Windows Cocaine Edition

= Windows Cocaine Edition =
This page contains material that is kept because it is considered humorous.
Such material is not meant to be taken seriously.
== Windows Cocaine Edition ==
=== Created by ===
Microsoft
=== Developer ===
Billiam Gate III
=== OS family ===
Windows
=== Update method ===
Through the nose
=== State ===
Lost
=== Codename ===
Benzoylmethylecgonine
=== Final name ===
Microsoft Windows Cocaine Edition
=== Succeeded by ===
Ballmer OS/4 Snort
Microsoft Windows Cocaine Edition, informally known as Windows Coke, was an internal experimental kernel and userspace for hardware accelerated cocaine processing and consumption.
== Contents ==
* 1History
* 2Features
** 2.1Increased cocaine throughput
** 2.2Heightened user interface awareness
** 2.3Low addiction
** 2.4Built in games
== History ==
In the late 1980's, after taking inspiration from Edward R. McCracken, Microsoft blazed headfirst into the fine powdered dynasty. It was the height of a brand new trend for C suite executives of fortune 500 businesses. Billiam Gate III, not one to let down his colleagues, pondered several of the multitudinous methods of cocaine hardware acceleration. After returning from his service in the Gulf War, Billiam showcased his prototype. It required an Inteeel x85 co-processor (cocaine processor) which, prior to Cocaine Edition, had poor adoption due to the difficult interface. Billiam, noticing the shortcomings of the x85 CICO (cash in, cocaine out), opted to exploit an undocumented instruction that reversed the pipeline.
Cocaine Edition was met with critical praise among beta testers. Worldwide success was inevitable, as the revolutionary cocaine interface paired with the extreme throughput of 80hs (huffs per second) made Cocaine Edition a truly unfathomable leap in user interface and performance.
As all good things, the end came. It was swift, merciless, and without warning. On the night of Decembruary 35, 1987, Billiam made the unfortunate choice of switching from CVS to GIT version control. All was lost after executing: git stash
These words mean nothing serious on their own, but Billiam mistook "stash" for "push", the command for writing changes to a remote repository with the command for filing away changes locally. This on its own is harmless and easily recoverable, but Billiam was running Linux with Btrfs and tried saving anything to his hard drive. Btrfs, notoriously known for being better, came to the conclusion that his files were simply meaningless and decided to throw them away and kernel panic.
The untimely demise of Cocaine Edition weighs heavy for all who watched with bated breaths for new era of computing. Ripped away from the world in which it would have brought joy and jubilation. Casting a sorrow so deep, so vacuous, that no amount of cocaine would ever repair.
== Features ==
=== Increased cocaine throughput ===
The 35 stage pipeline of the inteeel x85 cocaine processor meant that, with Cocaine Edition's tuned scheduler, one huff of cocaine could be delivered to the user every clock cycle on average with at worst 12ms of delay.
=== Heightened user interface awareness ===
Any user who partakes in Cocaine Edition experiences greater control over the operating system user interface. Every widget was thoroughly tested with a $3m research budget.
=== Low addiction ===
Cocaine Edition ensures that only the largest benefits of cocaine are preserved and the side effects are minimized. Research indicated that only 40% of beta testers reported addiction, and only 28% experienced any negative side effects such as death.
=== Built in games ===
The bundled games include:
* Snort Snort
* Boof City
* Super Addiction '86
* Powdery Paradise 3