'Round Springfield/Quotes

:Homer: Lisa, when you get to be our age, you learn a few things. Like when a sign says 'Do not feed the bears' (holds up his arm with a bear cub having its claws and teeth sunk into it) man, you better not feed the bears.
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:Marge: (Quizzing Bart) Who was George Washington Carver?
:Bart: The guy who chopped up George Washington?
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:Bart: Mrs Krabappel, I can't take the test, I have a stomach ache.
:Mrs. Krabappel: Well, that's a lame excuse for an excuse - Ha!
:Bart: Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble.
:Mrs. Krabappel: Read page six of the School Charter.
:Bart: No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies.
:Mrs. Krabappel: We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake.
:(Cut to Milhouse, who has been eaten by the school snake.)
:Milhouse: Hey, cool, there's a rabbit in here!
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:Bart: (in the nurse's office) Lunchlady Doris, why are you here?
:Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
:Cut to a classroom, where Willie is teaching French.
:Groundskeeper Willie: Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!
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:Hans Moleman: [Giving a radio report] Hello. This is "Moleman in the Morning." Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series on the agonizing pain in which I live every day.
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:Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
:Lisa: [Cries And Weeps] Oh, Dad! (she runs off crying and weeping again)
:Homer: Oh, I blew it again. What? [Maggie shuts Homer up with a pacifier and he makes sucking noises] Mmmmm...
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:Krusty: It wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan! If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor: PERCODAN?! Aw, crap!
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:Grampa: Death stalks you at every turn!
:Lisa: Grampa!
:Grampa: Well, it does! [points at Maggie and yells] Gah! There it is! DEATH!
:Lisa: It's only Maggie.
:Grampa: [chuckling] Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So.. [screams] DEATH! [points at Snowball II]
:Lisa: That's only the cat.
:Grampa: Oh. [points at Maggie again and screams] DEATH!
:Lisa: That's Maggie again, Grampa.
:Grampa: Oh. Where were we. [points towards something, probably the door and screams] DEATH!
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:Krusty the Clown: I contend the tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives. Next question.
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:Homer: Lisa, honey, if you really want to preserve his memory, I recommend getting a tattoo. [rolls up his left sleeve] It preserves the things you love. [notices his tattoo] Starland Vocal Band? They suck!
:Grampa: [outside, still obsessed over death "stalking him", pointing at the bird bath and screams] DEATH!
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:Homer: And I won't rest until I've gotten a hot dog!
:Marge: Homer, this is a cemetery.
:Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
:Homer: Woo-hoo!
:Marge: What do you do, follow my husband around?
:Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
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:On The Cosby Show
:Bill Cosby: Meet Grandpa Murphy.
:Child: But we have three grandpas already.
:Bill Cosby: This one is a great jazz musician.
:Child: They all are.
:Bill Cosby: You see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hipping and the hopping and the bipping and the bopping. So they don't know what the jazz is all about. You see, jazz is like a Jell-O Pudding Pop. No. Actually, it's more like Kodak film. No. Actually, jazz is like the New Coke. It'll be around forever.
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:Bleeding Gums Murphy: Lisa, I sure am glad you dropped by. You're the first visitor I've had.
:Lisa: What about your family?
:Bleeding Gums Murphy: I don't really have a family. All I had was a little brother who grew up to become a doctor. He used to laugh at the most inappropriate times.
:Dr. Hibbert: I've got an older brother that I'll never see. He's a jazz musician or some such.
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:Bleeding Gums Murphy: What are you here for?
:Lisa: My brother just had his appendix out.
:Bleeding Gums Murphy: Is he gonna be okay?
:Bart: [with a crude face drawn on his buttocks] Hello, I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds, and I'm a little "behind."
:Lisa: He'll be fine.
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:(After Bart's surgery)
:Marge: How's my special little guy?
:Lisa: How're you feeling, big brother?
:(Maggie sucks on her pacifier)
:Homer: Aw, this is wonderful! You're alive!
:Bart: (hatefully) No thanks to you, Homer.
:Homer: Why, you little-- (chokes Bart for a while)
:Dr Hibbert: Now, Homer, please. The boy's just had a very serious operation.
:Homer: (moodily) All right.
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:Various spirits appear in the sky
:Bleeding Gums Murphy: You've made an old jazzman happy, Lisa.
:Mufasa: You must avenge my death, Kimba... I mean, Simba.
:Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father.
:James Earl Jones: This is CNN.
:Bleeding Gums Murphy: Will you guys pipe down? I'm saying goodbye to Lisa.
es:'Round Springfield/Frases