S05E03: Don't you want to report the OTHER crime?

Kanye is outraged by a villian’s lack of respect. Nissa gets really into erotic sketching. Averlyth forgot she knows how to teleport.
Carlos and Kanye confront Taldic, but it doesn’t go well. In the ensuing brawl, he escapes, revealing a tattoo of a white horse head. Meanwhile, Averlyth, Nissa, and Um sneak into the second warehouse, and recover proof that Taldic is behind the poisonings. The gang prepares to roll up on the fort.
== Background: ==
* We received our first assignment from the Queen Dragon, to investigate a series of deliberate poisonings in the water.
* Um had been looking into it previously, so he filled the group in about what he’s found so far, and then the group went upstream to find the source of the poison. Group steals some cures from the warehouse, go to the town that’s the source, then Carlos and Kanye get a job that goes back to the warehouse, Kanye then knocks himself out running into a building (claiming he saw puppies).
* The party decides to split - Carlos and Kanye goes back to town to confront the TL (the person in the note), and the rest of the group are going to stay on the hill for combat if necessary.
== Session: ==
Group finalizing strategy
* Deciding to talk to Talldic as if we had poured the poison in
* Contacting group 2 with fartie talkies
In the field office, there is:
* A director that we report to
* A medic
* Head of magic
* Quartermaster
* Resources that could be provided
* Logistical assistance (i.e. distrubtion of medicine)
* Military assistance (minimal)
Um: That’s what I’m worried about, we’re sending away the people that are good at breaking into forts...Um: Can we set ground rules not to burn down the fort?Averlyth: Kanye…..Kanye: Kanye promises not to burn down the fort....DM: Sir, there’s a drunk bard at the door?
== Group planning ==
* Kanye and Carlos will go to the town and confront the guy that wants to meet them for pouring the poison into the river
* Nissa will drink
* She starts doing character sketches of all the guards
* She ends up seeing hot guys working out and starts drawing hotter sketches
* Averlyth memorizes the guard rotation
* The group realizes no one knows what Talldic actually looks like
* Um describes it based off of the portraits
* Apparently he looks like a tall dick with a weasley mustache
DM: I mean, you guys don’t know what he looks like because this is a second-hand description from a painting?
* Kanye and Carlos will go down to the river to hang out to see if anyone is watching
* At midnight they’re going to dump Carlos’s pee into the river
* Apparently he had asparagus
* Nothing remarkable happens during the day - they don’t see anyone observing them
* Kanye and Carlos loudly pour “The Poison” into the river (or rather, Woodhouse does it for them) and then they saunter over to the High Life Wine & Dispensary.
* Carlos shouts “I need some tall dick”
* Turns out Talldic has bouncers, who escort Kanye and Carlos over to his booth
* Kanye tests the table - it is bolted to the floor
* Talldic narrows his eyes at the two of them: “How did you know that name?”
* Kanye: “The alchemist at the warehouse told us the name”
* Note: The alchemist did not. But Kanye did not actually know that.
* Talldic squints, but waves it off and then asks about the job.
* Carlos goes: “What job? You mean your ingenious plan?”
* Kanye goes: “We don’t know anything! We poured the, uh, vial thing.”
* Talldic tells the bouncers to get rid of “these two assholes”.
* The bouncer tries to lift Kanye out of the bench, but he keeps himself seated with his legs, rattling it a bit. The bartender starts looking over at the noise; the drunk girls haven’t noticed, a guy with a joint starts heading out.
* Kanye: “Hey man, we were going to get paid.”
* Carlos: “Hey actually we know what’s up with your scheme and we want more lofty positions within your organization”.
* Talldic isn’t actually listening and has been angrily asking the bouncers why they haven’t been escorted out yet.
* A bouncer goes for Kanye’s face.
* Carlos turns to Kanye and gives the codeword, “Queens” - which means to just get the fuck out
* Kanye decides to attempt to flip the table [while taking the punch]
* First attempt fails
* Second attempt flips a plate of chicken and hits a drunk girl
* The girl that got hit is crying because her makeup and hair took a long time
* Her sassy friend walks over going what the fuck is wrong with you
* Carlos heads on out with a “We’ll be in touch”
* The sassy drunk girl goes to the door but doesn’t follow the two outside
* Kanye attempts to flirt
* The sassy drunk girl angrily follows Kanye outside and continues yelling
* Carlos carves a pipe out of a pear that kind of looks like a teddy bear and she calms the fuck down and accepts the peace offering
Carlos: I’m stealthy, I don’t know if you’re stealthyKanye: I’m stealthy if I stay very still...
Kanye: I’m going to do my best impression of Um and climb on top of something and watch.Also Kanye: I don’t know much about being sneaky but I know a really sneaky guy and this is what he would do.
* The group decides we’ve identified enough evidence to arrest the guy
* The group contemplates if this is the first time that Kanye’s degree of pedigree will be of use
Kanye: It’s time to invoke some privilege, Woodhouse!Carlos: Typical rich kid.Kanye: I’m here to report a crime! I am Kanye from the house of Cantaliber and I just had a table thrown on me!Deputy: Oh yes, at the low life? It happens all the time.Kanye: Right! So we need to send people to arrest the man that assaulted me.Carlos: Don’t you want to report the other crime?
* The deputy is weirded the fuck out by Kanye but doesn’t disbelieve him exactly, so he decides to go wake up the Sheriff, Sheriff Deputy. Not to be confused with his assistant, Deputy Sheriff.
* Kanye immediately proclaims he is part of a secret group.
* Kanye has failed many rolls but is too noble to be arrested despite his drunkenness.
* Deputy and Sheriff escort Kanye to the Low Life bar, and then Kanye interrupts saying it’s the wrong bar, and then calls out for Carlos, who was across the street from the High Life anyways.
* Carlos explains about the infiltration to investigate the poisoning, using all his big words and saying “Officer” a lot.
* The Sheriff still barely understands him.
* Then, Talldic and the two bouncers walk out of the High Life.
* The Sheriff calls Talldic over.
* Sheriff: “I’m so sorry sire, these guys have been telling me that you’re like the head of the criminal organization?”
* Talldic looks like a smug motherfucker
* Carlos immediately cuts him off and says: “My associates are clearing out your warehouse right now.”
* A momentary flash of worry and annoyance flashes across his face and he starts to walk away, very vocally annoyed.
* The Sheriff tries to call him back, but Talldic continues with the scathing “I don’t have to deal with this bullshit”, threatens to fire the Sheriff, how he’s a lawabiding citizen, etc.
* The Sheriff no longer has sympathy for Talldic, but isn’t that confident about going after him with the two burly guys right next to him.
Kanye: Sheriff, I would like to be deputized to arrest this citizen.
* Talldic rolls his eyes and turns and walks away and tells the bouncers to deal with it. The two guards roll up on Kanye and Carlos, pull out hatchets, and start going at it.
* Kanye fucks the guy in front of him right up til he’s all bloody and then trips him
* Carlos arcs a badass lighting bolt but it sails past the guy down the alley
* The Sheriff decides to arrest the thugs
* He runs to the guy in front of Carlos and hits him over the head
* The Deputy decides to arrest Kanye and Carlos
* He goes to hit Kanye but Kanye is so well-armored it doesn’t really do anything
* The bouncer on the ground gets up and goes after Kanye, who gets hit but then wrenches the hatchets out of his hands and throws them back at him.
* Then Kanye pushes him off balance, although he doesn’t hit the deputy like he’s aiming.
* The bouncer in front of Carlos knocks Carlos down to 0 health and then hits the Sheriff once.
* Kanye takes off towards Talldic, screaming “FREEZE, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST” and holding two hatchets.
* Talldic runs faster
* Kanye tries to grapple Talldic, who slithers his way out and just manages to escape the hold and take off running. Kanye does manage to rip his shirt off, which exposes a picture of a large white horsehead tattoo on his chest.
* Kanye runs back to the fight, where Carlos is lying on the ground, drops the hatchets to pull out a glaive and makes a goading attack on the bouncer.
Kanye: And your mother was a- wait how does it go? …. Woodhouse, line!
* Both of the bouncers see their boss heading out and try to escape after him.
* Kanye stabs at the guy who was attacking Carlos - they don’t die, but they’re looking pretty bad.
Kanye: I do have a potion of healing!DM: lol Kanye drinks it.Kanye: I pour one out for my homey!
* Kanye pours a healing potion down Carlo’s throat.
* Sheriff now believes them and asks where they’re heading.
Sheriff: How are you going to notify your compatriots?Carlos: We have ways.Kanye: We have scornful crows!
* Carlos elects to use the fartie talkie to communicate to the other half of the party that the plan didn’t really go that well.
* Kanye tries to get deputized again
* Kanye and Carlos make a way to the stables on the nicer side of town to see if they can intercept Talldic
* There is no sign of action
Kanye: Is there a stablehand around?DM: At 3 in the morning? No.Kanye: So these are free horses then?Kanye: He’s been dealt with! All that’s left is the warehouse.DM: In what way has he been dealt with??Kanye: I have his shirt!
* Kanye describes the ripped shirt and tattoo over the walkie talkies
* Nissa doesn’t quite recall anything specific enough that matches the tattoo, despite being very well read about the matter - seems to imply the tattoo is for a secret org?
=== Group planning ===
* Carlos and Kanye will clean up and rest
* Nissa, Um and Averlyth will break into the warehouse
Um: So we’ve established that I can move under the cover of daylight. Wait, I mean..Carlos: Yeah the other thing.
* Nissa and Averlyth both tripped and stumbled on the way into warehouse with the cure, which made Um so so so nervous, but no one was actually alarmed.
* They climb down to the lab, and look around. They find alchemists notes (that contain the formula for the poison) as well as paperwork that confirms assumptions. They find more receipts and paperwork showing that Fresenius Restoration owns the area, and some correspondance with Alchemists and Talldic. Basically proof that we are correct.
* Nissa files the paper under E for Evidence
* It follows the Dewey Decimal System
* Averlyth pockets a vial of the poison
* To give Talldic a taste of their own poison, when we eventually catch him
=== Group brainstorming ===
* Set a distraction?
* Dig a tunnel?
* Set the stables on fire?
* Cast an illusion of stables on fire?
* Leave erotic pictures in the warehouse?
* Averlyth discovers she can teleport
=== New plan: ===
* Um will sneak over to the Warehouse and find a way in
* Then, Averlyth will take Nissa and teleport in
* Um successfully sneaks over and discovers a roof access hatch at the top
* No light is coming out of the building, there are no sounds
* He opens up the hatch and the inside is pitch black
* He climbs down the warehouse, and there is no one in there
* He takes the lantern down to the lighting
* This warehouse contains an even larger cache of the cure
Um: So I guess the question is can we leave and do something else?DM: That is .. the question of this group.
* No reason for Nissa and Averlyth to go into the warehouse after all.
* Carlos and Kanye finish their long rest and make their way back to the fort
* Agreed to just leave the fort tonight.
* Basically nothing happens
* The group reconvenes at the bluff
* Basically nothing happens
To be continued…