Mr Gum and the Goblins

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Mr Gum and the Goblins is the third book of the Mr Gum series. It opens by Friday O'Leary, Polly, and Alan Taylor seeing Mrs Lovely coming back from somewhere all ruffed up. They take her to the Talk of the Devil Tavern. They stay in a small room, and she tells them how she was attacked by small creatures on Goblin Mountain. Friday O'Leary thinks it was badgers, but Alan Taylor says it was goblins. Then we cut to Goblin Mountain, where goblins run amok and only held in check by the Goblin King, and Burger Wizard. The Goblin King hears a report from Captain Ankles about "duffing" up Mrs Lovely, and instructs them to continue their digging. Then back to Lamonic Bibber, where Jonathan Ripples comes dangerously close to discovering Martin Laundrette's Ripple-izer 2000. On the other side of town, the Stone Table is described, and Polly, Friday O'Leary, and Alan Taylor are having a solemn conference. Friday O'Leary explains about a dream he had that told him he must go on a quest to sort out the goblins. He chooses Polly to go with him, after a short practical joke in which he pretended to choose a fake dwarf, Yellowbeard. Alan Taylor decides to stay to look after Mrs Lovely, and the trio prepare for their quest. The two adventurers set off, and arrive at Goblin Mountain in the middle of a blizzard. They meet the Spirit of the Rainbow, and Friday O'Leary realises it was the Spirit who sent him the dream. The Spirit gives them the Horn of Q'zaal Q'zaal (which will summon him when they are in need) and the Fruit Chew of Babylon. He then leaves, and we cut to the Goblin King, who is watching them through a stolen telescope from Goblin Cave. He sniggers as he thinks about the Three Impossible Challenges that the two will have to face on their ascent up the mountain. Challenge One is a troll, who asks them to guess his name in a letter. If they guess wrong, he eats them. He signs the letter, "Arthur the Troll" and Polly guesses that that is his name. Arthur grumbles and lumbers off to the gym. Challenge Two is a witch, who tries to get in range to do spells, but she moves slower than 1 centimeter a minute, so the two eat, play backgammon, do a jigsaw, and continue on their way. The witch follows, but she is so slow they easily outrun her. Challenge Three is a thing that looks like a gherkin, who Friday O'Leary steps on, and they continue up the mountain. Then back to the cave, where the Goblin King orders Captain Ankles to take Oink Balloon, Wippy, Livermonk, Big Steve, Funk-Whistle, Soupdog, Jingles, and Yak Triangle to go and capture them. Back to Polly and Friday O'Leary, who are sitting under the stars eating omelettes cooked by a rabbit when the goblins attack. Polly saves the rabbit, but puts herself in danger. Friday reaches for his sword, the Lord Champion, but realises he has left it at home. The goblins capture the two adventurers and carry them away to the Goblin King, who Polly soon realises is of course Mr Gum. Mr Gum looks at the two prisoners, and sneers at them. But Friday O'Leary snatches up the Horn of Q'zaal Q'zaal and blows on it. The noise sweeps through the town, but the Spirit does not come. Mr Gum laughs, and tells them and the goblins his plan to take over Lamonic Bibber using the goblins. They have been digging for an unspecified time and Mr Gum tells them that the tunnel goes right through the mountain and comes out in Lamonic Bibber. Because the townsfolk won't be expecting the attack, Mr Gum and Billy William the Third (who was the Burger Wizard) along with the goblins will be able to do whatever they want. Then Billy William the Third begins to throw burgers at them. They step back and fall down an abandoned well. Mr Gum and Billy William the Third leave Friday O'Leary and Polly and sing the Tunnel Song. Polly and Friday O'Leary are trying to get out of the well, when the rabbit that Polly saved burrows into the well as compensation for Polly saving it earlier. They follow the rabbit down the burrow and go out into the moonlight. The rabbit hops away, and Jake the Dog arrives with the Spirit of the Rainbow and a Christmas tree riding on his back. The Spirit claims he did not come earlier because his train was delayed and then his taxi broke down. Polly and Friday O'Leary get on Jake the Dog and ride away, spotting Mrs Lovely inside the Christmas tree. They ride back to Boaster's Hill, and the goblins burst out, scattering litter and dirt everywhere. Polly, Friday O'Leary, Jake the Dog, Mrs Lovely, Alan Taylor, and the Spirit of the Rainbow accost them. Polly grabs Mr Gum's emerald, which was the reason the goblins were following him, and runs away. The goblins chase her. Meanwhile, Jonathan Ripples finds a mince pie on his doorstep. He eats it, and then sees another. He eats that, and sees a whole trail of mince pies. He follows them all the way to Martin Laundrette's Ripple-izer 2000. Then Polly comes up, the goblin army following her. She throws the emerald in the doorway of the Ripple-izer 2000, which is a washing machine that Martin Laundrette wanted to put Jonathan Ripples in. All the goblins pile in, and Polly and Jonathan Ripples slam the door. Polly shoves the Fruit Chew of Babylon into the powder hatch, and the machine turns on. The goblins shoot from the chute and land on the floor as children. They explain how they didn't want to do the school play they were in, so they ran away and turned to savages. Then Mr Gum and Billy William spotted them and made them do what they said with the emerald. Alan Taylor asks them if they would like to go to his school instead of the school they go to, which is Doctor No-Fun's School of Boredom. Mr Gum and Billy William escape due to a mistake from Friday O'Leary, Jonathan Ripples sits on Martin Laundrette, and everyone parties.