The Canadian Revolution

The first chapter of Total Drama Revolution, posted on June 7, 2011. Toad-al Drama's third season begins as Chris McLean takes 20 all-new, unfathomably bizarre contestants to a ambiguously-located metropolis for another million-dollar prize.
==Story==
"Hello, helloooooooo..." says Chris, standing in front of a very large building. "I'm here, in Revolution City! Last season on Total Drama: Tiki Jungle, we had sixteen competitors battle it out on a volcanic island! In the end, long-time enemies morbidly obeeeese Arthur and short, angry Julia remained. Julia won, after beating Arthur in rock-paper-scissors. Unfortunately, Trey, our antagonist, took the money, and swam away as fast as he could, but the police caught him, and now he's spending his life on Tiki Island. Poor guy. Anyways, we have 20 all-new contestants to compete in city-related challenges, right here, right now, on Total... Drama... Revolution!"
A very short boy steps out of the bus.
"Why, hello, little boy. You must be in the wrong location. Our contestants are all sixteen and up. So here, let me get you a tasty cookie and some coloring books..." says Chris.
"I'm not a little kid." says the boy, obviously frustrated. "I'm Toad. I'm a contestant."
"Well, are you a dwarf?" asks Chris.
"NO." says the boy angrily. "I'm Toad Gamereighty, and I'm twelve and a half years old."
"Aren't you a little too young to be competing in this reality show?" asks Chris,
"No! Some big guy told me I could sign up." says Toad.
"When that chef gets here, he's going to be in so much trouble..." mutters Chris.
Chef drives up, in a limo. "Sup?" he asks.
Chris takes out a rolling pin, and Chef runs away screaming.
An awkward-looking short boy with a very long neck, large ears, and droopy pants comes out of the bus.
"Hey, dude." says the boy. "Th' name's Northworth."
"Northworth?" asks Toad. He begins to laugh.
"Hey, man, you're one to talk. Nobody names their kids after amphibians. And what's with your height? I was that tall when I was five. And you'll probably never gonna get a girlfriend. So, just leave, before I make yo--" says Northworth.
Toad pulls his sagging pants down.
"Dude, you're dead." says Northworth. He then curses.
A pretty girl comes out of the bus, sees Northworth's pants on the ground, and giggles.
"Homina homina." says Toad.
"Hey, I'm MacKenzie." says the pretty girl. "The weather's pretty nice out today, huh?"
"Yes, yes it is..." drools Toad.
Northworth laughs loudly and obnoxiously. "Har, har, har. You think you can get her? Dream on, kid."
MacKenzie laughs nervously. She whispers to Chris, "Why are the other boys here freaks?"
"We wanted an interesting cast." says Chris.
"Yeah, maybe they're too interesting." says MacKenzie.
A boy with red hair and many piercings steps out of the bus.
"'Ey, I'm Gustavo." he says.
"Gustavo? That's a fat guy name, dude." says Northworth.
"SHUT TH' @#$%! UP, YOU @#$%!" screams Gustavo.
Northworth quiets down.
"Sorry, man. I kinda have anger management issues. Forgive me?" asks Gustavo.
"Well, if it can't be helped, I guess. But that was scary." says MacKenzie.
"Sure." says Toad.
"Nah." says Northworth. "I hate this guy."
A slightly overweight girl comes in, and stares Toad in the eye. "..." she says.
"Hi, there." says Toad.
"PJ." says the girl.
"What, is that your name or something?" asks Toad.
PJ nods.
"This is PJ, she doesn't talk much." says Chris.
"Um, yeah." says MacKenzie.
"Hey, duuuudes." says another girl. This girl has a calm expression on her face.
"Everyone, meet Tasia." says Chris.
Tasia laughs woozily, then faints, then gets up.
"Um, are you okay?" asks Gustavo.
"Yeah, I'm fine, maaaan." says Tasia. "God, I ate too many beans last niiiight..."
MacKenzie stares at Tasia worriedly.
Tasia vomits into a trash can. "It's all right, duuuudes. It happens all th' tiiiime."
"You're kinda creepy, dude." says Northworth.
"Yeah, duuuude, well, you're one to talk, what kind of a name is Northworth. It's like, cardinal directions, maaaan." says Tasia. "What's your laaaast name, Southworth?"
"Actually, it is." says Northworth.
Tasia laughs again, and falls asleep. "Don't wake me up, maaaan."
PJ pokes her, and Tasia gnashes her teeth.
"Ugh." PJ slinks away.
"All right, now let's meet Trick, to take our minds off of the disturbing creature named Tasia." says Chris.
A skater dude with a large nose, wavy blond hair, and a striped sweatshirt comes in riding a skateboard.
"What's up, dawgs?" he asks. "Th' name's Patrick, but you can call me Trick."
"Hi, Patrick, nice schnoz." says Northworth.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." says Trick. "Oh yeah, and please call me Trick." He then does a skating trick on the side of a building.
MacKenzie giggles. "Cool, your name is Trick and you just did a trick." she says pleasantly.
Toad growls.
"Here's our next contestant." says Chris.
A very pretty, and very tall girl comes out of the bus with a sketchpad.
"Hey, guys, I'm Chelsey. All right, starting with the short guy. You may be a little popular, but your wimpiness ruins everything. Weird girl with black hair who's asleep, no. Just no. Kid with red--" she says, and begins to jot things down in her sketchpad.
"What are you talkin' about?" asks Trick.
"Popularity meter, the best part of a kid's life. You'd be about a four. Skaters aren't popular, but they're really well-respected. Awkward kid with big ears, sorry, but you seem like one of those kids who long to be popular. And desperate people are not good." she says.
"I don't need some hot-- I mean, dumb girl to tell me whether I'm popular or not." says Northworth.
"Who cares about popularity?" asks Gustavo.
"YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT." huffs Chelsey. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
"It's a mile walk to the west." says Chris.
"Don't care." says Chelsey, and she stomps away.
A boy with a ponytail and green hair steps out of the bus carrying pants.
"Hey, I'm Donny." he says. "Who's the hottie who just stomped away?"
Tasia wakes up. "Chelsey, duuuude. Don't even bother, she's just a nerp."
"Nerp?" asks Donny.
"Don't aaaask." says Tasia.
"What's with the pants, knob?" asks Northworth.
"Gotta get pants." says Donny. "Here, try them on." He hands Northworth a pair of pants.
Northworth tries them on, and they cover his entire body. "Dude, you have really big pants."
"No, you're just really short." says Donny.
Northworth waddles away with the large pants on him.
A very short girl comes in with loud rap music blaring.
"Hey." she says in a really nasally voice. "I'm Elle. And I'm from the Jersey shore."
"No, you're not. You're on my soccer team." says Chelsey, who has returned. "You're from Kentucky, I think."
"Ooh, I love Kentucky fried chicken." says Toad.
"Shut up. I wish I was from the Jersey shore." says Elle. "Hey, you're kinda cute."
She walks over to Northworth, who faints.
"Take a chill pill, duuuude. I mean, partying is fuuuun, but not all daaaay..." says Tasia.
"A chill pill? My doc wouldn't prescribe them to me." says Elle.
"Heh, heh, heh. You're fuuuunny." says Tasia.
"Not trying to be." says Elle. She clutches Toad's shoulder. "Purrrrr."
Toad laughs and starts to sweat.
"What's up, boy?" asks Elle. Suddenly, a bra falls out of her suitcase. It says "SNOO" on one cup, and "KI" on the other.
"Wait, Snooki, as in Nebraska Shore?" guffaws Donny. "That show su--"
"DO NOT INSULT SNOOKI. SHE IS MY IDOL." says Elle angrily.
"Okay." says Donny calmly.
"Moving on to Kavren." says Chris.
A skinny boy with very long hair comes out of the bus standing on his hands.
"I couldn't even do that for, like, five seconds, maaan." says Tasia.
"Bleedle blup bop bork." says Kavren.
The others stare at him worriedly.
"Just kiddin'. My name's Kavren, I'm sixteen, and my favorite book is Billy Bongo and the Banana Brothers." he says.
"I read that book once, dude. It sucked." says Northworth rudely.
"Whutevs. Anyways, have you guys played Supah Jario Brothers Wuu?" asks Kavren.
"I played that game once, dude. It sucked," says Northworth.
"You know, you're probably just saying that because you're insecure, and you have no other way to be happy. I mean, look at your awkward body." says Kavren.
Northworth stares at Kavren. "You just dug your own grave, turdwad."
"Fleedle-deedle." says Kavren happily.
"Let's meet Cammy." says Chris.
A pretty girl with a large nose and a "Gangsta Saurus" shirt comes out of the bus.
"Aw, yeah." she says, looking at Kavren's sweatshirt. "LOLcats are really hilarious. I can haz cheezburger."
PJ says quietly, "I like memes too."
"That's cool." says Cammy. "Glad I'm not the only one."
"What's up, nerd-ette?" asks Northworth.
Cammy laughs at how pathetic Northworth is, and sees Trick.
"'Sup, I'm Trick." says Trick.
"Cammy." blushes Cammy.
Northworth waddles over to them. "Aww, big schnozzes in love. Y'know, if you ever tried to kiss, your noses would probably get in th' way?"
"He's dumb, ignore him." whispers Trick. Cammy nods.
A very strange-looking boy comes out of the bus. He has a purple mohawk, beady little eyes, and a golden shirt with a star on it.
"'Ello." he says in an Australian accent. "Th' name's Vincent Alan Mackiewicz."
"A strange name for a strange boy..." says Northworth.
"Well, mon, at least m' name isn't Northworth. I mean, what a funny-soundin' name. Northworth. I could say it all day, if I wanted to." says Vincent.
"You just got burned." whispers Donny.
Northworth grumbles something naughty, and pushes Donny away.
"Didn't hurt." says Donny.
Northworth kicks Donny in the crotch.
"Still didn't hurt." says Donny calmly.
"Anyways, fellows, what's up around here?" asks Vincent. "Looks like a motley bunch." He stares at the fainted Tasia, Northworth and Donny who are fighting, Toad who is stalking MacKenzie, Gustavo who is screaming at Elle, PJ who is poking others, and Chelsey who is trying to get away from Kavren.
"You'll get used to them." says Chris.
"I hope so." says Vincent cheerfully.
A tall boy with a toque and soul patch comes out of the bus.
"Hello, I'm Dolph." says the boy in a British accent. "And I have a few things to say. Teasing is wrong. Respect your elders. And remember, never, never ever, never ever EVER pee in your bed."
"What a nice little advice columnist." says Vincent.
"Aw, shut up, Sonic." says Dolph.
"A hypocrite, eh?" asks Vincent. "This seems it may be fun. Dude, y' just said that teasing was wrong."
"Yes, I know." says Dolph. "Now get away from me, you hob-knocker."
"Hob-knocker?" asks Cammy skeptically.
"Yes, a very common insult for Brits." says Vincent. "Which he appears to be."
"Hey, man, why do you have the colors of the American flag on your hat if you're British?" asks Elle.
"It was a coincidence..." says Dolph.
"Suuuure." giggles Elle.
The sound of stomping is heard from inside the bus. Then a very short girl rapidly runs out.
"Everyone, this is Lizz--" says Chris.
"HAIIIIIIII!!!" screams the girl. "I'mLizzaandI'msixteenyearsoldandpeoplesayI'mreallyshortbutyoushouldseemymomshe'slikeafootshorterthanme! Andspeakingofmymomshetoldmenottohavetoomuchcaffeineyesterday. ButIdidandnowshe'sreallymadatmebecauseIgetreallyhyperwheneverIhavetoomuch CAFFEEEINE!!"
"What's wrong with her?" asks MacKenzie.
"Nobody knows." says Chris.
"You're pretty!" says Lizza, and she runs up to Chelsey. "I loooove your hair! Did you do it yourself??" She begins to stroke Chelsey's hair.
"Chris, can I have a restraining order? This girl doesn't seem like the essence of popularity. Plus, she's creepy." says Chelsey.
Chris picks up Lizza and throws her into a trash can.
"That should do the trick." says Donny.
A very pretty girl rushes out of the bus with a large backpack.
"I'm Mattie!" she says. "I know CPR, I can help that little girl in the trash can!"
"Um, she's not little, just short." says Gustavo.
"Whatever." says Mattie, and runs over to the trash can.
"No, don't open the--" says Trick.
Lizza rushes out of the can and begins to bounce about.
"--Trash can." finishes Trick.
Mattie gives Lizza some sleeping pills, and Lizza falls sound asleep.
"There, that's better." says Mattie. "Anyways, what's up, guys?"
"You're hoooot." says Toad.
"Er, thank you." says Mattie. "I'm used to that."
"Poopoo." says Toad, and walks away.
Trick pets his head. "You'll get someone."
A boy comes out of the bus. This boy is wearing a cap, strange sunglasses, and a sports jersey with the number 2 on it.
"Now somebody, anybody, everybody scream!" says the boy.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!" screams Lizza, who has woken up.
"Oh, lord." says Dolph.
"The name's Antoine, and I like to rap. What's up with this little one?" he asks.
"She had too much caffeine last night apparently. I don't know, duuuude, I could barely understand anything she was sayin'." says Tasia.
"Well, how pleasant." says Antoine.
A very intimidating girl steps out of the bus. She is quite tall, with an eye patch, and a very large and imposing syringe on her arm.
Toad wets his pants.
"Don' worry." says the girl, in a thick Italian accent. "I'm Kim. Trust me, I will not bite."
She takes off the syringe, revealing her hand.
"Oh, good, it's fake." says MacKenzie. "I was a bit worried there." She giggles.
"We have two contestants left." says Chris. "Let's meet Ori."
A boy with dark skin and long hair steps out of the bus.
"Hey, I'm Ori, nice to meet you." He shakes everyone's hands.
MacKenzie blushes. "A real gentleman."
"SHUT UP, TURD!" screams Ori.
"Wow, someone who's just like me, dude. Pleasure to meet you, I'm Northworth." says Northworth.
"Be quiet, Wyatt." says Ori angrily. He then returns to his nice, calm voice. "Sorry there, I sort of have multiple personalities. They usually don't change as quickly as they just did."
"Ooh, I love those kinds o' people. Do you see, like, an angel an' a devil whenever you tryin' t' say somethin'?" asks Vincent.
"Nope." says Ori.
"Cool beans." says Vincent.
"Everyone, meet the last contestant, Abbey." says Chris.
A hot girl with strawberry blonde hair and skinny jeans walks out of the bus.
"Wow, there sure are some lookers here, eh, mate?" asks Vincent.
"Yeah, bro." says Donny.
"Well, hello, everybody." says Abbey.
"You're hoooot." says Toad.
"Um, yeah, whatever. I'm not looking for a relationship right now." says Abbey.
"Harsh, dont'cha think?" asks Toad.
"Nope, I just don't like slimy boys." says Abbey.
"Hey, baby, you're in luck. I'm the least slimy boy ever." says Trick.
"I don't like skateboards." says Abbey. "And Dustin Nutria hair grosses me out."
"Yeesh." says Trick.
"Hey, don't you have the same name as Nic's buff ab belly?" asks Antoine.
"Oh yeah, she does!" giggles Vincent.
"Ugh, it's spelled with an ey, not just a y." says Abbey. "You make me sick."
"All right, everyone, who wants to hear the teams?" asks Chris.
"AIEEEEEE!" screams Lizza.
Chris puts a roll of duct tape on Lizza's mouth. "That should do the trick." he says.
"All right, Northworth, Toad, Trick, Antoine, Kavren, Elle, Chelsey, MacKenzie, PJ, and Cammy will be the Epic Platypi." says Chris.
"Platypi?" asks MacKenzie.
"Plural for platypus." says Cammy. "At least, I think."
"And the other team, the Dancing Bugs, will consist of Donny, Vincent, Dolph, Gustavo, Ori, Abbey, Lizza, Tasia, Kim, and Mattie." says Chris.
"No, man, please! I frickin' hate Tasia!" says Kim.
"Kim, I will destroy you!" screams Chris.
"Okay, okay..." mutters Kim.
"Whoo, I like bugs. I find 'em all the time at camp." says Mattie.
"Dude, bugs are awesome!" says Ori.
"Okay then." says Chris. "What will the first challenge be? Who will be the first eliminated? Tune in next time to Total Drama Revoluuuution!"
==Author's Notes==
*The chapter title is a play on the American Revolution.
*Northworth's claim that Gustavo is "a fat guy name" is a reference to the character of Gustavo from Big Time Rush, who this Gustavo was actually named after (despite the fact I'd never watched the show).
*Various insults used in this chapter, such as "nerp" and "hob-knocker," came from iCarly.
*The Dancing Bugs' name came from a minor character in Adventure Time, much like Donny and Kim, and the Epic Platypi were named after one of my groups at summer camp (the original name was the 'Epical Platypi').