For All Eternity

Death. It's weird to think about, isn't it? No one knows for sure what happens after you have passed out of this world. Is there a Heaven? A Hell? Do you come back as a different being? Or is there simply nothing? Well, I can tell you for certain that none of these are true.
I was rather old when my miserable life finally came to an end. I want to say that I was somewhere around the age of 50, although it has been so long since I died that I can hardly recall.
It was a suicide, just in case you were wondering. My life wasn't horrible by any means though. I had a decent paying job as an electrician in a large office building, and I lived in a small, peaceful neighborhood outside the city with my cat. Her name was Sheba. I had a few buddies that I went out drinking with every now and then, although I was sure that they would get on just fine without me. Like I said, not horrible. But I had always felt that living was rather pointless.
I wasn't depressed by any means. I simply felt that there was nothing left to stay around for. I was also very curious. I'd always had a fascination with the unknown, and I had been anxious for a long while now to find out just what would happen after my light had been extinguished. Had I known what my fate was going to be, I would never have done what I did.
It was on a Saturday night when I did it. I grabbed a razor blade from my tool box and sat down on my patio. I held Sheba in my lap, stroking her gently while she purred. It was a pity that I was leaving her behind, but I was sure that my sister would gladly take her in. She loves cats. I tilted my head up to feel the cool, late summer's breeze on my face. I even felt a tear begin to well up in the corner of my eye. This was it.
I grabbed a firm hold of the blade and slashed open my left wrist. I winced a bit as it cut deeper and deeper, but the pain was somewhat refreshing. As the blood began to pour out of my veins, I could already feel my energy begin to ebb. I cut again, and again. Sheba was still on my lap, blissfully unaware that the man who had raised her since kitten hood was about to leave forever. I felt my eyes begin to droop. "This is it," I thought with a chill, "I'm really doing this."
I almost regretted my decision as I began to fade away. Almost. My curiosity still overpowered everything else. As my pulse grew weaker, and as the blood flow to my brain decreased, I found myself thinking some very strange things. I thought about black, shapeless blobs watching me from my flower bed. I imagined the sky turning a bright shade of violet, and black clouds that seemed to be falling to earth. 
As I let out my final breath, I expected myself to drift off into blackness, as if entering a deep, eternal sleep. My vision did indeed go black. However, I found myself still aware of my surroundings. I still heard the roar of the cars that drove by in front of my house. I heard the rustling of the wind in the trees and the sounds of a television next door. 
My lungs started to scream for air. I tried to take a breath, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I willed myself to take one simple breath, my body would not respond. I began to panic. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to fade away, or be carried into the afterlife. I even found myself thinking that Hell would be preferable to this total paralysis.
Eventually the pain in my chest subsided and I could feel a great darkness enveloping my body. I wanted to sigh with relief. That feeling was quickly replaced by a sense of dread as shapes began to form in my head. 
I could feel a dark presence working its way into my brain. It seemed to be filling my mind with raw pain and terror. I wanted to scream. I wanted to flail my arms at whatever this invisible force was. But of course, nothing happened. I couldn't feel my body.
Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? When your body is sleeping, but your mind is not? And no matter how hard you will your body to move, it just won't budge? Imagine the panic that you felt then. That doesn't even come close to the absolute terror I felt now. 
The shapes began to whisper into my ear. They whispered words about my past. They whispered things about me that even I had long forgotten. They whispered words about creation, and destruction, and love, and fear. Words that would make the manliest, toughest of men break down into tears. Words that would make the smartest of men lose their minds.
And for all eternity they whispered. I forgot about my life completely as my thoughts were replaced by the secrets of the universe. The secrets of an existence beyond our universe. Secrets of a time before our universe, and after our universe. 
And for all eternity I drifted. Alone with the voices. 
Death. It's not a release. And it is inevitable. Those who are smart are right to fear death. But it won't do them any good. Because in the end, we all must leave behind the comfortable, ignorant place we call home. And we must let the darkness take hold of us... For all eternity.
Category:Theory
Category:Mental Illness