Stone 12

Chapter 12
The mysterious Something in the grass proves to be Samuel, the shameless Gollum ripoff and slave of the witch woman Shota. Gollum tells Richard that “Mistress wants you,” and indicates that if Richard doesn't hop to it, Shota will kill the Mud People and Gollum will eat them.
I'm supposed to hate Shota, right? She's supposed to be a villain?
Richard and Kahlan chatter a bit and finally agree to go see Shota. Richard again threatens to murder and eat Gollum, because that's what heroes do. \~/
Gollum leads Richard and Kahlan to, where else, the spirit house. Inside, Shota is sitting on a...well, here's the description:
“In the center of the room sat a tall, elegant throne. Torchlight danced and flared on the carved, gold-leaf vines, snakes, cats, and other beasts that covered every inch of the stately structure. A canopy draped with heavy red brocade and trimmed with gold tassels jutted out overhead. The throne itself sat atop three square, white marble platforms that served as steps. The whole thing was massive and imposing. Tufted red velvet covered the seat, the back, and the top of the arms.”
This throne is now in the running with the Teflon wedding dress for Most Awesomest Inanimate Object Evar. Sheesh. Also, note that we still don't know what Richard looks like.
Shota is sitting in the Awesome Throne of Awesomeness, with her hands on “gold gargoyles.” The gargoyles are licking her wrists (ew) which makes me wonder if they're supposed to be magical constructs or enslaved creatures. They will, however, never be seen or referred to again. \~/
Then we get this jewel of a line: “Shota redirected her ageless eyes to Kahlan. The long, rock-solid gaze felt as if it paralyzed her, penetrated her.” 
Shota's long, rock-solid gaze penetrated Kahlan.
>_o
\~/\~/
Moving on! There's some crap about a snake, and Shota tells Richard to “put your sword away,” which is a perfectly innocuous line but which sounds suggestive after this business of long, hard, penetrating gazes. Richard says, quite understandably, that he was afraid Shota was going to try to kill him. She makes his sword red-hot, forcing him to drop it, and says that she may kill him yet, and if she does the sword won't help him.
The deus ex machina sword, which we've seen stop magic.
Anyway.
Shota stands up, and...oh no. No more, please.
“Shota watched Richard a moment longer and then stood, leaning forward enough in the process to offer her breasts the opportunity to fall out of her wispy, low-cut, variegated gray dress. How they managed not to, Kahlan didn't know. A little stoppered bottle tumbled from its snug place between her breasts and swung on a fine silver chain.”
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm reading Penthouse? I don't want to read Penthouse. I have enough trouble avoiding porn on the internet; why would I want to read quasi-porn in what's supposedly a heroic fantasy novel? \~/
Shota struts around like a pole dancer, and Kahlan gets all hot and bothered and imagines herself in Shota's dress for some reason. Shota opens her Boob Bottle and sucks the Awesome Throne of Awesomeness into it (including the wrist-licking gold gargoyles, I assume). So...she hauls around a ginormous throne in a bottle?
Why?
And more importantly, is this a witch power? Shrink objects and place them in bottles? Or is this a random magical trinket Shota acquired somewhere? If so, who made it and why?
Arrgh. Stupid set dressing.
Shota notices that Richard's shirt is unbuttoned and cranks up the Skank Factor to about 9. Richard thanks Shota for her advice, since it apparently somehow lead to Richard and Kahlan being able to have sex. He mentions that they're going to get married, and Shota calls them ignorant children and slams them against the wall with magic.
Witches get charm person, shrink item, and telekinesis, it would seem.
Shota demands to know if Our Heroes have slept together yet, and Kahlan reluctantly says no. Shota informs us that “Confessors aren't supposed to love their mates, because if they bear a male child, she has to ask the husband to kill the baby. The husband is supposed to have been taken by the Confessor's power, so that he will do whatever she asks. Without question.”
Wait...the whole “Confessors cannot know love” thing was deliberate? The Ancient Wizards who made the Confessors planned it that way? I find this hard to believe.
And if this was planned so a Confessor could make her mindraped husband murder any male children...this implies that the mother herself would have no problem with the child's death. Which is, if anything, ever more stupid than implying that the father wouldn't normally have a problem with it. \~/ We humans, especially parents, are hardwired to protect babies for a very good reason.
Finally, assuming all this is true...why can't some other mindraped slave commit the infanticide? Why must it be the father? Is it because the father would presumably object? I could buy that, except for the implicit assumption that the mother is perfectly fine with callously murdering her newborn son. Heck, why can't the midwife do it? There are real-world cultures that ceremonially killed (or abandoned in the wilderness, which is essentially the same thing) certain newborns. No mindrape necessary.
Shota asks Kahlan if she could ask Richard to murder their newborn son, and Kahlan says no. This, despite being a Confessor, despite being the Mother Confessor, and despite having grown up among Confessors, knowing (presumably) that every boy born to a Confessor would be put to death. Somehow, it has apparently never occurred to Kahlan that (1) she herself is a Confessor, and (2) if she had a son, someone would have to kill the child.
Idiots. \~/
Shota continues to have a complete, frothing-at-the-mouth fit, demanding to know if Kahlan will raise a male Confessor and “bring the world to the dark times again.” Because male Confessors are Always Chaotic Evil, for no good reason. \~/
Kahlan makes argument that not all male Confessors are Always Chaotic Evil, and Shota replies that “Almost every one is!” She asks if Kahlan is going to “risk the world because you love this man? ...just because you would selfishly want the son of this man to live?”
I would hardly call wanting your own son to live being selfish. Of course, I think the Always Chaotic Evil thing is a load of crap anyway. And, wow, a single male Confessor is a threat to the whole world? What a weak-ass, crappy world. Any method useable on a female Confessor – shoot her full of arrows, don't let her touch you, etc – ought to work on a male just as well.
Richard decides to try being the voice of reason, and mentions that “Most Confessors bear girls,” and “not all couples conceive,” so the problem may never occur. Shota replies that she is a witch woman and can see the future; if Richard and Kahlan sleep together, they will have a son, and the child of a Confessor is always a Confessor. 
Richard says that, had he followed Shota's advice earlier and killed Kahlan, Darken Rahl would have won. Shota completely ignores this undeniable truth and tells Richard that this is all beside the point; she didn't come here to discuss he and Kahlan having children. I'm not sure why she screamed about it for two full pages, then. 
Shota reveals that...drumroll...Darken Rahl is Richard's real father, and Zedd is his maternal grandfather! Richard reacts with the grace and maturity of a 14-year-old told he can't go to the concert, telling Shota to go away and stop talking to him, and repeating the phrase “I don't care” several times. 
Shota makes the following unintentionally hilarious statement: “What? You are suddenly going to start acting like him? You are going to start spontaneously doing vile things because you now know? You fear you will go out and kill innocent people because you learned your real father is Darken Rahl?”
No, Shota; Richard has never needed that excuse before.
Shota basically shames Richard out of his sulk (Richard has shame??) and proceeds to rag on him for killing Darken Rahl. Apparently Richard was supposed to kill Rahl personally, not let him open the wrong Magic Box. Since Richard let the magic of Orden kill Rahl, Bad Stuff is still going to happen.
...Which implies that the whole “You killed Rahl with Wizard's First Rule” bit is complete and utter garbage. Either Richard killed Rahl or he didn't. Zedd says he did. Shota says he didn't. I really don't care at this point, but it's another bit of inconsistency. 
Shota says that the veil has been torn and the Keeper of the underworld is getting loose. Apparently, where Rahl was going to torment everyone, the Keeper is going to mega-torment everyone. We also learn that the Keeper wants those with the gift, as well as witch women. Huh? Why would witch women (God that sounds stupid) be so valuable to someone who is essentially Satan?
Blah blah blah, only Richard has a chance to undo what he has done and repair the veil. Shota doesn't know how because her infallible prescience can't provide any useful information, as is typical of seers. Shota breaks down completely, sobbing and wailing about how horrible it will be if the Keeper wins, and another strong female character bites the dust. 
We learn that Shota was chased out of Agaden Reach by a wizard accompanied by screelings; this apparently means that the wizard is a willing servant of the Keeper. Also, there aren't supposed to be any more wizards, since Darken Rahl killed every singe wizard in the world except for Zedd, Giller, and the five who committed heroic suicide to protect Kahlan (and himself, natch) but there was one anyway. Shota plans to return to the Reach and take the wizard's gift from him. She will do this by skinning the wizard alive and watching him “scream to death.”
Are you sure Shota isn't supposed to be the psychotically evil villain? \~/
Shota tells Richard that he will “be trapped in time,” and the Keeper will win unless Richard can evade the trap, and no she doesn't know what that means. After some more useless chatter, Shota promises that if Richard and Kahlan have a male child, she will kill it. She then leaves. 
Richard decides that the people to ask about the world of the dead are the dead themselves – specifically, the Mud People's ancestral spirits. He and Kahlan exit the Youth Hostel, and Chandelier notes that “Again you bring trouble.” Which, of course, is completely accurate.
We learn that the Mud People's ancestral spirits are indeed called from the underworld, which implies that they're either servants of, or being tortured by, the Keeper. Apparently this isn't the case, however. 
Richard asks to speak with the ancestral spirits, and Chandelier objects, saying they “should not call the honored spirits of our ancestors for the words of a witch-woman!” Richard replies that he is one of the Mud People and has the right to ask for a gathering. Chandelier replies thusly: “You bring death to us. You bring strangers. You bring the witch woman. You only wish to help yourself. How did this veil become torn?” Note that everything he says is completely true. 
Richard's response? “Kahlan, I want you to translate something. Don't leave out a single word....Chandalan, if I hear one more word from you tonight, even if it is to agree with me and offer your help, I will kill you. Some of the things the witch woman said have put me in the mood to kill. If you give me any more reason – it will be you I kill.”
Our hero, Richard. Threatening a man – allegedly a fellow Mud Person – with death for the crime of speaking the truth. Threatening to murder a man if he speaks at all, even if it is to support Richard. \~/\~/
And now both Richard and Kahlan have promised to murder Chandelier if he speaks against them. Why are these “heroes” so threatened by free speech?
I feel ill.
Anyway, the other Mud People do absolutely nothing at this death-threat against one of their tribal protectors – oh, wait. They're heathen savages who respect only the strength of tooth and claw. \~/
Richard then addresses the Bird Man of Alcatraz, saying “You know my heart. You know I would do nothing to harm our people.”
I'm starting to think Terry Goodkind has never heard of irony. \~/
The Mud People elders agree to the spirit gathering, which doesn't matter, since it's been established that only the Bird Man of Alcatraz's vote counts. Surprise surprise, he approves. Just then, an owl drops dead as it flies by, hitting Richard in the head.
Yes, that really happens.
This is apparently a bad omen. There's some talk about how birds are sacred, and owls are spirit guides, and the usual. An owl dropping dead is a terrible omen for the spirit gathering, second only to a raven. However, the Bird Man of Alcatraz says it's up to Richard, who decides to go ahead with it. The elders want three days to prepare, but Richard insists on two.
And that ends the chapter.
Drinks: 13
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