A New Legacy (of Shit)

A New Legacy (of Shit) is the 17th episode of The World of SBFW and the fifth episode of season two. The episode released on March 14, 2022 as part of that year's PI Day celebrations.
== Transcript ==
In a world where SpongeBob fanfiction is just grand,
And degeneracy runs rampant all throughout the land
Let me greet you a world full of splendor and misery
The World of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki…
A world where the villain of the First World War is named Golf
Zoltan's got nothing under there 'cause Dan chopped 'em off
Biggest company, last name Productions, first name Box
I promise you that S-B-F-W will rock your socks
Jasbre, he's a crooked duck, and AceBlueWolfe's falling in love
Prim and Polar wrote this show, but writing a theme song was tough
Aaron, Travis, Kelpy, Purple, Liz, it's never enough
Viewer discretion advised - in this world, it can get real rough
But if you'd want to follow through and see what antics await you
Then keep on watching, I dare you
The Woooooorld of SBFW!
[The episode begins with CrazySponge taking a walk, because we've never started an episode like that before.]
CrazySponge: it is a nice day for walking today
Dan: Indeed it is, Mr. Sponge.
[CrazySponge yelps. Pan over to Dan walking behind him.]
CrazySponge: DAN?! we barely see you outside your building
Dan: You just saw me outside my building last episode.
CrazySponge: well yes that is true but what are you doing outside
Dan: I'm doing a little thing called "touching grass", something I doubt you do often.
CrazySponge: o
[Awkward pause.]
Dan: Anyway, I'm going to the local Hooters.
CrazySponge: WE HAVE A HOOTERS?? since when?
Dan: Since two lines ago we do.
CrazySponge: can i go with you
Dan: No.
CrazySponge: WHAT?! WHY NOT?!
Dan: Because that is sexually degenerate.
CrazySponge: B-BUT DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING THERE?!
Dan: Yes.
CrazySponge: what are these double standards of yours
Dan: I have no clue what you're talking about.
[Dan leaves.]
CrazySponge: ughhhhhh, i am going to that hooters whether he likes it or not, and then im probably gonna buy it.
[CrazySponge very heterosexual-ly skips along to keep up with Dan.]
CrazySponge: hey! hey! wait up!
Dan: What do you want?! I told you you're not coming!
CrazySponge: why cant i come?
Dan: I already told you, you pervert.
CrazySponge: i may be a pervert but at least im not dirty minded.
Dan: Press X to doubt.
CrazySponge: im not as perverted as you, anyway.
[Dan gasps.]
Dan: MR. SPONGE!! Why I oughta punish you for speaking such blasphemous claims!
CrazySponge: puni-
[Dan kicks CrazySponge into the stratosphere.]
Dan: (wipes his hands) A good kick should teach him his lesson.
[Dan keeps hurriedly walking along to the brand new World of SBFW Hooters. A large crowd of press and paparazzi are outside the restaurant. CrazySponge, with dust all over himself, runs up to Dan.]
CrazySponge: (out of breath) hey, what was that for?
Dan: You say that as if you don't get kicked ten times a minute anyway.
CrazySponge: well… it was still rude…. hey, (points to the press) what are they doing here?
Dan: (rolls eyes and sighs) Ugh, do you really wanna know?
[CrazySponge excitedly nods his head up and down.]
Dan: Okay, fine… I didn't want you to come because today it just so happens that a world famous basketball player is visiting The World of SBFW. She's shooting a condom advert or something, I don't know.
CrazySponge: lebron james?
Dan: It's a woman, you nitwit.
CrazySponge: is she hot?
Dan: Oh…. you have no fucking idea mate.
CrazySponge: can i go with you?
Dan: The answer is still no.
[Dan kicks CrazySponge again. He pushes his way through the crowd of press and paparazzi and into the restaurant.]
Dan: Hey, coming through! Very important bureaucrat coming through!
[The camera pans over across the restaurant, revealing Lola Bunny sitting at one of the tables. Dan's pupils turn into love hearts and that awooga thing that happens in the cartoons happens. Dan slaps himself out of it.]
Dan: (to himself) Get a hold of yourself, Daniel! You have to act normal or all the women are gonna think you're some kind of lunatic!
[Jess walks up to Dan in a Hooters uniform.]
Jess: Hey, um… I'm sorry but we're all full up at the moment. But we should be all free in about three hours if that's okay with you?
Dan: Three hours? Agh! But I want to bang Lola NOW!
Jess: Well, heh, sorry.
Dan: What are you doing here anyway?
Jess: My mum told me to get a summer job.
Dan: It's almost spring.
Jess: (sighs) I know. NOW GET OUT!
[Jess kicks Dan out of the Hooters and shuts the door behind him. CrazySponge is standing next to him.]
CrazySponge: lol loser
Dan: Shut up, damn fool.
[Inside the restaurant, Lola Bunny gets out of her seat and starts walking out.]
Dan: No! She's leaving!
CrazySponge: who's-
Dan: FUCK OFF ALREADY!!!
[Dan kicks CrazySponge yet again.]
Dan: I need to find a way to sneak inside so I can get myself some glistening bunny girl juices…
[Mr. Renaud falls from the roof.]
Mr. Renaud: Believe me, I've tried.
Dan: Mr. Renaud?! What are you doing here?
Mr. Renaud: Heard one of the waiters was underage. Couldn't help myself.
[A lightbulb shaped like a dick appears over Dan's head. Cut to Mr. Renaud entering the restaurant.]
Jess: Hey, I'm sorry sir but you need a reservation if you want to- Mr. Renaud?
Mr. Renaud: Oh hey there kiddo! And might I say how fine you are looking this particular evening.
[Dan sneaks past the counter and into the main eating area of the restaurant.]
Dan: Bingo! I'm in!
Liz: Hey that's my channel!
Dan: What are you doing here?
Liz: Lesbian stuff.
CrazySponge: thats weird
Dan: HOW DO YOU KEEP APPEARING EVERYWHERE?!
[Pan over to Lola's table. She is just standing up to leave.]
Lola Bunny: Alright, it was nice hanging out with y'all, but I gotta be back on set for my stupid commercial thing in like half an hour. Ugh…
Dan: Lola, wait!
[Dan rushes over to Lola's table.]
Lola Bunny: Oh great, another one of those creepy Reddit guys.
Dan: Creepy Reddit guys? I'll have you know I work out daily, and only go on Reddit every two weeks.
Lola Bunny: What do you want?
[Pause.]
Dan: I dunno, I never thought I'd get this far.
Lola Bunny: Huh. Well… if that's all, I shall be on my way.
[Lola begins walking off again, but Dan stops her.]
Dan: WAIT!!!! Please don't go! I've waited my whole life to meet you! …only a year actually, BUT STILL!
Lola Bunny: You must have a pretty shitty life then.
Dan: You have no idea.
Lola Bunny: Give me one good reason why I should let you talk.
Dan: I, uh… I, uh… I don't know.
[Pause.]
Lola Bunny: Meh, that's a better reason than all the other boys have given me. Go on.
Dan: Phew, alright… so, hi Lola. I'm your biggest fan! And, um… I would REALLY really like it if you could, um, maybe… maybe give me some of your glistening girl juices?
[Pause.]
Lola Bunny: Ugh, I knew it. You're just like all of the other boys. Everyone only likes me for my looks!
Dan: No, no, you see I'm different! You should see me in bed, I'm like the opposite of Kelpy G!
Lola Bunny: This has been a lovely talk, but I've got places to be. Goodbye.
[Lola continues walking off again.]
Dan: No, no! Please don't go! I- uh… I can… um… I can prove to you I'm not like the others!
[Lola stops in her tracks, and slowly turns around.]
Lola Bunny: …really?
Dan: Uh-huh.
[Pause.]
Lola Bunny: Hmm… this should be interesting. Alright, one week from today you and I are gonna play a little game called basketball.
CrazySponge: BASKETBALL?!
Dan: I TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF!
[Dan throws CrazySponge out the window.]
Lola Bunny: Mmm-hmm, basketball. 
Liz: Basketball? You mean like in Space Jam?
Jess: And the hit sequel Space Jam: A New Legacy! There's also Teen Titans Go! See Space Jam for the diehard fans.
Lola Bunny: Will you let me explain? Dan and I are gonna play some basketball.
Dan: How do you know my na-
Lola Bunny: If you win, I will let you do me. If I win, you leave me the fuck alone for the rest of your life. I don't even want to see your name in my Instagram comments section. You understand?
[Pause.]
Dan: Deal.
[The two shake hands.]
CrazySponge: get on to the sex already
Dan: I've kicked you, like, how many times, and I've even defenestrated you, and YOU'RE STILL STALKING ME?
CrazySponge: do you have any better suggestions?
Dan: Why don't you go… uh, I dunno… try and fail to flirt with that girl from A Goofy Movie?
CrazySponge: GREAT IDEA!
[CrazySponge leaves Dan the fuck alone.]
Lola Bunny: Remember, in one week from now, meet me at the World of SBFW Stadium. Good luck. You're gonna need it.
[Lola leaves. Dan stares at her.]
Dan: …what a pickle I've gotten myself into.
CrazySponge: do you even know how to play basketball?
Dan: I TOLD YOU TO-
CrazySponge: flirt, yeah, i know. turns out she's taken.
Dan: Then, uh… go write another unfunny episode of that "Hoopla's Fantastic Bitch" or whatever it's called.
CrazySponge: unfu-
Dan: BYE BYE!
[Dan kicks CrazySponge again.]
Dan: He'll probably be back any second now.
[Pause.]
Dan: …any second now.
[Two hours later…]
Dan: …fuck this, I'm gonna go learn how to play basketball.
[Cut to Dan walking down the street.]
Dan: But how the hell am I gonna learn how to learn basketball in the span of a week in this shithole of a world?
[Pan to the Pacific Ocean Basketball Administration Center (better known as POBA) right beside Dan.]
Dan: Ah, convenient. 
[He enters the center. We see a bunch of users in basketball outfits failing to play basketball.]
Not-Joe: Checkmate.
Pluto: This is Basketball.
[Pause. Not-Joe throws the basketball on the ground and storms off.]
Not-Joe: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CHRIST PLUTO!!!
Dan: Ah, not so convenient.
[Luis suddenly steps out, in a referee uniform, and blows a whistle.]
Luis: Come on people! We need to get ourselves together if we're gonna take on the High Flying Hooplas next week!
Pluto: It's Aidan's team, how hard could it be?
Luis: He's the richest guy in the city, he can buy his way out of anything.
CrazySponge: its true i can
Dan: …I'm not even gonna question you at this point. Anyway, Luis, I need your help. I need to learn how to play basketball in the span of a week.
Luis: Ah, we're doing some Space Jam plotline this week?
Dan: …in a nutshell.
Luis: Welp, you've certainly come to the right place. (blows whistle again) Alright guys, next week's game against the High Flying Hooplas is off!
CrazySponge: (punches the air with his fist) FUCK YEAH! AUTOMATIC WIN!
Luis: So… who are we playing against?
Dan: The Tune Squad.
Luis: …fuck.
[Cut to the stadium's locker room. Dan is sitting down on a bench while Luis worriedly paces around.]
Luis: Ugh… I'm having real second thoughts about this dude. I know the Tune Squad and… well, they're pretty good.
Dan: They're a bunch of lunatic cartoon characters and we're a bunch of no-life degenerate SpongeBob fanfiction writers. How hard can it be?
Luis: You don't understand, do you? They were coached by THE Michael Jordan! And then they did some shitty thing with LeBron James, but still! I actually met LeBron James when we were making Basket Sponge.
Dan: Look, if you can help me win this game then I get to fuck the hottest cartoon bunny in the multiverse! …I, I mean I'm not sure what you would get out of it, but I guess I could slide you a Life in Bikini Bottom dildo or something.
Luis: …hmm, interesting proposition. Alright, I'll see what I can do, but I'm not making any promises.
Dan: THANK YOU, LUIS!!!
Luis: Well, now we have to train you up so you can win against whoever you're playing against.
Dan: It won't be easy. They're the BEST basketball player I know of. And it's not just because they play basketball, you know.
[Cut to the two, and the rest of Luis' team, in the main stadium.]
Luis: So, have you ever played Basketball before?
Dan: Duh.
Luis: Well, that's a better start than everyone else on this team I guess.
CrazySponge: HEY!
Luis: Speaking of the team, I put some posters out this morning for some new tryouts. I thought the extra support might help you with your game, you know.
[Jasbre walks in.]
Jasbre: Oh hey, is this where the tryouts are?
Dan: Jasbre? I didn't know you played Basketball.
Jasbre: Oh I don't, I just want to meet our lord and saviour Daffy Duck.
Jess: Really? The guy thinks the age of consent is "dethpicable".
Jasbre: Case and point.
[Daddy Pig walks in.]
Daddy Pig: Hello everyone!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig has come to try out for the basketball team.
Luis: Okay, maybe the tryouts were a bad idea.
Daddy Pig: What do you mean? I'm a bit of an expert at throwing down on the court!
Dan: I… highly doubt that.
Luis: Ohhhhhhhkaaaaayyyyyyy… (starts dribbling a basketball) try and tackle this off of me, Daddy Pi-
[Daddy Pig grabs the basketball from Luis, dribbles it over to the net on the over side of the court, and scores a slam dunk.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Wow! Daddy Pig has successfully thrown the basketball into the hoop!
[Everyone claps.]
Luis: Impressive… or at least it would be if that wasn't the wrong net.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh.
[Time-jump to later, everyone in the stadium except Luis is sitting on a bench on the side.]
Luis: Alright, so I've just run over everything and this should be our final team. Obviously we have Dan… and then my other picks are Pluto, CrazySponge, Prim, Daddy Pig, Elli, Goose, Granite, Ally, Liz, SpongeBot… and Tim.
Jasbre: (stands up) TIM?! YOU'RE PUTTING FUCKING TIM ON THE TEAM AND NOT ME? THE BLACKEST DUCK OF THEM ALL?
Jess: To be fair we would just need to tell Tim the other team is gay and then we've pretty much won.
Luis: I'm not actually sure if the basketball rulebook allows murder or not.
[Peter Griffin runs in panting, with his basketball outfit very visibly thrown on very quickly.]
Peter Griffin: Sorry I'm late! Are tryouts over already?
Luis: Family Guy characters are in this show?
Jess: They've been in this show for quite a while now, actually.
Luis: …well, sorry Peter, but I've already picked the final team.
Peter Griffin: Aw man! This is worse than the time I got drafted!
[Cut to Petah, and several other users, in a military bunker, with soldier outfits on.]
Zoltan: alright guys this is the Zig-Zag vs. PI war and were not going to go down without a fight!
Peter Griffin: Hehehehehe, this is just like the hit episode EB Gets Drafted!
SpongeBot: Why are we fighting again?
Zoltan: jess bought duck tv. anyway, we need to attack her.
Jess: Alright boss, what's your plan?
Zoltan: AAAAAAAAAA-
[Cut back to the POBA Center, where Dan's team is running around the court trying out basketball techniques and shit, I don't fucking know I don't play basketball why are we writing an episode about this.]
Dan: You know I thought the match was only supposed to be a 1v1-
Luis: Alright people, we only have a few more days before the big game!
Peter Griffin: I'm trying my hardest, boss!
Luis: Didn't I just say you didn't make the team?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, but I'm gonna stick around anyway because Family Guy is funny.
Dan: Welp, Luis. I think I've pretty much got the basics of basketball.
Luis: Great!
Dan: So, uh… what now?
[Pause.]
Luis: I don't know, I never thought we'd get this far.
Dan: Well what happens in Space Jam?
Luis: Well, in the first Space Jam once the team is all set up they just cut straight to the big basketball match or something.
Dan: They do? We don't see them train or anything?
Luis: Nope.
Dan: Huh… that's really awkwardly paced then.
Luis: I know!
[Pause.]
Dan: …well, I guess we're cutting straight to the game then.
[Indeed we are. Cut to the World of SBFW Stadium at night, where we see an establishing shot in the sky with big lights shining and hear a lot of users cheering or something.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here! And I'm a basketball commentator now! No reason, just felt like it. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the first (and most likely only) official World of SBFW competitive basketball match!
[Crickets are heard chirping from the seats.]
Scott the Woz: Heh, I, uh- did I mention I own Sonic Jam? Anyway… this is a one night only match between the Bikini Bottom Bulldogs from right here in the World of SBFW playing against… I- heh, I don't remember who the other team is. Anyway tonight the Bulldogs are playing for Lola Bunny to consent to let Dan have sex with her, something I obviously haven't done, I own twenty copies of Flingsmash. And here they come out now - the Bikini Bottom Bulldogs!
[Dan and the rest of the team (Pluto, CrazySponge, Prim, Daddy Pig, Elli, Goose, Granite, Ally, Liz, SpongeBot, Tim, and Peter for all of you who forgot) come out from the changing rooms and onto the court.]
Goose: honk
SpongeBot: I hate that goose.
Primitive: Are there any rules against ghosts playing?
Luis: I don't think so, it's not very politically correct to discriminate against ghosts nowadays.
Scott the Woz: And here comes the other team - Lola Bunny… and the rest of them!
[The crowd cheers as Lola Bunny and a bunch of Looney Tunes walk out. Cut to Jasbre in the audience.]
Jasbre: OH MY DGDO=DFKF IUSTS'S'S DAFFUFYF FNFDICICKKC JUIGYUIJ (faints)
[We cut back to the teams in the stadium.]
Dan: I actually genuinely honestly thought this was gonna be a 1v1.
CrazySponge: i mean, the more the merrier. this way we have a higher chance of winning
Dan: They've been trained by Michael Jordan and did some shitty thing with LeBron James and saved the world by playing basketball like, twice. We're a bunch of stupid fanfiction writers. I'm uber fucked.
[Lola walks up to Dan.]
Lola Bunny: …you know, no one's ever really stood up to me before. This should be interesting.
Dan: Heh, yeah.
Lola Bunny: You ever played basketball before?
Dan: Oh, pfffft, yeah I'm a natural. 
Lola Bunny: Great! Should be a good game then.
[Lola walks off.]
Dan: This is my first match outside of school.
Jess: Well, if we end up losing, then that whopping one page of training will be all for naught.
Dan: The only way we can win is if we somehow pull off something we're all probably physically incapable of doing and the other team is incredibly fucking stupid.
Scott the Woz: Before this basketball match begins, could everyone please stand up out of their seats as we play the World of SBFW National Anthem?
[Everyone in the crowd silently stands up from their seats and puts one of their hands over where their heart is. The basketball teams do the same. The TWOS National Anthem begins playing.]
Speakers: 🎵SOULJA BOY UP IN THIS HOEEEEEE! WATCH ME CRANK IT WATCH ME ROLLLLLL! WATCH ME CRANK THAT SOULJA BOUY THEN SUPERMAN THAT OHHHHH-🎵
[Cut to Forest walking out into the stadium in a referee uniform.]
Forest: Hello everyone. My name is 1033Forest. I am a 21 year old SpongeBob fanfiction writer, but my mom suggested I move out of her basement and get a proper job so I'll be your referee today. I want a nice, clean game here. Do we understand?
Dan: (sighs) Let's just get this over with.
[Forest takes out a basketball.]
Forest: I think this is what you use to play this game. Are you guys ready?
Dan: I wish.
Forest: Then let's….. GO!
[Forest blows a whistle, the alarm thing at the start of matches sounds, and throws the ball in the air. Lola Bunny immediately grabs it and starts dribbling it towards the opposing net.]
Dan: Well we're all fucked.
Luis: GUYS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, CHASE AFTER HER!
[Pause.]
CrazySponge: oh… thats what were supposed to do.
[The SBFW team starts chasing Lola's bunny up the court. They all end up slamming into each other.]
Dan: I will sue all of you and use the money to pay for my broken face.
[Lola Bunny passes the ball to Porky Pig, who then passes it to Sam Sheepdog (real Looney Tune - probably worth a Foogle) who scores a slam dunk. The crowd cheers.]
Dan: Do you think if we quit now I'll be in less shame?
Primitive: Maybe if we play the game really loudly, everyone will think we're good?
Granite: (sigh) Why did I agree to this? I could be at home eating a burger while naked right now! Why did I just say that? What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh, by the way my nan just came home from the hospital.
[Forest blows his whistle throws the ball again, and it is once again immediately scooped up by the opposing team. Goose chases Daffy Duck up the court, and manages to tackle him for the ball but the two end up both holding the ball and tugging over it.]
Daffy Duck: Agh! Let go you stupid goose!
Goose: honk
Daffy Duck: I tell you, you're more dethpicable than the age of conthent!
Mr. Gus: (in the audience) I like this guy.
[Daffy Duck grabs the ball from Goose, runs up the court and scores yet another slam dunk.]
Forest: That's another point for the Tune Squad!
[The crowd cheers again.]
Dan: What did they do in the movie to get really good?
Jess: They drank water or some shit.
Luis: Oh, that's right! They drank Micheal Jordan's secret stuff!
CrazySponge: yall can drink my secret stuff if you want
[Everyone throws up.]
Elli: Fuck off.
[Dan kicks CrazySponge out of the stratosphere.]
Dan: He'll be back before halftime, I'm sure.
[Forest blows his whistle and throws the ball again, this time actually being picked up by Elli.]
Dan: Wait… we're actually doing something?!
Elli: HA! I CAUGHT IT! I ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING IN ONE OF THESE EPISODES!
Scott the Woz: Woah! And in a drastic turn of events, the Bulldogs aren't actually that incompetent after all! By the way, has anyone seen those rumours that Square Enix in Japan has filed a new trademark for Gex? Funny game, Gex. It sounds like gay sex, but it's actually about a liz-
Jasbre: GET ON WITH THE BASKETBALL!
Scott the Woz: OKAY, OKAY!
[By this point, Dan has been passed the ball by Elli and is making his way towards the net.]
CrazySponge: im back. OH MY GOD WERE DOING SOMETHING?!?
Dan: That's what I sa-
[Lola Bunny tackles the ball off of Dan and, you guessed it, scores yet another slam dunk. The crowd cheers.]
Dan: OH MY GOD, CRAZYSPONGE! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME!
CrazySponge: i could just buy the court and get us an automatic win
Primitive: Yeah, but that's boring, we need to fill this episode with more of us sucking.
CrazySponge: eh, you must be fun at parties.
[We see a montage of the Tune Squad attempting and succeeding to score more points. The tally eventually goes up to about 2-"Kinda One Sided Ain't It?" by the end of the first half. The users are in the changing room looking all depressed and shit. The group sits in silence for a few seconds.]
Peter Griffin: Boy, that game was worse than the time I-
Dan: This is NOT the time, Peter. What I think - no, I know - is gonna happen is we're all gonna go out on the court and get completely shit on and I'm gonna be humiliated for the rest of my life and I'm never gonna get to bang Lola!
Primitive: If this were real life, yes, but we're in The World of SBFW. Anything could happen that could rig the game in our favour.
Dan: Like what?
[Pause.]
Primitive: …I don’t know.
Dan: (sighs) I’m never gonna get Lola to consent!
Zoltan: oh my god! who. the. hell. cares about consent?!
Dan: Wait, you’re not on this team. How did you get in here?
Zoltan: i thought this was the restroom. not-joe is doing the halftime show and i want to kill myself.
[Cutaway to the basketball court, where Not-Joe is performing his hit single “Darn Bug Guy”. Luis walks into the locker room.]
Luis: Alright troops… I’m not going to lie. We are completely fucked right now.
Pluto: No shit, Sherlock.
Peter Griffin: Heheheh, poo.
Liz: Is that all you think about, Peter?
Peter Griffin: No, sometimes I think of pee too.
[Laugh track because bodily excretion is super mega funny and Seth MacFarlane is a comedic genius.]
Daddy Pig: I- I just don’t understand! I’m an expert at basketball! How could we be doing so crap?
Peter Griffin: Heheheheheh, crap.
Luis: I have no idea, Daddy Pig. But what I do have an idea about is that we are not going to be able to win this thing unless some really lazy plot convenience happens.
[Cut back to the court.]
Scott the Woz: …and it is time for the second half of the match! Thank you Not-Joe for that inspiring song.
[The two teams walk back out onto the court as the crowd cheers.]
Dan: Pfft, welp… I guess this is the moment of truth.
Ally: I'll remember you all in therapy.
SpongeBot: I want lines too! Even Goose had more lines than me this episode!
Goose: honk
SpongeBot: HE DID IT! HE DID IT AGAIN!
Goose: honk
[1033Forest walks back out onto the court in his referee uniform again.]
1033Forest: Alright, round two. I know I’m supposed to be an unbiased referee, but I am REALLY rooting for Lola and the Tune Squad.
[1033Forest blows his whistle and the second half of the game starts. Lola immediately grabs the ball again and starts running up the court. Dan and the rest of the barely competent SBFW team chase after her. Ally attempts to tackle Lola but fails. Peter Griffin scoots in.]
Peter Griffin: Oh no you don't! This is what you get for not making any funny poop jokes!
[Peter jumps really high and blocks the ball from entering the hoop by sitting on it.]
Daddy Pig: HAHAHAHAHAHA! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE PETER GRIFFIN IS SO FAT! …heh, unlike me of course.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is in denial.
Lola Bunny: Hey! That’s not fair! He’s blocking the hoop with his fat ass! Ref, do something!
1033Forest: Eh, seems fair to me.
Peter Griffin: Oh, sure, they can abuse their cartoon logic in Space Jam, but as soon as Peter does it everyone gets their panties in a twist!
Ally: PANTIES? WHERE?
Primitive: Uh- um… over there!
[Primitive points over towards the basketball.]
Ally: PANTIES!
[Ally excitedly rushes towards the basketball, and throws it across into the hoop. The scoreboard changes to 3-"Kinda One Sided Ain't It?".]
Ally: HATE THE GOVERNMENT, LOVE THE FUCKING DOLE!
Porky Pig: W-w-what does that even m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mean?
Ally: I HAVE NO IDEA!
Dan: Well, whatever you're doing, keep doing it because WE ACTUALLY FUCKING SCORED FOR ONCE!
Jess: Hey, it’s just like in Space Jam 2!
Dan: Huh?
Jess: Well, in Space Jam 2, in the final act the writers realise they have no idea how to write a basketball game so… they just kinda don’t.
Dan: Huh. Sounds familiar.
[1033Forest blows his whistle again and Dan gets control of the ball first. He passes to Daddy Pig, and then to SpongeBot before Wile E. Coyote tackles it off of her.]
Tim: Ugh, that’s it! I’ve had enough of these gay-ass lunatics. (cocks gun) TIMOOOOTTTHHHHYYYYYYYYY PEPPPPPEEEEERRRRRCCHHHHHIIIIICKKKEN!
[Tim starts rapidly shooting at Wile E. Coyote, and during the chase one of the bullets miraculously hits the ball and Tim scores another point.]
Dan: WOOOOOO! YEAH!
Scott the Woz: And that's another point for the Bulldogs! Looks like they may not be so hopeless after all!
[1033Forest blows his whistle again. Daffy Duck gets the ball.]
Daffy Duck: Now it'th my time to shine!
Jasbre: WOROOIOOKPJDOB0 GU9V8UDAFFYUBKJ9VD9IHSI9BF9IGA9HSI0HI9BAB0I
[Jasbre fucking explodes. Back in the court, CrazySponge looms out of the shadows.]
Dan: (under his breath) Don't.
CrazySponge: hey, daffy, you wanna know whats more despicable than the age of consent?
Daffy Duck: What could pothhibly-
CrazySponge: HOUSES!!!
[House 2 falls out of the sky in a basketball outfit and crushes Daffy. The ball flies out from under House 2 and, miraculously, into the hoop.]
Dan: (gasp) Can this be? CrazySponge actually contributing to the team?
CrazySponge: see? im not so hopeless after all!
Daffy Duck: Ugh… move athide the age of conthent, thith duck has a new arch nemethith!
[We see a montage of the Bikini Bottom Bulldogs scoring more points in their own weird, degenerate ways. Goose flies over the opposing team with the ball, Primitive weaves through the players with his ghostly powers and shit (see we haven’t forgotten about that), Pluto dates the basketball and turns it lesbian, Daddy Pig drives in his car or something I don't know, Peter Griffin says something funny and the ball laughs all the way to the hoop, etc., etc., etc., etc. The scoreboard starts becoming more even and even, until both teams have exactly the same amount of points.]
Scott the Woz: Ohhhh! And another nice point from Tim!
Tim: Tim
Scott the Woz: There’s not much time left on the clock, so it all comes down to this next point! Whoever scores the next slam dunk, will win!
Dan: …why does it always come down to the very last point?
Primitive: Who the hell cares? We might actually win this bitch!
Dan: Somehow.
Peter Griffin: Eh, it's fine. As long as I stay on this here hoop, there's no way we can lo-
[Peter falls and breaks his goddamn leg.]
Peter Griffin: Ah, crap! That hurts!
Dan: …welp, there goes our failsafe.
1033Forest: My lungs are all sore from blowing on this damn whistle, but I'm glad this is the last time!
[1033Forest blows the whistle one last time in slow motion, and Bugs Bunny grabs the ball.]
1033Forest: Phew! Goodness gracious! Now I can get back to making some good ol’ title cards for the community series! See ya guy-
[1033Forest tries to walk down the court to leave, but gets trampled on by the hoards of players.]
SpongeBot: So… what exactly is our plan, Dan?
Dan: I don’t know… but we just need to somehow get that ball.
CrazySponge: leave it to me
[CrazySponge uses his large Hoopla mouth to attempt to suck the ball away from Bugs. It doesn't work.]
CrazySponge: well ive done all i could do
Dan: …Aidan… what the hell was that?
CrazySponge: i dont know! i thought i could-
Dan: Do a Kirby or something?
CrazySponge: well, yea-
Dan: (sighs) Oh my God, I was right about you. You ruined everything! If you just hadn’t come along in the first place, I would be in bed with Lola right now!
CrazySponge: i- i- im sorry, okay?! i didnt mean to do this, i just wanted to be funny crazysponge and-
Dan: Ruin my chances with the girl of my dreams? Why you little-
[Dan kicks CrazySponge out into the stratosphere again. He screams as he flies through the roof of the basketball stadium and into space.]
CrazySponge: oh look! i can see the world of esb from here! and the poundland world of gay people!
[CrazySponge resumes screaming again as he falls back down into The World of SBFW and back into the stadium.]
Dan: Huh, that's a new record.
[Lola Bunny is just about to score a point.]
Lola Bunny: Hmmmphh… take THIS!
[Before the ball can go down into the hoop, CrazySponge comes crashing in and knocks the ball across the court, successfully scoring a point. The scoreboard changes from 69-69 to How the fuck-Did that work. The alarm sounds and everyone cheers.]
Scott the Woz: CRAZYSPONGE SCORES ANOTHER POINT! THE BULLDOGS WIN!
[The Bulldogs all cheer, including Peter, whose leg is in a cast.]
Peter Griffin: Oh my God! This is more incredible than the time I-
[Lola Bunny puts her hand over Peter’s mouth.]
Lola: Shut it, big guy.
Daddy Pig: (laughs) SHE CALLED HIM BIG GUY!
[By the point, CrazySponge is now on the floor next to Dan.]
CrazySponge: …ugh… guess who ruined everything now?!
Dan: …surely a fall from that height should have killed you.
CrazySponge: im crazysponge, what can i say?
Dan: That was spectacular… of me. I've never sent you all the way to space before. Maybe I could clear you all the way to The World of Fanonia SpongeBobia.
Lola: Looks like basketball ain’t the only game you’re good at. Maybe we should have a soccer match next time?
Primitive: NOO!!! WE ARE NEVER DOING THIS EVER AGAIN!
Dan: I agree. One sports episode is enough for me. Anyway, since I won… ALL OF YOU, DISPERSE!
[Everyone disappears, leaving Dan and Lola alone.]
Dan: So… does this mean?
Lola: (rolls eyes) I guess…
Dan: OH BOY! FULL STEAM AHEAD!
[Lola Bunny starts taking her top off when-]
Zoltan: KNOW SEX!!!!1!1!
[He cuts the line, which makes the episode cut to static. CrazySponge's head comes up.]
CrazySponge: dont worry folks, im just as sad as you. welp, i guess its the end of the episode now. so you can… go home, interact with people, or as i did in this very episode, touch grass. stay tuned for more hilarious antics! ok bye
[The credits roll on top of the static.]
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:The World of SBFW
Category:Thatjess
Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
Category:PrimitiveSponge129
Category:Episodes written by PrimitiveSponge129
Category:PI
Category:PI Network
Category:Coral Blue Productions
Category:The Teal Horizon Company
Category:PI
Category:2020s
Category:Blue Lobster Productions