The Coleman Family Into the Crossverse/Transcript

Bert Bunny's residence
(Bert Bunny is watching TV and drinking a beer. There's a shadow lurking around the house, and then Bert Bunny thinks he hears someone and turns around to look out the window. He doesn't see anything, so he shrugs his shoulders and goes back to watching his show. Then, a hooded figure breaks in and attacks Bert Bunny.)
Six months later
(At the construction site, Larry and his friends are doing work while chatting.)
Larry: Anyone want a beer after work?
Wyatt: You know I'm always up for a beer.
Jose: Si, me too.
Larry: How about you, Chen?
Chen: Yeah, I can grab a couple beers after work.
Larry: Great, the wife and kids will be out.
Chen: How did you get a free evening?
Larry: We're going to a school play.
Wyatt: Lucky you for dodging that.
Coleman Residence
(Larry comes home from the bar.)
Yolanda: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! WHY WERE YOU NOT AT THE SCHOOL PLAY?!
Larry: What are you talking about? I went for beer with the guys after work because you and the kids are gonna be out.
Yolanda: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH US, DUMMY! When I said the kids have a school play, that means you have to go too! Not go to have a good time with your buddies!
Larry: I'm sorry. I thought when you said the kids have a school play, I thought you meant you were taking the kids.
Yolanda: Why would I want to sit through that by myself? If I have to go, you have to go! Now, since you have a old time with your friends while I was sitting through some boring school play, I guess that means I got to go. Have a good time while you watch your children.
Larry: Uhhh...
Yolanda: You can just close your bottom lip right now. It's happening.
Larry; But Yolanda, I'm sorry.
Yolanda: Yeah, you are sorry. *walks away* Sorry ass.
Nancy Reagan School
(The students are eating lunch.)
Darrel: I want to go to the movies this weekend.
Calvin: Yeah, we could go see that, uh, new action movie!
Darius: Yeah, I wanna see that too!
Darrel: Let's to make it happen Saturday after noon. Who's in?
(All of them raise their hands, expect for Toshi.)
Darrel: Toshi, you wanna go?
Toshi: I want to, but my parents are making me go to some dinner with them. We have family visiting.
Darrel: I hear ya, man. Maybe next time.
Stuart, Rick, Elliott: *approaches the boys*
Stuart: Oh, look, it's the Nerd Herd.
Darrel: *rolls his eyes* What do you guys want?
Elliott: Oh, I'm sensing a little attitude, Coleman.
Darrel: I'm surprised you're sensing anything over the smell of your breath.
Elliott: You're gonna pay for that. *punches the table*
Mr. Stevens: Everything okay here, gentlemen?
Darius: Everything's great, Mr. Stevens. These three are just leaving.
Mr. Stevens: Very well. Keep moving, gentlemen.
Hallways
(The boys are walking down the hallways until they notice a poster of Earthling vs. Predator.)
Darrel: What is that? Is that a movie?
Ronny: It appears to be... *gasps in horror* A mockbuster.
Pablo: What's a mockbuster?
Ronny: A copy of media.
Pablo: Why are you so scared?
Ronny: Mockbusters are very disturbing.
Meanwhile
Anchorwoman: Local teenager reports mockbuster sighting. The mockbuster is unconfirmed at this time.
(A bullet hits the TV. We then see a cartoon crow wearing a fedora hat and a trench coat.)
Clint Crow: Earthling vs. Predator is confirmed. Time to watch Arkansas Smith. *inserts the DVD*
Werebbid: *barges into the room*
Clint Crow: *sighs in annoyance* Not now!
Werebbid: *in gibberish* The Police-Agency is... after us!
Clint Crow: Those fools. When will they learn? They will never catch Clint Crow!
Werebbid: *in gibberish* Also, this, uh, Ronny guy belongs to a black guy named Darrel Coleman.
Clint Crow: Isn't that a cooler?
Werebbid: *shakes his head, then shows Clint a picture of Darrel*
Clint Crow: He looks like just a kid. Why does it have to do with that?
Werebbid: *in gibberish* He's a popular athlete.
Clint Crow: Popular, eh? We'll see about this. *chuckles evilly*
Wyatt's Trailer
(Larry and the guys are drinking beer.)
Chen: There's nothing like a cold beer after a long day at work.
Wyatt: You got that right.
Larry: Today was a doozy. *drinks his beer* So, what are we going to do today?
Jose: We could shoot some pool.
Wyatt: I'm too tired to go out, we can just drink some beers and grill some meats.
Chen: Don't you have a dart board?
Wyatt: Yeah, I do.
Larry: Yeah, we can drink some beers, grill some meets, and throw some darts.
30 minutes later
(Larry, Chen, Jose and Wyatt are eating pizza and watching a NASCAR race.)
Jose: Well, that didn't go as planned.
Wyatt: We're still drinking beers and eating food, aren't we?
Larry: He's got a point. Any ideas?
Chen: I'm gonna have to get home before too long or I'm gonna be in the dog house.
Larry: What dog house?
Chen: My wife has been getting upset about me going so much after work.
Larry: Jose?
Jose: I told you I wanted to play pool.
Larry: Wyatt?
Wyatt: Fine. We can go play pool, I know Chen have to leave. Larry, you in?
Larry: I better head home too.
Larry and Chen: *leaves*
Wyatt: No farting in my truck.
Jose: I'll try my best, but no promises.
(As Larry drove down the road, he notices a sign saying "Ficville".)
Larry: *gets out of the car and walks over to the sign* WTF is Ficville? Wait. It means... a vacation.
Coleman Residence
(The family are having a meeting.)
Larry: Coleman family, we are going on vacation!
Yolanda: That's wonderful, Larry!
Lucille: Don't be too excited. We don't what he's taking us yet.
Larry: Now, now, be nice. Today, we are going to... *pulls out the sign* ...Ficville.
Colemans: What is Ficville?
Larry: It takes a long time to explain. So, pack up your things!
Bert: Okay, you heard him.
(The Colemans start packing up and get in a RV. Then, a honk came from a pickup truck.)
Larry: What are you guys doing here?
Wyatt: We wanted to have fun have some too.
Larry: Okay.
(Then the two vehicles drive off. They drive hundreds of miles.)
Yolanda: Are we ever gonna get there?
Larry: We're almost there.
Bert: Almost doesn't mean anything.
Darrel: Exactly.
Chen: We are these Colemans going? We've been driving forever.
Jose: If we don't get there soon, I'm gonna poop my pants.
Wyatt: There are things called rest areas, Jose. Let me flag, Larry. *waves out the window* Jose's gonna poop!
Larry: There's a rest area up ahead.
Wyatt: Thank goodness, Jose's gonna blow.
Chen: Jose, I thought we told you to stay away from the beans.
Jose: I didn't eat any beans, I have some pork tamales.
Chen: That's not any better.
Rest area
(The three guys are standing outside while Jose is still in the bathroom.)
Larry: It's not much further.
Yolanda: YOU KEEP SAYING THAT, LARRY COLEMAN!
Larry: We'll be there in 45 minutes!
Yolanda: Whatever! You better take me out for a nice dinner when we get there!
Larry: Yes, dear.
(Jose comes out of the bathroom and get in their vehicles, then continue driving. Suddenly, a cartoon bird hits the RV. The bird slowly falls down. They got out.)
Larry: Oh my God... I killed a bird!
Cartoon Bird: I'm not dead, just gimmie a minute. *stands up, straightens himself out.* Ah, that's better. *flies away*
Larry: What the...!?
(Larry looks at the sign saying "Welcome to Ficville".)
Larry: See, I told you we're almost there!
Wyatt: Larry, what kind of place is this?
Larry: It's called "Ficville".
Wyatt: Well, I can see that, but that was a talking bird. So, like I said, what kind of place is this?
Larry: I guess we should go find out.
(With that, the two vehicles drove into town. They stop at a camp ground. The Colemans, Chen, Jose and Wyatt got out.)
Aisha: Me and Antonne are gonna go look around.
Antonne and Aisha: *runs off*
Lucille: *runs after them* You better not cause any trouble, or I'm gonna cane your hides!
Larry: *sees Beavis and Butt-Head* Hello. Uh, do you boys live in Ficville.
Butt-Head: Uh, are you like a pervert or something?
Larry: *gasps* No! My family and I are here for vacation! Just trying to figure out things to do.
Beavis: He looks like a pervert.
Chen: He's not a pervert, he's a family man!
Butt-Head: Uh huh huh. You said "Family Guy".
Wyatt: Family Guy? You mean that dumbass fatman Peter Griffin?
Beavis: Yeah, yeah, aren't you his black friend?
Chen: I think we should move away from these idiots.
Larry, Chen, Jose, Wyatt: *moves away from Beavis and Butt-Head and walks down the sidewalk*
Yolanda: You better be going to find someplace to take me to dinner!
Wyatt: This place is wild.
Larry: It sure is. I bet there's some interesting things see and do.
Larry, Chen, Jose, Wyatt: *looks around the town*
Jose: *farts*
Jay: Oh my God! Was that sewer that came out of your ass!?
Larry: As much as I want to defend you, my friend Jose, that tall skinny guy has a point.
Chen: We need to get you to a doctor.
Wyatt: Or an exorcist.
Jay: What exorcist?
Wyatt: For his ass demons.
Jay and Silent Bob: *looks at each other*
Jay: I wouldn't be surprised with that smell.
Silent Bob: *nods*
Jay: I haven't seen you guys around here before.
Larry: We're here on vacation.
Jay: That's cool. You guys looking to score some bud?
Larry: W-W-What?
Jay: You know, Mary Jane. Reefer. The Devil's Lettuce. Weed. Smoke. 420. Dank. Nugs. Y'know, weed.
Larry: No thank you.
Jay: Suit yourself.
Larry: *spots Ficville Lanes* They have a bowling alley!
Wyatt: You boys feeling like bowling a few frames?
Chen: Sounds good to me.
(As the guys go into Ficville Lanes, Nikolas spies on them with his binoculars.)
Nikolas: *calls Clint Crow* Four out of town men walking into the bowling alley.
Clint Crow: Hold on, four out of towns guys? Are you kidding me? Why would anybody come to Ficville?
Nikolas: Apparently they're on vacation.
Clint Crow: Ficville is not exactly a vacation spot. IT IS A DAMN CRIME CITY! Keep a eye on them, I wanna make sure they're not up to something.
Nikolas: Yes sir.
Ficville Lanes
(Larry and his friends are bowling.)
Wyatt: This is a really strange town.
Jose: Si.
Chen: There's definitely something different about this place.
Larry: Yes, I never seen anything quite like it.
Betty Boop: Can I take your order?
Larry, Chen, Jose, Wyatt: *stares at her*
Larry: You're a cartoon.
Betty Boop: Thank you, Captain Obivious. Do you gentlemen want a pitcher of beer or something else to drink.
Wyatt: I'm gonna need beer for this place.
Barney Gumble: Did someone say beer? *burps*
Larry: Four pitchers.
Barney Gumble: Make it five. I'll join you.
Chen: Are you sure you need more beer, buddy?
Barney Gumble: *passes out on the floor, snoring*
(While the four guys look at Barney, Nikolas in his bat form, watching over them.)
Wyatt: Well, that escalated quickly.
Larry: Let's back to our game and like to get it finished before I take Yolanda for dinner.
(They continue bowling and drink their beer.)
Larry: I really need somewhere to take Yolanda for dinner.
Chen: You could ask the waitress.
Jose: A tavern?
Wyatt: Or a buffet.
Larry: I've gotta take somewhere nice before she is even madder than she already is. She does like a good seafood buffet. I wonder if they had one of those there.
Captain Jack's
(Larry arrives at Captain Jack's with Yolanda.)
Yolanda: Oh, Larry! Do they have all you can eat crab legs? You know I love crab legs!
Larry: Yes, they do.
Yolanda: Oh, Larry. Thank you so much.
(While Larry and Yolanda are eating and talking, Vanessa is watching Larry from a nearby table.)
Vanessa: *calls Chief Malone* I got our first recruit.
Chief Malone: Good work. Make sure you got four of them.
Vanessa: Right.
2 hours later
(As Larry and Yolanda drove to the hotel, Vanessa secretly follows them. Vanessa disguise herself as a maid and knocks on the door.)
Larry: *opens the door* Uh, I didn't call for housekeeping.
Yolanda: Who's at the door!?
Larry: Housekeeping, did you call?
Yolanda: No, but while you're here, we need some more towels.
Vanessa: *shows her badge to Larry*
Larry: Am I under arrest?
Vanessa: No, but I need your help. Grab your friends and come with me.
Larry: What? Where are we going?
Vanessa: I'll explain on the way there.
Later
(Vanessa is driving Larry, Chen, Jose and Wyatt to the headquarters.)
Chen: When are you gonna tell us what's going on?
Vanessa: Clint and his group are going to steal the Soul Crusher and take over the world with a bunch of mockbusters.
Wyatt: I have questions, who is Clint, what's a Soul Crusher, and what in the world is a mockbuster?
Vanessa: Clint is a vile crow that committed tons of crimes. A Soul Crusher is like a cross between a axe and a guitar. And mockbusters are copies of something else.
Larry: So what do you need us for?
Vanessa: You four are going to help us put a end to this.
Chen: Why us?
Larry: Yeah, I'm just on vacation with my family. And these guys decided to tag along.
Vanessa: I believe you guys are the most unusual people I ever heard of.
Jose: *farts* Sorry.
Larry: Man, Jose, that can be weaponized!
Vanessa: I knew we could use you.
(Vanessa stops the car and she and the guys got out.)
Vanessa: Alright, boys. Let's meet Chief Malone.
(The five go inside and met up with Chief Malone.)
Chief Malone: Are these the men you told me about, Vanessa?
Vanessa: Yes, sir. Meet Larry, Chen, Jose, and Wyatt.
Jose: Hola.
Chief Malone: It's nice to meet you, gentlemen. I take it that Vanessa explained what's going on.
Larry: She told us about Clint, and how you all seem to think that we can help. But I still don't see how.
Chief Malone: To be honest, you four have done some crazy stuff. I think it's just the element of surprise, we need to catch Clint Crow.
Wyatt: We have had some good times, haven't we, boys?
Larry, Chen, Jose: *laughs and nods*
Larry: Quick question! What is a Soul Crusher?
Chief Malone: A dangerous weapon wielded by Metallicus.
Wyatt: You all just keep creating more questions than you are answering. Who's Metallicus.
Chief Malone: Metallicus was the servant of Satan himself. He came to Earth at the bidding of Satan to try to collect souls. One day, a mighty warrior named Kurlolk came to their aid and clashed with Metallicus. During a long duel, Kurlolk chopped off Metallicus' hands, but the demon wounded the warrior with his horn. Eventually, Kurlolk broke off Metallicus' horn and killed him. Kurlolk had bleed for three days, his blood pooled and created a massive city that would became Ficville.
Larry: That's the craziest thing I ever heard!
Chen, Jose, Wyatt: *nods*
Larry: What do you need us to do and when?
Chief Malone: Well, all you can do is to target a Scotsman and try to get information from him. Goes by the name... Fat Bastard. And he's usually found at the All You Can Stuff It.
All You Can Stuff It
(Chen and Jose go inside and pretend to be employees while Larry and Wyatt watch from the bushes.)
Wyatt: You think it's a good idea?
Larry: I guess we'll find out.
(Inside, Chen poses as a waiter and Jose poses a busboy.)
Chen: *approaches Fat Bastard's table* Hello, I'm Daishi. I'll be your waiter.
Fat Bastard: Bring me plates of food.
Chen: As you wish.
(Minutes later, Chen brings Fat Bastard salad and fruit.)
Fat Bastard: This isn't food! This is what the food eats before it becomes the food!
Chen: *gulps*
Fat Bastard: You should be nervous, laddie. 'Cause if ya don't bring something to eat, I'm gonna eat you!
Chen: Uh, Jose? I mean, Pablo?
Fat Bastard: Who's Jose?
Larry and Wyatt: *barges inside*
Wyatt: You're not getting anything but lettuce until you tell us what we wanna know.
Fat Bastard: Who are you?!
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