Crash Tag Team Racing script

This page is comprised of transcriptions of all the cutscenes in Crash Tag Team Racing.
Notes:
*Each cutscene is in chronological order of appearance in regular gameplay.
*Lines spoken within a cutscene are marked with (C) and lines spoken during gameplay are marked with (L).
==Meet the Dummkopfs (C)==
*Chick: "Top o' the mornin' and a cock-a-doodle-doo sports fans. Chick Gizzard Lips here welcoming you to the farewell race at Von Clutch's MotorWorld."
*Stew: "That's right, Chick baby, on what might be the final day of operation, Von Clutch will surely have to turn out the lights on his lifelong dream."
*Chick: "Von Clutch, the deranged genius cyborg, has fabricated the ultimate auto racing theme park. Indeed, the park's tracks have reeked terror on its participants, too [Stew is now wearing a purple fedora] gruesome for this reporter to describe over the air!"
*Stew: [off topic] "Well, I ain't got a problem with it. Man, you ever put a baked ham in a wood chipper? I know I have."
*Chick: [attempting to get Stew back on topic] "Ahem."
*Stew: "Oh sorry. But now ol' Von Clutch's Power Gems have been stolen, giving Von Clutch just a few hours to get his Power Gems back, or it's [Stew is now having a cool look] 'slam dunk, thank you, punk'".
*Chick: "Ebenezer Von Clutch is now risking his park ownership in a high-stakes, no-holds-barred race. Race contestants must survive a gauntlet of each of the park's five lands and recover every one of the Power Gems that have been stolen."
Cortex, Nina and N. Gin are chasing the Bandicoots down a road while N. Gin shoots the Bandicoots' car, but the Bandicoots manage to dodge every shot. Coco and Crunch each throw a chicken at Cortex, but both miss.
*Cortex: "Ha ha ha! It's only a matter of time before we deal with these meddlesome rodents forever! Hahahahahaha- [a chicken hits Cortex] Ow!"
*Von Clutch: "Pasadena, Villie, I only have a short time before I'm kaputsky! We must find more racers! Is there no dummkopfs among you, to accept the challenge of the greatest race of all time?"
Team Cortex and Team Bandicoot bust through the front gate and crash into each other head-on.
*Chick: [after the other racers crash into each other] "Well, sports fans, it appears that we have found our dummkopfs."
*Crunch: "Nice drivin', fool!"
===Tutorial (L)===
*Stew: "OK newbie, to walk or run, simply move the left Analog Stick or press the Directional Buttons in the direction you want Crash to move. Go ahead. I won't laugh, hehehe.
*Stew: "Small objects might require you to jump-move to get over 'em. Now hit that X button and let's see you do just a single jump. Come on, feel it baby, oooh!"
*Chick: "Large obstacles or distances require you to do your first double jump to overcome them! How exciting! Press the X button, and then press it while still in the air to perform said double jump!
*Chick: "Press the square button to perform a spin attack, to break certain objects. Please use with discretion! Breaking things isn't nice."
*Stew: "You know, Wumpa Coins are scattered everywhere, even inside certain objects. Collect that coin baby, and spend it like crazy on new stuff! Bling-bling!"
*Stew: "Yo, yo! Activation buttons require you to body slam to trigger it. Press that X button then press that circle button while still in the air to do a body slam. Slamma jamma bananrama!"
*Stew: "Are you ready? Crash is able to hang off edges! No kidding! While hanging, move the left Analog Stick or press the Directional Buttons to edge shimmy left and right. Press the X button to move off the edge. Try it! It's the bomb!"
*Chick: "OK, you've reached your first ladder. Somebody get a picture! To climb a ladder, press the X button to jump on and then press it again and again until you reach the top."
*Stew: "Oh, this place is a dump! Sometimes the floor will just give way under you! Play it safe and jump over it."
*Stew: "OK, you gonna love this one. Jump Pads allow Crash to jump to otherwise inaccessible locations. To do it, press the X button to jump onto a Jump Pad. Man, this game is smokin'!"
==Von Clutch Makes a Deal (C)== 
*Cortex: [as Crash ascends in an elevator] "What is the meaning of this? Have you any idea with whom you are dealing?"
*Von Clutch: "Zee world renowned evil doer Dr. Neo Periwinkle Cortex, I have all your games! For a moment here, I think all is lost for Von Clutch. But, when I see my favorite video heroes, my fingers tingle with joy!"
*Cortex: "Well tingle all you want. I have an appointment with world domination."
*Von Clutch: "Na-na-na-na-nein! I need more racers to recover mein Power Gems! Whoever is first to bring all the Power Gems, wins the ownership of mein park! Und look, even my beloved Black Power Gem is gone!"
*N. Gin: "Perhaps this is the answer to our dilemma. This deranged theme park is fertile grounds for us to plant a new seed OF EVIL!!!"
*Cortex: "Yes. A new sinister base, all the churros we can eat, and rid ourselves of the bandicoots all at the same time!"
*Pasadena: "Not so fast! I'm Pasadena O'Possum! I'm racing for ol' Von Clutch, and I'm gonna whoop you, that's for sure!"
*Cortex: "So, if I win you'll hand over the deed to this amusement enterprise? No questions asked?"
*Willie: "Perhaps a riddle or two!"
*Cortex: "Holy cannoli! [Jumps behind N. Gin] What is that thing?"
*Von Clutch: "Ah, that's mein jolly park mascot, Willy Wumpa Cheeks."
*Cortex: "Okay Von Clutch, we're in. Where do we start?"
*Willie: "Heedely-hidely-ho! To the statue you must go! This way or that, fall down, you go 'splat!' And everyone thinks you're a schmo! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!"
Everyone (except for Crash) ride the elevator down. Willie hops and falls down the elevator shaft.
==Mystery Island==
===Obtaining the gem (C)===
Crash hops up on a Von Clutch statue in the Midway and grabs the Gem sitting in its hand.
===Introduction (L)===
*Willie Wumpa Cheeks: "Yo ho ho and a bottle of Wumpa Whip! Ahoy mateys! Batten down your hatches and swab my poop deck says I! Avast there ye slobs! Salty adventure awaits ye beyond these cursed portals o'doom! Hahahaha!"
*Chick: "Thank you Mister Cheeks. Yes, race fans, a bounty of booty awaits you in this, our first race challenge. Thrill to the terrors of Tiki Turbo, endure the perplexing Pirates of the Carburetor, and defeat the insidious delusions of Deep Sea Driving! Master these dangerous tracks, and find greater challenge in the Battle Arena, where unhinged lunatics compete for trivial prizes! Isn't this exciting Stew!"
*Stew: "You know I'm excited! Get goin' Crash, and show me what you've got!"
===Obtaining the gem (C)===
A Gem is sitting on a pedestal. After thinking it over, Crash pulls out a bag and switches it for the Gem.
==Happily After Faster==
===Introduction (L)===
*Chick: "Welcome everyone! In this wondrous land of enchantment, contestants test their mettle against the putrid forces of darkness! Race through the Track and the Beanstalk, Once Upon a Tire, and the ruthless Evilocity! Then test your wits on the Stunt Arena challenge."
*Stew: "Man, I sure hope that Stinkin' Beauty goin' be as fine and shapely as she is in the storybooks."
*Chick: "I second that emotion."
*Willie Wumpa Cheeks: "Now click your heels three times and repeat after me: I do believe in the stinking beauty, I do believe in the stinking beauty, I do!"
===Obtaining the gem===
Crash notices someone's long hair and looks up. He yanks on the hair and it coils down to the ground, bringing a princess-dressed Park Drone with it. Crash picks up the Gem the drone was holding.
==Tyrannosaurus Wrecks==
===Introduction (L)===
*Willie Wumpa Cheeks: "What horrors for you are in store, great beasts and volcanoes galore! As I say with a grin, try hard, you might win, though your butt will probably be sore. Hee hee hee!"
*Stew: "Man, that Wumpa Cheek dude freaks me OUT!"
*Chick: "Just don't let him touch you! Yes, sports fans, here you will race through a planet's violent beginnings."
*Stew: "In this brutal world, contestants struggle with primeval race tracks like Fossil Fuel Injection, La Brea Car Pits, and the treacherous Tire and Ice. Keep sharp players, there's even a Battle Arena to test your mettle."
===Obtaining the gem (C)===
A cow flies in from nowhere and bridges the gap over the lava. Crash skips over the cow to get the Gem and then skips back, after which the cow falls into the lava.
==Halfway Point (C)==
*Chick: "I'm on, but who's on top? We're here with the valiant competitors to get their vivid impressions at this, the halfway point in the event."
*Cortex: "I haven't put my crooked finger on it yet folks, but something's fishy around here. There's someone or something rigging these tracks, and it should be me!"
*Pasadena: "There's more here than meets the eye, girlfriend."
*Coco: "You're right Pasadena! I've noticed too many coincidences with the stolen power gems. There must be a pattern... n' stuff."
*Chick: "Ach, this is a wash. Bill, let's roll tape."
==Tomb Town==
===Introduction (L)===
*Willie Wumpa Cheeks: "Awaken not angry spirits that lie within, grave robber! Beyond the ancient vault of gold and family jewels awaits a profaned prophecy for those who disturb the mummy's slumber! Hee, hee, hee, the mummy's slumber! Ha, ha! Don't wake daddy either!"
*Stew: "I really hate that guy."
*Chick: "Creepy yes, but how right he is, Stew! Within this haunted city of ancient-ish Egypt, resides the forbidding curse of Tomb Town. Within these hollowed walls and tacky gift shops, Von Clutch has created the ultimate in-Egyptian driving simulation."
*Stew: "Well, for sure our racers gonna have a tough time here, Chicky-poo. They must first survive Dead Heat, make their way into Crash Test Mummies, and navigate through Pyramid Pass. And if that ain't enough, then they face the ultimate challenge deep within, the tomb of terror."
*Chick: "Between the three track entrances and the exceptionally difficult battle arena, this may be the toughest one, race fans."
===Obtaining the gem (C)===
Crash stands in front of what is revealed to be a giant Von Clutch Sphinx statue with the Gem in its nose. He pushes a button and the statue begins shaking. A tooth and a part of an eye falls out, followed by the Gem. Crash lifts up the fallen Gem.
==Follow the Wumpa Whip (C)== 
*Chick: "Zowie, sports fans, did you see that..." [pushed aside by Cortex]
*Stew: [offscreen] "Ow! My tail!"
*Cortex: "Curses. Some sinister force is upstaging my evil plan! Curses, Curses, CURSES!"
*Coco: "Hey, I think I'm beginning to deduce what's going on around here."
*Crunch: "What is it?"
*Coco: "Well, the pattern I've concluded from deductive reasoning is that whoever stole the power gems has some connection to... Wumpa Whip!"
*Von Clutch: "Wumpa Whip?"
*Pasadena: "That's affirmative, V.C. There's been a trail of Wumpa Whip at the scene of every stolen Power Gem in the park!"
*Von Clutch: "That's ridiculickalickalous! I mean, who drinks Wumpa Whip anyway?"
Willie gets nervous, knowing he is the one who stole the gems. A slurping sound is heard, and everyone looks to see who is making that noise, and it is revealed to be Crash, slurping some Wumpa Whip. Everyone points at him.
*Coco/Crunch/Cortex/N. Gin/Pasadena/Von Clutch: "IT'S YOU!" [Crash burps.]
*Coco: Ohhhh Crash! How could you?!"
*Willie: "Oh! That's it! I've had it! You people are dumber than a sack of hammers! It's me! Meeee! I tell you! [He gets a blank stare from the racers.] Don't you get it? Meeee!"
*Von Clutch: "Villie? Mein jolly park mascot? [going into denial] Don't tell me anymore! I can't hear you! Weißte ich kann nicht hörn diese Lügen! (I know I cannot hear these lies!)"
*Willie: "And I would've succeeded too, if it wasn't for you meddling bandicoots! And now the time is nigh, it's really do or die! This stone in my sack proves Von Clutch is a hack! [Von Clutch gasps.] And you can look for me in the sky! Hahahahaha! So long, suckers!"
*Von Clutch: "Ach, quick! We must schtop him! We have only moments left, und we must get mein Black Power Gem before I'm kaput!"
*Coco/Crunch/Cortex/N. Gin/Pasadena/Von Clutch: "To the Rocket!"
==Countdown Begins (C)==
*Chick: "Here we are, sports fans, the last hurrah. Crash Bandicoot has collected the final Power Gem and won himself the ownership of the park!"
*Stew: "But with only a short time left, is it too late to retrieve the Black Power Gem and save the weakened [camera cuts to Von Clutch shutting down] Ebenezer Von Clutch?
==Astro Land==
===Introduction (L)===
*Von Clutch: "Warning cosmic travelers, up here in the dankness of schpace lies the greatest fears you all will face! Hahaha!"
* Chick: "Well, sports fans, welcome to Astro Land, where yesterday's dream of the future is the nightmare of today!"
* Stew: "Whoa man, that's what the script says?! That's messed up!"
* Chick: "Choose from many futuristic adventures by plunging deep into Uranus' Mine. Or careen through the celestial Craters on Uranus. And beware the deadly and dangerous Rings of Uranus."
* Stew: "That's a lot of Uranus!"
* Chick: "You're telling me."
==Final Showdown (C)==
Willie is hitting some buttons on a control panel when he is startled by Crash's presence. He laughs evilly and walks, then twirls toward a rocket (actually a simulator) and goes in. The hatch shuts, but Willie pops out one last time, flicks his nose and shuts the hatch again.
==Stop The Rocket! (C)==
Crash pulls a lever, supposedly shutting down the rocket.
==I Hate Chicken (C)==
*Willie: [attempting to get the rocket to launch] "Come on, come on, don't do this to me!"
The hatch is heard opening, and it is revealed that Crunch opened it by hand. He grabs Willie by the nose.
*Pasadena: "Alrighty, you Sour Fruit! Hand over that Black Power Gem!"
*Willie: "Hey! Who are you calling sour?!"
A flash of light is seen, and Willie disintegrates and turns into a blob. Everyone is grossed out by the sight. Cortex's ship rises up, and Cortex chuckles.
* Crunch: "Aw, man!"
*Cortex: "That retched bandicoot foiled my plan for this amusement enterprise as the ideal strategic cover!"
*N. Gin: [going crazy] "Yes my lord! Hehehehehe..."
*Cortex: "Stop having fun! Obliterate them!"
Cortex pulls back on the stick, lifting the ship, which produces a gun. It aims for the Bandicoots, but before it can fire, Crunch pulls up a piece of the floor to act as a shield. The gun's rounds hit the piece of floor. 
*Cortex: "What?"
Crunch moves aside, revealing Crash who is holding a chicken. He throws the chicken, and it bounces off the cockpit bubble and is sucked into the engine. 
*Cortex: "I hate chicken."
The ship goes haywire as the Bandicoots and Pasadena look on.
*Cortex: [as the ship flies away] We'll meet again Crash Bandicoooottttt! (voice fades away)"
*Chick: "And to the victors go the spoils. Congratulations, Bandicoots!"
*Coco: "Thank you Mister...chicken man! This is really cool n' stuff, but we'd like to return the park ownership where it belongs: to Ebenezer Von Clutch."
*Pasadena: That there's right darn neighborly of ya. But, I don't think it's gonna do him no good. Now that his Black Power Gem is gone, it's-it's time for ol' Ebenezer to... drive that demolition derby in the sky...
*Crunch: [crying] "Crunch sad!"
Crash drinks from Willie's nose and coughs up the Black Power Gem, which bounces off the ground and lands in Von Clutch.
* Von Clutch: "Ach du lieber! I'm feeling wonderful, ja! Crash my boy, I own it all to you! Danke schon! Free lifetime passes to all ze Bandicoots, ja! Hip-hip hooray! hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip- [Crash gives Von Clutch a slap on the back, accidentally knocking out the Black Power Gem] -hip... [he falls over]"
Crash runs over to the car he had at the beginning, smiles and drives off, leaving Coco and Crunch behind. Coco slaps her head while Crunch shrugs at a shocked Pasadena.
Category:Crash Tag Team Racing
Category:Scripts