Elf/Transcript

==Transcript==
===Introduction===
[A Christmas book entitled "ELF" sits on a table, a drawing of 6'2" Buddy the Elf (the guy we've seen from all the trailers and posters) is on the cover. We push in on the book and it magically flips open to the first page: a drawing of small Papa Elf in his wonderful work shop. The real life Elf and Workshop of the drawing we have just seen. PAPA ELF, 540 years old or roughly 55 in human years, is surrounded by scores of strange and specific tools and some scattered half-built toys]
:Papa Elf: Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the, Uh, the story. Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you... you didn't know about elves. Another... another interesting Uh, elf-ism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old... the old cobbler sleeps.
[Quick cut away to two Elves hammering away at a pile of shoes as a fat shoemaker sleeps with a copy of "Hot Cobbler" magazine on his chest, a busty cobbler lady on the cover]
:Disgruntled Cobbler Elf: Lazy bum. Couldn't even make a clog.
[The exterior of a tree, we hear cooking going on inside]
:Papa Elf: You can bake cookies in a tree.
:Chef Elf: Hey!
[We hear a yelp and now a siren rings and then the tree bursts into flames, Elves scurrying out]
:Papa Elf: As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous Having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season.
:Chef Elf: [Screaming] I wanna make shoes!
:Papa Elf: But the third job... uh, some call it, uh, "The show," or... or "The big dance." It's the profession that every Elf aspires to, and that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.
[The camera whips by a crowd of bustling elves building dolls, toy horses, action figures, squirt guns...everything. There's even a row of X-boxes being assembled]
:Elf: Only two weeks left till Christmas!
:Papa Elf: I-It's a job only an elf can do. Our... our nimble fingers, natural cheer and active minds are perfect for toy-building. They... they tried using gnomes and trolls, but the gnomes drank too much...
[Cut to a drunk gnome, glass in hand, burping]
:Papa Elf: ...and the trolls weren't toilet trained.
[Cut to a troll wearing a diaper farting next to an Elf cleaning up the floor]
:Papa Elf: No human being has ever set... set foot in Santa's workshop. Uh, that is until about 30 years ago, And, as you may have guessed, that's where our story begins.
[Opening credits]
=== Growing up ===
[In a nursing home, a nurse puts a baby back to his crib]
:Nurse: Are you sleepy? Here we are. We're just going to make you feel so comfortable. Here we are. There you are. It's time to go to sleep. Maybe by next Christmas you'll Have a home. Merry Christmas, my angel.
[Close in on the rocking crib. The baby rises, giggling. His eyes light up as he stands, holding the gate of the crib. Santa's black boots drop in from the chimney. The baby shakes the gate. Quickly, Santa moves to the Christmas tree, where he eats the cookies given to him. There is an off-screen clang! Santa looks behind, then goes back to the plate of cookies. The crib is empty. The gate is down. The baby gleefully skitters across the floor towards a large, fuzzy teddy bear in Santa's big red sack.
[Cut to Santa's Workshop. A bevy of Elves with slightly larger 60's Elf collars and sideburns celebrate another successful Christmas. Several elves start chanting for a speech. Sants, standing in front of the elves, stands to applause. Merrily, he gestures for quiet.
:Santa Claus: All right, all right. We've had another very successful year.
[Cheering]
:Santa Claus: So, after all that hard work, it's time to start preparations for next Christmas!
[The elves cheer and get back to work. When an off-screen cooing is heard.]
:Santa Claus: What in the name of Sam hill is that?
[More COOING. Perplexed, Santa looks down to his bag just as a human baby, dressed only in a diaper, crawls out and smiles.]
:Elves: Wow...
:Male elf: A baby...
[Silence. The elves stare in awe at the strange visitor. An ELF looks on the back of his diaper and sees the brand name "Little Buddy Diapers".]
:Elf: "little buddy diapers."
:Elf Twin #2: His name is buddy. He must've... Snuck into your sack at the orphanage.
:Elf Twin #1: What do we do?
:Papa Elf (V.O.): So, Santa had a Decision to make, and fortunately, when it comes to babies, Santa's a... a pushover. So, buddy stayed with, uh an older elf Who had always wanted a child? But had been so committed to building toys, he... He, well, had forgotten to settle down.
:Papa Elf: Santa.
:Papa Elf (V.O.): Yes, yes, I... I raised buddy. I was his adopted father.
[Cut to a montage. Papa Elf is holding a two-year old baby that is almost as big as he is.
:Papa Elf (V.O.): Though buddy grew twice as fast, He... he wasn't any different from the other children.
[7-year old Buddy riding a small tricycle with Papa Elf behind him]
:Papa Elf: Chuckles not too fast, buddy.
:Papa Elf (V.O.): I mean, not... not really.
[Buddy in Elf school, wedged in a tiny desk. The ELF TEACHER is pointing to the black board where "THE CODE OF ELVES" is written.]
:Elf Teacher: Before we learn how to build The latest in extreme graphic chipset processors, let's recite the "Code of the Elves," shall we? Number one.
:Elf Students: "Treat every day like Christmas."
:Elf Teacher: Number two.
:Elf Students: "There's room for everyone on the Nice list."
:Elf Teacher: Number three.
[We push in on Buddy as he recites...]
:Elf Students: "The best way to spread Christmas Cheer is singing loud for all to hear."
:Papa Elf (V.O.): And one day, when buddy was old enough, I made him my own personal apprentice.
:Buddy: I've never been in this room before.
:Papa Elf: Well, I think it's time you start your tinker training.
[Papa Elf turns on the lights, revealing Santa's sleigh]
:Buddy: [Gasps] Santa's sleigh.
:Papa Elf: You're gonna help me make it fly.
:Buddy: I thought the magical reindeer made The sleighs fly.
:Papa Elf: And where do the reindeer get their magic from?
:Buddy: Christmas spirit. Everybody knows that.
:Papa Elf: Well, silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus.
:Buddy: What?! Well, who do they think puts all their toys under the tree?
:Papa Elf: Well, there's a rumor floating around That, uh, that the parents do it.
:Buddy: That's... that's ridiculous. I mean, parents couldn't do that all in one night. What about Santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat them, too?
:Papa Elf: Yeah, I, uh, I... I know, uh, and every year, less and less people believe in Santa Claus. I mean, we have a real energy crisis on our hands.
:Buddy: Oh.
:Papa Elf: I mean, just see how low the, uh Claus-o-meter is.
:Buddy: That's shocking.
:Papa Elf: That's why I came up with this little beauty in the '60s.
[Papa Elf brings the engine to life]
:Buddy: Wh-what is it?
:Papa Elf: It's a Cringle 3000... A 500-reindeer power jet turbine engine. Without it, the sleigh couldn't get more than, uh, a few feet off the ground.
[The thermo coupler sparks out]
:Papa Elf: Well, it looks like we got a short in the thermo coupler. You wanna give me a hand with that?
:Buddy: You want me to help?
:Papa Elf (V.O.): As much as, uh, buddy was accepted by his family and friends, there were a few drawbacks to being, uh, a human in, uh an elf's world.
[Music plays chattering]
:Buddy: Hey, Ming Ming. Um... I'm gonna be a little bit short on today's quota.
:Ming Ming: It's all right, buddy. Just how many etch-a-sketches did you get finished?
[Buddy is flustered]
:Ming Ming: Come on, Buddy. How many?
:Buddy: I made, uh... 85.
[Ever elf turns to stare at Buddy]
:Ming Ming: Eighty-five? That puts you... 915 off the pace.
:Female Elf: Ooh... that's bad.
:Buddy: Why don't you just say it? I'm the worst toy maker in the world. I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
[Some elves gasp]
:Ming Ming: No, buddy, you're not cotton- headed ninny-muggins. We all just have different talents that's all.
:Buddy: Seems like everyone else have the same talents except for me.
:Ming Ming: You... you have, you have lots of talents, uh... Special talents in fact, like Um, uh... Special talents?
:Female Elf: You changed the batteries in the smoke detector.
:Ming Ming: : You sure did... triple A's. And in six months, you'll have to check 'em again... Won't he?
:Male Elf: And you're the only baritone in the elf choir. You bring us down whole octave.
:Another Male Elf: In a good way.
:Ming Ming: See, buddy? You're not a cotton-headed ninny- muggings. You're just... special.
:Papa Elf (V.O.): And so, buddy was sent where the... The special elves work.
[Toy Testing. Buddy is cranking several Jack-in-the-boxes, getting scared every time "Pop Goes the Weasel" reaches its climax. Off-screen, Ming Ming is talking to Foom Foom. Buddy listens in closely]
:Ming Ming: Hey, Foom Foom... I hate to do this to you, but you think you could help me pick up the slack on those etch-a-sketches?
:Foom Foom: No problem. I appreciate it.
:Ming Ming: Buddy is killing me. I already got Lum Lum and Choo Choo pulling' doubles.
:Foom Foom: That was quick thinking yesterday, with that “special talents” thing.
:Ming Ming: I feel bad for the guy. I just hope he doesn't get wise.
:Foom Foom: Well, if he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.
[Buddy steps back to reflect on this massive fact]
:Foom Foom (Echoing): If he hasn't figured out he's a human by now, I don't think he ever will.
[Flashback to Buddy getting Elf shoes tried on by Papa Elf. They're too small]
:Buddy: I think they're too small.
[Flashback to Buddy showering. But the ceiling and shower are so small that Buddy's forced to crouch]
:Ming Ming (Echoing): You're just... special.
[Buddy goes through his entire life, realizing his everything he knew was a lie]
:Elf: You don't look so good, Buddy. Are you okay?
:Buddy: I'll be okay, I just need a glass of water.
[Buddy falls forwards]
:Elf: Aah!
[The Elf is crushed by Buddy]
:Elf: [Muffled] Buddy...
[Buddy runs out of Santa's Workshop, accidentally hitting the roof and letting some snow fall]
:Buddy: Unh! Aah!
[Buddy runs to his home, into the bathroom, and sits there solemnly. Papa Elf knocks on the door]
:Papa Elf: Buddy, are you okay?
:Buddy: I'm sorry, papa. I just need some alone time.
:Papa Elf: Buddy, I... I think we... we have to talk.
[Cut to Buddy on Papa Elf's lap]
:Papa Elf: Buddy, uh, I think there's something I... I probably should tell you. You probably should have found out a long... a long time ago.
:Papa Elf (V.O.): I then proceeded to tell Buddy of how his father had fallen in love when he was very young with a beautiful girl named Susan Wells, and how Buddy was born and put up for adoption by his mother, and how she had later passed away. I... I told him his father Had never even known that Buddy was born, and most importantly, I told him where his father was... Uh, in a magical land called New York City.
:Buddy: My dad works there?
:Papa Elf: Empire State Building.
[Buddy is running off in the snow]
:Arctic Puffin: Hey, Buddy, wanna pick some snow berries?
:Buddy: Not now, Arctic Puffin.
:Leon: Hello, buddy.
:Buddy: Oh... hi, Leon.
:Leon: Why the long face, partner?
:Buddy: It seems I'm... I'm not an elf.
:Leon: 'Course you're not. You're 6'3" and had a beard since you were 15.
:Buddy: Papa says my real father lives in a magical place far away. I don't know what to do.
:Leon: At least you have a daddy. I was just rolled up one day and left out here in the cold.
:Buddy: But the thing is, I've never even left the North Pole.
:Leon: Buddy, I've been around the world many times when I was a young cumulus nimbus cloud. It's a wonderful place, filled with wondrous creatures... Except dogs. Oh, by the way, don't eat the yellow snow.
:Buddy: Oh, I know that.
:Leon: All I'm sayin' is, this might be the golden opportunity to find out who you really are.
[Buddy ponders Leon's words. Cut to Santa's Workshop]
:Santa Claus: So, I hear you're going On a little journey to the big city.
:Buddy: Yup. Ahh. I'm kind a nervous.
:Santa Claus: [Chuckles]
:Buddy: Leon says New York is pretty different.
:Santa Claus: Oh, don't pay attention to Leon. He's never been anywhere. He doesn't have any feet. I've been to New York thousands of times.
:Buddy: Really? Mm-hmm. What's it like?
:Santa Claus: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It's not free candy.
:Buddy: Oh. 
:Santa Claus: Second, There are, like, 30 Ray's Pizza's. They all claim to be the original, but the real one's on the 11th. And if you see a sign that Says "peep show," That doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before Christmas.
:Buddy: Can't wait to see my dad... We're gonna go ice skating and... And eat sugar plums.
:Santa Claus: Yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know, Buddy... [Sighs] Your father... Well... he's on the naughty list.
:Buddy: No!!!
[The camera swerves to the naughty list. Indeed, "Walter Hobbs" is on the list. Cut to him at an office talking with someone]
:Nun: You're taking the books back?
:Walter Hobbs: [Chuckles] See, I... I see what you're trying to do here. Y-You're trying to make me feel bad, when, in actuality, you're the one that missed the payments.
:Nun: But the children love the books.
:Walter Hobbs: I know that, uh... You know, I'm the one that ran the focus groups, But I like hearing that.
[Cut back to Santa's Workshop]
:Santa Claus: Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life. That doesn't mean they can't find their way again, huh? Maybe all they need Is just a little Christmas spirit.
[The elves cheer]
:Buddy: Well, uh, I... I'm good at that.
:Santa Claus: I know you are.
[Santa walks away, Papa Elf behind him this whole time. He hands Buddy the snow globe of New York City]
:Papa Elf: And I'll... I'll always, uh, I'll always be here for you.
[Buddy and Papa Elf hug]
:Papa Elf: Now, uh... Go... uh, get.
[It's night and Buddy is preparing his trip to the big city]
:Buddy: Bye, guys.
:Walrus: Bye, Buddy.
:Arctic Puffin: Bye, Buddy. Take care.
:Walrus: Bye-bye.
[Buddy jumps on a piece of ice. It starts drifting away]
:Walrus: Bye-bye.
:Ice bear: Bye-bye, Buddy.
[The walrus starts sobbing. The Arctic Puffin starts consoling him]
:Arctic Puffin: There, there.
[A giant spike starts emerging from under the water]
:Animals: Huh?
[Their instincts kick in and the animals start fleeing]
:Animals: Oh! Ohh!
[The spike belonged to Mr. Narwhal]
:Mr. Narwhal: Bye, buddy. Hope you find your dad.
:Buddy: Thanks, Mr. Narwhal. Bye.
===To the Big City===
[Buddy's trip brings him from giant sugarcanes, to snowy mountains as vast as the eye can see. In his journey, he comes across a real life raccoon]
:Buddy: Hey! What's your name? My name's Buddy.
[The raccoon feels threatened and starts hissing at Buddy]
:Buddy: Ohh! Does someone need a hug?
[Buddy nears closer to hug the raccoon. It responds by attacking Buddy.]
:Buddy: Aah, aah! That's not cool! I just wanted a hug!
[Buddy's journey brings him closer and closer to human civilization. He eventually makes it to a bustling city; New York City. Louis Prima - Pennies from the Heaven starts playing as he experiences the average human experience for the first time, such as waving to a traffic controller.]
:Buddy: Hi. Hello.
[Grabbing any flyers he gets handed.]
:Buddy: Thank you. Thank you.
[And encountering signs boasting themselves. In this case, a café saying it's got the "world's best cup of coffee". Buddy runs into the café.]
:Buddy: You did it! Congratulations! "World's best cup of coffee." Great job, everybody. It's great to meet you. Hi.
[Buddy jumps on the white lines of a zebra path, and taps on the shoulder of a bearded man.]
:Buddy: Santa, san... uh, nope. Not Santa.
[Once again, grabbing any flyer handed to him.]
:Buddy: Thank you. Thank you.
[Buddy grabs pieces of gum on the railing, spins around in a turning door before barfing, and starts picking the same flyers again.]
:Buddy: Thank you.
:Guy: Hey, you know what? No. No, all right?
:Buddy: Thank you.
:Guy: Get outta here, get outta here.
[They push him away from grabbing any more flyers.]
Buddy: Hello.
Buddy: [Gasps] Beautiful.
[Buddy presses the buttons.]
Buddy: Looks like a Christmas tree.
Walter: A reprint? You know how much that's gonna cost?
Two whole pages are missing.
Walter: The story doesn't make any sense. What, you think some kid's gonna notice two pages? I mean, they... all they do is look at pictures.
Buddy: Sorry I can't ride with you the rest of the way up, but this is where my dad works. Well, have a good... Oh, I forgot to give you a hug!
Deborah: Oh, I don't know, Connie, I've never Declared kittens before. How many? [Gasps] Eight? Uh, I don't know if I'm gonna have time. Oh, all right, just bring 'em by The camper this week, And I'll see what I can do. I'm not gonna charge you. Just bring 'em by, and I'll see What I can do. I have to go. 
Buddy: Excuse me. I'm here to see a Walter Hobbs. I'm Buddy the elf. 
Deborah: You look hilarious! Who sent you?
Buddy: Papa elf. 
Deborah: Papa elf?
Buddy: Mm-hmm. From the North Pole.
Deborah: From the North Pole? 
Buddy: Yes.
So, you really think we should ship 'em?
Walter: No, I think we should take a $30,000 bath. So some kid can understand what happened To a puppy and a frigging pigeon. Ship 'em. Yeah.
Deborah: Mr. Hobbs? It's me on the intercom.
Walter: Go ahead.
Deborah: Yeah, I think someone sent you a Christmas-gram.
Buddy: Dad!
Walter: All right, uh, let's get it over with.
Buddy: I walked all day and night to find you.
Walter: Uh, you look like you came from the North Pole. [Chuckles]
Buddy: That's exactly where I came from. Santa must've called you!
Walter: Oh, yeah, sure, he, uh... Just got off the cell phone with me.
Buddy: You did?!
Walter: So, go on. 
Buddy: Go on with what?
Walter: Well, are... are you gonna sing a song or something or can I just go back to work?
Buddy: A song? Uh... Yeah. Anything for you, dad, uh...
I... I'm, I'm here with my dad
And we never met
And he wants me to sing Him a song
And, um, I was adopted
But you didn't know I was born
So, I'm here now, I found you, Daddy
And, guess what? I love you
I love you I love you!
Walter: Wow, that was weird. You know, usually you guys just Uh, you know, put my name into jingle bells or something.
Buddy: It's me, your son. Susan Wells had me, and... And she didn't tell you, And, and, and, but now I'm here... It's me Buddy.
Walter: Susan Wells. Uh, you said Susan Wells? 
Buddy: Yes.
Walter: Who sent this Christmas-gram?
Buddy: What's a Christmas-gram? I want one.
Walter: [Whispering] I think we should call security.
Deborah: Good idea.
Buddy: I like to whisper, too.
Buddy: It's okay, Walter's my father.
Well, your dad's busy right now.
Buddy: Okay, I'll come back later.
Yeah, you know, you're not gonna come back for awhile, okay? You're gonna go back to Santa land.
Buddy: Okay.
Yeah, why don't you go back to gimbels'?
[Sleigh ride playing]
Buddy: Sorry! Sorry.
Passion fruit spray?
Fruit spray? Sure.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Do you wanna go?
Buddy: Hey! Have you seen these toilets? They're ginormous!
Buddy: "For that special someone."
Past!
Hey, come... come here!
Me? 
Yes. What are you doing down here? You're not supposed to be down here! You can shop on your break, You don't... come on, get upstairs!
Buddy: Okay, I didn't know. 
Well You should know!
Buddy: Are you mad at me? 
No.
Buddy: Are you sure? 
Yes, I'm sure. Just do your job.
Okay, fair enough.
Buddy: [Gasps] Wow! What's this?
Gimbel's Manager: This is the North Pole.
Buddy: No, it's not.
Gimbel's Manager: Yes, it is.
Buddy: No, it's not.
Gimbel's Manager: Yes, it is.
Buddy: No, it isn't.
Gimbel's Manager: Yes, it is.
Buddy: No, it isn't.
Gimbel's Manager: Yes, it is.
Buddy: No, it's not. Where's the snow?
Gimbel's Manager: Why you smiling like that?
Buddy: I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite.
Gimbel's Manager: Make work your favorite, that's you're favorite, okay?
Buddy: Okay.
Gimbel's Manager: Work is your new favorite.
Buddy: Fine.
Gimbel's Manager: It's time for the announcement.
Buddy: Okay.
Gimbel's Manager: Okay, people, tomorrow morning 10 a.m., Santa's coming' to town!
Buddy: Santa!!! Oh, my God!!! Santa here?! I know him. I know him.
Gimbel's Manager: He'll be here to take pictures with all the children.
Buddy: Yeah!
Gimbel's Manager: Just keep your receipts. 10 a.m. Tomorrow.
Buddy: 10 a.m. Tomorrow.
Santa's coming to town.
Buddy: Yes. Can you sign this for me? Ohh! Hi. [Whispers] Santa's coming.
Jovie: Are you enjoying the view?
Buddy: You are very good at decorating that tree.
Jovie: Why are you messing with me? Did Krumpet put you up to this?
Buddy: I'm not messing with you. It's just nice to meet another human who shares my affinity for elf culture.
Jovie: I'm just trying to get through the holidays.
Buddy: Get through? Christmas is the greatest day in the whole wide world!
Jovie: Please stop talking to me.
Buddy: Uh-oh. Sounds like someone needs to sing a Christmas Carol.
Jovie: Go away.
Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
Buddy: Oh, it's easy, it's just like talking except louder and longer and you move your voice up and down.
Jovie: I can sing, but I just choose not to sing. Especially in front of other people.
Buddy: Well, if you sing alone, You can sing in front of other people. There's no difference.
Jovie: Actually, there's a big difference.
Buddy: No, there... no, there isn't. Wait.
I'm singing
I'm in a store, and I'm singing
I'm in a store, and I'm singing
Gimbel's Manager: Hey! There's no singing in the North Pole.
Buddy: Yes, there is.
Gimbel's Manager: No, there's not.
Buddy: We sing all the time.
Gimbel's Manager: No, there's not.
Buddy: Especially when we make toys. [to Jovie] See?
Manager over p.a.: Attention, all gimbel's shoppers, please make your final purchases. We'll be closing in ten minutes.
Jovie: Well, it's time for me to go home.
Buddy: But... but Santa's coming, there's so much to do.
Jovie: Yeah, um... [laughs] I'll see you tomorrow...
Buddy: Buddy.
Jovie: Jovie.
Buddy: Hi.
Jovie: Hi.
Buddy: Jovie.
[Nutcracker suite playing]
Walter: Hey, uh... I'm gonna eat in the bedroom, okay? I, uh, I got a bunch of stuff to go over.
Emily: Are you sure?
Walter: I'm... I'm just way behind on a bunch of stuff.
Emily: Okay.
Michael: Can I eat in my room?
Emily: No.
Michael: Why not? Dad's eating in his room. [Imitating father] I got a bunch of homework to go over, And I'm way behind on a bunch of stuff.
Michael: You're eating here.
Jovie: I really can't stay
I've got to go 'way
This evening has been
So very nice
My mother will start to worry
And father will be pacing' The floor
So, really, I'd better scurry
Well, may be just a half a drink More
The neighbors might think Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink?
No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how to break the Spell
I'll take your hat, your hair Looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir
Mind if I move in closer?
At least I'm gonna say that I tried
What's the sense of hurting? my pride?
I really can't stay
Ah, but it's cold outside baby, it's cold outside!
[Water turns off]
Jovie: Get out! Don't look at me! Get out!
[Sleigh ride playing]
Just hear those sleigh bells Jingling
Ring-ting-tingling, too
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together With you
Outside the snow is falling
And friends are calling yoo-hoo
Buddy: [Muffled] Dad? Dad, hi! It's me! Buddy. Dad! Dad! Dad!
Giddy-yap, giddy-yap, giddy-yap
Let's go, let's look at the show
We're riding in a wonderland Of snow
Hey!
Buddy: It's okay, I just have a gift for my dad.
Okay, I'll take this.
Buddy: Okay. Well, just make sure he knows It's from me Buddy, his son, okay?
Okay.
Buddy: And that I love him so much, And that I think he's the greatest dad in the world. You guys are so strong.
Kids: Wow! 
Girl: This is neat. 
Jovie: Hey, you.
Buddy: Me?
Jovie: Come here. I wanna talk to you.
Buddy: What do you wanna talk to? Me about?
Jovie: How come you were in the women's locker room this morning?
Buddy: I heard you singing.
Jovie: You sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked in the shower?
Buddy: I didn't know you were naked. Why were you here so early?
Jovie: They shut my water off. What were you doing here so early?
Buddy: Building this.
Jovie: You built this?
Buddy: Mm-hmm.
Jovie: They're kind a pissed about this.
Buddy: Really?
Gimbel's Manager: Hey, guys. Have you seen the place?
Buddy: Mm-hmm.
Gimbel's Manager: It's pretty good. It's a little too good. Corporate must have sent in a professional. I don't know why somebody's gunning' for my job, but, look... let's remain team, okay? 'Cause if I go, we all go. If you get wind of anything, call me on my radio, Channel three. Code word is "Santa's got a brand new bag", Okay? Six-inch ribbon curls, honey.
Jovie: That's impossible.
Gimbel's Manager: Six... inches.
[Sighs]
Buddy: By the way... I think you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole wide world.
Buddy: Santa...
Gimbel's Santa: Hey, hey! Ho ho ho!
[Cheering]
Buddy: Yeah! Santa, it's me Buddy! It's me!
Gimbel's Santa: Hey, buddy, how you doing?
Buddy: It's me!
Woman: Are you ready to see Santa?
Buddy: Who the heck are you?
Gimbel's Santa: What are you talking about? I'm Santa Claus.
Buddy: No, you're not.
Gimbel's Santa: Uh, wh-why, of course I am! Ho ho ho ho ho!
Buddy: Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?
Gimbel's Santa: Uh, happy birthday of course! Ho ho ho ho ho! So, uh, how old are you, son?
Paul: Four.
Gimbel's Santa: You're a big boy, what's your name?
Paul: Paul.
Gimbel's Santa: And, uh, what can I get you for Christmas?
Buddy: Paul, don't tell him what you want. He's a liar.
Gimbel's Santa: Let the kid talk.
Buddy: You disgust me. How can you live with yourself?
Gimbel's Santa: Just cool it, zippy.
Woman: Smile.
Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
Gimbel's Santa: Look, I'm not kidding'.
Buddy: You're a fake.
Gimbel's Santa: I'm a fake?
Buddy: Yes.
Gimbel's Santa: How'd you like to be dead, huh?
Paul: Fake.
Gimbel's Santa: No, he's kidding.
Buddy: You stink.
Gimbel's Santa: I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right?
Buddy: You smell like beef and cheese. You don't smell like Santa.
Gimbel's Santa: Okay.
[Buddy rips off the Gimbel Santas's beard off.]
Buddy: He's an imposter! He's not Santa!
Buddy: He's a fake! He's a fake! I saw!
Gimbel's Santa: Come here!
Buddy: He's a fake!
Gimbel's Santa: Ha ha! Where you going now? Where you going...?
[Cheering]
Gimbel's Manager: Ohh! Ohh! No!
[Grunting]
Buddy: He's not Santa Claus! He's not Santa!
Walter: "To someone special."
Deborah: What's that?
Walter: Intercom.
Deborah: All right.
[Phone rings]
Walter: Yeah?
Mr. Hobbs, the police are on line one.
'Walter: Police. Hello?
[Chatters]
Buddy: Dad!
Buddy: I knew that you'd come, I love you for coming. Officer Tom, this is my dad. This is Walter... he came. He bailed me out. They gave me one phone call. They gave me one phone call, And I said, "I know who I'm gonna call... Walter Hobbs." And sure enough, you showed up. You did, they said you weren't goanna show up. They told me so many times...
Walter: Shh shh shh shh shh. Just who the heck are you, And what is your problem?
Buddy: I-I'm Buddy, I'm your son.
Walter: Wait, um... tell me, tell me, tell me, uh... where'd you get this picture?
Buddy: Papa elf gave it to me.
Walter: Listen... is this some kind a game? What do you want, some money?
Buddy: No! I just wanted to meet you, and I thought you might wanna meet me.
Walter: Who wouldn't wanna meet you?
Buddy: I thought maybe we could make gingerbread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and... and maybe even hold hands.
Walter: Uh-huh. Come with me.
Buddy: Okay.
Doctor: Okay. What have we got here?
Walter: Buddy, don't eat those.
Doctor: We got to really hurry up, Walter, 'cause I'm double booked the rest of the afternoon.
Buddy: Am I sick?
Yeah, but that's not why we're Here.
We're here to do a test, come on.
Buddy: What kind test?
Walter: Just a test to Find out If you're my son or not.
Buddy: Why am I sitting on paper?
Doctor: Because it's sanitary for the other patients. Now, sit still so I can do the finger prick.
Buddy: [Gasps] Finger prick! Ohh! It's cold.
Doctor: Yeah, just pleases it still, Please?
Buddy: Okay, can I listen to your necklace?
Doctor: No, you can't. Will you Just sit still...
Buddy: Why is there a skeleton over there?
Walter: I don't know, 
Doctor': Walter, Could you please...?
Buddy: If I squint it looks like a pirate flag.
Doctor: Could you please have him? Sit still?
Doctor: Does he have a name? 
Walter: He hasn't got a name.
Walter: I'm sorry, Ben, I am sorry.
Doctor: I have a lot of patients waiting.
Walter: Would you please it still? Please.
Buddy: He got mad at me. 
Walter: Yes, he did. He did. The sooner you sit still, the sooner we can get this mess over with.
Buddy: Okay. Then can we eat sugar plums?
Walter: You betch a... we'll eat sugar Plums,
Have gingerbread houses, And we'll even paint eggs.
Buddy: Well, paint eggs, that's Easter. Ow!!! Ohh...
Buddy: My finger has a heartbeat.
Carolyn: It won't hurt so much after a little. What's your name?
Buddy: Buddy.
Carolyn: I'm Carolyn.
Buddy: Hi. What do you want for Christmas?
Carolyn: A Suzy-talks-a-lot.
Buddy: I'll put in a good word with the big man.
Carolyn: Thanks. Your costume is pretty.
Buddy: Oh, it's not a costume. I'm an elf. Well, technically, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.
Carolyn: Oh, I'm a human raised by humans.
Buddy: Hmm. Cool.
Walter: So?
Doctor: It's a boy... Buddy's your son.
Walter: That's very impossible. You... you saw that guy out there. He's... he's certifiably insane.
Doctor: He's probably just reverting to a state of childlike dependency.
Walter: An elf?
Doctor: What he needs is to be nurtured.
Walter: Oh, I see. So, um, uh... You'd like me to breastfeed him?
Doctor: Walter, just bring him home. Introduce him to Emily and Michael, And once... once he comes to Terms with reality, he should drop the whole elf thing and move on with his life. I mean, that's what I would do if I was you.
Emily: Oh, my god! Walter, this is... This is wonderful, You... you have another son. 
Walter: Wonderful. Oh, gosh, I... I guess I never really thought of it that way. 
Emily: This is incredible, I... You know, it's a little complicated, but it's nothing that we can't handle.
Walter: Honey?
Emily: What?
Walter: He thinks he's an elf.
Emily: I'm sorry, what?
Walter: He think he's a Christmas elf.
Emily: Oh, come on, Walter, I'm sure he doesn't actually think he's an elf.
Buddy: And then, I traveled through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, past the sea of swirly-twirly gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel.
Emily: So, where were you for the last 30 years?
Walter: The north pole.
Buddy: Can you pass the maple syrup, please?
Emily: I... I didn't put... it's spaghetti.
Buddy: Oh, you know what? I think I have some. Yes.
Emily: You like sugar, huh?
Buddy: Is there sugar in syrup?
Emily: Yes.
Buddy: Then yes. We elves try to stick to the four main food groups Candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.
Emily: So, will you be staying with us, then?
Buddy: You mean I can stay?
Emily: Of course you can.
Walter: Emily.
Emily: How... how long do you think you'll be with us?
Buddy: I... I hadn't really planned it out, but I was thinking, like... forever.
Walter: Emily? Can I just speak to you for a minute in the, uh, kitchen, please?
[Later in the hallway.]
Walter: Are you crazy? He cannot stay here.
Emily: Clearly he has some serious issues. We can't just throw him out in the snow.
Walter: Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.
Emily: Walter, he's your son.
[Belching]
Buddy: Did you hear that?
Michael: You are so weird.
Buddy: Dad? Dad? Dad!
[Door opens]
Walter: What?
Buddy: [Whispering] I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in.
Walter: What?
Buddy: I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in.
Walter: I am not gonna tuck you in.
Buddy: I... I promise I'll go right to sleep.
Walter: Fine.
Buddy: Tickle fight, tickle fight!
Buddy, stop.
Buddy: Tickle fight. Tickle...
Stop stop, stop.
Buddy: Sorry.
Walter: It's all right. Hey, uh... [Clears throat] You just lay there and go to sleep.
Buddy: Okay.
Walter: Okay.
Buddy: Dad?
Walter: Hmm?
Buddy: I love you.
Walter: Okay. Go to sleep now.
Emily: Well, this is really something. I'm usually the one making breakfast. That's good, that's good.
Okay.
Oh, that's good.
Buddy: Good? 
Good.
Good.
Emily: So, did you, um... Did you sleep okay last night?
Buddy: Great. I got a full 40 minutes. And I had time to build that rocking horse.
Emily: Uh, oh, my gosh. You actually made that? Where did you get all the wood?
Emily: Good morning, honey. 
Buddy: Good morning, dad.
Emily: Walter, Buddy has made us breakfast. Isn't that nice? 
Buddy: And lunch.
Emily: And lunch.
Emily: Bye.
Buddy: So, dad, how many scoops?
Walter: I'll stick with the coffee now, thanks.
Buddy: So, Dad... I planned out our whole day. First, we'll make snow angels for two hours, And then we'll go ice skating and then we'll eat a whole roll of tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then, to finish, we'll snuggle.
Walter: I've got to go to work, buddy. Oh, and another thing... If you're going to be staying here, You should think about, you know, Getting rid of the costume.
Buddy: But I've worn this my whole life.
Walter: You're not in the North Pole any longer. You wanna make me happy, don't you?
Buddy: More than anything.
Walter: Then, lose the tights. I mean, as soon as possible.
Buddy: As soon as possible?
Walter: As soon as possible.
Buddy: Okay.
Emily: I almost forgot...
Aah! Aah!
Good morning.
Walter: Walter here.
Buddy: [Gasps] It worked, it's you.
Walter: How'd you get this number?
Buddy: Emily left an emergency list.
Walter: I see. And, uh, is this an emergency?
Buddy: There's a horrible noise coming from the evil box underneath the window. It sounds like this...
Walter: It's, uh, it's... it's not evil, buddy, It's, uh, it's a radiator, And the heat makes noise when it comes on.
Buddy: No, it doesn't. It... It's very evil. It's scary to look at. It's... okay... I'm going toward... oh, wait. Yes, it is. Okay, it's okay. It's okay. Everything's fine. You were right.
Walter: Okay, good, uh, I'm gonna hang up now.
Buddy: I love you. 'll call you in five minutes.
Walter: No, no, buddy, don't, uh... You... you don't have to call me, okay?
Buddy: Good idea, you call me.
Walter: Okay. I'm gonna hang up now.
Buddy: I painted a picture of a butterfly.
Walter: Good. I'm gonna hang up now.
Buddy: I tuned the piano. Okay, I love you. Bye.
Greenway: Hobbs.
Walter: Hey! How you doing?
Greenway: Please, sit down. I haven't seen you since the retreat. You're looking good.
Walter: Oh, thank you very much. You as well. To what do I owe the, uh, pleasure?
Greenway: Well, to be honest, I got a call from my niece. She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon escape the clutches of a certain evil witch.
Walter: Believe me, uh, we're already looking for new printers. This one has obviously gotten a little sloppy.
Greenway: Maybe it isn't the printer who's gotten sloppy. That's your signature, right?
Walter: You know, we could sit here and point fingers all day.
Greenway: I've got news for you... Even if those two pages were in there, the book still would have sucked. Have you seen the numbers for this quarter?
Walter: Uh, they'll be here today.
Greenway: Oh, they're in. That frigging puppy and pigeon are tanking hard, Hobbs. My people estimate we're gonna post a minus eight for this quarter. A minus eight! That does not happen!
Walter: You know, we'll... we'll bounce back, we...
Greenway: No, no, no.
Walter: No? Well...
Greenway: We're gonna ship a new book the first quarter.
Walter: First quarter?
Greenway: I'm gonna be back in town on the 24th. At that time, I would love to hear in exact detail what your plans are for this new book.
Walter: Uh, wait a minute, the, uh the 24th, that's Christmas eve.
Greenway: And?
Walter: And, uh... No problem. Be great to have you in the loop.
===Snowball Fight===
[School bell rings]
Michael: All right, I got every weapon in the game. I got full health, I got full armor.
Buddy: Michael!
Michael: I got full...
Buddy: Michael! It's me buddy!
Kid: You know that guy?
Michael: No, I've never seen him before.
Buddy: It's me buddy! Your brother!
Michael: Oh, man.
Buddy: No, Michael! Wait! It's your brother Bud...
[Tires screech]
Buddy: Sorry. Sorry! Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael, wait up! Michael! Michael!
Buddy: Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up with you. I waited five hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news... I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework, huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?
Michael: (now annoyed) Go away!
(Suddenly, a kid appears from behind a rock and hurls a snowball at Buddy’s eye.)
Buddy: Ow! Son of a nutcracker!
(Micheal is now surprised. More and more kids appear and start hurling snowballs at both of them.)
Michael: Run!
Boy: Get him! Get the green guy!
[Boys jeering]
(At this point, hundreds of snowballs are flying everywhere like bullets in a war zone. Buddy and Michael take cover behind a large rock.)
Michael: Oh, no. These guys are bad news. We better get outta here.
(The enemy kids continue throwing snowballs)
Buddy: You know what? We can take 'em. Okay, just start making as many snowballs as you can.
(As Michael attempts to make a single snowball, Buddy makes dozens of them offscreen in just seconds)
Buddy: You ready? Let's go.
(Buddy pokes out from behind the rock and starts rapidly hurling snowballs back at the enemy kids with perfect aim. The kids retreat.)
Boy: Run!
(One kid attempts to throw a snowball at Buddy, Buddy dives out of the way and the snowball just misses him by a few inches. Buddy then throws his snowball, which hits the kid in the face. Michael watches as the kid runs away crying. Just then, he sees another kid about to get away.)
Michael: Oh, man. One got away.
Buddy: Snowball.
(At his command, Micheal puts a snowball into Buddy’s hand. Buddy then hurls the snowball at the kid, and the kid collapses.)
Michael: Wow. Where did you say you were from?
Oh, yeah
Candles burning low
Lots of mistletoe
Lots of snow and ice everywhere we go
Choirs singing carols right outside my door
All these things and more
Buddy: I wish Dad were here.
Michael: Why?
Buddy: 'Cause he's the greatest dad in the whole wide world.
Michael: Are you kidding? He's the worst dad in the world.
Buddy: What do you mean?
Michael: All he does is work.
Buddy: Working's fun.
Michael: Not the way he does it. All he cares about is money. He doesn't care about you, or me, or anybody.
Buddy: Well, he is on the naughty list.
Michael: You like her?
Buddy: Like who?
Michael: The girl you're staring at.
Buddy: Oh, uh... Yeah.
Michael: Why don't you ask her out?
Buddy: Out?
Michael: You know, on a date... to eat food.
Buddy: Food?
Michael: Yes, real food, not candy. And if she says yes, you're in. It's like a secret code girls have.
Jovie: Well, look who it is.
Buddy: Hi, Jovie.
Jovie: Hi.
Buddy: Oh, uh, this is Michael.
Michael: I'm his brother.
Jovie: Hi. So, what are you doing here? Did Gimbel's give you your job back?
Buddy: No. But things worked out pretty good. They gave me a restraining order.
Jovie: Well, um, you should probably get outta here.
Gimbel's Manager: Ho ho ho!
Buddy: But... I really wanted to see you, And... and I think you're beautiful, and I, um... I feel really warm when I am around you, And, um, my tongue swells up. So... Do you wanna go eat food?
Jovie: Do I... do I wanna eat food?
Buddy: Mm-hmm. You know, uh, the code... food.
Jovie: Well, I just had my lunch break.
Buddy: Oh, okay. I understand.
Jovie: But I'm free on Thursday.
Buddy: Thursday! Thursday! Come on. That'd be great. All right. Was that okay?
Michael: You did great, man.
Buddy: What should we put on it first?
Michael: Lights!
Buddy: Oh, good. And then, after that?
Michael: Ornaments!
Buddy: Ornaments, okay.
Walter: What the hell's that?
Michael: A Christmas tree.
Walter: A Christmas tree?
Michael: Buddy chopped it down in the park.
Walter: Emily.
Emily: I don't know what you're making such a big deal about. They were just having a little fun.
Walter: Oh, fun? So felonies are fun now? I thought, see, felonies were felonies.
Emily: Okay, the tree thing was bad. I'll get him to plant another one. But at least Michael is happy for once.
Walter: What, uh, what's that supposed to mean?
Emily: Well, I don't think it's any secret, Walter, that you haven't exactly been there for him.
Walter: I'll tell you what, why don't we just pull him outta school and let the, uh, deranged elf man raise him? Then they can have lots of fun committing felonies.
Michael: How are we gonna get the star on top?
Buddy: I got it.
[Buddy leaps onto the tree. He and the tree go toppling together.]
Walter: I mean, what are we gonna do? We can't... we can't leave him alone here. He's gonna destroy the place. Why don't you, um... Why don't you take off tomorrow? You know, and you could stay home and watch him?
Emily: Oh, no. No, I can't stay home tomorrow, I have a budget meeting tomorrow. 
Walter: Well, honey, I can't take off, I'm one... one bad pitch away from getting fired... one.
Emily: Well, I tell you what, I have an idea then. Why don't you take buddy to work with you?
===Buddy at Work===
[Elevator chimes]
Jack: Hey, Walter.
Walter: Morning, Jack.
Buddy: Morning, Jack.
Sarah: Oh, good morning, Mr. Hobbs.
Walter: Good morning, Sarah.
Buddy: Good morning, Sarah. That's a nice purple dress. It's very purple-y.
Walter: Francisco.
Deborah: How's it going, Mr. Hobbs?
Buddy: Francisco, that's fun to say..." Francisco." [Gasps] Hi! Hi. Do you remember me?
Deborah: I do. I didn't recognize you.
Buddy: I know, I'm in work clothes.
Walter: Thank you, Deborah.
Buddy: Thanks, deb. Deb, you have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.
Deborah: You just made my day.
Buddy: Eww.
Walter: Buddy. You don't have to drink that.
Buddy: Thank you.
Buddy: Francisco. Francisco. Francisco. Francisco.
Walter: Buddy?
Buddy: [Whispers] Am I too loud?
Walter: Just... just a little.
Buddy: Sorry.
Walter: Yes, Bud?
Buddy: Why is your name on the desk?
Walter: I bought the desk. My name's there so no one steals it.
Buddy: That's a joke, isn't it, Dad?
Walter: Yeah, buddy, that's a joke.
Buddy: So, what are we gonna build?
Walter: No, uh, we don't do that kind of work here, pal.
[Phone rings]
Buddy: Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?
Walter: Put that down. Hello? Hello? Please, don't touch anything.
Buddy: Sorry.
Walter: Hey... Bud, have you... have you... Have you ever seen a mailroom?
Buddy: A mailroom? No.
Walter: No?
Buddy: No.
Walter: Oh, I mean, wow.
Walter: Wow... listen, it's a place where mail from all over the world comes,
Buddy: Uh-huh.
Walter: And they sort it out there, see? And you can touch it all, And they put it in these shiny bins.
Buddy: Shiny bins?
Walter: Right. What do ya think?
Buddy: It sounds great.
Walter: Good.
Buddy: Can we go there?
Walter: Well, um... I gotta work here, maybe... maybe you can work there.
Buddy: Okay, I'll work there.
[Rap music playing]
Buddy: Oh, I don't think this is the place my dad was talking about. Is there a different mailroom?
No. This is the only one.
Buddy: It's not very shiny.
Now... over here's the trench. All the mail comes out that shooter. Scan and find the floor each piece is moving to. Put it in a canister and shove it up the tube with the same number. You got that?
Buddy: I think so. This place reminds me of Santa's workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms, And everyone looks like they wanna hurt me.
Walter: Uh, Greenway's coming in tomorrow, so, what... what do we got?
Eugene: Well, Morris and I have been brainstorming, and we've come up with what I think is a pretty big idea.
Walter: Great, what?
Morris: You're gonna love it, it's fantastic.
Walter: What?
Morris: Okay, picture this: We bring in Miles Finch.
Walter: The Miles Finch?
Morris: The golden ghost. 
Eugene: We bring him in! He's written more classics than Dr. Seuss. 
Morris: I ain't gonna be easy, but I think it's worth a shot.
Walter: My two top writers, my crack team, my fun squad... You came in here pitching me, the idea of hiring another writer?
Morris: Yeah.
Eugene: Miles Finch.
Walter: I like it. [Chuckles] I like it.
Buddy: Then I traveled through the seven levels Of the candy cane forest And past the sea of swirly-twirly gumdrops. [Gasps] Ooh! Wow... it's sucky. Ohh, it's wonderful. Yes! That is marvelous how that... Oh! [Laughs] Oh, it's very sucky. It's very... sucky. Whoo. So, how'd you get here?
Work release.
Buddy: Oh, syrup and coffee? Why didn't I think of that? Can I try some?
Be my guest.
Buddy: Very generous of you. Mmm. [Gasps] I love syrup. Ohh, I love it.
Buddy: You know, I know I sound like a broken record, But we are buddies. You're my best friend, that's it. You're my best friend.
You know, buddy, nobody around here listens to me. I got really good ideas. 
Buddy: Yeah? I believe it. I know, I'm right, I listen to you. You have great ideas.
I just try to go with the flow, you know?
Buddy: Good, you go with the flow.
Yeah. Go with the flow.
No, I gotta get out of the flow.
Well, then get out of the flow.
I'm in the flow, that's what got me here.
I gotta... I'm 26 years old, I got nothing to show for it.
Buddy: You're young. You're so young. My papa... Buddy: He didn't make master tinker till he was 490,so...
[Laughing]
Four-hundred and ninety? Yeah.
[Laughing]
Tickle fight! Tickle fight!
Tickle fight! Tickle fight!
Morris: My favorite book of yours has gotta be Gus' Pickles. It's existential, yet it's so accessible.
Eugene: Uh, Mr. Finch, uh, Eugene Dupris here. It's a thrill just to be talking to you on our speakerphone.
Walter: Miles, um, so, what do you think? Can you fly in tomorrow?
Finch: I'll give you five hours tomorrow, not a minute more.
Walter: Oh, that's... that's great.
Finch: I'd like a black s500 to receive me at the airport. I need the interior of that car To be 71 degrees exactly.
Walter: We can do that. 
Deborah: Mr. Hobbs? There's a situation downstairs.
Finch: I'm sorry, what?
Walter: No, hold on, Miles. Deb, hang up.
Finch: I do not hold. Do not put me on hold.
Deborah: We have a problem in the mailroom.
Finch: What's going on?
Walter: Don't speak... Deborah, hang up!
Finch: That's it, I'm gone.
Walter: Miles!
Finch: I'll be there tomorrow... 71 degrees.
Deborah: Sir, chuck in the mailroom needs to talk to you.
Walter: Chuck... what, chuck? I mean, what could be going on down there That's so important you had to interrupt me, what?
Whoomp, there it is! A little louder
Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all
Whoomp! There it is
Upside down and inside out hey!
I'm 'bout to show all you folks
What it's all about hey!
Time for me to get on the mike
And make this mother of a party hype
I'm taking you back to the old school
'cause I'm an old fool who's so cool
If you wanna get down, I'm gonna show you the way
Whoomp, there it is, let me hear you say
Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all
Whoomp! There it is a little louder
Whoomp, there it is! Come on, y'all
Whoomp, there it is!
[Door buzzer]
Jovie: Coming.
[You make me feel so young playing]
Jovie: Hi.
Buddy: Wow. You look miraculous.
Jovie: So do you.
Buddy: Thank you.
Jovie: What would you like to do?
Buddy: I got some ideas.
Buddy: Just reach out in front of you and and take a sip. Don't look. There you go. Well?
Jovie: It tastes like a crappy cup of coffee.
Buddy: [Chuckles] No.
Jovie: It is a crappy cup of coffee.
Buddy: No, it's the world's best cup of coffee.
Buddy: The trick is to not get your arm caught in the door! Also, never close your eyes cause then you'll get sick. Okay, when you feel comfortable, you just jump in!
Jovie: [Laughing] What are you doing?
Buddy: I'm skipping. I'm skipping. I'm skipping. Wait, wait, wait... one more, one more.
Buddy: Now, look at the size of this one.
Jovie: Come with me.
Buddy: Watch out. Yellow ones don't stop. The yellow ones don't stop.
Buddy: Wow... that's a big one.
Buddy: I'm sorry.
Jovie: You missed.
Buddy: What do you mean I missed?
Jovie: You missed.
===Miles Finch===
[Elevator chimes]
(the elevator opens, seemingly looking like nobody is inside. Footsteps are heard exiting the elevator. A woman at her desk looks confused, but then realizes who it is.)
Miles Finch.
Miles Finch.
Miles Finch.
Finch: All right, let's do this.
Walter: Miles, I'm so happy you could come Uh...
Finch: Yeah.
Walter: I'm Walter Hobbs.
Finch: Yeah, let's get the, uh... taken care of so we can get started here.
Walter: Here you go.
Finch: Great. All right... [clears throat] What have you guys got so far?
Walter: Go ahead.
Morris: Uh... We were thinking, uh, something like this, uh... We open on a young tomato. He's had some tough times down at the farm with, you know, a rabbit, and...
Finch: No. No tomatoes... Too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.
Walter: No, you see? I... I told you guys. I told them the very same thing...
Finch: And no farms. Everybody's pushing small town rural. A farm book would just be white noise.
Eugene: What about this? Uh, a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.
Walter: Apparently, all we have is vegetables. I have no time, so, you know, If you've got a story here...
Finch: I've got about five or six great starts here. I've got one idea that I'm especially psyched out of my mind about. You know, it's one of those ideas where you're just like, uh... Yes!
Walter: Whoa! [chuckling] Uh, great, c-could we hear it?
Finch: I'll start with the cover. Picture this... you got, uh...
Buddy: Dad! I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!
Walter: Buddy, not now, uh, can you please go back to the... to the pit? I'll come and visit you in a little while, okay?
Buddy: I didn't know you had elves working here.
Finch: (sarcastically, thinking that Buddy is making fun of his midget stature) Oh... boy, you're... you're hilarious, my friend.
Walter: He doesn't, uh... get back to the story, please.
Finch: All right, okay. [clears throat] So, on the cover above the title...
Buddy: Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
Finch: (sarcastically) You know, we're all laughing our heads off.
Buddy: Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Walter: Buddy... go back to the basement.
Finch: (Now getting annoyed with Buddy) Hey, jack weed, I get more action in a week than you've had your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris, and Vail,
Buddy: Oh.
Finch: Each one of them with a 70-inch plasma screen. So, I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and smack it off! You feeling strong, my friend?! Call me elf one more time!
Buddy: [Whispers] He's an angry elf.
(Miles, now at his breaking point, jumps onto the desk at starts charging at Buddy angrily)
Buddy: Look at you. Ow! Hey, what... Aah!
Buddy: I wasn't ready for that. Aah! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
Morris: Ooh...
Finch: (strangling Buddy) Call me elf one more time! Call me elf!
Buddy: (Taking this literally) Y-You're an elf.
(Miles then performs a suplex move on Buddy into the wall) 
[Glass shatters]
Walter: Miles, I'm sorry, he... he thinks he's an elf. Listen, Miles... Listen, Miles!
(Miles furiously storms out of the office)
Buddy: (Gets up) He must be a South Pole elf.
Walter: (beyond enraged with Buddy) You get the hell outta here.
Buddy: Where do you want me to go?
Walter: I don't care where you go. I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're nuts! (Now loudly shouting) I don't care that you're my son! Get out of my life! Now! (Buddy sadly walks away. Walter’s colleagues look at him in disbelief at his outburst.)
Emily: Hi, it's me.
Walter: I really can't talk right now.
Emily: Well, just tell me how the pitch went.
Walter: I'm gonna be a little later than I thought, okay?
Emily: Well, don't be too late, Walter, It's Christmas Eve.
Eugene: Walter...
Walter: Wait, um, Honey, I gotta go, okay? Love ya.
Emily: Oh, say hi to Buddy.
Walter: What?
Eugene: Walter, breakthrough. We found this in the conference room.
Walter: What is it?
Eugene: It's Miles Finch's notebook. This thing is chock full of genius ideas. I mean, look at that.
Morris: And his best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm. What's more vulnerable than a peach?
Walter: What, uh, what do we do?
Eugene: I think we should go with the first pitch... it's genius.
Walter: Uh, how much time we got?
Eugene: We got, like, 45 minutes.
Walter: Well, come on, let's, uh, try to get a storyboard or something ready.
Eugene: Come on, let's do it.
Walter: Just try. No, you can't sit down and get a storyboard ready. Go and get a storyboard ready.
Eugene: Oh, boy! Go.
===Buddy Runs Away===
Buddy: "I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'll never forget you. Love, Buddy."
Walter: God...
Michael: Hey, buddy. Buddy?
Greenway: As you know, we need a big launch fast to get the company back on track. So, I think I speak for my fellow board members when I say... this better be good.
Walter: Before I get into the story, uh, let me start with the cover, okay? Now, just picture this...
Michael: Dad! I gotta talk to you.
Walter: Michael, what is it?
Michael: Buddy ran away.
Walter: What?
Michael: He... he left a note. I'm scared, Dad, he's gone.
Walter: Uh, let me just finish this meeting, and then, um, we'll figure it out, okay?
Michael: [angry at his dad's selfishness] Figure out what? Buddy cares about everybody. All you care about is yourself.
Walter: Hey, Michael. Wait.
Walter: We're gonna have to reschedule this, uh, Mr. Greenway.
Greenway: We don't have time to reschedule. I wanna hear the damn thing now. Son, you'll have to wait.
Walter: No, d-don't tell my kid what to do, uh... can't... can't we do this another time, Mr. Greenway?
Greenway: I flew in just to hear this pitch, and I intend to.
Walter: It's gonna have to wait.
Greenway: If you wanna keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now.
Walter: Well... up yours.
Michael: Yeah, up yours.
Walter: Hey.
Greenway: Hobbs... Hobbs! Hobbs, you walk out of here, and... and you're finished at greenway! You're finished!
Buddy: I don't belong anywhere.
Michael: Buddy! Buddy! Buddy, where are you?!
Santa: Prancer, pull! Come on! Come on! Vixen, up, up!
Buddy: Santa?
Santa: Come on, you can do it. Pull up! Pull up!
Michael: Dad!
Walter: What? Michael, where you going? Michael!
===Santa in Central Park===
Buddy: Santa.
Santa: Back off, slick. You'll scare the deer. Buddy, is that you?
Buddy: Are you okay?
Santa: Boy, am I glad to see you. The Claus-o-meter suddenly just dropped down to zero. There's just no Christmas spirit anymore. And then the strain was too much, the engine broke free of her mounts.
Santa: I need an elf's help.
Buddy: I... I'm not an elf, Santa. I... I can't do anything right.
Santa: Buddy, you're more of an elf than anyone I ever met, and the only one who I would want working on my sleigh tonight.
Buddy: Really?
Santa: Really. Will you fix it for me, Buddy?
Buddy: I'll try. Papa taught me how.
Santa: You gotta find it first. It dropped off the sleigh back over there a ways.
Buddy: The engine?
Santa: The engine, yeah. Go, buddy. Go, Mr. Elf! [Chuckles]
Charlotte: I'm standing here outside central park where it is unclear exactly what has happened. What we do know is that authorities have closed the park and are in the process of clearing it. The only thing that people can seem to agree on here Is that they saw something fall from the sky. I've got an eyewitness with me who claims to have seen the whole thing firsthand. What did you actually see?
You know, I was walking around and I saw this thing, and my daughter actually pointed it out to me.
Oh, your daughter saw it?
Sweetheart, can you tell me what you saw falling out of the sky?
It was Santa's sleigh!
Charlotte: Santa's sleigh, well, there you have it. Santa's in Manhattan.
Sorry to interrupt your first big news story, Charlotte, but New York one has just received some exclusive amateur news footage that you just might Anna follow up on. There seems to be a strange man dressed as an elf wandering through central park. Now, I don't know if this is the kind of hard-hitting news You're used to covering in buffalo, charlotte,
Oh, my god. 
But here at New York one, News is top priority.
Walter: What the heck...?
Buddy: Hey! You found it.
Michael: Buddy!
Buddy: I need to tell you something.
Walter: No, no. Buddy, there's something I have to tell you right now. Um, I didn't mean anything I said back there, not word. I know you may be a little, um, um... uh, chemically imbalanced, but you've been right about a lot of things. I... I don't want you to leave. You're my son, and I... love you.
Walter: Uh, Buddy, uh... what was it you wanted to tell me?
Buddy: Oh, right. Come with me.
Walter: Right.
Buddy: Come on.
I'm here with another eyewitness who has his own version of what happened. Sir, what did you see?
I think you're great, charlotte. Uh, I saw something fall from the sky right into the middle of central park. I mean, you're a great news lady.
Thank you. Could you tell me a bit more about what you saw fall from the sky?
Yeah, yeah. Your eyes tell the story, That's what I love about you. You've got a great mouth. The thing just dropped in the middle of central park. It was amazing, and everybody's, like, going crazy.
Dick, uh, according to authorities, The area has been cleared. Only the central park rangers now remain in the park. These forces are highly trained, but rarely see action. Some have accused them of being too gung ho when called into duty, and their controversial crowd control tactics at the Simon and Garfunkel concert in '85 are still under investigation.
Santa: I knew you'd find it, Mr. Elf! Slap it on real quick, we've got to get going. That ta boy. [Chuckles]
Walter: So, uh... you're, uh...
Santa: Santa Claus.
Walter: Right.
Santa: Would you mind taking this to your firstborn?
Walter: Sure. Um, uh, and my firstborn, he's an elf?
Santa: Yes.
Buddy: Actually, I'm adopted.
Santa: Uh, Michael, would you open this hatch for me, please? That ta boy, thank you.
Michael: So, you're really Santa Claus?
Santa: You never can tell, kid. Tell me, Michael, what do you want for Christmas?
Michael: I wanted a skateboard.
Santa: Oh, not just a skateboard. A real huffboard. Looked here. Looked here... How do you like them apples? Go look and see.
Michael: Whoa.
Michael: What happened?
Santa: You made my sleigh fly.
Michael: What do you mean?
Santa: Well, before the turbine days, this baby used to run solely on Christmas spirit. You believed in me. You made my sleigh fly.
Michael: Hold it... if you're really Santa Claus, then we can just get some news cameras in here, and everyone will believe in you, then your sleigh will fly, right?
Santa: Christmas spirit is about believing, not seeing. If the whole world saw me, all would be lost. The paparazzi have been trying to nail me for years.
Michael: Hey, look!
Santa: Oh, no. It's the central park rangers.
Buddy: Dad, Michael... I got a plan.
Santa: Whoa, wait! Wait, Michael... my list! You bring that list back right now, you hear me?!
Walter: Come on, give me your hat and coat.
Santa: Mrs. Claus made them for me.
Walter: Hey! Hey, here I am! Ho ho ho! Hey, ho ho ho! Hey! Hey!
Michael: Excuse me. Thank you. Excuse me.
So the authorities have not discovered any reindeer in the park?
No, no reindeer.
Sleigh bells?
No, no sleigh bells, either.
Elves?
Michael: Excuse me, please.
None of that, we really just need everyone...
Michael: It's him, it's the real Santa! His sleigh won't fly,' cause nobody believes in him!
Charlotte: Did you see something in the park?
Michael: Everyone out there, Santa needs us to believe, I can prove he's real. Look, this is his list!
Charlotte: Okay... well, further confirmation that there has been a Santa sighting tonight. We have the naughty and nice list.
Michael: Lynn Kessler wants a Powerpuff girls playset.
[Gasps]
Michael: Mark Weber wants an electric guitar.
Mark: Yes!
Michael: Carolyn Reynolds wants a Suzy-talks-a-lot.
Carolyn: Thanks, Buddy.
Michael: Dirk Lawson wants a day of pampering at Burke Williams spa. Stan Tobias wants a power pumper water pistol.
Must be another Dirk Lawson.
Michael: Dave Keckler wants some Nike shocks.
Charlotte: Okay, uh, well, obviously we have a new development in the story, uh, a confirmation that Santa must have been sighted because we have his book right here. [Chuckles] 
Michael: What's your name?
Charlotte: Uh, I'm Charlotte Denon, New York one.
Michael: "D," "D..." Charlotte Denon wants Tiffany engagement ring and for her boyfriend to stop dragging his feet and commit already.
[Crowd oohs and aahs]
Santa: We've got power!
Newsman: Charlotte... Charlotte?
Michael: Hey, turn the cameras back on!
Charlotte: Who told you to say that?
Michael: It's the real Santa. We need to get these cameras back on. He needs our help!
Jovie: Hey, Michael, are you okay?
Michael: Yeah, I'm fine. But Buddy, he's... he's in the park with Santa, the sleigh won't fly 'cause there's no Christmas spirit.
Emily: Michael!
Michael: Mom!
Emily: Michael! Ohh! Are you okay?
Michael: I'm fine.
Jovie: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. [Sighs]
Santa: Buddy... better get going, get in now!
Buddy: Santa, I'm not done with the engine yet!
Santa: Can't wait! On, Dasher, on, Dancer...
Buddy: I'm not done with the engine!
[Santa cheers]
Buddy: That's okay. You get started, I'll catch up!
Walter: You know, he wasn't lying.
Emily: [Chuckles] Merry Christmas.
Buddy: Santa, I can't...
Santa: Stop messing around and get in!
Buddy: Santa, why are they chasing us?!
Santa: I put them on the naughty list, and they never forgave me.
Jovie: You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming' to town
Santa: Yaah, yaah, yaah!
Santa: Up, up, pull up!
Santa: Buddy! We need power, we're gonna crash!
Jovie: He's making a list, Checking it twice
Gonna find out who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming' to town
Emily: He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
Micheal: So be good for goodness sake
Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa: You can do it! Come on, Dancer. That's my boy. Pull, Cupid! Aah! Pull, Dasher!
Santa: I'm getting too old for this job.
Buddy: Now!
Buddy: The engine's gone!
Santa: We're toast!
Charlotte: Well, still no sign of Santa, But some spontaneous Christmas caroling has broken out right here in front of central park. Let's have a listen in.
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows if you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Hey!
You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I'm telling you why
Come on!
Santa Claus is coming' to town
Santa: Just a little more! Hal-yah!
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've
Michael: Wait... you're not singing.
Walter: Yes, I am.
Michael: No, you're not. You're just moving your lips.
Buddy: Santa!
Walter: Michael, please, what's the big deal?
Michael: Dad.
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Oh! Ha ha ha!
Santa: Now, my beauties!
[Santa chuckling]
Buddy: Bye-bye.
Santa: Just like the old days!
Newsman: Charlotte? Charlotte? Well, I guess we'll never know for sure what happened this Christmas Eve in central park.
Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!
Papa Elf: And so, with a little help, Buddy managed to save Christmas. And his spirit saved a lot of other people, too.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
Papa Elf: Walter started his own independent publishing company. His first book was written by a brand new, Critically acclaimed children's author. The book was elf... A, uh, fictional story About an adopted elf named Buddy who was raised in the North Pole, went to New York, ate spaghetti, worked in a shiny mailroom, and eventually saved Christmas.
Buddy: "First, I traveled through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, past the sea of twirly-swirly gumdrops and then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel."
Papa Elf: And as for me, I can't complain. Buddy comes up to visit from time to time.
In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he is parson brown
Papa Elf: Oh, thank you, Jovie. That's very sweet of you .
Jovie: You're welcome, papa.
But you can do the job when you're in town
Buddy: Hey, Suzie.
Papa Elf: Come here, little one. Papa wants to see you.
Category:Transcripts
Category:New Line Cinema Transcripts
Category:Christmas transcripts