A Dog and Pony Show/Transcript

: Rarity: Perfect!
: [doorbell ringing]
: Rarity: Coming! Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique. [gasp] Sapphire Shores! The pony of pop!
: Sapphire Shores: Good afternoon, Miss Rarity!
: Rarity: You yah... y-y-you know my name?
: Sapphire Shores: Well, of course I do, darling. I make it a point to know all of the up-and-coming designers and Clothes Horse magazine simply raved about you.
: Rarity: Oh my stars. If I'm dreaming, do not wake me up. How may I help you, Miss Shores?
: Sapphire Shores: Oh please, call me Sapphire.
: Rarity: [giggle] How may I help you, Sapphire?
: Sapphire Shores: Well, as I'm sure you know, I'll be touring all of Equestria with my latest concert, Sapphire Shores' Ziegfilly Follies, so I need to look seeensational! Ow!
: Rarity: I have just what you need. Sapphire Shores, prepare yourself for the pièce de résistance de la haute couture. I used every last diamond I found on this one garment.
: Sapphire Shores: [gasp] And it is spectacular! I'll take it.
: Rarity: Really?
: Sapphire Shores: Oh yes, and five more, each done up in a different jewel.
: Rarity: Beg pardon?
: Sapphire Shores: Costume changes.
: Rarity: [faints]
: Sapphire Shores: [chuckle] Yes, I do have that effect on ponies.
: [theme song]
: Spike: Oh my gosh! Sapphire Shores! The pony of pop! She is awesome! I mean, she's gorgeous and talented and — heh... and not even half the pony you are. I mean, you're ten times more gorgeous and talented and—
: Rarity: Spike, a lady is never jealous.
: Spike: Eh, of course not. But were you totally flipping out or what?!
: Rarity: Ladies do not "flip out", Spike. However, I was quite in awe. Oh, I need to find more jewels than ever before to decorate her costumes. Oh, aha!
: Spike: Did you find some?
: Rarity: Yes, Spike! Right there!
: Spike: Ooooo! You look so delicious...
: Rarity: Spike! I promised I'd give you gems to snack on, but we need to collect more first or I'll never be able to make these outfits for Sapphire.
: Spike: Hm... I will miss you, my sweets.
: Rarity: Come along, Spike. We have many jewels to find.
: Spike: At your service, milady.
: Rarity: Spike!
: [jackhammer sounds]
: Spike: [licks lips]
: Rarity: You've been very patient today, Spike, and for that you get the finest reward. This is from me to you. Is something wrong, Spike?
: Spike: No. It's perfect.
: Rarity: Ooo, bring the cart, Spike. There are more over here.
: Spike: For me. From Rarity.
: Rover: Yesss, gemsss. Gemsss!
: Fido: Where?
: Rover: Preciousss gemsss! He is the gem hunter. With him we can have all those gems... and more! Let's get the dragon.
: Rarity: Spike! Where are you?
: Rover: Wait! Who is that?
: Rarity: You know, it's terrible to keep a lady waiting.
: Spike: Coming!
: Rarity: I think we're really going to strike gold this time. So to speak. [laugh]
: Spike: Jackpot!
: Rover: Oh, it's not the dragon we want. It's the pony!
: Diamond Dogs: The pony...
: Rarity: Well, Spike, I think that's all we can do for today. And these will certainly get me well on my way with Sapphire's outfits. Why don't we start headi... oh! What's this? Another jewel. Oh... oh, strange. It's in the trees. Oooo— eww! Uh... uh... good day, gentle... uh, fellow. Uh, I am Rarity and this is my friend Spike.
: Spike: Ehe...
: Rarity: And you are...
: Rover: A Diamond Dog.
: Rarity: Oh really? Oh well, that explains your fine taste in jewelry. I mean I-I-I know that diamonds are a girl's best friend and now I know that they're a dog's best friend too, ha ha ha. So, um, [cough] you're out hunting for gems as well?
: Rover: Yes. We hunt.
: Rarity: Uh... we?
: Rover: We hunt for gems. But you are a better hunter. So now we hunt... for you!
: Rarity: [screams]
: Spike: [jackhammers] [babbles]
: Spot: Yaaaaah!
: Fido: [growls]
: Spike: [grunt] Run, Rarity! Run! Aaaah! Uh!
: Fido: Ooooooh!
: Spot: Yaaaaah!
: Rarity: Spike! Come on! Hurry!
: Rover: Gotcha!
: Rarity: Waah! Spike!
: Spike: Got him, Rarity! I got him!
: Fido: Haha! Nope!
: Spot: Sorry, scaly one.
: Spike: Wait! Rarity?
: Rarity: Unhand me this instant, you ruffians. Stop! Put me down, you thugs! You brutes!
: Spike: [gasp] Rarity!
: Rarity: Spike! Ah, dirt! [shrieks] Spike!
: Spike: Which, what, where?
: Rarity: Save me...!
: Spike: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
: Twilight Sparkle: Spike, can you breathe now?
: Spike: Yes... [pant] I think so.
: Twilight Sparkle: Good. Now tell us what you know.
: Rainbow Dash: Yeah. 'Cause all you said earlier was...
: Spike: [pant] Aaaah! Rarity... woods... jewels... dogs... hole... taken... Save her!
: Applejack: Not a whole lot to go on there, sport.
: Spike: Sorry. Rarity and I were in the woods looking for jewels when these creepy guys showed up.
: Twilight Sparkle: Creepy guys?
: Spike: They called themselves the Diamond Dogs. They grabbed Rarity and disappeared down a hole in the ground.
: Applejack: Well, this sounds mighty easy. Just take us to that there hole and we'll save Rarity.
: Main cast sans Rarity: [gasp]
: Pinkie Pie: Holy moly, that's a lotta holeys.
: Twilight Sparkle: Come on, girls! Let's get started. Hello?
: Fido: [growl]
: Twilight Sparkle: [gasp] Puh!
: Rainbow Dash: Yuck! Ugh!
: Pinkie Pie: [squeal]
: Spike: Puh!
: Twilight Sparkle: Quick! We gotta get down one before they're all filled up.
: Fluttershy: Oh! Oh my. Oh, oh!
: Applejack: We can't muscle through it!
: Rainbow Dash: We'll see about that. [gasp]
: Applejack: Whew. Heavens to Betsy. Now I'm used to pickin' myself up and dustin' myself off, but Rarity won't even touch mud 'less it's imported.
: Twilight Sparkle: Oh, Rarity...
: Rarity: Oh, woe is me! Whatever shall I do? Ah! Dirt, dirt! Get away, dirt! Oh! Make it stop, make it stop! Ah! Filthy, disgusting dirt. It stings, it burns. Help! Oh, somepony save me, save me!
: Applejack: We gotta save her.
: Fluttershy: But they blocked up all the holes.
: Applejack: Don't mean we can't dig 'em out. Come on!
: Pinkie Pie: Ow!
: Fluttershy: Oof!
: Spike: [panting] Whoa! Oof!
: Rainbow Dash: Get 'em!
: Applejack: [grunting] [gasp]
: Pinkie Pie: Whoooaaa!
: Rainbow Dash: Come on!
: Main cast sans Rarity: [grunting and panting]
: Fluttershy: All those scary monsters popping up everywhere. Oh, poor Rarity must be terrified.
: Twilight Sparkle: [worryingly] Ooh.
: Spot: Give me the baubles!
: Rarity: Ah!
: Fido: Give me the beads!
: Rarity: Aah!
: Rover: Where are the trinkets?!
: Rarity: Aaaah!
: Diamond Dogs: Where is the treasure?!
: Rarity: [faints]
: Twilight Sparkle: Poor Rarity. What are we gonna do?
: Spike: I got it! I'll save you, my sweet.
: Main cast sans Rarity: Huh?
: Twilight Sparkle: Spike, it is very noble of you...
: Spike: Shhh!
: Twilight Sparkle: [quieter] ...to sacrifice the gem Rarity gave you.
: Spike: Oh, Lady Rarity. My damsel in distress.
: Sir Spike: I shall save you. Show yourselves, you dogs! You curs! Ah. There you are, you mangy mutts.
: Rover: Who are you calling mutts? Unleash the hounds! [blows dog whistle]
: Mook dogs: [barking] [yelping]
: Sir Spike: Now, where is Lady Rarity?
: Lady Rarity: [gasp] Spike! I knew you would save me!
: Sir Spike: Nothing could stop me, milady.
: Lady Rarity: Ohohohoh, Spike. You are my... hero. [smooch]
: Sir Spike: Mmmmmm...
: Applejack: Hoho there, lover boy.
: Spike: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoawhoawhoa... I got a bite! I got a bite!
: Applejack: Hold on there, little fella.
: Twilight Sparkle: Applejack!
: Rainbow Dash: Twilight!
: Fluttershy: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness...
: Pinkie Pie: Wait for me!
: Fluttershy: Oh!
: Pinkie Pie: Whee!
: Spike: [yelps]
: Main cast sans Rarity: [yelping]
: Spike: [yelps]
: Main cast sans Rarity: [yelping]
: Pinkie Pie: Whee! Ha, ha, ha!
: Spike: Oh, oh!
: [ponies grunting]
: Spike: Ha ha, it worked! We're in! Now we can finally save Rarity!
: Twilight Sparkle: Um... which way do we go?
: Spike: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
: Twilight Sparkle: All these tunnels... how are we ever gonna find Rarity?
: Applejack: Guess we're just gonna have to start going down them one by one.
: Rainbow Dash: That could take forever! There's gotta be way to narrow it down.
: Spike: I know! I bet they've taken Rarity down the tunnel with the most gems.
: Twilight Sparkle: But Spike, Rarity is the only one who knows how to find gems.
: Spike: No, Twilight. You can! You can copy Rarity's gem-finding spell.
: Twilight Sparkle: Oh my gosh! You're right! Rarity showed me how she did it a while back. If I can just remember...
: Spike: That's it. You did it, Twilight! Come on! We're coming, Rarity. We'll save you. Just hold on.
: Rarity: Oh please, Diamond Dogs. Please let me go.
: Spot: No!
: Fido: You're our precious little pony.
: Rover: Forever! Muhahahaha!
: Rarity: But whatever do you want from me?
: Rover: Gemsss!
: Spot: Yes! The gems. The jewels.
: Fido: Find them! Find them all!
: Rarity: Oh! Is that all? There. A lovely pocket of jewels are right there. Now, if you'd be so kind as to show me the exit?
: Rover: Good! [laugh] Now, dig them up, pony.
: Rarity: What? But you said you wanted me to find the gems.
: Spot: Yes! Find and then dig.
: Rarity: Dig?
: Fido: Yes. Dig.
: Rarity: Ohh... [grunting]
: Fido: What are you doing? We said dig!
: Rarity: Forgive me, but prior to you so rudely dragging me into your dirt pit, I had a pony-pedi and I am not about to chip a hoof because you dislike my style of digging. [grunting]
: Rover: Oh, for goodness— Fine! Just stop. Stop! Dig, dogs! Dig! And fast.
: Mook dogs: [barking]
: Fido: She won't dig, she pulls.
: Rarity: I beg your pardon, but what, pray tell, are you doing?
: Fido: Others will dig. You will haul the wagon.
: Spot: Prrrecious pony-pedi will be preserved.
: Rarity: Well, somebody certainly needs proper nail care. When was the last time you two had a manicure? You're scratching up my coat with those jagged things!
: Rover: Please be quiet!
: Rarity: Good heavens, what is that smell?
: Rover: Smeeeeeell?
: Rarity: Ah, mystery solved. It's your breath.
: Rover: Enough! Search, pony!
: Rarity: Well, since you insist... but I must say the working conditions in here are simply dreadful. Musty and damp, it's going to wreak havoc on my mane. And this air is stifling, suffocating. And when I try to take a deep breath, the stench of all you dogs makes me nauseated.
: [crash]
: Rarity: You look and smell like you haven't bathed in weeks. Have you never heard of soap? You could all do with a good round of soap and water. Oh water, oh water, I'm terribly thirsty. Could I please have some water?
: Spot: Good gracious, I can't take this anymore. Be quiet, pony!
: Rarity: And that's another thing. I would appreciate if you stopped calling me "pony". I am a lady and I wish to be addressed as such. So you may call me "Miss" or "Rarity" or "Miss Rarity".
: Rover: Enough! Your whining! It-it-it hurts!
: Rarity: Whining? I am not whining. I am complaining. Do you want to hear whining? Thiiis iiis whiiining! Oooh, this harness is too tiiight! It's going to chafe. Can't you loosen it? Oooh, it hurts and it's sooo ruuusty! Why didn't you clean it first? It's gonna leave a staaain! And the wagon's getting heeeavy, why do I have to pull it?!
: Spot: Aaah! Make it stop!
: Rover: Stop whining!
: Rarity: But I thought you wanted whiiining!
: Rover: Geh! We'll do anything, pony! Oh, uh, uh, we'll do anything, "Miss Rarity". [nervous laughter]
: Rarity: [dreamily] Anything?
: Rarity: [sigh] This water is hardly sparkling. But I suppose it will have to do.
: Rover: [panting] Wait! Why are we doing this?
: Spot: To stop the awful noises from the pony's mouth, remember? [whines]
: Rover: Yes, yes, I know. This is ridiculous! Letting a pony order us around. What are we? Mice or dogs?
: Fido and Spot: Mi... dogs?
: Rover: Dogs do not pull. Ponies pull. Let her make the awful noises.
: Rarity: What are you doing? Hey, you spilled my drink. Oh! [whining] Not sooo tiiight!
: Rover: Ha! Make the noises all you want. But move while you make them. Hyah, mule!
: Rarity: Did you just call me a... mule?
: Rover: Ehh...
: Rarity: Mules are ugly. Are you saying that I too am ugly? [cries]
: Spot: What are these noises?
: Rarity: He called me ugly!
: Rover: No! Mule! I said mule!
: Rarity: An old ugly mule! And it's true! Just look at me. I used to be beautiful, but, but nooow...
: Fido: No, no! You're still beautiful, po... uh, Miss Rarity.
: Rarity: You're just saying that!
: Spot: No, you're still pretty and... and...
: Rover: Oh, uh, uh, nice. Yeah.
: Rarity: I don't believe you! You never liked me! [sobs]
: Rover: Oh, I've had just about enough of this!
: Twilight Sparkle: We're getting close. I can feel it.
: Rarity: [muffled crying]
: Spike: It's coming from down here. Come on!
: Rarity: [muffled sobbing]
: Rainbow Dash: She must be in there. Let's go!
: Mook dog: More workhorses.
: Applejack: Hoh, doggies. If you can take this bull by the horns, you better be ready for a ride. Come on, ponies! Kick 'em up, kick 'em out. Buck 'em up, buck 'em down.
: Mook dogs: [yowling]
: Applejack: Yeehaw! Get along, little doggies!
: [crashing and clattering]
: Spike: I'm coming for you, milady. Hi-ho, Twilight! Away!
: Twilight Sparkle: And just what do you think you're doing?
: Spike: Please, Twilight. Just give me this.
: Twilight Sparkle: Eh... fine. [neighs]
: [crash]
: Spike: Lady Rarity, I'm here to save you!
: Diamond Dogs: [Save us! Please, save us! Make it stop! Please!]
: Twilight Sparkle: Excuse me?
: Spot: So picky.
: Fido: And critical.
: Spot: She won't stop talking.
: Fido: And crying.
: Rover: We, uh, give her back. Yes.
: Spike: Rarity! You're safe!
: Rarity: Why, yes. Hello, girls. You arrived just in time to assist me.
: Applejack: Assist you with what?
: Rarity: With those.
: Spike: You're letting her leave with all these... jewels?
: Rover: Yes. Take them. And her with them.
: Spot: Please!
: Pinkie Pie: I can't believe you found all these gems!
: Rainbow Dash: Heh. I can't believe you tricked all those dogs.
: Rarity: Just because I'm a lady doesn't mean I cannot handle myself in a sticky situation. I had them wrapped around my hoof the entire time.
: Twilight Sparkle: I can't wait to write to Princess Celestia to tell her what you taught me today.
: Rarity: Me? What did I teach you?
: Twilight Sparkle: Just because somepony is ladylike doesn't make her weak. In fact, by using her wits, a seemingly defenseless pony can be the one who outsmarts and outshines them all.
: Spike: Hm... "outshines" is right. Now you have enough gems to cover Sapphire Shores' costumes.
: Rarity: Not if you eat them all, Spike.
: [laughter]
: [music]
: [credits]