Better Off Sled/Transcript

== Better Off Sled ==
Olsen Benner: Wonder Wharf feels more like Winter Wharf after a record-breaking snowstorm overnight. Someone tell Santa to put on his snow tires.
Linda: Ha! Snow tires.
Olsen Benner: With schools on winter break this week, it's a nice day for a white sledding.
Louise: You are correct, Olsen Benner from Channel 6 News. We're gonna sled ourselves sick.
Gene: Sledding's my favorite sport because Lady Gravity does all the work.
Tina: I've been practicing my "whee!" Whoo! Oh, wait.
Olsen Benner: Snowplows have been working since early this morning to clear the streets and bury my Subaru.
Teddy: Hey, that's my truck. Wow! It looks ten pounds heavier on TV.
Linda: Oh, yeah, look at you plowing. Where are you? 
Teddy: Church parking lot. I got to call my mom. This counts as going, right?
Bob: Whoa, Teddy, you're really fishtailing a lot.
Teddy: Yeah, I am. It's snowy, Bob. Do you even know how to plow, Bob?
Bob: You just drive drive a car and push the snow off to the side, right?
Teddy: Yes. Something like that.
Louise: All right, team, let's chop-chop with the hot-choc. Sleds await.
Gene: Hang on. (straining) There's a marshmallow down there I cannot reach.
Tina: That's life, pal.
Linda: Have fun, kids. If you see Rudolph, don't make fun of him. He doesn't like that.
Louise: So, the plan is we sled, and then we sled some more, and then we keep sledding. Sound good?
Tina: Huh, I see sleds, but I don't see butts in them.
Louise: Rudy, Darryl, why aren't you guys sledding?
Rudy: We've got a little situation.
Gene: Oh, just go behind a tree and use some leaves. And don't be creeped out by that one squirrel that likes to watch.
Rudy: N-No, I'm talking about that.
Logan: Hey! Ow! 
Louise: Ugh. Logan.
Logan: Here's a snowball in your spleen. And a snowball in your ween.
Gene: Aah! I don't want to get snowballs in any of those places.
Rudy: Yeah, I'm a snowball magnet. Maybe we should sled somewhere that doesn't have rowdy teen boys with arms.
Tina: Well, now, hold on. We don't want to go somewhere with no hot, rowdy teen boys.
Rudy: Nobody said hot.
Tina: Someone did.
Louise: Guys, this is the only hill in the park. This is where we sled. We can't let Logan and his stupid friends snowball on our parade. Come on, let's go.
Rudy: Okay.
Logan: Ah.
Louise: Okay, that was perfect, but let's run away.
Gene: Saving Private Ryan called. It wants its opening scene back.
Linda: You're not gonna believe what I found in the basement.
Teddy: A tote bag? You just found that? Look at the handles on that thing.
Linda: No, I mean what's inside the bag. Ta-da! It's my knitting yarn.
Bob: Wait, you knit? 
Linda: Yeah, I knit. 
Bob: Are you sure? Because I've never seen you do it before.
Linda: Well, I was gonna knit. I bought this yarn when I was pregnant with Louise. I wanted to make the kids scarves, and I never got around to it. But now it's time. It's time to knit or get off the pot. I'm gonna make the kids scarves for Christmas.
Bob: Are you gonna be able to do that, Lin? Christmas is in two days.
Linda: Oh, yeah, scarves are a cinch. You just You whip 'em right up.
Teddy: So, what are you gonna do with this terrific tote that nobody wants?
Linda: Hey, get your hands off that. It's my knitting bag.
Teddy: Hey, can can you... I just want to look at it.
Linda: Ooh, get off it. Teddy, stop! 
Teddy: Bob, Bob, who should have the tote? And don't say split it in half.
Bob: I-I don't want to get involved. But Teddy, he needs it more.
Linda: Ah, yeah, maybe you're right.
Teddy: Yes!
Rudy: That was horrible. How could something as pure as snow be so violently thrown at us?
Louise: This is ridiculous. I'm gonna go talk some sense into these fools.
Gene: Okay, you do that, and we'll support you by standing right here at this safe distance.
Logan: Oh, great, it's Louise Smellcher.
Louise: Oh, clever, Logan. Look, I know your tiny little brain doesn't understand things, so let me help you out here. This is a sledding hill, where people sled every time it snows.
Logan: Actually, this is the snowball-fighting hill now, because sledding is for babies, and babies should be home sleeping or doing tummy time.
Louise: But this is the only hill in the park. There's nowhere else to sled.
Logan: Oh, maybe you should try checking out the hill by the I don't give a crap.
Louise: Well, your face gives a crap, because your face is crap, Logan.
Logan: Your face is crap.
Louise: Your face is crap! 
Logan: Your face is a crap! 
Louise: You're the crappest face!
Boy: Logan, are we snowballing or what?
Logan: Yeah, we're snowballing! Scram, sled wetters.
Louise: Son of a... 
Boy: Oh, man.
Logan: Ow! What the...?
Gene: Uh-oh.
Tina: Oh, no.
Logan: You'd better dash, diaper rash.
Louise: Got to go.
Boy: Logan, let's just enjoy the day.
Logan: Enjoy that! 
Louise: Oh! Okay, we need a new plan. Who can throw a snowball really hard? 
Gene: Uh, nah.
Rudy: Not so much.
Darryl: I could give it a try. Where'd it go?
Rudy: Hey, my cousin Mandy is a pitcher on the high school softball team. She lives near here. Maybe she could help.
Louise: Is she good?
Rudy: She makes underhand look like overhand. Understand? 
Louise: No.
Rudy: You know what? That was confusing. I'll call her.
Tina: Lot of testosterone down there.
Gene: And we've all synced our cycles up here.
Louise: Wow.
Gene: Rudy's cousin is Brienne of Tarth.
Rudy: So, yeah. This is Mandy.
Mandy: Yeah, hi. I'm Mandy. Rudy cried until I said I'd come.
Rudy: That's how I got you to come to my yellow belt test at the dojo. Would've been so cool if I had passed.
Mandy: Is that Logan? 
Louise: You know him? 
Mandy: Yeah. He's in my grade. He used to pick on me when I was younger. He called me Manitary Napkin.
Tina: He picked on you? You're so much bigger than him.
Mandy: Well, I used to be smaller.
Rudy: Hey, maybe I'll be really big and strong when I'm older, right, cuz? Yeah.
Mandy: Sure, buddy. High-five.
Rudy: High-five Oh, ow! 
Mandy: Oof, sorry. Look, I'm only gonna give you guys about 15 pitches. Let me see if I can even throw snow. Might be wasting your time.
Gene: Is he dead? 
Tina: Uh... No, he's moving. Twitching is moving, right? 
Louise: Yes. Santa, look away. This isn't for your delicate eyes.
Louise: OK everybody, here's the plan. We protect Mandy as she rains down frozen terror, and we take back the land that is rightfully ours. We might not all make it...
Rudy: Why are you looking at me?
Louise: Shh. But those that do will remember the fallen. 
Darryl: I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Louise: That's my little warrior.
Logan: Oh, good. I was wondering where I was gonna put all this snow. Now I know. In your tiny, dumb face.
Louise: Shields up!
Logan: Uh, okay. 
Louise: It's time for a pitch slap!
Logan: Manitary Napkin? What are you doing here? Oh! My neck! 
Louise: Advance! Advance! Advance!
Boy: I'm out of here.
Boy: Me, too. Come on, Logan.
Logan: No way. I'm not going anywhere. Okay, maybe I am.
Louise: Yes! Nice work, Manitary Napkin.
Mandy: Thanks. Wait, don't call me that.
Louise: Right, right, right, right, right, right, right right.
Bob: Lin, can you take these to table two? 
Linda: Bob, I can't. I'm knitting, and I got to keep going.
Bob: Wait, that's all you've done?
Linda: Yes, Bob. It's slow at first, but then it's like Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba, scarf. Now stop distracting me.
Bob: Okay, I'll just cook and serve the food and do everything and you're not listening.
Bob: Lin.
Linda: Oh, my beautiful scarves.
Knitcracker: Great job, Linda.
Linda: Thank you, Knitcracker.
Bob: Lin, you're scaring me.
Linda: Wha ?
Bob: Who's Knit-cracker?
Linda: Nobody. Oh, no, I dropped a stitch. Oops, another one. Oops, another one.
Bob: Sorry, did I throw you off? I just thought maybe you were going crazy.
Linda: Hush, Bob! Oh, God, another one. Ooh, there goes another one.
Louise: Hey, Mandy, the dumb teen boys are gone. You can go. I'm sure you've got... athletic stuff to do.
Mandy: I always have athletic stuff to do, but I'm just sticking around because Rudy wanted me to watch him sled.
Rudy: Look at me! Backwards! Tell the other cousins about this. Oh! Oh, my God, too scary. Turning around, turning around. 
Tina: Whee! I feel like a kid again.
Gene: I feel like I'm in one of those breath mint commercials. 
Tina: Is that a giant white round bird? It's not!
Louise: What the hell?
Rudy: The teenage boys are back. And they brought their young-looking dad.
Logan: Everyone, I'd like you to meet Cameron. He's on the varsity basketball team. He's their best outside shooter. Hey, you, uh you shoot a lot of threes, Cameron?
Cameron: Yeah. Threes and twos and occasionally ones.
Logan: Yeah, that's right. All the numbers.
Louise: Oh, no. Everyone into formation, quick!
Mandy: Don't worry, I got this Oh! Oh, snow down my back! Snow down my back! Oh, oh! Down my crack. That's it, I'm done.
Louise: No! Where are you going? 
Mandy: Sorry, guys. Oh, I feel it with every step.
Rudy: Uh, I'm gonna go, too. Too much snow time for me.
Gene: Uh, Louise, based on how far my wiener has retracted into my body, we should go, too.
Louise: Ugh! Fine, we're leaving. But we're walking away with dignity. Aah! Forget dignity! Just go! Go, go, go, go!
Bob: Hey, Teddy. Back so soon?
Teddy: What? I just plowed two parking lots. That means I get two cups of coffee. That's my system. I'm gonna have 18 cups of coffee today.
Bob: Mm.
Teddy: How's the scarf, Linda?
Linda: It's great. Great. Everything's going perfectly. I'm right on track. 
Bob: Lin, I-I'm worried you're not gonna get three scarves done by Christmas. I mean, you've only done about a inch and a half, and it's been, like, three hours. 
Linda: Thanks for the pep talk, Bob. 
Teddy: Yeah. Who invited Dr. Scrooge? 
Bob: Scrooge was not a doctor. 
Teddy: Not a medical doctor, right. 
Bob: Listen, Lin, maybe I can help. 
Linda: What do you mean? Like, knit? 
Bob: Yeah. You can show me how, right? 
Linda: All right. Here, watch me. You put the thing through the thing, and you pull it through like this.. Yay, it worked. 
Teddy: Nice one, Linda. 
Linda: Here, Bob. You try. Now, don't rush. You take your time. 
Bob: Okay. 
Linda: It unravels so easily. You got to be real careful... Oh, you did it. 
Bob: Yeah. 
Linda: You did it again. 
Bob: Yeah. It-it's easier than I thought. 
Linda: Okay, all right, calm down. Give it. Oh, they're back. (whispers) Hide the yarn. Don't let them see it. How was sledding, kids? 
Tina: Logan and his friends took over the sledding hill and threw basketball-sized snowballs at us. 
Teddy: Ugh. Snow bullies. When I was little, this kid Ricky used to follow me around and throw snowballs at me every time it snowed. And I'd try to laugh it off. (laughs) "Very funny, Ricky. I love it." But I hated it, you know? I-I hated him. I used to fantasize about sneaking up on him when he was volunteering and just nailing him with a snowball. And all the homeless people just laugh at him. 
Bob: Wait, your childhood bully was a volunteer at a homeless shelter? 
Teddy: Yeah, he was an Eagle Scout. 
Linda: Darn those mean boys for ruining my babies' fun. 
Tina: We could still have fun. Maybe we could build a snowman out front. 
Gene: Oh, yeah. We could use dog-pee snow to give him blond hair and a gold chain and a pee stain on his pants. 
Louise: I don't want to build a dog-pee snowman. I want to sled. This is our winter break, damn it. 
Tina: But there's nothing we can do. Logan and his friends have the hill. 
Louise: I know that, Tina. 
Teddy: Whelp, got to get back out there. The extra-wide men's shoe store parking lot is not gonna plow itself. And you know what? Narrow lot. 
Linda: See you, Teddy. 
Louise: Guys, I changed my mind. Let's build that snowman. Teddy. 
Teddy: Yeah? 
Louise: I was just thinking about your snow bully, Ricky. 
Teddy: Eh, yeah, Ricky. 
Louise: Yeah. I bet you wish you could get him back somehow, huh? 
Teddy: You mean like get a job as his doctor and then tell him he's gonna die in a month? 
Louise: Yeah, that could work, or you could help us get back at our snow bullies. 
Teddy: What? How? 
Louise: Logan and his jerk friends couldn't throw their dumb snowballs on the hill if there was no snow for them to throw. Like if someone plowed it all away? 
Teddy: Oh, wow. Yeah. Who would do that? 
Louise: You would, Teddy. 
Teddy: Oh, no. I only do driveways and parking lots. 
Louise: Oh, okay. I guess the snow bullies win again. Ricky would be proud. 
Young Teddy: All right, all right, that's hilarious. All right, that's enough, Ricky! (echoing): That's enough, Ricky! Okay, I'll do it. 
Louise: You'll do it? 
Teddy: I'll do it. 
Tina: Louise, if Teddy plows the hill, then we can't sled. 
Louise: That is not what this is about, Tina. If she can't be mine, then no one can have her. 
Tina: You can't force someone to love you, Louise. Wait, what are we talking about? 
Louise: The hill. We're plowing that son of a bitch! 
Teddy: Yeah, we are. 
Gene: And we'll blame it all on global warming. It's the perfect crime. 
Linda: Bedtime, kids. Turn off the TV and jingle your butts to bed. 
Louise: I'll, uh, go in a sec. Come on, Teddy. (phone rings) Is it done? 
Teddy: I can't. I-I can't do it. I'm not supposed to be driving my plow in the park. I'd get in big trouble. 
Louise: Ugh. Teddy, listen. You're not hurting anyone. You're helping. And besides, no one's gonna know it was you. 
Linda: Who's calling this late? 
Louise: Telemarketer selling makeup. 
Linda: Ooh, what kind of makeup? 
Louise: Oh, actually, it's insurance. 
Linda: Oh, ew. 
Louise: Teddy, you there? 
Teddy: Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. 
Louise: Okay, I'm coming down there. 
Teddy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You stay where you are. The-the-the park's no place for a kid. I'll take care of this. You can do this, Teddy. Just picture Ricky in his Eagle Scout uniform raising money to build a hospital. 
Teddy: Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. (phone rings) Hello? Is this the police? 
Louise: (whispering) It's Louise. Is it done? 
Teddy: Nothing happened. 
Louise: You didn't do it? 
Teddy: I didn't say that. Nothing happened because I was never here. 
Louise: So did you do it or not do it, Teddy? 
Teddy: All I'm gonna say is the hill looks different than it did 20 minutes ago. I-I got to go, Louise. I got to get out of this park that I was never in and I'm not in right now. 
Bob: Yes. 
Linda: Oh, look at your scarf. It's so long and so straight. 
Bob: Yeah, I think it's almost finished. 
Linda: Wow. 
Bob: How-how's yours coming? 
Linda: It's coming along. 
Bob: Is it a little narrow? 
Linda: No, it's not narrow. 
Bob: It's like a tie. But that's good. It could be a tie. 
Linda: It's supposed to be, so it goes around a couple times. 
Bob: Right, except for how short it is. 
Linda: It's the style, Bob. 
Bob: Well, I'm gonna go to sleep. Uh, I could start a new scarf in the morning if you want. 
Linda: Great. Good night. Oh. Knit-cracker? 
Knit-cracker: You suck at this. 
Linda: Aah! 
Knit-cracker: You'll be knitting the same scarf until you die. 
Linda: Oh, my God. Bobby! 
Bob: Lin, are you all right? 
Linda: Oh! I had a dream. I My scarf was wrapped around my neck and tried to kill me. 
Bob: Well, it's not really long enough to wrap around your neck. Right? 
Linda: Good night, Bob. 
Bob: Good night. 
Louise: Revenge. The best sleeping pill. 
Olsen (on TV): The town is getting a double dose of winter after a second record-breaking snowfall early this morning. 
Louise: What? It snowed? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 
Linda: Isn't it pretty? 
Louise: No! 
Bob: Well, I'm gonna go shovel the sidewalk. 
Gene: Wow, Dad. That's, like, the butchest thing you've ever said. 
Bob: Thanks, Gene. 
Linda: I'm gonna go work on the scar... I mean, work on something really special that you're all gonna love. I mean-I mean nothing. Stay out of my room! 
Louise: Stupid snow. 
Gene: Louise, are you our new kitchen? 
Louise: This is armor. I'm going back to the hill to sled, as is my God-given right. 
Tina: What? No. Come on, is it worth it? All this fighting just to sled? It's Christmas break. It's the time of year for peace and goodwill, damn it. 
Louise: This is the best snow this town has seen in years, maybe even ever, and if I have to, I'll sled till I've bled. 
Tina: Louise, wait. 
Louise: No, Tina. You guys stay here where it's safe. I'm going alone. 
Tina: Oh. I was just gonna say maybe you should take these oven mitts for extra butt padding. 
Louise: Oh. 
Tina: But now this is awkward, so I guess I'll go with you? I mean, "I'll go with you," I said strongly. We both will. Right, Gene? 
Gene: "Right," I said, not totally knowing what you guys are talking about. 
Louise: Thanks, guys. It's a good day to die. 
Tina: What? 
Gene: Huh? 
Louise: Nothing, nothing. Get your pots on. 
Louise: We're all suited up. We're pretty much invincible. Let's sled. 
Gene: Uh, after you. 
Louise: All right, here I go. Oh. Oh, no. 
Tina: Uh-oh. 
Gene: Uh-oh. 
Louise: We're sledding whether you guys throw snowballs at us or not. 
Logan: Oh, we're gonna throw snowballs at you, but these aren't just any old snowballs. All the old snow from yesterday got plowed for some reason, and now that snow is really hard and icy. These snowballs leave a mark. Show her, Caleb. How's that feel, buddy? 
Caleb: Hurts. 
Logan: Yeah, that's right it hurts. 
Louise: Throw your dumb, super snowballs. That's what this is for. 
Logan: You just rob a Williams Sonoma? What are you, my mom? 
Bob: What? 
Logan: She stole a muffin thing. Whatever. 
Louise: Just give me my sled back. 
Logan: Uh-uh. 
Louise: Give it! Oh, no. 
Logan: (laughs) Looks like you're baking sheet out of luck. Get ready to eat snow, Smellcher. 
Louise: Okay Uh, whatever you do, don't aim for my butt. 
Logan: She's trying to get us to aim for her butt, guys. She's probably got oven mitts in there or something. 
Louise: What? No. That's ridiculous. 
Logan: Then why does it look like your butt could take a sheet of fresh-baked cookies out of the oven? 
Louise: Genetics? 
Logan: All right, gentlemen. On three. One... two... 
Tina: Stop. Hit us. Myself and... Gene? We were supposed to both use our armor to block Louise. 
Gene: Sorry. Seemed like you had it covered. Here I come. 
Logan: The more the merrier. One... two... What the? 
Louise: Mandy? 
Logan: Manitary Napkin? 
Boy: Aah! It's the whole softball team. 
Logan: Aah! And the girls basketball team. 
Boy: And the lacrosse team. 
Mandy: Get 'em, girls. 
Louise: Rudy, did you do this? 
Rudy: Yeah. Me and my dad were driving to get some earrings for his friend Nancy, even though they're not sure where their relationship is going, and I saw you guys walking to the park with your sleds. I thought you were gonna get killed, so I called Mandy. 
Mandy: I was at the gym with some of the girls, and Sarah called her friend on the basketball team. And they were like, "We can hit Logan with snowballs?" And then we decided to call everyone we know who also wanted to hit Logan with snowballs, and here we are. 
Boy: Ow! Logan, this is too intense. We're gonna take off. 
Tina: That's right, run away with your fully formed teenage butts. 
Mandy: And don't even think about coming back. 
Logan: No, this isn't over! 
Mandy: It'll be over in a few seconds. You're about to get wiped out by a Manitary Napkin. That's right, I'm owning it now. 
Logan: Uh (grunts) 
Louise: Hey! 
Logan: Human shield! Probably the worst, smallest choice for one, but-but here we are. 
Linda: Hey, Teddy. Another big snowplow day, huh? 
Teddy: Yeah. It's a Christmas miracle. My prayers were answered. I said, "Lord, please don't let anyone find out about the terrible thing I did last night." And then it snowed. So it's like it never happened. 
Bob: Wait, Teddy, what terrible thing did you do last night? 
Teddy: I, uh I didn't do anything. What terrible thing did you do, Bob? 
Bob: Okay. Hey, Lin, have you seen my scarves? 
Linda: I haven't seen them. I'm sorry. 
Bob: Huh. That's weird. Because they were right here a minute ago. 
Linda: Ah, I can't help you. 
Bob: (gasps) Linda! You threw them in the garbage? 
Linda: No. I threw them in the recycling. 
Bob: Why did you do that? 
Linda: (sighs) I'm sorry. I-I feel like a failure, Bob. I was gonna be a great knitter who made my children scarves. And then I was gonna start a store on Etsy and call it "Scarving Children." But all I made was this weird-looking mess. 
Teddy: Oof. 
Bob: It's not that bad. 
Teddy: Yes, it is. 
Bob: Teddy. 
Linda: Let's just give the kids your scarves. 
Bob: No. B-Between my two and your one, we have a scarf for each kid. They can just share them, so no one gets one they don't want. 
Linda: I guess. 
Bob: And we could say your mom knitted them. They can be a gift from Gram Gram. 
Teddy: You're gonna blame Gram Gram for that? 
Bob: We blame a lot of stuff on her. 
Linda: We do? 
Bob: Oh, I guess I just do. I mean, she's great. 
Tina: Let go of her. 
Gene: She's not a shield. She's the only sister I have. 
Tina: What? 
Gene: Oh. Hi. 
Louise: Oh, Logan, Logan, Logan, you are so screwed. 
Mandy: Surround him. 
Logan: Wha-What are you doing? Stop it! - S-Stop surrounding me! 
Tina: Pummel his ass! 
Mandy: You're gonna have so much snow in you, you're going to poop ice. (chanting): Poop Ice! 
Everyone: Poop Ice! Poop Ice! Poop Ice! Poop Ice! 
Logan: Oh, God. 
Louise: I think this is happening, pal. 
Logan: Just get out of here. Time to cover my unmentionables. 
Mandy: Merry Christmas, punk. Ready. Aim. 
Louise: Ugh, stupid Christmas. (grunts) 
Mandy: What the? 
Logan: Whoa You saved me. 
Louise: Oh, I didn't save you. I just kind of gave you a little head start. 
Mandy: Get him! 
Logan: Oh, no! Oh, this is horrible! 
Louise: Merry Christmas, Logan. Let's sled! 
Bob: Hey. This one's from Gram Gram. It's for all three of you. 
Linda: You don't have to open it if you don't want to. 
Gene: Mine! 
Louise: Let me at it! 
Tina: Give me! 
Gene: Scarves? 
Linda: You guys can choose which one you want. Flip a coin or fight it out. 
Gene: Ooh. I want this one. 
Tina: That's the one I want. 
Louise: Well, it's mine. So neither of you get it. 
Linda: Wait, you all want that one? 
Louise: Yeah. It's creepy, but it tells a story. 
Tina: The other two just look like Gram Gram bought them at a store. 
Louise: A boring scarf store. 
Bob: Um, I wouldn't say it was "boring." It's just a... 
Linda: (whispering) They love my scarf, Bob. 
Bob: (whispering) Yeah, they do. 
Linda: You know what this means? I'm better at knitting than you. I knew it. Stick to burgers. 
Bob: Oh, my God. 
Linda: I made it! I made that! 
Category:Transcripts