Cult of Christmas

Cult of Christmas is the sixty-third episode of Cult of Squid. It released on December 25th, 2022 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
Krabs goes on a mission undercover in the Snowflakes base that ends in an unexpected way; the Cult tries to celebrate Christmas after years of constant battle.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins in the base, with Security by Noseward’s bed side; Noseward is hooked up to a strange looking device)
Security: Hey, Noseward… I’m not sure if you can hear me, but it’s Christmas time!
Crayons: (Walking in with a sweater and hot chocolate) Security, what are you doing?
Security: Keeping Noseward company. 
Crayons: I keep telling you, you don’t need to do that. The life support device Plankton and I designed guarantees Noseward will be okay and make it out alive.
Security: I don’t care, I got to keep him company.
Crayons: Security, I admire your devotion, but it really isn’t necessary. You’ve been by his side ever since we found him at the Playground.
Security: it may not seem necessary to you, but it damn well seems necessary to me. It’s my duty to make sure one of my fellow cultists makes it out okay!
(Crayons shrugs as he sips his hot chocolate and exits the room; Plankton hops up on his shoulder)
Plankton: Is Security still by Noseward’s side?
Crayons: Yep. (Sips hot chocolate)
Plankton: I worry for him. This obsession can’t be healthy.
Crayons: (Shrugs) Eh, the way I see it, the more we let him keep this up, the happier he’ll be when he eventually sees Noseward awaken.
Plankton: I guess… I guess you’re right.
(Crayons steps into the main room of the base, where the Cult and Feathered Friends are all drinking hot chocolate)
Squidward: Crayons, this may be the best hot chocolate I ever had!
SpongeBob: Sure is! This stuff is delicious!
Crayons: Heh, yeah. No one makes it better than I do. Merry Christmas, fellas!
Squidward: (Glances outside) You know, this is the perfect Christmas setting. I mean… we’re all inside, wearing sweaters and scarves, drinking hot chocolate while it snows outside. (Sips hot chocolate)
Krabs: I just wish we weren’t in the middle of a battle right now. That’d make this even better.
SpongeBob: I wonder what Santa is doing right now?
(The Cult just stare blankly at him)
SpongeBob: What? What’s those stares for?
Squidward: Uh, did… did nobody tell you?
SpongeBob: Tell me… what?
Crayons: We, uh - we killed Santa.
SpongeBob: You… you what?!
Squidward: Yeah, when we took over. God, I remember it like it was yesterday.
(Flashback to the Lodge, which is surrounded by snow, with the text “DECEMBER 25, 2018” at the bottom; Inside the Lodge, there is a huge Christmas tree, and nobody is present; Eventually, Santa walks through the door)
Santa Claus: Hohoho… I got a big lump of coal for those cult [dolphin chirp]s! The biggest lumps of coal I got!
(Santa glances at the giant Christmas tree, and he walks towards it mesmerized)
Santa Claus: Oh… That is the biggest tree I ever saw…
(Out of nowhere, Squidward jumps out of the tree)
Squidward: NOW! ATTACK!
(Hundreds of Cult members surround Santa and begin beating him up as Squidward laughs; when they get off him, Santa is dead on the floor, badly bruised and beaten)
Security: Good work, Brother Squidward!
Squidward: You said it! I’ve had Santa on my hitlist for years, and now we finally got him! (Laughs evilly) Merry Christmas, Cult!
(The Cult all cheer as the screen fades back to present day)
SpongeBob: Wow. That’s… Wow.
Squidward: Yeah, looking back… That was really messed up.
Plankton: But why did you want to kill SANTA?!
Squidward: I don’t even remember. I just… really wanted him dead.
SpongeBob: (Sips hot chocolate) Mmm. This stuff is really good.
Krabs: It is, but we need to stay focused on this whole Snowflake thing. We can't just forget it because it's Christmas!
Squidward: Krabs is right, everyone. Keep your guard up and if you see someone unusual, hold them for questioning. 
SpongeBob: Wait, what if we just send somebody undercover?
Squidward: Yeah, because that went so well with Project Phoenix.
SpongeBob: Well, I’m not saying it went good, I’m just saying that there’s only, like, a few people in the Snowflakes. Project Phoenix was a city wide organization.
Squidward: That’s a good point, SquarePants. 
Krabs: Well… what if I went undercover? I don't think they know I exist, or at the very least, I don't think they know I'm on your side.
Squidward: That isn't a half bad idea. 
Crayons: I believe I have some industrial grade disguises in my bag here. (Pulls out a fake handlebar mustache) This should do nicely.
Krabs: (puts mustache on) call me Señor Cangrejo.
SpongeBob: So what’s your plan then, Krabs?
Krabs: I’m going to march right up to their base of operations and say that I was part of the war against the Cult and I heard about this group up North that wants to destroy them.
Squidward: Well that’s not entirely false. 
Krabs: Well then, I’ll be on my way.
Squidward: Wait, Krabs, are you going to be okay?
Krabs: I’m a pretty strong guy, Squidward. I can handle myself against a few snowflakes.
(Krabs leaves the bunker and the camera fades to black; we see the camera fade back in on Krabs walking up to the Snowflakes’ cabin and knocking on the door; Fate answers)
Fate: Hello? Who are you?
Krabs: Um, I’m Cangrejo. I’m a crab from Bikini Bottom and uh- I heard about your group and wanted to join.
Fate: Well typically we don’t take walk-ins, but times are getting to be quite desperate. I’ll have you go talk to the boss to talk about a potential initiation. 
Krabs: Oh! Thanks!
(As Krabs walks inside, Fate gives him a pat on the back and sticks a blinking red device on Krabs’ shoulder that he doesn’t notice)
Fate: I hope he likes you!
(Fate shuts the door; Krabs walks into the main lodge area and Jerry walks out to greet him)
Jerry: Hello there! You must be the walk-in, right?
Krabs: Yeah, how did you know?
Jerry: Security cameras are a wonderful thing. So what makes you want to become a Snowflake?
Krabs: Well, I hate those Cultists, and I heard that you guys do too.
Jerry: Where did you hear that from?
Krabs: Um well, I heard it from Project Phoenix.
Jerry: Those guys? How did they know?
Krabs: Er-well-um-
Jerry: (Hearty chuckle) suppose they really do have eyes everywhere. Once I’m finished with the Cult, I’d like to go for them next. 
Krabs: What's your association with Project Phoenix?
Jerry: I… don't know. Or, at the very least, if there is a reason, I just don't remember it. I just… I just have this inner urge to take them down. it's… hard to describe. I just… I just want nothing more than President Smolder to be dead.
Krabs: The Cult tried to take down Smolder. He is invincible. 
Jerry: Hmmm… an invincible foe. That complicates matters.
Krabs: Sure does. 
Jerry: You know, Cangrejo…
Krabs: Yes?
Jerry: I like you, kid. I don’t say that about many people, but you have potential. You have muster. I don't think you’ll have any problems fitting in around here.
Krabs: Thank you, Jerry.
Jerry: Fate, give us some hot chocolate.
(Fate hands Krabs and Jerry hot chocolate)
Jerry: Oh! And I almost forgot; it's Christmas! God, since the Cult's takeover, I haven't had any time at all to properly celebrate Christmas. I was always just fearing for my life and never even realized that it was Christmas day. I suppose today is as good of a time as any to celebrate the holiday season! After all, I haven't celebrated Christmas in about 5 years. Snowflakes, feel free to take the whole day off! My treat for this festive day!
Fate: Many thanks, Jerry, but work is important.
Jerry: Don't be such a sourpuss. Enjoy yourself today! This may be your last Christmas alive, you never know.
Fate: (Thinks for a bit) Alright. I suppose some me time would be good. Permission to remove this hood?
Jerry: Permission granted.
(The camera shows us behind Fate's back as he removes his hood, with his head just barely offscreen; Krabs has a visible look of shock)
Krabs: What… but… it's… how are… what the… I thought you…
Blue: Oh, I forgot that Cangrejo here is new. He has never seen Fate without his hood!
Fate: Perhaps I've shown too much. 
(Fate puts his hood back on)
Krabs: So we’re just relaxing today?
Jerry: Yes. Actually, I’ll go make you a jacket.
Krabs: You make jackets?
Jerry: Yes, I stitch them myself. It's the Snowflakes apparel.
(Fade to the cult)
Plankton: (Sigh) You know… I had forgotten what Christmas was like on account of the fact fir 4 years my life has consisted of nothing but fighting and trying not to die.
Squidward: Well, I feel it’s as good of a time as any to celebrate the holidays. I mean, for the first time in what must be several years, we are at peace. Let’s celebrate the holiday!
SpongeBob: How do you recommend we do that?
Squidward: Let’s get each other presents.
Plankton: Now?
Squidward: Sure. I’ll find a tree and put it up in the center of this base! Crayons, come with me, we’ll get Noseward something nice for when he wakes up.
SpongeBob: We need a Christmas dinner too, right?
Plankton: And when is Santa Claus going to come?
Squidward: I don’t know if we’d be on his nice list. Okay you know what, forget the presents. We have everything we need right here! 
SpongeBob: (Sigh) I remember the day I learned what Christmas was. Sandy told me all about the magical holiday. You know, it’s funny - I think the last time I ever saw Sandy alive was when we were fighting Satan. Then she just… she just disappeared.
Squidward: Actually, SpongeBob, that’s a good point. Whatever DID happen to Sandy? She fought valiantly in the battle against Satan, why would she just disappear? Especially after the rise of Phoenix?
(There’s an uncomfortable silence as everyone visibly ponders the question)
Crayons: We can ponder this later. We have a Christmas tree to get! 
Squidward: Oh, you’re right! Crayons, you come with me!
(Squidward and Crayons leave; cut back to the Snowflakes cabin)
Blue: Say, Cangrejo, you do look sort of familiar. Are you sure we haven’t met before?
Krabs: Us? Met? No… I don’t believe so. I would’ve remembered meeting somebody as, uhhhh - good looking as you!
Blue: Well, now I’m flattered. 
Krabs: So do we all stay here all the time?
Blue: No, typically we’ll go back to our homes across the north. 
Krabs: There’s more houses up here?
Jerry: Oh, sure. This is just our base of operations. Those Cult fools have no idea because they haven’t explored the whole mountain, and we’re gonna try and keep it like that.
Krabs: What’s so special about the mountain?
Jerry: I don’t really want to share that with a newcomer this early. But I will say, it holds power beyond what any of us could ever comprehend.
Krabs: Meaning..?
Jerry: You’ll learn in due time, Cangrejo.
Krabs: So what does a typical day look like here?
Jerry: Well we’ll just sort of sit around and theorize for a while and then if the cult does anything, we’ll stop them.
Krabs: Stop them from what?
Jerry: Well it’s clear their only mission is to destroy us, so we have to destroy them first. 
Krabs: So we’re on the defensive?
Jerry: In layman’s terms, yes. We can’t let them use the mountain’s power before us. It belongs to me, after all.
Fate: Just you?
Jerry: Us, it belongs to us.
Krabs: Why can’t you just tell me what it is?
Jerry: Because we don’t entirely know. All we know is that whatever’s underneath here has power beyond mortal comprehension, we’re just looking for a way to use it.
Fate: Whatever’s down there is strong. Jerry thinks he can use it to restore balance to the world, we just need to harness its power.
Krabs: I think I need some more of that hot cocoa.
(Blue grabs Krabs’ mug and goes to get him some more cocoa; cut to Squidward and Crayons looking for a tree)
Crayons: Hey, Squidward, are you sure there’s any trees out here? It’s all ice and mountains.
Squidward: I mean, there’s gotta be, right? Coral trees sorta show up all over the place.
Crayons: (spotting a tree) guess so.
(Crayons and Squidward run up to the tree)
Squidward: This looks like the one for us.
Crayons: Alright, let’s get it.
(Squidward grabs an ax and then Crayons shoots the tree and it shrinks down to pocket size)
Squidward: What was that?
Crayons: Efficient.
Squidward: Suit yourself, I’m not one to pass judgement.
(Crayons and Squidward head back to the base and when they get there they see smoke)
Squidward: What’s going on?! 
(Squidward and Crayons dash in the lodge)
Squidward: WHAT'S HAPPENING?! IS EVERYONE OKAY?! WE SAW SMOKE
SpongeBob: Christmas dinner! That’s what happening!
Squidward: Huh?
SpongeBob: Well, we found a sea bunny outside, and Plankton was able to take it down, so now we have food.
Squidward: Plankton? Of all people, Plankton?
Plankton: Just cus I’m small doesn’t mean I can’t take kill! That sea bunny put up a fight, but it was no match for me!
SpongeBob: Did you get the tree?
Crayons: (throws tree on ground and shoots it, making it grow to full size) yes.
SpongeBob: I got everyone presents!
Squidward: You did? 
SpongeBob: Yep! Well, actually, I just took random objects I found around the cabin and wrapped them up to simulate presents.
Squidward: Eh, it’s the thought that counts. Merry Christmas, everyone! Now, let’s dig in!
(Cut back to the lodge)
Jerry: And then, Fate comes back from the bathroom, robes on fire, and Paige is just crying saying “THE CULT IS BACK!”
Fate: I thought we agreed to never tell that story again.
Jerry: We probably did. I don’t remember. 
Krabs: So do you guys have anything you’d like to do for this Christmas? Any traditions or anything?
Jerry: (Talking like a pirate) Yarrr, traditions, you say? Who be you, anyways?
Krabs: Who am I? I’m Kr- uh, I mean, I’m Cangrejo.
Jerry: Well there Cangrejo, welcome to the Snowflakes. I be Clawbeard! And I’d like to formally welcome you to the Snowflakes!
Krabs: So I’m a member?
Jerry: Well, all we need is for you to say yes.
(Krabs looks around at everyone with a worried look on his face and opens his mouth to speak; cut to Christmas at the cult)
Squidward: Merry Christmas, guys!
(SpongeBob cuts into the sea bunny roast)
SpongeBob: Dinner is served!
Squidward: Looks amazing, Crayons!
SpongeBob: Your gifts are all under the tree. I’m going to take one to Security and Noseward.
(SpongeBob walks into the room and gives Security two gifts; Security is asleep next to Noseward)
SpongeBob: (quietly) Look at him. Fast asleep. I’ll just leave these here.
(SpongeBob sets the presents next to Noseward’s bed; it starts to snow and we see the silhouettes of the cultists exchanging gifts in the window as the camera zooms out and fades to black)
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