Shrek Forever After/Transcript

==Transcript==
(The story starts as the first two films started, with a book lying on the ground. Only this book had a particular title on it.)
"Shrek Forever After"
(It was opened up to a page of Far Far Away with King Harold and Queen Lillian holding their newborn as a man was heard narrating.)
Man's Voice: Once upon a time a long time ago, a king and a queen had a beautiful daughter named Fiona.
(The pages flipped to one page of older Fiona's human form during the day, and her ogre form during the night.)
Man's Voice: But she was possessed by a terrible curse. By day, a lovely princess; by night, a hideous ogre.
(The pages then turned to the pages with a knight kneeling, holding a bouquet of flowers and Fiona waiting in the tower guarded by a certain dragon's tail.)
Man's Voice: Only true love's kiss would lift her curse. So Fiona waited in a tower, guarded by a dragon, until the day when her true love would arrive.
(The next pages showed Harold and Lillian in a carriage, racing away from their safe kingdom and into the dark, foreboding forest.)
Man's Voice: But as the days turned into years, the King and Queen were forced to resort to more desperate measures.
(Flashback)
(Years ago, before Harold and Lillian had reunited with their daughter, the horses pulling the carriage that carried the king and queen raced through the forest like mad. Inside the carriage, the king and queen held each others' hands in worry. The carriage then arrived towards an even more eerie part of the forest. It was Crone's Nest Carriage Park, a medieval trailer park. The signs underneath the main said "No Vacancy" and "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here". Two witches guarding recognized the royal carriage and opened the gates, allowing the carriage inside. The carriage slowed down and was pulled more cautiously, and as that happened, the king and queen looked at all the witches inhabiting the area near their broken down carriages. One witch sneered, while stroking a black cat she held, and many other black cats, that she hoarded, all snarled. King Harold yelped a bit. Then he and Lillian saw another witch dumping out trash from the window of her carriage, while one witch standing by, smirking, as she made a kissy noise to the king.)
King Harold: Ew!
(Then he and Lillian saw a family of hillbilly-type witches, playing mandolins, spitting tobacco, holding a bottle of moonshine and giving dirty, foul looks at the visitors, while a bare-butted baby witch was crawling on the ground. The royal couple were deeply unsettled as Lillian locked the carriage door.)
Driver: (pulls reigns) Whoa, there!
The horses stopped at a huge egg-like carriage with an "R" on top.
King Harold: I don’t know about this, Lillian. Fairy Godmother said only true love’s kiss could break Fiona’s curse.
Queen Lillian: I don’t trust that woman, Harold. This may be our last hope. Besides, he does come highly recommended by King Midas.
King Harold: But to put our daughter’s life in the hands of this…person? He’s devious. He’s deceitful. He’s...he’s…
A bit later, the king and queen were inside the carriage as the owner spun around in his chair, revealing himself. He was Rumpelstiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Rumpelstiltskin!
Lightning flashed at the mention of his name. His pet goose, Fifi, honked a bit. The little man kissed the uneasy Lillian's hand in respect.
Rumpelstiltskin: Mrs. Highness.
She chuckled nervously a bit, pulling her hand away.
Queen Lillian: How do you do?
Fifi then hissed at Harold, startling him.
Rumpelstiltskin: Down, Fifi. Get down!
The goose did as her master said and went off to the side. Then the deal maker rolled out a contract he had for the royal couple to sign.
Rumpelstiltskin: As you can see, everything’s in order.
King Harold: So you’ll put an end to our daughter’s curse?
Rumpelstiltskin: And, in return, you sign the kingdom of Far Far Away (gives a menacing look) over to me.
Lightning flashed again, and King Harold gasped at what the short man said. Lightning flashed even when it showed Fifi. The royal couple turned as Harold spoke quietly to his wife, while Rumpelstiltskin just listened in, giving a fiendish smirk.
King Harold: Lillian, this is madness!
Queen Lillian: What choice do we have, Harold? Fiona has been locked away in that tower far too long.
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like she’s getting younger.
King Harold: But to sign over our entire kingdom?
Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls contract away) Well, if your kingdom’s worth more to you than your daughter…
The king angrily stopped the paper.
King Harold: Nothing is worth more to us than our daughter.
So Rumpelstiltskin slammed the windows shut and got out a drawer of jars of magic ink, slammed one jar down and clapped his hands.
Rumpelstiltskin: Jump, Fifi, jump!
The goose jumped in his arms and he yanked a feather out of her behind, making the king cringe in disgust. He then dipped the feather's end into the magic ink, with a small magic cloud appearing as Harold took the feather from him.
Rumpelstiltskin: Just sign it, and all your problems will disappear.
Lightning flashed for dramatic effect once more, as he slid the contract towards them. Harold was about to sign it, while Rumpelstiltskin eagerly and anxiously waited. The king hesitated a bit as he looked at his wife, who nodded seriously. So Harold proceeded to sign it, but before he could, the carriage's door was burst open and the royal messenger was there, out of breath.
Messenger: Your Highness! The Princess! She’s been saved!
Harold and Lillian gasped happily, while Rumpelstiltskin was shocked.
Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?!
The king turned, giving a smirk as he ripped the contract up, to the deal maker's dismay.
Rumpelstiltskin: (lip trembling) Who saved her?
(End of Flashback)
In the present, the book was finished being read by the certain foiled deal maker, who was the one narrating. The next pages showed Shrek roaring, scaring away villagers, and then the helmeted Shrek carrying Fiona over his back while he and Donkey ran away from Dragon and the fire she breathed. Donkey's tail was even on fire.
Rumpelstiltskin: No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona.
He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona (as an ogre) kissing and a separate picture of their babies.
Rumpelstiltskin: (irate) True love’s kiss led to marriage and ogre babies!
He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together.
Rumpelstiltskin: The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace. (sarcastically) Goody for them!
He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp.
Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY--
He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists.
Rumpelstiltskin: EVER--
He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud.
Rumpelstiltskin: AFTER!!
He ripped out that as well, and fumed while clenching the page in fist. He was shown to be reading the book in a library. Then, Pinocchio, wearing an apron, appeared and saw what he was doing.
Pinocchio: Sir? You’re gonna have to pay for that.
He quickly realized he ripped a book that didn't belong to him, as he turned to the wooden puppet.
Rumpelstiltskin: (stutters) M-m-maybe we could make a deal for it, little boy?
Pinocchio: Oh, I’m not a real boy.
Rumpelstiltskin: (smirks) Do you want to be?
The next thing you know, Rumpelstiltskin was booted out of the library by Pinocchio, screaming as he face-planted into the dirty sidewalk.
Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumpel Stinkypants!
He shut the door as the coughing former deal maker looked at the final page of the book and picked it up, looking at it with anger.
Rumpelstiltskin: (darkly) I wish that ogre was never born!
In the certain swamp home of our ogre hero, another day was beginning as we see the same "Beware of Ogres" sign, now with the pictures of the ogre baby triplets added, and a swing set and small slide were added in the yard. Inside the home, Shrek and Fiona were asleep in their bed until awakened by a squeaking noise. They looked and saw their babies at the foot of the bed, with Felicia squeaking a squeaky toy.
Felicia: Wake up, Daddy, wake up!  
Fiona: Good morning.
Shrek: Good morning to you too.
The ogres kissed.
After getting up and dressed, Shrek was in his arm-chair with his kids, each drinking swamp juice from their own sippy cup, and each gave a small belch.
Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in.
Shrek: (chuckles) That’s MY line.
A bit later, Shrek brought Fergus over to the changing table.
Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…(jumps back) WHOA! (waves hand in front of face) Big, grownup ogre stink?!
Some time after changing Fergus, Shrek went outside with the full rotten diaper, heading to the diaper pale.
Shrek: Oh, that’s diabolical!
He dumped it in, and then he took a newspaper, heading to the outhouse. At this time, a bus-sized chariot known as the "Star Tours Chariot" appeared, with a tour guide and tourists here to see the famous ogre.
Tour Guide: (through megaphone) And on your left, the lovable lug that showed us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world!
The ogre gave an annoyed look before closing the door to the outhouse.
Tour Guide: (through megaphone) I wonder what Shrek’s up to in there.
Next, Shrek was trying to fit a little shoe onto Farkle's foot, with Farkle moving his little legs around, and was having trouble trying to put it on.
Shrek: Get in there. Get…it's impossible to put on!
Fiona then showed up and thought she would help. So she placed it on her son's foot.
Fiona: Okay, (begins tying) the dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop, and finally, into the castle.
The parents then blew on their baby's cheeks. A bit later, Shrek thought he'd have some time to himself so he sat in his armchair with a glass of eyeball-tini in his hand, and just when he was about to sip it, a certain donkey popped his head through the window.
Donkey: Play date!
The startled ogre yelped as he fell back. Then Donkey and his kids came in to spend time with Shrek and his family.
Donkey: (singing) Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall All you've got to do is call!
That night, at dinner, Puss flipped in the air and landed on the dinner table, finishing a story being told to the kids.
Puss: Then Shrek kissed the Princess. She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived…
Donkey: Happily…
Fiona: Ever…
Shrek: After.
The kids all jumped and cheered. After the guests left and the triplets were put to sleep, Shrek took some dishes from the table and headed to where Fiona was washing some dishes at the sink next to the window. Fiona then saw a star whizzing by.
Fiona: Look! A shooting star!
She closed her eyes, scrunched up her nose and crossed her fingers.
Shrek: So, what did you wish for?
Fiona: That every day could be like this one.
Shrek: Come here, you.
The two then embraced and kissed, while Puss sat on the side of the window, playing a guitar as he sang a tender song.
Puss: (singing) One love One heart Let's get together and feel alright
The next morning, Shrek was awakened the same way he was yesterday: by the squeaking of his kids' squeaky toy.
Felicia: Morning, Daddy.
Fiona: Morning.
So, the events from yesterday began to happen again, starting with Shrek burping his babies. The boys belched, but Felicia broke wind.
Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in.
Next, it was changing time.
Shrek: Did my little Fergus make a…
Before he could finish, a fountain of fluid sprayed at his face and even got into his mouth, but thankfully, it was coming from a goldfish Fergus squirted water from as he giggled.
Shrek: (takes the fish) Cute. Real cute.
He took the fish and dropped it back in the goldfish bowl. Then, after taking the diaper to the pail outside, he went to the outhouse with the tourist chariot arriving again, to his annoyance.
Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug taught us you don’t have to change your undies to change the world!
He slammed the door. Later, he hoped to have some alone time and drink his eyeball-tini in his armchair, but Donkey showed up again.
Donkey: Play date!
He and his kids barged in, and as he sang, the dronkeys flew around, chasing the giggling ogre babies.
Then, Shrek decided to relax in the mud pit outside, but suddenly Fiona came outside.
Fiona: (calls out) Shrek! The outhouse is clogged up!
Shrek's eyes widened.
That night, the story that was told at dinner the previous night was told again.
Puss: She turned into a beautiful ogre and they lived…
Donkey: Happily…
Fiona: Ever…
Shrek: (confused) After?
Then the routine happened again with Shrek being woken up by his babies and the squeaky toy, and this time, the triplets were in the bed between the parents, with Farkle pounding Shrek, who looked like he barely got any sleep.
Felicia: Daddy, get up!
Fergus: Morning.
Next, it was time for burping. All three burped, one by one, but then broke wind simultaneously.
Fiona: (passes by) Better out than in.
After Shrek tossed the diaper away, the tourists visited yet again.
Tour Guide: (through megaphone) This lovable lug…
Shrek slammed the door of the outhouse. Then Donkey barged in through the door with his kids flapping in.
Donkey: (excitedly) PLAY DATE!
Shrek: (gets knocked over) No!
The Dronkeys floated while carrying the babies, with some fussing. Then, as Shrek, with a towel around himself, tried to get to the mud pit for some relaxation, Fiona called out again.
Fiona: (calls out) Outhouse again!
He winced. Then, another day, we see Shrek trying to fit the shoe onto Farkle.
Shrek: Come on. Ow!!
His son then kicked him in the chin. Next, we see instances of the babies drinking and belching, and of Shrek throwing a diaper away in the pale in the Winter, on a rainy day, and in the Spring. One day, the tourist chariot returned, knocking the outhouse over while Shrek was on the john.
Tour Guide: (through megaphone) Undies!
When it was playdate time, Shrek just stood frozen in the middle of the chaos that was the Dronkeys and ogres rough-housing, and one of the Dronkeys breathing fire. Then, he tried for the pit again, but didn't make it very far when Fiona's voice called out.
Fiona's Voice: Outhouse!
He walked back in annoyance. We then see the babies bouncing in bed with Felicia hitting her dad softly with her toy, but Shrek was lying on the floor and did not make any motion.
Felicia: Get up, get up!
Finally, it was the dinner/story portion of the seemingly repetitive cycle.
Puss: And they lived…
Donkey: Happily…
Fiona: Ever…
Shrek: (monotone) After.
Later, everyone was asleep, all except for Shrek, who was awake by all the same routine everyday. He rubbed his face with his hands, sighing a bit. He looked at Fiona, sound asleep, before getting up and walking to a dresser. There, he opened up a drawer with a folded up piece of paper inside. He unfolded it, revealing it to be an old Wanted poster of him back from before he met Donkey, rescued Fiona and all his other adventures happened. He looked glum, not feeling as if he was a real ogre anymore. He hung the poster up on the corner of the mirror, and then he looked at the mirror, trying to see if he had any of it inside him.
Shrek: (softly) Roar. Roooooooaaaarr.
It was no use though, he didn't even scare himself. He hanged his head, feeling his days as an ogre were truly gone. The next day, he looked uneasy as he, his family and Donkey were riding Dragon, with Puss at the edge, playing "King of the World", and the Dronkeys were flying at her side, as the song "Isn't It Strange" by Scissor Sisters played. Shrek was carrying a back case full of baby supplies on his back. The babies whooped and laughed with excitement as Dragon soared through the clouds. The wind then pushed Puss back towards Donkey, and Felicia pulled on one Dronkey's tail, making her unintentionally shoot out flames at her brother's tail. He yelped and glared at his sister, thinking it was on purpose, before chasing her. He breathed fire at her, almost hitting her and barely blackening Shrek's snout. The group then arrived in Far Far Away, passing the kingdom's Hollywood-like sign, and came down for a landing near the Candy Apple (formerly known as the Poison Apple until the villains reformed), and everyone was unloading their baggage and getting off the dragon.
Donkey: Nice landing, honey.
He and his wife kiss.
Donkey: And remember, no eating the valet.
Fiona then placed each of her babies on a Dronkey, and they were flown around for fun. As Puss carried a whole stack of presents for the triplets, since it was their birthday, Shrek was carrying down a fold-out three-in-one stroller.
Puss: Happy Birthday, ninos! Vamos a la fiesta!
He set the three-in-one stroller down and tried unfolding them in frustration, but was having trouble. Then, to his further annoyance, some villagers ran over to him with pitchforks and torches, but not the way people used to. In fact, they were grinning.
Villagers: Hey, Shrek! Shrek!
Villager 1: (holds up his pitchfork's handle) Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks?
Villager 2: (holds up his torch) And our torches?
Shrek quickly dodged the torch as it nearly touched him.
Villager 3: Man, you used to be so fierce!
Villager 2: Yeah, when you were a real ogre.
Shrek: (puzzled) A REAL ogre?
He did not like what that villager was implying. A bit later, inside, Pinocchio was dancing on a stage in front of four animatronics.
Pinocchio: (singing) Happy Birthday Bash! No more diaper rash! One year older, not a pain Friends still remain the same, refrain. Super duper, party pooper! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash! Birthday, birthday, birthday bash!
Then everyone else inside, minus Shrek, who was holding Felicia and Fergus, sang along.
All (minus Shrek): (singing) Birthday Bash! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!
All those who sang laughed and cheered, and Farkle imitated Pinocchio's dancing a bit. Donkey noticed Shrek not singing, laughing or cheering.
Donkey: Come on, Shrek, it’s a sing-along. You’ve got to sing along!
Shrek: No, thanks.
Donkey: Please? I’ll be your best friend.
Shrek: Why does being your best friend entail me doing everything I don’t want to do?
As he talked, Felicia squeaked her toy right in her father's ear.
Shrek: (puts her toy down) Please, Felicia, not in daddy's ear.
Then a father tapped Shrek on the shoulder.
Butter Pants's Father: Excuse me, Mr. Shrek? Could you do that ogre roar of yours for my son? He’s a big, big fan.
Next to him stood his son, a chubby little boy with a grumpy-looking straight face and lollipop in his fist.
Butter Pants: Do the roar.
Shrek: You know, I’d rather not. It’s my kids’ birthday party.
Butter Pants: Do the roar.
Fiona then came by and took Fergus off Shrek to hold him for a little bit.
Fiona: Honey? Why don't you go check on the cake?
Shrek: (sighs) Sure.
He went to go check on the birthday cake.
Fiona: And don’t forget the candles.
At the kitchen area, the Muffin Man was finishing putting some decoration on Gingy's legs.
Muffin Man: Hold still.
Once Gingy was done, he stood up with his legs frosted, appearing to look like chaps and he even wore a cowboy hat made of frosting to boot.
Gingy: Thanks for the pants, Muffin Man. I always wanted chaps! (prances around) Yee-haw! Giddy up!
Shrek then arrived at the counter.
Muffin Man: (grins) Ah, Monsieur Shrek.
Gingy: Howdy, Shrek!
The baker then got out a tray holding a frosted cake, decorated with a cutesy grinning ogre head with candy corn for teeth.
Muffin Man: Your cake. Voila!
Shrek was appalled by this.
Shrek: Oh, what is that supposed to be?
Gingy: That’s Sprinkles the Ogre!
Doris, wearing party service clothes, and picking up some plates, spoke.
Doris: Isn’t he cute? He looks just like you.
Donkey: But happy. It’s a party, Shrek. You gotta cheer up!
Shrek, still feeling bitter, started carrying the cake away.
Shrek: (through his teeth) I’m in a great mood, actually.
Donkey: (excitedly) Oh, I’m gonna lick me a rainbow!
So he licked the cake.
Shrek: Donkey!
Then Butter Pants and his father appeared next to him again.
Butter Pants' Father: As long as you’re not doin' anything, how about one of those famous Shrek roars?
Butter Pants: Do the roar.
Shrek: Let me set ya straight, Butter Pants. An ogre only roars when he’s angry. (chuckles a bit) You don’t wanna see me angry, do ya?
Butter Pants: Do it.
He licked his lollipop, while Shrek just walked away, trying to keep his anger in.
Shrek: (to himself) Hold it together. Just hold it together.
Butter Pants: Daddy, he’s gettin' away. Do somethin'.
He set the cake down at the table Fiona was at.
Fiona: Oh good.
She then saw the cake with a big smear over it, thanks to Donkey's licking.
Fiona: (gasps) What happened to the cake?!
Shrek: Trust me, it's an improvement.
Queen Lillian: (sees the cake) Ugh! You licked it!
Shrek: No.
Queen Lillian: Just because you’re an ogre, doesn’t mean you have to eat like one.
Mabel, wearing service clothes as well, walked by.
Mabel: Looks like you forgot the candles.
Wolf walked by blowing up a balloon until it popped, startling Shrek.
Fiona: OK, just watch the cake. I'll go get them.
Fiona went to get the candles.
Shrek: (confused) "Watch the cake"?
He turned and to his alarm, he saw that the cake was gone, and there was nothing left but a couple crumbs.
Shrek: Ahh! Where's the cake?!
The pigs stood there with frosting on their lips, looking guilty.
Heimlich: We ate ze cake.
Dieter: Ja.
Shrek: (shocked) What?!
Then his babies started crying a bit, probably because they heard that the pigs ate the cake.
Shrek: No, no. Don't cry. Shhh.
Butter Pants' Father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar.
Butter Pants: Do the roar.
Shrek: Uh, (unconvincingly) roar.
Butter Pants: Don't like it.
Shrek: Pigs, we need another cake.
Heimlich: But we ate ze other cakes.
The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them.
Butter Pants' Father: Come on, man. One roar!
Donkey: Hey, everybody. Shrek’s gonna do his famous ogre roar!
The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar.
Shrek: Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes?
Dieter: We ate them, too.
Heimlich: Zhey have lollipops.
Horst: No, I ate them.
Dieter: What, you didn’t share?
Horst: (frowns) Well, you didn’t share the croissants!
The babies cried some more.
Shrek: Everything's gonna be okay.
Fiona came and took her kids, holding them.
Fiona: Shrek, what's going on?
Next, Butter Pants was hugging Donkey.
Donkey: Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waitin'.
Butter Pants: Do the roar.
Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone all spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough, he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it.
Crowd: We need the cake! (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake!
Shrek couldn't hold it in any longer, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar that nearly blew everyone away, even Butter Pants' hat was blown off.
Shrek: RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered.
Butter Pants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, daddy.
Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance.
Puss: Everybody, I have found...
He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.
Puss: (finishes) another cake!
Everyone, minus Fiona, started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming.
Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband as he handed Felicia to her mother.
Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay?
Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him.
Most of everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
Shrek then slammed his big fist into the cake's center, making everyone gasp in shock. He all gave a miserable stare at everybody and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off.
Outside, a familiar washed-up deal maker was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but saw Shrek storm out, with Fiona following.
Fiona: Unbelievable.
Shrek: Tell me about it! Those villagers are...
Fiona: I’m not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I’m talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids’ first birthday?
Shrek: Oh, great. So this is all my fault?
Fiona: Yes. But... you know what? Let’s talk about this after the party, at home.
Shrek: You mean that roadside attraction we live in? (mockingly) Step right up! (does a mocking jolly dance) See the dancing ogre! Don’t worry! He won’t bite!
He then took off the party hat, smashed it and threw it to the ground.
Shrek: I used to be an ogre. Now I’m just a jolly green joke!
Fiona: Okay, okay, maybe you’re not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
Shrek: I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s not like you’re a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace.
Fiona: (solemnly) And the other half locked away in a tower.
Shrek: Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be! Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace. When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense!
Fiona: You mean back before you rescued me from the Dragon’s Keep?
Shrek: Exactly!
She looked at him, apalled by the answer, and a long silence followed, before Fiona spoke quietly, feeling hurt.
Fiona: Shrek, you have three beautiful children. A wife who loves you. Friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can’t see that is you?
She then turned away and went to the door, looking back at her husband, who only gave a bitter look before she went back inside. Shrek just stood there before turning and walking away bitterly.
Shrek: That’s just great.
As he left, Rumpelstiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at the ogre who put him out of business.
Later, as rain clouds were appearing, Shrek was storming alone in the forest, stewing about what Fiona said.
Shrek: If she thinks I’m gonna slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing comin'. She’s not the boss of me. I’m an ogre, and I’m not gonna apologize for actin' like one.
He then heard a voice from the distance.
Voice: Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help!
He headed over to see who it was, and in the middle of the forest, the cries of help (or so Shrek believes) came from Rumpelstiltskin, whose legs were underneath his carriage, making it appear as his carriage was broken down on top of him.
Rumpelstiltskin: Please, help! I’m stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain!
Shrek rolled his eyes as he went over and used his strength to lift up the carriage.
Rumpelstiltskin: (squints eyes) I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma? Is that you?
Shrek: (dryly) Yeah, it’s me, Granny.
Rumpelstiltskin: (pretend alarm) An ogre!
He scooched back underneath in "fright".
Rumpelstiltskin: Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me!
Shrek: I’m not gonna eat ya.
Rumpelstiltskin: But you are an ogre…(peeks out) aren’t you?
Shrek: Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed.
The short man quickly crawled away from the carriage. Shrek then put the carriage back down on the ground and fixed the wheel.
Rumpelstiltskin: So you’re not gonna eat me?
Shrek: (walks away) No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
The former deal maker followed the ogre.
Rumpelstiltskin: Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you goin'?
Shrek: Nowhere.
Rumpelstiltskin: (grins) What a coincidence! I was just headin' that way myself. But seriously, let me give ya a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do, after all you’ve done for me.
The ogre sighed, rolling his eyes, but it seemed like he was giving in.
Rumpelstiltskin: I got a hot rat cookin'.
Shrek glanced back at the carriage, with Fifi at the reigns, honking a bit. After Rumpelstiltskin managed to lead the ogre to his carriage, the two went inside with the short man throwing off his hat and going to his table to prepare a drink, shaking it up in his bottle.
Rumpelstiltskin: All right! So, can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration, huh?
He even made a fresh certain drink containing an eyeball.
Rumpelstiltskin: Eyeball-tini?
Shrek peered into the carriage and at the drink, unsure, but he was giving in again.
Shrek: Well, maybe just one.
A couple hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre has had more than just one Eyeball-tini.
Shrek: So the centaur says, "That’s not the half I’m talkin' about."
The two chuckled a bit.
Rumpelstiltskin: I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre…no worries, no responsibilities. (takes a sip of an eyeball-tini) You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please.
Shrek: Free? (chuckles and rolls eyes) That’s a laugh.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh yeah?
Shrek: Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again.
He ate the eyeball off the toothpick.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, why didn’t ya say so? (stands up in his chair) Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on!
He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away.
Shrek: Oh, great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favorite people.
The short man laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder.
Rumpelstiltskin: Hold on.
He started rummaging through his deal scrolls.
Rumpelstiltskin: "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." (finds one) Ah.
He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled "Ogre for a Day".
Rumpelstiltskin: "Ogre for a day".
The ogre was even more puzzled than ever. The short man then appeared right next to him.
Rumpelstiltskin: Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be like, (mimicking scared citizen) "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made... sense.
Shrek: All right, what’s the catch?
Rumpelstiltskin: Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catchings, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing.
Shrek: All right, I knew it. So, what do you want?
Rumpelstiltskin: A day.
Shrek: (doubtful) A day?
A little ding was heard.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, rat’s done!
He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat.
Rumpelstiltskin: Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all.
Shrek: I can’t just pick up and leave my family.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone. And by the time this day is up, (gives a smile) you are gonna feel like a changed ogre.
Shrek: Still, I don’t know.
Rumpelstiltskin: Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. It doesn’t matter. Hey, do you like white meat or dark meat?
The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladel. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal.
Shrek: So what day would I have to give up?
As Rumpelstiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. (starts carving the rat) How 'bout the day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? (bitterly/faster) A day some meddling oaf stuckhisbignosewhereitdidn'tbelong, DESTROYINGYOURBUSINESSANDRUININGYOURLIFE?!
Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely but Rumpelstiltskin quickly realized his behavior as he hastily began to bring back his composure.
Rumpelstiltskin: Just for an example.
He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table.
Shrek: Well, how about the day I met Donkey? (smirks) Now there’s a day I’d like to take back.
He laughed, and the short man forced a laugh.
Rumpelstiltskin: I don’t know who that is. (gets an idea) I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby.
He began to rock his arms back and forth like rocking a baby to sleep, but figuratively.
Rumpelstiltskin: An innocent, mindless little baby.
Shrek, who was half-way done eating his half of the rat, spoke.
Shrek: You can take any of those days you want. Take them all, for all I care.
He chucked the rest of his half into his mouth, while Rumpelstiltskin glared.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, just one will do.
He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing.
Rumpelstiltskin: OK, good. A day from your childhood it is.
Shrek: I guess there’s nothin' wrong with wanting a little time for myself.
Rumpelstiltskin: Just 24 tiny little hours.
Shrek: I’m still my own ogre!
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you is!
Shrek: I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before.
Rumpelstiltskin: (pushes the contract towards him) So why start now, huh?
Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre.
Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it!
As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tensed from this, that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor.
Rumpelstiltskin: Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it!
During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking and Rumpelstiltskin was calm, but had a glow of excitement.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh... you signed it.
Shrek: So, tell me. What happens now?
Rumpelstiltskin: (mockingly) Have a nice day.
He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared and the whole carriage came apart like a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air.
Shrek: Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!
Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash.
Shrek: (groans) I think I fell on my keys.
Then the contract came floating gently down towards the ogre's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice.
Tour Guide's Voice: There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day.
He looked and saw the Star Tours chariot coming his way, to his dismay.
Shrek: Oh, great.
Tour Guide: As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across…
Of course, one tourist on the upper deck saw Shrek and did not give a reaction of happiness. In fact, it was one of alarm.
Tourist: (points) Ogre!!
The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared that they ran, resulting in the chariot to crash into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people fear him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing. The song "Top of the World" by the Carpenters began to play as Shrek left the forest and went on his way to the nearest village.
He strode merrily towards the unsuspecting villagers.
Such a feeling's coming over me
When the villagers all saw him, they all ran away in separate directions, screaming, while he continued striding with glee, glad to be feared again.
There is wonder in most everything that I see
We then see a puppet show with one puppet attacking an ogre puppet with a prop stick, with all the kids watching encouraging the puppet to beat the ogre.
Kids: Kill the ogre! Kill the ogre!
Not a cloud in the sky
Then, without warning, the puppeteer, who turned out to be Shrek, rose his head up from the puppet theater's window and roared, making the kids scream. Then his arms burst through the cardboard, roaring again. The kids all ran away with Shrek walking up to the seats like a usual ogre would and then chuckled.
Got the sun in my eyes And I won't be surprised if it's a dream
Somewhere else, a wedding was being held in a church. Inside, the priest gave the permission for the groom to kiss the bride.
Everything I want the world to be
The groom lifted the veil of his bride, who was actually Shrek (in drag), about to give a kiss. The groom and priest screamed in alarm. Then Shrek roared at everyone inside the church, making them all scream and leave the church.
Is now coming true, especially for me
Shrek, the only one left in the church, twirled around, holding the dress he was wearing.
And the reason is clear It's because you are near
Near a tree, a couple was about to have a picnic when Shrek, in normal garb, appeared hanging upside-down from a branch, roaring, scaring off the couple before he took the chicken leg and chomped it.
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I see
Next, we see Shrek scaring a cat, making it screech while jumping up. Then we see Shrek roaring at a mirror, breaking it. Shrek then got up behind four men gulping ale, letting out a roar, making them spit out their drinks. He then went to an old lady with a hearing horn.
Shrek: (speaks into hearing aid quietly) Roar.
The deaf old lady's eyes widened in alarm. Next, at a melon cart, someone was about to grab a melon, but grabbed Shrek's head, as the ogre was hiding in the melon cart and he gave yet another roar. Then he went near a goose, roaring at it, causing the goose to plop out an egg in fear.
I'm on the top of the world Lookin' down on creation And the only explanation I can find
We then see Shrek happily being chased by an angry mob like the old days, laughing. He then grabbed a hanging shop's sign, swung over the bar, removing the sign and leaping onto a roof, surfing over it like a surfboard and in the process, the surfing removed the shingles. He even surfed onto another roof, swung around a weather vane, hopped onto another roof and surfed down that one as well.
Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around
He leaped off the roof, with the villagers angrily tossing their pitchforks in the air like javelins, while Shrek soared relaxingly, with the pitchforks missing him.
Your love's put me at the top of the world
The ogre then landed in a hay cart, breaking off a wheel in the process. He then leaped out of the hay to declare something to the villagers.
Shrek: This is the part where you run away!
So the villagers all ran away in fear.
Is the love that I found Ever since you've been around
He then leaped off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash.
Your love's put me at the top of the world
He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more.
Later, after Shrek got the mud cleaned off him, he went around the forest, and saw a Wanted poster for ogres and took it.
Shrek: Sure is great to be wanted again. (sees another poster) Oh, nice one.
Then when he saw one more wanted poster, and there was something different about the others that made his smile disappear. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it, and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look.
Shrek: Fiona?
He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned at them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder.
Shrek: Oh, no.
He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows.
Shrek: My home. (runs to it) Fiona!
However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it.
Shrek: Fiona! Are you in there?!
He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole which he fell in through. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that but there was no furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye can see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root, before it and other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure.
Shrek: (yelling out) All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal!
He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a complete dried-up wasteland.
Shrek: Rumpel!
But not an answer came. Shrek then dug in his shirt and pulled out the folded-up contract that he unfolded, and thought to have a better look at it. Then something flew above him, making a 'woosh' sound. He thought it was nothing, but then there were two more quick figures flying above him. He then turned around and saw what appeared to be a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below.
Broomsy: (points) Ogre!
Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy.
Broomsy: We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him!
The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp.
Shrek: Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?!
One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out.
Broomsy: Looks like a troublemaker!
She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around like mad releasing smoke from it, and when smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle.
Broomsy: Spread ‘em!
Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted up in the air by the witches taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up, and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off.
Broomsy: Nice job, ladies!
Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air.
Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
Witch #2: You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
The witch then threw a flaming pumpkin at him, and once it exploded upon hitting him, everything went black. Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside.
Donkey's Voice: (singing) Just thinking about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none
When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely
Shrek: (groans) Donkey, stop with the singing, will you?
His eyes opened up in realization.
Donkey's Voice: (singing) I just stick out my chin, And grin, And say
Shrek: Donkey!
He hit his head on the ceiling.
Shrek: Ow!
He then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels.
Donkey's Voice: (singing) Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow
He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in.
Donkey: (singing) Come what may Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow!
Shrek: Donkey, where am I? What’s happening?
There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving.
Cage Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song.
She whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song.
Donkey: (singing) But I made up my mind I'm keeping my baby Ooooh
Cage Witch #2: Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music.
She took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash.
Donkey: Will you witches make up your mind?
The only response was another lash.
Donkey: (singing) No matter what they take from me
The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along.
Donkey and Witches: (singing) They can't take away my dignity Because the greatest love of all
Shrek: Donkey? What’s going on? Do you know where Fiona is?
As the witches kept singing, Donkey quietly spoke to him.
Donkey: Quiet, ogre! You’re gonna get me in trouble and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That’s what I said.
Shrek: Where are my babies? (as Donkey rolls his eyes) And where’s your wife, Dragon?
Donkey: Look, ogre, I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I’ve never seen you before in my life.
Shrek: (puzzled) Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey!
Donkey: And how do you know my name anyway?
Shrek: It’s me, Shrek. Your best friend?
Donkey: A donkey and an ogre friends? That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!
As Donkey kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration.
Shrek: Can you at least tell me where they’re taking me?
Donkey: To the same place they take every ogre. To Rumpelstiltskin.
Shrek: Stiltskin!
Witch #1: (hits Shrek with her broom) I said "quiet"!
The second witch whipped Donkey again.
Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot
She gave him another lash.
Donkey: (singing) Why don't you hit me with your best shot
She gave him another lash, as if taking the lyrics literally.
Donkey: (singing) Hit me with your best shot
Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed.
Shrek: Oh, no.
Donkey: (singing) Fire away!
To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well.
As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably.
Muffin Man's Voice: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets!
Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man.
Muffin Man: We start tout de suite!
Gingy sprung up, but now he had battle scars on his face, chest, and arms, and was decorated with battle gear and a kilt like a Braveheart character, and he held up a big lollipop as his weapon.
Gingy: Yeah!
He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges.
Shrek: (confused) Gingy?
Then out of three boxes came an assortment of sentient animal crackers charging at the gingerbread man, but because he now had a fierce personality, he shouted as he dodged each animal and used his lollipop to take down his opponents. He even used it to turn and decapitate some of the animal crackers.
Gingy: Gingy snap!
The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the certain dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek.
Dwarf: (points at it) There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre!
All the villagers gathered around with nasty scowls, shouting and jeering at the ogre prisoner.
Villagers: (randomly) Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature!
One villager chucked an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, with Shrek wiping it off. The villagers continued shouting nasty remarks towards Shrek as the cage pulled onward. One villager even chucked a glass bottle at the cage.
The witches, Shrek and Donkey soon made it to the castle, which was now guarded by witches about every nook and cranny, and there was a shield with an "R" on the front of the gates, which went up. As they went inside, Shrek was in horror to see how different the castle grounds looked, and he passed something he definitely hadn't seen before: two ogres pushing the gear that controls the gates. The two ogres were miserable because they were being forced to by another witch with a whip.
Slavery Witch: Move it!
She whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly.
The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened, Shrek was let out but placed in hand-cuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they lead the prisoner to the doors.
Shrek: (quietly) Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back.
Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!
The witches laughed heartlessly while pushing the doors open, and inside the huge room was a rave party going on with the whole room infested with witches, dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music playing. They saw the witches leading the imprisoned ogre through the room as they moved aside. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, and saw the Three Little Pigs in servant clothes feeding Fifi some ham. She pecked at it a bit, before scarfing it all down. He glanced at another corner with a witch band playing the rave music with a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone which made synthisizer music, and a huge brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued dancing and shouting with glee, the witches that held Shrek prisoner kept leading Shrek across the ballroom. At this time, at a small corner lined with red VIP ropes in front, a certain deal maker was in a couch-styled throne (with the ruler's seat being in the middle), wearing fancy white clothes, laughing and having drinks with four more witches. Then another witch called out.
Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? You got another customer.
He took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. The customer was Pinocchio, who was being ushered through the VIP line by the witch. He turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs.
Rumpelstiltskin: (snaps fingers) Wolfie!
Wolf: (dryly) Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig.
Pinocchio: (pleading) Mr. Stiltskin, oh, please!
Rumpelstiltskin: (cutting him off) Abupupup!
The miserable wolf placed a Victorian styled white powdered wig over the short man.
Rumpelstiltskin: (signals) OK, go.
Pinocchio: Oh, please make me a real boy!
Rumpelstiltskin got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away.
Rumpelstiltskin: Go away! (to Pinocchio) Terms are in the details, balsa boy.
He rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign.
Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!
The short man laughed as the puppet started signing.
Shrek: (yells out) Stiltskin!
Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards the ogre. The deal maker was excited as he stood up on his desk.
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, Shrek! There he is!
As he walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive.
Pinocchio: Oh! So close!
The puppet's arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice.
Rumpelstiltskin: (extending out his arms) Have I been waiting for you!
He hopped from the table and announced to all the witches.
Rumpelstiltskin: Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible!
They all cheered wildly. Then the deal maker climbed up towards Shrek's ear, pulling on it and speaking into it.
Rumpelstiltskin: So, tell me, how are you enjoying your day?
Shrek: All right, Rumpel, what’s going on? What have you done?
He hopped off.
Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. (skips to his table and sits on it) Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.
Shrek: (rolls eyes) They would never do that.
Rumpelstiltskin: They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear.
(Flashback)
We see the same moment of Fiona's parents visiting the deal maker to sign a contract to save their daughter, but this time, it has a different ending. They signed their names, and then suddenly the king and queen began turning gold, to their alarm and horror.
Rumpelstiltskin's Voice: And then THEY disappeared!
Queen Lillian: No!
King Harold: No!
They then started to fade away.
Both: Noooooooo!
The king and queen exploded into gold dust, leaving only their crowns which dropped onto the table. The evil deal maker then took Harold's crown.
(End of Flashback)
Rumpelstiltskin held out the deceased king's crown, as Shrek realized he had tricked the king and queen into signing the kingdom and their lives over. Rumpelstiltskin spun the crown around as he sighed.
Rumpelstiltskin: They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse.
Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse!
Rumpelstiltskin: How could you when you never existed?
He kicked the crown away.
Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man!
Rumpelstiltskin: (pulls out contract from Shrek's vest) Here, let me spell it out for you! (points to fine print) You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn’t even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby.
He walked away, mockingly humming "Happy Birthday", and that's when it dawned on Shrek.
Shrek: You took the day I was born.
The dictator held his toes before spreading his legs out.
Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up…
Rumpelstiltskin: (interrupts) But you haven’t heard the best part.
He snapped his fingers, and another witch brought over a huge magic hourglass to the table, rerpesenting the remaining hours of the day.
Rumpelstiltskin: Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you.
The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running.
Shrek: Where’s Fiona? Where’s my family?
Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. (menacingly) Your kids don’t exist.
Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making the ogre more upset. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more.
Rumpelstiltskin: How’s that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! (mockingly) Happy Ogre Day!
Shrek finally snapped and went for the short man.
Shrek: (furiously) Rumpel!!
He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back.
Rumpelstiltskin: Get him! Get him, witches!
A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face, with the witch worried what he would do to her.
Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring.
Donkey: You know what’d help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes.
Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiraling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well.
Witch: Come on, girls!
Five of the witches leaped off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried getting the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches.
Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! (kicks a witch) Do it!
The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact.
Shrek: (calls back) I’ll be right back, Donkey!
He zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches.
Donkey: I don’t know you.
He then looked back at Rumpelstiltskin.
Donkey: I don’t know him.
The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe.
Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you.
The dictator ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help.
Donkey: Help me! Help!
Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea.
Donkey: Oh, no! Help!
With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centerpiece. He grabbed the chain, and began to twirl around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair.
Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball!
The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling.
Shrek: (covers Donkey's eyes) Watch out!
The two then smashed straight through the skylight with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly, before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump.
Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie? My angry wig.
The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig that resembled either Syndrome's hair from the Incredibles or a Troll doll's hair. Wolf walked away as well before the dictator breathed in anger.
With Shrek and Donkey, the two continued riding the broom, with the latter still panicking and struggling to get out of the ogre's grip.
Donkey: Help! I’ve been kidnapped by a deranged, unbalanced ogre!
Shrek: Donkey! Get off of me! Watch it with your pointy hooves!
Then they ended up crashing through a tree, and it looked like Donkey was riding the broom with Shrek holding onto the edge. Then, as they crashed through another tree, and it looked like Shrek was riding the broom backwards with Donkey riding on the bottom, upside-down. Then, after crashing through another tree, the two ended up flying off the broomstick and on the ground hard, with Shrek on his back and Donkey on the ogre's stomach. Donkey then looked very worried, and then, the next thing you know, he was running for his life with the ogre chasing after him.
Donkey: Just take my wallet, just take my wallet!
Shrek: (running to Donkey) Hey!
Donkey: I’m being **s-napped!!
Shrek then tackled his best friend, who was still terrified of the ogre.
Donkey: Animal cruelty! Help!
Shrek: (covers Donkey's mouth) You need to calm down! I’m your friend.
Donkey: (muffled) My friend?
Shrek: I’m not gonna hurt you, all right?
He nodded, though in fear.
Shrek: Good. I’m gonna let go…right…now.
Once Shrek removed his hand, Donkey still panicked.
Donkey: Please! Eat my face last! Send my hooves to my mama!
Shrek: Donkey! You’ve got to trust me.
Donkey: Why should I trust you?
Shrek: Because…because…
He then thought of the only way to convince Donkey, but he shook his head, not believing he was about to do it.
Shrek: (sighs) OK.
He got up and started to sing while dancing a bit, and wasn't particularly good at carrying a tune.
Shrek: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, fall All you got to do is call And I'll be there, ye, ye, ye You've got a friend
Donkey then got up, with his look of fear fading away, and he began to grin warmly. It looked like for a minute, Donkey recognized his best friend and was about to embrace him but instead, he ran away, screaming some more. The ogre was left dumbstruck.
Shrek: Fine! Go ahead! Run away! Who needs you?
He then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached from his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise, Felicia's squeaky ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he'll never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down.
Donkey's Voice: I’ve never seen an ogre cry.
He turned and saw Donkey right next to him. He then wiped the tear away.
Shrek: I’m not crying.
Donkey: It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, (choking up) or a little baby grandma kitten. (starts to cry himself) That is so darn sad.
Shrek: I said I’m not crying!
Donkey: (recovers) Hey, take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset?
Shrek: I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have.
Donkey: Oh, you signed up for one of them time-shares, huh?
Shrek: (pulls out contract) No. I signed this.
Donkey: (gasps) You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin!
Shrek: Yeah, I got that.
Donkey: His fine print is crafty.
Shrek: I know.
Donkey: His exit clauses are sneaky.
Shrek: Yeah, I...What did you say?
Donkey: I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is.
Shrek: Donkey, I’ve read the fine print, and there’s nothing about an exit clause in here.
Donkey: Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done.
He grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper.
Donkey: I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills.
Shrek: What are you doing?
Donkey: Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you.
Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding.
Donkey: OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do.
Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to from letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded up paper to the ogre.
Donkey: There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. "
Shrek only gave a confused look.
Donkey: Now, who’s Lou?
Shrek: Give me that!
He snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the TRUE words of the exit clause: "True Love's Kiss".
Shrek: "True Love’s Kiss. "
Donkey: Hey, boy, you gonna have to take me to dinner first.
Shrek: (rolls eyes) "According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it!
He then picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling.
Shrek: Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back!
Donkey: (gets down) OK! This isn’t a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona?
Shrek: Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know.
Donkey: You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last?
Shrek: The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her.
His eyes widened in realization.
Shrek: Oh, no.
Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona.
Donkey: Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, no, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That’s the Dragon’s Keep! They keep dragons in there!
He tried running across to stop the ogre, but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back.
Donkey: OK, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast!
Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter.
Shrek: Fiona!
He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona has been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then depressingly went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara.
Shrek: Oh, no.
He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands.
Shrek: If I didn’t save Fiona…then who did?
He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well.
Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief.
Shrek: This is the favor Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met.
Donkey looked surprised.
Shrek: It’s a symbol of our love. (pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face) Now smell it!
Donkey: (winces) Hey, man, get that dirty favor out of my face!
Shrek: Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. (waves it in front of Donkey) Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl!
Donkey: Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they’d call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing...
Then he started sniffing.
Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something.
He sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit.
Donkey: Whatever it is, it’s sweet.
Shrek: Fiona.
Donkey: Luscious and tasty.
Shrek: (frowns) Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about.
The donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest.
Shrek: Donkey!
Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump.
Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. (rushes up to plate) Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!
Shrek: Donkey! Don’t eat that!
Donkey stopped and frowned.
Shrek: There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious?
Donkey only gave an "I don't know" kind of mumble before trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.
Shrek: Oh, you…(as Donkey prepares to nibble) I’m just…What are you…? Bad Donkey! Mustn’t--I said, don’t! Don’t! No! Get away from it.
But Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.
Shrek: You did.
Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap.
Donkey: Uh-oh.
The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out to the direction of the two.
Shrek: (ducks) Look out!
But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifting the lid, seeing Donkey lying there.
Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK?
Donkey: I’m fine.
But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.
Shrek: Donkey.
He leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to crawl through it.
Donkey's Voice: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!
Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him.
Ogre #1: Watch your head.
He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him.
Ogre #2: Hey, it’s a new guy!
Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.
Gretched: He’s really tiny, isn’t he?
Ogre #2: Yeah.
Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, known as Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him.
Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!
The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up.
Ogre #3: Let’s go, greenie.
Shrek: Now, wait a minute!
He was placed on an armor vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.
Shrek: Hey!
Brogan: Here you go.
An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witch's clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy, and brawled with it. Shrek
Brogan: Welcome to the resistance.
Shrek: (confused) Resistance?
Brogan: (puts arm around Shrek) We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere!
He then held his nose and started blowing a toot through his ears, and then, all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.
Shrek: I didn’t know we could do that.
Suddenly, he heard a certain donkey yelling for help, and he turned to see Donkey being carried upside-down by two ogres and tied to some sticks.
Donkey: Help! You can’t eat me! I got the mange! I’m poisonous! I’m all poi…
But one of the ogres stuffed an apple in his mouth, resulting in Donkey to yell, muffled. Then Shrek grabbed Donkey by the sticks.
Shrek: I’ll take him! This order’s to go.
One of the ogres carrying him, a chef ogre named Cookie then grabbed the sticks.
Cookie: Hey! I haven’t removed his giblets yet.
Shrek: Trust me, you don’t want to eat this one.
Donkey: (spits out apple) I go down smooth, but come out fighting!
The two ogres ended up having a tug-of-war with Donkey.
Shrek: Let go!
Cookie: Don’t make Papa mad.
Shrek: Your dinner is my friend!
Brogan came over, trying to break up the two.
Brogan: Come on, guys!
Cookie: I got to get the giblets out!
Then, a horn was sounded, stopping the fight and getting all ogres' and Donkey's attention.
Ogre #4: She’s back.
Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad with a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet, and revealed to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flare. When Shrek saw her, he grinned in so much relief.
Shrek: (hands axe to one of the ogres) Fiona!
He began running up to Fiona, who noticed Shrek running up to her.
Shrek: I’m so happy I found you!
Of course, because Shrek was never born, Fiona did not accept/return the embrace. Instead, before Shrek could hug her, he lifted up her foot and kicked Shrek in the face, sending him flying, yelling in slow-motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up as Fiona walked up, handing her axe to Gretched, and her helmet to Brogan.
Fiona: Maybe you missed orientation, but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.
Shrek then looked very worried.
Shrek: You don’t know who I am, do you?
Fiona: No. (to Brogan) Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room.
Shrek: Fiona.
Fiona: Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight.
Shrek: I need to talk to you.
Fiona: What is it?
Shrek: OK, I know you don’t remember me, but…we’re married.
Needless to say, she gave a confused look.
Shrek: Hear me out. I was at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, and this boy kept saying, "Do the roar. Do the roar.."
As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.
Shrek: Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole.
Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres that weren't Shrek, were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.
Shrek: Right? Who’s with me?
Fiona: Wow, (chuckles a bit) I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.
The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit.
Shrek: Fiona, I need to…
But she held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds.
Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill!
She and the other ogres (except Shrek) went to their battle stations.
Shrek: Fiona!
Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!
Shrek grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to.
Shrek: Come on, now.
Some of the ogres cut some ropes, closing up the big holes some ogres hid in just in time, and dropping sand bags on fires, putting them out. The weapons were placed in a net which was hoisted upwards, and then a couple ogres hid in a hole underground, putting a cover over the hiding place. Some other ogres, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, held their breaths as they ducked down into some swamp water, and the remaining ogres (Fiona and Brogan included) with bush disguises gathered around the spot where Shrek was and crouched down. With that, every last ogre and the camp itself was completely hidden from sight. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey's mouth, while the ogres looked up, and saw three of the witches flying up over the forest on their brooms. The lead witch glanced down at the forest, not finding any ogres or the camp, and gave a sneer. The witches then flew off, retreating to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they were gone, the ogres came from their hiding place, murmuring while heading back to their posts.
Brogan: Fiona, that’s the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.
Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.
Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were.
Donkey: That’s your wife?
Shrek: That’s my wife.
Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chain mail in your family!
The ogre gave a weird look at the donkey.
Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh.
Rumpelstiltskin: Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty.
He then turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake.
Rumpelstiltskin: Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire, we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? (to one of the witches) Baba?
The witch named Baba nodded.
Rumpelstiltskin: Good.
He then walked around the table as he continued.
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me.
One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement.
Rumpelstiltskin: It’s not like it’s the end of the world.
Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp.
Rumpelstiltskin: Except, funny thing...
He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant.
Rumpelstiltskin: Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! (with frustration raising in his voice) And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!!
Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it.
Rumpelstiltskin: But, as I was saying, (takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass) I like to look at the goblet as half full.
The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them.
Rumpelstiltskin: Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water?
He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces.
Rumpelstiltskin: Wet your whistle?
She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch.
Rumpelstiltskin: A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada?
She nervously declined as well.
Rumpelstiltskin: Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? (puts pitcher down) Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?!
He narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch.
Rumpelstiltskin: You.
Broomsy Witch: Faster brooms?
Rumpelstiltskin: No!
Hat Witch: (scared) Pointier hats?
Rumpelstiltskin: No! (to another witch) You!
Witch: Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter?
He shouted and stomped his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch.
Witch: (as she's melting) What a world! What a world!
Soon, as the steam cleared and there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered at the suggestion.
Rumpelstiltskin: You know, actually not a bad idea. (points to Baba) Baba!
Baba jumped out of her chair in fear.
Rumpelstiltskin: I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast…(chortles evilly a bit) then I think I might know just the person!
He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin.
Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who was untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the trees. Shrek has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything.
Fiona: Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself.
The ogres started murmuring.
Ogres: (randomly) He’s never done that before. What? Why?
Donkey: I bet that’s because of us.
Shrek: Shhh!
Brogan: If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable.
Fiona: The plan’s simple.
She starts moving a model of the carriage with a couple witches along a path, with the ogre models off to the side and Fiona's model on top of a cliff.
Fiona: If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal.
Fiona pressed the top of her model's head, making its arm raise up a sword it had, which would be the signal.
Fiona: And then we attack!
He raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table.
Fiona: And when the smoke clears…
Then she noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon.
Fiona: Wait, what’s this?
Cookie: That’s my chimichanga stand.
Fiona: No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that.
Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay?
She only gave a small smirk, deciding to humor him.
Cookie: Go ahead and finish your little speech.
Fiona: All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free.
Brogan: And so will we.
Fiona: Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace.
The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned.
Donkey: Man, this is serious!
Shrek: (slumps back) Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise?
Donkey: Actually, I was talking about the revolution.
Shrek: Revolution?
He only gave a scoff.
Donkey: Why don’t you just tell her what you told me? About how you’re her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek: (sarcastically) Well, while I’m at it, why don’t I tell her that you’re married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little, mutant donkey-dragon babies.
Hearing this made the Donkey stunned and interested a bit.
Donkey: I do?!
Shrek: You saw what happened. She’s gonna think I’m crazy.
Donkey: I’m a daddy?
He then glanced at a frog nearby, getting a new idea.
Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once…
He then blew the frog up like a balloon exactly like he did before.
Shrek: Then I can do it again.
Shrek started to head inside Fiona's tent. He peered his head inside.
Donkey: Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons?
Shrek: Donkey! Hello? Fiona?
He went inside with the frog balloon tied to a string attached to a small gift basket he had. He looked around, seeing a shield and weapons hung up, and a play tower/scratching post for cats. In fact, two familiar cat eyes appeared in the hole.
Puss's Voice: You should not be here, senior.
Shrek: Puss?
Suddenly, Puss's lower half started squeezing out, only something was different about it: it was bigger and more round. The cat grunted and squeezed out of the hole, finally revealing what he looked like in this world: a tubby orange cat, currently wearing nothing but a bow around his neck.
Shrek: (frowns) You’ve gotta be kidding me.
The orange cat slid down the scratching post very slowly and plopped onto a purple pillow at the foot of the tower. He struggled a bit to get up, but he eventually sat up and gave his usual glare towards foes.
Puss: Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek: (sets basket down) Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa…
The orange cat glared, knowing he was about to say the obvious word.
Shrek: Fa…fancy.
Puss: Do I know you?
Shrek: Well, where’s your hat? Where’s your belt? Your wee little boots?
Puss: (gets off pillow) Boots? For a cat? Ha!
He groaned while getting up and staggering toward some cream bottles and a bowl.
Shrek: But you’re Puss in Boots.
Puss: (pops lid off bottle)  Maybe once, but that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek: That’s not the only thing you’ve outgrown.
Puss:(  pours cream into bowl and sets the bottle down ) Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase.
A mouse appeared, licking from the bowl and the cat glanced at it.
Puss: Eh, I’ll get him later.
He licked from the bowl, which he was apparently sharing with the mouse. Shrek put his hands on the sides of his head in dismay.
Shrek: Puss, what have I done to you? You’ve gone soft.
The orange cat went back to his pillow.
Puss: (yawns) Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
He laid back in relaxation.
Shrek: Look, it’s not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona.
At this time, Fiona came back and was not happy to see Shrek inside her tent without permission.
Fiona: What are you doing?
Shrek: (turns around) Hey!
Fiona: Can I help you with something?
Shrek: Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension.
He held up the gift basket, but she didn't seem impressed.
Fiona: A gift basket?
Shrek: You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got.
He then got out each different gift from the basket.
Shrek: Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle.
He sniffed the candle.
Shrek: Mmm.
Fiona: Look, this really isn’t the…
Shrek: What’s this? (holds out a homemade coupon book) Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one.
He came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it.
Shrek: "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now.
Fiona: Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful.
Shrek: Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. (holds out hand) No hard feelings?
Fiona decided to shake his hand.
Shrek: An apologetic hug?
The two hugged.
Shrek: And a quick kiss goodbye.
Fiona: Hey!
She quickly stopped him, grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back, forcing him to leave.
Shrek: Wait! Is that mistletoe I see?
He was then thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin.
Donkey: Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?
Back inside the tent,
Fiona: Where’d we find that guy?
Puss, meanwhile, looked at his own reflection in the shield, and thought about the little talk between him and Shrek.
Puss: Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft?
Fiona then got out a comb and crush.
Fiona: Don’t be silly. Now who’s a pretty kitty?
Puss: (gives cute pose) I am.
Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, goose don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head.
Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi.
He carressed her a bit, as she honked.
Rumpelstiltskin: Honk.
He then turned to the pigs with a scowl.
Rumpelstiltskin: All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you.
Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odors. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp.
Horst: (whines) This little piggy wants to go home!
When the pigs were gone, a witch named Griselda came running in.
Griselda: Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here.
Rumpelstiltskin sat back on his throne with a couple other witches at his side.
Rumpelstiltskin: Nice.
The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carrying him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was in fact the Pied Piper.
Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute?
Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes.
Rumpelstiltskin: Good.
Griselda: (scoffs) You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, (motions flute playing) flute those ogres a lullaby?
She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm.
Griselda: OK, got it! Make it stop!
Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit, before the dictator got up, waving his arms.
Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough.
With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. Rumpelstiltskin gave an evil look.
Rumpelstiltskin: Looks like it’s time to pay the piper.
The witches still stood where they were.
Rumpelstiltskin: Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my checkbook!
The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient Rumpelstiltskin kicked her rear.
Rumpelstiltskin: Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here!
The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre.
Back at the resistance camp, Shrek had been put to kitchen duties by Cookie. He was now wearing a hair net (despite the fact he had no hair) and a smock. Cookie handed Shrek a bowl of the usual food ogres eat.
Cookie: Here, now make sure they eat up! You can’t end tyranny on an empty stomach! (pushes Shrek out) Go on! (smacks him in the rear) Go!
So Shrek went to the other dining ogres as Cookie called out to them.
Cookie: Din-din!
The ogres cheered, ready for some grub. Shrek poured some eyeballs into one ogre's bowl. One other ogre slurped up a snake like a spaghetti noodle, another ate cockroaches and onions straight off a shish kabob stick, another chomped into a worm burger (with some remaining roaches scattering all over him), and one more ogre slurped up a whole string of snails attached together. Donkey was at one of the tables with the ogres, surprisingly not as dinner but as a guest.
Ogre #5: Come on, Donkey. One more time, please?
Donkey: All right, but this is the last time.
Shrek stopped just to take a glance at what Donkey was doing. Donkey dunked his snout into a bowl of eyeballs.
Brogan: Here it comes. Look at him.
He raised his head back up, closed his eyes and then let out a snort, causing two eyeballs (the ones from the bowl, not his own) to pop out of his nostrils. Shrek yelped in surprise and disgust, but the other ogres, on the other hand, all laughed heartily because they found the trick hilarious.
Donkey: I see you! (wags his tongue) Ah la la la la!
The ogres (minus Shrek) continued laughing hysterically.
Donkey: (singing) These eyes have seen a lot of loves But they're never gonna see another one like I had with you
Brogan then spoke to Shrek.
Brogan: That’s quite a friend you’ve got there. I can see why you haven’t eaten him.
Donkey: (wags his tongue again) Ah la la la la!
Shrek chose this time to set down next to Donkey.
Shrek: Donkey! (as Donkey opens his real eyes) I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I’m not getting anywhere with Fiona.
Shrek then pulled the trick eyeballs out of Donkey's nostrils.
Shrek: I need your help!
Cookie: Hey, everybody. Who wants dessert?
Shrek saw that Cookie had one of his gifts for Fiona and threw it onto the table. The ogres were eager for it as they chattered each wanting a piece of it, they took everything, from the lid to the slugs inside. They even eagerly ripped the box itself, leaving nothing but the heart-shaped base at the bottom, which was ripped in half, looking ironically like a broken heart, to Shrek's dismay.
Ogre #3: Where’d you get these?
Cookie: Fiona’s garbage. Just another gift from some clueless lover boy.
The ogres (minus Shrek) all laughed, and even Donkey couldn't help but giggle.
Donkey: That’s a good one, Cookie!
Then he got a glare from Shrek, making him stop giggling.
Ogre #3: Anyone who knows Fiona knows this stuff ain’t gonna work on her.
Gretched: (takes one of the slugs and eats it) Works on me.
The resistance ogres laughed a bit some more.
Shrek: Donkey, what am I gonna do? It’s like I don’t even know her.
Donkey: You in trouble, Romeo. The only thing Fiona cares about is her cause.
Brogan: (raises fist) To the cause!
Ogres (minus Shrek): (raising their fists) To the cause!
They cheered a bit, before continuing their eating.
Donkey: All right!
Then Shrek had an epiphany, knowing the only way he could possibly get close to this world's Fiona in order to save himself.
In Fiona's tent, the resistance leader herself was practicing witch-striking while blindfolded, waiting for any witches to strike. A cardboard witch dummy popped up from a corner and she threw a spinning axe at it, directly chopping through the dummy's head. Then another witch dummy came sliding down a pulley, and the blindfolded Fiona chucked another axe at it, directly hitting it and cutting it in half. Then she heard the sound of a dummy of a witch on a cage wagon creeping in the distance, as well as another dummy witch popping up in front. She used her foot to spring a spear up off the ground, take the spear and throw it like a javelin at the dummy, knocking it off and hitting the witch-on-cage dummy as well. The spear sent both dummies smack dab onto a tree. Shrek then appeared, wearing a helmet and iron bracelets around his wrists.
Shrek: Hello!
She sprung her axe and got ready to swing it, and as it got near Shrek's head, he screamed a bit. Fiona lifted her blindfold to see who it was.
Shrek: (smirks) Nice moves.
Fiona: (removes her blindfold) What are you doing?
Shrek: What does it look like? I’m getting ready for ambush action. Oh, yeah. I always like to quad my lutes and do some scrunches before an operational…op.
He picked out a spiky tool from a nearby weapon bucket.
Shrek: This one taken?
Fiona: We use that to clean the toilets.
He got out another weapon.
Fiona: And we use that one to clean the thing we clean the toilets with.
Shrek: I knew that.
He then got out an axe.
Fiona: There you go, chief.
Then, to the ogre's surprise, the axe was part mace. He chuckled a bit, swinging it around before the axe part snapped off the chain and spun towards a witch dummy, landing smackdab in the head's center. He chuckled a bit again, impressed by the accidentally successful hit, but then when he leaned on the weapon bucket, he knocked it over. He tried picking it up, but he ended up knocking some witch dummies and more stuff over, yelping in the progress. The noises woke up Puss, who was sleeping on an upper ledge.
Fiona: Hey, uh, Scott?
Shrek: My name is Shrek, actually.
Fiona: You’re going to get yourself killed at the ambush tonight.
Shrek: (gets up) I’ll be fine. I think I can take care of myself.
Then, without warning, she threw a shield against him as a song began to play.
Fiona: (smirks) Well, let’s see about that.
She then started to assault him with a huge hammer, which he used his shield to block. This was some type of training.
Shrek: Hey!
Golden leaves looked brown to me
She continued trying to hit him as he blocked her with the shield.
Shrek: Hey, hey! What the…?
The world had less color without you
He then spotted a spiky club lying on the ground. He took it used it to attack Fiona back, hitting her shield hard and sending her down. She blocked herself, and it appeared that she was whimpering, to Shrek's concern.
Shrek: Fiona?
Of course, she was faking it as she got back up and smacked Shrek with her weapon.
Fiona: Ha-ha!
Shapes in the sky look plain to my eyes
The two ogres then started attacking/blocking each other for a few moments, until Fiona kicked Shrek to the wall, hitting a dummy with a gourd for a head.
The world had less color without you
Shrek got back up and hit Fiona's shield with his axe, then Fiona hit Shrek with a big log, which he blocked with his shield. Then Shrek grabbed a huge mace to strike Fiona with, which she blocked. Shrek was enjoying this practice, but then his eyes widened upon seeing Fiona with a huge uprooted tree. She whacked Shrek, sending him down, and both ogres laughed.
Without you
Shrek got out and the next thing you know, both ogres started punching each other.
I know plenty of people with eyes closed
They kept on punching until Shrek stopped Fiona's fists, with the two breathing as they looked at each other. Puss was still watching and gave an amazed look at the chemistry between the ogres.
They don't see you like I do Darling I do
Then one of the bracelets fell off Shrek's wrist.
Fiona: I got it.
She picked it up.
Fiona: Give me your hand.
He gave her his hand and she started to retie it onto his wrist.
Fiona: The dragon goes under the bridge, through the loop and finally...
Shrek: Into the castle.
Fiona was surprised to find that Shrek knew the same tying rhyme as she did, and the two then gazed at each other.
I do Darling I do Darling I do
Puss: Wow.
See you
Then Fiona shook the feeling out of her.
Fiona: OK. Good. It seems like you can handle yourself.
Shrek: But, Fiona--
Fiona: Now go get ready for the mission!
Shrek: I will, but Fiona…
Fiona: That’s an order!
She headed off to get ready herself, and Shrek tried to speak out, but didn't know what to say, and looked down, for he had once again failed to get a kiss from her. So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly.
Brogan: All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle!
Then, Puss began running after the dejected ogre, breathing heavily.
Puss: Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! (pants) Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute.
Shrek: Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time.
Puss: I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love!
Shrek: I AM her true love. I ended her curse.
Hearing that surprised Puss.
Puss: You know of her curse?
Shrek: By day, one way, by night another.
(Flashback)
We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then laid down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully.
Shrek's Voice: This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form.
(End of Flashback)
Puss gasped, stunned at the words Shrek said.
Puss: You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her!
Shrek: How?
Puss: Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know.
Then Donkey just popped up out of nowhere.
Donkey: Know about what?!
The fat orange cat screeched from being startled, and hissed at the donkey.
Donkey: Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him?
At Rumpelstiltskin's castle, the gate opened with some of the witches coming out, holding lanterns, followed by the carriage pulled by Fifi. At this time, Fiona was leading the ogres, all clad in armor, through the forest to be ready for the ambush. Shrek was trying to make his way through the ogre army though.
Shrek: Excuse me. Coming through! Pardon me, guys! Watch your back.
Bringing up the rear, Puss, riding a small cart pulled by Donkey, spotted Cookie's chimichanga cart up ahead.
Puss: Look, Donkey, the chimichanga cart! Quick! (bouncing on Donkey's back) Andale! After him, burro! Donkey, vmonos!
Donkey: (annoyed) Man, you are a cat-astrophe!
Puss: And you are ri-donkey-lous!
Then both shortly paused before they bursted out laughing, not helping but finding both their puns funny. Then once the army came to the edge of the forest, Fiona signaled them to stop.
Fiona: I'll scout ahead. Wait for my signal.
She went up ahead, and the other ogres, except Shrek obviously, went to take positions to hide. Fiona saw a nearby hanging tree branch, grabbed it and swung over it, landing on a higher hill.
Brogan: Secure your positions!
The ogres then climbed up some trees, and others donned disguises of bushes and rocks, taking their hiding positions. Fiona then came to the top of a slope where the carriage should be arriving. Shrek then appeared right beside her.
Shrek: It's quite a view from up here.
Fiona: What are you doing?! Get back in position!
Shrek: You need to know, once and for all, who I really am.
Fiona: You are going to ruin everything!
Shrek: Ruin everything? Actually, I'm gonna fix everything: the ogres, Rumpel, your curse.
Her eyes widened in shock, before she pulled out her dagger and held it closely towards Shrek's chin.
Fiona: How do you know about my curse?!
Shrek: OK, OK, please, Fiona. Just hear me out. I can explain everything.
Meanwhile, because of Shrek distracting her, neither of the two saw the carriage and witches, who were flying on their broomsticks, arriving this way. The ogres were still awaiting Fiona's signal.
Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal?
Gretched: What's she waiting for?
Cookie: He's going to get away!
Brogan: No, he's not.
He then gave a signal to one of the ogres in one of the trees. That ogre nodded, pulling the rope, which two of the witches flew into, knocking them off their brooms. The ogre army then yelled as they charged at the carriage, taking down some more witches along the way, and then ripping the carriage apart, chunk by chunk. However, to their surprise and confusion, Rumpelstiltskin was not there. Then Fifi, who looked more wooden than real, let out a flute-like squeak rather than a honk, to the ogres' notice. Then they saw "Fifi" come apart, revealing to be the Pied Piper in a wooden Fifi disguise. He whipped out his flute halves, placing them together, and beginning to play it.
Back with Shrek and Fiona, the latter threw the former down, threatening him with the dagger.
Fiona: Listen, I don't know who you are or how you know about my curse, but if any of these ogres find out I'm...
Shrek: A beautiful princess?
Fiona: That is not who I am! Not anymore.
Shrek: Look, I know you're upset.
Fiona: You don't know anything about me.
Shrek: I know everything about you. I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode.
Fiona: Big deal.
Shrek: I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the "I".
Fiona: So what?
Shrek: I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose and you make a wish.
Hearing that, her expression of anger faded away as she let him go. He got up as he continued.
Shrek: I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes...you're afraid you're gonna wake up back in that tower.
Fiona was amazed that he actually knew her more than she thought, and he looked at her tenderly.
Shrek: But, most importantly, Fiona...I know that the reason you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed....well...by me.
The two then joined hands together, and suddenly, from the distance, flute music was heard, and suddenly, Fiona grabbed the yelping Shrek, dipping him like in a dance.
Shrek: You move fast.
Fiona: It's not me doing the moving.
Then the two involuntarily got back up, holding their arms out. As the music picked up, the two held each others' hands and started dancing away from the hill.
Fiona: Why is this happening?!
Shrek: Love?
Fiona: No, I'm being forced to dance!
Shrek: By love!
Fiona: No, I can't stop myself!
Where the rest of the ogres were, they all began dancing unwillingly, as the Piper was playing a flute-beatbox version of "Shake Your Groove Thing" by Peaches & Herb. Brogan was panicking as he continued dancing under the flute's power.
Brogan: Please! Make it stop! I can't control myself!
Cookie, on the other hand, was getting jiggy with the dance spell.
Cookie: Ooh yeah! Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen!
He put his hand to his side, making a sizzle sound. Shrek and Fiona danced near the ogre army, and ended up in the center of them, with Fiona spotting the Piper.
Fiona: Oh, no! It's the Piper! I can't believe I let this happen, and it's all because of you!
Shrek: If you'd just let me kiss you!
Fiona: What? You're insane!
Then Shrek involuntarily picked up Fiona in his arms and tossed her the air, with the ogres unwillingly tossing their shields up, giving some sort of atmosphere with Fiona in the air. Fiona then landed back down in Shrek's arms, as all the ogres continued dancing in a line and pointing their fingers like in a disco dance, under the Piper's musical spell. Puss and Donkey, still unaffected by the spell (because the setting was only to ogre), saw this and Puss was concerned while Donkey was bobbing along to the flute-beatboxing.
Puss: We must do something before they fandango themselves into oblivion!
Donkey: What can we do?
Puss: First, you must stop dancing!
Donkey: When somebody tooties that flutey, I got to shake my booty!
Puss: Then it's up to me!
He got out his claws and clawed Donkey's rear, making him scream and neigh like a horse, oddly enough for some reason, as he began racing down the hill and toward the line of dancing ogres. Donkey knocked Shrek and Fiona out of the line and onto the cart, racing away. Despite them being away from the Piper, the two ogres still pointed their fingers out like in a disco dance.
Puss: Hurry! We must get them away from the music!
Donkey: Puss and Donkey to the rescue! We saved the day!
Of course, he spoke too soon, as he didn't look to see they were heading for a chasm, and he didn't stop at the edge in time, resulting in the four to be sent falling into the chasm, screaming, before splashing into the water below.
A bit later, the four managed to reach dry land, recovering from the crash and splash. Shrek tried to fit one of the bracelets back on one his wrists, and it did because it didn't rust when hitting the water. Fiona just sighed in annoyance however. Puss tried to lick himself clean, but due to his ball-like girth, he could not reach his back half. He then turned to the drenched donkey, who was licking himself.
Puss: Donkey, can I borrow your tongue?
Donkey: (stops licking himself) Say what?! Nuh-uh! No. Hell...
The orange fat cat started doing his 'big eyes' trick.
Donkey: I don't care how big your eyes get, player, it's not going down.
His eyes grew even bigger, until the groaning Donkey finally gave in.
Donkey: (in defeat) All right!
Donkey took a deep breath and stuck his tongue out, ready to lick the cat, though he was disgusted to do so.
Shrek: Stop!
He saw Fiona heading up the path to a bridge and holding the lantern, with Shrek following.
Shrek: Where are you going?
Fiona: To save my friends.
Shrek: How? By getting yourself killed?
Fiona: If that's what it takes.
Shrek: Puss, say something.
Fiona: (turns) Puss?
Puss: (stammers) Let me explain.
Fiona: That's how you knew so much about me.
She continued to storm away and cross the bridge above.
Shrek: (hops onto the bridge) Fiona, wait! Kiss me.
Fiona: What?
Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends.
Fiona: (shoves him) Get out of my way.
Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything!
The female ogre then stopped in her tracks and turned, thinking that he would not be able to take a hint any other way. So he went up towards him, grabbed him and gave him a kiss, and the night background changed to a glowing background of yellow, and for a minute, it looked like everything would revert to normal, but alas, it did not. When the kiss ended and Shrek opened his eyes, everything about the alternate world was all as it was, including Fiona, frowning bitterly as she wiped her lip. Even Puss and Donkey were puzzled at how everything was the same.
Shrek: I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!
Fiona: Yeah, you know, that's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale.
Shrek: Fiona, don't say that. It does exist!
Fiona: How would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night, waiting for a true love that never came?!
Shrek: But...but I'M your true love.
Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you?
She then picked up her lantern, leaving the three alone on the bridge, to rescue her friends herself. Shrek just stood there, completely heartbroken, knowing now that all his chances of ever getting a kiss from Fiona and saving his own life are gone.
Donkey: Maybe you kissed her wrong?
Shrek: (sadly) No. The kiss didn't work...because Fiona doesn't love me.
Inside the castle, all the ogres were yelling as they were now in cages dangling from the ceiling.
Brogan: Don't despair, fellow ogres! They can put us in cages, but they can't cage our honor!
Down below, the Piper was flute-speaking frantically to Rumpelstiltskin, explaining the situation, and the villain was furious.
Rumpelstiltskin: (furiously) SHREK AND FIONA ARE TOGETHER?!
He frantically flute-spoke some more.
Rumpelstiltskin: Yeah, I've heard enough of your (stomping his feet in rage) toot-a-lee-toots! YOU BLEW IT!
He then turned to Wolf.
Rumpelstiltskin: Wolfie! My speech wig. (to Baba) Baba!
She squeaked, stammered and stood up straight.
Rumpelstiltskin: Ready my makeup. (to the Piper) And Piper, pull my socks up.
He set the setting to socks and played his flute so Rumpelstiltskin's socks could be slithered up his legs tight like magic.
Rumpelstiltskin: Wee tight.
Then, somewhere in a market place, the Magic Mirror's face appeared in a mirror hanging in a shop (along with other mirrors pretty much anywhere in the kingdom).
Magic Mirror: Attention, citizens.
Some citizens, including the Muffin Man and one of the dwarves, who was digging in a trash barrell for scraps, turned their attention to the mirror in the shop.
Magic Mirror: Please stay tuned for a message from our tyrannical dictator!
The mirror's face disappeared and then there stood Rumpelstiltskin, in another powdered wig, in front of a beachside sunset background.
Rumpelstiltskin: (speaking gentle-like) Hello, people. (doing a curtsey) It is I, Rumpelstiltskin...shepherd of your dreams.
We then see him in a fake fern field, helping a little bird (which was also fake, obviously) fly away. When watching this, one citizen coughed. Next, Rumpelstiltskin slid backwards down a rainbow while on his back.
Rumpelstiltskin: Recently, a certain somebody has jeopardized our joyous lives.
The scenery changed to a fiery background.
Rumpelstiltskin: (angrily) And that somebody is the rat-munching ogre called Shrek!
On mentioning the name, a picture of Shrek with Donkey appeared right next to him. Then, the scene changed to a scenery of angels behind him.
Rumpelstiltskin: (calmly again) That is why I come to you, dear citizens. For whomever brings me this ogre, shall receive the deal of a lifetime.
He waved his hands, and a contract labeled "Deal of a Lifetime" appeared in front of him. Then, as "Orinoco Flow" by Enya played in the background, Rumpelstiltskin appeared on top of a mountain.
Rumpelstiltskin: Just think of it! Total and complete happiness.
Since this message appeared on all magic mirrors, it even appeared on a mirror that the three pigs, with the potty box, broom, and soap tub, were nearby, happened to see this as well. Even the Wolf, pushing the wig cart, saw this. The four were more than interested in getting the deal and not having to put up with Rumpelstiltskin anymore.
Heimlich: Ja!
We now see the dictator's head spinning with gold coins raining in the background.
Rumpelstiltskin: Dazzling, radiant fulfilment! All your greatest wishes.
Gingy and his animal crackers saw this on the mirror, and the gingerbread man was interested as well.
Gingy: (breaks his candy cane in half) Yeah!
The deal maker appeared, sitting on a goose's back, next to a beachside.
Rumpelstiltskin: Your wildest dreams.
Next, he was in front of a painting of his castle with fireworks shooting.
Rumpelstiltskin: Anything you could ever want! No strings attached!
Pinocchio, who was tangled upside-down in ropes and sleeping, heard this commercial and was interested as well.
Pinocchio: Ooooh.
Then, the dictator appeared next to a big hourglass.
Rumpelstiltskin: But hurry, this is a limited time offer.
The final scenery we see is Rumpelstiltskin's angry face in front of a painting of a burning city.
Rumpelstiltskin: So light your torches, sharpen your pitchforks and get your mob on!
The message got through to all citizens of Far Far Away as they all got their pitchforks and torches and began storming through the kingdom to hunt down Shrek, capture him and get their reward.
Mob: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
Mob Member: Go back where you came from!
The mob passed a brick wall. If they had stayed a little longer, they would have seen Shrek, Donkey, and Puss come out of hiding.
Puss: It seems that we are safe.
Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.
Shrek: What's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end, you'll see.
The ogre slapped his forehead.
Donkey: I bet by this time tomorrow...
He couldn't hold it in any longer, so he finally started to shout.
Shrek: Hey, don't you understand? There is no tomorrow. There's no day after that, and there's no day after THAT day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never going to get it back!
Donkey: well, if your life was so perfect, why'd you sign it away to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?
Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! All right?
He sighed sadly.
Shrek: I didn't know what I had.
He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop.
Gingy: Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in!
Of course, Shrek was not affected by this at all. He just stood there with a dry look as Gingy kept attacking and shouting.
Gingy: Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine!
Shrek: Gingy?
He picked the gingerbread man up.
Gingy: You unhand me, green devil!
Shrek: What are you doing?
Gingy: Collecting my bounty!
Puss: Bounty?
Donkey: What are you talking about, cracker?
Gingy: Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in.
Shrek: Deal of a lifetime?
Gingy: (down) Where all your wishes come true.
The ogre pondered this for a bit.
Shrek: Wait a minute. (grins) I can still fix this.
Donkey: Now, how you gonna do that?
He then set Gingy down.
Shrek: You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. (turns to Gingy) OK, Gingy, tell me about this...
But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him, and gave a sheepish look.
Puss: Were you going to eat that?
Inside the castle, the citizens came with prisoners of theirs, and none of them were Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it.
Rumpelstiltskin: Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek!
He then saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured.
Rumpelstiltskin: That's not even an ogre, it is a troll! Nice try. (sees next one) And that...
What he saw was Wolf wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs.
Wolf: (dryly) Roar.
Rumpelstiltskin: ...is just sad.
He then spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding.
Rumpelstiltskin: And what is that supposed to be?
Gepetto: I'm just a frightened old man.
Pinocchio: Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty!
Rumpelstiltskin: That is your father painted green.
Pinocchio: No, it's Shrek! Honest!
Then his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making the deal maker shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face.
Rumpelstiltskin: (to a witch) Take them away!
The frustrated villain then went to his table.
Rumpelstiltskin: Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?!
He angrily pounded on his table like a two-year-old.
Rumpelstiltskin: I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM!
Then the door of the throne room slammed open, and the ogre he wants is there.
Shrek: Stiltskin!
Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisles.
Shrek: I hear you're looking for me.
Rumpelstiltskin: All right! Finally! (calls out and looks around) Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime?
Shrek: I do.
He took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand.
Rumpelstiltskin: What? But--
Shrek: If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime.
He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped in the magic ink jar.
Shrek: That means you have to give me anything I want.
The scared villain leaped onto the table, stopping him signing it.
Rumpelstiltskin: No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna (mimicks walking) doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back--
Shrek: I'm not here to get my life back.
Rumpelstiltskin: (with a glare) Then what DO you want?
Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss awaited before all ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, an dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way.
Puss: The ogres. They are all free.
Of course, Donkey noticed that not ALL of them were free.
Donkey: But where is Shrek?
They all went up to the gates, knowing Shrek was still inside.
Puss: This is not good.
Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him.
Rumpelstiltskin: I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. (mockingly) The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres.
Shrek: All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Rumpelstiltskin: Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself.
He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out.
Shrek: Fiona!
Both ogres rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement.
Shrek: Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
Rumpelstiltskin: (uncaring tone) Oh, yeah. (slyly) But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she?
He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly.
Rumpelstiltskin: By day, one way, by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha ha!
He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph.
Rumpelstiltskin: (triumphantly) Nobody's smart but me!
He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn sad look.
Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek: No, you were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the Dragon's Keep, but...every day since.
Fiona: Well...(gives a small sad smile) you're here now.
Outside, Donkey was determined to get inside, but Gretched held him back by the tail.
Donkey: Let go of me! I have got to save Shrek!
Gretched: Don't be a fool, mule!
Brogan: She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.
Cookie: And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches.
Of course, two witches guarding the palace from above, heard them.
Palace Witch #1: Hey! We can hear you!
Brogan: Sorry!
Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled.
Puss: We must get into the palace.
Donkey: Man, Shrek and me just busted out of that place!
Brogan: But how?
Donkey then saw a shield, and it gave him an idea.
Donkey: The same way we're gonna bust in.
The group huddled in closer together, with the two palace guard witches curious, wondering what they're talking about. A while later, Rumpelstiltskin, with his speech wig back on for some reason (though it looked untidy), walked back in the throne room, as a witch was hoisting up what appeared to be a new big decorative ball like the one from earlier.
Rumpelstiltskin: Yay! My new pretty ball!
He noticed that something about this ball was different than the previous one.
Rumpelstiltskin: Didn't it look bigger in the catalogue? I guess it'll have to do.
Once the witches got it up, some other witches poured magic glowing dust in their cauldrons, causing bright, glowing, blue and pink lights to appear. They pointed their cauldrons like spotlights at the big ball, which began reflecting the bright colorful lights off like a disco ball.
Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, finally, the moment we've all been waiting for. The main event of the evening!
The floors under him began shifting, revealing something. It was Shrek and Fiona still bound in shackles and chained to the walls, with a spotlight shining down on them.
Rumpelstiltskin: I present Shrek and Fiona!
The prisoners looked up, both glaring at Rumpelstiltskin and the horde of witches up above peering down at them, and the witches all booed and jeered the ogres.
Rumpelstiltskin: And now, to put the past behind us once and for all, I give ya a princess's worst nightmare! Fiona's old flame, the keeper of the keep...
As he continued speaking, Shrek and Fiona saw a gate in the dungeon opening up and a familiar red dragon stormed in.
Rumpelstiltskin: Dragon!
She let out a huge roar and then started breathing fire. She stomped about, getting ready to finish her prisoners as Rumpelstiltskin laughed heartlessly, enjoying the ogres' soon-to-be demise. Then suddenly he and the witches heard a familiar voice singing from out of nowhere.
Donkey's Voice: (singing) Winter, spring, summer, or fall
They all gasped, looking up at the big ball, seeing Donkey at the top of it, singing.
Donkey: (singing) All you got to do is call And I'll be there, yeah, yeah
Dragon, who was nearing Shrek, turned her attention up to the ball.
Shrek: Donkey?
Donkey: And Puss!
On cue, though very slowly, Puss slid down the rope holding the ball, and this time, he was wearing his hat, cape and boots.
Puss: In Boots!
He tap danced a bit on top of the ball, and then from inside it, a humming noise was heard, to the witches' and Rumpelstiltskin's concern.
Rumpelstiltskin: What?
They all looked around to see where the noise was coming from, and the new ball suddenly broke open like a pinata and all the resistance ogres began flying out of it, yelling. The whole thing turned out to be a Trojan horse reenactment with the ogres using their shields to make it convincing. All the witches screamed as the ogres chased after them with their clubs and weapons, ready to clobber them. Brogan leaped out towards where Rumpelstiltskin was, making the dictator scream as he ran for it. Brogan rose his club, ready to strike the villain, but one of the witches flew by on her broomstick, scooping up her master and taking him to the higher balcony, dropping him there. Rumpelstiltskin jumped onto the railing and looked down at the chaos in horror. Puss and Donkey meanwhile saw Dragon returning her attention to the ogres, snarling like mad and ready to attack again, but Puss then cut the rope of the platform he and Donkey were on, sending them falling and screaming, but they landed on Dragon's head, knocking her down for the count. Rumpelstiltskin, still watching, grumbled and growled.
Rumpelstiltskin: Get them! Get them, witches!
So the witches on the balcony got out their pumpkin bombs and chucked them down to where all the resistance ogres were. They luckily saw the pumpkins about to be thrown.
Ogre: Incoming!
They all took their shields and blocked themselves with them, with the exploding pumpkins bouncing off and not blowing up one single ogre. The woozy Donkey got up on his legs.
Shrek: Donkey, woo her!
Donkey: Woo who?
Shrek: Your wife!
Speaking of whom, Dragon growled as she stomped behind the fear-stricken Donkey. He timidly turned, screaming a bit. Then suddenly the lights changed to blue as Donkey's fearful expression changed to a smooth charmer expression, with the donkey trying his best to woo the reptile, who's look of anger began to fade, as if the charm was working. Donkey then gave a grin, and Dragon batted her eyelashes lovingly. At this time, a certain Lionel Richie song played.
Hello Is it me you're looking for I can see it in your eyes
The two were about to kiss until Dragon's mouth opened wide around Donkey.
Donkey: Uh oh.
Then in one chomp, Donkey ended up in her mouth. Puss then leaped onto the dragon's spine, grabbed his sword and jabbed it right into the back, making the dragon roar and spit out Donkey, who was sent flying in the air.
Donkey: Wahoo!
He hitched a ride onto a passing witch's broomstick.
Donkey: (calls out to Dragon) I'll call you! (to the witch) We're in love!
Back below, the dragon spotted the fat cat and just as she tried to eat him, he leaped out of the way, shouting in excitement. He rode her tail, which she swished around like mad, hitting a wall where Shrek was, and the ogre ducked in time. Then Dragon flicked the screeching fat cat off her tail, and Fiona caught him in her arms. Fiona gasped, knowing Dragon was coming for them, so she turned away, getting ready for the blow and Dragon exhaled the biggest breath of flame from her mouth. After she breathed it, she then saw that Fiona and Puss were no longer there, then she spotted the ogre being lifted up by the chains, thanks to Shrek pulling on the chains with his wrists, and Puss was holding onto Fiona's back.
Shrek: Fiona, hold on! (to Dragon) Hey, you!
He then got Dragon chasing after him as he continued pulling on the chains.
Shrek: Whoa!
Then Shrek and Fiona ended up swinging around on both chains all around the room, and each time they got near Dragon's mouth, she tried to eat them, only to miss. Then both ogres each reached a dangling cage. Shrek reached out his hand, and Fiona swung a bit, taking his hand. Back above, witches kept launching skull chains at the ogres, pulling them up, though no matter how many skull chains ensnared Brogan, he did his best to resist. He even grabbed some of the chains and tossed some of the witches who had them down. Then, on the balcony, the short villain saw chimichangas being fired at some of the witches near him.
Rumpelstiltskin: Chimichangas?!
Down below, Cookie was launching the aforementioned sticky foods from his cart/catapult.
Cookie: Get 'em while they're hot!
He even launched one at the witch that Donkey was riding with. When the witch was knocked down by the snack, Donkey was impressed. Below in the dungeon, Shrek and Fiona made it the top of the middle dangling cage. They looked down, waiting for Dragon to leap out at them, and when she did, that was their chance.
Fiona: Jump!
They both leaped onto the separate cages, while Dragon got her snout stuck in the middle cage. They looked at each other while holding their chains.
Shrek: Now!
They both leaped off the cages, and started swinging around Dragon like acrobats.
Fiona: Woo-hoo!
As Dragon kept struggling to get the cage off her muzzle, the two ogres began wrapping the chains around the reptile, starting with her tail.
Shrek: The dragon goes under the bridge!
Fiona: Through the loop!
Shrek: And finally...
They then both reached the center of the dragon's back, finishing trussing her in chains.
Both: Into the castle!
They both tugged on the chains, and Dragon, bound in them, was sent tumbling down. Then Shrek and Fiona looked at the battle still going on above. The witches were screaming as the ogres were getting the better of them.
Palace Witch: Run!
Some witches ran and flew off on their brooms, screaming. On the balcony, Rumpelstiltskin saw that ogres were closing in on both sides where he was, giving him nowhere to run. He then made for the balcony's railing as the ogres had him cornered. He turned back towards them.
Rumpelstiltskin: Foo!
With that, he leaped off backwards, to the ogres' shock. Then they were surprised further to see the short foe riding on Fifi, who was flying upwards so they could make their escape.
Rumpelstiltskin: So long!
He laughed tauntingly as Fifi headed for the skylight, as dawn was approaching, but then a skull chain had snagged Fifi's leg, and Shrek was the one who was holding the chain.
Shrek: Ha ha ha!
Fiona and Shrek grabbed hold of each other.
Rumpelstiltskin: Come on, Fifi, go! Go!
Fifi tried to keep flying, pulling Shrek and Fiona out of the dungeon.
Rumpelstiltskin: Witches, close up the floor!
The floor began closing up, but Shrek and Fiona were pulled out just in time. Fifi tried to keep flying even though it was harder with the chain around her leg.
Rumpelstiltskin: (fussing) Come on, Fifi, go! Flappity flap! Come on, go! Fly away! Up, up! Go!
The smirking Shrek pulled the chain, causing Rumpelstiltskin to loose his grip on his goose, as he was sent falling and screaming.
Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi, no!
His fall was stopped when a glaring Fiona caught him, making him give a scared sound. Fiona then held up the short man like a trophy.
Fiona: Victory is ours!
All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end when the top of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarrassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arm, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him.
Brogan: Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other.
Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team.
Shrek: You have no idea.
The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand was started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell down.
Fiona: Shrek?
She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand, to Rumpelstiltskin's delight.
Rumpelstiltskin: His day is up. His day is...!
But Cookie squeezed him, making the villain gag.
Fiona: Shrek?
Shrek: It's all right.
The ogres, Donkey and Puss watched on sadly.
Fiona: There has to be something I can do.
Shrek: You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family.
Fiona: You have kids?
Shrek: We have kids. Fergus, Farkle and a little girl named...
Both: Felicia.
Fiona: I always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia.
Shrek: And someday...
The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter.
Shrek: ...you will.
He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him.
Shrek: You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again.
Tears began to form from Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hour glass emptied and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that also began to fade away as Fiona held him. It seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice.
Puss: Fiona, the sunrise! You're still...an ogre!
Fiona: True love's form.
Rumpelstiltskin: Impossible!
Fiona: The kiss worked.
Suddenly the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle like mad. All bricks, shingles and other material of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado.
Rumpelstiltskin: What?!
Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well.
Rumpelstiltskin: Fifi!
Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish.
Fiona: Puss!
Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disappearing.
Rumpelstiltskin: No, no-no-no-no-no! No, not yet! I'm not ready! No, wait! (screaming)
Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him.
The world changed back to a different world where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roar from before.
Shrek: RROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!!
Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered.
Butter Dants: (chuckles as he hugs his dad) I love you, Daddy.
As everyone began chanting Shrek's name, the ogre began to smile, happy to have his life back, and everyone he knew back to normal.
Everyone: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way so he turned the mouse around correctly.
Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head.
Puss: Everybody, I have found...
He lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.
Puss: (finishes) another cake!
Fiona: Shrek? Are you okay?
He turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. He removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife.
Shrek: Fiona. I've never been better.
Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring.
Fergus: Roar!
All triplets began roaring and giggling. Shrek was even happy to see his kids existing as he went to them.
Shrek: (rubs Farkle's head) Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart.
His baby daughter looked at him with big, happy, blue eyes. He then reached his pocket and handed her the squeaky ogre plush toy he magically came back into this world with.
Shrek: I believe this is yours.
She hugged the toy tightly.
Felicia: Thank you, Daddy.
Shrek: (picking up his kids and holding them) Awww.
Donkey: Hey, Uncle Shrek! How about giving my babies an encore!
Puss: Please, senior, let us have it!
The others insisted eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek held his nose and blew a toot threw his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applauded and Puss waved a little yellow flag, Fiona was astounded.
Fiona: (holds Farkle) I didn't know we could do that.
Donkey: That's my best friend!
Shrek then looked towards Fiona.
Shrek: You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Fiona: You did.
Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me.
The two smiled warmly before kissing with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheered. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene in the final page of a book Shrek had out.
"The End"
We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story, before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them and each took a glass, before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air.
I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Shrek laid on his back in the air happily.
"Mike Myers"
Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled.
Meant for someone else but not for me
Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off.
"Eddie Murphy"
Love was out to get me Do-do-do-do-do That's the way it seems Do-do-do-do-do
The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams
"Cameron Diaz"
Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer
Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned.
"Antonio Banderas"
And not a trace
Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song.
Of doubt in my mind
"Julie Andrews"
The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile.
"John Cleese"
I'm in love
Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well.
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried
Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds have exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage.
"Walt Dohrn"
Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer
Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears.
"Jon Hamm"
"Jane Lynch"
"Craig Robinson"
And not a trace Of doubt in my mind
Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky, and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust.
"Lake Bell" "Kathy Griffin" "Mary Kay Place" "Kristen Schaal"
Now I saw her face And I'm a believer
Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself.
Not a trace
At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him.
Gingy: Yee-haw!
Of doubt in my mind
The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but find the animal crackers tasty.
Dieter: Yummy!
The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud.
I'm a believer, I'm a believer
Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air.
I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer, I'm a believer!
THE END!!!!
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