The Maud Couple/Transcript

: Meadow Song: Puh-leeeez put your hooves together for your next performer, Maud Pie!
: [applause]
: Maud Pie: [taps on microphone] [deadpan] What do you call an Alicorn with no wings and no horn?
: [beat]
: Maud Pie: Earth pony.
: Pinkie Pie: [laughs]
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] But seriously, being an Earth pony isn't so bad. We've got magic powers, too. Like walking around and picking stuff up with our teeth.
: [confused murmuring]
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] That's sarcasm, by the way.
: Pinkie Pie: [laughs] It's funny, 'cause it's true!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] My favorite thing to listen to is clastic rock – the accumulation of sediments over millennia forming to create sandstone, shale, and breccia. It sounds something like this.
: [feedback]
: [beat]
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] And that's my time.
: Pinkie Pie: [laughs] Isn't my sister Maud the most hilarious, entertaining, amazing comedian ever?
: [beat, ponies burst into uproarious laughter]
: [theme song]
: Pinkie Pie: Your jokes, your hilarious delivery, your... your everything!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] How was my... timing?
: Pinkie Pie: [laughing] You got me! C'mon, let's celebrate sister-style. We can get matching stickers that says "Eyes on the Pies", then show them off at the Ponyville Sticker Convention that I could plan for tomorrow if you want.
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Actually, I'm busy tonight.
: Pinkie Pie: Aww, that's what you said yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before the day before that. [sighs] It's just, we haven't hung out in a really long time because you always have other plans. Even when you promised to build whipped-cream pyramids with me.
: [spraying]
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] I know. I am sorry, Pinkie. The reason is I have a—
: Pinkie Pie: Apology accepted, as long as we get some serious sister time before your birthday. And there's, uh, definitely no reason I wanna hang out before your birthday. Just, you know, not planning anything special.
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Okay.
: Pinkie Pie: What about tomorrow morning?
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Okay.
: Pinkie Pie: Yay! Just you and me. Best sister friends forever!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Best sister friends forever.
: Pinkie Pie: I can't wait for tomorrow to be today. [extended squeal]
: Pinkie Pie: [continues squealing] Tomorrow is today! Who's ready for some fun times at Sugarcube Corner? The answer is "you"! I would also accept "Maud". Maud? Maud!
: [echoes]
: Pinkie Pie: [gasps] Oh, I get it! We're playing hide-and-go-seek!
: [music]
: [barrel clattering]
: [splashing]
: [zoom]
: [thud]
: [knock, knock, knock, knock]
: [door opens]
: Pinkie Pie: Aha! Found you!
: [crash]
: [clattering]
: Pinkie Pie: Where's Maud? I've already tried Discord's dimension, Granny Smith's wax museum, and Yakyakistan! She has to be here!
: Starlight Glimmer: Nope, it's just me. Reading.
: [pages flipping]
: Pinkie Pie: Story checks out. Or does it?! It does. But are you sure there's nopony hiding... in your closet?!
: Starlight Glimmer: Pinkie, I don't have a closet. Is everything okay?
: Pinkie Pie: No. I was supposed to go birthday cake shopping with Maud today.
: Starlight Glimmer: And ruin her surprise party?
: Pinkie Pie: I wasn't gonna tell her why, silly. But now I can't even find Maud. I'm usually way better at hide-and-seek than this.
: Starlight Glimmer: Oh, she probably just found a new rock formation and forgot you two were gonna hang out. Tell ya what. You take care of the cake, and I'll look for Maud.
: Pinkie Pie: Really? Thanks, Starlight!
: [flowerpot clattering]
: Pinkie Pie: Just checking.
: [door opens]
: Pinkie Pie: [whispering] I've gotta get very important ingredients for a very important pony's cake. And it's gotta be tippy-top super-duper secret.
: Mudbriar: Technically, it's not your turn yet.
: Pinkie Pie: Oh. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to cut in front of anypony.
: [beat]
: Pinkie Pie: Um, whatcha doin'?
: Mudbriar: I am currently speaking to a pony at a baking supply shop two minutes before it closes for lunch.
: Pinkie Pie: Rrrrrright. Okay. Just that I'm trying to plan a party here, and the clock is ticking, while you, uh... What are you doing anyway?
: Mudbriar: I am currently speaking to a—
: Pinkie Pie: I mean, can I help you move this along? What are you looking for? Rolling pins, cupcake tins, cookie cutters with tails and fins?
: Mudbriar: [to S06E12 Unnamed Unicorn Mare #3] Goodbye.
: Pinkie Pie: That's what you've been standing here all this time to say?
: Mudbriar: I was deciding between "goodbye" and "see you later".
: Pinkie Pie: Uh... but, they're the same thing.
: Mudbriar: Technically, they're very different. "See you later" implies an event in the near future wherein we see each other. "Goodbye" expresses good wishes where parting or at the end of a conversation.
: Pinkie Pie: Yyyyyeah, same thing.
: Mudbriar: I will not apologize for speaking with precision.
: Pinkie Pie: In that case, apology not accepted. Goodbye, later, see ya—same thing!
: [door slams]
: Pinkie Pie: Ugh! Can you believe that guy?! Huh? "Out to Lunch"?! Oh, come on!
: [door opens]
: Pinkie Pie: [groans] No Maud, no cake, no anything! And how annoying was that pony? Who takes so long to say goodbye? Or was it "see ya later"? Ugh! Now he's got me doing it!
: [bump]
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Hello, Pinkie Pie.
: Pinkie Pie: Maud! Found you! My turn to hide! Hee-hee!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] I'm sorry I wasn't around this morning.
: Pinkie Pie: Oh, pssh. What are you apologizing to me for? I'm not upset, you silly-willy.
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] The reason is I met somepony—
: Pinkie Pie: Wanna hang out right now? I mean, I can see you're not doing anything with anypony else. Unless they're invisible or reeeeeaaaally small.
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Pinkie, the reason I've been so busy is that I have a boyfriend now.
: Pinkie Pie: A wha...?
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] A boyfriend.
: Pinkie Pie: A whaaa...?!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] A boyfriend.
: Pinkie Pie: A whaaaaa...?!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] A boyfriend.
: Pinkie Pie: That's so exciting! My sister, in love!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Technically, we're in "like".
: Pinkie Pie: Tell me everything! Who is he? What's his favorite color? Does he like ice cream? If he were a bird, what kind of bird would he be? Wait. Is he actually a bird? Oh! I don't know, because you haven't told me anything yet!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] You'll like him. We have a lot in common.
: Pinkie Pie: Well, I love you, so I know I'm gonna love your boyfriend! Oh, I can't wait to meet him!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] You don't have to.
: Pinkie Pie: [gasps] He's a rock! And you love rocks, so it's perfect! [gasps] Is Boulder jealous?
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] No. Behind the rock. Mudbriar, are you back there?
: Mudbriar: Technically, not anymore.
: Pinkie Pie: [gasps] A wha-whaaaaaaaaa?!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Pinkie Pie, meet Mudbriar.
: Mudbriar: Technically, we've already met.
: Pinkie Pie: You?!
: Mudbriar: M'yes.
: Pinkie Pie: You?
: Mudbriar: M'yes.
: Pinkie Pie: You...
: Mudbriar: M'yes.
: Pinkie Pie: I mean, [laughs] you! You, you, you!
: Mudbriar: M'yes. M'yes. M'yes.
: Pinkie Pie: I'm sorry. Let's start over. Hi, I'm Maud's sister, Pinkie Pie.
: Mudbriar: I know.
: Pinkie Pie: Sooooo... how did... you two meet?
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] At a rock show.
: Pinkie Pie: Oh! You're into rocks, too?
: Mudbriar: No. I like sticks.
: Pinkie Pie: Then why were you at a rock show?
: Mudbriar: It was a petrified wood show, which technically makes it a stick show.
: Maud Pie: [deadpanly happy] Except that in the per-mineralization process of petrification, all organic material is replaced with silicates – i.e., rocks.
: Mudbriar: While retaining the original structural elements of wood – q.e.d., it was a stick show.
: Pinkie Pie: I'm... really into sticks, too! They're great for hitting piñatas! Haaaaa...
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Pinkie...
: Pinkie Pie: Oh! You wanna go first?
: Mudbriar: That is stick abuse.
: Pinkie Pie: It is? I'm sorry. Oh, this is awful. I'm not being a very good sister. Let's start over. I'm Pinkie Pie! Nice to meet you!
: Mudbriar: Technically, we've already met.
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] You should introduce Pinkie to your pet.
: Pinkie Pie: Oh! Your pet likes fetch!
: Mudbriar: This is my pet. So no.
: Maud Pie: [deadpanly happy] Aw. Look at Twiggy and Boulder playing together.
: Mudbriar: They're adorable.
: Pinkie Pie: [whispering, to Maud] It's just a stick.
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Don't be rude.
: Pinkie Pie: [sighs] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. One more time. I'm Pinkie Pie! [through gritted teeth] Nice to meet you!
: Mudbriar: Technically, we've already met.
: Pinkie Pie: [growls, snort]
: Pinkie Pie: [straining] Daaah! I don't get this guy!
: Starlight Glimmer: Wow. Maud has a boyfriend?
: Pinkie Pie: [groans] How could she like someone so weird? He has an inanimate object for a pet!
: Starlight Glimmer: So does Maud.
: Pinkie Pie: Boulder has ten times the personality of some random stick! Mudbriar, too, for that matter. He's not like Maud at all! Maud is hilarious, friendly, caring, and easy to talk to!
: Starlight Glimmer: Yep, that's Maud.
: Pinkie Pie: But this guy is awkward, quiet, and kind of... strange.
: Starlight Glimmer: Uh, that also sounds like Maud.
: Pinkie Pie: [laughs] You're so funny, Starlight! Maud is nothing like Mudbriar. If she were, then we wouldn't be best sister friends forever.
: Starlight Glimmer: Well, Maud obviously likes something about him.
: Pinkie Pie: [groans]
: Starlight Glimmer: Maybe you just need to spend more time with him. Find out what you have in common.
: Pinkie Pie: That's easy – nothing!
: Starlight Glimmer: You both care about Maud. I know. He could help you with her party.
: Pinkie Pie: I guess...
: Starlight Glimmer: And I'll keep Maud busy while you and Mudbriar plan the best surprise birthday ever.
: Pinkie Pie: That I can do!
: Pinkie Pie: Listen. Maud's birthday is tomorrow, and there's no time to waste. You're not afraid of slides, are you?
: Mudbriar: No. Whyyyyyyyyyyy??!
: [crash]
: Mudbriar: Oof!
: Pinkie Pie: No reason. Wheeeeeee!
: [crash]
: Mudbriar: [groans]
: Pinkie Pie: Welcome to my party planning cave!
: Mudbriar: Technically, due to the speleothems growing from the ceiling, this is more of a cavern than a cave. Maud taught me that.
: Pinkie Pie: Yeah, okay.
: [squeaking]
: Pinkie Pie: Here's what I'm thinking for her surprise party – edible rock candy plates, gem-shaped ice cubes, a pebble piñata. Uh... we'll skip that one.
: Mudbriar: Might I make some suggestions?
: Pinkie Pie: Oh. Suggest away! That's why you're here! You and me! Planning... together! Friends!
: Mudbriar: I have a vision board of everything Maud loves, and none of those things are on it.
: Pinkie Pie: Hmph. Let me see this "vision board".
: Mudbriar: It's not a physical thing. I'm envisioning it. [quietly] Om, I enter through the large door of my mind palace and enter to the back, where I have all of my books and possessions, and what do I encounter? The Maud Room. None of those things are there. [out loud] Just as I thought. Maud doesn't like surprises.
: Pinkie Pie: Where does it say that? She never told me that!
: Mudbriar: Mmm. It sounds like she was protecting your feelings. She's very caring that way.
: Pinkie Pie: Stop acting like you know my sister better than me!
: Mudbriar: Technically, I never said that.
: Pinkie Pie: [angrily] Well, technically, I don't care! And since I've been best sister friends forever with Maud my entire life, I think I'm the expert here! Oh, but fine. If you don't believe me, let's ask her! [whispering] But we have to be super-sneaky.
: Mudbriar: Can you be more specific?
: Pinkie Pie: No!
: Starlight Glimmer: Huh. You must be Mudbriar.
: [beat]
: Starlight Glimmer: I'm Starlight Glimmer. Nice to meet you. I've heard great things!
: [beat]
: Starlight Glimmer: I'm so glad the two of you are spending time together. So... how's it going?
: Pinkie Pie: Mudbriar and I have just spent the best time bonding! And we're really starting to make some headway becoming besties, except for one teensy-weensy disagreement that maybe you could settle, Maud. See, Mudbriar here seems to think that [starting to laugh] you don't like surprise parties! Isn't it funny how [suddenly angry] wrong he is?!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] I like surprise parties...
: Pinkie Pie: Hmmmm.
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] ...because I know they make you happy when you throw them for me.
: Pinkie Pie: See? Wait, what?!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] I'd rather just do something small with you, Starlight, Boulder, and Mudbriar for my birthday.
: Pinkie Pie: No party? No party?! Did he put you up to this?!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Mm-mm.
: Pinkie Pie: [whispering] Maybe you should consider, I don't know, taking things a little less serious with Mudbriar because he's kinda sort of... [loudly] impossible to like?!
: Starlight Glimmer: Hey, Mudbriar, have you ever flown a kite? Let me tell you all about it. See, the first thing you should do is—
: Pinkie Pie: I just can't believe you would choose sitting around with him over a party with your own sister!
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] I didn't choose either of you. Technically, I said I wanted to be with both of you.
: Pinkie Pie: [gasps] "Technically"?! Ugh, you even like the way he talks?
: Maud Pie: [deadpan] Everything about him makes me happy.
: Pinkie Pie: [gasps] [tearing up] Then I guess you don't need a best sister friend forever anymore.
: Maud Pie: [deadpanly concerned] Pinkie...
: Starlight Glimmer: Uh, wait, let's all slow down and talk about this.
: Pinkie Pie: No! [sobbing]
: Mudbriar: See you later!
: Pinkie Pie: [continues crying] I don't understand! How could Maud like Mudbriar? Is it Opposite Day? Nothing makes sense!
: Fluttershy's apparition: I'm not shy, and I hate animals!
: Rarity's apparition: Fashion?! Not for me, darling!
: Applejack's apparition: Peh! An apple a day is downright disgusting!
: Rainbow Dash's apparition: Slow and steady wins the race!
: Twilight Sparkle's apparition: I never learned to read!
: Mane five's apparitions: [laughing]
: Pinkie Pie: What if I don't like cupcakes?! [screaming]
: [rooster crows]
: Pinkie Pie: Good morning! Oh, wait. Bad morning. [groans]
: [door opens]
: Limestone Pie: Get out of bed, sis. If you're gonna be here, you gotta work.
: Pinkie Pie: Ohhh.
: [pickaxe clinking]
: Pinkie Pie: You're probably wondering why I came back to the family farm in the middle of the night.
: Marble Pie: Mm-hmm.
: Pinkie Pie: Well, it all started when—
: Limestone Pie: Less talking, more farming!
: Pinkie Pie: [sad groan] It's just... Maud has a boyfriend.
: Limestone Pie: I'm not jealous! Who said anything about jealous?!
: Pinkie Pie: Don't be! He's super-duper weird! And somehow, he tricked Maud into liking him. And now I'll never get to see her again! [sighs] I came home because you two know her better than anypony. What am I missing? What does she see in him? [tearing up] What does he have that I don't?! [wails loudly]
: Limestone Pie: Buck up, Pinkie Pie. You look as miserable as I feel all the time.
: Pinkie Pie: [sniffs]
: [splash]
: Pinkie Pie: It's just that I love Maud, and I want to love Mudbriar, but I can't see anything to like about him!
: [beat]
: Limestone Pie: Ugh, fine! We're taking a work break. Come on!
: Limestone Pie: I'm looking at a sparkling bright blue and white rock. See it?
: Pinkie Pie: You mean that lumpy grey one?
: Limestone Pie: No, the beautiful blue and white one. Right there.
: Pinkie Pie: I would not describe that as beautiful, blue, or white, but... [laughs nervously] Okay.
: Limestone Pie: [to Marble] Show her.
: [rock cracks]
: [glistening]
: Limestone Pie: It's a geode! The outside looks like a regular rock, but the inside is filled with beautiful gems.
: Pinkie Pie: So you're saying I should crack open Mudbriar like a rock! It all makes sense! No, wait. It doesn't.
: Limestone Pie: It's a metaphor, Pinkie! You see Mudbriar as a rock, but Maud sees him as a gem. Even if you never see past his dullness, you can see how happy he makes Maud. And to a sister, that's all that matters.
: Marble Pie: Mm-hmm!
: [rock clinks]
: Pinkie Pie: Oh, Limestone, Marble, thank you! I don't know what I'd do without you two! Pie pile!
: [thud]
: Limestone Pie: Okay, okay! You're crushing me to gravel, Pinkie!
: Pinkie Pie: I really owe Mudbriar an apology. [gasps] And I owe Maud a party! I just hope I'm not too late!
: [paper rustling]
: [whirring hooves]
: Pinkie Pie: I brought you an olive branch to say sorry. I was really unfair to you, and I'm ready to listen to your ideas for Maud's birthday, if you still want to plan it together.
: Mudbriar: Technically, this isn't even an olive branch. It's a quercus, most likely castaneifolia.
: Pinkie Pie: Oh, come on! [through gritted teeth] Sorry! Keeping it together...!
: Mudbriar: And I love a good quercus. Friends?
: Pinkie Pie: Friends! Now, do you have any ideas for the party?
: Mudbriar: There is one.
: [music]
: [ponies chattering]
: [door opens]
: Crowd: Surprise!
: [indistinct talking]
: Background pony 1: Can you believe this punch? Oh, it's so good!
: Background pony 2: Another great party!
: Background pony 3: I know!
: Background pony 4: Yeah!
: Maud Pie: [deadpanly happy] This is my favorite party ever.
: Pinkie Pie: It was all your amazing boyfriend's idea. He said the best present would be me throwing you a surprise party you didn't have to go to.
: Mudbriar: Technically, it wasn't a surprise because she could see the pre-party preparations from up here.
: Pinkie Pie: [through gritted teeth] Technically... [normally] You're right!
: [credits]