The Purge

The Purge is the eighth episode of season six, and the sixty-sixth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on April 4, 2022. 
==Plot==
Worried that reports of rising crime are harming his favorability, Mr. Biden decides to sign an executive order making all crime legal for a day, in the hopes that it will reduce annual crime rates. 
== Story ==
[The episode opens in Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: Good morning students. I graded your persuasive speeches last night. 
[Mr. R’Onion hands a paper to Mr. Pineapple.] 
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT?! I got a F?! Look, just because you disagreed with my “In Defense Of Plagiarism” speech doesn’t mean you can just fail me! 
Mr. R’Onion: Travis, you got an F because you plagiarized it. 
Mr. Pineapple: And what’s wrong with that? Didn’t you learn anything from my speech?! 
Mr. Bass: Travis, you should be ashamed of yourself! The right to intellectual property is by far the most important right there is! 
Mr. Sullivan: What about the right to equal protection under the law? 
Mr. Bass: Eh, I could take it or leave it.
Mr. R'Onion: Well, now that I've handed out your persuasive speeches, let's start the class like we always do - by looking at the news! 
[Mr. R'Onion turns on the TV.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Crime rates have surged all across the country, with Republicans placing the blame squarely on nonexistent Democratic efforts to defund the police. Political analysts are predicting that the surge in crime could hurt Democratic prospects in the midterms and possibly lead to a Republican take over of Congress. 
[The scene then cuts to the Oval Office, where Mr. Biden, Mrs. Harris, and Mr. Banana are also watching the news on TV.] 
Mrs. Harris: What wonderful news! 
Mr. Biden: What do you mean, Jack? Why are you celebrating crimes going up? I thought you were a tough-on-crime cop! 
Mrs. Harris: I am! More fish committing crimes means more fish to arrest! 
Mr. Biden: But didn’t you hear what they said? This crime surge could hurt our chances at retaining Congress! 
Mrs. Harris and Mr. Banana: So? 
Mr. Biden: I’ve got it! Let’s do a Purge!
Mr. Banana: A what? 
Mr. Biden: A Purge! We’ll create a new holiday - called the Purge. For one day, all crime will be legal. With people being given a day to express their criminal intentions without repercussions, no one will have any reason to commit crime on any other day of the year! The crime surge, solved! 
Mr. Banana: I don’t think this would poll well…
Mr. Biden: Come on, Jack! Think about it! With the Purge in place, we’ll be able to rape as many women and commit as many war crimes as we like! 
Mr. Banana: But we already do that anyway!
Mrs. Harris: Joe, what is wrong with you?! 
Mr. Biden: What, you think there’s an ethical issue with creating conditions that foster crime? 
Mrs. Harris: No, I don’t care about that! My problem is with creating conditions that foster crime, while not allowing me to arrest people. 
Mr. Biden: You people are such Debby Downers. This idea is great! You’ll see. 
Mr. Banana: I won’t see, because such an inane idea will never get through Congress! 
Mr. Biden: Is that so? Well, I’m going to go talk to Mr. Schumer and Mrs. Pelosi right now! 
[Cut to Mr. Schumer and Mrs. Pelosi.] 
Mr. Schumer and Mrs. Pelosi: Nope. 
Mr. Biden: But what about the crime surge hurting our chances to keep the Congress! 
Mrs. Pelosi: Good! Then we can blame Republicans for not passing progressive legislation! 
Mr. Schumer: Exactly. Right now people expect us to do things! But if the Republicans are in control, we can just continue to sit on our asses all day long! 
Mr. Biden: But the Republican Party is full of far-right extremists! If they take control, we won’t be able to do anything to mitigate climate change! Millions of people will die! 
Mr. Schumer and Mrs. Pelosi: So? 
[Cut the Oval Office. Mr. Biden walks in.] 
Mr. Banana: So what did they say? 
Mr. Biden: [sighs] They said no. 
Mr. Banana: Great! I’m glad we can finally put this silly idea to rest. 
Mr. Biden: That’s why I’m signing an executive order! 
Mr. Banana: WHAT
[cut to BBTV] 
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Mr. Biden has signed an executive order creating a new federal holiday, known as the Purge. 
[Cut to Fred, who is watching the news on TV.] 
Fred: A new holiday? Boy, that sounds great! You know, I wasn’t planning on voting this year, but because of this I’ll cast a vote for the Democrats! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: During this holiday, all crime will be temporarily legal, including murder, rape, and torture. 
Fred: WHAT
[Suddenly Mr. Pineapple crashes through the window, armed with an AK.] 
Mr. Pineapple: All citizens of the Imperial Core shall pay for the crimes of Bikini Bottom! [shoots Fred’s leg] 
Fred: MY LEG! 
[Cut to the Oval Office, where Mr. Banana is staring at the TV with a shocked expression on his face.] 
Mr. Biden: Pretty good idea, huh Jack? 
Mr. Banana: YOU DAMN FOOL! You have a 41% approval rating! And with this, it’s going to plunge even lower! YOU COULD GET ASSASSINATED!
Mr. Biden: Relax Jack. No one’s gonna assassinate me. 
[Suddenly Mr. Lobster enters the room, armed with an AK.] 
Mr. Lobster: I’m here to assassinate you! 
[Cut back to Mr. R'Onion's Environmental Science classroom. Mr. Pineapple hops into the class from the window. His shirt is stained with blood.]
Mr. Pineapple: I'm back!
Mr. R'Onion: TRAVIS! You can't just cut class to murder fish! Do you have any idea how incredibly unprofessional that is?! Due to your antics, you're gonna fall incredibly behind! 
[The bell then rings.]
Mr. R'Onion: Normally I would put you in detention for this, but since today's the Purge, instead I shall be avenging the death of the carrots. 
[He holds up several medieval torture devices and exits the classroom. The students also exit the classroom. Outside the Bikini Bottom High building, there is an ice cream truck. Attached to it is a sign that says “Free Ice Cream”. Mr. Sullivan walks up to the truck.] 
Mr. Sullivan: Oh boy, ice cream! Say wait a minute. Mr. Renaud, this isn’t just an attempt to kidnap and rape us again, is it?
Mr. Renaud: Absolutely not! This business is 100% legit! 
Mr. Sullivan: Oh, okay. HEY EVERYONE! MR. RENAUD IS GIVING AWAY FREE ICE CREAM! 
Mr. Pineapple: Oh boy, I love free stuff! 
[The students run over to the ice cream truck, where they are quickly pushed into the van by Mr. Bass. Mr. Renaud grins, slamming his floor on the pedal and beginning to drive.] 
Mr. Sullivan: You know we really should’ve seen that coming. 
Mr. Renaud: OH YEAH BABY! PEDOPHILIA IS LEGAL! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! 
[Cut to CPTV Studios.] 
Mr. Renaud: This is the worst day of my life. 
Mr. Sullivan: What’s wrong, Mr. Renaud? How come you stopped raping us? 
Mr. Renaud: It’s been three hours and the police still haven’t arrived! There’s no risk! What’s even the point of raping children if you don’t caught?! 
[Mr. Renaud sighs and walks over to the door.]
Mr. Renaud: There’s just no point anymore. 
[He leaves the room.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Hey everyone, while everything’s legal, who wants to hack into the school computers and change their grades?
[The students cheer.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE STRAIGHT!
[The scene cuts back to the Oval Office. Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana have been backed up into a corner, while Mr. Lobster points a gun at them.]
Mr. Lobster: I’ve got you cornered now! 
[Suddenly Mr. Pineapple crashes through the window.] 
Mr. Pineapple: I’m here to assassinate you! 
Mr. Lobster: Hey! No fair! I was here first! I should be the one to assassinate the president, not you! 
Mr. Pineapple: Nope. 
[Mr. Pineapple takes out a taser and tases Mr. Lobster. He then turns to Mr. Biden, pointing his AK at the president’s heart.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Time for you to die! 
Mr. Biden: You know, Jack, I also have a gun! Here, let me show you!
[Mr. Biden unzips his pants.] 
Mr. Pineapple: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ABORT MISSION! 
[Mr. Pineapple quickly jumps back out the window.] 
Mr. Banana: Quick, while he’s down, let’s go! 
[Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana run away. The scene cuts to Mr. Banana’s house.] 
Mr. Banana: We can stay here until the Purge ends. 
[Cut back to the Oval Office, where it is now night. Mr. Lobster wakes up and looks around.]
Mr. Lobster: Huh, no one’s here. 
[He quickly gets up and sticks his face out the window.]
Mr. Lobster: QUICK, WHILE HE’S GONE!
[A group of fish carrying a throne with Mr. Trump on it enter the White House.]
Fish: Gee Mr. TRUE PRESIDENT OF BIKINI BOTTOM, this throne sure is heavy. Can’t you get off it until we bring it to the Oval Office?
Mr. Trump: Nope. 
[The fish drag the throne with Mr. Trump on it all the way to the Oval Office, setting it down.]
Fish: I think I broke my back. 
Mr. Trump: Finally I am back where I truly belong! 
Fish: So what’s gonna be your first action now that you’re president again, Mr. Trump?
[Mr. Trump cracks open a can of Diet Coke and turns on the TV.] 
Mr. Lobster: AT LONG LAST, LEGITIMACY HAS BEEN RESTORED TO THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OF BIKINI BOTTOM!
[Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana then enter the room, along with several security officers. The security officers then handcuff the Trump team.]
Mr. Trump: Hey, what’s the big idea?! I’m the president! You work for me! 
Security: Sir, it’s midnight. The Purge is over. Coups are now illegal again. 
Mr. Lobster: THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY STRIKES AGAIN! You may have won this battle, but WE SHALL WIN THE WAR! We have only begun to resist the globalists. We have only begun our fight against their tyranny. They have tried to steal this election in front of everyone. We declare 1776 against the new world order.… We need to understand we’re under attack, and we need to understand this is 21st-century warfare and get on a war-footing….
[Mr. Lobster continues blabbering as they are dragged out of the Oval Office and the episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom