Big Keglerton

This is an updated version of the original Big Keglerton duology, which was becoming outdated. The content written here is purely satirical, not a good story, and not intended to be well-written.Written with the help of a fantastic AI
== Act 1 ==
See Act 1 below!
=== Chapter 1 ===
It's the biggest TV reality show......... Big Keglerton. 10 houseguests living in a rural house in the city of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.... who will win the prize of $1 million dollars? We'll soon find out. I am Gary Hasselhoff, and today we're going to meet our new contestants, starting with...
Finolian! Known for doxxing people and for being a HHW AP.
"Hey, I didn't dox anyone! I just sold their personal information on the internet so I could buy a blender :star_struck:"
Caleb! Known for being a chat mod.
"That’s right. I was a chat. Mod. A chat mod."
Gied! Known for once being a xenophobe.
"Hey, that’s not true. I love the nation of Colombia, I really do."
FCX! Known for being normal.
"I've been here for 5 seconds and I already want to die so bad."
Dwight! Known for drawing stuff.
"Hey, I draw trees, what the hell is wrong with that?"
Kiko! An idiot and loudmouth.
"yo moma fat"
Default! Known for his obsessions.
"heh, i told you all I was a handsome man- wait WHAT"
And finally, Prism! A weird Slovakian man known for destroying property.
"I'm coming to America! I'm coming to America! WHERE YOU AT YO MAMA?!"
And there you have it, folks! The contestants of this reality show! They had a great moment today getting to know each other. Here's what happened when they joined the house:
CALEB: I thought you would be taller.
KIKO: Shut up, fatso.
CALEB: KIKO NO DOn't call me fatso! I'm not that fat!
GIED: Shut up, fatties. (hides in crate)
CALEB: (to house guests) See? Aren't they nice? I'm being insulted because I'm fat.
PRISM: samlik
FCX: Oh no Prism, don't start saying those random words again. You know what I mean.
PRISM: What, do you want me to turn into a horse or something?
FCX: Well, yes.
DEFAULT: i hate you finolian
FINOLIAN: i hate you too, twinkerbell
DEFAULT: shut up finn
FINOLIAN: fcx, you’re poo
DEFAULT: no you’re poo
HASSELHOFF: Alright everyone, let's stop fighting. Today is Challenge Day, so we can decide the next Head of Household!
GIED: I'm not fighting, I'm scared.
HASSELHOFF: Don't be scared, be strong. We'll decide on a new Head of Household together.
HASSELHOFF: The challenge is simple: the houseguests will race down to the bottom of the hill, to the Rio Grande River. Luckily, the border line is only a few yards away. The first person to get to the other side, wins. However, they will also be subject to getting wet. Are you ready?
THE HOUSEGUESTS: Yes!
HASSEHOFF: Alright then, let's go! Get going!
The houseguests scatter, running towards the river. Gied, despite his good PvP skills, couldn't keep up and faceplanted the floor. He cursed at himself before running after the others. Caleb and Kiko joined forces, taking Gied out of the game entirely.
CALEB: haha DIE sucker
KIKO: yo momma killed you
Gied: NOOOOOOOOOO! TECHNO, I COULD NOT AVENGE YOU!
The others continued as planned, with a sprint down to the river. It was Kiko who won, reaching the other side of the river before anyone could catch up to him.
KIKO: WOOO! Take that. RAWR!
HASSELHOFF: Good job Kiko. I'd like to introduce the new Head of Household: you.
KIKO: TAKE THAT, SUCKERS! the kiko is immortal. rAWR!
The houseguests go back to the house, as part of eviction time.
HASSELHOFF: Kiko, as Head of Household, who do you nominate for eviction?
KIKO: Gied, because he sucks.
GIED: NO!
HASSELHOFF: Alright, Gied is up for eviction. Houseguests, you'll have to vote and most voted houseguest will also be up for eviction.
A few minutes later…
HASSELHOFF: Alright, with 6 votes, the one nominated next is Default.
Default: haha, I'm winning sooooooo bad because im cool
HASSELHOFF: Default and Gied, who will be evicted? Tomorrow we'll know the results.
The following day, it's time for the eviction ceremony. Everyone files into the backyard, as the host stands by the gazebo.
HASSELHOFF: Alright, it's time for the evicted houseguest to come out. I know this reality show is important to all of you, but honestly I don't care, and we have to eliminate someone. With 67% of the vote... it's...
HASSELHOFF: DEFAULT! Get him out of here!
Default is marched out of the backyard, and you hear his muffled screams of "No! I'm straight, homie!" throughout the other rooms of the house. The other house guests clap as he's carried off.
FINOLIAN: haha default went weeee
HASSELHOFF: That's all for today folks. Tomorrow, it's time for another challenge. Until then!
=== Chapter 2 ===
THE NEXT DAY…
Finn: (cries) DEFAULT I MISS YOU i still hate you but i also LOVE YOU Why did you leave me
PRISM: solar powered panels !!!
After the morning announcements, the houseguests head to the backyard to participate in the challenge. There, they find a series of obstacles, which are filled with... surprises.
HASSELHOFF: SWIMMING POOLS!!! This challenge was sponsored by the Cooper Foundation, always building strong, resilient pools for Americans. But the challenge is simple: the pool is filled with a mixture of rocks, leaves and mud. The object is to retrieve as many leaves as possible from the water. Whoever retrieved the most leaves will win a trip to...
You hear a massive SLAM from the house, which means the pool is now filled with a mixture of mud, rocks and leaves. The house guests look at each other, with confusion on their faces.
HASSELHOFF: A SECRET ROOM UPSTAIRS WITH LOTS OF FOOD TO MAKE YOU FAT! That's right. And Head of Household powers, too. Kiko won't participate as he is the current HoH. Now go, go, go!
The house guests dash into the swimming pools, which are filled to the brim with the disgusting mixture. They wade through, attempting to search for the leaves. While most are having no luck, some are already finding rocks and debris in their arms and legs, and are struggling to get it out.
CALEB: OH MY GOD THE ROCK IS TRYING TO STAB MY ARM WTF
Still, some are having much more success. Dwight swims through, quickly grabbing handfuls of leaves. He swims back through, now holding a handful of rocks.
DWIGHT: Y'know, these are rough and full of small bits, but they're definitely leaves. I'm the winner!
Everyone else looks on, mud-covered and exhausted.
The timer stops.
HASSELHOFF: It's over! Let's see who gathered the most leaves.
The mud and leaf-filled towels are weighed, and it's declared that Dwight has won his first reward of the summer.
HASSELHOFF: DWIGHT, THE NEW HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD!!! You can also take two people with you upstairs. Also, make sure to change out of those trunks.
DWIGHT: I'll take Caleb and Kiko.
CALEB: YESSIR!!!
KIKO: Cool!
LATER THAT NIGHT...
HASSELHOFF: You know what you need to do. Dwight, who will you nominate for eviction?
DWIGHT: Well, you can't take out the HoH, because I have the power. So I'm going to take out someone who has less power than me, like Kiko.
KIKO: WHAT?! I thought you wanted to take me out, so I wouldn't make your life difficult this summer.
DWIGHT: Yeah, well, this is different. I'm doing what's best for the group.
HASSELHOFF: And houseguests, please vote for the second person to be nominated for eviction.
A few minutes later...
HASSELHOFF: And the nominees for eviction are Kiko and.... Caleb!
CALEB: What?!
The house guests all begin to clamor.
PRISM: lol
Gied: HAHA awesome
FCX: Wow. This is rich.
HASSELHOFF: Tomorrow, the results will be here. Adieu!
THE NEXT DAY...
HASSELHOFF: Attention, house guests! You will soon learn the results of the evi...
CALEB: WHAT?! I can’t hear you!
HASSELHOFF: ...the results of the eviction!!!
The house guests all begin to chant.
THE HOUSEGUESTS: KICK THEM OUT! KICK THEM OUT!
In the gazebo, Hasselhoff prepares his speech.
HASSELHOFF: In this day and age, when reality TV stars achieve success, they soon become lazy, ungrateful brats. I'm from the old school. I made it on my own, without millions of dollars inherited or won in some contest. Likewise, I'm proud to have been a #1 Crib Night Club Singer, a Top 10 Celebrity Addict, and a six time winner of the Miss Rockford contest.
The crowd goes wild as they remember their favorite Hasselhoff moments.
HASSELHOFF: But all good things must come to an end.
HASSELHOFF: With 57% of the vote, the person to be evicted today is...
The house guests all look like they know already.
HASSELHOFF: ...KIKO!!!
KIKO: WHAT?! I'm the one with the most power! I'm not going!!!
HASSELHOFF: You have no choice. Get the hell out of my house.
Gied laughs.
GIED: Goodbye, HA! LOSER!
CALEB: (crying) Gied, I swear I'm going to kill you!!!
HASSELHOFF: And your funeral can be the next EDM event of the year!
The house guests (except Caleb) rejoice as Kiko packs his things and leaves.
Gied shakes his head.
GIED: (whispering) Hope you realize how stupid you made yourself look, boy.
The house guests, still celebrating, carry on their night.
HASSELHOFF: And tomorrow, there's more. We'll certainly enjoy eliminating someone soon. Until then, everyone!
The house guests say their goodbyes as Hasselhoff takes his leave.
=== Chapter 3 ===
THE NEXT DAY...
CALEB: I'm going to kill you, Gied.
GIED: Hah, wish I could say I was surprised.
CALEB: (sigh) Whatever.
The two enter the dining room.
CALEB: Alright, we need to talk. Last night, I was the target.
GIED: Yeah, I saw that.
CALEB: What the hell's going on?
GIED: It's simple. I will be voting to nominate you for eviction soon. Have fun!
CALEB: Wait, WHY would you do that?
GIED: Because I hate New York and imperialist America. Goodbye.
HASSELHOFF: Alright houseguests, stop acting like hags and let's get going. Today we're going to have two events: the Head of Household challenge, and a party to celebrate the elimination of Default and Kiko!
The house guests stand by as Hasselhoff goes over the rules of the party.
HASSELHOFF: But first, the challenge.
Hasselhoff stands in the center in front of an oversized checkers board.
HASSELHOFF: The challenge is simple: you must move these checkers into this holes by placing them on the offered spaces. However, you may only use one of the following moves:
Hasselhoff shows the house guests the options.
HASSELHOFF: Take one checker, move it two spaces forward, and take one back.
Hasselhoff takes one checker, moves it two spaces forward, and one back.
HASSELHOFF: Or move one checker two spaces forward.
Hasselhoff moves the checker.
HASSELHOFF: Or... do anything you like with it.
The house guests line up, and the challenge begins.
HASSELHOFF: The first person to move all their checkers into the holes wins. You shall be the new Head of Household for the week.
Hasselhoff watches the other house guests compete.
HASSELHOFF: As always, good luck, and may the best player win.
The challenge begins.
House guests move their checkers around the oversized checkers board.
HASSELHOFF: Caleb, why are you laughing?
CALEB: Because it's hilarious that we have a fat, lazy slob as our new Head of Household.
Dwight looks angrily at Caleb.
A few minutes later...
HASSELHOFF: And the challenge has ended! The winner of this challenge is...
Hasselhoff looks around, and points at Gied.
HASSELHOFF: Gied!
The other house guests cheer as Gied receives the advantage, except for Caleb.
Hasselhoff leads you all to the backyard.
HASSELHOFF: Let's celebrate!!!
THE NEXT DAY...
HASSELHOFF: You know what time it is. Gied, comrade, as Head of Household, who do you nominate for eviction?
Gied looks around, and points at one of the house guests.
GIED: Caleb.
HASSELHOFF: Caleb? Why?
Gied shrugs.
GIED: He’s cringe.
CALEB: OH YOU DID NOT SAY THAT WORD!
Caleb begins to produce a series of vile insults about Gied, before Hasselhoff stops him.
HASSELHOFF: Now, now guys, this isn't necessary.
CALEB: GIED I’m not cringe.
Before Hasselhoff could do anything, Caleb lunged at Gied, grabbing him in a chokehold.
GIED: where's...my....diamond....sword
HASSELHOFF: (concerned) Okay guys, stop! Stop!
The two strangle each other for a few moments, before Hasselhoff intervenes.
HASSELHOFF: (angry) Alright! Alright!
HASSELHOFF: That's enough! Caleb, you know well violence is against the house rules. You're getting a two-minute minor.
Caleb reluctantly lets Gied go, albeit still looking annoyed.
HASSELHOFF: Gied, go to your room.
Gied nods, and obeys Hasselhoff.
HASSELHOFF: As for the others, choose the second houseguest to be nominated for eviction.
A few minutes later...
HASSELHOFF: It seems the chosen houseguest was... Prism!
PRISM: brainlets. food samlik dodoncz
HASSELHOFF: Alright then. Caleb or Prism? Who will be eliminated? Find out tomorrow!
THE NEXT DAY...
As Hasselhoff arrives in the gazebo, he begins to speak.
HASSELHOFF: Someone will be evicted today! Hahaha. Haha. Okay. But I want to address something first: violence is not cool, right Caleb? Right. See, everyone, our latest house guests fought yesterday. Doesn't matter who started it, we should all just calm down and find a solution to our problems, right guys? What could it hurt? It's just a game.
Caleb nods alongside the other house guests.
HASSELHOFF: And now it's time for the eviction. With 65% of the vote, it's...
HASSELHOFF: ...PRISM!!!
PRISM: what
As the crowd cheers, Hasselhoff leads Prism out.
HASSELHOFF: Don't worry, friend. They never liked you in the first place. Now shoo.
CALEB: omg no how did i stay HOW THE F
The live feed cuts to black.
A few moments later, Hasselhoff returns.
HASSELHOFF: That's all for today. Tomorrow, we'll have more and more and more! Adieu!
=== Chapter 4 ===
THE NEXT DAY...
HASSELHOFF: Hello everyone. Unfortunately, last night we had the death of one of our contestants, Finolian, due to monoxide poisoning. While this was an unfortunate incident, and a sad day for the game of Big Keglerton, we know that the house is still strong. We have not informed the participants of this event, and that's ok because they didn't care. However, FCX was very traumatized by this event, and voluntarily left the house.
HASSELHOFF: As a result, we have no choice but to inform the participants of this today. I know they will be saddened to hear it, but it is necessary so that they may understand the strict rules of this game. Big Keglerton is a game of life, not death. We will have no coddling of any sort.
HASSELHOFF: Now then, I have some information to give out.
HASSELHOFF: Hello houseguests! We regret to inform you all that Finolian is dead and FCX left as a result of their death. That's why they aren't here. That's why we need you all to step up. Both of these people will be big shoes to fill. To prepare you for this game, we have trained more than thirty people for this very situation.
HASSELHOFF: In other words.... CONGRATULATIONS! Caleb, Dwight, and Gied, you all have reached the final!!!
HASSELHOFF: Now, I think it's time for the final tests. First, we have a boat ride. Then, we have the final test. Then, we will meet the Big People.
GIED: omg omg omg
CALEB: wut
DWIGHT: Yes! I love trees!
HASSELHOFF: Now that that's over with, it's time to dig into the rules for our last game.
HASSELHOFF: Now, let me explain how we're going to run this final. The public will get to vote for who they want as the winner. The former houseguests, including Finolian, who we revived a while ago, will vote on a separate category: America's Favorite Houseguest. Be prepared: tomorrow is an important day!
THE NEXT DAY...
The gazebo is decorated with streamers and decorated with a big "WINNER" banner.
The final three, as well as the five eliminated houseguests stand on stage: Caleb, Gied, and Dwight, plus the losers Default, FCX, Finolian, Kiko, and Prism.
HASSELHOFF: First of all, I want to thank all of our sponsors for helping make this final possible. Listed on the side of the stage is a list of the names of these amazing companies, and I want to say thanks to all of them. Without them, this game would not be possible.
HASSELHOFF: Now that that's out of the way, it's time to announce the results for the America's Favorite Houseguest category!
The eliminated players along with their friends step forward: Default is all smiles, happily gorging on a big slice of cake. Prism has a look of surprise on his face.
HASSELHOFF: it's........ DEFAULT!!!
A huge explosion of cheers erupts when the winner is revealed.
DEFAULT: Thank you! Thank you! I'm still straight!
HASSELHOFF: But now, it's time to decide the winner. Caleb, Dwight, or Gied? The winner is...
HASSELHOFF: America, this game is over! The winner is.... Gied!!!
The crowd cheers like crazy as a giant "Gied!" banner is revealed.
CALEB: Dammit.
DWIGHT: Wha? How the hell did he win?
CALEB: Well... he played a good social game. It's not a popular decision, but it was the right one.
GIED: Thank you! Thank you! I'm just glad we had so much fun together. Seriously. You were all great. Thanks for playing, America. I'll see you next season.
HASSELHOFF: Hey! That's my line.
GIED: Sorry.
HASSELHOFF: Next season, it will be you who will be looking for new blood, America! We will discover our next big challenge together!
HASSELHOFF: And now... let's celebrate-
Suddenly, a big boom sounds outside. The crowd goes dead silent.
Security camera footage shows a figure running from the gazebo and towards the woods beyond.
HASSELHOFF: What the...
GIED: OH MY GOD IT'S TECHNOBLADE. GET HIM!
The former house guests begin to argue over who should go after him.
DWIGHT: I'm going! I'm going!
CALEB: No, I'm going! I'm going!
HASSELHOFF: Well, I don't care. Until next time, folks!
== Act 2 ==
See Act 2 below!
=== Chapter 1 ===
It's Season 2 of the biggest TV reality show......... Big Keglerton. 10 houseguests living in a rural house in the city of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.... who will win the prize of $1 million dollars? We'll soon find out. I am Gary Hasselhoff, and today we're going to meet our new contestants, starting with...
Nxsa! Known for being the janitor.
"Moppity mop, I am the mop. Whoosh."
Mario! Known for living in the most hated state in America.
"...and yeah, I watched all the five seasons of Jersey Shore and Pauly D was hot, damn... oh we're on air? NO FAKE NEWS DENIED"
FTT! Known for discussing the Armenian Genocide.
"I'm not even an expert on that subject, so you can stop bothering me with your ignorant propaganda now!"
Blue! Known for his love of the color blue.
"Actually no, my favorite color is green. But I do like blue. It makes everything better."
Lars! Known for being part of Discordgate 2.
"It changed my life, you know what it did?"
Doug! Known for being a recovering drug addict.
"I'm not a drug addict! I mean, yeah, I just used to get high on mints but that's cool and goth and all that."
Basti! Known for his Brazil and Bolsonaro obsession.
"VAI BRASIL SIL SIL BOLSONARO É 17 BOLSONAROOOOO"
SDT! Known for his obsession with plastic surgery.
"Plastic surgery is bad. Just kidding!"
Tuba! Known for being a tuba. What did you expect?
"TUBA hates WAR CRIMES. What? I love GRASS."
And finally, a contestant from the previous season, Kiko!
"Call me Kika."
And there you have it folks! The contestants of this reality show! They had a great moment today getting to know each other. Here's what happened when they joined the house:
DOUG: "FTT why is there a Serbian flag in our bathroom"
FTT: "cause I'm patriotic I guess"
DOUG: "yeah, but why that flag?"
FTT: "i love serbia."
DOUG: "booooo"
BASTI: "BOLSONARO 2022 UHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU"
KIKO: "Shut up Basti, you're not even from Brazil. And even if you were, it's not like you'd vote in the election"
BASTI: "shut mouth Kiko is a big meanie! They hate Brazil"
KIKO: "It’s not me who is a big meanie, it's you! How do you not know that the current president of Brazil is a notorious right-wing dictator? (Sigh) Look, I'll tell you this much. If I win, I am going to shatter your teeth when I get out of here."
BASTI: :(
NXSA: "whoa dude why am I here"
TUBA: "because this is a reality show and we're just trying things out. You in?"
NXSA: "sure, why not? I'm already here"
SDT: "I hate you all"
LARS: "SDT, that's not very formal."
BLUE: "oh"
MARIO: "haha screenshitted"
DOUG: "is that a swear there?"
SDT: "yes"
HASSELHOFF: Alright houseguests, it's time to choose the Head of Household for the week! The challenge of the week is simple: write an epithet slandering one of your fellow housemates and turn it in to me. Whoever turns in the most slanderous write-up will be the Head of Household for the week. Understood? Good, let's get to it.
Lars turns in the first write-up, and he makes several accusations of jaywalking against one of the other housemates.
SDT turns in the second write-up, and he claims that Lars is a fraud and accuses him of writing his own name in several places.
The next person to turn the write-up is... Basti? He turns in a write-up claiming that FTT is an illegal immigrant from Kosovo and that he lied about his age.
Next is Doug, who turns in a write-up claiming that SDT brags about having a romantic encounter with a summer camp scoutmaster.
SDT: "That’s not true at all! Although I’ve heard it before"
He's followed by Kiko, who turns in a write-up claiming that SDT once made violent threats to their ancestor and says he "caused the Vietnam war".
Next is nxsa, who turns in a write-up claiming that Lars has stolen several of his songs and pawned them off as his own.
The next one is Blue, who turns in a write-up claiming that SDT is taking advantage of the housemates by manipulating events to ensure he’s winning the game.
He's followed by Mario, who calls everyone in the house part of a "fake news conspiracy". He goes on to say that he would be a "terrific president".
Tuba goes next, and in his write-up, he claims that SDT has been working with the "Zionist lobby". He also accuses the other housemates of being "high on mints" and "sadl".
And in the last write-up, FTT states that everyone is lying about everything and says that the only person telling the truth is him because he hasn't done anything wrong, other than rigging the 2020 house elections and getting laughed at.
HASSELHOFF: By the looks of it, the next HOH is... the one and only... FTT!!! Woohoo! But first, it's time for your Power of Veto. Who are you going to veto from the next HOH competition, FTT?
FTT: Well I ain't doin' nothin' illegal obviously so Kiko it is.
HASSELHOFF: Alright, Kiko it is. But who are going to nominate for eviction today?
FTT: Hmm, I guess I'll put in Doug. He's been whining about the rules for a while now, and I just want to get him out of the house.
HASSELHOFF: Okay, Doug it is.
DOUG: hey thats not cool youre a meanie
HASSELHOFF: And housemates, who have you decided to nominate for eviction?
KIKO: "We decided to nominate Lars, because he sucks."
LARS: "Kiko, I am disappointed in this decision but I will respect it, but not before spitting in your face as courtesy."
KIKO: "Thank you, now I can eat my dinner without getting a mouthful of disgusting chewing habit.”
HASSELHOFF: And there you go, DOUG and LARS are up for eviction. Tomorrow, we'll see which one the public voted to eliminate. Toodle-oo!
THE NEXT DAY...
Hasselhoff stood in a gazebo in the house's backyard. He looked at the housemates and prepared his speech.
HASSELHOFF: For the first time in this season, America got to kick out one of the houseguests here. And all I have to say is good riddance! We won't miss you. Say goodbye to this season... Bye, Lars. Get out of my house.
Lars cried as the rest of the house looked on. Tuba walked up to him and gave him a hug before he left.
HASSELHOFF: And there he goes! Straight to Two Egg, Florida. Now we have only 9 HOUSEGUESTS!!! Who will survive? Find out tomorrow!
=== Chapter 2 ===
THE NEXT DAY...
HASSELHOFF: Houseguests, wake up!!! Stop being lazy and get out of bed. Remember, you're all competing against each other for the HOH this week. I have to give a big shout out to our reigning HOH, FTT. Now it's your turn to keep those doors open.
KIKO: why
HASSELHOFF: Because.
HASSELHOFF: Today's competition is very simple. YOU all have to run 5 miles. Now I know some of you are tired from yesterday's competition, but this is no excuse. Those of you who do not finish will be punished. And those of you who do finish will reap the benefits. Are there any questions?
DOUG: Doesnt that encourage people to lie and say they are tired when they are not?
HASSELHOFF: Of course not Doug, people are not that dumb. If they actually wanted to get away with it, they would've done it already. Those of you who do not finish will have to spend the night in the punishment house, which is an identical replica of a generic white room with only a chair in it - thanks to our sponsor, the Hypercane Foundation! Always bringing us lots of hype. Now go, go, go!
After several minutes...
HASSELHOFF: Alright, it's over. Let's see who made it...
HASSELHOFF: Looks like the winner of the competition is... KIKO!!! You finished strong, surprising all of us. You're the new Head of Household, congratulations! And let's see who didn't make it... NXSA and MARIO!!! Wow, how disappointing. You all will stay in the white room replica for the rest of the night. And remember: there’s only one chair to sleep on.
KIKO and NXSA and MARIO all groan.
KIKO: NOOOOOOOOOO I hate chairs
HASSELHOFF: That’s ok Kiko. Deal with it.
KIKO: Fine.
HASSELHOFF: And to make our job easier, Kiko, who do you nominate for eviction?
KIKO: Well, there's been a lot of fighting going on. I think I'll keep it simple and nominate... FTT.
FTT: HNNNGGGG!!! NO!!!
HASSELHOFF: Well then. Tomorrow we'll vote and see who will join FTT!!!
That night in the room replica...
MARIO: you're fake news
NXSA: No, you're fake news.
MARIO: denied
NXSA: Oh yeah? Prove it.
NXSA and MARIO begin calling each other fake news, which doesn't go too well for the viewers.
The next day...
HASSELHOFF: This time, we're going to do something great. The house will nominate the other person for eviction, and whoever is voted out by the public will leave the house, TODAY!!!
HASSELHOFF: So, houseguests, who will you nominate for eviction? (PSA: Don't nominate FTT.)
After many people refuse to nominate FTT (which they couldn't do even if they wanted to), Kiko finally nominates himself.
HASSELHOFF: Wow! How courageous, the Head of Household nominating themselves for eviction. But well, I don't care, so there you go. FTT and Kiko. Who will be evicted? Vote now, and later today we'll find out the results, together!
Later that evening, in the house's backyard...
HASSELHOFF: THE VOTES HAVE BEEN CAST!!! And someone will be eliminated today. But first, a speech from our sponsor, Senator Mona Spoon. (PSA: If you want to impress girls, get some chocolate from the vending machine and say you got it from the speech of the most powerful woman in the Senate! It works like a charm!)
SENATOR SPOON: Buy gold! Buy gold! Buy gold!
HASSELHOFF: Thanks Mona. And now, the houseguest that will leave this house tonight is... FTT!!!
FTT: NOOOOO!!! RIGGED!!!!
FTT bursts into tears and runs out of the backyard, out of the house. The houseguests look at one another, shrug and then go back in the house.
KIKO: haha loser
SDT: Yeah, FTT is a big baby.
HASSELHOFF: And tomorrow, there is more! Who will survive? Stay tuned.
=== Chapter 3 ===
THE NEXT DAY...
HASSELHOFF: Hey everyone! I hope you all enjoyed the night. Especially you, Mario. Was NXSA fake news?
MARIO: fake news
NXSA: He’s fake news.
HASSELHOFF: Oh yeah? That's good to know. But alright everyone, you know what to do next. It's time for another HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD COMPETITION!!!1!
The competitors gather around the backyard for the challenge.
HASSELHOFF: Today's challenge is this: Each of you will race one another to the other side of the backyard. The first housemate to get to the other side wins. You'll win a special privilege for tonight, too.
NXSA: What privilege?
HASSELHOFF: dunno yet, you'll find out when the competition begins. Good luck!
The competitors begin running and quickly form two lines across the yard.
SDT: I don't think Kiko will win. They didn't even run when we had to jump out of buildings.
NXSA: Yeah, they're not going to win. They're too damn fat.
SDT: What?! They're not fat! They just have a little baby body, they could still easily lose like 10 more pounds and have a very fit body!
NXSA: Sure, Jan.
After a while, a houseguest reaches the finish line.
HASSELHOFF: And the winner is... KIKO!!! You are rewarded with a special privilege for tonight: the ability to choose any two housemates to join you in the bunker. Also, it's dinner time!
In the bunker...
KIKO: Let's tell each other jokes, SDT and Blue.
SDT: A tree walks into a Moroccan bar.
BLUE: Ha ha! I don't get it but I love it.
KIKO: SDT, you're less funny than Blue, don't you know that?
SDT: I know.BLUE: I hate this house.
THE NEXT DAY...
HASSELHOFF: I know how bad this sounds, but it turns out that the public decided to RANDOMLY SELECT TWO HOUSEGUESTS FOR ELIMINATION!!! Yeah Kiko, it means you did all that hard work for nothing. Anyway, let's meet the nominees. They are... BLUE AND TUBA!!!!!!!!!!
The nominees are brought into the living room. They look terrified, and none of them even attempt to hide it.
BLUE: Oh my God, what did I do?
KIKO: You didn't do anything, Blue.
HASSELHOFF: Blue, you're the most boring person in here, and it's really boring. No one likes you. When you joined, I said "Meh". Now every single one of the other housemates hates you. Why Blue? Why couldn't you just blend in, suck up to someone, ANYONE?
HASSELHOFF: And Tuba, people are just noticing that you're always by Blue's side. You're as lazy as he is.
TUBA: I'm not lazy! He's stupid! He can't do anything on his own!
HASSELHOFF: Whatever. Look, I just need one of you to be eliminated. And the public voted to eliminate... YOU, TUBA!!!!!!!
The housemates all start protesting, but it's in vain. Tuba is escorted out of the house by the producers.
HASSELHOFF: Yeah, take that. And tomorrow we'll see what happens next. Stay tuned!
The next day, at the gazebo...
HASSELHOFF: Hi everyone. Unfortunately, I have to inform you that Big Keglerton is ending early due to an order from the United States Department of Justice. Sorry for the inconvenience and best of luck to all of you.
The housemates are upset, but no one argues. They all leave the gazebo except for Kiko.
KIKO: I'm not leaving.
HASSELHOFF: I didn't think you would. Just consider this your last chance.
KIKO: No.
HASSELHOFF: You're going to leave whether you like it or not.
KIKO: No.
HASSELHOFF: Alright guards, take him out.
Two guards grab Kiko and lead them out of the house.
HASSELHOFF: Well, that's it. Goodbye everyone!
=== Act 3 ===