The Krillanon Collection

The Krillanon Collection is a complete collection of every episode of NKC's 2nd Season. It was released March 28th, 2021. Every episode in this collection was written by Locknloaded23.
==Episodes Included==
*Rex's Rehab
*Plankton's Awakening
*Krillanon
*MKFC
*Make NKC Greater Than It Already Was!
*New Kelp Anarchy
*The Aftermath
==Script==
Rex's Rehab
(The episode begins with an outside shot of the New Kelp City Rehab center. Fade in to a group of fish sitting in chairs in a circle, with a therapist watching)
Therapist: I’d like to thank you all for coming. Now, I know you all have very deep and personal problems, and that’s what we’re here to cure. With a little help, you can overcome these bad addictions. So… Who’d like to go first?
(A blue fish stands up from his chair)
Therapist: Yes, and what’s your name?
Fish: Hi… My name is, uh, Rex.
Attendees: (in unison) Hi, Rex.
Therapist: Now, tell us, Rex, why are you here today?
Rex: Listen, I don’t really think I have much of a problem. I mean, I was-
Therapist: (interrupting) Rex, the first stage to recovery is acceptance.
Rex: (sighs) I guess you’re right. Let me, uh, start over. (clears throat) Hi, my name is Rex.
Attendees: (in unison) Hi, Re-
Rex: You don’t need to do that again. (clears throat) anyways, I have a crippling addiction to… crack cocaine. I depend on it to live. Every second I’m not snorting it, I am in misery. It all came to a head weeks ago…
(Fade to Rex looking around his house for cocaine)
Rex: hmmmm.
Plankton: (on computer) what’s the matter, Rex?
Rex: I can’t seem to find my cocaine.
Plankton: Well, where’s the last place you had it?
Rex: Well, I- (sees Plankton on his laptop) Plankton, please tell me you’re not on one of those stupid conspiracy forums again.
Plankton: Me? Oh, no, no no- I am only on here because I like seeing how stupid these people are.
Rex: Plankton, just please, PLEASE, be careful, okay? I’d hate for you to fall for that stupid shit.
(cut back to the present)
Therapist: If you don’t mind, Rex, could we skip ahead to what you did in particular?
Rex: Oh, sorry.
(fades back to Rex in his house; he is angrily storming around the house, destroying stuff)
Rex: WHERE. THE. (Dolphin noise). IS IT?!
Plankton: Rex, you’re scaring me, man!
Rex: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A (repeated series of dolphin noises)?!
(Kicks Plankton so hard, he goes flying through the window)
Rex: WHERE IS IT!!!!!! (screams at the top of his lungs)
(Zoom out to reveal that SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Plankton and Sandy are watching this unfold)
Squidward: So, who wants to go in there?
SpongeBob: Are you kidding? He’s completely off the rails! If we went in there we’d probably be severely injured!
Squidward: (glancing at Plankton’s computer) Plankton, why are you on one of those conspiracy forums?
Plankton: I keep telling you. I like making fun of these idiots! God, must I keep having to explain that?
Sandy: This is getting out of hand, y’all. We need to send Rex to some sort of rehab center!
(Rex shouts at the top of his lungs as he launches his TV out the window)
Sandy: and FAST.
(fade back to present)
Rex: …and that’s how I got here. My friends sent me here after a long talk about my… destructive behavior.
(everyone claps)
Therapist: Thank you, Rex. You may sit down.
(Rex sits back in his seat)
(Zoom out of the rehab center; fade to Rex’s destroyed house. The gang are standing outside it)
Squidward: So, I guess we have to clean this place up now.
Patrick: aw, why us?
Squidward: Well, because Rex isn’t here to do it. And as his friends, we owe him to- (Notices Plankton on his computer) Plankton, you’ve been spending an awfully long time on that stupid forum.
Plankton: God DAMNIT, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? I JUST LIKE MAKING FUN OF THESE PEOPLE!
Squidward: But, it looks like you have an account on there.
Plankton: (shuts his laptop) Why don’t you mind your own business?
Squidward: Um, okay?
SpongeBob: Everyone, stop talking and start cleaning. We owe Rex this.
Krabs: Well, why do we owe Rex when he was the one who-
SpongeBob: Shut up! I’M A GOOD FRIEND! I’M A GOD DAMN GOOD FRIEND! (screams loud while falling to his knees, picking up grass and shoving it in his mouth. Everyone watches in silence, and when he is done they have no words)
Sandy: Um… Anyways, let’s get to work.
(they all step inside, and clean up all the destruction Rex caused. A little while later, they’re outside the house, admiring their work)
SpongeBob: Wow! We did so much better than I expected we would.
Sandy: You said it! (Slaps SpongeBob’s back, and he starts shouting several swear words censored by dolphin chirps)
Krabs: Jeez, boyo. Where did you learn such foul language?
SpongeBob: Well, Squidward calls me a (several dolphin chirps in a row) all the time.
Krabs: (stares at Squidward) Oh, he did, did he?
Squidward: No, no, I- I would never- You see-
Plankton: (offscreen) Oh my god, do you guys ever SHUT UP?
(They all glare at Plankton, who is still on his laptop)
Krabs: Plankton… Are you still on that stupid conspiracy forum?
Plankton: (slams fist on keyboard) YES, I AM! And I will have you know, these aren’t “stupid.” In fact, many of the stuff these people are saying are actually pretty convincing!
Krabs: Oh, brother…
Sandy: Plankton, you really need to get off those websites. Who knows what they’re doing to you?
Plankton: YOU F(dolphin curp)ERS JUST DON’T GET IT! F(dolphin chirp) YOU, I’M OUT.
(Plankton shuts his laptop and angrily storms off)
SpongeBob: Great, I can’t wait to see how THIS goes.
Krabs: Squidward, you better go after him and try to talk him out of it.
Squidward: What?! Why ME?!
Krabs: You were the first person to come to mind. (shoves Squidward) Now go!
(Squidward mumbles as he walks offscreen angrily)
Krabs: AND WATCH YOUR MOUTH! Jeez, it’s like I’m running a sailor bar in here.
(Fade back to the rehab)
Therapist: Rex, I’m glad you’re open about your issue.
Rex: yeah… I’ve known that it’s been a problem for a long while. I was always in denial.
Therapist: Now, in order to cure your addiction for good… I think you’ll need to go a week without any form of drugs, to prove to yourself that you don’t need to depend on that stuff to be happy.
Rex: Oh, no.
Plankton's Awakening
(cut to black; Fade to Plankton in a barely lit room, on his laptop. He is noticeably unkempt, and there are soda cans lying all over the floor. Plankton is mindlessly clicking and typing away)
Plankton: what else about the government do I not know… i must know more… (shakes computer) I MUST. KNOW. MORE!
(Fade to the outside of the room, SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs are standing outside his door)
Squidward: So, he's in there?
Krabs: Yeah. He has been reading a ton of those awful conspiracy theory forums. He says he doesn't actually believe that crap, but… He hasn't left his room in days.
SpongeBob: But I thought you hated Plankton.
Krabs: No shit I do. But that doesn't mean I can't be concerned for his well-being. We all need to talk him out of this.
(Cut back to Plankton in his room. He takes a sip of soda as he gags, coughs, and make generally otherworldly noises)
Plankton: All the pieces are coming into place… no wonder why they lied…
(There is a knock on his door. Plankton screams, and the gang slowly walk inside)
Krabs: heyyyyyy, Plankton.
Plankton: WHADDAYA WANT?
Krabs: Well, uh…
Squidward: We're here to talk to you about your latest… is addiction an appropriate word?
Plankton: addiction? ADDICTION? WHAT FUCKING ADDICTION?! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY GODDAMN ROOM!
SpongeBob: well, uh, we've noticed… uh…
Krabs: we've noticed you've been spending a whole lotta time on those conspiracy theory forums. We are all very worried about how much time you spend reading them.
Plankton: ARE YOU SUGGESTING I HAVE A PROBLEM? IS THAT WHAT YOURE SUGGESTING? HOW MANY GODDAMN, MOTHERFUCKNG PIECE OF SHIT TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANY OF THIS! I JUST READ TO MAKE FUN!
Krabs: Plankton, you haven't left your room in days, and there are soda cans all over the damn floor.
Plankton: thats it. GET. OUT.
Krabs: but-
Plankton: GET OUT!!!!
(They all sulk out the door, but Squidward stops in the hallway before walking back in)
Squidward: Hey, I'm just wondering…
Plankton: Didn't I tell you to scram?
Squidward: Oh, yeah, but I just wanted to ask, since I am a little curious… What are these forums saying anyway?
Plankton: Get ready to have your mind blown.
(Squidward begins reading with Plankton, periodically nodding, until they both gasp)
Plankton: No. Way.
Squidward: I had no idea…
(Fade to Rex walking out of rehab)
Rex: A week… without cocaine… a week… Without cocaine…
(Krabs and SpongeBob walk by)
Krabs: Oh, is that Rex? Hi, Rex! I haven't seen you since your little, uh, outburst.
Rex: (weakly) oh, hi SpongeBob and Krabs.
SpongeBob: And Squidward, you forgot- (notices Squidward isn't with them) hey, where's Squidward?
Krabs: Who knows? Maybe he went home to play his awful clarinet.
SpongeBob: huh.
Krabs: So, anyways, how are you doing, Rex? How's your addiction?
Rex: Well… they're fixing it pretty well, but… I have to go a week without cocaine to prove I can do it.
Krabs: We're sure you can do it. Can't be too hard, right?
Rex: I dunno. That stuff meant so much to me. I don’t wanna have a breakdown let on by a withdrawal.
SpongeBob: Well, we’re here for you.
Rex: Really?
Krabs: No, he’s just saying that to sound good.
(SpongeBob slaps Krabs)
Rex: Well, fuck you too. I’m going ho- (facepalms) DAMNIT! I forgot I destroyed my house!
Krabs: Oh, we helped clean it for you.
Rex: What, really?
Krabs: Yep.
Rex: Thanks, you two. I’m gonna go home.
Krabs: Wait, before you go, if you see Plankton, please watch what he’s doing. He’s been very on the fritz lately.
Rex: Uh, why?
Krabs: He’s been reading lots of stupid conspiracy theory forums, claiming he “just wants to make fun of them.”
Rex: Oh, god, he was doing that before I destroyed my home.
Krabs: Really?
Rex: Yup. Anyways, I’m off. (walks off)
SpongeBob: Oh, maybe we should check to see what Squidward is up to.
Krabs: ehh, nah. I'm way too tired. (Walks off)
SpongeBob: eh, me too. (Walks off as well)
(Fade to Rex pacing around his own house. We see several clips of Rex thinking about cocaine, going crazy trying to stop himself from doing it, and shivering in the corner. The sun goes down)
Rex: Good. Good. Day 1 complete. Wait..
Only day 1? Fucking shit… this is gonna kill me…
Krillanon
(Fade to Squidward and Plankton on the computer)
Plankton: Squidward, am I glad you were willing to open your eyes to the stupid fucking bullshit that the government is trying to hide from us.
Squidward: I'm just curious is all. I've heard these conspiracies before, but never went out of my way to research it.
Plankton: You came to the right man.
Squidward: Weren't you just doing this to make fun of them anyway?
Plankton: Listen, I'll be frank, I was lying out my ass.
Squidward: Yeah, I figured.
Plankton: Right now, I am reading up on the lie of the shape of the Earth.
Squidward: That it's flat?
Plankton: Precisely! And check this: (tilts computer towards Squidward) Vaccines are harmful to your body!
Squidward: What? That's total malarkey.
Plankton: That's what I said too! Until I researched it myself, and I was shocked at what I found was inside those things. (Whispering to Squidward) Unborn fetuses.
(Squidward stumbles backwards in shock and vomits all over the carpet)
Squidward: Uh… Sorry.
Plankton: It's fine, I ain't cleaning that. And on the topic of vaccines… people who get vaccinated against the diseases will still end up getting them anyway! Doesn't that strike you as odd?
Squidward: I mean, I guess.
Plankton: Still not on my side?
Squidward: This whole thing just seems too… wackjob for me.
Plankton: C’moooooon, stick around.
Squidward: I really shouldn’t-
Plankton: You know you want to.
Squidward: But I-
Plankton: Stop lying to yourself.
Squidward: (Ponders a bit before sighing) alright, I’ll bite the damn bullet.
Plankton: Right choice, my friend.
(Squidward hesitantly slouches in front of the computer)
Squidward: So… What’re you looking at this time? I mean, from the 10 seconds I wasn’t at the computer.
Plankton: You see, some guy on this current forum I’m on suggested me to this other forum - I think they called it “Krillanon.”
Squidward: Krillanon? Sounds interesting. Let’s check it out.
(Plankton clicks on the link, and they are sent to a forum full of ultra-patriotic images and forum titles)
Plankton: Yeesh. Who the Hell designed this website?
Squidward: We should just get off this place now.
Plankton: No, wait- I see something labeled “info.”
(Plankton clicks on the link, and he begins reading)
Plankton: (Reading) “Welcome to Krillanon, a forum dedicated to exposing the truth.”
Squidward: Well, it's managed to catch MY interest, I dunno about you.
Plankton: (Continuing reading) “The government is tricking the stupid and uneducated masses, and it’s time we rise up. The last election for president of Bikini Bottom? Total fraud.”
Squidward: Now, that’s so ridiculous. Who buys into this crap?
Plankton: Me. Now let me read the rest - maybe there’s something in there. (Continues to read) “If you actually take a moment to read the ballots for the election, it doesn’t add up at all. Rampant voter fraud has ensured that the neptune-chosen president, President Mollusk, does not assume position in office. Welcome to Krillanon, a forum dedicated to exposing the truth.”
Squidward: Holy shit - I fucking KNEW something was a little fishy about the election! Holy shit! It’s so obvious!
Plankton: I can’t believe this- this makes too much sense! Holy shit, we gotta read more.
(The 2 begin reading up more and more, until Squidward is an unkempt mess)
Squidward: This. Was. Eye-opening.
Plankton: You said it! God damn, I can’t believe they’d lie about something so big.
Squidward: Those bastards!
Plankton: God, what time even is it?
Squidward: (checks watch) …4:27 AM.
Plankton: Oh shit, we’ve been reading for that fucking long?
Squidward: seems so. Well, time well spent right?
Plankton: Exactly! Except, I’m really hungry.
Squidward: Well, it technically is morning. I’m gonna go eat some Kelp-o.
Plankton: But the milk is expired.
(Cut to Squidward in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal)
Squidward: (glances at cereal, sighs) shit.
(Fade to Rex at his own house; he is sitting on his rocking chair, with stoic eyes and cracked lips)
Rex: One week. That’s all! Just one week. You can do it, Rex. One week without cocaine. Just one week. The rehab guy said you can do it. Hold in there, buddy. It’s just one week… one week.. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week.
(Fade into his mouth as he says this, where it is a pitch black void; Rex is seen doing multiple shots of cocaine, while “one week” is repeatedly chanted. After a while, Rex just screams, and the camera fades out of his house as the screen fades to black)
MKFC
(Fade to Rex at his own house; he is sitting on his rocking chair, with stoic eyes and cracked lips)
Rex: One week. That’s all! Just one week. You can do it, Rex. One week without cocaine. Just one week. The rehab guy said you can do it. Hold in there, buddy. It’s just one week… one week.. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week. One week.
Narrator: And now, for the next episode:
(Fade to Rex in his house, on his rocking chair, very unkempt. He glances at his calendar slowly, sees that it has been 6 days since he has been off of cocaine, then grips his rocking chair)
Rex: YOU. JUST. GOT. TO. LAST. ONE. MORE. DAY.
(Rex agonizingly looks at the clock on the wall, and it seems to slow down with every tick)
Rex: ONLY… ONE MORE… GOD DAMN… HOUR…
(Rex paces back and forth impatiently, waiting for the hour to be up. After a while, it fades to the clock striking Midnight, and Rex out of nowhere becomes stout and happy)
Rex: I DID IT! I WENT ONE WEEK! ONE WEEK! ONE WEEK! (laughs like a maniac, before he collapses on the floor. Zoom in on his face, where drool is dripping out his mouth, and he twitches uncontrollably. He begins coughing, spazzing, and making gibberish noises for a while, until he once again collapses on the floor. He then musters enough strength to lift himself off the floor, and he walks slowly to the front door, opening it. A big grin grows on his face, as the screen fades to Mr. Krabs watching TV in his own apartment)
Krabs: Man, I hate the stupid fucking drivel they show in this town. Don’t they have any good TV shows on these things?
(Mr. Krabs flips through several channels, until he sighs angrily and turns the TV off)
Krabs: Man, sometimes I just hate this town. Absolutely nothing good on the TV, and the seafood restaurants are so morally unethical that it makes me shell crack. Why are there so many damn seafood restaurants in this city? Do the police know of this?
(Krabs suddenly gets a knock on his door. When he opens it, he sees a short man in a business suit)
Krabs: Can I help you?
Man: Hello, I am the owner of this apartment.
Krabs: Yeah, and?
Man: Krabs, you have not paid a single one of your bills.
Krabs: And?
Man: Mister. Eugene Krabs, you need to pay your bills if you want to live here.
Krabs: Well, how was I supposed to know that? And you never told me I had to pay my bills.
Man: We’ve told you several times now, and your response was always “Yeah, I’ll get that for you later.” Hey, I wanted to ask something: which knee is your good knee?
Krabs: Uh… What?
(The landlord takes out a baseball bat and slams it into Krabs’ left knee, making Krabs fall to the floor, screaming in pain)
Krabs: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU????
Man: I’m not fucking around, Eugene. PAY. YOUR. DAMN. BILLS. If you don’t, I will not only take your house, but your right knee as well. You have until next week.
Krabs: (weakly) How much do I owe you…
Man: $600. I expect to see this money by next week. Good day, SIR.
(The landlord slams the door shut as Krabs continues writhing in pain. He eventually stands up and groans in pain)
Man: (opening door yet again, holding a paper) Oh, by the way, this was on your porch. (Gives Krabs the letter as he threateningly holds his bat and slowly creeks the door shut)
Krabs: (weakly opening the letter, reading it) God damnit, it’s the fucking IRS! Those buggers are always asking for my damn money. (Angrily sighs as he falls on his couch. He looks at his watch, and sighs again) Maybe the bank’ll help. I could take out a loan and start a small business, or something.
(Krabs limps out the door.Fade to NKC’s bank. Mr. Krabs is sitting in front of a banker)
Banker: Let me get this straight: You expect to get a loan from us?
Krabs: Yeah, why?
Bankers: Krabs, last time you made a loan, you failed to pay it back. All 3 times.
Krabs: 3? That’s obviously an over exaggeration.
Banker: No, it’s the truth. We won’t hand you loans if you aren’t gonna pay them. Please get out. (Looks at Krabs’ knee) Yikes, did the Landlord get you?
Krabs: Yeah?
Banker: You’d better pay him back, Krabs. SECURITY!
(2 security officers take Krabs off and throws him out)
Krabs: Great. Terrific. Just fucking fantastic all around. Now I’m gonna lose me house and both of me kneecaps, as well as face jailtime. (long angry sigh before punching the ground, stands up and walks off) I might as well just move back to Bikini Bottom, under a new name.
(Krabs continues walking, but following him is a man in a trenchcoat. The man taps Krabs’ shoulder, and Krabs immediately assumes a defensive position)
Krabs: WHO’S THERE? I AM NOT AFRAID TO BEAT A BITCH UP!
Trenchcoat man: Woah, relax! I’m not here to rob you. I’m here to help you.
Krabs: Help? How can you help? I am in so much debt, I-
Trenchcoat man: (putting finger to Krabs’ lips) shhhhhhhhh. Just listen.
Krabs: May I ask who you are?
Trenchcoat man: Keep this between us; I was one of the Bubble-Poppin’ Boys.
Krabs: WHAT?!
Trenchcoat: KEEP IT DOWN! After we were beaten by some yellow guy, we were so embarrassed, we ended the gang. I have no idea where the other guys ended up.
Krabs: And why are you confronting me here?
Trenchcoat: Well, I heard you were having… financial difficulties. And I wanted to… offer you a job for a large sum of money.
Krabs: How much?
Trenchcoat: 10 thousand dollars.
Krabs: HOLY SHIT! WHAT DO I GOTTA DO?
Trenchcoat: You see, I run a… website, where we host videos for people with very specific fetishes. On this website, we have a… necrophilia section. And we don’t have enough necrophiles. This is where you come in.
Krabs: Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT! Are you asking me to… fuck corpses? No! No way! That’s way too outlandish even for me! Take your business elsewhere!
Trenchcoat: Don’t forget the money.
(sudden cut to Krabs in an old, dirty apartment; in front of him is a cameraman. Krabs is completely naked)
Krabs: So… I’m cold. Can we get the corpse here quickly? I’m freezing!
Trenchcoat: (dropping corpse to the floor) We’re live in 3… 2…
Krabs: Wait, I know this guy - he refused to pay $10 extra for a Krabby Patty! Oh, I’m gonna enjoy this.
Trenchcoat: (annoyed) Starting over. 3…2…1… You’re live!
(Krabs begin having sex with the corpse; zoom out to show Harold on his computer, watching Krabs completely destroy the corpse. He slams his hand on the lube, and says “This is the best day I’ve ever had.”)
(cut to Krabs dropping the corpse to the floor)
Krabs: Holy fuck, what a thrill! I can see the appeal in this.
Trenchcoat: (Approaching Krabs) Krabs, you were TERRIFIC! You are the best damn necrophile we’ve ever had!
Krabs: When do I get to fuck corpses next?
Trenchcoat: You’re scheduled for tomorrow to fuck another corpse. Keep up the good work! (Drops a pile of money in Krabs’ hand. Krabs pants like a dog as he runs out his door yelling “Wahoo!”)
(Fade to Krabs mailing the IRS his tax returns)
Krabs: And that takes care of THAT. and now for my other problem.
Landlord: (approaches Krab with a baseball bat in hand) So, Krabs… You got my money? (Krabs throws $600 in his hands, and the Landlord is so shocked he accidentally tumbles down the stairs)
Krabs: Oh my god! Oh my fucking god!
(Krabs runs down the stairs, and sees the Landlord is out cold)
Krabs: I gotta call a doctor, quick! (Krabs sweats in place, when he then gets an idea, looks down at the Landlord, and smiles) I may need preparation for tomorrow’s job… I’m sure nobody will know he’s missing.
(Krabs clumsily drags the body upstairs, and into his apartment. He shuts the blinds. Fade to Squidward and Plankton, on their computer)
Plankton: Squidward, check this out! There’s gonna be a Krillanon rally downtown! In our city!
Squidward: Holy shit! When does it say it’s happening?
Plankton: Tomorrow, at 5:00 PM!
Squidward: Tomorrow? What day is that?
Plankton: January 6.
(dramatic music cue as the episode immediately fades to black)
Make NKC Greater Than It Already Was!
Fade to Squidward and Plankton, on their computer)
Plankton: Squidward, check this out! There’s gonna be a Krillanon rally downtown! In our city!
Squidward: Holy shit! When does it say it’s happening?
Plankton: Tomorrow, at 5:00 PM!
Squidward: Tomorrow? What day is that?
Plankton: January 6.
Narrator: And now, the next part:
(fade to Squidward and Plankton packing their bags)
Squidward: So, where is this rally taking place?
Plankton: I dunno. The invitation said somewhere downtown.
Squidward: Wait, you don’t even know where this damn thing is taking place?
Plankton: I’m sure if we walk aimlessly downtown, we’ll find it. Now, do you have your gear?
(Squidward is shown wearing a Bikini Bottom cape, a red hat with white text, as well as red white and blue facepaint)
Squidward: You know it.
(Plankton shuts his briefcase shut and holds a Bikini Bottom flag)
Squidward: Looking fine!
Plankton: Wait’ll you see what I brought, just for emergencies.
(Squidward is shocked when Plankton pulls out a handgun)
Squidward: A handgun?! Why are you bringing a handgun?!
Plankton: Never know when one of these puppies will come in handy.
Squidward: Plankton, we’re just attending a rally; we don’t need weapons!
Plankton: Quit your whining, and take one of my many handguns!
Squidward: Uh, many?
Plankton: Yes, many. They’re in that drawer.
(Squidward opens the drawer and sees that it’s full of handguns)
Squidward: Plankton, why do you have this many guns?
Plankton: I collect them. It’s one of my hobbies.
Squidward: But you can build laser beams, and other cool shit. Why do you need guns?
Plankton: Stop questioning, and just grab a damn gun!
(Squidward hesitantly grabs a gun from the drawer, and places it in his pocket)
Plankton: Now, let’s go to-
(There is a knock on the door)
Plankton: Oh, who the hell could be knocking? It better not be those freaks telling me to lay off the forums again. Squidward, go get the door for me, so I don’t have to hear a damn lecture again.
Squidward: (Sighs) fine.
(Squidward opens the door, and at the door is Rex with an ear-to-ear smile. Squidward is shocked at the sight of this, and lets out a scream)
Rex: Hi, Squidward! Why are you screaming?
Squidward: I’m sorry, Rex, but I’ve never seen you like this before. Your smile, it’s really putting me off.
Rex: Oh, you don’t need to worry about my smile! It’s a beautiful day! I just wanted to check up on you!
Squidward: Rex, what happened? What did you do?
Rex: I had to spend an agonizing week not doing cocaine! And look how better it’s made me!
Squidward: “Better” isn’t the word I’d use.
Rex: What word would you use?
Squidward: Fuckin’ creepy. (Slams the door on Rex’s face)
Rex: Oh well, can’t win ‘em all. (Walks off, whistling)
Plankton: Who was that?
Squidward: Oh, that was Rex. He is… changed.
Plankton: Changed, how?
Squidward: I think if I describe it, I’ll vomit, so you’ll either have to see for yourself or take my word for it.
Plankton: (shrugging) works for me. Now let’s go. We’re burning daylight!
(They both hurry out the door. Fade to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street together)
Patrick: …And that’s what really pisses me off about it. What really is stopping me from masturbating in the public park? The law doesn’t mean shit!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you are so disgusting.
(Suddenly, Rex jumps in front of them, and they both scream)
SpongeBob: Oh, Rex! You scared us!
Rex: Hi, SpongeBob and Patrick! How’s your day?
SpongeBob: Uh, good?
Patrick: You seem more cheery than normal.
Rex: Oh, don’t mind that. I’m just glad to be off the stuff!
SpongeBob: Wait, do you mean-
Rex: Yes!
Patrick: We’re so used to seeing you bitter. This is kinda creeping me out.
Rex: Squidward told me the same thing!
SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward? We haven’t seen him in ages. Where is he?
Rex: Oh, he’s at Plankton’s.
SpongeBob: Oh god, I hope he didn’t get sucked into Plankton’s bullshit. Oh, uh, Rex, while you’re here, do you know where Krabs lives?
Rex: Yeah, why?
SpongeBob: Patrick and I wanted to visit him! We haven’t seen him in a while.
Rex: He live in that apartment over there. I visited him earlier, he was kinda busy.
SpongeBob: Busy? Doing what?
Rex: I dunno, but he sure was naked. Have a nice day! (whistles as he walks off)
Patrick: That… was creepy.
SpongeBob: Let’s agree to forget that happened, and let’s go to Krabs’ place.
Patrick: But did he say he was naked?
SpongeBob: I’m hoping he just wasn’t seeing straight.
(They approach Krabs’ door. Inside, Krabs’ living room is completely dark, and he is having sex with his landlord’s corpse. He jumps in fear when he hears a knock on the door. Cut to outside, where SpongeBob is knocking)
SpongeBob: krabs? Krabs? You in there? (Jiggles the door handle, realizes it’s unlocked) Oh, it’s not locked. Let’s go in!
Patrick: Sure, just go invade someone’s privacy like that.
SpongeBob: Shut up, Patrick.
(They both slowly creek open the door. SpongeBob feels for the lightswitch, and when he turns it on, he and Patrick gasp in fear when they realize Mr. Krabs is having sex with his Landlord’s corpse. Patrick stumbles out the door, and vomits off the balcony)
Krabs: BOYO! I, UH, CAN EXPLAIN!
SpongeBob: KRABS, WHAT IN NEPTUNE’S NAME ARE YOU DOING!
Krabs: JUST, LET ME EXPLAIN!
(Patrick continues vomiting in the background)
SpongeBob: Please do explain!
Patrick: (Offscreen, crying) Oh god, my innocence! (vomits once more)
Krabs: Listen, boy - I was just struggling financially, and this dude in a trenchcoat offered me money if I were to film myself having sex with corpses, but the rush of it just wouldn’t go away!
SpongeBob: Did you kill that poor man so you could fuck his corpse?
Krabs: No! He’s my landlord. He fell down the stairs, so-
SpongeBob: So you took his body to your room and started having sex with him?
Krabs: Yes..?
SpongeBob: Krabs, no matter how you explain that, it will never not sound fucked.
Patrick: (offscreen) Jesus Sandal, I’m sorry for any and all sins I may have committed! (Vomits again)
SpongeBob: So wait, you’re saying some dude in a trenchcoat gave you money to do this? Do you know who it was?
Krabs: Keep it between you and me, and also promise you won’t call the cops on me if I tell you.
SpongeBob: Hmmm. okay.
Krabs: They claimed they were one of the Bubble Popping Boys.
SpongeBob: Hold up, for real? I ran those guys out of town years ago!
Krabs: Yeah, they did mention being defeated by some yellow guy.
SpongeBob: Was he with the others?
Krabs: No, he was by himself. Now, uh, please, leave me alone.
SpongeBob: I will… attempt to refrain myself from calling the police.
Krabs: Just, get out please.
(SpongeBob backs out the door slowly)
Patrick: (Queasily) How’d your little talk go…
SpongeBob: Well, to put it lightly, I don’t think I will need to be eating anything for the next… month. Maybe 4.
Patrick: (weakly) I just puked out the entire contents of my stomach, so I’ll be good, I think.
SpongeBob: Let’s go.
(they both walk off holding their stomachs, when Squidward and Plankton, riding Squidward’s shoulder, bumps into Patrick)
Squidward: Patrick? What-
(Patrick vomits all over Squidward’s face, so he begins walking off)
Squidward: Goodbye.
SpongeBob: Aren’t you gonna at least telling us where you’re going, or what you’re doing?
Squidward: No, just forget it.
SpongeBob: Okay, let’s just go.
(They walk off. Cut to show Squidward and Plankton walking)
Plankton: (points offscreen) Look! There’s the rally!
(There is a large group of Krillanon supporters all screaming, holding signs and chanting)
Squidward: Looks like we’re just in time.
(They go into the rally, and begin chanting; The crowd begins walking a little bit)
Squidward: Where are we going?
Plankton: Beats me. Just follow the crowd.
(The mob walks to a cop car, and they all flip it over and begin beating it up to pieces, setting it on fire, while planting a flag over it)
Squidward: Holy shit! These people are insane! We gotta go, Plankton!
(Plankton fires a handgun in the air, stunning Squidward)
Squidward: Plankton! What the hell?
Plankton: I live for this shit, you wuss! Grab a gun and start firing!
(Squidward grabs his gun, and fires it into the air; mutliple rally members cheer, as Squidward grows a smile on his face)
Squidward: That felt good! I totally get this now!
Krillanon Rallier: Let’s show the big government who’s boss! Stop the steal!
(they all begin cheering, including Squidward and Plankton, who laugh evily as the camera zooms in on both of their faces, while they’re still laughing; Fade to Rex walking down the street, when he sees cocaine in the trash bin. He begins sweating a little bit)
Rex: No, no. That’s behind me now. (Slowly walks off. As he continues walking, he sweats more and more, until he drops to his knees, throwing up) RESIST IT! RESIST IT! YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT! WHAT DID YOU GO TO REHAB FOR? (Struggles to continue walking, as he walks off screen. He then stares at the trash can, when in the background there’s a big explosion)
Rex: What the hell?
(Rex looks in the distance and sees Krillanon ralliers destroying everything in their sight, shooting windows, and setting fire to cars)
Rex: That son of a bitch, I told him not to go on those websites.
(cut to Krabs in his apartment; he is no longer having sex with his Landlord’s corpse, but he hears commotion outside, and sees that there is a massive fire raging through the city, bodies laying out in the street)
Krabs: Oh my god! What the hell is going on out there?! I gotta hide! (Glances out the window once more) But… But… So many corpses to fuck…
(Krabs begins sweating profusely)
(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick still walking, when they see the rampage going on. SpongeBob lets out an annoyed sigh, as they promptly turn around and start walking the other direction, as the screen fades to black)
New Kelp Anarchy
(fade to NKC in turmoil; Krillanon supporters are destroying the city, buildings are on fire, and Perch Perkins is in the middle of it all)
Perch: This is Perch Perkins, reporting from New Kelp City. There is currently a riot breaking out in the city, and I wish I was still in Bikini Bottom because I feel every second I am here my life is in danger.
(A rioter grabs a trashcan and hits Perch on the head so hard he falls to the ground)
Perch: (Weakly, in pain) Now back to you, Phil… (the rioter suddenly begins beating Perch up more)
(Sudden cut to the Bikini Bottom News Station, where a news anchor sits on the desk)
Phil: Thank you, Perch. Now onto the sports.
(Cut back to New Kelp; Rex is watching the carnage in fear)
Rex: I TOLD THAT MOTHERFUCKER TO NOT GO ON THOSE GOD DAMN WEBSITES! (Facepalms) I knew this would happen! God damnit!
(a trashcan rolls next to his feet)
Rex: Oh, what’s this?
(Rex picks up the trashcan, and inside is some cocaine; he drops the trashcan out of shock)
Rex: NO! NO! NO! NEVER AGAIN! (Violently kicks the trashcan away) I CAN’T GO BACK DOWN THAT PATH! NEVER! (Shakes a bit, runs towards the trashcan screaming, and grabs the cocaine out violently; he is about to sniff it when he realizes what he’s doing) I can’t do this! What am I thinking?? (Blankly stares at the cocaine for a few seconds) …but it brought me joy with every sniff. Maybe just one, and -
(suddenly, a Krillanon rioter comes out of nowhere and steals Rex’s cocaine, snorting it right in front of his face, running off with bloodshot eyes screaming)
Rex: (holding back frustrations, deep exhale) it’s okay; that was for your better. You will never go back to the stuff. Just walk away.
(Rex hesitantly walks away; camera follows him, until he walks past Krabs’ apartment. Krabs can be seen staring out his window. Fade in to krabs inside)
Krabs: So much mayhem… oh god… my war flashbacks! (falls to his knees, holding his head, struggling and screaming) SO MANY INNOCENT PEOPLE! DEAD! WHY COULDN’T I HAVE DIED ALONGSIDE THEM! AND FUCKED THEIR CORPSES! (Krabs suddenly puts both his hands on his mouth) What the fuck?! Where did that come from?! Why would I say that? My god…
(Krabs slowly lifts his hands from his mouth, and sighs, looking back out the window. Outside, he sees multiple bodies on the streets, as the city is on fire and things are exploding)
Krabs: So many bodies… so many corpses to- (Krabs falls to the floor screaming) I DID NOT FUCKING SAY THAT! WHERE THE HELL IS THIS DELINQUENT TALK COMING FROM? (hyperventilates, walks away from the window in cold sweat) Maybe I just need to meditate! I’ve never done that before, but I’ve seen other people do it, it can’t be too hard.
(Krabs sits criss-crossed on the floor and hums. We see inside his mind; he is in a sea of money, fishing rigorously. When he gets a catch, he eagerly reels it in, however the catch is a dead fish’s body. Krabs cheers in delight as he begins fucking it. Soon after, Krabs exits his mind screaming, but then randomly calms down)
Krabs: I see now. I was born to fuck corpses. I know what I must do.
(Krabs turns to face the doorknob; cut to Squidward and Plankton in the rally)
Plankton: DON’T YOU FEEL ALIVE, SQUIDWARD?
Squidward: YOU SAID IT, PLANKTON! (fires gun three times in the air) THIS IS A THRILL! (Runs to a cop car, tips it over, pisses all over it, and lights it on fire)
Plankton: Did you have to piss on it?
Squidward: It makes it more flammable, I think.
Plankton: You have so many problems.
Squidward: Eh, whatever.
(A rallier walks in front of them)
Rallier: You'd better move, you two.
Squidward: uh… Why?
(The rallier pulls out a molotov cocktail and lunches it into a random building, where it bursts into flames)
Plankton: Holy shit! Where did you get that fuckin' thing?
Rallier: Just grab a bottle of beer, light it on fire, and throw it.
Squidward: (takes out beer bottle, lights it on fire) I gots it.
Plankton: wait, did you just have that on hand?
Squidward: Do you know just how stressful my life is?
Plankton: this just got depressing.
(Squidward throws the molotov and it lands in a random building, making it burn)
Squidward: WOOHOO! ANARCHY!
Plankton: I thought this was for the Stop the Steal cause!
Rallier: It is! We're trying to get rid of the government!
Squidward: Hell yes! Hate the government love the fucking dole!
Rallier: what the hell does that mean?
Other rallier: (points off-screen) WHAT IS THAT?!
(They look off-screen and to their horror, they see Mr. Krabs having sex with all the corpses laying on the street)
Squidward: KRABS, WHAT THE FUCK?! (Vomits)
Krabs: It's a long story! Just let me do my thing.
Squidward: Dude, we are trying to overthrow the fucking government and even we think this is too far!
Voice from behind: ahem.
(Krabs looks behind him and sees the same trenchcoat who hired him is standing behind him)
Krabs: Oh, uh, hi, you.
Trenchcoat: You were late for today's filming.
Krabs: Fuck! FUCK! I FORGOT!
Trenchcoat: Maybe you wont forget now that youre FIRED.
Krabs: How did you find me, anyway?
Trenchcoat: we placed a tracking trip firmly up your ass. Pleasure doing business with you, now fuck off.
(The trenchcoat walks away when out of rage, Mr. Krabs tackles him and strangles him to death, then proceeding to fuck his corpse)
Krabs: I feel so alive!!!!!
Squidward: well, that was about the grossest thing Ive ever seen.
(Suddenly, police sirens go off in the background and helicopters are heard overhead)
Squidward: Oh, crap.
(Sudden cut to Rex biting his own hat, shaking)
Rex: Just one dose… just one dose… that’s all… one more dose and im off the stuff for good…
(He begins pacing back and forth)
Rex: JUST ONE DOSE… all i need… JUST ONE…
(Rex eventually screams, running to a trashcan, digging through, and finding a bag of cocaine)
Rex: MY BELOVED! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN!
(Rex hesitates a bit, and then slams the bag onto his face, spazzing randomly and screaming in delight, continuing snorting the cocaine)
Rex: I FEEL ALIVE!
(Rex laughs hard and sniffs more, but he then falls over, foaming at the mouth, and passing out; Cut back to the rioters, who are in shock when the police and SWAT show up, barricading them)
SWAT Officer: There they are! Fire if they make any (notices Krabs fucking a corpse) OH MY GOD IS THAT ONE FUCKING A CORPSE?
SWAT Officer 2: I’ll handle this. Go throw up.
(The other swat officer runs away to throw up; cut to the rioters noticing they’re being barricaded)
Squidward: Uh, this ain’t good.
Plankton: Burn their cars! We got weapons.
Rallier: This is the fucking SWAT team, dumbass! They would shoot us on sight if we did that!
Rallier 2: Just remain as still as you can. Maybe they’ll try negotiating.
(Cut back to the SWAT)
SWAT: (speaking through megaphone) THIS IS THE SWAT! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! SURRENDER PEACEFULLY, AND-
(Suddenly, a rioter rushes towards the negotiator with a gun, but gets shot dead on sight by all the officers)
Rallier: We’re so dead.
SWAT: Open fire!
(Several ralliers get shot dead by the SWAT, as they try to attack; Shortly after, the ones who tried attacking are all dead on the floor, and the ones who just stayed still are spared)
Squidward: Wow, lots of people were looking for trouble.
Plankton: How many of us are left?
Squidward: I’m counting 10, including us both.
Plankton: 200 people participated in this rally. God fucking damnit.
(Cut to Krabs looking at all the corpses that surround him)
Krabs: I’m in corpse heaven! (Rushes to fuck a corpse, but gets shot in the shoulder by an officer, causing him to scream in pain)
Officer: You’re coming with us.
Krabs: What the hell did I do?
Officer: We saw you fucking all those corpses. Now get in the car.
(Krabs is handcuffed, and dragged away. Squidward and Plankton are also handcuffed)
Officer: You’re coming with us too!
Squidward: Aw fuck, I thought we’d get off easy.
Officer: It doesn’t work like that.
Plankton: Don’t I get a phone call?!
Officer: In prison, you do!
Plankton: Fucking shit.
(Cut to Rex on the floor, still blacked out by cocaine; the therapist from his rehab walks by)
Therapist: Oh, rex. Looks like you’re going back to rehab. (sighs, as he picks up the body)
(Zoom out to reveal SpongeBob and Patrick were watching everything unfold)
SpongeBob: So wait, now it’s just us here.
Patrick: What do you mean?
SpongeBob: Well, Squidward and Plankton were arrested, Krabs was also arrested, and Rex is going to rehab, it seems.
Patrick: Huh…
SpongeBob: So, what do we do now?
Patrick: I dunno. What do you wanna do?
SpongeBob: Move out as fast as I can!
Patrick: I agree with that sentiment.
(Patrick and SpongeBob walk off as the episode fades to black)
The Aftermath
(Fade to SpongeBob and Patrick in the middle of town square; there are bodies lining the streets, fires in the city, and many arrests being made)
Squidward: I WANT MY PHONE CALL!
Police: You’ll get your phone call in Jail!
Plankton: Will we have to share a cell?
Police: Yes, now get in!
Krabs: What about me? Can I get a pass? I have a get-out-of-jail free card.
Police: No, you killed our best officer with your demented necrophilia, you get in the car too.
Krabs: Crap.
(The police officer shove Plankton and Squidward in the car; Elsewhere, Rex is getting carried by his therapist)
Rex: Where am I going…
Therapist: You’re going back to rehab, Rex. You sniffed the stuff again.
Rex: Oh god, not rehab again…
(Camera cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick)
Patrick: Holy hell. I didn’t expect things to go to shit like this.
SpongeBob: Yeah, neither did I. I expected it to be at least a few years from now.
Patrick: So… what now?
SpongeBob: Yeah, I think I’m gonna pack my bags to get ready to move out of this stupid town.
Patrick: What? Why?
SpongeBob: Because, all of our friends who came here with us were either arrested or are now in rehab. We’re just by ourselves now.
Patrick: But, I can’t go back; my old place got sold!
SpongeBob: I can fix that. Take this.
(Patrick is shocked when SpongeBob places a shotgun in his hands)
Patrick: What the fuck am I gonna do with this?
SpongeBob: Let me demonstrate:
(cut to Patrick approaching his house; he knocks on the door, and the owner comes outside)
Owner: Yes?
Patrick: (pointing shotgun to owner’s head) YOU GOT 5 FUCKING SECONDS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS HOUSE! THIS HOUSE IS MINE NOW!
Owner: WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU?!
Patrick: FIVE. FOUR.
(The owner runs away in fear. Patrick shoots him in the back anyways, and hops in his rock; cut back to present)
Patrick: SpongeBob, that’s a terrible idea.
SpongeBob: Do you want your house back or not?
Patrick: Dude, I obviously do, but I wouldn’t fucking murder a man for it.
SpongeBob: You’re such a wimp, Patrick.
Patrick: NOBODY CALLS ME A FUCKING WIMP! (Punches SpongeBob in the head; screen suddenly goes black)
(Screen fades back to SpongeBob in his apartment, packing bags with Patrick. SpongeBob has a bandage on his head)
SpongeBob: Thanks for helping me pack, Patrick.
Patrick: Anytime, SpongeBob. And, uh, I hope there aren’t any hard feelings between us for punching you so hard.
SpongeBob: To be honest, I have a few. But, I’m too afraid of being punched again, so I will just keep my mouth shut.
Patrick: So… are we gonna be moving the others' shit out too?
SpongeBob: Hmmm… Well, for one, I refuse to go anywhere near Krabs' apartment. I am fairly certain there's still a corpse in there. And as for Squidward and Rexs' places, I am just too lazy in general.
Patrick: Wow, lazy ass.
SpongeBob: Fuck you, Patrick.
(Patrick suddenly hits SpongeBob in the face again as the screen goes black; fade into SpongeBob laying on the floor)
SpongeBob: God damnit, Patrick, how long was I out?
Patrick: An hour.
SpongeBob: Think about how much time got wasted that we could’ve used for cleaning.
Patrick: What? Oh, I got my packing done by that time. The moving truck’s already here.
(Patrick enters the moving truck and drives off)
Patrick: (distantly) See you in Bikini Bottom!
SpongeBob: God damnit, Patrick, you’re such a fucking asshole. (Long, deep sigh) Guess I gotta pack my own shit now.
(SpongeBob starts packing up, and afterwards driving back to Bikini Bottom; At home, SpongeBob is walking to the Krusty Krab, but the door’s locked)
SpongeBob: Why isn’t this open- (realizes, facepalms) God damnit, I forgot Krabs went to jail.
(Patrick is seen walking to the doors of the Krusty Krab)
Patrick: Hello, Spo-(Walks right into the door) What the Hell?! Why can’t I enter?
SpongeBob: Krabs was arrested, remember?
Patrick: So, no Krabby Patties? For how long?
SpongeBob: I dunno. I wasn’t -
(SpongeBob’s phone begins ringing)
SpongeBob: Oh, that’s mine. (Answers phone) Hello?
Krabs: (on the other line) SpongeBob, I am in jail!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I know. How long was your sentence?
Krabs: 5 years.
SpongeBob: What the fuck?! That’s ludicrous!
Krabs: I know!
SpongeBob: So, how are Squidward and Plankton?
Krabs: Oh, they got life sentences.
SpongeBob: Really?
Krabs: Yup, wish it weren’t so. But that means I get out before those fuckers do!
SpongeBob: Please, Krabs, promise you won’t fuck any more corpses. Please.
Krabs: Yeah, they’re sending me to attend annual Necrophile Anonymous meetings
SpongeBob: Those exist?
Krabs: I guess so.
SpongeBob: Krabs, I have a question.
Krabs: I only have a minute on the phone left. Make it quick.
SpongeBob: Is the Krusty Krab closed?
Krabs: Until I get back, yeah. But at least the Chum Bucket will rot! Oh, gotta go - my time’s up.
SpongeBob: That was not one minute.
Krabs: Yeah, but they really don’t like me here, so -
(Krabs suddenly hangs up)
Patrick: Uh, so, how long did he say the Krusty Krab would be closed?
SpongeBob: 5 years.
(Patrick yells in anger, then punches SpongeBob in the face again; Screen fades to a news report)
News Anchor: Breaking news; local millionaire Squilliam Fancyson has been the subject of much controversy, following a series of racially insensitive tweets. When asked about the tweets, Squilliam had this to say:
(Cut to Squilliam outside his mansion, being interviewed)
Squilliam: Listen, I realize what I tweeted wasn’t exactly of the best taste, but it’s ridiculous that I am being put under such fire for simply making a single tweet. And I’m not even racist! I have several black butlers.
(Cut back to the news anchor)
Anchor: Ironically, it appears that this statement has only furthered the controversy. Squilliam has stated that if this were to continue getting worse, he’d abandon the public life for good. More on this, in season 3 of NKC. I mean, more on this as the story develops.
(The episode cuts to black)
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