Wizard 34

Chapter 34
Richard wakes up. Kahlan is back! Yay!. She says that she decided to stay and watch him after she left, and eventually realized that Shota was sort of tricking her into wanting to kill herself (duh). She quotes the famous old women's proverb, “Never let a beautiful woman pick your path for you when there is a man in her line of sight.” Seems kind of...long and convoluted for an old proverb, but I guess they like 'em long and convoluted in the Midlands. Also specific. Anyway, Kahlan realized that she was letting Shota pick her path for her, so she changed her mind on the whole “feed myself to the Fishapalooza” idea. Richard is happy.
But! Kahlan has to tell Richard her Big Secret, and she's afraid that once he hears it, he'll want her to go away again, and then she probably will feed the Fishes (sorry). Her secret is...she is a Confessor.
Richard is all, What's a Confessor? Kahlan explains that she is a magical creature, and the magic is passed on from mother to daughter. Her Magical Mystery Power is the Power of Love! Really! That's what the book says! \~/
Richard finds this amusing, but Kahlan explains that “Once touched by it, you are no longer the person you were. You are changed forever. Forevermore you are devoted to the one who touches you, to the exclusion of all else. What you wanted, what you were, who you were, no longer means anything to you. You would do anything for the one who touches you. Your life is no longer yours; it is hers. Your soul is no longer yours; it is hers. The person you were no longer exists.”
This doesn't sound like love to me; more like a mental disorder. Obsession. Whatever the book might say, this is not love.
It lasts forever, apparently, and there's no way to remove the effect. Richard compares it to bewitching people, which is odd since we've never gotten a definition of “bewitch.” Also, isn't bewitching magic? What would a Westland woods guide, who's been in the Midlands for two weeks or so, know about magic? \~/
We learn that witches hate Confessors because they get to be capitalized...okay, it's actually because they're jealous (so says Kahlan) of the fact that, once touched by a Confessor's power, the touchee is totally devoted. I guess witches only get charm person, not dominate person. Also, I guess all witches get the same powers and all are equally jealous of Confessors for the same reason, eh? \~/
A Confessor's touch works on “everything human,” except Darken Rahl because he's protected by plot armor the magic of Orden. It mostly doesn't work on nonhumans because “they don't have the capacity for compassion.” Uh-huh. Tell that to anyone who's ever had a cat or a dog. \~/ Anyway, this is what Kahlan did to Shar, the night wisp, because Shar was dying alone and wanted to feel love to blot out the pain and loneliness. Which, actually, makes perfect sense . . . except that Shar wasn't human.
Dammit Terry; you literally just established these rules. \~/
We learn that a quad consists of four men because it's assumed that one will be touched by the Confessor and probably kill one or two of his quadmates before they kill him, leaving at least one to kill the Confessor (or torture her and leave her alive; whatever). Apparently Kahlan dealt with one quad before she ever came though the boundary; the man she touched successfully killed the other three.
Richard realizes that he didn't have to kill Clown Shoe Man, because Kahlan could have simply obliterated his mind instead (then why didn't she?). Kahlan says that “One man, no matter how big or strong, is no threat to a Confessor.” 
I can't help but wonder what she would do against an archer? Or a man armed with a long spear? Or simply a man who was skilled enough to stab her with his pointy thing without allowing her to touch him? Isn't that a big part of swordsmanship, preventing the other guy from touching you? Heck, even if she touched him as he was swinging, the momentum of his swing might still cut her in half. That's some pretty big talk, Kahlan, and I don't think you can back it up. \~/
Kahlan is a very powerful Confessor, because she regains her power in about two hours; for most Confessors, it takes about a day. Recovery time is inversely proportionate to raw power, it seems, which is why the man Kahlan touched was able to defeat his three quadmates. She also specifically says that a weaker Confessor could not have gotten that result.
I'm sorry, what? I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way; I'm pretty sure that no amount of devotion is going to increase your level of skill. Yes, it will make you willing to make greater sacrifices in pursuit of a goal, but it won't make you better at it. I'm never going to out-fight Bruce Lee just because I really, really want to. \~/
Second, how on earth do you have varying levels of power when the ability in question is “obliterate mind and instill undying devotion?” It sounds like a pretty black-and-white power. Faster recharge times make sense, but how can someone be more devoted than “The person you were no longer exists?” Would the victim of a weaker Confessor be able to resist orders they really didn't want to perform? From Kahlan's description, no. It's all or nothing, which is incompatible with the idea of having varying power levels. It's like being mostly dead, or a little bit pregnant. \~/
Anyway, Confessors are ranked according to their power, with the more powerful ones being of higher position. Kahlan declares that “There is no jealously among the Confessors for those with the strongest power, only deep affection and devotion in times of trouble,” which I find hard to believe. Confessors are still human, and some are going to be selfish and petty. Ambition and competition are a part of human nature, as is jealousy. \~/
Kahlan, as the most powerful Confessor, is known as the Mother Confessor (sounding more and more Catholic here). Apparently the Teflon wedding dress is a Confessor's dress; the Mother Confessor's is white, while those of the lesser Confessors are black. Kahlan is the only Confessor left, as Rahl has killed all the others. And of course, all of the lesser Confessors willingly died to protect Kahlan; not even one of them considered allying with Rahl, or betraying her sisters. \~/ Because Confessors are perfect.
Kahlan goes on to say that “Queens bow down to the Mother Confessor.” The Confessors' headquarters is a place called Aydindril, which I keep wanting to call Aylindril (it seems to flow better to me). This was apparently where the wizards lived before they all committed heroic suicide. Then we get this gem from Kahlan:
“No one holds claim to Aydindril. No ruler would dare lay claim to it; they all fear it, fear the Confessors and the wizards. All the lands of the Midlands contribute to the support of Aydindril. They all pay tribute. Confessors are above the law of any one land,much the same as the Seeker is ultimately above any law but his own. Yet at the same time, we serve all the people of the Midlands though the Central Council.”
This sounds pretty ominous. The Confessors are above the law, and they rule through fear. They exact tribute from the other nations. They “serve all the people” by, apparently, governing them. The Confessors are sounding less like a benevolent society of loving sisters and more like a small, powerful ruling body that can ignore the laws of other lands as they compel anyone who objects to their will. \~/ This probably isn't what Mr Goodkind intended, but it's certainly what I'm getting out of the description. 
Kahlan goes on to say that in the past, some rulers tried to assert their authority over the Confessors, and the Confessors took them with their power and enslaved them. “...those who were taken, were kept in Aydindril as little more than slaves. The Confessors took these old rulers with them when they traveled to the different lands, made them carry provisions and luxuries of travel.” Behold the mercy of the Confessors, as we enslave your king to carry our baggage! While this doesn't seem particularly heinous, neither is it doing much for the image of the Confessors as kind and good.
Kahlan explains how a band of Confessors could sweep through a castle and take the king or queen in a matter of days, which is the reason no land is closed to the Confessors. She says that “Closing a land to a Confessor is tantamount to an admission of guilt, and is sufficient cause for the leader to be taken from power.” Personally, I would think most rulers would prefer to close their land to the band of supernatural women with the power to utterly control anyone they touch, who exact tribute from all the nations, and who claim to be above any law but their own. As a ruler I would consider them an incredibly dangerous threat; even if they're all nice and good, it only takes one dissident to seize control of another land and wreak untold havoc. I would bar the Confessors from my land on pain of death. But that's just me, assuming Confessors are human with human thoughts and weaknesses. \~/\~/
More Confessor infodumping. Richard asks why “Confessor” (as opposed, I guess, to “Mindrapist”). It turns out that the ancient wizards hated lies and deception, and rather than invent a truth-spell or a lie-detector or anything like that, they decided to create a group of women with the power to UTTERLY DOMINATE THE MINDS OF OTHERS. The idea was, these woman would take someone by touching them with their power, then order the person to confess his crimes, and the suspect could not refuse. \~/ Sure. That's MUCH better than a lie-detector spell. 
So the Confessors use their powers on those condemned to death to make sure the right person is being executed. This, apparently, isn't universal in the Midlands, but it is common. A condemned person can also demand the services of a Confessor to prove his innocence, at the obvious cost of his free will and individuality.
Kahlan angsts about the first man she Confessed, the horrible things he did and how she ordered him to die and he did. This apparently scared her wizard speechless. Richard, demonstrating that a high intellect is not necessary to be either a woods guide or a Seeker, can't imagine why on earth Confessors would be feared and hated. \~/ (Here's a hint, Richard: They can destroy your mind with a touch.) Confessors are also hated because they are independent, and because they grow their hair long. Long hair, you will recall, is a sign of status among women of the Midlands (and there's still no hint of an equivalent system for men, which makes this sexist). \~/ Kahlan makes a woe-is-me speech about how “It is ironic that we [Confessors] are less free than they, yet they don't see that part of it. We do their distasteful tasks for them, and yet we are not free to choose what we will do with our own lives. We are prisoners of our power.”
Oh, excuse me a moment while I weep for the poor Confessors. They are born into privilege, exact tribute from all the other nations of the Midlands, force rulers to bow to them, wear their hair long as a sign of defiance, and are protected by wizards. In return, they preside over executions. How terrible are their lives. \~/\~/
Kahlan also comments that “I have found that people do not often want to believe the truth. It is of little value to them.” Which has the feel of a philosophical lesson to it, but also smacks of elitism, especially since it's buried in the middle of the “poor Confessors” speech. In another context I might feel differently, but here it comes across as Kahlan moaning about the horrible common people who don't understand her tragic plight. As such, it's not sympathetic at all; quite the opposite.
Next, we learn about how Confessors choose mates. o_O When a Confessor is old enough to “be a proper mother” (the book doesn't indicate whether this is 16 or 30, though Kahlan is “long past the time [she] should have chosen a mate”), she must pick someone to father her children. This can be anyone, even a married man – remember, Confessors are above the laws because...they just are. \~/ This tends to understandably annoy people, especially the friends, relatives, and possibly wives of the chosen man, but, as Kahlan reminds us, “They all know they have no say in the matter; any who stood in the way of a Confessor's choosing would be taken by her.”
I have zero sympathy for the Confessors. Zero. They are tyrants who take what they want and mindrape anyone who objects. For all Kahlan's angsting and poor-me blather, the Confessors she describes are horrible people who pass judgment on the condemned as a salve to their consciences. \~/\~/
The reason for this is that a Confessor cannot restrain her power during the throes of passion. Any man a Confessor sleeps with will be mindraped and have their personality destroyed, so Confessors choose mates based on physical strength and health and so forth, rather than personality. And immediately I detect a problem with this scenario.
A typical Confessor takes about a day to recover her power, once expended. During this time, what's to stop her from sleeping with a man without destroying his mind? Couldn't she expend her power on rocks, or trees, or rats? It's implied that Kahlan's adopted sister was raped by the quad that (sort of) killed her, which indicates that this scenario is entirely possible. Is it weird and somewhat uncomfortable? Yes, but it sure beats kidnapping and mindraping decent men, destroying their marriages, and subjecting their friends and families to unnecessary misery and heartbreak. \~/\~/
Anyway, Richard realizes that he can never have any sweet, sweet Kahlan-nookie, and they both moan about this for a while. Then Richard asks whether the Confessors ever have any male children. It turns out that they do, but “The power is stronger in them; they need no time to recover. Sometimes, the power becomes everything to them, corrupts them.”
“For some reason, it takes the unique compassion of a woman to handle the power, to be free from its corrupting influence.”
And here we have more sexism, as well as some misandry. Male Confessors are inherently more powerful than female Confessors, for no apparent reason. \~/ But male Confessors are also inherently corrupt, also for no apparent reason. \~/ (I use the term “corrupt” loosely here, given the actions of the female Confessors.)
Nowadays, male children born to Confessors are killed in a fashion I shall not share, but that earns another drink. \~/ Which means that the merciful, self-sacrificing Confessors also murder about 50% of their children. Yeah. Wonderful people. \~/ 
Kahlan and Richard are miserable about how they can't be together, and have a good angst-fest. I find myself disliking both of them immensely. And the chapter finally, finally ends.
Drinks: 26
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