Thelma the Unicorn/Transcript

[crowd cheering]
[guitar plugs into amplifier]
[“Are You Gonna Go My Way” playing]
[female voice] SparklePalooza, give it up for the world’s next big musical legends.
One, two, three, four.
♪ We’ve got to hug and rub-a-dub ♪
♪ We’ve got to dance and be in love ♪
♪ Are you gonna go my way? ♪
♪ And I gotta, gotta know ♪
[crowd cheers]
And now, over here on lead guitar, my best friend, the six-string slayer, Otis!
Woo-hoo!
I’m gonna melt your face off!
[screams]
And over here on drums, the master of the beat, Reggie!
I’m a donkey.
Okay. I thought he’d say a little more than that.
Now finally, on lead vocals, the pony with soul is me, Thelma.
And we are The Rusty Buckets!
Woo-hoo! Yeah!
Hey, Otis, do you know what time it is?
Oh, I know what time it is.
Thelma, do you know what time it is?
Heck yeah, I know what time it is.
[crowd] Thelma! Thelma! Thelma! Thelma! Thelma!
[Otis and Reggie] Whoo!
[crowd] Thelma! Thelma! Thelma! Thelma! Thelma!
♪ Are you gonna go my way? ♪
[man] We love you, Thelma!
[music ends]
Ooh! Ouch.
We need softer hay.
Oho! That was sick!
Yeah, you got, like, three feet of air that time.
[groans] Well, I hope the judges like it. I just busted my tailbone, dude.
Can I be real with you guys? I don’t think it’s gonna be enough.
Okay.
If we really wanna kill this audition tomorrow, we’re gonna need some pyrotechnics.
Ooh, you even got a big guy in there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?! Oh!
[Otis and Reggie scream]
[thunks]
[wet sloshing]
Well, see you guys at work tomorrow.
OTIS: Go, go, go!
[grunts] What the heck was that?!
[“Hold On, I’m Comin'” by Sam & Dave playing]
♪ Don’t you ever be sad… ♪
Morning, Thelma.
Morning, Bob.
[moos]
Hey, Bessie. I thought you had the week off.
Nope. People gotta have their cheese.
[chuckles] Girl, you crack me up, getting all that overtime.
I hear you. I see you.
OTIS: Thelma!
Whoop-whoop!
Hey, Otis!
What you doing? How you feeling?
Ah! Ooh! Yah! Hee! [chuckles]
So you ready for the big audition tonight?
Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s do the dang thing.
We’ve been trying to hit it big for way too long.
Oh, come on. It hasn’t been that long.
It’s been ten years.
Don’t you finally wanna play somewhere that matters?
I’m happy playing music anywhere, as long as it’s with you.
[both chuckle]
[horn honks]
Thelma, watch out!
Whoa!
[laughs]
You trying to kill me, Reggie? You need to cut them bangs, son.
My bad.
[objects clattering]
[chickens squawking]
REGGIE: Aw, dang it. Not again.
[chicken squawks]
OTIS: Hey. So, uh, how are those new lyrics coming along?
What lyrics?
You know, the lyrics for the one song you don’t have lyrics for.
Come on, Otis.
That thing has stumped me since I was a kid.
[announcer on TV] And now, the world premiere
of Nikki Narwhal’s latest music video,
“Blubber Trouble.”
You’ve gotta see this.
Hold up. I gotta see this.
[“Blubber Trouble” playing]
[squeaks]
♪ They say there’s plenty of fish Swimming round in the sea ♪
♪ Well, don’t believe what they say There ain’t another like me ♪
♪ Don’t let this one get away ‘Cause, you see, I’m unique ♪
♪ I’m unique, I’m unique ♪
♪ Baby, you’ve got blubber trouble I’m about to blow your bubble… ♪
Wow. Now there’s someone who has it all.
No way. Nikki’s such a sellout. She’s as fake as it gets.
Who cares? That girl gets to sing at SparklePalooza every year.
That’ll be us someday. I just know it.
[farmer] Hey, Thelma, Otis!
Yeah, what do you want?
This manure isn’t gonna move itself.
[flies buzzing]
Yeah, Thelma. I can’t work like this.
Yeah, I got you. I’m coming.
[high-pitched clamoring]
FLY #1: Come on, Thelma, give us that manure.
FLY #2: We’re starving.
Y’all better not be laying eggs in my hair.
[gasps]
[flies scream]
FLY #1: She’s a fly eater! Get him out!
[snorts]
FLY #3: I was in her brain! I was in her brain!
[woman hollers]
I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
THELMA: Oh no.
Please don’t see me. Please don’t see me. Please…
[grunts] Oof.
[group laughing]
[spits]
Look at that avalanche of doo-doo, done fell right on her.
[laughing]
Thelma, is this your routine for the audition tonight?
No, Zirconia.
You know I’m singing.
You gotta be joking.
Ain’t nobody on earth wanna hear music from a plain old farm pony.
You look disgusting.
Girl, we have the looks and the talent.
And you got nothing.
[laughing]
[groans angrily]
Ew! What you doing?
Hey!
At least I don’t have crusty old pink eye.
What? Esteban, is she for real? Do I have pink eye?
Yeah, I think you do.
[screams]
[announcer] Opening tonight for our SparklePalooza talent search,
we bring you the Rhinestone Fillies.
[“Conga” by Gloria Estefan playing]
[crowd gasps]
[exclaiming]
Yah!
♪ Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga ♪
♪ I know you can’t control yourself Any longer ♪
♪ Feel the rhythm of the music… ♪
[crowd gasps, cheers]
Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!
[groans]
[Esteban trills]
[crowd cheering]
[Esteban] Is this a dream, or is it reality?
[crowd] Ooh!
[quacks]
♪ Come on, shake your body Baby, do the conga ♪
[song ends]
[crowd] Oh!
[cheering]
[quacking enthusiastically]
Whoo! Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about.
[cheering continues]
Otis, I’m so nervous I feel like my heart’s gonna drop out of my butt.
That’s scientifically impossible.
No, really, I can feel it.
[announcer] Hello!
Next up on our talent search tonight,
an original song performed by, uh…
The Rusty Buckets?
[flies buzzing]
[soft hopeful music playing]
[cymbal clangs softly]
[breathes deeply]
[whoosh echoing]
You got this.
[feedback buzzes]
Whoo. [chuckles]
Hey, everybody.
We’re The Rusty Buckets, and… and we’re really excited…
Next!
Wait, wait. What?
Off the stage, please.
But we didn’t even get a chance to perform our song.
I’m sorry, kid. There’s no future here. Okay? Keep it moving.
Hold up. We’ve waited years for this opportunity.
What’s not working for you?
[scoffs]
Look, babe, you just don’t have “it.”
“It”? What do you mean?
We just want people with a certain look.
Someone that sparkles and lights up the stage,
not some forgettable farm pony.
What?
Yo, yo, you gotta be something special to perform at SparklePalooza.
I’m sorry, but you will never perform there.
Now, you listen here, buddy… Whoa!
Oh!
Whoa.
[thuds]
[cymbals clash]
[laughing]
Thelma!
[melancholy music playing]
[sign buzzing]
[judge] You’ll never perform there.
THELMA: Now, you listen here, buddy… Whoa!
[crowd laughing]
[dramatic voice] Never gonna happen!
[in deep voice] Good evening, fair maiden. Why the long face?
I have come from afar to cheer thee up.
Wilt thou join me on a quest?
[inhales, sighs]
Sure.
Let me transport you to a realm of goblins, sorcery,
and 19th-century homesteaders on the Oregon Trail.
[neigh echoing]
It’s a completely original role-playing game I’ve been developing.
I call it Dungeons and Wagons.
What?
[sings angelic note]
Mmm!
My character is a donkey warlord named Donk-Truvious.
Check it out. He’s got a fake nipple that doubles as a ninja star.
[clinks on table]
OTIS: Whoops.
Donk who?
Here, this is your character.
She’s a hardened pioneer pony who dabbles in martial arts.
She also just beat cholera, so she has super high stamina points.
What do you wanna call her?
[sighs] Horse Lady?
Come on, you can do better than that.
Okay, fine. Then Sad Horse Lady.
[chuckles] What? That’s weak.
Why can’t I just be this unicorn?
Oh, sorry, everyone wants to be her.
She’s a level 300 cleric.
You can only unlock her after you sell your soul to a shape-shifter warlock.
Okay, okay, so our wagon train
has just been attacked by a horde of goblins,
and we are the only survivors.
[sighs] I’m sorry, Otis.
This game is really great,
but I’m just too bummed out to play it right now.
Hey, don’t worry about what happened tonight.
Pfft! Yeah, right. You heard what those judges said.
It’s never gonna happen for us.
No way, Thelma. We’re just getting started.
We’ll have plenty of other chances.
No.
Everyone’s always told me I didn’t have the right looks for this.
And you know what? I think they’re right.
[sighs]
Well, I think you’re perfect.
[somber music playing]
Good night, Thelma.
[rooster crowing, squawks]
[birds chirping]
[melancholy music playing]
[groans]
[thuds]
[dings]
[flies buzzing, clamoring]
[flies] Yay, breakfast!
[woman] Group photo, everyone.
ESTEBAN: We did it.
Rhinestone Fillies, man. We killed that last night.
Ew. Move your eyeball.
ZIRCONIA: Did we show up and show out? Yes, we did!
[woman] That was amazing!
[all laughing]
ZIRCONIA: Wait, hold on now. Make sure you get my good eye.
[crunches]
[glitter music plays]
[soft hopeful music playing]
[wheelbarrow crashes]
[chickens clucking]
[mud sloshes]
[glitter shimmers]
[soft hopeful music continues]
[neighing playfully]
Thelma?
[music stops abruptly]
[Thelma] Mmm…
Oh, hey.
Hey, weirdo. Nice carrot horn.
Otis, what do I remind you of?
Uh… A pony with a large edible mass growing out of its brain?
What? No, you ding-dong.
Come on, for real this time. Try again.
[rattling]
Ah. [chuckles]
Wait, I got it. You’re a carrot with a pony stuck to its butt.
Wrong! Come on, Otis. You can do better than that.
[munching]
[goat blabbering]
[laughs]
Uh… Oh, you’re the new mascot for Root Vegetable Awareness Month.
Otis, you’re killing me.
[warbling]
[tires screech]
[screaming]
[in slow motion] Look out!
Huh?
[dramatic music building]
[tires screech]
[paint splashes]
[music fades]
THELMA: Ugh! Gross! What is this stuff?
[shaking]
Uh… Thelma, I think you better go take a look at yourself.
THELMA: I swear, that dude needs to learn how to drive.
[mystical music playing]
[gasps]
What?
I’m a unicorn.
I’m a unicorn.
I’m a unicorn!
Woo-hoo!
[grunts, laughs]
A fake unicorn.
Ha ha! Who cares?
Take a picture of me so I can post it on Pigstagram.
Oh! Wait, wait, wait. Let me delete my old account first.
I’m gonna create a whole new profile. It’ll be like the old me never existed.
Don’t delete the old you. I’m friends with the old you.
[explosion booms]
Yeah.
Are you kidding?
Here. Just take the photo. Just take the photo.
Okay, okay, okay. Ready?
One, two, three.
[camera clicks]
Let me see. Let me see. How do I look?
Oh. [clicks tongue] Man, stop playing with me.
[chuckles]
For real this time.
[gasps] Look! Look! There’s a unicorn! I told you they were real!
[all screaming]
[screaming continues]
[brakes screeching]
[girl screaming]
[laughs gleefully]
Unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn, unicorn!
Unicorn!
Whoo!
So you’re just gonna let people think you’re a real unicorn now?
This is the best day of my life. Oh my gosh, she’s so beautiful.
Well, I’m definitely not gonna break that little girl’s heart.
Hi.
Oh, hey, baby. What’s your name?
Suzie.
What’s your name?
Thelma.
Thelma?
Thelma the Unicorn?
Can I take your picture?
Yeah, girl. Course you can take my picture.
But watch out.
My sparkles might blow up your phone.
[giggles]
Is this real? This is a mirage.
MOM #1: I can’t believe this.
MOM #2: What a dream duo.
MOM #1: Okay, get ready.
MOM #2: Say “cheese.”
BOTH: Cheese!
[camera clicking]
[both gag]
MOM #1: Smile with them teeth!
MOM #2: Honey, all of your teeth.
Like this?
MOM #2: Too much teeth, baby.
[giggles]
[gasps] Unicorn dust?
I’ll bet it tastes like candy.
[both chuckle]
Ooh, rub some of that dust on me.
[Suzie] Here you go.
Thank you so much.
[indistinct chatter]
[woman] Check this out.
Hold up.
I don’t believe it. A real unicorn!
[old man] I wonder if she can grant me eternal youth.
Can your horn shoot lasers?
Um…
Does your poo smell like flowers?
Well…
What color is your blood?
Rainbow colored.
You don’t really sound like a unicorn.
Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?
I thought they were supposed to sound like…
[high-pitched] “Hi, I’m a unicorn! My tears turn into glitter and cupcakes!”
Yeah, well, all those unicorns got eaten by dragons.
[all] Oh.
Can you do anything magical?
Magical?
[man] Yeah, can you?
Uh… Yeah. I can sing.
[child] Sing for us!
Sing for us!
Sing!
[child] Please?
Otis, go get your guitar. This is our big chance.
You can’t be serious.
You wanna perform like this?
Yes!
Um… Excuse me?
Are you really a real unicorn?
[music fades]
Yes. Yes, I am.
[neighs]
[crowd cheers]
No way!
Cool.
[boy] All right!
REGGIE: Psst. Thelma.
Reggie?
The new makeover looks sick.
Otis, get over there.
[sighs] You’ve gotta be kidding me.
[indistinct chatter]
[inhales, exhales]
[strumming upbeat tune]
[drumstick clicking]
♪ Something’s moving Something’s there ♪
♪ Something’s blooming in the air ♪
♪ I can hear it ♪
♪ There’s a spirit whispering in my ear ♪
[scattered cheering]
♪ And it’s growing ♪
♪ Growing fast ♪
♪ Like the phoenix rising from the ash ♪
♪ It’s amazing ♪
♪ Once you face it Then you can’t look back ♪
[crowd cheers]
♪ Can you feel it? ♪
♪ It’s alive ♪
♪ And it’s never, never gonna die ♪
♪ Don’t you fight it ♪
♪ Just ignite it ♪
♪ The fire inside ♪
[cheering]
Otis, I think they like it!
I know. Keep going! Keep going!
♪ I’ve been dreaming for so long ♪
♪ Dreaming of a song ♪
♪ That the people love to sing along ♪
♪ Now I’m screaming ♪
♪ Screaming at the top of my lungs ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[whistles]
♪ Can you feel it? ♪
♪ It’s alive ♪
♪ And it’s never, never gonna die ♪
[phone pings] ♪ Can you feel it? ♪
♪ It’s alive ♪
[phones chiming]
♪ And it’s never gonna die ♪
♪ Don’t you fight it ♪
♪ Just ignite it ♪
[plate shatters]
♪ There’s a light on and it’s shining ♪
♪ Don’t you fight it ♪
♪ Just ignite it ♪
♪ The fire inside ♪
[phones chiming]
♪ The fire inside ♪
[song ends]
[cheering]
[child] Yeah! [giggles]
[cheering continues]
[child] Again! Again!
[woman] That was awesome!
[triumphant music swells]
Well… [exhales]…looks like we’re going to see a unicorn.
Suffice it to say,
we don’t get many unicorns putting on rock shows in these parts.
That’s just not something you see in this region.
No, not generally.
Thanks for coming. You too, bald guy.
Yeah, Thelma! Woo-hoo-hoo!
Yeah!
[chuckles] All right. Don’t forget about my band.
Hey, you guys want my autograph?
[man] No, thanks.
I can’t believe it, Otis. People actually liked our music!
That was insane!
Uh, but I think we should try to get that stuff off you now.
What? No way. Uh-uh. I’m not washing this off.
This is exactly what I’ve been waiting for.
I’m finally special.
You were special before all this, Thelma.
You don’t need this unicorn stuff.
And why not? You pretend all the time. You’re Dank-Poopy-Butt, or whatever it is.
[deeply] It’s Donk-Truvious.
And it’s totally different. That’s just a game.
But think about it, Otis.
No one even paid attention to us until I turned into this unicorn.
The Rusty Buckets finally have a lead singer that looks like a star.
Yeah, but I didn’t think this would be a forever thing.
Come on. People are finally giving our music a chance.
[sighs] Fine.
[phone chimes]
[squeals] Otis, look!
[phone chiming rapidly]
Yeah!
[dance music playing]
[chiming escalates]
[bubbles popping]
[grunting rhythmically]
♪ We’re dancing Dropping the beat ♪
♪ Splish, splash ♪
♪ We’re the Pool Boys We’re the Pool Boys ♪
♪ We’re gonna jump in ♪
♪ Clean ♪
♪ Keep it so clean ♪
♪ Pool Boys We’re the Pool Boys ♪
♪ Keep it so clean ♪
♪ Scrub-a-dub-dub You know what’s up ♪
♪ Pool Boys looking super buff ♪
♪ Rain or shine, you are fine… ♪
[song distorts, ends]
Pool Boys!
What in the heck are you doing?
I already done told y’all no more dillydallying around the veranda.
[water splashes]
[Pool Boys] Ah!
Nikki!
Hey, hey, you guys!
Ba-bam! Guess who’s back in the house?
[spits]
[Pool Boys] Aah.
[water burbles]
Good morning, Megan. How’s my favorite little assistant?
Doing great, Nikki.
[Pool Boys laugh]
Get in here, boys. The water’s great.
Whoo!
[Pool Boys] Whoo!
So you’ve got a photo shoot at noon, a blubber massage at one, and…
Oh!
[both laugh]
…you’re getting a seaweed colonic at three.
Blech.
[door opens]
[man] Hey, Nikki. What a morning.
[“Diamond Girl” by Nice & Wild playing]
[bird screeches]
[dolphin squeaking]
♪ If you can feel what I am feeling Then the truth is just believing ♪
Wow! ♪ You’re my ♪
♪ You’re my diamond girl ♪
Oh, baby.
[music fades]
Nikki, there’s an awful review of your show in the paper.
I don’t want you to hear it at all.
Listen.
“A bloated whale carcass was discovered in Las Vegas Friday night,
300 miles from the nearest beach.”
“It was Nikki Narwhal,
whose new show has a smell of low tide.”
Ooh, ouchie.
Vic, why are you reading this to me?
[yelps]
Yeah, Vic, what the heck?
Well, because I’m your manager, darling.
I don’t care what the critics say.
My fans love “Blubber Trouble.”
It’s the number one song in the world right now.
You’re right, Nikki. Number one, but with a two after it. Heh.
[groans]
Nikki, I’m going to tell you like it is because I love ya.
Your fame is on life support.
If we don’t find some kind of a jolt soon, your career will be dead as a dodo.
Well, then fix it!
[grunts angrily]
We need to build your brand beyond the music, Nikki.
We need to strategize.
You’re the manager. You strategize.
[dance music playing]
Megan, get me a bucket of cod. Now!
[crane truck beeping]
[Megan] You got it, girlfriend.
[Pool Boys whooping]
♪ Jump, jump ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
[music fades]
Later, Vic.
[phone notification beeps]
[cash register dings]
[interestedly] Oh.
[dice rattling]
[owl hooting]
Uh-oh. That’s not good.
[deeply] You just summoned a demon.
[intense tone plays]
Oh yeah? Well, bring it on, demon.
[Otis growls]
[Thelma] Spoon attack.
Deflected!
Yah! Yah! Yah!
[growling]
[exclaiming]
Ooh. No! You’ve taken my soul! [grunts]
[miniatures clatter]
[rock music playing in distance]
Hold up. Do you hear that?
Uh… Yeah.
[lively rock music continues]
Whoa. Is that…
That’s… That’s Peggy Purvis, the legendary music producer!
No way! I… I thought she retired.
[Thelma] What is she doing here?
I believe she’s here to see you, little missy.
[music ends]
Whoa.
Oh, those are some stinky licks.
[chuckles]
You’re pretty stanky yourself.
Woo-hoo! That sounded amazing, y’all!
Thelma! [grunts]
Thelma! Thelma! I just got to jam with a guitar legend!
I know! That’s so crazy!
Thelma, right?
Peggy Purvis.
Wow. Uh, I’m a huge fan.
That song you sang on the news today?
I ain’t never heard anything like it.
For real? Thank you.
How’d you come up with it?
Oh, that old thing? I wrote that a long time ago.
I just never had a chance to play it for anybody.
Gee, kid, you’re really something special.
And she’s a unicorn.
[scoffs] I don’t care what she is.
This girl, she could sing the phone book and make you cry.
[chuckles] I don’t know about that.
So, you kids wanna make a record?
[triumphant music builds]
[contained screaming]
[both exclaiming]
Knock-knock. Anyone home?
[contained screaming continues]
Are you serious? That would be our dream.
But I thought that you, uh…
Stopped producing music after I went blind?
Yeah, well, maybe you could be my comeback.
[gasps softly]
[Peggy] Grab your bags. I’m not getting any younger.
We’re making an album with Peggy Purvis?
What?!
[upbeat music playing]
Watch your step.
[electronics powering up]
Wow.
I’ve never been in a real studio before.
Whoa!
Oh! [chuckles dazedly]
[chimes tinkling]
Well, get used to it.
My gut tells me you gonna be in here a lot.
No way!
You recorded Patsy Swine and Smokey Buffalo here?
[Peggy] Sure did.
Someday, The Rusty Buckets’ picture’s gonna be up there too.
Boom.
[chuckling]
You know, it’s funny.
A lot of people told us we’d never make it ’cause we didn’t look like stars.
Well, it’s a good thing I don’t care what you look like, Thelma.
Peggy, be real with me.
Do you think you could get us into SparklePalooza?
Nope, can’t guarantee you anything like that.
But you can get yourself to SparklePalooza by singing the truth.
Sing it from your heart.
Yeah, I got this one song I’ve been working on
since I was a little kid.
Just never found the right words for it.
Baby, don’t worry about it.
Lyrics are like food poisoning.
It hits you when you least expect it.
[laughs]
Now show me what you got cooking in that songbook of yours.
It’s time to jam!
[upbeat rock music playing]
♪ If we all come from nothing ♪
♪ If we’re all made of stars ♪
♪ If trees can grow from tiny seeds ♪
♪ If destiny is to live your dreams ♪
♪ I say, why? ♪
♪ Why, why, why, why, why, why, why? ♪
♪ Why? ♪
♪ Why, why, why, why? ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Can’t it be me? ♪
♪ Woo-hoo, ooh ♪
♪ My roots run deep, so I can’t fall ♪
♪ My dreams don’t sleep They just grow tall ♪
♪ I can rise without fear ♪
♪ Let my truth be all I hear ♪
♪ I said why, why, why can’t it be me? ♪
♪ Why, why, why, can’t it be me? ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Why, why, why can’t it be me? ♪
♪ Why, why, why can’t it be me? ♪
♪ Why can’t it be me? ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Why can’t it be me? ♪
[music stops abruptly]
[man clears throat]
[intercom clicks]
Honey, I think you better take this.
[“Shake Your Pants” by Cameo playing]
[slurping]
Mmm.
Peggy, darling, I’ve got great news for you.
It’s Vic Diamond. Listen, I’m so glad you answered,
because I thought you’d probably be dead by now.
[glass shatters]
Hey, I’m delighted to be wrong this time.
What do you want, Vic?
Well, buckle up, Peggy.
I’ve called to make you and that singing unicorn an offer…
[munches]
…an offer you cannot refuse.
Uh… Yes, I can. Check this out. Refused.
Oh. Then I suppose you’re not interested in her opening for Nikki Narwhal today
at her live show.
Not gonna happen, Vic.
Come on, Peggy. I don’t have time for patty-cake.
I don’t have the cake,
and you know darn well I don’t have the patties.
[slurping loudly]
[exhaling] Ah.
You wouldn’t want to be the only one standing in the way of her success,
would you?
[sighs]
[strumming guitar]
What? What is it?
You kids wanna open for Nikki Narwhal this afternoon?
What?! Are you serious?
I don’t know, Thelma.
I don’t think we’re ready for a big stage like that.
What are you talking about? This is a huge opportunity.
I know we already talked about this,
but don’t you wanna wash the paint off first?
No way, man.
I ain’t gonna mess this up. It’ll ruin everything.
Peggy, we’ll do it!
[“Dance Across the Floor” by Jimmy Bo Horne playing]
[plane approaching]
[tires screeching]
♪ Ah, let’s do it Let’s dance ♪
♪ Dance across the floor ♪
♪ Get to it Let’s dance ♪
♪ Let’s do it some more ♪
♪ Ah, let’s do it Let’s dance ♪
♪ Let’s dance across the floor ♪
♪ Ah, get to it Let’s dance ♪
♪ Let’s do it some more ♪
♪ With your baby… ♪
[grunting]
Peggy, darling, baby, looking great.
Did you just buy your clothes at a rodeo?
Yeehaw.
Vic.
[groans]
Still rocking that handsome smile.
Good for you.
[groans]
Enough!
Oh, baby, look at you. You’re a star.
Like a fluffy piece of cotton candy with legs.
Yeah, well, I’m nothing without my band.
Vicky D! What up?
[apathetically] Oh, hello, donkey boys.
[gasps] Hey, look, I bought us some matching diamond bracelets.
And wowee, they’re connected.
Uh…
Okay.
[chuckles]
[Peggy grunts]
[Vic groans]
Come on, child. Let’s go.
[“Hollywood Swinging” playing]
REGGIE: Yeah! Whoo!
[chuckles]
♪ Hey, hey, hey… ♪
THELMA: Wow.
[laughs] These dudes sure like to dance.
These are the Pool Boys.
They say if they stop dancing, they die.
♪ Say hey, hey, hey… ♪
Right this way. Unicorns first.
Wow.
♪ Hollywood ♪
[whistles]
[Pool Boy chuckles]
♪ Hollywood swinging ♪
[grunting]
REGGIE: I think they want us to go in that limo.
♪ Hollywood… ♪
[grunting continues]
See you guys at the hotel!
Last one there’s a smelly donkey.
Ta-ta!
♪ The city of the stars Movies, women, and cars… ♪
[laughing]
[flies buzz]
[spits] ♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪
[beeps]
♪ What ya got to say? ♪
[beeping]
[beeping rapidly]
♪ Say hey, hey, hey ♪
[laughs]
[engine revs]
♪ What ya got to say? ♪
[coughing]
Oh man. What just happened?
[coughs]
[tires screech]
♪ Hollywood swinging… ♪
Bummer.
VIC: Look.
It’s your name in lights.
Wow.
♪ Hollywood swinging ♪
[music fades]
NIKKI: I don’t know why Vic thinks I need some silly unicorn
to sell tickets to my own show!
I’ve never needed an opening act!
That pink unicorn’s got nothing on you.
Now, hit me with that freestyle.
Yes, Megan.
♪ Mmm, a whale that sings ♪
♪ Mmm, a whale that sings really well ♪
♪ I’m a better swimmer than you ♪
♪ ‘Cause you got four legs And I got a tail ♪
[banging on door]
What in the…?!
[bellowing]
[gags, groans]
[door slams]
Oh, Nikki, darling.
Megan.
[inhales, spits]
This little honey horse is Thelma the Unicorn.
She’s a big, yet minuscule, fan.
Hey.
Ugh.
Okay.
Oh, Nikki, you’re so awkward.
[announcer] Opening today for the first time ever,
we bring you the viral singing sensation, Thelma the Unicorn!
Vic, I can’t do this without my band. Where are they?
Oh no. Do you think they’ve abandoned you?
No, of course not.
Some bands just aren’t ready for the big stage.
But they wouldn’t just bail like that.
You poor, poor thing.
I know how badly you wanted this.
Would you like me to cancel the show?
[murmuring]
[hopeful music playing]
No. I’ve been waiting for something like this my whole life.
Let’s do this thing.
Fantastic.
Now, let’s get out there and show everyone how special you are.
[music builds]
[crowd cheers]
[neighs]
[crowd cheering]
[soulful music playing]
[laughing, neighing]
Hi, everybody. I’m Thelma the Unicorn.
♪ When the world’s so big ♪
♪ It’s easy to feel small ♪
♪ When no one’s ever looking down ♪
♪ Now nobody sees me ♪
♪ And nobody wants to be me ♪
♪ I’m gonna have to show ’em now ♪
♪ I’m fresh out of chances left untaken ♪
♪ Gonna work on my moves, baby I’ve been making ♪
We love you, Thelma! ♪ I’m done shrinking to fit into spaces ♪
♪ It’s time to show the world ♪
Thelma!
♪ That I’m going places ♪
♪ Go big ♪
♪ Or go home ♪
♪ If you fall, dust it off And get back on your feet ♪
♪ You gotta go big ♪
♪ Or go home ♪
♪ Leave my fears at the door ‘Cause there’s no one like me ♪
[cheering]
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh… ♪
Vic, what are you doing? Those fireworks are for Nikki!
It appears that Vic Diamond has just given birth to a new diamond.
[chiming]
♪ Got my eyes on the prize… ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it right there.
We’re supposed to be opening for Nikki.
Uh, well, you guys showed up way too late.
♪ I’m fresh out of chances left untaken ♪
♪ Gonna work on my moves, baby I’ve been making ♪
♪ And I am done shrinking To fit into spaces ♪
♪ It’s time to show the world What I’ve been making ♪
♪ Go big ♪
♪ Or go home ♪
♪ If you fall, dust it off And get back on your feet ♪
♪ Ooh… ♪
Good luck finding a new manager, Nikki…
[blows]
[gasps]
…because we’re through.
♪ No ♪
♪ Go big ♪
♪ Go big ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Yay!
Thank you, thank you so much.
[Nikki growling]
[crowd gasps]
[perilous music playing]
Get off my stage!
[Megan] Yeah, beat her good!
No, please, please, please, please!
[Nikki laughing]
[zapping]
[convulsing]
[gasps]
[exhales]
DJ, play my music!
[“Blubber Trouble” playing]
Go away! No, thank you!
Boo!
[growls]
Unicorn! Unicorn!
Unicorn! Unicorn!
NIKKI: You wanna see her again?!
[crowd] Unicorn! Unicorn!
NIKKI: Whoa!
[grunts]
MEGAN: I got you, girl. [yelps]
[exhales]
I’m so sorry, Vic. I… I didn’t mean for this to happen.
One supernova must implode so a new star can take its place.
[objects clattering]
I could turn you into the biggest star on the planet, Thelma.
Thanks, Vic, but I’ve already got Peggy to help me with my music.
Thelma, Thelma, if you stay with Peggy, you’ll never make it to SparklePalooza.
Don’t you get it?
Working with me will guarantee you play there someday.
Well, can I bring my band with me?
Of course you can, darling.
[fireworks exploding]
[Pool Boys screaming]
Sign with me, and your dream will become a reality.
[crowd] Thelma! Thelma! Thelma!
Thelma! Thelma! Thelma!
VIC: I’m only going to make this offer once.
Congratulations, my dear unicorn.
We are officially in business.
[loud explosion]
[Nikki roars]
Now, let’s get out of here before that whale impales us both.
[cheering]
[camera shutters clicking]
[triumphant music playing]
[woman] Thelma, take a selfie with me!
Whoo! Thelma!
I have these adoption papers that will legally make me your son!
Will you sign them for me?
[Thelma chuckles]
[crying]
[helicopter blades whirring]
Look, your very own unichopper.
Wow.
OTIS: Thelma!
Hey, let go of me. Thelma!
Otis?
Wh… Where have you been?
We’ve been trying to find you. Why’d you perform without us?
What was I supposed to do? You guys completely abandoned me.
We didn’t abandon you.
A missile came out of nowhere and blew up our car.
Tsk. Come on, Otis. You don’t have to make up stories.
Just tell me the truth.
No, I’m serious.
Look, I don’t wanna fight with you.
Vic promised me he could get us all to SparklePalooza, so let’s go.
[sighs]
I knew this unicorn stuff would go to your head.
Gimme a break. You didn’t even wanna be here.
You said we weren’t ready for the big stage.
Mommy, is this donkey bothering you?
Hey, hold on. Who is this?
[grunts] I am her son.
Your son?
Yeah. Go away.
You’re just gonna let your son talk to me like that?
Otis, I’ve been wanting this my whole life.
I’m tired of being overlooked.
If you’ve been wanting this your whole life,
then why are you screwing it up by pretending to be someone else?
[dramatic music crescendos]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[crowd cheering]
[blows kiss]
[dramatic music continues]
We love you, Thelma!
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[reporter] Will Nikki Narwhal ever bounce back from her epic meltdown?
[man] Run away!
[woman] “Blubber Trouble!”
[reporter] Or is it the end of the road for this disgraced diva?
Look out, Nikki, ’cause you’re about to get replaced by Thelma the Uni…
[distorts, powers down]
[screams]
[chomps, swallows]
Listen, Megan, and listen a lot.
The only way I’ll ever be back on top is if we destroy Thelma.
Ooh, are we talking about murder here?
What? No!
I just need you to dig up the dirt that will ruin her forever,
because everyone’s got secrets.
Oh wow. [chuckles]
You are so dang smart, Nikki.
I swear, it’s that big ol’ whale brain of yours.
Thank you. My doctor says it’s mainly water.
Boom, Nikki, you go, girl!
Well, what are you waiting for?
Get out there and find that unicorn’s dirty little secrets!
[chuckles awkwardly]
Oh yeah.
[chomps]
[sentimental music playing]
Boom shebang.
Good morning, my little pink glitter puff.
I’ve brought you some noodles and candies.
Um…
I don’t know what unicorns eat. Is it noodles and candies?
Vic… [sighs]
…I think I’ve made a huge mistake.
Oh no. What is it, my love?
I shouldn’t have left my band and Peggy like that.
Oh, come, come. That ship has sailed, darling.
But don’t you worry,
because we’re gonna make some sweet unicorn magic together.
[sighs] There’s something I got to tell you first.
Yes?
I’m not a real unicorn.
[gasps] No! Please tell me you’re joking!
[dramatic music builds]
Oh wait. I don’t care.
You don’t?
Of course not. You think these teeth are real?
[organ note rises]
Aah!
[clears throat]
Truth is the death of success.
The most important thing in the music biz is how you look.
Why don’t you chew on that knowledge bomb and see how it tastes?
Oh yeah.
[sighs] All right, then. Tell me what I gotta do.
That’s my unicorn.
[groovy music playing]
You’re lucky, because I’m going to teach you
what I taught me a long time ago.
The Three Cs to Success.
Step one, change.
To be successful, you have to change, not once, but every day.
Sometimes twice a day.
But I’m already a unicorn.
♪ Change your look Change your name ♪
[whirs] ♪ Change your tail ♪
♪ Change your mane ♪
♪ Change your moves ♪
♪ Change your style ♪
♪ Change your hooves ♪
♪ Change your smile ♪
♪ Step one of the Three Cs to Success ♪
That doesn’t look like me. ♪ Oh yes ♪
♪ Stick with me Baby, you’ll go far ♪
♪ I’ll make you shine Like the brightest star ♪
♪ You’re gonna light up the galaxy ♪
♪ And all it takes Is the Three Cs to Success ♪
Step two, cologne.
What?
Perfume, eau de toilette,
whiffy stuff, the nose jollies, darling.
Do I smell bad or something?
♪ You want encores And standing ovations? ♪
♪ You need to cause olfactory sensations ♪
♪ You wanna be the belle of the ball? ♪
♪ You need to have The biggest smell of them all ♪
♪ Your own cologne That’s when you know you’ve arrived ♪
♪ We’ll call it Unicornia No. 5 ♪
[glass shatters]
♪ You wanna shine like a supernova ♪
♪ You need to hit ’em with a unique odor ♪
♪ They’ll wanna smell like you From here to Paris ♪
♪ That’s step two Of the Three Cs to Success ♪
[music slows] ♪ When I was a boy ♪
♪ I was a nobody ♪
♪ Nobody knew my name ♪
♪ No one would dance with me ♪
♪ They’d say ♪
Ew, who is he?
[mumbles uncertainly]
[both laughing]
VIC: ♪ Then they’d turn and run away ♪
♪ That’s when I knew ♪
♪ If I want to be somebody ♪
♪ I have to be somebody ♪
[crowd gasps]
VIC: That’s when I changed my name from Dick Cumbersome to Vic Diamond.
I became a mover and a shaker.
I became the Star Maker.
But I digress.
Back to my Three Cs of Success.
The third C, partnership.
But that don’t start with a C.
Nobody interrupts Vic Diamond except Vic Diamond.
My bad.
Now, where was I?
♪ One star power Well, that has potential ♪
♪ Two stars combined Babe, it’s exponential ♪
♪ With a celebrity by your side ♪
♪ You’ll see what happens When two stars collide ♪
♪ You’ll explode into a constellation ♪
♪ My dear You’ll be an overnight sensation ♪
♪ Stick with me Baby, you’ll go far ♪
♪ I’ll make you shine Like the brightest star ♪
♪ Today, a star is born ♪
♪ And that star is a unicorn! ♪
♪ With Vic Diamond’s Three Cs ♪
♪ Vic Diamond, that’s me ♪
♪ Vic Diamond’s Three Cs ♪
♪ To Success ♪
Oof.
Oof.
Boom shebang.
So, what’s the plan now?
I’m so glad you asked.
See that handsome stud over there?
That’s Danny Stallion,
VideoTubeTube megastar.
[drawling] Hey, nice to meet you too.
No way. Uh-uh. I do not want a fake boyfriend.
He got famous last year for his chewing cud videos.
[upbeat music playing]
[chomps, swallows]
Uh-oh! Here comes the cud!
[gas burbling]
[air horn blows]
[Thelma] Ugh.
Nasty. He got famous for that?
Over a billion views and counting.
Now, get over there and make some sparks fly for the cameras.
What?
Give love a chance.
[groans] All right. You’re the Star Maker.
Off we go. This is happening.
[claps hands]
Oh, thanks, Danny.
Yeah, don’t spend it all in one place. [chuckles]
Uh… You must be Danny.
Hey! You must be Thelma.
[drawling] You wanna see something cool?
Uh, no, I’m good.
[softly] Hey, aren’t you gonna play along? There are people watching us.
Whoa, what happened to your voice?
Come on, you know. This whole thing is just an act.
I’m actually studying to become a brain surgeon.
You are?
Gotta pay for med school somehow, right? Now, let’s give the people what they want.
Okay.
[belches]
Uh-oh! Here comes the cud!
[gags]
[gas burbling]
[snorts]
[cheering]
The coolest!
[inhales, swallows]
[chuckles]
[paparazzi shouting]
Danny and Thelma, over here!
Hey, Danny!
Hey, lovebirds!
Big smiles for the camera!
[Danny laughs] Gnarly.
[camera flash charging]
[dramatic music playing]
[roars]
[growls]
[Otis, deeply] Ever since Sad Horse Lady left my side,
the goblins have laid siege to the Oregon Trail.
Will life on the prairie ever be the same?
[goblin groans, grunts]
Woo-hoo!
[creaking]
[woman gasps]
[dramatic music builds]
[roars]
Much obliged, stranger.
The pleasure is all mine.
[goblin 1 growls]
[groans]
[goblin 2 grunts]
[Thelma] Donk-Truvious!
[goblins roar]
Thelma?
[growls]
Look out!
Leaving you was a huge mistake, Donk-Truvious.
Let’s get the band back together and join forces posthaste.
[Otis] That’s a splendid idea.
Too late for that, bro.
[screams]
Looks like Thelma’s already got a new bandmate.
What?
[jaunty music playing over phone]
[reporter] The hot new couple now known as “Theldannystanicorn” went public today,
announcing a whole new line of game-changing products.
[Thelma] Yeah!
Don’t forget to try our new cereal, Thelm-O’s and D-Flakes.
Yummy-yum!
As a special prize, I’ve hidden five unicorn hairs inside each box.
Whoo!
Shove it in your face!
I’m really sorry, boys.
[Otis sighs]
[Vic] Welcome to Huge Sellout Records,
where everything we make sells out immediately.
[disco music playing]
[Vic] Right this way. Watch your step.
This is my inner sanctum, where all the magic happens.
Can you smell the success?
That’s my cologne.
[Danny chuckles] Cool.
Uh… Where are your instruments?
Oh, Thelma.
[Vic and Danny laugh]
You can drop the act, buddy. There’s nobody here.
Sorry.
Sometimes I think the character I created might actually be the real me. [echoing]
[mysterious music plays]
Oh boy.
This is our lyrics room…
[keys beeping]
…and that’s Bridget,
the AI machine that generates all the hits.
Any ideas for a song, you two?
Oh yeah. I got a song idea right here.
I just need some lyrics for it.
No, no, no, no, no.
We’re not making your music, you silly goose.
The algorithm will give us the groove.
What are you talking about?
I got a book full of jams ready to go right now.
We just gotta go in there and lay ’em down.
Uh, how about, why don’t we make a song about my cud?
Are you for real?
Excellent idea, Danny Stallion.
Bridget, give me a song
about the partly digested food particles known as “cud.”
[Bridget] Anything for you, Vic.
[powering up]
[deep electronic voice] Calculating.
Doo, doo, doo, doo.
[triumphant music plays]
Nice one, Bridget.
Get ready, you two.
We’re about to shake the world.
[hip-hop music playing]
[Danny] Turn it up.
[volume increases]
[Danny] No, turn it down. That’s too much. Can I get some snare in the headphones?
♪ Uh-huh, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Uh-huh, here we go ♪
[burps] Ooh, pardon me.
[clears throat] Excuse me.
Oh boy.
♪ Refried beans, biscuits and gravy ♪
♪ Egg salad, broccoli Let’s party, baby ♪
♪ Pepperoni pizza, macaroni and cheese ♪
♪ Garlic, salami And a pickled onion, please ♪
♪ I keep on eating till I hit high tide ♪
♪ Shake my belly, baby Till I bubble up inside ♪
♪ I take my food to higher state ♪
♪ And then wait, wait, and wait ♪
♪ Till I regurgitate ♪
♪ Here comes the cud ♪
[in auto-tune] ♪ Ooh ♪
[burps] ♪ Here comes the cud ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
[burps]
♪ Here comes the cud ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
[burps]
♪ Nothing else can beat this feeling Baby, let’s just keep on eating ♪
[Thelma] ♪ Some people think That my baby is crass ♪
♪ The way he belches And builds up his gas ♪
♪ Yeah, my baby’s table manners are rude ♪
♪ But no one can say He doesn’t chew his food ♪
♪ I love my baby just the way he is ♪
♪ He’s my boo He’s my bud ♪
♪ And what he does is no one else’s biz ♪
♪ ‘Cause Danny Stallion Yeah, he’s my stud ♪
[Danny] ♪ Here comes the cud ♪
[Thelma] ♪ Oh, I can’t get enough ♪
Coming in hot. Coming in spicy.
[Danny] ♪ Here comes the cud ♪
[Thelma] ♪ Oh, I’m so in love ♪
♪ I’m so in love ♪
[Danny] ♪ Here comes the cud ♪
[Thelma] ♪ Oh, Danny Stallion He’s no dud ♪
[both] ♪ Nothing else Can beat this feeling ♪
♪ Baby, let’s just keep on eating ♪
♪ I’m so in love, I’m so in love ♪
♪ I’m so in love ♪
[Danny burps]
♪ I’m so in love ♪
[cheers]
[dinging] ♪ Here comes the cud ♪
♪ Oh, I can feel it now ♪
♪ Here comes the cud ♪
[laughing gleefully] ♪ Oh, Danny Stallion, he’s my stud… ♪
I never thought I’d have a song at the top of the charts. This is incredible!
[growls]
You know what to do, Meggy-Poo.
I sure do.
[cheering]
[“Bodyshakin'” by 911 playing]
♪ Sends a shiver to my soul… ♪
Hey. [chuckles]
There you go!
Hey, hey, y’all. Do the Unicorn.
Do the Unicorn.
Do the Unicorn. Do the Unicorn.
Hey! Hey!
[fans neigh]
Oh, the Unicorn!
[tires screeching]
Listen up, you weirdos.
You’re the best team I can find for $20 split six ways.
[raccoon chitters, whimpers]
But ain’t none of y’all are getting paid until you push that unicorn
to her breaking point.
Now, go!
[tires screeching]
[crowd cheering]
[neighing]
Thelma! Thelma!
Reggie?
Wow, you’re like a massive star now.
Will you sign this for me?
[chuckling] Are you kidding? Of course I will.
[meekly] Hi.
Otis? Oh my goodness, this is amazing! What the heck are you guys doing here?
Oh, you know, Peggy booked us a gig down the street.
Oh, congrats on the new single.
Danny must be amazing to work with.
Danny! Danny! Sign my poster!
[chuckles]
Awesome!
Will you sign my grandma’s urn?
Grandma! [coughs]
Guess what. We just found a new singer.
Reggie, be quiet.
You did?
No.
I mean, yes, we did, but…
[Reggie grunts]
Thelma!
[Reggie] That’s her.
Whoo! [laughing hysterically]
Whoa.
[screams]
I’m so excited to meet you! I am such a huge fan!
Oh… [chuckles] Thanks.
Like, I totally wanna cut off one of my horns so I can be just like you.
Don’t you love her?
It’s so inspiring to meet you!
Someone that sings her truth.
You’re like the most genuine artist ever.
[soft emotional music playing]
[chuckles nervously]
Yeah.
[man] Hey, you’re holding up the line.
[chuckles]
Guess we better go.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
[bleating] Bye!
See ya.
Take care of yourself, Thelma.
[girl] Thelma!
[man] We love you, Thelma!
[Otis grunts]
[laughing]
Oh baby! “Here Comes the Cud”
has just been nominated for Music Video of the Year!
[crowd cheers]
[Vic] Vic Diamond delivers again!
[crowd continues cheering]
[Thelma] ♪ I was the only unicorn On my rainbow ♪
♪ Oh, I was all alone ♪
♪ Without a reason to glow ♪
[camera clicking]
[Thelma] ♪ Red, yellow, orange, green ♪
♪ Pink and blue, they weren’t for me ♪
♪ Oh no ♪
[goat] Guys, we’re like a family now.
[Thelma] ♪ I had to indigo ♪
[man] Thelma! Thelma! Thelma!
[splats]
[grunts]
♪ Living on a rainbow Was a roller-coaster ride ♪
No, stop! Stop it!
♪ One day you’re up on top ♪
♪ Next thing You’re slipping down the slide ♪
♪ Life wasn’t always full of sparkles ♪
[camera clicks]
♪ And the light ♪
[gasps, snickers]
[crowd shouting angrily]
♪ I had no one there To hear me crying in the night ♪
[woman] Unicorn!
[man] Run!
♪ I had to make a change Make a change, make a change ♪
♪ I had to break the chain I had to get away ♪
♪ I had to make a change Make a change, make a change ♪
♪ I had to start again To find a better way ♪
♪ I needed to leave And find a place where I belong ♪
♪ Where I was safe And I could sing my little songs ♪
♪ Where I could be myself ♪
♪ And let my sparkles shine on through ♪
♪ Turns out that place ♪
♪ Was right here next to you ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ I had to make a change… ♪
[caterwauling]
♪ I had to break the chain ♪
♪ I had to get away ♪
♪ I had to make a change Make a change, make a change ♪
♪ I had to start again To find a better way ♪
♪ I had to make a change… ♪
[goat screaming]
♪ I had to break the chain I had to get away ♪
♪ I had to make a change Make a change, make a change ♪
♪ I had to start again ♪
♪ To find a better way ♪
♪ I was the only unicorn on my rainbow ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
[buzzing]
Thelma, I’ve got some amazing news!
[slippers squeaking]
I’ve just booked you to headline SparklePalooza in two weeks.
What?
I told you I’d make it happen.
Now, get yourself cleaned up.
We’ve got the Music Video Awards tonight.
[cheering]
[camera shutter clicking]
[paparazzo] Hi! Who are you wearing?
[electronic dance music playing]
[clamoring]
The world’s hottest musicians have gathered tonight in Hollywood,
hoping to win Best Music Video of the Year.
[limo horn beeps]
Returning for the first time since her big meltdown
is “Blubber Trouble” superstar, Nikki Narwhal!
Blubber Trouble’s here.
[all] Boo!
Oh, boo you!
[laughs]
[groans]
[Megan strains]
Push, Megan, push. Get me out of here!
I got you, girl.
[man] They’re here!
[woman] Thelma!
Could you ever imagine our lives would turn out like this?
Not in a million years.
Well, there’s no turning back now!
[cheering]
[“Slam” by Onyx playing]
[man] We love you, Thelma!
[Danny chuckles]
Hey, get my good side.
[crowd cheering, screaming]
Hey, make some room.
Thelma sent fans into a frenzy this week
when it was announced she’ll be performing at SparklePalooza.
OTIS: Thelma?
Thelma?
I just can’t wait to get on that stage.
OTIS: Thelma, over here!
Otis?
MAN #1: Hey, hey, who are you wearing?
VIC: We’re wearing Flavio Donzini.
Thelma?
DANNY: Hey, check me out.
Wait, Thelma! Wait! Wait!
VIC: Come on, you little babies.
DANNY: Hey, wish us luck. Bye.
[man 2] Danny, those chaps are fire.
And the award for Best Eyebrows in a Music Video
goes to the Treble Twins!
[crowd cheering]
[both exclaim]
Oh!
[grunts]
[upbeat music playing]
[both chuckle]
Those guys are great.
[gasps]
Oh no, Thelma! Your face is falling apart.
What?
I’d run to the loo and fix it.
Our category is almost up.
Oh no.
[tense music playing]
[exhales]
[dramatic sting]
Aah!
Hello, Thelma.
Ooh, girl!
You scared the jelly beans out of me. You just been hanging out in there?
[toilet flushing]
Here, I just wanted to give you this.
Oh. Uh, okay. Thanks.
It’s funny. I didn’t know unicorn horns could detach themselves like that.
[gasps] What?
Why you doing this?
Because I’ll do anything to get Nikki back on top.
[screams]
[menacing music playing]
Ugh…
[gasps, exhales]
[laughing]
A carrot?
Your magic horn was a carrot?
Ha!
I knew there was no such thing as unicorns.
Please, I… I can explain.
Oh, that won’t be necessary.
After I post this video, the whole world will know what you really are.
Just a phony little pony.
[laughs]
Oh man, I can’t wait to see the look on everyone’s faces
when they find out how you betrayed them.
Megan, please don’t do this.
I can’t go back to the way things were.
I’ll give you anything you want.
Too late for that, Thelma.
Time for the world to see you as the pathetic creature you are.
[gasps softly]
Wait, stop! Don’t!
[dramatic music stops]
Just…
Just let me disappear.
You’ll never see or hear from me ever again.
It’ll be like I never existed.
Fine.
But I want you gone for good.
Because if you ever try to come back,
you know exactly what will happen to you.
[somber music playing]
Bye-bye now.
[typing]
[phone beeps]
VIC: Thelma! Thelma, where are you?
[phone beeps]
Excuse me, have you seen a tiny pink unicorn,
loves to sing about farts and acid reflux?
Oh, never mind!
Thelma, Thelma, please, come to Vicky. Thelma!
[announcer] And the winner for Best Music Video of the Year
goes to “Here Comes the Cud” by Danny Stallion and Thelma the Unicorn.
♪ Here comes the cud ♪
♪ Oh, I’m so in love, I’m so in love ♪
♪ Here comes the cud ♪
♪ Oh, Danny Stallion, he’s my bud ♪
♪ Nothing else can… ♪
Uh… Where’d she go?
[cheering]
Mission accomplished.
Ha ha ha! Nice one. [chomps]
You’ll be back on top in a week.
Blast it!
Thelma’s missing!
[crowd gasps]
Huh?!
[groans, thuds]
I… I don’t mean to alarm you, but we seem to have lost Thelma.
What?
No!
Would everyone please take a moment and look under your seats for Thelma?
She’s a unicorn. She’s quite small.
She may have gotten trapped under your bum.
[panicked shouting]
[grunting]
[elephant trumpets]
[shouting continues]
[man] Thelma?!
[sighs]
[bus hisses]
The entire world is in mourning today
after learning about the sudden disappearance
of Thelma the Unicorn.
[sighs]
[reporter] Volunteers everywhere are desperately trying to find Thelma
in any way they can.
Thelma!
Thelma!
Thelma!
Mama!
It suddenly feels like all magic and hope have been lost in the world.
Thelma, where are you?
Thelma, please come home. We need you.
[clamoring continues]
[man] Thelma, we love you.
[woman] Thelma, where are you?
[somber music playing]
[tires screech]
[rattling]
Hey, horse lady, you need a ride?
[truck horn blares]
[truck driver chuckles]
[sighs]
So where you headed, kid?
Maybe the next rest stop so I can flush myself down the toilet.
[laughing]
Whoo! Well, I’ve heard that one before.
You know, being on the road makes you wanna ponder,
and I ponder a lot.
[slurps]
I might as well call my brain “The Ponderosa.”
Hey, you mind if I ask you a question?
Um…
[slurping]
Yeah, go ahead.
You ever wake up and realize you’ve been living a lie?
[slurping]
Boy, do I know what that’s like.
[car horn blares]
[thuds]
[truck driver chuckles]
[seat belt clicks]
H-h-here’s the deal.
I just got engaged to the woman of my dreams,
but I’ve been keeping a huge secret from her.
THELMA: Really?
[thuds]
What is it?
[road worker] No! No! No!
[grunts]
Well, I’m a world-famous champion on the underground clogging circuit.
There’s an underground clogging circuit?
[truck driver] Oh, we have dance battles in sewers and old grain silos.
[man] Whoa!
[truck driver] My fans call me Gregory Thunder Calves,
given the fact that my calves are so big.
[thunder booms]
[burbles]
So, what’s the big deal?
Why don’t you just tell your girlfriend the truth?
Well, I… [sighs]
I’m… I’m just afraid, I guess.
I mean, what if she hates clogging and totally rejects me?
Look, if she really loves you,
then maybe she’ll love everything about you,
even the clogging.
You really think so?
I mean, I hope so.
No matter what happens,
it’s gonna be better than spending the rest of your life living a lie.
You’re perfect just as you are.
Wow.
You must have, like, zero problems in your life.
[chuckles] Yeah!
[soft music builds]
[gasps]
Stop the truck!
[tires stuttering]
Whoa!
Something’s up, ain’t it?
We need to turn around.
I need to go back.
Well, let me just put the old turn signal on.
[bus horn blares]
[truck driver chuckles]
[solemn music playing]
[wind gusting]
[triumphant music playing]
[sirens wailing]
[wind blows]
[glitter shimmers]
Thelma?
Thelma!
[chuckles]
Where have you been? I’ve been searching all over for you.
Are… Are you okay?
I’m fine, Otis. I’m fine.
I’ve just been so worried about you.
But I don’t deserve it. I should’ve never left you guys.
It’s okay. You’re back now.
No, it’s not okay.
I screwed up big-time.
I thought being a unicorn would make all my dreams come true.
Instead, I lost the people who love me the most.
Stop it, Thelma. You’re making me blush.
No, seriously.
I’d be happy playing music anywhere, as long as it’s with you.
Thanks, Thelma.
You were right all along.
I’ve gotta come clean now.
Wait. Are you serious?
It’s time to show everyone who the real Thelma is.
Aah-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo!
[chuckles]
Sure you don’t wanna wear this bad boy again?
“Put me on your head, Thelma.”
Get that nasty thing out of my face.
[thunks]
[both gasp]
[man slurps]
REGGIE: Thelma!
[tired screech]
[chuckles] We’ve been looking everywhere for you.
[chuckles] What’s up, Reggie?
PEGGY: Hi, Thelma.
Peggy!
[“Dancing to the Beat” by Clarence Murray playing]
I’m so sorry. I never should have left you.
Don’t worry about it, kid. I knew you’d come around.
I’m sure you’ve already heard, but I’m not really a unicorn.
Yeah. I smelled paint on you from the very beginning.
[laughs] Come on, everyone.
SparklePalooza’s about to begin,
and no one’s stopping us from getting on that stage.
Hey, I think you’re gonna need this.
[both chuckle]
[all cheering, laughing]
[reporter] Thousands of fans from all over the globe have gathered
for SparklePalooza, the biggest music event of the year.
And while the world still mourns
over the disappearance of Thelma the Unicorn,
music’s top stars have shown up to perform in her stead.
[vocalizing]
[man] Oh yeah! ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Breaking up is hard enough… ♪
♪ Hard enough ♪
♪ Oh… ♪
[Vic] Hit it.
♪ But I called your bluff… ♪
[cheering]
[reporter] But many of Thelma’s fans are still holding out hope
that their beloved pink unicorn will return.
NIKKI: What up, land-dwellers?
[crowd] Huh?
Are you ready for this?
[bellows]
[laughing]
♪…with a kleptomaniac! ♪
♪ Breaking up… ♪
[reporter] In the meantime, Nikki Narwhal is back,
here to reclaim her crown as the original Queen of Pop.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
[blows kiss]
Stop. You’re plugging my blowhole.
Listen, if any of you morons see anyone pretending to be Thelma,
I want you to notify me immediately.
Any questions?
Is now a bad time to order a stuffed crust pizza?
I told y’all to eat before you came.
Now get out there and do your job.
[ostrich] I love my job!
OTIS: Reggie, are you sure this is gonna work?
REGGIE: Just trust me.
[chains clinking]
[radio host] And we now have Chuck on the line.
Chuck, are you ready to play The Million-Dollar Quiz Show?
I sure am, Bill.
[lock clinks]
Aw, how are we gonna get in?
Don’t worry, I know how to pick locks.
[blowing]
[dramatic music builds]
[grunts, chuckles]
Let’s roll!
[host] Chuck, for the million dollars, all you have to do is finish this title.
“Goldilocks and the Three…” What?
[brakes screech]
Huh?
[tires screech]
[radio host] Chuck, are you there?
Chuck, if you don’t answer, I’m gonna have to go to our next caller.
Well, better luck next time, Chuck. Goodbye.
[line disconnects]
Uh… Sorry. Bears.
“Goldilocks and the Three Bears.”
Uh… Hello?
[breathing heavily]
Come on, Reggie. Let’s go.
Just give me a minute. Jeez.
[muttering] These guys…
[lock clicks]
You kids better hurry. You got bogeys at your twelve o’clock.
Huh?
[frantic music playing]
Hey, what do you think you’re doing here?
[both gasp]
[beeps]
Intruders!
I repeat, intruders! Requesting backup!
[roars]
[Peggy growls]
[Chuck panting]
[grunting]
[grunts]
[groans]
Wow, that was… Ow!
Sorry. [clears throat]
Attagirl, Peg.
What y’all doing? Get going. We’ll hold ’em off.
Follow me. We gotta get to the stage.
Hey! [grunts]
[“Jump into the Fire” by Harry Nilsson playing”]
[engine revs] ♪ You can climb a mountain ♪
♪ Swim the sea ♪
Woo-hoo-hoo!
[screeching] ♪ You can jump into the fire… ♪
Did anyone order a stuffed crust pi…
[Peggy] Come get some, suckers!
We’ve got a 10-96!
Wait, there’s a code for this exact situation?
[“Jump into the Fire” continues playing]
[alarm ringing]
Woo-hoo!
They’ve breached the perimeter! [grunts]
[song stops abruptly]
[Reggie groans, grunts]
[man groans, wheezes]
CHUCK: Be on the lookout for a pony and a couple of donkey boys.
What?
[dramatic music playing]
Bingo.
[laughing menacingly]
[buzzes]
What? [growls]
[phone clatters]
Hey!
[thrilling music playing]
Sorry.
It’s straight ahead.
[ostrich squawks]
[man] Freeze! Don’t move!
This way!
[ostrich squawks]
Come on, Donk-Truvious. Show us what you got.
[in deep voice] The pleasure is all mine.
[guitar riff playing]
[triumphant music playing]
[screams]
[grunts] Ha ha!
[screaming]
[Thelma grunts]
[crowd cheering]
♪ You got me ♪
♪ Right where it counts ♪
♪ Right where it counts ♪
[crowd cheering]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
[burps] I love you, guys.
Hey, open up in there.
[banging on door]
[gasps]
[zapping]
What do we do now?
Nothing. You’re trapped.
[thuds]
Hello, Thelma.
[gasps]
[Megan chuckles]
You really thought you could just prance right in here
and steal my thunder again?
No, Nikki, I swear.
Well, news flash, Thelma. You’re nothing without your sparkles.
You’re just a worthless little pony that no one wants to listen to.
I’m the real horned superstar.
[laughs menacingly]
Boom. Nikki’s the real tuna, not some canned substitute.
Nikki, please. We don’t want no trouble.
Ha! You really wanna sparkle again?
This should do the trick.
[powering up]
[grunts]
[gasps]
[zapping]
[clinks]
[rumbling]
[whirring]
Stop them! [grunts]
[Megan strains]
[yelps, screams]
[laughing]
[Otis screams]
[grunting]
[laughs]
Girl, you ain’t breaking up this band.
[screams]
[Megan grunts]
[Nikki groans]
[uplifting music playing]
[growls]
[gasps] We’re finally here, Thelma! SparklePalooza!
[crowd] One more song!
One more song! One more song! One more song! One more song!
One more song! One more song!
Hey, I’ll be right back. There’s something I gotta do.
[crowd chanting]
Hey, w-w-wait! Thelma!
[curtains open]
[crowd cheering]
Yeah! Huh?
[crowd booing]
Who are those guys?
Boo! Get off the stage!
Boo!
[booing continues]
What should we do?
I don’t know.
Ow.
[man] Boo!
Boo!
[crowd falls silent]
[footsteps approach]
[Otis gasps]
Thelma?
What are you doing?
[hooves clopping]
[scattered murmuring, shushing]
[sighs] Hey, everybody.
I know you must be wondering where I’ve been all this time.
I don’t blame you.
I’ve been wondering that myself.
[soft music playing]
Ever since I was little,
I always dreamed about performing on this stage.
But I never thought I’d make it here because of how I looked.
Something inside me just kept telling me I wasn’t good enough.
Then one day, this crazy thing happened,
and everyone finally started paying attention to me.
But it’s not who I really am.
[gasping]
[Vic groans]
This… This is the real me.
[crowd murmuring]
I’m Thelma.
[gasps]
[gasping]
Boo!
[man] Boo!
[woman humphs]
I’m really sorry.
[booing continues]
I never meant to hurt anyone. I just…
I just thought it was the only way people would give my music a chance.
And now, I’d like to share a song with you.
I started writing it when I was a kid.
I just never knew what I needed to say until now.
All right, guys, let’s do this.
[sentimental music playing]
♪ Dare not look behind you You’ve come too far ♪
♪ Let the tears you shed remind you ♪
♪ Of who you really are ♪
♪ You searched the entire world Just to find ♪
♪ Everything you needed Was right inside ♪
♪ So turn your light on Let us see who you are ♪
♪ One in a million No one’s playing your part ♪
♪ Don’t be perfect ♪
♪ Like the moon and the stars You shine ♪
♪ Just as you are ♪
♪ Just as you are ♪
♪ When you can’t see the rainbow Through the clouds ♪
♪ When thunder breaks your voice And drowns you out ♪
♪ Darkness can’t exist Where there is light ♪
♪ So get up on your feet And rise and shine ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ So turn your light on ♪
♪ Let us see who you are One in a million ♪
♪ No one’s playing your part Don’t be perfect ♪
♪ Don’t be perfect ♪
♪ Like the moon and the stars ♪
♪ You shine ♪
♪ You shine ♪
♪ Just as you are ♪
♪ Turn your light on ♪
♪ Bring it out from within ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ If you feel broken That’s how the light gets in ♪
♪ Don’t be perfect ♪
♪ Don’t be perfect ♪
♪ Like the moon and the stars ♪
♪ You shine ♪
♪ I hope you know you’re beautiful ♪
♪ Just as you are ♪
♪ Shine your light Shine your light ♪
♪ I hope you know you’re magical ♪
♪ Just as you are ♪
♪ Shine your light Shine your light ♪
♪ I hope you shine for everyone ♪
♪ Shine your light, shine your light ♪
♪ Shine your light ♪
♪ I hope you know you’re beautiful ♪
♪ Shine your light, shine your light ♪
♪ Shine your light ♪
♪ Just as you are ♪
♪ Dare not look behind you You’ve come too far ♪
[crowd cheering]
[fireworks bursting]
[door squeaking]
Oh, Nikki, darling!
I’ve just become available to manage you again.
[humphs]
[hisses]
[bellows]
[exclaiming]
Hey, Otis, do you know what time it is?
Oh, I know what time it is.
Thelma, do you know what time it is?
Heck yeah, I know what time it is.
[cheering]
[music building]
Woo-hoo!
[laughs]
[music mellows]
[bird chirping]
[rooster crows]
[dice rattling]
Ouch.
What do you mean “ouch”?
I just rolled a 32.
Well, a half-orc with super low intelligence
just stole 80 pounds of your cornbread.
Well, can I just poop out some jelly beans?
Technically, yes,
but you also have dysentery, so they might be dubious beans.
[laughs]
PEGGY: Hey, ding-dongs!
Break time’s over.
We got an album to finish.
Be right there, Peggy.
ZIRCONIA: Thelma!
Can we take a picture with you? Please?
Of course.
Okay, everyone, let’s squeeze in just a little closer.
Oh, I cannot believe this is happening. Girl, I ain’t got no more pink eye. Oh!
Perfect. Okay, big smiles in three…
[rattling]
…two…
[laughs]
[chuckles]
[screeching]
[screams]
…and one.
[dramatic music playing]
[gasps]
[screams]
[splashing]
[music fades]
[spitting]
What?
[laughing]
[upbeat music playing]
[Thelma] ♪ Everything you’re looking for Ain’t out there ♪
♪ No ♪
♪ The gold is inside of you Just so you’re aware ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ Mountains don’t climb themselves You gotta do the work ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ From the top, we all look small Now that’s a word ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ I see ’em talking Need to find my blinders ♪
♪ I ride with stallions We’ll see all around us ♪
♪ No distractions Get focused like a lion ♪
♪ Who’s with me? ♪
♪ Hear that ticking It’s time you shine ♪
♪ Baby girl, you are a gold mine ♪
♪ Fearless! Full of pride! ♪
♪ See her in the mirror She’s a gold mine ♪
♪ Priceless! It’s your time! ♪
♪ Baby, baby girl, you’re a gold mine ♪
♪ Worth a fortune ♪
♪ On the inside ♪
♪ Baby, baby girl, you are a gold mine ♪
[backup singers] ♪ It’s an underdog takeover ♪
[Thelma] ♪ If you’re too small, too big ♪
♪ Too tall, too thin ♪
[backup singers] ♪ We’re stronger together ♪
[Thelma] ♪ Saddle up, it’s time to ride Know your gold is on the inside ♪
♪ Hear that ticking It’s time you shine ♪
♪ Baby girl, you are a gold mine ♪
♪ Fearless, full of pride ♪
♪ Yeah, oh ♪
♪ See her in the mirror She’s a gold mine ♪
♪ Priceless! It’s your time! ♪
♪ Hope you know, hope you know ♪
♪ Baby, baby girl, you are a gold mine ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Worth a fortune on the inside ♪
♪ Baby, baby girl, you are a gold mine ♪
♪ You’re a gold mine ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Stay true to you ♪
♪ Oh, you’re a gold mine ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The gold is inside of you ♪
♪ You ♪
[music fades]
[orchestral music playing]
[music fades]
[groovy music playing]
[music ends]
[Nikki] ♪ They say there’s plenty of fish Swimming round in the sea ♪
♪ Well, don’t believe what they say There ain’t another like me ♪
♪ Don’t let this one get away ‘Cause, you see, I’m unique ♪
♪ I’m unique, I’m unique ♪
♪ I’m gonna show you A world you’ve never seen ♪
♪ I’m gonna take you to places Like you’ve never been ♪
♪ Yeah, don’t you make a mistake In the green ♪
♪ You will freak You will freak, you will freak ♪
♪ Baby, you’ve got blubber trouble I’m about to blow your bubble ♪
♪ Out where the pressure’s double ♪
♪ We’re going down into the deep ♪
♪ You better hold your breath in ‘Cause, baby, where’s you’re going ♪
♪ There ain’t no more oxygen ♪
♪ We’re going down into the deep ♪
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We’re going down into the ♪
[rapping] ♪ Yeah, that’s right, wow You with Nikki Narwhal ♪
♪ Some take you high Well, I take you low ♪
♪ To places you never know ♪
♪ Where it’s just you and me And those freaky fish that glow ♪
♪ I’m the unicorn of the sea Don’t touch the tusk ♪
♪ Hold tight to my fin We’re going low down ♪
♪ I hope your mama Taught you how to swim ♪
[singing] ♪ ‘Cause, baby You’ve got blubber trouble ♪
♪ I’m about to blow your bubble ♪
♪ Out where the pressure’s double ♪
♪ We’re going down into the deep ♪
♪ You better hold your breath in ‘Cause, baby, where you’re going ♪
♪ There ain’t no more oxygen ♪
♪ We’re going down into the deep ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Way below ♪
♪ We’re going down into the deep ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ That’s right ♪
♪ Nikki Narwhal ♪
♪ What, uh ♪
♪ Take you down low ♪
[whispering] ♪ So deep ♪
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