Pygmoelian/Quotes

:Homer: Moe! The new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
:Moe: Oh, boy! Move over, liquor license. (takes a framed license down from the wall)
:Lenny: (reading license) Hey Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhode Island... and it's signed by you!
:Moe: Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and, real.
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:Lisa: (visitng the Alco-Hall of Fame) Whoa, there's Ulysses S. Grant, Babe Ruth... (gasps) Ben Franklin...
:Ben Franklin robot: Early to bed, (hiccups) early to rise....
:Babe Ruth robot: (in a slurred voice): You think... you think you're better than me? Huh?
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:Announcer: All right, Springfield, belly up for the Duff Beer-tender of the Year contest. (the audience cheers)
:Announcer: Now, fresh from his appearance before the House Sub-Committee on teenage alcoholism, Duffman!
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:Duffman: All right! Today, we're going to find out which of these bartenders has the right stuff to dispense Duff.
:Duffman: From the Green Potato Pub at O'Hare International Airport, Michael Finn! (the crowd cheers as Michael Finn comes on stage, flexing his arms)
:Duffman: From Juggernauts in Hollywood, California, Titania! (the crowd cheers wildly)
:Duffman: And now, the local lug who fills your mug with the drug you chug -- Oh yeah! -- Give it up for Moe Szyslak!
:Moe: Hello Springfield, how you--
:Titania: (accidentally spills beer on her cleavage) Ooh! (the crowd applauses in a negative way as she tries to shake her cleavage dry)
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:Duffman: And the winner… Moe Szyslak!
:Moe: Aw, that's great, thank you, thanks a lot. Uh, I just want to say that it was an honor for me to compete against the Mick and the, uh, the chick with the rack there.
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:Duffman: Duff beer is brewed from hops, barley, and sparkling clear mountain… what?
:Titania: (rings bell) Goat.
:Duffman: Close enough!
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:Duffman: Now, our final round, which counts for 98% of the total score, making the previous rounds a complete waste. Don't forget, today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff Calendar!
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:Duffman: All right, bartenders, toss your drunks!
:Michael Finn: (tosses Larry) And stay out!
:(Titania's drunk starts ogling her)
:Titania: Ew! You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
:Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things! Oh yeah!
:(Titania walks off the stage)
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:Duffman: Are you ready for some Duff love?!
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:Homer: Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."
:Marge: You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival?
:Homer: (chuckles) I know. I'm a character. Now a little beer music to get in the mood.
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:Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome! Me! It's like I've gone to heaven. Wait a minute… I died on the operating table, didn't I?
:Homer: Heh heh, yeah. But just for a minute. It's a funny story, I'll tell you some time.
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:Nurse: Oh boy, what a mug!
:Surgeon: Yea, you should see his genitals, would you like to see his genitals?
:Moe: I'm awake here!
:Surgeon: Hey this isn't anesthetic. It's new car smell.
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:Moe: It's hopeless, ain't it?
:Surgeon: No, no, no, I love a challenge. First, we must install buttocks.
:Moe: Nah, nah, nah - no luxury items. Just the face.
:Surgeon: (drawing on Moe's face with a marker) Okay, I'm going to move this up, this wider. Gonna lose that. I've never even seen one of these!
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:Marge: Kids, would you like a balloon?
:Bart: (sarcastic) Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwypop. Actually, I would like a wowwypop.
:Lisa: Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwypop, I want a wowwypop.
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:Gay man: Alright then, we need a symbol for our campaign. Something that says we're gay and Republican.
:(A pink balloon in the shape of an elephant flies through the window.)
:Gay man: A little bit on the nose, don't you think?
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:Homer: (to Lenny & Carl) OK, ready, guys? One... two... three...
:(All three lift up their shirts; Homer has "M" on his chest, Carl has "O" on his and Lenny has "O" too)
:Homer: "Moo?!" Lenny, you were supposed to be "E"!
:Carl: See what happens when you skip rehearsal?
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:Moe: Am I really that ugly?
:Carl: Well, it's all relative, Moe. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat?
:Moe: Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought! (starts crying)
:(Homer, Lenny, and Barney start crying as well)
:Carl: (to the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.
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:(At the end of the episode)
:Moe: Hey, there's one thing I don't get, though.  When my face was crushed, why'd it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some third face that was different? It don't make no... (the end credits begin to roll.)
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:Moe: I've been called ugly, pug-ugly, fugly, pug-fugly, but never ugly-ugly.
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:Actor: [to the producer] But I've been playing Dr. Tad Winslow for 25 years! It's time I got a raise.
:Producer: Oh, shut up, you windy old hack.
:Actor: And another thing, you have to stop calling me that.
:Moe: [pushes the actor aside] Remember me? 25 years ago, you said I was too ugly to play Dr. Tad Winslow.
:Producer: I did? Well, that's why pencils have erasers, hon. You're our new Dr. Tad Winslow.
:Moe: Really? You mean it?
:Actor: But there can't be two Dr. Tad Winslows, that's going to... [realizes] Oh. [he takes off his eye patch, hands it to Moe, and walks off the set]
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:Lisa: I don't know if I'll be able to accept Moe as Dr. Tad Winslow.
:Marge: Well, I'm going to keep watching as long as they have shocking story twists and endless pillow talk.
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:Carl: So, Lenny, how are things working out between you and that girl next door?
:Lenny: Eh, it's over. She got a windowshade.
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:Homer: (reading the "It's Never End" storylines) Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists, with sexy results.
:Moe: Ooh, that's unexpected. What else?
:Homer: Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team, with sexy results.
:[Scene cuts to the Simpson home, where Marge and the kids watch the show]
:Bart: What's Dad doing on the show?
:Marge: Who cares? He's dishing out the dirt. [writes down "Sexy Results" on her notepad]
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:Producer: (to Moe and Homer) What the hell are you two doing?
:Moe: Sticking it to you for killing off my character. [he and Homer high-five each other]
:Producer: You idiot. Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
:Moe: Whaa?
:Producer: [holds up the script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
:Moe: I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
:Producer: No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
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:Homer: (Drinks his Duff Beer) You can really taste the goat.