Pilots, Rivers, and Bad Kanye West Jokes/Script

Nice Peter: Hello everyone, this is Nice Peter. And welcome to the Monday Show!
EpicLLOYD: God dammit, Peter. You had ONE job. One frickin’ job and you blew it.
Nice Peter: But…I thought this was…oh…
*cough*
Hello, I’m Nice Peter and this is Total. Drama. ERB!
EpicLLOYD: Where we take 12 losers and 12 winners, and have them fight to the death…or close enough to it.
Nice Peter: And the best part is, we can’t be sued!
EpicLLOYD: So this shit is gonna be intense!
Nice Peter: Shall we introduce our competitors?
EpicLLOYD: Indeed.
For team Massive Failures, we have… Leonidas, Miley Cyrus, Adam, Michael Jordan, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Blackbeard, Muhammad Ali, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Edgar Allen Poe, Marilyn Monroe, and Mr. T!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I am but an enigma.
Mr. T: What the hell does that mean?
EpicLLOYD: Hey you two, shut up! I’m not done!
Edgar Allan Poe: As I stood upon a line, three men bickered as a waste of time!
EpicLLOYD: I said no talking!
Adam: I believe you only told Mr. T and Tyson to shut up.
EpicLLOYD: Moving on…
For team Epic Winners, we have…
Leonidas: Wait, so they get the title ‘Epic Winners’, and we have ‘Massive Failures’? How the fuck is this fair?
EpicLLOYD: For fuck’s sake, let me finish!
We got, on Team Epic Winners; Master Chief, Darth Vader, Adolf Hitler, Sarah Palin, Al Capone, Cleopatra, Eve, Joan of Arc, William Wallace, Bob Ross, Goku and Kanye West!
Kanye West: Yo dawg, Imma let you finish, but.-
EpicLLOYD: I’m done.
Kanye West: Oh…well…uh…
Edgar Allan Poe: I think our troubled friend has broke, for on selecting his words word’s he’s choked!
Kanye West: You’re broke, you little piece of shit!
William Wallace: If this was a war, ye’d be at the wrong end of a cannon by now, ya blokes!
EpicLLOYD: Now, onto today’s challenge. Watsky, remind me. Thank you, kindly.
*Scene cuts to Watsky, out on the dock*
George Watsky: Well, Lloyd, today’s challenge is what I like to call “When piss comes to love”. Because today, our contestants have to design their own outho-wait, shit. Wrong show.
Today’s challenge is what I like to call “Crossing the Delaware”. Heh. Why? Because my homeboy George Washington brought his whole fucking army and shit’s gonna go down. Each team must cross a river, centered at the middle of the island, and get to the other side.
Leonidas: Easy peasy.
George Watsky: Oh contraire, my comrade. To make this tough, we set up George and his crew in towers on the opposite side of said river, with sniper rifles filled with tranquilizer darts. And if the tranqs don’t manage to wipe you out, the strong river current surely will. Expect a lot of drowning, swimming and sleeping in your future. That is all, Watsky out. Peace!
EpicLLOYD: You guys have five minutes to get to the river. Move it!
*The teams run to the river, all arriving at once, except for Neil deGrasse Tyson, who has mysteriously vanished.*
Mr. T: Where did that fool go?
Leonidas: We have no time to worry. If we lose, we’re voting him off first, simple as that.
Miley Cyrus: And yeah, we’ll vote him off, like Kirk voted off Picard in Star Trek, or something…
Blackbeard: Ya fool, no one was eliminated in Star Trek.
Miley Cyrus: Whatever.
Marilyn Monroe: This river looks pretty deep, and my dress is so white. I don’t think I’m wearing anything underneath my dress…it’d be a shame if it got damp…
Mr. T: Don’t worry, ma'am, I can carry you over.
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, it’s fine, I don’t mind getting a little wet.
William Wallace: Alrighty, lads, get it started already!
Master Chief: Patience. That is key.
Darth Vader: What’re you, some kind of guru?
Al Capone: Chief boy here is right, we oughtta stay calm in order to do this. It’s obvious.
Bob Ross: I see happy little trees.
Al Capone: That’s the spirit, boy!
EpicLLOYD: You ready, Washington?
George Washington: Whenever you are!
Justin Bieber: Hey Wallace, have fun running with that dress.
William Wallace: Back at you, madam!
Justin Bieber: I’m not a girl.
EpicLLOYD: Ready…
William Wallace: Tell that to ya birth certificate!
EpicLLOYD: Set…
Justin Bieber: I’m watching you.
William Wallace: Ooh, I’m so scared!
EpicLLOYD: GO!
*Justin Bieber kicks William Wallace square in the nuts, causing him to double over in pain*
(Confessional) William Wallace: That guy sure kicks hard for a a lady!
Lady Gaga (wearing a squirrel suit): Oh my, are you okay?
William Wallace: I should be asking you that! What the hell are you wearing?
Lady Gaga: It’s the newest fashion statement.
Blackbeard: Uh, excuse me miss Roadkill, but he’s on the other team.
Lady Gaga: I can still care for him, can’t I?
Blackbeard: Whatever suits you. Now, excuse me, I gotta take a dump.
*Blackbeard starts walking towards some woods in the distance*
Lady Gaga: But the competition is this way, dammit!
Adam: Don’t stand there, Gaga! You’ve gotta compete!
Lady Gaga: Whatever.
*The scene cuts to in the river, where the majority of the players, save for Wallace, Blackbeard, Gaga and Adam are crossing, and Mr. T is carrying Marilyn Monroe over the river*
Marilyn Monroe: Thank you, darling. This is really sweet, but I don’t need to be carried over. 
Mr. T: Anything for a lady like you.
(Confessional) Mr. T: My momma told me that you gotta respect a woman, no matter who, and my momma is always right.
Kanye West: Yo, T, where’d you get that girl? The fish market? Cause she smells like the cheap ones that expired!
Mr. T: Look who’s talking about fish, fish sticks!
Kanye West: I’m conflicted now as to how I feel.
Edgar Allan Poe: As all his feelings start to diminished, looks like no one let Kanye finish!
Kanye West: The hell does that mean, emo boy?
Edgar Allan Poe: Oh forget this narration, his brain’s resorted to condensation!
Kanye West: Man, now you’re trying to confuse me!
*Meanwhile, Further across the river*
Al Capone: This is easy!
Master Chief: I dunno, this current is kinda strong.
Eve: Not as strong as I am.
Bob Ross: Oh hello, Mr. Turtle.
Sarah Palin: Oh yeah, Eve? When I was 5, I used to ride polar bears to school. What can you do, eh?
Eve: I cand stand up for myself?
Cleopatra: Have you ever made men build a pyramid for you?
Eve: No, I’ve never needed a pyramid…
Cleopatra: Darling, you need a pyramid. They help you tan.
Bob Ross: Mr. Turtle, what is that in your hand?
Eve: Uh, thanks?
(Confessional) Eve: I don’t give a crap about what either of them are saying right now. Except Ross. What the hell is he doing?
Leonidas: Look at you fools! I’m just about to shore!
Washington’s soldier: TRANQUILIZER SHOT!
*A dart hits Leonidas, causing him to go unconscious in the river*
Leonidas: Damn…
Bob Ross: What’s that, turtle?
Al Capone: Holy crap, they’re firing!
Michael Jordan: Aw man, I don’t wanna get knocked out!
Muhammad Ali: Same here! I just hope I get there first!
Michael Jordan: Aw man, don’t say that, they’ll hear you-
Washington’s soldier: TRANQUILIZER SHOT!
*Muhammad Ali is shot as Michael Jordan reaches shore*
(Confessional) Muhammad Ali: Why is he so good at this?
Michael Jordan (on shore): I’m glad I got here fi-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Hello there.
Michael Jordan: How did you even-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: The cosmos are a wonderful place. So much to see, so many things to do…
Michael Jordan:…okay then.
(Confessional) Michael Jordan: What’s with this guy?
*Meanwhile, back to the others in the river, who are nearly to shore*
Master Chief: I’m so close to shore…
Al Capone: Same here! I can taste victory!
Joan of Arc: Not if I beat you!
Bob Ross: No, Mr. Turtle, I don’t want your hand there.
Sarah Palin: What the hell is he saying?
3 Soldiers: TRANQUILIZER SHOT!
*Sarah Palin, Al Capone and Bob Ross are hit with tranquilizer darts*
Master Chief: Shit!
Joan of Arc: Ha! Serves them ri-
Washington’s Soldier: TRANQUILIZER SHOT!
*Joan of Arc is hit by a dart*
Joan of Arc: Dammit!
Master Chief: Phew!
(Confessional) Master Chief: This suit is like a godsend to me. If I didn’t have it, I’d be first target, for sure.
*Master Chief arrives on shore, and camera cuts back to the others*
Adam: C’mon guys, if we make it, we’re good!
Lady Gaga: I’m trying, but this windbag here is too damn fat!
Miley Cyrus: You need to try better, like Superman did. How else did he get into the Avengers?
Goku: He joined them after I kicked his ass.
Adolf Hitler: That’s nice and all, but could you guys please focus on this river?
Goku: I could fly over this, but I’m being fair to the other team.
Kanye West: I feel the shore!
Adam: That’s the bottom of the river, you dumbass!
Kanye West: Are you…shore?
Adam: *sigh* God dammit.
Kanye West: I’m the Kanye Best!
Darth Vader: If I could, I’d choke-hold your ass right now.
Cleopatra: Arguing isn’t getting you anywhere.
Washington’s soldier: TRANQUILIZER CANNON!
Justin Bieber: Holy shit, what’s that?
*A tranquilizer cannon is shot off, firing tranquilizers in a rain down on contestants. Goku, Bieber, Adam, Kanye West, Eve, Wallace (albeit in pain), Lady Gaga, Hitler and Vader survive.*
Justin Bieber: Hell yeah!
Lady Gaga: We got this, Wallace!
William Wallace: I feel the water on my nads, lady! 
Goku: Of course I survived that.
Darth Vader: That was just luck.
Adolf Hitler: When I get my hands on the cannon…
Kanye West (climbing onshore): Hell yeah, baby!
Eve (struggling to climb): A little help, please?
Cleopatra: Aren’t you the independent one?
Eve: Yeah, but this river is strong enough to stop a tornado!
Adolf Hitler: A perfect trap...
Darth Vader: What?
Adolf Hitler: Nothing.
Kanye West: One sec, girl! Don’t wanna l-EVE you hanging! Get it?
(Confessional) Adam: Someone shoot him already.
Goku: Anyone need a lift?
Adam: I got this. 
*Adam helps Eve get up the shore.*
Eve: Uh, thanks?
Justin Bieber: Where the hell is the rest of my team at?
EpicLLOYD: At the campfire for elimination! You guys lost!
Goku: Naturally.
Justin Bieber: Dammit!
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Why the fuck am I stuck with these guys?
William Wallace: You can put me down now, ma’am!
*Team Massive Failure is gathered at the elimination ceremony.*
EpicLLOYD: Well, well, well. If it isn’t the losers at the first elimination?
Muhammad Ali: Dammit!
(confessional) Justin Bieber: At least I’m not going home tonight. 
Nice Peter: Now, you all voted on how should be out, and frankly we think you all should go. But, because that would mean less people to torture, only one of you is saying goodbye. 
Michael Jordan: How are people gonna leave, exactly?
EpicLLOYD: We haven’t decided, so we’re just shoving you in barrels and setting you adrift now.
Blackbeard: That sounds like fun!
EpicLLOYD: So anyways, here’s who’s safe.
Michael Jordan, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Justin Bieber, Adam, and Lady Gaga.
Edgar Allan Poe: I have one ponder I must ask; how did scrawny musician pass?
Justin Bieber: Because I actually got to shore, nimrod.
EpicLLOYD: Now these people can stay, too…
Muhammad Ali, Edgar Allan Poe, Mr. T, Leonidas and Miley Cyrus.
Marilyn Monroe: Wait, what?
EpicLLOYD: Well, Monroe, you made Mr. T carry you.
Marilyn Monroe: Did not! That mama’s boy dragged me against my own force! His sexist men dominance thoughts did it!
Mr. T: My what now?
EpicLLOYD: Marilyn, don’t get your panties in a twist just yet. Blackbeard is going home.
Blackbeard: Me, why?
Nice Peter: Well for one, you did walk into the woods to take a shit.
Blackbeard: But there be no potty breaks!
EpicLLOYD: Hope you like barrels.
Blackbeard: NOOOO!
(Confessional) Blackbeard: Suckers!
*The scene cuts to Peter and Lloyd at the dock with Blackbeard in a barrel*
Nice Peter: Any last words, Blackbeard?
Blackbeard (in the barrel): Could you spin it again?
Nice Peter: *sigh* Fine.
Blackbeard (in the barrel): Whee!
EpicLLOYD: Well, we’re down to 23, but soon to 22! How will the teams fare in a battle of Kong proportions when a pair of brothers show who’s boss? Will love be in the air? Will Blackbeard ever leave?
Blackbeard (in barrel): One more spin!
EpicLLOYD: We’ll see, next time on total. Drama. ERB!
Blackbeard (in barrel): Whee!
EpicLLOYD: JUST SHOVE HIM OFF TO SEA ALREADY!
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script