Episode 105: First Show/transcript

==Cold open / Jim's Introduction==
 	Open on Muppet Central. Leon is introducing the show, catching Gonzo's attention.
Leon 	Hello, and welcome to The Jim Henson Hour. We'll start out tonight with the car chase of the week, followed by the very small swimsuit show, guaranteed to win friends.
Kermit 	(Enters) Uh, Leon! Who put you in charge here?
Leon 	Oh, sorry cuz. Just filling in till you got here.
Gonzo 	How small?
Kermit & Leon	What?
Gonzo 	Leon's swimsuit show, I'm just wondering how small they were gonna be.
Leon 	Ix-nay, ix-nay-- not in front of the og-fray.
Kermit 	Uh Digit! Standby to roll the opening!
Digit 	Oh, standing by.
Kermit 	Okay, roll the opening!
Digit 	Rolling the opening. (Repeats the phrase 4x until Leon pushes him.) Thank you.
Kermit 	Are, are you okay?
Digit 	Oh yes, it was just a scratch. (Presses button)
 	The opening titles roll. Jim enters home base.
Jim 	Good evening, and welcome to our show. And that goes for you too. How are you tonight? (Pets the Lion) Later in the hour, we'll be seeing "Miss Piggy's Hollywood" with Dudley Moore, Justine Bateman, George Wendt, and Bob Hope. It's an inside look at tinsel town shown to us by the lady herself.
 	A clip is shown as a teaser.
Jim 	But before that, we go to Muppet Central. Now that's the giant television control room run by Kermit the Frog. Kermit has just about every satellite feed on earth available to him. And he plans to pick and choose the best. For instance, I know that Bobby McFerrin is the guest star. Kermit, what else is happening?
Kermit 	Oh, well I'm glad you asked. Let me show you some highlights.
 	He tries to type but the computer short-circuits causing him to yelp.
Kermit 	Oh, my goodness! We've got to get this fixed.
 	Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 1==
===Opening number===
Digit 	Kermit?
Kermit 	Yeah?
Digit 	The tapes are cued up, the satellite links are open...
Kermit 	I'm over here.
Digit 	Oh. And the computer is on line.
Kermit 	Oh good. Then I can get started, right?
Digit 	No!
Kermit 	No? What's wrong?
Digit 	Oh, that was a mistake. I meant "No" it just came out "Yes."
Kermit 	Actually, it came out "No."
Digit 	Well, I'm experiencing a small, short circuit in my own personal electronics, Kermit. You see, it's a minor glitch in my voice relater... and when I say "No," I mean "Yes" and vice versa.
Kermit 	That's terrible.
Digit 	No.
Kermit 	Is it permanent?
Digit 	Yes.
Kermit 	Well that's good. Hey, is Bobby Mcferrin's opening number cued up on monitor 12?
Digit 	No.
Kermit 	Terrific. Cue Bobby McFerrin.
 	Digit presses button cuing up opening number. Bobby McFerrin is walking along scatting, when he comes across a building with graffiti on the wall. As the number goes on, one-by-one, Graffiti Muppets jump off the wall and perform with him. Soon, McFerrin has them repeat after him and they all do a scat number. From above, Statler and Waldorf watch. Soon the Graffiti characters exit, leaving McFerrin alone. Once he notices, he jumps on the wall and turns into graffiti.
Waldorf	You know what they call a number like that? "Off the wall!" (He and Statler laugh)
 	Back at the studio, Kermit reviews the previous number as Vicki watches.
Kermit 	Okay, and Bobby Mcferrin sang. And that was real nice. And, uh... Vicki, what are you doing?
Vicki 	Oh, I just love watching creative people work.
Kermit 	Oh.
Vicki 	What is it you do exactly?
Kermit 	Uh, well you see, there are tv signals from all over the universe here, and I have to decide which ones to put on the show.
Vicki 	Oh. And not just any old show. I mean, as a child, I used to watch The Muppet Show all the time.
Kermit 	Well, we don't need to go into that.
Vicki 	Of course, I don't remember much, I was so young.
Kermit 	Vicki, please.
Vicki 	But my day care center just loved the bear who told the jokes.
Kermit 	Vicky, work, now!
Vicki 	Yes sir, going, right! (Exits)
Kermit 	Uh, Digit!
Digit 	Yes!
Kermit 	Digit, are you ready to cue the nature documentary?
Digit 	Yes.
Kermit 	But that's terrible.
Digit 	(Enters while bumping into the monitor) Why?
Kermit 	Because, when you say "Yes," you mean "No."
Digit 	No, no, no, I fixed my voice relay.
Kermit 	And now your motor reflexes are shorting out?
Digit 	You know me too well.
Kermit 	Well, can you just cue the documentary?
Digit 	I can if I can find the button. Oh, I know.
 	Runs into the button, cueing up the next sketch.
===Nature Documentary===
 	In a forest, a documentarian narrates the actions.
Documentarian 	Here in the forest glade, different species coexist in a delicate web of interdependence. Yes, the subtle balance of the woodland scene is a vivid example of a society living in harmony with itself.
 	Machine guns fire from butterflies. One shoots another out of the sky and into a pond. One a battleground caterpillars speak gibberish as they go into war. As sirens blare, they set up the machine gun.
Caterpillar (DG)	Fire!
 	They fire away at the butterfly. Then they cheer.
Documentarian 	Yes, in nature's university, we gain a new reverence for life.
 	Cheering fades away for he accidently steps on the caterpillars.
Documentarian 	Sorry.
 	Back at the studio, Kermit reacts negatively to the documentary.
Kermit 	Ooh, that was brutal and destructive and...
Vicki 	And the ratings were fantastic.
Kermit 	What ratings?
Vicki 	As soon as things got really violent, the whole world was watching our show.
Kermit 	That's good. That's bad! Or it's too bad that it was good? Isn't there anything anybody likes watching other than violence?
Leon 	Yes, there is one other thing that people go for in a really big way --Heh-heh-heh-- girls strutting! Ho!
Gonzo 	Actually, Kermit, it was my idea.
Kermit 	(Yells) Will you get out of here! Get out! Out, out! everybody! I'm going to get to the bottom of this rating business. Vicki!
Vicki 	Yes, sir.
Kermit 	Vicki would you explain this system here?
Vicki 	Oh, certainly. Well, you see, figures from all over the world pour into Muppet Central. Now these charts indicate which people are watching according to groups.
Kermit 	Uh-huh.
Vicki 	Men, women, youths, retirees, black, brown, yellow, green...
Kermit 	Thank you.
Vicki 	You're welcome. College graduates, blue-collar workers, and a Mr. Harry Stapleton.
Kermit 	Oh yeah. Hi there. These charts are fascinating, but uh, why are they all falling?
Vicki 	Oh. Well, viewers hate watching people talk about charts.
Kermit 	(Yelps) Digit, what have we got that we could to cut to?!
Digit 	It's a yuppie drama about a young married couple.
Kermit 	What's it called?
Digit 	"Hurting Something."
Kermit 	Worth a shot.
 	Digit presses button cueing up next sketch.
===Hurting Something===
 	The sketch begins a bedroom that seems normal. But the couple are actually weird monsters.
Fern 	I mean I don't see why I can't be a competent successful executive and still be a woman. Ah, that's better. And underneath your polished corporate exterior, I know there's a frightened little boy just dying to get out. Anthony?
Anthony 	Hmm?
Fern 	(Sighs) Never mind. I'm gonna take a bath.
Anthony 	Okay, honey.
Fern 	(Screams)
Anthony 	Sure thing, honey.
 	Fern is gasping in the bathroom when Anthony enters.
Anthony 	Fern? Fern, what's going on?
Fern 	There's one of those things in the tub!
Anthony 	Oh, it's a nasty one.
Fern 	It is, isn't it?
Anthony 	Yeah, it looks like one of those big-city brokers.
Fern 	Ugh, it's disgusting. Quick, wash it down the drain.
Anthony 	Now, Fern, you know it's bad luck to kill one. I'll just uh, oh, catch it in this, and put then it outside. Come here, little fellow...Got you!
Fern 	Can I look yet?
Anthony 	Actually, on second thought, I think it's only a common lawyer.
Lawyer 	I'll litigate!
Fern 	Ugh, look at its legs. How do you suppose it got in here?
Anthony 	Oh, probably through a loophole. Oh, that tickles.
Fern 	Yuck! How can you stand to touch it?
Anthony 	Oh, don't be such a little girl. Look, here, it won't hurt you.
Fern 	Stop it!
Anthony 	Wait a minute. Where did it go? Looks like he got away. Aaaah! There he is!
Fern 	Anthony, please just take it away!
Anthony 	Oh, okay. I'll just put you outside where you belong. There you go. You'll be safe in the bushes. No, Bruno, leave him alone! Stay! Good boy.
 	Scene transitions to them in bed.
Fern 	Well, it wasn't funny.
Anthony 	I was only teasing.
Fern 	Teasing? Teasing is just a way of trivializing my fears at a time in my life when I am trying to work through them.
Anthony 	I was being insensitive.
 	They hear scraping at door.
Fern 	There's Bruno. He wants to come in.
Anthony 	What do you say? Just this once?
Fern 	Oh, yes.
 	They open door letting their giant pet spider, Bruno in.
Anthony 	Oh, there's Bruno.
Fern 	Hello, Bruno!
Anthony 	Come on up. Come on up.
Fern 	Oh, what a good boy! Oh, that's a good boy!
 	Back at the studio, where Kermit and Vicki watch.
Kermit 	How are the ratings on that, Vicki?
Vicki 	Well, sir, we had the whole west coast and Mr. Harry Stapleton.
Kermit 	All These demographics are really tough. I don't know what to put on.
Bean Bunny	Hi, Kermit, I'm here.
Kermit 	Oh, hi, Bean.
Bean Bunny	I brought a balloon with me. Say hello to Mr. Balloon.
Kermit 	You see, we hired bean to be cute, so the rest of us don't have to bother.
Bean Bunny	Aw, you didn't say hello to him. Now you hurt his feelings.
Kermit 	Uh, Bean, balloons do not have feelings, so just go. Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Bean Bunny	Bye-bye! (Exits)
Kermit 	That's the last thing I need. You know this rating is really kinda...
Vicki 	Wow, look at those ratings! Those are the best we've ever had!
Kermit 	Uh, Bean! Bean! Come back, bean!
 	But only the balloon came sputtering back.
Vicki 	Hmm. Oh, time for a commercial, Mr. Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh, well, well, fine. Uh, listen, after these messages, we'll be back with a lot of great funny sketches, and some neat songs, and maybe some sex.
Vicki 	What?
Kermit 	Well, just a little sex. But all of it starring Bean Bunny!
Vicki 	Oh, brother.
 	The ratings rise again. Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 2==
===Talk with Miss Piggy===
 	Open on Gonzo watching the high ratings.
Gonzo 	Whoa, look at those ratings! Fantastic! I guess you people really love commercials. Oh, hi, Kermit. Any luck?
Kermit 	No, I couldn't find Bean Bunny anywhere.
 	The ratings drop as Vicki brings in the ringing telephone.
Vicki 	Telephone.
Gonzo 	I'll get it. Hello, Muppet Central, The Great Gonzo speaking. Hi, Miss Piggy.
Kermit 	(Notices the ratings rise again) Good grief! Look what just happened to the ratings.
Gonzo 	(On the phone) Just a minute. (To Kermit) I seen it happen when I said Miss Piggy.
Kermit 	Boy, we could use her right now.
Gonzo 	Well why don't we?
Kermit 	Well you see, Piggy gave up television to pursue her career as a famous Hollywood film star.
Gonzo 	I know that. (On the phone) Well, no messages for you, and nobody wants to talk to you Miss Piggy.
Kermit 	Wait a second, I do. Let me have the phone there. Hello, Piggy, this is Kermit...the Frog.
 	The scenes alternates from Kermit in the studio to Piggy at a phone booth, a man is waiting impatiently.
Miss Piggy 	Oh Kermie, darling, how is the show doing dear?
Kermit 	Uh, well actually, at the moment, not terrific. Uh we could use a little boost in the rating. Would you like to be on the show?
Miss Piggy 	Kermie, I am working on a documentary, but it's not quite ready yet.
Kermit 	Oh, oh, rats.
Miss Piggy 	It's all about my Hollywood. As a matter of fact, right now, I'm taking a meeting at the hotel pool. We're putting together tres exciting cinema project.
Impatient Man	Look, pig, you gonna be all day? I've got to phone my old lady.
Kermit 	Uh, who was that, Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	That was uh, Sylvester Stallone. You know how impatient he can be. Just a minute, sly.
Kermit 	Piggy, can't we run your Hollywood show now?
Impatient Man	Look, pig, if my old lady don't hear from me regular...
Miss Piggy 	Kermie, Clint and Dustin just arrived, so I have to run. Call me and we'll do lunch. Love you, kissy kissy, ciao. (To man) Are you hoping to have children someday?
===Gorilla Television===
 	In the studio, Kermit hangs up.
Vicki 	Wow, I don't believe it! Miss Piggy, I just heard. The star of the old Muppet Show on this phone! Wow! Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. She dumped you, didn't she?
Kermit 	She did not dump me. We didn't have the kind of relationship to...
 	As Kermit talks the transmission starts getting interrupted by Gorilla Television.
Digit 	Kermit! Somebody's jamming our signal.
Kermit 	Well, can you stop it?
Digit 	Yes and no.
 	The scenes changes to Gorilla Television. Zondra, Ubu, and Chip run the show.
Chip 	Oh, I get it. Now we're on.
Ubu 	Ah. Okay, this is Gorilla Television. And we're transmitting to you from a top-secret location.
Zondra 	Unlike the commercial mush you've been watching, we bring you stuff the networks were afraid to put on the air. Chip, pan over.
Chip 	Okay. Is that wide enough?
Zondra 	This is Marc Weiner.
Marc 	Hi.
Rocko 	And I'm Rocko.
Marc 	And this is Rocko.
Rocko 	Shut up, Weiner.
Ubu 	This guy knows what it's like to be on the streets with nowhere to go.
Zondra 	A man who decided to become an entertainer so that the little children could hear the political message he carries.
Marc 	Right.
Zondra 	And yet you resist the lure of commercial success...
 	Everyone spits except Marc.
Marc 	I'll pass.
Zondra 	...as represented by Jim Henson and his ilk.
Marc 	Oh, hold on right there. You know, I think Jim Henson's great.
Rocko 	What a wuss!
Ubu 	Lighten up, Rocko. Why don't you just do your act? Ta da!
Marc 	So, I can begin now?
Ubu 	You keep out of this, Weiner
Marc 	Sorry.
Rocko 	Which camera? C'mon which cam?
Chip 	This one here.
Rocko 	All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I, The Great Rocko, will now transmit myself, via satellite, from the red box to the blue box and back again. This trick has only been done once, and the guy died...
Zondra & Ubu	Ooh.
Rocko 	...20 years later. I am now stepping into the red box. One, two, three, I am now in the blue box.
Ubu 	Whoa!
Rocko 	And one, two, three... I'm back. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thank you.
Zondra 	That was really, like, East German.
Ubu 	You don't see that on prime time.
Marc 	Hey, wait a minute. That was terrible.
Rocko 	Shut up, Weiner.
Marc 	Listen to me, you little fool. I've had about enough of this, and you are going listen to me and do everything that I command you to. You hear me? And you will give me the respect that I deserve.
Zondra 	Hey, let go of him, you fascist.
Rocko 	Are you crazy? Don't you realize how very dangerous it is to wake up someone under hypnosis? I was levitating. I could have get killed.
Zondra 	Look, squirt, I was trying to defend you.
Rocko 	Squirt! Are you calling me a squirt? Let's see what kinda man you are, huh?
Ubu 	Hey Weiner, can't you shut him up?
Rocko 	Shut me up?
Zondra 	Um, uh, this is Gorilla Television signing off.
Rocko 	Trash the place! Get Weiner!
 	Among the chaos, the signal is cut, switching back to Muppet Central with Kermit and Digit.
Digit 	Thank goodness we're back.
Kermit 	Yeah. But you know Digit, this monitor is still broken. Did you call maintenance?
Digit 	No.
Kermit 	Oh, I get it, you're saying "No" when you mean "Yes" again, yes?
Digit 	No.
Lindbergh 	Did you call for maintenance?
Digit 	No.
Kermit 	Yes. He meant "Yes."
Lindbergh 	Oh, hey Kermit. The Muppets are in production today, huh?
Kermit 	Well we're trying to be Lindbergh, but this monitor needs to be fixed.
Lindbergh 	Oh yeah. The model 14s always do that. It just takes a tiny adjustment.
Kermit 	Now wait a second. Digit, is that a good idea?
Digit 	(Shaking his head no) Yes!
Lindbergh 	Sure, this guy knows repair.
Kermit 	No, you don't understand. He's got a malfunction.
Lindbergh 	Oh, okay. We'll take care of him in a minute. Here goes. (Hits the monitor with a sledgehammer)
Kermit 	I don't believe it. He fixed it.
Lindbergh 	Now, Digit, you're next.
Kermit 	No, no!
Digit 	Yes, yes! Oh, please, yes!
Lindbergh 	Do you believe these show people?
Kermit 	Wait a second.
Digit 	Yes, yes. Oh, yes!
 	Banging, smashing, and crashing is heard.
Kermit 	Digit, are you all right?
Digit 	Yes, I'm... Kermit, I'm fixed.
Lindbergh 	Next time you'll know how to do it yourself.
Kermit 	(Notices the monitor) Oh, look, it's Bobby McFerrin. Cue Bobby.
 	Digit presses button cueing Bobby.
===Music News===
Bobby 	Hi, I'm Bobby McFerrin and tonight I'll be reading the music news, aided by an interpreter for the totally unhip. (Scats)
Newsman	Seems like there was some kind of earthquake today...
Bobby 	(Scat singing) ♪ Biji Wiji.♪
Newsman	On the tropical island of... what was it?
Bobby 	♪ Biji Wiji. ♪
Newsman	Biji Wiji.
Bobby 	(Scat singing)
Newsman	The quaking and shaking lasted for only a few minutes.
Bobby 	(Scat singing)
Newsman	Nobody was hurt.
Bobby 	(Scat singing)
Newsman	But it took four days to clean up all the coconuts.
 	Coconuts fall on the Newsman as McFerrin laughs.
Bobby 	I'm Bobby McFerrin, and that's the, uh... (Coconuts fall on McFerrin) Wait a minute, what's going on here?
===Response O-Matic===
 	Back at the studio
Kermit 	Good old Bobby. I'll bet that'll make the rating charts go up.
Vicki 	Forget the charts, Mr. Kermit. Waldo's got a great idea.
Kermit 	Oh really? What is it, waldo?
Waldo 	I've just invented something that will make that rating system... (Turns into an...) old hat.
Kermit 	Waldo, must you do that?
Vicki 	Well, he's a computer graphic but, he's very sensitive about it.
Waldo 	I tell you, that rating system you've been using is a dinosaur. (Turns into a dinosaur and roars.) But welcome to "The Cutting Edge." (Turns into an electric saw)
Kermit 	Ahh! Careful.
Vicki 	Waldo. Come on, Waldo. No, oh!
Kermit 	Waldo. Waldo, will you cut that out?
Waldo 	Sorry. Nervous habit. Okay, I'm going into the computer. Vicki, you tell the frog here what it is we're doing.
Kermit 	Uh, uh Vicki, tell the frog what it is we're doing.
Vicki 	Okay, well come over here and I'll show you. We call it the response-omatic.
Kermit 	Huh?
Vicki 	You see, Waldo is fixing the computer so that it will instantly adapt our programming to what the viewers want.
Kermit 	Wait a second, picking out programs is "my" job.
Vicki 	Oh, so that's what you do. Anyway, the response-omatic will do all that using up-to-the-second ratings. Now you see, it starts in the soap opera mode.
 	The scene switches to a soap opera with Link Hogthrob and a woman.
Woman (FB) 	Don't worry, darling. As soon as your sister realizes that you weren't the one who sabotaged the brakes on your mother's wheelchair. I'm sure she'll return.
Link 	Oh, if only I hadn't left her on top of that hill.
 	Suddenly an alarm sounds as it cuts back to the studio.
Kermit 	What was that?
Vicki 	Well sir, that was a ratings alarm. The data indicate that viewers are not keen on soap operas and are more interested in game shows.
Kermit 	So, what happens?
Vicki 	Watch.
 	Cuts back to the show.
Link 	That was mom all over.
Man (SW) 	We just heard from your sister. She's in Sydney.
Link 	Sydney? But that's in Australia.
 	Soap opera changes into game show with a host named Bob.
Bob 	That's right. Sydney is located in Australia. Now, for 20 points, what request did Oliver North make of President Reagan?
Link 	Pardon me?
Bob 	Exactly right! You're our new champion. Let's meet our next challenger. He's Red Dorfman from Oak Bark, Michigan. Red, tell us about yourself.
Gonzo 	Well, Bob, I'm... (Alarm sounds again, changing from game show to crime scene) ... In pursuit of a 10-14: Northbound on Elm. My partner is returning fire.
Link 	I am?
Gonzo 	The gun. Pick up the gun.
Link 	What do I need a gun for?
 	Gunshots
Gonzo 	That's why. Cover me.
Link 	Cover you? With what? (Gunshots continue) I don't understand.
 	(Alarm sounds again, with the crime scene change to spaceship.)
Captain (KC) 	You mean you don't understand why you have violated federation territory?
First Mate (RM)	Captain, the saturnian ship has just armed its ray guns.
Captain (KC) 	So it's battle you want.
Link 	Well, yes... I mean...
Kermit 	(From the studio) Hold it! Wait! Stop! Cut!
 	They look at the screen as the scene freezes.
===Closing number===
 	Back at the studio.
Vicki 	But, but Mr. Kermit, it was going so well.
Kermit 	Vicki, we can't have a machine decide what's going to be on our show.
Mr. Harry Stapleton	(Taps the screen) Listen to the frog. He's right.
Kermit 	Well, thank you. I mean like right now at the end of the show, what we need a nice, happy...
Mr. Harry Stapleton	Rousing.
Kermit 	Rousing...
Mr. Harry Stapleton	Warm.
Kermit 	...Warm musical number with the whole Muppet family.
Vicki 	But we don't have anything prepared.
Bean Bunny 	(Enters in Spanish outfit) I thought it might come to this. There's a little something I've worked out.
Kermit 	Well, what's that, Bean?
Bean Bunny 	La Bamba!
Kermit 	La Bamba? Why not?
 	Bean Bunny and the cast perform "La Bamba." Other sketches perform the tune as well, ending up in a Mexican style restaurant where everyone dances. Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling. Kermit watches the whole thing from the studio.
Kermit 	Yeah, something like that could work.
 	The song continues until blackout.
==Miss Piggy's Hollywood Intro==
 	Open on Jim with the lion. The lion is wearing shades
Jim	So here we are, ready for the second half of our show. You look very cool in those. I'm sure nobody's going to recognize you. Took me a long time to get him to wear them. But it only seems right because we're going to Hollywood. After all, it's always best to do what the natives do. (Puts on shades) So now that we're ready, let's take a look at Miss Piggy's Hollywood.
==Miss Piggy's Hollywood==
===Act One===
 	Drumroll. The opening theme of the special plays with a montage of Miss Piggy in various Hollywood sites. An instrumental version of "Hooray for Hollywood" plays in the background.
Announcer (JN) 	Miss Piggy presents, a Miss Piggy production, from a Miss Piggy concept, Miss Piggy's Hollywood! Starring Miss Piggy! With a special report from Fozzie Bear! And the Great Gonzo!
Gonzo 	Ha!
Miss Piggy 	Gonzo, this is the opening to my show.
Gonzo 	Yes, and it's going very well, don't you think?
 	Cuts to the front of the Hollywood sign.
Miss Piggy 	Good evening, dear fans. And welcome to Moi's Hollywood. Won't vous hop on board this tres lovely automobile with my chauffeur and bodyguard and personal trainer, Lars? Is he not cute? Join us now as we visit such exciting Hollywood sights as the La Brea Tar Pits, Mann's Chinese Laundry, The Hollywood Ear Wax Museum... excuse me. (Clears throat) Gonzo, let me see those cards. What is this?
Gonzo 	Important Hollywood sights. You're lucky to have an associate producer such refined taste.
Miss Piggy 	Of course, the only reason Gonzo is working on Moi's show, is that he was willing to fly to L.A. as baggage.
Gonzo 	Actually, I prefer to fly as baggage. (Laughs)
Miss Piggy 	Uh, yeah, right. Uh, now, let us take a driving tour of the stars' hometown, Hollywood. Step on it, cuddles.
 	Lars starts driving. Miss Piggy falls off screaming.
Gonzo 	Wow, what a great opening!
 	Miss Piggy giggles breathily as the scene transitions to the roads of Hollywood.
Miss Piggy 	Ah, yes, this is Hollywood where the dreams you dare to dream really do come true. Here we stars live as one big happy, fabulous family. In our town it is very common for a member of the family of stars such as Moi self, to drop in on another star to chat or perhaps to borrow a cup of sugar.
 	Cuts to the front of a house.
Miss Piggy 	Here we are at a typical fabulous mansion of a typically fabulous superstar. I shall ring the bell and give you a chance to watch two superstars as we chit-chat. (Rings bell)
Gonzo 	Isn't this cool? This is so cool!
Miss Piggy 	Get out, get out, get out, get out!
Gonzo 	Oh, sorry. (Exits)
 	Miss Piggy laughs lightly and clears throat, nobody answers. She rings bell again, but the person still doesn't answer so she looks inside.
Gonzo 	Can you see anybody?
Miss Piggy 	Gonzo, I thought you were going to call ahead.
Gonzo 	I was, but you said we could just drop in. You know "the family of the stars" thing.
Miss Piggy 	Um, it seems we have a slight technical problem. Come along, Gonzo. Who lives here, anyway?
Gonzo 	I don't know.
 	After Piggy and Gonzo left, Bob Hope answers the door.
Bob 	I came all this way for nothing. Kind of reminds me of the Oscars.
 	Scene changes to Piggy at the Chinese Theater.
Miss Piggy 	Another place to find members of the Hollywood family, of course, when they are not at home, is here in front of the famous Chinese Theater. Here on Hollywood's walk of fame, we stars enjoy visiting this charming little acknowledgement of our famousness. Hmm, here is Carole Lombard, and uh Bill Cosby, the dear Bette Midler. And here, of course is Moi.
Gonzo 	Whoa, this is great, Miss Piggy. Your star is portable. I bet none of the other stars are portable. Oh, I guess Bette Midler must be really jealous, huh?
Miss Piggy 	Uh, next we have...
Gonzo 	Old Bette's got to truck all the way down here to see hers, but you can take yours anywhere.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, uh, next on "Miss Piggy's Hollywood", we have a special report from our correspondent Fozzie Bear, standing by at Hollywood's famous nightclub, The Comedy Store. Will you put that down?!
 	Cuts to Fozzie Bear at one of L.A.'s coasts.
Fozzie 	Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm not at The Comedy Store yet. As you can see, I've just arrived on the coast. Boy, am I hungry! I think I'll have some of the sandwiches here. Get it? The "Sand which is" right here...ahhh! Back to the pig.
 	Cuts to Miss Piggy in the automobile on the way to Rodeo Drive.
Miss Piggy 	What shall we do while we wait for that report? Well, the perfect thing to do anytime is shop. And the perfect place to shop is Rodeo Drive. This will do, hugbunny. (Screams and falls in)
 	Inside Rodeo Drive.
Miss Piggy 	Just find a parking meter with some time on it already. Thank you. Oh, yes, every time is like the first time. Oooh! Oh, oh, I love it! Oh, miss, miss, yo, yo, miss.
Salesperson (KW)	May I help you?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. I wish to purchase this dress. How much is it?
Salesperson (KW)	$23,000, madam.
Miss Piggy 	Twenty-thr... Ahh. Um, oh gosh, and I wanted it in blue too.
Salesperson (KW)	We have blue, if you just step over...
Miss Piggy 	Actually, you know, I was looking for a more of a petite size.
Salesperson (KW)	We have all sizes, madam.
Miss Piggy 	Actually, you know, do you have it in polyester?
Salesperson (KW)	No, madam, I'm so sorry.
Miss Piggy 	Darn. Aaaah! Gonzo, hurry! Gonzo, a celebrity!
Gonzo 	Oh, cool! (Laughing)
 	George Wendt is with a tailor when Piggy enters screaming.
Tailor (DD) 	Madam, please.
Miss Piggy 	George, what a pleasure to see you again.
George 	Miss Piggy.
Tailor (DD) 	Madam, this is the gentlemen's dressing area.
Miss Piggy 	Hey, you mind, we're doing television here. (Clears throat) My first guest this evening is the charming Mr. George Wendt. Now, tell our viewers, Georgie, what it's like being a famous Hollywood star.
George 	I hardly think myself as a star...
Miss Piggy 	Why don't you tell us about the lavish Hollywood parties that you and I hobnobbed at?
George 	Gee, I'm not much of a hobnobber Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	You must remember the party at Steven's.
George 	Steven's?
Miss Piggy 	Spielberg.
George 	I wish.
Miss Piggy 	Where we ran into Liz.
George 	Liz?
Miss Piggy 	Taylor, she was talking to uh, Jack.
George 	Lemmon?
Miss Piggy 	Nicholson. He introduced us to Liza.
George 	Minelli.
Miss Piggy 	Of course.
George 	All right.
Miss Piggy 	Liza was with Sly.
George 	Stallone.
Miss Piggy 	And Richard.
George 	Widmark. Pryor? Nixon? Help me out, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, George, you are such a kidder. Now just one more question.
George 	Please, if you don't mind, this tailor's a very busy man.
Miss Piggy 	Isn't he wonderful? George! George?
George 	Look, Miss Piggy, I really don't...Whoa! What are you doing in here?
Gonzo 	Oh, sorry. Wow, cool shorts.
Miss Piggy 	Wa-ha-ha. George, just a few more questions please?
George 	I'm changing. Do you mind?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, not at all. Go right ahead. Tell us, how much money do you make? Tell us about your co-stars. Have those backstage feuds really died down? How about, how about Ted Danson? What is he really like? Is he single? Do you have his number? Waa! (Gets knocked over by the door as Wendt flees) George, how about that lunch?!
George 	I'm very busy!
Miss Piggy 	Next week?
George 	Always!
Miss Piggy 	Thank you, George for taking those few minutes out to chat with us!!
Gonzo 	Wow, great interview.
Miss Piggy 	Um... Uh... now a special report from Fozzie Bear at The Comedy Store nightclub. Oh! (Facepalms)
Gonzo 	(Pats her on the back) Nice.
 	Cuts to Fozzie at the Tail o' the Pup hot dog stand.
Fozzie 	Uh, well, actually, Piggy, I'm not quite at the Comedy Store. But I am uh, "Doggedly" determined to get there. Ahhh! Oh, I really "Relish" these jokes. Mmmm! (Eats a hot dog)
 	Cuts back to Piggy in the automobile.
Miss Piggy 	Well, while we are waiting for that report, Moi has arranged a rare, exclusive behind-the-scenes glimpse of Hollywood backlots and studios.
Gonzo 	Here are some tickets.
Miss Piggy 	We don't need tickets. (Light giggle)
Gonzo 	Oh, that's right, we had our hands stamped.
Miss Piggy 	Um, welcome to Universal Studios.
 	Miss Piggy performs a variation "That's Entertainment" as she and Gonzo explore the behind-the-scenes stunts and actions at Universal Studios. King-Kong (voice of Jerry Nelson) provides a line.
Gonzo 	Wow, aren't special effects cool?
Miss Piggy 	Um, all these technical things. I just need background for a star.
Gonzo 	But Piggy, I'm telling you this is really spectacular. Look at this stuff crashing down! It's fantastic, stupendous, unbelievable!
Miss Piggy 	You are missing the point.
Gonzo 	I am?
Miss Piggy 	You know, Gonzo, effects are nothing without the star.
Gonzo 	Oh, that is wonderful, Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Thank you.
 	Miss Piggy finishes the song and ends up getting hit by an explosion causing her to faint.
Gonzo 	Wow, what a great effect! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Piggy?
 	Blackout
===Act Two===
 	Open on Miss Piggy and Gonzo with a map in front of a gate.
Miss Piggy 	Once again, it's time to just drop in on another of my famous Hollywood friends. Here we are at the fabulous Hollywood home of...
Gonzo 	Danny DeVito.
Miss Piggy 	Yes...of Danny DeVito, wonderful actor, comedian...
Gonzo 	No, no, no-- it's Cher. Sorry.
Miss Piggy 	...Whose career as a singer has blossomed into an Oscar-winning performance...
Gonzo 	You know, it could be Lassie.
Miss Piggy 	...And whose lovable canine antics have delighted millions. Let us see if he, she, or it is home, shall we? (Presses buzzer)
Man (JN) 	Hello? Who is this?
Miss Piggy 	It is Miss Piggy. Can you open the gate, please?
Man (JN) 	Do you have security clearance?
Miss Piggy 	Some stars are very timid off the screen. We will conduct the interview from here. Tell us, dear, what is your next film?
Man (JN) 	Will you please leave? We have guard dogs all around the building.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, an action film. Thank you for taking the time to chat with us. And now, Fozzie Bear at The Comedy Store. Let's go, Gonzo.
 	Dogs start barking as they leave.
Gonzo 	Boy. Real nice person. Very down to earth, don't you think?
 	Cuts to Fozzie Bear at Sunset Strip Cleaners.
Fozzie 	Um, I'm, I'm not at the comedy store just yet. But I am on Sunset Strip. Well actually, I'm at the Sunset Strip Cleaners. As long as I'm here, maybe I'd better clean up my act. Ahhh! (Laughs)
 	Back to the automobile arriving at The Beverly Hills.
Miss Piggy 	Yes, well, while we wait for that report, let us visit that quaint little inn, The Beverly Hills Hotel, where the posh and powerful pause to be painted and pampered. Why don't you go and wax the car or something, honeybuns? I shall be at the pool. Oh, what a lovely sight! Stars just toning their tans. Look, ooh! It's Justine Bateman. (Aproaches Justine Bateman) Oh, Justine, dear! Oh, how are you? Kissy, kissy.
Justine 	Um Miss Piggy? How are you?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Justine. What a pleasure it is to have this chance to chat with you.
Justine 	Oh, I would love to chat with you Miss Piggy, but I'm waiting to be interviewed by Barbara Walters.
Miss Piggy 	You're waiting for Barbara who?
Gonzo 	Psst, psst.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, excusez-moi. What?
Gonzo 	That's us.
Miss Piggy 	What's us?
Gonzo 	Well, when I gave your name, her agent wouldn't come to the phone. I improvised the Barbara Walters stuff. It's a bit clever huh?
Miss Piggy 	(Sighs of dismay) Well, Justine, there seems to have been one of those eensy-teensy Hollywood mix-ups.
Justine 	What do you mean? What happened to Barbara Walters?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, lovely woman, isn't she? And if she were here, I'm certain she'd want to begin by asking you...
Justine 	You mean Barbara Walters isn't coming?
Miss Piggy 	No... but I'm certain that she along with all of our viewers who are watching right now, Justine... yes, I'm sure they would all like to know more about you. Now tell us, what is your greatest challenge as a star?
Justine 	Challenge?
Miss Piggy 	Yes. You know, hair care, paparazzi, getting the right dressing room.
Justine 	Well actually, I think my greatest challenge is a difficult acting task.
Miss Piggy 	Say what?
Justine 	Acting.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yeah, right, acting.
Justine 	For instance, if I played someone who had been betrayed...
Miss Piggy 	Oh yes, how would you do that?
Justine 	Well, I would try to understand what goes on in the character's mind.
Miss Piggy 	Oh yes, show me how, show me.
Justine 	Well, what has this character gone through? I mean, has she been misled?
Miss Piggy 	Misled, yes.
Justine 	Was she drawn somewhere thinking that she was going to be with a particular person only to find there's another person there instead?
Miss Piggy 	Oh.
Justine 	Perhaps she had personal engagements which she put aside only to find she was victim of a cruel hoax. And perhaps promises were broken. And perhaps she's been pushed too far!
 	Miss Piggy gets pushed into the pool and ends up gurgling.
Gonzo 	Wow, great stunt, Miss Piggy!
Justine 	I guess the interview's over, huh?
Gonzo 	Yeah. Coming up next on "Miss Piggy's Hollywood", the fabulously funny Fozzie Bear, reporting live from The Comedy Store nightclub.
Miss Piggy 	Barbara Walters, huh? HI-YAH!
 	Piggy karate chops Gonzo into the pool. Cuts to Fozzie finally at The Comedy Store.
Fozzie 	Hiya, this is Fozzie Bear for "Miss Piggy's Hollywood" and finally-- aha! I am here at the world-famous Comedy Store. Where dozens of famous comedians have gotten their starts. Comedians like Robin Williams and David Letterman and now...Fozzie Bear. That's right. It is audition day at The Comedy Store.
 	Inside the Comedy Store, a comedian (Dave Goelz), auditions with a joke.
Comedian 	Okay, so the duck says, "If I had a match, I'd have offered you a light."
Stage Manager (CD)	Next.
Comedian 	Thank you.
Stage Manager (CD)	Number 23: Bear, Fozzie. Let's move it, please!
Fozzie 	Th-that's me. (Sings his theme) Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Wocka-wocka. Here goes. Ha-ha-ha. Um, boy, it's great to be in Hollywood, but my hotel room is so small when I bring in my welcome mat, I have wall-to-wall carpeting. (Dead silence) Yeah, uh... boy, it's a rough town, too. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard and I saw two peanuts. One was "As-salted." You get...
 	Statler and Waldorf are in the club too.
Statler 	Oh, no, that comedian's a bear.
Waldorf 	Worse than that, he's barely a comedian. (Both laugh)
Fozzie 	Oh it's you guys again. Why do you always torment me?
Statler 	We were about to ask you the same question. (He and Waldorf laugh)
Fozzie 	Well, it won't work. I've got a new gimmick, and I'm gonna be hot as a pistol.
Waldorf 	Hot as a pistol? Well, he does have the right to bear arms. (He and Statler laugh)
Statler 	I'd say he has the right to bear legs, too! (Both laugh)
Fozzie 	Aw come on you guys, just listen to my gimmick. Please?
Statler 	A gimmick, what is it?
Fozzie 	A laugh track, and here it is. (Cues the laugh track) Thank you. My hotel room is so small, I brought my welcome mat in
and now I've got wall-to-wall carpeting. (Laughter) Thank you, thank you. Hey, hey, hey. It's a rough town too you know. When I was walking down sunset boulevard, I saw two peanuts. One was "As-salted. (Laughter) Thank you. But tell me, why did the potato go to the riviera? Because he wanted to be a french fry.
 	As the laugh track continues, Statler and Waldorf wave surrender flags.
Statler 	We give up.
Waldorf 	You're a hit.
Fozzie 	Thank you, thank you. You've been a wonderful machine. (Laughter) Thank you, now back to Miss Piggy.
 	Cuts to Miss Piggy outside a house.
Miss Piggy 	I can't do this.
Gonzo 	No, it'll be all right.
Miss Piggy 	No, it won't.
Gonzo 	Give it a shot. We're rolling. Go on.
Miss Piggy 	All right. (Laughs breathily) Um, yes, well, once again, here we are at the Hollywood home of another of Moi's dear, dear celebrity friends, Mr. Roger Moore.
Gonzo 	That's Dudley Moore.
Miss Piggy 	You sure it's not Barbara Walters? Let us knock, shall we? (Knocks) And dear, dear, sweet personal friend of mine, Roger Moore, will come right out here and talk to you, my audi... Stop, that's it! I've had it. I can't do it anymore. I'm an honest woman. I cannot lie to my public anymore. Look, um, I promised to show you my celebrity friends. And, and you've seen what's happened... it's a sham. It's not the show I envisioned. I tried so hard to give you what you wanted. It's hard being a pig in Hollywood. You know, I did my best. (Sniffles as Dudley Moore sees her)
Dudley 	Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	What?
Dudley 	Miss Piggy, it is you!
Miss Piggy 	(Gasps) Dudley? Dudley Moore! Oh, what a delight to see you!
Dudley 	Miss Piggy at my house! I... where are my manners? Please come in.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, thank vous. Oooh!
Gonzo 	Wow, don't you guys think this is so cool?
 	Door closes on him, bending his nose. Cuts to inside Dudley's house full of Miss Piggy stuff.
Dudley 	Miss Piggy, I can't believe you're here. This is like a dream come true. I mean, you don't know how often I've imagined, hoped you'd be in here with me. This is my home. Do you like it?
Miss Piggy 	Well... Well, yes. It's very nice, it's very tasteful.
Dudley 	Then you like the decor?
Miss Piggy 	How long did it take you to collect these?
Dudley 	Well, I, I picked some of them up in places and some of them I had commissioned. Of course, the "Mona piggy", and the phone, of course, and that wonderful shot of you with the braids, which is a special favorite of mine.
Miss Piggy 	I-I-I don't know what to say.
Dudley 	You don't have to say anything. It's enough just to look at you.
Miss Piggy 	Look at me? I must look a fright. Dudley do excuse me, I want to freshen up. Ta!
Dudley 	Oh... This isn't happening. This... this probably... no, this is the most exciting moment of my entire life.
Miss Piggy 	Hope you I didn't kept you too long.
Dudley 	Of course not. You look absolutely...
Miss Piggy 	Ravishing?
Dudley 	Yes. Miss Piggy, Piggy... Can I call you Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	Of course.
Dudley 	And you can call me, um... um... Dudley.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, all right.
Dudley 	Say it.
Miss Piggy 	Say? Oh, uh, Dudley.
Dudley 	Say it again.
Miss Piggy 	Dudley. Dudley. Dudley, are you alright, is there anything I can do?
Dudley 	Piggy, darling, I... darling, can I call you darling?
Miss Piggy 	Sure.
Dudley 	There is one thing. Something I've always wanted to share with you something that I think could be very, very beautiful for both of us.
Miss Piggy 	Dudley, we're on television.
Dudley 	Make it even better, don't you think?
Miss Piggy 	Dudley, what do you have in... what do you have in mind? (Both pant)
Dudley 	Sing with me.
Miss Piggy 	Sing? Oh, I knew that.
 	Dudley and Miss Piggy start performing a duet of "Love is Here to Stay."
Miss Piggy 	I'd like to thank all of you for joining me tonight and I'd also like to thank all the wonderful people who have made this evening possible.
Gonzo 	No problem, Piggy, anytime.
Dudley 	Excuse me, do you mind?
Gonzo 	Wow, I'm being kicked out by dudley moore! This is so cool!
 	Dudley and Miss Piggy finish their duet. Blackout.
==Closing==
 	Open on the lion in the room. Jim enters with the Dog Graffiti Muppet.
Jim	Well, now that we're back from Hollywood... (puppeteering the dog) "And boy, are my feet tired!" Anyhow, remember these graffiti characters that came off the wall and danced with Bobby McFerrin? Well, lots of people wonder how we do things like this, and this is how. Of course, we were able to make the puppeteers invisible and you'll have to figure that one out for yourself. So, what do you think of it, lion?
 	The graffiti dog barks, and the lion responds with a roar, scaring the Muppet.
Jim	(Puppeteering the dog) "He scared me right out of my feet!" I forgot cats never like dogs. That's all for tonight, we'll see you next time.
 	The credits roll
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Jim Henson Hour Transcripts