Home Alone/Transcript

==Transcript==
Kate: Where's my suitcase?
Harry [disguised as a cop]: Miss. Young lady!
Excuse me. Girls!
[to Fuller] Hey, little fella. Hey!
Excuse me, girls. Girls!
Hey, big fella!
Leslie: Help me make the beds in the living room.
Come on down here!
Harry: Hey, son!
Big fella.
Hey, little guy! Little guy!
Kate: Pete's brother and his family are here. Trish is going to Montreal.
Woman on phone: Montreal?
Kate: Oh, her family's there. Then we're off.
Woman on phone: When?
Kate: Tomorrow.
Woman on phone: You're not ready, are you?
Kevin: Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie...but the big kids can. Why can't I?
Kate: Kevin, I'm on the phone.
[on the phone] When do you come back? Not till then?
Kevin: It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.
Kate: Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no...then it must be really bad.
[on the phone] No, we're not bringing the dog, we're putting it in the kennel for the...
[Kevin plops himself on the bed and reads a magazine]
Kate: Hey, get off! Kevin, out of the room.
Kevin: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya?
Kate: This kid.
Peter: Hey, did you pick up a voltage adaptor thing?
Kate: No, I didn't have time to do that.
Peter: Then how do I shave in France?
Kate: Grow a goatee.
Kevin: Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.
Peter: I've got somethin', why don't you pick up those MicroMachines that are all over there. Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck.
Kate: He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.
[Kevin makes a throat slitting gesture to Kate]
Peter: Didn't we talk about that?
Kevin: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I made ornaments out of fish hooks.
Peter: My new fish hooks?
Kevin: I can't make ornaments outta the old ones...with dry worm guts stuck on 'em.
Kate: Peter.
Peter: Come on, Kevin. Out.
Leslie: Do you guys have a voltage adaptor?
Peter: [hands Kevin to Leslie] Here's a voltage adapter!
Leslie: God, you're getting heavy! [puts him down] Go pack your suitcase.
Kevin: Pack my suitcase?
Tracy: Where's the shampoo?
Fuller: [sitting at the dining room table] I don't live here!
Tracy: I don't believe in a house with this many people there's no shampoo.
Harry: Are your folks home?
Tracy: Yeah, but they don't live here.
[walks away]
Heather (coming down the stairs): Tracy, did you order the pizza?
Tracy: Buzz did.
Harry: Excuse me. Are your parents here?
Heather: My parents live in Paris, sorry.
[leaves]
Harry: Hi!
Sondra: Hi!
Harry: Are your parents home?
Sondra: Yeah.
Harry: Do they live here?
Sondra: No. [leaves]
Harry: Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.
Kevin: I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!
Jeff: Tough.
Kevin: That's what Megan said.
Megan: What did I say?
Jeff: You told Kevin "Tough."
Megan: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
Kevin: I'm not an idiot!
Megan: Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
Jeff: She's right, Kev.
Kevin: Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm small.
I don't know how to pack.
Linnie: Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Jeff: Shut up, Linnie.
Kevin: You know what I should pack?
Jeff: Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.
Linnie: Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about?You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff, anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents."
Kevin: What?
Jeff: [throws his bag down the stairs which lands at Harry's feet] Bombs away!
Linnie: P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has somethin' to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.
Kevin: This house is so full of people, it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm livin' alone! [Jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him] Did you hear me? I'm livin' alone! I'm livin' alone!
Rod: [taps on the spider's tank] Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
Buzz: He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod: Some don't.
Buzz: But they got nude beaches.
Rod: Not in the winter.
Kevin: Buzz?
Buzz: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
Kevin: Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass!
Buzz: Check it out. Old man Marley.
[They all go to the window to see Marley shoveling the sidewalk and salting it]
Rod: Who's he?
Buzz: You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?
Rod: No.
Buzz: That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block...with a snow shovel. Been hidin' out in this neighborhood ever since.
Rod: If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?
Buzz: Not enough evidence to convict.
They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time...before he does it again.
Rod: What's he doin' now?
Buzz: He walks up and down the streets every night...salting the sidewalks.
Rod: Maybe he's just tryna be nice.
Buzz: No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.
Kevin: [whispering] Mummies!
Buzz: [as Marley spots them, he quickly closes the curtains] Look out!
[Pizza Boy is speeding down Lincoln Blvd. He pulls into the McCallister's driveway and hits one of the statues. He picks it up and heads to the door]
Harry: [to Brooke and Fuller who are just standing there staring at him] How you kids doin'? Good? Lot of action around here today, huh? Goin' on vacation? Where you goin'? You hear me, or what? Goin' on a trip? Where you goin', kid?
[Knock at door; Harry answers it and opens it for the pizza boy]
Pizza Boy: Okay, that's $122.50.
Harry: Not from me, kid. I don't live here.
Pizza Boy: You just around for the holidays?
Harry: I guess you could say that.
Frank: Hey, the pizza's here! There you go.
Pizza Boy: That's $122.50.
Frank: It's my brother's house. He'll take care of it.
Harry: Hey, listen...Are you Mr. McCallister?
Peter: Yeah.
Harry: The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
Pizza Boy: Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
Harry: I'd like a word with you, sir.
Peter: Am I under arrest or somethin'?
Harry: There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. We're checkin' the neighborhood to see if the proper precautions are taken, that's all.
Peter: We have automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors. That's about as well as anybody can do these days. Did you get some eggnog?
Buzz: Come on, Dad, let's eat.
Buzz: Come on.
Harry: Eggnog?
Kevin: Pizza!
Harry: Are you gonna be leaving...?
Kevin: Pizza! Pizza!
Kate: Grab a napkin and you're gonna have to pour your own drinks.
Brooke: [to Frank] Does Santa have to go through customs?
Fuller: What time do we have to go to bed?
Frank: Early. We're leaving the house at 8 a.m. on the button.
Kate: I hope you're all drinking milk. I wanna get rid of it. [to Megan] Don't you dare!
Frank: Pizza boy needs $122.50, plus tip.
Kate: For pizza?
Frank: Ten pizzas times 12 bucks.
Leslie: Frank, you've got money. Come on!
Uncle Frank: Traveler's checks.
Kate: Forget it, Frank. We have cash.
Peter: You probably got the checks that don't work in France.
Kevin: Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
Buzz: [stuffing his face with a slice of cheese pizza] Yeah, we did. But if you want any...somebody's gonna have to barf it all up 'cause it's gone.
Leslie: Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi.
Buzz: Kev! Kev, get a plate. [pretends to puke to spite Kevin; Kevin charges towards him knocking the milk over and soaking the passports and tickets]
Peter: Passports!
Uncle Frank: Watch it! [Peter accidentally knocks over the bottle of Pepsi which spills on Frank's pants; Frank traps Fuller behind his chair]
Peter: No, no. Get these passports out of here. [Kevin's ticket is accidentally thrown away]
Aunt Leslie: [to Fuller] Are you okay, honey? Come here. Are you all right?
Kate: [to Kevin] What is the matter with you?!
Kevin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions....
Uncle Frank: [wiping dregs of Pepsi off his pants] Look what ya did, ya little jerk!
[the rest of the family stare irately at Kevin]
Kate: Kevin, get upstairs now.
Kevin: Why?
Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease.
Kevin: Shut up!
Peter: Kevin, upstairs!
Kate: Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin: (Sarcastically) "Good night, Kevin." Why do I get treated like scum?
Kate: [to Pizza Boy] I'm sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's nuts.
Kevin: How come you didn't bring more cheese pizzas?
Pizza Boy: Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
Kate: Thanks.
[Pizza Boy leaves]
Harry: Havin' a reunion, or something?
Kate: My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still here. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris...so we can be together.
[Harry flashes his gold tooth at Kevin]
Harry: You're takin' a trip to Paris?
Kate: Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Harry: Excellent. Excellent.
Kate: If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.
Harry: Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.
[Harry leaves]
Kate: There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.
Kevin: I'm the only one getting dumped on.
Kate: You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.
Kevin: I am upstairs, dummy. [Kate opens the door leading to the attic] The third floor?
Kate: Go.
Kevin: It's scary up there.
Kate: Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.
Kevin: I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know all about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it.
Kate: Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.
Kevin: I'm sorry.
Kate: It's too late. Get upstairs.
Kevin: Everyone in this family hates me!
Kate: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin: I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Kate: Just stay up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin: I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else either.
Kate: I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kevin: No, I wouldn't.
Kate: Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.
Kevin: I hope I never see any of you jerks again!
[Laying in the bed, in his head] I wish they would all just disappear.
[Overnight, a storm causes a tree branch to break and hit the power lines creating an electricity outage which shorts out the transformer nearby. This results in Peter and Kate's alarm clock resetting to 12:00am; cut to morning where van drivers knock on door]
Van Driver: Where are they?
2nd Van Driver: I don't know. She said 8 sharp.
[Doorbell rings as Kate looks at her watch]
Kate: Peter!
(Peter and Kate wake up, looking surprised.)
Both: We slept in!
[Everyone wakes up, runs around the house like headless chickens trying to get ready. Mitch Murphy walks up to the vans.]
Mitch Murphy: Hi, I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys goin' out of town? We're going to Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. You know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage?
Driver: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road!
Kate: Heather, do a head count. Get everyone in the vans. Where are the passports and tickets?
Peter: I put them in the microwave to dry 'em off.
Mitch Murphy: How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have 4-wheel drive?
Van Driver: Look, I told you before, kid. Don't bother me. Now, beat it!
Heather: Line up in front of the van. Line up and shut up!
Mitch: [looks through a bag of goodies; takes a picture with a disposable camera] Wow!
Heather: Shut up! I need a head count.
Heather: One, two, three...
Buzz: [interrupting her] 11, 92, 12...
Heather: Buzz, don't be a moron. Six, seven, eight, nine [counts Mitch as Kevin], ten, [counts herself again] eleven.
Heather: Okay, half in this van, half in this van. Let's go.
Mitch Murphy: [waves as he walks away] Have a good trip. Bring me back somethin' French.
Uncle Frank: There's no way on Earth we're gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.
Peter: Think positive, Frank.
Uncle Frank: You be positive. I'll be realistic.
Utility worker: Excuse me ma'am, I just wanted to let you know that your power is fixed...but the phone lines are a mess. It's gonna take Ma Bell a couple of days to patch 'em up...especially around the holidays.
Kate: Thanks.
[closes the van door without really listening]
Kate: Heather, did you count heads?
Heather: Eleven, including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers...and a partridge in a pear tree.
[The scene cuts to the airport, where they're all running to catch the flight.]
Peter: Hold the plane!
Kate: Did we miss the flight?
Gate attendant: No, you just made it.
All: Yay!
Attendant: Single seats only in coach. Take whatever's free.
All: Thank you! Bye!
Jeff: I get a window seat!
Uncle Frank: You kids are in coach, we're up here.
Leslie: Seats Four A and B.
Stewardess: Four A and B. I'll take your coats. Fasten your seat belts please.
Frank: Champagne, please. It's free, isn't it?
Stewardess: Oh, yes.
Peter: We made it. Do you believe it?
Kate: Hope we didn't forget anything.
Kevin: Mom?
Frank: That's real. It's real crystal.
Leslie: Yeah, so?
Frank: [telling Leslie to take the silverware] Put 'em in your purse.
Leslie: Frank, I can't do that.
Frank: Just... put them in your purse!
Frank: Yeah. Fill it up. Fill it up. Fill it up, please. Thank you.
Kate: Don't you feel like a heel, flying first class with the kids in coach?
Peter: No. The kids are fine. The only time I ever flew as a kid was in the station wagon, not to France. We used to have to go to Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house. Kids are okay. They're having the time of their lives.
Kevin: Hello? Mom? Dad? Mom? Dad? Where are you guys? Buzz? Buzz? Megan? Hello? Hello? Rod? Uncle Frank? [Goes into the basement] Uncle Frank, is this a joke? Megan? Linnie? Is this a joke? It's only my imagination. Only my imagination. [the furnace starts up, he runs upstairs and out to the driveway; he discovers that the garage is open] The cars are still here. They didn't go to the airport!
[He goes back inside and sits at the island]
Kevin: [apprehensively] I made my family disappear.
[thinks back to family members saying bad things about him. Then he smiled.]
Kevin: [Happily] I made my family disappear.
[Kevin celebrates his freedom]
Kevin: I'm free! Woo! [jumps up and down on his parent's bed eating a bowl of popcorn wearing boots]
Wow!
[Looks at a Playboy magazine in Buzz's trunk; throws it behind him] No clothes on anybody. Sickening!
[Finds some firecrackers]
Cool! Firecrackers! I'll save these for later. Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff. You better come out and pound me!
[Sees a picture of Buzz's girlfriend; turns the picture over and the glass in the frame breaks]
Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof!
[Kevin watches a film called Angels with Filthy Souls and is eating a bowl of ice cream]
Johnny: Who is it?
Snakes. It's me. Snakes. I got the stuff.
Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
Snakes: All right, Johnny, but what about my money?
Johnny: What money?
Snakes: Acey said you had some dough for me.
Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya?
Snakes: Acey said ten percent.
Johnny: Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.
Snakes: Whaddya mean?
Kevin: [movie continues as he says this] Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!
Johnny; He's upstairs takin' a bath. He'll call you when he gets out. Hey. I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of ten...to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property...before I pump your guts full of lead.
Snakes [calmly]: All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm goin'.
Johnny: One, two... ten.
[The gunfire starts, Snakes is dead]
Johnny: Keep the change, you filthy animal.
[Meanwhile, on the airplane. Kate opens up her eyes and lifted her head up.]
Peter: What's the matter? Honey?
Kate: I have a terrible feeling.
Peter: About what?
Kate: That we didn't do something.
Peter: You feel that way because we left in a hurry. We took care of everything.
Kate: Did I turn off the coffee?
Peter: No. I did.
Kate: Did you lock up?
Peter: Yeah.
Kate: Did you close the garage?
Peter: That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.
Kate: No, that's not it.
Peter: What else could we be forgetting?
Kate: [sits bolt upright] KEVIN!
Stewardess: The captain's doing all he can. Your phones are out of order.
Leslie: We'll call when we land. I'm sure it's okay.
Frank: Horrible. Horrible. Just horrible.
Kate: How could we do this? We forgot him.
Peter: We didn't forget him, we just miscounted.
Kate: What kind of mother am I?
Frank: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
[Harry and Marv are observing houses on Lincoln Blvd. from their truck]
Harry: Five families gone on one block alone. They all told me from their own mouths. It's almost too easy. Check it out: All the houses with nobody home...have automatic timers on their lights. But I got it all figured out. Watch this. Number 664... will be going on right about...now. [it does] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Number 672...right...now. [does so] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 671...now. [It lights up too] And that's the one, Marvin. That's the silver tuna.
Marv: It's very G.
Harry: Very G, huh? It's loaded. It's got lots of topflight goods. Stereos, VCRs...
Marv: Toys?
Harry: Probably lookin' at some very fine jewelry. Possible cash hoard. Odd marketable securities. Who knows? It's a gem. Grab your crowbar.
[they bang the crowbars together]
Crowbars up.
[Kevin is asleep; the cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas is on TV]
🎵You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch. You're the king of sinful sots. Your heart's a dead tomato. Blotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch...🎵
Marv: Which way?
Harry: We'll go around back, down the basement.
[Kevin wakes up and spots them through the window; he turns on all the lights]
Marv: Thought you said they were gone.
Harry: They were supposed to leave this morning.
Marv: Let's get out of here.
A French woman at the airport is on the phone; they are pushing to get her off]
We have to use the phone, please. It's an emergency. We really have to make a call. Please! Our brother's home alone. Give us the phone! I'm sorry. Thank you.
I'm calling the police.
Kate: Book us a flight home. Get change out of here. Call everybody you know. Here's my address book. You and Frank call everyone on our street. Maybe somebody can help us. Hello? Hello? Oh, she'll have to call you back. [disconnects the call and puts money in]
Kevin [hiding under Peter and Kate's bed] This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under a bed. And I can't be a wimp. I'm the man of the house.
[goes outside]
Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said, I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore. [sees Marley; screams, runs back inside and hides under the covers]
Rose: Village police department.
Kate: I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone. I'd like somebody to go over there. Tell him that we're coming home to get him.
Rose: Okay, let me connect you with Family Crisis Intervention. Hold on. [knocks on window next to her] Larry, can you pick up? There's some lady on hold. She sounds kinda hyper.
Larry: What line, Rose?
Rose: Uh, two.
[as he is eating a donut]
Larry: Family Crisis Intervention, Sergeant Balzak.
Kate: I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.
Larry: Has the child been involved in violence with a drunk family member?
Kate: No!
Larry: Has he been involved in a household accident?
Kate: I don't know. I hope not.
Larry: Has the child ingested any poison or is an object lodged in his throat?
Kate: No, he's just home alone!
[a piece of donut falls from Larry's phone]
I'd like somebody to go over to the house...and see if he's all right, just to check on him.
Larry: You want us to go over to your house, just to check on him?
Kate: Yes!
Larry: Let me connect you to the police department.
Kate: They just transferred me to you.
Larry: Rose!
Rose: Yeah.
Larry: Hyper on two. Hold on, please.
Kate: No, please don't hang up. Please! Any luck?
Linnie: I couldn't get anybody.
Kate: Leslie?
Leslie: Nothin' but a bunch of answering machines.
Kate: Somebody pick up. PICK UP!!!
Rose: Oh, hi, ma'am. It's you again.
Kate: Look, I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone, and l...
Rose: Okay. We'll send a policeman over to your house to check on your son.
[policeman does nothing more than knock on the door which frightens Kevin]
Policeman: There's no one home. The house looks secure. Tell them to count their kids again.
[leaves]
[Peter is talking to the ticket agent at the desk]
You can't bump somebody or ask or...?
French ticket agent: There's no way I can do that.
Peter: Isn't there a way if you ask somebody? If you said it's an emergency...
French ticket agent: I cannot ask them.
Kate: She's sending a policeman over to the house to check on Kevin.
Peter: Well, that's a relief. Everything here is booked.
Kate: Nothing to Chicago?
Peter: There's nothing to Chicago, New York, Nashville, you name it. Everything's gone. What about a private plane?
French ticket agent: Sorry. We don't do that.
Peter: The only thing is a booking for us on Friday morning.
Kate: Friday morn... That's two days away.
Peter: The kids are exhausted, and so are you. There's nothing we can do here. I say we go over to Rob's, and that way we can call the police again and they can get back to us.
Kate: I'm not leaving here unless it's on an airplane.
French ticket agent: Madame, we are doing everything we can. If you want to stay at the airport, maybe we can get you on standby. It is a possibility that a seat will open up. Is that okay?
Kate: Yes. I'll wait.
Peter: I'll miss you, honey.
Peter: Don't you get lost.
Kate: Goodbye.
Kevin: I took a shower, washing every body part with actual soap. Including all my major crevices...and between my toes and in my belly button...which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used creme rinse for that just washed shine. I can't find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.
[Kevin screams in agony after putting on aftershave]
[Climbs on Buzz's shelves causing them to break and let the tarantula out]
All right! Buzz's life savings.
[notices a van in the Murphy's driveway] I thought the Murphys went to Florida.
[Harry and Marv are in the Murphy's house robbing it]
Harry: [as Marv is making noise clearing a curio cabinet with his crowbar] Y'know you're one of the great cat burglars of the world, Marv? Ya think you can keep it down a little in there, huh?
Murphy's answering machine: Hi, you've reached the Murphy's. Please leave a message after the beep.
Peter [on answering machine]: Jack, this is Peter McCallister again, and we're in Paris at my brother's apartment. Let me give you the number here, okay? The country code is 3-3. The area code is 1-4. And the number is 694–876...
Marv: Hey, Harry.
Harry: Yeah?
Marv. That house we were at last night, was that the McCallister's?
Harry: Yeah.
Peter: Call me in Paris.
Marv: You're right. They're gone.
Harry: I knew they were.
Marv: Silver tuna tonight.
Harry: [looking through kaleidoscope] Wow!
[Kevin is now at Hubbard's Pharmacy picking up a toothbrush]
Drugstore Clerk: How may I help you?
Kevin: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?
Drugstore Clerk: [looks at it] Well, I don't know. It doesn't say, hon.
Kevin: Can you please find out?
Drugstore Clerk: Herb.
Herb: Yeah?
Drugstore Clerk: I got a question here about a toothbrush. Do you know, is this brush approved by the American Dental Association?
[at this point, Marley has approached the counter with a crudely bandaged hand and places it on the counter]
Herb: I don't know.
[Kevin, frightened, slowly backs away as Marley looks at him]
Drugstore Clerk: Oh, hon, you pay for that here. Wait, son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son? Son! Hey! Jimmy, stop that boy!
[Kevin runs out of the pharmacy]
Jimmy: Hey! Hey!
[to cop writing a ticket] Shoplifter!
Cop [chasing Kevin]: Hey! Hey, kid! Come back here! Stop it, will ya? Come here.
[Kevin slides on his knees through an ice skater; cop collides with a hockey player] Yee-haw!
Kevin [walking down the street]: I'm a criminal.
[Marv is inside the Murphy home and has just plugged up the sinks with dish towels and left them running; he closes the door and gets in the van]
Harry: What's so funny? What's so funny? What are you laughin' at? You did it again, didn't ya? You left the water running, didn't ya? What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.
Marv: Harry, it's our calling card.
Harry: Calling card.
Marv: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits.
Harry: You're sick, y’know that? You're really sick.
[They're pulling out of the driveway as Kevin is walking on the sidewalk dejectedly]
Marv: I'm not sick.
Harry: Yes, you are!
Marv: I'm not sick!
Harry: That's a sick thing to do! We don't need that kind of heat.
Marv: Don't tell me what to do! I can do it if I want to!
Harry: You're sick!
Marv: It's not sick! Hey, watch out!
[they almost plow down Kevin]
Harry: Hey! Hey! You've gotta watch for traffic, son, y'know?
Kevin: Sorry.
Harry: Damn.
Marv: Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[smiles flashing his gold tooth]
Marv: What's the matter?
Harry: I don't like the way that kid looked at me. Did ya see that?
Marv: Ever seen him before?
Harry: I saw a hundred kids this week.
Marv: Let's see what house he goes into.
[they slowly follow him; when he turns around, they stop, look around and whistle; once Kevin turns back around, they continue following him and Kevin starts to run]
Marv: Why's he goin' faster?
Harry: I told you somethin's wrong. See, I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run?
[Kevin is hiding in the nativity scene outside the church]
Marv: [rolls down his window] Maybe he went in the church.
Harry: I'm not goin' in there.
Marv: Me neither.
Harry: Let's get outta here.
Kevin: When those guys come back, I'll be ready.
[cut to later where Kevin has set up some mannequins to make them think the house is full of people]
Marv: Did they come back?
Harry: From Paris? We'll come back tomorrow. Maybe they'll be gone. We better get outta here before somebody sees us.
[cut to Rob and Georgette's apartment]
Frank [holding a plate of shrimp]: Look what I found in the kitchen.
Georgette: Frank, those are for later.
Frank: Mes petit enfants, do you want a little shrimp, huh?
Peter: [on the phone] Do you speak English? Well, is there...
Did you get anybody?
Peter: I am looking for my son, do you know where he is?
No, I can't find anybody. They're all shopping. Nobody's home for the holidays. Never mind, forget it.
Megan: This is so pointless.
Buzz: What?
Megan: We're here rotting in this apartment. Kevin's at home. Mom's at the airport.
Buzz: So?
Megan: You're not at all worried about Kevin?
Buzz: Why should I be? He's acted like a jerk one too many times, and now he caught it in the butt.
Megan: He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out?
Buzz: The trout can use a couple of days in the real world.
Megan: You're not worried that something might happen to him?
Buzz: No. For three reasons: A. I'm not that lucky. Two: We have smoke detectors...and D: We live in the most boring street in the whole United States of America where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
[Pizza Boy yet again speeds down Lincoln Blvd. to the McCallisters and hits the same statue as before; he picks it up, goes to the front door and reads the note telling him to go the back door]
[Kevin plays the Angels with Filthy Souls on the kitchen tv]
Johnny: Who is it?
Pizza Boy: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.
Johnny: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
Pizza Boy: Okay. What about the money?
Johnny: What money?
Pizza Boy: [Matter-of-factly] Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya?
Pizza Boy: That'll be $11.80, sir.
[Kevin slips $12 through the dog door]
Johnny: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
Pizza Boy: Cheapskate.
Johnny: Hey. I'm gonna give you to the count of ten...to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property...before I pump your guts full of lead. One… two... ten.
[gunshots from the movie scare Pizza Boy; he trips over garbage cans. Runs to his car and speeds off]
[Kevin opens the door and brings the pizza inside] A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.
PA System: To Dallas/Fort Worth. American Airlines...
Kate: So we have the $500, the pocket translator...the two first-class seats, that's an upgrade...
Irene: Is that a real Rolex?
Kate: Do you think it is?
Irene: No.
Kate: But who can tell? I also have a ring.
Irene: Oh, that is beautiful!
Ed: They're boarding.
Irene: She's offered us two first-class tickets if we go Friday. Plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translator, $500, and...
Kate: The earrings. You love the earrings.
Ed: She's got her own earrings. A whole shoebox full of 'em. Dangly ones. [pulling Irene away] Come on, come on.
Irene: No, but...
Kate: I'm desperate. I'm begging you. From a mother to a mother. Please!
Irene: Oh, Ed. Please!
Ed: Oh, all right.
[Kevin is watching the Ed Sullivan Show in Peter and Kate's room]
Ed Sullivan: "Dear Santa, I got a little sister last year. This year I'd rather have some Clay-Doh."
[looking at a picture of the family]
Kevin: I didn't mean it. If you come back, I'll never be a pain in the butt again. I promise. Good night. [puts picture on nightstand]
🎵I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Just like the ones I used to know. Where those treetops glisten, and children listen, to hear sleigh bells in the snow, the snow🎵 [Kevin puts aftershave on and screams in agony like the first time]
[Kevin is in the supermarket at the checkout]
Kevin: Are those microwave dinners any good?
Checkout girl: I don't know.
Kevin: I'll give 'em a whirl.
[she holds up a bag of army men]
Kevin: For the kids. [gets out a coupon for the orange juice] Hold on, I got a coupon for that. It was in the paper this morning.
Checkout girl: $19.83.
Kevin: Okay.
Checkout girl: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin: Ma'am, I'm 8 years old. You think I'd be here alone? I don't think so.
Checkout girl: Where's your mom?
Kevin: My mom is in the car.
Checkout girl: Where's your father?
Kevin: He's at work.
Checkout girl: What about your brothers and your sisters?
Kevin: I'm an only child.
Checkout girl: Where do you live?
Kevin: I can't tell you that.
Checkout girl: Why not?
Kevin: Cause you're a stranger.
[Kevin is walking home, and the bags with the groceries break; Kevin is in the basement putting in a load of laundry when the furnace opens]
Furnace: Hello, Kevin!
Kevin: Shut up!
Harry: I don't get it. It looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumpin'. Somethin' ain't right. Go check it out.
Marv: Now?
Harry: No, tomorrow, egghead! Now! Go ahead. "Now."
[Kevin is washing dishes when Marv drops his shoe through the dog door; plays movie]
Marv: Shit.
Johnny: Get the hell outta here.
Snakes: All right, Johnny. But what about my money?
Johnny: What money?
Snakes: Acey said you had some dough for me.
Johnny: Is that a fact? How much do I owe ya?
[Kevin is readying the firecrackers with a pot and lighter]
Snakes: Acey said ten percent.
Johnny: Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.
Snakes: Whaddya mean?
Johnny: He's upstairs, takin' a bath. He'll call you when he gets out. Hey, I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes.
Marv: [listening by the door] Snakes?
Johnny: I'm gonna give you to the count of ten...to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property...before I pump your guts full of lead.
Snakes: All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm goin'.
Johnny: One… two... ten.
[Kevin lights the firecrackers as the sound of gunshots play]
Kevin: [mouths the words as Johnny says them] Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
[Marv runs back to the van]
Harry: What happened?
Marv: I don't know who's in there, but somebody just got blown away! Somebody beat us to the job, they're in there! Two of 'em. There was arguing. One of 'em blew the other one away.
Harry: Who?
Marv: I don't know. I recognized one of their voices. I know I heard that name "Snakes" before.
Harry: [thinking] Snakes? Snakes. Snakes. I don't know no Snakes. Snakes.
Marv: Let's get outta here.
Harry: Hold it. Hold it. Let's wait and see who it is. We work this neighborhood too. Supposin’ the cops finger us for a job...and they start askin' us questions about a murder in the area. Wouldn't it be nice to have a face to go with their questions?
Marv: [contemplates this for a minute] That's a good idea.
Harry: Of course it's a good idea. Snakes?
Marv: He sounded like a snake.
[cut to Scranton airport, Kate is at the ticket desk.]
Scranton ticket agent: Everything's full.
Kate: Everything's full?
Scranton ticket agent:I'm very sorry, but it is Christmas Eve.
Kate: What about another airline?
Scranton ticket agent: Nothing available. May I help you get a hotel room? Tomorrow we can get you a flight.
Kate: I can't wait that long.
Scranton ticket agent: I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're doing absolutely everything we can.
Kate: [to woman waiting] I'm in your way. I'm sorry. You've places to go. Got a ticket there, good. [pushes woman out of the way] Excuse me. Look, I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Chicago to Paris, to Dallas, to...where the hell am I?
Scranton ticket agent: Scranton.
Kate: I'm trying to get home to my 8-year-old son. Now you're telling me it's hopeless?
Scranton ticket agent: I'm sorry.
Kate: No, no, no, no. No way. This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope. I don't care if I have to get on your runway and hitchhike...if it costs me everything I own...if I have to sell my soul to the Devil himself...I am going to get home to my son.
Scranton ticket agent: Ma'am, if there was anything...
Kate: Do it. Do anything.
Scranton ticket agent: I can get you a hotel room.
[Gus has been observing from a distance]
Kate: What?
Gus: Can you excuse us for a sec? Can I see you for a second, please? Excuse us.
[pulls Kate aside]
You got a little bit of a dilemma. We got a crisis ourselves. Allow me to introduce myself. Gus Polinski. Polka King of the Midwest?
[Kate looks confused]
Gus: The Kenosha Kickers? Hi there. Hiya. That's okay. I thought you might have recognized...I had a few hits a few years ago. That's why I just... "Polka, Polka, Polka"? 🎵Polka, polka, polka🎵, "Twin Lakes Polka"? "Yamahoozie Polka," a.k.a. "Kiss Me Polka"? "Polka Twist"?
Kate: These are songs?
Gus: Yeah. Yeah, we... Some fairly big hits for us. Y'know, in the early '80s. Yeah, we sold about 623 copies of that.
Kate: In Chicago?
Gus: No, Sheboygan. Very big in Sheboygan.
Kate: Did you say you could help me?
Gus: Anyway, I'm ramblin' on here. Our flight was canceled...so we're gonna drive. See the guy in the yellow jacket over there by the Budget sign? He's gonna rent us a nice big van to drive to Milwaukee. Now, I heard you had some problems gettin' to Chicago? To see your kid or somethin' ?
Kate: Uh, my son. He... We left, and he's there.
Gus: Oh, gee. If you have to get to Chicago, we'll gladly drive ya. It's on the way to Milwaukee.
Kate: You'd give me a ride?
Gus: Sure, why not? You've gotta get home.
Kate: A ride to Chicago?
Gus: Sure, it's Christmastime.
Kate: Thank you. Oh, thank you.
Gus: If you don't mind goin' with polka bums?
Kate: No, I'd love to.
---
[The McAllister house: outside, living room, and Harry and Marv's van.]
[Kevin is on a ladder cutting down a tree; when Harry spots him]
Harry: Hey, Marv. [wakes him up] Marv, Marv! Look at this. I think we're gettin' scammed by a kindygartner.
[Harry and Marv are looking in through the window when Kevin catches their reflection in an ornament he's putting on the tree; pretends to ask for help]
Kevin: Dad, can you come here and help me?
Harry: Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here.
Marv: If the kid's here, the parents gotta be.
Harry: He's home alone.
Marv: What? You wanna come back tonight?
Harry: Uh huh.
Marv: Even with the kid here?
Harry: Uh huh.
Marv: I don't think that's a good idea.
Harry: Look, that house is the only reason we started workin' this block. Ever since I laid my eyes on that house, I wanted it.
[Kevin opens the window and is listening to the next speech.]
Harry: Let's take it one step at a time. We'll unload the van, get a bite to eat, we'll come back about 9:00.
Kevin [whispering]: Nine o'clock.
Harry: This way it's dark then.
Marv: Yeah, kids are a-scared of the dark.
Harry: You're afraid of the dark too, Marv. You know you are.
Marv: No, I'm not.
Harry: Yes, you are.
Marv: Not, not, not.
Harry: You are so.
Kevin [to himself]: Mom, where are you?
---
[Rental van used by the Polka band.]
[the band is playing "Deck the Halls"; Gus is trying to get Kate to play, but she politely refuses]
Gus: Do you play? Do you wanna try? Go ahead, try it. Try it!
Kate: No.
Gus: Okay.
[Kevin is walking up to a small shack where a woman dressed as an elf is coming out]
Kevin: Excuse me.
Santa's Elf: Yeah?
Kevin: Hey, nice shoes.
Santa's Elf: Oh, thanks.
Kevin: Is he still here? It's really important that I see him.
Santa's Elf: He's gettin' in his car. If you hurry, you can catch him.
"Santa": How low can you go! Giving Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve! What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
Kevin: Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute?
"Santa": Quickly. Santa's got a little get together he's late for.
Kevin: I know you're not the real Santa Claus.
"Santa" [smoking a cigarette; his fake beard is pulled down] Huh, what makes you say that? Just out of curiosity. [Pulls the beard up]
Kevin: I'm old enough to know how it works.
"Santa": All right.
Kevin: But I also know you work for him. I'd like you to give him a message.
"Santa": Shoot.
Kevin: Kevin McCallister, 671 Lincoln Blvd. Do you need the phone number?
"Santa": No, that's all right.
Kevin: This is extremely important. Please tell him instead of presents, I just want my family back. No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?
"Santa": Okay. I'll see what I can do.
Kevin: Thanks.
"Santa": Wait. My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend.
Kevin: That's okay.
"Santa": No, don't be silly. Everybody who sees Santa has got to get somethin'. Here, hold out your little paw there.
[He pours out a few mint Tic-Tacs into Kevin's glove.]
There you go. Don't spoil your dinner.
Kevin: I won't. Thanks.
["Santa" gets in his car and starts it, only for it to stall]
"Santa": Son of a...
---
[Kevin is in the church; Marley is sitting in a nearby pew and asks Kevin if he can sit with him. The choir is singing "O Holy Night"]
Marley: Merry Christmas. May I sit down? That's my granddaughter. The little red-haired girl. She's about your age. You know her?
Kevin. No.
Marley: You live next to me, don't you? You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid. There's a lot of things going around about me, but none of its true. Okay? You've been good this year?
Kevin: I think so.
Marley: You swear to it?
Kevin: No.
Marley: Yeah. Well, this is the place to be if you're feeling bad about yourself.
Kevin: It is?
Marley: I think so.
Kevin: Are you feeling bad about yourself?
Marley: No.
Kevin: I've been kind of a pain lately. I said some things I shouldn't have. I really haven't been too good this year. Yeah. I'm kind of upset because I really like my family. Even though sometimes I say I don't. Sometimes I even think I don't. Do you get that?
Marley: I think so. How you feel about family is a complicated thing.
Kevin: Especially with an older brother.
Marley: Deep down, you'll always love him. But you can forget that you love him. You can hurt them, they can hurt you. That's not just because you're young. You wanna know the real reason why I'm here?
Kevin: Sure.
Marley: I came to hear my granddaughter sing. I can't come hear her tonight.
Kevin: You have plans?
Marley: No. I'm not welcome.
Kevin: At church?
Marley: You're always welcome at church. I'm not welcome with my son. Years back, before you and your family moved on the block...I had an argument with my son.
Kevin: How old is he?
Marley: He's grown up. We lost our tempers, and I said I didn't care to see him anymore. He said the same, and we haven't spoken to each other since.
Kevin: If you miss him, why don't you call him?
Marley: I'm afraid if I call, he won't talk to me.
Kevin: How do you know?
Marley: I don't know. I'm just afraid he won't.
Kevin: No offense, but aren't you a little old to be afraid?
Marley: You can be old for a lot of things. You're never too old to be afraid.
Kevin: That's true. I was afraid of our basement. It's dark. There's weird stuff down there, and it smells funny. That sort of thing. It's bothered me for years.
Marley: Basements are like that.
Kevin: I made myself go down to do some laundry...and I found out it's not so bad. I worried about it, but if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal.
Marley: What's your point?
Kevin: My point is, you should call your son.
Marley: What if he won't talk to me?
Kevin: At least you'll know. Then you could stop worrying about it. You won't have to be afraid anymore. No matter how mad I was, I'd talk to my dad. Especially around the holidays.
Marley: I don't know.
Kevin: Just give it a shot. For your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you. And the presents.
Marley: I send her a check.
Kevin: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.
Marley: Oh, that's nice.
Kevin: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. I have a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.
Marley: You better run home where you belong. Think about what I said. All right?
Kevin: Okay.
Marley: It's nice talking to you.
Kevin: Nice talking to you. What about you?
Marley: Me?
Kevin: Yeah. You and your son.
Marley: We'll see what happens. Merry Christmas.
Kevin: Merry Christmas.
[He walks up the aisle. The bell rings for eight o'clock; he remembers what time Harry and Marv will strike at, and runs through the town, to back home, getting in shortly after the lights come on.]
---
[McAllister House, front door. Kevin closes the door behind himself and locks it.]
Kevin: This is my house. I have to defend it. [He lays out his battle plan. A montage follows: laying out his Micro Machines at the foot of the staircase; pouring cold water on the front steps; taking an electric charcoal lighter from the barbeque and attaching it to the front doorknob; spraying cold water from the hose on the outdoor steps to the basement; painting the inside basement steps with tar; fitting a nail through some tough paper; climbing into the treehouse to attach a zipline from the attic window; pouring glue on plastic wrap; moving a motorized fan with a load of feathers before it to the dining room door; spreading Christmas decorations on the floor by the window near the tree; filling two paint tins with string and carrying them off. The Christmas tree lights come on, and the microwave pings with Kevin's dinner.]
[Harry and Marv pull up in their van.]
Harry: Okay, we'll check it out first. We can always come back for the truck.
Marv: How do you wanna go in?
Harry: We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know.
Marv: Yeah, he's a kid. Kids are stupid.
Kevin: [sitting down to eat his mac and cheese] Bless this nutritious microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.
[Suddenly, the clock chimes 9:00pm and Kevin blows out the candles and gets Buzz's BB gun.]
Kevin: [cocks the gun] This is it. Don't get scared now. [He stands by the kitchen door, hiding.]
Harry: [he and Marv are now at the kitchen door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. It's Santy Claus and his elf.
[Kevin sticks the barrel of the rifle through the dog door]
Harry: We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: No, no. Got some nice presents for ya.
Harry: Be a good little fella now and open the door.
[Kevin pulls the trigger, shooting Harry in the groin; he screams in pain and falls to his knees as he mumbles under his breath]
Marv: What? What? What? What? What happened?
Harry: Get that little...
Kevin: [on the floor; aims the gun at Marv as he sticks his head through the dog flap] Hello.
[Marv gets shot in the head; screams in pain]
Kevin: Yes! Yes!
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Harry: That's it! That's it! I'm goin' in the front. You go down the basement!
[Harry tries to go up the stairs towards the front door but keeps slipping due to the fact that Kevin also wet them and the water froze; he makes it to the front door and grabs the knob which is red hot from the electric charcoal lighter Kevin placed there earlier, screams in agony and plunges his hand into the snow, to his relief. We see a monogrammed "M" in his hand.]
[Marv slips down the stairs due to the fact that Kevin had used the hose to wet them and the water turned to ice; He uses his crowbar to open the door and walks into the house through the basement. He pulls a light switch which causes the iron on the laundry chute to fall on his head leaving an imprint on his face. He them walks the basement steps which had been previously tarred by Kevin which his socks and shoes get stuck to and steps on a nail in a piece of tar paper. He tries to go back outside and slips]
Harry: That smart aleck. Oh, boy. That's it, you little...You little... No, not this time, you little brat. You little creep, where are you?
[Harry gets his head blowtorched; screams in agony and then puts his head in the snow]
Kevin: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Harry: I'll rip his head off!
You're dead, kid.
[Kicks the door open]
Where are you, you little creep?!
Marv: Harry, I'm comin' in.
Kevin: [in another room, feigning fear] Oh, no! I'm really scared.
Harry: It's too late for you, kid. We're already in the house, we're gonna get ya.
Kevin: [readies the fan, plastic wrap and pillow feathers] Okay, come and get me!
Harry: [comes in through the door to the dining room; walks into the plastic wrap with clear caulk on it] Why, you...! Now you're dead!
[trips the wire triggering the fan to blow the feathers onto him]
Marv: [climbs in through the living room window and steps down barefoot onto the ornaments; screams in pain] I'm gonna kill that kid!
Harry: Marv!
Marv: Harry?
Harry: [seeing him barefoot] Why the hell'd you take your shoes off?
Marv: [seeing Harry with feathers all over him] Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?
Kevin: I'm up here, you morons! Come and get me! [they slip on the toy cars Kevin put there]
Kevin: You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?
Harry: Heads up!
[gets whacked by a paint can]
Don't worry, Marv. I'll get him for ya.
Marv: Harry! [gets whacked by a paint can]
Kevin: Yes!
Marv: He's only a kid, Harry. We can take him.
Harry: Ah, shut up, will ya? What is it?
Marv: Ooh, you're missin' some teeth.
Harry: [feels inside his mouth] Where? It's my gold tooth. My gold tooth. I'll kill 'im. I'll kill 'im! You bomb me with one more can, kid...and I'll snap off your cojones and boil 'em in motor oil! [They run up the stairs; Kevin takes the opportunity to run into Kate and Peter's bedroom to call the cops]
Dispatcher: 911 emergency.
Kevin: [disguising his voice] Help, my house is being robbed. My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name is Murphy.
Harry: You never know what's up there. There he is!
[Harry trips over the wire]
Marv: [jumps over the wire and grabs Kevin by the ankle as he tries to run into the attic] I gotcha! I got him, Harry. I got him. Harry, get up! Give me a hand! I got him! Harry, help me! Get up! I got him.
[Kevin puts the tarantula on Marv's face; he screams]
[Marv gets up and tries to kill the tarantula which has now landed on Harry's chest with his crowbar]
Harry: What are you doin', Marv?
Marv: Harry, don't move.
Harry: Marv?
Marv: Don't... move.
Harry: Marv, what are you doin'? Marv-- [screams in agony from Marv hitting him with the crowbar to try and kill the tarantula]
Marv: Did I get him? Did I get him?! Where is it? Where is it?
Harry: [whacks Marv repeatedly with the crowbar] Never mind did you get it! Here! How do you like it? Huh?! You jerk! Get that kid! Go on. Get that kid!
[They run up into the attic after Kevin] Where'd he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin: [in the tree house] Down here, you big horse's ass! Come get me before I call the police!
Marv: Let's get him! [tries to move, but Harry stops him]
Harry: Wait, wait. That's just what he wants us to do--Us to go back downstairs through his fun house so we get all tore up.
Marv: He's gonna call the cops!
Harry: He's not callin' the--From a tree house?! Come on.
Marv: Out the window?
Harry: Yeah.
Marv: I'm not goin' out the window.
Harry: Why, you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? Come on, get out here. Come on. Come on! Keep goin'. Keep goin'.
Marv: Let's go back, Harry.
Harry: Shut up. Shut it, Marv!
Kevin: [holding a pair of shears to the rope] Hey, guys! Check this out.
Harry: [as Kevin prepares to cut the rope] Go back! Go back.
[Kevin cuts the rope sending them crashing into the side of the house]
Harry: There he goes! There he is! Get out of the way, you dope!
Marv: There he is!
Kevin: Hey, I'm callin' the cops. [Runs to the Murphy's]
Harry: [to Marv] Wait, wait wait, wait. He wants us to follow him. I got a better idea. Come on. [They head him off]
[as Kevin wades through the flooded basement, he runs up the stairs only to be caught by the Wet Bandits]
Harry: Hiya, pal. We outsmarted ya this time. Get over here! [Hangs Kevin from the coat hook on the back of the door]
Marv: What are we gonna do to him, Harry?
Harry: [Marley sneaks up behind them while Harry says this] We'll do exactly what he did to us. I'm gonna burn his head with a blowtorch.
Marv: Then we can smash his face with an iron!
Harry: I'd like to slap him right in the face with a paint can maybe.
Marv: Or shove a nail through his foot!
Harry: First I'm gonna bite off every one of these little fingers, one at a time.
[Marv laughs; Marley takes his shovel and whacks Marv. Harry turns around and gets whacked with the shovel.]
Marley: [Lifts Kevin off the hook] Come on. Let's get you home.
(Old Man Marley carries Kevin back home. A few minutes later, the police arrive.)
Kevin: [watching from living room wondow] Wow! This is great.
Cop: Nice move. Always leaving the water running. Now we know each and every house that you've hit.
Cop 2: You know, we've been lookin' for you guys for a long time.
Marv: Yeah. Now, remember, we're the "Wet Bandits." Wet Bandits, that's W-E-T...
Harry: Shut up! Get in the car!
Cop: Hey, come on. Come on.
Harry [as he's being put in the car] Hand off the head, pal!
Cop: Come on.
[Cops drive away. Harry looks back at Kevin; Kevin puts a plate of cookies and carrots on the table along with a glass of milk. He straightens a present under the tree]
[Cut to Gus and Co. driving towards Chicago in the Budget van to drop Kate off]
Kate: I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent.
Gus: No, you're not. You're beatin' yourself up there. This happens. These things happen, y'know. You wanna talk about bad parents? Look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks outta the year. We hardly see our families. Joe, over there. Gosh, you know...he forgets his kids' names half the time. Ziggy over there, he's never even met his kid. Eddie... Let's just hope none of them write a book about him.
Kate: Tell me, have you gone on vacation and left your child home?
Gus: No. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible too. I was all distraught and everything. The wife and I, we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor. All day. All day. You know, when we went back at night, when we...came to our senses, there he was. Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse. Now, he was okay. You know, after six, seven weeks. He came around and started talkin' again. They get over it. Kids are resilient like that.
Kate: Maybe we shouldn't talk about this.
Gus: You brought it up, I was just tryna cheer you up.
Kate: I'm sorry I did.
Kevin: Mom? Mom?
Kate: Kevin? Kevin! Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry.
Kevin: Where's everybody else?
Kate: Oh, baby, they couldn't come. They wanted to so much, but--
Buzz: [arguing with Linnie and Megan] I didn't fall asleep in the back of the cab and drool all over you, did I?
You do drool, you split...
???: Guys, would you shut up!
Come on, you guys, it's Christmas.
Peter: Kevin! Kevin, my boy. How are you?
Kevin: Oh, it's good to see you.
Peter: You're all right. I love you. You okay?
Kevin: Yeah.
Buzz: Hey, Kev. It's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down.
Kevin: Thanks, Buzz.
Kate: Wait a minute. How did you guys get home? Peter: We took the morning flight. Remember? The one you didn't wanna wait for.
Kate: Oh, no. Oh! Thank you. Merry Christmas.
Peter: Merry Christmas.
Kate: Someone has to find an open store. We don't even have milk here.
Kevin: I went shopping yesterday.
Jeff: You, shopping?
Kevin: I got some milk, eggs, and fabric softener.
Kate: What?
Peter: No kiddin'. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?
Kevin: Just hung around.
Peter: You guys, come put your stuff upstairs.
Buzz: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe. And he's going shopping? This is not the Kevin...
Peter: [finds Harry's gold tooth on the floor; confusedly] Honey, what's this?
[Kevin goes to the window to see Marley reunited with his son, granddaughter and daughter-in-law; Marley waves to him, and Kevin waves back]
Buzz: [off] Kevin! What did you do to my room?! [Kevin runs off, shocked.]
[fade to black as credits roll]
Category:Transcripts
Category:20th Century Fox Transcripts