Episode 205: Coolio & Don Rickles/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Open on a KMUP special report.
A. Ligator 	Here with a KMUP newsbreak is correspondent Bernard Shaw.
Bernard Shaw 	Good evening. International financier and media mogul, Ernst Stavros Grouper, chairman and CEO of the Grouper Group, has completed a leveraged buyout of Carni-Vore Industries. Grouper, the world's wealthiest one eyed fish, was unavailable for comment due to a rubber worm lodged in his throat.
 	Kermit and Clifford watch the news on a small TV backstage.
Kermit 	Carni-Vore Industries. That sounds familiar.
Clifford 	They own that company. You know the one.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah, the one that owns that TV show.
Clifford 	What TV show is that?
 	They do a take.
Kermit & Clifford	Ours!
 	Three cheerleaders enter, waving their pompoms and chanting.
Cheerleaders 	Grouper! Grouper! Give a shout! He's the guy who bought you out! Go-o-o Grouper!
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me, but who are you?
Cheerleaders 	We're the Corporate Raiderettes!
 	The brunette punches Kermit with her powderpuff, then Grouper enters with his bodyguard, Behemoth.
Kermit 	What did you do that for?
Brunette 	This is a hostile makeover.
Grouper 	No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's "takeover", you bubble head!
Brunette 	Oh.
Grouper 	Now get back to the limo.
 	Kermit and Clifford glance at the cheerleaders as they exit.
Grouper 	I don't know why I made them senior executive vice presidents.
Kermit & Clifford	Woof.
Grouper 	(glances at them) Oh, now I remember.
Kermit 	Uh, well, gee, Mr. Grouper, let me show you around our little ––
Grouper 	Quiet, frog! From now on, I am in charge around here. And when I get done with this place, nothing will ever be the same!
 	He laughs out loud, then walks over to a hissing can of nitrous oxide.
Grouper 	Who put this laughing gas here? (laughs)
Kermit 	I don't know! This is supposed to be a serious moment! (laughs)
Clifford 	And here we are laughing!
 	They all laugh, including Behemoth.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest stars, Don Rickles and Coolio! YAAAYY!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Backstage==
 	In Kermit's office, two movers walk away with a wall painting.
Clifford	(frets) Uh, excuse me, but, but, but what are you doing to my office?
Grouper 	It's not your office anymore. Now that I am in charge, there will be lots of changes, Virgil.
Kermit 	Uh, my name is Kermit.
Grouper 	That's one of the changes. From now on, you will be Virgil the Monkey.
Kermit 	But I –– I'm not a monkey.
 	A beat. Grouper gets up from his chair and walks over to Kermit –– er, Virgil.
Grouper 	Trust me, Virgil. Focus groups like monkeys more than frogs.
Virgil 	Well, I'd have to disagree with that. Uh ...
Grouper 	(grabs Virgil) Really? Did you ever hear of Planet of the Frogs?
Virgil 	Well ...
Grouper 	"Froggy See, Froggy Do"? "Hey hey, we're the Froggees, people say we Froggee around"? (Virgil shakes his head) Ah. Muppets are not hip enough for today's audiences.
Clifford	Now, now, wait a minute, Grouper. We're hip. Our guest star this week is Coolio. (the audience applauds) Yeah, that's right, give it up.
Virgil 	Yeah.
Clifford	Yeah, you can't get hipper than Coolio, man.
Grouper 	What kind of sketches are you going to do with him?
Clifford	Well, we're taping one right now.
Virgil 	Yeah, it's called "The Two Homies of Verona".
Clifford	Let's watch, shall we?
 	They walk over to the TV monitor and watch the sketch, in which Gonzo acts alongside Coolio in a Shakespearean castle setting. The two look out the window as galloping noises are heard.
Coolio 	Make haste, homie!
Gonzo 	What ho!
Coolio 	A rival gang of archers draweth nigh!
Gonzo 	'Tis a gallop-by! Cover thyself!
 	They duck. An arrow hits the window.
Coolio 	Yoeth! ... Chilleth out! I prithee thine actions will reveal, thou art wack!
Gonzo 	Yea, verily wack!
 	They do their handshake.
Coolio 	One time.
Gonzo 	Yea.
Clifford	Man, that's funny, isn't it?
Grouper 	This is trash!
Clifford	What?
Grouper 	There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at all. Behemoth?
 	Behemoth covers Grouper's other eye with another patch.
Grouper 	Ah. There, that's much better. (laughs)
Virgil 	Well, that's not very nice, Grouper.
Grouper 	No, this is not very nice. Behemoth, intimidate them!
 	Behemoth grabs Virgil and Clifford and starts manhandling them. Grouper laughs.
Grouper 	Enough, enough! Now I will show you what hip is!
 	Blinded, he bumps into a ladder with a paint can.
Grouper 	Here is a trailer for a movie I am producing. Let's watch, shall we?
 	Behemoth turns him in the right direction toward the TV monitor.
Grouper 	Thank you.
 	They all watch the monitor...
==Trailer: Enter the Chowder==
 	Title graphics read "Grouper Group Pictures Presents". Text appears, intercut with shots of Mr. van Clamme in a dark alley.
A. Ligator 	(reading the text) You've seen him baked.
Van Clamme 	Ouch.
A. Ligator 	(reading the text) You've seen him breaded...
 	Mr. van Clamme punches a thug. He walks away, then takes his kung-fu stance.
A. Ligator 	Now he's back, and he is –– steamed!
 	Mr. van Clamme faces two thugs, one of whom whacks him with a board when he's not looking.
A. Ligator 	Jean Dodd van Clamme takes on New York in Enter the Chowder: Manhattan Style. You will see red!
Thug (KC) 	Who are you?
Van Clamme 	I am your worst anemone.
 	Another thug comes at him with a bat, but van Clamme punches him. Switch to a bedroom love scene, where Spamela lays on a bed wearing a teddy.
Spamela 	I love you, Jean Dodd.
Van Clamme 	I've got something here that I want to give to you.
Spamela 	What?
Van Clamme 	These.
 	He throws her a pearl necklace from his mouth.
Spamela 	Pearls? But –– you're not an oyster.
Van Clamme 	Well, you're a talking pig, so let's not get technical.
 	Switch back to the fight scene. Van Clamme takes out five thugs, including a goat, a penguin and a squid.
A. Ligator 	See Enter the Chowder: Manhattan Style, and you too will say, "Wham, bam, thank you, van Clamme!"
 	A card reads "COMING SOON".
Van Clamme 	Sorry, boys. Life's a bisque.
 	The trailer plays on a TV monitor in a bar, where Statler and Waldorf watch.
Statler 	Hmm, I'd give that movie four stars.
Waldorf 	And why is that?
Statler 	Because the two that are in it now stink!
 	They chuckle, then address the pig bartender.
Statler 	Oh, hey, bartender. More pigs' knuckles.
Bartender 	OK, coming right up.
 	He spits on his fist, then punches Statler.
Waldorf 	Uh ... I'll just have the pickled egg.
Bartender 	Okay.
 	He produces a tipsy, talking egg.
Pickled egg	I love you two old guys. Whoa! (falls back)
Statler 	Poor guy cracked up.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Virgil and Grouper address the gang in the control room. Virgil is dressed as a bellhop.
Virgil 	Uh, hi-ho, everyone. Kermit the Fr––
Grouper	Ahem.
Virgil 	Uh ... I mean, I mean, Virgil the Monkey here.
Grouper	Make the noise.
 	Virgil reluctantly makes monkey noises. Grouper laughs.
Grouper	(aside to Behemoth) I love this little monkey. (Behemoth laughs)
Virgil 	Uh, anyway, everybody, uh, I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr. Ernst Stavros Grouper.
Bill 	The –– the new owner? Wha...
Grouper	Now, as your new owner, I want to get to know each and every one of you by name. Who are you?
Rizzo 	Well, I'm Rizzo, the rat.
Grouper	Not anymore. Now you're Alfred the Worm.
Rizzo 	What the?
Grouper	And you. Who are you?
Bobo 	Uh, I'm Bobo the Bear.
Grouper	Not anymore. Now, you're Whipley Nibbles, the Television Elf.
Bobo 	(shrugs) Alright.
Grouper	And uh, let's see, who –– who are you?
Bill 	Well, I'm uh ... Bob. And uh, raisins come out of my ears.
Grouper	No, now you're Bill, and bubbles come out of your head.
Bill 	It worked! Yes! (blows bubbles)
Grouper	Now, now, now, there will be a few more changes. Number one, yellow will now be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two, I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken.
Rizzo 	Number three?
Grouper	Oh, very good, Alfred, my obsequious little worm.
Rizzo 	Thank you.
==Canteen==
 	Coolie sits in the canteen with Beaker. Chefs Seymour and Pepe come out and greet Coolio.
Pepe 	Hey, hey, Coolio!
Seymour	Hey, hey!
Pepe 	You're our favorite rapper, okay?
Seymour	Yeah, yeah, yeah. We think you're the Coolio-est.
Pepe 	(laughs) We're just wondering if you could show us how to become a cool rapper like you.
Seymour	Yeah.
Coolio 	Oh, so, like uh, you guys want to be bad, huh?
Seymour	No, no, no, no, no. We're already bad. We want to be good.
Coolio 	All right. Uh, let's see what you got. Beaker?
Beaker 	(meeps)
Coolio 	Help me out here, man, and keep the beat.
Seymour	Oh, good.
Pepe 	Well, that's good.
 	Beaker meeps a beat.
Seymour	I'm Seymour.
Pepe 	I'm Pepe.
Both 	We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	I'm a little bit forward.
Seymour	And I've got a big behind.
Both 	Ta-da!
Coolio 	First of all, never, ever, ever end the rap with "ta-da!"
Pepe 	Really.
Seymour	Oh, thank you. You've helped us so very much. (almost walks away)
Coolio 	Wait a minute.
Seymour	Hmm?
Coolio 	I'm not done. Now, instead of saying, uh, "I'm a little bit forward ", try saying, uh, –– "I kick flavor like Pele".
Pepe 	Uh-oh, flavor, flavor, no, no, no, no. You see, I'm a prawn. If people think I got flavor, they're going to dip me in cocktail sauce, okay.
Coolio 	Okay, never mind. Alright, Seymour, let's take your line now. "I've got a big behind" –– a rapper would actually say, uh ... "I got back".
Seymour	Back from where? Oh, did you take a trip?
Pepe 	Ooh, did you take any pictures?
Seymour	Yeah. Yeah.
Coolio 	(sigh) Alright, alright. Let's not deal with the lyrics, okay? Rap is all about attitude. It's about how you feel.
 	Seymour and Pepe nod.
Seymour	I feel hungry.
Coolio 	Oh, alright, that's good. But, but how do you feel, like –– what makes you angry?
Seymour	Right. Let's see. I get angry when when I don't eat.
Pepe 	This is true.
Coolio 	Okay. I'm sensing a theme here. Okay. Pepe, how do you feel?
Pepe 	Well, I have these antenna, and they help me to get around by, by feeling things, you see.
Coolio 	No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, how do you feel about life?
Pepe 	(gasp) ... I like life. It's a good cereal.
Seymour	Mmm.
Pepe 	Yes, especially the cinnamon, okay.
Seymour	Mm-mm-mm! Cereal, that makes me hungry.
Pepe 	Yeah.
Coolio 	Maybe we should go back to the lyrics.
Both 	Okay.
==Backstage==
 	Grouper continues listing changes.
Grouper 	Number 36, we will be downsizing the staff.
 	The other Muppets cheer.
Grouper 	You fools! That means I'll be firing people.
 	The other Muppets stop cheering.
Grouper 	Okay, now everyone, back to work. And don't forget, the company picnic is in two weeks.
Virgil 	Wait a minute, Mr. Grouper. You can't just tell us you're going to fire someone and then expect us to go back to work. You're destroying morale.
Grouper 	Quiet. I know what to do. I anticipated this sadness. So I brought in my own staff psychologist to boost morale. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Don Rickles!
 	Don enters through the doors to applause.
Don Rickles	Thank you, Fishface.
Grouper 	(laughs) He makes me laugh.
 	He laughs, then exits with Behemoth. The Muppets sheepishly greet Don.
Gonzo 	Hi there.
Don Rickles	How you doing, guys? I'm here to help all of ya.
Gonzo 	Fine, doctor.
Don Rickles	I've never worked with aliens before. (Rizzo laughs) Don't get so close. I don't need what you have.
Virgil 	(to Clifford) This is supposed to boost morale?
Don Rickles	It's party time!
Clifford 	I feel like I've been Sigmund Fried.
Virgil 	I'm going to go have a talk with Mr. Grouper. (exits)
Don Rickles	Whaddya say? We're gonna have a good time. I tell you the truth, this is great. (to Bobo) This guy. Snap out of it, huh? I spoke to the state hospital. You're OK. You're well. (to Rizzo and Gonzo) You're all happy guys. Happy guys! Now get out of my life! Get on with your life! (the Muppets disperse) Have a good time, guys. Enjoy! It's America! We're having a wonderful time! The Muppets are back! Happy New Year! I need a girl! I need anything! Get me a monkey! Somebody help me! (sobs) I don't want to be on this! I want to go home!
 	In Grouper's office, he looks over some papers as Virgil enters.
Grouper 	No ... no. Mm hmm. No ... no ... no.
Virgil 	Uh, Mr. Grouper.
Grouper 	Yeah, yes, my little funky monkey?
Virgil 	(scowls) I am a frog. I am not a monkey!
Grouper 	Yes. And the Elephant Man is a human being. What else is new?
Virgil 	Well, I'll tell you what's new, Grouper. Uh, just because you bought the company, it does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around.
 	A beat. Grouper gets out of his chair and charges at Virgil.
Grouper 	What are you saying, Virgil?
Virgil 	I'll tell you what I'm saying, Grouper. If the Muppets can't be who the Muppets are ... then I quit, Grouper, I quit! Quit! Quit! Quit!
Grouper 	Oh, Virgil, my spunky little funky monkey. You cannot quit.
Virgil 	Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Grouper 	BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!
 	He laughs, walking over to the gas container.
Grouper 	Oh, who keeps leaving this laughing gas here?
Virgil 	(laughing) I don't know! I'm fired! Oh dear!
 	Rizzo pops up, wearing a nose guard.
Rizzo 	Hey, it keeps them happy.
 	They all laugh, including Behemoth.
==Real World==
 	The opening montage plays as each Muppet narrates.
Clifford 	(VO, seen sleeping in bed) This is the true story of five Muppets ...
Bobo 	(VO, seen shaving in front of a mirror) Picked to live in a house ...
Darci 	(VO, seen playing the guitar) And have their lives taped ...
Bill 	(VO, seen blowing bubbles) To find out what happens ...
Rizzo 	(VO, seen eating pizza) When Muppets stop being polite and start being real. The Real World: Muppets.
 	The confessional...
Clifford 	Lately, I've been feeling a little claustrophobic. Like I don't have enough privacy.
 	The bathroom. Clifford reads the comics in the tub, laughing, when Bobo stumbles in.
Bobo 	Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, don't mind me, Chief. I'm just playing through here.
Clifford 	Hey, Bobo, get out of here, man. I'm in the tub.
Bobo 	Oh, I know. I'm just changin' the ol' contact-a-roonies, y'know. (looks over his shoulder) Oh, you're reading the funnies, huh? Oh, I love Garfield. Yeah, yesterday he tricked Odie into eating an entire lasagna. (chuckles)
Bill 	Good morning, Clifford.
Bobo 	Good morning, Bill.
Clifford 	Bill, what do you want?
Bill 	Oh, don't mind me. I'm just here to floss my bubble hole.
Clifford 	That's more than I wanted to know.
Bobo 	Bill, Bill, look, look in the paper there.
Bill 	What's that, what, what?
Bobo 	Garfield tricked that dopey dog again. (laughs)
Bill 	Oh, yeah. Yeah. (laughs)
 	Bill and Bobo continue their conversation, as Rizzo pops up in the tub.
Rizzo 	Hey, Clifford, could you hand me the flea dip? I'm having a lot of trouble getting rid of the little guys.
Clifford 	Rizzo, where did you come from?
Rizzo 	Well, if you really want to know, when a mommy rat and a daddy rat and love one another, they ––
 	Clifford shoves him down. Darci enters wearing a shower cap and robe.
Bobo 	Oh, good morning.
Darci 	This is so great! All you men getting together for an aromatherapy bath.
Bill 	Is she for real?
Bobo 	(shrugs)
Darci 	What essential oils are you using?
Rizzo 	Uh, Guenther's Flea and Tick Death, essentially.
Bobo 	You mean that stuff gets rid of ticks too?
Rizzo 	You betcha, big guy.
Bobo 	I'm getting in there, little guy. (tries to get in)
Rizzo 	Oh, hey, wait a minute ––
Clifford 	(to camera) Kill me now.
 	Rizzo and Clifford scream as Bobo squeezes into the tub. Switch to the confessional.
Clifford 	This is really getting out of hand. I never have a moment alone.
Bill 	That's right. He is starting to get highly edgy.
Clifford 	Will you get out of here, man? This is my confessional!
Bill 	Sorry, Mr. Edgy. (leaves)
 	Night. Clifford sleeps in his bed, when he notices Rizzo sleeping next to him.
Rizzo 	Hey, watch it, horsie-head! Ohh.
Clifford 	Rizzo, get out of my bed!
Rizzo 	B-but the heater's busted and you're the only guy with an electric blanket and I am freezing! Now move over!
 	Bobo knocks the door down.
Clifford 	Hey!
Bobo 	Oh, boy, it's dark in here. Turn the light on ... (flicks the switch) Hi guys!
Clifford 	Bobo!
Rizzo 	Uh hi, Bobo.
Bobo 	Hey, what are you guys doing? Do you mind if I get in there with you - you know, the heater's busted.
Clifford 	Yeah. Yeah, we know.
Rizzo 	Come on!
Bill 	(enters with a pillow) Hi, fellas.
Rizzo & Bobo 	Hiya, Bill!
Bill 	Hey, you know, I just couldn't sleep.
Clifford 	Is it because the heater's broken?
Bill 	No, it's because I have an impacted bubble in my head. Hey, you wanna tell ghost stories? (gets into bed with them)
Rizzo & Bobo 	Yeah, yeah!
Clifford 	No, no, no!
Darci 	(enters with a pillow) Hi, guys.
Rizzo, Bobo, Bill	Hi, Darci!
Darci 	Mind if I join you? I'm having a bad night. The world is DARK and COLD!
Rizzo 	Oh, well, that's because it's uh, it's nighttime and the heater's busted. (laughs)
Darci 	So who wants to watch Molly Dodd reruns on Lifetime?
Clifford 	Not me, not me.
Bobo 	Oh no, no, no, I got a better idea!
Rizzo 	What?
Bobo 	PILLOW FIGHT!!
Clifford 	No, no!
 	They start batting each other with pillows as Clifford writhes.
Clifford 	Stop it!
 	The confessional...
Clifford 	I decided to take matters into my own hands.
 	The dinner table. Clifford serves everyone bowls of what looks to be nuclear waste.
Bobo 	Boy, Clifford, uh, sure is nice of you to cook dinner for us tonight.
Rizzo 	Oh, yeah, this soup is delicious and it glows. Ha ha.
Darci 	Mmm - what's that unusual flavor? Tarragon, fennel?
Bill 	(slurp) Turmeric?
Clifford 	Nah, it's a little something I picked up from the Department of Defense.
Bill 	Whoa, lookie, I can see right through my hand.
Rizzo 	Yeah, me too.
Darci 	Me too ...
Bobo 	Whoa, look at that.
 	They all look at their hands. Music button.
==Backstage==
 	Grouper rushes into the control room.
Grouper	Where is everybody?
Nigel 	Oh, they're organizing a coup to overthrow your tyrannical regime.
Grouper	Wha?
Nigel 	I mean –– (chortles) –– they're knitting you an eyepatch-cosy.
Grouper	Oh, that's nice. So, what can we put on the air, Nigel?
Nigel 	(throws a fit)I have NOTHING to put on the air! You understand? NOTHING! I'VE GOT NOTHING! NO CREW, NO NOTHING! HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PUT TOGETHER A SHOW WITH NOTHING –– oh, look! Here's a tape of the first time that Coolio appeared with the Muppets.
Grouper	Good! Give me that! I'll do it myself.
 	He grabs the tape and rushes to home base, facing the audience.
Grouper	Oh, hello! I didn't see you standing there. Ha, ha, ha. Did you know that Coolio made his first TV appearance with the Muppets back in 1987 on Muppet Star Search? (pause) Well, he did! Uh –– let's uh, let's roll the tape, shall we? (realizes he's holding it) Ooh, that's me!
 	He rushes over to the VCR and inserts the tape.
==Muppet Star Search==
 	Open on Ed McMahon, emceeing the show.
Ed McMahon	Our next contestants are two young men who have a rather unusual name. They call themselves Chilli Manilli.
 	Coolio and Clifford, both sporting long dreadlocks, take the stage, performing "Baby Don't Forget My Number" – but the record skips, revealing that they've been lip-synching.
Ed McMahon	Hey, hey. Are you guys lip-synching?
Coolio 	Nah - we ain't lip-synching, fool!
Clifford 	Yeah! Don't make me come over there and smack you, Ed!
Ed McMahon	Relax, guys. It's only a television show.
Coolio 	(to Clifford) Man, I told you this was a stupid idea. Kill the music! (the music cuts off) Look, man, I'm not doing this anymore, man. I'm goin' solo.
Clifford 	What are you gonna do? You don't sing.
Coolio 	Maybe I'll just talk the words with some sort of rhythmic cadence.
Clifford 	Oh, yeah? And what you gon' call it?
Ed McMahon	OK. That's –– that's a wrap! (walks off)
Coolio 	(snaps fingers) Rap! That's it!
Clifford 	What? You're gonna call it "wrap music"? (laughs)
Coolio 	(strangles Clifford) No, I'ma wrap my hands around your throat for talkin' me into this!
 	Coolio exits. Clifford, noticing the crowd, desperately tries to finish the song.
==Closet / Unemployment Office ==
 	Grouper passes by the closet. Clifford peeks through the door of the closet, where he and the other Muppets are hiding.
Clifford 	(whispers) All right. Here's the deal. Grouper's gotten way out of hand. We gotta get Kermit back.
Rizzo 	Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 	Clifford notices Behemoth among the group.
Clifford 	Hey, what are you doing here?
Behemoth 	I'm with you guys.
Rizzo 	Shhh!
Clifford 	But you work for Grouper. Here's a fish gone bad.
Behemoth 	He may be evil, but he's got an excellent dental plan.
 	The others chuckle.
Gonzo 	I say we should all stick together, hmm?
Rizzo 	Yes.
Clifford 	All right. Everyone who agrees we should stand up to Grouper, take one step forward.
 	They all step forward, nearly suffocating him in the small space.
Clifford 	(muffled) Take a step back! Take a step back!
 	They back up.
Gonzo 	Sorry, sorry.
Rizzo 	Sorry.
Clifford 	Then it's unanimous. I just wish we could do something to help Kermit.
Rizzo 	Hey, don't worry about Kermit. If I know him, he's relaxing swampside, cooking up some multi-million dollar deal to buy the station back. (nudges Pepe) Huh? Huh? Huh?
 	The others nod in agreement. Meanwhile, Virgil is next in line at the unemployment office, behind an actor.
Officer (Fred Willard)	Well, with your resume and experience, the only thing I have available is a 22-episode commitment with NBC.
Actor (BB) 	Is it Must See TV™?
Officer (Fred Willard)	Yes.
Actor (BB) 	(shrugs) I'll take it.
Officer (Fred Willard)	(hands him the contract) Sorry.
 	The actor exits.
Virgil 	Uh, excuse me, I'll take one of those big network deals, too.
Officer (Fred Willard)	Too bad, all the big networks are full.
Virgil 	Well, what about the "dubba-dubba-WB"?
Officer (Fred Willard)	They've already got a frog.
Virgil 	(sighs, then perks up) Hey, do they need a monkey?
 	He acts like one, until the officer gives him a blank look.
Officer (Fred Willard)	Next. (to Virgil) Thank you. (to line) Step lively, please.
 	Virgil exits in defeat.
==Backstage==
 	Grouper watches "Tales from the Vet" on a TV monitor, when Don Rickles addresses him.
Don Rickles	Hey, Mr. Limpet!
Grouper 	Huh? (walks over to him)
Don Rickles	I did what you said. I talked to your happy little Smurf friends.
Grouper 	Mm-hmm.
Don Rickles	So now give me my check, huh, so I can get back to my wife.
Grouper 	Uh-uh –– slow down, my bald and irritating friend. Do we still have a show to put on?
Don Rickles	You fired the frog, remember? Without Kermit, you don't have a show.
Grouper 	Not true. I have you, I have Coolio, and I have a plan. (laughs)
 	Main stage, moments later. Don, dressed as Kermit, plays a banjo and tries to sing "Bein' Green", but stops abruptly.
Don Rickles	And then –– all right. That's enough singing. This stuff isn't working. Sorry, Grouper. Sorry. No dental plan is worth this. I'm outta here! I gotta get a good job! They ruined my career with this, with Muppets!
Grouper 	(rushes over) No, Don, don't go ––
Don Rickles	I don't need you, you dummy! Look at you! You must have come out of your mother and hit the wall! (exits)
Grouper 	(stammers) If you walk out now, you ... Don?
 	Statler and Waldorf watch this going down on the bar TV.
Statler 	(nods) Hmm. Now I've seen everything.
Waldorf 	Good. Does that mean we can stop watching?
 	They chuckle, then notice a familiar frog behind the bar.
Statler 	Hey, bartender, didn't you used to be...?
Kermit 	Well, yeah, but a guy's gotta work, you know.
Waldorf 	Not if he's smart, he doesn't.
 	They chuckle.
==Urkelo and the Macademia==
 	Meanwhile, back on the set, Grouper laughs nervously on camera.
Grouper	Hello! Heh. And now it's time for Muppet Dance Party, with me, Grouper, and our special guest, star of Family Matters, Steve Urkelo.
 	As dance music plays, Coolio emerges, dressed as Urkel.
Grouper	Oh, oh, oh! Here comes Steve Urkelo! (laughs) Uh, let's Macadamia.
Coolio 	Don't you mean Macarena?
Grouper	Oh, no, no. I couldn't afford the rights. I wrote this one myself. Now, shake your booty, Steve Urkelo!
 	He and Coolio dance, until Coolio bumps into a fruit cart. Grouper laughs.
Coolio 	"Did I do that?"
Grouper	Oh, yes. And if you do it again, there'll be no snacks for you, Steve Urkelo. (laughs)
Coolio 	(drops the Urkel persona) Wait a minute, man.
Grouper	Huh?
Coolio 	This Urkelo thing is stupid.
Grouper	(flustered) I'm not –– not paying for your opinion!
Coolio 	I'm outta here. (leaves)
Grouper	No! No, wait, the ––
==Grouper showdown / "1,2,3,4 (Sumpin' New)"==
 	Coolio enters the control room and takes off his Urkel look; Grouper chases after him.
Grouper 	Coolio! No, no! You don't understand! Steve Urkel and my Macarena knockoff test very high in the market research!
 	The Muppets peer out of the closet.
Coolio 	Yeah, yeah, well, market research don't know everything. The best thing for the show to do is to let me do what I do, and let the Muppets do what they do.
Grouper 	Bu-bu-but, the Muppets are not HIP like you are!
Coolio 	See, now that's where you got it all wrong. Hip is not what you do. It's how you do it.
Pepe 	You want to see hip? We'll show you hip!
 	A Muppet music video begins of “1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New)”.
Pepe 	
♪ Uno, dos, tres, cuatro,
♪ Get your woman on the floor.
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
Coolio 	Here we go!
♪ One, two, three, four.
♪ Get your woman on the floor.
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
(He raps the first verse with modified lyrics "let a Muppet know" and "I got sumpin' brand new for your class”.)
Clifford & Seymour	♪ One, two, three, four.
Gonzo 	♪ Get your woman on the floor!
Pepe & Rizzo 	
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
Coolio 	Here we go!
Muppets 	
♪ One, two, three, four.
♪ Get your woman on the floor.
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
Pepe 	He's Seymour.
Seymour 	He's Pepe.
Both 	And though we seem wack ––
Seymour 	Pepe kicks flavor like Pele.
Pepe 	Seymour got back.
Seymour 	We're hip, we're hop, side by side.
Pepe 	And they're jockin' my antenna, from here to Atlanta!
Seymour 	Yeah!
Muppets 	
♪ One, two, three, four.
♪ Get your woman on the floor.
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
♪ Gotta-gotta get up to get down!
Coolio 	Now somebody, anybody, everybody, SCREAM!
 	They all scream as the song ends. Applause.
Coolio 	Now you see, salmon breath. That's hip.
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Grouper 	All right, all right, maybe I was wrong. The Muppets can be … alright, I want you all to go back to work! Let's go, let's go.
 	The gang starts to corner him.
Clifford 	Uh-uh. No way, no way. Only if you beg Kermit to come back.
Grouper 	Buh - but I can't have him come back without proper focus group testing!
Clifford 	Oh, I got your focus group, alright. Everyone that wants Kermit to come back, take one step forward.
 	They all step forward, squishing Grouper against the wall.
Grouper 	Alright! Alright! Alright! (they release him) I see your point. (exits through the doors) 'Scuse me, 'scuse me. Camera three!
 	The gang cheers. Grouper rushes to the stage and addresses the camera.
Grouper 	Kermit, come back now. Please.
 	Outside, Virgil sees him on a stack of department store TVs. He approaches his organ grinder, Don Rickles.
Virgil 	Hey! Hey, did you hear that? I got my old job back!
Don Rickles 	Not until 8 PM ya don't. Now dance, Virgil, dance!
 	He dances and hoots as Don grinds the organ. A passer-by puts a coin in the cup.
Don Rickles 	Oh, thanks, a million, fella. (to Virgil) You've got enough money to get somewhere …
 	The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Don with the Muppets, the pickled egg in the bar, Don and Grouper, and Don and Nigel.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts