Nintendo Smart TV Integrated Home Entertainment Hub

The Nintendo Smart TV Integrated Home Entertainment Hub is a specialized entertainment appliance (Hub) that centrally connects one or more displays and audio devices to up to 69 media devices or consoles, with the ability to control everything connected to it (Spokes) along with internet connectivity and integration with Nintendo’s own handheld consoles. The Hub was intended to simplify installation and control of the increasing number of devices that consumers owned. The Hub also offered backwards compatibility with virtually every peripheral produced since 1984.
The Hub was marketed aggressively marketed prior to and after its release in October of 2009 and it became the best-selling device produced by Nintendo that wasn’t specifically a gaming console.
Unfortunately, despite its commercial success, the fucking thing didn't do what it was goddamn supposed to and it was universally despised and if people had the physical strength to pick it up, they'd have thrown the fucking pieces of shit into the fucking streets. Because of this, Nintendo said, "Yo fuck this shit, you motherfuckers don't deserve this goddamn thing," and the Hub was discontinued after 6 months.
=Design and Development=
Jimoito "Jim" Nintendo, the chairman at the time, recognized that consumers were purchasing more and more devices and keeping their older consoles for longer, and that this had caused so called "conflicts of connectivity" when it came to which devices consumers chose to plug into their TVs. He also predicted that because of this, consumers would opt to own more than one TV for the sake of convenience. He directed engineers to begin working on an appliance that would handle all connectivity needs and simplify control of those devices connected to it, as well as offer more flexibility and new, unique uses for those consumers who had already purchased a second TV.
Soon afterward, the engineers produced a prototype with a total of 6 inputs and 2 outputs, all controlled by a single simple remote control. Upon inspecting the device, Nintendo asked, "What the fuck is this shit? Did you morons not hear what I said? I did not say 'lots of devices,' I fucking said 'ALL THE DEVICES'!" He then picked up the prototype and threw it through what he believed was a plate glass window, but was actually a rolling dry erase board.
Engineers were ordered to revise their design to accommodate every device the chairman currently owned, which totaled 69 consoles and media devices and computers spanning nearly 3 decades of collection. The next prototype was a hulking behemoth of a box with over 160 individual inputs and outputs, 4 powerful, custom Digital Signal Processors from Texas Instruments, and support for control schemes that ranged from remotes, gamepads, and PC peripherals. The size of the Hub measured 32x24x18 inches, and weighed nearly 100 pounds, owing to the massive heatsinks and enormous high-current power supply. This meant that the appliance had to be professionally installed, and a dedicated 220 volt circuit had to be run to the device.
Again, the chairman was the first to inspect the appliance, but this time he was satisfied with the design and approved it for manufacture. When asked in an interview about his reaction to seeing it for the first time, he said, "It felt like a lightning bolt struck the tip of my dick."
=Functions=
On paper, the Hub would allow users to connect any and all devices they owned it and set it up to display the video signals from any of them on up to 19 displays, while routing audio to up to 11 audio devices, including 3 headphones. The whole system could be controlled from a single Hub Universal remote that was included with the Hub, or up to 7 separate remotes, as well as with keyboards, mice, gamepads, joysticks, and other input devices connected through USB ports, legacy Nintendo controller ports, and several other ports. There were even plans to introduce motion and voice controls, though the device was discontinued before the updates were planned to be released.
In reality, connecting devices to the Hub was a fucking pain in the taint and if you weren't a goddamn rocket scientist, you basically had zero fucking chance of getting shit hooked up to the right goddamn holes in the back of the piece of shit. The Hub Universal remote was a fucking mystifying mess of over 90 buttons, not including the 2 knobs, 2 sliders, and the fucking touchpad on the bottom of the fucking remote. Opting to use your own remotes or any combination of other devices to control the fucking box meant you had to program every last goddamned button on whatever the fuck you were trying to hook up, and sometimes the fucking thing would just forget the programming for no fucking reason.
If by some fucking miracle you got anything hooked up to it and somehow divined how to turn the cocksucker on, many users were greeted with cryptic goddamn error codes, blank screens, or fucking straight up hieroglyphics or some shit. One user remarked on an internet forum at the time:
=Marketing and Reception=
The Hub was aggressively marketed over the course of several advertising campaigns, starting with a teaser campaign that debuted in early 2009. A nondescript black box was depicted against a dark background along with a barely visible Nintendo logo, along with one of many different taglines, including "You're not gonna fuckin' believe this" "Hold onto your tits" and "Wait'll you see this shit"
Later in the year, at the annual Nintendo Detainment and Reeducation Camp Alumni Day, Masuhina Nintendo, Vice President of Product Propaganda, formally announced the Smart TV Integrated Home Entertainment Hub along with explicit orders for everyone in attendance to purchase the device immediately, despite her previous announcement stating that the Hub would not be available for another three months.
Another advertising campaign was launched at the same time, officially revealing the Hub to the general public. Images were more detailed but the verbiage of the ads remained vague, carrying slogans such as "Just fucking buy it" "What is this shit supposed to be" "It's for the Wii? I don't fucking know."
Two weeks prior to release, preorders were opened at most major retailers and despite most consumers not even knowing what the Hub was, thanks in large part to the lack of information available even on Nintendo's own website and ads, retailers reported record preorder numbers and waitlists. Best Buy CEO, Golf Chaddingham, said in an interview that, "people were so fucking desperate they were paying to get put on the waitlist, they were actually fucking paying for that bullshit."
After its release, critic and consumer reviews began to pour in from around the globe and the reception was nearly unanimous: This fucking hunk of shit sucks balls. Despite this, nearly 70% of consumers and almost every professional reviewer still recommended the Hub, many doing so even after admitting that they themselves did not know what the Hub did or how to use it.
Below are some select quotes from reviews:
=Criticisms=
Below is a partial list of criticisms or complaints compiled by the Coalition of Americans who are Suing Nintendo Even Though We're Not Sure Why or What We Were Supposed To Expect In The First Place (CAWASNETWNSWWWWSTEITFP) a group pursuing a class action suit over like false advertising or faulty engineering or something I dunno.
Location 	Complaint
Tampa, FL 	Blue screen only shows some shit like "AV input 9 sync fail, Restarting in 5s" but never fucking restarts
Farnsworth, IL	DIGITAL CAMERA WONT FUCKING CONNECT, TV SAYS NO INPUT, NEED SOME FUCKIN HELP HERE
Waverly, CA 	I'd like to think I'm pretty handy with technology but the Hub is a fucking mystery to me. I wish I could get it to fucking stop saying "header data not recognized, please update firmware"
Taggimee, SC 	Light on front of box will not stopp blinking, it's as bright as a spotlight! I can't sleep anymore!
Barlow, TX 	I think Nintendo sent me the wrong thing. It's just a plastic cube with different numbers of dots on different sides. I mean it's fun to roll around and see what number I get but I don't know if this is worth the $999 I paid for it.
Sanders, ND 	THE FUCKING BUZZING SOUND MADE MY DOG GO CRAZY AND HE JUMPED OUT OF THE WINDOW AND NOW HE WONT STOP EATING THE GODDAMNED GRAVEL FROM MY DRIVEWAY
Provo, UT 	screen flashed white couple times, tried to select hdmi 7 on remote, screen flashed blue then error message showed up but its all gibberish
Naruto, WA 	After resting the unit on my lap I found out that I had become sterile. I'll never have sex.
McLean, VA 	We contracted numerous units from Nintendo of America (N.o.A.), Ltd. and after receiving numerous seemingly defective modules we realized what we had failed to do was use the power receptical to plug the unit into mains power. We are satisfied with the units now and are very pleased with the build quality. After subjegating the units to 60kPSI we were pleased to see the unit still operating.
Cleveland, OH 	How do you eat it?
=Discontinuation=
Contrary to popular belief, the decision to discontinue the Hub was actually not because of its notorious unusability or the public's opinion of it; instead, the decision was made because the sole supplier of the 50 pin SCSI port, Big Boiz II Manufacturing, suffered a devastating fire at their only factory, leaving Nintendo with no more SCSI ports aside from their on-hand supply. Rather than compromise the chairman's glorious vision, the Hub manufacturing facility was shut down and the engineering team responsible for creating it were all executed in a public display.
=Specifications=
While many specifications of the Hub were not made known publicly, enthusiasts and independent engineers have identified many internal components and their functions, and inferred other specifications based on this information.
==Input==
Display:
*HDMI (15)
*DisplayPort (2)
*VGA (2)
*DVI (2)
*RCA/Composite (7)
*Component/YPBPR (4)
*SCART (3)
*Coax/NTSC/PAL/SECAM/ATSC/DVB-C (2)
*BNC (4)
*S-Video (3)
Audio:
*RCA Stereo (Red/White) (5)
*RCA Stereo Audio/Red-White (4)
*TOSLink optical (4)
*Digital Audio Coax (2)
*3.5mm Analog Stereo Aux (2)
*1/4” Analog Stereo Jack (2)
*MIDI (2)
*XLR Microphone Input (2)
*1/4” Line Level Input (2)
Controller Ports:
*NES (2)
*SNES (2)
*Nintendo 64 (4)
*GameCube(4)
*Wii peripheral port (4)
==Output==
*HDMI (6)
*DisplayPort (2)
*VGA (2)
*RCA/Composite Video (2)
*SCART (1)
*BNC (4)
*Coax/NTSC/PAL/SECAM/ATSC/DVB-C (2)
*RCA Audio (4)
*TOSLink Optical (2)
*Digital Audio Coax (2)
*3.5mm Line Level Output (1)
*1/4" Amplified Headphone Jack (2)
*IR Blaster (2)
==Data/Throughput==
*USB 3.0 (2)
*USB 2.0 (8)
*Firewire 800 (2)
*10/100/1000 Ethernet (2)
*56K Dialup Modem (2)
*eSATA (2)
*PS/2 ports for keyboard/mouse (6)
*AT Keyboard (2)
*RS232 Serial Port (2)
*DB25 Serial/COM (2)
*36 Pin Parallel (1)
*SCSI (2)
*HP-IL (2)
*MiniDIN 8 pin (1)
*Game port (2)
*SC Fiber Optic Connector (1)
*ST Fiber Optic Connector (1)
*Game Link Cable Gen 1 (4)
*Game Link Cable Gen 2 (4)
*Game Link Cable Gen 3 (4)
*Infrared IO/IRDA receiver/transmitter (2)
*802.11G Wifi
*Bluetooth
*900MHz intercom
==Processing/Post-Processing==
*CPU: 4 Unspecified Texas Instruments Digital Signal Processors
*RAM: 2GB DDR2-ECC SODIMM, expandable to 4GB
*Storage: Up to 320GB IDE Hard Drive + up to 2GB external SD card + 4GB DVD-RAM Slot
*Graphics: Custom ATI All-in-Wonder
*Blast Processing: 4x
*Real Mode: Yes
*Mode 7: Yes (Legacy Mode 6 protocol)
*DRM Support: HDCP, RealMedia, PoB2
*Sound Processor: Custom Turtle Beach chipset
*External Power Supply:
**Input:
**210-250VAC
**Up to 30A (nominal 18A)
**Output:
**41VAC
**Up to 161A (nominal 96A)