Facebook Changes

== Transcript ==
So, by now, some or all of you may have noticed that Facebook made a few changes this week, mostly cosmetic, like a hooker slapping on more makeup before heading back out to the corner. Basic functionality stayed the same, but they've rearranged a bunch of things. Top news and the live feed have been combined, now a mini feed on the right hand that lets you take a glance at what your friends are saying to their friends for some fucking reason -- I barely care what they're saying to me -- but alright, it's a feature now. And I'll be fucked by Buddha if the complaint comments didn't come a-rolling on in! "Change it back!" "What the fuck is this, Facebook?" Yelling at Facebook, by the way, as though it's a living, breathing, hearing entity. And all these people are like, people in their early to mid twenties, because somehow I don't have any friends my own age, I'm not sure how that happened, but it's kinda sad. Anyway, the reason I'm amazed by the complaints is, this is the generation now that not just accepts but thrives on change. One of the most ironic things in the world has to be someone complaining about Facebook changing, sending it from their iPhone, a device that didn't even exist until four years ago. So, a quick open letter to twenty year olds. Dear twenty year olds, You are the reason for change! Everything changes so fast now because your ADD riddled minds can't accept things being the same for more than fifteen fucking minutes. You're the group to call something that was made in 1995 "retro", and reminisce about shit that happened a year ago! "Man, remember the dark ages when like, phones didn't have touch screens?" That was literally no time ago in the grand scheme of the universe, a fucking blip in history. You're the people to get mad when a DJ plays a song that came out six months ago because it's now "old", and you call a Nirvana song "classic". And what's worse, you take everything for granted! None if this amazes you in the fucking least, you just consume, consume, consume. "Oh cool, this thing that weighs negative pounds and fits comfortably in my dickhole can do everything. When's it getting an upgrade?" Do you realize how fucked that type of thinking is? And I'm not that much older, I know that I sound like I'm eighty right now, but seriously! Do you know how amazing this shit is? The Internet itself -- I first got to use the internet in about '95 or '96, so I was fourteen or fifteen, and it was the most amazing thing ever. It took two days of nonstop downloading to get a movie, there was no YouTube yet, and every website looked like it was made by a six year old today, and we were blown away by the capabilities. And as things changed and got better, we just continued to shit ourselves. Now everyone grows up with it. You've used the internet by the time you were two, it's just a thing in the house. You've given no thought to how it or the device you're accessing it on works, how it even physically exists, when it wasn't even fucking dreamt of a half century ago, you just complain when it doesn't work, and bitch that something better isn't out in the next thirty seconds! That thing in your pocket that you can whip out at any time and have a video chat with someone across the goddamn world? Fifty years ago, practically no time at all in human history, that was science fiction. Nerds got beat up by jocks at school for believing it could someday exist. And here it is! So, that is why things change. Because of you. And here's another thing I don't get. You're complaining about a free thing that you could either use or not use, what the fuck is that? You are under absolutely no obligation to use Facebook or Twitter or Google Plus or YouTube or any of these things that will quite possibly be dated references five years from now. If they wanna change it, you have no vote or say in the matter since you have paid exactly zero dollars towards its existence, and you've proven that your time is valued at a grand total of absolutely nothing, because you're wasting it dicking around on a meaningless website instead of doing something constructive with your life that might help others or advance the human race as a whole. And you can say, "Buckley, you're one to talk, what the fuck have you done?" And you're right. I've probably done as little as you have, but there's one difference. I'm not the one crying over the fact that a free website made a couple visual changes that affects not a goddamn thing in the world. How bout this? Go to fucking Ethiopia and ask them how they're handling the new Facebook changes. They might have time to answer you in between burying their stillborn AIDs baby and finding a sip of water that doesn't contain goat shit.