The Astronian Inquisitor - Edition 1

FRIAR FOUND DEAD IN COFFIN, FOWL PLAY IS SUSPECTED
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Residents of Redwall Abbey were shocked on Wednesday morning when they discovered that their beloved Friar and friend, Friar Maurice "Obese Maurice" Higgins, was lying dead in a coffin. "Not a single mark was on him," remarked a lifelong friend of his, Abbot Costello. An investigation is currently being undertaken by Skipper Redneck and his otter crew. It should be noted however that Skipper's "investigation" has been mostly kitchen raids and racial slurs toward the Guosim. Father Abbot attempted to send for some help from Salamandastron by Sparra, but Skipper shot it down with a harpoon, under the claim that "th' Abbey is a blasted, crime scene. Nobeast leaves, nobeast gets in." Further information on the investigation will be distributed as it is released. 
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LESS IMPORTANT NEWS:
* "Proactiv doesn't work for rat people" says Cheesethief's ghost p. 4 
* Lord Orlando the Axe admits that his true name is Clifford, is now being called "big red dog" for no apparent reason p. 3 
* Pure Ferret supremacist group Vhite Pouveirre is suspect to a pool noodle incident at the Mossflower Pool p. 10 
* Handsome Redneck dies at 19, grandchildren present at funeral p. 8 
* Lord of Mossflower's special root is accidentally cut down, now called 'Lady of Mossflower' p. 9 
Category:Astronian Inqusitor
Category:Fun