Episode 123: Kaye Ballard/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 123: Kaye Ballard.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Kaye Ballard!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey! Have you heard the one about this very fat pig?
 	
Miss Piggy 	Have you heard the one about this very flat bear? Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Kaye Ballard!
 	
 	Kaye admires the Muppets as they gather around her.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Crazy Harry sets off an explosion before Gonzo can hit the "O".
Gonzo 	Not bad.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, but trips and quickly gets up.
Kermit 	Uh — uh, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And our special guest star tonight is one of the funniest ladies in the business, and one of the nicest, Miss Kaye Ballard. So we think it's gonna be a great show tonight. And if you stick around, we think you'll agree. But right now, let's get things moving on The Muppet Show!
 	
 	The Country Trio perform "In the Summertime".
Waldorf	Encore! Encore!
Statler	Not so loud. They may hear you.
==Backstage==
 	Floyd moseys up to Kermit and taps him on the shoulder.
Kermit 	Hm?
Floyd 	Hey, Kermit. So long, man.
Kermit 	Hey, b-but, Floyd, the show is on. You should be in the orchestra pit.
Floyd 	Sorry, man. I'm anklin'.
Kermit 	Anklin'?
Floyd 	Yeah, anklin'. You know, leavin'. I've come to the coda. I'm using the door marked "Exit." Like a banana in the presence of ice cream, I intend to split.
Kermit 	B-but, Floyd, you can't just leave us.
Floyd 	Ehh, listen, Kermit, you're a nice little dude in your own amphibian way, but … I just can't take it anymore.
Kermit 	… But what's the matter?
Floyd 	It's the theme song.
Kermit 	The theme?
 	
Floyd 	Kermit, you are talking to Floyd Pepper, the hippest of the hip. I mean, I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy. And every week I have to come in here and play, (hums Muppet Show Theme).
Kermit 	(dances) Nice.
Floyd 	It's embarrassingly square. And I don't play square.
Kermit 	Yeah, b-but, Floyd, none of the other musicians have complained.
 	The band passes by.
Trumpet Girl	Drag city.
Zoot 	Yeah, we're gonna beat feet.
Animal 	Yeah.
Kermit 	Hey, Animal, you like the theme, don't you?
Animal 	(nods) Yeah, yeah!
Floyd 	No, no.
Animal 	(shakes head) No, no.
Floyd 	Un-copacetic.
Kermit 	Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd. What about Kaye Ballard's big number?
Floyd 	Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
 	The band comes back.
Floyd 	The dude's right. Yeah, we can't walk out on Kaye Ballard's number.
Kermit 	Good.
Floyd 	We'll walk out after Kaye Ballard's number.
 	They make their way to the pit.
Kermit 	Phew. A stay of execution. I must remember to thank the warden.
=="Oh Babe What Would You Say"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters, but trips and quickly gets up.
Kermit 	Uh … ahem. Uh, right now, gang, it's time to meet a star who knows her way around a song like I know my way around a lily pad, Miss Kaye Ballard. (trips and gets up)
 	
 	The curtain opens on Kaye and Thog, who dance and sing "Oh Babe What Would You Say".
Waldorf	I could watch Kaye Ballard all night.
Statler	Mm. I tried it once, but she pulled the shade down. (laughs)
Waldorf	Why, you dirty old man. (punches him)
==Backstage==
 	Floyd and the band approach Kermit.
Floyd 	Okay, green stuff, me and the guys stayed through the Kaye Ballard number, and now, before it's time for that awful theme song, we're leaving.
Kermit	But w-wait a minute. Hey. Kaye's got another number.
 	
Floyd 	Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay for that.
Kermit	Oh, good. Listen, I'm asking you, just stay through to the end of the show so you can play the theme.
Floyd 	That does it. We're leaving. (they walk away)
Kermit	But w-wait a minute, wait a minute! (they stop and come back) Listen. If you do it, next week we'll have a new theme.
Floyd 	Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay, then.
Kermit	Good, because your noble conductor, Nigel here, has offered to write a new theme.
Floyd 	We're leaving. (they turn around and walk)
Kermit	B-but why?
Floyd 	(whispers) He wrote the first one, man.
 	The band exits; Kermit follows them.
Floyd 	Hey, but, guys, come on! Please! Listen!
Nigel 	I always thought it was kind of a hip tune.
 	
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Boston, Massachusetts. Mrs. Gretchen Powers of that city is trying to enter the Guinness Book of Records by completing the world's longest sentence. She began talking six weeks ago and neighbors say she hasn't stopped since. Our Muppet cameras are in her home now. Uh, Mrs. Powers?
 	Kaye appears in the monitor.
Kaye 	… and the dog fell over the nose of the tree went into the spaghetti factory while six million men marched in their foghorns under a double-decker bus, whose onion soup spoke of undermining the welfare of the country …
Newsman	Uh, Mrs. Powers, if we could interrupt for a moment.
 	
Kaye 	(inhales) … but for the grace of the noodle pie go I, said the spokesman for the group, who wore a turtleneck convertible, as the rain fell for the first time since the packet was well over the side of the …
Newsman	This sentence you're saying is long, but I'm missing the point of it.
Kaye 	… that was covered … (inhales) … in what was said not the fault of the blueberry bush, but instead when the investigators arrived at the corset factory …
Newsman	(as she continues) Uh, Mrs. Powers' husband Carl said it makes about as much sense as anything she's said. He said this from his home at the Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed.
Kaye 	… agreed that life could exist in the third row of the balcony, because that is the way it is, you cannot believe what goes on …
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. We start on Janice and Zoot.
Janice 	My family has quite a history. You can find a record of them in the 17th century.
 	
Zoot 	So has my family. You can find a record of them in the 19th precinct.
 	Onto George and Mildred.
Mildred 	George, why is it that everything we discuss, you reduce to the level of the gutter?
George the Janitor	Heh, I just want to make you feel comfortable. Haaaa!
 	Onto the loud lady and her partner.
Loud lady 	(loudly) So I said to him, "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" I told him I never wanted to see him again! Never, never, never! Do you think I did the right thing, Herman?
Herman 	I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
 	Onto Kermit and Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	(amorous) Oh. Il canto e l'amore, ma il bambino.
Kermit 	Is that Italian?
Miss Piggy 	No, it's pig Latin.
 	She laughs, and some nearby pigs snort.
Miss Piggy 	Pig Latin! (laughs) Do you get it? (laughs)
==UK spot==
 	
 	Paul sings "Life Gets Teejus Don't It" with Rover Joe by his side. The roof collapses as the song ends.
Paul	How you doing, pudding head?
 	Rover licks him.
==Talk spot==
Kermit	Hey, Kaye, I hope you're enjoying yourself.
Kaye 	Ohh, yes, I'm loving it. Everything is just great, Kermit.
Kermit	Oh, good. Well, you know, we are having some trouble here.
Kaye 	Oh, yeah. (nods)
Kermit	Yeah, the band is threatening to quit.
Kaye 	Oh! (nods knowingly)
Kermit	To tell you the truth, Kaye, sometimes I don't think I understand musicians.
Kaye 	Well, I'll tell you what, Kermit. You know, uh, maybe I can help because I'm a bit of a musician myself.
Kermit	Well, you know, Kaye, if you could help smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it.
Kaye 	Well, I'd like to try. Animal! Come here, I'd like to talk to you a minute.
Animal	(growls at Kermit)
Kaye 	Now listen. Why are you guys so unhappy?
Animal	(growls incoherently)
Kaye 	No kidding?
Animal	(growls incoherently, motioning towards Kermit, mumbling the theme song) Blecch!
Kaye 	Oh, well, I — you've got a point. You have a point. I'm willing to say you have a point. Kermit.
Kermit	Yeah?
Kaye 	Animal feels a deep-seated hostility. Am I right so far?
Animal	Deep seated!
Kaye 	… in what he interprets as a demeaning situation. Right?
Animal	Demeaning.
Kermit	Gee, Kaye, you do understand musicians, don't you?
Kaye 	Well, I try.
Kermit	Mm-hm. Okay.
Kaye 	I'll try to fix it. Animal?
Animal	Yeah?
Kaye 	I have been giving it serious consideration and I honestly — personally, I don't think that —
 	
 	She hums the theme and snaps her fingers. Kermit joins in.
Kaye 	I think it's good!
 	Animal screams and bites her on the shoulder.
Kermit	Animal!
Kaye 	Animal! Animal! Animal! Please control yourself. Wait a minute. You've got to understand that I am just visiting here. Now, I — I really feel you should discuss this further with Kermit. I want to be out of this.
Kermit	Well, I don't think we need to actually discuss it.
Animal	DISCUSS!!
 	He begins wrestling Kermit as Kaye watches and winces.
 	
 	Kermit winds up stuffed in a ball. Animal walks away.
Animal	Froggy.
Kaye 	Is there anything else I can help you with?
Kermit	How are you at notifying next of kin?
Kaye 	(un-stuffs him) Well, just — just tell me the area code. (giggles)
==Barber shop==
 	A hairy green creature walks into a barber shop and sits in the chair.
Creature	Hi.
Barber 	Howdy.
Creature	I'd like a haircut.
Barber 	Sure, I can believe that.
Creature	Cut it real short. My rock group just broke up and I'm sick of it.
Barber 	Check. (begins cutting)
Creature	Cut it short back, sides, front, top, bottom and middle.
Barber 	All righty.
Waldorf 	You know, I have the feeling this is a running gag.
Statler 	Yes, but it's the audience that should be doing the running.
 	They chuckle. The hairy creature has gotten smaller. The barber continues working on him.
Creature	Boy, you sure are slow.
Barber 	Yeah. All in due time.
Waldorf 	By the way, who cuts your hair? The gardener? (laughs)
 	The green creature has been reduced to a small speck.
Barber 	Well, there you go, sir. That'll be three dollars.
 	He sneezes, blowing the speck away.
Barber 	Oh, rats. I think I've just lost a customer.
 	
==Backstage==
 	George walks by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay. Thank you, George. You don't mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh? (George nods) Great. Appreciate it.
Floyd 	Hey, my friendly froggy little flipper friend.
Kermit	Yeah?
Floyd 	Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
Kermit	Oh, good.
Floyd 	If …
Kermit	Huh? If what?
Floyd 	If I can write the new theme song.
Kermit	Oh, well, that'll be fine with me.
Floyd 	No, it won't, man.
Kermit	Uh, why not?
Floyd 	You'll hate my music. You won't understand it.
Kermit	Weh — now listen here. I'm pretty hip too, you know.
Floyd 	Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
Kermit	You don't?
Floyd 	If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.
 	
Kermit	(frowning) Gee, I can hardly wait to hear it. (walks away)
Floyd 	I gotta get myself together.
==Vendaface==
 	Zelda Rose and Janice walk past a Vendaface machine. A blue Whatnot inspects it as it talks.
Vendaface 	Hello. I am Vendaface, the world's first fully-automated face-lift machine. Just insert coin in the slot, step up to the machine and within moments your face-lift will be complete.
 	
 	The blue Whatnot turns its head to the camera, revealing its hideous face.
Whatnot (FO)	Oh, yes! I'll do it, I'll do it! Ah!
 	He inserts a coin into the slot.
Vendaface 	Now for phase one.
 	Two robotic hands remove the blue Whatnot's hair, facial features and fangs and places them in a drawer.
Vendaface 	Now for phase two.
 	The Whatnot nods excitedly. The hands dig in the drawer and place eyes, a nose and a brown wig on the Whatnot, making it look more feminine. The hands retract into the machine. A green lady Whatnot reacts.
Whatnot (EO)	Oh! I love it! I love it!
 	She puts a coin in the slot.
Vendaface 	Now for phase one.
 	The hands come back out and remove her eyes, nose and hair.
Vendaface 	Now for phase two.
 	The hands give her the hideous features that the blue Whatnot had before. She screams and runs away.
Vendaface 	Next. (blinks eyes)
==Backstage==
 	Floyd gathers the band backstage.
Floyd 	Okay, everybody ready? … Zoot.
 	
Kermit	Okay, uh, so you've written a new theme song, huh?
Floyd 	Right. Right. If you like it, we stay. If you don't, it's "Auld Lang Syne" time.
Kermit	Uh, I am sure I will love it. Go.
Floyd 	It's called "Fugue for Frog."
Kermit	See, I already love that part.
Floyd 	Good, 'cause you'll hate the rest. Hit it!
 	The band plays a funky, albeit discordant, melody.
Band 	Mup! Mup! Mup! Pet! Show!
Kermit	That was the worst! And besides that, how are you gonna play Kaye Ballard's closing number from back here?
Floyd 	Like always. Loudly.
 	Kermit sighs and walks away.
Floyd 	Frog has no musical taste.
=="One Note Samba"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Once again, Miss Kaye Ballard.
 	
 	The band rush onstage anyway to join Kaye Ballard for "One Note Samba." Kaye and Miss Piggy battle to upstage each other with different instruments throughout the song. Kaye wins with a tuba.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's about all the time we have…
 	
Floyd 	Hey, Kermit.
Kermit 	Hmm?
Floyd 	Hey, me and the band want Miss Ballard to sign this petition about the theme song of the show.
Kermit 	Will you guys get out of here?
Floyd 	Okay. We're anklin'. Come on.
 	The band leaves.
Kermit 	Out, out, out!
Animal 	Ankling!
Kermit 	Okay. Well, having settled that, I'd like a warm thank you to our special guest star Miss Kaye Ballard! Yaay!
Kaye 	Kermit, thank you. I love you. I really do. I love all of you. Wait a minute, I take that back. There's one exception. I'm, uh, I'm not too sure about Miss Piggy because I think she's very hoggy.
 	
Miss Piggy	Hoggy? Hoggy this! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops Kaye. They begin fighting.
Kermit 	We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
 	Rowlf, the only band member left, plays the closing theme on piano.
 	
Rowlf 	Well, you must admit, Nigel, this does sound a little square.
Nigel 	Play, hound, play.
 	
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts