An Irregular Epic Final Dick Measuring Contest, Part I

"An Irregular Epic Final Dick Measuring Contest, Part I" is the fifteenth episode of Season 3 of Life in Bikini Bottom, and the 44th overall. It serves as the first part of the Season 3 finale.
==Characters==
TBA
==Synopsis==
SpongeCockia finally wages war upon Bikini Bottom, leading to a long, hard battle between both sides. (No pun intended. Also not actually a dick measuring contest).
==Plot==
The episode begins with an outside shot of the pinyapple while psychedelic music plays in the background. It cuts to a shot of inside the pinyapple, where Fatprick is walking through the halls while smoking a joint. He walks into the living room to be greeted by the rest of the SpongeCockians, who all start to chant his name. With a grin, Fatprick walks through the line and daps up everyone there, who are all holding drinks in their hands. “Well, Fatprick,” SpongeCock says while raising his glass, “we should’ve never underestimated you, gang.” “Come on, guys,” Fatprick says while blushing, “it was light work.” “Nah. Without you, we’d be Bikini Bottomite slaves!” Shitward says. “Your quick thinking destroyed both Bastard and the US,” Sully says. “We don’t have to go back anymore!” He says alongside X, who pours Fatprick a glass. “Here dawg, you earned it,” SpongeCock says, while giving Fatprick an ice cream cake. Fatprick takes a bite and shits instantly. “Oops.” Everyone starts laughing as they all clink their glasses together. “Fatprick! Fatprick! Fatprick!” They start chanting, as the camera zooms in on Fatprick’s face. The shot switches to Fatprick sleeping, as the SpongeCockians keep saying “Fatprick. Fatprick. FATPRICK!” Fatprick finally wakes up after the yell. “Huh?” He says, checking his boxers. “That wasn’t even a WET dream!”
“Fatprick, what are you doing? We’ve got a war to win! We’ve all been working our asses off, while all you’ve done is shit in your sleep!” Fatprick turns around to expose a brown spot on the back of his boxers. “Oh you gotta be fucking shitting me, THAT’S the only part of the dream that was true?!” Fricky, Scotty, and Ms. Puss walk in the room, carrying a bunch of supplies. “Welp, we got the stuff,” Puss says. “Thank god for the Antifa underground railroad, because it’s still brutal out there.” SpongeCock walks over to the window, to see that the border is surrounded by police. “Yikes. She’s not kidding. Those supplies should be good for now,” he says while getting down from the window.
The camera cuts outside to see the police waiting. Trump and Biden walk up to see that nothing has changed. “Come on, why can’t you just shoot them? It’s been 18 hours,” Trump says. “Usually if a woman doesn’t say yes to me by now, I just shoot her too.” “Well, we could,” the chief says, “but that would technically be a war crime.” “Pfffft. Who cares about international law,” Biden says. “If I’m gonna drone strike a country, I do it. Obama taught me that one.” Bastard also rolls up on top of Polfgecks652. “I agree with the two geezers, tear this place to shreds! We don’t fuck with traitors.” “Yeah, and I hate Jews,” Polfgecks652 says. “Uh, I mean, what my almighty leader said.” 
L’fuck the Lobster marches up to the front of the line. “Don’t worry, Lord Trump! Your wish is my command! For the one true president, great white hope, voice of the silent majority, Donald…. J…. TRUMP!” L’fuck yells as he pulls out his assault rifle and runs onto SpongeCock’s property. “No! L’fuck, come back! Goddammit, here we go again,” Bastard yells. “No no. This is the right way,” Trump says, as he pulls out a tub of popcorn. L’fuck goes up to the door and rings the doorbell. Everyone inside the pineapple has visible chills down their spine. “Alright, NO ONE answer it,” Bernie says. “After all, this could be one of Trump’s tricks.” “Pffft, no one would fall for those,” Fricky says. L’fuck starts sweating outside. “Uh, this is, uh…” L’fuck grins for a second as he begins to talk in a girlish voice, “Fricky’s real mother, ready to reveal herself.” Fricky jumps off the couch. “MOMMY!” he yells, running to the door. “FRICKY NO!” everyone else yells, but it’s too late, as Fricky opens the door and L’fuck starts laughing. “HAH! Fucking idiot,” he says, as he starts firing, with Fricky dodging. “RUN!” Fricky yells, as all of the SpongeCockians scream in terror. “Everyone, follow me,” Puss yells, as they all run up the stairs.
Donald Trump: I’m going down to Bikini Bottom, gonna grab myself a pussy!
SpongeCock + Shitward: Fascism is everywhere, you don’t know what you got into!
Joe Biden: I’m going down to Bikini Bottom, gonna sniff myself some hair.
Fatprick: I was gonna take a shit, the government is tryna stop me!
Bernie Sanders: I’m going down to Bikini Bottom, let’s have Medicare for All!
Gory: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!
Mr. Kraps: They just took all of me money…
Sheldon Bastard: So come on down to Bikini Bottom, because you’ll be my slave here!
The episode cuts to a shot of SpongeCock’s room, where Puss starts running to the door to his library. “Come on, everyone in here! It’s time that I show you some shit,” she says, opening the door and holding it open. SpongeCock has a deadpan expression. “My library? Why? We have no time to be reading my limited edition child porn!” Everyone stares at SpongeCock for a second. “Uh, I mean furry hentai!” SpongeCock’s bedroom door starts being bashed by L’Fuck, who is trying to pry it open. “JUST COME OR DIE!” Puss yells, as everyone jumps down the slide to the library. “Welp, that’s what I was gonna do anyway if I had my smut. Thanks a lot, Kirkburn!” SpongeCock says as he slides down last. The scene cuts to L’Fuck still trying to bash in. “COME ON MUSCLES, DON’T FAIL ME NOW! I’M GONNA NEED YOU TO GET TRUMP BACK IN OFFICE IN 2024 ANYWAY!” He then lays down on the floor for a second. “Urgh, I need to recharge,” he says, as he flips the lid of a jar labeled “Trump Splooge” and pops the contents into his mouth.
All of the SpongeCockians are now in SpongeCock’s library, which has now been remodeled into a secret base for Antifa. Everyone shares a wow, as SpongeCock shakes his head. “PLEASE tell me you kept everything,” SpongeCock said. “Why don’t you think my library never appears in any episode?” “Man, if you’re that horny, just get a bitch,” X says. “Okay buddy, at least my son knows I ex- I mean, uh, yeah but um, all the bitches just can’t handle me,” SpongeCock laughs it off. “Wow, this place might be better than Area 51,” Sully says, as the camera gazes upon all of the computers and gadgets. “Yeah, and we even have you to be our alien,” Scotty says. Sully turns red. “You know what… you just don’t know any better. I can count your IQ on only hand,” he says as Fricky punches Sully as revenge.
Puss starts typing on the computer as the monitor turns on. “Okay, I just need to scan the entire mob outside, and this thing will tell me how to handle it, Puss says. “Fricky, show everyone all of the weapons we bought. They’ll all need to gear up if we want to trash this dump.” “Ooh weapons!” Fatprick says while clapping. “Please give me a rocket launcher so I can have an accurate representation of my shits,” he says while pleading. “Uh… I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Fricky says. “Here, have this,” he says while handing Fatprick a nerf gun. Fatprick starts aiming the gun and doing several poses with them. “Yeah, no one finna be messing with me!” He says, continuing to pose while all of the others are carrying loads of weapons and armor behind him. “ComputerBitch 5000,” Puss says while typing, “how do we win this?” ComputerBitch’s face appears on the monitor, confirming that it’s indeed her. “You’ll need to cause division between Biden, Trump, and Bastard. While that’s happening, we can eliminate the rest. You guys are overthinking this, you’re against 3 dumbasses and their minions.” Puss laughs, “Haha… thanks for making me look dumb…” Puss says. “Wait, Ms. Puss, how did you get ComputerBitch 5000?” Kraps asks. “You mean you stole her from Sheldon Helldon Wankton Bastard himself?” “Oh yeah. It was actually quite easy,” Puss admits.
[cuts away to scene where a man in a trenchcoat walks up to the Cum Bucket. ComputerBitch 5000 opens the door in her mobile form. “Hello?” “Hey baby… you tryna have some fun with me?” The trench coat winks at her. “You know, I am married, but… eh, he’s too busy babysitting Trump and Biden. Plus I wanna dump him anyway, this’ll be a good excuse. Take me away!” She says, as she goes with the Trenchcoat. It immediately cuts to him taking her to the pinyapple, where Puss duct tapes her to the couch. “Got her! Thanks guys,” she says, as the trenchcoat is revealed to be Scotty and Fricky. “Aw man, I thought we was hittin’ that MILF!” Scotty says. “Huh?” “Motherboard I’d like to fuck,” Scotty says. “Please let me have that computerussy!”]
					THE OTHER SIDE
Trump, Biden, and Bastard are all still waiting outside of the SpongeCockia-Bikini Bottom border. “Goddammit, of course L’fuck is thinking with his dick and not his brain,” Trump said. “Yeah, he probably shouldn’t have gone in. Now he’s probably dead,” Biden said. “No, you old cum dumpster,” Trump replies. “I meant that he should’ve gotten them by now. I mean really, if you’re going to violate international law, at least kill the people that you’re trying to kill.” Biden laughs. “Boy, isn’t that right, Jack. Now, how are we going to win this war?” “I mean, it should be simple. We’re 3 of the biggest war criminals in the world. The US-Bikini Bottom relationship is too solid. You’re overthinking this, Biden. They’ll probably surrender in 2 minutes,” Bastard reassures him. “Well what are we waiting for? The sooner we get this done, the sooner I get to fuck my daughter,” Trump complains. “Hey cops, give us your guns!” “Well Donny, we’d love to, but we just can’t violate international law. Plus, only one of the people in that pineapple is black, why would you want to shoot anyone else?” “Listen,” Trump tries to persuade him. “If you give us your guns, then I’ll let you shoot all of the black people you want. But for now, we need to end this once and for all.” The cops all huddle together and agree. “Deal. But uh…” one of the cops tries shooting his guns, but they have run out of ammo. “Oops,” Bastard says. “Let me help you out. Come on Polfgecks, time to go back to the Cum Bucket lab.” Polfgecks comes back onto the scene and starts screaming. “GUNS ARE UNPRODUCTIVE! Please say you’re shooting X with it,” he says. “Alright, chill with the racism already,” Bastard says. “Remember, we hate all races,” he says, as they start to walk away.
As soon as Bastard and Polfgecks are off the screen, Trump and Biden turn to each other. “When should we tell him?” Trump asks Biden. Biden looks around. “Shhh. We have to keep it a secret. This is actually going well, don’t screw it up!” “Okay, but we have to tell him eventually. I mean, he really should’ve caught onto it by now. Only ones winning right now are the United fucking States of America,” Trump reasons. “He’ll find that out soon enough,” Biden says, as him and Trump shake hands. During this exchange, Biden leans in to sniff Trump’s hair and Trump grabs Biden by the dick.
				BACK TO SPONGECOCKIA
We cut back to the base, where everyone is heavily equipped with guns, explosives, and armor and is ready for war. They put the finishing touches on their equipment, including several blasters that Puss is preparing. She finishes charging the last one as she begins typing stuff into ComputerBitch’s keyboard again. “Alright, we should be just about ready. Here’s our plan,” she says, as she projects it onto ComputerBitch’s screen. “Kraps, Scotty, and X, you three will use the underground railroad to dismantle the Cum Bucket from the inside. Once that’s shut down, Bikini Bottom will lose access to many of their weapons. Sully, Fatprick, and Fricky will be responsible for holding down the base and SpongeCockia as a whole. If you can branch out and take land, then do it. Shitward, SpongeCock, and I will put ourselves on the front line and carry out all negotiations. As the three best shooters here, we will use everything we have to defeat the Bikini Bottom army. Any questions?” Puss asks. “Three best shooters? SpongeCock sucks at shooting!” Shitward says. “Hey, just because I got it on Assy’s face doesn’t mean I can’t be accurate,” SpongeCock rebuts. “No, Shitward,” Puss responds, “trust me, he’ll be fine. Alright, it’s time!”
“And, uh, what about me?” Bernie asks, “Come on, I am your secret weapon after all” “ Bernie, I thought you hated war!” Fricky exclaims “Exactly! I say we indict them on war crimes for invading SpongeCockia and getting the ICC involved,” Bernie says, as everyone looks at him. “Well, uh, it’s kinda late for that,” Puss says. “Just stay here, I’m sure you know what to do.” “Fatprick, isn’t your dad supposed to tell us what to do with Bernie?” SpongeCock asks him. “Hm, I don’t know. Haven’t heard from him lately.”
[cuts to Fatdick in New Kelp City trying to reach Fatprick, but he can’t get ahold of him. He then throws his phone at the floor. “Goddammit Fatprick, I knew that whore should’ve swallowed!”]
It cuts to the group of SpongeCockians going to battle, as they shoot up from the library to get back upstairs. “Alright, where is that MAGA fa-” SpongeCock begins to say before Puss covers his mouth. “Hey, just because it’s a war doesn’t mean that Fandom Terms of Use doesn’t apply, sweetie ” she says. “Sweetie?” SpongeCock asks, confused. “Uh, nevermind,” Puss says. At that moment, L’fuck the Lobster finally barges through the door right in front of them. As he busts through, the wall turns to dust, and he is breathing heavily. “FINALLY! All that TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP power really helped me. Now, time to carry out-” he begins to say before Puss, SpongeCock, and Shitward all continue to blast him. He tries to walk forward to get them but becomes slower with each step, as he eventually collapses. “Got him!” SpongeCock says, as L’fuck is moaning. “Come… closer…” he says, as SpongeCock leans in. “Tell my wife…” L’fuck begins, shedding a tear, “...that I’ll NEVER LOVE HER AS MUCH AS I LOVE OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT, DONALD…. J…. Trump…” L’fuck says before finally dropping dead. “Well, that was… something. One down, a bunch more mothafuckas to go,” Shitward says as they all fist bump.
It cuts to outside the pinyapple, where everyone is still waiting. Biden checks his watch. “Come on, it’s been 10 days,” he says. “This is my longest abstinence streak ever!” “First of all, it’s been 10 hours,” a random fish says, “and second, 10 days? Man you really are a victim.” “What’s wrong with getting it as a kid?” Trump asks, as all of them turn to the pinyapple. The leaves on top fall over as a platform rises with Puss, SpongeCock, Shitward, Fatprick, Sully, and Fricky. “Attention Bikini Bottomites,” Puss says. She then holds up L’fuck’s corpse, as everyone in the crowd gasps at once. Trump starts crying. “NO! HE WAS MY MOST LOYAL BOATER,” he screeches. “Wow, you made Donald cry. Shame on you!” Biden yells. “He invaded our country, what the hell do you expect?” SpongeCock says. “Yeah! We popped that fool’s ass,” Shitward adds. “So how we finna settle this shit?” Trump and Biden nod at each other, calling the US Air Force. “Hey, uh, you might wanna get down here. Yup. Starts with war, ends with a SpongeCockia victory,” Biden says. “Uh, I mean, US-Bikini Bottom victory, of course. Alright,” as he ends the call and shakes hands with Trump. “SpongeCockia… you fucked up. ATTACK!” He orders, as the mob all start pulling out weapons and fire towards the pinyapple. On impulse, everyone on the roof presses a button that drops them back down into the house.
“Holy shit, what have we done?” SpongeCock ponders. “It’s what we had to do. This is what it was gonna come down to. War,” Puss says, as she briefly looks outside before almost getting grazed by a bullet. “I’m glad we bought those steel walls at least.” “Pffft, you guys are being pussies. I go through war everyday on the toilet, do you see me complaining? I’m a seasoned veteran at this shit, watch.” Fatprick opens the door and walks on, as everyone else pleads not to. All of the Bikini Bottomites stop shooting as Fatprick speaks. “Ladies, gentleman, I have a proposition for you.” He then turns around and pulls down his short, trying to push out a shit. He groans as it cuts to shots of everyone else confused. “UUUUURRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH… goddammit, I knew I should’ve eaten that extra ice cream cake this morning! Alright, give me a few min-” he gets cut off as someone shoots him and hits him in the ass, with him falling forward and closing the door. “FATPRICK!” SpongeCock yells while running over to assist him. “Are you okay?” Fatprick acts like he’s dying for a second before getting up. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. But uh, that’s gonna leave a mark,” he says, as a hole is shown to be out of his asscheek. “Second time being shot this season,” Shitward points out. “What can I say? I’m a big target,” Fatprick shrugs it off. “Wait, he got shot?” Sully asks. “Yeah, whole thing, we made a deal about it, anyway WAR!” Puss yells at everyone to remind them. “Oh right.” Fricky agrees. “Hey dad, how about before we die, you tell me who my mom is, huh?” “We’re not gonna die, Fricky,” SpongeCock says. “Well, Fatprick might. but that’s beside the point,” he tacks on. “Yeah, we’ll be fine,” Puss says. “Everyone recharge your blasters. We’re not going out without a fight!” They all cock their blasters back, as they all roll out for battle.
Sully, Fatprick, and Fricky all stay back near the pinyapple, quickly building a base behind it where they can easily hide and gain new land. SpongeCock, Shitward, and Puss all start maneuvering through the underground railroad, using a shuttle to find where to go up. “Alright, here is good. It’ll lead to a big rock wall that we can set camp up,” she says. “Great. Time to penetrate their ground,” SpongeCock says, as Puss nods. “Yeah. Just like the old days.” “Huh? What old days?” “Oh, just uh, Antifa stuff.” “Right…” SpongeCock says with his eyes narrowing. “Alright, grab my tentacle,” Shitward says, as he reaches up above the shuttle and they make their way to the surface. He opens a hatch and crawls out, with Puss and SpongeCock following him out. They are behind a row of rocks, somewhat away from the Bikini Bottom military mob, but still in visible distance. “Alright… on a count of 3, we pop out and start firing,” Puss warns them. “1… 2… aaaaaaand they’re already going,” Puss says, as SpongeCock and Shitward are already firing shots. They knock down some members of the mob, gaining an early edge over Bikini Bottom. “Eh, what the hell,” Puss shrugs, as she starts firing too. Some bullets graze both of them, but they maneuver their way around the battle ground and start knocking down most military members. One of them hits Shitward with a bullet, who falls to the ground. “I need cover!” He says, as he crawls over to the rock and starts to administer care to himself. “You good, Shit?” SpongeCock asks. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I learned this technique back in the day,” he confirms, as he pulls out a speaker and starts playing “The Next Episode” by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg as he sings along. “La-da-da-da-da, it’s the motherfucking D-O-double G! La-da-da-da-da, you know I’m mobbin’ with the D-R-E! Alright, all good now,” he says. “Talk about anti-climactic,” SpongeCock says, as a bullet grazes him. He then turns back to shoot, continuing to cause major damage.
The camera pans over to Trump and Biden hiding behind a rock, watching the whole war take place. They keep seeing the trio take down soldier after soldier, starting to get worried. “Dawg, it’s like a 3v1000. How the fuck are we losing?” Biden asks. “It’s because your strategy sucked! Go back to fucking children. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ll join too,” Trump corrects himself. “Man, it’s a good thing this is the season finale, because these pedophile jokes are really getting lazy.” “Yeah, thank god. And so is Bastard! What’s taking him so long?” Trump asks Biden, as he nods his head. “That fucker hasn’t done shit for us. We put our hand out for help, and all he’s done is try to divide and conquer us. It’s not gonna happen,” he says, banging his fist. “Tell you what,” Trump proposes. “Once the air force comes here and sweeps the place, this is just US land. No one will stop us, and I mean NO ONE.” They bump each other’s fists, as Trump pulls out a bucket of KFC and starts chowing down in celebration, as they both watch the battle even more. 
					THE CUM BUCKET
Bastard is seen, before the events of the last scene, entering the Cum Bucket to get weapons. Polfgecks is right behind him, chanting “WAR! WAR! WAR!” “Yeah, I bet you love war,” Bastard says, “after all, you’re Obama and Biden’s biggest supporter.” “Yes! Augh…” Polfgecks says, as Bastard opens the door to the Cum Bucket. He turns on the light to see that ComputerBitch is gone from her usual spot, and her mobile version is shut off as well. “CB?” Bastard asks, as he starts running around the place. “Polfgecks, have you seen ComputerBitch? She was supposed to be here this whole time!” “Augh, I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to women. Well, unless they’re fruit, of course!” He says, as he licks his lips and pulls out a grapefruit that he starts to shove his girthy robot banana cock into. “And…” Bastard continues, “WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY WEAPONS? URGHHHH!!!” “Now, now, master, just do what I do when I’m enraged. “WHAT?! FUCK A FRUIT?! THINK OF BIDEN?! I’M NOT YOU!” “Well now, that hurts,” Polfgecks says. “I am so useful. In fact I have some news for you right now.” “Yeah? And what’s that?” Bastard asks smugly. Polfgecks then prints out an invoice that confirms that the war has officially started. “See? Am I useful now?”
“Ohhhhh shit. Well uh, we better find those weapons then. And ComputerBitch. Here, follow me,” Bastard says as Polfgecks follows. “Uh huh. Not so useless after all, isn’t that right?’ Polfgecks asks Bastard. “Yup. Not useless.” “Mmm hmm. And to think I’m helping you and not Biden-” “Okay look, you made your point,” Bastard says while yelling. “Now shut the fuck up!” Bastard then continues to walk towards his lab before he steps on a patch which falls down under him. As he screams, Polfgecks rolls over. “Coming boss!” He says, as he drills through the floor with his robot cock. Bastard lands on the ground, as he rubs his head before Polfgecks falls on top of him. “Ow. Well boss, we’re all safe!” Polfgecks says as he rolls off of him, showing a splattered Bastard on the ground. “Yep! Safe we are!” Bastard says while grunting, as he gets up and wipes himself off. “Where the hell are we?” He asks as the camera pans over the area to show that it is the underground railroad that the SpongeCockians were talking about. “This seems fishy. Someone definitely must’ve built an underground pathway to our base. Well, this is some bullshit. WE CAN’T LET THEM FIGHT BACK!” Polfgecks rolls away from Bastard as he gets worried about him. “Come on Polfgecks, we gotta murk these fools! Come back!”
Polfgecks looks away from him and sighs. “Look. I can’t keep doing this anymore. I have to fight for the right people.” “Oh you can’t be serious. How could you possibly want to be a SpongeCockian?” “No, not them! I mean fighting for Biden and Trump! They said that you were the weak link out of the Bikini Bottom alliance, and I must say I agree. Plus, Trump is an orange, so that just makes me hornier.” “WHAT?! When the fuck did they say that?!” “It was in the invoice. There’s people dying and we’re losing. I gotta use my banana blast powers to win. Sorry Sheldon, but it’s joever,” Polfgecks says, as he begins to drill. back up to the surface. “Come on Polfgecks, I need you! Don’t you want to rule this place with me? Don’t you want Biden and Trump to suck you off? I promise it’ll happen. You just have to trust me on this so we can destroy those cockmunchers.” Polfgecks seconds guesses himself and sighs. “Fine. But I only want Biden to suck me off. Last time Trump gave head it came out green,” he points out, as he picks up Bastard and they both zoom off.
					BACK AT WAR
Fatprick, Fricky, and Sully are all seen behind the pinyapple, still evading shots from the Bikini Bottom army. Fatprick is positioned right next to the door of their shed, ready to block both Fricky and Sully. “Augh… I’m starving… I hope these people have ice cream cake!” “Shut your fatass up,” Fricky says. “I’m starving for answers and you’re here complaining because you haven’t eaten in 30 minutes.” “40 minutes, actually! Get it right!” Fatprick corrects him. “Come on, let’s barge forward,” Fricky says. Fricky runs out of the shed as he tumbles onto the ground. He hides behind a rock while he shoots, knocking down several soldiers with ease. “Just like Call of Booty,” he says, as he signals for Sully and Fatprick to move forward with him. Fricky crosses onto Bikini Bottomite land as the others follow him.
“Hey Star, lemme show you what those Area 51 assholes taught me,” Sully says, as he winks. “GRAAAAAHHHHHHH!” He screams as he grows several inches and gets abs. He then runs forward and jumps over Fricky, blasting several shots at the Bikini Bottomites as they all start to flee. “What the fuck? How come you kept this a secret?” Fricky asks him. “I love shocking mfs. Don’t take me for granted,” Sully says, as he kisses his bicep. Fatprick is seen in the back clapping as he uses his sheer strength to pick up the shed and launch it to where Sully and Fricky are. “RAHHHHH! I didn’t learn any new powers, I just gain unnatural strength when I’m hungry,” Fatprick clarifies. Sully and Fricky go into the shed to reload their ammo, getting ready for the next wave of soldiers.
The camera pans over to SpongeCock, Puss, and Shitward, who were watching the other three while taking care of business on their end. They continue to hide behind a sheet of rocks while poking out to fire shots. “Let’s go! SpongeCockia’s getting bigger by the second,” Puss says. “This should be free until the end.” “Sure is. These pussies ain’t doing shit,” SpongeCock says. “All because of us,” Puss says, with her arm around SpongeCock’s shoulders. “Uh… what are you doing?” “Nothing,” Puss quickly shuts down as she blushes. Shitward throws a grenade out, as he hides for cover and it explodes as we hear a “MY LEG!” being shouted. “Popped another blood,” Shitward says, as Biden and Trump are looking on.
“URGH! I AM GOING TO GRAB ALL OF THESE BITCHES BY THE PUSSY IF THEY DON’T WAKE THE FUCK UP!” Trump yells, throwing his binoculars. “YOU’RE THE PRESIDENT!” He then yells at Biden. “DO SOMETHING!” “Chill Donny, the air force will be here shortly. For now, let’s just grab them all by the pussy anyway.” Trump rolls his eyes. “Here, I have an idea,” he says, as he pulls out a megaphone and turns it on. “FREE CHILD PORN! COME GET YOUR FREE CHILD PORN HERE!” He yells, as we immediately see several jets land on the ocean floor. Hundreds of troops jump out as they all scatter across the battlefield, shooting towards the SpongeCockians. “Wow Donny, that was great,” Biden admits. “How’d you know to do that?” “Well Joe, when you’re a businessman like me, you learn quite a few tricks on how to sell people. Plus, I was president for 4 years. It’s not hard to see that our military is full of groomers.”
Puss is looking distressed as she peeks over the rock that she’s behind. “Welp, the Americans are here,” she says as she turns to SpongeCock. “This is gonna be hell.” “Hey, it’s just a bunch of lardasses. Nothing too big of a deal,” SpongeCock tries to shrug it off as several bullets go through the rocks and graze him, as he falls down. “Okay, maybe it’s a problem. We’re screwed.” “Nope.” Shitward says, as he gives them all extra armor. “I don’t need all this, I’m skinny as a bitch. Plus the others are getting more land, we chillin.” They all bump fists as they continue to fire more shots at the others.
We cut back to Sully, Fatprick, and Fricky, who are all struggling due to all of the air force units. “Fuck man, this shit’s rigged,” Sully says, while continuing to fire shots. “I don’t wanna go back with these damn fools!” “Well, look on the bright side. At least you’d be fed that top notch alien diet!” Fatprick says as a grenade rolls over. All of them jump out of the fort, barely escaping the blast. This exposes them, however, and they all start to make a run for it. “All I wanted was to find out who my mom was,” Fricky says while on the run, rolling his eyes. “And now I’m running for my life.” We zoom out to see that Polfgecks is following them in a tank, firing missiles that all of them manage to dodge. As they keep running, they hide for cover behind Fatprick’s rock. “Phew. Home sweet home!” Fatprick says. “We could’ve just stayed here the whole time, you know,” Fricky challenges. “Would’ve saved us some trouble.” “Yeah, but SpongeCock’s house is where all the good snacks are,” Fatprick clarifies. 
At that moment, the tank makes its way around the rock and finds the three of them. “Well, well, well,” the soldier driving confronts them. “You’ve got no place to hide now.” He puts another missile in the tank, getting ready to fire. “WAIT! Is that child porn over there?” Fricky says while pointing. He successfully distracts the soldier, who yells “WHERE?!” and turns around, prompting Fricky and Fatprick to open the rock and jump in, closing it before letting Sully in. The soldier turns back around to see that only Sully is there, as he shrieks. “YOU BASTARDS!” Sully screams while banging on the rock. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GRAB ME TOO!” At that moment, the soldier gets out of the tank and picks up Sully, duct taping his mouth shut and putting him in the back of the tank while tied up. Sully gasps for water as the soldier pulls out a phone. “Welp, we got one of them,” he confirms. “Over.” He then drives away with Sully, leaving the other two under the rock.
We cut to inside the rock, where Fricky and Fatprick are breathing hard. “Man, that was close. How’d you know they’d take the bait?” “Pffft, EVERYONE knows that the military is full of groomers. Ain’t that right, Sully?” Fricky asks, as he turns to his left and Sully isn’t there. “Uh… Sully? SULLY?! FATPRICK, WHERE’S SULLY?!” “Uh, I dunno… *burps*” “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PULL HIM IN!” “WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THE WORK FOR HIM? HE HAS 6 TENTACLES, HE CAN DO IT HIMSELF!” “Ugh! Now what do we do? Go fess up to Puss? She’ll be pissed!” “Hey, maybe she’ll have all that anger built up and strap on that 10 incher for us, ya know what I’m saying?” Fatprick says while chuckling. Fricky has a deadpan expression as he sighs. “Alright, we can’t hide forever. Let’s go,” he says, as they both exit the rock.
				MEANWHILE, UNDERGROUND
We cut to Bastard, who is roaming around the underground railroad with a flashlight in his hand. “Think Sheldon, think. There’s gotta be something here. If only Polfgecks was still with me, he’s good at forcing himself into places where he shouldn’t be.” Bastard laughs it off as he continues to turn the corner. He then stumbles across several computer pieces scattered across the ground. “What the hell? Is this… no…” He stops and picks up several pieces to study this. “These are ComputerBitch’s mobile pieces! Those cock lanterns butchered her up! Only I get to do that! Oh, it’s so over for these bitches! They gotta be around here somewhere.” Bastard throws the piece down and keeps walking forward.
The camera pans over to Kraps, Scotty, and X, who are all walking through the railroad with their weapons in hand. “Man, this shit’s boring,” X says. “Why can’t I tote my guns like the rest of them?” “Couldn’t agree more. As a staunch supporter of the second amendment, I love waving my AR15. And selling child porn,” Kraps agrees. Scotty shakes his head. “Aaaaand there it is Uncle Krabs.” Kraps stops walking for a second. “You know, I’d have a hard time shooting Trump,” he confesses. “Oh come on you red gorilla,” X disagrees. “When I was in Area 51 they taught me the shoot first ask questions later mentality. Now we gotta use that shit against them. But you have to be 100% on board, no pussying out. What about you Scotty?” “Well, I just wanted to rebel with Fricky, but yeah I’ll pop any blood.” “You’re red, you fucking idiot,” X points out. “Oh, right.” “You know what, fuck this,” Kraps says. They make us do the easy work while they’re the ones actually getting to shoot. I wanna get a piece of the action,” he says, as he uses his claws to chip away at the ceiling of the railroad. “But Kraps, we gotta get the Cum Bucket, that’s where all the secrets are!” “Who cares about the Cum Bucket? No one’s there, no one’s gonna be there, and there’s nothing there for us! Hell, there’s no one down here either! Ever since I dumped Puss, she’s hated my guts!” “Wait, you dated Puss? When?” Scotty asks. “Before you were born. She cheated on me, and… it’s whatever. But that’s not the point. We need to get back at her. It’s not like there’s anything to do down here anyway.” At that moment, Bastard and Polfgecks round the corner. “Hmm, nothing down here, ay Kraps?” Bastard asks, as he and Polfgecks start laughing.
“AHH! I KNEW IT! SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER!” X says, as he goes to fire a shot at Bastard. “Fuck! My shit’s jammed!” Scotty and Kraps both try to fire shots too and succeed, but Bastard evades them and Polfgecks blocks the rest of them. He grabs both blasters from them as all three of them start to run. Bastard jumps on top of Polfgecks as he goes after them. “How did he get down here?” Kraps asks. “Clearly because we didn’t cover our tracks!” X says. They all turn the corner, evading shots from Polfgecks, who has not forfeited any speed. “Come on Polf, pretend that they’re unraped strawberries! Or Biden’s cock!” All of a sudden, Polfgecks gets faster, almost catching up to them. “Look! It’s the base! We’re almost there,” X says, as they inch closer to the ladder. It cuts to the inside of the base, where Bernie is still here. “2024… 2024… what could’ve been. Too bad the script says I still have to suck Biden off. Eh, fuck the script,” Bernie responds, as both of them hear noise outside of the base.” Bernie then hears the noise coming from outside of the base. “This isn’t safe anymore, I’m not dying for these cumsuckers,” Bernie announces as he drinks an invisibility potion and vanishes.
On the outside, X, Kraps, and Scotty all make it up the ladder to get into the base, barely being able to close the hatch. “Phew, that was close. Perfect time to restock!” Kraps says, as they all head for the ammo. Bastard and Polfgecks make their way to the hatch, as Bastard dismounts from him. “Hm, this must be their base. This is how we end them once and for all! Come on, we gotta drill this bitch up!” Bastard climbs up the ladder and gets to the hatch, to see that there is a security system attached to it. “Hello. Please say the correct password,” the system says, as Bastard breaks a sweat. “Uhh… open sesame?” “Incorrect, try again.” Bastard rolls his eyes. “Here, let me handle this one, boss,” Polfgecks says. “No one can beat be in a 1v1, not even a security system. I’m lethal beyond the arc.” Polfgecks cuts the system off, using his massive robot cock to drill a hole in the hatch. “Password: Big Biden Balls,” he says smugly, as he picks Bastard up and both of them enter the base.
Kraps, X, and Scotty are still all rummaging around for new blasters, as ComputerBitch turns on by herself. “Guys, we have a security breach,” she tells them. “Bullshit, no one can get through here. Because ‘Puss knows best,’” Kraps says while making air quotations. “Turn around,” she says, as Polfgecks and Bastard both make it inside. “Thought this was over?” Bastard asks, as Kraps and Scotty gulp. X cocks back his blaster as his eyes narrow, as it cuts to Bastard with him doing the same. 
A card saying “TO BE CONTINUED…” appears on the screen, as Fatprick walks across it. He then turns to the camera. “What? I was trying to find the limited edition Joe Biden-Nikocado Avocado scat inflation porn ” he says, shrugging. “Okay, don’t judge me,” he says, as the episode ends.
Category:Life in Bikini Bottom
Category:Life in Bikini Bottom episodes
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:2023
Category:2023 Episodes
Category:2023 Transcripts
Category:UltraFuse
Category:Spectromite Studios
Category:DanzxvFan8275
Category:Episodes written by DanzxvFan8275
Category:FireMatch