Are You There Bob? It's Me, Birthday/Transcript

== Are You There Bob? It's Me, Birthday ==
Linda: It's a good thing I'm finally trimming your bangs, Gene. You probably couldn't see anything. Could you see anything?
Gene: Who's talking?
Louise: Personally, I enjoyed watching you bump into things.
Linda: Huh. I feel like I forgot to do something else important. Something yesterday.
Tina: Did you forget to take out the trash?
Gene: Did you forget to fart?
Linda: No.
Louise: Did you forget where you came from? You're from the streets, Mom. From the streets.
Linda: No. Darn it! It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh, well. Maybe I'll go downstairs and ask your father! Oh Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Louise: What, what? Mom? 
Gene: Wh-What What's happening? 
Linda: Y-Yesterday was was your father's birthday! 
Tina: No, it wasn't, that's not until Oh, wait, yeah, it was.
Louise: It totally was.
Linda: I forgot your father's birthday. No, no, why? Why, God? No! 
Tina: I feel bad for Dad.
Gene: I feel bad for Mom. Look at her. She's a hot mess.
Louise: Speaking of hot mess Gene, you might want to take a look in the mirror real quick.
Gene: My bangs are bungled! I have bungled bangs! Why?!
Linda: No, no, no, why?! 
Gene: No, no, why?!
Bob: Bob's Burgers.
Teddy: Bob, it's Teddy.
Bob: Hey, Teddy. I'm sure you noticed I haven't come in for a few days.
Bob: I did. I mean, I just noticed.
Teddy: I'm out of town with my mom. She signed us up for a silent retreat.
Bob: Teddy, isn't the point of a silent retreat not to talk? 
Teddy: I'm calling to see if you opened the birthday e-card that I sent you yesterday.
Bob: Yeah, I was going to, but it wanted me to download three new programs. It just seemed like too many.
Teddy: It's a picture of a dog drinking a soda, a-and when you click on it, he burps and says "Happy Burpday!" I-It's a It's a little bit of a thinker.
Bob: Yep, that's kind of funny.
Teddy: Open it.
Bob: I actually am in the middle of something right now, Teddy. I'm in one of those Internet auctions, trying to get this vintage bacon weight I've had my eye on.
Teddy: Geez. You didn't get enough presents yesterday? I'm assuming Linda went all out, right?
Bob: Actually, no. She didn't do anything. I-It was a little weird. Maybe she forgot.
Teddy: Bob, there's no way Linda forgot your birthday. Sir, I can't understand what you're mouthing. "Get off the phone"?
Bob: Okay, Teddy, I'll talk to you later. Say hi to your mom for me.
Teddy: Hey, Mom, Bobby says hi. Hey, Mom. Mom. Ma! Mom! 
Tina: Don't be so hard on yourself, Mom. We forgot his birthday, too, if that makes you feel any better.
Louise: It's true.
Linda: Oh, it does. No, it doesn't. There's no excuse. 
Gene: I can't walk around like this. This isn't me! I'm not an Icelandic punk rocker.
Linda: Oh, I'm sorry, Gene. I'll fix it later. First I need to fix this situation with your father. Why didn't he say anything? Were there hints or signs that I missed? 
Bob: My driver's license expired today.
Linda: Wow, Mister Popular over here.
Speedo Guy: So glad Facebook reminded me that it's your special day!
Linda: Nope, nothing. How could we ever make this up to him? 
Tina: Maybe apologize? 
Louise: Fake a coma?
Linda: Wait a minute. I know what we have to do. We have to give your father a surprise party. Tonight! 
Tina: Tonight? 
Linda: Yes, yes, tonight. We-We just got to get your father out of the restaurant for a while. That way I can say I was pretending to forget his birthday, just to set up the best surprise ever.
Gene: Like the end of that movie, Seven.
Linda: Hi, Bobby.
Bob: Hi, guys. Hi, Tina. You're standing really close to me.
Tina: Hi, Dad. How are you today? Hey, you know the guy who makes the huge bubbles down at the wharf? 
Bob: Um, the Bubble Master? 
Tina: Well, I heard he's making them bigger than ever these days. Maybe you should check him out.
Linda: That's a great idea, Tina. Bob, you should go down there for, uh, three hours.
Bob: What? No. We have to prep for dinner. Also, everyone knows the Bubble Master doesn't work past noon. He doesn't need to. He makes a fortune. I think about him a lot. Gene, your hair looks uh, great. "Great" was my first thought.
Gene: The people who did this to me will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!
Bob: Damn it.
Linda: What was that? 
Bob: Oh, just this dumb online auction.
Louise: What are you bidding on One of those flashlights that can blind a bear?
Gene: A bunch of Ritalin from Canada?
Bob: Just this vintage bacon weight.
Hugo: Hello, Belcher family.
Ron: Hi, everyone.
Linda: Hi, Hugo. Hi, Ron.
Bob: What do you want, Hugo? 
Hugo: Guess what time it is.
Bob: W-What time is it?
Hugo: Health inspection o'clock.
Bob: Hmm.
Hugo: Come on, Bob. Let's do this.
Bob: All right. Hopefully no one outbids me on this Crap.
Linda: Wait, wait. Uh, hold on, Bob. Why don't, uh, I just go with Hugo and Ron, and, uh, that way you can stay here, watch the dining room and finish your thing.
Bob: Oh, uh, great. Thanks, Lin.
Hugo: Let's start in the basement, where molds and bacteria start their families.
Hugo: This is weird everything seems to be in order down here. Ron, you find anything?
Ron: I thought I saw a dead mouse, but it was a potato next to a string bean.
Linda: Psst, Hugo, Ron. Come here.
Hugo: What's going on? Why are you whispering?
Linda: Shh, shh, shh. I'm planning a surprise party for Bob's birthday, and I need to get him out of the restaurant for a few hours. Is there any way you two could help me?
Hugo: Help you with Bob's birthday? Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that would be for me? 
Linda: What? Why? 
Hugo: Linda. You and I were fiancés once.
Linda: Yeah, I remember. Kinda.
Hugo: Those were the best four and a half days of my life.
Linda: Okay.
Hugo: And now you want me to help you plan a party for your husband? 
Linda: Yeah.
Hugo: Well then, I'm gonna need something out of this, too.
Ron: Like fries? 
Hugo: No, Ron, not like fries!
Linda: Okay, Hugo, what is it you want?
Hugo: I want I want you to call my parents.
Linda: What? 
Hugo: It would make a big impression if you called and asked them in a sad, almost begging tone, if there's any possible chance that I'm still single.
Linda: Oh, Hugo.
Ron: Oh, Hugo.
Hugo: Oh, shut up, Ron.
Linda: You know what? I'll do it. I'll call them. But only if you can get Bob away, and keep him away until 7:00 tonight. Do we have a deal? 
Hugo: Deal. Now, let me hear you do it.
Linda: Do what?
Hugo: The call. What're you gonna say? 
Linda: Oh, uh. Hello, this is Linda. Is Hugo still single? 
Hugo: Sadder.
Linda: Oh, um, uh Is Hugo still single? I hope so.
Hugo: Too much. Split the difference.
Linda: Uh, so, how'd the auction go? 
Bob: Not good. BaconltToTheLimit31 beat me at the very last second. 
Louise: Turns out he really does bacon it. Right up to the limit.
Bob: He really does.
Hugo: The bad news is I didn't find anything downstairs. The good news is that I did find something upstairs.
Bob: Where?
Hugo: You need to, um update and sign your safe food-handling license.
Bob: W-Wait, what? I-I don't even think this one's expired, by the way.
Hugo: Uh, yup. This thing's super expired. Might as well tear it up.
Bob: This is ridiculous.
Hugo: It is ridiculous. You're attempting to operate a restaurant with a torn-up food-handling license. That's why you need to come down to the Health Department office and sign for a new license. In person. Right now. Or I shut you down.
Bob: You can't be serious.
Linda: Bob, maybe you should just go. Take as much time as you need.
Bob: All right, fine. I'll drive down there, but this better be quick.
Hugo: Uh, you? Drive? No, no, no, no, no. They would never let you in without a certified vehicle.
Bob: W-Wait, what do you mean, "a certified vehicle"?
Hugo: Get in the van, Bob. Or, as I like to call it, Health on Wheels.
Bob: Oh, my God.
Linda: Okay, we only have a few hours to plan this party and hide the fact that we all forgot your father's birthday. And if we pull this off, we shall never speak of this in our family again. 
Gene: Like that time I caught Dad flexing his legs in the mirror.
Linda: We can do this. I mean, I love to plan parties. That's my thing.
Louise: That and talking during movies.
Linda: All right, we need, uh, decorations and gifts and guests and refreshments.
Tina: I can be in charge of decorations.
Linda: Great.
Tina: Yes! Gene, Louise, what do you want to be in charge of?
Gene: Uh, I can't help until my hair is slightly more back to full hotness.
Linda: All right, how about I give you ten dollars and you go ask Gretchen if she can fix it?
Louise: Or better idea I'll help Gene with his hair. And I'll do it for a discounted rate of only eight dollars. But I don't have any change, so I'll just take this.
Linda: Okay, okay, just do it quick. I'm gonna start making calls. Everybody, hands in the middle. Let's throw a party to cover up the fact we forgot Dad's birthday!
(all): Let's throw a party to cover up the fact we forgot Dad's birthday.
Bob: Is that sound coming from the van?
Ron: I've been telling Hugo to get it checked for months.
Hugo: It's fine. It's probably just a rusty wheel plug.
Ron: A rusty wheel plug? 
Bob: That's not a thing.
Hugo: Oh, are you both van experts now? 
Bob: You know what? I don't really care. I just want to get this over with as soon as possible and get back to work.
Ron: And what do you think we do, Bob? You don't think we work, too, Bob?
Bob: I know you work, Hugo. I'm sure it's exhausting harassing people and trying to shut down literally every restaurant in town. Ow! 
Hugo: Harassing people? Wow. Bob, health inspectors are the thin green line between the diners of this town and gastrointestinal catastrophe.
Ron: Preach.
Hugo: You know what? I'd like to show you something.
Bob: Is it something that will make this day take longer? 
Hugo: Yes. You're coming with us on an inspection.
Bob: No, no, no, no. No.
Hugo: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to your worst nightmare, Bob. Except worse, because of all the violations.
Bob: Hugo, has this place even opened yet? 
Hugo: It opens next week. What's your point?
Bob: How bad can it be? It looks like a nice place. It's probably just a nice person serving nice food.
Hugo: Oh, is it nice food, Bob? Is it a nice person serving nice food, Bob?
Bob: I don't know how you get through the day, Ron.
Ron: What? 
Hugo: Why don't you put your mouth where your mouth is? No matter what happens in there, no matter what you see, no matter what you smell, you will eat a wrap at the end of this inspection.
Bob: Yeah, I'll eat a wrap. I'll eat the crap out of a wrap. 
Hugo: Okay. After you. Wait, no, you go after me. Ron, get the door.
Sam: Ooh, wow. Real-life health inspectors in my restaurant? Now this is getting real. Now, this is getting very real. I'm sorry, I didn't get your name?
Hugo: Don't worry about him. He's just a guy named Bob. Bob Dork.
Bob: That's not my name.
Hugo: He's not a health inspector.
Bob: Thank God.
Hugo: He just wishes he was. And he doesn't talk.
Bob: Mm.
Sam: We're still in the middle of our "medium soft practice kinda-sorta not really opening" opening. Hey, where do you guys think this plant should go? Here? Here? Here? Here? You don't sound happy. Here? Here? 
Ron: Uh, yeah. There.
Sam: Really? Wow.
Ron: O-Or maybe there.
Hugo: Are you kidding me? We don't care about the plant! Take us to the kitchen. Uh, this chicken needs to be stored at 40 degrees or less.
Sam: Oh, fun chicken fact. How do you even know that?
Bob: Oh, God.
Hugo: Hold on. When was the last time you washed this rag?
Sam: I'm sorry washed? Are you saying washed the rag?
Bob: Oh, God.
Hugo: There are rodent droppings near your salad prep area!
Sam: Oh, that's what those are. Okay, you can just flick them away.
Bob: Oh, God.
Linda: So, what do you say, Mort? You gonna come over to celebrate your favorite burger man?
Mort: Gosh, Linda, I wish I could, but I have a funeral tonight. Can't be in two places at once. Which, by the way, is how this guy died.
Linda: So, what do you say, Reggie You think you can make it?
Reggie: Aw, geez, Linda, I would, but they have to check me out of Intensive Care. Just a little heart attack, nothing to worry about.
Linda: Oh-oh, my God, Reggie, I'm so sorry, but I got to call you back tomorrow. Okay, bye.
Mr. Fischoeder: Delightful. I will absolutely be there. Count me in.
Linda: Oh, really, Mr. Fischoeder? That's great.
Mr. Fischoeder: Wait, who-who is this?
Linda: It-It's Linda. Lin From Linda and Bob?
Mr. Fischoeder: Oh, I can't make it. I, um, a dog is, uh, biting my, uh, leg.
Linda: You can bring the dog, if you come.
Mr. Fischoeder: Mm, he doesn't want to go.
Sam: So, how did I do? 
Hugo: Not good.
Sam: So not too shabby? 
Hugo: No! 
Ron: You did bad.
Sam: I don't understand. I-I did everything right.
Hugo: You did almost nothing right.
Sam: Okay, so what does this mean for the restaurant?
Hugo: It means the last wrap you're making today is for Bob.
Sam: Oh. Okay.
Hugo: And while you do that, I'm going to read off your violations. Dirty utensils. Illegal use of the finger. Strange, booger-looking viscous material on your cutting board. Keep chewing. We had a deal. Excessively thick milk. Moldy mango. Fuzzy tortillas.
Louise: Mom, I know you're busy, but look whose hair is perfectly normal.
Linda: Does he have magic marker on his forehead?
Louise: I'm really surprised you noticed, but I don't think anyone else is going to be able to tell.
Gene: I like the smell, but I'm dizzy.
Linda: Enough hair talk. I've got a party to plan here. Reggie was a no. Mort was a no. Teddy's out of town. Mike the Mailman said he left something in his truck and then he never came back.
Tina: At least we have decorations. I mean, I'm pulling my weight.
Louise: Tina, the party's upstairs.
Tina: What?
Louise: Yeah.
Tina: Son of a bitch! Why didn't somebody stop me?
Louise: Just kidding, I'm just kidding. You're nailing it. You're nailing it. I mean, you're not. You're taping it, but...
Tina: Yeah, I found this tape in the bathroom. It had a lot of floss on it, but it still works.
Jimmy Pesto: You guys having a "going out of business" prom, or... 
Linda: Oh, go put a cannoli up your holey.
Jimmy Pesto: Oh Hair.
Tina: We're planning a surprise party for my dad and you're not invited.
Jimmy Pesto: Oh, yeah? Well, how many people are coming?
Linda: Uh we got a few. I mean, tons. Tons of people.
Jimmy Pesto: Whoa Everyone said no, huh? 
Linda: Oh, you shush.
Tina: Oh, no! 
Louise: Tina, what happened? 
Tina: Damn floss tape!
Jimmy Pesto: This is the saddest surprise party ever. When is it? 
Linda: 7:00.
Jimmy Pesto: I'm coming back. Oh, I cannot wait to see the look on Bob's dumb face when he cries.
Louise: Uh, at least we have Jimmy Pesto. That's one.
Hugo: You, sir, are hereby prohibited from serving food until all violations have been corrected. You get an F.
Sam: Out of?
Ron: Here's the sign. You're supposed to put it in the window.
Sam: 'Kay, but what if people see it? 
Hugo: That's the point! Ron, Bob, get in the van.
Bob: Oh, God. At least we'll be moving, I guess. And this will be over soon. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ron: Is smoke supposed to be coming out of the front or the back? Because it's coming out of both. And the sides.
Hugo: Damn it!
Linda: Okay, new plan. All the customers that are here now Let's just keep 'em here until 7:00. We'll, uh, pretend they're your dad's friends.
Gene: He'll never catch on.
Linda: It'll be an extra surprise party. It's not even people your father knows. It's total strangers. That's a good idea, right?
Tina: Uh, Mom? Are you feeling okay? Your eye is twitching.
Linda: I'm f-I'm fine. I'm fine.
Customer: Miss? I'll-I'll take a check when you get a chance.
Linda: Oh, God.
Louise: Stall, Mom, stall. Don't give it to her.
Linda: Uh No.
Customer: What? 
Gene: Nice one, bro.
Linda: I mean, um, I got to go into the kitchen. Uh, I won't be back until, uh 7:00.
Hugo: I know what a dipstick is, Ron. When you're called something enough times, you look it up.
Sam: Wow, I'm really surprised I did so bad. I've never done bad at-at anything.
Bob: Really? Ugh, sorry.
Sam: I mean, in the finance world, I just kept making money. Too much money, you know what I mean? 
Bob: Uh, yeah. I mean, no, I don't really know what you mean.
Sam: When I said I was gonna open this place, people were like, "You should go to school and get training." And I was like, "I just want to open it. I've got the killer name. The rest'll work itself out." Oh, Bob Dork, are you okay? Do you always sweat this much?
Bob: Am-am I sweating? Yeah. I am. 
Sam: Hmm. You think it's something you ate? 
Bob: I do. I really do.
Sam: Hey, guys, I think Bob Dork's not feeling very well. Are you gonna throw up?
Bob: Yeah. A lot.
Sam: Geez, you're right in front of my restaurant. I feel like, you know, you puking plus the "F" rating, it-it might not so look good. He's fine. Ev-Everything's fine. Yeah, we open next week. Come by, lunch and dinner. 
Ron: Okay, uh, Th-there you go, big fella.
Linda: Okay, I-I know some of you don't know Bob that well, but all you got to do is stick around till he shows up, you say, "Surprise," and I'll give you all free ice cream.
Customer: That's pretty sad.
Louise: Yes, it is.
Jimmy Pesto: This is gonna be hilarious. Guy probably doesn't even like surprise parties.
Linda: What do you mean? Everybody likes surprise parties. That's a known fact.
Jimmy Pesto: Uh, yeah, Linda. Everybody loves coming back to their peaceful abode and having a bunch of people jump out and scream at 'em. Or "Surprise" or whatever.
Tina: Huh. That is true, Mom. Dad doesn't like parties very much.
Gene: Or surprises.
Louise: Or us. Well, you guys.
Linda: Oh, my God. I guess that's true. Just because I like throwing parties doesn't mean he likes having 'em thrown for him. I was so caught up in all the party planning, I missed what was right in front of me.
Gene: Your boobs?
Linda: I know what we need to do.
Louise: Is it something with your boobs?
Linda: No. Get off the boobs, guys. We're moving on.
Gene: Never!
Hugo: Well, Bob, is there anything you want to say about health inspectors?
Bob: Okay, Hugo. You were right. I admit it. Y-You have a very important job. You keep people safe from restaurants like Sam's.
Hugo: It's nice to be appreciated, Bob. And I can smell how much you mean it.
Sam: You know, in finance, there's no inspectors. You just don't need 'em.
Ron: You know, Hugo, we need to get Bob back by 7:00. If a certain phone call is going to happen? 
Hugo: You know what? I don't care, Ron. Watching Bob vomit and say how cool health inspectors are is way better than that phone call ever would've been.
Bob: What are you guys talking about? 
Hugo: Let's just stick him in a cab and call a tow. I might have an alcoholic drink tonight, an alcoholic wine.
Bob: Wait, don't I have to go to your office to sign a form? 
Hugo: "Sign a form." That's you, Bob. Forget about the license. We'll do it later. Consider it a birthday present.
Sam: Oh, is it your birthday, Bob Dork? 
Bob: Wait, h-how did you know it was my birthday?
Hugo: Uh Ron told me.
Ron: Uh yeah, I know everyone's birthday. It's a blessing and a curse.
Bob: Oh, God. Did Linda ask you to get me out of the restaurant so she could set something up? Is this all made up?
Hugo: Uh Ah, fine. Yes.
Sam: Wait, was my health inspection made up, too?
Hugo: No, your restaurant's disgusting.
Sam: Mm. Fair enough.
Bob: Oh, I really don't want to go to a surprise birthday party.
Sam: You don't? Why not?
Bob: I don't like surprise parties or non-surprise parties.
Hugo: Oh, do you think your birthday is about you, Bob? 
Bob: Huh? 
Hugo: It's not. It's about the people who care about you showing that they care about you. And you don't complain about it, you appreciate it! Unless you're a baby. Are you a baby, Bob?
Bob: No.
Ron: Well, you are throwing up a lot. Like a baby.
Hugo: Do you know what I would give for someone anyone To celebrate me? I have no one. No one!
Ron: Well, you have one person...
Hugo: No one! 
Bob: Oh, God. Hugo, I-I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I I think you might be right. Again.
Hugo: You do?
Bob: Yeah. I shouldn't complain about a surprise party if it makes Linda happy to throw one.
Ron: Go to her, Bob.
Bob: I need a ride.
Sam: I can give you a ride. I've got a convertible, so you can just puke over the side if you need to.
Bob: I will need to, Sam. I will need to. Oh, and Hugo? Um, thanks.
Hugo: I hate you.
Bob: What's that?
Hugo: Nothing. Uh, happy birthday. I hate you.
Bob: Uh, thanks for the ride, Sam. Uh, listen, don't take this the wrong way, but, um, chef to chef, you should get some training. Um, maybe a lot of training.
Sam: Or maybe I'll just switch to something easier, like sushi. That's fish, right? 
Bob: Hey, Gene.
Gene: Aah! He's here. He's here. And he definitely didn't see me.
Bob: Okay, act surprised. Just just act surprised and smile. That's not a smile. That's a smile. I think. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Linda: Hi, Bobby.
Bob: Hi. Is anyone else here? 
Tina: Just us.
Gene: Hello, Father.
Louise: Hi, Dad.
Bob: Hi, kids. Gene, I like it. I like what you're doing there.
Gene: Thank you. I'm turning lemons into "lemme tell you about my hair."
Bob: So there's not a room full of people waiting to jump out and yell, "Surprise"?
Linda: Bob, listen. The truth is we all forgot about your birthday yesterday, and... Wait, how'd you know we were planning a surprise party?
Bob: Hugo and Ron spilled the beans.
Linda: I'm sorry, Bob. I felt awful about forgetting your birthday, and I really wanted to make it up to you.
Bob: It's okay, honestly.
Linda: Well, it's not okay to me. At first we wanted to throw you a party, but then we realized that's probably not what you wanted, so we canceled it.
Louise: Dad, you should've seen how many people showed up.
Tina: And the streamers looked amazing.
Linda: So, we got you what we think you really wanted. Bobby, I present to you your belated birthday present.
Bob: The couch?
Linda: Yes, but not just the couch. Also, we put one of your Western flicks in the DVD player, and we made you a freshly grilled steak. Look. 
Gene: And I promise it always had those bites taken out of it.
Tina: And we warmed up your sweatpants in the dryer, the way you like them.
Louise: Hot pants.
Gene: Toasted buns.
Bob: It's perfect. It's absolutely perfect.
Linda: Really?
Bob: Yeah. I mean, I was ready for a big party. I-I really was, because I know you like to throw those, and that's totally fine...
Louise: Okay. Sounds like it's not fine, but go on.
Bob: This is so much better.
Linda: Oh, oh, I almost forgot. Uh, here, for you. Here you go.
Bob: Oh, my God! It's the bacon weight. H-How did you get this?
Linda: I drove over to the antique shop in Bog Harbor.
Bob: Oh, it feels nice. Really nice.
Gene: Get a room.
Bob: I will.
Jimmy Pesto: Having a real rager for your birthday, huh, Bob? Oh! Keep it down up there or I'm calling the cops. Ha, ha. You're dumb.
Bob: No, Jimmy, you're...
Biker: On your left, ma'am.
Bob: Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, that's Can't stop watching. Jimmy, you all right?
Jimmy Pesto: I'm all right.
Bob: He'll probably be fine. Let's start the movie.
Jimmy Pesto: Stupid bike. Drive a car, you cave man!
Bob: This really is the best birthday ever.
Category:Transcripts