Jester

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v514/HolyGeek/Astral_Dolphns2.jpg
==Surely you Jest==
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Nasrudin's wife went to india and reached the final realization and 
enlightment. "Now I know all," she told Nasrudin, "everything and 
everyone is god. You, Nasrudin - you are not!"
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It seems everyone and anyone can add something to this site... what an insight!
Therefore... there is always room for another revelation...
this one might bring about a smile...
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is ssigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent 
copies. 
The Abbot replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate! . . . not celibate!"
== the gate ==
Nasrudin was the least likely of three volunteers, chosen by the king
to preform a secret and highly dangerous task.
The first one set on his way. After he failed to return within the
stipulated forty-nine days, the second one was sent.
When he, too, did not return, nasrudin's turn came. The king, though
reluctantly, sent him in their footsteps, saying: "do not worry
about the task. It will be enough if you find out what happened to
those two mighty princes".
After some adventures, nasrudin arrived in front of a huge gate. The
gate was barred and padlocked. Next to it, on pegs in the wall, were
hanging two keys, one big and another smaller.
In front of the gate, behind a table with a ready to play chessboard
on it sat a menacing looking gatekeeper, fully armed.
"If you wish to pass" said in a threatening voice, "you will have to
beat me at chess. But if you loose, you become my prisoner and slave,
and will spend your life locked in the dungeon".
Nasrudin looked at him, then kicked the table over while drawing his
sword and saying: "this is real life. No stupid games. If you want a
fight, you have a fight!"
"Relax, man!" said the gatekeeper hastily. "Don't get mad! Here, take
the keys. The small one is for the dungeon... you may take your two
friends with you, they are in a cellar just behind the gate on the
left" added, hurrying away.
(later Nasrudin succeeded to complete the task, and married the
king's daughter - but this is another story…)
******************
Tuesday 8.02.2005
Mother Teresa Quotes
Peace begins with a smile.
Jest'r few Links
* Nasrudin
* Dharma The Cat
* Who Is Swami Beyondananda?
* Wake Up Laughing ~ for Lynn 
* Says who? Sez me?
* "Deep Down we're all Superficial"
:Read this & more of the Wise-dumb of Swami Mujaputtia Umbababbaraba aka The Mooj
Why not send a peace email with some humour . . .
* Peaceful postcards from Gill Eardley
The Lotus And The Mishpokheh: 
The Principles of Jewish Buddhism (Koans for becoming a JewBu)
-------------------------------------------------------
1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. 
And sit up straight. 
You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.
 
2. There is no escaping karma. 
In a previous life, you never called, 
you never wrote, you never visited. 
And whose fault was that?
 
3. Wherever you go, there you are. 
Your luggage is another story.
 
4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish 
motorcycle maintenance, do the following: 
Get rid of the motorcycle. 
What were you thinking?
 
5. Be aware of your body. 
Be aware of your perceptions. 
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation 
is a symptom of a terminal illness.
 
6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
 
7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. 
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment 
will be the least of your problems.
 
8. The Tao has no expectations. 
The Tao demands nothing of others. 
The Tao does not speak. 
The Tao does not blame. 
The Tao does not take sides. 
The Tao is not Jewish.
 
9. Drink tea and nourish life. 
With the first sip, joy. 
With the second, satisfaction. 
With the third, Danish.
 
 
10. The Buddha taught that one should practice 
loving kindness to all sentient beings. 
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being 
Who happens to be Jewish?
 
11. Be patient and achieve all things. 
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
 
12. To Find the Buddha, look within. 
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. 
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. 
Each blossom has ten thousand petals. 
You might want to see a specialist.
 
13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. 
Is that so complicated?
 
14. Zen is not easy. 
It takes effort to attain nothingness. 
And then what do you have? 
Bupkes.
: A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
Nasrudin was once called in to fix a troublesome mainframe computer
that was not working.
He took one look at it
removed a hammer and tapped the computer.
It whirred into life . . .
"That will be $2010," said Nasrudin naming his fee.
"That is rather steep for a mere tap of the hammer?"
"The tap," said Nasrudin, "is $10 - knowing where to tap is $2000."
A distant kinsman came to see Yehá (Moroccan name of Nasruddin) and brought a duck. Nasrudin was pleased, had the bird cooked and shared it with his guest. Several days later another visitor arrived. He was a friend, as he said, "of the man who gave you the duck." Nasrudin fed him as well. This happened several times. Nasrudin's home had become like a restaurant for out-of-town visitors. Everyone was a friend at some removes of the original donor of the duck. Finally Nasrudin was exasperated. One day there was a knock at the door and a stranger appeared. "I am the friend of the friend of the friend of the man who brought you the duck from the country," he said. "Come in," said Nasrudin. They seated themselves at the table, and Nasrudin asked his wife to bring the soup. When the guest tasted it, it seemed to be nothing more than warm water. "What sort of soup is this?" he asked the Mulla. "That," said Nasrudin, "is the soup of the soup of the soup of the duck."
A man walking in the Lower East side of NY 
passes a store window that is full of clocks and watches. 
Realizing that his watch has not been working properly 
he enters the shop. He is greeted by a rabbinical looking little old man. 
He tells the man that he would like to have his watch repaired. 
The little old man answers: "I'm sorry. I don't repair watches". 
(provide your own accent as you read this) .. 
"Well, in that case", says our hero, "Maybe I'd like to buy a watch".
"I'm sorry," say the old man again," I don't sell watches".
"So, you don't sell watches, you don't repair watches. What do you do?"
"I do circumcisions." Replies the old man.
"If you do circumcisions why do you have watches in the window???"
"If you gave circumcisions, what would you put in the window?
sorry... I couldn't resist...Sam
Kitchen prayer - All you need is glove
:A buddhist monk stopped in a village in his journey 
:and asked a woman if he could spend the night 
:in her house. She said he could but he had to 
:chose from three things: 
:sleep with her, kill a goat or drink some alcohol. 
:The monk chose alcohol since he considered 
:this to be the lesser of three evils. 
:The next day he woke up in the bed of the 
:women he slept with and next to a dead goat.
:Groucho apparantly was like that 
:specilizing in - quick quips - off camera
:He once attended a seance where the medium 
:asked if there were 'any questions for the spirits?'
:Groucho asked:
:"What is the Capital of Nebraska?"
There was a terrible draught. 
After a long deliberation, the villagers decided to approach Nasrudin, 
who was known to work miracles on occasion and ask for his intervention 
in bringing the rain. 
The whole community went over to Nasrudin's hut and the elders stated their request. 
"Sorry," said Nasrudin, "there will be no miracle - you have no faith". 
"But Nasrudin, how can you say that?" said the villagers, "after all,
is it not our faith, that brought us to your door, begging for help?"
"If you really had faith," said Nasrudin, "You would have come with umbrellas."
:El Vaquero (The Mexican Cowboy) and his Chihuahua, Chilito, 
:are camping in the desert. He sets up their tent and both 
:are soon asleep. Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his 
:faithful friend.
:"Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
:Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, senor."
:"What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.
:Chilito ponders for a minute. 
:"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions 
:of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
:Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
:Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three.
:Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful ...
:and we are small and insignificant.
:Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
:What does it tell you, senor?"
:El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says,
:"Chilito, you pendejo.
:Someone has stolen our tent!"
______________________________________
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady named Mrs. Cohen, who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot"
Mrs. Cohen suggested, "Vy don you put de anvil in the bocket, Shlep the bocket mit von hant, put a chicken under each arm and carry de goose in your odder hant?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
Mrs. Cohen looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely vidow vitout a husband to defend me. How do I know that ven we get in the alley you vont hold me up against the vall, pull up my skoirt, and rhavish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
Mrs. Cohen replied, "Put the goose down, kover him mit de bocket, put the anvil on top of de bocket, and I'll hold the chickens
== Warning - Do not read if easily offended. (by the legal profession) ;) ==
a crowded smoke-filled bar.<BR>
jam packed on a friday nite.<BR>
a guy at one end of the bar, having had a few too many,<BR>
and fresh from a divorce in which he lost all he had ...<BR>
stands up and shouts, "lawyers are assholes!!!!"<BR>
a few of the patrons look down his way but then go back<BR>
to quaffing their guiness.<BR>
but on the other end of the bar ...<BR>
one guy stands up and begins to work his way down to where<BR>
our friend is sitting. he finally makes his way thru the<BR>
crowd ... approaches and says,<BR> 
"i heard what you said ...and i want you to know i take offence!"<BR>
"why," asks our hero, "are you a lawyer?"<BR>
"no", he replies, "i'm an asshole!"
John and Peter were inseparable friends. They went to kindergarten, lower school, high school and university together. They married at the same time and settled near each other. Their families were always together. 
But, as life would have it Peter who worked for the UN was sent to Africa on a mission. They both thought that it would be just a matter of weeks before he returned. But alas, it did not turn out that way. 
Weeks passed, and then months and then finally a year went by. Peter was lost. John decided to give up everything and go in search of him.
Following his tracks he finally arrived in a remote jungle village. Too late. There was his friend Peter pinned to a tree with a spear through his chest. Ignoring all danger to himself John rushed up to him crying out: "Oh, my poor friend. Does it hurt?"
"Oh, only when I laugh!" replied Peter.
== Metaphor ... the kind we need Metta For ;) ==
These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition. <BR>
They are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
9. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
10. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
 
11. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
12. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
13. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
16. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
17. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
 
18. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
19. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
20. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
21. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
== Joke Guru ==
One of the things that attracted me to Osho was that he used many jokes to make his discourses clearer. That was very refreshing to me because I had been involved in a deadly serious spiritual growth group for a number of years. What a relief!! Laugh your way to God. Love, Live, Laugh.
: Having met the old fart Rajneesh in person, I must say that he was taking one thing seriously - himself. so all his humor was just a pose - though he circulated (and unfortunately, mostly spoiled) lots of good old jokes. 
:) humor is a serious matter - and it starts with oneself.
yosy
Sex and laughter. Get's people every time. All those smiling tantric lamas are on the same ticket. It reminds me of a joke . . .
Nasrudin went to see a great Holy Man with a reputation even stranger than his. When he got back to his community they could see he was clearly agitated. 
"What did the Holy One say to you? Did he expalain the mysteries of the universe? Did he foretell some calamity?"
"No, no," said Nasrudin, "it is far worse than you imagine. He told me the Truth."
 
Osho? As the heading says - a joke Guru . . . 
:-)
== For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously: ==
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set<BR>
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.<BR>
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.<BR>
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.<BR>
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.<BR>
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.<BR>
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.<BR>
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.<BR>
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?<BR>
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.<BR>
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.<BR>
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?<BR>
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.<BR>
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.<BR>
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.<BR>
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.<BR>
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.<BR>
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.<BR>
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.<BR>
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.<BR>
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.<BR>
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?<BR>
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.<BR>
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.<BR>
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.<BR>
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.<BR>
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.<BR>
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.<BR>
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.<BR>
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.<BR>
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.<BR>
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks<BR>
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.<BR>
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.<BR>
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.<BR>
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.<BR>
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.<BR>
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.<BR>
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.<BR>
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.<BR>
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.<BR>
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.<BR>
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.<BR>
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.<BR>
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.<BR>
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.<BR>
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.<BR>
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!<BR>
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.<BR>
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!<BR>
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.<BR>
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...<BR>
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.<BR>
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.<BR>
==GROUCHOisms==
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.<BR>
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.<BR>
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.<BR>
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.<BR>
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.<BR>
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.<BR>
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.<BR>
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.<BR>
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.<BR>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.<BR>
 
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.<BR>
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.<BR>
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.<BR>
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?<BR>
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.<BR>
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.<BR>
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.<BR>
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.<BR>
Room service? Send up a larger room.<BR>
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.<BR>
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.<BR>
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?<BR>
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.<BR>
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?<BR>
Women should be obscene and not heard.<BR>
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.<BR>
----
HE: "What are you looking for in a 
long-term relationship?"
SHE: "Oh, i dunno - 'fear of committment' would be nice..."
----
== Where Dogs Come From ==
 
:From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis: Where Dogs Come From...
:Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to 
:walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely 
:here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." 
 
:And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with 
:you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that 
:you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how 
:selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will 
:accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." 
:And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. 
 
:And it was a good animal. 
 
:And God was pleased. 
 
:And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. 
 
:And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the 
:kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." 
:And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection 
:of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and 
:you will call him DOG." 
 
:And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. 
 
:And Adam was comforted. 
 
:And God was pleased. 
 
:And Dog was content and wagged his tail. 
 
:After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the 
:Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and 
:preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. 
:Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." 
 
:And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be 
:with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will
:remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always 
:worthy of adoration." 
 
:And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. 
 
:And Cat would not obey Adam. 
 
:And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not 
:the supreme being. 
 
:And Adam learned humility. 
 
:And God was pleased. 
 
:And Adam was greatly improved. 
 
:And Dog was happy. 
 
:And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
----
What statisticians will do to make a living...they can surely be considered the jesters of our time!
"Women's Ass Size Study"
*There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses!
*The results were pretty interesting:
*1. 	85% of women think their a*s is too big..
*2. 	10% of women think their a*s is too little...
*3. 	The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, 
he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
February 13, 2005
==life in the barnyard==
Cock-A-Doodly-Doo!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it.
So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer..."
----
[disclaimer: could be offensive to gender-oriented chickens...]
The Wiley Old Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'
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the dedicated sheep farmer
A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try aritifical insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads up the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning, he looks out at the sheep and finds that they are all still standing around. He decides to try one more time and loads them into the truck, drives them out into the woods, spends all day shagging the sheep, brings them back and falls into bed, exhausted. The next morning, he cannot even get himself out of bed. He asks his wife to look outside and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No", she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." 
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I feel the need to apologize ahead of time for this joke! It is the only joke I know from memory. And, if you are very advanced in your spiritual journey you will find the deep symbolic meaning within this joke. LOL
Okay....here it is:
What happened to the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a little fart.
Oh, come on! That was cute!
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This page is dedicated to Fred Scriven and KnowMystery