Want to Reconcile the Violence in Your Heart

++ Altihex ++
The last few cycles have been monumental events for not only Blast Off but all of Cybertron. First there was the Great Debate, a televised verbal duel between him and the person he most cares about, Whirl. A debate where they had to act like they hated each toher and eventually tore into one another not only verbally but physically as well. Then Megatron and most of his Decepticons, including the shuttleformer, were captured and imprisoned for several days. The Combaticon was interrogated *more than once* (so popular) and heard some... very disturbing things about Whirl's alleged activities during that time. He's managed to get snatches of conversation in with the cyclops during this period, but never alone and unguarded.
When Blast Off escaped from jail (again), the first thing on his mind was to speak with Whirl. Once his basic duties were done and he was able to sneak away, that's exactly what he did. To Altihex. To their starlit bench. He sent a radio message to Whirl to meet him here and now here he sits on that bench, looking up at the stars. Occasionally he glances around, as if a bit nervous.
Everything happened so fast. One second Whirl was storming the Forge with the other Enforcers, the next second he's stepping over bodies in a desperate attempt to escape the now Decepticon controlled facilty. There's also all that stuff that happened between those two events but Whirl's trying not to think about that right now. Or ever, for that matter. He's doing his best to stay focused on his job and dealing with the aftermath of the Senate slaughter and the jailbreak that followed.
Until he gets that message.
Finding a convenient excuse to leave and shirking his responsiblities onto a lower-ranked Enforcer, Whirl leaves everything behind and makes his way to Altihex as fast as his engines can move him. He knows exactly where to meet the shuttleformer without being told, the coordinates of their romantically-dubbed 'starlit bench' having been saved in his memory since their first meeting there.
Whirl watches Blast Off from a shady alleyway for a while, waiting for any foot traffic through the area to clear up, before he approaches. "Freedom suits you, Blast Off."
And that's the beauty of it. All either of them have to do is mention "Altihex" and they both know where to go. Now had this happened before that last meeting in the interrogation room, when Blast Off got a moment- if not in complete privacy then as much as was possible then- he might have been even MORE nervous about this. More worried that Whirl might actually hate him, and would not only meet him here himself but bring in a squad of enforcers to haul him back to prison. The fact that he sent the message and is waiting is an indication of trust. But there are questions. SO many questions. And while time is not as short as it was just a few cycles ago, he can still feel it pressing down on him.
The Combaticon is just looking back up to the stars again when he hears that voice. Violet optics shine like the stars above as they turn back to the planet and to the other mech standing before him. His head tilts thoughtfully to the side as he gazes at Whirl now, and when he speaks he sounds both pleased to see Whirl- but also abit tired and strained. "...Yes, thank you. I think it does, too." Just the thought of that inhibitor claw on him causes him to stretch gratefully, flexing his arms in front of him. "I... hate those restraints. That cell... all of it was rather... suffocating."
His gaze returns to Whirl as his hands rest on the bench on wither side of him. "...And I truly appreciated the chance to move again in that room... and the chance to speak." There's a pause. "I'm glad you escaped from there in one piece, too."
Likewise, Whirl wasn't one hundred percent sure that he could trust Blast Off to meet him alone. The last time he saw the shuttleformer, it was in an interrogation room right before Swift Blade and Vortex came to his rescue. He can't say for sure what the seeker femme thinks about all this, but he knows that Vortex is very much /not cool/ with him or his involvement with Blast Off. Who knows what thoughts he put in the other Combaticon's head? This could just be one big set-up.. but it's probably not.
"I know it's hard to believe but it wasn't much better outside of the cells. That place really drains you, no matter what side of the bars you're on." There's a pause as he considers. "..Of course, being the prisoner is way worse but whatever, I'm just glad you're out." Too bad a bunch of Enforcers and ALL OF THE SENATE had to die in the process.
The cyclops takes a seat next to Blast Off all casual-like as if he isn't absolutely elated at being able to just relax and talk with the other mech for once in what feels like a century. "Yeah, I'm glad I got out too. It was pretty touch-and-go for a while there. I though the 'Cons were just going to leave but they ended up sticking around and setting up camp, Acuity and I had to sneak our way out."
Trust is a funny thing. It's a definite give and take, and it's always been hard for Blast Off to do either. But he *wants* to believe, and the glimmers of hope he received from Whirl, like the mention of the watch and their last talk, all encouraged him to try again. Even if it is hard- because Whirl is worth it to him. The shuttleformer doesn't respond much as Whirl sits next to him- neither flinching away nor leaning closer. His whole manner is tired- and as a recently escaped prisoner that might be understandable. "Indeed, it does drain you. I'm.. exhausted. I didn't fully recharge the entire time I was there, I was cramped and uncomfortable and sure I was about to die... or worse, and..." He sighs and shakes his head. "Anyway... I am out now, yes. Free again. I intend to stay that way."
He looks up at Whirl. "I was worried when I realized the Decepticons had taken the facility and you were still in there, though I knew I'd soon hear about it if they had captured you. I am relieved to hear you got out." And that's true. Despite the questions lancing through his mind, he wants that put out first and foremost. "And I guess this... planetary conflict has taken another step. Gone to... another level."
Hearing Blast Off's account of his time in custody makes Whirl feel horrible but it's impossible to tell as he projects no outward emotion. He knows about Blast Off's history as a prisoner and how those experiences shaped him as a person, and he can only imagine how terrified and uncomfortable the shuttleformer was during his stay at the Security Forces headquaters. The conditions probably didn't help, what with it being packed to three times it's maximum occupancy, and the being randomly pulled for interrogations that may or may not end in a near-fatal beating. It makes him sick to think that he helped put him there.
"Hmpth, yeah, Decepticons REALLY hate me. I doubt they would've bothered to capture me, they'd probably just tear me apart on the spot and bring what's left of my head to Megatron." If he's lucky, that's all they'd do to him. Considering his reputation amongst the Decepticons and the rumors involving his interrogation with Pursuit, he can only imagine the torture some of them (Barricade) would put him through.
Whirl is not oblivious to Blast Off's body language. While the Combaticon is often hesitant to initiate physical contact, the way he keeps his distance even here on 'their' bench.. it's different. It's.. cold, and he notices it. "This planetary conflict, as you gracefully put it, is on it's way to becoming a full-fledged war. The entire Senate was murdered. That's a pretty big deal, big enough to start a war."
It /was/ weird to see Whirl as part of the crew that came in and arrested everyone. Not unexpected, but still difficult to see in real time. To see how Whirl really *is* an enemy soldier when push comes to shove- or shooting, or stun guns, or gas and inhibitor claws. And right after their debate, too. Whirl is correct in picking up a subtle change as the standoffish shuttleformer just sits there, even here on the bench. There are many things playing about his mind, and he offers glimpses one at a time.
The mention of the Senate and of war causes the Combaticon to glance up towards the skyline of the city. He is silent for a long moment, then agrees, "....Yes. The Decepticons have raised the stakes, and what's left of the government isn't going to take that lying down. The fighting will only escalate now." His optics narrow just slightly and he looks over at the taller mech. "I can't pretend that I feel sorry for what happened to the Senate. Given all that they have done, this was simply justice at work."
There's a pause as he glances off again. "However... it won't end there. Emotions will obscure logic and tensions will rise. Autobots and Decepticons' clashes will only become more frequent. Either the Autobots will capture the Decepticons again- and this time I have to wonder if they'll bother with prison- or the Decepticons will burn every last Autobot to the ground. Including you. ....Especially you. If you would perhaps... keep your head down, perhaps that animosity would subside. A little." His optics dim briefly. "...But I've... heard some things. Reasons that... that animosity might only have /grown/. ...Prison rumors."
In Whirl's opinion, the Senate being wiped out is the best thing to come out of this whole ordeal. One look at him would tell you why; he's empurata, his very appearance is a direct result of the Senate's intervention. They're all dead now and that pleases Whirl very much, even though it will inevitably cause a war that will ruin his life more than empurata ever could but eh, revenge and such.
Whirl listens intently to what Blast Off says though he doesn't look at him, instead tilting his head back to gaze up at the stars. It's true, he really should keep his head down. He /is/ some kind of terrible boogeyman to Decepticons, a walking, talking, transforming example of everything that is wrong with this world. The monster who beat Megatron unarmed in a prison cell. The one Megatron pointed to as his inspiration to resist with violence. The empurata.
Itsnd then Blast Off has to go ahead and bring up those prison rumors.
Immediately Whirl is on edge and it shows by the way he tenses. Claws flex and body shifts upon the bench, the cyclops keeping his gaze towards the sky though he angles his head away from Blast Off in an attempt to hide the faint flickering of his optic. "I didn't take you as the sort of person to put worth in things like rumors." His tone is short and defensive.
This is what Blast Off has been dreading. The questions he'd had since those rumors started- and then his talk with Feint. The rumors he'd /like/ to think aren't true. Even though he is very, very concerned that they are. And Whirl's immediate defensiveness doesn't help his case. The shuttleformer's optics draw down to those flexing claws... but it's a look that seems to be gauging the damage Whirl did to him during the Debate than any more amorous thoughts.
"Rumors are tricky things, yes. Sometimes they are groundless slander fabricated to make someone look bad." His gaze comnes back up to Whirl. "And sometimes, especially when corroborated with known facts, they prove to be grounded in reality." His head tilts and he looks at the cyclops intently. "...Which would you say these are?"
Whirl doesn't know that Feint has already spoken to Blast Off about this matter. She told him that it was something that was going to stay between the two of them, something no one else had to know about. As far as he knows, Blast Off is purely going off rumor and has absolutely zero inside information that would prove that rumor to be true. And so Whirl takes a cue from his most favorite mech and tackles this problem the same way he would..
Deny, deny, deny.
"It's just a rumor, okay!? You know how much the Decepticons hate me, is it really any surprise that they would make things up to slander me? I guess my crimes against Megatron isn't enough anymore, they have to fabricate ridiculous lies!"
Blast Off does have additonal knowledge, but for now he keeps it close to the vest. He wants to see what Whirl does- and what he omits. The shuttleformer just gazes up evenly, listening to this. To what he suspects is either the fudging of truth- or pure, outright lies. "....True. Perhaps that is all it is." Violet optics continue to fix upon the cyclops and his voice remains calm. "Then tell me, what did happen?"
Whirl doesn't want to have to lie to Blast Off, he really doesn't. The shuttleformer is probably the only person in this world he trusts and he wants to be totally and completely honest with him about everything but he can't. Not about this. He can never admit to Blast Off the terrible act he comitted against Pursuit.
"..Okay fine. You want to know what happened?" Whirl leans forward, staring out in the distance infront of him as he speaks. "I wanted to find out what the deal was with that Decepticon femme, Pursuit. The one that Barricade is so protective of. I wanted to find out more about her and her relationship with that slagheap." He rests his elbows on his knees and interlocks his claws, trying to look composed despite the rapidly growing sense of guilt inside him. "So I took her into the interrogation room. She wasn't cooperating so I started to get rough. I slammed her into the table and that's when Feint walked in and intervened."
While Whirl speaks, Blast Off continues listening intently. He doesn't give away much expression, his faceplate masking any flickers of emotion pretty well. He watches every little gesture, every little pause. Once the cyclops has finished, the shuttle keeps that steady stare for a moment, then glances away... back to the stars in the horizon. "I see." Another pause. "Well, we have always been honest with one another, barring putting on a show for public consumption.... so..." He straightens a little, mimicing Whirl just a little as he places his hands on his knees and drums his fingers once. "Well. I'm glad we cleared that up then. You really should have been.. gentler to Pursuit. She's quite literally a newspark, after all."
Blast Off keeps his gaze skyward for awhile after that, his gaze seeming to drift across the vast reaches of the galaxy itself before pulling down to Cybertron again. Then his head turns to Whirl as if a thought just occurred to him. A hand reaches over and brushes softly against one of Whirl's claws. "*I* on the other hand, do not need gentle... handling." He looks intently up at the other mech. "...And it's been... quite awhile.... if you know what I mean."
Blast Off.. believes him? It takes Whirl everything he's got to keep from sighing outloud with relief at that. Crisis averted, right? Still, he can't help but feel a pang of guilt and shame at lying to Blast Off's face like that but if it means the shuttleformer will still look him in the eye.. "Yeah, you're right. Maybe I /was/ a little rough with her." Whirl suddenly becomes sullen, his optic dimming just slightly. "Had I known she was so young..."
There's a noticable twitch when Blast Off runs a hand over his claws. That touch coupled with those words that come out of the other mech's mouth is more than enough to get the cyclops worked up. They haven't been intimate in quite a while and given everything that has happened, Whirl feared that Blast Off would no longer want that with him but he has nothing to worry about because Blast Off is TOTALLY into it still, right? RIGHT?
Whirl scoots closer to the shuttleformer, an arm snaking around his waist and pulling him against his body. "Mmm, I know exactly what you mean." He leans in, pressing that not-face of his against the other's cheek. "I want you so bad, Blast Off." WAIT. What's he thinking!? He can't interface Blast Off yet. Not until he can find away to properly hide those horrible memories from him.
"..But maybe we should just hardline this time, you know to uh.. switch it up."
Violet optics never leave Whirl's not-face as his fingers brush against the cyclop's claw. And then he's pulled in close, and Blast Off can't stop cooling fans from kicking in as Whirl nuzzles him. It feels so good, too. So right. And maybe, perhaps... if Whirl is willing to do this, then perhaps this concern he had was for nothing. Whirl's got nothing to hide. Those fans begin to humm a little louder, and the shuttleformer leans in to bring a hand up to that not-face.
And then Whirl says that. Blast Off stiffens slightly. Then his hand goes back to caressing the cyclops. "No... no, I need ... the full thing this time. Maybe we could even share experiences... help each other sort through what happened, make sense of what's happened. These are troubling times we both just lived through, after all. I'm sure it's been stressful on us both. I want you to SEE that I meant none of the vulgar things I said to you before."
Whirl leans into Blast Off's hands, loving every moment they caress him. It feels so good to be close again, to feel the warmth of the shuttleformer's energy field, and to hear those cooling fans of his kick in. Blast Off's attempt to encourage him to share an interface definitely gets to Whirl, the cyclops wanting nothing more than to experience that with him again and feel all the pleasure that comes with it.
But there's a noise in his head that wont stop, a noise that grows louder at the notion of sharing everything with the shuttleformer. It's screaming, and it's coming from Pursuit as she struggles underneath him.
Whirl jerks away from Blast Off, pushing himself to the very edge of the bench to put space between them. His head is turned and his optic is fixated on a random spot in the distance.
"...I can't."
And then Whirl- the mech who had flirted with, teased or pursued Blast Off in one form or fashion since their first meeting, the mech who was always pressing in physically, testing to see how far in the shuttle's space he could get, the mech who was often the first and most enthusiastic initiator of that physicality.... Whirl suddenly pulls away and puts space between them. And Blast Off's spark sinks, for now he knows the truth.
Blast Off's demeanor turns colder as he straightens up and stares at the other mech who refuses to look back at him. His voice reflects some of that chilliness, too, as he queries, "....And *why* is that? You don't have .../something to hide/, do you?"
It really does hurt to have to turn down Blast Off. It's something Whirl never expected to happen nor did it he ever want it to happen. It has to be this way though, doesn't it? He can't let Blast Off find out. He can't let anyone find out. He just has to ignore it. Ignore it, deny it, anything to make it go away.
He’s suddenly reminded of the conversation he had with Acuity, when he scoffed at the idea of having his bad memories taken away because he was tired of running. It was and still is true. He IS tired of running.
Whirl stands now, his back turned to Blast Off. "I can't do it, Blast Off. I can't do it because I lied to you. I lied to you about what happened in that interrogation room. Those rumors you heard... they're true."
Blast Off is still sitting when Whirl stands and confesses- and it's a good thing, too, for just as he did in Feint's office, Blast Off feels like he's suddenly falling. The sense of vertigo makes him clutch at the edges of the bench as he reels from that and tries to hold on. The shuttleformer's optics dim as his head hangs down sluightly, suddenly looking extremely tired. He finally finds his voice again, and there's a flicker of anger in it. "*WHY* did you do that? I mean... what *possible* reason did you have to do that? ...To that... that *newspark*? *REALLY*?"
"BECAUSE I WANTED TO HURT BARRICADE!" Whirl snaps, spinning around to face Blast Off, arms held in the air. "I wanted to hurt him for what he did to Shiftlock! He throws her onto the streets, lets her die, and then goes out and REPLACES her!? He needed to be hurt in the worst way possible and I was the only one who could do it!"
Whirl turns around again, too ashamed to look Blast Off in the eyes. He continues to speak after a long pause but his voice is quiet and strained. "I didn't.. I didn't know she so young." As if doing what he did to someone older would be any better.
"So YOU TAKE OUT THAT ANGER on BARRICADE, not a femme who knew nothing of all this!!" Blast Off's armor plates are bristling as he glares up at the other mech. "Why didn't you interrogate HIM?! Now HIM I could understand!" The shuttle pauses to shake his head. "I mean...I can't say I wish *death* upon him, but..." Another pause as he looks away. "It IS his fault what happened to Shiftlock. ...At least partially. I won't argue with you on that one. Claiming to care, then casting her out with a *kill order*." Blast Off slumps a little, shaking his head. "But this... this was..." His voice trails off as he can't quite think what to say.
At the mention of age, Blast Off's head leans back and he looks up at the stars, that tired expression quite present. "...I...I know how...difficult that is to tell. I mean, I never would have... done those things with Shiftlock had I known. It's not like you can really know those things just by looking, I...I will give you that." There's a moment of silence, then the Combaticon's gaze returns to Whirl- or his back, as the case may be. "That doesn't excuse it, though. Trying to... force a connection like that. On anyone, especially someone who can't defend themselves." The shuttle's optics narrow. "Do you actually THINK that's Okay? Is this something I should expect from you in the future? Let's say you've already had a REALLY bad day. You want an interface and I make it quite clear I'm not in the mood. No games, no question- truly not in the mood... What then, Whirl?"
His head leans forward and he glares pointedly at the cyclops, becoming still as the night around them. "Are you going to try to force one anyway?"
Why didn't Whirl interrogate Barricade? Because Barricade is tough. Whirl could've strapped him to a chair and beat the scrap out of him for days straight but that still wouldn't hurt him as bad as having the precious daughter he tried to protect violated no more than a room's length away from where he was, restrained and unable to help her. It's a sick thought, REAL sick, but it's the truth. Of course, Whirl doesn't even bother trying to explain this thought process to Blast Off because it's not like it would justify what he did anyway.
Whirl just stands there, his back still turned to the shuttleformer, as he's lectured about how incredibly messed up this whole situation really is. This conversation would be uncomfortable enough as is, but having to have to with your lover of all people? It's shameful. It's disgusting. /He's/ shameful. /He's/ disgusting. The cyclops is completely silent and unmoving, not even a twitch of his rotors in reaction to any of the things Blast Off says.
Until the hypothetical involving an uninterested Blast Off and an aggressive Whirl.
It's like being stabbed in the spark, hearing that. The fact that that is now a thing that Blast Off has to consider is a slap in the face, a reminder that what he did was completely irredeemable, unforgiveable. Unforgettable.
"It wasn't like that." Whirl turns around, staring at Blast Off through a dimmed optic. "And I wouldn't do that to you. Never."
Blast Off's pointed stare continues taking this all in- every gesture, the dimmed optic, every word. He doesn't move, doesn't even twitch. His stillness is reflected in his voice. "....What about someone else?"
Whirl continues to stare at Blast Off, gaze fixated on those violet optics of his. The two of them could probably go on like this forever, especially now that the shuttleformer's gotten so good at blank, emotionless staring. The question posed to him is what finally makes the cyclops stare to falter, Whirl quickly looking away.
"What do you want me to say, Blast Off? I'm the bad guy. I'm the monster who beat Megatron in his cell, the one he points to as the inspiration for his violence. This is.. what I am."
Yes, Blast Off has picked up a few things from Whirl- including that emotionless staring, which continues a moment longer after he receives that answer. Then, slowly, he leans back where he sits on the bench and brings up a hand to rub down his face. "That certainly could be easy to believe, especially now. And yes, Megatron does use you as a boogeyman. With reason. You do not walk in the light, Whirl. I don't know if you ever have. You are angry, you yourself have been... violated, you wish to strike out at a world that views you with disdain. You not only have your... shadow side, but I think you embrace it."
The shuttleformer places his hands back on either side of him, gripping the edge of the bench as he looks away. "Most people have a shadow side. Whether they..." there's an uncomfortable wing elevon twitch, "...want to admit it or not." His face turns to regard Whirl again. "Those shadows have their place, too, though. As a soldier and a Combaticon I know how one needs that darkness to help one do what they need to do- and to survive a battle, no matter how brutal and desperate it becomes. Sometimes you *need* that shadow to hide in.... so you can strike your enemies unawares... sometimes you need to lose yourself to the shadow in order to do things you MUST do but could not do otherwise."
There's a moment of silence as memories play in his mind, then he continues. "You and I... even /we/ have... we have been known to... perhaps dabble on the edge of that ourselves. *Push* things a... a little bit. Play with... boundaries. Play with... pain. In private. Together." His black hand comes up to flex in front of his face before dropping down once more. "And I know you enjoy it. I know you push it- like you push a *lot* of things. Like you push a lot of *people*." The shuttleformer's violet optics come up to gaze at the cyclops once more. "There are so many reasons for me- or for anyone else- to believe you when you say you are a monster. But... you're forgetting something." His head tilts just slightly as he taps a finger against his helmet. "I've been up in that head of yours, Whirl." He leans just slightly forward. "I *know* you. And I know... there's something worth salvaging up there."
Whirl keeps his 'face' turned away as Blast Off speaks, completely silent. There's nothing for him to say. What /could/ he say? Nothing the shuttleformer says is wrong and he knows it. For now he just stands and listens, though the part about what they do in private together and how he tends to push the boundaries of what he can and can't do during makes him twitch. Memories of the shuttleformer squirming under him, his claws buried underneath the mech's armor and twisting, threatening to slowly pry it right off his body run through his head. He DOES enjoy it, and he DOES push it. He pushes a lot of things.
And a lot of people.
Whirl turns his head, meeting Blast Off's violet optics with his singular, yellow one. There's a flicker of that optic at the comment about the Combaticon having been inside of his head and knowing him. It's true, Blast Off /does/ know him, more than anyone else on this miserable planet. He's seen pretty much everything and yet he still sticks around.
"Is it really worth it, Blast Off?" Whirl steps towards the bench and takes a seat upon it's farthest edge. "Is whatever you claim is salvageable worth the consequences of being with me? A lot of people have reason to hate me, and they'll have a lot of reasons to hate you if it comes out that you're not only associating with, but interfacing with, the enemy.. with /me./ Is it really worth it?"
Blast Off watches as Whirl sits back down. A little bit closer, though there is still a space between them- and it's not purely a physical one. He stares at the other mech, considering the question- and it isn't an easy one. His gaze slowly drifts away, down and then off towards the skyline once more. ".... Right now? ...I don't know." There's another pause as he further mulls over the question. "I... am having difficulty with what you did." He glances back up, expression just a bit sad. "And... yes, if my relationship with you is exposed to the public, my reputation with a... a number of people will probably be shot, and... well, *I* will likely be shot too at that point. Or worse." It's a grim reality, but it's the truth. He lifts an optic ridge at that drily.
Then his expression slowly shifts, growing a bit... harder, determined. "But you ought to know my answer by now. I make my /own/ choices. I will *not* allow others to dictate those choices for me, nor allow myself to be cowed by the fear of what *might* happen or who might disapprove. I don't give a /flying flick of smeltpool splatter/ what they say, or what they think. It's none of their slagging business who I choose to spend my time with."
That answer isn't what Whirl wanted to hear at all but at the same time, it's kind of what he was expecting. If the roles were reversed, if it was Blast Off admitting to him that he forced an interface on a newspark, that would also be his answer to that question. When he plugged into Pursuit in that interrogation room, he wasn't thinking about the consequences. He wasn't thinking about what it would do to her, what it would do to /him./ He didn't think about Blast Off or how it would affect him and what it would mean for their relationship. All he was thinking about was his anger and his guilt.
The shuttleformer mentions the things that will befall him should they ever be exposed, something Whirl thinks about more often than not, and then he starts going on about how he chooses his own destiny and how he doesn't let anyone tell him what to do and all that other stuff. Whirl loves it, he thinks it's great that Blast Off, someone who denies his true feelings about pretty much everything ever, is passionate enough about something to speak his mind unabashedly.
"So what IS your choice? Now that you know what I'm capable of, the things I am willing to do.. will you stay?"
Indeed, Blast Off has a lot to digest. This is a position he never wanted to be placed in and he doesn't have any easy, trite answers. No way to simply kiss and make it better. The shuttleformer gazes up now, towards those stars he loves so much, and loses himself in them for just a little bit as he contemplates his answer. Then his face turns down as he reaches into subspace for something. It takes a moment- it seems pretty well tucked in there. But soon he's brought out- a watch. Whirl's watch. He kept it safe, despite everything else that's happened- he still has IT.
The shuttle's black, nimble fingers slowly twirl the gadget in his palm, opening it up so he can observe the delicate, finely tuned mechanisms inside. Every tiny little gear and cog, still working in perfect harmony and synch even after all this time. "This watch is a tiny masterpeice. A piece of art, a thing of beauty." He holds up the watch to his face now. "And I have to believe that the mech who made this, despite the surface ugliness he /can/ display, could only create such a thing of beauty if there wasn't some of it inside himself already. You can't create in a vacuum."
The watch comes down onto his lap and he looks at the cyclops. "...You can still care about someone, even if you hate some of their behavior. ....Yes, I'll stay."
Whirl waits anxiously for Blast Off's answer, fearing the worst when the shuttleformer glances up at those stars and hesitates. If he says no, that he wants nothing more to do with him, he'd understand. He'd be upset as all hell but he'd understand. He's about to say something, maybe tell Blast Off that it's O.K if he wants to walk away, but he stops when the other mech begins digging around in his subspace compartment to retrieve...
His watch. The one he gave to Blast Off all that time ago, as an unspoken confession of his feelings for him. He still has it, even after the horrible things that were said at the debate, even after his involvement in the mass arrest in Kaon, and the rumors that spread through the cells about his interrogation with Pursuit... and then the confirmation of those rumors. He still has it.
"I'm glad to hear it.. I don't know what I'd do without you." Whirl not-so-subtley scoots closer. "I love you, Blast Off. I really do. Which is why I have to tell you something.. There's more to the story. About Pursuit."
Blast Off notices Whirl scoot closer, too. He doesn't protest it, either. And for the first time, though he still looks a little weary the trace of a smile plays on his lips under his faceplate. "...I love you, too." Then Whirl mentions the "something", and the shuttleformer becomes quite still, except to look up at the other mech intently. "....I know. ...Feint talked to me. She... told me what happened."
Now his optics dim before brightening again. "I wanted to hear this from you though. I.. trust you, I didn't know if I could trust her." His head tilts up again with a sigh. "She said who... you found... /in/ there. Is that... true?"
"..Wait, what? You /knew/ about all this already?" Whirl does not sound the least bit amused by this revelation. It certainly makes him feel like an even bigger sleazeball for lying about it at first. Still, he understands the distrust of Feint and wanting to hear it confirmed from the source itself.
"...It is true." Whirl keeps his optic locked on Blast Off, hoping the news doesn't blow his mind and send him into stasis lock. "When I plugged into her-" A twitch of guilt when he says that. "-I could sense Shiftlock somewhere deep inside. Her spark pulse and the things I picked up during the connection, it was her, Blast Off! I know it was! Somehow.."
Blast Off has the decency to look a little bit awkward at the revelation that he kind of knew all along, but he told the truth- he wanted to hear it from Whirl. Feint *could* have been lying. He didn't think she was, but then again- she's an enemy Autobot with mind-altering powers. Mmmyeah. He listens, waiting for Whirl's answer and torn between desperately hoping it's true and wondering if it might actually be better for /everyone/, even Shiftlock, if false.... and then there's the finality of the answer.
No, it doesn't send Blast Off into stasis lock, but it is still a shock. Not quite as MUCH of a shock given that he heard it from Feint initially, but still it brings back that sense of vertigo. The Combaticon clutches the edges of his side of the bench once more, bracing himself as he feels like he could just fall right off. Maybe the edge of the world itself. He even sways a little and his head comes down, optics dimming. "Oh Primus..." Gaining a little equilibrium, his head lifts back up. "...How? How could... I thought she... was her death another Senate lie?"
He looks at Whirl directly, leaning forward, and his optics light up a bit more as a wave of cheer suddenly washes over him. "...But however it happened... she's ALIVE! She's *alive*, Whirl!" Then a pause- a shadow of suspicion- and uneasiness. "...Isn't she? Did she... did she seem to remember anything?"
And to think that Whirl was agonizing over whether or not to tell Blast Off what he saw inside Pursuit, not only because of how he found out, but also because of what it might do to the mech to learn such an incredibly shocking and unexpected twist. Turns out Feint told him about it already so all his worrying and hesitation was for naught.
There's an almost somber look to Whirl, not in his expression (obviously) but in the way he suddenly holds himself. "No. She has no idea." He thinks back to what he saw inside of the femme's head, how her life experiences consisted of forty-eight hours of innocence and curiousity, how she knew nothing except what Barricade and Soundwave told her. "She was.. completely and totally pure. Untainted by the cruelty of the world." A pause as that guilt fills him once again. "And the people in it."
He looks at Blast Off. "Don't tell her about Shiftlock. Don't try to trigger any memories or anything like that. The way she is now, ignorant of her 'past self' or whatever you want to call it, is best for her. She doesn't need that burden."
Blast Off picks up on that somber demeanor, and his initial joy at the thought of Shiftlock alive sobers with the thought of how that information was obtained, and what Whirl is saying. The shuttleformer's hands remain on the edge of the bench and his gaze cats downward thoughtfully. There's a moment of silence as he debates listening to this or not, as his desire to speak to Shiftlock again tries running off with him- but ultimately he knows what the answer must be. ".... I know. ...You're right." His head shakes slowly left and right. "I can't say the thought didn't cross my mind, but... you are right. Maybe this time she can find some... peace."
His optics dim a little before he looks up again. "I won't. What I *will* do is try to keep an optic on her... from a distance at least. Of course, Barricade is unlikely to let me anywhere near her anyway, but... if he EVER pulls a stunt like he did before... if he ever casts her out again," There's a subtle growl to his speech now, "...I will step in. At least enough to make sure she's safe." He tilts his head and looks at the cyclops. "And I'll inform you if anything drastic like that happens, too. It *wasn't* your fault what happened to her- at all. But I know how much a second chance would mean to you, too." On... more than one level, now... though he leaves that unsaid.
Yeah right. Peace. Maybe Pursuit could've had that if Whirl didn't step in and show her how messed up the world is and how people will try to hurt her, just like it was when she was Shiftlock. He hangs his head, optic staring blankly at his feet.
"No." Whirl wraps his arms around himself, claws twitching. "I don't want to hear anything about her after this. You keep telling me that it's not my fault what happened to Shiftlock. I tell myself that too. A lot. It helps me recharge at night. But I know the truth, I know all her problems happened after she met me BECAUSE she met me and.. it almost happened again." Thankfully Feint was ever so kind enough to restore Pursuit and remove her memory of that whole horrific experience so it's like it never even happened. Right?
Blast Off blinks as Whirl tells him *no*, then watches as the cyclops wraps his arms around himself in a desperate grab at self comfort where no comfort can be found. He pauses, stiffening just a little as he takes all this in, violet optics darting at ecah movement, each hint of self-loathing. And he makes no sudden moves, either to comfort or to scoff. Finally, though, the shuttleformer lets out a small sigh and leans back, glancing skyward as his hands shift back a little to let him angle himself comfortably this way. And there's another long moment as he loses himself in the stars as he seeks answers up there that aren't obvious down here.
"If that's what you want, then I will respect your wishes. But tell me, Whirl... do you *really* believe all her problems started the moment she met you? Do you really believe she was living a life of peace and prosperity, her future full of bright promise and not a trace of shadow before she met you? That her own behaviors might not have hinted at certain... traumas she was dealing with, even then?"
And then his head tilts as he shifts his focus back planetside to look at Whirl, who's last comment gets a hard stare. "No. It *did* happen. Thankfully she doesn't remember it... but *you* do." He glances at the cyclops, still huddled over there. "And look at yourself. Look at what you're doing right now. Does that look like *nothing happened*... or does that look like someone dealing with the consequences of a terrible decision. Dealing with a guilty conscience? As well he should in *that* case." Looks like Blast Off *can* be comforting when he feels it's deserved, but isn't afraid to bring out the tough love sometimes either.
It's hard for Whirl to admit it, considering he's supposed to be some crazy, tough guy, but all he really wants right now is for someone to hold him. To comfort him and tell him that it's o.k. But it's really, REALLY not o.k so there is no comfort to be found and he can't hold that against Blast Off.
"..Okay, yeah, maybe her life sucked before she met me." It's true, he saw it for himself during their interface. "But you can't deny that it didn't get way worse after what happened between us. Do you really think Blurr would've been able to manipulate her if she had the Decepticon's protection? She definitely wouldn't have been kidnapped and tortured by them if it weren't for me, you cant argue that."
There's a twitch of his claws and a dimming of the optic at Blast Off's words. He's right, she doesn't remember it but /he/ does. He always will. There's a silence from the cyclops as he just listens to the shuttleformer scold him as if it was his personal duty to make sure that Whirl feels bad about what he did, as if he needed the help.
"What am I supposed to do, Blast Off? You want me to confess what I did to everyone in hopes that it will redeem me? Should I go to Pursuit directly and beg her to forgive me of my sins? I feel like a horrible monster for what I did to her and I'm trying to repent by making sure she stays out of my life as much as possible. That includes hearing about what she's up to or what's happening to her."
The whole situation is a difficult one, and Blast Off is not much more certain what to do about it than Whirl. But he does remain here, and their bbench... and listens. "Her life *was* difficult, and one thing after another occured that built upon themselves until what should have been a few drops of oil, easily wicked off, became a drowning, smothering flood. If Senator Ratbat hadn't started the whole mess, she would have perhaps had a normal life, free of the turmoil she found. She was used, experimented on... and like me, found herself in a world of trouble once she questioned too much, saw too much. Then she lost the anchor in her life- Mercury. Had that core presence just take off- run out on her. Shiftlock herself ran into craziness with Drift... ran off with him for awhile. Ran off to Kaon for awhile. Then, when she was cast out, she ran to Nyon. /She was always running./ There was always something she was looking for that she never found. And..."
He shakes his head slowly for a moment, his voice quieting. "...And no, I can't say that the events which you were part of didn't negatively affect her... but YOU weren't even the one most to blame. I still place the majority of the blame on Barricade. You didn't know her- you tried to help her. Meanwhile, HE was supposed to be a sort of "gaurdian".... and what the SLAG kind of gaurdian throws out someone in their care for /one mistake/- AND places a *kill order* on them? THAT is far more messed up than anything you did. And YES, I'm even including the time you *stabbed* her."
The final comments bring Blast Off pause, and his shoulders slump down a little as he looks away. "....No. I am not saying you should confess anything to anyone... including to her. What I'm trying to say..." He looks back at Whirl, head tilted again, optics dimmed. "I'm trying to say that you're not half the monster you *think* you are, BECAUSE this bothers you so. If you were truly irredeemable, you'd be perfectly fine right now."
It's true, guilt makes a difference. It doesn't take back what he did, but Whirl honestly and truly feels remorse for it. He wishes he could take it back, not only because what he did was absolutely repulsive (it was) but also because it would mean he would've never seen the remnants of Shiftlock inside of Pursuit. He thinks he was better off not knowing.
Whirl looks up to meet Blast Off's gaze, fighting through his sense of shame to keep eye contact. "You say that now but.. if we were to interface again, you'll see it all for yourself. Do you think you'll still be able to say that when you experience it for yourself first hand?"
That question causes the shuttleformer's optics to widen and his whole body stiffens, fingers gripping at the bench tightly. It's a good question, too... one Blast Off has been asking himself since he learned of this. Those are memories he really *doesn't* want to have. Gaze breaking away, he can't quite look Whirl in the optic. "...I... I don't know. I..." His voice trails off as he can't quite think of something to say, some clever answer or sage piece of advice. All he can do is imagine... and shudder.
It's a tough question but it's one that needed to be asked. Physical and mental intimacy is an important part of their relationship and if Blast Off meant what he said about staying with him, then he's going to have to eventually deal with that particularly repulsive memory that resides inside of Whirl's head. Unless they just never ever interface again. The Combaticon looks away and Whirl goes back to staring at the ground in complete, dead silence. What can he possibly say?
And there is a long complete, dead silence, where Blast Off finds himself staring at the ground, too. It IS awkward, and difficult, and threatens their relationship, at least as it has been. *Would* they still have a relationship without the interfacing- without the mental and physical sharing that entails, without the absolute *trust* it implies?
Just when it seems there isn't anything left to say, Blast Off looks back up to the city horizon. "...I... am not sure what to make of all this- it's been a lot to digest. And I ...can't say it's something I'll just spring back from in an astrosecond, either. You did some horrible things." Then his gaze shifts back to the cyclops. "....But those aren't the only things you have ever done. Those aren't the only things that define you... or who you are as a person. Have you messed up? Yes. But you've also done positive things. You've also... had positive influences on people's lives." His gaze breaks away momentarily, then returns with a determination as he looks the cyclops right in the optic. "You have... had a positive influence on *my* life, Whirl. I have... learned things from you. Good things. And I want us to continue to... learn things from one another. The *good* things. There are behaviors... actions that never would have occured to me before. Behaviors I learned from *you*." He leans in just a little, optics bright.
The silence grows longer and the tension gets stronger, Whirl feeling increasingly uncomfortable. Maybe this is his cue to leave and give Blast Off some time alone to take in all of this. He's about to stand up when the shuttleformer speaks, Whirl keeping his optic on him.
The things Blast Off says about him having a positive influence on people's lives, and how the Combaticon has learned (and wants to continue learning) the good things he has to offer touches the cyclops. It means a lot to know that Blast Off can still see the good in him despite the monsterous things hes done.
Whirl leans in, closing the gap between them and touching what counts as his forehead against Blast Off's with an affectionate bonk. "Well.. I know I've picked up some bad habits from you. Haughty huffing, the aggressive denial.. the almost romantic fascination with the stars, the stubborn determination to carve a path not dictated to you by others.."
Blast Off not only lets Whirl move in but meets him halfway as their foreheads touch together. He doesn't even deny anything or argue as Whirl lists those bad habits. Admittedly true ones. Admittedly by anyone but him, most likely. Instead, he simply grins under his faceplate- and suddenly lunges forward to grab Whirl and draw him close for a tight embrace. Arms close around the cyclops' shoulders and hands grip either side of Whirl's head as they seek to comfort him.
A new warmth filters into his voice as he says, "Just shut up and let me hug you, you jerk."