A Dog, a Mousse and a Bat/Transcript

This is the transcript for A Dog, a Mousse and a Bat, which aired on December 9, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 I'm gonna send this selfie to a gentleman friend.
What do you think? Wow.
That's Wow.
Kudos to your plastic surgeon.
It's a team, actually, but they're all great.
Who's your gentleman friend? - Spencer.
- I thought you guys had a fight.
He's an ignorant buffoon, and I want him to see what he's missing.
Are you sure you should be sending a photo that Good morning.
Yeah, it is.
Hey, he's not bothering you, is he? We've been married so long, I put up with him.
At least when I get my belly rubbed, I say thank you.
How-how do you zoom in? Oh, you just pinch and flick.
Thank you.
I, uh, - I have a favor to ask.
- Oh, sure.
What's up? Me and Meredith are celebrating our anniversary.
It's 55 years.
- Oh, wow, that is amazing.
- Yeah.
My record is three years, but the guy was in a coma for half of it.
You're joking, right? Boy, I wish.
So, your anniversary? Yes.
Meredith always wanted to go to Paris, but we never did, so I thought maybe we could do a nice, fancy French dinner tomorrow.
Aw.
That is so sweet.
I could have Bert plan a special menu, and I could sing a French song for you guys.
Like Oh, la, la, la vie amor I didn't know you could sing.
I can dance, too.
Yeah.
Jazz hands.
Is it, is it, is it too much? Okay.
Great.
- Hey, Bert.
- Hey, boss.
Um, you think that you could cook a fancy French dinner for Harry and Meredith? Can Steve Harrison do 22 one-arm push-ups? Who's Steve Harrison? My buddy.
Guy's an animal.
Of course, it's easier for him.
He's only got the one arm.
Um, Bert, this is really important.
Meredith is very sick, and this could be the last anniversary dinner they have.
Uh, okay.
- No worries.
I got this.
- You sure? Gina, have I ever let you down? Many times.
All right, let me put this a different way, do you believe in me? Eh Thank you.
I'll make my specialty, escargot.
Great.
Ramon, go out to the garden, see if you can rustle up some snails.
Hey, Mr.
Nomad, how's your trip going? Great, just great.
The freedom of the open road is truly exhilarating.
Aw, I'm so glad.
How many miles have you racked up so far? Mm, let's see.
12.
Yeah, might stop for a breakfast burrito, might not.
Road warriors don't make plans.
Although, I do have a ticket to visit Mount Vernon Thursday at 4:00.
Oh, I'm happy for you.
Just do me a favor, text me your location every few hours, you know, to help with the search.
Ha, ha.
So, how are things going over there, good buddy? Trucker lingo.
Oh, come in.
We need to talk about my surgery tomorrow.
Drew, I got to run, but you be careful out there.
10-4.
Breaker, breaker, good buddy.
Keep an eye out for Smokey.
So, tomorrow, I have to be at the hospital 9:00 a.
m.
, I know.
It's in my calendar.
You're the reason I'm doing this.
And you remember that when you're able to run and play with the other children.
I saw a hip replacement surgery on YouTube.
They pretty much hang you from the ceiling.
If you're trying to make me jealous, it's working.
Cute.
I'm gonna need a health care proxy to make my decisions, just in case.
I want it to be you.
Wouldn't your daughter be a better choice? In a perfect world, yes.
In this world, she's in a poker tournament at an Indian casino outside of Bakersfield.
I'm sorry.
You've been more of a daughter to me anyway.
Thank you.
Hey.
Don't worry about a thing.
I will be the first person you see when you wake up.
Unless I don't wake up.
You're gonna wake up.
Don't tell me what to do.
Hello, Instagram followers.
Welcome to all 42 of you.
This is night one of my new travel vlog "Near and Far with Drew Dunbar.
" Ah, you hear that? It's as if nature is right here in the van with me.
Wait, is something here in the van with me? See down here Aw.
Aw, look at that.
It I think it's a baby bird.
Oh, hey there, little fella.
Oh! Oh, God, it's a bat! It's a bat! It's on me, it's on me! Oh, it's gonna fly in my mouth! - Are you okay? - What? Are you okay? Yeah.
No, I'm good.
Uh There was a bat.
Big one.
Two, three-footer.
Basically a vicious flying rat.
I didn't see anything.
'Cause I scared it off.
So, you're safe now.
I'm Drew.
Hannah.
- Yeah, nice to meet you, Hannah.
- Yeah, you, too.
I'm in the Econoline by the bathrooms if you have any more trouble.
Okay.
Thanks.
You know what, actually I was thinking about having a little bit of a nightcap.
Perhaps a White Russian with almond milk? How about tequila? Mm, gives me acid reflux, but, uh, what the heck, I have a whole roll of Tums.
#VanLife.
It's what we say.
It's open.
Okay, Cannoli, it's time to go potty.
Potty? This thing leaves behind a hot brick.
Harry, why don't you take him? It's cold outside.
Give me the leash.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Please, God, make it just be number one.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
All right, what's going on? I have something for you.
It's in the drawer.
Oh, yay.
A Bible.
And in large print.
There's a box in there.
Oh.
- What is this? - Just open it.
Oh, Meredith.
Oh, my goodness, it's beautiful.
It was my mother's.
I want you to have it.
No, I-I can't.
Yes, you can.
You have been so good to me and to Harry.
Meredith, oh, I love this, but But what? You want to wait until I'm gone so I can't get to see that look on your face? Thank you.
Do me a favor, don't tell Harry.
Why not? He thinks I'm gonna live forever.
Also, don't tell Gabby.
The last thing I need is her fishing around for earrings.
Smooth.
Yes.
Goes down nice and easy.
Oh, good, more.
So, that's a pretty sweet ride you got there.
Oh.
Yes.
Thank you.
I got a big thumbs up at the Wendy's drive-through.
They were very cool about me knocking down their sign.
You crack me up.
Right.
Yeah, it's just being funny.
Definitely not something that happened.
So How long you been living the van life? A few years.
You? Oh, going on four Mm Five hours now.
So, where you headed to next? - I'm thinking Pennsylvania.
- I think you mean "Pennsyl-van-yeah.
" Not drunk enough to laugh at that one.
Let me top that off for you.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
You know, I'm starting to feel like this trip was the right choice.
To living in the here and now.
Hm.
And making connections along the way.
Yup.
Right choice.
You want to give me a tour of your van? Ah Yes.
- Morning, everybody.
- Morning, Gina.
Anybody seen Bert? Try the Hidey Hole.
I'm sorry, the what? The bar by the bus station.
It's 8:00 in the morning.
No clocks in the Hidey Hole.
Gabby, I need you to take Norma to her surgery.
- Why? - I got to go find Bert or this anniversary dinner is screwed.
I meant why me? Yeah, why her? Norma, I'm so sorry, but I have got an emergency.
- I'm an emergency.
- I know.
You promised you'd be there.
And I will be, the moment you wake up.
So, I have to go through this alone? You have nothing to worry about.
Gabby's gonna take good care of you.
Look me in the eye and say that.
I'll get there, I promise.
Hannah? Hannah? Hannah.
Set me up again, Stewie.
Ugh.
Bert.
How'd you find me? - Ramon.
- Who's that? He works for you.
I don't think so.
Talk to me, Bert.
What is going on? I can't do it.
I can't make the fancy French meal.
Sure you can.
You have to.
You don't think I tried? I was in that kitchen at the crack of dawn, dicing onions, clarifying butter.
Ask Ramon.
He was there.
Come back, please.
I will help you.
You can't help me.
No one can help me.
- I'm a loser.
- Stop it.
- You are a terrific chef.
- No, I'm not.
Bert, I see greatness in you.
I have to squint, but I can see it.
When I squint, I only see my eyelashes.
Stop talking, and just listen to me.
The last couple of weeks, the food has gotten so much better, and do you know what that tells me? What? That you can do anything you put your mind to.
Why do you keep believing in me? Because everybody deserves a One, two, three, four Fifth chance.
Thank you.
Stewie, I'm gonna need a cup of coffee and a cigarette dipped in crystal meth.
Coming at you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just the coffee, Stewie.
Why can't we eat in our own room? I'm tired.
Another time.
We need to be more social.
You, social? When did that start? What is this? Well, you always wanted to go to Paris.
Well, tonight, we're in the City of Lights.
Oh, my God.
This is Thank you.
Madame, Monsieur.
Le pooch.
S'il vous plaÃ®t.
I'm guessing you had a hand in this.
Oh, it was all this guy.
Ah, well Congrats on 55 years.
- Thank you.
- Mm.
I'm sorry I can't stay.
I have to get to the hospital for Norma, but have the best time.
Hang on.
Thank you.
Oh.
Wow.
I helped, too.
Come here.
Enjoy.
Here we go.
What happened to you? I hit rock bottom.
Anyway, your appetizer is a salmon mousse.
That's mousse with a U, not the Bullwinkle kind.
Looks delicious.
Your entree is a coq au vin, which is a chicken marinated in wine, kind of like me.
Where did you order from? I made it myself.
Go ahead, take a bite.
It's delicious.
- It is? - Yeah.
Ramon, we did it! - For real, you made this? - Yeah.
I actually went to culinary school.
Then I met a special lady who took my career in a different direction.
Her name was cocaine.
You're ruining the moment.
That's kind of my thing.
Bon appÃ©tit.
Oh, I got you something.
Ah.
I finally went through that that box of old photos, yeah, and put it together.
Oh, Harry.
- Yeah.
- Oh, this It's incredible.
Yeah.
- It's our whole life.
- Yeah.
Look at this.
My cowboy hat phase.
- Remember when you lost that hat? - Oh, yeah.
You didn't lose it.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah.
- Our wedding.
- Yeah.
We were so young.
Yeah, that's the day we brought Beth home from the hospital.
- Look how tiny she was.
- Yeah.
We've had such a wonderful life together.
I'm so lucky I found you.
No.
I'm the lucky one.
Move it, asshat! No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no! Is something wrong, officer? Do you know how fast you were driving? Honestly, no.
I'm on my way to the hospital.
A friend of mine is in surgery and I have to get there.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but you She's more of a mother, really.
A tiny, frail, very, very old mother, whose favorite show is is Blue Bloods.
All right, I'll let you off with a warning this time.
Let me just run your license.
Thank you.
Still got it, baby.
How was the anniversary dinner? Well, it took me 55 years, but I think I finally pulled off a good one.
Oh, that's great.
You know, one year, my ex-wife and I Not your night, Jerry.
What the hell? Meredith! Oh, my God.
Is everything okay? Call 911.
Welcome to night two of "Near and Far With Drew Dunbar.
" If it feels like I'm a little down, it's 'cause I am.
Took one in the tighty-whities last night.
Yup.
Fell for the oldest con in the world, pretty girl who gets you drunk and then doesn't make fun of you for crying when you're done.
- Hello? - Hey, it's me.
Oh, hey.
Man, you are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
Meredith's in the hospital.
What? What happened? I don't know the details, but it doesn't look good.
How's Harry? I haven't talked to him yet.
You're not at the hospital? I'm in jail.
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 2 Transcripts