Scarlett Johansson's (and others) Leaked Pics

== Transcript ==
So, Scarlett Johansson is in the news this week. Turns out she's the latest "victim" of hackers who target celebrity email addresses and cell phones to steal naked pictures of them. Now if you've listened to any of my previous work, you already know where this is going, but piss on it, I'm going there anyway. Yes, hackers shouldn't exist, and it'd be nice if they'd find something better to do and blah blah blah, but seriously! Do you know what's the ultimate hacker proof plan for celebrities to not have naked pictures stolen from their cell phones? Not taking naked pictures of themselves on their cell phones! It's 100% effective. The fuck is wrong with people these days? Why is it that IQs seem to have dropped at the same rate as the price of camera technology over the last several years? I mean, you had the Pam Anderson sex tape years ago, and then the Paris Hilton one, but I mean, those were expected, and I don't even really believe they were really stolen or leaked, ultimately, they wanted those out there, it did exactly what they wanted it to do for their careers. But now every goddamn girl who's known by more than eight people has naked or half naked pictures of themselves on the internet, as leaked by their phones. Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgens apparently a couple of times, that chick from The Forty Year Old Virgin and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, Hayley Williams from Paramore -- and the question shouldn't be, "How do these people get the pictures?" The question should be, "Why do these pictures exist in the first place?" What was the thought process behind this? "Oh, my phone has a camera in it! I'm gonna take a picture of myself naked!" Do you know how amazing this technology is? Only twenty years ago, around the time many of these little skanks were born, a camera cost a shitload of money, and you had to buy film for it which only allowed a limited number of pictures which you couldn't just delete -- once you hit the button, that was the shot -- and then you had to take that film to an actual fucking building to be developed -- or turned into pictures -- by a machine that costs tens of thousands of dollars, and the end result was that you got one copy of it. You could have more, but it cost more money. And now, all of that technology, all of that technology, is in a five inch block of plastic that you could carry in your pocket and also use for twenty million other purposes, and this is what it gets used for! You know what, never mind. Let's forget for a minute that it's a complete waste of absolutely amazing technology, manufactured by some kid in China making eight cents a week, answer this question: Why did you take the naked pictures of yourself if you didn't want them seen in the first place? George Eastman must be rolling in his grave or, I don't know, maybe he invented the camera to take pictures of dumb sluts, but clearly, as it's happening to other celebrities, they must've known the risk involved and did it anyway. Scarlett Johansson -- or "ScarJo" as you may call her if you're a complete loser with no life -- went to the FBI, but her privacy's been invaded, the pictures are out there, and anyone they catch will just be one of many who are out there capable of this type of hacking, so what difference does it make? Here's a better idea. If you're a celebrity, or just some little skank in general who likes taking slutty pictures of themselves but doesn't like them being seen by the entire internet, don't take them! Or be a lot more careful about it. Take them with a regular digital camera, put them on a USB stick that you can wipe out later, or, if you absolutely must send them via phone, delete them right after, along with your sent history. There's always still a chance they'll leak, but there's an even better chance two members of your family that produced offspring were blood related, and you should be wearing a bike helmet at all times to protect what few working brain cells you have left.