South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut/Transcript

SINGING:
 There's a bunch of birds in the sky
 And some deers just went running by
 Oh, the snow's pure and white
 On the earth rich and brown
 Just another Sunday morning
 In my quiet mountain town
 The sun is shining
 And the grass is green
 Under the three feet of snow I mean
 This is the day
 When it's hard to wear a frown
 All the happy people stop
 To say hello
 - Out of my way!
 - Even though the temperature's low
 It's a perfect Sunday morning
 In my quiet mountain town
 Well, good morning, Stan.
 - Mom, can I have $8 to see a movie?
 - A movie?
 It'll be the best movie ever.
 A foreign film from Canada.
 - All right. But be back for supper.
 - Thanks, Mom.
SINGING:
 Oh, what a picture-perfect child
 Just like Jesus he's tender and mild
 He'd wear a smile
 While he wore a thorny crown
 What an angel with a heart
 So sweet and sure
 And a mind so open and pure
 Thank God we live
 In this quiet redneck mountain town
STAN:
 Dude! Dude, wake up!
STAN:
 Kenny, come on!
 The Terrance and Phillip movie is out.
 You wanna come?
 Where do you think you're going?
 (KENNY MUMBLES)
 You have to go to church!
 Well, fine.
 Go ahead and miss church.
 When you die and go to Hell,
 you can answer to Satan!
KENNY:
Okay.
STAN SINGS:
 Hanging in the air
 You see homeless people
 But you just don 't care
 It's a sea of smiles
 In which we'd be glad to drown
 (KENNY MUMBLES)
 That's right!
 It's Sunday morning
 [choir joins in] In our quiet little
 White-bread redneck mountain town
 - Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
 - Don't kick the baby.
 Kick the baby.
 [Ike screams, giggles]
 [Glass shatters]
 Ike, you broke another window!
 That's a bad baby. Bad baby!
 We're going to
 the Terrance and Phillip movie.
 Oh, my God!
 Kyle, where are you going?
 - We're going ice-skating.
 - Take your brother.
 He's not even my real brother.
 He's adopted.
 Do as I say!
 Okay, I'm sorry.
SINGING:
 Look at those frail and fragile boys
 It really gets me down
 The world is such a rotten place
 And city life's a complete disgrace
 That's why I moved to
 This redneck meshuggenah
 Quiet mountain town
 Ike! Bad baby!
 ANNOUNCER ON TV:
 Brought to you by Snacky Smores...
 ...the fun of s 'mores in a cookie.
 Mom, somebody's at the door!
 - Coming, hon.
 - I can't see the TV!
 It's been six weeks since Saddam
 Hussein was killed by wild boars...
 ...and the world is still
 glad to be rid of him.
 Eric, it's your little friends.
 What are you doing here?
 Sweet, dude. Yes!
SINGING:
 Off to the movies we shall go
 Where we learn everything
 That we know
 'Cause the movies teach us
 What our parents don 't have time to say
 And this movie's gonna
 Make our lives complete
 - 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet
 - Super sweet.
 Thank God we live in the quiet little
 Redneck Podunk white trash
 U. S.A.
 Can I have five tickets to
 Terrance and Phillip **ses of Fire?
 No.
 What do you mean?
 **ses of Fire is rated R by the
 Motion Picture Association of America.
 You must be accompanied
 by a parent or guardian.
 - Why?
 - This movie has naughty language!
 Next, please.
 - This can't be happening.
 - We have to see it.
 Screw it.
 It probably isn't good anyway.
 Cartman, what do you mean?
 You love Terrance and Phillip.
 But the animation's all crappy.
 Wait. I've got an idea.
 Hi. I want six tickets
 to **ses of Fire.
 This movie may not be appropriate
 for the little ones.
 He says this movie
 isn't appropriate for you.
 Mr. Homeless Guy,
 if you don't want $ 10...
 ...to buy a bottle of vodka,
 then be my guest.
 Six tickets, please.
 - Let me have some candy.
 - Let's see.
 I don't have any Jewish candy.
 Like you need
 all that chocolate, fat boy!
 The movie's starting.
 Hooray!
 Terrance, what did the Spanish priest
 say to the Iranian gynecologist?
 I don 't know, Phillip. What?
 (FARTS)
 Where do they find this stuff?
 You're such a pig-****er, Phillip.
 What did he say?
 Why'd you call me a pig-****er?
 Well, let's see.
 First of all, you **** pigs.
 Oh, yeah.
TERRANCE:
 Well, **** my **s and call me a b*tch.
 You sh*t-faced cockmaster.
 Wow!
 "Sh*t-faced cockmaster."
 You donkey-raping sh*t-eater.
 "Donkey-raping sh*t-eater."
 "Donkey-raping sh*t-eater."
 - You'd **** your uncle!
 - You'd **** your uncle!
SINGING:
 Shut your ****ing face, Uncle ****a
 You're a cocksucking
 **s-licking Uncle ****a
 You’re an uncle ****er, Yes, it's true
 Nobody ****s uncles quite like you
 Shut your ******* face, Uncle ****a
 You're the one that ****ed your uncle
 Uncle ****a
 You don 't eat or sleep or mow the lawn
 You **** your uncle all day long
 (FARTING TO MUSIC)
 What's going on here?
 (FARTING TO MUSIC)
 - What garbage.
 - What do you expect? They're Canadian.
PEOPLE SING:
 Uncle ****er, Uncle ****er
 Uncle ****er
 Shut your ******* face
 Uncle ****a
 You're a boner-biting bastard
 Uncle ****a
 - You're an uncle-fucker, I must say
 - Well, you ****ed your uncle yesterday
 Uncle ****er
 That's U-N-C-L-E **** you!
 Uncle ****aaaaaaaa!
 Suck my balls.
 - That movie was ******* sweet!
 - You bet your ******* **s it was!
 ****, I wanna be
 just like them.
 Wait, where's your guardian?
 I knew it! 
 You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?
 **** off, you donkey-raping sh*t-eater.
KYLE SINGS:
Uncle ****er
BOYS SING:
 Ball-sucking uncle-****er
 Where have you been all day?
 Nowhere. We just went to go see
 the Terrance and Phillip movie.
CLYDE:
 How'd you get in?
 Stop crowding us,
 sh*t-faced cockmasters!
 Wow!
 You're all **s-ramming uncle-fuckers.
 Ooo!
 We've got to see this movie.
 Terrance and Phillip are Canadian,
 just like my brother.
STAN SINGS:
 There's the girl that I like
 Tell about when Terrance called Phillip
 a testicle-sh*tting rectal wart.
 Now more than ever
 She gives me butterflies
 It makes my stomach queasy
 Every time she walks by
 **shole, I'm talking to you.
 I know I can be cool
 If I try
 Hi, Stan.
 Gross!
 Wendy, let us try to jump
 the hilly brush.
 Who are you?
 Gregory. I transferred from Yardale,
 where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
WENDY:
 Want to skate with us?
 We've been skating all morning,
 laughing and talking of memories past.
 We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
 Try and catch me, Wendy.
 Bye, Stan.
 I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.
 Who wants to touch me?
 I said, who wants to ******* touch me?
 Ooo!
 We gotta see the
 Terrance and Phillip movie too.
 I hate you, Kenny.
SINGING:
 Uncle ****er
 You're a boner-biting *******
 Uncle ****er
 MR. GARRISON:
 Okay, children, let's take our seats.
 We have a lot to learn today.
 We sure do, Mr. Hat.
 Let's start the day
 with a few new math problems.
 What is five times two?
 Don't be shy.
 Just give it your best shot.
 - Yes, Clyde.
 - 12?
 Now let's get an answer from
 someone who's not a complete retard.
 Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
 I think I know the answer,
 Mr. Garrison.
 - Shut up, fat boy!
 - Don't call me fat, you ******* Jew!
 - Eric! Did you just say the F-word?
 - "Jew"?
 You can't say "****" in school,
 you ******* fat **s.
 - Kyle!
 - Why the **** not?
 - Eric!
 - Dude, you just said "fuck" again.
 - Stanley!
 - Fuck!
 - Kenny!
 What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. ****, ****itty, ****.
 How would you like to go see
 the counselor?
 How would you like to suck my balls?
 What did you say?!
 I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
 Actually, what I said was...
 ...”HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR GARRISON?"
 Holy sh*t, dude.
 I'm disappointed in you boys.
 You should be ashamed of yourselves.
 I've called in your mothers...
 - You called my mom?
MR. MACKEY:
 Oh, no, dude!
 - Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
 - M'kay, what?
 What's the big ******* deal?
 I want to know where you heard
 these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
 - Nowhere.
 - We heard them from Mr. Garrison before.
 I seriously doubt
 that Mr. Garrison ever said...
 ..."Eat penguin sh*t,
 you **s-spelunker."
 [GIGGLES]
 Sweet.
 Uh-oh!
 Thank you for coming on short notice.
 This isn't like you, Stanley.
 What did my son say, Mr. Mackey?
 Did he say the S-word?
 No, it was worse than that.
 The F-word?
 Here's a short list of the things
 they've been saying.
 - Oh, dear God.
 - What the heck is a rim job?
 When you put your legs behind your head
 and have someone lick your ass.
 Tell Mr. Mackey this instant where
 you heard all these horrible phrases!
 We all swore ourselves to secrecy.
 - The Terrance and Phillip movie.
 - Dude!
 I wanna get out of here.
 Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?
 Excuse me.
 What is Terrance and Phillip?
 Terrance and Phillip are two
 very untalented actors from Canada.
 Nothing but foul language
 and toilet humor!
 I'll send a warning to parents before
 more children see Terrance and Phillip.
 - Everybody's ****ing seen it.
 - Eric!
 I can't help myself! That movie has
 warped my fragile little mind!
STAN SINGS:
 There's the girl that I like
 Over there laughing with that smart...
 You're holding up the god**** lunch line!
 Hello, there, children.
 - Hey, Chef.
 - How's it going?
 - Bad.
 - Why bad?
 We got busted for swearing.
 We can't ever see that movie again.
 That's too bad.
 You should've seen Kyle when
 his mom showed up. He was scared.
 - Shut up, Cartman!
 - I'd be scared. Your mom's a b*tch.
 Don't call her a b*tch,
 you fat ****!
 Don't call me fat, you ******* son of a b*tch!
 Where did you learn to talk like that?
CARTMAN:
 Pretty ******* sweet, huh?
 How do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
 That's easy.
 You just gotta find the clitoris.
 - Huh?
 - Oops!
 What does "find the clitoris" mean?
 Forget I said anything.
 Move along.
 You're holding up the line.
 Guys, do you know where I can find
 the “clitoris"?
 - The what?
 - Is that like finding Jesus or something?
 MR. MACKEY OVER P. A:
 Attention, students.
 We are now enforcing a new dress code
 at South Park Elementary.
 Terrance and Phillip shirts are
 not allowed in school.
 Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip
 shirt is to be sent home immediately.
KIDS:
 Hooray!
 The Canadian film, Asses of Fire, is number one at the box office.
 Is the film destroying
 American youth?
 Here with a special report is a midget in a bikini.
 The effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching indeed.
 All over America, children seem to be influenced, like at this spelling bee.
 This is for the silver medal.
 Spell "forensics."
 Why should I fucking
 have to spell "forensics"?
 Here you go. S-U-C-K-M-Y-*-*-S.
 Forensics.
 The devastating impact of the duo can also be seen with their hit song...
 ..."Shut Your ******* Face,
 Uncle ****er."
Page 11/54
RAPPING:
 Uncle ****er
 You're a boner-biting *******
 Uncle ****er
 I told you that we won 't stop
 I told you that we won 't stop
 Back to you, Tom.
 Thanks. Shocking report.
 The controversy began
 in the town of South Park...
 ...where the PTA is trying
 to ban the movie.
 With us tonight is the head of the PTA,
 Sheila Broflovski.
 - And the Canadian minister of movies.
 - Thanks for having me.
 Parents are concerned about your
 country's entertainment.
 The film isn 't intended
 for children...
 But of course children will see it.
 Can I finish?
 We're surprised by your outrage.
 - You just don 't care!
 - Can I finish? Hello?
 The U. S. Has graphic violence
 on TV all the time.
 We can 't believe a movie
 with foul language pisses you off.
 - Because it's evil!
 - Can I finish?!
 Please can I finish?!
 Okay, I'm finished.
 This film isn 't the first
 troublesome thing to come out of Canada.
 Let's not forget Bryan Adams.
 Our government's apologized
 for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
 You Canadians are all the same,
 with your beady eyes and flapping heads.
 I resent that! I find that racist...
 Our children are now addicted
 to your puke!
 You are a racist!
 It'll take us weeks to erase the damage
 this film has done to our children.
 Kids, I want to welcome you
 to rehabilitation, m'kay?
 Your mothers insisted you be taken
 from your schoolwork...
 ...and placed into rehab to learn
 not to swear.
 I don't belong with these rogues.
 I attended Yardale and had
 a 4.0 grade point average.
 - You're a ******* faggot.
 - M'kay, you see?
 This is what I'm talking about.
 We have to get you off of foul language.
 - How are we gonna do that?
 - Listen here.
RECITING:
 Suckered in
 By drugs and alcohol
 And sex with women, m 'kay?
 But it's when you
 Do these things too much
 That you've become an addict
 And must get back in touch
SINGING:
 It's all up to you, m 'kay
 With a little plan
 You can change your life today
 Don 't spend your life
 Addicted to smack
 Homeless
 Giving handjobs for crack
 Follow my plan
 And very soon you will say
 It's easy, m 'kay
 Instead of "**s" say "buns"
 Like "kiss my buns"
 Or "You're a buns-hole"
 Instead of "sh*t" say "poo"
 As in "bull poo"
 And "This poo is cold"
 With "b*tch" drop the "T"
 'Cause "b*ch" is Latin
 For generosity
 Don 't say "****" anymore
 'Cause "****" is the worst word
 That you can say
 So just use the word "m 'kay"
 We can do it
 It's all up to us, m 'kay
 With a little plan
 We can change our lives today
 You can change it today
 Don 't spend your life
 Shooting up in the trash
 Homeless
 Giving handjobs for cash
 Follow this plan
 And very soon you will say
 It's easy, m 'kay
 Step one
 - Say "buns"
 - Like "Kiss my buns"
 Or "You're a buns-hole"
 - Step two
 - Instead of "sh*t" say "poo"
 - As in "bull poo"
 - And "This poo is cold"
 - Step three
 - With "b*tch" drop the "T"
 'Cause "b*ch" is Latin for generosity
 - Step four
 - Don 't say "****" anymore
 It's the worst word
 You can say
 "****" is the worst word
 You can say
 We shouldn 't say "****"
 **** no!
 You're cured
 You can go
 Don 't spend your life
 Shooting up in the trash
 Homeless
 Giving handjobs for cash
 Follow this plan
 And very soon you will say
 It's easy, m 'kay
 Now you're cured. Take the rest of the
 afternoon off for personal reflection.
 Find your own constructive way
 to better yourself, m'kay?
 I hope you've learned
 something through this experience.
 I did. I learned that you are
 a boner-biting, ****-fart ****-face.
 Want to see the northern lights?
 You burned yourself to death
 by lighting your fart.
 I sure did, Phillip.
 Uncle ****er! Good night.
 Oh, man. This movie rules.
 Man, that movie gets better
 every time I see it.
 That part about lighting farts
 is bullsh*t.
 - You can't do that.
KENNY:
 No way.
 (KENNY MUMBLES)
 Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you $ 100
 you can't light a fart on fire.
 - Holy sh*t, dude!
 - Look out!
 Sh*t! Sh*t!
 Help! Somebody do something!
 This stick is on fire!
 Oh, my God! You killed Kenny!
 You *******!
 I guess you can light a fart on fire.
DOCTOR:
 of sodium Pentothal.
NURSE:
 We called the parents.
 Our moms will find out
 we went to the movie again.
DOCTOR:
 Vacuum!
 Try to untangle his trachea
 and esophagus.
DOCTOR:
 No, that doesn't go there!
 - Gross, Stan!
 - That's sick!
NURSE:
ASSISTANT:
DOCTOR:
 We'll lose him soon.
 His heart stopped.
 Get it out of there.
 Zap this, quick!
 Who's making a potato?
 My bad. I missed lunch.
 **** it, I'm not gonna lose this kid!
DOCTOR:
 Close him up. We've done all we can.
 The rest is up to God.
DOCTOR:
KENNY:
 How are you feeling?
 Great. Son, I have some bad news.
 We replaced your heart with a potato.
 You have three seconds to live.
 - ******* weak, dude!
 - Oh, my God. They killed Kenny!
 You *******s!
 **** it!
 It never gets any easier!
 I bet him he couldn't do it.
 I bet him $ 100.
 - It's not your fault.
 - No, I'm stoked I don't have to pay.
 That's real nice! He was your friend,
 you fat ****!
 So, boys, you saw that movie again?
 - Yes.
 - Well, Kyle, I have had it!
 You are grounded
 for the next two weeks!
 Grounded?
 And you, Stan. Come on.
 And you're grounded
 for three weeks, Eric.
 Why am I grounded more?
 That's bullsh*t.
 What, what, what?!
 What was that word, young man?
MALE SINGER:
 Little boy at peace
 What is this place
 Beyond the stars
 Open up your eyes
 What are these things
 You're moving toward
 Head so full of wonder
 Worries in the past
 Could it be that you are free at last?
 NO!
 What!?
 [HEAVY METAL]
 LITTLE BOY, YOU'RE GOIN' TO HELL!
 YOU SAID BAD WORDS, THREW ROCKS AT THE BIRDS, 
 AND NOW THIS IS YOUR HOTEL!
 YOU AIN'T GOIN BACK! THIS AIN'T DISNEYLAND, IT'S HELL!
 
 LITTLE BOY, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PAY
 FOR HURTIN' THAT BIRD, AND NOT GOIN TO CHURCH, 
 STARIN' AT BOOBS EVERYDAY!
 THOUGHT YOU WERE IN BED, INSTEAD YOU'RE IN ''HELL''!
 
 HELL ISN'T GOOD, NO, HELL ISN'T GOOD, YEAH!
 HELL ISN'T GOOD, NO, HELL ISN'T GOOD, YEAH!
 [Speaking German]
 Hey, ****-face, have you seen Gracie?
 There is orderliness in the universe.
 Parents, our children are
 out of control!
 This is what happens when toilet humor
 is allowed to run rampant!
 That's right.
 Kenny set himself on fire...
 ...because he saw Terrance and Phillip
 do it in that dirty movie.
 We must stop dirty language from
 getting to our children's ears.
 We must go fight the source of it!
 But what is the source?
 That's easy.
SINGING:
 Our kids are getting worse
 They won 't obey their parents
 They just want to fart and curse
 Should we blame the government
 Or blame society
 Or should we blame the images on TV
 No, blame Canada!
 Blame Canada
 With all their beady little eyes
 And flappin ' heads so full of lies
 Blame Canada
 Blame Canada
 - We need to form a full assault
 - It's Canada 's fault
 Don 't blame me for my son Stan
 He saw the darn cartoon
 And now he's off to join the Klan
 And my boy Eric once
 Had my picture on his shelf
 But now when I see him
 He tells me to fuck myself
 Well, blame Canada
 Blame Canada
 It seems that everything's gone wrong
 Since Canada came along
 They're not even a real country anyway
 My son could've been a doctor
 Or a lawyer rich and true
 Instead he burned up like a piggy
 On a barbecue
 Should we blame the matches
 Should we blame the fire
 Or the doctors who allowed him to expire
 Heck, no!
 Blame Canada
 Blame Canada
 - With all their hockey hullabaloo
 - And that b*tch Anne Murray too
 The smut and trash we must bash
 The laughs and fun must be undone
 We must lament and cause a fuss
 Before somebody thinks of blaming us
SHELLEY:
 All right, you turds, listen up!
 Your moms are at a meeting
 and they put me in charge of you.
 But you're still grounded,
 so you're not allowed to have any fun!
 Any questions?
 Shelley, where's the clitoris?
 You all sit there and keep
 your mouths shut...
 ...while I go listen to
 my Britney Spears records.
 Okay, it's clear!
 Our next guests have
 the number one movie in the world.
 Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!
 - Hello, Conan.
 - Hello, Brooke Shields.
 Some people claim that your Canadian
 humor is just immature fart jokes.
 That's not true.
 Take this classic Canadian joke.
 - Excuse me, Terrance.
 - Yes, Phillip?
 Gosh darn it!
 - Good one. Cheers.
 - Cheers, ****-face.
 You can't say that on TV.
 Now Terrance smells like my **s.
 I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.
 Does it make you nervous to be
 in America?
 Our organizations want you
 arrested for destroying children.
 - They'd have to find us first.
 - You're right. Now!
 Mothers Against Canada is placing you
 under citizen's arrest!
 - Mom?
 - What's going on?
 We have a court order for your arrest!
 Phillip, we've been ambushed!
 Here you go, Conan.
 This little scrotum-sucker deceived us!
 You are a bad man!
 Don't listen to them.
 You loved our movie, Conan.
 We watched it together.
 Remember? You laughed.
 What have I done?
 (CAR ALARM)
 (TURNS ALARM OFF)
 Did you see that?
 They arrested Terrance and Phillip!
 As Canadian ambassador...
 ...I condemn America's actions
 in apprehending Terrance and Phillip.
 The entire economy of Canada relies
 on Terrance and Phillip.
 Without them,
 we'd have a recession.
 What say you,
 Mr. American Ambassador?
 **** Canada!
 **** you, buddy!
 Terrance and Phillip
 will not be released.
 They'll be put on trial
 for corrupting America's youth.
 What's all the fuss about?
 The fuss is aboot taking our citizens!
 It's aboot not censoring our art!
 It's aboot...
 What's so god**** funny?
 Nothing. Could you tell us again
 what your argument is all about?
 This is not aboot diplomacy. This is
 aboot dignity. It's aboot respect.
 Aboot realizing that humor...
 Release them, or we'll
 give you something to cry aboot!
 Pilot to bombardier.
 We're nearing the target.
 Bomb's ready, buddy.
 (PHONE RINGS)
 No, this is Billy Baldwin.
 If you want Daniel Baldwin,
 call his extension, stupid!
 Alec, do you know what sucks
 about being a Baldwin?
 - No. What?
 - Nothing!
BILLY:
 You missed me!
 Your mothers are making me throw away
 my lesson plan and teach theirs.
 How come our moms arrested
 Terrance and Phillip?
 Yeah.
 Your moms are just upset.
 They're probably all on their periods.
 Not cool.
 Wendy and I think
 that was a sexist statement.
 Sorry, but I don't trust anything that
 bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
 Anyway, children, let's start off
 with some vocabulary.
 MR. MACKEY OVER P. A:
 Attention, students.
 What now?
 Come to the gymnasium immediately
 for a special announcement.
 - What's going on, Chef?
 - Something big, children.
 I can't find the clitoris.
 You have to help.
 Stan, the clitoris is...
 Take your seats.
 They're about to announce it.
 This is a state of emergency.
 Now to the White House for
 an announcement from the President.
 My fellow Americans...
 ...at 5 a.m. Today,
 a day which will live in infamy...
 ...the Canadians have bombed
 the Baldwins.
 In response to this, the U. S. Has
 declared war on Canada.
 - Oh, no.
 - War?
 - No, Gregory, no!
 - This is bad. Hold on to me.
 All the Baldwins are dead?
 It's time for us to send
 a message to Canadians.
 In two days, the war criminals,
 Terrance and Phillip...
 ...will be executed.
 They're gonna kill them?
 And now I'd like to bring up my newly
 appointed Secretary of Offense...
 ...Ms. Sheila Broflovski.
 Holy sh*t, dude!
 My fellow Americans...
 ...our neighbor to the north
 has abused us for the last time!
 - I have a plan...
 - Canadians want to fight us...
 ...because we won 't tolerate
 their potty-mouths.
 If it is war they want...
 ...then war they shall have!
 Dude, this is ******* weak.
 How could things be any worse?
 Fallen one, I am Satan.
 I am your god now.
 (KENNY SCREAMS)
 There is no escape.
 Now feel the delightful pain.
SADDAM:
 Hey, Satan.
 Did you hear the news?
 A war just broke out up on Earth.
 Meet Saddam Hussein,
 my new partner in evil.
 You're hogging all the fun.
 Man, this is getting me so hot!
 Would you let me do my job?
 Rub my nipples while I torture
 this little piggy.
 Could I talk to you over here?
 I don't see why you have to belittle me
 in front of people like that.
 Relax, guy.
 Sometimes, I think you don't have
 any respect for me.
 Come here, guy.
 Who's my cream puff?
 - I am.
 - That's my baby.
 I don't wanna be at war.
 You think they'll kill
 Terrance and Phillip?
 Kyle, stop being a chicken sh*t
 and stand up to your mother.
 Smack her and say, "That's enough
 of your sh*t, you b*tch!"
 Don't call my mom a b*tch!
 Stop it! This isn't helping.
 We've gotta think. Let's see.
 - What would Brian Boitano do?
 - Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
 What's going on?
 America thinks it has the right
 to police the world.
 Your government will kill two Canadians,
 an action condemned by the U.N.
 Home of the free, indeed.
 Let's play tetherball.
 This is about freedom of speech!
 About censorship!
 Be more political...
STAN SINGS:
 There's the girl that I like
 Now it appears
 That she likes another guy
 It must be because
 He's political and stuff
 I bet I could be political too
 What do you think, Stan?
 **** it!
 - This is all Kyle's mom's fault.
 - Shut up, Cartman!
 Kyle's mom started that **** club.
 - All because she's a fat, stupid b*tch.
 - Don't say it, Cartman!
 Well...
 Don't do it, Cartman.
 Well...
 I'm warning you!
 I'm sick of him calling my mom a...
SINGING:
 The biggest b*tch in the world
 She's a stupid b*tch
 She's a b*tch to all the boys and girls
 Shut your ******* mouth, Cartman!
 Monday and Tuesday she's a b*tch
 Wednesday to Saturday she's a b*tch
 On Sunday just to be different
 She's a super King Kamehameha b*tch
 Come on, you all know the words.
 Have you met Kyle's mom
 She's the biggest b*tch
 In the world
 She's a mean old b*tch
 And she has stupid hair
 She's a b*tch b*tch b*tch
 She's a stupid b*tch
 Kyle's mom 's a bitch
 And she's just a dirty b*tch
 Talk to kids around the world
 It might go something like this
 
 (Mock Chinese)
 (Mock French)
 (Mock Dutch)
 (Mock Swahili)
 Have you met Kyle's mom
 She's the biggest b*tch
 In the world
 She's a mean old b*tch
 And she has stupid hair
 She's a b*tch b*tch b*tch
 She's a stupid b*tch
 Kyle's mom 's a b*tch
 And she's just a dirty b*tch
 I really mean it
 Kyle's mom
 She's a big fat fucking biiiiiiiiiitch
 Big old fat fucking bitch
 Kyle's mom
 What?
CARTMAN: Oh, ****.
SHEILA:
 As we continue to send troops
 into Canada...
 ...M.A.C. Is also fighting the war
 against potty-mouths here at home.
 Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker.
 
 The machinery of the V-chip
 is very simple.
 It is placed under the child's skin...
 ...emitting a small shock of electricity
 whenever an obscenity is uttered.
 Wait a minute. This chip somehow knows
 if the child is swearing?
 It's like a lie detector.
 Certain things happen to you
 when you swear, just like when you lie.
 The chip picks up on this and gives
 the subject a little prick.
 Patient B-5, would you
 step out here, please?
 Patient B-5 here has been fitted
 with the new V-chip.
 My head hurts.
 Don't worry about that.
 Now, I want you to say "doggy."
 Doggy.
 Notice that nothing happens.
 - Now say "Montana."
 - Montana.
 Good.
 Now, "pillow."
 Pillow.
 All right. Now I want you to say
 "horse-****er."
 Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
 Horse-****...
 That hurt, god****...
 ****!
 Now I'd like you to say
 "big, floppy donkey ****."
 No way!
 Success!
 The child doesn't want to swear!
 This isn't fair, you sons of b*tches!
 We will start putting V-chips
 in all our children next week!
ANNOUNCER:
 The March of War.
 Let's hear it for our boys.
 Clinton has called them
 to fight the evil Canadians.
 A full-scale attack was launched
 on Toronto...
 ...after the Canadians ' last bombing,
 which devastated the Arquettes.
 For security measures,
 our great government is rounding up...
 ...all citizens with Canadian blood
 and putting them into camps.
 Canadian-Americans are to report
 to one of these death camps right away.
 Did I say "death camps"?
 I meant happy camps,
 where you will eat the finest meals...
 ...have access to fabulous doctors
 and exercise regularly.
 Meanwhile, war criminals Terrance
 and Phillip are prepped for execution.
 Their execution will take place...
 ...during a fabulous USO show,
 with guest celebrities, including...
 ...Big Gay Al and Winona Ryder.
 Of course, the only way to see the
 USO show is to sign up for the Army!
 So join the Army and kill
 some Canadian scum as we continue...
 ...the march of war.
 Eat Snacky Smores.
 We must rid ourselves
 of anything Canadian.
 Don't you like
 Terrance and Phillip anymore?
 Course not! Mommy says I hate Canadians
 because they made me have a dirty mouth.
 Burn it all!
 - Hey, dudes.
 - What's the matter, Cartman?
 It's this V-chip. I hate it.
 I can't say any dirty words.
 - So you can't say "****"?
 - No.
 - And you can't say "sh*t"?
 - No.
 You can't say, "I'm Cartman,
 the fattest piece of sh*t in the world"?
 - **** you!
 - Dude. Sweet!
 This has gone far enough.
 It's time we talked to our moms.
 We're supposed to be grounded.
 Come on, it's time for us
 to get political.
 Canada will no longer corrupt
 our children!
 Mom, can I talk to you?
 Kyle, what are you doing here?
 You are grounded.
 Get back to the house
 and stay there!
 You too, Stanley.
 You're going too far.
 You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
 We must fight for
 our children's futures!
 - You started a war. You have to stop it.
 - To make them safe again!
 Our children are precious.
 We must make a stand now!
 Stop at nothing!
 I told you she wouldn't listen.
 We'll have to save
 Terrance and Phillip ourselves.
 - What?
 - Think about it.
 What would Brian Boitano do?
 He'd rescue Terrance and Phillip
 before they're executed.
 We can't do anything.
 Our moms' organization is too strong.
 We'll round up all the grounded kids
 and start our own organization.
 An organization to help save
 Terrance and Phillip.
 Yeah, our own secret club.
 - I guess that could work.
 - We have to try.
SINGING:
 If he was here right now
 He'd make a plan and follow through
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
 When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
 Skating for the gold
 He did two salchows and a triple lutz
 While wearing a blindfold
 When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
 Fighting grizzly bears
 He used his magical fire breath
 And saved the maidens fair
 So what would Brian Boitano do
 If he were here today
 I'm sure he'd kick an **s or two
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
 I want this V-chip out of me
 It has stunted my vocabulary
 And I just want my mom
 To stop fighting everyone
 For Wendy, I'll be an activist
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
 He'd call the kids in town
 And tell them to unite for truth
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
 Someone say my name?
 - Who are you?
 - I'm Brian Dennehy.
 What? No, not ******* Brian Dennehy!
 Get the **** out of here.
 When Brian Boitano traveled through time
 To the year 3010
 He fought the evil robot king
 To save the human race again
 When he built the pyramids
 He beat up Kublai Khan
 Because Brian Boitano
 Doesn 't take sh*t from anybody
 So let's all stick together
 And unite to stop our moms
 We'll save Terrance and Phillip too
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
 We'll save Terrance and Phillip too
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
 That's what Brian Boitano 'd do
SADDAM:
 Hey, relax, guy.
SATAN:
 There's nothing on.
 You get cranky when you're tired.
 I'm not cranky.
 What started as a spat between the U. S.
 And Canada is turning into WWIII.
 World War III?!
 Terrance and Phillip will be put
 to death for crimes...
 It has come to be.
 The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh.
 The time of prophecy is upon us.
 I love when you get biblical.
 You know exactly how to turn my crank.
 No, I'm being serious.
 It is the seventh sign.
 What?
SATAN:
 Behold...
 ...the first signs of my reign
 have all come true:
 The fall of an empire,
 the coming of a comet...
 ...and now, when the blood of
 these Canadians touches American soil...
 ...it will be our time to rise.
 Yeah, man, I'm getting so hot!
 Let's ****!
 Do you always think about sex?
 I'm talking about important stuff here.
 I'm just excited about taking over
 the world! Come on!
 Is sex the only thing
 that matters to you?
 I love you.
 I want to believe that.
 What do you say we shut off
 that light and get close?
SATAN:
SADDAM:
 We can use my dad's computer to call
 the kids together.
 Before we put a message out,
 do a search on "clitoris."
Okay.
"Found:
 with the word 'clitoris.'"
 I'll just try the first one.
 "You must be 18 to enter this website."
 "Welcome to German Sick Fetish Video.
 If you are under 18, do not..."
 Well, okay.
 (MALE VOICE IN GERMAN ON COMPUTER)
 It's a lady getting pooed on!
 - Is it Cartman's mom?
 - Very funny.
 It is Cartman's mom!
 Son of a b*t...!
 Ike, you're too young for this stuff.
 Bullsh*tah.
 What's she doing now?
 Okey-dokey.
 (FARTING NOISE)
 Click it off, dude!
 What's wrong with German people?
 Let's do what we came here to do
 and put a message out.
 I've gotta put out
 an all-access e-mail.
 - God****, your mom sucks!
 - Get to the message board!
 Can't find a Canadian server.
 I'll break into the mainframe.
 They've got an access code!
 I'll try to re-route the encryptions.
 Here we go. "Want to help
 Terrance and Phillip?
 Sneak out after you get tucked into bed
 tonight and meet at Carl's warehouse."
 - Tell them we'll have punch and pie.
 - We're not.
 More people will come if they think
 we have punch and pie!
 "Punch and pie.
 This is top-secret.
 The password is..."
 "La Rsistance."
 NEWSCASTER ON RADIO:
 So the draft will begin tomorrow...
 ...as more troops are needed
 to invade the Canadian border.
 The Canadian government pleads
 for a peaceful resolution...
 ...but we're not listening.
 Good night, hon.
 Mom, when will the war be over?
 I don't know, hon. Soon, we hope.
 You want it to end quickly, huh?
 - Mom?
 - Yes, hon?
 If you were in a German scheie video,
 you'd tell me, right?
 Sure, hon. Good night.
 There's a ghost!
 (MUMBLES)
 Kenny, is that you?
 (MUMBLES)
 Satan? Satan is coming here?
 Saddam Hussein?
 That doesn't make sense!
 Eric, what is it?
 I saw him! I saw Kenny!
 You poor dear.
 You've been through so much.
 I bet him he couldn't light a fart
 on fire, and now he's pissed off.
 I can't say "pissed off"?
 The execution of Terrance and Phillip
 is imminent.
 Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world.
 I got some new luggage
 for our trip up to Earth.
 Let's **** to celebrate!
 What's it like up on Earth?
 Tell me about it again.
 Let's not talk. Let's get busy.
 Remember when you first got here?
 We used to talk all night, until the sun came up.
 We would just lie in bed and talk.
 Because I was waiting to
 get you in bed.
 How come you always want to make love
 to me from behind?
 Is it because you want to pretend
 I'm somebody else?
 Satan, your ass is gigantic and red.
 Who am I gonna pretend you are?
 Liza Minnelli?
 Don't get all pissy!
SINGING:
 Sometimes I think
 When I look up real high
 That there's such a big world up there
 I'd like to give it a try
 But then I sink
 'Cause it's here I'm supposed to stay
 But I get so lonely down here
 Tell me, why's it have to be that way?
 Up there, there is so much room
 Where babies burp and flowers bloom
 Everyone dreams, I can dream too
 Up there
 Up where the skies are ocean blue
 I could be safe and live without a care
 Up there
 They say I don 't belong
 I must stay below alone
 Because of my beliefs
 I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown
 But what is evil anyway
 Is there reason to the rhyme
 Without evil there could be no good
 So it must be good to be evil sometimes
 Up there, there is so much room
 Where babies burp and flowers bloom
 Everyone dreams, I can dream too
 Up there
 Up where the skies are ocean blue
 I could be safe and live without a care
 Live without a care
 If only I could live up there
 I want to live, I want to live up
 I want to live up there
 - You're late!
 - I had to ride my bike here.
 - My behind is killing me.
 - Your "behind"?
 I have to say "behind" because
 I get shocked if I say "**s."
 Did you bring the punch and pie?
 No. You guys, something happened.
 I don't think Kenny's dead.
 I saw him in my room.
 I know, Cartman.
 I see Kenny every day.
 - You do?
 - Sure, dude.
 On the face of every child,
 on the smile of every baby.
 This was Kenny! He said that if
 Terrance and Phillip die...
 ...Saddam Hussein and Satan will
 come up and rule the world!
 Saddam Hussein?
 (KNOCK ON DOOR)
KYLE:
Who is it?
GREGORY:
 I'm here for La Rsistance.
KYLE:
 What's the password?
GREGORY: I don't know.
KYLE: Guess.
GREGORY: Bacon.
KYLE:
 Okay.
 Viva La Rsistance!
 Oh, no! It's that kid!
 This is the place.
 Stan? You started La Rsistance?
 You're more political than we thought.
GREGORY:
 underway. Many others are coming.
 A lot of people showed up.
 Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be
 killed, and we think that sucks **s!
 We were to understand there'd be
 pie and punch.
 There isn't any.
 Terrance and Phillip are
 supposed to be killed... so we should prank call
 a bunch of policemen...
 ...and have pizzas sent to them
 that they didn't order.
 Viva La Rsistance!
 - May I?
 - What?
 Terrance and Phillip are being held
 in a camp two kilometers from town.
 They are to be executed tomorrow
 during a star-studded USO show.
 Tomorrow?
 Once the show begins,
 we'll have an hour...
 ...to get them out of their cell
 and into this clearing.
 There, we will rendezvous
 and take them back to Canada.
 Dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.
 Meet me at the rendezvous point
 at 10 p.m.
 Sneaking in and breaking them out
 will be dangerous...
 ...so I'll go myself.
 No! We're going!
 We started La Rsistance. We'll get
 them and meet at the rendezvous point.
 This will be very dangerous.
 Are you quite sure?
 **** that!
 Do you want that V-chip in you forever?
 We'll go. Let's run through the plan.
 Oh, boy! Military action, Ned!
 Let's kill us some goddamn Australians!
 I think we're fighting Canadians.
 Canadians, Australians,
 what's the difference?
 This uniform makes me feel like
 a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.
 It sure does, Mr. Garrison.
 I can't wait
 for our first shore leave...
 ...so I can get me some ******* poon tang.
 Pay attention! Tomorrow night is
 the USO show for all you troops.
 There will be celebrities, followed by
 the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
 (CHEERING)
 After the show, we will finally be
 sending ground troops into Canada.
 So let's strategize.
 Map!
 Our sources have told us
 that the Canadians...
 ...are preparing for our invasion,
 so we must use caution.
 Each battalion has
 a specific code name and mission.
 Battalion 5, raise your hands.
 You will be the all-important
 first attack wave...
 ...which we will call
 "Operation Human Shield."
 Wait a minute!
 Keep in mind Operation Human Shield
 will suffer heavy losses.
 Battalion 14?
 Right. You are
 Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
 You will follow Battalion 5.
 Try not to get killed, for God's sake.
 Are there are any questions?
 Yes, soldier.
 Have you ever heard
 of the Emancipation Proclamation?
 I don't listen to hip-hop.
 After that, we will march into
 the heart of Canada, and we will...
 I'm gonna get you!
 What's wrong with this thing?
 It's ******* Windows 98!
 Get Bill Gates in here!
 You told us Windows 98 would be faster,
 with better access to the Internet!
 It is faster. Over five million...
 All right, men, get lots of rest...
 ...and prepare to...
 After you have Terrance and Phillip,
 make your way to this ridge.
 We will wait for you.
 But not for long... so if you're not there at 10,
 we'll have to leave.
 You're brave, but you'll need help
 from someone who's done this before.
 - Here's the address of "The Mole."
 - "The Mole?"
 He is an expert in covert operations.
 Your first task will be obtaining him.
 Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow we will
 all be risking our lives for freedom.
SINGING:
 God has smiled upon you this day
 The fate of a nation in your hands
 And blessed be the children here
 Who fight with all our bravery
 Till only the righteous stand
 You see the distant flames
 They bellow in the night
 You fight in all our names
 For what we know is right
 And when you all get shot
 And cannot carry on
 Though you die, La Rsistance lives on
 You may get stabbed in the head
 With a dagger or a sword
 You may be burned to death
 Or skinned alive or worse
 But when they torture you
 You will not feel the need to run
 For though you die,
 La Rsistance lives on
 Blame Canada
 Blame Canada
 The country's gone awry
 Tomorrow night these freaks will fry
 Tomorrow night
 Our lives will change
 Tomorrow night
 We'll be entertained
 An execution, what a sight
 Tomorrow night
 There's so much room
 Babies burp and flowers bloom
 Tomorrow night up there is doomed
 And so I will be going soon
 Shut your ******* face
 Uncle ****er
 You're a boner-biting *******
 Uncle ****er
 - We may be out of luck
 - Tomorrow night, we're pretty ****ed
 Why'd our mothers start this war
 What are they fighting for
 When did this song become a marathon
 When Canada is dead and gone
 There'll be no more Celine Dion
 They may cut your **** in half
 And serve it to a pig
 And though it hurts, you'll laugh
 And dance a ****less jig
 That's the way it goes
 In war you're shat upon
 Though you die
 La Rsistance lives on
 I'm so excited. Just one more day
 until we can take over the world.
 I don't know if I can sleep,
 if you know what I mean.
 This book talks about how people
 communicate differently.
 I communicate by wanting you
 to ask me questions, and you...
 That is interesting. Let's ****!
 Saddam, I'm trying to have
 a nice conversation with you!
 Now that is just not appropriate!
 Come on, I'm just ******* with you!
 It's not real!
Page 38/54
 - Well, that's still not appropriate.
 - Hey, daddy.
 It's not real, either! Come on, guy!
KENNY:
 What's wrong?
 Soon the world will belong to me.
KENNY:
 What's the matter, dude?
 It's Saddam.
 He doesn't nurture my emotions.
 He just wants sex and can't learn
 to communicate.
 - Why don't you leave him?
 - You're right.
 I should leave him.
 I'll tell him...
 ..."Saddam, I'm going to Earth
 to rule alone!"
 - I'm strong and I don't need him!
 - Good for you!
SINGING:
 Today's the day for the USO show
 We're so happy we get to go
 I don 't know but I've been told
 Canadian pussy is mighty cold
 Stay in the attic, because if they find you...
 ...they'll put you in
 a concentration camp.
 Don't worry.
 We'll put an end to this.
 Then I'll make Mom come home,
 and we'll all be a family again.
 (IKE BABBLES)
 - Hello?
 - Hi.
 We need to speak with The Mole.
 I'm sorry. The Mole is grounded.
 He can't come out and play.
 - What?!
 - He's a kid?
 He said very naughty things about God.
 Can we just talk to him
 for five seconds?
 Well, all right. Christophe!
 We're gonna rescue Terrance
 and Phillip from the USO show...
 Who sent you?
 Gregory! He said
 you could sneak us in.
 Are you telling me you intend
 to break into the USO show...
 ...filled with thousands of soldiers
 and break out Terrance and Phillip?
 I thought it was a stupid idea too.
 We're La Rsistance. We wanna save
 Terrance and Phillip and stop the war.
 I can't help you.
 I'm grounded for the next three days.
 So are we. Our parents think
 we're home right now.
 - Why are you grounded?
 - Why?
 Because God hates me.
 He has made my life miserable.
 So I call Him a cocksucking asshole,
 and I get grounded.
 - So will you help us?
 - Very well.
 Meet me in the backyard
 in five minutes. Viva La Rsistance.
 We'll show God that we won't *******...
 What? Christophe, get in here!
 Coming, mother.
 I must be strong. I must be strong.
 Saddam, I need to talk to you.
 Get packing, b*tch. We have to go!
 We're running out of time!
 Saddam, sometimes you can love
 a person very much...
 ...but still know
 they aren't right for you.
 What are you talking about?
 You treat me like shit!
 I'm leaving you!
 I'm going up to Earth to rule alone.
 No! No, you can't do that!
 I'm sorry, but I have to be strong.
 Give me another chance!
 I have to go to Earth!
 You don't have respect for me!
 Sure I do, guy.
 Please just hear me out.
SINGING:
 Some people say that I'm a bad guy
 They may be right
 They may be right
 But it's not as if I don 't try
 I just **** up, try as I might
 But I can change, I can change
 I can learn to keep my promises
 I swear it
 I'll open up my heart
 And I will share it
 Any minute now, I will be born again
 Yes I can change, I can change
 I know I've been
 A dirty little bastard
 I like to kill, I like to maim
 I'm insane, but it's okay
 'Cause I can change
 It's not my fault that I'm so evil
 It's society, society
 You see my parents
 Were sometimes abusive
 And it made a prick of me
 But I can change, I can change
 What if you remain
 A sandy little butthole
 Don 't be such a twit
 Mother Teresa won 't have shit on me
 Just watch me change
 Here I go, I'm changing!
 You see, I've really matured.
 All right.
 Come on, we have to hurry.
SADDAM: I love you.
ANNOUNCER:
 of the American Army...
 ...welcome to the USO show.
 Get ready for loads of entertainment
 and fabulous celebrities...
 ...followed immediately by
 the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
 This is where those military bitches
 intend to kill Terrance and Phillip.
 Oh, my God!
 God? He is the biggest b*tch
 of them all.
 Hurry. We rendezvous
 with the other kids at 10.
 You realize we could be grounded
 for two, even three weeks.
 - We're willing to take that risk.
 - Let's go.
ANNOUNCER:
 here are your hosts for the evening...
 ...Sheila Broflovski
 and Big Gay Al.
 (CHEERING)
 Al, tonight is a very special night.
 Do you know why?
 They're having a sale at Merv's?
 No. Because we're going to abolish Canadian smut.
 That's right, Sheila.
 Bring out the condemned.
SHEILA:
 Today is a great day for democracy!
 This is worse than when you put your
 **** in my mouth and took a picture.
 I know, Terrance. I know.
 While you're getting set up over there,
 let's bring out our first act:
 Yippie, the back-flipping dog!
 Be careful not to touch this wire.
 Mother****...
 ****.
 The show has started.
 We're running out of time.
 Do you see Terrance and Phillip?
 Yes, but they are heavily guarded.
 Dig from here,
 so as not to be seen.
 Come on, b*tches.
 Mole, do you know where
 the clitoris is?
 - The what?
 - The clitoris.
 I have to find it,
 so I can get Wendy to like me.
 Stop thinking with your dick!
 Be on your toes, because I won't
 be grounded again!
 Not for you! Not for anybody!
 Men, when you're out there
 in the battlefield...
 ...and you're looking into
 the beady eyes of a Canadian...
 ...as he charges you with
 his hockey stick or whatever he has...
 ...and people are dying all around you,
 just remember what the MPAA says:
 "Deplorable violence is okay as long as
 people don't say any naughty words."
 That is what this war is all about.
 (CHEERING)
 What?
 Sh*t!
 Move, move.
 We will split up here.
 Let's synchronize watches.
 - We don't have watches.
 - You don't?
 - You didn't say anything about watches.
 - What do you think this is?
 TV kiddie hour where we sit around
 and lick Barney the Dinosaur's pussy?
 This is real life, with consequences
 you take to the grave.
 - We don't have watches.
Page 43/54
 - Sh*t!
 - Did you bring the mirror?
 - Got it.
 - And the rope?
 - Check.
 - And the buttfor?
 - What's a "buttfor"?
 For pooping, silly.
 I'll dig under the stage, and with
 that bedrock, I'll need more time.
 Stan and Kyle, stall the show
 anyway you can.
 Keep that show going
 until I get the prisoners.
MOLE:
 the electrical box.
 Shut it off before I return
 with Terrance and Phillip...
 ...or the alarm will sound
 and I'll be attacked by dogs.
 - Got it?
 - Okay.
 You must shut off the alarms.
 I ******* hate guard dogs!
 I heard you,
 you British piece of sh*t.
 If anything goes wrong, make a sound
 like a dying giraffe.
 What's a dying giraffe sound like?
 (MAKES ANIMAL NOISES)
 Okay.
 - Let's go.
 - Be careful, dude.
 Was my mother careful when she
 stabbed me in the heart...
 ...with a clothes hanger,
 while I was still in the womb?
 ****, that kid is ****ed up.
AL:
 How are those chairs coming?
 Al, we're minutes away.
 Super. Here is pint-sized pixie and darling of the indie movie scene...
 ...Winona Ryder!
 Hi, guys.
 I'm super-psyched to be here today.
 What you're doing for our country is so cool.
 I mean war, man. Wow, war.
 You know? Wow.
 Okay, and now for your enjoyment,
 here's my famous Ping-Pong ball trick.
 Oh, my!
 "Shut off the power, Cartman.
 This is very important, Cartman."
SOLDIER:
 what Winona Ryder's doing?
 There. I didn't miss one.
 That's my Ping-Pong ball trick!
 That's all the acts we have
 for tonight... so let's just get on with
 the execution!
 - No, we have to stall him.
 - More! More!
 Yeah! More!
 You big sillies.
 You want to see more of me?
 Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
 Well, I do have a little song I wrote
 about the war.
 But we haven't rehearsed.
 Sing it!
 I can't.
KYLE:
 Sing the ******* song!
 All right. If you insist,
 I'll sing my song.
 I believe it goes
 a little bit like this.
SINGING:
 Bombs are flying
 People are dying
 Children are crying
 Politicians are lying too
 Cancer is killing
 Texaco 's spilling
 The whole world's gone to ****
 But how are you?
 I'm super
 Thanks for asking
 I couldn 't be better
 I must say
 I'm feeling super
 No, nothing bugs me
 Everything is super when you're...
 Don 't you think I look cute
 In this hat
 I'm so sorry Mr. Cripple
 But I just can 't feel too bad
 For you right now
 Because I'm feeling
 So insanely super
 That even the fact that you can 't walk
 Can 't bring me down
 He's super
 Thanks for asking
 All things considered
 He couldn 't be better he must say
 I'm super
 No, nothing bugs me
 Don 't you think I look cute in this hat
 These pants
 This matching tie I got at Merv's
CHORUS:
 And the trenches as well
 - Stick 'em up!
 - Big Gay Al says you have to tell
 Yes, he's super
 And he's proud to be gay
 Everything is super
 When you're gay
 When you're gay
 Again! Again!
 Who's there?
 (KENNY MUMBLES)
 Son of a gun! Heck!
 They're coming?
 But our moms won't listen to us.
AL:
 thank our wonderful sponsors...
 He's almost got them.
 We're here to rescue you.
 Follow me through the tunnel.
 You guys! Seriously.
 I saw Kenny again.
 Did you shut the alarm off?
 - Cartman?
 - Whoops.
 Oh, sh*t!
 (MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)
 Hear that?
 Sounds like a dying giraffe.
 Sh*t!
 - A spy!
 - Get him!
 Sh*t! Sh*t!
 Oh, no!
 Come on, Mole!
MOLE:
 Fucking guard dogs! Shit!
 The alarms went off.
 That was my bad. Sorry.
 Hold me. It's so very cold.
 There is no hope. Get out.
 - We can't leave without you.
 - It's okay.
 No, we can't.
 We don't know where we are!
 Where's your God
 when you need him?
 Where is your beautiful,
 merciful faggot now?
 Here I come, God.
 Here I come, you ******* rat.
SINGING:
 Now the light she fades
 And darkness settles in
 But I will find strength
 - No, Mole, hang on.
 - I will find pride within
 - We'll get you home.
 - Because although I die
 - I can't face my mother.
 - Our freedom will be won
 Not alone.
 Though I die
 La Rsistance lives...
 ...on
 Sh*t!
AL:
 all been awaiting: The execution!
 The day is ours!
 We have to tell them about
 Saddam Hussein and Satan.
 - No. My mom can't see me here.
 - You have to stand up to your mother.
 Gentlemen, do you have
 any last words?
 Last words? How's aboot,
 "Get me the **** out of this chair!"
 How's that?
 All right, anonymous, ready the switch.
STAN:
 Wait!
 - Stanley!
 - Eric!
 Kyle!
 Go on, dude, tell her.
 - I can't.
 - You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
 If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein
 will take over the world.
 (LAUGHING)
 Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison.
 I'm supposed to be anonymous.
 Goodbye, *******!
 No!
 The Canadians are attacking!
 Run for your lives!
 We have to shut off the power!
 ****!
 Some little fat kid saved us!
 Wait! We have to get you
 to the rendezvous point.
 Ned, behind you!
CLITORIS:
 Be not afraid.
 Oh, my God!
 Behold my glory.
 What are you?
 I am the clitoris.
 The clitoris?
 I found the clitoris!
 Stan, you must not let Terrance and
 Phillip's blood spill on the ground.
 Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
 There are more important matters
 right now.
 I looked all over for you.
 Tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
 Dude, just have confidence in yourself.
 Believe in yourself and others
 will believe in you.
 Chicks love confidence.
 Now go. Hurry!
 The clitoris has spoken.
WENDY:
 Stan, are you okay?
 I see you failed. I should not
 have sent a boy to do a man's job.
 Come on!
 We've got precious little time!
 Die, Canadian, m'kay?
 Did you hear that?
 I farted.
 You did? Just now?
KYLE:
CARTMAN:
CARTMAN:
 It's Mr. Garrison.
 Children, take Mr. Hat.
 Please get him out of here.
 Holy sh*t!
 This V-chip is getting all screwy.
 Take cover in the trench!
 Human Shield up front, then
 Operation Get-Behind-the-Darkies.
 Remember, Human Shield,
 protect our tanks and planes too.
 Holy mother of Jehoshaphat!
 Fire on my command.
 All right, squad, just like I told you.
 One... two...
 Do some people gonna die?
 - Fire!
 ...three!
 What in the...
 Great plan, Chef.
 Operation Human Shield, my **s!
 My God, this is terrible.
 This is what we wanted!
 We wanted our children to be
 brought up in a smut-free environment!
STAN'S MOM:
 But we didn't want this.
 Where are you going?
 We're going to find our boys.
 For God's sake, Sheila, we're
 going to get them killed!
 All those times I said
 you were a big dumb Jew?
 I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
 Yes, I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!
 Don't be so hard on yourself.
 Why am I still holding this?
 MR. GARRISON: Mr. Hat! No!
KYLE:
 before I get in trouble.
 I heard that.
 I found the clitoris.
 Now I can get Wendy to like me again.
 Swell, Stan.
 I guess all's well that ends well.
 We can go home now. Dipsh*t.
 What's wrong?
 We can't let Terrance and Phillip die,
 or the whole world will end.
 Terrance, look!
 There they are!
 Phillip, we're done for!
 All right, men! Fire!
 Goodbye, Terrance.
 What is this?
 Don't shoot!
 I'll take care of this.
 Kids, get out of the way now!
 Kyle!
 I'm not going to let you kill them, Mom!
 What, what, what?
 I'm not moving!
 Stand down. You can still see
 fart jokes on Nickelodeon.
 No! This is about
 more than fart jokes!
 This is about freedom of speech,
 about censorship...
 ...and stuff.
 What about Ike? Did you forget
 your adopted son is Canadian?
 I'm doing very important things.
 But you never took the time
 to talk to me.
 Whenever I get in trouble,
 you blame everybody else.
 But I'm the one to blame.
 Deal with me.
 You keep fighting all these causes.
 But I don't want a fighter.
 I want my mom.
 Poor little fella!
 No!
 Holy sh*t, dude!
 Young man, you watch your mouth!
 My time has come!
 You are really ****ed now!
 It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
 What a dumb **s!
 You have spilled
 the blood of the innocent.
 Now begins two million
 years of darkness.
 Good job, Ms. Broflovski.
 Thanks a lot.
 I was trying to make the world
 a better place for children.
 And you brought enough intolerance
 to allow my coming.
 Now, everyone bow down to me!
SADDAM:
 Bend over!
 What have we done?
 Saddam, I'm the dark ruler, not you.
 Relax.
 Better seen, not heard.
 (KENNY MUMBLES)
 I can't.
 Let's start by building
 a big statue of me!
 There, where that fat kid is standing.
 Don't call me fat, butt****er!
 Yeah, Cartman, do it.
 ****! Sh*t!
 Respect my ******* authority!
 You need to watch your mouth, brat!
 Dogsh*t taco!
 Quick, do something.
 Try this on for size.
 Blood-drenched,
 frozen tampon popsicle!
 Buddy, I know I was mean before.
 But don't worry, I can change.
 Okay.
 Not!
 ****, sh*t, cock, **s,
 titties, boner...
 ...b*tch, muff, pussy, cunt,
 butthole, Barbra Streisand!
 What are you waiting for, b*tch?
 Destroy him!
 You weak, stupid cum bucket.
 Save me!
 That's it!
 I have had enough of you!
 He spent so much time convincing me
 I was weak and stupid...
 ...that I believed it myself.
 I have you to thank, little one.
 You showed me that I had
 to get away from him.
 Just make any wish you want
 and I shall grant it.
 (KENNY MUMBLES)
 - Are you sure?
 - What did he say?
 His wish is for everything to go back
 to the way it was before this war.
 Kenny, you realize that means
 you'd go back too.
KENNY:
 I know.
 (KENNY MUMBLES)
 Very well, then.
 I will pull my minions back.
 I guess I'm destined
 to live in **** alone.
 Hello.
 What's this?
 Hi, there, little guy.
 Would you like to go to **** with me?
 Sure. I bet we can be
 best friends, Mr. Satan.
 Feel free to come back
 and visit anytime.
 I just might do that.
 Thanks, Kenny.
 Thanks for going back to **** for us.
 You're a pal.
 Goodbye, you guys.
 I'm alive.
 Where's Mr. Hat?
 Wow. We were all dying
 and now we're fine. That's super!
 What the ****'s going on?
 See, Mom? It was Cartman's filthy
 ******* mouth that saved us all.
 I'm sorry I didn't pay attention
 to you, Kyle.
 But what about Gregory?
 - I never cared for Gregory.
 - You didn't?
 No, dude. **** Gregory!
 **** him right in the ear!
 Thank you, clitoris.
SINGING:
 What a happy end
 Americans and Canadians
 Are friends again
 So let's all join hands
 And knock oppression down
 Don 't you know our little lives
 Are now complete?
 'Cause Terrance and Phillip
 Are sweet
 Super sweet
 Thank God we live in this
 Quiet little pissant
 Redneck Podunk jerkwater
 Greenhorn one-horse mudhole
 Peckerwood right-wing whistle-stop
 Hobnail truck-driving
 Old-fashioned hayseed inbred
 Unkempt out-of-date
 White trash
 Kick-**s!
 Mountain...
 ...town!
 Look!
 GELULA & CO., INC.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Paramount Pictures Transcripts