Episode 214: Elton John/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 214: Elton John.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Elton John. Elton John? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. John!
Elton 	It's great to be here. Even my lunch likes me.
 	The food on his table swoons over him.
Food 	Oh, Elton! Elton, I love you! Oh, we love you, Elton!
 	He sprinkles salt on the talking food.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Elton John!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf enter their box.
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet unleashes a spray of water.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we're going to have a wonderful show for you tonight. We're all very excited around here because our guest star is one of the world's greatest recording stars. And here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! YAAAAYY!
 	
 	In a crocodile-infested swamp, Elton performs "Crocodile Rock" with the Electric Mayhem. The crocodiles end up dragging him into the water in an attempt to gobble him up.
Waldorf 	(chuckles)
Statler & Waldorf	See you later, alligator! (they chuckle)
==Backstage==
 	The crocs pass Kermit. An amorous Piggy sighs.
Kermit 	Okay, hey, listen guys, how many times have I told you? Never eat the guest stars at the beginning of the show. Huh? Oh, Miss Piggy, is Elton John okay?
Miss Piggy 	Okay? He's fantastic!
Kermit 	Terrific. Uh, Scooter! Scooter! (the Swedish Chef passes by) Oh! Oh, Chef, hey, you're on next.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Kermit 	I know. … I know. … I know!! (the Chef goes onstage) I don't know. Scooter! Scooter! (bumps into a piano)
Scooter 	Uh, yes, chief?
 	
Kermit 	Uh, Scooter, what are you doing with this piano?
Scooter 	Oh, I found this song for Elton John. He's just gotta hear it.
Kermit 	He don't gotta hear it.
Scooter 	Gee, my uncle who owns this theater wanted him to hear it.
Kermit 	Uh, where do you want the piano?
Scooter 	Upstairs in Elton John's dressing room.
Kermit 	You got it.
 	They both start moving it.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with two wooden spoons and a chicken in a box.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
Chicken 	(with Chef) Bawk bawk bawk.
 	He tosses the spoons and tickles the chicken.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de chïckëe … coøchëe-coøchëe-coøchëe, chïckëe-bøo …
 	He displays a frying pan.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … ëgg du Chëf. Ëgg du Chëf.
 	He addresses the chicken and points to the pot. The chicken starts clucking. The Chef looks under the chicken and finds a ping-pong ball.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de ëgg? (bounces it) … es nür de ëgg, de pïng-pøng båll!
 	
 	He commands the chicken to lay an egg. The chicken clucks again. The Chef looks under the chicken and finds two more ping-pong balls.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … nø ëgg du Chëf … chïckëe du Chëf!
 	He salts the chicken, then chases it around the kitchen with the frying pan. He briefly strums the pan like a ukulele, then the chase resumes.
Waldorf 	Hey. Let's sneak out and have a pizza.
 	Statler nods. They sneak out.
==Dressing room==
Elton 	Kermit, uh, I know you like to make your guests feel at home on the show, but don't you think a piano in the dressing room is overdoing it a little?
Kermit 	Oh. Well, you see, I've been meaning to talk to you about this piano. Uh, you see, we've got a gofer around here and, uh...
 	
Elton 	We've had frogs, chickens and now a gopher?
Kermit 	Uh, oh yeah, you see, that's an old theatrical term. A gofer is somebody you have around to "go fer" coffee. Isn't that interesting?
Elton 	No.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, you see, this gofer of ours, uh, well, he's found a song he wants you to do on the show.
Elton 	Mm. Oh, Kermit, I thought you were more professional than that.
Kermit 	Oh, I'm— I'm sorry, Elton, but the kid has taste, he's got talent, and he's got an uncle who owns the theater. Please? Oh, please!
Elton 	Okay, okay, let's hear it.
Kermit 	Okay, Scooter, come on in! Get it over with.
 	Scooter and the other Muppets rush in.
Scooter	Okay, chief. Come on, Elton, sit down. Make yourself comfortable. You'll love it! Ready? One two three four!
 	Scooter starts playing the piano and the Muppets all start singing out of tune.
Elton 	Hold it! Stop! Hold it!
Kermit 	Hold it, hold it. Scooter, I told — I told you you Elton wouldn't like that song. That song is tasteless. That song has no melody. That — isn't — isn't that the worst song you've ever heard, Elton?
Elton 	Well, I didn't think so when I wrote it.
Kermit 	You wrote that song?
Elton 	Yep.
Kermit 	Oh. It's a rather interesting song. It's got a nice little melody. (hums)
Elton 	You really hated it, huh?
Kermit 	Well, uh... yeah.
Elton 	Well, it can sound different.
Scooter	It can?
Elton 	Yeah, let me show you.
Kermit 	Let's hear it.
 	
 	Elton performs "Bennie and the Jets". The Muppets join in.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on Piggy attempting to blow up the balloon pump through a tube. She makes her way to the table, hiccuping.
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Janice 	Here's the next patient, Dr. Bob.
 	Rowlf uncovers Baskerville on the table.
Rowlf 	It's a dog! I hope he doesn't have fleas.
Miss Piggy	Why not?
Rowlf 	I hate to start from scratch.
 	They all laugh.
 	
Janice 	What kind of dog is he, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Ask him what time it is.
Janice 	Why?
Rowlf 	He might be a watch dog.
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	Of course, he could be a guard dog. You know, I know a woman who was once attacked by her own guard dog.
Miss Piggy	Doberman pinscher?
Rowlf 	No, Doberman bit her!
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	Hey, where did you find him?
Janice 	At the lost and hound department.
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	Oh, I wish he was a dachshund.
Janice 	Why?
Rowlf 	I'd like to get a long little doggy.
 	They all laugh.
Announcer 	And so once again, Dr. Bob has taken the bulldog by the horns. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, I think the patient is running a fever.
Rowlf 	Oh! Well, go get some mustard.
Miss Piggy	Mustard?
Rowlf 	That's what you always put on a hot dog.
 	Piggy and Janice groan and walk away.
==UK spot==
	
	Kermit, Fozzie and a pair of Whatnots sing "Any Old Iron".
=="Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"==
Scooter	Ladies and gentlemen...
 	
 	The Chef chases the chicken across the stage, now holding a meat cleaver.
Scooter	Anyway, Kermit's allowed me to do an introduction to our guest star tonight. But I promised not to get carried away, so I'll be very understated. Here he is, the greatest talent in the history of the universe, Elton John! YAAAYYY!
 	
 	Elton and the Electric Mayhem perform "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road."
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the intangible Link Hogthrob … the redoubtable Miss Piggy … and the sanctimonious Dr. Strangepork. As we left the Swinetrek last time, the crew had just been overcome with a fearful attack of boredom.
 	They all sigh.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space. A pig could go mad.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	We only blasted off twenty minutes ago.
 	
Link Hogthrob 	That long? At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all my favorite bowling shows.
Miss Piggy 	You — you and your bowling shows. (to audience) He cries at the sad parts.
 	Strangepork laughs. A red light bulb flashes.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, Doctor.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Hmm?
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, what does that red light mean?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, the red light means stop, the green light means go, the yellow light—
Miss Piggy 	No, no, no, no. Not traffic lights, you twit. That light on the console.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, THAT light. That means we've been invaded by alien beings.
Link Hogthrob 	(with Piggy, bored) Oh. (startled) WHAT?!?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yes, even now hideous creatures of some sort are roaming the ship!
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh, help! Do something, Miss Piggy! If they're like snakes I'll scream!
Miss Piggy 	You're the captain, fatso!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	According to the sensors, there are two creatures!
Link Hogthrob 	Two? Two snakes? I'll just die! (hides behind Piggy)
Miss Piggy 	Will you please?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yes, here's the read-out. One is very frightened and has feathers. The other speaks some sort of strange Scandinavian tongue.
 	
 	The Swedish Chef enters, still chasing the chicken around the ship.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Aliens! Alien beings in the control room! Alien beings in the control room! Help! Oh, they're hideous creatures loose in the control room!
 	They leave. The boredom returns.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, they're gone.
Miss Piggy 	Somehow, I miss them.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh, the endless sameness of eternal space.
 	They all sigh.
Announcer 	Tune in next week and be bored again by PIGS… IN… SPACE!
==Backstage==
 	The chicken, now holding the meat cleaver, chases the Chef past Kermit.
Sam the Eagle	Kermit. About this Elton John.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Sam the Eagle	I have seen some pretty weird guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary.
Kermit 	Uh, well, Sam, Elton John is a very important musician.
Sam the Eagle	Then why does he dress like a stolen car?
Kermit 	Uh, Sam, musicians have always been fancy dressers.
Sam the Eagle	Mozart wasn't.
Kermit 	Mozart wore high heels and wigs and silk stockings.
Sam the Eagle	(shocked) Hold your little green tongue!
Kermit 	It's true, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	Huh — if Mozart wore high heels, wigs and stockings, I'll eat my hat.
Kermit 	And uh, give Elton John a big introduction?
Sam the Eagle	(slaps the table) That, too.
 	
Scooter 	Hey, guys! Look at this great picture of Mozart Elton John gave me! Love those high heels and silk stockings.
Sam the Eagle	What?
Scooter 	Sam, you know, you'd look great in a powdered wig.
Sam the Eagle	Good grief! I've been hornswoggled.
Scooter 	Okay guys, come on in!
 	Some Whatnots enter with a dressing board. Kermit joins them as they shove Sam behind it.
=="Don't Go Breaking My Heart"==
 	Main stage. Sam is pushed onstage, wearing a flashy outfit.
Sam the Eagle 	Do I have to do this?
Kermit 	Yes, you do, Sam. A bet is a bet.
 	
Sam the Eagle 	All right. Um, let's see. (reads from a paper) "I am proud to introduce one of the great names in popular music. One of my all time favorites…" (tosses it) Elton John.
Kermit 	And?
Sam the Eagle 	All right.
 	He starts eating his hat as he and Kermit walk offstage. The curtain opens on Elton, backed by the Mayhem.
Elton 	All right! There's a wonderful lady that I have always wanted to work and sing with. So will you please give a great reception to the fantastic Miss Piggy!
 	Applause as she emerges.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, thank you! Kissy, kissy! Kissy to you all! Oh, Elton, have you been waiting long, poopsie?
Elton 	It seems like an eternity.
Miss Piggy 	Of course it does. Ready!
Elton 	Um-hmm!
 	
 	They do a duet of "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart".
Miss Piggy 	(midway) Eat your heart out, Kiki!
 	She showers him with kissy-kissys. Applause.
 	
Statler & Waldorf	(cheering)
Statler 	Hey, we look like members of the rock age.
Waldorf 	No, we look more like members of the Stone Age.
 	They chuckle.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit and the rest of the gang have adopted Elton's bizarre sense of style.
Kermit 	Well, that's about all the time we have. Boy, are we gonna have some wardrobe bill.
Scooter	But we're gonna save on the light bill.
Kermit 	That's true. Hey, but once again, let's bring out our special guest star and the man who caused all this, Mr. Elton John! Yaaayy!
 	Applause. Elton emerges in a normal outfit, much to the shock of the Muppets.
Scooter	Boy, Elton, you look weird!
 	
Elton 	Well, you guys are all dressed like stolen cars.
Kermit 	Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The banter continues as the credits roll.
Statler	Well, what did you think?
 	
 	The frightened Chef pops up and runs away from the cleaver-wielding chicken.
Waldorf	I hate running gags!
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts