Pretty the Fool/Script

Nice Peter: Last time on Total Drama ERB-
EpicLLOYD: And I'm EpicLLOYD. ...wait.
Nice Peter: We tortured our cast by having the teams put on two different plays. We also pulled a twist when Goku returned to the game...but as an intern! He tries messing with all of the contestants and specifically has it out for Eve!
EpicLLOYD: But it doesn't matter when Poe messes up and causes Lady Gaga's dress to rip, ultimately leading her to go home and a sad, pitied Mr. T to stay.
Nice Peter: Now, we've got some of our biggest twists yet this episode!
EpicLLOYD: How do you know? It hasn't happened yet.
Nice Peter: What? Yeah, it has. For example-
EpicLLOYD: No, no, shut up. Uhh...here, on Total Drama ERB!
*The scene switches to the households, where Adam and Eve are just casually hanging out.*
Adam: So, uhh, that last challenge, huh?
Eve: Yeah, it was... Weird.
Adam: Hey, I think you did wonderful. Ignore what Goku said, he's an idiot.
Eve: Heh, I can tell you stories.
Adam: Hehe. You're...really nice, Eve. I can't wait for the merge, then we can be together more.
Eve: Aww...that's really sweet of you.
Adam: You know, there's...something I've been meaning to tell you.
Eve: Really? What is it?
Adam: Well...I...I really-
Nice Peter (via intercom): Tallenge chime, motherpingers!
Adam: Already? Ugh...well, maybe another time.
*The scene switches to the mess hall, where some of the contestants have finished eating.*
Justin Bieber: *still deciding on what to get* Eugh, I definitely don't want to get the oatmeal again. Bad memories from before the last challenge.
Gandhi: Just pick something already!
Justin Bieber: Pacifist? More like ass-ifist, geez... Just give me whatever that slop is.
*Justin Bieber is turns with his tray of glop to see Master Chief leaving the mess hall with his tray of tater tots. He hurries over to him and wraps an arm around his shoulder in a hug.*
Justin Bieber: Heeeyyy, buddy!
Master Chief: Ugh... Don't call me buddy. What do you want?
Justin Bieber: I just wanted to see how you were doing. Where are you going with all that food?
Master Chief: To my room. I eat alone.
Justin Bieber: Can I come with? I just wanna hang out with my best friend here!
Master Chief: If you're calling me a friend, you sure are desperate. In other news, get the hell away from me.
Justin Bieber: Why you gotta be so cold, bro?
Master Chief: Fuck. Off.
Justin Bieber: ...can I at least have one of your tater tots?
Master Chief: Ugh! No, get your own!
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Yeah, definitely making sure he's the next to go.
(Confessional) Master Chief: What a snob, gosh.
Nice Peter (via intercom): Tallenge chime, motherpingers!
*The scene cuts to the stage from the last challenge, this time a catwalk having been attatched to the front.*
Justin Bieber: This place again? We were JUST here during the last challenge.
Cleopatra: Oooh, a fancy catwalk. I always love having all the attention on me when I walk... Then again, I always do anyways, don't I?
Adam: Uh, yeah, sure.
EpicLLOYD: Well, boys and girls, today's the day everyone has been waiting for!
Justin Bieber: You're going to finally give me the money and let us all go home?
EpicLLOYD: Shut up. In any case, today's challenge is simple: you get to play dress up!
Al Capone: Wow, I didn't realize this challenge we all had to be girls.
Eve: Is that supposed to be insinuating something, asshole?
EpicLLOYD: The difference here is each of you has to dress up one of your contestants to impress these four brand new judges:
Michael Jackson!
Michael Jackson: Ooh! Let's get this thriller going!
Justin Bieber: Oh! He's my idol!
Darth Vader: The guy stereotyped as a little kid looks up to the guy stereotyped as a pedophile? Surprise, surprise.
EpicLLOYD: Right. Whatever. Next is...Freddie Mercury!
Freddie Mercury: *to Cleopatra* Enchanting dress, darlin'. How about you meet me in my trailer later and I'll show you how I can rock you, maybe even part you like an Egyptian. 
Cleopatra: Ew, don't talk to me, peasant.
Freddie Mercury: Oh, you've pierced my heart.
EpicLLOYD: Third is Skrillex.
Skrillex: Yo! Sup, people, Skrillex in the den!
Adolf Hitler: Is he trying to be gangster?
Al Capone: Nah, I'm a gangster, so I'd know.
EpicLLOYD: And last but not least, Napoleon Bonaparte!
Mr. T: And what exactly is that fool supposed to know about fashion.
Master Chief: I dunno, but he's been giving me the stink eye since we got here. I'm...definitely not feeling too fond of him myself. ...if anything, I'm strangely starting to feel really, really pissed at him.
Muhammad Ali: Master Chief vs Napoleon Bonaparte? I'd pay to see those two fight.
EpicLLOYD: Anyways, your goal is dress to impress. At least, to impress the judges.
Cleopatra: Alright, everyone, I call dibs on on being the one to be dressed up. You better make me beautiful, got it?
Master Chief: No complaints over here.
EpicLLOYD: Sorry, but you don't get to choose. We randomly generated who on your team would get to be dolled up. The results should be in right about-
Goku: Here you go, Your High-expectations-ness.
*Goku comes in, thrusting two letters into EpicLLOYD's chest before storming off.*
EpicLLOYD: Thanks, baby! Ain't he a doll? Anyways, first, for the Massive Failures, you guys will be dressing up...
*Everyone waits in anticipation as he fumbles with the opening, pulling out a piece of paper.*
EpicLLOYD: ...Miley Cyrus.
Miley Cyrus: Oh, I get a bunch of boys to touch me all over.
*The rest of the Massive Failures all turn away, feeling awkward about it.*
(Confessional) Miley Cyrus: Assholes.
EpicLLOYD: And now, for the Epic Winners...
Cleopatra: Please be me, please be me...
Adam: Please be Eve, please be Eve...
Bob Ross: Please be turtles, please be turtles...
Al Capone: Is that joke really necessary right now?
Bob Ross: ...sorry.
EpicLLOYD: Dammit, this envelope is really hard to open up.
Justin Bieber: Just rip it in half!
EpicLLOYD: Love that! Always love destroying things. I made a song about that, you know. Rampage. So awesome. You should listen to it at some point. You can download it on iTunes. Anyways!
*EpicLLOYD rips the envelope in half and pulls out the two halves of the paper.*
EpicLLOYD: And the lucky contestant iiiss...Master Chief!
*The room goes silent as everyone turns to Master Chief.*
EpicLLOYD: Oh, and he can't be wearing his whole outfit. Gotta take it off, Johnny boy.
(Confessional) Master Chief: ...shit.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Looks like I won't be needing to do anything at all. This challenge has it covered for me.
EpicLLOYD: Alright, everyone, to your dressing rooms! There are some trailers around behind the stage, so go get to it. Make-up and clothes and shit are all already in there.
*The two teams split up to their respective trailers, Master Chief growing more and more nervous.*
Massive Failures
Miley Cyrus: Alright, if y'all need any advise on how to improve all this, I gotcha covered.
Mr. T: Momma always did teach me how to handle a real lady. ...I wish it could'a been Lady Gaga, though...
Miley Cyrus: Aww, it's alright, don't be sad. She'd want you to go on.
Muhammad Ali: Ehh...well, then, Mr. T, you can handle making her over. I ain't touching her with a six foot pole.
Michael Jordan: Why? You chicken?
Muhammad Ali: Nobody calls me chicken, chicken.
Michael Jordan: Oh, you wanna go?
Muhammad Ali: I could make her look better than you ever could!!
Miley Cyrus: Will someone just do something already!?
Justin Bieber: Ugh, alright, I'll...see what I can do or something.
Miley Cyrus: Finally...
Epic Winners
Al Capone: So, which of you is going to take the leap in putting make-up and dresses on this guy?
Master Chief: Wait, dresses? I'm going to be wearing a dress?!
Cleopatra: Well, I'm certainly not. I always have my servants put together my wardrobe and do my make-up.
Master Chief: Please tell me I'm not going to be wearing a dress... 
Bob Ross: Guys, don't worry. I'm an artist. I have this all handled. Now, let's just take off this suit-
Master Chief: No! Wait, I don't think I'm ready for this yet!
Bob Ross: Relax, buddy. I've got everything handled. I've learned all about the art of patience. *sing-song voice* The wisdom of our master...
Master Chief: I'm warning you! Please don't do this!
*Bob Ross ignores his pleading, quickly tugging his helmet off in one fluid motion. It drops to the floor as everyone gasps in shock at what lies beneath.*
Adolf Hitler: Holy...
Cleopatra: What the...
Darth Vader: Is that...
(Confessional) Eve: Well, I certianly didn't see that coming.
(Confessional) Al Capone: I always thought he was one of the coolest guys here, too. Shame...
Bob Ross: Hmm...I might need more paint.
*Everyone just stands in shock as he starts taking off his suit and turning around, fully revealing himself as...*
Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh...I told you guys not to take it off of me!
(Confessional) Darth Vader: Well played, Master Chief. I would give advice about not revealing yourself so early, but I suppose this wasn't really something you had control over.
Al Capone: So...you're a nerd.
Napoleon Dynamite: A cool nerd, come on.
Cleopatra: Don't flatter yourself, kid.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh, I told you guys this wouldn't end well...
Cleopatra: No arguments there. Yeesh, your face is terrifying on its own.
Eve: Really, Cleo? Don't be so hard on him come on.
Bob Ross: I got this, I got this. Calm down, bros. I've got the make-up, and I've got this handled. This brush-handled. Hehe...
Darth Vader: Just shut up already, my god!
Adolf Hitler: Sorry... Oh, wait, you weren't talking to me.
Eve: Master Chief isn't that bad.
Napoleon Dynamite: Actually, it's Napoleon Dynamite.
Eve: Whatever. I'll start going through outfits and seeing what suits him the best.
Cleopatra: Wow, the girl who wears leaves is going to decide on fashion?
Eve: Just take a hike already, Cleopatra.
Cleopatra: Fine. But before I go, just at least make sure you do something about that...mop on his head.
Napoleon Dynamite: It's called a perm.
Cleopatra: It's called ugly. See ya.
Massive Failures
Justin Bieber: Alright, yeah, good. I got this. You're looking great!
Miley Cyrus: My hair looks like yours.
Adam: *to Neil deGrasse Tyson* A girl looks like Justin Bieber? What else is new?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh, snap, dawg! Burn!
Justin Bieber: Poe, Mr. T, how's it coming with those dresses?
Edgar Allan Poe: It will take time to get the right dress, for Mr. T is becoming a mess.
Mr. T: These outfits...they remind me of Gaga...
Justin Bieber: For fuck's sake...
Miley Cyrus: I'm starting to look like a clown with this make up. Could you two please stop fighting so much over it?
Muhammad Ali: Like I'm going to let this sucka out do me.
Michael Jordan: That mascara I put on her looks perfect. Yours looks like Cleopatra.
Miley Cyrus: They both make me look emo. And why so much blush?
Michael Jordan: Because Ali doesn't know what he's doing.
Muhammad Ali: Better than your half of her face!
Miley Cyrus: Oh, geez...
Adam: Well, this obviously isn't going anywhere. I'm going to go take a walk outside. I'm no good at fashion anyways, seeing as I wear leaf underwear. Hold the fort while I'm gone, Neil.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Can do, brother! Actually, you know what? Jordan, Ali, Bieber, step back. I'll handle this. Mr. T, hand me that dress right there.
Mr. T: Really? It's not what Lady Gaga would pick out, but okay...
*Adam heads out of the trailer and starts sneaking over to the Epic Winners'. He peeks in through the window when Cleopatra walks around the corner.*
Cleopatra: What the... What're you doing out here? ...are you spying on us?!
Adam: What?! Uhh, geez, no! I was just...seeing how Eve was doing.
Cleopatra: Oh, don't lie. Obviously, you were spying on us, checking out the competition. Basically, you're cheating.
Adam: I am not a cheater! You guys are the cheaters!
Cleopatra: I caught you outside our trailer peeking in through the window. I could go and expose you to Peter and Lloyd for cheating and get you kicked off the island.
Adam: What?! You wouldn't do that!
Cleopatra: I can and I will. ...unless you do what I say.
Adam: I'm not falling for that.
Cleopatra: Are you sure? Because if you don't, then you'll get kicked off the island, and you'll never get to see your precious Eve again.
Adam: ...alright, fine. What do you want?
Cleopatra: I want your bod- ahem... Nothing at the moment. But I can assure you that, later on, you will be doing as I say. You're all mine...
(Confessional) Adam: ...okay, I'll admit, Cleopatra's kinda hot when she's all creepily commanding like that.
Epic Winners
Bob Ross: Wow, this is really coming along nice.
Napoleon Dynamite: You painted my face brown, died my hair green, and now you're making me wear brown.
Bob Ross: Like a happy little tree. Guys! Get more brown for him to wear.
Eve: Here! A jacket made of tree bark. Floral-wear is my speciality.
Napoleon Dynamite: We are going to be way too lucky if we somehow win this. ...could I at least have my glasses back? I can't even see.
Eve: Sorry, but no. It doesn't work with the design.
Darth Vader: *to Adolf Hitler and Al Capone* Eve, Bob, or Nerd-poleon; who're you voting off when we lose this?
Adolf Hitler: Definitely Napoleon.
Al Capone: Napoleon.
Darth Vader: Same.
Eve: Yes! Wonderful! You look perfect! I'd say we're all done here.
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, I had fun in this game while it lasted.
Nice Peter: *opens the door* You guys done in here yet?
Eve: Yup!
Nice Peter: Great! Was gonna tell you guys you were done anyways, but finished is even better. Failures are heading over to the stage right now, so kick it in gear.
*The scene cuts to the stage, where Neil deGrasse Tyson stands on stage.*
Neil deGrasse Tyson: From this corner of the wonderful Total Drama ERB island, we bring you one lovely little lady with remarkably short hair and stunning blood red lipstick that's come strapped in a stunning pink dressed shaped tight down her curvy body into lacy, flowing waves after waves of ruffles draped down her thighs to her feet. Please, let us all welcome the dashing, lovely Miley Cyrus.
*Miley Cyrus steps on stage in the gown described, feeling shy and nervous as the judges glance her over.*
Michael Jackson: Ow! That is one beautiful dress! I don't want you to stop until I've gotten enough. 5 out of 5 for sure.
Freddie Mercury: Oh, darlin'. 4 out of 5.
Skrillex: Not sure how I feel about this, yo. Eh, 3 out of 5.
Napoleon Bonaparte: Well, she isn't that other loser, so I'll have to say 5 out of 5, just so he doesn't win.
EpicLLOYD: 17 out of 20? Not bad. Epic Winners, you're up next.
*Eve steps on stage as Neil deGrasse Tyson and Miley Cyrus leave.*
Eve: From the deepest reaches of the Garden of Eden, we bring you not Adam, not Eve, not Steve, but Naaaaapoleoon!
*Napoleon steps on stage, having trouble moving his arms due to the jacket made of bark.*
Napoleon Dynamite: I told you, Eve, I can't see a thing without my glass- SHIT!
*Napoleon Dynamite trips, shattering the jacket as he struggles to get up.*
Napoleon Dynamite: Dammit, that hurt bad...
Michael Jackson: Ooh, I...don't know where you thought you were going with that. 2 out of 5.
Freddie Mercury: 3 for effort.
Skrillex: That was hilarious, dude!! 4 out of 5!
Napoleon Bonaparte: Sacrebleu! Zat was complete and utter trash! No points for you!
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Shut up! No one asked you!
Napoleon Bonaparte: Ze challenge is done! No points! No points!
EpicLLOYD: Harsh... Well, with a measly 9 out of 20, not even half, it seems that once again, the Epic Winners are the actual Massive Failures. See you guys later toni-
Mr. T: WAIT!!
*Mr. T comes running onstage, knocking Napoleon Dynamite off and onto the ground.*
Napoleon Dynamite: Dammit!
Mr. T: I don't wanna continue. I quit!
Everyone: WHAT?!
Mr. T: I...I just can't keep going. All these dresses, outfits, make up, seeing that nerd dressed as a tree...
Napoleon Dynamite: Hey!
Mr. T: It's...just that I missed Lady Gaga so much. And...if she's not here to keep going, I don't wanna keep going either. I miss her way too much.
EpicLLOYD: Well...I guess that means the Massive Failures lose instead!
Eve: YES!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: NO!
EpicLLOYD: This has been a strange turn of events... Anyways, later tonight, everyone, gather around the campfire as usual.
*The scene cuts to later that night, both teams gathered around the campfire as they do at the end of every challenge. Napoleon Dynamite and Miley Cyrus have been cleaned of their make-up and are back in their regular clothing, Napoleon Dynamite without his suit.*
Nice Peter: Well, team Epic Winners, I brought you both here. As we know, Mr. T has quit the show voluntarily, so this probably isn’t necessary.
Edgar Allan Poe: Then why are we here, I ask? Are we still having a vote, perhaps?
Justin Bieber: You just admitted that this thing is useless yourself, then why the hell are we here?
Eve: He’s probably going to explain it now…
Nice Peter: Well, bye guys. Gonna go take a dump.
*Nice Peter leaves to take a dump*
Eve: Okay then…
*Santa Claus steps up to the podium and hits the mic*
Santa Claus: …is this thing on?
Adam: I think so.
Santa Claus: So, I guess I’ll have to do this for Peter…Napoleon, step up to the podium real quick…
*Napoleon gets up from his seat with his team to the front*
Napoleon Dynamite: Aw crap, what’s going to happen?
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Double elimination! Double elimination!
Al Capone: What’s going on? 
Santa Claus: Well, because it says here that Napoleon Dynamite lost his battle, that he must be moved onto the team Massive Failures.
Adolf Hitler: Lost his what now?
Napoleon Dynamite: Oh, this blows!
*Napoleon walks over to where the other team is sitting, then sits down with a mad groan*
Justin Bieber: Hello, new punching bag.
Napoleon Dynamite: Shut up, pancake batter.
Justin Bieber: What was that supposed to be? An insult?
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: This will be his last time surviving elimination. Loser.
Miley Cyrus: *scoots closer to Napoleon Dynamite* Hello there! My name’s Miley Cyrus, but I bet you already knew.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh, whatever.
(Confessional) Miley Cyrus: *Girlish squeal* A real life nerd! Now I have someone who can help me fit in!
Adam: Hello, welcome to the team. You wouldn’t happen to know Eve’s number, would you?
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh, this blows.  
*The scene transitions to the dock, where Hulk Hogan is tossing Mr. T’s barrel out to sea*
Mr. T: I'm coming for you, Gaga!
EpicLLOYD: Well today has been interesting. How will our “new” competitor fair off? Who will be out next? How will Adam and Eve become a thing? Tune in next time to find out! On Total! Drama!
Hulk Hogan: ERB, brother!
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script