Bob: That's the smell of a man. A healthy camping man. 
Linda: Camping's gross. And we're freaking lost. 
Bob: You might be lost, but I'm not lost. I know the woods. All we have to do is just follow the river back to camp. 
Linda: You sure about that, Mr. Outdoors?
Bob: Yeah. We'll be back in our tent before the kids even wake up. 
Linda: Good. We got to get to the kids before wolves raise 'em. It's my worst fear. Little Wolf Gene. I'd have to cut holes in all the seats of his pants. 
Bob: Why?
Linda: For the tail. 
Bob: Why would we even dress him? He's a wolf.
Linda: Because he'd still need to go to school. and be loved by the other kids.
Bob: But he'd be a... he wouldn't want to wear clothes. It doesn't...
Linda: Just because he's different, Bob. 
Bob: Do you know how much money we would save, Lin? 
Gene: I'm gonna put a breakfast order in at the RV. You guys want anything? Where are Mom and Dad? 
Tina: They're not in there? Maybe they went for a morning hike? 
Gene: No. 
Tina: Look, it's their clothes. 
Gene: Oh no, Mom and Dad melted!
Louise: Things got a little physical. Signs of a struggle. Clothes went off. When these rocks gave way and then whoosh. 
Tina: Oh my God, Mom and Dad could be nude dangling over the edge of a cliff. According to the Thundergirl handbook, we should wait here for a person of authority to arrive. 
Louise: Can I see that page?
Tina: Sure. 
Louise: Thank you. We should tube down the river and find Mom and Dad. We should really tube. Let's tube! 
Gene: Yes! Let's tube! Why are we walking when we should be tubing? 
Tina: Isn't this stealing? 
Louise: Nuh-uh, it's borrowing. 
Tina: 'Cause Thundergirls don't steal. 
Louise: Well, uh, we're borrowing. 
Gene: Borrow anything that isn't nailed down. 
Gene: You're staying with me until I put you on Dad myself. 
Tina: Wait, let's tie our tubes together so we don't get separated. 
Gene: Yeah, let's get our tubes tied! 
Louise: Okay, let's whoosh. 
Linda: Hey look, it's Mount Wang. Why does it look so small? 
Bob: Oh, crap. We followed the wrong river!
Linda: How did we do that?
Bob: This feeds into that, and we followed this all night. Oh my God. I feel sick. 
Linda: Okay, okay. This is just like when we forgot where we parked at the baseball game. We'll do what we did then. We walked back to the entrance of the stadium and then we retraced our steps. We got to go down to this river again and we come up the right river to the campsite. 
Bob: That's a dumb plan. It will take too long. 
Linda: Well, what do we do?! The kids must be worried sick about us. 
Bob: We need to go straight across. 
Linda: Are you sure, Bobby?
Bob: Yes, I'm sure. The right way is... that way? That might not have sounded like I'm sure but I'm sure. 
Linda: All right, you're the Nature Master. We're coming for you, kids! 
Tina: We're coming for you Mom and Dad!
(song playing in background): KIDS, WE'RE COMING FOR YOU UNDERWEAR FLYING IN THE AIR WE'RE COMING FOR YOU NOW WE'RE FALLING WE'RE SNACKING AND TUBING AND LAUGHING AND SPLASHING AND CRAAAAAAAAAWLING 
Linda: Oh, I'm so hungry Bobby. Oh my God, I ate an ant. Oh, I just ate another one. 
Bob: Lin, what are you doing?
Linda: Oh, they're not that bad. Oh look! A worm!
Bob: Oh, don't eat.. Don't eat that... No...
Linda: Oh! Huh! Right there. Come here, you little sucker. Come on!
Bob: Don't eat a worm in front of me. Please, I don't want to see you eat a worm. 
Linda: Try one, Bob.
Bob: Get that away from me. 
Linda: Just a taste. Just a taste.
Bob: Get it away. Oh, why did we go camping?! 
Tina: Huh. There's nothing in here about finding lost parents. Did you know there are eight different ways to hold hands?
Louise: Tina, stop reading that stupid Thundergirl book! 
Gene: I have something from the RV that I can read from. "Apocotips for the Apocalypse." "Don't wait for nightfall to build shelter" 
Tina: That makes sense.
Gene: "Leave no trace. Shave off your fingerprints."
Louise: Been saying that for years. 
Bob: My feet don't work anymore. Carry me. 
Linda: Oh, come on. We got to get to the kids before it gets dark. 
Bob: Right, the kids. Second wind! Didn't work. 
Linda: Okay, I guess we're stopping. 
Bob: I'm just gonna lay down for a sec, recharge my batter, all right? 
Linda: Oh my God, we're gonna spend another night in the woods? Okay. We need a fire. We got to make a fire. 
Bob: Just uh, put some wood on your face... 
Linda: Bob, you're not making sense. 
Bob: Don't say fish. 
Linda: Oh, Bobby. Help! Can anyone hear me?! Patrick Duffy! 
Louise: "Now that your shelter is built, you must seal the perimeter. Remember the 30 sticks you've sharpened to a deadly point?" 
Tina: Yeah? 
Louise: "They will now be utilized." 
Tina: Oh, I thought they were for some kind of skit. Thundergirls do skits around the campfire. 
Louise: What skit would that possibly be for? 
Tina: I don't know. You should see some of the skits that get produced. 
Gene: Look at this part. They say insects can and should be weaponized. 
Louise: "Beware of any organization that rewards members with empty titles or trinkets. These are the wool of the sheep." Hey, Tina, you're looking a little sheepish yourself right now. 
Tina: My Thundergirl patches aren't trinkets. Though I did get this patch for making trinkets. 
Louise: We wouldn't be here if it weren't for your stupid make-up trip. And we've learned more useful stuff in two hours from this baby than you've ever learned from those brainwashing Thundergirls. 
Tina: I'm not brainwashed. 
Louise: Do you chant or repeat mantras? 
Tina: No. Oh. Yes. 
Louise: Shut up, shut up. Look over there. We're not alone, guys. 
Gene: It could be aggressive squirrels worshipping fire. 
Tina: It could be Mom and Dad. 
Louise: Either way, grab a spear. We're going in. 
Troop: Rain, rain! Flash, flash! Thundergirls wear a thunder sash! 
Tina: Oh my God, that sounds lie Thundergirl troop number 39. They won the regional chant-off. 
Troop Leader: Hello, who's over there? 
Louise: We are! 
Gene: Yeah we are. 
Troop Leader: Hey, you're a Thundergirl. 
Louise: Yeah, she was. Until she learned that organizations like this are soul stealers! 
Troop Leader: I-I, I don't understand. Did-did you get sep... 
Louise: "Oh, I-I don't understand" 
Troop Leader: Did you get separated from your troop? 
Tina: No, my troop got... separated from... reality. Thundergirls are a sham! 
Louise: Yeah! Lay it on 'em, Teen. 
Tina: I used to be like you. This morning. I only cared about sashes and patches. 
Louise: Sashes and patches! 
Tina: Then I woke up. 
Louise: She woke the hell up! 
Troop Leader: Okay, maybe you kids should start camp with us tonight. We have plenty of food... 
Louise: I'd rather die! 
Tina: We don't need your food! Or your lies! 
Gene: Unless you have some cookies! And not the oatmeal ones! 
Louise: Never the oatmeal ones! 
Gene: Yeah! 
Louise: Even if they have chocolate chips in them, they're still oatmeal. 
Tina: The truth is, y-you're all just cogs in a cookie-selling machine! 
Louise: Right! 
Tina: You're a cog, you're a cog, you're definitely a cog. You're more of a pawn. 
Girl: What? 
Troop Leader: Honey, I think you're tired. And you're kind of dirty. 
Tina: I've never been more awake and dirty in my life. I hereby renounce my Tenderheart-level membership to the Thundergirls! 
Louise: Yeah! We're out of here! 
Gene: Yeah, and we're taking these. And this one. 
Tina: Good luck with your skit. 
Girl: Thanks. 
Bob: Oh, you're hogging all the blankets. 
Linda: Come on. Get up. Come on. 
Bob: Hmm? 
Linda: I'm leading us. Let's go. 
Bob: What are you talking about? Ow. Ow. 
Linda: You're sick! 
Bob: I'm not sick. 
Linda: Then what the hell is that? 
Bob: Wh-What? 
Linda: I'll tell you what that is: It's diarrhea and throw-up. You're firing from both ends. I studied the ballistics. It checks out. 
Bob: That was probably a bobcat. 
Linda: Oh, okay. You didn't eat a raw trout that didn't make you poop and barf your way through the forest like some kind of disgusting Hansel and Gretel. I'm taking charge here! We're gonna go! Come on! This way now! 
Bob: No. Not that way. It's this way. You don't even know what you're doing out here, Lin. 
Linda: I don't know what I'm doing? I fed myself ants and grubs and I made a wilderness hairbrush. Doesn't work, but still. Plus, you're sick, so let's go. I'm Nature Master now. 
Bob: You're never Nature Master! I'm Nature Master! I'll go back to camp this way and then we'll send help for you! 
Linda: Oh, come on. Just stick with me. You've got horrible diarrhea, Bob. 
Bob: You've got horrible diarrhea, Bob! 
Tina: Day one without the sash. Whew. Got to figure out who I am and what I'm going to wear diagonally... across my chest. 
Gene: Seatbelt? 
Louise: Bandolier? 
Tina: Oh, yeah. 
Louise: And tonight, we take off your fingerprints. 
Tina: All right, people, let's move out! 
Bob: Got to find the kids. Got to beat Linda. Need strength. Got to find food. 
Linda: Kids! Kids! Mommy's coming! Whew! I'm headed for the Wang! I can see the tip! Oh, Bobby, why do you gotta be such a wang! 
Bob: Is that is that a nut? What are you, an acorn? If you're poisonous, tell me now. Hey! Get back here with my nut, you jerk. Well, well, well. It looks like the squirrel has become the idiot. Thanks for doing the heavy lifting, squirrels. Oh, boy. Get away from me! Get away from me! Aah! Aah! Don't eat me! I don't have the strength to fight. This is how I'm gonna die. 
Bob: This is taking forever. Hurry up and eat me. Linda?! 
Linda: That's my man! You get your paws off those nuts! Hi-ya! Ah-wa! Ya! Ah-whoo! 
Bob: You saved me! 
Linda: Yeah, I missed your stinky face. How you feelin', my little salmonella fella? 
Bob: Uh better. All empty. Sorry I-I left you back there. That was stupid. 
Linda: Oh, Bobby. Come on, let's go. 
Bob: Hey, Linda there are two Nature Masters: The one I left at camp I miss that one so bad but the other Nature Master is you. 
Linda: Aw. 
Bob: This is a fishing pole, this is a toothpick what the hell is this? You got to get that removed. 
Linda: What? 
Bob: That's, like, a huge wart. 
Linda: Don't look at that. Stop it. Come on, we got to get back to camp. 
Bob: Holy crap. We're here. 
Linda: Kids! Bobby, the kids are gone! 
Bob: What? What? 
Woman: They're in here! 
Linda: What? 
Man: Yeah, hurry. We got fudge in here, too. 
Linda: Fudge. 
Bob: Kids? 
Linda: Gene. Tina. Louise. Where are you, babies? Where-where are you? 
Man: Your kids aren't here. 
Woman: And neither is the fudge. 
Bob and Linda: What?! 
Man: Your kids stole the fudge. Along with our inner tubes and our travel backgammon set. And a copy of our survivalist guide. 
Bob: Um, okay. I'm sorry about that, but where are they? We need to find them. We've been in the woods for, like, 40 hours. 
Man: Well, we've been in the woods for 40 months. And we think you've got what it takes to join us. 
Woman: What do you say, Linda? Did our literature speak to you? 
Linda: What?! Who cares about any of that crud? We need to find our kids! 
Man: Forget your kids. They're floating in very high quality inner tubes down a river eating fudge and playing backgammon. 
Bob: Um, all right, well, we're gonna go to them now, okay? 
Man: Hold-hold on. Hold up. Ooh, is this bear mace? 
Bob: Why are you holding bear mace in my face? 
Man: We need to know that you are ready to accept our invitation. 
Linda: Okay... 
Man: Let's put on our "Ritual of Trust" music. 
Woman: I'll get the trust lotion. 
Tina: They're not here. Now what? 
Gene: Let's get a tiny bit more fudge. 
Louise: Or a lot bit more fudge. 
Bob: What the hell is going on? What do we do? 
Linda: Shh. I've got an idea how to get us out of here. Just follow my lead. Okay! Here we go! Let's lotion up. Yeah! 
Man: Great! You're the first ever to agree to the Ritual of Trust. This is gonna be so icy hot. 
Woman: Oh, it sure is, hon. 
Man: Very sexual. 
Linda: Whew! Yes. 
Bob: I am looking forward to it. 
Linda: Can I just use your tiny restroom to freshen up? Trust me, you don't want any of this like this. Nah. Ew. Yeah, we smell like ass. Come on, Bobby. 
Linda: It's too small. 
Tina: Mom? 
Linda: Oh, my babies. 
Bob: Is that the kids? 
Gene: What are you guys doing? 
Bob: Uh, trying to escape. But not successfully. 
Linda: Go get help. Your father and I are being held hostage by the horny hermits. 
Tina: Hmm, I think I've got a plan. A plan bee. 
Louise: All right, Tina. This is all you. Just like unscrewing a lightbulb. 
Gene: Maybe this will help you. 
Tina: My sash! You knew I was always a Thundergirl deep down and would want it back. 
Gene: No! This is satin, woman. You don't just throw away satin! 
Tina: Maybe Thundergirls aren't completely useless in the wild. Maybe a bit of Thundergirl resourcefulness and a little bit of survivalist weaponized insects make for a perfect s'more of ideas. Turns out I'm a Thunder-vivalist. 
Louise: Tina, shush! Just do it! 
Tina: Oh, yeah, sorry. Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Thundergirl in the hole! 
Linda: Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Bees! 
Woman: They've weaponized insects! They took a page out of our own book. 
Tina: Page 17. 
Bob: Ow! I'm getting stung! That was your plan?! 
Gene: You're welcome. 
Woman: I'll Mace them! Oops. 
Louise: Camping is fun! 
Bob: Go, go. In the car! 
Linda: Bobby, your stuff. 
Bob: Forget the stuff! Gene, grab my Nature Master. 
Man: You can't Mace a guy! 
Woman:Oh, well, you know what else you can't do? You can't take your wife camping for 40 months! 
Man: You're right, honey. Come here. Come over here. Yeah. 
Louise: Here, Tina. It's a patch for keeping Mom and Dad alive. 
Tina: I don't think this'll count as an official patch but thank you. 
Linda: You did the Thundergirls proud, honey. 
Tina: And I never left them ever. And no one can say I did. 
Gene: Dad, your underpants. 
Bob: Thank you. 
Louise: Perfect underwear, perfect weekend. 
Bob: Uh, this isn't my underwear. 
Gene: More underwear for me then. 
Category:Transcripts