Kim Kardashian: Cancer Sympathizer/Transcript

This is the transcript of "Kim Kardashian: Cancer Sympathizer", the 92nd episode of comedy web series "A Dose Of Buckley" uploaded to the official website, as well as Youtube channel on September 10th, 2012.
==Transcript==
I've left Kim Kardashian alone up until this point, because, quite frankly, I don't want to legitimize her as an actual topic of discussion. She's nobody. A rich girl with really no actual talent to speak of, who's become famous because humans are pathetic creatures and will pretty much watch anything you put on TV.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians has been on for seven seasons. Seven seasons, and has been renewed for at least two more.
I don't get why, though. Why does anyone care about the lives of these people?
This is a serious question. Do people watch it to feel better about their own lives, seeing that so-called celebrities have problems too, sometimes the same problems non-celebrities have? Or is it the "train wreck" effect? People just can't turn away from a disaster, no matter how gruesome it is, they gotta look.
Regardless of the answer, Kim Kardashian is your pretty typical celebutante, a little rich girl who became famous by fucking a guy on camera, and has spun that off into having a TV show. She's basically living Paris Hilton's life.
And the reason I can't keep silent about her anymore is because of the statement she made recently regarding the end of her 72 day sham marriage to basketball player Kris Humphries. The girl was married for just over two months, didn't even know the guy for a year, and she's been fucking crying about it for almost a year.
The goddamn marriage ended in the fall of 2011, and she recently made this statement to the UK newspaper The Guardian regarding her marriage ending.
"Like, I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She's 18. And I was like, that's how I feel."
That's how you feel? You feel like an eighteen year old girl who's going through one of the most horrifying experiences a teenager could go through, thinking that their life may end before they even turn twenty.
You fucking, stupid bitch.
You marrying someone without really knowing him does not compare even slightly to going through chemo, surgery and the constant thought that every breath could be your last. Every problem you have, you've brought on yourself.
You didn't learn sweet dick all about life, because you're still doing the exact same thing - dating another celebrity in the public eye for the sake of ratings and keeping up appearances.
And if you don't know who your real friends are, that's your fault. If you get married to guy after knowing him for ten months and it doesn't work out, that's your fault. If a sex tape of you fucking Ray J leaks, that's your fault!
Unless the eighteen year old girl was smoking twelve packs of cigarettes a day since she was ten, or chose to take daily showers in toxic waste, it's pretty fucking unlikely that the cancer is her fault.
If her friends abandoned her, that's because they're fucking terrible human beings. If your friends abandoned you, that's because they finally smartened up. This is about as bad as the time Twilight actress Kristen Stewart, compared having pictures taken of her by the paparazzi to being raped.
Flashback to an "Kristen Stewart" episode of ADOB
She did an interview recently with Elle magazine, the source, I'm sure, for poignant and thought provoking discussions with the great minds of our modern day, where she talked about paparazzi photos of herself. In the interview, she says, and I'm quoting:
"The photos are so...I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped. A lot of times, I can't handle it. It's fucked. I never expected that this would be my life.
I think it would be a good idea if certain celebrities basically had a team of writers working for them, and scripted their every word, because it's clear that they aren't capable of speaking for themselves.
I get it that for some reason, people are interested in the lives of these people, and newspapers, TV, and radio hosts want to interview them so they can turn around and sell advertisements around it and whatnot, but is it too much to ask that celebrities put a little bit of thought into the shit that they spew out of their face?
On a second thought, yeah, it probably is.
Either way, Kim, shut the fuck up. You have no idea how an eighteen year old cancer patient feels.
Go buy another $5000 dress and $2000 pair of heels, and continue your cycle of shitty celebrity relationships, until you're old and used up and no one gives a shit about you, a day that can't come soon enough.
Category:Transcripts