The Interoceanic Conflict

The Interoceanic Conflict is the fourth episode in Season 2 and the eleventh overall in No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on August 24, 2020.
==Plot==
The presidential candidates have a debate about a new topic: foreign policy.
==Transcript==
Mr. Pepperchicken: Welcome all the fine heterosexual folk of Bikini Bottom! Today we have a very special program for you tonight, a town hall featuring all the candidates for president, from the Republican, Democratic, and Libertarian Parties. Last town hall we focused on the issue of climate change, tonight we’ll be focusing on foreign policy! Our first candidate of the night, Jellyfish Fields senator Bernie Sanders!
[Bernie Sanders walks on stage]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Thanks for being on the program, Mr. Sanders!
Mr. Sanders: Great to be here, Mr. Pepperchicken.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Now, first question - do you really think you’re qualified to be president, considering you’re a Jew?
Bernie Sanders: You see Mr. Pepperchicken, I do not think that religion should play a role in a government’s role in creating public policy, I think it ought to be made to accommodate people of all religions, it doesn’t matter that I’m a Jew.
Mr. Pepperchicken: You aren’t telling me you’ll let these filthy homosexuals have jobs in my Christian country, are you, you filthy Jewish man! What’s next, allowing women to vote?
Bernie Sanders: Well, sorry to tell you this Mr. Pepperchicken, but women can already vote, didn’t you know? It’s been like that 1920! Also, I’ve heard a little rumour your grandpa was a Jewish rooster, is that true?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I AM A PURE SLAVIC MAN OF MOTHER RUSSIA !!! All my ancestors were RUSSIAN CHICKENS!!!! Unlike you and those and those new natural aristocrats. You know what they say, the new natural aristocrats, emboldened by white empathy, are now claiming Aryan status! Also, I can’t believe they let women vote, it’s no wonder people like you are so popular!
Mr. Sanders: What the hell are you talking about, what does any of that even mean my good sir? I don’t care what religion or race you are, just that we should all care and support each other. And isn’t this supposed to be a foreign policy town hall?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, this is foreign policy!
Mr. Sanders: How?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Because! You’re a Jew! That means you can’t be trusted to put Russia - uh, I mean Bikini Bottom, first! You have dual loyalty to Israel!
Mr. Sanders: Mr. Pepperchicken, I’ll have you know that I am in fact most of the most critical candidates of Israel in this race and in fact support conditioning aid to them.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Conditioning aid based on what?
Mr. Sanders: Their treatment of the Palestinians.
Mr. Pepperchicken: But what about their treatment of the LBGT community?!
Mr. Sanders: Well, Israel is already one of the best countries for LGBT rights in the Middle East.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Exactly! They should not be getting a single cent of Bikini Bottom tax money until they change that!
[cut to Mr. R’Onion]
Mr. R’Onion: It is imperative that our troops stay in Iraq. The amount of green land there is shrinking, and desertification is happening at record speed! Trees must be planted at once to combat this!
[cut to Donald Trump]
Mr. Trump: You know, the problem is we’re just not tough enough. Everything has become so politically correct. You’re not even allowed to kill children anymore.
[cut to Mr. Renaud]
Mr. Renaud: Well, you already know my view on Israel. And let me just say, I am absolutely APPALLED by the president’s statement that our troops should kill children. They should be fucking them instead!
[cut to Mr. G]
Mr. G: Well you know, as a fellow war criminal, I’ve gotta agree with the president. We need to do whatever it takes to win. Even if it means killing civilians, or suppressing domestic dissent.
[cut to Squilliam Fancyson]
Mr. Fancyson: As long as it increases my net worth, I’m fine with any actions done by our troops.
[cut to Mr. Biden]
Mr. Biden: I concur with Mr. Renaud. Killing kids is just wrong - there would be so much less hair to sniff! The more sensible, moderate compromise would be to lock them up in cages and deprive them of food, followed by stroking their-
Mr. Pepperchicken: WAIT! What is the gender of these kids, Mr. Biden?
Mr. Renaud: Why, male and female.
Mr. Pepperchicken: MR. RENAUD! What are you doing here?! I was asking Joe Biden! And such a proposal is neither a sensible nor moderate compromise. A much more impartial solution would be to only stroke the parts of female children.
Mr. Renaud: But that would mean there’s only half the number of kids to stroke!
Mr. Pepperchicken: The boys aren’t for stroking.
Mr. Biden: Then what ARE they for?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’ll think about it over my break.
Mr. Biden: I assume you're a sniffing kinda guy.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well I'd love to sniff some dudes right no- I mean, that's disgusting!
Mr. Biden: Interesting choice of words there, Mr. Pepperchicken.
Mr. Pepperchicken: It was a Freudian slip. Nothing more than that, as I am not gay.
Mr. Biden: Moving on, then.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Before we move on, I'd like to reiterate that I am as straight as can be.
Mr. Biden: Right.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Extremely straight!
Mr. Biden: I think you've made your poin-
Mr. Pepperchicken: So unbelievably straight, that I'd give a ruler a run for its money!
Mr. Fancyson: Did somebody just mention money?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Where are all you people coming from?! It’s Biden’s turn!
Mr. Biden: It was in a metaphorical sense, Mr. Fancyson.
Mr. Fancyson: I'll admit I wasn't listening to the conversation in the slightest.
Mr. Biden: So anyway, back on track - we need to bomb every country in the Middle East, no questions asked.
Mr. Renaud: Oh, but not the kids!
Mr. Biden: Yes, we will be sparing the kids.
Mr. Renaud: Only the kids. Having adults around creates too many problems!
Mr. Biden: Great minds think alike.
[cut to Travis Pineapple]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mr. Pineapple, you have been very outspoken in your anti-war views. In your view, is there any circumstance in which war is justified?
Mr. Pineapple: I think there are a select few instances in which a government is inflicting extreme suffering on people where intervening for humanitarian purposes makes sense.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mind naming an example?
Mr. Pineapple: Bikini Bottom.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Bikini Bottom?
Mr. Pineapple: Yep. Regime change in Bikini Bottom must be implemented at once!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Great idea! Then Mother Russia can become the #1 superpower!
[cut to Vermin Supreme]
Mr. Supreme: I am completely opposed to boots on the ground.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Ah, so you’re for drone warfare then?
Mr. Supreme: No!
[cut to Mr. Fancyson]
Mr. Fancyson: Whatever gets me richer, I don't care. Blow up all the children if you want, they never did anything for me.
Mr. Renaud: Not the children! They're my livelihood!
Mr. Pineapple: Pfft, if anything you're gonna be the one to blow up the children.
Mr. Renaud: Would not! Probably…
[Cut to Mr. Trump]
Mr. Trump: I say we go to war on those bloodhounds! Especially China! I used to love China, but then they started stealing our information!
Mr. Bernie: Mr. Trump, American countries steal our information too, including Facebook.
Mr. Trump: Fake news! Facebook is an American company, so therefore it can be trusted. Besides, it's where I find all the pretty women. Heheh.
Mr. Biden: I could make an entire ode to joy about those women. (sighs happily)
Mr. Trump: Don’t worry, Joe. Just grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.
Mr. Pepperchicken: I'm afraid this is all the time we have for our debate today. You can sniff more hair next time, everyone, there’s enough to go around, as long as it's female hair. As always, thanks for tuning into today’s big debate.
[TV shuts off, but quickly turns back on]
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’ve been informed by Mr. Pecks that we’re supposed to debate about one last topic.
Mr. Trump: (sighs) Can I just get back home to my daughter?
Mr. Pepperchicken: No. Anyway, the final topic is regarding Shell City’s treatment of innocent fish.
[Cut to Mr. Biden]
Mr. Biden: Innocent fish? How are they innocent? They made fun of me on Twitter!
Mr. Renaud: Depends. What’s their age?
[Cut to Mr. Trump]
Mr. Trump: As old as my daughter, most likely. And we can’t have that happening if that’s the case! If that isn’t the case, then turn them into marketable plushies.
Mr. Renaud: I have plenty of marketable plushes at home, if you know what I mean.
Mr. Biden: What do they smell like?
Mr. Renaud: Flowers.
Mr. Biden: Oh. Disappointed.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Looks like that will suffice. Again, thank you for tuning in for the debate, we will see you next time!
[TV turns off, and the episode ends for real]
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