Helen, The New WREN

==Opening remarks==
*Phillips: Steady at that, Chief.
*Pertwee: St...
*Phillips: No, no, no. No, no, no. No, I'm wrong. No, o-over that way a bit.
*Pertwee: Over this way a bit, Sir.
*Phillips: Yeah. Ah, ah!
*Pertwee: Ah, ah.
*Phillips: Where did that one come from?
*(Crash FX)
*Murray: It was there all the time.
*Phillips: Serves him right for getting in my way.
*(Ongoing Horn fx)
*Pertwee: Here, Mr Phillips, Sir. Sir!
*Phillips: What?
*Pertwee: Mr Phillips, Sir, ahead.
*Phillips: What?
*Pertwee: Ahead!
*Phillips: Head? I've got a he... No! Oh lummy. Lummy, another of them. Err a-ger yer err, err, go over the top.
*Pertwee: Eh?
*Phillips: Err, no, no. Umm, err, turn left in mid-air.
*Pertwee: Pardon?
*Phillips: Err, da, ah, wrong again. A... full astern both. Left hand down a bit.
*Pertwee: Everybody down!
*(Crash FX)
*Phillips: Ship docked, Sir.
*Pertwee: Half way up Portsmouth high street, Sir.
*Murray: So I gathered. What's that hanging on the sharp end?
*Phillips: Yes. Who dumped that load of old firewood on our prow?
*Pertwee: Well two minutes ago it was a workman's hut on the dockyard, Sir.
*Murray: Oh. Well that's alright then. It's not Admiralty property.
*Pertwee: Oh even so, Sir. I still reckon Mr Phillips lost his no claims bonus.
*Murray: Yes, quite. He'll be on his usual trek to Captain Povey's office tomorrow morning to get Heather to fill in his accident form for him.
*Phillips: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Not likely. Tonight I'm getting on the end of that queue.
*Murray: Queue? What queue?
*Phillips: Ha, ha, ha. The one outside Captain Povey's office to see Captain Povey's new secretary.
*Pertwee: Oh. What happened to Heather then?
*Phillips: Well she's on leave. And from what I've seen of this new one, through her office window - with the aid of my binoculars - from three miles out, she's absolutely hu, ha, ha... corr!
*Pertwee: Stone me! Six to four he crashed us deliberately so he could meet the new bird.
*Murray: Yeah, be that as it may, new err birds err ah I mean young ladies err don't interest me. Hi... I'm just thankful to be back home at Portsmouth at last.
*Pertwee: At last? We've only been out for the day, Sir.
*Murray: It may be a day to you but being separated from my Rita-kins for all this time is a... is an eternity to me. Even now the poor dear'll be pacing the hall waiting to hear the sound of my footfalls on the gravel so she can rush to the front door, hurl it open, fling her arms round me and pledge her undying love. Huh, and then after a...a carefully balanced meal and a quick coffee it'll be up a little wooden hill to Bedfordshire.
*Pertwee and Phillips: Ha, ha, ha. Dirty old devil!
*Theme Music
Category:Episodes