Penguins.doc christmas special: TEH BIPOLAR EXPRESS

Hero Boy: Charlie
Hero Girl: Pixie
Billy: Adam
Smart Kid: ADL
Conductor: Helmet
Merry Walrus: Jimmy
Polar Express: Thomas the Tank Engine
Hobo: Poko
Reindeer on the tracks: MLPs
Elves: Jay, Gracie, Eagles, Tra, Hailey
On Merry Walrus Eve, many years ago, when I was only 12 years old and just beginning to grow out of my yellow feathers, I lay silently in my bed. I did not rustle the sheets. I was listening for something I was afraid I'd never hear- the pinging sound that I set to occur whenever I hit the comment requirement on a penguins.doc episode. If one did ever happen, I didn't hear it because the next thing I knew, there was a sound outside. Well, sound is an understatement. It was the loudest thing I had ever heard in my life- a train whistle that was apparently coming from right outside my igloo!
Charlie: *sits up in bed and looks out window* What in the... *puts on bathrobe and slippers, runs outside, and skids to a stop right in front of a large train, engulfed by mist* Wait a minute... is that...
The mist around the train clears, revealing...
Charlie: *gasps*
Thomas the Tank Engine: Surprise, mothaf***er.
THE BIPOLAR EXPRESS
Helmet: *is wearing large green conductor's hat* So... are you coming?
Charlie: To where?
Helmet: *falls over laughing* Oh wait... oh wait, you're serious.
Thomas: READ THE MOTHAF***ING WORDS ON MY MOTHAF***ING COACHES YOU SON OF A B**H
Charlie: *reads* "The Bipolar Express?"
Helmet: We're going to the North Pole, duh! My name's Helmet, but you can call me Alec Baldwi- I mean Mr. Conductor. You've met Thomas already.
Thomas: *sings* I LIKE BIG TENDERS AND I CANNOT LIE
Charlie: Wow, this really is the Bipolar Express.
Helmet: Well, are you coming? We are on a very tight schedule and *checks watch* HOLY CRUD WE GOTTA GO. We are going to the North Pole and you're coming along with us!
Charlie: Why me?
Helmet: ...Because that's just the way it is.
Charlie: And if I refuse?
Helmet: Then Thomas will run over you and I will murder your entire family.
Charlie: I'd love to come on the Bipolar Express! :D *eye twitches*
Charlie climbs into one of the coaches, finds a seat, and sits down.
Other Passengers: *singing* 
IT'S A TORPEDO ON A RAIL
NEVER GIVES ANYTHING A REST
F***ING THROUGH THE MOUNTAINS AND THE SNOW
YOU THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE A NORMAL NIGHT
BUT NOW YOU WILL DIGRESS
BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY THINGS HAPPEN ON THE BIPOLAR EXPRES-
Duck: *pops up out of seat* SHUT UP!!!! Ugh, I can't stand these guys. *sees Charlie* Oh hey, you must be the guy we just picked up. *shakes flipper* ADL.
Charlie: *shakes nervously* Hm? Ohh. Charlie.
ADL: So, do you know what kind of train this is?
Charlie: Uh...
Thomas: SOMEONE JUST FREAKING MENTIONED ME, WHO WAS IT??! D:<
Female Penguin: It's a magic train, duh.
ADL: Excuse me?
Female Penguin: It has a face and talks. If that's not magic I don't know what is.
ADL: Actually, it's an LB&SCR E2 steam-powered locomotive.
Charlie: ...What does that mean?!
ADL: I dunno but it sounds cool. Want some? *hands bag filled with a strange liquid*
Charlie: *makes a face* What is this?
ADL: *chuckles* That's just it!
Charlie: Uh... *chucks bag forward where it lands and pops on a Frost Bite*
Frost Bite: WHO THREW THAT *slices seat in half*
Helmet: *sticks head in* AGAIN, ADAM?!
Adam: ...
Helmet: Alright, you know the rules. *grabs Adam by a spike and drags him to the back of the train*
Adam: GET YOUR FLIPPERS OFF OF ME YOU SON OF A 
ADL: Oh, you know what he's gonna do now, don't you? He's gonna throw him off the train!
Everyone gasps
ADL: Yeah, standard procedure. They have to throw him off of the back of the train, that way he doesn't get sucked down under the wheel. The whole thing is really messed up. ...Which is why I've got to see this! *runs after them*
Charlie: Wait... if they're supposed to throw him off of the back of the train, then why did he take him to the front?
Female Penguin: Did you take what he said seriously?
Charlie: Yeah... should I not have?
Female Penguin: *chuckles* I'm Pixie. You said your name was Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah. Are we really going to the North Pole?
Pixie: Either the North Pole or Hell. I'm betting on the North Pole.
Charlie: Well, that's comforting... so what do they really do with troublemakers on this train?
Pixie: ...Hm, I don't know.
At the front of the train...
Thomas: *sings* BELIEVE IN WHAT YOUR HEART IS SAYING, HERE THE MELODY THAT'S PLAYIIING
Adam: *is stuck to Thomas' side with duct tape* MAKE IT STOOOOOOP
Thomas: Hey, you think I'M enjoying this? I hate my singing just as much as you d- OOH YAY A MOUNTAIN :D *zooms towards at full speed*
Adam: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
Helmet: *sticks head out of Thomas' cab* Alright Adam, you've had your fun. *reaches out and pulls him back inside*
ADL: Awww, I never get to see the good stuff.
Helmet: If I where you guys, I'd get back to your seats. We're about to go up and down the steepest glacier gulf in the world.
Adam: And you're taking a huge steam train on it?
Helmet: I've chosen to believe the guy who made the blueprints for these tracks.
Rory: *is on a cliff nearby* I HEARD THAT!!!! Geez, why can't anyone accept that I quit...
Tim: Rory, what are you doing up there?
Rory: Keeping a continuing gag from dying.
Tim: I see.
Rory: Well, if you need me I'll be faking my death to get more people to watch me. *jumps off cliff with harness on*
Thomas: *speeds up the mountain as fast as he can* What the...?! WHY AREN'T THERE ANY TRACKS ON THE OTHER SIIIIIDEE *falls*
Helmet: WE'RE GOING DOWN
Thomas: *writes will even though he has no hands* HELMET, IF I DON'T MAKE IT, TELL SANTA HE CAN GO F*** HIMSELF!!!
Helmet: WHY?
Thomas: HE GIVES ME COAL EVERY YEAR!!!
Helmet: STEAM ENGINES RUN ON COAL, HE PROBABLY THOUGHT YOU WANTED IT!!!
Thomas hits the ground hard and finds himself on top of a frozen lake.
Helmet: The ice... it's frozen over the tracks!
Charlie: So then I said, "if the actual holiday is called 'Merry Walrus', people say 'Merry Walrus' to each other, and the fat guy who brings us presents is called the Merry Walrus as well, then ho- are we in a lake right now?
Pixie: *looks out window* Looks like it!
Charlie and Pixie, apparently the only ones who even notice, run to the front of the train.
Charlie: What's going on?!
Helmet: We're on top of a frozen lake and the tracks are probably like ten feet below!
Pixie: How is the ice not breaking under the weight of the train?
Thomas: YOU LITTLE @#$%!!!! I'M NOT FAT!!!!
With the help of a ridiculous sudden stroke of luck, Thomas makes it across the lake and perfectly lines up his wheels with the tracks on the other side just as the ice gives away from his weight.
Thomas: OH NO, I REALLY AM FAT!! AAHHHHHHHHHH *zooms at the speed of light*
Helmet: ALRIGHT EVERYONE WHO WANTS HOT CHOCOLATE
Everyone: MEEEEEEEE...EEEEE....EEEEYYEEEEEE
ADL: SHADDUP *decapitates everyone and takes hot chocolate for himself, Charlie, Pixie, and Adam*
Helmet: *walks back to front* Oh well, at least the Merry Walrus won't have a hard ti.me choosing who gets the first gift of Merry Walru- that kid is right, this holiday is confusing!
Thomas: *looks up ahead and sees a bunch of four-legged animals standing on the tracks* AHHHHHHHHHH *slams on brakes*
Helmet: What? What is it?! Are there reindeer on the tracks again?! *looks out window and sees sign* Oh.
Sign: MLP Crossing
Helmet: It's fine Thomas, no one's gonna care if we kill only a few thousand ponies.
Thomas: *explains the concept of bronies and what they do to people who do anything to MLP*
Helmet: ...Dang it. Well, how do you suggest we get them to move?
Pixie: I have an idea!
Helmet: UGH CAN'T ANYONE JUST STAY IN THEIR FREAKING SEATS FOR MOAR THAN TWO AND A HALF SECONDS
Pixie: ...
Helmet: ...Er, I mean... what's your idea?