Eight Crazy Nights/Transcript

[Instrumental. A snowy sky. Night. The opening titles play shortly and the screen pans down to the town of Dukesberry, where a factory and a bridge are seen. Shots of the town are shown as the narrator speaks (voiced by Rob Schnieder)]
Narrator: {Shot of a neighborhood} Well, all right. Look at all that beautiful, white stuff come down. {Shot of giant ice menorah and Santa sculptures being worked on behind the banquet hall} Christmas is right around the corner and Chanukah starts tonight. {Shot of someone lighting a menorah on the first candle} Ain’t a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, {shot of two people driving happily in a car, up to the necks in presents} and people give you stuff. Just makes you feel tingly all over. (laughs) {Shot of the town church} But you know what? There are some buffoons out there who actually can’t stand the holiday season. {Shots of a fire station and a nativity scene} And seeing other people enjoy the festivities gets them even more disgusted. {Shot of Dukesberry’s entrance} As a matter of fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug lives right here in little old Dukesberry. {Shot of the China Dragon} lives right here in little old Dukesberry. His name’s Davey Stone. And that fool is sittin’ in the China Dragon coming up with his own way of feeling tingly all over.
[Inside the China Dragon. Davey Stone is sitting in a booth, slurping up another Scorpion bowl. The China Dragon Waiter comes over to hand Davey the bill]
Davey: Hmm?
China Dragon Waiter: Four scorpion bowl in five minute? That’s got to be a restaurant record.
Davey: (drunk) Well, right now I’m going to go for another restaurant record: longest burp.
[Davey burps a huge burp, breaking the glasses on a group across the restaurant, even disgusting a homeless man outside]
China Dragon Waiter: Congratulations. Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.
[Davey looks at the bill as a kid from the booth next to his peers]
Narrator: At one time, Davey was a super student, super athlete {Davey rips the bill up and heads out} super sweet, super kid and the apple of his parents’ eye.
[Outside. Night. Davey bumps into a woman]
Narrator: Now, he’s just a 33-year-old crazy Jewish guy {Davey heads drunkenly towards his car, making another car almost swerve} who lives for making this town as miserable as he is {Two policemen look at Davey, and then look at each other} especially on the first night of Chanukah. {The policemen drive off} How’d he end up this way? Let’s save that for later {Davey grabs his keys and tries to insert them into his car} because right now, Davey’s about to get himself into some serious trouble.
[Davey’s car door lock is seen, with key marks all around it, signifying that he’s done this thing before. He tries to put the key in, but he’s too drunk to balance himself right to do it. The two policemen drive up behind Davey]
Policeman #1: Hope you’re not planning on driving tonight, Stone.
Davey: Oh, no officer. I’m just going to say good night to my car then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. (to his car) Listen, sweetheart. (pats the car) I have to leave you here alone tonight, but don’t you worry, I’ll be back first thing in the morning. Now behave yourself, and don’t stay up too late. Heh. Nighty-night. (he walks off, and turns off the car, which beeps, in which makes him look back at the car) All right, baby, but let’s make this quick. {The policemen look at Davey strangely} Oh, mama! (lies face down on the back of the car) You like it when I hold you like this? (rubs against the car) Because I’ll do it all night long. (licks the car) Soooo sweet. (licks the car again) Yes, so precious. (slaps and bangs on the car’s rear) Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! I love you car!
[Police man #1 is disgusted by this, while Policeman #2 has tears in his eyes. Suddenly, CDW (China Dragon Waiter) is yelling and standing in front the China Dragon, catching the police’s attention]
CDW: He dine and dash me! He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me!
Policeman #1: What?
CDW: He no pay for his four scorpion bowl!
Davey: Oh, boy.
[Tecnho rock music begins as the police start to chase Davey, who runs off]
Policeman #2: Get him!
[Davey runs off to an alley, where a man is putting away his trash. Davey steals the lid and begins to ride it]
Davey: Whee-hee-hee-hee!
Man #1: Come back here, you jerk!
[The music changes into that of “Davey’s Song”, the first musical number. Davey whisks across a street, and two police cars slide next to each other trying to capture him]
Policeman #2: Somebody stop that guy!
Davey: (sings) I’m a kinda guy who can’t stand a holiday (grabs a light strand and swings from it) So I drink ‘em all away, that’s me. (ties the strand around people carrying a tree) I don’t decorate no trees and I won’t eat no potato latkes (knocks a bowl of latkes out of a man’s hands) But I’ll give this old lady’s melons a squeeze. (squeezes a lady’s melons she’s carrying)
Old Lady: Hey!
Davey: (sings) That’s just who I am. Well, I’ll never spin a dreidel, but I’ll always throw an egg. (ruins a dreidel game) And I’ll charley horse your leg for laughs (hits a guy with an egg and hits the man’s leg) While you’re singing your holiday tunes (approaches some carolers) I’m acting like the town buffoon whippin’ out my big, white, scary moon (moons the carolers)
Carolers: Aaah!
Davey: (sings) And blowin’ a beef your way. (lets out a huge fart on the carolers) I hate folks who think reindeer are cute. To me they’re just something to shoot. (shoots some deer with snowballs) I hate love, I hate you, I hate me. Well, I’m a snowmobile stealing (slides into a garage and steals a snowmobile) ‘No “’tis-the-season-feelin’” kind of guy. (kind of guy) (speeds from the police) This time of year sucks so I take my numchucks and make sure every snowman di-i-ies! (knocks down all the snowmen) Believin’ in Santa’s all wrong (rips off the beard off a Santa)
Santa Impersonator: Ho!
Davey: (sings) And Chanukah’s eight nights too long (rams into the giant ice Santa, crushing into the menorah, ruining both statues) I hate love, I hate you, I hate me
Policeman #1: Coming through.
Davey: (sings) I hate love, I hate you, I hate me.
[The police arrive and arrest Davey. Out of the crowd mad at Davey, Jennifer and Benjamin scowl at him, two characters who are introduced later on]
Policeman #2: Davey Stone, you’re nothing but a delinquent!
[Outside the courthouse. Day. The judge pounds his gavel]
Judge: (offscreen) Stone, what the heck are we going to do with you?
[Inside the courthouse. Davey’s trial is going on]
Judge: In the past twenty years, I’ve sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward. Not one of those places has made you change an ounce for the better. ‘Cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center, with the best jump shot this town’s ever seen.
Davey: (opening a flask) Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. (he takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far; the people viewing just shake their heads} I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop mypants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
[The people viewing show their disgust]
Judge: Stone, you leave me no choice. I’m gonna really have to crack down hard this time.
Whitey: (chiming in, with his forehead seen a little in the seating area) Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to interject for a moment.
CDW: What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?
[The people all laugh while Whitey shows himself by stepping out into the aisle]
Whitey: No, Mr. Chang.
{NOTE: I’ll still refer him as the China Dragon Waiter since
that’s what the credits say}
It’s me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Chanukah to you.
CDW: I’m not Jewish.
Whitey: Neither am I, but that don’t stop me from enjoying a holiday. (giggles)
Judge: (exasperated) Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It’s your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You’re turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won’t cover you anymore.
Whitey: Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under
adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still
intact.
Judge: Whitey, what are you getting at?
Whitey: Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball? I’ve seen some pretty rowdy kids turn into perfect gentlemen after spending time on my court.
Judge: If that happened with Stone, it would be a miracle.
Whitey: Well, it is the holidays and those kinda things have been known to happen this time of year.
[The crowd whispers]
Judge: Whitey, if you want to work with this punk, then God bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes. And if I hear that you break one law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than 10 years.
Davey: Huh?
Judge: Happy holidays.
[The judge pounds his gavel, adjourning the trial. Whitey looks promising at Davey]
Davey: Oh, God.
[Outside the Jewish Community Center. Night. Cars arrive to watch the youth league basketball game]
Narrator: The short man who’s kind and the donkey’s behind. What a bizarre matchup.
Good luck, Whitey. You’re gonna need it.
[The locker room. Whitey puts on his referee uniform]
Whitey: Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo. Okay, let’s give the little guy some support.
[Davey comes over to see a disgusting sight: Whitey’s butt cheeks are covered with white, furry hair as Whitey puts a jock strap on]
Davey: Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I’m gonna (burping) barf.
Whitey: Your horn works, try the lights. (giggles)
Davey: Okay.
Whitey: (stretching) One. Two.
Davey: Good to see you still got those circus feet.
Whitey: Men’s 11 right foot, children’s 9 left foot. (does a jig) At your service.
Davey: (slurring) Yuck.
Whitey: Now, I assume you’ve done your pre-game stretching.
Davey: No, let me do it right now. (puts both hands up to Whitey in a fist, and flips his middle finger on both) One. Two. Three. {Shot of Whitey, nodding} Four. Five. Six.
Whitey: Okay. That’s good, but don’t forget your hammies.
[The basketball court. The game is just about to begin]
Narrator: Of course Whitey wouldn’t understand what getting flipped off means.
{Whitey walks out onto the floor} 
Narrator: He’s so behind the times, he thinks Viagra’s a big waterfall. (laughs) 
{A basketball goes under the 35th Annual All-Star Patch voting box. Whitey picks it up and sees his reflection through the sign} 
Narrator: But there is one thing he knows. The voting has begun for the highest honor anyone in town could receive.
Whitey: I think it’s gonna be your year, Whitey, I really do. (sees Davey walking out) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t even think of coming on this floor with those hard soles, pally.
Davey: Fine, I’ll just ref in my socks. (knocks his shoes into the air, the first one knocking a hanging light out, the second one knocking one of the judge’s head into the buzzer button, sounding the buzzer) Must be game time.
Whitey: Don’t let him push your buttons, Whitey.
[Whitey blows his whistle, starting the game]
[A little later. The basketball game is well into. Davey watches as the team runs to one side of the court, Whitey panting and trying to catch up. A shot is missed. The team runs to the other side, Whitey panting and trying to catch up again. Another shot is missed. Same thing happens yet again. Another shot missed, as one kid passes it to a fat kid]
Kid #1: What are you waiting for?
Kid #2: Come on. Dribble! Hurry up!
[The fat kid tries to run and dribble, but trips over. Whitey rushes to Davey]
Whitey: What, no whistle on that one, ref?
Davey: Okay. (he blows the whistle and goes over to the fat kid) Foul on this kid for eating everything in sight.
Fat Kid: Huh?
Davey: Jelly jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?
[The fat kid cries while Whitey tries to comfort him]
Whitey: He was just kidding, son. You’ve got very nice boobs.
[The fat kid just runs off crying more]
Person #1: Jerk!
Person #2: Idiot!
Audience: Boo!
Davey: (to basketball audience) Oh, you don’t like that? How about you throw something at me. I dare you.
Person #3: With pleasure!
[The crowd throws items on the court, making the floor dirty]
Whitey: They’re scratching up my floor. Here comes a seizure. (falls on the floor and begins having a seizure) This will pass in a second, kids. Don’t be scared.
Kid #3: Is he break dancing?
Davey: (blows his whistle) Okay, that’s it. Game over. Nobody wants to see an old man die. Fatty’s team loses because I want to see him cry again.
[The fat kid, now in his parents’ arms, continues to bawl]
Whitey: I want to talk to you in my office.
[By office, Whitey means the Dukesberry Mall. Night. Whitey and Davey enter the mall, filled with Christmas decorations]
Davey: Why the hell are we at the mall?
Whitey: ‘Cause you need to clean your brain out, pal. And to me, the mall is the best place to do that.
Davey: So, what’s good about this place?
Whitey: What’s good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? (pointing) My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick/clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack, Petland for a cat or two, Spencer’s Gifts for some fake dog doo, Sbarro’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, they’re simply the best. And don’t forget the orange chicken at Panda Express. (at See’s Candies) But if you’re short of cash like little old me, the window shopping’s always free.
Davey: Is that something you prepared or did you rhyme that many times in a row by accident?
Whitey: Yeah, that was weird, wasn’t it?
Davey: Maybe you are a leprechaun.
[Victoria’s Secret. Davey and Whitey are seen walking to the food court from the entrance]
Whitey: Let’s just get some snacks and chat. Okay?
[The dressing rooms. A woman opens the door to see, who else, but the fat kid trying on bras]
Fat Kid: Huh?
Woman: Aren’t you a boy?
[He runs off crying]
[The food court, Whitey picks up some food]
Whitey: Now I’d like to make this work out. But in order to do so, you’re going to have to learn (shot of Jennifer and Benjamin from outside the banquet hall are seen working at Dunkin’ Donuts. Benjamin points to Whitey) that youth league basketball ain’t about you and your lack of respect for others. {They sit down at a table overlooking the entire mall} It’s about the kids and teaching them responsibility and teamwork. I’ve been doing my part for 35 years. Are you ready to join me, big guy? {Davey grabs the box of fries and dumps it on the table, spelling out “BITE ME”} (smug) Joke’s one you, tough guy. I can’t read.
[Jennifer and Benjamin (with a Game Boy Advance in his hands) walk over to Whitey with a bag]
Jennifer: Special delivery for Whitey Duvall, sugar-free donuts.
Whitey: (grabbing the bag) Every day she does this for me! Jennifer, you’re too much. (to Davey) My fraternal twin sister’s a diabetic and out of respect for her and her disease, I don’t eat sugar products.
Jennifer: There’s a surprise in there. I think you’re gonna like it.
Whitey: (opening the bag and feeling through) Don’t tell me it’s Bavarian cream-filled. (grabs a donut and eats it; joyous) It is Bavarian cream-filled! (standing on his chair and dancing) Hubba-bubba! These babies make my taste buds do double daffies, for gosh sakes! {Jennifer looks at Davey for second, who scowls at her} (to Benjamin) Hey, what are you doing hiding over there?
Jennifer: (pushing Benjamin over to Whitey) It’s okay, sweetheart. Come talk to Whitey.
Benjamin: Hi, Whitey. (pointing out his Game Boy) I got another Chanukah present tonight.
Whitey: Wow, Benjamin, an Etch-A-Sketch. Not too shabby.
Davey: That’s a Game Boy, you idiot.
Whitey: Oh, sorry, I’m not up on modern technology. But I guess my friend Davey is. (to Benjamin) Why don’t you tell him what else you got.
Benjamin: First night, I got a basketball and some dreidels. Then, night two I got a pup tent so I can camp in the backyard. And tonight, I got this.
Davey: Wow. Maybe on night four the Chanukah monster will take a big crap on your bed.
Jennifer: Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit, psycho. Come on Benjamin, help me clean the muffin trays. Bye, Whitey.
Benjamin: See you at the game tomorrow.
Davey: (looking at Jennifer’s behind) I’ll tell ya, your girlfriend’s backyard isn’t sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.
Whitey: (angry, interjecting Davey’s point-of-view) Technical foul! Technical foul! That’s a lady, and you will not speak about her in that way!
Davey: (easing Whitey) Easy.
Whitey: She happens to be going through a tough time now. Last spring, her husband of thirteen years ups and leaves her for some woman he met on the computer. She had the courage to move back to town a month ago to try and raise her boy on her own.
Davey: So she’s available?
Whitey: Oh, you wish, mac. You blew your shot with her twenty years ago.
Davey: Twenty years? (in realization) Was that Jennifer Friedman?
Whitey: I’m surprised you have enough brain cells left to remember.
[Flashback to 1981. The Jewish Community Center basketball court. A twelve-year-old Jennifer passes the ball to a twelve-year-old Davey]
Davey: Hey, Jennifer, you still coming over to watch “Dukes of Hazzard” after the game?
Jennifer: That’s a big 10-4, Davey.
Mr. Stone: Hey, Davey. {pan over to Davey’s parents, wanting to take a picture} Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.
[Davey smiles for the camera while Jennifer smirks while gleaming at him, the picture is taken]
Mrs. Stone: Thanks, honey.
Davey: If my parents fall asleep early, I’ll show you my basement.
Jennifer: Keep dreaming.
[Cut to a 50 year-old Whitey, combing his...afro?]
Whitey: Ah, they make a nice couple boogie-oogie-oogies.
[Back to present day. Davey and Whitey walk over to the mayor (voiced by Kevin Nealon) on the mall’s first floor]
Davey: (to Whitey) I don’t know when you were goofier, then or now.
Whitey: Good evening, Mayor Stuey Duhy. Out for some late-night shopping?
Mayor: Yeah. Then I have to figure out how to rebuild our giant menorah and Santa. Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again, Stone.
Davey: I didn't do it for you. I did it for the ladies. (makes a move towards some ladies walking by)
Women: Yeah, right.
Whitey: Has there been talk about who the lucky patch recipient may be this year or?
Mayor Dewey: That's up to who the town votes for. Could be you or me or anybody. All right, I'm going to get going now.
Whitey: Happy holidays, your excellence.
Davey: (sarcastically) Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.
[The mayor sulks in front of the old lady from “Davey’s Song”. He tries to explain, but she interrupts.]
Old Lady: You're gross.
Mayor Dewey: Ohhh...
[Davey and Whitey walk out of the mall.]
Whitey: (dreamy) Is it just me, or did you notice when he said, "it could be you"... There was a certain sincerity in his voice, or?
Davey: You actually give a crap about winning a patch?
Whitey: It's only the most prestigious award given out at the all-star banquet. Can you imagine?
[Jennifer walks away with Benjamin. Cut to Whitey, still knocked out and feeling his butt.]
Whitey: My finger's in your mouth, kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.
Jennifer: Let's go, Benjamin.
[Basketball Guy #1 is facing the horror of eating the Sweaty Fat Man’s jockstrap, who overlooks.]
Sweaty Fat Man: Why are you eating that?
Benjamin: (puts his shirt on; to Davey) You know, my mother doesn't like you very much.
Davey: You know, I don't like me very much either. Nice playing with you, mini-Shaq. 
[Jennifer looks at Davey, who sighs at her. Outside, night. Jennifer and Davey (with Whitey knocked out next to him) drive home. This begins the spoken prelude of the song “Long Ago”]
Davey: Why was she looking at me like that?
Jennifer: How could they let that guy work with kids?
Davey: Giving me those nasty eyes. I was being nice to her kid.
Jennifer: They should have locked him up for good.
Davey: At least she was looking at me. That felt all right.
Jennifer: Why can't he just be like he used to be?
Davey: (sings) It all seems so long ago.
Jennifer: (sings) Young and happy, don't you know? 
Davey: (sings) Down by the creek, I would show fireflies to that girl. 
Jennifer: (sings) But that was back when he was nice.
Davey: (sings) Before my warm heart turned to ice. 
Whitey: (sings) My sister's wig once had lice.
Jennifer: (sings) But that was long ago.
Davey: (sings) The schoolyard's where we were the first time I kissed her.
Jennifer: (sings) He thought he got some tongue.
Davey: (sings) But it was only retainer.
Whitey: (sings) Eleanor's bra is a trainer.
Davey: (sings) Well, over there's my family home.
Jennifer: (sings) And the woods we used to roam. 
Whitey: (sings) The only time I had sex was on the phone.
Phone Sex Lady: (sings) But that was long ago.
Davey: (sings) I carved our names upon that tree.
Jennifer: (sings) I loved him and he loved me.
Mayor Dewey: (sings) My darling wife was once a he. 
Mayor’s Wife: (sings) But that was long ago. 
Jennifer: (sings) He'd always whisper in my ear.
Davey: (sings) But then I started drinking beer.
Whitey: (sings) My jewels got licked by six frisky deer.
Jennifer: (sings) Now he's just a loner and a liar. 
Davey: (sings) And my trailer's caught on fire. (realizes) FIRE?!
[Davey’s trailer is set on fire by no one else but Basketball Guy #1, still the jockstrap in his mouth, who runs away.]
Davey: Oh, my God!
Whitey: (waking up, shouting) Be careful!
[Davey runs in and rescues only his card from his parents. He runs back out to see Whitey standing out of the car, looking on the disaster. Davey wipes the card of the ash on it.]
Whitey: Maybe it's some kind of sign. After all, Hanukkah is the festival of lights.
Davey: I should stick you on a twig and roast you.
Whitey: Just get back in my car. You'll stay with me and my sister for a while.
Davey: I ain't living with you buffoons.
Whitey: What other options do you got, Mr. Rockefeller?
[Later at Whitey’s house, the phone rings and Eleanore answers it.] 
Eleanore: (on phone) Hello?
Mischievous Kid: (on phone) Hi, is Ophelia there?
Eleanore: (on phone) Ophelia who? 
Mischievous Kid: (on phone) Ophelia hiney.
Eleanore: (on phone) Oh, feel my hiney? (hears the kids laughing) You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you!
[She hangs up and the door opens to let in Whitey and Davey.]
Eleanore: It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!
Whitey: It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay.
Eleanore: Whitey, thank God you're here. We're being robbed by a lunatic. (to Davey) Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet.
Davey: Hmm.
Whitey: Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.
Eleanore: The criminal?! Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?
Davey: Hmm?
Whitey: His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.
Eleanore: Okay, but I'm making an inventory of every single item in this house.
Davey: Fascinating.
Eleanore: Look! He already stole something. He's hiding it in his jacket.
Davey: I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.
Eleanore: So why don't you go stay with them?
Davey: They died.
Eleanore: My bad.
Davey: (pulls out a can of beer) Here's to you guys for letting me crash over. (opens it)
Eleanore: Alcohol in our house?! This is never going to work.
Whitey: It will. We just need to set some rules so Davey knows how we do things here.
Eleanore: I'm scared.
Whitey: (to Davey) Look, you gotta understand. It's just been me and Eleanore for 67 years so she gets nervous around strangers.
Davey: (refers to their baby pictures) I wouldn't show that picture to anyone or they might try to take you two guys back to the laboratory.
Whitey: Listen, we got rules in this house, and you better follow them or you'll find yourself outta here. This might be harder than I thought. (sings) If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet, that's a technical foul. If you switch the radio to some modern music show, that's a technical foul. If you don't shut the door after using the 'frigerator, that's a technical foul. A technical foul. If you touch the thermostat…
Eleanore: (sings) You'll get hit with a bat.
Whitey: (sings) ‘Cause that's a technical foul
Eleanore: (sings) You will feel my wrath!
Whitey: (sings) If your hair clogs the drain...
Eleanore: (sings) You'll know the meaning of pain.
Whitey: (sings) ‘Cause that's a technical foul.
Eleanore: (sings) I'll show you no mercy.
Davey: (sings) Oh, this is such bullshit-a. 
Eleanor: (sings) Hey!
Whitey: (sings) In this house we say bullspit or it's a technical foul.
Whitey and Eleanore: (singing) A technical foul.
Davey: Let me get this straight. You expect me to change my entire lifestyle in one night because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks? 
Whitey: You got it, bub
Eleanore: Or you can go rot in the gutter, it's up to you, Yankee Doodle.
Davey: Well, I don't wanna do that but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. (sings) If I don't spray Lysol after moving a bowel…
Whitey: (sings) That's a technical foul.
Davey: (sings) Okay, if I decide to wash my ass with your monogram towel…
Whitey: (sings) That's a technical foul.
Eleanor: (sings) Please say hiney.
Davey: (sings) If I make fun of your crazy feeties or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes..
Whitey: (sings) That's not only a technical foul, but possibly a homicide.
Davey: (sings) Can I sleep past three?
Whitey: (sings) If you do, you'll get a T.
Davey: (sings) Take a whiz in those flowers?
Whitey: (sings) I'll say hit the showers.
Davey: (sings) Use this horn as a bong?
Whitey: (sings) Adios, Tommy Chong.
Davey: (sings) Make some long distance calls? 
Eleanore: (sings) You'll get a kick in the balls, oops.
Davey: (sings) Can I walk around with my morning erection?
Whitey: (sings) If you want an automatic ejection 'cause that's a technical foul.
Eleanore: (sings) But I'd like to see it anyway. Just kidding.
Whitey: (sings) There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister, friends, or imaginary wife. 
Davey: (sings) I can't believe I haven't killed myself.
Whitey: (sings) Respect carries over beyond the court.
Davey: (sings) Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf.
Whitey: (sings) Whether you're Jewish, Diabetic or especially short.
Eleanore: (sings) They took my wig.
Davey: (sings) She's neurotic and he's a tool.
Whitey: (sings) My feet are strange and my groin is hairy.
Davey: (sings) How did I get stuck in this shit hole? 
Eleanore: (sings) I remember the look in their eyes.
Whitey: (sings) My imaginary wife likes to be called "Mary."
Davey: (sings) Guess I'll have to deal with your demands.
Eleanore: (sings) Why, oh why?
Davey: (sings) But please don't touch me with your alien hands.
Eleanore: (sings) Won't someone retrieve my wig, wig, wig? 
Davey: (sings) I got no right to growl.
Whitey: (sings) The whistle, she's on the prowl.
Eleanore: (sings) Without my wig, I look like an owl, hoo hoo.
Davey: (sings) Oh my God!
Whitey: (sings) Don't laugh at her or it's a technical foul.
Davey and Whitey: (singing) A technical foul. A technical foul.
[Soon, the three sit down with their feet in buckets of warm water.] 
Narrator: Davey will have to make the best of this.
Davey: I guess I got to make the best of this. 
Narrator: See. I told you. But that shouldn't be too hard for him. Even loners need company sometimes.
[The next morning, Davey brushes his teeth while Whitey shaves his hairy chest and Eleanore shaves her unibrow.]
Whitey: Shaving the chest.
Eleanore: Nobody needs a uni-brow. 
 
Narrator: Well, while Whitey and Eleanor are getting ready for the banquet, the moron is having a party of his own. 
[Davey staggers around drunkenly until he comes across the mall.]
Narrator: And when people get in the state that Davey's in, they do really stupid things… Like go to a mall that's obviously closed… To yell at a woman who's obviously not there.
[Davey breaks in, sounding off the alarm.]
Davey: Shut up! (throws his drink at the bell) JENNIFER! JENNIFER! What's the matter with the way I live my life?! Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! At home, reading your baby boy a bedtime story, while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AW, HORSESHIT!!
???: (offscreen) Look who finally showed up. We've been waiting for you all night.
Davey: Who said that?
[Suddenly, the Foot Locker referee comes to life.]
Foot Locker Referee: I said that. Everybody wake up! This is not a rehearsal. Numb-nuts is here.
[The other mascots in the stores come to life.]
Radio Shack Walkie-Talkie: Roger on that. Over.
Sharper Image Chair: Let's do this, people.
See’s Candies Lady: Just let me put my teeth in. (puts on her dentures) 
[A living Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf cup approaches Davey.]
Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Cup: How do you like your java?
Davey: With a shit of whiskey.
Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Cup: Let's try it black instead. (blows coffee at Davey)
Davey: That burns!
Panda Express Panda: Wake up, kids. Our hot and sour friend is here.
KB Toys Soldiers: We're coming!
Victoria’s Secret Gown: It's about time you got here. I've been tossing and turning.
GNC Bottle: I know. I was watching you. I mean, me too.
Davey: What the heck is happening right now?
Foot Locker Referee: Something that should have happened 20 years ago.
Radio Shack Walkie-Talkie: Time to cry, Davey. Over.
Davey: What? Get out of here. I'm leaving.
GNC Bottle: You can run from Whitey, but you ain't gonna run from us.
[He sits Davey down on the Sharper Image chair.]
Foot Locker Referee: (sings) We all heard what happened at the skating rink today. When Whitey brought up your sad past, you snapped and walked away. Well, maybe they're onto something that you should give a try. Go ahead and let it out and have yourself a cry.
KB Toys Soldiers: (singing) Let it out, Davey!
Davey: (sings) Aw, shut your wooden mugs!
Victoria’s Secret Gown: (sings) Let it out, Davey!
GNC bottle: (sings) Would you check out her bazugs!
Davey: (sings) You want me to deal with pain? Well, cheers is what I say!
GNC bottle: (sings) This here stuff just numbs the pain. It don't make it go away.
See’s Candies Lady: (sings) You try to act so tough.
Foot Locker Referee: (sings) But you just live a liiiie!
Victoria’s Secret Gown: (sings) Why don't you show your feminine side and have yourself a cry? (GNC bottle howls)
Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Cup: (sings) Let it out, Davey!
Davey: (sings) I'll pour you down the sink!
Sharper Image Chair: (sings) You gotta do it, Davey!
Davey: (sings) Y'all can bite my dink! You labels and logos are wasting your time, makin' me sit here, 'cause nothing you can say or do will make me shed a tear.
Panda Express Panda: (sings) He possesses a strong spirit, and won't let down his guard.
Foot Locker Referee: (sings) So now we'll bring in the big gun, his beautiful Chanukah card.
[An envelope floats down from above.]
Radio Shack Walkie-Talkie: Take it, Davey. It might have money in it, over.
[It lets out a Chanukah card that opens up to show pictures of his past and a message.]
Davey's Dad: (sings) Happy Chanukah, to our wonderful son.
Davey's Mom: (sings) You fill our lives with joy.
[The living mascots fade away.]
Davey’s Parents: (singing) Don't ever change the way you are, you beautiful, 12-year-old boy.
[The song ends and a guilt-ridden Davey sheds tears. Then, two cops approach Davey.]
Policeman #1: Breaking and entering. I knew you'd screw up eventually, Stone.
Davey: (guilt ridden) I'm sorry. 
Policeman #2: Save your sorries for the judge.
[They prepare to handcuff him, but Davey evades them and handcuffs them before running off, leaving them in a rather suggestive pose.]
Policeman #1: (groans) This is embarrassing.
[Outside the banquet hall. The music for the song “Technical Foul” plays in the background. The deer notice Davey walking up]
Davey: I’m just here to say I’m sorry to the little guy. I swear.
{The deer think otherwise}
Davey: If I give myself a wedgie, will you believe me then?
{The deer contemplate, then agree} 
Davey: (gives himself such a wedgie that the underwear rips right off and knocks him down) Okay? 
{The deer nod} 
Davey: (walks to the window) Glad we could work that out.
[Inside the banquet hall]
Eleanore: I can’t believe I’m in the same room as the mayor.
Whitey: I can’t believe how many rolls you put in your purse.
[Eleanore pulls out her purse, filled to the brim with rolls]
Eleanore: It’ll be a nice snack for February.
[The kids snicker]
Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, this next award, the Dukesberry All-Star Patch was created 35 years ago to recognize people for their tireless work ethic, their unparalleled generosity and their passion and dedication to both the league and to our fine community.
Eleanore: (to Whitey) Your hands are sopping wet. Don’t be so nervous, Whitey.
Whitey: I’m not nervous. I’m excited. I’ve been waiting 35 years for this night.
[Outside the banquet hall. The deer notice the police walking up. They contemplate what to do. Policeman #3 walks up to see the deer doing a pyramid]
Policeman #4: You see something?
Policeman #3: Just some deer doing a pyramid.
Policeman #4: Okay, well, let’s keep looking.
[The deer collapse and walk back up to the window]
Davey: Good job, fellas.
[Inside the banquet hall. The mayor holds up the patch]
Mayor: Hand-picked by you, the people of our fine town {Whitey looks at it in hope} I now present the 35th annual Dukesberry All-Star Patch Award to... (rips the envelope and pulls out the slip)
Davey: (looking from the window with the deer) Please let there be a miracle.
[Jennifer and Benjamin both cross their fingers. Whitey stands up, as if he knows it’s him]
Mayor: ...Tom Baltezor! {Whitey is crushed} Tom, come up here and get this sucker!
[Tom Baltezor stands up (basically an animated Jon Lovitz, who also voices him), while
Whitey is still trying to contemplate what is going on. Benjamin sadly looks down]
Man: Attaboy, Tommy!
[Davey tears up lowering his head as well. Whitey and Eleanore sadly gather up their things. Whitey claps a few times and enters out as the scene turns into slow-motion]
Davey: (in Whitey’s mind as Whitey tears up) Nobody in this town even knows you exist!
[Whitey exits while Eleanore steps in one more time]
Eleanore: All of people can bite my germ-free booty!
Townspeople: Huh?
[Outside the banquet hall. Davey finishes crying]
Davey: Looks like I better do a lot more than just apologize. See you in ten years, fellas.
[Davey walks up to the double doors]
[Inside the banquet hall, Tom is at the podium]
Tom: When I was a kid playing youth league ball for Palmer Episcopal, I dreamed of two things: Learning to make a lay-up with my left hand and becoming a multi-billionaire. I think you all know which dream came true.
[Tom pulls out a hook in place for his left hand, which shocks the CDW]
CDW: WOW! Sorry! That one caught me by surprise.
Tom: And even though I don’t recall scoring a point during my four seasons of play (laughs with the townspeople) {Davey enters the banquet hall} the memories of the fun times I did have made it very easy for me to purchase the new digital scoreboard for the community center earlier this year. Thanks for the recognition.
[The crowd cheers]
Man: Thanks for the scoreboard!
Woman: Thank you, Tommy!
[Davey stands on a chair and addresses to the people]
Davey: Excuse me! Can I just say something?
Policeman #1: (pointing) There he is!
Mayor: Stone, what are you doing here?
Policeman #1: (handcuffing Davey) Getting himself arrested, Mayor Duhy, 'cause he broke into the mall.
CDW: I LOVE IT! Your ass busted! Now you go to jail and marry big, smelly man.
Judge: Stone, you screwed up for the last time. That ten-year sentence I promised youstarts tonight.
Townspeople: Yeah!
Davey: (tearing up) Please, just let me speak for one second!
Benjamin: (squinting) Are those tears in his eyes?
Jennifer: Finally. (stands up) Let the guy talk! After all, it is the holidays.
Mrs. Selman: (standing up) She’s right. And THEN we’ll send him up the river!
Townspeople: Yeah!
Mayor: Okay, Mrs. Triple-Nipple—I, I mean Mrs. Selman. Go ahead, Mr. Stone. Let’s hear your parting words of wisdom.
[The policemen let Davey go]
Davey: I know you people don’t like me, I know you don’t care about my opinion, but here it goes. Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey Duval should have won the patch tonight and you people are all crazy for not realizing that.
Tom: Why would we give Whitey Duvall the patch? So he could use it as a blanket.
[The townspeople laugh uproariously. Tom tries to pat the Mayor with his hook, but it just stabs him]
Mayor: Ow! Oww! Oww!!
Davey: That’s the reaction I thought I get.
[Music suddenly begins, starting up the musical number “Bum Biddy”]
Davey: (sings) Everyone in this room has been associated with Whitey, that through basketball or the mall or various odd jobs he does around town for free or a most a dollar! And I’m guessing 99 percent of you have either laughed in Whitey’s face or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or voice or sister or shortness when he wasn’t looking! But the next time you’d see him, he’d go out of his way to smile and wave at you and ask about your mother’s operation or something like that because he, unlike us, actually cares about somebody other than himself! The reason I bring this up to you is because...I was the worst offender of all... (Reminisces about the past being mean to Whitey) My life was simply going nowhere. Then a tiny little man rushed to my side. He should’ve gotten a big ”Thank you.” Instead he got a porta-potty ride. I was such a shithead, but he never quit on me ‘til I told him he was useless and his sister was freaky!
[A family man stands up, and reminisces about watching a football game]
Family Man: (sings) Once when we were watching Sunday football, a fuzzy screen was all that we could see. Whitey came over with hanger and spent the game on top of a TV. And then lightning struck him. He let out a wicked, loud yell, but we just turned up the volume and ignored the burning smell— We should all rot in hell!
[The old lady from “Davey’s Song” and the mall stands up and starts reminiscing about a prank she played on Whitey back in high school]
Old Lady: (sings) I went to high school with Whitey. As a joke I told him to “Meet me at the prom.” When he got there, I told him “I can’t believe you thought I was serious.” So he ran home crying and slow danced with his mom.
Davey: (sings) What a crushing blow to Whitey. I bet you wish you can take it back!
CDW: (sings) How could you be all so mean to Whitey? Seems to me you are all on crack!
[The homeless man gasps]
Jennifer: (sings) Tonight, Whitey was counting on this town to show him that we car-are. But the first time he really needed us, we weren’t there! (holds the line until Davey finishes his)
Benjamin: (sings) And on Christmas eve and the last night of Chanukah!
Davey: (sings) It’s just not fair!!
[Policeman #2 starts dancing in the aisles]
Policeman #2: (sings) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum. Bum biddy biddy biddy bum.
[The CDW joins him]
CDW: (sings) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum. Bum biddy biddy biddy bum.
Davey: (sings; about Tom) I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand?
Tom: (ashamed) Yes.
All: (singing) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum. Bum biddy biddy bum.
[Outside the banquet hall, looking over]
All: (singing) Bum biddy biddy biddy bum bum. Bum biddy biddy biddy bum. (fading out) Bum biddy biddy biddy...
[Cut to Whitey’s car driving to the mall]
Eleanore: (offscreen) I’m so sorry they hurt you, Whitey.
Whitey: (offscreen) We should go to the mall.
[Inside Whitey’s car]
Whitey: That place always makes me feel better.
Eleanore: (strapped tightly to her seat) But it’s closed.
Whitey: Maybe the night guard forgot to lock the door again.
Eleanore: Well, if he didn’t, we can at least sit in front of it. These are desperate times!
[Outside the mall. Whitey approaches the door]
Whitey: Let the door be open. Please, just give me that.
[Whitey successfully opens the door]
Eleanore: Oh, thank god!
[Inside the mall. Whitey and Eleanore walk to the main rotunda]
Eleanore: This is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. It’s like a sanctuary.
Whitey: Eleanore, could you just give me a second to say a few words in private?
Eleanore: (hugging Whitey) Take as much time as you need, Whitey.
Whitey: (takes off his coat and walks to the dead center of the rotunda. He sits on his knees) Hey, mall, long time, no see. Fourteen hours to be exact. If you haven’t heard by now, I didn’t get that patch I’ve been telling you about for all these years. In fact, I’ve been kind of kidding myself to even think I was in the running. You see, the people of Dukesberry think I’m nothing but a joke. So I was kind of thinking, maybe I should move to a town where nobody knows who I am. (the Foot Locker Man sheds a tear, as well as the Panda Express Panda) At least then they’d have a reason not to acknowledge me. I think Eleanore might like Florida, and I hear they got some pretty amazing malls there.
Davey: (offscreen) You’re not going anywhere.
Whitey: Huh?
Eleanore: Holy shit, did the mall just say something?!
Davey: (walking out of the shadows) No, it was me.
Whitey: What do you want, Stone?
Davey: I came to apologize, Whitey.
Whitey: Well, there’s nothing to apologize for, Stone, because you were right. Nobody does care about me.
Davey: I don’t think that’s true. Do you, Mr. Mayor?
[The mayor walks out]
Mayor: Whitey, tonight for the first time in years, your partner, Davey Stone, actually did a good thing for this community.
Eleanore: What he do, steal beer for everyone?
Mayor: No, Eleanore. He made me open my eyes to see what a great man your brother is and how neglectful we’ve all been. That’s why I’m Whitey. I’m here to fix a big mistake.
[The mall suddenly lights up and becomes golden. Music immediately begins for the grand finale “It’s Your Moment, Whitey!”]
All: It’s your moment, Whitey. You’ve waited oh, so long. It’s your moment, Whitey. We’re here to right our wrong.
[The mayor rips the patch off of Tom]
Tom: Oww! (stabs himself with his hook) Oww!!
Mayor: Whitey Duvall, for service to the league and this community, I proudly present to you the 35th annual Dukesberry All-Star Patch.
[Whitey grabs the patch]
Whitey: But this is Tom’s.
Tom: Mr. Duvall, the 35th All-Star Patch is now where it belongs.
Whitey: I can’t believe this is happening.
[The townspeople start throwing down their patches as well]
Townspeople: And the 34th! And the 33rd!
Mrs. Selman: And the 32nd, and the 31st, and the 30th!
Townspeople: 29th! And the 16th! And the 28th! And the 23rd! And the 27th!
Eleanore: Oh, Whitey!
Townspeople: And the 11th! And the 25th! And the 18th! Number two! We love you, Whitey!
[Whitey walks over to Davey]
Whitey: You stepped up for me, Stone. I don’t know if I could ever repay you.
Davey: Well, you can help me with my dream.
Whitey: You got a dream? What is it?
Davey: To have someone wish me a happy Chanukah and feel as good as I used to when my dad would say it to me.
Whitey: Happy Chanukah, Stone.
Davey: Merry Christmas, Whitey.
[They hug]
Townspeople: Awww...
Whitey: You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife and I ever have a son, I hope you
consider him a brother.
Davey: Thanks, Whitey. And I’ll pretend I never heard you say that.
Whitey: Appreciate it.
[Whitey is picked up and held by some townspeople, where he goes on thanking people]
All: It’s your moment, Whitey. Enjoy, our tiny friend. Like the Bavarian cream-filled donut you ate last week.
Eleanore: (to Davey and Jennifer) Would you three show Whitey and I how to light the Chanukah candles at our house tonight?
Jennifer: (to Benjamin) You up for that, pal?
[Benjamin laughs in joy]
Eleanore: And when Benjamin falls asleep the both of you can play Spin the Dreidel for tongue kisses.
Davey: Sounds good to me.
Eleanore: (making Davey and Jennifer hold hands) Now, go live, happily ever after or I’ll dropkick the teeth out of your mouth.
Davey: (happily) That won’t be necessary.
Mrs. Selman: (breastfeeding three babies on her three different breasts) Aww, they make a nice couple.
Whitey: (regal) I never...want this to...end!! Patch!
[Whitey starts going into another seizure]
Narrator: Don’t worry, folks. Whitey’s okay.
Whitey: (in seizure) This is the happiest seizure of my life!
Narrator: See, I told you.
[Cut to black]
Whitey: Yeaa...
THE END
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