Ristar 31.9: Guacamole Bay

Ristar 31.9: Guacamole Bay is the 31s.9t game in the Ristar series and the final game in the Ristar 31 series. It follows Sonk Ristar, now 23 years old, as he goes to Guantanamo Bay to have sex. The game is seen as one of the worst videogames of all time, if not one of the worst pieces of media in general.
== Gameplay ==
The game is an interactive stealth opera played on the DK Bongos. If the player hits the bongo too hard, Sonk Ristar's shoes will squeak. 
== Development ==
The soundtrack was actually written by famous Russian librettist and composer Bosco “From Way Down in” Mosco. When pressed on why he decided to undertake this task, he said “i’ve always loved ristar. his red hooded head and limbs, his yellow body, his detachable hands, his scary boss music, his trick kazoo. i've found more in ristar than any relationship i've had in my life. oh, yes, i've seen the world and her children as they were meant to be. men, women, the elderly. and i’ve tried to love, believe it or not. at least, i once believed myself to be in love. a young woman, raised in the mountains of venice beach in spain. she would speak of her youth there, hunting wild crabs and peppers, but i would never listen. i would just imagine her wearing the most beautiful of hats, perhaps dressed as a football player or big game hunter. i know it wasn’t good for her, for us, but i couldn’t let go. we can’t escape our past, neither can we relive it. we would smoke, drink, make love, but in the afterglow in the morning sun i never really believe i saw her face. she died, that year. was shocked by an electric eel. i didn't shed a tear. i don’t often mourn for strangers."
== Story ==
the game is majority interactive cutscene with a few gameplay sections to break them up
=== Opening Section ===
Sonk ristar: what a dreary, boring day in seattle
Grey ristar: sonk ristar come downstairs, i need to tell you something
SR: i thought i told you, my days of being a sonk are over. i don’t want you to call me that anymore
GR: well then what would you like to be called
SR: i want to be called orphank ristar
GR: wow, you still consider yourself an orphan, 20 years after the death of your father
Orphank ristar: yeah
GR: after 20 years of me raising you as my own child
OR: yeah
GR: after i put you through college for 4 years so you can get your bachelor’s degree in science of engineering with a minor in rhymes to be like your greatest inspiration, scott steiner
OR: what did you even want me to come downstairs for
GR: i’m going to go on a trip. i don’t know when i’ll be back, or even if i’ll make it back alive, but it’s something i need to do. you could call it a favor for an old friend of mine. anyway i thought about it and there are some things i didn’t really do that i should’ve when you were younger.
OR: well what is it hurry up
GR: i never told you about the birds and the beans
OR: uh, yeah, i know they both fly and i can’t
GR: no. you see boy, when a bird and a bee love each other very much, the bird opens its cloaca and the bee stings it, injecting it full of semen. 1 to 30 months later, the bird will lay an egg. That egg is a small child, swimming in egg juice. that’s how you were born but not me. 
OR: i think i’m beginning to understand. i’ll have to do more research about this
GR: i’m going to miss you son. if you snoop around in my library, you’ll find my secret passage and you’ll understand everything
OR: okay bye
*OR goes upstairs*
OR: i need to go to my favorite website, 4chan.org, to find out more about this whole sex thing
OR: it’s time for my rapping section
ooh, yeah, log onto the computer
malware spam in my email, i juke her
cross her up, forgot my adblock and i’m hit
with a rather ugly girl trynna show me her tits
get out of the way broad cause i ain’t got time
if i don’t learn what sex is i’ll get left behind
open up /b/ and start a new thread
cause i wanna know the best way to get bred
an anon just replied, said the secret is prison
grey ristar told me to avoid that but i never listened
there’s a jail on my street just a couple blocks away
i believe goes by the name of Guacamole Bay
now the best way to get arrested is through crime
so i load up craigslist and put up a sign
saying free nintendo wii if you come to my place
i’ve laid down the bait, now i lie down and wait
*knock on the door knocks*
Shane the Shogun: i’m here for the nintendo wii
OR: ah, a customer! come in and take off your coat
Shane: ah cool okay where’s the nintendo wii though i wanna play my favorite game polar express for the gamecube
OR: it’s downstairs in the red room
Shane: ah cool
*they go downstairs*
Shane: should i sit in this chair in the middle of the room?
OR: i mean if you want, i gotta set up my livestream
Shane: oh, are you a justin.tv streamer?
OR: what the fuck is justin.tv
Shane: it’s this cool new website where people stream playing videos. i love watching people speedrunning ristar for the sega genesis
OR: alright that’s cool i’m streaming to the deep web though.
Shane: ooh neat. what are you doing with that machete?
OR: i need you to hold it for a second
Shane: what, with my arms?
OR: no, with your head!
*OR brutally slaughters Shane*
OR: now to send the VOD to the CIA to incriminate me
OR: and now i begin my big swim to Guacamole bay! I’M COMING.
=== After water battle 1 ===
OR: *spitting out crabs and sea moss* i made it, thank goodness d- grey ristar taught me how to swim
Officer Prion Disease: you look confused, boy? where are your balls, son?
OR: w-what?
OPD: sorry, old habit. what’s the purpose of your journey.
OR: my legal name is Sonk Ristar and i killed a man on an internet red room
OPD: ah man that’s pretty bad
OR: and i, stole
OPD: yes?
OR: and i, rode a bike without a license
OPD: that one isn’t as bad but you need to go to jail anyways
*they walk inside*
OPD: this is your new cell
Cell: hello
OPD: and this is your new cellmate
Cellmate: howdy
OR: hey, what’s your name
Cellmate: my name is Steve the Samurai
OR: are you in any way related to Shane the Shogun
Steve: you mean recently murdered mentor and master? why do you ask?
OR: no reason
Steve: alright, let's go the Guantanamo Bay Bowling Center
=== After bowling minigame ===
Warden Hogan: who were you just talking to
OPD: that was Sonk Ristar, he killed someone
Hogan: a little dude that young? that small? capable of such a feat? i can’t do this anymore. i’m announcing my retirement effective immediately. there are no jailamaniacs here for me.
Choir: he’s going home. by god, he’s coming home. Warden Hogan, he’s coming home, for ever. this is widely considered the most emotionally poignant point of the game. because Warden Hogan. he’s going home.
OPD: godspeed you beautiful bastard. i’m crying
=== Scene change ===
Officer: feeding time!
Steve: okay Sonk Ristar
OR: please, call me Orphank Ristar
Steve: i’m sorry for your loss. so the most important thing in the prison is who you sit with at lunch. there are the bloods, the crips, the chips, the crisps, the jocks, the nerds, the toddlers western division, the toddlers southern division, the racists, the veterans, the french, and the simpsons
OR: where do you sit?
Steve: i sit alone with my friends, Randy the Redcoat and Billy the Bitch.
Randy: oi mates fancy popping a squat on the local doozy? i’m quite peckish for a drink of the old meatery.
Billy: why would you bring this piece of shit with you steve, you’re making us a target for Him.
OR: who is Him
Steve: the most powerful prisoner of all. an exiled former ruler of the world, in fact. one verbal attack from him can leave someone’s brain shattered into tiny pieces. he goes by the name of
*suddenly, a hush goes under the entire cafeteria. out comes lord kanye, flanked by terrified minions.*
Lord Kanye: who’s this motherfucker
OR: you!
Kanye: no, ye
OR: ye!
Ye: looks like the small fry whose father i killed all those many years ago has shown up to challenge me
OR: look man i just want to have sex man but now that i know you’re here? i’ve been training for this. my name is Sonk Ristar. you killed my father. prepare to did.
Ye: for you, the universe where i killed your father is the most important universe of your life. for me, it was universe 2b. 
=== The rap battle ===
OR: well you think that you can get away with killing my pops
but now you’re rooming with a guy who got caught smuggling rocks
step up to me you get shot, sliced up and karate chopped
you get a burial at sea and on the boat we take shots
i inhereted bisexuality from grey ristar
but i can’t turn into bee, and i cannot drive a car
but i can stop some time and hool some hoops and spit some bars
i’m the new lord of this prison, on island of zanzibar
i graduated from the university of orlando
it’s not actually in florida but ohio
i’ve trained for 20 years to beat your up and send you to hell
i came here to have sex but aaaaah i put the pussy in underfell
you were a dirty fuckin dog, and i’m about to put you down
now you got a reservation six feet deep in the ground
you’re the lord? i wanna laugh, but i’m sick of fuckin clowns
and i’m like hamlet on this mic; like ophelia you drown
Ye: nice try, but me
uh here comes the lord say "yippee!"
rhymes smoother than a jar of skippy
after hearing what i say your mouth becomes sticky
line 4 here comes number five like nicky
everyone always say dark ristar is the cooler
but yall forget about R1574R
dont forget i always write bars
i read your mind like psychic nardwuar
okay things been a little too clean
time to rap about how straight i am
i shred dicks like i would paper, by the ream
if i ever saw a 2 man kiss i would be like "blam!"
skibbity do dop ive killed several cop
shmeebity pleeplee who are you im me
but straight and im not dark im the light (god)
now ill drop the scene keep it clean like mr clean
=== The climax of the story ===
OPD: oh no! the battle of rappers of the world has cause an electric spike in the atmosphere we’re gonna have a blackout!
Choir: blackout, blackout, there’s a blackout, watch out for the blackout
Prisoner 1: can i use a toaster?
Prisoner 2: you can’t. there’s a blackout
Prisoner 3: somebody turn on the lights
Prisonder 4: can’t turn on the lights because of the blackout
Prisoner 5: ah man, i just stubbed my toe. because of the dark
Prisoner 6: this would be the perfect opportunity for a prison riot
Steve: c’mon orphank ristar, we need to get out of here
OR: but, what about Randy and Billy?
Steve: they’ll be fine. randy has a musket and billy radiates such a powerful energy that no person can enter his vicinity without experiencing radiation that will manifest into cancer in the next 5-10 years. 
OR: pancreatic cancer?
Steve: especially pancreatic cancer
OR: that’s pretty bad, i’ll go with you.
=== After invisible stealth section ===
Steve: so what made you want to go to Guantanamo Bay
OR: i’m pretty sure it’s called Guacamole Bay
Steve: we’re in the fucking Guantánamo Province. it means land between the rivers. 
OR: where i grew up, we had guacamole on banana bread for breakfast every day. my fa- caretaker, grey ristar wanted me to grow strong. 
Steve: that sounds awful. i ate my favorite cereal, Normal Cheerios, for breakfast every day. Shane the Shogun (1809-2010) took me in as a kid and taught me the way of the sword. i miss him, i miss my blade. i’m sorry, we need to get out i didn’t mean to rant
OR: no, i understand. i was 3 when my dad died, i helped him kill ristar. then lord kanye created a robot that killed him. 
Steve: so that’s why they won’t let him in our stem classes
OR: yeah. grey ristar took me in, but i resent him for sheltering me. he didn’t want me falling down the path of my father. and he just told me about sex, and i accidentally killed your master on an internet red room because i thought it sounded cool.
Steve: that’s okay i forgive you, he broke my nintendo wii by trying to play Polar Express and Mario Kart Wii at the same time to see if they combined into one game. he didn’t even get me a new wii to make it up to me. but sex should be sacred and you should only do it with someone you love after you’ve been lawfully wedded by the catholic church.
OR: maybe you’re right.
*they look at each other*
OR: i need to get out of here, this was a mistake.
Steve: i’ll help you
OR: how? once the blackout clears they’ll be looking for escaped prisoners like me who are escaping
Steve: i’ll distract them, doing an ancient dance that is so beautiful that they’ll jump up and down in excitement, allowing you to sneak under their legs.
OR: thank you steve. i swear i’ll come back to get you some day. 
Steve: spring is coming. visit me in the fall?
OR: wait for me
Steve: i will
=== Final stealth section ===
*7 years later*
OR: well here i am, 7 years in the later.
GR: have fun at prison, son
SR: thanks for dropping me off, dad.
*Grey ristar drives off, and Sonk Ristar picks up his suitcase and begins his swim*
SR: wait a minute,,, does that sign say; Guacamole Bay? they did remember me
=== After swimming section 2 ===
Randy: fancy a trade? i’ll take yuor crisps for a swiggle of my fruit
Steve: sure thing
Randy: remember that bloke Billy the Bitch? poor sod died in that prison riot we had 7 skips in the rear.
Steve: yeah…
Randy: what’s the bad word, chaptain? 3 consecutive life sentences got you down? mind you, you did deserve it. you helped that robber ricky escape, you did. i hope you get sick and die from untreated wounds you fucking ponce.
Steve: his name was either Sonk Ristar or Orphank Ristar depending on the context. he said he’d visit me and he never even did. 
Warden Prion Disease: hey steve you have a visitor
Steve: who could it even be
SR: it’s me Steve i’m the Sonk Ristar speaking to you from behind the glass listen to me boy.
Steve: could it really be you?
SR: yes, but things changed. i have a mustache and glasses now to show that time has passed and now i go by Lawyerk Ristar.
Steve: why didn’t you visit me all those years ago, Lawyerk Ristar?
LR: you said to visit you in the fall you didn’t specify which fall so really this is on you.
Steve: yeah well you killed my mentor so now we’re even.
LR: i went to law school so i could get you and randy and ye out
Steve: why ye? i thought you hated him
LR: i do that’s why i want him out so i can kill him extrajudicially.
Steve: after you left i became the president of the prisoner’s union
LR: i noticed the sign. all that for me?
Steve: it was a token to remember you bye
LR: i’m going to get you out of her Steve if it’s the last thing i do.
== Sequel ==
The game ends on a cliffhanger, as Mosco intended the game to receive a sequel. Due to the game’s poor reception, it never got the sequel, which would’ve been a courtroom drama where Lawyerk Ristar fakes evidence and blackmails witnesses to get Steve, Randy, and Ye out of prison. It’s known that a second game in the universe set up by this game is in the works, following Grey Ristar’s journey.
== Trivia ==
* Despite Mosco’s admittance of psychosexual fixation with Ristar, the game is believed to be workshopped from an unrelated opera he was working on in the 90s.
* When the game is beaten on hard you unlock Gum mode where gum is on the bottom of Sonk Ristar’s shoes.
* In Japan and PAL regions, the guards in Guancanamol Bay taze Sonk Ristar. In America, they use a gun but they only have one and they have to share it so the game is significantly easier.
* Found in the games files are full models for Young Sonk Ristar, Dark Ristar, Ristar, R1574R, and Young Lord Kanye, implying there were originally going to be detailed flashback sections.
* In an interview with Trey_zazu, Mosco claimed the game was written in a 5 day binge where he did nothing but eat jellied hot sauce and drink bong water.
Category:Games