Headcrab

These are horny creatures who hump heads. No one knows why they hump heads instead humping each other. Scientists have concluded that all headcrabs are females that evolved and started humping heads after all the males disappeared after a humping spree.
Headcrabs are the most violent type of crab known to man. And women. And your neighbor. And probably that old guy down the street whos name you can never remember. Having headcrabs typically results in becoming a hideous screeching zombie host. Which isn't fun. Trust me on this one. Remember, kids: Knowing is half the battle. The other half is being able to wield a crowbar in a fashion that can easily beat the living fahjeezus out of a headcrab. This article can safely help you to get down with the whole "knowing" part. The thing with the crowbar? Yeah, that's up to you.
Headcrabs are commonly found in the dark. I mean really dark. We're talking the kind of dark that requires you to have a flashlight. The kind of dark that Grues live in. Please do not confuse headcrabs with Grues. See, Grues just eat you alive in horrible pain. Headcrabs jump up and start humping your head like there's no tomorrow. So, really, which is worse? Being eaten? Or having to live with the insult of having been raped on the head by a crab? Here's a hint: the answer isn't "being eaten".
== == ==
Always get your sex partner checked. You can perform this check by checking the scalp region for a large parasitic alien. If your partner shows signs of a parasitic alien gnawing off their face, bash their head in with a crowbar. Shampoo will not do the trick. Some freelance doctors have also proposed that wearing a fancy suit makes you immune, although this is not known for certain. It is rumored that in addition to fancy suits, one must also be not-quite-human, wear massive amounts of hair gel, or be Dick Cheney, who shoots everything in sight, including head crabs and activist judges. Do NOT wear jeans and a white shirt covered in blood or tomato juice as this is one of the headcrab's few turn-ons.
Symptoms include
*A distinct love for icing. When a victim is separated from icing, the victim screams: "YABBA!!!!!" and asks for their icing.
*Freak out jib.Easy, Jib'll turn into a with three hairs, or a santa hat throwing pie bombs or having holiday spirit. he can also be your worst - involving nightmare, HEADCRAB JIB. By The Way, He's Rare. Just +++++++++++ Jib.
*Strange feeling to force Gordon Freeman, who appears to be a fish to the victim, to eat crackers.
*Itching at groin.
*Yellowing of the blood
*Red, dry, or missing eyes.
*Numbness around the cranial region
*A severe case of dandruff
*Hair loss
*Skin loss
*Head Loss
*Death
*Loss of bodily functions
*Loss of internal organs (through a large hole in your gut)
*A peculiar expansion in the chest area
*Elongation of fingers, toes, and... other extremities
*Syllabification
*Voices of a Orthodox priest in your head
*A crab-like creature located at the head
*An uncontrollable urge to moan and shamble
*Speaking backwards
*Summability
*Sterility
*Inflammability
*Incriminated tolerance for poison, radiation, and leg loss
*Ability to move very fast and jump very far
*Ability to transmit headcrabs without sex (cause no one wants to have sex with a guy like that!)
*Ability to be lit on fire and still walk around for around 10 more seconds than usual while screaming and grumbling randomly like a total spaz.
*Sudden erections at least 200 times a day.
*Imagin weird pictures of black people.
*Reading weird sites like this one.
*Being attracted to bugs, usually: Centipedes, spiders, flies and Oprah.
*Suddenly finding yourself wearing a red shirt and blue jeans
*The incredible urge to rip open your chestReproduction Procedure ==
*Evilness
These are the ways headcrabs hump heads.
-Way 1-
1. Jump straight to head.
2. Go shut the mouth, so the victim sex buddy doesn't alert anyone.
3. Commence humping.
4. ???
5. Make the person a zombie and protect the headcrab eggs until they hatch.
6. Profit!
-Way 2-
1. Go hump the target until it is dead very exhausted.
2. When it is exhausted, commence humping.
3. ???
4. Make the person a zombie and protect the headcrab eggs until they hatch.
5. Profit!
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