The Good Bad Guy and The What?/transcript

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== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: November 29, 2003
Episode Copyrighted: 2003
This episode is rated TV-PG-D.
Episode starts in the image of Plankton placed on the secret formula. Master Lox is heard laughing maniacally.
Lord Master Lox: Oh yeah! That's the formula! The Krabby Patty formula is yours, Plankton! How great am I?
Plankton: The secret formula you say, which means...
Lord Master Lox: I'm ten steps closer to once again becoming the secret formula! Nothing can stop me now! *sees Squilliam*
Lord Hater: Oh my Grop, it's Squidward's rival!
Lord Master Lox: Oh my god. It's him.
Squilliam Fancyson: *opens the door*
Lord Master Lox: It's Squilliam Fancyson!
Plankton: His rival is coming to visit.
Lord Master Lox: That guy is an octopus guy.
Plankton: Master Lox, we're doomed! After all these years of conquering, it comes down to this.
Lord Master Lox: When I finally meet my idol! *holds up a picture of Squilliam* Huge, HUGE fan! I know, like, all his evil deeds. You're pretty much the reason I got into villainy in the first place. Threat's best! Great villain!
Squilliam Fancyson: *lifts Master Lox up and brings him closer to hug him*
Squilliam Fancyson: I'm Squilliam Fancyson!
Freezes frame title.
Lord Master Lox: Okay, Squilliam. You are like, the worst, the best! Best at being the worst. *gives Squilliam the picture with Squidward and a pen so the latter signs the picture on the former's back*
Squilliam Fancyson: Uh, thanks, bud.
Lord Master Lox: *to Plankton* "Bud!"
Squilliam Fancyson: *rolls up the picture and hands it back to Master Lox* But I'm really embarrassed about all that conquering stuff. It was just take, take, take, without giving a thought to, you know, the people, man, and how they were feeling.
Lord Master Lox: *confusedly* Ah-ooo?
Squilliam Fancyson: *laughs* Sorry, man, this must be a bit of a shock. I'm sure you were expecting *demonic voice* RAAGH! I SHALL DESTROY SQUIDWARD!! *calm voice* And here I am, all peace and love, man. *laughs* You must be all, "What? Did I go all cuckoo in the head!?" Right?
Lord Master Lox: Uh... yeah. Kinda thought... cuckoo head, yeah. *chuckles*
Squilliam Fancyson: Well, I did. I went cuckoo. Cuckoo for conquering, until I crossed paths with this wandering weirdo.
Lord Master Lox: Oh no.
Squilliam Fancyson: Strange visitor from who knows where who came to my galaxy with powers of positivity far beyond those of anyone.
Lord Master Lox: *grows agitated* Oh no!
Squilliam Fancyson: Yeah, he went around helping everyone. Totally drove me even... cuckoo-ier.
Lord Master Lox: OH NO!
Squilliam Fancyson: I chased him around Squidward's house, vowing to destroy him!
Lord Master Lox: YES! I mean... OH NO!
Squilliam Fancyson: Yeah, and in the end, do you know what he wanted?
Lord Master Lox: No, what?! What did Squid-- I mean, what did he want?
Squilliam Fancyson: Just... to be... my friend.
Lord Master Lox: *gives out an anguished shriek*
Squilliam Fancyson: Yeah, it's crazy, man. It was like he wanted me to hate him at first. When he eventually wore me down and we became friends, I realized that if I learned to like this one thing I used to hate, then what was the point of hating all the other stuff I hated? With less hate in my heart, I might start to be happy and not be--
Lord Master Lox: *bitterly* Such a bad guy anymore?
Squilliam Fancyson: Exactly, man! So like I was saying earlier, your reign of terror's gonna have to end, man.
Hater looks at Threat's picture - an overly happy face is drawn on Threat's face.
This aggression won't stand.
Lord Master Lox: *brings the picture down*
Squilliam has the same face drawn on the picture.
Lord Master Lox: *falls back and manically tears the picture to shreds* NOOO!! I warned you, Peepers!
Plankton: Master Lox, just because Squilliam fell prey to that wandering weirdo, it doesn't–
Lord Master Lox: THIS IS HOPELESS!! *sobs* Don't you see? Squilliam is Squidward's rival, and he plays his clarinet.
Squilliam Fancyson: Here, man, let me help you fix this.
Lord Master Lox: That's it! I can fix you!
Plankton: Master Lox, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Lord Master Lox: No, if I can remind him how good he is at being evil, it'll prove once and for all that bad is in the bones. *to Squilliam* You are not good. You are just bad at remembering how good it was being bad. Like the time you conquered the unconquerable Crocodiles from Donkey Kong Country.
Squilliam Fancyson: Grope yeah, the Crocodiles from Donkey Kong Country, man. I gave up being their evil dictator, and turned them on to democratic elections.
Lord Master Lox: Okay, okay, bad example. Summer and winter are Solstice!
Squilliam Fancyson: Now it's King K. Rool, a winter solstice getaway and non-profit research facility to study climate change.
Lord Master Lox: *frustrated screams* Your band! Ninety-Ounce Nihilists? You were the loudest, most evil band in the entire universe!
Squilliam Fancyson: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I-I could never quit music, man. Me and the guys still hang out and jam. You see? You can be even greater by saying "later" to the Master Lox.
Lord Master Lox: Stop hugging everything! Okay, time for the big guns.
A gloomy-looking planet with a large rain cloud above is shown.
Lord Master Lox: Victimon. They are primed and ready for destruction. I would like you to do the honors.
Squilliam Fancyson: You're sure?
Lord Master Lox: Oh, please. If this doesn't get the evil juices flowing, nothing will. I insist.
Squilliam Fancyson: Well, uh, if you insist. *presses the button and four torpedoes are launched*
Lord Master Lox: Yes. Yes!
Squilliam Fancyson: *uses my clarinet powers to redirect the torpedoes, which blow up the rain cloud, turning Victimon happy*
Lord Master Lox: NOOOO!!
Squilliam Fancyson: Whoa, take it easy, man. Just take it easy.
Lord Master Lox: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it, Squilliam? Huh, man? *pulls on Squilliam's shirt* You're gonna play your stupid clarinet for some poor puppy orphans? *dips a roller brush in a bucket of green paint, lifts Squilliam's robe from the back, and paints Squilliam's back area*
He then takes out a marker while bending over. It cuts to a closer shot of Squilliam as the sound of a marker doodling is heard.
Lord Master Lox: *lifts my butt with Squilliam's face drawn on it into view*
He shakes a bottle of green potion and sprays it in Squilliam's face.
Lord Master Lox: *frustrated, then falls on my back and kicks Squilliam in the knees.
Despite all these efforts.
Squilliam Fancyson: *remains unflustered* I'll have your hug waitin' when you're ready.
Lord Master Lox: Fine! You can't keep us prisoner! Plankton and I are leaving. Come on, Plankton.
Plankton: Master Lox, he never actually took us prisoner. Also, technically, this is our place. Your Lair and The Chum Bucket.
Lord Master Lox: Shut up! *smacks Plankton* I know that!
Squilliam Fancyson: *worriedly rushes to Plankton* Hey, hug it out, don't slug it out.
Lord Master Lox: *pauses and gets an idea* Oh, I'm so sorry, does that bother you, Squilliam?
Plankton: Seriously, Master Lox, you really–
Lord Master Lox: *smacks him again*
Plankton: Ow! My antenna!
As Master Lox continues to abuse Plankton, Squilliam appears to become disturbed.
Squilliam Fancyson: Hey, how would you like it if I treated you like that, you know? What if I slapped you off, man, huh? What if I pushed you to the ground? Yeah, and take over your place? Yeah, and what if I take over your-your whole army, huh? Then what would, would, w-w... By– I forgot how good being bad feels.
Lord Master Lox: Yeah!
Squilliam Fancyson: I am back, and I'm gonna conquer this whole stinkin' inator, *deep guttural voice* starting with yours.
Lord Master Lox: Yeah! What?
Screen cuts to the city jail.
Lord Master Lox: *suddenly winds up in a prison cell, lying on the floor* I can't beat him. It's over, I'm finished, done, conquered. That dude, I mean, Squilliam Fancyson is the evilest evil-doer that ever do-ed evil! The only reason he was stopped last time was because– Oh, no. Not that.
Squilliam Fancyson: Pipsqueak, how great am I?
Plankton: *shivers* The inator is loaded, Squilliam, which means–
Squilliam Fancyson: It's loaded! Nothing can stop me now!
Lord Master Lox: Squilly, is that you?
Master Lox is dressed like Wander and holding a mop with a pink glove on it resembling Sylvia.
Lord Master Lox: It's me. Your old pal, Sunshine Banjo Face. Why the frowny face, Sir Frownsalot? Let's go tickle some caterpillars, and make lemonade out of snowflakes!
Squilliam Fancyson: I will not abide by such a disgusting display of optimism! *blasts some Watchdogs and Henchmens to tackle Master Lox with my clarinet powers, who uses the Sylvia mop to knock them away*
Lord Master Lox: Take that and that, you grop-derned flabdrassers. There's only one thing to trump the grumpies, and that's... Vooooooooop! *begins playing the banjo poorly, sings offkey* When you wander over that way... and wear a stupid hat.
Watchdog: *holds up a smartphone and snaps a picture*
Lord Master Lox: Then you help some stupid people... And wear a stupid hat!
Plankton: *watches in disbelief and my lower eyelid drops the same way one's lower jaw drops*
Lord Master Lox: When the bad guys come a-creepin' and lookin' really cool, just do some friendly dumb things and act just like a fool...
Lord Master Lox: *becomes increasingly enraged*
Squilliam Fancyson: *snatches Master Lox with my clarinet powers*
However, he pulls on the power to bring Squilliam closer and give him a forceful hug.
Lord Master Lox: Friendship!
Squilliam Fancyson: Ah!!
Suddenly, he calms again and he laughs.
Squilliam Fancyson: Sorry I had to fool you there, but I knew there was good deep down in those bones.
Lord Master Lox: Oh no.
Squilliam Fancyson: You not only helped your friends here, but you also saved yourself, man.
Lord Master Lox: Oh no.
Squilliam Fancyson: You'll thank me later. It's like Tumbleweed always said, "Never hurts to help."
Lord Master Lox: *shakes my head* Who?
Squilliam Fancyson: Uh, Tumbleweed. That goofball that drove me crazy, then made me a better person.
Lord Master Lox: Wait, wasn't his name Squidward?
Squilliam Fancyson: Nope. Folks called him Tumbleweed.
Lord Master Lox: YES!! *takes off my Wander outfit* WOOOO! Thank god. Oh, I was worried for a second that I was doomed to suffer the same fate as you, but I'm obviously so much better and more evil.
Squilliam Fancyson and Lord Master Lox: *walks to the door, which opens up*
Lord Master Lox: Well, don't let the door hit you on the way out. I don't know what I was freaked out about. My annoying wanderer is totally different. He plays a dumb clarinet and hands out stupid sandwiches and–
Squilliam Fancyson: Ha! Mustard or mayonnaise? Mustard or mayonnaise? Mustard or mayonnaise? *walks away*
Hater looks on in complete shock as if he picked up on the implication*
Lord Master Lox: *quietly and nervously* Oh no.
His head explodes and he falls back. The door closes. Screen fades in black and it says "THE END". Episode ends.
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