Episode 109: Garbage/transcript

==Cold open / Jim's Introduction==
 	Open on Muppet Central with Bean Bunny.
Bean Bunny 	Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, a cuteness special! Bean Bunny, that's me, "A Rabbit and His Whistle." Ha, ha!
 	Blows whistle as Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Oh good, something cute to start our show.
Bean Bunny 	You betcha!
Kermit 	Digit?
Digit 	Yes.
Kermit 	Hit it.
Digit 	Oh, hit it.
 	Digit presses the wrong button. Bean and Kermit scream as bags of garbage fall on them.
Digit 	I uh, think that's all the garbage we've got, Kermit. Uh, Kermit, when you said "Hit it" just now were you not referring to the trash-eject button?
Kermit 	(Groans angrily, meaning "no")
Digit 	Did you, in fact, mean cue the opening title sequence?
Kermit 	(Groans, meaning "yes")
Digit 	Oh, you should have said something.
Bean Bunny 	(Blows whistle) Ta-da! (Screams as Kermit throws him aside)
Kermit 	Cue the opening!!
 	Digit presses the correct button and the opening titles roll. Jim enters home base.
Jim 	Hi there, and welcome to our show. (Notices the lion eating) What's that? Nacho corn chips? You're going to spoil your appetite that way. Later in the show, we're gonna return to the magical world of The Storyteller and the tale of "Sapsorrow."
 	A clip is shown as a teaser.
Jim 	But before that, Kermit is visited by country and western singer K.D. Lang. Kermit, what else do you have for us?
Kermit 	Uh. Well, for one thing, I've got garbage.
 	The garbage comes to life.
Garbage (RM)	Actually, we prefer the term, "previously essential material."
 	The other garbage bags agree and laugh. Blackout.
==MuppeTelevison Act 1==
===Bootsie and Brad===
Garbage (DR)	Wow, look at all those TVs. Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?
Garbage (GR)	Hey, you're, you're a Muppet.
Garbage (KC)	Kermit the Frog! I watch you all the time. It's Kermit the frog!
Kermit 	Uh yeah, yeah. Hey, hey listen, if I have to be surrounded by talking garbage, okay. But, uh, will you guys just try to stay out of the way, because I got a TV show to put on here.
 	Just then Waldo C. Graphic enters alarmed.
Waldo 	Demographic alert! Ratings crisis! Bad reaction from the pre-teen females.
Kermit 	Uh, what? Little girls don't like garbage?
Waldo 	(Turns into teenage girl) Like, garbage? Ooh, yuck! Stinko gross! (Turns back to self) But we can bring them back with "Spot That Blemish" on monitor seven.
Kermit 	Uh, well Waldo, I'm a little busy now, okay? Hey Digit, are we standing by with the conspicuous consumption channel?
 	The garbage bags cheer.
Waldo 	Demographics don't include you guys.
Garbage (DR)	Why not? We've got plenty of disposable income! (The garbage bags laugh)
Kermit 	Let a rip, Digit.
 	Amanda is about to play with her dolls and notices Foo-Foo growling and messing up a doll dress.
Amanda 	Go away, Freddy. I just dressed Bootsie in her new yellow dress. Brad will just love you in this, Bootsie.
Bootsie 	This new party dress is fabulous. But when Brad sees me in my new Bootsie swimsuit, he'll flip out.
 	Brad enters through the door.
Brad 	Knock, knock, it's me.
Bootsie 	Hi, Brad.
Brad 	Wow, swingy new dress, Bootsie.
Bootsie 	Thanks, Brad. I bought it for Missy's wedding. Brad, did you ever wonder what it would be like if we were married?
Brad 	Well sure, Bootsie. I've thought about it.
Bootsie 	I know what. Let's pretend we're married.
Brad 	Sure thing, Bootsie. What do I do?
Bootsie 	You just came home from a hard day's work. Go out and come in again.
Brad 	What a nutty chick! Okay, Bootsie, here goes.
 	Brad walks into the door. Bootsie interprets this as a knock.
Bootsie 	Come in.
Brad 	Honey, I'm home.
Bootsie 	Now I come up and give you a kiss.
Brad 	I like that part.
 	They go up to each other and kiss.
Brad 	Wow, I think I'll go out and come in again.
 	Amanda and Foo-Foo watch the action.
Bootsie 	What did you do all day, dear?
Brad 	I worked in the office. And say, when I come home from work, I like to put up my feet and relax.
Bootsie 	Would hubby like something to drink?
Brad 	I think I'll have a club soda with a twist of lime.
 	Amanda takes a tiny cup, puts water from the dog bowl in it and hands it to Brad.
Amanda 	Here's your drink, Brad.
Bootsie 	How's everything, hubby?
Brad 	Well, you forgot the lime. (A lime slice falls) Oh, thanks. Cheers. (Gets doused with water) That's honest refreshment, honey. What did you all day?
Bootsie 	I bought this cute little party dress, and I bought this cute little purse. Tomorrow I'll buy a cute little car.
Brad 	Hey, watch out, honey, you're spending all my money. (Laughs)
Bootsie 	No, I'll use my own money. I'm going to get a job as an oil sheik.
Brad 	Oh wow, what a kooky girl! How about some fun in the sun, Bootsie? Beach, anyone?
Bootsie 	Sure! But first I better take off my new party dress and put on my new Bootsie swimsuit.
Brad 	Go right ahead.
Bootsie 	Okay, turn around.
Brad 	Why should I?
Bootsie 	Because we're not really married. You can't watch me change my clothes.
Brad 	Please, Bootsie.
Bootsie 	No, Brad! You see, I am a girl, and you are a boy.
Brad 	What's the difference?
Bootsie 	Girls have bumps.
Brad 	But from the waist down, we're exactly the same, right?
Bootsie 	That's absolutely right!
Brad 	You know, Bootsie, I like playing married. Do you think maybe...
Bootsie 	Yes, Brad?
Brad 	I mean, would you ever think about...
 	But before Brad could finish, Foo-Foo grabs Bootsie and starts messing her up.
Amanda 	Stop that, Freddy! You'll get slobber all over Bootsie!
Brad 	Darn, just when things were starting to get steamy. Bootsie's no fun when she's covered in dog slobber.
===Trash Preacher===
 	Back at the studio, a garbage bag reacts to the previous segment.
Garbage (KC) 	Hmm. Good premise, not enough garbage. (Sniffs)
Garbage (GR) 	Hey, over here. We got Billy Jo Dumpster on the garbage channel.
Garbage (RM) 	Oh! Turn it up!
 	Kermit and Digit watch from afar.
Digit 	Wow, an entire channel devoted to garbage.
Kermit 	I've never heard of that.
Bean Bunny 	(Pops up) Welcome to America. (Pops back down)
Billy Jo Dumpster	(From the monitor) But very soon the world will be ours, fellow baggies! The garb age! Our lives are no longer a waste of time, 'cause this is the time of waste!
 	The garbage bags cheer.
Digit 	Kermit, the garbage is revolting.
Bean Bunny 	(Sliding across the frame) Don't go for the cheap ones, Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, listen, the guest star number is coming up, I'd give anything to get rid of all this garbage.
Leon 	Anything?
Kermit 	Under $100.
Leon 	Okay, leave it to me.
Kermit 	Uh Digit, uh punch up the guest star channel.
 	Digit presses button cueing up the next segment.
===(Waltz Me) Once Again Around That Dance Floor===
 	Country music plays in a barn dance with Link Hogthrob as an announcer.
Link 	And now, if for y'all put your hands together and welcome one of the great new stars of country music, K.D. Lang.
 	K.D. Lang performs "(Waltz Me) Once Again Around That Dance Floor" backed by the band. Several Muppets, including Gonzo, dance around her and provide backup vocals.
Clifford 	Saw that thing man!
 	Back at the studio.
Garbage (KC)	We liked that. And the flies liked it, too.
Kermit 	Oh good. Yeah, the flies, that's a tough audience to capture.
Garbage (KC)	Tell me about it.
 	Just then, two cowboys on their horses enter.
Slim 	Hey, whoa! You must be the frog.
Gramps 	Yeah, we're friends of the lizard. Where's those critters you want vamoosed?
Kermit 	Uh, uh, well you see that garbage over there?
Slim 	Garbage? What the Sam Hill?
Gramps 	Tie a knot in it, Slim! 20 bucks is 20 bucks. Alright, let's move them out!
Slim 	Hey, get along, little baggies!
 	The cowpokes move the garbage bags out as Leon enters.
Leon 	Yes, indeedy! So, are these guys great or what Kerm? Huh, huh, huh? Now about that $120, you got the cash on you?
Kermit 	Leon, I said $100.
Leon 	What? It says here in this contract Kerm...
Kermit 	I never, I never signed any contract. That contract is garbage.
 	Suddenly the garbage bags chase the cowboys through the room.
Slim 	Whoa! Gangway! Stampede!
Garbage (KC)	You called for garbage, frog?
Kermit 	I don't believe it, trampled by a herd of garbage.
Bean Bunny 	The garbage? Of course I've heard of garbage.
Kermit 	No, the garbage herd.
Bean Bunny 	I don't care what the garbage heard. Bean Bunny knows no shame.
 	Bean Bunny blows whistle and exits. Kermit scowls as the garbage laughs. Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 2==
===I Love Trash===
 	Open on Kermit at his desk. K.D. Lang and Clifford are shown on a monitor.
Kermit 	What this show needs is some good, clean fun. Oh look, it's K.D. Lang again.
 	Cuts to K.D. Lang and Clifford sitting together when the garbage bags arrive.
Garbage (JN)	You the singer?
K.D. 	Yes.
Garbage (JN)	Sing this.
Garbage (DG)	Sing it. Sing it.
Garbage (SW)	Yeah.
K.D. 	What is this?
Garbage (JN)	We call it "Trash punk."
Garbage (SW)	Yeah, it's kind of a fusion.
Garbage (JN)	Never mind, just sing it.
K.D. 	"I Love Trash?!"
Garbage (DG)	Yeah, sing it.
 	K.D. Lang and the garbage bags perform "I Love Trash" with Clifford on guitar.
Garbage (JN)	With material like that you'll be an overnight sensation!
K.D. 	But, there's only one problem. I "don't" love trash. I'm a strong advocate of solid waste management.
Garbage (JN)	Get her! Get her!
 	The garbage bags attack K.D. Lang.
Clifford 	Hey, that's the guest star! Get away from her, you dirty bags!
===Nightingale Story===
 	Back at the studio, the garbage bags are protesting.
All Garbage 	Trash!
Garbage (JN) 	And when do we want it?
All Garbage 	Very, very soon!
Garbage (KC) 	I don't know, it's still not right.
Kermit 	Excuse me, excuse me. There was a time when taking out the garbage was a simple idea.
Waldo 	Are we having a party? Could you introduce me to the flies? Is there going to be a clown? (Turns into a laughing clown)
Kermit 	Waldo!
Digit 	The woodland setting you wanted is on monitor two Kermit. And I've put an end to the garbage bag invasion. (Gets hit by a garbage bag) That's it, now I'm getting serious.
Kermit 	Digit. I need a break. Did he say monitor two?
Waldo 	Don't worry, Kermit. I'll find it.
 	Waldo pushes a garbage bag out of the way to reveal the monitor.
Kermit 	Ah. That's more like it. A quiet forest glade.
 	Switches to the next segment. In a quiet forest glade, Kermit himself, walks around before settling down.
Kermit 	Ah, the wonders of technology. From grunge to green. Funny how color can make all the difference. In fact, you know, there's a really old wonderful story about that. Hey, gather around, everybody.
 	The forest critters gather around as Kermit clears his throat.
Kermit 	Now, way back at the beginning of things, pretty much when the world began, all the birds were just one color: gray.
 	At that moment a penguin wanders in quacking.
Rabbit (DG) 	What are you doing here?
Kermit 	Uh, uh, The Antarctic Odyssey is over on monitor five.
Penguin 	Sorry.
Kermit 	Anyway, life was real monochromatic. Until one day, the cockatoo made an amazing discovery. You see, he was on his way back to his nest when all of a sudden...
Cockatoo (DG) 	(Squawks) Ooh, what is that? Better take a closer look. I think I'm on to something here. (Touches the color chest, then magically turns white) Say, everybody, look at me! Look what I've found. (Squawks)
 	Birds of all types fly in and notice the cockatoo in amazement.
Bird (SW) 	Look at him. That looks great!
Kermit 	The news spread far and wide, but not quite far enough. It didn't reach deep into the woods where the nightingale was trying his best to find a voice for himself.
Nightingale (SW)	(Squawks) Nope, maybe if I go higher at the end. (Whistles) Hi!
Bluebird (RM) 	Hi! Whatcha doing?
Nightingale (SW)	Listen. (Whistles) What do you think?
Bluebird (RM) 	Um, it's fine, if you're calling a dog. (Laughs)
Nightingale (SW)	Aw. Thanks for the encouragement, bird.
Bluebird (RM) 	Don't call me that.
Nightingale (SW)	It's your name.
Bluebird (RM) 	Yeah, well I don't like it.
Nightingale (SW)	Why not?
Bluebird (RM) 	Cause' it's not a real name. If I'm just bird, then I'm no bird in particular.
Parrot (JH) 	(Squawks) Look at me, look at me!
Nightingale (SW)	Wow! I could swear that was parrot.
Bluebird (RM) 	Naw, parrot's gray, just like us. Aw well, See you later.
Nightingale (SW)	Bye. Strange.
Cockatoo (DG) 	There's not much paint left, cardinal. You'll have to go with all red, okay?
Cardinal (GR) 	Fair enough. At least they'll see me coming.
 	Birds whistle in delight as the cardinal turns red.
Nightingale (SW)	(Squawks)
Bluebird (RM) 	Ta-da! What do you think?
Nightingale (SW)	What happened to you?
Bluebird (RM) 	I got my color.
Nightingale (SW)	You're what?!
Bluebird (RM) 	The cockatoo! He found this box of colors and he's painted us.
Nightingale (SW)	Where?!
Bluebird (RM) 	In the glade! You'd better hurry. By the time he got to me, blue was about all he had left. Hey, now I'm a bluebird. I'm a bluebird! I'm a bluebird! Ha, ha!
Goldfinch (SS) 	Got anything in fuchsia?
Cockatoo (DG) 	Look, finch. A tiny bit of gold is all I've got left. Yes or no?
Goldfinch (SS) 	Oh well, I guess goldfinch has got a nice ring to it. Thank you. But I would have been knockout as fuchsia finch.
Nightingale (SW)	Hey! Hey, wait! Wait!
Cockatoo (DG) 	Oh, you're too late.
Nightingale (SW)	Wha-What?
Cockatoo (DG) 	Sorry, nothing left.
Nightingale (SW)	Oh, please! There has to be something!
Cockatoo (DG) 	Well when it's gone, it's gone. Hey!
 	The nightingale grabs the brush and fights over it with the cockatoo, ends up with the former coughing.
Cockatoo (DG) 	So now you've got a gold tongue. You know something? They should have called you cuckoo bird.
Nightingale (SW)	I guess I'll never be much to look at. (Chirps beautifully) Hey, I think I'm on to something.
 	The nightingale sings beautifully attracting the other birds who listen in awe.
Kermit 	It was the most beautiful music the world has ever heard. The other birds had colors on their wings, but the nightingale had a rainbow in his song. Just like every nightingale ever since. Okay, and that's the story. And now, I think I'd better hop on out of here.
===Human Observation===
 	Kermit hops out of the monitor from the previous segment back into the garbage-infested studio.
Kermit 	Well, back to the same old garbage.
Garbage (RM) 	We shall wash up on the beaches. We shall pile up on the land and in the air. And we shall never surrender!
 	The garbage bags all cheer.
Kermit 	Uh, meanwhile, back in another part of the forest...
 	The next segment begins. A bear reporter is with a scientist raccoon in the woods.
Bear (SW) 	Hi, you've joined us at a very exciting moment. The trail is fresh. And my expert guide, Dr. Emile Lundquist...
Dr. Lundquist	Ssh! We don't want to startle them.
Bear (SW) 	Dr. Lundquist tells me we're getting very close.
Dr. Lundquist	Look! The trail is leading straight to the lair.
Bear (SW) 	Goodness me, there it is!
Dr. Lundquist	Yes, the nest of that most pesky and amusing of all nature's children: the human. (Gasps) Wait!
Bear (SW) 	What?
Dr. Lundquist	Yes, I think we're in luck. Here comes one now. What a beauty! It's a male!
 	A man comes out of the house into the yard.
Bear (SW) 	How can you tell?
Dr. Lundquist	The females have bumps.
Bear (SW) 	Oh, yeah.
Father (CL) 	Oww!
Bear (SW) 	Is that some kind of a feeding call Dr.?
Dr. Lundquist	Exactly. Oh, and it worked. Here comes the female with her young. (The wife and daughter come out as Dr. Lundquist narrates the scenario) You will notice they have caught some small white creatures which they are stabbing with those pointy tools. Then they will hold them over those red-hot coals, until they're dead.
Bear (SW) 	Oh Dr. Lundquist, I don't want to look at this part.
Dr. Lundquist	If you're going to study nature, you'll have to put up with the ugly along with the cute.
 	The father burns his hand on bbq top. His wife tries to help kiss it better.
Dr. Lundquist	We are in luck. What you're witnessing here is the seldom-seen mating ritual of the human.
Bear (SW) 	Looks kinda silly to me.
Dr. Lundquist	It might look silly to you, but as you can see, the female thinks it's irresistibly attractive.
Amanda 	Mom, dad, look! There's a raccoon, a bear, and a film crew in the woods!
 	The parents notice them and the family into the house.
Bear (SW) 	Oh, what a shame! We seemed to have interrupted the mating ritual.
Dr. Lundquist	That's not good at all.
Bear (SW) 	I was really looking forward to that part.
Dr. Lundquist	No, it's worse than that. Oh, a startled human can be very dangerous.
Bear (SW) 	How do you mean?
 	The father fires a gun at the animals. The animals start running away.
Dr. Lundquist	I mean like that!
Bear (SW) 	With any luck, we'll see you next time when we'll be looking at waterfowl!
Dr. Lundquist	Duck!
Bear (SW) 	And geese!
===Closing number===
 	Back at the studio with the garbage watching the monitor.
Garbage (KC) 	Woah! I didn't know bears could talk.
 	Bean Bunny blows his whistle followed by Digit with a flamethrower.
Digit 	Save your pungent breath, refuge or I'll incinerate you all with this flamethrower.
Bean Bunny 	Yeah, you guys are gonna get it.
Kermit 	Digit, what are you doing?!
Digit 	Oh! Hi, Kermit, this is the Singe-Master 3000. I rented it from "Flamethrowers 'r' Us."
Bean Bunny 	Told em!
Kermit 	But Digit, you're going to blow up the whole control room.
Digit 	Oh, don't worry, Kermit, I checked. We're insured.
 	But it turns out the flamethrower is actually a vacuum. The garbage bags laugh.
Digit 	Or was it "Vacuums 'r' We"?
Kermit 	It's okay. I called a waste management company. They're sending over an expert right away.
Scow Captain (JN)	Hi, laddies, I'm from Harris, Thompson and Sludge.
Kermit 	You're the expert?
Scow Captain (JN)	That's right, m'lad. We specialize in solid waste management, the cutting edge, the ultimate in state-of-the-art disposal.
Kermit 	Oh, fantastic. What do you do?
Scow Captain (JN)	We stick the junk on a scow and sail around aimlessly.
Kermit 	That's what you call state-of-the-art disposal?
Scow Captain (JN)	Well, if you know something better, give me a call.
Garbage (RM) 	We are not going anywhere!
Scow Captain (JN)	That's where you're wrong, m'lad. You're going to be the next big thing. I can smell it. Yes, you lovely lads will give garbage its voice. Your heart. You are the world! You are the garbage! It's time to tour!
Garbage (KC) 	You mean, like a rock band? That sounds like fun!
Scow Captain (JN)	All right, follow me, lads. All aboard! (The captain and garbage exit)
Kermit 	Okay. I don't think of it so much as losing my garbage as gaining a closing number.
 	Scenes transitions to the scow at sea with the garbage.
Announcer (KC) 	And now the garbage world tour!
 	The garbage and scow captain begin performing a rock version of "On the Road Again."
Garbage (SW) 	Thank you for liking garbage! You make half a million tons of it a day!
Garbage (DG) 	Up with garbage!
Garbage (KC) 	More!
 	They continue the song as some of the bags get dumped into the sea.
Garbage (GR) 	You're up to your knees and getting higher every day!
Garbage (DR) 	Do it with us!
 	They sing another verse. As the song finishes the garbage shout their thank yous.
Garbage (KC) 	Hope you liked the show.
Garbage (JN) 	You'll be seeing more of us!
Garbage (KC) 	You'll be seeing us on a beach near you! Thank you, and good night!
 	The song finishes as they cheer. Cuts back to the studio with Kermit and Digit.
Digit 	Well Kermit, it looks like I rented this vacuum outfit for nothing. (They hear Bean's whistle blowing) Or almost nothing.
Kermit 	Bean, can you hear me?
 	Bean's whistle blows garbage at Kermit. Then Bean emerges from the bag.
Bean Bunny 	Hi, Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh good. Everything's back to normal. Digit, cue the last item.
 	Digit presses the button and the garbage falls on the three again.
Garbage (DR) 	Ha-ha! Surprise! We've been recycled!
 	The garbage cheers as Kermit groans. Blackout.
==Storyteller Intro==
 	Open on Jim with the lion
Jim 	Finished with this? Here you go.
 	Throws bag of chips to garbage bag that enters
Garbage (GR)	Thanks a lot.
Jim 	And now, here's John Hurt as The Storyteller.
==Closing==
 	Open on Jim with one of the Garbage puppets.
Jim	Now this trash-bag puppet is actually made from a plastic trash-bag from a supermarket. (Puppeteering the garbage) "Oh that's a load of garbage! Or actually, I'm a load of garbage." That's for sure. Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time. (Puppeteering the garbage) "Yeah, it's a load of garbage."
 	The credits roll
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Jim Henson Hour Transcripts