Apology Tour/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Apology Tour". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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[The episode opens with water filling a large pool. Stolas lays down in a lounge chair beside a tea table under a royal tent in his garden, reading a book with a cup of wine on a table next to him. Blitzo appears a little ways away, climbing over the brick wall.]
Blitzo: Hello, hello, hello, Stolas! You have- AH!
[Stolas takes notice, but scowls at Blitzo for the harsh and heartbreaking words he said the night before. He covers his face in his book as Blitzo falls into the bushes, climbing out, yanking a carnivorous plant off of biting his foot as he walks up to talk.]
Blitzo: You haven't been answering my texts, and I sent you a bunch of funny shit. So, what gives?
Stolas: I was hoping my lack of "ha ha's" in response to the photos you sent would be an indicator I didn't want to talk right now.
Blitzo: Oh, come on, Stolas, we just had a rough night. 'Sides, you always want to hear from me.
[Trying to get his attention, Blitzo uses his finger to press down the middle of the book so he and Stolas would be eye to eye. Stolas sighs as he closes the book in his hand.]
Stolas: Blitzo. What is it you want?
Blitzo: I wanna feel like I'm earning my way to Earth! 'Kay? So get your tight, feathered ass out of that lawn chair and into the bedroom so I can fuck it!
[Blitzo climbs on top of Stolas as he speaks, but the latter does not reciprocate the intentions. Stolas frowns as he gets out of the chair and moves to the tea table.]
Stolas: [sarcastically] Wow. Poetry. I'm sure such a statement would have had me swooning by now.
[Blitzo was shocked that his usual sexual intentions wasn’t working on Stolas and how Stolas is now cold toward him.]
Blitzo: Uhhh, I- Sh- Yeah, sure that wa- Okay, that was a shitty way for me to say it- But you usually like it when I talk all dirty, and fucky, and shit.
[Stolas stops in his tracks, and turns his head to scowl at Blitzo, the sound effect of a crow cawing being heard.]
Blitzo: Come on, we don't do words, we do sex!
Stolas: As shocking as this might seem, Blitzo- [eye twitches] I don't think I'm in the mood to [finger quotes] "do sex" with you. In fact, I don't think I'm even in the mood to do words with you! [walks off] So, how about you respect that?
Blitzo: [follows] Oh, come on, Stolas. you can't mean that. You always love seeing this.
Stolas: Seeing you right now is hard! I don't want to feel worse than I already do.
[As Stolas puts down his book, he picks up a folded envelope with the words "You're invited" on it.]
Stolas: It's bad enough I got an invite to this anti-Blitzo party- An honorary invite for being your freshest ex.
Blitzo: "Anti-Blitzo party"? Who the fuck's behind this?! [reaches for the invitation]
Stolas: Oh, it's entirely immature. I'd never indulge this nonsense, it's silly.
Blitzo: Real silly. [rips invitation out of Stolas's hand] Real fucking classy.
Stolas: Kind of them to invite me, though. It might be rude not to make an appearance.
[wanting to get to the bottom of this, Blitzo opens the invitation and is shocked to find who it's signed by]
Blitzo: Verosika?! Of course, that fucking bitch.
Stolas: I will say, it's rather concerning you have an entire party devoted to hating you though, Blitzo.
Blitzo: Oh, please, [gives envelope back] everyone hates me for shitty reasons. [sits at tea table] In the end, everyone's just bitter they couldn't tie this ass down. [puts legs on table] I'm too much imp to simp!
Stolas: You really think that's the reason?
Blitzo: Yessir, they couldn't handle that I moved on.
Stolas: [walks up to table] Oh! So you're used to being the one who crushes others' feelings, hm?
Blitzo: If by [imitates Stolas mockingly] "crushes other's feelings" you mean- [slides finger across throat] end shit before it gets serious, then bingo. I'm doing everyone a favor because relationships are boring.
Stolas: [scowls] Oh, yes, very boring. So what are you doing here, then?
Blitzo: Uh, I- Waiting for you to realize how good an angry fuck would be right now!
Stolas: Get out! [points to the exit] Right now!
Blitzo: What?
Stolas: I'm tired of this. I'm uncomfortable how you're speaking to me now.
Blitzo: Oh, come on, Stolas. You can't tell me this isn't a fantasy of yours. [gets up on the table] You want me to show your rich, prince-y ass what a real fuckin' is. [pulls on Stolas’s robe]
Stolas: Stop it! [walks away]
Blitzo: Ha! I'm right, aren't I? [gets off the table] You get off to getting plowed by people you look down on.
Stolas: I don't look down on you! How many times do I ha- When have I ever?! You speak just like that vile Striker friend of yours. The one who tried to kill me and you couldn't be bothered to come help me. Remember him?
Blitzo: Hey, look- I do not sound like- I- And I didn't know he was capable- I- I stopped him the first time, didn't I?
Stolas: [chirps in surprise] The first time?
Blitzo: Yeah, the- [realizes he never told Stolas about Striker] Oh. Oops. I- Uh- No, who said tha- I- [scratches his head]
Stolas: You knew someone was trying to assassinate me?
Blitzo: I, I- I stopped him! And I- I really didn't think you could actually get hurt, you're immortal and shit! You're a fucking prince!
[A shocked Stolas picks up his book and begins walking away, with Blitzo following]
Blitzo: If me and my team could kick that guy's ass that easily, then I'm sure you'd have no problem.
Stolas: I suppose you are right, silly me. It's not an imp's place to protect a Goetia, is it?
Blitzo: And there it is. Took ya long enough!
Stolas: That's all you were waiting for, wasn't it? For me to play into this idea you have of me that I'm this prince who thinks he's so much better than you. Well, I don't! Why would I allow everyone to see how much I like you? How I've tried so fucking hard to spend time with you, to support you? You don't owe me those things, but you can't just ignore all that!
Blitzo: You know, Stolas... I've spent the entirety of this morning listening to love ballads, [grabs Stolas' hand and pulls him closer] and that was still the GAYEST thing I've heard all day!
Stolas: [pulling away, further offended] Do you feel any kind of remorse for what you do? Have you ever even apologized once in your life?
Blitzo: [whips his tail around in anger] Oh, you think I can't apologize?! [sniffles] For what?! You want me to be like- Oh, sorry, this entire time I assumed the worst because I was convinced a prince could never love someone like me and I've let my self hatred stop me from apologizing to anyone I could ever care about! [Blitzo breaks down slightly as he describes what he thinks Stolas wants of him]
Stolas: [bird chirps are heard as he turns back to Blitzo, slightly surprised] Well, yes. That.
Blitzo: ...Weeell, fuck you! I can sorry the fuck out of people, just you watch! I sorried Fizz so hard he cried! [Stolas walks up the stairs] And I can sorry more people, everyone but you! 'Cause I don't owe you dick!
[Stolas slams the door on Blitzo]
Blitzo: Everyone but you...
[Cuts to Blitzo in his apartment laying on his couch, then getting up and getting a cup of coffee.]
Blitzo: I can totally apologize to the people I've fucked with. [gets into his car] I mean how many people could there possibly be?
[Blitzo writes up a list of names in order, with the fiirst 3 being: "Moxxie?", "Annoying Kid", "Southern Bitch". Blitzo is then seen knocking on the door of who is revealed to be Martha.]
Martha: Yes? Oh. It's you.
Blitzo: Heeey, Martha, look, I know we killed you in the past, but I just wanted to say no hard feelings and offer this? 
[Blitzo hands Martha an apology basket, consisting of wads of cheese, bottles of hot sauce, and a note saying "sorry", putting it in her hands. Behind her, Mrs. Mayberry, emerges from a bedroom, wrapped in a towel and sopping wet, just coming out of a shower. she flips her hair back before stopping in her tracks, noticing Blitzo. He looks at her, and smiles seductively at Martha, who turns to see a flustered Mayberry looking at them.]
Martha: Yeah, that's fuckin' right.
[Martha closes the door, and Blitzo pulls up the list again to cross off her name, along with two other new names: "Guy I Ran Over" and "Hot Bouncer".]
[Cuts to Agent One and Agent Two both looking bored, before Blitzo appears from a portal with a card that reads "Sowy :c" with a horse on it. Blitzo then winks at them and leaves, as they scramble to try and catch him. Blitzo crosses their names off the list and opens a portal to Ozzie's in the Lust Ring, where he gives Jesse flowers with the same sorry card, stomping on one of the people in the queue as he does. Afterwards, Blitzo is about to text an apology to Stolas, but second guesses himself, deleting his message. In the Greed Ring, the mascot of Loo Loo Land is seen next to a campfire. Blitzo then appears in a stroller and stuffs the apology gift into his eyeball. Another portal opens on Earth as Blitzo tosses a gift into the pile of dead bodies in the site of the room he had a massive fight in at original D.H.O.R.K.S Facility. Cuts to Blitzo on stage at an acting awards ceremony in a dress and wig about to apologize to the audience. Blitzo then tries to text Stolas an apology again, but holds back. Cuts again to the current D.H.O.R.K.S. Facility, where alarms are going off and Agent One, Agent Two, a 3rd Agent, a priest and The Cherubs (who are still recovering from their injuries) are poised around where Blitzo dropped off his apology card, weapons raised. Blitzo then opens a portal right behind Cletus to give him an 'apology' card, which instead just has a few insults directed at the Cherubs.]
Blitzo: [closes the party invitation] All right, and now onto the exes, who are all in one place... [sighs] Yay.
[Blitzo gives a worried expression as he rubs his crystal, which makes it generate a portal to Earth. Cuts to Earth where a portal is opened and Blitzo's car runs over a jack o'lantern.]
Blitzo: Hey, buddy, you know where 666 South Maple Avenue might be?
Halloween Guy: Down that way, demon dude! Sick costume, bruh.
Grandpa: Hey, Happy Halloween! Oh, looks like you missed some makeup there.
Blitzo: Thanks! It's my face. [drives off down the road]
[Cuts to inside the party with Stolas just arriving]
Stolas: [pouring himself a drink] The one day a year the spirits can rise amongst the living and it's spent celebrating mutual pettiness.
Sailor Demon: Uh, what?
Stolas: Oh! Nothing! [laughs] I was talking to myself.
Sailor Demon: [sarcastically] Cool, man, I wish I was you... [walks off]
[Stolas starts drinking, as Verosika Mayday dances over, noticing Stolas]
Verosika: Hello, freshest ex! Stolas! [kisses Stolas on the cheek] How're you doing baby, you holding up okay?
Stolas: Oh, I'm fine, I felt it rude not to stop by. I don't get invited out much, but, I really shouldn't stay long.
Verosika: Well, I'm glad you could make it, honey. [clinks her cup with Stolas']
Stolas: Well, this certainly beats the last Earth party I attended on Hallows' Eve.
[Cuts to worshippers torturing a blindfolded man, knife held over his chest. Stolas is standing to the side, looking bored while holding a drink in his hand]
Masked Worshipper: All hail the demon prince, Stolas.
Stolas: I was told there would be cake? [blood splatters onto him which freaks him out]
[Cuts back to Stolas drinking his cup]
Verosika: Speaking of cake, you wanna slice it?
[Verosika pulls Stolas over to the Blitzo cake, with multiple arrows in its chest and a machete down its forehead.]
Stolas: Oh... Eugh.
Verosika: I like to start with the neck. [pulls out a knife] Or the dick.
Stolas: Eugh...
Verosika: You're right. Nobody wants his dick, anyway. [violently stabs the crotch of the cake which makes Stolas uncomfortable.]
Stolas: I- I think I'm content without slicing any of it.
Verosika: Well, live it up, baby, you are with friends here. Fuck Blitzo in the fucking ass! 
[A crowd of Succubi and other assorted demons are seen cheering. Cuts to Verosika slicing the head off the cake while laughing. Stolas is shocked as more demons are seen torturing miniature toys of Blitzo, and walks away.]
Blitzo: [enters the party] W-o-ow. Have I fucked this many people? Christ on a stick, I should start keeping count.
Blitzo: [half-heartedly apologizing to random demons] Sorry for the comment I made at your sister's wedding, though she did deserve it, she's a whore. Sorry for fucking your mom, though I thought it was your dad.
[Blitzo sees a piñata made of him hanging by a noose and quickly rushes to hide, grabbing a tablecloth to cover under.]
Unicorn Costumed Demon: Hey!
Everyone nearby looks at Blitzo now hiding under the tablecloth though they don't recognize him quick enough.
Blitzo: He did it. [points at Dennis]
[Blitzo quickly runs away.]
Unicorn Costumed Demon: Way to go, Dennis. You fucking suck.
Unnamed succubus: Yeah, you suck, Dennis!
[Cuts to Blitzo taking a peek outside, before hiding in a crowd looking for Stolas. He sees him off to the side before realising Verosika is on stage]
Verosika: [laughs] Now- 
Blitzo: Oh, shit-
Verosika: —It's time to hear from the special, new guest of honor of the night- Stolas! Get up here, and say a few words!
Stolas: [spits out drink] Oh, no. No, no, no. No. I'm not really, um, hehe. [is pushed onto the stage] Uh, I really shouldn't, I-
Verosika: Tell us all about your experience with Blitzo. That cock-sucking motherfucker! C'mon baby, speak from your heart. We all here know how you feel.
Stolas: Um. Oh, ahahaha, um.
[Stolas looks into the crowd for a moment before singing.]
Stolas: ♫ I let you get too close ♫
♫ I let it go too far ♫
♫ Now I know, now I know ♫
♫ Now I know exactly what you are ♫
Verosika and Tex: ♫ Na-na-na, na na, na ♫
♫ A motherfucker ♫
♫ Na-na-na, na na, na ♫
♫ A motherfucker ♫
Stolas: ♫ I don't think you meant to hurt me ♫
♫ 'Cause I don't think it meant a thing at all ♫
All: ♫ At all, at all, at all ♫
[While singing this line, Blitzo slowly makes his way to the front of the audience, looking saddened.]
♫ At all, at all, at all ♫
Stolas: ♫ At all, at all, to you ♫
Verosika and Tex: ♫ Na-na-na, na na, na ♫
All: ♫ The motherfucker ♫
♫ Na-na-na, na na, na ♫
♫ The motherfucker ♫
[Transitions to inside Stolas's mansion.]
Stolas: ♫ I let it go too long ♫
♫ I let you go too deep ♫
♫ Now I know, now I know ♫
♫ Now I know there's one thing I can't keep ♫
[Visual representations of the sun and moon appear behind Stolas.]
♫ But I, I keep on waiting ♫
♫ Waiting to want you less than I do ♫
[Transitions into a location with several mirrors with Blitzo's image hanging from the ceiling. Some them are smiling until Stolas reaches out to them, upon which they adopt a scowl]
♫ And I do, oh, I do, yes I still do want you ♫
♫ But maybe it's all on me ♫
♫ For missing every sign and every glance and every turn ♫
[2 of the images of Blitzo turn into both Verosika and Vortex]
Verosika and Tex: ♫ No, no, no, he's a motherfucker ♫
Stolas: ♫ Maybe there's something here for us to glean ♫
♫ For you to teach and me to try and learn ♫
[While singing that line, Stolas puts his hand on the picture and it shatters, along with the other ones.]
Verosika and Tex: ♫ No, no, no, he's a motherfucker ♫
Stolas: ♫ 'Cause I am not a thief, but you were mine to earn ♫
♫ What if I came on too strong? ♫
♫ What if I read this all wrong? ♫
♫ What if we just don't belong? ♫
♫ All this what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if ♫
♫ Why, why, why, why-why-why, makes me, burn! ♫
[Purple flame billows around Stolas as the scene transitions back to him singing on the stage.]
♫ Oh, I don't think you meant to hurt me ♫
♫ 'Cause I don't think it meant a thing at all! ♫
Verosika and Tex: ♫ Well, did it? ♫
Stolas: ♫ No, not at all ♫
Verosika and Tex: ♫ Didn't mean a Goddamn thing ♫
All: ♫ At all, at all, at all ♫
Band: ♫ Didn't mean a, didn't mean a ♫
Stolas: ♫ At all, at all, at all ♫
[While singing that line, Blitzo is seen teary-eyed, realising the weight of his actions and hides himself further under the tablecloth.]
Band: ♫ Didn't mean a, didn't mean a ♫
Stolas: ♫ At all, at all to you ♫
All: ♫ Na-na-na, na na, na ♫
♫ The motherfucker ♫
♫ Na-na-na, na na, na ♫
♫ The motherfucker ♫
[Transitions into an image of younger Blitzo and Stolas, which then tears in half to reveal their older selves, with Stolas pulling away first and Blitzo walking off.]
♫ Na-na-na, na na, na ♫
Stolas: ♫ The motherfucker... ♫
Stolas: Thank you for your time. [walks off the stage as the crowd cheers]
[Cuts to Blitzo seeing Stolas walk back into the party]
Verosika: Alrighty bitches, let's get wild!
Blitzo: [sighs]
[Cuts to Blitzo walking inside the building and up to a drunk Stolas]
Blitzo: Hey.
Stolas: [spits out drink] Blitzo?! What are you doing here? You're lucky everyone is drunk or you would be murdered right now.
Blitzo: Ah, no, it's good I'm in a disguise.
[Stolas pulls down the tablecloth on Blitzo to hide him, and walks him around while grabbing drinks.]
Blitzo: Wow. I've never seen you throw 'em back like this.
Stolas: Came just to judge me, is that it?
Blitzo: No, I just- This was the final stop on the apology tour I've been on today.
Stolas: Oh, yes, I recall. Everyone but me is getting your cheap apologies tonight, hm? Well, you certainly have your work cut out for you.
Blitzo: Look, how I acted this morning... It was fucked, okay?
Stolas: This morning? Ugh, why did you show up there? [falls backwards into Blitzo's arms] Why'd you show up here?
Blitzo: You already asked that, but look, I-I just really need to... To talk to you, to- to explain.
Stolas: Oh?
Blitzo: I've always been real shit at sorries, 'kay? They're for pussies and no one fuckin' deserves them anyway, but I felt maybe you actually needed one.
Stolas: [dramatically] Ooh, lucky me!
[Stolas falls off of Blitzo's lap and even a feather comes off of him. Blitzo helps guide Stolas over to the couch.]
Blitzo: Oh, shit. Okay, what I mean is, I said sorry a lot today and, honestly, didn't really mean any of it. Because the only one I wanted to say it to... Was you, Stolas. I just... This whole thing we had going... I'm- I mean you're a fucking prince. How could you ever actually care for an imp... Me? How could anybody?
Stolas: Blitzo. There is a crowd full of people here, who cared so much, they'd throw an entire fucking party about hating you, every year! Do you know how much you have to care to do something as stupid as that?
Blitzo: Stolas, you are better off without me. 'Kay? You deserve so much... I don't even know why you would want to be with me.
Stolas: You wanna know what I want? I want to know what it's like, to not be alone. I want to be someone's someone. I want to feel wanted. But like, in a romantic way, like I'm standing out in the rain at a train station and someone is shouting: “Harriet! Don’t get on that train, it’s going to London and I cannot be without you!”
[As Stolas continues the dramatic declaration, he stands up, catching the party goers' attention. Blitzo quickly covers his face to avoid being noticed. The party goers go back to what they were doing.]
Blitzo: Oh, Stolas, that's... a rom-com.
Stolas: [sits back down] Oh, fuck you. The point is, I just... want someone to care if I stay or go. I want someone to want... me! To want to see me. To hold me. To look at me and think "You're the only one I want!" [sheds tears] "I desire to hold you and talk to you, and never let you feel so..."
[As Stolas spoke, Blitzo feels more and more guilty with how horrible he treated him. and when Stolas crouches down, he leans his hand to stroke him, but stops when Stolas sits up.]
Stolas: You! Why are you here? I don't want you here, go home, please! Let me not feel so sad! [sobs, and then takes a deep breath]
[Blitzo is about to say something when an succubus suddenly appears]
"Better than Blitzo" Guy: Hey.
Stolas: [startled] Oh! Hello.
"Better than Blitzo" Guy: Great song earlier. You have great pipes.
Stolas: [wipes away tear] Thank you.
Blitzo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He sings fantastic, we're talking here!
"Better than Blitzo" Guy: Well, I just wanted to see if... [brushes back his hair] Maybe... I dunno... You'd wanna... Dance?
Stolas: You want... to... dance... with me?
"Better than Blitzo" Guy: [stands up] Yeah.
[Stolas looks between both demons. Blitzo sighs and gestures for him to go.]
Stolas: [excitedly] Okay!
[Blitzo watches as Stolas takes the guy's hand and leaves the room to dance. Blitzo walks to the door and watches as Stolas cheerfully dances before seeing Verosika walk up the stairs. He walks up the stairs and stands next to her, removing the sheet from his head.]
Blitzo: Hey, Ver.
Verosika: [annoyed] So, an "apology tour", huh? You got a lotta balls coming here, Blitzo. [smokes cigarette]
Blitzo: Yeah, I know. Everyone here hates me.
Verosika: Yep. That's the point, dumbass.
Blitzo: So, what, you're waiting for your sorry?
Verosika: Oh, fuck you, you little prick!
Blitzo: Well, I'm sorry for always telling it like it is, sister.
[Verosika doesn't reply. Instead, she just scowls at him and turns her gaze away, which annoys Blitzo.]
Blitzo: What? I'm just being honest! I'm sorry for dumping ya! Sorry for not falling head over heels for you! Or that guy or, fucking Dennis or- or anyone at this stupid fucking party! 
Verosika: Oh, you are so fucking SHITTY! Do you hear yourself?!
Blitzo: EVERYONE'S SHITTY! Hello, we live in Hell! Why am I suddenly the bad guy for sucking at relationships?!
Verosika: Are you expecting sympathy? [mockingly] Aww, poor Bwitzo, finawwy having to own that his actions affect other people's fee-fees! [scowls] Bitch, please.
[Verosika then leans on the rails, and Blitzo does the same. after a second or two, Verosika continues.]
Verosika: How do you think I felt? When the fun guy I was dating decided to just bail on me because I made the shitty mistake of saying I love... Ugh! It was the most embarrassing feeling. To be vulnerable for once and... you really just know how to send a message in the shittiest, fucking way. 
[As she speaks, Blitzo sits down, his legs poking through the rail bars, as he lets her words sink in, feeling, likely for one of the first times in his life, remorse.]
Verosika: The worst part is you still make me feel like a bad person for being angry at you now.
[Verosika kicks a bar off the rails. As she then sits down, she looks over at an imp throwing knives at a Blitzo shaped target, who then cries, another imp in a Beetlejuice cosplay comforting him.]
Verosika: But, hosting this party, for everyone else you've dicked over? At least I can help others cope with the shit you did. [notices Blitzo's defeated expression] What? No snarky comeback?
Blitzo: No. You're right. I actually am, ya' know... sorry. I-I don't want to be this way. Not forever.
[Verosika then gives a small smile, satisfied that Blitzo wants to change, before she looks to the dance floor, smirking.]
Verosika: Looks like Stolas is having a good time.
Blitzo: Yeah, well. He needs it.
[On the dance floor, Stolas dances with the succubus. the latter flies up a bit to be at eye level, before he holds the Goetia prince, and catches him by surprise with a kiss. Stolas returns in kind as they then depart, their tongues semi-wrapped with each other. Blitzo stares on in shock at what he was witnessing, and Verosika's smirk grows.]
Verosika: Oh, a really good time.
Blitzo: Oh, that bird-stealing cock bag! [growls]
Verosika: Hold it, Blitzo. Y’know, if you wanna change, it just starts with saying: “Good for him, hope he gets laid.” 
[Blitzo continues to growl with jealousy as he watches the scene. Down below, Stolas and the succubus depart from their kiss, and Verosika's words sink into his head, getting Blitzo to calm down. Verosika then hands a plate of Blitzo cake to Blitzo.] 
Verosika: Here, have some cake, fuckwad.
[Verosika stands up and leaves silently. Over You starts playing in the background as Blitzo stares at his plate of cake. Sighing, he puts the plate down, puts on his disguise and walks down the stairs. he looks to an succubus drinking on the stairs, visible tears in his eyes. Blitzo then sees two female demons in the background pulling a Blitzo shaped piñata apart, and hugging eachother. Blitzo then passes the dance floor, seeing Stolas dancing, seeing him happy. Blitzo leaves, closing the door behind him. As he walks, he passes other demons, including Wally Wackford who is handing out refreshments. Blitzo takes off his disguise and gets in his van. He turns on the radio, only for Over You to resume playing. Blitzo drops his head on the steering wheel, the horn blaring as the episode ends.]
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