Paranormal Romance

Paranormal. Romance. Why? Why is this a genre? Why have we allowed half-witted authors to depreciate the value of vampires, ghosts and werewolves by using them in...paranormal romance novels? Ever since Twilight, the literal steak in the heart of the once-cool concept of vampires, every middle-aged woman with "cougar tendencies" and no outlet for their sexuality have sat down and vomited out half-baked romance novels depicting paranormal relationships between some pathetic woman and some paranormal supernatural entity. Vampires, werewolves, and ghosts generally aren't the first thing that comes to mind when you think of "romance". Now all of a sudden werewolves are the sentimental guardians, vampires are romantic enigmas, and ghosts are the invisible protectors of some weak-willed female protagonist!
WHY? Since WHEN?! Ghosts haunt you! Vampires suck your blood! And generally, in wolf form, a werewolf would most likely rip your face off! So ladies, I wouldn't worry too much about how your makeup looks when your face is three blocks away from the rest of your body. Okay? And frankly, I wouldn't mind this chick version of porn so much if the main female characters weren't so idiotic. They all seem to be these flailing retards who end up falling head-over-heels for some smug schmuck vampire [mocking voice] "whose eyes are mesmerizingly attractive." [normal] They seem to lose all sensibility and act like an irrational school girl chasing a hot guy on campus. And why, why are you spending half a book talking about some bitch drinking tea, doing yoga, or some horseback-riding bullshit?! It's a waste of pages, move along!
Fine, if you're into this type of literary drivel, I get it. I realy do. But don't go running around foaming at the mouth about how "emotionally deep a novel" this piece of dreck is when it is, in actuality, no more than literary softcore porn for women who receive little to no attention at home. And I'm sure the lack of attention is the direct result of your reading this crap! PUT THE BOOK DOWN!
And I also know [mocking] "No one is asking you to read it!" [normal] But hey, after a while it gets a bit anoying when I get some crazed bitch shoving some idiotic paranormal romance novel in my face saying [imitating female voice] "Why can't you be more like blah blah blah blah in the blah blah blah blah series!" [normal voice] Uh...because I live in reality? A-a-a-and that's the best, when some woman complains that you're not like some romantic fictional character cuz you can just turn around and be like "You know, well, hey. How come you're not more like whatsherface from that porno 'Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full'? Huh?" Then, then they get all bent out of shape. [mocking female voice] "That's distasteful and offensive, you pig!" [normal] Hey, so is ruining the horror genre with your romantic drivel. So guess what, we're even. If I don't expect you to be an acobatic porn star, don't expect me to be some enchanting supernatural creature. At least out of the two, the acrobatic porn star is the more attainable concept. All you need to do is practice.
So seriously, I don't want to hear about "unrealistic ideas about women," cuz women are even more unrealistic. Women, women want guys to go through the gates of Hell and save them from a world of hungry demons or monsters, or be some dashing prince sweeping them away to some far-off land with millions of dollars. Guys, guys just want women to be a bit more stretchy. You tell me whose really being unrealistic.
[THE END]
[Foamy singing] Paranormal romance should not exist, because vampires will kill you in your sleep while werewolves rip your faces off, and then you're stuck in limbo, part-werewolf/part-vampire hanging with ghosts who don't like you. That doesn't sound like paranormal romance. Because it's NOT!!