2015 Power Rankings-Week 3

Posted 9/22/15
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IT’S PANDEMONIUM IN THE RING. UP IS DOWN. LEFT IS RIGHT. DEEZ SONS OF BITCHEZ HASN’T LOST A GAME IN TWO WEEKS!!! I have no time to waste (or spellcheck/edit) as I’m devoting 99% of my time to getting October 1st’s reveal ready for everyone (the other 1% I spend setting my lineup (I spend 0% showering)), so let’s jump right into the chaos.
Today’s Power Ranking Theme is….Keanu Reeves movie quotes!! Which best suits your team??
1(1). Deez Sons of Bitchez
Keanu Reeves Quote: “You ever have that feeling where you’re not sure if you’re awake or still dreaming?” - Neo, The Matrix
Dee retains her spot atop the rankings by blowing out her opponent for the second week in a row. Unlike the other undefeated teams, Dee has a lineup that features 10 players from 9 different teams, a diverse and balanced lineup that ensures that one team’s bad game won’t bring down her entire week. Dee only won two games all of last season, making the start to this season all the more dreamlike. But is the dream collapsing? Seferian-Jenkins is sidelined 4-6 weeks with a shoulder injury.
2(2). GaroppoblowMe
Keanu Reeves Quote: “People keep asking if I’m back and I haven’t really had an answer, but yeah, I’m thinking I’m back.” - John Wick, John Wick
Having not won back to back games since 2012, GBM brought it all against The Shotti Bunch. Finally seeing productivity out of AP was reassuring and Stevie Johnson’s work out of the flex spot has been a pleasant surprise, although a lot of their success hinges on New England’s revenge-season dominance. Up next, a rivalry matchup with a very hungry Paddock 9. The team hasn’t seen points like this in years, sending the whole GBM fanbase into a frenzy. At 2-0, ““yeah, I’m thinking I’m back” - Keanu Reeves” - Me.
3(4). TEAM MANBEARPIG
Keanu Reeves Quote: “When something happens to you that hasn’t happened before, don’t you at least have to find out what it is?” - Julian Mercer, Somethings Gotta Give
TMBP continued to roll this week, escaping disaster with the Tony Romo injury going down on his bench. The newby is in unchartered territory, sitting atop the league standings and putting up great numbers early on. I think they at least have everyone’s attention and we’re all wondering just what this team is. Still, add the Romo injury to Jordy Nelson and Alshon Jeffrey and you start to think maybe this team has been bitten by the injury bug. They should seek medical attention immediately.
4(3). The Shotti Bunch
“I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style...Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory lasts forever.” - Shane Falco, The Replacements
Mike Evans played 40 snaps against the Saints and came up with zero points, though he would have had to double his projection to make the matchup close. This is strange times for “The Shotti Bunch,” a team that is used to early and consistent success. After winning each of the last five matchups against GBM, they fall from glory and will need to pick themselves up and bring the A-game against #FreeOJ.
5(7). Reign Maker
Keanu Reeves Quote: “I’m Mickey Mouse. You don’t know who’s inside the suit.” - Keanu Reeves, real life.
Granted it’s early in the season and we’re still trying to separate the contenders from the pretenders, but this team just strikes me as very difficult to define. What kind of season is in store for Luck? What am I to make of their top scorer being a TE and their leading WR playing for Jacksonville? Who is inside the Mickey Mouse suit? Is it a repeat champion? Or a slightly obese Mexican sweating in his underwear and taking pictures with small children in exchange for chump change on a hot day at the theme park?
6(8). #FreeOJ
Keanu Reeves Quote: “I like building up the anticipation.” - Evan Webber, Knock Knock
It took every player for #FreeOJ to notch their first win of the year, coming from behind on Sunday night to upset ma ma momma said. At 11.03 points, this was the smallest margin of victory in the league this week. Anticipation has certainly been building for this team, with high hopes for a better performance than the 2014 campaign. Now that they’ve established that they can win, they’ll have to prove they can win consistently. The Shotti Bunch has their number, boasting a 4-1 lifetime record against FOJ.
7(5). Paddock 9
Keanu Reeves Quote: “Choice, the problem is choice.” - Neo, The Matrix Reloaded
For the second week in a row Paddock 9 benches the win. Granted that’s hard to say when you lost by over 30 points, but the case remains it seems the problems they have is too many choices, and they keep making the wrong ones. At least the choices are getting more difficult. Eddie Lacy is questionable to go Monday night vs. Kansas City. Do you hold out hope that he’ll start and risk the goose egg, or do you start a low-floor RB3 or 4 in hopes that they’ll have a big day? If they choose wrong, they might be prepping for the Consolation Tournament early this year.
8(6). Papa’s Posse
Keanu Reeves Quote: “He doesn’t kill anybody, but he hangs around until the situation arises where they die.” - Bob Arctor, A Scanner Darkly
What better way to describe Papa’s Posse and their tactics. They have never put up big numbers and their 21-33 lifetime record doesn’t exactly suggest powerhouse. Yet they’re a LOC champ and have made playoff two of the last four seasons, so they do tend to hang around and wait for other teams to implode. For that reason, you can’t exactly cuncel da saeson. But of the 1-1 teams they have the most to prove.
9(10). ma ma momma said
Keanu Reeves Quote: “Lose? I don’t lose! I win! I win! That’s my job, that’s what I do!” - Kevin Lomax, The Devil’s Advocate
Things are getting a little grim for MMMS, a team that isn’t used to the idea of losing after years of steady success. With the smallest average margin of defeat through two weeks, MMMS is getting very frustrated. The QB situation is improved albeit unreliable and without a star RB and Bryant out half the season, I fear a lot more frustration in the near future.
10(9). Fire Goodell
Keanu Reeves Quote: “Vaya Con Dios.” - Johnny Utah, Point Break
In the translated words of the great Keanu, go with God my friend. He will need to pray hard and fast if he wants to recover from what has turned into a disastrous start to the year. The miracle might come in the form of Le’Veon Bell, expected to make his triumphant return this week. Paired with breakout star Dion Lewis, all hope is not yet lost.
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK
GaroppoblowMe vs. Paddock 9
Once again Paddock 9 has found himself in a tough matchup worthy of the matchup of the week. Don’t let the 220-175 projection fool you, this one will be close (maybe). Paddock 9 has performed well ahead of his projections this year and the 3-3 lifetime regular season record between these two teams makes it a much anticipated matchup. If GBM’s Patriots Trio was at a disadvantage last week vs the vaunted Bills defense, I would hate to see them at an advantage against Jax. However, Brady and the Defense tend to play down to their opponents (see last years 16-9 win over Oakland). Since the commish is involved, obviously he expects his team to win, so I’ll spare the predictions and let the Chip Kelly’s fall where they may.