The Lost Mattress (Rewrite)/transcript

Previous Episode: Potholes in my Lawn (Rewrite)
== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: May 15, 1999
Episode Copyrighted: 1999
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
The episode starts with a live-action shot of Big Ben in London. As "Rule, Britannia" plays, the time on the clock changes to 9 o'clock and it starts chiming. The camera zooms out suddenly, revealing that it is only Squidward's watch.
Squidward Tentacles: Wow, I'm super late. Maybe I'll get lucky while no one will notice.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *lies in a fetal position against Lincoln's room front door, knocking her head on it* This isn't happening. This isn't happening!
Squidward Tentacles: SpongeBob? Lincoln? What are you two doing?
SpongeBob SquarePants: The horror, it's unspeakable!
Lincoln Loud: *grabs Squidward* Don't you see, Squidward? It's closed! The Krusty Krab is closed!
Squidward Tentacles: You mean I got out of bed for nothing?
Lincoln Loud: The doors are locked. The doors are locked and we are on the outside. Outsiders. What are we going to do, Squidward? There are Krabby Patties inside all alone. *presses my face into the glass*
Lori Loud: Just stand aside, Lincoln, and let Mr. Krabs unlock the door.
Lincoln Loud: *my face comes out my backside* Lori, you're here! *jumps around* Gosh, Lori, we were worried something might have happened to you. That the world would've been deprived of the greatest food known to man.
Mr. Krabs: *drops my keys*
Lori Loud: *annoyed* Oh, you made Mr. Krabs drop his keys. Give me some space, lad. Can't a crab get a little space?!
Lincoln Loud: *cries* I'm sorry, Lori.
Squidward Tentacles: Harsh. *laughs*
Lola Loud: Nice laugh, Squidward.
Lori Loud: *cracks my back* Ow, my back!
Lincoln Loud: Are you hurt, Lori?
Lori Loud: *sarcastically while in pain* No. I'm just doubled over in pain, fighting' back tears in my eyes because it's a new dance craze! *wiggles my hands from side to side*
Lincoln Loud: *naively* Oh, good, I thought you were hurt.
Lori Loud: *shouting* I am hurt, you weirdo!
Lincoln's lip quivers while tears form.
Lori Loud: I'm sorry I snapped at you, Lincoln. It's just my back is killing me. It's my old, lumpy mattress. It's like trying to sleep on broken coral. I'm going out of my mind. *back breaks again* Oh, my back.
Lincoln Loud: Poor, Mr. Krabs. What are we going to do, Squidward?
Squidward Tentacles: Why do anything? I like the new Lori. She yells at you more. *laughs*
Lincoln Loud: I'm serious, Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: So am I.
Lincoln Loud: We should get Lori a new mattress and surprise him with it as a gift. Then we'll never have to be late to work again.
Squidward Tentacles: What? You want me to spend my hard earned money on my skinflint boss? No, thank you. *enters the Krusty Krab*
Lincoln Loud: That's okay, Squidward, you'll warm up to the idea.
Slide transition inside the Krusty Krab.
Lincoln Loud: Thanks for coming with me, SpongeBob and Patrick.
SpongeBob SquarePants: No problem, buddy. Patrick always wanted to go to a mattress store.
Patrick Star: Yeah.
The three enter the store and gasp.
Lincoln Loud: I've never seen so many mattresses.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: Yeah.
Lincoln Loud: How many do you think there are?
SpongeBob SquarePants: *looks around and thinks* 10, Patrick.
Patrick Star: Alright, 10.
Lincoln Loud: Cool.
Leni Loud: Hey guys.
Lincoln Loud: Hey Leni. I'm buying a mattress for Lori.
Leni Loud: Totes.
Lana Loud: *zips to Leni* Look at those mattresses.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Lana, I'm so glad to see you.
Employee: There's plenty more than that. Try them out. Find one you like.
Lincoln Loud: *jumps on a mattress*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Leni and Lana Loud: *shakes our heads, then lays down on a mattress, but sinks into it*
Lincoln Loud: *shakes my head, then falls on my back on a rock-hard mattress*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Leni and Lana Loud: *sits in a racecar bed then a crashing sound is heard*
Lincoln Loud: *sits on a bed with a bunch of needles and the employee holds up a first-aid kit.*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Leni and Lana Loud: *finally sits on a mattress that rotates in rolling from side to side.
Now back at the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln, Leni and Lana are laughing.
Squidward Tentacles: What are you morons doing?
Lincoln Loud: Making a card for Lori. To go with her new mattress.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, I see. You're just kissing up to the boss to make me look bad. Well, I won't stand for it. Gimme that card. *signs card* Trying to outsmart me, will ya? *licks envelope* There, I signed it for all of us.
Lola Loud: This is your card from Squidward.
Patrick Star: Hey, you guys didn't even help pay.
Lincoln Loud: Oh, that's okay, as long as Lori is happy.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah.
Slide transition to the Loud House.
Lori Loud: Oh, my back. Well, here goes another useless attempt to sleep on my mount less, lumpy mattress. *lays on my mattress* Huh, that's queer. My mattress seems strangely cozy and butter-like... *falls asleep*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Squidward Tentacles, Mr. Krabs, Lincoln, Leni, Lynn, Lana and Lola Loud: Surprise!
Lori Loud: Armageddon! What? Oh, you? What are you doing in my room?
Lincoln Loud: We noticed how miserable you were on your lumpy, old mattress.
Squidward Tentacles: So I suggested we get you a new one.
Lori Loud: *immediately wakes up* Huh?! What, wha-? What are you guys doing in my room?
Lincoln Loud: We noticed how miserable you were on your lumpy, old mattress.
Squidward Tentacles: So I suggested we get you a new one.
Lola Loud: *angrily* Yeah, nice going Lincoln. 
Leni Loud: *talks to Lincoln* I thought it was your idea.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: Yeah.
Lori Loud: *gets very mad, through gritted teeth* SO, WHERE'S MY OLD MATTRESS THEN? *fury goes up*
Squidward Tentacles: Don't worry, Lori, I took care of that personally, too. I had it hauled away to the dump.
Lori Loud: *pounces on Squidward* My phone was literally that mattress!
Squidward Tentacles: Wha-ha-hat?! Haven't you ever heard of a bookshelf?!
Lori Loud: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *walks backward, starts to knock everything over*
Lincoln Loud: Lori!
Lori Loud: AHHHH! *walks backward, hits my lamp and trashes some books*
Mr. Krabs: Oh no, Lori.
Lynn Loud Jr.: Aw, poor Lori.
Lola Loud: She fainted.
Lana Loud: Yeah.
Patrick Star: And we got you a card.
Lori Loud: *lifts my head up off the floor* Is there a phone in it?
Patrick Star: *shakes the envelope* Nope.
Lori Loud: *faints again*
Later, at the hospital.
Lincoln Loud: Is it serious, doctor? Will Lori be alright?
Doctor: Your sister, Lori is in a phone-coma. Only the return of her phone can save her life.
Squidward Tentacles: *angrily points at Lincoln* It was Lincoln’s fault! Getting Lori a new mattress was his idea!
Patrick Star: I knew it!
Cop fish: Not so fast. *holds up get well card* This card says "This was all my idea. Love, Squidward."
Squidward Tentacles: *my eyes go wide*
Cop fish: If Lori doesn't pull through, you're going to jail!
Squidward Tentacles: *gets really angry at Lincoln* OOH... YOU DID THIS, LOUD! IF YOU DON'T GET LORI'S MATTRESS BACK FROM THE DUMP, I AM GOING TO STRANG-
Cop fish: *clears my throat*
Squidward Tentacles: *gets nervous* Help you do it myself.
Leni Loud: Wow, Lori really cares about her mattress.
Slide transition to the dump.
Patrick Star: What a dump.
Lincoln Loud: We gotta get in there, Squidward. Lori is counting on us.
Leni Loud: *looks through the gate* Hey, Linky, isn't that the mattress over there?
Lincoln Loud: Terrific, Leni, you found it!
Squidward Tentacles: What? Where? Lemme see. Where?
Lincoln Loud: Over there, Squidward, underneath that really big guard dog.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, that figures.
Slide transition to the hospital.
Doctor: Oh no, this is horrible.
Nurse: What is it, doctor?
Doctor: This man has no insurance.
Nurse: He'll never be able to afford this room!
Doctor: You're right, nurse. Extract the patient to the hallway. Stat!
Lori is pushed into a snack machine while she groans.
Mr. Krabs: *cries*
Lola Loud: Mr. Krabs?
Lynn Loud Jr.: He's really sad.
Slide transition back to the dump.
Lincoln Loud: Well, that's Lori mattress, alright. Let's go get it.
Squidward Tentacles: Okay, here's the plan: you two quietly go in there, remove the mattress out from the guard worm without... waking... the dog.
Patrick Star: *confused* Why not?
Lincoln Loud: *frankly* Because that would be rude, Patrick.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Totally rude.
Squidward Tentacles: And nothing's meaner than a junkyard dog. He'll eat you alive!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni and Lana Loud: *gets scared at hearing this revelation*
Lana Loud: *crossly* Hey, wait a minute, what are you gonna do?
Squidward Tentacles: *lies* Oh, I've got the most important job. I'm going to keep watch to make sure it's safe.
Patrick Star: *naively* Gee, thanks, buddy.
Squidward Tentacles: My pleasure. Now let's get a move on. *laughs*
Patrick Star and Lana Loud *climbs the fence*
Lincoln Loud: Ah, isn't it beautiful, Patrick and Lana? You can see everything from up here.
Patrick Star and Lana Loud: Wow.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni, and Lana Loud: *sighs*
Squidward Tentacles: *gets angry* WHAT ARE YOU MORONS DOING?
Lincoln Loud: Hey, guys, I think I can see our houses from here.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Where?
Lana Loud: We can't see them.
The fence flips around to where Squidward is inside and SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln, Leni and Lana are outside.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni and Lana Loud: Wow. *laughs*
Patrick Star: Let's do it again.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni and Lana Loud: *continues laughing*
Squidward Tentacles: What did you idiots do?!
Leni Loud: Squidward, what are you doing in there? You were supposed to keep watch!
Lincoln Loud: Yeah, and you woke up the guard dog, too!
Squidward Tentacles: I didn't do it! You blockheads woke...
Guard dog: *emerges from behind Squidward growling*
Squidward Tentacles: The dog. *screams in pain*
Guard dog: *attacks Squidward while Lana, Leni, Lincoln, Patrick and SpongeBob are horrified at the sight*
Slide transition back to the hospital.
Doctor #2: Doctor?
Doctor #1: Yes, doctor?
Doctor #2: Regarding your patient, doctor. I have come to this conclusion.
Doctor #1: Yes, go on.
Doctor #2: We have to surgically remove him out from in front of the candy machine so I can get to the nutty nut bar.
Doctor #1: Of course. Nurse?
Nurse: I'm on it. *wheels Lori outside the hospital while she groans again*
Slide transition back to the dump.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni and Lana Loud: *climbs down a rope to get inside the gate*
Lincoln Loud: Dog bait to the retriever. Dog bait to the retriever. We're in. Out.
Squidward Tentacles: Retriever to worm bait, stay in. Don't go out.
Lincoln Loud: Understood. Out.
Squidward Tentacles: No! In! Out.
Lincoln Loud: Understood. Out.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, look, you're at the far side of the dump, right?
Lincoln Loud: Affirmative.
Squidward Tentacles: Good. Then make lots of noise to draw the guard worm away from the mattress so I can retrieve it.
Lincoln Loud: Affirmative. Out. Oh, that's why he calls himself 'The Retriever'.
Leni Loud: Why are we called 'Dog-bait?'
Lincoln Loud: I dunno. *ululates with Leni* Great idea, Leni!
The five use pots and pans to make loud noises that draw the guard worm away.
Squidward Tentacles: And my perfect plan falls into place. *laughs*
SpongeBob SquarePants: *continues ululating with Lincoln* Uh, Lincoln?
Lincoln Loud: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I think I know why our code name is "Dog-bait".
Guard dog: *rushes up and growls at them*
Lincoln Loud: Nice dog. Good, kind, gentle dog!
Guard dog: *my eyes turn into an image of the wooden spoon, then behaves like a good dog wanting to play*
Lana Loud: Ohh, Lincoln, he likes your wooden spoon.
Lincoln Loud: *raises the spoon then lowers the spoon as the dog's eyes follow where the spoon is* Wow, I think you're right, Lana.
Lana Loud: *claps* See if he plays catch.
Lincoln Loud: Okay, see the stick, boy? *throws spoon* Go get it, boy!
Guard dog: *chases after spoon*
Squidward Tentacles: Coast is clear. Squiddy, you are a genius.
Wooden spoon hits Squidward in the head.
Squidward Tentacles Ouch. What the...? Hey, I needed a wooden spoon. I'll just keep it safe from harm in my back pocket. *places spoon in back pocket* And now for the mattress.
Guard dog: *bites Squidward in the butt*
Squidward Tentacles: I should've guessed.
Guard dog: *attacks Squidward again*
Slide transition back to the hospital.
Administrator Flotsam: Excuse me, doctor.
Doctor: Administrator Flotsam, what can I do for you?
Administrator Flotsam: It has come to my attention that your patient, Mr. Krabs, is outside on the front sidewalk.
Doctor: Yes, yes he is.
Administrator Flotsam: What were you thinking, man? We're trying to run a business. We can't leave patients on the sidewalk.
Doctor: Not to worry. Nurse!
Nurse: I'm on it. *pushes Lori away from the hospital and down a hill*
Mr. Krabs: Guys, we have to go get Lori.
Lynn Loud Jr.: I’m on it.
Lola Loud: Yeah.
Mr. Krabs, Lynn Jr. and Lola Loud: *runs after Lori*
Screen cuts back at the dump, dawn is breaking.
Squidward Tentacles: Alright, you guys, what's the holdup?
Lincoln Loud: We feel silly.
Squidward Tentacles: Come on, do it for your sister Lori.
Lincoln Loud: Okay.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni and Lana Loud: *jumps out of the portable potty in steak costumes*
Lincoln Loud: Can you explain the plan again, Squidward?
Squidward Tentacles: Sure, but first, put on this cologne.
Lincoln Loud: *reads label* Steak sauce? *shrugs my shoulders and puts the sauces on my body*
Squidward Tentacles: Okay, so you are dressed as choice cuts. You go in there and yell "Trick or treat!" The worm will realize he forgot to stock up on Halloween candy, he'll leave to buy some then we take the mattress.
Patrick Star: Gimme that cologne. *puts the sauce on my body*
Lana Loud: Me too. *puts the sauce on my body*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Leni Loud: *puts the sauce on our bodies*
Squidward Tentacles: Now get in there!
Lincoln Loud: Happy Halloween, Squidward!
Squidward Tentacles: I am not going to get hurt this time. *hears some rattling in the distance*
It's Lori on her hospital bed rolling down the street into the dump.
Mr. Krabs, Lynn Jr. and Lola Loud: *keeps running after Lori*
Squidward Tentacles: Isn't that Mr. Krabs? *screams*
Lori Loud: *runs over Squidward, crashes through the gate, and runs into a rock, causing the bed to flip him over in front of my mattress*
Guard dog: *growls*
Lana Loud: That guard dog doesn't look very happy.
Lincoln Loud: Run, Lori! Run like you're not in a coma!
Lori Loud: *sniffs around and recovers* It’s my phone. *takes my phone*
Mr. Krabs: *sees the money* It's... me money!
Lola Loud: Aww, Mr. Krabs!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Mr. Krabs, get that dog out of the dump!
Mr. Krabs: Here I go!
Guard dog: *snarls*
Mr. Krabs: *roars like a lion and sends the worm into the air and off the mattress* Oh, money. I promise I'll never leave you alone again.
Lori Loud: *texts Bobby*
Lincoln Loud: Hey, Lori.
Lori Loud: *jumps on my mattress and barks ferociously*
Lincoln Loud: No, Lori, it's us!
Lana and Lola Loud: Trick or treat.
Lori Loud: Oh, hey, Lincoln. I didn't recognize you. Say, why are you guys dressed as meat?
Lincoln Loud: Not just meat, we're choice cuts! Right, Squidward?
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, I give up.
Guard dog: *lands in Squidward's arms snarling at him*
Squidward Tentacles: *runs off*
Guard dog: *chases him*
Squidward Tentacles: Ahhh! Get away!
Screen fades in black and it says "THE END". Episode ends.
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