ITS MY LIFE REMAKE!

ITS MY LIFE REMAKE! is the ninth and likely last MarissaTheWriter story. Posted on the day of the 10th anniversary of Marissa's first story, ITS MY LIFE!, it is a heavy retcon of many of the original Marrissaverse ideas, including a much more careful handling of mental health issues regarding Chell and goth emos, disconnecting Wheatly from Harry Potter due to J.K. Rowling's transphobia and addressing the lack of homosexual pairings in the original stories. It also makes minor changes to the verse, such as swapping around Cave and Gabe Jonson and briefly involving "Old Portal Labs" into the story.
==Plot==
Marrissa Roberts is a Portal Labs test subject alongside Chell, noted to perform above expectations at tests, making GLaDOS mad. This leads to additional suffering, especially as Chell escapes and GLaDOS focuses solely on Marrissa, and in addition, as GLaDOS discovers she used to be a human, turning her to a goth emo.
For a test, GLaDOS introduces Marrissa to Atlas and P-Body, a pair of druggy jerk robots. They suggest Marrissa take up drugs, and beat her up when she refuses. This leads Marrissa to escape from them. She runs for a while, before resting and screaming out during a breakdown while thinking about Wheatly and how she is carrying his "robot ball/humon baby". This alerts Ratman.
Ratman reveals to Marrissa that she is the Chosen One to defeat GLaDOS, due to possessing speshul powers. He then informs that one of the powers is the ability to fly to and breathe in space. Marrissa gets excited about the prospect of retrieving Wheatly from space, where he was left after the supposed events of Portal 2, and proceeds to go there with haste. On the way, she encounters aliens, alongside a "big boss alien robot from Half Life", who she easily defeats.
Eventually, Marrissa finds Wheatly being beaten up by Chell, as Ratman had informed her previously that Chell was looking for Wheatly. Because of Wheatly's abuse, Marrissa punches Chell in the face, only to reveal that "Chell" was actually GLaDOS. She now expects Marrissa and Wheatly to die in space, as an asteroid is flying towards them.
The asteroid hits Marrissa and Wheatly and they fly back to Portal Labs, but are protected by Marrissa's shielding. Just then, they encounter the real Chell, who had just returned to Portal Labs, who is still constantly booty quaking and trying her best to appeal to Wheatly; however, her reason for booty quaking has been changed from brain damage to being "corrupted by society like in Joker". At first, Wheatly finds himself pleased by Chell, but the reminder of Marrissa's love is enough to snap him back.
After escaping from Chell, Marrissa informs Wheatly that she is pregnant, before remembering that Ratman misled her to a face-off with GLaDOS. Angry, Marrissa tracks down Ratman; Chell, left to her own devices, is found by Atlas and P-Body and is coerced into doing drugs by them.
Marrissa finds Ratman together with GLaDOS, the latter being happy that Marrissa and Wheatly, carried in Marrissa's breasts, can be killed together with neurotoxin. Ratman, meanwhile, just smirks, leading Marrissa to MEGA PAWNCH him; however, he survives due to Balls of Steel. This also leads Marrissa to a realization: since the Cores are controlled by GLaDOS, putting them in Ratman's body made GLaDOS able to control him as well.
Marrissa uses a hitherto unseen power, which she made up for her 10th adversary, "SOLAR BEEM", vaporizing GLaDOS just before the latter can kill Ratman with neurotoxin. She then aims to leave, but discovers Chell, Atlas and P-Body. Chell has since gone feral and attacks Marrissa, but Marrissa shoots Chell down. She then breaks a part of Atlas, making him and P-Body run away, but rests for very little as Chell has turned to a zombie.
When Atlas and P-Body return, Chell bites Atlas, turning him to a robot zombie. Marissa escapes to the "Child Daycare" (where the Bring Your Daughter to Work Day took place in canon) and munches on potatoes, before realizing that they're "zombee taters", and anyone who dies after eating them will turn to a zombie. However, she is discovered by Chell, Atlas and P-Body again, and after unsuccessfully fighting them, crashes through the floor to the Old Portal Labs. She continues escaping from Chell, Atlas and P-Body in a test that involves Propulsion Gel and a Mantis Men that have been "Left 4 Dead", before discovering a "prototip portal gun" that makes portals to Android Hell. As Wheatly is tied up by Mantis Men, Marrissa makes a portal to Android Hell and steps through. Chell follows Marrissa, but the simple act of stepping into Android Hell immediately cures her zombification.
In Android Hell, Marrissa and Chell then discover Cave Jonson (equivalent to Gabe in ITS MY LIFE!). He reveals that the two are his daughters, making Chell faint, and then, reveals his true reason for being here: he was imprisoned by Animal King Turrent (as Android Hell only functions as an afterlife for robots, not humans). He and Marrissa try to escape, but are blocked by Animal King Turrent. Marrissa is able to explode Animal King Turrent, but in turn, slices Chell's butt off. Atlas takes over the Animal King Turrent's crown and becomes the new king of Android Hell, before closing the original portal. It is only with Marrissa's speshul powers that she, Cave and Chell are able to escape Android Hell. However, inadvertently, GLaDOS also escapes.
With GLaDOS back, Marrissa continues testing, with her Companon Coob being held hostage by a firing squad, and Chell is coerced to booty quaking, which she is unable to perform due to her missing butt. Eventually, Marrissa is pushed over the edge and decides to track GLaDOS down, all the while wondering what Cave and Ratman are up to. Meanwhile, Wheatly, after being messed around with by Atlas and P-Body, discovers Marrissa, and GLaDOS punches him. Marrissa fires back, but because she misbehaved, her Companon Coob is executed.
Marrissa powers up to kill GLaDOS, before being informed of two obstacles: one, GLaDOS is Marrissa's mother, and two, her powers are too strong, as informed by a newly-arrived Cave Jonson. However, Marrissa fires anyway, heavily damaging GLaDOS, but also killing Wheatly and Cave. Marrissa resolves to go back in time, while GLaDOS and Chell form CHELLGaDOS.
Marrissa goes back in time to Portal High School, where she meets Cave and Caroline, and the latter agrees to let Marrissa stay over. Once they're at home, Caroline reveals her science fair project, Wheatly the Robo Ball, to Marrissa. The two have a happy "first" encounter, and Marrissa and Caroline continue chit-chatting, until Marrissa reveals she likes "Justin Beeper", and Caroline immediately suspects Marrissa may be from the future. However, before the two can majorly argue, Cave reveals that he has friends who can build a time machine for Marrissa to return.
Once at Portal High School, Marrissa encounters two druggy jerks, Stoney and Boney. She is then introduced to Atlas and P-Body, Cave Jonson's science fair projects. Notably, P-Body was originally made as "P-Boy", but transitions to trans girl and announces her chosen name in front of Marrissa. Marrissa asks about the time machine-building people, but first, has to tackle Stoney and Boney. She successfully explodes them, but this in turn causes Atlas and P-Body to pick up drugs from their remains, becoming druggy jerks.
Marrissa is then met by a Russian, colloquially known as Heevy. He then introduces Marrissa to the rest of TEEN FORTRESS 2, whose one member, Ingineer, is capable of building a time machine for Marrissa. However, before he does, the TEEN FORTRESS 2 decide to let Marrissa visit a concert by Loise Boombooms. Loise sings the Booty Quake song, suggesting where Chell might have picked it up.
Loise's concert is shut down, the attendants are locked in with every door being locked and neurotoxin is being pumped into the room. Marrissa quickly has to save everyone, so she shoots the doors with energy beams, negating the neurotoxin threat. This reveals Gabe Jonson (equivalent to Cave in ITS MY LIFE!), Cave's evil twin, and Gabe's clones of the TEEN FORTRESS 2, known simply as the "evil TEEN FORTRESS 2" or "Evil Fortress 2". Gabe also reveals he has speshul powers like Marrissa's; the good Ingineer invented them, but lost them and Gabe acquired them.
The good and evil TEEN FORTRESS 2 fight out. In the fight, Heevy dies, making Medik, his boyfriend, outraged, so he resurrects Heevy with Über Charge. The overpowered Heevy, alongside the other good TEEN FORTRESS 2 members and Marrissa, easily defeats Gabe. This has the consequence of transferring Gabe's powers to Marrissa, explaining how she acquired powers in the first place.
After informing Cave and Caroline that they have to have two daughters, Marrissa with past Wheatly is ready to leave for the future, but the transportation takes enough time for Marrissa to witness Gabe come back to life and shoot Caroline. Cave resolves to roundhouse-kick Gabe, killing him, and build a robot body for Caroline, named GLaDOS.
Back at Portal Labs, Marrissa first encounters CHELLGaDOS. CHELLGaDOS attacks with turrents that can walk, and Marrissa and Wheatly escape to the air ducks. CHELLGaDOS then breaks the air ducks with her hand, hurting Chell, and Marrissa lands back at where the turrents are, where she re-encounters Ratman. Ratman has been able to convert Atlas and P-Body to good guys, and since Atlas is still King of Android Hell, the Left 4 Dead Mantis Men come to Marrissa's aid as well.
In the fight, Ratman is shot to space and elaborates that he is Chell's biological father, just like in ITS MY LIFE!. After that, Chell takes control from GLaDOS and pleads Marrissa and Ratman to kill her; Marrissa declines, but Ratman complies, headshotting Chell before losing grip of the portal to space and dying. Marrissa then portals the GLaDOS parts of CHELLGaDOS to space and Chell, having sustained damage from being CHELLGaDOS, dies shortly thereafter.
Atlas and P-Body headshot Marrissa, who dies, only to resurrect immediately after, revealing that she is now immortal to her last manner of death (an explanation that does not involve zombee taters, unlike ITS MY LIFE!). Marrissa proceeds to eye-laser Atlas and P-Body to death, and confesses her love to Wheatly; the two are promptly wed by Oracle Turrent and have their honeymoon.
Meanwhile in Portal High School, the Evil Fortress 2, seeking revenge for Gabe's death, make a clone of Marrissa, named Assirram Strebor. They then test Assirram's skills by having her commit an evil deed, and she does by killing Evil Fortress 2. She then seeks out GLaDOS, and finds her completed; Ratman mistakes Assirram for Marrissa and lets her in. Assirram then corrupts GLaDOS by connecting her to the Internet, and then, holds the good TEEN FORTRESS 2 hostage, asking them to build another time machine.
Meanwhile, 12 weeks after marriage, Marrissa and Wheatly are attacked by turrents. Shocked, Marrissa discovers that the Android Hell portal is open again and that Assirram is presiding where GLaDOS used to be, and that she has gathered armies large enough to take over the world.
Assirram introduces herself, before commanding her army to kill Marrissa and Wheatly. Marrissa successfully tackles the army, but then, Assirram targets Wheatly, who promptly blinds her. Then, Marrissa continues fighting zombies, this time aided by Gordon Freeman; it is revealed that MarissaTheWriter played Half-Life between writing the original story and the rewrite.
The zombies transform Gordon to The Ultimate Zombee; in despair, Alex What Ever, also having joined the fight, surrenders and lets herself be eaten by zombies. Marrissa quickly defeats him with her powers, and Assirram declares Marrissa a "worthy opponete" and the two begin their "portal battle", just like in ITS MY LIFE!.
The battle first takes them to the Death Star, where Assirram poses as Dark Vader, and then, to the time of the dinosaurs, to where they accidentally bring over the Death Star, providing an alternative explanation as to why the dinosaurs died: it was the Death Star that killed them, not an asteroid.
Then, the battle takes Marrissa and Assirram to Portal High School. Marrissa quickly tells Cave, Ratman and the TEEN FORTRESS 2 to fight zombies in the future, before tackling Assirram. Assirram then "abortions" Marrissa's baby, and Marrissa kills Assirram with her most powerful attack yet. This also has the effect of passing Marrissa out.
When Marrissa awakens, she is greeted by Cave, Ratman and the TEEN FORTRESS 2. While unconscious, she gave birth to a robot ball/human girl, who she decides to name Chell, and the protagonists are awarded medals by President Abraman Linkan. At this point, Wheatly is also given Atlas's body, so as to not be dependent on rails anymore. Marrissa, Wheatly and Chell Junor then return to the future.
In the epilogue, GLaDOS, after being shot into space, sings a credits song. She reveals that Ratman is not dead after all, before spotting zombies from Dead Space, who eat GLaDOS, ending the story.
In the final author's note, MarissaTheWriter reveals that she is not planning on returning, except perhaps, as a joke, on the 20th anniversary of ITS MY LIFE!, which would occur in 2031.
==Trivia==
*The story has 10 chapters, to match the 10th anniversary. However, this has the effect of turning each of chapters 8-10 much longer than each of chapters 1-7.
Category:Stories