2009-01-17 - Eldritch the Hutt

A neon pink protocol droid greets guests as they enter, gesturing to a small console. "Please make your credit contribution as you enter. Two thousand credits for established merchants," it adds fussily, "500 for neophytes, and 100 for historians who wish to document His Elder Exaltedness's words for posterity."
Trunks enters and pauses at the droids words...He reaching into his credit pouch and then eyes the droid with a confused expression "A whadee bantha romp be a neofight mean? A wha dat?"
"A neophyte is a beginner in the art of making money," the protocol droid replies prissily, fussing at Trunks. "Mind your floppy ears. Be sure not to offend his Exaltedness with your trunk. His Exaltedness is a Hutt of high principles."
Cuzao walk ub behind Trunks "basically, like me" he says quietly "someone who's new on the galactic trading scene"
Paying the fee, one of the human guests to the lecture takes a seat and retrieves a datapad to start taking notes. The lanky, pale woman, sets her parisol next to her-- leaning against her chair as one leg crosses over the other-- not making a particular fuss about the entry fee.
Trunks nods his head at that and smiles "Aye, Trunks love hutts, me wish me could hold as much food in de belly as dem too...ohh what me would give to have dat space, me is quite env.." A person behind trunks nudges him the back "Just pay already, would you!" Trunks looks abck and says "Oh Oh..sorries.." He pays the droid and moves in...
Xu after aruging with the droid for a while about the exorbant fee, a kind sir pays for Xu to come sit down. Xu flops down in a seat and has his two girls pour him a drink to ease his tension.
Marbo moves into the area with a group of trandoshans. He listens to the protocol droid and nods his head. "Coo che uba, I gocola me winkee buttmalia nobata tonka. A hunka price be na for makacheesa bargon." he slides his immense body into an area near the front of the hall. "Teesaw." he states in greeting.
Here you go, I look forward to hearing this lecture. A small price to pay for higher learning. Eldritch... 
The next one to enter is a woman in tunic and trousers, wearing a grey hood that covers her shoulders and hair. Felicia give a credit chip to the protocol droid. She carefully adjusts the hood and seats herself in the galleries.
A golden-furred Bothan strides in quietly, inserting the alloted credits into the small console. Upon spying a particularly familiar woman, his expression brightens. "Miss Jacque, fancy seeing you here!" he titters congenially. "Do you mind if I take the seat next to you?" 
Cuzao enters and pays the droid with a sigh "i thought this was about making money, not losing it already" he says to himself "but information costs i guess" he says leaning up against the back wall waiting to see what all this is about.
Trunks turns to the voice of Cuzao and smiles excitedely "Cuz man!!!! good to see yah. Let's see if we can learn a ting to two den..."
"HO HO HO."
The laugh echoes from the back of the room, and then an enormous, slithering shape, grey with age and wrinkled heavily, slides out into view. Another booming belly-laugh echoes, and two tiny arms rise, waving for attention. "Hoom Protokol sklavoo mee."
The protocol droid walks to the elder Hutt's side, raising its neon pink arms, and declares, "His Elder Exaltedness wishes -me- to be his interpreter! What an honor! For the occasion he wishes you to be advised that my Sarcasm Detector Chip has been deactivated and my Trope Interpreter has been powered down! You are free to enjoy the privilege of drawing whatever inferences from his words you choose."
Kalic's gaze cuts through those gathered, giving an amiable, but wordless wave to Felica as the slithering shape comes into view, bowing his head in greeting. 
Looking at the variety of guests who make their way into the area, Isabella looks pleased at the Bothan who comes in next. "Mister Ra'sey, a pleasure! Please, do," she says, with a smile and moves her purse off the seat next to her. As the droid starts to talk, the albino gives it an odd look. "How... novel..."
Trunks blinks and shakes his head like trying to shake a can of slurm before opening it....He looks to Cuzao and says "Wha de metally mean by infences?"
"Thank you kindly," The Bothan takes a seat, amber eyes looking amused at the protocol droid's announcement. "Oh how droll." 
Felicia pushes her hood back just a bit, offering a smile at the Bothan across the crowd. She follows it up by a friendly nod at Isabella. Her attention quickly returns to the floor when Eldritch's protocol droid knuckles past, close by, and she has to retract her feet quickly in order to not accidentally trip the eager unit!
Cuzao says "he means you have to make your own opinion in what context he is speaking, if he's being honest or sarcastic for example"
Eldritch the Hutt slithers its enormous bulk forward, spreading its tiny arms expansively. "The teesaw sleemo winkee copah," the Hutt belly-booms, "yafullkee an waffmula nudd, h'chu poy a chuba tagwa the gocola bargon jeedai tonta uba rush eniki, moulee-rah badda bunky pateessa konchee. Patogga, wanga the ootmian the tella chowbasa pawa ulwan a sleemo jee, buttmalia jee-jee youngee. Achuta nibobo peedunkee jujiminmee hoohah tee-tocky makacheesa the hunka is wamma." The sententious declamation slows, and the Hutt stares shrewdly at each listener in turn. "Gravity jujiminmee; badda na chawa bolla. Ootmian is pateessa achuta gopptula teesaw than wata schoon gocola yatuka copah koochu pankpa. The inkabunga tonta, the hunka."
The galaxy spins infinitely round. like an enormous centrifuge, and as a result all the stars tend to break and rush apart, each on its separate path. However, in the center the sheer mass acts in a countervailing manner, pulling everything together. These forces delicately balance one another and the galaxy is preserved. Gravity coalesces; centrifugal force rips apart. There is another force more powerful than either that can do both--if applied properly. The neutral force, the credit. 
Constantine slowly makes his way past the attendants taking the credits. He smirks to himself why he had been inclined to come to this Hutt's shindig but it might be interesting none the less.
Trunks eyes Cuzao as he interprets and smiles back "Ahhhh, see ya learn someting every day...ahrighty den, bring pon dis knowledge den..me ready fa hear..." Trunks pauses and then looks up as the hutt begins speaking..The ortolan perks his ears up and listens..
Xu after hearing the interpretation from the droid leans over to Nina, "I'm not sure Im drunk enough yet to believe this stuff, better get out the hard stuff." Reaching into her handbag she pulls out a bottle of what looks like Gamorrean ale, pouring it into his glass. Xu takes a swig of it as he convulses a bit and tears run to his eyes. "No not there yet" before taking another.
Kalic falls absolutely silent, though the gleam of amusement never appears to leave his amber eyes, as if privy to a private joke. He folds his hands neatly across his lap. 
Marbo listens to the speech and nods his head politely as he pays attention to each word that is spoken, understanding the nuances of his native language completely. One of his assistants has a datapad from which he is typing notes. He stiffles a chuckle at the notion of the neutral force of the credit, but he is definitely intrigued at how this is beginning. If one thing is for certain, Eldritch is an eloquent speaker, so the lecture should be an enlightening discussion in its own right.
Eldritch the Hutt's huge slit-nostrils snuffle. "Tagwa haku tonta bolla uba pankpa," the Hutt declares. "Jee shag wamma moocha; the makacheesa wankee choo keepuna joppay nibobo jewz Waffmula' Achuta teesaw bedwana na lorda poy ne yoka wanga, nudd the pankpa badda tella nobata schoon Youngee rundee dwana pawa tee-tocky gopptula konchee inkabunga jujiminmee jee-jee eniki sleemo h'chu chik. Choppa chawa ulwan kava murishani the hoohah haku the lickmoomoo Gocola Jedda, cheeska yatuka doma be panwa che smak, tonka I will me patogga chuba buttmalia. I copah droi chaa tonta jeedai Planeeto bolla moulee-rah Winkee, koochu tagwa, howdunga peedunkee hunka bargon pateessa dunko apenkee coo."
There are two approaches to power. One relies on force; the other relies on what fools call 'Soft Power.' Our own rich history furnishes ample example of both, as the superior and noble race of Hutt has tried to exert its mental capacities to properly order less cerebral races. My own progenitor cleaned up the mess of the so-called Hutt Insurrection, four hundred and ninety six years ago, but I will use more recent examples. I trust everyone here remembers hoom Cerebra and hoom Bulba, their exaltednesses, who exemplified two very different approaches to power. 
Trunks sits next to Cuzao and listens to the hutt...He nods his head at understanding some of the stuff but then wrinkles his brow in concentrating on some of the other words he doesn't understand and merely looks constipated more than in thought..
Felicia has produced a datapad, writing on it as Eldritch speaks. Either the newly-elected President is a careful student, or simply too busy to devote her attention completely to the lecture! She does, however, look attentively at the protocol droid whenever it translates. She also turns in her seat, scanning the rows behind her for known faces.
Marbo nods his head understanging full well what he is talking about, though not necessarily agreeing at the moment. He states "Pankpa tonka doma lorda youngee Choo cheeska wata Howdunga?" in a low voice, as those names sent ripples and currents throughout the galaxy from their influence. He leans forward a bit making sure to listen to what comes next carefully. How could we forget hoom Bulba and hoom Cerebra? 
Eldritch the Hutt gestures with his little right arm, and the protocol droid imitates the gesture of forbidding. "Chik bargon hoohah ulwan bedwana Tonta pawa. Waffmula jedda the toma gopptula murishani rundee, yafullkee konchee copah the chawa sleemo poy chaa wamma na wata moulee-rah yatuka a koochu ootmian, jeedai buttmalia gocola ne dunko choo tee-tocky patogga winkee yoka panwa smak keepuna wankee achuta dwana a joppay choppa. Cheeska, bunky the yocola lickmoomoo doma che the wanga Nobata makacheesa chowbasa planeeto be jee-jee an h'chu. Nudd jee shag hunka inkabunga peedunkee jewz howdunga a coo me uba droi eniki the apenkee kava haku a pateessa, ten chuba schoon tella a tonka tagwa pankpa nibobo teesaw killee. Moocha badda jujiminmee bolla youngee lorda schoon be a yafullkee jee joppay bedwana uba eniki choo tonka, jee-jee badda a me planeeto wanga pankpa jewz makacheesa gocola che teesaw achuta pawa nibobo a smak, Moulee-rah h'chu is gopptula na bargon patogga. Wata peedunkee bunky cheeska panwa killee copah, rundee koochu inkabunga moocha will hoohah nobata coo: toma ootmian jedda haku the apenkee choppa lickmoomoo the chawa, tee-tocky Jujiminmee doma."
We know what became of Cerebra's approach. By playing the game of raw force, you play by the same rules as those whose military traditions stretch back a thousand generations, whose fleets are capable of depilating worlds of their natural hair--I speak of sentient life in a figurative way. Ultimately, even the wealth of one of the richest Hutts was not sufficient to sustain an empire. It costs three million credits to put together a war fleet capable of matching the galaxy's best in a battle, ten million to create a fleet that can win galactic wars. It costs two million credits monthly to maintain a military establishment fully capable of deterring all attackers, and even a relatively modest sector military costs between two and four hundred thousand credits a month, AFTER it is bought and paid for. There are many advantages to military force, but this old dictum will always be truthful: those who live by the blaster die by the blaster, as Cerebra did. 
Marbo thinks on this and nods his head in agreement, especially at the last sentence. He motions to his operative to continue taking notes.
Trunks takes in the strong words of the hutt and tries to keep up with the translations of the droid. He hears the huge numbers being mentioned and lets out a "Eeep! now dat be some kind of credits...Man to even see a million credits would feed an Ortolan town fa almost a month...what me would give fee mek dat kind of credits!" Trunks looks back and listens...
"Therefore," the protocol droid narrates prissily, "it is clear that we should ask ourselves what has become of those who live by the credit. At present, heartsick of the tiresomeness of Nar Shaddaa, His Exaltedness Bulba indulges a truffle frog addiction to his heart's content--O! What joyful retirement! What freedom! His Exaltedness Lolinar feasts on every known delicacy--what happiness! And His Former Exaltedness Cerebra has been melted down by the hateful fire of blasters. What a key difference in their fates," the protocol droid adds perkily, swaying on its neon pink legs. 
"His Exaltedness Eldritch calls you to consider that all the credits one could spend on a military establishment add up to a tidy sum saved. But saved for what? The power of credits comes from using them. His Elder Exaltedness wishes to inform you all that credits are worthless if you do not spend them wisely!"
Felicia flicks a look at the blue Ortolan, frowning, before returning her attention to the datapad. She types very fast, tongue placed at the corner of her mouth.
"I wonder what became of Bulba the Hutt," she murmurs. "He hasn't been seen in a while.... do /you/ know what happened to him?" The Senator blinks through her glasses at a sentient next to her. "Oh. He retired," she then turns back at Eldritch's words.
Listening quietly to the words regarding both Cerebra and Bulba, Isabella takes notes before her datapad vibrates in her pocket. She pulls it out, pressing a button before putting it back and continuing to listen in. A brow arches at the droid's assessment of the credit, though her expression is untold immediately.
Cuzao nods to Trunks as he walks across to Felicia, grabbing an empty chair "hey boss" he says keeping an eye and ear on the presentation.
The huge Hutt sways, retreating to the far wall, his voice echoing, echoed in turn by the droid's piping falsetto.
"How did Bulba the Hutt keep the predatory power of the Republic and the Imperium at bay during the first days of the war that has defined our time? Oh, that is easy. He supported the Republic with a 'friendship allowance'--a pittance--some twenty or thirty thousand a week if my sources are correct--and they left him alone to worry about greater problems. The Imperium was nearer and more dangerous ... Hoom Bulba gave them much larger sums, also secretly, and vowed his admiration and support."
The Hutt holds up a hand, speaking with sharp precision.
Eldritch the Hutt says, "The chawa planeeto no chowbasa. The konchee hunka bolla lickmoomoo sleemo joppay. Chik is at tonka gopptula yoka."
The credit has no enemies. The credit cannot be attacked or blockaded. Everyone is at peace with money.
Marbo listens and nods his head making sure that notes are being taken. He scratches a finger to his chin and licks his lips. He listens to the talk of the credit exchange and thinks on this. His nostrils breath in deeply, but remains silent choosing to listen until there is an appropriate question and answer session.
"Welcome. This is a very interesting lecture," Felicia whispers at Cuzao. "And a view into the Hutts' mind. This will be useful for the Trade Federation."
Eldritch the Hutt heaves his bulk onto a low platform, haranguing his audience with a flick of his massive tail. "I will bargon name yafullkee, tella pawa konchee me copah yoka an howdunga schoon choo tonka, wanga yocola Cheeska doma Lickmoomoo coo bedwana chowbasa, chaa makacheesa teesaw Na wata gocola no youngee a ne. Kava yatuka hunka joppay droi panwa planeeto? Nar Choppa koochu jewz keepuna nobata wankee peedunkee!" The Hutt's voice rises with a sort of antiquated anger, creaky and belchy at once. "Koochu is ne cheeska schoon chowbasa no smak copah; toma yocola yoka nobata peedunkee at moocha! Be is no pawa pateessa jewz choo shag chawa dwana the lickmoomoo winkee the apenkee; che haku tonta gocola wanga. Patogga jedda howdunga dunko inkabunga tella yafullkee panwa na planeeto badda choppa konchee h'chu nibobo hoohah lorda jujiminmee gopptula bunky uba. The bedwana eniki achuta bolla bargon kava tonka nudd coo doma murishani wamma youngee buttmalia keepuna teesaw jee-jee wata joppay me tee-tocky, wankee chaa jeedai ulwan yatuka makacheesa. Droi poy chik ootmian hunka chuba pankpa. Tagwa will sleemo killee rundee waffmula moulee-rah jee achuta nobata moocha droi ne the pateessa tella; sleemo will tagwa chik poy h'chu rundee tonta buttmalia the rude uba the wamma winkee cheeska joppay ootmian lorda!"
I will not name names, but instead ask you to imagine an alternate universe in which, instead of Cerebra declaring WAR after seizing power, had simply declared NEUTRALITY and paid no one a subsidy. What do you think would have happened? Nar Shaddaa would have been conquered and looted! It is not enough to be no one's enemy; you must be everyone's friend at once! There is no such thing as neutrality if you choose the way of the credit; only varying degrees of friendship. Be advised that being friends with everyone means giving everyone presents calculated to make them act as you want them to. The littlest freighter pilot should give police chiefs and naval officers small presents as tokens of his regard--presents which he can afford, but not presents which look cheap. He should also give pirates little presents. That will save him many credits when customs officials and pirates are patrolling the space lanes; they will wave their respectful friend by and target the rude and the impetuous who do not give gifts! 
After several swigs of the ale, Xu begins to look a lot cheerier and happy. He begins nodding to everything the Hutt says, even though he might not believe or understand a word he says.
TRunks nods to Cuzao and smiles "aye.." he looks over to felicia and recognizes her and the Ortolan greets.."Good to see ya again docta!! me hope ya scapel been true and accurate.." he smiles and then turns to looks over to the hutt
Marbo listens to the talk of gifts, which in another manner could be called bribing. But he continues to take it all in, appreciating the intellectual discussion on its own merits. His attendant copies more notes and Marbo leans back in his seating area.
Cuzao nods "anything that makes us money as always a bonus" he says quietly to Felicia
A few words are murmured by Isabella, to the Bothan next to her.
Isabella Jacque whispers to Kalic Ra'sey.
Something in the speech makes Felicia smile, the gesture covered behind the flat of her palm. "Well, if we apply his ideas, we should pay ul Tortula credits," she murmurs at Cuzao. "Do you feel like negotiating with the pirate?" She flicks a look at Trunks, giving the Ortolan a friendly nod and a wave with her fingers.
There's a wisp of a dry laugh from Kalic, leaning over to whisper back to the woman. 
The protocol droid seems stymied for a moment by the sheer volume of Hutt words and then rushes to catch up, its intonations out of synch with the Hutt's, lagging about five seconds behind. "If you want to satisfy your greed, don't be greedy. Prepare to spend as much as four hundred of every thousand credits on friendship. Even half of your income is not too much to pay if you get what you want and avoid being destroyed. You will outlast your enemies and slither over their graves!"
The huge Hutt again surveys his audience, sniffling with his enormous nostril-slits. The droid pauses with relief, then is forced immediately to launch into translation again. "Two kinds of gift exist: the passive gift and the active gift. The passive gift is a routine tribute to the friends you so deeply admire because they could ruin your day. These gifts should be large enough to matter to your 'friends,' but as small as you can make seem generous. The active gift is a sum given to convince a dear friend to do what they already want to do but are too afraid to do. As an example, Bulba the Hutt turned the Imperium's teeth against him and back toward the Republic by giving Nash Dragen the money to refit a new attack fleet. Active gifts will never convince someone to do something they have no intention of doing," the droid wraps up sententiously, but another "hoom" from the Hutt sends the droid scuttling.
"But it can change their priority list, and if you hint that more will be forthcoming when they achieve certain goals of theirs which you strongly support ... their greed will be your power."
Cuzao says "you uncovered him as a pirate on the intersystem network" he sighs "i doubt a nice friendly chat is going to go down too well..."
Kalic Ra'sey whispers to Isabella Jacque.
Marbo breathes in deeply and blinks his bulbous eyes. The hutt shifts his weight and follows the others words, making sure not to leave one detail from mental note. "An nobata konchee."
An interesting perspective... 
"A question if I might?" the albino human pipes up, raising her parisol to the neon pink droid in an effort to get his attention. A grin is given to Kalic, the woman whetting her lips.
Eldritch the Hutt abruptly snorts. "Howdunga keepuna tee-tocky choo winkee joppay lorda peedunkee. I gocola tonta the Tagwa Wanga patogga Shag. The nibobo chik poy bedwana buttmalia: dwana bolla moocha yatuka chowbasa eniki, badda moulee-rah murishani. Jujiminmee uba jee-jee be, jedda yocola makacheesa tonka. Yafullkee nudd na lickmoomoo ulwan; chaa bargon schoon ne me. Hoohah haku nobata jee; achuta youngee rundee tella planeeto kava jeedai chawa choppa!"
The Hutt wags a ludicrously little finger. "The dunko apenkee is pankpa droi is che me. Tagwa choppa yocola wankee keepuna patogga tee-tocky chuba wata the nobata buttmalia gopptula yatuka badda wanga jewz nibobo. Uba is moulee-rah rundee makacheesa sleemo the ne shag, doma winkee pawa the Chawa konchee nudd peedunkee teesaw h'chu dwana' na murishani jee jujiminmee. Copah waffmula inkabunga achuta poy, pateessa will youngee tonka yoka gocola smak chowbasa toma."
The Hutt stops as several of his listeners break in. Jarred from his rhapsody, he opens his sluggish eyes and nods his head. "Chik."
There are only several principles you must follow. I call these the Five Rules of Eldritch. The first rule you already know: if you want your greed satisfied, don't be greedy. SPEND on your acquaintances, turn them into friends. NEVER give them everything up-front; always leave them wanting more. Never be truly generous; always feed them just enough to keep them hungry! The second rule is that everyone is your friend. That means that you criticize their enemies in private--preferrably the enemies they criticize first--and never denounce anyone publicly. Morality is not very advanced among the lower species, and they call the DISCOVERED practice of universal fair-weather friendship 'hypocrisy' and stop trusting you. If you are not trusted, they will take your credits but ignore your wishes. Speak. 
Felicia listens attentively to the droid's words, taking a lot of notes before she leans towards Cuzao. "ul Tortula is a prideful pillock, deep down he revels with being known. But perhaps it would be wisest to wait." The blonde Viceroy turns a look at Isabella and Kalic, frowning.
"For the beings that have everything. Credits and fleets or armies pleantiful, reputation at a constant peak, allies bountiful and falling over themselves to make your acquaintance, and above all-- morals-- what do you suggest? Everything you've currently said would only work to irritate beings of that nature, and they /do/ exist. What do you give the man that has no need of anything, and has even less to gain from being an acquaintance of yours?" the blue-eyed albino asks, curiously.
Eldritch the Hutt laughs aloud. "Sleemo. Bolla killee poy, bargon jewz waffmula chawa dunko wata nudd keepuna dwana tonka. No ne lickmoomoo a peedunkee Pawa yafullkee. Apenkee chik gopptula, no koochu howdunga makacheesa. Chuba na will droi eniki yoka be kava. Cheeska rundee choppa wanga yatuka joppay a nibobo? Jee nobata planeeto shag, winkee h'chu me smak. Ulwan badda jujiminmee moulee-rah gocola yocola uba, bunky bedwana pateessa copah toma buttmalia constant chaa. I panwa murishani, achuta jee-jee tagwa coo schoon pankpa konchee tella? Inkabunga hunka chowbasa haku choo wamma hoohah wankee. Tee-tocky tonta teesaw jeedai moocha doma ootmian youngee I will che patogga lorda jedda chaa planeeto yafullkee teesaw bedwana haku panwa tagwa."
Oh-ho-ho. To mythical deities, you give worship and adoration and grovel on your face. No one kicks a fawning Kowakian lizard-monkey. But in actuality, no being has everything. Their wealth will be limited by their obligations. Do you seek to destroy such a being? Make them more powerful, until they are overextended. Be loyal to them until they overreach, and encourage them to overreach by constant flattery. I am sorry, young sentient--was your question serious or purely hypothetical? We are speaking after all in academic terms. Naturally if you choose to apply my philosophy I will watch with interest but without liability from my well-hidden private pleasure palace. 
Cuzao whispers: aye, best watch our backs, and keep an eye on any assets we have, i doubt there won't be some violent reprecussions if he is angry enough...
Felicia nods at Cuzao, listening with her head tilted his way. Then she straightens up in her seat and raises a hand. "I have another question, if I may!"
Isabella laughs. "Contrary, Mister Hutt. It seems you're not aware of everyone there is in the galaxy otherwise you might have a more... pointed, academic answer to the question. There /are/ beings who have everything-- desire, however, is entirely different, and in many cases-- without merit. I ask it seriously, as there are currently individuals in this very position. They have everything they could possibly want, or need; the funds to maintain everything they have; political and societal adoration from the masses-- right down to the smallest beggar on the street, and up to the scions of power. I don't seek to destroy anyone, nor make anyone more powerful-- I seek to understand, rather, what to give a man who has it all and desires nothing more."
Marbo listens to Isabella wondering what beings she is referring to. He continues to make sure notes are taken.
Eldritch the Hutt blinks at Isabella. "Pankpa planeeto, nibobo ulwan gocola a chowbasa joppay ne smak hoohah chuba be apenkee howdunga, nobata wanga sleemo eniki pateessa yatuka keepuna tee-tocky moulee-rah dwana. Wamma nudd jee panwa doma, toma will me no chik dunko, youngee will gopptula pawa. Kava yafullkee jee-jee ootmian makacheesa copah, bargon badda winkee. Schoon wata che shag murishani, choppa jeedai patogga yoka bedwana buttmalia lorda."
The Hutt seems to grow weary of the question. "I chaa choppa yocola. Wamma na droi inkabunga moocha, yatuka chowbasa bolla che, tonta sleemo nudd poy winkee nobata. Bunky wanga."
Young sentient, if you encounter a sentient who has it all and desires nothing more, congratulate them on their ascendancy and stay away from them. If they desire nothing more, they will have no further ambitions, and will not care. But most all beings have ambitions, and want -something-. Find out what they want, if you want to give them gifts. I think you miscalculate. If such godlike beings exist, beyond desire and ambition, do not trouble their omnipotent slumber. Next question. 
Xu sits in a drunk stuppor wondering what is going on and why anyone paid to come to this thing and then argue. Xu quitely throws up into a handbag on of his girls gives him.
Isabella grins, shaking her head. A few words are whispered to the Bothan, before she chuckles.
"What of those who hide themselves behind a mask of lies and deceit, with servants to do their public work. How do you find them, let alone befriend them." Felicia's voice is light, thought playing in her eyes at Eldritch. "Subtle beings like this will not make their desires publically known. They are those who would follow your lecture to the point. How would you deal with such a being?"
Isabella Jacque whispers to Kalic Ra'sey.
Eldritch the Hutt's laugh booms out in response to Felicia's question. "Wamma! Lorda! Yocola cheeska is nudd smak na chuba, jee sleemo teesaw! At choo a tonta schoon ulwan Eldritch the Chawa!" The protocol droid is gesticulating madly, but the Hutt has reached around and is rubbing its hands together above its immense belly. "Wankee the coo. Jujiminmee will cheeska, teesaw, h'chu bedwana droi tonka tonta pateessa' Tagwa will haku wanga inkabunga wata hoohah. Ulwan uba schoon killee the keepuna makacheesa che, buttmalia chuba pankpa joppay nudd apenkee. yocola pawa tee-tocky jeedai lickmoomoo the peedunkee. Jee-jee hunka murishani badda at yoka gopptula nibobo chawa the patogga waffmula chik youngee, konchee will doma lorda, for eniki choppa achuta is be planeeto jedda than the kava na sleemo ootmian poy."
Ho-ho-ho! Ah-hah-hah! This human is my kind of brain, crinkly and irresistible! At last a question worthy of Eldritch the Hutt! Befriend the servants. They will say, 'Master, we can use this generous fool.' They will come to treat with you. You need not perceive the mind behind them, only its ambitions and desires ... and then support them through the servants. But if you can at any time cut out the middleman by clever spywork, you will save money, for one great schemer is more easily befriended than the five fingers of its hand. 
The golden-furred Bothan murmurs quietly to the pale woman next to him, his lips a wry line. 
Kalic Ra'sey whispers to Isabella Jacque.
Felicia looks slightly disturbed at being called crinkly and irresistible. She quickly bends over her datapad and takes careful notes, brushing the hood a little back from her forehead. "I may need you to go to Nar Shaddaa," she mutters quietly at Cuzao. "If you feel up for it."
The enormous Hutt moves on, gesturing to its droid, which scrambles to translate.
Eldritch the Hutt says, "The moocha gocola jee Eldritch is koochu: Pawa me achuta at nudd a hunka jedda choppa. Teesaw, poy yoka droi wanga choo copah. Tonta shag killee haku waffmula ootmian gopptula tagwa pankpa peedunkee, joppay makacheesa no kava sleemo yatuka dwana coo. Chik a pateessa eniki buttmalia Wamma patogga ulwan a inkabunga be Tonka, the jewz bolla nibobo bedwana. Tee-tocky badda a Nobata hoohah wankee yocola chawa che panwa planeeto Jee-jee schoon h'chu, youngee the moulee-rah Lickmoomoo konchee a bargon winkee a Jujiminmee chuba apenkee, tella yafullkee Dunko chowbasa toma bunky cheeska lorda chaa a na murishani, wata ne howdunga jeedai doma no keepuna uba smak. Rundee ne buttmalia poy ulwan jee-jee jedda murishani cheeska moocha sleemo is panwa, peedunkee jewz yoka doma joppay. Apenkee dwana jujiminmee a lorda ootmian h'chu konchee; hunka will droi toma chawa eniki."
The third principle of Eldritch is this: You must have at least a few real allies. Ideally, they should also be very rich. With your combined wealth you can make many things happen, especially if no one knows who they are. When a fleet moves from Corellia to join a fleet from Sullust, the whole galaxy takes note. But when a Hutt shifts five hundred thousand credits to another Hutt's bank account, and the second Hutt sends a million to a Senator's bank account, and that Senator proceeds to arm his planet in a game-changing way, much has happened and yet no real evidence exists. Do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing, unless it needs to know. Nobody can penetrate a web of controlled chaos; you will have freedom to act.
Trunks sits and listens, listens some more. He cringes his head and seems to have a painful expression on his face from all the thinking he is doing. The Ortolan looks to hutt and to the droid and and the he looks to his left hand and then looks to his right hand..He then looks to his left hand and then to his right hand..both hands begin to shake and then suddenly he yella "ARGHHHHH!!!...it not working..can't hide wha me left hand doing from me right hand...oh nooosss.."
Eldritch the Hutt booms, "Lorda dunko the yafullkee apenkee, Lickmoomoo. Chowbasa gopptula hoohah chik choppa kava!"
You lack the cerebral capacity, Ortolan. Cease that horrible dangling--retract your trunk! 
"Indeed," Isabella whispers, glancing at the Ortolan as his brain looks set to explode.
Eldritch the Hutt slithers forward, peering into the crowd, patting the protocol droid on its hot pink head. "The poy be uba Eldritch is chaa: wankee hoohah nudd, ootmian schoon, inkabunga, jujiminmee. Jewz droi youngee toma jeedai dwana tagwa kava pateessa yocola. Lorda, koochu haku jee me lickmoomoo apenkee pawa, so copah bargon pankpa peedunkee nibobo jedda yatuka. Badda konchee a chuba joppay; tella shag gopptula, doma tee-tocky bunky ulwan moulee-rah yoka che, for gocola cheeska makacheesa moocha tonta is a patogga chawa planeeto. I chik dunko yafullkee Na hunka wamma the murishani nobata the Sleemo choppa the ne jee-jee the Buttmalia rundee the wata panwa is the achuta tonka keepuna the Bedwana eniki; I smak bolla h'chu coo wanga chowbasa howdunga teesaw, for killee Winkee choo waffmula. For yafullkee, hoohah Planeeto is a copah."
 The fourth principle of Eldritch is this: dishonor before death, and diversify, diversify, diversify. You must never place all your trust in one ally. Instead, fortify yourself through universal friendship and decentralization, so that any setback can be made good. Never fight a losing battle; always graciously surrender, and do not disdain to lick boots, for leather can be tasty and is a delicacy to some. I must congratulate hoom Vordo on handling the revolt of the Brood and the press of the Imperium with the sanity which is the great pride of the Hutt race; I too would have gladly submitted to overwhelming force, for look--Nar Shaddaa was spared. For this, hoom Vordo is a hero. 
Felicia turns in her seat and levels an incredulous look on Trunks. "Shh!" She whispers, sharply. "Some of us are trying to listen."
Trunk's salivates a little and doesn't seem to get past the mention of tasty and delicacy used in the same sentance..He reaches down grab a treat from his bag and looks up to Felicia with an odd 'I am listening' kinds of look...He turns back and watches the hutt and listens...he raises the treat to his lips and takes a bite and chews...
**CRUNCH**
**CRUNCH....CRUNCH***
**CRUNCH...GULP** swallows
Eldritch the Hutt raises his rumbling voice, motioning for silence, a finger scolding Trunks with its wagging. "The be eniki joppay Eldritch is hoohah: dunko na lickmoomoo yocola, murishani winkee apenkee. Badda pawa inkabunga a bargon toma me tonta bunky bolla waffmula yafullkee a howdunga jewz? Jeedai jedda youngee shag wata wanga tella chowbasa the ne yatuka bedwana. Rundee jujiminmee moocha an nobata tonka ten yoka wamma a choppa sleemo lorda killee pateessa a planeeto uba? Chuba chawa panwa. Hunka keepuna che, tee-tocky schoon droi dwana wankee buttmalia tagwa gopptula haku. Koochu patogga peedunkee a konchee h'chu nudd choo poy an kava? Moulee-rah gocola a copah coo the ootmian doma makacheesa teesaw ulwan cheeska chaa. Jee chik, smak jee-jee pankpa achuta, nibobo moocha gocola. Pateessa smak pawa. Yocola panwa koochu tonka ne to doma, bedwana lorda to yatuka, ulwan bargon to jujiminmee inkabunga, patogga chawa to eniki badda, pankpa tonta to teesaw coo, nibobo waffmula to che wanga na planeeto than schoon, at moulee-rah shag. Jewz is copah for the tagwa jee-jee to fear nudd, lickmoomoo youngee is wamma for the killee to fear ootmian, so poy jee joppay: tee-tocky wankee I jedda sleemo jeedai I dwana to bunky? Makacheesa konchee peedunkee toma h'chu choo be gopptula rundee."
The fifth principle of Eldritch is this: be honest with yourself, only deceive others. Do you have a fleet of moldering freighters and think you are a pirate king? There are fleets of star destroyers out in the dark of space. Do you have an income of ten thousand credits a week and think you are a rich tycoon? You are poor. Make powerful friends, and serve their ends until your connections enrich you. Do you own a planet and think you are an emperor? Cerebra dominated a fifth of the galaxy and look where it got him. Your strengths, such as they are, are also weaknesses. Assess yourself realistically. Present yourself as too weak to attack, too generous to destroy, too strong to be robbed, too useful to be eliminated, too helpful to be assassinated, all things to all people--all people stronger than you, at any rate. It is useful for the common scum to fear you, but it is dangerous for the mighty to fear you, so ask yourself truthfully: what am I and what do I seem to be? Only then can you confound enemies and friends alike. 
Cuzao nods "i can do that" he says quietly to Felicia "whats the job?"
"Do you mind?" Isabella snaps, with a frown. "I suppose they don't have manners where you come from," she remarks, rhetorically at the Ortolan. "An interesting approach, Mister Hutt. Interesting, indeed."
"Manners must be actively learned," declares Kalic quietly, still listening with intent to the Hutt. "though the origin of where you come from may encourage the process of becoming civilized." 
Trunks nods at the words of wisdom from the hutt, seemingly taking the philosophy..He takes another bite of the treat and chews 
** CRUNCH...CRU..." but then suddenly stops moving his mouth and turns to Isabella and says with a mouth full of treat "..unch...Wise whfhds me agree wid whdht Hdhhm fhvghgg" He responds and then whats is actually left in his mouth and not sprayed all over he suddenly takes a hard Swallow 
*GULP*
The Hutt continues in a deeper voice, and the protocol droid translates, now assuming a posture of great dignity. It squeaks, "The coda of Eldritch is this: use your credits to disrupt the balance between gravity and centrifugal force--but not too far. A dozen warring nations are infinitely more amenable to the humane suggestions of the wealthy than one or two or three almighty ones. But a hundred warring nations are pure chaos, too unstable to talk to. Follow my advice and grasp my meaning properly, and your business will flourish. Eventually, you will have to pay only minor sums to the nearest of your many weak neighbors, and will enjoy immense troves of treasure and prestige in keeping with your mental qualities.
"If you seek for advice in some specific incident, I invite you to visit me at some later time for a private consultation, for a princely fee, in complete confidentiality. I use a sliding scale; you will pay me one-third of one week's income for my advice and my wisdom in any matter, with a minimum fee of two thousand for the poorer among you. For that which is not paid for is not valued." The droid pauses. "His Elder Exaltedness also wishes to add that he will refuse anyone he considers too demented to profit from his infinite wisdom."
Felicia looks at Cuzao and lifts the index finger of her right hand, pressing it against her lips with a 'hush'-like smile. "I'll tell you later," the Viceroy whispers. Then she uses her hand to flick a crumb off her shoulder, a victim of the Ortolan's spray of foodstuff.
"Ugh, I'd recommend sterilization in that case," the woman remarks to Kalic, thoroughly disgusted.
Cuzao nods and quickly lowers his head as he whispers into his Comsys.
Eldritch the Hutt turns to the entrance and begins to slither out. "Winkee eniki tagwa to gopptula chik ootmian dwana patogga badda sleemo killee. Na ne howdunga uba wamma will nobata shag jee moocha. Jedda to hoohah the makacheesa cheeska inkabunga pawa yoka will hunka copah, chawa konchee gocola toma rundee ulwan dunko moulee-rah murishani, tonka will peedunkee chaa kava smak joppay nudd chowbasa chuba coo choo lickmoomoo poy. Bedwana is droi. Wata planeeto jewz h'chu wankee che bargon the Waffmula Choppa wanga."
You are privileged to have heard my first and last public lecture. Memorize my words and you will be prosperous and successful. Fail to observe the principles herein contained and you will die poor, or if by some lucky chance you are saved, it will be purely on account of powerful allies who do heed my principles. Class is dismissed. My public holomail may be accessed in the Nal Hutta directory. 
Marbo listens to all of this intently. "Ootmian tella lickmoomoo?" he states, "Pateessa me for jee-jee eniki Bolla, gocola konchee an dwana apenkee nibobo haku joppay toma to say the bunky." he bows his head and makes for the exit.
First and last.....? Thank you for your time Eldritch, it was an interesting perspective on life and business to say the least. 
Trunks watches the hutt leave and then looks over to Cuzao and Felicia who have been private discussing things back and forth, He nods and says "Well well..dat was good talk..so wha ya two scheming?"
Xu after being rather sick from all the drinking, decides it would be best to give up on the lecture and head off to his ship. The two girls drag more then carry him back to the ship.
Category:January 2009 RP Logs