Caradoc's account (Zoom session)

Thinking inside the box
(Caradoc started dictating something to Garaf to write it down but Garaf told him to “piss off - busy learning spells”. So you get his downloaded stream of consciousness instead. Lucky party.)
We learn from Eliezure that the box of goblet holding can be grown to a 20’x20’x20’ cube which seems unnecessarily large given there are only 9 goblets in total. Caradoc fondly imagines that the procedure for growing it involves some variation of the big box small box hand dance move beloved of Ibizan night clubs of the nineteen nineties but struggles to picture Eliezure in an Ibizan nightclub, except maybe slowly nursing a glass of iced water while fixedly staring into the distance in a smoke wreathed mirror above the bar. One can envisage going for a drink with Rasten (albeit a few drinks later he suspects this might end really quite badly) but this dark elf far too equidistant right-angles. No wonder Sorlor chucked him for the “fun” guy.
Caradoc points out that lobbing a giant bit of golem into the top of that 20’ high box may constitute a new and entertaining sport but present some difficulties if it needs be done quickly – Hamish suggests we tip the box on its side allowing those with storm giant strength to simply slide the golem bit in. Caradoc notes that contrary to all received wisdom Hobbit Monks do have a use.
Eliezure tells us he can throw some buff spells on us but needs at least an hour contemplating his navel before he does whatever he is doing with the scrying circle and all such spells must be cast before starting his period of navel contemplation. This would appear to rule out the 29th level haste spell he was offering us as it would run out well before his navel lost its attraction. Caradoc wonders whether an elven archimage deeply engaged in navel contemplation would be more amenable to having their pockets investigated but concludes this might be unjustly considered a major breach of etiquette. As a minor aside it might also screw up his ritual leading to some bad shit happening with a big unfriendly golem and we can all imagine who would get unjustly blamed for that.
Quercuis points out that what we could probably do with is a 20’x20’x20’ stasis field to hold those who are hasted until the combat begins and as luck would have it, we now have one handy. Caradoc looks around for such an unseen temporal phenomenon lurking in the recesses of the cave but notices everyone else with wisdom is looking at the box. He points out it will be a bugger to climb into and out of even if hasted. Hamish opines that if we tip it on its side now it will allow easy egress – Caradoc is confused by this monkly vocabulary but notes that contrary to all received wisdom Hobbit Monks do have a use.
A very cunning plan is hatched whereby characters who want to be hasted will enter the box (on its side) which will be closed on them to be reopened (still on its side) just before the brown stuff hits the proverbial.
Caradoc observes that low wisdom appears to be a requirement for entry into the box as all the mages/clerics/druids are shuffling away muttering about spells to learn, songs to sing or dicky hearts. This may be because while someone remembers testing the box on a fancy mouse or a canary or something a while ago, and it surviving the experience, we are now bypassing Phase II and Phase III trials and going straight to product launch on humanoids in a hyper-critical situation. Caradoc thinks OFUUMI (Office For Unregulated Use of Magic Items) would have a field day with this one if anyone tells them.
Eliezure also seems highly dubious about the scheme with the box primarily on the basis that why would anyone in their right mind voluntarily enter a permanent stasis field entirely dependent on other people to let them out. Caradoc concludes that Eliezure has not had enough time getting to know Umar or Twoo. This is probably a good thing as he is going to be mostly reliant on those two dealing out enough damage to keep him alive. In Caradoc’s humble opinion Umar and Twoo would sell their own grandmothers and indeed anybody else’s handily available grandmother for a high-level haste going into a major combat. Luckily Eliezure’s grandmother is nowhere to be seen otherwise there may have been another major breach of etiquette.
Eliezure does pass on some useful tips about what to look for when the brown stuff is about to start flying. This is so those with wisdom can duck the brown stuff, open the box and let the (hopefully still alive) hasted psychopaths loose. He also warns us to remove all items from the box as once we have closed it up with a bit of golem in it we aren’t going to ever want to open it again. So Umar takes a goblet in case he feels the need to brain someone with it again and Caradoc volunteers to looks after the other, for pretty much the same reason, only with subtlety.
Caradoc cannot for the life of him understand why Eliezure has Umar and Twoo protecting him rather than a battalion of elven stormtroopers and concludes everyone is taking some bloody prophecies far too seriously and also not telling those who appear to be pivotal to those bloody prophecies what those bloody prophecies say. He therefore deduces that the small print of those bloody prophecies may not be kindly to those protecting the dark seer or their grandmother’s or something else like that that might worry us sufficiently so as to change our course of action, like wisely buggering off at this point. Rasten, who Caradoc supposes has wisdom, has already wisely buggered off although Caradoc reckons this is probably nothing to do with some bloody prophecies about his grandmother.
Characters then choose where they would most like to be attacked in this cave – Caradoc choses to stand next to Garaf on the basis that Garaf has an exit plan on a couple of scrolls and is most likely to use it to wisely bugger off irrespective of the state of the rest of the party. What he will say is he is going to “protect our mages” as per Rasten instruction. In any event, of our four mages, one is likely to collapse faster than an overcooked souffle and the other two run around so much it’s completely exhausting watching them let alone consider the absolute futility of trying to keep up with them.
The souffle is going to stand on top of the box in big box mode with Q. as on call medic/emotional support druid trying to delay its collapse as long as possible. Caradoc points out that all this might be tricky if the box is open - Hamish reiterates that if it is tipped on its side it will allow easy surmounting – Caradoc is confused by this monkly vocabulary but notes that contrary to all received wisdom Hobbit Monks do have a use.
Caradoc then notes that the cube will have to be shrunk before it can be teleported anywhere and that process might hurt those standing on top, or indeed its side if the side is now the top. Hamish points out that it is only 2d6 damage, however this is more than enough to account for a souffle on a bad day although he has some feathery protrusions which might reduce the damage if he is still conscious at that point. This seems more than hopeful to Caradoc since Twoo Is apparently intending to do a fair impersonation of a HIMARS which will make him even more of a TARGET than usual.
Anyway, the plan is set and some of us are probably not going to make it out, hopefully just the grandmothers. Come to think of it being in the box ain’t such a bad plan – it is warranted to be safe in runes on the inside after all, although Caradoc doesn’t know who to sue if this turns out to be a  misrepresentation.
There is some debate about where to teleport to after Stormhaven in the unlikely event that some of us make it out of this cave. It was noted by those with wisdom that there may be a lizardy army bearing down on the front gate of Northlake by this time. Twoo proposes the Dunes in Whitebeach and everyone ignores him except to make sure he hasn’t got any teleport scrolls.