The Perfect House

===Cold Open===
(The episode begins with a montage of open houses for sale, we see Josh, Emily and Candice in an open house)
Emily: Aw! This is so...
(Emily walks offscreen, revealing Josh and Candice lying bored on a chair)
Josh: Boring! Ugh...
(Candice laughs at Josh, as Emily walks up to him with her arms crossed)
Josh: Can we at least swim in the pool?
Emily: No! Look, don't ruin this for me. I won thumb war fair and square, so we're looking at open houses.
(Cut to Emily in the open house's kitchen)
Emily: Oh, uh - I don't know where to throw this garbage. Oh wait -
(Emily pulls open a cupboard door which acts as a trash can)
Emily: Shazam!
(Cut to Emily in the open house's backyard)
Emily: Just contemplating how overcrowded L.A. is...
(The shot zooms out)
Emily: ...in my two acre backyard!
(Cut back into the kitchen, Emily picks up a teabag tin and starts rubbing it on her face)
Emily: Oh yeah, that's the stuff.
Josh: You don't even drink tea.
Emily: Yeah, because I can never find it. If I had these times, I would drink tea all day, son!
Josh: Husband.
Emily: All day, husband!
(Cut to Emily opening a drawer and then aggressively closing it, but the drawer doesn't slam and satisfyingly shuts. Emily gives a happy sigh. Cut to her in the kitchen, stepping into the living room at the same time)
Emily: I'm in the kitchen, I'm in the living room! I'm in the kitchen, I'm in the living room!
(Josh walks up to her with Candice)
Josh: Ha! Can I try?
Emily: See? Open houses aren't boring.
(Josh and Candice copy what Emily was just doing)
Josh: I'm in the kitchen, I'm in the living room, I'm in the kitchen -
(Josh quickly runs outside)
Josh: - I'm in the pool!
(Josh and Candice run to the pool while laughing)
Emily: No, Josh!
(Josh and Candice cannonball into the pool)
Josh: Jack-knife!
(At the side of the pool, where the realtor is showing some people around the backyard. They get splashed by the water and end up stuck on the cacti that was behind them. The realtor screams)
===Main episode===
(Back to 8306 Berendo Street, the gang are returning back home)
Emily: I can't believe you got us kicked out of that open house!
Josh: Hey, I said I was sorry. Now can we do something we're all...
(Zoom out to see Alex half-naked on the floor with a bunch of sticky notes and pictures around the living room)
Josh: ...into...?
Alex: No! Don't touch anything! I'm this close to connecting Garfield to Jesus!
Emily: Are you drinking moonshine?
(We see a jar with a yellow liquid inside)
Alex: No! That's disgusting! That's my urine.
Josh: Uh, we'll just go in through the kitchen.
(Cut to them attempting to enter through the kitchen)
Bridgette: Watch out!
(They see Bridgette also half-naked body-painting onto a giant piece of paper, the paint splashes over the trio)
Emily: Seriously? You had to do this in the kitchen?
Bridgette: Alex was taking up the whole living room.
Emily: Ugh.
Bridgette: Get in here, Candice!
(Candice runs over to Bridgette)
Bridgette: Your body is a paintbrush that your spirit inhabits.
(Candice jumps into Bridgette's paint pool, then starts rolling on the floor. They start singing. Josh runs to a drawer, and shoves a screwdriver into it)
Josh: Look honey, we have a drawer like the open house. It won't slam!
(The drawer does slam, and the screwdriver flies into the air. Emily groans and rubs her temples. Bridgette jumps into the wall, causing the light to fall through the ceiling and hang there)
Josh: Haha, look Em! Chandelier!
Emily: I think I'm just gonna go for a walk, get some air.
Candice: You don't wanna use your body like a paintbrush?
Emily: Nah. You guys do your thing, I'll go do my thing.
Josh: But we should do a thing together.
Emily: Is that thing cleaning up this overcrowded apartment?
Josh: Nah, there's gotta be something better. Hmm...
(Josh looks to his right and gasps)
Josh: Oh my God, wait.
(He is looking at a flyer for a Family Bike)
Josh: I've always wanted to be a Family Bike family.
(Flashback to younger Josh cycling his bike and laughing, he hears a voice)
Man: On your left!
(Josh loses stability and falls into a ditch. He sees a family on a family bike cycling passed. The kid turns around)
Kid: Where's your family, loser?
Josh: Oh!
(The flashback ends. Josh gasps)
Josh: That's what we'll do together! A family bike! Emily!
(He turns around to see an empty room)
Josh: Huh?
(Bridgette pops her head around the corner)
Bridgette: She left 30 minutes ago.
(Cut to Emily walking through a neighbourhood. She sighs while looking at all the houses)
Emily: Never gonna be mine. Never gonna be mine. Never gonna be mine.
(She stands in front of an open house)
Emily: But there's no harm in looking...)
TBA
Category:Close Enough Transcripts