A Fly Exchange

A Fly Exchange is the eleventh episode of season three, and the twenty-sixth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on October 24, 2020.
== Plot ==
Mike Pence, Kamala Harris, Vanessa Cactus, Travis Pineapple, and Vladimir Putin fight in the only vice presidential debate of this election.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at the Bikini Bottom Adult Learning Center auditorium, with Mrs. Harris, Mr. Pence, Mr. Biden, and Mr. Putin on the debate stage, each of them separated by plexiglass. Mr. Renaud can be seen at the moderating table.]
Mr. Renaud: [speaking towards the camera] Welcome, Bikini Bottom, to the only Vice Presidential Debate. I’m Paul Renaud, and I’ll be the moderator this evening. This is a historic debate, as the incumbent Vice President is competing against a foreign head of state, Shell City President and Prime Minister for life Vladimir Putin, as well as three women: Bikini Bottom Senator Kamala Harris, CPTV UK Associate Vanessa Cactus, and my favorite student, Travis Pineapple!
Mr. Biden: Yay! [unzips pants]
Mr. Trump: WAIT A MINUTE! Joe, what are you doing here?! This is the vice presidential debate, don’t you remember?!
Mr. Biden: I know! I’m your running mate!
[Suddenly, Mr. Trump enters the stage.]
Mr. Trump: WHAT?! I thought I was your running mate, Paul! 
Mr. Renaud: Neither of you are my running mate! My running mate is none other than the lovely Ms. Cactus - where is she, anyway?
[Suddenly, Ms. Cactus enters the stage.] 
Mrs. Cactus: Sorry I’m late! I was with a lovely high school girl named Travis. 
[Mr. Pineapple enters the stage.]
Mr. Biden: Hey, she’s mine! Get your own high school girl! 
Mr. Trump: Paul, this is totally unbelievable. How could you pick a rookie like her over me, a well-seasoned professional in the art of raping children?
Mr. Renaud: Well, you two were already running, and I thought it’d be good to help lift up some newer voices within the MAP community. 
Mr. Trump: You know, a boater would’ve never betrayed me like this. Come on, Joe, let’s go find ourselves another high school girl. 
[Mr. Trump and Mr. Biden exit the stage.] 
Mr. Renaud: Alright, let’s get this debate started! First question: What is your view on pedophilia?
Mrs. Harris: Well, you know, as Attorney General I refused to cooperate with victims of Catholic Church child abuse, so I think that tells you all you need to know about my position on the issue. 
Mr. Pence: As long as it’s straight! 
Mr. Putin: And Russian!
Mr. Pineapple: Personally I would prefer it if politicians could stop raping me. 
Mr. Renaud: Now where’s the fun in that?
[Suddenly, Mrs. Plankton enters the room.] 
Mrs. Plankton: Sorry I’m late, I was with a lonely sandwich thief named Sheldon—WAIT A MINUTE! What are you doing here? I’m the moderator here! 
Mr. Renaud: You were taking too long! The show had to go on!
Mrs. Plankton: SECURITY! 
[Suddenly two security guards enter the room, escorting Mr. Renaud out.]
Mrs. Plankton: [speaking towards the camera] Good evening, Bikini Bottom, I’m Karen Plankton, your actual moderator this evening. I guess Paul already introduced everyone, so let’s start with the first question, which is directed at incumbent Vice President Mike Pence.
Mr. Pence: Bring it on, Karen!
Mrs. Plankton: As we all know, President Trump almost died from the Plague—
Mr. Pence: [leans into his microphone] Wrong.
Mrs. Plankton: Reports say that he was on life support and went in and out of consciousness—
Mr. Pence: FAKE NEWS!
Mrs. Plankton: If you’re going to act like our President, why did he never temporarily transfer power to you during his hospital stay? Did he believe you were unprepared for the job?
Mr. Pence: [leans into his microphone] Wrong. I’m 100% prepared for the job. On my first day, I will round up every single homosexual in Bikini Bottom and put them in camps where we could electrocute them.
Mr. Putin: That’s what all you Republicans say, but once you’re in power, you just sell out to the gay lobby! In Russia, where I’m already in power, there is no gay lobby, as there’s no such thing as a gay Russian!
Mr. Pence: If you already run a foreign country, why are you here?
Ms. Pineapple: Pft, says the imperialist. You don’t have any problem with Bikini Bottom running puppet states and stealing their resources.
Mr. Pence: Now what’s wrong with that?
Mr. Putin: Bikini Bottomite imperialism is a disgrace—
Mr. Pineapple: What Mr. Putin said!
Mr. Putin: The only country that should be imperializing is Russia!
Mr. Pineapple: You mean the Soviet Union, right?
Mr. Putin: Perhaps...
Mr. Pineapple: Great!
Mrs. Plankton: I must ask, Mr. Putin, what is your obsession with Russia?
Mr. Pence: Aren’t you President of Shell City?
Mr. Putin: Aren’t you a damn fool?
Mrs. Plankton: Cease the personal attacks.
Mrs. Harris: While all these extremists bicker about whatever, Joe and I have a plan to combat the Plague and ensure that everything will be back to normal, and I mean everything, including keeping the working class at the whims of their employers.
Mr. Pence: Oh shut up, you and Joe are just politicizing the Plague! Stop playing politics with people’s lives!
Mr. Pineapple: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection
Mr. Pence: Be quiet, you homosexual! Communists like you created the Plague!
Mr. Pineapple: It’s so beautiful how many Bikini Bottomites have been killed by this, perfect punishment for all the crimes against humanity Bikini Bottom has committed throughout its history!
Mr. Pence: Quite frankly, Kamala, your plan is pretty much ours. It’s nothing but plagiarism, something I’m sure Joe knows a little about.
Mr. Pineapple: I, on the other hand, know a lot about plagiarism! It’s how I passed Environmental Science class last quarter!
Mr. R’Onion: [shouts from the audience] TRAVIS!
Mr. Pineapple: Damnit.
Mrs. Plankton: Ms. Cactus, what’s your administration’s plan?
Ms. Cactus: As with anything else, Paul and I believe the government shouldn’t impose any restrictions to “combat the Plague”, which includes stay-at-home orders, and shutting down businesses, especially businesses that produce child porn!
Mrs. Plankton: Moving on. Mrs. Harris, many are disappointed at your decision to be Mr. Biden’s running mate. For example, last year you attacked him for opposing desegregation busing in the 70s.
Mrs. Harris: Pft, that’s just politics.
Mrs. Plankton: Well, you said you were personally affected by his actions.
Mrs. Harris: Pft, that’s just politics.
Mr. Banana: [shouts out from the audience] Kamala shouldn’t be Joe’s running mate!
Mrs. Harris: Look, Joe has had a bit of a rocky past, but right now he’s the best for the job, and that’s why I’m with him—
Mr. Banana: No! I’ll always support Joe, but I’ll never support you! How dare you attack Joe Biden last year! If you ever criticize Joe, you like Trump!
Mr. Pineapple: I don’t exactly consider writing and voting for a whole range of racist laws to be “a bit of a rocky past”, but you’ve been enforcing all those laws, so what do you know?
[Suddenly, a fly enters the auditorium and lands on Mr. Pence’s head.]
Mr. Fly: Greetings.
Mrs. Plankton: Greetings.
Mrs. Harris: Greetings.
Mr. Pineapple: Greetings.
Mr. Putin: Greetings.
Mr. Pence: Huh?
Mrs. Plankton: Now, here is the final question. This was written by Timothy Pepperchicken, a student at Bikini Bottom High School—
Mrs. Harris: Isn’t he also a presidential candidate?
Mrs. Plankton: NO INTERRUPTIONS! On to the question: Am I, Timothy Pepperchicken, an evil man?
Mr. Pence: Yes.
Mrs. Harris: Yes.
Ms. Cactus: Yes.
Mr. Pineapple: Yes.
Mr. Fly: Yes.
Mr. Putin: Yes, and I like it!
Mrs. Plankton: Very well then. I’m happy this debate ended with something everyone agrees on.
[The episode ends with the TV turning off]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season