Bacon of Hope

“	Pancake: ok just read bacon of hope and there was no bacon<BR>Tox: The title is very misleading.	”
 	—Regarding the book 	—Regarding the book
Bacon of Hope was a book written by Panda as a gift for Tox in the Summergate Secret Santa. It told a fictional account of Acey's history, the creation of Dragonhollow, and the origin of some of its residents. 
Its claims were considered blasphemous by the Priesthood of Eris. 
As proof that you can't judge a book by its cover, the title had absolutely nothing to do with the written content within. 
=Locations=
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===Fourth Era===
*Retro's Used Books
===Fourth Era—Present===
*Remembrance on Mnemosyne
===Eighth Era===
*Silo Library
===Eleventh Era===
*Novigrad Library
=Content=
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Dear Tox,
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This book was made FOR YOU ONLY! Congratulations! You're special! Marry Christmas! No, really, Christmas is a great person. Marry her.
Prologue:
There once was a lonely wanderer named Acey. She was laughed at, taunted, and beat by her superiors. She wandered the universe, searching for somewhere to call her home.
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Chapter 1: Acey's Peril
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Acey had gone through countless worlds, none of them interesting her. But alas, she kept trying to find someplace. See, a wanderer is only a wanderer if wandering. So if Acey found a home, she wouldn't be a wanderer. Not being a wanderer means that she wouldn't be laughed at, beaten, or taunted. Instead, she would taunt, laugh at, and beat her previous superiors.
It wasn't long before Acey heard the mating call of her kind; it kind of sounds like this: EEEE-OOOOO-AAA-KUUUUNNNN-YYUUUURR. She quickly went to the world it was coming from, and its landscape amazed her. She flew over the land, quickly finding the organism who was calling the mating call. She asked him for his name, and he replied "Dolhpujn." Acey thought to herself, "That's such a sexy name, this man must be my husband," and after thinking much about this "Dolhpujn", Acey was filled with lust.
Quietly, she followed Dolhpujn to his home, and once asleep she mated with him. In the morning, Dolhpujn woke to see the beautiful lady was next to him, naked, not covered by the blankets. Dolhpujn was surprised, he never expected his mating call to reach such a beautiful person! When Acey woke, she woke to the scene of Dolhpujn staring in amazement at the naked lady.
Acey sleepily said "Morning, loverboy." 
To this, Dolhpujn said "W-W-What!?"
"We mated last night, and I took a pregnancy test. I'm pregnant...with your child!" Acey said, excitedly.
Her life as a wanderer was over now, and she could live peacefully with this handsome young fellow. Dolhpujn quickly grew a smile on his face, and kissed Acey. Acey kissed back.
Chapter 2: Acey's Birthing
Precisely nine months later, Acey gave birth to three wonderful children. Dolhpujn and Acey named them Fluffy, Panderps, and Tox. Soon afterwards, Dolhpujn mated once again with Acey.
Then again, nine months later, she gave birth one more time. They named them Retro, Jevie, and Sprankles. They repeatedly mated until they had populated the world. Yet Acey was not satisfied with this low amount of mating, she wanted more.
She had become too lustful, and so she went off in search of more of her kind to mate with, possibly many to mate with at once. But what becomes of the world, you may ask; well, it was well populated, but with the loss of their beautiful mother the children went insane.
They caused havoc, burning down other buildings, giving themselves titles, putting banners on their heads. However, soon Acey was satisfied with her mating, and she returned to the world to be with Dolhpujn.
The world saw peace once again, but she had forgotten that they were her children and Dolhpujn her husband, and in a daze she mated with many of the people. More children arrived, and the world had too many people in it. 
Acey quietly tasked Panderps with killing some people and stealing their items. She promised him safety, and that no one would know. He swiftly did this, knowing his mother would soon be proud of his deed. He killed the extra children Acey had during her daze and the world was once again at a nice population size.
Acey ruled the world, forgetting about Dolhpujn. She treated them all harshly, making them not be able to recover from injuries. She made scrolls for teleportation, but sold them at a price. She made a large city in the middle of a snowy wasteland. 
The world was thriving, but it's people weren't. They were dying off, but after the murder that Panderps had done, Acey made it so no one could really die. They just went to Grim, Lord of Death. She made them in constant pain, and soon the people gave her the title Eris, Goddess of Discord. 
It was a fit name for a cruel lady.
The people banished her from their land. The land revolted. It shifted, and whispered in the wind that the only way to stop the revolt was to bring Acey back. However, Acey had left it behind. It no longer interested her, and the land kept the revolt going, still going on today, forever happening until Acey returns to the world and brings back the pain that the world once enjoyed watching.
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The End.
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But WAIT! THERE'S MORE! What became of the children, you say? 
Fluffy went on to write Fifty Shades of Acey, a porno featured Acey as the main character.
Panderps went on to be on trial for the mass-murder, and actually wrote this book.
Tox went on to wish for this book from Panderps. 
Retro went on to help people, being the kind, caring, loving individual who believed that Tox still loved him in a sexual way.
Jevie went on to build a mansion, keeping to himself, and eventually giving a book full of his life story and personal feelings to Tox. Tox eventually married Jevie, and the two had many children.
Sprankles lived his own life. He becomes a scientist, and astronaut, a stalker of Retro, a maid, and an explorer. He accomplished many things, including the faking of the Apollo Moon Landing (we all know it was fake), creating the Illuminati, and killing Donald Trump.
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The End.
For Real.
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BUT WAIT! THERE'S EVEN MOAR!
Donald Trump went on to look like a swan, and even perfected the swan dive, and ended up feeding his little Trumplings a small loan of a million dollars.
Now, you may be thinking "Just get it over with already!", and to that I have to say I will...as Shia Lebeouf would say, "JUST DO IT!"
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The End.
Category:Books