Firmus Piett's graduation speech

Firmus Piett hijacked the microphone right after Remus Fairfax gave his speech and delivered his: 
"An all-around no-good dirty-rotten negative-influencing scoundrel, and the best companion any aspiring officer could ever wish for. I'm honored to count him as mine. 
My name is Firmus Piett, I'm sure a lot of you know me as the one who decided to blow up classroom 44 as a little experiment; others know me as the one who hardly touches alcohol. That's the reason why, I'm sorry everyone, I was drunk off my choobies when it happened. 
Don't get me too excited because I use four letter words when I get excited. I graduated from the University of Life. I received a degree from the School of Hard Knocks, and our colors were black and blue, baby. We had office hours with the Dean of Bloody Noses. I borrowed my class notes from Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his Teaching Assistant, Miss Fat Lip Fong Ngyuen. That’s the kind of school I went to, for real... Bring on the drinks and lets go to a bar, tonight's a night to party! You only have an experience like this once in your life. I really want to thank the headmaster for not kicking me out the first time I puked on his desk. I'm so sorry about that. 
I've learned something about friends and I'm thankful for them. Friends and underwear have a lot in common: Some are a little twisted, some are your favorite, and some cover your butt when you need them. A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked. Good friends offer a shoulder when you need to cry. Best friends are there to beat up whoever made you cry.
 
=== Quote credit ===
Don't get me too excited because I use four letter words when I get excited (Bono's 2004 commencement speech)
I graduated from the University of Life. I received a degree from the School of Hard Knocks, and our colors were black and blue, baby. We had office hours with the Dean of Bloody Noses. I borrowed my class notes from Professor Knuckle Sandwich and his Teaching Assistant, Miss Fat Lip Fong Ngyuen. That’s the kind of school I went to, for real... (Will Ferrell's 2003 harvard speech)
Category:Speeches
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