The Darkest Universe

The Darkest Universe is the fifth episode of Kakos Industries.
== Synopsis ==
In which the truth about the Darkest Universe Festival is revealed, there is some bad news from the Adult Entertainment Branch, some workers escape from Hell, the relationship with The Brotherhood of the Salmon Flagellations progresses, The Division of Excess releases a new product, and Jenny Wilkinson wins the Ruin a Life Contest.
== Summary ==
The announcements are opened by Kakos Industries CEO Corin Deeth III, who reminds listeners that the broadcast is for shareholders only, and non-shareholders should stop listening.
=== Dark Friday ===
Corin relays the disappointing results of the Dark Friday festivities. Despite participants' best efforts at putting hate and anger into the universe, it appears that they failed to make this universe the darkest universe. This was evidenced as a box of potential kittens was saved from the highway by a local fire department, after nearly 1,000 drivers failed to crush the box. The box did contain kittens, which were distributed by the fire department to children on a nearby school bus. 
In the face of this, Corin is forced to conclude that this is not the darkest universe. Corin announces he intended to step down as CEO due to this failure, but Kakos Industries' Contract Master, Grace Rule, informed him that he cannot. Grace did give him a hug, chucked him under the chin and told him to "Buck up, champ." Contact with Grace Rule left Corin with burns.
=== Radio ===
The announcements are received via a Spy Radio found in a box of Kak-O's Industries Cereal. The radio included leaky batteries, which likely made the cereal inedible. The broadcast can be heard on the "Awesome" frequency, and shareholders are advised not to tune the radio to other frequencies, particularly "Danger". That frequency may draw homing missiles.
=== Agriculture Festival ===
The Agriculture Festival is cancelled.
=== Division updates ===
The Adult Entertainment Branch is preparing for wider release of the New Hole. The division has prepared over 2,000 pornographic titles, and have begun training plastic surgeons to install the hole. Unfortunately, progress has been waylaid over an incident involving the sex tape between a starlet and a professional athlete which was to feature the New Hole. As the AEB previously warned, the New Hole can interfere with "normal spinal function," and a malfunction of the hole lead to the starlet's and athlete's deaths. The New Hole project has been postponed, but the AEB is continuing work on a new vibrating sex toy.
Corin provides an update on Denny, the human brain that doesn't know it's in a fabricated reality. He reports that Denny enjoys the feel of summer rain on their skin, and things that smell good. Denny may or may not have had a traumatic childhood, and may or may not have left home early. They have fallen out of touch with friends from childhood, and may or may not have used Facebook to try to reconnect. Either way, Denny was unsuccessful.
Hell, the labor camp managed by the Division of Labor, reports that some of the workers have escaped. Corin clarifies that, while the workers are not in the labor camp area, they are still miles below the Earth's surface. He also warns anyone listening that the area surrounding the labor camp is also "unpleasant." This is due in part to extremophile microbes which have begun to mutate with the new conditions surrounding Hell. An explorer was consumed by some of these microbes, and the introduction of human DNA resulted in a creature now called "Morlocks". Corin hopes that the escapees brought some weapons with them to kill some of the Morlocks before the creatures kill them, and promises a search party will be organized when Kakos "gets around to it."
The Division of Green Energy has begun a Garbage Catch and Release program. Garbage will be removed from the environment to make a show of making change, and then returned to the environment immediately after.
Kakos Industries has trademarked the phrase "Two More Weeks." Kakos has used the phrase since 1989, when they began a promotion to pre-order anti-gravity boots. Anti-gravity boots are not in development at Kakos, but customer service handles phone calls promising their impending release.
The Division of Secret Societies is continuing its courtship of the Brotherhood of the Salmon Flagellations. Kakos Industries is organizing a banquet to host the Brotherhood. Corin hopes that in the coming weeks Kakos will be able to consume the Brotherood, noting that it has been some time since Kakos has devoured a secret society and is "aching for it."
The Division of Excess, which manages "ways for the obscenely wealthy to spend conspicuously" without contributing to the greater good, is introducing a new product. The "deflationary oven" is intended for those who already control a substantial amount of currency to burn their money, increasing the value of the remainder through deflation.
=== The office romance ===
Corin updates the shareholders on the office romance he has orchestrated between Billy Wessler and Kara Smith. Billy and Kara had another date this week, and ended the night at Kara's apartment. Corin is concerned that Kakos may have failed to take sexual chemistry into account when designing this office romance. Sources at Kakos indicated that Kara has a collection of toys which may have pushed Billy out of his comfort zone. Kakos is course correcting by manipulating Kara with "highly gendered images of how women should behave" and has scheduled a "guilt-inducing" phone call with Kara's mother, in hopes that she will go easier on Billy.
=== Ruin-a-Life Drawing ===
Jenny Wilkinson wins the Ruin-a-Life Drawing, causing her nemesis, Harry Petrovic, to have his life ruined. The Wheel of Misery determines that Harry's sexuality will be changed. Harry is now heterosexual, which will lead to him divorcing his husband and upsetting the lives of their two daughters. Jenny Wilkinson will also cease to be bisexual.
=== Things We're Taking Credit For Now ===
*English Language Haiku
*Dolphins
*Not Knowing Whether or Not You’re Really in Love
=== Numbers ===
1 295 2 876 3 414 4 5 6
== External links ==
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Category:Episodes