Shakespeare Dat Ass/Script

Nice Peter: Hello, I’m Nice Peter!
Zach Sherwin: And I’m the local peasant…
Nice Peter: And welcome to Total Drama ERB! Where three of the contestants are pop stars!
Zach Sherwin: So today, my peasant-ness is going to tell you what happened last time. We had a house decorating contest and all of the houses looked better than me. However, the mighty Leonidas was ditched in the end, but honestly it should’ve been me.
Nice Peter: This is the last time we let George Watsky write the opening dialogue…
Zach Sherwin: On Total Drama ERB!
*The scene cuts to team Massive Failures house’s kitchen. Justin Bieber is eating oatmeal cereal, Adam is eating an apple, Lady Gaga is preparing some food, Mr. T is reading and Poe is worrying.*
Justin Bieber: This is alright…
Edgar Allan Poe: What shall I do? We’ve been doomed from the start! The other team really wants to rip us apart!
Adam: Relax, Poe. We all know there’s safety in numbers. And if we lose today, Bieber goes first.
Justin Bieber: Well fuck you, too.
Lady Gaga: Would any of you men like some bacon?
Mr. T: Yes, ma’am.
Adam: I’m more of a fruit person myself.
Justin Bieber: As long as you don’t wear it first.
Michael Jordan: Hey, anyone seen my jock strap?
Adam: Ew, no.
Justin Bieber: Wait a minute…what the hell is in my…EW!
*Justin Bieber pulls out Michael Jordan’s jockstrap from his cereal*
Mr. T: Oh, that’s just nasty!
*Justin Bieber runs to the sink and sticks his head under, while running cold water out and scraping his tongue*
Adam: How do you explain that?
Michael Jordan: …actually, I don’t need it anymore.
(Confessional) Muhammad Ali: Plan ALMOST worked. Next time I need to make sure Michael Jordan gets the oatmeal first.
Nice Peter (via intercom): Challenge time!
*The scene transitions to everyone at a giant stage, with Shakespeare on it.*
Nice Peter: Alright, guys, today you have to make a skit. Using 3 people from each team as the cast, and one as the writer, you must be able to impress Shakespeare.
Mr. T: Sounds easy.
Shakespeare: Ha! What a lark! Prepare for your little ditties to be torn apart by the master of the writing art!
Nice Peter: Oh, and before we explain any further, you will have four people watching you must impress as well.
Say hello to Hulk Hogan and Macho Man.
Hulk Hogan: Sup, brothers?
Nice Peter: And, as a perfect way to introduce our new intern…
*The new intern steps out into the open, lining up with Hulk and Macho Man*
Master Chief: …no…
Eve: You’re kidding me…
Nice Peter: …Goku.
Goku: Revenge will be mine, suckers.
(Confessional) Al Capone: Alright, what first level bullshit inspired this move?
(Confessional) Eve: At least he’s not competing. No harm there…right?
*Goku walks up to Eve*
Goku: Hey, little lady, ya miss me? Me and THIS DICK?
Eve: Take your Bolthouse Farms elsewhere, Carrot Top.
Goku: Just be glad I can’t ruin the challenge for your team…oh wait, I can.
Nice Peter: Each group has 30 minutes to plan…good luck!
*The teams split up towards opposite ends of the stage as Peter sets a timer and the judges get seated.*
Judging Panel
Hulk Hogan: Who do you think’s gonna do good, newbie?
Goku: Don’t call me that.
Macho Man: I’m going for the team with the Poe guy; he’s a writer after all.
Hulk Hogan: Same here, Macho Bro.
Goku: I don’t care who wins, as long as Eve is crushed.
Macho Man: What’s with the anger there, newbie? It’s your first day on the job, and you’re already acting like Santa.
Goku: What now?
Santa Claus: You don’t know what it’s like cleaning up after these people…
Goku: Meh, this job will be easy.
Team Epic Winners
Master Chief: Well, the other team has the poet, and the one-woman wardrobe.
Adolf Hitler: We could make a play about-
Eve: I swear to God if it’s a Holocaust joke…
*Adolf Hitler walks over to the Bush of Shame*
Bob Ross: How about-
Master Chief: Before you say your idea, does it involve turtles?
Bob Ross: Well…no…actually…fuck.
Darth Vader: Christ, we’re done for.
Cleopatra: Back in my day, if men acted like this, they’d be crushed by bricks. I don’t tolerate slackers, let alone from men like you.
Al Capone: Cleo’s got a point, you know.
Adolf Hitler (from the bush): We’re gonna get crushed by bricks?
Al Capone: Bob, you’re an artist, right?
Bob Ross: You can bet my afro I am.
Al Capone:  We got two lovely ladies on our team, and now we’ve got nothing but a bunch of winners in our hands. This won’t be too hard, we just gotta use our heads.
Adolf Hitler: But the bricks, Al! The bricks!
Al Capone: …all winners, except Hitler.
Team Massive Failures
Miley Cyrus: I say it will work!
Justin Bieber: For the last time, we are NOT going to all twerk on stage!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Actually, I wouldn’t mind…
Muhammad Ali: Okay, ain’t no one shakin’ nothing! I’m sure someone here has an idea.
Lady Gaga: Why don’t we ask Poe?
Michael Jordan: Hey, that’s right. We are the ones with the writing genius on our team.
Mr. T: Lovely! Now what?
Edgar Allan Poe: I need some peaceful place to write alone, so I can make sure none of us head home!
Lady Gaga: I can make costumes.
Miley Cyrus: I still say-
Justin Bieber: No!
(Confessional) Miley Cyrus: Bieber is no fun…
Judge Panel (15 minutes passed)
Goku: This is lame.
Shakespeare: Thou is the lamest, most filled with shamest, lost the gamest.
Goku: I’ll smash your face-est, Bill.
Nice Peter: Hey, Goku, can you get me a drink?
Goku: When hell freezes over, bitch.
Nice Peter: I’m sure your pay check disagrees.
Goku: *bolts up in his seat* What flavor, sir?
Nice Peter: Grape.
*Goku flies off to get Peter a drink*
Hulk Hogan: Always gets to them.
Shakespeare: Ballin, never fallin.
Nice Peter: Giggity.
Team Epic Winners
Bob Ross: The desk’s paint job is done. Just needs to dry.
Master Chief: I managed to find an office chair in yesterday’s pile.
*The camera cuts to Eve, who is putting on a 1930’s era dress and hat*
Eve: This dress feels a little tight…
Cleopatra: Darling, everything feels tight to you.
*The camera cuts to Capone and Vader on a stage*
Darth Vader: These lights could be moved a little over…
Al Capone: I think it’s fine.
Nice Peter (via megaphone): TWENTY MORE MINUTES!
Al Capone: We gotta rehearse this…
Team Massive Failures
Justin Bieber: Shit, we don’t even have our god damn script! I’ll stall the other team, you guys get Poe back!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I’ll help Bieber.
Muhammad Ali: NO!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Excuse me?
Muhammad Ali: …we’ll need you, for…talent…you’re like our Morgan Freeman…besides, Mr. T hasn’t done anything for our team, he could help Bieber…
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I’m fine helping Bieber, thank you.
*Justin Bieber and Tyson walk away, getting ready to mess up team Epic Winners.*
Adam: Wait, I’m coming along!
Justin Bieber: Why the hell are you even coming?
Adam: If you lay a hand on Eve, I will smack you.
Justin Bieber: Just like you KICKED GOKU IN HIS NUTS?
Adam: Why the hell did you yell?
*Goku flies back with Peter’s drink, and upon returning, hears Bieber’s statement.*
Goku: Oh yeah…you…
*Goku walks over to Adam*
Goku: I remember you.
Adam: Yeah, so?
Goku: And I remember you beat me…
Adam: Well, that was just luck, and-
Goku: You better believe that was luck, bitch.
*Goku lifts Adam off the ground by his neck, and punches him in the face*
Adam: What the hell was that for…
Goku: I’m watching you.
*Goku throws Adam back to his team, landing at Mr. T’s feet*
Mr. T: Don’t nobody beat up my friend…
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Ooh, I love myself some drama.
*Bieber and Tyson walk up to Ross and Master Chief, who are working on set pieces on the side of the stage*
Justin Bieber: So, what’re you doing?
Master Chief: Working on our set, instead of messing with everyone.
Justin Bieber: This desk’s paint is new, right?
Bob Ross: Yeah, just painted, not dry yet, so-
*Justin Bieber runs his hand slowly across the desk, then smears the paint over Master Chief’s helmet visor*
Bob Ross: HEY!
Justin Bieber: Hey Chief, can you see fine?
Master Chief: No, you dick.
Justin Bieber: Why don’t you take off that helmet there then?
Master Chief: How about you fuck off and go back to your team?
Justin Bieber: Why, are you hiding someth-
*Master Chief grabs Justin Bieber and throws him face first into the ground*
Master Chief: Do this again, and there will be a barrel with your name on it.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Worth it…now I know his weakness. I just need to make him crack…wait…crack…seems like stepping all over people really does have it’s upsides…
Justin Bieber: Watch your back, Chief…oh wait, you can’t.
*The scene cuts to when their time is up*
Nice Peter: Alright, bitches! Time to perform!
Team Massive Failures
Lady Gaga: So Mr. T, you ready?
Mr. T: My costume looks ridiculous.
Lady Gaga: That’s the spirit!
Edgar Allan Poe: I knew this random piano will come in handy, let’s hope our skit goes fine and dandy!
Miley Cyrus: Uh, Gaga, that dress is a little too long, you afraid you won’t step on it?
Lady Gaga: I’ve worn weirder things, believe me.
Miley Cyrus: Not what I meant, but okay…
Nice Peter: Up first, team Epic Winners!
*The scene cuts to the stage, where Capone is sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar, and Eve enters, wearing her dress and hat*
Al Capone: What can I do for a misses like you today?
Eve: Well, my friend and I went to see a comedian perform the other day. He is the greatest, by far. But when I went to my friend’s house the other day, it appeared that he was shot.
Al Capone: Interesting…let me tell you something, little lady.
Eve: What is it, sir?
Al Capone: I hate to admit it, but this ain’t the first time this type of sick act has popped up. The stories are always the same…a friend dies after going to see a comedian.
Eve: This is awful…
Al Capone: I actually have a fellow detective investigating.
Eve: You do? What has he-
*Bob Ross runs in from the same side as Eve, wearing a detective uniform and carrying a pad and pencils*
Bob Ross: I have good news and bad news on the case, sir.
Al Capone: Please spill.
Bob Ross: Good news is: we have solved the case. Bad news: evidence in witnesses, DNA and time shows it was the comedian who killed the innocent people.
Al Capone: So what you’re saying is…
Bob Ross: …that his jokes were…
*Bob Ross puts sunglasses on*
…Killer.
*The curtains close, signaling the end of the skit*
Hulk Hogan: That was…beautiful.
Macho Man: I LOVED that pun!
Shakespeare: This show was greatly paced, spaced and placed, but the pun was not my taste, in fact it was waste.
Goku: BOO! EVE SUCKS!
Nice Peter: What do you rate this, out of 5 stars!
Hulk Hogan: 5!
Macho Man: 3 stars.
Shakespeare: Let’s see, I think 3, 3 indeed.
Goku: Zero! Eve sucks!
Nice Peter: An impressive 11/20, which is…actually, not that impressive. Now, time for team Massive Failures!
*The scene cuts to the stage, where Poe is sitting at a piano, which he begins to play.*
Edgar Allan Poe:
 Once upon a Midnight gloomy, as I pondered what I must be doing,
The local hooker came and begged to do me.
*Lady Gaga walked out on stage with a displeased face*
Edgar Allan Poe:
She was oh so horny, but wasn’t for me, tale as corny,
As this one be, her mystery, is how she keeps babies from forming,
She told me she wasn’t right, and “Between you and I”,
“I’m nothing more than a transvestite”, and to my fright,
Looking at this woman, upon my face a frown was cracking,
Truth be told, she looked quite lacking, in the front, and upon backing,
Up to see for sure if this was true, sure enough, it was a dude!
*Lady Gaga rolls her eyes as Poe slams the piano with his hands*
Edgar Allan Poe:
Gasp as you must, the strangest is yet to come, to your disgust,
She was also an alien, whose ship time did rust!
So now she makes money, calling men honey,
But you shall not fret, for I am no dummy!
*Poe stands up from the piano to finish the story, but his foot gets caught on Lady Gaga’s dress, causing him to trip and fall over after twisting around a bunch. Meanwhile, his twisting caused Lady Gaga’s dress to rip right off, leaving her only in her underwear*
Mr. T: I know this ain’t my part, but I don’t like where this is going, I gotta do something!
*Mr. T runs on stage and pulls the curtain down, covering Gaga and Poe*
Nice Peter: Uh…rate…that.
Hulk Hogan: Zero.
Macho Man: Two, I guess. I mean, it was good until the incident.
Shakespeare: Zero, that was awful. Just Awful.
Goku: You guys have your priorities wrong. Those panties…they deserve a five on their own.
Nice Peter: It’s clear Massive Failures lost.
Goku: Dammit!
Nice Peter: Also, Goku, you’re starting off as janitor from now on. If you talk with ANY of the contestants, we’ll shove you in a barrel, and send you back. Deal?
Goku: Fuck.
*The scene cuts to the elimination ceremony with Goku hosting it, albeit chained to a moving dolly, and cuffs around his legs *
Edgar Allan Poe: Shit, why is he the host? Surely he’ll fuck it up the most!
Nice Peter: Relax, I’ve got sedatives, a tranquilizer gun, and in case of emergency, 25 missiles.
Mr. T: Now how the hell did you get-
Goku: Alright…so, some of you little-I mean, I guess, these people are safe, whatever…
Adam, Bieber, Tyson, Ali, Jordan-
Muhammad Ali: Bullshit!
Michael Jordan: Yeah, how is Ali safe?
Goku: Don’t make me Kame-I mean, Miley is safe. Our final three are Mr. T, Edgar Allan Poe, and Lady Gaga.
Edgar Allan Poe: I am afraid I must go, for I feel I am no longer welcomed on this show!
Justin Bieber: Yeah, we’ll replace you with Shakespeare.
Mr. T: Aw shit, this is how it ends?
Goku: Mr. T received less votes out of the three, so unf-*Goku is smacked* so Mr. T, you’re safe! Congratulations! *whispers* Blow me.
Mr. T: Phew! Now, I just hope Gaga don’t gotta go!
Justin Bieber: Seriously, Poe and Shakespeare are both oddly similar with how they speak…it’s like they’re the same person…
Goku: Shut the fuc-*Goku is sedated, and passes out*
Nice Peter: So, the person you guys voted out is…
*Poe, Gaga and Mr. T (not wanting to lose Lady Gaga) look at Peter nervously*
Nice Peter: Lady Gaga.
Lady Gaga: Darn…
Mr. T: NO!
Justin Bieber: Am I the only one who notices this? Seriously?
(Confessional) Mr. T: Now what am I to do? Everyone left is pretty much shit.
*Lady Gaga gets up to leave, but Mr. T stands up with her*
Mr. T: *crying* I’ll miss you, Gaga.
Lady Gaga: I’ll miss you too, T.
Justin Bieber: Seriously? No one?
*The scene cuts to the dock, with Macho Man dropping Gaga’s barrel underwater, with Lloyd by a camera*
Macho Man: Are we sure we didn’t throw away the bacon barrel? Heh.
EpicLLOYD: Today’s been weird. Will Mr. T recover? Will Goku behave? Will Gaga be missed? Does anyone even remember who was eliminated last time?
Macho Man: I think it was panties king or something, I dunno.
EpicLLOYD: Don’t expect these to be answered on the next Total.
Drama.
ERB!
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script