Episode 217: Julie Andrews/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 217: Julie Andrews.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in. Julie fixes her hair.
Scooter	Julie Andrews? Uh, fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Andrews.
Julie 	Thank you. Thank you, I'll be ready. I'll be ready just so long as nobody else drops in.
 	
 	A gaggle of hollering Muppet monsters fall from the ceiling and surround her.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Julie Andrews! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf whistle along to the music.
 	
 	Gonzo's horn lights up as the stage lights dim.
==Opening number==
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we're very excited around here tonight. Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine. And here she is now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!
 	
 	Julie sings "The Lonely Goatherd" and is joined by a Goat, Kermit (as a prince), and several other Muppet characters.
Rowlf 	(aside) You know, I saw the movie twice.
 	The song finishes. Applause.
Waldorf	Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat.
Statler	(aside) He would... the old goat. (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit, still in costume, goes backstage with the rest of them, also passing a live cow.
Kermit 	OK, great opening number with the goats and the pigs. Way to go, cow. (balks) Cow?
 	He goes closer to investigate.
Kermit 	It's a real cow, all right. Scooter!
Scooter	Yeah, chief?
Kermit 	Scooter, uh, refresh my memory. Uh, was there a cow in that opening number?
Scooter	No.
Kermit 	Then what's a cow doing backstage?!
Scooter	What cow?
Kermit 	That cow right there!
Scooter	(gasps) Kermit, that's a cow!
Kermit 	I know what it is!! How'd it get in here?
Scooter	I guess he must've sneaked in.
Kermit 	Cows don't sneak. Snakes sneak. Uh, find out who it belongs to.
Scooter	OK.
 	
Scooter	Who do you belong to?
Kermit 	Scooter!
Scooter	OK, chief. OK. (exits)
Kermit 	I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey.
==Muppet newsflash==
 	The Newsman runs up to the desk.
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. A plane carrying a load of sports equipment was forced to jettison some of its cargo. Among the items tossed out were ten thousand ping-pong balls …
 	
Newsman	(scowling) …and one bowling ball.
 	BOP! A bowling ball knocks him out.
==Gonzo's act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying musicrobatics never seen before... >ahem< uh, the Great Gonzo will perform on bagpipes the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik from a flagpole, ten feet in the air? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
 	
 	An off-key fanfare plays. Gonzo does his thing, until a hungry beaver chews the pole and causes him to fall. Timber!
Waldorf	(laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Statler	Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo and the beaver go backstage.
Kermit 	Are you OK, Gonzo?
Gonzo 	Oh, sure. I just fell eleven feet onto solid concrete.
Kermit 	Huh, well, that's too bad. It looks like you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe.
Gonzo 	Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin.
Kermit 	Uh, sorry about that beaver. I don't know how it got in here. Usually we're much more careful about who we allow in this place.
Gonzo 	(notices the cow) Yeah, I can see that.
Kermit 	(aside) Yeah, the cow. It's been a bad night for security.
 	
Gonzo 	Wow. You got a great pair of legs. In fact, she's got two great pair of legs. Hey, uh, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you? Will you at least have dinner with me? Promise?
Kermit 	Gonzo!
Gonzo 	Oh. (exits)
Scooter	Hey, chief?
Kermit 	Hmm?
Scooter	Well, so far nobody knows nothing about the cow.
Kermit 	Well, keep trying. We cannot have a cow backstage.
Scooter	Hmm. Well, look on the bright side.
Kermit 	Hmm?
Scooter	At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore.
Kermit 	Scooter!
 	They both run off.
=="Moonlight Sonata"==
	Rowlf plays "Moonlight Sonata" as the moon rises in the background.
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==Talk spot==
 	Kermit and Julie sit at a brick wall with a park backdrop.
Kermit 	You know, Julie, it's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute.
Julie 	Thank you, Kermit, I feel the same way. You know, there's something I was going to ask you.
Scooter	Excuse me, Julie. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit 	Yeah?
Scooter	Your nephew Robin just fell in a tuba.
Julie 	He just what?
Scooter	He fell in a tuba. But, it's OK. Animal's getting him out.
 	A loud BLATT is heard. Robin sails across the stage.
Robin 	Whee!
Scooter	Gesundheit. (exits)
Julie 	Hey, Robin, are you all right?
Robin 	Yeah, it's fun! (exits)
Julie 	Oh, my.
Kermit 	Now, you were saying, Julie?
Julie 	Oh, well, I was gonna ask —
Fozzie 	Uh, excuse me — I hate to interrupt, Julie. Uh, excuse me. Kermit?
Kermit 	Yeah?
Fozzie 	Kermit, uh, did you ask to see the Flying Zucchinis' human cannonball act?
Kermit 	Not right now, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	OK, I'll go tell them. (to Julie) Bye-bye.
Julie 	Bye.
 	A loud bang is heard. A Zucchini brother flies across the stage from left to right.
Fozzie 	(passing by) Uh, Kermit, I was too late, y'see — Oh, never mind.
Kermit 	Yes, you were saying...
 	BANG! Another cannon is heard. Another Zucchini brother flies across the stage from right to left.
Fozzie 	(passing by) Uh, you see, they have two cannons...
Kermit 	OK, OK! Just get out of here!
Fozzie 	Oh! Yes, yes, sir, yes!
Kermit 	Now, I'm sorry, Julie, you were trying to say...
Gonzo 	Kermit! Sweetums and Thog are playing badminton!
Kermit 	So?
Gonzo 	Well, they're playing with my chicken!
 	Camilla is swatted back and forth. Another Zucchini brother flies across the stage. Robin takes another tuba ride. Rinse and repeat.
Kermit 	Uh, Julie, you were asking?
Julie 	Oh, nothing. I just... was wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here.
Kermit 	Oh, nothing much.
 	Scooter, Fozzie and Gonzo all watch the badminton match along with them.
Fozzie 	Fowl!
 	
==At the Dance==
 	The typical "At the Dance" music plays, until Gonzo takes the center and starts to sing.
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Gonzo 	
And now the band is playing very slow. >sniff<
And once again, I'll get my coat and go.
A lonely wallflower waiting by the wall,
Without the willpower to face the music at all.
Please, won't somebody dance with me?
Start up a romance with me?
Just someone to care,
Someone somewhere, who will dance with me?
 	He approaches a couple.
Gonzo 	Uh, excuse me.
Woman 	You're excused!
 	He approaches a pig couple.
Gonzo 	Excuse me, it's, it's time to change partners.
Miss Piggy	No, it's time to change ballrooms, creep.
 	He approaches another couple.
Gonzo 	Excuse me, can I cut in?
Woman 2 	That reminds me, Marvin, did you remember to feed the anteater?
 	
Gonzo 	
Please, won't somebody dance with me?
Start up a romance with me?
(gasps) There she is!
 	He and Camilla twirl around and around as the others watch.
==UK spot==
	
	Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers sing "Borneo."
==Dressing room==
Julie 	Kermit, you've really been busy since I saw you last.
Kermit	Oh, yeah. We've been doing this show and all that stuff.
Julie 	Oh, and I love the shows. I watch them every week.
Kermit	Oh, hey, that's nice. Gee, but, uh, you know, one thing a lot of people don't know about you, is that you write children's books.
Julie 	I really enjoy doing that, too.
Kermit	Mm-hm. And you also write songs.
Julie 	Well, I wrote one for you, remember?
Kermit	You wrote one for me?
Julie 	Oh, Kermit, how could you have forgotten?
Kermit	Oh, I didn't forget. We did it on a special of yours a couple of years ago.
Julie 	That's right.
Kermit	Hey, would you do that now?
Julie 	Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
 	Music swells up and the lights dim to a nautical blue.
Kermit	(aside) Actually, I knew she was gonna do it.
 	They giggle.
Julie 	Ready?
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
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Julie 	
When you were a tadpole,
And I was a fish,
When the whole world had barely begun…
Kermit	As far back as that?
Julie 	Mm-hmm.
I saw you swim by,
With a smile in your eye,
And I loved you from that moment on.
Kermit	That's a lovely thought.
Julie 	
And through all the changes
From fins into fingers,
I longed for the day you would be…
The sweet loving person
You've finally become
From that faraway day in the sea.
And my first wish …
Kermit	What's that?
Julie 	
That you'd love me too,
 'Cause I've loved you since you were 
A tadpole, and I was a fish.
Kermit	Oh, that really is a lovely song.
Julie 	Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit.
Kermit	It's a little bit fishy.
Julie 	Oh. (chuckles)
Kermit	I... I really love it, though. And I love when you sing it.
Julie 	Thank you.
I'm so glad that you love me too,
 'Cause I've loved you since you were
A tadpole … and I was… Guess what.
Kermit	A fish?
Julie 	A fish.
 	Kermit snuggles up to her. Applause.
==Editorial==
 	Sam walks up to the podium as his fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle	>ahem< Greetings. As an American eagle, I feel it is my duty to say a few words about the glories of industry and technology. There are those among us... (looks around) … who would silence our factories, shut down our mills and grind our highways to a halt. Yea, verily, today the very fiber of our industrialization is under attack from a small, subversive group of namby-pamby conservationists. These weirdos would stop the march of progress for the sake of a few insignificant animals.
 	
Sam the Eagle	I have here a list! A list of the animals these so-called "conservationists" would have us protect! Just listen to this. The mountain lion. Hah! The alligator. Huh! The coyote, the timber wolf. Ha. The American bald eagle. (looks again) The American bald eagle? (tosses the paper) Excuse me, this list is now inoperative.
 	He exits.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo, holding flowers and candy, looks for the cow.
Gonzo 	Where's the cow? We had a date!
Scooter 	Oh, she's gone.
 	
Gonzo 	Oh. Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken. (exits)
Kermit 	Say, where's the cow?
Scooter 	Oh, well, I finally found someone who's gonna do something with her.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah? Who?
Scooter 	The Swedish Chef.
Kermit 	Eep!
 	
 	They both rush over. Meanwhile, the Chef is painting cross-sections on the cow.
Kermit 	What are you doing?
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de bårbecüe.
Kermit 	You can't do that. Come on, out, out.
 	He shoos the Chef away.
Kermit 	Now, Scooter?
Scooter 	Hmm?
Kermit 	Uh, would you erase that cow? (exits)
Scooter 	Oh, sure, boss. (aside) Erase the cow?
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, we are just feverishly excited here at the labs today because our latest invention is ready for testing. Here it is, Muppet Labs' new hair-growing tonic. And who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker. Come on in here, Beaker.
 	Beaker appears skittish.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Now you would like to — you would just love to test this new hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you, Beaker?
Beaker 	(shakes head) Mm-mm.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Mm-hmm, I knew he would. OK, just sit down on this stool, here. Come on. There you go.
 	He shakes some tonic on Beaker's hair.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	We'll shake a little bit of this on here. Put it down. And massage it in vigorously. Well, yes, now in a matter of seconds you can grow a rich, luxurious head of hair. Go from a baldy to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock. There. Now watch closely, here's the result of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic.
 	
 	Beaker's scalp rockets off his head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Perhaps we should call it "hair-raising" tonic. (snickers)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks at the cow.
Scooter 	Hey, Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys who'll get rid of the cow for you.
Kermit 	Oh, that's great. Who are they?
Scooter 	The Zucchini Brothers.
Kermit 	The human cannonball act?
Scooter 	Yeah, but now they're gonna change it to a cow cannonball act.
 	The Zucchini brothers wheel in a cannon.
Zucchini Brother 1	Booma-booma. OK, now we get it. There'sa the cow. (they grab Kermit)
Kermit 	Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I'm a frog. The cow's over there.
 	
Zucchini Brother 2	Oh! That'sa the cow!
Zucchini Brother 3	Of course-a! We gotta put'a the cow into the cannon.
Zucchini Brothers 	Yeah, booma-booma. Booma-booma.
Kermit 	I don't believe this. I'm gonna go introduce Julie Andrews.
Zucchini Brothers 	Okay, you do the booma-booma?
=="I Whistle a Happy Tune"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Miss Julie Andrews.
 	Open on a dark and spooky park. Monsters dance and hide as Julie enters through the gate, whistling. As she sings "I Whistle a Happy Tune," she tries to fend off the monsters.
 	
Julie 	OK, kids, this has been a lot of fun. I think we should now pretend I get away.
 	She runs away, but the monsters catch up with her and toss her about.
Julie 	Oh, help!
Sweetums	Don't be afraid, Julie. We only wanted your autograph for a picture.
 	The other monsters nod in agreement.
Julie 	Well, I don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment. But, er, there's one at the police station around the corner. Come with me.
 	They all stand up and give the song a proper finish. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, we've come now to the end of another Muppet Show and I must say that this one has been a particularly moo-ving experience. But before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!
Julie 	Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. I've really had a super time on the show.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Julie 	Except for one thing.
Kermit 	Uh, what's that?
 	
Julie 	Well, I seem to have lost my cow around here somewhere.
Kermit 	Cow? That was your cow?
 	BOOM! A cannon is heard.
Julie 	Kermit, what was that?
Kermit 	(stammering) Uh, nothing …
Zucchini Brothers	Yay! Booma-booma!
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
 	The credits roll as Julie asks around.
Julie 	Kermit, about my cow. It was quite small. Have you seen a cow here, has lovely brown eyes and big lashes? You've seen her?
Muppets 	(random)
Julie 	That's funny, she was here when I came in.
 	
Gonzo 	Wanna go to a movie or... grab a steak?
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts