Life on the Statistical Prairie

Life on the Statistical Prairie is the twenty-ninth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, the third special and the ninth episode of season two. In this episode, Pearl is failing her math class, not to mention have failed the latest test. After being scolded by Mr. Krabs, Pearl stomps to her room, where she falls through the floor and is knocked into a dream. In this dream, she appears in front of a town known as The Interquartile Range. Pearl is encountered by many characters that attempt to help her learn math, specifically statistics. Will they succeed in their attempt? Will Pearl pass the test?
==Characters==
*Pearl Krabs
*Eugene H. Krabs
*Mr. Gar (debut)
*Mr. Codfish (debut; cameo)
*SpongeBob SquarePants (cameo)
*Patrick Star (cameo)
*Michelle (cameo)
*President of Bikini Bottom/Male Fish 6 (debut; cameo)
*Miscellaneous Numbers of Data Sets
*Miscellaneous Villagers
*Miscellaneous Male Fish
*Children
**Child 1
**Child 2
**Child 3
**Child 4
**Child 5
==Transcript==
*[special begins at a medium shot Bikini Bottom High School; many teenage fish are entering in and out of the school; the bell rings; the camera cuts to a shot of Pearl, walking in a crowded hallway next to her friend, Michelle]
*Pearl: So I heard that in science class, Bill did in fact pass the test.
*Michelle: No...way! He didn't even study!
*Pearl: I didn't either!
*Michelle: Neither did I!
*Both: [in unison; sigh] Teenage rebellion.
*Pearl: So, what's your next class?
*Michelle: [sighs] Mr. Minnow, English. He's like, the worst teacher in the history of school-ology.
*Pearl: Agreed. My next class is Mr. Gar for math. [scoffs] What's the point of the subject in math now?
*Michelle: Yeah. Where are you going to see five to the third power in, like, real life?
*Pearl: Yeah! And now we've moved to statistics! [both stop at consecutive classrooms] Well, here's the math room.
*Michelle: There's the English room. Good luck on the test. I hope you studied. The bad thing is I studied, yet I can't remember anything from it.
*Pearl: Good that I'm a whale. You know they say. A whale never forgets. Or is it an elephant? Eh. Same difference. I'm fully prepared.
*[scene cuts to Pearl, sitting at her desk]
*Mr. Gar: [holds up tests] I will now pass out your tests. [all of class groans] I know. [hands test to student]
*Female Student: Mr. Gar, this test says "59"...and has your name on it!
*Mr. Gar: [snatches paper] Give me that! Uh, pay no attention that, class. Just...uh...do your best. [hands out more tests; stops beside Pearl]
*Pearl: Uh, Mr. Gar. I can't take the test.
*Mr. Gar: Why not?
*Pearl: I've come down with a case of...uh..."Can't Take A Math Test Disease". It's really common in whales that attend Bikini Bottom High School. I think it's going around.
*Mr. Gar: If you were going to come up with a fake disease, at least use proper grammar. It would be "cannot", not "can't".
*Pearl: [coughs] I...uh...think I have that, too!
*[Mr. Gar ignores Pearl and places a test on her desk; Pearl sighs]
*Pearl: What are you? The Language Arts teacher?
*Mr. Gar: [stops at front] Now, if any of you unprepared students need a pencil, please raise your fins now.
*[many fish raise their hands and Pearl raise their hands]
*Mr. Gar: [hands pencils to corresponding students] Now, don't lose them. I only have one left and I need to use it to retake the test I took. [quickly] I mean...uh...do some important teacher-like...stuff. [more quickly] Please begin the test now.
*Pearl: [sighs; whispers] This shouldn't be too hard, right? [reads question quietly] Find the median of the followin set of numbers. How do you do that again? Uh? [rubs head with pencil] Uh? Uh?! Uh?!
*[screen displays a transparent clock floating in front of Pearl; the clock is ticking and Pearl begins sweating]
*Mr. Gar: Time is up! Please put down your pencils!
*[all of the pencils are thrown to the front of the classroom at Mr. Gar]
*Mr. Gar: Just for that, I'm deducting nothing from your test! [class begins moaning]
*Pearl: [to self] Maybe I didn't do that bad on my test.
*[scene cuts to Mr. Krabs's anchor, where he is walking to the mailbox]
*Mr. Krabs: [opens mailbox; takes out mail] Bills. Bills. Bills. Court date. Restraining order. Speeding fine. Speeding fine. [gasps] This is the worst thing I've ever picked up in the mail! A twenty-five?!
*[scene cuts to the kitchen, where Pearl is eating]
*Mr. Krabs: [snatches bowl] How could you get a 25 on your math test and just sit there and...eat?! It's not like you need to eat to survive!
*Pearl: Dad, what are you talking about?
*Mr. Krabs: You failed your math test spot on! How dare you bring in anything less than a one hundred in this house?!
*Pearl: I'm sorry, dad. I don't know what to say. I studied for it, but then I forgot everything.
*Mr. Krabs: Forgot?! That means you weren't doing your best! I'm ashamed of you! [points to Pearl; hand reveals a math test with an "F" on it]
*Pearl: Dad, is that your math test from high school?
*Mr. Krabs: Huh, well, [snatches test behind back], I, uh, well, that's not important. You are supposed to do better than me! And by the way, I suceeded in math later on. [holds up two clams] This is one clam.
*Pearl: That's two.
*Mr. Krabs: That's what I said. [puts away clams] I became a businessman, didn't I? I thought it would rub off on you, but I was wrong. Go to your room, Pearl! You're grounded until shorter notice!
*Pearl: It's further notice!
*Mr. Krabs: That's what I said!
*[Pearl stomps to her room; she attempts to slam the door, yet the door does not move]
*Pearl: Curse my cheap dad for not buying oil for these doors! [holds up math test] It's just a stupid test. Who cares about it? Just look around my room. There's nothing in here that says the mean of this, or the median of that, or the range of that! [plops self onto bed; bed squeaks] Uh oh. [bed and Pearl fall through floor; Pearl hits the ground on the bottom floor, knocking her out]
*[the screen turns to a blur, which indicates an unconscious dream]
*[the dream shows Pearl in a green field, where she is shown sleeping; she slowly awakes]
*Pearl: [looks around] I must have hit my snout on the floor and be having a dream. Where am I?
*Male Fish: [offscreen] Why, you're in the good ol' Interquartile Range.
*Pearl: The what? [turns around] The Interquartile what?
*Male Fish: The Interquartile Range, the finest little town in all of Bikini Bottom.
*Pearl: What am I doing here? I've never seen this place before.
*Male Fish: That's because you're dreaming. Nothing here is real.
*Pearl: Well, I'm real.
*Male Fish: Not in the dream world. You're fake just like the rest of us. Even this lovely little town is fake, come to think of it. It's a good thing, too.
*Pearl: Why is that?
*Male Fish: We've been having some problems ever since you went unconscious from hitting the bottom floor of your anchor house.
*Pearl: Really? Right then?
*Male Fish: Imaginary, remember? No one seems to be able to fix them.
*Pearl: Well, duh. It's math. Noone can solve this.
*Male Fish: Maybe you can. You know what they say: "There's nothing like going on unconscious on a wooden floor to motivate you to help save an imaginary town."
*Pearl: Strangely, that's the second time I've heard that. Anyways, what can I do to save this entire town?
*Male Fish: [jokingly] Save it.
*Pearl: I can't. This entire town is about math, [takes out test] which I am currently failing.
*Male Fish: You have to try! You're the only one that can save this town.
*Pearl: The only one?
*Male Fish: It's a dream. The person that goes unconscious or falls alseep can control anything that happens. Therefore, it's you. Also, no one else in the range wants to do it.
*Pearl: [sighs] Fine, I'll do it, but I won't like it.
*Male Fish: [shrugs shoulders] No one said you had to.
*[scene cuts to Pearl and the male fish walking down the field]
*Pearl: So, where's the first point of interest, guy?
*Male Fish: My name is...well, actually, I don't have a name. You haven't given me one yet. There are five major problems in the Interquartile Range. There is the minimum value village, the Q1 Mountain range, the median square, the Q3 Mountains, and the maximum value village. Completing all five of these tasks will wake you up.
*Pearl: Really? Completing those tasks will get me to wake up?
*Male Fish: Well, really until your father wakes you up when throwing a bucket of cold water on your face. This is just a creative illusion to get you to learn a lesson of wanting to learn.
*Pearl: [lazily] Yipee.
*Male Fish: Here we are. The minimum value village. [camera reveals a village with only a few houses; these houses appear to have suffered some damage]
*Pearl: This is the village? I thought there was going to be a mall, or a shopping mall, or...an outlet mall!
*Male Fish: They have a flea market.
*Pearl: But those items are so five minutes ago!
*Male Fish: Actually, the fleas are quite new.
*Pearl: [sighs] Okay. What's the problem with this village? Well...besides the obvious ones.
*Male Fish: You shall see for yourself. [snaps fingers; teleports Pearl to the village]
*[scene cuts to the interior of the village; Pearl has just landed]
*Pearl: Ew! Gum...on my shoes! [steps off of gum] What am I doing in here, anyway? Oh yeah. Here to save this place. I wonder where I should go.
*Male Fish: [teleports into scene] Maybe you should try the place that has a sign that says "In Need of Help From Pearl Krabs".
*Pearl: If you say so...[walks toward sign]
*[scene cuts to a brick wall; a group of fish are surrounding the wall]
*Pearl: [walks into scene] Why is everyone crowded around this wall?
*Male Fish: This is the wall that is causing the problem in the village. It contains five numbers on it. The problem can be solved if someone can find out the minimum value of the number set.
*Pearl: [walks up to wall] I guess I'm that fish, then. Let's see here. Minimum value. Mini-mum. "Mini". I guess that means little. [takes out a bottle of lip gloss] Like my lip gloss bottle. It's mini.
*Number 12: Ooh! Lip gloss! Can I borrow some? This village air is totally chapping my lips.
*Pearl: Sure! [hands number 12] There you go.
*Number 17: Twelve! Don't you know not to borrow someone else's lip gloss. You never know where their mouths have been.
*Number 15: You hand that back to the nice whale, twelve.
*Number 19: Now, now, daughters. Leave twelve alone. She's still the youngest of the data set and still learning.
*Number 21: Your mother's right. Twelve, hand the lip gloss back.
*Pearl: Wait a minute! Youngest? That's pretty much the same as little-ist, right?
*Number 15: [whispers] Oh, great. Another genius.
*Pearl: So, number twelve, you must be the minimum value of the data set, right?
*Number 12: It is an unfortunate truth.
*Villager 1: Did you hear that?! It's number twelve! Number twelve is the minimum value!
*[a burst of energy rises from the ground, transforming the village in a bright, rich environment; the fish receive better clothing, the soil and flowers are rich and vibrant, and the huts have turned in nicely-sized homes]
*Villager 2: Thank you, oh great whale. You have freed us of our troubles.
*Pearl: I did?
*Villager 2: Yes, you did! How can we repay you?
*Pearl: You haven't even paid me yet.
*Villager 2: Ah, what a kidder. [walks away]
*Pearl: I can see the snob-like behavior of a higher class of living has gotten to their heads already. [sighs; turns to male fish] What's next? [sees a floating SpongeBob] SpongeBob?! What are you doing here?!
*SpongeBob: Well, it is a dream, silly Pearl. And because I'm napping, too. Squidward is complaining about his life and work.
*[scene cuts to the Mr. Krabs's office at the Krusty Krab; Squidward is complaining to Mr. Krabs]
*Squidward: Also, I don't think that the customers are very greatful for the time it takes to serve them. [continues rant]
*[camera pans to reveal SpongeBob, snoring on a seat in the corner]
*[scene cuts back to Pearl's unconscious dream]
*Pearl: [sighs] Fine, but you better help me rather than help me fail.
*SpongeBob: Trust me, I won't. I'm less accident prone in my dreams. Now, time to visit the Q1 Mountains.
*Pearl: The "q" what?
*[SpongeBob snaps his fingers, which teleports them both out of the scene]
*[the scene cuts to the medium shot of a snowy mountain range; a sign next to the camera reads "The Q1 Mountain Range"; the camera cuts to an empty space; a second later, SpongeBob and Pearl teleport to that area]
*SpongeBob: Here we are. The Q1 Mountains.
*Pearl: Q1? What kind of name is that?
*SpongeBob: It's real name is the Quartile One Mountains, yet since shortened versions of words have come into play in the dream world, things aren't the same.
*Pearl: Sorry, you lost me at "it's". By the way, why are we here?
*SpongeBob: It would seem that you would have caught on by now, but here is a refresher. You're here to solve all of the problems of the Interquartile Range. Here is your next challenge.
*Pearl: Where? I don't see a challenge?
*SpongeBob: Oh. [points in the opposite direction] I mean...there's your next challenge. [a group of fish in heavy coats are sitting next to radio equipment]
*Male Fish 2: I told you that the signal would be weak from the top of a mountain.
*Male Fish 3: Ah, get over yourself. It's radio. It's signal never dies out.
*Male Fish 4: Except for when it does. [laughs]
*Pearl: [treks to fish] Hello, heavily-dressed...whatever you guys are. What do you need me to do?
*Male Fish 2: Beat it. [laughs; rest of group laughs with him]
*Male Fish 4: Wait a minute! Don't you know who that is?! It's Barbara Trilobite from the Cooking Channel!
*[group begins to whisper to each other]
*Pearl: No! I'm Pearl Krabs!
*Male Fish 3: From the aerobics channel?
*Pearl: [sighs] Sure, whatever.
*Male Fish 2: Well in that case, here's the exercise table you requested for your show. [throws table at Pearl, knocking her down the side of the mountain]
*[Pearl quickly climbs back up]
*Pearl: Exercise table? [looks at table; spots data set on the top] Ah ha! Let's see. We have 9, 20, 45, 56, and 78. Hmm. Sounds like the grades of all of my math tests I've taken this year.
*SpongeBob: [floats to Pearl] This is tricky, isn't it?
*Pearl: I thought you were supposed to help me! Don't you have a calculator or something?
*SpongeBob: Yes, I do. [takes out calculator] Here we go. [presses button] Um. Give me one second. [continues pressing button] Umm, we have a situation.
*Pearl: What could it be this time?
*SpongeBob: It seems as though this calculator is powered by the energy at sea level.
*Pearl: But we are at sea level! It's the top of an underwater mountain!
*SpongeBob: Uh, not our sea.
*Pearl: What do you mean not our sea?! Forget it! I'll figure it out on my own.
*Number 20: At least you can figure things out on your own. We could all figure out how to ski except for one little number that should not be mentioned.
*Number 9: Thank you!
*Number 20: Who am I kidding? It's 14.5.
*Number 9: Here we go again.
*Number 14.5: [jumps out from behind 9 and 20] It's not my fault that my additional half can't fit into the skis when I'm treading down the slopes.
*Number 20: More like falling down the slopes.
*Number 14.5: It's hard being the first quartile in the family, you know that?!
*Number 20: No! Maybe because I'm not the first quartile in the family.
*Pearl: The first quartile? You're quartile one! 14.5 is quartile one!
*[a burst of energy rises from the ground and engulfs the mountain range; the energy disappears; Pearl looks around, yet notices no difference] Hey, what gives?! I though something good would happen.
*Male Fish 3: Something did. We can talk to the Q3 Mountains again! [talks into radio] Q3 Mountains, do you copy? I repeat. Do you copy?
*Male Voice: [heard on other end] No, I don't copy. I can't copy! You have the answers to the test and you won't give them to me.
*Male Fish 3: Well sorry if you're too lazy to study.
*Male Fish 2: [to Pearl] An avalanche cut off the connection between us two mountain ranges.
*Male Fish 4: But now that you have cleared it, we can cheat as we please!
*SpongeBob: Well, our work here is done. Let us get to our next destination.
*Pearl: I got this one! [folds in legs of table] Let's tread some snow! [Pearl and SpongeBob begin sliding down the side of the mountain] Whoo hoo!
*SpongeBob: Eh. It would be more fun if I didn't float.
*Pearl: Well, I now know that I get a new guy everytime I complete a task, so who am I going to get next.
*Patrick: [offscreen] Uh...I don't know. He has to be around him somewhere.
*Pearl: [turns around] Hey. You're that...uh, pink guy SpongeBob always hangs around.
*Patrick: [in a British accent] Affirmative. I also want to state that you seem to be in desperate need of a tour guide, therefore I shall be your chap.
*Pearl: Where did that come from? That guy Squidward always call you an "idiot".
*Patrick: [accent ends] What's that? It sounds fancy. [points into horizon] Hey look! Median square park!
*Pearl: Oh no! We're going in too steep! We're going to crash!
*Patrick: Don't worry. You can only crash when you're not moving.
*Pearl: [screams; crashes into park]
*[sleds begins to spin-out of control; the sled begins to drag on the dirt floor toward the tree; the sled stops and only taps the tree, bringing it to a complete stop]
*Pearl: Whoo! [wipes forhead; Patrick floats up] Why didn't you help me?!
*Patrick: With what?
*Pearl: With...!
*Patrick: [places finger on Pearl's mouth] Shh shh! Did you hear that? It sounds like...a park.
*Pearl: Maybe because we're in the park, you dunce! Now where's the problem and how do I solve it?
*Patrick: [crosses arms] Well, maybe you should ask your tour guide. And if I were him, I would tell you that it's right behind you, yet I'm not him, so you might want to find him.
*Pearl: [sighs; walks in opposite direction; stops] Is this it?
*Patrick: Ask your guide, Pearl. [scoffs]
*Pearl: Okay, then. If you were my guide, would this be the problem I have to solve.
*Patrick: Well, yes. But stop asking your non-guide. [turns away]
*Child 1: [runs to Pearl] Ah, the Great Orca! It's you.
*Pearl: Great Orca? Why would they name me...oh well. It's better than being called...
*Child 1: The problem is getting worse. No one in this town can find the median of a set of numbers. And because of this, we can't play in the park. He even popped our kicking ball. [drops onto knees] Doesn't he know the importance of a kicking ball?! [sobs]
*Pearl: Someone needs to stop these numbers! Great Orca, away! [holds up fist in the air; coughs pointedly] I could use a boost, Patrick.
*Patrick: I'm not an energy drink, either!
*[scene cuts to a group of numbers, patrolling the park as if controlled by a dictatorship]
*Number 19: That's right. Keep walking. This tree isn't going to bulldoze itself.
*Number 16: That's right. It's not! Unless we modify it scientifically.
*Number 19: [facepalms] Oh, number 19. It's always the science.
*Pearl: [walks into scene] Excuse me, number set. I have been receiving complaints that you guys are disrupting these people in the park.
*Number 19: Yeah. So what?
*Pearl: So...uh...[unconfidently] stop?
*[the two numbers laugh hysterically]
*Number 16: [laughing] You want us to do that right now? [continues laughter]
*Number 19: Whoo! [wipes tear from eye] Okay, enough laughing. Let's cut this tree down already.
*Child 2: [runs into scene along with other children] You can't do this to us!
*Child 3: Think about the park!
*Child 4: Think about the tree!
*Child 5: Think about the natural struggle it takes to grow a tree of that size and stature under water!
*Number 19: Too late. All of the other numbers have already been paid to do it. Nothing's going to change their minds...except for guessing the median of our number set, and that's not going to happen! [laughs evilly]
*Patrick: [floats into scene] Yeah. It's not like anyone can figure out the median of 14, 16, 19, 20, 35, and 87 all in one week. It would take at least...one week...and...well...another week.
*Anonymous Number: [offscreen] It would be so hard if I wasn't kept out of all of the family portraits! [anonymous number steps out from behind tree]
*Number 19: 19.5, you know you're not supposed to be out here while we're cutting a tree. You're the median of our family. You'll get crushed!
*Pearl: Median...of...family?! 19.5! 19.5 is the median of the data set!
*Number 16: I knew I shouldn't have brought you along, you knuckle-head! [hits Number 19 on back of head]
*Number 19: You weren't so shabby yourself, 16.
*[a burst of energy overcomes the number set, placing all of them except for 19.5 in the jail]
*Number 19.5: Maybe it pays to be the median child after all.
*Pearl: Ah, that was fairly easy, right, Patrick?
*Mr. Gar: [offscreen] I don't know. I wasn't here until now.
*Pearl: Mr. Gar? You're my instructor for the Q3 Mountains?
*Mr. Gar: It would seem so. Don't be weirded out. This is just a dream. By the way, why do you dream about me having uncontrollable gas and a sudden taste for math homework?
*Pearl: [shrugs] You fail me, you get humiliated. Well, at least in my dreams.
*Mr. Gar: I can live with that...somewhat. [snaps fingers]
*[scene cuts to the top of the Q3 Mountains; a male fish is talking on a radio]
*Male Fish 5: Well, then if you won't let me copy your answers, I'll tell the boss that you said he was a...
*Pearl: [teleports above male fish; falls onto him with a splash] Why couldn't you have given me a better landing spot?
*Mr. Gar: [teleports into scene] Well, lucky for you, you don't feel pain the dream world, yet you do feel humiliation. [hissing] Hint hint.
*Pearl: [stands up; brushes off snow] Whatever. Just...tell me where my next challenge is.
*Mr. Gar: Well, without the answers to the test, the leader of the Q3 Mountains cannot send in his request for vacation to the maximum value village. You need to make the answers magically appear on his paper by finding the third quartile of a data set.
*Pearl: [sighs] Another data set? [flops forward onto snow] Luckily, you don't get frostbite in the dream world.
*Mr. Gar: Ah ah ah. I think you'll find this data set quite interesting. [snaps fingers]
*Pearl: Oh, really? [gasps]
*[camera reveals a hunky teenage fish riding by on a jetski; the jetski has the number 2 on it]
*[another hunky teenage fish rides by on another jetski that reads 5]
*[this cycle continues onto three more hunky teenage fish pass by on a corresponding amount of jetskis with the numbers 19, 21, and 45 on them]
*Mr. Gar: So, did you see the data set?
*Pearl: [in trance; breaks out of trance] What data set? All I saw were five single teenage boys on dreamy jetskis.
*Mr. Gar: But did you see the numbers on the jetskis?
*Pearl: I thought you would have configured that 'no, I did not see the numbers on the jetski because I was illuded by single teenage boys' already.
*Mr. Gar: [to self] I knew I shouldn't have made this a teen-related data set. [aloud] The numbers were 2, 5, 19, 21, and 45. Now find the third quartile of those numbers.
*Pearl: You expect me to do that right now?
*Mr. Gar: Well, as your math teacher, yes, but as a member of this village, I would say [yells] yes, I heavily rely on you to solve this data set!
*Pearl: Well, fine. Fine. Just give me a minute.
*Number 2: Clearly, I think this mathematically-insufficient whale needs a little more than a minute. Wouldn't you agree, number 5.
*Number 5: [sighs] What did I tell you about using words no one understands, 2?!
*Number 2: Well, I dearly apologize, sister, yet you really should expand your vocabulary. You never can overestimate...
*Number 5: Ugh. Stop your...self. You're going to wake the twins!
*Number 2: Well, good. They've slept too long already. Two threes shouldn't sleep but for an hour.
*Pearl: Two...threes. Two threes. That must mean three three!
*Mr. Gar: Thirty-three, you mean.
*Number 5: [to Mr. Gar] Oh, don't you start now.
*Pearl: I'm locking in my answer of thirty-three! Final answer!
*[a surge of energy travels to Male Fish 5's paper; the energy magically makes the answers appear on the sheet; the energy takes the answers from the mountains and to the maximum value village]
*Pearl: Woo hoo! I did it! I did it! I did it, yeah! All on my own, I did it!
*Mr. Gar: Teenagers. [snaps fingers; disappears]
*Pearl: So, who's next on the list, Mr. Gar? Mr. Gar?
*Male Fish 6: [in a proud voice] Well, I say. Why am I here in the Interquartile Range? This place was outlawed...just like...daytime television.
*Pearl: Who are you?
*Male Fish 6: Why, if it isn't Pearl Krabs.
*Pearl: You look familiar. How do you know me?
*Male Fish 6: Well, it's simple. I know you because I am the President of Bikini Bottom...and because you have the lowest average in everything that you've done in Bikini Bottom...included "whale-manship".
*Pearl: Oh. How are you going to help me?
*President: Why, I already am helping. I've teleported you to the maximum value village.
*Pearl: Uh, no you haven't.
*President: Oh. [snaps fingers]
*[scene cuts to the maximum value village; the President and Pearl have teleported there]
*President: Now I am officially helping, right?
*Pearl: [whispers] Whatever floats your boat, President.
*President: I say, how can you even find your problem here what with all of the troubles I spot in this village.
*Pearl: What's wrong with the village? Everything looks fine to me.
*President: I'm talking about this pebble here. It's in my way. [picks up pebble; places it next to him] That's better. Why, now I see your problem.
*Pearl: [hopping around scene] Where?! Where are the hunky and single teen boys on jetskis?!
*President: I don't see that. There must be another pebble in my way. But I do see a squad of police officers with shirts that have numbers on them.
*Pearl: [continues hopping] Are they teenagers? Are they single? Are they hunky? Are they on jetskis?!
*President: No, but they do have a sign that reads "Next Challenge for Pearl Krabs Artillary". Say, I wonder if that's for you.
*Pearl: [whispers] Who was the runner-up for the President of Bikini Bottom?
*[scene cuts to Pearl and the President walking toward the security guards]
*Pearl: Out of my way. Out of my way. The Great Orca coming through.
*Officer 1: Halt! If you're the Great Orca, then you would have the brains enough to know that you cannot pass into the village until you find the maximum value of the data set on our shirts.
*Pearl: Okay, then. Turn your shirts around.
*Officer 2: We like wearing our shirts like this! Just go around us to see.
*Pearl: Fine. [begins to walk past security guards]
*Officer 2: What part of "halt" and the inferred sense of "do not cross" are you not getting?
*Pearl: Well, how else am I supposed to see the numbers on the back of your shirts?
*[officers shrug]
*Pearl: And how did you seem them, Mr. President?
*President: [shrugs] I had a better view.
*Pearl: Well, what were they?
*President: I can't remember. You didn't give me the ability to remember things in the dream world.
*Pearl: Curse my totally irrelevant yet future effective dreams. I guess I can't find the maximum value.
*Officer 3: [outburst] Okay! Okay. I can't help it anymore. The maximum value is not on any of our shirts.
*Officer 1: [sighs] He's right. The truth is...
*Deep Voice: [offscreen] I'm right up here!
*[the camera reveals the origin of the deep voice, who is a giant number 98]
*Number 98: I'm number 98, the largest number of the data set.
*Pearl: Largest number? That must mean...
*Number 98: Yeah, yeah. I'm the maximum value and what not. I'm going back to my nap. A number 98 doesn't get giant like this by sleep deprivation, now does he?
*Pearl: I wasn't going to say the maximum value. I was going to say you're an outlier.
*Number 98: Well, actually I'm not. Eh...[waves hand] You'll learn about it later in math class.
*Pearl: [sighs] Learning. Dipping my head in a bucket of water sounds fun.
*President: More like throwing water from a bucket into your face. [throws bucket of water into Pearl's face]
*Pearl: Why in the deep blue sea did you do that?!
*President: To wake you up, Pearl. To wake you. [throws another bucket of water onto's Pearl's face]
*[scene cuts from unconscious dream to reality, where Mr. Krabs is throwing water onto an unconscious Pearl]
*Mr. Krabs: I hope she understands that she's raising my water bill. [throws final bucket of water, waking Pearl]
*Pearl: Huh? What? I don't remember your first name, Mr. President! I wasn't paying attention in modern studies!
*Mr. Krabs: Pearl, how could you be sleeping at a time like this? You got an F in math! For that, you're grounded!
*Pearl: My "F" in math! Oh know! [jumps through hole in ceiling; breaks through anchor roof]
*Mr. Krabs: Or...not grounded.
*[scene cuts to Pearl, dashing toward Bikini Bottom High; she bursts through the doors and stops at a classroom only occupied by Mr. Gar]
*Mr. Gar: Pearl? What are you doing here?
*Pearl: [holds up pencil] To retake something I should have passed a long time ago.
*Mr. Gar: [a sly grin arrives on his face] Then...let the grades...improve! [throws test on desk]
*Pearl: [hops into seat; reads problem mentally] "Find the minimum value of the numbers 5, 4, and 7." [aloud] Smallest, smallest, smallest. [circles answer choice "5"] Yes! I did it! Next question! Huh? That's it?
*Mr. Gar: [takes test] Do you really think I'm going to re-create a whole test just so one person can retake it? [reads answer] Mmm hmm. Mmmm hmm. Good news. You passed...
*Pearl: Yes!
*Mr. Gar: ...You passed the first quiz. Therefore, I am marking you as an A. Now, for the next quiz.
*Pearl: [celebrating standing on seat; stops celebration dance] What? The next quiz? [a male fish walks into the classroom] Mr. Codfish, what are you doing here?
*Mr. Codfish: Here to give you your next quiz.
*Pearl: Quiz?! [looks at paper; reads question aloud] "What is the first name of the current President of Bikini Bottom?"?! Nooooooo!
*Mr. Codfish: I got this. [hits Pearl with a stack of graded papers, knocking her unconscious]
*Mr. Gar: Uh, you know that she would have fainted after a while, right?
*Mr. Codfish: Yeah, but you know what they say: "There's nothing more fun than knocking out your student with their own failing test.".
*[the scene ends with Mr. Gar and Mr. Codfish laughing]
*Pearl: [snores] Oh, not you again, Mr. President!
*[special ends]
Category:Absorbent Days
Category:Absorbent Days Episodes
Category:Absorbent Days Episodes: Season Two
Category:Absorbent Days Specials
Category:2013
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:2010s