Transcripts/The Middle Earth Paradigm

==Season 1 - Episode 06 - The Middle Earth Paradigm==
Scene 	Lobby of the apartment building, Howard, Raj, Sheldon and Leonard enter in combat gear, covered in blue paint.
Raj 	Okay, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paintball.
Howard 	That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard 	Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard 	Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard 	I think we have to acknowledge, those were some fairly savage pre-adolescent Jews.
Sheldon 	You know, we were annihilated by our own incompetence and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard 	Sheldon, let it go.
Sheldon 	No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard 	I shot you for good reason, you were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon 	I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard 	You hid behind a tree yelling “get the kid in the yarmulkah, get the kid in the yarmulkah.”
Penny 	(Arriving) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard 	Hello Penny.
Howard 	Morning ma’am.
Penny 	So, how was paintball, did you have fun?
Sheldon 	Sure, if you consider being fragged by your own troops fun. (To Howard) You clear space on your calendar, there will be an enquiry.
Penny 	Okay, um, oh hey, I'm having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by.
Leonard 	A party?
Penny 	Yeah.
Howard 	A boy-girl party?
Penny 	Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it'll just be a bunch of my friends, we'll have some beer, do a little dancing...
Sheldon 	Dancing?
Leonard 	Yeah, I don't know, Penny...
Sheldon 	The thing is, we’re not....
Leonard 	We’re really more....
Sheldon 	No.
Leonard 	But thanks, thanks for thinking of us.
Penny 	Are you sure? Come on, it's Halloween.
Sheldon 	A Halloween party?
Howard 	As in, costumes?
Penny 	Well, yeah.
Leonard 	Is there a theme?
Penny 	Um, yeah, Halloween.
Sheldon 	Yes, but are the costumes random, or genre specific?
Penny 	As usual, I'm not following.
Leonard 	He's asking if we can come as anyone from science-fiction, fantasy...
Penny 	Sure.
Sheldon 	What about comic-books?
Penny 	Fine.
Sheldon 	Anime?
Penny 	Of course.
Sheldon 	TV, film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods...
Penny 	Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye.
Howard 	Gentlemen, to the sewing machines.
Scene 	The apartment living room. There is a knock on the door.
Leonard 	(Off) I'll get it. (He enters, wearing a Flash costume. Opens door.)
Howard 	(Entering at speed, also wearing a Flash costume) Bjow (They stare at each other in shock.)
Leonard 	Oh, no.
Sheldon 	Oh no! (He is also wearing a Flash costume.)
Raj 	Make way for the fastest man alive. (Enters, also in a Flash costume.) Oh no!
Sheldon 	See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
Leonard 	We all have other costumes, we can change.
Raj 	Or, we could walk right behind each other all night and look like one person going really fast.
Howard 	No, no, no, it's a boy-girl party, this Flash runs solo.
Leonard 	Okay, how about this, nobody gets to be The Flash, we all change, agreed?
All 	Agreed.
Leonard 	I call Frodo!
All 	Damn!
Scene 	The same, later. Leonard is dressed as Frodo. Howard appears to be Peter Pan. There is a knock on the door.
Raj 	(Entering dressed as Thor) Hey. Sorry I'm late, but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard 	You went with Thor?
Raj 	What? Just because I'm Indian I can't be a Norse God? No, no, no, Raj has to be an Indian God. That's racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz, he's not English, but he's dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon (entering in a body suit featuring black and white vertical lines) is neither sound nor light, but he's obviously the Doppler Effect.
Howard 	I'm not Peter Pan, I'm Robin Hood.
Raj 	Really, because I saw Peter Pan, and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you, but it's basically the same look, man.
Leonard 	Hey, Sheldon, there's something I want to talk to you about before we go to the party.
Sheldon 	I don't care if anybody gets it, I'm going as the Doppler Effect.
Leonard 	No, it's not...
Sheldon 	If I have to, I can demonstrate. Neeeeoooowwwww!
Leonard 	Terrific. Um, this party is my first chance for Penny to see me in the context of her social group, and I need you not to embarrass me tonight.
Sheldon 	Well, what exactly do you mean by embarrass you?
Leonard 	For example, tonight no-one needs to know that my middle name is Leakey.
Sheldon 	Well, there's nothing embarrassing about that, your father worked with Lewis Leakey, a great anthropologist. It had nothing to do with your bed-wetting.
Leonard 	All I'm saying is that this party is the perfect opportunity for Penny to see me as a member of her peer group. A potential close friend and... perhaps more. I don't want to look like a dork.
Scene 	The hallway. Howard knocks on Penny's door with his bow.
Howard 	Just a heads up fellas, if anyone gets lucky I’ve got a dozen condoms in my quiver.
Penny 	(Opening door, not in costume) Oh, hey guys.
Leonard 	Hey, sorry we’re late.
Penny 	Late? It's 7
Sheldon 	And you said the party starts at seven.
Penny 	Well, yeah, when you start a party at seven, no-one shows up at, you know, seven.
Sheldon 	It's 7
Penny 	Yes. Yes it is. Okay, well, um, come on in.
Howard 	What, are all the girls in the bathroom?
Penny 	Probably, but in their own homes.
Sheldon 	So what time does the costume parade start?
Penny 	The parade?
Sheldon 	Yeah, so the judges can give out the prizes for best costume, you know, most frightening, most authentic, most accurate visual representation of a scientific principle.
Penny 	Oh, Sheldon, I'm sorry but there aren't going to be any parades or judges or prizes.
Sheldon 	This party is just going to suck.
Penny 	No, come on, it's going to be fun, and you all look great, I mean, look at you, Thor, and, oh, Peter Pan, that's so cute.
Leonard 	Actually, Penny, he's Rob...
Howard 	I'm Peter Pan! And I’ve got a handful of pixie dust with your name on it.
Penny 	No you don't. Oh, hey, what's Sheldon supposed to be.
Leonard 	Oh, he's the Doppler Effect.
Sheldon 	Yes. It's the apparent change in the frequency of a wave caused by relative motion between the source of the wave and the observer.
Penny 	Oh, sure, I see it now, the Doppler Effect. Alright, I’ve got to shower, you guys um, make yourselves comfortable.
Leonard 	Okay.
Sheldon 	See, people get it.
Raj 	Mmmm, by Odin's beard, this is good Chex Mix.
Howard 	No thanks, peanuts, I can't afford to swell up in these tights.
Sheldon 	I'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard 	We’re socialising. Meeting new people.
Sheldon 	Telepathically?
Penny 	(Crossing the room in a cat costume, speaking to someone off-screen) Oh hey, when did you get here, Hi!
Raj 	Penny is wearing the worst Catwoman costume I have ever seen, and that includes Halle Berry's.
Leonard 	She's not Catwoman, she's just a generic cat.
Sheldon 	And that's the kind of sloppy costuming which results from a lack of rules and competition.
Howard 	Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough.
Raj 	What is your move?
Howard 	I'm going to use the mirror technique. She brushes her hair back, I brush my hair back, she shrugs, I shrug, subconsciously she's thinking we’re in sync, we belong together.
Leonard 	Where do you get this stuff?
Howard 	You know, psychology journals, internet research, and there's this great show on VH1 about how to pick up girls.
Raj 	Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times, even effeminate men.
Howard 	If that's a working stethoscope, maybe you'd like to hear my heart skip a beat.
Nurse Costume Girl 	No thanks.
Howard 	No, seriously, you can, I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia.
Leonard 	I  want to get to know Penny's friends, I just, I don't know how to talk to these people.
Sheldon 	Well, I actually might be able to help.
Leonard 	How so?
Sheldon 	Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own language if you will.
Leonard 	Go on.
Sheldon 	Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group with the greeting “How wasted am I?” which is met with an approving chorus of “Dude.”
Leonard 	Then what happens?
Sheldon 	That's as far as I’ve gotten.
Leonard 	This is ridiculous, I'm jumping in.
Sheldon 	Good luck.
Leonard 	No, you're coming with me.
Sheldon 	Oh, I hardly think so.
Leonard 	Come on.
Sheldon 	Aren’t you afraid I'll embarrass you?
Leonard 	Yes. But I need a wing-man.
Sheldon 	Alright, but if we’re going to use flight metaphors I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA, analyzing wreckage.
Girl in Hippie Costume 	Oh, Hi!
Leonard 	Hi.
Sheldon 	Hello.
Girl 	So, what are you supposed to be?
Sheldon 	Me? I'll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!
Girl 	Uh, a choo-choo train?
Sheldon 	Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!
Girl 	A brain damaged choo-choo train?
Girl in Butterfly Costume	(Dropping onto sofa next to Raj) How wasted am I? (Raj shrugs.)
Sheldon 	Neeeeeooooowwwwww!
Girl 	I still don't get it.
Sheldon 	I'm the Doppler Effect.
Girl 	Okay, if that is some sort of learning disability, I think it's very insensitive.
Leonard 	Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra?
Sheldon 	Well, why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves.
Leonard 	Because I'm Frodo.
Sheldon 	Yes, well, I'm the Doppler Effect.
Leonard 	Oh no.
Sheldon 	What?
Leonard 	That's Penny's ex-boyfriend.
Sheldon 	What do you suppose he's doing here? Besides disrupting the local gravity field.
Leonard 	If he were any bigger, he'd have moons orbiting him.
Sheldon 	Oh, snap. So I guess we'll be leaving now.
Leonard 	Why should we leave? For all we know, he crashed the party and Penny doesn't even want him here. (Penny and Kurt hug).
Sheldon 	You have a back-up hypothesis.
Leonard 	Maybe they just want to be friends.
Sheldon 	Or maybe she wants to be friends, and he wants something more.
Leonard 	Then he and I are on equal ground.
Sheldon 	Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is.
Leonard 	Look, if this was 15,000 years ago, by virtue of his size and strength, Kurt would be entitled to his choice of female partners.
Sheldon 	And male partners. Animal partners. Large primordial eggplants, pretty much whatever tickled his fancy.
Leonard 	Yes, but our society has undergone a paradigm shift, in the information age, Sheldon, you and I are the alpha males. We shouldn't have to back down.
Sheldon 	True. Why don't you text him that and see if he backs down?
Leonard 	No. I'm going to assert my dominance face to face.
Sheldon 	Face to face? Are you going to wait for him to sit down, or are you going to stand on a coffee table?
Leonard 	Hello Penny. Hello Kurt.
Penny 	Oh, hey guys. You having a good time?
Sheldon 	Given the reaction to my costume, this party is a scathing indictment of the American education system.
Kurt 	What, you're a zebra, right?
Sheldon 	Yet another child left behind.
Kurt 	And what are you supposed to be, an Elf?
Leonard 	No, I'm a Hobbit.
Kurt 	What's the difference?
Leonard 	Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior.
Kurt 	So why the hell would you want to be a Hobbit?
Sheldon 	Because he is neither tall nor immortal, and none of us could be The Flash.
Kurt 	Well, whatever, why don't you go hop off on a quest, I'm talking to Penny here.
Leonard 	I think we’re all talking to Penny here.
Sheldon 	I'm not. No offence.
Kurt 	Okay, maybe you didn't hear me, go away.
Penny 	Alright Kurt, be nice.
Kurt 	Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy.
Penny 	Kurt!
Leonard 	Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can't compete with me on an intellectual level and so you're driven to animalistic puffery.
Kurt 	Are you calling me a puffy animal?
Penny 	Of course not, no, he's not, you're not, right Leonard?
Leonard 	No, I said animalistic. Of course we’re all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
Sheldon 	If he understands that, you're in trouble.
Kurt 	So what, I'm unevolved?
Sheldon 	You're in trouble.
Kurt 	You know, you use a lot of big words for such a little dwarf.
Penny 	Okay, Kurt, please.
Leonard 	No, Penny, it's okay, I can handle this. I'm not a dwarf, I'm a Hobbit. A Hobbit. Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short-term to long-term memory?
Kurt 	Okay, now you're starting to make me mad.
Leonard 	A homo-habilis discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt 	What?
Leonard 	I think I’ve made my point.
Kurt 	Yeah, how about I make a point out of your pointy little head.
Sheldon 	Let me remind you, while my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless.
Leonard 	There's not going to be a confrontation, in fact I doubt if he can even spell confrontation.
Kurt 	(Physically lifting Leonard from the ground) C – O – N... frontation!
Penny 	Kurt, put him down this instant.
Kurt 	He started it.
Penny 	I don't care, I'm finishing it, put him down.
Kurt 	Fine. You're one lucky little leprechaun.
Sheldon 	He's a Hobbit! I’ve got your back.
Penny 	Leonard, are you okay.
Leonard 	Yeah, no, I'm fine. It's good, it's a good party, thanks for having us, it's just getting a little late so....
Penny 	Oh, okay, alright, well thank you for coming.
Sheldon 	Happy Halloween. (They leave) If it's any consolation, I thought that homo-habilus line really put him in his place.
Scene 	The living room. Sheldon brings Leonard a cup of tea.
Leonard 	What's that?
Sheldon 	Tea. When people are upset the cultural convention is to bring them hot beverages. There there. You want to talk about it?
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	Good. There there was really all I had.
Leonard 	Good night Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Good night Leonard.
Penny 	(Knocking on door and entering) Hey Leonard.
Leonard 	Hi Penny.
Penny 	Hey, I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Leonard 	I'm fine.
Penny 	I'm so sorry about what happened.
Leonard 	It's not your fault.
Penny 	Yes it is. That's why I broke up with him, he always does stuff like that.
Leonard 	So why was he at your party?
Penny 	Well, I ran into him last week and, he was...  just, all apologetic, about how he's changed, he was just going on and on and I believed him, and I'm an idiot because I always believe guys like that and... I can't go back to my party because he's there, and I know you don't want to hear this and I'm upset and I'm really drunk and I just want to... (bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard’s shoulder.)
Leonard 	There there.
Penny 	God, what is wrong with me.
Leonard 	Nothing, you're perfect.
Penny 	Gah, I'm not perfect.
Leonard 	Yes you are.
Penny 	You really think so, don't you? (She kisses hm.)
Leonard 	Penny?
Penny 	Yeah.
Leonard 	How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny 	Just.... a lot.
Leonard 	Are you sure that you're being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here?
Penny 	It might. Boy, you're really smart.
Leonard 	Yeah, I'm a frickin’ genius.
Penny 	Leonard, you are so great. Why can't all guys be like you?
Leonard 	Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive.
Penny 	I should probably go.
Leonard 	Probably.
Penny 	(In doorway) Thank you. (She kisses him again. Kurt is watching.)
Leonard 	That's right, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in The Shire. (Closes door quickly, locks and chains it.)
Scene 	The apartment, there is a knock on the door.
Sheldon 	Coming. (Opens door to Howard.)
Howard 	Hey, have you seen Koothrapali?
Sheldon 	He's not here. Maybe the Avenger summoned him.
Howard 	He's not the Marvel comic story, he's the original Norse God.
Sheldon 	Thank you for the clarification.
Howard 	I'm supposed to give him a ride home.
Sheldon 	Well I'm sure he'll be fine. He has his hammer.
Scene 	A random bedroom. Butterfly costume girl is climbing off of Raj.
Butterfly Girl 	Wow, I have to say, you are an amazing man. You're gentle and passionate, and my God, you are such a good listener!
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)