No Pandemic in Bikini Bottom

No Pandemic in Bikini Bottom is the season 2 finale of The Amazing World of Squidward. In this episode, Squidward gets chased by those who want to kill him, while the cult members help him escape, but Squidward does not stay safe for long...
==Characters==
* Squidward
* Hoopla
* Lloyd
* Bubble Bass
* Police officer
* SpongeBob
* Patrick
* Gary
* Dr. Gill Gilliam
* Nat Peterson
* Nancy Suzy Fish
* Squidward Jr.
* Floyd
* Squilvia
* Shubie
* Anchovy
* Con man
* Dennis
* Harold
* Tom
* Fred
* Hazmat 1
* Hazmat 2
* Old Man Jenkins
* French Narrator
==Transcript==
[The episode starts where the last episode left off; the characters in the police boat break the boat’s windows and start shooting at Squidward, while those in the faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle get out of the vehicle on their parachutes and starts shooting at Squidward too]
Squidward: AAAARGH! [he bends down and starts driving away, as he is chased by the police boat]
Hoopla: Looks like we’ve got some *COUGH* help!
Lloyd: It’s my time to *COUGH* shine! [he throws a grenade in Squidward’s boat]
Squidward: DEAR *COUGH* NEPTUNE! [jumps away from his boat and runs as fast as he can]
Lloyd: CRAP! HE’S *COUGH* ALIVE!
Bubble Bass: Not for *COUGH* long, guy I don’t know! [he jumps in the air in slow-motion, he shoots at Squidward but Squidward miracously dodges the bullets, then the slow-motion stops and Bubble Bass crushes Squidward with his butt, with only Squidward’s neck and face being seen, and the rest of his body under Bubble Bass’s butt] HAHA!
Squidward: [he hides his face under Bubble Bass’s butt]
Bubble Bass: CURSE MY *COUGH* BUTTOCKS! You won’t be alive for much longer! [he jumps, but instead of Squidward, he sees a tunnel in the sand] SQUIDWARD!
[The characters who were in the faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle come come running to Bubble Bass, without their parachutes]
Hoopla: OOOOOH, HE *COUGH* ESCAPED!
Police officer: Hey, don’t worry! We’ll search for him *COUGH* together!
SpongeBob: Wait, I see someone…..*COUGH*......PATRICK?! GARY?! YOU’RE ALIVE!
Patrick: SPONGEBOB!
Gary: MEOW!
[Bubble Bass gets on the police boat, which drives off to find Squidward with the characters who were in the faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle following it]
[Cut to Dr. Gill Gilliam standing near his boat, with the other cult members on boats behind him]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: What’ll happen now, huh? Squidward against the police….*COUGH*........I hope he gets killed.
Squidward: [comes out of the sand] DOC!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: AAAAARGH!
Squidward: PEOPLE ARE AFTER ME! YOU’VE GOT TO *COUGH* HELP ME ESCAPE!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: ……..*COUGH*.........NO! [he punches Squidward and then shoves him to the floor, then he gets on his boat and starts going towards Squidward]
Squidward: AAAAARGH! [he rolls away at the last second]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: DAMMIT! [he chases Squidward with his boat]
Squidward: AAARGH! [he gets up and starts running] MY LOYAL *COUGH* CULT MEMBERS! THE DOC HAS TURNED TO THE *COUGH* DARK SIDE! HELP ME!
Nat Peterson: *sigh* [him and the other cult members still on Squidward’s side crash themselves on Dr. Gill Gilliam’s boat, all at the same time] …….*COUGH*......Now what?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: [jumps from his boat to escape, but is grabbed by Nancy Suzy Fish] Hey!
Nancy Suzy Fish: I guess we should just *COUGH* keep him here.
Nat Peterson: Ok sure.
Squidward: [runs over to them] Ha! Nice work! [he pushes one cult member out of his boat] I’ll be *COUGH* needing this! [he jumps on the boat and goes away]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Squidward said people were after him……*COUGH*.......IT’S PROBABLY THEM! HOOPLA! HOOOOOOOOOPLAAAAAAAA!
[Cut to Hoopla and the other people from before]
Hoopla: HEY! Did you *COUGH* hear that?
Police officer: Hear what?
Junior: I heard someone shouting your *COUGH* name!
Hoopla: And that voice sounded like….*COUGH*....THE DOCTOR!
Patrick: THE DOCTOR?! I’M SCARED OF THE *COUGH* DOCTOR!
Hoopla: You fool, he’s the one that *COUGH* almost poisoned Squidward!
Patrick: Oooh!
Hoopla: DOOOOOOOOC! I AM *COUGH* HOOPLA! DO YOU HEAR ME?!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: YES! *COUGH* COME HE-[Nancy Suzy Fish prevents him from talking]
Hoopla: WE’RE COMING! POLICE PEOPLE, YOU KEEP ON GOING THAT WAY! *COUGH*
Police officer: Sure *COUGH* thing sonny!
Hoopla: Don’t call me that.
[Hoopla and the other guys run over to where Dr. Gill Gilliam is]
Hoopla: DOC! WE’RE-[Nat Peterson gives him a kung fu kick to his face, making Hoopla fall on the floor and leaving his machine gun in the air]
Nat Peterson: [grabs the machine gun] Hey, *COUGH* coo-[Lloyd throws a grenade in Nat’s mouth]
Everyone else there: [screams and runs away]
[An explosion is heard offscreen, with the characters being covered in blood. The cult members still loyal to Squidward run away screaming]
Dr. Gill Gilliam: YES! THANKS YOU GUYS! Now, I suppose we will *COUGH* try to kill Squidward once again.
Hoopla: Indeed.
Junior: Heh, yeah, heh……*COUGH*.....
Patrick: [does the Fortnite default dance]
Gary: Meow!
Patrick: Can’t hear the *COUGH* haters!
Floyd: Hey! That’s the dance those little kids do *COUGH* in front of us after throwing tomatoes at us!
Lloyd: So immature! All because of the occasional broken bike we *COUGH* throw at their faces!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Listen, we cannot go attack him *COUGH* straight away! You need to hear my plan!
Floyd: We’ll just shoot him! What’s there to *COUGH* plan?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: We need a backup plan, just in *COUGH* case! This time, Squidward WILL die! And *COUGH* here’s how we’ll kill him! [he starts drawing random lines in the sand] Someone will distract Squidward, then I will inject a “vaccine” into him…..*COUGH*......A POISONOUS VACCINE! MUAHHAHAHAHAHA!
Lloyd: Wait, normal vaccines aren’t like that? I’VE BEEN *COUGH* LIED TO!
[Cut to Squidward driving his boat]
Squidward: Time for some *COUGH* victory music! [he grabs his phone, and a bullet flies by, almost touching his nose] WHAT THE HELL?!
[Cut to the police boat coming towards him]
Police officer: DON’T USE A *COUGH* PHONE WHILE DRIVING!
Squidward: [bends down]
Police officer: THAT IS ALSO *COUGH* UNSAFE!
[Everyone in the police boat shoots at Squidward’s boat’s wheels]
Squidward: I hate you. [he quickly jumps in the air, avoiding the bullets, and digging a hole]
Police officer: DAMMIT!
Dennis: Don’t worry, I’ve *COUGH* got this! I know him well! Stay here! [jumps out of the boat and runs away]
Police officer: This guy better know what he’s *COUGH* doing!
SpongeBob: I hope he bashes Squidward’s head in….*COUGH*....
Bubble Bass: A killer killing his killer friend who inspired him to become a killer in the first place…*COUGH*...this is just like comic books!
Police officer: Wait, did you just say that glasses guy is a *COUGH* killer?
Squilvia: Oh yeah, he killed mayor TriangleBottom because mayor Mustardo told him so or *COUGH* something.
Police officer: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Bubble Bass: Yeah, and Mustardo was the *COUGH* tattletale strangler.
Police officer: WHAT THE-*COUGH* SO HE DIDN’T GO MISSING! HE BECAME THE STRANGLER! AND HE SENT SOMEONE TO KILL *COUGH* TRIANGLEBOTTOM?! AND HE MUST HAVE KILLED THOSE TWO POLICE OFFICERS WHO HAD GONE THERE TOO! I HAVE TO *COUGH* ARREST HI-[gets slapped by SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Let him kill the octopus….*COUGH*......or I will kill you…….
Police officer: Alright, alright, you crazy sponge! I’ll arrest the murderer after the *COUGH* murder of the murderer!
Shubie: By the way, this guy here is a *COUGH* con man!
Anchovy: Meep?
Shubie: No, the purple fish!
Con man: FALSE! DEFAMATION! SLANDER! *COUGH* DIEEEEEE! [points a gun at Shubie] You know, two guns is better than one, and for the right amount of money, I could *COUGH* give you mine!
[Cut to a rock, with suspenseful background music. Suddenly, Squidward’s head comes out of the sand, near the rock, and he looks to his left and right. After doing this, he jumps out of the sand and hits the rock with his head, passing out. Dr. Gill Gilliam and his crew appear near]
Dr. Gill GIlliam: *gasp*
Floyd: And so I shot her de-
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Shhhh! Be very very *COUGH* quiet! I’m hunting Squidward! Hehehehhe!
Junior: what
Hoopla: Oooh!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Time for the *COUGH* deadly vaccine!
[Dennis prepares his gun from far away, and then shoots the vaccine, breaking its glass and making the liquid inside it fall in Lloyd’s mouth]
Lloyd: AAARGH! [he begins heavily coughing repeatedly, and then falls dead to the floor]
Floyd: NOOOOOOO!
Gary: [hides in his shell, then gets grabbed by Patrick, who runs away screaming with Junior, Hoopla. and the doctor, as Dennis keeps shooting]
Junior: WHO’S *COUGH* SHOOTING?!
Patrick: WHO CARES JUST RUN YOU *COUGH* SHORTY!
Hoopla: Hey, what’s wrong with *COUGH* short people, fatty?
Dr. Gill Gilliam: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! SOMEONE JUST DIED IN FRONT OF YOUR *COUGH* EYES! JUST RUN!
[Cuts back to Lloyd’s dead body and Floyd]
Floyd: LLOOOOOYD! *sobs* YOU CAN’T *COUGH* DIE! NOOOO-[he gets shot in the face by Dennis, dying]
Dennis: Ain’t I a stinker? [walks over to the passed out Squidward and grabs him] Ah, Squidward, *COUGH* long time no see. Hot. [runs away]
[Cut to the police boat, where people are playing UNO]
Police officer: Ok, your turn, uh, *COUGH* anchovy.
Anchovy: Meep! [places a +4]
Squilvia: You can die, with your guts spilling out.
Dr. Gill Gilliam (offscreen): KEEP RUNNING! HE MIGHT BE *COUGH* HIDING SOMEWHERE!
Police officer: Huh?
[Dr. Gill Gilliam and his running crew are seen running to next to the police boat]
Junior: DEAR NEPTUNE, I *COUGH* NEED THERAPY!
Con man: I’m a therapist! A session is just *COUGH* 500 dollars!
Squilvia: I’m not paying for him to *COUGH* therap!
Police officer: Woah, woah, calm down everyone. *COUGH* Did you see that guy with sunglasses and the-
Dr. Gill Gilliam: HE SHOT AT US! HE KILLED *COUGH* FLOYD AND LLOYD!
Hoopla: Good riddance. *COUGH* BUT STILL!
Patrick: GARY’S TOO SCARED TO COME OUT OF HIS *COUGH* SHELL NOW! [violently shakes the shell] COME OUT GARY! Are you alive?
SpongeBob: OH MY NEPTUNE!
Police officer: OKAY, DESCRIBE THE *COUGH* SITUATION!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: WE WERE TRYING TO MURDER *COUGH* SQUIDWARD!
Junior: My dad.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: AND WE FOUND HIM *COUGH* PASSED OUT NEXT TO A ROCK! PERFECT TO KILL!
Police officer: [taking notes] Okay....
Dr. Gill Gilliam: THEN THE GUY WITH GLASSES APPEARS AND SHOOTS MY VACCINE, *COUGH* LLOYD DIES, WE START RUNNING AWAY, FLOYD DIES, AND NOW WE ARE *COUGH* HERE!
Police officer: Dear Neptune, this seems like a true *COUGH* necro case!
Junior: Necro case? *COUGH* What does that me-
Police officer: Kid, I think the glasses guy wants to kill your dad and, uh, *COUGH* kiss his dead body.
Junior: Holy crap there’s like a whole genre of these *COUGH* crimes?
Police officer: I hate my job buddy. Now, to the *COUGH* rock!
[Cut to a shot of Jellyfish Fields, then zoom in to a cave, where Squidward is seen waking up]
Squidward: Ugh…….uh……*COUGH*......where am I? Did I eat too much ice cream?
Dennis (offscreen): No Squidward, you *COUGH* did not.
Squidward: WHO’S TALKING?! ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE GUYS *COUGH* LOOKING FOR ME?!
Dennis (offscreen): I am looking for you, not to kill you, but for something else. You see, I know you since *COUGH* we were little kids.
Squidward: You do? Wait, you’re not that *COUGH* weirdo Tyler right?
Dennis (offscreen): Oh no! For Neptune’s sake, no! I am…….*COUGH*.......
[A wall of the cave is cut from the inside with a knife, with Dennis then coming out of the wall]
Dennis: ….Dennis!
Squidward: DENNIS?! NO *COUGH* WAY!
Dennis: Ah Squidward, it’s been so long. You know, you inspired me to *COUGH* become a hitman.
Squidward: YOU BECAME A *COUGH* HITMAN?! WOAH!
Dennis: Yes, and get this: *COUGH* I was the one who murdered mayor TriangleBottom!
Squidward: NO. WAY! And you got away with *COUGH* it?
Dennis: Well it’s a funny story. The police caught me and the one who paid me, mayor Daniel Mustardo, aka *COUGH* the tattletale strangler, and put us on a helicopter to a prison, but we killed the officers but we couldn’t fly the plane so it crashed on an *COUGH* island and Daniel died and I was on the island for a few years and then some people *COUGH* came flying there because you threw them out of your window apparently aaaaaand a sponge got angry because *COUGH* Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy died so we used a fat fish as a boat and we were supposed to kill you but I realised it would be way better for me to *COUGH* run away with you and do stuff together or something.
Squidward: Yes, I understood everything. You want to *COUGH* make out, don’t you?
Dennis: Yeah, that’s exactly what I *COUGH* meant!
[Dennis slowly pulls down his bandana and takes a deep breath]
Squidward: Oh Dennis, your breath smells *COUGH* terribly!
Dennis: Well then you better *COUGH* clean my mouth up!
Squidward: I would like that *COUGH* veeeeeery much.
[Squidward and Dennis start passionately making out]
[The screen moves to not so far away, where the police officer and Dr. Gill Gilliam’s crews are entering Jellyfish Fields]
Patrick: Zoinkers, I’ll probably never get over the trauma *COUGH* of seeing two people die in front of my eyes! At least Gary came out of his *COUGH* shell.
Gary: Meow……*COUGH*........MEOOOOOOW!
SpongeBob: Oh, poor Gary……*COUGH*.......maybe a good old hug from good old SpongeBob will help! [hugs Gary]
Harold: LOOK WHO *COUGH* SUDDENLY LOVES LIFE AGAIN!
Tom: YEAH!
Fred: SHUT IT YOU ANGRY FOOLS! I hope Squidward is alive, because I *COUGH* want to kill him.
Hoopla: Not if I *COUGH* do it first!
Squilvia: You mean me!
Junior: Oh dear.
Dr. Gill Gilliam: That glasses guy sure is one sick son of a *COUGH* barnacle.
Bubble Bass: Excuse me, his name is Dennis. Everyone will soon know his name when *COUGH* his backstory is revealed to the entire world. Although, I have this conspiracy theory that *COUGH* him and Squidward are actually-
Police officer: HIDE!
[They all hide behind a bush]
Police officer: I saw Squidward, he’s in a *COUGH* cave, making out with Dennis!
Hoopla: So that’s why I *COUGH* heard weird noises!
Junior: Wait, *COUGH* my dad’s cheating on my-
Squilvia: Who cares, we have been cheating on each other for *COUGH* ages!
Con man: You know, if any of you like the handsome guy known as me, for a good price, I could *COUGH*-
Shubie: Shut.
Police officer: Thank you. Now, it’s time to *COUGH* shoot!
[Everyone shoots at the same time, Squidward and Dennis stop making out and get behind the cave, so the bullets miss them. They then start running]
Dennis: You’re not the only *COUGH* ones who can shoot! [starts shooting at them while running]
Squidward: Oh, you look so *COUGH* hot!
Dennis: There’ll be time for *COUGH* another make out session later!
[The shooting and running continues, until the guns seemingly randomly fly off into the sky]
Hoopla: What the hell?! We were *COUGH* having so much fun!
Dennis: Quick, Squidward, let’s *COUGH* make out!
Squidward: HELL YEAH!
[They start making out]
Junior: This makes me very uncomfortable.
SpongeBob: Uh, I think I know what *COUGH* stopped our little battle.
[SpongeBob points at the sky, and everyone watches at where he’s pointing, seeing a gigantic flying vehicle that looks exactly like the faster than normal, enormous, black, and overall very cool-looking flying vehicle, but has got a giant magnet on top of it where all the guns are]
Police officer: Yes, *COUGH* the government!
Hoopla: No, *COUGH* the government!
Dennis: [stops making out] Good thing hitman school prepared us for magnets! My knife and stuff are not made of *COUGH* metal!
Squidward: Smart.
[They start making out]
Junior: I hate my *COUGH* life.
[From the flying vehicle, two people in hazmat suits come down]
Hazmat 1: Attention people of Bikini Bottom!
Hazmat 2: Unlike you, we will not be coughing!
Hazmat 1: We have some news: this virus you have, that makes you cough and stuff, is very dangerous! Which is why the safest thing to do at the moment is for y’all to go into your homes and stay there for 14 days without going outside!
Hazmat 2: It’s called quarantine. All the other Bikini Bottomites are currently in their homes, so each and every one of you must do the same and stay there for 14 days.
Hazmat 1: We will barricade the doors so you can’t get out.
Hazmat 2: And if you manage to get out, we’ll shoot you.
Hazmat 1 and 2: NOW GO!
[Old Man Jenkins drops from the sky]
Old Man Jenkins: HELLO!
Junior: *COUGH* OLD MAN JENKINS?!
Old Man Jenkins: I always die, but I *COUGH* never do! AHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
[A montage of people going into their homes plays, as the French Narrator narrates]
French Narrator: Ah, Bikini Bottom…..this city sure had some eventful couple of days. Yes, season 2 of The Amazing World of Squidward started on the 18th of September of 2019 and ended on the 18th of June of 2021, like spin-offs do. It started as just another, better version of the atrocious first season, and then Bubble Bass ate a raw jellyfish. It has been a wild ride, and the third season…..oh boy, you don’t know what’s going to happen.
[The montage ends with Squilvia and Junior going into Squidward’s house, and Squidward and Dennis going into the destroyed cult house, making out as soon as they enter it]
French Narrator: 14 days later….
[The hazmat suits people are standing in front of a crowd of people, and sitting next to them are the Bikini Bottom police and Dr. Gill Gilliam]
Hazmat 1: Looks like Bikini Bottom is finally back to normal!
Police officer (Bikini Bottomite): Oh trust me, in this city, nothing is ever normal!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Heheh, true! But at least, at last, this virus is over! 
Hazmat 2: All thanks to your test and vaccine ideas!
Dr. Gill Gilliam: Nah, you two did everything!
Hazmat 1: You’re right.
Police officer (Bikini Bottomite): Hey, uh, that NKC officer told me something, so I think what I’m about to do is pretty appropriate. POLICE FRIENDS, LET’S GET THEM!
Police: [start running towards Squidward and Dennis] SQUIDWARD TENTACLES, DENNIS, IT’S YOUR FUNERAL!
[Squidward and Dennis, who were making out, stop and start running]
Dennis: Welcome to the new normal, Squidward. This was my life as a hitman.
Squidward: My life was also like this!
Dennis: Look, a boat! [he and Squidward get on a boat and drive away]
Police officer (Bikini Bottomite): COME BACK!
Old Man Jenkins: [comes out of the ground with a katana] YEAH!
Dennis: Ok! [goes back with the boat, running over the police and Old Man Jenkins, then drives away again, running over them again]
Squidward: WOOHOO!
French Narrator: Some driving later….
[Dennis and Squidward stop their boat in front of the entrance to Tentacle Acres]
Squidward: TENTACLE ACRES?! [jumps off the boat] Oh, this is like heaven!
Dennis: Heaven? [gets off the boat] Isn’t this place, like, racist?
Squidward: Not towards fish! I heard they just hate sponges and starfish…...which is bad…...but what else can we do? We have to run away from Bikini Bottom!
Dennis: Yeah, you’re right! But, before entering……
[They start making out, as the screen cuts to black]
== Trivia ==
* This is currently the longest episode of the series.
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