Rock Hard Abs

Rock Hard Abs is the eleventh episode of season three, and the fifty-first episode overall of Welcome to Fancyland!. It was written by FireMatch.
==Plot==
Squidward really wants to get rock-hard abs like he always has since he was a little kid, and goes over to the Zee French Scientist for a miracle drug that claims to give him them. However, this has intense side effects that Squidward never expected.
==Synopsis==
The episode opens with Squidward sitting at the register at the golden Krusty Krab. He puts his tentacle on his head and sighs as the familiar scent of Krabby Patties behind him wears him out. He is approached by a muscular, menacing-looking customer, and Squidward gulps.
“W-what m-ay you like to o-order?” Squidward says, sweating.
The muscular customer gives him the side eye, and orders.
“I’d like the number seventeen combo,” he says, staring Squidward down, making him nervous still. Squidward nods.
“SpongeBob! Number seventeen!” Squidward apprehensively tosses the order into the kitchen, which SpongeBob catches and starts the order. Squidward sighs and lounges for a bit until SpongeBob gives him the order.
“Order up-” SpongeBob’s shouting is interrupted by Squidward’s tentacle. Squidward uses his tentacle to push SpongeBob back into the kitchen, and grabs the order to deliver to the customer. Squidward sits back down in the register and sighs. However, his relaxation doesn’t last long because another, coincidentally also muscular, customer approaches.
“H-how may you--?” Squidward is unable to finish his sentence before the muscular fish punches directly in his nose, making the wall break and sending Squidward backwards into the kitchen.
“You have behavioral problems!” a customer tells the muscular fish.
“Heheh, therapy is workin’ on it,” the muscular fish says.
SpongeBob finishes the order and hands it to a now crushed Squidward, who manages to get up in an accordion shape and delivers the order to the muscular fish before deflating to the ground.
Fade to Squidward in his register, sighing.
“I wish I had muscles like that,” Squidward says. “In fact, I just remembered. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted… rock hard abs.”
Squidward now looks defeated, and a tear drops from his eye.
“It was my dream to be stronger than everyone else. Stronger than that idiot Squilliam…” Squidward raises a fist, then slowly puts it down. “There’s gotta be a way I can make my dream come true.”
“You could always work out,” SpongeBob pipes in.
“Shut it, peabrain, I’m moping here,” Squidward says. “Besides, I’ve tried and tried, I just don’t think my body can handle the rock… hard… abs.” He deflates. “Again, there’s gotta be some other way.”
“Closing time, boys!” Mr. Krabs announces as he walks out of his office. “Why’s Squidward looking so limp today? He looks… weak.”
“I’ve always been weak, Mr. Krabs,” Squidward says. “I’m never gonna get rock hard abs.”
“Rock hard abs, eh? Well, I used to have rock hard abs back in me navy days.” Mr. Krabs pounds on his chest. “But now it’s all flab. Sadly, boy, I don’t think there’s any way you can get the kind of abs I got back in the day. Oh, well. See you guys tomorrow.”
Mr. Krabs walks out the Krusty Krab’s double doors, and SpongeBob and Squidward follow. Bubble transition to later that night, when Squidward is in bed, scrolling on his phone. He scrolls through some social media feeds before he is shown an advertisement that intrigues him. He reads the ad out loud.
“Looking for a magical miracle that'll give you the six pack you've always dreamed of? Go to [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD] for the solution you're working for!” Squidward scratches his head. “Well, it looks like I don't have any other options. I'll see what this is all about tomorrow.”
The next morning, Squidward swiftly jumps out of bed and goes downstairs, only just realizing he doesn't have any clothes on. He covers himself, embarrassed.
“Oh yeah, I forgot I started sleeping naked,” he says, then runs up to put some clothes on. Cut to Squidward arriving at the address, which is a run-down shack in the middle of nowhere. He very hesitantly knocks on the door, and Zee French Narrator appears on the other side.
“Oh, it’s you again,” Squidward says. “What do you got for me this time?”
“It it zee biggest miracle I have created yet,” ZFS tells him. “I have tested it countless times, and I can confirm it is indeed… zee biggest miracle humanity has made.”
“Oh, really now?” Squidward questions him. “Show me this miracle you got.”
“Very well.” Zee French Scientist shows Squidward inside his lab, where several flasks, some broken others completely shattered, are shown. Squidward raises his eyebrows as he is shown more and more of the lab.
“Are you SURE that this will work?” Squidward asks coldly.
“Positive,” ZFS assures him. “100% positive.”
“Well, okay then.” Squidward rubs his hands together. “What is this magic miracle you’ve got cooked up?”
Zee French Scientist pulls out a small pill on a small plate.
“That’s it? That’s the miracle?” Squidward says, pointing to the pill.
“Eeyup. Now swallow.” Zee French Scientist says as he force-feeds Squidward the pill, and he does as he says. “Tres good. Good day. Remember, no refunds!”
Squidward leaves, skeptical of the miracle he just took. Bubble transition back to Squidward’s house, where he is doing jumping jacks.
“Jump, jump, super star!” The singer on TV sings. “Make your world what you want it to be!”
“I hope I am…” Squidward says worriedly, continuing his jumping jacks.
Just then, Squidward starts getting significantly more muscular.
“Oh! Squidward says, flexing a bicep. He turns the TV off and checks his body. “The miracle worked! Rock hard abs!”
Squidward laughs happily, and a tear of joy falls from his face.
“I haven't felt this alive since Squilliam got punched in the crotch back in high school! This is great! I'm finally muscular! Hmm… I should probably put it to good use.”
Transition to Squidward in his workout room lifting weights with ease, with Kelpy G music being played on the speakers.
“This is the life,” Squidward says, and sighs. “Life is so easy when you have life-saving miracles, ha-ha.”
Just then, Squidward gets a severe pain in his back, and he instantly lets go of the weights, which land on his torso, crushing it.
“OWWWW!” he yells. “What was that?! My back! I hate my seniority…”
Squidward rubs his back as he gets up from underneath the weights. He groans.
“This hasn't happened before,” Squidward says. “Maybe I should go to the doctor.”
Transition wipe to Squidward at the doctor’s. The doctor shakes his head while pacing around the room.
“It is never a good thing to drink such strength potions from shady free dealers,” she says. “They are all scams, all of them.”
Squidward gulps. “Including mine?”
“Including yours certainly,” she says. “All you can do is wait it out for the rest of the day.”
“The rest of the day? That doesn't seem too bad.”
“Oh, but there's a catch. The side effects can be lethal. Please be careful today.”
“Lethal?” Squidward gulps.
“Indeed. If you don't follow these instructions, then you will most likely die.” The doctor gives Squidward a piece of paper. “This is the master list of everything NOT to do for the rest of the day. Understand?”
“U-U-Understood,” Squidward replies shakily.
Bubble transition to Squidward anxiously reading the list on the sofa.
“No drinking, no eating, no jumping jacks, no fiber, no carbohydrates…” Squidward’s reading turns to gibberish as his eyes spin out of control. He rapidly shakes his head.
“I can't not do this many things at a time!” Squidward says. “It's impossible!”
SpongeBob knocks on the side window and opens it to speak.
“Never say never, Squidward!” SpongeBob laughs. “I can be your bodyguard!”
Squidward scoffs. “As if you could do any better at this list than I am.”
“Do you want to risk it, Squidward?” SpongeBob says ominously.
Squidward flinches at SpongeBob’s sudden tone change. “No, I guess I do not.”
SpongeBob enters his house through the window. “Then let's get started, friend!”
“Oh, no…”
A montage begins of Squidward doing everyday things, and SpongeBob looking over a list while telling him what not to do. First, Squidward begins brushing his teeth, but SpongeBob makes him spit it out as he cannot brush his teeth for the rest of the day. Next, Squidward begins watching TV, but SpongeBob smashes it with a hammer, as Squidward is not allowed to watch commercials. Then, Squidward lies down on his bed. However, SpongeBob takes off his covers, as he cannot be in bed with the covers on.
“Are you sure these are on the list?” Squidward asks, shivering.
“I can show you the list if you want,” SpongeBob says.
Squidward coughs.
“Oh, and no coughing.”
“Oh, come on!” Squidward groans.
The montage continues. Squidward tries to do various everyday things such as driving, eating on a plate, picking his nose, and even breathing.
“SpongeBob, ARE YOU SURE BREATHING IS NOT ALLOWED?!” Squidward yells in SpongeBob’s face, blowing his skin off.
SpongeBob puts his skin back on his face and shakes his head. “Do you want to live or not?”
Squidward sighs. “I don’t know. But that’s a story for another day.”
SpongeBob stares blankly. “I see. Well, for your own good, I’m going to keep doing this until the day is over.”
Squidward groans, then looks at his watch. “There’s only one hour left in the day. One more agonizingly painful hour…”
SpongeBob wraps his arm around Squidward’s shoulder. “It’ll all be worth it, pal.”
Squidward gulps. “Let’s just get this over with.”
“Right on!”
Cut to Squidward outside at night, inside a catapult.
“And I need to do this, why?” Squidward demands.
SpongeBob reads the list again. “Because there is ONE thing on this list that it says you SHOULD do.”
“That wouldn’t be shooting me out of a catapult into the night sky, would it?”
SpongeBob laughs. “What do you think, silly? Well, it didn’t specify the NIGHT sky, but y’know.”
“Good to know…” Squidward quivers in fear as SpongeBob is about to press a button to activate the catapult.
SpongeBob starts counting down. “5… 4… 3… 2… 1… BLAST OFF, SIR SQUIDWARD!”
Squidward screams. However, nothing happens as SpongeBob presses the button on his remote control to activate the catapult. SpongeBob repeatedly presses the button, but nothing happens still.
“This stupid control is busted,” SpongeBob says. “But the list…”
Squidward gets out of the catapult and swipes the list from SpongeBob. “Give me that!”
Squidward begins reading the list, and turns it around.
“You idiot!” he scolds. “You’ve been reading it upside down the entire time!”
“Ohh!” SpongeBob laughs. “Wait. Then what are you actually not supposed to do?”
Squidward reads the list properly. “You have been scammed. LOL”. He crumples up the long list and tosses it aside. “Figures. Wait. Did I even have rock hard abs in the first place?”
“It looks like you do now, Squidward,” SpongeBob says, pointing to Squidward’s chest. “Look! A six pack!”
Squidward pulls up his shirt to reveal his new six pack of abs. “Well, call me Sally and slap my bum! I really DO have rock hard abs! But… the list says I was scammed.”
“Maybe the real abs were the friends we made along the way,” SpongeBob laughs, and begins walking back to his house. “Welp, goodnight, Squidward.”
“Goodnight, I suppose.”
Bubble transition to Squidward checking out his new physique in the mirror.
“Well, I’ll say!” he says to himself, flexing his muscles. “Maybe all those torture exercises SpongeBob made me go through gave me some definition. Welp, time to sleep it off.”
Squidward goes to his bedroom, turns off the light, and begins snoring in his bed. Fade to the doctor’s office at night, where she looks at the camera.
“Well, I think we all learned a very valuable lesson here,” she says. “I hate women--AUGH I MEAN, um, you really CAN get physique in a week! Or in this case, a day!” The doctor laughs, then picks up a list from the ground. “Oh, I gave them the wrong list! Haha! Whoops! I wrote that other one as a joke.” The doctor wipes a tear from her eye as she laughs. “Classic. Get pranked. I… I should not be a doctor.”
Cut to a shot of Squidward exploding into a million pieces in his bed. An ambulance arrives at his house as the episode ends.
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