LT Bloopers/Episode Guide/Transcript(Looney Tunes intro Bloopers 22)

(The TV Land logo appears in the Looney Tunes rings instead of the WB Shield.)
Sam: Hey, Shield Guy.
Shield Guy: You called, Sam?
Sam: What's the big idea with the TV Land logo? You're in the movies, not TV. Change it now!
Shield Guy: Surely, you can't be serious.
Sam: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
(Instead of the WB Shield, the logo for Get Smart zooms in.)
Mike: Get Smart. Tonight's episode: "The Strange Case of Weird Al Qaeda".
Mary: Or, "The President's Name is Obama, Not Osama".
Sam: WB, not Get Smart. Get me?
Shield Guy: Sorry about that, chief.
(Instead of the WB Shield, the logo for Mission: Impossible zooms in.)
Beulah: Mission: Impossible.
Abby: Good morning, Mr. Phelps. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to hunt down the notorious Gingrich Gang.
Sam: What's with the TV series titles? You're supposed to have the WB Shield zoom in, you dig?
Shield Guy: This logo will self-destruct in five seconds.
(The Mission: Impossible logo starts ticking like a time bomb, then after five seconds, it explodes.)
SFX: BOOM!!
(The logo is now gone.)
Sam: Asswipe asswipe asswipe asswipe asswipe!
(Instead of the WB Shield, the NBC Mystery Movie logo zooms in.)
Jimmy: It's the NBC Mystery Movie.
Hank: Tonight, starring Peter Falk as Columbo.
Anna: I've always admired detectives. Columbo was my favorite.
Sam: And if you don't bring up the WB Shield, it will be "The Case of the Missing Shield Guy".
Shield Guy: Sheesh!
(The NBC Mystery Movie logo zooms back out.)
Sam: And shush the sheesh!
(Instead of the WB Shield, the Desilu logo zooms in.)
LH Michael: Desilu. The studio that gave us I Love Lucy, Mission: Impossible and Star Trek.
LH Michelle: Only you, Desilu.
Sam: (snaps) You two again?! Get out! Out!
LH Michael: Oh, come on, Sam, give us a break.
LH Michelle: We're not undesirables just because we're different.
Sam: God did not put me on this earth to tolerate gay boys like Lernout & Hauspie Michael and lesbians like Lernout & Hauspie Michelle! Get out before I throw you out!
Beulah: Microsoft Sam! I won't stand for anymore of your bigotry! Accept it and be done with it, capeesh?
Sam: I don't need a lecture from you, fatso!
Beulah: (angrily) I said stop hating Lernout & Hauspie Michael and Lernout & Hauspie Michelle! And. Don't. Ever. Call. Me. Fatso!
(Beulah lifts Sam and throws him across the studio, sending him crashing offscreen. He's now injured.)
Sam: (dazed) Ouch! My ribcage...my spine...ow!
(Fade out, then fade back to the Looney Tunes rings.)
Anna: (narrating in text) Later, after Sam was treated at the hospital and Beulah promised not to throw Sam across the room again...
(Instead of the WB Shield, the Disneyland logo appears.)
Mike: Disneyland. Now Mickey Mouse can co-star with Bugs Bunny.
Mary: And Donald Duck can hobnob with Daffy Duck.
Anna: I wish I was in Disney, away, away. In Disneyland, I'll take my stand to share the magic of Disney.
Sam: Hey, Shield Guy... (shouts) IT'S NOT DISNEY YOU ASSWIPE, IT'S WARNER BROS.!
Shield Guy: Okay, Sam. If you're gonna be a sonofabitch, I'm gonna give it to you good!
(The Viacom V of Doom, the Screen Gems S from Hell, and the VID Mask of Doom zoom in instead of the WB Shield.)
Mike: Holy Schneikees! Do you see what I see?
Mary: It's the Viacom V of Doom, the Screen Gems S from Hell and the B-backwards-ND Mask of Guo Xiang!
Sam: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH!! (faints)
Anna: Sam? Sam? (walks up to him) Are you all right? Speak to me, Sam.
Abby: Oh my gosh! Sam's having a heart attack! Call 9-1-1!
(Transition to Sam waking up, only to find himself in a place where everything is red.)
Sam: (dazed) Oh...where am I? This doesn't look like the studio. What is this place?
(It turns out that he's in Satan's Kingdom!)
SFX: VID THEME
Sam: Holy Scheikees! Am I really in Satan's Kingdom?
Devil: Yes, Microsoft Sam. And this time, you really died.
She-Devil: And now that you're dead, you belong to us, forever! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sam: God! Save me!
Angel: You heard him, Satan! Let Sam go!
Devil: And who's gonna make me?
God: I will, you infernal hound dogs! Bring Sam back to life! Now!
Devil: Go away, interferer! Sam is mine!
(The Devil throws his pitchfork into Sam's stomach.)
Sam: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(Transition to Mary and Anna in the hospital.)
Mary: He's coming to, Anna.
(Sam wakes up in a hospital bed.)
Sam: (dazed) Oh...where am I?
Anna: Relax, Sam. You're in the hospital bed. The doctor said you had a mild heart attack. You're going to be okay.
Sam: That's a relief. I had a vision in which I met the Devil and the She-Devil in Satan's Kingdom. I called for God and the Angel to save me, but the Devil stabbed me in the gut with his pitchfork. Ouch!
Mary: There there, Sam. You probably had a bad dream.
Sam: And how are things at the studio?
Anna: Just fine. They're still trying to get the Looney Tunes introduction correct.
(Fade back to the Looney Tunes rings, but the word "Television" from the Paramount Television logo appears instead of the WB Shield.)
Mike: That's not the WB Shield. It's the "Television" from the Paramount Blue Mountain logo.
"Television": That's right. That Blue Mountain keeps abusing me and he keeps lying about it.
Abby: If the "Television" came here, I wonder where the WB Shield could be.
(Fade to the WB Shield and the Paramount Blue Mountain.)
WB Shield: Would you like me to buy you a drink, Blue Mountain?
Blue Mountain: Let's hit the bars. The night is ours.
(Both logos zoom out.)
Category:Transcripts