2014.02.01 - Attack of the D-List Villian

I have no set in mind. Deadpool frowns, rubbing his chin as he sits on a fire escape platform, feet dangling under him. "Right? I had something, but then it completely slipped my mind." We could do something classy for MJ, get her a modelling gig in Chinatown? "Pfft, that's too much work," Deadpool says aloud. He reaches for a chimichanga he must have brought in from the city and unwraps it carelessly, littering foil wrap on the people walking under him.
Too bad. MJ could use the work, seeing as how she's just returned to the Big Apple and has yet to secure herself a job. But she's alright for now, at least, with enough money saved up for a modest apartment and some furnishings to fill it with. And hey, she even has enough money for some authentic Chinese food which is what brought her here. Dressed warmly, she is wandering the street, trying to find the one restaurant she remembers loving as a kid.
From on high a pigeon floats down and lands on the railing right above Deadpool's head, on the next fire escape platform up. It peers down and the black and red garbed man tipping its head from side to side in that creepy way pigeons have...
"PIGEON!" Deadpool screams in a manner designed to intimidate and terrify, rather than one a frightened girl spotting a horrifying beast. 
As the pigeon cocks its head, Deadpool whips a pistol out of the holster and aims it at the bird, dropping his chimichanga. 
"I swear to god, if you drop a deuce on me, I will blow you into feathers," Deadpool informs the pigeon, staring down the sights at it.
The deep fried pseudo-Mexican food lands at MJ's feet, that and the screaming and yelling from above getting her to look up. The angle from which she tries to see what's going on keeps the man and the bird hidden from view, mostly, but not for long as her curiosity gets the better of her. Looking around quickly, she tugs the lower ladder of the fire escape down and begins to climb it.
Deadpool's yell seems to have the intended effect. Either that or that's a really smart pigeon that knows what a gun is all about. Whatever the reason the pigeon takes off again, sans-deuce, but instead of just fleeing the area it flutters down to land on MJs shoulder, still peering at Deadpool in its creepy pigeony way. "coo coo..."
That... okay, Mary Jane Watson is not afraid of birds but she does scream, the pigeon catching her off guard. There's a bit of flailing but at least she has metal grating under her feet as she did manage to reach the bottom-most 'landing' just before the bird decided to use her as a perch. "Oh, come on," she hisses, waves her hands at her shoulder level. "Go on. Shoo!"
*flutter flutter flutter* The pigeon takes off and flies around for a second of two before coming back for another landing. On MJ's opposite shoulder. and still watching Deadpool. And the chimichanga. And Deadpool.
MJ Watson sighs. "Fine. Come on." The ascent up the ladders continue, her pace slowing eventually. She has no idea who is up there and she knows she'll need to be careful. "Hello? We're coming up. Don't shoot." Or assault or anything else they might do. Depends on if the person is crazy and just what kind of crazy they are.
The pigeon does the little head bobby thing pigeons do. And it steps from foot to foot back and forth. The further MJ goes up the ladder the more agitated her little passenger seems to get. As she gets about two steps away from the next landing it hops off, flutters down to the edge of the landing itself and finally stops looking at Deadpool to instead focus on MJ as it quick foots left and right along the edge of the landing. Almost as if it was trying to keep MJ from making it all the way up.
"WOAH! Hot chick en route!" He starts thumping the back of the pigeon's head. "Hey, get out of the way!" he orders the flying rodent. "A hot chick's coming up here! You're cramping my style, man! Do I know you?" he demands, eyeballing the pigeon suspiciously.
The redhead comes up short. Hot chick? Blinking, MJ looks around before she too eyes the feathered pest, adding to the eyeing its already getting from the other person. "I hate those things," she announces with a sigh. "Oh well. So..." She peers around a little more, trying to get a good look at the man. "I can leave you alone with the pigeon, if you'd like."
Said flying rodent flaps away from Deadpool's head thumping. If pigeons could squawk it probably would have. After its clear from the physical abuse it lands on the outside railing of the fire escape, melts into a growing blob of golden ectoplasm, then reforms as Gabriel. In jeans, a leather jacket, and missing a shirt. Thankfully he does have boots and gloves since he's balancing on the railing in the kind of squatting pose made famous by Spider-Man. Letting go of the railing with his right hand he rubs the back of his head, "You know, that was really mean. The hitting was mean to me and the comments were just mean to pigeon's in general." Looking down behind him at ground level he adds, for Deadpool's benefit, "You dropped your chimichanga, by the way."
"Holy shit, sup Gabriel?" Deadpool says, throwing his hands into the air. "Man, if I'd known that was you, I woulda shot ya just for /thinking/ about pooping on me. I know you were," he admonishes the man, shaking a finger at him reproachfully. 
"So what brings you all the way up here, hot stuff?" he queries Mary Jane. "Did you pick my chimichanga up? I seem to have dropped it," he says, frowning.
There's a thud when MJ falls on her backside onto the fire escape, her eyes wide. "The heck?" Oh wow. And here she was, thinking Hollywood is strange as hell. Blinking, she turns to Deadpool, his odd outfit finally registering with her. "Huh...? Oh, no. It hit the sidewalk, sorry." Evidence is in the form of the ruined snack food and the horde of pigeons (are those Gabe's friends?) attacking it, and sometimes even each other, for the chance to get a free meal.
Gabriel gives Deadpool an innocent look that is just short of requiring some whistling to go along with it by law, "What!? No! I would never think about... OK, fine, yes. But points for not doing it, right? And no shooting me until I've turned into Gabe-pool or I die." Then he hops off the railing and offers MJ a hand to help her up, "Hello. I'm Gabriel and the red and black gentle... The red and black guys over there is Deadpool. And he looooooves chimichangas. Don't be surprised if the next thing he does is shoot all the pigeon's stealing his right now."
"HEY. Why I gotta be red and black guys?" I think that's a typo. Yes, but a funny one. Deadpool demands of Gabriel, tapping him brusquely on his leather shoulder. He stands akimbo, eyemask holes narrowed. "You racist. I for one, don't see race or gender, Miss Chang," he informs Gabriel. 
"And, I have /extra/ chimichangas," he declares. Indeed he does- an entire pile of them next to where he'd been sitting. "So bite me, golden boy."
MJ isn't even being addressed, now. Or at least she doesn't think she is. Is she? The byplay between the two guys has her confused and immediately regretting her choice on coming up here. Still sitting from where she fell on her backside earlier, she listens, nods, frowns, raises her eyebrows and does other things that makes her look like she's taking part in the conversation even though she really isn't. "So... uh, you two boyfriends or something?" Whooops.
Gabriel looks at Deadpool for a moment, trying to make sense of what he's so annoyed about then lets out a big "Ah! Your outfit Deadpool, red and black. It has nothing to do with racism." Before he turns his head to look at MJ, "And if by boyfriend you mean friends that are boy then yes. If you means that we..." At this point he make a circle with the finger of one hand and starts to move his opposite index finger in and out of the circle in a gestures that's really hard to misinterpret, "then eeeeewwwwww!"
Oh dear. Well, the powers of deus ex dorkina, or just being a hapless, slightly murderous sidekick brings Lunair about. She doesn't seem to have her armor about for the moment. Actually, she was apparently shopping. She remembered tacos, toilet paper, and a few other items. She looks almost sort of adorable in a Gothic Lolita sort of winter coat with a shoulder cape and a fuzzy hat.
Except that she has a neutrally blank expression and a distant stare. Eat your heart out random video game protagonists. She doesn't abuse ellipses like they owe her money at least. And she manages to pass by the fire escape when - is that a familiar voice? Lunair peeks around the corner. "Umm... Okay. Is this the start of a walked into a bar joke...? Because those are kinda painful." Ouch.
"Oh, don't be bashful, honey," Deadpool says, slapping Gabriel's ass cheerfully and squeezing it. "This golden boy's my delicious slice of hero pie." He winks at Gabriel, then offers MJ a hand to her feet. "Welcome to the temporary PoolCave! And lo, I see my apprentice! LUNAIR!" he cups his hands to his mouth and bellows loudly at the girl. "DID YOU BRING ME CHIMICHANGAS?!" he demands.
Poor MJ. Normally she's fairly unflappable but right now she is... well. She's fairly well flapped, truth be told. Helped to her feet, she looks at Gabe, just in time to catch his lewd gesture and then Lunair's sudden appearance. "I should... go." Ahem. She offers everyone a quick smile before darting back down and off the fire escape and then runs down the street. Maybe this all was a hallucination brought on by low blood sugar.... please, let it be that.
Gabriel jumps about five feet high when Deadpool smacks his butt and then he rolls his eyes at the costumed man, "Now see what you've done? You chased her away. And even if you hadn't she would have thought you were gay and you wouldn't have had a chance with her anyway. Right Lunair? Tell him." The last he says after leaning over the railing to look down at said woman, "Oooo! Nice look by the way. Very Lolita."
Oh my. Lunair's eyes widen a bit. "Huh. That's kind of cute in a strange way," She admits, pondering this. Thankfully, Lunair does not have a tumblr and thus the world is spared. "Hello! Good bye!" She waves to MJ. She seems fairly normal despite the odd garb and - problems emoting. "... she seemed kind of busy," Lunair considers. "And what? Oh. Did I unintentionally naughtyblock someone? ... sorry." She looks a bit baffled.
She looks up to Gabriel and smiles. "Thank you! How are you two? And oh geez. I got tacos. Am I behind again!? Are tacos okay? I can get chimichangas..." She calls back. She seems happy to see Deadpool, even if she screwed up!
"Awesome! C'mon up!" Deadpool kicks the ladder, making it ring, and then steps back from the landing and flops back down where he'd been sitting. "So what's up, GabeButt?" he asks the other man. "You up to anything fun and exciting, or just bored enough to come harass me?" he inquires of the shapeshifter.
Out of the blue a giant silver pillar appears over the edge of the building opposite the impromptu PoolCave, along with the distant sound of sirens. Gabriel is just opening his mouth to say, "Nah. I just saw yoIKES!" when the pillar comes crashing down and crushes the corner of the fireplace that was holding Deadpool's stash of spare chimichangas then narrowly missed sqwooshing Lunair. Attache to the pillar is a woman in silver armor, carrying a pair of bank bags over her shoulder and trailing another huge silver pillar behind her, Basically, the pillars are a /huge/ pair of high tech stilts.
"Okay!" Lunair will climb up the ladder, tacos, cargo and all. She's in good shape, at least. She squeaks as she nearly gets smashed coming up. She flops onto the ground nearby. At least her taco cargo and such are still safe, right? Her eyes widen. "Who is that?!" She asks. "And um, here's your tacos. I'll get chimichangas next time," Lunair promises. She looks startled, as the woman and her bank bags walk by. "... is the circus in town?" She seems genuinely confused.
"Is that Lady Stilts? Or whatever she's going by these days?" Deadpool asks, squinting up at the silvery woman. "Huh. I haven't seen her since that team up I did with Spider-man." Crossovers rule! He gets to his feet, then spots his demolished chimichangas. "My... my..." He falls to his knees. 
"MY CHIMICHNGAAAAAAS!"
Gabriel topples over the railing of the fire escape as a quarter of it is crushed by the telescoping stilt. He does an awesome flip in the air and straightens out in a 'ta-da!' sort of pose. Too bad he does this just in time to land flat on his back. The breath gets knocked out of him in one loud "OOF!" and he's only saved from a cracked head because it lands on Lunair's shopping bag and demolishes the tacos. His eyes track the armored woman as she takes another huge step over the threesome, too intent on watching behind her to see if the cops are still following to notice the people below her, but he can't say anything about it since he's just laying there mouth gasping like a fish out of water as he tries to get his breath back.
"... really?" Lunair looks sad as Gabriel lands on the tacos. "I mean, the flip was cool but ... Poor Deadpool." Lunair had done her best. Alas. Sigh. "I'm glad you're both okay, at least," She remarks. Really, she does seem glad Gabriel didn't get squished or hurt. She likes the shapeshifter well enough. "Are you okay?" She stands and offers a hand to Gabriel. "Lady Stilts? There's a dude stilts too?" Lunair boggles. "That - seems really impractical."
"SonuvaBITCH! STILTS, GET BACK HERE!" Deadpool shouts. He grabs his teleporter and vanishes in a twinkling burst of light, and a moment later, there's a shriek and the stilts crash back towards the fire escape. Deadpool is standing on Stilts' hips and holding her armored breastplate with both hands. "You ruined my 3'oclock meal! Those were from Juan's on 36th street? Do you have ANY idea how hard it is for me to tell Arsenal to head over there and pick them up?!" he demands rhetorically, screaming in the woman's face the whole time.
For a moment Lady Stilt-Man (OOC: Yes, that's her official name) windmills her arms, long red hair whipping around both her face and Deadpool's as she falls back the way they came. Then the auto-gyro's in her suit kick in straightening the pair back up, 100 feet in the air while Lady screams right back at Deadpool, "That's Lady Stilt=Man! And no one can stop Lady Stilt-Man!" As if to prove her point she aims a fist at Deadpool's face and a second later her fist shoots out, telescoping the same way her legs do, ripping Deadpool off the front of her armor. The silicone coating on the armor proper helps too. Slippery.
Meanwhile, at ground level, Gabriel gasps a few times then groans, "'M sorry... Did'n mean to crush *gasp* tacos. Stop crazy *gasp* stilt..." And he has to stop because what he hears is just too unbelievable. After a few moments of shock he asks Lunair, "Really? Lady Stilt-Man? Did she really just use that name? Twice??"
What. Lunair boggles. "... no, don't be sorry! Not your fault! Are you hurt? Do you need a hand up?" Lunair looks worried for Gabriel. And then suddenly Lady Stilt-Man is all up in Deadpool's grill. Lunair looks positively confused. "Well, I can get more. Just this time it'll be easier to tell me," She offers to Deadpool. "Also, why Lady Stilt-Man? Like... just be Lady Stilts. Be free of the patria-- wait." Lunair just resumes being baffled.
"Hey! Stop smacking my boss!" Lunair straightens, abandoning the shopping stuff. Now, to choose the perfect weapon...
"waaaugh!" Deadpool flies off and lands smack dab in the middle of an alley, five feet from a dumpster. It's an incredibly anti-climactic landing and hurts so bad it makes a person wince just to see it happen. 
"Hurrkay. uu win dif roun," Deadpool slurs around a broken jaw, trying to make his one unbroken arm flip Lady Stilts-man the bird.
Stilt's forgets that she was running away from the police and starts chasing after Deadpool, "I win all the rounds! I am Lady Stilt-Man and no one can stop me!" An elephant sized stilt-foot comes crashing down towards Gabriel and Lunair. Gabe manages to roll into a crouch and launch himself at Lunair, knocking both of them out of the path of the angry woman.
Rolling off Lunair and onto his back, still working at recovering from his initial fall, Gabriel yells out, "Really!? Again!? You're giving evil super-villains everywhere a bad name with that... bad name!"
Then he starts patting his pockets, muttering to himself, "bookbookbookwhere'sthedamnedbook!?"
All the rounds!? "Seriously, this is like the dorkiest gimmick ever," Lunair comments shortly before Gabriel launches himself at her and she falls onto her back. She grunts and stares up at the Gabriel. "Your book? Did you drop it?" She takes a moment to prop herself back up. She takes a deep breath. "Thank you!" Now, time to deal with Stilts McGee. And Deadpool is all kinds of busted up at the moment.
Alright. She's gonna need a weapon to deal with this lady. That steel being cut could only end all kinds of badly. But ... there is one thing... DUBSTEP GUN! Wait, no, that might make it worse. But then... Deadpool could punch her while she dances!
"DO NOT USE THE DUBSTEP GUN!" Deadpool shouts at Lunair. "THAT WOULD BE A BAD THING. EVEN BY OUR STANDARDS." He starts crawling forward, reassembling his bits as he goes, bone and muscle crunching as his body heals itself. "I'ma be there in a minute! Just looking for my spleen!"
Gabriel finally finds what he's looking for while he's telling Lunair, "No, no. Its just a book of pictures. Aha!" Pulling out what looks like a small photo album he starts flipping through it desperately.
A loud crash punctuates Lady Stilt-Man's newest attempt to kill Deadpool. Stamping down her 'foot' she barely misses Deadpool. Well, she actually doesn't miss, but since her foot partially lands on the Dumpster Deadpool fell next to, it crushes the hefty trash can so that a Deadpool ends up in a triangular slot formed by the street, the Dumpster, and the bottom of the stilt. "Die! Why won't you die!?"
Meanwhile, sirens are getting closer, especially since Stilt Lady isn't hard to see at a distance since she's silver, glinty, and towering over most of the nearby buildings, making it easy for the cops to find her. And the news vans...
Think. Okay, no Dubstep gun. "..." Think Lunair, think. Oh! Rocket launcher to the knees! Lunair will do just that so she's in punching range, oh yes. "Right, time to take an arrow to the knee. Or a rocket. Whatever." If her aim is true, there shouldn't be much damage to the area around them. It might slow Lady Stilt-Man (seriously?) down or hobble her.
"Stop stomping my mentor!" Lunair shouts, annoyed. "And okay!" She nods at Gabriel. She doesn't think it odd at all.
"HOLY HELL SHE'S GOT BIG FEET AND SHE IS TRYING TO CRUSH ME," Deadpool says, screaming in a high, terrified pitch designed to intimidate Lady Stilts-man. This is just our battle cry! We aren't crying like a little girl! Deadpool whips a gun up and fires a few rounds at Stilters, trying to hit a weak point in her armor (almost a hundred feet away). "Lunair! Fire up a plasma cannon or something! She's gotta be Armor 5!"
*spang spang spang* Lady Stilt-Man tosses her head back and laughs at Deadpool as his bullets bounce off her armor, "I told you little man! No one can stop Lady Stilt-Man!" And now there's TV vans and police cars screeching to a stop in front of the alley's opening. Some of the reporters even have camera men hanging out the windows taking footage already. Lunair's rocket flashes by Lady Stilt-Man's stilts, narrowly missing both of them as the armored woman dodge the rocket at the last second. "You're next little girl! NO ONE STOPS LADY STILT-MAN!"
Thankfully all the cameras are trained on DP and Lady Stilts so that they all miss it when Gabriel stops at a picture of Iceman, mid-slide on a floating path of ice and shooting ice from his hands at some random bad guy. Gabriel focuses on it for a few seconds, does his whole amoeba bit and then stands up all icy, blue, and see-through. "Now we're talkin'!" Aiming his hands at Stilts' foot-pad he shoots out streams of ice mist that turn into large patches of ice right under Lady Stilt-Man's foot-pad. "Lunair! Hit her high!"
Oh, and Gabriel visibly winces when Lady Stilt-Man uses her name, again, in front of TV cameras...
Plasma cannon. Duly noted! "Okay!" And poor Deadpool! Lunair looks unhappy as poor Deadpool is getting stomped at. She aims high, as per request. She totally does have at least Armor 5, after all. Although she pauses. "Then again, it's not really like she can hide so much...?" Why does she keep using her name? Why stilts? Whatever, time to blast a lady with the plasma gun before she does manage to stomp Deadpool into bits.
Deadpool rapidly switches magazines, putting black-tipped bullets into the pistol. Jaw set, he rolls onto his back and starts shooting at Lady Stiltsface, but with armor-piercing ammunition this time. 
"Oh my god, I've turned into that asswipe Frank," Deadpool says. He smacks himself on the face with the gun and grabs a double handful of C4 and pastes it onto the leg stilt, then waits for the woman to stumble off before detonating the explosive device. "Git him, Team Deadpool!"
*ZAP* *PING PING PING* "Tiiiiiiiiiiimbeeeeeeeer!" Ice-Gabriel yells out while he runs up the half crushed fire escape's ladders. The whole ice slidey, almost flying thing being a little too advanced for him right now. As he reaches the third landing Lady Stilt-Man's auto-gyros finally give out as one of the stilts blows up thanks to Deadpool's C-4 and she topples all the way down, yelling, "No! NOOOOO! No one can stop Lady Stilt-Man! NO ONE!" then makes a liar of herself by crushing a Fox Network news van.
Ice-Gabriel shoots more ice out at her from his translucent hands, encasing both her arms in ice and effectively gluing them down to the roadway, "STOP USING THAT STUPID NAME! FOR THAT ALONE YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL!"
Policemen rush the armor as the woman inside it keeps raving, even while her suit leaks a variety of different oils from the holes made by the plasma cannon and the armor piercing bullets.
Not rocket launcher, since it apparently was too easy to dodge. But it's good to see the plasma bothered her. "Although, she did totally crush a Fox News Van," Lunair muses. But Lunair looks relieved that Deadpool is not going to get stomped. "And Frank?" She looks puzzled. Nevertheless, Lunair makes sure the other leg isn't going to be used to get back up. And does her best to get back into cover or out of the way as police start pouring out. "Right, I'm - going to go get Deadpool his chimichangas. Do either of you want to ride with? Because I don't think I can risk staying for an interview..."
Deadpool rushes Lady Stilt-man and grabs a pry bar on the way. He starts laying into her with the improvised weapon, bludgeoning her helmet until the visor cracks and heavy dents start to form. "YOU. RUINED. MY. CHIMICHANGAS." 
And then he draws that AP pistol and fires the remainder of the magazine into her face, blood exploding upwards and spattering his scarlet and black uniform. He turns and walks away, all bad-ass, and then for some reason she explodes behind him, making for kind of a bad-ass, Right Stuff shot. Y'know, explosions make /everything/ cooler. 
Gabriel, as Iceman, was in the process of waving at the news cameras from his perch on the fire escape when Deadpool goes all Quentin Tarantino movie on Lady Stilt-Man. "But she was DOWN!" is his slightly horrified yell. And then the explosion happens. Thankfully, none of the cops were close enough to die from it, even thought more than a few of them fly back and hits cars, buildings, etc. with crunches that, if they could be heard over the explosion, would clearly indicate broken bones.
Using the explosion and the resulting mayhem as cover Ice-Gabriel melts back into regular Gabriel and races down the fire escape. Giving Lunair a slightly sick smile he says, "Yeah, chimichanga run sounds about right. Even better if its before those cops recover from the blow. Coming, DP?"
Lunair is - wincing as Lady Stilt-Man gets splattered. And then she explodes. "Huh, she must've been an extra in a Michael Bay film," Lunair considers. Yes, that's totally it. Then poor Gabriel. She winces as the cops go flying. She smiles to Gabriel. She's alarmingly used to this. Maybe that's part of her odd mannerisms. She's lost part of something or another. "Sure. And yeah, did you want to come along, boss?" She asks Deadpool. "Since she kinda smashed yours up." Lunair is content to blame taco smashing on the ex-Lady Stilt-Man, too.
"Hell yeah, I'm down for chimis," Deadpool declares, walking up towards the duo. "We should definitely not be here when the cops hit this cordone." He starts jogging and ushering Gabriel and Lunair along, looking over his shoulder. "Man, near-death always works up an appetite. I could eat a dozen. I /will/ eat a dozen," he declares proudly, following the two of them along. And by following, we mean he's dragging them at a near-run as the cops close in.
Category:Log