Little Red Cosmo Hood

:Written with the help of a fantastic AI
Once upon a time, there was a HHW user named Cosmo. Cosmo was a young man who was told to by his superior, The Right Honorable Sir Hypercane of Ohio, to deliver a basket full of caviar, mints, and wine to a special, yet unknown, customer. He left the British city of Blahsirhamford upon Tyne and, following the directions sent to him by Hypercane, entered a forest near his house, where he found himself in the company of a very strange creature.
This strange creature was, to his surprise, a giant beetroot. "Hey Cosmo! It's me, Turret. Yeah, I know, TurretNoLife literally turns into a beetroot. That's the funniest shit I've ever seen," the beetroot said.
"Turret, what the hell are you doing here?"
"I am eating dirt. It's good. What are you doing here?"
"I am delivering a gift to a customer, but I've lost my way. Can you please help me get to them?"
"Cosmo, I know what dirt tastes like, but I don't know all the people in the world. Where do they live?"
Cosmo, visibly annoyed, shrugs. "They live here in the woods, in a small cabin just north of here."
"Oh! I know who you're talking about. I won't say who it is though, because I think you're weird. Just follow the public footpath, and you'll be fine. Now I'll go back to eating dirt."
"Thank you, Turret," said Cosmo, greatly relieved.
Cosmo followed the dirt path and soon found himself in front of the customer's cabin. He knocked on the door and was let inside by a man who seemed to be in his late forties or early fifties. He was sitting in a chair in the middle of a clearing, staring off into the woods. Cosmo quickly handed over the basket of food, and the man began eating as if he hadn't eaten in days.
"I have done something foolish," the man said, "Tell me, is there a giant stalking these woods?"
"You mean the giant beetroot? It's just a friend," Cosmo replied. "But why are you being so mysterious?"
"Because I am being mysterious," the man said, "I want to hire you to perform a task for me."
"That's it?" Cosmo asked. "Well, yeah, no, I'm too busy writing fake stories for my Minecraft world. It's much better than this. But who are you?"
"My name is... THG."
"Ohhhh, it's you. Theggus, the hag," replied Cosmo with a smirk.
"My friends call me that, but can we get to the point?"
"Sure," said Cosmo, rolling his eyes. "Why did you need this basket?"
THG reached into his overalls and pulled out a large, brown leather wallet. He flipped it open and showed off a driver's license with his picture and a picture of his shiny car.
"Let's see, you stole a car?"
"Beep beep! Sorry about that, I've never done it before," THG explained.
"But why did you do this, THG?"
"Heh... it was all part of my plan to conquer HHW. I'd use the car to get around, and then I could steal what I wanted easier." THG showed he had a few other credit cards and some cash as well.
"HHW? So, you're a criminal then."
"Well... I'm not only a criminal." He then points to the stove, which was filled with beetroots. "I'm also a cannibal."
He laughs a bit. "No way," you said, "Did you actually kill Turret, with that cringe beetroot costume and everything?"
"Ha ha! Yes, I starved him to death.... wait, Turret? Hell no, it was Akio," THG replied.
"No! Wait, did you actually kill Akio?"
"Not quite, I just found some cookies and decided to bake them because I hate the cookie kingdom."
"Oh. Yay!" Cosmo screamed. "Anyway, can I have some cookies? I need to write a story."
"Sure," THG replies, handing over the rest of the cookies. "Just don't tell anyone you met me."
"Not until the next election, Mr. Total Bull."
Category:StrawberryMaster