Transcripts/The Bad Fish Paradigm

==Season 2 - Episode 01 - The Bad Fish Paradigm ==
Scene 	The stairwell.
Leonard 	So you see, what you're eating is not technically yoghurt, because it doesn't have enough live acidophilus cultures. It's really just iced milk with carragenin added for thickness.
Penny 	Oh, that's very interesting.
Leonard 	It's also not pink and has no berries.
Penny 	Yeah, but it doesn't really answer my question.
Leonard 	What was your question again?
Penny 	Do you want some.
Leonard 	Oh, right, no, I'm lactose intolerant.
Penny 	Right.
Leonard 	So, gas.
Penny 	Got it.
Leonard 	Well, good night. (They kiss. Camera cuts away to a wall mounted security cam above the lift. Leonard spots its movement and shuffles Penny away.)
Penny 	What are you doing?
Leonard 	There was a draft.
Penny 	I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard 	Why don't we just go into your....
Penny 	Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard 	No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny 	No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard 	Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we’re going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny 	Or we could just wing it.
Leonard 	That might work too.
Penny 	Goodnight Leonard.
Leonard 	Goodnight. (He throws the camera a dirty look.)
 	Cut to inside the apartment.
Raj 	He's coming. Screen saver.
Howard 	Oh, hey, Leonard, how was your date?
Leonard 	Bite me. Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon 	They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
Howard 	You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your relationship with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard 	What are you talking about, the date went fine.
Raj 	Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard 	Okay, so, she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying “I’m really enjoying this meal, I’m going to slow down and savour it.”
Howard 	No, it's like “this fish tastes bad, so I’m going to slow down and spit it out.”
Raj 	You being the fish.
Leonard 	I'm not the fish.
Howard 	Oh really, did you make a second date.
Leonard 	Well, we sort of decided to wing it.
Sheldon 	Oh, even I know that's lame.
Leonard 	Okay, alright, let's assume your hypothesis. We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed, where could I have possibly gone wrong.
Howard 	Think back, Leonard, the littlest things can set women off. Like, hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us. Or, how much does your mom weigh, I want to know what I'm getting into.
Leonard 	I didn't say anything like that.
Howard 	Good, ‘cos they don't work.
Raj 	They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Leonard 	Look, everything went fine. I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. The woman across the hall is into me.
Howard 	Let's go to the tape. Look at her reaction to the goodnight kiss, no change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Raj 	Nice close up, by the way.
Sheldon 	Interesting, her jaws are clenched, no tongue access, clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard 	That's not a bad sign.
Sheldon 	Please, you might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Raj 	And the worst sign of all is, you're here and not there.
Leonard 	I'm not there because I'm taking things slow. Which, by the way, compared to you guys approaches warp speed. And take down that camera.
Raj 	He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard 	Give him time.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	The laundry room. Sheldon is folding shirts.
Penny 	(Entering) Hi.
Sheldon 	Oh, hi Penny. FYI, the hot water is inadequate on machine 2 so colors only, and 4 is still releasing the fabric softener too early in the cycle so I'd avoid using that for your delicates.
Penny 	(Tipping all her laundry into one machine at once) Thanks.
Sheldon 	Oh, good Lord. Why don't you just take your clothes down to the river and beat them with a rock?
Penny 	Sheldon, may I ask you a question?
Sheldon 	I would prefer that you not, but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny 	Alright, I heard yes, so... okay, here's my question, has Leonard ever dated, you know, a regular girl.
Sheldon 	Well I assume you're not referring to digestive regularity? Because I’ve come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.
Penny 	No, I meant has he ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon 	Oh. Well, a few years ago he did go out with a woman who had a PhD in French Literature.
Penny 	How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon 	Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
Penny 	So, do you think that if Leonard and I keep dating he'll eventually get bored with me.
Sheldon 	That depends.
Penny 	On what?
Sheldon 	Do you have a working knowledge of quantum physics?
Penny 	No.
Sheldon 	Do you speak Klingon?
Penny 	No.
Sheldon 	Do you know any card tricks?
Penny 	Okay, okay, you know, I get it, Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress slash actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon 	Why would you lie about that?
Penny 	Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school and I didn't want him to think I was some stupid loser.
Sheldon 	You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?
Penny 	You know, there are a lot of successful people in this country who are community college graduates.
Sheldon 	Yeah, but you were neither.
Penny 	Right, okay look, this is between you and me, you cannot tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon 	You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penny 	Yeah.
Sheldon 	Well I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
Penny 	What?
Sheldon 	Secret keeping is a complicated endeavour. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expression, autonomic reflexes, when I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a lyme disease research facility. (Long pause.) It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between “tick”, the blood-sucking arachnid, and “tic”, the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
Penny 	Okay, look, if Leonard finds out that I lied, I will absolutely die of embarrassment.
Sheldon 	Physiologically impossible.
Penny 	Oh Sheldon, please, look, I'm asking you as a friend.
Sheldon 	So you're saying that friendship contains within it an inherent obligation to maintain confidences?
Penny 	Well, yeah.
Sheldon 	Interesting. See, one more question, and perhaps I should have led with this, when did we become friends?
Scene 	The stairwell.
Sheldon 	I.e, I couldn't become Green Lantern unless I was chosen by the guardians of Oa, but given enough start-up capital and an adequate research facility, I could be Batman.
Leonard 	You could be Batman?
Sheldon 	Sure. (In a gravelly voice) I'm Batman. See.
Penny 	(Arriving) Hi guys.
Leonard 	Hey.
Sheldon 	(Looking the other way uncomfortably) Hi Penny.
Leonard 	Hey, Penny, if you're not doing anything Friday night I thought maybe we could go and see a movie.
Penny 	Oh, um, you know, I think I have the dinner shift on Friday.
Leonard 	What about Saturday?
Penny 	You know, I'm not sure, the manager hasn't posted the schedule yet, how about I let you know.
Leonard 	Great. So you just let me know when you know. So... (she leaves) Oh God, I am the bad fish! What did I do wrong?
Sheldon 	Why are you asking me, I have no information about your interactions with Penny other than what you provided me, nor do I have any method of learning such things. (Runs away.)
Leonard 	(Chasing him) What does that mean?
Sheldon 	Nothing. You seem to be implying an informational back channel between me and Penny where obviously none exists.
Leonard 	No I didn't.
Sheldon 	I just think you need to be careful how you phrase things, sir.
Leonard 	What's going on with you?
Sheldon 	Well I might ask you the same question. Why do you insist on attempting to drag me into matters which have nothing to do with me? But exist between you and Penny. A person to whom I barely speak. (His eye begins to twitch.)
Leonard 	What's wrong with your face?
Sheldon 	There's no reason to bring my looks into this. Good day, Leonard.
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	I said Good Day! (He leaves)
Leonard 	Good day?
Scene 	The Cheesecake Factory
Penny 	Also today we have a fresh caught Alaska salmon, and that's served with a teriyaki glaze and sticky rice. Our soup of the day...
Sheldon 	(Appearing behind her) You must release me from my oath.
Penny 	Sheldon, I'm working.
Sheldon 	Why don't you take a minute to decide (leads her away) I can't keep your secret Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy based anobo protein in conformational space. Like a renaissance triptych. Like a cheap suit.
Penny 	Oh, look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon 	I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider, located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles south east of Travers City, Michigan. Which you did not hear about from me.
Penny 	Look, just forget I told you about me not graduating from community college. Okay?
Sheldon 	Forget! You want me to forget? This mind does not forget. I haven't forgotten a single thing since the day my mother stopped breast feeding me. It was a drizzly Tuesday.
Penny 	Okay, look, you promised me you would keep my secret so you're just going to have to figure out a way to do it.
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Sheldon 	(Entering) Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard 	What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon 	There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard 	Yeah, there kind of does.
Sheldon 	Not necessarily. This is a classic example of munchausen's trilemma. Either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons leading to an infinite regression, or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements, or it's ultimately circular, i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard 	I'm still confused.
Sheldon 	Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
Howard 	(Entering) Hey, qu’est q’was up?
Raj 	We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticised human cadavers.
Howard 	And some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon 	If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.
Howard 	That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard 	It's not you, Howard, he says he's moving out.
Raj 	What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard 	No.
Raj 	Did you take a band aid off in front of him?
Leonard 	No.
Howard 	Did you buy generic ketchup, forget to rinse the sink, talk to him through the bathroom door?
Raj 	Adjust the thermostat, cook with cilantro, pronounce the T in often?
Leonard 	No.
Howard 	Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard 	I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.
Raj 	Well, we all knew this day was coming.
Leonard 	That was fast.
Sheldon 	It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. Recommended by the department of homeland security. And Sarah Connor.
Leonard 	Where are you gonna live?
Sheldon 	Until I find a permanent place I will stay with friends.
Howard 	Bye (runs out.)
Raj 	Well you can't stay with me, I have a teeny tiny apartment.
Sheldon 	Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Menushya Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder?
Raj 	I hate trains.
Sheldon 	Don't be ridiculous, you love trains.
Raj 	Yes I do, come on. See you later Leonard. (Sheldon drops keys in bowl and leaves without a word.)
Leonard 	This could work.
Scene 	Raj's apartment.
Sheldon 	This is a very old building.
Raj 	Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon 	Uh-oh.
Raj 	What?
Sheldon 	Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Raj 	Not until now.
Sheldon 	I can't believe I didn't bring my gieger counter. You know, I had it on my bed and I didn't pack it.
Raj 	Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
Sheldon 	I'm kidding, I packed it. It was a joke, I was subverting the conversational expectations. I believe they call that the, um, old switcheroo.
Raj 	Terrific.
Sheldon 	(Referring to Bollywood singing on television) Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Raj 	Yes, isn't she an amazing actress.
Sheldon 	Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Raj 	How dare you. Aishwarya Rai is a Goddess. By comparison Madhuri Dixit is a leprous prostitute.
Sheldon 	Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Scene 	Howard's house. The door rings.
Howard 	Who is it?
Voice 	Strippergram. (Howard opens door. Outside are Raj and Sheldon.)
Raj 	Tag. You're it. (Runs away.)
Howard 	Shouldn't you have put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?
Scene 	Howard’s bedroom. Howard is in bed, Sheldon is on a blow up mattress on the floor.
Sheldon 	I’ve never slept on an air mattress before. No lumbar support whatsoever.
Howard 	Maybe you'd be happier on a park bench?
Sheldon 	I don't see any way to get a park bench in here.
Howard 	Do you want to switch?
Sheldon 	No, that's fine. I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
Howard 	Get out of bed, we’re switching.
Sheldon 	Now, only if you want to.
Howard 	Just get in the bed!
Mrs. Wolowitz	(Off) What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
Howard 	We’re just talking ma.
Mrs. Wolowitz	If you don't settle down right now, I'm not going to let you have any more sleepovers.
Howard 	For God's sake, ma, I'm 27 years old. It's not even a school night! (To Sheldon) Comfy now?
Sheldon 	Meh. That poster of Halle Berry's a little unnerving.
Howard 	So don't look at it.
Sheldon 	She's like my fourth favorite catwoman.
Howard 	No kidding?
Sheldon 	Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.
Howard 	What about Lee Meriwether?
Sheldon 	Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.
Howard 	Well I'm glad that's settled.
Sheldon 	That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite catwoman. There's Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether...
Howard 	Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon 	I'm trying, I'm counting catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies though.
Howard 	Oh for God's sake.
Sheldon 	But she's not my favorite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops, oh wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, the Beast, oh wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel....
Scene 	Apartment 4A. There is an urgent rapping at the door.
Leonard 	I'm coming! (Opens the door. Sheldon falls inside, wearing his pajamas. Howard is outside.)
Sheldon 	Hey, there he is, there's my old buddy-bud-bud.
Leonard 	What's with him?
Howard 	Koothrappali dumped him on me, and he couldn't get to sleep, so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's valium in it. But he still wouldn't shut up, so, tag, you're it.
Sheldon 	I'm ba-ack!
Leonard 	I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon 	I can't tell you.
Leonard 	Why not.
Sheldon 	I promised Penny.
Leonard 	You promised Penny what?
Sheldon 	That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Shhhhh!
Leonard 	What secret. Tell me the secret.
Sheldon 	Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can't tell Dad.
Leonard 	Not that secret, the other secret.
Sheldon 	I'm Batman. Shhhhh!
Leonard 	Dammit, Sheldon! You said Penny told you a secret, what was the secret.
Sheldon 	Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard 	I promise.
Sheldon 	Penny lied about graduating from community college because she is afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard 	So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon 	I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard 	Penny thinks I'm too smart for her, that's ridiculous.
Sheldon 	I know, most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry, that's not a secret. Everybody knows.
Scene 	The hallway. Leonard is outside Penny’s door.
Penny 	(Opening door) Hi.
Leonard 	Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny 	What are you talking about.
Leonard 	First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny 	He told you?
Leonard 	Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution. (Hands her a brochure.)
Penny 	Pasadena city college?
Leonard 	A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny 	Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard 	Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny 	Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard 	That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny 	So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard 	Absolutely. (She slams the door in his face.) Okay, this time I know where I went wrong. (Looking up and seeing the camera) Oh bite me!
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Category:Season 2 (The Big Bang Theory)
Category:Transcripts