An Irregular Epic Final Dick Measuring Contest, Part II

"An Irregular Epic Final Dick Measuring Contest, Part II" is the sixteenth episode of Season 3 of Life in Bikini Bottom, and the 45th overall. It serves as the second part of the Season 3 finale.
==Characters==
TBA
==Synopsis==
Tensions rise as the war gets serious, as SpongeCockia faces its greatest adversity yet. (Still not actually a dick measuring contest).
==Plot==
“PREVIOUSLY, ON LIFE IN BIKINI BOTTOM…” Morgan Freeman is heard saying, with a card saying the same thing appearing. We then see flashbacks from the previous episode, where the SpongeCockians are preparing for war, they show L’fuck’s dead body as they declare war, Puss and SpongeCock decimate the Bikini Bottom army, Bastard finds the underground railroad through the Cum Bucket, Sully gets captured, and the showdown between Bastard and X/Kraps/Scotty are all shown in succession. “AND NOW… THE SECOND PART THAT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. OR, MAYBE NOT, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU CUMFELLOWS WANT. ANYWAY, ENJOY.”
Donald Trump: I’m going down to Bikini Bottom, gonna grab myself a pussy!
SpongeCock + Shitward: Fascism is everywhere, you don’t know what you got into!
Joe Biden: I’m going down to Bikini Bottom, gonna sniff myself some hair.
Fatprick: I was gonna take a shit, the government is tryna stop me!
Bernie Sanders: I’m going down to Bikini Bottom, let’s have Medicare for All!
Gory: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!
Mr. Kraps: They just took all of me money…
Sheldon Bastard: So come on down to Bikini Bottom, because you’ll be my slave here!
				BACK ON THE SURFACE
Puss, SpongeCock, and Shitward all keep pushing back against the air force, moving backwards while continuing to fire several shots back at them. Trump and Biden are shown in the background, watching from behind a rock. “See Joe? When you need help, you call in the big guns. I used to think they were losers, but when I realized that they got me everything that I wanted, well shit, they’re okay in my book,” Trump says while patting himself on the back. “Hm, so that’s all I gotta do to get Mr. Pineapple to love me, huh?” Biden responds, as SpongeCock is shown to be reloading his blaster. He gets hit with a couple bullets that go right through his holes, hitting Puss behind him. “Holy shit, Puss, are you okay,” He asks, as she lays on the ground. “Pick me up. It ain’t my time yet,” she says with a fierce look in her eyes, as she gets right back up and fights back, killing several soldiers. Trump and Biden facepalm in the background. “Oh frick it with peanut butter jelly and top it with cum,” both say in unison.
We cut back to the pineapple base, where X, Kraps, and Scotty are all firing against Bastard and Polfgecks, who has now transformed into a drone that Bastard is riding on top of. The drone fires several mini missiles at the trio, causing them to flee their hiding spots and trip on the ground. “YOU!” Polfgecks shouts, “NO ONE CAN BEAT ME WHEN I GET MY FINGERS ON THE BALL!” Scotty gets hit and drops his blaster as he jumps into Kraps’ hands. “SAVE ME UNCY KRAPS!” “UGH I CAN’T SHOOT NOW!” Kraps yells. “You’re losing me money, you accident.” Kraps also gets hit, leaving just X alone with Bastard and Polfgecks cornering him. “Well, well, well, the guy we had to settle for because Tupac wasn’t there,” Bastard says while laughing. “Yeah, so? I’ve done more for this place than you ever will,” X responds. “Okay, bud,” Bastard chuckles. “Polfgecks, finish him.” He walks off as Polfgecks flies up again. “This is for making that unproductive, satanist filth known as MUSIC! THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!” X looks nervous as he continues to crawl back from Polfgecks.
It quickly cuts to the surface again, were Puss, SpongeCock, and Shitward are all catching their breath as a result of the attack. “Damn, this war shit sucks,” SpongeCock says. “Yeah. I think it’s time we spark a J,” Shitward says, as he pulls out an ounce of kush. SpongeCock grins “Ayy, count me in!” “No Js until we win this shit for certain,” Puss commands. “Don’t get comfortable. Not in the past, or now.” The camera zooms out as it shows Fricky and Fatprick running over to them, as Fricky yells “GUYS! GUYS!” “Fricky, Fatprick, you two were supposed to be holding it down at the fort! And where’s Sully?” Puss asks. “Sully got taken,” Fricky confesses while breathing hard. “And we almost got captured too?” “Not me,” Fatprick rebuts, “you really think they could pick my big ass up?” “Well if you two fuckheads are here, then where’s everyone else?” Shitward asks. At that moment, Trump, Biden, and several air force generals walk up to them, all having guns in hand. “SpongeCockians…” one of the generals announces smugly. “You remember Shattered Penis, don’t you?” Shattered Penis walks over, also with a gun. “You know, you all made a great effort. But you just can’t fuck with the best,” he says, cocking back his gun. “Man, to think I was just about to smoke a victory joint,” Shitward says, as they all put up their blasters. “So, this is it,” Biden says. “Let the best perverts win,” Trump adds on. “Too bad you won’t be winning,” Puss continues, as we alternate shots of both sides looking on menacingly. We zoom out to show both sides ready to fire, before a loud sound is heard by all of them. “What the fuck was that?” SpongeCock asks. “It sounds like it’s coming from…” they all turn to SpongeCock’s pinyapple, as its leaves droop down and the platform is raised, showing Bastard and Polfgecks.
“ATTENTION EVERYONE! STOP THE WAR FOR A SECOND! I HAVE IMPORTANT INFORMATION,” Bastard yells, as it shows Trump and Biden. “Augh, finally he shows up,” Trump says. “It’s like he was getting all cleaned up just to give me head.” SpongeCock gulps and starts sweating. “What the fuck is he doing on my house?” He asks, as Fricky leans into him. “WE HAVE INFILTRATED THE SPONGECOCKIAN LAIR. WE NOW HAVE ACCESS TO ALL OF THEIR SECRETS, AND BETTER YET, WE CAN END THIS WAR ONCE AND FOR ALL. Isn’t that right, Polfgecks?” Polfgecks lifts up X, Scotty, and Kraps, all of whom are tied up with duct tape over their mouths. “WHAT THE FUCK? This can’t be…” Puss starts, as Bastard cuts her off with his obnoxious laugh. “Bikini Bottom is BACK, baby!” Bastard yells as he goes back into the pinyapple. “Welp, we’re screwed,” Fricky says, as all 5 of the SpongeCockians present are wideeyed. Shattered Penis whistles, catching their attention as the look behind them. All of the people from that standoff grab their guns and bash them over their heads, knocking all 5 of them out as they all start dragging their bodies to the pinyapple. Trump is shown trailing all of them as he drags Fatprick’s body. “Urgh, you bitches really left me with the fat one?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Donny,” Biden starts, “it’s not like you look any better!” Trump rolls his eyes as he keeps dragging him.
They all get to inside of the pinyapple, where the entire Bikini Bottomite and US forces have infiltrated the SpongeCockian base. Bastard leads the charge as he runs up to ComputerBitch. “Aw honey, I’m here to take you back to your rightful owner!” He tells her. “Um… owner?” “Oh, uh, wife. Well in that case I keep my original statement.” Bastard turns around to see Biden, Trump, and the others dragging the unconscious SpongeCockians into the room. “Perfect! Tie them all up,” he orders. “You know Sheldon,” Shattered Penis begins talking. “You’ve exceeded our expectations as the supreme leader of Bikini Bottom. It’s about time you work more closely with the US. Ready to initiate?” “Yessir, you know I’m loyal to America! Hey ComputerBitch, bring SpongeCockia to Area 51. It’s about time we finish these fools!” “Fine, but only if we can have Among Us Poopy Kitten Time later tonight,” ComputerBitch says as shit keeps flashing on her screen. “Initiating extraction.” We cut to the outside where the ground is shaking, as the entire region of SpongeCockia lifts itself off of the ground and starts rising. Biden and Trump start pouring a few shots in the background. “Welp, we finally won, Donny,” Biden says while they clink glasses. They both slam the shots, as Biden starts shaking his head. “It’s only been one shot, Joe,” Trump says, as Biden responds “Yeah, but I’ve never actually won anything legit, so let me celebrate this one.”
All of the SpongeCockians are shown to be tied up to chairs, all of them still sleeping in one row. SpongeCock is the first to wake up, as his eyes fade open and suddenly widen. “What… what happened? Guys, wake up!” SpongeCock kicks Puss, who is sitting right next to him, as she wakes up too. “What the fuck? Hey Bastard, what’s going on here?” she yells at Bastard, who is being transported by Polfgecks. “We beat you guys, that’s what’s going on! We found your base and now we’re taking you to where you all should be.” “The bathroom?” Fatprick asks. “No. Area 51!” “Why there? Can’t you just take Sully? He’s already been there before, he’s used to it,” Shitward reasons, as SpongeCock rolls his eyes. “Where is Sully anyway?” Polfgecks is shown to be a lot fatter than normal as he rubs his belly. “Uh, I don’t know where he could be…” he then lets out a massive burp as Sully comes flying out. “Goddammit! I thought you only ate leaves and crickets!” “That’s unproductive. I’m a pescatarian now,” Polfgecks says as he shrugs. A few US soldiers are seen tying Sully up. “Listen losers,” Fricky starts, “you can’t just do this and not tell me who my mom is. We’re not gonna let you do this.” “I thought you might say that,” Bastard says. Everyone in the room aims their gun at them, as they all freeze. “That’s right. Fuck with us, you get the firing squad. Execution style. Some of you are in deeper waters than others. LOOKING AT YOU, PUSS!” “Oh come on, what did I even do?” “You’re the whole ringleader! You’re worse than Osama on 9/11! Don’t act up, this is your ONLY warning!” Bastard yells at her as he walks away. All of the SpongeCockians sigh. “Welp, we’re screwed,” Kraps says. “None of this would be happening if we got Tupac in the first place…” SpongeCock says, as X looks at him angrily. “No offense, X.”
BACK IN BIKINI BOTTOM
Meanwhile, Bernie is strolling through town. “You know, this ocean thing isn’t half bad,” he says to himself. “I wonder how the war’s going. I mean really, what’s the worst that could hap- oh.” He suddenly stops as there is now a massive hole where SpongeCockia used to be. “See, somehow I feel like there’s supposed to be a pineapple there,” Bernie points out. “Maybe the war’s over.” Bernie then stops for a second. “Oh, who am I kidding, the US is involved, of course it’s not over. What do we do?” At that moment, Bernie is receiving a call from a New Kelp City area code. “Hello?” he greet.
“Bernie, it’s Fatdick,” Fatdick says as he sounds concerned. “And me, Dan!” Dan shouts from the background, still in his cage.” “Shh! You only talk when I tell you to. Anyway, I know about everything,” Fatdick says. Bernie nods. “Speak.” “Basically, SpongeCockia is losing. Badly. Bastard found the base and now they’ve extracting the entire country from the ocean floor. I’ve been trying to get ahold of them but they haven’t answered. I saw you bailed, however.” “Well yeah, why would I die for these people,” Bernie asks. “I’d die for them, I created them,” Dan says from the background. “Just like how I’d die for my one true love…” he pulls out a picture of Lola Bunny and kisses it. “We’ll be reunited soon, my precious.” Bernie shakes his head “Tell me, Fatdick, how are we supposed to get SpongeCockia back?” “The secret weapon is you, Bern. I’ve been saying that. Your side is choking this. You need help. Get yourself to SpongeCockia as soon as possible before your friends all become Area 51 plants,” Fatdick warns him. “And what am I supposed to do?” Bernie asks. “You’ve been doing this for decades, Bern,” Fatdick says. “You have to trust me. Do what you’ve done best. You were never given a chance. Now it’s time.” “I’ve also been heavily against war for decades, so why should I abandon that?” “Drastic times call for drastic measures. You’re the only man in US politics capable of pulling this off.” “Ayy, good shit, Bern,” Dan says. “Oh, shut up and write some prostitutes into the show, I wanna get pegged for the low,” Fatdick hisses at Dan. “Now go, you don’t have much time.” Fatdick hangs up. “How the hell do you hang up after dropping that? Besides, how is he gonna find SpongeCockia?” Dan asks. “I dunno man, write him a jetpack or something,” Fatdick tells him. “Wait. If I can do that, can’t I just write it so we win and everything goes back to normal?” “What, you’re telling me Mr. Bigshot over here thinks he can write the US a loss? Haha, you should be a comedian.” Dan sighs as he pulls out a pen and paper.
THE FLOATING SPONGECOCKIA 
More shots of the Bikini Bottomites celebrating as the SpongeCockians remained tied up are shown, as all of them sigh during the partying and chanting in the background. “This is hopeless!” Fricky yells, “why did we have to get ourselves in this mess?” “We had to fight back, son,” SpongeCock tells him. “It’s what we do.” “Well we can’t give up now,” Puss responds. “Fight. Fight until the end,” she says as she winks. “Come on, those Area 51 mfs are ruthless. We would know,” X says as Sully nods. “Don’t worry. We’re gonna get you out for free. Watch this,” Puss says as she turns around and starts grunting. Her veins pop out as she starts sweating profusely. “DRASTIC TIMES CALL FOR DRASTIC MEASURES!” she yells as she yells out a battle cry. She then puffs up into her round version, breaking out of the rope and now rolling on the floor. “Puss the pufferfish is in business!” “Oh, you’re a pufferfish?” Fatprick asks. “I thought you were just fat like me,” he says, breaking out of the rope himself by pushing against it with his gut.
Trump, Biden, Shattered Penis, Bastard, and everyone on the Bikini Bottom side is shown doing the Conga while “fukumean” by Gunna plays in the background. They all yell “EEYUP!” alongside the adlibs as they suddenly hear Puss yelling. “Stop the track,” Bastard says. Polfgecks yells “FINALLY!” and then throws himself onto the speaker, destroying it. The camera pans to all of the SpongeCockians now free as Puss unties Fricky, the last one stuck. “Thanks P. I know I can count on you,” Fricky says, as they all see the Bikini Bottomites staring at them. “Ahem…” Biden and Trump say at the same time, as several soldiers already begin to point their guns at them. “Oh come on, you know you can’t stop us,” SpongeCock taunts. “Yeah, we’re too tuff!” Shitward agrees. Bastard comes walking over behind the soldiers. “Gentlemen, gentlemen, no need to shoot. We can still work this out.” All of the SpongeCockians sigh in relief. “Well, except for one of them - THE RINGLEADER!” He says, pointing at Puss, who deflates to her normal state and puts her hands up. “We can’t take any chances. Boys, get her ass!” 
Several soldiers immediately put Puss in handcuffs, pulling her over to the wall where they strap her arms and legs down. “This is a war crime, you know! You can’t kill me without a trial,” Puss points out. “War crime?! We’re the motherfuckin US, you think we give two shits about war crimes?” Trump laughs, as he puts his arm around Biden who starts laughing too. “Yeah, I don’t think we’ve done a single legal thing in the past few days.” All of the SpongeCockians look on in fear. “How the hell could they execute Puss?!” SpongeCock asks. “Even she doesn’t deserve this!” Kraps shrieks. “Wait, what do you mean ‘even she?’” Fricky asks in confusion. “Well, you know, she’s killed people, and uh, Antifa!” “Antifa’s on our side, though…” Shitward points out. “Sure, but uh…” “Look, Puss is the best leader we could’ve possibly had. We can’t let them do this. She’s done nothing wrong but fight for what’s right!” Throughout Fricky’s entire last bit of speech, Puss is shown sweating against the wall, as she finally sighs. “I can’t do this. I really can’t.” All of the SpongeCockians gasp in unison. “Well, Puss, any last words before you meet your destiny?” Bastard asks, as several soldiers cock their guns back, aimed at Puss. Puss takes a deep breath in and starts talking.
“Well, it’s about time that I be honest with you all, and more importantly, honest to myself. I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve done a lot of dark shit throughout my life - sell drugs, run gangs, even kill people - but nothing compares to what I did 9 years ago.” We shift to a flashback mode, where Puss is shown walking through the halls of a school. “I was one of the best high school teachers in the ocean. People would come all over the place just to take my boating classes. I worked at a great school, taught great students, loved what I taught, and had a great time. I only had one problem - I wasn’t making enough money. I would always be jealous of my husband’s wealth and I thought I was dead poor,” she says, showing her and Kraps in bed together. Kraps has a big briefcase of money, whereas Puss only has a stack of a few dollars. “Wait! You were… married?!” SpongeCock asks Kraps, to which he shrugs. “Yes, now let me get on with my story! So anyway, I took a quick walk around the city, figuring out what I should do to make a quick buck. I didn’t want to quit teaching, but I also wanted my own side hustle. And that’s when I got introduced to Antifa. Some group of fish stopped me and told me about how they advocate against fascism all over the ocean, all while taking from the rich to earn some money. I was so sucked in that it became my passion. I was with these people from the time school let out to the minute before first period began the next day. Soon enough, I ended up coming home with money that rivaled Mr. Kraps. He caught onto it eventually, as he got suspicious of my copious amounts of money and… new habits in bed.” It cuts to in the bedroom where Puss is slapping a dildo across Kraps’ ass, trying to ram it inside. “Puss, honey, what are you doing? Only LEFTIST women are into pegging… you know around here that it’s Republican or bust!” “Well, I guess I’m busting them,” Puss replies before going back to narrating the story. “Every night, we would get into some sort of argument about how I was brainwashed or working for the deep state or whatever. Soon enough, we both got pretty mad at each other, and we had gone a whole month without having them, you know, close times. That whole time, my classes felt like a graveyard. School no longer felt fun, and more and more of my students picked up on it and would always skip. Except one.” 
We cut into the flashback where a young SpongeCock walks up to Puss’ desk while she’s slumped. “Mrs. Puss, you got a minute?” “Sure SpongeCock, what’s on your mind?” “Well, I was more so gonna ask what’s on your mind. You haven’t taught us anything in weeks, and I’m thinking of joining the others,” SpongeCock confesses. “I already skip my other 7 classes everyday, don’t make this one my smoking period!” “I’m sorry SpongeCock, but I just haven’t been into it. Something else has become my passion. You fuck with the left-wing?” “Uh, those are the ones that like pot right?” “...Yeah?” “Then yeah, they cool. Why?” Puss then gets a grin on her face. “Let me show you something.”
Puss goes back to narrating the story. “I showed SpongeCock what Antifa was like, and he got hooked right away. You would’ve thought this was a drug, because man, he knew how to beat some peoples’ asses. Fast forward a couple weeks, and Bikini Bottom’s Antifa chapter was the best on the ocean floor. No one else came close, all thanks to us two. So one night, we partied hard to celebrate. The whole gang was over, we all got hammered, blazed, you name it, the drug was there. We kicked back without a care in the world. It was 3am, and everyone was on their way home - except SpongeCock and I. And then… then everything went wrong.”
“Damn, that function was lit,” SpongeCock says to Puss. “For real. You know SpongeCock,” Puss begins to confess, “there’s something about you that I love. Just two weeks ago, you were one of my students. And now, I think… I think we’re a lot closer than that.” SpongeCock starts nodding in a way that it’s obvious he’s high. “I agree, Mrs. Puss.” “Please. Just call me Puss,” she says, as she takes off her shirt revealing just a bra and panties. SpongeCock’s eyes shoot wide open. As he starts to grin. “Heehee… show me them titties, girl,” he says while laughing. “Kraps has been a cuck for the last month. Fuck that guy ON GOD! Gimme that dick, thank fuck you just turned 18!” Puss says as she jumps on top of SpongeCock and the camera pans up. It shoots back down as SpongeCock and Puss wake up. “Aw, Puss, that shit was amazing,” he says. “Yeah. Thanks SpongeCock, I needed that,” she says, as they both hug.
“Haha!” Scotty says, pointing at Kraps in the present. “How does it feel that your wife cheated on you with your employee!” As Kraps hits him with his claw. “Haha!” Fricky laughs at SpongeCock, “you were groomed!” SpongeCock’s cheeks are all red. “You know Fricky,” Puss starts up again, “I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you. I think you can figure out how this turns out,” Puss points out. “Hell yeah I can! This fucker thought he was brought new life or some shit, didn’t he?” Fricky says. “No. You were brought new life.” “Huh? I don’t-” Puss continues on her story. “I returned back home with Kraps, who took me to the doctor’s one day because I was throwing up. And that’s when he came back with THIS news.” A younger Dr. Nick walks into the room with a clipboard. “Mr. Kraps, Mrs. Puss, congratulations. You’re pregnant.” “I knew at that moment, I was fucked. Kraps knew it wasn’t his child, and it became pretty obvious that this was from that night with SpongeCock. Kraps and I fought all day long until he kicked me out of the house. He also reported me to the school for having sexual relations with a student. I got fired, my teachers’ license was revoked, and I was off to serve time in prison after getting busted on a heist. When you were born, Fricky, I specifically made sure that you wouldn’t see me. I didn’t want you to be associated with what I’ve done, and we decided that you would have the best life with SpongeCock. So yes, Fricky, it’s true - I AM your mother,” Puss says.
Everyone gasps as the camera zooms out on Fricky. Fricky’s jaw is literally on the floor as his eyes widen. “Huh… but… dad, why did you never tell me?!?!” He asks SpongeCock. “I don’t know Fricky, I think that shit was laced that night. One day I’m balls deep in the teacher, the next day I have to change your diaper. It was probably for the best.” Fricky starts shaking his head. “You… you lived all this time knowing you had a son and didn’t think about him?” He asks Puss. “Yes, I know Fricky, I’m sorry. I wanted to be in your life, but I didn’t want that strain put on you, so I decided it was for the best. Years later, I found my way out of jail, thanks to my Antifa buddies. Soon enough, I was back on the streets, and when 2020 came along, we had the best year ever. Many riots later, we gained notoriety, all while keeping our identities masked. Especially when Bastard came into power - I saw he was making a new school for the fascist Bikini Bottom, so I decided it was my chance to strike. I infiltrated through the inside out, getting a teacher job so I could instead preach some gang shit to fight back. I thought if we had you and Scotty on our side, we would be set. And we were.” Fricky looks surprised. “Wow. So that’s why you didn’t like that I was in Antifa, dad.” “Exactly. I didn’t want you to go through what I went through. If I had a grandson who was also my son, or if you had a son who was also your brother, our genepool would be fucked forever.” “I love you dad.” “I love you son,” SpongeCock says in response, as both of them hug.
“Welp, that brings us here today. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve found myself in a place where I can’t fight any longer. Everything is out in the open and I can’t apologize enough. I won’t be able to handle it, and you all don’t deserve that burden on you. I’ll be accepting my death with dignity and maturity, even if it is the one way I would never want it - through the hands of the state. Again, to everyone - Kraps, SpongeCock, Fricky - I’m sorry. I can’t live like this any longer. It’s time to accept my fate.” SpongeCock and Fricky stop hugging in fear. “No, Pus- I mean mom! You have to fight back! You just came into my life, you can’t leave now!” “It’s for the best… son,” Puss says as she winks at Fricky. Fricky winks back, still crying, as Bastard orders the soldiers to put their guns back up. “ALRIGHT! 3… 2…” Bastard starts counting down, before Kraps stops him. “WAIT! ONE LAST THING! Puss,” he starts, as Puss looks at him while smiling. Kraps puts up his middle finger towards Puss. “This is for cheating on me, you whore ass bitch! We’ll avenge you, though. Alright, light her up,” Kraps gives the okay, as Puss rolls her eyes. “3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Bastard yells, as each soldier fires multiple shots at Puss, spraying her against the wall and officially killing her, as her corpse lays on the ground with blood spilling out. 
“Hm. She looks peaceful like that. Peaceful indeed…” Kraps says, as the other SpongeCockians watch in shock. “You… you killed my mother!!” Fricky yells at the soldiers. “Oh yeah? And what the fuck are you gonna do about it, kid?” Fricky looks at SpongeCock, as they both start nodding. Both pull out blasters that they had tucked in their pants and start firing at the army. Some of them drop dead as the others shoot back. The other SpongeCockians run over to the army and engage in hand to hand combat with them, getting the shit kicked out of them but also returning the blow. Half of the base is now set on fire, as Puss’ corpse continues to lay on the ground. Trump and Biden stand in the background, sipping on beers. “Welp. This is fun,” Biden says. “Yep, sure is,” Trump agrees as they clink glasses and take another sip as the fighting continues.
Fricky and SpongeBob continue to shoot at the Bikini Bottomites and Americans, knocking several down. Shattered Penis is shown having a fist fight with Shitward, both connecting on some punches until Shitward lunges at him and stomps on him. Kraps and Scotty sneak up behind a couple of soldiers, trying to jump them and steal their guns. Both soldiers shoot back at them, barely missing them until Kraps lunges and he shoots him point blank. “Uncy Kraps!” Scotty yells, as he snaps both soldiers with his claws as they drop their guns. He dives for one of them but the soldier shoots him in the foot, causing him to stumble and not get up. Fatprick is still in his original corner, eating ice cream cake before looking at the camera with a deadpan expression. “What? Gotta refuel somehow,” he says, shrugging his shoulders as he finishes the plate. He then throws it to the side, grows into a massive ball as he rolls all over the ground, trampling several soldiers in his path. Sully and X also join into the action, running over to Trump and Biden. Sully grabs both of them with his tentacles, dragging them across the floor and hitting them against it. X pulls out a glock and starts shooting at them as well. “Oh golly gee, don’t touch me THERE!” Biden says while blushing. “This fucking alien throws like a bitch,” Trump says. This makes Sully visibly red as he slams them even more, launching then across the room as X runs up to them, holding them at gunpoint as both start to phase back into consciousness. “Don’t shoot us, we have way too much to live for. In fact, I have an idea, an idea so great, you’ll love it,” Trump suggests. “What’s that?” X asks. “Shoot Hillary Clinton.” Trump says proudly, as Biden looks at him while shaking his head. X then fires a bullet at Trump, hitting him in the head, making him fall unconscious but not bleeding. Biden laughs. “Hah, he always bragged about not getting shot first. I’m clearly the superior pedophile.” X then shoots Biden too, as he lays on top of Trump with his hands conveniently around his crotch.
Bastard and Polfgecks, who have watched this entire situation unfold, sit on the top deck completely dumbfounded. “How are we losing this? AGAIN?!” Bastard yells. “Nevermind that, boss. Look! THAT THUG SHOT THE SCRUNKLY! Just like with George in Minnesota!” Polfgecks yells, zooming in on Trump and Biden’s unconscious bodies Bastard looks on in confusion before getting angry. “That’s it! GRAAAAAHHHHH,” he yells, as he turns into a bigger version of himself with abs. “SEE! I CAN DO THIS TOO!” “Wow, you’re making my stocks rise, boss!” Polfgecks confesses. “I bet I am! It’s time we take this back by FORCE! I WON’T SIT BACK AND WATCH US LOSE THIS WAR!” Bastard yells, as he goes down onto the floor. First, he runs over to X and Sully who are still laughing at Trump and Biden. Sully tries to wrap his tentacles around him but can’t, causing him to create elastic tension that bounces him back to the wall, hitting his head. He then steals X’s gun from him and shoots him in the chest, causing him to fall down and hold it. “Fuck, not again!” He cries. Bastard then goes over to Fatprick, immediately standing in his line. He rolls into him, bouncing off and rolling out of control. By doing this, Fatprick rolls over an already injured Kraps and Scotty, giving them slight cracks in their shells. Fatprick eventually stops rolling and falls asleep, rendering him useless. Shitward continues to attack Shattered Penis, who is now bleeding and has no signs of life. He dismounts him as Bastard comes up and ties Shitward into a ball, using his tentacles to knot them up. He then picks him up and throws him at Sully, both of which start bouncing off of each other and get heavily bruised. Finally, he gets to SpongeCock and Fricky, who continue to fire their blasters. Bastard gets in front of them, towering over them and inching closer to them. SpongeCock and Fricky start walking backwards while attempting to fire their blasters, hitting Bastard, who is unphased by every shot. This continues until SpongeCock and Fricky pull the triggers to no avail. “Fuck, I’m out!” “Same!” Bastard then starts laughing, pushing a button on the wall that reads “Activate Captivity.” SpongeCock and Fricky look at each other for a split second behind several chains move up from the ground, going around both and constricting them against the wall. “Aha! Trapped again! That funeral’s gonna include a lot more than just Puss now,” Bastard mocks them as SpongeCock growls.
All of the SpongeCockians are now injured and can’t move, as Bastard and Polfgecks move back to the deck where they look around the place, realizing the damage they have both caused. “Welp, Polfgecks, we really did it this time,” Bastard says. “Now we can truly be productive. I say we should, you know, gas these (((delinquents))) up.,” Polfgecks says. “Why’d you say it like that?” “Look, you and I both know the issue here,” Polfgecks replies. Bastard shakes his head as he pulls out a megaphone. “Well SpongeCockians, it’s been a fun journey, but I think it’s about time it comes to an end.” Bastard then pulls a string that brings out several sniper rifles, all pointed at the SpongeCockians. There is now also a belt strapped around all of them, holding them in place. “It’s clear that none of you can even be trusted to be our slaves. We must eliminate you all!” Bastard continues his evil laugh. “Sheldon, you might want to think twice about this,” Kraps warns him. “Why should I? Then I can also steal your Weed Patty formula! The more the merrier!” He pushes a button that lowers each sniper and puts a red dot on everyone’s forehead. All of them begin to scream. “This can’t be the end! I just found out who my mom is! And she’s dead!” Fricky yells. “We need a miracle. Where’s Bernie when you need him?” SpongeCock asks.
At that moment, the base’s side door opens, as it shows a black silhouette standing on the platform outside. It steps forward to show that it is Bernie, who is standing tall and looking on confidently towards everyone else in the room. Bastard drops his remote and all of the SpongeCockians look on in shock. “Yes! Daddy Bern is here to answer our prayers,” SpongeCock cheers. Bernie steps forward. “You know, SpongeCock, I may be here to help you win, but believe me, y’all aren’t safe either,” he warns, as SpongeCock gulps. Bastard is still in shock. “How… how the hell did you get up here?!” “Oh, I got help from a friend,” Bernie says. Polfgecks rolls back over with a drink in his hand. “Hey, what did I mis- OH NO! STALIN’S PUPPET! TRUMP 2.0! I’ve been dreaming of this day for years…” Polfgecks pulls out a zapper, firing adamantly at Bernie. Bernie shields each blast with his bare hand, however, deflecting them back at Polfgecks as he falls down and powers off. “Pfft, neoliberal scum,” Bernie says. Bastard jumps down to check on Polfgecks. “Polfgecks, don’t die on me now!” Polfgecks barely looks up at him. “Master Bastard, please… let the flame of the productivity manifesto live on… And remember, never listen to the spawn of satan.” Polfgecks then droops down, as a female robot voice program then says “power off” as Polfgecks’ screen turns off. Bastard sobs for a second. “No!!!!! YOU!” he then yells at Bernie. “WHAT WAS THAT FOR!”
“It was for being a filthy neoliberal! Not like you’re any better, Bastard,” Bernie scolds him. “Neoconservative scum!” “Hey, you say that like it’s a bad thing! You’re gonna pay for killing my scrunkly robot!” Bastard then pushes a button, which fires one of the snipers aiming at Bernie. He jumps out of the way with ease. Bastard then pushes it again as it doesn’t fire. “Crap, I forgot I only had enough bullets to put one in each…” he says, wiping his chin. “Listen, Bastard,” Bernie says, “you’re making a huge mistake. You’ve completely abandoned your morals in pursuit of a goal that’s not even attainable.” “Elaborate.” “You used to be a rebel to the system. Anytime there was an authority figure, you would challenge them. Mr. Kraps was that authority figure. You didn’t just want the weed patty recipe, you wanted to conquer your greater.” “Aha! See Bastard, I am your superior. TRUMP TRUMP TRU-” Kraps starts chanting as Scotty covers his mouth with his claw. “Then, the second when the figure shifted onto someone more powerful than Kraps - the US Air Force - you took the first opportunity you could get your hands on to suck their dicks. Then YOU became the authority figure. Or, at least you thought.”
Bastard shakes his head. “I call bullshit, I’ve always been the authority figure here. Name one person who ranks above me!” “Trump, Biden, every other living president, Brown, Goldfein, every US soldier, every US elected official, Shattered Penis before he died,” Bernie responds. “Can’t you see? You were never on top. You were just under the illusion you were on top. All this time, you’ve been serving the interests of the US. And I think you knew this, or else you wouldn’t have tried to pit Trump and Biden against each other. Admit it, Sheldon - you let your insecurities take you over.” Bastard’s expression drops as he starts scratching his head and his cheeks become red. “I… Bernie, but…” “It’s clear that you’ve never been in a position of power, so you let your jealousy get the best of you. You turned your back on the people who loved you to do it.” “Pfft, you think these goons ever loved me?” Bastard questions. “I did,” SpongeCock answers. “I never minded you,” Shitward also answers. “You’ve made the job at The Krusty Kock, well, tolerable.” “You’re alright, I guess,” Sully says. “Okay, but what about Kraps?” Bastard asks. “No shot he likes me.” “You know, Sheldon, I loved our rivalry. It was so silly that it was hard to be mad at you. I enjoyed it. Besides, I love enacting my 2nd amendment roleplays, so it just aroused me too,” Kraps confesses. Everyone in the room shoots him a dirty look. “Oh come on, y’all aren’t squeaky clean either!” 
Bastard looks around the room and lets out a sigh. “I guess you’re right, Bernie. No wonder ComputerBitch left me for these fools. And no wonder Trump and Biden were so eager to work with me. I feel like a, like a fuckin idiot,” he says. Bernie nods his head in satisfaction. Bastard jumps down from his platform and goes around the room setting everyone free from their traps. He also puts the snipers back in their cases on the ceiling. “Well guys, if it means anything, I’m sorry,” Bastard says. “I’d love to go back to our usual shenanigans. This war shit is getting old anyway.” Everyone nods their head in agreement as they close in on Bastard, all shaking his hands. Bernie is shown soaking in the moment, as he then gets a devious grin on his face. “3… 2… 1 EVERYONE IN POSITION!” He yells, as SpongeCock picks Bastard up and holds him in his arms, and the others go to hold Trump and Biden back, who are still sleeping. Both wake up. “Huh? Where are we?” Biden asks. “Urp, the liberal FBI is at it again,” Trump says. “What’s going on?!” Bastard yells. Bernie then points to the door, where several cops run into the base to detain the three of them. “I’ll tell you what’s going on,” a familiar voice says, as both Fatdick and Dan walk in. “This whole thing was a setup,” Fatdick says. “Yep. And Fatdick may or may not have castrated me!” Dan adds on.
“Dad!” Fatprick yells in excitement. “How- oops, just shat myself, but what are you doing here?” “The whole plan was simple. Bernie used his negotiation powers to stall Bastard. That gave us just enough time to get over here and detain him. As well as the two other war criminals.” “Oh, of course it was that radical (((communist))) Bernie,” Trump rolls his eyes. “Perp scarecrow got us again, huh?” Biden says. “Silence, oldfucks,” the cop says, smacking both of them. “Anyway, all of them are going to jail and will be tried for war crimes,” Fatdick clarifies. “Finally! The ICC gets to do its due diligence against these frauds,” SpongeCock says. “But, but, all of what you said about me,” Bastard asks, “you guys meant all of that, right?” “Not really, no,” Shitward confesses. “We just wanted to convince you not to kill us. We couldn’t care less about you.” “Fuck! Duped again,” Bastard says, as he sheds a tear. All of the cops escort the three detainees out of the base, driving off in their police jets. 
“Thank you so much, Fatdick,” SpongeCock thanks him. “Oh, it was nothing. Especially with the help of your very own creator,” Fatdick says, pointing at Dan. “Ough Narlene feet ooga booga cumfellow epic child porn dance!” Fatdick facepalms. “So you’re telling me that cutting your balls off didn’t actually do anything?” “Nah, the pain actually gave me a permanent boner,” Dan says, as the camera zooms out to show his tight crotch in his pants. “Welp, I think it’s time for everything to go back to normal. ComputerBitch, bring us back to SpongeCockia,” Fatdick orders. “Initiating return,” ComputerBitch says, as an outside shot shows the floating SpongeCockia to be shooting back down to the ocean floor. Everyone in the base starts pouring drinks, all in celebration of their victory. They then do cheers while “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled plays in the background. “Hey, where’s Mr. Kraps?” SpongeCock asks. “I haven’t seen him since we were freed.” They then all look over in complete shock, as Kraps is in the corner mounting Puss’ bloody corpse with guts spilling out. “OUGH… I FORGIVE YOU, PUSS MY SWEET PUSSY…” he moans, as he continues to thrust from the back. Everyone else gives a disgusted face. “Mr. Kraps, for the love of God, please stop fucking my dead mother,” Fricky asks in defeat. Scotty puts his arm around Fricky’s shoulder. “Dawg, that’s just what he does. Keep on going, Uncy Kraps!” Fricky then sighs and walks away.
We then cut to a flashing TV screen, showing the intro for the news. “Well, it’s glad to be back, folks,” Bubble Ass says. “Unfortunately, our beloved Ronnie Snickersnee was caught in the crossfire at the war, (whispers) *totally wasn’t setup by me or anything*, so I’ll take over as host of the Bikini Bottom News. Anyway, the war has concluded, as the SpongeCockians have defeated the fascist Bikini Bottom state and the US. Former dictator Sheldon D. Bastard has been arrested and will be tried for his crimes, and the SpongeCockian forces have agreed to merge back into Bikini Bottom. On the US side of things, after the impeachment and removal of President Joe Biden, as well as the somewhat contrived murders of everyone in the line of succession, Senator Bernie Sanders will be inaugurated as the 47th President of the United States tomorrow afternoon. I’ve been your host, Bubble Ass, bidding you good luck for the future. You’re gonna need it in case some bullshit like this happens again.” The cameraman in the background yells “CUT,” as Bubble Ass starts smiling. “Alright, now where is my Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy BDSM porn that I was promised?” 
The camera zooms out to show SpongeCock, Fricky, and Fatprick on the couch watching the end of the news. “Welp, glad that everything is back to normal,” he says. “Sure is!” Fatprick says, chowing down on an ice cream cake as his stomach is heard rumbling. “Oops. Time for a freedom-loving dump!” He says, running off the screen. Fricky sighs. “Well, maybe I was better off not knowing who my mom was,” he says. “I know it’s hard, Fricky, but at least you got to spend them close times with her. But I just want you to know that I’ll love you until the end of time,” SpongeCock tells him, hugging him. “Plus, you’ve got all of us here in your corner!” At that moment, X and Sully come down the stairs. “Yo Sponge, we were tryna test if Sully could jerk off 6 cocks at once, and uh, let’s just say that the wallpaper in your room isn’t red anymore,” X says. “Don’t worry, I can suck it up in my cups,” Sully shows SpongeCock, as they already have cum leaking out. SpongeCock has a deadpan expression. “Well… at least you have your dad,” SpongeCock tells Fricky. “Oh please. You ain’t that much better,” Fricky says, as everyone starts laughing and the episode ends. 
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