2024 Power Rankings-Week 1

== Introduction ==
I watched a short documentary series with my wife a while ago called "A Year in Space," which was about a science experiment that NASA did with Mark and Scott Kelly. One of the twin astronauts spent a year on Earth, living a "normal" life, while the other spent a year at the International Space Station. They measured the differences in their bodies over the course of that year to determine some of the effects of being in space for a long time. The idea was that this could help us understand what long-distance space travel will do to the human body and prepare us for future trips to Mars and beyond. 
There is a quote that has stuck with me that I think is worth sharing:
"We cannot be on one side of a hill without wondering what's on the other side of the hill. If you ask why we go to space you might as well ask why do we dance? Why do we care about football? Who cares, it accomplishes nothing. It does nothing that keeps you alive. But it's part of the very reason you want to remain alive..." - Jeffrey Kluger, Co-author, Apollo 13
I love that quote, and not only because of the irony that Fantasy Football is both a reason to remain alive and a reason to want to blow your fucking brains out for 18 weeks. I love that quote because for a long time I had trouble defining just what makes football so special to me, and I'm guessing to most of you. What is it about this entertainment that feels so essential? And I think that quote says it perfectly.
I also like the context of the quote. A man on Earth. Another in space. Compare the two, and what do you find? I think in a sense we're all astronauts, untethered from the reality of life and instead floating in the fantasy football vacuum of space. 
Maybe I'm being too philosophical, too introspective, and putting too much meaning in something. 
But if we don't explore the stars and if we don't try to draft the perfect team that is 100% going to win us a fantasy championship...what's the point in living? 
As we kick off 2024, I want to raise a proverbial glass. I want to dedicate this season to the things in life that aren't keeping us alive, but are the very reasons we want to live. Whatever that means to you, I dedicate it to that. Could be Fantasy Football, or Pickleball, or music, or movies, or comics, or traveling new places, or reading a good novel, or smoking a joint after a hard day at work, or pleasuring yourself with a Donald Trump dildo. 
Whatever it means to you, I hope you enjoy it. 
And now that my annual waxing poetic is out of the way: 
Now for wrath. Now for ruin...and the red dawn!
== 2024 Schedule ==
Quick-hit thoughts on everybody's schedule
=== Schedule Overview ===
* Week 1: We open the season with some alternative history. The eight quarterfinals teams (playoff bracket and consolation bracket) will face off against other, with last year's four winning teams going against the opposite matchups's losing team. The two bye week teams, P9 and Mattness, will meet in an early Salty Dolphin rematch. 
* Week 2: 1st plays 10th, 2nd plays 9th, etc. down the standings. This gives us two huge rivalry matchups in one week: Shotti vs. Duck and Paddock vs. Pain Train
* Week 3: A trio of rematches anchor a frankly atrocious early week of football games. It's Heart and Soul redux as Dap takes on Pain Train, Million Dollar mayhem as Duck dukes it out with Papa, and a Semifinals Showdown as Mattness has their shot to take on Sweet Dee after having two of their best seasons stopped short in the semis by Sweetness on her way to Glory Bowl glory.
* Week 4: Glory Bowl XI meets Glory Bowl XII as Sweet Dee takes on Stupid Idiots. Meawhile, six trophies go head-to-head in Pat vs. Joe, always a good time. And a rivalry that tupically meets to start and/or end the season has a rare random week get together, with Momma and Mattness seeing action to end September. But don't worry, they still meet again later in the year. 
* Week 5: We kick off October with some spooooky matchups, like Sweet Dee and RIP with the first of two Scary Halloween-month meetups. 
* Week 6: Two tantalizing single-headers headline week 6. Idiots takes on Commish in the lone Glory Bowl XI matchup of 2024, while Glory Bowl I and Glory Bowl II champions go toe-to-toe in momma vs. Papa. But there's plenty of heft to the first legs of some mighty double-header showdowns as well, like the budding rivalry between former co-hosts RIPDab and Paddock 9. 
* Week 7: The marquee matchup this week will be Glory Bowl X rematch Duck vs. Paddock. Dab will play their single game vs. momma in a budding rivalry game, while Shotti vs. Commish gets a late start to their double-header in a matchup that has gained tension and stakes over the years, especially after a jaw-dropping narrow victory in week 7 by Commish in 2023. 
* Week 8: It's Oops All Double-Headers, as three DH's kick off and two have their second legs. Rematches earlier in the season between Idiots/Shotti and Dab/Dee could set the tone for some teams' seasons, while the rest of the league engages in opening battles with conclusions set later in the year. 
* Week 9: 
* Week 14: Champions week will once again pack a punch. Shotti will take on Duck in one of the classic season finale matchups of our league. Paddock/Commish and Dab/Papa will both have week 1 rematches, now with a full season of pain and triumph under their belts. P9 and Commish will be looking to repeat as bye teams, while Dab and Papa hope that by Champions Week they will be competing for a spot in the Festival of Champions and not another run in the Consolation Bracket. Dee will take on Momma in a week 1 rematch as well, as the Gauntlet of the Gods concludes with the fight of the league's most recent champions. Finally, Idiots and Pain Train meet as two of the most outspoken managers duke it out with who-knows-what at stake. It will be their first and only regular season matchup of the year. 
=== Paddock 9 ===
* P9 will have to reap that which he sowed early in 2024, with a week two matchup against 2023 trading partner Pain Train.
* The good news for P9 is that it's his only regular season matchup with the Train. 
* The bad news is that he will have to face fellow 10+ winner Mattness to start and end the year, bookends that could determine seedings and friendships. 
* P9 also has double headers against two of the previous three Glory Bowl champions, Idiot and Momma. 
=== Sweet Dee ===
* The defending champion will have to go through the Gauntlet of the Gods for a chance to repeat, playing each of the prior Glory Bowl winners in order of their last win. The gauntlet begins in week 9 with Glory Bowl I champion Papa's Posse, and ends in week 14 with two-time champion ma ma momma said. Along the way, they will have their lone 2024 regular season matchup with 2023 runner-up and four-time Glory Bowl champion Shotti. 
* But Dee will essentially have to run a mini-gauntlet to start the season, as four of the six former champions will be playing Dee twice in 2024.