Episode 204: Pierce Brosnan/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Dr. Bunsen and Beaker display a chemistry set to Mr. Brosnan.
Bunsen	Let's go over some of the equipment you'll be needing to host the show this evening, Mr. Bond.
Pierce	Thank you, Bunsen, but uh, I'm not really James Bond. I'm uh, just Pierce Brosnan.
Bunsen	(chuckles) Whatever you say, 007! Wink wink. (laughs)
Beaker	(echoes Bunsen) Wink wink wink!
Bunsen	(hands him a mic) Now this interesting little gizmo looks like an ordinary microphone.
Pierce	A microphone, eh? And what does it do?
Bunsen	Well, it amplifies your voice electronically so the audience can hear you.
Pierce	I see. And I suppose this is the "on" button?
 	He presses the button and something explodes, startling Beaker and causing him to jump up and down, yelping.
Bunsen	No, that's the button that makes Beaker's pants explode. Beaker, go change your pants. Come along.
Pierce	Yes?
Bunsen	Over here, I'd like to show you this. We call this our Deadly Alarm Clock.
Pierce	I see. And how does that work?
Bunsen	Well, we put it in a great big slingshot and fire it point blank at somebody's head. It really hurts.
Pierce	I bet it does, Bunsen.
 	Enter Kermit.
Kermit	Oh. Oh! Hi there, Pierce. Hey. How's it going, huh?
Pierce	Well, it's going great, Kermit, except um, everyone's treating me like I'm James Bond, and I'm not. I mean, that's just the character I play in the movies.
Kermit	Oh, yeah.
Pierce	You know? I mean, because in real life I'm not that suave or debonair at all.
 	He applies a cotton swab to his ear.
Bunsen	Now where did I put that high-powered laser of death cotton swab?
Kermit	What?
 	A red beam shoots out of Pierce's ear as he uses the swab on his other ear. The beam makes a hole in the wall, startling Bobo, who's in the bathtub in the other room.
Bobo 	Wha? ... Hey! This is the reason I moved out of the Y!
Pierce	(tosses the swab) Well, I ... think I'll just go to makeup, guys.
 	He exits. Music button.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Pierce Brosnan! Ya––!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening act==
 	Main stage. The house band plays as Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford 	Hey! What's up, what's up! Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that can be seen anywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople!
Rizzo 	Clifford! Haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople!
Clifford 	What do you mean?
 	Four rats pop up and sing a passage from "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)". Clifford giggles. Rizzo walks off.
Clifford 	Any hue, our special guest tonight is none other than, Pierce Brosnan! (applause) Yeah! And here he is!
 	The camera, assuming the 007 "gun barrel" POV, looks for Pierce as spy music plays.
Clifford 	Uh ... right here ... walking right into the middle of that circle thing. Uh ... alright, where is he?
 	Backstage, Pierce frantically opens every door.
Pierce 	(panting) Stage door –– where's the stage door? This is ridiculous. They all look the same.
 	He opens another door to find Bobo in a towel, blow-drying himself off.
Bobo 	Wha–? You again? You must be one sad and lonely man!
Pierce 	Please don't get the wrong impression. It's just that I'm looking for the, uh–– oh, never mind.
 	Meanwhile, the camera still looks for him, reaching Clifford.
Clifford 	Hey, man! Get that thing off of me! (ducks) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, while we wait for Pierce Brosnan, uh, why don't we bring out another act? Uh, excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent. Later. (goes over to Rizzo) Yo, Riz, Riz, what you got for me?
Rizzo 	Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir's more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas.
Clifford 	Aw, that doesn't sound good!
Rizzo 	Well, it's either that or Seymour and Pepe doing German opera.
 	The hapless duo emerge wearing Wagnerian hats and dance to their theme music.
Seymour 	Hi there!
Pepe 	Ha ha!
Seymour 	♪ I'm Tristan!
Pepe 	♪ I'm Isolda!
Both 	♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	♪ We both wear lederhosen ...
Seymour 	♪ ... and go swimming up the Rhine!
Both 	Ta-da!
Clifford 	I'll go and introduce the grandmas.
Rizzo 	Yeah.
 	Seymour and Pepe exclaim in disappointment and go away.
Pepe 	I told you we should have done Sugar Babies, okay!
Clifford 	Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big Muppet welcome to the dancing grandmas!
 	The grandmas tap wildly to Los Lobos' "La Bamba".
 	Switch to the nursing home. Statler and Waldorf watch the show on TV.
Statler 	Woo woo! Look at her shake that thing.
Waldorf 	What thing is that?
Statler 	... I don't remember.
 	They chuckle. The grandmas continue dancing.
Granny 1 	Boy, you got it!
 	Rizzo and Clifford watch on a monitor backstage.
Clifford 	Hey Riz, those grandmas can sure bust a move!
Rizzo 	Yeah. Let's just hope they don't bust a hip. (they laugh)
Timid man 	Hey, Clifford! Look. I finally got over my fear of standing next to closed doors.
 	Pierce enters through the door and knocks him away.
Pierce 	(covering eyes) Is there any naked bears in here? Please, speak up now. (listens) ... Oh, very good. Hi, guys. How's everything?
Clifford 	Yo, yo, Pierce! Where you been, man? We need you for the Spy in the Casino sketch!
Rizzo 	Yeah!
Pierce 	Oh, good, good, good. What does that involve?
Clifford 	You know, the usual, where the spy has a fight scene, dances with beautiful women and gets tortured and saves the day.
Rizzo 	Right.
 	Awkward pause.
Pierce 	And what do I do?
Clifford 	That is what you'll be doing, man. You know, just like in your movies.
Pierce 	(stammers) But Clifford, this is live television! I mean, in the movies, we plan everything! We do it over and over again until we get it right! I mean, we have stuntmen and special effects, we go to exotic locations like –– Istanbul and Constantinople ...
 	Four rats pop up and sing another passage from "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)".
Pierce 	You know, Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat song has given me time to think. I'll do the sketch.
Clifford 	Good!
Pierce 	There's nothing like flying without a net. It should be fun. Live television.
Clifford 	Yeah.
Pierce 	Getting it perfect the first time. I'll be back.
Rizzo 	Alright.
 	Pierce trips and falls, quickly getting back up.
Clifford 	Are you alright?
Pierce 	I'm alright. I'm alright. I'm alright.
 	He goes back out the door he came in, again knocking over the timid guy.
==The Spy in the Casino / Backstage==
 	Open on a spinning roulette wheel in a casino. Pierce and several gamblers watch it spin.
Lady (LCR) 	Red 9. Come on, baby. Come to mama. Come on.
Dealer (BH) 	4 black. You win again, sir.
Pierce 	Luck is with me tonight. Thank you, sir. Thank you indeed. Yes, have one yourself.
 	He tosses a chip towards the dealer, hitting him in the eye.
Dealer (BH) 	Ow! Ow! My eye! My eye!
 	Pierce strolls along, passing a waiter with a tray. He picks up the tray and takes a sip out of one of the glasses, revealing that they're glued to the tray.
Pierce 	Ah. Champagne.
Waiter (DG) 	No, wait! That's a prop! I ...
 	Pierce, now wet, hands the tray back.
Waiter (DG) 	Thank you.
Pierce 	I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry about that.
 	Pierce walks over to another table, including spectators such as Spamela Hamderson.
Dealer (KC) 	You're showing 18, sir.
Blowfish 	Hmm, I'll hold.
Pierce 	Up to your old tricks of playing Pinochle again, eh, Blowfish?
Blowfish 	Huh? It's blackjack, you fool.
Pierce 	Oh. Changed your name to Blackjack? Very clever. But I still recognize you.
Blowfish 	Aw, be quiet. I'm in the middle of an important wager. I have £60,000 riding on this hand.
Pierce 	£60,000, eh? That's nothing for an international crook like you. Why, I've seen you bank much more ––
 	He leans on the table, accidentally knocking over the spectators and some of the chips.
Pierce 	Sorry. Uh –– sorry. Here you go.
 	He puts Blowfish back in his seat.
Blowfish 	You idiot.
 	Clifford and Rizzo watch on a monitor.
Clifford 	He's not exactly Fred Astaire.
Rizzo 	Ha! He's more like Fred Fall-down-Astaire. (laughs, pauses)
Clifford 	Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny.
 	Switch back to the casino. A French penguin emcee takes the stage.
Penguin (JN) 	Ladies and gentlemen! The Mama Cass-ino is proud to present the song stylings of Miss Porky Galore!
 	Applause as the curtain rises on Miss Piggy, who sings "Whatever Porky Wants, Porky Gets". She goes up to Pierce and starts seducing him, pressing the microphone button and causing Blowfish's pants to explode.
Blowfish 	Ow! My pants!
Pierce 	Sorry about that!
Bunsen 	(enters) So that's where my microphone went!
Miss Piggy 	Will you beat it?
Bunsen 	Yes... (exits)
Miss Piggy 	(continues singing and dancing with Pierce) –– OW! My foot!
Pierce 	Sorry.
 	Piggy continues singing, when Pierce accidentally rips off her pink dress.
Pierce 	Lovely dress you're ... not wearing.
 	Piggy runs off screaming.
Blowfish 	That is the last time ––
 	Pierce punches him, wincing afterwards.
Pig 	He is an idiot. Hmph!
 	Switch to backstage.
Clifford 	Aw, man, I've seen enough. Let's put this sketch to bed. Uh, cue the dancing grandmas.
Rizzo 	Too late. We already put them to bed.
Clifford 	Then wake 'em up, man! Meantime, uh, cue the Bay of Pigswatch, Nigel.
Nigel 	(spews, coughs) Cue the Bay of Pigswatch! CUE CUE CUE!
Assistant (BB)	Cue the next sketch.
==Bay of Pigswatch==
 	The opening title sequence plays. A. Ligator reads the title cards.
A. Ligator 	Bay of Pigswatch. Starring David Hoggselhoff as Champ Schwimmer. Spamela Hamderson as Spamela. And Andy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art C. Shell.
 	Champ, Andy and Randy stand at their post. Champ plays the ukulele and sings a song in mock-Hawaiian to Spamela. Andy and Randy sing along but soon get distracted by something.
Champ 	
♪ Hock-a-loogie, guacamole, maka-maka-mu,
♪ Soup-a-cup-a, soup-a-yucky-yucky looky-loo,
♪ Slap-a-lip-a-lock-a likey-like me too,
♪ Wook-a-Mookie-Wilson aka-haka-hoo!
Spamela 	Gee, Champ, that was a swell song!
Champ 	Oh. Well, would you like to hear it backwards?
Spamela 	Uh huh.
Champ 	♪ Waka-Wilson-Mookie––
Strangepork 	(off-screen) Schwimmer, step to attention!
Champ 	(gasp) It's Julius Strangepork, commissioner of beach safety, and my boss.
Strangepork 	Stand up straight!
Champ 	Yessir! (obeys his commands)
Strangepork 	Suck in your gut! Lift one leg!
Spamela 	Do the hokey-pokey!
Strangepork 	And turn yourself around!
Spamela & Champ	♪ That's what it's all about! (continue singing)
Strangepork 	That's enough!
Champ 	Yessir!
Strangepork 	(holds up a clipboard) It has come to my attention that your lifeguard license has expired.
Champ 	Why, that's impossible, sir. My level-headed assistant lifeguards just renewed it for me. Isn't that right, boys?
Andy 	Ooh! Ooh! Look, Champ! Donnie caught a goldfish with his head!
 	Randy wriggles with a shark on his head.
Randy 	Ooh! Nice fishy.
Strangepork 	Well, Schwimmer, obviously you must take the test again, or you can no longer be head lifeguard.
Champ 	Well, I'll do whatever it takes to keep this cushy job.
Strangepork 	Alright. The first test is weightlifting.
Spamela 	(sigh)
Champ 	Piece of cake.
Strangepork 	No, maybe later. But first, you have to lift that 500-pound barbell.
Champ 	(stammers) 500 pounds? (laughs) Well, okay. Dig this, Spamela.
Spamela 	(sigh)
 	Heroic music plays as Champ lifts the barbell.
Strangepork 	Very clever, Schwimmer. Now try it without the fabulous bacon boys.
 	A wider shot reveals that Andy and Randy assisted him in lifting the barbell.
Champ 	Alright, fellas, let it down.
Andy 	Okay.
 	They drop it on Champ's head. Spamela gasps.
Strangepork 	Well, since Champ has failed the test, and is completely kaput, hmm, I've decided to make you the new head lifeguard.
Spamela 	Goody! But –– I don't have a license either.
Andy 	Yo, yo, yo, you two! Donnie found Champ's license!
 	Champ re-emerges with the barbell on his head, and is followed by Randy.
Champ 	Where was it?
Randy 	Inside the goldfish! (wriggles away)
Strangepork 	Well, Schwimmer, it seems you're the head lifeguard again and there's only one thing left to do!
Champ 	The hokey-pokey?
Strangepork 	What else?
All 	♪ You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out...
==Swift Wits==
 	Applause. The light comes up; Snookie notices they're rolling.
Snookie 	Hey! Hi! Hello again! Welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV. I'm your host, Snookie Blyer, and here is today's contestant, Mr. Arthur Modell. (applause) Arthur, I understand you have an interesting story about the time you took a sea cruise with the Dalai Lama?
Arthur 	Yes, hi, Snookie. You see, we were um ...
Snookie 	Ah, okay, Arthur. I said you had an interesting story. I didn't say I wanted to hear it.
Arthur 	Sorry. (laughs)
Snookie 	(laughs) Okay! Let's see who you'll be playing for today! It's kindly old Rufus the hound! (a door reveals Rufus)
Arthur 	(laughs)
Snookie 	(laughs) Answer correctly, and we'll make sure Rufus gets all the medication he needs to enjoy his golden years. If, however, you fail to answer the question, old Rufus will be eaten alive by Carl the Big Mean Bunny. (another door reveals Carl)
Carl 	Hi!
Arthur 	(laughs)
Snookie 	(laughs) Now, let's tell our audience the correct answer.
A. Ligator	The answer is "The Battle of Hastings".
Snookie 	You have ten seconds, Arthur. Here are your clues...
Arthur 	The Battle of Hastings.
 	The bell dings; triumphant music plays.
Snookie 	Wow – that's right! (laughs) That's the first correct answer we've ever had in the history of this show! Oh, it's incredi– congratulations, Arthur!
Arthur 	(laughs) Thank you.
Snookie 	And congratulations to Rufus! Oh! I'm sorry, Carl, this is one guest you can't eat.
Carl 	That's what you say! (devours Rufus)
Arthur 	Hey – don't do that! Stop that!
Snookie 	Carl! Carl! Stop! Carl ...
 	Carl also devours Arthur. Snookie laughs maniacally as the closing music plays.
==Backstage==
 	Bobo talks on the phone at his post. A gang of lobsters huddle near him.
Bobo 	... cream and, uh, gold. Yeah. Very pretty.
Lobster (JN)	Alright. Here's the plan.
Lobster (DG)	Yeah, yeah?
Lobster (JN)	After we do our musical number, we take over the studio and make our demands.
Lobster (DG)	Okay.
Bobo 	Wha–? Hey, hey-hey-hey! What are you guys doing here?
Lobster (JN)	Uh, we're the Rock Lobsters. We're here to do our big "Rock Lobster" song on the show.
Lobster (DG)	Yeah, and then we're going to take over the studio.
Lobster (JN)	Quiet, chowderhead!
Lobster (DG)	What? What?
Bobo 	Wait a minute, what did he say?
Lobster (JN)	Uh, nothin'. He was talkin' about how bears'll believe anything you tell 'em.
Bobo 	(laughs) Ahh, you got that right. Have a good day, fellas.
 	The lobsters board the elevator.
Lobster (JN)	Whoa, tight security ... (laughs)
Lobster (DG)	That was a close one.
Seymour 	Oh, hi there. What floor may I take you to?
Lobster (JN)	Knock off the small talk, Dumbo, and take us to the third floor!
Seymour 	Alright!
 	The elevator door closes.
==At the Bar==
 	Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster 	♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy–– Ooh! Hey, Mr. Callahan, how ya doin'? The usual, huh? No? Then let me try something out on ya. (hands him a drink) I call this the Polly Wallbanger. (laughs) It's got a real ––
 	Mr. Callahan sips the drink and explodes.
Polly Lobster 	... ooh ... kick to it! Uh, don't worry, Mr. C, those stains'll come out! Huh? Uh, Clueless? Oh, yeah yeah yeah. He's in the back. I'll call him out. Uh, Clueless?
Clueless Morgan	Yeah, Polly? (reacts to applause) Heh heh! Thank you! Thank you. Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. Oh, uh, by the way, you got a run in your nylons, there.
Polly Lobster 	Say, Clueless?
Clueless Morgan	Yeah?
Polly Lobster 	What's this I hear about you going back to school?
Clueless Morgan	Oh, yes, yes. I'm going to knight school.
Polly Lobster 	Good for you. Uh, what are you studying?
Clueless Morgan	Uh, jousting.
Polly Lobster 	Jousting! (laughs) I get it! "Knight" school! Jousting! (laughs)
 	Clueless laughs, having finally got the joke. An awkward pause.
Polly Lobster 	You wanna sing or should I hit you with this frying pan?
Clueless Morgan	Oh, um ... I wanna sing. Paul?
 	Piano flourish. Clueless sings a passage from "Beautiful Dreamer" until Polly hits him with the pan.
Clueless Morgan	(dazed) I thought you said I had a choice.
Polly Lobster 	I lied. (laughs)
 	Mr. Callahan whacks Polly with another frying pan.
Polly Lobster 	(dazed) You're right, Mr. Callahan. It's not nice to lie. (faints)
==Circus Act==
 	The dancing grandmas tap wildly to "Le Freak". Clifford and Rizzo watch on the monitor, cabbage-patching.
Clifford & Rizzo	Go grannies! Go grannies! Go grannies! Go grannies!
Timid man 	Clifford! Clifford, look! I got over my fear of holding way too many pies next to a closed door!
 	Fozzie bursts through the door and knocks over the timid man and the pies.
Fozzie 	Clifford! Clifford! Oh, this is exciting! I've got great news! I just talked to Pierce, and he wants to do an act that's filled with danger, excitement, and things flying through the air ...
Clifford 	Wait, what is it, what is it, one of those action-adventure stunt shows?
Fozzie 	No, it's even better, it's juggling.
Clifford 	Juggling?
Fozzie 	Yeah. Yeah. With Andy and Randy Pig.
 	A beat. The three stiffen up in realization.
All three 	Hoy-ya ...
 	The stage fills with smoke as suspenseful stunt music plays.
A. Ligator 	Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the dazzling juggling artistry of Pierce Brosnan and Andy and Randy Pig!
 	Andy and Randy come out dressed in leotards, vocalizing to the music.
Andy 	... Mr. Brosnan!
Randy 	Where is he?
Andy 	I don't know! We're already out here!
 	They continue dancing and scatting. Pierce comes out and approaches them.
Pierce 	Sorry, fellas, I gotta make a trip to the little spies' room. (the pigs nod) Nerves, you know, top secret stuff.
Andy & Randy 	Yeah. Yeah.
 	Pierce makes his way to a bucket of juggling pins.
Pierce 	So! Nancy and Clancy! Let's juggle!
Andy & Randy 	Let's juggle!
 	He starts throwing the pins at the pigs, who get conked on the head.
Pierce 	Yes, here we go! There we go! Coming at you, Nancy! Coming at you, Clancy!
Andy 	Ow! Ow!
Randy 	Ow! We should've found out what juggling is!
Pierce 	Very good! There you go! Coming at you! That's it! Don't lose interest!
Andy 	Oof! Why is he hitting us?
Randy 	I don't know!
Andy & Randy 	THIS JOB'S TOO HARD! Oof!
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	I guess you've got to take the good with the bad.
Waldorf 	Yeah. But I'm still waiting for the good.
 	They chuckle.
Statler 	Yeah.
=="Rock Lobster" / Lobster takeover==
Clifford 	Ladies and gentlemen, before things really fall apart –– OOF!
 	He gets hit by a pin.
Clifford 	... here are the nautical but nice musical stylings of the Rock Lobsters.
 	Applause. The lobsters perform "Rock Lobster" with other accompanying animals. Clifford and Rizzo stroll backstage, chuckling.
Clifford 	Look at those lobsters out there. Aren't they cute? With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars, and their little lobster semiautomatic weapons.
 	They freeze in horror, and suddenly look at the monitor. The head lobster has taken over, with one of his assistants holding a cameraman at gunpoint.
Lobster (JN) 	Keep that camera pinned on me, or she'll shoot ya!
Lobsters 	(murmuring in agreement)
Lobster (DG) 	That's right! You'll be sorry then!
Cameraman (BH)	Alright, alright!
Lobster (JN) 	Shellfish of the world unite!
Lobsters 	Yeah!
Lobster (JN) 	We, the Crustacean Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppets' studio!
Lobsters 	Yeah! That's right!
Lobster (JN) 	Here we're gonna announce our plans for world domination!
Lobsters 	Yeah!
Lobster (JN) 	Here are our demands! First and from now on, when someone's in a bad mood, no more calling them "crab"!
Lobsters 	That's right! (murmuring in agreement)
Lobster (JN) 	Second, when someone is short, no more calling them "shrimp"!
Lobster (DG) 	Yeah, because that's one thing that really burns us, ya know, they call us shrimp ...
Lobster (JN) 	Take it easy, Ed.
Lobster (DG) 	Sorry.
 	The rest of the Muppets watch backstage.
Lobster (JN) 	Third, no more movies based on old TV shows!
Lobster (DG) 	Yeah, that's right –– wait a minute, what's that got to do with shellfish?
Lobster (JN) 	Nothing. It's for the benefit of all mankind.
Clifford 	Well, you gotta agree with them on that one.
Rizzo 	These guys look serious, chief! What are we gonna do?
 	Pierce enters with a suitcase. The others face him.
Pierce 	Clifford? I have an announcement to make.
Clifford 	I can't talk right now, Pierce! We're in the middle of a crisis!
Pierce 	Nevertheless, I came in here to make my apologies for ... ruining your show and ... to tell everyone that, um ... I'm leaving.
 	A beat. They all turn away from him.
Clifford 	Yeah, later.
Zippity Zap 	Alright, bye-bye now.
 	Pierce walks away, when Fozzie stops him.
Fozzie 	Pierce, Pierce, wait! Don't go! No, you didn't ruin the show! I mean, the Casino sketch, and your juggling act, they were hysterical!
Pierce 	Really? You thought they were funny, Fozzie?
Fozzie 	Oh, yeah! They were funny! Yeah, and I know funny, because I am a professional comedian! (honks his horn)
Pierce 	Oh, thank you.
Bunsen 	And Beakie and I found it scientifically entertaining. Remember, I am a professional scientist. (honks his own horn)
Pierce 	This is true, this is true! Oh, guys, you've made me feel so good! Thank you so much! If there's anything I can do that'll make this show better, I will do anything!
Clifford 	... Anything? Well, maybe you can help us with these armed lobsters that have taken over the studio.
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Pierce 	What?! No sooner said than done! Bunsen?
Bunsen 	Yes?
Pierce 	Quickly, go get those special gadgets together. (Bunsen exits with a honk) Fozzie? I'm off to slip into a clever disguise. (exits)
Fozzie 	Yes! (honks)
Lobster (JN) 	Demand #49: Istanbul should be changed to Constantinople!
 	Four rats pop up and sing another passage from "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)".
Lobster (JN) 	Alright, so it wasn't a real demand. I just wanted to hear that song again.
Lobsters 	(laughing)
Lobster (JN) 	Anyway, until all our demands are met, we rule the airwaves!
Lobsters 	Yeah!
Lobster (JN) 	We will control the entertainment on this show!
Lobsters 	Yeah! That's right!
Lobster (JN) 	We will put on what WE wanna see!
Lobsters 	Yeah!
Lobster (JN) 	Men, what do we wanna see?
Lobsters 	(whispering)
Lobster (JN) 	You're kidding. What? Are you sure?
Lobsters 	Yeah. We're sure.
Lobster (JN) 	Alright then. We choose to put on ... the dancing grandmas!
Lobsters 	Yeah!
Nigel 	Cue! (shoves weasel out of the way)
 	He switches to the dancing grandmas, who tap wildly to "Get On Up". Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.
Waldorf 	What's that?
Statler 	My pulse!
 	They chuckle.
==Closing number==
 	The cameraman, still at gunpoint, is now also gagged.
Lobster (JN)	Alright! It's been five minutes and I can see our demands are not going to be met! Uh, Agnes, when I get home, I don't want to say I told you so. Now, to show you how serious we are, bring out the hostages! (laughs)
 	They bring out Seymour and Pepe, tied up and yelping.
Both 	Oh no! Please! Please! No! No! Help us!
Lobster (JN)	So, how does it feel now that you're about to be sacrificed, big-shot capitalistic entertainers?
Lobsters 	Yeah! (laughing)
Lobster (JN)	Let's hear you sing now!
Lobsters 	Yeah.
Both 	Okay! (their theme music begins)
Seymour 	I'm Seymour.
Pepe 	I'm Pepe.
Both 	♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	♪ We're about to be sacrificed ...
Seymour 	♪ And I've got a ... big behind?
Pepe 	(aside) If we had only a little more time to prepare, okay ...
Seymour 	Yeah, yeah ...
Lobster (JN)	Silence! Take 'em away before they sing again!
 	Pierce comes out, dressed as a lobster.
Pierce 	Wait, wait, wait!
Lobster (JN)	Hey, who's the new kid?
Pierce 	The name's Prawn. James Prawn. (spy music begins)
Lobster (JN)	Welcome to the car, Stretch!
Lobster (DG)	Careful, boss, it could be a trap.
Lobster (JN)	Hey, look, I'm a lobster! I know a trap when I see one! A trap doesn't have catchy music cues! Okay, Prawn, you can kill 'em.
Pepe 	No, no!
Lobster (JN)	On second thought, I wanna kill 'em.
Pepe 	No!
Pierce 	Don't you think you're being a little ... shellfish?
Lobster (JN)	I am a little shellfish. Huh? Oh, I get it! It's a pun.
Lobster (DG)	Ahh.
Lobster (JN)	Wait a second! Crustaceans don't make puns!
Lobster (DG)	Yeah, you're no prawn!
Lobster (JN)	Get him, boys!
 	Pierce aims the Deadly Alarm Clock slingshot at the lobsters and hits one of them.
Pierce 	Okay, your time's up! This is it! (BONK!) Alright! You have really –– (he gets hit by a bullet) AAH! –– You've really ticked me off now!
 	He hits another lobster. The others watch backstage.
Clifford 	Man, look at Pierce go!
Rizzo 	Yeah!
Clifford 	Boy, this sure would make a great closing number.
Rizzo 	Yeah, if only we had some music.
 	Johnny and Sal enter.
Sal 	Outta the way! Johnny Fiama comin' through singin' a cheap knockoff of a James Bond song!
Johnny 	That's enough there, Sal.
Sal 	Outta the way!
 	As Pierce fends off the lobsters, Sal plays the trumpet and Johnny sings to the tune of "Goldfinger".
Johnny 	
♪ Pierce Brosnan ...
♪ He's the guy,
♪ The guy with the clocks that fly ...
♪ He just clocked that guy.
♪ Ooh! Pierce Brosnan ...
♪ Pierce Brosnan ...
♪ Pierce ...
 	Pierce nearly collapses after defeating all the lobsters.
Sal 	Well done!
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
 	Applause. Pierce, Seymour, Pepe, Rizzo and Clifford gather for a curtain call.
Clifford	Yeah. Yo, Pierce, it was great having you on the show.
Pierce 	Thank you, Clifford, man, I mean, what can I say? I mean, doing your show has, uh, reinvigorated me. I feel as if there's nothing I couldn't do now.
Gonzo 	(whoosh!) Really? What about fire-eating?
Pierce 	Sure. Why not?
 	They watch and react in awe as Pierce picks up a flaming baton, breathes fire onto it, and places it in his mouth. Applause.
Clifford	Yeah! That's amazing! Let's give it up for our special guest, Mr. Pierce Brosnan! Yeah!
 	Applause. Piggy joins them.
Gonzo 	Reminds me of my own hearburn.
Seymour 	Wow!
Clifford	How do you feel now, Pierce?
Pierce 	(fans his mouth) It feels hot. Hot. Hot, hot, hot, hot ...
Clifford	Hey! Good musical segue way! Hit it!
 	They all dance to "Hot Hot Hot".
Clifford	Do it, Pierce!
Pierce 	I'm doing it, Clifford! I'm doing it just for you! Thank you, guys ...
Clifford	Good night, everybody ...
 	The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Rizzo, Clifford and Pepe.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts