The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause/Transcript

Ho ho ho.
All right, class, if a reindeer leaves Elfsburg flying west at 20 miles per hour, and another reindeer flies east travelling at 50 miles per hour, how many hours does it take for them to be 210 miles apart?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Trish.
How come we can't learn things we want to?
Like what?
Like...
Was it weird when you married Santa and had to move up to the Pole and give up your old life?
Weirder than you can possibly imagine.
But then something so gigantic happened that it changed Santa and me forever.
Like what?
OK.
Baby Claus is on the way.
Ladies, keep up.
Please, hot water and hot ointments.
You, think sugar plums.
Do not panic!
Do not panic!
Curtis, the baby's coming.
Cocoa, the baby's coming.
Mrs Claus, the baby's coming.
I know!
Deep breaths.
That's gonna leave a mark.
Push.
Oh.
Oh, Scott.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Where's Dr Hismus?
Oh, oh, Scott.
I'm right here, babe.
I'm right here. It's all right.
Honey, it was a false alarm.
Again?
I stopped a pedicure for this?
Scott! Scott, come here.
Come here just for a second. Come here.
Scott, come here.
Come here, come here, come here.
OK.
Ready? Wait for the kick.
He's a genius.
He?
She. She's brilliant like her mother, with rhythm like her dad.
Yes. But not amazing timing.
I wish the baby had come this afternoon, or last week like we thought.
I'm going crazy.
I'm really going crazy.
You need a diversion.
No, no, Scott.
No more gifts.
You already gave me a necklace, oven mitts, the cheese wheel.
This is not for you. This is for the baby.
I'll be back in a jiff.
Ho ho!
Ho!
Ho!
That never gets old.
OK, now what do we have in the bag for a baby?
Well, oddly enough, we have a baby bag.
And inside that baby bag, let's see what it is...
We have...
Oh.
Oh, Scott! Oh, honey,
it's beautiful!
The baby's gonna love it.
Yeah. It spins around like this.
Oh. Later. Come on in.
Hey, doc.
Dr Hismus, I'm glad you could come.
How are you today?
I'm a little concerned because the baby hasn't come yet.
No need to worry, Mrs Claus.
Santa! Production has been so behind we need you on the floor immediately.
I can't come down now. It's impossible.
I'm still mapping out the sleigh route.
Got plenty of work here.
Have you checked this list once?
I perused it.
Help me help you. Help me help you.
Let's start with your blood pressure, OK?
Help me help you, help you help you help me, help me help you.
Don't be nervous.
It'll be done before you know it.
Help you help me help you... help me.
Help you.
One more thing. The Council of Legendary Figures called an emergency meeting.
I can't leave the North Pole and go to a meeting.
They know. That's why they came.
Here?
Where? In the kitchen?
In the kitchen.
Is there an echo in here?
OK, OK. You know what?
Sweetheart, I'm feeling so much better.
I think that I'm going to go... on a walk, which is great for the baby.
You stay here and have your blood pressure taken, which is great, and I'm gonna go see what's down the hall.
Hi, ladies.
Honey?
Honey.
- Carol.
- Anything I can do for you, ma'am?
No, thanks.
- Care for some company?
- Not from you, Mr Claus.
- Why not?
- You can't spend time with me
and get toys ready,
I understand completely.
- You do?
- Of course I do.
I just hope you're not delivering
when I'm delivering.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
Carol, there's no way I could...
Nice chrome work, Lenny.
That is so workin'!
- Thanks, Santa.
- Yeah, baby, yeah.
All right.
Look, I know this is all
a bit overwhelming to you,
but... wait a minute. Stop.
Did you see this?
Amazing technology.
Look at this. It's a duck.
It quacks in three languages.
El ducko says "quacko."
Le duck says "quack."
Il duck-e say "quack-e."
Things can't help me right now.
- Hey, come back-e.
- It's people that I need.
You know, family.
Ho ho ho ho! Family?
We are your family.
Elves, we're her family, right?
We love you, Mrs Claus.
Taller family.
Human family.
Oh, sweetheart, anything but the tears.
- I'm sorry. Thank you.
- It's OK.
It's an impossible situation.
If I didn't want to be with you
so much, I would go home.
But I can't have it both ways.
I guess I just...
Wait a minute.
Hey. Maybe you can.
- I can what?
- Have it both ways.
- How?
- I can bring home here.
- You can?
- You can?
I'm gonna bring
your parents up here.
- My parents?
- Her parents?
Elves!
Sir, the SOS.
- Excuse me?
- SOS. Secret of Santa.
There could be dire consequences.
The possibilities increase
exponentially that the secret
of the North Pole's location
could be compromised.
Christmas would cease to exist,
crushing the hopes and dreams
of the world's children and
extinguishing the joy of Santa's magic!
There's that.
He has a point.
My parents can't keep a secret.
Listen, honey, the reason
you came up here was because of me.
I'll do what it takes
to make this right.
- You will?
- Yeah.
Yes. Yeah, I will.
You know why?
Cause what do they say about Santa?
- He delivers!
- Yes!
How will you pull it off? My parents
think you're a toymaker in Canada.
How am I gonna pull this off?
The answer is in the question.
"How are we going to do this? My dad
thinks you're a toymaker in Canada."
- Canada?
- Canada.
It's north, in North America, eh?
Vinegar on their French fries,
they sit on their chesterfield
to watch hockey.
Shoot the puck, daddy-o!
Come on, everybody!
Elves, everybody listen up.
Grab your hammers,
the in-laws are coming.
Hey, Robbie.
Virgil, let me see your teeth.
That's good. Hiya, elves.
- Hi, Tooth Fairy.
- Open up. Let me see.
Beautiful teeth.
Open the doors if
you want to fall in love!
Everybody, look,
Cupid in the house.
Oh, work, work, work.
That's nice to see.
- Hi, Cupid.
- What'd I miss?
Where's fat boy?
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Cupid, what's up?
Hey, EB.
- Santa.
- Molarnator.
Sandman.
Mother Nature, Father Time.
Merry Christmas, again.
Good to see everyone.
You think it's necessary
to call an emergency meeting?
I'm ready to ride the sleigh,
know what I mean?
We thought you should see this.
Silver bells!
I found 270 of them at shopping malls
scattered across the Northwest.
I hereby call this session of the
Council of Legendary Figures to order.
This is ridiculous.
- Sandman!
- I'm up, I'm up!
Hey, Cupid, nice skirt.
Easter Bunny.
Our first and only
order of business
is the disciplinary action to be taken
against council member Jack Frost.
Now that's what I'm talking about.
You love it. Am I right?
You guys finally woke up
and are giving me my own holiday.
Frostmas, of course,
is just a placeholder.
I'm wide open.
Frostgiving, the Frost of July.
Frosthog Day,
the possibilities are endless.
Jack, you are hereby
charged with 273 counts
of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus.
You froze a volcano in Hawaii,
you made it snow in the Amazon
and you frosted Mexico, sending all
of the geese north for the winter.
You violated
the Legendary Figures code of conduct
in a manner that is
wilful and malicious.
Excuse me. Did you just accuse me
of being skilful and delicious?
- Please.
- Guilty as charged.
You herald the season.
You're not a holiday.
You're the best friend,
not the leading man.
And you kill fruit.
All in favour of suspending Jack Frost
from the Legendary Council, say...
Wait a minute!
Father Time, wait a minute.
You gotta understand,
I have enormous untapped potential.
But all I am year after year
is an opening act.
A setup man for Mr Big.
- Why don't you let that go?
- No.
We have the same conversation
every year.
You get the soda cans
and the TV specials.
The postage stamps,
the billboards,
the beautiful adoring wife,
and the army of toy-building yes men.
What do I get?
A few runny noses and some dead citrus.
You know, Jack,
it's no picnic being me.
Because of problems an entire continent
might go without toys. That's right.
On top of that, I've got to protect the
secret of Santa because the in-laws...
Mr and Mrs In-Bad-Mood-Every-Time-
l-Turn-Around are coming.
Not supposed to,
gotta come up with a solution.
On top of that, I'm worried
about being a father again
because I wasn't all that good at it
the first time.
Oh, Santa.
We had no idea.
Oh, Santa, I'm sorry.
If it were me in the red suit, I'd
probably go right to the Escape Clause.
Oh, no, the Escape Clause.
Way too extreme. Really.
Escape Clause?
What's up with that?
Maybe if you'd attend a meeting
once in a while you'd know.
You can manipulate time
but can't grow hair.
Legendary?
I don't think so.
I am not evoking the Escape Clause.
I made a commitment.
I'll handle the toys
and be there when
my wife delivers that baby.
- Let me help.
- You've done quite enough.
No, no, no.
Instead of a suspension,
- how about community service?
- Please.
What if... what if I...
What if I tutor myself
at the elbow of the master?
Huh? I could lend a hand.
Make some toys, wrap a few presents.
And if I don't make it with the hefty
man, he says the word you suspend me.
Please, Santa.
I know I don't deserve another chance,
but I am asking you for one.
I want to make things right.
All right.
You don't want to get suspended?
I'll give you one more chance.
But you have to be a
Jack-Frost-of-all-trades.
- You have to listen to the elves.
- Uh-huh.
Curtis is your boss.
And I mean it.
If there's one,
one icicle out of place,
- you are gone.
- I will not let you down.
Motion carried.
Ho ho ho!
Boys, boys, save it
for the stables, will you?
Look there. They got a new roof.
Easy, easy!
Uncle Scott is here!
Lucy! Coat!
Comet!
Next time we fly, go easy
on the alfalfa, will you?
- Uncle Scott.
- Hey, Luce. There we are.
- There it is.
- All warm?
Just like magic.
You have the warmest hug in the world.
- Hello.
- Hi, Comet!
- Hey, son.
- Hi, Dad.
I missed you so much. Hi.
A few days early, aren't you?
Isn't that baby due any moment?
Oh, we got lots
to talk about. Hey, Neil.
That's a...
That's a good-looking sweater vest.
- It's reversible.
- Of course it is.
- Let's go inside.
- Lucy, come on.
Look at that,
it's snowing in Hawaii.
Yeah. It's not really magical
like the one Charlie has,
but I love it.
And now I have 12. See?
You know, I have
quite the snow globe collection myself.
- How's Danielle doing?
- Good.
Thanks for letting me
go snowboarding with her.
You're welcome.
Hey, I brought you something.
Just a little thing.
Oh, boy.
What a mess in here.
There we are.
Wedged behind a wheelbarrow.
Dad! That's awesome!
- Thank goodness it wasn't a car.
- Thanks, Dad.
Wow, this is beautiful.
Lucy, sweetheart,
what are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on out. Come out here. Come here.
- Get out of the bag.
- Why can't I fit inside?
It takes a lot of practice.
I wish I could come
to the North Pole with you.
I could help Carol a lot
and she loves me.
That's true. And hey,
maybe I should be the one
there for Carol.
You know?
I mean, another mom.
I could... I could help.
- Hey, maybe...
- Girls.
I've got a full sleigh.
You understand my situation.
Now, wait a minute, Scott.
Let's pause a moment here...
...and take a feelings inventory.
Let's look at what you're doing as
an uncle from a therapeutic standpoint.
Charlie's been to the Pole.
Your new baby's
being born at the Pole.
Lucy's a member of
this family too, Scott.
And if you harshly exclude her
from this formative experience,
you could scar her for life.
And, consequently, her parents,
who must accompany her
on long-distance journeys.
Please, Uncle Scott.
Can I come to the North Pole, too?
Please?
Oh, that's awfully good, isn't it?
Guys, I've done it.
What have you done?
Is it going to clean itself up?
I don't think so. Quickly, quickly.
Curtis, I haven't seen
the bearded wonder around for a while.
- Where'd he go?
- None of your skis' wax.
No need to be nippy. With all
the stress, I wouldn't blame the guy
- for doing that escape hatch thing.
- Escape Clause.
Little elf woman, one cocoa, por favor.
- Right away.
- Thank you.
How does that Escape Clause work,
anyway?
Sorry, classified.
Elfland Security Act.
- That's just what I'd say.
- What?
If I didn't know anything.
Don't be embarrassed.
Makes perfect sense,
big guy would know important stuff.
For your information,
I'm elf number one.
I know all there is
about the Hall of Snow Globes.
Everybody knows about the Hall
of Snow Globes. That's not special.
Not special?
Not special?
It's the most top-secret,
hush-hush, amazing
place in the world.
It's where every Santa through history
has kept his personal snow globe.
How can you say that
that's not special?
Because it isn't.
Unless you know what it has to do with
the Escape Clause, which you don't.
I bet Santa doesn't even trust you.
Now, you listen here, frostface.
Secret Santa snow globe.
Santa.
I wish that I had never
become Santa at all.
Wait, wait, wait, what's this?
This is where I'm transported
through time
and everything goes back
to the way it was,
like I'd never become Santa at all.
Gets the snow globe,
puts his hands on it, says the words,
and then whoosh!
Job opening: Santa Claus.
Told you I know everything.
Wow.
I never dreamed I'd be so well-connected
to elves in high places.
We really must party
in my condo in Gstaad sometime.
It'd be fun.
Tell me, how do you get into
the Hall of Snow Globes, anyway?
Sorry, Jack. Now that's classified.
I know that...
...elf number one.
- Did you bring the deep-dreamin' stuff?
- Got it.
It's important they sleep and dream
they're on a wonderful flight to Canada.
- I'm with the programme.
- Good.
I may be sleepy, but I'm not stupid.
Yeah, well, take the hat off.
I get sniffly without my cap.
OK, OK.
All right, all right.
Hey, Dad?
Scott Calvin, as I live and breathe.
Good thing you called.
Otherwise I don't know
if I would've remembered you.
It's me, good old Scott Calvin.
You look a little like Father Time.
Doesn't look anything
like Father Time.
Oh. That's a nice door.
Well, thank you. Yeah.
It was a little sticky,
but smooth as a baby's butt now.
- Come, take a feel.
- Oh, why not, huh?
Look at that.
Very butt-like.
Who's your pal?
Sandy. This is my associate.
He'll be taking us to the airport.
- An associate? Business must be good.
- Busy as usual.
So busy you can't bring our daughter
to visit her mother and father?
Scott.
Oh, so nice to see you.
- You too, Sylvia.
- And your friend?
- Sandy.
- Sandy.
Nice to meet you.
Do you know how excited
we were to get your phone call?
See, we get so few,
and each one is special.
Oh, come on, you guys,
you'll catch pneumonia out here.
It's so wonderful
to have you all here.
- Festive.
- Easy.
Please, please sit down.
Oh, no, no, no. No.
We gotta get to the airport.
Kind of a hurry. Let's get
your bags and pop 'em in the car.
- I'm almost packed.
- Great!
Throw my underwear in a bag. It's not
like we're going to the North Pole.
- It's cold in Canada.
- Well...
Remember when we went to Yosemite?
Oh, here we go, Yosemite again.
It was freezing
and there were bears.
You never left the lodge.
Because it was freezing.
- And there were bears?
- Yes! And it was freezing.
- It was freezing weather?
- It was in the freezing weather.
Let me understand.
You did not enjoy the trip to Yosemite?
- You heard me.
- I heard you.
What?
What part of our plan was not clear?
Let's put them to sleep
when they get into the car.
I couldn't stand to hear
the Yosemite story anymore.
OK. So let's figure how we'll
get in the car. We'll both...
Sandman, what are you doing?
What? Sandman. Sandman!
Great, I get to throw
his underwear in a bag.
Hey, Mrs C. What you doing?
Oh, hi, Jack.
I'm trying to pick a tree
the whole family will love.
Ah, family.
You know, I cannot imagine
how hard it must be
keeping such a big secret
from your folks.
Oh, you have no idea.
Tell me, Mrs Claus...
...being legendary by marriage,
do you ever find yourself wondering
if it's all really worth it?
Well, it's definitely worth it.
I'm sure dropping your life,
schlepping all the way to the North Pole
- has been totally worthwhile.
- Yeah.
Probably not one iota,
not even a scintilla, of regret?
- Not one.
- Yeah.
Look at that. Oh, dear.
A little sad, neglected maybe.
Just needs a little tender loving care
that nobody's bothering to give,
don't you think?
It's perfect.
I will give you all
the TLC that you need.
Scott loves decorating the tree.
He always insists on putting
the tree topper on himself.
Ho ho ho!
They're here!
This is so exciting.
I'm here! I cannot believe it!
I'm actually here!
What a wonderful surprise.
I didn't know you were coming.
- Uncle Scott brought me.
- Hey.
And we tagged along!
Hey! Hey! Hi!
Oh, it's tall people...
Not that you're not tall.
Surprise!
- Hello!
- Oh, you look wonderful.
- Really?
- You are glowing.
- What did you think of my parents?
- They slept the entire trip.
This is amazing!
Can we see the workshop?
Yes. Go right there.
Go ahead.
Oh, wait, wait, wait!
My mom and dad can't know we're
at Santa's workshop in the North Pole.
Where do they think we are?
Welcome to Canada!
Eh?
An easy flight,
we cruised through customs.
Oh, what a strange flight.
Go, go, go.
It was like a dream.
And such a nice meal.
They gave you a meal?
I got four nuts in a pouch.
And you had us sit in coach.
No, that was first class.
And I got a chance to sit
next to Tony Bennett.
Mom! Dad!
Sweetheart! Sweetheart.
- Come here.
- Oh, you!
Look at you, look at you.
And look at this, look at this.
It could be twins.
But since you married the toymaker,
we don't get a lot of information.
Oh, honey, just stop it, OK?
Sweetheart, I am just so happy
to see you, darling.
I'm so happy to see you, too, Mom.
I'm sure you have
a perfectly good reason
for shutting us out of your life.
Magnificent.
It's amazing.
Killer.
Please remember,
you're welcome to observe,
but don't touch
or interfere with toy-making.
I'll make sure she
doesn't get into anything.
Look! Kobi the Magic Panda
and accessories!
Lucy!
Lucy, come back here.
Whoa!
Trains.
I'm... I'm just gonna go make a doll!
Oh, excellent job.
Bang, bang!
Isn't that fun?
Faster, worker elves, faster.
The Hall of Snow Globes, perhaps?
What might we have here.
It's a lot of beans.
How many beans can he eat?
Who are you?
Who are you?
You don't resemble
one of the red man's minions.
- What's the deal?
- I'm Lucy. Scott's my uncle.
Ohh. I'm Frost.
- Jack Frost.
- Who?
Jack Frost.
You know, the Jack Frost?
Never heard of you.
Jack Frost.
Legendary figure. Ring a bell?
No. But I know about Tooth Fairy
and Sandman and the Easter Bunny.
You got to know about me, I'm
a legendary figure, with enormous power.
- OK, OK, chill.
- I invented chill!
Sorry.
Hey...
How would you like to be
one of my elves?
No.
Hey, Mom?
No.
What a quaint little village.
Everybody's just so petite.
No. Tom Cruise is petite.
These people are short.
- What's the deal with them?
- Who? What?
Oh...
Have you ever been to Canada?
No. It's too far.
We did go to Rochester, New York, once,
to visit her sister.
Very lovely place.
But it's not Canada, is it?
No.
Well, this is...
This is what Canadians look like.
And stretch.
Stretch.
Let all those packages go.
Know that you're enough.
And breathe.
Very good.
Don't forget you can do this on your own
whenever you get stressed out.
I won't always be here
to help you.
Stress can reduce your life
by hundreds of years.
Hundreds.
You take Christmas very seriously.
- It's the most wonderful time of year.
- Yeah!
Honey, just because
you're not into Christmas
doesn't mean others can't enjoy it.
Kids won't enjoy their toys this year.
This should've been in stores weeks ago.
Oh. No worries. We have a unique
distribution system here.
In order to distribute this stuff
you're gonna have to freeze time.
Manipulating the space-time continuum
for one-night global delivery
is the easy part.
Who are you?
Curtis.
Eh?
- Who's hungry?
- Hey, guys, how you doing?
- Who's hungry?
- Hey, guys, how you doing?
Come here. Got some exciting news.
Will put a little spring
into your elfin step.
Santa says he really
wants you to take a break.
So there's a delicious vat
of steaming hot cocoa in the lounge
with your little names on it.
Oh, it's a tantalising blend
of full, rich cocoa
with just a suggestion...
...of vanilla.
Get in there and try some, won't you?
It's got your names on it.
Enjoy.
A sumptuous blend of Gold Coast
and Spanish cocoas.
Sweet to the palate,
but, oh, so warm to the tummy.
With a trickle of cinnamon
and orange essence,
enough to drive
the taste buds mad!
Go on.
Look at this kitchen! Oh!
Look at the size of that oven.
You could cook
a woolly mammoth in there.
- Let's have something to eat.
- You got some operation.
You've been holding out.
Why the secrecy?
There's no secrets. We're family.
Heavens sakes, you must be the in-laws.
So very pleased to meet you.
Hi.
- Bud, Sylvia, this is...
- Jack Frost.
Not Jack Frost. He's playing Jack Frost
in our "Yippee, it's Canada!" parade.
Oh, yes, of course.
To bring frosty cheer
to the workers.
I'm kind of like the team mascot, eh?
Who does your hair?
You like it? It's... I freeze-dry it.
Sir, can I borrow you?
Yeah. Excuse me just a minute.
We have a small paperwork problem.
Go ahead. I'll make sure
everyone's as happy as a lark.
For that's why I'm here, eh?
Cocoacchinos, anyone?
- What's going on? What's going on?
- We're still trying to assess here.
Somebody get me out of here.
We've got a cache failure in the
motherboard. You gotta get a rerouter.
- You need a solder gun...
- I can't see!
You need some scissors here.
I'm off to help electrics.
Kitchen this size,
I can't find a sandwich.
Oh, let me help you there.
For heaven... How does
something like that happen?
Oh, dear.
- Cocoacchinos, anyone?
- Oh. Yes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Let me get you
this chair here.
There we go.
Isn't that lovely?
And here you go.
I hope you like it.
- Oh, my.
- It's my own recipe.
Yes.
Minty.
Doesn't it make you feel fresh?
Oh, yes, it does.
Oh, my, I just... I love your hair.
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
- I love yours.
- Really?
- I've never seen anything like that.
- Oh, you're so adorable.
You divine little kitten, you.
- And I bet you sing, too.
- No, no, no, no. No.
Go on. I bet you can sing.
- Maybe a little bit.
- I knew it, I knew it.
- Sing something.
- What would you like to hear?
How about...
Oh, I love it.
No, no, go back to
the other line, the part before...
Oh, it gives me chills.
Oh, what a lyric.
- What's going on over here?
- Your mother is fabulous!
Would you like to be my elf?
You heard me.
Heads up! Heads up!
Coming through!
- Fire!
- Back off! Back off!
Back off!
We got a dangerous situation.
Back off!
Back off! Don't breathe.
Don't breathe in.
What's wrong with you people?
We were an inch away from Armageddon.
- I'll get a mop.
- Oh, Dad, you did great.
- You all right?
- Had to be done.
- That was wonderful, honey.
- Hi, everyone.
- Oh, my!
- You're awake!
Awake, yeah. Who are you?
Oh. Mom and Dad, this is Scott's
ex-wife Laura and her husband Neil.
- Hi.
- Their daughter, Lucy.
Hi.
They came to join us
for Christmas. Isn't that nice?
If Scott is that close to his ex-wife,
and you don't find that
incredibly threatening,
I'm sure it's very nice.
Hi, everybody, I'm back.
Hey, what happened?
You didn't tell your in-laws your
ex-wife is spending Christmas with you.
More secrets.
Nothing works in this joint.
Think this is something?
See the delivery room.
Is there a problem?
I want to see the delivery room.
What?
- Heavy load! Coming through!
- Watch your backs, people.
Set it down there.
This is the delivery room?
This is not a delivery room.
This is a disaster. What's going on?
We're remodelling.
It'll be huge, comfortable.
This is a broom closet.
The oven in the kitchen's bigger.
This isn't a broom closet...
Watch your back again!
There we go. This is the hospital
for the entire toy factory.
How about that, Syl?
Our grandchild is being born in a
broom closet of a Canadian toy factory.
You can be honest with us. Don't be
afraid. Are you held against your will?
- Is there even a doctor here?
- Yes, there's a doctor...
Hello! I'm Dr Hismus.
Pleasure to meet you, eh?
- This is the doctor?
- Very good doctor.
- I see.
- Watch your backs. Excuse me.
What are we supposed to do
with the wood in here?
- Why do we have wood in here?
- I'm taking over.
Don't be silly.
Let the tiny Canadians do it.
Somebody get me an apron
and a hammer.
Get him an apron and hammer.
- What's happening?
- Emergency in the toy factory.
- I'll be back in two minutes.
- OK, let's go to work.
I got this one.
There it is! I got it!
Look out, coming through. I got it.
Go. Boy, these bears...
We gotta make 'em stop.
It's a great way to put out an eye.
Shut this place down!
Hey, cut it off, cut it off.
Right there's the start. Cut it off.
Where are the fire elves?
Help. Give me an aisle. Come on.
- Let the professionals at it.
- Hit the base of the flame.
Sir, sir!
Curtis, stop. If you're gonna
tell me our entire facility is in ruin,
Christmas is tomorrow,
for the first time in history
kids of the world won't get what they
asked for because I failed, stop it.
I can't stand one more
piece of bad news.
- Then good news, sir.
- What?
Your pants are on fire.
Fire in the hole!
- Captain.
- I'm on it, Curtis.
Oh, my. Is there anything I can do?
Put a chill on my bottom for me?
Go to the naughty and nice area,
help the elves clean up.
- Go! Move, move!
- Quickly, move it!
- Stop lollygagging!
- Status report.
Springs on the pogo sticks melted.
Let me see, let me see. I like that toy.
Glenda. Give me a status report.
- Legs on the ironing board burned up.
- Let me see.
Only the wheels are left
on the wooden truck.
That was my favourite.
The rockets are in pieces,
but the launch motors are intact, sir.
Launch motors intact?
Get over here.
I think I got an idea.
Jet-powered scooter board.
Way to go, Santa!
That's how the men in red
get things done.
We got a schedule to keep,
get back to work.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Whoa. You're just amazing.
Can't keep a good Santa down, huh?
So, doesn't anything bother you?
You don't sweat the small stuff.
Problem at work, that's a challenge.
Problem at home, a problem.
Uncle Scott, that was the most
amazing thing I've ever seen.
Wait a minute.
You weren't worried, were you?
- Not for a second.
- Neither was I.
Uncle Scott, you know
what I've been dying to see?
No.
Your snow globe collection.
You can see it,
if you can catch me.
Watch out, coming through.
Last one up is a glazed ham!
Don't watch what I'm doing,
this is a very secret code.
- Oh, come on, Uncle Scott.
- It is.
Very secret.
Watch what happens.
Look out, look out!
Whoa.
Where are we?
I told you I have an amazing collection
of snow globes.
This is the Hall of Snow Globes.
Go on in.
This is so beautiful, Uncle Scott.
These are all the snow globes for
all the Santas that have ever been.
And this one...
...that one's mine.
It's my very favourite,
just like you gave Charlie.
Yeah. You know,
I'm kind of partial to this one myself.
Look, it's snowin'.
Yeah. You got a good collection.
Too bad you don't have one like this.
- It's... It's me.
- Yeah.
Hugging a snowman.
Oh! And he turns pink!
I told you your warm hugs were magical.
Thank you for my present, Santa.
It's OK.
Well, look at it this way.
One down, 2.6 billion to go.
We better get out of here.
Hold on, here we go.
Do you want me
to put on the tree topper?
Save it for Scott.
He always puts the tree topper on.
Of course.
It's strange how much
this resembles...
- Hi, honey, I'm back.
- Oh, honey, are you OK?
Great. Good news is
I get to spend time with you guys.
Scott.
Sir.
Sorry to interrupt.
There's something
you need to check twice.
Two minutes?
What? What?
We have a problem. This is unreadable.
Because it's all crinkled up.
You gotta plan it out.
It's gotta be in my office.
Yeah, my office.
- Neil?
- What?
Let's go find Lucy,
get her washed up for dinner, OK?
Leave that here.
Leave it.
We'll be right back.
Don't worry, honey.
That's not gonna work.
It's busy season.
It's always his busy season.
That's Uncle Scott's snow globe.
You're not supposed to have that.
- I know. Isn't it great?
- It's not great at all.
You've done a terrible thing.
You'll be on the naughty list for life.
But naughty list people have more fun.
- I'm going for help.
- I wouldn't do that.
Mom, Dad! Over here, quick!
- Lucy!
- What?
- Come on, hurry!
- What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Sweetheart, what is it?
I told you not to do that.
Jack Frost took Uncle Scott's snow globe
and he knows that it's not his.
Stop!
Stop!
Don't! What did you do?
I froze them.
Now, am I gonna have to do
the same thing to you?
Or are you going to get in that closet
and stay there without saying a word?
Smart girl.
Oh, smile, will you?
I've had kids beg me
to freeze their parents.
And to think I asked you to be my elf.
Of course all those bears
are machine-washable.
Right. Just put it on the card.
I can't be in two places at once.
You gotta manage and stop
calling every time something goes wrong.
I'm a little busy
with my family, Curtis.
All I want to see is
busy, busy worker tushies.
Hey, hey,
I'm rolling downhill.
This is not up to code,
this building.
You're number one. Act like it.
Why haven't you put
the tree topper on yet?
Scott's just been a little busy.
Tell your dad to do it.
And then watch the suddenly displaced
Mr Claus run right over.
Go ahead. It'll be fun.
Dad, do you wanna help me
with the tree topper?
Yeah, in a minute.
I don't know who he is anymore.
I don't know who he is, either.
Neil, Lucy and Laura
should be here for this.
They left a while ago.
Some Canadians invited them
over for cocoa.
You know how they are.
Yak-yak, yak-yak, eh?
Scott? Tree topper, what do you say?
Scott, honey,
let's put the tree topper on.
- We can make a toast.
- You built this place on a fault line.
Millions of kids in Australia go
without gifts. What can I do for you?
- Tree topper.
- Oh, yeah, tree topper. Good.
Scott? Toast.
Just a second.
Good.
Bad. Well, good for goodness sakes.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Curtis, I can't talk right now,
I'm putting the tree topper on.
It's important. Can't talk.
Curtis, please, please, I gotta go.
Bye.
Gonna put it in my pocket.
I'm not answering that.
I'm putting the phone in my pocket.
Put it in my pocket. All done.
OK, everybody, as I climb up
this beautiful tree,
I know we've had our ups and downs.
But as I place this tree topper
in the traditional place,
I just want to say...
Be careful, honey.
Oh, honey.
Honey... I think maybe I can fix that.
I know you're upset.
You picked up on that, did you?
Bud, what is that supposed to mean?
If you weren't working
all the time you'd know.
You don't understand
the pressure I'm under.
Well, maybe it's not as bad
as being ripped away from your family
- and told you can't see them anymore.
- Dad.
Maybe I invited you here
so Carol can be surrounded
by family for love and support while
I do things you can't even imagine.
Rather than make things work,
you make things worse.
We're leaving.
- What?
- Maybe we shouldn't have come.
Maybe you're right.
You shouldn't have come.
Maybe I should never have come either.
Don't say anything you'll regret.
I think we all need
to cool down for a second.
Why don't you and I take a walk?
Let's go. Let's just go.
Oh, sweetheart.
It's over.
I thought I had a second chance
at having a family, but I blew it again.
Hey. There's no one I know who could
hold this all together but you.
But I didn't.
My in-laws resent me,
Christmas is a disaster,
and my pregnant wife wishes
that she never had met me.
I was gonna wait until tomorrow
to give you this,
but...
I think you need
a bit of a pick-me-up now.
- I can't.
- Come on. Open it.
- I don't feel like it.
- It'll make you feel better.
- I don't feel like it.
- Come on, open it, please.
Thanks.
So are there times when you wonder...
Wonder what?
- If this was even...
- Worth it?
More than you know.
Tonight's one of these times, huh?
Wish I'd never put that red coat on.
So... you wish you'd
never become Santa at all?
I wish I'd never become Santa.
At all?
At all. At all.
Yeah, at all.
I wished I'd never been
Santa at all. Happy?
I am now.
No!
Ho ho ho.
Hey, you!
Ho ho... Uh-oh!
Get off me, blubber ball!
I will not let you put on that coat!
Oh, yeah? Watch me!
Don't even think about it, Jack.
You hit me with a shovel!
Adios, fatty!
No, Frost, no!
Oh, no.
OK, so, the Mississippi
factory needs to know
if we want them to ship
100,000 units or 200,000.
They won't ship tomorrow
because it's Christmas,
but they will ship Thursday,
which means...
- They're not gonna ship tomorrow?
- Yes, sir.
- This is Christmas Eve?
- Yes, sir.
What are you doing?
Why are we working?
We always work Christmas Eve.
- We do?
- Of course.
Well, that... that's ridiculous.
Christmas Eve is when you
spend time with your family.
- Where's my family tonight?
- I really don't know, Mr Calvin.
What do you mean?
Well, you rarely see them
and you... don't mention them.
Where are my car keys?
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, I just came over to see...
See what? Why on earth would you
drag yourself all the way over here?
- Is that Derek?
- No.
- And you're not going out tonight.
- Yeah, OK.
- What are you doing here?
- Came over to see you.
Why?
Cause we don't see
each other enough.
- What?
- Come on, Charlie.
I'm outta here.
- Charlie, it's Christmas Eve.
- Like either of us care, Mom?
- Charlie.
- What?
Come back here. Charlie!
- Good night, Scott.
- Wait, wait!
Can you help me find Carol?
- Carol?
- Carol Newman.
Carol Newman, the principal
of Charlie's school?
- Yeah. Do you know where she is?
- I don't know. She moved away.
Ran out of local kids to terrify,
I guess. I don't know.
What is the matter with you?
Neil. Neil and Lucy,
they'll understand.
- Where are they?
- At the North Pole.
At the North Pole?
Yeah. The North Pole.
- Frost.
- What?
Frost turned the North Pole
into a theme park.
Neil has been taking Lucy
to the North Pole
ever since he and I got our divorce.
Divorce?
Are you sure you should be driving?
I'm gonna make everything OK.
I'll make everything better.
Yeah. OK.
Get a ticket. We were here first.
I hate it. I'm not getting on.
- I'm not made of money, all right?
- Let's go.
Try our gingerbread houses.
They're Santalicious.
Don't forget to buy
a ticket for Santa's show.
Do I look like
a cash machine to you?
I want a dancing Santa!
Keep moving. Come on.
Forget it, that's it.
- I saw it first.
- No, you didn't.
- I'm buying it.
- Give it to me!
- No way!
- Mom!
- Dad, I don't like this.
- That's just too bad.
Hey, stand somewhere else.
You stay right here with me
and hold my hand!
- I wanna see reindeer.
- Stop pushing!
- Why are we here?
- Because you wanted to...
Kids, how much your parents love you
depends on how much
they spend on your present.
Hurry up, Dad, let's go!
- Come on, I want a ride!
- Lucy!
- Neil!
- Scott Calvin.
Odd place to run into you.
Luce?
What's up, Mr Calvin?
Can we please go?
Wait, wait, wait. What happened
between you and Laura?
I know you think therapy is like
witchcraft, but you might consider it.
Please, please, just tell me.
You don't really know
because you were never around.
It shouldn't be any news to you, Scott.
You were never a father to Charlie.
You put all the pressure on me,
and guess what?
He didn't want me to be his father...
...which messed things up pretty good
between me and Laura.
Want me to go on, Scott?
Come on, Dad, the line's getting longer.
Excuse me, sir.
- Curtis.
- Yes, sir.
Can I offer you two tickets for a turn
to build a toy with Santa's elves?
I'll throw in this commemorative pen,
voice-enhanced. Cash or credit card?
- Cash or credit card?
- That's silly.
Not sure, I'll throw in
a pass for the nice list.
Walk with me, won't you?
Curtis, it's me.
Oh, for the love of candy canes,
what have you done here?
Well, sir, this is a nice list kiosk.
The line ends by the petting zoo.
Parents pay to have
their kids put on the nice list?
Not right. I better change things
back the way they were.
Who's your boss?
Where's Frost?
Curtis, where's Frost?
- Security!
- Bring Frost out here right now!
I'll take care of him.
Look, there's Santa.
Nice to see you, mon frere.
I've been waiting.
Has it been 12 years already?
Frost. What have you done?
Hey. Easy does it, Armani man.
No hello? Love what you've
done with the place?
Shave a reindeer for five dollars.
What about the secret of Santa?
How could you do this to the North Pole?
The whole thing is way too much work,
too much pressure.
No one even thanks you
for all the effort.
No thank yous? What about
the plates of cookies and milk?
Please, I'm cleansing.
I stopped the whole
toy delivery nonsense
and brought anyone
who could afford to pay up here.
Who needs magic? Who needs to be
crawling on roofs and chimneys?
I got everything I need right here.
Look around. This isn't how the North
Pole's supposed to be. This is wrong.
Why don't you chill out
and enjoy the swag, huh?
This junk is not
what Christmas is about.
- You're the one who gave it up.
- You tricked me.
- Give me a break.
- I didn't know you had my snow globe.
Maybe not, but who said,
"I wish I'd never been Santa at all"?
What?
I said, "Who said
'I wish I'd never been Santa at all'?"
Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?
Frost, switch back with me.
Now's your chance.
And this is your chance
to enjoy the show.
- Security.
- Yes, sir.
Take my guest to his seat, won't you?
Thanks so much.
Come on, let's go.
Tickets on sale now
for the 6:00 elf toss.
Never too late to get tickets to Santa's show.
Hey, Luce.
I know something really wonderful about you.
- You love snow globes.
- Yeah.
Well, if that's true,
I've got a surprise for you.
Just up those stairs, behind the vending machine is a secret room filled with snow globes like you've never seen before.
Beautiful snow globes. There's a secret code to get in that room.
What's the code?
You grab the one in the middle and bring it back down to me.
I need your help.
But I don't want to go up there all alone.
Lucy...
...trust me.
This is really important.
OK.
OK.
OK. I'll create a little diversion.
Boy, this show stinks.
Come on.
Hey, hold it!
Coming through.
You can't catch me. Come on, guys.
Can't catch an old dog like me?
Lucy? Lucy!
Grab a seat, everybody.
The show's about to begin.
Thank you! Thank you!
I'm gonna kick the coal out of whoever did that.
You.
You're not Santa Claus.
That is an impostor. I'm Santa Claus.
Guards! Guards, get him!
Bring it on! Who wants
some of this? Come here!
If you don't mind...
Where are you going?
Get down from there!
Guess if you guys want me, you're gonna have to come up here and get me!
Get this through your head. You're not Santa anymore. You're just a guy who smells like a cookie.
Hey, how about a game of catch?
Lucy, toss it.
Jack Frost: Nice try, compadre. And lovely teamwork. There's only one problem. You're never gonna get me to say...
Pen: (recording) I wish I'd never been Santa at all.
Scott Calvin: Now who said that? Rudolph? Rudolph's mama?
Jack Frost: NOOOOOO!
Ho ho ho.
I gotta get my coat back.
Come here.
- Boy, you are just...
- Hey!
- Whoa. Freaky.
- Hey, you!
Ho ho... Uh-oh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let me go! That coat belongs to me.
No, Frost, that coat belongs to him.
You got him!
This guy was huge.
- I'm Santa now.
- You don't look like Santa.
- You killed him.
- Did not.
- I want my coat.
- Dad, you gotta see this.
Charlie, Charlie!
Stay away from those things.
I want the coat!
'Cause you make such a good Santa?
Because all the elves love you?
Those people you
took money from love you?
Listen to me, listen to me. Being
Santa's not something you could take.
It's something that chooses you.
Well... how do I look?
Nice?
And you're too late.
No!
Carol.
Carol!
Well, that didn't work out
the way I'd hoped.
Carol.
Oh, Scott.
We've been looking everywhere for you.
Come here.
Oh, Mrs Claus, I've missed you.
- I missed you so much, so much.
- Wait, it's just been a few minutes.
- It's only been a few minutes?
- Yes.
Of course. It only takes a few minutes to see the truth of an entire lifetime.
I don't understand.
A man goes in the world, and expects his dreams to come true, and then...
...the unexpected happens.
Pick up a coat and become Santa.
That's huge! A lot of pressure, taking care of the children of the world, and the elves and the SOS and the North Pole, but he loses sight of what's important:
The woman who falls in love with him...
...and gives him a baby.
- I love being Santa and I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Have you been drinking cocoa?
- No. I'm back.
- I've missed you very, very much.
- I missed you too.
Ohh.
Hey, you guys know what happened?
- No.
- We ticked each other off. That's it.
Like families all over
the world do on Christmas Eve
that love each other,
ticking each other off.
They don't have to be perfect to be good
families. We just have to be together.
I'm still so very sorry
that we added to all
this pressure that you're under.
I think that we should apologise.
Don't you?
No. It's good I'm tough on him.
I'm his father-in-law. It's my job.
As long as you promise to do it
every Christmas, it's fine.
We'll see about that.
I'm a busy guy.
And so am I. And I'd like to show you guys what I do.
The SOS.
The SOS is about secrets, secrets aren't for families. I'm tired of keeping you from your family.
So if you guys would follow me to my factory.
Elves?
Elves! Stop working for a minute.
I'd like you all to say hello to the in-laws.
Hello, in-laws!
Hello.
How ya doin'?
Elves.
Oh, my.
They're not Canadians. They're elves.
Never said... in person...
Listen, if they're elves, this is not a toy factory.
This is probably Santa's workshop.
And if this is probably...
If this is Santa's workshop,
...then... he...
Then he's the guy.
Hey, you... you're the guy.
You're Father Christmas.
It's a little freaky, but... you'll get used to it.
Whoa!
Oh!
Whoa!
If you're Father Christmas, that means I'm Father Christmas' father-in-law.
That means I'm... I'm Father-in-law Christmas.
And I'm Mother-in-law Christmas.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Hi, Santa!
Hi, Bud!
Sylvia.
Oh, the little pellets behind me?
I'll clean those up later.
Santa, where do you keep
the Phillips screwdrivers?
Oh, elf construction. Talk to Irv, OK?
Oh, oh, Cupid!
At this altitude you might consider an underdiaper.
I don't mind the draught.
That was Cupid.
Yeah.
Hello, Santa.
Father Time.
Father Time. What next?
Well, hello, Santa.
This is a blast!
Mother Nature.
How can I ever thank you for this?
Oh, don't thank me.
He's the one who brought us here.
Dad.
Charlie!
Hi, Santa!
Hey, Tooth.
Hi, Santa.
Sandy.
Checked in with Curtis and found out you were behind, so I called professionals.
Checked in with Curtis and found out you were behind, so I called professionals.
Uncle Scott!
Lucy, what's happened?
I found her locked in a closet.
What's wrong?
You've got to see what Frost did to my mom and dad.
It's gonna be OK.
Yeah, and...?
Elficers, I have him.
Jack, this isn't funny.
Unfreeze the parents right now.
Jack Frost: No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself, and that is something I'll never do.
Mother Nature, help me out.
Can you thaw him out?
Mother Nature: I'm sorry, Santa. Our powers don't work on legendary figures.
Isn't that a shame?
What do you say, Luce?
Do you think it'll work?
The question is, do you?
OK.
This is what you're all reduced to? Sending a little girl in to save the day, are we? What you gonna do, adorablise me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my... (Lucy hugs him) way! Hey. I feel so strange. It's so gushy inside. Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. What's happening to me?
Lucy: I'm warming your heart.
But they told me it couldn't be done.
But they didn't know about magical hugs.
I think I like it.
Mom, Dad!
Lucy!
Mom! Dad!
Group hug!
- Feel the love.
- Yes.
- Oh, Scott. It's time.
- Oh, about 10:00.
It's time to deliver the package.
No. Midnight, as usual.
No, it's time to deliver the package.
- Yeah.
- It's time to deliver the package!
Baby Claus is on the way!
And then the most magical thing of all
is that I got to deliver
just before Santa had to deliver.
Are you telling the stories again?
So cute!
Make sure you get to the part about
Santa changing a mean diaper.
So who got to pick out the name?
That was easy.
We named him after his grandpa.
That's right.
Say hello to Buddy Claus.
What's going on?
- Keep rolling. Don't cut.
- Ready, boys?
- Ready?
- Calm down.
We'll do it right, Marty. Mark!
Marker. Action!
Do you like carrot juice?
Beta carotene gives me a buzz.
Honey!
- I'm built for speed and comfort.
- Ohh.
You... You weird me out.
Oh, God.
Look, I'm not gonna... evoke?
Invoke.
Look, I'm not gonna evoke...
Invoke!
Easy!
I'm not gonna invoke...
Frost. He turned the North Pole into an amusement park.
Why is that... Why is that funny?
North Pole?
Is my fly down?
Frost.
Is my acting somehow humorous to you?
Well, I'm Santa now.
Really? You don't look like Santa.
Well, I am... I'm sorry.
That was good.
That was good.
All of a sudden Rosemary Clooney showed up. "Well, I am."
Mother Nature, can you thaw him out?
Can you thaw him...
Tim!
What?
I was laughing 'cause it was in the scene.
There's no laughing in the scene.
I was happy.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Disney Transcripts
Category:Christmas transcripts