I want more

I don’t like what is an addiction to caffeine. I am not philosophically bothered by this, I think of addiction perhaps a little differently than others, though this is a whole other direction I’m not going to touch further on. But no, I don’t mean ‘addiction in the abstract.’ I actually don’t like the addiction of it. I mean: when I don’t drink the ‘right’ amount of coffee, meaning when I’m not at home and in control of the dosing, so say on a (frequent) business trip, or a pleasure trip even, when I bias drinking a bit too much, and return home only to find the depression that’s left behind when trying to moderate my intake. I don’t like this. I don’t like the horrible sluggish depression of not drinking coffee for the few days it takes to get it out of my system, which I do periodically for this reason or that. I don’t like the sense that everything that I had thought was going well in my life was just a facade, and that actually — because how can you ignore the penetrating and total urgency of this feeling? — actually, things are all fucked, and I’m a shit, and there are an overwhelming number of horrible realities happening right now in this world, far too many for any of us or even all of us, even if all of us cared, to do anything about it. I do somewhat enjoy the oh duh moment of remembering: oh yeah, I’m not drinking coffee today, just ride it out dude, just ride it out. But no, I don’t like the whole thing. Even if I could drink another Chemex of coffee on a morning like this without freaking, I probably wouldn’t. Another Chemex, and the come-down would be even more violent, even darker.
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* AQ-199= i want more; attention; croissant; hear no evil; i feel lucky; microsoft