Bears

Bears are not real. They do not exist. WAKE UP, MORONS!
 The Illuminati and other Powers That Be keep trying to push the existence of bears on us: they pop up everywhere. Remember Yogi Bear, which tried to indoctrinate children into believing in bears? Or Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Or Winnie The Pooh? (I guess he was a bear. He was a pooh, whatever the fuck that is. Doesn't matter; there's more): Chicago has a sports team called the Bears, some hairy gay men self-identify as "bears", animatronic bears are featured at pizza restaurants!  The bear agenda is being shoved down our throats. The movie The Revenant is just one recent example of fake bears in movies. Stephen Colbert featured bears on the Colbert report all the time (as a threat), Conan O'Brien has a masturbating bear. And there is the movie Ted and the sequel. Plus children are given "teddy bears" which is also an Elvis Presley song which Prince covered unofficially at concerts (Elvis & Prince--not dead, BTW). 
Just like the Globe agenda, you will notice how bears are being absolutely forced upon us! And don't even get me started on so-called "polar bears" and the TV show LOST. The Earth has no poles, much less polar bears! NASA knows this. Jack Hanna knows this! Bear Grylls knows this!  For God's sake--Pandas are not real; Koalas are not real! They don't even LOOK real!
Have you ever seen a bear just out in the wild? Of course not! No one ever has.  I have walked around my neighborhood many many times and never once saw a bear, and I was really looking.  People who claim to have seen bears are lying or have actually seen bigfoot and thought it was a bear.
Now, I can't say why they are pushing this bear agenda or why they have spent all this money creating animated bears to be in zoos, and You Tube videos etc. But we can't be sheep about this! (not that I believe in sheep. Know what? I tried counting sheep once....there were only like 14. That's it. 14 sheep.)
I think it is pretty obvious to anyone who is really paying attention that bears do not exist. Noah had no bears on the ark.
When the good lord above created this flat Earth, He put no bears upon it!
What kind of God would create bears!?!
I felt the truth about bears needed to be out there and not suppressed by the pro-bear media. We live on a flat, bearless, plate with no North or South Poles! 
If I were not just a simple blue-collar guy, I could explain all of this. In other words, if I were a scientist or some other type of expert, I could explain this better. But, for the love of God, don't ask any scientists or experts. They are all in on it. So is the Media and zoologists.
Bears! HA!
**A slightly different version of this was read aloud by "Hollywood" (?) Brian Frange on The Unbelievable Podcast episode 149. It is submitted here, not as parody of the total idiocy of Flat Earth Theory, but as a debut conspiracy theory, because, c'mon, bears? No fuckin' way!
Category:Cryptids
Category:Conspiracies‏‎