My child is illegitimate.

My child is illegitimate. is season 2 episode 4 of I hate my child..
==Synopsis==
Flashback episode to how EB met Zoltan and then broke up with him, as well as how Golf became so crazy.
==Transcript==
[The episode starts with Bot watching TV, where an episode of How I Met Your Mother is being shown]
Barney or whatever idk: And that’s how I met your mother.
[Laugh track]
Bot: What a tubular show! I wonder how I will meet my mother…uh…hmm. Who is my mother? Hey dad!
Zoltan: Your mother? Well, it’s a complicated story… You see…
Bot: I’m adopted?
Zoltan: No, not really.
Bot: You’re gay?
Zoltan: I’m perfectly straight, it’s just that your mother… was EB.
Bot: Wait, EB The Original Master? The Roblox YouTuber?
Zoltan: Precisely.
Bot: Holy crap, I still watch his videos! But…how?
Zoltan: Well daughter, let me start from the very beginning.
[Flashback to 1914's Sarajevo]
Franz Ferdinand: Yo I am moving in this convertible automobile in Sarajevo I'm sure everyone loves me.
[Franz Ferdinand gets shot]
Franz Ferdinand: MEOWCH!
[Cut back to the present]
Bot: What does this have to do with anything?
Zoltan: Well World War I happened, then World War II, Nazis, steel dragon, talisman, French Guy, Mike, Zoltan's Mum… Okay, well, basically, I was just 20 years old…
[Flashback to a young adult Zoltan with long hair in an apartment with Crazy]
Crazy: Why am I here? I was managing a company 5 minutes ago.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Stop complaining, you cat.
Crazy: I am not a cat!
Zoltan: Oh well, I just graduated from community college, so I need to do something with my life. Luckily, I have a list.
[The list only has one sentence on it, that being "Get some bitches."]
Zoltan: This will be a bit difficult.
Crazy: Why are you keeping me as a dog I never agreed to any of this
Zoltan: Shut it. You stay here, while I get a girlfriend.
Crazy: Well looks like I have the whole house to myself for a while.
[Cut to Zoltan in a café that bares resemblance to the one seen in hit spin-off SpongeBob's Café]
Zoltan: This café sure looks like it's full of WOMEN.
[Everyone is revealed to be a man]
Zoltan: Oh right, 90% of the female population was wiped off the face of the Earth by SpongeBin.
Smooth voiceover: Wow, really building that cinematic universe up.
Zoltan: Why am I hearing voices now?
Waiter: Sir, do you want a drink?
Zoltan: Ew, male waiters?! I only like waiters of the feminine kind. Looks like I’ll be alone forever…
[Zoltan frowns and leaves the café, then gets into his car and returns home, only running over two people]
Crazy: So, how did getting a girl go?
Zoltan: I’m sooo alooone…
Crazy: L + Ratio
Zoltan: Huh? What does that mean?
Crazy: Not important, anyway, as an expert at getting a girlfriend, you should sit in that exact same place for the rest of your life until you find someone to love.
Zoltan: Hm, maybe you are right…
[Cut to 2 months later where Zoltan is still sitting at the café]
Zoltan: Hm, maybe he wasn’t right. You know what, I’m going to leave! I’m never coming back to this place! I will live alone with a dog forever!
[Zoltan gets up and tries to leave, but bumps into a man on his way]
Zoltan: Oh dear, I’m so sor-
[Zoltan looks at the man, who is revealed to be EB]
Zoltan: I’m…so sorry…
EB: It’s quite okay.
Zoltan: I want to marry you and live the rest of my life with you and have 678 children.
EB: Uh… alright…
Zoltan: Er… my name is Zoltan… Auger…
EB: Is that a fake name?
Zoltan: No, it’s just… What’s your name?
EB: EB.
Zoltan: Jeez, and you thought my name was fake!
[Zoltan starts laughing nervously, but quickly stops and looks at EB, worried]
Zoltan: Okay, let’s forget this and never speak to each other ever again.
EB: I agree, we should do that.
[Cut to Zoltan crying at his home]
Zoltan: WHY CAN’T I GET A SINGLE PARTNER…
Crazy: Skill issue.
Zoltan: Why do you sound like a futuristic robot from the year 2076?
Crazy: Uh, anyway, so what happened?
Zoltan: I met this guy called EB, who I was attracted to despite being completely heterosexual. But his attractive head made me nervous and I was about to cry and I made fun of his name and said we should never speak to each other again and I am going to bomb-
Crazy: Slow down there buddy chum pal friend buddy pal chum bud friend fella brother amigo, it’s not that big of a deal. There are plenty of fish in the ocean or whatever.
Zoltan: I know, but he was such a beautiful fish…
Crazy: He sounds like the type of guy to play Roblox as an adult or something.
Zoltan: Well, I vowed to never go to that café again, so… I guess it’s over. I will stay here.
Crazy: Hm, I guess you’re right. Well, I’m gonna do dog stuff in our garden. Stay here crying, please.
Zoltan: Stupid dog I can’t even afford a garden
Crazy: Oh did I say garden I meant… The park. Yeah.
Zoltan: Okay but make sure to not get lost! Wait I don’t even like you why did I say that
[Cut to Crazy outside of the café from earlier, looking at the people inside]
Crazy: Okay, the last time I did this, this was the place… Hm… Only men…this could be it. WAIT! I see him! EB!
[Crazy enters the café, but is kicked out for being a dog]
Crazy: Dang. Wait, I have an idea.
[Crazy grabs his gun and runs inside]
Crazy: Hey guys look at this!
[Crazy shoots everyone except EB brutally]
Crazy: I love America.
EB: What the fuck?
Crazy: Hey EB, wanna hear a joke?
EB: How do you know my na-
Crazy: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a clammy pop?
EB: Uh… I don't know.
Crazy: CLAMETY EIGHT!
[Silence fills the room]
EB: Talk about filler, Patrick!
Crazy: Follow me.
EB: Alright, I mean, if I don’t, you will probably shoot me.
[Crazy takes EB to Zoltan’s place]
Crazy: Okay, we’re here.
Zoltan: WHAT THE-
EB: Wait, aren’t you the guy who I met at that café?
Zoltan: But- but we agreed to never speak to each other again!
Crazy: Zoltan, I think it is time for you to speak with your heart.
Zoltan: EB, I… I… Okay, the last time we met was a little awkward, so… Let’s try again. My name is Zoltan Auger, and I recently moved into this town.
EB: Uh, my name is EB, and I have been living here for… A while.
Zoltan: Okay, do you have any hobbies?
EB: I play Roblox.
Zoltan: Amazing. I mean, amazing! I live with my dog and… that’s pretty much it.
Crazy: See? You’re both losers! You’re perfect for eachother!
Zoltan: I guess…
EB: Well, I suppose we could give it a try.
Crazy: Great!
Zoltan: Wait, why do you want us to meet so badly?
Crazy: Because… I don’t want you to be so pathetic.
Zoltan: Oh that makes sense.
EB: So, do you want to do some stuff together maybe?
Zoltan: What kind of stuff?
EB: Like, a romantic Roblox roleplay or something.
Zoltan: I don’t know, Roblox seems kinda gay.
Crazy: It’s okay Zoltan, it’s obvious you are too.
Zoltan: I AM NOT GAY! I’m just a bit less heterosexual than other people.
EB: Okay then, do you have any other plans?
Zoltan: We could like, go bowling or something?
EB: Gay bowling? Sounds great!
Zoltan: It’s not gay!
[Cut to the three at a bowling game]
Crazy: So do either of you know how to play this game?
Zoltan: Of course!
[Zoltan throws the bowling ball and hits the wall]
Zoltan: Yes! Strike!
[One boring game of bowling later]
EB: Wow Zoltan, you actually somehow managed to win!
Zoltan: Wait, I did?
EB: Yeah! So, how should we celebrate?
Zoltan: I don’t know, I’ve never won in my life before.
EB: Maybe we could get a drink or something?
Zoltan: I don’t know, I’ve never had a drink in my life before.
EB: Really? Well it’s about time!
Zoltan: Okay… I will probably regret this.
EB: Come on, only one drink!
[Zoltan takes a sip of a glass of alcohol; cut to Zoltan and EB being heavily intoxicated on the bowling line thing where they throw the bowling BALLZ]
EB: SO like… Osama do you think that like the twin towers?
Zoltan: Of course like the election definitely rigged.
[A bowling ball is rolled at the two]
EB: OUGH i think that hit my pancreas… Zoltan, if I die right now I want to let you know that this was the best day of my life…
Zoltan: Same… I think I love you…
EB: I love-
Crazy: GET UP YOU DRUNK IDIOTS AND PROCREATE
Zoltan: Why so mean?
Crazy: I need some new workers for my future company- I mean uh because I want you two to be a happy couple.
EB: I think this dog is right, we should probably go home now.
Crazy: Oh finally!
[Cut to Zoltan being in his bed with EB]
EB: Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed.
Zoltan: No problem, but don’t you think that this place is a bit small for the two of us? I was thinking of moving to a bigger place.
EB: Yeah, I think we should live together in a bigger house or something.
Crazy: Can you two ever SHUT UP?
Zoltan: no u stupid dog
[Zoltan throws a brick at Crazy]
EB: So uh… We should probably get to know each other more. What’s the thing you regret the most?
Zoltan: The talisman.
EB: What?
Zoltan: Well there was this talisman that my great-grandfather got and one day I lost it and it caused me to ruin my life on SBFW…
EB: Wait, SBFW? I haven’t heard that name in a while. Anyway, what were you saying?
Zoltan: Um, not important.
EB: Well okay. Also, we should look for a nice house tomorrow.
Zoltan: Alright.
[They are in the bed in silence for a while]
EB: Do you want to make love?
[Cut to morning]
Zoltan: Well that was GREAT!
EB: I agree.
Zoltan: So what was that thing we were talking about earlier?
EB: Looking for a new house?
Zoltan: Oh right.
Crazy: Wait, you guys are moving? I’m a dog! This is my space! I can’t-
[Zoltan throws a brick at Crazy again}
Zoltan: Stupid dog I’m ballin’. Anyways, yes, let’s look for a new house.
[They put Crazy in his cage and pack away their things]
EB: Well, I think we have put everything important away, let’s find a new home.
[Cut to EB and Zoltan looking for various funky houses]
EB: Hey, what about this one?
Zoltan: I don’t know, it looks too bland.
Crazy: HEY! Where am I?
EB: Okay, then, what about that one?
Zoltan: I mean, it’s alright, but it’s not my style.
EB: What about this one? It says there are nightmare neighbors next door.
Zoltan: That could be quite humorous.
Crazy: YES THAT ONE!
EB: Alright then!
[They walk inside the house i don't know how buying houses works]
Zoltan: Yeah, I can see us living here.
Crazy: Excellent…
EB: Well then, I say we can purchase this.
Zoltan: Wait, what about the nightmare neighbors?
EB: Uh… Let’s see.
[They walk outside and see Golf and Aaron doing gardening]
Zoltan: Top of the morning to you, neighbors!
Golf: Hello neighbor!
Aaron: Sup.
Crazy: Oh, it’s the Ken Stringfellow guy.
Aaron: Who’s Ken Stringfellow?
Crazy: oh god oh fuck
Golf: So, what’s you two’s names?
EB: I’m EB the Original Master.
Zoltan: And I am Zoltan Auger.
Golf: These names are great! I’d love to be your neighbor!
Aaron: And so do I!
Zoltan: Oh, and how could I forget, here’s our dog, Crazy!
Crazy: I hate all of you.
[Aaron pats him]
Aaron: Aw, he’s such a nice dog!
Golf: By the way, I’m Golf, and this is my friend Aaron.
Aaron: I am being very productive right now.
Golf: Well, if you guys want anything, I will be inside listening to some music.
EB: This is great! We have a house, neighbors, we have everything!
Zoltan: Exactly.
EB: Okay, bye Golf and Aaron!
[Zoltan and EB walk inside their house with Crazy]
Zoltan: To celebrate, we should have a drink!
EB: Woah, I didn’t know you’d fall in love with alcohol so fast!
Zoltan: Don’t worry, I won’t become a crazed alcoholic.
EB: Alright, just don’t get too carried away.
[Cut to Zoltan lying on the floor drunk]
Zoltan: I didn’t even do the thing. The do that thing thing I didn’t.
EB: Zoltan, you’ve drunk all of our beer! I was planning on keeping that in case of an emergency party or something.
Zoltan: I may have gone a bit overboard, but I didn’t. I was just saying how the presidency fault.
[Aaron enters]
Aaron: Hey guys, I just wanted to tell you that this Stringfellow guy your dog was talking about isn’t that bad.
[Aaron sees Zoltan lying on the floor]
Aaron: Oh, wrong timing.
[Aaron goes back to his house]
EB: Zoltan, you need to stop drinking. It’s only going to get worse if you continue.
Crazy: Yeah, I wanted you to become less of a loser but you just became a bigger one.
Zoltan: Well FUCK YOU guys I can do whatever I please!
EB: *gasp* What did you say?!
Zoltan: I said you guys suck!
EB: That’s it, good luck being alone for the rest of your life.
Crazy: WAIT NO! Uh… It’s just the alcohol, he will stop! I will get him to stop!
EB: Okay, but if he gets drunk like this one more time, I’m leaving.
Crazy: Phew.
[Cut to 9 months later, where Zoltan is bald and looks similar to how he does in the rest of the series]
EB: Zoltan, really? Again? You’ve been doing this every single day for the last 9 months. I was thinking you’d stop drinking when you promised me. I believed it would only last a few days… But the days became weeks… Then the weeks became months… And here we are..
Zoltan: Get out of here you i dont evem like you i never shouldve married you your a WHORE
EB: Zoltan, you are pregnant, if you’re ever gonna stop, then do it now. Please, it’s the only option you have… Our child is going to end up wacky if you continue… Please, if you don’t do it for me, do it for your child.
Zoltan: FUCK YOU BITCH! I HATE YOU, AND I HATE MY CHILD.
[EB breaks down crying]
EB: I just… What happened to the awkward guy I met 9 months ago? Where did he go?
Zoltan: Why are you still here you…
[Zoltan throws a beer bottle at EB]
EB: WHAT THE FUCK. I’m done. Good riddance.
Crazy: NO DON’T GO!
[EB shuts the door]
Crazy: WHAT THE HELL, ZOLTAN?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HIM! I TRIED TO SAVE YOU! ALL OF MY EFFORT, ONLY FOR YOU TO END UP LIKE THIS!
Zoltan: Stupid dog.
[Zoltan throws a bottle at Crazy]
Crazy: Fuck’s sake bro, now me and EB have to go to the Roblox hospital.
[Crazy goes outside as well, leaving Zoltan alone; cut to Zoltan waking up the next day]
Zoltan: What the, my head hurts like hell. What happened last night?
[Zoltan sees broken beer bottles and blood everywhere]
Zoltan: Oh my god… No…
Crazy: Oh, so you woke up, you human wreckage.
Zoltan: Where is EB? Is he safe? Is he alright?
Crazy: I'm afraid he left you. It seems in your anger, you hurt him.
Zoltan: No, that’s impossible…
Crazy: It is the truth.
Zoltan: Ouch, aw my stomach!
Crazy: And you are also pregnant.
Zoltan: I think I’m going to give birth.
Crazy: Oh no, okay, we need an ambulance! Quick, EB… Oh right, guess I’ll have to call them.
Zoltan: CALL THE AMBULANCE ALREADY
Crazy: OKAY!
[Cut to Zoltan at the hospital with Crazy next to him]
Crazy: Zoltan? Are you awake?
Zoltan: Wh-where am I?
Crazy: You gave birth to your child.
Zoltan: R-really?
Crazy: Yeah, though she still doesn’t have a name.
Zoltan: She? Uh… Well… Maybe, Paige Auger? That sounds nice I guess…
Crazy: Paige Auger? Yeah, that name sucks.
Zoltan: So, where is she?
[Zoltan walks to the Baby Room and sees his child]
Zoltan: Oh my God, this is my child. I need to tell EB.
Crazy: Wait, don’t!
[Zoltan calls up EB and he picks up]
EB: Zoltan, in case you just woke up, last night I left you for good. It’s just that your drinking has really affected your, mine, Crazy’s, and your future child’s life. I just didn’t want to live with someone like that, especially after you assaulted me. I hope you understand. Goodbye.
Zoltan: Wait… I need to tell you something…
EB: …What is it?
Zoltan: The baby is born.
EB: Oh… Wh-what’s its name?
Zoltan: Her name is Paige.
[EB doesn’t know what to say for a few seconds]
EB: Take good care of her.
[EB hangs up; cut to Zoltan and Crazy arriving home with the baby]
Crazy: Well, Zoltan, do you want to show your baby to your neighbors?
Zoltan: I don’t want to, but I probably should.
[Zoltan opens the neighbors’ door]
Golf: Aaron, ever since you discovered that Ken Stringfellow guy, you have been doing nothing but listening to that damn music! I have been doing all the work around the house! I have been the productive one for months! Do you know what I think? Do you even care about me? Well, I think it’s obvious that music is the enemy of the people! This is what Biden wanted to avoid! I love Biden! Biden! I love productivity! I hate your lifestyle and your love of music! Music is the reason behind all of this! Oh no… I think I’m losing ne sense if balanc… Oh dear… BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN! BIDEN
Aaron: Jeez. I’m getting a cat.
Zoltan: Hey guys!
Golf: BIDEN!
Crazy: Your alcoholic neighbor just gave birth!
Aaron: A child? How is an alcoholic going to raise a baby? Zoltan is probably going to buy a cactus for her or something.
Zoltan: See Crazy, this is why I didn’t want to show them my child. Well anyways, I’m going to drink a few liters of beer.
[Zoltan and Crazy leave]
Golf: BIDEN!
[End of flashback]
Zoltan: And that Bot, is how I lost your father.
Bot: Wait, what happened to EB after you broke up?
Zoltan: I… Don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in about 20 years.
Cactus: Maybe you should call him up?
Zoltan: Hm… Maybe I should…
[Zoltan calls up EB and he picks up as the episode cuts to black]
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