Buckley Reads Tweets: One Direction Edition (Tweeting Rainbow)

*sighs*
Okay, look, I know I tell some jokes and say some funny stuff while I talk about things sometimes...but, I need to take a moment to be serious. This week, a major disaster took place that affected the lives of a large number of people. "The German airliner that crashed into the French Alps and killed 150 people?" No, you fucking idiot! I said, something major! "Zayn left One Direction!"
*theme song plays*
Welcome to a special Tweeting Rainbow that I call, "Buckley Reads Tweets from Depressed Tweens"! This week, Zayn left One Direction citing personal issues. Something about someone posting a picture of him with some chick that wasn't his girlfriend or wife or who fucking cares, doesn't matter. One Direction has four members instead of five now. And naturally, this got the kids on Twitter more cranky than the time they missed their nap and juice. Now, I get it. Teens and tweens are an irrational ball of developing emotions who freak out over nothing. I know, I'm not a lab experiment...I was a kid once. But that doesn't make these tweets any less ridiculous. Let's see how the kiddies took the news of a man choosing to leave a band. 
"I'm literally so numb right now
This can't be real"
Oh, it's real! Sometimes, adults make decisions to change careers. And if this reality show-losing singer has saved any of the money he made off these pre-pubescents, he probably doesn't have to work again for really ever. 
"Just one more day give us one more day together guys", says @ZAYN IM SAD. Because one more day would be enough. Then it's another day, then it's a week, then a year, then you want them to keep doing it until you're the one who's sick of them 'cause you grew up and got a job and realized how silly you were when you were 12. 
"WHY DOES THIS HURTS SO MUCH"
Because you don't know what real tragedy is? We do have a comparison, though, that may explain why this hurts so much.
"I cant eat,drink nothing is like if someone died I'm very sad"
It's like someone died! You know, I really hope there isn't an afterlife. Because if I were a parent of one of these shitty kids and eventually I died, and I was looking down from Heaven at the funeral, my fucking kid better be crying way harder than they were the day they found that a guy from a boyband left. I'd be pretty fucking offended if they weren't. In fact, I'd haunt the fuck out of them. "Hey! Remember when Zids or Zyann or Zork or whoever the fuck left that band, and you cried and you couldn't eat or drink for like two days? And then I died a few years later and you stopped for tacos after the funeral? Yeah, well fuck you! I'm gonna make sure every house you live in creaks and has doors slamming in the middle of the night until you end up in a fucking mental institution, which is where I wanted to put you back when you were crying about some pop singer but your mom said it was just a phase!"
Now, if there are any cardiologists watching...if you're looking to do any sort of volunteer disaster relief, perhaps you can work with all these poor devastated Directioners because this apparently caused a lot of heart problems.
"THIS JUST SHATTERED MY HEART"
"THIS JUST BROKE MY HEART"
"THERE IS A HOLE BURNING IN MY HEART"
That one seems particularly concerning...never heard of that before.
"I feel like someone has just stabbed me in the heart"
Was it with a burning dagger? Because that might be the cause of the previous tweeter's problem. All of this, too, very odd comparisons.
"Tbh, when I first heard that Zayn left 1D, I thought it was a joke I realized it wasn't & I felt like I got hit by a bus.. My heart stopped"
You have no fuckin' idea what it feels like! Like I get if someone's like, "I feel like I got punched in the stomach" or "I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me". It's still stupid, but I get it. Generally, if you know what it's like to be stabbed or hit by a bus, you know what it's like for about 30 seconds before you bleed out or die. This person's heart stopped, but, lucky for all of us, started pumping up again just in time for her to write a bunch of nonsensical hyperbole on the Internet. Speaking of hyperbole...
"Zayn is my everything without him i am nothing"
Don't worry, kid. You were probably nothing before you heard of Zayn so, nothing's really changed there.
"My life is over:("
It's over, everyone! Get the child-sized coffin. A person with a possible life expectancy of 80 years just found out that a person is doing something they don't want him to do. So there's no point in continuing on past the first 1/7th or 1/8th of their lives.
"I am complete and broken mess right now i just want to die i never thought i would care so much for a person"
A person who doesn't even know who you are! You wanna die because a person who has no fucking clue who you are is going to do something else besides sing to dumb teenagers! Solid idea! Seriously, if you feel this way, get help. Go to your parents and say, "Hey, so I'm suicidal because of something extremely unimportant that happened in the world today. I need to see a psychiatrist or go to a hospital or call a hotline or something" and hopefully you'll finally get the help you need because you're delusional...just like this person.
"it didnt even feel like zayn was a band member it felt like he was my friend who i loved more than anything"
He wasn't. He wasn't your friend. He doesn't know who you are. I'm sure he probably wrote a tweet once to his 14 million followers where he told you he was your friend when he wasn't busy writing other inspiring and insightful tweets like, "Fuck a beat ... I go acapella ..." and "Pac man ! Great invention". But he wasn't your friend. He never was going to be, and he never will be. This person was holding out hope, though.
"That moment when you realize you'll never meet Zayn... I'm heartbroken."
This was the moment! On March 25, 2015 around 5 or 6pm Eastern daylight time was the first time you realized that you wouldn't meet a guy from one of the biggest pop acts in the world. If you had have realized about four years ago like an intelligent person, you'd probably have been spared some of that heartbreak.
"he saved millions of people but millions of people couldn't save him"
Zayn's superhero-like people saving abilities were upgraded about an hour later.
"He saved billions but billions couldn't save him"
Billions! He didn't save billions, in fact he didn't save millions of people. I read that Zayn once saved Harry from his hair catching on fire after the idiot almost walked into some pyrotechnics on stage. I think that's probably the closest he ever came to saving one life. "He saved us through his music, idiot! People called us losers and we were depressed. But he told us we were beautiful and we got that one thing and he made us better about our lives!" People called you losers because you do things like obsess over five British 20-somethings that didn't give a fuck about you, and you spent all day on the Internet talking about them and defending them.
"zayn probably will change his bio very soon and I swear I'll lose everything at that moment"
Everything! Family, friends, health, material possessions, all gone! Again, if I was one of these kids' parents, I'd feel offended. I'd wanna sit them down and say, "You honestly feel like you have nothing without some fucker you never met? We've given you everything! And beyond that, you're a fucking child! You have no responsibilities, you have no one who really depends on you, you have nothing to worry about! Someone else feeds you and clothes you and puts a roof over your head, pays for your Internet so you can fuck around crying with other kids about something that doesn't matter. The fact that you even have time to worry about some guy in some fucking kids' pop group is a prime example of how amazing your life is right now. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!" 
Don't worry, though. Another group of poorly-adjusted mentally unstable children have your backs.
"I feel very sorry for all directioners, if you ever need anything the 5sosfam are here for you heart"
Yes, people obsessed with another boy group, 5 Seconds of Summer, will be happy to help you get through this. As long as they don't have to, ya know, actually do anything physically, because they can't, because it's Twitter. 
And finally, we have a message to rally the troops.
"THIS IS SO VERY IMPORTANT PLS RT TO SPREAD THE WORD FOR ZAYN'S SAKE"
We have a letter...also all caps.
"WE HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO ZAYN. WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE HE'S OKAY. THAT HIS MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT IN DANGER."
Yes! Delusional children need to worry about the mental health of an adult who's made a career decision. Funny enough, one of the reasons as being claimed for why Zayn is leaving One Direction is because he's sick of the fame. He wants exactly the opposite. He doesn't want you to pay attention to him. He wants you to finally leave him the fuck alone. He wants to live a private life with his girlfriend instead of being pestered everywhere he fucking goes by a bunch of dipshits who think they're his friends because they listen to him on the radio and watch videos of him on YouTube. You actually love him as much as you claim? Then leave him the fuck alone and let him do what he wants, you dumb little shits! And you wanna worry about someone's mental health? Look in the fucking mirror! You're now face to face with the person who really needs help.
So...what have we learned today? 
A) A guy leaving your favorite band is very similar to homicide or vehicular manslaughter.
B) Zayn has saved more people than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and Captain American combined.
And C) Children have the fragile hearts of a 70-year old smoker who ate a plate of bacon every day of his life.
And that closes the browser on another edition of Tweeting Rainbow!