True Etiquette

True Etiquette is the thirteenth episode of Season One in Welcome to Fancyland!. It was written by FireMatch.
==Plot==
Squidward tries to teach Patrick true etiquette so he can live up to his standards.
==Synopsis==
Patrick wakes up from his seventh nap of the day. He gets up, puts his pants on, and goes into the fridge. He takes an entire stick of butter and shoves it into his mouth.
“Nothing like pure gold in the morning,” he says.
Patrick pretends to brush his teeth in front of a mirror, and puts the toothbrush back where it was.
“Brushing your teeth isn’t necessary,” Patrick says. “Besides, yellow means gold! Golden teeth!”
Patrick holds out his hand and breathes on it, then smells it. His eyes crack and fall to the ground.
“Perfection! Now I’m ready for the day.”
Patrick jumps out of his golden rock and walks over to SpongeBob’s house.
“Heya, buddy!” Patrick says to SpongeBob.
“Hello the-” SpongeBob smells Patrick and his nose disintegrates. “Goodness gracious, Patrick, did you even take a shower this morning?”
“I’m a firm believer in not taking showers.”
“Patrick, that’s disgusting!”
“Just the way I like it. You haven’t even noticed my smell before?”
“Patrick, I’ve actually been spraying deodorant around my house. That’s how bad it’s gotten. I forgot to do it this morning.”
“Oh. Well, can I come into your house?”
“I don’t see why not.”
“Great! Now we can play Bubble Kings indoors!”
“Who said we couldn’t?”
“Squidward said so. He knows more about Bubble Kings than we do, probably.”
The two go inside SpongeBob’s house, and Gary immediately hides in his shell when he smells Patrick.
“Alright, let’s play!” Patrick declares. “I hope I can become a private king someday.”
Meanwhile, Squidward is cooking hash browns for himself.
“Ah, the morning isn’t complete without a little breakfast,” he says to himself. “Golden brown, just the way I-”
Squidward heards giggling in SpongeBob’s house.
“...like it. Wait here, hash browns. I’ll come back for you after my vengeance.”
Squidward leaves the hash browns cooking, and goes up to SpongeBob’s door and knocks on it.
“I bet that’s our buddy pal Squidward!” Patrick says. “I’ll get it!”
Patrick opens the door to see an angry Squidward. Squidward takes a deep breath for his huge speech, when Patrick’s bad hygiene knocks the air out of him.
“Patrick Repugnant Star!” Squidward says. “I have no idea if that’s your middle name, but it might as well be after what just happened! Take a shower, for the sake of my sanity.”
“I haven’t taken a shower since… umm…” Patrick tries to recall the last time he took a shower, but all that appears is an error screen.
Patrick’s brain starts to overload with stress.
“Why do I feel an earthquake?” one of the mini Patricks in his brain says.
“This tremor can only mean one thing,” another one says. “STRESS OVERLOAD!”
“Quick, hide for shelter!” the other mini Patrick yells.
All of the mini Patricks hide behind a small stack of cards, but the stack is quickly shaken down.
“We’re doomed!”
Patrick is stuck in a vegetative state.
“I think Patrick is broken,” Squidward says.
“Nuh, uh, just let him sort it out himself,” SpongeBob insists.
Patrick’s brain’s earthquake suddenly stops.
“Is it safe?” one of the mini Patricks asks.
“I believe so,” another one says.
“Hallelujah! Now to go back to drooling all over the floor,” another one says.
“Gross, that was you?”
All the mini Patricks except the drooler run out of the brain and fall out of Patrick’s head. Patrick goes back to normal.
“Is Virginia a country? Oh hey SpongeBob,” Patrick says.
“You were in a vegetative state for a bit there, Patrick,” SpongeBob says.
“I was a vegetable? Cool!” Patrick says. “Now let’s get back to Bubble Kings!”
“Patrick, we need to talk,” Squidward says quickly. “Let’s take you somewhere else, where no boneless sponges can eavesdrop.”
Squidward takes Patrick into his house.
“What am I here for?” Patrick asks. “Is this a slumber party?”
“Not quite,” Squidward answers. “I’m here to teach you proper Fancyland etiquette.”
“Fancyland adequate?” Patrick says. “Oh boy!”
“Not adequate, you bonehead. Etiquette. It means manners, basically,” Squidward informs him.
“Mind over manners!” Patrick says. “I get it!”
Squidward puts his hands over his face and groans. “This will take a while…”
Cut to Squidward showing Patrick how to do “proper” table etiquette.
“Now, watch closely,” Squidward says. “You take the moon and you take the- wait wrong saying.”
“And take everything that seems like fun!” Patrick says.
“No, not that!” Squidward says. “You take the spoon and you put it in the food, like this.”
Squidward uses the spoon to scoop up some soup from the bowl sat in front of Patrick, and sips.
“Now, you try.”
“Okay…” Patrick is given Squidward’s spoon, but immediately drops it. “Sorry, I ate too much butter this morning.”
Squidward groans.
Cut to Squidward teaching Patrick how to open a door for someone.
“Now, Patrick, we’re gonna learn how to open a door for another person,” Squidward says. “First, you open the door like so.”
Squidward opens the door he made out of cardboard.
“Then, you let the person walk through. In this case, it’s this very lovely rich lady who I totally didn’t find off a sketchy website.”
Squidward takes a cardboard cutout of a rich lady and slides her through the door.
“Thank you, kind sir!” Squidward says, pretending to be the lady.
“You’re welcome,” Patrick says.
“You dolt, I’m the one who let her in,” Squidward says angrily.
“Okay, okay. We’ll do it your way.”
Patrick opens the door for the cardboard lady, and slides her through.
“How was that?” he asks.
“Good,” Squidward says.
“This is working out better than I expected!” Squidward thinks to himself. “I might actually make Patrick a good neighbor!”
“Whatcha thinkin’ about? Toenails?” Patrick asks.
“Let’s move on,” Squidward says.
Cut to Squidward and Patrick sitting at a fancy dinner table.
“This is the final test. If you can get through this, you’re officially a gentleman,” Squidward says.
“A gentleman. Chip chip cheerio!” Patrick says.
“Um… yeah, a gentleman… Now, all you need to do is-”
“Don’t worry, Squidward. I got this. Waiter!”
A waiter suddenly teleports to their table
“Yes, sir?” the waiter says.
“We’re ready to order,” Patrick says.
“I would like the souffle,” Squidward says.
“And I would like the golden souffle,” Patrick says.
“Excellent…-ish choices. We’ll have your food ready soon,” the waiter says. He then leaves.
“That was exceptional,” Squidward says. “You’re now a gentleman, Patrick.”
“Oh boy,” Patrick says, giddy. “Do I get a sticker?”
“Uh, the only stickers I have are cat puns.”
“I’ll take one!”
“Okay. Just remember, Patrick: Don’t play with SpongeBob ever again, or else you won’t be a gentleman. Got it?”
“Uhh… got it.”
Cut to Patrick back at his house. He is seen eating like the true gentleman Squidward wanted him to be.
“Man, I never knew how wrong I was eating this whole time!” Patrick says. “You actually have to use a… fork… to eat this stuff!”
Patrick hears a knock on his rock, and opens it. It’s SpongeBob.
“Ready to play Bubble Kings, Sir Patrick?” SpongeBob laughs.
“That game’s too childish,” Patrick says in a snobby voice. “I prefer Real Kings. Do you have the Real King crown?”
“Real Kings? I had no idea that was a thing,” SpongeBob says. “I wanna play!”
“Oh, sorry, SpongeBob. Squidward said that in order for me to become a true gentleman, I must never play with you again.”
“Squidward?”
“Yeah. Now, go on and play Bubble Kings by yourself. I’m gonna enjoy some nice scones.”
“B-but… but Patrick… I thought we were friends.”
“We are. I just can’t play with you anymore since I’m a gentleman now.”
“Oh… I guess I’ll just leave, wallowing in my own sorrow.”
SpongeBob walks away, sad.
“What has Squidward done to him?” he says to himself. “I need to confront him about this.”
SpongeBob knocks on Squidward’s door. He doesn’t answer, but instead hears the sound of running water.
Inside Squidward’s house, he is partying in the party room.
“Woo-hoo! Go me! Go me!” Squidward yells. “Go self! Go self! You really outdid yourself this time, Squiddy!”
SpongeBob knocks harder. This time, Squidward hears it.
“I bet it’s that SpongeBrat…”
Squidward walks down to the front door and opens it. To no surprise, it’s SpongeBob.
“What the *dolphin chirp* do you want, SpongeBob? I’m enjoying myself here!” Squidward says impatiently.
“Squidward! Language! You know that isn’t proper gentleman etiquette!” SpongeBob says.
“Pssh, since when was swearing like a sailor part of the *dolphin chirp* code?” Squidward says. “Besides, I learned how to talk like a sailor from watching all those pirate movies today. I’ve never had so much spare time in a long time! In fact, me and Patrick plan on watching Robot Pirate Island 35 tonight. It’s gonna be a great time. Too bad you’re not invited.”
“You know TV can rot your brain! Just look at Patrick!”
“Patrick’s a gentleman now. No need to worry. He’s in good hands… erm, tentacles.”
“More like bad tentacles. He doesn’t want to play with me anymore because of you, and I’m not gonna back down!”
“In case you didn’t know, ball of yellow cheese, I don’t really care what you think. I improved your little friend, and now he’s my little friend. Now go away before I call the cops.”
“Listen, Squidward. You must have something deep down in your heart that will let you know that what you did was wrong and help me out. I just know it.”
“Are you kidding? I have no soul.”
Squidward is seen angry in front of a hellish background.
“Squid, wait!”
(Squidward slams the door in front of SpongeBob)
“I guess I have no other choice. Brute force it is,” SpongeBob says to himself.
SpongeBob goes over to Patrick’s rock and lifts it up.
“Hey! I didn’t invite you here! Now get out!” Patrick yells.
“I’m not leaving until you go back to normal,” SpongeBob says.
“I am normal. This is my new normal!”
“No it’s not. It isn’t you. Squidward’s just trying to get us to not play together, like he’s done thousands of times before.”
“Thousands? I don’t remember the last time this ever happened.”
“Well the last time is now. You can’t listen to Squidward. He’s trying to change you. For the worse.”
“For the worse? Oh boy, this is tough…” Patrick contemplates.
“I know you’ll make the right decision, buddy.”
“Should I trust SpongeBob… or Squidward?” Patrick thinks to himself. “SpongeBob… or Squid? Sponge or Squid? Sponge or Squid? Sponge or-”
As he thinks this, SpongeBob is carrying Patrick outside. He doesn't notice until he is sat down on the ground.
“Aww, I was thinking for once!” Patrick says.
“Bubble Kings, now,” SpongeBob says.
“You can’t force me to play this,” Patrick says. “It’s against people’s rights!”
“I prefer people’s lefts. We need more lefties around here. Now, it’s my turn.”
SpongeBob blows a bubble in Patrick’s face, which makes him giggle.
“Okay, that was good. But I’m not playing.”
SpongeBob gets out a jar of hot sauce. He dips his bubble wand into it, and blows a bubble into Patrick’s eye.
“It burns! Ah! Ah! Put it out!” he screams.
“Okay, hold on,” SpongeBob says.
SpongeBob gets out a fire extinguisher. He then dips his bubble wand into it (don’t ask), and blows it into Patrick’s now burning eye.
“Much better. Say, this is fun. Can I burn your eye next?” Patrick says.
“Sure thing.”
Cut to Squidward making himself a gold cheese sandwich.
“Now, where’s the gold cheese?” he says to himself. “I could’ve sworn it was right he-”
He hears laughing outside.
“Are you actually serious right now? Ugh…”
Squidward leaves the oven on while he goes outside to see the commotion.
“Patrick, I thought you were a gentleman now! You aren’t supposed to be playing with CheeseBall over here.”
“If I could choose between calamari and a cheese ball, I choose the cheese ball!” Patrick says.
“Squidward, you did a bad thing. A very very very bad thing! And I can’t forgive you for it… yet,” SpongeBob says.
The screen turns to gray as Squidward narrates:
“And that was yet another catastrophic failure of an attempt to fix this neighborhood. Oh well. See me next time when I learn how to pronounce aluminum.”
(Fade to black)
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