DAN!!!!!

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DAN!!!!! is the fifth episode of Season One of The World of SBFW.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens with an outside shot of McDonald's. Cut to the interior where the camera pans over to CrazySponge, Jasbre and Matchy arguing.]
CrazySponge: like I said before, hoopla's fantastic beach is a prime example of quality television y'all are sleeping on!
Jasbre: Aidan, Hoopla's Fantastic Beach is like watching a migraine.
Matchy: [rolls eyes] Like your shows are any better.
Jasbre: What do you mean? I have loads of great spin-offs!
Matchy: Like that anti-CrazySponge propaganda you call Thursday Spin-Off?
Jasbre: That's not propaganda, you nincompoop! It's… art.
Matchy: Pffft, yeah right. That new episode you put out was kinda meh in my opinion.
Jasbre: Did I ask for your opinion?
Matchy: Why is it called Thursday Spin-Off anyway?
CrazySponge: because it releases on thursdays?
[Dan enters]
Dan: Whoo, I can't remember a time when I jacked off for longer than that. Must be a new world record, let me tell ya.
Jasbre: Hey Dan.
Dan: Hi, Steve.
Jasbre: It's, uh, Jonas.
Dan: Whatever.
[Dan sits with them]
Dan: What you talking about?
CrazySponge: according to some match guy over here, our spin-offs suck.
Dan: Well, he's not wrong.
Jasbre: What do you mean?
Dan: Well, uh, all I meant was… [he starts sweating] it's fanfiction, right? All fanfiction sucks.
Matchy: True.
Dan: Phew.
Matchy: Although there are some hidden gems. I'm personally liking The World of SBFW so far.
[Matchy turns to the audience]
Matchy: Please keep reading our show.
Dan: I've never heard of it.
Matchy: You know, it would be cool if someone actually did make something good. Something really good, I mean. Like the perfect episode.
[A lightbulb shaped like a dick appears over Dan's head]
Dan: The perfect episode, you say?
Matchy: Uhh… yeah. Why?
Dan: I have an idea bigger than- no it's not. It's almost as big but not quite as big. But it's big anyway.
CrazySponge: o.
[A waiter approaches the table with their food.]
Waiter: Table seven?
Jasbre: That's us.
[They put the tray on the table. CrazySponge rummages through his bag of food.]
CrazySponge: uhhh i asked for a toy with this
Waiter: Oh, sorry, I'll just-
CrazySponge: listen bub, i'm a busy man and i don't have time for this. when i order a toy, i order a toy.
Waiter: I said I'm sorr-
CrazySponge: i don't give a shit. you know what? [slams his fist on the table] YOU'RE FIRED!!!
[The waiter runs out in tears.]
Jasbre: What the hell just happened?
CrazySponge: [smug] bought mcdonalds this morning, pretty sweet huh?
[pause]
Jasbre: You bought McDonald's?
CrazySponge: yeah
Matchy: Next thing you know he's gonna buy a fucking giraffe…
CrazySponge: actually i was thinking more along the lines of a hippo but thanks for the suggestion
[theme song]
Look at that sun, look at that sky,
Look at my sweater vest, it looks so fly!
Look at that mailbox, look at that tree,
It's about as beautiful as it can be!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Today is gonna be exceptional!
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
(We're all living in it)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
[Cut to Dan writing on his laptop at a coffee shop.]
Dan: Hmmm… if I'm gonna write the perfect episode, it has to be good. It has to be absolutely hysterical. What sort of stuff do people around here find funny?
[Matchy and Polar enter]
Polar: Aw, Matchy! Stop fapping in class!
Matchy: [annoyed] You know that's not-
[The entire shop bursts out into fits of laughter]
Matchy: It's not funny! The joke's like… years old by this point! How the hell can you-
[The customers keep laughing]
Matchy: Fuck it! I'm leaving!
[Matchy storms out]
Polar: Hey, look! She's going back to school for more!
[More laughter is heard. Dan grins. Cut to him typing away in his office.]
Dan: Yes, yes, yes! It's all coming together! The perfect episode! It's so good I could just-
[Dan slips his hand down his pants when the doorbell rings]
Dan: Uh, uh… go away, I'm busy!
Primitive: It's the mailman! I have your, uh, "entertainment magazines"...
Dan: Leave them outside, I'm kinda in the middle of-
[Primitive enters and the two just stare at each other for a few seconds.]
Dan: Uh… I can explain.
[Primitive slowly backs out. Cut to Vanessa walking down the street. Pluto approaches her.]
Pluto: Hi Vanessa.
Vanessa: Uh, hi Pluto?
Pluto: Do you really think a thirteen year-old has bigger boobs than you?
Vanessa: [going red] What the fuck?
Pluto: That's what I thought you would say…
Vanessa: Of course I don't! Where the hell did-
Pluto: Oh, it was in the new Life in Bikini Bottom, written by Dan. You should really check it out, I liked it.
[cut to Vanessa puking as the credits of the newest Life in Bikini Bottom roll]
Vanessa: Oh God… I feel horrib- [pukes again]
[Cut to Jasbre in his office. Bugs approaches him.]
Bugs Bunny: Uh, what's up boss?
Jasbre: What do you want?
Bugs Bunny: It's just that we've been getting a lot of complaints recently about Current.
Jasbre: Current? What about Current? Current's perfect! Far superior than that copycat Cut-Out anyhow!
Bugs Bunny: Well, uh, you see, it's actually about the new Life in Bikini Bottom episode.
Jasbre: (chuckles) Oh, it's fine. I'm sure it's not that-
[cut to Jasbre just staring at the screen in shock as the credits of the episode roll]
Jasbre: What the fuck did I just watch?
Bugs Bunny: Well, uh-
Jasbre: Okay, I see now what they are saying. And, uh… [Jasbre begins walking out of the room] I think it's time I see my therapist and reconsider my life choices.
[Cut to Spectromite Entertainment's building. Dan is leaning back on his office chair]
Dan: Now THAT was an incredible orgasm.
[The phone starts ringing. Dan picks it up]
Dan: Greetings, this is Dan. The biggest social reject with the biggest dick in SBFW. What can I do for ya?
Jasbre: Yes, uh… Current has been receiving complaints about an episode you wrote.
Dan: WHAT? How many?
Jasbre: Ten.
Dan: Pfft, that's not a lot!
Jasbre: How many people do you think live in this town?
Dan: [counts on his fingers] Huh, I guess that is a lot of people.
Jasbre: Yeah, we might have to remove it off our streaming service, I'm sorry.
Dan: But- but- but why? I made the perfect episode!
Jasbre: More like the perfect condom commercial...
Dan: Come on!
Jasbre: Dude, there were like five separate sex scenes in the spaces of twenty two minutes.
Dan: So?
Jasbre: I'm pretty sure there's not one line in the episode that didn't break FANDOM's terms of use! You could get globalled! Heck, I could get globalled!
Dan: It's not like they'll find out! I've got away with tons of other stuff before!
Jasbre: Someone could report you!
Dan: Pfft, yeah right! That sort of thing could put the whole world of SBFW in danger! Who the hell would be stupid enough to do that?
[Cut to Golfpecks at a payphone]
Golfpecks: Yeah, I'd like to report someone.
[The camera pans over to Dan watching him through his window.]
Dan: That damn banana…
Jasbre: What did you say?
Dan: Uh… nothing?! Look, Steve-
Jasbre: [annoyed] Jonas!
Dan: I'm sure everything will be fine-
Jasbre: But-
Dan: Okay, nice talk. Bye now!
Jasbre: Da-
[Dan hangs up]
Dan: Phew.
[cut to EB in his room]
EB: Hey guys it's EB the Original Master here and welcome back to another rant on Veggie-
[footsteps are heard outside]
EB: What the?
[EB looks out the window to see several important-looking people marching through town in black suits.]
EB: I bet this is those stupid admins' fault!
[We see several people run away from the guys in fear, and others hiding indoors. Cut to Jasbre looking out of his window at them.]
Jasbre: DAN!!!!!!!!
[Cut back to Dan. A knock is heard at his door.]
Dan: Hm, I wonder who that could be.
[Dan goes over to open the door. Two men are there.]
Man: Hello. We've come to enlighten-
[Dan slams the door shut. Another knock is heard.]
Dan: Ugh, what the fuck do you-
[He opens it again to find multiple FANDOM admins standing there.]
FANDOM Admin: Are you DanzxvFan8275?
Dan: [sighs] Shit-
[He gets slapped by one of the admins]
FANDOM Admin: WATCH YOUR LANGWANG!
Dan: I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
FANDOM Admin: Good to hear. We have received a complaint from a piece of fanfiction you wrote.
Dan: [under his breath] That damn banana…
[He gets slapped again]
FANDOM Admin: WHAT DID I SAY?
Dan: But I only said-
FANDOM Admin: Here at FANDOM we do not tolerate profanity or offensive language of any kind. Anyway, the piece of fanfiction in particular is from a fictional [smirks] SpongeBob SquarePants spin-off named Life in Bikini Bottom. Particularly an episode you dubbed Elli Versus Vanessa-
[Primitive manifests]
Primitive: Actually that episode was from Total Drama SBFW-
[He gets shot]
Dan: See, if I shot him then-
FANDOM Admin: Back to the point, do you have anything to say for yourself?
Dan: [sighs] Yeah, I know, I don't have a life. You really don't need to rub it-
[Dan gets slapped again]
FANDOM Admin: Did you just disrespect me?
Dan: Perhaps.
[The admins look at each other]
FANDOM Admin: Mr. zxvFan8275, or may I just call you Dan? You are in serious breach of the terms of use here.
Dan: But I don't understand! I haven't done anything wrong!
FANDOM Admin: In your episode, you have used profanity, sexual scenes, bigotry, [the rest of the list has been bleeped out due to being too inappropriate], etcetera. I'm afraid you could get blocked, or even globalled for this.
Dan: But I'm the sexiest bureaucrat in all of SBFW!
FANDOM Admin: Well, I'll give you credit there…
Dan: You can't block me!
FANDOM Admin: I suggest you delete all traces of the episode or face the consequences.
Dan: But- but- [sighs] Very well…
FANDOM Admin: Thank you, Mr. Dan. Consider this a warning.
[cut to Dan and Jasbre at a pub. Dan is clearly drunk.]
Dan: -and so I told them to go fuck themselves, I did. I put them right in their place. It's my episode, and it ain't going nowhere!
Jasbre: So… what you're trying to say is that you didn't take it down?
Dan: Nah, they were all talking a load of shit anyway. Scare tactics and-
[pause]
Jasbre: And what?
Dan: Oh god, here it-
[Dan falls off his stool backwards. The waitress hurries over as everyone's eyes fix on him.]
Waitress: Oh, that's got to hurt…
Dan: Clamety… eight. [passes out]
[pause]
Jasbre: I'm, uh…. not with him.
[Jasbre walks out. Cut to several FANDOM admins watching live surveillance footage of the pub.]
FANDOM Admin: Oh, he is one tough cookie.
FANDOM Admin 2: For a social reject.
[They laugh way too hard at this]
FANDOM Admin: Okay, we're gonna have to do this the hard way. But first it's time to make some more Screen Junkies!
FANDOM Admin 2: Didn't the creator of that sex-
[they get slapped]
FANDOM Admin: GET TO WORK!
[Cut to Spectromite Entertainment's building]
Dan: Why should I listen to those stupid admins? I don't have to do anything I don't wanna do. I am Dan! I don't comply with the TOU! Fuck the TOU!
[He gets an email]
Dan: Ooh! That must be that onlyfans!
[He reads it]
Dan: "Dear DanzxvFan8275, you have failed to comply with the Terms of Use and we are-" THEY'VE DELETED THE EPISODE?!! They can't do that! This is fascism! Grrr… SPONGECOCK!
[SpongeCock enters]
SpongeCock: Yes, bitch?
Dan: Put that new LIBB episode back into syndication!
SpongeCock: But didn't FANDOM delete that?
Dan: Your point being?
SpongeCock: [laughs] I like where you're going with this.
[Cut to SBFW Street. Primitive and Garviel are taking a walk]
Primitive: It must be hard handling all that fame.
Garviel: I manage.
Primitive: Say, could you teach me to be funny?
Garviel: Just make the same lasaga joke over and over like you always do. Gets 'em every time.
Primitive: Sounds good.
[They bump into CrazySponge]
Primitive: Heinz? Whatcha doin'?
CrazySponge: taking my pet for a walk
[The camera pans over to reveal John.]
Primitive: What the hell is that abomination?
CrazySponge: hey! don't talk to John. like that! he's very sensitive…
Garviel: [deadpan] You have a pink giraffe named John.?
CrazySponge: i know! isn't it great? matchy suggested it. i'm making good business decisions.
Primitive: Uh huh.
CrazySponge: say, speaking of business, wanna buy a John. plush?
Primitive: Why would I want that when I have a Garviel plush?
CrazySponge: who wants garviel? recent business charts have shown that John. has become more popular while garviel is sinking down
[He pulls out a graph. John. has suddenly shot up to the top, while Garviel has slowly sunk down. Temmie is just casually hanging out at the bottom.]
Primitive: I see…
Garviel: I call rigs! There is no way that that pink llama is more funny than me!
CrazySponge: oh yeah? [He holds up a picture of John. and multiple people burst out in laughter]
Garviel: Oh, come on! How are you people finding that funny!
Pluto: Yeah! What's so good about John. anyway? What about… Jake?!
[The camera pans over to a dog wearing a blue giraffe outfit. Everyone on the street just blankly stares at them.]
Primitive: That's a dog.
Pluto: Well the guy who sold it to me said it was…
[he looks at him]
Pluto: Dagnabbit! Come on, "Jake".
[They storm off]
Garviel: A picture of a giraffe isn't as funny as- [he takes out three anvils and juggles them] -this!
[silence]
Garviel: How about on a unicycle? On a tightrope? With an elephant on my shoulders?
CrazySponge: John.
[The people laugh again]
CrazySponge: i'm sorry prim but garviel isn't funny anymore. you're gonna have to put him to sleep.
Lock: Oh, ho! Shit's about to go down!
Garviel: Great! I love sleep!
CrazySponge: [sarcastically] really?! me too!!
Primitive: Are you… [angry] mocking Garviel?
CrazySponge: who's garviel? all i see is a furry lasagna with legs.
Primitive: THAT'S IT!
[Primitive punches CrazySponge, knocking him to the floor. The onlookers gasp.]
Lock: oh god oh fuck
Primitive: [staring at his fist] Oh no… what have I done?
[A FANDOM Admin appears behind him.]
FANDOM Admin: ...you've broken the terms of use.
[pause]
Primitive: Actually, that was a rhetorical-
[He gets slapped. CrazySponge gets back up]
CrazySponge: the fuck did you do to me?
Primitive: I- uh…
[he pulls out an accordion from behind his back and starts playing]
Primitive: 🎶CG Man, fire me in spurts aw yeah it's gonna hur-🎶
[The admin smashes the accordion on the floor.]
Primitive: Hey! That was a family heirloom!
FANDOM Admin: And I'm FANDOM, bitch.
[silence]
Primitive: You just swo-
[The admin covers Primitive's mouth]
FANDOM Admin: What have I told you about- Wait a second… is that…
Primitive: Is what what?
[He gets slapped]
FANDOM Admin: Shush! I hear something nasty. Hmm… yep. It's the sound of Phillydan25…
Primitive: Aw man! He's not jacking off again, is he?
FANDOM Admin: I oughta global you for that degeneracy.
Primitive: I- I mean… [He takes out a spare accordion] 🎶If ya know the words. CG-🎶
CrazySponge: prim, i don't think you're helpin-
[The admin shoots Primitive]
Primitive: Seriously? Agai- [He fucking dies]
CrazySponge: [smirks] this is relatable television… and i guess we know who's better now!
[The admin shoots CrazySponge]
CrazySponge: fuck karma [He fucking dies]
Garviel: I, uh… I'll just be going, shall I?
[Garviel runs off. John. makes giraffe noises]
Subtitles: Good riddance.
FANDOM Admin: Anyway, now that those two buffoons are dead, time to global Dan.
Lock: Wait, so CrazySponge and Prim get outright murdered on the spot just for back chatting, and Dan who is a valued citizen only gets-
[Lock gets shot and fucking dies too.]
FANDOM Admin: Anyone else wanna say anything?
[pause]
FANDOM Admin: Good. Now, where were we?
[Cut to Spectromite Entertainment's building]
Jingle: Spectromite Evil Incorporated, I feel like this joke is really overused even though I never see it!!!
Dan: AW YEAH THAT'S SOME GOOD LESBIAN BDS-
[The FANDOM Admin bursts through the door]
Dan: AAH! Knock on the door next time, will ya?
FANDOM Admin: I'm FANDOM. I don't need to knock. By the way, I see you are a man of culture as well.
Dan: Oh, you don't find it weird that I'm watching-
FANDOM Admin: Of course I find it weird, you social reject! I was trying to weaken your guard! I told you to remove the episode and you didn't listen! I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Dan: That's what I said to my girlfriend right before- you know what, do whatever you want to me. Look at me, I'm shaking. It won't stop me slagging you off on Twitter to my seven followers…
FANDOM Admin: Eh. Whatever you say. [He takes out a ban hammer] Hasta la vista!
Dan: Wait! No!
FANDOM Admin: Wait, yes!
Dan: You don't wanna do this!
FANDOM Admin: I do wanna do this!
Dan: You don't wanna!
FANDOM Admin: I do wanna!
Dan: You don't wanna!
FANDOM Admin: I do wanna!
Dan: You don't wanna!
FANDOM Admin: I do wanna!
[Half an hour later…]
Dan: You don't wanna!
FANDOM Admin: I do wanna!
Dan: You don't wanna!
FANDOM Admin: I do wanna!
Dan: Hm… You do wanna.
FANDOM Admin: I don't wanna.
Dan: You do wanna!
FANDOM Admin: I don't wanna!
Dan: YOU DO WANNA!
FANDOM Admin: Listen here you little shit, I'm FANDOM. I can do anything I please. I could shut down your entire fucking wiki if I wanted to and if I say I don't wanna, then I don't wanna! [He drops the ban hammer and sulks]
[Dan picks up the ban hammer]
Dan: Checkmate. [turns to the audience] Should I give it to him, boys and girls?
[He bans the admin]
FANDOM: FOUL! FOUL! NO FAIR! FOUL!
Dan: Fair is foul and foul is fair.
[The admin disintegrates Infinity War style]
Dan: Huh. That actually worked. My criminal record is probably longer than Obama's. Now I know how CrazySponge and SpongeBot felt when they blatantly sabotaged Meme World and got away with it.
[He looks down at the hammer and grins. Fast forward a number of years to SpongeBot in his house reading a story to his child.]
SpongeBot: -and that's the story of how the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki became a fascist dictatorship.
SpongeBot Jr.: Was it not a dictatorship to begin wi-
SpongeBot: Shut up and go back to watching your Canadian Backyardigans dvd!
SpongeBot Jr.: But that one has the funny voices!
[Primitive breaks in through the window]
Primitive: HEY! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT-
SpongeBot: CUT TO CREDITS! CUT TO CREDITS!
[The "Fuck Off" Song begins playing]
Pluto: Hey! This is my song! This is copyright infringem-
Primitive: SHUT UP AND DO THE FUCK OFF DANCE!
Fuck Off!
Fuck Off!
Fuck Off, Fuck Off. Fuckity Off
Now we got to the end, it's over my friend!
Fuck Off, Fuck Off. Nothing's solved!
Fuck Off, Fuck Off. Fuckity Off.
Pluto: I can sue you for using my song!
Primitive: This is fanfiction-
Pluto: Does it look like I care? I'm suing, bitch!
Primitive: Not if I have anything to say about it!
[He presses a button on a controller and a house falls on Pluto]
CrazySponge: oh god oh fuck
Polar: What a fuck off day!
Fuck Off, Fuck Off. Fuckity Off
It's a brand new day, whatcha waitin' for?
Get up, stretch out, stomp on the floor!
Fuck Off, Fuck Off. Fuckity Off.
Fuck Off, Fuck Off. Fuckity Off
We're splittin' the scene, we're full of shit!
So long for now from PolarTem!
Polar: That's… me?
And The World of… SBFW!
Polar: Thanks for tuning in to this shit. I guess.
Aaron: I like They Might Be Giants.
[Circle ending, end]
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