Apoca-Rick/Script

Nice Peter: Hello, I’m Nice Peter.
George Watsky: And I’m Watsky, fools.
Nice Peter: And this is Total Drama ERB. Where we take famous and historical figures, and pit them in challenges not legal for people who aren’t them.
George Watksy: Last time, our old friend Batman came and gave us a hand, and took our guinea pigs all the way to the crime-ridden Gotham City, where they had to look for Batman’s sidekick and my second homie, Robin. However, in a change of plans, we disqualified Marilyn Monroe for looking for sexy times with Robin, who’s at least 10.
Nice Peter: Now we’ve got a surprise for them so big, we can’t even be on the island.
George Watsky: Yeah, we’re in a glass observatory 5 miles above land. *taps on glass* It’s sound-proof and structurally sound.
Nice Peter: Is that legal to use sound in the same sentence twice?
George Watsky: Is it legal to do what we’ve done with the contestants? Tune in to find out! 
*The scene cuts to Leonidas and William Wallace arguing on a hill, with the others watching.*
William Wallace: Don’t make me get ya a soup can to be buried in, ya weak little lad!
Leonidas: Don’t tell me you plan on killing a great king, Mr. Birthday Party Face paint!
Joan of Arc: Christ this is annoying.
Al Capone: You can say that again.
Goku: This is great. I love it when two weaklings bicker about themselves. Makes them look like bitches.
Al Capone: Well it ain’t great when they bicker the ENTIRE NIGHT!
Goku: Sleep is for the weak.
Al Capone: Your eyes are shutting.
Goku: I’m trying to think.
Al Capone: So that’s what you space freaks call it? It was lovely to know you were bitching about your beauty “thinking” all damn night!
Goku: I’m new to the English language!
Al Capone: Whaddya speaking now, huh? French?!
Justin Bieber: Guys, don’t argue! It’ll tear apart the teams! We can’t have that!
Al Capone: I’d rather tear apart the team if it means no more of this putz on my time. 
Goku: On your time? Who’s saved more planets than they have hands to point at themselves?
William Wallace: The overgrown ape?
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Hey. This is a camp we’re at, and I’m just helping us by adding more fuel to the fire. That’s all.
Goku: Son of a bitch! I’m a saiyan!
Al Capone: What are you saying? It ain’t anything intelligent, that’s for sure!
Mr. T: Momma, help me!
William Wallace: Don’t worry laddy, she can change them panties while she’s at it! And Leonidas’s too!
(Confessional) Al Capone: I decided to make a hit list of punks to kill on this island, and I think putting Goku on the top seems fitting. You're going down, pajama alien.
Bob Ross: ALL OF YOU PIECES OF SHIT SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTHS!
*everyone looks at Bob Ross, shocked at his tone.*
Bob Ross: Thank you. Magical helicopter cowboy, the sound waves are yours.
*Bob Ross looks up at Rick Grimes, who is in a helicopter.*
Rick Grimes: Thank you, afro man. 
Now, Peter and Lloyd have brought me to this shithole to tell you what you have to do today. Since it wouldn’t be legal to bring in actual walkers, they settled for robots with paintball machine guns. Your goal is to survive the longest without “dying” at the spinny hands of one of these little fuckers, ‘kay?
Goku: Easy peasy. One blast from me and this whole island will be sorry.
Rick Grimes: Oh, and your only allowed weapon is a plunger with a potato tied to it. Not much to say about that, other than you can have more than one. *Rick throws 21 plungers down to the players* First come first serve, no savesies. That’s all.
*Grimes’ helicopter takes off.*
Leonidas: I call the-
*William Wallace grabs three.*
Leonidas: What the hell do you plan to do with those?
William Wallace: More than ya could do with one!
*Everyone except for Eve, Master Chief, Justin Bieber and Leonidas grab a plunger, leaving them disappointed.*
Eve: Oh great, now what?
Leonidas: Come be with this man, instead of two face the amusement park clown over there.
William Wallace: Take her, ya shite! I don’t want sticks!
Adam: You could come with-
Goku: Hey babe, wanna fly? Okay. See you guys later!
*Goku grabs Eve and flies away with her.*
Leonidas: Next time, make your move before the douchebag does.
William Wallace: Just because ya don’t like me, don’t make me a vagina cleaner!
Miley Cyrus: Anyone else hear that noise in the distance?
*The sound of gigantic, machine gun-armed robots rocks the surface of the island, alerting the players.*
(Confessional) Leonidas: We’re supposed to fight THOSE things with a plunger? Like damn, those things are like 20 stories tall and louder than me…but I mean, I can fight them off…I’ve got this, and I can’t let my team down. Totally not scared.
*One of the robots shoots Leonidas with a paintball the size of an adult male.*
(Confessional) Leonidas: Aww.
William Wallace: RUN FOR IT, LADS!
*Everyone except Cleopatra begins to run in every direction.*
Cleopatra: Joan, darling, be a babe and carry me.
Joan of Arc: Excuse me?
Cleopatra: I SAID, CARRY ME!
Joan of Arc: No thanks.
(Confessional) Cleopatra: Transvestites are so annoying. 
*The scene cuts to Al Capone, Adolf Hitler and Bob Ross running off in the distance.*
Al Capone: This challenge sucks. I’d rather have a zombie after me than Godzilla and a washing machine’s lovechild with a machine gun.
Adolf Hitler: What?
Al Capone: Whaddya mean, “what”?
Adolf Hitler: What was that you said?
Al Capone: I said that I don’t want to die to those things.
Adolf Hitler: What things?
Al Capone: The robots!
Adolf Hitler: What robots?
Al Capone: Are you dense?
Adolf Hitler: What’s tha-
Al Capone: Forget it.
(Confessional) Al Capone: Add Dirty Sanchez to my hit list, after Mohawk Superman.
Bob Ross: This conversation is getting nowhere.
Al Capone: You can say that again.
Bob Ross: Huh?
Al Capone: For the love of...me and Adolf ain’t getting shit done with this argument. Who else could you be talking to?
Bob Ross: My friend over here.
Al Capone: Who?
*Hitler and Capone look over to see a robot Mr. Rogers beside Bob Ross, getting ready to shoot.*
Robo-Rogers: Goodbye, neighbors.
*The Robo-Rogers shoots them down with paintballs.*
(Confessional) Al Capone: I’d like to rethink my life now, excuse me.
*The scene cuts to Goku and Eve, who have landed at the top of a hill. Adam had caught up with them to talk to Eve, and Neil deGrasse Tyson mysteriously appeared with them.*
Adam: Well, fancy seeing you here, Eve.
Goku: Oh please, I saw you dart over here the second I landed, bitch.
Adam: No, I came here for… *glances around nervously* …Tyson.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Actually, I came to see yo-
Adam: *Adam nudges Tyson, whispering* play along, dude.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *whispering* Oh, okay.
Adam came up here to see me, actually. I was going to give him my funky fresh tunes on my iPod I have with me. He’s a very tubular dude.
(Confessional) Adam: I don’t… *Adam facepalms* the hell was that?
Adam: Uh…yeah…the latest something or whatever.
Goku: Quit the act, bitch. You came here for the girl.
Eve: Huh?
Goku: Alright Adam, fight me if you want her.
Adam: I’m a pacifist.
Goku: I believe you mean “pussy”. You’re a pussy. For the first man, you seem to act like a woman.
(Confessional) Adam: And this is how I got into a fight with Goku.
Eve: Alright guys, what’s going on? Is this some trick? 
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I believe they are fighting over you.
Eve: What?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I’d be flattered if two guys fought over me.
Eve: No, seriously, I’m lost.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’re clearly on a hi-
Goku: KAME….
Adam: Shit…
Eve: Adam, don’t do this! You’re going to get hurt!
Adam: I don’t know what to d-AHA!
Eve: Huh?
Goku: HAME…
Adam: Next time Goku, be a little faster!
*Adam kicks Goku right in the nuts (or the Dragonballs if you want to sink to that level of bad humor)*
(Confessional) Goku: No one does that. No one. Does that. NO ONE DOES THAT!
(Confessional) Adam: Did I just win?
(Confessional) Goku: Mommy…
*Goku is lying on the ground in fetal position, grabbing his genitals in pain.*
Adam: I don’t think squeezing them will help…
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You never know.
Adam: So, Eve, what do you think of that?
Eve: Was it so hard to dodge?
Adam: Well, then I’d be a pussy, and-
Eve: What’s wrong with vaginas?
Adam: Nothing, I just don’t want to be one.
Eve: Why?
Adam: Well, I’d smell like fish, and I’d bleed a lot more than wanted…I’m sure you know what I mean.
Eve: Oh, excuse me. 
Adam: Right, Tyson?
Tyson?
*Adam looks around, but Tyson is nowhere to be seen.*
Goku: Oh god, this hurts… *stands up* hey Eve, can you do me a favor?
Eve: I’m not in the best mood, Goku, just ask.
Goku: *Goku pulls his pants down* How big is the bruise?
(Confessional) Eve: *Eve vomits*
*The scene cuts to Master Chief, Justin Bieber and William Wallace in the woods, hiding by a cave.*
Master Chief: For a “zombie” challenge, there sure is a huge lack of zombies.
Justin Bieber: Yeah. And robots? Really?
William Wallace: Ye be right, madam! Why the hell wouldja use a soup bucket for a zombie thing?
Justin Bieber: I’m not a woman. You know, that “puberty” shtick got old fast. 
William Wallace: Whatever, lass. I’m just going to take a shite.
Justin Bieber: Thanks for that…
Nice Peter (via intercom): It appears that Leonidas, Goku, Miley Cyrus… everyone save for Adam, Eve, Tyson, Chief, Bieber, Wallace, Ali, Jordan and Cleo are out.
No, scratch that. Bye Cleo.
*Cleopatra yells in the distance.*
Justin Bieber: Well…looks like you two and Eve are the only ones left on your team now.
Master Chief: Hey Wallace, I’m gonna look for Eve now, see you later. 
William Wallace: Okay lad! Now where’s my afro man with the paper?
Justin Bieber: You’re going to let him run away, leaving you here by yourself?
William Wallace: Ya, laddy! I gotsa take a shite somehow!
Justin Bieber: Thanks for the information…
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: This guy is disgusting. Time to crush him.
*Scene cuts to Master Chief running to the hill where Adam and Eve are.*
Master Chief: Huh… no robots. Nice.
Michael Jordan: Look out, dude!
Master Chief: Huh?
*A helicopter drops some boxes down around Master Chief.*
Rick Grimes: Supplies! Open one box, that’s all y’all get!
*Master Chief and Michael Jordan open a box*
Michael Jordan: Uh…I got a magnet.
Master Chief: A blender?
Michael Jordan: I can kind of see where this would come in handy…
Rick Grimes: Walkers incoming!
Master Chief & Michael Jordan: What now?
*All the competitors who were out are dropped down, and slowly walk towards Master Chief and Jordan, in a fashion similar to walkers*
Michael Jordan: Shit!
Master Chief: Is that legal?
Walker Kanye West: Money...money...
Rick Grimes: Just some magical hypnosis shit, they’re not actually infected.
Dumbledore: I better get paid for this cameo!
Rick Grimes: We’re supposed to get paid?
Dumbledore: Fight, my army!
Walker Bob Ross: Help me, turtles...
Walker Edgar Allan Poe: As a walker...I shall fight...I don't...feel alright...
Walker Kanye West: Must get...into my...zone...
Michael Jordan: This is pathetic.
Walker Goku: KAME…
Master Chief: Really?
Walker Goku: HAME…
Michael Jordan: Aw shit, we’re screwed!
Muhammad Ali: Not by him you aren’t!
*Muhammad Ali knees Goku in the nuts*
Muhammad Ali: Michael Jordan, you against me, now!
Master Chief: You choose to fight him in the middle of this?
Muhammad Ali: Chief, you take care of them!
Master Chief: Not even.
Michael Jordan: Fuck this, Imma go find Adam.
Master Chief: I’ll look for Eve. She shouldn’t be far from him.
Muhammad Ali: Sunnuva-
*Goku stands up*
Walker Goku: HA!
*Goku blasts Muhammad Ali, throwing him miles away somewhere else on the island.*
(Confessional) Goku: I think I did something. Did I do something? One second I was kicked in the nuts, next thing you know I’m somewhere with an old guy and a goofy man in a cowboy hat…and one of them is using a magical stick…this show is fucked up.
Michael Jordan: Oh man, I hope he’s okay!
Master Chief: Forget him, let’s go, before Goku goes Kamehameha on our asses again!
*The scene cuts to Justin Bieber and William Wallace.*
William Wallace: Leaves sure do scratch my butt! Any water sources?
Justin Bieber: Well, there’s a river over there.
William Wallace: Great!
*William Wallace pulls a bar of soap out of the strap of his kilt, and walks to the river.*
Justin Bieber: Yeah, you go that way.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: I don’t get this guy.
*The scene cuts to Neil deGrasse Tyson riding a giant robot.*
Neil deGrasse Tyson: This is fun.
Robot: I love you master.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh look, a river.
Robot: I love you.
*Tyson spots Wallace washing his hands in the river*
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Hey look…is that Wallace?
Robot: I love you.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Shoot him.
*Neil deGrasse Tyson’s robot shoots Wallace, who is out. However, afterwards, Muhammad Ali blasts through Tyson’s robot, blowing it up.*
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I am compelled to hate you now, Ali.
Muhammad Ali: Huh?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You are my enemy.
Muhammad Ali: Excuse me?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Cosmos, behold…the new evil that shall be brought to his knees!
*Rocks around Ali begin to float*
Muhammad Ali: Wait, what?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: We shall tear this person down, by our might and will!
*Trees around Tyson and Ali begin to uproot, revealing Bieber hiding behind a bush*
Muhammad Ali: What the hell is going on?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: We shall forever despise Muhammad Ali!
*the water in the river begins to float above the ground from the riverbed.*
Justin Bieber (behind his bush): Holy shit…
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: This guy HAS to go. But how is the question…
(Confessional) Muhammad Ali: Tyson scares me…
Nice Peter: Because this is getting boring fast, everyone save for Bieber, Chief and Jordan are out. Have fun.
Muhammad Ali: Dammit!
*The scene cuts to the top of the hill with Adam and Eve meeting Master Chief and Michael Jordan.*
Adam: So, we have to get you guys out.
Master Chief: Yup.
Michael Jordan: I don’t think it’s fair for Eve to get me. I mean, she ain’t weak at all, but I’m fucking strong. So just punch me, I’m open.
Eve: Okay…
*Eve punches Michael Jordan in the guts, causing him to fall over.*
Michael Jordan: Oh…I feel sick….this girl ain’t weak at all…
*Michael Jordan vomits*
(Confessional) Eve: Either I’m really strong, or he’s a really convincing actor.
(Confessional) Michael Jordan: Looks like drama class paid off...and culinary...huh.
Master Chief: So, Adam…how’re we gonna do this?
Adam: Just take your helmet off? 
Master Chief: NO!
Adam: Okay, geez…
Michael Jordan: Wait, shouldn’t Chief win, he’s the-
*A giant tree comes out of nowhere and hits Master Chief, knocking him down.*
Michael Jordan: Holy shit…
Master Chief: Don’t worry…I’m okay…
*Justin Bieber jumps down from the tree, landing on Chief and cracking the side of his helmet.*
Justin Bieber: Boy, ominous floating cosmo trees are great rides.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Yes, I drove a tree. No, that should not be possible. Yes, this show is weird. 
Nice Peter: And the Massive Failures win!
Master Chief: Damn.
Justin Bieber: Did I break your helmet? Sorry…
Master Chief: Nothing too major…
Nice Peter: Time for team “Winners” to meet me at the elimination!
Justin Bieber: You’re going down, Chief.
*Team Epic Winners is shown at the elimination camp fire.*
Nice Peter: Okay, since today was a little off with the whole scheme of things, let’s just get this over with.
Everyone except Kanye and William Wallace had 1 or less votes against them. Kanye had 2 votes for his elimination.
Kanye West: Wait, we’re voting people OFF?
(Confessional) Kanye West: Scratch off my last two votes.
Nice Peter: However, our friend Wallace here got 3 against him.
William Wallace: Bullshite!
Kanye West: Yeah! I want him off, too!
Nice Peter: Make that four votes.
William Wallace: Fuck ya all, I’m going to live in the wilderness!
*William Wallace runs off into the woods, but is caught by Leonidas and Justin Bieber*
Leonidas: Where do you think you’re going?
William Wallace: To the woods, where do ya think YOU’RE going?
Leonidas: To the merge, bitch!
William Wallace: I may have lost the show, but you lost one thing I can’t!
Leonidas: What?
William Wallace: Yer cape!
*William Wallace tries to tear off Leonidas’s cape, but misses and fails.*
William Wallace: *sigh* Take me to the barrel.
Leonidas: Alright.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Me and Leonidas voted for Wallace, so what? No harm done. Just fueling the fire…
*The scene transitions to the dock, where Leonidas is watching Wallace’s barrel drift away*
EpicLLOYD: I have no clue what happened today. Man, Mexican food really does fuck you up.
Leonidas: Who gave you the food?
EpicLLOYD: Some Kurt guy. On the street.
Wait…what the hell are you doing down here?
Leonidas: Can’t I wave a pal goodbye?
EpicLLOYD: Well, you can always join him.
Leonidas: Point taken… *Leonidas runs back to the others far away.*
EpicLLOYD: Well, looks like something happened this episode. Will Robo-Rogers return? What happened with Tyson? Where will Adam, Eve and Goku go? Why is Master Chief so worried about his helmet? 
No, really, I want that Robo-Rogers back. 
It’ll all be revealed later on Total.
Drama.
ERB.
William Wallace: Where’s my soap?
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script