22 Jump Street/Transcript

PREVIOUSLY ON 21 JUMP STREET You're a f*cking nerd. Boy, you lucky you even graduating. - f*ck! Oh! You're good at this, huh? Yeah. You're really good at this. Yeah. Hey, you want to be friends? Yours isn't loaded, right? Just touch it. I'm scared. Just touch it. Seriously. All right, all right, all right. You took a b*llet for me, man. You sh*t me in the dick! Boom, f*ck! You two sons of bitches are going to college! Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive and is associated with water and femininity. While, Yang, by contrast, is fast and solid and... Man, this is BS. I thought we were going to actual college, not online college. Listening for coded messages in lectures. What are you talking about? Look around. This is our city. What do we want to be in college for? You're right. Partners for life. At Metro city port, the tide comes in at 10:30 A.M. Then it will return to the sea. Metro port. One hour. Let's do this. Surprise. There's two more arms. Shit! That's the ghost. The ghost? Joste nillsen, biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Metro city. He teamed up with a Mexican cartel and they're running all this shit through the port. What the hell are we supposed to be buying? I don't know. What are you doing? Huh? I got a new identity that's gonna be k*ll. I'll be throwing it to you to make it legit. Okay. I'm gonna need you to improvise. Okay? I don't want to improvise. I'm gonna need you to improvise. I suck at improvising. I don't want to do it. I need absolute silence while I fall into character. I need absolute silence while I fall into character. Can you give me a head start on... I need absolute... I need absolute silence. Can you please... Absolute silence. Are you f*cking serious right now? All right. I hate people who are late. We're trying to see that product. Shit! Yo, sleepy! What's up, homie? You know my cousin, sad boy. I think you got the wrong guy, homes. Oh, that's bullshit, man! You sleepy! Everyone say in the barrio, sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit. Hey, my partner here, he want to see the product. Why ain't he talking? My name is Jeff. That's jeffe, man. Tell 'em about mousie's quinceanera, man. Tell 'em about that crazy adventure you guys had. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, man, when you were telling the story last night, you had so much detail! The detail was so rich! It was rich detail! Go into incredibly descriptive details of the story, so we all know. Oh, yes. It was Dora and Diego and swiper. Swiper? Who was that you choked out, man? He had it coming! Who was that? Boots. No, man, that wasn't boots! Boots isn't a real name! You got to tell them the real story, man. Start over from the top. That's a made-up name. I can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days. It really makes me miss the '90s, when we had professionals around. You want to check out the goods? Check it out. And shut up. Right? Where'd you find this gringo, man? At the f*cking Mumford & sons concert and shit? What is it? g*n? Drugs? No! No! Dude! It's gross! It's inking in my mouth! I'll get it off. Its tentacle is eating me! It's so strong! It's really on there, man. It's biting my face! Shit! Black market exotic animals, just like we expected to be in there. The accents are gone, huh? Take them out, guys. They're cops. What was that? I don't know! I think we're moving. We're definitely moving! There's f*cking birds and shit in here! There's actual shit! What the f*ck? There's a f*cking dragon in here! Shit! What was that? Dude, that was our car. We shared so much in that car! I'm going to sh**t them in the face for that! That was our f*cking car! What are you doing? Don't teen wolf on the truck! Don't leave me here alone! Then get up here! I can't do that! Then f*cking climb around. Come on, climb around. Let's go. Come on, buddy. You got it. This is so scary! sh**t him! Don't leave me out here! I'm all out. You stupid moron! That's it. Come on. f*cking get up here. Come on. f*ck! All right, you good? Yeah! All you got to do is walk now, okay? Okay. Shit! What the f*ck are you doing? Get up here! I can't! All right, fine, I guess I'll just drag you. I'm gonna die! You're not gonna die. Just get the f*ck up here! Pull yourself up here. Use your core! You got it, you got it. Come on, come on. Yeah! All right. Think you can stand on your own now? Yes! I think we lost them. Shit! He's the f*cking Terminator! That's f*cking dangerous! You are under arrest! Pull the truck over! I said pull the f*cking truck over right f*cking now! You owe me a car, and it'd better be a f*cking Lamborghini, you bitch! I did it! You have the right to remain silent. Oh, shit! Holy Moses! Shit. What happened? I think they got away. Is that a hickey? Oh. This was actually an octopus-related incident. I'd opened a crate and the octopus had leapt onto my face. Apparently, they have many, many arms. They have eight tentacles. Yes, and... Look, ladies, nobody gave a shit about the jump street reboot when you first came on. Anyone with half a brain, myself included, thought it was destined to fail spectacularly. But you got lucky. So now this department has invested a lot of money to make sure jump street keeps going. We've doubled their budget. As if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit. Like that's going to work. Yeah. Well, the commissioner's convinced this debacle happened because you weren't doing the same undercover student thing you did the first time. She doesn't get that it's always worse the second time around. You settle into worn-out roles. One gets possessive, the other runs away. You begin a slow, painful unraveling, as all the good things that came before begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness. That doesn't sound like us. I mean... I'm getting a divorce. We don't want to do the same thing. We want to burst through our ceiling. And you're gonna find another ceiling and you got to bust through that one, and you just got to keep hammering ceilings. Okay, okay, okay. What if we actually went into the secret service and, like, tried to protect the white house? I think... I don't think that would work. I'm going to ask you to stop talking. I thought it was a pretty good idea. Do the same thing as last time, everyone's happy. I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back. Yeah. Good thing there was an even bigger abandoned church directly across the street. Yeah. That's convenient. Yes, it is convenient. Next year, we'll probably just be right back across the street. Just next door. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We're not ahead of ourselves. We're right next to each other. This is awesome. Like, way more expensive for no reason. Look at dickson's office. Looks like a giant cube of ice. How you bitches like jump street now? Hey! Y'all see this shit? 22 jump street is the lick. And I got a big-ass raise to babysit you two f*ck again. Designed it myself. We got an espresso bar. I'm thinking about a shark t*nk over there. Ooh, I like sharks. f*ck a 21 jump street, and f*ck a Korean Jesus. Whoa! Cap, come on, Korean Jesus is right there. That's Vietnamese Jesus. See, this a Vietnamese church. You r*cist, sacrilegious sack of shit. Look at that. Vietnamese Jesus just dripping swagoo. And we got some new dumb-ass interns. Hey, hey! Look alive! Huh? Boys. Yo, jenko. Hey, Schmidt! Don't do that. So, they want the same shit, so here we go. Same identities. Same assignment. We're going back to high school? Your ass look like you about 50. You're going to MC state. We're going to college for real? Somebody's out there, they're cooking up a new drug. It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy mixed with God knows what else. Wipey? No, you dumb f*ck. Whyphy. Stands for work hard? Yes. Play hard? Yes. Now, these kids take this shit, and they get laser-focused for about four hours of studying, and then they party like it's g*dd*mn 1999. Who's this? That's Cynthia Watson. She was a student at MC state. She took some whyphy, got locked out of her dorm, ended up falling off the roof. And now she's dead. That's her buying drugs on campus. And that's the dealer. Find him and we find the supplier. Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black v*ctim. I mean, we care so much more because she's black. I think what he's really trying to say is that we care equally. It's a tie, really, how much we care. Uh... no, we're not. If it was a white person, I wouldn't even care. One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about. Why every time you speak I want to throw the f*ck up? Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier. You all right? Yeah. It's just... I'm the first person in my family to pretend to go to college. Best part is we get to do it together. What's up, college? What's up, bro? We're 322. f*ck high school, right? f*ck high school. Oh, so tight! Oh, this is so baller! Beds... oh, shit. Oh, dope. That looks like cum. That's cum. Okay. All right. Already got cum on the mattress, dawg. Welcome to college. f*ck, yeah. Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol. Some bacon machine that my mom got me. I do not understand how it works. It's true. Super high-tech police gear. Carte Blanche with the budget, f*ck. I'm going to veto that poster. It's a touch childish. Okay. What do lambos have to do with touching children? Lambos are lame. I get one choice. I get one thing that I'm not... We have to agree. You know what I mean? What up, fellas? We're your across-the-hall neighbors. Oh, hey, there's two of you. You're twins. What's up, man? We're the yangs, man. Kenny Yang. What's up? Keith Yang. What's going on? What's going on? Did you say the yangs? Yeah, dad's Chinese, man. Our mom's not Chinese. She's black. Oh. She's like real black. Like Wesley snipes black. Exactly. We're brothers, too. No. He's not kidding. He's serious. Oh, really? What? Like, one of y'all older? Mmm-hmm. Yeah, 'cause you got crow's feet under your eyes, man. You specifically. We're actually just normal college age. I mean, even if you're a little older, that's cool, man, because, you know, girls here love older dudes. That's true. Plus, there's mad f*ck girls here. Mad f*ck. Especially during spring break. I love spring break. But I do have to say, I've f*cked a thousand girls by now and I don't know, at the end of the day, you just kind of want something that's just a little deeper really. Yeah, balls deeper. Jinx. Buy me a coke. Oh, snap, we're still saying the same thing. This is amazing! Carrots. Pumpernickels. Glow sticks. Twins! That's dope, dude. That's so sick. That's crazy. We have that brother connection, too. You ready? Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Pirates! Baby feet! Paper clips! Bananas! Sun! Anger! I don't know! Words! Quicksand! Shoes! Boom! That's hip-hop, man. Awesome. That's great. It's gonna be super fun. All right? Same as last time. Dude, if it's like last time, you're gonna have an awesome time, and it's gonna suck for me. No. You're gonna have an awesome time, too, because I'm gonna make sure of it. You took a b*llet for me. That's right, I did, and it sucked, but I'd do it again. No way. It's my turn. I owe you a life debt. Co-ed bathrooms. What? Oh, shit. I'm not gonna take a shit the entire time I'm here. I know. Hey. How you doing? Hey. What's up? 'Sup? Just exhausted from inventing Facebook or whatever website people our age use. They still have books? I thought they just put the books inside the computers. Yeah, I guess the kids just use the stacks to hide and have sex. So we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and activities, ask around about the drug and find out who the dealer is. Yeah, it's just like last time. Exactly like last time. Dude, in human sexuality, do you get to f*ck or do you just get to watch people f*ck? Neither. What the f*ck am I taking it for, then? Now, obviously, we've all heard this statement before, I've got a first impression for you. Oh, y'all like psychology? Tracy Morgan. Nobody? Work hard, play hard, am I right? You looking for some whyphy? Yeah, man, that'd be sick. Go to the police station, walk in and ask your captain to see the evidence room 'cause you're a f*cking narc. I think you're mistaken. You're literally wearing your badge. Did you really just check to see if you were wearing your badge? This guy's a f*cking cop. I didn't look down. Wait, Professor Jacobs, doesn't history happen a long time ago? Well, history happens... This class is such a gut. Hey, you guys play football? No, this is actually my laptop. Yeah, I'm taking notes right now. I'm kidding. It's a football. Mr. mcquaid? Covalent bonds. What has been the result of the w*r on drugs? Why would you ask me? I'm not a cop. Because this is a college seminar, and that's how college seminars work. Professor gets into a lively conversation with the student. Friction creates fire, and that leads to lessons learned. Well, it's definitely harder to get drugs. I can personally tell you that. The average price of cocaine has dropped 70% in the last 30 years. Then your dealer's probably selling you some pretty stepped-on shit. Mr. mcquaid, college is a wonderful place. This is where you get to decide who you actually are, instead of the person that you're clearly pretending to be right now, which everyone sees through, by the way. You got to decide, do I just keep doing the same thing, or am I gonna choose a different path and question my convictions? I don't have any prior convictions. Why are you saying this stuff? That's exactly the answer I wanted, Mr. mcquaid! I want you to question what I'm saying. This is the basis of this whole course, and that's the beauty of college. You can say whatever you want. You can be whatever you want. I mean, I have tenure. I can really say whatever I want. George Washington was a black lesbian. The Eiffel tower is made of dildos. They can't fire me. I'm indestructible. I'm sleeping with two of my students. Her and her. I actually am. Now, just like you did before, I want you right now to say whatever you want. Say whatever you want. Fieto. Fieto, not a word, but I'm gonna accept it. You can do whatever you want with your life, Mr. mcquaid. The only way you can fail this class is by not becoming who you truly are. Please respond to my text. Okay, we got time for just one more improve game. For this one, we need a ton of different suggestions. So, we just need you guys to fill in the blank in a sentence that we're gonna set up. So it'll go like this. Oh, I'm so hungry, I wish I had a... Tampon! Okay, but we want... We want it to be actual food so that it, like, makes sense with the game. It's more fun that way. So, uh, let's try it one more time. Oh, I've got to get home so I can feed my... Boner! You know what? Let's just play the game, okay? All right, so what would you... Hey, that girl's in my psych class. Damn, she's hot. Go talk to her. You come talk to her with me. Stop being a p*ssy and go talk to her. Go. All right, all right. Coming to the stage, we got... J. Bohnes, aka... Hey. Hi. I think we're in the same psych class. Oh, yeah. Hi. Yeah. Pills! Pills! Bills! Pills! Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes Amanda Bynes drop that raggedy Andy circus circle jerkus... You guys are the improve guys, right? Yeah. That's cool. You're the guy with the terrible suggestions. Yeah, yeah. You're welcome, man. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Um, lady J is gonna be up next for you. Cynthia, that girl who died, she used to come here all the time, right? Mmm. This piece is called areolas. Did you know her? Yeah, she lived across the hall from me. Yeah? So why do you care so much? I'm... I'm writing a... Greedy man hands! ...a slam poem in her honor. Early stages, very early stages. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't it be better just to, like, plan the stuff out ahead of time, and then not say it in front of people and embarrass yourself? That's a thing that people do. That's stand-up comedy. That's probably what you should do, because that stuff's funny. My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation... What do you think of this? I actually think it's really powerful. That's cool that you said that, 'cause I actually thought it was really powerful, too, when the one girl was talking about her nips and shit. Okay, does anybody have anything they want to share? Let's see what you got. Any more poets in the audience? I... I mean, do you really do poetry? I do, and I will. I got somebody. What? Okay, we got somebody. All right, give it up, guys. Yeah! Okay. Just go up there. All right, okay. Okay. No pressure. You'll see, it's good. Yeah! Um... This is a work in progress. So, uh... Slam poetry! Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a lot! Specific point of view on things Cynthia! Cynthia Jesus died for our sin-thee-uhs Jesus cried runaway bride Julia Roberts! Julia rob hurts Cynthia! Cynthia you're dead you are dead You're dead that's for Cynthia, who's dead. Whoo! I don't have a single lead. I do. I hear you can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7. Do you think they mean whyphy the drug or WI-Fi like the Internet? What... f*ck you, brain. How did we find the dealers so easy the first time? Well, his number was literally on a sticker. Well, let's go find this guy's sticker. I don't think this guy does stickers. Well, we need help. We need to consult an expert. Yo, dude, you sh*t him in the dick, dude. I got him in the dick. Yep. sh*t him in the dick. If it isn't Turner and hooch, in the flesh. Holy shit, you are looking fit. Hey, you should get some tips from this guy. He's looking good. Look at those pectoral muscles. That's the kind of definition I want out of you, man. What's up, Eric? Hey. Mr. Walters, we should, um... Or I should apologize for, uh... For sh**ting my penis off? Yeah. Yeah. Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina? It's awesome. You guys want to see it? No, no, no, no! No, no, no. That's fine. All right. Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Isn't that right, Eric? You guys got to get me the f*ck out of here. Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch. No, you're not. Yes! I am! I'm your bitch. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, honey. I didn't mean that. You know that, right? I am such a bitch when aunt Flo shows up. It bleeds so much, it's crazy. It's like the elevator doors opening in the shining. Your vagina doesn't f*cking work, man. Worked for you last night. You are so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship. Eric, am I forcing you into anything? Yes. See? Look, they sent us in undercover at a college to find the dealer of this new synthetic, and no one will tell us anything. That's 'cause you guys look like f*cking narcs, all right? College kids aren't dumb like Eric. I was supposed to go to Berkeley. Well, they gave us a picture, so we do have that. Well, that's your lead, f*ck! That's what you start with. I know, but we can't see his face, so we don't know who it is. We don't know who it is. I'm Schmidt. My pants are filled with doody. That's you. That doesn't sound anything like me. You sort of sound like that. That doesn't sound anything like me. That doesn't sound anything like me. It's not not you. Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking right now. That's Schmidt being a little bitch. That's just not a good impression. Whoa! Nice job, super sleuths. Did you even bother to look at the f*cking picture? Yeah. Huh? There's a reflection right here. Your f*cking guy's got a tattoo. Find the tattoo, find the dealer. f*ck, man, I don't know. I do a lot of stupid tattoos to drunk kids. Do you remember that stupid tattoo? A bazooka? Think I might have did it on a football player. Guy with a red Mohawk. I don't know. They all start to look the same to me. I think I know exactly who he's talking about. f*ck you! f*ck you, you little walk-on f*ck! I can't, like, move around in these things. God, I love walk-on day! f*ck, yeah. That's a weird time to be q-tipping. You're all f*cking pussies! Dude, you don't have to do this. What? I just don't want you to get hurt. I'm not gonna get... Whoops. Shit. Whoa. Dude, I am so sorry. It's all right, man. Don't worry about it, man. Are you sure? All right... Yeah. Ow. Shit. I got it. Okay, I got it, I got it. Ow! That's fine. I'll get it. No, no, let me get it, let me get it. No, I got it. Let me just get it. No, let me get it. I got it, I got it. Let's just... Dude, I'm sorry. I got my q-tip in your meat, bro. No, man, I got my... I got my meat in your q-tip. It's like a whole new type of sandwich. Like, a meat q-tip. Like a meat-qute. That's funny. Hey, you guys want some of this sandwich? It's a meat-qute sandwich. Me and this guy are having a meat-qute. You're hilarious, dude. What's your name? Brad. Wait... Brad. Uh, yeah, yeah, it's Brad. I'm Zook. Nice to meet you. Zook. Nice to meet you, too, man. Blue 20! Blue 20! Set, hut! You love walk-on day now? Your arm all right? You want to take that sleeve off? No, I'm good. Dude, holy shit, bro. Great f*cking catch, dude. If you see that safety line up that deep, though, hit me quicker. Oh, yeah, I didn't know you had wheels like that, bro. It's funny, 'cause he's my brother. So... Um... Hey, uh, you know, we have this rush party at zeta. But I thought, you know, you could come by and meet the guys. It'd be really fun, I think. Great. Yeah, maybe we will. Are you guys, like, together? Yeah. Yeah, this is my bro. That's... Funny, dude. You're funny. Oh. Uh, really? Wow. Um, okay. Yeah, man, sure. You, too, you can come, too. We'll see what we can do. Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier that you didn't acknowledge... Great catch. Cool, yeah. See you then. So you won't address that? What the f*ck's up with that guy? All we have to do now is rush the frat long enough to confirm that rooster has that bazooka tattoo. Look, man, do you think it's cool if you come? 'Cause, I mean, he kind of really just asked me. I just don't want to start off on the wrong foot with this guy. Dude, you're tripping. We do everything together. You should lose the puka shells, though. Things are different since you didn't go to college. Yo, Brad! What's up, dude? Same puka, dude. You got the same... Puka bros. Holy shit! Look at him, it's, like, all the same. Dude, you wear pants, too? What? Bros, man. Dude. I knew we were gonna be connected, just like that. Yeah, why don't you guys just tie your dicks together and get married, right, rooster? Rooster. What's up, bro? You look good, man. What's up, rooster? How you doing, man? Digging the puka. Thanks, dude. I can't believe it's the same... How you doing, rooster? Rooster is getting some pop. Why don't you go check him out? You in the zone, bro? In the f*cking zone, dude. Hey. What's up? What's up? I'm rooster. Oh, yeah, no. We've met before. Oh, really? I don't remember that at all. You must just have a really plain face. Yeah. They call me ol' plain face. They call you that? So, do you have any body art or, like, any ink I could see? That's a pretty random question. Hey, anyway, it was so nice chatting with you, man. Nice to meet you, man. Yo, what the f*ck, bro? Yo, what the f*ck are you doing, dude? You serious right now? You... You're being weird. You've been weird. It was just like, what am I hearing? What am I hearing right now? And the psychic told you that? Yo. That is so crazy, dude. Hey, dude, you want to go see the roof? f*ck yeah, I want to see the roof, dude. Come on, let's go, let's go. Come on. Come on to the roof, come on to the roof. Let's go. Come on, you can do it. Come on, come on, come on! I miss climbing so much. Come on, let's go. Come on. All right, uh... One more time. I'm just gonna go home. I don't know parkour, so... All right. Hey, Maya Angelou! Poetry, okay. I got it. Make fun of the poetry major. So, I guess you have no interest in having a real job in the future. Absolutely not. No, right? What about you? Um, I'm an art major. Okay. So you definitely cannot talk any shit, 'cause... No, I can't. I cannot. ...you're never gonna make any money. I'm never gonna make any money, so don't tell my parents, but... When I talk to your parents tonight, I will not tell them about your major. Okay, thank you. You're welcome. All right, art major. What do you think about that? Um, I would say that it's these two beings leaning up against each other in perfect balance. If one were to fall, they would just lose each other. So it's just about support. You can't admit that it looks exactly like testicles? That's exactly what it looks like. So, is there someone who supports you? No, I'm just one of those people that really likes to spend time with myself. Tell me about it. I love to be alone. I am, like, the best at it. I just love when you're sitting there in a room, and you're just there with your thoughts, and you're like, oh, my gosh, I'm alone. Would anyone ever love me? Or whatever. And, like, do I know anyone who would care if I just ever came out of this room or not? Or whatever and, like... I don't know. It's just peaceful. I just like it. Yeah. Well, if you don't want to be alone tonight, we are gonna go hang out at the art building, if you want to come. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn't expect, but what I didn't expect was tonight would go in the exact way that you would expect. You know what I mean? Totally. So you guys hang out here a lot? Yeah. I mean, we're not into the whole frat party kind of stuff. We like to sit around, just drink some good wine and talk about some important stuff. Banging bitches and getting wasted all f*cking day. Those are, like, two of my favorite things to do. You are, like, a slightly less attractive version of... Picasso? Picasso. Right? I've been told that before. You read my mind. What? Oh, that's Cynthia Watson's room. Oh. It's only 2:00. I thought it was late. Do you want to come in? It's only 2:00? I usually go to dinner at, like, 2:00 A.M., so... Sure, yeah, why not? I'm gonna do it. I just got to get it at the right angle. Dude, stop. Stupid f*cking goalpost! It's impossible. You can't f*cking do it. The fans used to rush the field after every win and tear down the goalposts, and coach hated it. And so he cemented them in. They storm the field, and still do it, but they just bounce around. f*ck this goalpost, bro! You guys might want to hold on, 'cause this shit is coming down. Yo, what is that? The tattoo, what's that right there? Oh. Oh, this? Mmm-hmm. It's my old high school team. The plainview red herrings. Look at it swim. Shit. What? Shit, that's a really outside-of-the-box high school mascot. Hold on, guys. Hey, why don't you come to practice today? I mean, you're obviously good enough to play on the team. Look, I'm not supposed to be here to play football. What? I'm just here to do my assignments and get out, that's it. I mean, yeah, school's important or whatever, but when I was throwing you those passes, it was like I knew where you were gonna be before you went there. You know, I had this, like, vision of me throwing b*llet tds to you, dude, and then all these fans just started going, like... Zook! Mcquaid! Zook! Mcquaid! And they were chanting and chanting, and then the goalposts came down. Dude? I have had that exact vision, like, my entire life. Dude. Dude. Bro? Bro. Dude. Bro. Dude. Like, well, we f*cking can, bro. All you gotta do is join the team. Yeah. Why not? Yes! f*ck yeah, dude. f*ck yeah, dude. What's that? My tattoo. Yeah, f*ck, look. Look, it's me, Zook. Got a f*cking bazooka for an arm. Know what I mean? Dude, I'm so f*cking pumped you're gonna be on this f*cking team, bro. Yep. What's up with it? How you doing? Hi. Good. How was the, um... How was the sex for you? It was fun for me. It was a good time. Yeah, right. I enjoyed it. Yeah. This is why I don't drink. Oh. Hey. How you doing? I'm fine. I mean, I'm not listening to you guys fornicate all night long. Thrusting and pumping. Okay. I thought your hip popped out at one point. I'm just saying, it's, like, all fun and games, and then you wake up in bed next to a 40-year-old freshman. I'm 19, so... Nineteen minutes late to pinochle, where you're meeting your old friends in the park? Yeah, that's what I meant. Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him. He's still so sharp. That's so inspiring. Tell us about the w*r, any one of them. You're, like, the loudest climaxer I've ever heard. It was, like, the sound of, like, a 30-year-old sprinkler finally going off for the first time. Okay, well, so lovely talking with you. You're a lovely person. Hmm. Nice to meet you. Oh, my God. She seems nice. She's horrible. God. She was Cynthia's roommate, and I felt bad for her, so I told her I would room with her. So... So you probably have a bunch of stuff that you have to do today. Right? No. Oh. Okay. Look, I just want you to know I'm not, like, a hit it and quit it type of fella. I'm, like, a hit it, continue to hit it both physically and emotionally kind of guy, so... Hey, Doug, you're not gonna be weird about this, are you? No. I mean, you're cool with just hooking up? Yeah. I mean, no. I mean, I'm glad you said something. 'Cause I don't even know if I like you when I'm sober. No, I know, and it's like, that doesn't even hurt, like, at all. Okay, so, um... I'm gonna... I'm gonna split. I'll text you later. Great, that was great sex. You're good at it. And I'll text you, three to five minutes or something? All right. What the f*ck is this? This is bullshit. Are you two f*cking around at school again? Hey, we got to pay for this shit. We need results! No, no, no. Look, we are looking aggressively for this very specific tattoo. Or the tattoo could just be a dead end. What the f*ck? It's the same case! Do the same thing. Well, it's not exactly the same case, 'cause one of us got laid last night. Schmidt? Shh. Don't wake up my dick. Flew in on the red-eye, hasn't gotten a wink of sleep. Damn. We're talking missionary. We're talking missionary. We're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back. She's smart, she's an art major. She can't be that smart. She's a f*cking art major. Come on. I will give you some daps, Schmidt. Give me some f*ck daps, man! Come on, give me some. Give me some. Come on! My human sexuality class is blowing my mind. Did you know I used gay slurs in high school? Yes, directed at me. Dude, I am so sorry for being a homophone. Are we gonna talk about how weird you were today with Dickson? Look, I don't think the tattoo means what you think it means. I mean, for all we know, a lot of people could have that tattoo. This tattoo? This absurdly specific tattoo? Name one other person who has this. For starters, Zook has it. Zook has the tattoo? What the f*ck? We've been looking for this tattoo for days! Do you understand this means Zook is the dealer? I really want you guys to hang out. We have hung out. He's completely ignored me. I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to investigate your new bff. We're gonna put cameras everywhere, and we're gonna monitor the f*ck out of what he's doing. We can't just walk into zeta house and just put up a bunch of f*cking cameras, okay? There's dudes there everywhere. All right, your plan is stupid. I'm sorry. My plan is stupid? That's interesting. What... okay. I'm, like, basically done f*cking watching your shit all the f*cking time. Okay, yeah, exactly. I'm the f*cking stupid one. Yeah. Oh, that's really f*cking stupid. Man, it must be hard being so different. We're exactly the same. It makes everything so much easier. Guys, can you just give us some space? We're really trying to figure something out, and we need to focus, okay? You're not gonna have trouble focusing, man. Yeah, man, those krispie treats got mad whyphy in them. We made a batch for the whole dorm, man. I've eaten six of these. Then you're gonna be real focused. Be real focused. In about four hours, you're gonna be tripping. You're fine. You're gonna be all right, man. Who sold you whyphy? Nobody sold it to us. Yeah, man, Cynthia gave us a butt load, and in exchange, we wrote her logic paper for her. All right. All right, man, we'll see you guys later. Enjoy the food. Maybe this is a good thing. Let's use that focus to figure out a way to get into zook's house. You feel anything? No. Do you feel anything? No, but I have a super high tolerance for... I'm so focused. I'm so focused, too. You don't have to be on top of me. Yes, I do. Why? Camouflage. Go. Let's go. No f*cking way. Okay, so no? Dane? All right. Out, all right. Bull's-eye. Bingo. That helmet looks kind of lame. You know what's not lame? Safety. What are you doing? I'm cutting glass. It's a laser pointer. It can't cut glass. What? That's no fun at all. I'm so focused. Let's do this. I'm so focused. Let's do this. Give me another. I don't have any more cameras. You don't need to drill so many holes. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that one's perfect. Okay, you can do that one. I don't have any more cameras. I've said it five times. All right. Okay. That's the last of 'em. Time to prove that zook's the dealer. Or not the dealer. Next up is Brad mcquaid. Right? Yes. Yes! Obviously, right? I mean, the guy's... The guy's all-time. You guys, let's be honest. I mean, like, he was opening up beer cans with his eyeballs. That's so sweet of them. So Brad... Brad's in. Uh, Doug mcquaid. No! He's a bag of dicks! He's Brad's brother. He follows him around everywhere, so I doubt we get Brad without Doug. That's not true. I have a serious girlfriend. I got a bad feeling about this guy, dude. Why? Why? I was talking to him for a second. He's got a big mouth, okay? I feel like he could f*ck this whole thing up for us. See, you're f*cking this up. You talk way too much. That guy is harmless, dude. Look at him, he's nice. He looks like a 30-year-old eighth grader. He's gonna be fine. I'm just saying, the kid sucks. Okay, and Brad. Brad could be, like, our guy. He could, like, be a part of our thing. Our thing? Yeah. Shh. I'm trying to hear them be nice about me. This is f*cking bullshit. Shit! Shit. Is somebody up there? Shit. We got to get out of here. Did you lock the door? I did, man. I checked twice. Go, go! I'm so focused, dude. Shit. No, you're just paranoid because we're about to trip balls. No, I'm paranoid because it could be dangerous. No, we're fine. Look, we made it. We made it. It's all good. Oh, shit! Help! Help! What's happening! What the f*ck? I can't breathe. They made us! They're gonna k*ll us! Jenko! Where are you going? Oh, f*ck! I'm having a bad trip! We're having a bad trip! I think we are tripping, but... God, isn't this great? My side's so much scarier than yours. Oh, shit, your trip sucks. You should come over here. It's way better. Okay. It's some kind of weird split screen! Hello, football. Jenko! Jenko! I finally got my lambo! Hey, Schmidt, look! Look! Look! My legs are tired. Help! No more music! You'll always be alone. Hey, jenko. What? Where are you going? I'm just gonna go up for a little while, okay? Stay, stay here. No, I don't want to stay here. I'm flying. This is amazing. No. God. Don't go! Oh, my God. No! Stay here! No, no, stop it. You're dragging me down! Why would you drag me down? Please stay! I'm flying. Stay! Wake up! Get out of the car! Shit. Get out of the car! Get on the ground! On your f*cking knees! Get on your knees! You already know, don't you? What? Do you have anything to say? Please don't k*ll us. If you don't have anything to f*cking say, open your f*cking mouth. What the f*ck? Is that vodka? Welcome to zeta, pledges! Yeah, buddy! Pledges, tonight, we separate the weak from the strong. If you don't make it through tonight, you're dead to all of us. Rooster, light the torch! For zeta! Drink, f*ck! Drink, f*ck! Drink, f*ck! Drink, f*ck! Look, whatever happens tonight, you have to keep up, okay? I'm gonna throw up. I know. Shut up. Go. Ready? Go! Here we go, here we go. One, two, three, four, five... I can't do it anymore! I can't do it anymore! Twenty's the record! Thirty-three, 34... ...67... You can do this, you can do this. I can't. This is disgusting. No, you got to. I can't do this anymore! And now, for my favorite event. f*ck this. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing it. What are... no! I'm not doing this, okay? All right? Hey! Schmidt! What the f*ck, man? What is your problem? You said you wanted to stick together. This is what we have to do to win their trust. This is supposed to be fun. It's just drinking and bonding games. It's fun. It's fun for you. It's not fun for me. I don't know. Maybe we should just... Maybe we should just investigate different people. Did you really just say that? Did you really just say that you want to investigate other people? That's what you want? I don't know, maybe. Maybe we should just... We should just branch out. Okay, just sow our oats a little. Sow our cop oats. Look, I have an in with Zook. We have a thing and it's good, and... I don't know, maybe I should just stay closer to him. And you should do your thing with your connections and channels with Cynthia's roommate. You should see if she knows who sold her drugs. I just... I just don't... I don't like the idea of us doing stuff separately. No, look, we can still investigate together. It's just, you know, now it'll be an open thing. You want an open investigation? I don't know if that's what I want. All right? I just think it's healthy right now for us to try it. Okay. Yeah? Sure. Okay, so I guess I'll just catch you later, then. You okay? No, you can't hug me right now. Do you need money for a cab or anything? No, I don't need money for a cab. Okay. I don't know where the f*ck I am right now. Hey, Lauren. I just want to get in bed and watch friends all day. Let's hear it for your metropolitan city state statesmen! And the statesmen take the field for the opening game against the university of college generals. Ready? And a surprise start today for walk-on freshman Brad mcquaid. Looks pretty old to be a freshman. It's the hormones in the milk, Bob. Ready? Set, hut! Haythe drops back. And connects with mcquaid! Who b*at safety will glock like an egg white in my famous meringue recipe. Holy shit, he's good. None of you tell mcquaid that he's good, all right? If you do, he'll leave this shitty program. And as the clock ticks down, we've got time for one last play. Another perfect hookup between haythe and mcquaid. Even their end zone celebration is in perfect sync. It's like these two share a single brain, Bob. That's right, Jim. They both have one half a brain. And the crowd rushes the field to try and knock down a goalpost. It's not coming down! Good luck, guys. Looks like mc state's got a new power couple. Zook and mcquaid! I got to get around you, man. I can't jump up. I got a broken ankle. Yeah! f*ck yes! Yeah! One more! Shit. Who is that? Nothing. All right, ready? Come on! Focus! Come on! Do it! f*ck you, Arnold Schwarzenegger! I'm so jammed! f*ck you! There's a sock on the door! Don't come in! f*ck, yeah! I'm having sex with a human woman. My God! f*ck! Hey! Look at you! What are you guys doing here? What? Are you kidding? It's parents weekend. f*ck. Wonderful. You're dating someone. Thanks, mom. Listen, we're undercover, okay? Thank you. No problem. Doug! Maya! Hey. Hi. These are my parents. So this is the girl? Hi. I'm Annie. I'm your new mother-in-law. Nice to meet you. Worst thing to say. Hi. Hey. David. My dad. Nice to meet you. Well, my parents are here, too. Maya, hurry up! Your mama done found a table she want. (Doug and Dickson notice each other) How do you know this person? Dad, this is Doug, a guy that I'm dating. The f*ck? I... How's your classes going, Doug? You... we were just in the neighborhood, and... I have an idea. Why don't we all sit together? Would that be fun? Yes, thank you. So... Do you like weather? You two know each other? No. This is crazy, all these, uh, students and parents. Potential witnesses. How did you two meet? Oh, I love meet-cute stories. We met at a poetry slam, and then he stalked me back to my dorm room. Stalked her? Oh, that's so beautiful. Then what happened? And then we hung out and we watched a movie. Actually, we watched it a couple times. This is bullshit! This f*cking... waiter! What can a black man do to get some water around here? Give the f*cking guy some water! He's black! He's been through a lot! For the sake of your daughter, please keep it together. I'm gonna need a f*ck crepe before I go crazy. I'll be right back. So, where are you from originally? I'm straight outta Compton, but my husband's from northridge. Come on, man, hook me up. What the f*ck y'all doing? Y'all rationing around here? Come on, hook me up. Two little f*cking string beans? Give me the g*dd*mn string beans. I want some f*cking deviled eggs. I like fruit. Don't you like fruit? I like fruit. But this pork shit? Got to go! He's really taking it out on the omelet bar. Shit was nasty! He's under a lot of pressure at work. What's up, playa? Want to go to the movies? I'll break your f*ck legs! Break your legs! What? How you doing, Mr. nice plant? Get your f*cking ass in there. Hey, you want another beer? I'm gonna get another beer. Yeah, yeah, I'll do another. Hey, look, man, you know you can always tell me something if you want to get it off your chest. You know I'm always here for you, right? What are you trying to say? No, nothing. All right, with everything that happened with Cynthia and whyphy, I just don't want you to screw up. You don't think I know what I'm doing? What? I know exactly what I'm doing here. I'm gonna tell you something, all right? Can I trust you? Yeah, of course. I have a friend who knows a guy at umc. He's a scout. It's d-I. Their qb, he's not playing well. They're not happy with the situation. They want me to make a tape. And I want you to be on it with me. Nothing else? They had five guys in the draft last year. I mean, Brad, this could be our sh*t. We're like the dynamic duo, bro. We're like Batman and Robin. But we're both Batman. What do you want to be, like, a stockbroker? Or a cop? Dude, your ceiling is, like, so high. You can just bust right... Just break right through it. Right through it. Right through it. Right through it. You really think I could make it at umc? Dude, you could make it into the hall of fame. No, dude, come on, that's you. You're gonna be in, like, the anals of football history. Dude, you could make it into the anals of football history, too. We're gonna have to tear those anals up. All right. We're gonna f*cking tear it up. I mean, it's just a tape, right? I f*cking hate my dad so much. Do you have any idea what it's like to have a guy like that telling you what to do all the time? I can only imagine. I just don't understand what his problem is with you specifically. I don't... Jesus. That makes no sense to me. I mean, you are a perfectly good guy. You're very honest and nice. Why does my dad have your phone number? I don't know. Maybe the school directory or something. Let's do something... Let's do something that would distract us. Okay. So we don't have to think about him anymore. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm. All right. Um... Maya. Is it okay if we just talk? Okay. Let's talk. No way. Yeah. I was Peter Pan, but then I was, like, late. You're really close with your brother, then. It seems like. Yeah. Yeah, you know... You're a f*cking genius, dude. Are you sure it's not too much, though? No! Yeah! f*ck, yeah! All right? All right? Yeah. Yeah. All night, bro. Come on. All night. Yeah, I know. It's gonna be so worth it, dude. It's gonna be f*cking worth it, I promise, all right? Dude, you know what this needs? Another star wipe. Jinx. Buy me a beer. Nice twist. On what? I can't believe we've been talking all night. Oh, my God, it's 8:00. I have class, actually. Okay. I... Yeah, you can help yourself to whatever you need, and... All right. Yeah, I'm so sorry, this... I'll see you. I'll see you later. Okay. Best night ever. Okay. Bye. Bye. How long have you been there? Like, the longest amount of time you could think of right now. This stuff wasn't meant for you. It was meant to be private. So, am I supposed to just sit here and not act like I hear every one of your problems? You got 99 problems, but being young isn't one. You're just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection. I'm pretty close with my grandpa, too. You're more messed up than Cynthia was, and she went to the school shrink three times a week. Why? I don't know. But he gave her a ton of pills and shit. Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face. Okay. Hey. You're late. No, actually, I was busy with the investigation. This is Cynthia's therapist's office. This is our investigation. All right. Watch the door. Oh, is that all I'm good for? Just watching a f*cking door? Got it. Patient exhibits drug-induced paranoia. Believes her life is in danger. Uh, door, door. Hey. I wasn't told that I had a 9:00 A.M. session. Yeah, no, we're your 9:00 A.M. that's us. And we're cured. Thank you very much. You're an amazing doctor. Please. You think you're the first partners only to try to run when you're first faced with talking with me? How the f*ck did you know we were partners? He doesn't know we're partners. I suspect you're partners. A relationship is something that requires constant work. Which is what I thought we learned in high school. So you are high school sweethearts. I picked up on that early. Please, continue the dialogue. Doc. I just feel like sometimes he's not even trying anymore. Like this isn't even worth saving. Oh, okay. Well, sometimes I feel like that we should be more like the yangs. Or maybe I should be more like your beautiful zook. Oh, go f*ck yourself! You go f*ck yourself. Okay. You're so selfish. All right. That's a lot of f*cking. Oh, my God. Sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact. Why don't you hold hands? Okay. I'm not doing that. Hmm? Do you see? Reach out your hand. I'm... He's literally reaching out for you. He won't hold my hand. I'm not doing it. I kind of need you to do it. He won't hold my hand. Oh, you... You got to interlock it, though. If you don't interlock it, it's not hand-holding. Fine. We might as well just be friends and not partners. Nice, right? Okay, you see this? This is strong. What I want to be able to have is this. Is this... I want to be able to have that, that same thing, in, like without actually having to do it. Are you embarrassed of your partner? No, not at all. Okay? And why the f*ck are you guys ganging up on me? Gang up on him. Okay, seriously. Okay, okay. He's clingy. He literally is terrified of being by himself. Look, I know zook's your buddy and you don't want him to be guilty, but he's our guy. No, he's actually not our guy. I would know. Now, you know, we sometimes cling to things because they're familiar and comfortable. I teach about a principle called embedding. Look at the facts. Matter of fact, I... Zook has the tattoo. He knew Cynthia. I know the first time he met you, you dropped a f*cking sandwich on his foot and he smiled at you, but you are completely blind to the fact... What'd you say embedding was? Embedding? Oh, embedding is our tendency to latch on to the first bit of information that we're offered and overlooking, or even ignoring, contradictory information. It's a fascinating principle... Shut up. I'm thinking. You think it's possible that we embedded? What, like when we were drunk or something? We embedded each other? Okay. I'm gonna recommend... Okay, you can leave the room. Just get the f*ck out. Get the f*ck out. You heard him. This took a turn. One, two... Okay. Yep. Good session. The first time we saw the photo of Cynthia buying whyphy, dickson said, this guy's the dealer. Everything we've done and thought has been based on that fact, but what if dickson was wrong? And we've ignored all the other clues. What if Cynthia wasn't the buyer? What if Cynthia was the dealer? Captain, we have something really, really important to tell you about. Captain? Are you wearing kevlar? Now, gentlemen, we're not gonna sit here and pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room. What the f*ck is going on? This is what the f*ck is going on. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! No! That is not happening right now! No! Hey, y'all, he's f*cking the captain's daughter! Yo! Every time he say that shit... Oh, my f*ck! ...that's another foot in your ass. Schmidt, you clearly... Yo, this is the best thing ever! Schmidt f*cked the captain's daughter! Schmidt f*cked the captain's daughter! Schmidt f*cked the captain's daughter! Shit! f*ck! You f*cked captain dickson's daughter? Captain, what the... You bragged to him to his face. To his actual face. Captain... Do you understand that this face right here, you bragged to that face? You actually high-fived schmidt for f*cking your daughter. Holy shit! Oh, my God! This is... It's really not that funny. I just want to say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to mc state. I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your f*ck nuts off. What if captain gets to punch you in the face one time, really, really, really hard? Nah. I got something way better than that. You think Cynthia was the dealer? How the f*ck we gonna infiltrate the dealer if the dealer is dead? We have to stop treating this like it's exactly the same as last time. And we got a bigger problem. No more money in the budget. What? I thought we had Cate blanchett. Cate blanchett? Yeah, I thought we had Cate blanchett with the budget. You mean carte blanche. That one. Welcome back, dum-dum. We did have carte blanche. Not no more. You got that expensive chase in the beginning, that expensive equipment, this f*cking office... This look like some shit iron man would have. Shit's expensive! I got on $800 shoes, and you can't even see the f*ck. So now you two f*ck is in the crosshairs. I'm warning you, find the supplier, but don't cost the department no more money. Look, I apologize about the zook thing. You were right, he's not the dealer. Okay, great. You apologized. What's that worth, man? Now we have no leads. What are we supposed to do now? Police work. f*ck. Don't throw a f*cking dead person's dildo at me. We're at work right now, okay? Kids don't check out books anymore, right? I don't even think they know how to read. Library. Book place. Library. The supplier is putting drugs inside the books in the library, where literally no one goes anymore, man. And the dealers check out the books. We're going to catch the supplier. Do you realize how cool... Wait, one sec, one sec. What's up, dude? Hey, dude, where are you? We're warming up. The game's about to start. All right, man. Um, look, I'm just gonna... I'm coming. All right, later. What are you doing? Don't leave me hanging. Dude, I got to go or I'm gonna blow my cover, okay? You can do this alone. I'll be back in two hours. You got this. You scared me. State name! Number! State name! Number! Color! Color! Number! This is the place. You'd think if somebody wants to show us their operation, they'd at least be on time. Look at this crap. Huh? I do miss the days... Shit. What's he doing here? ...When people did normal drugs. What is this? Jelly beans? Crap! Set, hut! Mcquaid crosses in an end-around. It's a trick play! These two are practically interchangeable. Mcquaid throws down the field to haythe. And he hangs on for the touchdown! These two are peas in a pod, Bob, but instead of little green balls, they are human football players. Let's hear it once again, mc state, for your dynamic duo. Oh, shit. My brother needs me again. Look, you know, loyalty's cool, and I admire it, and I know he's your brother. But you can't allow yourself to be held down by a guy just because he won't let go. Yeah. Um... I gotta take a piss. The kid's pretty rude to make us wait like this. Can you shut it? What's wrong with those classic drugs from the '90s? Heroin, you know, cocaine... Hey, hey. Whoa. Shit. I'm f*cking here. You happy? Shh! The ghost is right there, okay? He's about to meet up with the supplier. Hey. Check that out. You shush. You're the one f*cking talking. You're being so f*cking loud. You shut the f*ck up. What's going on here? Shit! Um... You're interrupting a really stellar blow job. Oh, f*ck, I just came so hard! What the hell is going on? It's okay. It's just a couple of f*g. Hey, yo, what the f*ck did you just say? Did you just call us f*g? He said you were sucking his dick. It's 2014, assh*le. You can't f*cking use f*g. Gay is okay. Homosexual, maybe. And if you know the person, you might be able to call them a q*eer. If they have a great sense of humor, but I don't. I'm sorry, he took one human sexuality class, he thinks he's Harvey milk. Oh, my God. Will you please, just for once, just back me up? Why can't you just use your head for once? Oh. You want me to use my head? Fine. Oh, yeah, what's up now, f*ck? You remember me? I'm your best night... I'm your worst nightmare. Oh, man, it's my memory. It's getting worse lately. Are you the police? Yeah, that's right. And you f*ck are all under arrest. Where's your g*n? What? Do you have g*n? No. No, I don't. 'Cause we have g*n. Well, why don't you put your g*n down, and let's fight like men? Because we have g*n. Schmidt, run! Get him! Go! Go, go. Go! Shit! How hard can it be? sh**t them! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! sh**t them! sh**t them! Come on, this way, it's faster. No, just come this... Schmidt! Schmidt! Hurry up, okay? Schmidt, will you hurry up! Stop yelling at me! You're distracting me! Schmidt, come on! Let's go! I can't jump down! I'm not, like, f*cking spider-man! I'm gonna get the car. Stairs are so much faster. That's the car you got? I'm sorry it's not a f*cking lambo. Shut up and get in. Are they even still chasing us? Yes, they're still chasing us! Why did you do that? We were about to catch the supplier. What's wrong with you? Look, if you don't say something, people will never stop discriminating. Will you please do something about how slow this thing's going? Oh, shit! Watch out, watch out! That is just like a little helmet machine. We can't destroy any more stuff! We can't waste any more of the department's money! Watch out for that cash machine! Whoo! Which way? Which way? Which way? Whichever way's cheaper! Right? You went right? You could've gone in a parking lot, you went to the sculpture garden? Do you know how expensive that's gonna be? Shit! It's like they're trying to hit 'em or something. I mean, it looks cool, but, I mean, it's just so wasteful. They're destroying everything! Captain's gonna k*ll us! What are we gonna do? All right, we're gonna lose 'em in the robotics lab. What? Oh, no! Oh, we broke everything! There was a lot of expensive stuff in there! Oh, shit! They're going into the stadium! Listen, schmidt, I gotta tell you something. I got offered a scholarship to play football here next year. And zook said I could room with him, you know, so I was thinking that I could do that, maybe. What? You can't be a cop and stay here and play football with zook. No, look, I know, okay? It's just... There's no friction with me and zook. We're the same. Do you want out? If you want out, just say it. No, I don't want out, okay? It's just, when I'm on the football field and I'm diving for a pass, I feel like I can fly. All right? And when I'm with you, it just feels like you hold me down. I just wish you could fly with me. And the statesmen win, 34-14. And there go the fans onto the field. Jenko! Jesus Christ! Dude, the brakes are out. What? Get the f*ck out of the way! You gotta jump. You gotta jump, jump, jump! No. f*ck! Let's go, boss. We gotta go. You did it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You're under arrest, sir. Hey, I'm an officer, all right? Just take me in. I'll explain later. No, no, no. Hey, he's a student. He didn't do anything. Wait, wait. What are you doing? What are you doing? I, um... I decided for you. Just stick with football. I can't give you the same feeling that these guys can. Maybe we were only supposed to do this once. What? Dude, this is the f*cking best moment of my life! Let's go, man! Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Hey, Maya angelou. Thanks for lying to me. Aw. Lam-bros! Yes! Brad mcquaid! Brad mcquaid! Brad mcquaid! Brad... How are we doing tonight, sir? Good, thanks. Are we waiting on anybody or you dining alone? Someone may swing by, but we can... We can order without them. We have identified and arrested one Dr. Karl Murphy, who was found with whyphy residue throughout his office... ...and had a close personal relationship with the deceased. Exactly like a case we had recently at a high school. Exactly the same. The case is closed. You know, like, what you're gonna do after you're out of here? You're not supposed to throw rocks. What? You're not supposed to throw rocks. The lobster for one person. Enough for one person only. I found something in this whyphy case that caught my attention. Get the f*ck out of my office. Sir, you don't... We caught the guy. Yeah! Yeah! Hey, you want to do anything else other than work out today? Like what? Come on, dude. They're just lobsters, dude. Come on. No, don't be afraid. It's gonna claw your face. It's gonna claw your face. It's gonna be like this, dude, for the rest of our lives. Hey. Hey. What are you doing here? Just came to see how you are. I'm doing f*cking great. I'm the happiest I've ever been, so I'm just having a great time with myself. I'm glad you're having a good time with yourself. I'm a solo artist now, like Beyonce. I used to have the other destiny's children, but now I'm just, uh, a lone superstar. Happy for you. Just a light-skinned princess with a dream and an amazing voice. That's great. How are you? I'm pretty great. I just chill and... You know how chill zook is. Zook's such a chill guy. Just like ice. That makes me so happy for you. So, look, I just wanted to say that, like, I was thinking about the case, and I was worried that they got the wrong guy for it. I don't think he's the guy, either. Yeah? I looked into the ghost's background, and I saw that he pays tuition for a student at mc state. You think the ghost could be the supplier's dad? Maybe. Okay, that's a pretty good piece of information. Thank you. Well, I heard whyphy's coming back in a big way. Someone's bringing a shit-ton of that stuff down to puerto, Mexico, for spring break. And if that happens, whyphy is going viral. It's gonna be at every college in the country. I think my information was stronger. Look, if you... If you want to, we could go down there. Like together? We don't have to put a label on it. Just, like, one-time. One-time thing. No big commitment or stress to each other. What about school and football and your wonderful new life? I have time off. I'm on spring break. Cool tingling. Got room for one of these babies. A grenade. Why you gonna put it there? That's just unsanitary. Feels right. Missed a spot. You know this is just a one-time thing, right? I know. So you're not gonna be weird about this? Okay. Perfect. Spring break, f*ck. Did you not see that I was going first? Excuse you. Excuse you. You want to go first? Spring break, f*ck! Hey. My gosh! I'm sweaty. You guys are actually eating stuff in here? That's so crazy. Come on, man, put your dick away. Put your f*cking dick away. Upstairs, upstairs. Let's go. Okay, so here's the plan. We're gonna get all these kids at spring break hooked on whyphy. Then you're gonna bring it back to your turf, and you're gonna sell the shit out of it. Sell shit out of it. Do you see that? And if you rat me out, I framed my psych prof just for giving me a b-minus. He's in jail now, so don't f*ck with me. We're gonna build a nationwide network. What? What the f*ck are you doing? Be quiet. Why don't you sell those old classic drugs from the '90s, like cocaine, heroin and... Dad, those are, like, old-people drugs. That's, like, what they did on the golden girls. Like, blanche did heroin. All right, I'll just sit here and be silent. Blanche never did heroin. Okay, so, yangs, you'll take my dead roommate's spot. Cool. Dope. Are you kidding me, yangs? Are you f*cking high? Of course. Yeah, I am. Jesus Christ, have you ever heard of, don't get high on your own supply? We didn't. Nah. I didn't do that. Yeah, I used his and he used mine. Okay, well, now I have to make a f*cking example out of you. That's a g*n. Yeah. Who first? You want to go first? I don't want to die. You die... I don't want to die. You want to do rock paper scissors? Rock paper scissors? That's how we'll do it. That's how we'll do it. f*ck. f*ck. f*ck. Yeah, we won't figure this out. I'll sh**t both of you. Darling. If you're going into the family business, you will have to have a clean record. That's why we have these guys to do it for us. Oh, f*ck. Jinx. We got to move right now. Buy me a coke in heaven. Jinx again. Put your g*n down! f*cking g*n down! Doug? My name's not Doug, it's schmidt. And guess what, we're cops. Boom. Oh, my God. Yeah, everybody knows. Really? You guys look like the stars of a cop show called Hawaiian dads. All right, enough is enough. Boys, move in! Oh, do we have company? Yeah! Drop your g*n. Drop yours first. We have way more g*n than you. Drop your f*cking g*n. Okay, that's a good point. Wow. I mean, was this really your entire plan? Coming in here with no backup? Or maybe we had a far more elaborate plan. Mmm-hmm. Maybe my partner has a tracking device in his pocket right now. May... what? You had the f*cking tracking device. I don't have it. That's the one f*cking thing you were supposed to remember. You're the smart person. You do the tracking device shit. That's your domain. I do the physical shit. You know what, I may drag you down sometimes, but every possible time you can do something dumb, you do the dumbest possible thing. No, the f*cking dumbest possible thing is letting two cops blah-blah-blah while other cops are getting in position to bust their shit in. Oh, so you mean I brought the tracking device. Yeah. What's up now, huh? That seemed like such a real argument. That's improv, bitch. Move! Spring break yourself, fool. We sh**t dicks off here in jump street. We're here, as well. We jump street, and we about to jump in yo' ass. Right in the crack. Don't do it, leatherface. He's got the drugs! This is so boring. No one's getting sh*t. Oh, my God. Did you just get sh*t, like, right after I f*cking said that? Can I have your g*n? It's bigger. Stop! I'll sh**t you in the ass! Dad! Maya? What are you doing here? This is a sh**t. You know what happens in a sh**t. They always kidnap the girl. Not always. Mercedes? You're coming with me. Bitch, please. I ain't going nowhere with you. Now. Dad, what do I do? Is that my bathing suit? Just ask. It's polite. You sh*t me in my foot! Wait! Move! Move faster now! I'm taking my time. Shit, you sh*t me in my g*dd*mn foot. Doug? Doug! Maya! Mercedes just took my dad that way! Okay, we're on it. If I die, I'm gonna k*ll both of you f*ck! f*ck. How are we gonna catch him now? Lambo. Policia! Policia! f*ck off. Shit, there's ghost! What? What do we do? Uh, we need to split up. Are you okay with that? Yeah, I can do it. Are you sure? I need to drive, 'cause you're faster on foot. What? I don't get to drive the lambo? No, you don't. Come on, let's go! But I want... Who gives a shit about the lambo? Just go! Let go of the f*cking keys! I can't let 'em go. You're gonna have to take 'em. Take care of her, okay? It'll be glorious, I promise. How do you drive this thing? You got to let her drive you, bro. I can't get in. Hey! Look where you're going! It's so confusing! Easy, bitch. My hands are hurting. Whoa! You know who's behind us in that car? That's one of the best drivers that we got. f*ck! Oh, shit. f*cking complicated. What is this? Holy shit! You f*cked up me driving a lamborghini, you dick! f*ck you, doves! Puerto, Mexico, let's hear you get crazy! It's like a Batmobile. Come on, schmidt! Old man coming through! Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Brad! Spring break! Look, I can't, all right? Dude, I got to go. I got to go. This is quite enough. You need to let me go and drop all this. Get out of the way! Tokyo drift! That was way too fast and pretty... Way too... A little bit too furious. Schmidt! Get over here! I'm handcuffed! Give it up, assh*le! And nice parking job! f*ck! I'll be right back. I gotta go. I'll be right back. Sorry. That's a direct order, f*ck! Come over here! You are so old and weak! Drop the f*cking g*n! Seriously! Get your wrinkly hands off me! Where the hell have you been? Looking for you. I've been running like crazy! Hey! Hey. Want to fight like a man? Then you better fight like two men. Hey. Hey. Really? More twins? Get up, old man river! Come on! Hey. Get up and hit me, you f*cking p*ssy! I'm not gonna fight a girl, so just stop! It shouldn't matter. If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman, you would hit me and not feel bad about it. Okay. Bring it! I'm ready. It's on now, dawg. Girl fight. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. Is there bl*od in my eye? Oh, my God. Are you all right? I think there's bl*od in my eye. f*cking learn how to hit! That's a little better! That's a little better, f*ck! Come on! Come on! No! No! What? What were you doing? What am I doing? Why'd you try to kiss me? I didn't f*cking try and kiss you! Yes, you did. Ooh, you're so weird! You're f*cking Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing me. I'm not Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing you. This wasn't a sexy fight. Oh, like you haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time. I never once wanted to kiss you! Never! No! You just did it again! Stop it! Stop! You're making a face that is sexy! I don't even want to kiss you! Then stop trying! You keep trying! I've never tried to kiss you. You gave me kiss me eyes. No, I didn't. The eyes were I just got punched in the face eyes. They weren't kiss me eyes. I don't even like you! Neither do I, so stop kissing me! Okay! No! You're leaning in again! I didn't know if we were gonna punch or kiss! You're making this so uncomfortable. This is the most uncomfortable fistfight I've ever been in. I'm gonna give you an out by punching you in the face. Okay? Okay. And then we're gonna go back to fighting and we'll pretend this never happened, 'cause I feel so awkward. I want to see you get crazy! Whoo! I f*cking hate spring break! f*ck! Ow! Are you kidding me? It's plastic. Doesn't even hurt! Okay... This isn't the spring break you imagined? How about this? You want a little fun? What is that? Get wet, baby! So much lube in my face! Oh. Lube on my face. You're so violent! Get off me unless you're gonna f*ck me! I'm not gonna f*ck you! Are we gonna f*ck? No, we're not! Is that what's happening? No! I'm not gonna f*ck you, ever! Get off! Hey! Hey! What? What are you gonna do? Choke me with your liver-spotted hands? You gonna push me over with your Walker? I'm impressed you caught up to me. You probably haven't run that fast since you played stickball in the field behind old pop wiggleby's sweet shop. Freeze, bitch. Oh, thank God. Look who got off the f*ck leash. Now who's the damsel in distress? f*ck! Well, I guess it's him. I don't have a clean sh*t, schmidt. Then don't take the sh*t! Maybe I want to take a dirty sh*t. Kind of like the dirty sh*t you took on my daughter. I didn't take a dirty sh*t on your daughter, okay? We talked a lot, and we care about each other. All the good qualities you have, I can feel inside of Maya. I'm gonna take the sh*t. Don't take the sh*t. I can sh**t right through your shoulder, hit the bitch right in the chest. Don't take the sh*t. I'm taking the sh*t. I'll take the f*cking sh*t. Nobody take the sh*t before me. How about we take it at the same time? No one take a sh*t. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Shit! You have the right to remain silent... No, no, no, I got this. You go handle the ghost. He's on the roof. I'm on it. I got it. What you looking at? Oh! Good job on the cuffs, baby girl. So many f*cking stairs. It's me! It's me! Shit. You made it, dude. Did you get Mercedes? Yeah. All by myself. Really? Mainly by myself. Okay. And, dude, you were right, that lambo... Just can't hear that right now. It's a shitty-made car. It's not good. Hey, let's go. We got to go. How many b*ll*ts you got left? None. Act like you have b*ll*ts, then. We gotta go! We have to wait for pudding! Jenko! Go, go! Here, take this. Okay. I tried to take a b*llet for you, man. Yeah. But you didn't. But I tried. It's the thought that matters. No, it's not the thought that counts. It's f*cking taking the b*llet. Cover me. I'm gonna go long. Okay. Bye-bye, Terminator! Hey! Get off of my chopper! Can you shake him off? I'm coming for you, f*ck! Come on, just wiggle the stick back and forth! He's only got one arm! I only need one arm to punch you in the dick. Shake him off! Shake him off! Don't be a p*ssy! Holy shit! I did it! I look so f*cking badass! Oh, my God, you flew! This is crazy! You made the leap, man! Why'd you do that? 'Cause you did it! I couldn't leave you hanging, man! What are you talking about? I was fine. I had it. You weren't... I got you! Shit! Schmidt! I got you! You saved my life! I just realized something. You don't hold me down, man. You lift me up. Literally and figuratively. Yeah, I know. I meant both. You don't drag me down, either, man. I mean, except right now. You're dragging me down. You're really heavy. Hey, listen, there's a grenade in my shorts. Can you reach it? You gotta go in from underneath. Oh, shit! Is that it? That's my dick. What about that? That's my dick also. Why is it hard? I have so much adrenaline right now! Is that it? You're tickling me. I can't find it! That's it! Grab it! Yes! No, I got it in my mouth. Say something cool when you throw it! One, two, three! Something cool! They're gone! Oh, I feel so... Whoo-hoo! We did it! Dude, f*ck, I'm... ow! Oh! Shit, sorry. Dude, I miss you so much, man. I miss you, too. You were like a tiny little flower seed and I was clenching you in my fist. But a flower, it can't grow in a fist. A little seed needs to fly away free and find its soil. Yeah, I know. I tried to soil myself and, dude, I didn't like it. I wanted a relationship without friction. Dude, you need friction to create fire. And that's what we have, we have fire. Dude, I'm in. I'm all in. Thank God. Dude, this is what I've always wanted. Just me and you, buddy. I love you. Me, too, man. I love you, man. You know what? That's who he should be with, man. What? Hey, what'd you say when you threw the grenade up there? I said, something cool. What did you say? It was something cool. No, but what'd you say? Yeah, I know. I said, something cool. I didn't expect spring break to be this stinky. It's pretty gross. Man, we're getting too old for this shit. We started off too old for this shit. You ain't lying about that. Dude, we're even about the arm thing, okay? Right? What? What do you want to do? Don't move. f*ck. All right. Just get it over with, all right? Don't move. One... Just graze my arm. I don't want you to hit the bone. ...Two, three. f*ck! f*ck! Shit! Oh, my God, are you all right? Shit! Why, man? Why am I always getting hurt around you? Jenko, what are you doing? Oh, f*ck you. f*ck you, schmidt. Stop dicking around. Hey, cap. Congratulations, you two. You managed to f*ck up the situation you originally f*cked up. Thanks. I wish you can f*ck my daughter, but I'm gonna let that be the past. Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches are going to medical school. What? This time, foreign exchange students. Awesome. Yes! In Russia. What? Do svidanya. Vodka soda. Next assignment. A semester at sea. You two sons of bitches are going to culinary school. There's a microchip in this empanada. Old family recipe. Best to keep it a secret. Oh, shit! New assignment... Cap, does schmidt look any different to you? No. That's schmidt. I don't know what you're talking about, man. He look exactly the same to me. I got new glasses. Yeah, man, he just got some new glasses, man. God damn. No one's gonna f*cking notice. Let's do this, schmidt. Yeah. Just like we always do, Jenkins. It's jenko. Sorry. I'm really, really glad you're back, schmidt. What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I've been here the whole time. Man, shut the f*ck up. How about a flight academy? Undercover just got a whole lot sexier. You're jump street, right? Yeah. How the f*ck do you know that? I'm booker. Oh, shit. Man, you're a legend. Traffic school! Military school. Scuba class. Dance academy. Yes. Finally something I'm amazing at. You sons of bitches is gonna be in a video game. Let's blow shit up. Jump street style. Get ready for a lifetime of being badass f*ck. It's inking in my mouth! Don't f*ck my daughter. All right, new assignment. Six hours of makeup? We're getting too old for this shit. Nice. Something cool! Eric. Eric, are you awake? No. I'm late.
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