Goofballs/October 4, 2015

==Screenplay==
SCENE 1
FADE IN:
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - STREETS
SOUND: HIGH-FREQ RINGING, POLICE SIRENS, HELICOPTERS WHIRRING
TOPH is seen lying on the floor, stunned, next to a fallen building and a layer of dust. A few police cars surround the scene, and a police helicopter floats above.
Soon, VIOLET, BOB and DA NERD rush to him.
VIOLET
(breathing heavily)
Toph! Toph! Toph!
DA NERD
Oh, my God!
BOB
(with serious tone)
Toph. (shakes, pats face)
Come on, buddy, get up.
Toph soon awakes from unconsciousness.
TOPH
Wh... what happened?
BOB
Toph, do you have any memory of
what just happened?
TOPH
(strained)
Uh... no. Actually, I can’t
remember anything.
VIOLET
Alright, we gotta get you home.
Bob lifts Toph and carries him over his shoulder.
TOPH
Wait, what’s -- what’s happening?
Who are you?
BOB
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh... 
They walk away from the scene, off into the distance.
INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH
Cold water from a large bucket splashes onto Toph’s face, the committer being Bob.
VIOLET
Wait, you’re not doing enough.
You gotta --
BOB
No, it’s fine, he’s waking up.
VIOLET
No, you -- give me that.
Violet yanks the bucket away and proceeds to splash a significant amount of water into Toph’s face. Toph, having been awake the entire time, grows more frustrated with each splash.
BOB
Okay, no, that’s too much.
Here, let me --
VIOLET
No, no, I got it.
The two begin to fight over the bucket, effectively splashing more and more water into Toph’s face at the same time. Eventually, this proves to be too much for the now fully conscious Toph and he fuels with anger.
TOPH
(gasping for air, drowning)
Okay, that’s enough!
The two stop fighting and Bob sets the bucket down on the floor.
TOPH (CONT’D)
(more calmly)
I’m awake now. Now, can someone
tell me what the hell is going on?
And get me a rag?
Da Nerd silently hands Toph a towel, and he begins drying his soaked face off with it.
BOB
Alright, I’ll tell you from the
beginning. So, it all --
VIOLET
Wait, no, you egg, I’m gonna
tell him.
BOB
No, I’m gonna tell him.
VIOLET
I doubt it.
BOB
You little --
DA NERD
Alright, stop! I’ll tell him.
(beat) God.
(to Toph)
Okay. So, it all started in
winter a long time ago.
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - ENTRANCE - ANCIENT
A seemingly peaceful outdated entrance to Septem City stands at the end of a path leading to the city. However, suddenly the entrance falls, revealing the chaos happening. 
EXT. CITY HALL - ENTRANCE
Using the City Hall as a base camp, several army men, including Violet, Bob, WILLIAM and JASON, hide from the attacks from the other side.
A tall yellow flag with a 7 clearly printed on it stands in front of the City Hall. Pan over to roughly the middle of the city, in which a long white line is painted. Pan further to reveal a tall red flag with an 8 printed on it in front of a tall skyscraper, which the Eights use as a base camp.
The EIGHTS’ GENERAL gives a gesture pointing at the Sevens.
EIGHT GENERAL
Fire!
Following instruction, a few army men standing behind cannons ignite their weaponry and each fire a cannonball across the city, which lands conveniently in the City Hall, completely obliterating the building as the Sevens inside barely escape.
JASON
Damn! Alright, men, move out.
VIOLET
What do you think we should do?
JASON
I have no idea. Just... go. 
I’ll think of something.
VIOLET
What? But, Jason --
JASON
I said move, and that’s an order.
VIOLET
Alright, alright, General
Impatience. (insert better insult here)
The Sevens move out, all in different directions. Meanwhile, the Eights ready for another attack.
The Eights’ general gives another gesture. This time, eight cannons fire, none of them missing a building or structure. However, no Sevens are hit.
WILLIAM
Okay, this isn’t even fair.
We don’t even have a general,
for God’s sakes!
Jason walks towards William and clears his throat.
WILLIAM
Okay, we don’t have a good
general.
Jason promptly slaps William.
BOB
Alright, ladies, you’re both
beautiful, now can we actually
maybe go in with a plan this time?
VIOLET
He’s right -- well, I mean, he
stole that insult I was just about
to use -- but he’s right.
WILLIAM
Well, what’s your big plan then?
BOB
I don’t know, I was hoping our
general here could venture one.
JASON
(beat) Oh, that’s me. Um... 
(unsurely)
maybe... we invade?
VIOLET
Wow, great idea, that’ll
definitely get us killed.
BOB
Yeah, come on, have you seen
how big their defense is?
There’s got to be at least 20
of them just guarding the line.
WILLIAM
Guys, we can’t give up now.
We can do it, if we just
believe in ours--
JASON
Yep, we’re dead. White flag?
VIOLET
Sure. Why not?
BOB
Seconded-ed.
Jason, Violet and Bob walk off, while William stays standing there, and gets a determined look as he walks off in the other direction.
Meanwhile, from the Eights’ point of view, the soldiers notice the trio raising the white flag over their yellow 7 flag.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
(points) Look! They’re raising
the white flag.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Oh, my God, shut up, we literally
all saw that.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Okay, wow, I was just making sure.
The Eights all collectively cheer and whoop in celebration.
EIGHT GENERAL
Nice job, men. Made them surrender
in less than 5 minutes.
Alright, move out.
The Eights all start walking in one direction.
EIGHT GENERAL
No, the other way. We won,
(under breath) you dumbasses.
The Eights walk in the other direction, with the general following.
However, soon, the men stop.
EIGHT SOLDIER #3
Hey, does anyone smell smoke?
Suddenly, William, among 20 or so other Sevens, stand behind their own cannons. William gives a gesture.
WILLIAM
Hasta la vista, bitches!
All 20 or so cannons fire, ripping right through the white flag and obliterating the Eights’ base.
The Sevens cheer, while the Eights panic.
EIGHT GENERAL
Um... I was not prepared for this.
EIGHT SOLDIER #4
What should we do now?
EIGHT GENERAL
We’re going to have to do it.
EIGHT SOLDIER #4
Oh no... you don’t mean...?
EIGHT GENERAL
Yep. Get the men ready.
EIGHT SOLDIER #4
Right away -- wait, isn’t that
your job?
EIGHT GENERAL
That was an order. Move, move!
The soldier moves out. Soon, around 50 Eights push a huge boxed up structure to the line. The men guarding the line step out of the way. A soldier pulls the string opening the box, revealing a huge tower of cannons.
EIGHT SOLDIER #4
Whenever you’re ready, gen--
EIGHT GENERAL
Fire!
Men standing behind each cannon in the towering structure pull the string, firing each and every cannon.
The Sevens immediately stop cheering at the attention of the incoming blow.
BOB
Oh, my God! Look out!
Panic ensues. A beautiful but menacing arrangement of cannons in the shape of a very large and towering 8 falls onto the Sevens’ side. Men seek shelter as the cannons all make a huge blow into the land. A vigorous amount of rumbling follows impact.
INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH
TOPH
Holy crap. So, wait, is that
the explosion that caused my
still-effective amnesia?
DA NERD
No. What? What the hell?
I literally said this happened
a long time ago.
TOPH
Well, sorry, I’m suffering
severe head trauma.
DA NERD
God. At least pay attention.
(beat) Anyways... 
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - BATTLE - ANCIENT
Several shots fire back and forth from either side.
DA NERD (V.O.)
...things seemed bleak after that.
A few more shots were fired back
and forth, but nothing much really
happened. Both sides were just about
ready to give up.
TOPH (V.O.)
Wait, but I thought we did give up.
DA NERD (V.O.)
No -- oh, my God, pay attention.
Anyways, we needed a plan.
Violet approaches Bob and William.
VIOLET
Guys, we need a plan.
WILLIAM
Yeah; first order of business:
replace General Stuck-up-his-ass
over there.
BOB
Done and done. I’ll fill in
for him.
WILLIAM
Great.
VIOLET
Wait, who said you get to be
the general?
BOB
Um... well, William, do you
want to be the general?
WILLIAM
No, I can’t, my throat’s sore
from this weekend.
BOB
(to Violet)
That’s why.
VIOLET
What about me?
BOB
What about you?
VIOLET
Why can’t I be the general?
BOB
Um... William, you ever hear of
any female generals?
WILLIAM
No. You?
BOB
Nope.
(to Violet)
That’s why.
VIOLET
I’d still be more of a man than
you’ll ever be.
BOB
But... if I was the one actually
in combat, wouldn’t I be more of
a man?
VIOLET
Okay, shut up. Let me be general.
BOB
No.
VIOLET
Why not?
BOB
Because... I called it.
WILLIAM
It is true. He called it.
BOB
I called it. Sorry.
VIOLET
What? That -- that’s not
how it works!
BOB
Alright then, all in favor
of me being general, say aye.
BOB & WILLIAM
Aye.
BOB
The ayes have it. Sorry, Violet.
VIOLET
Okay, listen here, you little --
BOB
Ah! You will address the general
by his proper title.
VIOLET
Oh, I’ll address something -- 
WILLIAM
Okay, that’s enough. We’re never
going to win this thing if we’re
fighting with each other. Can we
put this aside and try to come up
with some sort of plan?
BOB
Alright, he’s right.
WILLIAM
I know I’m right.
BOB
(beat) So, what do you got?
VIOLET
I don’t know. You’re the general.
BOB
Yeah, but the general doesn’t
have to do anything. That’s how
it works, right, William?
WILLIAM
Right. They just sit and boss
everyone around.
JASON
What the hell? You better not
be talking about me.
BOB
Oh, hi, Jason. No, we’re not.
JASON
Really? I heard talk about
the general.
BOB
Yeah, we forgot to tell you,
I’m the general now.
JASON
What? Since when?
BOB
Since... (checks watch)
43 seconds ago.
WILLIAM
Yep, we did the ceremonial
“ayes” and everything.
JASON
Wait, but... you need the previous
general to consent to it, don’t you?
BOB
(beat) No, that’s not a rule.
WILLIAM
Yeah, no, that’s not...
VIOLET
Yeah, I hate to admit it, but
that isn’t a rule. You can
reassign general whenever you want.
JASON
Wait... no, you can’t. I have the
official handbook right here.
(pulls out handbook) On section 3,
article b --
VIOLET
Nope, it’s not a rule.
Violet proceeds to throw Jason’s handbook in a random direction.
JASON
Oh, my God, you can’t just --
WILLIAM
Okay, really, seriously, Jason,
are we even doing anything by
the rules?
BOB
Yeah, like I don’t even know
half of the stuff in that book.
JASON
(sighs) Alright, but why?
VIOLET
‘Cause you suck.
JASON
No, I know that, I mean why him?
WILLIAM
My throat’s sore.
VIOLET
Yeah, and besides, he called it.
(rolls eyes)
JASON
Ah, I see. Well, good luck with
that, I’m going on leave.
BOB
No, you don’t. That’s, like,
illegal or something.
JASON
Do I look like I care?
BOB
Wait, no, you have to fight.
For me.
JASON
(whiningly)
Whyyyy?
VIOLET
Come on, you big baby.
Get in there.
JASON
But that’s, like, the whole reason
I was general in the first place.
WILLIAM
What? Are you afraid of fighting?
JASON
No, I’m just lazy as hell.
BOB
Oh, my God, get in there.
Fight for our nation.
Our freedom. Or something.
JASON
This is 2009. What the hell?
VIOLET
(sternly)
Go. 
JASON
Alright, alright, alright, fine.
Jason walks off.
BOB
Wait, where’s he going?
We still don’t have a plan.
VIOLET
Oh, yeah.
(to Jason)
Okay, get back here!
Jason sighs heavily and walks back towards the trio. 
JASON
What?
WILLIAM
We still don’t have a plan.
JASON
Ah. Yeah, that might be a good
thing to have before we go in.
VIOLET
Yeah.
BOB
Um... (palms slap against one
another, awkwardly)
JASON
You guys got anything?
OTHERS
(collectively)
No.
JASON
Hmm.
WILLIAM
(snaps fingers) Got it.
OTHERS
- What?
- What is it?
WILLIAM
Alright, lean in and form a huddle.
I’ll whisper it to you.
VIOLET
Um... okay.
BOB
Wait, why?
WILLIAM
I don’t know, shut up.
All of them huddle up and William indistinctly whispers to the others. After a suspiciously short time, the four break and move out.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC MUSIC
The four, each wielding a shield with a yellow 7 clearly printed on it run cinematically down a large hill, all with determined warrior looks.
Suddenly, the dramatic music stops; Jason trips and falls the rest of the way down the hill.
VIOLET
Oh, my God.
BOB
Are -- are you okay?
JASON
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The dramatic music returns and the four reach the white line border. The music pauses and swells.
As the four bravely run across the border, they start imitating the dramatic music through vocalization.
No longer imitating the music, the four run straight past armed soldiers and their swords using their shields. They soon come to the large building marking the Eights’ base.
BOB
There it is.
JASON
Wait, didn’t we blow that up?
VIOLET
Oh, yeah.
WILLIAM
Huh.
BOB
Strange. (beat) Well, let’s
move out.
The four daringly run inside the building. Passing through the few soldiers guarding the entrance, they proceed to run up the entire 40-story staircase, getting more breathless and tired the more they go up. The music starts to dissolve and warps away along with the four’s willingness to go on.
The four, breathing heavily, collapse on the staircase.
FADE OUT.
SCENE 2
INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY
Da Nerd and Toph stand near the microwave, in which popcorn kernels pop to life, which somewhat drowns out their conversation.
TOPH
So then what happened?
DA NERD
Well, after they passed out,
a few soldiers were alerted of
their presence and they, still
unconscious, were brought to
the guillotine and beheaded
in front of the whole city,
so they never got to wake up.
TOPH
Wait, what!?
DA NERD
Oh, my God, I’m joking.
TOPH
Oh, thank God.
DA NERD
Actually, no, I’m not.
I just said that to make you
feel better.
TOPH
What? But those other two people,
they’re in the story. They
can’t be dead.
DA NERD
Whoever said they died?
TOPH
Well, if you get your freakin’
head cut off, you’re probably
going to die.
DA NERD
Probably. You know, a lot of
people live without heads,
whether that’s immediately
obvious or not.
TOPH
			So what do they do? Just
			reattach their heads?
DA NERD
No, actually, it grows back.
TOPH
What?
DA NERD
Yeah, I know. It’s kinda freaky
for those 3 months that it takes
to grow back though, but you
get used to it.
TOPH
Okay, you can stop, I know
you’re joking.
DA NERD
Took you long enough, damn.
TOPH
So what really did happen?
DA NERD
Well... 
FADE IN:
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - EIGHTS’ SIDE
The four wake up to an excessive amount of water splashing in their face.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Wait, you’re not doing enough.
You gotta --
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
No, it’s fine, they’re waking up.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
No, you -- give me that.
The first soldier yanks the bucket of water from the second, and proceeds to splash a significant amount of water into each of the four’s faces.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Okay, no, that’s too much.
Here, let me --
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
No, no, I got it.
The two begin to fight over the bucket, effectively splashing more and more water into the four’s faces. Eventually, this proves to be too much for the now fully conscious four and they fuel with anger.
BOB
(gasping for air, drowning)
Okay, that’s enough! (coughs)
We’re awake.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Ah, great, you’re not going to
want to miss this.
VIOLET
Miss what?
Zoom out to show that the four are tied to a tall wooden 8, with a single soldier at the bottom holding a lit torch.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
The effective disposal of the worst
thing that’s happened to this city.
JASON
So... a suicide pact?
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
No. Literally, look down.
JASON
Okay, but I don’t see -- 
(looks down, face fills with panic)
oh, my God!
WILLIAM
Wait, what -- why?
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Um... because, you’re like, scum
or something. I don’t know,
general’s orders.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
(to soldier #2)
Hey, speaking of the general, he
just gave us the command to light
the thing. Should we go ahead and
just do it or...? 
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Yeah, man, go for it.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Really? Me?
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Yeah, I believe in you.
Go, do it.
The other men begin to crowd around the soldier.
CROWD
(chanting)
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Soldier #1 steps down a ladder and takes the torch from the soldier standing at the bottom of the wooden tower. He shakily lifts the torch and presses it against the tower. However, it does not light immediately. The crowd’s chanting starts to slow. 
The soldier continues trying to light it, getting more frustrated with each attempt. He throws the torch down in frustration, which then lights himself on fire.
He proceeds to scream in panic, with statements such as:
- Oh, my God, I’m on fire!
- Someone, help me!
- Holy shit!
The crowd runs towards the soldier, but somehow manages to trample over him, which also effectively knocks the 8 tower over, sending it crashing into the building base. This completely destroys both the building and the tower, detaching the rope tying the four to the tower and landing them safely on the ground.
BOB
Move out.
The four move into the building; to keep them hydrated, Bob tosses a water bottle to each of them to avoid collapsing on the staircase this time.
However, this fails to work.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - EIGHTS’ SIDE
The four wake up to an excessive amount of water splashing in their face.
BOB
Oh, no.
JASON
Not again.
Soldier #1 stands alongside Soldier #2 in front of the four again, this time scorched and black from the burns.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Yes, again!
Soldier #2 splashes water from the bucket once again.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Okay, you can stop.
Soldier #2 solemnly sets the bucket down.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Only this time, I won’t get
burned.
VIOLET
Okay, how can you be so sure
of that?
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Because he’s going to do it.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Wait, me? What? We never
agreed to that.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
I did it last time!
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Yeah, and look how that
turned out.
WILLIAM
Wait, but that still doesn’t
mean you’re not going to get burned.
I mean, we can roast you any time.
JASON
William, you’re not really in a place
to be roasting other people, you
scrawny ginger. You look like
Ron Weasley had a kid with himself.
BOB & VIOLET
(wildly)
Ohhhhhhhhhh!!
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Wow. I felt that from over here.
Anyways, go.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Wait, but --
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
(sternly)
Now.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
What if I don’t?
Cut, show Soldier #2 tied up with the other four.
BOB
How you doing?
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Ah, I’ve had worse days.
JASON
Okay, this is getting ridiculous.
You’d better let us go right now.
We’re still in charge of the city.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Yeah? How’s that working out for you?
EIGHT SOLDIER #1 (CONT’D)
Now, I’m going to stand safely up
here and let the guy with the torch
do the actual lighting this time.
(snaps) Oh, and just as a pre-
cautionary, I’ve got this
(takes out fire extinguisher)
state-of-the-art fire extinguisher.
BOB
Why does it have to be
state-of-the-art?
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Be-because... shut up.
(to Soldier #5)
You ready?
Soldier #5 gives a thumbs up.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Wait, you should probably wait
for the general to say --
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Go!
Soldier #5 lights the torch to the towering 8. Again, it does not light.
EIGHT SOLDIER #1
Okay, are you serious? Is this
thing even made of wood?
Soldier #5 continues to try and light the wooden statue, but it does not budge. However, a quick muscle spasm causes the torch to light the ladder leading to the platform that Soldier #1 is standing on. Sure enough, the ladder is wood and the fire lights.
Soldier #1 rushes to use the fire extinguisher, but alas, it is empty and the soldier is left to face his inevitable fate, once again.
JASON
(to Soldier #2)
Hey, can you grab that?
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Grab what?
JASON
That thing that looks like 
where they tied the rope.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Oh, that?
JASON
Yeah, that.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Oh, well, that actually is
where they tied the -- 
ohh... 
JASON
Yeah.
Soldier #2 proceeds to loosen the knot, and eventually, the rope detaches. However, they have forgotten to take into account that they are 100 feet above the ground and will soon plummet to their death. The inevitable happens and they are sent falling.
Midway through the fall, Soldier #2 is still hanging onto the rope.
BOB
Well, this is it. We’ve
looked death straight in the
eye before, but this is really
happening now.
VIOLET
Oh no, I am really not in the
mood to go to hell right now.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Wait, why am I still holding
onto the rope? That’s weird.
JASON
Oh, my God, you’re still
holding onto the rope?
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
Yeah, I know, that’s weird --
JASON
Dude! Give me that.
After struggling briefly, Soldier #2 releases his grasp on the rope and it lands in Jason’s. He then proceeds to wrap the rope back around the wooden 8, and grabs Soldier #2’s hand on the swing.
JASON
(to Soldier #2)
Okay, grab Violet’s hand.
EIGHT SOLDIER #2
But... she’s a girl, that’s... 
ew.
JASON
Oh, my God, just do it.
Soldier #2 grabs onto Violet’s hand, and she proceeds to dangle from the extremely dangerous sweaty grasp of Jason.
Violet then grabs onto Bob, who grabs onto William.
VIOLET
Now what?
JASON
We’re going to jump on 3.
Ready?
BOB
What? No!
JASON
Guys, trust me. I almost
majored in physics.
VIOLET
You went to college for three days!
JASON
Not now! Come on.
1... 
WILLIAM
This is it. I always knew
you guys would be the death
of me.
JASON
2... 
BOB
This is never going to work.
JASON
3!
The five all jump, and because of Jason’s firm grasp, they all swing as the rope wraps nicely around and down the 8 statue. They continue swinging until the rope reaches its end near the bottom of the statue.
JASON
Now we’re going to have to
jump off.
WILLIAM
What? That’s, like, at least
a 10 foot drop.
JASON
Come on, we gotta do it.
It’s now or never.
VIOLET
Count it down again.
JASON
We don’t have that much
time before --
VIOLET
(shrieks)
Do it!
JASON
(shaken)
Uh... 1... 2... 3!
The five all jump and land on the ground, a majority of them doing somersaults as they land.
JASON
Alright, now, let’s move out.
VIOLET
Alright, our main problem here
is that we keep passing out.
How do we fix that?
BOB
Well, just water didn’t work.
What else can we do?
WILLIAM
Let’s, um... let’s take it slow.
One step at a time.
It’ll give our bodies a chance
to rest.
JASON
(beat) What? No.
BOB
That’s a horrible idea.
VIOLET
Come on, William.
JASON
I say we just do it as fast
as we can and get it done with.
BOB
Good plan.
VIOLET
Yeah, let’s do that.
JASON
Yeah!
BOB
Yeah!
VIOLET
Yeah!
WILLIAM
Wait, no, that’s... 
Jason, Bob and Violet move out. William sighs heavily and follows.
SCENE 3
INT. SEPTEM CITY - EIGHTS’ SIDE - EIGHTS’ BASE
As always, Jason, Bob and Violet simply sprint up the staircase, and as always, they start to get breathless a few floors up. William, however, follows at a balanced pace.
Soon, the other three pass out, but William keeps going.
William does eventually get to the top floor, and eyes a cabinet in the corner of the room the staircase leads to. Opening the cabinet reveals a picture of the Eights’ general, most likely drunk, taking shots at a party with a large crowd behind them, many of which are doing illegal acts.
WILLIAM
(deviously)
Perfect.
William, holding the picture runs back down the staircase, tripping on the other three on the way. This, by chance, wakes them up, and the four continue running down.
They are greeted by the Eights’ general himself at the entrance of the building.
EIGHT GENERAL
Oh, hello. What can I do for you?
WILLIAM
Um, well, you can start by
explaining what’s happening in
(takes out picture) this picture.
The Eights’ general immediately grows panicked and nervous.
EIGHT GENERAL
Where did you find that?
VIOLET
I don’t think that’s any of your
business.
BOB
Furthermore, we will show everyone
this picture if you don’t restore
balance to our city, including
the Board of Generals.
EIGHT GENERAL
Oh no, not the Board!
Anything but that.
JASON
We’ll make you a deal. If you and
your Eights kindly leave right now,
we’ll rip up the picture and forget
this whole thing ever happened.
Deal?
EIGHT GENERAL
Deal. But I get to rip it up.
JASON
Um, sure, whatever.
The two share a handshake. The general steps towards his army.
EIGHT GENERAL
Retreat!
The Eight army follows his order and starts walking out the entrance of the city.
JASON
Aren’t you going to rip it up?
EIGHT GENERAL
What? No.
JASON
What -- but, we shook on it.
EIGHT GENERAL
So?
JASON
Okay, what do you even want the
picture for?
EIGHT GENERAL
You see that cute blonde in the
corner there? (points to corner
of picture)
JASON
Um, sure, yeah.
EIGHT GENERAL
That’s my ex-wife. Left me in
the July of 2004.
JASON
Um... wouldn’t that just be more
reason to rip it up?
EIGHT GENERAL
After all we’ve been through,
I still love you, Julie.
(kisses picture softly)
JASON
Um... 
EIGHT GENERAL
If you’re not a fool, you’ll
come back to me. If I’m not
a fool, you wouldn’t have left.
JASON
(to others)
Should we go?
EIGHT GENERAL
I think about you day and night,
and I miss waking up with you
by my side.
The others awkwardly step out as the general expresses his inner monologue.
EIGHT GENERAL
Please come back to me, Julie.
Please. (starts sobbing)
Please.
The general leans against the wall and starts weeping.
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - PLAZA
Jason, Violet, Bob and William run to the crowd gathered in the city plaza, and they all cheer.
DA NERD (V.O.)
And so, peace was restored,
and the city has grown to become
the one that we know and love.
INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH
TOPH
Okay, um, great history lesson,
I’d rate it like a 6/10, but
what does this have to do with
what happened to me?
DA NERD
Okay, okay, I’m getting there.
I’ll skip ahead a bit.
The next big event happened
when someone who would end up to
be really important came to the
city: me.
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - ENTRANCE - A FEW YEARS EARLIER
Da Nerd passes through the low security at the entrance of the city as he enters, along with the long line of people following.
Rolling a bag alongside him, he takes a look from the path overlooking the city, then continues to walk down the path.
EXT. SEPTEM PARK
His brief time inside the city is interrupted by William, who trips on Da Nerd backing up in anticipation of catching the ball being thrown at him by Bob a few yards away.
WILLIAM
Oops, sorry about that.
DA NERD
Oh, it’s no problem. I’ll help
you up.
Da Nerd helps William up off the ground, which leads into a handshake between the two.
WILLIAM (V.O.)
Wait a minute.
INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH
William stands at the doorway of Toph’s room.
WILLIAM (CONT’D)
That’s not how it happened at all.
DA NERD
What? What do you mean?
Shhh... 
EXT. SEPTEM PARK
The scene replays, again starting with William tripping over Da Nerd and the ball coming at him flying overhead both of them.
WILLIAM
Oops, sorry about that. Can you --
DA NERD
Ah, what the hell!? I’m walking here!
WILLIAM
Okay, geez, sorry, I was just --
DA NERD
Oh, my God, you probably dented my
laptop!
WILLIAM
I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you
there, I was --
Da Nerd rushes to his bag and takes no time emptying all of the contents, then proceeds to inspect each item thoroughly.
DA NERD
Okay. Phew. It’s all good.
Da Nerd then struggles to pack everything back in the bag, in which it had been neatly packed before. By now, William has gotten up on his own.
DA NERD (CONT’D)
I’m still mad though.
WILLIAM
What? Why? Nothing broke.
DA NERD
Well, I’m just walking here
and you -- !
WILLIAM
God damn, I said I was sorry!
DA NERD
Okay, just... watch your
surroundings. Okay?
WILLIAM
Alright. We cool?
DA NERD
No.
WILLIAM
Why not? What do you want
from me?
DA NERD
You sprained my ankle.
WILLIAM
So? What do you want me to do
about it?
DA NERD
Nothing, it just... hurts.
WILLIAM
Oh, my God, what am I supposed
to do?
DA NERD
Well... money is the number one
source of happiness.
WILLIAM
I have, like, negative $14.
DA NERD
No, I was just saying that because
I have a hell of a lot of money.
WILLIAM
Um, okay... shouldn’t you be
happy then?
DA NERD
No.
WILLIAM
What? Why not?
DA NERD
Well, someone who wasn’t
watching where they were going
kind of sprained my ankle.
WILLIAM
I said I was sorry!
DA NERD
Anyone can just say sorry, it
matters whether or not you do
something about it.
WILLIAM
Well, what the hell do you want
me to do about it?
DA NERD
Kiss it.
WILLIAM
What!?
DA NERD
You heard me. Kiss my boo-boo.
WILLIAM
I’m not kissing your --
DA NERD
(sternly)
Kiss. It.
DA NERD (V.O.)
Okay, that is not how it happened
at all.
INT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH
WILLIAM
Yeah, it is, I remember that
exactly.
DA NERD
Why the hell would I want you
to kiss it? That’s weird.
WILLIAM
Well, I don’t know, you’re weird;
you’re the one who said it.
DA NERD
You’re weird for making up a
story like that. Latent fantasies?
WILLIAM
What are you trying to say?
DA NERD
You’re weird.
WILLIAM
Nuh-uh, you’re weird.
DA NERD
Oh, it is you who is the
weird one.
WILLIAM
You’re weirder by a mile, God.
TOPH
Okay, that’s enough, you’re both
weird. Now can we move on and
actually get to the part where
you explain what happened to me?
DA NERD
I’m getting there. You have to
know a little bit more of our
history before it makes sense.
TOPH
What? I get it. We’re the Sevens,
the bad guys are the Eights, and
everyone around here has some
serious problem.
DA NERD
(beat) Okay, yeah, that kind of
sums it up, but shh.
EXT. SEPTEM CITY - APARTMENT BUILDING
A small apartment building stands between other buildings as part of a strip mall.
DA NERD (V.O.)
So anyways, I had just moved into
the city, and I was looking for work.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOM DA NERD
Da Nerd sits in the single lawn chair in the center of his empty apartment, other than the small table sitting in front of him. He takes a sip from a coffee cup, then immediately spits it out as a result of it being hot.
TOPH (V.O.)
Wait, I thought you were rich.
EXT. CITY HALL - ROOM TOPH
TOPH (CONT’D)
How come you were sitting in
a lawn chair drinking coffee
in a shitty apartment?
DA NERD
Oh, yeah. I lied. I had like $15
and half a PB&J when I moved here.
TOPH
You just brought half of a sandwich?
DA NERD
No, it was a full sandwich, it just
only had jelly.
TOPH
It wouldn’t be a PB&J then, would it?
DA NERD
Well, you can’t just call it
an “&J”. That’s stupid.
TOPH
Jelly sandwich.
DA NERD
No. Shut up.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOM DA NERD
Da Nerd continues sitting in the chair in the empty apartment, when suddenly, his phone vibrates, prompting him to take it out. He then unlocks it and slides down the notification panel from the top of the screen, showing a notification:
	Mail (da.nerd@sevenmail.ua)
	IRmjii There is a position open
	for bartender... 
He proceeds to tap the notification to show the full email:
	RE: IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor Application
	There is a position open for bartender right now.
	We can set up a time for an interview if you want it.
	
	--
	IRmjii
	(777)555-0170
	irmjii@irmjiiicecream.ua
Da Nerd types and sends his response:
	That would be great! I can come in whenever.
	Respond with the date and time as soon as possible.
	Thanks!
Soon after, IRmjii responds:
	Come in on Monday morning around 9. Bring a resume.
	
	--
	IRmjii
	(777)555-0170
	irmjii@irmjiiicecream.ua
DA NERD
A résumé. Where could I get one
of those?
Da Nerd takes his laptop out of his bag and sets it on the table in front of him. He then promptly opens a new tab in Opera and types in “how to make a resume”. Not noticing it is an ad at first, he clicks the first result.
EXT. SEPTEM PARK
The citizens of Septem City peacefully walk around Septem Park and sit in benches as they enjoy the natural scenery.
Closer to the entrance of the park lies a small hill. Gathered around the hill are RILEY, MIKE and TRAVIS.
RILEY
It’s my hill because I got here
first.
TRAVIS
Um, no, it’s my hill because you
got the last one.
MIKE
It’s my hill because I will kick
both of your asses if you don’t
give it up.
Interrupting the quiet sequence of park-revolved events, Da Nerd comes running through the entrance of the park, and runs through the park, also knocking anything and everything in his way, including pushing not one, but two people into the water fountain at the center of the park.
He continues running and reaches IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor at the end of the block.
INT. IRmjii’s ICE CREAM PARLOR
A bell rings as Da Nerd rushes inside. The clock, notably, says 10:15. Da Nerd pants heavily, out of breath. A BARTENDER stands behind the counter.
BARTENDER
Hey, how can I help you?
Da Nerd makes his hand into a fist and looks high up in dismay.
DA NERD
(sustainedly)
Noooooooooooooooo...!
BARTENDER
(beat) Sir, I’m going to have to
ask you to not do that.
Da Nerd recollects himself.
DA NERD
(sighs) Sorry. Um, I’ll have a
mocha to go.
The bartender begins to make the mocha.
BARTENDER
That’ll be $2.98.
DA NERD
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
Da Nerd takes out his wallet, only to see that it is empty.
DA NERD
Oh, no.
BARTENDER
Hey, you know, if you’re low
on money, there’s a job opening.
DA NERD
Wait, what?
BARTENDER
Yeah, the position’s still open.
The guy who they were going to
interview today never showed up.
DA NERD
I feel like that’s me.
BARTENDER
Really? Um, you can probably
still go in there.
DA NERD
Really? I’m like an hour late.
BARTENDER
It doesn’t really matter.
DA NERD
Oh, cool. Um... see you later
then, potential coworker.
Da Nerd starts to walk towards the door behind the counter.
DA NERD
Wait, where do I go?
BARTENDER
No, you’re going the right way.
That door back there, then take
a left.
DA NERD
Okay, um, thanks again.
Da Nerd starts heading towards the door again.
BARTENDER
Wait.
DA NERD
What?
BARTENDER
Do you still want that mocha?
DA NERD
Do employees get it free?
BARTENDER
No.
DA NERD
Well, I can’t really pay for it
so I guess not.
BARTENDER
Well, what am I supposed to
do with this now? (I don’t
like dark chocolate!)
INT. IRmjii’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - BACK ROOM
Da Nerd walks into an eerie, dark room.
SOUND: WIND WHISTLING
DA NERD
Hello?
The lights suddenly flicker on, revealing a long table and a tall chair, with a man sitting in it, his back turned to Da Nerd.
IRmjii
I’ve been expecting your arrival.
IRmjii suddenly swivels his chair around to face Da Nerd.
IRmjii (CONT’D)
Since over an hour ago.
DA NERD
Okay, I know, and I’m sorry,
but I was getting my résumé
done.
IRmjii
What? You didn’t even have it
before you filled out the
application?
DA NERD
I know, I know, but I did
get it done.
Da Nerd takes out the résumé from his pocket and hands it to IRmjii, who takes a look at it.
IRmjii
Huh... nice glossy finish, good
background... did you do this
yourself?
DA NERD
No, actually, I got it done
professionally. Set me back
like $500 but it was worth it,
wasn’t it?
IRmjii
Um... you could have just,
like, typed this all out in
Word or something.
DA NERD
Wait... really? People
can do that?
IRmjii
Um, yeah. Anyway, it looks like
you’ve got some good eligibility... 
all required references... 
IRmjii puts the résumé into a portfolio.
IRmjii (CONT’D)
It’ll be considered. I’ll give
you a call.
DA NERD
Wait... what? There’s more?
IRmjii
Um, yeah. There’s more people
who applied for this, you know.
DA NERD
So? You said I was qualified
and everything, why can’t I just
have the job?
IRmjii
I will give you a call.
Da Nerd stays standing there for a few moments.
IRmjii
Leave. (beat) Like, now.
DA NERD
B-b-b-b-b... 
IRmjii
Seriously, leave. I have things
to do.
Da Nerd awkwardly steps back and out the door he came in.
SCENE 4
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOM DA NERD
Da Nerd sits at his table, twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly, his phone rings and vibrates. He answers the incoming call.
DA NERD
Hello? Did I get the job?
IRmjii (O.S.)
Okay, I have good news and
bad news.
DA NERD
Bad news first. Hit me.
IRmjii (O.S.)
No. You didn’t get the job.
DA NERD
Oh. Well, what’s the good news?
IRmjii (O.S.)
Oh, there is no good news.
I just said that so you wouldn’t
take the bad news as badly.
DA NERD
What?
IRmjii (O.S.)
I’m kidding. We have a party
scheduled for next week, and
we need a few extra bartenders
to cover graveyard. You up
for it?
DA NERD
Um, yeah, sure, definitely!
IRmjii (O.S.)
Alright. Stop by on Friday to
get your uniform and schedule.
IRmjii hangs up.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Movie Transcripts
Category:2015
Category:Notdn
Category:2010s