Travis' Travels

Travis' Travels is the second episode of the mini-series SBFW Crossing.
== Transcript ==
(the episode opens with Purple and Matchy sitting on the Hoopland dock)
Purple: Y'know Matchy, island life isn't all that bad. Especially since we all have houses now. Those tents were so uncomfortable.
Matchy: Yeah, that raccoon is one tight bastard. I'd choose this over prison any day, mind you. Tax evasion for the win!
Purple: Exactly, my child!
Matchy: What did you just call me?
Purple: (goes red) Um…
(Granite runs towards them)
Granite: GUYS! YOU GOTTA COME SEE THIS!
(cut to all the islanders standing around a rock)
Matchy: So, what happened again?
Crazy: Well I was going 'round hitting rocks with my flimsy shovel-
Purple: as you do.
Crazy: As you do. I need more iron nuggets for crying out loud!
SpongeBot: Man, I was up all night getting them.
Crazy: Anyway, I was hitting this rock with my shovel, and I swear I'm not high, but a load of money came out!
Polar: You mean, you hit the rock with your shovel, and money came out?
Crazy: Yes!!
Jasbre: (smirks) You're crazy.
Crazy: And you're Jasbre.
Purple: Alright then, prove it!
Polar: (holding a shovel) I'll do it! I like money! (she hits the rock with her shovel but nothing happens, everyone stares at the rock for a few seconds)
Matchy: Crazy, we know you like attention, but lying about-
Granite: He's not lying! I saw it!
Crazy: I got a whole 16,000 smackaroons before it suddenly stopped giving out any more!
Polar: 16 GRAND??!!
Crazy: Yeah!
SpongeBot: But we're on a desert island! Who the hell would hide 16 grand underneath a rock?
Jasbre: This must be another one of Tom Nook's games…
Matchy: I will never understand that guy…
Granite: Maybe if we come back tomorrow there'll be more money underneath another rock?
SpongeBot: I doubt it.
(Timmy and Tommy approach them)
Timmy: Excuse me, if we could have your attention-
Tommy: -our fearless leader will be making a speech in the plaza!
Jasbre: For f**k's sake! Can't we do anything without there being a newsflash every five seconds?
Polar: Well, the game's developed by the same people who made Splatoon.
Jasbre: That means nothing to me.
Crazy: (sighs) Come on then, guys…
(they all make their way to the plaza - Jasbre takes down several pieces of anti-Jasbre propaganda on the way)
Tom: Good morning, everyone! It is currently 10:25 in Hoopland.
Jasbre: We know what the time is, damn fool.
Tom: Right, um, I'm so glad you've all settled into your new island life and I'm glad to announce the arrival of my good friend Blathers!
Blathers: Greetings homosapiens! ...and duck. My name is Blathers and I'm here to open up a museum.
(silence)
Matchy: We've been on this island for a couple of days and the first thing we decide to build apart from our own houses is a f**king museum?!
(more silence)
Tom: Anyway, in further news, I'd like to announce the arrival of two new Hoopland villagers: Lock and Prim!
(a bear called Lock and an orange cat called Prim step forward)
Lock: WOCKA-WOCKA!
Prim: Hi guys!
SpongeBot: Nice to meet you both! I'm, uh, SpongeBot.
Prim: I'm Prim.
Granite: Isn't that a girl's name?
Crazy: (sarcastically) I dunno, let's ask Polar.
Polar: (changing the subject) Hey, um, where's Matchy?
(cut to Matchy maniacally laughing as she paints some more anti-Jasbre propaganda on a canvas on the beach)
Matchy: Let's see how they like this!
(a strange man washes up on the shore)
Matchy: Holy f**k! It's a guy!
(Matchy runs to the plaza)
Matchy: HEY, GUYS! THERE'S A- (looks at Lock and Prim) who the hell are these people?
(cut to everyone except the Nooks on the beach)
Purple: You mean he just washed up?
Matchy: Yeah.
Crazy: (feels the man's pulse) F**k! He's alive!
Polar: That's a good thing, you EEJIT!
Crazy: But it'd be cooler if he, she, it or whatever was dead...
Travis: (muttering) bernie should've won…
SpongeBot: He's awake.
Jasbre: (looking at the propaganda) 'ey Matchy, what's this?
(pause)
Matchy: Nothing.
(Crazy pokes the man)
Travis: (muttering) if jeremy corbyn loses the uk election ill have no choice but to change the name of british fish productions
(Crazy pokes him again)
Travis: (muttering) don't let your wives and girlfriends find out about justfap.com…
Granite: What's he saying?
Crazy: (writing something down on a notepad) Nothing…
Travis: (gets up) Wha- where am I? This isn't Hooters…
Polar: jxqzev pqlm cxmmfkd fk zixpp
Travis: Yes! I'm on an island! With an angry tribe! I could use this to my advantage… (coughs) Greetings damn fools and blasted buffoons, I am your new lead-
Lock: We speak English.
SpongeBot: And we're not a tribe either.
Crazy: (feeling content with the following statement) We're zoomers.
Travis: Ah, yes, I can-
Crazy: Are you Jesus?
Travis: Uh, yes, actually.
Crazy: Cool!
Granite: What are you doing here?
Travis: I, uh- (he pinches himself) F**K YOU, CLAYTON! I'M AWAKE!
Jasbre: (whispering to Matchy) This guy's deluded…
Travis: Welp, at least I can check being a castaway off my bucket list.
Prim: Who are you?
Travis: The name's Penile. Travis Penile. I was getting pissed and doing some other unimportant stuff on a cruise with Paul, Timothy Peppermint, Bronylord64, Leo, Clayton and- I remember now! Clayton pushed me off! And now, (sighs) I'm here apparently.
Lock: Well, I mean we could use some more company.
Travis: (laughs) I'm not becoming a native here! I only have enough sex jokes to last a couple of hours... No, no, I'm going back with good ol' Paul, he taught me everything I know! (gets his phone out) I'll just text them and they'll have to come back for me- (he realises his phone is smashed) shit.
(cut to Crazy entering a tent holding a couple of fish, Blathers is inside asleep so Crazy wakes him up)
Crazy: Uh, Mr. Blathers?
Blathers: (yawning) Hooooo…. WHO?! Oh dear, pardon me. I'm a bit of a night owl, you know. You're Crazy, right?
Crazy: It's an unfortunate name, my parents are drug dealers.
Blathers: Really? Mine too! I have a sister called Celeste but they apparently couldn't be bothered to name me something cool like that. It could be worse though, they could've named me just "Owl" or "Mr. Owl" or "Pigwidgeon". Actually, I wouldn't mind being called the latter, he's the most underrated Harry Potter character - I was pissed when they cut him from the films!
Crazy: (sarcastically) Yes, the name "Blathers" doesn't suit you at all. Anyway, I've got some fish, you know, for the museum.
Blathers: Marvelous! Hand them over.
(Crazy hands the fish over)
Blathers: Yes, yes, I can see you have a face, koi and a dab. I am quite knowledgeable on these things, you know. I never thought I'd lay my eyes on a such well preserved dab! Would you like to hear a few interesting facts about your dab?
Crazy: Not really.
Blathers: o
Crazy: I would have thought a museum would be more interested in displaying dinosaurs and world war bombs. But to each their own.
Blathers: Well, I do intend on displaying fossils, I have found that they are plentiful on this island for some reason. That's mainly why I'm here. And for the bombs, I don't believe a war has occured on this island.
Crazy: (writing something on his notepad) Yet.
Blathers: By the way, I take it I have your permission to add these to the museum once it opens?
Crazy: Of course!
(Prim enters)
Prim: Hey, Blathers? I've got a few bugs for the-
(Blathers screams and takes out an AK-47 to death)
Crazy: (slowly backing off) Um, I'm gonna go now.
Blathers: (intensely breathing in and out) Yeah, you, uh (pause), yeah you go do that.
(cut to Travis knocking on Lock's door)
Lock: (answers) Hello?
Travis: Excuse me, do you have any tissues?
Lock: no, what the hell
Travis: Also, could I borrow your vaccum cleaner while we're here?
(cut to everyone except Travis in the plaza)
Lock: Okay, he's got to go! He came up to my door like a creep earlier and asked for some tissues!
Granite: What's wrong with that?
Polar: I was in the shower earlier too, and I turn around and there he is!
Granite: Maybe he was lost?
SpongeBot: The point is, we need to get rid of him!
Purple: He's terrorising us all!
Granite: Maybe he's bored?
Crazy: Granite's got a point though. Sometimes when I'm- (pause) nevermind.
(cut to Jasbre and Matchy sitting on a swinging bench)
Matchy: You made this yourself?
Jasbre: Well, yeah. Just get some wood from a tree and a crafting table and Bob's your uncle!
Matchy: (playful) Crafting table?
Jasbre: Heh, sorry. I guess I've just been playing Minecraft too much.
Matchy: You play that too?!
Jasbre: I mean, I thought everyone did.
(they both laugh as the camera pans out to Granite and SpongeBot watching)
Granite: Looks like they're finally getting along.
Jasbre: Right, Matchy. I'm gonna go and earn some Nook Miles. I'll see you later.
(he walks off)
Matchy: Bye.
(Matchy approaches Granite and SpongeBot)
Matchy: Did you see him trying to act all cool like that? He thinks he's better than me!
SpongeBot: (to Granite) You spoke too soon.
Granite: C'mon, Matchy, you know you like him really!
(pause)
Matchy: Yeah, fine, whatever. We just got in a fight years ago and I guess I'm reluctant to let go.
Granite: By the way, what are Nook Miles?
Matchy: You don't know what Nook Miles are?
SpongeBot: Didn't ol' Nook tell you?
Matchy: I guess they're basically like Xbox Live achievements. You download the app on your phone and you get points for sometimes oddly specific tasks.
SpongeBot: The best part though is that you can cash your Miles in for goodies!
Granite: Oh boy! I want a goodie!
Matchy: Calm down, Gran.
Granite: Please don't call me that
SpongeBot: Nook Miles are really hard to get. You can sometimes go for days without getting any.
Matchy: Yeah they're really- (looks down) oh look! (she pulls up a weed from the ground) Stupid weed. (her phone goes off)
Granite: What's that?
Matchy: (checking her phone) Yes! I just got a thousand Nook Miles!
(cut to Travis pacing around on the beach)
Travis: ♪Triplets born, the throne awaits, a seer warns of a deadly fate-
Lock: OK, Travis, can you please stop doing that?
(Travis stops and looks at him)
Travis: Have you ever found yourself stuck on a deserted island before?
Prim: I mean, yeah, we're on one right now.
Travis: Don't get smart with me!
Polar: Didn't you die earlier?
Prim: uh
Travis: Hey! Why aren't you talking about me? I might never see anyone I know ever again! My friends will be worried sick about me!
(cut to Travis' friends partying on the cruise without him - they then suddenly all stop)
Mr. Renaud: Wait a sec, isn't someone missing?
(pause)
All: Nah!
Mr. Renaud: Who's in the mood to shoot a dirty video?
(cut back to the island)
Travis: I mean, I tie the whole friendship circle together!
Purple: OK, um, what are your friends' phone numbers?
Travis: I don't have them memorised, you damn fool! Who does that? Some weird intellect?
(cut to Blathers on the phone)
Blathers: Yes, Celeste, their number is 0800-
(cut back to Travis)
Travis: (sits down) I'll just have to face it. I'm stuck here forever! (gets his phone out) Only if my crappy phone wasn't broken. I knew I shouldn't have gotten the XR…
Polar: (picking up Travis' phone) Lemme see. (pause) It just looks like some of the parts have come out. They must be on the shore somewhere. If we find them then we can fix it!
Travis: Pretty sure that's not how it works-
Prim: (carrying a couple of parts) Are these them?
Purple: (putting them back in the phone) I think so. (he turns the phone on) Oh, look! It's turning on!
Travis: but that doesn't make any logical-
Polar: DON'T QUESTION ANIMAL CROSSING LOGIC!
Purple: (handing the phone back to Travis) Here you go, mate.
Travis: YES!! (he sends a text message to Paul Renaud) They'll come back for me in no time!
(Travis sits down on the spot and stares at the horizon - we then cut to the middle of the night where Travis is still in the same spot but now accompanied by the other islanders standing behind him)
Travis: This checkmark here means they've read the message, right?
(fast forward to the sun rising)
Travis: They're just getting ready for my arrival, that's all.
(after a pause a cruise ship arrives at the dock - everyone celebrates)
Lock & Prim: (dancing around in a circle) He's going, he's going!
(several of Travis' friends get off the ship)
Mr. Renaud: Ah, if it isn't my favourite pupil!
Travis: (hugging Mr. Renaud) You came back for me!
Timothy: Unfortunately.
Mr. Renaud: (chuckles) The tapes just aren't the same without you, my boy!
Travis: The CPTV tapes or the other ones?
Joseph: Travis, we gotta go now.
Clayton: Yeah.
Travis: (gives Clayton the middle finger) Okay…
(they all get back on the cruise and sail off)
Crazy: Bye Jesus!
Prim: (sarcastically) Missing you already!
(Travis and his friends wave to everyone - Crazy runs off)
Purple: Crazy, where are you going?
Granite: (gasps) The money rock!
(they all chase after Crazy and the scene fades into nighttime where Travis washes up upon the shore again)
== Trivia ==
*The title is a reference to the 18th-century novel Gulliver's Travels. Travis' character in the episode plays the role usually filled by a character named Gulliver in the games.
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