Bagel

Bagel is a stupid focking Bagel who knows how to do jack shit but can somehow raise an army if necessary. They die each February 4th to recharge quantum loser power, the energy that allows them to exist despite being an inanimate object.
Achievements include voring a magic mirror, shooting lasers from “eyes”, being gay but not homosexual, and leading the 👏🐋 army to glory (with the help of the goddess of narwhals herself).
By the way, quantum loser energy is actually quite common, but varies based on the source. Bagel’s energy source is a teenage Californian female, which gives them their intelligence and personality. Eventually they will merge and wreak havoc.
Also, please consider joining 👏🐋. It can only be good.