Transcripts/The Luminous Fish Effect

==Season 1 - Episode 04 - The Luminous Fish Effect==
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Sheldon 	You know, I’ve been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard 	Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon 	Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine, I'd just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard 	Interesting.
Sheldon 	Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
Leonard 	Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)
Sheldon 	It's time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.
Leonard 	Then I guess congratulations are in order.
Sheldon 	No, congratulations will have been in order. You know, I'm not going to enjoy this party.
Leonard 	I know, I'm familiar with you.
Sheldon 	At the last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard 	Yes, I was there.
Sheldon 	You know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	Nothing.
Leonard 	Well then we'll avoid Finkleday, we'll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand and go.
Sheldon 	How's this? Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehouser. How fortunate for you that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.
Leonard 	Mahalo's a nice touch.
Sheldon 	Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.
Leonard 	Interesting, you should lead with that.
Scene 	The department party. Sheldon, Raj and Leonard are at the buffet table.
Raj 	Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard 	You don't have buffets in India?
Raj 	Of course, but it's all Indian food. You can't find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.
Sheldon 	Well here's an interesting turn of events.
Leonard 	What. (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?
Sheldon 	A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.
Howard 	Hey, what up, science bitches? May I introduce my special lady friend, Summer. (Puts arm around her.)
Summer 	I already told you, touching's extra.
Howard 	Right. Sorry.
Leonard 	(To Sheldon) Here comes our new boss, be polite.
Gablehouser	Hi fellas, Eric Gablehouser.
Howard 	Howard Wolowitz.
Gablehouser	Howard, nice to meet you, and you are?
Sheldon 	An actual real scientist. (To Leonard) How was that?
Scene 	The stairwell of the apartment building. Sheldon is carrying a box of his things.
Sheldon 	I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard 	Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon 	In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”
Scene 	The apartment, Sheldon is in the kitchen cooking, Leonard enters.
Leonard 	Morning
Sheldon 	Morning.
Leonard 	You're making eggs for breakfast?
Sheldon 	This isn't breakfast, it's an experiment.
Leonard 	Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.
Sheldon 	I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
Leonard 	Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.
Sheldon 	As do I.
Leonard 	You know, I'm sure if you just apologized to Gablehouser he would give you your job back.
Sheldon 	I don't want my job back. I’ve spent the last three and a half years staring at grease boards full of equations. Before that I spent four years working on my thesis. Before that I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade. This is my first day off in decades, and I'm going to savour it.
Leonard 	Okay. I'll let you get back to fixing your eggs.
Sheldon 	I'm not just fixing my eggs, I'm fixing everyone's eggs.
Leonard 	And we all thank you.
Sheldon 	Use new eggs. (There is a knock on the door).
Penny 	(Popping her head round) Hi, hey. I'm running out to the market, do you guys need anything?
Sheldon 	Oh, well this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.
Penny 	I'm sorry?
Sheldon 	I need eggs. Four dozen should suffice.
Penny 	Four dozen?
Sheldon 	Yes, and evenly distributed amongst brown, white, free range, large, extra-large and jumbo.
Penny 	Okay, one more time?
Sheldon 	Never mind, you won't get it right, I'd better come with you.
Penny 	Oh, yay!
Scene 	Penny’s car
Penny 	How come you didn't go into work today.
Sheldon 	I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kow-tow to mediocre minds.
Penny 	So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon 	Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.
Penny 	Well, maybe it's all for the best, you know I always say, when one door closes, another one opens.
Sheldon 	No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or there are motion sensors involved.
Penny 	No, no, I meant...
Sheldon 	Or the first door closing causes a change of air pressure that acts upon the second door.
Penny 	Never mind.
Sheldon 	Slow down. Slow down, please slow down.
Penny 	We’re fine.
Sheldon 	Look, you're not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Penny 	Oh, sure I am.
Sheldon 	No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let's say 4,000lb, now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.
Penny 	120?
Sheldon 	Oh, I'm sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
Penny 	Well, yeah.
Sheldon 	Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let's say, 4,400lb.
Penny 	Let's say 4,390.
Sheldon 	Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now let's assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, we'll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation and... oh look, they built a new put-put course.
Scene 	The supermarket.
Sheldon 	This is great. Look at me, out in the real world of ordinary people, just living their ordinary, colourless, workaday lives.
Penny 	Thank you.
Sheldon 	No, thank you. And thank you, ordinary person. Hey, you want to hear an interesting thing about tomatoes.
Penny 	Uh, no, no not really. Listen, didn't you say you needed some eggs.
Sheldon 	Uh, yes, but anyone who knows anything about the dynamics of bacterial growth knows to pick up their refrigerated foods on the way out of the supermarket.
Penny 	Oh, okay, well maybe you should start heading on out then.
Sheldon 	No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you'll really enjoy this, is, they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
Penny 	Interesting.
Sheldon 	Isn't it?
Penny 	No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Sheldon 	(As Penny selects vitamin supplements) Oh boy.
Penny 	What now?
Sheldon 	Well, there's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much, what you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Penny 	Well, maybe that's what I was going for.
Sheldon 	Well then you'll want some manganese.
Scene 	On the stairwell of the apartment building.
Sheldon 	That was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can go to one of those big warehouse stores.
Penny 	Oh, I don't know Sheldon, it's going to take me a while to recover from all the fun I had today.
Sheldon 	Are you sure? There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one month's supply at a time.
Penny 	What?
Sheldon 	Well think about it, it's a product that doesn't spoil, and you're going to be needing them for at least the next thirty years.
Penny 	You want me to buy thirty years worth of tampons?
Sheldon 	Well, thirty, thirty five, hey, when did your mother go into menopause?
Penny 	Okay, I'm not talking about this with you.
Sheldon 	Oh, Penny, this is a natural human process, and we’re talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28-day cycle, are you fairly regular? (Penny shuts door in his face.) Okay, no warehouse store, but we’re still on for put-put golf, right?
Scene 	The apartment, Sheldon has several bowls containing goldfish.
Leonard 	(Entering) Hey, I just ran into Penny, she seemed upset about something.
Sheldon 	I think it's her time of the month. I marked the calendar for future reference.
Leonard 	What's with the fish?
Sheldon 	It's an experiment.
Leonard 	What happened to your scrambled egg research?
Sheldon 	Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to be.
Leonard 	So... fish.
Sheldon 	I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.
Leonard 	Fish nightlights.
Sheldon 	It's a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!
Leonard 	Mum's the word. Sheldon, are you sure you don't want to just apologize to Gablehouser and get your job back.
Sheldon 	Oh, no, no, no. No, I’ve too much to do.
Leonard 	Like luminous fish.
Sheldon 	Shhhhh!
Leonard 	Right... I didn't....
Sheldon 	That's just the beginning. I also have an idea for a bulk mail-order feminine hygiene company. Oh, glow in the dark tampons! Leonard, we’re going to be rich.
Scene 	The stairwell of the apartment building.
Leonard 	Thanks for coming on such short notice.
Mary Cooper	You did the right thing calling.
Leonard 	I didn't know what else to do, he's lost all focus, every day he's got a new obsession. (They enter the apartment. Sheldon is weaving on a loom. He is wrapped in a poncho.) This is a particularly disturbing one.
Sheldon 	(Looking around) Mommy?
Mary Cooper	Hi baby.
Sheldon 	(Mouths) You called my mother?
Mary Cooper	Oh, you got yourself a loom, how nice.
Sheldon 	Thank you.
Mary Cooper	Honey, why did you get a loom?
Sheldon 	I was working with luminous fish, and I thought, hey, loom! Mom, what are you doing here?
Mary Cooper	Leonard called me.
Sheldon 	I know, but why?
Leonard 	Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.
Sheldon 	This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone's mother.
Leonard 	Really, when was the last time you left the house.
Sheldon 	I went to the market with Penny.
Leonard 	That was three weeks ago.
Sheldon 	Well then buckle up, in the next four to eight days she's going to get very crabby.
Mary Cooper	Sweetheart, your little friend is concerned about you.
Sheldon 	Yes, well I'm not a child, I'm a grown man capable of living my life as I see fit. And I certainly don't need someone telling on me to my mother.
Leonard 	Where are you going?
Sheldon 	To my room, and no-one's allowed in.
Mary Cooper	He gets his temper from his daddy.
Leonard 	Oh.
Mary Cooper	He's got my eyes.
Leonard 	I see.
Mary Cooper	All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.
Scene 	Everyone but Sheldon is in the kitchen of the apartment.
Leonard 	Sheldon? Your mom made dinner.
Sheldon 	(Off) I'm not hungry.
Mary Cooper	Oh, Leonard, don't trouble yourself, he's stubborn. He may stay in there ‘til the Rapture.
Penny 	Are we so sure that's a bad thing?
Mary Cooper	I'll tell ya, I love the boy to death, but he has been difficult since he fell out of me at the K-Mart.
Howard 	Excuse me for being so bold, but I now see where Sheldon gets his smouldering good looks.
Mary Cooper	Oh, honey that ain’t going to work, but you keep trying. (To Raj) I made chicken, I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic? You know, we have an Indian gentleman at our church, a Dr Patel, it's a beautiful story, the lord spoke to him, and moved him to give us all 20% off on lasic, you know, those that needed it.
Leonard 	That is a lovely story, um, are we going to do anything about Sheldon?
Mary Cooper	Oh, we will, you have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, God rest his soul, used to say to me, Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon.
Leonard 	Sounds like a wise man.
Mary Cooper	Oh, not so wise, he was trying to fight a bobcat for some liquorish. So, everybody grab a plate, and a pretty place mat that Shelly wove.
Penny 	Has Shelly ever freaked out like this before.
Mary Cooper	Oh, all the time, I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was going to provide free electricity for the whole town, well the only problem was he had no, whatchacall, fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down real gentle and told him it's against the law to have yellow cake uranium in a shed.
Penny 	What happened?
Mary Cooper	Well, the poor boy had a fit, locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
Leonard 	A death ray?
Mary Cooper	Well, that's what he called it, didn't even slow down the neighbour kids. It pissed our dog off to no end. You know, you two make a cute couple.
Leonard 	No, we’re not, we’re not, not a couple, singles, two singles, like those individually wrapped slices of cheese that.... are friends.
Mary Cooper	Did I pluck a nerve there?
Howard 	Oh yeah.
Mary Cooper	Okay. Alright everybody, it's time to eat. (Everybody begins to do so) Oh Lord, we thank you for this meal, all your bounty, and we pray that you help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Raj and Howard) Now after a moment of silent meditation I'm going to end with “In Jesus’ Name” but you two don't feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you.
Penny 	Oh my God, this is the best cobbler I’ve ever had.
Mary Cooper	It was always Sheldon’ s favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny 	Love?
Mary Cooper	Lard.
Howard 	Hey, look who's come out....
Mary Cooper	Shhh! You'll spook him. He's like a baby deer, you gotta let him come to you.
Leonard 	This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You're a physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room. (Sheldon scuttles away)
Mary Cooper	You don't hunt, do you?
Scene 	Sheldon’s bedroom. He is building a model of some kind of double helix. There is a knock on the door.
Mary Cooper	(Entering) Good morning, snicker-doodle.
Sheldon 	Morning.
Mary Cooper	Oh, well that looks awful fancy, what is that?
Sheldon 	It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon based life form.
Mary Cooper	But intelligently designed by a creator, right?
Sheldon 	What do you want, mom?
Mary Cooper	You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you got to throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
Sheldon 	Yeah.
Mary Cooper	Well, I'm done fishing. (Throwing a pair of trousers on the bed) You put those on.
Sheldon 	What for?
Mary Cooper	Because you're going to go down to your office, you're going to apologize to your boss, and get your job back.
Sheldon 	No.
Mary Cooper	I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words “if it please your highness?”
Sheldon 	I'm not going to apologize, I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Mary Cooper	Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody but you can't go around pointing it out.
Sheldon 	Why not?
Mary Cooper	Because people don't like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbour kids? Now let's get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off. (Exits)
Sheldon 	Wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had worked.
Scene 	The kitchen
Mary Cooper	Problem solved.
Leonard 	Really? That's impressive.
Mary Cooper	Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
Scene 	Dr. Gablehouser’s office
Mary Cooper	Excuse me, Dr Gablehouser, are you busy?
Gablehouser	Well, actually....
Mary Cooper	Sheldon, he's just doodling, get in here.
Sheldon 	Dr Gablehouser.
Gablehouser	Dr Cooper.
Mary Cooper	Let's go, baby, we’re losing daylight.
Sheldon 	Um, as you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong. To point it out.
Gablehouser	(To Mary Cooper) I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced. Dr Eric Gablehouser.
Mary Cooper	Mary Cooper, Sheldon's mom.
Gablehouser	Now that's impossible, you must have had him when you were a teenager.
Mary Cooper	Oh, aren't you sweet, his father's dead.
Gablehouser	Recently?
Mary Cooper	Long enough.
Gablehouser	(Indicating chair) Please. Sheldon, shouldn't you be working?
Sheldon 	(Leaving) Okay.
Leonard 	Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon 	I got my job back.
Leonard 	Really? What happened?
Sheldon 	I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
Leonard 	That narrows it down.
Scene 	Sheldon’s bedroom. Mary Cooper is tucking him in.
Mary Cooper	I'm very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon 	Thanks, mom. Mom?
Mary Cooper	Mmm-hmm?
Sheldon 	Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?
Mary Cooper	We'll see. Sleep tight.
To the original text
Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)