Character Intros: Carkinekros

Huzzah! I’m Carkinekros, dealer of the infinite multiverse!
Are you tired of having too much money? No? Yes? All of the above? Well, come on down to one of our figuratively infinite locations! Which I can assure you aren’t fronts for illegal activities, mostly!
But who said that? Nobody! Nobody at all! Nobody who still has their thumbs at least!
But, come on down, past the break! Fair warning, there is a two drink minimum. Including my Patented Super Stuff! Now legal in seven states! It’s got… nutrients.
Here at Carkinerkos Productions, we make everything! Well, make, steal, falsify, it’s a matter of perspective! All the world’s a sale if you look at it the right way!
…Nobody actually says that. But, enough chitchat dear viewers, it’s time for a list of my various operations! That’s business operations, not surgical ones. Which are technically a business operation, so call now 
You like lists, right? Of course you do, this is the internet! What are you, some kind of freak? Anyway, here’s the lists of some things I make:
Those Shops That Weren’t There Yesterday! - If you’ve gone into a little shop that wasn’t there yesterday, there’s a statistically nonzero chance that we’re running it or supplying it. Even the really kinky ones*! Like a regular Yum Brands or Kroger!
We work tirelessly to find you the best whimsical and mystical items for the lowest price! And then when we can’t fill out a store with those, we put a bunch of ridiculous garbage and cursed stuff in there as filler! But it’s magical, whimsical filler! Are you not enchanted? No? Phooey to you then!
*Note that we disavow any and all illegal or immoral actions of our more perverse franchisees and distibutors that go past our admittedly low standards. Not cool dudes, for shame. Still like their money though!
Arcades!- Remember the 80s? The glory days where games cost only a quarter, and then proceeded to rip you off for everything you’re worth? The good ol’ days; playing machines through a haze of cigarette smoke in a probable criminal front? Well, we’ve brought those days back baby, all of them!
You too can play arcade games at a quarter a pop at our places, not like those ripoff artists who charge a dollar a play, and then kick you out of the building when you try to lockpick the change machines for financial restitution! CON FOUND THEM!
And, we give our seal of quality that YOU will not be negatively impacted by any criminal operations that almost certainly aren’t going on in the background, so hush your pretty little head whydontcha! Just, don’t play the Kabnit-Man machine for too long. It gets weird and creepy and I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.
Human Organs- Do you need a new spleen? Kidney? Ralno?
If you said the third one you’re lying. Nobody needs a Ralno. But if not, come on down, we’ve got the finest organs you’ve ever seen, grown fresh!
Never ask how they’re grown though, because that’s thinking. And what good did thinking ever do? NOBODY, THAT’S WHO!
We even have the organs you haven’t thought of “Officially” “Licensed” under the brand of David Cronenberg’s Newflesh! He probably doesn’t mind! He makes “serious” “grown-up” films now, he doesn’t want to be associated with this tomfoolery! And that’s what I’m going to say in court!
Gardening Services- [THIS SERVICE HAS BEEN SUSPENDED DUE TO CURRENT ALLEGATIONS AND IS DEFINITELY NOT STILL OPERATING UNDER THE TABLE. DO NOT CALL BIG AL AT XXX-XXX-XXXX AND ASK FOR THE “GRAND ADOMPHA” FOR FURTHER DETAILS]
“Detective Work”- Friends, are you tired of your workers demanding things like “living wages” or “not hitting us with the whip anymore”? Cause I know I sure am!
And that’s why, in the grand tradition of the Pinkertons, I have a whole army of “Detectives” for rent! Complete with “Strike Investigators” weilding “Deduction Sticks” in their “Clue Tanks” and “Rays For Purely Investigative Purposes,” we’ll investigate those so-called pinko agitators! We’ll investigate the criminy out of ‘em! With allegedly not-illegal force!
Neo Not Vegas!- Tired of your old regular Las Vegas? Well, we’ve got a place for you! Located in the space between spaces, it’s a city of gambling, sin, and shrimp cocktails! But, that’s for another time!
Because, I see my lawyer would like to have a word with me. Several words. Most of those being swears. GOODNIGHT FOLKS!
== Author Notes ==
Yep, I’m doing more intro profiles with my OCs, to introduce them to people! Yes this will be a series! And, what better tricky crab-person to do the second iteration on than everybody’s favorite ripoff of a classic Let’s Player!
As per usual, while the text/direct adaptations thereof themselves are CC-By-SA, the base concepts/characters/ect are free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY Vanilla 4.0 license so long as I, Thomas F. Johncon, am credited as their creator!
So, yeah, hope ya dig it!
Category:Thomas Johnson Fiction