Episode 109: Charles Aznavour/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 109: Charles Aznavour.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Charles Aznavour!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	I don't approve of belly dancers. Why can't they dance on the floor like everyone else?
 	He cracks up. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Charles Aznavour!
 	The Muppets gather around Charles.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo hits the "O" and Big Ben's bells chime.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. Fozzie peers from the curtain.
Kermit 	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Fozzie, what are you doing?
Fozzie 	I'm checking the house.
Kermit 	Will you get out of here?
Fozzie 	Sorry. (hides himself)
Kermit 	Bonsoir, bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs. Uh, that's "ladies and gentlemen". You'll notice a little French sneaking into my speech, and that's because our special guest tonight is none other than that international star, Mr. Charles Aznavour. But right now, let's raise the curtain, strike up the band, and get things moving on The Muppet Show.
 	A female Whatnot stands in front of a mirror as orchestral music swells up.
Woman (FB) 	Tonight … Tonight … won't be just any night.
Oh, he will soon be here. Be still, my aching heart.
 	
 	She sings "I Feel Pretty" as she prepares to go on a date, removing her features piece by piece and replacing them with the face of a horrible monster. There's a knock on the door.
Woman (JH) 	Come in.
Beautiful Day Monster	Hiya, honey.
Woman (JH) 	Ooh!
 	They embrace. Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit sits at his desk, reading the paper.
 	
Gonzo 	Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit	Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment.
Gonzo 	What would I do with your ear?
Kermit	Van Gogh impressions.
Gonzo 	Oh.
Kermit	Gonzo, do you have to take everything so literally?! It's just an expression.
Gonzo 	Uh, Kermit, what I wanted to know was, was, uh, you know, I've noticed that I haven't been on uh, on stage for the last couple of shows.
Kermit	Good observation.
Gonzo 	Yeah, well … uh, Kermit, I have a lot of fans out there, see, who are waiting to see my latest theatrical creation.
Kermit	Uh, Gonzo, I have seen you eat a rubber tire to music, and I have seen you play a concert on your head with a mallet.
Gonzo 	Yeah.
Kermit	And, Gonzo, my dear friend, it doesn't work.
Gonzo 	What? Kermit, you – I don't – You gotta understand, I don't play for the masses. I'm an artist. You understand that? An artist.
Kermit	Yeah, well, then you should've gotten my Van Gogh joke. Listen, Gonzo, why don't you get yourself a manager? You know, somebody who could guide your career.
Gonzo 	Yeah? All right, OK. I will. All right. I'll do that and then you'll see. You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo. Only one!
Kermit	Thank goodness for that. (walks away)
Gonzo 	Ehh, yokel! Rube!
=="The Old Fashioned Way"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, right now it's a real treat to present a star who has written and sung so many beautiful songs. And right now he's going to sing one of my all-time favorites. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Charles Aznavour.
 	200px
 	Charles dances with Mildred in "The Old Fashioned Way" as pairs of Full-Bodied Humanoids dance in the background.
Waldorf	You know, I love French singers.
Statler	I love French fries.
Waldorf	French fries? I don't get that.
Statler	You didn't order any.
==Backstage==
 	Scooter and Gonzo approach Kermit.
Scooter	Hey. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit 	Mm?
Scooter	The Great Gonzo wants me to manage him.
 	
Gonzo 	Yeah, Scooter understands the soul of a true artist.
Scooter	Mm-hmm.
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, but, Scooter, I hired you as a gofer. Gofer coffee, gofer sandwiches, remember?
Scooter	Yeah, well, I can still do that, but Gonzo needs personal management.
Gonzo 	Oh, I do, Kermit, I truly do.
Scooter	Yeah, I'm gonna change his whole repertoiry. I'm gonna have him do a rock act.
Kermit 	A rock act? But Gonzo can't sing.
Scooter	No, no, I mean a rock act. Show him, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Yeah, watch.
 	Gonzo puts a rock on Kermit's desk.
Scooter	OK, hit it, kid.
Gonzo 	OK.
 	Gonzo starts hitting the rock with a mallet.
Gonzo 	Art! Art! Art!
Kermit 	Out! Out! Out!
 	Scooter and Gonzo scat away.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
Announcer 	And now, "Veterinarian's Hospital, " the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
 	Piggy walks to the operating table, where the patient is hooked up to the oxygen tank — wait, no — it's Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	This is D for "Doc," B for "Bob," saying turn off the joy juice. (laughs, then puts it up to his ear) Hm? Yeah, ten-roger. OK. Now, where were we? Uh, pulse.
Miss Piggy	(listens, gasps) No pulse, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Heartbeat?
Janice 	(listens) No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone.
Miss Piggy	Oh, four hours operating and he went just like that.
Rowlf 	Yes, doesn't the time go fast when you're having fun? (laughs)
 	
Janice 	Too bad, Dr. Bob. Your record was so good. You saved nine out of ten.
Rowlf 	My record is still good. This week he was number ten. (laughs)
 	They all look up and look around when the announcer speaks.
Announcer 	So Dr. Bob's record is still good. It's now ten on the medical hit parade, with a bullet. Tune in next week when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy	Oh, I hope no one hears about this, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Well, at least he won't say anything.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	I get it!
==Dressing room==
 	
Charles	Hilda, you can't imagine how hungry I get before a performance, so thank you for having this supper sent in for me.
Hilda 	It is my pleasure. It's everything that you ordered. There is — there is roast chicken, and salad, and French bread.
Charles	But, Hilda, this is not French bread.
 	
Bread 	Voyons, cheri, mais j'ai l'accent Francais.
Charles	Of course, I could be wrong.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. First we go to Mildred and George.
Mildred 	Uh, George. George!
George the Janitor	Yeah?
Mildred 	Do you read very much?
George the Janitor	Oh, all the time.
Mildred 	Oh. Uh, do you like Kipling?
George the Janitor	Oh, well, I don't know. I never Kippled.
 	Next we go to … a rat and a banana?
Rat 	I don't know why, but I just love you.
Banana 	Well, you know how it is with us bananas. We have appeal. Get it? A peel. (laughs)
 	And then the two pigs.
 	
Miss Piggy (RH) 	What is it you do for a living?
Pig (RH) 	Oh, uh, I'm a garbageman.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	That's fantastic! Do you deliver?
Pig (RH) 	Well, yes.
 	Back to the rat and banana.
Banana 	Come on, baby. Let's go do what we bananas do best.
Rat 	What's that?
Banana 	Split.
 	On to Animal and his partner.
 	
Woman (FO) 	Do you know what it's like dancing with you?
Animal 	No. What?
Woman (FO) 	One, two, three, dip!
 	She dips him violently.
Animal 	Oh, I love it. More! More!
Woman (FO) 	One, two, three, dip.
 	She dips him violently.
Animal 	Yeah! More! More!
==UK spot==
	
	The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband sings "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?"
==Talk spot==
Kermit 	OK, Charles, I can't tell you how honored we are to have you on our show tonight.
Charles 	Why, thank you, Kermit. It's my pleasure.
 	
Kermit 	Hey, listen. Can I ask you a question?
Charles 	Of course.
Kermit 	Well, how come Frenchmen are so lucky in love?
Charles 	Well, we have a great advantage, you know. The language.
Kermit 	Language?
Charles 	Yes. You know that French is the language of love, so if you want to be a great ladies' man … learn French.
Kermit 	Well, that wouldn't help me. See, none of the girls I know speak French.
Charles 	Well, that doesn't matter, you know, in fact, sometimes it helps.
Kermit 	I don't follow.
Charles 	I will show you. Uh, Piggy? Mademoiselle Piggy, would you come here, please?
Miss Piggy 	(coyly) Mm-hm?
Charles 	She doesn't speak French, I suppose?
Kermit 	No, she doesn't speak a word of French.
Charles 	Good.
Miss Piggy 	Yes, Charles?
Charles 	Vous savez, votre carter a une fuite et votre transmission s'ecroule.
Miss Piggy 	(swoons, shivers) Oh! Oh, Charles.
Charles 	Mm-hm.
Kermit 	Uh, oui. Hey, listen, uh, you really got to her. What did you say?
Charles 	Well, I said, "Your oil filter has a leak and your transmission is sagging."
Kermit 	(chuckles) That's incredible.
Charles 	One more demonstration?
Kermit 	Yeah.
Charles 	You know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna whisper in her ear, uh, the telephone number of Paris garbage dump, you know?
Kermit 	Paris garbage dump.
Charles 	Mademoiselle Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Yes, Charles??
 	
Charles 	Le numero de telephone de cet etablissement est Trudaine 2767.
 	She goes into hysterics, kissing him and grunting.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, Charles. Oh! Mwah! Mwah! Oh, oh, Charles.
Kermit 	Oh … I knew that would happen. Charles, listen, on behalf of all the Muppets, I wanna say how sorry we are.
Charles 	Sorry? Sorry? I just met the girl of my dreams. Piggy? Piggy? Oh, Piggy?
 	He gets up and walks towards her.
Kermit 	Well, one man's poison is another man's bacon. (chuckles)
 	She reemerges, and karate-chops him.
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH! … Barbarian.
 	She stomps on him and walks off.
Waldorf 	I love the French tongue.
Statler 	I love pig's tongue.
Waldorf 	Pig's tongue? I don't get it. Oh! I know –
Statler & Waldorf	"You didn't order any."
Statler 	(laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit reads the paper. Hilda enters.
Hilda 	Kermit.
Kermit 	Mm?
Hilda 	Kermit, that nephew of the theater owner.
Kermit 	Scooter? What about him?
Hilda 	He is going to drive me to bananas. He has gone all through the wardrobe. He wants The Great Gonzo to do a costume act.
Kermit 	Hubba-hubba-wha?
Scooter	Hey, chief. Uh, what do you think?
 	Gonzo appears, dressed in drag.
 	
Gonzo 	You think the high heels are too much?
Kermit 	Are you guys nuts?
Gonzo 	Well, Scooter says that — that, that, that female impersonation is a noble art.
Scooter	Yeah.
Kermit 	Of all the dumb acts Gonzo's ever come up with, this is the dumbest.
Scooter	Oh, gee, my uncle loves it.
Kermit 	You go on right after the dancers.
Gonzo 	Oh, oh, good. What do I do when I get out there?
Kermit 	Duck.
 	Hilda chuckles. Kermit leaves.
==Panel discussion==
 	Open on the panelists making chit-chat as the theme plays.
 	
Kermit 	OK, friends. Friends. Um, time again to, uh, raise the intellectual level of our program, and our panel tonight consists of Sam, the American Eagle.
Sam the Eagle	Peace and courage.
Kermit 	And Gonzo the Great.
Gonzo 	Art and culture.
Kermit 	Our own wardrobe lady, Hilda.
Hilda 	Pins and needles.
Kermit 	And Mildred Huxtetter, MA, PhD, OBE, and RSVP.
Mildred (RH) 	Uh, whatever.
Kermit 	Tonight's topic: what is man's role in the universe?
Sam the Eagle	To be decent and to work hard. Next question.
Hilda 	Oh, not so fast, Sam. This is an important question. It has been asked since the beginning of time.
Mildred (RH) 	Yes, yes.
Gonzo 	Hmm, man's role in the universe. That's a toughie.
Hilda 	Oh, Gonzo, this discussion is above your head. Maybe you just better keep it down.
Gonzo 	Check. (he ducks under the desk)
Mildred (RH) 	What's he — what's he up to?
Sam the Eagle	She didn't mean keep your head down! You take things too literally!
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, yeah, please. Now, uh, we don't have much time, so let's get hopping.
Gonzo 	(hops) Hop, hop.
Mildred (RH) 	Oh, no.
Sam the Eagle	I have a feeling that we have perhaps misunderstood the question. Will you stop that hopping? (to Kermit) Who are these weird people?
Kermit 	Uh, just don't pay any attention, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	All right, I suggest that we look carefully at what's before us and break it down into separate pieces.
Gonzo 	Check.
 	He starts whacking the table with his mallet.
Kermit 	Gonzo?
Hilda 	No, no, no, not the table! Oh, heavens to the Betsy. He means the question!
Mildred (RH) 	Yes, but we should be looking for the answer.
Sam the Eagle	Yes.
Gonzo 	Well, I'll look under the table. (he does so)
Sam the Eagle	What is this man doing?
Hilda 	Oh, oh, leave him there. It's best, believe me.
Mildred (RH) 	Well, as to man's role in the universe, I don't think he can.
Hilda 	Can what?
Mildred (RH) 	I don't think he can roll. In the universe. I mean, he's not round enough to roll.
Sam the Eagle	(face palm) This can't be happening.
Mildred (RH) 	Of course, he could enroll, yes, yes, yes. But you can't enroll in the universe.
Hilda 	No, but you can enroll in the university. Ha! A little Hilda ha-ha there.
Mildred (RH) 	Yes … very little.
Kermit 	Yeah, hey, but, listen, uh, aren't we ever gonna find any answers?
Sam the Eagle	Yes, yes.
Gonzo 	Well, there aren't any under the table, that's for sure.
Sam the Eagle	Will you knock it off?
Gonzo 	Knock it off?
 	He whacks Sam in the chest. Sam yelps. Commotion ensues among the panelists.
Kermit 	Well, uh ... tune in next week when our distinguished panel will discuss the burning question, "What are we doing here?" (He tries to calm the others) Quiet ! Quiet !
 	Applause.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, when I say the words "great comedy" it can only mean one thing, so let's really hear it for Fozzie Bear!!
 	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays. Applause.
Fozzie 	Yeah, thank you, thank you. Please don't. Stop. Please don't, stop. Please don't stop! (wiggles his ears) Aaahhh! Oh, I can see you're all in a great mood tonight!
Waldorf 	Well, why ruin it with your act?
Statler 	(laughs)
Fozzie 	Ho, ho, ho. Uh — I could bury you guys with one line.
Statler 	OK, what's the line?
Fozzie 	Uh … uh … Y-y-you just wait.
Waldorf 	Is that the line?
Statler 	(laughs)
Fozzie 	Of course it's not the line! Look, look, I'm gonna tell a joke, and if they heckle – and if you heckle me, look out 'cause I'm ready. Just look out. That's all I can say, just look out. Look out. That's all I can say.
Statler 	Yep, that's all he can say all right. (laughs)
Fozzie 	I learnt to handle hecklers by working in a nightclub so tough, the hatcheck girl was a gorilla. (the audience laughs) There were more people in the band than in the audience and we had a one-man band. (the audience laughs) Uh, uh – I remember when – Hey, hey, how come you guys aren't heckling me?
Waldorf 	We love it. That's funny stuff.
Statler 	Funny.
Waldorf 	Yeah, topical. Hip.
Fozzie 	Oh, oh. Well, well, well … At this nightclub a party of 75 came in.
Statler & Waldorf	(in unison) A lonely old lady, but she didn't drink much. (they laugh)
Waldorf 	Great.
Statler 	And I wouldn't say conditions at the club were bad, but when we asked where we could take a bath …
Waldorf 	… the manager ran us through the carwash next door.
 	They chuckle.
Fozzie 	Hey, hey, fellas. Hey, you guys, will you please —
Waldorf 	Please, please. We work alone.
Statler 	(laughs)
 	
Fozzie 	Aha, aha! That was MY line. MY heckler line. See how it buried … me?
Waldorf 	Maybe we oughta go on the stage!
Statler 	Yes. There's one leaving in five minutes. Be under it. (laughs)
Waldorf 	Don't heckle me, you old fool. Heckle him.
Statler 	Is that a toupee you're wearing or did your cat die?
 	They laugh.
Waldorf 	Help! Heckler run amok. Help! Help!
Statler 	(laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks around.
Kermit 	Hey, Scooter, Scooter. Scooter?
Scooter	Yeah, boss.
Kermit 	Scooter, would you get everybody on stage for the closing number?
Scooter	Right, boss. Oh, by the way —
Kermit 	What?
Scooter	I decided not to manage The Great Gonzo.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah? How come?
 	
Scooter	Well, you see, I gave him the standard 50-page managerial contract.
Kermit 	And?
Scooter	He ate it.
Kermit 	Well, let's hope the contract's not binding.
Scooter	Yeah.
Kermit 	Closing number next!
=="The Inch Worm"==
	
	Charles sings "The Inch Worm" with a chorus of Muppet school children.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, another half-hour has passed by and we've reached the end of our show. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Mr. Charles Aznavour.
Charles	Thank you, Kermit. It's been a wonderful evening for me. The first chance I ever had to make friends with a loaf of bread.
 	
Bread 	Oh, Charles, vous etes le plus grand.
Charles	Merci beaucoup.
Kermit 	Hey, thank you all and join us next time on The Muppet Show.
 	The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Statler	Well, I really liked this show tonight.
Waldorf	At these prices, who's gonna complain?
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts