A Friend Like Me

== Synopsis ==
While trying to meet their acquaintances in class, Robyn and Kiara try get to know each other. 
== Disclaimer ==
All characters and events in this short— even those based on real people— are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated…poorly. The following program contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.
== Episode ==
The following short episode script you are going to read is fake. Yes, fake. Now, sit back and enjoy. Reminder: This takes place in Season Twenty-Three in 2019, after “Christmas Snow”.
-
South Park Elementary, day. Fourth-grade classroom. The kids (who are all present) are in their seats, talking. 
Cartman: Ugh, I can’t believe we have to take that dumb math quiz today.
Kenny: (I know. It’s too fucking early.)
Kyle: Will you guys stop complaining? Jesus, it’s not like you’re going to die. 
Cartman: Oh, please. You’re just saying that because you studied, Kahl.
Kyle: …Y-Your point?
Cartman: God, I hate you, Kahl.
Stan: What if we don’t take the quiz today? 
Cartman: Then it’ll be a fucking miracle. I’ll have time to st-
Robyn: Yeah, right. You know god damn well you weren’t going to study even if the quiz was pushed back. 
Cartman: You’re motherfucking right. 
Robyn: Haha, I knew it. 
Wendy: Who didn’t know?
Mrs. Nelson walks in the classroom and looks at the students. 
Mrs. Nelson: All right, children. I know you all were expecting a math quiz today. 
Kyle: Yeah, we were all expecting. Especially those who have STUDIED for it. [looks at the kids around him] 
Mrs. Nelson: Well, unfortunately there will be a change. We’re pushing the quiz date to next Thursday week. 
Craig: ..Wait, what are we doing today then? 
Mrs. Nelson: Today, you all will meet an acquaintance to be friends with. 
Cartman: The fuck are you talking about? No one here is an acquaintance to anyone. 
Mrs. Nelson: I’ve seen how some of you treat each other, and I don’t think I like it. Some of you have been very awful to others and I couldn’t let it pass. 
Cartman: Aw, come on. Who here has been a dick to others? 
The whole class looks at Cartman.
Cartman: Why the fuck is everyone looking at me?
Kyle: So you’re just going to act like you aren’t a dick to everyone? 
Cartman: We were all dicks at some point! Remember that French kid? Everyone was a dick to him, so it clearly wasn’t just me.
Kiara: [reading a book] What French kid? 
Cartman: Shut up. If anyone, Butters is way better than that kid. 
Stan: [looks at Kenny] What happened to Pip anyway? 
Kenny: (I don’t know.)
Robyn: Dead. 
Stan: [shakes his head] Damn, dude.
Cartman: Craig’s a dick too. Look at him! Every time you see him he’s flipping someone off.
Craig: Hey, Eric. Look. [holds up the middle finger to Cartman] 
Mrs. Nelson: That’s exactly what I’m talking about. [holds a small brown box and shakes it] This box has all of your names in it. When I go to your desk, pull out someone’s name and that’s who’ll you be getting to know for the whole week. Now, who would like to go first? 
Robyn: I’ll volunteer. Whoever I get, I just want y’all to know that I’m the best friend that you guys can ever have. 
Kiara: [still reading] Ha. That’s a laugh. 
Mrs. Nelson goes to Robyn’s desk. Robyn puts her hand into the box, moving her hand around.
Stan: You aren’t scared? 
Robyn: Why would I be scared to be friends with anyone in this class? Most of you are my friends after all. [pulls a name out] 
Wendy: Who did you pick? 
Robyn: I have… [looks at the name and looks confused] Kiara? 
Kiara: ..What? 
Cartman: [laughs] She thought she would get one of us! 
Robyn: Mrs. Nelson, can I have a redo? I can’t work with her. 
Mrs. Nelson: Robyn, the purpose of this is to get to know an acquaintance. You know almost everyone in here. 
Robyn: Not everyone. I don’t know Scott Malkinson that well. 
Scott: That is correct. You don’t know me because you don’t talk to me. 
Robyn: [to Mrs. Nelson] See? 
Mrs. Nelson: You pulled Kiara’s name out, therefore you’ll get to know her and she’ll do the same for you. 
Kiara: Sorry, but I refuse to work with someone who’s loud and obnoxious. I have other things to worry about anyway. 
Clyde: Ooooh, you fucked up now.
Robyn jumps out of her seat and goes to Kiara’s desk, glaring at her. Kiara keeps a straight face.
Robyn: Listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth, okay?
Kiara: ..Okay.
Robyn: You don’t know me, so I suggest you stop assuming things that aren’t true about me, okay?
Kiara: …
Mrs. Nelson: Right! She doesn’t know you. That’s why she’s going to start getting to know how you really are today. 
Robyn: Pray for me, guys.
Kiara: My life can’t get any worse. 
-
South Park Elementary Playground, day. Kids play and talk with their friends. The boys and Robyn are by the swings; Kenny and Kyle are on the swings.
Robyn: Who did you guys get for the whole acquaintance thing? 
Kenny: (I got Annie.)
Stan: I have Craig. 
Kyle: Butters.
Cartman: I have Tolkien. How fucking exciting is that? 
Robyn: You guys have no reason to complain about anything. I have her. [points to Kiara, who was smoking a cigarette under a tree] 
Kenny: (Aw, she isn’t so bad. All you have to do is ask what she likes.)
Robyn: You really think that’s going to work?
Kenny: (Uh-huh.)
Stan: It should be worth a try.
Robyn: [sighs and goes to Kiara] 
Kiara: [drops her cigarette and steps on it, burying it in the snow]
Robyn: [waves] Hey, Kiara. 
Kiara: [looks at Robyn] Hi. What do you want? 
Robyn: What stuff do you like? I mean, we are supposed to learn about each other. This should be a good starter. 
Kiara: Uhhh.. why don’t you tell me about your interests first?
Robyn: Well, I like ba- 
Kiara: Don’t care. [puts her hands in her pockets]
Robyn: …Kiara, if you don’t open up to me, we’re clearly not getting anywhere with this task. 
Kiara: Say what you were going to say. I won’t interrupt.
Robyn: Okay.. I like basketball. It’s more of a hobby though. I don’t play it daily.
Kiara: ..That’s such a dumb sport. 
Robyn: You think? 
Kiara: Yeah. The rules are even stupid. To be more specific, everything about basketball is dumb along with other sports. 
Robyn: You know, sports aren’t dumb-
Kiara: Ye- Yeah, they are actually dumb. What’s the point of them, am I right? 
Robyn: [glares at her] 
Kiara: Is there anything else you like? 
Robyn: I like to sing.. but that’s just when I’m in a happy mood. 
Kiara: Singing? Ugh. That’s for fucking birds. I just remembered that you’re named after a bird, right? Robin? 
Robyn: Okay, how about you let me f- 
Kiara: Is there anything else you like that’ll amaze me? 
Robyn: ..I’m good at cooking ch- 
Kiara: Boooooooooooooooooooooo. 
Robyn: ..Okay. Tell me one of your interests then. 
Kiara: Well, I collect celebrity hair and I- 
Robyn: Pause. Pause. You collect celebrity hair?! 
Kiara: Yeah? So what? 
Robyn: That’s the most weirdest and creepiest thing I ever heard. 
Kiara: Hell, it’s better than sports and whatever the fuck you conformists do. 
Robyn: Collecting celebrity hair is just uncalled for. Literally, who in their fucking mind would do that? 
Kiara: Me. I do. 
Robyn: That’s just disgusting.. 
Kiara: ..I hope you realize that everything you do is a bummer.
Robyn: And I hope you realize that everything you do is terrifying. 
Kiara: Yeah, terrifying is how I want it to be.
Robyn and Kiara both begin to argue. The boys watch them and look at each other.
Kyle: Should we stop them? 
Cartman: Are you fucking serious right now? I’m not stopping a cat fight. 
Kyle: If it were a cat fight, they’d be fighting physically, dumbass. Also, they’re not even fighting. They’re arguing. 
Kenny: (Dudes, let’s bail.)
Stan: Yeah, good call. Let’s just leave them alone. 
The boys walk away. 
Kiara: Are you seriously judging me right now?
Robyn: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m doing because you wanna talk about what I like.
Kiara: Yeah, because everything you like is fucking stupid!
Robyn: Collecting someone else’s hair is stupid, you creep! I don’t even want to hear a word from you. Every time you say something, you say something weird.
Kiara: Fine. I don’t even know why you’re talking to me. It’s not fucking cool. 
Robyn: Bye. [walks away from Kiara]
Kiara: ..Bitch. [mutters, flipping off Robyn] 
-
The Parker Residence, Kiara’s parents were both sitting in the living room on the couch.
Andrew: Kiara! Get down here now! 
Kiara comes down from the stairs, then goes to the living room and stands in front of her parents. 
Kiara: Is there a problem? 
Andrew: Did you know the school called and said that you were being rude to one of your classmates?
Kiara: [sighs and rolls her eyes] You mean Robyn? Ugh. Mom, Dad, you’d do it too if you were me. 
Maggie: Why did you do it anyway?
Silence fills the room.
Maggie: Exactly. 
Kiara: She’s just.. loud and annoying and I wasn’t just going to sit there and take the-
Andrew: Sweetie, I think it would be good for you to apologize to your friend.
Kiara: …Dad, we’re not friends. Mrs. Nelson wanted the whole class to meet an acquaintance. Robyn pulled my name out and that’s why I’m stuck with her.
Andrew: Well, maybe you should just accept whatever your teacher is doing. Maybe.. try to go with the flow? 
Kiara: ..Whatever. I’ll just find her.
Andrew: That’s my little angel. [smiles and pats Kiara’s head]
Kiara: [groans and moves away to the door, opening it] Ugh. Don’t go in my room while I’m gone.
Maggie: We won’t, dear. 
Kiara walks out of the house and shuts the door, leaving her home.
Walking down the street away from her house, Kiara sees Craig’s gang outside of Craig’s house. She goes to them.
Clyde: [notices] Guys, look who’s here. 
Tweek: Ack!- [hides behind Craig]
Tolkien: [looks at Kiara] So?
Clyde: On a count of three, let’s all scare her by doing something like-
Kiara: [hears him] No. Don’t even try it. 
Clyde: ..Damn it.
Jimmy: Go-G-Good try, Clyde. 
Craig: [notices Kiara] Hey. Uhh, you looking for something?
Kiara: Someone, actually. Do you know where Robyn is?
Craig: Uhhh.. no. 
Jimmy: N-N-No. Not at all.
Clyde: Why? Does she owe you something?
Kiara: My dumb parents want me to apologize to her. 
Tolkien: Maybe she’s with Stan and those guys. Maybe you can check there. 
Kiara: All right. Thanks. [walks away from them]
Tweek: [moves away from Craig] I-Is she gone?!
Craig: Yeah, she’s gone, honey.
Clyde: Okay, stop with the pet names. It’s not you.
-
Kiara is still walking, on her way to Stan’s house to find Robyn. She decides to go to through the park to Stan’s street (since the park was near Kyle’s house, which was the street where the main four live). She goes to the park and sees Robyn sitting down on a bench, writing something in a notebook.
Kiara: [goes to Robyn] Hey. 
Robyn: ..Hey. [looks up from her notebook and stops writing] Here to talk about me writing? 
Kiara: No. Writing is cool, actually. What are you writing about?
Robyn: Why do you wanna know?
Kiara: I mean, if you came to a place like this to write, it must be something pretty interesting. 
Robyn: ..I’m writing a poem.
Kiara: Oh? You like poems too?
Robyn: Yeah. Haikus are my favorite type of poetry. 
Kiara: That’s cool. I like free verse poems.
Robyn: They’re my second favorite. [smiles]
Kiara: [smiles slightly, then sits next to Robyn] Are you writing an original poem?
Robyn: Nah. Usually I just write poems by people and put them in my notebook. Writing is one of the things that calms me down.
Kiara: Well, if you do plan on writing an original poem, you should try to let your emotions out. Like, write whatever you’re feeling on the paper. You’ll feel extremely good after. Just let your emotions flow in with the words.
Robyn: I know that already. You must be an expert at this stuff, aren’t you?
Kiara: Maybe I am. [shrugs] 
Robyn: Why are you here? Just curious. 
Kiara: My dumb parents wanted me to apologize to you. 
Robyn: Well? I’m waiting for my apology. 
Kiara: [laughs a little] I’m sorry. Happy?
Robyn: Yes, I am. 
Kiara: Uhh, what’s your favorite music band?
Robyn: Gorillaz. 
Kiara: Oh, I heard their music and their pretty good. My favorite music band is The Cure. 
Robyn: They must be really popular for goth kids, huh? 
Kiara: Mmm.. most of us listen to them because they’re pretty popular. You should give them a listen.
Robyn: [nods] Maybe I will. What’s your favorite show?
Kiara: I don’t have a favorite show. I have favorite movies. Can I tell you my favorite franchises?
Robyn: Go for it.
Kiara: ..I love the Child’s Play, Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm. Street… Oh. My most favorite franchise of them all is Stephen King. The books are better though.
Robyn: The only movie I watched from a Stephen King book was Carrie. 
Kiara: I read the book and watched all the adaptations. My favorite Carrie adaption is from 2013.
Robyn: That’s my favorite too! What about It?
Kiara: Oh my god, yes. It is one of the best of them all. My favorite movie is It: Chapter 1. Chapter 2 was pretty good, but I just prefer the first one. 
Robyn: Chapter 2 was funny as hell. Tell me more about your interests. 
Kiara: I’m glad you asked. [smirks and leans in close] 
Kiara and Robyn begin to talk. Their conversation trails off as the main boys arrive at the park. Cartman bounces a basketball when he sees the two girls talking. 
Cartman: Aw, isn’t that cute, you guys? 
Kyle: Ugh, shut up, fatass. 
Stan: [smiles] Aww, they’re getting along. I guess they’re actually getting to know each other. 
Cartman: Yeah. Reminds me of the time where Kinny got to know Kiara too well that he almost killed himself.
Kenny: (Oh, fuck you, dude. And for the last time, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts!)
Cartman: [laughs] You suck, Kinny.
Kyle: Let’s just pretend they’re not there and play basketball. 
Cartman: Me and Kinny gonna totally crush you and Stan, Kahl. 
Kyle: Wanna bet? 
Cartman: Yeah! 
Stan: How much?
Robyn: [hears them] $50! 
Stan: [looks at the two] $50?
Kiara: I’ll have the money for the winner tomorrow at school.
Cartman: What the fuck are we waiting for?! Let’s fucking do this! 
The boys go on the basketball court and start playing; Kiara and Robyn watch and laugh.
== Trivia ==
•The image used for the episode didn’t make it into the episode. 
•This is the first time Pip is mentioned in a while. 
•Cartman calls Pip “French”; “Frenchie” was a similar name the boys used to call Pip in the earlier seasons.
•It seems like Robyn is the only one to know about Pip’s death in “201.” Stan even asked what happened to him.
•Cartman says that Butters is better than Pip, a reference to a commentary by creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.
•This was the first time in a while that Craig has flipped anyone off.
•Robyn says her favorite music band is Gorillaz, an English virtual band formed by musician Damon Albarn and artist Jamie Hewlett, from London; Kiara says that her favorite music band is The Cure, an English rock band formed in 1978 in Crawley, West Sussex. 
•Kiara mentions the Child’s Play, Halloween, Stephen King, and A Nightmare on Elm. Street franchises. 
•Kiara also says that hooks are better than movies, a reference to many fans of books preferring to read than watch a movie of the book.