The Communist Pineapple

is the fifth episode of season two, and the twelfth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on August 28, 2020.
== Plot ==
In the fourth debate of the cycle, candidates feud on economics, criminal justice, terrorism, and the State of the Union. Be prepared for fist-fights!
== Transcript ==
Mr. Pepperchicken: Welcome, my heterosexual folks, to another debate in the wonderful world of Bikini Bottom! Today is the fourth democratic debate. Without further adoing, let’s get into today’s topics. Our first topic is criminal justice reform.
[Cut to Mr. Sanders]
Mr. Sanders: People can change, as well as criminals. They can be reformed into normal people, plain and simpler than my health condition.
[Cut to Mr. Biden]
Mr. Biden: I believe that criminal justice is a major problem in Bikini Bottom. They have too many rights. That’s why I wrote the 1994 crime bill, and also why I drugged Mr. Sanders so he could vote for it.
Mr. Sanders: Joe, you scarred me for life.
Mr. Pepperchicken: I'm sorry, Biden, but did you just say-
Mr. Biden: MOVING ON!
Mr. G: I think that all criminals should be released from prison! Instead, we should place Mr. Pineapple in prison instead!
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT
Mr. G: Indeed.
Mr. Fancyson: Well I’ll tell you who’s really committing crime, it’s all the black and brown fish. That’s why we need to make sure all of them are stopped and frisked by the police!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Don’t forget the Jewish fish!
Mr. Fancyson: Well actually I am-
Mr. Sanders: I must say, I am disgusted by the blatant racism on display here by Mr. Fancyson.
Mr. Pepperchicken and Mr. Biden: I don’t see a problem with it.
Mr. Pineapple: 1% of Bikini Bottomites are in prison. That's equivalent to a prison population of 3 million. [snorts] What do you have to say about yourself, Mr. Biden?
Mr. Biden: Sounds good to me!
Mr. Sanders: [steams up] Grrr!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Now let’s turn to a separate issue. Terrorism.
Mr. Pineapple: Woah woah woah! Who says it’s an issue? Once again, the corporate media displays it’s blatant right-wing bias.
Mr. Biden: I agree with Mr. Pineapple. There’s nothing wrong with terrorism. I was a big proponent of the Bikini Bottom terrorist attack on Iraq-
Mr. Pineapple: Not that kind of terrorism! That’s the bad kind! The good kind of terrorism is that committed against Bikini Bottom, not by it!
Mr. R’Onion: I think terrorism commited against or by any country is good, as long as it’s environmental terrorism.
Mr. Sanders: I think terrorism of all forms is wrong-
[Sanders is booed by all the other candidates on the stage]
Mr. Pepperchicken: I think it’s obvious that the best kind of terrorism is that commited by Russia!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Let’s turn the focus to economics.
Mr. Sanders: The billionaire class needs to face justice for their inhumane actions. The working class works just as hard as they do, yet they struggle to even put food on the table.
Mr. Fancyson: How dare you, Mr. Sanders. The billionaire class is one of the best aspects of a functional economy. Without me and my rich tycoon friends, Bikini Bottom would be like Venezuela!
Mr. Biden: I agree with Mr. Fancyson here. We need to stop taxing the billionaire class altogether.
Mr. Pepperchicken: That’s way too extreme. We should only stop taxing the heterosexual folk in the billionaire class, while still mandating that we have to seize every last penny from the wealthy homosexuals.
Mr. Biden: What does their green bags smell like?
Mr. Sanders: What is up with you and money?
Mr. Biden: Well one day I sat on an orange, and that changed my life.
Mr. Sanders: Okay?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Let’s switch topics to music!
Mr. Sanders: Is that even political?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well it was a listed topic for today, so I guess? Mr. Banana is an odd fellow.
Mr. Biden: He’s cool with me so we're cool. Number 1 surrogate! [points at Mr. Banana in the audience]
Mr. Banana: [points back] [winks]
Mr. Sanders: Is anyone gonna tell him that you like music?
Mr. Biden: Never.
Mr. Banana: Excuse me, cease that blasphemy.
Mr. R’Onion: Where did you come from?
Mr. Sanders: I'll cease this blasphemy when I'm dead!
Mr. Banana: Won't take long.
Mr. Sanders: Well you got me there.
Mr. Banana: No.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Moving on. Back to the ECONOMICAL DEBATE. Mr. Sanders, you and your campaign have labeled yourselves as Bikini Bottomite “socialists” calling for a government takeover of healthcare and every major industry. Some of your rivals have characterized that as a communism. Your response?
Mr. Sanders: Well, my rivals are wacky wombats.
Mr. Fancyson: Sanders is Joseph Stalin’s puppy. Period! He wrote so many essays commending communism, he must be Karl Marx in disguise!
Mr. Biden: If we run on socialism, Marxism, or communism, we will get crushed by Donald Trump and we will get crushed badly.
Mr. Sanders: Healthcare as a human right is not communism. Student debt forgiveness is not communism. Raising the minimum wage is not communism.
Mr. Fancyson: Nice try eliminating millions of jobs with that, perp scarecrow.
Mr. Sanders: ...Perp scarecrow? What the hell kind of that insult is that?
Mr. Pineapple: I think he’s saying it because you’re Jewish.
Mr. Fancyson: What?! No I’m not! I am Jewish!
Mr. Pepperchicken: [gasps] WHAT?!
Mr. Fancyson: Yep. [takes a lick of an ice cream cone] Mhm, big gay ice cream.
Mr. Pepperchicken: [gasps again] OH MY GOD! I can’t believe I got huckstered into supporting you! There’s no way I’m rigging the primary for you now!
Mr. Sanders: ...You were planning on rigging the primary in favor of him?
Mr. Biden: HEY! I thought you were supposed to be rigging the primary in favor of me!
Mr. Pepperchicken: That was until I found out you were a SELL-OUT! You took the right stance on DOMA, but then you sold out to Big Homo and changed your position!
Mr. Sanders: This is absolutely absurd! The primary shouldn’t be rigged in favor of anyone! Let the best man win!
Mr. Fancyson: I completely agree with Mr. Sanders. Women aren’t fit to be in leadership roles. That’s why in my company, they were all underlings that got routinely sexually harassed.
Mr. Biden: I must say, the business credentials of my rival are impeccable!
Mr. Sanders: I am confident that in a clean and fair election, voters will decide to nominate a progressive candidate. People don’t want the same old same old, they want a political revolution!
Mr. Pineapple: Indeed. That’s why I shall be the Democratic nominee.
Mr. Sanders: Actually, I was referring to myself.
Mr. Pineapple: Pft, you don’t even support terrorism against imperial institutions! You call yourself a socialist? You’re a fraud!
Mr. R’Onion: Nevermind that! He eats plants! No true environmentalist would do such a thing!
Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion: The problem, Bernie, is you're too conservative.
Mr. Biden: No, he's too leftist!
Mr. Fancyson: I agree with Mr. Biden. The left-wing radicalism on display is absolutely disgusting.
Mr. Pineapple: There’s nothing wrong with left-wing radicalism.
Mr. Fancyson: It destroys economies.
Mr. Pineapple: Actually, it’s the illegal and murderous sanctions imposed by Bikini Bottom that destroys economies.
Mr. Biden: [bangs fists on podium] It destroys lives!
Mr. Pineapple: Sir, you voted to kill thousands of lives in Iraq.
Mr. Biden: They had weapons of mass destruction, so that makes it totally fair.
Mr. Sanders: Imagine believing Bush and Cheney.
Mr. Pineapple: They deserve to rot in The Hague.
Mr. G: As a prison abolitionist, I believe we should get rid of the Hague.
Mr. Pineapple: Prison abolitionist? I thought you wanted me to be in prison?
Mr. G: Eh, it’ll be more of a concentration camp than a prison.
Mr. Biden: What's “The Hague”?
Mr. Krabs: [shouts from audience] It's worse than Davy Jones’ Locker.
Mr. Biden: Sounds like paradise.
Mr. Sanders: [raises hand] Can I make a statement?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sure.
Mr. Sanders: Ladies and gentlemen: we are living in the most oligarchic society in fish history, where the masses are being controlled by a handful of billionaires and the top 1% totally unconcerned with the lives of the Bikini Bottom people. Jeff Fish-O’s of Atlantis.com is the richest fish in Bikini Bottom, yet doesn't pay a living wage to his workers. Jeff Fish-O’s doesn't guarantee enough paid leave. Only five months for new parents, instead of an entire year, what a disgrace for a company his size. Atlantis' working conditions are abominable, and that brings me to my final point: we need a wealth tax! [throws his spectacles / glasses at Fancyson] and you and your buddy Perch Perkins will BOTH pay for it! Alongside Fish-O’s and the other cretins.
Mr. Fancyson: That’s a hoax. The wealth tax is unconstitutional!
Mr. Sanders: Aren’t you an advocate of stop-and-frisk, which a judge found to violate the constitutional rights of minorities?
Mr. Fancyson: That didn’t cost me any money, so it’s fine.
Mr. Biden: We need an increased capital gains tax. And an increased corporate tax. If I'm President, I'll reverse Trump’s tax cuts!
Mr. Pineapple: You all are a bunch of blasted buffoons. FDR proposed a tax of 100% for incomes over half a million dollars. Is he insane?
Mr. Fancyson: Yes. There should be NO taxes! I hate taxes!
[cut to Mr. Krabs in the audience[
Mr. Krabs: Exactly! [holds a sign] Taxation is theft!
[cut back to the debate stage]
Mr. Sanders: Let’s tax billionaires out of existence! 37% wealth tax, or a tax of 2 cents for every dollar above $50 million!
Mr. Pineapple: Sanders is unfit to lead the progressive movement. Only tax billionaires out of existence? We should be taxing millionaires out of existence too! 
Mr. Sanders: I'm going after the big banks. Jamie Fishmon committed mortgage fraud on so many homeowners in this wonderful ocean community. He also defrauded and misled investors, and his big bank got a pathetic bailout when it’s literally unbustable. Remove the corporate influence! I plan to take on the big tech companies like Atlantis.com, Orange iPhones, FishBook, and Foogle.
Mr. Biden: Conservatism rules! Racism rules! Terrorism rules! The establishment rules!
Mr. Tentacles: [through a blow horn from the audience] No it doesn't!
[Squidward runs up to the debate stage, security tries to stop him but they're too slow, climbs up on top and tries to bunch Biden]
Mr. Biden: Watch it, Jack. [punches Squidward back]
Mr. Tentacles: Trying to undermine Sanders, I see. Hayiha!
[Security ambushes Squidward]
Mr. Tentacles: Uh- Sandy! I need your help here! Please provide your Karate skills and expertise!
[cut to Sandy in the audience, snoring]
Securities: [cuff Squidward]
Mr. Tentacles: [screams at the top of his lungs] HELP!
[Secret Service escort Squidward off stage and outside]
Mr. Pineapple: Violence for the cause. I like it! In fact, that gives me a great idea!
[Mr. Pineapple takes out a red button and presses it. Cut to outside, where tons of missiles are suddenly pointed at the debate stadium.]
Mr. Pineapple: I’m holding this place hostage! Make me the nominee now, or I’ll blow this whole place up!
Mr. Biden: Uh, Jack, you do realize that you’re also in the building?
Mr. Pineapple: The cause of communism is worth more than my life. I have no issues being a martyr.
Mr. Biden: We’re not nominating you. Call this thing off now, or else.
Mr. Pineapple: Or else what?
Mr. Biden: Or else I’ll do to you what I did to Corn Pop.
Mr. Pineapple: Ooh, two fist fights in one debate? How exciting! [smirks, pulling up sleeves]
Mr. Biden: Who said anything about a fist fight? [smirks, unzipping pants]
[Mr. Pineapple’s eyes widen.]
Mr. Biden: Come here beautiful! [begins running toward Mr. PIneapple]
Mr. Pineapple: NOT AGAIN! [runs away]
[screaming is heard from Mr. Pineapple off-screen. Mr. Biden comes back on-screen, holding the remote in his hands.]
Mr. Biden: Got it!
[He presses the red button, however it does nothing.]
Mr. Biden: What the? [presses the button, however still nothing] JACK! How do you turn this thing off?
Mr. Pineapple: Huh? Oh, you can’t.
Mr. Biden: WHAT
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well on the bright side, at least all the homosexuals in the audience will be killed!
[Suddenly the missiles are launched, destroying the entire building in a huge explosion. The TV then shuts off.]
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