A Day With Bugs Bunny

An anthropomorphic long-eared rabbit was lounging in the remains of a ship's crow's-nest on a tiny deserted island somewhere in the mortal realm. He had grey fur, buck teeth, a small pink nose, whiskers and white fur on his muzzle, belly and feet, and wore only a pair of white gloves. This was Bugs Bunny, a self-proclaimed expert on the human world; and as he basked in the sun, he strummed on a little ukulele and sang a bit in a pronounced New Yorker accent~
Bugs: An' when he ride in de afternoon
I followed wit' a hickory broom;
The horse being very shy
When bitten by de blue-tail fly
Jimmy crack corn an' I don't care,
Jimmy crack corn an' I don't care,
Take that ya stupid corn!
"Bugs!"
Recognizing the voice, the rabbit grinned and pulled out a telescope. Looking through the wrong end, he saw Bloom, Donald, and Goofy all the way out on the horizon, waving to him as they emerged from the other side of the portal.
"WHOA! Immortals off 'da portal-bow! Bloom, how are ya' doing there, kiddo?" Bugs cheerfully shouted back.
He lowered the telescope to see that they were actually two feet away. "Huh, you guys can swim really fast," the astonished rabbit noted as he began chewing on a carrot, "So, eh, what's up docs?"
"Bugs, take a look at what we found!" Bloom said excitedly, taking the sling bag off.
"Awhuck, we were at this old crashed airship, and it was really scary." Goofy added. Bugs looked interested by this.
"Human stuff, eh? Well, let me take a look." the rabbit said in-between carrot bites. Using an anchor to weigh down a palm tree to his level, he stepped onto the leaves and walked down the trunk, only for the palm tree to recoil back up...sending the rabbit crashing to the ground. Brushing himself off, he ran over and took the bag, browsing through it, until he pulled out the fork as he looked at it in awe.
"Well, would'a look at that." He spoke with a smile, "'Dis is special; very very unusual."
"What? What is it?" Bloom eagerly asked.
"It's a dinglehopper!" Bugs explained.
"A dingle-whatnow?" Goofy asked in confusion.
Bugs nodded as he spoke to the Immortal princess, duck, and humanoid dog, "Oh yeah, these babies are fantabulous. Absolutely indispensary."
"Doesn't look all that special to me." Donald muttered skeptically, not looking the least bit impressed.
"Well now, are you 'da expert on human stuff?" Bugs asked with an insulted look.
"Er, um, no-"
"Then shut up and let 'da expert do his job, laughing-boy," the rabbit responded with a dismissing wave, before whistling over a trio of seabirds. "Now allow me ta' present my associates: Nigel~"
"G'day." the friendly-looking brown and white pelican nodded.
"Gerald~"
"Hello there." the scruffy-looking pelican nodded.
"and Mortimer~"
"SQUAWK!" the scrawny-looking seagull with a red bandanna and blue eyes, replied with a dopey expression.
"He's Belgian. We no longer speak." Bugs quietly confessed to Bloom. "But anyways, I pride myself on bein' an expert on 'da mortal realm an' its human stuff! An' when it comes to dinglehoppers, Bloom, you can say that I'm a regular encyclopoodia!" the rabbit bragged, smirking as he began to sing~
Bugs: Say 'dat ya wanna have a hairdo
Like 'da folks who live up there do
Dat'll flap their wigs!
"Flop their wigs!" Nigel corrected.
"Flap." Gerald insisted.
"SQUAWK!" Mortimer piped up.
Well, 'ya will look absolutely dandy
If you use one 'a these handy
Little thingmajigs!
"Thingmabobs!" Nigel snapped, again correcting the rabbit.
"Jigs!" Bugs argued as he frowned.
"Bobs." Gerald protested.
"SQUAWK!" Mortimer insisted.
Ignoring them, Bugs proceeded to demonstrate using the "dinglehopper" by twirling it around his ears like spaghetti.
Bugs: Pick up 'da dinglehopper, just like so
Twirl it 'da way I'm twirling now!
Give it a little yank, and there ya go!
Ya now got a' aesthetically-pleasing confooguration of hair,
'Dat humans will call "the dog's meow"!
With that, Bugs yanked the fork out of his ears so hard, they puffed out into an odango hairdo. Satisfied with his demonstration, the rabbit handed the item back to Bloom. Backing him up on chorus, Nigel and Gerald, joined in as they sang along~
Nigel and Gerald: Wonderful stuff!
Mortimer: SQUAWK!
Nigel and Gerald: That human stuff!
Can't get enough-
Mortimer: SQUAWK!
Nigel and Gerald: Of human stuff!
And he is the authority-
No need for him to bluff!
Bugs: Because I am great at explanatin' dat Human stuff!
Goofy then pulled out the pipe, "Gwarsh, what about this one?"
"'Dat my friend, is anoddah' fascinating human object: 'da banded, bulbous snarfblat!" Bugs explained with a grin.
"Wow!" Bloom exclaimed with a smile.
Using a large boulder as a screen, Bugs cranked up an old projector to show a film reel of a primeval jungle of sorts. A short bearded caveman sat in a mud puddle with a blank expression, repeatedly bonking his head with a club; as the rabbit continued his lesson~
Bugs: Back when 'da world was prehistoral,
People sat as still as coral.
Flat upon their bumps
"On their runts." Nigel spoke, rolling his eyes.
"Rumps." Gerald corrected.
"Bumps!" Bugs insisted.
"SQUAWK!" Mortimer added.
In the film, the caveman notice a bunch of cavewomen ogling over another buffer, more handsome-looking caveman; making the bearded caveman frown in jealousy.
Bugs: There they would be, not even thinkin'
Bored ta' death an' barely blinkin'
Way down at 'da dumps
"On the dumps!" Gerald snapped in annoyance.
"At!" Bugs insisted.
"On!" Nigel corrected.
"SQUAWK!" Mortimer pleaded.
Back in the film, our bearded caveman was seen using tools to carve a mammoth tusk into the more familiar-looking shape of a horn. "Duh..." the caveman proudly boasted, a goofy one-toothed smile on his face. He then headed over to a cavewoman and began blowing the "snarfblat" in her face, making her look annoyed as her face got covered in his spittle. As he continued blowing, the caveman didn't seem to notice the other caveman walk up behind him and glare venomously.
Bugs: Then they invented snarfblats, just by chance.
Suddenly life was la-dee-da!
Snarfblats are what ya' use ta' make folks dance!
Bugs then handed the pipe to Bloom, "Give it a blow, and then..."
THUNK! The buff caveman bonked the shorter caveman on the head with a club, making his eyes bug out and the horn deflate.
"As da French say: Voilà!" Bugs pointed with a smirk~
Bugs, Nigel, and Gerald: Wonderful stuff!
Mortimer: SQUAWK!
Bugs, Nigel, and Gerald: That human stuff!
If you're a buff-
Mortimer: SQUAWK!
Bugs, Nigel, and Gerald: Of human stuff!
Nigel:It's marvable!
Gerald: Stupendiful!
Bugs: Completely A-OJ!
Which sounds absurd, but take my word—
All three: 'Dat's what 'da humans say!
Sensible stuff
'Dat human stuff!
None of it fluff—
Not human stuff!
Nigel and Gerald: And heaven knows
Since he's the pro
From him, you'll get no guff
Bugs: And once 'ya got your who's-ma-gig—
Nigel: Your thinga-ma-what—
Gerald: A whatch-ma-gig—
Bugs: That's all 'ua need to bring you up to snuff!
All three: Right up 'ta snuff!
With proper dinglehopper groomin'
Rest assured... you'll look real human!
Bugs: I know, because I know
Human…..Stuuuuuuffffff!!!!!
Nigel and Gerald: Ah, ah, ah, ah, AH!
As the song ended and the seabirds flew off, Goofy looked down at the pipe, "Gwarsh...so, this really does make music?"
"Hee hee he! Does 'dat really make music? What a maroon!" Bugs repeated in bewilderment before laughing a bit, "WELL OF COURSE IT DOES! Just watch..." He took a deep breath and blew into the pipe, causing dirt and soot to gush out, as the rabbit began to cough and gag.
Suddenly, Bloom's eyes widened as she remembered something VERY important, "Music?"
"BLECH! Gimme some watta'! I'm in A-GO-NEEEY!!" Bugs gagged, trying to get the disgusting taste off his tongue.
"No, the Fantasian Jubelation!" Bloom moaned, hurriedly packing up the 'human stuff' back into her bag, "Oh my gosh! Master Kenobi's going to kill me!"
"Gwarsh! That was today?" Goofy asked in shock, scratching his noggin.
"WAAK! You big palooka, you're the one with a calendar!" Donald snapped.
"We have to go! Thank you, Bugs!" Bloom called back to the rabbit as the trio disappeared through a portal.
"Anytime, sweetie! Anytime!" Bugs called after them as he waved goodbye.
Category:Story