Episode 416: Jonathan Winters/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 416: Jonathan Winters.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter 	Jonathan Winters? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Winters.
Jonathan	Please, why do they do this to me? There's no time for that. Don't you know there's an old gypsy? And she's put a curse on the performance. I just can't appear tonight. I can't appear, I tell ya.
Scooter 	But sir, there's no gypsy curse.
Jonathan	Oh, yeah. It's always people like you that say, (mocks him) "There's no gypsy curse!" Well, there is a gypsy curse! I saw her in the alley. Frightening woman with hair clear out to here. One eye, that tells you something, a one-eyed woman. She looked like she'd been hit from the back real hard. It just — OOM! popped out.
 	
Jonathan	She said "There's a curse on this show!" What does it take — to believe me?
Scooter 	Um, gee, I …
 	The hatrack falls on Scooter.
Jonathan	Huh? Well?
Scooter 	(gets up, dazed) That'll do fine.
Jonathan	Glad you took the brunt of it.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Jonathan Winters! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	A gypsy pops up in Statler and Waldorf's box. The men shiver.
Gypsy 	A curse upon this Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo plays his trumpet as a bugle call, summoning a horse.
Horse 	You called? (giggles)
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news.
 	A sandbag falls behind him, startling him.
Kermit 	Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news.
 	Another sandbag falls behind him, startling him.
Kermit 	(shaken) I-I-I thought lightning never struck twice.
 	
Kermit 	Uh, will you get these sandbags outta here?!? Up up up up up! Uh, I'm going backstage to unfrazzle. But right now, it's circus time! YAAAYY!
 	At the circus, some pig lion tamers tease Butch and out on to the stage while singing "Hold That Tiger". Sundance arrives, gun-toting in a mask, to rescue his friend.
Butch 	About time you showed up, Sundance!
Sundance	Sorry I'm late, Butch, but that cross-town traffic is murder!
 	
 	The pair exit the stage by way of weaving through three rings of fire.
Waldorf 	Oh, poor Butch and Sundance. After an escape like that, they'll have to hide out in some dismal, dark, depressing hole in the wall.
 	The two beasts pop up behind Statler and Waldorf.
Sundance	We'll hide out here, Butch.
==Backstage==
 	The pigs run backstage, frightened.
Pigs 	Help! Help!
Kermit 	Hey — hey, what are you guys doing here? Your act just started!
Pig (DG)	Somebody stole our tiger! (runs off)
Kermit 	Good grief! Uh, Scooter, what's on next?
Scooter 	Oh, uh, Patti Saverne and her trained chair!
Kermit 	Oh.
 	Patti comes out of the dressing room with a chair.
Patti 	Coming!
Kermit 	Hmm?
Patti 	Yep, we're ready! (cracks whip) Hah!
 	She trips and falls on her chair, breaking it. She gets up
Patti 	Oh boy, yeah. Could you use some very talented sticks?
Kermit 	(frets) Forget it. Uh, let's see, uh, (through the intercom) onstage, Bernice and her half-horse half-watermelon act!
Floyd 	Oh, bad luck, Kermit.
Kermit 	Hmm?
Floyd 	Yeah, the horse half just came down with hoof-and-mouth disease.
Kermit 	(frets) Could we just use the watermelon half?
Floyd 	What a bizarre and disgusting thought. Yuch!
Kermit 	I guess so, uh, well, uh, what — what can we send out on stage now?
Fozzie 	How 'bout — hey, how 'bout Jonathan?
Kermit 	Jonathan! Jonathan Winters! Uh, Jonathan Winters on stage please!
Fozzie 	Yeah!
 	
 	Applause as Jonathan emerges from his dressing room, still frazzled.
Kermit 	What is it, Jonathan?
Jonathan	Kermit, Kermit, I can't go on tonight, I just can't go on tonight. I don't know about you — whether you've heard this or not, but there's been a curse put on by a horrible gypsy lady. A curse put on the show.
Kermit 	No, no, no, there is no gypsy curse on tonight's show!
Jonathan	Pay attention to me! There's a curse put on the show, I tell you.
Kermit 	Jonathan, if you'd just get out on stage please, and do your act now?
Jonathan	I'm not going to do my act, I tell you. Not with a curse on the show.
Kermit 	But —
Jonathan	(as gypsy) "I don't care what you say! There's been a curse put on this show!" That's the way she talks.
Fozzie 	Hurry, hurry, hurry! Hurry! You're on!
 	Fozzie leads Jonathan onstage. The gypsy pops up.
Gypsy 	I don't care what you say! There's a curse been put on this show!
 	She ducks down as Scooter appears.
Scooter 	Is there an echo in here tonight? (looks around)
==Prop comedy==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. —
Jonathan	Please! Please. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you. (sobs) All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
Kermit 	(frets) What'll we do now?
Fozzie 	Kermit — that was — oh, that was so sad. Can we — declare an intermission?
Kermit 	Uh, I tried that once. The audience left and they never came back.
Fozzie 	Uh — I know — (whispers) I'll get my props. Jonathan can use them.
Kermit 	Oh, good. Hurry up and get 'em. Get 'em.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir. (waves to crowd) Aaah. (exits)
Kermit 	Uh, uh, just stay with us, ladies and gentlemen, uh, Jonathan Winters will be right out. I hope. (exits)
 	Behind the curtain, Fozzie wheels a giant steamer trunk.
Fozzie 	Here we go. Here's my prop box. (grunts) You can use it all.
 	
Jonathan	(picks up a noose) Oh, dear. I was sure this would have held him.
Kermit 	Oh, good. You're ready. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY!
 	The curtain opens on Jonathan and the trunk.
Jonathan	Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. Bless your heart. (waves) You don't have to wave back. Oh dear. Well, what I love to do is to … open the trunk — pardon my back — it's either that or my front — (Fozzie hands him a nautical hat from the trunk) … and of course … it's just full of things that I've collected from all over the world. How dramatic.
 	He puts on the hat.
Jonathan	Yes, let's hope that this is the front. Long time since I've been an officer. (as captain) Steady as she goes. Elias, you'll do well at the wheel. (as first mate) Thank you, sir. Thank you. I wish I could make you out in this bloody storm. (as captain) Ha ha ha. (stabs first mate) My turn. (steers) Steady as she goes. Hated to kill him, but this is my ship.
 	Applause. Fozzie hands Jonathan a top hat.
Fozzie 	Terrific. Here. Go ahead.
Jonathan	(British accent) Oh, what a lovely day. Margot, please, pay attention. Shooting Star, my horse … my horse is running. Could I have your glasses — not those, the other ones. Poor nearsighted devil. Oh — Lord Charles! Lord Charles — hello! Hello! (blowdart sound) Why does he do that? Those things hurt. (blow) to you!
 	Applause.
Fozzie 	That was terrific.
Jonathan	No it wasn't.
 	
Jonathan	I'll tell you when it is.
Fozzie 	Sorry.
Jonathan	(as John Wayne) Well, I don't care what you say. I'm not afraid. Sure, there's six thousand Shoshone. You, Walking Bear, come here. (switches to Native American, then back to Wayne) You got a lotta lines for an Indian.
 	Applause. Fozzie hands him a feather headdress.
Fozzie 	This is — oh, you — this is gonna be great.
Jonathan	Is it?
Fozzie 	I think so.
Jonathan	I'll be the judge of that.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir.
Jonathan	So far, I'm the judge.
 	He dons the headdress and speaks mock-Native American.
Jonathan	(as chief) My people … and I … Chief Iron Hand … will do a dance for you. Please take pictures of us.
 	He does a Native chant. The gypsy watches from the wings.
Gypsy 	Sa-doom-boom!
 	The set falls apart and the curtain comes down.
Waldorf 	Heh, how about that? They brought the house down. (laughs)
Statler 	That's an old joke.
Waldorf 	Well, some things improve with age.
Statler 	You don't. (laughs)
 	Waldorf punches him.
==Backstage==
Fozzie 	Kermit! Kermit — it is murder out there. (Kermit nods) Y'know, we must really be under that old gypsy lady's curse.
Kermit 	Fozzie, that's ridiculous. Now, everything's pretty much as always.
Fozzie 	Wh — Kermit! How can you say that? (grabs him) We are doomed! (shakes him) Yes! What has to happen before you realize that??
Kermit 	Fozzie!
Fozzie 	What?
Kermit 	Something — something truly bizarre, hideous and unnatural.
Gonzo 	(WHOOSH!) You called?
Kermit 	Gonzo, you don't count. (Gonzo exits) Now, I will believe that there's a curse only if we're visited by something absolutely disastrous.
 	A meteor falls from the sky and lands on Kermit's flipper. Kermit yelps.
Fozzie 	How about a — a meteor falling on your flipper?
Kermit 	(sigh) Fozzie, listen, uh, would you — would you go out on stage and fill for me? I mean, you and Scooter could do that song you were practicing.
Fozzie 	Oh, right, gotcha. SCOOTER!
Scooter	Hey, I'm ready! (follows Fozzie onstage)
Kermit 	Get out there! (sigh) Oh boy. I bet nothing else can happen tonight.
 	Two steam-blowing aliens hatch out of the meteor.
Kermit 	All bets are off.
Aliens 	Do not fear, Earth man. We come only to observe and ask questions.
 	
=="On Her Doorstep Last Night"==
 	Main stage. Fozzie enters nervously.
Fozzie 	Uh, uh, Scooter! Ahhh. Alright, hit it! One, two —
Scooter 	Fozzie, don't you think we should introduce the number?
 	The orchestra begins playing.
Fozzie 	Oh yeah. It's called uh, "On Her Doorstep" with me, and him.
When a heart is young and free,
And spring is in full bloom, 
The young man's fancy turns to love, we know. Ahhh. Scooter.
Scooter 	
There's a pair I often see,
As they stand beneath the moon.
And the other night he just let himself go.
Fozzie 	What did he do?
Scooter 	He kissed her.
Fozzie 	Who did?
Scooter 	He did.
Fozzie 	Where?
Both 	On her doorstep last night.
Fozzie 	He hugged her.
Scooter 	Who did?
Fozzie 	He did.
Scooter 	Where?
Both 	On her doorstep last night.
Scooter 	He said "You are my darling, Kate" …
Fozzie 	Then he squeezed her fingers in the garden gate.
Scooter 	Then he kissed her.
Fozzie 	Who did?
Scooter 	He did.
Fozzie 	Where?
Both 	On her doorstep last night.
La la la la, la la la la, la —
 	They notice the aliens dancing. Kermit watches from the wings.
Kermit 	I believe it. The show is cursed.
 	The gypsy joins him, giggling. Scooter and Fozzie continue singing nervously with the aliens.
 	
Scooter & Fozzie	Then he kissed her.
Aliens 	Who did?
Scooter & Fozzie	He did.
Aliens 	Where?
Scooter & Fozzie	
On her doorstep last night.
He hugged her.
Aliens 	Who did?
Scooter & Fozzie	He did.
Aliens 	Where?
Scooter & Fozzie	
On her doorstep last night.
He said "You are my darling, Kate" …
Aliens 	
Then he squeezed her fingers in the garden gate.
And we kissed her.
Scooter & Fozzie	You did?
Aliens 	We did.
 	Scooter and Fozzie scream and run away as one of the aliens pulls a space-gun.
Aliens 	On her doorstep last night!
 	Applause. The aliens bow.
==Dressing room==
 	The door opens. A shark enters.
Jonathan	Yes? Yes, come right in. (sees the shark) Oh, interesting, interesting.
Shark 	Excuse me, I'm looking for Jacques Cousteau.
Jonathan	Jacques Cousteau — would you open please?
Shark 	Ahhh.
 	
Jonathan	Yes, there he is. (closes his mouth) Good luck to you.
Shark 	Thank you.
==Bear on Patrol==
 	The opening sequence plays.
Announcer 	Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
 	Open on Link stamping papers. Fozzie enters, teetering, with an octopus stuck to his head.
Fozzie 	Whooaaaaa, gotcha— I gotcha. Come here.
Link Hogthrob	Patrol Bear?
Fozzie 	Yes sir!
Link Hogthrob	Listen, would you get back in uniform before I put you on report? That is not regulation headgear.
Fozzie 	Nope, this is my prisoner. Sir! (struggles more) I caught him picking pockets at the aquarium.
Link Hogthrob	Did you catch him wet-handed? (chuckles)
Fozzie 	Terrific. (struggles more)
Link Hogthrob	Listen, Patrol Bear, I want you to book him.
Fozzie 	Wha-how? How do you mean, how's that?
Link Hogthrob	Well, you know, take a set of fingerprints.
Fozzie 	Wha — ah — where do I start?
Link Hogthrob	Well, you start with the pinky.
Fozzie 	(struggles more) I don't think he has a pinky — I think they're all greenies. Whoa! Whoaaaaa!
Link Hogthrob	He must have a pinky. Where would he wear his pinky ring?
Fozzie 	Sir, could you just get another patrol — AAHH! (struggles more) Please don't — wait, wait —
 	Fozzie tries his best to get a tentacle-print from the octopus. The phone rings. Link answers it.
Fozzie 	Sir, could you — WAUGH! (struggles more on the floor)
Link Hogthrob	Hello? Yeah. What? Hmm. Is that right?
Fozzie 	Help! I just — please, could we talk about this?
Link Hogthrob	Okay. (hangs up) Um … something more important has just come up, Patrol Bear. I want you to release — Patrol Bear … uh, would you release that prisoner, please?
 	The octopus pins Fozzie down again.
Link Hogthrob	You see, that call was from the aquarium. I want you to go over there and check it out. Somebody stole a valuable octopus.
 	
 	The octopus gets up, now wearing Fozzie's uniform.
Octopus 	Check, chief! (exits)
 	Fozzie gets up, dazed, sans clothing.
Fozzie 	I … y'see …
 	He looks down, yelps, covers himself and ducks down.
Fozzie 	Check, chief. (exits)
==UK spot==
Gypsy	Let me tell you a story, my children.
 	
 	The gypsy sings "Golden Earrings" in her camp which consists of pigs, including Link and Annie Sue. Link plays a violin solo.
Gypsy	(swoons) Send me, Linky baby!
 	They do one final chorus. Applause.
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ahem. Oh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I have good news for you world travelers who are always struggling with cumbersome luggage. Introducing the new Muppet Labs luggage compressor. My assistant, Beaker, will demonstrate.
 	Beaker enters, wearing a mini sombrero and holding a suitcase, humming "Aloha Oe."
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Okay, Beaker, I see you've dressed like a tourist to make the demonstration more realistic. Very cute. All right, put the bag on.
 	He puts it on the conveyor belt.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Okay.
 	The suitcase is moved into the unit. Loud, thumping noises are heard -- klunk-klunk-klunk. Bunsen goes to the other end, where the suitcase comes out, flat as a pancake.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh. Very good! Now, my assistant Beaker will show you, that it also works on large luggage like a steamer trunk.
 	Beaker struggles with the heavy trunk. He protests at first.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, come on, Beaker, give it the old college try.
 	The gypsy watches from the wings, giggling. Beaker struggles with the suitcase, but ends up on the conveyor belt. In he goes, into the machine, klunk-klunk-klunk … and comes out flat as a pancake.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And that's all from Muppet Labs.
 	
Beaker 	(whimpers)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Come on, Beaker. Uncle Bunny will just put you in an envelope and mail you to the hospital.
Beaker 	(whimpers)
==Dressing room==
 	A knock on the door.
Jonathan 	Yes?
 	An alien enters, blowing off some steam.
Alien (FO)	Excuse me. I am Jonathan Winters. Who are you?
 	
Jonathan 	Just a moment. I always have to check. I thought I was Jonathan Winters.
Alien (FO)	(snickers) Ahhhh!
Jonathan 	What planet are you from?
Alien (FO)	I'm from Earth.
Jonathan 	Are you from Earth?
Alien (FO)	Yes. I'm a comedian.
Jonathan 	Are you a comedian?
Alien (FO)	Yes. (laughs like Bert)
Jonathan 	Oh, Steve Martin. Gosh, you'll do anything, won't you?
Alien (FO)	Bye-bye. (exits)
Jonathan 	Beautiful costume, though.
=="You'll Never Walk Alone"==
	
	A caterpillar trudges through a storm in weather gear singing "You'll Never Walk Alone", braving the fierce wind and rain.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo tries to comfort a flock of restless chickens. Scooter approaches Kermit.
Scooter	Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
Kermit 	What now?
Scooter	I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Scooter	She made a dire prediction!
Gonzo 	A dire prediction? (two chickens faint)
Kermit 	So — so, what was the dire prediction?
Scooter	Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, everyone would turn Swedish!
Gonzo 	(gasp!)
Kermit 	I don't believe it.
Gonzo 	Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, we'll all be (mock Swedish) …
Kermit 	Gonzo!
Scooter	Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (mock Swedish) …
Kermit 	Oh, Scooter!
Fozzie 	Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (mock Swedish) …
Kermit 	Fozzie!
 	Fozzie and Scooter start fretting in mock Swedish.
Kermit 	Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are (mock Swedish) …
 	
 	Soon everyone backstage is exclaiming things in mock Swedish. The chaos lures the Swedish Chef to the room who gleefully plays the concertina in celebration.
=="English Country Garden"==
 	Main stage. The gypsy enters.
Gypsy 	Heh heh. Well, it looks like I'll have to introduce the final number. Everyone else around here has turned Swedish.
Statler 	Not all of us, you old bat! Some of us (mock Swedish) …
Waldorf 	(laughs) Now you are too, you (mock Swedish) …
Gypsy 	So much for that. And now, the closing number! (waves arms) Yaaaay! I always wanted to do that.
 	Three trolls dance to an instrumental version of "English Country Garden". Meanwhile, backstage, a tiger, an Arab and a penguin have joined the mock Swedish-speaking crowd. Jonathan approaches Kermit in the wings.
Jonathan	Kermit?
Kermit 	Hmm?
Jonathan	Excuse me — uh, is it true that uh, everyone is turning Swedish?
Kermit 	(mock Swedish)
Jonathan	(mock Swedish)
 	The dancing continues onstage.
 	
Newsman 	We interrupt this entertainment to bring you an important news bulletin. Not everyone on the show is turning Swedish. I, for one, have remained my normal self.
Gypsy 	There is one type person unaffected by the curse.
Newsman 	I am that type.
Gypsy 	The boring and stupid type person.
Newsman 	(scowls) Uh, well, uh, actually, I am sort of starting to feel Swedish. Smorgasbord. Uh, Stockholm. Ingmar Bergman! Meatballs! (exits)
 	The trolls' dance continues, as Statler and Waldorf continue speaking mock Swedish.
Waldorf 	… and I demand it now. (gasp) Wait a minute! I can talk! The spell is broken!
Statler 	We're saved! (they cheer)
Gypsy 	It's just that your time is up! You guys only paid me for the half-hour curse.
Statler 	Well, thank goodness!
Kermit 	Wait a second! You mean you two geezers paid for a gypsy curse to be put on our show?
Statler 	Yeah, but I didn't think it would include us.
 	
Gypsy 	You want another hour? It's only seven bucks!
Kermit 	Will you get off the stage? Come on, off the stage, off the stage!
 	The trolls' dance continues. In the wings, Jonathan hands the gypsy a wad of bills.
Jonathan	Here, the seven dollars I promised.
Gypsy 	Ah. So, you want the curse back? You got it.
Jonathan	(mock Swedish)
 	The trolls' dance concludes. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	(mock Swedish) … Jonathan Winters! YAAAAYY!
 	Applause as Jonathan emerges.
Jonathan	(mock Swedish)
Kermit 	(mock Swedish) … de Müppët Shøw!
 	
 	Everyone gathers onstage speaking mock Swedish as the credits roll. The show closes with the Swedish Chef conversing with Statler and Waldorf in their box.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts