Episode 322: Roy Rogers & Dale Evans/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 322: Roy Rogers & Dale Evans.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room has been renovated to give it a look of the old West. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
 	
Scooter	Roy Rogers and Dale Evans! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Roy and Dale!
Dale 	Thank you, Scooter.
 	
Roy 	Hey, Scooter, what's this target doing here?
Scooter	Oh, well, we thought you'd feel more at home on the range.
 	Missiles start exploding around them. They face the camera and grin.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
Patron 	Are these seats taken?
Statler & Waldorf	No! Take 'em! (they chuckle)
 	
 	When Gonzo blows his horn, it sounds like a horse's whinny.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters dressed as a cowboy.
 	
Kermit 	Yahoo and howdy! And welcome to the Muppet cowboy show, with tonight's stars, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. And it's not only my hat that's a tribute to the wild wooly west. There's also my wild wooly vest. (giggles)
 	
Cowboy (RH)	Are those your jokes?
Kermit 	Yes, sir.
Cowboy (RH)	Well, get 'em off my land before you scare the horses.
Kermit 	Yes sir, yes sir. Uh, we're, we're just about to do the opening number. Ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the opening number.
 	
 	The Prairie Dogs sing "Blue Skies."
Waldorf 	How'd you like that song by those prairie dogs?
Statler 	Now there's a number I could go-fer.
 	They chuckle.
Statler 	Gopher! Prairie dog!
==Backstage==
 	The prairie dogs pass by Kermit. One of them steals a paper from Kermit's desk.
Kermit 	OK, nice number, prairie dogs. Nice number. I liked what I saw and I liked what I heard.
 	A herd of cows appears behind Kermit.
Scooter 	Speaking of herd, boss, look what just showed up.
Kermit 	Hey, who's responsible for these crummy cows?
 	
Cowboy (JN)	Some fella by the name of Rogers ordered 'em, shorty.
Kermit 	Hah, Rogers, Roy. Well, uh... uh, the little darlings are always welcome.
 	The cowboy moseys off.
Scooter 	Roy said he wanted something special for the closing number.
Kermit 	Oh. Speaking of that, I have to introduce his opening number.
Scooter 	Oh, yeah. (exits)
Fozzie 	Kermit?
Kermit 	Yeah?
 	
Fozzie 	Uh, what uh… what are these cows here for?
Kermit 	Well, they're apparently for Roy and Dale's closing number.
Fozzie 	(snickers) Uh, ay, what are they singing, uh … "Catch a Falling Steer"? Aaahhhh! Or "If Heifer I Should Leave You"? Aaahhhh!
 	The cows laugh.
Kermit 	Stop, stop, stop, stop! I can take the cows, but not the cow jokes! Whoo! (exits)
Fozzie 	What about the "Moooooo-n River? Aaahhhh!
 	The cows laugh.
=="Skyball Paint"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	OK, well, it's not often that things get any better around here. So, brace yourselves for things to get positively grand right now, because ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the king of the cowboys, Roy Rogers!
 	The curtain opens on a ranch setting. Roy and a bunch of cowboys, including Beauregard, are gathered around.
Roy 	Now this is a story about one of the roughest, toughest, meanest buckin' horses that ever jumped out of a chute, by the name of old Skyball Paint.
 	
 	One of them plays the guitar as Roy sings "Skyball Paint." Beauregard joins on the harmonica.
Statler	That Roy Rogers is one good singer.
Waldorf	Yep, but it he does any of those rope tricks, I'm leaving.
 	He is lassoed out of the balcony.
Statler	Bye! (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Link examines a brand mark on one of the cattle. Floyd makes his way through the herd.
Floyd 	Move it out, Bossie, move it out. Hey, Link, what are you doing hanging out backstage?
 	
Link Hogthrob	(forlorn) Oh, those nasty cowboys threw me out of my dressing room.
Floyd 	No kidding.
Link Hogthrob	They just barged in.
Floyd 	(shakes his head) Well, tell them to move it out. Get tough with them, Linky, babe.
Link Hogthrob	I tried.
 	He reveals the same brand mark on his cheek.
==Muppet Sports==
 	The opening montage plays.
 	
Louis Kazagger	Howdy, sports fans, and welcome to the Wild World of Muppet Sports. And you're just in time for the deciding throw in the horseshoe pitch. As usual, I'm here on the spot.
 	WHAM! A horse lands on him.
Cowpoke (RH) 	Awww! (guffaws) I forgot to take the horseshoes off the horse! (guffaws) Am I stupid!
Waldorf 	Let's put this show out of its misery.
 	They fire pistols and chuckle.
=="Deep in the Heart of Texas"==
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, not only is the king of cowboys with us, but his lady is with us, too. Here she is, Miss Dale Evans.
 	Open on the ranch. Dale gets ready to sing with Bobby Benson's Baby Band. A backup trio plays behind them, including Benson.
 	
Dale 	Now, we're rehearsed, aren't we? OK, do you think you can remember where to come in? You can, of course you can. Come in on the beat of the music clapping with me. OK, let's begin. All right.
Dale & babies	
The stars at night are big and bright,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The prairie sky is wide and high,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!
Dale 	Well, you're not exactly the Sons of the Pioneers … but you get the rhythm.
Dale & babies	
The sage in bloom is like perfume,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!
It reminds me of the one I love,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!
Dale 	You know, children, that's just great. Let's do this again, but let's change it, OK? Suppose instead of clapping, we make a sound like what I'm singing about. You think you can do that? We'll start first with a coyote.
Baby 	What's a coyote?
Dale 	Well, kind of like a dog. You'll hear it. Now, listen real carefully.
The coyote's wail along the trail,
Babies 	Ow-ow-ow-owwwwww…
Dale 	
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The horses all neigh and they munch their hay.
Babies 	(neighing)
Dale 	
Deep in the heart of Texas!
Listen.
The cowboys cry, "Ki-yipee-yipee-yi!"
Babies 	Yip-yip-yeah!
Dale 	
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The dogies bawl, and bawl and bawl …
Babies 	(crying)
Dale 	Oh, oh, I didn't mean you to bawl, dear. Oh, honey, no. No, no, like this. "Ahh." Like that. No, no, OK. Aw, you're so cute. Honestly, I'd just love to adopt every one one of you and take you home with me to Texas.
Baby 	What's a Texas?
Dale 	What's a Texas! Well!
Dale & babies	
Deep in the heart … (Deep in the heart)
Deep in the heart … (Deep in the heart)
Deep in the heart of Texas!
 	Applause.
==UK spot==
 	Two cowboys (played by Jim and Jerry) ride cows.
 	
Jim 	You know, Tex, I love the life out here.
Jerry 	Oh, yes, I love the desert and I love the mountains.
Jim 	Mm. Yep. But most of all, I love these hosses.
Cows 	(mooing)
Jim & Jerry	
A four-legged friend, a four-legged friend,
He'll never let you down, let you down.
He's honest and faithful right up to the end,
That wonderful one, two, three, four-legged friend.
Jim 	Whoa. Whoa, now.
Jerry 	Whoa, there. You know, I thought we'd be there by now.
Jim 	Yeah, but remember we had to stop and water these hosses.
Jerry 	That's right. Then we had to stop and milk 'em.
Cows 	(mooing)
Jim 	Something about this life don't seem right. … Whoa, whoa, easy.
Jim & Jerry	
A four-legged friend, a four-legged friend,
He'll never let you down, let you down.
He's honest and faithful right up to the end,
That wonderful one, two, three, four-legged friend.
Jerry 	Hold up. Easy, boy.
Jim 	(riding backwards) Hey, look at this, trick riding!
Jerry 	Yep, say, that's pretty good. How about this? Speak, Bossie.
 	She moos.
Jim 	We'd be lost without these hosses, you know.
Jerry 	Oh, I'll say, we would.
Jim 	I wonder why they call us cowboys.
Jim & Jerry	
A four-legged friend, a four-legged friend,
He'll never let you down, let you down.
He's honest and faithful right up to the end,
That wonderful one, two, three, four-legged friend.
Ho! Bossie, come on. Hey!
==Bear on Patrol==
 	The opening montage plays.
Announcer 	And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
 	Sheriff Link plays with the stamps. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie 	Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff! Oh, no! Sheriff, Sheriff. Bullets Barker is back in town and he is a-gunnin' for you.
Link Hogthrob 	(cowers) No!
Fozzie 	Yes!
 	Dramatic sting.
Link Hogthrob 	You know, I have some sick leave coming. I think I might just um…
 	Gunshots are heard. Items shatter, including a lamp, a bottle and a phone. A voice is heard...
Bullets Barker	Sheriff, this here's Bullets Barker. (dramatic sting) I'm a-gonna count to three. And if you're not out by then, I'm a-coming in to... (dramatic sting) ... get you. One…
 	Fozzie and Link scramble.
Fozzie 	Oh, hide! Hide! In the closet! No, not the closet. Over here!
Bullets Barker	…two...
Fozzie 	The g- no, not the — the desk! Under the desk!
Bullets Barker	...three!
Fozzie 	(turns and aims) Ha!
 	Barker enters.
Bullets Barker	All right. Where is he?
Fozzie 	Ahh. Uh, outside. Can't miss him.
 	
Bullets Barker	I don't plan to... (dramatic sting) …miss him.
 	He shoots a picture of Link on the wall, then twirls his pistol and blows it.
Fozzie 	Oh, that was — (blows it) — very, very good. Very good. Terrific. Oh, boy. Uh...
 	
Bullets Barker	Well, lookit, I think I'm-a just gonna sit down here and wait till the sheriff comes... (dramatic sting) back.
 	Link bites his nails under the table.
Fozzie 	Would you like some tea, or milk, cookies...
Bullets Barker	Shut up.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir. Yes. Thank you, sir, yes.
Bullets Barker	Heh. Looks like he left his gun here.
Fozzie 	Huh. He never goes anyplace without his gun.
Bullets Barker	What?
Fozzie 	(facepalm) Ha! Oh! (under the table) I'm so sorry, sir, I…
 	Link punches him in the face.
Bullets Barker	What was that?
Fozzie 	Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Bullets Barker	So, he must still be... (dramatic sting) …here.
Fozzie 	Uh, no, no. (gets in front of the jail cell) Uh, he is not here.
Bullets Barker	I should've knowed it! Open that door!
Fozzie 	Yes, sir. (opens the door)
Bullets Barker	All right, I'm coming in to get you, Sheriff.
 	Fozzie shuts the cell door, locking in Barker.
Fozzie 	Ah-ha! I did it! I did it! Sir, he's gone. I did it. He's up there. He's locked up and it's OK. C'mon.
Link Hogthrob 	Ahh. Ohh. Who cares about that? If I can't use this hand anymore, my sheriff days are over. Hand me my piece.
Fozzie 	Yes, sir. (picks up the pistol)
Link Hogthrob 	Not that one.
 	He picks up his stamp and starts stamping.
 	
Link Hogthrob 	Ha! Yeah, I haven't lost it. I'm still the fastest stamp in the west.
 	Fozzie facepalms again while Link stamps away.
==Dressing room==
Roy 	(singing)
Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride,
A sword and a pistol by his side,
Mm-hmm.
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Roy 	Mm-hmm.
Kermit	Mm-hmm. Hey, Roy, you know, it sure is nice having you and Dale with us.
Roy 	Oh, we're just having a great time, Kermit.
Kermit	You don't think our show is a little weird?
Roy 	Well, it is a little weird, but we're still having a great time.
Kermit	Oh, good. You know, there, there's something I've always wanted to ask you, 'cause I know you've made a lot of films.
Roy 	A hundred and eighty-nine.
 	Applause.
Kermit	Ah. You know, I've only made one.
Roy 	One?
 	
Kermit	Yeah. A hundred and eighty-eight to go.
Roy 	(chuckles)
Kermit	Hey, but, in any of those films, did you ever play a bad guy?
Roy 	No, I never did.
Kermit	How come? Didn't think you'd look good wearing a black hat?
Roy 	No, the main reason, that the bad guy never gets to sing.
Kermit	Ah. That's right, they never do.
Roy 	Can you imagine a bad guy stopping a stagecoach, tying up the passengers, taking all their money, and then singing, Happy trails to you?
Kermit	And you know something else, I can't imagine under any circumstances a bad guy yodeling. Matter of fact, you do a lot of yodeling, don't you, Roy?
Roy 	Yes, I do. In fact, I invented some of the yodels I do in my songs.
Kermit	No kidding.
Roy 	Mm-hmm.
Kermit	Somebody told me the only reason you yodel is because you forgot the words of the song.
Roy 	You know how right they were. (they laugh) But who told you that?
Kermit	Uh, some guy in a black hat. Hey, but I agree, yodeling does look like it's fun. Hey, could you show me how to do it?
Roy 	Sure, it's easy.
Kermit	Yeah?
Roy 	Just repeat after me.
Kermit	Yeah?
 	Roy does a few short yodels, which Kermit repeats. He then does a long one.
Kermit	Uh... Well, um, I'll see you later, Roy.
Roy 	Where you going?
Kermit	I'm going to buy a black hat.
 	He exits. Roy grins. Applause.
==Skyball Paint part 2==
 	Open on a horse race track. The racers take their positions.
Announcer 	And now, out of chute number three...
 	Beauregard walks up to chute #2 and points to it.
Announcer 	Chute number three! … Slim Wilson riding old Skyball Paint.
 	
Slim Wilson	Ho, boy.
Announcer 	Go get 'em, Slim.
Slim Wilson	YAAAA-HOOO!
 	Beauregard opens the gate and lets them out. Skyball Paint makes it out of the gate, but Slim doesn't. Beau shuts the gate.
Statler 	OK, partner. I want to see you dance. Now, dance.
 	He shoots a pistol at Waldorf's feet, making him dance.
Statler 	Dance! Dance! … Why, that's beautiful. You think I can dance like that?
Waldorf 	Well, of course.
 	Statler shoots his own feet repeatedly.
Statler 	Oh! Oh, my foot! Ow! Oh!
Waldorf 	(chuckles)
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie plays to the herd of cows, who all laugh at his jokes.
 	
Fozzie 	But seriously, you cows are an udder delight. Ahh! I mean, you don't know the hoof of it. Ahh! Hey, Kermit, Kermit! This bunch of cows loves me. I'm a hit.
Kermit 	Uh, not bunch, herd.
Fozzie 	Uh, heard of what?
Kermit 	Herd of cows.
Fozzie 	Sure, I heard of cows. Ahh!
Kermit 	No, I mean the cows' herd.
Fozzie 	Of course, they heard. I was talking right to them. Ahh! Oh, these are my people!
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, but uh, right now they're needed on stage for the final production number.
Fozzie 	But, but...
Cowboy (JN)	All right! Round 'em up, move 'em out.
 	He starts shooting in the air, driving the cattle towards the stage.
Fozzie 	Whoa. Whoa!
Cowboy (JN)	Come on now, dogies, move it.
Cowboy (RH)	Move it out, move it.
Fozzie 	Wait a minute. I was having fun...
Kermit 	Well, that's one of the things you had to watch out for in the old west.
Fozzie 	What's that?
Kermit 	Audience rustlers.
 	He giggles, then rushes on stage to a fanfare.
==Roy & Dale's medley==
Kermit	Okay. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.
 	
 	The curtain opens on a campfire at night. Roy and Dale, joined by Muppet cowboys, sing a medley of songs, including "Hazy Mountains," "Allá en el Rancho Grande" …
Dale 	(during "Rancho Grande") Who do you think you are, Gene Autry?
 	
 	The lobster banditos and a Mexican Whatnot join them briefly during "Rancho Grande".
 	
 	They continue the medley with "Tumbling Tumbleweeds," and "Happy Trails." Applause.
==Goodnights==
 	
Kermit 	OK, well, buckaroos, we've come to the part where we have to say good-bye. I really hate to do it, 'cause sitting round the campfire with us have been two of America's legends, ladies and gentlemen, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Yaaaay!
 	Applause.
Dale 	Kermit, we've had a wonderful time.
Kermit 	Oh, I'm glad. Listen, Roy, at this point, I usually say good night to everybody, but, tonight, I'd appreciate it if you said it your way.
Roy 	Well, I'd be glad to, Kermit. (addresses the viewer) Until we meet again, on the screen or in person, good-bye, good luck and may the good Lord take a likin' to you.
Kermit 	That's it.
 	The Muppets gather around as the credits roll.
 	
Cow 	Moo.
Statler	No, "boo!"
Cow 	Boo.
Waldorf	Hooray!
Cow 	Hooray.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts