Trump Gets The Plague

Trump Gets The Plague is the tenth episode of season three, and the twenty-fifth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on October 17, 2020.
== Plot ==
President Trump and other prominent politicians get infected with the Plague.
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins in Mr. Trump’s bedroom. He can be seen laying down in his bed, alongside Ivanka.] 
Mr. Trump: Ah, that was great. A nice session after I defeated Sleepy Joe, Fake News BBTV, and all the other losers in the debate! [yawns] I taught my daughter well. 
Ivanka: Thanks, daddy!
[Suddenly, Mr. Trump begins coughing.] 
Ivanka: Uh, Dad, are you okay? 
Mr. Trump: Of course, sweetie. 
Ivanka: Are you sure you don’t have the Plague?
Mr. Trump: The plague of people not voting for me? [coughs] Don’t worry, I’ll vote for me.
Ivanka: I’m talking about the deadly virus! MIKE! 
[Mr. Pence enters the room.]
Mr. Pence: What is it, ma’am?
Ivanka: I need you to test daddy for the Plague. 
[Mr. Pence administers the Plague test.]
Mr. Pence: Mr. President, you have tested positive. 
Mr. Trump: OH NO! [coughs] The deep state must have poisoned me! 
Mr. Pence: Or maybe it’s just because you never wear a mask...
Mr. Trump: Nonsense, Mike! 
[Suddenly, Ivanka’s phone rings.] 
Mr. Trump: Who’s that calling? Paul?
Ivanka: Why would Paul be calling me?
Mr. Trump: Well, maybe he’d like you to introduce him to Barron. 
Ivanka: [looks at phone] Actually, it’s Mom. 
Mr. Trump: WHAT?! Quick, get out of here! We can’t let her find out about [coughs] this! 
Ivanka: About me sleeping with you?
Mr. Trump: No! About me getting [coughs] the Plague! No one can know about this! We have to keep it a secret.
[Ivanka runs out of the room.]
Mr. Pence: You know, this will be bad for you. I doubt you’ll make it. How about you transfer power to me?
Mr. Trump: Pft, of course I’ll make it! I feel greater than ever—
[Suddenly, Mr. Trump collapses. The Secret Service rushes into the room and takes him to the Bikini Bottom Hospital.]
Secret Service Agent: Boss, please put on a mask while we’re on our way.
Mr. Trump: Nope. [coughs into the agent’s face]
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! President Trump has been infected with the Plague!
Mrs. Plankton: Good, maybe that’ll teach the bastard about how his carelessness led to the deaths of so many. I hope he dies from it—
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana and some Secret Service agents raid the studio.]
Secret Service Agent: Karen Plankton, you’re under arrest!
Mrs. Plankton: What for?!
Mr. Banana: Reported to the Secret Service. Do not wish death upon a public figure.
Mrs. Plankton: This is an outrage! Why aren’t you guys raiding Renaud’s studio?!
Mr. Banana: Karen, I thought you were pro-small government! You really are a LINO! What’s next, I can’t rape strawberries?
Mrs. Plankton: Hmm...
[Mrs. Plankton takes a strawberry out of her pocket and throws it at a Secret Service agent, causing Mr. Banana to rape him, and she flees the scene.]
Mr. Perkins: In other news, our ratings have gone down. What could possibly be our competition?
[Cut to the Lobster boat, which Mr. Lobster is driving while listening to Alex Jones on the radio.]
Mr. Jones: [on the radio] The fake news BBTV says that our dear leader has been infected with this so-called “Plague”. What a hoax. They aren’t like us, as we believe in FACTS and LOGIC! If our dear leader is ill, it must mean that China and the Democrats hacked into his mind!
Mr. Lobster: OH NO! THEY’RE USING MIND CONTROL?! I MUST BE NEXT!
Mr. Jones: [on the radio] Yep. I believe this is one grand mind control operation. They’re targeting our dear leader, and beautiful boaters like YOU! But you can be saved...with my supplements! Go to the Alex Jones Store right now and buy my Anti-Mind Control Supplements for only $299.95!
[Mr. Lobster takes his hands off the steering wheel to buy Mr. Jones’ Anti-Mind Control Supplements, losing control of the boat and crashing into another boat.]
Mr. Lobster: [screaming from the wreck] FELLOW BOATERS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY’RE OUT TO CONTROL YOUR MINDS!
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom General Hospital, in a specialized hospital room designed for the President. Mr. Trump is lying in a bed, with Mr. Pence, Mrs. McEnany, and a doctor by his side.]
Mr. Trump: Now this is just very sad! How can I fuck my daughter if there are needles all over me?!
Dr. G: Calm down, Mr. President, you’ll be out in a week or two.
Mr. Trump: Kelpy G?! Is that you?! You’re a musician, war criminal, AND a doctor?!
Dr. G: And I’ll be Biden’s right-hand man after he becomes President!
Mr. Trump: Isn’t Socialist Kamala his running mate?
Dr. G: She’ll be Biden’s right-hand woman.
Mr. Trump: Dr. G, I will not wait “a week or two”. My penis demands sucking NOW!
Mr. Pence: Hey, Donald, now that you’ll be out for a while, how about transferring power to me? You can’t do anything from a hospital!
Mr. Trump: Nonsense, Mike! I can run the country from here no differently than from the White House!
Mr. Pence: [fake coughs] Yeah, it’s not like you do your job anyways.
Dr. G: [scared] Mr. Vice President, have you been infected?! [takes out a needle]
Mr. Pence: What?! NO! I was faking it! I always practice social distancing! I swear!
Mr. Trump: Once again listening to stupid liberals, I see. I will never trust you with this office!
Mrs. McEnany: Mr. President, can you tell me how you’re feeling right now?
Mr. Trump: I’m feeling pretty horny. Wanna get on my lap?
Mrs. McEnany: I mean, how is the Plague affecting you?
Mr. Trump: Well, the doctor says he’s never seen a body combat the Plague like my body!
Dr. G: I never said that!
Mr. Trump: I’m gonna make a quick recovery. It’ll be beautiful, just like my boaters— [passes out]
Dr. G: [horrified] WAIT! Before you die, pardon me! I can’t risk The Communist Onion and Pineapple winning the election and then throwing me in jail!
[Silence.]
Dr. G: ANSWER ME!
Mr. Trump: [regains consciousness] Don’t tell anyone about this incident. [passes out again]
[Cut to a press briefing right outside the hospital room a few minutes later.]
Journalists: Mrs. McEnany, can you please report to Bikini Bottomites the condition of our President?
Mrs. McEnany: Of course. The doctor says he’s never seen a body combat the Plague like the President’s body! He’ll be a-okay!
Dr. G: I never said that!
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: I must say, Trump’s infection changed everything. The upcoming vice presidential debate will probably be the most important one in history.
Mr. Perkins: Let’s hear what the other presidential candidates have to say about these developments.
[Mr. Pepperchicken, Mr. R'Onion, Mr. Renaud, and Mr. Biden are seen on a screen behind Mr. Perkins.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: He got what he deserved, for selling out to the gay lobby!
Mr. R’Onion: He got what he deserved, for killing trees!
Mr. Renaud: He got what he deserved, for refusing to pardon me now!
Mr. Biden: Let’s get the facts straight. Trump is a racist, sexist, homophobe—there’s no doubt that he’s a fascist. He’ll kill you if he wins in November. That being said, I wish him a speedy recovery, because we’re Bikini Bottomites, and we don’t let our political differences influence our personal relationships.
Mr. Perkins: Meanwhile, the Republicans are prepared to hold a vote to confirm Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court. Let’s take a look. 
[Cut to a Senate Republican conference.]
Mr. McConnell: I can’t believe that sexual degenerate ditched us for the Green Party! Now I’m not sure if we have enough votes to confirm Judge Barrett! Not only will Senator Sullivan not vote, but also Senators Murkowski, Collins, and Romney—
Mr. Romney: Don’t worry, sir, I’ll always vote for the President’s nominee.
Mr. McConnell: Didn’t you vote for the removal of the President?
Mr. Romney: Ehm...that was a different Romney. We can’t have Sleepy Joe installing a communist on the court!
Mr. McConnell: If all goes well, we can get a vote on confirming her before Election Day. But after losing three senators, I don’t know how this could get any worse— [coughs]
Mr. Romney: That was a loud cough, Mitch, you sure you don’t have the [coughs] Plague?
[Suddenly, all the Senators in the room begin to cough.]
Mr. McConnell: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Cut to BBTV Studios a few hours later.]
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! Every Senate Republican on the Judiciary Committee has tested positive for the Plague! This will likely hamper the process to confirm Judge Barrett.
[Cut to the Lobster residence.]
Mr. Lobster: I’m telling you, this is all some mind control scheme. Notice how so many conservatives have been infected, but no liberals or leftists!
Mrs. Lobster: Maybe it's because they never wear a mask...
Mr. Lobster: Pft, masks?! You know, whenever I see someone wearing a mask, I immediately know they lean to the left!
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: I doubt it would hamper anything. Just look at how Republicans have treated the Plague. Everything will carry on as usual.
Mr. Perkins: What can the Senate Democrats even do to prevent the confirmation?
Mr. Chillyrooster: They could delay, delay, and delay. Push through useless bills. Make all sorts of objections. And if necessary, shut down the government. The judicial nomination automatically expires when the congressional term ends, which is in a few weeks.
Mr. Perkins: I suppose we should ask them about this. Folks, we’ll now be having a raw interview with uh...Socialist—I mean, Senator Bernie Sanders! [takes out his phone, puts it on speaker, and calls Mr. Sanders]
Mr. Sanders: [on the phone] Hello?
Mr. Perkins: Greetings Bernie. What are your thoughts on how the Plague has infected every Senate Republican?
Mr. Sanders: I wish my colleagues well.
Mr. Perkins: We’re predicting that this isn’t going to delay the confirmation process of Judge Barrett. What is the Democratic plan to prevent her from getting on the Court?
Mr. Sanders: We’ll vote against her, or boycott the vote.
Mr. Chillyrooster: [grabs Mr. Perkins’ phone] Mr. Sanders, what about pushing through useless bills, making all sorts of objections, and shutting down the government in order to delay the vote until the nomination automatically expires?
Mr. Sanders: Huh? We don’t do that, we play nice.
Mr. Chillyrooster: You can’t be nice at a time like this! So much is at stake!
Mr. Sanders: C’mon, Chillyrooster, be decent. We cannot have such partisan obstruction. Now, I have a Biden virtual rally to attend to, thank you for this interview. [hangs up phone]
Mr. Chillyrooster: No wonder he lost the primary. Way too nice.
[Cut to the Banana residence, where the news is playing on TV.]
Mr. Banana: Why are they interviewing that communist? Bernie is nothing more than a partisan obstructionist, and he’s totally indecent towards anyone who doesn’t agree with him on 100% of the issues! No wonder he lost the primary. Way too rude.
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: This just in, we’re hearing that the second presidential debate may be virtual as it falls inside the President’s Plague quarantine period.
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom General Hospital, where the news is playing on TV.]
Mr. Trump: WHAT?! Virtual debate?! Absolutely not, they would cut me right off while I’m speaking!
Mrs. McEnany: The date of the debate is within the quarantine period, you have no choice.
Mr. Trump: Of course I do. Kayleigh, I am immune to this Plague. I’ll do just fine. [coughs]
Mrs. McEnany: Perhaps we can postpone the debate to next week, but I don’t think the Biden camp would agree.
Mr. Trump: SAD!
Dr. G: [walks into the room] Good news, Mr. President, you’re getting better. You’ll be out in approximately six days.
Mr. Trump: SIX DAYS?!
Dr. G: I know! Perhaps you were right about having a body like no other, most folks stay in here for much longer!
Mr. Trump: I’ve got rallies to hold! I’m getting out of here right now!
Dr. G: You’re kidding?
Mr. Trump: NO! Secret Service, take these needles off me and bring me back to the White House!
Secret Service Agent: I don’t know, boss, the doctor says—
Mr. Trump: You know who else is a doctor? Me. Now do as I say, I’m your boss!
[The Secret Service takes the needles out of Trump and brings him and Ivanka into the presidential boat to go to the White House.]
Secret Service Agent: Are you alright, boss?
Mr. Trump: Of course I am! This was all just a hoax anyways— [passes out]
Ivanka: [horrified] DADDY!
Secret Service Agent: Shit, what do we do?! We should turn back to the hospital!
Mr. Trump: [regains consciousness] Nah, just hook me up with something. [passes out again]
Ivanka: I’ve got just the thing!
[Ivanka takes out a syringe of mutated chum, and injects it into Mr. Trump.]
Mr. Trump: [regains consciousness] Wow, that’s amazing! I’ve never felt this happy since I last fucked you!
Ivanka: Thanks, daddy!
[Cut to the White House a few minutes later.]
Mr. Trump: Is the camera on?
Cameraman: [turns on camera] Yes. We’re going live in 3, 2, 1—
Mr. Trump: What’s up, losers? Did you miss your favorite president? I’m back at the White House! Anyways, I’m here to promote this beautiful, beautiful thing my daughter gave me, and I’m not talking about her pussy this time. I’m talking about [takes out a syringe of mutated chum] this! I’ve ordered the Department of Health to produce millions and millions of vials of this legendary substance—it’s not gonna be free though, unless you’re a politician, because we don’t do socialism! But you should buy it, as it’s tremendous, I’m telling you, I never felt better. And one more thing, I’m not participating in the next debate if it’s gonna be virtual. The fake news media would cut me right off! So I guess that’s it. By the way, I just nuked Rock Bottom once again.
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season