The Happytime Murders/Transcript

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
PHIL: The city of angels.
A dirty sun-drenched beauty contest
at the edge of the Pacific.
It's a melting pot of people
who live together in harmony
no matter what color or creed.
Why do those people
get along so great?
Because there's one thing
they have in common
that lets them put aside their
differences and celebrate together.
MALE PUPPET: Taxi!
Hey, taxi.
PHIL: The fact
that they're not puppets.
- (SCOFFS)
- Hey, hey! What?
Stupid puppet.
MALE PUPPET:
Hey, you can't...
You can't...
You can't do that.
Fuck you!
Son of a dick.
PHIL: 'Cause although it ain't
a crime to be warm and fuzzy,
it might as well be.
Hey, so does this massage
include a happy ending or not?
PHIL: 'Cause if you're
a puppet, you're screwed.
Easy. There's no
squeaky thing inside us.
- (DOG BARKING)
- (WHIMPERING) Okay.
PHIL: Who am I?
The name's Phil Philips.
I'm a PI, and my home is on the
streets looking out for the felt
because sure as shit
no one else is.
And, uh, that's
my office there.
It's a shithole on the edge
of Chinatown.
You've gotta dance
Oh, uh, hiya, fellas,
fancy a dance?
BOY 1: No, you stupid puppet.
Perhaps a song?
Let's take his eye.
- What? Ow. No, no, fellas, cut it out!
- (KIDS GIGGLING)
You give that back
right now.
Hey, hey.
Give him his eye back.
It's too early
for this crap.
What are you gonna do about
it, you fluffy blue sock?
- (GRUNTS)
- Ow.
Ah, you little bastards.
- Let's go, guys!
- Now get out of here.
Get out of here,
all of you.
(OLD MAN PUPPET SIGHS)
PHIL: Look,
times have changed.
You don't have to sing and
dance for the man anymore.
Of course, I don't have to.
I want to.
'Cause that's what
puppets do
Hiya, folks!
Oh, when you tapping
Only happy can happen
Spare a penny?
My wife's dead.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PHONE)
- BUBBLES: Uh-huh.
Well, I will, uh,
happily relay your message.
Thank you.
Hey, Mr. P.
Oh, hey, there, Bubbles.
How are you, dear?
Here's your Zuggler bar.
Oh, Mr. P, (CHUCKLING) you're
gonna give me a very fat butt.
Oh, come on, stop it.
Any calls?
Uh, yeah,
Detective Edwards called.
She wants you to call
her back right away.
Did you tell her that I was in
Minnesota attending a funeral
because my Aunt Ruby tragically
died in a Zamboni incident?
- Of course.
- Yeah? What'd she say?
She said, "I'd like to
sew your asshole shut
"and just keep feeding you, and
feeding you, and feeding you."
That's a new one.
Yup.
I guess she heard
about those guys already.
Yeah. How'd that go
this morning?
Good. For puppet poachers,
they were real sweethearts.
100% pure puppet.
Straight from Tijuana.
Guaranteed to bring you
good luck.
Don't you know that poaching
puppets for their feet is illegal?
(GRUNTS)
(POACHERS GRUNTING
AND GROANING)
Holy crap, I'm exhausted.
- (GRUNTING)
- (GROANING)
So, yeah. I think
it went very well.
Oh, we have a new client.
I put her in your office.
Detective Philips?
I... I used to be.
Not anymore, I'm a PI now.
How can I help you, Miss...
White, Sandra White.
I received this
in the mail today.
(PHIL READING)
Hmm.
What's your secret?
Well, despite
my bookish appearance,
I'm a sexual I'mma.
What's that?
It means, if I'mma get next
to it, I'mma gonna fuck it.
- Come again?
- Exactly.
And again, and again,
and again.
Mmm. I see.
If my proclivities were to be exposed,
it would be devastating to my family.
Please, if you
could help me,
I would be
(SEDUCTIVELY) so grateful.
Uh, I appreciate grateful, but
it's $300 a day, plus expenses.
Hmm.
This ought
to start you off.
Thank you, Mr. Philips.
PHIL: I should've
turned her down,
but I like a little cushion
for my cushion.
And I needed the money.
PHIL: I've seen
that "P" before.
The case was on, so I headed
downtown to see a friend.
Actually, not really a friend,
more of a disgusting acquaintance.
(CHAINS RATTLE)
Vinny.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)
Hey, Vin, it's Phil.
Vinny?
(COW PUPPET MOANING)
- Phil, wow. Hi.
- Hey...
Sweet mother of God, what the
fuck are you doing back there?
Oh, yeah, it's Cows Gone
Sour 2, Even Milkier.
- Oh, that's good.
- (MOANING) Moo!
PHIL: What the fuck?
Yeah, the Internet's killing me,
so I'm creating my own content.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- (MOANING LOUDER)
Jesus Christ. Shut the
curtains, would you?
All right,
if it bothers you.
When did you get
so squeamish?
When did I get squeamish?
I'm not squeamish.
- I'm not squeamish.
- Yeah, you are.
I just don't wanna watch an
eight-arm reach-around, all right?
Okay.
Uh, listen, do you have the latest
issue of Puppet Pussy Party?
Hmm?
Puppet Pussy Party.
Yeah, I saw that... We got one just in.
Let's see.
- Oh, great.
- Felt Fetish Furburger.
Ass Puppet Jamboree.
Puppet Chicks
With Puppet Dicks.
Ah!
Here we go,
Puppet Pussy Party.
PHIL: Yeah.
That's right.
- Bingo.
- VINNY: Hmm?
Looks like this mystery is brought
to you by the letter "P."
Oh, Phil, if you like pee,
I have a whole rack of...
No. Excuse me, I don't...
No, I don't like pee.
- Vinny, I don't like pee.
- Oh.
(STUTTERS)
I'm on a case.
Oh.
Listen, um, do you keep a record of
which customers bought what magazines?
Yeah, of course, Phil.
We're fully NSA compliant.
Do you think I could
see those?
Absolutely, um, it's in the
office behind the theater.
Thanks, Vin. You know
I appreciate it, huh?
You're welcome.
- Oh! I apologize...
- Ooh!
Cheesy, creasy, so... (GASPS)
- Bumbly?
- (BABBLES)
No Bumbly here.
No, it's Phil Philips, Larry's brother.
You remember me.
No, I don't. I'm your average
puppet, minding his own business.
All right, well, whatever
floats your boat, pal.
Here's your
Chicks With Big Asses.
Uh, that's not mine.
I'm a businessman,
going to do my business,
and I certainly don't have
a crippling addiction to porn.
- (LAUGHS) That's not yours?
- BUMBLYPANTS: No!
Hey, you forgot your carrot.
BUMBLYPANTS: Not mine.
(LAUGHING)
Fucking rabbits.
- DALMATIAN PUPPET: Does that hurt?
- (MUFFLED GRUNT)
Yes.
You came here
for pleasure!
But I will only
give you pain!
- (WHIPPING)
- (GROANING)
- Oh, you like that?
- MAN: Uh-huh.
Bark for me, bitch!
Bark!
(GROANING)
Jesus Christ.
DALMATIAN PUPPET:
You are my slave.
I will make you do
all sorts of things for me.
- Uh-huh. (GROANS)
- Pick up my laundry.
- Here we go.
- DALMATIAN PUPPET: Do my dishes.
Walk my dog.
I will pee on you
like you're a hydrant.
- Do you want that?
- Uh-huh.
Freaky-deaky.
DALMATIAN PUPPET: You are a
disgusting fireman. (GRUNTING)
- (WHIPPING RESUMES)
- Where is your dirty hose?
Where is your filthy hose?
Okay, (CLEARS THROAT) take it easy.
We're... I'm just gonna...
- (GASPS)
- We're having a sale today,
which is that you can have
anything you want.
Cheesy, creasy.
- (CLATTERING)
- (WHIMPERS)
Oh, God.
This is oddly arousing.
Can't hold it.
(COCKS GUN)
Freeze, punk.
(WHIMPERS)
- (GASPING)
- What the...
Please, I have 48 kids.
- (WHIPPING CONTINUES)
- (MAN GROANING)
Bingo.
DALMATIAN PUPPET:
Now, a new kind of pleasure.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Hey, Vinny, I found it.
I'll bring it back when I...
Jesus fluffing Christ!
(SHUDDERING) Vinny!
(SIREN BLARING)
PHIL: Detective Connie Edwards.
LAPD, Robbery Homicide Division.
We were partners once,
back when I was a cop.
OFFICER 1: Look who's here.
OFFICER 2: Hey, why don't you sing
us a puppet song, sweetheart?
Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
It goes a little like this.
(HUMS) Fuck both of you.
Okay? We clear?
By the way, nobody really wears
their hat, you dumb rookie.
Jesus.
(GAGS)
- (SIGHS) You gotta be fucking kidding me.
- PHIL: Jesus.
EDWARDS: Oh, Philips.
Figures you'd be in the
center of this shitstorm.
Ah, okay. Hey, everybody,
it's Sherlock Holmes,
world's greatest detective.
Hey, it's a pair of socks.
Very nice, very classy.
I'm a witness, you asshole.
- You wanna take it outside?
- Yeah.
- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What's that?
I'm gonna shred you
into little bitty pieces,
- and I'm gonna put you inside a king-size pillowcase...
- Mmm-hmm.
...and I'm gonna have the best
goddamn sleep of my life.
Yeah. That's very clever,
that's very clever.
Did you pick that outfit
out yourself? Huh?
Yeah, I un-sewed your mother,
and I made a jacket out of her.
Nice. What a delicate
little flower you are. Huh?
Yeah, thank you.
What the hell is going on here?
Settle down.
He started it.
- No, you started it.
- (SOFTLY) You started it.
Good to see you, Phil.
Uh, it's great to
see you, Lieutenant.
- And? "And good afternoon, Detective Edwards."
- BANNING: Uh-huh.
Edwards.
PHIL: Yeah, it looks like
you, uh, got
quite the little shotgun
murder on your hands here.
They said you were in the back,
but didn't hear anything.
That's not
the Phil Philips I know.
Oh, well, uh, there was a porno
blaring, dogs barking, fire hoses,
you don't wanna know, sir.
No, I don't.
Edwards, what do you see?
Looks like a robbery
gone bad to me.
Lieutenant, this wasn't
a robbery, this was a hit.
What makes you think that?
Well, because the robber
didn't take the money.
(SIGHS) Shitcakes.
Lieutenant, uh,
the press is here.
- Wonderful.
- Am I free to go, sir?
- No.
- BANNING: Yes.
- Yes, you are free to go.
- No one asked you.
No. Why would we let him go?
It's none of your business
why I can go or not.
It's up to him,
he's the lieutenant.
You are free to go.
You need to go out the back
while I talk to these cretins.
The last thing this department needs
is for anyone to see you here.
Yup, I'm still the department's
dirty little puppet secret, huh?
- Well, if the shoe fits.
- Fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you, too.
Fuck you more.
NARRATOR: You're watching
the Puppet Television Network.
ALL: It's Happytime!
NARRATOR: Returning this fall,
that motley crew of misfits
that entertained you
throughout the '90s.
At home with Jenny, Coach
Lyle, Goofer the handyman,
Mr. Bumblypants, and next-door
neighbors Ezra and Cara,
- and, of course, Officer Larry Shenanigans.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
Freeze!
You are under arrest
for being too hot to handle.
NARRATOR: So, tune in for
the entire Happytime Gang,
only on
the Puppet Television Network.
Syndication, baby brother.
Oh, I am gonna make a killing on
those royalty checks. (CHUCKLES)
Looks like I'll finally be able
to pay off my Scientology dues.
Yeah, too bad you can't
buy your old nose back.
All right. This nose has been in
more fluff than you can imagine.
So, uh, you're not concerned
with Bumblypants being killed?
Bumbly would've wanted
to die in a porn shop.
That was his heaven.
- Excuse me.
- LARRY: Hmm?
Are you
Officer Shenanigans?
Uh, does this answer
your question?
Freeze! You are
under arrest for being
- too hot to handle.
- Too hot to handle.
- Oh, my gosh!
- You got it.
Man, that is the greatest line
of all time.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- I loved your show when I was a kid.
Ah.
Are you a TV star, too?
Uh, no. I have a real job.
ROBIN: Ah, yeah, me, too.
I sell weed. (CHUCKLES)
Don't tell
Officer Shenanigans.
- Uh-oh! Someone's gonna get arrested.
- Ah, don't do it.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- (SOFTLY) Jesus Christ.
Hey, I'll stalk you later.
I want a selfie.
- All right.
- ROBIN: Cool.
What a...
What a sweetheart she was.
Damn it, Phil, Jesus!
Don't upset the fans.
- Oh, those are your fans now, huh? Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Sure, the ones that like
that bleached skin
- and that human nose you got?
- (SIGHS)
You know what, Phil, the Happytime
Gang was groundbreaking. Okay?
It was the first network show starring
puppets that was accepted by everyone.
People loved us, Phil.
Jeez, you don't have to deny
the puppet part of yourself.
Phil, don't you remember
when we were kids, huh?
I used to love
watching you dance.
Who bent your boner?
Take your head out of your ass
and look around.
It's their world,
and we just live in it.
- I know this is hard for you.
- What is?
That I'm the one who's going
down in the history books.
Both Philips bros don't need
to change the world.
You gave it a shot with your
whole trying-to-be-a-cop thing.
Hey. I was a cop,
and a damn good one.
Yeah, Phil, you were the first
puppet cop and the last.
Move on.
Larry...
- What?
- ...I love you.
What? Where are you going?
But sometimes,
you can be a real asshole.
You know, it's funny
you should say that.
I don't actually have my
real asshole anymore either.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
Oh, Phil, it's on again.
Ah, what a wonderful surprise.
What are you harassing me
for this time, Edwards?
I just happen to like
the milkshakes here.
Oh, yeah? How many a day
you up to now?
Or uh, you're just hitting
the syrup, too?
You got to stop moving through the world
like the laws don't apply to you.
Excuse me, excuse me.
You know what?
It'd serve you well to remember
who the detective is around here.
'Cause it ain't you,
Philips.
Puppets aren't cops.
Yeah, well, you saw
to that, didn't you?
Oh, I think you got to
take the credit for that one.
I mean, let's be honest,
puppets just don't seem to be
able to handle themselves
in extreme
pressure situations.
You know what, stay out of my way
if you don't wanna get hurt.
(EXCLAIMING) All right, but what
are you gonna do to me, huh?
You know, one of these days,
you're gonna slip up,
and I'm gonna be there
waiting for you, Phil.
And I'm gonna take you down
with extreme prejudice.
Well, nice choice
of words, asshole.
- You know what?
- (ENGINE STARTS)
What are you doing? What the
fuck are you doing to my car?
Goddamn son of a bitch.
Oh, I'm sorry,
it must've slipped.
(ENGINE REVVING,
TIRES SCREECHING)
(HORN BLARING)
You're a goddamn menace!
(SIGHS)
Some marksman.
Oh, brother. (SIGHS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
"Puppet cops won't shoot
other puppets."
What a bunch of bullshit.
(SCOFFS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Yeah, come on in.
Hey, boss.
Hey, dear.
I'm taking off. Do you
wanna get a drink?
Uh, no,
I, uh, beat you to it.
(GASPS LIGHTLY)
I'm just gonna sit here alone,
get nostalgic,
and drink till I pass out.
Don't waste your time, Mr. P.
Most folks will never
understand puppets.
No matter what they
look like on the outside,
they're fluffy and good
on the inside.
Not like people.
You got a big heart, kid.
(SCOFFS)
Good night, Phil Philips.
Good night, Bubbles.
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)
LARRY: Here we go.
Hey, you ready for this?
It's The Happytime Gang
Season 4 wrap party.
- Wow.
- I shot the video myself.
Hey, Larry coming to you live
with the party cam! Whoo-hoo!
Your skin was so blue
and puppety back then.
You're way hotter now.
Yeah, couple of felt tucks
and a quarter-cup of bleach...
Here I am. (CHUCKLES)
LARRY: (ON TV) Let me see
you work it, Bumblypants.
Ooh, Ezra and Cara.
Those two are cousins.
- They're married with kids now.
- Ooh!
LARRY: Goofer,
need a drink, buddy?
No, I'm good.
Thanks, Lawrence.
- Goof!
- Whoo!
Liley, the Wildman!
(ALL CHEERING)
There's Jenny.
PHIL: All right, freeze.
LARRY: Oh, here comes
my brother with his partner.
Freeze, police!
We've had a lot of complaints
regarding this party.
That there's
not enough tequila!
- (ALL CHEERING)
- (HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Phil used to be
so much fun.
- Hey, babe, you made it.
- PHIL: I'm off duty.
Let's party all night.
Hey, why don't you go and mix us up
a fresh batch of margaritas, huh?
Oh, sure thing.
Mmm-hmm!
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
I like your robe.
You like that?
Yeah, that blue
matches my pubes.
LARRY: Hey, Britty,
hurry back 'cause this hot tub is
too hot to handle without you.
Coming.
(CREAKING)
(DOGS BARKING)
(WHIRRING)
(LAUGHS) Hmm?
- (DOGS BARKING)
- (GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING)
- (GROWLING)
- (SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING CONTINUES)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
(WHIRRING STOPS)
- Bad dogs! Bad dogs!
- (DOGS GROWLING)
(YELPING)
(SCREAMS)
BRITTENIE: They were
such bad, bad dogs.
Larry! Get out of my way.
Get out of my way!
Where is he?
I said get out of my way!
Phil, this isn't how
you wanna remember Larry.
Just gotta see him.
Lieutenant, I think I found
the murder weapon.
That fucking dog!
- Get the dog out of here.
- Okay, I'm sorry!
(PANTING)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Jesuchristo.
Looks like someone had themselves
a real pinata party, huh?
- Son of a...
- BANNING: Hey, now.
- (PHIL YELLS)
- (EDWARDS SCREAMS)
(BOTH STRUGGLING)
Knock it off, you two.
Aah! Get your teeth
out of my tit!
(GRUNTS)
- Ooh!
- (SCREAMS)
You bit my dick!
You two need to start
behaving like goddamn adults.
I'm sorry.
I didn't recognize
that it was Larry.
I mean, he used to be,
you know, a lot bluer.
I don't know
if that's PC to say.
What is that supposed to mean,
"a lot bluer"?
It means he was bluer before.
I don't know how else to say...
I can't say "blue"?
Fucking racist.
BANNING: There was a time
when you two were
the most decorated officers
in this department.
Your clearance rates
were double anybody else's.
What you had was magic.
Just like when that motherfucker David
Copperfield makes it snow inside.
That's not even
that good of a trick.
It's, like, two mirrors and
a laser, and I can do that.
What are you,
fucking Houdini now?
- Maybe I am Houdini.
- I'd like to see you disappear.
BANNING: Stop it!
You're gonna work
together on this.
Excuse me, what?
Oh, come on,
this jackwad is the reason that
puppets can't be cops anymore.
He missed
on purpose that day.
Not true.
EDWARDS: Everybody knows
puppets don't shoot puppets.
The Philips Code prohibits me from
having a puppet as a partner.
- That's true. I'm Philips.
- He's the Philips.
They hated him so much,
they made a code about him.
I'm not reinstating him
as a police officer,
I'm bringing him on
as a consultant.
No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not
working with this asshole.
Well, right back at you.
You wanna cry about it?
I'll park you behind a desk.
You don't cooperate, and I'll
bite you in the dick, too.
Look, Lieutenant, nobody turns my brother
into a chew toy and gets away with it.
I'm gonna catch the bastards
who did these murders.
Murders?
I mean, no offense, I don't
wanna start anything,
but, what, did I miss
another body around here?
No, whoever killed Larry
also took out Mr. Bumblypants.
Bumblypants was
the target there.
What's the connection?
- The Happytime Gang.
- The Happytime Gang.
(SIGHS)
PHIL: I hated the idea of having
to work with a partner again,
but I owed it to Larry.
He was my brother and, deep down,
I loved the dumb son of a bitch.
What do you know
about this Ronovan Scargle?
He produced
The Happytime Gang,
and he's your typical shyster,
meat sack piece of shit.
- (EXHALING)
- Can you roll down the window, for Christ's sake?
(EXHALING FORCEFULLY)
(COUGHS) Okay. Well, you
know what, do you mind?
You don't mind if I have one
of your cigarettes, do you?
- No, go ahead.
- You know what, I'm gonna take two.
Now, we're... (COUGHS) Now,
we're having a good time.
Isn't it nice
just to relax?
It's delicious, it's like
springtime in Beijing.
(EXHALING SLOWLY)
We just wanna thank you for taking
the time to speak with us today.
Well, I'm always happy to indulge
our local law enforcement,
no matter how masculine
and unkempt they are.
Ah, well, I didn't think
I was unkempt.
No, no, you're the masculine,
he's the unkempt.
- Oh.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
Okay. We will just stick
to, uh, some questions, okay?
Now, do you have any idea
why someone may want to murder
Augustus Bumblypants
or Larry Shenanigans?
It's a tragedy, what happened.
I gave your brother and Augustus
Bumblypants their start.
Yeah, you also gave him a bullshit
deal where your cut was 60%.
- (SOFTLY) Hey.
- That is standard operating procedure.
(WHISPERS) Puppets are dumb.
(RONOVAN CLEARS THROAT)
(SOFTLY) Fucking dick.
Well, we would like to, uh, take a look at
that contract for the syndication deal.
Well, I'm afraid
that's private information.
And who would care about a puppet's
share in a contract anyway, right?
I mean, all those little dummies want to
do is sing and dance, am I right? (LAUGHS)
What did you say, "dummies"?
- Yeah, that is right.
- PHIL: Mmm-hmm.
When you're right, you're right.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
- I can't help noticing this impressive view.
- Oh.
For an impressive man.
(CHUCKLES)
RONOVAN: Thank you very much.
I don't take compliments well,
but I get them all the time.
(CHUCKLES) That's charming.
Listen, you and I both know that these
puppets wouldn't know a good deal
if it was staring them
right in the googly eyes.
What the fuck
did you just say?
Hey, Phil, why don't you let the
grown-ups talk for a minute, okay?
(SIGHS) Fuck.
Don't worry, he retains
very little information.
Oh, my God, is that
the ocean over there?
RONOVAN:
Yep, that's the Pacific.
- (MOUTHING)
- I had to lobby for two years
to get that children's hospital cleared
to make that ocean view possible.
Wow. Here's the thing,
you and I both know that this
is like puppet bullshit here,
but I'm just afraid this asshole
is gonna make me pull a warrant.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are these here?
Please,
don't touch my balls.
They're made
of Tibetan marble.
- They're very expensive.
- (SOFTLY) Don't touch his balls.
Ah, I apologize, I didn't
mean to cup your balls.
(LAUGHS)
(WHISPERS) Down there. What, do
you have alligator arms? Get it!
Okay, here's the thing.
You seem great,
and I don't wanna have to call
a judge on you, you know,
'cause you know that mess.
But little puppets
have big mouths, right?
Mmm. I have puppet
servants at home,
and they get real uppity if
I don't keep them in line.
(GRUNTS)
Holy shitcakes!
- Have you lost your mind?
- Fuck him.
How else was I supposed to get that
fucking thing without him seeing it?
Literally any other way
than what you just did.
Any other way.
Oh, yeah? I never knocked a guy
out with his own balls before.
PHIL:
According to the contract,
The Happytime Gang TV show is about
to be sold into syndication.
"The seven principal
Happytime Gang cast members
"are guaranteed to split
the $10 million up front."
- $10 million?
- Right.
Now, "If a member dies, then his
or her spouse gets the share.
"If there is no spouse,
"then the share is divided equally among
the remaining living cast members."
Hmm. So, Ronovan really doesn't
benefit if the cast shrinks.
Yeah, I guess I didn't have to
knock him out with his own balls.
Yeah, well, somebody from
inside The Happytime Gang
is looking for
a bigger piece of the pie.
Yeah, and they're not gonna stop until
they're the only one left standing.
At least then we'd know
who the killer is.
All right, just slow down,
here comes the street up here.
To find the killer,
we needed to look into the remaining
Happytime Gang members one by one.
We started down on Skidder
Row, the Stuffing Ghetto,
where the sugar is cheap
and the sex is cheaper.
Looks like, uh,
Coach Lyle's got himself
a bit of a criminal record.
PHIL: You know, back in
The Happytime Gang days,
Lyle was as straight
as an arrow.
Well, looks like
his arrow got bent.
PHIL: This is it.
EDWARDS: Okay, can we please just be
professional and keep a low profile?
PHIL: Of course.
(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)
(GUNS COCKING)
Hey, look, it's the NRA.
Get in here.
Okay, all right. Take it easy.
- Take it easy.
- Come here, you.
- Come on.
- All right, all right, all right.
Phil Philips, what a surprise.
It's been a while.
Hey, Lyle.
LYLE: I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,
but we don't allow
humans in our game.
Oh, no, no, no, wait,
you don't understand.
- She's not all human.
- Shut up, Phil.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
PHIL: Edwards, tell them.
Fine, I have
a puppet liver.
- (ALL GASP)
- GANGSTER PUPPET: Wow.
- Bullshit. Prove it.
- WOMAN PUPPET: No way.
Bring her ass over here.
What are you gonna do?
Cut me open?
- Roxy?
- Yeah.
Look at this,
Sacramento Red Hot.
Grade-A hyper sucrose.
It'll put a human in a
diabetic coma for a month,
but to a puppet,
pure ecstasy.
I'm not doing that.
Do it, meat sack,
take it.
(SNORTING)
(SNIFFLING)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
Oh, sorry about your
dead human friend, Philips.
Wait for it.
(GASPS) Whoo!
(ALL CHEERING)
That is good shit.
(EXCLAIMS) Well, fuck me.
Maybe. (LAUGHS)
WOMAN PUPPET: She said she might.
Ha-ha. That's funny!
- (YELLS, LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
Shit, this woman crazy.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Somebody get more of this!
- Boy, that's great!
- EDWARDS: Whoo!
- (GUNSHOTS)
- Hey, wait a minute, now.
Hey, put that...
No, don't do that.
(LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS)
EDWARDS:
We're laughing together.
You're my favorite.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
LYLE: Half-puppet cop?
Never heard of that before.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Hey, listen, I need to ask you a
few questions, if you don't mind.
Oh, sure, sure.
Listen, I'm sorry
about Larry, man.
He was all right,
even after the bleach job.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, most fleshies don't
give a fuck when one of us drops.
That doesn't make it okay.
You're absolutely right.
Here's to Larry, man.
To Larry.
Yeah, ashes to ashes,
and fluff to fluff, man.
JUNKYARD: Flush to
the motherfucking queen.
Eat it so much, bitch.
(LAUGHTER)
EDWARDS: I'd love
to eat it so much,
but I have a sensitive tummy,
which may be because I got a full
boat, you Kremlin piece of shit.
(EXCLAIMS)
- (EXCLAIMS)
- Oh, it's okay, babe...
- (BARKING)
- (YELPS)
JUNKYARD:
Get me some more lean.
- Okay.
- Motherfucking bitch.
I just never really cared for
that word, if you must know.
You're one crazy
fucking bitch.
Bitches be crazy.
(LAUGHS)
"Bitches be crazy," right?
Am I right?
I mean, that guy knows.
Yeah, you're really nailing
my views on women.
Right, and we know.
Women... Women love you?
They do not. They decline.
(LAUGHS)
Here's the thing, though.
Would a crazy fucking
bitch do this?
PUPPET THUG 1: Wasteful.
Maybe, but a crazy bitch
would do this.
- (ALL GRUNTING)
- (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Peekaboo.
(YELLING)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
- (GUN COCKS)
- (PANTING)
How about
you apologize to Roxy
and all the other fine ladies here
tonight for your disparaging remarks?
Yeah, Junkyard.
I'm sorry, bitches.
Uh-uh-uh. Better tone,
same shitty words.
Let's try it again.
I'm sorry, beautiful ladies.
EDWARDS: Oh!
How does that feel, Roxy?
Better.
I... I feel better.
- Oh, you feel better, too?
- Mmm.
Oh. Not really our goal.
Get a diaper
for your fucking mouth.
Yes. (SIGHS)
You're gonna
feel that tomorrow.
- Oh.
- (GROANING)
I hope you don't
mind me asking,
but, uh, what the hell happened
to all your Happytime money?
Shit. After Loretta
and the kids left,
I blew all that cream on
panty-pie and poody-glitter.
Jeez, I'm sorry
to hear that.
You know where you're going?
Right up my snoot.
That's where you...
You're gonna go.
"Where are we going? Where
will we live?" In my nose.
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Hey, uh, who're your friends?
- (GUN COCKS)
- LYLE: Gonna scope it out.
Lyle, stay. Don't get...
Jesus Christ.
This is not a good idea.
You see anything?
They're not friends of mine.
- (GUNSHOT)
- PHIL: Oh, shit! Lyle!
(SNORTING)
Whoo!
Holy...
Ow!
(BOTH GROANING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
All right...
Son of a bitch.
(GUN CLICKING)
EDWARDS: LAPD!
Where the fuck were you?
- I was in the can.
- Doing what?
Can stuff.
(WHISPERS) Jesus Christ.
- (SNIFFLES)
- Here comes the lieutenant. Just hold your shit together.
- (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
- Okay. I am. I have my shit held together.
What the hell happened here?
Well, somebody was trying to make it
look like an old-school drive-by.
Look, Lieutenant,
this makes three Happytime Gang
cast members dead in a week.
May I say something now?
PHIL: Please, go. What?
I'd also like
to point out that
that makes three Happytime cast
members dead within the week.
I just said that.
You both just said it.
Well, then we're fighting
on the same side.
It's like we're
Apache-Comanche together,
and no one, no one is coming
in with the suit jackets made
and taking over
their land.
PHIL: What're you
talking about?
EDWARDS:
I'm talking about Apaches.
Apaches? What?
What did you say?
(STAMMERS) We owe them.
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.
Can we just stick to
what's going on here, please?
- I'd love to. I'd love to.
- Okay.
What's your deal, Edwards?
My deal? I'm a Virgo,
I'm not currently seeing
anybody, but I'm hopeful.
Not the dating game.
PHIL: She's got a little cold.
She's taking medication, right?
- (CHUCKLES)
- For the cold. So, she gets a little loopy.
- Aw, I am getting a little loopy.
- Stop it.
- Back to this.
- Yeah. Thank you.
So, what're we gonna do,
Lieutenant?
I can put a black and white on Jenny,
but Ezra and Cara live in Lancaster.
That's out of my jurisdiction.
And nobody even knows
where Goofer is.
Reportedly, he was last sighted
somewhere near the Santa Monica Pier.
Also, I have also noted that
that's three Happytime cast members
that have been killed in one week.
What the fuck?
(SIGHS)
PHIL: The next morning,
we decided it'd be smarter
if we quit holding each other's
proverbial dicks and split up.
Edwards headed out to the
beach to look for Goofer,
and I stopped by the office
to check in.
- BUBBLES: Hey, Mr. P.
- PHIL: Heya, Bubbles.
Any calls?
No, but Sandra White
is in your office.
Oh, shit. I completely
forgot about that.
PHIL: There she was.
Her hair red like fire.
Her ass hot like fire.
Ms. White.
Mr. Philips, the blackmailer
sent another note.
There's a photo this time.
PHIL: Jenny Peterson.
Of course I knew her.
The one human member
of The Happytime Gang
and a sexy skeleton
in my closet.
SANDRA: It was taken
at a place called...
Star Showgirls.
I recognize the pole.
I sometimes enjoy
the company of a lady.
Hell, who doesn't?
Um...
Can you think of anyone
who could be behind this?
That's just the thing...
I have quite an appetite.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You seem shocked.
Have I made you uncomfortable?
A little.
I have something for that.
Hey, hey. Hey, what's
gotten into you?
I'm hoping you.
- (MOANS)
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
There's a little voice
in my head
that is saying,
"This is not a good idea."
Tell it to shut up
and watch.
(UNZIPS)
(SLURPING)
What's it going to be, Phil?
- (SANDRA GASPING)
- (GRUNTING)
(SANDRA SCREAMING)
- PHIL: Yeah!
- SANDRA: Yes!
- (SANDRA MOANING)
- (PHIL GRUNTING)
BUBBLES: Oh, hello.
Lieutenant Banning, police.
Bubbles, secretary.
Is Phil in?
- (SANDRA SCREAMING)
- (PHIL EXCLAIMING)
- PHIL: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- (MUFFLED THUDDING)
Well, he's in something.
Here comes the choo-choo!
SANDRA: Yeah, choo-choo.
PHIL: Yeah.
I'm a freight train.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- SANDRA: (ON INTERCOM) I'm a caboose, baby.
Oh, boy.
- (THUDDING CONTINUES)
- (SANDRA AND PHIL EXCLAIMING)
He's servicing a client right now.
Can I get you a coffee?
- PHIL: Yes!
- Faster, faster, faster!
PHIL: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Is that what I think it is?
(SANDRA MOANING)
Well,
what do you think it is?
(SANDRA AND PHIL GRUNTING)
- PHIL: Here I go. Here I go. Here I go.
- Give it to me.
- (PHIL GRUNTING)
- (SANDRA SCREAMING)
SANDRA: Oh, baby. Oh, my.
- (PHIL GRUNTING)
- (SANDRA SCREAMING)
Yeah! Yeah!
- (PHIL GRUNTING)
- (SANDRA SCREAMING)
Okay. I'm lightheaded,
I'm lightheaded.
SANDRA: Oh, my.
- (GASPS)
- Yes.
- (YELLING)
- (SCREAMING)
Oh, yes. Yes.
- Whoa! (MOANING)
- (SPLATS)
You boys want
some Fiddle Faddle?
No, I do not.
Clean up on Aisle Phil.
Hope your meeting
is as satisfying as mine was.
Have a nice day.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait for...
Wait for... Wait...
Oh, hey. Hey, Lieutenant.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Phil.
Uh, who's your friend?
- Special Agent Campbell, FBI.
- What a pleasure.
We need to discuss where you
were when the murders went down.
All right. Let me, uh...
How about you come with us so
we can ask you some questions?
That's fine, let me
just tidy up for a sec.
Excuse me.
- (CRUNCHING)
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- Shit!
- God damn it!
I want an APB
out on that sock now!
- Agent Campbell...
- This is out of your hands.
You just got a little
something on your arm.
(GRUNTING)
- Have you seen this guy?
- MAN: No.
- Anything?
- WOMAN: No.
See this guy?
Have you seen this guy?
See this guy?
How're you doing?
Uh, I'm looking for this guy.
Have you seen him?
I sense that
you are searching.
Yeah, I just told you
I was looking for a guy,
so you knowing that
does not mean you're psychic,
it means you can hear me.
Just tell me, yes or no.
Have you seen him?
PSYCHIC PUPPET:
No. I ain't seen him.
Now, fuck off.
You're bad for business.
Yeah, go fuck yourself.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you, too.
(SCOFFS)
Hey, man. Have you
seen this puppet?
Hmm.
You know, I think he...
- Jacob, we don't talk to meat sacks.
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, yeah, what Chuck said.
- Ooh! Show us your titties.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, come on.
That can't actually be
your shtick with women.
That has never worked
for you, am I right?
- Sure it does.
- Never.
- It does.
- Doesn't.
- Once.
- I doubt that.
I doubt that
very much for you.
Come on, baby, I can tell
you've had crabs before.
- BOAR: Here, come on...
- I told you...
- BOAR: Chuck! Chuck! Chuck!
- I warned you.
CHUCK: Oh, yeah, she wants me.
- Okay, all right.
- (GASPS)
Have you seen this puppet?
(RAPIDLY) All's I know is, is
that he's a real sugar smack,
and he's probably holed up
in that sugar den
over on San Julian Street.
Thank you. Jesus Christ.
Gotta work for that...
Oh... No!
You don't... Ow!
If you're gonna eat it,
you don't get it.
I'm hungry.
Well, you should've bought
20 bucks of food, dumbass.
PHIL: I knew if the feds
had me in the slammer,
there's no way I could find
the real killer.
Most of all, I wanted to
protect my old flame, Jenny.
I still had
a soft spot for her.
Hell, I still had
a hard spot for her.
DISPATCHER:
All units be advised.
Be on the lookout for
ex-puppet cop Phil Philips.
Blue male,
three and a half feet tall.
Last seen fleeing on foot
from 1643...
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- RABBIT 1: Oh, boy.
Her makeup is so tasteful.
- RABBIT 1: Oh, look at that.
- RABBIT 2: Oh, wow.
- Yeah, twirl, baby.
- RABBIT 3: Whoo! Yes.
Yes. Carousel.
- This is arousing my Peter Rabbit.
- Yes.
RABBIT 4: She's got her hands
on my carrot.
Give me the carrot. Give me the carrot.
Is this the carrot?
We are not in the briar
patch anymore, boys. Whoo!
(RABBITS LAUGHING)
JENNY: You want
some carrot, huh?
RABBIT 1: Oh, yeah. Give it to us.
Give it to us.
- Make it rain!
- Peel on me.
- It feels like Easter in my pants.
- JENNY: Ahh...
- RABBIT 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it, do it.
- Bite the tip!
- (CRUNCHES)
- (RABBITS EXCLAIMING)
PHIL: Jenny,
the one that got away.
As you can see, she's the kind
of girl you take home to momma.
RABBIT 1: I just made
carrot soup.
Well, hello. I didn't think you
were coming around here no more.
We need to talk.
Okay. Give me a minute.
I don't know her.
I can't remember every puppet
comes in here to get a freak on.
- All right, fair enough.
- (CHUCKLES)
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)
What is it
with this casual attitude?
Well, how am I
supposed to be?
Well, you might be
a little worried
since three Happytime Gang members
are dead, and you could be next.
I'm trying not
to think about it.
I got cops on me.
I don't know what
you expect me to do.
I got to keep working
till the money from the show
comes through.
What do I want you to do? I want
you to take it more seriously.
Jesus Christ, Phil.
Can't you see I'm trying,
you know, to...
(SIGHS)
I'm trying to forget
about all that.
You were always
so controlling.
All right, I'm sorry.
I loved you.
Hey. Hey...
I just don't want to see you
get hurt, all right?
Hey. Hey, hey.
You want some sugar?
- Glucose, fructose, corn syrup...
- No, thanks.
Hey, hey.
(AIR KISSES)
FEMALE PUPPET: Hey, fella.
Hey, handsome.
Are you looking
for some rotten cotton?
I'm a woman.
- That's okay.
- Yeah, that's even better.
- Got a good time for you.
- (LAUGHS)
(GARBAGE CLATTERS)
FEMALE PUPPET:
You live your truth, baby.
- (HARMONICA PLAYING)
- Peanut buttercup
(HUMMING)
Gonna get fucked up, sugar
Better get that damn
light out of my eye.
Goofer.
Yeah?
- EDWARDS: Hey. Goofer.
- (SNORTING) Mmm-hmm.
(SNORTING)
EDWARDS: Ugh. God.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Are you kidding me?
Do you have some sugar for
Goofer, friend? (CHUCKLES)
I just want to know what you know
about the Happytime murders.
Goofer give you a happy time.
For 50 cents,
I'll suck your dick.
(WHIMPERS)
Well, it's a great price.
It makes me wish I had a
dick for you to suck.
Yeah. I'm gonna, um,
take that as a yes.
(GRUNTS, SNORES)
- God damn it!
- (GASPS)
Do not come at me like that. Do
you want me to go for my gun?
No.
Unless you're talking
about your penis.
Then maybe.
Hey, you don't come
at me like that.
For 50 cents
Goofer will give you a felty.
A felty? No.
I'll give you what I call
the "Continental Hot Sock."
I don't want
anything hot from you.
I will need a gallon of
kombucha and some oatmeal.
- No.
- It's only 50 cents.
Just answer my question. What do you
know about the Happytime murders?
They're married. The wife.
Married? Whose wife?
What did you say?
The wife. Where?
Yeah. You've got it.
The wife of who?
You're my wife?
I don't remember
getting married,
but you're pretty cute
for a fella in a suit.
I said "wife" because you said
"wife." Are you saying wife?
The wife!
(GASPS)
(SNORING)
(SIGHS)
The wife...
(CONTINUES SNORING)
(MIRROR SQUEAKS)
(GAGGING)
I peed on that mirror.
You better get checked
'cause that shit is salty.
(GAGGING)
JENNY: It's fine,
I know the plan.
I'll call you when I check into a motel.
All right?
- You promise?
- (LAUGHS) Yeah. I promise.
I just want you to be safe.
Do you remember the first time
you ever walked me to my car?
Of course I do.
It was the first time we met.
Larry's birthday at the, um...
- The Formosa.
- The Formosa. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, you were so sweet.
Making sure I was safe.
Well, I'd never met anyone
like you before.
You ever feel like
me and you should, um...
Start over?
Uh, Jenny, I'm poison.
I poisoned me and you,
I poisoned my career.
Hell, I poisoned every good puppet's
chance of ever becoming a cop.
- That wasn't your fault.
- It doesn't matter.
I still feel sick about it
every goddamn day.
Every poison has an antidote.
Good night, Phil Philips.
Good night, Jenny.
- PHIL: Yeah, it was great seeing Jenny again...
- (ENGINE STARTS)
...reminded me that somewhere in my
stuffing-filled chest was still a...
(GASPING)
No!
Jenny!
(SIREN WAILING)
(GRUNTING)
- Shit, shit, shit.
- COP: Freeze, Philips!
PHIL: My head was spinning.
Larry, Jenny. Everyone in this world I
care about was getting knocked off.
I just needed to lay low, and as
much as I hated to admit it...
Edwards?
There was only
one place I could go.
Oh, dear God.
She's a complete sugar smack.
You awake?
- (SNORING)
- Oh, no.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Drop the fucking gun.
Drop your gun, or I'm
gonna fucking kill her!
Take the fucking shot, Phil.
PHIL: Need a clean shot.
You're a puppet, not a fleshy.
- Why are you messing with me?
- Take the fucking shot!
Take the shot, Phil!
PHIL: Bye-bye, puppet.
Daddy! (SOBBING)
Daddy!
- (GUNSHOT)
- (GROANS)
No, no, no, no, no!
(GROANS)
No! Daddy!
PHIL: Multiple shots fired.
Civilian casualty and officer down.
Sixth and Grand.
Edwards, Jesus Christ.
What the fuck, Phil?
How could you miss him?
I'm sorry, I choked.
You're gonna be all right.
Hey, hey, hang on. You just
hang on, you understand?
Hey!
A little help here?
Can you get me some help?
Out of the way, incoming.
Dr. Trevor, we have a fleshy with
a bullet wound through the liver.
- DR. TREVOR: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
- She's been shot.
No, no, no, we don't treat
humans here.
We only have parts
for puppets.
She's dying, Doc.
I'm sorry, I cannot do anything about it.
It's unethical.
(ALL GASPING)
You're gonna save my partner's
life, or you're gonna die trying.
(PANTS)
Phil, wake up.
- ALL: Wake up, Phil.
- Wakey-wakey!
Wake up, Phil.
Wake up, Phil.
- Phil, wake up!
- Hey, hey.
(GASPING)
Did you fucking break
into my house?
(SIGHS)
I, uh... I had
nowhere else to go.
And, uh, Jenny's dead.
What?
Yeah. They think I did it.
(BOTH SIGH)
Fuck.
- I'm sorry, Phil.
- Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Did you clean my apartment?
- Yeah. You got a problem with that?
- It's just weird.
It's like stealing
somebody's car
just so you can put
new fucking tires on it.
- I don't know how to take this.
- Are you gonna get that, or what?
Edwards.
By the way, you sleep
with your mouth wide open.
Like this.
- (SOFTLY) Shut up.
- Who sleeps like that?
Uh, um...
- Yeah, I was... I saw Goofer last night.
- What? Who is this?
Uh-huh.
Philips?
- What?
- No. It's just,
this doesn't sound like
something Phil...
- PHIL: Who is it?
- Yes, sir. (SNAPS FINGERS)
- Crystal clear.
- Oh, shit.
Uh, no. I haven't seen him.
No. Yes, sir.
- Is it the lieutenant?
- Yes, sir.
What? What? What?
Goofer's washed up.
Literally.
Shit.
Looks like a pretty
classic smash and splash.
Beat his head in,
threw him off the pier.
Man, I thought
he smelled bad alive.
You guys might
wanna look away.
This will not be pretty.
- (GROANS)
- Ah, Christ.
(GRUNTING)
Edwards, is your history with
Philips gonna be a problem here?
No, it's not.
If he did it,
I'll bring him in myself.
If he makes any contact,
I wanna know immediately.
What's in the cooler?
My lunch. I get very
hungry for cold foods.
COP: Okay. Drop him in.
There we go.
EDWARDS:
God, I hate the beach.
(GRUNTS)
You know, that Agent Campbell
is a real douchebag.
(GASPING)
You trying to asphyxiate me?
Hey, I said a backpack,
you said the cooler. So...
Yeah. I said a cooler with holes.
There's no holes.
A wife, huh?
So, it's gotta be
Ezra and Cara.
Yeah. Why don't we pay a little visit
to those creepy kissing cousins?
All right, let's go. You wanna
help me get the hell out of here?
- Oh, yeah. All right, don't worry.
- Jesus Christ.
I think you might have done
some irreparable damage.
- That's my neck. (CHOKES)
- Well, let me just...
- I'm gonna try something.
- PHIL: Go ahead.
- (SCREAMS) That's my balls! What are you doing?
- Oh, God.
- Jesus Christ!
- (SCREAMS) I thought it was your shoe.
(GASPS)
God damn it. There you go,
there you go.
- PHIL: (GRUNTS) Okay, okay.
- Attaboy, attaboy.
It's like a fucking birth.
PHIL: Ezra and Cara,
the kissing cousins
hadn't made
a public appearance in years.
They moved out
to the middle of nowhere,
had a couple of kids, which
is fucked up, if you ask me.
But it was a two-hour drive, and
Edwards had gone moody as shit,
which didn't make
the time go any faster.
You're quiet.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
What, did you take
a vow of silence?
What,
are you a monk now?
No, I'm not a monk.
Actually, I don't know
what the hell I am anymore.
What're you talking about?
Well, what am I?
Am I a human? Am I a puppet?
Truth is, I'm neither.
I'm just scratching and clawing
from one sugar fix to the next.
Neither side wants me,
and I don't blame them.
(MUMBLES)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I missed that day.
I'm sorry I shot
the wrong guy.
I'm sorry a little girl
lost her father.
I'm sorry you're struggling.
But I'm glad
you're still here.
(SNIFFLES)
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING
ON STEREO)
What the fuck is this?
What? What are you
asking me for?
- Turn that shit off.
- You're making fun of me?
It's your car,
it's on your radio.
I didn't put it on.
- It says right there.
- Well, it's not your...
It says, look, "Paired with
Edwards' phone" or something. Look.
- I don't even have that...
- Turn it off.
- EDWARDS: ...song in... I will turn it off.
- PHIL: Why won't these work?
Jesus Christ, turn it off.
It's like a tampon
commercial in here.
Stop yelling at me!
You know what...
- How many pockets do you...
- (COCKS GUN)
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Jesus Christ!
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- EDWARDS: You wanted it off?
Now it's off.
(PANTING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What the... You fucking...
You shot your fucking radio.
- Whoo! I shot my radio.
- You're out of your fucking mind.
Oh, I feel better.
(LAUGHS)
- EDWARDS: Oh, my God!
- Oh, Christ.
- There's my phone.
- What?
You know what?
Yeah, that was me.
Looks like we beat the rush.
Yeah, well, they killed
the whole gang.
They're not coming out
without a fight.
Well, let's give them one,
partner.
- Partner?
- Shut up.
Here.
Better safe than dead.
What? You still have this?
- I'm a bit of a hoarder.
- I think you missed me.
(CHUCKLES)
(LOUD SCREAMING)
All right,
I'll take the front.
I'll take the back.
Meet you in the middle.
Yep. Just like old times.
(DOOR CREAKING)
- (LOUD SCREAMING)
- (GASPS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(LOUD SCREAMING)
Damn it.
All right. I'll huff...
And I'll puff, and I'll blow
your fucking door down!
(BOTH GRUNT)
(LOUD SCREAMING)
- (SCREAMING)
- (SHUSHING)
(WHISPERING) Hey. Hey, where
is your mommy and daddy?
(SCREAMS)
That's why you don't swim
in your own gene pool.
(WHISPERS) They don't
have a fucking chance.
(WHISPERING) What was that?
What the hell did you see?
(WHISPERING)
We gotta call child services.
What?
It's like
Children of the Corn.
You want chili with corn?
What? What the fuck
is "chili porn"?
What?
I can't read your lips,
you're a fucking puppet.
What the fuck are you... I don't
even know what you're talking about!
All I'm seeing is that
you look like a cloth vagina.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I'm not whispering, I'm not...
Ezra? Cara?
We got you surrounded.
LAPD.
Nobody has to get hurt.
Don't make this harder
than it has to be.
(FLIES BUZZING)
Oh, no. Jesus...
(GROANS)
Edwards!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
- CAMPBELL: Freeze!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- (GUNS COCKING)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
CAMPBELL:
Freeze, Philips!
You guys got this all wrong.
The killer's getting away.
Put the weapon down!
- Drop the weapon!
- Okay. I'm dropping it.
Aw, shitcakes.
Edwards! Drop the weapon!
Put the weapon down!
- Drop the weapon!
- I did!
- Now!
- What?
Somebody want to help out
Stevie Ray Vaughan here?
'Cause he's obviously
fucking blind.
Stevie Ray Vaughan
is not blind.
- PHIL: Jesus Christ.
- Asshole says what?
What?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
This is my last warning.
- Put the weapon down!
- It is dropped.
- She dropped it.
- It's on the fucking ground.
Oh. Sorry.
Go arrest them.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(EXHALING FORCEFULLY)
You can't actually like me
for these murders.
We like you very much
for these murders.
- What's my motive?
- The reason most men do stupid things.
A woman.
Enjoy the show.
PHIL: What the hell
is she doing here?
EDWARDS: Who is that?
It's Sandra White.
She's one of my clients.
Actually, her name
is Sandra Peterson.
She walked into the federal
building this morning
and said you murdered
her wife, Jenny Peterson.
Hey, I didn't
murder anybody.
EDWARDS: I didn't know
Jenny was even married.
Neither did I.
Let's listen in.
Well, he said
that he killed them.
The entire Happytime Gang,
even his own brother.
- What?
- CAMPBELL: And why would he do that?
We've been
having an affair,
and he wanted
to run away together.
He said
he killed them all
so that I would get
my wife Jenny's share,
and then I'd be rich,
and he could have me
all to himself.
I should have kept
my fuzzy blue in my pants.
Shut up, Phil.
And how long had you been
having this affair?
Months.
We'd rendezvous
at his office.
I saw you there, remember?
Just like the French.
(PUFFS)
Well, I guess now we know the purple
carpet doesn't match the drapes.
I think we've heard enough.
What? This is a setup.
Sandra White came to me
as a client
and sent me
to that porno shop.
She orchestrated
the whole thing.
BANNING: (SIGHS)
Jesus, Phil.
You were there when every member of
the Happytime Gang was murdered.
- My hands are tied.
- PHIL: Lieutenant, come on.
Get him out of here.
- Lieutenant, what're you doing?
- Come on with...
No, this is ridiculous.
Come on.
Okay. All right.
All right, tough guy.
Come on, guys. You don't really
have to cuff him, do you?
Edwards, you know I'm innocent.
Get me out of here.
(SOFTLY) Jesus.
Hey, Campbell.
Listen, I know that Philips
is a pain in the ass,
but you don't actually
like him for this, do you?
Philips was at every murder scene,
and we have a witness to prove it.
- What else do you want, Edwards?
- (SIGHS)
I mean, you of all people going
to bat for a goddamn puppet.
What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?
I'm sticking up for him because my gut is
telling me that Philips didn't do this.
Yeah, well, of course your gut is
saying that, it's full of puppet fluff.
You're a fucking asshole.
Listen to yourself,
or is that your liver talking?
- You fucking...
- JOEY: Hey, hey, hey!
- Knock it off, you two!
- (GRUNTING)
EDWARDS: You sugared fuck!
Get away!
- Get off of me!
- JOEY: Knock it off!
(ALL GRUNTING)
- JOEY: God, you two!
- Get off!
CAMPBELL: That's it!
You're done, Edwards.
Consider yourself suspended.
- Give me your badge.
- Yeah. Great. Here.
Fucking choke on it.
Fuck all of you guys.
Fuck you, Wreach.
You know what?
It's my fucking charger that
you never asked for
and you never gave back.
- Nice.
- You all fucking suck.
Yeah, yeah.
Burn every bridge. Good.
And you know what? Everybody knows
Karen is not a real redhead.
- I'm a real redhead.
- No, you're not.
You had enough bush coming out of
your cutoffs at the family picnic
- to fucking choke a horse.
- Jeez.
Carol, we never got to talk,
but you seem cool.
And I wish I would've
fucked you, Donny.
It's not too late.
It's not.
(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
Oh, God damn it.
How the hell
did you get in here?
It was actually very easy.
I just picked the lock, it
took me, like, under a minute.
Oh, great. Apparently anybody who wants
to can just walk right into my apartment.
- Great.
- Listen, I need your help to save him.
Do you know what they'll do
to a puppet ex-cop in prison?
They will tear out all of his stuffing
and fill him back up with rice pilaf.
- And then they'll fuck it.
- Okay, just...
They fuck that rice pilaf until
it's more like a mashed potato.
Okay.
It's a term they call
"pilafing."
All right, all right,
all right. Move.
You think you are the only one
thinking about this stuff?
I think about pilafing
all the time.
I'm not talking
about pilafing.
I've been searching public records on
Sandra White, and guess what I found?
Nothing. There is no Sandra
White before two years ago.
She didn't exist. Can I
have one of those bananas?
What? No, you can't. No.
And what do you mean she didn't exist?
Everybody exists.
Social Security numbers,
tax records.
Nada.
But I tailed her to a rat trap
of an apartment in Hollywood.
What's she doing
in a Hollywood apartment?
She's got a big place
up in the Palisades.
You know what? I don't care
and I don't wanna know.
And you shouldn't be
following people, Bubbles.
It's dangerous.
We are the only people in the
world that can save Phil.
And I can't
do it by myself
'cause I wear heels.
I occasionally wear heels.
I don't think so.
Come on.
(SIGHS) Shitcakes.
Yeah! No.
(WHISPERS) Here.
Okay, I see it.
I see the number.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(WHISPERING) I don't
think anybody's there.
All right,
I'm gonna get us in.
What the fuck are you doing
with the banana?
I got it
from your apartment.
Jesus, put it away.
I'm gonna get us in.
- Watch for me.
- No, no, no.
Move out of the way.
You're so dramatic.
- EDWARDS: What, do you rob houses on the weekends?
- BUBBLES: Shh!
Impressive.
Well, a girl's
got to be resourceful.
Come in. Shut the door.
Okay.
Something doesn't
feel right.
I'm not buying
that two women live here.
I'm not buying
that anybody lives here.
There's no photos
or personal items.
Huh.
Look at this, nothing.
Is that the bedroom
back there?
It's the bathroom.
Bingo.
We got another room
back there.
- What?
- There's a room behind this.
- Help me. Come on, help me.
- This?
Push it.
(GRUNTS)
- Ooh. Wow!
- God.
Oh, boy, that's creepy.
You don't see that every day.
Okay, stand back.
Stand back, I'm going
to get us in. I don't need...
- I got it.
- I don't need. I got it. I've got it.
(GRUNTS)
- (STIFLED GROANING)
- Oh.
(GASPS) I blew my hymen.
(SIGHS)
That looks really painful.
Ooh, my under-chassis.
I'm gonna have to ice my junk.
It was relatively easier
than the other.
Okay. Wait, wait... Okay.
Okay, stand...
Can you please give me...
- I'm so sorry.
- Don't hold my hand.
I won't. I won't.
God, you're so... You're...
- I'm so...
- Stop touching me.
- I'm so nervous.
- Stop touching me.
(DOOR CREAKS)
BUBBLES: Oh, my God.
EDWARDS: We've got ourselves
a good old-fashioned nutjob.
BUBBLES: Jeez,
this must have taken years.
This is one sick fuck.
She's got them all.
(GASPS)
Detective Edwards, look.
Why, she's got a real sweet
spot for our boy Phil, huh.
(GASPS) Poor Mr. P.
- Oh, my God.
- Wait a minute.
BUBBLES: What a psycho.
What the hell's she doing with the picture
of Jasper Jackabee and his daughter?
BUBBLES: Purple hair
on a puppet, that's very rare.
Oh, my God.
I saw you there,
remember?
- I guess the carpet does match the drapes.
- (GASPS)
I knew this skirt
was see-through.
I just don't like wearing underwear.
I don't like the way it feels.
I'm not talking about you.
Sandra White
is Jackabee's daughter.
What a fucking psycho bitch.
This room is like
a signed confession from her.
Also proves
that Phil is innocent.
We got her.
- BUBBLES: "Play me"?
- No, no, no! Don't touch it!
SANDRA: Ka-fucking-boom!
- BUBBLES: Oh, my God!
- EDWARDS: Get out!
Go, go, go.
(SCREAMING)
Go!
- (GROANING)
- (GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
You know I have
no bones, right?
You're basically fluffing
a pillow here. (LAUGHS)
- (GRUNTS)
- Knock it off.
Philips, you got a visitor.
(SIGHING)
Let's go!
EDWARDS: (CHUCKLES) All right.
Well, I'll see you later, Tommy.
I just need five minutes.
(PHIL EXHALING)
Jesus Christ, Phil,
you look terrible.
Yeah? Well, at least
I didn't get fucking pilafed.
- I gotta go.
- Okay, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Listen, I know I didn't
have your back before,
but I had no juice
to do it with, and now I do.
The Happytime murders
aren't about the money.
Twenty years ago, when you shot
that man in front of his daughter,
that little girl
was Sandra White.
(COUGHING)
- Holy shit.
- Yeah, holy shit.
So, you have proof?
Yes and no. We had proof
until it was incinerated.
PHIL: Hmm.
Bubbles and I may have accidentally,
uh, burned down the evidence.
- What?
- But, boy, before that,
I'll tell you what,
lock her up.
That would have
been great, huh?
Would have been epic.
- Would have been nice.
- Yeah.
See you at my execution.
Look, if we want to
get you off the hook for this,
we gotta take
down Sandra White.
All right.
What are you
thinking, partner?
I am thinking about busting
your ass out of here.
- Okay.
- What are you gonna do?
Wait, what are you doing?
(SCREAMING)
I'm gonna shoot you
in the arm.
You did shoot me in the arm!
- Officer needs assistance!
- (SCREAMING)
Self-defense! There's been
a shooting! Oh, God!
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(GROANS) What are you,
some kind of qualified tailor?
PARAMEDIC: Just let me do
my job, pal, okay?
To me, that's a waste
of good gauze.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, I hear you.
Edwards...
- Shut up, you dirty sock. (SCOFFS)
- (CHUCKLES)
(WHISPERS) Yeah, pal?
I can't believe
you fucking shot me.
Here, get yourself out.
I'm gonna get that.
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
Thought you were gonna
bite me in the dick again.
Boy, puppets
are the worst, huh?
Does this smell
like chloroform to you?
What? (MUFFLED YELP)
Good night, asshole.
(CHUCKLES)
- Driver, can I ask you a quick question?
- No, no. Wait for a red light.
Gotta go.
Philips Investigations.
(SIREN BLARING)
Slow, slow, slow,
slow, slow down!
Tell us what you got, Bubbles.
Sandra booked a private plane to Rio that
leaves out of Santa Monica in 30 minutes.
- Shit.
- PHIL: Jesus Christ.
All right, thanks, Bubbles,
you're a real peach.
Go get her.
Let's hit it,
let's go, let's go.
All right, all right,
I'm going hot and loud.
- (SIREN BLARING)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
Okay. How do you
wanna do this?
Alone.
What? Oh, my God.
- Phil, give me my gun.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I ruined your life once before,
I'm not doing it again.
This is crazy,
we're partners.
You know this is
not what partners do.
Shit!
Oh, um, excuse me, sir.
This is a private terminal.
You clearly are not
wealthy enough to be here.
You need to get
the fuck outta here.
(GASPING)
Stay calm, Mike. Just shimmy
out like Mommy told you to.
- Freeze. It's over, Sandra.
- (GASPS)
What are you gonna do,
shoot me?
I messed up, Sandra.
I missed the shot,
and I ruined all of our
lives in the process,
and I live with that guilt
every day.
I'm sorry.
That's so sweet.
But go fuck yourself.
Larry and Jenny didn't have
anything to do with this.
None of them did.
Why'd you have to keep killing
the whole gang?
I wanted
to watch you suffer.
This all started as revenge, but you
made me realize I like killing.
And I'm really
fucking good at it.
Like Manson-level good.
And now, with $10 million,
I can do anything.
All right,
so you're a psycho.
Maybe, but sex is always
better with a psycho.
- Right, honey?
- Yeah, especially felt ones.
Because our vaginas
are literally velvet.
- Oh, yeah.
- Drop it, Phil.
You definitely look hotter
than the last time I saw you.
You fell for every trap.
Men are so stupid.
Drop that gun, Phil,
I don't wanna hurt you.
No, you just wanna use me,
like Sandra used you.
You don't know
what you're talking about.
PHIL: Oh, come on, Jenny.
She seduced you and married
you just to get to me.
Shoot him, baby.
I don't know, babe. It's like, he's not
gonna sprout wings and fly after us.
I think we should just get on
the plane and take off.
We're free and clear already.
Jenny, Jenny, listen to me,
listen to me.
Twelve years ago,
I took an innocent man's life.
That man was Sandra's father.
- (SANDRA GRUNTS)
- PHIL: Oh!
By the way, I want a divorce.
Jesus Christ.
(WHISTLES)
Hey, hey, get your fucking... Hey,
hey, get your hands off of me!
(PANTING)
Ahh!
(GRUNTS)
Fuck, why are you so tiny?
PHIL: Hey, what are you guys,
part of a cult?
This is the job you get when
you don't make Secret Service?
Phil!
(GRUNTING)
PHIL: Come on, fellas.
Let's talk about this.
Don't do this for that
purple-pubed monster. (GRUNTS)
You're throwing me in a jet-engine? It
shows a real lack of creativity, guys.
One! Two...
I hope my fluff sprays
all over your cheap suits.
- MAN: Three!
- (GRUNTS)
- Bye-bye, puppet.
- Bye-bye, asshole.
(GRUNTING)
PHIL: Edwards!
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
PHIL: Edwards!
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
- Edwards!
- Phil!
(GRUNTING)
- Come on.
- (PHIL GRUNTS)
Give me the key.
She's getting away.
Shit.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Thanks.
(GROANS) My ankle.
(IN SING-SONG)
Sandra, where are you?
Come on. Let's end this thing.
It's over and you know it.
Come on out,
you little psycho.
- Drop your gun.
- (GASPING)
(GROANING)
- SANDRA: Stop right there!
- Oh, what the fuck.
Edwards! You all right?
EDWARDS:
It's deja-fucking-vu, Phil.
Oh, no, no, no. Ah, fuck me,
it's a gun to the head.
How'd she get
the drop on you?
EDWARDS: 'Cause she's like
a fucking spider monkey.
Damn! She got me
that way, too.
Put the gun down!
Come on, Phil,
don't do this again.
I don't have a shot.
Take the shot, Phil.
PHIL: (SOFTLY) Just a piece,
just a tiny piece.
Don't fuck this up.
You're a puppet, not a fleshy.
Why are you messing with me?
- (GUNSHOT)
- (GROANS)
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, shit! Lyle!
(GASPS)
- Oh!
- (MOANING)
- EDWARDS: Take the shot, Phil!
- SANDRA: He won't shoot me.
He's a blue loser puppet
with a tiny felt cock!
(PANTING)
(PANTING)
Oh, shit.
Shit, Phil!
That took you
long enough, but...
Oh!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- You finally did it, Phily!
- (SIGHS)
Attaboy!
That was a nice shot. Fuck.
(SIGHS)
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
(EXHALES)
You did good.
Yeah, you, too, kid.
God, it's very hard to pull
off all white like that.
- What?
- I got to give her that.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Right? (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS) Oh, man...
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Too soon.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(SIRENS CHIRPING)
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
You know, you gave me
quite a scare there.
I thought
I was gonna lose you.
Sweetheart, you're never
gonna lose me.
Bubbles, hey, you know,
I was thinking...
- You were?
- Yeah.
They broke the mold
when they made you.
They did?
And I'd like to take you out to
dinner, you know, someplace special.
You mean, like, on a date?
Yeah.
Like a date.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna go home
and change.
Oh. All right, okay.
- Hey, I'll pick you up later.
- Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
- Here you go. Thanks.
- OFFICER: Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.
You finally get the nerve
to ask her out?
Yeah, I'm gonna take her out
tonight for dinner.
- That took you long enough.
- Mmm.
Don't fuck this one up, Phil,
she's one of the good ones.
Yes, she is.
Good work, you two.
I knew you had it in you.
Aw, thanks, Lieutenant.
Edwards,
you're off suspension.
Thanks, Lieu.
And, Phil, I talked
to the captain,
and he put in a motion
with the mayor's office
to permanently repeal
the Philips Code.
What?
(EXHALES)
BANNING: I know it's early,
but what the heck?
I've had this sitting in my
desk, waiting for this day.
Wow.
How about that.
Far be it from me
to compliment you,
but you're the best damn cop
I've ever seen.
Oh, well, you're
no bag of shit either.
Well, you're a real
fucking poet, aren't you?
(ALL LAUGHING)
You asshole.
You are both equally
not bags of shit.
In fact, when you're working together,
you're two peas on a little fucked-up pod.
- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
You're the best, partner.
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC
PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- God almighty.
- Here we go.
- Here comes numbnuts.
- Yeah.
Word on the street is
that you did okay.
"Okay"? Phil Philips
is a goddamn hero.
Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero.
I just got a lucky shot off.
Come on.
No hard feelings?
Well, no, I still think
you're an asshole.
Asshole says what?
- What?
- (SANDRA LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
- I said, "Asshole says what?" And you...
- And you said, "What?"
- EDWARDS: 'Cause you're an asshole.
- PHIL: Yeah.
- What?
- (ALL LAUGHING)
- Every time.
- Yeah.
Always works on assholes.
I'm going back
to the FBI.
Oh, yeah, what's that stand for?
Fucking Big Idiot?
Oh, wow. What a comeback.
Yeah, that's a reverse burn.
- Hey, stupid, say "What?"
- What?
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Fucking big idiot!
- CAMPBELL: That's not what it stands for!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
PHIL: Maybe puppets do have a
chance for a happy ending.
Happy ending?
Jesus, I still can't get that
squirting cow out of my head.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(PLAYING UPBEAT RIFF)
I know a guy
who's tough but sweet
He's so fine
He can't be beat
Let's dance.
He's kind of the thing
that I desire
Sets the summer sun on fire
I want candy
I want candy
Hey. Hey...
- (GRUNTING WEAKLY)
- Oh!
What happened?
Did you break down?
I think I did.
(CREW LAUGHING)
Go to see him
when the sun goes down
Ain't no finer boy in town
You're my guy
What the doctor ordered
So sweet
You make my mouth water
I want candy
(BOTH SCREAMING)
I want candy
Yeah!
We need to talk.
Okay. Give me a minute.
Do you have any coke?
(CREW LAUGHING)
- (EXCLAIMING)
- MAN: Done.
Candy on the beach
There's nothing better
But I like candy
when it's wrapped in a sweater
- Hey, you forgot your carrot.
- BUMBLYPANTS: Not mine.
(CREW LAUGHING)
Then I'll have candy
all the time
I want candy
I want candy
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
- I have quite an appetite.
- How large?
Big enough
to take down the Titanic.
And by Titanic,
I mean your cock.
- MAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.
- (CREW LAUGHING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Category:Transcripts