Episode 311: Raquel Welch/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 311: Raquel Welch.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Oh, Raquel Welch, thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Welch.
 	Raquel reads dramatically from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.
Raquel 	"The quality of mercy is not strain'd. It droppeth as a gentle rain upon the place beneath..."
Scooter	Uh, changing your image, huh?
 	
Raquel 	Yes, well, I was toying with the idea.
Scooter	Well, you do what you want, Miss Welch. On this show, you don't have to dress up in any of those scanty, revealing costumes.
Raquel 	(relieved) Oh! Thank you, Scooter.
Scooter	Well, not unless you really want to.
Raquel 	Well...
 	
 	Dr. Teeth, Gonzo, Floyd, Green Frackle and Quongo all peer into the room, begging.
Muppets	(in unison) Oh, please want to!
 	Scooter nods. Raquel giggles.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Raquel Welch! Whoo! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	Beauregard pulls a rope, and a sandbag falls on his head.
 	
 	Flowers come out of Gonzo's trumpet.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you! And welcome, again, to The Muppet Show, where tonight, we are delighted to have the one and only Miss Raquel Welch...
 	Miss Piggy enters, clearing her throat.
Miss Piggy	Pity we can't book an important guest star on this show. (flips her hair)
Kermit 	Uh, well, what are you saying, Piggy? Tonight we have an internationally acclaimed actress, singer, dancer and one of the sexiest ladies alive!
 	
Miss Piggy	You've got that every night, frog.
 	She flips her hair and walks off.
Kermit 	Uh, well... ahem … uh, ignoring that, ladies, and particularly gentlemen, here she is, the curvaceous, the tantalizing, the desirable...
Scooter 	Hold it, chief!
Kermit 	What now?
Scooter 	She's changing her image.
Kermit 	Changing her image?
Scooter 	Yeah, she was just rehearsing Shakespeare. (exits)
Kermit 	But... Uh... Well, uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, one of cinema's leading dramatic actresses, the very erudite, Miss Raquel Welch.
 	
 	Open on a jungle setting with birds and snakes. Raquel's opening number proves she hasn't changed her image too much when she dances and fights with a Giant Spider while singing "Baby It's Me."
==Backstage==
 	
 	Floyd and Kermit admire Raquel from backstage.
Floyd 	Pluperfect.
Miss Piggy	Uh … I thought she was going to change her image.
Kermit 	Well, she might be changing her image, but you wouldn't want her to change the rest of that.
 	Floyd giggles. Piggy walks off in a huff.
Kermit 	Hey, where's Fozzie? He's supposed to be on stage.
Floyd 	Well, he must be late getting back from group.
Kermit 	Group? Fozzie went to group therapy?
Floyd 	(chuckles) Yeah, he wanted to learn to be more dominating.
 	They overhear Fozzie from outside.
Fozzie 	Open up, doors! These doors will swing open to the force of my will alone! (pause) … OK, I'll open the doors.
 	He struggles at first, but opens the door.
Fozzie 	There, I opened the doors, and I wanted to. (to the door) Thank you.
Kermit 	It's a pity you couldn't open the show, too.
Fozzie 	Uh, excuse me, Mr. Frog, uh, I am an established artiste. I will not be treated like a newcomer.
Floyd 	No, you'll be treated like a latecomer.
 	He and Kermit chuckle.
Kermit 	Very good. (Floyd exits) Uh, Fozzie, are you trying to be pushy or something?
 	
Fozzie 	Oh, no. I mean, uh, yes. I am tying to be more decisive.
Kermit 	Hmm. (walks to his desk)
Fozzie 	Uh, maybe. (walks up to Kermit)
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, what are you doing?
Fozzie 	I'm not too sure. Uh... Oh, you see, my, my group leader told me to be more aggressive. Yes, uh, here.
 	He pulls Kermit forward and growls at him, then pushes him out of the way to get to the phone.
Fozzie 	Excuse me, I'm sorry.
 	He picks up the phone, growls into it, and hangs up.
Fozzie 	Thank you. Thank you.
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, why don't you just go sit quietly in your dressing room? (exits)
Fozzie 	Oh, no! Oh, no, not this time! Frog, this bear will never be pushed around or stepped on ever again!
Gladys 	(calling from the canteen) Hey, did somebody order raw eggs and chili peppers?
 	Animal rushes to the canteen, knocking Fozzie over.
Animal 	Breakfast! Breakfast! Aah! Breakfast! Breakfast!
 	Fozzie stands up wearily.
Fozzie 	I think I'll go sit quietly in my dressing room.
=="Jamboree"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, you could describe our next performer as a complete contrast to Miss Raquel Welch. But then again, you could also describe him as a complete contrast to every man, woman and child on Earth. Uh, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great.
 	Open on Gonzo in a trailer living room with a Christmas tree and a clothesline. Everything he sings about comes into the room and joins him in the song.
Gonzo 	
Lonely? Hey, I get lonely.
Sad? Whoo! I know sad.
But you do what you can with the things that you see,
To make life a jamboree!
And I see cows playing cellos
With bananas where their horns should be.
And I see flags being waved by ducks in buckets
And pigs drinking lemon tea.
Gonzo & friends	
Jamboree! (Jamboree!)
Jamboree! (Jamboree!)
 	
Gonzo 	Find where you hide and look inside, and
Gonzo & friends	
You've got a jamboree (ee ee ee ee…)
Gonzo 	
If all you know are bad times,
If all you see are walls,
If you get your news from the scuffs on your shoes,
Then that won't help at all.
 'Cause you've gotta see penguins throwing popcorn,
Chickens on a well-dressed moose — hi girls!
And you gotta see rats floating by on pink balloons,
And fuzzy things on the loose.
 	The duck, pigs and cows re-emerge.
Gonzo & friends	
Jamboree! (Jamboree!)
Jamboree! (Jamboree!)
Gonzo 	Find where you hide and look inside, and
Gonzo & friends	
You've got a jamboree (ee ee ee ee…)
Gonzo 	
Well, you go run from thunder, and you stay away from rain,
But I'll be looking at the colors in the puddles to see my jamboree.
Gonzo & friends	
Jamboree! (Chocolate cakes!)
Jamboree! (Bells on snakes!)
Gonzo 	
Some people give up, some people get out, but me? Hoo-hoo-hoo!
I'm a jamboree!
Gonzo & friends	(cheering)
Jamboree! Jamboree!
Jamboree! Jamboree!
 	
 	The rest fade out of the room, and so does the music.
Gonzo 	
Jamboree! Jamboree!
Me, I'm a jamboree.
The rest 	Yeah!
 	They all continue cavorting. Applause.
Waldorf 	I've seen wars started over less than that.
Statler 	Wrong, there's nothing less than that.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo and his menagerie walk by.
Kermit	OK, nice one.
Floyd 	Hey, good boppin', baby. (laughs)
Kermit	Yeah, very cute, very cute. Uh, sick but cute.
Floyd 	Sick but cute?
Kermit	Mmm-hmm.
Fozzie	Uh, you guys are talking about me, huh?
Kermit	Uh, uh, no.
Floyd 	Uh, yeah. (laughs)
Kermit	Floyd!
Fozzie	Hey, Kermit, Kermit, it's all riiiiight. It's no problem. I can take it.
Kermit	Well, I don't know if I can take it. Uh, listen, Fozzie, are you ready to do your monologue now?
 	He clears his throat like he's about to make a speech. He clears a part of Kermit's desk so he can slap it.
 	
Fozzie	No! No! I am not... Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm through with all that! I do not need to buy friends with laughter, anymore. No, no. I am about to meet my … (takes off his hat) … true self.
Kermit	Uh... of course you are.
Fozzie	Yes.
Kermit	Well, I, I hope you'll be very happy together.
Fozzie	Thank you.
Floyd 	(laughs)
Kermit	I'll just go cancel your act for tonight.
Fozzie	Well, I'm sorry about that.
Kermit	Don't worry, we've all got our problems here. (walks to the stage)
Fozzie	Yep, that's show biz. (to Floyd) See, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
Floyd 	Yeah, that was our problem too. (laughs)
==At the Dance==
 	Kermit takes center stage.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, due to the indisposition of Fozzie Bear, there will be no comic monologue on this show.
 	The audience cheers loudly.
 	
Fozzie 	Scooter, they... They want me! They... They like me! THEY NEED ME! (rushes out) Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!
Scooter 	Fozzie …!
Kermit 	And so, on with The Muppet Sh—
Fozzie 	Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!
Kermit 	Fozzie, what are you doing here?
Fozzie 	My monologue. Haaaaaa.
Kermit 	But, but you were supposed to meet your true self.
Fozzie 	I just met him.
Kermit 	What's he like?
Fozzie 	He's shallow, insecure and needs to buy friends with laughter.
 	The "At the Dance" music begins to play.
Kermit 	Ah! It's too late! Get off! Get off!
Fozzie 	What?! What?!
 	Kermit takes Fozzie off-stage. The curtain opens on couples dancing in a ballroom.
Fozzie 	(off-screen) Kermit, let go, they want me! (emerges) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Uh, did you hear the one about the nut who joined the Army?
Pig dancer 1 	Sure. They made him a kernel. (laughs)
Pig dancer 2 	What, that old chestnut? (laughs)
Fozzie 	Wait, hey! Hey! You just cut that out, you pigs! Hey, speaking of pigs, what do you get when you cross an Eskimo and a pig?
Fleet Scribbler	Oh, that's easy. You get a polar boar. (his partner laughs)
 	
Fozzie 	What is going on... Whoa!
 	Two monks bump into him, sending him stumbling off-stage.
Fozzie 	Move! Look out! Move that bucket!
 	He crashes into a bucket off-screen.
Monk 1 	Hey, do you do all the cooking in the monastery?
Fozzie 	(off-screen) Hey! Hey, I was gonna do that one!
Monk 2 	No, I only cook the potatoes.
Monk 1 	You only cook the potatoes?
Fozzie 	(stumbles back with his foot in the bucket) Wait! I'm doing this one! Uh...
Monk 1 	You only cook the potatoes? What do they call you?
Fozzie 	The fryer! ("friar")
Monk 2 	No, the chip-monk.
 	They both laugh. Fozzie facepalms himself.
==UK spot==
 	Kermit stands behind a fancy wall.
Kermit 	Uh, from time to time, I like to have chat with some of the different members of The Muppet Show so you'll get to know them better. Tonight, I'll be talking with one of your favorite acts, Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphones.
 	He encounters Marvin whacking the little fuzzballs, who yelp "OW".
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me, Marvin. I know you're rehearsing, but uh, could I talk to you for a few minutes?
Marvin Suggs 	But of course-ah, Mr. Kermit-ah! Any s'ing.
 	
Marvin Suggs 	(to the Muppaphones) Take-ah four.
Orange ball 1	Five. (gets whacked) Ow!
Marvin Suggs 	Four!
 	The little fuzzballs quiver.
Kermit 	Uh... uh... Marvin, the question that most people ask...
 	
Marvin Suggs 	Oh, zee answer is-ah, mutual love-ah and-ah respect. Zee Muppaphones, zey adore me!
 	The little fuzzballs mumble indistinctly.
Marvin Suggs 	Shut up!
Kermit 	Uh, Marvin, are these...
Marvin Suggs 	Yes!
Kermit 	Are these the original Muppaphones?
Marvin Suggs 	Oh, no. I 'ave to replace zem every two or s'ree months. Zey go flat.
Kermit 	Uh, you mean they get off-key?
Marvin Suggs 	No, flat. (he whacks them again) Like little-ah pancakes. (bows) S'ank you!
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, well, uh, what happens to them then?
Marvin Suggs 	I don't-ah s'ink you want to know.
Kermit 	Uh, yes...
Marvin Suggs 	Yes!
Kermit 	Uh, well, uh, Marvin, I was wondering, can I talk to the Muppaphones?
Marvin Suggs 	But of course! (to the fuzzballs) Ze little-ah froggy want to talk to you. Be nice.
Muppaphones 	(mumbling)
Kermit 	Uh, Muppaphones, I'll ask you the question most people ask, is, does it hurt?
Pink ball 	Um, is Marvin still here?
Marvin Suggs 	Right 'ere!
 	The little fuzzballs quiver.
Pink ball 	Uh, no.
Marvin Suggs 	Of course it does-ah not-ah hurt-ah. I am not a cruel man.
Muppaphones 	(groaning)
Marvin Suggs 	Shut up!
Kermit 	Uh, Marvin...
Marvin Suggs 	Please continue.
Kermit 	Yes, you were telling me how compassionate and sensitive you are.
Marvin Suggs 	Yes-ah, but I should-ah get-ah back-ah to rehearsal-ah.
Orange ball 2	Oh, come on, Marvin, how about some time off?
Marvin Suggs 	How aboutah some croquet?
 	He proceeds to play croquet with the little fuzzballs. Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie looks sad.
Fozzie 	(sigh) I wish I had the nerve to meet Raquel Welch.
Scooter	Oh, you should, Fozzie. She's terrific.
 	
Scooter	She kissed me right here.
Fozzie 	Scooter, I know she kissed you. You told me four times she kissed you. Why don't you go have your cheek bronzed?
Scooter	Touchy, touchy. (exits)
Fozzie 	Well, she didn't kiss... Oh.
 	Raquel comes out of her dressing room, looking at Fozzie from afar.
Fozzie 	Hey, wait a minute, I can handle this, I can cope with it. I am an important bear. I am capable, I am poised...
Raquel 	Hiya, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	(stammers) I am... I am... ma-ma-ma-hummana-hummana …
Raquel 	Hi. I've been looking all over for ya.
Fozzie 	M... m...
Raquel 	Uh-huh. Come here a second.
Fozzie 	(stammering)
Raquel 	Did you know, that one of the main reasons that I wanted to do The Muppet Show was just so I could meet you?
Fozzie 	(stammering)
Raquel 	Is something wrong?
Fozzie 	No... (stammers) I can't talk about it.
 	Music swells up.
Raquel 	Just put your head on my shoulder here.
 	The lights dim as she sings.
Raquel 	
Confide in me.
Rely on me.
And I will ty to satisfy
Your every need
Through the day
 'Till we say …
Fozzie 	(she strokes his ear) Don't do that, please.
Raquel 	Goodbye…
Oooh … take it slow,
Easy go.
Any friend would recommend
The starlight show.
On a night like this,
I insist you try.
 	
Fozzie 	Oh, oh, Raquel, you are terrific.
Raquel 	On the contrary, Fozzie, you're the one that's terrific.
Fozzie 	Me?
Raquel 	Uh-huh. You know, just being here, kind of close to you, I've noticed that you're really very charming.
Fozzie 	Charming?
Raquel 	Mmm-hmm. And even witty.
Fozzie 	(confident) And even witty.
Raquel 	In fact, I think you're very sexy.
Fozzie 	Say again.
Raquel 	I think you're sexsational.
Fozzie 	(wiggles his ears) Ahh.
 	She cradles him.
 	
Raquel 	
Mmm, take your time,
And you will find
A smiling face,
A warm embrace,
A sympathetic mind
To do it right
Confide in me
Tonight
Woh, oh, oh, oh
Fozzie 	Woh, ho, ho, ho…
Raquel 	Confide in me tonight.
Fozzie 	Oh, Raquel! Oh, Raquel! Oh, I feel so confident now. You've made a complete bear out of me. Oh, yes! Yes!
Raquel 	Um, Fozzie...
Fozzie 	Yes, sweetheart.
Raquel 	Do you... Do you think there's a…
Fozzie 	Yes, baby, say it!
Raquel 	...even the slightest possibility that...
Fozzie 	Yes!
Raquel 	...you might want to go to my dressing room… and… have a cup of tea?
 	
Fozzie 	(sheepish) You... You and me?
Raquel 	Uh-huh.
Fozzie 	... Could I bring a friend?
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef waving utensils. A nervous chicken sits on the cutting board. He hits the chicken's head as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef	(singing in mock Swedish) … børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the utensils. The chicken cowers.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) …de chickëe in de båskët. Of cøürse, hëre de little chickëe.
 	
Swedish Chef	Ånd øver hëre, de båskët.
 	The chicken runs away; the Chef chases her.
Swedish Chef	Hey, chickëe! Oh, cøme båck hëre, chickëe!
 	He catches the chicken, dribbling her like a basketball. He shoots her into the hoop, and she lands in the pot. He carries the pot to the table.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) de chickëe … Thåt twø pøïnts.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie rushes up to Kermit with a piece of paper.
Fozzie	Kermit! Kermit! Kermit! Oh, listen, you've gotta read this!
Kermit	What? You're still on the assertive kick, Fozzie?
Fozzie	Well, kind of, but listen, Kermit, you are gonna love this. I have just written the greatest joke in the world! It's the all-time comedy classic. Kermit, in the history of show business, there has never been, or will there ever be, a joke this funny. Here, read it, go ahead, read it. Ahhh. Yeah.
 	Kermit looks over the paper.
 	
Fozzie	Ahhh?
Kermit	It's not funny.
Fozzie	I got a better one. (dashes off)
==Dressing room==
 	Piggy approaches Raquel in her dressing room.
Miss Piggy	Uh, excuse moi, Raquel. I just wanted to come by and welcome you to my show.
Raquel 	Why, thank you, Miss Piggy, but, I understood that you weren't too uh, well, happy about me being on the show.
Miss Piggy	Oh— where did you ever get that idea?
Raquel 	Well, believe me, I understand. After all, it is your show, and I'm just a guest here.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Raquel, Raquel, Raquel! The burdens of being an international sex goddess.
Raquel 	Yes, well, I suppose.
Miss Piggy	It must be nearly as tough for you.
Raquel 	Mmm-hmm.
Miss Piggy	You know, sometimes, I really feel like renouncing the whole thing, the whole image.
Raquel 	Yes, me too. It gets to be kind of a bore, doesn't it?
Miss Piggy	Mmm-hmm.
 	
Raquel 	Oh, but there's still a lot of joy left in being a woman. Don't you agree?
Miss Piggy	Mmm-hmm.
Raquel 	And I plan to gather up all I can while it lasts. (grins)
Scooter 	Oh, Raquel? Stand by for your solo number.
 	A beat.
Miss Piggy	Solo?
Raquel 	Yes. You don't mind, do you?
Miss Piggy	Of course not. I... I... Oh, is that the costume for the solo number? How sweet.
Raquel 	Thank you. They made it especially for me.
Miss Piggy	Oh, uh, especially pour vous. Hmm, how très très happy I am pour vous.
Raquel 	Oh, merci beaucoup, Miss Piggy. Vous ç'est très enchantez avec moi.
Miss Piggy	Yeah, yeah, whatever. Uh, I, uh... I think I shall go now to be up close where I can really see you.
Raquel 	Why, thank you. In the front row?
Miss Piggy	Closer than that.
 	She exits. Raquel looks confused.
=="I'm a Woman"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our wonderful and indescribable, fantastic guest star... Is she... Is she ready yet?
Voice behind curtain	Who?
Kermit 	Raquel.
Voice behind curtain	Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, Raquel Welch!
 	Open on Raquel standing on a proscenium.
Raquel 	
I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have 'em hangin' out on the line.
I can starch and iron two dozens shirts 'fore you can count from one to nine.
 	Piggy approaches her, wearing a matching outfit.
Miss Piggy 	
Well, I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippin's can,
Throw it in the skillet, go out and do my shopping, and be back before it melts in the pan!
Piggy & Raquel 	
 'Cause I'm a woman!
W-O-M-A-N!
Like to say it again.
Raquel 	I can rub and scrub this house till it's shinin' just like a dime.
Miss Piggy 	Feed the baby, grease the car and powder my face, all at the same time.
Raquel 	
I can get all dressed up, go out and swing till 4 A.M. and then,
Lay down at 5:OO, jump up at 6:OO and start all over again!
Piggy & Raquel 	
 'Cause I'm a woman!
W-O-M-A-N!
Raquel 	Like to say it again.
Miss Piggy 	Ha, ha! Yes, we would!
Raquel 	If you come to me sickly you know that I'm gonna make you well.
Miss Piggy 	If you come to me hexed up, you know I'm gonna break the spell..
Raquel 	
If you come to me hungry you know I'm gonna fill you all full of grits.
If it's lovin' you're lackin' I'll kiss you and give you the shiverin' fits.
Miss Piggy 	Oh yes!
Piggy & Raquel 	
 'Cause I'm a woman!
W-O-M-A-N! (Whoo!)
Like to say it again.
Raquel 	I can stretch a greenback dollar bill from here to kingdom come.
Miss Piggy 	I can play the numbers, pay the bills and still end up with some.
Raquel 	Uh-huh.
I got a 20 dollar gold piece says there ain't nothing I can't do.
I can make a dress out of a food sack …
 	
Miss Piggy 	You can what?
Raquel 	I said I can make a dress out of a food sack.
Miss Piggy 	What do you do with a food sack dress?
Raquel 	Well honey, I can make anything look good.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yes!
Piggy & Raquel 	
 'Cause I'm a woman!
W-O-M-A-N! (Ha-ha!)
Like to say it again. (Hoo-hoo!)
 'Cause I'm a woman!
W-O-M-A-N!
Raquel 	W-O…
Miss Piggy 	Ahem! P… I…
Piggy & Raquel 	G.
And that's all!
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, we've done everything we had planned to do, so I seriously suspect that this is the end. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star, Miss Raquel Welch, yaaaay! All right! Oh, wow! Oh, yeah!
Raquel 	Oh, thank you very much, Kermit. I had a wonderful time, but I don't think I changed my image.
Fozzie 	Hey, Raquel, sweetie, baby, wanna go tell a joke together? Ahhh.
Kermit 	Uh, you may not have changed your image, but I think you may have changed ours.
 	
Fozzie 	Aaaahhh.
Kermit 	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie 	Bye-bye!
 	The Muppets gather around as the credits roll.
Statler	Have you ever thought there must be life after death?
Waldorf	Every time I leave this theater.
 	They chuckle. Statler collapses.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts