Episode 319: Elke Sommer/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 319: Elke Sommer.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Elke Sommer? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Sommer.
Elke 	Uh, thank you, Scooter. Uh, listen, I hate to complain, but... ahem... there's a man eating my makeup table.
 	
Scooter	I'm terribly sorry. Fred, you're supposed to eat the wardrobe!
Fred 	Sorry.
 	He starts to eat the wardrobe.
Elke 	(shrugs) Wardrobe, that makes more sense. I guess.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Elke Sommer. Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins. A baby joins Statler and Waldorf in their box, singing the theme.
 	
 	A jet plane flies out of Gonzo's horn.
Gonzo 	Watch out for the balcony! (a crash is heard)
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Hi-ho. Kermit the Frog here, and this is The Muppet Show, and you have been warned. (nods) Hey, we have a real treat tonight because our very special guest star is one of the world's most beautiful and talented ladies, Miss Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Benson's Baby Band!
Bobby Benson	A one, a two, a one, two, three...
 	Bobby Benson's Baby Band performs "Pennsylvania 6-5000". Applause.
 	
Bobby Benson	Yep. That's my babies. That's my babies.
 	The baby in the box sits on Statler's lap and babbles.
Waldorf 	Is that your kid?
Statler 	Of course not. I'm just babysitting. This is my grandson.
Waldorf 	Well, there is a resemblance.
Baby (JN) 	Yeah, but I won't be bald and toothless forever.
Waldorf 	(laughs)
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, Muppet Labs onstage next, Muppet Labs.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Mr. Kermit, where's Beaker?
Kermit 	Beaker. I'm sure I don't know.
 	Beaker turns up behind them, wearing a lampshade to be indiscreet.
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, fiddle faddle. I shall have to cancel Muppet Labs this week.
 	Beaker perks up.
Kermit 	Huh?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And I was going to give Beaker the honor of demonstrating this new diesel shaver.
 	He puts a heavy device on Kermit's desk.
Kermit 	Well, it's a close shave for Beaker either way.
 	A group of Whatnots with balloons make their way onstage behind them.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yeah. Sorry to cancel at such short notice.
Kermit 	Oh, that's okay.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Hate to go out there and lose face. (carries the device away)
Kermit 	I'm sure Beaker felt the same way.
Beaker 	Uh-huh. Whew.
 	He hides himself when he sees Beauregard coming. Beau mistakes Beaker for a real lamp.
Beauregard 	Hey, this is a new one. I'll plug it in and see if it's working.
 	Beau plugs it in. Beaker yelps and runs away as his eyes light up.
Beauregard 	It's working!
=="Animal Crackers in My Soup"==
Kermit 	Uh, okay, owing to the unfortunate cancellation of Muppet Labs...
 	Beaker the lamp runs by, yelping.
Kermit 	…combined with the fact that the furniture is taking over the show... ahem, uh, it's around this time that I start to wonder why I do it. There is a reason, of course, and here it is. We now turn over our stage to the lovely and talented Miss Elke Sommer!
 	The curtain opens on Elke, dressed as Shirley Temple, on a pedestal surrounded by balloons. She curtsies and sings "Animal Crackers in My Soup".
 	
Kermit 	Uh, hold, hold. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Uh, one second. Uh, listen, I'm sorry, Elke, uh, but um … uh, you're a great singer and a perfect performer and...
Elke 	Thank you.
Kermit 	But, you see, this … this whole "little girl" look just isn't right for this show.
Elke 	But why, Kermit? I mean, it's such a cute little show. With little piggies and little duckies and not to even mention little froggies. (giggles)
Kermit 	Yeah, but you see, we try to appeal to adults.
Elke 	Oh.
Kermit 	I mean, we're — we're very suave, sophisticated … duckies and piggies and froggies. Ahem.
Elke 	(flustered) Oh, gee, yeah, well — gee, I got the whole thing all wrong. Do you think I could get a chance to do it again?
Kermit 	Well, uh, okay, yeah, sure, sure, of course. Okay, curtain! Curtain!
 	She gets up on the pedestal. The curtain closes and a fanfare plays.
Kermit 	Okay, well, uh, I'm sorry for that little hitch, folks. But here she is now, the wonderful Miss Elke Sommer.
 	The curtain opens on Elke, dressed as Marlene Dietrich, against a different backdrop with marble dog statues. Five Whatnot backing singers accompany her as she sings slowly and seductively.
Kermit 	(interrupts) Yeah, yeah, uh, hold, uh, I'm sorry...
 	
Elke 	What is it now, Kermit? I mean, wasn't that sophisticated enough? I gave it everything I had.
Kermit 	(looks her over) Uh, yeah, ahem, uh, yeah. Well, that's true. But it just... it's just, well, it's not the way that, uh… ahem … we would do it.
Elke 	I mean, you people?
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
Elke 	Well, how would you people do it then?
Kermit 	Oh. Well — would you like to do it our way?
Elke 	Sure, I'd like to do it your way. That's what I'm here for.
Kermit 	Oh, well, uh, brave girl. Okay, uh, curtain! Curtain!
 	She gets up on the pedestal. The curtain closes and a fanfare plays.
Kermit 	Okay, well... ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, here to do her first number for the third time... ahem ... Elke Sommer!
 	
 	The curtain opens on Elke, her head on the body of a wiry Muppet, dancing between two Bossmen. She finishes the song. Applause.
Waldorf 	You know, I don't think this show is suitable for children.
Baby (JN)	I don't think this show is suitable for anybody.
 	They all chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The two Bossmen walk past Kermit as he talks to Beauregard and Beaker.
Kermit 	Okay, uh, so listen, uh, you two are gonna build a set for Elke's closing number, huh?
Beauregard	Oh, sure. What kind of number is it?
Kermit 	Uh, well... it's a, it's a spectacular tribute to ancient Egypt, so the set really has to be impressive.
 	
Beauregard	Oh, you've come to the right people. You just tell me and Beaker what you want.
Beaker 	Right.
Kermit 	Uh, okay, well, I, I want a, a royal barge and a sphinx, and uh, don't forget the pyramids.
Beauregard	(pause) Oh, sure, pyramids.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Beauregard	But what shape do you want 'em?
Kermit 	(ponders) What shape.
Beauregard	Mm-hmm.
Kermit 	(to camera) We're up the Nile without a paddle. (goes onstage)
Beauregard	But we've got a paddle! (holds it up) Look! (Beaker reacts in shock)
==Pigs in Space==
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was about to make a soft landing on the planet Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob 	Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... (lingers)
Miss Piggy 	Five.
Link Hogthrob 	Five, I know. Four... three... two… one... touchdown. That should do it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Nice work, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	Thank you, Strangepork. What'd you think, First Mate Piggy?
 	The ship crashes, startling them. Link sucks his thumb.
Miss Piggy 	I think your landings are hard and your brain is soft.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, no matter. Now comes the moment the whole world has been waiting for.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, what's that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, to see the first pig walk on the planet Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. Oh, yeah.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	The TV camera is on, and when you step out there, Link, you'll become the most famous pig in history.
Miss Piggy 	Um... Um... Why don't I just uh, step out and see if it is safe for mon capitain?
Link Hogthrob 	Why, that's very thoughtful of you, First Mate Piggy.
 	She saunters to the door, humming.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	No, Link, no! Then she'll be the first pig on the planet Koozebane and get all the glory!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh! Oh! You're right! Stop, First Mate Piggy! (tackles her)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Nice tackle, Link.
 	
Link Hogthrob 	This is a job for a captain pig.
Miss Piggy 	(scowls at Strangepork)
Link Hogthrob 	Wish me luck. Here I go. (strains to open the door) Oh, no, it's stuck.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Or maybe it opens in, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	No, it definitely opens out, I know. (pushes)
Miss Piggy 	Oh, brother.
Link Hogthrob 	I'm gonna have to get a — I'm gonna have to back up and get a running start and break down this door.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, excuse me. Uh...
Link Hogthrob 	(on his mark) Here I go. Back up. Watch out. Oop, wait a minute …
Miss Piggy 	(over Link) Moth brain, if it doesn't... If it doesn't open in, and if it doesn't open out, then obviously...
Link Hogthrob 	Here I come!
Miss Piggy 	… it must slide open.
 	She opens the door. Link runs through it, slipping on his way out.
Announcer 	So ends part one. If you can stand it, stay tuned for part two.
Miss Piggy 	(to camera) Don't.
==UK spot==
 	
 	Bobby Benson's Baby Band performs "Tuxedo Junction".
Bobby Benson	That's my babies.
==Pigs in Space cont'd==
Announcer 	And now, part two of Pigs In Space. As you may recall, the spaceship was landing on the planet Koozebane, and Link Hogthrob was taking his giant leap for swinekind.
 	After landing on the planet's surface, Link gets up and calls out.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, greetings from Koozebane. Uh, this is captain Link Hogthrob, the first pig to ever set foot on this distant planet.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, forget it.
Link Hogthrob 	Wait, I'm on television.
Miss Piggy 	No, you're not, dear.
Link Hogthrob 	Huh?
Miss Piggy 	The camera broke.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. Well, might as well go home then.
Miss Piggy 	No, no, no! We can't. We must find out if there is life on Koozebane.
Link Hogthrob 	Wha? (looks around) You mean... You mean like, uh... You mean like little green monsters?
Miss Piggy 	I don't know. But we must find out.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, well uh… (soft voice) Yoo-hoo, anybody here? Uh, no, let's go home.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, oh, is my captain afraid?
Link Hogthrob 	What, me afraid? Why, of course not.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(pops up behind a crater) Yoo-hoo!
 	Link screams and jumps into Piggy's arms, shivering.
 	
Link Hogthrob 	What was that?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	It was me, Link.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. I knew that.
 	Piggy puts him down.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, you all right now, First Mate Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, brother.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, there's no life on Koozebane. My life detection computer pack indicates it's impossible for any life to exist on this planet.
Link Hogthrob 	Good, let's go.
Miss Piggy 	What a shame. It's such a pretty planet.
 	They go back to the ship. Zoom out to reveal some talking rocks.
Rock (KM) 	George, wake up. I think I hear prowlers.
Rock (DG) 	Aw, Martha, go back to sleep.
 	They yawn as the closing sting plays.
Waldorf 	The hills are alive.
Statler 	(with baby) With the sound of music…
 	They all laugh.
==Dressing room==
 	Gonzo gives Elke some flowers.
Gonzo 	Yeah, they're for you.
Elke 	Aww. (thanks him in German and Italian) Mmm. They're lovely.
Gonzo 	Say, how many languages do you speak?
Elke 	Oh, about uh, six.
Gonzo 	(gasps) That's amazing.
Elke 	No, not really. You have people in your show who speak several languages.
Gonzo 	We do?
Elke 	Sure. How about the Swedish Chef?
Gonzo 	Oh, yeah, how about him? (chuckles)
Elke 	Well, doesn't he speak English and Swedish?
Gonzo 	I don't think so.
Elke 	You mean, then he's not bilingual?
Gonzo 	I think the Swedish Chef is non-lingual.
 	They laugh.
Elke 	However, you know something? There is another person in your show who speaks another language. That's Mademoiselle Piggy, who speaks French not half bad.
Gonzo 	Oh, well, look, let me tell you a secret.
Elke 	Uh-huh. What? What?
Gonzo 	The only French she knows is what she's read off a perfume label.
Elke 	You're kidding.
Gonzo 	(shakes head) Mm-mm.
Elke 	I didn't know that.
Gonzo 	Yeah. It's true.
Elke 	I don't believe it.
Gonzo 	Oh yeah.
Miss Piggy	Ahem! Yoo-hoo!
Gonzo 	Oh, hi, Miss Piggy. We were just talking about you.
Miss Piggy	Oh, heh — moi? Aww!
Gonzo 	Yeah, hey, look, I'd like you to meet Elke Sommer. Miss Piggy, Elke Sommer.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Enchantée, Elke.
Elke 	Enchantée, Mademoiselle Piggy. Vous parlez Français, eh? C'est formidable.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Uh … mais oui.
Elke 	(continues to speak French)
Miss Piggy	Um...
Gonzo 	Uh, maybe this bottle of perfume will help.
Elke 	(chuckles)
Miss Piggy	What? What?
Elke 	Gonzo's being funny, you know. He got the silly notion that you — the only French you know comes from reading perfume bottle labels. Silly.
Gonzo 	Yeah. (chuckling) Silly.
Miss Piggy	(chuckling) Silly. Silly Gonzo. (growls at him)
Elke 	Hey, Miss Piggy, here is something you will understand.
Miss Piggy	Hmm?
Elke 	Lend me your ear.
 	She snorts like a pig. Piggy is perplexed.
Miss Piggy	Uh, excuse me...
Elke 	I'm not finished yet, no. (continues snorting)
Miss Piggy	Uh-huh. … Well, yes, I mean…
Elke 	(to Gonzo) You see?
Miss Piggy	Um, ahem — I don't know what you're talking about.
 	
Elke 	What do you mean? I was trying to speak in your native tongue, Swine-ese.
Gonzo 	(chuckles)
Miss Piggy	Swine-ese?
Elke 	Commonly known as chewing the fat.
 	She and Gonzo laugh. Piggy joins them.
Miss Piggy	"Chewing the fat!" (laughs) You wanna chew this! Hi-YAH! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops Elke in the back, and kicks Gonzo away. Elke watches as she storms out.
Elke 	Miss Piggy — ?
==Backstage==
 	Piggy slams the door. Meanwhile, Beaker and Beauregard tinker away at the set.
Beauregard	Okay, Beaker, you hold the nail.
 	Piggy swats at the balloons.
Beauregard	Okay, hold the nail right there. And I'll hit it with the hammer.
 	Beaker pulls the nail away as Beauregard strikes.
Beauregard	Hey, I ain't gonna hit you.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Beauregard	Come on, put it there again. Okay.
 	Beaker pulls the nail away again.
Beauregard	Beaker, look, look. Lookit. I'll take the nail… put it there … you watch closely.
 	
 	Beauregard takes the nail and raises the hammer, hitting Beaker by accident.
Beauregard	Can't you watch closely from further away?
 	Beaker walks away and hides behind part of the set.
Beauregard	Sheesh. You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your nerve. … Okay, here we go.
 	Beauregard raises the hammer, accidentally throwing it and hitting Beaker again. Beaker faints.
Beauregard	You can't be a master carpenter if you lose your hammer.
==Muppet Sports==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen…
Fozzie 	(fumbles with curtains) Kermit! Kermit! Oh, why don't they make these curtains with a door? Kermit, Kazagger's ready. We've got a fish. Go ahead.
Kermit 	You got a fish?
Fozzie 	Don't ask, just introduce.
Kermit 	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Muppet Sports!
 	The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger	Hi out there in Sportsland. This is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet sports. Tonight, the finals of the all-nations goldfish shooting contest. On my left, the contender.
 	The contender stands by a fishbowl with a goldfish in it.
Louis Kazagger	Allow me to wish you luck, sir.
 	
Contender 	Luck? Hah! I don't need no luck. He ain't gonna have a chance.
 	He aims his rifle at the goldfish, shoots, and misses.
Louis Kazagger	Missed!
 	The fish spits in the contender's face. The contender stews as the closing music plays.
==Backstage==
 	The scenery is carried onstage.
Kermit 	Okay, how's it going, Beau?
Beauregard	Oh, well, it's close. We've just got to saw off the braces.
Kermit 	Uh-huh. How you gonna do that?
Beauregard	Oh, well, I sent Beaker to get the power saw.
Kermit 	Is that wise?
Beauregard	Oh, sure, he's okay.
Kermit 	He's dumber than you are.
Beauregard	(offended) He is not. (sigh)
 	They hear a chainsaw.
Beauregard	Oh, just so long as he doesn't get carried away.
 	The force of the chainsaw carries Beaker in multiple directions.
Kermit 	Oh, no! He's getting carried away!
 	
Beauregard	Hang on there, Beaker!
Kermit 	Uh, listen — I'll go introduce the number, you get the set finished.
Beauregard	Yes, okay, I'll paint the set. I've just got... Oh!
 	The set is carried away from him as he looks for his paintbrush. Animal passes by him, ready for the number.
Animal 	Row! Row! Row!
Beauregard	Where is the set?! Hey!
=="Row, Row, Row"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Uh... Uh, well, folks, it's time for one final number from tonight's wonderful guest star. (he hears them hammering) Uh... Hey, could you hammer more softly back there?
Beauregard	No. Could you talk more loudly?
Kermit 	(grimaces) Uh, well, uh, anyway, here she is, one of filmdom's great talents, and great beauties, I might add...
Beauregard	Could you speak more slowly out there?
Kermit 	No! Could you hammer more quickly? Uh... Here she is, the Cleopatra of movie stars, Miss Elke Sommer!
 	
 	Elke, as Cleopatra, sings "Row, Row, Row." Eight Whatnots row the boat and two others fan her, as Animal drums. Beauregard continues building the set during the song.''
Animal 	Faster! … Faster! … Faster!
 	The song increases tempo. The sphinx joins the song.
Animal 	Faster!
 	The song increases tempo until the boat sinks and commotion ensues. Beauregard tosses Elke a life preserver; she blows kisses to the audience.
Elke 	Thank you!
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, I think we've just about finished whatever it was we started a while back. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Elke Sommer! Yaaaaay!
 	Applause. Elke takes a bow.
Elke 	Thank you very much, Kermit. I had a wonderful time and I want to thank you and all of your friends very much indeed.
Kermit 	Good. It's been a little wild and crazy tonight. But, uh, now that things have calmed down, uh…
 	
 	They run away from Beaker and the chainsaw. Two Whatnots follow them.
Elke 	Oh, my goodness!
 	Piggy comes onstage, confused, then runs away from the chainsaw.
Kermit 	Uh, uh...
Miss Piggy	(screams)
Elke 	Bye! Bye! … Is he always like this?
 	The chase resumes in the other direction.
Kermit 	Uh, we'll see you next time on...
Elke 	…on The Muppet Show, okay? Bye!
 	They run away. The credits roll.
Waldorf 	Is he a bouncing baby boy?
Statler 	I don't know, but we're high enough up to find out.
 	They chuckle. The baby smacks Statler with his rattle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts