Episode 108: Paul Williams/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 108: Paul Williams.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	New York is so crowded, even the cemeteries have standing room only.
 	He takes off his hat and wiggles his ears. The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Paul Williams!
 	Paul grins and nods as Muppets surround him.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	When Gonzo strikes the O, the effect reverberates through him.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, good friends. Hey, we got a great show for you tonight. Our special guest is Mr. Paul Williams, singer, composer, actor and all-around good guy, and we're not gonna do any jokes about his size. But, he's such a cute little fella, we're gonna make him an honorary Muppet. (nods) But right now, let's get things started with a musical number done up in a brand-new way, "All of Me".
 	200px
 	The curtain opens on a sad Whatnot monster singing to Miss Kitty, taking himself apart and putting each part in a box.
Whatnot monster	
All of me.
Why not take all of me?
Can't you see?
I'm no good without you.
Take my lips.
I want to lose them.
Take my arms.
I'll never use them.
 	
Whatnot monster	
Your goodbye …
Left me with eyes that cry — here, take them, too.
How can I …
Go on, dear, without you?
You took the part 
That once was my heart,
So why not take all of me?
 	He continues to dismantle himself.
Whatnot monster	Hey! You want my hair? Well, hair it is! … Hey, you need a nose? Guaranteed not to run. … Friends, Romans and countrymen … (lends his ears) … here. … You want to put my chest in your chest? … Here — here, let me give you a hand!
 	
 	Big finish.
Whatnot monster	
You took the part 
That once was my heart,
So, why not take, why not take, 
Why not take all of me?
 	He throws his hand into the chest — that's all of him. Miss Kitty closes the chest and laughs.
==Backstage==
 	Miss Kitty walks past Fozzie with the chest and cackles. Fozzie reads from a paper.
Fozzie 	Uh … "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!" No, "Hark, the cannons r—" Ugh!
 	Enter Scooter.
Scooter	Hi, Fozz, What's wrong? You look worried.
Fozzie 	Uh, well see, it's my new act. I hope it works.
Scooter	Oh, come on, you're the greatest!
Fozzie 	Yeah?
Scooter	Yeah, you're always good. Besides, you're on soon. Now is no time to panic.
Fozzie 	Oh, well, see, I got ten minutes of jokes here on the War of 1812.
Scooter	Now is the time to panic.
Fozzie 	(groans)
Scooter	Listen, if you're really in trouble, why don't you just use the old telephone pole bit?
 	
Fozzie 	"The old telephone pole bit?"
Scooter	Oh, yeah, it's the best.
Fozzie 	Well, I don't know it. How does it — ?
Scooter	It's a classic!
Fozzie 	It's a classic?
Scooter	Yeah!
Fozzie 	Oh! Oh! Terrific. I can use it. Tell me, what is it, what is it, what is it?
Scooter	Okay, okay. The curtains open …
Fozzie 	The curtains open!
Scooter	The audience is there …
Fozzie 	The audience is there!
Scooter	There we are together, on stage! You and I …
Fozzie 	There we are together — Hold it! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho … "We?"
Scooter	Well, yeah.
Fozzie 	No, you don't understand. You see, I am a stand-up bear.
Scooter	Uh-huh.
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah. See, I— I work alone. I tell the jokes on stage alone.
Scooter	Ha-ha, no, you don't tell jokes in the telephone pole bit.
Fozzie 	Why not?
Scooter	Well, you're the telephone pole.
Kermit 	(passing by) Cute. Cute idea.
Fozzie 	(to Kermit) We'll see.
=="An Old Fashioned Love Song"==
Kermit 	OK, right now, friends, it is my great pleasure to introduce one of the most talented people in our business - and it's a real treat to have him with us on The Muppet Show - Mr. Paul Williams.
 	
 	As Paul sings "An Old Fashioned Love Song," he is joined by two caricatures of himself and the Gogolala Jubilee Jugband.
 	
Waldorf	Bravo!
Statler	Encore!
Waldorf	Bravo!
Statler	Encore!
Waldorf	(chuckles) He's a credit to his race.
Statler	What race is that?
Waldorf	The hundred-yard dash.
 	They chuckle.
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Folks, let me take just one moment of your time to acquaint you with a fascinating new product. It's Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer. (displays a tin shaker) Now, you can use it on all sorts of dishes. For example, dishes like this one here.
 	He breaks a dish against the counter.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Whoo, that's one of the problems with dishes, isn't it? They do tend to break. But if you had used All-Purpose Tenderizer in such fashion as this … (sprinkles powder on another dish) … your dish would have been as tender as this …
 	He folds up the dish like a piece of paper and presses it against his cheek.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, it sets me all aquiver! (kisses it and puts it down) Well, it's lovely. And what it does for dishes it can do for utensils too. Watch.
 	He sprinkles powder on a metallic soup ladle.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Only takes a second …
 	
 	He holds up the ladle and watches it droop.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	So there it is. Muppets All-Purpose Tenderizer. It's new from Muppet Labs.
 	He feels the top of the table, noticing how rubbery it is.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, goodness. Okay, who's the smarty-pants who tenderized the table? I mean it! (pokes at it some more)
Waldorf 	Science, huh? They can put a man on the moon.
Statler 	Huh. Yeah, but they can't put a moon on a man! (laughs)
==A Poem by Rowlf==
 	Rowlf stands in a patio area.
 	
Rowlf 	"Silence." A poem by Rowlf. That's me.
Silence. Hear the nothingness.
Listen to the quietness of everlasting space.
Down the winding velvet corridors of time it sweeps … 
And sweeps … and sw —
 	He pauses, as George the janitor sweeps the floor behind him.
Rowlf 	And sweeps away the sound of creatures crying in the night.
 	Behind him, a bird walks by and squawks loudly.
Rowlf 	(catching up) "creatures crying in the night—"
And cry we must, for we have tasted the forbidden fruit.
 	The bird continues squawking. Miss Piggy walks by, munching on an apple.
Rowlf 	But lo, lo, the faceless names … the —
 	George walks in front of him, sweeping.
Rowlf 	…faceless names, nameless faces, whisper of our woes … that …
 	Zoot and Janice pass by, whispering to each other.
Rowlf 	
But over all, over all, the blessed silence falls.
Sweet serpentines of silence singing their sad song.
 	Behind him, Wanda enters, ululating scales.
Rowlf 	Out of the silence and dark, we build the music, silent music.
 	Scooter shows up with a transistor radio, dancing to the music. Rowlf becomes more exasperated.
Rowlf 	And the endless emptiness of emptiness drumming in our ears.
 	Animal shows up, playing the drums. Rowlf finally loses his cool.
 	
Rowlf 	Will you all get out of here?!
 	They all exit as Rowlf collects himself.
Rowlf 	
But in … in the end … all is silence.
Quiet … silent ways. All still.
 	Enter Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, could you hold it down, Rowlf? We're trying to do a show here.
 	Rowlf breaks down and sobs into a handkerchief. Kermit scowls and walks off.
==Blackout==
 	Paul stands on the proscenium and addresses the audience.
Paul	You know, when they asked me to do the show, I was delighted. This is a great show to do. I have a special reason for being very excited. You see … except for me, the entire cast is Muppets. Muppets are little, tiny things, and for the first time in my life, no one will make jokes about how short I am. For the first time in my life, I am the tallest person on the show.
 	
 	He is surrounded by three tall characters.
Paul	For the first time in my life, I will cry in front of 30 million people.
 	They hug him.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie stands still.
Fozzie 	(monotonously) I am a telephone pole. (hums)
 	Enter Hilda.
Hilda 	Fozzie, what are you doing?
Fozzie 	It's my new act with Scooter. I'm practicing to be a telephone pole. (hums)
Hilda 	That's ridiculous. You don't look like a telephone pole. No one would believe you were a telephone pole.
 	A telephone man walks by, wrapping some wire around Fozzie's nose.
Telephone man	(singing) I am a lineman for the county …
 	
Hilda 	… on the other hand, what do I know about telephone poles?
 	She walks off. Fozzie continues to stand still.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred.
George the janitor	Huh. I'll be darned. You say that's your boy? Huh. How could you have a son that age?
Mildred 	I didn't. When I had him, he was just a baby.
 	Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Pig 	Oh, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are more beautiful than the summer days.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	You know, there's a lot of ham in you. (laughs)
 	
Janice 	That man is annoying me.
Zoot 	He isn't even looking at you.
Janice 	That's what's annoying me.
 	
Loud lady 	(loudly) I can't understand it! I just can't seem to hold on to a job! My last one only lasted for ten minutes!
Green man 	Yeah? What were you doing?
Loud lady 	(loudly) I was a librarian!
 	Animal dances with a woman.
Animal 	Hey, you wanna take a trip?
Woman 	Sure, I'd love to.
Animal 	Okay! Hang on!
 	They get a running start, and fall over. Animal grins, picks her up and continues dancing.
==UK Spot==
	
	Mary Louise leads the frogs in a performance of "I'm in Love with a Big Blue Frog". After the number, Statler and Waldorf imitate the frogs.
==Talk Spot==
 	Kermit and Paul sit together at the regular "Talk Spot" wall.
Kermit	Well, Paul, listen. Listen, Paul. I just want to say what a real thrill it is to have you on the show!
Paul 	Yes, that's very kind of you, Kermit. Thank you.
Kermit	Yeah, and you know what? You're not gonna hear any jokes your being little-bitty and small and cute and all that sort of thing like you are. You're not gonna hear that comin' from me.
Paul 	You promise?
Kermit	No.
Paul 	Us little guys gotta stick together.
Kermit	Oh, yeah, listen. And besides that, there have been a lotta famous people who were small in size.
Paul 	It's true.
Kermit	Sure, like Napoleon!
Paul 	Uh, Truman Capote?
Kermit	Uh, Mickey Rooney!
Paul 	Tom Thumb.
Kermit	Not to mention the legendary Wally Blatner.
 	
Paul 	Wally Blatner, a fav-who is Wally Blatner?
Kermit	Oh, he invented the elevator shoe.
Paul 	The elevator-really?
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Paul 	Lifts, right?
Kermit	Right, right.
Paul 	Whatever happened to ol' Wally?
Kermit	Well, one day, somebody pressed his down button and he was never seen again.
Paul 	Down button...oh, I get it. You mean he...
 	Paul points downward. Kermit squishes his body down, imitating a mechanical noise.
Kermit	Just like that.
Paul 	That's terrible. That's terrible.
Kermit	(resuming his normal position) Yeah, if you think that was terrible, what about the twelve people who were riding with him?
Paul 	(laughs) The most ludicrous story...I mean, even told by a frog, that's-that's...that's ridiculous.
Kermit	Really? Hey, do you wear lifts?
Paul 	(shrugs) Sometimes, yeah.
Kermit	Oh yeah? Going up!
 	Kermit pushes Paul's nose and Paul ascends above.
Kermit	Now Paul is someone everyone can look up to. (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie continues practicing standing still.
Fozzie	I am a telephone pole. I am made of solid wood. I am a telephone pole. I am made of solid wood.
 	
 	A woodpecker starts pecking his face.
Fozzie	I am too talented for my own good. Will you please?
 	Fozzie shoos the bird away with his hat.
==Travel Agent==
 	Paul is seen working at a travel agency, talking on the phone with a client.
Paul 	Yes, ma'am, you are confirmed: two tickets to New York City. Thank you.
 	Beautiful Day Monster enters, scatting.
Beautiful Day Monster	Hello.
Paul 	Hello!
Beautiful Day Monster	I want to go to Pittsburg!
Paul 	I can send you to Pittsburg first class on a supersonic jet for $764.
Beautiful Day Monster	Uh, you got anything cheaper?
Paul 	Well, I can send you to Pittsburgh coach class on a subsonic jet for 511.
Beautiful Day Monster	Uh, you got anything cheaper?
Paul 	I can send you to Pittsburgh excursion economy in an old prop job for about 398.
 	
Beautiful Day Monster	Uh, you got anything cheaper?
Paul 	Yeah. I could send you to Pittsburgh standing-room only on a broken-down old bus for about 75 bucks.
Beautiful Day Monster	Uh, you got anything cheaper?!
Paul 	(chuckles) Yeah, I think I can work somethin' out for ya', pal!
 	
 	Paul pulls a lever attached to his desk. A 5,000 pound weight falls onto Beautiful Day Monster. It slowly rises back up, where the monster has been completely flattened underneath. Paul picks him up.
Paul 	Hey, Charlie. You wanna mail this to Pittsburg?
 	Paul tosses the monster away like a frisbee.
==Talking Houses==
 	Zoom in on the two left houses.
 	
House 1	My mother is very religious.
House 2	She's a fanatic?
House 1	No, she's a church.
 	Zoom out. Musical button.
==Wayne and Wanda==
 	Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle	And here they are now, my kind of people. Wayne and Wanda!
 	
 	The curtain opens. Wanda lays in a box, as Wayne saws her in half. Music swells up.
Wanda 	
Youuuuuu doooooo
Something to me — Oww! Ow!
==Muppet Newsflash==
 	The Newsman rushes in.
Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash! Arnold Stockman, a retired shoe salesman, recently had a most unusual experience and we here at Muppet News Central feel it is a story that should be shared with everyone! Here in his own words is Mr. Stockman to tell you of this most bizarre event!
 	Mr. Stockman (Paul) appears on screen.
Paul 	Well, it was about a week ago...
Newsman	Mm-hmm.
Paul 	And...I was sitting at home watchin' television. Must have been about nine o'clock.
Newsman	Mm-hmm.
Paul 	Suddenly, the phone rang. Well, I picked it up...
Newsman	Hm.
Paul 	...but, there wasn't anybody there. So, I hung up and then I went back to watchin' the television. (beat) Darndest thing.
 	
Newsman	Whatever unusual events occur, you'll hear it first on Muppet News! (frowns)
==Backstage==
 	Scooter reads some notes in Kermit's office space.
Scooter 	Boy, my uncle'll be really interested in this.
Kermit 	(rushing in) Uh, that-that's private business here, Scooter, uh.
Scooter 	Uh, sorry.
Kermit 	Oh, an-and by the way, you guys are really gonna do the ol' telephone pole bit?
Scooter 	That's right, chief! (salutes)
Kermit 	Lots o' luck.
 	Kermit exits. Fozzie appears at the door.
Fozzie 	Scooter?
Scooter 	Hmm?
 	
Fozzie 	I won't do it.
Scooter 	What?!
Fozzie 	I just found out what the telephone pole bit is and I will not do it! (slams door)
Scooter 	Oh, come on. Fozzie, come on! (knocking) We're on now! Besides, we'll be terrific!
 	Fozzie opens the door and the two start walking toward the stage.
Fozzie 	Scooter, we will not be terrific. We will die out there. Dieee!
Scooter 	Of course we're not gonna "dieee." What makes you think we're gonna die?
 	Fozzie spots a pair of vulture-like Frackles sitting on the second floor railing.
 	
Fozzie 	Just a hunch. (moans and exits)
Frackles	(squawking)
==The Telephone Pole Sketch==
 	Kermit enters onstage.
Kermit 	Well, folks. We got a little something different for you tonight in the ol' comedy spot. Our own Fozzie Bear is being joined by our gofer Scooter. And here they are doing that classic sketch, the telephone pole bit!
 	Kermit walks out as the curtain opens with a fanfare. Fozzie is wearing a pay phone costume, with Scooter standing beside him wearing his hat.
Scooter	Hel-lo! And what's your name?
Fozzie 	Mike Oznowiczski.
 	
Scooter	Oh, so you're the telephone Pole!
 	Music plays as the curtain closes.
Statler	Good old Fozzie. He's never been better!
Waldorf	Or shorter.
Statler	Same difference. (both laugh)
Waldorf	Hey, shhh.
Statler	Oh.
=="Sad Song"==
	
	Paul sings "Sad Song," accompanied by Rowlf, Floyd, Animal, Zoot and a Muppet chorus.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's about the end of the show, folks. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Mr. Paul Williams!
 	Paul enters to applause.
Paul 	Thank you. Thank you, Kermit, I-I've loved every minute of it, little guy. (chuckles)
 	Thog and Sweetums appear beside Paul. Thog chuckles.
 	
Paul 	(clears throat) Except, of course, for the parts that I hated, ya' know.
Kermit 	Sorry about that, Paul. Hey, but, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around Paul as the closing theme begins.
Waldorf	Eh, this show is good for what ails me.
Statler	Yeah, well, what ails you?
Waldorf	Insomnia.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts