Episode 501: Gene Kelly/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 501: Gene Kelly.
==Cold Open==
 	Pops brushes a wind-up toy bridge of false teeth.
Pops	That's right! Up and down, not sideways.
 	Gene enters through the stage door.
Pops	Who are you?
Gene	Well, I'm Gene Kelly. Did Kermit leave a ticket for me? They didn't have it at the box office.
 	
Pops	Gene Kelly? You don't need a ticket. You're tonight's special guest star. (nods)
Gene	Oh gee — there must be some mistake. I wasn't planning to do anything tonight. I thought Kermit invited me over just to watch the show.
Pops	No, you're tonight's guest. You're supposed to sing and dance!
Gene	(laughing) Oh, no, no way. If you invite a guest to dinner, do you expect them to cook?
Pops	Is that an offer? We could use a good cook around here.
 	The Swedish Chef knocks him out with a pan, then offers it to Gene.
Gene	No - I don't know who you are, but I love your cooking. (glances at the camera nervously)
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Gene Kelly! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it rings and a voice comes out. He puts it to his ear.
Gonzo 	Hello? … He's not home.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where we have one of the greatest singer/actor/director/dancer/movie stars of all time, the incomparable Gene Kelly! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, before Gene actually performs for us, we have a —
Gene 	(from off-stage) Kermit!
Kermit	Just a second.
 	He walks over to the wings, where Gene is watching.
Kermit	Uh, what's up, Gene?
Gene 	Kermit, you don't understand. I'm just here to watch the show.
Kermit	Uh — you mean, no singing or acting or dancing or starring?
Gene 	Nope. I'm just going to be part of the audience.
 	
Kermit	Uh, well listen, uh, let me just introduce this number and then we'll talk about what you're going to do on the show, huh?
Gene 	Nope. I'm just going to sit here and have a great time.
 	Kermit stammers as he goes back to center stage.
Kermit	Uhh, okay folks, uh, well, here all the way from Baffin Bay, the endangered species chorus line.
 	
 	The curtain opens to an Arctic setting. Penguins, baby seals and a walrus sing "Jambalaya," while Catgut fishes and catches an alligator — or vice versa. Gene watches from the wings. When the number is over, he applauds as the animals walk past him.
Gene 	I loved it. I loved it. (to the viewer, as a penguin snatches his snack) I didn't understand it, but I loved it.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit speaks through the intercom as Scooter reads his cards.
Kermit 	Okay, uh, next on stage, Prince Rudolph and his invisible cheeseburger.
 	
Prince Rudolph	Excuse me, have you seen a cheeseburger waiting in the wings?
Kermit 	Uh, no.
Prince Rudolph	Oh, good! He's on time for a change!
 	He walks to the stage with Kermit. Beauregard enters.
Scooter 	Hey, Beau!
Beauregard 	Yes?
Scooter 	You want me to tell you what you'll be doing in the future?
Beauregard 	I don't know what I'm doing now.
Scooter 	No problem. It says here in my fortune telling cards, that for you, the seven of lumps is in the ascendency with the beginning of the drowning refrigerator.
Beauregard 	What does that mean?
Scooter 	(faces the camera) It's the end of the world!
 	
 	Beau ponders what that means.
Kermit 	You guys! The invisible cheeseburger has lost his voice! There's nothing left of him but the smell of onions.
Beauregard 	It's the end of the world!
Kermit 	Well, it's not that bad. (walks to Gene)
==Dancing with Gene==
Kermit 	Uh, everything okay so far, Gene?
Gene 	Oh, Kermit, you don't know what a pleasure it is coming to a show and not having to perform.
Kermit 	Uh, yeah. And you don't know how hard it is to do a show where the guest star doesn't perform on stage.
Gene 	Oh, relax, Kermit. It isn't the end of the world.
Kermit 	Don't be too sure. Uh, but if you don't go on, I'll have to. And I can't dance my way out of worm jello.
Gene 	No problem. I used to be a dance teacher.
Kermit 	What? Wait a minute — are you offering to give me a dance lesson?
Gene 	Of course. In a few minutes, I can have your toes tapping — or, in your case, your flippers flapping.
Kermit 	(chuckles) That's terrific. Hey, tell me, Gene — uh, tell me, where would you like to, uh, give me this dance lesson?
Gene 	Oh, I don't care. Anywhere at all.
Kermit 	Uh, well, how about, uh, how about right over here? (walks to the stage)
Gene 	(follows Kermit) Right. Now Kermit, the first thing you gotta remember is stay relaxed …
 	He suddenly notices the audience applauding. The curtain raises to reveal a penthouse setting with a luggage cart and a piano. Gene gingerly goes along with it, raising his hands to silence the audience.
Gene 	Kermit. You tricked me.
Kermit 	Uh, well, just sort of a little trick.
Gene 	Well, okay then. (shrugs) Let's do it. Come on, hop up on the piano.
Kermit 	(chuckles) Okay, watch this, folks. Whoop! (he jumps onto the piano)
Gene 	Hey! (a vamp plays) Follow me!
Kermit 	Okay.
 	They start dancing to the tune of "Frère Jacques".
Gene 	One two three four.
Kermit 	One two three four.
Gene 	One two three.
Kermit 	One two three.
Gene 	La-la la-la la la.
Kermit 	La-la la-la la la.
 	
Gene 	Well, there!
Kermit 	Gee, I guess I got it.
 	They start dancing to an instrumental of "The Worry Song". Applause.
Waldorf	I wish Gene Kelly would teach me to Charleston.
Statler	I wish Gene Kelly would drive you to Charleston. (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit comes backstage, humming.
Beauregard	Oh, hello, boss. Hey, do you know, there was some guy who was sitting over there watching the show.
Kermit 	Beau, that's not some guy, that's Gene Kelly, our guest star. He's one of the great entertainers of our age.
Beauregard	Oh, good. I gave him my sponge mop.
Kermit 	(bewildered) Beau, why did you do that?
Beauregard	Well, I'm giving away all my stuff, because the world is coming to an end. (sobs and blows his nose)
Kermit 	Beau? Beau, that's silly.
Beauregard	Oh, no it isn't. I'm worried sick.
 	The cast of Veterinarian's Hospital passes by.
 	
Rowlf 	Oh, good. Come with us. We need a sick person for Vet's Hospital. (chuckles)
Beauregard	Okay.
 	He tosses his hanky away, then follows them to the stage as they pass Gene.
 	
Gene 	Oh, Beau — thanks again for the sponge mop!
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on Piggy blowing her snout on the operating table sheet. She realizes she's on camera and takes her place. Beauregard is the patient.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	So who's this patient, nurse Janice?
Janice 	It's Beau, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Bo, the one that lost the sheep?
Miss Piggy 	No, no, no, not Bo Peep. Beau the stagehand.
Rowlf 	Oh, the one who lost his marbles. (chuckles)
 	
Beauregard 	Hey, that's not nicey-nicey.
Rowlf 	Ohhh.
Miss Piggy 	No. It's not very funny-funny either.
Janice 	No, it isn't. Were you calling the patient, stupid Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Uhh — you wanna try that again?
Janice 	Were you calling the patient stupid, Dr. Bob?
Miss Piggy 	I liked the first way better. Hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Beauregard 	Me too. I just came here to tell you that the world is going to come to an end.
Janice 	Oh, no! Oh, and I had so many things I wanted to do with my life!
Rowlf 	Like what?
Janice 	Well, like frizz my hair and buy some new shoooooooes.
Miss Piggy 	Wait a minute. Beau, how do you know the world is going to end?
Beauregard 	Oh, I saw it in the cards.
Rowlf 	The cards? Then we got nothing to worry about.
Piggy & Janice	Why?
Rowlf 	He's not playing with a full deck! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Beauregard 	(sigh) There you go again, treating me like I was sub-ferior. (Rowlf snickers)
Miss Piggy 	Don't listen to him, Beau.
Beauregard 	But I can't help it. He's so close, I hear every word.
Rowlf 	Ooh. I think another card just fell out of the deck. (chuckles)
Beauregard 	Okay, but the world is going to end. And there'll be a sign. Something will happen here that's never happened before.
Janice 	You mean like if Dr. Bob actually cured a patient?
Rowlf 	(groan) Or nurse Janice kept her mouth shut? (chuckles)
Miss Piggy 	Or if we got one honest laugh?
Rowlf 	Well, if the world is waiting for that, it's gonna be a rather long time.
Miss Piggy 	(shrugs) Eh.
Rowlf 	Might as well cue the announcer!
 	They all look up.
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Beauregard 	Gee, I was sure something was going to happen.
Announcer 	Tune in next week, when you'll hear Dr. — b'waaaaah!
 	He falls from the ceiling and lands on Beau.
Announcer 	Oh. Heh. Good thing I landed on something soft.
 	They all laugh.
Janice 	Aw! Now that's funny!
 	Blackout.
==UK Spot==
 	
 	Two dogs sing "Fit as a Fiddle" to a fiddle-playing French Poodle.
Terrier	Hey now, look at that. All that and she can dance too.
 	The tempo increases, and they chase the poodle. They try to kiss her, but she ducks and they end up kissing themselves. An old dog walks away with her, and they sigh.
=="You Wonderful You"==
 	Gene stands by the stage door. Piggy runs into him.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh, there you are! Eugene!
Gene 	Oh, hi, Miss Piggy! I was just standing here getting some fresh air.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh, I thought you were grabbing a taxi.
Gene 	Oh, no. I don't want to leave. I'm having too much fun.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, good. And you're doing a wonderful job.
Gene 	Oh, I'm not doing anything.
Miss Piggy 	(awkwardly) You're doing it so well.
Gene 	(chuckles) Thank you.
Miss Piggy 	Eugene, you have sung to many beautiful women.
Gene 	Yes. Yes, I've been lucky.
Miss Piggy 	Your luck's still with ya.
Gene 	It is?
Miss Piggy 	Eugene, I am not one to beg, but … please sing to me!
Gene 	I'd be happy to.
 	She swoons as music swells up.
 	
Gene 	
I'm glad I met you,
You wonderful you.
I can't forget you,
You wonderful you.
Miss Piggy (with Gene)	
You're like a breath of spring,
(Tell me…)
A whole new thing has happened.
(…all the pretty things I wanna hear.)
And without much ado, (I can …)
I look at you and … (… see that …)
Piggy & Gene 	There stands love.
Gene (with Piggy) 	
My arms around you,
(Gee, but I'd always like to hang around.)
That's wonderful too.
(Feel like my feet will never touch the ground.)
So glad I found you,
(Oh what a lucky day the day I found…)
Piggy & Gene 	You wonderful you …
Gene 	Remember …
Gonzo 	Miss Piggy, you've gotta change for Pigs in Space!
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Oh, oh, oh, Gene, I'm so sorry, um, I must go! Ta! (dashes off)
Gene 	But we haven't finished our song!
Gonzo 	That's okay. You can sing it to me. (throws himself into Gene's arms) What's it called?
Gene 	"You Wonderful You".
Gonzo 	Perfect. (bats his eyelids)
Gene 	I don't think it'll be the same … 
Remember, finders keepers …
Gonzo 	Losers weepers.
 	
Gene & Gonzo 	
And because it's true,
You're mine now,
You wonderful you.
 	Applause.
==Pigs in Space / Muppet Newsflash==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	Open on our heroes, fretting.
Announcer 	When we last left our heroes, Captain Hogthrob was about to speak.
Link Hogthrob 	(looks up) I wonder how that announcer is. He fell down in Vet's Hospital, you know.
Announcer 	Actually, I sprained my ankle.
 	Link and Piggy look up.
Link Hogthrob 	(to announcer) Well, take my advice and get your mommy to kiss it.
Miss Piggy 	(to Link) Can we get on with this sketch?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yeah, yeah, good idea. Captain Hogthrob, the navigational computer just gave us a very startling news!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh? What's that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	See that white glow approaching in the distance?
Link Hogthrob 	… Yeah.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	That glow is the end of the universe!
Link & Piggy 	(gasp)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	And furthermore, according to the computer, when we reach the end of the universe, we will be given the meaning and purpose of life.
Link & Piggy 	(gasp)
Miss Piggy 	We will be given the meaning and purpose of life?
Link Hogthrob 	I just love presents.
Miss Piggy 	Uh — when do we get there?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	In exactly one minute from … now!
 	
 	A countdown clock appears and starts going down from 1:00. At :50, an alarm sounds, startling Link and Piggy.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, it's okay, it's okay, it's just the dinner gong.
Link & Piggy 	(sigh of relief)
Link Hogthrob 	That means I'm going to miss the meaning and purpose of life.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	But Link! Can't you just skip dinner?
Link Hogthrob 	What? Why, we're having swill stroganoff!
 	He departs. Piggy looks at the clock, which reaches :29.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(sigh) The meaning … and purpose of life.
Miss Piggy 	(sigh) Swill stroganoff. (smacks lips)
 	As the clock reaches :11, Piggy and Strangepork rush to follow Link.
Miss Piggy 	Wait for me!
 	She briefly comes back to address the viewer.
Miss Piggy 	You wait for the meaning and purpose of life!
 	:05 … :04 … :03 … :02 …
 	Transition to the news desk.
 	
Newsman 	And now, a Muppet newsflash, probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced. The full text of the announcement is as follows. (looks at the paper) … Oh, that's … (tosses the paper and shuffles through more papers) … wrong line. Uh, just a second. I had it here a minute ago. Where is it? The meaning and purpose of … (aside) How can I keep track of things when you're always straightening up my desk?!
 	Transition back to the Swinetrek. The white glow has overtaken the window. The crew relaxes and enjoys a cup.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(sigh) So, here we are at the end of the universe.
Link Hogthrob 	Is there any more coffee?
Miss Piggy 	(sigh) Too bad we all missed the meaning and purpose of life.
Announcer 	Not all of us missed it.
 	They all look up and beg.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Tell us! Tell us!
Miss Piggy 	Tell us, tell us! What is it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Please, please!
Announcer 	(taunting) I know something you don't know!
Miss Piggy 	Yeah? Well, I know something you don't know, too!
 	She pulls a lever, and the announcer falls from the ceiling and lands on the dashboard.
 	
Announcer 	So much for Pigs … in … Space. (faints)
==Backstage / "Cool Water"==
 	
Slim Wilson	Aww…
Jug player 	Aw, come on, Kermit, let us on next!
Kermit 	I'm sorry, guys, I've got a full show. I cannot use a jug band number tonight.
Zeke 	Aw, man, it's unfair!
 	They all walk away.
Slim Wilson	Aw, come on, Zeke, it ain't the end of the world.
Beauregard 	Yes, it is! The universe ended in Pigs in Space, and the world must be next! (exits)
Kermit 	It's just a sketch, Beau.
Scooter 	Hey Kermit, the set's on stage and ready to go!
Kermit 	Oh, let me see!
Scooter 	Yeah. It looks just like the set from the movie, doesn't it?
Kermit 	Wow. An exact duplicate.
Scooter 	Is Gene excited about doing "Singing in the Rain" on the show?
Kermit 	Well, he doesn't know about it yet.
 	
Gene 	Uh, what don't I know about yet, Kermit?
Kermit 	Oh, it was our surprise closing number, Gene.
Gene 	Well, I hope it's not for me. I don't want to do anything more. I just came here to enjoy myself, sit down and relax.
Kermit 	Not even something like, uh, oh, "Singing in the Rain", possibly?
Gene 	Especially not that number. You know, I — I've done that number so much, people are tired of it.
Scooter 	But Gene, that's exactly wh—
Kermit 	That's exactly what we thought. "Gene's not gonna want to do 'Singing in the Rain'," we said. Didn't we, Scooter?
Scooter 	Uh, yeah, that's what we said, I guess. Maybe I wasn't listening to us.
Kermit 	Uh — uh, listen, Scooter, since the jug band set is on stage right now — we have a jug band on the show, Gene.
Gene 	A jug band.
Kermit 	Yeah, — why don't you go tell the jug band that their number is next?
Scooter 	Oh, right! Yeah! Right! I'll tell the jug band. Oh, they'll sure be pleased with their set. (runs off)
Kermit 	Uh, uh, uh, Gene, I just have one quick introduction to make.
Gene 	Good. I'll just go over here and sit down and relax, okay?
 	Kermit whimpers, then goes on stage.
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, welcome if you will, that Texas jug band extraordinaire, Lubbock Lou and his Jug Huggers. Yaaaay.
 	
 	Open on the jug band, singing in the rain with umbrellas.
Lubbock Lou	
All day I've faced the barren waste
Without the taste of water.
Jug Huggers	Cool water. (Water).
Lubbock Lou	
Old Dan and I with throats burned dry,
And souls that cry for water.
 	Gene watches from the wings, and laughs out loud.
Jug player 	Cool, clear … (gargling) water.
 	Applause. The band looks sad.
==Gene Kelly medley==
Gene 	Kermit, you were really hoping that I'd do "Singing in the Rain", right?
Kermit 	(stammers) Oh, no, no, absolutely not. The thought never crossed my mind. Or to put it another way, yes.
Gene 	I guessed. Well, I understand. I mean, it's a great song. But after I did it in the movie, Kermit, I used to do it all the time. I'd do it at the drop of a hat.
 	Rowlf gets their attention with his piano, then drops a hat.
Gene 	But no more. You see, I finally realized that I'd never be able to do it better than we did it in the movie.
 	Rowlf plays the familiar opening vamp in the key of E♭ major.
Gene 	(cont'd) So that's why I never sing it anymore.
 	
Rowlf 	Yeah, but Gene, doesn't this vamp I'm playing kinda make you feel like singin'?
Gene 	Yeah, that vamp does.
 	The Muppets gather around as he sings.
Gene 	
 'S wonderful,
 'S marvelous,
You should care for me.
 'S awful nice …
Scooter 	'S awful nice …
Gene 	'S paradise …
Scooter 	'S paradise …
Gene & Scooter	'S what I love to see.
Rowlf 	No, no. Not that song. This song.
 	He plays the vamp again in E♭ major.
Gene 	Oh, that song. I know that one. Sure.
You were meant for me.
Miss Piggy 	(swoons) I was meant for vous, Geney.
Rowlf 	Hey guys, no no no. Just listen to the vamp now.
 	He plays the vamp again, this time in E major.
Gene 	The bells are ringing for me and my gal.
 	
Gene & Muppets	The birds are singing for me and my gal.
Rowlf 	Hey, wait a minute, I give up, Gene. This vamp goes with too many songs.
Gene 	It sure does. And you know something? It even goes with this one too.
 	Rowlf plays the vamp in E major, then slowly plays along with Gene.
Gene 	I'm singin' … in the rain.
 	Applause. The Muppets hang on to Gene's every word.
Gene 	
Just singin' … in the rain.
What a glorious feeling. I'm happy again.
I'll walk down the lane, with a happy refrain,
Just singin' … and dancin' … in the rain.
 	He picks up an umbrella, and walks to the set. He notices it's not raining, glances at the audience, closes his umbrella and walks away. More applause.
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, and so we come to the end of another one. But before we go, let us bring back the man who's made this evening so very special for all of us. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gene Kelly! Yaaaay!
 	Applause.
Gene 	Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.
Beauregard	How can you say that? The world is coming to an end!
Gene 	(picks up a book) You know, Beauregard, I have been reading the instruction manual of those fortune-telling cards. Scooter made a mistake.
Beauregard	Oh?
Gene 	Yes, it says here, "When the seven of lumps is in the ascendency with the beginning of the drowning refrigerator, it doesn't mean the world is ending. It means your laundry will come back gray and dingy."
 	
Beauregard	You're trying to make me feel better. But I know, the end is near!
Kermit 	Uh, no, the end is now. (to the audience) We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around Gene as the credits roll.
Statler 	Are you ready for the end of the world?
Waldorf 	Sure! It couldn't be worse than this show!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts