Big Jim's Emporium Of Useless Shit

In this commercial, Keyz (as Big Jim) promotes his store selling completely useless wares.
== Script ==
Howdy, folks. This is Big Jim from Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit and if you haven't been to Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit there is something seriously wrong with you. Get up off your ass and get down here! We've got all this useless shit and we need people to sell it to. 
Like this here. You gotta get yourself one of these here solar-powered flashlights. Never again will you need to worry about being out and about in broad daylight without a flashlight. Also, don't need to worry about replacing batteries, cause this here solar flashlight uses solar panels and runs straight from the sun. And if the sun ain't out, well it don't work worth a shit, but in this day and age you shouldn't be out walking around anyway. A body could get themselves mugged or raped or beaten or killed out there today. And if your at home, what're ya doing up? Get to bed, get some sleep, wake up tomorrow when the sun's up and your solar flashlight's workin' again.
Alright, nuff o' that. Here is something you got to get yourself. These here are genuine stone pillows. Their hard as shit and you can't sleep on them, but these here are the most durable pillows you can find. And if someone wants to get into a pillow fight with you, Hoooo-Eeee! One shot to the head with these babies, fight's over, done, finished, complete, you win, game over. And as far as colors go, we can match any color you need. All you need to do is bring yourself in a can o' spray paint will take the sucker out back spray it up for ya, no charge. So that's our stone pillows. 
Now what we got here is marvel of modern science. You turn on the tv, you hear all day and night about how bad sodium is for you, how it makes your blood pressure go up. You got a guy who puts salt on french fries, next thing you know, son of a bitch blows an aneurysm, falls face down into the ketchup. That's no good. But what we got here can help prevent that. This here is our sodium-free salt shakers. These here salt shakers keep you from puttin' extra sodium in your diet, cause unlike other salt shakers, this one ain't got no hole, no way to get the salt out. You can shake it all day, you ain't gonna get one goddamn milligram of sodium out the thing. Only way your blood pressures going up is from the frustration of try to get the fuckin' salt out of the thing. 
Down here at Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit, we got goods from all kind of departments. We even just added our own pet department. That's right. We've now got useless animals down here at Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit. Like these here dogs. These here are genuine blind seein' eye dogs. And when I say blind seein' eye dogs, I don't mean seein' eye dogs for the blind, I mean the dogs themselves are blind. They can't see a fuckin' thing. Buy one of these here dogs, give it to a blind person, and watch em run into walls, fall down steps, walk right out into the middle of goddamn traffic. Hilarious, a knee slapping good time. For you. Not for them though. For them, the dog is fuckin' useless. 
But that's what you get when you come down to Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit. I'm Big Jim and when you come down to Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit, I will sell you shit that is absolutely useless. So come on down to Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit. We're open all hours that you'll be busy doin' something else and closed every other time. Need directions to Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit, what you do take any interstate down to exit 16, take a right off the ramp, go down 3 lights, take a left, take another left, drive 73 miles, stop, turn around, go back the way you came, take a left, stop at the next gas station, pull in, get out the car, walk up to the attendant, and ask the guy "where the fuck am I". That name again is Big Jim's Emporium of Useless Shit. See you there!
== Notes of Interest ==
* This was the first of several appearances of the Big Jim character.
* The background music for this commercial is the vintage banjo tune "Foggy Mountain Breakdown".
Category:Faux_Commercials