C.H.E.R.U.B (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "C.H.E.R.U.B". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. 
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[The episode opens up to a shot of Heaven's golden gates. The gates open and "Cherub Towne" is shown. Cletus flies in front of the camera.]
Cletus: Well, howdy! I'm Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did somethin' good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessin's!
[The Cherubs begin singing the C.H.E.R.U.B. Jingle.]
[Cuts to a man jumping out of an airplane. He pulls the ripcord to release his parachute, only for it to snap off instead. He splats onto a rock while a censoring cloud bubble reads "OWIE!"]
Collin: ♫ Does it make you want to cry? ♫
[Cuts to another person getting run over by a speeding train from a tunnel as "Oh No!" appears in a censor cloud.]
Keenie: ♫ When your loved one has to die? ♫
[Scene goes to another man who accidentally shoots himself in the face with a shotgun. "Oopsie!" is seen in another censor cloud.]
Cletus: ♫ Does it hurt you through and through? ♫
[Clip shows a struggling man's face turning blue in a hangman's noose. A stylized version of Cletus's head fades into view with a sad face and a tear running down his cheek.]
All: ♫ When your face is turnin' bluuuuue? ♫
Collin: ♫ Well, luckily for you... ♫
Keenie: ♫ There's somethin' we can do! ♫
Cletus: ♫ We can help keep them alive, ♫
All: ♫ So you can watch them thrive! ♫
[All three pose together.]
[The orange C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears with a registered trademark symbol. The letters appear as they are sung.]
All: ♫ ‘Cause here at C.H.E... R.U.B.! ♫
[Cletus rescues a woman from a pack of wild animals. Keenie pushes a scared Collin in front of them, as he holds a plank of wood with a nail in it.]
Collin: ♫ We'll save your honeybun from dying violently! ♫
[The C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears again.]
All: ♫ ‘Cause here at C.H.E....R.U.B.! ♫
[Cletus is shown waving a dismissive hand at a person handing him a handful of dollar bills.]
Keenie: ♫ No, we never even ask a fee! ♫
[Collin and Keenie give each other a hug in a yellow heart background.]
Collin: ♫ Because good people spread the love! ♫
[Small hearts of light spread out around a spinning Earth in space.]
Keenie: ♫ And we're here for all above! ♫
[A stressed Collin rapidly writes on piles of paperwork in an office.]
Cletus: ♫ We do the paperwork for you! ♫
[Keenie lifts a boulder from a woman trapped under and flattened by a boulder, who gives her a thumbs up.]
Collin: ♫ And the heavy liftin', too! ♫
[The three Cherubs comfort a horribly wounded man after a car crash. he is bleeding profusely from a neck wound.]
Cletus: ♫ So sit right back ♫
[The three Cherubs appear back on the screen and sing in harmony. They pose some more.]
All: ♫ And let us bless a soooul for you! ♫
♫ Oh, we... are the C.H.E.R.U.B.! ♫
[The Cherubs appear on a small, old-fashioned TV which zooms out onto the I.M.P Headquarters. Blitzo blasts the TV with his flintlock pistol, and it explodes.] 
Millie: Nice one, B!
Blitzo: Gimme another, Mox.
[Moxxie nervously sweeps away the flaming debris and puts another old-fashioned TV onto the stand. He turns it on with a scared look on his face. The 666 News logo appears. Blitzo pours gunpowder into his flintlock.] 
Blitzo: Eh, nah. Not feelin' it. Next!
[Moxxie switches the channel. A demonically dressed Betty Boop appears in black and white, dancing erotically with prominent, bouncing breasts, holding a pitchfork. Moxxie flinches in anticipation. Blitzo and Millie look bored.] 
Blitzo: Uh-huh. Keep going, keep goin', keep goin'...
[Moxxie switches the channel again. Wally Wackford appears on the screen dressed in white with a black top hat, holding a cane.] 
Wally Wackford: I say, I say, are you lookin' to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?
[Wally whacks his cane on the wall at either side of him, producing the graphics for "CRAZY CONTRAPTIONS" and "GOOFY GADGETS" as he speaks.]
Wally Wackford: WELL, call me at Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea Factory,
[The Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea "Factory" ™ title appears against a similar circular background of classic old cartoons. The panel with the title then falls over forwards, landing with a ]
Wally: Where you make the things and I make the money!
[Wally moves close to the screen with a pleading look.]
Wally: Please! I'm very desperate!
Blitzo: Bingo!
[Blitzo shoots and explodes the TV again, scattering debris.] 
Millie: WOO! You're on a roll, sir!
[The camera pans over to Loona, who snores and drools while sleeping in a chair. She has one foot up on the table that twitches in her sleep. A plastic cup with her name written on it and filled with water sits on the table next to her foot. She is awoken by a rumbling which also knocks her cup over, spilling its contents.] 
Loona: Guys... do you feel that?
Blitzo: Oh, shit! Is that a hellshake?
Moxxie: That's possible?
Millie: Alright! Don't panic, Moxxie!
[Moxxie's tail stiffens from being startled by Millie's sudden outburst. She then grabs his arms in an attempt to "calm" him.]
Moxxie: I'm not *holds up finger quotes* "panicking," because hellquakes don't happen.
[Loona roughly grabs hold of Moxxie and shakes him.]
Loona: STOP GETTING HYSTERICAL, FATTY!
[Loona slaps Moxxie in the face, sending him flying against the wall and slightly dazing him. He is then knocked down further by what appears to be a wrecking ball made of black tubes Part of the wall crumbles on top of Moxxie, crushing him. As the dust clears, the wrecking ball untangles into multiple robotic tentacles and a supervillain-esque demon uses two of them to hoist himself into the room through the hole, covering himself with his cape. Loona growls while on all fours.] 
Loopty Goopty: Do not be afraid!
[The man grins and extends his robotic tentacles.]
Blitzo: Please tell me you got that insurance thing.
[Millie takes out her black axe.]
Millie: Who are you, and what do you want?!
[Loopty Goopty extends a tentacle into a loop-de-loop and slides along it to the other side of the room.]
Loopty: I am Loopty Goopty! (singsong voice) Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopiiiiiish!
Loona: Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing.
Loopty: I am eccentric and must therefore do eccentric SHIT!
[Loopty Goopty does a wavy dance. Blitzo sniffs him and flinches.]
Blitzo: Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?
Loopty: YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE!
[Loona taps on her phone.]
Loona: Just sayin'... the front door would've gotten you here fine.
Loopty: Shut up, dear furry!
[Loona growls in anger.]
[Loopty Goopty appears in front of Loona and turns to Blitzo.]
Loopy: (singsong voice) This is the man I'm gonna need you to kiiiill!
[He holds up an old photo of an old bald man in a bed. Blitzo takes the photo from him.] 
Blitzo: Not even a shit's length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge. I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I'm Blitzo, the "O" is silent.
[Loona walks away as Blitzo walks over to Loopty and shakes his hand.] 
Loopty: (confused) What "o"?
Blitzo: Aww, thank you. *shakes hips* Now, what's the tea, sis?
Loopty: (even more confused) The TEAAAA?!
[Moxxie's arm appears as he struggles under the weight of the debris.]
Moxxie: (pained) Guys, help!
Blitzo: Yeah, why are we killin' this guy? [elbows Loopty] I mean, what did he do to you?
[Moxxie's arm inches back and he squeals in pain.]
Moxxie: (under his breath) LOSING... OX--!
Loopty: He was… my business partner! You see, I was not always an old man!
[An old film montage in brown shades depict Loopty's early life.] 
Loopty: My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!
[Lyle and Loopty pose with capes and spiral glasses on top of a tall building labeled "Lyle-Loopty Robotics". The building is surrounded by factories and columns spewing smoke. A line of text fades into view at the bottom of the screen reads "very dramatic re-enactment from earlier that day", with a question mark at the end joining it seconds after.]
Loopty Goopty: Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop, or reverse, the aging process!
[The clips show Loopty putting wires together and Lyle tightening a bolt with a wrench. The two stand by a large white machine labeled "De-age-ifier." Loopty is briefly seen slapping Lyle on the ass.] 
Loopty: It could've saved all three trillionaires! 
[Cuts to the interior of the De-age-ifier machine. The handle twists and the door swings open. Cuts back to Lyle and Loopty. Lyle puts on his goggles and the two step into the machine.]
Loopty: Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor, like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius! But the machine was accidentally set FORWARD!
[The two men stroll into the chamber and close the metal door. A lever next to the door labeled "YOUNG" and "OLD" is set to "OLD" at the bottom.]
Loopty: By the time we managed to get out... it was too late! At least... for me!
[The two men struggle to open the door, pounding on it. Both of them rapidly shrivel up and age. Loopty stares in horror at his shriveling hands. Lyle grows old and fat and slides to the floor. Loopty clutches at his chest as he suffers a heart attack, then falls dead to the ground, his leg twitching. A man opens the door, sees the two men, and motions for doctors to come in. They put a stethoscope over Loopty's heart, and they shake their heads somberly. A woman puts an oxygen mask over Lyle's nose and mouth. Loopty's body is zipped shut in a body bag.]
Loopty: Now, that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire WE BUILT TOGETHER! Without me to share it with, he'll make all the goddamn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire... and get ALL the credit!
[Scene cuts to Lyle laughing evilly as piles of money rain down on him.]
[Back to I.M.P. office.]
Blitzo: Ehhh, that's not really evil.
Loopty: It's evil towards meeee!
[Cuts to Moxxie, still stuck under the rubble. He weakly reaches his hand out for help.]
Moxxie: (strained) Everything… is going… dark--
Loopty: Now, get your crimson asses up above and send that heartless, no-good son of a bitch to Hell, where he belongs!
Blitzo: Eh, y- y- y- You do know, Poopty--
Loopty: *seethes* Looooptyyyy!
Blitzo: [holds hands up defensively] Of course! Of course... If we do kill him, though, and he ends up down here... y'know, you will be stuck with him. Forever.
Loopty: Oh, trust me...
[Loopty summons an array of weapons from his back on a series of mechanical armatures: a pistol, a rifle, a missile launcher, and a circular saw blade.]
Loopty: I'm counting on it.
Moxxie: *strained, gives a thumbs up* That's kinda hot!
[Everyone glances at Moxxie.]
----
[Scene cuts to the I.M.P. crew wearing wigs and disguises on a tour bus. Moxxie looks through binoculars at Lyle's mansion.] 
Moxxie: (sarcastic) Gee! I wonder whose house this is.
Tour Guide: And to your right is the home of famous inventor, Lyle Lipton! 
[The crowd "oohs" and takes pictures with their cell phones. Blitzo removes his sunglasses, wearing a clown wig.]
Blitzo: Let's do it, gang!
[All three Imps pull out their weapons: Blitzo a flintlock pistol, Moxxie an assault rifle and Millie two sharp swords. The Imps jump over a fence and land in poses.]
Millie: Let's kill this rich guy!
[The Imps race over toward the windows.]
Tour Guide: And here you'll find three tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!
[People snap pictures.]
[Blitzo and Millie dash over to the window, while Moxxie slides on his back. Moxxie peers through the window, joined by the sock puppet cat on Blitzo's tail.]
Moxxie: Wow...
[Millie and Blitzo then join him in looking through the window.]
[Cuts to the interior of the room. Lyle Lipton is lying on his bed, an IV bag attached to him. A heart rate monitor sits on a shelf next to the IV bag. A TV screen and video player sit at the other side of his bed, connected to the bed itself. Lyle is holding a framed picture in his hands, looking at it sadly.]
Moxxie: That machine really did a number on him.
[Zooming in, Lyle kisses the picture, his hands trembling.]
Lyle: Goodbye... my one true love.
[Lyle runs a finger down the picture lovingly. The picture in the frame is shown to consist of a stock image of dollar bills with a "Free Stock Photos" watermark over it. Lyle then puts the frame down and grabs the tube from his IV bag and begins tying it.]
Lyle: All the riches of the world can't fill the emptiness I'm feeling now that my shitty old body can't do anything of value.
Blitzo: Oh, fantastic! He's gonna do our job for us!
[Lyle finishes making a noose out of the tube, pulling the knot taught.]
Moxxie: Should we go in there and tie it for him?
[Lyle is about to put the makeshift noose over his head as the Imps watch with drinks and popcorn. The noose glows white and a concussive force knocks the Imps back. Blitzo's cat sock is blown away by the blast, making him sad. Lyle adjusts to the light and sees the three Cherubs floating down gracefully in three rays of light.]
Lyle: Oh lord, I'm being haunted by ugly orphan children now!
[Cuts to Blitzo and Moxxie recovering from the sudden blast of light. Moxxie rubs his head.]
Blitzo: Who the fuck are they?
Moxxie: Oh, no! Sir, those are…
Cletus: Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!
Lyle: I hate filthy, stinking orphan children!
Collin: We're here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir. To grant you a blessing, on behalf of those in Heaven... benefited by your amazing... technological advances.
Blitzo: (angry) Oh, HEEEELL no!
[An angry Blitzo rolls up his sleeve, hoisting his flintlock pistol at the same time. He then marches in through the window, smashing the glass instantly.] 
Blitzo: Don't listen--
[Misjudging where the floor is in relation to the window, Blitzo face-plants onto the floor, multiple glass shards sticking out of him. Moxxie enters through a door to the side, Millie peeking in.]
Moxxie: Lyle Lipton, it is our--
[Moxxie glances at Blitzo before looking back at Lyle.]
Moxxie: …humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.
Millie: I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you're old... and gross?
Keenie: Is that a serious question?
[Keenie adjusts Lyle's bedsheets, revealing his wallet full of dollar bills. Cletus grabs the wallet.]
Keenie: He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!
[Keenie flies around, grabbing Lyle's wallet from Cletus and happily throws Lyle's dollar bills in the air.]
Lyle: Nnnno!
Collin: He could pay for new hospitals and schools!
Lyle: *grips his blanket* Why won't you let me die?
[Blitzo appears beside him.]
Blitzo: Oh, sounds like ya need help offin' yourself there, buddy. Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?
[Moxxie reaches into his coat and tosses a variety of weapons to Blitzo and Lyle. They each catch an assault rifle, Blitzo also catching a crossbow with his tail.]
Moxxie: I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, Tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas--
Collin: He's classier than that!
[Lyle points the assault rifle into his mouth, before Collin takes it from him.] 
Collin: There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!
Millie: Yeah, right. Smells like he ain't been out of bed in months!
[Millie sniffs Lyle. She becomes visibly ill, covering her mouth, and holds Moxxie by the shoulder as she vomits on the floor. Moxxie pats her on the back.]
Cletus: Life can be beautiful at any age!
Keenie: And we'll show him!
Cletus, Collin, and Keenie: *cheers* Yeah!
Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie: *yells* NOOOOO--!
----
[The three cherubs roll Lyle in his bed outside to a hill overlooking a forest and a lake.]
Cletus: Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! *winks* Or wealth!
Collin: If you were to end your life, you'd be missing aaaaaall of this!
[Blitzo appears in a tiger costume.]
Blitzo: Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?
[Blitzo does a suggestive gesture with his fingers, indicating sex.]
[Keenie covers her mouth and gasps. Collin blankly stares in disbelief, and Cletus gives a disappointed look.]
Keenie: *gasps* That is so inappropriate!
[Millie and Moxxie appear in cat costumes.]
Millie: Oh, kiss our ass, prude! *flips a double bird*
[Blitzo shoves Lyle aside in the face and sits next to him.]
Blitzo: Aaaanyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.
[Blitzo grabs a pair of binoculars out of nowhere. Lyle looks through the binoculars and sees an adorable group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters are suddenly torn apart and eaten by a pack of hungry wolves.] 
Lyle: Ohhhh, noooo!
Collin: *tries to tug his binoculars away* S-Stop looking!
Lyle: *holds onto the binoculars* I CAN'T stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!
[A bear swipes a wolf to the ground. It raises a paw to attack but is then crushed by a falling tree, cut down by a beefy logger with a chainsaw. A beehive lands on the man's head and he screams, flailing his head to get the hive off while also throwing his chainsaw into the air. The chainsaw comes back down, cutting both of the man's arms off and causing him to scream harder, before his body is skewered from behind by the antlers of a charging stag as lighting flashes dramatically.]
[Everyone freezes in horror, Blitzo faking it before grinning smugly.]
Cletus: (nervously) Uhhh, let's go check out someplace else!
[Millie and Moxxie bump fists, the paws of their cat costumes squeaking.] 
----
[Cuts to a shopping mall. Lyle in his bed is pushed through the door hard enough to destroy both it and part of the wall surrounding it.]
Lyle: Oh, Lord! Where are we now?! Let me perish!
Keenie: We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for: childhood wonderment! 
[Keenie motions to a crowd of kids cheering by a sitting Santa Claus. One kid wears a "Craft Mine" shirt, while another eats his booger.]
Lyle: Why... look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin. Th- Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood... and their middle-class existence! Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this.
Blitzo: (off-screen) Hey, dipshit!
[Pans over to Blitzo and Millie dressed as elves, while a grumpy Moxxie wears a Rudolph costume. They stand by Santa with a kid in his lap.]
Blitzo: Wanna see whose lap you're sittin' on?
[Blitzo grabs Santa's beard and rips off the costume. "Santa" is revealed to be an ugly, sweaty gnome wearing a "#Cuties" shirt and underwear, making a gnome noise. The kids scream and run in terror. Lyle sobs like a baby as Collin and Keenie cover his eyes. A concerned Cletus pushes the bed away.]
Boy: (off-screen) Santa's EVIL!
----
[Scene cuts to Lyle in bed in the woods next to a crude wooden sign reading "LOVERS' LOOKOUT", a cartoon heart replacing the O in "LOVERS'". A small note underneath it, possibly written after the fact, reads "I guess…"]
Lyle: Egh! This place reeks of TEENAGERS!
Cletus: Lovers' Lookout, sir! We're here to remind you about possibly life's greatest joy of all!
Lyle: *holds up creepy, trembling grabby hands* Money!
Collin: No! Love. 
Lyle: I've never been in love before. I imagine it's quite nice!
Collin: It's not too late, sir! You can still find--
[The Imps arrive wearing wigs and dresses.]
Blitzo: HA! Nice try, ugly.
[He pulls out a megaphone.]
Blitzo: Hey, horny lovers! Which one of you would FUCK this old man?! 
[All the cars speed away in an instant. Lyle deflates, dejected.]
Collin: *gets into Blitzo's face* You know, you three are so utterly c-c-cruel! We're just trying to give hope to someone in need!
Moxxie: Oh... and you three are so superior to us just because WE want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to keel over DEAD!
[Moxxie through his hands out for emphasis.]
Blitzo: You're makin' things too real now, Moxxie.
[Blitzo walks up to Moxxie with a spray bottle labeled "PISS", adjusts the nozzle, then sprays it into Moxxie's face, causing him to flinch and hiss.] 
----
[Cuts to the inside of an auditorium. A woman dressed as a Viking sings opera on stage while wearing a fake unicorn on her lower torso. A well-dressed man plays a grand piano behind her. The cherubs and the audience are also well-dressed, though Lyle only wears a bowtie over his simple, sweat-stained hospital gown.]
Cletus: Behold! The wonder of art and music! Somethin' always there to comfort… entertain… and live for!
[Up above the stage, the three Imps look down from a catwalk near the ceiling. Blitzo wags his butt and tail like a cat.] 
Millie: So… how do we make this bad?
Moxxie: We can't. There's literally nothing bad about opera. That's fact.
Blitzo: *shaking his butt in Moxxie's face* Unless we ruin it somehow!
[With a mischievous grin, Blitzo grabs the spotlight and moves it away from the singer. The singer pauses and follows the light, resuming her song. Blitzo moves the spotlight again, and the singer again pauses to follow it.]
Lyle: She's not very good.
[Blitzo chuckles softly and moves the light faster and faster around the stage as Lyle and the cherubs narrow their eyes in suspicion. Blitzo wiggles the spotlight around aggressively, then gasps as he accidentally breaks it off entirely. The woman sings a final high note before the light crushes her on stage, smashing her to pieces and splattering blood all over the stage. The audience, Lyle, and the cherubs scream, while the pianist nervously tries to keep playing, his face drenched in sweat.]
Blitzo: Well, at least we made it bad.
[The three cherubs fly angrily up toward the Imps.]
Cletus: THAT'S IT! I HAVE HAD IT! You three monsters have messed with us enough!
Collin: D'ooh, we're just trying to do our j-j-job!
Moxxie: Well, so are we!
Cletus: EEENNNOOOUGH!
[The Cherubs summon golden crossbows and aim them at the imps.]
Cletus: We are saving that shitty old man's life, whether he wants it or not!
Blitzo: Well, someone wants that fucker dead, m'kay? And he paid in advance, and I spent it all on this…
[Blitzo reaches into his coat and pulls out a jewel-encrusted green horse figure wearing sunglasses and a "MARE-AJUANA" cap.]
Blitzo: …so he's gotta go!
[Keenie flies into Blitzo's face.]
Keenie: You all are such disgusting, loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And now, you're trying to meddle with the lives of HUMANS?!
Millie: *pushes Blitzo aside* So are you! So why don't you shut your trap, you judgmental, *pulls Keenie by her necklace and snaps it back* cotton candy, tit-havin' BITCH?!
Keenie: FILTHY DEMON CRAP! *tackles Millie*
[Intense opera music plays as the fight scene begins. Keenie and Millie roll over in a cat fight. Cletus and Collin shoot golden arrows at Blitzo and Moxxie who run away, drawing their guns in the process. Millie and Keenie roll off the catwalk. Moxxie sees them and jumps off of the catwalk, grabbing and swinging on a rope. He aims his pistol at Keenie, who is still fighting with Millie as they fall. Millie and Keenie exchange punches to the face. Moxxie aims up and fires at a rope which releases a sandbag. The sandbag slams into Keenie, separating her and Millie, and Moxxie swings over and catches Millie as Cletus and Collin chase them down, firing their crossbows. Millie grabs Moxxie's face and they stare into each other's eyes with lustful grins. They make out as they swing above the stage, Millie pulling two machine guns out of Moxxie's coat and firing as they spin rapidly. Blitzo climbs onto a catwalk and spots Millie's bra and Moxxie's bow tie fly past him. The bullets hit and kill various audience members in the first two rows, but they all miss Lyle.] 
Lyle: It's all starting to make sense now! Life is worth living because we only get one! We must cherish it! If creatures far beyond this living world are going through these lengths over my life, then certainly it's worth living! Killing myself is not the answer! Plus… I'm still rich! I can just buy all the things! [pulls out two wads of cash in triumph] I NO LONGER CRAVE DEATH!
[The audience claps happily for Lyle. Millie and Moxxie, spinning while firing their guns and being chased by Collin and Keenie, accidentally shoot a woman in the audience in the eye, killing her instantly.]
[Blitzo runs along the metal scaffolding with his flintlock pistol. He jumps onto a bit of scaffolding holding some spotlights attached to the ceiling with a rope. He and Cletus point their weapons at each other. Blitzo attempts to fire but finds his gun empty, looking at it in shock. With a wide-eyed glance at Cletus, Blitzo throws the flintlock into Cletus' face.] 
Cletus: Oof! You fucker!
[Momentarily blinded, Cletus recklessly fires an arrow, severing the rope holding up the scaffolding Blitzo is standing on and that Moxxie and Millie are swinging from. The three Imps all fall with the metal scaffolding as is smashes onto the floor of the stage, narrowly missing the pianist and cartoonishly bending a board so it holds up the piano at an angle.]
[The pianist is startled and stops playing, then straightens his bow tie, drops his stool down onto the stage, and uses it to drop down from the bent floorboard. The board then sends the piano flying through the air, breaking in the process. Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, Cletus, Collin, and Keenie follow the piano with their eyes as it falls. Lyle turns to see the piano flying straight towards him, screaming like a girl and scrambling out of his bed into a seat. Unfortunately for him, the piano suddenly shifts to his new location and crushes both him and a few corpses haphazardly shot and killed by Moxxie and Millie.]
[Moxxie grins as he sits tied up to Millie. Blitzo and the couple grin smugly.]
Moxxie: Well, well. Would'ya looook at that? You... did our job... for us. Heh!
[Millie smirks and gives the cherubs two middle fingers.]
[Cuts to the cherubs staring at Lyle's unfortunate death in utter shock. Collin gasps in horror.]
Collin: Ohhhh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my Gooood!
[Keenie grabs Collin by the shirt and slaps him across the face a few times.]
Keenie: Get a hold of yourself, Collin! And do NOT use the Lord's name in VAIN!
Cletus: (angrily) THIS... ISN'T OVER!
[Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie smirk as Keenie creates a portal to Heaven and the cherubs fly through, only to be mysteriously repelled back.]
Cletus: WHAT THE?!
[A group of cherubs descends, composed of two bees, two sheep and Deerie, the leader. The deer conjures up reading glasses and a clipboard.]
Deerie: Mmm, yeah, no, sorry, Cletus, but I'm afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I'm afraid you can't re-enter Heaven. Yeaaaah, noooo...
Cletus, Collin, & Keenie: WHAT?!?!
Deerie: (condescendingly) Yeaaaah, mmmmm, sorry! Yeaaaah, no…
Collin: Is there… anything we can do?!
[Deerie files her hoof.]
Deerie: Yeaaaah, nooo! (chuckles) Noooo, no, no.
[Deerie says "no" while pointing her hooves at Collin, Cletus and Keenie.]
Keenie: Bu- But, we didn't mean to! We'd never! It was all--
[Keenie points to the spot where I.M.P. was, only to find them gone. All three cherubs stare wide-eyed, Keenie's pointing hand trembling, whist the sound of a horrified woman screaming plays in the background.]
Deerie: Anyway, sorry, guys. But those are the rules! Yeaaaaah. Byyyye!
[Deerie does a happy wave before she and the group vanish through the portal.]
Cletus: Wait! But--
[Cletus flies toward the portal but it closes. Cletus breaks down into tears and cries.]
----
[Blitzo claps his hands together, transitioning back to the I.M.P. office.]
Blitzo: Welp, the old man wanted to live again and we didn't kill him, so we failed. Thanks to those fuckin' cherubs, he's probably up in Heaven now, so... It's a shame. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner. And now the two are forever separated, and now we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up.
Moxxie: Sir... when are you going to tell the client?
Blitzo: [holds up and points at phone] Oh, I already sent him a text, and... we're in good hands, 'cause texts don't make people angry.
[On Blitzo's phone it shows that Loopty Goopty is called "Lupis" in his contacts. The text from Loopty reads "U fail, U die.", followed with Blitzo replying "sorry" surrounded by emojis, with "saxophone emoji" typed a line below. Moxxie looks worriedly to the wall behind him. He quickly scurries out of the way as a metal escalator proceeds to crash into the office.]
Loopty: *descending the escalator* BLIIIIIITZO!
Blitzo: (worried) Loofaaaaa! We can explain everything. I was--…
[Another metal escalator crashes through the wall and squashes Moxxie as Lyle, now a mechanical demon with piano keys for teeth and a rolling ball in place of legs, arrives with a grin. Moxxie twitches stiffly in pain.]
Blitzo & Millie: (confused) Lyle Lipton?!
Millie: I don't understand. We thought you went to Heaven.
Lyle: Heaven?! You don't make millions in technological advances in robotics by NOT experimenting on the poor! [laughs]
Loopty: Oh, you no-good, HEARTLESS son of a BITCH! *turns to Blitzo* Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!
Lyle: The only question now is what do two old genius robotic inventors do now that we're in Hell?
[Wally Wackford crashes through the ceiling.]
Wally: Did someone say, I say, inventors?! Name's Wally Wackford, and I am lookin' for creative new people to exploit! [realizes what he said and twirls his mustache] I mean, employyyyy~
Blitzo: Everyone, STOP FUCKIN' UP MY WALLS! Moxxie's gonna have to fix all this shit!
[Moxxie is shown trapped, frothing at the mouth and groaning in agony.]
Blitzo: Oh, chill out, Moxxie. If you kiss my ass any harder, you'll go right inside me. Satan's balls! First we deal with Heaven's table-scraps, now this?
Wally: I guess… you can say, you say, you have a... holey operation here, Blitzo! [pronounced as spelled]
[Wally slaps his knee and laughs. Loopty scratches his neck awkwardly.]
Blitzo: (unamused) Get out.
[Wally continues laughing, doubling over onto the floor. Lyle and Loopty glance at each other awkwardly.]
Wally: Oh! I say, oh!
Blitzo: No, I'm serious. Get the FUCK OUT!
[Loopty, Lyle, Millie, and Wally all look at Blitzo, shocked and surprised by his sudden rage.]
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Category:Helluva Boss transcripts