Piano Sponge

"Piano Sponge" is a Season 2 episode of Life in Bikini Bottom, and the 27th overall.
==Characters==
*SpongeCock SquarePants
*Eugene F. Kraps
*Shitward Testicles
*Snowball (debut)
*Gory the Snail (cameo)
*Cops (cameo)
*Judge
*Fricky SquarePants (cameo)
*Preschoolers (cameo)
*Preschool teacher (cameo)
*Paul Renaud (debut)
*Match
*Pan Schneider (cameo)
*Sexffrey Epstein (cameo)
*Mark Amantia (cameo)
*SmallJimmy Savile (cameo)
*Piss Savino (cameo)
*Horny Weinstein (cameo)
*XXXTentacion
*Donald Trump (mentioned)
==Synopsis==
When SpongeCock gets convicted of sex offenses, he crosses paths with someone in the same predicament as him who can help him out.
== Transcript ==
Episode begins with Shitward and Kraps in the studio, recording another song. It starts out fine, but Kraps stumbles over his verse. “Damn it, Kraps, that was the best take!” “For what? A track that would get 500 views on SoundCloud, tops?” “Nah, I’m finna blow up. Call me Hiroshima,” Shitward says, but then realizing what he just said. Kraps opens his eyes wide and yells “BITCH I’M JAPANESE YOU BIGOTED SON OF A DICK I HOPE YOU DIE A VERY HORRIBLE DEATH YOU DAMN FOOL! FUCK, MAN…” 
SpongeCock walks into the house and immediately scolds the two. “Guys, I’m tryna give the talk to my son. Calm your anime tiddies.” Kraps and Shitward look at him and agree with ”u right, u right.” SpongeCock nods his head. “You know what, I’m tryna give Fricky some time to recover from seeing Match’s penis in class. How about I bring y’all to the bar to get some drinks?” The two take the offer as they stroll out to the bar.
“So vote for me, a REAL progressive!” An Elizabeth Whorean commercial is shown in the TV of the bar. “So she’s like the Killary of next year’s election?” Kraps asks, with SpongeCock nodding and sipping his liquor. “Yeah. She’s not hot either.” Shitward looks at him weirdly. “Uhhh… you think Killary’s hot?” “Oh, um, heh, of course not…” SpongeCock shakes it off. Kraps is looking in the other direction when his eyes suddenly perk up. “Hey boys, I found the REAL progressive over there… she’s progressive alright… progressive on my dick!” Shitward and SpongeCock look at each other and both at the same time say “she can’t be that hot.” But then suddenly, she walked into the view. She was an actual human with a beautiful face, free flowing brown hair, light tan skin, nice, perky tits, a smooth, slim stomach, a firm ass, and sexy legs. Both SpongeCock and Shitward jump out of their seats and fall down.
Shitward and SpongeCock’s eyes shoot out of their heads. The latter asserts himself saying “Damn, she’s HOT!” Shitward agrees and then says “You know, our kids would fucking BALL.” SpongeCock shoots him a dirty look. “You mean our kids. Me and her.” “Bitch you already have a kid! And I thought you and that filthy hooker Assy were gonna hook up!” The camera cuts to Assy on the other side of the bar, grunting from her disbelief. “Wait, Shitward, weren’t you and her dating?” Shitward jams his tentacle on his head- I mean, I mean, his mouth, yeah, that’s definitely what I meant - heh. Anyway, Shitward silences him. That’s the point, yeah. Don’t get any ideas. “Don’t talk to me about that. Anyway, I’m finna make the first move!” The camera zooms in on Shitward. “This is gonna be gre- oh fuck it with peanut butter jelly and top it with cum.” 
SpongeCock has already made a move on her, and they are already in mid-conversation. Shitward, pissed off, storms into the bathroom yelling “I guess there’s only room for one. Time for some pleasure!” 
Our whole universe was in a G and PG state
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago was inappropriate, wait
Fatprick shit a stool, Shitward began to drool
They invented crap that rules
We built a great, great wall (we started cursing)
Shit, titties bursting, unraveling the coercing
This is Life in Bikini Bottom! PG-13
“So, what’s your name?” SpongeCock asks the hottie, and she replies with a flirty “That doesn’t matter. Our son’s name matters.” SpongeCock laughs. “But for real though,” she responds, “my name is Snowball.” “It’s not because you do crack, right?” he asks, but then changes it to “I mean, uh, yeah, that’s a gorgeous name. You know, let me ask. Are you a barn?” Snowball shakes her head. “Because you sure know how to raise a cock!” Snowball laughs and then puts her hand on his shoulder. “Let’s get drunk, little man.”
After Snowball and SpongeCock take a few shots, both are stumbling out of the bar as they make it to SpongeCock’s whip. Shitward and Kraps walk out, disappointed, because of them not landing the hottie. “But hey, at least I nutted in my 50th public bathroom. That’s a plus.” Kraps looks over at the two drunken damn fools and offers himself to be the designated driver.
Scene cuts to SpongeCock and Snowball back at the house, with them two getting it going in bed. The two are giggling. “I’m a juggler!” Snowball spouts out, and she follows it up with “I’m a sword swallower! Welcome to the circus!” (heh, get the reference)? It shows different reactions, with Fricky downstairs doing homework and eventually smoking a blunt, as well as Kraps and Shitward in the house over. “You know, thems is DISGUSTING!” Kraps looks over in disappointment. “You jacked off in a bar bathroom, who’s the disgusting one?”
 THE NEXT MORNING
The alarm clock went off with moaning noises, as Snowball and SpongeCock both woke up. “Damn baby…” he says, “that was some good shit! Much better than Fatprick’s shit!” “Who’s Fatprick?” “Uh, you don’t need to know that. Anyway, I’ll drive you home if you want.” Snowball kisses him and then proceeds with “actually, my mom’s supposed to be picking me up any minute now. She’s such a bitch, I can’t wait until I get my license so I don’t have to have her driving me around everywhere. Perhaps after this semester.” SpongeCock gets caught completely off guard as he seems worried. “Uhh… you don’t have your license? Semester of school? How… how old are you?” “16, why?” SpongeCock’s face scrunches up as he cums all over Snowball in fear. “WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS SPONGECOCK?!” “Sorry, I do that when I’m nervous. But Snowball, I’m 25. I didn’t know I was mingling with a CHILD! How the hell did you even get into the bar?” SpongeCock asked, confused. “Wait, what bar?” Snowball asked, just as confused. “Oh shit, I didn’t realize you were that wasted. But still! I’m so done! I HAD SEX WITH A MINOR!!!!” SpongeCock screams, as the police bust through his window and invade his room, aiming guns at him from every angle. Gory then slithers in the room, saying “meow meow.” “Gory, you haven’t been in like any episodes lately! And now you’re here to snitch?” “Meow.” The chief strolls in. “Thanks, snail.” He then hands over a wad of bills to Gory. SpongeCock gulps as it cuts to a new scene in the courtroom.
The same judge that assigned Fatprick community service for flooding the town with shit is at the podium, while SpongeCock and Dr. Nick (who he picked as his lawyer… for some reason…) are at one of the tables. “Damn, I love watching BBW lesbian porn!” Dr. Nick shouts. “Shut your goddamn ass up,” SpongeCock says, “are you trying to get me arrested for sex crimes? Just go and be Donald Trump’s lawyer!” “Sorry,” Dr. Nick whispers in shame.
“Mr. SquarePants, did you know that Snowball was 16?,” the judge asks. SpongeCock is very evidently sweating. “no, I didn’t. I met her at a bar, how was I supposed to know she was a minor? In fact, she should be arrested for going into a ba-“ “Oh, oh, of course you pull that bullshit,” the judge cuts him off. “You acting like you’re the victim. Wow.” SpongeCock has a deadpan expression and groans. “Look, I was just horny, saw her, and had a good time. Okay? Why do you have to hate on my grind?” The judge rolls his eyes. “OHHHHHHH… jury what’s your verdict?” They all shout “GUILTY” at the same time.” “WHAT?” “SpongeCock SquarePants, you have been found guilty of statutory rape.” SpongeCock starts faking tearing up, as he bangs his fist against the table. “NO! I HAVE A SON AT HOME! PLEASE DON’T SEND ME TO JAIL!! I’M BEGGING YOU! NOW GIVE ME WEED!” “Woah, woah, woah, slow down there buckaroo. First off, heh, who did you have your son with, eh? Snowball?” “What, no, Fricky is 8..” “Oh… anyway, number two, who said anything about jail time? I was just gonna have you attend sex offender rehabilitation classes.” “Oh wow. That’s still tough.. but I can do it.” The judge nods his head. “As for number 3… meet me behind the court at 3, I’ll see what I can do. Alright, next case: judge distributing marijuana behind courtroom grounds! Wait, what?” 
The scene cuts to the pinyapple where Fricky is eating a breakfast of Cocaine Puffs in the kitchen. “Aw, I love being by myself in the morning. “ He begins to slip his hand down his pants, but before he can start anything, SpongeCock walks down the stairs, seeming half-asleep, smoking a blunt that the judge gave him. Fricky jumps out of his seat and gets mad. “Dad?! What the hell are you doing up at 6:30? You’re almost always passed out until 10!” “Well, Fricky, you’re not the only one going to school today. And for a while.” “Dad, you do NOT want to go to my school. There’s a kid named Match who jacks off…” “You told me this a few days ago, dumbass. Also, it’s not your school. I gotta go to sex offender school cuz of that damn hoe Snowball. Hoes be mad, Fricky. Always remember that.”
SpongeCock pulls up the place that he thinks is the sex offender school. He goes into the classroom, where it’s completely blank. ‘Ay, maybe I’ll have a good first impression, showing up early.’ However, after a little bit, the only people showing up are young kids. “Damn, all of you little fellows are sex offenders too,” SpongeCock remarks. “It’s a tough path.” One of the kids is in confusion. “Wuts a swex ofendah?” He asks. “Oh, you dirty bastard, DON’T LIE TO ME!” He picks the kid up and starts shaking him as the teacher walks in. “Who the holy dick are you?” she asks while dropping her books from her hands. “I’m SpongeCock, the new enrollment in the sex offend-“ “This is a preschool, you sick bastard. It makes sense that you’re a sex offender, now let me call the cops!” SpongeCock freaks out and jumps out the nearest window, but he gets stuck as his ass won’t go through. “Uh oh, I’m too thicc! Can one of you fine, young women- (slaps himself across face) wait nevermind,” he says, shamefully. In epic fashion, he pops one of his sneakers (Air Jordan 6 Travis Scott) off of his feet and barely grabs it in midair. Then he opens the stash pocket to reveal a small spray can of butter, which he uses to dislodge himself from the window. “I could’ve used that to store weed, but no, I had to do the lame thing,” SpongeCock says with the deadpan expression.
He finally shows up to sex offender class, where he is greeted by a room that is completely dark. He whips out his phone flashlight, where all he can see is a big person with a mask. “You’re late,” the voice says. “You’re a pervert AND you can’t arrive on time. You know what that means, right?” SpongeCock stands there completely unfazed. “I’m not scared at all, I know you’re Kraps.” Kraps pulls his mask off and turns the light on. “Goddamnit, that always works.” “You lead the sex offender classes?” “Yeah, don’t ask me why. Anyway, introduce yourself, boy.” SpongeCock coughs and moves over. “Uh, hi… I’m SpongeCock.” Everyone else, at an extremely loud volume causing SpongeCock to guard his ears: “HIIIIII JUICY COCK!” “NOOOO!” Kraps yells. “HAVE ANY OF YOU SEXUAL DEGENERATES LEARNED ANYTHING?! UGH… anyway, SpongeCock, here are your classmates - Sexffrey Epstein, Horny Weinstein, SmallJimmy Savile, Piss Savino, Pan Schneider, Mark Amantia, Match, and Paul Renaud.” All 8 of them appear to feening for sex, which makes SpongeCock cringe. ‘Ok,’ he thinks, ‘let’s just get this over with.’ 
Kraps begins the lesson. “So, to get your mind off of your urges, I have asked you all to take up a hobby that you can put your time and effort into. Let’s go around the room and share all of our findings!” Epstein goes first. “I’ve started hanging myself because I can’t stand being in jail for my sex crimes!” “Uh, Sexffrey, that’s not good,” Kraps says. “We all know the government is trying to kill you.” Schneider goes next. “I, Pan Schneider, have found an interest in writing for kids shows!” “PAN! We’re trying to steer AWAY from kids,” Kraps says. “Make an adult show! It’s going good for Travis!” Paul jumps in with a “Hey, I used to teach Travis!” in a cackling voice. “He was one of my hottest students!” Kraps punches himself then turns to Match. “How about you, Match, what have you been taking up?” Match is sweating profusely in his seat and tugging on his pants. “I NEED TO JACK OFF NOW!” He unbuckles his belt as he starts struggling with his penis, as everyone except for Kraps and SpongeCock watches in excitement. “AH YEAH BABY THIS DESK IS SEXY!” Security comes in as they bring Match out of the class as his rooster is ca-cawing. “AH YES, THAT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!” Match shouts as he is carried out by security. “AHHHHH! THAT IS THE SMALLEST COCK I’VE EVER SEEN!!!” Kraps screams in horror. “Oh, so that’s the creep that Fricky was so scared of,” SpongeCock reflects. “Oh come on, I wanted to see more!” Everyone else in the room says.
“Alright, Paul, it’s your turn. Can it please be better than hanging yourself or writing kids shows? Or at least better than jacking off in front of 8 other perverts?” “CERTAINLY, EUGENE!” Paul says in a gravelly, grainy voice. “I am the TV/Video Productions teacher at Bikini Bottom High School!” Kraps facepalms. “So… you work with children?” “Oh, not only do I work with them! I make high quality videos with them. Specifically, on how to have sex!” “PAUL! You’re here to stop that! You’re just continuing what you were doing before? What’s the point of even doing this!” “Because, Eugene, the risk! Sure, making pornos are fun on their own. But illegal pornos are fun because the risk makes them exciting! Remember: unless you get caught, everything is perfectly legal!” SpongeCock sits back and soaks this all in. ‘Hey, you know what? I think I could hang out with this guy!’ 
The scene cuts to the end of the class where SpongeCock approaches Paul. “Yo Paul, you sound like a cool fellow.” “Please,” Paul insists, “call me Mr. Renaud. I like when people refer to me as a higher-up, I like having the dominance. Heheh.” “Right…” SpongeCock says. “So, you make videos, ay?” “I sure do, SpongeCock!” “Great! Well, I’m the manager of Shitward Tentacles, an up and coming rapper. You mind if we paid you to do a music video with him?” Mr. Renaud shakes his head. “No can do, bud. I only shoot child porn! Well, I also shoot my hot seed down the throats of innocent children. Say, you got any kids at home?” SpongeCock debriefs. “Well, yes, but… anyway, Mr. Renaud, I know you can be a cool guy under that perverted side of you. For Christ’s sake, you’re a technology guy! That’s a cool subject to base your life around!” “Yeah, and it also lets me meet all of my hot students! I was on a date with one the other night!” SpongeCock has a deadpan expression. “I’m pretty hot, you know. And I’m also legal.” “Well, well, I must admit, you are quite a stud,” Mr. Renaud admits, “but personally, you’re a bit old for me.” SpongeCock shakes his head. “You know, how about we shoot the music video, and then we can get a few drinks. I think we could be homies.” Mr. Renaud agrees. “Well… alrighty then. Let’s do this.”
The scene cuts back to the same bar that SpongeCock was at earlier. Him, Mr. Renaud, Shitward, Sully, and X are all hitting it off. “Damn!” Mr. Renaud says. “There’s like no one hot here!” “What are you talking about, Mr. Renaud?” SpongeCock says. “There are so many baddies here.” “So by baddie, you mean…” Sully cuts him off. “No, everyone here is an adult.” Mr. Renaud pouts in dismay. He then daps up X and takes some shots with him. “So, X, I heard you were arrested for battering your girlfriend! Great rookie moves! Now, what you-“ X starts scream rapping in Mr. Renaud’s ear as he punches the bar. “Goddamn, that sucked even more than Shitward on that tube!” “Bitch, how did you even- anyway,” Shitward moves the conversation. “Didn’t we come here to talk about my music video?” SpongeCock waves his hand and turns his cap around. “Who cares, it’s 2 in the morning. Let’s just roll up some fat ass joints in the back.” Everyone agrees except for Mr. Renaud, who lags behind for a second. “Man, what does it take to shoot a porno in the bar bathroom?” He shakes his head. Sully and SpongeCock all pass around joints as they light everyone up. “Ayo, this some good shit!” X laughs and so does Shitward. “Man, I feel like eating out an entire Papa Johns right now.” “What the hell, man?” Sully says, confused. “Everyone knows you can’t out-pizza the hut.” Everyone giggles, clearly high, as SpongeCock tosses his joint and grunts in disgust. “What’s wrong, SpongeCock? Your son-“ “not the time, Pau- I mean, Mr. Renaud. You’re gonna be a terrible TV Productions teacher for Fricky.” SpongeCock faces the fourth wall. “By the way, that dumb ass Dan is thinking of making into a mini-series. Go see if he actually goes through with it. I say know. Got 20 bands on that.”
“Then what is it?” Sully asks. “It’s Snowball.” The camera pans over to see Snowball sneaking into the bar. “Paul’s peepee is downsy wownsy,” Mr. Renaud says. “Mr. Renaud,” SpongeCock informs, “that’s the chick I banged that got in sex offender classes. She’s 16.” Mr. Renaud’s eyeballs bulge. “MY PEEPEE IS OFFICIALLY UPSY DAISY!” “SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I UPERCUT SUPER SMASH MELEE YOUR PUNK ASS!” X outbursts, as he lights up a bong. “How about this, SpongeCock” Mr. Renaud puts a hand on his shoulder. “I can help you shoot a tape that we can send to the cops. Imagine how much trouble she’d get as a minor sneaking into a bar. Hell, you might even be pardoned from your classes! What do you say?” SpongeCock perks up. “You know what? That might be nice…” “Yeah, but be warned, I don’t work for free,” Mr. Renaud winks. SpongeCock sighs. “I swear to god, if you say a blowjob from my son is the payment, I will go sicko mode on your ass like X did.” Mr. Renaud starts to stutter. “Uhh… well… how about you just Venmo me.”
The days go by, as SpongeCock gets closer and closer to finishing his sex offender classes. After several more perverted statements by his classmates, Mr. Renaud hits his turn in the circle. “Well, Eugene, I managed to not have shot child porn for a whopping 3 weeks now. It’s the longest I’ve gone since I’ve been in that coma for 6 weeks!” Everyone gives him a round of applause. “Impressive, Paul! What’s your secret?” “Well,” he opens up, “I’ve instead been using my knowledge in video production to run surveillance for the government. You never know when revenge will come.” He then whispers to the fourth wall “that means it’ll come soon, hehe.” SpongeCock is thinking to himself ‘nice… soon my record will be erased and I can be out of this hellhole.’ 
After class, Mr. Renaud reaches SpongeCock. “Yo, SpongeCock! Good news and bad news.” “Yeah? What’s the good news?” “I have the entire surveillance footage together. You’ll be great if you present this!” SpongeCock’s eyes tighten. “So uh… what’s the bad news?” “So, uh, yeah, I kinda relapsed back to my attractions thanks to all of our classmate, so, that tape is kinda laced with everyone pummeling Snowball.” SpongeCock’s entire jaw drops through the ground. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” “Nope, not at all!” Mr. Renaud assures him. “Mr. Renaud, you had one job. To make a video I could present to get me out of this. I paid you all that money,for shits sake! And now you’re gonna have me show video proof of me banging her? It’s not real, right?” Mr. Renaud nods his head. “They’re all real. Except for Match, he was just reuniting with his desk at school. Anyway, good luck!” Mr. Renaud walks away while giggling about Elli vs. Vanessa and the thing about underage titties. Because that drama was bullshit, and we all know that.
SpongeCock is walking out of the building with the tape in his hands, refusing to believe what just happened. “Okay, don’t panic, Cocky boy. All I have to do is destroy this tape and it won’t exist.” SpongeCock takes it and throws it full force at a wall nearby. The tape has visible tears on it, but ultimately still lands softly. “Wow, this is one tough tape,” SpongeCock says, “only difference between this and me is the viagra. Holy shit, that’s so tasty.” SpongeCock grabs his lighter of his pocket, but before he could burn the tape, one of the officials comes up to him. “Ah, you have the evidence, nice. I can take that for you,” he offers. “Actually,” SpongeCock bullshits, “change of plans. I don’t want to show this.” “Okay, that’s fine. So you admit your defeat?” SppngeCock perks up and starts to shiver, trembling. “No, I just don’t want to use this as evidence.” The official stares right through him as he literally lifts SpongeCock off the ground and the tape levitates to his clutch. SpongeCock drops down onto his stomach. “Thank you, sir” the official raises his cap and walks away. SpongeCock brushes his pants off and looks up towards the sky. “Goddamnit, Paul,” he says. “Why? Just, why? I know you can change. But why couldn’t you soon enough? And damn, why did I have to go through all of this? Come on, please be good. Please!”
 1 WEEK LATER
Sully is slithering around the house, just getting out of the bathroom. “That was an EXCEPTIONAL session…” he proclaims merrily. He peeps into SpongeCock’s room, which is completely dark and empty. “SpongeCock, you alright, bro?” He asks, clearly worried. “Also, by the way, I tried to flush my jizz down the toilet, but Fatrick already clogged it. Just so you know.” SpongeCock continues to shake. “Jizz… toilet…” he repeats. “Goddamnit, I’m losing him!” Sully says, but SpongeCock jumps up. “HAH! GOT YOU! You actually thought I was depressed? Wow, hehe. Seriously though, I am worried about my future.” “Yeah, I’d be too,” Sully agrees. “Let me go pour us some gin and tonics, that’ll cleanse the old mind.” As he walks away, SpongeCock’s phone goes off. “Yeah?... Hi… yes, it’s me, SpongeCock, the convicted sex offender… yes… uh-huh… oh, really?.... oh, great… thank you.” SpongeCock rips off his clothes. “PARTY TIME! THEY LET ME OFF THE HOOK!” SpongeCock screams. “EW! PUT THAT AWAY DAD!” Fricky yells as he walks by. Sully facepalms. “Slow down. What happened?” “Apparently the tape I had was just Renaud banging Snowball, we were so baked that we didn’t realize. So they’re letting me off for snitching, I guess.” “Aw man…” Sully shakes his head. “That’s the pussy way out. But I guess it’s cool to see you off the hook. Now, about those gin and tonics… nevermind, X probably drank all of it.” 
 MEANWHILE, AT MR. RENAUD’S TRAILER…
“MAN! SEEING US ALL PLOW THAT TEEN IS SO HOT!” Mr. Renaud proclaims. “I shot this better than Steph Curry! And I shot my load like Klay Thompson. Splash brothers in this bitch! So many double entendres in one sentence.” He starts to yawn as he checks his watch. “Oh boy, I have classes to teach tomorrow! Can’t wait to see all of my amazing students. If you know what I mean!” Mr. Renaud’s TV, which is currently showing an explosion (of you know what,) actually turns into a real explosion when the cops bust through the wall. “FREEZE, PAUL! CEASE THAT ONANISM RIGHT NOW!” Paul is angry at the arrival. “Hey, I paid $700 for that TV! You know how many pornos I had to make to get that!” “Silence, sexual degenerate!” the chief says. “Paul Renaud, you are under arrest for the creation of child pornography… for the 1738th time.” Renaud starts to laugh as he coughs out the weed he was smoking. “Perhaps you fine kiddies would like to engage in some BDSM!” “THAT’S IT, RENAUD! May Jesus bless your soul. You’re coming with us. Although… we might be tempted to lower the charges if you put some pants on.”
Mr. Renaud is being marched out of his trailer, as he bows his head down. “Well, another day, another arrest.” “Hey, Renaud!” one of the cops say. “You get one phone call.” Mr. Renaud grins as he nearly gets aroused. “Time to bust out ol’ reliable!” He punches the digits and seems to be all giddy when he calls “Why yes, hello there, President Trump. Just got busted again, you know what to do. Alright, thanks. Hey, go bomb Iran while you’re at it, too.”
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