Malarkey in The World of SBFW

Malarkey in The World of SBFW is the sixth episode of Season One of The World of SBFW.
==Transcript==
[Episode begins with SpongeBot watching Channel 5 while eating cereal.]
SpongeBot: Ah, this is the life.
[Cut to CrazySponge buying several new companies while eating cheerios.]
CrazySponge: ah, this is the life
[Cut to Dan jacking off while eating yogurt.]
Dan: Ah, this is the life.
[Cut to Primitive listening to CG Man while eating lasaga.]
Primitive: Ah, this is the life.
[Cut to Golfpecks checking the stock market while having fruit and tea.]
Golfpecks: Ah, this is the life. Blimey! It's gone up by 0.05%!
Golfpecks' Mom: (off-screen) Golfpecks my darling, would you like me to-
Golfpecks: NOT NOW MOTHER! I'm trying to check stocks. Those buffoons in the world of SBFW think they're so smart, but look at me now! I'm backing Biden!
Golfpecks' Mom: Biden? Isn't that the pedophile who sniffs foreheads?
Golfpecks: (sweating) Um… No, mother. Absolutely not.
Golfpecks' Mom: Any big plans for today?
Golfpecks: Well, after I've finished trading stocks and checking in with UFB, that's United's for Biden, affairs I think I'll get back to work on Banana Studios-
Golfpecks' Mom: Don't they make those naughty videos on the internet?
Golfpecks: As a certain person who shall not be named says, wrong. (sigh) I knew I should have picked to live with Father. Banana Studios is a billion dollar titan and one of the world of SBFW's leading companies.
Golfpecks' Mom: Sure it is. I'll be doing laundry if you need me, darling.
[Golfpecks' Mom leaves. The camera pans over to Travis sitting next to Golfpecks.]
Travis: So-
Golfpecks: [screams] What are you doing here? Banana Studios will sue you!
Travis: This is what I do every morning. Check in with my good buddy Golfpecks256.
Golfpecks: Get out or you're fired from Banana Studios!
Travis: Aw, you're no fun.
Golfpecks: You're a blasted buffoon.
[Travis leaves. Theme song.]
Look at that sun, look at that sky,
Look at my sweater vest, it looks so fly!
Look at that mailbox, look at that tree,
It's about as beautiful as it can be!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Today is gonna be exceptional!
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
(We're all living in it)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
[Cut to Polar walking down SBFW Street while eating cereal]
Polar: Ah, this is the life.
[Ace drops down from the sky]
Ace: Heya hon! Wanna read my TWoS rip-off?
Polar: Uhm… (crunch crunch) maybe later.
Ace: Aw, okay.
[He notices CrazySponge and Lock standing together.]
Ace: Hey, Lock! You wanna read my show?
Lock: Sorry, mate. I'm busy right now.
Ace: Aw, okay. How about you, CrazySponge-
CrazySponge: sorry, i just remembered i haven't filled my death quota today
Ace: But it's only the morn-
[CrazySponge jumps in front of a bus and fucking dies.]
Lock: Oh god oh fuck!
Ace: Damn.
Bus Driver: All aboard for SpongeThorne.
[The Hoopla Fish enters the bus and it drives off]
Polar: Dimensional crossover buses? (crunch crunch) I wonder what its next stop will be.
Ace: It's later now. Wanna read it?
Polar: Sorry, no.
Ace: Aw, okay.
[Primitive walks by humming Ocean Man]
Ace: Hey, Prim! Wanna read my TWoS rip- I mean… new show?
Primitive: Uh… I'm gonna sue you.
Ace: Bu- but I gave you free promotion!
Primitive: I don't ca-
Ace: OH YEAH? BRING IT!
[They fight each other. Golfpecks approaches them.]
Golfpecks: Greetings fellow homosapiens. What's happening on this fine day?
[Primitive and Ace stop fighting.]
Primitive: Ace is trying to get us to read his TWoS rip-off!
Ace: Would you like to give my show a try?
Golfpecks: A… show? What's that?
Ace: Oh, come on. You know what a show is.
Golfpecks: No, not really. I've heard people talking about them… but I've never really seen any. What are they like?
Primitive: Ask Polar or some shit. Now, where were we?
Ace: I was gonna punch your face off.
Primitive: Oh, right.
[They go back to fighting.]
Golfpecks: Polar, what is a… "show"?
Polar: You mean you've never made a spin-off before?
Golfpecks: Not really. Is it like music? Because I hate music.
Polar: Uh… in a nutshell spin-offs are just poorly made fanfiction about SpongeBob or people here.
Golfpecks: So, I could make a "show" about politics?
Polar: Yeah, you could, but I'd suggest one about a lesbian fucking a robot. That's where the real shit is!
[Primitive and Ace stop fighting again]
Primitive: Degenerate.
Ace: I think that's… uh… a great idea!
ThePowerOfInfinity: I'll make a logo!
[Primitive punches them.]
Primitive: Degenerates.
[They go back to fighting again.]
Polar: Man. He really gets serious when it comes to his spin-off.
[Cut to the backstage area of a British Fish Productions concert. An employee approaches Travis who is checking Twitter on his phone, sitting on a wooden barrel.]
Employee: Not long until you're back on, Mr. Penile.
Travis: I know. Can you see that Tim gets his coffee?
Employee: I'll try.
[The employee walks off. Golfpecks approaches Travis.]
Travis: Golf? I didn't know you were a fan. Did you get a VIP pass?
Golfpecks: I wouldn't dream of it. You're… my friend, right?
[Travis looks up from his phone.]
Travis: Well, uh… yeah. I check in on your house every morning.
Golfpecks: Good. Naturally a mature individual such as yourself would get along very well with me. That annoying Polar character told me about a new thing today. It's called a "show". Have you heard of it?
Travis: Nah, not really.
Golfpecks: Oh. So, uh, you don't wanna help me make one then? ...with an equal share of everythin
[After a pause Travis bursts out laughing.]
Travis: You want me to make a show with you?! Oh, Golfpecks, I'd be delighted! What's it about?
Golfpecks: I was thinking we could do something along the lines of a political drama. You know, left vs. right, the race to the top, that kind of thing.
Travis: Can we cast Paul Renaud?
Golfpecks: You mean that innocent old man everyone thinks is a pedophile?
Travis: Sure.
Golfpecks: Why not.
Travis: Then I'm in.
Golfpecks: Excellent! We can call it… Malarkey in Bikini Bottom.
Travis: We'll work on it.
Employee: Mr. Penile, you're on now. The band's waiting for you.
Travis: Crack an egg on it, Phillis!
[Travis and Golfpecks begin walking off.]
Employee: Where do you think you're going?!
Travis: To better things! To better things! CAW-CAW!
[Transition to the two standing outside Kelpy G's house.]
Golfpecks: Why are we outside this buffoon's house?
Travis: To make this a success, we're gonna need all the help we can get. And also sexual degeneracy.
[Kelpy G looks down from his window.]
Kelpy G: TRAVIS?! I thought I told you never to show your face around here ever again!!
Travis: Cheer up ol' pal! We're making a show!
Kelpy G: Why should I care?
Travis: Bernie is in it-
[Kelpy G rushes out the door.]
Kelpy G: I'm in.
[Transition to the three standing outside Dan's house.]
Golfpecks: I really don't think we should hire Philly. He's a massive degenerate and he has a hatred of me.
Travis: Don't worry, Golf ol' pal. I'll make sure he doesn't slip up.
[Dan opens the door]
Dan: Travis? Kelpy? GOLF?! Why is this stinking penguin here?
Golfpecks: Actually I am a bana-
Travis: Listen, we're making a show. Are you on or are you out?
Dan: Hmmm… what's it about?
Golfpecks: Politics.
[Dan gets hard.]
Dan: That's hot.
Kelpy G: You might wanna change your pants.
Dan: I know.
[Transition to the four standing outside Primitive's house. CrazySponge's legs are sticking out of it.]
Travis: Why him?
Golfpecks: I hear he makes good cards. (winks at the camera)
[Primitive opens the door]
Primitive: Hm?
Golfpecks: Wanna help in our new show?
Primitive: What's it about?
Travis: Politics.
[Primitive shuts the door]
Kelpy G: Well that went well.
Golfpecks: I guess some people just want to be boring.
Travis: Hey, Primitive! If you join, we'll include Garvel, or Garfil, or whatever his name is. (whispering) We won't.
[Primitive opens the door]
Primitive: Deal!
[Cut to Golfpecks, Travis, Kelpy G, Dan, Primitive, Lock and Aaron approaching a building.]
Primitive: Is it okay that I invited a few people?
Golfpecks: Of course, as Biden would say, "health care to all!".
Aaron: He says that?
Lock: Eh.
Travis: Well, here we are. My office.
[They enter Travis' office to find a sweatshop.]
Aaron: Uh… Travis?
Travis: Yeah?
Aaron: Is this a sweatshop?
[pause]
Travis: No.
[pause]
Travis: Anyway, this will be our base of operations.
Golfpecks: Right. Let's begin work on this new "show"!
[They all cheer. Primitive begins painting the title card, Travis, Kelpy, Dan, and Lock write the episode, Aaron composes the music, and Golfpecks sits back doing nothing but reading a newspaper with the headline "CrazySponge Muted (Again)".]
Golfpecks: Keep up the good work, boys!
Travis: Could you at least do something other than… whatever the fuck you're doing?
Golfpecks: Excuse me, I'm running the "show" here.
Travis: By reading a newspaper?
Golfpecks: It's hard work, you know.
Dan: Come on! Can't you just help a little?
[pause]
Golfpecks: Fine.
[He writes one word and goes back to reading the newspaper]
Golfpecks: Phew. I don't think I can write anymore, I'm pooped.
Travis: Blasted buffoon.
Dan: Hey, if Golfpecks isn't writing anything-
Lock: Yeah?
[Dan gives off an evil laugh.]
Lock: DAN!!!!!
Dan: What?
Lock: Sorry, force of habit. .mute @CrazySponge
NotSoBot: ok, muted CrazySponge#9944
MEANWHILE…
[We see CrazySponge taking a walk down SBFW Street]
CrazySponge: la la la la la- MMPH!
Polar: Looks like CrazySponge got muted again!
[laugh track for whatever fucking reason]
CrazySponge: mm- mmph
[Cut back.]
Kelpy G: Mr. Golfpecks sir?
Golfpecks: Yes?
Kelpy G: I think the first episode is pretty much done.
Golfpecks: Oh goody! We can release it on Banana Studios a-s-a-p. That stands for "as soon as possible", don't you know. I read it in the funny section.
Dan: Banananananananana Studios? No way. How about we release it under Spectromite instead?
Golfpecks: YOU!
Primitive: soulja boy tell em
Kelpy G: No! Kingshire Entertainment!
Travis: I believe the company you're looking for is Pineapple Entertainment.
???: That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.
[The camera pans over to William Leonard.]
Travis: William?
William: Oh, hi, I lurk around the city sometimes and can't help overhearing people talking about the good old days.
[pause]
William: Well I'm just gonna sit here, if you don't mind. Go watch Bikini Bottom Adventures!
Primitive: what about teal horizon
Shitjug: what about my company that doesn't exist
[They all start arguing over whose company the show should be produced by]
Travis: I brought the team together so it should be by my company!
Golfpecks: I'm the one who came up with the… "show", so it should be produced by my company, homeslice!
Kelpy G: Kingshire Entertainment is where it's at!
Travis: It's my sweatshop!
Aaron: I'm in this episode too!
Primitive: i made the card
Shitjug: it's my show too
Dan: I'm gonna jack off!
[pause]
Everyone else: DAN!!!!!
Lock: .unmute @CrazySponge
NotSoBot: ok, muted CrazySponge#9944
Lock: .mute @CrazySponge
NotSoBot: ok, muted CrazySponge#9944
MEANWHILE…
CrazySponge: mmmmmmmph- GASP! i can breathe again! HOOOO- mmmph!
[The Seinfeld theme song begins playing before we abruptly cut back.]
Golfpecks: This is communism! I'm in charge here, so it should be done by my company!
Travis: bitch how is it communism
Golfpecks: This is why I vote for Biden.
Aaron: golf bruh moment
Golfpecks: Maybe it isn't communist, but it's wrong. The "show" is gonna be produced by Banana Studios, no questions asked.
Dan: As long as I get my special breaks, I'm fine with that.
Lock: DAN! Cease this degeneracy or CrazySponge gets muted again!
Dan: What'd I do?
Travis: If that's how you're gonna be, then I'm leaving!
Golfpecks: Alright, fine. You're fired.
Travis: You can't fire me! I just quit!
Lock: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Golfpecks: No, I just fired you.
Travis: What happened to a few weeks' notice?
Golfpecks: Who's in charge here?
[Travis looks down at the script.]
Travis: ...not you?
Golfpecks: Right, this is it. Get off my property.
Travis: bitch this is my-
Golfpecks: I said get off my property!
Kelpy: If that's how you treat others, then I quit as well!
Dan: Me too.
Golfpecks: Alright then, you're both fired.
Travis: What happened to equal rights?
Golfpecks: I'm giving you five seconds before I get serious.
Kelpy G: By doing what?
Dan: Probably by turning into a banana tank. Speaking of banana tanks, I'm gonna head to my house and fire my banana tank.
Lock: ALRIGHT THATS IT
[Lock zooms out of the shed. Cut to SBFW Street where CrazySponge is still muted, Lock appears and beats him up. Cut back to the shed where Lock zooms back in.]
Lock: THAT should teach you a lesson.
Primitive: Lock.
Lock: Yes?
Primitive: Did you just beat up CrazySponge?
[pause]
Lock: No.
[pause]
Golfpecks: As I was saying-
[cut to Travis and Kelpy G being chased off the property by angry penguin Biden supporters.]
Kelpy G: If he wanted us to Teen Titans Go! then he could have just asked.
Travis: No, Kelpy, I know we've had our differences but as a good man would say, this is blasphemy. We have to take the show back!
Kelpy G: I thought you didn't really care about leaving it.
Travis: I don't but I've got nothing better to do.
Kelpy G: You're right
Travis: I am?
Kelpy G: Yeah. I'm gonna go back in there and ask to rejoin!
[Kelpy G walks back into the building and gives a thumbs up through the window. Cut to him lying in a hospital bed.]
Travis: [sighs] That went well. Time to make a proposal.
[Cut to SBFW Street]
Ace: Wanna read it now?
Polar: No.
Ace: How about now?
Polar: No.
Ace: Now?
Polar: No.
Ace: Come on, now?
Polar: No.
Ace: How about now?
Polar: No.
[pause]
Ace: How about-
Pluto: Hey, look! Drama!
[They turn around to find Travis standing on top of a car with a megaphone. A crowd gathers around him.]
Travis: People of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki! You have been cheated and lied to!
[Ponyo pulls his hood over his face.]
Matchy: For fuck's sake, what's happened this time?!
Travis: Golfpecks happened!
Matchy: Why am I not surprised?
Travis: He's kicked me off the show that he gave shared ownership to!
Kelpy G: [through the hospital window] -and me!
Matchy: And this is a problem because…?
Travis: The content ownership policy rightfully states that if someone is given a property, it can be taken back just like [snaps his fingers] that!
Dan: He's right, you know. I read the policy for breakfast.
Travis: This can't happen. This is why I propose that all transactions are final. No take-backs!
[The crowd murmurs in agreement.]
Matchy: Huh. That doesn't actually sound that-
Travis: And this will apply retroactively!
[The crowd falls dead silent for a few seconds.]
Jasbre: Hey, anyone wanna shit on HFB?
[The crowd except Polar and Ace walk off, leaving Travis by himself.]
Ace: You wanna read it now?
[He gets slapped]
Ace: Is that a yes?
[Golfpecks approaches Travis.]
Golfpecks: Travis? What are you doing up at this hour?
Travis: Nothing. Kelpy and I were just trying to get back on the show-
Golfpecks: Absolutely not!
Travis: You are fucking stupid.
Golfpecks: Says the person who's causing all of this.
Travis: WHY YOU LITTLE-
[Travis begins strangling Golfpecks. The crowd of users return repeatedly chanting the word "fight". Cut to Golfpecks in a hospital bed next to Kelpy G.]
Kelpy G: What you in here for?
Golfpecks: Alright fine, you can come back on the show.
Travis and Kelpy G: Yay!
Golfpecks: -if you don't end up in the bed next to me.
[Cut to Matchy entering a bar. She sits on the counter with Lock and Primitive.]
Bartender: The usual?
Matchy: Uh huh.
[Lock and Primitive give Matchy a weird look.]
Matchy: What? Being Aidan's second-man isn't easy, it was only natural that I started taking up drinking.
Primitive: I see.
Lock: shut up
Matchy: Anyway, what was all that drama about the other day?
Primitive: What drama?
Lock: Do you mean the one with CrazySponge, or the one with Jasbre, or the one with-
Matchy: Golfpecks again.
Primitive: I see.
Lock: Oh, there've been arguments between Travis and him about their new show.
Matchy: What new show?
Lock: Exactly.
Primitive: Golfpecks sits around and does fuck all!
Lock: It just gets very overheated.
Primitive: Hence why we're here.
[The bartender walks up to them and gives them their drinks.]
Bartender: There you go. One Breakfast Bacon-tini, one Garviel Cocktail, and one Oh God Oh Fuck Vodka.
Lock: Thanks.
[Primitive starts drinking his Garviel Cocktail.]
Primitive: Ah, Garviel has never tasted so good.
[The others look at him]
Primitive: Uh… And I mean that in a non-sexual way. (He continues drinking)
Matchy: Sure.
Lock: shut up (She takes a sip of her Oh God Oh Fuck Vodka) I can really taste the house.
Matchy: As you were saying?
[Primitive and Lock look at each other over their drinks.]
Lock: We were saying something?
Primitive: Oh, oh, that's the stuff. BARTENDER, LET'S HAVE ANOTHER ROUND OVER HERE
Lock: Nevermind he's drunk.
Matchy: o
Bartender: (sighs and turns to Matchy) He gets off to this the same way you get off in class.
[Matchy smashes her glass with her hand.]
Matchy: (angry) Okay! Who got the bartender in on this joke?!
[Dan whistles in the background. Cut to Travis, Kelpy G, Lock and Aaron writing another episode. Golfpecks is sitting in the corner "helping" again. A drunk Primitive is painting the card]
Primitive: CG Man… fire me in… the ass… cock gun.
Lock: This could be going better.
Aaron: Nah, I'm enjoying this.
Golfpecks: Keep up the good work, boys! At this rate we'll hit the DEADLINE 🚨🚨🚨🚨 no problem!
Primitive: I'm… I'm helping, Mrs. Banana! (He bangs his head against the canvas, destroying it.)
Kelpy G: Golf, don't you want to check up on the title card or anything?
Golfpecks: I'm sure it's fine.
Kelpy G: No, I mean you really should check up on the-
Golfpecks: I said it's fine.
Primitive: Yeah, Gelpy K! It's fiiiinnnneeeeee… (He falls to the ground)
Golfpecks: Keep up the good work!
Travis: That's it! Kick the damn cat out.
Golfpecks: Hey! Who gave you authority in here?
Travis: ...you did?
Primitive: Oh… yeah. Kick me harder… daddy.
Travis: Kick him out.
[Primitive gets kicked out by Kelpy G and Dan.]
Primitive: Take it to the fridge!
Golfpecks: What was that for?
Kelpy G: He wasn't helping.
Golfpecks: I'm not helping!
[pause]
Golfpecks: I mean-
Travis: I say kick the penguin too!
All except Golfpecks: Yeah!
Golfpecks: Hey! This is fascism! You can't kick me out!
Travis: If you can fire me, I can fire you. Kick him out, boys!
[Cut to Golfpecks being booted out the window. He lands on top of Primitive.]
Primitive: Hi, how are ya.
Golfpecks: SBFW has ruined me. The diabolical Travis Penile and Kelpy G need to find something to do other than mocking me for a living.
Primitive: If SBFW has ruined you, then leave. Go to The World of ESB or something.
Golfpecks: Nah, that's too simple. I need to change tactics.
Primitive: Is this foreshadowing for the season finale?
[Cut to Golfpecks standing on top of a car with a megaphone. A crowd gathers around him.]
Golfpecks: People of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki! You have been cheated and lied to!
Travis: Hey! That's what I-
Golfpecks' Mom: Golfpecks, sweetie?! What do you think you're doing up there?! Get down right this instant!
Travis: Talk about awkward, folks.
Golfpecks: Shut up mother! I'm about to do something!
Elli: that's what she said
Travis: Look, Golfpecks. You're obviously losing here. Just accept defeat!
Golfpecks: No!
Golfpecks' Mom: Golfpecks? Listen to the kind man and get down!
Golfpecks: Kind man?! You think Travis is a kind man, mother? He's a communist!
Travis: i mean you called me a fascist earlier make up your fucking mi-
Golfpecks: He kicked me off my "show"!
Travis: Hey, that reminds me of something-
Matchy: Guys, can't we just go one day without drama?
Travis and Golfpecks: No!
Primitive: drama is funny, hee hee
Lock: shut up (She slaps Primitive)
Primitive: Oh. Good morning everyone.
Golfpecks: I'm not gonna take that trash from some stupid Bernie supporter! I went to Harvard.
Travis: Pfft, sure. I learnt more from Mr. Renaud than anyone probably learnt there.
Golfpecks' Mom: Harvard? You're barely even out of elementary.
Golfpecks: Shut up, mother!
Paul Renaud: Barely out of elementary, you say?
[He gets a bulge in his pants]
Dan: At least he's older than CrazySponge.
[laugh track]
CrazySponge: mmph.
Travis: Even if you did go to Harvard, what are you doing here arguing with a bunch of teenagers?
Golfpecks: I- uhh… Anyway, I… have something to attend to.
Travis: Is it raping strawberries?
Dan: Nah, it's killing Palestinians.
Matchy: Look Golf, this constant drama just needs to stop. Why can't you all just shake hands and get along?
Primitive: Because that's boring, Mr. I Milk My Tiny Cock In Class. (Matchy frowns) The people want action. They want drama, and I want another Garviel Cocktail.
Matchy: Me too. Except I don't want a Garviel Cocktail, I want a Breakfast Bacon-tini.
Primitive: Well, you should really try-
Golfpecks: Enough of this blasphemy! Either talk about this, or get out.
[Everyone walks away]
Travis: I'm sorry, were you saying something Mr. Pecks?
Golfpecks: (sigh) That's it. I can't stand this blasphemy any longer. I am making my OWN fanon wiki. It will be way better than this garbage wiki! I'll call it… Fanonia SpongeBobia.
Travis: Fleeing while you still can, eh?
Lock: I didn't know you were Canadian.
[Primitive sighs.]
Travis: Well I, uh… wish you good luck.
Golfpecks: Thanks.
Travis: I guess this is goodbye?
Golfpecks: Of course not! We all know I'm in the right here!
Dan: (whispering) As he always is.
Travis: Your usual tricks won't work this time, peckers!
Golfpecks: Oh, they will. (rubs his hands together like a James Bond villain) Now, does anyone know how I get off this planet?
SpongeBot: That's the thing, nobody really knows.
Golfpecks: You what?
SpongeBot: I've been stuck here for years begging to leave.
Polar: Well I mean you could use that conveniently placed rocket beside you.
[The camera pans over to a banana-shaped rocket beside Golfpecks. Dan is holding the door open.]
Golfpecks: Oh. [He enters the rocket] Well, I guess I'll see you all soon.
SpongeBot: Wait, take me with you!
[Golfpecks slams the door in SpongeBot's face and he takes off.]
SpongeBot: NOOOOOO!!
Golfpecks: Ha, ha! So long motherflippers!
Travis: That's… oddly not Golfpecks.
[Golfpecks disappears]
Primitive: Well, what now?
Lock: Well the penguin's gone.
Matchy: I'm down for another pint if anyone wants to come.
Primitive: Eh, sure.
[Everyone follows Matchy off the screen. Cut to Golfpecks in his rocket.]
Golfpecks: Poor fools. Little do they know soon, there will be no more trolls in the FANON Galaxy. Because, really, trolls need to shut the fuck up.
[The rocket's fuel indicator starts blinking.]
Golfpecks: Sh-
[End.]
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