Valentine's Day (NMiBB episode)

This page is for the No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom episode. For the Welcome to Bikini Bottom! episode, see here.
Valentine's Day is the eleventh episode of season four, and the thirty-eighth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on February 13, 2021.
== Plot ==
Mr. Biden gets Cupid to make Mr. Pineapple fall in love with him. Meanwhile, Mr. Renaud tries to enlist Cupid to star in his latest CPTV special.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins at the Oval Office. Mr. Biden can be seen holding a photo of Mr. Pineapple.]
Mr. Biden: Oh, the one that got away…
[Suddenly, a siren goes off. “NATIONAL SECURITY ALERT! NATIONAL SECURITY ALERT!” can be heard.]  
Mr. Banana: OH NO! We’ve been invaded!
[On the television screen of the Oval Office, a baby with wings can be seen flying through the skies of Bikini Bottom, shooting at fish with a bow-and-arrow.]
Mr. Banana: WE HAVE TO APPREHEND AND SLAUGHTER HIM IMMEDIATELY! I’m calling in the military!
Mr. Biden: Calm down, Jack, it’s just a baby.
Mr. Banana: We’ve killed thousands of babies in the name of national security, why not this one?
Mr. Biden: Hmm…a baby, shooting at fish, with a bow-and-arrow, on Valentine’s Day…I have a very special feeling about this one, and if I’m right, my pain will finally go away! We must see him in peace!
[Cut to Bikini Bottom. Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana can be seen with the baby.]
Mr. Banana: So you mean to tell me you’re here to MAKE FISH FALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW INCREDIBLY UNPRODUCTIVE THAT IS?! 
Mr. Biden: Quiet, Jack! So, Jack, do ya think you could think that you could make Mrs. Pineapple fall in love with me? [holds up a picture of Mr. Pineapple]
Cupid: That person looks like they’re in high school. 
Mr. Biden: Listen, Jack, if a baby’s old enough to be wielding a weapon, a high schooler’s old enough to be fucking the President of the United States! Make her fall in love with me, or you’re going straight to the Gitmo, and you don’t wanna know what happens in there! 
Cupid: Okay, okay, fine!
[Suddenly, Mr. Pineapple walks by.]
Mr. Pineapple: Mr. President, is that you?
Mr. Biden: [heart racing] Oh yes, it’s me!
Mr. Pineapple: Go fuck yourself you capitalist imperialist fascist piece of—
[Suddenly, Cupid shoots at Mr. Pineapple’s ass with his bow-and-arrow.]
Mr. Pineapple: OW!
Mr. Pepperchicken: HEY! WAIT JUST ONE SECOND! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GAY THAT IS?! AIMING AT A MALE’S ASS?!
[Cupid shoots at Mr. Pepperchicken with his bow-and-arrow.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: OW! HEY! You’ve damaged my purebred white Russian ass! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Fancyson walks by.]
Mr. Fancyon: Ah, time to use my government position to enrich myself! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: MOTHER RUSSIA! JUST LOOK AT THAT SEXY JEWISH BEAST! [runs over to Mr. Fancyson, latching himself onto his tentacles] 
Mr. Fancyson: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [knocks Mr. Pepperchicken off of him, running away]
Mr. Pepperchicken: WAIT! You haven’t put your tentacles in each of my holes yet! [chases after him] 
[Cut to Mr. Pineapple fawning over Mr. Biden.]
Mr. Pineapple: Wow, I must say, you sure look sexy today, Mr. President. 
Mr. Biden: Why don’t you say we take this to the White House bedroom?
Mr. Pineapple: Great idea! I’ve always wanted to fuck a corpse! 
[Mr. Banana watches the two head over to the White House. He then turns towards Cupid.]
Mr. Banana: Give me that! 
[Mr. Banana wrangles the bow-and-arrow from Cupid’s hand. Grinning, he aims for Ms. Strawberry - however, he accidentally ends up hitting Ms. Broccoli instead.]
Ms.. Broccoli: [walks over to him] Why hello there, Mr. Banana! Lovely day, isn’t it? But you know what you make it even better? A banana smoothie. 
Mr. Banana: Uh, sorry, I’m not into vegetables. 
Ms. Broccoli: Did I ask? [slaps Mr. Banana’s ass] Oh yeah, shake that banana booty, baby! 
Mr. Banana: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [quickly begins running away]
Ms. Broccoli: Ooh, I love when they play hard to get! [chases Mr. Banana]
Cupid: Ah, isn’t love beautiful?
Mr. Renaud: It sure is! And you know what would be a great way to promote Valentine’s Day, the day of love? Having you star in one of my specials! 
Cupid: Mr. Renaud, I can’t legally do that, I’m a child. 
Mr. Renaud: That’s what makes it so much fun! The risk! 
Cupid: Mr. Renaud, as a holiday figure, I have to be a role model for others. I can’t just go around breaking the law! 
Mr. Renaud: Why not? Holiday figures break the law all the time! Just look at Mr. Claus! His whole thing is breaking into people’s houses! And violating strikes. Plus, you’ve already broken the law just today! You’ve illegally invaded a sovereign nation, and you’ve attacked civilians!
Cupid: Attacked civilians with the power of love!
Mr. Renaud: Star in my special, or else!
Cupid: Or else what?
Mr. Renaud: With all your violations, one phone call to the Gitmo authorities can mean—
Cupid: When do we shoot?
[Cut to the Oval Office. Mrs. Harris is sitting at the desk, surrounded by a crowd of reporters.]
Mrs. Harris: Joe is a bit busy today, so I’ll be filling in for him during today’s press sessions. Now, what questions do you have?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mrs. Vice President, the president has voiced support for re-opening schools, despite the fact-
[Suddenly Mr. Pineapple and Mr. Biden can be heard from the other room.]
Mr. Biden: [off-screenI have to say, Jack, that’s one hell of a pussy you got there! It looks just like a dick! Anyway, let’s get this show on the road! 
Mr. Pineapple: [off-screen] Uh...you’re completely soft. 
Mr. Biden: [off-screen] Yep, it stopped going up years ago. But don’t worry, we can make this work! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: I’m sorry, is the president having sex with a high school student in the next room?
Mrs. Harris: Uhhh no, no, of course not. We just have a uh, rat infestation. 
[Suddenly Mr. Banana bursts into the room, wearing a gas mask and holding a container full of poisonous gas.] 
Mr. Banana: Bernie’s in here? Don’t worry, I’ll take care of him. 
Mr. Biden: [off-screen] OH YEAH BABY! SHOVE THAT BEAUTIFUL TEENAGE PUSSY THAT FOR SOME REASON IS LIKE JUST A DICK FURTHER UP MY ASS! 
[The reporters blink. Ms. Broccoli then enters the room.] 
Ms. Broccoli: There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! 
Mr. Banana: HOLY SMOKES! [dives out the window] 
[Cut to CPTV Studios, where Mr. Renaud is sitting in a chair with a megaphone.]
Mr. Renaud: Alright, so here’s how the scene’s gonna go. Mr. Sullivan is gonna splash melted chocolate on you, and then he’s gonna lick it off your naked body. Alright, ACTION! 
Cupid: [blinks]
Mr. Renaud: Hey, lose the diaper! 
[Cupid just stands there.]
Mr. Renaud: What are you doing?! 
Cupid: I uh...I-I have stage fright. [wets diaper] S-sorry… 
Mr. Renaud: No, no, no, no, don’t apologize! That makes it even better! Mr. Sullivan can lick that up too! 
Mr. Sullivan: Bruh, come on man! 
[Cut to the White House Bedroom at 11:59 PM.]
Mr. Biden: My pain is now finally gone. After all these months of trying to win you over, I finally have. 
Mr. Pineapple: And from now on, we’ll be together forever…
[Mr. Biden attempts to kiss Mr. Pineapple when the clock strikes midnight. Mr. Pineapple pushes Mr. Biden away.]
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT THE HELL
Mr. Biden: What’s the matter, bae?
Mr. Pineapple: What am I doing here?! I’m not your bae, I’m 14 years old!
Mr. Biden: There’s nothing wrong with that!
Mr. Pineapple: Yes there is! You’re a capitalist imperialist fascist piece of shit! If old people want to fuck me, they should be communists!
Mr. Biden: We can set our political differences aside for our true love!
Mr. Pineapple: No can do, Mr. War Criminal. There was no “true love”, I was out of my mind the whole time! I’m outta here, and I’m not coming back until I overthrow and execute you!
Mr. Biden: NO! PLEASE!
[Mr. Pineapple leaves the White House.]
Mr. Biden: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! CUPID, YOU HEARTBREAKER, WHAT GIVES?!
[Suddenly, a heart-shaped note lands in front of Mr. Biden. It reads “Dear Mr. President, thank you for letting me spread my love around Bikini Bottom. I was treated much better here than in Shell City, where I was jailed because my love arrows caused gay relationships. Anyways, if you’re reading this, Valentine’s Day has passed, and thus I went back home to Fairy World. With me gone, the love arrows are now ineffective. I won’t be here until next Valentine’s Day, so goodbye!”.]
Mr. Biden: [reads and throws the note away] NEXT VALENTINE’S DAY?! Would I even be alive by then?! I should’ve jailed him forever to keep my love! Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana runs into the room and hides behind Mr. Biden.]
Mr. Banana: Help me, Joe! Ms. Broccoli is trying to rape me!
Mr. Biden: Calm down, Jack, Valentine’s Day is over. Cupid’s love arrows have worn off.
[Suddenly, Ms. Broccoli enters the room.]
Ms. Broccoli: Cupid’s love arrows? Nah, I’ve always had a crush on you. NOW GET OVER HERE AND FUCK ME!
Mr. Banana: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[The episode ends as Ms. Broccoli runs over to Mr. Banana and rapes him.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fourth Season
Category:Episodes