John Oliver Gone Missing

As many may already know, John Oliver was not present in the lasted article of the Bugle. While Andy did his best to control his wavering worried voice, the American police has been litterally crawling all over the case. Yes, John Oliver has gone missing. The Amercian police are having many problems located who may be responsible for this action: the audience of a bad gig, the many Buglers that have sent in death threats, Andy? The world may never know.
Though police assure us they have no leads, most of their attention has been focused on Sarah Palin. When she claimed to have shot the most annoying moose she'd ever seen, a few people feigned excitement and demanded unenthusiastically to see the head. She refused. Is this head the head of John Oliver, who, as we all know, is the most annoying moose? The police refuse to answer our questions, only saying that they are "trying" to get a warrent.
There has been a sighting he was last seen on a motorcycle in Iran shooting people with paintballs of red, white and blue whilst playing a national anthem on a trumpet ironically, to the tune of his once adoptive nation of America. Shouting "DEFENCE...DEFENCE".
Fuck you Chris