Villain Pub: To the Real Villains

(Open on Loki, Voldemort and The Joker sitting in said order from left to right at the pub's bar counter. Voldemort is in the middle of talking about the most villainous acts he committed during his life, Loki is sitting, tapping his fingers in annoyance, and Joker is just sitting listening, taking periodic swigs from his mug.) 
Voldemort in mid sentence: ...and then there was the time I straight up killed an innocent wand maker, just for not having the Elder Wand. (chuckles) Can you imagine how evil someone would have to be to-?
Loki interrupts Voldemort with an annoyed sigh : Yawn!
Voldemort: Hey, what gives? Can't a dead Dark Wizard tell a story about his evilness around here?
Loki: Well, maybe if you didn't do it every fifteen seconds of your after life, or ranted on about something fresh for a change, I'd be more interested. Besides, you were ultimately killed in a fight with a teenager. I'd say that brings your evilness pretty low. 
Voldemort: Alright then, helmet head, you think you can top anything I did? 
Loki snidely: Is seven the most powerful number in magic?
Voldemort skeptically: Ha! I dare you to find one thing that was more evil than anything I did. Humor me.
Loki: Humor you?
Voldemort challenging: Yeah. Try and top the Dark Lord. 
Loki: Dude, within the first fifteen minutes of The Avengers, I killed six extras, turned Hawkeye and Selvig into mindless puppets, and destroyed an entire SHIELD research facility. 
Voldemort unimpressed: Mm-hmm? Is that all?
Loki: Oh, that's just the beginning. Later I destroyed New York, gave Iron Man PTSD, tricked Thor into thinking I was dead, and to this day, nobody even knows where Odin is. 
Voldemort with a tone of defeat :Yes, well I suppose that's all rather impressive... (puts on a smug face) For a Disney villain, anyway. 
Joker in the middle of taking a drink,chokes on his drink in laughter, coughs to clear his lungs out, and sighs : I cannot believe you just went there, Voldy. (chuckles)Nice one.
Voldemort puts his left hand up: Hit it! (Voldy and Joker high five)
Loki gives an annoyed sigh : We've been through this. Me being owned by Disney doesn't make me any less evil. In fact, The Avengers and Thor 2 boosted my evilness through the roof.
Voldemort: Well that's only because they didn't make you sing...not yet, anyway. 
Loki becoming frustrated: I already told you, there's no way they're going to make me sing! And why would that be so bad anyway? Some of the best villains in here have iconic Disney villain songs, and they're awesome! And anyway, why am I the only one being mocked for a Disney buy out? Sidious was bought out, too. 
Enter Darth Sidious, the bar keep, rising from behind the bar counter
Sidious: Please don't bring me into this. I've had enough mockery already for my terrible design crew for the Death Star. But if we're discussing it, I'd say the buyout is rather a good thing. Lucas was taking the saga nowhere, and...well, we all saw what Cartoon Network did to it. Shudders Besides, JJ Abrams is directing the new trilogy. I doubt it'll be disappointing.
Voldemort: Well, I guess I can't argue with that. But still, these new Marvel movies are getting so saturated with emotion an drama. Like when I saw Guardians of the Galaxy. I could almost smell the Disney coming off of it. 
Loki: Surprised you could smell anything, given you don't have a nose. Besides, the only Marvel movies that really matter are the ones I'm in, like The Avengers and Thor 2, and those are the best ones out of the whole saga. 
Joker: True, Lok, true...but remember, The Avengers wasn't your first ever Disney gig. 
Loki: What are you talking about?
Voldemort: Recall a certain movie called The Lion King?
Loki: Oh, here we go with that now! For the last time, I am not Scar! 
Voldemort: Hmm...yes, I suppose if you were Scar, you'd actually be intimidating. 
Loki slams the counter in frustration:I am intimidating! I strike fear into every person that sees me!
Joker: Yeah. Unless it's a teenage girl.
Voldemort mockingly: Then they just scream and faint from lust. Way to be a master of fright. 
Joker: Well, on second thought, I suppose that's not so bad. I mean, as long as you don't end up like-
Enter Hans Westergard from Frozen, coming in and interrupting the Joker's sentence
Hans: Who's got two thumbs and two awesome sideburns? Points to himself with his thumbs This guy! 
The villains all stare at him in disgust
Joker: Well, speak of the devil. 
Loki: And just what exactly are you doing here, Hans?
Hans: Um, maybe your helmet horns kept you from seeing the sign out front, but this is a villain's joint, Loki. And last I checked, I'm a Disney villain.
Loki chuckles mockingly: What? No you're not.
Hans: Yes I am.
Voldemort: No, you're just a whiny little baby of the family who grew into a manipulative, power hungry, sociopath of a jerk. A short pause There's like, a huge difference.
Hans offended: Whiny little...? I almost single handedly took over an entire kingdom!
Loki: Key word, almost. As in you failed, unlike me.
Hans: Well, I killed a princess. Come on, that's gotta get me some points!
Voldemort: Pff. Sorry, but capitalizing on a death somebody else caused doesn't count. 
Loki: You know, if you hadn't been such a showoff and actually had sliced Elsa's spine open, then I'd be impressed. But you didn't...so I'm not. 
Hans: Oh, come on! I had every intention of killing her. How was I supposed to know her sister would go all “You shall not pass.” on me? 
Loki: Well, you could have been a little faster about it. There was no reason to be sneaky, it didn't exactly look like she was going to fight back.
Hans: Ever heard of savoring the moment? It's like the biggest villain cliché, people.
Voldemort: Exactly! Everything you did was cliché. It was so boring!
Joker to Voldemort: Well, he does have a point, though. It's fun to drag the moment out a little bit, build tension and suspense, keep people guessing. 
Hans: Thank you! 
Joker: Of course, it's even more fun to actually land the killing blow when it's over. 
Loki: BOOM! Point, Loki!
Hans: Well, I- (stutters, silenced by the other three's smug faces) The kiss! I had the perfect chance to be the prince charming and save Anna, but instead, I left her to die. (desperately) That's evil, right?
Voldemort: See that? You left her. Any decent villain would've stayed, or maybe left a minion to make sure she was dead first.
Hans: Who am I, Gru? I don't have minions! 
Voldemort: Case closed. 
Joker clicks his tongue shamefully : So many mistakes, Hans.
Loki still to Hans: Yes, I suppose if you are a villain, you're a pretty pathetic one. 
Voldemort: Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that, Loki. I'd say he's still, erm...green. Still has room for improvement.
Loki: You mean improvement like actually causing one of the problems in his movie? 
Joker: Good point, Loki. To Hans After all, it was the Queen who froze the planet, and killed little red.
Hans: It was by accident! 
Joker shrugs: A kill is a kill. 
Voldemort: So if you think about it, if any Frozen characters should be here, it should be Elsa. Not you.
Joker to Voldemort: Oooh, I don't know. I don't think this place would live up to her, uh...royal standards. 
Loki: So what? You're saying you wouldn't want her here?
Joker: Oh, I'd definitely want her here. She makes me smile, no scars needed.
Voldemort: I know right!? Hugging her would be so worth the love and frostbite.
Hans: Um, hello!? Evil prince, still trying to prove his villainy here!
Loki ignoring Hans: You know, a lot of fans have a shipping of me and the Snow Queen. What do you guys think? Me and her, would it work?
Hans: Hellooo? Still here...guy with the sideburns?
Voldemort to Loki: Oh, go for it, brother! Oh, but wait...isn't she still with that Frost guy?
Loki: Voldy, please. Jack wouldn't stand a chance against me.
Hans: You guys aren't even listening to me anymore, are you? HeeeEEEyy…
Bownser picks Hans up by the collar, and drags him to the door.
Bownser: You know the rules, pal. Real villains only!
Hans: Hey, watch the collar. This jacket is worth more than you'll ever make! AAAAAHHH!!!! 
Bownser throws Hans out the door, and it closes behind him.
Voldemort: I like your attitude, Loki. No one can stand in the way of you and your goals.
Joker: Even I gotta admit, she's worth it. The only flaw she has is that she's, you know...takes a long sip of his drink.
Loki: What? That she's human and I'm a frost giant? 
Joker: No, I mean she's...
Loki: What, she's ice powered?
Joker: Well, no, it's just...emotionally,she's known for being a little...unstable. 
Loki: And?
Joker: Lok, think about it. If you upset her, well...it's gonna get really cold for you. 
Loki: Well, you know what they say.
Joker after waiting for a few seconds for Loki to finish :No, I don't. What do they say? 
Loki: The cold never bothered me anyway. 
Voldemort: OOOOOHHHH! He said it! (chuckles) I did not see that coming.
Category:Alternate Endings