The Funfair Begins

The Funfair Begins is the first episode of The Krusty Krab UNFAIR! Charity. It was written by CrazySponge, FireMatch, Danzxvfan8275, JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, CartoonGuy277, Cicicity, and PolarTem.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with Squidward sulking in front of the cash register.]
Squidward: It’s just not fair. I can’t be working at this grease dump for the rest of my miserable life. I need to make a stand, specifically on my third leg.
[The bell on the counter rings.]
SpongeBob: Orrrrddeeerr up, Squidward!
Squidward: And that’s exactly the reason why.
SpongeBob: Oh, come on, Squidward, our job is great! The sizzling patties, the flipping of the spatula, the customers...
[Cut to Fred very obnoxiously chowing down on a Krabby Patty, and cut back to Squidward.]
Squidward: And that’s exactly why I hate this place.
SpongeBob: It’ll be fun, just you and me, making the people of Bikini Bottom happy, forever!
Squidward: Forever. I can’t believe Mr. Krabs would do that to us.
SpongeBob: Well, the strike was your idea. A great one at that. Say Squidward, how long is forever anyway?
Squidward: [sighs] I don't really want to think about it. Until death probably. And then the necrophiliacs come.
SpongeBob: What's death?
Squidward: Something that will hopefully happen to you soon.
SpongeBob: Oh cool!
Squidward: Hmph. I want to make a stand so badly, but after what happened with that strike, it seems hopeless. No one wants to pay attention to me.
SpongeBob: I pay sexual attention to you, Squidward!
Squidward: How unfortunate.
SpongeBob: The real unfortunate part is that today’s shift is almost over. [sniffs]
Squidward: Oh boo hoo, cry me an ocean.
SpongeBob: Squidward, we’re already in the ocean.
[SpongeBob’s watch goes off, telling him that it’s the end of today’s shift.]
SpongeBob: Welp, see you in the AM, Squidarooney!
Squidward: SpongeBob, my name is NOT Squidarooney.
SpongeBob: Really? That’s what Mr. Krabs has had written on your nametag this whole time!
[Close up of a crudely-written name tag on Squidward’s chest, reading ‘SQUIDaROONEY’.]
Squidward: Oh, how I despise your very being.
SpongeBob: Love you too! [smooches]
[SpongeBob heads off, leaving Squidward behind.]
Squidward: Hmmm…
[Cut to Squidward heading back home to his house, thinking about something.]
Squidward: If nobody wants to pay attention to me, then how can I make them pay attention to me?
[A lightbulb goes off in Squidward’s head.]
Squidward: What if… I deceive them? Convince them to join my cause? Oh, think, Squidward, think! How can you convince them to join the cause? Wait, what even is the cause?
[Squidward turns to the fourth wall.]
Camera Guy: [offscreen] Uh… you wanna demand respect from that Mr. Krabs dude and stop The Krusty Krab's greed?
Squidward: Oh yeah, thanks. That's cool and all, but how am I going to get people to listen to me?
[A leaflet slides under Squidward's front door. He approaches it.]
Squidward: Ugh, cold callers. What could they possibly want at this hour?
[He picks up the leaflet and starts reading.]
Squidward: "Every day thousands of people are infected with suds"- oh for crying out loud it's a stupid charit- hey! That's not a bad idea! I could frame my cause as a charity!
[Squidward imagines himself on a throne in front of The Krusty Krab, with people throwing him money and support.]
Squidward: People love charities! And this way people will finally give me the support I need! Together we'll be unstoppable and take down the capitalist greed of the so-called Krusty Krab!
[In Squidward's imagination, The Krusty Krab falls to pieces and Mr. Krabs runs out naked without his shell, crying. In real life Squidward lets out an evil laugh.]
Squidward: Hoho, delightfully devilish Squidward. Now all you need is a name… how about…
[Series logo.]
Squidward: ...The Krusty Krab UNFAIR Charity! Created by CrazySpo- I mean, Squidward Tentacles. Has a nice ring to it. Now I just need to set it up, and all will come according to plan.
[Squidward grabs a hammer and nails and goes onto his front lawn to set up the charity’s stand.]
Squidward: And done!
[He puts up a sign that says “The Krusty Krab UNFAIR Charity!”, and then he pulls out a megaphone.]
Squidward: [using megaphone] Every day, thousands of customers at the Krusty Krab are unfairly infected with the SUDS-19 virus due to poor health practices. If you donate to my cause, I can promise you that it will be used to give the Krusty Krab the justice it so very much deserves!
[A random guy walks by and hears Squidward yelling this.]
Random guy: The Krusty Krab? I eat there!
Squidward: Did you know that it’s making you sick?
Random guy: That would explain why I threw up on my snail last night.
Squidward: You what?
Random guy: Forget about it. Anyway, here’s five bucks to make me throw up on my pets less.
[The random guy gives Squidward a 5 dollar bill.]
Squidward: [thinking] That’s more than my annual salary at the Krab. [speaking to the guy] Thank you very much, kind sir. I’ll put this to good use.
[Cut to Squidward ‘putting it to good use’ by sunbathing with an ice-cold Bikini Bottom Beer]
Squidward: Ah, the refreshing taste of deceit. This must be what capitalism feels like to the upper class.
[Cut to far away, where SpongeBob is walking, until he stops.]
SpongeBob: *gasp* My anti-Krusty Krab senses are tingling…[runs extremely fast to Squidward’s stand] WHAT THE FUCK?!
Squidward: Oh, SpongeBob, hello, uh, I’m… I THOUGHT YOU WERE CHRISTIAN!
SpongeBob: The reputation of the Krusty Krab is more important than God.
Squidward: You’re pathetic.
SpongeBob: Why are you betraying the one thing that gives you life?
Squidward: Life? LIFE? The only thing the Krusty Krab gives me is death!
SpongeBob: You know what’s really going to die?! YOUR STAND! BECAUSE I WILL MAKE A BETTER ONE THAT SUPPORTS THE KRUSTY KRAB! I WILL PROVE THAT THE PRODUCTIVITY MANIFESTO WORKS!
Squidward: We’ll see how that does when I tell everyone about the Krusty Krab’s evil actions!
SpongeBob: And the power of the Krabby Patty will triumph over you, sir octopus!
Squidward: Are we doing roleplay now or something, because I think we could do BD-
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: Sorry, that was my testosterone being a bit kinky right there. Now where were we?
SpongeBob: Mark my words, Squidturd, The Krusty Krab FUNFAIR Charity will prevail!
Squidward: F-Funfair?! You think this is all fun and games?
SpongeBob: Life is all fun and games if you think about it hard enough, Squidward.
Squidward: Well this is the most boring game I've ever played, but that's besides the point. If life is all fun and games why are you setting up a charity supporting a guy that prevents both?
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab has lots of fun and games, Squidward! For instance, one time I got mustard in my eyes and I tried to scream for as long as I could. You were there. It was great!
Squidward: Yeah, you went blind for thirty minutes and my ears were ringing for about two hours. I didn’t even know I had any!
SpongeBob: Sure, I went blind, but I had a blast! Making Krabby Patties in the dark is so much fun!
Squidward: You put a boot on a plate and screamed "ORDER UP!" You weren't even facing the window.
SpongeBob: And it was great!
Squidward: Forget that! As I was saying, it was NOT great for the three customers rolling their eyes waiting for you to actually do something.
SpongeBob: My point is, the Krusty Krab is fun if you put your heart into it. Just try it!
Squidward: We get paid below minimum wage to serve customers who have hygiene worse than all of Great Britain.
SpongeBob: British people are pretty fancy though.
[They both notice that it’s now nighttime.]
Squidward: Good night… loser.
SpongeBob: It’s on.
Squidward and SpongeBob: THIS IS WAR!
[Both of them go back into their houses and go to bed. They wake up the next day, as SpongeBob comes out to see Squidward on a basketball court]
Squidward: SPONGEBITCH! Over here!
SpongeBob: Hey, SpongeBitch is my sister that I have wet dreams about.
Squidward: Nevermind that. We’re gonna settle this with some basketball.
SpongeBob: Pffft. Like that’s ever worked.
Squidward: It worked with Looney Tunes.
SpongeBob: Yeah right.
Squidward: No one can beat me in a 1v1 in basketball. I’m lethal beyond the arc.
[Squidward grabs a basketball, and slam dunks the ball into the hoop. SpongeBob cries, and Squidward wakes up as this was all a dream.]
Squidward: Aww… it’ll happen someday though, hopefully. [he goes back to sleep]
[Meanwhile, SpongeBob is secretly awake, and is currently building his own stand beside his pineapple. He finishes building it, puts up a sign similar to Squidward’s but with more colors and shiny stickers, and wipes the sweat off his forehead.]
SpongeBob: Let’s see how he competes with this…
[He then falls asleep on the ground.]
[Transition to the next morning, where SpongeBob is still snoring while Squidward wakes up and goes outside.]
Squidward: Ah, today’s gonna be a lovely da- WHAT IN THE
[SpongeBob slowly wakes up from the ground.]
SpongeBob: Uhh… morning, Squidwardiard.
Squidward: SpongeBob, you’re insane.
SpongeBob: Hey, you’re the one that farted this war in the first place.
Squidward: LOOKS LIKE SOME PEOPLE ARE HERE FOR THE STANDS!
[The two of them go up to their stands to see their customers. Both lines are of equal size.]
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab is a great place, underappreciated by SOME people.
Squidward: The Krusty Krab gave me AIDS. And SUDS-19, don’t forget SUDS-19. And testicle herpes and diarrhea and seizures and shit like that.
[Cut to an array of customers all scratching their heads with mixed opinions about the Krusty Krab]
Old Man Jenkins: [does the Nazi salute] HEIL HITLER!
Bikini Bottomite: Well, I don’t want AIDS…
Bikini Bottomite 2: [not wearing pants] Speak for yourself.
Bikini Bottomite 3: I dunno, I’ve never had any problems at the Krusty Krab. This seems like a bunch of bullshit to me.
Bikini Bottomite 1: The guy has a point though, it’s not all that healthy.
Bikini Bottomite 4: I heard of this one guy who died from a mondo duke shitting himself spineless after eating 12 Krabby Patties in a row!
Bikini Bottomite 3: Wow, I wanna die like that. And also send the pictures of said mondo duke to CrazySponge.
Bikini Bottomite 1: Uh I think you might wanna see a therapist. 
Bikini Bottomite 2: Anyone up for BDSM?
Squidward: That sounds nice- I mean EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Old Man Jenkins: [still heiling] Gosh, this Squidworm guy is way too loud. Might make me have a heart attack. [puts his arm down] Now who’s up for Krabby Patties? (which may or may not be street slang for hard meth)
[Squidward shoots him dead. Meanwhile at the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs is wondering where his employees are.]
Mr. Krabs: They’re eleven minutes late today. That’s expected of Squidward, but not SpongeBob! I’m losin’ money!
[Mr. Krabs waddles out of the Krusty Krab and sees a ruckus in the distance.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh no, is there another KKK rally today?
[He waddles closer and notices SpongeBob and Squidward at their stands.]
Mr. Krabs: WHAT? THIS IS MUTINY! Taking away me paying customers! What’s the meaning of this?!
Squidward: Uh-oh. [he ducks under his stand]
SpongeBob: Hey there, Mr. K.
Mr. Krabs: You better have a good reason for doing this, boys.
Squidward: Well, I was just here to pick up a cupcake. [giggles]
Mr. Krabs: Mister Squidward, there will be no low effort jokes in me workplace.
Squidward: Stop jacking off in class Eugene.
Mr. Krabs: What did I just say?
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, we’re literally at home.
Mr. Krabs: Home is where your heart is, SpongeBob. And your heart is in ME BANK ACCOUNT! Argagaagagaggagagagagaga! What are you two doing anyway?
Squidward: Protesting against your grease trap’s ways!
SpongeBob: Defending the best restaurant in town!
[Squidward and SpongeBob glare at each other.]
Mr. Krabs: I got a bad feelin’ about this… [his eyes suddenly turn into dollar signs] or a good feelin’ in me wallet!
[Mr. Krabs’ wallet jumps out, growing legs and running away.]
Mr. Krabs: The chick has to leave the nest and whip out her breasts at some point. On another note, this gives me an idea.
[Mr. Krabs eats a leftover Krabby Patty from his pocket, and turns buff like Popeye. Then he lifts up both of the stands, with SpongeBob and Squidward still holding onto them.]
SpongeBob: Whoa!
Squidward: Did I die? Did the necrophiliacs come?
Mr. Krabs: Nonsense, Mr. Squidward! You’ll just be going back to the Krusty Krab… for a debate!
Squidward: God, I haven’t dreaded something this much since Squilliam bought my house.
[Cutaway gag to Squilliam using massive robot hands to pick Squidward’s house up and shake it about. Meanwhile, Plankton is fiddling with his stubby hands.]
Karen: Plankton, I think I see another ruckus going on outside.
Plankton: Oh please, it’s probably just another KKK rally.
[Karen shows Plankton camera footage of what’s going on outside.]
Plankton: Hot mama bouncing on my antennas! This sure is some drama! I smell another opportunity, Karen!
Karen: And I smell bullshit… and I don’t even have my nasal installation upgraded.
Plankton: Your eyes were more important, honey. Anyway, it’s time to do what I do best and provide goods and services!
Karen: Nobody wants to buy your chum, Sheldon. I’ve been trying to tell you that for the past 20 or so years.
Plankton: Well, how about you tell me something you HAVEN’T been nagging at me for the past two decades?
Karen: That’s it, Sheldon J. Plankton! We’re through.
[Karen very very slowly moves out of the Chum Bucket door]
Plankton: Wow that came out of nowhere, as did all those KKK jokes. I didn’t need that bandwidth-hogging bitch anyway. I can take advantage of all this Krusty Krab drama myself! Capitalism-Capturer 4000, go!
[A printer on a nearby table starts printing out a piece of paper, and it spells out “TO BE CONTINUED”.]
Plankton: Damn it, I hate cliffhangers.
[Credits roll. Post-credits scene: Karen is sobbing electronically on Ms. Puff’s couch.]
Karen: Oh, where did it all go wrong?!
Ms. Puff: Oh, honey, sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Like when I tried to get with Mr. Krabs and well… he wronged me like no man has wronged me before. [cocks shotgun]
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