The White Knight/Episode transcript

This is the episode transcript for "The White Knight"
(The episode opens with a shot of a small village from a hill. Prince Facade enters the shot riding his horse, Magnus. He stops to observe from the hill.)
(Link watches as a swordsmith uses magic to forge a sword)
Link: Boy, I've never seen a place as rich in magic as Hyrule. Everyone seems to know a little.
Zelda: That's why Ganon wants it so badly. (uses magic to fix her hair) He'll stop at nothing to capture it, even a piece at a time.
(the ground rises)
Link: Looks like this village is about to be one of the pieces. (Tinsuits come out of the ground) Stay here, princess!
Zelda: Fat chance!
Link: Tinsuits! My favorite playmates! (zaps several Tinsuits, with one of them dropping a crossbow and Rubies) Whoa, loot!
(a Tinsuit throws its spear at Link and knocks off his sword, then grabs him from behind as more Tinsuits start to come off the ground)
Zelda: Link, the bow! (Link kicks the crossbow at Zelda while more Tinsuits attack him. Zelda then defeats one of them with the crossbow)
Link: Thanks. Ah-hah! Now for that Ruby. (Link walks away but a Tinsuit trips him. Zelda defeats it with the crossbow but runs out of ammo)
Zelda: Drat! Empty!
Link: Let go, you stupid Tinsuit!
(A Tinsuit calls an Octorok)
Zelda: Uh-oh, an Octorok!
Link: Zap him, princess!
Zelda: The bow's empty!
Link: Then blow me a kiss, princess, 'cus I'm in trouble! (The Octorok grabs him and throws him into a nearby barn. The Octorok and Tinsuit see the Ruby on the ground and begin to fight over it)
Link: Oh, no, you don't! That ruby's mine! (The Octorok sends a ball of light at Link but he hits it back with a piece of wood he grabbed, then defeats Tinsuit. Link then gets a rope from his pocket and ties it around the Octorok, but the Octorok begins to run away. Zelda follows)
Zelda: Link! Stop fooling around and zap that monster!
Link: Hey, excuuuse me, princess! Wish I could! (The Octorok comes to a halt since Prince Facade's horse is heard. The Octorok throws the same ball of light at him but Prince Facade blocks it with his shield. He then gets out a crossbow Octorok grabs Link again. Prince Facade zaps it and a ruby drops)
Zelda: Oh, my goodness!
Prince Facade: Greetings! You must be the fair Princess Zelda.
Zelda: I am. And, you are...?
Prince Facade: I am Prince Facade from Arcadia. I have traveled the world and viewed its wonders, but... none have been your match in beauty.
Zelda: Ah... (Link is still on the ground) Uh, Link! Where are your manners? Stand up and meet Prince Facade! This is my friend, uh, well, an acquaintance--somebody I know slightly--his name's Stink.
Link: (annoyed) Link. Pleased to meet you, your Highness.
Prince Facade: A pleasure, I'm sure! (Prince Facade doesn't greet him by hand because Link's hand is dirty) May I offer you a ride back to the castle, princess? My steed can carry you, too. 
Zelda: Why, thank you, I'd be most grateful.
Link: Hey! What about me?
Prince Facade: I'm afraid Magnus can't carry three.
Zelda: Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine, Link!
Link: Ah, almost forgot! (goes to grab the Ruby, but Prince Facade gets to it first)
Prince Facade: Mine, I think.
Link: Hey!
Prince Facade: I did defeat the Octorok, after all. Farewell!
Zelda: See you back at the castle, Link!
Link: Eh, right.
(at the Underworld)
Ganon: So...Prince Facade, the sickeningly handsome face of Hyrule, is he. Hmm... this could be most fortunate. I've dealt with Prince Facade before, and I know his weakness. He's brave enough, but he's vain, very vain! Proud of his looks. He'd never let himself get dirty, not even to save the princess! So... if things work out as I plan, this could be my opportunity to capture Princess Zelda, and conquer all of Hyrule!
(at the castle)
King Harkinian: So, prince, I hear we owe you a debt of gratitude, eh? Saved one of our villages single-handedly, eh? Good show, good show! Uh... what was your name again?
Zelda: Oh, daddy! He's Prince Facade, the famous adventurer!
Harkinian: Adventurer! Adventurer... didn't we have one of those around someplace?
Zelda: Well, there's Link, of course, but he's not in the prince's class. Prince Facade is wonderful.
Prince Facade: Oh, no, I wouldn't say that.
Zelda: Well, I would!
Prince Facade: Well, if you insist.
Harkinian: Where is Link anyway?
Zelda: Who? (gets closer to Prince Facade)
(in Link's room, where he is taking a bath)
Link: I swear... It's like Zelda doesn't even know I exist anymore.
Spryte: Hi, Link! I brought you a clean towel.
Link: Thanks, Spryte... "(realizes Spryte is in his room)" Ah, Spryte! Get out of here, I'm taking a bath!
Spryte: I know. You look cute. Need your back scrubbed?
Link: No! I'll handle it myself. Did you get those clothes I wanted?
Spryte: I did, but I think you're making a mistake, Link.
Link: Zelda wants a prince, she'll get a prince.
Spryte: Oh, Zelda's a snoot! I like you just the way you are... especially at the moment.
Link: Out, out of here! Let a guy take a bath in peace!
Spryte: Sure you don't need your back scrubbed? (Link throws a bar of soap in her direction and closes the door with it)
(in the King's room)
Prince Facade: So then, after I defeated all fifty of the monsters, I turned my attention to Ganon himself.
Zelda: Oh! Have you fought Ganon?
Prince Facade: I have indeed. And I taught that brute a lesson, I--
(Link walks in)
Link: Hi, everybody! Telling lies, eh? Mind if I join you?
Zelda: Link, what ARE you wearing?
Link: Oh, this old thing? Had it for years. (Link trips with his own boots and everybody laughs. Humiliated, Link leaves)
Zelda: Link... Link!
(in Link's room)
Link: She laughed... she laughed at me! She laughed! (rips off his clothes)
Spryte: Oh, please, Link, calm down! You did look kind of funny. In a nice sort of way, I mean. But I mean, I'm sure Zelda didn't mean--
Link: Save your breath, Spryte! I'm gone! If Zelda wants her Triforce protected, her prince precious can do it. I just quit!
Spryte: Link!
Link: See you around, Spryte. (jumps out of his room and lands on his horse) Let's hit the road, Catherine. This place makes me sick.
(at the Underworld)
Ganon: (from his lair, Ganon sees Link riding out of the castle) Just as I anticipated... Link is gone! That leaves just the prince...and I know how to deal with that vain braggart! (summons monsters from the evil jar) Go get Princess Zelda... now!
(in the King's room)
Prince Facade: And as the final creature vanished, I realized that I had saved the city at last!
Zelda: Wow... you're so wonderful.
Prince Facade: True, but you are also wonderful, my dear princess Zelda. (He leans in to kiss her but Tektites come in. Prince Facade goes to grab his crossbow, but the tektites swarm him over. He is eventually able to defeat them, but by then the Moblins have already thrown Zelda out the window, where a Zola catches her)
Prince Facade: Zelda!
Link: (hears Zelda scream) She's in trouble! I, well... Aw, heck. (turns Catherine around in the direction of Zelda's screams) I'm such a sucker.
Zelda: Put me down, fishlips!
Prince Facade: Zelda!
Zelda: Help me!
Prince Facade: I'm coming! (The Zola gets into the muddy water) Oh, mud! No, I'm afraid not. I DO have a reputation to maintain.
Zelda: Help! Help me!
Prince Facade: Sorry, princess. No can do, I'm afraid. These are my hero's clothes, and heroes do not simply get dirty.
Zelda: What? Why you useless fop!
(at the Underworld)
Ganon: I knew that vain braggart would never jump in the mud. He's more worried about his looks than the princess. Victory is mine! Raise the swamp entrance.
(Zelda sees swamp entrance rise)
Zelda: Ah! Help me!
Prince Facade: I'm sorry, princess. Maybe next time. Best of luck. And I mean that, really. 
(Link rushes in with Catherine)
Link: Hang on, Zelda! Hold it right there, Zola. She's not worth saving, but I'm doing it anyway. (Zola launches a light beam but Link blocks it with his sword) Your choice, Zola. Eat this! (sends three sword beams and defeats it)
Zelda: Um... thanks, Link. I guess.
Link: Hey, it's a dirty job, princess, but somebody's gotta do it.
Zelda: I'm glad it's you, Link.
Prince Facade: Zelda, you're safe! I'm so glad, really. I would have done it myself, but... you know how it is.
Zelda: You...! (Zelda makes Prince Facade fall into the mud, who drops the Ruby and Link picks it up)
Link: You're my kind of girl, princess. Kiss me.
Zelda: No...! You're all muddy!
Link: So are you.
Zelda: Doesn't matter. No.
Link: Aw, c'mon, princess!
"(Prince Facade turns to the camera while shrugging)"