Good evening twitter 2: the electric boogaloo

good evening twitter 2: the electric boogaloo is the fifth episode of Season Three of CrazySponge Died: The Series.
==Transcript==
[cut to EDP445 in his bathroom, completely naked while taking a massive shit]
EDP: Man, that Chipotle done fucked me up. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH [massive explosion is heard] Yup. This is the life.
[EDP’s phone buzzes, showing an Instagram DM from a 13 year old girl named Sophie. He picks it up and gets a big grin on his face]
EDP: MMMMMMMM HHHHMMMM. If there’s one thing I love more than jacking off, taking massive shits, and Trump, it’s sexting minors! Gotta send her what all ladies love, young or old: a good ol’ fashioned shit pic. [takes a picture of the toilet and sends it. He talks while he types.] Just took a fat ass shit. And send. 
[goes on the other line to show Chet Goldstein and CrazySponge]
CrazySponge: [sees shit pic] OH YEAH BABY! Shit pics turn me on so much, Dan should send some more often.
Chet: Don’t lose focus. We need to catch his ass. He hasn’t sent anything too bad yet, though.
CrazySponge: Yeah. And I should know! [phone buzzes again as CrazySponge throws up] NO! [shows Chet the phone]
Chet: HE SENT A DICK PIC?!
CrazySponge: Not gonna lie, he’s a solid 6-
Chet: NO! Just… I need a minute. Let me go shout a bunch of racial slurs on a BLM hotline and think it’s the funniest thing ever. [walks out of the room]
CrazySponge: You know, me and him have a lot in common. Well, me and both of them.
[cuts back to EDP]
EDP: I hope she likes burnt charcoal! Now, time to go to TOWN! [pulls up her posts as the camera cuts away]
Narrator: ONE WEEK LATER…
[we see EDP pull up in a car at the drug store]
EDP: [struggles to climb out of the car because of his weight] Hell yeah mothafucker, time to load up on lube for my chiseled gun… both of them! Nah… I’ll use liberal cum for my actual guns.
[we see Chet and CrazySponge rush over]
Chet: STOP! EDP, we’ve caught you red handed! We need to talk about your DMs with Sophie.
EDP: …oh shit.
CrazySponge: o
Chet: How about you take a seat, have a seat, right over there.
EDP: Okay, Chris Hansen.
Chet: I bet you’ve had quite a few run-ins with him, haven’t you?
EDP: Yeah, just once though. Actually, this is my first time getting caught… no, second… maybe third. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!
CrazySponge: It’s okay, I have child slaves too, EDP.
[Chet slaps him]
Chet: HEY! No admitting to bad things, CrazySponge. Well, unless it’s racism. [turns to EDP] Anyway, this girl is 13, and we have you sending explicit photographs, sending submissive texts, and attempting to lure her to your “dungeon.” What do you have to say about this.
EDP: This is what! [reaches for his gun] Wait… fuck… 
Chet: What?
EDP: WHERE’S MY GUN?! You bitch ass motherfucker, no pussy getting, no life mothafucker piece of shit! I don’t got time for this. [walks away, prompting Chet to glance at CrazySponge]
Chet: You know what to do.
CrazySponge: Hoopla… [dials 911] Yes, we have infamous pedophile Bryant “EDP445” Moreland here, who we just caught in a sting operation. Yes. Yes, he’s a heavyset black guy-
Chet: A n-
CrazySponge: SHUT UP!
[cuts to other line]
Cop: No. No, let him continue.
[cuts to EDP walking away with his phone to his ear]
EDP: Come on, pick up… [line picks up]
Max B: Yeezy, Yeezy, what's good? It's your boy Max B, what's going on? Just checking in on you, appreciate the love and support. The wave is here, you a wavey dude anyway, so you already know. Ain't no problem, man, the game… you already know how this game thing goes.
Do your wave.
[cops pull up]
Cop: STOP RIGHT THERE! EDP, you are under arrest for sexting a minor.
EDP: Yeah, okay bitch. Wait until you see... [tries to pull out gun] ...oh right I forgot. 
[cop puts handcuffs behind his back]
Cops: You know, usually we’d shoot someone like you, but since you support Trump, we’ll just arrest you.
EDP: I’m boutta drop a bomb in this bitch! 
[cuts to Chet and CrazySponge in the corner]
Chet: Another one caught. Now, time to go against my entire profession and tell a 13 year old boy to take his shirt off.
CrazySponge: o [a woman walks by] OMG SEXY LADY I CAN SEE YOU I CAN SEE YOUR TITS [pulls out dick and starts jacking off off camera]
Woman: AHHHHHH! [runs away] PERVERT!
CrazySponge: What?
[cop walks over with a stern expression]
CrazySponge: Uh… sex?
[cuts to CrazySponge and EDP in the courtroom awaiting their sentencing]
Judge: Mr. Moreland, Mr. Sponge… you both have been sentenced to 10 years in prison. 
EDP: Bullshit! I can’t be a 40 year old virgin! [looks over at CrazySponge, starts to think to himself] Hm… maybe.
CrazySponge: But your honor! I just wanted what’s mine!
Judge: Tell it to the judge.
CrazySponge: But-
Judge: Oh, right. Well, out you go.
[cuts to CrazySponge and EDP being put in their cell]
Warden: You two will share a cell. [walks away, leaving them to themselves]
EDP: You liberal snowflake! You hoe ass no life trolling mothafucker! Why’d you have to bust me?
CrazySponge: Well, really it was Chet…
EDP: Not buying it. What’s wrong with wanting to climb through a 13 year old girl’s window and dragging her to my dungeon? And just wanting a cupcake?
CrazySponge: Well…
EDP: Say, how old are you?
CrazySponge: [starts sweating] Uh… 40?
EDP: Nope. [shows him his birth certificate] It says right here that you’re 10.
CrazySponge: How did you even get that?
EDP: Threatened the judge at gunpoint. [strips himself of his clothes] Oh boy, this’ll be the fucking of a lifetime!
CrazySponge: NO! I’M NOT GAY!
[a naked EDP jumps on top of CrazySponge as the camera cuts to the outside of the prison. Squeaking noises are heard as CrazySponge can also be heard screaming “HOOPLA!” The camera pans back to CrazySponge on the floor as EDP puts his clothes back on]
CrazySponge: Mother… [dies]
EDP: OMG I KILLED CRAZYSPONGE OH GOD OH FUCK! ...eh not my first. They won’t care.
Narrator: 2 WEEKS LATER…
[cuts to EDP standing in front of a firing squad]
EDP: Welp, it was kinda worth it, kinda not. But at least I’m going out with honor.
[episode ends]
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