Degenerate Senate

Degenerate Senate is the eighth episode of season three, and the twenty-third episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on October 10, 2020.
== Plot ==
Incumbent Senator Dan Sullivan and Biden campaign manager Mr. Banana duke it out in the only 2020 Mount Bikini Senate debate.
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins with Senator Dan Sullivan watching the news.]
Mr. Sullivan: There better be something here I can get off to.
[Perch Perkins appears.]
Mr. Perkins: Breaking news! There is a reported tie between independent challenger Mr. Banana and Republican incumbent Dan Sullivan in the Mount Bikini Senate race. Both candidates are polling at 50% in one of the most divisive senate races we’ve ever seen.
Mr. Sullivan: WHAT THE?! [spits out his drink] Unacceptable. Purely unacceptable. How can I be tied with a literal banana, who is a war and sex criminal?!
Mrs. Sullivan: [walks in] Dan, you’re also a war and sex criminal. Remember your records on the Social Rejects Club and Bernie-Biden Brawl?
Mr. Sullivan: Not now, honey! I need to start getting serious if I want to be re-elected.
Mrs. Sullivan: Well, you’re going to need to pull in some big endorsements. Do you have anyone in mind?
Mr. Sullivan: Indeed I do! Lana Rhoades!
Mrs. Sullivan: DAN! [slaps him]
Mr. Sullivan: Okay, I deserved that one. Wait! I know exactly who to call. [dials phone and puts it to his ear, as it cuts to Mr. Pineapple on the other line]
Mr. Pineapple: This better not be Mr. G again. I will NOT revoke my condemnation of your crimes in the Bikini Bottom Civil War!
Mr. Sullivan: No, Mr. Pineapple, this is Senator Dan Sullivan. I heard you were pardoned by the glorious Donald Trump, and I need your help in defeating the fruit fucker.
Mr. Pineapple: Now tell me why I would endorse a sexual degenerate and Zionist like you.
Mr. Sullivan: Uhh…[scratches head] Because it would help me?
Mr. Pineapple: Unless you renounce your egregious policies, Mr. Sullivan, I can not aid you in your re-election. Go recruit Ted Cruz or someone. [about to hang up] 
Mr. Sullivan: WAIT! What if I left the GOP in favor of the Green Party?
Mr. Pineapple: Now we’re talking. But you have to make everyone aware.
Mr. Sullivan: I can do that! We have a debate tomorrow. I can’t wait to DESTROY Mr. Banana with FACTS and LOGIC. [stops for a second] Uh, what does the Green Party do again?
Mr. Pineapple: [facepalms] Just follow my lead tomorrow. You’re gonna need it.
[Cut to Mr. Sullivan and Mr. Banana walking to the stage at the Senate debate. We see Mr. Sullivan with an earpiece.]
Mr. Pineapple: [from earpiece] Alright, Sullivan, just follow my lead. You’ll be getting votes in no time.
Mr. Sullivan: Got it. [Thomas Chillyrooster comes on stage]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Welcome, folks, to the first debate - and probably only, because no one wants to see more of this shit - between the two candidates for Senator of Mount Bikini. We have challenger Mr. Banana-
Mr. Banana: There’s fruit here, right? That’s what I was promised.
Mr. Chillyrooster: [ignoring him] -debating against incumbent Dan Sullivan.
Mr. Sullivan: Aka Big Dick Boy!
Mr. Chillyrooster: DAN! We have no time for that sexual degeneracy, we have a lot to go over tonight. [shuffling papers] Starting with the economy
Mr. Banana; So there’s NO fruit?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Banana, please! ([urns to Mr. Sullivan] Senator Sullivan, you have recently released your plan to make the content sharing site OnlyFish free to all. 
Mr. Sullivan: Why yes, yes I have. Everyone should be able to access such vital content, regardless of their wealth. The fish orgasm is an experience that no one should have to pay a monthly fee for. That’s why - with just a slight increase in taxes - the government can pay for this essential service.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well, I’m interested. Out of all of the free services Mount Bikini could benefit from - healthcare, social security, education - you chose OnlyFans? Is this really what the government should be spending their precious funds on?
Mr. Sullivan: Absolutely. You can have the best medicare and a complete education, but neither of those can give us direct access to the erotic media shared on OnlyFish. It’s a fish necessity to be able to self-pleasure, and giving everyone free access to such content will aid that.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Sullivan, don’t you have a wife?
Mr. Sullivan: Yes. [ear sparks]
Mr. Pineapple: PhillyDan25…all you had to do was promise free healthcare.
Mr. Sullivan: Oh, and ignore my point earlier. I support free healthcare and a hefty rise of the minimum wage. Free college too.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Hm… Mr. Banana, any objections?
Mr. Banana: OnlyFans is a blasphemous waste of time. The government should not be inclined to fund such an egregious site. We shouldn’t be providing luxuries to citizens - we need to take all of their preexisting luxuries away!
Mr. Chillyrooster: And what does that entail?
Mr. Banana: First, we take away all video games and music. Those are direct works of the devil, and only lead to a downward spiral of unproductivity and evil. Then, we need to make sure everyone is educated and gets a job.
Mr. Sullivan: (interrupting) Well, if you’re talking about free education-
Mr. Banana: Free?! When did I say anything about free? We need to charge them every penny. We need to keep feeding billionaire elites like my good friend Squilliam Fancyson. Once they earn their degree and move onto their job, we need to make sure that is their ONLY focus. No letting them marry and no kids allowed. That, Thomas, is exactly why we need to steal everything unproductive. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well, you two are certainly passionate about your issues. Time to move on to human rights. Senator Sullivan, what are your thoughts on LGBTQ+ rights?
Mr. Pineapple: [tuning in] You know what to say.
Mr. Sullivan: [whispering] Welp, the Republicans in the crowd aren’t gonna like my answer. [sighs] LGBTQ+ are regular people. There is no reason that they shouldn’t have the same rights as everyone else..
[Cut to the Pepperchicken residence, where he’s watching the debate on his TV.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: That’s it! [gets up, grabbing his gun] I must not let this traitor win again.
[Cuts back.]
Mr. Banana: Well, as someone who is attracted to both genders of strawberries, I agree that we must not be oppressed. However, trans rights is what I’m iffy on.
Mr. Chillyrooster: And why is that, sir?
Mr. Banana: They are simply too inappropriate for children’s cartoons. 
[Cuts back to Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: This banana is by far the lesser of the two evils!
[Cuts back to debate.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: And what about foreign policy?
Mr. Banana: Israel is a country guilty of apartheid. They kill innocent Palestinians. And for that reason…I believe it is imperative that we keep aiding them! They kill children, and as you all know, children are an unproductive investment.
Mr. Sullivan: Well…I can’t say I disagree with my opponent. That’s why I voted for the anti-BDS…
Mr. Pineapple: SENATOR SULLIVAN! 
Mr. Sullivan: Oops, that’s not what I meant! I mean that Israel is a terrorist state and they need to have their aid revoked. Then maybe they won’t slaughter innocent civilians.
[We see spectators in the crowd starting to applaud Mr. Sullivan, but we also see some of them who supported him shake their head in disapproval.]
Mr. Sullivan supporters: FAUX REPUBLICAN! FAUX REPUBLICAN! FAKE NEWS! [they start throwing Sullivan 2020 hats at him]
[A bunch of Green Party supporters flood the room, stealing some of Mr. Banana’s supporters, causing the crowd to fight.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Damn fools! Save that for later. We still have more debating left! [crowd reluctantly settles down as we turn back to the debate] Now, would either of you vote for President Trump’s Supreme Court Justice replacement for the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
Mr. Banana: Absolutely. We all know the president, as much as I deepthroat Biden, is going to appoint the best evangelical this is. I say we have a number on the big issues, just like banning music and all opposition to Christianity.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Okay, and Mr. Sullivan?
Mr. Sullivan: Um…
Mr. Pineapple: [tuning in] Say yes, but also talk some shit they don’t need.
Mr. Sullivan: Naturally I would oppose the new appointment, but let’s be real - RGB should’ve resigned under Obama. As much of a war criminal-
Mr. Banana: YOU’RE CALLING HIM A-
Mr. Chillyrooster: Gentlemen, gentlemen, not again! We’re moving on now. So- [Mr. R’Onion barges onto the stage as he’s about to speak]
Mr. R’Onion: Excuse me, sir, but I have a question I need to ask.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sir, you are a presidential candidate. We can not allow such partisan moderators.
Mr. R’Onion: That is a very strange, very unusual rule. I insist that I need to ask this question for the sake of the trees.
Mr. Sullivan: [to Mr. Pineapple] What is he doing here?
Mr. Pineapple: He’s gonna help you. I recruited him to do this.
Mr. Sullivan: Alright, lay it on me R’Onion.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright, Mr. R’Onion, I will let you ask one question. But that is it!
Mr. R’Onion: Thank you, sir! [walks towards the two candidates]
Mr. Banana: AHH! The Communist Onion!
Mr. R’Onion: What are your plans involving the environment?
Mr. Sullivan: Uhh…the Green New Deal?
[Left-wingers in crowd cheer.]
Mr. R’Onion: Hmm...just make sure it’s a deal that benefits only trees! The AOC-Markey deal benefits Bikini Bottomites as well, and that’s just repulsive! Bikini Bottomites should suffer!
Mr. Banana: NO! CLIMATE CHANGE IS A MYTH! USE FOSSIL FUELS!
Mr. R’Onion: YOU! [faints due to his answer. Mr. Sullivan goes over to check on his pulse.]
Mr. Sullivan: You made him pass out!
Mr. Banana: I did? I think he passed out due to your egregious sexual degeneracy.
Mr. Sullivan: Like what?
Mr. Banana: Like when you adjusted your boxers at the sight at that redhead! Everyone knows that it’s only acceptable to adjust your dick at the sight of a strawberry. Or a pear. Or a child’s hair!
Mr. Sullivan: Well, you also want to kill innocent people! Unlike me, who used to want to kill innocent people.
Mr. Banana: What happened to you, Mr. Senator? Why did you have to flip on that amazing position?!
Mr. Sullivan: You better shut up before I shove you up my ass.
Mr. Banana: Do it, Marxist! [the two start to fight as the crowd also begins to brawl in a disorganized fashion]
Mr. R’Onion: [gains consciousness] Sullivan! Banana! [gets up to stop the two] Throughout all my years of politics, I've never seen anyone act the way you do. I've never seen candidates act this way. So immature, so silly!
Mr. Sullivan: Well-
Mr. R’Onion: You’re falling incredibly behind, Mr. Sullivan. Look at all those conservative nutjobs who flipped on you!
Conservatives in Crowd: Well, Mr. Banana’s supporters also started supporting Mr. Sullivan.
Mr. R’Onion: Nevermind then…welp, I’m gonna go back home to cuddle with a tree. [everyone starts to walk out, leaving Mr. Sullivan on the stage alone. Mr. Pineapple walks in]
Mr. Pineapple: You did good, Mr. Sullivan. You have my vote.
Mr. Sullivan: Yay! Can I have your semen too?
Mr. Pineapple: DAN! Do I have to arrest you on the SRC again?
Mr. Sullivan: Arrest me, daddy!
[Cuts to TV inside in the arena turning on with a news report.]
Mr. Perkins: Breaking news! After the debate today, it appears that both candidates are still tied in the polls. Looks like the debate only served to divide Mount Bikini. [TV turns off]
Mr. Sullivan: What? How is that possible? You supported me, Mr. Pineapple! [Mr. Pineapple looks away and points over]
Mr. Pineapple: You might want to take a look. [points at Mr. Pepperchicken and Mr. Banana]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, Mr. Banana, your views on LGBTQ+ rights are certainly better than those of your opponent. You have my endorsement! Just stay away from the male fruits, though.
Mr. Banana: Well, well, I can’t make any promises, you know.
[Mr. Sullivan is seen with a deadpan expression.]
Mr. Sullivan: Hm…I see. Interesting. Welp, time to go and try to make a fake credit card for OnlyFans. 
[The episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season