Click/Transcript

What was going on there, huh?
We thought
you were sleeping, Daddy.
How can I sleep with two
Twinkie burglars roaming around?
Can we watch
Dragon Tales, please?
Yeah. Why not, why not?
Which one of these
turns on the TV?
Honey, I think you
just opened the garage.
I'm just planning ahead. I know.
- P-yew! Was that a stinky-dink bug?
- Good job.
Whatever happened
to the good old days...
...when you pulled the knob
and on came the boob tube?
The O'Doyles got
a universal remote control.
One clicker controls everything.
Makes life a lot easier
for old people like you.
Well, whoop-de-do
for the O'Doyles.
- Tree house?
I don't know. Ask your father.
Ask me what?
Do you think you'll have time
to finish building the tree house ever?
Yeah, Dad. It's kind of been
halfway done for two months now.
All right. I want to, it's just I got a lot
of things going on at work right now.
But as soon as I'm done, I'm on it.
I promise. Hang in there.
Hey, look at Sundance
wrestle his duck.
Oh, no, that's not wrestling.
That's something you shouldn't
know about for another 10 to 30 years.
Ten for you. Thirty for you.
Hey, Michael? I'll see you tonight
at the swim meet?
Swim meet.
- I gotta go to that?
- Yes.
- I'm kidding you. I'll be there. Okay?
- All right. I love you, Michael.
Forever and ever, babe.
Mr. Newman.
Kevin O'Doyle.
Yeah. Always a pleasure.
What kind of stereo you got
in that blue piece of shit?
You know what?
I never checked, Kevin.
Yeah, well, my father's stereo
is a Bose.
Your father's stereo blows?
That's too bad.
No! I said... That's not what I said!
His father's stereo blows!
Come on! Pay the man, let's go!
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Hello.
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Hi.
Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Good morning, Mr. Newman.
- Man, Alice...
...I was stuck in traffic for an hour
and a half. When's the meeting?
- It started already.
- What?
Can I go to the bathroom?
Go to the bathroom.
I told you, you don't have to ask me.
Well, the interesting thing,
Prince Habeeboo...
...is that the building codes
in Manhattan will allow us...
- Michael.
- Sorry I'm late, sir.
Some moron in a red Lamborghini
parked in my spot so...
Prince Habeeboo
drive red Lamborghini.
Red Lamborghini?
I meant blue Ferrari.
Is this one of your partners?
Actually, Michael
is just an associate.
But he is one of our brightest
young architects.
Thank you.
Walk His Majesty
through our design concept.
With pleasure.
- Prince Haboobee...
- Habeeboo!
Prince Habeeboo.
Habeeboo. I thought I said that.
When Mr. Ammer explained to me
the type of man you are...
...a visionary who prides himself
on originality...
...I said to myself, " Let's smash
the mould and redefine elegance."
So I present to you your restaurant.
Where is...? Where's bar?
Bar is... Here's the bar.
Now, the waterfall...
Make bar longer.
Okay. We could cut
into the atrium a little bit.
No atrium. Just make bar longer
for Prince Habeeboo.
Really?
- Still itchy?
- You got it.
And put big drain in floor
for wet T-shirt contest.
Now, you're kidding me, right?
Boob water's gotta
go someplace, Michael.
Let's just take out the atrium and
run with that and there's your drain.
- God.
- I love it. It is simply awesome.
Yeah. Basically you want me to design
you an Arabian hoochie house?
How dare you compare
Prince Habeeboo's Bikini Hut...
...to this hoochie house?
- This idea's...
...got nothing to do
with hoochies, Michael.
It's like opposite of hoochie.
No disrespect,
Prince Hubbida Hubbida.
- Hubba Bubba.
- Habeeboo!
Habeeboo!
Hubba Bubba is chewing gum.
Prince Habeeboo's
not chewing gum.
Prince Habeeboo, we will...
I will make this happen.
John Ammer's office.
I hope that atrium idea didn't take
too long to configure, Michael.
Oh, there'll be other Junes
in my life, sir.
See that parking garage
over there on 56?
Watsuhita wants to knock it down
and build a luxury hotel.
- You got the commission?
- Not yet.
I just need someone to come up
with a design proposal. Intrigued?
Hell, yes.
I'm Fourth of July-ing with the kids.
When I get back, I'm all over it.
Great. Have a great Fourth of July
with the kids. I'll put Swardson on it.
No, no. Absolutely not.
L... l... Can't it just wait three days?
These guys are Japanese.
They can't wait for their fish to cook.
I guess I could talk to my wife.
Great. See you later at happy hour
with Prince Habadabee.
My son has a swim meet tonight
that I have to get to s...
I'm just messing with you.
We're good.
Yeah, Ben!
That's my boy! That's my boy!
Kid, you were great!
You're not my dad.
- As far as you know.
- What?
I was just joking.
Is he really my dad?
Come on, come on! Yes, Ben.
Yes, you did it!
Honey, you were so great.
Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin
or something? That was incredible.
You just got here, Dad. I saw you.
What do you mean I just got here?
Why are you saying that?
I saw you. You jumped in there,
you swam here.
- Then what stroke was he doing, Dad?
- He was doing the shut-up.
Hey. Good thing is,
Daddy was here to see you finish.
He didn't see me finish.
He was hanging out
with Ping Woo for some reason.
- Yeah, what was that about, huh?
- The kid was drowning.
I'm gonna let him drown?
Nobody goes drowning in my pool.
How you doing? Bill Herlihy.
Ben's coach. You must be Dad.
Michael Speedo...
Michael Newman. Sorry.
Big Ben, that was great progress
out there, huh?
Just remember, right arm out,
head turns left. Left arm out...
Head turns right. I know.
I just forgot at the end.
Well, that's all right.
You master that, people are gonna
think you're half a dolphin out there.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Cute.
Hello? Mr. Ammer.
Ben, honey, slow down.
It's not a race.
That's his second one
in five minutes.
Keeps eating more and more.
He's like a machine.
He can't still be hungry.
He's not. He's just doing whatever
Michael's doing. It's driving me crazy.
Everything Michael's been doing lately
is very unhealthy for him.
He's gonna kill himself.
Like a signature building
we're talking about.
Oh, my God.
Scared the crap out of me.
Dad, how much longer
are you gonna live?
- One minute.
- One minute?
- Daddy's gonna die in one minute!
- Oh, no, honey.
Don't worry. I'm not dying.
I'm gonna live for 200 years.
Is that long enough for you and me?
- Promise?
- I promise. Swear. Come here.
You son of a bitch!
Hey! There are families here!
Show some respect,
you pieces of shit!
Go home and watch VH1, old man.
Don't light another damn one!
Benjamin. Benjamin.
What am I holding?
A quarter. Now, Grandma
does not let me eat ice cream...
...because of my diabetes.
- True.
But she says nothing, however,
about a tasty quarter.
Okay.
All right. All right.
Very quickly, please, count to three
because it tastes terrible.
One, two, three.
Are you shitting me?
First he's eating like his father,
now you're talking like him?
- Ben.
- Don't you ever say that again.
- Sorry, Grandma.
- How do you do that, Grandpa?
A good magician
never reveals his secrets.
Your daddy has wanted to know
how I've done that trick...
...since he was your age.
Isn't that true, son?
Hey, Michael.
Michael, who are you talking to?
Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma.
Take it easy.
Oh, yeah?
Well, tell him to get a life.
You got family here.
You're busy. Come on.
My mother says hello.
Oh, he's such a big boy, isn't he?
On his big cell phone. Big boy.
That's it. Get some sleep. Thank you,
Mr. Ammer. All right. Good night.
- Are you done? Can we relax now?
- Sorry.
Eat me, grandpa!
*Michael Newman: [just getting off the phone with Ammer, then whispers] That's it! You're dead!
*Firecracker Teen #1: [teens run away] Oh, shit.
*Michael Newman: [jumps right over the fence chasing after them] That's right! You better run! I kicked your father's ass in high school! So, now I'm gonna kick yours!
*Ping Woo: [crying] I hate that man.
Okay, good night, you two cowboys.
- Reach for the sky, Pocahontas.
- No, back to bed.
Come on. Pocahontas is off duty.
I'm out of here.
You getting sick, sheriff?
I don't got time to be sick, so no.
I need to watch this documentary
on Asian architecture.
Well, you gotta get some rest
sometime, sweetheart.
Besides, the woodland creatures
will laugh at you...
...if you collapse trying
to put up the tent this weekend.
Yeah. I forgot to tell you.
We gotta postpone
the camping trip.
Ammer put me on a project.
It's due Tuesday. If I don't finish,
I'm off it, so...
The kids have been talking
about camping all year.
Think I don't know that?
It's just every choice I make,
everything I do...
...I disappoint somebody.
Make sure you don't keep
disappointing the wrong people.
I'm not out drinking or gambling
or hitting on chicks.
I'm working my ass off
so my family can have a better life...
...than I dreamed of
when I was a kid.
The only way for that to happen
is for me to watch this stinking show!
So relax, hon.
Are you kidding me?
Will you give me a break one time?
Damn it! The O'Doyles got
a stinking universal remote control.
We're gonna have one too.
I'm sick of this.
You want me to open
the garage for you?
Closed.
Closed.
Open.
Bed Bath & Beyond it is.
Hey, man?
You guys got any universal
remote controls in there?
- For a shower curtain or a bathmat?
- For a television.
I don't think so.
Maybe for a blanket?
You got a remote for a blanket?
Sorry, I don't work here.
I'm waiting for my friends.
You're kidding me.
Actually, yes. I don't have any friends.
Will you be my friend?
Wow, man.
Bed. Bed.
Bath. Bath.
Bed.
So tired of my life.
Beyond?
Sorry to sneak up on you. I just...
You guys got a universal
remote control back here?
Something stinks
like stale french fries.
All right, that's probably me.
You know, fast food
shortens your life.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
But the way my life's been going
lately, that ain't such a bad thing.
You're looking
for a universal remote control?
Yeah. Just one device
to do it all for me...
...make my life a little easier,
quicker, not so damn complicated.
I'm not supposed to do this,
but you seem like a good guy.
Hey. Somebody noticed. Thank you.
I'm gonna show you a remote
we just got in...
...that's probably the most advanced
piece of technology...
...we have in this place.
- Sounds sweet.
- It is sweet.
The latest, greatest universal remote
not even on the market yet.
I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite
my advanced-technological ass then.
I don't know the O'Doyles...
...but they can bite it hard.
Yeah.
Come in the back with me.
Okay.
This is... This is very nice of you.
- What's your name, anyways?
- Call me Morty.
Morty, I'm Michael Newman.
Michael Newman.
I'm about to rock your world.
Okay.
I gotta be honest with you. This place
looks bigger from the outside.
Just kidding.
Hey, hey.
I think maybe there in the middle?
Sneaky.
Where's the box?
Does it come with directions?
Not necessary.
Just point, click.
Eventually, it will program itself.
How much is this thing?
Because I ain't exactly
Thurston Howell, you know?
Lucky for you, it's not
in the bar-code system yet.
So I'm gonna have
to just give it to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the catch here, man?
Want me to take my shirt off for you?
Because I don't play for that team.
Hey. Man, get out of here.
Why are you doing this, then?
Because good guys need a break
every once in a while.
Take it.
Enjoy.
All right.
Only one thing
you need to know, Michael.
This item is nonreturnable.
Why would I wanna return something
I got for free?
Twinkie. You don't need it.
You don't need it, man.
You do need a Yodel, though.
Okay. Good job.
Let's see what you got, mate.
Look at me, turning my own TV on.
I'm a freaking whiz kid.
- Residential architecture...
- So I talked to the kids.
- Oh, yeah?
They're very understanding about
not going camping this weekend.
- Great.
- They could have a sleepover instead.
That's a great idea.
Thank you, thank you.
Thanks for being
so cool about this too.
- Can I ask you something?
- Yes.
After you do all this work and become
a big player at your company...
...do you think you're gonna
have more time for us...
...or are things just gonna get
even more out of control?
Wait. When I get to that place
and become a boss...
...a millionaire, a big shot,
the first thing I'm gonna do...
...is hire a bunch of idiots just like me
to do all my work.
So then you, me and the kids
can do whatever the hell we want.
You just gotta give me some time.
Don't give me that look.
I'm just saying, give me some support.
All right?
I love you. Go to sleep.
- Just think about it, Michael.
- Absolutely.
And stop with the Yodels.
- You're gonna wake up 400 pounds.
- Okay.
Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down, dude.
Everybody's sleeping.
You gotta poop again?
Why don't you do the humpy-pumpy
on the duck, okay?
Will you just hold it in for five minutes
and keep the freaking volume down?
I guess when you combine...
...mass quantities of cough syrup
with Yodels...
...you get acid.
Go.
Hey, you said you gotta go.
Go already, man.
Sniffy Longdroppings, today.
Holy motherfu...!
Yeah, I mean, you're right.
In the short run...
...plastic surgery is a hassle.
But six months later...
...l'm gonna have a face
and a body...
...that's gonna get me to places
where I wanna be.
Oh, my mother, typical,
you know, she says:
"Oh, this procedure is too risky."
If Samantha wanted her cheekbones
shaved down, I think I'd freak out too.
I know, but I just think, you know,
they're too Slavic.
You should get some work done.
Then maybe Michael
will wanna hang out with you too.
Morning, Michael.
You're looking very crappy today.
Morning, Janine,
you're looking very Slavic.
You're just jealous because Donna
and I are going to the gym...
...and all the guys
are gonna be hitting on us.
Michael knows
he's my one and only.
Forever and ever, babe.
Sorry about last night.
And I love you. I'm s...
Oh, my God. I want that so bad.
A husband that I can kiss and love
and give juice to.
You've already cheated on three
different husbands with their brothers.
I think you've given enough juice
to everybody.
Love juice.
You know way too much about me.
I should never have done
that Montel Williams show.
Even Montel Williams
thinks you're crazy...
...and he's seen a lot of shit.
I was desperate for companionship!
All of my husbands...
All of them
have emotionally abandoned me.
They went to work. You had sex
with their unemployed brothers.
- You're a horndog.
- Michael.
- Okay, sweetie. Calm it down.
- No, no!
I have had self-esteem issues
since I was a kid.
I had a rabbit named Pepper.
And that rabbit abandoned me too!
Even the rabbit did! Even the rabb...
Don't look at me!
- What's wrong with me?
- Bunny rabbit, bunny...
Here's the pitch to Matsui.
A deep drive.
Oh, my, it's out of here!
A two-run shot into the right-field
seats for Hideki Matsui.
I'm sorry. What was that?
She has so many problems.
Why do you have to be so mean?
I don't know, l... Hello.
I gotta go.
Yeah, good RoboDog.
And he can bark
in over six different languages.
It's so cool.
Yeah, it's much cooler
than your stupid, human dog.
:Ben: Hey, Dad! Look at Kevin's new Robo-Dog!
:Michael: [not listening] That's nice.
:Kevin: "Nice"? This thing's worth more than your car!
:Michael: [runs over Robo-Dog] Not anymore it ain't!
- RoboDog!
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay. Is this some sort
of reality show? Are you the host?
Morty? Where are the cameras?
Got everybody in on it, huh?
Sundance did very well also.
All right, America! Have your laugh!
I'm an idiot!
Donna, I'm gonna get you!
Fast-forward.
Nobody's laughing at you, Michael.
You wanted a universal remote control
that remote-controls your universe.
Yeah, but what controls
my dance skills?
Oh, Morty likes it too.
Michael, just hit menu.
On the remote?
No, the menu at the Red Lobster.
Yes, on the remote.
Where are we?
- Go, Michael, go!
- One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.
- What have I got here?
- Two, three.
Cough syrup's kicking in again.
- We have a boy!
- Is it gonna work?
What is this?
- All right, I love you, Michael.
- Your life menu.
My life has a commentary?
It's chock-full of goodies.
- Click it.
- Click it.
This is last Tuesday.
Michael was eagerly awaiting
the arrival of his lunch order.
Who's that, James Earl Jones?
James Earl
does a lot of voice-over work.
But his anticipation
quickly turned to dismay...
... as he realized Alice
had brought him a cheeseburger...
... instead of a hamburger
as he requested.
A cheeseburger?
I said a hamburger.
She always does this to me.
Michael considered demanding
that Alice scrape the cheese off...
... but decided not to,
fearing that Alice may spit in...
... or otherwise defile
the burger in some manner.
A wise decision...
... for that was exactly
what Alice was planning to do.
- Are you kidding me?
- Sneaky.
My God.
What else we got here?
- "Making of"?
- Just click.
Hey, hey, psychedelic.
Where are we?
Is this a porno or something?
Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy!
Is that my parents?
They're making you.
Like bunny rabbits.
- That's the spot.
- Smack my heinie!
Change the channel!
How do you do this?
I can't see.
What happened? What...?
The floor is so mushy and slippery.
Feels good on my feet.
Check it out.
You hit the fast-forward button.
I believe we're sometime
after your conception.
Okay, very good, Mrs. Newman.
No! We're in my mother's vagina?
Again. And push.
- It's a girl.
- It's a girl!
- Oh, it's a girl. Thank you so much.
- Thank you for that.
Wait a minute.
I'm sorry, it might be a boy.
What do you mean, "might be"?
What is that?
Maybe that's a penis.
Maybe that's a pe...? That's a penis.
That's my penis.
Can I see that?
Can you bring that a little closer?
See?
- That's a tiny schmeckel.
- Yeah?
- We have a boy!
- We have a boy!
Your mother must have
some superpower eyesight...
...because I didn't see anything.
Let's get out of here.
So if you think about it...
...I can reexperience
any part of my life I want to.
It's amazing.
What happened?
Oh, God, what did I do?
Hello? How do I get you
back here, pal?
Gotcha.
I'm not freaked out enough?
It's simple. Think of a time
and a place...
...hit rewind, and you're there.
Time and a place. Time and a place.
Oh, my God. Lake Winnipesaukee.
That's me in the Jets shirt.
Go, little me, go!
Good hands! Nice hands.
Michael!
Michael, dinner's almost ready.
Invite your friends if you want to.
So any of you wanna come
by my tent for some supper?
Or we could eat at my Winnebago
and watch Three's Company.
Three's Company.
That's humiliating.
Mom, why can't we camp in an RV
like every other family?
Oh, come on.
You call that camping?
How can you get close to nature
in a tin can like that?
Plus, it's more fun to have
to keep each other warm at night.
Don't you know it.
- No cupcakes yet.
- But I'm starving.
I agree with you, Michael.
You know how hungry I am?
I am so hungry, I could eat this.
Oh, this is where
the quarter trick started.
How the heck did he do that?
Oh, it's a trick coin
you buy at a magic shop.
I just couldn't let him know
I knew that.
That's sweet.
Now, I gotta get back to work,
so hit play.
It's a very powerful device.
Use it with caution.
Okay.
Who are you?
You know who I am.
Morty?
If you have any questions...
...call me.
No, Linda, I think Stacy gets
the most-beautiful-feet award.
You wanted to see me?
Michael. Look, I'm heading out to
the Hamptons in a couple of minutes.
I'm counting on you.
This hotel project? It's a big fish.
You reel it in for me
and it's "Howdy, partner."
Okay. Thank you.
Screw it up, though, and it's
"Back to the mailroom, atrium boy."
Mr. Ammer, Denise just called.
She's gotta go to rehab again,
so she can't mak e it to the Hamptons.
I'm gonna be alone
on the Fourth of July?
Mr. Ammer, if you need female
companionship this weekend...
...my wife's friend Janine, wow.
Really? What's she like?
Let's just say
she will eat you up, sir.
Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt...
...but this is kind of important.
- Okay.
- Go to the bathroom.
- Okay.
Dude! You suck so bad.
Do not. Hey, Dad.
How you doing, buddy?
Playing some catch?
Actually, we're playing some drop,
because Ben hasn't caught one yet.
Darn it.
You're a regular Derek Jeter
yourself, O'Doyle.
- Love you, kid.
- Love you too, Dad.
Mommy!
No, I know. Well, I thought
she should've gotten voted off.
But did you see her Kate Spade
handbag? It was gorgeous.
Wait, hold on a second, Trudy.
I gotta say hi to your son.
- I told your parents to come for dinner.
- Really? That sounds good.
It'd be fun for them to be here
for the sleepover.
Okay, so great. Yeah.
We'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye-bye.
It's not gonna kill you to eat dinner
with your family, sweetie.
I know, I just gotta build
an entire model tonight.
- I'm the leader!
- No, I'm the leader!
Go say hi to Daddy. Go on.
I can't take a whole night of this.
- And I'm not going to.
- Q, R, S, T, U...
Cool.
I can skip chapters.
What a family.
All right, let's get dinner
over with. Next.
Next.
Everyone's done but you, buddy.
Let's go.
Will you stop already?
Oh, boy, Dad's quarter trick.
I can't wait not to see it.
Alone in my basement at last.
Should I do my work
and become partner now? I think so.
Let's get to it.
- Michael?
- Yo.
We don't wanna interrupt.
We're taking off.
Thanks for a great night.
You had a fun time
hanging out with me?
That was... We did good, right?
- Good night, honey.
- Love you.
My schmeckel got bigger now that
I'm older, just so you guys know that.
It couldn't have gotten any smaller.
Yeah, yeah.
It looked like a little Tic Tac.
Yeah, come here,
I'll freshen your breath.
- Bye, you guys.
- Bye, sweetie.
Good night, sweetie.
Great dinner, honey.
See? Was that so bad?
Kidding me? I had fun.
Good for you. Can you watch the gang
for 10 minutes while I clean up?
Can't you? I just...
I got so much stuff to do here.
Oh, you got stuff to do?
I got ghost stories, charades,
the dishes...
...and then I gotta sew the duck's head
back on for Sundance...
...and fix his butthole.
Way to go, champ.
I wish I had time to do all that stuff.
Give me a break, Michael.
You're a big boy.
You set your own priorities.
I'm asking for 10 minutes,
not for, like, a whole day.
You don't have to do that much.
How big a deal is that?
I am so tired of having this argument.
I skipped the whole fight.
Babe?
- I can't sleep.
- You can't?
I feel bad that we keep arguing.
I know. Don't be upset, okay?
- I was a jerk.
- You are a jerk.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- Yes. That smells good.
- What?
Michael. Stop it.
The sleepover will catch us.
They ain't gonna hear us. Come on.
Okay. Quietly try
and coax me into it.
I gotta get back to work.
Can't we just do it?
No, we can't just do it.
Honey, come on.
I mean, I don't have any new moves
for you. It's the same stuff.
Just think of last time and use that.
I like the old moves. Come on.
All right.
This time you be Sundance,
I'll be the duck.
- Yeah?
- But you gotta massage me first.
Great, I love giving massages.
Massaging away here.
Oh, that feels good.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- We did it?
- Well, you did.
I didn't want the whole thing
to go that fast.
I don't think anybody did.
Yeah. I'll get you next time.
Thanks.
So we good for tomorrow?
What are you talking about?
At dinner.
You said we'd go to lunch tomorrow
and pick out your dad's birthday gift.
Dad's gift is...
- Of course. I said so, so I'll be there.
- Okay.
- Need another massage or anything?
- Oh, go away.
I gotta go work.
Hey, Morty. It's Michael Newman.
Yeah, can I talk to you for a minute?
Hang on for a second,
someone's at my door.
- Hello, Michael.
- Where'd you come from?
You don't wanna know.
- Can we take a walk?
- Sure.
It's simple. You must
have been on autopilot.
Autopilot?
That's what happens to you
when you fast-forward.
- Okay.
- Yeah. I'll show you.
Here.
See? That's you on autopilot.
The lights are on
but nobody's home.
The remote lets your mind
skip around...
...but your body actually stays put
for the boring stuff.
We should go to lunch tomorrow
and pick out your dad's birthday gift.
Sounds good.
So she did tell me.
I'm having conversations
on autopilot, then.
You're not gonna be
the life of the party, but yes.
Everyone goes on autopilot
now and then.
The big difference
is now you've got a nifty remote...
...to help you decide when.
This thing is the best.
By the way, your wife?
Absolutely gorgeous.
- She is, isn't she?
- Perfect face. Tight, rocking body.
You okay?
- Amazing.
- What is?
She fell for a schlub like you.
I'm a schlub?
I don't know about that, pal.
I see a good-looking man right there.
You wanna see what a stud
I used to be? Yeah?
All right, let's take a look
at some of the girls...
...I used to fool around with
before I met Donna.
Is that a man or a woman?
It's a woman.
What is this, Animal Planet?
- Stop.
- Yes.
Sometimes it's better to keep
certain memories just in your head.
So I've learned, Morty.
Good night. Thank you.
Good night, Michael.
I'm getting sick, man.
Fast-forward me till I'm better.
Michael, honey, wake up.
You'll be late for work.
What? It's Monday already?
Are you kidding me?
No more phlegm?
I skipped an entire cold?
Thanks to you, baby! I love you!
No more Tylenol!
I don't remember doing
any work this weekend.
But apparently I did.
- Bad news. There's no hot water.
- What? I gotta take a shower.
Well, you're gonna freeze
your bun-buns off.
It's all good.
Yes! Look at me.
All showered and dressed
and looking sexy.
I like that. L...
Did you smoke crack, Daddy?
Just watch your toons and have
a great day with Mommy today, okay?
Eating cupcakes like your old man.
Right here, baby.
- Dad?
- Yes, sir?
Are you gonna have to work late
again tonight?
- Unfortunately, yes.
- Is there anything we can do to help?
Well, I'm gonna be partner soon, and
I'm gonna need new building designs.
So if you guys have any cool ideas,
draw them up for me.
- Okay.
- Rock 'n' roll.
- I get the paper.
- I got the crayons.
Would you stop talking
and fix the sewer?
You're on it now, yeah. Yeah.
Traffic, traffic, no more traffic.
Wait a sec!
Here we go! Mama!
Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about, baby!
You look a little pale there, pal.
Let me fix that.
Oh, look at you now.
You're all yellow from the scurvy.
Captain.
Don't get the Hulk angry.
You won't like him when he's angry.
Oh, there's Barney.
I love you, you love me
That jogger had giant boobies
Okay. Let's get you that tan
you been searching for.
That's it. That's it.
Check out Julio Iglesias... Pretty.
- Looking good, Mr. Newman.
- Really? Thank you very much, Judy.
- Finish?
- Did I finish? I believe I finished.
- Let's see here. Look at that.
- Very impressive, Michael.
Yeah, the river in the lobby.
This is actually pretty good, man.
Where did you find the time
to get a tan?
- I guess I can do it all, sir.
- You can do it all.
All right, all right, everybody.
It's sexual-harassment-speech day.
Now, anyone can be a victim
of sexual harassment:
Blue collar, white collar,
a woman, a man.
Even the office slut.
Not that I'm mentioning any names...
...Stacy.
Here we go. Sexual harassment
can come in many forms.
You see, what is hilarious to some,
could be offensive to others.
Let me try to give you a real-life
example because I'm sure I've done it.
Like the day I said, "You want
a promotion, break out the lotion."
I was technically engaged
in sexual harassment.
Hilarious sexual harassment,
if you ask me.
Now, there is also
homosexual harassment.
Now, this is like when
one dude comes up to another...
...and says something cheeky.
- This will be good.
Proceed.
I don't know about you Americans...
...but to me there is no doubt...
...lchiro is the greatest of all time.
Yeah, he's incredible.
You gotta admit,
you can always count on Matsui.
Oh, Matsui.
Well, if you guys love Ichiro and
Matsui so much, let's order them both.
I'll eat anything.
- Excuse us for a moment.
- Absolutely, Mr. Watsuhita.
See you guys in a bit.
Ichiro and Matsui are baseball players.
You just insulted their national heroes.
I'm going to the bathroom
to slit my wrists.
I'll be here.
These morons are so boring.
They make me wanna
chop my own dick off.
That hotel design?
I'd like to rip it up.
Egghead watched a bad documentary
on Asian architecture.
Who needs a stupid river
in the lobby?
Let's build more rooms
and maximize profits.
Eat as fast as you can.
Then we can get out of here...
...and do Jell-O shots at America's
greatest cultural achievement:
T.G.I. Friday's.
T.G.I. Friday's!
- All right, Michael, save us.
- I'm all over it, baby.
Before we order, I was looking
at our proposal. You know what?
After getting to know you a little bit,
I realize this is not what you're about.
In fact, let's just throw it out, all right?
Start from scratch.
The river in the lobby idea,
what an egghead move.
Let's just keep the plans simple, forget
all the niceties, maximize our revenue.
That's what it's all about anyways,
the profits.
But do me a favour. Just give us
your account and your trust.
That way we can get the hell out
of this dump, go to T.G.I. Friday's...
...do some Jell-O shots
till this guy pukes up a lung.
Fuck, yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yes, yes!
The king is home! Hello, hello!
How can you goons sleep
when you know I got you presents?
- You did?
- What is it?
What is it? Well, if you bring
your tushies downstairs, we'll find out.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Honey, get your sweet little buns
downstairs too. Come on, come on!
Come and get them.
- Awesome! No way!
- Yeah, yeah.
- It must have cost a million dollars!
- That's chump change now.
You guys deserve the best...
...and that's what you're gonna get
from now on, okay?
What's all this?
Look who's here.
You guys wanna ride these bikes?
- Yeah!
- Let's take them outside!
Wake the O'Doyles,
let them see what you got.
These are the coolest bikes
in the whole town.
Kevin O'Doyle's gonna shit himself.
- Don't think I forgot my beautiful wife.
- Oh, my gosh.
It's not a bike or a cowboy hat,
but you're gonna like this, I hope.
- Oh, Michael, it's beautiful.
- I heard you talking to my mother.
- I love it!
- You look good, baby.
I got myself a celebratory cigar too.
Why not?
What are we celebrating?
"What are we celebrating?"
We're healthy, we got a great family...
...l'm Ammer's newest partner...
Oh, my God, you're kidding!
Honey, congratulations!
I knew it! I knew you'd be psyched!
I love it! I love you!
I single-handedly landed
the Watsuhita account.
That's incredible.
I knew it was gonna be a great day.
- I heard our song on the radio.
- We have a song?
Honey. The song that was playing
during our first kiss.
Come on. You're kidding me, right?
I know our song. Our song. Of course
I know our song. Our song is...
What the hell was that song?
I remember this place.
And... Oh, my God.
Wolverine's goofy cousin.
But look at you. Wow.
You are out of his league, aren't you?
Oh, yeah, the notes.
Smooth, buddy.
Oh, look at her.
What's gonna happen?
You got an answer to that?
Okay. Seal the deal, pal.
All she's thinking about is,
"I am not kissing that beard.
Absolutely not,
that's gonna hurt me."
Wait a minute.
Yeah, Newman. Get it.
*Michael Newman: [in a flashback of his and Donna's first kiss, just as it occurs] Yeah!
*Janine: [offscreen] Donna!
*[appears onscreen dressed as a punk, sees them kissing]
*Janine: Donna - Oh, my God! I'm so horny now.
*Michael Newman: Oh, God. Get me out of here.
"Linger" by The Cranberries
was playing during our first juicy kiss.
And, my God, you looked beautiful
in that pink sweater you were wearing.
Honey, you remember
what I was wearing?
Of course. I remember
what Janine was wearing.
She scared the shit out of me then.
I love you.
I love you too, honey.
Hi, Mr. Newman.
Right this way, Michael.
Hey, my new star. Congratulations.
Sit down, big guy.
All right.
I am a little tired.
The family was up late
last night celebrating.
You really knocked one out of the park
last night, didn't you?
Hey, you were great too.
All you gotta do is draw up
the construction plans.
If Watsuhita commits
to the bulk of the funds...
...l'm looking at my new partner.
*Michael Newman: I thought I was already your partner.
*Ammer: Whoa, cowboy. I said "Land the Watsuhita account, you'll get promoted." I didn't mean right this second.
*Michael Newman: But I already told my wife, sir. I spent money I don't have. To do these documents is gonna take me months.
*Ammer: Then you better get started.
*[Michael freezes Ammer with the remote, smacks him in the face three times, unfreezes him]
*Ammer: Wow, I just got a big headache! Wha - ? Was I hit by a train or something?
*Michael Newman: I didn't see anything.
*Ammer: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I hung out with your friend Janine this weekend.
*[freezes Ammer again]
*Michael Newman: I hope she's doing your brother right now, you big-headed buffoon
*[Michael stands on Ammer's desk and begins farting in his face]
*Michael Newman: No, no, no, no. You got more.
*[continues farting in Ammer's face]
*Michael Newman: Yeah.
*[stops and unfreezes Ammer]
*Ammer: Anyway, the sooner you ge - Get back to - Uh, work, they sooner you'll be partnerized. I taste shit.
*Michael Newman: You do?
*Ammer: Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch? Argh!
*Michael Newman: [leaves Ammer's office] I'm gonna get going, sir.
*Ammer: Ugh. STACY!
Have you considered
the consequences...
...of the thing
you're thinking about doing?
Yeah. What are you saying,
I shouldn't do it?
It's your life. What you do with
the remote is your decision, Michael.
I know, so, I mean,
we're talking a couple of months here.
I fast-forward through it,
what am I gonna miss?
Thirty arguments and a haircut?
Remember the leprechaun?
The one from the cereal ad.
"They're magically delicious."
That guy?
He's always chasing the pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow.
But when he gets there
at the end of the day...
...it's just corn flakes.
- Michael.
- Yes.
- You don't understand the metaphor?
- I won't do it, all right.
- Dad?
- Yeah.
- We have some designs for you.
- It's not a good time, man.
Maybe they'll help you
finish quicker.
All right. You want me to look at it?
Let me see.
The ceiling's too high,
the hallway's too narrow...
...stairway placement
makes no sense at all.
- What the hell's this room made of?
- Pizza.
Well, it's stupid. Next.
What is yours made of?
- Pickles.
- Oh, don't be a baby.
Michael, have you lost your mind?
He's 7 years old.
If he wants a playroom made of pizza,
then why not?
Maybe he's gotta grow up sometime
and get the hell off Fantasy Island.
Hey, pizza boy.
Life ain't about being creative.
It's about kissing ass, playing it safe,
making your boss a lot of money...
...in hopes one day he might throw you
a stinking bone. All right?
Yes, sir.
Ammer didn't make you partner,
did he?
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
But we'll get through this, okay?
I promise.
Jeez! Man, that's all we ever do
is get through it.
When is it gonna end?
*[Michael Newman smoking cigar sees his O'Doyle RV, Kevin O'Doyle walking with skateboard to him]
*Kevin O'Doyle: Pretty sweet, eh? Two queen beds, full kitchen, steam shower and satellite TV with surround sound.
*Michael Newman: Why are you always trying to hurt me? One day, I'm gonna hurt you back.
*Kathy O'Doyle: Michael Newman, I didn't know you smoked cigars.
*Michael Newman: And now's the time. [to Kathy] No, Kathy. This isn't mine. I took it out of Kevin's hands. Yeah, he was smoking like a chimney.
*Kevin O'Doyle: No, I wasn't!
*Michael Newman: I think, I smell marijuana in it.
*Kathy O'Doyle: Kevin O'Doyle, you get your ass in this house! RIGHT NOW!
*Kevin O'Doyle: I hate you!
*Kathy O'Doyle: Are you deaf? MOVE IT!
*[Kevin runs off to his mother]
*Kevin O'Doyle: Mom, I swear!
*Kathy O'Doyle: I don't wanna have to ask you again!
*Michael Newman: Dope is for dopes, buddy!
*Kathy O'Doyle: [grabs his hair] Get your ass in this house!
*[They got inside the house]
We don't have
any other choice, guys.
- No fair! I don't wanna return my bike!
- We have to, honey.
- But Daddy gave them to us!
- Because he loves you.
Unfortunately, there was
a mix-up at Daddy's work.
We need to bring
the bikes back for now.
But I already told Kevin O'Doyle
I got a new bike.
Well, we can paint my old bike
and make it look new.
That's a girl's bike.
All the kids will make fun of me.
No!
I wanna keep my bike!
I can't take this anymore.
Fast-forward me to my promotion.
So here's to Michael Newman...
...the greatest partner
I could ever dream of.
Hear, hear!
Thank you. Thank you, guys.
My family thanks you.
I'm gonna do the best I can
and I won't let you down, I promise.
Yeah!
- Congratulations, Mr. Newman.
- This is great. Thank you.
How's it feel, killer?
- Feels incredible, sir.
- Well, you earned it. I'm telling you.
Not just because of that
Watsuhita project either.
For helping me pick up the slack
now I'm spending time with my lady.
Hey, Dinkie.
Are you kidding me? You guys have
been dating a couple months now?
That's pretty huge for this one.
No, the first few months were easy.
It was the one-year hump
that was the tough part.
Her inappropriate weekend
with my brother in Cabo...
...well, that was
a potential speed bump.
But, well, Dr. Bergman helped us
work through it, didn't he, honey?
How's he doing for you and Donna?
Dr. Bergman. What do you mean?
Oh, you know what, sweetie?
It's none of our business.
Let's let Michael bask in his glory.
Cheers.
Bask away, partner.
Took that bastard
a year to promote me?
What else did I miss?
- Shit.
*Kirsten: Do you need something, Mr. Newman?
*Michael Newman: Who are you?
*Kirsten: Kirsten... your assistant?
*Michael Newman: Wha- Wha- What happen to Alice?
*Kirsten: She moved to Accounting, couldn't handle your hours.
*Kirsten: [Whispering] And she prefers to be called Allen now, remember?
*Kirsten: [points at Alice, she is now a he]
*Michael Newman: No... No! No!
And who the hell's Dr. Bergman?
And I feel like Michael's making
no effort to connect with me at all.
No, no. I want to. I want to.
It's... I'm on autopilot.
"I'm on autopilot."
More like auto-zombie.
Good one, Donna.
- "Good one, Donna"?
- Michael, relax.
Who is this bigmouth?
Why can't you and I just talk?
Why? Because there is no talking
to you. You're never home to talk to.
And when you are, you're just sitting
there staring off into space.
What do you want from me?
This is what happens.
He's gonna answer his phone.
What the heck happened?
I didn't even touch the remote.
Great, you gonna start watching TV
at dinner?
Oh, can we?
Samantha. My little angel.
Look at you.
Look how long your hair's getting.
When did you grow up?
Ben, get over here.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna work tonight.
Watch Dragon Tales together.
What do you say?
Dragon Tales is for babies, Dad.
I wanna watch CSI.
Yeah, CSI.
It's the episode
when they find the lady's arm.
What happened? I missed
the whole Dragon Tales era?
Whoa, hey, hello.
What are you doing?
Come here! Give me my Twinkie!
Get back here,
you freaking gremlin!
Don't yell at Peanut because
he found your Twinkie stash.
Who's Peanut? Where's Sundance?
Don't mention Sundance.
The kids just stopped crying.
About what? Why?
What happened?
He died?
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.
The stupid idiot and soft fur.
- Daddy held it in so long.
- He was the best dog!
He's finally letting himself feel it.
One night when the duck's head
was off...
...he tried to hump my leg
and I didn't let him...
...and I should've and I'm sorry.
- What an idiot.
- It's okay, it's okay.
What the heck did I do?
I love you. Do you still love me?
Oh, Michael.
It's been...
I'm really confused.
No, no, no. I'll change, okay?
I'll be a better man, I promise.
Don't go, don't go.
I'll stop working so much, okay?
I'll be with you. Just stay with me.
Oh, my God, it didn't take the duck
long to get over Sundance.
It's a little deviant,
but it's kind of turning me on.
Yeah, well, let's kiss and make up.
No. No!
It's not my fault.
It jumped on its own.
I didn't even hit the button.
Not even close.
Yes?
- You scared...
- Honey, what's going on down there?
It's all right! L...
There was a mouse! I killed it!
It's dead! But it broke the table first!
- How did you get in here?
- I had a feeling you wanted to see me.
I'm freaking out.
This thing, it's broken.
It's just... It's fast-forwarding
on its own now.
It's not a malfunction, it's a feature.
It's using its memory
to execute your preferences.
It remembers stuff?
What do you mean?
It's an advanced piece of equipment,
like TiVo.
You could call it Me Vo.
I fast-forwarded through sex one time,
I don't wanna skip it forever.
I like sex. It feels good.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you
fast-forwarded through an entire year.
That's a lot of sex.
Put it all together,
that's like 30 minutes' worth for you.
Oh, no, no. So what,
everything I fast-forwarded...
...it's gonna do it on its own now?
- Pretty much.
No more showering, no more traffic.
No more arguing.
No more sickness.
This is bad, this is bad.
You take it back,
I'm deactivating my service.
I quit, I quit. Thanks for everything,
all right, but l...
Yeah.
You... This is not...
Don't be mean.
Nice hat.
No, no, no.
Get away from me. Just get away.
Get away. Leave me alone.
Is this a stickup?
Or are you just happy?
Yeah? I'm gonna
take my clothes off, then...
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
There's only one place left
for it to pop up.
Oh. No, no, I don't want that.
Come on, man.
I told you,
this item is nonreturnable.
- Come on, just take it.
- Until we meet again.
Don't do that. Come on, Morty.
How do I get it to stop fast-forwarding?
Morning, sweetie.
You wanna shower first?
Yeah. No! I can't shower
because then I'll fast-forward.
And if I fast-forward, who knows
how long I'll fast-forward for.
How's this? I'm gonna rough it today,
like in the Old West. Okay?
Donna, I wanna tell you
what's going on right now so bad...
...but it might lead to an argument.
We can't argue because off I'll go.
So just know there is a problem.
I tried to get rid of the problem,
it almost ended up in my ass.
I'm gonna go to work
and try to figure this out.
You're going to work
in your bathrobe?
Honey. We can't argue, okay?
No more arguing.
You're right. I'm wrong. All the time.
You want a kiss?
- I'll take a kiss.
- I can't. If I give you a kiss...
...it might lead to something else,
then... three minutes goes by.
You're laying there disappointed,
I'm smiling.
I wanna be with you every minute
of my life, that's why I gotta leave now.
Have a great day!
Once again, Michael left Donna
in bed confused and unsatisfied.
Shut up, James Earl Jones!
No, you shut up, big mouth!
Michael!
Mr. Ammer is here
Your first day as a partner, you come
to work in a fricking bathrobe?
I did. I did.
John, I just feel we should
stop wasting our energy...
...on corporate brown-nosing and
worrying who's got the better suit.
Armani, Calvin Klein, who cares?
Let's concentrate
on what really matters, the work.
That's the craziest thing
I've ever heard.
But goddamn it, you're right.
Life-changing. I feel freer.
Yeah... Keep the pants on.
Sexual harassment, eh?
Speaking of life-changing...
...there's something, or actually
someone, I'd like to talk to you about.
- Janine.
- Everything okay?
Michael, Janine and I decided
to drop out of the rat race...
...slow down, move to Morocco.
- Morocco?
- Morocco.
Okay.
Eric Lamensoff will assume
my day-to-day responsibilities...
...and I'd like you to take his job.
But Eric Lamensoff is the head
of the whole international division.
- I've been your partner one day.
- So?
Every account you worked on
turned into gold.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised...
...if one day you ended up
being our CEO.
Hey, I would love
for that to happen, but...
No! No, no, no!
I don't want a promotion!
No!
Michael, you have a phone call.
Michael Newman.
Word up, big guy.
Ten years ago you told me
you wanted to be CEO.
Great news.
Eric Lamensoff killed himself.
So you better stop with the junk food,
Mr. Chairman...
... or you'll end up
killing yourself too.
Opening virtual blinds.
Ten years?
How much worse can things get?
Oh, my God, I'm a fat guy!
Look at me.
What is this? This is titties.
I got juicy titties!
What... What is that?
Oh, God, no.
Just take me home.
This is 1010 WINS news.
February 5th, 2017.
Britney Spears
had her 23rd baby today.
Proud father Kevin Federline says
he's now considering getting a job.
Also, Michael Jackson,
the first man to clone himself...
... is now suing himself
for molesting himself.
I just want to go home.
Donna!
Donna!
*Michael Newman: Can I help you?
*Ben Newman: Hey Dad.
*Michael Newman: Hey Dad? Ben? Look how big you got! You're enormous!
*Ben Newman: [offended] Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the SS Fat Ass! Really good for my self esteem! Maybe if you took me to Pilates like you said you would, people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell!
*Michael Newman: Come on Ben, I love you! Bring me back the Twinkies!
- You're so cruel!
Will you please stop yelling?
It is so embarrassing.
- Is that my daughter?
- Mom, I'm going to Derek's!
That's you, Samantha?
When did you get boobs?
The same time you did, Dad.
Now can I go?
*Samantha: I'm going to Derek's.
*Michael Newman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, who is Derek?
*Samantha: Uh, duh, my boyfriend, the hottest boy in school?
*Michael Newman: Yeah, he's gonna be really hot when I burn his house down.
Get your ass upstairs,
put normal clothes on.
- Why are you so mean to me?
- Get them on now!
- And wipe off all that makeup!
- Right!
Is Peanut dead too?
This one's got the duck
doing all the work.
Donna. Donna.
Goddamn it.
Look how gorgeous you look.
I'm so scared.
- Knock, knock, gang.
- Hey, sweetie.
What's going on?
Donna and I were gonna get
hot chocolate.
- You want us to bring you one?
- You cheating on me?
With Johnny G-String over here?
Come on. Time-out.
I thought we were past that.
No, no, no, we're past this argument.
No, you're right, no big deal.
Hey, it's just that you don't
mess with another man's wife!
Michael! Stop it! Stop it, Michael!
It was your decision to move out!
So stay out!
Get off me!
You sticking up for him?
Go away! Go away, I hate you!
- We can't argue! Donna, please!
- I hate you! I hate you!
Oh, man!
You hate me?
*[In the far future, Michael is confronted with kids that don't respect him anymore, a wife that has moved on without him and the breaking point - the treehouse that he had started building for the kids years ago remains unfinished]
*Michael Newman: No. No. Ten years, you're not finished yet?
*[screaming into the heavens]
*Michael Newman: Morty! Why did you do this to me?
*Morty: [suddenly appearing] You did this to yourself, Michael.
*Michael Newman: No. No, I didn't wanna waste all that time. I didn't wanna lose Donna!
*Morty: The remote goes by your behavior. Every time there was a conflict between work and home, work won!
*Michael Newman: No, not true!
*Morty: Lie to your wife! Lie to yourself. But you cannot lie to the remote. The remote is lie-proof, so you can't change what already happened. But you're still a young man. A young, fat man. You could win Donna back.
*Michael Newman: So that's what I'll do.
*Morty: Go for it, tubbs.
I saw what you did to the duck.
Very good. Nice work.
You'll feel that in a second.
All right, please,
please just read my note.
- Hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
Oh, my nuts!
Michael, are you awake?
Michael, honey. Are you awake?
Donna.
Where'd all my fat go?
It was just a dream?
A terrible, terrible dream.
What's that, Michael?
You had a bad dream?
Did a fuzzy dog push me over?
Oh, Shaggy the miracle dog?
Yeah, if he hadn't knocked you
on your noggin...
...you wouldn't have had the CAT scan
that found the cancer before it spread.
I have cancer?
No, you had cancer.
You're the only person
to gain weight during chemo.
That's probably what caused
your heart attack.
Heart attack?
I thought they weaned you
off the morphine.
Okay, Mr. Junk Food...
...since the injury,
you haven't been healthy a full day.
When exactly did I hurt my head?
When was it? Like, six years ago?
Six more years! No! No!
It skipped all my sickness.
I'm gonna ask them
to cut back on painkillers.
Donna, don't go.
What's this?
That's not bad
for your third liposuction.
One more tummy tuck
should take care of it.
Oh, it looks like a tongue...
...licking.
Look, I should go.
Bill's waiting for me downstairs.
- So I'll probably...
- Bill?
You're still with Speedo Torpedo?
Whatever happened
to "forever and ever," honey?
"Forever and ever"?
Look, Michael, I'm trying to have
a civilized relationship with you...
...for the kids' sake.
I really wanna be friends,
but I can't do that if you...
Would you stop flapping that thing?
It's my flap, I'll do
whatever the hell I want with it!
You done?
Look, Bill's my husband.
Please learn to accept that.
I really have to go.
Husband? Donna?
No. Donna. Donna. Donna!
Welcome to Newman Architecture.
Building a better world for all of us.
Architect of the year, 2018.
All your dreams came true,
huh, moron?
Dad. Hey, how you feeling?
- Benjamin. Look at that.
- Look... What?
Your face. Your skinny face.
You're shaving now, huh, kid?
Your entire ass is gone.
What happened? Good for you.
Right, my ass. Why don't
we talk about it in my office.
My old office.
The architect. How did this happen?
- Mom said you were still a little loopy.
- No, no, no. I'm feeling terrific.
The weight. How did you do it?
Staple treatment like your old man?
Wanna have a flap fight?
You gotta see this...
No. Just working out with Bill
five times a week. Same as always.
:[Ben is now a full-grown man and has gone into his father's line of work. Michael looks around Ben's office and sees a picture of him with a very attractive blonde woman.]
:Michael: Wowie! That's a looker. Blondie, big lips. Chesty. Is that your girl?
:Ben: No, that's your daughter Samantha.
:Michael: Of course it is. And you better always take care of her... ...and make sure nobody touches her except you.
Pop, I'm just getting ready
for this meeting.
Okay. Absolutely.
I'll take off for you.
I'd like to spend more time together.
All of us.
Take you out for ice cream.
How's that?
I know your mother won't come...
...but you, Samantha,
Grandpa, Grandma.
That'd be nice, huh?
I knew something
was funny with you today.
Papa, take a seat.
Let me get you a water, okay?
What are we sitting for?
- Here you go, Pop, drink this.
- All right. Drink some water.
There, I had my water.
What's going on?
Grandpa died, Dad.
He died a while back now.
No, no, no.
Don't say that.
Where was I?
You're crying?
What happened?
Nothing. You know,
he just got old. That's life.
- Shit.
- You're born and you live and you die.
Man, I gotta go.
Hey, hang on.
Susie, push my next meeting.
No, no, do your meeting.
It's fine. I'm just dizzy.
- Why are you crying?
- I'm dizzy from the operation.
You're gonna make me cry, Dad.
You don't... You don't have to go.
You look... You look good.
It's all right. Goodbye.
Come on.
Come on.
It won't take you there.
Take me where?
To the moment he died.
You weren't there.
Of course I wasn't.
Can you take me
to the last time I saw him, please?
*[Michael was told his father, Ted, died. In his grave, he asks the remote to flashback to the last time he saw him. Flashback: Michael's very busy working and his son, Ben, arrives]
*Ben Newman: Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper, but... If you check this out, you'll see it has much better natural flow...
*Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael interrupts without having seen his son's project] Cheaper one, like I said. Just, let me do my e-mail.
*Ben Newman: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Er...
*Michael Newman: [Real Michael] He ain't right. You are a schmark, look at it!
*Ted: [arrives] Surprise!
*Ben Newman: Hey, grandpa!
*Michael Newman: [Real Michael sees how old his dad is] Oh, my God...
*Ted: [hugs Ben] How did you get so handsome? [to Michael] So, Michael. I have a wonderful idea. Your mother is going to play canasta with her friends tonight, so I thought: "What a great opportunity". You, me and Ben should go and have a boys night out.
*Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] I can't.
*Ted: What do you mean you can't? You have to weak some time. We can go, we can whistle the pretty ladies.
*Ben Newman: I'm down for that.
*Ted: See? He's down. I don't know what that means but he's down.
*Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] Hey, please.
*Ted: Don't give me that finger. [after seeing he's son keeps busy] I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick.
*Michael Newman: [Real Michael] Will you look at the man?
*Ted: I'll tell you the secret.
*Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] No, Dad.
*Ted: Don't you wanna know...?
*Michael Newman: ...how you do the stupid trick? I've always known. Can you let me do my job?
*Ted: [voice braking] You've always known...
*Michael Newman: [Real Michael, to Flashback-Michael] You're pathetic.
*Ted: Okay... I'm so sorry I butched in. I love you son.
*Ben Newman: Don't you worry, grandpa. I'll go with you.
*[Grandpa starts leaving and cries. Real Michael freezes him, then rewinds the scene to the part Grandpa Ted tells Flashback-Michael that he loves him]
*Michael Newman: [Real Michael, when he freezes his dad when he's looking at him] I love you dad. [kisses him in the cheek] I'll miss ya... You know that... Good-bye.
*Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
*Michael Newman: What?
*Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
*Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
*Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.
*Your dad, it was his time.
*[Morty reveals to Michael that he is an "angel of death" and that it was his father's time] You bastard. [loses control of his rage and tries to attack him, only to grab nothing and fall]
All right, leave me alone.
Leave me alone.
You had your fun.
Just take me to a good place.
And now, everybody, it's time
for Mr. Newman to say a few words.
Yay, Michael!
Go get them, Michael! Speech!
Wedding cake. Wedding cake.
Okay, where's the groom?
Show your face.
Hi, Dad.
Ben. I didn't miss
my son's wedding.
Wow, this is terrific, buddy.
Who's the lucky lady?
Very funny, Mr. Newman.
*Michael Newman: Aunt Peggy, is that you? God, you got old.
*[Peggy flicks her chin and gives him the arm, to the crowd]
*Michael Newman: I'm just playing, she knows that.
Ma.
Ben's wife...
...welcome to the family.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
Let's have the best night, okay?
Look at you, Ma. You look amazing.
Michael, you haven't kissed me
like that since you were a little boy.
You are the best, Ma.
You know I know that, right?
Oh, darling, that's so sweet.
You know, Michael, your father
would've loved to be here.
I know, Ma.
Okay? I'm just glad you're here.
Me too, bubbala. Me too. Me too.
It's beautiful. Beautiful.
Beautiful. Look at her.
Donna, my favourite.
You're such a schmuck
for letting her go.
But don't let me ruin your evening.
I'll talk to you later.
Christina.
Michael, you've been so generous
taking care of all this...
...and the kids' honeymoon.
- Absolutely.
- Thank you so much.
Of course. Ben's wife
seems like a nice kid, huh?
- I think she's wonderful.
- Definite keeper.
Here's one you might remember
from The Cranberries.
Out of all the songs, huh?
Bill, since it's our son's wedding...
...do you mind if I dance
with my ex-husband for a minute?
- Not at all.
- Thank you.
Just have her back by midnight,
all right, champ?
You got it, Bill.
Why does he have
a bathing suit on?
Nice Speedo, buddy.
Still smelling good, huh?
After all these years.
Are you happy?
Of course I'm happy,
our son just got married.
Not about that. Are you happy
about where our lives ended up?
"Ended." It's not over yet.
- That's my Donna.
- It's true.
That Samantha?
Hey. What are you doing?
Put a sweater on. Cover them up.
What is with you?
Just kidding, I...
Just not used to seeing you
all grown-up like this.
Okay, well, if that's your way of telling
me that I look pretty, then thank you.
Let's go get some cake.
- I'll race you there, Dad. Come on.
- Okay.
"Dad"?
Michael, are you okay?
Is there a doctor?
We need a doctor here!
Michael!
- Dad!
- Dad!
It's just corn flakes.
One dance, you pop an artery.
Why'd you make me
waste my entire life?
You were fast-forwarding
through your life...
...long before you ever met me.
You lived the life you chose,
big shot.
This is not the life I wanted.
It is.
Looks like it is.
Hey. You're up. How you feeling?
I feel better
now that you guys are here.
Samantha's been here
like 36 hours straight.
She said she wouldn't leave
the hospital until you woke up.
- Why'd you do that?
- Because. You're my father.
I thought Bill was your father.
I have two fathers.
One of them told me he was gonna
live till he was 200. Remember?
You both really need
to get some sleep.
And I got a plane to catch.
Big Ben's gotta go
on his honeymoon.
Actually, I just cancelled
the honeymoon.
Kensington deal might fall through,
so I gotta go do damage control.
- Julie and I can go to Italy anytime.
- No.
It's not that big a deal.
- That's not fair to your wife.
- Dad...
...she gets it. Keeping
the business going is more important.
Guys, I'm sorry. You're gonna
have to leave. He needs his rest.
All right. Bye, Dad.
Bye, Daddy.
Get this off of me.
Whoa, whoa!
Hey, fella, you're a long way
from walking out of here.
I gotta see my son.
You're not going anywhere.
Now, get back into the bed.
- Isn't that Colin Farrell?
- Where?
Michael.
Those machines
are keeping you alive.
I gotta talk to my boy.
- Michael, stop.
- No.
Michael, it doesn't have to end now.
Ben!
Ben!
Ben!
Ben!
Dad? Dad?
Dad, what are you doing?
Are you okay?
- Oh, my God.
- Help! Help!
- Dad! Dad!
- Help!
:[at the brink of death in 2029, Mike makes one last effort to reach out to his family. Ben hears Mike calling to him on the street and the entire family scrambles to him]
:Mike: [to Ben] Ben, Ben. Family. Family. Family.
:Ben: What?
:Mike: Family. Family.... Family comes first.
:Ben: [sobbing] Family comes first.
:Mike: Honeymoon. Honeymoon.
:Ben: Honeymoon. [to his wife] I love you. [consoles with her]
:Mike: Samantha. Samantha. I didn't make 200, but I love you.
:Samantha: I love you.
:Mike: Bill, Bill, Bill. [flips him off but he signifies an okay sign, indicating he's made peace with him. He holds Donna's hand] I'm sorry.
:Morty: Michael. The note you wrote her, in your pocket. [shows note stating "Will you still love me in the morning?"]
:Donna: [sadly] Forever and ever, babe.
:Morty: [kneels] It's time to go.
- Where am I?
- You're in Bed Bath & Beyond, sir.
I was just watching you sleep.
You looked like you were having
a crazy dream.
What?
You're not supposed to lay
in the beds, but I do sometimes.
I'm back in the store?
I'm young again. I'm young again.
Well, I mean,
you're not "young" young.
I'm young.
You're kind of on the back nine.
No, no. No. I'm just teeing off, baby.
Look at you.
You want a friend? You want a friend?
I'll be your friend, baby.
I'll be your friend. I'll be your...
Oh, my God!
Yes, my crappy car!
You mediocre, middle-class
piece of shit!
I love you!
Pop, Pop. Pop.
There he is. There he is.
- What's wrong? What happened?
- Nothing's wrong.
Everything's incredible, Ma.
I just wanted to tell you I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you so much.
You gotta tell me how you do
the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy.
A magician never reveals
his secrets.
However, if you invite us over
for dinner more...
You come over tomorrow night, and
the night after that. Any time you want.
- Stop, I'm gonna have a heart attack.
- No, I have the heart attacks.
Thank you so much for giving
birth to me, I know it hurt. Okay?
You have no idea. But, honey, please,
stay off the bong pipe.
I can't promise you that.
Okay. I'm up.
What do you think?
If you massage me first.
Okay, let's go to sleep.
Mom, wake up!
There's a crazy noise downstairs.
What the heck is going on?
Hey, do you mind?
I am trying to concentrate.
Here I am, staying up all night...
...trying to come up with activities
for our Fourth of July camping trip...
...but you won't let me think!
You want time to think? Why don't you
think about the fact that you just wo...
What did you just say?
Yes, you heard me.
If you keep up this weird attitude...
...I won't be able to work for a year
and have to plan 10 more vacations.
- That make you happy?
- Did you eat a bad Yodel?
Give me those big lips.
- What's going on down here?
- Ben. Ben!
Come here. Oh, my God.
I missed you, I missed you.
Look at you, boy.
I'm gonna finish the tree house.
We're gonna sleep in it next weekend.
From now on, we're gonna exercise
and I'm not gonna wear a Speedo.
- All right!
- All right.
And you. Nice jump! I love you.
*Michael Newman: Samantha. One day, you are going to be the hottest chick in the world, but you still gotta have brains. So tomorrow, I'm going to teach you Calculus.
*Samantha Newman: You know Calculus?
*Michael Newman: Uh, I knew you'd call me on that, alright, your mother will teach you. I know! It's gonna be the best!
- Put a sweater on! Don't take it off!
- Okay, Daddy.
Oh, and Sundance!
Doggie years go by very quick,
so it's time to enjoy the real thing.
Yeah, go get some, baby.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
No. Go to Sundance, not the duck.
They told me at the pet store
it was a female.
They lied to me, I guess.
- You staying downstairs tonight?
- Why? That's getting you going?
It's Fourth of July,
I'm gonna celebrate with my wife.
Take my time, massage her,
make sure she is fully satisfied.
But you know, it isn't
the Fourth of July, it's only the 2nd.
That's even better.
Happy 2nd of July, honey.
- Think I like this holiday.
- Yeah?
I'm gonna go change
into my Pocahontas costume.
- I'll see you upstairs.
- I'll bring the duck.
Okay, I gotta call my dad
and tell him to get the old tent ready.
[having seen that what happened was just a dream, he makes amends with his family and prepares for their Fourth of July vacation, but sees the remote in the kitchen and reads an attached letter] Like I said, '"Good guys need a break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S.: Your wife's rocking body still drives me crazy.' Okay, Morty. [disposes of the universal remote in the trash bin, and this time it does not reappear] Hey, who wants to have a pillow fight?
Category:Transcripts
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts