(Unofficial) The Phalanx

bushman who died: this thing needs updating lol
Since some people still dont get it. THIS IS PURE JOKE, NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY EVERYTHING HERE IS GIANT OVEREXAGGERATION AND WHILE READING THIS DONT TAKE THIS AS WHATS ACTUALLY HAPPENING ON SERVER AS THIS IS SATIRIC VIEW ON SERVER MADE BY ONE OF PLAYERS.
== The Most Retarded Ship in All of Existence ==
"There's a scientist who turns himself into a pickle, he calls himself Pickle Rick." - CBC Pandora talking to Crash-course as they walk into the elevator
=== Phalanx background 101 ===
RV Phalanx is the biggest trainwreck of a ship in the entire multiverse. The ship is being attacked almost every day by CIS Forces, yet somehow we never got destroyed even when engaging with CIS most powerful Battleship "Malevolence". High command is as always brain dead and barely even showing up on ship making it an unorganized mess. RV Phalanx is so special we even got to meet Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker but due to them not being important they disappeared one day, hearing them only occasionally when they due to plot protection save our asses from death.
=== Phalanx high Command ===
Currently, Captain of the ship is Wrendol Toshe, coming from Toshe family which apparently is bigger than most of the Dynasties that ruled Europe in entire world history. Army Commander is CBC (Clone Battalion Commander) Pandora who magically changed his nickname after getting promoted to such position. Phalanx current leaders are Jedi General Keldrr Ramt'ii and his padawan, Commander Jado Kattesi who isnt already very likeable character.
=== Trebuchet Battalion ===
Currently, Phalanx holds an Trebuchet Battalion of 501st Legion. Our battalion is made out of 3 Companies. First being an Infantry Company called "Aurek Company" lead by 2nd LT Soz'in who decided to be edgy school shooter with Mandalorian name instead of Nickname, Aurek Company makes the backbone of our Battalion being the ones who always get killed by Besh or Zerek mostly by them driving over us. The second company is our Recon "Zerek Company" an ARF (Advanced Recon Force) detachment serving in 501st, lead by Major Baker whom himself is incompetent and nobody knows why he got promoted (he has been demoted again, and is once again Captain Baker), they are the most disliked company due to their behavior and members, Zerek is mostly famous for their heroic and gentle acts of driving over Aurek with their BARC speeders and complaining they can't use Overpowered ammunition on their sniper rifles. Lastly, we move to our armored Detachment called "Besh Company" lead by Captain Crackjack, these guys have serious superiority complex, going around and talking how cool they are at pretty much every occasion. Due to Besh being armed with bazookas and tanks they are the most liked unit on the server and every new trooper sucking off them in order to join them. Besh similar to Zerek is responsible for most of the deaths on the ship, due to their decision making they are responsible for all deaths in Aurek Company, the first time due to their previous CO: Captain Pandora surrendering to CIS forces leading up to the death of SGT Skav who didn't want to reveal any info during interrogation, and second when SGT Dreamer got the bright idea of detonating some sort of reactor or something in the tunnel leading to the death of LCPL 8375 in an explosion. Though a majority of deaths are caused to severe incompetence and disorganization of unit within the Aurek Company, due to the previously mentioned, dumb CO: 2nd LT Soz'in. Phalanx also holds a small unit of ARC troopers called Kandosi squad who are apart of Aurek Company, these guys are the guys you wanna be next to when the enemy is over running your position but as far away when in a populated city due to several occasions of them firing on civilians, many are surprised how are they not yet court marshaled. Kandosii squad holds a "specific" reputation on the ship due to their behavior being assholes to basically everyone but them and making missions objectives harder to achieve by killing political targets we are supposed to >kill or capture. The newest addition to Phalanx are Marines who are apart of Navy under leadership of SGT 8888 and apparently are there to guard them but for some unknown reason they are deployed as if they were normal troops seen several times disobeying orders of ground CO and causing unnecesary clusterfuck.
== Phalanx and it's crew history ==
"For fuck's sake shut up Big Mouth" - Literally everyone who meets LCPL-5248 "Big Mouth"
=== Training on Kamino. ===
Trebuchet Battalion started their story like every first batch clone, on Kamino. There they trained under supervision of Mandalorian Instructor Harlen Frau and somehow managed to pass basic training. There on Kamino all troops get to know each other and prepare for the horrors of war that were about to come. Just kidding we all fucked around and did almost nothing apart of few training.
=== First Battle of Geonosis ===
Shortly after they were deployed on Geonosis with absolutely no rank structure with Sergeants being the only officers on field. While there Trebuchet established HQ in Arena they captured and even set up scouting outpost not far from arena. Battle was harsh and Trebuchet proved to everyone that they were absolutely shitty at their job when they failed to do the only thing they were meant to do on Geonosis, capture CIS Leadership. This meant that Clone wars would start and heavy fighting on awful planets in awful conditions. On Geonosis, by some unknown magic none of Companies suffered any losses and the entire battle was won without any coming out with PTSD.
=== First Battle of Kamino ===
At one point we got a message that Kamino is gonna get attacked by CIS forces and the Phalanx was ordered to mount up defenses there. Not long after our arrival on Kamino we were greeted with awful weather, terrible memories and aliens with necks longer than spaghetti. It was on Kamino where we met famous but at the same time not that famous Commander Cody and Captain Rex but they don't matter since halfway through the battle they disappeared. After (literally again) several hours of waiting the CIS finally arrived at Kamino and started to rape the clones including our protagonists who then heroically retreated to their barracks where they magically were saved by ARCs (Advanced Recon Commandos). After ARCs joined the fight we managed to kill all the droids but it came at not that big of cost because our Instructor and Advisor both died on Kamino but nobody really remembers them these days. After the battle the Besh Commanding Officer got into a fight with ARC Captain who insulted Captain Rex and his sub-par leadership that lead to the deaths of a few clones and the instructor. And then all the other commanding officers started simping for Rex.
After Battle of Kamino Phalanx was back going around Galaxy saving everyone, committing war crimes and being generally badasses of the Galaxy until...
=== Destruction of Malevolence ===
The Phalanx was called by General Kenobi to assist him and his fleet in the destruction of the CIS Battleship "Malevolence" which was mentioned before. During the entire battle even thougt we were targeted by the Malevolence we didn't get destroyed because as always Anakin Skywalker saved our asses.Although it did get very dark on ship and its even said that few privates pissed their pants but nobody knows which ones.
As of now the Phalanx is back going around Galaxy and doing what they do best: Murdering everyone. Nobody knows how long their genocide dream will last but only the future will show...
=== Halo World ===
Server management thought it would be funny and quirky if we managed to travel to Halo World (because SM is Halo loving fuck) so on 1st April we did. On patrol mission we were sucked in by black hole into Halo Universe. There we started fighting some alien ship or something (never played Halo) and finally forced to flee from ship and crash land on Planet nearby. While there we meet some US dudes who helped us, and in the end we managed to get out of this weird place. And conveniently none of us remembers the entire thing cause it was just a bad dream.
=== Second Battle of Geonosis ===
Quite recently Phalanx has been called to assist GAR in Second Battle of Geonosis (after their weird adventure into Halo world but we dont talk about that cause I missed that). Phalanx and Trebuchet Battalion were send to their old HQ, big arena where they stayed during First Battle of Geonosis. At first day of invansion Trebuchet Battalion was tasked in recapturing areas around Arena and capture stated Arena aswell as establishing HQ there. After not so bloody battle with only one SFC person dying (cause lmao he suck) Trebuchet was well established on their old home, suprinsingly Outpost they made months ago was still there. After that nothing much happend excluding the fact Droid Factory they destroyed during First Battle of Geonosis was working again so they blew it up again. Second day of Battle was focused on capturing some shitty bases and we also almost run into General Grevious who would probably kill us easily but we are lucky as fuck. Also some random Marine SGT died but who cares he's Marine lmao. At last day of Battle Geonosis was fully captured and Battle was Won by the Republic, we also got to meet our new Jedi's but they gay and also looking like people with extra chromosons and Aurek got new CO who choose some virgin edgy Mandalorian name instead of Chad nicknames and LCPL Big Mouth became depressed alcocholic after losing a great friend.
And yet again Phalanx and its crew finds themselfs in Galaxy going around and murdering people, learning new things (like Dreamer actually had a girlfriend like holy shit) and generally being fucking useless at their job.
=== Battle of Mimban ===
Under order of Darth Sidious Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine entire 501st was send to Mimban to restore order (and retake control of mining facilities cause we all about money and resources, who cares if people die?). Quickly after reaching Mimban we got into battle with enemy Fleet, as usual we came out victorious. General Obi Wan Kenobi then gave speech but who cares there is no thing such as morale in our battalion we just want to kill droids. After speech all of us loaded to LAAT and went to surface to capture Paris I mean Mimban (the ww1 vibes are too obvious). Landing at Mimban was followed by combat with enemy forces and ultimately led us to partying like its France 1915 with all of our favourite buddies: Mud, Trenches, no man's land and a lot of artilerry.
We were stuck on Mimban for around 2 months 1 week where we had a lot of fun because Trenches are great and all, during our great stay on Mimban we did stuff like: sit in trench, raid Zerek bunks for food, sit in trench, defend the trench against incoming droids, sit in trench and sit in trench. Later on that Skywalker and Kenobi guy (you guessed it) saved our asses by discovering some tunnels under city and destroyed their field generator or something (watch star wars 2003 for that, there is scene where they do that) and we finally won Battle of Mimban. A lot of us lost friends, sanity, vodka and tea in those trenches but no need to worry we are back on Phalanx again and we can pillage caffeteria all we like again.
=== Coruscant Insurrection ===
(Thanks to zero cooperation with anyone on server I was unable to get any info on the entire battle so this is very not detailed version). Phalanx presence was requested by General Kenobi to Coruscant as it was attacked by some super duper droids that couldnt be killed with lightsabers but in reality they could if you sliced them in specific place. Before mission we were given some super duper special blasters that were able to penetrate the droid armor, but it was only for DC15S and DC15A meaning most of us lost our only special weapons such as Z6. Once we landed on Coruscant we made our way to Jedi Temple to kill all the jedis, I mean to kill all the droids. Ofcourse we killed them all because we are main characters of this story so we cant lose. Then some evil magician guy stole some tried stealing holocron or something but he was killed but Count Dooku steal the holocron. Some shit happend later but it doesnt matter.
(See us next friday at Disney+)
Past this point this unofficial wiki was left by it's owner as he was banned, no clue if this will ever get updated but I do hope so. I'm glad I was able to make some people reading it laugh and hope it can still bring joy and laughter to people in future. Signing off BoomBler
== Some useless shit everyone types here ==
- Original Text by BoomBler
PS. You can edit it as long as you keep original text, this my art and I don't want it destroyed, thanks.
PSS. The reason the majority of deaths in Aurek are caused by Besh is that Aurek are dumb - Crackerjack
PSSS. Besh has also indirectly killed thousands of civillians, whereas Kandosii has probably killed like, what, one or two? Besh are the real retards. -Finch
PSSSS. We're only directly responsible for about 1/3 of the friendly fire incidents, don't pin war crimes on us. -Del/Kamikaze
PSSSSS: The Zerek Commanding Officer is a furry.
PSSSSSS. Polish vodka is the best - BoomBler
PSSSSSSS. The Republic gives really shitty T-Shirts to people that die on Mimban. - Wheezer
PSSSSSSSS: haha im not shat on in the trebuchet section ligma balls! - Vale