Groundskeeper Willie/Quotes

List of quotes from Groundskeeper Willie. 
=== Treehouse of Horror V ===
Bart Simpson: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Groundskeeper Willie: Why you little...
Groundskeeper Willie: [thinking] No, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop them all into haggis.
Bart Simpson: What's haggis?
Groundskeeper Willie: [gasps] Boy, you read my thoughts. You've got the shinning.
Bart Simpson: You mean "shining".
Groundskeeper Willie: Shh! You want to get sued? Now look, boy, if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that shin of yours to call me and I'll come a-running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willie's time.
Groundskeeper Willie: Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you. [Skinner hacks Willie in the back with an axe for the third time] I'll...ow! Ah...I'm bad at this.
[falls down dead]
Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back with your family where there's nothing to be afraid of, except that fog that turns people inside out.
Bart: Huh?
[the fog starts to come in]
Homer: Uh-oh. It's seeping in. Stupid, cheap weather stripping!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa: One! Chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop!
Groundskeeper Willie: [jumps on stage inside out] Too!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa,
Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop! Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out! It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about! Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in. The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine! Happy Halloween!
Groundskeeper Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I...
[gets killed by Maggie who hits him with an axe]
Maggie: This is indeed a disturbing universe.
=== Treehouse of Horror VI ===
[after Willie explodes into flame and screams, he becomes a skeleton]
Groundskeeper Willie: You'll pay for this, with your children's blood!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, right. How you going to get them? "Skeleton power"?
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll strike where you cannot protect them...in their dreams.
[while Bart is playing frisbee with Santa's Little Helper, Willie arrives at his front yard]
Groundskeeper Willie: Glad to rake your acquaintance! [laughs evilly and cuts Bart with his rakes]
[Bart wakes up screaming]
Bart Simpson: [sighs] It was only a dream.
[Bart sees the scratches on his body and yells]
Homer Simpson: [from elsewhere, sounding worried] Bart! Is that you?
Bart Simpson: Yes.
Homer Simpson: Take out the garbage.
[in his dream, Martin is dressed as a wizard]
Martin: I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation with a million hit points and maximum charisma!
[Martin spots a blackboard with verbs written all over it]
Martin: Aha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she or it dies!
[Willie morphs out of the blackboard; Martin gasps]
Groundskeeper Willie: "Moris": you die!
Martin: [runs off screaming]
Groundskeeper Willie: [chortling] You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?!
[Willie's tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him]
[in class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor]
Nelson: Ha ha!
[Principal Skinner is having a meeting with parents, but a burning Willie rushes into the room]
Groundskeeper Willie: Gaah! Help! Please help me!
Principal Skinner: Willie, please. Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
Kirk Van Houten: I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.
[before anyone could answer, the entire class looks directly at Willie, who explodes into flame and screams]
=== Yokel Chords ===
Principal Skinner: Willie, go get those kids and bring them back!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'll bring 'em back dead or alive!
Principal Skinner: NOT dead.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aww, ya never let Willie be Willie!
=== Marge Gets a Job ===
Groundskeeper Willie: [a wolf is attacking Bart] Hey, Wolfie. Put down that hors d'oeurve. It's time for the main course.
[Willie shares a flask of Scotch with the whipped wolf]
Groundskeeper Willie: Don't feel bad for losing. I was wrestling wolves back when you were at your mother's teat.
=== Homer the Heretic ===
[on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the cold congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch]
Reverend Lovejoy: How's that door coming, Willie?
Groundskeeper Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!
=== Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song ===
Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, have you got any grease?
Lunchlady Doris: Yes. Yes we do.
Groundskeeper Willie: [rips open his shirt] Then grease me up, woman!
Lunchlady Doris: Okie doke.
=== The Cartridge Family ===
Groundskeeper Willie: You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys. Let's take 'em to school!
=== Who Shot Mr. Burns?: Part Two ===
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm telling ye, I could nay have shot Burns. [crosses his legs, but briefly shows his bare crotch while doing so, causing Wiggum, Lou and Eddie to groan]
Eddie: [cocks his gun and points it at Willie] This is your last warning about that.
Groundskeeper Willie: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check my medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers. [holds up his fingers, which are misshapen] Look at them! I got it from Space Invaders in 1977.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.
Groundskeeper Willie: Video game?
=== Radio Bart ===
[while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well]
Apu: [gasps] The canary.
Groundskeeper Willie: Gas! Out of the whole! [everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary]
Dr. Hibbert: Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.
Groundskeeper Willie: Back in the hole! [everyone runs back in yelling, except Dr. Hibbert]
=== Postcards from the Wedge ===
Groundskeeper Willie: Hoisting a bag. Aye, there's no better feeling on Earth.
=== The Color Yellow ===
Groundskeeper Willie: Well done, boy!
Bart Simpson: [after blowing up a tree stump] Wait! Here comes the My Kia!
Groundskeeper Willie: What's a "My Kia"?
[The stump falls on Skinner's car]
Principal Skinner: My Kia!
=== Lisa the Vegetarian ===
Principal Skinner: Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms. Groundskeeper Willie: I warned you! Didn't I warn you? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
=== Home Sweet Home-Diddily-Dum-Doodily ===
[Skinner watches as Willie burns Bart's lice-infested clothes]
Groundskeeper Willie: See you in hell, you wingless blood-suckers!
Principal Skinner: What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpel hygiene?
Groundskeeper Willie: You'd better check out his sister. She could be rife with them bugs too.
=== Treehouse of Horror IV ===
[Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus, and Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]
Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie! Pull!
Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pullin', ya blouse-wearin' poodle walker!
=== Moms I'd Like to Forget ===
Groundskeeper Willie: You call that a scar? This is a scar!
Nelson Muntz: That's a belly button. Everybody's got one.
Groundskeeper Willie: [sad] I thought I was special.
=== Bart's Girlfriend ===
Groundskeeper Willie: [speaking about Scottish history and culture] The kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.
[Bart comes over to Willie, and ties a pair of balloons to his kilt, and leaves. The balloons rise up, causing Willie's kilt to rise up and expose his crotch, much to the shock of the audience]
Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, 'tis no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes.
=== The Debarted ===
Groundskeeper Willie: I have some information for you, but it's gonna be hard to hear.
Bart Simpson: Why, because of your stupid accent?
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, nay! Because of its upsetting nature.
=== Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life ===
Lisa Simpson: [walking down the hall at school] Ugh. What's the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home if I have to do my learning here?
[walks into the library and opens a book, smiles]
Groundskeeper Willie: [walks into the library, and runs a loudly whirring floor waxer while singing] Oh, I'll wax the upstairs and I'll wax the downstairs, and I'll get drunk in the library!
Lisa Simpson: [annoyed] Willie! Do you have to wax this floor now?
Groundskeeper Willie: [turns off waxer] No, no. I can come back later. [turns around to leave and slips on the waxed floor, landing with a loud crunch. He screams in pain]
Lisa Simpson: [concerned] Oh! Should I get the nurse?
Groundskeeper Willie: Nay, just keep studyin'. I'll scream this out. [writhing on the floor]
=== Mypods and Boomsticks ===
Bart Simpson: You're new here, so here's what you need to know: we call Principal Skinner "Principal Skin-rash", Professor Weiner is "Professor Whiner", and Groundskeeper Willie is "Grounds-Creepier Stupid".
Groundskeeper Willie: That's not even clever. There are so many aspects of my personality you can mock. I'm poor, I'm illiterate, I think movies are real.
=== Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-Annoyed-Grunt-cious ===
Groundskeeper Willie: [after performing his one man band talent] Thank you, you ungrateful bast...! [sees Shary Bobbins with Bart, Lisa and Maggie] Shary Bobbins! Is that you?
Shary Bobbins: Hello, Willie.
Lisa: You know her?
Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.
Shary Bobbins: It's good to see you, Willie.
Groundskeeper Willie: [angry] That's not what you said the first time you saw me!
=== Monty Can't Buy Me Love ===
Mr. Burns: [after draining Loch Ness, he sees something resembling it] I see it it! I see the monster!
Groundskeeper Willie: [once all the water is drained] Nay. 'Tis merely Loch Ness High School's discarded Homecoming float.
Homer: [they walk into the drained lake and Homer sees "STOMP ABERDEEN!" painted on it] No way! Aberdeen rules!
[the real Loch Ness Monster appears, crushes the float and roars. Mr. Burns, Homer, Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink all gasp. Homer looks at his Nessie-like "Macarena Monster" doll, then looks at Nessie]
Homer: My God, it's him!
Mr. Burns: Come on, boys, overpower it.
[Groundskepper Willie, Homer, and Professor Frink walk away, whistling]
Mr. Burns: Fine. I'll do it myself.
[takes off his blazer and tie and rolls up his sleeves. Eventually, Nessie is being held in a net under a helicopter, with Burns, Willie and Homer inside]
Groundskeeper Willie: That was amazing, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: I was a little worried when he swallowed me, but, well, you know the rest. [sighs] And now for my triumphant return to Springfield.
=== The Joy of Sect ===
Groundskeeper Willie: [Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie are tied up in a dark room with a small dim light on] Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks. I promise you that.
Ned Flanders: [enters the room and turns on the big light] I made some Rice Krispy Squares for our hungry deprogram-erinos.
Groundskeeper Willie: Oh, man! You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!
Ned Flanders: Well, this is my rumpus room.
Groundskeeper Willie: [sputtering] Don't call it that!
Category:Quotes