(S1) Chapter 15: The Wrath of Helios

“I have to use the bathroom HAM!” HAM put down his bottle of whiskey and facepalmed. “Ink, are ye fockin kiddin’ mey? Wur gunna be a’ tha base in a few-“ Ink began squirming around uncomfortably in his seat. “I GOTTA GO NOWWWWW!!!” HAM rubbed his forehead and sighed. “Ye gawda be fockin kiddin’ mey mahn. Dammit Ink! Oi Jerma.” Jerma groaned and diverted his attention to HAM. “Yes HAM?” HAM blew some smoke from his cracked skull and laid back. “Yeh soe ink koinda needsa bathroom. Yew moind stawpin a’ a bar for ink ta use it?” Jerma just groaned and turned right. “Yeah whatever. There’s a bar five minutes away.”
Five minutes of squirming and annoyance later, they reached the bar. Ink jolted into the bathroom while HAM took a seat at the bar next to some random lady. Jerma just sat next to HAM, looking at the alcohol selection. Ink came out of the bathroom and sat next to the lady next to HAM. Ink instantly started simping for this lady and got dangerously close to her. “Oi ink, back awf, wuldint ye?” Ink scoffed and went go sulk in some corner. “Sowry bout ma’ lacky lass, ‘esa weirdo. Mah name’s HAM, whaddabout yew?” The name of this guy and this whole interaction was peculiar for this random lady, but she was blissfully unaware of the plot and saw nothing too wrong with this.
“Thank you…HAM. My name’s Betty.” HAM kinda liked Betty. “Welp, lemme get sum booze for ya ya maek up fer tha’ bozo.” HAM bought some alcohol for him and her.  For some peculiar reason, the two were hitting it off quite well. Jerma was bewildered by the fact that HAM managed to be talking to a girl like this. “So you’re an evil overlord who wants to destroy things so Azathoth can do whatever he wants?” HAM nodded. Betty saw no issue with this. Not sure how she didn’t, but I guess she’s just sooooo morally neutral that she doesn’t care (this is what moral neutrality is apparently). “Wow! And I’m just a cashier.” HAM finished his drink and scooted closer to Betty. “Ey ey, well listen. Oi gotsa proposal fer ya Betty.” Betty was interested. “I’m lookin fer a new memba’ of moi crew. Wanna join it?” Anything was better than her low paying cashier job, so she took the offer.
“Yes! Of course!” Betty joined the party! “Aw, sweet! Ah’d stay away frum ink. He’s a bit uv a perv. Oi’d jus’ foire em, bu’ Azathoth won’ let me foire no one.” Betty nodded. “Welp Jerma, let’s pay tha tab an’ geddouta’ere.” HAM paid the tab. “Welp, to tha van we go.” Epic transition! “Welcome to tha van! It ain’t much, but itz enuff!” Betty was hit with a thick scent of weed. A bit odd, she thought, but oh well. Better than being a cashier. HAM took a seat next to Betty and told Ink to take the seat in the back-back with Malg, who was now just a black little blob with pink eyes. HAM talked with Betty throughout the duration of the ride until he got a phone call from Mod. “Ah, hold on a bit Betty.”
“Boss boss! I found out where Billy and crew were using my epix hack-” HAM did a comically big grin. Jesus Christ man, stop grinning before it goes off your face. “Goooood, now send in da murdarers.” HAM hung up. Who the hell are the murderers you may ask? They were never established, correct? Well READ THEIR WIKI PAGES YOU DUNCE, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS! Jk, gonna introduce them right now. Oh wait, what’s this? Oh, we’re moving on to OP!Sans and Hephaestus now. Nevermind, they can wait.
||| Cool Transition |||
“Hey sans, wake up.” Harrus opened his eyes and looked up at the wooden ceiling. He was in a cozy little cabin. He got up and stretched. “Morning papyrus. Hey….is that bacon?” Papyrus nodded. “Yeah, Aphrodite made some bacon and eggs for us.” Harrus likes bacon, so this was quite  epic for him. “Ohhhh, I love bacon! I’m gonna grab a bite then!” Insert breakfast being eaten here. After they ate, they grabbed their shit and got ready to go, only to be met with a gust of cold wind. “Going somewhere you two?” Harrus and Hephaestus turned back to see Aphrodite holding two jackets.
“Yeah, can’t forget those!” Papyrus said. OP!Frisk handed them each a jacket. “Well you boys are gonna need these then. It’s freezing out there!” Hephaestus put his on while Ares just tossed his aside. “Nah, I’ll be ok. It isn’t THAT co-“ frisk sighed and put the jacket on him with magix. “I admire your…determination, Ares, but believe me, you need this jacket.” Harrus groaned and threw the hood of the jacket over his head. “Fiiiiine. I guess I’ll wear it. But it isn’t that cold.”
Hephaestus and Ares told OP!Frisk goodbye and began through the tundra. Along the way, they encountered yetis and large mammoths…which didn’t really pose much of a threat cause these guys are literal gods. The scenery was  honestly bedazzling. They were in a glimmering, white, winter wonderland. Northern lights danced above them in the starry night sky.  It was a very pleasant walk. While walking through, Ares and Hephaestus came across a cave that seemed to have an odd glow at the end of it. Having their curiosities peaked, they continued through the cave. It was a travel cave! It surely woulda been easier to travel through this cave than to trek up the mountain range that sat atop the cave. “Huh, how convenient. Well, let’s go through. Can’t be that bad.”
They wandered through the cave, looking around as colorful crystals illuminated in the rather dark cave. There were no monsters here, just the waterfall theme playing from invisible speakers. “Well ain’t this somethin.” Said papyrus. Sans nodded in agreement. It didn’t take long for them to find the exit, which was being guarded by a large mammoth-like monster called the bemammoth. It yowled at the crew as it dashed at them, tusks first. Papyrus held out his hand, making it oddly halt to a stop right in front of them. “I got this.” Papyrus looked at the bemammoth who just glared back at him.
“Hey bud, we don’t mean any harm. We just needa let get through.” The bemammoth somehow understood this, but didn’t move. Instead, it let out a sigh of sort and gestured at a chain keeping it there. “Oh? Someone’s keeping you here? You poor creature. Here, let me get you free. Hold still…” Hephaestus broke the chain using brute force. The bemammoth stomped around happily, making the ground shake a bit under its stamps. OP!Papyrus pet its tusk to calm it down. “Say, do you have a name?” The bemammoth yowled at Papyrus, almost as if it was speaking. Oh wait, it kinda is.
“Jerry? Well hello Jerry, nice to meet you. Say, you wanna come with us!” The behemoth yowled in agreement. “Well, do you mind if we hop on for a ride?” The bemammoth nodded and stooped down. “You didn’t say you could speak to animals, Hephaestus.” OP!Papyrus scratched his head. “I said I was good with animals, didn’t I? And bemammoths are just big, fluffy sweethearts.” Harrus got on the back of the bemammoth, with Hephaestus shortly following. Once the two were on Jerry’s back, he stood back up, stretched a tiny bit, and began taking off through the snowy tundra. It was a really fun ride.
The crystalline, snowy landscape zoomed by, with the wildlife just looking back at them, either scared, intrigued or, waving with greeting. A few hours later, they came across another mountain range. This time though, there was no cave system that led through. They had to climb over this one. The highest mountain seemed to reach past the very ozone (even though it didn’t). “Shit….well this is gonna be something else. Hey author, use the funny scene change bar.” Ok. Have fun you guys.
||| Let’s skip this climb scene and see what the main gang is up to |||
Billy just blankly stared ahead at the road, mortified. Chacha looked back at her son, who was bandaged up. Papaya182 was cleaning up the scrapes all over King Funnyverse. “There there bud, you’ll be ok. My healing magic should return in a few moments.” River was sulking cause he “couldn’t protect his kids.” And Adam? He was coping by working out cause he’s too based to sulk. After lifting the weight of your mom for the 50th time, he stuffed the dumbbell back into his little pocket dimension. “Hey Billy, pull over. I need to do something.” Billy looked around for HAM before stopping. He parked on the side of the empty road in the Obligatory empty desert they were in.
“Alright crew, let’s get on out.” Errrr404 observed his surroundings before getting out. Everyone else followed. “What’s this about Adam?” A sort of invisible aura surrounded Adam. It was an aura of hope; an aura of chad energy. Ooooo, I think this is a pep talk. “This is about our most recent defeat.” The crew just stared at him emptily. “HAM seems to have a sort of power that we aren’t ready for when he’s sober. But are we really gonna start sulking now?” They all looked at him, a little confused.
“I think we forgot just how powerful we are. We were too scared. But why sulk over it? Legendary heroes don’t sulk over their losses, they improve off of them! They find what they did wrong and build off of it! This is what we call character development.” The gigachad them began to play quietly. “The forces of HAM are no match for us! We’re holding back is what it is! With our power combined, we can move entire omniverses! We’re legendary heroes for Christ’s sake, we’ll overcome this! All we have to do is put aside that fear and march into battle with our heads held high.” The crew’s spirits seemed to be rising from this. “We WILL get to the temple of Gad before HAM, we WILL prevail, and we WON’T let HAM stop us! We WILL restore our universe! We WILL be STRONGER! WE WILL WIN!!” This simple motivational speech was enough to get the entire crew back into shape. They were about to go back into their car when an armored military Jeep showed up.
The group stared as it stopped not too far from them. They parked, with the driver’s door opening first. A sans covered in dust and with a gray hood over his head got out the driver’s seat. Oh wait, that’s Dust Sans, fanondust to be specifics. Fanon Horror Sans crawled out of the passenger’s seat, brandishing his giant, bloody axe. And in the backseat, Fanon Killer Sans got out, spinning his knife around. Since he’s an idiot though, he accidentally cut his hand a bit and yelled in pain. “AHHH FUCK! I CUT MY HAND! OW OW OW!” Dust rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Way to go dumbass….” Dust diverted his attention to the gang. He looked both scared and annoyed to be there.
“I’m Dust, leader of the murder sanses. HAM ordered us to trying kill you lot. Considering we’re too weak to object, we’re here to do just that.” Dust just stared down the crew. Dababy Car Driver stepped in front of the crew and looked right back at Dust. He pulled his shotgun out of his coat and loaded it up. “Don’t worry kids, these guys are mine.” Dust grinned as phantom papyrus faded into existence behind him. “Oh what now sans? Another one of your stupidass battles?” Dust’s grin faded to an annoyed frown. “We get paid for this, bonehead.” Phantom papyrus growled and crossed his arms. “Why can’t we be accurate?! I’m canonically just a fuckin hallucination! Horror isn’t even e-“ dust cut off phantom papyrus with putting his hand on his mouth. “Shut up would you? We already have a ghostly papyrus who complains about the plot.”
Horror sans sprang up into the air, holding his axe above his head. He went for an aerial axe slam on River, but failed after River just moved to the side effortlessly. Horror face planted into the ground, his axe falling next to him. River just sighed and stomped horror’s skull into dust. “Did you three really show up expecting to defeat us? Did you forget how large of a power gap there is between us?” Dust and Killer began to sweat nervously while Phantom Papyrus facepalmed. “I told you dumbasses this was a bad idea!”
“WHEN?!” Phantom papyrus just shook his head. “In the jeep, dumbass! It was all I ever talked about!” Papaya182 just looked at phantom papyrus and smiled. “Damn, this guy has the right idea.” Dust scurried back to the truck and opened the back seat door. He was yelling for someone to come out. “Idc if you’re about to win splatfest! Horror just fucking died! Get your ass outta here!” Yet another skeleton came out the jeep. It was Fanon insanity. “FINE DUST!! DAMMIT!” Insanity grabbed his brother’s skull and slouched out of the jeep. Insanity and dust joined killer who was blowing on his cut hand.
Insanity chucked his skull at River, only for him to grab the skull and crush it. Insanity’s jaw dropped. “Wha- THAT WAS MY BROTHER’S SKULL! YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT!” Insanity charged at River. River just lazily fired his shotgun at insanity, blowing him to bits. “HOLY SHIT MAN, HE JUST BLEW INSANITY TO SHREDS!” Killer’s eyes turned red for some reason. He chucked a barrage of knives at River. River summoned a bone wall to block the barrage. Killer zinged behind River to slice him, but instead got a shotgun bullet to the skull and dusted. Dust back away after taking a glance at the three piles of dust. “Shit shit shit…..uh…..” Dust summoned a barrage of blasters to blast River. River summoned a blaster of his own to not only counter and blast through dust’s blasters, but to also disintegrate dust. When the beam of sheet energy subsided, dust was revealed to slowly be dusting. “Well that was easy…..”
Suddenly, a gaster came out of the trunk and sighed. He scooped up the four piles of dust left behind by the murder time squad, put them in a bowl, mixed them together, and revived them. The result was a four-armed sans with a red knife and insanity’s papyrus skull, which was brought back somehow. The skeleton one red eye and killer’s hate tears. It was the Saturnjinkies! “Haw haw haw! Gaze upon the edgiest murder sans ever known to the plo-“ a shotgun bullet hit the saturnjinkies in the stomach. For some reason, the damage manifested as a slash. Much to River’s annoyance, the Saturnjinkies wasn’t dead it just got angry. “I’M TRYNA SPEAK DAMMIT! So anyways, as I was saying, I am the ultimate murderer! None other can-“ another bullet to the stomach.
But the Saturnjinkies didn’t die. It just started melting. “JUST DIE ALREADY!” The Saturnjinkies just gurgled in pain as more and more shotgun bullets hit it. 4 more bullet sprays later, there was nothing but a big pile of dust. The gaster that made the Saturnjinkies just sighed, scooped up the dust, brought it into the armored jeep, and drove off. River smiled and turned to the crew. “Well….who wants Raising Cane’s?” Everyone did cause Raising Cane’s is awesome. Oh wait, what’s that separation line doing right there?
||| What’s awaiting atop the mountain for Harrus and Hephaestus? |||
After finally reaching the top, the bemammoth just laid there for a moment, tired. OP!Sans and OP!Papyrus got off Jerry and pat him for a bit. Their attention immediately diverted to a giant throne. Sitting in it was a large, yeti-like monster. It turned back and looked at Harrus and Hephaestus and snarled. “You dare intrude in my tundra?” Harrus summoned a thundery spear and held it tightly. “You think your little spear can stop me? Pathetic! I am the mountain king, lord of this tundra! You can’t stop-“ suddenly, a pillar of light came from the sky and smote the mount king. A glowing man came down through the pillar and glared back at Harrus and papyrus with angry eyes. “Ah shit, it’s Helios.”
“I’m very very very very very angry at you guys!!!!!1! You stabbed me Harrus, therefore I have a very strong hatred towards you! And I hate you too Hephaestus cause your legs are weird.” Hephaestus just sighed and summoned a hammer. “Yeah, I stabbed you cause you’re a self righteous asshole!” This insult made Helios even angrier, look how angry he is!!1! He threw a spear of light at Harrus. Harrus countered it with his own spear and jumped back. Jerry went to ram Helios, but wait…what’s Helios doin- OH MY GOD, HE JUST KILLED JERRY WITH A BEAM OF LIGHT! THAT BASTARD! Hephaestus ran over to the pile of ash where Jerry was.
“JERRY NO!!!” This is worse than anything HAM has even done. I’m utterly appalled by this. Therefore, Helios’s defeat shall be a slow, painful one. “You distract him Ares. I’m gonna make an even larger hammer…” Ares nodded and chucked his spear at Helios. Helios moved out the the way and tossed gleaming projectiles at Ares. Ares ran out of the way then jumped up. Helios summoned a pillar of light in front of Ares. Ares charged through the beam midair and delivered a thunder punch straight to Helios’s face. Helios fell to the ground, Ares shortly following. Both got up and engaged in a fist fight. Ares blocked a barrage of punches from Helios. Ares swept Helios’s legs and ground-pounded him. Helios tried to get up but was tackled by Ares. Ares continuously punched Helios in the face. Helios finally got up, tripped Ares, and stomped him in the stomach.
Ares turned back and saw that Hephaestus was finally done making his hammer. Ares shot up and decked Helios in the jaw, banging him up so bad that he fell to the ground. He gazed at Helios, who was too hurt to move. Hephaestus lifted the hammer into the air, putting all of his energy into the oncoming slams. “This is for killing Jerry!” Hephaestus brought the giant armor down on Helios, bludgeoning his entire body. “This one’s for calling me ugly!” He slammed the hammer down on Helios again. Helios screamed in pain. “And these are for shunning me!” Insert a spam of hammer slams. Hephaestus finally slammed the hammer on Helios so hard it shattered. Helios laid there, unable to move.
“Listen here Helios: I don’t know you self righteous dicks hate us so much, but I want you to go back to mount Olympus and show those fuckers what happens when they try messing with us.” Helios nodded slowly and teleported back on top of Mount Olympus. Hephaestus looked at the scorched piece of rock that Jerry died on. He sighed and looked down at the sea ahead of them. “Well….you ready to swim Ares?” Ares grabbed his magic satchel and cartoonishly pulled a boat out of it. “Who said anything about swimming?”
||| Let’s see how HAM reacts to the murderers’s destruction |||
Gaster brought the pile of dust to HAM who was just playing Pedro with Betty, Jerma, and Ink. “De fock iz dis gasta’?” Gaster replied with “the Murder time trio” in sign language. “Awe fock. Ey actchewlly loiked thoze goiz. Hmmm, ahma just revive ‘em lata’. We gawta sort out tha dust first. Hmmm….EY MOD!” Mod showed up a few seconds later, lookin miserable as ever. “Ey, needja ta sort this dust.” Mod’s jaw dropped. “W-what do you mean?” HAM facepalmed as if Mod was supposed to know what this meant. “Sort da dust accordin’ ta who it belongs to. Dust haz tha gray dust, Killa’ has the black dust, and insanity and horror hav’ tha red dust, but you can mix thoze two togetha.” Mod’s eyes widened. “B-b-but boss! That’s-“ HAM shook his hand dismissively. “Ah dun’t care bout what excuse yew hav’ dis time. Jus’ dew it.”
Mod took the dust sadly and waddled back to his room. Gaster decided to follow him there to help him out. “Well, a real shame those guys are gone HAM, they were kinda useful.” HAM frowned and set his cards down. “Ah knowe, roight! Man, ah wonduh how ahma bring ‘em back ink…” Ink began rattling off a buncha ideas that HAM ignored. “Yew gawt any oideaz Betty?” Betty thought a bit. “Maybe we can make killer have a white jacket and be stronger? And we can call him Killer.jpg.” Write that down, write that down! “That sounds good! Whaddabout Horra’ an’ Insan’ty?” Betty thought more. Everyone ignored ink who was till rattling off his ideas. “Hmmm….maybe we make them have a red jacket? And he can have a big crack on his face with a red eye in it! And we can call him Terror!” HAM also wrote that down.
“Thas’ purdy good! Whaddabout dust- ALRIGHT INK, WUTZ YER FOCKIN OIDEA?!” Ink showed the crew a drawing of fanon dustdust sans. “We can make it to where he’s level 20 instead of level 19, and he also has the power of hate-“ HAM shook his head. “Nah. Thats’ dumm lad. Yew gawt any ideaz jerma?” Jerma did have an idea. “Yeah. We can make his jacket yellow and his hood black. We can call him dust+.” Ink snarled. “That’s stup-“ HAM jumped up. “THASA GREAT OIDEA!” Jerma tilted his head. “Wait really?” HAM nodded in agreement. “Yup! Welp, tha chapta’s about ta end. Let’s all do an evil laugh ta end tha chapta!” HAM and Jerma did their cliche evil laugh. Ink joined in. Betty was kinda weirded out but also joined in. “Wait, another scene separator? Wtf-“
||| Nope, we’re ending the chapter with Hades this time |||
Hades!Chara just sat down on his throne, messing with some fire. “Yeesh. Nothin seems ta stop those guys. They befriended my bemammoth, they defeated the jersey jevil, and Ares sees through all my plans! Yeesh, I just wanna beat Zeus so I can do things better than that asshole!” A two headed egg dog just shushed him. “Hey, I’m tryna write the story here!” Hades groaned. “Can’t you at least give me your opinion on all this?” One of the heads just looked at hades with annoyance. “Do you want your dialogue?” Hades slouched back. “Fine fine, whatever. I’m gonna hire a new guy.”
Hades looked through the dark to find a new lackey to hire. “Hmmm…oh, how about Bobux Spamton?” Hades turned to one of his guards. They just nodded in agreement so he could shut the fuck up. “Alrighty then! Bobux Spamton it is! He he he! I have my new plan in place for the chapter after next cause next chapter’s gonna be a sea episode! Well, I hope HAM won’t be upset that I’m ending this chapter with an evil laugh! HEHEHE! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!” Chapter done, boom!
Category:Season 1
Category:Canon
Category:Written by Cliche
Category:Story
Category:Episodes