Lecture Circuit Quotes

:Michael: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me your names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark.
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:Angela: I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.
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:Dwight: (from another room) What did you do?!
:Kelly: Stop yelling at me!
:Dwight:What did you do?!
:Kelly:I didn't do anything!
:Dwight: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned something there, like how to fashion a sieve. Hmm?
:Jim: Hey, what the hell's going on?
:Dwight: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15..
:Kelly:I was kicking it.
:Dwight:In juvie.
:Jim:What?
:Dwight:Juvie... nile detention center? where they send teenagers.
:Jim: Yep.
:Dwight For reha-
:Jim: Got it.
:Dwight What did you do? Huh?
:Jim: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy. 
:Dwight Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. [to Kelly] What did you do?
:Kelly:My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like "Thelma and Louise ", but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!
:Dwight:I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
:Jim:Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.
:Kelly:Really? I want to see the cake.
[we now cut to the kitchen area. Inside are Jim, Dwight, Kelly, and Phyllis. Jim shows a plain cake without flowers and her name.]
:Jim:And, ta-da.
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:Kelly:I hate it. 
:Jim: How do you hate it? It's a cake.
:Kelly:Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or--- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly!
:Jim: Right. (in confessional) I forgot if there was an "e" between the "l" and the "y." I still don't know.
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:Kelly:I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?!
:Dwight:Frosting.
:Jim:Birthday.
:Kelly:Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. [walks out].
:Phyllis: There's always a theme.
:Dwight:Nice job on the cake, Bozo!
:Jim:OK. You know what? Next time, I'll let you get the cake, and I get to scream at the birthday girl.
Category:Season 5 quotes