All That Glitters is Not Bloons

"All That Glitters is Not Bloons" is the eighteenth episode of SBFW: Finding Bigfoot, and the eighth episode of the second season. Written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, the episode was first aired on 29th March 2022.
===Synopsis===
Sex Edward bombs at a Brazilian comedy club.
===Transcript===
[The episode starts with a flashback to a younger Conner Malarky, growing a beard reminiscent of Jesus. He is in the middle of the ocean, freely walking across each vast ripple of water.]
Conner Malarky: Jerusalem, here I come! I am here to take back the Holy Land in the name of Malarky! 
[Conner Malarky gazes at the nearby shore, wistfully plotting on the land he is soon to conquer. We then cut to a run-down Brazilian stand-up comedy club, wherein Sex Edward, now in rags, is attempting to perform. His jokes may be lost in translation.]
Sex Edward: Hey, what’s someone who uses the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki called?
[Dead silence from the audience.]
Sex Edward: A NERD!
[He chuckles to himself but is once again met with no reaction from the audience.]
Sex Edward: Okay, okay, I got one you guys’ll like. This joke crosses language barriers, trust me. What do you call it when a screenwriter gets too LIBERAL? A TRANSGENDER-SCRIPT! 
[Sex Edward laughs heartily and slaps his knee before realising no one else is laughing.]
Sex Edward: What? Transphobia isn’t funny in Brazil? No wonder you’re a third-world country. 
[Some of the audience members start to walk out.]
Sex Edward: Oh, come on! Man, you know that Eugene Krabs? What a weirdo! I hope he doesn’t catch me in those big meaty claws!
[The audience react more affirmatively.]
Sex Edward: Oh, you like that, huh? Well, you seen that guy’s daughter? Tell me how on God’s gracious Earth that man knocked up a whale. Better yet, a whole-ass whale came out of there!  No crab in that girl or nothin’! If you look at her, too, you’ll realise that “Pearl” might be overstating it a bit.
[The audience initially laughs, but starts to gasp once Mr. Krabs himself takes to the stage.]
Mr. Krabs: Keep my daughter’s name out ya fuckin’ mouth!
[The audience collectively gasps.]
Sex Edward: Hey, I don’t want any trouble, Mr. Krabapple. I’m just here tellin’ jokes.
[Mr. Krabs snatches the microphone.]
Mr. Krabs: I think the only reason why people are calling this man Sex Edward is because he is having Sex with Edward.
[This dumb homoerotic joke provokes a disproportionate amount of laughter from the audience.]
Sex Edward: Listen, last time I tried to roast someone, Adam Sandler had to go to his own funeral, so I don’t think this is the right thing to do, Eugene.
Mr. Krabs: You’re sayin’ YOU were the person who killed Adam Sandler?
Sex Edward: The washed-up comedy actor? Uh, yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Adam Sandler provided this community with so much funding. He built houses for Rio, sent some of the bloons money downward to the people who needed it the most. Adam Sandler was the face of one of the biggest charities in the country.
[Pan to a sign on the wall of the comedy club saying “STAND-UP COMEDY SPONSORED BY ADAM SANDLER FUND FOR THE CHILDREN IN NEED”.]
Sex Edward: Uh-oh. W-well, at least Mr. Renaud isn’t here! Then the children would really be in need, you know what I mean?
[A tense silence from the audience follows, before the pause is broken by Bigfoot’s appropriately massive foot takes one stomp onto the club and destroys its entire infrastructure, and presumably everyone inside. The scene once again flashes back to a younger Conner Malarky, now in Tel Aviv.]
Conner Malarky: [thinking to himself] I’m here to do what I must do! The Malarky doctrine must be preserved and spread across the whole world for generations! The first step is the Holy Land. [talking to a nearby child] Hey, lil’ kiddo, do you know the way to Jerusalem?
Child: [trembling] I don’t know the exact directions, sir… I know it’s south from here.
Conner Malarky: Hey… [pause] what’s wrong, boy?
Child: K-K-Kirkburn is at our school.
Conner Malarky: Say, who’s this Kirkburn?
[The episode fades to black.]
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Category:SBFW: Finding Bigfoot
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
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Category:JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:Episodes written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:Religion
Category:2020s
Category:Stand-up comedy