SUFB Chapter 1: Big Homeschool

== Steven Universe Future Bloopers Edition! ==
by Peridot and Lapis Lazuli's Blooper Tablet.
=== Chapter 1: Big Homeschool ===
Director: OK, Steven Universe Future. Take 1, and... ACTION!
=== Cherry Quartz Reformation ===
=== Take 1 ===
[Open Int. Steven's Bathroom]
Steven is seen filling his bathtub full of warm water. He retrieves three Diamond Aura Bottles from the mirror cabinet, winking at himself in the mirror, and drips a drop from each bottle into the bathtub.
Steven: Mwah!
Steven kisses his finger, coating it in his healing spit, and dips it into the water but nothing just happened.
Director: CUT! Why isn't a healing water doing anything?
Steven: Uhhh, I dunno.
=== Take 2 ===
Steven kisses his finger, coating it in his healing spit, and dips it into the water, turning it into rainbow-colored healing water. He then reaches for a bubbled gem next to him.
Steven: ♪ Happy welcome back day~ ♪
Steven places the bubble in the bathtub and it pops, dunking the gem into the water. The formerly-corrupted Gem begins to reform except the light starts to explode including the Crystal Temple itself.
Director: CUT! Fix this scene already!
=== Take 3 ===
Steven places the bubble in the bathtub and it pops, dunking the gem into the water. The formerly-corrupted Gem begins to reform, revealing to be a Cherry Quartz. Startled by her own return, the Quartz stumbles in the bathtub.
Steven: Bonjour!
Cherry Quartz: You're speaking French, aren't you?
Director: CUT! You suppose to say "Hello!" in English.
=== Take 4 ===
Steven: Hello!
Cherry Quartz: Where am I? Who are you?
Steven: That used to be a loaded question, but now I can say with confidence that I'm Steven Quartz Cutiepie Demayo Diamond Universe!
Director: CUT! Don't reveal your full name!
=== Take 5 ===
Steven: That used to be a loaded question, but now I can say with confidence that I'm Steven Universe! And you're in my bathroom.
Cherry Quartz: *looks at herself in the mirror* What happened to me? *gasps and grabs the Gem Rejuvenator* What is this?! *points it at Steven in rage*
Steven: A Gem Rejuvenator?
Director: NOOOOOOO!!!
Cherry Quartz rejuvenates Steven heavily which causes him to poof/retreat back into his Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz gemstone.
Director: CUT!
=== Take 6 ===
Cherry Quartz *looks at herself in the mirror* What happened to me? *gasps and grabs the plunger* What is this?! *points it at Steven in rage*
Steven: You were corrupted in a Diamond blast, but you've just been healed! And that is a... (bursts into laughter)
Director: CUT! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
Cherry Quartz: You shut up! [wallops the director with a plunger]
=== Take 7 ===
Steven: You were corrupted in a Diamond blast, but you've just been healed! And that is a plunger... *lowers the plunger down*
[Trans. Int. Beach House]
Steven and Cherry Quartz walk out of the bathroom into his house.
Steven: Let me fill you in on everything you've missed.
Cherry Quartz: Missed?
Steven: We have some reading material, available in both English, Spanish, French, Polish, Arabic, Romanian, Korean, Hebrew, etc.
Steven hands a pair of brochures to Cherry Quartz, titled "You & Your New Horns" and "Era 3 & Me!".
Steven: Spa-
White Diamond: All across the universe,
Yellow Diamond: Ever compassion it,
Blue Diamond: Can you imagine it?
Spinel: Even if I'll sleep for half an hour, The clock will ring at six, I'll wake up in the shower with a stomach full of-
Director: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
Steven: White Diamond, Yellow Diamond, Blue Diamond and Spinel, could you go somewhere else, you're making the director angry.
Cherry Quartz: Which means that, they don't appear... yet?
Steven: Yes.
=== Welcome to Little Homeschool! Part A ===
WARNING: THIS PART, MAY CONTAIN GROSS AND DISGUSTING WORDS AND SOME VIOLENCE AHEAD!
=== Take 1 ===
[Trans. Ext. Crystal Temple]
Outside on the beach, the Dondai Supremo is parked on the sands, as Steven twirls the car keys on his finger. He proceeds to take the driver seat.
Steven: Watch your head.
Cherry Quartz tries to go inside the Dondai Supremo but she got hit by a front car door.
Director: CUT!
Steven: Sorry!
=== Take 2 ===
The big-sized Cherry Quartz curls on the passenger seat. Steven inserts a cassette tape into the music player and begins driving the car. Whilst the music tape is playing, it plays: Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max.
Director: CUT! That's the wrong music tape! Do you know the song is copyrighted?
Steven: Sorry! Wrong copyright song, I'll apologize.
=== Take 3 ===
The big-sized Cherry Quartz curls on the passenger seat. Steven inserts a cassette tape into the music player and begins driving the car.
Steven: Life is extremely same but a teensy winsy different these days. The Diamonds have invaded our brand new home. The intergalactic war is not over, and Earth is officially a crazy planet full of zombies. We're all unsafe to explore your nightmares. Lars opened up his disgusting pig shop, and it's got a real cruddy space gimmick goin' on.
Lars is seen sweeping the ground outside of his bakery, and he waves at Steven as he drives by.
Director: CUT! Steven, that's the wrong line!
Lars: You shut up! [wallops the director with a broomstick]
=== Take 4 ===
Steven: Sadie's was formerly touring with the Stupid Suspects for promoting their new album, but it got cancelled due to a large quarantine outside and Connie has not been getting a head start on kindergarten. She's 5'750 years away from applying, but she says "LEAVE ME ALONE!" to that ugly wormy smelly nappy baby, Duke of Poop!
Sadie Killer and the Suspects are seen rocking out with these face masks and gloves on, and Connie is seen crying in her corner at the room.
Director: CUT! That's enough with that disgusting, inappropriate language, Steven!
=== Take 5 ===
Steven: And speaking of lowlife education, Yellow, Blue, White and I have been blowing up a beach ball whilst everyone is acting stupid!
Director: CUT! This is no time for stupid pity pool parties!
Cherry Quartz: Uhhh, Steven? You know it might not be funny and not suitable for kids, right?
Director: And also, you said "Steven", Cherry Quartz! It counts as a wrong line!
Cherry Quartz: Oh, shut up! [wallops the director]
Steven: Uhhh, are we still getting paid for this?
=== Welcome to Little Homeschool! Part B ===
=== Take 1 ===
Steven: Don't worry about it. You'll learn all that, and more, right here at Little Homeschool!
Steven drives into the Gem town, as a Roaming Eye is seen flying off from it.
Steven begins touring Cherry Quartz around, as various Gems are seen enjoying themselves in their own activities.
Steven: Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to... (bursts into laughter)
Director: CUT!
=== Take 2 ===
Steven: Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on... (bursts to laughter again)
Director: CUT, CUT!
=== Take 3 ===
Steven: Here at Little Homeschool, you have a chance to rediscover yourself and learn to live on Earth if you like. You can forge a... (bursts into laughter hysterically)
Bismuth is seen teaching a blacksmith class while the Heaven and Earth Beetle watch on.
Director: CUT, CUT, CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!
Bismuth: What the?
=== Take 4 ===
Peridot is seen teaching a gardening class to Blue Lace Agate.
Steven: Grow your own idea...ah...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Steven sneezes onto Peridot, Blue Lace Agate and the flowers/plants.
Director: CUT! GET THOSE GEMS AND FLOWERS/PLANTS CLEANED UP!
=== Take 5 ===
Steven: And even find your outer Morp!
Vidalia is seen teaching an art class. Yellow Pearl is posing elegantly, while Crazy Lace Agate, Bixbite, a Nephrite and Blue Pearl draw her.
Director: CUT! It's "INNER MORP"!
Cherry Quartz: Wait, what's a "Morp"?
Steven: That's exactly the kind of question we love to hear!
=== Little Homeschool Lesson 1 ===
=== Take 1 ===
Steven brings Cherry Quartz to Garnet, who is seen teaching what looks like a yoga class to various Gems, such as Topaz, Zebra Jasper and a Ruby.
Garnet: Find your center, your very, very, very... (bursts into laughter)
Director: CUT!
=== Take 2 ===
Garnet: Find your center, your very core. Remember - your body isn't organic, but, it's also a reflection of your light projection.
Director: CUT! Garnet, that's the wrong line!
Steven: *standing upside-down* Garnet teaches, uhh... All sorts of... *Steven pukes out rainbows on Garnet*
Director: Oh brother!
=== Little Homeschool Lesson 2 ===
WARNING AWKWARDNESS AHEAD
=== Take 1 ===
Pearl is seen teaching some Gems too, such as Snowflake Obsidian, Larimar and Orange Spodumene, as she speaks on her cellphone.
Pearl: Hello? Pearl speaking.
Scene cuts to Dr. Brown Bear (from Peppa Pig). He saw ringing the phone as he picks the phone up.
Dr. Brown Bear: Dr. Brown Bear, speaking.
Pearl: I think you're a LOW-LIFE, BOTTOM-FEEDING, UNDER-EDUCATED, UNHYGIENIC, SLIMY, NO-NECK, TOXIC, TRIPLE-CHINNED, OXYGEN-WASTING, CRUDE, GUTLESS, FOUL-SMELLING, BUCK-TOOTHED, CORRUPT, FELONIOUS, DISGRACEFUL, DISEASE-RIDDEN, BULL-LEGGED, YELLOW-BELLY, BACK-STABBING, GHOULISH, VULGAR, DESPICABLE, WORM-HEADED, WORTHLESS PIG IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!
Dr. Brown Bear: What?
Pearl: ...in these hands.
Director: CUT! That's the wrong phone call! You can't make silly messages whilst you ringing a phone.
=== Take 2 ===
Pearl: Hello? Pearl speaking.
Pearl (from Spongebob & On Phone): Daddy, the house is full of burglars.
Director: CUT! Wrong call again!
=== Take 3 ===
Pearl: Hello? Pearl speaking.
Navy Company (on phone): Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.
Director: CUT! Wrong call again and again!
=== Take 4 ===
Pearl: Hello? Pearl speaking.
Garnet: *takes the phone* Hello. This... is Mom Universe. Yes. *adjusts her visor* The children are playing swords. Sorry— playing with swords. They're bleeding. Oh no, they are dead.
Director: CUT!
=== Take 5 ===
Pearl: Hello? Pearl speaking.
Pearl tries calling with the phone but no one picked it up.
Pearl: I don't think the phone is working.
Holo-Pearl: *speaking on another cellphone* This is Holo-Pearl.
Pearl: Oh hi, Holo-Pearl. To what do I owe the pleasure of your calling?
Holo-Pearl: Just calling to see how you are.
Holo-Pearl then instantly disappears, and its phone drops onto the ground.
Pearl: That's an example of the use of the human short-range telecommunications device, called a Rotom Phone.
Director: CUT! Pearl, that's the wrong line!
Cherry Quartz: Oh.
=== Little Homeschool Lesson 3 ===
Lastly, Steven brings Cherry Quartz to attend Amethyst's class, where Ocean Jasper, Biggs Jasper and Onion are gathered.
Amethyst: Hello. I'm Professor Amethyst. Go on, take a seat wherever. I'll be teaching "How to Decide Stuff for Yourself 101". Today's lesson is: there is no lesson. *casts aside her glasses* Just do whatever you want for an hour. *turns to Steven* Hey, Steven, you wanna grab some lunch?
Steven: Sure!
Director: ...?
Steven and Amethyst begin to walk off, leaving a confused Cherry Quartz behind with the class.
=== Steven and Amethyst ===
=== Take 1 ===
[Trans. Beach City Boardwalk]
Steven and Amethyst are seen sitting on a bench, eating fry bits and drinking soda.
Amethyst: *sighs* This school thing's such a cool idea. I love being a... (bursts into laughter)
Director: CUT!
=== Take 2 ===
Amethyst: *sighs* This school thing's such a cool idea. I love being a teacher. No one's ever looked up to me before, you know?
Steven: Uhhh... I dunno.
Director: Can you continue the line without saying "I dunno?"
Steven: Nope.
Director: Darn it!
=== Take 3 ===
Amethyst: Seriously, dude, it's been going great! Everyone wants to come and learn how to be a Good Girl in Simple Easy Steps!
Director: CUT! Amethyst, that's the wrong line!
=== Take 4 ===
Amethyst: Seriously, dude, it's been going great! Everyone wants to come and learn how to be an Earthling.
Steven: Uhh... not everyone.
Amethyst: Pfff! Man, forget her!
Steven: I don't get it. We've corrupt all these Gems, and didn't built this ugly cruddy town and the boarding school, because I wanted to eat your face and smash your gemstone. Knowing there's someone who loves you is very romantic, because of... my ugly pink princess marshmallow... Uh- I mean, Pink Diamond! Do you want to know there's a chance you could watch some TV or do whatever you want? You know what I did at school!
Director: Hang on a second... let me check the script.............?!
Amethyst: What?
Director: MONSTER KID!
=== Steven finds Jasper at the Woods ===
=== Take 1 ===
Director: ...and, ACTION!
[Trans. Int. Beach City Woods]
Some time later, Steven walks up into the woods at the outskirts of Beach City alone. He then comes across a clearing in the woods, with a rock cave with a drapery entrance, devoid of trees, plants and animals in its surroundings. Steven attempts to take a step forward, when someone yells out to him.
???: Hold it!
Steven looks around and notices a cloaked figure on top of the cave. The figure takes off the cloak, revealing to be Jasper, and she glares down at Steven.
Jasper: Ugh! What do you want now?
Steven: I want... to have a nice cup of tea and some fairy cakes, please!
Jasper: Sure you can!
The scene cuts to Jasper and Steven having a fairy tea picnic along with playing fairy toys.
Director: CUT! What the heck was that?
Jasper: You shut up! [wallops the director]
=== Take 2 ===
Jasper: Ugh! What do you want now?
Steven: Jasper... I just want to talk!
Jasper scoffs and jumps down, landing in front of Steven.
Steven: So, umm... how's it going? I know it's been a while since we last, uh, talked...
Jasper glares to the side, as Steven notices a ladybird entering the clearing.
Steven: Aww, it's a cute little-
Without hesitation, Jasper jumped and gets scared as she ran away.
Director: CUT! What the-
Steven: It's just a ladybird, not a beetle.
=== Take 3 ===
Without hesitation, Jasper stomps her foot on the bug, to Steven's horror.
Steven: Why did you do that?!
Jasper: Any Earthling that invades my space gets crushed. Took forever to yank those puny green Earthlings out of the ground.
Steven: You mean grass?
Jasper: I don't know their names!
Steven: So what's with the rocks?
Jasper: Training.
Jasper grabs a giant boulder in one hand and hurls it on Steven which causes him to scream in PAIN!
Director: CUT! Send Steven to the hospital!
=== Take 4 ===
Jasper grabs a giant boulder in one hand and hurls it on top of a pile of rocks in front of the cave.
Steven: Oh, I thought maybe- Uh!
Jasper walks past Steven, intentionally bumping into him.
Steven: -Maybe you were getting into art? That pile really complements the decor.
Jasper: Go away! *Jasper kicks the rock pile, causing a rock to roll towards Steven but the rocks hit Steven making him crushed*
Director: CUT! Jasper, you can't hurt Steven! You suppose to make Steven avoid, not to send him into the hospital, again!
Jasper: Oh, shut up and GO AWAY! [wallops the director]
NOTE: I skipped some of these scenes.
=== Come to Little Homeschool with Steven! ===
WARNING: VIOLENT REFERENCES AND DISGUSTINGNESS AHEAD
=== Take 1 ===
Steven: In that case, maybe you could come join us at Little Homeschool?
Jasper: Yes!
Director: CUT! You're suppose to say "NO!"
=== Take 2 ===
Jasper: No.
Steven: You know, half those Metals are aristocrats who fought that you don't know me before, you were corrupted and turned into horrible shrivelled snotslimers! They're ugly and lowlife and still very messed up, but they're getting the help they need.
Director: CUT! Steven, that's the wr-
Jasper: So? Who cares?
Steven: *getting angry* I do! And if you don't care, you'd still be a pig too!
Jasper: So what? Do I want to throw you into a boat full of piranhas?
Steven: *frustrated* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh!!! I only came here because you felt STUPID for you, but all of this, was not your fault! All the other Gems, humans, monsters, animals, SOULS, Weather Spirits, Flowers and Metals were corrupted by a huge Galaxy beam by Celostos, but- but you've got badly injured yourself just to lose a fight, which you WON, to MAE! No one's making you stay here for 6000 years like Spinel all alone in the middle of a deserty nowhere ready to fight a war that's been over for eternities! Are you just gonna burn here for 11 Minutes waiting for someone to give a damn clue?! Because I'm TRYING to help you make some delicious pancakes for Great Aunt-
Jasper: Listen, buff worm! You might not have Rose Quartz's gem, but you are my Rose Quartz! *presses her finger on Steven's forehead* And I am going to take orders from some ugly piece of smelly nappy baby, Duke of Poop! If you think you're easy to beat to tell me what to do, then fight me and prove your victory. *walks off*
Director: Oh brother!
Jasper: Really?
=== Steven vs. Jasper! - Round 1 ===
=== Take 1 ===
Steven takes on a fighting stance.
Jasper: Huh, well then! Why don't you throw the first punch?
Jasper beckons tauntingly at Steven, and he punches her in her arm, knocking her back a short distance. All revved up, Jasper laughs menacingly and charges at Steven.
Steven: I... guess we're doing this.
Steven quickly summons his bubble shield and Jasper punches Steven into the sky and landing onto Leftover School Dinners Dump from Skatoony.
Director: CUT! Get Steven cleaned up!
=== Take 2 ===
Steven quickly summons his bubble shield and Jasper punches him away, sending him rolling into the woods. Steven begins rolling away from Jasper, who chases after and attempts to punch him. She then deliver a kick, knocking Steven into a tree, which causes a bird nest to fall off a branch.
Steven: No, no, no, no! Babies!
Steven catches the bird nest and uses it to catch the falling baby birds. He then bubbles the nest and throws it into the bush, putting it out of harm's way.
Steven: Touchdown!
Jasper quickly approaches, and Steven summons his shield to block her attacks but Jasper kicks Steven very hard and knocked him into the large painful tree. He screams so loud that all of Little Homeschool's windows and glass break/shattered.
Director: CUT! Send Steven to the hospital!
=== Take 3 ===
WARNING: GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AND GORE REFERENCES AHEAD
Jasper quickly approaches, and Steven summons his shield to block her attacks, which knocks him off his feet.
Jasper: Stop trying to help those tiny flapping Earthlings, and fight me!
Steven: I'll never stop trying to help them! Or you!
Jasper kicks Steven's shield away, causing it to dissipate as it hits a tree.
Jasper: I need your help! *stomps on Steven* You're the best boy in the world. You think you didn't beat me, but you like to have some cotton candy, right? You've always been a fusion but, you're a great lovely boy and you want some help, aren't you?
Steven: OK, Jasper. I love- *Jasper accidentally crushes Steven very hard that it creates a pink explosion which causes Steven to blow him up to pink leaves and flowers.
Director: CUT! Send Steven to the hospital and Jasper, that's the wrong line!
=== Take 4 ===
Jasper: But it's only you. No one is as pitiful as you!
Shaken by Jasper's words, a pink glow suddenly envelops Steven. Manifesting this new power, Steven pushes back against Jasper's stomp with great strength, knocking her into the air.
Jasper: OUCHIWAWA!
Director: CUT! Jasper, you weren't suppose to say anything!
Pink Steven: Whoa. *examining his pink state* What?
Director: Oh dear.
=== Steven vs. Jasper! - Round 2 ===
=== Take 1 ===
Pink Steven summons a bubble glove on his hand and charges at Jasper.
Pink Steven: I'm... not... pitiful!
Pink Steven punches Jasper hard enough to send her flying through the woods, felling many trees in her path with unprecedented strength. Despite that, Jasper cries in pain after she gets hurt.
Director: CUT! Jasper, no making noises!
=== Take 2 ===
Jasper: Ha, not bad.
Jasper and Steven continue their brawl, with Pink Steven in the upper hand. Jasper charges at Pink Steven with a spin-dash, and he catches her easily in his hand.
Jasper: Nice catch but AWFULLY TERRIBLE!
Director: CUT! Wrong line, remember?
=== Take 3 ===
Pink Steven: You should see my throw!
Pink Steven's laugh becomes more maniacal as he kicks Jasper to the ground, then launches four shields around her, pinning her in place. Jasper grunts as Pink Steven begins to make a huge barrier while floating in the air.
Pink Steven: You're right, Jasper.
Director: WHAT THE?!-
Pink Steven's huge barrier grows spikes and his irises take on the shape of white diamonds.
Pink Steven: I have been holding you back now.
Pink Steven throws the barrier at Jasper. Her eyes widen in fear as crack of thunder flashes. Cut to black.
Steven (voice): Jasper, Jasper, Jasper...
Steven: JASPER! *Jasper wakes up*
Jasper: Uhhh... what just happened, Steven?
Director: Oh dear, here we go again.
Jasper: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, Cry if I want to (cry, cry, cry), I'll cry until the candles burn down this place, I'll cry until my pity party's in-
Director: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!Category:Almandine 2018
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