Bed, Bob & Beyond/Transcript

== Bed, Bob & Beyond ==
Linda: Valentine's Day?
Bob: Uh, Lin, are you saying something?
Linda: No. Uh, just something in my throat.
Tina: I can't believe they've been acting like this all day.
Louise: This is the weirdest Valentine's Day ever.
Gene: I don't even understand what exactly happened.
Louise: I saw the whole thing. It was awful.
Linda: Aw. Good morning, my baby Bobby. Happy Valentine's Day. Oh! Bob, I just tripped over a pile of your dirty laundry.
Bob: Oh, uh, uh, sorry. Maybe, uh, just walk around it? 
Linda: No, I'm not gonna walk around it. Why is it even there?
Bob: Well, you have your pile of dirty laundry.
Linda: Well, it's Valentine's Day, so, you know, maybe you could just move it.
Bob: Or we could ignore it. That's romantic.
Linda: Well, if this is your idea of being romantic, it's not working on me. On a scale of this to Michael Bolton, this is this.
Bob: You don't have to bring up Michael Bolton every Valentine's Day.
Linda: Oh, here we go.
Bob: I'm never gonna be your Michael Bolton!
Linda: You don't even try to be him, Bob!
Bob: I grew my hair long once! 
Gene: Wow. That is dumb. And now Mom's weird idea that we all go on this family Valentine's date is even weirder.
Louise: Ugh. I'm just worried they're still gonna be in a bad mood when they find out about... the bed.
Linda: Kids, let's go. We're leaving for the theater now.
Louise: Looks fine.
Tina: Well, hopefully, this movie will soften them up. Mom's a sucker for romantic comedies.
Gene: Yeah. She would watch Four Hundred Weddings and a Thousand Funerals if she could.
Louise: And Dad pretends he doesn't like them, but every time he sees one, he dad-cries, and then downloads the soundtrack. When this movie is over, they won't care about a broken bed. They'll be too busy making awful middle-aged love.
Tina: Aw.
Bus Driver: On your left, you'll see the, um, uh, well, uh, the, uh, famous London Tube. And on your right, you'll see, uh, well, uh, Big Ben. And up ahead, you'll see the, uh, um, uh, eh, the the Royal Garden where the princess enjoys, uh, tea with her, um, family.
Tina: He puts the glamor in stammer.
Princess: Enjoys tea with her family? Who could enjoy anything with those stuffy bores?
Louise: Crap. Mom and Dad still look mad.
Tina: Give it a second. I think we're almost at the romantic part.
Gene: Are you guys seeing all these Whoppers on the floor? I'm gonna pick 'em up just to throw them away.
Bus Driver: I, um, hope you enjoyed the, uh, uh, tour, Your Highness.
Princess: Shh! 
Bus Driver: Aha! I knew you were the princess!
Princess: How did you know it was me?
Bus Driver: I recognized your, um, famously, uh, slightly large nose.
Princess: It's a fake one. It's my disguise.
Bus Driver: Oh! Oh, my God. I'm-I'm so sorry.
Princess: I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's my own nose. See? Look. Honk-honk.
Tina: I love this.
Princess: I-I just wanted one normal day outside the palace. Please don't tell anyone.
Bus Driver: It's a, um, uh, uh, deal.
Princess: Brilliant.
Bus Driver: Brilliant.
Princess: Brilliant.
Bus Driver: Brilliant.
Princess: Brilliant.
Bus Driver: Brilliant.
Princess: Brilliant.
Bus Driver: Brilliant.
Tina: Here it comes.
Louise: Bring us home, Rom-com.
Linda: What? What's going on? 
Tina: What the hell?
Gene: That's it? Rom-com, thank you, Mom?
Bob: No, kids, the movie's not over. There must be some kind of problem.
Worker: Uh, hi, everyone. It seems we have a small fire, popcorn-related. Anyway, since I'm not allowed to scream "fire" in a crowded theater, I'll just say it calmly. Fire.
Linda: Mm, stupid...
Bob: Of course there's a fire...
Louise: Well, that was a bust.
Tina: At least we got a voucher for a free movie.
Louise: No, I mean it was a bust because we need the movie to soften them up, remember?
Bob: What are you kids talking about?
Linda: Yeah. What's with all the sister-whisper back there?
Louise: We were just talking about what a super romantic ending that movie probably had. And, uh Gene is gonna tell you all about it.
Gene: Yeah. Sure. Here's what happens. The queen finds out that her daughter, the princess, whose name is Paula McCartney...
Linda: Paula McCartney? 
Louise: Yep. Princess Paula McCartney. Good, good. Moving on.
Gene: Has escaped the palace! And the queen's like Boy, am I mad at my slightly big-nosed daughter. I'm the queen! So she calls for her best beefeater to track down the princess. He says 'Righty-O. I'll just finish up this spot of beef, and I'll have a looky for her royal heinie.' So the Princess Paula McCartney and the tour guide are being chased through the streets, but they still had time to bond and be charming. 
Bus Driver: By the way, we haven't been properly introduced. My name is Scott Jon Dan Steve.
Linda: Wait. What? That's his name? 
Louise: Yeah. The character's name Scottjon Dansteve.
Linda: Oh.
Princess: Well, Mr. Dansteve
Scottjon: Please call me Scottjon.
Princess: Move over. I'm driving.
Gene: Scottjon Dansteve decides to call his best mate for some help, a soccer hooligan named Johnny Nottinghill! Johnny's like 'I'm watching footie on the telly in the pubby where the beer is. You coming down or not, Scottjon?' 
Scottjon: No! But I do need your help!
Gene: Meanwhile, the beefeater is gaining on the bus. Just as he's closing in, he's bombarded by soccer balls! From guess who.
Linda: The hooligan! 
Gene: That's right! Johnny Hooligan!
Linda: I thought his name was Johnny Nottinghill.
Gene: Right. Shush. The beefeater jumps on the bus, and he's like 'Princess Paula McCartney, there's an exploding scone somewhere on this bus. If the bus goes under 50 miles per hour, it will explode.' 
Linda: Don't English people say "kilograms"? 
Bob: Kilometers.
Tina: Actually, no, they use miles. We studied it in school.
Louise: Nerd.
Tina: What? 
Linda: Oh, okay.
Gene: If the bus goes under 50 miles per hour, it will explode! 'I guess you could say we're in a bit of a jam. 'Cause of the scone.'
Bob: So, wait. There's an exploding scone on the bus? Is that...
Gene: Do you not know how scones work? They're incredibly dense!
Linda: There's all kinds of scones, Bob.
Bob: I know there are all kinds of scones, Lin. I'm just saying, why is it on a bus?
Linda: There can't be a scone on a bus? God! Forget it.
Bob: You're right. Fine.
Tina: Well, at least they're actually talking now.
Louise: Yeah, but they're still fighting. We got to soften them up more than this before we get home and they see the broken bed. Gene, try to put some romance in your story.
Gene: Got it. Anyway the beefeater tells Scottjon and Princess Paula McCartney that the person who planted the scone was none other than Big Ben. 
Scottjon: I should have known.
Princess: Who's Big Ben? 
Scottjon: My arch-rival. He's always been jealous that I'm the best tour guide in the city. Now he's found a way to destroy me and everything I love.
Princess: Are you talking about the bus? 
Scottjon: Yes. And you.
Scottjon: Watch out for that tube! 
Gene: Princess Paula McCartney looks up to see that they are headed right into a giant tube!
Bob: Gene, you know the London Tube isn't an actual tube, right? And also, Big Ben is a clock, not a person.
Gene: Okay, Professor Dumbledore.
Bob: Hmm.
Gene: They miss the tube just barely, but they still don't know how they're going to get off that bus! 
Princess: What are we going to do, Scottjon?
Scottjon: I have an idea. Turn left up here where David Bowie and Mick Jagger danced in the street. Then turn right up here where Sir Ian McKellen once farted.
Princess: Wow. You really are the best tour guide in the city.
Scottjon: Look out!
Gene: They're headed straight for a giant pile of dirty laundry. Big Ben had strategically placed piles of dirty laundry all around the city, making it almost impossible to drive.
Bob: Piles of dirty laundry? Are you talking about the movie or or me?
Louise: Sometimes stories are so universal, it feels like they're speaking directly to all of us.
Bob: Mm.
Gene: Scottjon Dansteve and Princess Paula McCartney find themselves headed straight for the London Bridge, which everyone knows is falling down, because there's a hit song about it.
Bob: Um, I think you mean Tower Bridge. That's the famous one, but whatever.
Gene: Don't bridge-splain me, Father!
Princess: This was your idea, Scottjon? The Tower Bridge? 
Scottjon: I didn't realize there was a gap in the middle of it! You know what we have to do, right?
Princess: Yes.
Bob: Uh, let me guess. Does she say, "Mind the gap"?
Gene: Nuh. I don't know what that is.
Bob: Mind the gap. It's-it's what they say on the...
Gene: Are you saying "mine" or "mind"? 
Bob: Mind.
Gene: Why would you mind a gap? 
Bob: You... don't worry about it.
Gene: As I was saying...
Scottjon: You know what we have to do, right?
Princess: Yes. Jump the gap.
Scottjon: That's exactly right. We have to jump the gap.
Bob: Oh, my God.
Gene: Reminiscent of, but not at all plagiarizing Speed, the bus launches off the bridge.
Princess: We did it!
Gene: They make the jump, but dot-dot-dot 
Princess: The bus's brakes don't work.
Gene: Luckily, at the end of the road was a giant pile of broken beds.
Princess: The bed factory! Of course. Maybe we can use them to absorb the impact.
Scottjon: Yes. Broken beds are incredibly good and great.
Gene: The bus slams into the pile of broken beds. The princess and Scottjon ride the beefeater out of the bus as if he was a toboggan, just as the scone explodes and dirty piles of laundry fly everywhere! On the ground, they lie on the beefeater, being super romantic, and he's cool with it.
Scottjon: Let's get married, have kids and never, ever get mad at them.
Gene: The princess is like..
Princess: Yep!
Gene: And they kiss. And that's the movie. The end. Roll credits. What are you feeling? What are you thinking?
Louise: Wow. I don't know about you guys, but I need a moment.
Tina: Mom, Dad, you guys must be feeling pretty Valentine-y now, huh?
Bob: Uh, what was the deal with the broken beds? Why were they there? 
Tina: Beds break, okay? It's part of life. Grow up.
Bob: Whoa. Okay, Tina. Well, thank you for finishing it for us, Gene. It was it was very exciting.
Linda: Yeah. Too bad life isn't like a movie and people disappoint you.
Bob: Mm-hmm, yeah, and sometimes people are clumsy, and they trip on things that are perfectly fine to be there.
Tina: Um, actually, I-I don't think Gene finished the movie. Uh, I-I mean, great start, but, uh, there's more. Scottjon Dansteve and Princess Paula McCartney survive the exploding scone, but that's just the beginning of their problems. They're kissing like crazy on top of the beefeater, but he's got something to tell them. He says 'Beg your pardon, Your Highness. I've been sent to remind you that you're expected to attend the royal wedding this evening.'
Princess: I completely forgot. Wait. Scottjon, why don't you come as my date to this silly affair?
Scottjon: Uh, I-I'd love to. Uh, the-the problem is, only nobility and fancy people can attend a royal wedding. I'm just a humble commoner.
Princess: Well, then let's get noble. Nobility makeover! 
Tina: Princess Paula McCartney gets to work teaching Scottjon Dansteve how to fit in with fancy royal people. First, she teaches him how to cross his legs at the knee. Then at the thigh, then at the butt.
Princess: Let's practice that one more time, just the butt thing. Once more. And again. Once more, please. Again.
Bob: Oh, all right, Tina. We get it.
Tina: And after all that preparation, there was only one thing left to do: teach Scottjon Dansteve how to speak.
Princess: Scottjon, my dear, you know I love your charming stammer, but it simply will not do. At least, not tonight when you're giving your speech.
Scottjon: Speech? Um, uh, w-well, I-I don't even know whose wedding this is.
Princess: It's mine. I'm betrothed to the Duke of Douchebury, and I need a nobleman to object to the marriage, or I'm stuck with him.
Tina: If Scottjon Dansteve wants to be with Princess Paula McCartney, he has to give a speech in front of the queen without stammering.
Scottjon: Princess Paula McCartney, I will not let you um, uh, uh, down.
Princess: That's crap, isn't it?
Linda: I can't believe Princess Paula McCartney has to marry the horrible Duke of Douchebury.
Bob: Oh, uh, hold on a minute, Lin. You don't know anything about this guy. Just because his name is Douchebury doesn't mean he's a... Wait a minute, never mind. I-I don't know why I'm saying anything. 
Louise: Go on with your story, Tina, and do even more of that lovey-dovey stuff.
Tina: On it. The royal wedding was to be a river wedding on board a cruise liner.
Linda: Ooh, a cruise liner. Fancy.
Tina: All the guests stroll down to the docks, including Scottjon Dansteve, who now looks as noble as the next guy. He passes by his mate Johnny Nottinghill outside the pubby. Johnny Nottinghill's like, "Hey, Scottjon, you want to watch footie with me?" 
Scotjon: Shh! I'm off to ruin a, um, a-a posh wedding.
Tina: On the cruise liner, the wedding gets underway, and the queen herself is in attendance. And she's waving, and she's waving. When it comes time to ask if anyone has any objections, Scottjon Dansteve stands up.
Scottjon: I object! 
Tina: The crowd gasps. And the vicar says, "Right, then. Clearly by the way you cross your legs at your butt even while you're standing, you are of noble birth. Please smoothly orate to us the reason for your objection."
Scottjon: I object for the reason that um, that, uh Wh uh, eh, wh um...
Tina: But just then a huge boom jolts the entire cruise liner. Seamen spill out all over the deck.
Linda: Tina! Oh, wait. You mean sailors. Never mind. Go on.
Tina: Wait, what? What did you think I meant? 
Linda: Nothing, nothing. It's fine. You're fine.
Tina: Anyway, there's a ton of seamen all over the place.
Bob: Oh, my God.
Tina: One of them screams, "It's a giant pile of dirty clothes floating in the river. Evacuate! We've hit a laundry-berg!" 
Linda: A laundry-berg? No!
Bob: A laundry-berg? Really? That's what sunk the ship? 
Tina: Well, if you must know, Dad, what really sunk the ship was human arrogance.
Bob: Hmm.
Tina: Everyone starts jumping into the water as the ship sinks. Luckily, floating nearby, Princess Paula McCartney finds a broken bed.
Princess: Thank God for this broken bed.
Scottjon: Broken beds are way better than non-broken beds.
Bob: Wait, what's with all the broken beds?
Tina: I know, right? It probably means something cool. Anyway, Scottjon Dansteve stayed by the princess's side.
Scottjon: I'm here, Princess, and, uh, uh and I will never leave you.
Tina: Just then, a dinghy floats by with the Duke of Douchebury. He's like 'I knew I heard you stammering before. You're a commoner.' Other dinghies full of royals float by, and they start murmuring again.
Princess: Now, listen here, all of you. Yes, this man is a commoner. And yes, he's quite unkempt. And yes, he probably has to flush his own toilet. And yes, he may be loaded with diseases like rotten legs, pub penis, ordinary skin syndrome...
Scottjon: Uh, um... 
Princess: Sorry, sorry. My point is...
Tina: But at that moment, a huge wave crashes on top of them, sending Scottjon Dansteve down the river.
Linda: No! So, wait, there's a wave? In a river?
Bob: Oh, an exploding scone on a bus is fine, but there can't be a wave in a river?
Linda: I'm just saying, rivers don't have waves.
Bob: Yeah, but the scone.
Linda: Forget about the scone, Bob.
Bob: I can't forget about the scone, Lin!
Tina: And though their love will live on forever, that's the last time Princess Paula McCartney ever sees Scottjon Dansteve, 'cause he's dead. Eventually, she moves to America, has eight kids who she never gets mad at, and grows old. But every time she trips over a pile of dirty laundry, she thinks of him. The end.
Linda: Wait, what? That's the end? 
Tina: Yeah, basically. Um, anyway, what do you think? It has everything, right? Tragedy? Action? Passion? 
Linda: Huh. I guess. Kinda.
Bob: I mean, I'm glad you finished it. Also, it's perfect timing, 'cause we're home. Everyone go up. I'll park the car.
Linda: Well, some Valentine's Day that was.
Gene: Oh, God. We're back at the scene of the crime, and they're still in a bad mood.
Tina: We're gonna get grounded so hard. I can't take it, man. I can't take it.
Louise: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold on. We can't get out of the car yet. There's more to the movie.
Linda: There is?
Louise: Yes. Gene and Tina forgot to tell you the super exciting, crazy dramatic, ultra-romantic finale after the finale.
Bob: Uh, Louise, can you just tell us when we get upstairs? Or maybe just write it down somewhere? 
Louise: I have to tell you before we go in the house. It's super quick.
Linda: Let's all park the car together, and we'll just let her tell us, right, Bob?
Bob: All right. Let's hear it.
Louise: So, after being tossed around in the river, Scottjon Dansteve washes up, coughing. Turns out he's not dead, Tina, and he's happy to be alive.
Scottjon: I'm alive.
Louise: But he's sad that he lost his Princess Paula McCartney to the Duke of Douchebury. Luckily, he's really close to home, which is a flat above an English muffin shop, which, if you're in England, is just called a muffin shop. He lived there with his hooligan mate, Johnny Nottinghill. And it wasn't a great flat. Pretty crappy, actually, and full of little piles of dirty laundry.
Bob: I knew it.
Scottjon: All right, Johnny, let's watch some footie.
Louise: Suddenly, there's a sound behind him. He turns around. Princess Paula McCartney is standing in the doorway of his flat.
Princess: Honk, honk.
Scottjon: Princess Paula McCartney.
Princess: Hello, Scottjon Dansteve.
Scottjon: Oh, um, sorry. Uh, can I introduce you to Johnny Something-face.
Louise: Johnny's like, "Ello. Football to ya."
Princess: Scottjon, look, I was scared of what my family would think, but I realize now that it's all rubbish. I'm just a girl standing in front of a tour guide next to his football friend above an English muffin shop, which is just a muffin shop, holding in a toot, asking him to...
Louise: Just then, she trips over something.
Princess: Scottjon, I've just tripped over your pile of dirty laundry.
Scottjon: Oh, um, sorry. Uh, perhaps just, uh, walk around it?
Princess: "Just walk around it"?
Scottjon: Don't you have your own piles of dirty laundry at the palace?
Princess: Yes, but perhaps you could simply move it.
Scottjon: Or we could, um, ignore it? Which I find equally romantic.
Princess: If that's what you fancy as romance, Scottjon, then I want no part of it. On a scale of one to Sir Michael Bolton, I consider this this.
Louise: It's the dumbest argument ever. But as they fight, something strange starts to happen. Piles of laundry begin to rise up and swirl around them. Scottjon and Princess Paula McCartney are so wrapped up in their argument that they don't see that the laundry piles have formed a twister the size of a building.
Bob: So, it's a supernatural twister of laundry.
Louise: You know what? You're right. Not believable. Anyway, some other stuff happens. You don't want to hear it. Long day. We're home. The end.
Linda: Wait, wait, wait. You can't stop there. They end up together, right?
Bob: W-We do want to hear it. Just tell us how it ends.
Linda: Tell us.
Louise: Okay, fine. Scottjon and Princess Paula McCartney don't realize that all their negative energy is creating a-a-a a laundry-nado!
Gene: Oh, laundry-Na-do you didn't.
Louise: Scottjon Dansteve and Princess Paula McCartney's argument threatens the whole town, but they have no idea. They're too busy arguing like dumb idiots. Like dumb, stupid, arguing idiots. 
Bob: Okay, take it easy, Louise.
Princess: Argue. Argue.
Scottjon: Argue. Argue.
Louise: A bed from the flat is whipped up into the sky and snapped like a twig.
Bob: Uh, let me guess. Does the broken bed somehow fix all of this?
Louise: No, it doesn't. This time, not even a broken bed could save them. Although, that's a really good guess, because broken beds usually are great. But no. They realize that the laundry-nado is making a noise.
Laundry-nado: Sorry!
Scottjon: I-I think it's apologizing to us.
Princess: Uh, oh, okay. Apology accepted.
Laundry-nado: Not me! You! You say sorry! 
Louise: In order to save the town, Scottjon Dansteve and Princess Paula McCartney would have to do the unthinkable. They would have to apologize to each other.
Linda: Oh. That's a plot twist. Does Scottjon apologize first? 'Cause he should.
Bob: I've never seen this movie before, but it feels like Princess Paula McCartney would probably apologize first.
Louise: Ugh. As long as the two lovers refuse to say a simple "I'm sorry" to each other, the laundry-nado continues to rip the town apart. First the London Bridge falls down, which we all saw coming.
Bob: Tower Bridge.
Louise: Then the royal palace is wiped out. And then Big Ben is swooped up, the clock and the guy. Finally, realizing they're both being stupid, stupid morons, Scottjon Dansteve and Princess Paula McCartney agree to apologize at the exact same time.
Both: One, two, three.
Scottjon: I'm sorry I got so angry about the pile of laundry.
Princess: I was a real wanker about the whole thing.
Scottjon: I was just embarrassed about my dodgy flat.
Princess: I was just hoping we could have a nice day together after my royal wedding and the whole exploding scone thing.
Scottjon: I felt bad that you tripped on my dirty laundry.
Louise: The laundry-nado immediately goes away. Everything falls to the ground. Scottjon and the princess realize they're holding hands. There's music and stuff. Cut to Westminster Abbey Road. I think that's a place. They get married there. As a wedding gift, the queen gives them a brand-new royal bed. She says It was surprisingly affordable. In fact, everyone should get a new bed every once in a while since they break pretty easily. Then they have 15 kids, who they never get mad at, and they live happily ever after, and that's how the movie ends. Fade to black. Roll credits.
Bob: Lin, I-I want to say something.
Linda: No, Bob. Let me say it first.
Bob: I'm sorry.
Linda: I'm sorry.
Bob: No, you don't need to apologize. I was the one who was acting like a jerk.
Linda: Yeah, but I could have been nicer about it.
Louise: So, is everyone feeling less crappy, then? 
Linda: Aw, my babies. That was my favorite movie I've never seen.
Bob: Yeah, it was pretty good.
Tina: Are you crying, Dad? 
Bob: No. I uh. My, uh, my ch-cheeks are just sweaty.
Linda: Oh, Bobby. 
Louise: I guess you could kind of say we saved your Valentine's Day, huh?
Linda: Yeah, I guess you did.
Gene: By the way, can I sleep in your bed tonight? 
Bob: Uh, wait. Why? 
Louise: Because we broke Gene's bed jumping on it, and now you probably have to buy him a new one.
Gene: Happy Valentine's Day. Love you, guys. Bye.
Tina: Run, run, run!
Bob: Oh, my God.
Category:Transcripts