Eric Fartman

Eric Fartman is the first episode of Season Alpha.
== Blurb ==
The boys discover a bird with a dirty name and seek it out all while Cartman is filled with laxatives. Meanwhile, the boys' parents are out looking for them, having no clue where they went.
== Characters ==
=== Major ===
* Kyle Broflovski
* Eric Cartman
* Stan Marsh
* Kenny McCormick
=== Supportive ===
* Sheila Broflovski
* Randy Marsh
* Sharon Marsh
* Craig Tucker
*Butters Stotch
*Wendy Testaburger
*Ike Broflovski
=== Minor ===
* Terrance and Phillip
* Shelley Marsh
* Gerald Broflovski
*Liane Cartman
* Carol McCormick
* Stuart McCormick
* Karen McCormick
*Bebe Stevens
*Clyde Donovan
*Kevin McCormick
=== Mentioned/Non-Speaking ===
* Mayor McDaniels
*Tweek Tweak
== Transcript ==
=== SCENE 1 ===
(The scene starts with the boys watching Terrence and Philip at the Marsh home)
Terrence: Hey Philip *farts*
Philip: Hahaha that's a good one buddy!
Terrence: Yeah it even left a shit stain!
All boys: *laughing*
Philip: That is qui- (the show is interrupted by a news broadcast)
News reporter: We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news
All boys: *groaning*
Cartman: Who cares about the fucking news?!
News reporter: The famous bird from the South Park zoo, Cock of the Rock has gone missing
Kyle: Wait, what did they just say…
News reporter: If anyone can find South Park's treasured Cock of the Rock, they could receive 1000$
(There is a brief moment of silence before Kenny breaks it)
Kenny: Cock of the Rock!
All boys: *howling with laughter*
(Shelly, Stan's older sister shows up wondering why they are all laughing)
Shelly: What's so funny you turds?!
Stan: Look at the name of the bird on the news!
(She looks at it and scoffs)
Shelly: You turds are so immature. Get off the TV it's my turn!
Stan: Fine! Kyle let's go to your house!
Kyle: Alright
(They all go to Kyle's house; they arrive and Ike can be seen watching a documentary about birds)
Cartman: Oh great your little brother is hogging the TV here!
Narrator: The tufted titmouse's mating call is quite a shrill one indeed
Kenny: Did he just say tufted titmouse!?
All boys: *laughing even more*
Ike: shhh!!!
Kyle: Come on! Let's see if there are any other funny bird names! (While he says this, Cartman and Ike can be seen shushing each other in the background)
(The boys head over to Kyle's family computer to look up more birds)
Stan: Look there's one called Blue-Footed Booby!
All boys: *giggling*
Cartman: and one named Great Tit!
(More laughter)
Kyle: Oh man I never realized how many birds had such ridiculous names
Sheila (from downstairs): Boys, would you like some cheeseburgers for dinner?
Kyle: Sure, mom!
Stan: Oh and there's Cock of the Rock again
Kyle: *giggling* how much did they say the missing one was worth if it was found?
Kenny: 1000$
Stan: we should find it!
Cartman: I'm going to find it by myself!
Kyle: (to Cartman) No you're not fatass! (Looks back at Stan) I think it's a good idea!
Stan: Let's do it tomorrow!
Sheila: Time to eat!
(They head downstairs to eat)
(While they are getting ready to eat their burgers, Cartman comes up with an idea to put laxatives in Kyle's burger)
Cartman: Hehehehehe (puts it in the burger)
(Kyle notices this and swaps his burger with Cartman's, making the pranker become the pranked)
Cartman: (eats his burger while giggling slightly without noticing what Kyle did)
Kyle: (grins mischievously and then looks around at everyone at the table before whispering,) cock of the rock
(All the boys at the table start giggling)
Kenny: (whispering) tufted titmouse
(They laugh some more)
Gerald: Now what's so funny?
Kyle: um, it's nothing
Stan: (whispering)  yeah, there's nothing like a blue-footed booby
(They laugh even harder)
Sheila: You're clearly talking about something, tell me what it is!
Ike: Birdies!!
Sheila: You're talking about birds?
Kyle: u-um yes!
Gerald: Why are birds funny to you kids?
Kyle: Oh no reason at all! *giggles*
Stan: Yeah, well I'm full and I've got to head home let's meet in the woods behind the school tomorrow
Kenny: Ok! (Takes a few more burgers to eat at home)
Cartman: yeah sure…. Ugh that burger made me feel like shit...
(They leave and Kyle snickers at Cartman's upcoming doom)
=== SCENE 2 ===
(The scene starts with Cartman making his way to the other three boys who are wearing backpacks that are full of bird catching supplies. He looks unwell)
Cartman: Come on, let's move it already!
(They head into the woods and start looking for the bird)
Stan: Here birdy birdy birdy!
Cartman: That's not going to work! That's just uugh… *farts*
Kyle: *giggles*
Stan: What happened to him?
Kyle: (shrugs) must of been something he ate
Sparrow: *chirps*
Kenny: I heard something!
(The boys look around until they spot a sparrow in a tree)
Kyle: Oh it's just a goddamn sparrow
All boys: BOOOOOOOOO!!
Sparrow: (cries while flying away)
Cartman: Ugh this is so stupid, you guys are so fucking stupid uuughh… *farts loudly*
Kyle: he's going to scare the Cock of the Rock away with those
Stan: Let's distance ourselves from him 
(They do just that, except Kenny didn't hear them. Cartman walks past Kenny)
Kenny: (smells it) AAAUUUGHH… (After recovering, he quickens his pace to catch up to Stan and Kyle)
Cartman: (growls in anger and pain)
==== SCENE 2.5 ====
(Broflovski home)
Ike: Kyle!!!! Play with meeee! (He goes into Kyle's room and realizes he's not home) Kyle?
(Marsh home)
Sharon Marsh: Stan, are you going to eat breakfast?
(No response)
Sharon: Stanley?
Randy Marsh: (without even looking away from the TV) He's not here, Sharon
Sharon: What!? Where is he then?
Randy: I dunno
Sharon: You don't know!? Why aren't you looking for him then?!
Randy: I'll do it in a bit, okay?
Sharon: (angry) ugh!!
(McCormick home)
Stuart McCormick: I'm so proud of Kenny for bringing us those delicious burgers 
Carol McCormick: Yes thank you dear Kenny
Karen: Where is Kenny?
(The family looks around and realizes he isn't there)
Carol: Oh, probably with his friends, he does that a lot
(Cartman house)
Liane Cartman: Eric, it's time for breakfast!
(no response)
Liane: Oh he still must be sleeping, rest well my little angel!
=== SCENE 3 ===
(All boys look visibly tired, especially Cartman who is looking really unwell now)
Kyle: I regret doing this!! 
Stan: Me too!
Kenny: Me three!
Cartman: Me- *farts* (whimpers)
Stan: Goddammit are you going to fart after every sentence?!
Cartman: I can't help it, it's…it's uhhh… *farts more*
Kenny: This fucking sucks I want to go home!
Kyle: Yeah let's get the hell out of here (He begins to head back but then realizes he has no idea where he is)
Kyle: Um guys… I don't know where home is
Kenny: Are you serious?!
Stan: Oh shit dude!
Kyle: Don't panic! Maybe if we retrace our steps we co- (trips and begins rolling down a hill) WAHHHHH!!
Stan: Kyle!!!
Kenny: Are you okay!?
Kyle: I'm fine (notices a path in the woods) hey guys I found a path!
Stan: Seriously? That means a person made it, so it has to lead out of the woods!
Kenny: Are you sure?
Stan: What else could make a path that big?
Kenny: (shrugs and follows)
Cartman: Stupid forest stupid birds stupid everything! (Slides down the slope with a fart that lowers in pitch as he goes lower) godammit!
(As Cartman walks off screen a bear can be seen staring at the four boys off in the distance)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
=== SCENE 4 ===
Kyle: Any sign of town?
Stan (holding seeds in his hand): No, but check this out! 
(A titmouse flies from a tree and eats the seeds from Stan's hand, then flies away)
Kenny: Wow!
Kyle: hehe that was a titmouse!
(3 of 4 boys laugh; you know who didn't)
(Another bird is about to land on Stan's hand)
Cartman: (farts)
(Bird flies away, and the three stare at Cartman in annoyance)
Kenny: *sighs* 
Cartman: Guys this isn't my fault! Kyle's bitch of a mother gave us crap burgers!
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch fatass!
Stan: Then how come you're the only one with a bad reaction?!
Cartman: Shut up! I don't know! *Farts* uugghh!!!
Kenny: What if Cartman had sex with a hooker who had a stomach virus and he's too embarrassed to admit he did that?
Stan: I don't think Cartman is that type of person.
Cartman: Ugh if only those goddamn laxatives affected Kyle then I wouldn't be singled out like this!
Stan: You gave Kyle laxatives? When?
Cartman: Last night, I laced his burger with them but he isn't affected instead… 
Cartman: Oh my God…
Kenny: What!?
Cartman: KYLE YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!! *lunges at Kyle and they both start fighting*
Kyle: You bastard! don't blame me for being smarter than you!! 
Stan: Quit it!! Or we will never find our way out of here!
Cartman: I'll stop when Kyle pays for what he did!
Kyle: CARTMAN STOP! *Pushes Cartman aside* Stan is right, we need to keep looking, and if you don't want to do that anymore, then you can find your own way home!
(The three begin to walk onward without Eric but he slowly starts following them at a distance, angrily glaring at them)
=== SCENE 5 (back in South Park) ===
Sheila: Okay so I have gathered you all here today to discuss the disappearance of Kyle, Stan, Eric, and Kenny, does anyone have a clue of where they went?
Sharon: (between tears) I don't know! I'm so worried for my Stanley!
Randy: Guys they're probably just hanging out somewhere they couldn't have gone too far
Craig: No you're wrong
Randy: Huh?
Craig: One time they bribed me into joining their band and ended up getting us sent all the way to Peru
Liane: Is that true!?
Craig: Yep
Gerald: So they could be anywhere in the entire world!?
Carol: Well what are we going to do?
Sheila: Well let's start small, let's split up and search South Park for them, and then if we can't find them, we will get the mayor involved!
Randy: Do we really have to do this?
Sharon: Yes! And you are coming with me! 
Randy: Fine…
Karen: I hope Kenny is okay
Kevin McCormick: Yeah
==== SCENE 5.5 ====
(A search party consisting of Butters, Wendy, and Craig)
Butters: Hey fellas, why were we paired up with each other?
Wendy: They randomly put people together, which I honestly think is a terrible idea.
Craig: I agree, we may be (quotation marks with hands) "on good terms" with each other, but that isn't the same for everyone. Look over there, for example! (Points at Clyde and Bebe annoying the hell out of each other while Tweek just stands there not knowing what to do)
Bebe: For the last time, fuck off!
Clyde: We were forced to do this! Our parents will ground us if we don't!
Butters: My parents said they wouldn't let me eat dinner for a week if I didn't do this.
Craig: (calling out to Tweek) Honey, any luck?
Tweek: (Just shrugs with a worried expression on his face)
Wendy: There's no hope… 
Butters: Well we can't give up yet! We're just getting started!
Ike: Hey!
Craig: Kyle’s brother? What’s he doing without his mom?
Ike: They look for birds!
Butters: Birds? What birds?
Ike: Kyle Kenny Eric and Stan look for cock!
Wendy: What the hell did he just say?
Butters: I think he means rooster!
Craig: Hopefully
Ike: No no no! Cock! Cock of the Rock!
Craig, Butters, and Wendy: (Just stare at each other in confusion)
Ike: Ugh! *facepalms* Follow me!
(They all head to the Broflovski home)
Ike: Look at this! (turns on the TV)
News Reporter: It seems like the entire town is now in search of the zoo’s treasured bird, cock of the rock. This is just a sign of the town coming together t-
Sheila: (Suddenly barges in and interrupts the news reporter): Please anyone in South Park help me find my son Kyle and his friends! I need you to come home Kyle! 
Ike: Mummy noooo… (shakes his head in second-hand embarrassment)
Craig: So they left to go find this missing bird?
News Reporter: *shoves Sheila away* (grunts) Apparently we also have missing kids, adding another layer to this mystery of missi-
Sheila: (interrupts yet again): Yes! They look like this! (Shows the camera the worst possible photos of the boys you could possibly find) Please go out and find them! 
Ike: (Turns the TV off as he couldn’t stand seeing his mom act so dumb any longer) *turns towards the three* See?
Wendy: So they went to go find the bird themselves?
Ike: (nods)
Craig: Well, I guess we have to go where all birds go
Butters: A birdhouse?
Wendy: No, dumbass, the forest!
Butters: Oh right, *laughs* Silly me!
(They leave without Ike to go find the missing boys)
Ike: (Goes on the couch and turns the TV back on, but then switches the channel to watch Dora)
==== SCENE 6 ====
(We are now back to the broship, and it is now starting to get dark)
Kenny: I’m starting to think that this is getting us nowhere.
Stan: Yeah I just feel like we're going deeper!
Kenny: Hehe
Cartman: It’s because we listened to the jew!
Kyle: My religion has nothing to do with this fatass!
Stan: Hey wait a minute, I see a place with no trees up ahead!
Kyle: You’re right!
Kenny: Whoo-hoo!
(They run up to the clearing only to find out that it just leads into more wilderness. It is an open field surrounded by more forest and some mountains can be seen off in the distance.)
Stan: Nevermind, we just got ourselves even more lost…
Kenny: At least the scenery is nice
Cartman: *whimpers*
(Everyone braces for yet another fart from Cartman, but nothing comes out)
Kyle: Uhh, why are we just standing here? Come on, we need to keep moving!
(Kenny and Stan sigh in relief but Cartman’s frown only worsens, alluding to something terrible happening soon)
(Stan is walking along when he comes across an orange feather) 
Stan: Holy shit dude! It’s one of the Cock of the Rock’s feathers!
Kyle: Wait, are you serious!? *picks up the feather to examine it* You’re right! We might actually find it guys!
(The entire group cheers, even Cartman lights up a little)
Stan: Come on everyone, take out your bird seed and start searching! *takes out his own*
(The other three listen to Stan and split up, a new hope surging through each one of the boys. The scene focuses on Cartman, who was trying his best despite the pain coming from his body)
Cartman: Ughhh thank fuck this stupid thing is almost over- *trips on a rock underneath the snow* aaaagghhh!! (When he opens his eyes, he is met face to face with a fresh deer carcass) Eww! *Cartman quickly crawls backwards, getting a better view of the dead animal, and notices something horrible*
Cartman: (screaming like a banshee) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(This scream alerts the other three boys, who quickly go over to where Cartman was)
Kyle: What the hell was that f- AGGH!
Kenny: Oh my god, the Cock of the Rock is dead!
(The scene switches over to show the Cock of the Rock shredded to bits next to the dead deer)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
==== SCENE 7 ====
(Back to Wendy, Craig, and Butters now near the woods looking for the broship, they came more prepared for a night trek as they had brought flashlights and a GPS)
Butters: (Comes running up to the other two, heading from the town) I’ve told as many people as I could to start searchin’ the woods, hopefully they’ll listen!
Wendy: Okay, let’s just get this over with, it’s getting dark, and I'm feeling a bit nervous
(WORK IN PROGRESS)
Category:Episodes
Category:Season Alpha
Category:Moonstar's content