You Must Remember This-Transcript

WAITRESS:  Good morning, sir. One? 
WAITRESS:  This way, sir.
WAITRESS:  This is a table for six, sir.
LIONEL:  I may be joined by someone, I may be joined by five people. If I'm joined by 11 people, I may need to move to a table for 12.
WAITRESS:  Very well, sir. How will you be paying, cash or charged to the room? 
LIONEL:  I haven't ordered anything yet.
WAITRESS:  Sorry, sir.
WAITRESS:  What would you like? We are serving brunch. 
LIONEL:  Are you? I assume between lunch and dinner you serve linner.
WAITRESS:  No, sir, tea.
LIONEL:  Just bring me a pot of coffee, would you? Yes, sir.
WAITRESS:  And how will you be paying, cash or charged to the room? 
LIONEL:  The room. 405.
WAITRESS:  If you'd like to put your name in capitals there, sir, and your signature there.
LIONEL:  Would you like my birth certificate as well? 
WAITRESS:  I'll get your coffee, sir.
LIONEL:  I'm sorry if I've been rather abrupt but I ordered a pot of coffee.
WAITRESS:  We only serve cups, sir, but I will be around to top you up.
LIONEL:  I can hardly wait! 
JUDY:  She threw her shoe at the window.
JEAN:  Oh, did it break?
SANDY:  It’s toughened glass.
JEAN:  I meant the shoe.
SANDY:  No, I don't think so.
JEAN:  Pity.
JUDY:  Mum, you just sacked the girl, you don't want her to have to limp home as well, do you? 
JEAN:  Providing an efficient secretarial service is what we are about. I have a reputation.
JUDY:  You're getting one.
JEAN:  I have a reputation, the agency has a reputation and I won't have it blown apart by someone who thinks that by being a temp is an easy way of making a fast buck.
JUDY:  Pound.
JEAN:  Pound.
JUDY:  "Crab apple" they're starting to call you.
JEAN:  I don't care what they are starting to c… Who are? 
JUDY:  The girls, and I have to say, this morning, even by crab apple standards
JEAN:  Look, I was here very early this morning.
JUDY:  I know, I heard you leave.
JEAN:  I couldn't get a taxi, so I hopped on a bus. When I came to pay, the conductor asked me if I had a bus pass. It's not funny.
JUDY:  It's not that serious either. It's all in the mind, age.
JEAN:  What, you mean dying brain cells?
JUDY:  I've got work to do.
JEAN:  Yes you have. Get round to this hotel, wherever it is. Make peace with the fellow who's doing all the shouting.
JUDY:  Why me? 
JEAN:  Oh, because you're sweet. Because you're good at it, come on.
JUDY:  One of nature's punch bags.
JEAN:  Judy, all I'm asking you is to pacify a client. Not asking you to slip into a hair shirt and crawl around there barefoot.
JUDY:  All right.
JEAN:  And if he's a heterosexual, show your legs.
JUDY:  That's a sexist remark.
JEAN:  Well, it's two sexist remarks, actually.
JUDY:  Are you going to get a bus pass?
03:38
LIONEL:  Oh, thank you so much.
WAITRESS:  Not at all, sir.
JUDY:  Mr Hardcastle?
LIONEL:  Yes? 
JUDY:  Judith Hanson from Type For You.
LIONEL:  Oh yes. Won't you, um. May I offer you something? The coffee's foul.
JUDY:  Just a mineral water, thank you.
LIONEL:  A mineral water for the lady, please.
WAITRESS:  Still or aerated? 
JUDY:  Still, please.
WAITRESS:  Will that be cash, sir, or charged to the 
LIONEL:  Now, this secretary you sent me 
JUDY:  She's been dismissed, of course. I don't know how she come to be on the books in the first place, she must have just slipped through the net. Please accept our sincere apologies. We shall, of course, put another secretary on standby, one of our best, and she'll be at your disposal should you be generous enough to continue to favour us with your custom.
LIONEL:  Oh. Well, I'd expect no less, of course.
JUDY:  Naturally.
LIONEL:  It's such a waste of time.
JUDY:  I am truly sorry.
LIONEL:  Well, I I shouldn't have used such intemperate language on the telephone.
JUDY:  You were angry.
LIONEL:  Yes, I do get angry. The older you get, the more there seems to be to be angry about.
JUDY:  You're not old.
LIONEL:  I didn't say I was, I said the older you get.
JUDY:  Thank you.
LIONEL:  It's the revisions on the book. They go on and on, lengthen this, strengthen that. All from a publisher who is about 14 years old and insists on calling me “mate".
JUDY:  A book? Are you a novelist?
LIONEL:  Oh, good God, no! It's an autobiography. I was a coffee planter in Kenya for some time. It's about my life out there.
JUDY:  What's it called? 
LIONEL:  My Life In Kenya. Yeah, bloody awful title, isn't it? 
JUDY:  It's not the catchiest thing I've ever heard.
LIONEL:  No. My 14-year-old publisher suggested something with beans in it, as in coffee beans.
JUDY:  Jumping beans.
LIONEL:  Mexican.
JUDY:  Ah.
LIONEL:  I did suggest has-been.
JUDY:  No, that's awful.
LIONEL:  It was a joke but the little twerp actually liked it.
JUDY:  These revisions, you'll need another girl, quickly.
LIONEL:  A competent one, yes. I said "parentheses" to the last one, she thought I was talking about my mother and father.
JUDY:  We are sorry, we are very sorry.
LIONEL:  (Chuckles) Do you know what I like about you? What? The way you cross your legs every time you apologise. It's so artless. Shall we have something stronger? 
06:37
JEAN:  What do you mean, you're going out to dinner with him? 
JUDY:  Mum, I know you said your brain cells are dying but it can't that difficult to understand. I am going out to dinner with him.
JEAN:  If he's putting in nasty little additions on him forgiving us
JUDY:  He's not.
JEAN:  Then why are you going? 
JUDY:  Because he asked me. Because he's nice, he's droll, he's got sad eyes, funny sad.
JEAN:  Doesn't dress as a clown, does he?
JUDY:  Oh, ha, ha.
JEAN:  Is he young?
JUDY:  No.
JEAN:  Old?
JUDY:  Mature.
JEAN:  Ha! Old.
JUDY:  About your age.
JEAN:  Oh, mature.
JUDY:  That's what I said.
JEAN:  Well, it's your life.
JUDY:  Meaning I'm screwing it up again.
JEAN:  Meaning that with two divorces behind you, the last thing you want is an old mature man with sad eyes.
JUDY:  I'm only going out to dinner with him. Besides, I've got a soft spot for sad eyes. Ken had sad eyes, like a bloodhound.
JEAN:  Shame he wasn't as intelligent as a bloodhound.
JUDY:  Edward was very clever.
JEAN:  Oh, yes, married to you and running two women on the side. Very clever.
JUDY:  You didn't like either of them, did you? 
JEAN:  Neither did you, I don’t think.
JUDY:  That's a cheap shot.
JEAN:  Sorry, it wasn't meant to be.
JUDY:  Well, what do you want me to do, for God’s sake, "get me to a nunnery"? 
JEAN:  I want you to be happy, I don't want you to end up 
JUDY:  Oh, Mum.
JEAN:  You will, if you go out to dinner with somebody who looks like a geriatric Coco the Clown.
SANDY:  The car's here.
JEAN:  Oh, good, Sandy.
SANDY:  It's the driver who thinks Woody Allen stole all his material, is that all right? 
JEAN:  Providing Woody Allen doesn't hitch a lift, yes.
JUDY:  You're not working at home again? 
JEAN:  Keeps me off the streets. Well, what does Coco do, anyway? 
JUDY:  He’s writing a book about his life in Kenya.
JEAN:  Oh? What's it called? 
JUDY:  My Life In Kenya.
JEAN:  (Chuckles) I didn't say a word.
08:32
LIONEL:  Can you wait?
TAXI DRIVER:  Until the end of time, if you want me to.
LIONEL:  I shouldn't be that long.
JUDY:  On time.
JEAN:  Oh! And we won't stop for lunch, we'll go straight
LIONEL:  You won't be long? I've got a taxi waiting, you see.
JUDY:  I shan't be a moment honestly. Mum, Sandy, Lionel.
JEAN:  Oh
LIONEL:  Hello.
SANDY:  Hi.
JUDY:  Do sit down, two minutes.
LIONEL:  Right.
JEAN:  Can I get you a drink? 
LIONEL:  No, thanks, I've got a taxi waiting.
JEAN:  Shall we get on?
SANDY:  Yes, of course.
JUDY:  Ready?
LIONEL:  Er, yes.
JUDY:  Won’t be late.
JEAN:  Right.
LIONEL:  Bye-bye.
JEAN:  Goodbye.
SANDY:  What with?
JEAN: What?
SANDY:  What are we getting on with?
JEAN: What we were doing, of course.
SANDY:  OK, fine.
JEAN: Right. Some of the girls are letting their imaginations run wild when it comes to travelling expenses. I know that a taxi to Hampstead in the rush hour goes very slowly but £24 suggest she went via Milton Keynes.
JEAN: Are you in a trance? 
SANDY:  We weren't working on travelling expenses.
JEAN: Oh? Oh. Do the girls in the office really call me crab apple? 
SANDY:  No, they stopped that.
JEAN: Oh, good.
SANDY:  They call you iron draws now.
LIONEL:  How was the pate? 
JUDY:  Very nice.
LIONEL:  The soup was awful. I think they just passed a tomato through a pan of boiling water. Wasn't the height of invention to eat here, was it? 
JUDY:  Oh no, it's fine. It's, um airy.
LIONEL:  Judith, you're off duty now, placating me is no longer obligatory.
JUDY:  I know, it's what I do, placate. Seems to be a habit.
LIONEL:  Better than spitting at pigeons I suppose.
WAITOR:  Did you enjoy that madam? Sir? 
LIONEL:  Compared to pushing a pea up Vesuvius with my nose, it was a delightful experience.
WAITOR:  Yes, sir.
LIONEL:  The other girl, um Sandy, is she your sister? 
JUDY:  No, the best secretary we've got.
LIONEL:  The one you didn't send me.
JUDY:  She's Mum's.
LIONEL:  Ah. What does your father do? 
JUDY:  Not a lot, he's dead.
LIONEL:  Nice man? 
JUDY:  Very.
LIONEL:  And, um What about your mother? 
JUDY:  Well, of course, she's nice. Well nice-ish.
LIONEL:  What part of the world is she from? Ah ha, ha. I'm not sparkling, am I? 
JUDY:  Well, call me quirky if you will, but I don't expect to be asked out to dinner to talk about my mother all evening.
LIONEL:  Sorry, I'm a bit out of practice.
JUDY:  What at? 
LIONEL:  Women. Once you're on your own in Kenya, it's all other people's wives. I'm a bit long on the tooth for daughters.
JUDY:  Well, I'm a daughter. Practise, make me laugh. Go on you, did this morning.
LIONEL:  Make you laugh? Um (Groans) 
JUDY:  That's not funny.
LIONEL:  It's not intended it to be, I've got cramp.
12:22
SANDY:  Ooh! My grandad could whistle and hum at the same time.
JEAN: Could he?
SANDY:  Not terribly well.
JEAN:  No.
SANDY:  Look, it's your money.
JEAN:  What is?
SANDY:  My overtime. I came here to work but if you just want to chat.
JEAN:  Oh no, no, no, Sandy. Come on, we'll work.
SANDY:  OK, right. Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag, he used to whistle. He tried to hum It's A Long Way To Tipperary at the same time but it never really worked.
JEAN:  Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kit Bag?
SANDY:  You've got it.
JEAN:  I'm sorry, Sandy. Look, go home, I'm wasting your time.
SANDY:  What are you doing? 
JEAN:  Wasting my time, probably.
LIONEL:  You’re laughing.
JUDY:  I’m sorry.
LIONEL:  Painful way to amuse a woman.
JUDY:  I know, take your sock and shoe off and put you foot flat on the cold floor.
LIONEL:  Where?
JUDY:  Here.
LIONEL:  Here? I can't take my shoe and sock off in a hotel.
JUDY:  People take all sorts of things off in hotels.
LIONEL:  Not in the restaurant.
JUDY:  It's better that sitting there in agony.
LIONEL:  You sure it will work?
JUDY:  Positive.
LIONEL:  Well, they do say the British love eccentrics.
13:50
SANDY:  That’s you.
JEAN:  Yes, Ramsgate, 1949. "Me on the beach minus R.
SANDY:  Who was “R"?
JEAN:  Who knows? Richard, Robert, Rupert. Rambo.
SANDY:  Rudolf.
JEAN:  Rudolf, Reindeer or Valentino. Do you like the swimsuit?
SANDY:  Oh, it's awful.
JEAN:  Awful, yes. They were woollen. They weighed a ton when you came out of the water.
SANDY:  I didn't know you were a nurse.
JEAN:  Oh, yes, I wanted to save the world then. "Me, outside the Middlesex, my first day." They grab you by the throat, don't they, these captions? 
SANDY:  What is it you're looking for? Oh, a ghost.
JEAN:  Ohh. He is a ghost.
14:42
LIONEL:  Good tip that for a cramp, bare foot on a cold floor. Where did you learn that?
JUDY:  Mum, probably. She used to be a nurse.
LIONEL:  Did she? 
WAITOR:  Did you enjoy the main course, madam? 
JUDY:  Yes, it was very nice. (Whispers) Bad idea.
WAITOR:  Sir? 
LIONEL:  Extraordinary. You can see the result, it blew my sock and shoe off.
WAITOR:  Yes, sir. Would you like dessert?
JUDY:  Just coffee, I think.
LIONEL:  Yes, just coffee. If the dessert is as outstanding as the rest of the meal, I could end up trouserless. 
LIONEL:  When was your mother a nurse? 
JUDY:  You're not going to start asking me about her again, are you? 
LIONEL:  No, no, no, let's have a brandy.
JUDY:  Yes, I'd like that.
LIONEL:  Yes, best part of staying in a hotel, really. No driving, nowhere else to go, you can enjoy a drink or two. And all you have to do is walk a few yards, get the lift, another few yards, and fall into bed.
JUDY:  My bed isn't in this hotel.
LIONEL:  I could have put that more subtly, couldn't I? 
JUDY:  You could've waited till I'd had a brandy.
LIONEL:  Waiter! 
WAITOR:  Coffee for two.
LIONEL:  Thank you, and two brandies please, large ones.
WAITOR:  Yes, sir.
JUDY:  All right, I give in.
LIONEL:  Pardon? 
JUDY:  Why do you keep asking about Mum?
LIONEL:  You're changing the subject.
JUDY:  No, she's been the subject all evening. Apart from cramp and one half-hearted attempt at seduction, she's been the subject all evening, spoken or unspoken.
LIONEL:  It wasn't half-hearted.
JUDY:  Then I'm flattered. But why do you keep asking about my mother?
LIONEL:  I think I knew her.
JUDY:  When? 
LIONEL:  Long before I ever started getting cramp.
JUDY:  Well, at least come and say hello, if only for old times' sake.
LIONEL:  There are good ideas and there are bad ideas. And then there are really awful ideas.
JUDY:  Why?
LIONEL:  If your mother remembers me at all, ask her. Good night. Sorry about the cramp.
JEAN:  Oh!
JUDY:  What are you dressed up for?
JEAN:  I'm not dressed up.
JUDY:  It's nearly bed time.
JEAN:  That's no reason to sit around like an old ragbag, is it? Well, how was the evening? How was Coco? 
JUDY:  He said he knew you.
JEAN:  Oh! Did he say anything else?
JUDY:  No. That's the trouble, he wouldn't even come in. He said, "If you remembered him you would know why." Do you remember him? You do, that's why you got dressed up.
JEAN:  I've not got dressed up.
JUDY:  Oh, so you don't remember him then. 
Ohh 
It's you. It's him! When was this taken? 
JEAN:  Well as you can see, we are standing in front of a cave, dressed in skins.
JUDY:  You're smiling at each other.
JEAN:  Yes, we'd just discovered how to make fire.
JUDY:  All right, it was along time ago.
JEAN:  What happened? I think we had the photograph taken, then went and had tea.
JUDY:  Come on, you know what I mean. Was it a romance? 
JEAN:  Judy, I was 19. Kissing in the back row of the pictures was a romance then.
JUDY:  I'm his daughter.
JEAN:  Maths never was your strong point.
JUDY:  No. So, why wouldn't he come in and say hello? 
JEAN:  Well, I expect he didn't fancy a wrinklies reunion.
JUDY:  He said to ask you.
JEAN:  Well you've asked me and I don't know and it's not important. Now, I'm going to bed.
JUDY:  You're so used to talking about business you've forgotten how to talk about anything else, even to me.
JEAN:  Well the first thing to say is that I loved your father.
JUDY:  Go on.
JEAN:  But with Lionel, well it's difficult to explain. It was I was nursing at the Middlesex Hospital and Lionel was doing his national service. He'd been commissioned to the Middlesex regiment, strangely enough. We met at some dance or other, and It's not sounding too Barbara Cartland, is it? And it just happened. Everything we said, everything we laughed at. We went out together for about three months and then he was posted to Korea.
JUDY:  And then he was killed.
JEAN:  You just had dinner with him this evening.
JUDY:  Oh. So, there you are in love, and Lionel was posted to Korea? Then? 
JEAN:  There was no then, he never wrote, and I never saw him again.
20:23
LIONEL:  Ah.
JUDY:  You rat!
LIONEL:  Are you a schizophrenic?
JUDY:  No, I'm bloody mad.
LIONEL:  I didn't like to use the word.
JUDY:  Don't play games with me, I'm furious. Mum does remember you, she told me all about it.
LIONEL:  I see.
JUDY:  That's all you've got to say? 
LIONEL:  There's not a lot else to say, is there?
JUDY:  Aren't you even sorry?
LIONEL:  I was. I was very sorry, as a matter of fact.
JUDY:  Why didn't you have the decency, last night, to at least pop in and apologise? 
LIONEL:  Why should I apologise? 
JUDY:  You two have a relationship that makes Romeo and Juliet look positively pallid. You go off to Korea and dropped her, you didn't even write.
LIONEL:  Of course, I wrote. It's your sainted mother who never wrote back.
JUDY:  If you're right or if you're lying 
WAITRESS:  Would you like a top up, sir?
LIONEL:  What?
WAITRESS:  A top up? 
21:31
LIONEL:  Ah, I want to see Mrs, um Jean, I want to see Jean.
SANDY:  I’m sorry, she's out.
LIONEL:  When will she be back?
SANDY:  She didn't say.
LIONEL:  Well, where has she gone?
SANDY:  She didn't say.
LIONEL:  You're a mine of information, aren't you? (Mouths)
21:54
JEAN:  They said you were out.
LIONEL:  They said you were out.
JEAN:  I was here.
LIONEL:  I was at your office.
JEAN:  We must have crossed.
LIONEL:  Yes. Sparkling conversation, isn't it?
JEAN:  Heady.
BOTH:  Shall we sit down? 
LIONEL:  Well, how are you?
JEAN:  I'm fine. How are you?
LIONEL:  Pretty well, considering.
JEAN:  Considering what? 
LIONEL:  I don't know really.
WAITRESS:  Good morning, sir, again. Would you like something?
LIONEL:  Yes, I think we need a drink.
JEAN:  Yes, I think so too.
LIONEL:  A Scotch and soda, please, and half a pint of cider. 405.
JEAN:  I don't like Scotch.
LIONEL:  That's for me.
JEAN:  Oh. I don't like cider either.
LIONEL:  Yes, you do.
JEAN:  No, I don't.
LIONEL:  Well, you used to. You always used to drink cider.
JEAN:  Yes, so I did. You used to drink beer.
LIONEL:  Oh, can't manage it these days. Too many trips.
JEAN:  Ahh.
LIONEL:  God, this is awful, isn't it?
JEAN:  Oh, awful.
WAITRESS:  One Scotch and soda, one cider.
LIONEL:  We want to change the cider.
JEAN:  No, I'll keep it.
WAITRESS:  One Scotch and soda, one cider. Thank you, madam.
LIONEL:  Cheers.
JEAN:  Cheers. Oh, things change.
LIONEL:  Yes. Your hair's different.
JEAN:  Yes. 
LIONEL:  I've got a bit of grey myself.
JEAN:  Well, at least I haven't a bald spot.
LIONEL:  Well, good for you.
JEAN:  I have got a troublesome back.
LIONEL:  I get cramp.
JEAN:  Oh, my God, it is a wrinklies reunion.
LIONEL:  What are we doing here? 
JEAN:  Well, I'm not here to compare wrinkles. I just want to set the record straight, that's all.
LIONEL:  Yes, so do I.
JEAN:  So, why didn't you write? 
LIONEL:  Oh, now. Let's not play games. Why didn't you write? 
JEAN:  Where to? Second lieutenant Hardcastle, somewhere in Korea?
LIONEL:  I sent you the address as soon as I had one.
JEAN:  I didn't get a letter.
LIONEL:  Well, I sent it. Oh, no. (Chuckles) As ridiculously simple as that? A lost letter? 
JEAN:  Oh, dear. I suppose we're in some rack somewhere.
LIONEL:  Could be in the Imperial War Museum for all we know. "Letter from subaltern to sweetheart, circa 1953." 
JEAN:  Or still in Korea, disintegrated in the soil. I'd like to think it fed a tree.
LIONEL:  People put newspapers on their compost heaps.
JEAN:  Yes, they do.
LIONEL:  So, we finished as Korean compost.
JEAN:  I like the Imperial War Museum better.
LIONEL:  Yes, I think I do.
JEAN:  You didn't bother to write a second bloody letter, did you? 
LIONEL:  Well, I thought Absence doesn't make only make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart suspicious. Suspicious that somehow it had all been too good to be true.
JEAN:  I waited and waited.
LIONEL:  Making strenuous efforts to find me in the meantime, presumably? 
JEAN:  What, row over to Korea? 
LIONEL:  There was a regimental depot. The ministry of defence, Cliff Michelmore and Jean Metcalfe.
JEAN:  They didn't do Korea.
LIONEL:  Oh, all right. But the fact is that you wrongfully assumed that I hadn't written and did nothing.
Judy? 
JUDY:  There is no way to dress up my presence. I'm incredibly curious, and I want to know what you've been talking about.
JEAN:  Youth.
LIONEL:  Youth and pride.
JEAN:  Youth and pride and stupidity.
JUDY:  Who was stupid? 
BOTH:  We both were.
JUDY:  But it's all right now? Everything's all right now? I think it's wonderful.
LIONEL:  Why should she think it's wonderful? 
JEAN:  Judy is a dying breed, she's a romantic.
LIONEL:  What? Us? 
JEAN:  Well, I don't think she was referring to Edward and Mrs Simpson.
LIONEL:  She doesn't mean now, does she? 
JEAN:  She's a romantic.
LIONEL:  Well, that's absurd. I mean, look at us.
JEAN:  I'd sooner not be included in that remark.
LIONEL:  Well, you have aged.
JEAN:  I know I have aged. Who do you think you are? Peter Pan? 
LIONEL:  Of course not, I'd look silly in tights.
JEAN:  Yes, you had knobbly knees.
LIONEL:  I still have.
JEAN:  Well
LIONEL:  Well.
JEAN:  I have a business to run.
LIONEL:  I've got revisions on the book.
JEAN:  Do you still want someone.
LIONEL:  Pardon?
JEAN:  A secretary?
LIONEL:  Oh, yes.
LIONEL:  I'll be here for a few days.
JEAN:  Well, I'll fix it.
LIONEL:  Thank you. Let's have dinner or something.
JEAN:  Or lunch.
LIONEL:  I'll phone you at the office.
JEAN:  Or I'll phone you here. Goodbye, then.
LIONEL:  Goodbye.
WAITRESS:  Excuse me, sir, will you be dining here this evening? Only we're expecting a large party of Finns.
LIONEL:  No, I'll be checking out this afternoon.
WAITRESS:  Yes, sir.
LIONEL:  Oh, and, um take the cider away, would you?
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 1