Spirited/Transcript

[At night, rain falls down on the headstones on a dark cemetery surrounded by bare, spindly trees.]
??? (narrating): Do people really change? I mean, real, lasting, positive change. I sure hope so, because we are in the business of change.
[A tall shadowy figure in a black hooded robe points his bony finger at the back of a woman kneeling at a grave.]
Karen: Please. Please. [sobs] I’m sorry. [crying] I’m so sorry. [She turns to the cloaked figure] I’m sorry. I… I… I… I won’t yell at the neighbor’s kids anymore. I-I-I’ll take back the claim against the Johnsons, even though that tree house is a flagrant violation…
[The woman begins to sink into the ground]
Karen: I’m sorry! No! No, no! Please! I… I can change. I… I promise! Please. Please, please, please. Please, I… I…Please give me another chance. I can change!
[She sinks fully under the dirt.]
??? (narrator): Don’t worry about her. In a few minutes, she’ll wake up in her bed. Dry, rested and hopefully a whole new person.
Yet-to-Come: All right! She’s back in bed. Could I get a coffee over here?
[Another spirit materializes, holding 3 coffee cups labeled “Past”, “Present’, and “Yet to Come”. Two others appear.]
Ghost #1: Coffees flying in.
??? (narrating): You see, this is just a supernatural simulation. And these are my colleagues, The Ghost of Christmas Past, Christmas Yet-to-Come…
Yet-to-Come: No doubt.
Present: Oh, boy. That looks good. Thank you.
Present (narrating): And that’s me. Mr. Brad Pitt. No. No, I’m kidding. I’m The Ghost of Christmas Present. I’m not Brad Pitt.
[The Ghosts sip their respective coffees.]
Present: So, you think she changed?
Past: I mean, I don’t know. This one was a serious tight-ass.
Yet-to-Come: Of course she’s changed. I brought her face-to-face with her mortality, and that’s when I close the deal every time.
Past: Anyone can point to a headstone. Everyone agrees with me.
Present: Guys, please.
Yet-to-Come: You know what? I do way more than just point at it. That hurts me.
Present: (to base) Yet-to-Come is a wrap. Inform Mr. Marley our perp will awaken in two minutes.
(In the Spirit realm)
Ghost #2: Copy that. Marley-san, Marley-san! [speaks Japanese]
Marley: Already?
Ghosts #2: Yeah.
Marley: Excellent. Thank you, Kazuko. Very exciting. Spirits, gather up, one and all! Research, Locations, Costume Department!
[support ghosts cheering]
Present: This is our dedicated staff of support ghosts. They work so hard to make us look good.
HR: Okay. We are walking. New recruits, I know you’re freshly dead, but let’s look alive. You’ve enlisted at the perfect time. They’re on their way to find out if the person we’ve haunted is really going to change.
New Recruit #1: Can we go see that?
HR: No. Come on.
[The title appears.]
[A snow filled suburb neighborhood]
Present: And this is the moment we worked all year for.
[Children play hockey, but the ball is pushed out of bounds]
[children] Oh!
Father #1: No, honey, don’t go in her yard! 
Mother #2: We don’t want her calling the police.
Kid #1: It’s okay. I can get it.
[The woman from the graveyard stops the ball with her foot. Onlookers gasp]
[neighbor] Sorry, Ms. Blansky. We’ll take the game down the street. We don’t want any trouble today.
Karen: What day is this?
Kid #1: It’s Christmas Day.
Karen: The ghosts did it all in one night.
Onlookers: Are you okay? Do you need us to call someone?
Kid #1: Or do you wanna play?
Karen: Me?
Kid #1: Sure. I-If you want to.
Karen: After all the times I’ve reported you to the HOA or called the police or s-stolen your packages? [chuckles]
Onlooker: You did what?
Karen: Huh?
[The neighbors trade looks as the girl gives Mrs. Blansky her broomstick and sets the ball.]
Kid #1: Go ahead. Give it a try. It’s fun.
[The other kids ready their sticks.]
Kid#1: Yeah!
[Karen swats the ball, and the snow freezes in place. She gapes and walks into the street. The neighbors stand frozen in their game and the red ball hovers above her head. She circles underneath it with a look of awe and glances at the frozen neighbor children. She turns back and sees a group of ghosts. In a top hat, Mr. Marley leads the gray-haired Present, the young Past, and the cloaked Yet-to-Come. Theatrical support staff follow behind them.]
Marley: Congratulations, Ms. Blansky.
Karen: I did it? You mean it’s really…
Present: You're a different person now, Karen. Go make amends, and make us proud.
Karen: I will. I promise you, I will!
[The ghosts cheer]
Yet-to-come: Attagirl, Karen!
Karen: Appreciate it so much. All the way in the b… Ow!
[Time resumes, and the ball hits her on the head as she winces. She smiles and runs to goin the group.]
[Karen] Oh, could I join in?
[The ghosts dance as they return to their theatrical world.]
Present (narrating): So, that’s what we do. We haunt someone, change them into a better person, and then we sing about it.
Present: ♪ You wait for the day, You prep for a year ♪
♪ And when the big day is finally here ♪
♪ You take a jerk and work To turn ’em around ♪
New Recruit #2: Why are they singing?
Margo: Oh, because this is a musical.
New Recruit #1: What is?
Margo: All of this. The afterlife.
New Recruit #3: Yay! [chuckles] I had a feeling.
New Recruit #1: Aw, come on. Really?
Marley; ♪ You show them their life And you hope for the switch ♪
♪ And when it goes off without a hitch ♪
Ensemble: ♪ This Christmas train is party-bound ♪
Marley: Bring on the Chili of Positive Outcome!
Ensemble: ♪ We’re giddy with a holiday Goodwill gleam ♪
♪ ‘Cause helping out is sweeter than eggnog cream ♪
♪ We might be dead, But we’re living that Yuletide dream ♪
♪ We’re full of that Christmas morning feeling ♪
Present: ♪ Is there a morning more appealing? ♪
Marley and Yet-to-Come: ♪ The magical mood when being merry Is very necessary ♪
Ensemble: ♪ We’re changing all mankind ♪
♪ We planted the seeds and joy is blooming ♪
♪ Now we got one less hateful human ♪
♪ We’re doing the world a world of good ♪
♪ Putting some nice Into the neighborhood ♪
Present: ♪ Playing our parts, changing hearts One by one ♪
Ensemble: ♪ We got that Christmas morning feeling And damn, is it fun ♪
[A line of ghosts tap-dance in matching tracksuits as the new recruits look on]
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
New Recruit #2: Dude, I can’t dance like this. Are you gonna be able to keep up with all this?
New Recruit #1: I mean, if I start dancing, I’m gonna shut it down, man. Everybody gonna look bad.
Ensemble: ♪ We’re full of that Christmas morning feeling ♪
♪ The tingle when Jingle bells are pealing ♪
♪ Everything’s super holly-jolly ♪
Past: ♪ It’s like we’re all on Molly ♪
Present: ♪ But it’s a natural high ♪
Ensemble: ♪ Whoo! Everything shines a little brighter ♪
♪ I’m feeling warm as apple cider ♪
♪ We’re doing the world a world of good ♪
♪ Feels like a kick-ass Christmas should ♪
Past: ♪ Playing our parts, changing hearts One by one ♪
New Recruit #2: Hey, does somebody clear out our search history after we die?
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
[As the ghosts continue their dance, Present slips past doors labeled “Hall of the redeemed.” In the center of the hall, a low gate surrounds a glowing hexagonal portal. Towering walls feature statues in rows of lit-up archways. Present watches a new statue of the woman he haunted. It reads, “Karen Blansky”.]
Margo: Excuse me, sir.
Present: Oh, hey, Margo. I was just avoiding you.
Margo: Yes, sir. I get it. But, you know, it is my job to review your file after each haunt. So, you have been eligible for retirement for 46 seasons.
Present: Yeah.
Margo: And you’re still here. Like, all the time.
Present: Well, I believe the work we do here is very important.
Margo: Yeah, yeah. But don’t you want another crack at life? [inhales sharply] God, I miss drinking.
Present: Huh?
Margo: I used to go so hard with my girls back in Tampa.
Present: Wait, aren’t you in HR?
Margo: I have a tramp stamp on the front and the back. We were crazy. We stole a cruise ship one time.
Present: Look, HR, I don’t know if that’s the right area for you…
Margo: Figgy pudding.
Present: Wh… I’m sorry, what?
Margo: It says in your file that you liked figgy pudding. Don’t you wanna try it again? Don’t you wanna go back on Earth and do person stuff again?
Present: Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I… I died before there was indoor plumbing, so I…
Margo: Well, um, it’s been fun chatting and everything, but, um, there’s, like, a whole party going on, so…
Present: Okay, but I feel like you started the conversation.
Margo: Anyway, 46 seasons. Crazy. [chuckles] Just saying. Maybe it’s time.
[Margo leaves Present alone.]
Present: Maybe she has a point.
♪ Is it time to find out if I'm ♪
♪ Meant for more than just a Christmas morning feeling? ♪ 
♪ I could co back to Earth, retire, just peace out ♪ 
♪ Another chance of the life I’ve been dreaming about ♪ 
[He holds out a hologram of a house]
Present: Maybe I buy a quaint little house on a quiet street. I meet a nice gal, we get married and start a family. And then, at the end of each day after work , we have a loving embrace and now of those newfangled, modern mouth kisses. That’d be nice.
♪ Is it time to find out if I'm ♪
♪ Ready to reach beyond than just a Christmas morning feeling? ♪ 
♪ To be human again, alive once more ♪ 
♪ Take some swings at the things I missed out on before ♪ 
[Now he holds up another hologram of a playground
Present: And there’s me goofing around with my two kids who share the same first initial. Little Rebecca and her-- her brother Reggie or Robert or -- rrraaaarI don’t know. I’ll think of a good “R” name.
♪ But what if I screw up my life again ♪
♪ Like I did the first time through ♪
♪ Could I really be someone better ♪
♪ Someone kinder, someone new? ♪
♪ But no, no, no ♪
♪ I’ve gotta make more of a difference here ♪
♪ There’s so much left to do ♪
♪ With all the trolls and a-holes out there ♪
♪ Well, and I doing the world a world of good ♪
♪ And have I given it my all? ♪
♪ Or am I just full of it? ♪
♪ Am I just full of sh-♪
[Marley interrupts.]
Marley: Heeeey, come on now, potty mouth. Bit inappropriate for the day. I know, I know, old friend. This is just your usual post-haunt comedown, yeah?
Present: It’s more than that, Jacob.
[Marley smiles and directs him to the statues. One is of Dolly Parton]
Marley: Look at this place, mate. Every single one of them’s a soul that we’ve redeemed. Together. So, fret not, sunshine. For in two weeks’ time, we scout the next season’s perp, and I’ve seen the file on this one. Manages a fancy hotel in Vancouver. 
Present; Uh-huh? 
Marley: Right vile little bastard. You’re gonna love him. Just what you need to get back up on that horse. So, come on now. Stiff upper. Big-boy pants.
[New scene - A Canadian hotel marquee reads: “Vancouver Welcomes National Association of Christmas Tree Growers”. Inside the luxurious lobby, a manager addresses a janitor]
Manager: Hey. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You.
Janitor: Walter.
Manager: No one cares what your name is, and no one should have a mustache on their lip and forehead. Why are you crossing through my grand lobby, hmm? These Christmas Tree conventioneers pay top dollar to be here, so they don’t have to look at or think about people like you, you walking plunger.
Marley: So, did I tell you? Abusive, stingy, self-centered.
Past: I like that he goes against the Canadian stereotype.
Yet-to-Come: Yeah, it’s weird to see a Canadian without mittens.
Present: I mean, yeah. He’s an absolute turd in a suit.
Yet-to-Come: Mm-hmm. 
Present: Right? But, I’m just wondering - hear me out. This guy, and he’s terrible...
Marley: Mm-hmm. 
Present: ...(sigh) but if we change him, does he create enough ripples to make a real difference? That’s all I’m saying.
Marley: Make a real difference? Four hundred people work for him. Bit sad, isn’t it? Disgruntled, yeah? Taking it out on their kids.
[Suddenly, a sharp-looking and dressed man phases right through Marley in front of Present. The man talks to someone over his EarPod.]
???: It’s designed to be offensive. Outrage is a drug. Listen to me, the second you tweet that word, CNN is no longer talking about how you just boned the teacher’s union. Trust me, Senator. Post it.
[The man walks straight through Present. Mouth agape, Present turns to watch him disappear into an auditorium. The others trade looks as Present follow him.]
Yet-to-Come: I don’t know.
[In a backstage, Present walks up the steps.]
Speaker: (over microphone) Our guest today manages PR for AT&T and the NFL. He’s helped senators, governors, even presidents get elected.
Audience member: All due respect, Marty, we’re on our butts here. This trade group can’t afford to hire some fancy New York media consultant.
???: Got that right.
Speaker: Oh, here he is. Let’s give him a real good welcome. From the, uh, Briggs Media Group, Clint Briggs.
[Clint, the man from the lobby, comes on stage.]
Clint: Thank you, Marty. Always a pleasure. And it is true, I do charge comically enormous fees, which will probably bankrupt your entire organization, but, you know, last week, over 300 million families took down their Christmas trees. Eighty-one percent of which... were fake, plastic trees.
[the crowd clamors.]
Clint: I don’t know why you’re acting surprised. I hit one button on Amazon, and a shiny, new tree is on my porch by the end of the afternoon. Easy-peasy.
[Clint’s MVP Kimberly pulls in a plastic Christmas tree. The crowd is even more upset.]
Clint: Yeah. People, they used to insist on authenticity. Have people changed? Now, that’s the good news. Now, people never change. But you know something?
Real trees are trending downward. Your sales continue slipping.
♪ They destroyed your bottom lines with plastic pines and same-day shipping ♪
Well, you’ve got the better product.
♪ But if you wanna win, you gotta study human nature ♪
[His suit turns full white.]
♪ All those interested, lean in ♪
[The audience leans forward]
♪ People are 1: Lazy; We only care about ourselves ♪
♪ Your competition knows this, so their crap flies off the shelves ♪
♪ But we’re also 2: Desperate to feel good and smart and right ♪
♪ And that’s what you have to harness If you wanna win this fight! ♪
♪ See, what you’re really selling is the way things ought to be ♪
♪ So your pitch becomes compelling, selling more than just a tree ♪
♪ It’s a symbol of your values, it’s your ethics and your cause ♪
♪ You can either be fake like the trees they make ♪
♪ Or take a stand for Santa Claus ♪
[The crowd is impressed by the number]
♪ We’re bringing back Christmas ♪ 
♪ We’re bringing back cheer ♪
♪ We’re bringing back cozy nights, those twinkly lights ♪
♪ The glow of yesteryear ♪
♪ Now, it’s some slight manipulation, but it’s what we’ve gotta do ♪
♪ See, we need some confrontation or your message won’t get through ♪
♪ We’re bringing back decency ♪ 
♪ We’re bringing back Christmas ♪
♪ And that means the piney scent of a real authentic tree ♪
[A woman bites into a candy cane he hands.]
Present: They’re literally eating out of his hand.
Clint: ♪ Oh, it would be, sure, simple to boost your market share ♪
♪ We’d rebrand you as nostalgic, tell your customers you care ♪
♪ But the world is what? Tribal! So, if you want your sales to soar ♪
♪ It’s not enough for folks to love you, they gotta hate your rivals more ♪
♪ As an expert my advice is: Feed that hate, ’cause hate is strong ♪
♪ Folks will gladly pay your prices to prove those Christmas-killers wrong! ♪
[Present puts his hands to his mouth.]
Audience: ♪ We’re bringing back Christmas ♪
Clint: ♪ And all the joy that we’ve lost ♪
Audience: ♪ We’re bringing it back ♪
Clint: ♪ Give me some peace on Earth, A virgin birth ♪
♪ And grandpa getting sauced ♪
Present: Wow!
Clint: ♪ Every Facebook-loving boomer Wants to fight a culture war ♪
♪ So tell your core consumer What the hell they’re fighting for ♪
Audience: ♪ A fight for morality (A fight for morality )♪
Clint & Audience: ♪ We’re bringing back Christmas ♪
♪ And it’s not coming back with some manufactured tree ♪
Present: I want a complete breakdown on him.
Clint: I’m talking a living tree in your living room. As I reach up to place the angel on top, I look out my window and I see my neighbor... Doug, 'cross the street, snapping together his artificial tree.
Present: He’s like the perfect combination of Mussolini and Seacrest.
Clint: Easy-peasy, poor, lazy, deplorable Doug, who cares more about convenience than the happiness and respect of his town, of his country, of our sacred holiday!!
Support Ghost: Clint Briggs. Grew up in Saint Paul, Minnesota. Middle child of three to a single mother. His older sister, Carrie, passed away five years ago. Her daughter, Wren, is now being raised by Clint’s younger brother, Owen. Clint’s company specializes in creating controversy, conflict, and disinformation for the benefit of his clients worldwide.
Present: Oh, my God. He’s perfect.
Clint: It’s not enough to want it! You gotta get mad! You have to fight! You have to fight for the traditions we hold dear!
Present: So persuasive. Kinda makes you wanna push an old lady down a flight of stairs.
Clint: ♪ I’m talking nativities and sweet baby Jeez ♪
♪ Fat honey hams, Mariah Carey jams ♪
♪ Feliz Navidad and the birth of our God!!! ♪
Audience: ♪ Gathered ’round with our families ♪
Clint and Audience: ♪ We’re bringing back Christmas We’re bringing back Christmas ♪
Clint: ♪ Plus a ton of cash ♪
♪ From some good old-fashioned treeeeeeeeeeeeees ♪
Audience: ♪ Oh, the cozy glow of yesteryear ♪
♪ All those twinkly lights And all the cheer ♪
♪ We’re bringing back Christmas We’re bringing back Christmas ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
[Return to Clint on the stage]
Clint: Thank you.
[The crowd goes wild and Clint walks through Present on his way out. Kimberly follows behind him. Present watches the crowed injected with a mix of joy and anger.]
Present: That’s our man.
[Spirit world]
Marley: I’m sorry, this is not our man.
Present: Wait, wait, wait. What? Hold on. Why not? Jacob, the guy causes division for a job. And he’s-
Past: Insanely hot.
[They stare at past.]
Past: Is that not what you were gonna say?
What? I’ve been dead for 40 years, and I’m not made of wood. The man’s attractive.
Present: No, he’s smoking hot.
Past: Smoking hot.
Present: And more importantly, he’s got his hands all over everything.
Past: Yeah. I wish.
[Another ghost taps on her phone]
[Past] Maude, are you texting HR?
Maude: No. Mm-mmm.
Present: Jacob, I’m telling you. He could be our greatest haunt ever. The whale. If we change him, imagine the ripples.
[Jacob Marley throws a file across the table in slow motion. A stamp reads, “UNREDEEMABLE.”]
Past: Oh, great. [scoffs]
Yet-to-Come: That is a flagrant breach of established protocol.
Past: So, we’re stuck with creepy, convention boss guy, then?
Yet-to-Come: Yep. No hot-girl Christmas for you.
Past: (groans)
Present: Okay, okay. Hang on. He’s not an unredeemable because he drowns puppies. [Reads the file] He’s only stamped because he’s “dogmatically committed to the belief that people never change.”
Yet-to-Come: “Never change”? Now I do want a piece of this guy.
Present: Jacob, I’m telling you. I know what makes this guy tick. We won’t fail. Come on. I can take this guy.
Besides, you know it’s been done before.
Marley: Once. Barely. And you know that was different. But with the state the world is in now, I’m not about to risk a whole year of ripples on a lost cause. I’m sorry. We go with the rat-bastard hotel manager. 
Present: In that case, I would like to collect my retirement package.
[ghosts clamoring]
[ghost 1] He said retire.
[ghost 2] Wait, you can’t retire.
Marley: [chuckles] Now, s-settle down, spirits. He’s bluffing.
[ghost 3] Sorry, did you say retire?
Present: Do I look like I’m bluffing?
Marley: Actually, you do. Yes.
[Present tilts his head]
All right, then.
[Mr. Marley holds out a glowing gold pocket watch]
Present: Whoa.
[ghosts gasping, murmuring]
Marley: All you have to do is take it and you’re retired. Back on Earth. Living, breathing and offering opinions on things you know nothing about.
Present: Right. Earth. 
[Present slowly reaches for the watch.]
You know what? We don’t have to do this right now.
Marley: There is no shame in your dedication to the betterment of mankind. Now, if you’ll excuse me.
Present: Jacob, please. I can’t explain it, but if I could just change this guy, maybe I’ll…
Marley: What? Maybe you’ll what? [He hears music] Oh, no. No. There’s no need for a whole big number here. No.
[A spotlight shines on Present.]
Marley: No spotlight. Gary, kill the spot…
Present: ♪ Every day I wake up ♪
♪ With a single dream Running through my head ♪
Marley: Look, I have another meeting I’m actually late for.
♪ To throw a tiny stone Into a mighty stream ♪
♪ And watch the ripples as they spread ♪
Marley: Redeeming an unredeemable is nearly impossible. But if you’ll promise to stop singing, you can have your perp.
Present: Oh, really? Great. Thank you. That’s… That’s quite reasonable. Thanks, Gary. We’re good. You were right on the cue. Guys, he said yes. Let’s get to work.
[ghosts cheer]
Yet-to-Come: Yes!
Present: Do you wanna hear the rest of my song?
(January. Yet-to-Come slaps a photo of Clint onto an empty bulletin board.)
Present (narrating): And so it begins. A full year of research and preparation. 
(March. A crew constructs Clint’s childhood living room.)
Present (narrating): Painstakingly recreating one man’s past, present and future.
(May. Another crew assembles costume wraps.)
Present (narrating): Why do we work so hard? We do it for the ripples.
(A woman adjusts Yet-to-Come’s hood and slaps him when he winces.)
Yet-to-Come: Damn!
(July. A mall is recreated.)
Present (narrating): See, it’s a documented fact that one person’s kindness can have a ripple effect. Spreading goodwill like a pandemic- No-I-Scratch that sorry.
(August. The three main ghosts work on the board and support ghost tap dance on desks.)
Present (narrating): You know, like-- You know when people at a football stadium stand up and do the wave? Like that. More like that.
(September. Ghosts bustle around Clint’s penthouse.)
Present (narrating): Now, finally, I have a perp with global reach.
(November. The project is almost ready.)
Present (narrating): If we can redeem this unredeemable, just imagine how far these ripples could go.
[phone ringing]
Receptionist: Briggs Media Group. One moment please.
Ensemble: ♪ Watch how far the ripples go ♪
[Behind a reception desk, support ghosts do a choreographed dance on a set of risers]
♪ Watch how far the ripples go ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ Ripple Look how far the ripples go ♪
(December.)
Kimberly: Okay. The Billie Eilish-Ed Sheeran beef has been approved by management on both sides.
Clint: Mmm.
Kimberly: Ed will post the insensitive comment on Tuesday and then apologize on Sunday.
Clint: Okay, let’s push the apology back to the day of the VMAs to maximize buzz.
Kimberly: Mm-hmm. Oh, and your niece is here. Apparently, she’d like your help with something, but Owen didn’t say what it is.
Clint: She get the phone I sent?
Kimberly: Mm-hmm.
Clint: Hoverboard?
It’s just… I got a really busy day going here.
Kimberly: [exhales heavily] No problem. I’ll just go tell your late sister’s only kid you’re too busy.
Clint: [chuckles] Top-notch guilt trip, Kimberly. The way you emphasized “late.” Proud of you.
(In Clint’s office with his niece Wren and brother Owen; the ghosts watching)
Wren: Um, so, Uncle Clint, I was thinking that maybe I would run for Student Council President. Um, so, maybe you could help me. Something.
Clint: Wow. That’s… I mean, you know, that requires s-someone who’s very… [grunts] You’ve always struck me as someone who’s more of an inside-voice type of person. So, w-w-what makes you want to run for Student Council President? Go ahead.
Wren: Well, I think I can make the school way better…
Clint: 100%.
Wren: …if they pick me. But they probably won’t.
Clint: Probably not.
Wren: ‘Cause Josh Hubbins is running, so…
Clint: Josh Hubbins?
Wren: Mm-hmm.
Clint: Jo… He sounds like a, you know, a legend at… at…
Wren: Yeah.
Clint: …whatever school you go to.
Wren: Uh, never mind. It was a stupid idea. I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bothered you. [she walks off]
Clint: It’s all right. I have bad ideas sometimes.
Owen: Clint, you promised Carrie if Wren ever needed anything, you would help her. You remember that?
Clint: Yes. Yes, I remember. I…
[Clint eyes a picture of his late, bespectacled sister smiling. Kimberly shakes her head.]
Clint: You’ve already won. You already won. Hey. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. Sit. Sit, please.
[Clint and Wren sit down on a sofa.
Clint: You got this in the bag, but you’re gonna get your hands dirty. You’re gonna say and do things that you will not be proud of.
Owen: Hey, wait a minute, Clint…
Clint: Please hold your indignation, ’cause it’s gonna get worse.
Clint: So, this Joshhhhhh [Wren: Hubbins.] Hubbins, what are his grades like?
Wren: He gets straight A’s.
Clint: Mm-hmm.
Wren: So do I.
Clint: Yeah. That’s good for him, but for you, I prefer C’s.
Owen: She’s never gotten less than…
Clint: (cutting off Owen again) I would love a D in there, so you’re gonna tank your midterms, you’re gonna bank some detentions, and boom. You’re a woman of the people. We cast Josh as a snot-nosed elite. You get?
Wren: I don’t know about this, ’cause he’s actually super nice.
Owen: Yeah, he’s a great kid, really.
Clint: Okay. (to Owen) WILL PUT YOU OVER MY KNEE.
Wren: And his parents have their own non-profit.
Clint: Trust me, he’s hiding something. Everybody is. Kimberly’s gonna do some oppo research. That means digging up dirt. And Kimberly is the best. She is a stone-cold killer. [chuckles]
Kimberly: Opposition research on an eighth-grader?
Clint: Sure.
Kimberly: Okay.
Clint: You hungry? You want a juice box?
Wren: I’m okay.
Clint: Want a Negroni?
[Present follows Kimberly into her office]
Present: You know what? I-I’m just gonna stay on her, just in case this turns into an important story thread that we may wanna follow.
Past: Well, okay. Yeah, I’m gonna stay and watch him put ponytail man over his knee.
[Present watches Kimberly scour the internet in her office.]
Present: Boy, we have similar jobs, don’t we? Digging up dirt on people. [chuckles]
Kimberly: Whoa. What do we have here?
Josh in video: When your parents make you eat Christmas dinner with homeless people. Gross.
Kimberly: Oh, Josh. What did you post? You’re sunk, kiddo. [chuckles] You are so sunk.
[She pauses and slumps her shoulder.]
(depressive) I’m doing oppo research on a child.
[Present paces around her desk as she stares off with a melancholy look]
♪ The big corner office, the 12-person team ♪
♪ A slick leather chair, the American Dream ♪
♪ My mom used to clean Ritzy places like these ♪
♪ With their overpriced art and their walls of degrees ♪
♪ Well, now it’s all mine with my name on the door ♪
♪ A big, fancy desk on the 38th floor ♪
♪ Look at the girl who did right at the height of a hard-won career ♪
♪ What could surpass giant windows of glass ♪
♪ Framing miles of blue ♪
♪ That’s the view from here ♪
[He follows her gaze out the window]
♪ That’s the view from here ♪
♪ They say, “Climb the ladder no matter the cost” ♪
♪ But nobody tells you how much can get lost ♪
♪ That decent and hopeful young woman you were ♪
♪ Well, you wake up one day and you wonder ♪
♪ “What happened to her?” ♪
♪ That woman was made to see good in each heart ♪
♪ But now she gets paid to pull people apart ♪
♪ And, I mean, hey, look at me MVP, employee of the year ♪
♪ Well, maybe I guess That this looks like success ♪
(with Present) ♪ But it doesn’t feel true ♪
♪ That’s the view from here ♪
♪ That’s the view from here ♪
[The sun sets behind skyscrapers. Kimberly wanders outside her office.]
♪ I could keep doing oppo, keep digging up dirt ♪
♪ Pretend I don’t care When nice people get hurt ♪
♪ Block out the guilt that I’d have to ignore ♪
♪ For a raise as I rise To the 39th floor ♪
[Her expression hardens, and she leaves]
♪ Or I can walk out this door and defiantly quit ♪
♪ There’s a line you can’t cross and I think this is it ♪
♪ Oh, maybe I haven’t lost sight Of what’s right ♪
♪ No, it’s perfectly clear ♪
[Kimberly stops before her boss’s door as it opens to reveal Clint and his family.]
Clint: Oh. [stammers] Whoa, that was quick.
Present: Go ahead. Tell him how you feel.
Clint: [gasps] You found something good, didn’t you? See, you… you… you can always tell by the self-loathing expression on her face.
Kimberly: Well, actually…
Present: Yeah. Come on. You can do it.
Kimberly: …I came here…
Present: To say you quit your job, but you want ample severance.
Kimberly: …to say, I…
Present: Yeah.
Kimberly: …found something that should do the trick.
Clint: Yes, you did. Let’s go see. Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
[Employees dance as she trudges back to her office.]
Kimberly: ♪ At the end of the day words are easy to say ♪
♪ But it looks like the walking away ♪
♪ Is a little bit harder to do ♪
♪ That’s the view ♪
♪ From here ♪
[Presents slumps his shoulders. Kimberly returns to her office with the others. The employees settle into their work, and she shuts the door behind her.]
Kimberly: Well, Josh’s family runs a Christmas Day dinner at a homeless shelter.
Clint: He’ll be humblebragging the crap out of that.
Kimberly: But, two years ago, he posted and quickly deleted this on TikTok.
Josh in video: When your parents make you eat Christmas dinner with homeless people. Gross.
Clint: Oh! I am outraged. I told you Kimberly was the best. Once Josh is done trumpeting his annual good deed, Wrenny, you post that video, start writing your acceptance speech, and Bob’s your uncle. Actually, I’m your uncle, so…
Owen: This is, like two years ago.
Clint: Time to go.
Owen: I mean, he’s a kid. He’s in sixth grade. Wait, Clint, please. Can we just hang on and talk about this for a second?
Clint: We only get one elevator a day. So, let’s catch this one. Bye, guys. Clint: Like ya.
Owen: Do it again.
Clint: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Wren gives Kimberly a half-hearted wave and leaves.]
Kimberly: It’s official. I’m a terrible person.
Present: [sighs] No, you’re not.
[Kimberly looks directly at Present. His smile falls.]
Kimberly: Excuse me?
Present: Uh…
Yet-to-Come: What!? Can she see you right now?
Kimberly: Have we met?
Present: Uh…
Past: Can she see me? HEY!
Yet-to-Come: This is crazy.
Present: I don’t think so. 
Past: No.
Present: Huh.
Kimberly: Well, then how do you know how terrible I may or may not be?
Past: Why can she see you?
Present: I don’t know. Uh, well, I’ve always been a good judge of character. It’s kinda baked into my job.
Kimberly: [chuckles] Do you work here?
Yet-to-Come: We have to kill her now, right?
Present: (shocked) No! I’m here on a project.
Kimberly: For Briggs?
Past: What are you doing?
Present: Well, it… it involves Mr. Briggs.
Past: Get out of this. You’re going to get us in trouble.
Kimberly: Really? Which project?
Past: Make something up. Make something up. Abort.
Present: I’m The Ghost of Christmas Present.
Past: (pushes Present) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!
Present: Um, yeah, we’ll be haunting him this Christmas...
Yet-to-Come: You got to be kidding me!
Present: ...in hopes we can change him into being a more positive force for humanity.
Kimberly: [chuckles] Clint?
Present: [chuckles] Clint. Yeah.
[both chuckling]
Kimberly: I’m Kimberly.
[She offers her hand and Present shakes it. He stops cold and stares down at their touching skin. Yet-to-Come points his skeletal finger as they shake.]
Present: Uh… Roberto. C. Fishman. Pratt. Roberto C. Fishman Pratt.
Kimberly: [chuckles] Well. Oh. Thanks for the laugh, Roberto. And the compliment. I needed both of them right about now. Like the outfit.
Present: [chuckles] Thank you.
[chuckling] Mmm.
[Kimberly smiles at him as she returns to her office.]
Past: You know, I think deep down, you wanted her to see you because you’re into her.
Present: I’m not into her.
Past: "Roberto C. Fishman Pratt?"
Preset: Okay, it’s a bad name!
Past: It’s too many names.
[audience laughing]
Comedian: And as if we didn’t have enough to fight about at Christmas dinner, the kind of Christmas tree you have is now a battle on social media. It is. L-Lots of anger on both sides. Apparently, if you have a real tree, you’re a judgmental elitist hipster. But if you have a fake tree, you’re an enemy of Santa Claus, Jesus, and Mariah Carey. And that’s…You don’t wanna bring out Mariah’s bad side.
[At home, Clint watches the comedian and answers a call from Kimberly.]
Clint: Hey. Oh, I’m watching it right now. Yeah. Let’s have our influencers hit it hard. #ChristmasTreeWar. And remind Wren… Rafi, these are amazing. Remind Wren not to post the video of the kid until after he posts from the homeless shelter… Holy bejeebus.
[Beth presents him with a half-hearted Santa suit.]
The suit is amazing.
Wow, Beth.
[Clint turns to see a framed photo of him and his sister floating and jingling. It falls back down.]
Are you guys…
[The house suddenly lies empty.]
Beth?
[A vase in the corner levitates and rings like a bell and modern light fixtures swing in tandem. A bowl of nuts rattles on its own and a lamp rocks back and forth. All the lights in the house shut off. Outside, the city lights go dark.]
Clint: Oh, damn. That’s not good. All right, whoever’s filming me, I’m impressed.
[He turns to see Marley’s withered corpse in shackles.]
Clint: Oh, Jesus! [groans]
Marley: This chain I forged in life is girded of my own free will. Link by link with each soul I made to suffer.
Clint: Very, very, very, very, very convincing. Okay, who…
[Marley sends Clint rolling across his ceiling, shrieking.]
Clint: Oh! Oh, f… Oh!
Marley: ♪ Ye shall find no sleep tonight ♪
Clint: Okay, I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming.
♪ No, this is not a dream ♪
Clint: God, you’re ugly.
Marley: ♪ Many wrongs have ye to right ♪
♪ Dark deeds ye must redeem ♪
Clint: You keep singing, I’m gonna… [grunts] …stand up.
Marley: ♪ Your past, your present And your future ♪
♪ Ye shall soon behold ♪
Clint: This is very, very weird.
Marley:♪ The story of your life ♪
♪ Shall now ♪
♪ Unfold ♪
[Marley tosses up his schackle]
[laughs] Feel my chain!
Clint: Ew. Can I not?
[He yanks Clint down to his couch.]
Marley: ♪ The story of your life, the truth you’re scared to hear ♪
Clint: I…
Marley: ♪ The story of your life A tale of reckoning and fear ♪
Clint: I just have one thing… I just have one thing you really need to…
[singing stops, lights go on, shackles drop.]
Clint: I’m… I’m… I’m so sorry. I’m… I’m stuck on the… On the first thing there. The… You said, “Past, present, future.”
Like A Christmas Carol? The Dickens story? The Bill Murray movie with Bobcat Goldthwait?
Marley: Yes, yes. Like the Dickens book and the Bill Murray movie and every other adaptation nobody asked for. Now, please, if you would just let me get this out. Sit.
Clint: Here. Okay. Uh…
[He sits. Marley clears throat]
[blows raspberry]
Marley: ♪ You might rewrite ♪
♪ The story of your life ♪
♪ Before it’s all too late ♪
Oh. [groans] 
[Lights on again, schackles on the ground.]
What is it? What is it?
Clint: Um, again, I’m so sorry. Uh, so, out of all the people on the planet, murderers, racists, people who do gender-reveal parties, I’m the guy you’re gonna haunt?
Marley: If you would shut up and let me finish, you might understand…
Clint: Yes, sir.
Marley: (gives up) You know what? [chuckles] Forget it. It’s not worth the trouble. Three ghosts coming to save you. Bit more consideration for them than you did for me maybe, yeah?
Clint: Noted.
Marley: Good. All right, then. Cheers.
[Marley plummets through the table and disappears. His shackles follow him, the last one smacking Clint in the face. In the ghost world, support ghosts carry the shackles.]
Marley: I told you. The guy is a level 20 pain in the ass.
Present: You got this.
Past: Yeah. No sweat. All right, team, last looks. I’m going in.
Yet-to-Come: Go get ’em, girl. Knock ’em dead.
[In the apartment, Clint sits up and widens his eyes. He looks around his place, the lights back on. As he stands and scans the room, the lights dim.]
Clint: Oh, come on.
[Elevator doors open and flurries blow around a strutting backlit Past in white and red leather boots, a red collar dress, and a white jacket with a hood. As Past approaches him, Clint’s face relaxes and he lifts his eyebrows in surprise.]
Past: Hello, Mr. Briggs. I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past. Your past.
Clint: [amazed] Hi. Wow. Good. [chuckles] Good. You’re not- you’re not what I was expecting.
Past: No? How so?
Clint: I mean, you’re… you’re lovely.
Past: Yeah, I know. But still, it is nice to hear it.
Clint: I bet.
Past: Thank you. Um, but we should just… We… We should go.
Clint: I… I just… If you don’t mind… Would you mind if I have a quick shower? I just would love to freshen up a skosh…
Past: Shower? Right now?
Clint: The last ghost was a little musky, and I touched his chain.
Past: Oh.
Clint: Ew.
Past: [embarrased] Y-Yeah. Then definitely. You should shower... if you’re feeling dirty.
Clint: Thank you. Okay.
Past: Well, no. I mean, wait. No. We should just… We have to… We have to go. There’s a lot to see.
Clint: Right. Of course. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh.
[They hold hands.]
Both: Soft. Jinx.
Clint: Owe me a beer.
Past: Yeah. Um, we should go.
Clint: Yeah. 
[In the ghost world, Present pins a picture of Kimberly to the bulletin board. Yet-to-Come walks in.]
Yet-to-Come: Hey, Chief.
Present: [gasps]
Yet-to-Come:You got a sec?
Present: Yeah. What’s up?
Yet-to-Come: Look, man. I’m tired of being just the guy who points at stuff.
Present: Right. Well, look, hey, I wouldn’t underestimate the pointing.
Yet-to-Come: Yeah.
Present: I mean, the way you do it, it’s chilling. Hit… Hit me with it again.
Yet-to-Come: (hitting him with it) Boom!
Present: Ah! Okay. You’re very good at it.
Yet-to-Come: Yeah, I appreciate that, but I’ve got some catchphrases I wanna try out. Check these out. “Welcome to the bone zone.” [chuckles] “Bone appétit.” Ha! Or my favorite, “You’ve been Christmas Caroled, bitch.”
Present: I don’t know what to say. Every year during the haunt, you try to talk and nothing comes out.
Yet-to-Come: Yeah, and why is that? 
[Past arrives.]
Past: Dude, it’s not up to him. He doesn’t make the rules.
Present: Excuse me. Why aren’t you on the haunt?
Past: Yeah. Well, get a load of this.
Present: Yeah, I’m waiting.
Past: So, flying him back to his childhood in Minneapolis.
Present: Uh-huh.
Past: And he’s holding my hand. And he can’t help himself, he starts flirting with me. One thing led to another, and, uh, you know.
[She sits.]
Present: Please tell me you’re kidding.
Past: I am…
Present: [relieved] Okay.
Past: …not kidding.
Present: What?!
Past: I know.
Yet-to-Come: Here we go.
Past: It was unprofessional, but, you know, it’s been a very long time since anyone’s tried to get up in my beeswax. So, Mama did something for herself for a change.
Present: Okay. Well, did Mama consider the stakes? He’s an unredeemable!
Past: He redeemed himself a little bit.
Yet-to-Come: Good for you! [Hi-fives her]
Past: Just saying. Okay. Now I feel like he’s judging me.
Yet-to-Come: Mm-hmm.
Present: No, I’m not judging you. I… I don’t even know what to think. Hold on, hold on. Where is he now?
Past: Oh, he’s fine. He’s, um, in his, uh, childhood bedroom in the ’80s.
Present: Alright, we’ll talk about this later. I need you to get back out there and take him through his past.
Past: Right. Yes, okay. But, hey, could you do it? Cover my shift? I mean, I… I feel like it’s gonna be awkward. He’s really into me.
[Present groans in frustration. He holds his side and doubles over as Past nods expectedly.]
Present: [groans] Ow. All right.
Yet-to-Come: Don’t you come back with the same story she did!
[In a blue bedroom with toy cars, a beanbag chair and open books on a lamp-lit desk, Clint dresses and adjusts his suit jacket in a mirror. He notices a toy.]
Clint: Ooh. My Alex P. Keaton action figure. [Kisses it] Hey, uh… uh, ghost girl. When I was a kid, this thing…
[He opens the door to Present.]
Present: Hello, Mr. Briggs.
Clint: Hello. Where’s the other one? Are you also a…
[Clint pinches Present’s Cheeks
Clint: Wow. This... dream... makes zero sense.
Present: This is not a dream, Mr. Briggs. And can you stop touching my face?
Clint: Sure.
Present: I’m your Ghost of Christmas Present.
Clint: Present? What are you doing in my past? See? Dream.
Present: Well, your haunt got off to a bit of a “humpy” start.
Clint: (cheeky) Yes, it did.
Present: So, I will be handling both past and present this evening.
Clint: Of course.
Present: This isn’t my usual gig, so I just need to get a lay of the land, if you don’t mind?
Clint: Sure.
[Present feels the room. Clint tries to walk away.]
Present: Um, yeah. This should do. Okay. Hmm. Uh… [stammers] Hey, I’m haunting you. Y-You can’t just run away from me when I’m haunting you. Hello?
[He appears in another hallway with Clint.]
Present: Hey, hotshot, um…
Clint: Geez.
Present: …you know, it’s totally understandable if you’re scared that you won’t be able to defend your choices.
Clint: Look, Colonel Sanders…
Present: I haunted him, yes.
Clint: The proper way to do that technique is, you…
[He freezes. A preteen Carrie steps inside and leans a skateboard against a wall.]
Clint: Carrie.
Young Clint: Carrie, Carrie! Mom said we can open one present tonight.
Preteen Carrie: Cool.
Mrs. Briggs: Let’s start with, uh, that green one.
[A dog bowl.]
Young Clint: You got me a puppy?
Mrs. Briggs: You’ve only been asking me for a puppy for about, what, a thousand years?
Young Clint: Where is he?
Mrs. Briggs: He’s sleeping in the kitchen.
Young Clint: Sparky! Sparky? Sparky?
Sparky?
Mrs. Briggs: Oh, Clinty, wait till you see him. He’s got the most adorable little white paws and… Oh, my God.
(The kitchen door was left open.)
Mrs. Briggs: How many times have I told you to close this kitchen door when you come back in? If it doesn’t click when you close it, then it lets all the heat out, and apparently, adorable little puppies too. Oh, geez, this is a Christmas tragedy.
[Kid Clint tears up.]
Preteen Carrie: Clint, no, no, no, she’s lying. There is no puppy. She got you a dog dish to make you think that there was a puppy.
Mrs. Briggs: That’s ridiculous.
Preteen Carrie: Then why aren’t we all looking for it? You know, if you spent a nickel on it, we would be out looking all night.
Mrs. Briggs: Oh, that is IT!
[Mrs Briggs grabs her shoe and Carrie runs.]
Mrs. Briggs: YOU’RE RUINING CHRISTMAS!!!
[She races outside.]
Mrs. Briggs: Yeah, you keep on running, missy. Hey, where do you think you’re going?
[Young Clint walks along the street.[
Young Clint: Sparky? Sparky?
Clint: I see it now.
[door slams]
Young Clint: Sparky?
Clint: I see the… I see the… [stammers] The chain of events that led me to be the monster that I am.
[His sorrowful frown morphs into a grin.]
Present: Oh. You’re faking. Very nice.
Clint: [laughs] Sorry. That was too much. What do you expect? When you misread the situation so egregiously? That was the single best Christmas gift that she or anyone else has ever given me.
Present: Hold on. A… A lie about a nonexistent puppy?
Clint: No. The solid-gold lesson that people will believe anything if they wanna believe it. I wanted a puppy so bad that it was better to believe I had a lost dog than no dog at all. That lesson made me so rich, I could buy a million puppies. Plus I never left the door open again, so you know, win-win.
Present: Okay, smarty-pants.
[A server appears with two glasses of wine.]
Clint: Thank you.
Present: No. It’s not for you it’s for her.
More in progress
Category:Transcripts