Transcripts 2000-12

Transcripts from December 2000 strips.
==December 1==
Panel 1Kingston is dialing on a wired landline phone while Richard looks at him in the background.Richard: Hold on... Stretch? I think I know him. Funny looking fucker with ginger hair and weird yellow eyes right?Kingston: Yeah that's him tho' he doesn't have the yellow eyes anymore.Panel 2The camera rotates to face Kingston head on, close-up.Kingston: He lost them when the doctors gave him a new set of kidneys. Mind he still takes a shit load of drugs to stop his body rejecting them. That's how he turned into a pusher...Panel 3Kingston holds the receiver up to his head. Richard gives him a skeptical look.Kingston: The guy is already a walking pharmacy so who'll notice a few extra pills? He hides the stuff he's selling with his prescription so if the police pick him up they can't do him for shit that keeps him alive.Kingston: Mind you the stupid little shit keeps mixing the pills up so we'll be lucky if he's not dead or with it enough to tell us what I gave Norman.
==December 4==
Panel 1Stretch answers a cordless phone. There is a girly pin-up in the background but a word balloon covers the face.Stretch: 'ello?Phone (Kingston): *tut* That's no way to answer a telephone Stretch!Stretch: Okay is "What the fuck do you want Kingston?" any better?Panel 2Kingston talks into a wired landline phone.Kingston: Yeah. Right enough bollocks, what the hell were those pills you sold me the other night? Someone was actually dumb enough to take some of them.Phone (Stretch): I can't see what the problem is as it was only aspirin I gave you.Panel 3Close-up of Stretch, looking angry.Phone (Kingston): Look don't fuck me about Stretch...Stretch: No you look! If someone has OD on ya then don't try to blame me. You had a head ache that night and bugged me for aspirin!Panel 4Close-up of Kingston, looking slightly deferential.Kingston: Hold on that's right, I remember now. You gave me half the bottle. I took some then and stuffed the rest in my pocket. I didn't start orbiting Jupiter so they probably were aspirin.Panel 5Norman is staring blankly into space, eyes blurry. A loud "SNORE!" comes from him nevertheless.Off-panel (Kingston): But if... Hold on... *sigh* Forget it Stretch, I think I know what his problem is!
==December 8==
Panel 1Richard and Kingston are standing in front of Norman, who is asleep on the couch with a "Z" indicating the same. Richard looks skeptical, while Kingston looks smug. A clock shaped like a wooden box with a pyramid on top of it is on a mantle in the background.Richard: He's asleep?Kingston: Yep, he's out like a light!Panel 2Norman is staring blankly into space, eyes blurry.Off-panel (Richard): So why are his eyes open and funny looking then?Off-panel (Kingston): You can sleep with your eyes open. The brain normally closes them to stop them drying out. That's why they look funny.Panel 3Same as panel 1, except Richard is not talking and Kingston gestures at Norman as though giving a lesson. The clock and mantle from panel 1 are missing.Kingston: As he couldn't sleep the aspirin I gave him probably acted like a placebo.Kingston: He was desperate for sleeping pills and when he thought he had some: *poof!* Gone with the fairies.Panel 4Richard is shouting at Kingston, who is laughing at Richard.Kingston: Huh... Like the time Anne gave you sugar pills and told you it was Viagra!Richard: SheWHAT!Kingston: Oh yeah she told me all about how she conned another hours work out of you for pure "mind over matter!"
==December 11==
Panel 1Richard and Kingston walk away. Richard has a cross look on his face while Kingston is unconcerned.Richard: Well if Norman needs sleep that bad then I say let him have it and leave him be. Although I can't see how he got so tired in the first place to get that bad!Panel 2The camera rotates to face Richard and Kingston head on, although they are glaring at each other in anger. A window, ceiling lamp, and a wall-mounted photo of a stick figure are in the background.Richard: What?Panel 3Close-up of panel 2 minus the background artefacts, and both Richard and Kingston are shouting at each other.Kingston: We've told you and Anne loads of times that we can hear you at it all damn night through those thin bedroom walls!Richard: Yeah and I still say that you're winding me up about it! It can't be all that bad.Panel 4Kingston walks away, looking smug, while Richard panics.Kingston: Well suite yourself 'Fluffy'. Tell 'Baby Cakes' that I hope that rash of hers clears up soon. Oh and sorry, I don't know myself how to get semen stains out of a guard uniform but...Richard: EEEK! ER! I'll get an estimate on insulating the walls tomorrow and maybe invest in some earplugs too...
==December 15==
Panel 1Richard is climbing a stepladder, his left foot on the top step and his right foot on the handlebar (do not try this at home). Kingston is standing at the bottom of the stepladder and looking up at Richard.Kingston: Hay Rich' what are you doing in the loft?Richard: Oh, just getting the Christmas decorations out.Panel 2The camera rotates to view Richard from behind. He is climbing down the stepladder and looking down at Kingston while holding a box of decorations with the "up" arrows pointing down and part of a string of fairy lights sticking out. Kingston is still looking up at Richard but looks slightly cross.Kingston: Bloody hell! It's a bit early to put them up isn't it?Richard: Why? Christmas is only a few weeks away now!Panel 3Kingston looks distressed while Richard walks away with the box of decorations.Kingston: Hold on! Guy Fawkes was only a few weeks ago... Please say you're pulling my leg, as the last thing I can remember is the fuss with Norman sleeping with his eyes open! That means there's a whole month I can't remember!Richard: In that case I'd lay off that 'special' advent calendar chocolate!
==December 18==
Single PanelAnne is putting tinsel on a Christmas tree, Kingston is leaning against the television stand with a "Z" indicating his sleepiness, Richard('s butt) is visible as he grabs a suspended string of fairy lights next to Norman('s back). There is a yellow spoon? in Richard's back pocket, and his tail is upright and curled somewhat like a squirrel's. The television is on and displaying a BBC One Balloon ident (Irish 9?). A bottle, the satellite receiver, and two candles are on top of the telly.Television: And now a listing of the crap you'll be forced to watch this Christmas; starting off with tonnes of cheaply made and overly cute cartoons that not even your kids will enjoy, followed by a two hour long shot of some old fart in a church, banging on about the virgin birth and how Christmas isn't a hijacked pagan holiday and way big business is hijacking this 'christen' event. If your brain still hasn't turned to mush yet we'll then show re-runs of Christmas 'specials' (in the down syndrome sense of the word) that you'll have seen at least ten times before and that wasn't any good the first time you saw it. After that we'll be showing some right old bollocks you wouldn't dream of watching any other time of the year like 'River Dance' or something. Then the 'Hollywood Blockbusters' that you've seen loads of times before on video, cable or satellite or just have no intention of watching because most of them are a load of shite. we then will shut down because you'll ether be pissed, asleep or watching some bouncing titties on channel 4 so who cares? Also remember to pay your TV license or you'll die!
==December 22==
Christmas special
Panel 1Norman, Richard, and Kingston are carolling. Norman is wearing a blue coat with red trinkets in his pocket and holding up a lantern on a pole, eyes closed with a huge grin. Richard is wearing his brown coat and holding up sheet music, eyes closed while engrossed in singing. Kingston is wearing a fluffy white coat and looking at the sheet music in his hands.While Shepherds wash their socks by night, all seated 'round a tubA bar of fairy soap came down and they began to scrub!-Coat me balls with lots of honey!Tra -la-la-la la-la-la-laLick it off and I'll feel jolly!Tra -la-la Tra -la-la la-la-laPanel 2Anne has a disappointed/disgusted look on her face. Al is facing her (his expression is mostly hidden by his hair).Anne: I would just like to say that I don't know these people and I've never met them before in my life!Al: What she's meant to say is MERRY CHRISTMAS from me and those idiots.
==December 29==
HeaderNow statesS.S.D.D. Presents2001: A Space Oddity By Alan ForemanPanel 1A monolith is on the moon, with the Earth in the background.Caption: The Moon, about tea time...Monolith: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmPanel 2Same as panel 1.Monolith: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ....Panel 3Same as panel 1.Monolith: Hello? ... Anyone there?Panel 4Same as panel 1.Monolith: Oh for fuck's sake! You were supposed to have colonised the moon by now so where the fuck are you?Panel 5Same as panel 1.Monolith: Oi you lot! Key to the next stage of your evolution here! Coo-wee! Stop thinking free porn off the Internet is the height of technology and get up here!Panel 6Same as panel 1.Monolith: Okay, FINE! If you don't want to visit Jupiter with a spooky talking computer that wants to kill you that's fine by me... God I'm lonely!
Category:Navigation