Testicular Cancer

Testicular Cancer is the fifth episode of Full Server. In it, Zoltan dies, and Bot does everything she can to bring him back.
==Transcript==
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
Narrator: Previously on Full Server…
Zoltan: You know, all of this happiness makes me have to piss, I’ll be right back everyone.
[Zoltan goes to the toilet]
Narrator: That’s all you need to know.
[The next episode begins. Cut to the living room. Applause and cheers.]
SpongeBot: So yeah, that's why I have twenty three counts of fourth-degree murder.
Zoltan: YOU WHAT?
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Oh hey, welcome back Zoltan. Did you have a nice piss?
Zoltan: It was great actually. By the way, have you ever killed any Romanians? As- Asking for a friend.
SpongeBot: Oh no, this was all in a dream I had.
Zoltan: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT
[Laugh track.]
Narrator: Zoltan is supposed to be dead.
Zoltan: Wait what the fuck?
Narrator: Jesus Christ, I don’t get paid enough for this.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Oh yeah, I am supposed to die. 
[Zoltan fucking dies]
SpongeBot: I don't think that's how it works.
Narrator: Zoltan died of testicular cancer.
SpongeBot: Oh that explains it. HOLY CRAP! ZOLTAN IS DEAD!
CrazySponge: Well it was bound to happen eventually.
[A houses crushes CrazySponge]
SpongeBot: oh god oh fuck
[Laugh track. Pluto walks in. Applause and cheers.]
Pluto: Hello everyo- Woah ass ahoy, Zoltan fucking died!
SpongeBot: Huh I hadn’t noticed.
[Doorbell rings.]
SpongeBot: Who’s ringing the doorbell during my husband’s death?
[SpongeBot opens the door to find Zoltan’s Mum. Applause and cheers.]
Zoltan’s Mum: How’s my least favorite in-laws?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Ma'am I hate to break it to you but your son is dead.
Zoltan’s Mum: Nonsense, he is probably on his period.
SpongeBot: You want to smell his corpse?
Zoltan's Mum: mmmmmm yes
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: He's right over there. [points to a dead Zoltan, and his mum sniffs him]
Zoltan's Mum: DEAR GOD, HIS PERIOD HAS GOTTEN WORSE!
[Laugh track]
God: Someone called?
SpongeBot: Not now God.
[Laugh track. God disappears.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Wait, why didn’t you ask him to make Zoltan not be on his period?
[Jess walks in. No one applauds or cheers.]
Jess: Hello every- what’s up with Zoltan?
Zoltan's Mum: period
[Laugh track.]
Jess: I dunno he looks dead to me.
Zoltan’s Mum: I must call his brother, he must hear this.
Jess: Dad has a brother?
[Tan walks in. Applause and cheers.]
Tan: Have you heard about this producer named Dan Schneider? God, I hope he isn’t a pervert.
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Good morning, Tan. Your brother is dead.
[Laugh track.]
Tan: WHAT?! Which one? I have like 30.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Zoltan.
Zoltan: I am dead.
Zoltan’s Mum: Shut up, you are dead.
Zoltan: Oh right. [dies again]
SpongeBot: God damn it God.
God: [shrugs]
[laugh track]
Tan: I can’t believe it… first Suzy Sheep and now my own brother!
Jess: So how can we bring Zoltan back?
SpongeBot: Wait a second, I just remembered something that nobody remembers about. Aren't you Luz from the Owl House?
Jess: I don’t even know anymore.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Can't you like try using your witchy powers to bring Zoltan back to life?
Jess: Well… I can try, but I don't make any promises.
Pluto: Maybe we need to make a deal with the Grim Reaper or something.
Director: Cut-cut. [Walks over to Pluto] What the fuck, you couldn’t wait to say that? Where was the suspense? Alright, let’s redo that. Action.
Pluto: yeah I'm not redoing that scene. Anyway, what do you guys think?
[Elmo 5 crawls in]
Elmo 5: Dadda?
Pluto: I’m gonna go to sleep for a very long time, because the director will kill me if I don’t. Goodbye everyone.
Jess: Sweet dreams, lesbianator prince.
Pluto: I’m your husband.
Jess: Right, I totally remembered that.
[laugh track]
Jess: Anyway like I was saying, I could try to use my magic to bring Zoltan back. [she pulls out a magic spell book and pages through it] Aha! The revival spell.
Zoltan’s Mum: You idiot he's supposed to be dead.
Jess: Not for long, hopefully. 
Elmo 5: I want my dad back, and yes, I can unironically speak in full sentences.
Jess: Shut up infant. It's time for the revival spell. Here goes… Quamvis XIII cento hominum conplectatur, nigri LIII cento criminis committunt!
[The spell doesn’t work, as Zoltan is still dead, but we hear a loud Hoopla down the street.]
SpongeBot: You just killed Aidan!
Jess: oh god oh fuck
[Laugh track because CrazySponge dying is still funny in 2022 apparently.]
Tan: You guys still do that?
Jess: Wait, isn't there a series about him dying or something?
SpongeBot: We don’t talk about that.
Tan: Huh, apparently the series is still going and it is now run by Zoltan and airs on Zig-Zag. You should probably check it out.
[Laugh track because we became an ad]
[Existant walks in]
Existant: i'm a communist and my dad is a nazi.
Tan: OFF TOPIC!
[laugh track]
Elmo 5: Mommy, is daddy dead?
SpongeBot: No, he’s… invisible.
Elmo 5: Do you think I’m [FANDOM CENSORED]?
SpongeBot: Well yes but, he’s invisible.
[laugh track because r word funny]
Fandom: HEY! NO SLURS!
[laugh track because Fandom]
SpongeBot: I've already been globalled before, just take me in already.
Elmo 5: Don’t worry, with my autism powers I can revive Zoltan.
SpongeBot: Wait really?
Elmo 5: Yeah, but I need some ice cream to do it.
SpongeBot: There's always some in the fridge.
Elmo 5: Yay thanks mommy!
[Elmo 5 opens the fridge to find no ice cream]
Elmo 5: Mom you lied to me! There's no ice cream in here!
SpongeBot: I wonder who ate it last?
[Jess walks in again, eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream.]
Jess: Mmmm, guys this chocolate ice cream is delicious. Clearly the perfect winter snack.
[laugh track] 
SpongeBot: YOU EEJIT! YOU ATE ALL THE ICE CREAM!
Jess: Zoltan would be so mad right now.
[Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Well fuck me, where are we supposed to get more ice cream from?
Jess: I dunno, Tesco?
SpongeBot: We’re banned from there, remember?
Jess: How the fuck does someone get banned from Tesco?!
SpongeBot: Remember the turkey incident?
[Laugh track. They all hear someone speaking French in the distance]
SpongeBot: Oh no… not the French!
Le French Guy: Bonjour, bitches!
[Laugh track because French is funny.]
Jess: I hate to ask you out of all people but, do you have any ice cream?
Le French Guy: Oui I do! Le special French ice cream, hoh hoh! But first, you must do me a favor. 
SpongeBot: I dread what this favour is.
Le French Guy: J'ai besoin de baguettes.
SpongeBot: Je ne parle pas français.
[laugh track]
Le French Guy: I need baguettes you connard.
SpongeBot: Oh I see. Isn't that just bread but French sounding?
Le French Guy: No, baguettes are special and different from other kinds of bread. 
SpongeBot: Yeah whatever. I'll just go to the supermarket or something, be right back.
[One trip to the supermarket later…]
SpongeBot: Okay here's the stupid baguettes you requested. [hands Le French Guy the bag of baguettes]
Le French Guy: Yum!
[He eats one]
Le French Guy: This is very dry. Can you give me some German sausage?
SpongeBot: I thought you were French.
Le French Guy: Well yes, but I tried some of Mike’s sausage once and it tasted great!
[Laugh track because gay]
SpongeBot: Well I guess I'll just ask the man himself. Is Mike even still here?
Mike: Yes, you called?
SpongeBot: Could we have some of your German sausage?
Mike: That sounds hella sus not gonna lie.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: I'm serious.
Mike: Well fine, but first, can you sell one of my paintings?
[pause]
SpongeBot: *sigh* Yes…
Mike: Fuck yeah!
SpongeBot: Wait I didn’t know you were an artist.
Mike: Oh yeah, I went to art school actually.. or at least I got rejected from one.
SpongeBot: Aw. Which one?
Mike: The Academy of Fine Arts, Vienna, Austria.
[laugh track]
Elmo 5: Mommy, when can I eat my ice cream?
SpongeBot: Soon, go play in your room while I talk with your grandparents.
Elmo 5: Okay!
[Elmo 5 walks into her room where Elmo 3 and 4 are]
Elmo 5: Hi brothers 3 and 4!
Elmo 3: Why is this imbecile female here?
Elmo 4: I don’t know, she is so annoying.
Elmo 3: We have to get rid of her!
[Cut back to SpongeBot and Mike]
SpongeBot: So how am I going to sell one of your paintings anyway?
Mike: Just sell it to anyone, surely someone will want to buy it.
[Six hours pass, and no one buys Mike’s painting]
Mike: Verdammte Juden, why won’t anyone buy my painting?
SpongeBot: Maybe because your paintings look like the ass of a hippopotamus.
[laugh track]
Mike: THEY ARE NOT THE ASS OF A HIPPO, YOU HURE.
SpongeBot: Wait, I have an idea.
[SpongeBot takes a picture of Mike’s painting with her phone.]
SpongeBot: There. It’s an NFT now.
Mike: NOOOOOO
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: But I thought you liked NFTs.
Mike: BUT BUT BUT-
SpongeBot: How else am I supposed to sell it then?
Mike: Tan might buy it off of ya.
SpongeBot: *sigh* I’m gonna be here all day, aren’t I?
Mike: Ja, du bist.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: TAN!!!!
[Tan materializes out of thin air.]
Tan: Isn’t it funny that around the same time I started watching iCarly I also got a foot fetish?
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: Hey Tan, do you wanna buy this painting?
Tan: Was it on the set of iCarly?
SpongeBot: Um-
Tan: Is it a Bob Ross painting?
SpongeBot: …perhaps.
[laugh track]
Tan: Great! How much is it?
SpongeBot: I don’t know. I never thought I’d get this far.
Mike: How much you got?
Tan: Uh… I have one Chuck E. Cheese coin.
Mike: That works for me.
SpongeBot: GREAT! FINALL-
Tan: But I can’t buy it right now.
SpongeBot: FOR F*CK’S SAKE!
Tan: I have to finish this iCarly episode! But speaking of iCarly, could you buy me this Victorious DVD?
[pause]
SpongeBot: …and who the hell do I have to buy that from?
Tan: I dunno. Zoltan’s Mum used to buy them for me.
SpongeBot: Oh my fucking God. And where is Zoltan’s Mum?
Tan: Last I checked she was in the garden. She said something like “if fish can live underwater, then so can I!” And then she went into the pool.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Okay, I’m going to the pool.
[Cut to Elmo 3 and Elmo 4 planning]
Elmo 3: Okay, so we need to kill her somehow, but how?
Elmo 4: Woah there, 3, she is our sister! We can’t kill her!
Elmo 3: But she gets all the attention! It’s not fair!
Elmo 4: Maybe we should just get her out of this house.
Elmo 3: Of course! Let’s give her to another family!
Elmo 4: Well I didn’t really mean it like that, I just-
Elmo 3: You are a genius, 4!
Elmo 4: Well yes, I am.
[cut to SpongeBot walking out into the garden to find Zoltan’s Mum dead in the pool. Laugh track.]
SpongeBot: Hey… Zoltan’s Mum?
[pause]
SpongeBot: Zoltan’s Mum?
[pause]
SpongeBot: get free sex at sex dot com
[Zoltan’s Mum suddenly undies.]
Zoltan’s Mum: FREE SEX?
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: Oh it’s you. The bloody hell do you want?
SpongeBot: Do you have any Victorious DVDs I can have to give to Tan so I can sell a painting to him to get a German sausage from Mike to go with French Guy’s french baguette so I can buy some special ice cream from him to un-kill your son.
Zoltan’s Mum: Well that’s a bit excessive.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: But do you have one?
Zoltan’s Mum: I do believe I do, love.
SpongeBot: Oh thank fu-
Zoltan’s Mum: On one condition.
SpongeBot: …what’s the condition?
Zoltan’s Mum: Set me up with Scatman John and the DVD is yours.
[laugh track]
SpongeBot: You want me to make Scatman John fall in love with you so I can get a Victorious DVD?
Zoltan’s Mum: Do you want the DVD or not?
SpongeBot: They go for like £1.50 at CeX! This really isn’t that big of an ask!
Zoltan’s Mum: MAKE THE SCATMAN LOVE ME!
SpongeBot: JESUS CHRIST OKAY!
[cut to SpongeBot in a graveyard]
SpongeBot: Now where is he?
[She finds a grave with Scatman John written on it]
SpongeBot: Uh… I’m calling out from Scatland…
[Scatman comes back from death]
Scatman: I’m calling out from Scatman’s World!
SpongeBot: Hey John, want to date someone?
Scatman: Sure, what’s their name?
SpongeBot: Zoltan’s Mum.
Scatman: But what’s her real name?
SpongeBot: That is her real name.
Scatman: Well it’s a weird name, but I would still date her.
SpongeBot: GREAT!
[Cut to Elmo 5 in the living room with Jess]
Elmo 5: Jess, if we are in the living room why doesn’t dad just live again?
Jess: Because that’s called irony, young Muppet.
[Daddy Pig enters the room]
Daddy Pig: Hi everyone. I heard that Zoltan died, so I thought I would bring Suzy Sheep to be with him.
Jess: What?
Daddy Pig: I brought her dead body here.
[Laugh track]
Jess: But isn’t Suzy Sheep a lesbian?
Daddy Pig: Peppa has been very distraught at the death of her little girlfriend. It’s a shame her life had to end like this.
Narrator: To donate money for the Sheep family, go to www dot freesex dot com…
Daddy Pig: I will put the body right next to Zoltan.
[Daddy Pig puts mutton on a plate next to Zoltan; laugh track]
Jess: Oh wow, is that really her?
Daddy Pig: Yes.
Elmo 5: tasty!
Jess: NO ELMO! SUZY IS NOT FOOD!
Elmo 5: oh, but she smells delicious.
Jess: Daddy Pig, did you really have to put her dead body here?
Daddy Pig: Yes! Now I am going to be sleeping.
Jess: Great, I should do that too.
Elmo 5: I am going to play outside!
[Elmo’s 3 & 4 enter]
Elmo 5: Hi brothers!
Elmo 3: Enough chit-chat, you blasted buffoon.
Elmo 4: We’re here to sell you to another family.
Elmo 5: But isn’t slavery illegal?
Elmo 3: It isn’t slavery, but it may be illegal.
Elmo 5: That doesn’t sound good.
Elmo 4: Just… look! There’s ice cream in the bag!
Elmo 5: HOORAY!
[Elmo 5 jumps into the bag and the other Elmos grab it]
Elmo 3: We got her, let’s get this bag out of here!
[Cut to Scatman and Zoltan’s Mum dating]
Zoltan’s Mum: You are so beautiful!
Scatman: You are too, Zoltan’s Mum!
Zoltan’s Mum: Why thank you!
[They kiss, and Scatman dies]
Zoltan’s Mum: Why does this always happen?
[Cut to SpongeBot coming back into the house]
SpongeBot: Hey Tan, here’s the DVD you wanted.
Tan: Finally, so what did you want me to do?
SpongeBot: Buy the f*cking painting.
Tan: Okay, okay! Here’s your Chuck E. Cheese coin.
[Tan gives the coin to Mike]
Mike: I AM RICH! HERE’S THE PAINTING!
[Mike gives Tan the painting]
Tan: I am going to watch iCarly now.
[Tan disappears]
Mike: Oh, and here’s the Würst.
[Mike gives SpongeBot a sausage]
SpongeBot: GREAT! Now all I need to do is give it to French Guy!
[Cut to SpongeBot talking to French Guy]
French Guy: And you went through all that just so I can give you ice cream?
SpongeBot: Yeah.
French Guy: Well it’s almost done…
[SpongeBot waits for a few seconds]
SpongeBot: Is it done yet?
French Guy: Almost… and… any second now… it’s…FINISHED!
SpongeBot: FINALLY!
[SpongeBot grabs the ice cream and starts searching for Elmo 5]
SpongeBot: Elmo 5! Where are you?
[Elmo 3 appears]
Elmo 3: Mother, your daughter said that she is leaving this house to find a new family.
SpongeBot: WHAT?!
Elmo 3: She is no longer here.
SpongeBot: ELMO 5! HERE’S YOUR ICE CREAM!
[Elmo 5 appears]
Elmo 3: WHAT THE?!
Elmo 5: Ice cream!
[She eats all of it]
Elmo 5: That was quite tasty.
SpongeBot: So will you revive Zoltan now?
Elmo 5: Yeah. !vhri lg vnrg h'gR !kvvoh g'mlW !vpzdz vY .dlm gstri pzvkh R wzvw vsg lG
[Suzy Sheep comes back to life]
Suzy Sheep: Oh my God, I’m alive!
Jess: NO! THE PEPPA PIG ROLEPLAY BIBLE STATES: “Suzy Sheep mustn’t be alive.”
Suzy Sheep: Damn it. *dies*
[Laugh track]
Daddy Pig: WHA- SUZY SHEEP WAS ALIVE AGAIN?!
Jess: No, it was all a dream.
Daddy Pig: Oh okay. *falls asleep*
SpongeBot: Elmo 5, you revived the wrong person.
Elmo 5: oops
[The Grim Reaper appears]
Grim Reaper: Fucking hell mate, I’m tired of these accidental revivals. Can you people revive responsibly for once?
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Hi Grim Reaper.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Hello!
Grim Reaper: What do you want?
SpongeBot: Hmm… Do you have the soul of Zoltan?
Grim Reaper: Well yes, I do.
SpongeBot: GREAT! Can you give it to me?
Grim Reaper: Well… if you do me a favour.
Jess: Oh my God, you’re British.
SpongeBot: *sigh* What is it?
Grim Reaper: Give me the soul of Dead Squidward.
SpongeBot: …how?
Grim Reaper: Give me his credit card.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Okay…
[SpongeBot gives a fake credit card to the Grim Reaper]
Grim Reaper: Thank you!
SpongeBot: So can we get Zoltan’s soul back now?
Grim Reaper: Yeah.
[The Grim Reaper gives SpongeBot the soul of Zoltan]
SpongeBot: Goodbye!
Grim Reaper: Bye.
[SpongeBot takes the fake credit card back from the Grim Reaper as he leaves]
SpongeBot: Okay, with my Super Advanced Doxxing Device, I can get his full address just from his fingerprints!
[Laugh track. She scans the credit card.]
SpongeBot: Hmm… It seems that the Grim Reaper lives in… Vancouver!
[Laugh track.]
Jess: What?
SpongeBot: Canada is the last place I expected the Grim Reaper to live in.
Jess: So are we reviving Zoltan or?
SpongeBot: Oh right.
[SpongeBot throws Zoltan’s soul into his body, and he comes back to life]
Zoltan: I’M ALIVE AGAIN!
SpongeBot: YES!
Jess: Everyone! Look! Zoltan is back!
Elmo 5: I did this!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Sure…
[Liz enters]
Liz: Oh, hi Zoltan.
[Daddy Pig wakes up]
Daddy Pig: Is it Easter?
Zoltan: …no?
Daddy Pig: Well then I am going back home.
[Daddy Pig leaves]
SpongeBot: Well Zoltan, welcome back!
Zoltan: I need a drink.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Good ol’ Zoltan!
SpongeBot: Oh look, Suzy’s remains are still here. I am going to put them on the dinner table, I’m sure that this decision won’t result in hilarious consequences.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Yeah, I’m sure absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen because of this. Cheers!
[Laugh track and applause as the episode ends on a wide angle shot of the house.]
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:Transcripts
Category:Full Server
Category:PlutoIsAPineapple
Category:Episodes written by FireMatch
Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
Category:Thatjess
Category:FireMatch
Category:Zoltan40
Category:2020s