Episode 421: Doug Henning/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 421: Doug Henning.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter 	Oh Doug? Doug Henning? Thirty seconds to curtain, Doug.
Doug 	I'm rehearsing, Scooter. Come on over and watch.
Scooter 	Oh, great. I love magic.
 	
Doug 	(chuckles) Wonderful, because this is a very beautiful illusion with my bare hands, and four very beautiful seashells.
 	He shakes the shells out of the bag, places them on a black cloth, and does his trick.
Doug 	(cont'd) Some sleight of hand. The poetry of magic.
 	The shells move from under one hand to another.
Doug 	You like it?
Scooter 	Wow! Your magic feats are amazing!
Doug 	Well, I thank you, and my "magic feets" thank you.
 	
Doug's shoes	Oh, thank you! Thank you very much!
 	Doug and Scooter laugh.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Doug Henning! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
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Waldorf	(begging to above) Oh, please, don't make us watch it again!
Statler	(laughs)
 	
 	As Gonzo blows the final note, he begins to disappear from the waist up. His head remains.
Gonzo 	Goodbye! (disappears completely)
==Opening number==
 	Kermit enters, a sheet of paper in hand.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And folks, are you going to be amazed and astounded tonight. Because our very special guest star is that master magician, Mr. Doug Henning.
 	The audience "ooos."
 	
Kermit 	Right! But, first...but first (reading the sheet) "For this very special evening, we have a very special lady." Uh, "It is my pleasure to appear with our own, adorable Miss Piggy, the gifted and glamorous..."
 	Miss Piggy stands in the wings, reading her own copy of the script along with Kermit.
Kermit & Piggy	"Beguiling and sensuous, and sensational star of The Muppet Show."
Piggy 	Good. (exits)
Kermit 	"So, welcome if you will, the most beautiful pig in the world." (to the camera) She wrote that. (chuckles)
Piggy 	(off-screen) DON'T TELL THEM!
Kermit 	Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy! Yaaay!
 	
 	Miss Piggy sings "It's Magic" while Kermit appears and disappears.
Statler 	Know the trick I'd like the frog to do?
Waldorf 	What's that?
Statler 	Make us disappear! (both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie is dressed as a magician, with a magic hat on a table. Robin watches.
Fozzie 	Okay, Robin. Ha-ha, here we go. (pointing to his sleeves) Nothing here. Nothing here. (pointing to his head) And nothing here. Ahhh! Alright, now I'm going to pull a rabbit out of this hat. One, two, three, presto!
 	
 	A small rabbi appears from the hat.
Rabbi 	Shalom.
Robin 	Fozzie, that's not a rabbit, it's a rabbi!
Rabbi 	You was expecting the Pope, maybe?
Fozzie 	Uh, sir, get down, please. Get down, sir.
Rabbi 	Ugh. (shrinks back into the hat)
Fozzie 	We'll try it again, okay? A rabbit out of a hat! One, two, three, presto!
 	
 	A beeping robot appears from the hat.
Robin 	Fozzie, that's not a rabbit, it's a robot!
Robot 	You were expecting R2-D2, maybe?
Fozzie 	Get down, get down.
 	The robot disappears back into the hat, still beeping.
Fozzie 	Excuse me, Robin. (yelling into the hat) Hey! H-where's the rabbit?!
Voice (SW) 	(from inside the hat) He's asleep!
Fozzie 	Uh, w-well, wake him up! This is big time! All right, a rabbit out of a hat. One, two, three, presto!
 	A rabbit flies out of the hat and lands next to Fozzie.
Fozzie 	H-hey, I did it!
Rabbit (SW)	You shouldn't a'tapped the hat so hard!
Fozzie 	Why not?
 	Another rabbit flies out of the hat.
Rabbit (SW)	See what I mean?
 	More and more rabbits fly out of the hat, screaming and among other wallah.
Fozzie 	No, stop! Hey, everybody! Can't ch'a stop?! H-hey, c'mon, guys! Isn't there any way to stop this?!
Rabbit (SW)	There is, but, they don't teach us that in rabbit school.
 	
Fozzie 	Ahhh! Kermit!
 	Fozzie runs toward the stage. The rabbits all follow, chanting, "Daddy."
==Doug's magic act==
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, when Miss Piggy and I sang...
 	Fozzie runs through, screaming and followed by the rabbits, calling out, "Daddy!"
Kermit 	Um, uh, as I was saying, when Miss Piggy and I sang "It's Magic" a few minutes ago, we used a whole lot of electronic trickery. Uh, you will see none of that in the next few minutes because here is the real magic of Mr. Doug Henning! Yaaay!
 	
 	Accompanied by two Mutations, Doug recruits an assistant for his magic act. The assistant is placed inside a box constructed of four pieces, into which metal sheets are inserted. Doug and the Mutations pull the pieces apart, dance around with them a bit, and then put them back together. As they open the doors to reveal the assistant, his head and waist have swapped places. Doug and the Mutations take a bow, but the assistant is furious and chases the magician off stage.
Waldorf	Did you ever see anything put together worse than that?
Statler	Yeah, my first wife. (they both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	Surrounded by Robin and the rabbits, Fozzie wipes his brow with a golden handkerchief.
Fozzie 	Okay. Now, here is a terrific trick. Notice the egg and the handkerchief.
 	Fozzie covers the egg with the handkerchief.
Fozzie 	And now, I say, "Hocus pocus." (removes the handkerchief) Egg is gone! Ah-ha, huh? Thank you, thank you.
 	The rabbits grumble as Fozzie dons his top hat.
Robin 	Wow! You made the egg disappear! Now, that's what I call real magic!
Rabbit (SW)	It's under his hat.
Robin 	It's where?
Rabbit (DG)	Under his hat.
Rabbit (JH)	Take off your hat! Take off the hat!
 	
 	Fozzie embarrassingly removes his hat, revealing the egg sitting on the peak of his head. The rabbits all laugh.
Robin 	It was under his hat. It was only a trick. (leaves)
Fozzie 	Awww. Would you guys stop blowing my act, please?
Rabbits 	Awww, we're sorry, daddy!
Fozzie 	And I am not your daddy! I'm a bear, not a rabbit!
==Dressing room==
 	Robin hops into Doug's dressing room, which is empty.
Robin	Doug? Huh, he's not here. Huh, maybe he made himself disappear. Oh, look at the magic stuff. Oh, I wonder if there's any magic in here.
 	
 	Robin opens a tiny music box. He sits on the chair and sings "Leave Me Some Magic."
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
Announcer	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
 	Nurse Piggy bats at a rabbit in the doorway.
Piggy 	Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Rowlf 	We've got to get down to business, Nurse Piggy. I'm running out of patience!
Janice 	That's what you think, Dr. Bob.
 	
 	Dr. Bob notices the pair of rabbits on the operating table.
Rowlf 	Holy guacamole! What have we here?
 	Dr. Bob pulls a rabbit out of the table, where it's replaced by another...and another...and another...
Announcer	And so we've come to the end of the beginning of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, where you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf 	This has been a hare-raising experience! (all laugh)
Janice 	Oh, fer sure! Rully...
==UK spot==
 	Fozzie, followed by his rabbit posse, passes by a farmer backstage.
Fozzie	Aw, c'mon. Leave me alone!
Farmer	Uh, aw, hey! Could I have your rabbits?
Fozzie	Hey, be my guest! (exits, laughing)
Farmer	Hey, bunnies! Gather 'round!
 	
 	The farmer begins to sing "Run Rabbit Run." When he starts firing his gun, Fozzie and the rabbits start singing the chorus, hoping to save their skins. The farmer looks for the rabbits and finds them hiding behind Fozzie.
Farmer	Ah ha!
Fozzie	Oh, d-don't! They're good, little rabbits!
Farmer	Yeah. They'll be better with mushroom gravy!
Fozzie	Here we go again!
 	Fozzie, the farmer and the rabbits sing another chorus. The farmer fires his gun wildly about and the rabbits run and fly all over.
Fozzie	RUN! (picks up a rabbit) Save yourself, rabbit! (tosses it away) Ahh! C'mon, you guys! Get outta here!
Farmer	Maybe I'll just settle for roast bear!
 	The farmer chases Fozzie away as the music ends.
==Dressing room==
 	Doug is about to sit down, and almost sits on Robin.
Robin	Yipe!
Doug 	Robin!
Robin	Oh!
Doug 	What are you doing there?
Robin	Oh, I'm just shaking and screaming. What would you do?
Doug 	(sits down) I'm really sorry.
Robin	Oh, well, that's okay.
Doug 	Listen, Robin, I have some magic that will really make you feel better.
Robin	Heh. I doubt it.
Doug 	You do?
Robin	Yeah. Fozzie's been doing some magic tricks for me, and … they're really dumb.
 	
Doug 	Well, y'know, Robin, Fozzie hasn't really practiced and studied the art of magic. But y'know, Robin, there is real magic inside of each one of us. It's a magic that we all have that allows us to fulfill our dreams and turn them into reality. And all you have to do, Robin, is believe in your own magic. And then, nothing is impossible.
Robin	Really?
Doug 	Yeah, i-it's true. Look. I'm going to show you some magic now that's just like you.
Robin	You mean it's green?
Doug 	No, it's small.
 	As lively music plays, he hands Robin a yellow tissue, then makes a white tissue dance in his own hand.
Robin	Wow.
Doug 	Your turn.
 	Robin tries to do what Doug just did, but puts the yellow tissue in his mouth and dances instead. Doug commands the dancing white tissue to jump in the bottle. He displays the yellow tissue. The white touches the yellow, and the yellow comes alive and dances. Robin is mesmerized as the tissues jump in and out of the bottle.
Robin	Wow.
 	Doug puts a cork on the bottle. Applause.
=="There'll Be Some Changes Made"==
	
	The Switcheroos sing "There'll Be Some Changes Made". Their act consists of dancing around in front of a tree while they instantly transform their costumes in a blink. The transformations eventually lead to changing their heads into babies and old ladies.
==Backstage==
 	The Switcheroos exit from the stage.
Kermit 	Okay, nice number, ladies! Nice number.
Switcheroos 	Thank you.
 	
Switcheroo (SW)	Well
Switcheroo (LG)	we were gonna
Switcheroo (KM)	call ourselves
Switcheroo (SW)	"The Switcheroos,"
Switcheroo (LG)	but, we keep
Switcheroo (KM)	changing
Switcheroo (SW)	our
Switcheroo (LG)	minds.
Kermit 	Yeah. Well, uh, listen, give me a call if you find out who you are.
Fozzie 	(entering) Ker-Kermit, Kermit. Kermit, uh, would you please introduce my act next?
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
 	
Fozzie 	Would you bunnies leave me alone please?!
 	Fozzie leaves, pursued by a pair of rabbits.
Switcheroo (SW)	Say, he's
Switcheroo (LG)	kinda nervous
Switcheroo (KM)	isn't he?
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, well, give him a break. He's been dodging rabbits all day.
 	Kermit leaves, as more bunnies head toward the stage.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	And now, we present, despite heart-rending appeals from Magicians' Union, that maladroit master of mangled mystification, Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens. Fozzie comes out as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Ah-ha! Thank you, thank you and thank YOU! Alright. Now. I will perform the famous Indian rope trick. But, I must have absolute silence for this to work!
 	The bunnies watch from the wings, giggling. As Fozzie plays his pungi, the rabbits watch the rising rope closely (which is very obviously attached to a string). They look above them to the fly system grid.
Rabbit (DG)	Hey, who's that kid up there?
Rabbit (SW)	What's he doing?
Rabbit (DG)	Well, he's holding some kind of rope. Hey! Be careful!
Fozzie 	(pauses playing) C'mon — would you guys please stop it??
 	His hat accidentally falls off, revealing the hatched egg on his head.
 	
Fozzie 	I don't know what happened! It used to be an egg! (the rabbits laugh) C'mon, guys, would you leave me alone, please!
 	He picks up the basket, causing Scooter to fall from the rafters.
Scooter 	(gets up) Wow. Lucky I landed on something soft.
 	Fozzie sways, dazed.
Rabbit (DG)	Due to technical difficulties, the Indian rope trick has been canceled.
 	The rabbits laugh, Fozzie's fanfare plays and the curtain closes. Applause.
==Doug's magic act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay! And now, it's time for REAL magic — (notices a rabbit) — it's time for real magic, once again, our very special guest, performing his most famous illusion, Mr. Doug Henning! YAAAY!
 	The rabbit mimes Kermit's actions offstage. The curtain opens on Doug.
Doug 	I need a volunteer to examine this trunk.
 	Doglion joins him and the Bird Dancers, demonstrating the sturdiness of the trunk.
Doug 	C'mon over here … c'mon in here …
 	Doug invites a female Bird Dancer to submit to hand shackles, being tied up in a cloth bag, and locked inside the trunk.
Doug 	… there, now put it on that one … hold on to the sack, way up high … there we go … c'mon, get inside, like this … don't forget the keys, hold out your hand … there we go.
 	Drumroll: Doug stands on the trunk which has been hidden behind a curtain.
Doug 	Now, don't blink your eyes, or you'll miss … metamorphosis! One two!
 	
 	He ducks down behind the curtain while the Bird Dancer pops up and drops the curtain revealing the locked trunk. Doglion and the Dancers unlock the trunk to reveal Doug in the same hand shackles, having changed his costume. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, we've seen a lot of fantastic magic tonight. But before we make our final disappearing act, let us bring back the incredible Mr. Doug Henning! Yaaay!
Doug 	(entering) Thank you!
Kermit 	Yeah!
Doug 	Thank you. (chuckles) Kermit, I've just had a wonderful time tonight.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Doug 	Hey! Let's bring out your own magician, the incredible Fozzie Bear!
 	
 	Fozzie enters, surrounded by the rabbits.
Fozzie 	Thank you, thank you... hey, Doug. I'm really sorry about all this.
Doug 	Oh, that's okay. I love rabbits too.
Rabbit (DG)	(gasps) You love rabbit stew?!
 	The rabbits begin to gang up on Doug.
Fozzie 	No! He didn't say that!
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie 	(amid chaos) They're very sensitive!
 	
 	A rabbit pops up in Statler and Waldorf's box, as Looney Tunes-esque rings appear around him.
Rabbit (SW)	(stutters) That's all, folks!
 	Waldorf knocks him out with a mallet. The two geezers laugh.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts