The Cat in the Hat/Transcript

Narrator: There are a gajillions of stories of mischief and fun But to keep things simple, let's just start with one. About a mom and two kids and a house and a hat That, oddly enough, was worn by a cat. But soon enough we will get to all that. In the valley that stretches from this hill to that hill, A city is nestled. That city is Anville.It's a town that's not huge, but quite big enough For buyers and sellers to sell and buy stuff, From shoes and shirts and elongated ladders to sailboats and gibble-grated berry-juice bladders. [Horn Honks] So our story begins at the corner of Main and Montroob In the spotless real estate office run by Hank Humberfloob.
Joan Walden: Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true? [People Chattering] What do you mean, you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave. They sit. Baby-leavers leave. I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Miss Walden. Well, I need to come home right away. All right. Thank you, Amy. Sorry [Sighs]
Mr. Humberfloob: Attention everyone! It's 9:02. Staff meeting! Staff meeting! [All Gasping, Murmuring] Look alive, everyone! First I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan!
Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...
[All Gasping]
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
Jim McFinnigan: B-But I...
Mr. Humberfloob: FIRRRRRRRRE-duh! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! As you know, tonight is our bimonthly "meet and greet" party. Tonight's host is Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in an informal, yet hygienic setting.
Joan Walden: Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Mr. Humberfloob: Ah, yes. Your children. Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time.... YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE-DUH!
[Employess Gasping, Murmurming]
Joan Walden: That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry. I promise. My kids'll be on their best behavior.
Mr. Humberfloob: Great.
[Phone Rings]
Joan Walden: Humberfloob Real Estate. How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
Narrator: If you leave Humberfloob's and turn left onto Main, Three miles down you'll find Lipplapper Lane, A pleasent-enough street in a pleasant-enough way Where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborly "Hey!" Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, And lawns were moved daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street, in a house like any other, Something magical would happen to a sister and her brother.
[Nevins Barks]
Conrad: Shh! Nevins! Stealth mode.
Sally: Today's to-do list. Number one: make-to do list. Number two: Practice coloring. Number three: Research graduate schools. Number four: Be spontaneous. Number five: Create lasting childhood memories. And number six: Amend will. What is he doing? [Sighs]
Nevins: [Whines]
[Beeps]
Sally: Number ten: Make tomorrow's to-do list.
Conrad: Ladies and gentlemen! [Nevins Barking] Nevins, your attention, please. You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt ever performed under this roof!
Sally: Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related?
Conrad: Relax. I'll put everything back.
Nevins: [Whining]
Conrad: And now, for the indoor stair luge!
Sally: Indoor stair luge? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Conrad: Go have no fun somewhere else. It is showtime!
Nevins: [Whimpers]
Conrad: [Grunts] Whoa! [Yelling] Aah! Yeah! [Groans]
Joan Walden: Oh, my word!
[Nevins Barking]
Sally: Nevins! Nevins, come back!
Conrad: Hey, Mom. What's up?
Joan Walden: You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.
Conrad: Mom, I know you're angry, but there's something you need to know. This was all Sally's fault.
Joan Walden: Oh, really? And how, exactly, was it Sally's fault?
Conrad: Give me a minute. I'm working on it.
Joan Walden: Save it, Conrad. Why today? Why do you have to pick today to destroy the house? You know what's happening today.
Sally: I tried to tell him, Mom. "Mom's throwing a very important party," I said. "All of her important clients will be here." But he went right ahead and wrecked the house and le Nevins get away. Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.
Joan Walden: Yes, Sally, for a week, but that's none of your business.
Conrad: A week? Come on. Two days.
Joan Walden: I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad... keep the house clean. Do you know how frustrating it is that you're always doing the exact opposite of what I say?
Quinn: Knock, knock, knock.
Nevins: [Growling]
Quinn: Someone lose a dog? I found him next door in my yard again.
Joan Walden: You are a saint.
Quinn: And here I thought you were only dating me for my good looks.
Conrad: Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here.
Quinn: Hey-a, sport. Call me Lawrence. Okay?
Sally: You rescued Nevins! Thanks, Lawrence!
Quinn: It was my pleasure, Sally. Anything for my little princess.
Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess. In a constitutional monarchy parliament has all the real power.
Quinn: I see. Okay, that's great. Uh, look, pal, be a sport. Why don't you go tidy up the living room. Okay... dude?
Conrad: I don't have to listen to you, Larry.
Joan Walden: Conrad, do what Lawrence says.
Quinn: Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?
Joan Walden: You mean the Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth?
Quinn: That's the one, Joan.
Joan Walden: I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.
Quinn: Oh, Joan, Joan. Joan, Joan, Joan. I have so much respect for you, Joan. Single mother, careerwoman, raising two children on your own, and still finding time to be the best darned real estate agent in town. I know how hard it is, Joan.
Joan Walden: It is hard.
Quinn: Oh... I know. And I know how hard you're trying. This is a once-in-a-lifetime proposition, and you must act now. The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy for Troubled Youth is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario. A top-flight military school, and it's only eight hours away.
[Phone Rings]
Joan Walden: Oh, the phone.
[Phone Rings]
Conrad: I heard what you said. I'm not going to military school, Larry.
Quinn: Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad and this is probably really strange for your neighbor's dating your mom. But, here's the thing, son. Come here. I don't like you either. But I'm gonna marry your mom. And if it was up to me, you'd be at military school today.
Conrad: I'm not going to military school.
Quinn: Ohh! I think you're gonna love it. It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline. And one more thing... It's Lawrence, you snot-nosed son of a wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about! [Grunting] Oww!
Joan Walden: Gosh, I love children!
Quinn: Oh, Joan, I didn't see you there.
Joan Walden: Would you be a doll and help me bring up chairs from the basement?
Quinn: Nothing would give me more pleasure, Joan, but I do have to run. I have a very important sales conference downtown.
Joan Walden: Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.
Quinn: Sure.
Conrad: Mom, that guy's a total phony. You can let Larry...
Joan Walden: It's Lawrence, Conrad.
[Doorbell Rings]
Kate the Caterer: Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
Joan Walden: Oh, hi. Where's Kate?
Kate the Caterer: I'm Kate.
Joan Walden: Oh. Okay. Right this way, Kate.
Conrad: Mom, you've gotta listen to me...
[Phone Ringing]
Sally: Quiet! Two weeks ago you said you would... [Joan Screams] I "specialed" it. See?
Joan Walden: Quiet! Nevins! [Ringing Continues] I said quiet! [Ringing] Joan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.
Mr. Humberfloob: This is Mr. Humberfloob.
Joan Walden: Oh, hi, Mr. Humberfloob.
Mr. Humberfloob: Joan, I need you to come back to the office.
Joan Walden: Today?
Mr. Humberfloob: Yes, Joan. No problem?
Joan Walden: No problem at all.
Mr. Humberfloob: Great.
Joan Walden: [Gasps]
Sally: What's going on, Mommy?
Joan Walden: Mommy has to go back to the office. Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can babysit.
Conrad: Not Mrs. Kwan!
[Doorbell Rings]
Joan Walden: Oh! Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
Mrs. Kwan: Hi. I'm running late.
Joan Walden: Thanks for babysitting on such short notice.
Mrs. Kwan: Mmm, yeah.
Joan Walden: Okay, Mrs. Kwan.
Mrs. Kwan: Oh-oh-oh!
Joan Walden: I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Mrs. Kwan: Hi.
Joan Walden: Conrad's grounded, so no video games. Sally? Last chance. If you wanna make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.
Nevins: [Growling]
Sally: Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.
Joan Walden: What about Denise, then?
Sally: She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak me anymore. And you don't like bossy? I won't tolerate it.
Joan Walden: Right. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules. Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone, "City morgue."
Sally: Mommy, can't I have some rules?
Joan Walden: No chewing tobacco.
Sally: Thanks, Mom. You have my word.
Joan Walden: And absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else.
Conrad: Or else what? You're gonna do what Larry said and send me to military school?
Joan Walden: Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't have to consider military school. I wish I could trust you.
Conrad: I wish I had a different mom.
Joan Walden: Well, sometimes I wish the same thing.
Joan Walden: Mmm. Good luck with you meeting.
[Car Door Closes]
[Grunting]
Mrs. Kwan: Children, would you like to watch television with me? We don't have to tell your mother.
[TV: Channel Changing]
[Speaking Chinese]
[Yelling]
Conrad and Sally: Taiwanese parliament.
[TV: Yelling, Blows Landing]
Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big government!
[TV: Karate Yells]
Rip his heart out!
Mrs. Kwan: Hit me! [Sighs]
Narrator: So, they slumped in their chairs too glum to complain and to make matters worse, it started to rain. They sat in the house on that cold, cold, wet day with no fun to have and no games to play. They could just stare out the window or perhaps get a nap in, and hope that something, anything might happen.
Quit bothering the fish. I know. "Quit bothering the fish." Spit hand! Gross! Get that away from me! Get it away!
Narrator: Then something went bump.
What was that?
Narrator: How that bump made them jump.
I think it came from the closet. Conrad? Conrad. Come on, Conrad. You shouldn't scare people. You should've seen the look on your face. It was like you saw a monster...
Cat: A monster? Where? That could've gone better.
Sally: What was that?
Conrad: I don't know. Looked like a humongous cat.
Cat: "Humongous"? I prefer the term "big-boned" or "jolly. " Now, what are we hiding from?
Sally: That was a giant cat.
Conrad: But that's impossible, isn't it?
Cat: It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this hiding place a lot better. They'll never find us here. Scream and run. And there they go.
Sally: Who are you?
Cat: Who? Me? Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat. There's no doubt about that. I'm a super-fun-diferous feline who's here to make sure that you're... Meeline? Key lime? Turpentine? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming. Not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk. That should be enough for you people! I can talk! I'm a cat! Yes!
Sally: Where did you come from?
Cat: How do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
Cat: My place! Where do you think?
Conrad: No, how did you get here?
Cat: I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes, and no one has offered me a drink.
Sally: Sorry, Mr. Cat. Would you like some milk?
Cat: Milk? No! Lactose intolerant. Gums up the works. You'll thank me later. Hello! Surf's up! Yeah. Nice spread you got here. Homina-homina-homina-homina! Who is this?
Conrad: That's my mom.
Cat: Awkward, yeah. Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah. Although those drapes are a train wreck. And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on. Who is this dreadfully uncomfortable woman?
Sally: Get off her. That's our baby-sitter.
Cat: What the... Baby-sitter? You don't need one of those, do you? Let me get this straight. You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting! I'd do it for nothing! Now, let's see what the old phunometer has to say.
Sally: "Phunometer"?
Cat: Yeah. It measures how fun you are. Control freak. Yeah. Now, you. Hi. How are you?
Conrad: Tap it.
Cat: Listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change. Just as I suspected. You guys are both out of whack. You're a control freak, and you're a rule-breaker. That'll be 700$ . Who's your insurance carrier?
Conrad: So, what do we do?
Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. And the other involves a musical number! Me-Me-Me-Meow
Sally: How many shots?
Cat: "How many shots?" Aren't you precious? Maestro! I know it is wet And the sun is not sunny But we can have lots of good fun that is funny It's fun to have fun But you got to know how Hair ball. I know lots of good tricks and I'll...
Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
Me! Remember? The fish? Came home in a Baggie, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!
Sally: The fish is talking!
Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really. No.
Hey, Socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.
Cat: Come on, kids. You gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees. There was this cat I knew back home where I was bred He never listened to a single thing his mother said He never used the litter box He made a mess in the hall That's why they sent him to a vet To cut off both his ba... Ba, ba... Boy, that wasn't fun, fun, fun He never learns You can have fun, fun, fun But less is more They may ship you off to school so rein it in a little We can't spell "fun" without "U" in the middle
Children, this cat is currently in violation of... of your mother's rules.
Cat: City morgue!
Eighteen!
Cat: Olé! You can juggle work and play but you have to know the way You can keep or float a wish like the way I do this fish You can be a happy fella Someone throw me that umbrella And that rake, that cake Life's what you make it So have fun, fun, fun Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun Just look at me Fun, fun, fun No more rain Look, it's the sun, sun, sun So can't you see I'm as happy as a clam I'm as fit as a fiddle Yeah, the dogs may bark about you And the purebred chaps may doubt you
Getting motion sickness!
Cat: Milk? Big mistake. But remember this You can't have fun without "U"...
I can't breathe!
Cat: I knew that milk would come back to haunt me. "U" in the middle
Fish: Bravo, Cat. These children are smart enough not to fall for your MTV-style flash at the expense of content and moral values.
Conrad: That was wicked cool.
Sally: Do it again.
Cat: I'd love to, but Shamu is right. I really should be going.
Conrad: No, don't go.
Cat: No, I should go. I should let you and the fish have all your fun conjugating verbs, cleaning your room, doing long division.
Conrad: No, you have to stay.
Cat: All right, I'll stay. Oh, yeah! But if I'm gonna stay, there's something I wanna show you. Something magical and full of wonder. It's called a contract.
Conrad: You want us to sign this?
Cat: Just a formality, really.
Yeah.
Conrad: Who are they?
Cat: Magical time-traveling elves. Yeah. Magic. Okay, they're my lawyers. Liability issues, litigious society, frivolous lawsuits. You understand. Basically, this contract guarantees you can have all the fun you want, and nothing bad's ever gonna happen.
Conrad: All the fun we want?
Cat: Yeah.
Sally: Nothing bad will happen?
Cat: No.
Conrad: Come on, Sal, for once in your life try something spontaneous.
Sally: It goes against my better instincts, but... Fine.
Cat: Beautiful. Initial here. And here. And here. Not here! Turn it over. This is nothing. Scratch this. Smell that! Terrific. Yadee-yadee-yadee. Sign the bottom. Great! Okay, gimme five! Four. Let's get this party started! Hey, check out this room! What now?
Sally: Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
Conrad: She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on 'em or something.
Cat: And she's right. You can't jump on these. Not like this. They need some adjustment. Let's take a look under the hood. Yeah. Use my jack. Sorry. What have we got here? Whew. Here we go. It's over-sized. That's unusual. Here it is. Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get out of here! Spray me, would you? You... Thanks for the help. Back in a second. Who's your couch mechanic? You ought to call Mr. Catwrench. My fur! My fur! My fur! That ought to do it. Whoo! Come on, kids. I could use a little company.
Sally: What about Mom's party?
Conrad: What about it? We signed the contract.
Cat: One cushion left, Sally.
Conrad: She'll never do it. She doesn't know how to have fun.
Fish: Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you. No one sets foot in the living room... You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
Absolutely no one sets foot in the living room, or else.
You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired...
Fish: And that's why... This is where they buried my brother!
Conrad: Yeah! Yippee!
Cat: Oh, yeah!
Conrad: This is amazing!
Sally: Like being in the circus!
Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See, kids, I told you we could have fun!
Conrad: The best thing is, no one will ever know.
Lawrence: Judas Priest. I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Sally: Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad. Bad.
Lawrence: Sally, baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? Nobody likes a suck-up!
Conrad: Where's the cat?
Sally: I don't know.
Lawrence: Good bread. What are you two looking at? Is there a cat in here? I'm gonna... You're gonna... I have to get out of here.
Cat: See, kids, I told you. Stick with me, it'll all work out. Oh, no! Little known fact: Cats always land on their tushy.
Conrad: I thought they always landed on their feet.
Cat: Sure, now you tell me. So, kiddo, what do you want to do for fun?
Sally: I wanna make cupcakes.
Cat: Cupcakes? Oh, yeah! To the kitchen!
Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...
Me! Hello! Now... Hello! I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes, but hate all the hard cupcake work?
I know I do.
Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes, and say hello to the amazing Kupkake-inator. I'm so excited!
Cupcake-a-what? -
Kupkake-inator! This amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
Wait a minute. Did you say "anything"?
Anything.
Anything?
Yes, anything.
Anything?
Anything.
Anything?
I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident. Anything. Now, take off the lid. You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs.
What?
How about a pack of hot dogs?
That's incredible!
Why not some ketchup?
Yeah, why not?
How about... I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go.
Now, close the lid and Bob's your flipping uncle.
What an astounding product!
Cat: Oh, yeah!
Open the drawer, fill the patented Kupkake-inator tray, close the drawer, then place it in a conventional oven. Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
Now, wait just a minute.
And you're ugly, just like your mum.
Did you just call my mother ugly?
Shut up. I mean it. I will end you.
Sally: Cat. Your tail.
What about it? I see. I've chopped it off. That's interesting, because... Son of a bi...
Cat: Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue. I'm just saying we have a case. We'll talk later. Ixnay, ixnay.
Conrad: Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?
Cat: Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack.
Conrad: Conrad.
Cat: That's what I said, Condor.
Conrad: Cat!
Cat: Now, that's my name! Yep. They're done!
Conrad: Oh, man!
Cat: There's nothing to worry about. I'm sure they still taste fine. They're horrible. Who wants some? Come on, come on.
Fish: Oh, my cod.
Sally: Cat, you need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
Cat: All right, I'll try.
Sally: You don't try. You do.
Cat: Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am. I'll be right back. Hi. How are you? Okay. Look. I'm a girl.
Sally: STOP! That's...
Both: MOM'S DRESS!
Cat: This filthy thing?
Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it.
Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. Yeah.
Fish: I told you all this would happen. But no one listens to a fish!
Fish: A dog goes "woof-woof" and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...
Cat: All right, everyone, let's just take a deep breath and calm down. You know who's gonna solve it? Me. I am. I will personally take care of everything. And I know just the guys to do it. In this box are two Things. I will show them to you. Two Things, and I call them Thing One and Thing Two. These Things will not bite you. They want to have fun. So without further ado, meet Thing Two and Thing One! Oh yeah! Thing One, Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally, Thing One. Thing Two, Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally, Thing Two. Thing One, Thing Two. Thing Two, Thing One. Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad. I am the Cat.
Thing 2: Don't belittle me.
Cat: Yes, of course. Thing Two would like to clarify that just because he wears the number two does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing One.
Thing 2: And all of the above.
Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing "A," if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da or Ben. Thing One says he's Thing One for a reason, and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing. You wouldn't understand. Okay, enough. You are quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things. Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate. Cat: This isn't just any old crate. It's the Trans-dimensional Transportolator. It's kind of like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says, "Made in the Philippines."
Cat: Yes, but not this Philippines. Look, now, I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening the crate. No lookee, no touchee. Got it?
Thing 2: Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.
Cat: Things, front and center!
Conrad: Cool.
Cat:All right, Things, I'm not paying you to stand around and look pretty. Here's Mom's dress.
Thing 1: Mommy's dress!
Conrad: What about the couch?
Cat: Which couch? The clean one, or the horribly stained one?
Things: Mekka-dekka. Don't worry!
Cat: Incoming!
Sally: Cat, they're wrecking the whole house!
[????]
Sally: Conrad, help!
Conrad: Help yourself!
Thing 1: Want a piece of me? All right! Come and get it!
Lock: Mine, mine, mine! Mine, mine, mine!
Things: Ride 'em, cowboy!
Cat: If this were my house, I'd be furious. Hey! Klondike! Do you have any idea what happened to the lock on this crate?
Conrad: It's on Nevins' collar.
Cat: Nevins?
Sally: Nevins? Nevins! Put the dog down! I said, put the dog down! Why won't they listen to me?
Cat: I don't know if this helps, but the Things always do the opposite of what you say.
Conrad: Why do they always do the opposite? That's so annoying!
Sally: Remind you of anyone, Conrad?
Cat: Zinga!
Thing: Zinga! Zinga!
Thing: Blue! Set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
Sally: Hey, Thing, don't let go of that dog!
Thing: Let go!
Conrad: Catch him. I mean, don't catch him!
Sally: Well, this is just great, Conrad. The whole house is destroyed, the party is ruined, and now Nevins is gone.
Cat: Sally, Kojak, that's nothing compared to what's gonna happen if we don't lock this crate. Take a look. It's already leaking.
Conrad: It won't stay shut.
Cat: Not without the lock. Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins and put it back on this crate, we're gonna be staring down the business end of the mother of all messes.
Conrad: We've gotta go out and find Nevins.
Fish: Impossible! Sally! There's only four hours till the party.
Sally: The fish is right. We should call Mom and tell her what happened.
Conrad: Look at this house! There's no way we could explain this to Mom. We gotta get Nevins back and lock the crate!
Sally: We're staying and calling Mom.
Conrad: We're going and getting the dog.
Cat: There is a third option.
Sally: There is?
Cat: Yes. It involves... murder.
Conrad: That's your option?
Cat: No. But you guys both had options. I just wanted to have one, too. Or did I?
Sally: Cat, you're not helping!
Cat: Come on. Let's go get that dog. Now, we just need a heavy, inanimate object to weigh down this crate. There. That ought to buy us some time. Come on, kids! Let's go, go, go!
Lawrence: What do you want now?
Repo.
You're repossessing my TV? I'm sure I made a payment. If it's about that bounced check, let me give you a credit card. That one's expired. Come on.
Narrator: With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning.
Joan: Joan Walden Real Estate. Be it ever so humble, there's no...
Lawrence: Hi, Joan. The kids let the dog out again.
Joan: You're kidding.
Lawrence: Don't worry. I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-á-vis military school.
Conrad: I don't know. Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's very sensitive. But I suppose it's something I should consider.
Lawrence: I'll get the dog. I'll be right over.
Conrad: Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.
Cat: I thought the moment needed something.
Fish: What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job, and we'll have to live on the street. I can't! Don't make me go... I don't know this world! It's dry! It's like... I can't... It's too...
Conrad: Fish!
Fish: It's too much!
Cat: Would you like to go back in the toilet?
Fish: On second thought, it's such a beautiful day. Why spend it indoors?
Cat: Thank you. Okay, kids. Get out of my way. This fence is no match for my cat-like grace and reflexes. Here we go. Okay. Watch me fly, kids. I don't think the little girl's even trying.
Sally: What about your cat-like reflexes?
Cat: What about showing a little effort, shrimp boat? Now, push! All right, Nevins. Time to die.
Conrad: Cat, you scared him away.
Cat: Dirty hoe. I'm sorry, baby. I love you.
Conrad: Come on, Cat! There he is!
Happy birthday, Denise.
Sally: Denise? Everyone I know is there. There's Ginny and Alan. How come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?
Conrad: Don't worry. Let's just get Nevins and go.
Okay, kids. Everyone outside!
Conrad: Cat, get down! They're gonna see you! Hide!
Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata!
Everybody, join in.
It's breaking!
Step out of my way.
Conrad: This cannot end well.
Conrad: I got an idea.
Candy! Candy!
Both: No!
Conrad: Get back!
Sally: Cat!
Cat: I'll get you!
Mrs. Kwan: I'd love to buy some.
Joan: Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It's Joan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay?
Mrs. Kwan: Those aren't children. They're little angels.
Joan: That's sweet. Well, all right, Mrs. Kwan. I'll be home as soon as I can. Bye-bye.
Cat: All right, soldier. Our bogey is in range. Commence search and destroy.
Conrad: What?
Cat: Search and rescue. I meant search and rescue. Come on.
Sally: I can't believe I wasn't invited to that party.
Cat: Hey! You're a lone wolf. Live alone, die alone. Yeah.
Conrad: Can we please get the dog?
Cat: Can we please get the dog? Boo!
Conrad: Oh, no! Oh, man!
Lawrence: Hello, Nevins. Good-bye, Conrad. Not so tough now, are you?
Conrad: We're dead. We're never gonna get that crate shut. And I'm getting shipped off to Colonel Von Kronk's School for Wayward Boys!
Cat: Why don't we take my car?
Conrad: You have a car?
Cat: Yeah, sure.
Conrad: That is so cool.
Cat: That's just the dust cover. Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatcha-ma-jigger. Or S.L.O.W. for short.
Sally: S.L.O.W.?
Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last name we had. Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: You mean...
Cat: No! Quick, to the SLOW. Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.
Conrad: Rescue it!
CatL Rescue it! Of course, I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember, kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards. It makes no sense. Look at you. Okay, here we go. G. P.S., check. DVD, CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a Czech. Siren.
Fish: What are you... What... Siren?
Cat: Let's go! Hi, there! How are you?
Lawrence: I'm sending Conrad away I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait till Joan gets a load of you!
Cat: There they are!
Fish: Red light, red light, red light! Red light! Someone else should drive.
Cat: All right. You win. Concrete, you drive.
Conrad: Are you serious?
Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea," but I can barely hear that little voice because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the 12-year-old drive!" Now, punch it!
Conrad: This is awesome!
Sally: I want to drive.
Cat: I think that's a great idea.
Conrad: Wait! Two people can't drive at the same time.
Cat: You're right. We should all drive.
Conrad: Cat! Where are the brakes?
Cat: I'll get them. I think there's something wrong with your brakes. When's the last time you had them checked? Bad brake!
Fish: One-way street, one-way street, one-way street, one-way street!
Cat: Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those. Air bag. Standard.
Fish: I think I wet my jar.
Conrad: Can we do that again? Hey, there he is! Oh, no! He's going into Mom's office! Come on, Cat!
Lawrence: You know, Nevins, when Joan finds out you've escaped again, Conrad will be moving out, and I'll be moving in.
Conrad: We've gotta get Nevins and that lock back.
Sally: What are we gonna do?
Cat: Don't worry. I have three plans. Plan "A"... mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that. Plan "B"... cut your loses and ditch the kids. That could work.
Sally: What about that one?
Cat: Plan "C"... trick mom's boyfriend into handing over dog and lock. I don't know. I still like Plan "B."
Both: Cat!
Cat: Okay, okay. Plan "C." Look at you. Excuse me, sir. I'd like you to sign my petition. Yeah.
Lawrence: Get out of my way, you hippie freak.
Cat: Are you aware of the senseless, wholesale slaughter of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzizeroo?
Lawrence: What will it take to get you out of my face?
Cat: Just sign my petition with this large, over-sized pen that requires two hands.
Lawrence: I see. Will you hold my dog?
Both: Yes!
Cat: Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog." I don't use the "D" word per se 'cause I think it's really, really wrong. Yeah. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm more comfortable with that really, yeah. How much is that Canine-American in the window
Both: Cat! Come on!
Lawrence: Hey, what the... Come back here! I'm on to you kids!
Cat: Nothing to see here. Keep moving! Go! Come on! Let's go. Ah, get in, get in! Come on, let's go. Get in! Hi, hi. Get in! Get in! Look out below! Sorry. Over there. Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
Lawrence: I got you!
Sally: Here he comes! Cat!
Cat: Where's my hat? Go! Go, go! Go! Let's go! My tail, my tail.
Conrad: Come on, Cat!
Cat: I'm walking here!
Lawrence: Joan. Joan!
Sally: I think we lost him.
Conrad: We got the lock back. Now let's get home.
Cat: Relax, kid. I'm all over it. Hey.
Conrad: What's wrong?
Cat: This. This is not my hat. I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.
Sally: So?
Cat: So... Without my hat, I'm just your garden-variety, six-foot-tall, talking cat.
Lawrence: Joan, your children are running around town like complete maniacs. Yes, they are. With some weird, hairy man in a big hat. Joan, you're gonna believe everything I'm telling you once we get to your house, okay? Come on.
Cat: We're doomed!
Conrad: We're dead. This is all my fault. I'm such an idiot. Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to? Wait a second. That's it! The opposite! Hey, Things! Don't help us! Do not show up and help us get home right now!
Thing: We're goin' on a road trip!
Conrad: Larry's car?
Cat: How'd you get so smart?
Narrator: So the race was on to get back home first.
Conrad: Hang on! We gotta beat Mom and Quinn home!
Narrator: But back at their home, things were just getting worse.
Sally: There's Mom and Larry!
Lawrence: Step on it, Joan. Go, go, go.
Conrad: Things, do not do anything to slow down my mom.
Things: Slow down Mom!
Lawrence: Look, Joan, they don't beat them every day.
Joan: Great. I'm sorry, Officer. Was I speeding?
Thing: Mekka-dekka license, appa registration. Mekka-dekka, you're one hot mama.
Lawrence: Hey, that's my car. Joan, we better go right away.
Joan: Please let me handle this. Sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.
Lawrence: I'm not gonna let them get away with this. Meet me at the house!
Lawrence: Not so fast, you little maggots! You are so busted. Now get inside.
Conrad: You don't want to go in there. It's going to be a total...
What? Sally, what happened? What about the mother of all messes?
Sally: I don't know.
Lawrence: Why am I sneezing?
Cat: That'd be me. Boo!
Lawrence: You're a giant... Cat! Judas Priest!
Conrad: Mamma mia.
Sally: What happened to our house?
Conrad: It's the mother of all messes.
Cat: Yup! Pure, unadulterated fun without any good sense or judgment. See, Corn Dog, this is why I warned you not to open the crate. Although, on the plus side, I think people will be talking about tonight's party for the rest of their lives.
Conrad: We gotta shut the crate! Come on!
Cat: Okay. Let's take the front hall carpet.
Sally: This can't be the front hall.
Cat: This is what happens when you mix your world and my world. And when you eat bad shellfish. Let's go. Oh, yeah!
Conrad: Cat, how do we find the crate?
Cat: Beats me. This hat is worthless, and it makes me look fat.
Sally: Where's Mrs. Kwan?
Cat: Here she comes, right on schedule. Oh, yeah!
Sally: We're going to ride Mrs. Kwan?
Cat: Sure! It's the only way to the crate. Hop on. This is gonna be good. Please keep your hands and feet in the Kwan at all times. Enjoy the ride! Ladies and gentlemen, the dining room.
Sally: This is the dining room?
Cat: Hey, look. Chandelier.
Conrad: Is that the bathroom?
Cat: You might want to hold it for a while. Something like that really burns my...
Conrad: This is amazing! It's like a ride at an amusement park!
Cat: You mean, like at Universal Studios. Cha-ching.
Cat: Please exit the Kwan to your left. Have a nice day!
Joan: This is ridiculous. I have to get home.
Thing: Police brutality. Illegal choke hold.
Sally: Where are we?
Conrad: The living room, I think.
Cat: Ah, man. My eyes are closed. If there's no line, could we go back and do that again?
Conrad: There's the crate! If we shut the crate, the house will go back to normal.
Sally: You have the lock?
Conrad: Got it. Come on, let's go. Sally! Come on!
Sally: It won't shut!
Conrad: Sally! Everything is disappearing up there! Help! Sally! Sal...
Sally: Help me, Conrad!
Conrad: Sally!
Sally: Help me! I can't hold on!
Conrad: Hang on!
Sally:Help me, Conrad! Help!
Conrad: Sally, I can't reach the lock!
Sally: No!
Conrad: I can't save you unless you let go!
Sally: Okay. Help me!
Conrad: Yes.
Cat: I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. I did it. Okay, "we" did it.
Sally: I don't think we did anything.
Conrad: The place is still a wreck. You said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay! But it's not. It's a complete disaster.
Cat: Well, what are you gonna do? Tennis, anyone? Love that new ball smell. Yeah.
Conrad: Hey, your hat, it's magic again?
Cat: Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?
Sally: You had your real hat this whole time?
Cat: Yup. I planned the whole day.
Conrad: What do you mean, you planned the whole day? All of it?
Cat: Yup.
Sally: The house getting trashed?
Cat: Yup.
Conrad: Quinn taking Nevins?
Cat: Yup.
Sally: Cutting off your tail?
Cat: Nope. No.
Conrad: You even knew I'd open the crate?
Cat: Why do you think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles?
Sally: Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.
Conrad: Cat, you need to get out.
Cat: I don't know that game.
Conrad: It's not a game. None of this is a game!
Cat: But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
Conrad: Look around, Cat. You were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. You don't know when enough is enough. Now, go!
Cat: Suzy. Cromwell. Please.
Both: Out!
Fish: Good riddance. Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but... Like I said, not the time.
Sally: I'll get the mop and bucket. Conrad, you might want to get out of here until Mom has a chance to calm down.
Conrad: No. This was my fault. I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?
Sally: I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.
Conrad: Really? Why?
Sally: Two reasons. One, the stairs are destroyed. Two, this is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.
Conrad: Thanks, Sally.
Sally: By the way, you're a pretty good brother.
Conrad: Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school. Well, here goes.
Cat: Bet you thought I'd gone Bet you felt a sting Bet you never thought I'd have another song to sing But now that you've learned your lesson Allow me to blow your mind By reading to you the small print of the contract that you signed Okay, section eight, article , subparagraph . Right by the chili stain. It reads, "If Conrad, a.k.a. Concrete, should open the crate," and we know he will, "the contract shall be null and void. "However, "if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, "the contract shall be reinstated." And I think you two have satisfied the legal burden of learning.
Both: Yeah!
Cat: So there's just one last game to play. It's called "Clean Up the House." Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractor-ma-jigger.
Both: D-I-R-T?
Cat: That's right!
Cat: These drapes are so out, they're in!
Thing: Bye.
Cat: Okay, we had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack. That's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. Looks like everything's in balance, but you're still smoking way too many cigars. And you, lay off the sauce.
Sally: Cat, this day has been amazing. Thank you, Cat.
Conrad: For everything.
Cat: Conrad? Sally? Adieu.
Both: Cat!
Sally: Wait, Cat.
Conrad: Don't go.
Joan: All right, kids. This place better not be a mess. I'm home.
Conrad: Hi, Mom.
Sally: Hi, Mom.
Mrs. Kwan: Miss Walden, home so soon? The children were angels.
Joan: Thanks, Mrs. Kwan.
Lawrence: Hello, Joan.
Joan: Lawrence, what happened to you?
Lawrence: They happened to me. Your demonic children. They destroyed your house! The house was alive. The wall was made of paper. I fell off the cliff. And the giant cat... The giant cat! Tell her.
Conrad: Larry. You look terrible, and my mom thinks you're insane. This is what we in sales call "a win-win scenario."
Lawrence: Joan, you are passing up the opportunity of a lifetime. You know what kind of kid your boy is. I mean, who are you going to believe?
Joan: You're right. I do know what kind of kid Conrad is. He can be irresponsible.
Lawrence: Yes.
Joan: He makes bad choices.
Lawrence: Yes.
Joan: Sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out.
Lawrence: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Joan: But he's a good kid, and I believe in him. Now, I'd like you to leave.
Lawrence: Wha... Joan. Joan. Joan. Joan. Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan. Will you marry me, Joan? Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan.
Both: Yes!
Mrs. Kwan: That's nice.
Man: Mr. Humberfloob?
Mr. Humberfloob: Almost got me again. Enjoy the party.
Joan: Mr. Humberfloob.
Mr. Humberfloob: Joan, the party's a hit and the house is immaculate. Congratulations.
Woman: Miss Walden. Miss Walden.
Fish: Chicka-ow, chicka-ow, chica-yee-haw!
Sally: Hi, Mom.
Joan: Honey, your cupcakes are a huge hit. What did you put in them?
Sally: Mom, you can make cupcakes out of anything.
Conrad: Are you telling me you can make cupcakes out of anything?
Sally: Anything.
Joan: Anything? So what did you kids do today, huh?
Narrator/Cat: Well, what would you do if your mother asked you? The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured and, well, very endearing and tremendously attractive, but in a sort of real way. You know, kind of an approachable way that I think you don't see these days... Hello! I was just... I really should be going. How'd they get so smart? Oh, yeah! Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Things are complicated.
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