S05E15: The Gang Defeats Level One Enemies

== Background: ==
The group leveled up and also finally took a long rest, apparently at a community college:
* Kanye created a Duolingo account (Linguist feat), and gave everyone secret decoder rings to further prove they are not dopplegangers.
* Carlos took acting classes (Actor feat) to embrace his recent impersonation habits.
* Averlyth took a magical gardening class (Spell Sniper feat with thorn whip).
== Session: ==
The group has returned from their quest, and find themselves back in the field office of the Drakeguard. When asked to debrief, Nissa describes the Limbo portal we found that was leaking chaos juice down the Perturbed Pyramid as well as the Forest Psalm we definitely didn’t read out loud.Drakeguard Director: I assume you handed it to the magical department for safe keeping?Carlos, eating a pizza: Yup, we definitely did that.The director asked us how the new recruit, Angelina Jolie did - we gave her an A+, although she disappeared because (we think) she might be splitting her time between her previous job and this one. Also supposedly junior recruits can have a lot of paperwork early on.
Angelina Jolie had delivered us some important info previously as well - all the events recently set in motion were caused by a group known as the Four Horsemen. The Director is horrified by their resurgence, warning us that their plans for destruction almost succeeded last time, and it took centuries for civilization to recover from the damage.
If we know they're the ones responsible for what's going on, then their plans are already in motion.
Logically, that resulted in us getting a promotion!
We're now considered lead operatives, and are in charge of leading the efforts against the horsemen. We’re not getting a salary bump though because we’re not getting paid to begin with.
Carlos sagely confirms with the director that when we inevitably get bronze statues of ourselves as heroes, Dr. Snuggleface must be included.
Kanye, for some reason that seemed relevant at the time, disappointingly discovers that we would need at least 80% of a body to bring them back to life with the Drakeguard’s magical services.
Everyone levels up their bracers and goes on a brief shopping spree with Q!Nissa: Shake it offCarlos: Command ZedUm: Titanic GrowthKanye: Need for speed + Titanic Growth (missed his first ability)Averlyth: Summon SuccubusThe group briefly forgets what they’re doing and reminisces about the past.
The group is informed they had been fired by their dragon friend, Grandmaster P, for not actually getting him gigs and instead calling him whenever they wanted him to just burn some dudes. The group acknowledges the criticism is legitimate and decides to watch out for future opportunities to host legitimate concerts.
The group is tempted to put up a job posting to hire an actual band manager for him and push his career along. The group contemplates being an agency.
The group wonders what Trey? has been up to - canonically, he may have been running the air ships business after our elemental ring season.
The group asks what happened with Phteven - he's still alive, it's just that he was hitting on Averlyth too much and so she, ah, requested he be transferred to a different facility. The group also attempts to remember how flamethrowers work.
Back in the shop, Kanye purchases a set of bongos to attach to his harness for Nissa to play war marches in combat. Averlyth purchases a pack of mockingbird gum so we can imitate anyone’s voice for an hour. Kanye bought a bulk pack of glaives on a discount mainly to acquire a single +1 magical/shiny glaive that is not fireproof. Alternatively, it can be lit on fire one time.
The group purchases a pocket meeting room to take advantage of the white board, which looks suspiciously like the meeting room they booked in the History channel's space station in the future.
An alarm sounds while Kanye is paying Q for the weapons.Alarm:  “Code Red! Code Red! All hands to duty stations!”Carlos: “heh doody”After the initial warning, the voice on the speakers calls for the group specifically to report to the Director’s office. Kanye considers napping, Carlos questions if the whole group actually has to go.
When we arrive, we're surprised to see the Queen in person, wrapping up a conversation with the Director. She seems calm despite the alarm; the Director is tense, but focused. Then, the queen nods at us before making to leave. Nissa curtsies to her real fast (she nods approvingly), Carlos sneers at her (she sneers back), Kanye points at his scroll of pedigree (she’s not surprised), Averlyth apologizes in advance (she rolls her eyes and finishes disappearing).
It turns out the alarm was sounded because of an incident at the Tower of Elminster (?). This location is centered on some leylines, which have the ability to amplify any ritual performed on it. We are told that a team of cultists disguised as students entered the tower and set off an incredibly potent gas bomb - by the time the City Watch showed up, the Tower was sealed off and occupied. The rooftop is sealed by a magical shield ward, which usually takes at least a couple dozen magic casters, and was presumably raised to protect whatever ritual they are in the middle of casting.
The only entrance is blockaded and heavily guarded - it is hypothesized they may have teleported their group in directly before setting up the wards - so the City Watch is setting up a way to break the barricade and let our group get into the Tower.
Nissa has been to the Tower before, and recalls that the tower has four, large and fairly open floors, with stair-cases alternating on each side. The top floor is where we expect the ritual to be taking place, given the usual usage of the Tower. We are not certain if there are innocents or hostages inside.
Averlyth recalls that leylines are a network of energy that connects various spots on the planet. They may not make normal spells extra powerful, unfortunately, and we are unable to brainstorm ways to take advantage of the locale.
The group does one last double check of their inventory.Kanye: Can I silver my weapons?DM: I thought you already silvered everything?Kanye: I did, and then I lit everything on fire.Carlos takes his time trying out some armor at the back of the store before purchasing some elven chain from the band fund. It's okay because everyone else has been paying with the band fund.
When finally ready, the group teleports in, landing in a courtyard. In front of us is a very large squad of the City Watch, all carrying heavy leather armor and crossbows. They’re crouched down behind the cover of their wagons, protecting themselves from the occasional magic missile or bolt of magical energy arcing down from the roof of the Tower.
The doorway to the tower has no door, but is hastily barricaded from the inside with bookshelves and objects that appear to be from the room. Even at a distance, we see movement from various figures inside.
The moment we arrive, the head of the City Watch makes his way to us and summarizes the situation. They are ready to blow the barricade whenever we say so, and they have been instructed to remain outside and not get in our way afterwards.
We give the signal, and 3 City Watch members run up to the Tower's entrance with comical-looking explosive devices. The bombs are placed on the barricade, and then they scamper back to their cover. A moment later, there’s an enormous explosion and inside we can hear shouts and yells. The doorway is now clear and there’s debris scattered around. A cultist wanders out dazed and confused - he immediately gets tackled by the city watch - and the head of the City Watch yells “GO GO GO”.
Kanye calmly asks if he can purchase one of the explosives. Carlos shoves him through the doorway.
Once in, we see a mostly clear main floor. The furniture has been piled up along a side near the stairwell, and we're greeted by 10 cultist thugs with maces and 3 priests glowing with a sickly green light.
Averlyth walks into the door and immediately fans out into four Averlyths (Mirror Image).
Carlos peeks out from behind Kanye and spends his turn shit-talking.Carlos: “Listen up, first level enemies! You will never survive this battle because we will not be defeated by the first level enemies-“Some Cultist: “We’re not first level!”Carlos: “You’re on the first level of the Tower, they don’t put the tough guys on the bottom floor”Kanye gazes menacingly as Carlos is talking and stomps his feet for effect, although he was a little late because he was tightening some straps so it might not have been as great as it could've been.
Carlos follows up his dramatic entrance by fearing as many of them as he can - 2 thugs are hit and visibly piss themselves, running for the far well. 1 thug is hit but doesn’t seem to care, and 1 priest caught in the spell seems like he might not have heard him altogether.
Nissa triumphantly casts Bane on the three priests as well as the thug that wasn’t affected by Carlos.
Kanye tells Woodhouse to prepare the flamethrower, then changes his mind and tell him to belay it, and then pulls out his new +1 glaive and tests it on the nearest enemy. He completely whiffs his first swing (“it’s +1 heavier!”) but then manages to get a solid hit the second time.
Um pulls out his crossbow, runs up a wall as is tradition, and then shoots at a priest. The cross bolt plunges into the priest’s chest, but alarmingly he doesn’t seem to react - he seems possessed by otherworldly force.
Everyone gets hit by a mace. Averlyth, Nissa and Carlos are hit twice. All of Averlyth’s doubles are hit and disappear. Kanye ripostes against the thug that missed him on the second hit, and all three of the priests turn and point at him - shooting a bolt of unholy green light.
Kanye brings up his shield and effortlessly reflects the bolts. The priests hiss.
Averlyth summons a thorny whip to pull the thug that hit her out the door, where some eager City Watchmen jump on him. Then, she summons her spiritual weapon - a large gauntlet - as a middle finger emerging from the ground before promptly pinning a nearby thug against the wall.
Carlos casts a 4 inch (“size doesn’t matter”) chromatic orb at the thug that hit him. He goes sailing back in the air - Carlos flips him off on the way and Nissa yells “that’s shocking!” as the whole room groans - and he lands on the far end, twitching and smoking but alive.
Kanye drops his gear in an enthusiastic attempt to coconut two thugs’ heads together. With a behemoth effort, he successfully grapples both of them and prepares to knock them both out in the following 6 seconds.
Carlos runs along a wall and takes a sneaky head shot at the guy pinned against a wall before returning to the ceiling.
The two guys grappled by Kanye surprisingly swing at him. One thug shoots Um with a cross bolt, another whacks Carlos twice, yet another whacks Averlyth twice. One last thug attempts to shoot Um but misses. The three priests once again turn towards Kanye, who is now enveloped in sickly green light.
Averlyth shoots a guiding bolt at the thug that hit her, and then focuses on keeping her spiritual gauntlet in place to continue pinning the dude on the wall.
Carlos kill the guy in front of him with 2 darts of magic missile, then sends the last bolt at the guy in front of Averlyth.
Nissa is excited about the newest Taylor Swift album and serenades the priests - two of them seem unaffected but the one with the crossbolt in him is clawing out his ears in bad taste.
Kanye decides that instead of doing coconuts he should just be a bouncer instead and throws his victims bodily out the door, where the group hears the sounds of immediate protest as the two thugs are dragged away by City Watch. Kanye takes a second to dust off his hands instead of re-equipping himself.
Um annihilates the guy pinned to the wall.
Averlyth safely disengages from the guy attacking her and attempts to swing the pinned corpse with the gauntlet at the priest nearest to her spiritual weapon - while it initially looked cool, the body sorta slips out of her grasp mid-swing and barely deals a glancing blow.
Carlos notices the three priests and one thug are close together and takes the opportunity to gift them with a fireball.
Now those four are dead.
Nissa demoralizes one of the four remaining thugs - he tries to make a break for it and Kanye does a basic. MELEE. Attack. The thug doesn’t slow down and runs outside where Kanye wanted him anyways.
Kanye double-checks with the group if there’s any reason to keep the last cultists alive. Then he promptly grapples the last un-feared thug and slams him into the ground.
Um shoots the dude to death in the eye.
The only ones left now are the two originally terrified thugs, who are now making a break for it. Carlos, making good on an earlier promise to wreck whoever was “the last to leave”, singes the tail feathers of the slower thug. We hear a yelp as he follows his friend into the arms of the City Watch outside.
Across the various bodies, the group loops 132 gold pieces, 1 potion of healing, and 1 potion of heroin heroism, which allows the drinker gain 10 temporary hit points and the effect of the bless spell for an hour.
Before advancing to the next level, the group takes a short rest with Nissa’s song of rest playing in the background.
After a breather, we make our way upstairs and find ourselves in another large room, this time with walls covered in astrological maps. All the furniture is once again piled up against the opposite wall. There are 5 burly women in front of us wearing torn robes revealing tattooed, muscular limbs. Behind them are 3 fanatical looking cult members, chanting madly.
For a moment, no one seems to notice us, but then the fanatics suddenly call out a code word, and everyone faces us in rage. The women raise their axes and we find ourselves once again on the brink of a-murdering.
Category:Episodes