How Star Wars The Force Awakens Should Have Ended

(Open on the simple blue script all Star Wars movies open with, only this time it says; "Just this past weekend, in theaters all around the globe...")
(Start the theme music done a-capella by a group of tenors, the golden logo of "Star Wars" slides up and towards the back, followed by the Subtitle "How The Force Awakens Should Have Ended" tenors begin singing in the background to the music with the lyrics running up the screen in place of the story description of; )
"The wait was so woooor-th it,
This film is near peeerr-fect!
Here are just sooome things
We would have dooooone...
"Don't geeet
Us wrong, 
The movie is nearly flaw-less
Keep in mind, that this is all for fun... (da-da-da-daaa)
And we should probably mention 
For all you saps 
Who haven't seen it
That in this fan 
wri-tten vi-de-o, 
There will be spoooiii-lers,
so many spooooiii-lers!
Now that you've beeeeen warned,
We can begiiin...
Enjoy!
(Open on the beginning scene with Po and Lor San Tekka on Jakku, looking out of the tent when the First Order arrives)
Lor:
"We've got company."
Po:
"Oh man, Storm Troopers! We are so screwed!"
Lor:
"You're kidding, right? Don't you know about the Imperial Storm Troopers? Their aim was terrible! We'll be fine."
Po:
"Really? We have nothing to worry about?"
Lor: 
"Psh...Trust me, these guys couldn't hit the broad side of a-" 
(he's cut off by several shots to the back from a Storm Trooper. He falls to his knees, and says in a raspy last whisper)
Lor: 
"That's a new one..."
(he collapses onto his face with a last raspy breath)
Po: 
"Nooooo!"
(fast forward)
(Cut to the scene where Rey is in restraints and Kylo Ren is Force-probing her mind, and she starts fighting back. They're both struggling as they fight to keep each other on the mental ropes)
Kylo: 
"Why...can't I...see the...map?"
Rey:
"It's because you're afraid. Because deep in your heart, you know..."
Kylo:
"I know what?"
Rey:
"You know...that you'll NEVER be as cool as Darth Vader!"
(Kylo holds his scowl, but he blinks and it fades to a sad frown)
Kylo:
"OK. (sniffs, his voice gets a bit nasal and his eyes puff up)That...was a LOW blow,man!"
Rey:
"Are you crying?"
Kylo:
"Well even if I was, I'd be completely justified! I mean, what would you do if some stranger bested you at the thing you've been the ONLY one good at for countless years. And on top of that, she exploited your biggest fear?"
Rey:
"You were just trying to probe my mind for information, against my will."
Kylo:
"That's not the point!" (gulps in attempts to keep his composure) "I...have been living with this on my mind, my WHOLE life! Did you REALLY have to say it out loud like that?" (he angrily grumbles to himself, gripping his head) "Of course, I can never measure up to Darth Vader, I'm not an idiot! The long hair, the dramatic twist to the dark side, the menacing mask, it's all a SHAM!"
Rey:
"Um...do you need some time alone?"
Kylo:
"I just wanted to be like my grandfather! He was so much cooler than my dad; Han!"
Rey:
"Wait...Han? As in Han Solo? He's your father?"
(Kylo screams, draws his blade, and starts slashing blindly at the walls, grumbling in rage. He destroys the control panel locking Rey's restraints and he goes behind her to slash the walls. The restraints open.)
Rey: 
"Well, that's awfully convenient."
(Kylo is distracted in his rage behind her, so she quickly runs out)
Kylo: 
(in the background as Rey runs from the cell door)
"Why don't they see me like they did you, grandpa?"
Rey:
"Lucky break. That guy has serious anger issues."
(Hayden Christensen's Anakin's ghost appears)
Anakin:
"I know, right? I mean,what a drama queen."
(fast forward)
(Cut to the scene where Kylo Ren is talking to Darth Vader's burnt mask)
Kylo:
"Show me the dark side, and I will finish what you started...grandfather."
(Old-man Anakin's ghost appears to right next to him.)
Anakin:
"OK, look. I appreciate the dedication, but this is really starting to escalate to an unhealthy level."
Kylo:
"What the-who are you?"
Anakin:
"Oh, you probably don't recognize me. People don't often talk about me looking like this anymore."
Kylo:
"Wait...are you Obi-Wan Kenobi?" 
Anakin:
"No. I...am your grandfather. And I've come to tell you how screwed up this is, man! You're talking to my mask as if I'm still alive. As if I still want all this to happen."
Kylo:
"I-I don't understand; you're Darth Vader. You were the greatest Sith Lord of all time. You controlled the Empire!"
Anakin:
"No way, that was all Sideous' job. That walking prune fooled me to the Dark Side on a promise he never fulfilled. He's the whack job that built the Death Star and destroyed your mother's home planet. He started all this, not me."
Kylo:
"You mean...all this time, I idolized you for being the master of the Dark side...for nothing?"
Anakin:
"Well, I wouldn't say that. I mean, I was pretty awesome. But I didn't start all of this, Sideous did. And take it from me, man; the Dark Side is not the path you want to take. It just ends in pain and suffering. That's like, the whole path to it.
Kylo:
"But what about the power, grampsy? That's the prize of all that...right?"
Anakin:
"Dude, nothing is worth disowning your family, friends and pretty much your entire being for. Your parents are going crazy, missing you, kid."
(Kylo stands up, draws his blade and tightens both fists.)
Kylo:
"My whole life...spent worshiping you...it was a lie! IT WAS ALL A LIE!"
(he growls in anger and begins to slice the walls and Vader's burnt mask, screaming)
Kylo:
""COME TO THE DARK SIDE", THEY SAID! "YOU'LL MAKE DARTH VADER PROUD", THEY SAID! WELL DARTH VADER WAS A SHAM!"
Anakin:
"Oh, wow. You really have gone off the deep end. And people say I was over dramatic back when I turned. Just calm down, you can turn it all around if you..."
Kylo:
"WHAT IS MY LIFE!?"
(Kylo ignores him and continues on his rage, grumbling in anger)
Anakin:
"OK, I'm starting to see that there really is no hope for you. Good luck with everything, then. I've got ten episodes of Hotham to catch up on, so...I'll just be going."
(Anakin's ghost disappears and Kylo breaks down on his knees, sobbing)
Kylo:
"Whyyyy?"
(fast forward)
(Cut to the scene in the Millennium Falcon, when BB-8 is projecting the piece of the map)
Rey:
"I've heard stories. About Jedi...and the rebellion."
Han:
"It's true. All of it."
Finn:
"I don't believe it...Greedo shot first?"
(record scratch)
Han:
"Um...excuse me?"
Rey:
"That story of how you killed Greedo, the bounty hunter. In that tavern on Tatooine. You dodged his shot and then took him out a second later."
Han:
"That's not at all how it- of course I shot first! I'm Han Solo, for crying out loud!"
(BB-8 chirps and changes the projection to a recording of the showdown in the tavern. In the recording, Han dodges Greedo's shot and shoots him a second later.)
Han:
"What!?
Rey:
"See? It's on camera."
Han:
"What the-where did the soccer ball even get that?"
Finn:
"It's a commonly used video someone took the day it happened. It's been all over the Galaxy."
Han:
"Well, it's been edited, then. I'm telling you; I shot first!"
Rey:
"Really? Why would someone just change it like that? It has like, no effect on the story later."
Finn:
"Feels like a huge waste of time and a whole lot of unneeded argument, to me."
Chewbacca:
(growls urgently)
Han: 
"This is important!"
(fast forward)
(Cut to the scene in the Resistance base control room, where the Resistance is going over the plans for the Star Killer)
Leia:
"So here it is, people; the First Order has this new weapon that can destroy multiple planets at once, which we've already seen it do to the Republic. We have these plans for it from a droid someone sent from the inside and now we have a weak spot that if we hit it, will cause a major explosion and the demise of the Sith-run overlords. Any questions?"
Han:
"I have one; doesn't this whole situation sound awfully familiar? It really feels like life's hitting the replay button on our first rodeo with Luke."
Leia:
"Um, this actually is a lot like that, only about ten times worse. This new Death Star, or the "Star Killer", as we're calling it, is the size of a planet. It's literally built inside of one. And, it draws its power from the nearest sun."
Han:
"And?"
Leia: 
"And, this self-destruct target is way harder to hit."
Han:
"And?"
Leia: 
"And, we don't have Luke, or even Obi-Wan's ghost to help us on this one."
Han:
(with an insistent smirk)"Aaaaaaand?"
Leia:
(sighs) "And, I didn't bring a ship back that they're tracking, meaning they can't track us down because of me."
Han:
"OK. Now, I see how it's different."
(fast forward)
But honestly, this is how it really should have ended...
(Cut to the scene where Kylo and Han are on the bridge across the center of the Star Killer.)
Kylo:
"I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"
Han:
"Yes. Anything."
(he hands Han his light saber, but keeps his own hands on it. Suddenly, he turns the hilt on Han and drives the blade right through Han's stomach. Han puts a hand on Kylo's cheek, then Kylo throws him off the bridge.)
Kylo: 
"Thank you."
(Chewbacca growls in rage and shoots Kylo in the stomach with his laser cross-bow. Kylo hunches over, dropping his light saber, grasping his side and screaming in pain)
Kylo:
"Ooow...man, that smarts...Well, at least he only shot me one ti-"
(He's cut off by ten or twelve more blasts to the chest from Finn as Chewy finishes off the Storm Troopers.)
"Oh...Darth..."
(His eyes roll back and he falls off the bridge into the abyss)
Rey:
"Oh my gosh, he's dead...Finn, you just killed a Sith Lord!"
Finn:
"Heck yeah, I did! Ha! How's that for bad aim? I'm the best shot in the GALAXY!"
(Chewy growls, a bit offended)
Finn:
"Oh yeah. Not to step on Han's title, of course. Anyway, this whole planet's about to blow. Let's get out of here."
Rey:
"One second."
(she holds her hand out, and Kylo's light saber flies into her hand)
Rey:
"Can't let this fall into the wrong hands."
Finn:
"Sweet! Let's blow this rock!"
(later, the Star Killer explodes and Finn and Rey are flying back to base in the Millennium Falcon, Chewy is piloting and Finn and Rey are sitting in the passenger bay)
Rey:
"Man, I am so glad that's over with. Can you imagine what would have happened if Kylo Ren had escaped?"
Finn:
"He probably would've came at us with his blade, and I would've had to fight him. I mean, I have no connection with the Force and I would've had to fight a Sith...Lord! I could've died back there!"
Rey:
"I don't know about dying, but you probably would've been seriously injured standing up to him."
Finn: 
"That'd have been pretty heroic. Might have even gotten me a little kiss?"
Rey:
"What? Ew, no."
Finn:
"Just one on the forehead, maybe. While I was passed out. I wouldn't even have known."
Rey:
"Psh, keep dreaming."
Finn:
"You know I will. Probably would've been an impressive fight, though. You probably could've held your own with your Force powers."
Rey:
"Maybe I could've given him a nice slash in the face."
Finn:
"That would've been awesome!"
Rey:
"Yeah...well hey, now we don't have to worry about it. The First Order's gone, Kylo Ren's dead. We solved so many problems in one easy move! And, I got this!"
(she draws Kylo Ren's saber and they both go "Wooooooaahh...")
Finn: 
"Man, we're awesome."
Rey:
"Yeah, we are!"
Finn:
"So what now?"
Rey:
"I figure we find Luke, give him his blade back and tell him the good news."
Finn:
"Good idea. He could train you to be an awesome Jedi. Plus, there's bound to be some next-level bad guy at the head of all this. It's better we're prepared."
(later)
(Rey and Luke are standing across from each other on a cliff, Rey's holding his hilt out to him. Luke takes down his hood, and the two stare for a moment. After a few moments, Luke says;)
Luke:
"Rey...I...am your-"
(screen cuts out to the end credit screen and music with the blue script that says "A Parody HISHE By Averagejoeguy2"
tenors come back in the background singing to the Star Wars theme music again)
"Thank you for waaaat-ching,
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Let us hear your thoooooughts
We hooope
That you enjoyed
This video
It was fun to
wriiite, 
We hope you had a laugh (da-da-da-dahhh...)
Look out for more from us
We're sure to make 
Plenty more vids
So just sit tight, 
And until then
Go watch the oriiiig-nals
Special ediiitions
Sure, they're not peeeer-fect, 
But they're all we've gooot
Later!
Category:Alternate Endings