How the Dick Saved Christmas

My neighbor Dick has always hated Christmas. Before, after, and now. He's a real dick. This, is the story of how the Dick hate Christmas. Grab a mug of hot chocolate, and enjoy.
It was a cold winter night on the 25th of December. Dick just got done opening up his Christmas gifts. All one of them. They were a pair of ugly green socks. He also had no family to celebrate the occasion with. Dick was scared, hungry, and suicidal. Things weren't looking good for ol' un-saint Dick. Until he heard a knock at the door. He answered it. A little boy offered him cookies for charity. He grabbed the box of cookies, smashed them to the ground, and stomped on them.
"I don't want your damn cookies!" the Dick said. The child ran away crying. Dick slammed the door, and continued to pout in his chair. He was tiered, about to fall asleep, until he heard a knock once more. He opened the door. It was sheriff Dallas, the local black cop with a nice goatee. The cop demanded to come inside. Dick let him in, and they had a chat. Dallas told Dick to stop being a dick about Christmas. He handed him a book titled "The 3 Phantoms of Christmas", and left. Dick sat there still pouting, staring at the book. Minutes later, he took to the bait, and began reading the book out loud. Big mistake!
There were three chapters. The first chapter was titled "The Phantom of Christmas Before". It was only one sentence long. "Riddle me this, and you'll get your wish. Don't be scared of clowns, or else you will leave town!" Dick scratched his dick head. Then, out of nowhere, the clown of Christmas before spawned in his house! The clown was dressed as ol' saint Nick, and he had a deadly axe! Dick fell back in his chair, and ran out of his house screaming. He ran so far he eventually left town. That's when Dick remembered the poem. "Don't be scared of clowns, or else you will leave town." Dick manned up, and ran back to his house in the freezing cold.
"Where are you? I ain't scared!" declared the Dick. The clown was no where to be seen in his humble home. He took a peak outside, and saw the clown chopping down a family's poor Christmas tree. Dick had to do what was right. He marched over to the clown. "Come on, hit me, I ain't scared!" Dick demanded. The clown knew Dick wasn't scared, and so it disappeared in to thin air. "I wish I hadn't been so scared at first." And thus, Dick's first wish was answered. His fear was taken away.
Dick marched back to his house a fearless man. So he wasn't afraid to read the second chapter, "The Phantom of Christmas After". "Riddle me this, and I'll grant you a wish. Flop like a fish, and get a free dish!" That's when the second phantom appeared in his living room. An alien elf! The elf pointed a laser gun at Dick. "Go ahead shoot, I ain't scared!" Dick demanded. Well, it did. The alien shot Dick. He was paralyzed, unable to move. He was then teleported to a space ship.
There was a giant gun attached to the outside of it, ready to blow up his town. However, there was nothing the Dick could do. He was paralyzed, and the only thing he could do was flop like a fish. And so he did. This freaked the alien out, making it accidentally turn the death laser on the ship. The ship blew up, making Dick fall into his house. It was a rough landing, but he was alright. There was freshly cooked ham beside him. He ate it, and was no longer hungry. He then began reading the final chapter, "The Phantom of Christmas Now".
"Riddle me this, I'll answer the last wish. It'll be whatever you want." Dick got excited, until a cannibal appeared out of nowhere and began eating his green socks. "NO!" screamed the Dick. He pushed the cannibal into the fire place. It smelled like roasted pork, Dick's favorite. He had the urge to take just one bite, but he knew it would be wrong. The green socks were on the floor unharmed. Dick picked them up, and hugged them. "I wish not to be a dick anymore!" Dick shouted to the heavens.
The next day, Richard (formally known as the Dick), woke up to Christmas morning. He heard people screaming from outside. There was a suicide bomber terrorist! Richard the fearless, the hungryless, and the dickless, ran outside and confronted the terrorist. The terror ran after Richard. Rich lifted a sewer cap, and the terrorist fell in it. Everyone cheered for Richard! Dallas approached Richard, and handed him a badge of honor. "The clown chopping down the Christmas tree represents what you did in the past. You stopped a bad guy from stealing a tree. In the present, you pushed a cannibal into fire, which represents you burning your old ways. And the alien of Christmas future represented you preventing the terrorist attack. You're a new man, Richard. Merry Christmas." Dallas and Richard hugged.
And that's how the Dick saved Christmas. I hope you will learn to love Christmas like Richard did. Have a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
THE END
Category:Christmas
Category:Clowns
Category:Aliens
Category:Cannibals
Category:Holidays