Kathleen Montgomery-Newton IX

Kathleen Montgomery-Newton IX, nee Bragorp, was a Vietnamese-American Woman, Arizona politician, and Percibol Cartel missionary who was the subject of Elon Tusk's Pipevein Experiment, which proved rather consequential for the scientific community as well as the rural farming community of Brisport Falls, Idaho.
=== Earloids & Fatherly Fate ===
Kathleen Montgomery-Newton IX was born in 33 BB to a large man, Oip Noip, and a large woman, Bloip Cloip, and despite the impressive size of her parents, was actually rather small, weighing in at around 5 lbs 3 oz when birthed in the Phoenix International Airport, Hospital & Meatpacking Facility. Her father, seeing his daughter's small size, was disgruntled, and thusly threw himself from the window. His life ended with a loud screech and the whirring of meat grindrshttps://www.grindr.com/ against his skin. 
Later, he was packaged into batches 3421-1342A, 3421-1344A, 3421-1347T, and 3421-1347U of JF Chickensweet Tenders. 
=== Childoid ===
Kathleen Montgomery-Newton IX was raised by her mother Bloip in a suburb of Phoenix, Arizona, in a small house made of butter crates and cement. This was of course the most affordable and high quality real estate available in Phoenix Arizona, due to the Southwestern Housing Market Boil Order of 34 BB. 
As a child, Kathleen was rather facinated by feline animals. Unfortunately, in Phoenix Arizona, these included drug kingpins; namely the nextdoor neighbor cat, Poppa Slop, a 54 lb orange tabby with a marijuana business and too many credit cards to count. Poppa Slop took Kathleen under his wing,.. or rather, his paw.... and killed her mother with a forklift. Next, Poppa Slop took her to a remote ranch in Brisport Falls, Idaho and taught her the ways of blunt rolling and catnip suffocation. By age 9, Kathleen could roll a dubious joint, and by age 10, was a bona fide expert in all of the strains of marijuana. This was grand. 
== Drug Activites & Higher Education ==
From 23 BB to 10 BB, in her teenage years, Kathleen was highly active in the Percibol cartel, overseeing huge shipments of marijuana and their proper packagefication. She also ate the mummified remains of 7 out of a fossilized Aeternan ditch. Anyways, Kathleen was Grand, and enjoyed the illegal drug market. However, a small portion, roughly 8.25%, of her brain yearned to return to Phoenix, Arizona. So, Poppa, understanding his adoptive daughter's demands, enrolled her in the Masters of Public Administration Program at the University of Phoenix. This was Grand. Kathleen attended university and recieved her degree, graduating in 6 BB with a Grand Hope for the Future. She remained in Phoenix and was elected to city council, continuing her father's business endeavors on the side. 
== Gubernatorial Opposition ==
Unfortunately for Kathleen, many rotten things were afoot. Arizona Governor Doug Ducey, a Poop Specialist, was displeased with Kathleen's election to the city council. His grievances with her were as follows: 'Kathleen is blatantly running an international drug cartel and using her position as city councilmember to benefit her personal interests'. And while Percibol Cartel did see a 532% increase in sales after Kathleen's election, she almost certainly did not allow her personal life to bleed into her personal life. Indeed, her staunch support of 'Legalize Marijuana' bill A6942, as well as 'Free Milk for All Cats' were strictly political, not at all related to her father's pussycat cartel. 
Doug Ducey launched a shitty plan to foil Kathleen's political career. He aimed to do something foul and vile; something unimaginably wicked. He held a press conference on the dangers of marijuana use. The entire city council, as well as many state legislators, were mandated to attend. This was an unfortunate choice. 
As 99% of Arizona's elected officials gathered in the Arizona State Capitol, something rotten happened; that being a Combine Missile Strike, expertly timed by General Grievous' Land-Interception Gradient Missile Airbeam (LIGMA) system. This was horrendous for most of Arizona, but temporarily great for Kathleen. She was the highest ranking politician to survive the attack, and was thusly inaugerated as Governor of Arizona. This was grand. She was the first Vietnamese-American Woman to serve in this office in Arizona. 
== Mummy Displeasures ==
Mummy, then Board of Waifuria Chairman, was displeased. Mummy had quite liked 'Poop' Doug. Him and his rotten associate James L. Fuck ordered the American and Canadian intelligence agencies to investigate the massacre at Phoenix. After 36 seconds of investigation, the intelligence agencies unaminously declared that the Percibol Cartel was responsible for using what was later determined to have been a Combine Jupiter-Class Ohio-Greenspill Xenoplasma Ballistic Missile to strike, from space, the Arizona Capitol. The evidence to support this claim was never made publicly available. 
== Federal Indictment ==
Kathleen was thusly indicted by the United States Federal Government. This marked the first time in history that a sitting state governor was indicted by the Federal Government. This was horrific, and President Barack Obamna sobbed for 14 hours straight after Kathleens' indictment. The Supreme Court ordered Kathleen turn herself into federal court in Washington or else be extradicted by Navy Seals. 
This was a horrendous threat to make against the daughter of a cartel boss. 
== Arizona Drug War ==
Poppa Slop was furious. He was furious at the U.S. Government, furious at the Board of Waifuria, and furious at the hairball he'd coughed up that morning. But most of all, he was furious at the Mummy- that foul, wretched, vile thing, for framing his daughter and soiling her reputation. Poppa Slop, now worth over $329 Billion dollars thanks to highly fruitful marijuana and catnip businesses, began searching for 'business partners' to help him protect his daughter. He interviewed several potential candidates for this position, Wyoming cowboys, Californian Mercenaries, New Mexican assassins. But none of them satisfied Poppa Slop. As a matter of fact, only one entity seemed to have the power, breadth, and influence to protect Governor Kathleen from the United States' advances. And that entity was the Combine Overwatch. 
== Poppa Slop's New Friends ==
Poppa Slop soon acquired, or was made to acquire, a FaceTime call with a high-ranking Combine official, who kept his face in shadow throughout the entirety of the call. the individual promised great rewards for Poppa Slop and unrivaled protection and riches, if only Poppa Slop could get one of the Combine's assassins to the White House to "neutralize" the President and perhaps turn the tide of the Great META War back to the Combine's favor. This Poppa Slop said was possible. 
Kathleen spontaneously decided she was going to surrender herself to the United States Government, and boarded Doug Ducey's personal jet, Poop Force One, to head to Washington, to turn herself in. When she landed, she was immediately arrested and seized by the authorities. This was not grand, and was the first ever time that a Sitting Governor of Arizona was arrested by the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Little did the Feds know, a miniature Combine Manhack awaited within her breast, threatening to burst out at the first site of Barack Obamna. 
Unfortunately for Kathleen, the FBI abruptly turned away from the courthouse and down a dark alleyway, where they blindfolded her and shoved her through a narrow doorway. "Blamp up, baby," a voice did not say. Inside the dark smelly room, a Tesla Surgeonbot awaited, beside him, a strange man in a dark blue suit. 
"Greetings, Ms. Montgomery-Newton IX," the G-Man crooned, smacking his lips, "Quite a mouth-ful of a name, you've got my dear." 
Kathleen opened her mouth to speak, but her Combine Manhack had severed her vocal cords. 
"Oh, hush, dearie," he said, putting a finger to her lips, "You won't be needing those wires anymore. Why don't you try, instead..." He held up a bundle of cables and clear medical pipes, "These?" 
She shook her head furiously, but the Tesla Surgeonbot began the procedure. 
"Arizona eagerly awaits their new Pipe Governess," the G-Man smiled, taking a hit of a catnip joint. 
Something snapped in the back of the room, and the smell of smoke filled the air. 
The G-Man cocked an eyebrow. 
From the darkness emerged Poppa Slop, holding a smoking gun. Through the G-Man's chest had been blown a sizeable bullet hole. 
"Go fuck yourself, suit," Poppa Slop said, extending his claws, and lunging at the G-Man. 
This was an unfortunate decision, as the G-Man was false, and Poppa Slop phased straight through him. Alas, the G-Man was moved by this choice, and had mercy on Poppa Slop. 
"My Contractor is rather adamant about your daughter's pipeification..." the G-Man sighed, watching the Tesla Surgeonbot affixing plastic cords to Kathleen's orifices, "But I suppose I can settle for... partial pipeification?" 
"Fine! Just let my daughter go!" Wailed Poppa Slop, dropped the gun and pleading with the G-Man, "Please, don't hurt her!" 
"Hurt her?" the G-Man cocked his head, "Why would Blood Vessel Enhancement... hurt her?" 
"Yes, asshole," replied Poppa. 
"Oh, heavens to betsy..." the G-Man whispered, backing away, trembling and shaking his head, "Twelve... Twelve... Twelve... Twelve... Gods, please, help us all..." Thusly, he vanished into a thin mist. 
== Poppa Slop ==
As compensation for her ordeal, Kathleen was appointed Permanent Governess of Arizona until the Waifurian Empire took control of the region in early 2 AB, at which point she was plugged into a wall and turned into an Air Conditioner. 
Category:Characters