A BIZARRE TRAIN RIDE

I.
DECEMBER 31, 20XX
A TRAIN STATION, SOMEWHERE:
It was the standard sight on New Years' Eve, with people scattering to either get home or get to where the action was. It wasn't too busy, and on this particular night only a handful of people were travelling on this train. The black-and-red-haired girl in the matching hoodie hurried along the slightly taller black-haired girl in the refined-looking white-and-blue jacket. This being a holiday, any lateness could result in spending the New Year at the station while listening to Lazy-Eyed Steve talking about how his son-in-law is a pinko liberal commie. It happens.
"I'm telling ya, he had the 'Build the Wall' shirt and everything!" said the girl in black. "I believe you." answered the girl in white. "Seriously, Satsuki, he was going on about how back in his day they had a saying for how to deal with 'people like us': 'Slap a Jap!'" "And people think that behavior from an old person is cute."
Meanwhile, two figures in trenchcoats with fake moustaches snuck ('snuck') onto the train moments before it departed.
Inside the train, the passengers were either relaxing in their seats or moving about to grab a drink. There was the unruly-looking chap who pestered the train attendant for more beer. He wore a patch on his vest labeled 'Daryl'.
A brown-haired girl with her hair in a ponytail munched on a potato in another seat.
An older-looking gentleman in an explorers' getup sat in another seat, only carrying a single bag. The bag bore his shocked visage, with a caption of "OH NO" under it.
Over in another seat was an orange-haired young man sitting next to a visibly pregnant orange-haired young woman. He wore a shirt with the number 15 on it.
The girl in the black jacket, Ryuko, was using her headphones. Satsuki was reading.
"Oi, lady." said Daryl. The attendant, a young woman with straight, light-colored hair and clearly annoyed, walked over. "Seriously? Another one? You do know other people drink, right?" "I don't see anyone else drinkin'." "*sigh* That could change soon enough." The woman, whose nametag read 'Lemurs' and bore a small image of a dog, sighed again and walked away. She walked over to the front of the train and knocked on the door. "Do you three jokers need anything?" Suddenly a male voice called out, "DAT ASS". "I'll take that as a no."
Inside the drivers' room, three young men were at the helm--two seated, one by the door snickering. Manning the wheel was a young man with a goatee, glasses and a pair of headphones around his neck. His nametag was labelled 'Schif'. Seated next to him was a bearded fellow with a backwards cap bearing the image of the Pokemon Eevee. His nametag was labeled 'Future'. The young man standing near the door was a taller fellow with brown hair and a Jotaro-esque cap. His nametag read 'Xilly'. "Gets her every time!" said Xilly. "I actually wanted a soda, though." said Future.
Ryuko got up from her seat. "I'm getting a drink. Ya want anything?" Satsuki shook her head. "K." As she walked off, the two trenchcoat-wearing men got up from their seat. "Move cautiously!" whispered the shorter of the men. They promptly tripped and fell over, before stumbling back up and walking after Ryuko.
Soon the two men grabbed Ryuko and took her aside. She elbowed the taller one in the chest. "What's the big idea?!" she exclaimed. "Beware, Ryuko Matoi! There may be sinister forces working aboard this train." said the shorter one. "Says the weirdo in the trenchcoat and fake moustache who just grabbed an underage girl." she answered back. "She's got a point, pal." said the taller one. "Alright, let me just remove any confusion. We are agents of the International Police hunting for suspicious activity aboard this train. My partner is Detective Gumshoos." "It's Detective Gumshoe, pal!!" "And the name I go by, it is Looker. I would again caution you, Ryuko Matoi. Do not believe everything you--"
Then everything began to shake and the lights began to flicker. A screeching noise was heard as the train slowed to a crawl. Eventually the train came to a complete halt.
The passengers looked around, puzzled. Several looked outside. The train was stopped in what was more or less the snowy middle of nowhere.
"OH! MY! GOD!" yelled the older man. "Welp. Couldn't have a holiday go by without some dumb shit happening." said the orange-haired man. Elsewhere, Ryuko was on the ground. "Uggh, the hell was that about?!" She looked over and saw Looker and Gumshoe staring at her from behind. They held their hands over their noses as blood seemed to seep out. She proceeded to angrily deck them both across the face.
"Now just what the hell is going on...?" she pondered to herself as the two officers recoiled in agony.
II.
"Well this is just fan-tucking-fastic." grumbled Lemurs. Xilly then popped into the room. "Greeting, my cowering people~. Do not be alarmed, for your savior has arrived~." he said while striking a pose. "Isn't that my grandson's hat...?" the old man (Joseph) thought to himself. "So are you actually going to do anything or are you just going to keep strutting around like a peacock?" asked Satsuki. Xilly swiftly moved over to her and took a seductive pose. "Sweetheart, if you wanna make out with me that badly, you only need to say the word~." he said. She then grabbed his arm and began squeezing, her expression unchanging. "Mmm, strong grip, I like tha-YOW!" he griped. Daryl laughed in the background.
Future and Schif walked in. "Was Xilly acting like he has biceps to spare again?" asked Schif. Future shook his head in exhaustion. The brown-haired girl (Sasha), still eating a potato, leaned in towards Satsuki. "Damn, girl, that bearded dude is fiiiiiiine." Sasha whispered. Satsuki only raised an eyebrow in response. "Hey, Future, you wanna go look at the engine?" asked Schif. "Suuuuure." responded Future, who left. Most of the women on the cart gazed at him as he walked past. "Daaaaaaaaaaaamn." repeated Sasha.
"OK, people, soon as our resident fox-lover finds the engine we should get an idea of when we'll start back up." said Lemurs. "Great. Just promise me that Casanova over there stays the hell away from my extremely pregnant wife." said the orange-haired man (Ichigo), gesturing at Xilly. "Well look at you being protective~." said the orange-haired woman (Orihime). "Ahh, but who could blame me for basking in the glow of one who has a bun in the oven~?" responded Xilly, still nursing his arm. "Do you speak in anything other than flowery shit?" said Ryuko, having returned from her encounter with the detectives. "Oh, please. Don't mistake me for the last attendant we had." said Xilly, still posing. "The last attendant?" "The one I replaced. A silver-haired prick that only spoke in purple prose." said Lemurs. "We fed him to the wolves." added Schif. "Y-you're joking, right?" asked Ryuko. Before she could get an answer, Schif's phone rang.
"Yeah?" "I can't find the engine." "What do you mean you can't find the engine?" "I can't find it, there's only soup." "...what do you mean there's only soup?" "It means there's only soup." "Then get out of the soup section!" "Alright, you don't have to shout at me!" After a couple minutes, Future called back. "Yeah?" "There's more soup!" "What do you mean there's more soup?!" "There's just more soup!" "Go to the next section!" "...there's still soup!" "Where are you right now?!" "I'm in soup!" "What do you mean you're in soup?!" "I mean I'm in soup!" "What car are you in?!" "I'm in the soup car!" "WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THE ENGINE IN THE SOUP CAR?!?!?!" "FUCK YOU!!" Future hung up.
A few minutes later, Future reappeared. "It's broken." "Uggh, figures. Looks like we're gonna be here a while." "Hey, Schif." "Wha?" "Since we're in the middle if the snow, we should totally do that thing we were talking about." "Oh, right! That thing, for sure!" A few moments later, the two were out in the snow. Schif was wearing a cowboy hat. "Alright, Pinhead, yer time is up!" he said in a faux-plains accent. "Who you callin' Pinhead?" responded Future, now looking like a pinhead. Xilly suddenly manifested from the snow. "Gentlemen, gentlemen! You're both pinheads! Only I possess the requisite filthyness to be known as 'Dirty Dan'!" he said. Future threw a snowball at Xilly. "Maybe Xilly should be Pinhead Larry!" he said. 
"I am so sorry." said Ryuko. "I have no clue how you can stand working day-in-and-out with Larry, Moe and Curly there." "Oh, no. It's actually endearing." responded Lemurs.
Ryuko felt someone poking her shoulder. "Erm, could we see you for a moment? We were um, interrupted." It was Looker, still clutching his bloodied nose. Annoyed, Ryuko nonetheless went along with the officer. "So what we were saying was..." began Looker, "I would tread carefully if I were you. We were sent on this trip by the International Police. Specifically to investigate the four employees on this train." "The four...you mean the attendent and her goofball friends?" "Yeah, pal. Command thinks they might be hidin' some weird abilities. Somethin' called a 'Stand' or whatever." said Gumshoe. "All we currently know is that Stands have something to do with supernatural power, and that it's dependent on the individual. That's precisely why we brought Mr. Joestar here, as he is an expert on Stands." "Soooo, you think there's at most four powerful people working on this train, so your bosses sent you two bozos in alone to deal with it. With an old man. Do you even know if these guys are a threat?" "That's what we're here to find out, pal."
Meanwhile, Joseph was in his seat while talking on his phone. "Oi." uttered Daryl to the gathered Sasha and Ichigo. "Somethin' about that old fart seems off. I dunno what but it's somethin'." "What's even in that bag of his?" asked Ichigo. "I think I saw him with some purple cables earlier." added Sasha. "If you all are insinuating that that old man is some kind of threat, you're kidding yourselves--" began Satsuki, before they overheard Joseph mid-conversation. "--yes, Mohammed, I get it, Magician's Red could help, but it could be days before you get here--" The others were stunned. "That means nothing." said Satsuki. "Girlie, come on. 'Mohammed'? With a strange bag? And cables? On a train? On New Years' Eve?" said Ichigo. "Thank God I have expert military training!" said Sasha, excitedly and clumsily presenting her blades.
Outside, Xilly stood on top of a car while Schif and Future looked up at him. "Git down here, Pinhead!" yelled Schif. "HAHAHA, MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA!!!" yelled Xilly as he continued making poses. He is then beaned by a large snowball, thrown by Lemurs. "Yare yare daze." she said. Ryuko walked out. "Ms. Matoi, what are you doing?!" said Looker. "If you want to know what these goofs can do we might as well just ask. They seem harmless enough." "Yeah, emphasis on 'seem', pal!" said Gumshoe. 
Joseph looked outside. "OH NO! What's that girl think she's doing?!" He got up to go but was met with Daryl pointing his crossbow at him. "Don't move a muscle, you terrorist fart."
"Oi, pinheads." said Ryuko. "Who you callin--" began all four, only for Ryuko to interrupt. "These clowns in the coats think you all have weird powers. I honestly could give a rat's ass, but could you just say upfront whether or not you do, just to give us one less thing to worry about?" The four looked at each other. "...well I guess it's good that nobody's around to see this." said Future. "So, wait, you--?!" began Ryuko. "Sweetheart, you REALLY should've just stayed on the train." said Lemurs. All four started eminating energy. "This REALLY isn't personal." said Schif. "Yare yare daze." said Xilly.
III.
"Shit!!!" yelled Ryuko. "Alright, Senketsu, let's--" As she grabbed for her armband, Schif pointed at her. "OBJECTION." An aura surrounded Ryuko. "What the--?! Hey, Senketsu, what's going on?!" No response. "You're wasting your time, there. I just found a contradiction and I exploited it." said Schif. "What are you blathering about?!" "It's my Stand, [Unlimited Corners]. It allows me to instill basic logic into anything that doesn't follow that logic, and reset it. Simply put, it lets me remove contradictions. Like your living clothes there, for instance. So for the time being, your clothes will be useless." "Aw, hell, really?!" "Man, and I thought Mr. Wright and Mr. Edgeworth's objections were potent!" said Gumshoe. Schif started wagging his finger as a small, ephemeral figure emerged from the aura surrounding it. The figure had no real facial figures save for glowing yellow eyes, and it wore a dark suit. "So long as this little piggy is active, you're left nothing more than your own limbs to fight with."
"Yo, Future, you're up." said Schif. "Sheesh, why's it gotta be me?" "Your Stand is more fit for direct combat. And I think you getting possibly beat by a girl in a skimpy getup could be funny." Future puffed up his cheeks. "Yeah well...shut up."
Future removed his cap and scratched his head. "*sigh* Let's get this over with." A figure emerged from behind him. "Sic her, [Cannon Ball]." The figure, red and metallic looking, with glowing yellow eyes and yellow extensions out of the back of its head, lunged forward while weilding a glowing red blade. "This is so not what I had in mind for holiday break!!!" yelled Ryuko as she dodged.
Joseph looked out the window, his arms raised. "OH! MY! GOD! It's chaos out there!" "Quiet, you old fuck!" yelled Daryl. "So, who sent you here? ISIS? Al-Qaeda? Fox News?" asked Sasha. "I'll say this for the last time, I AM NOT A TERRORIST!" yelled Joseph. "Exactly what a terrorist would say before blasting us all to kingdom come!" said Ichigo. "Spoiler alert, those 40 virgins of yours are all nerds playing Magic: The Gathering. 'Family Guy' told me so!" "I've had about enough of this." said Satsuki as she walked out of the train.
"So, what have I missed?" she said before Ryuko went crashing into the train car. "The usual, I see." "Don't just stand there and bullshit around, help me out!" "Don't be so impatient, here." She handed Ryuko the case for her Scissor Blade. "Thanks. I can't tell what this guy's game is." Future rubbed the back of his head. "Eh? What's with the weird looks? Think I'm up to something?" "Maybe it's the fact you've done nothing but swing your blade at her for the last five minutes." said Lemurs. "That 'is' what she said." added Xilly. "Well, there's not all that much to show." said Future. "LAWL." uttered Xilly, before Lemurs clocked him on the head.
"Hey, girl." said Future. "You wanna actually start something? If you keep staring, I might just fall for ya, and Xilly might get annoyed that a girl isn't staring at him instead." "Grrr, I've had enough of your bullshit!" yelled Ryuko. "Good. Oi, [Cannon Ball]. Get to it." The Stand lunged at Ryuko, who blocked it. "THERE." said Future, and then a glowing 'Z' appeared on the Stand's left hand. It grabbed Ryuko's arm, and she parried it away. "The hell was that?!" "Oh, nothing really." said Future. "Alright, no more. I'm ending this the easy way." Ryuko appeared behind Future, driving the Scissor Blade through him. After a few moments: "Hmph. Well I guess I lied." said Future. "...?!" Before Ryuko could react, [Cannon Ball] appeared next to her and slashed her away. "But how did you...you should be on the ground right now!" she said. She looked on as what appeared to be strands of fiber appeared within Future, stitching together and healing his wound. "Life Fibers...but how?! Who gave those to you?!" said Ryuko. Future looked up. "You did." His eye glowed red and he smirked.
"I said, 'I lied', right? Yeah, my Stand can do other things. Stealing abilities for a few minutes, mainly. Doesn't really help if I blab about it early, does it?" said Future. "*sigh* Am I going to have to do everything?" sighed Satsuki. "No matter, my Bakuzan was built to tear through--" She unsheathed her sword, only to find that it had been replaced with a wooden paddle labled 'King Smack' on it. "What the--?!" "Oopsies. Sorry princess, but hasn't anyone told you how dangerous a sharp, pointy thing can be?" Lemurs stood with what looked to be an ephemeral clown behind her. "It's called [Dancing Mad]. And it can turn anything into a joke. Literally." "Personally I think it's an upgrade." sneered Ryuko, who turned away upon Satsuki immediately glaring at her.
"We're about to be wasted by four kids working on a train, aren't we?" said Satsuki. "Yeeeep." answered Ryuko.
Meanwhile, inside the train, Joseph pleaded. "Seriously, you've got it all wrong! I'm nowhere near a terrorist! Now put that damn crossbow down and let me save those girls!" "Get real, gramps. Ain't nuthin's gonna get me to put my--" "Uhhhh." Orihime looked stunned. "I think my water just broke." "OH MY GOD!" everyone else aside from Joseph exclaimed as they immediately turned away from him. "So easily distracted! And now, for the finest technique passed down through generations of Joestars!" He then ran like hell out of the train.
Outside the train: "Oi, Xilly. You gonna finish them or not?" asked Schif. "What, and expose Lemurs to that...thing? Uh-uh. I have more dignity than that." said Xilly. Future snickered. "I heard that!" yelled Xilly. "I'll close my eyes if that's what you want." said Lemurs. "Yare yare daze. Okay, fine, I'll--" Before he could do anything, his arms were wrapped up by a large purple wire. "Your next line's gonna be, 'Where did that old coot come from?!'" said Joseph. "Where did that old coot come from?!...*gasp*" said Xilly. "Easy, really. While the rabbled deal with the imminent birth on the train, I made my daring escape! And whatever trump card you had, think again! There's nothing you can--" "[The Groose is Loose]" uttered Xilly. "The who is what now?" said Joseph. "I don't need to deal with this monstrosity." said Lemurs, covering her ears and her eyes shut.
An ephemeral, muscular figure with pointy red hair emerged behind Xilly and made numerous poses. "What the hell is that? Hey, what's with--" Joseph looked over and Ryuko and Satsuki were hunched over. They looked up, and their eyes glowed a solid pink. They lunged at Joseph. "OH NO!" he exclaimed as he dodged out of the way, his wires breaking off Xilly. "Isn't it simply fabulous? Any female within 5 years of my own age who dares to gaze upon [The Groose is Loose] becomes my loyal fangirl! And now, to deliver you to your early retirement!" The girls continued to chase after Joseph. "OH MY GOD, ALL I WANTED WAS A RELAXING TRAIN RIDE AND I GET THIS NONSENSE!" he yelled. "AHAHAHAHA, don't you see it's useless! No matter what, any member of the fairer sex who dares to gaze upon my Stand has their inner desire burst forth in a cacophony of ecstacy!" said Xilly. "That's a thing that was just said." mumbled Future. "Seriously, 'cacophony'?! This is a stupid story on the internet! You get your fancy words out of it, they don't belong here!" yelled Gumshoe, who was hiding underneath the train with Looker.
"Yo, fuckers!" Ichigo yelled outside of the train, and everybody came to a screeching halt. "My wife is kinda having a baby, so if you could stop trying to mutilate each other for maybe two seconds and help out?!" "...well shit, if you put it like that." said Future. Everyone calmly went back on the train, saying nothing. "Wait, that's it?! What the hell was even the point?!" yelled Gumshoe. "Killing time. And boredom." said Future. "It was this or sit around with our thumbs up our rumps for the next few hours." said Lemurs. They went back inside. The detectives shrugged and went back in.
Moments later Ichigo was holding the baby. "I say we name it Banjo." said Future. "Why?" asked Schif. "Reasons." Orihime then began reacting. "The hell?!" yelled Ichigo. Daryl looked in. "Sweet Christ, there's another baby in there." he said. "Wait, what?!" yelled Ichigo. After a few minutes, more crying was heard. Everyone reacted with shock at what they saw. "OH MY GOD!" yelled Joseph.
Ichigo looked in stunned silence at the baby he was holding. It had dark skin and hair. Everyone else looked on in equally stunned silence. "Well, I mean...at the end of the day we all come from Africa, pal." said Gumshoe.
Everyone else soon went back to their business, waiting for help to arrive, saying nothing about what had occured. Eventually, help did arrive after Looker called for his International Police comrades. Nobody dared to speak of what actually happened on the train, with many telling themselves that it was the result of the cold and solitude making them see things.
Epilogue:
At a gas station, months later, Lemurs finished filling the tank of her car and went back into the driver's seat. Future was riding shotgun while Schif and Xilly sat in the back. "So...y'all ready to raise some hell?" she said. They all nodded and put on dark sunglasses, driving away to the tune of a rock remix of 'We Are Number One'.
FIN