A Fair Love/transcript

Previous Episode: Revenge of The Evil Grandpa Master Lox
Next Episode: The Microwave
== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: September 7, 1996
Episode Copyrighted: 1995
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
The exterior of the Krusty Krab is shown.
Mr. Krabs: *offscreen* Da da dee.
Mr. Krabs is shown in his office. He is stitching.
Mr. Krabs: Stitch one purl two. da da dee doo.
The scene shows that he is stitching a pattern of a dollar bill.
Mr. Krabs: Da day dee da. Dee doh.. *abruptly stops and sniffs the air* What's that smell? *runs over to the cashier boat.* The register! *shakes the register and smells it* $49.0... 8?! That's a penny short! *starts crying*
Squidward Tentacles: *sarcastically* Oh, no. Not a penny.
Lori Loud: Help! Somebody, help us.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *slides up from the floor of the car*
SpongeBob SquarePants: It's just a penny, sir.
Mr. Krabs: *stops crying*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *jumps out of the car*
Lincoln Loud: It doesn't matter.
Mr. Krabs: Doesn't matter? It's money that makes the world go round, boys! It's money that keeps your *holds up a right-angled ruler to SpongeBob's pants* Pants square! It's money that keeps Squidward and Lori in frilly soap!
The scene cuts to Squidward in the Dining area sniffing the air.
Squidward Tentacles: Lilac…
Lori Loud: Uh…
The scene cuts to show the Krusty Krab with numerous large bandages on it.
Mr. Krabs: It's money that paid for all the renovations we did! Oh, nothing in all the seven seas could matter more. Not even that… *catches something in my eye* Hmm? Scrumptious, curvy cutie.
Lincoln Loud: We see her, Mr. Krabs.
The scene cuts to a Krabby Patty on a tray, next to a soda.
SpongeBob SquarePants: A Krabby Patty with cheese.
A pair of flippers grabs the sandwich. The scene cuts back to SpongeBob, Lincoln and Mr. Krabs.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The classic.
Mr. Krabs: Not the sandwich, boys. The curvy cutie holding the sandwich.
Slide transition to Mrs. Puff eating the Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *offscreen* Hey! *onscreen* That's my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff!
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.
Lincoln Loud: Great.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. She's single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
The scene cuts to Mr. Puff, who is now a lamp, being turned on. The scene cuts back to SpongeBob and Lincoln.
SpongeBob SquarePants: She doesn't like to talk about it.
Lincoln Loud: Yes, she doesn’t.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, what I wouldn't give to have a lass like that on me claw.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey, I know! Why don't we take you over and introduce you?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, no, no, I, I'm, I'm too old, boys. Too hard-shelled for love. Besides, I ain't not properly dressed.
Lincoln Loud: Oh, come on, Mr. Krabs!
The scene cuts to a close-up of his clothes, which are messy.
Lincoln Loud: You look great.
The scene cuts back to Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob and Lincoln.
Lincoln Loud You wait here while I go break the ice. *quickly runs off*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Huh?!
Mr. Krabs: Lincoln, no, wait! I'm too nervous! Ooh! *quickly runs off like Lincoln did*
SpongeBob SquarePants: I gotta go, Mr. Krabs!
It cuts to a wide shot of Mrs. Puff.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: *screams* Hit the brakes, SpongeBob! Watch that tree! Left! Left!
SpongeBob SquarePants: *snaps my fingers* Wait, Mrs. Puff! We're not driving.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I didn't expect to see you here.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I work here, Mrs. Puff. Want to meet my boss?
Mrs. Puff: Well, I'm not…
Lincoln Loud: Okay! Don't move!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *runs back to Mr. Krabs*
Mrs. Puff: Oh!
SpongeBob and Lincoln while dragging Mr. Krabs to the table.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mrs. Puff.
The three stop.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'd like to introduce you to Mr…
Mr. Krabs: *falls forward onto the floor*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *props him back up*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mrs. Puff, I'd like to introduce you to my and Lincoln’s boss, Mr. Krabs.
Mrs. Puff: *nervously* Uh, hello.
Mr. Krabs: *quivers*
Lincoln Loud: Psst! Mr. Krabs, say hello.
Mr. Krabs: *nervously mutters*
Lincoln Loud: No, no, Mr. Krabs. Just say hello.
Mr. Krabs: *performs a strangled groan*
Mrs. Puff: Hmm, perhaps another time would be…
As Mrs. Puff is starting to leave, Mr. Krabs yelling at Lincoln
Mr. Krabs: No!
Lincoln Loud: Wait.
As Mrs. Puff sits back down and shivers.
Lincoln Loud: He's trying to tell you something.
Mrs. Puff: *shivers* Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: *jerks my eyes and moves my arms around weirdly, while speaking gibberish*
Mrs. Puff: I don't understand.
Mr. Krabs: *looks at SpongeBob and Lincoln and speaks gibberish to them.
While Mr. Krabs is speaking gibberish.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh! I think Mr. Krabs is saying that he'd like to...
Mr. Krabs: *stops speaking gibberish and turns around*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hit you with a rake!
Mrs. Puff: *scared* Goodness!
Mr. Krabs: No! *lifts my tall eyes up and down, while speaking gibberish*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Try to guess your weight.
Mrs. Puff: *offends* Well!
Mr. Krabs: *flails my arms, while speaking gibberish*
While Mr. Krabs is speaking gibberish.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No, wait. He wants to take you... *thinks for a second* ...on a date!
Mr. Krabs: *gasps happily and falls over*
Mrs. Puff: Is that true, Mr. Krabs? Do you want to take me on a date?
Mr. Krabs: Aye. What do you say?
Mrs. Puff: What do I say? *starts laughing* I say, you have a way with words, Mr. Krabs. *walks away*
Mr. Krabs: I still got it. *chuckles*
The slide transition goes to the exterior of the Krabs' house at night.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *offscreen* Ready for your date, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: *offscreen* I'm always ready when it comes to datin', lad!
The interior of the Krabs' Anchor is shown.
While he is holding a list, and Mr. Krabs, who is wearing fancy clothes, walk down stairs.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Breath spray?
Mr. Krabs: *sprays mouth with breath spray* Check.
Lincoln Loud: Lucky hanky?
Mr. Krabs: *takes out his hanky* Check.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Giant rusty anchor?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, anchor. Anchor? I can't find me giant rusty anchor!
Lincoln Loud: *throws the list away and laughs*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Relax, Mr. Krabs.
Lincoln while opening the door.
Lincoln Loud: Just a little joke.
Lincoln while making a circle in the air with his hands.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Good luck with you know who. *moves my eyebrows up and down*
Mr. Krabs: Who's that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah. Well, wish me luck, lad!
The slide transition goes to the exterior of Fancy!
Mrs. Puff: *off-screen* Oh, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs and Mrs. Puff are shown at a table inside.
Mrs. Puff: This dinner has been so wonderful. The coral was cooked to perfection. *giggles* I don't think I could eat another bite.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I doubt that, my little shrimp boat.
Mrs. Puff: *giggles* You're spoiling me, Mr. Krabs. I mean.
The scene shows a squid rubbing Mrs. Puff's feet.
Mrs. Puff: Foot rubs between courses. 
Mrs. Puff while pulling out a caricature of herself.
Mrs. Puff: Caricatures. Imported music.
The scene swift pans to a live-action scuba diver plays the piano on the other side of the room. The scene shows Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Nothing's too good for you, my prickly peach.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, what I'm trying to tell you, Mr. Krabs, is…
Waiter: Uh, sir, your fancy pantsy limousine is here.
Mr. Krabs: Wonderful! Pufflily-poo, your chariot awaits!
Mrs. Puff: Well…
Mr. Krabs: *whistles and two men join the waiter in carrying a screaming Mrs. Puff away* You'll never have to walk again, my little lobster bib.
He sighs as the waiter approaches him again.
Waiter: Your bill, sir.
Mr. Krabs: *takes the bill* Huh? What? [it shows the bill] $100?! Well, this can't possibly be correct!
Waiter: Oh, my mistake, sir. Thank you for pointing that out. *hands Mr. Krabs a different bill* This is your bill.
Mr. Krabs: *takes the bill, then looks down and his eyes enlarge, oddly.
The exterior of the restaurant is shown and the cork flies off. The scream shatters the glass bottle, which causes the sign to go flying and the valet falls over. The slide transition shows the Krabs' anchor at night. It then cuts to the interior and Mr. Krabs, who is back in his normal clothes, crying on the floor. SpongeBob and Lincoln are also there.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't understand, Mr. Krabs. How can you spend $100,000 in one night?
Lincoln Loud: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: *gets up and still crying* Oh, SpongeBob and Lincoln! I couldn't help but spend every cent I had on her! I couldn't control myself!
Lincoln Loud: What are you gonna do?
Mr. Krabs: I don't know, boy! I've got another date tomorrow! I'm caught in the middle of me two great loves! Sweet Mrs. Puff, and the rest of me money! *continues crying*
Lincoln Loud: We wish there was some way we could help.
Mr. Krabs: *stops crying* Perhaps there is, boy! *hands SpongeBob his wallet* I'm puttin' you in charge of me money.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't get it, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You come with me on the date and don't let me spend any money.
The slide transition shows Mrs. Puff's house. Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob and Lincoln walk up to it.
Mr. Krabs: Now remember, we keep it cheap by going to the park. And no matter how much I ask you, you don't give me any of me money. Now give me a dollar.
Lincoln Loud: Nope.
Mr. Krabs: Good boy! You'll do fine. *knocks on the door*
Mrs. Puff: *offscreen; singingly* Who is it?
Mr. Krabs: It's me, *my pupils turn into hearts* my beautiful bell buoy!
Mrs. Puff is heard giggling.
Mrs. Puff: Just a minute!
Mr. Krabs: *my pupils turn back to normal* Flowers! Flowers, boys! Go get flowers!
SpongeBob SquarePants: But you said…
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you can't call on a classy lady like Mrs. Puff empty-handed. We ain't talking about this... *makes a square in the air* ...or this... *makes a triangle in the air* ...we're talking about this! *makes the circle in the air*
Mrs. Puff: *offscreen* Almost ready.
Mr. Krabs: Hurry, boys! Get the flowers!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *runs off*
As Mrs. Puff opens her door.
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff. You're as beautiful as ever.
Mrs. Puff: *sighs* That's funny. I thought I heard SpongeBob and Lincoln's voice.
Mr. Krabs: Uh... you did. He'll be right back. They’re our personal assistant for the day.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, e-excuse me. I have to call my insurance agent. *hurries back inside*
Mr. Krabs: Of course, my beautiful Puff. *sighs and my pupils turn to hearts again*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *offscreen; makes Mr. Krabs heart pupils go away* Mr. Krabs.
SpongeBob and Lincoln while walking to give Mr. Krabs the flowers.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: We got the flowers you wanted me to buy.
Mr. Krabs while turning around.
Mr. Krabs: What's that?
SpongeBob SquarePants: We got the flowers for Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: We had an agreement, boys. You ain't supposed to spend any of me money!
Lincoln Loud: But you said…
As Mr. Krabs' pupils turn to hearts again.
Mrs. Puff: Here I come!
Mr. Krabs while Mrs. Puff opens the door and he grabs the flowers.
Mr. Krabs: For you, Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff: Oh.
As she is grabbing the flowers.
Mrs. Puff: Flowers. Oh, how thoughtful!
While he holds out an empty claw.
Mr. Krabs: And here's a box of chocolates. *turns back to SpongeBob and Lincoln* SpongeBob and Lincoln, where's the chocolates?
Lincoln Loud: Mr. Krabs, the budget doesn't allow for…
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob and Lincoln, you can't go to Mrs. Puff's house without chocolates. Hurry! Hurry!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *runs off, then comes back with the heart-shaped box of chocolates*
Mr. Krabs' pupils returned to normal.
SpongeBob SquarePants: We bought the biggest box they had!
Mr. Krabs: Buy, buy, buy! Spend, spend, spend! Is that all you can think about?!
As Mr. Krabs' pupils turn back into hearts.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, Eugene!
As Mr. Krabs offer Mrs. Puff the box of chocolates.
Mr. Krabs: Here's those chocolates I bought for you. What are we doing today, Mrs. Puff? Dinner? Dancing? A trip to the moon?
SpongeBob and Lincoln while Mr. Krabs' eyes turn back to normal.
Lincoln Loud: Psst, Mr. Krabs, we're just going for a walk in the park, remember?
Mrs. Puff: Actually, a walk in the park sounds perfect. It's a beautiful day. I'll just need to get a sun hat and…
Mr. Krabs while his pupils turn back into hearts.
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff needs a sun hat, SpongeBob and Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, I think she-
Mr. Krabs: The sun is beatin' down on poor Mrs. Puff's head.
SpongeBob SquarePants: As your financial advisor, I suggest-
Mr. Krabs: *my eyes are back to normal* There's no time for suggestions! Go buy a hat!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *starts to leave, but comes back*
Lincoln Loud: But…
Mr. Krabs: Today!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *runs off*
Mrs. Puff: *puts my fins over my mouth*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Don't worry, Mrs. Puff! I'll *takes out a barrel* shade ya! *places the barrel on Mrs. Puff's head*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob and Lincoln, hurry!
As he and SpongeBob come back from the store with a large straw hat.
Lincoln Loud: One shady hat.
Mr. Krabs: Good job, lad. *puts the hat on Mrs. Puff*
Mrs. Puff: Oh, well, thank you, but you didn't need to buy one. I have a hat in the closet.
Mr. Krabs: Didn't need to buy one? *turns my head around like an owl to face SpongeBob and Lincoln, still grinning* You hear that, boy? *in high pitch* We didn't need to buy a hat. *angrily* Aren't you supposed to be saving me money?!
SpongeBob SquarePants: We're trying, Mr. Krabs! But you keep telling us to buy things for Mrs. Puff! It's all really confusing.
Lincoln Loud: Is that right, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, Lincoln, I'm sorry. This is my fault. I'm not thinking clearly. I'm making a sailor's promise, boys. From this moment on, I won't ask you to buy anything for Mrs. Puff!
Time card reading "A Few Moments Later"
French Narrator: A few moments later…
Mr. Krabs: *happily as hearts float in the background* SpongeBob! Lincoln! Mrs. Puff needs a new fur coat!
After SpongeBob and Lincoln buy one, Krabs is mad and flaming dollars float in the background.
Mr. Krabs: You're spending all me money! *happily* Puffy needs a new pair of shoes! 
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *gets the shoes*
Mr. Krabs: *angrily* You're breaking me, boys! *happily* She needs fine jewelry!
SpongeBob SquarePants: *gets the jewelry*
Mr. Krabs: Not that fine!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *runs back and forth, speeds up, carris various items*
As Mr. Krabs keeps yelling his name. He eventually becomes too tired to move.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob and Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *comes back with a pink umbrella*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *comes back with a bicycle*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *comes back with a purple surfboard*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *comes back with a grandfather clock*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *comes back with an anchor barbell*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *comes back with a TV*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Lincoln!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *comes back and forth with lots of presents*
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Lincoln! SpongeBob! Lincoln! SpongeBob! Lincoln! SpongeBob and Lincoln! *my voice echoes*
SpongeBob and Lincoln are seen sitting on the ground, their arms stretched, and they are panting.
Mr. Krabs: *runs up, my eyes are shaped like hearts* SpongeBob and Lincoln! I'm glad I caught you. I want you to buy Mrs. Puff…
Lincoln Loud: Wait! Don't tell me.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You want us to run down to the store and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need! Then you want me to run back here so you can say, *stretches out my eyeballs, imitating Mr. Krabs* "Arrr, SpongeBob! Yer spending all me money!" And then I'll say, "But Mr. Krabs, I'm only doing what you said!" Then you'll say, "We're not talking about this..." *makes the triangle* ..."Or this"... *makes the square* ..."we're talking about this!" *squiggles all over the screen*
The screen fades out for a moment. Fades back in to see SpongeBob and Lincoln panting with Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: But, lad, this time's different! Mrs. Puff needs this!
Screen cuts to Mrs. Puff who has many unneeded, expensive items surrounding her.
Mrs. Puff: Are we going to the park soon?
Mr. Krabs: Please, lad, I'm begging you! I'm a lonely old crustacean who's found love! Don't let me lose her! *tarts to cry*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Mr. Krabs, don't. Don't cry, Mr. Krabs! Come on. Okay, I, I'm going to get it, see? *walks offscreen, and comes back with a washing machine* Cheer up, Mr. Krabs, Here's that washing machine you wanted.
Lincoln Loud: *offscreen* Cheer up.
Mr. Krabs: Cheer up? How can I cheer up... when you're spending all me hard-earned cash?!
SpongeBob SquarePants: See?! You just did it again!
Mr. Krabs: Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *gets a blank expression on my face*
Mr. Krabs Do you think Mrs. Puff will need a dryer to go along with that?
Lincoln Loud: Well, Mr. Krabs. Do you want to know what I think? *screams* Arrgh! Regga flebba breeka brecka smullen-ellen Mr. Krabs! Yegga hegga mergin wallet! Dimmy middy spend! Rivy flivy diva shiva Mr. Krabs wallet!
Mrs. Puff: *during Lincoln’s rage, looks up these words in the dictionary that Mr. Krabs bought me, and gasps and blushes*
SpongeBob SquarePants: *angrily* Arrgh! Regga flebba breeka brecka smullen-ellen!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *angrily walks past Mrs. Puff while muttering*
Mr. Krabs' mouth is agape.
Mrs. Puff: I didn't know SpongeBob and Lincoln had such a colorful vocabulary. Actually, there's something I'd like to say, too, Mr. Krabs. *takes off my fur coat, shoes and hat* I'm afraid I just don't feel comfortable accepting all these gifts. I'd rather go Dutch, if you don't mind. *hands him some money from my purse*
Mr. Krabs: Uh, okay.
Mrs. Puff: You're a very sweet man, Mr. Krabs. *kisses him and his eyes bend into the shape of a heart*
As Mr. Krabs’ eyes make a heart.
Mr. Krabs: Aawww...
*It says "THE END" Episode ends*
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