Support Box: S02E04

Box's Big Burger is the fourth episode of Support Box Season Two and the eleventh episode of Support Box overall. The episode's plot is about Support Box seizing a business opportunity after a meeting with the Board of Directors. 
== The Episode ==
Welcome to Support Box, the show where we talk about Support Box! We are currently on our way to a meeting with the board of directors themselves! This meeting could make or break our show! How do you feel, boss?
question box why in the FUCK would you bring the cameramen here? you want us to get fired on live television?
(question box leans in)
of course not, boss! it's just that they can't sacrifice us to moloch if we're broadcasting!
(the boxes enter a room with a long table that had 5 people sitting at it)
Good, you two made it. Let's get this meeting going.
yeah sure, mr. director!
(question box and support box sit down in front of a table with 5 people facing them)
Do you know why we called you two here?
because we're the best at our jobs and you love us?
No, you idiot. Ratings are stagnating, and we're still dealing with the fallout of the Earl fiasco.
YEAH YEAH YEAH HE TRIED TO KILL MY MOM AND FRAME ME, THEN QUESTION BOX BECAME A TRAITOROUS FUCK, WHAT NOW?
Question Box was doing his job. He kept the ball rolling and bit his tongue for the ratings. And I know you understand that the only thing that matters...is the ratings.
yeah boss! the ratings are the--
However, you also kicked our sponsor off your set two episodes ago, so you're both on thin ice. Now, we need to find a way to turn things around...
apology tour?
No, the ratings will drop even more.
OOH HOW ABOUT QUESTION BOX ADOPTS AN AFRICAN BABY! PEOPLE CANT GET ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT!
Hm...put that one on the back burner. We have a better idea. We're going to distance Support Box from just being a talk show...and expand!
I DONT CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU THROW AT ME, IM NOT TURNING THE SHOW INTO A HENTAI REVIEW CHANNEL!
We have something much better...
(one of the directors snaps his fingers and a secretary walks up to support box and question box and hands them a packet of paper)
NO WAY...AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, I'M GETTING ONE?
You earned it, Support Box. And when you talk about how much you love it, everyone will be talking about it!
COME ON QUESTION BOX WE HAVE TO GET READY!! I GOT A CEREMONY TO GO TO!
...
(support box and question box are filming inside a crowded fast food joint)
WELCOME BACK TO SUPPORT BOX, THE SHOW WHERE WE TALK ABOUT SUPPORT BOX!
YEAH YEAH WHATEVER QUESTION BOX GET TO THE GOOD STUFF!
WE ARE STANDING HERE IN THE FACILITY OF A MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR FEEDING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE EVERY DAY!
(a man seated with his wife and two children groans)
hey man could you two quiet down, my kids are trying to enjoy their burgers!
HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SENILE ERECTILE CUNT! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?! IM SUPPORT BOX, AND I JUST GOT MY OWN SPECIAL MEAL!
(everyone in the restaurant audibly gasps as an employee steps out of the back room with a cardboard sign labelled "The Support Box Meal")
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS! SUPPORT BOX HAS JUST ENTERED THE BRAVE NEW WORLD OF FAST FOOD CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS!
good for you, but some of us want to enjoy our meals without--
(everyone in the restaurant begins throwing their food and trash at the man and his family and they flee the restaurant)
THATS RIGHT PEOPLE!! CAST THAT MAN OUT INTO THE STREETS! DOES HE HAVE A FAST FOOD MEAL??? I DONT THINK SO!!
HOW ARE YOU FEELING, BOSS? ITS A BIG DAY FOR YOU!!!
IM FEELING LIKE A MILLION BILLION GORILLION BUCKS, QUESTION BOX!!! ALL THE BLOOD SWEAT, MORE SWEAT, AND TEARS ARE FINALLY PAYING OFF!! GREASE MONKEY??? OH GREASE MONKEY, WHERE IS MY MEAL?
(behind the counter, the teenaged cooks are scrambling over each other to create the support box meal)
i-it it's on it's way mr. support box
WELL I WANT MY MEAL YESTERDAY, YOU LITTLE SHRIMP!! I COULD SELL YOU INTO SLAVERY AND BUY YOU BACK 60 TIMES OVER WITH THE MONEY I HAVE, DONT FUCK WITH ME ON MY BIG DAY!!
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE HARD ON THE KIDS, BOSS?
QUESTION CHUCK WHEN YOU GET YOUR OWN FAST FOOD ENDORSEMENT YOU CAN TREAT THE FRY COOKS HOWEVER YOU WANT, BUT THIS IS MY DAY SO IM EXPECTING PERFECTION!
(finally, an employee walks towards the boxes, a greasy bag full of food in one hand and a drink in another. he has grease burns on his arms and is close to tears)
h-heres your food sir, i hope you enjoy it
JUST LOOK AT THE DEDICATION OF THIS BURGER SLINGER!! ALL THE WORK HE HAD TO GO THROUGH TO CREATE THIS MEAL! WHATS YOUR NAME?
i-it's jerry, mr. question box sir! i'm a big fan of the sh--
QUESTION BOX GET OVER HERE AND UNPACK MY MEAL FOR THE CAMERAS!! THE PEOPLE AT HOME NEED TO SEE WHAT THEY'RE MISSING OUT ON!!!
(question box heads to a table and starts taking out the food)
BEHOLD, THE SUPPORT BOX MEAL! LARGE FRIES, 4 CHICKEN NUGGIES, AND THE COUP DE GRACE, THE SUPPORT BURGER!!
(question box unveils a burger that consists of 4 patties, onions, lettuce, ketchup, and tomato between 2 buns)
JUST LOOK AT ALL THAT BEEF, QUESTION BOX! ANY MORE COW AND BULLO WOULD BE BREAKING DOWN THE DOORS!!
AND NOW, FOR THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! THE TASTE TEST!
(support box takes a big bite of the burger...AND IMMEDIATELY SPITS IT OUT!!)
ACK ACK QUESTION BOX!! MY MEAL!!! THOSE MINIMUM WAGE CRACKFUCKERS POISONED MY MEAL!!! WHO WOULD DO THIS ON MY BIG DAY?!?! DID SOMEONE SPIT IN MY MEAL!?! DID THEY GIVE ME THE 'SPECIAL SAUCE'?! I WONT STAND FOR IT!! MY PEOPLE, PREPARE TO BURN THIS BITCH TO THE GROUND!
(the people inside start to become rowdy, flipping tables and even dragging one of the employees away screaming. question box picked up the burger and examined it. all four patties were white on the inside. he took a bite himself.)
ITS WORSE THAN THAT, BOSS....
THIS ISN'T MEAT!! ITS TOFU!!
WHAAAAAAAT?! GET THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS ON THE PHONE! CALL THE POLICE, CALL THE DEA!! I NEED TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!
(question box dials a number on his phone and points the speaker at support box)
Hello?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT??! IM HERE AT CHEESY DOES IT, ENJOYING MY BIG DAY WHEN TURNS OUT, MY QUADRUPLE PATTY BURGER IS A SHAM!!! YOU GAVE ME THE BEANS!!
That was the thing about this deal...they would only do it on the condition that the burger was vegan.
BUT...BUT ITS A BURGER WITH NO MEAT!!! THATS LIKE A STRIPPER WITHOUT AN ASS!! A SLUT WITHOUT A DAD!!!! THE SUPPORT BURGER NEEDS SOME MEAT, STAT!
Look, Support Box, you need to calm down. This is all part of the plan. When people see your name associated with a way to make a burger without harming animals, they'll be all over you again!
OR THEY'LL GAG AND VOMIT AT THIS SHITTY AS SHIT SHIT BURGER SLOP!!!
Hey boss, how about the drink?
(support box takes a sip and nods his head)
The drink's alright, is that a mango watermelon punch?
Yeah, we thought it would work well with the rest of the meal.
Good choice! But anyway THAT DOESN'T FIX THINGS!! I WANT BEEF! I WANT BEEF!
(everyone else in the restaurant joins in on the chant, beating their chests in support of support box)
LET ME DO THIS MY WAY!! I CAN RESTORE MY GOOD NAME WITHOUT ADVERTISING BEANO BURGERS!!
Sigh...fine. But if you screw anything up, the shareholders will have. Your. Ass.
(the line went dead. question box looked at support box)
see? told you they could sacrifice us!
(support box addresses the people)
PEOPLE OF THE CHEESY DOES IT!! I KNOW WHY YOU CAME HERE TODAY. YOU WANTED A BURGER THAT WOULD SATISFY YOUR CRAVINGS!! AND I KNOW THAT THIS FRANCHISE HAS FAILED YOU
(the ferverous patrons shout in agreement, grabbing the few remaining employees and attacking them)
OH SWEET JESUS PLEASE SUPPORT BOX MAKE THEM STOP
BUT IF YOU FOLLOW ME, I SHALL LEAD YOU TO THE PROMISED STAND!!! A LAND FLOWING WITH MILK, HONEY, AND ENDLESS REFILLS!!! COME WITH ME!!
(the people cheer and follow support box and question box as they walk out the door. question box takes a nervous glance behind himself)
WOW, WHAT A SPEECH BACK THERE, BOSS! BUT WHAT KIND OF PLACE EXISTS THAT HAS THOSE THINGS?
A PLACE LIKE THAT DOESN'T EXIST...BUT IT WILL SOON. IN THE MEANTIME, WE NEED TO DITCH THESE CRAZY FUCKS BEFORE THEY CAUSE A RIOT!
(someone from the crowd grabbed a rock and threw it at the window of a store)
too late! TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK!
...
(support box and question are standing inside a different fast food place, one just as crowded as the last. people at seated everywhere, enjoying plates stacked with burgers and fries)
WE'RE BACK WITH SOME MORE SUPPORT BOX IN YA MOUTH! IM QUESTION BOX, AND IM SITTING INSIDE THE HOTTEST RESTAURANT IN CALIFORNIA, BOX'S BIG BURGER!
THATS RIGHT, QUESTION BOX!! AFTER THE LET DOWN THAT WAS THE SUPPORT BURGER, I DECIDED TO TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS!! FIGURE OF SPEECH! NOW I'VE GOT PEOPLE LINING UP TO GET MY BURGERS!
HOW DID YOU PULL IT OFF, BOSS?
WELL QUESTION BOX, UNLIKE THOSE BILLION DOLLAR COMPANIES THAT USE SURVEYS AND CONSUMER TESTS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT RESTAURANT PEOPLE WANT TO EAT AT, I MADE THE RESTAURANT SOMEWHERE I WOULD WANT TO EAT AT! AND SINCE I HAVE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DEVOTED FANS, WHAT I WANT IS WHAT THEY WANT! ALSO HELPS THAT I EMPLOY AN ALL FEMALE STAFF, AMIRITE GUYS?!?!?!?!
(rows of scantily clad waitresses exit the back with platters of burgers and fries, sending the whole restaurant into another round of whoops and cheering)
WOW BOSS...A HOOTERS FOR BURGERS! WHAT AN UNTAPPED MARKET!
(question box's phone rings and he answers it)
PUT IT ON SPEAKER, QUESTION BOX, I WANT THE FANS TO HEAR THE PRAISE IM GONNA GET!
Support Box, you're really in the shit now!
WHATS THE PROBLEM? IM MAKING MONEY AND THE PEOPLE LOVE THE FOOD!! I MEAN WE COULD STILL ADOPT THE AFRICAN BABY...
Have you seen the article online about your little place? You have people slaughtering bulls out in the back, columns of smoke coming from your grills, and don't get me started on the women! Did you actually say in the job description "If you don't have double Ds, you're dead to me"?
THAT ONE WAS QUESTION BOX'S IDEA
(question box is watching one of the waitresses lean over to give someone food)
yeah that was all me and stuff...yeah...
Support Box, shut it down, things may be looking good now, but it can all change in a flash.
THAT AINT HAPPENING! I GOT YOU SUITS WHAT YOU WANTED, FUCK THOSE REVIEW AND ARTICLES! AND IF BOX'S BIG BURGER GETS SHUT DOWN, THERE WONT BE ANYWHERE TO KEEP ALL THESE PEOPLE FROM RIOTING AGAIN! YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE EMPLOYEES AT CHEESY DOES IT! THE CITY CANT AFFORD THAT KIND OF BLOODSHED!
(chattering on the other side)
...Fine, keep the burger place. We'll be in contact.
NO WAY! THE BOSS JUST STOOD UP TO THE OTHER BOSSES!!
I JUST DID! A ROUND OF BURGERS FOR EVERYONE!
(the crowd goes crazy and pounds their tables)
AS YOU CAN SEE, FOLKS, WE'RE LIVING LARGE! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, SAME TIME, SAME CHANNEL! HEY BOSS CAN I GET A QUESTION BURGER?