2015 Power Rankings-Week 2

Posted 9/15/15 at 6:39pm
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 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!!
Boy did that go exactly as I thought it would. A big win for the commish, a squeaker from Papa’s Posse, a soul-crushing defeat for “Paddock 9,” an 0-1 start to the title defense for Reign Maker, and a scorched-earth beatdown by Cinderella story “Deez Sons of Bitchez.” If week one has told us anything it’s that this is not business as usual in the League of Champions. The bottom dwellers made their mark, our newcomer made a statement, and Chris’s team made a doodoo in its pants.
1(2). Deez Sons of Bitchez
It’s a man’s world no more. In the mismatch of the week, Dee’s high flying Bitchez took down the lowest scorer of the weekend, Goodell. Beating her projection by 46.6%, Dee benefited greatly from a back and forth Bears/Packers matchup and a Baltimore defense that put Baby Manning in the corner. Favorable player matchups give this team the edge over undefeated Papa’s Posse in week two by a narrow point margin. As of now Last Place Lucy has become Dominant Dee.
2(3). Garoppoblow Me
Choo Choo, suckers. Pain train, coming through. This is GBM’s first week one victory since the league’s innaugural year in 2011. In fact, last year GBM didn’t even win a game until week 8. GBM was led by the best 1-2 TE punch in the game, with Kelce beating his projection by over 200%. The Patriots QB-WR-DEF trifecta did enough to tidy this thing up before the Sunday games even started but how good is Brady’s offense really? He has a 11/3 TD/INT ratio lifetime against PITT but next week faces a Buffalo defense that just made Andrew Luck look like me in a flag football game.
3(4). The Shotti Bunch
Shotti is up to his old tricks. The Bunch moves to 4-0 in opening week games, having beaten Garappoblow me in consecutive seasons and Reign Maker in 2012. This strong opening week performance was revenge for last season’s week 13 matchup, when Reign Maker defeated Shotti Bunch 279-233. Shotti’s walking wounded of a bench will continue to be a concern as the bye weeks approach.
4(8). TEAM MANBEARBIG
The artist formally known as “Joe’s Okay Team” did more than okay this week. They burst onto the scene in dramatic fashion. Half man, half bear, half pig, half really lucky Hyde didn’t get another carry in that 49er game. 3rd highest point total of the week, MBP benefited from a porous Pats defense and Matt Ryan’s reliance on Julio Jones. With a favorable week 2 matchup with the reeling Goodell, MBP has a decent chance at being one of only 3 undefeated teams.
5(7). Paddock 9
The sun rises, the tides go in and out, and Paddock 9 loses a matchup by 1.36 points. The bad luck against MANBEARBIG, (the artist formally known as Joe’s Okay Team (formally known as IAMGROOT)) continues from last season, when Paddock 9 missed out on the playoffs by losing to this same team (albeit with a different manager) by 0.13 points. That being said, this team has a ton of potential to be great. They would have beaten 7 other teams this week. To make a bad thing worse, Paddock 9 easily benched the win with an RB and WR riding the pine at 25 points a piece. Last night was as gut-wrenching a defeat as you can have week one, as StatTracker incorrectly reported to the team manager that they had won. The League is launching an investigation into why the Fantasy God’s hate this team so much. The Matt Report to follow (in 3-6 months).
6(6). Papa’s Posse
In the words of Dennis Green, “they are who we thought they were!” PP is once again an anomaly, with players putting up goose eggs, late rounders coming up big, early rounders performing below average, and a 1-0 record at the end of the day. To say they benefited from an absolute implosion by their opponent would be an understatement, but they still showed some promise and just approved of a trade to bring top Oakland prospect Amari Cooper to the squad.
7(5). Reign Maker
This is not a good sign for perennial playoff team Reign Maker. During their championship season they only lost two games. A loss in week 2 would give them only the 3rd back to back losses in franchise history, Reign Maker needs a little Luck...I dare say, a little Andrew Luck. With Ellington sidelined for his 5,000 career 1-3 week injury, RM has to rely on Andy and the Great Woodhead to have another stellar week and for Miami defense to do it’s thing against Jacksonville. Their week 2 opponent, one of the two teams to beat them last season.
8(10). #FreeOJ
History has showed that when this team’s name is criminal themed they do significantly better. In 2013 they were 11-2 with “Hernandez’ Bracelets.” In 2011 it was “Bust a Cap” that came in 3rd place. The Be Better Than Last Year campaign is off to a rough start with #FreeOJ, but there was a hint of promise. Jordan Matthews is well on his way to a great season...for example. Uhh...there are other things too, I’m sure. Tannehill has the potential to unload on Jacksonville in week 2 and the matchup between “#FreeOJ” and “ma ma momma said” has to produce a winner.
9(9). Fire Goodell
Well the silver lining is that every team in the league would have lost to “Deez Sons of Bitchez.” The bad news for Fire Goodell is every team would have beaten them as well. One draft gamble that has immediately paid off is Ameer Abdullah, but that was the one bright light in a dark week. Without their kicker putting up 25, Goodell would have just barely made it over 100. This was the third worst performance in franchise history for Goodell, who holds the league’s All-Time win streak record with 9. However, the year he set that record he started 0-2.
10(1). ma ma momma said
I couldn’t resist giving this team the biggest drop in the history of the league. Has there ever been a more disastrous opening game? Old Man Manning was in post-season form and Dez Bryant broke his foot after only 5 receptions. the RB performance was by far the worst in the league and the glaring lack of TE removes any doubt that this team is in massive trouble. Could this be the year that MMMS falls from grace?
FRANCHISE RECORDS (Win %) - Updated Through Week 1 of the 2015 Season
Here are the all-time regular season records for all the teams that have ever played in the league.
*- Team has won a Championship
~ - Team is defunct
TEAM MANBEARPIG - 1-0 (1.000)
*Reign Maker - 38-15 (0.717)
*The Shotti Bunch - 25-15 (0.625)
~B-2 Hallway Gangsters - 8-5 (0.616)
*ma ma momma said - 31-22 (0.585)
Fire Goodell 31-22 (0.585)
~Brak and Yellow - 7-6 (0.538)
#FreeOJ - 28-25 (0.529)
~IAMGROOT - 13-13 (0.500)
~Big Sacks - 6-7 (0.462)
~Why am I doing this - 6-7 (0.462)
~bob’s bananas - 6-7 (0.462)
*Papa’s Posse - 21-32 (0.397)
Garoppoblow Me - 21-32 (0.397)
~butt fuckers - 5-8 (0.385)
Paddock 9 - 20-33 (0.377)
~GregCincoDos - 4-9 (0.308)
Deez Sons of Bitchez - 7-20 (0.259)
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK - Paddock 9 vs. Reign Maker
This week two matchups feature winless v. winless and two feature undefeated v. undefeated, which guarantees we’ll have two 0-2 teams, two 2-0 teams, and four 1-1 teams after week 2. The easy choice would be one of the two close battles between 1-0 teams but for my money I’ll take Paddock 9 vs. Reign Maker. After the crushing defeats in week 1, both teams are amped for a big game early in the season. Paddock 9 seems to be the favorite, especially after they blew past their projection in a losing effort last week. But you can’t ever count out the defending champ. Except for the second week in a row I’m doing just that. Paddock 9 pulls off the win as Reign Maker is once again done in by a stellar performance by the opposing defense.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT (OF AN ANNOUNCEMENT)
On October 1st, the first night of the 4th week of the NFL Season, I will be unveiling something the league has never seen before. It will be something everyone will enjoy and hopefully it makes the league that much more enjoyable. Mark your calendars!!!