Ristar 30

== Overview ==
Ristar 30 is the 30th Ristar game in the series or is it we've kinda lost count at this point. It features 3 shorter stories than normal games compacted into one game. Rumor has it that playing this game can teach you how to buy a canoe.
== Ristar Route ==
Ristar: UUUUUUUUCK YOU BALTIMORE
Harribo: Yes it was I Harribo the whole time
Ristar: Harribo why would you do this
Harribo: Because our boss told us that you fucked up the timeline by killing Kaiser Greedy’s ghost, so we had to give you not real memories to give us time to unfuck the timeline
Ristar: But the universe was destroyed in the other timeline
Harribo: Yeah well it’s a whole lot better than what’s gonna happen. Because of your timefuck this universe is now unstable and without any protection from forces outside of it, letting all sorts of chaos from beyond our understanding torment it for all eternity.
Ristar: Yeah well I’ll just protect the universe like I’ve been doing, starting with getting you out of the way
Harribo: What are you gonna do, break my legs?
Ristar breaks Harribo’s legs
Harribo: Ow my legs
Guard 12: Stop! You have committed crimes against the sewers and her people. What day you in your defense?
Ristar leaves the sewers
Ristar: Haha I got away
Steve: Hey you’re that guy who broke an innocent man’s legs
Joe: Yeah he’s been all over the news for the past 3 seconds
Harribo: There’s nowhere to run Ristar
Ristar: Hey how did you get here I broke your legs
Harribo: I drank a red bull that gave me wings
Ristar breaks Harribo’s wings
Harribo: Ow my wings
Steve: Hey he did it again
Harribo: You can’t escape, Ristar. You’re a criminal now.
Ristar: Nuh
Ristar runs to his house
Ristar: Radical Red Ristar you gotta help me I’m a criminal now you gotta do something
Radical Red Ristar: Shut up I’m watching Fist of the North Star
Ristar: Help me or I’ll change it to Dr Stone
Radical Red Ristar: No dude that has so much science in it
Ristar: Then help me
Radical Red Ristar: Okay fine
Radical Red Ristar makes a dead Ristar appear in the middle of the street
Radical Red Ristar: Boom now everyone thinks you’re dead
Ristar: Woah how did you do that
Radical Red Ristar: Bro I’ve always had reality warping powers you should know this
Ristar: O
Radical Red Ristar: Well you should probably lay low for a while and also maybe get a new name and face and identity
Ristar: I’ll just get under the coffee table
Radical Red Ristar: Whatever floats your boat
And then they watched Fist of the North Star
== Dark Ristar Route ==
Dark Ristar: Oh boy I sure do love watching the Golden Girls or do I who knows
The television blows up
Dark Ristar: DOROTHY NO
Dark Ristar: Who would do this
???: I blew up the tv with my eye beams
Dark Ristar: Ristar I told you everything I know already don’t send me back to the interrogation room
Vampire Dark Ristar: You thought I was Ristar, but it was I, the Dark Ristar from Ristar’s Bizarre Adventure who will now be referred to as Vampire Dark Ristar to avoid confusion!
Dark Ristar: Why would you kill my Golden Girls machine like that?
Vampire Dark Ristar: I was aiming for you because I want to take your place as this universe’s Dark Ristar so that I can turn it into the sequel to my non canonical game, except this time it will be canonical!
Dark Ristar: That isn’t how canon works
Vampire Dark Ristar: Shut up I’m gonna kill you with my vampire eye beams
Dark Ristar: Not if I hit you with my Emotion Beam 2.0 first
Dark Ristar: …
Dark Ristar: Where the fuck is my Emotion Beam 2.0
Vampire Dark Ristar blasts Dark Ristar into his laboratory
Dark Ristar: Fine, then I’ll just have to use my new invention, the Emotion Ray 3.0
Vampire Dark Ristar: What are you gonna do, shoot me?
Dark Ristar: No, I’m gonna shoot myself
Dark Ristar shoots himself with the Emotion Ray 3.0
Vampire Dark Ristar: Take this loser! Vampire eye beams! REEEEEEEEE!
The vampire eye beams get deflected before they hit Dark Ristar
Vampire Dark Ristar: What the frick was that
Dark Ristar: Instead of being used as a weapon, my Emotion Beam 3.0 is designed to amplify emotions. It amplified my gayness enough to give it physical form.
Vampire Dark Ristar: Yo is that a fucking stand
Dark Ristar: No it’s not a stand dumbass
Vampire Dark Ristar: Dude I know what a stand is and that’s a fucking stand
Dark Ristar: I invented it so I decide what it is, and it’s not a meldamned stand
Vampire Dark Ristar: Wrong loser
Dark Ristar throws Vampire Dark Ristar into the sun
Vampire Dark Ristar: Oh no the sun my one weakness
Vampire Dark Ristar crashes into Dark Ristar’s dungeon
Dark Ristar: Ha ha now I’m gonna do experiments on you and stuff
Vampire Dark Ristar: Frick
== Feel Route ==
Feel is standing by Mel Gibson in the remains of Ghost Town
Feel: You called me here?
Mel: Yes. I am afraid that my time is short. A powerful threat is approaching.
Feel: Yeah but you can handle it right? You’re Mel Gibson. You can do anything!
Mel: No, this force is more powerful than me. It is the embodiment of destruction.
Feel: Woah who is it
Mel: He is the final Ristar that was created by Steve Jobs and Science Guy. He was left in his test tube to grow his power, and has awoken after a bazillion years. I have already dispatched someone to stall him enough for us to have this conversation, but it is not enough. I must bid you farewell.
Feel: But Mel you can’t! You’ve been leading me along this whole time! What will I do without you?
Sunglasses Ristar falls from beyond space and time into Ghost Town, leaving a massive crater
Sunglasses Ristar: He’s coming
Mel: Listen, Feel. You are the beginning of all this. Everything that has happened, every single event that ever transpired in this timeline, it all started with you.
Feel: Please Mel I don’t want you to go
A purple figure descends from beyond space and time
Mel: Feel, you are like a son to me
Feel: Please Mel no
Mel: I love you
The purple figure reduces Mel to nothing
Omega Ristar: Yo
Feel: YOU JUST KILLED MEL
Omega Ristar: Yep
Omega Ristar: Later
Omega Ristar flies away
Sunglasses Ristar: Feel come here
Feel: What is it Sunglasses Ristar?
Sunglasses Ristar: I have seen what happens next while I was beyond space and time. Omega Ristar is the embodiment of destruction, but the universe needed to be balanced out, so it created you.
Feel: What do you mean if created me?
Sunglasses Ristar: Think back to when you were in that test tube. Do you remember anything before that point?
Feel: No not really
Sunglasses Ristar: That’s because you created that moment. You made Steve Jobs and Science Guy and the laboratory and everything else without even knowing it. You are the start to everything. Omega Ristar is the end. You are the beginning.
Alpha Feel: Oh shit I can really Feel it now
Sunglasses Ristar: Also take my sunglasses you’ll need them later
As Alpha Feel takes the sunglasses, Sunglasses Ristar fades away
Alpha Feel: Well time to see what I can do
Alpha Feel recreates Ghost Town into Neo Ghost Town
Lukemia Larry: Holy shit I’m alive
Clownboy: Yeah lets go
Creeper: Aw man
Alpha Feel: Hey you Clownboy your massive honk has the power to force beings to other locations through time and space and through different planes of existence right?
Clownboy: That is what the massive honk does yes
Alpha Feel: Cool I need you to do something for me
Omega Ristar: Hey what’s that huge surge of energy I felt
AlphaFeel: Yeah that’s me
Omega Ristar: Cool
Omega Ristar: Die
Alpha Feel: Clownboy now
Clownboy: HONK
Omega Ristar is transported to the left lens of the sunglasses
Omega Ristar: Okay well I’ll just destroy this and then destroy youu
Alpha Feel: Do it again
Clownboy: Are you sure?
Alpha Feel: Yes do it
Clownboy: HONK
Alpha Feel is transported to the right lens of the sunglasses
Omega Ristar: Hey what gives
Alpha Feel: You can’t destroy the sunglasses if I’m constantly creating them at the same rate that you destroy them. You’re stuck here bucko.
Omega Ristar: You too
Alpha Feel: Well that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make
Clownboy: So what do I do with the sunglasses now?
Alpha Feel: You can’t let them fall into any wrong hands. Protect them with your life. If anybody were to wear these cool shades, not only would they be too cool for school, but they would have the power of the two most powerful reality warpers in existence.
Lukemia Larry puts on the sunglasses
Alpha Feel: Shit
Lukemia Larry: I used the sunglasses to destroy my cells with leukemia in them and create regular ones. But I now see that such efforts are frivolous. I have glimpsed beyond our known existence and into the eternal darkness and beyond. I have viewed the beginning and the end. The end of the Ristar series.
Clownboy: Shit really?
Lukemia Larry: The end is not near, but be warned, when it comes, you will not be safe
Clownboy: Will you ever come back?
Lukemia Larry: No
Alpha Feel: So I guess that’s that
Omega Ristar: Where we goin?
Lukemia Larry: Everywhere and nowhere, friend, everywhere and nowhere
Omega Ristar: Sounds fun
Alpha Feel: Goodbye, everyone
Lukemia Larry disappears into the eternal void of the night, never to be seen again
== Post credits scene ==
Harribo drives his motorized wheelchair into a large office
Harribo: Now that Ristar is dead, nobody can get in the way of saving the universe
???: Ristar isn’t dead idiot he’s just in hiding
Harribo: How do you know that
???: His corpse was made of beans
Harribo: Oh yeah, people aren’t usually made of those
???: It doesn’t matter, he won’t get in our way now
Garstar: Yeah whats he gonna do in hiding
Harribo: It looks like our plan is all coming together, Mr Egg
Mr Egg: Yes I am the boss who is a psychic egg in a tiny tuxedo
Garstar: You don’t have to say that every time
Mr Egg: Yes I do
== Trivia ==
* If you wait long enough at the end of the Ristar route, Ristar and Radical Red Ristar finish watching Fist of the North Star and start watching Sword Art Online
** They then both call it shit and watch One Piece instead
* Dark Ristar’s stand is called Phantom Limb
** No it’s not because it’s not a stand
*** It kinda is
**** Fuck you it’s not
* Lukemia Larry is never seen in another Ristar game ever again
* Garstar makes his first appearance since Ristar 3 even though nobody remembers that he exists
Category:Games