2018 Power Rankings-Week 5

== Introduction ==
I'm more behind than usual this week so fuck it, let's go!
== If You're Not First You're last...Unless you're 2nd-9th. ==
Last week we highlighted first place and how many people have been able to sit atop the standings. Papa, notably, had never been in first. That all changed this week, when he claimed the top spot for the first time in franchise history.
On the other end, what about the number of weeks teams have spent in last place? Let's take a look...
Most Weeks in Last Place Place
Team Name 	Weeks in Last Place
Paddock 9 	16
Papa's Posse 	15
Garoppoblow me 	11
ma ma momma said 	11
Sweet Dee 	9
Pain Train WOO WOO 	7
Why am I doing this 	6
JarJar Stinks! 	5
RIPDab 	5
GregCincoDos 	5
WhatCanBrownsDo4You?	3
Bell of Da Ball 	1
IAMGROOT 	1
Incredible that GBM has spent a combined 29 weeks in either first or last place. Momma has spent the same number of weeks in first (11) as in last (11). Paddock 9, meanwhile, is the king of last place, with an amazing 16 weeks at the bottom.
== Survivor ==
It's just me and one other person who is still unidentified. Hopefully I win so I don't need to worry about tracking down this mystery person.
== Stat Chat ==
* For the first time in LOC history, all ten teams broke 200 points in the same week. This is insane, especially when you consider that I actually decreased point totals for the defensive position this off-season. It speaks to the league’s uptick in offense. The closest we ever came was in 2013, when 9 of 10 teams broke 200 in week four.
* Sweet Dee posted the 5th-highest score by a losing team of all time.
* RIPDab becomes just the third team to reach 60 combined wins.
* GBM becomes just the third team to reach 60 combined losses.
* Momma becomes the fifth team to reach 50 regular season wins.
* Papa becomes the 10th team to spend a week in first place during the season. Paddock 9 is the only active member of the original 2011 teams to not have ever been in first place.
* Shotti becomes the first team to score over 200 points in 80 games.
* Sweet Dee becomes the 7th team to reach 50 combined losses. They do so in a record-smashing 78 games.
== My Book ==
By now you know that my book is coming out next week (tomorrow actually). I was just waiting out these Kavanaugh hearings. Last time I dropped a book it was the same day Brady’s suspension was announced and it got buried beneath a mound of angry Facebook statuses.
I don’t ask much of you guys. Mostly just let me win at fantasy, don’t annoy me in the thread, and don't roll your eyes every time I say "I don't ask much of you guys." But it would really mean a lot if you could support the book by telling people about it or even buying a copy. The Amazon copies are going to be $15, a little more than I wanted to sell it for but it’s the cheapest option for them to be able to produce the book and take their hefty cut.
No pressure to buy the book, but I spent so much time writing it that I literally cried in public the day I finished. Shoutout to men with emotions. So ya know...no pressure though.
== Trade Talk ==
Earlier this week Commish had yet another hissy fit in what is becoming a weekly barrage of hissy fits regarding high profile trades. In the ultimate ironic twist, GBM then turned around and completed a high profile trade, and people threw hissy fits.
Pain Train added another train car to his growing snake of questionable personnel moves, this time acquiring Jordan Howard for Amari Cooper. Okay, Derrick Henry was also involved in that trade, which is like saying “Oh yeah, Gary Johnson was also involved in the 2016 election.” In other words no one gives a shit. Henry is about as useful on a fantasy roster as Shotti’s Dad, also named Henry. Although I’ve seen Shotti’s dad go on marathon-length jogs before breakfast and I have to say, he’s high on my waiver wire rankings.
Did I think that the trade was unfair? I don’t know, is it unfair that Ash Ketchum keeps all his Pokemon cooped up in those little balls?
And then there was the Ingram/Kupp trade. A gorgeous trade that gave GBM and RIP back their coveted guys from last season. Obviously, certain people took note of the traded picks and had a mental breakdown because the 6th round is the “free agent” keeper round and the 15th is the Michael Thomas round.
I’m not going to harp on this (said the Commish totally about to harp on something), but we fucking vote on everything in this league. We all know the keeper rules and as far as I remember we all wanted keepers in the first place. Now I have people saying “we should maybe only have a keeper for one year.” Is this the same group of people who were all in on a test-out DYNASTY league?
So what’s the real issue here? That I know how to work my trades to benefit me in the present and the future? That I draft gems in the late rounds and have two disgustingly good keepers? Because I’m also the guy who took Jordy Nelson 1st in 2017 and Gronk in the 1st in 2016 (the year he finished with less receptions than he already has in 2018). I play to my strengths just like everyone else.
Also (totally still not harping), I think there is an added tension in the thread this year because the entire planet has traveled roughly 371.84 million miles since someone other than Shotti has won a championship. Got everyone a little stir crazy. Also, we can’t forget the Butt Curse. Tension is as high as in 2012, Butt’s last season in the LOC. We might need to make a blood sacrifice. Shotti, I’m going to need you to lose to Butt this week; that should cure both issues.
MOVING ON.
== Power Rankings ==
=== 1(1). The Shotti Bunch (2-2) ===
The annual September beatdown by RIPDab is out of the way. Now Shotti can focus on going 7-2 the rest of the way and dominating Dab in their next two matchups: the remaining regular season bout and the eventual semifinals slaughter that we all know in our heart of hearts is coming. I will say, benching Cohen for Jordy Nelson was a very mortal non-Shotti move. Shotti favors the backs, so what’s with this new WR-heavy Shotti that we’re all witnessing? Is Shotti done? No. He’s not. I already told you. 7-2 and a semi-finals win against Dab. Book it.
=== 2(2). Garoppoblow Me (2-2) ===
This season is so fucking weird, man. GBM is the league’s highest scoring team but has struggled in every matchup, excluding week one’s blowout. They are one Fitzmagic TD away from 1-3 and 9th place, but also 1 TD from Russ Wilson in week two away from being 3-1 and first place. What is this team? Is it good? Is it bad? Did I tell you guys about my book? For the love of God, please buy a copy.
=== 3(4). RIPDab (2-2) ===
He’s lurking. The RIPKid. Of all the teams who are better than their records indicate, RIPDab is...well, behind Zach, Butt, and Commish on that list. I really like what they’re doing with the place, though. I don’t think their WR’s are as high-powered as they’d hoped, but they stumbled into other gems along the way. Carlos Hyde keeps hitting his ceiling and Trey Burton has been a pleasant surprise in a TE-drought year. Oh yeah, and they get Ingram and Edelman back this week.
=== 4(5). Papa's Posse (3-1) ===
I feel like Kavanaugh when he says “I believe that she believes I assaulted her.” I believe that Papa believes he made a good trade. But when you’re 3-1 and outscoring almost everyone in the LOC, why was a trade even necessary? Well, maybe he’s playing chess while we all play fantasy football. That could be an issue. OR...Or, maybe he knew that Howard was on the bye this week, so he traded him to Pain Train right before their week five matchup to try and get a leg up. Next level thinking to snake that 4th win. Big time strategy here.
=== 5(6). Sweet Dee (2-2) ===
Good night, Sweet Dee. She drops her second straight and is in danger of going into full October Dee-Mode if she loses to GBM. The good news for her is that GBM is also on the brink of disaster with injuries at running back, their WR2 on the bye, and a QB controversy. Dee is in an almost identical boat, with Luck on a short week (ended up playing great) and young Royce still a semi-question mark in the flex at RB. No one should want Dee to lose this game. Hell, if I were 4-0, I’d throw this game just to keep her above .500. But I’m 2-2 and feeling like death so I have to bring it.
=== 6(8). Pain Train WOO WOO (3-1) ===
I mean, my eyeballs are telling me this team is bad. They’re telling me that he has gotten favorable matchups, that he’s gotten lucky, that he’s snaked his way to 3-1. But I don’t know anymore. His team is shedding skins faster than a python. I think it’s a new team now. Like, is anyone still on the roster from draft day? So now I’m not sure of anything anymore. Big time 3-1 vs. 3-1 this week with Papa.
=== 7(9). Paddock 9 (2-2) ===
The early favorite to win the Inaugural Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Heckle award. That’s my new name for a team that pulls a Jeckyl and Carlos Hyde and scores 250 one week and 150 the next for the entire season. Pat got a chance to be Mr. Heckle this week, trash-talking his way to a W against the league’s first place team. Which only means he’s bound to turn back into lowly Jeckyll against RIPDab.
=== 8(10). ma ma momma said (2-2) ===
What the actual fuck? Shit, momma might compete for the Jeckyll and Heckle award this season, too. I texted him gameday morning and basically told him it was a must-win game today if he wanted to come out of the week with even a shred of respect. He went and murked ‘em. Sheeeeet. How did this even happen? Correct me if I’m wrong, but was Kittle heavily-targeted with Beathard last season, too? If so, this could be the Kittle show, folks. And Zeke Elliot is turning into the WR Dallas needs him to be. Up next: the struggling Browns.
=== 9(3). WhatCanBrownsDo4You? (1-3) ===
Last place, last place. Bad bitch contest, you in last place. There is good news for Brown though. In each of the last three weeks, the last place team has won and the first place team has lost. So look for Zach to get that much needed rebound dick against momma.
=== 10 (7). Bell of Da Ball (1-3) ===
we know now that Bell is coming back in week 7 (the bye) and will probably play in week 8. So what does Bell need to do in order to still be in this thing by week 8? I'd say at least two of the next three need to be wins. Anything less than 3-4 might be a difficult Tyreek Hill to climb. I really want the best for Butt, so if he could beat Shotti that would be great and not only because everyone is rooting against Shotti (We toootttally support you, man).
==
Matchup of the Week ==
Crazy good fights this week. Bell and Shotti coming off L's, the two 3-1 teams going at it, and of course we have Paddock 9 and RIPDab. I am going with Pain Train and Papa for matchups of the week. Papa, the league's good guy, vs. the league's newest super villain. Will all these trades for PT bring him to 4-1, or will they collapse from the weight of all the bull shit?
== Next Week... ==
Better rankings for sure (not for sure).