The Ascension

The Ascension is the seventy-second episode of Cult of Squid. It released on January 25th, 2024 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
Azryth launches an attack at Heaven's earthly gate, prompting the angel Rigel to recruit Squidward and Noseward to stop him; SpongeBob and Plankton go on an infiltration mission to figure out what exactly Project Phoenix is mining underground.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins at the still abandoned Glove World; the place has been completely overtaken by seaweed and looks incredibly run down since the last time it was inhabited to any degree, aside from three familiar looking faces walking around. The camera zooms in to show us Scooter, Fred, and Nancy, alive and well walking around)
Fred: (walks into a curb and falls down) MY LEG!!!
Nancy: Fred, you need to get over that habit, remember that the angels fixed your legs permanently?
Fred: Angels, schmangels. We’ve sat here for over 3 years, and they never returned like they promised. I just want to run out of here.
Scooter: Fred, dude, you know we can’t leave. We swore to the angels we’d stay here until they came back.
Fred: Do you even remember what we swore to?
(They all just stare blankly at the floor)
Fred: Exactly. Now, help me scale the perimeter of this dump.
(The other 2 watch as Fred tries jumping to grab the top of the wall surrounding Glove World; when he finally reaches it, he struggles to climb over it, but when he tries to climb over it, he runs into an invisible barrier)
Fred: What the Hell?!
Scooter: Wait, wasn’t this, like, what the angels told us? That we’d guard Glove World, but an invisible barrier would prevent our leaving?
Fred: Oh, damn, you’re right. (Sighs) Well, I guess I-
Scooter: Wait, Fred! Do you see that?
Fred: See what?
(Scooter points at a large red dust cloud is seen forming and then blasting toward Glove World) 
Scooter: THAT! What is THAT?
(The cloud slams into the barrier but fails to breach it)
Nancy: Whatever that is, it sure seems hellbent on getting in.
Fred: Weapons! Do we have weapons?
Nancy: Yes, we do! Check the Ferris Wheel!
(They all run towards the Ferris Wheel and grab a gun, and begin firing at the red cloud; however, their bullets do nothing; the red cloud continues to try to enter but is unable to breach the barrier)
Fred: This is freaky! The angels didn’t warn us about stuff like this!
(The red cloud goes a far ways back before it charges at the barrier, succeeding in breaking it; however, the sheer force of the impact causes it to slowly dissipate)
Fred: Well… That’s not ideal.
(The three all inspect the hole now torn into the barrier and stare out into the dead fields of Bikini Bottom)
Fred: Do you think the angels should know about this?
Scooter: Yes, I think they’d, like, want to know.
Nancy: But how do you contact an angel?
Fred: I don’t know, but we better find out - this can only mean trouble.
Scooter: Uh… Guys? 
Fred: What, Scooter?
Scooter: Do you notice that red fog?
(All three of them look out the barrier and see a blood-red fog slowly swirling in the distance)
Fred: What the…
(They all stare each other and open fire at the fog, but it doesn’t do anything)
Fred: Damnit, it’s not doing anything! We need help, fast!
Scooter: Hey, Nancy, like, do you remember that flare gun the angels gave us? 
Nancy: Of course, I always held on to it!
Scooter: Shoot it up. FAST! Maybe it’ll, like, summon an angel!
(Nancy reaches into her pocket and pulls out a blue glowing flare gun, which she fires into the air; we cut to the lodge basement)
SpongeBob: How long do we have to stay down here? There’s really nowhere else we could go?
Crayons: I told you, SpongeBob, until I can make us weapons!
SpongeBob: Well… is there anything that we can do? Go out and stretch my legs or something? 
Crayons: I guess, but don’t stay out too long. We can’t risk another close call like with Strangler.
Plankton: I’ll go with, a walk sounds heavenly right now! 
SpongeBob: That was…oddly calm of you. 
Plankton: Just because I’m crazy doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate a good walk every now and then. Who doesn’t like some fresh air?
(The room begins to shake and an empty shelf falls off of its wall hinges; Squidward enters the main room)
Squidward: CRAYONS! WHAT’S GOING ON!
Crayons: I DON’T KNOW! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?
Squidward: YOU’RE SMART! 
Crayons: (pulls out computer) Some form of seaquake? Not a major seaquake, just enough to make things a little shaky.
Squidward: Should that be a concern?
Crayons: Yes, it really should be. There isn’t a fault line near us, meaning somebody’s drilling underground for something BIG. 
Squidward: What could be underground that warrants enough drilling to cause a seaquake?
Crayons: It obviously has to be something of great value. I’ve read of there being a mystic gem formation underground, but I searched for days, and never found it ever. So it’s probably just a seatale.
Squidward: Well.. I think we can say without a doubt, it’s Phoenix doing this. Who else would drill underground like that?
Crayons: I think we can only hope that they don’t find us here. There’s not much else we can do here.
(Another seaquake shakes the basement)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, what if I took Krabs and Plankton to go stop it? 
Squidward: I mean I suppose you could, but where would you get the weapons? Supplies? 
SpongeBob: Crayons, how fast can you make us weapons?
Crayons: I’ll need some time. 
SpongeBob: Well, what can you give us right now?
Crayons: Some rope, couple of hooks, and a comically large double sided warhammer.
(Camera hard cuts to show a large warhammer; SpongeBob snickers)
Crayons: Something funny?
SpongeBob: No, no - that hammer is just goofy.
Plankton: Wait, has that just been here the whole time?
Crayons: Quite frankly, I didn’t see the practicality of it. But, it’s yours, if you want it.
(Crayons tosses it towards SpongeBob, but a seaquake happens right as he is about to throw it, and it hits him on the head)
SpongeBob: OW!
Crayons: Sorry! 
SpongeBob: It’s okay, we’ll just go try to find the center of the mining operation. 
Squidward: Are you sure that’s a good idea? A hammer wouldn’t be nearly enough to beat Phoenix if you encounter them.
SpongeBob: If they’re just mining I’m sure it’ll only be a couple of goons. 
Crayons: No, I agree with Squidward. We can’t risk losing men.
Plankton: What kind of wuss talk is that?
Crayons: Pardon?
Plankton: We’ve done so many things that could have led to the loss our our own men. Why would we stop doing them now? 
Crayons: Well, I guess-
Plankton: Come on, I’ll go with him. I have the knowledge needed to know if we’re in serious danger. Just let us go.
Squidward: As you wish. Just be safe out there, okay guys?
Plankton: Believe me, they’re the ones that have to worry about being safe. Especially if they run into ME.
(SpongeBob and Plankton leave the basement; as soon as they get outside, they’re stopped by a flash of white light followed by a large winged creature emerging from a newly formed pit in the ground)
SpongeBob: Wait, aren’t you-
Rigel: I’m here to atone for my sins. But I’m not here to talk to you. Can you please get Squidward and Noseward up here? I can’t penetrate the sigils around this base of yours.
Plankton: God damnit, we don’t have time for this angel s[dolphin chirp]. Just let us through-
(Squidward and Noseward emerge from the trapped door)
Squidward: The noise came from that w- (Notices the angel) Ohhhhhhhhh…
Noseward: You-YOU?!
(Noseward runs at Rigel and tries to punch him but Rigel side steps, causing Noseward to face plant)
Rigel: Please, gentlemen! I’m not here to fight you.
Plankton: SpongeBob, come with me, we have a mission to complete!
(Rigel stares at SpongeBob and Plankton but allows the pair to go without a fight)
Squidward: So, why are you here then? You weren’t interested in talking to us last time. 
Rigel: I’ll make it simple for you. We need the Book of the Damned. 
Squidward: This again? I already told your boss that we’re not giving it up.
Rigel: Why not? We’re ANGELS, we’re the good guys here. And let me put this into perspective; if we don’t have the book, we lose the war, and your world suffers the consequences.
Squidward: Woah, back up there. War?
Crayons: Great, just what we need. More war! We went to war with Satan, we’re already at war with Phoenix, we just won the war against the Snowflakes and Skelfingin, now we’re called for ANOTHER war.
Rigel: This isn’t like any of those other wars. This entire WORLD loses if you don’t give up the book. 
Squidward: Why should we give it to you, though? You tortured my friend because you thought he was lying about something he couldn’t have possibly known about. What else are you willing to do to win this war?
Rigel: I understand your concern. I really do. If I was in your position, I would probably be skeptical too. 
Squidward: Good, then you’d understand we don’t trust you.
(Rigel ponders for a moment, then sighs)
Rigel: Squidward, Noseward - I’m sorry for this.
(Rigel places his hands on Noseward and Squidward’s heads; zoom into Noseward’s head as we see a blurry vision of a red cloud attacking Glove World; Zoom out and back in to Squidward’s head, where we see a blurry vision of the world on fire, the sea drained, unholy forces marching across the land, and Squidward’s tombstone; cut back to the two of them falling to their knees hyperventilating)
Squidward: (Short on breath) Oh… Oh my god…
Noseward: THEY’RE ATTACKING! THEY’RE ATTACKING THE - (looks around, sees he’s no longer in a vision, begins breathing heavily) You son of a bitch, we’ll comply..
Squidward: So long as we keep the book, we’ll go with you.
Rigel: I’ll see what I can do to change your minds about that, but this is urgent so we must go now!
(Rigel teleports Squidward and Noseward into Glove World; cut to Plankton and SpongeBob at the entrance of a large mine)
SpongeBob: How did you know this was the place to go?
Plankton: Well, I am a genius, and this is the back entrance to the old Chum Caverns.
SpongeBob: Did you know there was something weird going on down there beforehand?
Plankton: SpongeBob, I met a bunch of weird cave people. I think that was weird enough.
SpongeBob: What happened to those cave people, anyway?
Plankton: No idea. Maybe they went extinct.
(Plankton and SpongeBob enter the cave)
SpongeBob: Do you got a light?
(Plankton blinks three times as his eye begins glowing like a flashlight)
SpongeBob: Uh…
Plankton: It’s an installation I installed 7 years ago, don’t ask anything else. Now, we have a mission to-
(Plankton turns to the cave and sees a big pile of corpses of the cave dwellers with their blood etched and splattered onto the wall)
Plankton: Neptune…
(SpongeBob stares in total shock and vomits on the floor)
SpongeBob: They- they wiped them all out… 
(Plankton walks towards one of the lifeless corpses, puts his hand on its wrist, and stands up shuddering)
Plankton: The bodies are warm, too. Whatever happened here, it happened very recently, likely a few minutes before the tremors.
SpongeBob: I think I’m gonna be sick…
Plankton: Let it all out, SpongeBob. It’ll make you feel better. I’ll bet those damned Phoenix people did this. I just can’t believe someone would be so cold-hearted…
SpongeBob: I think it’s just Lord Royal Highness. He controls all of them, this was directly his doing. (Turns green as he vomits on the floor again)
(There’s a distant voice)
Plankton: (Quiet voice) Crap, there’s someone here! Don’t be loud! 
SpongeBob: We gotta hide!
(Plankton shushes SpongeBob, but deep footsteps boom from across the cave)
Plankton: (Quiet yelling) QUIET! QUIET! WE NEED A PLACE TO HIDE!
SpongeBob: (Quiet) We need to exit the cave!
Plankton: (Quiet) No, they’ll hear us!
(The footsteps grow louder and louder as SpongeBob and Plankton nervously looks around; cut to 2 Phoenix soldiers running onscreen holding guns)
Phoenix Soldier 1: FREEZE!
(The soldiers look around and see no-one; the soldiers exchange glances)
Phoenix Soldier 2: No one here. Should we continue our duties?
(The first soldier takes a good long look in front of him before nodding; they both go back deeper into the cave, as the camera reveals SpongeBob and Plankton hiding behind the corpse pile; SpongeBob and Plankton, after looking at the guards walking away, nod at eachother confidently as it cuts back to them walking, before out of the darkness, SpongeBob punches the first soldier and then the second, knocking both of them to the floor)
Plankton: Nice hit, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hey, I have an idea - let’s gang their disguises so we can go deeper in the cave! You know, without being shot!
Plankton: Not a bad idea, but these clothes are, like, 20 times my size.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry. You can hide in my pocket. 
(SpongeBob unclothes the guard, and throws both of them into the corpse pile, looks deep into the darkness, sighs, then trudges forward)
SpongeBob: I don’t know what we’re gonna find down here, Plankton, but we need to prepare for the worst.
(The two walk into the uncertain darkness as it cuts back to Squidward and Noseward, standing at the gate of Glove World)
Squidward: Glove World? What the hell are we doing here? Is this some joke?
Rigel: I assure you it’s not. Glove World has always been an important place for us angels.
Noseward: Why? Because you like cheap thrills in a cash-grab amusement park?
Rigel: No, because Glove World is the link between Earth and Heaven.
Squidward: Say, wha?
Rigel: When your Cult took over, this place became as good as abandoned, so the Heavenly forces decided to use it as the gateway between Heaven and Earth. Past those gates lies the portal to the other side. 
Squidward: How come we didn’t notice that when we fought the Feathered Friends here? 
Noseward: We did what?
Squidward: It was I destroyed the timeline.
Noseward: I still don’t get that concept.
Rigel: Sorry to interrupt, but we can’t waste any time. The reason you never realized was because before you fought the Feathered Friends here, you hadn’t gotten into kahoots with Satan himself. 
Squidward: I’m sorry about all that. It was a move of desperation. 
Rigel: Good thing is that you were able to put that cat back into the bag. God only knows where you’ll go when you pass.
Squidward: Thanks? 
Noseward: That is a good point though Squidward, you’ve gotta be the only person ever to both release Satan and then put him back away.
Rigel: Okay, enough chit chat. Azryth found out that the gate to Heaven is here, and he’s been sending flurries of increasingly powerful attacks. We need to stop him from entering Heaven otherwise it’s game over for all of us.
Squidward: How do we stop him?
Rigel: We put him six feet under.
Noseward: Isn’t Hell technically like a lot of feet under-
Rigel: When angels and demons die, they don’t go to hell. 
Noseward: What does that-you know what, I don’t even want to know. 
(Rigel pushes open the gates and sees the place is enveloped by a red fog)
Rigel: Oh no… They already got inside…
(The red fog swirls into a big ball of fog before collapsing in on itself, and in a bright flash, Azryth soon reveals himself)
Azryth: What a surprise! My favorite angel, no, my SECOND favorite angel, and my two favorite mortals. Anyways, I’ve taken the liberty of taking the survivors here as hostages. 
(A bright light suddenly illuminates a small ticket booth where Nancy, Fred, and Scooter and banging on the window)
Scooter: LIKE, LET US OUT, DUDE!!
Azryth: I was going to take their souls as soon as I got here, but I thought it’d be more fun if I did it in front of a… LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE!
(Azryth snaps his finger, and a large amount of demons appear through a red fog and begin to set up folding chairs to watch Azryth’s twisted game show; Azryth snaps his fingers and Noseward and Squidward are forced into chairs with their arms tied behind their backs, Rigel gets put onto a large spinning wheel)
Noseward: Okay, what the f[dolphin noises] is GOING ON?! 
Azryth: Calm down, Noseward, I’m just having a little fun!
(Azryth begins throwing shining blades at the wheel, each one grazing Rigel enough to cut him; the cuts radiate with light) 
Azryth: Welcome to my game show, The Ascension! How does this game show work, you may ask? Well dear viewers at home, The Ascension is a show where each lucky contestant gets to answer one simple question for me! 
(A demon wearing a top hat runs out next to Azryth)
Demon: But what IS that question?
Azryth: Simple as pie, little one! Do you want me to suck out your soul and leave you on this Earth as a husk, or kill you in one of many fun, horrifying ways and send you on a one way ticket (points finger up) RIGHT UPSTAIRS!
Squidward: YOU’RE COMPLETELY INSANE!
Azryth: You’re goddamn right I am! I have near limitless power now Squiddy, and I haven’t even made it to Heaven yet! 
(The camera shows that both Noseward and Squidward have been secretly undoing the ropes tying them to their chairs) 
Noseward: (whispering to Squidward) You grab one of those knives, I’ll cause a diversion. 
Azryth: Who’s going to be our LUCKY first contestant?!
(Azryth notices Fred whimpering in fear)
Azryth: YOU!
(Fred suddenly appears next to Azryth, the demon audience begins roaring with cheers and laughter)
Azryth: You know the game, don’t you pal? 
Fred: Can you just make it quick?
Azryth: So you’re choosing to Ascend? 
Fred: Please, I don’t want to feel trapped anymore! I won’t even be able to feel MY LEGS without MY SOUL!
Azryth: Well I guess the joke’s on you then, I’m taking all of your souls and I’m leaving. 
Squidward: Wait, WHAT?! Is this all some big joke to you?!
Azryth: Yes, it is. It really, truly is. 
(Azryth begins to suck Fred’s soul out of his body; cut to the mines, where SpongeBob and Plankton trudge deep into the darkness)
SpongeBob: Plankton! I some light!
Plankton: Go to it, man! Go to it!
(Suddenly, they hear guns being fired in the distance)
SpongeBob: Guns? This deep?
Plankton: They’re probably killing more Cave Dwellers. Go deeper, man!
(SpongeBob runs deeper into the mines as the gunshots get louder; eventually, they stop in amazement as they see something off-screen; the camera reveals a huge drill mining a glowing blue gemeroid)
SpongeBob: Holy shit! That must be what they’re mining!
Plankton: SpongeBob, look over there!
(SpongeBob and Plankton look to their right and see a line of citizens wearing handcuffs, orange prison jumpsuits and bags over their heads all walk in unison to a shooting gallery comprised of Phoenix guards; one of them raises a flag and the two witness in horror as the prisoners are shot to death)
Plankton: Brutes! 
(All the guards suddenly look at SpongeBob and Plankton)
SpongeBob: SH[dolphin chirp]! 
(The guards all suddenly drop to their knees and bow as SpongeBob and Plankton look confused; They soon hear footsteps behind them as they turn slowly to see LRH towering above them with an impatient glare)
LRH: EXCUSE ME! OUT OF MY WAY.
(They both suddenly dash out of the way as LRH slowly marches to the blue gems)
Phoenix Miner: Sir, we have your daily gem source ready!
LRH: Excellent. Supply me at once!
(The guards present LRH a bowl of crushed up gems as LRH grabs it all and squeezes it so hard it starts glowing blue and absorbs within his skin)
LRH: Good job, you all. Now keep at it! Slack off, and you’ll be part of the shooting range. I have eyes EVERYWHERE.
(LRH turns his attention to SpongeBob and Plankton)
LRH: Well? what are you two just standing there for? Get back to work! NOW!
(SpongeBob and Plankton quickly run toward the gems, and LRH watches them as if he half knows who they are, but soon slowly turns around, still with his eye on them, as he walks out the cave)
SpongeBob: I feel that was too close for comfort.
Plankton: Either way, we have to stay here until we figure out what exactly they’re using these gems for.
(Plankton pulls a gem out of his pocket and it begins to glow blue as he holds it in his hand; cut back to Noseward and Squidward, who are almost done untying themselves)
Noseward: NOW!
(Noseward breaks through his rope and jumps out of his chair, every single demon stands up and Azryth stops sucking Fred’s soul out of his body and drops him)
Azryth: Where do you think you’re going? 
Noseward: Well, I was leaving but-
(Azryth appears next to Noseward and grabs him by the throat)
Azryth: But Noseward, we were having SO much fun!
(While Azryth and his demons are distracted, Squidward runs up to Rigel and lets him free, then grabs himself a blade)
Squidward: (inspecting the cold blue-ish metal) What the heck type of blade is this?
Rigel: Angel blade. These things can kill pretty much anything as long as it’s not more powerful than an angel or God I suppose.
Squidward: Cool! 
(Azryth lifts Noseward off the ground by his neck)
Azryth: Come on Noseward, what was your play here? 
(Azryth turns his head and looks to his side)
Azryth: You really thought that I didn’t notice Squidward freeing Rigel? I mean I gotta admit, hats off for the sheer amount of guts you two have, but it was really quite stupid. 
(While Azryth’s monologuing, Squidward runs up behind him and stabs him in the back with the blade)
Azryth: HRUK-
(Azryth looks down as blood begins to seep from his wound)
Azryth: Sorry, lads. 
(Azryth holds out his hands and suddenly every single demon around him collapses to the ground, before burning to a pile of ash as their darkened souls rush toward Azryth; his wound heals and he pushes the blade out)
Rigel: What’s preventing you from doing that to us?
Azryth: I am simply not strong enough yet. I’ll get there. You three aren’t going to live to see it. 
(Squidward throws Rigel the Book of the Damned)
Squidward: Whatever you gotta do, DO IT NOW. 
(Rigel begins flipping through the pages as Squidward tosses Noseward a blade and the two begin a swordfight with Azryth)
Azryth: Really? A duel? I could do this all day. 
(Squidward swings his blade at Azryth who catches it with his claws, then he pushes the blade back at Squidward, hitting him in the face)
Azryth: That’s gonna leave a mark!
(Noseward tries to stab Azryth from behind with his blade but Azryth leaps up and flips behind him, then he pushes him over)
Azryth: Really, points for trying you guys. I’m going to need that book. 
(Azryth walks up to Rigel who’s still desperately flipping through the book; Noseward and Squidward get up and run at him)
Noseward: Let’s give him the ol one two special?
Squidward: Noseward, we didn’t rehearse- oh what the hell. 
(Noseward hands Squidward his sword and then pushes Azryth into Squidward, who stabs him with both blades)
Azryth: You PARASITES! You’re such annoyances, I hope you two know that. Now then, I believe you have something for me, Rigel. 
Rigel: I’m not letting you breach Heaven. 
Azryth: Well, that was originally my plan, but you IDIOTS brought the Book of the Damned right here to me! It’s the ultimate weapon!
Rigel: You’re lying. This is just a show of force, you can’t actually get into heaven, can you?
Azryth: Well I mean technically-
Rigel: Oh, I get it! I’m dedicated to my mission too, my mission has always been to stop you. And I made a mistake and I killed my sister, and that’s going to haunt me for the rest of my days. But having done that? I haven’t been back to Heaven since! I’m recently damned, but you? You’ve ALWAYS been damned, haven’t you? Good and evil, right and wrong, it’s all relative, it’s all such a sham. Doesn’t matter what side of the coin you’re on, we’re all damned.
Azryth: Very enlightening speech, Rigel.
(Azryth casts Squidward and Noseward off of him, shattering both blades as his wounds heal)
Azryth: I don’t care what I am and what I can and can’t do. It doesn’t matter because I’m going to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and nobody’s ever going to stop me. 
Squidward: We’re going to-
(Azryth kicks Squidward in the chest as he walks up to Rigel)
Rigel: (lands on the right page) abierunt daemonium-
(The book begins to glow purple but Azryth stabs Rigel through the chest with his razor like claws)
Rigel: daemonium-
(Azryth tightens his grip and pushes his claws in further, causing Rigel to run out of breath and drop the book)
Azryth: I’ve had my fun Rigel, I really have, but I’m really sick of everyone meddling with my plans.  
Rigel: (struggling) You know that you can’t- you can’t ever replace Him, right?
Azryth: (grinning) I’m not trying to replace him. I just want him to know that his creation is damned.
(Azryth rips his claws out of Rigel’s chest, causing Rigel’s grace to be expelled from his vessel. Azryth catches it all in his claws and balls it up, then swallows it whole)
Noseward: Did you just-is he-
Squidward: He did.
Azryth: I’ll let my hostages stay here, turns out I don’t need them anymore. 
Squidward: Why are we still alive? 
Azryth: Because, I want you to watch as I burn your world to the ground. I’m going to take everything from you, just like how you took everything from me.
Squidward: What are you talking about-
Azryth: Until next time, gentlemen!
(Azryth vanishes in a cloud of red smoke and the fog lifts; Squidward and Noseward just breathe heavily at the now-empty amusement park as they fall to their knees, continuing to breathe heavily as they then pass out on the floor as the episode zooms out and cuts to black)
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