Lisa's Substitute/Quotes

:(Bart shows the whole classroom the tape for his project called, "How Kittens Are Born: The Ugly Truth")
:Bart: …and here comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
:All: EWW!!
:Bart: We were gonna keep the gray one, but the mother ate her.
:All: EWWWWW!
:Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!
:Mrs. Krabappel: As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!
:Bart: Oh, look! This is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in.
:(The whole classroom screams)
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:Mr. Bergstrom is leading the second grade in a rendition of "Home on the Range"
:Janey: (Laughing) Pssst.
:(Lisa unfurls Janey's note to see it is a caricature of Mr. Bergstrom singing)
:Caricature #1: [THE SINGING DORK]
:(Lisa is caught by Mr. Bergstrom)
:Mr. Bergstrom: Hey, what's this? Did you do it?
:Lisa: No, it wasn't me. I would never do anything like that. It was just one of those immature people who, instead of building themselves up--
:Mr. Bergstrom: It's neat. Can I have it?
:Lisa: Yes, but I didn't do it.
:Mr. Bergstrom: Are you sure you didn't? It's good.
:Lisa: No, but I'm starting to wish I had.
:Mr. Bergstrom: (chuckles) Ladies and gentlemen: The Singing Dork.
:(Lisa gives caricature to Mr. Bergstrom, who continues the song)
:Janey: (whispering) Lisa.
:(Lisa unfurls Janey's note to see it is a caricature of herself singing)
:Caricature #2: [THE SINGING DORKETTE]
:
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:Miss Hoover: You see, class, my Lyme Disease turned out to be (Spells on blackboard) psychosomatic.
:Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy?
:Janey: No, that means she was faking it.
:Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both. You see, when a disease is in all the newspapers and TV shows, you think you have it.
:Lisa: Where is Mr. Bergstrom?!
:Miss Hoover: I do not know, but I would sure like to have a word with him! He didn't touch my lesson plan. (scoffs) What did he teach you?
:Lisa: That life is worth living.
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:Homer: Bart didn't get one vote!? Oh, this is the worst thing that could happen to us! Alright, alright, spilled milk, spilled milk, spilled milk...(to Lisa) What are you so mopey about!?
:Lisa: Nothing...
:Marge: Lisa, tell your father.
:Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left today.
:Homer: Oh?
:Lisa: He's gone. Forever.
:Homer: And?
:Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.
:Homer: HEY! Just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand!
:Lisa: I'm glad I'm not crying. Because I'd hate for you to think that what I'm about to say is based on emotion. But you, sir... are a baboon!!
:Homer: (gasp) Me!?
:Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon!
:Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying…
:Lisa: BABOON!!!! (starts crying and goes up to her room)
:Bart: Whoa! Somebody was bound to say it one day. I just can't believe it was her. 
:Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!
:Marge: Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now. There's a little girl upstairs who needs you. Her confidence in her father is shaken. And no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy. 
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:Homer: "Go Away". (he opens the door) Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called daddy a baboon?
:Lisa: No!
:Homer: Nuts.
:(sits on Lisa's dollhouse and breaks it)
:Homer: D'oh!
:Homer: This isn't going well at all.
:Lisa: Look, if you just want me to forgive you--
:Homer: No, no, no. I just wish I knew what to say.
:(Homer opens Lisa's music box and melancholy music plays)
:Homer: Although, maybe this music will help.
:Homer: Now, you lost someone special, and it hurts. I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof.
:Lisa: Oh...
:Homer: It's true.
:Homer: Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life. Lisa. There's probably someplace where they all get together, and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. Oh, well, maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse for you. At least I'm good at monkey work.
:Homer: You know? Monkey? You know what I mean?
:Lisa: Yeah.
:Homer: Bet I can hold these nails in place with my tail.
:(Homer makes monkey noises and apes about Lisa's bedroom, which makes her laugh)
:Lisa: You're so silly.
:Homer: Give me a banana.
:Lisa: I don't have any bananas.
:Homer: Come on, you're holding out on me.
:Lisa: I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.
:Homer: Think nothing of it, honey. (rubs noses with Lisa, hugs, and kisses her)
:(Enter Bart's bedroom. He is angrily throwing a rubber ball against the wall)
:Bart: (talking to himself) President prince, president princess, president priss...
:(Homer enters bedroom)
:Homer: Hey, what's the matter, son?
:Bart: Aw, Dad. if only me, Milhouse and Lewis had voted.
:Homer: Hey, son, would you have gotten any money for being class president?
:Bart: No.
:Homer: Would you have to do extra work?
:Bart: Yeah.
:Homer: And, is this Martin guy going to get to do anything neat, like throw out the first ball at the World Series? Huh?
:Bart: Well, no.
:Homer: So let the baby have his bottle, huh? That's my motto.
:(both laughing)
:Bart: Hey, thanks, monkey man.
:(Homer looks in Maggie's room. Maggie is having trouble while she's sleeping. Homer sees that her pacifier is not in her mouth, so he puts the pacifier in her mouth to help her sleep.)
es:Lisa's Substitute/Frases