The Clam Is The Fanciest Shell, with Matt Lieb

== Description ==
This week we bid former JJGo producer and comedian, Matt Lieb, farewell and chat with him about wearing shorts, play a boat-based game, discuss nu-metal band members, Jesse talks about his appearance in the Costco Connection magazine, and more!
Jesse gave Jordan and Matt a quiz called "What is boat words?" The quiz was inspired by David Grann's book The Wager, and consisted of made-up nautical terms mixed in with actual terminology. Matt won the quiz 3-2.
Guesses are in italics, and the answers are bolded.
Round	Player	Terms	Description
1 	Matt 	
* Press gang
* Meat mob
* Tinker's tears	Foolish enough to volunteer for the navy? Welcome aboard. Finally out of the navy? Somehow survived the navy? Well, there's no rest for you because a press gang is rolling through the town's taverns, kidnapping anyone who might know how to tie a half hitch, then rowing them out to a floating jail just far enough off the coast that your no-swimming ass can't get back to shore. Yes, that's right. These sailors don't know how to swim. Have a family? Tough shit! Probably no one will even tell them that you're back in the Navy now, this time through kidnapping.
2 	Jordan	
* Mumma's stent
* Girthen mast
* Futtock shroud	A futtock shroud is that cluster of rigging below the top, which is the little perch almost at the apex of a square rig ship's mast. Sailors would climb the futtock shroud to access the top and then enjoy a view of the endless rolling sea that almost certainly would consume their hopes, dreams and indeed their very lives.
3 	Matt 	
* Foofs
* Gob coats
* Slops	Slops were the striped short pants issued to sailors by the British Navy. Supplies were short aboard ships. So these pants were worn every day and were probably disgusting, like really disgusting. But, you know, everything was super disgusting. Literally nothing on a ship was not disgusting. The surgical tools were disgusting. Basically, everyone died.
4 	Jordan	
* Foul bilge
* Gun boys' lament
* Tar tears	Congratulations. Sailor! Today you're headed to tend to the foul bilge, a liquid stew of excrement rats, seawater and broken dreams that fills the very bottom of a sailing ship. Wanna vomit? Great. The addition of your sickening chunder will almost certainly on average make the water cleaner.
5 	Matt 	
* Plum picker party
* Loblolly boys
* Little Feebles	Loblolly boys are the assistants to the ship's surgeon. They're named after loblolly, which was a porridge served to the sick. These assistants were often teenage boys and presumably they were either jacking off in front of each other a lot or just straight sucking each other's dicks.
6 	Jordan	
* Lubber hole
* Slick Tilly-Willy
* Bull's Shaft	The lubber hole allowed sailors who had climbed the futtock shroud access to the top. Perhaps if they spotted land, they could lead the crew ashore where they might accidentally cure everyone's scurvy by eating wild celery. Only they wouldn't know that the wild celery is what cured their scurvy. They just think God's Providence had shone upon them or something. So they would leave the celery behind, get back in the ship, and then get scurvy again.
7 	Matt 	
* The whackerman's folly
* Debutante's dare
* Beating to quarters	When battle was imminent, drums would be played on deck to summon the men. It was known as beating to quarters. Then they'd shoot giant cannonballs at each other that would literally knock people's heads off. But only if they were lucky, because if they only had a foot knocked off, they'd be carried below decks, literally spurting blood, and a bunch of loblolly boys would restrain them while a ship surgeon just straight up, sawed their leg off. No anesthesia or anything. Just saw, saw, saw with a regular saw, just the kind of saw you're imagining if I say "saw", straight through their flesh and bones and then literally, they would pour hot tar on the wound, because the hot tar would cauterize it, and also because they basically just poured hot tar on everything around. But guess what, Captain Tar Stump? You still died. Why? Because you didn't eat any fucking celery.
Episode date: Thu, 25 Jul 2024 10:00:00 +0000
== Guests ==
* Matt Lieb
Category:Episodes
Category:Episodes with Quizzes