Episode 104: John Goodman/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Open on Andy and Randy looking at a wall lamp and holding some light bulbs.
Andy 	Okay ...
Randy 	What now? Uh ...
 	Pan over to John, relaxing on a couch wearing a robe and with cucumber slices on his eyes.
Clifford 	Yo, John, are you all ready for the show? Is there anything else I can get you?
John 	No, you guys have been great. Just what the doctor ordered.
Clifford 	(chuckles)
John 	(removes slices) I tell you, I've been so busy lately, if I didn't do a nice, relaxing show like this, I'd go crazy. And it is going to be relaxing, isn't it, Clifford? You promised me.
Clifford 	Oh, yeah, John. What could possibly go wrong?
 	Suddenly they hear electrical sparks. Andy and Randy have removed the lamp from the wall and are marveling at the live wires. John gets up and grabs them.
Andy & Randy	Ooh!
Andy 	Sparklers!
Randy 	Let's play with them!
Andy 	Yeah!
John 	Fellas, fellas! Get away from there!
Andy & Randy	Huh?
John 	You could be electrocuted.
Clifford 	Yeah, you guys could've been killed! You should thank Mr. Goodman for saving your little piggy skin.
Andy 	Thank you, Mr. Goodman!
Randy 	Yeah. Without our skins, we could never be naked.
Andy 	Oooh.
John 	That's all right, fellas. Hey, Clifford -- the ig-pays are a little upid-stay.
Clifford 	Mm-hm. (nods)
Andy & Randy	(gasp)
Andy 	He speaks the ancient tongue!
Randy 	Oh!
 	They start bowing at John.
Andy & Randy	E-way are not orthy-way! E-way are not orthy-way!
Clifford 	(to John) Welcome to my life. Uh, come on, John, I'll show you around the studio. (they leave)
Andy 	You know what?
Randy 	What?
Andy 	We must become Mr. Goodman's personal slaves because he saved our lives.
Randy 	Yes! If it wasn't for him, we might have been elocuted! Like this! (goes up to touch the wire)
Andy 	Oh, yes! Oh -- let me.
 	In another room, John and Clifford go over lines, when the lights flicker.
John 	"No, my man--"
 	The pigs' screams are heard.
Clifford 	What was that?
John 	I dunno. (sniff) Smells like bacon.
Clifford 	Sure does.
John 	(sniffs his armpit) Not me.
Clifford 	(sniffs his armpit) Not me.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star John Goodman! (yelps)
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening / Tales from the Vet==
 	Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator 	Here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford 	What's up, yeah. Good evening, good evening. And welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has families all around the world saying...
 	Switch to a family watching TV.
Family 	(simultaneously) I don't get it.
Dog (DG) 	I do. You see, they're making fun of all of you. And, uh...
 	They stare at him.
Dog (DG) 	Then never mind.
 	Back to Clifford.
Clifford 	Any hue, we're all very excited tonight because our guest star is Mr. John Goodman! (applause) Yeah! But to start the show off, here's the veterinarian of carrion, our very own Dr. Phil van Neuter!
 	Switch to a lab, with weird creatures squirming in cages.
Announcer 	It's time now for an extra-scary edition of... Tales from the Vet.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	(pops up) Heyyyy-hi-ho YOU! Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always! I am Dr. Phil van Neuter, your ... friendly veterinarian.
 	He pets a creature in a cage, which hisses and chomps at him.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh! Get away! -- Welcome to a special edition of... TALES FROM THE VET! (thunderclap) Oh! Oh, what is that? -- Every week, Mulch and I receive thousands and thousands of letters. Mulch, Mulch, the fan mail!
 	Mulch arrives with a bag of letters. Phil inspects them.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh, there you are. ... Come on, hurry up. ... Two letters? That's it?
Mulch 	(shrugs, growls)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	What do you mean, the rest were for you? You can't even read!
Mulch 	Aww... (exits)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Anyway, anyway... one of these letters intrigued me. And I quote... "Dear Dr. Phil, we hear you are married to Mulch's sister, the enchanting and bewitching Composta Heap. How did you meet? And can you please tell us in a song, preferably one by Thomas Dolby?" Well... if memory serves, I believe it went something like this...
 	Fade to a flashback of Phil meeting Composta in a college science lab.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	I was a young man studying taxidermy at Stufts University-- good ol' Stufts U-- when I met the beautiful Composta.
 	He sings "She Blinded Me With Science" as he and Composta start dancing around. She accidentally hits him while looking through the microscope.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh, my specimen -- ow!
 	She claps the erasers on him.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Ow! Oh! Oh, my glasses! Oh! Oh! Oh, yes...
 	Some creatures join in the song.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh, very good.
 	Phil startles Composta while she mixes liquids. They chase around the desk.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Come here, sweetie pie! Science! Come here, Composta! Science! Uh! Uh! Uh! Come here, come here! ... Science!
 	They make out as the song ends. Fade to the control room, where Nigel and the techie weep.
Techie (BB) 	I love a happy ending.
Nigel 	Me, too. So what's on now?
Techie (BB) 	Nothing.
Nigel 	Nothing? That's nice -- NOTHING?!? CUE THE ANNOUNCER FOR THE NEXT BIT! CUE!
==Operation Desert Rat==
 	Open on a rat battlefield. Rizzo, John Goodman and other rats are holed up in a foxhole.
A. Ligator 	North Africa, 1943. General Montgomery's desert rats are trapped behind enemy lines. What follows is the true story of the Rats' Patrol.
John 	It don't look good, fellas. The enemy cheese has us surrounded. Rats!
Rats 	Yes, sir!
John 	No, no, no. I meant...Shoot!
 	The rats fire their guns.
John 	No, no, no! Darn! And if any of you clowns pulls out a pair of socks, I'll slug ya.
Slug (KC) 	Did someone say "slug"?
John 	(shoves it) Get outta here.
Rizzo 	Hey, Sarge, enemy cheese approaching.
Cheese (DG) 	Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I am Swiss. We are neutral! I am going trench to trench selling army knives and bank accounts. You guys want anything?
Rizzo 	Hey, hey, hey, go on, get out of here before I put a few more holes in you, fondue-face.
 	The rats shove the cheese away.
Cheese (DG) 	Aah! Aah! Don't push me with that. Oops!
John 	I tell ya, I can't wait to get out of here.
Rizzo 	Yeah.
John 	Hey, Indiana.
Indiana Rat (JN)	Yeah. What's up, Sarge?
John 	What are you gonna do when you get outta here?
Indiana Rat (JN)	I know exactly what I'm gonna do. Yeah! I'm going to cook my girlfriend Jill, and then I'm going to marry me a nice juicy steak.
John 	Guess you never did visit that platoon psychiatrist I recommended.
Indiana Rat (JN)	Yes, I did. He was delicious.
 	The rats laugh.
John 	All right, let's just take it easy, real easy, and I'll get you guys out of here in one piece.
Rizzo 	(gasp) Incoming! Wahh!
 	They all duck. A missile hits the foxhole. They get up, coughing.
John 	Everybody okay?
Rizzo 	Hey Sarge, take a look at Indiana.
 	John glances and screams. The rat is now in half.
Indiana Rat (JN)	Sarge! You told me you was gonna get me home in one piece!
John 	(laughs) Boy, I was way off on that one, huh? (laughs) But don't worry. I'll get a message to that girl of yours, Jill.
Indiana Rat (JN)	Oh, forget Jill. Get a message to that steak! Tell her I... I couldn't think of a steak joke.
John 	That's it, fellas. We're going over the top to cream that cheese!
Rizzo 	For Indiana?
John 	No! For that steak! I'm starved! Starved, I tells ya!
 	He throws a grenade, picks up his machine gun and charges.
Rizzo 	Whoo-hoo!
John 	Charge!
 	The rats follow him out of the foxhole.
==Backstage==
Nigel 	Nice work, rats. Okay, repo camera three for Incredible Discoveries. Yeah, go on, get 'em!
 	John and the rats come off the set, laughing and palling around.
John 	It was great working with you guys. You guys are great. I thought the cheese was a little off, but you guys keep in touch, ya hear me?
 	Andy and Randy show up, wearing t-shirts with John's image on it, reading "OUR MASTER".
Andy 	Mr. Goodman, it's us. We are here to help you and be your slaves.
Randy 	Yeah!
John 	Oh, no thanks, fellas. I'm beat. I just want to go back to my dressing room and do one thing-- relax.
Andy 	Ooh!
Randy 	Good! Then we can bathe you in precious oils.
 	Andy holds up bottles of WD-40 and corn oil.
Andy 	Yeah! We have "40-wd" and corn! Heheh!
John 	(exhales) Okay, I'll play along. If you guys want to help me, why don't you, uh... press my suit?
Randy 	Oh! Okay!
 	They start touching John, who quickly becomes annoyed.
Andy & Randy	Press, press. Press. Press, press. Press, press. Yeah! Press, press. Press, press--
John 	Stop it. STOP IT!
Randy 	But you need our help.
Andy 	Yes. You keep forgetting things, like this. (holds up a grenade)
John 	Oh, no, you idiot! That's a live grenade!
Randy 	A what?
John 	A live grenade!
Andy 	A what?
John 	A live grenade--
 	BOOM! It explodes, leaving the pigs shaken and John on the ceiling.
John 	I'm, uh... not relaxing.
==Incredible Discoveries==
 	Open on a sign reading "Gonzo and Rizzo!"
A. Ligator 	And now it's time for Gonzo and Rizzo's...
Gonzo & Rizzo 	Incredible Discoveries!
Gonzo 	Ha ha! Hey there, and welcome to the show. I'm your host, the Great Gonzo. And this is my assistant...
Rizzo 	The reluctant Rizzo. (laughs)
Gonzo 	Are you all set, Rizzo?
Rizzo 	Well, I'm still not quite exactly sure what we're gonna be doing, but ...
Gonzo 	Great! Tonight's first incredible discovery is, if you put your nose into an electric pencil sharpener... Steady, steady, steady. Steady there.
 	He shoves Rizzo's nose into the sharpener. Rizzo ends up with a pointier nose.
Rizzo 	It hurts. Ohh!
Gonzo 	How's that for an incredible discovery? But, if you want to see a really incredible discovery--
Rizzo 	And I'm not sure that I do.
Gonzo 	Then watch this. (picks up some eels) If you put live electric eels down your pants... (does so)
Rizzo 	It hurts?
Gonzo 	No. Actually, it feels pretty good.
Rizzo 	Yeah, until they short out your pocket change.
 	Smoke rises from Gonzo's pants.
Gonzo 	Hoo hoo! Then it hurts! (screams, hops on one foot)
Rizzo 	Well, another incredible discovery. (laughs) Yeah.
Gonzo 	And now for our final incredible discovery. If you try to play catch with a wrecking ball--
Rizzo 	Whoa --
 	Gonzo is hit by a wrecking ball.
Rizzo 	It hurts. (laughs)
 	The wrecking ball hits Rizzo. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	I've got an incredible discovery.
Waldorf 	Yeah, what's that?
Statler 	When you watch this show ...
Statler & Waldorf	It hurts! (they chuckle)
==Fairyland PD==
 	Open on a sobbing Miss Muffet sitting outside a building. Bobo and Clifford approach her.
A. Ligator 	And now, another episode from the files of Fairyland PD. Tonight: "Curds A-weigh".
Clifford 	You the lady being harassed by a spider?
Miss Muffet	Yes. I'm Little Miss Muffet.
Bobo 	Uh huh. What happened, ma'am?
Miss Muffet	Well, I was sitting here, enjoying a lovely bowl of curds and whey ...
Clifford 	Mm-hm.
Bobo 	Uh, uh -- curds and what?
Miss Muffet	No, "whey".
Bobo 	Oh.
Clifford 	Okay, now some spider sat down beside you, and started coming on to you, right?
Miss Muffet	Yes. Is there anything you can do about it?
Bobo 	Oh, don't worry, sister. We'll take care of it.
Clifford 	Mm-hm.
Bobo 	(sips coffee)
 	Moments later, Bobo is in disguise as Miss Muffet. He tastes the curds and whey, and is disgusted. Clifford holds a bat.
Bobo 	(gags, spits) I wouldn't even feed that stuff to my cat!
Clifford 	He's coming. (hides)
Bobo 	Huh? Oh!
Clifford 	Shh!
 	Bobo acts nonchalant. The spider lowers himself.
Spider 	Hey, how you doin', sweet stuff? (puckers up)
Bobo 	(falsetto) Are you talking to me?
Spider 	Whoa, this is a delicious bowl of curds and whey you got here. Mind if I have a taste? -- Whoa!
 	The spider quickly dodges Clifford, who whacks Bobo with his club.
Clifford 	Oops. Uh ...
Bobo 	You idiot ... you idiot ... (faints)
Clifford 	I'm sorry, man, I'm ...
 	Moments later...
Bobo 	You're hittin' me?
Clifford 	I know, hit the spot and don't hit you, okay.
Bobo 	Yeah!
Clifford 	It won't happen again. Just calm your nerves, okay? (hides)
Bobo 	Okay, here he comes --
Clifford 	Oh. Ahem.
 	The spider, also dressed as Miss Muffet, lowers himself.
Spider 	(grunts)
Bobo 	Uh -- Miss Muffet? Uh, what are you doing here?
Spider 	I, uh, just came back for some curds and whey.
Bobo 	Oh, here, take it. I dunno how you can eat that slop.
Spider 	Hmm, thanks. (rises up with the bowl)
Bobo 	Sure.
 	Clifford whacks Bobo again.
Clifford 	Oh -- Bobo. You okay? I did it again, didn't I?
Bobo 	Guhhh ... (faints)
Clifford 	Uh ... um ...
 	Moments later...
Spider 	Oh, curds and whey, come to papa!
 	He is cornered by Clifford and Bobo.
Bobo 	Alright, gotcha!
Spider 	No, no, no, no, fellas, please! You gotta give me a break!
Bobo 	Huh? Wha -- yeah, that's what they all say.
Clifford 	Yeah.
Spider 	No no no no! You don't understand! I got 3,000 kids! And my wife, she's a black widow -- if I don't bring home dinner, I am dinner!
Clifford 	Gee, spider, we didn't know.
Bobo 	Yeah, hey, uh, hey, you can go.
Spider 	Oh, thanks -- suckers! (rises up with the bowl)
Clifford 	But --
Bobo 	O, what a tangled web we weave, when first we --
Clifford 	Aw, shut up! (whacks Bobo)
 	A beat.
Bobo 	... You know, I get the feeling that you kind of enjoy the-- (freezes, faints)
==Backstage==
 	Andy pampers John in the green room.
John 	Hey, you know, this scalp massage feels great. You guys are really helping me relax.
Andy 	Oh, good.
John 	Maybe I misjudged you guys.
Andy 	Well, we're sorry about blowing you up and driving your head into the main power lines. (continues)
John 	Oh! Oh. That's okay. It actually helped me clear my sinuses.
Andy 	Oh.
John 	Boy, that feels great. What kind of massage oil are you using?
Andy 	Oh, I'm not using oil. It's glue.
John 	(eyes widen) Glue?
Andy 	Well, yeah. That way, you never have to style your hair again.
John 	(yelps)
 	A knock on the door.
John 	What?
Randy 	I have your suit!
John 	Just leave it outside, please.
Randy 	I can't. They don't allow smoking in the hall.
 	Randy enters with a smoking, iron-burned suit.
John 	Oh! Not my suit! (cries)
Randy 	Yes, it is your suit.
John 	Oh, just get out! Please! I need to relax! I need some air!
Randy 	Oh! We'll get you some air.
Andy 	Yeah, we can do that.
 	They look around and start panicking.
Andy 	Uh, hey! ... Hey! Randy, we are trapped! We cannot get out of here!
Randy 	Ohh! Ohh! John! John, we can't find the get-out thingy!
John 	It's called a door. A door! And it's right there!
Randy 	Oh!
Andy & Randy	You saved our lives again! Thank you!
 	They start hugging him. He grabs his head and sits down.
John 	Get out! I don't want you as my slaves anymore!
Clifford 	Yo, yo, yo, John, what's going on?
John 	Clifford, you promised me this would be relaxing. I'm not relaxing! You promised me this would be fun. I'm not having fun. And-- (notices the glue in his hair) ... And I'm stuck.
 	He rips his hands off his head, yanking some of his hair out, and bawls.
==The Lunarmooners==
 	Applause as Clifford takes the main stage.
Clifford 	Yeah. Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Uh, John Goodman is having a really bad hair day right now, and can't come out. So we're going to fill some time with a little blast from the past. The year was 1969, and everyone was loony over the moon landing. That's why we did a little TV pilot with a young John Goodman called The Lunarmooners. Let's watch, shall we?
 	The monitor is lowered. A B&W clip is shown.
John 	Alison... I'm home.
Miss Piggy	Alf, shut the airlock. The atmosphere isn't free up here, you know.
John 	(shuts it) Don't you start with me, Alison. I had a tough day on the moon bus. The artificial gravity kept breaking down.
Miss Piggy	Gee, Alf, I thought you were big enough to have your own gravitational pull.
John 	Ho ho ho -- one of these days, Alison, bang, zoom! Right to the earth!
Miss Piggy	That would be my first trip since our honeymoon.
John 	Har-dee-har-har! Now if you don't mind, all I want to do is take off these moon boots and soak my aching asteroids.
Miss Piggy	Fine! Fine! I have to go change. I'm going to go shopping with Dixie and Mrs. Moonicotti. Door.
 	He opens the door for her as she exits. John peers out the window.
John 	Newton! Newton, get down here right now!
 	Fozzie enters through the main door.
Fozzie 	Sure thing, Alfie.
 	A startled John screams, as does Fozzie. John closes the window.
John 	What are you trying to do, Newton, give me a heart attack?
Fozzie 	Take it easy, Alfie boy. Hey, I just came down to give you the tickets you wanted. You know, to the Space Cadets' Ball.
John 	Aw, that's great, Newton. You're the best pal a guy ever had. Alison's gonna be so surprised.
Fozzie 	Hey, sure, Alfie boy. I got 'em right here in my vest. Right here-arooni. A-root a-doot doot--
John 	JUST GIVE ME THE TICKETS!
Fozzie 	Here you go.
Miss Piggy	Alf, is that Newton?
John 	Uh, why, no, dear. It's the, uh-- hummina hummina-- the delivery boy! Yeah, that's it.
Fozzie 	Th-that's right, Alison. I am not Newton. I'm only a delivery guy.
John 	(grabs him) Newton! Will you get out of here before she sees you?!
Fozzie 	Do I get a tip?
John 	GET OUT!
 	He throws Fozzie out the window and shuts it. Piggy enters.
John 	Out! Out! Get out!
Miss Piggy	Alf, Alf, could you help zip me up?
John 	Why, shouldn't you be getting into your ball gown, my dear? After all, tonight, we will be dancing on the sea of tranquillity.
 	He reveals the tickets.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Oh! Tickets to the Space Cadets' Ball? Oh, Alf, you charmer!
John 	Baby... you're the greatest.
 	Kissville. Meanwhile, Fozzie floats outside. The closing music plays.
Fozzie 	Hey, Alf! Alfie boy! I just remembered-- I can't breathe! There's no air out here! Allllff...
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	Well, there you go. There's nothing like good comedy.
Waldorf 	Nothing like it on this show.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	John ties a rope to the radiator, the other end going around his neck as he hangs out the window.
John 	Ha ha ha! Boy, this plan is brilliant. How'd I ever do so bad on my SATs? (feigning danger) Help! Help! Where are my slaves when I need them?
 	Andy and Randy enter.
Randy 	Uh, Mr. Goodman, we're coming in the room-entering thingy.
Andy 	Yes. We made falafel.
John 	Help, boys, help! I was, uh, cleaning my watch, when I slipped out the window. Oh, pull me back in and save me. Then we'll be even, and you won't have to help me anymore.
Randy 	Oh, no! Our master's in trouble!
Andy 	Let's throw him a life preserver.
 	They look around. Randy notices the radiator.
Randy 	Oh! How about this thing that makes our hands smoke and blister?
Andy 	Yeah!
John 	No, you idiots! Not the radiator!
 	They unmount the radiator, sending John falling out the window. Clifford enters.
Clifford	Hey. Where's John? Oh, please tell me he's relaxing.
Andy 	Uh, he is, Clifford. He's relaxing in a truckload of mousetraps.
 	They all look out the window at John, as snaps are heard.
John 	Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow!
Andy 	And one bear trap.
 	A loud snap is heard.
John 	OWW! Clifford!!
 	In the control room, Nigel frantically prepares for the next scene. Kermit enters.
Nigel 	Number one!
Kermit 	Hey there, Nigel. How's it going, huh?
Nigel 	Uh, well, uh, John Goodman just fell out the window, Clifford is trying to get a bear trap off his head, the producer's cat just got away, and THERE'S NOBODY ONSTAGE TO INTRODUCE JOHNNY FIAMA! (hyperventilates)
Kermit 	Gee. Sounds like a slow night. I'll go out and introduce Johnny.
Nigel 	GOOD GOOD GOOD! GO GO GO GO GO!! (calms) Oh, excellent. Line up, camera two for a standard opening at the archway. Can somebody get me a chamomile tea?
==Johnny Fiama / Carl==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you! Thank you very much. And now, Muppets Tonight is proud to present the oh-so-smooth stylings of Mr. Johnny Fiama! YAYYY!
 	Sal, dressed as a waiter, places a table and chairs behind Johnny, followed by a marble arch.
Johnny 	Thank you. Uh, you know, friends, with this being the year of the chick, in my mind, every day is Valentine's Day. And tonight we'd like to do something special, just for you. (sees the set) Well, now, what do you know? A table for two. How romantic. Yes. Uh, waiter. Waiter! Sal!
Sal 	Oh, oh, oh! (walks up to him) Yeah, Johnny? Oh! I mean, uh, customer?
Johnny 	Yes, thank you. Uh, would you be so kind as to choose a beautiful young lady from our audience to share a romantical, intimate dinner with me?
Sal 	I would be honored, waiter--I mean, Johnny. I mean--
Johnny 	All right, go.
 	Sal fetches a woman and shoves her onstage.
Sal 	Come on, you. You're coming onstage.
Clarissa	I'd really rather not!
Sal 	You'll have fun!
Clarissa	I don't even like his music.
Johnny 	Che bella! And-and what is your name, sweetheart?
Clarissa	Clarissa.
Johnny 	May we seat you, Clarissa?
Clarissa	No. Yes. I--
Sal 	(shoves her) Come right over here. Here's your chair waiting right here.
Johnny 	Isn't this a beautiful place?
Sal 	There you go.
Johnny 	Waiter. Waiter. Sal! Sal!
Sal 	Yes, yes.
Johnny 	The menu. That's right.
Sal 	(hands it to him) Here you go.
Johnny 	Ah! Veal, the meat of love. How romantic. Uh, we'll both have that.
Sal 	Okay. (leaves)
Johnny 	Ray? (cue the pianist) This is for you. (starts singing "Close to You")
Clarissa	I don't eat veal!
Johnny 	Excuse me?
Clarissa	I don't approve of the way they raise it.
Johnny 	What raise? What are you talking about, "raise"?
Sal 	Ahh, she's just on the same kick my sister is. Come here. You're going to sit right here, and you're going to eat that veal!
Johnny 	(continues singing)
Clarissa	(stands up) I'm not going to eat veal -- (punches Sal) -- and no monkey's going to make me! (exits)
Johnny 	Oh, nice work, Sal.
Sal 	Uh... Hey, Johnny, you know what? We don't need her. Look. Look. (sits at the table) How about I sit here and eat this veal, and you sing to me?
Johnny 	All right. (sings)
 	Rizzo and Clifford watch on the monitor.
Clifford	Yo, Rizzo, get another act on, pronto. I'm going to go check on John Goodman in the infirmary. (exits)
Rizzo 	Alright, okay. Who's got a suggestion what we can put onstage here?
Bobo 	Oh, uh, Rizzo, Rizzo. Uh, I have this amazing memory act that I do.
Rizzo 	Really? I didn't know you did that.
Bobo 	Oh, sure, sure. I did it on that show, um... Oh, wait. Hmm, what's it called? Yeah, you know, with the guy with the green, uh, what-do-you-call-it?
Rizzo 	Uh-huh. Uh, you know what? Uh, let's cue Carl the big mean bagpipe eater.
 	Carl comes onstage with bagpipes.
Carl 	Hi, I'm Carl. And now I'll eat these bagpipes.
 	He devours them, and lets out a discordant belch.
Carl 	Thank you!
==Closing number==
 	A scrub checks on an injured John in the infirmary.
Scrub (BB) 	Ah, Mr. Goodman. You'll be right as rain as long as you get some rest, and uh, don't think about those two stupid you-know-whats.
Andy & Randy	You mean us?
 	John screams as the "Psycho" music plays. He wakes up from a dream, still in bandages.
Clifford 	John, John, wake up, man. You're having a bad dream.
John 	Oh, man. It was horrible, Clifford. I dreamt I was doing the show, and I wound up in traction.
Clifford 	Well, as a matter of fact, you weren't dreaming. You are in traction. That's why I'm gonna go onstage and cancel your big number.
John 	No. No, wait, Clifford. I know I'm not 100%, but I think I can still do the number.
Clifford 	Now how you gonna do that?
John 	Like this.
 	Cue the music. John sings "Feelin' All Right" and is joined by Clifford, the scrub and a nurse. He gets out of bed and dons his "Blues Brothers" hat and sunglasses, and is joined by Andy and Randy, Rizzo, and other nurses and patients.
Clifford 	Yeah! Let's give a big round of applause to our guest star, Mr. John Goodman!
 	Applause.
John 	Thank you, Clifford, thank you very much, and all things considered, this is one of the worst experiences I have ever had.
Clifford 	That's what all our guest stars say.
John 	At least you're consistent. Good night, everybody.
Clifford 	Good night! Hit it!
 	The song continues.
==Epilogue==
 	A stagehand prepares the Roseanne set. John relaxes on the couch.
Stagehand (JN)	Hey, Mr. Goodman. Welcome back to the show.
John 	"John". "John". (chuckles) Yeah, it's great to be back on Roseanne. Those Muppets drove me crazy. Would someone get me a coffee, PLEASE?!
Andy 	We'll get it for you, master.
Randy 	Yeah. We work on this show now.
Andy 	Mm-hmm.
 	John screams. Andy and Randy scream. The credits roll.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts