The COVID Episode

The COVID Episode is the third episode in the first season of Shanghai SquarePants.
==Plot==
Dirty American capitalists and nasty World Health Organization put sanction on glorious people's republic for "keeping the coronavirus a secret". Meanwhile, Comrade SquarePants wonders why their province doesn't have any COVID cases.
==Transcript==
--
Are you ready háizimen?
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
I can't hear you!
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
Oooohh,
Who lives in a take-out box on the sea floor?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves pirating movies and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves his brainwashing and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
A strong Chinese army is something you wish?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Then stop asking questions, and get back to work!
--
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, what a glorious morning in Eastern Shanghai in prosperous people's republic! Time to go by Comrade Patrick.
[Checks government mandatory mid-range smartphone.]
Comrade SquarePants: Thousands worldwide affected by new strain of coronavirus? If the nasty capitalist World Health Organization blame glorious people's republic for it's own short comings, I will be very anger!
Comrade Patrick: Comrade SquarePants! You should try this new bat soup, very refreshing for glorious republic's tropical climate.
Comrade SquarePants: Uh, I see you have not read government mandated news report! We must refrain from consuming bats, it's making big daddy government upset.
Comrade Patrick: Did big daddy government ever give you any bat soup?
Comrade SquarePants: Comrade, your stupidity belongs in the Americas. (checks phone)
[You have gained 5 China points!]
Comrade SquarePants: Now, did big daddy government ever give you five China points?
Comrade Patrick: Comrade, you're missing out.
Comrade SquarePants: Whatever, I'm going by the Mega Duplex Panda Express for breakfast.
Comrade Patrick: b a t   s o u p
[At the busy Panda Express]
PE Waiter: Hail Tiananmen
Comrade SquarePants: Hail Tiananmen!
PE Waiter: What would you like, comrade? Our government mandated menu has a lot of food.
Comrade SquarePants: (thinks for a second) What do you have to say about the b a t   s o u p?
PE Waiter: b a t   s o u p?
Comrade SquarePants: yes, b a t   s o u p.
PE Waiter: It's f o o d.
Comrade SquarePants: hMmm...
PE Waiter: comrade pls hurry up (like omfg why do we even have waiters)
Comrade SquarePants: shut up comrade, you're a fucking panda express waiter
PE Waiter: just order the fucking b a t   s o u p
Comrade SquarePants: i'll have... twenty
PE Waiter: okay, coming right up
[A few momets later]
Comrade SquarePants: (takes a moment from his bat soup) hmm patrick was right, this is really good
He looks around and sees almost no one left in the restaurant.
Comrade SquarePants: Wait, where did everyone go? (checks phone)
[coronavirus cases in shanghai: 1]
Comrade SquarePants: hmmm
[coronavirus cases in shanghai: 0]
Comrade SquarePants: wha
[coronavirus cases in shanghai: 1]
[coronavirus cases in shanghai: 0]
Comrade SquarePants: what the capitalist america (gets up and walks out of the panda express)
PE Waiter: You filthy capitalist, you didn't pay your bill!
[A few days later]
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, a beautiful morning in–
Propaganda Minister Perkins: 吸我的鸡巴! America with 20,000 cases of coronavirus, Shanghai with zero!
Comrade SquarePants: wait a minute what the fucking xi jinping bullshit is this, i need to see my boyfriend patrick
[texts patrick]
Comrade SquarePants: hey boyfriend
Comrade Patrick: lol gay
Comrade SquarePants: why is there no coronavirus cases in shanghai lol like whut lol
Comrade Patrick: idk who cares i had b a t   s o u p again
Comrade SquarePants: bruh no one gives a shit about b a t   s o u p, it's mediocre at best
Comrade Patrick: why did the waiter tell me u liked it and didnt pay the bill
Comrade SquarePants: whatever we need to get to the bottom of this
Comrade Patrick: ur such a bottom lol
Comrade SquarePants: EXCUSE ME I PERFORM BETTER IN BED
[patrick deactivate account lol]
Comrade SquarePants: Wait what the hell?
[coronavirus cases in shanghai: 1]
[coronavirus cases in shanghai: 0]
Comrade SquarePants: WAIT WHAT IS THIS WHY THERE ARE ZERO CASES
[goes by patrick's house]
Guard: Comrade! What are you doing here and not in the Levi Jeans Factory!
'Comrade SquarePants: Why are you dragging a bodybag out of my [redacted]s house?
Guard: uh
Comrade SquarePants: 他妈的你吮吸我的鸡巴，而我则拉屎，而我给我口交
[Episode abruptly ends, cut to a title card that reads: 你肮脏的资本家白痴不会破坏我们.]
Category:Shanghai SquarePants
Category:Episodes
Category:Shanghai SquarePants episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:LTV
Category:SBCA
Category:Episodes written by SBCA
Category:2020s