My child goes to university.

My child goes to university. is season 3 episode 1 of I hate my child..
==Synopsis==
While Bot goes to university, Zoltan becomes a dentist and Golf goes to therapy.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins in the I hate my child. household, where Bot is packing their stuff in a luggage suitcase]
Zoltan: It’s about time you leave this place. I hate my child.
Bot: I love you too, Dad.
Zoltan: It’s about time My child goes to university.
Cactus: We’ll miss you Bot! I’ll keep pirating in your name.
Bot: Aargh.
Jarvis: Oh right, you’re going to college. I forgot about that. I have more important things to do, like playing rugby.
Bot: I’m going to university, but ok.
Crazy: Soooooooo, when are you leaving? Woof.
Bot: (checks watch) Right now.
[A spaceship parks outside the I hate my child house]
Bot: Ah, that must be my ride.
Zoltan: Go, Bot! Go out and zap to the extreme!
Bot: I will! Thank you, father!
[Bot grabs their things and rushes out of the house and flies off in the spaceship to university.]
Zoltan: We’re finally free.
Crazy: Now I can catch up on my car repair videos.
[Crazy turns on the Super Mega Epic TV they have in their house that has never been brought up before and it doesn’t make much sense that they can even afford it because they are dirt poor however let’s not go into that right now, and starts playing Fortnite 2 on max volume]
Zoltan: You fucking donkey, stop disturbing my peace with the devil’s games! Back in my day, we used our imagination.
[Cutaway to Ancient Mesopotamia in 6000 BC. Zoltan is there]
Zoltan: I wonder what I should do today. Oh, I know! I should invent slavery.
Smooth voiceover: And so, slavery was invented. That’s how I got this job.
Zoltan: What is that voice? Is it the sun god speaking to me?
Bot: Sunny day innit.
Zoltan: Silence, slave!
[Zoltan throws a rock at Bot]
Zoltan: (Harold Shipman voice) Now that’s funny.
[Cut back to them in the house]
Crazy: What.
Zoltan: That’s right, without me, Elon Musk would be a nobody!
Crazy: Don’t even mention Elon Musk…
[Cut to Bot at the university of Kent]
Bot: Ah, university. A new place to shape my career and meet new people.
Liz: Oh hey Bot, been a while since we last met.
Bot: Liz, you degenerate! I’m so happy to see you again!
Travis: Hey Auger.
Bot: Travis!
Travis: Wait, how did you even get into university? You only got F’s in high school….
Liz: Wait, we all did.
Bot: I don’t know, we were probably too old for Renaud so he let us pass just to get rid of us or something. 
Liz: So, what subject are you gonna be taking?
Bot: Computer science.
Travis: Oh, with Mr. Baker?
Bot: Yeahhhhh…
Liz: Oh I got Mr. Baker too!
Smooth voiceover: Baking Bad.
Liz: So, see ya.
[Cut back to Zoltan and the gang]
Jarvis: What are you gonna do now that Bot isn’t here?
Zoltan: I don’t know. This doesn’t happen often. Bot has done nothing for all of their life since I adopted- I mean… Bot has done nothing since they were born. They have just been wasting time for years, I don’t think they have even gone outside at all for the last few weeks. I haven’t even considered the idea of Bot not being here for more than a day before…
Jarvis: Damn, that’s deep. You should start playing rugby with me.
Zoltan: If you bring up rugby one more time, I will kill you.
Jarvis: Meowch!
Cactus: Didn’t you say a while back that you went to dentist school?
Zoltan: Oh yeah. I graduated and everything, but then my stupid fucking friends wanted to make an incest family instead. God, I hate them.
Crazy: Dentist? Really? That’s lame as hell.
Zoltan: DENTISTS ARE VERY COOL! THEY GET ALL THE BITCHES!
Crazy: I haven’t brushed my teeth in ages and I get bitches.
[Cutaway to Zoltan walking Crazy at the dog park. Crazy approaches a female dog (bitch).]
Crazy: ‘Sup?
[The bitch sniffs Crazy’s bad breath.]
Bitch: I’m gay.
[Cut back.]
Zoltan: That’s very unhealthy and false! This world needs good teeth…I must go back to my ROOTS, and fix people’s teeth!
Cactus: What are teeth?
Zoltan: You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house, they are arguing]
Golf: I’m telling you, Spingebill did nothing wrong!
Aaron: All those kids, all those people, all dead in an instant!
Smooth voiceover: Foreshadowing…
Golf: They were gonna die at some point anyway.
Aaron: You- you can’t be serious! You must be crazy… sponge…
Smooth voiceover: Killing myself.
Golf: Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with trolls. And trolls make me crazy.
Aaron: How many times do I have to tell you, trolls aren’t real!
Golf: I still see them. You’re a troll, nimrod.
Aaron: That’s it. You’re clearly not healthy.
Prim: Meow. I think you should get therapy.
Golf: Therapy?! That’s crazy speak. Therapy’s for insane people.
[Aaron and Prim blankly stare at Golf]
Golf: What? I am perfectly sane. I’m just as sane as Percy from the walls!
Prim: Who the hell is Percy?
Golf: Come on, you know Percy! The guy who lives in our walls? The fourth roommate in this house?
Aaron: Jesse what the fuck are you talking about?
Golf: Do you guys not remember all those great times we’ve had with Percy over the years?
[Golf begins looking at the ceiling for a few seconds]
Aaron: Yup, he definitely isn’t okay. Do you know any therapists?
Prim: Oh yeah, there’s this bird guy called Sparro. He’s pretty popular.
Aaron: (pirate voice) Aaargh.
Prim: Huh?
Aaron: Jack Sparro.
[Everyone in the room stares at Aaron]
Aaron: Sorry. Let’s just go to Sparro.
[Cut to an establishing shot of Basildon Medical Centre. Zoltan is at the parking area]
Zoltan: Ah, been a long time since I was last here. Doctors are for nerds. We stan dentists though.
[Zoltan walks into reception and approaches the receptionist.]
Zoltan: Hello there my fair lady, gentlemen, and/or non-binary friend. I would like to become a dentist please.
Receptionist: Pfffffttt, you’re funny.
Zoltan: I’m serious.
Receptionist: Oh. You can’t just walk in here and ask to become a dentist. Becoming a dentist involves at least five years’ study at dental school approved by the General Dental Council, followed by one or two years of supervised postgraduate dental training. Most entrants require three As at A-level, although one year pre-dental courses are offered by some dental schools.
Zoltan: Bitch I graduated like a decade ago. I knew that stupid incest family was a terrible idea.
Receptionist: I’m sorry but we’re just not looking for new dentists at this time.
Zoltan: FUCK YOU!
[Zoltan angrily storms out of the reception and back into the parking lot.]
Zoltan: Stupid fucking receptionist. I’m becoming a dentist today whether she likes it or not.
[Another dentist gets out of his car]
Dentist: Ah! I can’t wait for another BEAUTIFUL day at work! I wonder what amazing dentist things I will get up to toda-
[Zoltan sneaks up behind the dentist and brutally beats him to death, then steals his clothes and ID]
Zoltan: (checks ID) Call me Lenny now.
[Zoltan walks back into the reception]
Receptionist: For fuck’s sake, it’s you again.
Zoltan: No it’s not. I’m Lenny. See?
[Zoltan holds up Lenny’s ID. Lenny is black.]
Receptionist: You look different somehow.
Zoltan: Yeah, I… got a new haircut.
Receptionist: Ah, my apologies. Have a nice day, Lenny.
[Zoltan walks in Lenny’s dentist office, taking his place]
Zoltan: Another day, another toothache.
[A patient walks in]
Patient: Uh, hey doc, my teeth are rotten to the core.
Zoltan: Just like my child. Welp, no problem I can’t fix.
[Zoltan grabs his dental drill and begins drilling away the remaining teeth of the patient]
Zoltan: That didn’t hurt, right?
[The patient is in immense pain, and is unable to speak]
Patient: ABABAJFP3UDSVJL\DCUDV
Zoltan: Well, time for the implants.
[Zoltan grabs an actual drill, fake teeth and screws]
Zoltan: Don't worry, this won't hurt either.
Patient: OGRHKHNONSJODCNKONO
[As Zoltan continues torturing the client, cut to Bot at one of Mr. Baker's lectures]
Liz: AUUUUGGGGHHHH… this is SO BORING! I thought computer science would be fun. It’s like normal science but with technology.
Bot: Well at least our teacher isn’t a nonce this time and we don’t have to be afraid.	
Mr. Baker: I am a pedophile. Be very afraid.
Bot: GOD FUCKING-
[Cut to Golf, Aaron and Prim also entering the medical centre]
Golf: Uh, howdy hey, I have an appointment with Dr. Sparro? My roommate and our cat want me to see a therapist even though I am TOTALLY SANE and do not need any intervention whatsoever.
Receptionist: Ugh, what’s with all these weirdos today?
Golf: I’m not a weirdo. Percy says I’m totally normal and reasonable.
Receptionist: Yeah uh Dr. Sparro’s office is right next to Dr. Lenny’s office.
Aaron: Dr. Lenny? The dentist?
Receptionist: Yeah, the guy who designed this building was a total fraggle.
[Flashback to Daddy Pig building the medical centre]
Daddy Pig: Hoho! I’m a bit of an expert at building medical centres.
[The building collapses behind him; cut back to the present]
Golf: Goood golly gee that's just great.
Aaron: We’ll be waiting in the car listening to power electronics made by sex offenders.
Prim: Why did I even come?
[Cut to Golf entering Sparro’s office]
Golf: Uh, hello? H-Hello?
Sparro: Greetings. You must be Golf.
Golf: Erm… yeah, that’s me.
Sparro: Like whoa.
[Sitcom cheering and applause sound effect.]
Golf: (frantically looking around) Who was that?!
Sparro: Schizophrenia?
Golf: Schizo- I AM NOT CRAZY!
Sparro: Sponge?
[Sparro grabs a sponge and uses it to wipe off his sweat.]
Sparro: The situation is much more serious than I thought. So sit down, and try to relax.
[Golf sits down]
Sparro: So tell me, when did this all start?
Golf: Well… I had a very rough childhood. I never knew my Kenyan father, as he had to escape to Mexico while I was in my mother’s womb. My mother herself was an Indonesian prostitute, who died of dementia when I was just a young lad.
Sparro: Like whoa. Hm, that’s quite a circumstance.
Golf: Also my mother was a music enjoyer so that didn’t really help.
Sparro: You dislike music?
Golf: Yuh.
Sparro: How so?
Golf: I don’t know, I think it just causes people to stop being productive. And people not being productive is very wrong and bad.
Sparro: Why do you care so much about productivity?
Golf: cuz
Sparro: Alright, that is totally reasonable and fully understandable. So let’s talk about Aaron.
Golf: How do you know my good roommate and platonic acquaintance Aaron?
Sparro: Well, your friend Aaron-
Golf: I don’t have “friends”. Friendship is unproductive.
Sparro: I see… So, do you want to talk about your… platonic acquaintance?
Golf: Yes, actually.
[Cut back to Zoltan in his office, covered in blood]
Zoltan: Next.
[Recurring fan favorite I hate my child. character Granite walks in]
Granite: Good afternoon, Dr. Lenny. I must say, you look different.
Zoltan: Yeah, uh, I started wearing makeup.
Granite: Men wearing makeup? That’s disgusting. The world’s gone woke! Bloody liberal wankers…
Zoltan: …So what’s your problem?
Granite: I’m British.
[Closeup of Granite’s rotten teeth]
Granite: I also might have broken a tooth while eating a hamburger naked the other day.
Zoltan: What the fuck.
Granite: Don’t question it, it’s a British thing. Want some bangers and mosh? 
Zoltan: Well my child is British and I’ve never seen them eating burgers in the nude. I hate that stupid child.
Granite: Can you fix my teeth or what?
Zoltan: Of course! I didn’t murder a probably innocent human being and then commit identity fraud by pretending to be him for nothing.
Granite: What?
[Zoltan takes out a sledgehammer.]
Zoltan: Open wide.
Granite: Whoa, duder, don’t you think that’s a bit too dramatic? I mean, I know you dislike cavities but still…
Zoltan: (in markiplier random encounters fnaf musical voice) Blah, blah, blah, that’s completely absurd.
[Zoltan completely obliterates Granite’s teeth]
Granite: Owie.
Zoltan: That will be 200 dollars.
Granite: Wha ‘e ‘ell?
Zoltan: Haha he can’t say consonants.
Granite: (consonantless speech) This is even worse than before!
Zoltan: Sounds like a you problem.
Granite: Blimey.
Zoltan: Ugh fine I guess you can have those old people fake teeth things.
[Zoltan gives him dentures]
Granite: Uh, thanks doc. You know, you kind of remind me of someone…
Zoltan: No I don’t. I’m your wacky dentist Lenny.
Granite: I’m just saying, you look like one of my neo-nazi friends.
Zoltan: Mike?
Granite: Yeah! Wait, how’d you know his name? Are you a fellow nazi too?
Zoltan: …
Granite: Hold on… Are you… Oh my God….
Zoltan: I AM NOT ZOLTAN! Even though he is a very fine gentleman if I do say so myself.
Granite: I was thinking you were Fireman Sam but sure. Well, have a good day.
[Granite leaves the room]
Zoltan: Phew. That was close.
[Granite enters the room again]
Granite: Sorry, do you know where the nearest brony convention is?
Zoltan: KILL YOURSELF NAZI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Granite: Wait a minute…you’re Mike’s bastard son, Zoltan!
Zoltan: Bastard?! You must be Granite, aren’t ya?
Granite: Uh… I can neither confirm nor deny that without a lawyer present.
[NotJoe reality shifts into the room]
NotJoe: I’m the Darn Bug Guy-
[Zoltan pushes NotJoe back into his dimension]
Granite: Nooooooo! DeathToAllJews… He was my favourite lawyer… Oh well… Also I’m telling Mike.
Zoltan: Oh no bro.
[Granite leaves the room and Renaud enters, with a silly fake mustache]
Renaud: (in a fake german accent) Hallo, I am… Raul Penaud. Ich come from Doichland, land of Douche.
Zoltan: Ah great, another nazi.
Renaud: Nein nein! I am no nazi, I’m just a probably offensive stereotype of a very humble German child. Man. I meant man.
Zoltan: …Alright. So what seems to be your problem.
Renaud: Tooth hurty.
Zoltan: I see.
[Cut to Bot in university]
Mr. Baker: And that’s how Lenin made Russia great again.
Liz: Uh, what does this have to do with computers?
Mr. Baker: What’s a computer?
Bot: I miss home.
Liz: I thought your father hated you.
Bot: Well yeah but he wasn’t a communist pedophile.
Mr. Baker: Okay you can uh do university stuff now. Don’t mind me. [grabs some lube]
Liz: Great! Let’s smoke weed!
Travis: Vegan weed.
[Cut to Golf at therapy]
Sparro: So you had to live with your brother in Antarctica?
Golf: Yeah… All alone…
Sparro: Huh, I can see how that contributed to your mental state. Must have been very tough for you. Do you have anyone to talk to?
Golf: Well for one there’s my moronic roommate Aaron.
Sparro: Ah yes. Is he a good roommate?
Golf: A good roommate? No. He sits on his ass all day, jerking off while he listens to mindless music. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.
Sparro: And what about you? What do you do to contribute to society?
Golf: I trade stocks.
Sparro: Amazing. Okay, do you have any pets?
Golf: Well I’ve got a cat. He’s named Prim. I stole him from Canada.
Sparro: You take good care of him, right?
Golf: Uh… Of course! I feed him every couple of months, and when he is dying I sometimes give him some water.
Sparro: Nice, nice. I must say, you’re a very interesting person, Mr. Pecks.
Golf: Never call me that again.
[Cut back to Renaud]
Zoltan: Okay, let me check your teeth with my advanced dentist technology.
Renaud: Hey! I only let small children and babies put stuff in my mouth.
Zoltan: (Mr. Heckles voice) I could be a small child.
Renaud: You look like you’re in your forties.
Zoltan: I’m just big boned.
[Zoltan checks Renaud’s teeth with his advanced dentist technology]
Zoltan: Uh, this mustache looks pretty fake.
Renaud: No this is real German mustache. No Mickey Mouse stuff.
Zoltan: Uh huh.
[Zoltan rips it off]
Zoltan: PAUL RENAUD?!
Renaud: Well… You got me.
[Renaud gets out of the very cool dentist chair and hits Zoltan in the face]
Zoltan: MEOWCH!
Renaud: And you’re Zoltan! Not Lenny. 
Zoltan: What gave it away?
Renaud: Your scent smells just like your child’s. Mmm… gorgeous. Also I saw you murder Lenny in the parking lot.
Zoltan: And your first thought was to pretend to be a German stereotype and book an appointment with me solely because you have the hots for a minor?
Renaud: That basically sums it up. Now, where the hell is Bot?
Zoltan: What? I’m not telling you, bro. You’re a pedophile!
Renaud: Tell me or I’ll…
[Renaud grabs a [insert dentist tool here later, do not leave this in]]
Renaud: Kill you with this thing!
Zoltan: Uh… Okay, they’re at the University of Kent and-
Renaud: Oh, uh, thanks.
Zoltan: Damn it.
Renaud: My good friend Mr. Baker works there. We’ll finally get to enact our secret plan…
Zoltan: What the hell are you two planning on doing?
Renaud: You’ll see. You’ll all see!
[Renaud jumps out of the window]
Zoltan: Whatever, it’s my dentist lunch break anyway.
[Zoltan goes to the dentist lounge, where all the other dentists are brushing their teeth]
Zoltan: Ah yes. Hello there, my fellow dentists.
Dentist: Uh, who’re you?
Zoltan: I’m Lenny. You guys remember me, right?
[The dentists stare at Zoltan in silence]
Dentist 2: …no you’re not.
Zoltan: What do you mean? Of course I am! I’ve been impersonating him all day and no one’s questioned it until now.
[Another dentist walks in]
Dentist 3: Guys… Lenny’s dead. He was found in the parking lot, naked.
[All of the dentists look at Zoltan]
Zoltan: uh oh !
Smooth voiceover: OJ Simpson.
Dentist: Oh my God, they killed Lenny!
Dentist 2: You bastards!
Zoltan: STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Dentist 3: You killed and impersonated my best friend!
Zoltan: I can explain.
Dentist 2: Really?
Zoltan: No, not really.
[Dentist 3 starts beating up Zoltan]
Dentist 3: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Zoltan: A very nice dentist who forgives people for murdering his friends?
[Dentist 3 removes his dentist clothes, revealing a Gangster SpongeBob shirt underneath]
Dentist 3: I’M FEARED GANG LEADER AND TERRORIST SPINGEBILL!
[The other dentists also reveal their gang member jacket stuff]
Zoltan: Zoinks!
[The gang members all start shooting at Zoltan with firearms, and he begins running out of the building, running past Sparro’s office; cut to inside that very exact office]
Sparro: Well Golf, I think it’s safe to say that-
[Sparro gets shot]
Golf: EVERY SINGLE TIME! Screw this therapy stuff. I’m leaving.
[Golf leaves the office, walking past gang members shooting at Zoltan]
Golf: Oh, howdy neighbor. Didn’t expect to see you here.
Zoltan: Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something here.
[A bullet flies next to Zoltan]
Zoltan: On second thought, could you drive me back home right now maybe?
Golf: Sure whatever.
[Cut to Aaron and Prim listening to power electronics made by sex offenders in the car]
Prim: I want to die.
[Zoltan and Golf hop into the car]
Zoltan: DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!
Aaron: HEY WE’RE LISTENING TO SEX OFFENDER MUSI-
[The gang members start shooting at the car] 
Aaron: OH DEAR LOL
[The car speeds off as the gang members keep shooting]
SpingeBill: We’ll get you! We’ll kill you in your own home if we have to!
Zoltan: Oh dear, I got myself into quite a pickle.
[They all drive away; cut to them arriving at their houses]
Zoltan: Thanks Golf, you’re the best!
Aaron: That’s the first time anyone has ever said that.
Golf: No problem, Zoltan. Time to lie on the floor.
[Aaron, Golf and Prim go into their house]
Golf: Well that went horribly.
Percy from the walls: Hey Golf! How was therapy?
Prim: What the fu-
[Zoltan goes inside his house and starts locking all doors and windows]
Jarvis: Zoltan?! Are you okay? You look a bit distressed.
Zoltan: Oh, it’s just some gangsters or whatever that are after me.
Jarvis: Ah, that’s cool.
[Cut to the university, where Mr. Baker is looking intensely at his computer. The bell rings]
Mr. Baker: Bye everyone!
Bot: Finally, this is over. Am I right Liz? …Liz? Travis?
[Liz and Travis are very high]
Bot: Sigh. Good thing I’m a clean child.
[The students leave the classroom, and a few seconds later, Renaud enters]
Renaud: Hello, friend.
Mr. Baker: [quickly closes his computer in fear, but smiles as he realizes who just entered the classroom] Paul! It’s so great to see you again! What are you doing here?
Renaud: My friend, I believe you have some of my former students in your class.
Mr. Baker: Yes… I’ve become very acquainted with this Bot you’ve always told me so much about.
Renaud: I think now’s finally the perfect time for our plan to come to fruition…
[Lightning strikes as they both laugh evilly, as the episode fades to black]
Category:Episodes
Category:Transcripts
Category:2024
Category:Zoltan40
Category:CartoonGuy277
Category:Thatjess
Category:2020s
Category:Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:2024 Episodes
Category:2024 Transcripts
Category:I hate my child.
Category:I hate my child. episodes
Category:I hate my child. Season 3
Category:Episodes written by Zoltan40
Category:Episodes written by CartoonGuy277
Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
Category:Episodes written by Purple133
Category:Shrek Productionz
Category:AsaInChainz