These Damn Kids

"These Damn Kids" is a Season 1 episode of Squiddie's School.
==Characters==
*Squidward Tentacles
*Patrick Star
*Eugene H. Krabs
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Art School Manager
*Sheldon J. Plankton
*Pearl Krabs
*Larry the Lobster
*Bubble Bass
*CrazySponge
*Matchy
==Synopsis==
Squidward has to build his optimism up to combat the first of day of school and teaching a bunch of damn fools who he doesn’t want to teach.
==Transcript==
[episode begins with Squidward pacing the floor in his classroom. After a few strides, he starts hyperventilating.]
Squidward: Why did it have to be like this? I don’t want to teach these lousy degenerates. [peeks out of window] Look at them? Why would any of them want to take up an art class? Just doesn’t make any sense. In fact, this makes less sense than Discord Fast Food’s batshit policy! [closes blinds] I’d rather get raped by Joe Biden than have to deal with these fools.
[phone rings]
Squidward: Yello?
Manager: TENTACLES!
Squidward: [leaps in fear as he sprays ink all over the floor] SIR?!
Manager: You seem tense. The bathroom’s open, you know. Just in case you need to relieve some stress. [winks]
Squidward: [deadpan] Yeah, I know. But what do you need?
Manager: Nothing. Just checking in on your class. How’s the first 10 minutes been?
Squidward: Sir, why do I have to teach these apes?
Manager: Hey! Don’t body shame people. And no racism here either. Are you going to teach them or not? You know what happens if you don’t…
Squidward: [gulps] Yeah, yeah. You’re right. I won’t disappoint you, boss.
Manager: [Mr. Burns-like voice] Excellent. [hangs up; Squidward lets out a sigh as he limps over to the door, as it cuts to the students.]
Eugene: Sure is taking Squidward a while.
SpongeBob: I wonder what he’s up to.
Patrick: Oh boy, I sure want a piece of that action! [skips over to the door where he attempts to barge in. However, Squidward opens it as Patrick goes flying onto the grass.]
Squidward: Welcome, students! [fake optimism] Are you all ready for me to rub my artistic tentacle on you all!
Patrick: [standing up, stumbling over] I am!
Squidward: That’s the spirit!
Sheldon: Spirits?! I love spirits! I’m gonna get WASTED tonight.
Squidward: No, Plankton, not liquor. We do not allow such beverages in this academic institution. That would be highly unprofessional.
SpongeBob: So it’s not unprofessional to jack off in the school bathroom?
Squidward: SpongeBob, SpongeBob. [chuckles] That was under DIRE circumstances.
SpongeBob: Are you sure?
Squidward: YES, I’M SURE!
Matchy: [flips hand] Pffft, you do it in the bathroom? Amateur.
Squidward: [facepalms, pointing his other hand towards the door] Just.. just, come inside.
[everyone takes a seat at each table. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy sit at one, Eugene, Sheldon, and Pearl at another, Larry and Bubble Bass at another, and CrazySponge and Matchy at the last. Squidward shuffles his papers as he makes his way to behind his desk. He starts writing “Culture 101” on the chalkboard behind him, with everyone startled by the sound of the board.]
Patrick: So… high… PITCHED! This is almost as high-pitched as Travis’ voice!
SpongeBob: I’d say it’s about as high-pitched as my orgasms.
Sandy: I’m… why am I sitting here.
[Squidward steps forward]
Squidward: Greetings, class! My name is Mr. Tentacles, and I will be teaching you all about art and culture. Let’s start off b- [Bubble Bass raises his hand] uh… yeah?
Bubble Bass: Yo, could I get a bathroom pass? I need to take a mean ass shit.
Squidward: Can you hold it in, we’re literally just getting started. [goes back to intro] Okay, so how about we go around the room and introduce ourselves. I mean, we should know everyone here, but eh, we need something to fill the episode up. So, go crazy.
[SpongeBob stands up on his table]
SpongeBob: Hi, I’m SpongeBob! I really like Squidw- I mean art.
Patrick: Hey there, I’m Patrick. And I too really like Squidward. Like, REALLY like him. In fact, Mr. Tentacles, how much would it cost to get in your pants?
Squidward: [nose deflates] Let’s just keep going.
Sandy: I’m Sandy, the master of the art of science. Also the master of making everybody simp for me.
Squidward: Oh yeah… [shakes head] I mean, uh, keep going.
Eugene: I’m Eugene and I like money.
Sheldon: My name is Sheldon and I like destroying Krabs! HAHAHAHA- [Eugene grabs him with his claw and throws him across the room] Ugh… I’m ready. [faceplants into floor]
Pearl: I’m Pearl and I don’t want to be here. My dad just dragged me here because he didn’t trust me on my own.
Squidward: Well, I don’t blame him. Especially if I wasn’t the one teaching this class! [winks and chuckles, making Pearl immediately cringe]
Larry: Yo, I’m Larry. I don’t know why I’m here.
Bubble Bass: I’m HandsomeLad42.. I mean Bubble Bass. My mom kicked me out of the house and made me actually learn something. [sighs] You don’t know what I’d give up to yank my crank to some Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy fan fiction right now.
Patrick: You mean the one about terrorism? The one I wrote?
Sheldon: Oh man, I really liked that one. That led me to take over the ocean!
[points over to CrazySponge and Matchy]
CrazySponge: Hoopla!
Squidward: What?
CrazySponge: Hoopla!
Squidward: That’s your name.
CrazySponge: o. [dies]
Everyone in the room: OMG CRAZYSPONGE DIED OH GOD OH FUCK!
Squidward: Uh… yeah… and last but not least, Matchy? [silence] Uh… Matchy?
Matchy: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHH AHHH AWWW OHHHHHH!!!! [continues to moan as it cuts to all of the characters looking in disgust. Squidward gets pissed and goes over, picking her up into his tentacles]
Squidward: That behavior is UNACCEPTABLE for my classroom. Don’t you know that school is a learning environment and not a pleasure zone? [tosses her out of the room] Come back when you learn your lesson!
[makes his way back into the class, where all of the students are confused]
Squidward: Sorry about that, class. Welp, time to get started on our first assignment. What I want you all to do is [turns to chalkboard and starts drawing shapes] just draw a few basic shapes together to make a sketch of an everyday object. For example, [shows chalkboard] I drew a couch using rectangles and ovals. Use your imagination! Just remember, it’s a sketch. I just wanna see where we all are right now.
SpongeBob: Um… we’re right here.
Squidward: No, I meant artistically, numbnuts. Alright, get working.
[shows time card saying 10 Minutes Later. SpongeBob and Patrick are shown drawing their objects]
Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, what did you draw?
SpongeBob: Oh, nothing special. [turns paper around] Just a boat. You know, the thing I’ll never be able to drive.
Patrick: Pfft, lame. I drew Squidward. [shows drawing in which he used circles, ovals, and rectangles]
SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick, why are there two giant circles behind him? And in front of him?
Patrick: Well, you know. Realism! [Squidward creeps behind him]
Squidward: Mm hm, yeah. Patrick, can you please stick to more appropriate drawings? No NSFW content, please. What do you think this is, Dan’s Sex Dungeon?
Patrick: Ooooh! That place sounds great!
Squidward: No, it sucked.
Patrick: Yes, Squidward, I’d love to do that!
[Squidward takes a gander at everyone’s work and is very unimpressed by the lack of artistic detail and skill. The only ones he finds good are SpongeBob’s bot drawing and CrazySponge’s drawing of the Hoopla Fish]
Squidward: Alright, yeah, you guys need a lot of teaching. But for now, SpongeBob and CrazySponge, you guys had half decent drawings.
Eugene: But what about me money draw-er-ing?
Pearl: What about my picture of these shoes?
Sandy: How about my drawing of my treedome?
Squidward: Uh… alright sure, you all did good. Fine, whatever, class dismissed. [walks out door!]
SpongeBob: That class was fun.
Bubble Bass: [bounces up from seat] Sure, but not as fun as reading Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy fanfiction! Oh boy, I’m going to town tonight. [wobbles out of building while out of breath as the episode ends]
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