The Chaser

The Chaser is the 9th episode of Season 1 of SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab, currently in a state of complete and utter disorder. The customers are all clumped up at Squidward's register and complaining, which is a lot for him to handle.]
Squidward: (in a state of panic) Alright, alright, single file line, everyone. One complaint at a time.
Customer: –you have the audacity to call this food?
Customer #2: –worst tasting thing I've EVER had in my life-
Customer #3: I wouldn't feed this slop to my pet snail!
Customer #4: Personally, I'd like to see the manager of this place.
[Squidward fails to simmer the crowd down as they keep yelling in his face. Mr. Krabs bursts out of his office, frustrated by all of the noise.]
Mr. Krabs: MR. SQUIDWARD!!! I'M TRYING TO JERK ME SHAFT IN ME OFFICE BUT ALL THE COMPLAININ' RUINED ME FLOW!!
Squidward: Well, it's not my fault that the customers hate the food!
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOY!!
[SpongeBob pops out of his window, accidentally knocking Squidward on the head.]
SpongeBob: It's not my fault either, Mr. Krabs! I've been cooking the patties the same as always!
Mr. Krabs: Then why are the customers saying they're WORMSHIT??
SpongeBob: Beats me. They've been like this ever since you instructed me to add your "secret meat" to them.
[The customers stop their complaining immediately.]
Customer: …"secret meat"?
Customer #2: HAS HE BEEN PUTTING HIS DICK INSIDE THE BURGERS?!
Mr. Krabs: NO! Get your minds out of the gutter. We're just experimenting with our formula, tinkering with new meats, that's all.
Customer #3: Well your new formula sucks ASS! I'm leaving.
[All of the frustrated customers leave, complaining all the while, leaving the three crew members alone.]
Squidward: That ended well.
Mr. Krabs (perplexed): I– I don't understand. I thought for sure that was gonna be a HIT!
SpongeBob: Maybe we should switch back to the original formula?
Mr. Krabs: NO! This is me life project, boy! I'm not giving up that easily… it just needs better advertising, is all. Now BACK TO WORK, the both of you!
Squidward: What work? There's no customers. They all left because of your shitty new meat.
Mr. Krabs: Then… then, I dunno, play around with the register. But be very gentle, her buttons are very sensitive.
[Mr. Krabs goes back into his office. Squidward hesitates, but begins to push random buttons on the cash register, which play anime girl moaning sounds, much to his confusement.]
Squidward: What the fuck.
[Cut to SpongeBob in the kitchen. There is a cardboard box on the counter labelled "SECRET MEAT", which is filled to the brim with some gooey, maroon, chunky meat. He stares at the box before taking a chunk out of it with his spatula.]
SpongeBob: …well, it can't be as bad as they make it out to be.
[He puts the spatula's head in his mouth, feeding the meat to himself. He reacts with visible disgust, coughing wildly and almost puking.]
SpongeBob: Holy Neptune, what is IN that stuff?? I need to talk about Mr. Krabs about this.
[He goes to the office door and hesitates before knocking on it. Mr. Krabs gasps and a zip is heard before he opens the door.]
Mr. Krabs: This better be good, boy.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, just what exactly is in that secret meat of yours?
Mr. Krabs: I can't tell you, lad! It's called secret meat for a reason.
SpongeBob: Oh, come on, Mr. Krabs! Please? I've been your most hardworking employee for years, you HAVE to tell me!
Mr. Krabs: Sorry boy, company rules. I'd love to tell ye, but the fine print says I can't.
SpongeBob: YOU'RE THE BOSS! YOU CAN LITERALLY REWRITE THE WORKPLACE RULES!
Mr. Krabs: You're right boy, I am the boss… which means that what I say GOES. And I say that I'm not TELLING YOU. Now get back to work.
[He goes back in his office. SpongeBob looks back at the secret meat box.]
SpongeBob: I have to find out, one way or another.
[He puts his hand in the box, picking up a handful of the meat. He puts it inside a cardboard bag and leaves the restaurant. Cut to Sandy's treedome, where SpongeBob arrives and knocks on the door. Sandy gasps and a zip is heard before opening the door.]
Sandy: SpongeBob! What's up?
SpongeBob (walking in): Heya Sandy, so Mr. Krabs has been trying out these new meats for the Krabby Patties and… well, everyone hates them. So I just came by to see if you could work your science-y magic and see what is in this stuff.
[Sandy shuts the door behind him.]
Sandy: Well, you came to the right place, SpongeBob! Let's just plug that shit into my microscope and see what's inside!
[Sandy wheels over a microscope, all ready and set up for the meat examination.]
SpongeBob: Wait, really? We can just… do it?
Sandy: Well, sure, why not?
SpongeBob: I thought the process would be a lot more complicated.
Sandy: Why would it be? (she takes the bag of meat, takes a tiny piece, and places it on the slide of the microscope) When you're a scientist like me, you learn to be prepared and make things easier for yourself.
SpongeBob: I suppose that makes sense… so, what's in it?
[Sandy examines the meat using the microscope]
Sandy: I'm seeing traces of water, bacteria, viruses… and a slight bit of corn.
SpongeBob: WHAT?! What the barnacles kind of meat is this??
Sandy: …well, to put it simply, I don't think this is meat.
SpongeBob: Then what is it?
Sandy: In order for me to be able to know for sure, we're gonna have to install some cameras in the ol' Krab, as well as get help from a certain someone.
[Transition to the both of them outside the Chum Bucket talking to Plankton.]
Plankton: You want me to do WHAT now?!
Sandy: I know it's not the nicest task for you to do, but it's for a good cause, alright?
SpongeBob: (pleading eyes) Pleeeaaasseeee, Plankton?
Plankton: Well, I hope you're not expecting me to do that shit for free… because I'm NOT.
Sandy: What are your demands?
Plankton: (smirking) Now, normally I'd ask for the Krabby Patty secret formula, but I have noticed that a certain squirrel I know has set up an OnlyFans account…
[Sandy looks visibly nervous, while SpongeBob just stares at her confused.]
SpongeBob: What's an OnlyFans?
Plankton: Now, if I was to gain access to the content hosted on this account… I might be inclined to take your offer.
Sandy: Do the thing first, then we can talk.
Plankton: …fine.
[Plankton straps a bomb to his chest and goes to the Krusty Krab. Cut to Mr. Krabs's office, where he is scrolling through his phone. Plankton bursts through the doors and jumps on his desk, face to face with the red fucko.]
Plankton: KRABS!
[Plankton stutters, takes out a script, reads through it, and puts it away.]
Plankton: There is a bomb strapped to my chest, and I'm gonna detonate it if you don't give me the secret formula!
[Krabs looks undeterred by the threat, and doesn't look up from his phone.]
Mr. Krabs: Hi, Sheldon.
Plankton: …didn't you hear me?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah, I heard you.
Plankton: SO WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING??
Mr. Krabs: Eh, life's been tough.
Plankton: (nervously) Well, uh… I don't care about your life, you're gonna give me the formula, or blow up.
Mr. Krabs: Ehh.
Plankton: The fuck you mean "ehh"?
[Cut to the main area of the Krusty Krab, which is littered with cameras and microphones everywhere. On the register, on the tables, in the chairs, inside the drinks, and up Patrick's ass, all set up by SpongeBob. He takes a second to admire his incredibly stealthy work before taking out a walkie talkie.]
SpongeBob: Alright, Sandy. All the cameras are set up.
Sandy: (on the other end) Perfect. Now we just need to wait for Plankton.
SpongeBob: …it's taking longer than expected.
[Cut back to the office, where Plankton still hasn't convinced Krabs to act.]
Plankton: BRO, GET RID OF ME ALREADY!!
Mr. Krabs: Busy.
Plankton: I HAVE A BOMB ON MY CHEST!!
Mr. Krabs: Yeah.
[Plankton takes the phone out of his claws.]
Plankton: WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE GEN Z IDIOTS!! Now, please, just dunk me in the toilet already.
Mr. Krabs: …what?
Plankton: I mean, it's an extremely easy and accessible way to get rid of me.
Mr. Krabs: I guess you have a point.
[Cut to Plankton being flushed down the toilet. He has his script in his hands.]
Plankton: "CURSE YOU, KRABS!!!"
[Mr. Krabs laughs.]
Mr. Krabs: And now for the chaser.
[Cut to Sandy watching the cameras in her treedome. Some incredibly violent shitting noises can be heard, with Mr. Krabs emitting some pained groans with every shit. Sandy watches in total disgust until the noises end.]
Sandy: Well, at least I know to put scat on my turn-offs list later.
SpongeBob: (over the walkie-talkie) Sandy, did you get the footage yet?
Sandy: Unfortunately, yuh.
SpongeBob: (over the walkie-talkie) So do you have all the necessary evidence yet?
Sandy: Yeah, yeah I do. I'll be over in a few minutes.
[Cut back to the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs comes out of the bathroom holding another cardboard box of "new meat".]
Mr. Krabs: Boy! I got you another box of new meat to use.
SpongeBob: I thought no one liked it.
Mr. Krabs: Don't say that, me boy. I thought you were the optimistic one.
SpongeBob: I'm not one to argue with facts.
Mr. Krabs: Well, nevertheless, we're full of customers today, so it's the perfect opportunity to sell some new patties.
[The Krusty Krab is indeed full of customers, ones who are eating nothing and are instead sitting at their tables staring at nothing and twiddling their thumbs. It is clear that they have nothing to do with their lives so they just hang around at the restaurant.]
[Sandy bursts through the doors.]
Mr. Krabs: See, there's your girlfriend now, boy! Go in the kitchen and make me some MONEY!
SpongeBob: She's not my–
[Mr. Krabs shoves SpongeBob through the kitchen doors.]
Mr. Krabs: Hello, Ms. Cheeks, may I interest you in some–
Sandy: SHUT UP, YOU BIG RED FUCK! I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!
[Sandy picks Squidward up and gently places him outside of his register boat, before getting in and pulling up the microphone.]
Sandy: THE NEW KRABBY PATTIES ARE MADE WITH SHIT!!
[The restaurant is piss quiet.]
Customer #1: Well, yeah, clearly.
Sandy: I MEAN IT!! THEY'RE MADE OF FECES!!
[The customers start to talk amongst themselves, starting to believe Sandy.]
Mr. Krabs: WHAT?? (grabbing the microphone) No, it's not true, ladies and gentlemen, she's just one of the HATERS!! Now, if I could interest you–
Sandy: I HAVE EVIDENCE TO PROVE IT!!
[SpongeBob gives her a remote control which she uses to switch the various televisions in the restaurant on. They show the video footage of Mr. Krabs violently shitting from earlier, but the camera cuts away from the TVs right before the video plays so as to not show any poo-poo recordings. The customers all react in extreme disgust, some even throwing up… all except for Patrick, who looks visibly turned on.]
Sandy: THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN EATING, CITIZENS OF BIKINI BOTTOM!! YOU'VE BEEN EATING HIS FAT SLIMY CRAB SHIT ALL THIS TIME!!
Patrick: OOugughgughhhghhh… (he cums himself)
[While Patrick admires the video, all the customers flock out of the restaurant in repugnance. SpongeBob and Sandy high-five as Mr. Krabs simply stares in shock.]
Mr. Krabs: Fuck this shit, I'm moving to bloons.
[Mr. Krabs walks off-screen. Plankton runs up to Sandy and SpongeBob, covered in Krabs's shit.]
Plankton: Can I have the OnlyFans now?
[Sandy steps on him, as the two laugh.]
SpongeBob: I guess all's well that ends well, huh?
Sandy: I suppose so.
[The two begin to walk away as well.]
Sandy: So, like, wanna make out or something?
SpongeBob: Oh, is that like a dish or something?
[Once the two are gone, Patrick runs into the bathroom, desperate for more crab shit. Of course, we are still in the main area so we don't see anything, but Patrick sees all the shit on the walls.]
Patrick: OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!
[He omega-splooges everywhere. A white puddle pools under the bathroom door as the episode ends.]
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