There's Something About Mary/Transcript

There's Something About Mary
Screenplay by
Ed Decter & John J. Strauss
and
Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly
Story by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss
(FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY)
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT
OCTOBER 21, 1997
 FADE IN:
EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING
It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push
through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED
PELOQUIN.
 MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
 When I was sixteen years old I fell in
 love...
CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a
shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.
 TED
 Hey, Renise.
She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke.
 RENISE
 Hey.
 TED
 So what's up?
 RENISE
 Eh.
 TED
 Great. Great.
 (beat)
 So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you
 wanted to go to the prom you know, with
 me.
Renise looks unenthused.
 TED (cont'd)
 It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you
 want.
 RENISE
 See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that
 this guy I like was gonna ask me.
 TED
 Uh-huh.
 RENISE
 Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see what
 happens there...But that sounds great,
 yeah.
Ted nods, confused.
 TED
 Okay.
 (beat)
 So is that a yes or a no?
 RENISE
 I think I was very clear, Ted. If
 everything else falls apart, maybe.
Renise throws down her butt and storms off.
 TED
 I'm gonna hold you to that.
 CUT TO:
EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT
ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the
school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a
bad bone in her body.
 MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
 Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our
 little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two
 years earlier.
She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.
 MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
 Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she
 had a faceful of eyes that promised you a
 better life if you could only know her.
As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's
sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.
 FRIEND #1
 Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom
 with?
Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.
 TED
 Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You
 know, not my style.
 FRIEND #2
 You have a style?
 FRIEND #1
 Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey?
 TED
 (perks up)
 Who?
Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.
 FRIEND #1
 Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you
 spend enough fucking time with her.
The guys LAUGH.
 TED
 (out of ammo but doesn't
 know it)
 Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own
 palm?
His friends stare at him.
 FRIEND #1
 Clever. I like the way you just spun that
 around on me.
Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.
 FRIEND #2
 I wonder who she's going with.
 FRIEND #1
 Some guy named Woogie.
 TED
 Who?
 FRIEND #1
 Big guy--goes to Barrington high school.
This irks Ted.
 TED
 Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like
 a loser.
 FRIEND #1
 Loser? Woogie was all-state football and
 and basketball and valedictorian of his
 class.
 FRIEND #2
 I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton
 but he's going to Europe first to model.
This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.
 FRIEND #3
 Yeah and he's got a huge cock.
Everyone looks at him.
 FRIEND #3 (cont'd)
 I heard.
Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.
 FRIEND #1
 Hey, check it out.
THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable
crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties
and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He
approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.
 EAR-MUFF GUY
 You seen my baseball?
 CAR HOOD KID #2
 No.
The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.
 EAR-MUFF GUY
 You seen my baseball?
ON CAR HOOD KIDS
 CAR HOOD KID #1
 (to his buddies)
 This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
 (to Ear-Muff Guy)
 Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where
 your ball is.
The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.
 EAR-MUFF GUY
 You seen my baseball?
 CAR HOOD KID #1
 Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she
 has it.
Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car
talking to her large BOYFRIEND.
 CAR HOOD KID #2 (cont'd)
 'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She
 has another name for it...
 CUT TO:
ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her
boyfriend.
 EAR-MUFF GUY
 You seen my pecker?
 GIRL
 What?!
 EAR-MUFF GUY
 You seen my pecker?
The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.
 BOYFRIEND
 You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your ass!
The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about
to pummel him when Ted intervenes.
 TED
 Take it easy, Smokey.
 BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
 This fucking pervert just came on to Nance!
 TED
 All right, just be cool.
 (under breath)
 He looks like he's not all there, you know
 what I mean?
A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.
 BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
 Get the fuck out of my way, man!
Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-Muff
Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.
 MARY
 What's going on here?
She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Are you all right?
 EAR-MUFF GUY
 Mary, you seen my baseball?
 MARY
 No, I haven't seen your baseball. Jeez,
 Warren, you know you're not supposed to
 leave the yard by yourself.
 BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
 (to Mary)
 You know him?
 MARY
 He's my brother.
 BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
 Oh.
 (beat)
 I didn't realize he was...you know...
At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward the
school, along with most of the crowd.
Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.
 MARY
 You okay?
HER POV - Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and brushes
himself off.
 TED
 Oh yeah. Fine.
 MARY
 Thanks a lot, Ted.
CLOSE ON - Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As Mary
helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.
 MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
 That she knew my name blew my mind. Some of
 my best friends didn't know my name.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING
Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags
behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.
 MARY
 Hey, you're limping. Did you just hurt
 yourself?
 TED
 No, it's an old football injury.
 MARY
 Oh, are you on the team?
 TED
 No, a couple of the players and me were
 joking around and, uh, I fell off the
 school.
Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.
 WARREN
 Piggyback ride?
 MARY
 Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.
Warren pats his back again.
 WARREN
 Piggyback ride.
 TED
 (to Mary)
 I don't mind. If you think he can hold me.
 MARY
 Oh he can hold you. He weighs
 two-hundred-and-thirty pounds.
 TED
 A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?
Ted hops onto Warren's back.
 TED (cont'd)
 Giddy-up.
Warren walks about five feet and stops.
 WARREN
 My turn now.
Off Ted's reaction, we
 CUT TO:
EXT . MARY'S HOUSE - DAY
Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a hill
with Warren on his back.
 TED
 (straining)
 We're here, Warren. You wanna get off?
 WARREN
 Giddy-up.
Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary looks
on, amused.
 MARY
 So who you taking to the prom?
 TED
 Huh?
 MARY
 The prom--you going?
 TED
 Oh, I don't know. I think proms are pretty
 dumb.
 MARY
 'Cause I thought maybe you and I could go
 if you weren't already taking someone.
 TED
 I mean dumb in the sense that they only
 happen once a year.
She smiles at this.
 MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
 From that moment on the guys at school
 looked at me in a whole new light.
 CUT TO:
CLOSE ON FRIEND #1
 FRIEND #1
 You're a fucking liar!
EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
PULLBACK TO REVEAL - Ted is leaning against his locker
surrounded by a group of guys.
 FRIEND #2
 You expect us to believe you're going to
 the prom with Mary? What about Woogie?
 TED
 They broke up. She said he started getting
 weird on her.
 FRIEND #1
 I got twenty bucks says you're full of
 shit.
 TED
 Oh come on, why would I lie?
 FRIEND #1
 Because you're a loser, and in some warped
 way this gives you a momentary sense of
 worth.
 FRIEND #2
 Put me down for fifty.
 FRIEND #3
 I'm in.
As the others join in, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station
wagon.
EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT
Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.
 MARY'S DAD
 Yeah? What do you want?
 TED
 Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here to take
 Mary to the prom.
 MARY'S DAD
 Prom? You're about twenty minutes late. She
 just left for the prom with her boyfriend
 Woogie.
Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing
MARY'S MOM.
 MARY'S MOM
 Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, Ted.
 Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy here. He's a
 joke a minute.
 TED
 Oh.
 (relieved)
 Oh, that's a good one.
INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the den.
 TED
 Hey, Warren.
Warren doesn't look his way.
Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the directors
had really taken their time casting this role. Ted can't believe
his eyes.
 MARY
 Hi, Ted.
 TED
 Hi, Mary.
 MARY'S MOM
 Poor Teddy--he's been getting it both
 barrels from the Wisenheimer here.
 MARY
 Dad, have you been busting Ted's chops?
Mary's Dad shrugs.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Warren, did you say hi to Ted?
 WARREN
 (not looking up)
 'Bout ten times.
 TED
 Hey, Warren, I think I know where your
 baseball is.
This finally gets Warren's attention.
 WARREN
 You seen my baseball?
We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his pocket
and palm it in his hand.
 TED
 Well, if it's a big white one with red
 stitching, I think I saw it right behind
 your ear ..
Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren TAKES A
SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.
 MARY
 Warren!!!
Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.
ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right
next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.
BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and
DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to
free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A
HEADLOCK.
 MARY'S DAD
 (to Ted)
 What the hell are you doing?!
 MARY'S MOM
 Teddy, let him go!
 TED
 (out of breath)
 I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.
The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.
 MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
 (to Ted)
 Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you
 doing?!
 TED
 I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a
 baseball.
 MARY'S MOM
 What baseball? Where's a baseball?
Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.
 TED
 There was a ball I had a honest.
As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie
is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to
the couch.
 MARY (to Ted)
 I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a
 thing about his ears.
 TED
 Oh. Okay. I gotcha.
 MARY
 Are you all right?
 TED
 Oh yeah.
 MARY'S MOM
 (to Mary)
 Honey, now you're all wrinkled.
Mary looks down and frowns.
 MARY
 Ted, will you just give me one more minute?
 I have to iron this thing.
Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back
up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren.
Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.
 TED
 (to Mary's Dad)
 May I use your bathroom?
INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT
Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he
TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.
TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.
Ted smiles...
...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love
song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and
suddenly they fly away and we...
SNAP FOCUS
...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE
BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother
glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only
presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.
ON TED...
...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom,
HORRIFIED.
PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and
 TED
 YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!
TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!
 CUT TO:
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT
A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the
bathroom.
 MARY
 (knocking gently)
 Ted, are you okay?
 TED (O.S.)
 (pained)
 Just a minute.
 MARY'S MOM
 He's been in there over half an hour.
 (whispering)
 Charlie, I think he's masturbating.
 MARY
 Mom!
 MARY'S MOM
 Well he was watching you undress with a
 silly grin on his face.
 TED (O.S.)
 (pained)
 I was watching the birds!
They all look at one another.
 MARY'S MOM
 Charlie, do something.
 MARY'S DAD
 All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.
 MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
 What seems to be the situation here? You
 shit yourself or something?
 TED
 I wish.
Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.
 TED (cont'd)
 I, uh...I got it stuck.
 MARY'S DAD
 You got what stuck?
 TED
 It.
 MARY'S DAD
 It?
 (beat)
 Oh it. All right, these things happen,
 let me have a look. It's not the end of the
 world.
Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS
As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...
 MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
 OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
 TED (O.S.)
 Shhhhhh!
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
 MARY'S DAD
 (CALLS OUT)
 Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!
 TED
 What?! No please, sir--
 MARY'S DAD
 She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what
 to do.
Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.
 MARY'S MOM
 Teddy, hon, are you okay?
 (moving closer, seeing the situation)
 OH HEAVENS TO PETE!
 TED
 Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us.
 MARY'S MOM
 Just relax, dear. Now, um...what exactly
 are we looking at here?
 TED
 (dizzy)
 What do you mean?
 MARY'S MOM
 (delicate)
 I mean is it...is it...?
 MARY'S DAD
 (gruff)
 Is it the frank or the beans?
 TED
 I think a little of both.
Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:
 WARREN (O.S.)
 Franks and beans!
Ted hangs his head.
EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.
 MARY
 (to Warren)
 Shhhh.
 MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
 What the hell's that bubble?
Mary REACTS to this.
INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
 TED
 One guess.
 MARY'S DAD
 How the hell'd you get the beans all the
 way up top like that?
 TED
 I don't know. It's not like it was a well
 thought-out plan.
 MARY'S MOM
 Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming
 through there.
 MARY'S DAD
 I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek
 was about, pumpkin.
 MARY'S MOM
 I'm going to get some Bactine.
 TED
 No, please!
Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.
 POLICE OFFICER
 Ho there.
 TED
 (humiliated)
 Oh God.
 POLICE OFFICER
 Everything okay here? Neighbors said they
 heard a lady scream.
 MARY'S DAD
 You're looking at him. C'mere and take a
 look at this beauty.
 TED
 No, that's really unneces--
But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he
turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.
 POLICE OFFICER
 Now I've seen it all. What the hell were
 you thinking?
 TED
 (frustrated)
 I wasn't trying--
 POLICE OFFICER
 Is that bubble what I think it is? 
Mary's parents nod.
 POLICE OFFICER (cont'd)
 But...how...how'd you get the zipper all
 the way to the top?
 MARY'S DAD
 Let's just say the kid's limber.
The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.
 POLICE OFFICER
 Well, there's only one thing to do.
 TED
 No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my
 shirttail out and work on it in the
 morning.
 POLICE OFFICER
 Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second.
The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.
 TED
 No, no, please!
 MARY'S MOM
 Teddy, be brave.
 WARREN (O.S.)
 Beans and franks!
 MARY (O.S.)
 Warren, shhh.
Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.
 POLICE OFFICER
 It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.
 A-one and a-two and...
 CUT TO:
 PARAMEDIC
 We got a bleeder!
EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary
runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD
PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are
out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd
of about thirty NEIGHBORS.
 PARAMEDIC
 (to Mary)
 Keep pressure on it!
Mary does as she's told.
 MARY
 (running along)
 Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be
 okay?
 TED
 (irrational cockiness)
 You betcha!
He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.
INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS
The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to
WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we
 DISSOLVE TO:
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY
Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.
 TED
 ...Anyway, school ended a few days later
 and that July her father got transferred to
 Florida.
The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY.
Ted has been telling all this to no one.
 TED (cont'd)
 It took me half the summer to pay off all
 those bets.
 (sighs)
 I never did see Mary again. That was about
 twelve years ago.
Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-toes
back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on
his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his
collar.)
 PSYCHIATRIST
 Uh-huh. Interesting.
The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin,
then tosses it aside.
 TED
 Anyway, it's not something you exactly
 forget about, but I guess I must've blocked
 it out of my head. Then about a week ago
 I'm driving on the highway and I got to
 thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't
 breathe...I couldn't keep up with the flow
 of traffic anymore I felt like I was
 going to die. I pulled into a rest area,
 parked the car, and just started shaking.
The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.
 PSYCHIATRIST
 You know...rest areas are homosexual
 hang-outs.
 TED
 Huh?
 PSYCHIATRIST
 Highway rest areas--they're the bathhouses
 of the nineties for some gay men.
Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.
 TED
 What are you saying?
 PSYCHIATRIST
 (checking wristwatch)
 Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into
 that next week.
Off Ted's look, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY
Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.
 DOM
 Gay? He said you were gay?
 TED
 He implied it.
 DOM
 Well you're a writer, and a lot of
 writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote.
 TED
 Yeah, but he was successful.
 DOM
 Let me ask you this: When you smoke a
 cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?
Ted appears to think about this.
 TED
 Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.
 DOM
 I'm going to fix you up with my new
 assistant.
 TED
 What's he like?
Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.
 DOM
 You're leaving it out. Finish your swing.
 (beat)
 You're going to like this one--she's half
 Asian, half American.
 TED
 Good-looking?
 DOM
 I just told you, she's half Asian. half
 American. They're all good looking. You
 could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and
 they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's
 a foolproof combo.
Ted thinks about it.
 TED
 What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm
 in a slump.
 (SIGHS)
 Lately I've been feeling like...well...like
 a loser.
 DOM
 Loser? You?
Ted shrugs.
 DOM (cont'd)
 Give me a break. Remember five years ago,
 when your kidneys failed? If you were a
 loser would they have been able to find a
 donor with an exact tissue match? What are
 the odds of that, one in a million?
 TED
 Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got
 killed in an explosion?
 DOM
 I never said that. I'm saying your lucky
 those kids found his kidneys.
 (beat)
 Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a
 shit about you.
Ted gives him a look.
 DOM (cont'd)
 You know, you're a real glass-is-half-empty
 guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man.
Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.
 TED
 I gotta take this, it might be my boss.
 (flips phone open)
 Ted here.
 GARBLED VOICE
 (on phone)
 You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of
 puke!
Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and
puts it back in his pocket.
 TED
 Yep.
EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY
Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps.
We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball
hoop, dolls, etc.
DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.
 DOM'S WIFE
 I thought you guys might like these with
 your beers.
 DOM
 Thanks, baby.
She goes back inside.
 TED
 See, that's what I want. I don't need these
 bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what
 you have. A family....Someone to...you
 know...love.
These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a
little embarrassed.
 TED (cont'd)
 It must be great with a wife like that.
 DOM
 Each day is better than the next.
 (beat)
 Have you ever been, you know...in love with
 someone?
 TED
 Nah.
 DOM
 Never?
 TED
 Well once. Mary.
Dom SIGHS.
 DOM
 Mary again.
 TED
 Look, I admit it was brief, but it was
 definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve
 years.
 DOM
 Whatever happened to Mary?
 TED
 I told you, her family moved to Miami.
 DOM
 I mean since then.
 TED
 I don't know.
 DOM
 Well why don't you look her up?
 TED
 (sarcastic)
 Yeah, right.
 DOM
 Why not?
 TED
 Because I guarantee she's married and has a
 couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay
 single.
 DOM
 What if you're wrong? You just said she's
 the only girl you ever loved, what have you
 got to lose by calling her?
 TED
 I did try calling her.
 (sheepish)
 A few years ago. She wasn't listed.
 DOM
 So that was it? One bump in the road and
 you gave up?
 TED
 I also called Unsolved Mysteries.
 DOM
 You're kidding? What did they say?
 TED
 They told me they don't help out stalkers.
 (beat)
 Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long
 time.
 DOM
 I got it--you hire a private eye, fly him
 out there, he follows her around a couple
 days, she'll never know a thing.
Ted considers this.
 TED
 No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.
Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.
 DOM
 Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in
 my office who might be able to help you
 out. He's a claims investigator and he goes
 to Miami every couple weeks.
As Ted thinks about this, we
 CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a big insurance company - MORNING
INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING
Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.
 TED
 I don't know about this, Dom.
 DOM
 Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple
 years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston
 office; some bullshit about padding his
 resume--like we haven't all done that.
 Anyway, they were going to let him go but
 his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that
 ended up on my desk.
 TED
 His mother?
 DOM
 Yeah, I guess he still lives with her.
 Seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or
 something--so I went out on a limb and got
 him transferred down to Providence.
 TED
 And you think he could find out her number
 for me?
 DOM
 He'll do better than that. I'll send him
 down to Miami on business, you throw him a
 couple bucks on the side, and he'll track
 her down.
Ted thinks about this.
 DOM (cont'd)
 Just let me warn you--This guy runs a
 little hot, but he gets the job done.
 CUT TO:
INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING
Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK
HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-piece suit.
Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance
investigator.
 HEALY
 So, Dom tells me you're looking for some
 lady-friend you knew in high school.
 TED
 Uh-huh.
 HEALY
 Any idea where I might start looking?
 TED
 She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago.
 I checked directory assistance down there
 and she's not listed. She might've moved
 ten times since then.
 HEALY
 (skeptical)
 All you want is a phone number?
 TED
 Well, I know you're busy
 HEALY
 Don't play games with me, Ted.
 TED
 I don't know, maybe you could poke around
 for a half day and see if she has five kids
 and a Labrador.
 HEALY
 I don't buy it.
 TED
 You don't buy what?
Suddenly Healy is in his face.
 HEALY
 Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots from
 the hip. Now I want you to level with me:
 Did you knock this skirt up?
 TED
 (indignant)
 No.
 HEALY
 She's blackmailing you, right?
 TED
 (more indignant)
 No.
 HEALY
 You want her dead, don't you?
 TED
 You can't be serious.
 HEALY
 Do you really expect me to believe this is
 a straight stalker case?
 TED
 I'm not a stalker ! She's a friend of mine.
 HEALY
 Sure she is. That's why she got an unlisted
 number and you haven't heard squat from her
 in a dozen years. Oh you're good, Ted.
 You're a real piece of work.
 TED
 (stands)
 Look, let's forget it. Let's forget the
 whole thing.
 HEALY
 I get one hundred a day plus expenses.
 TED
 (LAUGHS at Healy's nerve)
 You get fifty a day, period. It's a
 business trip, they'll pay for your
 expenses.
Healy thinks about it. 
 HEALY
 Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this chick
 turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over
 on you.
 CUT TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach
EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY
Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF
BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a GREAT
DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. The driver,
SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his thirties.
 SULLY
 Healy you dog!
 HEALY
 (checking out car)
 Fucking Sully! Look at you!
 SULLY
 (Boston accent)
 You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.
INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY
The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands Healy a
packet.
 SULLY
 Here's the info you asked for.
 HEALY
 Thanks.
 SULLY
 You should thank me--that girl was not easy
 to find. What'd she scam you out of-some
 insurance dough?
 HEALY
 Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track
 down his high school girlfriend.
 SULLY
 Stalker, huh?
 HEALY
 Big time.
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY
This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of South
Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.
 HEALY
 Very nice.
 SULLY
 I'm doing okay.
 (checks watch)
 I gotta get ready for work.
Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the apartment.
 HEALY
 Okay? With this pad, the killer wheels?
 Looks like you really cleaned up your act.
 SULLY (O.S.)
 What can I tell you? It's a healthier
 lifestyle down here, and it's easier to
 succeed when your head's clear. Those guys
 I worked with back in Boston, they were a
 bad influence.
 HEALY
 Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you say we go
 grab a couple drinks.
 SULLY (O.S.)
 Not for me, buddy. I don't drink anymore.
 HEALY
 Yeah, and you don't drink any less, right?
Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 What the...?!
Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.
 SULLY
 Take it easy, that's Bill.
 HEALY
 Tell Bill to get the fuck off!
 SULLY
 (smiling)
 Relax, he just ate.
Healy just stares at his friend.
 SULLY (cont'd)
 (proudly)
 Nineteen months I been sober.
 HEALY
 What are you talking about? You were never
 an alky, you were a cokehead.
 SULLY
 Yeah, well when you quit blow, you gotta
 quit the booze, too.
 HEALY
 Is that right? Well good for you, Sull, I'm
 proud of you.
Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Here, just have one of these then.
 SULLY
 Healy, what I just tell you?
 HEALY
 This is a light beer. You can't have a
 light beer?
 SULLY
 No I can't.
Healy stares at him, baffled.
 HEALY
 Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for Christ
 sakes.
 (holds up beer)
 Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya.
Sully stares at the beer, weakening.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 I'm worried about you, man. You better
 learn to have a pop once in a while or
 you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're
 being a fanatic and that ain't healthy.
 SULLY
 Am I?
 HEALY
 Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to
 hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You
 gotta learn how to bend a little or believe
 me...you're gonna break.
Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and then
sips.
 SULLY
 Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't
 even taste good to me anymore.
 HEALY
 Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are
 you, spotting?
Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we
 CUT TO:
INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN
Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours,
food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type
HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE MICROPHONE
attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.
Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted
awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the
binoculars toward...
HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET
Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The
music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and
shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over
her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed,
wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she
still looks well cast.
CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in his
work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to
do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:
 HEALY
 (into recorder)
 Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current
 address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue,
 Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children
 and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass,
 affirmative.
INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY
Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA,
sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS.
 MARY
 Have you been up all night again?
 MAGDA
 Bet your ass I have. It's an important job,
 Neighborhood Watch is.
 MARY
 Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call
 listening in on stranger's phone
 conversations?
 MAGDA
 These ain't strangers, they're neighbors.
 This only picks up signals in a half-mile
 radius.
 MARY
 Meaning?
 MAGDA
 Meaning these are the people you live
 amongst, you got a right to know if they're
 creeps. For instance, did you know there's
 a guy down the hall cheating on his wife?
 MARY
 (feigning shock)
 You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta
 move.
 MAGDA 
 I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew
 something was up because Puffy used to bark
 like hell whenever he saw him and you know
 Puffy only barks at bad people.
Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.
 MARY
 Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.
 MAGDA
 That's because there's a lot of bad people
 out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you
 about that Steve guy you was seeing--he was
 a fucking asswipe--but you had to find out
 for yourself, didn't you?
 MARY
 Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep,
 huh.
Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.
 CUT TO:
MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.
EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING
Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is
a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple,
then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING
Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.
ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.
 HEALY
 (into mic)
 Looks like we got an athlete on our hands.
EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING
Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally
the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD.
PAN TO Healy watching from his car.
 HEALY
 (into mic)
 Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm
 guessing she's either got a bowel disorder
 or we've got a hurler on our hands.
EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING
Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out
front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other
MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.
Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.
 MARY
 Get in line. One at a time.
A fat patient, GARY, approaches.
 GARY
 Can I have two, Mary?
 MARY
 Yeah, you can have two halves, just like
 everyone else.
 GARY
 Thanks.
Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then
bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.
 FREDDIE
 Will you marry me, Mary?
 MARY
 Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about
 Dolores?
Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.
 FREDDIE
 Would you marry us both, Mary?
 MARY
 Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,
 wouldn't it?
Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be
inconspicuous.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who
 looked just like you here a minute ago.
Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.
CLOSE ON Healy.
 HEALY
 (into mic)
 Ixnay on the big appetite.
 (beat)
 She's just got a big heart.
EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY
Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her
friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an
umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach
Magazine.
 LISA
 Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive Wasp
 doctor to share candlelit dinners, long
 walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.'
 BRENDA
 What does this girl want, a corpse? You
 gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute
 with three pound cock and trust fund.'
 JOANIE
 No, it should be 'a hockey player with
 great pecs.'
 MARY
 Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those
 guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana
 hammock.
PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their
conversation.
 BRENDA (O.S.)
 (to Mary)
 I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a
 washboard stomach like Brad Pitt?
BACK ON Mary and friends.
 MARY
 I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a
 bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy.
 You can have those pretty boys who hang out
 in a gym all day staring at their
 reflections.
ON HEALY
 HEALY
 (quietly into mic)
 A girl after your own heart, Ted.
BACK ON Mary and friends.
 JOANIE
 I can live with those reflections.
 MARY 
 I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies.
 Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer
 and playing thirty-six holes and still has
 enough energy to take me and Warren out to
 a ballgame.
 JOANIE
 (sarcastic)
 Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going
 to find a guy like that.
 MARY
 But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking
 about has got to be self-employed.
 LISA
 You mean, like an architect or something?
 MARY
 Architect, yeah.
BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor.
 MARY
 No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah,
 that's good, but it's the freedom I'm
 talking about. See, this guy has to have a
 job he could do anywhere. That way we could
 just up and leave at the drop of a hat.
 LISA
 And where would you and your beer-bellied
 architect be leaving to?
 MARY
 I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans
 Jazz Festival...maybe a couple months in
 Nepal.
 JOANIE
 Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy
 halfway to Katmandu.
 MARY
 What's that supposed to mean?
 JOANIE
 It means you're too hard on guys.
 MARY
 No I'm not.
 JOANIE
 Oh come off it, Mare. What about
 what's-his-name...Steverino? You could've
 at least passed the baton on that one.
The girls LAUGH.
 MARY
 Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for
 awhile.
 JOANIE
 All right for awhile? The guy's
 good-looking, rich, witty. He was a god.
 LISA
 At one point you were talking about
 marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him?
Mary thinks about this.
 MARY
 I don't know, it was complicated. He's in
 San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
 (dodging question)
 Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him.
 JOANIE
 Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you
 said you were putting her up for a
 month--it's been a year and a half.
 MARY
 Ah, she's okay.
 LISA
 Mary, cut the crap, what really happened
 with Steve?
 MARY
 Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
 (sighs)
 Warren.
 JOANIE
 What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren.
 MARY
 I don't want someone who'll put up with
 him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the
 way I do. Do you know what he told my
 friend Tucker? He said he would've popped
 the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't
 in my life.
 (beat)
 Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn
 lucky to have him. The hell with Steve.
Everyone is touched by this. Then:
 BRENDA
 Well, that's the last time I blow him
 behind your back.
As the girls LAUGH, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get
home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers
but doesn't speak.
 HEALY
 Hello...? Sully...?
 (beat)
 Sully, that you?
 SULLY (V.O.)
 (over phone)
 Who the fuck is it to you?
 HEALY
 Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over
 there?
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a
ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer
cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine
and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake
are in the doorway looking at him with concern.
 SULLY
 (into phone, sloshed)
 Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think your shit
 don't stink. Well I got news for
 you--you're goddamn right it don't! How the
 hell are ya?!
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
Healy looks at the phone, concerned.
 HEALY
 Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know
 I'll have your car back in a couple hours,
 I'm still staking out this girl's
 apartment.
 SULLY (V.O.)
 You found my car?!
Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in
his seat.
ON MARY - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the
Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him
the bag.
 HOMELESS MAN
 Thanks, Mary.
 MARY
 You watch out for yourself, Herb.
As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we
HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda
out of the bag.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio
scanner, listening intently.
 MAGDA
 Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--some
 cop's staking out this broad's apartment.
 MARY
 No time, Magda, my show's starting.
BACK ON HEALY...
... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT
pointed at Mary's place.
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his
 partner's all lubed up.
 HEALY
 (quietly into phone)
 Call you back.
 SULLY
 (over phone)
 God, I miss ya, ya fuck-
Healy hangs up abruptly.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 MAGDA
 Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.
Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube
just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing.
Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.
 DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and
GIGGLING away in bed.
ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.
 HEALY
 Fucking Barney...he never learns...
INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT
As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and
starts to UNDRESS for bed.
BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.
 HEALY
 (into mic)
 Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money
 shot.
Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,
MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,
saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.
ON HEALY - he cringes.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy
 Boy....
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits to
reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.
ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then
repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.
HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we see...
Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.
ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Oh sweet Jesus
 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY
Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy
approaches.
 HEALY
 I've got some very, very good news for you,
 my friend.
 TED
 Really?
 (perking up)
 Very, very?
Healy sits down and motions for a beer.
 HEALY
 I think your life's about to change.
 TED
 So you found Mary?
 HEALY
 Right there in Liberty City. And you were
 right, she's really something.
 TED
 (smiles)
 So she hasn't changed?
 HEALY
 That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you
 something: Was she a little big-boned
 in high school?
 TED
 No, not at all.
 HEALY
 Well she must've packed on a few pounds
 over the years.
This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.
 TED
 Mary's a little chubby, huh?
 HEALY
 I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.
 Not bad.
Ted's smile starts to fade.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids,
 you're going to put on a few pounds.
 TED
 So she's married?
 HEALY
 Nope. Never been.
 TED
 Huh?
 HEALY
 Four kids, three different guys.
 TED
 Three different guys?
 HEALY
 Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two
 whites, and a midget.
 TED
 Oh my.
 HEALY
 Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to
 keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.
 TED
 She's in a wheelchair?!
Ted looks completely drained.
 HEALY
 Don't look so shocked, it's been a long
 time. I bet you've changed a lot over the
 last twelve years, haven't you?
 TED
 (shrugs)
 It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't have
 thought...
 HEALY
 Anyway, the good news is I have all the
 information you need. Got it from her
 bookie--nice guy. You should definitely
 call her, Ted. I mean she's a real
 sparkplug, that one. She seems determined
 to get those rugrats off welfare and with
 your help I'll bet she does it.
Ted stands and starts moping away.
 TED
 Thanks, Healy. Good work.
 HEALY
 Ted? Don't you want the name of the
 housing project?
 TED
 Uh, that's okay.
 HEALY
 You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to
 hear from you before her mastectomy!
As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back.
INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in
bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next
door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he
flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-up Kleenex, a
few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens
it.
TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling
Mary.
As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.
INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY
ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out
of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but
Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.
 TED
 What are you doing?
 HEALY
 Oh, uh, I resigned.
Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.
 TED
 Miami?
 HEALY
 Yeah, this insurance business is too slow
 for me. I'm going to go down and try my
 hand at jai alai.
 TED
 Jai alai?
 HEALY
 Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at
 home in the fronton.
Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is
having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.
 TED
 Look, uh, I've been thinking about
 everything you told me. 
 HEALY
 Good good.
 TED
 Well I think you're right, I should look 
 her up.
 HEALY
 Rollerpig? Are you nuts?
 TED
 But you said she was a sparkplug...?
 HEALY
 I said buttplug. She's heinous.
Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.
 TED
 All the same, I still want to call her. I
 know it sounds crazy--Mary sure has a lot
 of troubles in her life--but, I don't know,
 maybe I can help her out.
 (sighs)
 The poor thing's had it tough--she's in a
 wheelchair for Godsakes.
 HEALY
 It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.
 TED
 Oh. I thought
 (beat)
 That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't
 make any sense to you, but I just can't
 turn it off that fast. I still feel
 something for her.
Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.
 HEALY
 Okay, tell you what: I'll get her number
 for you just as soon as she gets back from
 Japan.
 TED
 Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
 HEALY
 You've heard of mail-order brides? Well
 they go that way, too.
Ted is devastated. 
 TED
 Mary's a mail-order bride?
 HEALY
 Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't forget,
 it's the Sumo culture, they pay by the
 pound there. Sort of like tuna.
Off Ted's look, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY
Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.
 TED
 That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll never
 procrastinate about anything again. Life is
 too fucking short. 
 DOM
 Hey, look on the bright side--
 TED
 (interrupting)
 What's that, Dom? What's the bright side?
 DOM
 Well...at least now you know.
 TED
 I think it was better when I didn't. It was
 kind of inspiring to know there was someone
 so pure in the world.
As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.
 TED
 What's so funny?
 DOM
 I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking
 this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're
 liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here
 you've been in therapy thinking you blew it
 with the greatest girl ever, and it turns
 out that getting your dick stuck in your
 zipper was the best thing that ever
 happened to you! 
Ted flinches at this.
 TED
 Wait a second, I never told you that.
 DOM
 Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away. 
Ted thinks it over.
 TED
 Maybe you're right. I should look on the
 bright side. I mean, I've still got my
 health...
 (checks watch)
 I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six
 a.m. to move my boss's brother into his
 apartment.
 DOM
 What? On your day off? Do you even know
 the guy?
 TED
 Never met him.
 DOM
 Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn
 novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.
 TED
 Amen to that.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY
Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and strolls
jauntily to...
A GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S
Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops the ball
and it dribbles about ten yards.
 HEALY
 Hit a house! Bite bite!
 (to Mary)
 Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.
Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about
fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth backswing,
and
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Hey, can you give me some tips here?
She cracks her shot long and straight.
 MARY
 Yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing.
 HEALY
 Thanks.
Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.
 HEALY (cont'd) 
 I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?
 MARY
 (annoyed)
 No thanks.
Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.
 HEALY
 Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar?
 All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins.
 MARY
 (interested)
 Nepal? Have you been?
 HEALY
 Not in months. I don't even know why I
 bought the damn place.
 MARY
 You own a home there?
 HEALY
 Well...it's just a condo really. Right
 outside Katmandu.
 MARY
 Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to
 go. Is it true the mountains are so tall
 you can't see the tops?
 HEALY
 Not 'til you get about three hundred yards
 from the summit. That's been my experience
 anyway.
She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch. 
 HEALY (cont'd)
 You know, I should just get going. I'll
 work on my game next week.
He flips her a coin.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Here. Spend it on your trip to Katmandu.
 MARY
 (smiles)
 Thanks.
Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will she
ever see this guy again?
 MARY (cont'd)
 (CALLS after him)
 It was nice meeting you!
Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand and
gives her a little wave.
Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...
EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY
Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to Mary's
Honda Civic.
He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary
coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out the door
and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary tosses her
golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying his shoes. A
second chance.
 MARY
 Well, it was nice meeting you, again.
 HEALY
 Same here again.
 MARY
 By the way, what's your name?
 HEALY
 Pat Healy.
There's an uncomfortable pause...Why doesn't this guy ask the
usual questions?
 MARY
 Don't you want to know my name?
 HEALY
 I already know it, Mary.
 MARY
 (surprised)
 How'd you know that?
 HEALY
 It's right there on your golf bag.
Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. Suddenly,
rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary bends over to
help Healy pick them up.
 MARY
 What are you doing with all these
 blueprints?
 HEALY
 Some buildings I'm working on.
 MARY
 Are you...an architect?
 HEALY
 Well, just until I get my PGA Tour card.
Mary stares at him, mouth agape.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call
 me an architect--it's just a job really, a
 way to keep me moving. My real passion is
 my hobby.
 MARY
 What's that?
 HEALY
 I work with retards.
 MARY
 (taken aback)
 I beg your pardon?
 HEALY
 You know...
 (flaps lips with fingers)
 ...the guys who ride the short bus.
 MARY
 (put off)
 Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
 HEALY
 The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me
 who I can and can't work with.
 MARY
 No, I mean
 HEALY
 --There's this one kid, we call him Mongo
 on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out
 of his cage once and--
 MARY
 --He's in a cage?! 
 HEALY
 Well it's more of an enclosure really.
 MARY
 They keep him confined? That's bullshit!
 HEALY
 That's what I said, so I went out and got
 him a leash you know, one of those
 clothesline runners for the backyard. He's
 got plenty of room out there to dig. The
 kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him
 to ball games, movies--you know, happy
 stuff.
 MARY
 That sounds like fun.
 HEALY
 Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven
 for me.
 (getting emotional)
 Those goofy bastards are just about the
 best thing I have in this crazy old world.
 (checks watch)
 Ooh, hey, I gotta run.
 MARY
 (won back over)
 Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go
 have dinner sometime.
Healy smiles at this and we
 CUT TO:
EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.
A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his
way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches
up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to
use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)
 BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
 Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not to
 scratch that thing, huh?
 TED
 (straining)
 What?
 BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
 You heard me. You already put a fucking
 nick in my piano.
 TED
 (biting tongue)
 I'll try to be more careful.
 BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
 S'matter with you? You look like you're
 fading.
 TED
 The thing's kind of heavy.
 BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
 Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know
 what heavy feels like, you insensitive
 prick.
 TED
 No, I just meant...
 BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
 Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a
 cup of coffee.
The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS
AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests.
 ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
 Hey you!
Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER
from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on
her heels.
 T.V. NEWS REPORTER (cont'd)
 Do you know that you're parked in a
 handicapped spot? 
 CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE,
an old high school pal, palpates his spine.
 DR. LALONDE
 (smirking)
 So...I see you made the news.
 TED
 (angry and embarrassed)
 It wasn't my truck--I was helping out a guy
 in a wheelchair.
 DR. LALONDE
 (dubious)
 Uh-huh. Where was he?
 TED
 Out getting coffee.
 DR. LALONDE
 Yeah, that's more or less what the others
 said, too. Out getting coffee...supposed to
 meet him here...picking up my grandma...
Ted turns and GLARES at him.
 DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
 I'm just saying...They sure made you look
 dumb.
Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.
 TED
 Bob, do you remember Mary?
 DR. LALONDE
 Who?
 TED
 Mary.
 DR. LALONDE
 From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her
 about six months ago at a convention in Las
 Vegas.
Ted sits up.
 TED
 A convention? How'd you see her at a
 convention?
 DR. LALONDE
 I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an
 orthopedic surgeon.
The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.
 DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
 What a babe...
Ted sits up on his elbows.
 TED
 Babe?
 CUT TO:
INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY
A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on
his face.
 TED
 Mary's a babe!
 DOM
 What?
 TED
 My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's single,
 and she's got no rugrats. She does have a
 little gambling problem, she plays the
 football cards a bit too much, but she's a
 babe, a surgeon babe!
 DOM
 Huh? But why did Healy?
 TED
 Well think about it.
Ted folds his arms.
 DOM
 No You mean...?
 TED
 Uh-huh.
 DOM
 The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look
 her up.
 TED
 (nodding)
 That sneaky prick was probably practicing
 his jai alai.
Dom shakes his head. Then:
 DOM
 Well then you've got to call her, man.
 TED
 Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the
radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her
lap.
 MAGDA
 So who's the lucky guy?
 MARY
 Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving
 range.
 MAGDA
 Good lookin'?
 MARY
 He's no Steve Young.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT 69
Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 What's he like?
 MARY (V.O.)
 I don't know. He's kind of a mook.
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 What's a mook?
 MARY (V.O.)
 You know, a mookalone, a schlep.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 MAGDA
 Then why you going out with him if he's a
 schlep?
 MARY
 Come on, Magda
 (SIGHS)
 It's like that movie Harold and Maude.
 MAGDA
 I don't watch the new ones.
 MARY
 This one's almost thirty years old. It's
 about a young kid and an old lady who fall
 in love.
 MAGDA
 That's exactly why I don't watch 'em
 anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell would
 an old lady go for a young kid?
Mary smiles at this.
 MARY
 The point is, love isn't about money or
 social standing or age, it's about
 connecting with someone, having things in
 common kindred spirits.
 MAGDA
 Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy
 here's gonna tell you all you need to know
 about this guy in about two seconds flat.
 If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if
 Puffy's relaxed...well, you got yourself a
 keeper.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
As Healy thinks about this, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Healy enters the building.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the
mail slot.
HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.
Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT.
Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it,
then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.
Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot
and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then
sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick
in.
 CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled
upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on
in amazement.
 HEALY
 (baby talk)
 Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-tum
 rubbed, doesn't he now?
 MARY
 Wow, I've never seen him like this. He
 doesn't usually like guys.
 MAGDA
 You mean he doesn't like bad guys.
 HEALY
 'That right?
 MAGDA
 He can tell you're an animal nut. You are,
 aren't ya?
 HEALY
 Truth is I usually get along better with
 animals than with people. In Nepal the
 villagers call me 'Kin-tan-tee', which
 means 'man who is loved by many animals...
 (babbling)
 ...who love him a lot, too...and so on.'
Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.
 MAGDA
 Would you like a glass of tea or something?
 HEALY
 You got a brew?
 MARY
 Sure.
 (noticing Magda's trance)
 Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more
 cheese and crackers...?
 MAGDA
 Oh, yeah, of course, dear.
The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the
MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE
TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch
to time the rate.
 MARY (O.S.)
 (CALLING out)
 Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka?
 HEALY
 (CALLING out)
 Great.
He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into
action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR.
One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.
 MAGDA (O.S.)
 (CALLING out)
 Would you like a little clam-dip, honey?
 HEALY
 (CALLING out)
 No, thanks.
 (panicking)
 Love a little bundt cake if you have some!
INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME
Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.
 MAGDA
 Bundt cake?
 MARY
 (shrugs)
 Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can
 find some cookies.
As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...
INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME
A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now.
Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....
 HEALY
 (quietly, desperately, to Puffy)
 Come on, man, stay away from the light!
Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,
with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and
quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.
Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A
DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.
ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as
SPARKS FLY.
Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with
the LIVE WIRES.
ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks
into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN
FLAMES.
When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a
vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG.
With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!
 MAGDA
 All I had was some Funny Bones--how does
 that sound, honey?
Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as
Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.
 HEALY
 (petting dog)
 Fine. Fine.
 MARY
 Here you go.
 (sniffs)
 What's that smell?
Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT
Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into the
courtyard area by the main building.
 HEALY
 The museum? I thought we were going out to
 dinner?
 MARY
 We will, but first I have a surprise.
 HEALY
 A surprise?
 MARY
 The architecture exhibit! My friend Tucker
 is going to be here. He's an architect,
 too. You guys will have tons to talk about.
CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.
INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT
Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the room
for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.
 MARY
 I know he's around here someplace.
 HEALY
 (chipper)
 What say we get outta here and go crush a
 bucket?
 MARY
 We just got here thirty seconds ago. Isn't
 this stuff great?
Mary points to an architectural model.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Is this one art deco or art nouveau?
 HEALY
 Deco.
 MARY
 Would you call that a portico or a
 vestibule?
 HEALY
 That...? Vestibule.
 MARY
 How about--?
 HEALY
 When you look at architecture, try not to
 concern yourself with the pieces--look at
 the building in its totalitarianism.
Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of invisible
sixshooters at her.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Stone crab time! Come on, let's get outta
 here, goofy.
He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.
 MARY
 Tucker!
Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a
distinguished-looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog
that's being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.
 TUCKER
 (still hugging)
 Come on, like you mean it.
Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:
 MARY
 Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.
 Healy and Tucker shake hands.
 TUCKER
 Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.
 HEALY
 Same here.
 MARY
 Pat's an architect, too.
 TUCKER
 Hey, no kidding? Where are your offices?
 HEALY
 (keeping cool)
 Mainly I work out of Boston. 
 TUCKER
 Boston, huh? Did you get your degree up
 there?
 HEALY
 Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.
 TUCKER
 Harvard?
 HEALY
 You bet.
 TUCKER
 (pleased)
 Did you study under Kim Greene?
 HEALY 
 Among others.
 TUCKER
 Kim and I are close friends!
 HEALY
 Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.
 TUCKER
 You mean him.
BEAT.
 HEALY
 Well...that's debatable.
Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is in
doubt.
 TUCKER
 Really? But he's been married for twenty
 years--they've got six kids.
 HEALY
 Nice smokescreen, isn't it?
Tucker can hardly believe his ears.
 MARY
 Pat does projects all over the world.
 TUCKER
 (impressed)
 Where would I have seen your work?
 HEALY
 Have you been to
 (thinking hard)
 Let's see--Santiago, Chile?
 TUCKER
 Absolutely! I was there twice last year.
 Which building is yours?
 HEALY
 Do you know the...soccer stadium?
 TUCKER
 Did you build the Estadio Olympico?
 HEALY
 No...just down the street, the Amigo Tower.
 TUCKER
 I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. What
 style?
 HEALY
 Uh, sort of nouveau deco...with a big
 vestibule. Check it out next time you're up
 there.
Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.
 TUCKER
 You know, I really should take your card.
 HEALY
 (noticing something)
 Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse me a
 minute, Tucker?
Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking at an
exhibit.
 HEALY
 (to Man)
 Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the hell
 are ya?
 MAN
 My name's Mel.
 HEALY
 Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you look
 just like Jim Dubois?
 MAN
 The sheepfucker?
Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.
INT. TOYOTA TERCEL
A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-car.
He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the seat
beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL BAG
between his legs.
 HITCHHIKER
 Thanks for picking me up. 
 TED
 No prob, I could use the company. I've been
 on the road going on fifteen hours
 straight.
 HITCHHIKER
 I know how you feel--I been standing in the
 same spot for the last five hours. You know
 it's against the law to pick up a
 hitchhiker in this state.
 TED
 That must make it tough.
 HITCHHIKER
 Sucks. So what's up? You some kind of
 salesman or something?
 TED
 Nah. I'm...I'm nothing.
 HITCHHIKER
 Oh. Well I am.
 TED
 Hm?
 HITCHHIKER
 A salesman--that's what I am. I mean, I'm
 gonna be anyway. I'm starting my own
 company--video sales--just as soon as I get
 enough seed money.
 TED
 'That right? Good for you.
 HITCHHIKER
 Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea--it's a
 home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute
 Abs?
 TED
 The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on
 T.V.
 HITCHHIKER
 Two million copies it sold last year. Two
 million, man. But not next year--my idea's
 gonna blow them outta the water. Get this:
 (dramatic pause)
 Seven-Minute Abs.
BEAT.
 TED
 I see where you're going.
 HITCHHIKER
 (big smile)
 Think about it. You walk into a video
 store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and
 right next to it you see Seven-Minute
 Abs--which one you gonna spring for?
 TED
 I'd go with the seven.
 HITCHHIKER
 Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll
 get every bit as good a work-out.
 TED
 How do you guarantee that?
 HITCHHIKER
 Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't
 happy we'll send you the extra minute.'
 TED
 Huh. That sounds great.
 (beat)
 Unless someone else comes out with
 Six-Minute Abs.
Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.
 TED (cont'd)
 (unaware)
 I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak.
EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT
The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into
the bushes to whiz.
ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he
TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.
 TED
 What the--?
Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS
illuminate the area revealing
TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all
around him.
 POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
 THIS IS A RAID!
ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of
ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE GUY.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the
spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA
CREW.
 TED
 (deer caught in headlights)
 Wait a second, it's not what you think.
A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.
 PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
 That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!
Ted glares at him.
 TED
 No! I was pissing!
 POLICE OFFICER
 Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come on, in
 the truck.
As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we
PAN TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid
unfold.
The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the cops.
Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS AWAY
INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.
 CUT TO:
CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of the
men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT FOR TED
who is extremely visible. 
 TED
 (to Cop)
 Okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.
REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching this
on their television.
 DOM
 Oh my God. Is that...?
 DOM'S WIFE
 (matter-of-fact)
 Told you he was gay.
BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty Ted
into a police van.
 TED
 I was taking a leak!
 T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
 We'll be right back with more of our
 special edition of COPS - LIVE IN THE
 BIBLE BELT! 
 CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT
Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. Healy is
eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking a beer.
 HEALY
 That grandmother of yours--she's really
 something.
 MARY
 Magda? She's not my grandmother--actually
 she rents the apartment right next to mine.
 Her husband passed away a couple years ago
 so she doesn't like to be alone.
 HEALY
 And it doesn't cramp your style?
 MARY
 Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.
 HEALY
 Lint?
 MARY
 Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers running
 around on the rug all day--just makes for a
 lot of lint. Look at this...
Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY
STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.
 MARY (cont'd)
 See? That's just one day.
Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.
 HEALY
 You know, sometimes I wish I could be like
 Magda and not go home. I'd like to just
 bounce around for awhile, do a little
 traveling...
 MARY
 Why bounce when you have your own condo in
 Nepal to go to?
It's clear Healy forgot about that one.
 HEALY
 Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new
 place, quit the architect game, slow things
 down, read more books, see more movies...
 MARY
 You're a movie buff?
 HEALY
 Try to be. It's tough going with the crap
 they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the
 best they've got to offer I say thanks but
 no thanks.
 MARY
 Have you seen it?
 HEALY
 No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr
 hated it.
 MARY
 A fucking moron.
 HEALY
 Huh. I guess I just wish they made them
 like they used to. You know, something like
 The Heartbreak Kid...or Harold and
 Maude.
Mary can't believe her ears.
 MARY
 Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite
 movie.
 HEALY
 Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. I know
 it's corny, but I do love it.
 MARY
 Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think it's
 the greatest--
 HEALY
 --Love story of our time.
Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?
 MARY
 Yeah.
 HEALY
 Wow. I thought I was the only one.
They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little
awkward.
 MARY
 So...
 HEALY
 Yeah...I guess this is it, huh?
 MARY
 I guess.
 HEALY
 Well, I'll see ya.
Healy turns to go but stops.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Mary ah, forget it.
 MARY
 What?
 HEALY
 No, forget it, it was stupid.
 MARY
 Come on, what were you going to say?
 HEALY
 Nah, really, it was moronic.
She grabs him by the shirt playfully.
 MARY
 Just say it.
Healy takes a deep breath.
 HEALY
 Could I feel your bosoms before I go?
Mary just stares at him.
 MARY (beat)
 Knock yourself out.
Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her, she
doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:
 HEALY
 Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?
She smiles and as Healy walks away we
 CUT TO:
INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY
Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation room.
PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-way
mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 Man, they never look like you'd expect.
 DETECTIVE CAVALLO
 That's probably how he got the victim to
 drop his guard. 
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 Where'd they find the body?
 DETECTIVE CAVALLO
 In a big red bag on the front passenger
 seat. All hacked up--fucking gruesome--a
 real psycho, this one.
The Detectives ENTER the room.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.
 TED
 (agitated)
 I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I
 was just stopping to go the bathroom, next
 thing I know I tripped over something--well
 someone--and, POOF, there's cops and
 lights and--
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you.
 (beat)
 The problem is we found your friend in
 the car.
As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him. Finally
Ted thinks he gets it.
 TED
 Oh. The hitchhiker.
 (CHUCKLES)
 That's what this is all about.
Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.
 TED (cont'd)
 Isn't that just my luck--I get caught for
 everything.
 DETECTIVE CAVALLO
 So you admit it?
 TED
 Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games
 with you. I could give you a song and dance
 but what's the point? I did it and we all
 know it.
 (laughs)
 The hitcher himself told me it's
 illegal The irony.
The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.
 DETECTIVE CAVALLO
 Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
 TED
 Jeez, I didn't catch it.
The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 So he was a stranger? It was totally
 random?
 TED
 (confused)
 He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I
 tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much
 trouble am I in? 
The Detectives look at one another. 
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 First tell us why you did it.
 TED
 Why I did it?
 (scoffs)
 I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was
 doing the guy a favor.
The Detectives look at each other.
 DETECTIVE CAVALLO
 This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted?
 How many we talking?
 TED
 Hitchhikers? I don't know--fifty...a
 hundred maybe--Who keeps track?
Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts
WAILING on a shocked Ted.
 DETECTIVE CAVALLO
 You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING
Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and enters
the building.
PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL - Healy is parked in his car.
His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's office.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING
Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT standing
near the coffee maker.
 MARY
 Mornin', Jane.
 MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
 Good morning, Doctor. Your friend Tucker's
 in your office to see you. 
Mary nods and heads toward her office. 
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME
Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her desk.
(SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)
 TUCKER
 What's up, Doc?
 MARY
 Tucker, you look different some how. Did
 you do something with your hair?
MARY'S POV - Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his upper
lip making him look like a walrus.
 TUCKER
 The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em capped.
ON MARY - smiles.
 MARY
 Oh yeah, they look great.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME
He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.
 TUCKER (V.O.)
 You don't think they're too big?
 MARY (V.O.)
 No no, the bigger the better.
 (beat)
 But I must say, they could be a little
 brighter. Nothing's sexier than a mouthful
 of pearly whites.
Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and laughs. He
stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past him he gives her a
kiss on the cheek.
 TUCKER
 You ever been laid in this office?
Mary pushes past him.
 MARY
 Behave yourself, Tucker.
 (smiles)
 Come on, what are you doing here?
She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.
 TUCKER
 I wanted to talk to you about your friend
 Patrick.
EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Healy almost flies out of his seat.
 MARY (O.S.)
 He's a nice guy, isn't he?
 TUCKER (O.S.)
 Well that's what I'm trying to figure
 out. How long have you known him?
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Tucker has a look of concern.
 MARY
 Not long at all, but I really like him.
 (off Tucker's look)
 Okay, I know he's a little different,
 Tucker, but that's what I like about him.
 He's a guy. A real guy. He dresses like a
 dork and eats corndogs and he isn't always
 politically correct and he probably farts,
 too. And that's okay with me.
 TUCKER
 That's what you've been looking for--a
 farter?
 MARY
 I've been looking for a guy--not one of
 these South Beach pussies.
 TUCKER
 (SIGHS)
 Look, it's just that something about him
 struck me as odd last night. He gave me
 this funny vibe. Anyway, I called some
 friends back east. They don't know of any
 architect named Patrick Healy and he's not
 listed as a Harvard alumnus.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME
Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.
 HEALY
 Fuck!!
 MARY (O.S.)
 Huh...that's strange.
INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME
 TUCKER
 I thought so. Anyway, I hope you don't
 think I'm being meddlesome. I just think
 you should be careful with this guy.
 MARY
 (concerned)
 No no no, Tucker, thank you.
 TUCKER
 I mean let's face it, Mary, you're
 beautiful, you've got money, you trust
 people--I'm just saying, there's a lot of
 psychos out there.
 MARY
 (small smile)
 I appreciate you looking out for me.
 CUT TO:
INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY
CLOSE ON - Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His
remorseful- looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 On behalf of the entire South Carolina law
 enforcement community, I would like to
 offer our heartfelt apologies for any pain
 or temporary inconvenience we may have
 caused you, Mr. Peloquin.
REVERSE ANGLE - reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed
being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.
INT. PRISON HALLWAY
The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the hallway.
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 At exactly 10:48 this morning a man was
 apprehended not far from where you were
 arrested. He was identified as an escaped
 mental patient and subsequently confessed
 to the murder that you were being held for.
 Lab tests confirmed a fingerprint match on
 the bag.
 TED
 (fragile)
 So...I'm free to go?
Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.
 DETECTIVE CAVALLO
 No harm, no foul?
 TED
 (stunned)
 I guess.
Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes toward
the door.
 DETECTIVE FRANEK
 By the way, there's somebody here to see
 you.
 CUT TO:
INT. TED'S CAR - DAY
Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger seat.
 DOM
 You are one lucky sonofabitch, you know
 that?
 TED
 I am?
 DOM
 Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just
 about to cut your throat when you stopped
 to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe
 up your ass, man.
 TED
 Yeah feels like it.
Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.
 TED (cont'd)
 How the hell did you get here anyway?
 DOM
 Flew.
 (beat)
 Told my wife I was going to a Promise
 Keepers convention.
Ted gives him a look.
 DOM (cont'd)
 I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I have
 some bad news for you.
Ted SIGHS.
 TED
 (resigned)
 Shoot.
 DOM
 Remember our friend Healy? Well, I didn't
 know where to mail his last paycheck so I
 sent my assistant by his mother's
 apartment. Turns out there is no diabetic
 mom. Landlord said she's been dead for ten
 years.
 TED
 And this adversely affects me how...?
 DOM
 Don't you see?--Healy lied to us about
 everything! The landlord said when he got
 back from Miami he kept talking about
 falling for some doctor named Mary!
Ted is stunned.
 TED
 Huh? What? No...My Mary? Mary wouldn't go
 for him....would she?
Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.
 DOM
 His address in Miami. You know, when you
 think about it, we really don't know the
 first thing about this guy.
Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.
 TED
 Jesus Christ what have I done?
 CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - EVENING
A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment while
Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.
 LISA
 You're not seriously thinking about going
 out with this guy again?
 JOANNIE
 Mary, he sounds like a psycho!
 MAGDA
 Would you hens quit ya cackling and let her
 do what she wants to do. Puffy liked him
 and Puffy's never wrong.
The girlfriends roll their eyes.
 BRENDA
 Mary, the guy's full of shit.
 MARY
 What if he's not? What if Tucker just made
 an honest mistake?
 LISA
 What if he didn't?
It's clear that Mary is torn.
 MARY
 I don't know how I can bail now, he's going
 to be here any minute.
 JOANNIE
 Well then blow him off when he gets here.
 MARY
 But you didn't meet him. He seems so I
 don't know...perfect...kind of.
 BRENDA
 He has a big cock, doesn't he?
Mary shoots Brenda a look. 
 MAGDA
 Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last name
 was?
 MARY
 Healy.
Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.
 MAGDA
 I think you better listen to this.
Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly hear
Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her girlfriends
gather around.
 SULLY (V.O.)
 So where the hell are you, Healy?
 HEALY (V.O.)
 Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary
 girl I told you about.
 SULLY (V.O.)
 The sawbones?
 HEALY (V.O.)
 Yep.
The girls all look at one another.
 BRENDA
 We hit the motherlode.
 MARY
 We shouldn't be listening to this.
 LISA AND JOANNIE
 Shhh.
 SULLY (V.O.)
 She still think you're a fucking architect?
 HEALY (V.O.)
 Oh yeah.
 SULLY (V.O.)
 Dumbshit.
 LISA
 Mr. Perfect, huh?
Mary starts to feel like a fool.
 MARY
 (edgy)
 Turn it up, Magda.
 HEALY (V.O.)
 Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal.
 I'm the dumbshit for lying to her.
 SULLY (V.O.)
 Why didn't you just tell her the truth?
 HEALY (V.O.)
 I don't know. I guess...it just seems that
 women today are more impressed by the
 mighty buck than by some schmo who spent
 the last seventeen years scraping by on
 Peace Corp wages.
The girls all seem moved by this.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT in the
other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:
 SULLY (V.O.)
 But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special as you
 say, she's going to want to hear about
 the things you did. 
 HEALY
 (dismissing this)
 Ahh.
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME
A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch in
his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE on the
table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.
In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl and
the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely moving.
 SULLY
 (reading)
 Come on, you could tell her about the
 irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan, the
 orphan babies who cried in your arms in
 Romania...
 (does a line of blow)
 ...the hope you gave Freddie the leper in
 Calcutta...
Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS TO
EAT IT.
BACK ON Mary and friends.
 JOANNIE
 (welling up)
 I love this man.
Magda folds her arms and gloats.
INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT
 HEALY
 Look, I did all those things for myself.
 I'll be honest with you, I'm a selfish
 prick. I get a high from helping all of
 God's creatures. An honest to goodness
 high.
Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and instinctively
squashes it.
ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and
shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.
Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.
 SULLY
 (winging it)
 That's bullshit, man you, uh, you were on
 the front line. Remember the, uh,
 malaria the, uh, typhoon fever that
 vicious strain of genital herpes?
ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.
ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.
 HEALY (V.O.)
 Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty
 illnesses in third-world countries.
ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.
 HEALY (V.O.) (cont'd)
 The bottom line is, I'm not going to use my
 philanthropy as some form of
 currency...especially after what I did.
 (SIGHS)
 I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. She
 deserved better.
 SULLY (V.O.)
 Hey, love will make you do fucked-up
 things.
 HEALY (V.O.)
 You said it, mister.
 (choking up)
 I gotta go.
ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, we
PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,
anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, before
finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor Bill. Bill
glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, and wiggles his
way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after the snake, we
 CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT
Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, the door
suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.
 HEALY
 (startled)
 Oh Mary. Look, there's something I have
 to tell you. I'm not
Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths meet in
a passionate KISS. 
 DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING
--As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren and a
few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying a little too
hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm shiver to his defender
and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-ARM. When Healy gets into the
end zone he spikes the ball and starts talking trash to another
defender.
--Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED
INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile and
she reacts uncertainly.
--Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for a
night on the town.
 MARY
 All set.
 HEALY
 You look great.
 (beat)
 Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the back of
 these pants?
When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets fly a
THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, but Healy just
LAUGHS.
--Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in a
romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story but
he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of food are
spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has to BOB AND
WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.
--Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't
looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. In
the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a palm tree.
 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front
while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this
from Ted's car.
 TED
 Fuck me.
 (sighs)
 Let's go home.
 DOM
 No! You've gone through way too much to
 back down now. Get over there and do
 something--I can't stand watching this.
BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and Mary
has to break it off.
 MARY
 Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?
Healy LAUGHS.
 HEALY
 How's my stomach taste, she says.
 (shakes head)
 Hey thanks for picking up the lunch tab,
 Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet. I feel like
 a dog.
 MARY
 Forget it. It was...fun.
ON TED AND DOM
Ted recognizes Warren.
 TED
 Holy shit, there's Warren.
BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN
Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.
 WARREN
 Franks and beans!
ON TED AND DOM
 TED
 Jesus, I think her brother spotted me.
They both duck down in their seats.
BACK ON MARY. HEALY. AND WARREN
 WARREN
 Beans and franks.
 MARY
 Give it a rest, War. You just ate.
 HEALY
 Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a big
 appetite.
 (to Warren)
 Am I right?
Healy winks at Mary.
 WARREN
 Huh?
Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.
 HEALY
 I said you've got a big app--
Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 Urrggghh...
 MARY
 Warren!
ON TED AND DOM - as they flinch.
 DOM
 Attaboy!
BACK ON MARY et al - Healy holds his throat, clearly in pain.
 MARY
 Are you okay?
 HEALY (cont'd)
 (raspy, to Mary)
 Not to worry. So...see you tonight,
 right? Right?
 MARY
 (cornered)
 Sure.
Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car and
drives off.
ON TED AND DOM
Ted stares gazily.
 DOM
 Well? What are you waiting for?
 TED
 I don't know what to say.
 DOM
 Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow the
 schmuck out of the water.
 TED
 Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho on
 her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
 (stares at Mary)
 She's even more beautiful than I remember.
THEIR POV - Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.
 DOM
 Get over there, you pussy! She's leaving!
Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns around
and sees Ted.
 TED
 You asshole, what are you--
 (CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
 Mary! Is that you?
 MARY
 (squinting)
 Who's that?
Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward Mary.
 TED
 It is you! It's me...Ted. From Rhode
 Island Ted.
Finally she recognizes him.
 MARY
 Oh my God...Ted.
 (big smile)
 What are you...? I can't believe this. I
 haven't seen you since-- 
 TED
 Yup, that's right. Junior prom...kinda.
 MARY
 And did everything--?
 TED
 Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible scars.
Mary LAUGHS.
 TED (cont'd)
 How are you doing, Warren?
 WARREN
 Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?
 TED
 I'm gonna take a rain check.
Mary is stunned.
 MARY
 I can't believe he remembered you. He never
 remembers anybody.
 (beat)
 You know I tried to call you for weeks
 after that.
 TED
 Really? I never got a message.
 MARY
 That's weird. I talked to your brother
 Jimmy five or six times.
Ted is devastated to hear this.
 MARY (cont'd)
 By the way, how's he doing?
 TED
 He's dead.
 MARY
 (taken aback)
 Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.
 TED
 (bitter)
 No, it was a good thing.
 (off her look)
 I mean, good in that it was very quick.
Ted pantomimes an explosion.
 MARY
 Oh. So...what brings you down here?
 TED
 Funny story. You see, me and a buddy of
 mine decided to...ah...you know...just
 ...drive down.
She stares at him.
 MARY
 Well you look great. Are you married, do
 you have kids?
 TED
 Nope, nope--dodged a few bullets.
 (smiles)
 God, I cannot believe I'm standing here
 with Mary Jenson.
 MARY
 Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.
 TED
 (taken aback)
 Oh...are you...?
 MARY
 Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
 (off his look)
 There was this guy back in college who was
 bothering me...got kind of ugly--a
 restraining order, the whole bit. Anyway,
 when I got out of Princeton I changed my
 name as a precaution.
 TED
 Jeez...that sounds awful. Hey, what do you
 say we go out to dinner tonight, catch up
 on old times?
BEAT.
 MARY
 Didn't we just do that?
Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.
 MARY (cont'd)
 I'm kidding. I'd really love to, Ted, but
 the thing is I already have plans. How
 about tomorrow night?
 TED
 Mary, we haven't seen each other in twelve
 years.
 (beat)
 Don't make me wait another day.
Mary seems touched by this.
 MARY
 Tell me where you're staying. I'll pick you
 up at eight.
Ted finally smiles and we
 CUT TO:
INT. HEALY'S CAR - TWILIGHT
A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment, absently
listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he reads the
newspaper.
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 I'm buying bananas tonight.
 MARY (V.O.)
 Why?
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 Back when I was your age I always used to
 make myself a big banana split after sex. I
 think you're gonna need one tonight.
 MARY (V.O.)
 Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll
 probably need it before I will.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME
Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on the
couch.
 MAGDA
 Don't bet on it. Last time I had a pap
 smear the guy needed leather gloves and an
 oyster shucker.
 MARY
 So maybe I could find a nice gentleman to
 take you to the movies.
 MAGDA
 Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause you're
 in love doesn't mean everyone else has to
 be.
 MARY
 Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it love.
 MAGDA
 Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like this
 since you broke ninety on the Blue Monster.
BACK ON HEALY - he's reveling in it all.
 MARY (V.O. )
 Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into a
 guy today I hadn't seen since high school.
Healy loses the smile and sits up.
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 An old flame?
 MARY (V.O.)
 Kind of. Ted Peloquin--one of the sweetest
 guys in the world.
Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.
ON MARY
 MARY (cont'd)
 He was so shy and clumsy...I had a major
 crush on him.
BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof. He
grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on it.
 HEALY
 No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 MARY (V.O.) (cont'd)
 We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that
 reminds me, I've got to call
 what's-his-face and cancel.
ON MARY
 MAGDA
 Do I sense a chill in the air?
Mary sits down.
 MARY
 Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the way of
 my love life. I always pick guys on what I
 feel in here.
 (pats heart)
 But with this Pat guy my head kept saying
 "Grow up, Mary. You have a lot in common
 with this one, you'll grow to feel
 something for him." But it never happened.
ON HEALY - he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his cellular
phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR RINGS.
Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.
 HEALY
 (jovial voice)
 Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed ya, but
 I'm out rustling up some champagne and
 roses in preparation for the greatest
 birthday of my life. Hope you and yours are
 having a good day, too.
Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.
ON MARY - she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.
 MARY
 Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted to
 say I'm...looking forward to tonight.
She hangs up.
 MAGDA
 You vicious bitch, how do you sleep at
 night?
 MARY
 I can't do it--I just found out it's his
 birthday.
 (sighs)
 I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.
ON HEALY - he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun. Then
he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE. But then he
hears something that concerns him--a KNOCK on the door and the dog
YAPPING.
ON MARY - she puts down the phone and answers the door. It's
Tucker, the architect.
 MARY
 (surprised)
 Tucker...come on in.
BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional roller
coaster heading downhill.
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 Well look who's here.
BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT - Tucker is carrying an unopened BOTTLE
OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off his ankles.
 TUCKER
 There she is--I brought you a little
 thirst-quencher, Mag.
 MAGDA
 Oh, you are sweet.
 TUCKER
 No, I'm not. I just want to get you-drunk
 so you'll pass out and I can have my way
 with Mary.
Everyone LAUGHS.
 MARY
 Can I pour you one?
 TUCKER
 Thanks, but I've got to be going.
 Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a social
 visit.
Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.
 MARY
 What's up?
 TUCKER
 Well...I've got a little more news about
 your friend Healy.
Mary seems relieved.
 MARY
 I know what you're going to say, but he
 already told me everything. I know he's not
 an architect.
Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.
 TUCKER (cont'd)
 I think you'd better sit down.
 MARY
 Tucker, I appreciate you doing all this,
 but I'm really strapped for time here and--
 TUCKER
 Mary, the man's a killer.
ON HEALY - he can't believe his ears.
BACK ON MARY - as she lowers herself onto the couch.
 MARY
 (stunned)
 What...?
 TUCKER
 I've got a friend in the Boston police
 department. He faxed me this this morning.
 I'll just give you the highlights.
 (reading from rap sheet)
 After a short stint as a petty thief,
 Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery
 by the age of fourteen. At sixteen he
 committed his first murder--a pretty
 teacher's aid named Molly Pettygrove. He
 was incarcerated until age twenty-two when,
 despite a grim psychological profile, the
 state was forced to release him. In his
 mid-twenties and again in his early
 thirties he was suspected of homicides in
 the states of Utah and Washington.
 Unfortunately, the bodies were so badly
 decomposed that there wasn't enough
 evidence to hold him, and on and on and so
 forth and so on.
Mary looks like she's going to throw up.
ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.
 MARY (V.O.)
 Holy shit...
 MAGDA (V.O.)
 Puffy, get over here.
We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, then a
LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.
ON MARY
 MARY
 Magda!
 MAGDA
 The little shit lied to me about that guy!
Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.
 MARY
 (growing emotional)
 I can't believe this is happening. I'm
 supposed to be meeting him in an hour.
 TUCKER
 Okay, just calm down. It's going to be
 okay.
Tucker puts his arms around her.
 MAGDA
 Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.
Mary looks fondly at Tucker.
 MARY
 Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have you in
 my life.
 TUCKER
 Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll give
 me a big head.
 (smiles)
 The important thing, Doctor, is you've got
 to distance yourself as much as possible
 without pissing this psycho off.
 MARY
 Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know what to
 do. I'll call him right now.
BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. He
stares at it, then picks it up.
 HEALY
 Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and
 roses...and I'm really happy. Leave a
 message. BEEP.
 MARY (V.O.)
 (nervous)
 Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're
 not going to believe this--well, you'll
 believe it, there's no reason not to--but I
 just got beeped for emergency surgery.
 Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to
 bail on you.
As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.
 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks off down
the sidewalk.
ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on
Tucker.
 HEALY
 (under breath)
 You're gonna pay, fucker.
Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his car.
BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking back
once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then stops next
to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously again. Then Tucker
DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES OFF. Healy pulls into
traffic and follows.
 CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT 
Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.
 TED
 Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know
 if I'm ready for this, man.
 DOM
 Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine?
 TED
 (pats his back pocket)
 Got cash.
 DOM
 Car clean? Plenty of gas?
 TED
 Check.
 DOM
 Mints?
 TED
 Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash.
Dom nods, satisfied.
 DOM
 Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just
 clean the pipes and it's a go.
 TED
 Hm?
 DOM
 You know, clean the pipes.
 TED
 Pipes? What are you talking about?
 DOM
 You jerk off before all big dates, right?
 Tell me you jerk off before your big dates.
Ted just stares at him.
 DOM (cont'd)
 (incredulous)
 You don't jerk off before--?! Are you
 crazy?! That's like going out there with a
 loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous!
Ted considers this.
 DOM (cont'd)
 Think about it: After you've had sex with a
 girl and the two of you are laying in bed,
 are you nervous?
 TED
 No.
Dom shrugs...Duh.
 DOM
 Why's that?
 TED
 I'm usually too tired to be.
Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.
 DOM
 Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby
 batter in your brain any more. That'll fuck
 with your head, that stuff will.
 TED
 (starting to believe)
 Huh.
 DOM
 The most honest moment in a man's life is
 the five minutes after he's blown a load.
 That's a medical fact. And it's because
 you're no longer trying to get laid. You're
 actually thinking like a girl. They love
 that.
 TED
 Jesus Christ you're right.
 DOM
 You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go
 out with a loaded gun, you empty the
 barrels!
 TED
 (shakes his head)
 Holy shit, I've been going out with a
 loaded gun!
 DOM
 People get hurt that way.
 CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL - EVENING
Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and Mary
gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as she walks
past him.
INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME
Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the bra
ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side view.) We
see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several frantic strokes,
he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly EXHALES, clearly
having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.
He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes to
clean up.
But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks his
hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances at the
ceiling, with no luck.
The Load IS MISSING!!!!
That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more HORRIFIED.
As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky reconnaissance
of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted reluctantly goes to
answer it.
INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME
Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as lovely as
ever.
 TED
 Hey.
 MARY
 Hi, Ted.
 TED
 You look great.
 MARY
 Thanks.
She notices something.
 MARY (cont'd)
 What's that?
 TED
 Hm?
 MARY
 On your ear, you've got something.
MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe like a
drop earring.
 MARY (cont'd)
 It looks like a gob of...
Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.
 MARY (cont'd)
 (making face)
 Is that....hair gel?
BEAT.
 TED
 Sure.
 MARY
 Oh great, I ran out.
Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and WIPES
IT IN HER BANGS.
 CUT TO:
EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT
Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker stops
in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out carrying a pizza
and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.
Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON HIM.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 You motherfucker, you're a dead man!
Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.
 TUCKER
 (cowering)
 Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do anything
 stupid.
 HEALY
 Who the fuck do you think you are making up
 that bullshit about me?!
Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.
 TUCKER
 Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're talking
 about.
 HEALY
 Maybe this'll jog your memory.
Healy SLAPS him across the face.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 I'll give you a hint--it's got something to
 do with me being a murderer.
Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.
 TUCKER
 Okay, okay, I might've gotten some bad
 information.
Healy grabs him by the collar.
 HEALY
 That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're
 working for him, aren't you, you little
 shit?
 TUCKER
 Who?
Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport coat.
 HEALY
 This is your last chance, you fuck. Now
 either you come clean or I'm going to kick
 your ass from here to Tallahassee.
Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.
 TUCKER
 I LOVE HER, OKAY?!
Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at him.
 HEALY
 You what?
 TUCKER
 You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love her.
Healy slowly lets go.
 TUCKER (cont'd)
 I'm a phony--just like you, man.
 HEALY
 What do you mean?
 TUCKER
 I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no
 architect. Don't be a putz--who's been to
 Santiago twice in a year?
 (scoffing)
 Estadio Olimpico--please!
 HEALY
 But...but you knew people at Harvard.
 TUCKER
 I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that
 you were a fake and I made up everything
 else.
 (sighs)
 My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.
 HEALY
 Bullshit!
Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, with
him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy let's this
sink in, we
 CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a sip,
nods his approval.
 TED
 Thanks, that's great.
The WAITER turns to Mary.
 WAITER
 Madame?
ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the
night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE WAVE
up front.
 MARY
 Thank you.
The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.
 TED
 Now by killer, you mean...?
 MARY
 I mean he murdered someone and did time
 back in Boston. The guy's a freak.
 TED
 (stunned)
 Jeez, Mary...I'm...
 MARY
 Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank God I
 have friends like Tucker.
 (beat)
 Look, I'm sick of talking about stalkers.
 (big smile)
 Let's talk about you.
 CUT TO:
INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT
Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.
 TUCKER
 ...So then in '94 I went back to Dade
 Community College for a semester and when
 the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through I
 hooked up with the Pizza Barn.
 HEALY
 And you met Mary how?
 TUCKER
 Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to her
 one night and she answered the door in her
 nightgown--that was it for me. I went home
 that night, shaved my beard, and a week
 later I was laid out in her office with a
 broken back.
 HEALY
 How'd you manage that one?
 TUCKER
 (matter-of-factly)
 Friend. Baseball bat.
 HEALY
 Nice.
 TUCKER
 Oh yeah, the plan was going along just fine
 until you showed up.
 HEALY
 Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who started
 telling bald-faced lies about the
 competition--that's crossing the line!
 TUCKER
 What line? The day you first laid your oily
 rap on my future wife you started a war!
 HEALY
 Future wife? Get real, man--you're
 nothing more than a glorified brother in
 her eyes.
 TUCKER
 Why you son of a--
Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.
 HEALY
 Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line
 is neither of us are going to get her if we
 don't do something about that headcase
 she's with now.
As Tucker slowly releases him, we
 CUT TO:
EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT
Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.
 MARY
 You hit the ball pretty good for a
 fourteen.
 TED
 (shrugging)
 No short game.
She smiles.
 MARY
 We should play some time...I mean, if you
 can afford to lose some money.
 TED
 (smiling)
 What are you?
 MARY
 Twenty-two.
 TED
 Bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry a
 one-iron--don't sandbag me, lady.
Mary smiles coyly.
 MARY
 Okay, sometimes I'm a nineteen.
 TED
 That's more like it.
 (to Counter-Man)
 Two more nitrate-sicles please.
 COUNTER-MAN
 You got it.
Mary is amused by this.
 MARY
 Nitrate-sicles--I like that.
 TED
 I say they should put more meats on a
 stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets
 on sticks--popsicles, fudgesicles,
 lollipops--but hardly any meat.
 MARY
 I agree there should be more.
The Counter-Man hands each of them another corndog.
 TED
 You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a
 cone. You could put corned beef hash in a
 cone, or chopped liver.
 MARY
 I like it. And think of the
 toppings--cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly
 TED
 Not to mention ketchup and hot peppers.
They smile at one another.
 MARY
 It's too bad you don't live down here, Ted.
 TED
 (pleased)
 Yeah?
 MARY
 We've got a lot in common.
Ted takes a chance.
 TED
 Well...why don't you move back?
 MARY
 Ah, my roots here are too deep. I love my
 practice, the people I work with, Warren's
 got a nice thing going
 (joking)
 Why don't you just move down here and marry
 me?
Mary smiles and Ted LAUGHS...perhaps a little too hard.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ted and Mary are sitting on her front stoop SMOKING A BONE.
 MARY
 So you're a writer?
 TED
 Trying to be.
 MARY
 Well good for you. I bet it works out for
 you.
 TED
 We'll see. If it doesn't, what the hell, at
 least I gave it a shot.
 MARY
 That's right. And the good thing is you can
 do it anywhere.
 TED
 What about you, Mare? How the hell'd you
 manage to stay single?
 MARY
 I don't know...My friends think I'm too
 picky. I think I'm just a weirdo magnet. I
 did come close once--just last year, in
 fact. There was this guy he lived in San
 Francisco.
ANGLE ON the corner of building. We see Healy and Tucker SPYING
ON THEM from the shadows.
 TUCKER
 (WHISPERING)
 That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch!
 HEALY
 Fucking sickening.
Healy and Tucker duck back into the alley.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - NIGHT
Healy is throwing DOGGIE TREATS through an open THIRD-FLOOR
WINDOW.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME
We hear the TELEVISION and see Magda DOZING on the couch with a
watery COCKTAIL IN HER HAND and the dog Puffy at her feet.
Suddenly a DOGGIE TREAT flies through the window, landing on the
rug. Puffy SNAPS TO ATTENTION and approaches the treat. He sniffs
it, then GOBBLES IT UP. ANOTHER doggie treat lands beside him and
he eats that, too. Then ANOTHER.
EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - SAME
Tucker keeps throwing the treats up and Healy looks concerned.
 HEALY
 How many is that?
 TUCKER
 Four.
 HEALY
 That seems like a lot of speed for a little
 pooch--you sure it won't kill him?
 TUCKER
 I never said that.
As Tucker throws another...
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME
The doggie treat LANDS IN MAGDA'S COCKTAIL, waking her up. Magda
looks around, gets her bearings, and then DOWNS THE DRINK!
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME
Mary and Ted, still sitting on the stoop. Mary seems a little
reflective.
 MARY
 ... and then it was all over.
 (SIGHS)
 We haven't spoken since.
 TED
 (sincere)
 Wow. That's too bad. He sounds almost
 perfect.
 MARY
 Yeah...almost.
 (beat)
 You want to come up and watch Sportscenter?
 TED
 Uh no. I think I'm gonna get out while
 I'm ahead.
Mary looks a little disappointed.
 MARY
 Ted...you're not that far ahead.
 TED
 Look, Mary, the truth is...I'll be in town
 for a while now but I don't think we should
 see each other for a few weeks.
 MARY
 (alarmed)
 Why not?
 TED
 Well...to be honest....I'm really crazy
 about you and it's making me nervous and
 when I get nervous I'm not myself and I'm
 afraid I'm going to doing something really
 dumb before we get started so I think I
 should just lay back until I regain my
 composure.
Mary sort of smiles.
 MARY
 That's really sweet, Ted, but you should
 save it for one of your books.
 TED
 All right, let's go.
Ted jumps up and starts up the stairs two at a time.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
As Ted and Mary ENTER, we see Magda HOLDING UP THE COUCH with one
hand and VACUUMING WITH THE OTHER.
Mary doesn't know what to make of it.
 MARY
 Magda, what are you doing?
Magda turns off the vacuum and we hear a BANGING SOUND coupled
with the O.S. MUFFLED YAPPING of Puffy.
 MAGDA
 Oh, hi hon. Just straightening up.
 MARY
 Where's Puffy?
 MAGDA
 Ah, he was being a pest so I put him in the
 bathroom.
As the O.S. YAPPING AND BANGING continues, Magda PICKS UP THE
TELEVISION and starts DUSTING the TV stand.
 MARY
 (to Ted, concerned)
 Um, Ted, I need a moment with Magda--would
 you let the dog out of the bathroom.
 TED
 Yeah, sure.
Ted walks down the hall, following the YAPPING AND BANGING SOUND
until he comes to the bathroom door. The YAPPING is MUCH LOUDER
now and he NOTICES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM HESITATE.
TED'S POV - the bottom part of the door is being DENTED OUTWARD
from the force of something BATTERING IT FROM WITHIN.
 TED
 (CALLING out)
 Uh, Mare, what kind of dog is Puffy?
 MARY (O.S.)
 (CALLING out)
 Toy poodle!
Ted thinks about this, shrugs, and opens the door.
BARING HIS TEETH like a Rottweiler, Puffy SPRINGS at Ted's
jugular!
INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Ted stumbles back into the living room with the hopped-up dog ON
HIS FACE. He KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, tumbles onto the floor, and
fights for his life.
Mary and Magda SCREAM as Ted and Puffy mix it up on the floor. Ted
tries to CRAWL TOWARD THE DOOR but Puffy GRABS THE CUFF OF HIS
PANTS.
DOOR POV of Ted's anguished face as he gets pulled back into the
room.
Ted manages to GET THE DOG IN A HEADLOCK.
 MAGDA
 Stop it, you're hurting him!
 TED
 (out of breath)
 Tell him...to calm down.
Puffy gets a piece of Ted's wrist and Ted SCREAMS and drops him.
Both man and toy poodle SPRING TO THEIR FEET.
They start CIRCLING ONE ANOTHER. Puffy leaps at Ted and Ted SMACKS
HIM into a wall. Unfazed, the dog gets a running start and LEAPS
AT TED'S NECK.
Ted manages to duck and PUFFY FLIES OUT THE OPEN WINDOW!
 DISSOLVE TO:
EXT MIAMI STREET - DAY
MONTAGE OF TED AND MARY FALLING IN LOVE
--Ted and Warren are at the top of a giant WATER SLIDE
Warren motions that he has decided this is not for him.
Ted shoots him a look that makes Warren feel like a
sissy. Convinced it's not too dangerous, Warren
decides to go for it and Ted follows.
--At the bottom of the slide Ted splashes into the huge
pool of water, laughing, having a blast. Then he looks
around...no sign of Warren. Concerned, Ted dives
underwater and a moment later Resurfaces clutching a
GASPING Warren.
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
--Mary pumps Warren's stomach as he coughs water out of
his mouth. Ted looks on sheepishly.
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Ted and Warren walk down a city sidewalk. As they pass
a shop Warren points to the window excitedly.
THEIR POV
In the window there is a mannequin dressed in a Super-
hero outfit, i.e. a generic superman.
Warren then pulls Ted into the store.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Ted comes out followed by a beaming Warren dressed in
the Super-Hero outfit. They continue walking again and
a few steps later Warren excitedly points to another
shop window.
THEIR POV
In the window is a mannequin dressed in a cowboy
outfit, i.e. Lone Ranger (hat, badge, holster, chaps,
vest, boots, spurs, etc.)
Again, Warren pulls Ted into the store.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Mary is window shopping with a few bags in hand. She
turns and reacts amused.
HER POV
Warren is now dressed in the cowboy outfit and a
humiliated Ted follows dressed in the loose fitting
Super-hero outfit.
EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY
--Ted and Mary are walking arm and arm on a SCENIC PIER
where PEOPLE ARE FISHING. Right behind them are Magda
and Herb (the Homeless guy) enjoying one another's
company. Ted is on top of the world, feeling good,
looking good-right up until he gets the HOOK IN HIS
MOUTH. Suddenly he gets YANKED OUT OF FRAME.
EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY
--Ted is FLOPPING AROUND on the pavement and a FISHERMAN
has his FOOT ON HIS FACE as he STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE
HOOK. Mary looks on, concerned.
EXT. GROCERY STORE - MIAMI - DAY
--Ted and Mary come out of the grocery store each
HOLDING A COUPLE BAGS. Ted also is CARRYING PUFFY, IN A
BODYCAST. Ted PUTS PUFFY ON THE ROOF, then starts
putting the groceries in the back seat.
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
--Mary pulls her car up in front of her apartment. AS
Ted gets out of the passenger's side, he notices that
PUFFY IS STILL ON THE ROOF. He quickly GRABS PUFFY
before Mary notices.
EXT. BATTING CAGE - MIAMI - DAY
--Warren is futilely taking swings in a BATTING CAGE
while Mary looks on helplessly. Finally Ted goes into
the cage, SIGNALS THE GUY TO STOP THE PITCHING MACHINE,
and MOVES WARREN A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PLATE.
--A distraught Ted SITS SOMBERLY on a bench. Beside him, Mary
comforts Warren whose LEFT EYE IS BLACK AND BLUE AND COMPLETELY
CLOSED.
 DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Ted shows up at Mary's apartment door carrying a BOUQUET OF
FLOWERS and a BASEBALL. When he KNOCKS, the door opens.
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Ted peeks around the corner and sees a SOMBER Mary sitting on the
couch.
 TED
 (chipper)
 Hey.
Mary doesn't look up. Ted ENTERS, revealing his gifts.
 TED (cont'd)
 The flowers are for you and the ball's for
 Warren. I had a friend of mine Fedex it to
 me--it's signed by Tony Conigliaro.
Mary finally looks up but doesn't smile.
 MARY
 Did you hire Pat Healy to follow me around?
Ted tries to hide his horror.
 TED
 (lamely)
 What do you mean?
Mary picks up a letter off the coffee table and hands it to him.
Ted takes a quick look and then drops it on the table.
 MARY
 It's not true...right, Ted?
Ted CLEARS HIS THROAT.
 TED
 Well, funny story there. You see, uh, it
 started out as a uh...yeah...it's true. =
Mary stands up.
 MARY
 Get out.
 TED
 Wait, hold on, Mary--it's not as bad as it
 sounds. I certainly didn't know--
 MARY
 That you put a murderer on my trail?
 TED
 Well yeah, I didn't know much about him. I
 just thought--
 MARY
 What did you think, Ted? That you could spy
 on me and trick me into thinking you were
 someone I could...really go for?
Mary starts to get emotional.
 TED
 Mary, I swear I wasn't trying to trick you.
 MARY
 Then what the fuck did you do it for?
 TED
 I did it because because I'd never
 stopped thinking about you and if I didn't
 find you I knew my life would never be good
 again.
Mary looks away.
 MARY
 (softly)
 Please leave.
 TED
 (devastated)
 Mary, come on...
 MARY
 Go!
 TED
 (beat)
 Okay.
And so Ted does.
 CUT TO:
EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Ted comes out of the building, a broken man. He paces back and
forth on the sidewalk, manic with despair. Then he seems to grow
angry. He rifles through his pockets until he finds a SLIP OF
PAPER.
TED'S POV - the paper reads: 'Healy's Miami address--229 Court
Street, apt. 43.'
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Ted walks down a rather dark hallway until he comes to apartment
43. He KNOCKS on the door but no one answers. He tries the handle
and THE DOOR OPENS.
INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 
Ted ENTERS and immediately reacts to the STENCH.
REVERSE ANGLE reveals that the place is a fucking PIG-STY. DOG
SHIT is everywhere, FLIES fill the room, a MOUSE scampers across
the carpet.
 TED
 Hello...?
No answer. Suddenly he HEARS SOMEONE out in the hall, so he ducks
behind the door.
Healy and Tucker ENTER the apartment and stop in their tracks when
they see the MESS.
 HEALY
 Ho-ly shit.
 TUCKER
 Hey, this is a pretty nice place.
 HEALY
 Sully...! What the fuck happened here?!
Again, no answer. Suddenly Ted SLAMS THE DOOR shut and grabs Healy
by the collar.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 (alarmed)
 Hey, hey, hey!
 TED
 Surprised?
 TUCKER
 Hey, buddy, don't do anything rash now.
 TED
 (to Tucker)
 Who the fuck are you?
 HEALY
 He's in love with Mary, too.
Ted releases Healy and glares at him.
 TED
 You fucked me, man? Why would you do that?
 HEALY
 (righteous)
 What do you mean 'why'?
 TED
 Answer the question, shitball.
 TUCKER
 I think everybody could use a drink.
Tucker goes into the kitchen.
 HEALY
 Look, you asked me to follow your girl
 around, and I did and I started to like
 her, and then I realized I just couldn't in
 good conscience do it.
 TED
 (amazed)
 Do what?
 HEALY
 Turn her over to a stalker.
 TED
 What?! You're calling me a stalker?
 HEALY
 That's right--if you weren't you would've
 looked for her yourself!
Suddenly they hear a SOUND and turn to see Bill the Boa slithering
into the room with A HUGE, GREAT-DANE-SIZE LUMP in his midsection.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 (sickened)
 Oh Christ...poor dog.
 TED
 You're a sick man, you know that?
 HEALY
 Yeah well fuck you! You just can't stand
 the fact that it was my turn.
 TED
 Your turn?
 HEALY
 (getting emotional)
 That's right, hot shot! My turn. What's
 the matter with me, huh? Why can't I ever
 get the great girl? Give the big pig with
 the B.O. to Healy, right? Well I was sick
 of it, man! No more--it was my turn. It was
 time for me...time for me...to be happy.
This is so pathetic that it actually gets to Ted. He sits down,
runs his fingers through his hair.
 TED
 Well you didn't have to blow us both out of
 the water. Jesus Christ, just because she
 found out about you, why'd you have to take
 me down with you?
 HEALY
 I don't know what you're talking about.
 TED
 I'm talking about the letter, asshole.
 HEALY
 What? 
Ted stares at him.
 TED
 Are you telling me you didn't send Mary a
 letter outlining our deal?
 HEALY
 Why the fuck would I do that? I'd be
 screwing myself.
The guys stare at one another, then Tucker comes out the kitchen
with a drink. They turn their attention to him.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 You little fuck.
 TUCKER
 What?
 HEALY
 You fucking prick, we had a deal--you said
 you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck
 you until we had this fuck out of the
 fucking picture.
 (moves in on Tucker)
 You crossed the line, man.
Tucker backs away nervously. 
 TUCKER
 Whoa, whoa, you're getting crazy now. Why
 would I cross the line--what do you think I
 got no pride?
Healy grabs Tucker by the neck.
 TUCKER (cont'd)
 I swear! I didn't tell her nothing! You
 probably did it yourself, you piece of
 shit.
 HEALY
 Oh that makes a lot of sense. Why would I
 rat myself out?
 TUCKER
 Like I'm going to try to figure out a guy
 who's idea of courting is blowing farts in
 the chick's face
 HEALY
 You were following us?
 TUCKER
 Don't flatter yourself--I was following
 her, I always do. How the hell you think
 I got rid of Mary's boyfriend Steve?
This gets Ted's attention.
 TED
 You mean...Steve didn't say all that stuff
 about Warren?
 TUCKER
 Are you shitting me--Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?
 He was like a fucking eagle scout. You two
 should be kissing my balls--if it wasn't
 for me, she might've married that schmuck!
Ted thinks about this.
 TED
 The hell with you both--I'm out of here.
Ted walks out the door leaving Healy and Tucker to stare each
other down. Just then Hal the Great Dane walks out of the bedroom
with a CEREAL BOX stuck on his head. Healy does a double-take,
then looks back at the snake.
 HEALY
 (sadly)
 Oh...Sully.
 TUCKER
 Look, if it wasn't you who sent the letter,
 and it wasn't me who sent it?
 CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
CLOSE ON an alarmed Mary.
 MARY
 Woogie? What are what are you doing here?
REVERSE ANGLE reveals Dom sitting on her bed.
 DOM
 Did you get my letter, Mare? The one about 
 Ted?
 MARY
 You sent that?
 DOM
 Uh-huh. I was worried about you.
 MARY
 Well...thank you. But...you know you're not
 supposed to be within four hundred yards of
 me.
 DOM
 (excited)
 That's what I want to tell ya. I've been
 through two years of extensive
 psychotherapy and you know what? You were
 right--I needed help.
 MARY
 (cautious)
 That's great, Woogie, I'm happy you're
 better--you seem...good--but...you put me
 through quite an ordeal, you know.
Dom nods aggressively.
 MARY (cont'd)
 I had to move, go to court, change my last
 name--you stole all my shoes!
Dom stands up.
 DOM
 Look at me.
Mary turns her head.
 DOM (cont'd)
 Look at me, Mary. On my mother's soul, on
 God above, on everything that is holy to
 me, I did not steal your shoes.
 MARY
 Woogie, I caught you red-handed.
 DOM
 All right, I did, but I was in a weird
 place then.
He approaches her.
 DOM (cont'd)
 Give me a break, Mare, I was nuts!
Mary backs into the living room.
 CUT TO:
INT. HEALY'S CAR - DAY
Healy and Tucker are parked right out front LISTENING TO THIS
CONVERSATION. They seem concerned.
 MARY (V.O.)
 Woogie, please, you're starting to scare me.
 HEALY
 Who the hell's Woogie?
Tucker just shrugs.
BACK ON Mary and Dom. =~
 MARY
 I'm asking you to leave.
 DOM
 (gentle)
 Oh, Mary, honey, you're taking this all
 wrong.
 (beat)
 I'm not leaving...
BACK IN HEALY'S CAR
 DOM (cont'd) (V.O.)
 ...Not until I get a little something to
 remember you by.
 MARY (V. O . )
 (clearly struggling)
 Stop that! No! Somebody help me!!!!!
Healy and Tucker jump out of the car and RUN INTO THE BUILDING.
 CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY
Healy and Tucker STORM INTO THE ROOM and freeze at what they see.
THEIR POV - Dom is cradling SEVERAL PAIRS OF SHOES in his arms
and trying to crawl to the door while Mary holds him back.
 MARY
 Stop it!
 DOM
 Just one pair! You owe me that much, you
 heartless bitch!
Healy and Tucker grab Dom and throw him down on the couch.
 HEALY
 Dom, you're pathetic, fucking over your
 friend Ted like that.
 DOM
 What? You fucked him over, too.
 HEALY
 He's no friend of mine.
Suddenly Magda ENTERS from her bedroom. She's holding a half-eaten
BANANA SPLIT. Herb, the Homeless Man, follows after her, sporting
a Tom Jones and buttoning up his shirt.
 MAGDA
 What the hell's going on here?
At first no one knows what to say. Then:
 HEALY
 We're in love with your roommate.
 MAGDA
 Aw, Christ, I can't take it anymore. I'm
 gonna pack my bags and go back to my own
 place.
Magda heads back into her bedroom and Herb follows.
 MARY
 Tucker, where are your crutches?
Tucker is stumped for a second, then:
 TUCKER
 (British accent)
 Interesting query, Mary...
Healy slaps Tucker in the back of the head.
 HEALY
 Shut the fuck up and tell her the truth.
Before he can respond, Ted ENTERS.
 TUCKER
 Well isn't this nice--now we've got the
 whole gang together.
Ted can hardly believe Dom is there.
 TED
 Dom? What are you?
 DOM
 You stole her from me. Now I want her back.
 MARY
 (rolling eyes)
 Woogie and I went out for awhile in high
 school.
 TED
 (stunned)
 You're Woogie?
 DOM
 Dom Wooganowski. Duh.
 TED
 But but you're married. You have kids a
 great wife.
 DOM
 If you're so happy with them, please, be my
 guest.
 HEALY
 If I may I have a proposal.
Everyone turns to Healy.
 HEALY (cont'd)
 I say none of us leave this room until our
 young Mary here stops jerking us around and
 decides once and for all who she wants. Now
 Mary, I know this is difficult but you
 really will be doing them all a favor to
 tell them the truth about us.
 MARY
 Are you crazy? Why would I pick you? You're
 a murderer.
Healy glares at Tucker.
 TUCKER
 Uh, well...not exactly. You see, I
 exaggerated a little there.
 MARY
 You mean he's not a criminal?
 HEALY
 God no!
 (pleased)
 I'm just a pathological liar!
Mary looks at Tucker, confused.
 MARY
 Tucker...not you, too?
Tucker lowers his head and reluctantly nods.
 TUCKER
 Name's Norm. I live up in Pompano with my
 folks.
 MARY
 Oh Jesus...
Just then the door opens and BRETT FAVRE, the Packers quarterback
ENTERS, with Warren (wearing a walkman) beside him. Everyone is
stunned.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Brett...?
 BRETT FAVRE
 Hi, Mary.
 HEALY
 What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?
 BRETT FAVRE
 We're in town to play the Dolphins.
 TED
 I called him. I told him to pick up Warren
 and get over here.
everyone turns their attention to Ted.
 TED (cont'd)
 Mary, I found out that your buddy Tucker
 there lied to you about Brett.
Tucker lowers his head.
 TED (cont'd)
 Brett never said anything bad about Warren.
 He loves Warren...and from what he just
 told me on the phone, he loves you, too.
 (beat)
 He's the guy you should be with.
 BRETT FAVRE
 That's right, Mare. And you know I'll
 always be true to you.
 DOM
 Aw shit, this isn't fair.
Mary manages a smile.
 TED
 (to Mary)
 I realized something tonight. I'm no better
 than any of these guys. None of them really
 love you...they just fixated on you because
 of how you made them feel. But that's not
 real love...Thank you for letting me see
 that. Now I can get on with the rest of my
 life.
Tucker, Healy, and Dom scoff.
 TUCKER
 Oh please...
 DOM
 Don't listen to him, Mary. It's a ploy.
 HEALY
 You are so full of shit, Strohman. Are you
 going to stand here and tell us that you
 aren't in love with this girl?
Ted looks into Mary's eyes. She looks vulnerable.
 TED
 Yeah...that's what I'm telling you.
 (winks)
 See you, Mare.
Ted looks Mary in the eye, then starts for the door.
 TED (cont'd)
 (as he passes Warren)
 See you, Warren.
 WARREN
 Huh...?
Ted lifts the earphones off Warren's ear.
 TED
 See you, Warren.
 WARREN
 Bye, Ted.
Ted then WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. They all stand there in silence
for a moment, then Dom turns to Brett Favre.
 DOM
 Hey, Brett, any chance I can get you to
 autograph one of these pumps for me?
 CUT TO:
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
Ted is walking down the street BLUBBERING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
Everyone he passes stares at him. Suddenly Mary comes running down
the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.
 MARY
 Ted!
Ted stops and looks across the street at her. He wipes his eyes,
hopeful.
 TED
 What what are you doing here?
 MARY
 You forgot your keys!
She holds up a RABBIT FOOT KEY-CHAIN.
 TED
 (deflated)
 Oh. Thanks.
They remain across the street from one another.
 MARY
 Did you mean what you said back there, Ted?
Ted starts to well up again.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Ted...?
 TED
 (looking down)
 I...I just want you to be happy, Mary.
 MARY
 But I think I'd be happiest...with you.
Ted just stares at her.
 TED
 You're fucking with me, right?
Mary smiles.
 TED (cont'd)
 (wiping eyes)
 But but what about Steve?
 MARY
 Oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun--the guy
 doesn't even drink beer or gamble.
Now Ted smiles.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Get over here.
 TED
 Really?
 MARY
 Really.
The BEAMING Ted starts walking across the street. Suddenly a BUS
WHIZZES BY AND SMACKS TED BROADSIDE. He bounces around under the
bus like a rag doll, then finally squirts out the back end and
TUMBLES TO A LIMP STOP.
Mary SCREAMS and runs toward the body as a CROWD begins to gather.
 MARY
 Ted, no, no....!
She starts giving him CPR. Somebody covers him with a blanket.
Just then, another CAR WHIZZES OVER HIS FEET like speedbumps. The
crowd winces.
 MARY (cont'd)
 Somebody hold up traffic!
 (beat)
 Come on, Ted. Come on. Tell me you're going
 to be okay.
Then Ted takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open.
 TED
 Mary....Oh Mary, I love you.
Mary's smile is as bright as the light from heaven.
 MARY
 I love you too, Ted.
 (beat)
 I think I always have.
As the two lovebirds kiss, a LADY CALLS OUT:
 LADY
 Over here! I found his foot! It was in the
 storm drain!
ON THE LADY as she holds up a SEVERED FOOT in a cloth.
 MARY
 All right, everyone, let's fan out and look
 for the penis!
As Ted REACTS to this, we pull UP, UP, UP, and
 FADE OUT.
 THE END
Category:Transcripts
Category:20th Century Fox Transcripts