Milton Fludgecow

Milton Fludgecow is the main character of the Crotchety Old Man Calls, portrayed by MJ Kelli. He is a crotchety old man (though, he is often mistaken for a woman due to his high-pitched voice) who frequently finds himself in trouble, calling up all kinds of people whenever he lands in a dilemma, either improving his situation or, usually, making it worse.
==Biography==
In the earliest Crotchety calls, Milton's identity was very fluid, but not unknown. He first began as an old woman named "Gertrude Glorbie", and then became a man who alternated between the names of "Myron Fludgecow" and "Walter Creeglecrotch", and even "Milton Fludgecow" before MJ Kelli finally settled on "Milton Fludgecow" for the rest of the Crotchety calls (with the sole exception of one lone reverse prank call, where he pretended to be an old woman named Christine).
Milton's age is formerly never specified, though it tends to range from 70 to 90, usually hovering around 80; in the Wonder Boner prank call, Milton claims to be 118 years old. However, his official age is 76 years old. He has three children (two frequently mentioned children named Chauncey and Estelle and one unknown unnamed child only mentioned in Turkey Hotline) and is divorced, though he still meets with his divorced wife at Thanksgiving, most likely on visitation rights involving his two aforementioned children. Milton has been shown to be spoiling his children, going to many extremes to try and get things for them. Based on the dialogues from the prank calls, Milton seems to have family based in Florida, Michigan, and New Mexico. However, in the Car Insurance call, he states he doesn't have any family, calling them all "bastards" and claiming that they left him. This could imply that Milton's demeanor and incompetence drove his family away from him and possibly lost him custody of his children. Despite this, however, he mentions bringing five other people with him on a vacation to the Cayman Islands in Cayman Crotchety, and one of them is said to be Chauncey and the other is his wife. Depending on when this was made, this either takes place before Car Insurance, or Milton somehow managed to successfully make peace with his family and his wife, and regained some form of custody over Chauncey and Estelle. The latter is the obvious answer, and as of now, Milton is remarried to his wife and is welcomed back by his family, as well as regaining the custody of his three kids.
Retired, Milton has said to have had a job at a Sun Bank in a place known as Fletcher (presumably a street or a shopping center) as a bank teller where he had a very unfortunate accident where his genitals got caught in a pneumatic tube that ended with him getting a penile implant, which later malfunctioned on him, though he managed to get a surprisingly successful penis transplant after the malfunction; it can been inferred that he quit this job. He was once a security guard for a construction site, but he was fired after he tampered with a wrecking ball, causing it to demolish several buildings. Other jobs Milton has applied for include pizza delivery driver, carpet salesman, and so on. He occasionally brings up that his doctor is Dr. Jack Kevorkian when in a situation involving death or pain, a reference to Dr. Kevorkian's practice in assisted suicide.
Milton has been shown to favor shipping things by mail, but is not that intelligent in doing so. He first sent his son Chauncey in a box to the latter's grandmother in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and then later his late mother's body in a refrigerator box from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Okeechobee, Florida, losing track of both in the mail each time. However, it could be deduced that the packages eventually arrived to their destination since Chauncey is mentioned as present in later calls, though nothing further was heard on his mother. However, she did get mentioned in Demonic Furbee, confirming that Milton's mom is still alive and well, as the package she's in arrived to its destination.
Milton's car of choice seems to be a gold 1987 Lincoln-Mercury Grand Marquis, which was first mentioned in the Car Window Fiasco call, and has reappeared various times since. Other vehicles favored by Milton include a Dodge Stratus, an unnamed truck (from the Milton Flips Truck call), and numerous other vehicles up on blocks in his yard (mentioned in the Reverse Crotchety Call-Autoclub call).
Milton's exact living location is a former enigma. In the Y2K Toilet call, he claimed to live at 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane in Tampa, Florida (which is the most consistent address of them all); next, in the Garage Door call, he says he lives at 4206 Flika-Flaka Lane in an unspecified location (probably Tampa); then in the Y2K Survival Kit call, Milton says that he's from 1412 Flika-Flaka Lane in Corbin, Ohio; and finally, in the Wonder Boner call, he claims to live at 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane in Meekerville, Ohio. In addition, his zip code tends to jump around from 41111 (a Spanish zip code) to 42705 (a Turkish zip code). Milton has claimed in at least one call that the name "Flika-Flaka" is an Iroquois Native-American/American Indian name, and in the other to be the name of Christopher Columbus's brother-in-law. Milton's phone call number seems to be in a similar state of being as his address; he once stated his phone number is 75 since he received the 75th phone number in the USA in 1887, but then in another instance claimed his phone number is 76. Based on the The Implant call, it can be implied that Milton may have lived in New Jersey at one point, as the Sun Bank he once worked at is a company based in New Jersey. So, all-in-all, Milton's exact living location is 1413 Flika-Flaka Lane in Tampa, Florida.
In a darker turn of events, Milton once stated in the reverse prank call that he was "possessed by Satan", as well as being a witch in league with a seemingly Satanic group called the "Devil Tribe", which he said made him incapable of being recorded on tape. Nothing has been said about said group since, which means that Milton may have either been lying about his involvement (since he was pretending to be Christine in said call and was possibly just making up an excuse to avoid being recorded, with the "possessed" part being to throw off the caller), or he since somehow left the group. However, Milton left and betrayed the group, causing the Devil Tribe to be arrested, imprisoned and executed for brainwashing him. The latter might explain Milton's bad luck and even some of his more supernatural mishaps, threats and attacks, where he found himself being threatened and attacked by a demonically possessed object such as a Furby, a cable box, and apparently a toaster oven; he could possibly be cursed. However, since those are the only demonic attacks that ever happened to him in his life, Milton is free from his curse.
Despite the above, Milton seems to have been Christian at some point (whether before or after his involvement with the Devil Tribe), specifically Catholic and Roman Catholic, as he mentioned going to confession in the Lick the Pope? call and in the same call hanging up to contact his priest. At the same time, however, he also once mentioned crashing into a church picnic, hitting a nun and dragging her under his car for three miles in the Reckless Pizza Guy call, though it's unclear if it was the same church as his and at what point this happened. But however, it is the same church and it happened after the Lick the Pope? call. Other evidence that furthers the idea of him being Christian is his repeated catchphrase of "Oh, thank God you've answered!" at the start of almost every call, but it could also easily just be a generic expression of relief than actual praise. And because of that, Milton left Christianity, Catholicism and Roman Catholicism altogether.
Due to his behavior, Milton has found himself in trouble with the law for many various times, as he was once placed on parole, was chased by the police at least once, and has had the police called on him many times.
==Health==
Milton has shown to have numerous health problems in the prank calls, both physical and mental. He has mentioned using a Hoveround, probably due to him being elderly and geriatric, despite being apparently able to run up and down a flight of stairs. In addition, Milton has claimed to be overweight and a midget, which could be another reason for why he needs a Hoveround. He was once hospitalized for triple bypass surgery and has a pacemaker, showing that he may have heart problems. Milton has stated that he has a glass eye due to a batting cage accident involving Chauncey, and also wears glasses, as mentioned in a prank call and as depicted on the Crotchety albums' artwork. The previously aforementioned accident with a pneumatic tube mangled his penis and drove him to getting a penile implant, but he also claimed in a later call that he has erectile dysfunction and was going to be put on Viagra for the condition, meaning he most likely got the implant removed after it malfunctioned and the penis transplant later on. Milton once called a shoe company over some defective orthopedic shoes, implying that Milton has a medical condition that requires him to wear such shoes, either due to his age or another reason, it's mostly because his feet are at risk of aching nerves. In various calls, Milton is shown as having a hearing aid, and it has come into play in the plots of said calls, as Milton, without his hearing aid, is deaf, and needs the help of the people he's calling to have their voices loud and clear, and because of this reason, Milton's deafness can cause him to get confused over simple words and mishears them with others that's not part of the topic, to more extremes of mishearing words as insults and threats. He owns a craftmatic adjustable bed, which he mentioned that he needed for a "medical condition" when trying to get tax deductions from the IRS, implying that he may have back issues. Fortunately, despite these issues, Milton still has a rather high sex drive for his old age, using the now-removed aforementioned penile implant, being put on Viagra and the new surgical penis transplant, as well as specifically stating a preference for having sex in the backseat of a car, and that Milton is surprisingly strong, fast and smart, despite his physique and disabilities.
As far as mental health problems go, he claims to be diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, which often causes him to get in trouble, and seems to be somewhat forgetful. In addition, Milton may have a kind of anger management issue, as he gets very frequently mad and easily angered, threatens the people he's calling, and/or sometimes resorts to extremes (i.e. dousing his furniture in lighter fluid and setting it on fire to get rid of a termite problem, and bashing his car with a hammer, shooting it, and rigging it with dynamite to shut off his car alarm, etc.). He once said that he underwent a lobotomy and spent time in a mental institution after suffering a violent nervous breakdown when a carpet salesman selfishly denied a claim he filed on a carpet that both he and Chauncey ruined themselves, though this has actually been more of the truth as he seems as hotheaded as ever in later calls, but is sometimes pretty chilled and relaxed. Milton also seems to be suicidal, since he mentioned his doctor is the infamous Dr. Jack Kevorkian, and has talked about committing suicide, and even actually accomplishing this goal, in several of his prank calls. This could imply that (most likely due to age) his mental state is slowly deteriorating, and this claim could be supported by his apparent forgetfulness that pops up in his calls. He also once mentioned in a prank call that he wanted to avoid a required drug test, heavily implying that Milton abuses illicit substances. However, later on, he abandoned his suicidal tendencies, and quits abusing illegal and illicit drugs.
In spite of all of Milton's health issues, however, his resilience to death could be compared to that of a cockroach. As mentioned previously, Milton has survived all kinds of events that would kill an average human being, especially one of his age: among other things, he has attempted suicide, been shot, asphyxiated by hazardous fumes and a mechanical craftmatic adjustable bed, involved in several automobile accidents, drowned, electrocuted, hurtled through walls and down stairs, dropped down an elevator shaft, attacked by a swarm of angry bees, attacked by a rabid squirrel, mauled by Nala the Escapee Lioness, crushed by a garage door, frozen, burned, and even blown up several times, but manages to come back every time in one piece.
==Personality==
Milton is, as the title of the series says, crotchety. He can be very hotheaded, often calling people while being angry (sometimes to the point of being hysterical) and cursing them out, always leading to his run-ins with the police and various other misfortunes. He seems to have an overwhelming fear of the infamous Y2K problem, calling a toilet company over a tabloid about how certain toilets wouldn't work on the day of the Y2K disaster, as well as buying several survival kits, fortifying his home, and purchasing weapons of various kinds in preparation of Y2K. This also may imply that Milton is a bit of an anxious person, backed by his panic surrounding a "Pop-Tart Blaze Scare". As previously mentioned, Milton has ADD and is a little suicidal, which tends to make him very accident prone. Milton seems to somewhat share his son Chauncey's affinity for childish things such as toys since he has claimed to own a Tamagotchi, which was heard in Cremation Crotchety.
Aside from his anger issues, Milton has shown a kind and generous side, going out of his way to accommodate Chauncey and Estelle's whims, getting into a bitter heated argument with Zach Humpfrey, the mall manager, over an incident involving Estelle and a drunken mall Santa Claus, and defending himself when confronted about how he raises his children and cares for them, such as when Chauncey was mixing household cleaners and when he shipped Chauncey in a box and mentioned all of the things he did for him, and even once trying to rent out an entire movie theater just so he, Chauncey, and even Estelle, could watch Star Wars. At the same time, however, Milton is shown as not being above criticizing his own children's behavior, calling Chauncey a "dumbass" for flunking all of his classes. Since Chauncey has been described as having similar anger management issues, it could be said that Milton's behavior may have rubbed off on his son. However, despite this, Milton still cares for Chauncey and Estelle, as he is only teaching them the responsibilities of growing up into adulthood.
Milton may also be bisexual, as even though he is straight and is married to a woman and has at least three kids from that marriage, he tried to proclaim his love to a gas station attendant named Singh in Kwickie-Mart Bad Gas after first apologizing for yelling at him and trying to invite him over for dinner, much to Singh's acceptance. Since this is the only time Milton is gay, Milton's overall sexual orientation is heterosexual.
== Family ==
* Unnamed wife (divorced-now-remarried)
* Chauncey Fludgecow (son)
* Estelle Fludgecow (daughter)
* Unknown unnamed child (only mentioned once)
* Unnamed mother (deceased-now-alive)
* Various other family members (formerly estranged)
* Unnamed and unseen father (deceased-now-alive)
* Unnamed grandmother
* Unnamed and unseen grandfather
==Pets==
Milton has been known to have several pets, ranging from normal to exotic, and they have been mentioned from time to time in the calls. All of Milton's pets include:
*Curline (a gopher)
*Harriet (a beaver), named after Harriet Miers
*Horace (an iguana)
*Lumpy and Mumpy (gerbils)
*Moogie (a squirrel)
*Precious (a dog)
*Scooter (a meerkat)
*An unnamed guinea pig
*An unnamed monkey
*Some unnamed puppies
Category:Characters