2019 Power Rankings-Week 1

== Introduction ==
Well, here we are. Another opening day is upon us. Last year, I left my opening day rankings at work and had to hastily re-write them. This year, it's Sunday morning and I only have a few hours until game time and I have to hastily write them. It is becoming a tradition.
It's been a wild few weeks. Andrew Luck retired unexpectadly. Antonio Brown crazied his way to New England (it's only tampering if you get caught). We also had Julio Jones threaten to not play before being handed a gigantic due-at-signing contract that will probably help usher in the first lock out since before LOC's inception in 2011. Let's not forget OBJ basically comparing himself to a sports car with the engine of a Prius, saying his hip hurts and he can't function properly. Is Toddy Gurley's knee okay? What the hell is up with LeSean McCoy and Damien Williams? Are they 1A and 1B? Adrian Peterson is a healthy scratch? How about that shitty opening night game that literally felt like it was played in the 1930s only with the forward pass and players not having to play offense and defense (fun fact: an early rule of the NFL was similar to soccer where if you substituted out a player they were done for the day, hence why guys played both sides a la Miley Cyrus). Aaron Rodgers looked...bad. Mitch, he looked worse. Football is BAAACK.
All this to say, as much as I'm sad that these opening rankings once again are going to be low quality, I also don't know how I could have ever written them well. I genuinely have no fucking idea what is going on in the NFL right now. If I'd written these 24 hours earlier, Shotti might be near the bottom. But now he has Antonio Brown catching passes from Tom Brady and rumor has it Gordon may be back as early as week 6. So he has to be near the top again. Half the NFL teams didn't play any starters during pre-season. The Cardinals purposefully didn't show any of their air-raid offense, hoping to unleash never-before-scene footage against the Lions like how Endgame re-released in theaters with an extra five seconds of Spider-man to get one up on Avatar. How am I to know who is good and who is bad? I can rank us, but we will know way more after next week, so consider this my "best guess" rankings based on everyone's tendancies and overall draft strategy. And let's go!
==Opening Day Standings (Minimum Two Games)==
Updated 9/11/18
Team 	Wins	Losses	Ties	Win Pct.	Longest win streak	Longest loss streak	Current streak
Garoppoblow Me 	5 	3 	0 	0.625 	2 	1 	Won 1
Pain Train WOO WOO	5 	3 	0 	0.625 	3 	1 	Lost 1
Sweet Dee 	4 	2 	0 	0.667 	3 	2 	Won 3
The Shotti Bunch 	4 	3 	0 	0.572 	2 	1 	Won 2
RIPDab 	4 	4 	0 	0.500 	2 	2 	Lost 1
Papa's Posse 	4 	4 	0 	0.500 	2 	2 	Lost 2
Duck Punchers 	4 	4 	0 	0.500 	2 	2 	Won 2
JarJar Stinks! 	2 	1 	0 	.666 	2 	1 	Lost 1
ma ma momma said 	2 	6 	0 	0.250 	1 	3 	Won 1
Paddock 9 	2 	6 	0 	0.250 	2 	4 	Lost 4
Bell of Da Ball 	0 	2 	0 	0.000 	0 	2 	Lost 2
IAMGROOT 	0 	2 	0 	0.000 	0 	2 	Lost 2
Fun start to the season, as always.
GBM will take on Duck Punchers in a fantastic rivalry game to open 2019. Both are on opening day win streaks.
Bell of Da Ball, who has never won on opening day, looks to change their fortunes vs. RIPDab, who is coming off the Even-Year Curse and an opening day loss in 2018. Neither team made playoffs last year.
Momma vs. Shotti, another of the league's great rivalries, should be an extremely interesting battle of the other two teams that finished in the Consolation Tournament last year. Shotti has the most intriguing and polarizing roster in the LOC. Both are on opening day win streaks.
Paddock 9 has felt all off-season that he deserved the chance to hoist a trophy in 2018. Well, this is their first "prove it" game when they face the defending champ, Sweet Dee. Sweet Dee is on the longest active opening day win streak. P9 has lost a league record four straight opening day games.
Finally, it's Papa and Pain Train. This game might not garner the most buzz, but these are two playoff teams from last season who would love to get a quick start and silence some of the haters.
== Power Rankings ==
A surprise number two and where does the once-great-king, "Shotti Bunch, The" wind up with all these holdouts on his squad?
It's opening day, so I at least had to do some sort of theme. How did each team's 2018 season compare to actual NFL team's seasons throughout the 2000's? Let's find out.
In parentheses, 2018 final standings:
=== 1(3). Garoppoblow Me ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 8-5
* NFL Team Comparison: 2011 Green Bay Packers (15-1): Like the Pack, GBM seemed unbeatable until they went one-and-done in the playoffs to a low seed (Sweet Dee/NYG) that would go on to win the big game.
There are days when I have trouble getting out of bed because I close my eyes and all I can see is this dumb roster not winning Glory Bowl VII. 
But I digress. This year, the limits to this team are obvious. Gurley and Beckham have health questions. If they can stay healthy, than this roster, top to bottom, is the best in the league. Three bell-cow RBs lead the way, with the youngest QB ever drafted by GBM in Baker and a projected top-five defense anchoring the roster in Jacksonville.
=== 2(9). Bell of Da Ball ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 10-3
* NFL Team Comparison: 2003 San Diego Chargers (4-12): The Chargers of yesteryear were a laughing stock until they followed up their 2003 last place campaign with a worst-to-first turnaround in 2004 led by Drew Brees and LaDainian Tomlinson. Bell has the chance to do that this season.
No team has experienced more of a glow-up than Bell. In 2012, they were run out of town after a 9th place finish. In 2018, Bell tanked for draft picks and finished 9th yet again. Now, they come in with a potent RB corp, with Barkley leading the way alongside Conner and Chubb. Lockett, Godwin, and Allen are the WR big three and Hunter Henry, if healthy, could finish as a top-five TE. This is a good, young group. I can't wait to see how they mismanage this season.
=== 3(1). Sweet Dee ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 9-4
* NFL Team Comparison: 2011 New York Giants (9-7): No one expected the 6-seed, sub-.500 Sweet Dee to make any kind of waves in the playoffs. Instead they made the most surprising run in Festival history since 2011's Papa's Posse.
For the first time, Sweet Dee begins the season as a defending champion. Matt Ryan and Julio Jones is a great WR/QB stack, but there are some big question marks at RB. Damien Williams is obviously a huge risk, as he's never played a full season as a starter. LaTavius Murray rounds out the flex position to start the season, not exactly a confident play as he backs up Kamara but he is expected to play in the week's highest scoring affair against the Texans on MNF.
=== 4(2). Pain Train ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 9-4
* NFL Team Comparison: 2013 Denver Broncos (13-3): A dominating high-scoring attack was stymied in the big game and a record-breaking regular season went to waste for the Pain Train.
The main knock against PT in 2019 might not be who the players are, but who they play for. Pain Train has starters going from Cincy, Detroit, Indy, NYG, and Miami. Talented players on bad rosters doesn't always pay off, but on paper this squad has potential to take the train back to the Glory Bowl and maybe one stop further, to the promised land.
=== 5(5). Duck Punchers ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 7-6
* NFL Team Comparison: 2008 Baltimore Ravens (11-5): A dominant team that could not escape the shadow of one of their biggest rivals (P9/Pittsburgh), Duck could ultimately not get past their household foe in the playoffs and a promising season spent playing catchup went to waste.
Easily the most Zach roster of all time, with three Houston Texans and then Jarvis Landry. Don't let this team get hot early, because they also potentially have a WR1 waiting in the wings if AJ Green can get healthy. The biggest mystery for me is why Duck likes Duke, when clearly the Browns did not. Is there something he sees that no one else does? I guess we will soon find out, as Duke is expected to be a weekly starter for the Punch.
=== 6(10). ma ma momma said ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 5-8
* NFL Team Comparison: 2005 Buffalo Bill (5-11): I could have picked any Bills season from this decade, but Mularkey was the coach during this season so it just felt right. Momma once made back-to-back Glory Bowls, similar to how the Bills made the Super Bowl in four straight seasons. But since the 90's (early 2010's), these franchises have been consolation tournament teams. Their glory days are in the past, but there is some promise here that it could be about to turn around.
Similar to Bell, Momma tanked towards the end of last year so they could stock up on early round picks and hopefully get themselves back into the Festival of Champions. They aren't projected to finish above .500, and drafting Sammy Watkins again really makes me wonder if this manager actually wants to play for championships, but there is a lot of promise on this roster. The Twin-Davids (Monty, Johnson) head up the backs, with the K-Keepers (Kittle, Kupp) and Double Check Rodgers and oh yeah, 2018's best fantasy defense. Yahoo might be underestimating this group. Week one's Bears/Pack game was a rough start.
=== 7(7). The Shotti Bunch ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 9-4
* NFL Team Comparison: 2008 New England Patriots (11-5): Just like the 2008 Pats, Shotti's 2018 season was marred with injury and they actually tied for a playoff spot, only losing out on tie-breakers (Sweet Dee/Miami). Who knows what could have happened if they'd made the big dance. But expect a bounce back season in 2019.
The craziest draft I haver ever seen in the LOC, Shotti took high risk players in almost every single round. Antonio Brown went from not playing, to playing, to not playing but ultimately catching passes from TB12 in a matter of 24 hours. Zeke went from holdout to highest paid. Gordon isn't expected until week 12, but it could be week 6? Golden Tate is suspended. Tyrell Williams is his best starting WR this week. I don't know what to expect from four-time champion TSB. Probably either first or last.
=== 8(6). Papa's Posse ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 6-7
* NFL Team Comparison: 2017 New Orleans Saints (11-5): The Saints endured three 7-9 seasons in a row in the years following their miracle win against Peyton Manning's Colts, just like how Papa has endured several mediocre seasons since their surprise Glory Bowl victory over Duck Punchers. But the 2017 season brought a return to the good ol' days for the Saints, and Papa's 9-4 record in 2018 was the same.
There are major concerns for Papa with this roster. The biggest one is that half the team is employed by the Eagles. There is also a question over TY Hilton's value as a WR1. His full season with Brissett did not produce very good numbers. I want good things for Papa, I think we all do, but the fact is someone has to lose and there are some absolute powerhouse teams this season and so far this does not look like one of them.
=== 9(8). RIPDab ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 2-11
* NFL Team Comparison: 2015 Dallas Cowboys (5-11): Just like the Cowboys, Dab seems to make a playoff run one season only to miss playoffs entirely the next. Coming off a season in which they reached the Glory Bowl, Dab spiraled out of control in 2018 and will have to bounce back in a major way this year to shake those even year cobwebs.
I was disappointed in this draft from Dab. I mocked with him all off-season and saw what a creative and exciting roster builder he was, only for him to play it very safe with his draft here in the LOC. A lot of high floor, low ceiling guys. A VERY thin RB bench, with Adrian Peterson already being healthy scratched and Matt Breida the lone other guy. We'll see what Kyler Murray is capable of this week, but with Aaron Jones already being essentially shut out by Chicago this is an uphill battle in an opening day game that feels like a must-win for Dab's sanity.
=== 10(4). Paddock 9 ===
* Yahoo 2019 Projection: 0-13
* NFL Team Comparison: 2016 Atlanta Falcons (11-5): Paddock had a fantastic season, and made it through the first round of the playoffs, but could not get beyond their arch nemesis in Pain Train. It was a crushing defeat, and they gave up a LOT to make the playoff push.
The single worst draft, maybe in the history of this league. P9 is a notoriously bad drafter, but he took it to the next level this year because he started at a huge disadvantage. He had no fourth or fifth round picks. Dede Westbrook is his top wide receiver. Mahomes is obviously great, but will regress at QB, making me question if he was really worth the keeper pick. This week, he faces Jacksonville, the only team that prevented him from throwing a TD in 2018. Everyone else managed to nab a 1 at RB and WR by using their keepers and then their first round picks, but P9 is handcuffed early. He also lost a little value in Mack when Luck retired. I don't know, this is not a good look.
== Matchup of the Week - Return of the Quack ==
It's Commish vs. Duck in this week's premiere matchup. A fantastic rivalry that days all the way back to the league's beginnings. Duck has seen a 5-2 series lead squandered and now trails 6-7.
Head-to-Head: The Duck Punchers vs. Garoppoblow Me
Date 	The Duck Punchers	Garoppoblow Me	Classification 	Series Record
10/17/11	173.27 	235.37 	Regular Season 	0-1
10/15/12	217.27 	177.30 	Regular Season 	1-1
12/17/12	217.86 	239.74 	Festival Semifinals 	1-2
09/16/13	318.93 	209.23 	Regular Season 	2-2
11/18/13	280.19 	178.52 	Regular Season 	3-2
09/22/14	214.63 	176.20 	Regular Season 	4-2
11/24/14	284.97 	238.60 	Regular Season 	5-2
11/02/15	195.21 	301.24 	Regular Season 	5-3
10/31/16	244.14 	219.98 	Regular Season 	6-3
09/25/17	213.90 	232.50 	Regular Season 	6-4
12/11/17	175.35 	237.05 	Festival Quarterfinals	6-5
09/24/18	234.11 	235.23 	Regular Season 	6-6
10/29/18	239.78 	251.05 	Regular Season 	6-7
== Conclusion ==
Five teams will come away from today with a win, meaning they merely need to go .500 the rest of the way to secure a playoff spot (7 wins gets you in). But one of the five teams that loses today is guaranteed a playoff spot as well, so week one means as much as you allow it to. Last year, three teams that lost opening day made the playoffs (Pain Train, Papa's Posse, Paddock 9). I'm excited for fantasy this season, I hope you guys are too. I laid a little low in the off-season to keep us from burning out too early but now it is time to kick it into gear. Hopefully next week I'll have more content (on time) for your eyeballs.