Parent Teacher Conferences

Parent Teacher Conferences is the third episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom High. It premiered on May 9, 2021.
==Plot==
Bikini Bottom High holds Parent-Teacher Conferences.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at Mrs. Puff’s class.]
Mrs. Puff: Greetings, class! Does anyone know what day it is?
Mr. Sullivan: May 9, 2021?
Mrs. Puff: No! It’s the day us teachers meet with your parents to discuss your report card.
Mr. Sullivan: Oh. No big deal. I’m a straight-A student, after all!
Mr. Pepperchicken: And I’m a straight student!
Mrs. Puff: But most of your classmates are failing, and I don’t like to call out names, but...[bangs Mr. Cat’s desk]
Mr. Cat: [wakes up] What’s going on?
Mrs. Puff: YOUR PARENTS WILL KNOW ABOUT YOUR OUTRAGEOUS LAZINESS IN MY CLASS TONIGHT, MR. CAT!
Mr. Cat: Uh, my owner got banned from here.
Mrs. Puff: What? Why?
Mr. Cat: Remember the last time he went to Parent Teacher Conferences?
[Flashback.]
Ms. Strawberry: Mr. Banana, your son—
Mr. Banana: HE’S MY CAT! Having children are unproductive, and if I have them, their mother shall be a NICE, JUICY STRAWBERRY!
Ms. Strawberry: Okay...anyways, he has been doing nothing but sleeping and eating in my class, both of which are strictly prohibited. If this is how he’s going to act in life, then he’s in for a tough time.
Mr. Banana: Yeah, I’d like to have a tough time, with you...
Ms. Strawberry: What did you just say?
Mr. Banana: Well, as today is Mother’s Day, how about I make you a mother?
Ms. Strawberry: GET OUT!
Mr. Banana: Nope. [rips off his peel] Surely you can’t say no, to this GIRTHY BANANA COCK!
Ms. Strawberry: SECURITY!
[Flashback ends.]
Mrs. Puff: Oh dear. But just because he's a degenerate piece of shit, doesn’t mean you have to be one! I know you have potential!
Mr. Cat: Yep. Potential. [takes out some lasagna from his bag, eats it, and goes back to sleep]
[The bell rings.]
Mrs. Puff: I hope to see everyone except Mr. Cat’s owner tonight!
[Cut to Mr. Renaud’s class at 6 PM. A crowd of angry parents quickly enter the room.]
Mr. Peterson Sr: Is it true that you have been using our children as stars in your pornos?
Mr. Renaud: Indeed.
Mr. Peterson Sr: Well the jig is up, Paul, because I’m going to put a legal end to all this.
Mr. Renaud: WAIT! I’ll raise the children’s wages by a penny!
Mr. Peterson Sr: A penny?! Who do you think we are?!
Mrs. Peterson: Who do YOU think we are, Nat? It’s about time Nat Jr. starts earning money for the family! His manager just offered to give him a raise, and you want to start a lawsuit against him?!
Mr. Peterson Sr: You want to let this man abuse our son for money?!
Mr. Renaud: Indeed.
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s class at 6:30 PM.]
Mr. R’Onion: Hmm…you look alarmed.
Mrs. Sullivan Sr: Well, it’s just because he failed this class. He’s never even come close to failing before.
Mr. R’Onion: I see.
Mrs. Sullivan Sr: I mean, how could he be failing?! I see him doing his homework for this class almost every night, he passed every test, he even tutors Mr. Pineapple—
[Mr. R’Onion slaps a half-eaten tomato on the table.]
Mr. R’Onion: Do you know who this is?
Mrs. Sullivan Sr: Uh…a half-eaten tomato? But what does that have to do with my son’s grades—
Mr. R’Onion: EVERYTHING!
Mrs. Sullivan Sr: Huh?
Mr. R’Onion: Last week, I saw your son eating that sweet, innocent tomato! By eating her, he has participated in the plant genocide, which I have spent my whole life trying to stop!
Mrs. Sullivan Sr: Plant what?
Mr. R’Onion: And as President of Bikini Bottom, I hereby declare that he be held in jail indefinitely without trial for this act of savagery!
Mr. Sullivan Sr: I think you’re crazy. You know what, I’m pulling him out of this class, I will not let anyone treat my child this way!
Mr. R’Onion: Well, at least your child is fucking alive! He butchered what was probably one of my daughters!
Mrs. Sullivan Sr: Probably one of your WHAT?!
Mr. R’Onion: It’s hard to keep track. I’ve had many children with many plants. Eh, I’ll assume he did kill her. Now I need to have sex with her mother to replace her! Wagers of the plant genocide like your son shall never stop my dick! [takes out his dick, grabs a potted tomato plant, and starts thrusting his dick in and out of the soil in the pot]
Mrs. Sullivan Sr: Once again, you’re crazy.
Mr. R’Onion: Then you haven’t met Mr. Lobster.
[Cut to Mr. Lobster’s class at 7 PM.]
Mr. Lobster: Greetings, parents. I would like to start this off by saying that you don’t have to be the most athletic individual to pass my class. The only thing I expect from my students is… does anyone care to finish my sentence?
Mr. Swordfish Sr: Putting in effort?
Mr. Lobster: Nope. UNCOMPROMISING LOYALTY TO OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP!
Mr. Swordfish Sr: That’s ridiculous.
Mr. Lobster: Okay, satanic pedophile. Anyways, I have an important question: who here wants their kids to take the Plague vaccine?
[All parents raise their hands. Mr. Lobster gasps and stumbles back in shock.]
Mr. Lobster: Oh dear. YOU’RE ALL SATANIC PEDOPHILES!
Mr. Swordfish: Dude, we just want to be protected against the Plague.
Mr. Lobster: Good to hear all points of view then you make up your own mind what's best for you and your family. Once you get tested for COVID-19, you will be on the list to get the vaccination. Once you get the vaccination, life will end as you know it right now. DO NOT GET TESTED IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE SO ALREADY, and DEFINITELY DO NOT TAKE THE COVID-19 vaccination NO MATTER WHAT THREATS THE GOVERNMENT THROWS AT YOU, because once it is injected into your body, there is no turning back, no undoing the damage, and no way to reverse your LIFE-THREATENING DECISION. The elites and their families are exempt from taking it, but the 95% majority will likely be forced to eventually take it. Everything you were ever taught is a lie by design. Governments lie 100% of the time, they always have, and they always will. The controlled mainstream media is not reality, but rather is lies, disinformation, half-truths, and fake events carried out by gov/media hired crisis actors (aka role players).
Mr. Swordfish: For the love of Neptune, can we just leave?
Mr. Lobster: NO! YOU WILL ALL HEAR ME SPIT THE TRUTH! IF YOU DON’T, YOU WILL BE CONSUMED BY LIES!
[The episode ends as the parents all groan.]
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