Quilty Pleasures

===Cold Open===
(The episode begins with Josh recording Candice on his phone)
Josh: We're live with the final event! Candice the Crusher is gonna try and set the world record! And, go!
(Candice begins her obstacle course by jumping off a chair, running across the room, jumping over Alex, climbing up and jumping off a table, activating rollerblades under her shoes. She rolls into the kitchen, around the bathroom, while laughing, then back the same way. She starts laughing in slow-motion as she rolls into the air)
Josh: Go Candice!
(Josh takes a picture, when Candice suddenly hits a chair, and falls)
Josh: Ooh!
(Candice falls onto Alex, who screams, then spins out of control into the air-vents, which causes a crack in the wall to destroy the thermostat, somehow causing the A/C to start sucking everyone into it. Candice flies in)
Josh: Candice!
(Josh goes to grab her, but gets sucked in too, followed by Alex, who grabs onto a table leg. Bridgette walks in from the kitchen)
Bridgette: What the hell are you guys-
(Bridgette gets sucked in too)
Bridgette: Oh crap!
(Emily walks into the room)
Emily: What's happening!?
(Everybody is seen trying to prevent getting sucked into the A/C)
Josh: Turn off the thermostat!
(Emily sees a remote, grabs it and throws it towards the thermostat, causing the A/C to stop sucking everything up, and drop Josh, Alex, Candice and Bridgette, who all groan in pain. Josh gets up to check his phone)
Josh: Damnit! I just took a picture.
===Main episode===
(Enter Chamomile Elementary, Candice's school, Candice is waiting for her parents with Mr. Campbell)
Candice: Last time I got to eat ice cream for dinner so I wouldn't remember they were late! But I do remember.
Mr. Campbell: Yeah, my dad moved out when I was four, I remember that too.
(Josh and Emily enter the classroom)
Josh & Emily: Hey!
(Candice sees them and runs over to give them a hug)
Candice: Yay! Do I get ice cream again?
Josh: Haha! What do you mean?
(Josh whispers to Candice)
Josh: Play this right and you'll get a waffle cone.
(Mr. Campbell walks up to them)
Mr. Campbell: Emily! Joshua! I was so worried when you didn't show up. Is everything okay? Do you guys wanna sit down? Have a juice box?
Josh: We can't, we've gotta -
Mr. Campbell: Guys...
(Mr. Campbell walks over to a class poster)
Mr. Campbell: Never say "I can't", always say "I'll try". Heheh, let's sit.
Josh: I'll try.
(Josh and Emily both sit down, as Mr. Campbell pulls out a board with loads of patches on it)
Mr. Campbell: Guys, I'm concerned that Candice hasn't turned in her patch yet for the family tree quilt project. This empty space is where Candice's project would go.
Emily: I never heard about a quilt project!
Mr. Campbell: Sorry, look. I know you're new here at Chamomile, it's a tough school and not every family is up to the task. Candice's project needs to be done by tomorrow so we can present it at the event in the morning.
Emily: Event? What event?
Mr. Campbell: I sent you guys the class snap.
(Mr. Campbell gets his phone out with Snapchat installed)
Mr. Campbell (on phone):Okay guys, remember the family heritage event is tomorrow, and each student will present their patches to the class and parents. So don't be late!
(Mr. Campbell's dog filter licks the screen)
Mr. Campbell: But if Candice isn't able to participate, then I'll be forced to give her an A.
Josh & Emily: Oh!
Mr. Campbell: Which stands for "almost acceptable, but not quite", and I don't usually like being that harsh.
Josh & Emily: Oh.
(Cut to Josh, Emily and Candice driving back home)
Emily: You know what? We're gonna do the hell out of that project!
Josh: Yeah! We're totally gonna kill it at the presentation!
Emily: Make those other kids' patches look like S-H-I-T!
Josh: Total S-H-I-T!
Candice: Are you guys spelling "shit"?
Emily: Damnit, those teachers are good!
Josh: So glad we can send her to that school.
(Cut to Josh and Emily in their car. Alex and Bridgette are outside talking with Candice)
Bridgette: O-M-G! We get to take care of Candy Cane?
(Bridgette goes to the car window)
Bridgette: A few quick questions before you go.
(Bridgette and Alex enter the car)
Bridgette: This is so not happening.
Emily: What, why? We live together, can't you babysit for one night?
Bridgette: Babysitting doesn't exactly jell with my plan to get off tonight.
Alex: And I - wait. Get off from what? You don't even have a job.
Bridgette: Come on, Alex.
Alex: Oh, orgasm? You're trying to have an orgasm tonight and that's why you can't help look after this beautiful angelic child?
(Emily points towards the back window)
Emily: Oh my God, what's that?
Bridgette & Alex: Huh?
(They look behind them as Emily and Josh quickly kick them out of the car and drive off)
Candice: Bye!
(Josh and Emily arrive at the Alley market. A kid is seen taking a scorpion lollipop that makes him breathe fire, lighting up some beverages for three men wearing luchador masks. Josh suddenly notices a churros shop)
Josh: (gasps) They've got churros here!
Emily: Josh, we didn't come all the way down to the fashion district to get churros. Since I'm an expert haggler, I'll buy the fabric. You just need to buy the thread.
Josh: Got it. This is for Candice!
Emily: Candice!
(Josh and Emily chest-bump. Josh goes to search for some thread)
Josh: Does anyone know where I can find thread?
(Josh is seen at a sunglasses shop)
Josh: Thread?
(Now wearing sunglasses, Josh approaches a thread store called "Bright Thread Fred")
Thread Store Worker: Hilo! Hilo! (translation: Thread! Thread!)
Josh: Thread? Does anyone have any thread?
Thread Store Worker: No se que estas diciendo. (translation: I don't know what you're saying)
Josh: Aw, you're selling Nintendos?
(Josh sees a churro stand and gasps. Cut to Emily bargaining for some fabric)
Emily: Tres cincuenta la yarda? Sabes que tengo a José en el carrito de franela diciéndome tres cincuenta.(translation: $3.50 a yard? You know I've got Jose at the flannel cart telling me $3.50.)
(Cut to Josh, now eating a churro, getting a blue suit fit onto him)
Josh: Have you guys seen thread?
(Josh hears a bird squawk, and walks over to it)
Josh: (gasps) That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!
(There is a bird stand called "Pajaro Pals")
Pajaro Pals Worker: Mi señor, Pajaro Pals. Where we make birds look like you!
(Cut to Josh now walking down the street with a bird cage, containing Bird Josh)
Josh: Looking good, Bird Josh!
Bird Josh: (squawks) Gringos cabróne! (translation: Dumbass Whiteboy)
Josh: Heh, love you too.
(An urchin runs passed Josh and steals his wallet)
Josh: My wallet! Hey kid!
(Josh runs after the urchin. Cut to the apartment)
Bridgette: Where's Candice? She isn't in her room.
Alex: I don't know. She said she was gonna go grab dinner.
Bridgette: Five year olds don't just grab dinner! You have to order it on GrubHub for them.
(Alex and Bridgette go looking for Candice)
Bridgette: Candice!?
(She looks in a cupboard)
Bridgette: Candice!?
(Alex looks in a toilet)
Alex: Candice!?
(Alex and Bridgette check behind some cushions, to find a magazine that says "Irresponsible Babysitter Monthly)
Alex & Bridgette: Candice!?
(Cut to Pearle and Randy's apartment. Candice walks in)
Candice: Dinner! Is it okay if I hang out over here with you guys?
Pearle: Sure, Candice. Let your landlord, Pearle, take care of it for you. Randy! Set a plate!
Randy: Ma, I'm trying to focus! Agh! This anniversary gift's never gonna look casually artful!
Candice: What's casually artful?
Randy: Well, it's like a thing that doesn't seem like it takes a lot of work, but it kinda does and -
(Candice takes two tickets and puts them both diagonally opposite each other, and draws a heart around them both. She presents it to Randy)
Candice: Here's a heart.
Randy: Eureka. Children are the future.
(Cut to the fashion district. Josh meets up with Emily)
Josh: (sighs) You're not gonna believe what happened.
Emily: Josh? Where have you been?
Josh: My wallet got stolen.
Emily: What? Oh my God, are you okay?
Josh: No, I'm not okay. My freaking Togo's card was in that wallet. I had nine punches on it.
Emily: Aw, they got the thread too?
Josh: (inhales) I never had time to get the thread. It took me a lot longer than I thought to get that BJ.
(Emily slaps Josh)
Emily: What!?
(Bird Josh squawks)
Josh: Bird Josh!
Emily: Ugh, Josh! You had one job!
(Close-up of a speakerphone. A woman is heard)
Announcer: The Fashion District is now closing.
Emily: Agh!
(Emily sees a fabric store closing its shutter doors)
Emily: Consuelo, wait! I need that fabric!
(Consuelo laughs evily, while slamming the door in her face. Emily turns around and sees all the other shutter doors in the district slam shut)
Emily: No!!!!
(Cut to sometime later, Josh and Emily are walking through the Alley)
Emily: Ugh, we're never gonna make this quilt in time!
Josh: Maybe Bird Josh can help.
(Josh lets Bird Josh out of his cage)
Josh: Go on, find our car, boy!
(Bird Josh flies off)
Bird Josh: Gringos cabróne! (translation: Dumbass Whiteboy) (squawks)
Josh: Love you too!
Emily: He's not coming back. That's not what he's saying.
(They see a silhouette run passed them)
Emily: What was that?
Josh: I don't think we're alone.
(They see the silhouette run away from them, Josh realizes who it is)
Josh: Hey, that's the kid who stole my wallet!
(The kid jumps onto a dumpster can then climbs up a ladder)
Josh: I worked hard for those Togo's stamps!
(Josh attempts to imitate the kid by jumping onto the dumpster can, but he falls into it instead. He quickly climbs out and onto the ladder. He chases the kid on a rooftop, when he suddenly reaches a dead end. He quickly catches his balance, but a piece of the floor breaks off and he falls to the ground. He sees the kid enter a small enclosed hideout protected by wooden planks. He follows her, but is almost out of breath)
Josh: You know, you can't just take things that don't belong to you-
(He sees huge group of silhouettes walk towards him. He begins to back off towards the entrance)
Josh: Uh-I mean, haha, maybe you can? I don't want any trouble.
(A kid walks out of the shadows and is visible)
Calamari: No, please sir. Scold us some more!
Josh: Oh. You guys are just kids? Where are your parents?
Calamari: These are the only parents we got!
(A kid turns on a light and it reveals two sewn threaded parents)
Walleye: Mind the world-class stitchwork, sir!
Calamari: Grandad just got into an accident.
(Pan over to a threaded grandfather in a pool off threaded blood, being trampled by threaded horses)
Calamari: He got trampled by horses, he did!
Josh: Oh my God. So...you guys are really good at sewing?!
(Emily enters the hideout)
Emily: Josh! You find that Togo's punch card?
Kids: Mummy! It's Mummy!
Josh: Yep, here she is!
Emily: Why are these adorable British street urchins calling me "mummy"?
Josh: They're gonna make the family quilt for us!
Emily: Josh. They stole your wallet. They're bad kids!
(Calamari gives Josh his wallet back)
Calamari: Please, miss. We're not bad kids. My name is Calamari, and these are my friends: Walleye, Tilapia, Troutface, and Scrod!
Scrod: It's pronounced "scrod"!
Emily: Can you really make a quilt for us?
Calamari: Yes we can! And all we ask for in exchange is some sweet, sweet parenting.
Josh: Ehhh?
(Cut to Emily singing a song with her guitar)
Emily: We're making a quilt for Candice. A family tree quilt for Candice. These orphan took us to this factory. Dangerous machines, so much to see. It kinda all smells like rat piss, but we're doing it all for Candice. Oh my God, that kid just fell in the vat. Did anybody else notice that? And I think that kid is handless. But we're doing it all for Candice. In a cave, a giant rat attacked us, but we're doing it all for Candice!
(Emily whistles in the song, as we see the kids making the quilt at different work stations...Emily realizes something and briefly stops singing)
Emily: Wait. This totally isn't a sweatshop, right?
Josh: Maybe?
(Emily finishes her song)
Emily: But we're doing it all for Candice...
(Transition to later on, a kid has covered Josh and Emily's eyes. They move their hands and Josh and Emily gasp. They see the quilt)
Kids: Ta-da!
Josh: Whoa!
Emily: Everyone's gonna see that we're totally the best parents at that school!
Calamari: Can we ask one thing before we give you the quilt?
Josh: What?
Calamari: Could you tuck us in?
Emily: Of course!
(Josh and Emily tuck all the kids in. This includes Emily putting Scrod into an air vent)
Josh: *sighs* Sorry I spent all our money on zoot suits and churros.
Emily: Sorry I got too obsessed with bargaining. I don't know if it's the moonlight through the smog, or the toxic fumes in this alley, but you look so sexy when you're being a good parent.
(Josh and Emily make out, as the camera tilts up to Scrod watching them in his vent)
Scrod: Scrod likey! *giggles*
(Fade to the next morning. The sun rises and Josh wakes up)
Josh: Hey, you.
Emily: Hey, you.
Josh: Last night was so great.
Emily: Really great night.
Scrod: Really, really great.
(Pan to their right, Scrod is seen lying under the family tree quilt with them, but suddenly looks elderly. Josh and Emily scream and look around the place, only to see that the "kids" all look elderly too, and are lying on the quilt with them)
Josh: What happened to the British kids? How'd they get so gross?
Calamari: We're not gross, and we're not kids, and we're not British!
Emily: What have we done?
(Josh checks his phone)
Josh: It's 8 o'clock. We've gotta get this quilt to Candice before school!
(Josh and Emily quickly put their everyday clothes on and pull the blanket away from the kids, who start to chase them)
Elderly urchins: Mummy...daddy...
(They corner them into a wired fence)
Josh: We're not your parents!
Calamari: Of course you are. That was the price for the quilt, remember? Remember?
(Bugs start crawling out of her mouth. Cut to black.)
(The next scene begins with them still cornered against the fence)
Elderly urchins: Mummy...daddy...
Josh: Run!
(josh and Emily run towards the exit of the alleyway) while the urchins chase them
Emily: Josh!
(They spot their car and gasp, but Calamari whistles, signalling more urchins to block them in with a dumpster. Emily picks up a trash can and throws it at the kids, helping them to leave the alley. They get to their car but are suddenly surrounded by the elderly urchins)
Josh & Emily: Agh!
(Suddenly, squawking is heard, as we see Bird Josh fly into the shot. He knocks the urchins over)
Josh: Bird Josh, you came back!
(Calamari whistles again, as we see her holding an eagle that looks like her. The eagle screeches and decapitates Bird Josh. Bird Josh's remains fall to the ground, as his head mutters his last words...)
Bird Josh: Gringos cabróne... (translation: Dumbass Whiteboy...)
Josh: Bird Josh! No!
(Josh runs into the urchins and grabs one of them, then spins them around to knock over the others. Emily quickly makes a run for it and gets into the car)
Emily: Josh, get in the car!
(The urchins jump onto the back of the car, but get thrown off as it drives away. Josh and Emily both breathe heavily. They look in the mirror and see the kids getting further away. Josh sniffles)
Josh: He was a good bird.
(Emily puts her hand on Josh's shoulder)
Emily: He was a great bird.
(Scrod suddenly jumps onto the car's windshield, Josh and Emily scream)
Scrod: Sign me up for karate classes! Ahahahaha!
(Emily steps on the breaks, throwing Scrod into a postbox, which explodes. Scrod dies)
(Cut back to the apartment, a firetruck is seen leaving the building with Pearle waving it off.
Pearle: Let me know when the calendar comes out, boys! All your sweet little asses.
(Josh and Emily pull up)
Emily: Oh my God! Is everything okay?
Pearle: Well, everybody's fine, and they managed to get Candice off to school. But it certainly wasn't pretty. Had to cut Alex out of the vent like he was a can of tuna.
(Josh gasps)
Josh: Alex was stuck in the vent?!
Emily: Yeah, yeah, whatever. She said everybody's fine!
(Emily pulls Josh back into the car and quickly speeds off)
Pearle: Dumbass white people.
(Cut to Chamomile school, Candice is presenting a family tree patch. Josh and Emily quickly rush in)
Candice: Hi! I made my quilt patch all by myself!
(She shows the patch, which shows the family completely nude & pixelated)
Josh & Emily: Oh...
Josh: That's really great, Candice.
(Emily speaks to Alex and Bridgette, the former is in a complete mess)
Emily: I'm so sorry, guys. Thank you.
Bridgette: We learned a lot. About Candice, about each other.
Alex: But mainly, we learned we never want to have kids.
Bridgette: So glad we got divorced before that happened.
Mr. Campbell: Gotta say, you get a solid F in my book.
(Josh and Emily gasp)
Mr. Campbell: Which stands for "finally doing something right"! Most parents at this school don't even let their kids do their own projects.
(josh and Emily laugh nervously, Emily hides the family tree quilt and passes it to Josh, as Mr. Campbell walks off)
Emily: Get rid of it!
(End of "Quilty Pleasures")
Category:Close Enough Transcripts