Birds of Prey

The nearly endless woods that surrounded the Smash Mansion were unexplored for the most part. Many of the mansion's residents had come to the conclusion that it housed many things that were unquestionably terrifying or evil. Not helping were the dense trees blocking a lot of the sunlight, so it was almost completely dark. With all that going for it, these woods were not a place anyone with a sense of self-preservation would want to be.
Luckily, Falco Lombardi did not have such a complex.
Rustling around the bushes, the Star Fox pilot poked his head out of the foliage, using his eagle-like eyes to scan his surroundings. He must have been a good few miles away from the mansion by now. Where he was right now eluded him, but that didn't matter to him.
What did matter to him was teaching Blathers and Celeste how birds like them operated.
The owl siblings were... not so stealthy in their exploration. Blathers would flinch and gasp whenever a stray noise was heard, holding his breath until the rising fear subsided. And heaven forbid he saw a harmless butterfly flying through the trees. The screech he'd make could wake a whole village! Celeste wasn't much better off. She was much quieter than her brother, though her bright red feathers weren't the best kind of camouflage. They made her stick out like a neon sign in the middle of nowhere, miles away from civilization.
Falco was less than pleased with their lack of enthusiasm.
"C'mon, guys, you're birds of prey!" he urged. "Take a little pride in it. And to think, when my dad took me to show me how the ropes and how to provide for myself, I was ecstatic!"
"I um, don't know if you've noticed Falco," Celeste said. "But neither of us are normal owls."
"Yes yes," Blathers agreed, looking every which way to make sure there were no creepy crawlies sneaking up on him. "We don't have to go out and hunt for food. We have pop tarts. We have food delivery. And, most importantly, we have shelter."
"But that's the fun of roughin' it up," Falco said. "Out in the open, only you and your wits to defend yourself... it's a wild world out there. And it's a playground for us birds."
"Speak for yourself," Blathers sighed, staying as close to Celeste as he possibly could.
"Isn't it about time we head back?" Celeste asked. "We've been away for at least an hour."
Suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes. Falco's instincts kicked in, and his head darted over to noise's direction. He reached for his blaster to pull it out and aim at whatever the intruder was.
And like the dolt he was, he fumbled and dropped his blaster into the mud.
"Oh for cryin' out-" Falco muttered. But before he could even bend down to pick it up, Celeste swooped in and grabbed the blaster, handing it to Falco.
"Be careful with that thing!" Blathers warned. "Don't shoot yourself!"
"I know what a gun does, Blathers," Celeste said.
The bushes shook again. Louder. The trio's attention turned back to it, and a giant web wad was shot at Falco, wrapping him in silk and sticking him to a tree. Before anyone could react, a massive, seemingly mutant spider clawed its way through the bushes. It felt like its territory was being trespassed, and the three birds were right on it.
Blathers had never felt such fear in his life.
"SHOOT IT CELESTE!" he yelled. "SHOOT IT!"
Celeste fumbled the blaster, holding it in all the wrong directions. She knew how to hold a gun, but not how to use a gun.
----
Falco: somoene wanan com ep ick me an thees two up
Twilight Sparkle: What language is that in?
Falco: please
Chrom: Is something wrong, Falco?
Falco: y es
Fox: Oh no, he hasn't made a smartass response in five minutes. Something's definitely wrong.
Falco: thanks enstine
Twilight Sparkle: That spelling physically hurt me to read.
Fox: Falco, where are you?
Falco: somwher btween timbukdto and yer mom's hiuse
Twilight Sparkle: It's continuing to hurt me.
Fox: I mean your coordinates. Where in the world are you!?
Falco: o
Falco: 3000/40/3932
----
Dr. Mario: So... someone want to fill me in on why an unconscious Falco is in my office?
Snake: What happened with Falco?
Fox: The dipshit gave a gun to a fucking child.
Snake: ...OK? Are we suddenly against children with guns? Because if so, I have a lot to answer to.
Blathers: Celeste shot him. In the leg.
Snake: Oh.
Snake: Been there.
Celeste: It was a mistake! This giant spider was attacking us and he trapped Falco! I had to use the gun but couldn't use it properly!
Blathers: It was a mistake, Celeste. Any of us would have made it in your position.
Ridley: I wouldn't.
Fox: Not the time, Ridley.
Ridley: He's just being a baby, honestly. I've lost way more than a leg and lived to tell the tale.
Ridley: Besides, I thought his legs were metal.
Fox: That's actually a misconception. My team's legs aren't amputated.
Fox: Wolf's dumb apocalypse boots, on the other hand, should be amputated.
Ridley: That I can agree with.
Fox: They look like they were bought off of some edgy black market.
Dry Bowser: Contray to popular belief, I don't spend time looking at Wolf's feet.
Fox: Strange.
Dry Bowser: Are you implying you do?
Fox: Huh?
Fox: NO I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!
Fox: I meant to say "strange, I can't believe he hasn't come here and massacred us all yet". That's the kind of bait I expect him to take. Maybe he's smarter than I give him credit for.
Wolf: I JUST READ UP. MY BOOTS ARE NOT EDGY THEYRE TACTICAL.
Fox: Nevermind.
Dry Bowser: What took you so long to respond? You're usually always here complaining about something.
Isabelle: I'm was giving Mr. O'Donnell a manicure!
Fox: That's an image I never expected to see in my head.
Wolf: They're getting too long. I can't tear flesh with claws that are a kilometer long.
King K. Rool: It's a serious issue. Letting your claws grow too long seriously lessens the sharpness and intimidation factor.
King K. Rool: On the bright side, longer nails makes it easier to scratch those annoying spots.
Wolf: Anyways McCloud, I'd like to see you make that comment about my boots in person. I'll have that fur of yours hanging on my wall.
Wolf: Oh, idle threats don't get you blocked anymore? Sweet
Dry Bowser: I'm going to gut you with my bare claws and take out your intestines, and feed it to the Nintendogs.
Ridley: This is some seriously unexplored tech.
King K. Rool: What that is is fucked up, dude.
Dr. Mario: Falco will be just fine. Just a wound that'll heal in a few weeks.
Blathers: What a relief! I don't think I'll be going outside for a long time.
Celeste: Me neither. I just hope Falco isn't upset at me...
Dr. Mario: He's not gonna press charges. It was a mistake, and mistakes happen.
Dr. Mario: He does want his blaster back though.
Celeste: Oh no...
Dr. Mario: You left it back in the forest, didn't you?