CONVERSATION and oratory

GOOD BREEDING. 
All are not gentlemen by birth ; but all may begentlemen in openness, in modesty of langusge, in attracting no man's attention by singularities, and giving no man offence by forwanthers ; for it is this, in matter of speech and style, which la the wire mark of good torte and good breeding. —Dw Azwonn. 
Awkwardness in conversation usually arises from a nervous dread of saying the wrong thing. A sudden question discomposes. No answer is at hand. To consider and devise an answer would make too long a pause, even if the mind were collected, while in fact to think coolly under the awaiting eye of the questioner is impossible. So the victim begins a reply without a hint as to how be shall complete it, stammers, blunders, and retires despairingly. 
A shy person not only feelspain but gives pain ; but, what is the worst, he incurs blame for a want of that rational and manly confidence which is so useful to those who possess it, and so pleasant to those who witness it. I am severe against shyness, because it looks like a virtue ; and because it gives us false notions of what the real virtue is. —STDNEY SMITH. 
Recognized Phrases. —There are few such emergencies for which society has not provided. To devise an original greeting for each of our acquaintances would be a task
4 GOOD BREEDING. [PART IL
quite beyond us ; but it is conventionally agreed that all shall be contented with "How do you do?" When we know this form of greeting, and know that it will be considered sufficient, our mental energy, no longer paralyzed by the dread of being found at a loss, enables us to grope about for a more special salutation, assured that if we fail to find it we have at our tongue's end a formula adequate to the occasion. The first requisite to swimming well is to be assured one is not going to drown. 
A diner-out of long experience has left succeeding generations heir to these two rules :
•	Always know what it is conventional to say ;
•	
•	Say something else. 
•	
A man meeting another grasped his hand cordially and exclaimed in tones of polite but uncertain recognition, "Mr. Brown, I believe ? " "If you believe that, " calmly replied the stranger, whose name was Hamilton, "you'll believe anything. " Mr. Brown recognized and responded to the humor of the reply, and a pleasant acquaintance followed. 
Frank confession, from its rarity, often produces the effect of wit. Thus a man in whose honor a dinner was given, responding to the toast offered him, declined to make a speech on the ground that a morbid desire for originality restrained him from saying that this was the proudest moment of his life, and it really didn't occur to him to say anything else. 
The conventionalities of society are comparatively few in number and easily acquired. How little of the phrase of common intercourse is of modern origin is amusingly shown in the still familiar forms laid down in Swift's "Complete Collection of Genteel and Ingenious Conversations, " and even in the " Colloquies " of Erasmus. It is not so much that the words are stereotyped, though there is considerable uniformity of expression. But it is understood, for instance, that when one meets an acquaintance, one is to greet him, and show interest in him by inquiries
Crier. I. ] ACQUAINTANCE WITH CONVENTIONALITIES. 5
as to himself, his family, his friends. These inquiries are to the well-bred man a matter of course, and are made through habit without thought or effort. Meantime one has recovered from one's surprise, has recalled what one knows of the acquaintance, his position, his history, the circumstances under which one has met him, and is ready without a break in the conversation to suggest some topic likely to be of interest. Were there no established forms of greeting, but were thetwo required from the first word to evolve the proper thing to say and the proper way to say it, we may be sure such encounters would be awkward and dreaded. 
Erasmus (1526) gives a multitude of forms for all ordinary occasions, between all sorts of persons, a fair proportion of which are stall in use. Thus for "Farewell, " at parting, we have : "Fare ye all well. Farewell. Take care of your health. Take a great care of your health. I bid you good-by. Time calls me away, fare ye well, " etc. , etc. 
Swift (1730) in playful sarcasm published a collection of "at least a thousand shining questions, answers, repartees, replies and rejoinders, fitted to adorn every kind of discourse that an assembly of English ladies and gentlemen, met together for their mutual entertainment, can possibly want ;" he boldly affirmed that "the whole genius, humor, politeness, and eloquence of England" were summed up in it, the last six or seven years not having added above nine valuable sentences; he further faithfully assured the reader that there was not a single witty phrase in the collection which had not received the stamp and approbation of at least one hundred years, so that all might be relied upon as "genuine, sterling, and authentic. "
As might be expected, the collection is of shallow and slang phrases, which one might think ephemeral. Yet no small proportion may be heard at this day wherever people are gathered in idle mood. Some of the commonest are the following :
IN Sr. JAMES' PARK. 
Col. Atwit. How do you do, Torn?
Tom Nectroug. Never the better for you. 
Cot. Why, Everyone as they like, ea the good woman mid when she Mooed the row, 
6 GOOD BREEDING. (PART IL
IN LORD smArrs HOUSE. 
Never. Come, a penny for your thought. 
Mime Notable. It ill not worth a farthing ; for I was thinking of you. 
Lady AneweralWell, bat sit while you stay ; 'tie as cheap gritting ax standing. Lady Smart. Go, rim girl, and warm tome fresh cream. 
Betty. Indeed, ma'am, there's none left ; for the cat has eaten it alLLady B. I doubt it was a cat with two legs. 
Lady A. Pray, my lord, did you walk through the Park in the rain ?
Lord Sparkish. Yee, madam, we were neither sugar nor salt ; we were not afraid the rain would melt us. 
Col. Indeed, madam, that's a lie. 
Lady A. . . . I don't lie; I alt. 
Miss. Pray, colonel, let me see that box. 
Col. Madam, there's never a C on it. 
Mist. Maybe there is, colonel. 
Cot. Ay, but May bees don't fly now, mils. 
Never. Well, miss, rn think on this. 
Miss. That's rhyme, if you take it in time. 
Never. What!I see you are a poet. 
NW. Yee, if I had but the wit to show it. . Bat pray, Mr. Reverent, what
lady was that you were talking with in the aide-box last Tuesday ? Never. bEAP, oan you keep a secret ?
Jan. Yes, I can. 
Never. Well, miss, and so can I. 
(A pnir of smoke CORM down Me chimney. )
Lady A. Lord, madam, does your ladyship's chimney smoke ?
CM. No, madam; but they say smoke always pursues the fair, and your ladyship sat nearest. 
Lady 8. Madam, do you love bohea teal
Lady A. Why, madam, I must confess I do love it, but it does not love me. Never. Methinks, miss, I don't much like the color of that ribbon. 
Mies. Why, then, Mr. Neverout, do you see, if you don't much like it, you may look off ft. . . . Pray, colonel, make me a present of that pretty penknife. 
Col. Not for the world, dear miss ; it will cut love. 
Miss. My comfort is, 'twill be all one a thousand years hence. 
Never. Why, miss, you are so cross I could and it in my heart to hate you. Mies. With all my heart ; there will be no love lost between us. 
Lady S. Colonel, methinks your coat is too short. 
Cot. It will be long enough before I get another, madam. . . . Miss, you have got my handkerchief ; pray, let me have it. 
Lady S. No; keep it miss ; for they say possession is eleven points of thelaw. Col. Will your ladyship be on the Mall to morrow night
Lady B. No, that won't be proper ; you know to-morrow's Sunday. 
Col. What then, madam they say the better the day, the better the deed. . . . Dick Lubber said to Mrs. Talkall, the other day : Madam, you can't cry be to goose. Yes, but I can, said she ; and, egad, cry'd ho full in his face. 
Never. Pray, madam, smoke miss, yonder, biting her lips and playing with her fan. Whali that takesmy name in vain?
Cusp. I. ] A CENTURY AND A HALF AGO. 7
(Ste runs op to them and fall doten. )
Lady A. Why, miss, I wish you may not have broke her ladyship's floor. Never. Miss, come to me, and I'll take you up. 
Miss. Pray, Mr. Neverout, keep your breath to cool year porridge : you mowers my corn by your bushel. 
sever. Indeed, miss, youHe
ins. Did youever hear anything so rude'
Never. I mean you lie—under a mistake. 
Smart. Why, Tom. you are high in the mode. 
Never. My lord, it is better to be out of the world than out of the fashion. 
AT DINNED-
Co'. Here, miss ; they say lingers were made before forks, and hands before knives. 
(Neverout eats a piece ofpie and burns hie month. )
Smart. What's the matter, Toni? you have tears in your eyes, I think ; what dost cry tor, man ?
Never. My lord, I was just thinking of my poor grandmother I she died just thisTory day seven years. 
(Miss take a bit and tarns her mouth. )
Never. And pray, miss, why do you cry too?
Nadt. Decorum youwere not hanged the day your grandmother died. 
Spark. What do you think of a little house well Alltd ?
Sir . 1. And a little land well tilled ?
C. d. Ay; and a little wife well willed ?
Smart. (Carobs(' a partridge. )Well, one may ride to Rumford upon this knife, it h so blunt. 
Lady A. My lord, I beg your pardon ; but they say an ill workman never had good tools. 
Smart. Sir John, what arc you d. a. ng ?
Sir J. I must do as the beggars do, go away when I have got enough. 
Cot Miss, I thank you ; and, to reward you, ru come and dr:nk tea with you In the morn:ng. 
Matt Colonel, therein two words to that bargain. 
Cot. Why, my lord, you see m!as has no mercy ; I with she were married but I doubt the gray mare would prove the better horse. 
Anyone desiring to revel in the thousand more of these memorized witticisms, will find them in any complete edition of Swift's works. Not until there are fewer persons who rely for utterance upon their memory instead of upon their wit, will set phrases be restricted to their proper sphere—the verbal courtesies that express good-will where it is impracticable to express anything more. 
Usages of Society not Unreasonable. —It is therefore of importance that one should be familiar with the phrases customary to polite society ; and, indeed, this knowledge should extend to all its usages. No one can talk well while doubtful whether he is behaving properly, 
8 GOOD BREEDING. [Parr IL
nor will his best talking avail him with those whose eyes are fixed on the social enormities of which he is guilty. 
Sainte-Beuve was noted for his charm in conversation, but he never received a second invitation from the Empress Eugenie, because at his first breakfast he unfolded his napkin and laid it over both knees, instead of dropping it carelessly over his left knee, and broke his egg into the cup, instead of eating it from the shell. At first thought it seems ridiculous to insist upon such nicety in social usages ; but, after all, these rules have reason behind them, and seem unreasonable only to those who either cannot perceive their purpose, or are careless of the comfort in little things of those about them. It takes many of these trifles to make perfection in social intercourse ; but this perfection is no trifle, and must not be underestimated. Insolent (in miens, Latin) is literally only unaccustomed, and one is indeed insolent who presumes to mingle with others without regarding the ways and habits to which they have been accustomed. 
Defect in manners is usually the defect of fine perceptions. Men are too coarsely made for the delicacy of beautiful carriage and customs. It is not quite sufficient to good breeding, a union of kindness and independence. We imperatively require a perception of, and a homage to, beauty in our companions. Other virtues are in request in the field and work-yard, but a certain degree of taste is not to be spared in those we sit with. I could better eat with one who did not respect the truth or the laws than with a sloven and unpresentable. Moral qualities rule the world, but at short distances the senses are despotic. —EMIERSON. 
Hardness is want of minute attention to the feelings of others. It does not proceed from malignity or carelessness of inflicting pain, but from a want of delicate perception of those little things by which pleasure is conferred or pain excited. 
A hard person thinks he has done enough if he does not speak Mot your relation; your children, or your country ; and then, with the greatest good-humor and volubility, and with total inattention to your individual state and position, gallops over a thousand line feelings and leaves in every step the marks of his hoofs upon your heart
Analyze the conversation of a well-bred man who is clear of the besetting sin of hardness; It Is a perpetual homage of polite good-nature. He remembers that youare connected with the Church, and he avoids (whatever his opinions may be) the most distant reflections on the Establishment. He knows that you are admired, and he admires you. . far as is compatible with good breeding. He sees that, though young, you are at the head of large establishment, and he infuses into his manner and conversation that respect which is so pleasing to all who exercise authority. He leaves you In perfect good
L] IMPORTANCE OF GOOD MANNERS. 9
humor with yourself, because you perceive how much and how ataxashtlly you have been studied. 
In the meantime, the gentleman on the other side of you (a highly morel and respectable man) has been crushing little sensibilities and overlooking little discriminations, and without violating anything which can be called a rule, or committing what can be denominated a fault, has displeased and dispirited you from stinting that line vision which sees little thing; and that delicate touch which handles them, and that line sympathy which this superior moral organization always bestows. 
Bo great an evil in moiety is hardness, and that want of perception of the minute circumstances which occasion pleasure or pain. —Orman Bann. 
Good Manners Requisite to Success. —Besides, however one may feel disposed in principle toward these particular requirements, he must in practice yield to them if he would be successful in conversation. For the
first requisite of this art is adaptation to the person one talks with, not only in subject and in expression, but in personal appearance and manners. A French book on rhetoric begins with directions for the care of the teeth. No well-bred person could listen comfottably toa fellowguest, however wise, who ate with noisy greediness. 
We talk much of utilities, but 'tis our manners that associate us. In hours of business we go to him who knows, or has, or does this or that which we want, and we do not let our taste or our feeling stand in the way. But this activity over, we return to the indolent state, and wish for those we can be at ease with ; those who will go where we go, whose manners do not offend us, whose social tone chimes with ours. When we reflect on their persuasive and. cheering force ; how they recommend, prepare, and draw people together ; how, in all clubs, manners make the members ; how manners make the fortune of the ambitious youth ; that, for the most part, his manners marry him, and, for the most part, he marries manners; when we think what keys they are, and to what secrets, what high lessons and inspiring tokens of character they convey, and what divination is required in us for the reading of this fine telegraph, we see what range the subject has, and what relations to convenience, power, and beauty. —Emzuson. 
Good Manners never Ostentatious. —It is another application of the same principle that one should
10 GOOD BBEEDEIG. [Paw IL
not be ostentatious of fine manners. Ill-breeding is never more offensive than when, by doing things in an obtrusively different way, it seeks to make others feel that they have done a thing improperly. The same motive which leads one to observe how well-bred persons do things, in order to avoid giving well-bred people offence, leads one to avoid doing things at all, or even to do things improperly, when to do them properly would make someone present feel that he had committed a solecism. 
As manners go, few things are to well-bred people more disagreeable than to convey food to one's mouth with a knife ; and yet if one were dining with an elderly person, likely to be sensitive, who had began the meal by eating with his knife, or if one were a guest at a table where there were only two-tined steel forks, and an attempt to eat with them might make the hostess blush because she could not furnish silver, it would be one's duty to conceal as much as possible that he was eating with his fork, or even to eat with his knife. No mere conventionality must interfere with the broad principle that it is the part of a well-bred person to put those about him at their ease. 
Observe ConventIonalities. —The first lesson to impress upon those who would excel in conversation is to be watchful of conventionalities. No written precepts can inculcate them. They are subject to constant development, and increase in complexity as one mingles with those more and more fitted by nature and position to give prominence to the courtesies of life. But with a disposition to put others, and to leave others, at their ease, even at personal sacrifice, with an observant eye, and here and there with a hint from older persons, one may learn so to comport one's self that one's manner will never make others uncomfortable—an essential prerequisite to success in conversation. 
CHAP. L] SELFISHNESS OF ILL MANNERS. 11
Emerson defines manners as the happy ways of doing things, once a stroke of genius or of love, but now hardened by usage into habit. How much more graceful is this way of putting it than the corresponding passage in Swift "Therefore, I insist that good sense is the principal foundation of good manners ; but because the former is a gift which very few among men are possessed of, therefore, all the civilized nations of the world have agreed upon fixing some rules upon common behavior best suited to their general customs or fancies, as a kind of artificial good sense, to supply the defects of reason. "
Ill-breeding, says the Abbe Belgarde, is not a single defect, but it is the result of many It is sometimes a gross ignorance of decorum, or a stupid insolence which prevents us from giving to others what is due to them. It is a peevish malignity which inclines us to oppose the inclinations of those with whom we converse. It is the consequence of a foolish vanity which has no complaisance for any other person ; the effect of a proud and whimsical humor, which soars above all the rules of civility ; or, lastly, it is produced by a melancholy turn of mind, which pampers itself with a rude and disobliging behavior. —Fmnure. 
Sydney Smith's Definition, of "A 11Tke Person. "
A nice person is neither too tall nor too short, looks clean and cheerful, has no prominent feature, makes no difficulties, is never misplaced, sits bodkin, is never foolishly affronted, and is void of affectations. 
A nice person helps you well at dinner, understands you, is always gratefully received by young and old, Whig and Tory, grave and gay. 
There is something in the very air of a nice person which inspires you with confidence, makes you talk. and talk without fear of malicious misrepresentation; you feel that you are reposing on a nature which God has made kind, and created for the benefit and happiness of society. It has the effect upon the mind which soft air and a fine climate have upon the body. 
A nice person is clear of little, trumpery parsione, delights in talent, shelters humility, /anions adversity, forgives deficiency. respects all men's rights, never stops the bottle, is never long and never wrong, always knows the day of the month, the name of everybody at table, and never gives pain to any human being. 
If anybody is wanted far a party, a nice person is the first thought of ; when the child is christened, when the daughter is infirried—all the joys of life are communicated to nice people ; the hand of the dying man hi always held out to a nice person. 
A nice person never knocks over wine or melted batter, does not tread upon the dog's foot, or molest the family cat, eats soup without noire, laughs in the right place, and has a watchful and attentive eye, 
TOPICAL ANALYSIS. 
GOOD BREEDING. 
AWKWARDNESS :—Its source, and its disadvantages, p. 3. 
Escaped by acquaintance with conventionalities, pp. 8-7. 
Recognized forms few, and easily acquired, p. 4. 
Specimens from Erasmus, and Swift, pp. 5-7. USAGES OF SOCIETY not unreasonable, pp. 7-9. 
Defect in manners is defect in fine perceptions, p. 8. GOOD MANNERS REQUISITE TO SUCCESS, p. 9. 
Never ostentatious, pp. 9, 10. 
Dependent on watchfulness, p. 10. 
The happy ways of doing things, p. 11. 
Selfishness of ill manners, p. 11. 
Sydney Smith's "Nice Person, " p. 11. 
SUGGESTIVE QUESTIONS. 
Do you approve the conduct of the young prelate on page 92?
Do you justify the remarks made in the anecdotes on pages 285, 268, 268'
Was the editor justified in rebuking the remark on the weather, as told on pp. 253, 254 ?
What do you think of the action of Mrs. Stephen A. Douglass upon the following occasion ? A constituent, unaccustomed to polite society, was dining at her house, and let fall a tea-cup of exquisite design and great value. As it shivered into pieces, he was greatly disturbed, but Mrs Douglass, taking up her own cup, remarked lightly, "It is curious how easily these cups break : see, I can crush it like an egg-shell, " and did so crush it. 
What do you think of the following remark of Emerson's ? "The basis of good manners is self. reliance (and rice versa). Necessity is the law of all who are not self-possessed. Those who are not self-possessed obtrude and pain us. Some men appear to feel that they belong to a Pariah caste. They fear to offend, they bend and apologize, and walk through life with a timid step. As we sometimes dream that we are in a welldressed company without any coat, so Godfrey acts ever as if he suffered from some mortifying circumstance. The hero should find himself at home, wherever he is ; should impart comfort by his own security and goodnature to all beholders. "
CHAPTER II. 
TABLE-TALK. 
No fair adversary would urge loose table-talk in controversy, and build serious inferences upon what was spoken in jest. --A. Trnaguar, quoted in Johnson's Dictionary. 
Readiness in Light Conversation. —In Dor4's illustrations of La Fontaine's Fables, the generalization of the fox who found the vines too high for him represents two seedy cavaliers jeering at the social enjoyment of a company from which they are excluded. The hit is happy, for no other discomfiture is oftener excused by the sneer, "Sour grapes. " Particularly common is it to affect contempt for readiness in that free and easy form of conversation, which from the place that most frequently affords it opportunity, is known as "Table-talk "—the primary object being rather social than intellectual, rather the promotion of pleasant feeling than a search for new truth. 
The awkward man reminds himself that a great tragedian, smiling at his insignificance in a social gathering, boasted that, "wanting in all things, he was not the less Corneille ; " that Rousseau, who in talking with Hume "kindled often a degree of heat which looked like inspiration, " was yet in general conversation "remarkably trite, never warmed by a word of fancy or eloquence ; " that Addison was as shy among strangers as he was delightful in his talk with a chosen companion, and used to say that though he could draw a check for a thousand pounds, he never carried a guinea in his pocket. 
But surely to walk the streets penniless when one has a thousand pounds in the bank shows deplorable lack of judgment. Such
14TABLE-TALK. [Plurr IL
a man may be congratulated upon his possession of resources, but not upon his use of them. Rich as he is, he may miss the greatest opportunity of his life because he has not an omnibus fare in his pocket, nor will his chagrin be the less that he might just as well have had with him a thousand omnibus fares. 
The parallel holds. Two richly gifted men, who would keenly have enjoyed a conversation, may ride together for hours in awkward silence, for want of the mutual recognition which a little small-talk would have developed. Not seldom are well-filled minds stagnant for want of an outlet. Many a man goes through life a. hermit because he has not learned how to begin a conversation. 
A well-known modern astronomer, attending a wedding, passed up to offer his congratulations, shook hands in a solemn sort of way, and uttered not a word. 
"Why didn't you say something to them ?" queried his wife, respectfully. 
"I don't know, " replied the absorbed professor ; "I didn't think I had any new facts to impart. "
Table-Talk an Art. —Failure in table-talk results oftenest from lack of appreciation that it is an art. Poems, orations, essays, even letters may be perfected by acquaintance with the principles of rhetoric, but surely anybody
can say what lie means : that is one mistake. Another is at the other extreme : that the agreeable talker is born, not made ; that conversation is a matter not of education but of instinct. 
The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean ; not to affect your reader, but to affect him precisely as you wish. This is commonly understood in the case of books or set orations ; even in making your will or writing an explicit letter, some difficulty is admitted by the world. But one thing you can never make the Philistine natures understand ; one thing, which yet lies on the surface, remains as unseizable to their wits as a high Sight of metaphysics—namely, that the business of life is mainly carried on by means of this difficult art of literature, and
CHAP. IL] TABLE-TALK AN ART. 15
according to a man's proficiency in that art shall be the freedom and the fulness of his intercourse with other men. Anybody, it is supposed, can say what he means ; and, in spite of their notorious experience to the contrary, so people continue to suppose. 
An orator makes a false step ; he employs some trivial, some absurd, some vulgar phrase ; in the turn of a sentence he insults, by a side wind, those whom he is laboring to charm ; in speaking to one sentiment he unconsciously raffles another in parenthesis ; and you are not surprised, for you know his task is delicate and filled with perils. "0 frivolous mind of man, light ignorance. " As if yourself, when you seek to explain some misunderstanding or excuse some apparent fault, speaking swiftly, and addressing a mind still recently incensed, were not harnessing for a more perilous adventure ; as if yourself required less tact and eloquence ; as if an angry friend or a suspicions lover were not more easy to offend than a meeting of indifferent politicians. Nay, and the orator treads in a beaten round ; the matters he discusses have been discussed a thousand times before ; language is ready-shaped to his purpose ; be speaks out of a cut and dry vocabulary. But you—may it not be that your defence reposes on some subtlety of feeling, not so much as touched upon in Shakspere, to express which, like a pioneer, you must venture forth into zones of thought still unsurveyed, and become yourself a literary innovator? For even in love there are unlovely humors ; ambiguous acts, unpardonable words may yet have sprung from a kind sentiment. If the injured one could read your heart, you may be sure that he would understand and pardon ; but, alas, the heart cannot be shown—it has to be demonstrated in words. Do you think it is a hard thing to write poetry ? Why that is to write poetry, and of a high, if not the highestorder. —CornhillMagazine. 
Direct Preparation . —It would surprise most people to know how often the brilliant talk at a dinner-party is the result of direct preparation. Mr. Jones, for instance, has acquired his reputation for impromptus through a habit of considering beforehand who will be present, what they will be likely to say, and what hits will prove felicitous. 'Even those who do not consciously anticipate a ape
16TABLE-TALK. [PART II. 
cial conversation by mental rehearsal, often elaborate their striking expressions, and store them away for future use. Suggestions of new analogies, happy illustrations, plausible paradoxes, occur to most of us. The conversational artist seizes them, turns them over and over in his mind till they are moulded into their happiest form, perhaps even experiments with them upon unimportant listeners, and finally employs them just at the right time to produce the maximum of effect. And why not ? Daniel Webster confessed that his noble figure of the British drum-beat following the setting sun around the world was conceived at Quebec, months before he had occasion to use it, and that the very words employed were selected after hours of experiment. 
But it is not alone in polishing the brilliants of conversation that art is required. If one's speech with strangers be easy and continuous, one at least escapes frequent embarrassment, though the thoughts be trivial. 
It may be added that facility in conversation with strangers is rarely acquired in mature life. One's social habits are usually fixed before thirty, and one's intercourse with his fellows will be free and natural, or restrained and difficult, very much according to the readiness in table-talk which he acquires in his early years. 
Seek Rather to Please than to Shine—Thecustomary phrase of society serves as an armor against embarrassment, and thus leaves one at liberty to give full play to intellect and to sympathy. It is questionable which of the two will be of more service. "He is a master of monologue, " said Madame de Stael of Coleridge, "but he does not know what dialogue is. " There was a spice of malice in the remark that rarely fails to accompany the impression that one is peremptorily compelled to bea us
CHAP. IL] SEEK NOT TO SHINE BUT TO PLEASE. Tr
tener. "Do not think I am sought after for my dramas, " said Racine to his son ; "Corneille composes nobler verses than mine, but no one notices him, and he pleases only
by the mouth of actors. I never allude to my works when with men of the world, but I amuse them about matters they like to hear. lify talent with them cons 8Z8not in making them feel that I have way, but in showing them that they have. "
The apprehension of society as an idea is one of the distinctions between gentility and the commonalty. The younger members of the working-classes have more intercourse with each other out of family life than their betters ; but they have not the idea of a social sphere instilled into their minds as it is upon those whose early observation is set to work—of a sphere where they are to be viewed on all sides and judged by a general opinion. The necessity for self-repression makes room for thought which those children miss who have no formalities to observe and no customs to respect—who blurt out every irrelevance, who interpose at will with question and opinion as it enters the brain. It is this unrestraint which lays the foundation of that self-centred view of life to be observed in the socially untrained. It is by listening, not by talking, that sympathy is acquired—that intellectually makes men companionable. This abandonment of old restraints of which we are jealous, may be one of the reasons why conversation as an art is going out. Children don't learn to talk by chattering to one another and saying what comes uppermost ; neither does reading suffice to this end single-handed. Good talk should first be recognized as such in others. Attention is the most influential tutor in the fitting use of the tongue. Where we see good talk disregarded by a party of young people, there, we may be sure, the chances of their ever shining socially are small indeed. Mere listening with intelligence involves an exercise of mental speech. Not, of course, that we would confine children to the act of attention ; but good
 Sydney Smith said of Macaulay Yes, I agree, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might have said before (though I never did so) that he talked rather too much ; but now Sc has ocoaitionaOlashee of silence that make his eonvesaffon perfectly delightful. "
18 TABLE-TALK. [PART IL
talk cannot be maintained under interruption, and observant silence opens the pores of the mind as impatient demands for explanation never do. —Blackt000d's Magazine. 
Choice of Subject. —This complaisance makes one careful to avoid subjects that might offend, and especially to refrain from questions it might be unpleasant to answer. "Don't talk of ropes to a man whose father has just been hung, " is an old proverb. Nor should one speak to an invalid of health, to a bankrupt of integrity, to an ignoramus of scholarship, to bereaved parents of children. Especially should one shrink from boasting of any possession from which the other is necessarily cut off. 
"I hope your dinner agreed with you ?" queried a host, solicitously. 
"That is a matter which liesentirely between my Maker and myself, " was the solemn reply. 
A person took the liberty to question Alexander Dumas rather closely concerning his genealogical tree. 
"You are a quadroon, M. Dumas ? " he began. 
"I am, sir. "
"And your father ?"
"Was a mulatto. "
"And your grandfather ? "
"A negro, " hastily answered the dramatist, whose patience was waning. 
"And may I ask what your great-grandfather was ? "
"An ape, sir, " thundered Dumas ; "my pedigree begins where yours terminates. "
Discretion In Personal Remarks. --As one setting out in a sail-boat glances ahead over the water to avoid in time any rocks or shoals before him, so one's first thought in beginning a conversation should be a review of what one knows of one's companion, with a view to escape blundering upon an untimely topic. And as one sails freely in
CHAP. IL] DISCRETION IN PERSONAL REMARKS. 19
the open sea, but slowly and cautiously as he approaches an unknown shore, so in talking with a stranger the skilful converser keeps among life's generalities, and bears himself warily as subjects are suggested that may have personal application. 
Punch delights to illustrate how hazardous in a mixed company are criticisms upon individuals. 
"Pray who is that awkward creature by the piano ? " asks a stranger of a chance companion. 
"That is my sister, " is the grim reply. 
"Oh, I don't mean the handsome woman to the left ! " cries the first speaker, hoping to retrieve himself, "but that red-haired Amazon to the right, whose dress makes up in boldness of color for Its scantiness of material. "
"That, sir, is my wife. "
It is a peculiarity of this sort of blundering that the victim, having taken a false step, is apt to flounder and mire himself the deeper. 
"Who is that distressingly homely woman in the corner? "asks one, and when he gets the reply, "She happens to be my mother, sir, " he exclaims in confusion, "I really beg your pardon ; it was so stupid of me ; the resemblance is very marked. "
Of a stranger at an art-exhibition a lady inquires :
"Pray, how did they come to admit such a picture as that ? " "I am sorry you don't like it, madam, for it is mine. " "Why, you don't mean to say you bought it ? "
"Oh, no ; I only painted it. "
"I beg ten thousand pardons ; but you mustn't mind me, I only repeat what everybody says. "
Now and then one has the tact gracefully to escape. 
"Do tell me who is that woman on the ottoman, that looks like a Chinese, " asks a lady of the gentleman withwhom she is promenading. 
"That is my wife, madam ; and pray might I inquire in what particulars she resembles a Chinese ? "
"Why, in the exquisite smallness of her feet. You must introduce me. "
20 TABLE-TALK. [PLIAT
Not long after his removal from the House of Commons to the House of Lords, Disraeli met a brother peer on the street, who asked him how he liked the change. 
"Like it ?" exclaimed Disraeli, forgetting himself for the moment and blundering out the truth, "I feel as if I were dead or buried alive. "
Then seeing the expression of discomfiture on the nobleman's face, he added hastily, with a courtly bow and an irresistible smile —" and in the land of the blessed. "
But such tact, however desirable, is rare, and it is the safest rule, when one has heedlessly injured the sensibilities of another to manifest no perception of it, but quietly and naturally to change the subject, taking especial pains to select one that shall gratify one's companion in some other direction, if it cannot repair the hurt he has suffered in this. 
It is true that ill-natured remarks like those just quoted are in themselves reprehensible. But even if one is scrupulous to speak no ill of one's neighbor, one will not always avoid giving offence. Though one go to the other extreme, and smear everything one encounters with indiscriminate eulogy, one will occasionally find that his words are as wormwood. The man of tact will therefore learn all he can of those with whom he is to converse ; will select those topics most likely to be of agreeable interest ; and when after all his pains he stumbles into a blunder, will be quick to discover it, and quick to withdraw from it. 
Developing the SubJect. —Not only the choice of a subject, but the manner of treatment should be determined by consideration for one's companion. If it prove familiar and interesting to him it should be continued even after one has tired of it, or should be so changed as to seem to be dismissed, not because it is exhausted, but because with such a companion there are so many other subjects one longs to discuss. Nothing is ruder than to yawn, to sewn abstracted, or abruptly to terminate a conversation still fascinating to one's companion. This not only wounds his self-love by showing him that he fails to talk
Cam. . II. ] HE TALKS BEST WHO LISTENS BEST. 21
interestingly, but discloses a lack of sympathy in thought which is fatal to intimacy. 
A tedious person is one a man would leap a steeple from, gallop down any steep hill to avoid him ; forsake his meat, sleep, nature itself with all her benefits, to shun him. A mere impertinent ; one that touched neither heaven nor earth in his discourse. He opened an entry into a fair room, but shut it again presently. I spake to him of garlic, he answered asparagus ; consulted him of marriage, he tells me of hanging, as if they went by one and the same destiny. —Bs JONSON. 
Bores and Hobbies. —Against the bore, or the man with a hobby, one must of course protect one's self ; though this is done most skilfully by avoiding the former and by steering the latter away from his morbidly developed ideas. But when a person will insist upon tiring one with his pet theory or grievance, it is better to say frankly: "Mr. --, you really must excuse me from discussing this subject further, " than to look exhausted, or to run away from him. In the former case one will seem to him to fail to appreciate the subject, in the latter to fail to appreciate the man himself. 
But the necessity for such pronounced measures is not common in small talk, where the object is rather to develop conversation in one's companion than to limit it or direct it. If he is a stranger, one will not be sorry to see him mount his hobby for the first time, and if he is an acquaintance, one can usually manage that the interview be brief. In this light conversation it is a general rule, at least to seem to follow the lead of one's companion, so far as he is willing to assume it. 
Importance of LIstening. —It is a fundamental principle that he seems to his companion to have talked best who has led his companion to talk most. In other words, he talks best who listens best. Nowhere is selfish
22 TABLE-TALK. [PART IL
ness more blind than when it monopolizes a conversation. Only small minds are more anxious to tell what they have learned than to learn something more. 
"Men of genius, " says Coleridge, "are rarely much annoyed in the company of vulgar people, because they have a power of looking at such people, as objects of amusement, of another race altogether. "
"When I hear a young man call Aristotle a fool, and Sophocles a knave, " said a college president, "it does not materially affect my opinion of Aristotle and Sophocles, but it gives me a gauge by which to measure the young man. "
. During the late Vienna Exposition an amiable Hungarian merchant happened to meet in a railway carriage a gentleman with whom he proceeded to hold conversation. 
"I am going to Vienna, " said the merchant, "to see my daugh
ter, who is well married there. My son-in-law deals in paper and
fancy leather work, and has a good trade. He is very prosperous. " "I, too, " said the good-natured stranger, "am going to see my
daughter and son-in-law. "
" Ah, is your son-in-law well off?"
"Pretty well ; but as he has to carry on his work all alone, it is rather tiresome. "
"Is your daughter rich ?"
"Not as rich as she would like to be. "
"She likes to spend a good deal on her toilet ?"
" No ; but she would like to be able to give a good deal in charity. "
"She is a good woman, " said the merchant, heartily ; "it's to be hoped your son-in-law's business will improve. Good-by, sir. Come to see us, and bring yoUr daughter ; we shall be happy to make her acquaintance. "
The train arrived at the station, and the traveller, whose son-inlaw's business was only pretty good, was immediately surrounded by grand personages in uniform. After having politely saluted the amazed merchant, he stepped into the carriage of the Emperor of Austria. The good father-in-law of the dealer in paper and fancy leather goods had been travelling with the Prince Max, of Bavaria, father of the Empress Elizabeth. 
Calor. II. ] IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING. 23
The Wise always Ready to Learn. —Thereare three degrees of intelligence. Lowest is that of the rustic, to whom everything is a marvel. Then comes the blag man, who has been everywhere, seen everything, read everything, and would be untrue to himself if he manifested in anything more than languid interest. This is a not uncommon conception of "Boston culture. " Finally, there is the broad mind, familiar with the master-pieces of nature, and art, and thought, but finding an ever-renewed interest in studying the effect of either knowledge or ignorance of these master-pieces upon the minds of those about him. Such men are always ready to listen, and one's mental distance from them may be measured by one's tendency to assume that nothing is to be learned from a chance companion, especially if such companion has had less educational or social advantages. 
"The young man called John" would seem to most persons an unendurable infliction at the autocrat's breakfast-table, but autocrat and professor take him seriously as a factor in life, deal with him firmly but kindly, and end by heartily liking him. 
Interruptions. —Thereare people who never allow another to conclude a sentence. So eager are they to obtrude their knowledge and opinions, and to hear their own voices, that they keep up interruptions so continuous that their companion withdraws altogether, leaving them to evolve out of their imaginations the facts he was willing to impart. 
A newspaper sketch thus caricatures an ill-bred family :
The other evening the Rev. Mr. Marcus sat down at the tea-table with a thoughtful air, and attended to the wants of his children in an abstracted manner. Presently he looked up at his wife, and said :
"The Apostle Paul —”
24 TABLE-TALE Mew IL
"Got an awful lump on the head this afternoon, " broke in the pastor's eldest son, "playing base-ball. Bat flew out of the striker's hands when I was umpire, and hit me right above the ear. "
The clergyman gravely paused for the interruption and then resumed :
"The Apostle Paul —"
"Saw Mrs. Simmons down at Hovey's this afternoon, " said the eldest daughter, addressing her mother. "She had the same black silk made over, with a vest of green silk, coat-tail barque, overskirt made with diagonal folds in front, edged with deep fringe ; yellow straw hat with black velvet facing inside the brim, and pale blue flowers. She's going to Chicago. "
The good minister waited patiently, and then in tones just a shade louder than before, began :
"The Apostle Paul —"
"Went in swimming last night with Henry and Ben, papa, and stepped on a clam-shell, " exclaimed the youngest son ; "cut my foot so I can't wear a shoe, and, please, can't I stay at home tomorrow ? "
The pastor informed his son that he might stay away from the river, and then resumed his topic. He said :
"The Apostle Paul says —"
"My teacher is an awful liar, " shouted the second son ; "he says the world is as round as an orange, and it turns round all the time faster than a circus-man can ride. I guess he don't have much sense. "
The mother lifted a warning finger toward the boy and said, " ! "and the father resumed :
"The Apostle Paul says —"
"Don't bite off so much, " broke out the eldest son, reproving the assault of his little brother upon a piece of cake. 
The pastor's face showed just a trifle of annoyance as he said, in very firm, decided tones, 
"The Apostle Paul says —"
"There's a fly in the butter, " shrieked the youngest hopeful of the family, and a general laugh followed. When silence was restored the eldest daughter said with an air of curiosity :
"Well, but, pa, I really would like to know what the Apostle Paul said. "
Cur. IL] DO NOT SEEK TO BE BRILLIANT. 25
"Pass me the mustard, " said the pastor, absently ; and the meal was finished without further allusion to the great apostle. 
Listening Received as a Compliment. —No flattery is more insinuating, no proof of good sense more convincing, than intelligent listening. It is said that a deaf and dumb man, properly instructed, was introduced to Mme. de Stael and was left with her for an hour. Ile made show of listening, smiled, turned his head to reflect, was convinced, became enthusiastic, and started again and again to express his admiration, only to be once more overwhelmed in the delighted woman's torrent of ideas. At the end of the interview she declared him the most brilliant converser she had ever met. 
The woman of tact puts the bashful young man at his ease, not by saying brilliant things to him, but by showing interest in the stupid things he says to her till he gains confidence enough to say things better worth hearing. She knows that he will estimate the evening not by what he has heard, but by what he has said, and if she has the skill to reclothe or touch up his thoughts so as to give them striking expression, while they shall still seem to be his, she may indeed evoke less conscious admiration for her conversational talent than if she had showered him with epigrams, because he will be unaware that his unusual brilliancy is due to anything else than his own unsuspected talents ; but she will win, as she deserves to win, his far more valuable admiration of her as a charming woman. When he is older, and has learned the secret that then escaped him, he will look back upon the evening with an admiration for her skill the greater because he at first failed to recognize it, and the more cordial because it was so unobtrusive. 
Desire to be Brilliant. —Perhaps the greatest obstacle to success in table-talk is the longing to be brilliant. 
As Adolphus sips his morning glass at the Hathom Spring he catches the eye of Mrs. Smith, whom he met at the hop the night before. He says "Good morning, " and then he is at a loss. He
20 TABLE-TALK. [PART IL
knows how long she has been there, how long she means to stay, and how she likes it, for he asked her these three questions as soon as he was introduced. He does not feel like remarking that it is warm, that Saratoga begins to seem crowded, and that the races open that afternoon, because he thinks those she has met must already have exhausted these topics. What he would like to do would be to make some learned allusion to Hippocrene or smile other famous spring, with a compliment to the lady ; but he is not quite sure how Hippocrene is pronounced, or whether it was a spring, and he cannot think of any compliment. So after a moment's awkwardness he bows and passes, leaving Mrs. Smith to wonder why young men that can dance so well are so stupid at everything else. 
Now, Adolphus should have remembered that conversation is like a game of whist, in which one's own hand gives no indication of what one's partner holds. The player is hopeless who throws down his cards because he lias not five tramps and three aces. Weak as it looks, his hand may be just what is needed to supplement the commanding strength of his partner. It is his duty to play his sevens and eights for all they are worth as zealously as if they were headsequences. 
So if Adolphus cannot think of a brilliant thing to say, he should throw out a commonplace, and trust to his partner. The main thing is to get started. Perhaps Mrs. Smith is brimming over with bright things, and will enjoy the conversation the more because Adolphus has so little to say that he is glad to listen. At the worst, it is unlikely that a dozen remarks can pass, however trite, without suggesting something of interest. With a stranger one must grope for a subject somewhat blindly, but unless one has the courage to grope, tho subject will never come to the surface. 
Frank Cood Nature. —Nothing is more fatal to table-talk than a sort of stilted dignity. 
Some men speak as if a leather stock kept their chins elevated like those of a militiaregiment on dress-parade. They reply to a playful question with a gravity befitting a geometrical demonstration, they articulate with painful distinctness, and they continually address you as "Sir, " or "Madam, " with a formality that
CHAP. II. ] THE LICENSES OF TABLE-TALE 27
shows less regard for your dignity than determination that you shall not forget theirs. 'Unless this ice can be thawed, talk is impossible. To such a person no communication should be made of less import than that England has declared war, that a new motor has been discovered, or that dinner is ready. 
Exaggeration of Preferences. —Table-talk is to conversation what caricature is to painting. In so brief a discussion of topics distinctive features must be exaggerated. 
Questions of taste are perhaps most fertile, and to make divergencies marked enough for comment, it is customary somewhat to exaggerate their expression. It is not that one should "dote on" or detest" what one finds merely unobjectionable or disagreeable, but rather that one is led for the sake of discussion to take sides upon matters which he has hitherto regarded as indifferent. Listening to masters of table-talk who are really rather conventional in their views one might suppose them pronounced radicals upon the merest trifles. This is not deception, any more than it is deception in a caricature to exaggerate the nose or chin that gives a statesman's face individual expression ; in fact, as one recognizes a face more readily from a caricature than from a portrait, so this table-talk often reveals unwittingly more of the inner man than is shown in serious conversation. A chance confession, hastily dropped to complete an antithesis, may uncover to a keen eye what in deliberate discourse would have remained concealed. 
Moreover, this exaggerating the outlines of one's personal preferences often leads to convictions. Sometimes, no doubt, harm is done by espousing a belief through whimsicality and then adhering to it through obstinacy. But in the sparkle of table-talk the candid mind often happens upon important considerations that have hitherto escaped it, and, following a line of thought suggested by a playful fancy, arrives at convictions of positive value. 
Playful Llberties. —As one may speak with frolicsome exaggeration of one's preferences, so one may take playful liberties with the dignity of one's companions. 
2S TABLE-TALK. MA= IL
Light conversation is dull without something of the "contagion of hardihood" that Disraeli describes. 
But nothing is more difficult to hedge about with rules. Jose phine is a strong, vigorous girl, with more muscles than nerves, and more appetite than sensibility. The severer a joke the more keenly she enjoys it, and not the less if it is aimed at herself. She cannot understand why Cardin should be hurt at a hearty laugh over a blunder committed or a weakness manifested ; and so without an unkind thought she is continually rasping Carolin's finer feelings, and wondering why the silly creature cannot take a joke. 
Never Twit onFacts. —One should never rally another on a real weakness, however freely acknowledged. Constitutionally large eaters should be able to endure almost any kind of a joke, and especially a gleeful reference to their appetites ; yet it often happens that a person so rallied, though too proud to show it, and therefore quick to join in the laugh that follows, is really annoyed, and loses much of his pleasure at meals because of his sensitiveness to the imputation of greediness. Everyone has his pet foible which may not be rudely jostled ; and one should know a companion well before one ventures to poke at him any fun which has a basis in fact. 
A certain confidence is shown by bantering a person upon an assumed fault which the fact that we banter him upon it shows we are sure he is free from. A more unfortunate blunder, except that it was so stupid as to be ridiculous, could hardly be imagined than that of the clerk in a New Haven shoe-store who, when a lady who had dragged for half a block before she perceived them a pair of light shoes accidentally attached to her crinoline, returned to the store to remove them and to laugh over the queer accident, replied gravely, "I saw you take them away, madam, but I did not like to speak of it. "
CHAP. IL] TILE LICENSES OP TABLE-TALK. 29
Banter. —Thereis in personal banter an element of sauciness as hazardous as it is delightful. Just what it is safe to say, and just when and where to say it, only native tact and quick perception can determine. It is here more than anywhere else that the artist shows above the artisan. No rules will avail, except the general rule, that the person who has usually blundered should hereafter leave badinage to more skilful bands. 
Irreverence and Indelicacy. —A similar rule applies to anything bordering upon the irreverent and the indelicate. In such allusions there is an element of daring which gives a sensation of keen enjoyment to those who feel secure, but corresponding uneasiness to those uncertain of the issue. The difficulty is complicated among strangers, because ideals of the reverent and delicate vary so widely, that being commonplace to one which to another is shocking. But no caution is better worth heeding than to keep well within the danger-line. 
A man advertised for a coachman, and received three applicants. Of each he asked :
"Suppose we were riding on top of a bluff, how near could you drive to the edge of the precipice, and there should be no danger?"
"Sir, " replied the first, "I could drive within an inch of the edge, and there should be no danger. "
"And I, " said the second, "could drive within a hair's breadth, and there should be no danger. "
"As for me, " said the third, "I should keep as far away from the edge as I could ; " and the third was engaged. 
Prudery. —It by no means follows that one should be prudish. To speak of one's leg as a limb, or to shrink from mentioning articles of apparel when there is occasion, reveals either a lewd mind or a habit of mingling with those adhering to traditions of impropriety suggested by lewd minds. 
80 TABLE-TALIC. [PART IL
Ignoring Discourtesy. —The skilful converser ignores discourtesy in speech. If his companion is rude he does not revenge himself by severe retort, however apt, as he would thereby lower himself to the other's level, and encourage a wrangle. If his companion inclines to irrev
erence or indelicacy he turns the subject into other channels, careful not to show approval, but equally careful not to pronounce judgment of reproach for what may have been a fault of early training or the accident of the moment. his companion will recognize that he has blundered, but be will not be compelled to show that he recognizes it, and thus a conversation that would otherwise have been cut unpleasantly short may be diverted into less; ob
jectionable channels. 
Perhaps no general rule is so nearly without exception, as that one should never permit one's self to repeat a vulgar story. Even that peculiar appropriateness of circumstances which, except for its coarseness, would make it precisely the fitting thing—a rare temptation to story-tellers—will not atone for its introduction. When a man clears his throat and hesitates and says he does not usually indulge in that sort of anecdote, some good friend should jog his elbow and warn him to pause. We have heard worthy men yield to this temptation, but never without being apprehensive for them when they began, and sorry for them when they finished. Wit, hilarity, promotion of the good fellowship prevailing, all prompt the man who knowsa story just apropos to tell it. But not for all these considerations should he yield that essential element of a gentleman—a cleanly tongue. 
While one should never tell such stories, there are times when he must listen to them. With those of one's own age and position it is often possible simply and quietly to decline to listen ; but with those whom it would be unbecoming thus to reprove one must simply show lack of interest. A lady of tact used to discourage scandal by looking stupid when it was talked to her. Such refuse is not poured profusely into an unwilling ear. Harpies fly in flocks. 
TOPICAL ANALYSIS. 
VALUE OF READINESS in conversation, pp. 1, 14. 
EASY CONVERSATION AN ART, pp. 14-16. 
Often even direct preparation required; pp. 15, 16. Conversational artists; succeed because they try, p. 16. 
FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, not to shine, but to please, pp. 16-18. Attention to others the tutor of the tongue, p. 17. 
CHOICE OF SUBJECT with reference to one's companion, p. 18. Rude questions rebuked, p. 18. 
Discretion in personal remarks, pp. 18-20. False steps lead to floundering, p. 19. Escape by rare tact, pp. 19, 20. 
Usually wise to betray no recognition, p. 20. DEVELOPMENT OF SUBJECT determined by consideration for others, p. 20. 
Not to be abruptly discontinued, p. 20. 
Protection against bores and hobbies, p. 21. 
IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING, pp. 21-25. Blindness of monopolizing a conversation, p. 22. 
The wise always ready to learn, p. 23. Rudeness of interruptions, pp. 23-25. 
Listening received as a compliment, p. 25. DESIRE TO BE BRILLIANT, pp. 25, 26. 
Whatever cards you hold, give your partner a chance, p. 26. FRANK GOOD NATURE, p. 26. 
EXAGGERATION OF PREFERENCES, p. 27. PLAYFUL LIBERTIES, pp. 27-29. 
The contagion of hardihood, p. 28. 
Never twit on facts, p. 28. 
Confidence shown by absurd accusations, p. 28. Banter, p. 28. 
Irreverence and indelicacy, p. 29. 
Safest to keep away from the edge, p. 29. But prudery to be avoided, p. 29. 
IGNORING DISCOURTESY, p. 30. 
How to treat vulgar stories, p. 30. 
SUGGESTIVE QUESTIONS
What should the astronomer have said ? (page 14). What do you think of the speakers in the incidents mentioned on page 18? How should Adolphus (page 25) have begun the conversation ?
What do you think of this remark of Emerson's "'us not a compliment but a disparagement to consult a man only on horns, or on steam, or on theatres, or on eating, or on books, and, whenever he appears, considerately to turn the conversation to the bantling he is known to fondle. 
CHAPTER III. 
GOSSIP. 
The proper study of mankind is man. —Popz. 
Interest in Our Neighbors. —No subject is more fertile than the doings and characters of our neighbors. Few objects of observation are so varying, so personally interesting. Daily circumstances keep revealing new features, and dim or deepen impressions already formed. A pleasant nod, a rude reply, a becoming gown, a boisterous laugh', ill-temper toward a child, attention to the aged—trifles like these are constantly noted and accumulated to make up our final estimate of the individual. It is not that we pry into secrets. No one is more to be pitied than one so empty of mind that one's curiosity must be fed by impertinent watchfulness and inquiry about one's neighbors; but without disposition of this kind we cannot fail to keep learning of those about us from what they tell us of themselves, and from what thrusts itself upon our observation. 
That we should consider these indications, compare them, and gradually form convictions as to our neighbors' characters is inevitable. If we do so charitably, unbiassed by envy or prejudice or whim, we are wiser and happier for it. That we should compare and discuss these impressions of a new neighbor with tried and trusted friends— still charitably, without envy, seeking simply to know our neighbor as he is—is natural and desirable. A rule that
emu>. In] TO WHOM, AND HOW, WHIM, AND WHERE. SS
forbade us to discuss those about us, or to discriminate in discussing them, would be severe and unwise. 
The Scandal-Monger. —But on no subject does it more become us to
—Beware
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak, and how, and when, and where. 
For no character is more detestable than his who delights to speak evil of his neighbors in any of the degrees of gossip, babbler, scandal-monger. There are people who covet no higher triumph than to be the first to tell of somebody's misfortune or crime. Like flies that fasten only upon putrid meat, they remember nothing of the virtues of their neighbors, but let slip no single item from the catalogue of their vices. To judge from their reports of their companions, one would think they had never associated with a human being worthy of respect. 
It iswithin the power of every young man to make and keep a resolution never to utter a word directly or indirectly uncomplimentary to anyone. If such young persons should be offered a fortune dependent upon success in this, how earnestly would they guard every utterance. And yet no fortune would be of such real benefit to any youth as a heart pure and free from all carping and censure. —HzavEY. 
Owing to a strange delusion, very few are really aware of their own habit of indulgence in this vice, though they readily remark it in others. Indeed, the worst offenders would be amazed should they learn the truth. If one has any doubt about it let him set down thrice a day in a blank-book, as nearly as one can recall it, every word which one has said of anybody which one would not repeat to his face or have said of one's self. If one occasionally reviews the volume one will, in all probability, be induced to reform the habit. —Artof Conversation. 
Truth Often a Libel. —Detractors often excuse themselves by asserting that they disseminate only facts. 
34 GOSSIP. [PARTIt
Even if this were true it would not excuse them. It is a maxim of English law that the greater the truth the greater is the libel. 
To tell what is strictly true to the injury of another is frequently as criminal as to tell what is false to his injury. It may be the same both as to the motive that actuated it and the results which eventually follow. It is oftener worse than better in every respect. If one circulates what is wholly false the chances are that the slander will soon be detected and the person vilified emerge from the cloud with brighter honors than ever ; whereas if we tell of a real misdeed of another he may never have the boldness to deny it, so that it will go on circulating and gaining belief all his days, and perhaps long after he is dead. It will exert a secret yet blighting influence on his reputation and move on before him like some unseen hand, closing in his face every door to usefulness. No matter that he has repented of his transgression, and has radically reformed ; no matter that he is now entitled to the highest admiration of mankind, some detractor has whispered a word that can never be recalled—a word which, most likely, represented him to be what he is not now, if not worse than he ever was. Yet everybody boldly and industriously circulates the report because, as he says, it is true. —HzavEy. 
ExposureSometimes Necessary. —Exposureof wrong-doing is sometimes an imperative duty. The good of the State, of the community, at least of individuals, may be imperilled by a mask of hypocrisy which only we can or have courage to remove. But we should be sure that our motive for interfering is really the welfare of others, and not the gratification of our own envy or fondness for gossip. We have no occasion to interfere with the good name of another unless we are convinced that he is making use of it to accomplish some evil purpose. 
A point of special difficulty arises when a person whose guilty secrets we know, and we alone, is injuring us before the public by repeating tales to our injury which an un
CHAP. /II. ] LIBEL SELDOM TRUTH. 35
covering by us of his real character would deprive of harmfulness. Under these circumstances it is sometimes necessary to speak, and to speak severely. But as a general rule, time and character are the surest vindicators. The very fact that we are aggrieved prejudices the public against our story, and often makes it wiser for us to suffer in silence. 
The greatest and most numerous wrongs are those which the strong commit against the weak in circumstances where none but the parties are witnesses to the offence, and in cases in which, from the imperfections of human law, redress is not to be obtained. The wise suppress such grief in their own hearts, considering that society takes no pleasure in hearing individual grievances. Though it is extremely difficult to hush injured justice, as she laments bitterly within us, we can seldom speak in our own defence except at the cost of dignity, or probity, or candor. The aggressor who does not trouble others with arguments in his own defence is better received in society than the aggrieved who oppresses them with the story of his wrongs, by repeating which he is sure to stiffer additional wrong from their reviews of the case ; he becomes like a column which, having once begun to settle upon its treacherous pedestal, is pressed still lower by bringing down upon its capital a mass it did not before support. We had better bear in silence the wrongs we suffer than by our groanings wake up a crowd of surmisers who will, in all likelihood, take sides against us. 
When, however, it becomes our duty, as it sometimes does, to declare what is discreditable to another, we must strictly limit ourselves to the fact, carefully keeping clear of all comments, inferences, and opinions. The witness may not assume the task of the advocate or of the judge. —FLEavEr. 
Libel Seldom Truth. —But libel is seldom truth. "The originator only suspects Mr. Such-aone has done the deed, or hopes he did it not ; the second person believes it, or thinks it would be in keeping with his known
86 GOSSIP. MART II. 
character to do it ; a third has no doubt about it ; a fourth offers to make oath that he is worse than at first suspected. Thus does it go on increasing both in enormity and credibility. Behold how great a matter a little fire kindleth : ' "
Two honest tradesmen meeting in the Strand, One took the other briskly by the hand ; "Hark ye, " said be, " an odd story this, 
About the crows I "—"I don't know what it is, " Replied his friend. —" No! I'm surprised at that ; Where I come from it is the common chat;
But you shall beer: an odd affair indeed! And that it happened they are all agreed. Not to detain you from thing so strange, 
A gentleman, that lives not far from 'Change, This week, in short, as all the alley knows. Taking puke, has thrown up three black crows. " "Impossible I "—" Nay, but it's really true, 
I had it from good hands, and so may you. "
"From whose, I pray ? " Bo having named the man, Straight to inquire his curious comrade ran. 
"Si; did you tell"—relating the affair
" Yes, sir, I did ; and if it's worth your care, Ask Hr. Such-a-one, he told it me. 
But, by the by, 'twas two black crows, not three. " Resolved to trace so wondrous an event, 
Whip to the third the virtuoso went. 
"Sir"—and so forth—" Why. yes ; the thing's a fact, Though, in regard to number not exact ;
It was not two black crows, %was only one ; The truth of that you may depend upon, The gentleman himself told me the case. "
"Where may I find him ? "—" Why, in such place. " Away he goes, and, having found him out
" Sir, be so good asto resolve a doubt, " Then, to his last informant, he referred, 
And begged to know if true what he had heard. 
" Did you, air, throw up a block crow ? " "Not I 1 " "Bless me I how people propagate a lie
Black crows have been thrown up, three, two, and one, 
And here I find at last all comes to none Did you say nothing of a crow at all ? "
"Crow—crow—perhaps I might, now I recall The matter over. " "And pray, sir, what want?" "Why. I was horrid sick, and, at the last, 
I did throw up, and told my neighbor so, Something that was as black, sir, as a crow. "
CRAP. HI ] MEAN SELF-INGRATLATION. 37
Calumny May Start from Raillery. —" Calumny many times originates in raillery and extravaganza. Loosetongued people say the worst things of the best men for the sake of raising a laugh at the incongruity ; else they invent strange stories concerning some distinguished person, and tell them to the unsuspecting in order to amuse themselves with their credulity. These experiments often turn out more serious results than were at first anticipated. These sayings are believed and spread till they are generally received as true, or till the gay babblers who started them are convicted of libel. As a madman who casteth -firebrands, arrows, and death, so is the man that deceiveth his neighbor, and saith, 'Am not I in sport ? ' "
Another type of woman frequently encountered in society is the plausible, specious, but selfishly insincere one, designated by those who know her best as a thorough humbug. Although not intending to be directly untruthful, she is very far from being accurate, and it is even doubtful if she endeavors to bend her steps in that direction. Strangers consider her delightful until they have known her long enough to discover that she is dangerous, and that the pleasant things she says to them she has an unpleasant habit of unsaying of them. 
Thus, wishing to ingratiate herself, she would say :
"How very handsome your daughter looks to-night ; how beautifully she is dreamed ; and more in the same strain ; while of the same young lady she would remark, "I cannot say that I admire Him D. , and how over-dressed she is ; with her mother's small income, it is absurd the money spent on that girl's dress ; she actually wore velvet the other night much too heavy for her, " and so on ; or she would perhaps say to some other member of the family :
I hear you are not going to stay with your brother and his wife in Scotland this autumn ; I thought you went every year:" to which her friend, not having been invited, would reply briefly, "we usually do stay with them in September, but they have not asked us this year. "
"I should think you found it rather dull there, " would be the sympathetic rejoind r. 
"Anyone so bright and clever as you are must feel the want of congenial companionship ;
some people, I know, consider your sister-in-law rather heavy to get along with. "
"She is very quiet and reserved, especially with people whom she does not know very
well. " might be the reply. 
"So I have beard ; but then your brother is so very genial and agreeable that if she
38 GOSSIP. [PART IL
is not a very good hostess it isnot of much consequence, although I should have thought your being with them would have been of the greatest advantage to her. My husband thinks you make such a perfect hostess that I contest I feel quite jealous sometimes. "
Whether the husband has or has not expressed himself to this extent is of little moment to his imaginative partner, who merely makes use of him as an auxiliary to strengthen her position. The humbugging process usually has some end in view, and a lengthened visit at the house of the perfect hostess is, perhaps, on this occasion, the one aimed at ; and as incense rarely fails of producing a certain pleasing effect upon a woman when offered by a man, even though offered indirectly, the lady receiving it would be very likely to say with a pleased little laugh :
"It is very good of him to say so, but I am afraid he has not had much opportunity of forming a favorable judgment of my powers in that capacity; but perhaps when we are settled at home again I may be able to persuade you both to pay us a little visit. "
"I am sure we shall nst require any persuasion to do a thing that would give us so much pleasure, " the lady would retort ; "it is too kind of you to think of US. My husband was only saying the other day how much he should like to see the improvementsyces have made at your place; we say you, because, as he pays, you have such admirable taste. "
After a pleasant visit has been paid, and all teossible hospitality and kindness have been received at the hands of her friend, this type of her class, true to her nature, cannot resist when the occasion presents itself playing the mime game for perhaps a similar parpogo with the before-mentioned sister-in-law of her friend, and enacting some such part, and currying on some such dialogue as the following :
"What a pity it is your sister-in-law does not care to stay with you at your beautiful place in Scotland. I can't understand how she can possibly find it dull there. "
"Did she tell you she found It with us?" would be the abrupt query. "She always
appeared to be very pleased to come to us. "
"I understood her to say that nothing could beEO dull as it was. She gave me the impression that she thought you did not pay her sufficient attention when she was up in Scotland with you ; in fact, that you did nothing to amuse her, but I dare say she did not mean it. She is a little jeslons probably of your influence over her brother ; she cannot help seeing how he naturally defers to you in everything. "
" I cannot forgive her calling it dull with us. " remarks the aggrieved sister-in-law; "she has been so much with us since her marriage ; but I certainly shall not ask her so often in future, if that is her opinion. "
"Oh. I should not take any notice of this sort of thing if I were you. People of her volatile temperament say a great deal more thanthey mean; in fact, many things which It is so much wiser not to remember ; " and by this ambiguous way of speaking she conveys the idea that far more remains to be told, but which is discreetly withheld. 
The lever on which this distorting principleiv worked by these ladies is not thedoarnright intention of maligning and misrepresenting a friend or acquaintance, but is the selfish desire of talking themselves into favor at another'a expense ; and displacing that other, and usurp:ng the vacant place by simulating an interest and strong liking, Is the easiestway of accomplishing this object. Thus they continue to humbug their friends and acquaintances, and establish many fends in many families, and create no little mischief one way and another, but are tolerated in a certain degree by some people who think It rather pleasant than not to be humbugged when thoroughly on their guard against the administrator of the dose ; and by other's because, rut' her afraid of what may be said of themselves, they think it wisest to stand well with the humbug ; while others, again, have yet to learn of what these wily ones are capable and the worth of their agreeable speeches—Society Small Talk. 
CIIAP. III. ] TELE POET ROGERS. 39
Acerbity of Tongue a Temptation. —Ill-nattired remarks are the sorest temptation young conversers encounter. Human nature is so weak, so common is the
disposition to feel better content with ourselves if others are brought down to our level, that the satirist and the scandal-monger are usually listened to. This attention they receive as complacently as though it were a compliment paid to their wit. But the real fact is that the listeners, though they are mean enough to like to have the bitter things said, are too timid to say them ; so, by their attention, they reward the backbiter as the monkey might reward the cat which burned its paws in pulling from the fire the chestnuts the monkey wanted but was afraid to reach for. 
"When I was young, " said Rogers, "I found that no one
 would listen to my civil speeches because Ihad a very small voice ; so I began to say ill-natured things, and then people began to attend me. "
"Is that the contents you are looking at ? " asked an anxious author, who saw Rogers's eye fixed on the early pages of a work just presented to him. " No, " replied the poet, pointing to the list of subscribers, "at the discontents. "
People used to naanceuvre to be the last to leave the room where he was, assured that unkind things would be said after each departure by those who remained. Success like this may better be dispensed with. People may listen, but they dread and despise ; they may cringe, but they long for reprisal. We can almost forgive the cruel retort of Richard Sharp, who, when Rogers in his old age, hovering upon the brink of the grave, repeated the couplet :
"The Robin with its furtive glance . 
Comes and looks at me askance, "
struck in, "If it had been a carrion-crow it would have looked you full in the face. "
40 GOSSIP. [PART IL
It was the opinion of Luther that Satan himself cannot bear contempt; it is certain that man cannot. No creature is more dreaded in society than a sneering, satirizing, disdainful one. If we cannot avoid feeling an inward contempt for another, we can at any rate avoid showing him any mark of it. The betrayal of such a feeling will offend without reforming him. We should never heed what we cannot help. —HRRvxr. 
I remember that in my childhood I was very religious. I rose in the night, was abstinent, and was punctual in the performance of my devotions. One night I was sitting in the presence of my father with the holy Koran in my embrace, not having closed my eyes during the whole time, though numbers around me were asleep. I said to my father, "Not one of these lifteth up his head to perform his genuflexions ; but they are all so feat asleep you would say they are dead. " He replied, "Life of your father, it were better that you also were asleep than to be searching out the faults of your neighbors. "—SAARL
Family Bickerings. —Especiallydeplorable is the habit of speaking ill of one's family or intimate friends. The world is severe in its judgment of those who expose the faults of kindred, no matter what the provocation may be. Rudeness can go no further than to indulge in family
bickering in the presence of strangers. 
Familiarity in Public. —Another criticism which I cannot help making is on the practice of using in general society unmeaning and ridiculous familiar nicknames or terms of endearment. A more offensive habit cannot be imagined, or one which more effectually tends to the disparagement of those who indulge in it. 
I find myself, after the departure of the ladies from the diningroom, sitting next to an agreeable and sensible man. I get into interesting conversation with him. We seek a corner in the drawing-room afterwards and continue it. His age and experience make him a treasure-house of information and practical wisdom. Yet, as talk trieth the man, infirmities begin to appear here and there, and my respect for my friend suffers diminution. By-and-by a decided weak point is detected; and further on, it becomes evident
CRAP. III. ] FAMILIARITY IN PUBLIC. 41
that in the building up of his mental and personal fabric there is somewhere a loose stratum which will not hold under pressure. 
At last the servants begin to make those visits to the room, usually occurring about ten o'clock, which begin with gazing about, and result in a rush at some recognized object, with a summons from the coachman below. I am just doubting whether I have not come to the end of my companion, when a shrill voice from the other side of the room calls out, "Sammy, love!"
All is out. He has a wife who does not know better, and ho has never taught her better. This is the secret. The skeleton in their cupboard is a child's rattle. A man may as well suck his thumb all his life as talk, or allow to be talked to him, such drivelling nonsense. It must detract from manliness of character, and from proper self-respect, and is totally inconsistent with the good taste, and consideration, even in the least things, for the feelings of others, which are always present in persons of good-breeding and Christian courtesy. 
Never let the world look through these chinks into the boudoir. Even thence, if there be real good sense present, all that is childish and ridiculous will be banished ; but at all events, keep it from the world. It is easyfor husband and wife, it is easy for brothers and sisters, to talk to one another as none else could talk, without a word of this mincedup English. One soft tone from lips on which dwells wisdom is worth all the " loveys" and " deareys" which become the unmeaning expletives of the vulgar. —DEAN ALFORD. 
Familiarity with Others. —The clerk of a hotel sued his employers for breach of contract, they having dis. L charged him before the period covered by the contract had expired. The evidence on the part of the defence showed that the clerk had indulged in familiarity toward guests who did nothing to invite it, and had thereby injured the business of his employers. It was admitted that the clerk was in the habit of addressing guests and others either by their Christian names or by their surnames only. The Massachusetts Supreme Court said:
42 GOSSIP. [Paler II_
To address a person by his Christian name, unless the parties have been intimately connected, socially and otherwise, is uncalledfor familiarity, and, therefore, insulting to the person so addressed. To address a party by his surname only, shows a want of respect, and would imply that the party so addressed was beneath the party addressing ; therefore it is discourteouq, and would be considered insulting. To speak of employers by their surnames only, shows a great want of respect on the part of the employe toward the employer. 
The Court further held :
While it may be customary for a person to address his junior clerks or under-servants by their Christian or surnames, to address others so shows a want of respect, and the party so addressed would naturally evade contact in the future with anyone who had previously so addressed him. 
Politeness, added the Court, costs nothing ; but the want of it cost the plaintiff the loss of his situation. The complaint was dismissed with costs. 
Influence of Language on Character. —Language exerts a reflex influence upon character. In discarding abusive expressions, one learns to cure the habit of thinking evil of others, and of gloating over their faults—for the " hypocrites " who play such a part in the oldfashioned dramas—the men who use language to conceal their thoughts—are less common than one might suppose, 
even in purpose, and rare indeed in accomplishment. 
All detractors do not begin with hating the person they lessen in the estimation of others. They wish, it may be, to warn their friends from leading the same life by pointing out its dangers, or to clear themselves of a charge by showing where the blame ought to lie ; but what begins with gold often ends with clay. It is an inclination of the human heart to hate those whom it has injured. . . . Solomon says, "A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it. " Even when anyone reports what is true, if he
Casa. ILL] SHARP TONGUES MAKE HARD HEARTS. 43
knows he has done it imprudently as to manner, or uncharitably as to motive, or, at any rate, to the unnecessary injury of another, he can hardly help regarding the injured person with unhappy feelings. Self-accusation follows every recollection of the person concerning whom he has so spoken, and he no longer finds pleasure in the company of one the very sight of whom brings to mind the wrong he has done him. -11Envicr. 
Dean Swift says : "They have never forgiven us the injury they did us. "
Acerbity Becomes Morbid. —The ability to say severe and cutting things, if cultivated into habit, becomesa disease, often leading even great men to strive rather that their remarks be caustic than that they be true. 
It must have been from what Mr. De Quincey happily calls the overmastering spirit of stating everything "in a spirit of amplification, with a view to the wonder only of the reader, " that he was induced to speak as he has spoken of numerous literary celebrities. " Hazlitt had read nothing ; " "Rousseau, like William Wordsworth, had read at the outside twelve volumes octavo in his whole lifetime ; " and Porson's "knowledge of English was so limited that his entire cargo might have been embarked on board a walnut-shell on the bosom of a slop-basin, and insured for three half-pence. " Edmund Burke "was the most double-minded person in the world, " and Lindley Murray, the American, is called "an imbecile stranger. " Dr. Johnson "had studied nothing, " and Boileau and Addison were "neither of them accomplished in scholarship. "—FiTZEDWARDHALL. 
Mark the coarseness into which Sydney Smith could degener
ate: "He is of the utilitarian school. That man is so hard you
might drive a broad-wheeled wagon over him and it would make
no impression ; if you were to bore holes in him with a gimlet I
am convinced saw-dust would come out of him. That school treat
mankind as if they were mere machines ; the feelings or affections
never enter into their calculations. If everything is to be sacri
ficed to utility, why do you bury your grandmother at all ? Why
don't you cut her into small pieces at once, and make portable soup
of her ? "
TOPICAL ANALYSIS. 
=BREST DT OUR NEIGHBORS, P. 32. THE SCANDAL-MONGER, P. 33. 
Truth often a libel, p. 33. 
Exposure sometimes necessary, p. 34. Libel seldom truth, P. 35. 
Exaggeration, P. 35. 
The three black crows, P. 36. 
Calumny from raillery, p. 37. 
Mean self-ingratiation. P. 37. 
ACERBITY OF TONGUE A TEMPTATION, P. 39. 
FAMILY BICKERINGS, p. 40. 
Endearing terms in public, P. 40. OFFENSIVE FAMILIARITY, p. 41. INFLUENCE OF LANGUAGE ON CHARACTER, p. 42. 
Sharp tongues make hard hearts, p. 43. 
SUGGESIIVI. QUESTIONS. 
Read pages 216-221. What differences occur to you between talking and printing gossip ? between listening to it and reading it ?
"it takes, " says Thoreau, "two to speak truth—One to speak and another to hear. " Do you agree with him, and why ?
What do you think of the following extract fromThe Century
"Of all the sources of bad manners, we know of none so prolific and pernicious as the license of familiarity. There is no one among our readers, we presume, who has not known a village or a neighborhood in which all the people called one another by their first or Christian names. The 'Jim, ' or 'Charley, ' or ' Mollie, ' or 'Fannie, ' of the young days of school-life, remain the same until they totter into the grave from old age. Now, there may be a certain amount of good-fellowship and homely friendliness in this kind of familiar address, but there is not a particle of politeness in it. It is all very well, within a family or a circle of relatives, but when it is carried outside, it is intolerable. Every gentleman has a right to the title, at least of 'Mister, ' and every lady to that of 'Miss' or 'Mistress. ' even when the Christian name is used. We have known remarkable men, living for years under the blight of their familiarly-nsed first natnes, --men whose fortunes would have been made, or greatly mended, by removing to some place where they could have been addressed with the courtesy due to their worth, and been rid forever of the cheapening process of familiarity. How can a man lift his head under the degradation of being called Sam' by every man, young and old. whom he may meet in the street ? How can a strong character be carried when the man who bears it must bow decently to the name of ' Billy. ' "
CHAPTER W. 
COMMENDATION AND REPROOF:
If I had another life to live, and two thousand letters to write again, with God's help I would not hurt the feelings of the humblest of all God's creatures houevtly trying to do good. Re might be as big as Daniel Lamhert, and I would not call him fat and unctuous: he might be as lean as Calvin Edson, and I would not Gall him a bag of bones. I would count each day lost on which I had not made some hearts gladder than they were in themorning, on which I had not plucked up some thorns or planted some flowers on the path of human life. —Di. Pants. 
Importanceof Appreciation. —Literatureis so full of warnings against the flatterer that one might sup. pose it the serious difficulty of life to keep free from vanity amid the showers of compliments sure to be encountered. But it may be doubted whether the greater danger is not the opposite—discouragement through failure to receive evidence of just appreciation. Formal, meaningless, or fulsome compliments will always be paid in number proportioned to one's ability to be of use to those who pay them. But discriminating approval from an authoritative source, "praise from Sir Hubert Stanley, " is bestowed less often than it is needed. 
Among the minor duties of life I hardly know any more important than that of not praising where praise is not due. Reputation is one of the prizes for which men contend ; it is, as Mr. Burke calls it, "the cheap defence and ornament of nations and the nurse of manly exertions ; " it produces more labor and more talent than twice the wealth of a country could ever rear up. It is the coin of genius, and it is the imperious duty of every man to bestow it with the most scrupulous justice and the wisest economy. —SYDNEY BnTa
46COMILDIDATION. [PANT IL
Nothing can be truer than this, yet is it not equally true that among the minor duties of life is that of praising where praising is due' Is it notes important that we should admire what is admirable as that we should despise what is worthless ?
The world is full of men, women, and children who are living unhappily and rusting in comparative inactivity, or doing but a tithe of the good they might do, for want of a little judicious praise. . . . To shy, sensitive natures, especially, praise is a vital necessity. They need to be encouraged and caressed as truly as others need to be lashed and spurred ; and sincere commendation is to them at once a tonic and a cordial, cheering them with a flush of pleasant feeling and bracing them for further good work. . . . We are confident that a large part of that conduct which so annoys us in our fellow-sinners, and which we resist in society and laugh out of it, as vanity and egotism, is the very opposite, being only an uneasy or frantic attempt to win from others an assurance of what one himself sorely doubts. . . . 
Praise and overpraise are two different things ; and while the latter, when it does not disgust, puffs up and corrupts its subjects, the former, when justly bestowed, incites to new and earnest effort. It is not honest commendation that inflates, but that which we bestow insincerely when we are angling for compliments and expect to be repaid with compound interest. —MATREWEL
Praise Should be JudIclous. —It has been shrewdly observed that we like best to be praised for that in us which is commonly unacknowledged. To compliment a beautiful woman upon her features, an author upon his books, a statesman upon his wisdom, may afford some gratification if done with tact and with sincerity ; but to detect and commend an excellence one has only dared to hope one possessed is to bestow a real delight. 
Beautiful women are readily convinced by a glance or by demeanor that their charms are appreciated. All of them, however, who have any claims to cniture will, when the first tribute is paid, be best pleased with appreciative compliments paid to their intelligence, accomplishments, "spirit, " kindness of heart, tastes, bah
CRAP. IV. ] HONEST PRAISE USUALLY POSSIBLE. 47
its, hopes, and associations. A very beautiful woman who believes that she has excited a deep admiration for some quality other than her beauty—especially if it be one for which the world gives her little credit—is always gratified. —Art of Conversation. 
It should be remembered that no woman ever fully foregoes her claims to personal attractiveness. 
"How charming Miss Pulchra is looking to-night, " remarks Mr. Juvenis to his hostess. 
"Yes, " replies the lady with a sigh, "and none can admire her more than those who like myself have no pretensions to beauty. "
"Au ! " replies Mr. Juvenis, sympathizingly, "but one so mentally gifted as yourself can well afford to dispense with charms of person. "
And then he wonders why he gets no more invitations to that house. 
After all said on the subject, it is certain that to an intelligent and cultivated mind there are few women of intelligence entirely devoid of personal attractions ; and almost every human being, though he or she may have even relinquished all claim to be beautiful, still clings to the very last to a faith in a certain " expression, " which, if properly appreciated, must raise the whole personality to admiration. And instances are not unfrequent in which women who were either beautiful, piquant, pleasing, or "sympathetic, " have heard so little of the language of admiration that the first report of a really genial compliment paid them thrilled through the heart like fire. This is sometimes the case when a sister has attracted all the admiration. 
There are again instances in which a lady may have a good enough opinion of herself and yet be quite incapable of appreciating the peculiar or real reason why she is admired. I could cite the instance of a lover of art who had a special admiration for the singular face of a statue in the Louvre, and who had the strange fortune to find it almost identically realized in the features of a young girl who was by no means accustomed to praise of her beauty. Very often peculiar associations like this will render certain countenances charming to us, which is the secret, by the way, why ignorant boys and girls, who are without such associations, are extremely critical and conventional in the judgment of per
48 COMMENDATION. (PART IL
eonal attractions, while men of wide experience and knowledge are far more generally appreciative and more easily pleased. In short, where we wish to compliment, the opportunity to do so with sincerity and credit to ourselves is seldom wanting where our tastes are cultivated. —Are of Conversation. 
It is said that William Cullen Bryant was very loath to condemn the first book of a young author. Entering the editorial room one day he found a critic gloating over the flatness of a volume of poems. 
"Surely there must be some good point about the book, " pleaded Mr. Bryant. 
"Not one, " protested the critic ; "the book is utterly stale, flat, and unprofitable. "
"At any rate, " said Mr. Bryant, handling the volume, "you might say that the binding is neat, and that the edges are evenly cut. "
Praise Should be Definite. —To a commencement speaker, as he passed down the aisle, one friend -said : "That was capital, capital ; you have made us all proud of you. " At the close of the exercises another said 'meditatively: "Tom, your oration was one of the three best, and I think one of the two best. "
Which comment is Tom likely to remember the longer? To speak in terms of general commendation often implies no more than good will. To specify and limit shows at
tention and discrimination. 
Those who intend really to praise another should not speak of him in the language of hyperbole. They run the hazard of inflaming the envy or the jealousy of their hearers, who are tempted to run him downas far below the merited mark as he was raised above it. It is more judicious to set some bounds to our admiration and mention some fault which may be justly imputed to him, so we shall set off his virtues to better advantage, by way of shading or of contrast, and hold out to others no temptation to attack his imperfections. HERVEY. 
CHAP. IV. ] ROW TO BESTOW PRAISE. 49
Few compliments bear more stamp of the genuine than the Latin verses that Addison has thus translated :
TO A CAPRICIOUS FRIEND. In all thyhumors, whether grave or mellow, 
Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow, 
Hest so much mirth and wit and spleen about thee, There is no living with thee nor without thee. 
Praise Should Come from Those Qualified to Bestow it. —" We cannot properly praise a work
in art, science, or literature, unless we possess a tolerable knowledge of the subject. A person who is not competent to judge of a work is permitted to say that a treatise, or sermon, or painting, or statue, pleases him, or tell how it strikes his mind ; but for him to declare, in a decisive tone, his opinion of such a work is to incur the contempt or the derision of adepts. Men of sense are not proud of laudations that do not come from equals or superiors. "
Do not go off into raptures at the first sight of a work of nature or of art unless you mean to show your enthusiasm rather than your taste. You had better keep silence till you have formed some opinion. While Sir Joshua Reynolds was at Rome studying the works of Raphael in the Vatican he observed that most strangers who came to see them began to praise them the moment their eyes fell upon them, whereas he was rather disappointed in them at first, and did not begin to appreciate them till he had made them the objects of protracted study. Minds of sensitive and poetic mould are at first sight awed when they contemplate natural seensty of great beauty, grandeur, or sublimity ; while persons of leas taste are talkative, and are apt to give the objects before them anything but their right names. —HERVEY. 
A young lady who was asked if she had seen Niagara replied that she never had ; but lest this should seem a reflection upon the cataract she hastened to add that she had heard it highly spoken of. 
60 COMMENDATION. MART II. 
Praise Should be Given Incidentally and Unobtruslvely. —To hurl an unexpected compliment often produces embarrassment. Persons unfamiliar with the world, or unskilled in conversation, often express and usually feel a dislike for public praise, because they find themselves unable to make adroit reply, and are consequently niore vexed to be embarrassed than gratified to be complimented. 
Few have the frank self-possession of the young woman who said in reply to an overwhelming compliment from a German officer, "Really, general, we American girls are so unused to compliments that we never have anything to reply ; we only giggle. "
A compliment is most grateful when it comes from one who seems unconscious that lie is bestowing it. An admiring glance, a disposition to linger near one, close attention when one is speaking, appeal to one's judgment and deference to one's decisions—all these silent manifestations of respect carry weight that words can hardly add to. 
The slightest turn of a reply may convey a delicate compliment, as where one, instead of congratulating a friend upon securing a position, expresses his pleasure that the position is to be so well filled. 
To one who was humbly grateful for an office bestowed, Louis XIV. replied : "Had I known a more deserving person I would not have selected him. " By omitting thenot in this reply Mathews (in The Great Conversers, page 25), spoils the story, making the monarch declarethat he knows no person more deserving. As spoken, the compliment only implied this, and was thus graceful instead of fulsome. Campbell tells the same story, but locates it in England. 
To the question, "Me you engaged for this dance ?" some foolish maidens reply that they do not think they are engaged, at the same time being thoroughly aware that they are not, and the young
CHAP. IV. ] WHERE TO BESTOW PRAISE. 51
men are also aware that the maidens are finessing and averse to making the direct admission that they are in want of partners. A young lady with tact and aplombescapes this dilemma by replying with great readiness to the question, "I am very glad to say that I am not, " which rejoinder is flattering to the young gentleman, giving him the impression that the young lady could have been engaged for this dance had she so pleased, but that she greatly preferred waiting for the chance of his asking her to dance. She may or may not have been actuated by this hope, but if by some expression of pleasure at not being engaged for the dance which is at the moment asked for she puts her partner on good terms with herself and himself it argues well for her success in the ballroom. —Society Small Talk. 
Attention to the Neglected. —Compliments are especially grateful to those accustomed to be somewhat neglected. The snob is never more offensive than when in company Ile hastens to show his intimacy with the leading persons present. The gentleman is never more to be envied than when, by choosing the society of those whom others have passed by, lie shows that lie has no apprehension of being, like a silk hat, distinguishable only by the
person to whom lie is attached. 
The root of all exclusiveness lies not only in pride, but in fear. It is a sign not only of selfishness, but of weakness and insecurity. 
—The Spectator. 
A word of kindness or acknowledgment, or a single glance of approbation, might have changed Esmond's opinion of the great man (the Duke of Marlborough); and instead of a satire, which his pen cannot help writing, who knows but that the humble historian might have taken the other side of panegyric ? We have but to change the point of view and the greatest action looks mean ; as we turn a perspective glass and a giant appears a pigmy. You may describe, but who can tell whether your sight is clear or not or your means of information accurate?
Had the great man said but a word of kindness to the small one (as he would have stepped out of his way to shake hands with Litz
52 COMMENDATION. [PART IL
arms in rags and sores, if he thought Lazarus could have been of any service to him), no doubt Esmond would have fought for him with pen and sword to the utmost of his might ; but my lord lion did not want master mouse at this moment, and so bfuscipulus went out and nibbled in opposition. -THACEICRA. Y. 
Praise Should be Honest. —"Flattery. is the worst sort of falsehood. Other lies are generally detected, and the liar exposed and punished ; but flattery is a kind of untruth which the person for whom it was intended does not desire to detect, and when others demonstrate to him its falsity he is slow to admit it, because he loves to believe it true. Other falsehoods may expose us to the loss of friends, fame, or wealth ; but this nourishes into a monstrous growth the original pride of the fallen soul, and involves us more and more in guilt and self-ignorance, and consequently in ignorance of others. "
How is it that whenever you are thrown into the company of an unusually polite—an over-polite—person, you almost immediately distrust him ? There comes to you, acting on the nervous part of you, of which you know so little, a sense of doubt. You are not averse to polite bearing and manners—nay, you like them ; you even find it pleasant to receive the compliments so readily and glibly offered to you ; to see the amiable smile ; to watch the bowing head ; and there is something in the sense of reverence and respect as expressed toward yourself very flattering to youramour
pro-pre. 
Yet in spite of it all you are not sure of your companion's honesty. You are inclined to suspect that there is something cynical behind that smile ; something hollow at the back of the compliment; something unreal in the look of regard. And you do not know in the least why you have this feeling, only you know you have it. At the same time you find it so agreeable to be madeso much of, to find your opinions suddenly of value in the eyes of your fellow, that you lull to rest the spirit of doubt which rises within you, and you resolve to believe your new friend an exceedingly polished and very delightful man. —Rome Journal. 
ClIAP. IV. ] METHODS Or BESTOWING PRAISE. 53
But there is no resentment more bitter than one feels on being convinced that what one had received as genuine admiration was but a skilful semblance, fabricated perhaps with a sneering contempt for the weakness that could be cajoled by it. 
To this danger the indiscriminate flatterer is constantly exposed. Each of a dozen acquaintances yields ear to his adulation and trusts him as an appreciative friend ; but when a few of the dozen get together and compare notes, theirchagrin at being deceived is transformed into resentment against the deceiver, the more bitter from recognition of their own blindness. 
The Safest Praise is Quotation. —No form of commendation is more unobjectionable than the repetition to a person of pleasant remarks others have made about him. . 
If I tell John that James says he shall never forget John's kindness to him in sickness, John is trebly gratified : first, that James is appreciative, which James may have been too bashful to say directly; second, that James has spoken well of him to others ; and finally, that I show my good will by repeating what James has said. As the busy-body creates dissensions by tattling unkind words, so he that will take pains to remember and to repeat the happy things his friends say of one another brings those about him into amity and good-feeling. 
Compliments the Happiest Avenue of Wit. —No other department of conversation affords such opportunities for tact and wit. However we may be struck by the brilliancy of a satirist's scathing speech, there is always behind our admiration a mingled dislike and dread. But he who puts pleasant things into happy words is indeed to be envied. We need not stint our admiration for a witty speech prompted by a kind heart. 
54 COMIIILWATION. [PAIL? IL
"Oh, Mr. Smith, " cried a pretty girl, pointing to some sweet peas, "those sweet peas will never come to perfection. "
"Permit me, then, " said the witty divine, taking her hand, "to conduct perfection to the sweet peas. "
To Cona, afflicted with goat, who apologized for mounting the stairs slowly on his return as victor from the battle of Beuef, Louis XIT. replied, "Do not hurry, cousin; no one so loaded with laurels could come more quickly. "
At this court even a protest was so uttered as to confirm the obnoxious judgment while it diverted it. Annoyed at the pertinacity of an officer, the king exclaimed : "Thai gentleman is the most troublesome officer in the whole army. " "Your majesty's enemies have often said so, " was the reply. 
"Will madam permit me to take her portrait in profile ? " asks a French painter of a patron who had the misfortune to be crosseyed ; "there is a shyness about one of her ladyship's eyes that is as difficult in art as it is fascinating in nature. "
Bantering Compliments. —Among those quick of wit and upeech compliments often pass into banter, a humorous exaggeration as far removed from flattery as from ill-nature. 
Thus in the ball-room a gentleman remarks :
"I envy that butterfly perched so daintily on your hair, close to that shell-like ear. What secrets would I not whisper were I so near. Happy butterfly ! "
The rejoinder might be made in the same spirit of fun :
"The butterfly is not so happy as you think ; I shut it up in a velvet case when I go home, for fear of losing it. Now, one could not shut you up, and you would not like it if one could. "
Or the retort might be, "Unlike you, my butterfly has no feeling, so it does not appreciate its happiness, which is, I believe, characteristic of butterflies ; youought to know something about it. "
Here the answer might be :
"You are kind enough to anticipate my future. I have not
found my wings as yet ; I am still in a chrysalis state. "
A lady desirous of having the last word might be tempted to say : "Then you are safer to hold, if not so pretty to keep ; so I think
CHAP. IV. ] HOW TO RECEIVE COMPLIMENTS. 55
on the whole you had better retain your chrysalis state for the present. "—Society Small Talk. 
Small talk like this is possible only when both persons have good sense and ready humor. No blunder could be more mortifying than to reply seriously to a compliment of this sort ; and it is a mistake to press such compliments upon those so matter-of-fact or so slow of wit as to be unable either to reply to them or to understand them. 
Receiving Compliments. —Except from an older or a trusted companion, the safest way to receive compliments, however genuine, is to turn them lightly, or to treat them as banter or good-natured exaggeration. 
A French writer recommends that when praised by another one seem to be inattentive, or in a reverie. This is as rude as it is absurd, and seems to say, "Go on with your compliments ; I enjoy them too much to interrupt you. "
Two gentlemen, occupying similar positions, were introduced to the same audience, in speeches equally laudatory. One began his remarks by expressing the wish that these commendations had beenreserved for the close of his discourse, when it might be better judged whether they were deserved—an introduction meant to be modest, but really implying that the speaker thought it quite possible they would prove to have been deserved. 
The other laughingly waved off the compliments with his hand, remarking that he used to have the chairman for a pupil, and though, on the whole, he was proud of him, he was sorry to see that the boy's early habit of exaggeration was not yet outgrown. "But of course you all know him well enough to make due allowance, " he continued, and then went on with his address, already secure of the good-will of his audience. 
REPROOF. 
Occasion Less Frequent than for Compliment. —The true friend finds reproof sometimes necessary, but he will assure himself that it is necessary, and he
56 REPROOF. [PART IL
will convey it with all the discretion and delicacy of which he is capable. 
Young people usually have to learn by experience that when their friends exhibit peculiarities the probability is that the peculiarities have reasons which, though perhaps concealed, are entirely adequate. It is in presumptuously meddling with other people's affairs that fools oftenest nish in where angels fear to tread. 
The late Professor Skoda, one of Vienna's greatest surgeons, had until a year or two before his death worn garments of a most unfashionable cut ; the trousers were baggy, and the coats most ingeniously ill fitting. His friends often joked with him about the matter, and Skoda bore their ridicule good-naturedly, without making any explanation. 
One day a friend observed that he was for a wonder clothed in well-fitting garments of the latest cut. "This is an unhoped-for pleasure, " he cried, "to see you for once properly dressed. " "Say no more;" said the surgeon gravely, "he who has made my clothing for all the years you have known me did not, it is true, give it a very fashionable shape. But he let me have it long before I achieved success ; and he never pressed me for money when he suspected that I was pressed for it myself. How would you do, my friend—leave such a man for one who cut clothing of a different shape ? " "But why, then, do you leave him now?" "He is dead, " replied Skoda. 
. Reproof May be DIsgulsed. —The emperor Adrian, seeing a chief officer whom he knew to be envious and malignant turn his back to desert him in battle, stopped him and said affably, "You are going wrong, I
perceive ; this is your way. " The officer turned his horse
as if it had been a simple mistake of his, and not a premeditated flight. 
Often reproof may be effectually conveyed by goods. – natured ridicule . or exaggerated imitation. "Are your
CHAP. IV. ] HOW TO CONVEY REPROOF. 57
apples no larger than that in this country ?" asked an Englishman, pointing to the pumpkins on a market-man's stand. "Apples, " replied the market-man, with great contempt ; "do you call them little things apples ? Them's huckleberries. "
It happened in a New Hampshire town that a young native after several years of knocking about returned to his home. There was a gathering round the stove in the village store that winter evening, and he was listened to with openmouthed wonder as he related his experiences. 
But there was one in the company who sat apart, smoked his pipe in silence, and gave no sign of either interest or astonishment. At last one of the party, nettled by his apathy, turned to him and said : "What's the matter with you? You don't seem to warm up a bit. " "No, " he replied, slowly, removing his pipe from his mouth, "I'm a liar myself. "—BostonCullivator. 
But where given directly it should be open and manly. "If I must suffer, " said the old philosopher, "I would rather it should be from the paw of a lion than from the hoof of an ass. "
Sometimes circumstances seem to warrant somewhat vigorous treatment. 
"What would you do if you were I and I were you ? " tenderly inquired a swell of a young woman whom he had insisted upon escorting home from church. "Well, " she replied, "if I were you I should throw away that vile cigarette, cut up my cane for firewood, wear wear my watch underneath my coat, and stay at home nights to pray for brains. " The walk was finished in silence, and it is presumed that for once in his life the young man thought hard. — Hackensack Republican. 
Reproof Should be PrIvate. —When Socrates reproved Plato at a feast, Plato replied that it had been better to tell him of his fault in private, for to mention it in public was an impropriety. Socrates answered : "And so it is for you publicly to condemn that impropriety. "
58 REPROOF. [Parr IL
Commendation Should Accompany Reproof. —It should be manifest that we disapprove not the man but this particular fault in the man, and the more because we find so much else in the man to like. Thus given, reproof becomes a compliment, for unless we felt a special interest in the offender we should not disturb ourselves to correct him. 
The second class of old people are not anecdotic ; they are rather hearers than talkers, listening to the young with an amused and critical attention. To have this sort of intercourse to perfection I think we must go to old ladies. Women are better hearers than men, to begin with ; they learn, I fear with anguish, to bear with the tedious and infantile vanity of the other sex ; and we will take more from a woman than even from the oldest man in the way of biting comment. 
Biting comment is the chief part, whether for profit or amusement, in this business. If the old lady that I have in my eye is a very caustic speaker, her tongue, after years of practice, is in absolute command, whether for silence or attack. If she chance to dislike you, you will be tempted to curse the malignity of age. But if you chance to please, even slightly, you will be listened to with a particular laughing grace of sympathy, and from time to time chastised, as if in play, with a parasol as heavy as a pole-axe. 
It requires a singular art, as well as the vantage ground of age, to deal these stunning corrections among the coxcombs of the young. The pill is disguised in sugar of wit ; it is administered as a compliment— if you had not pleased, you would not have been censured ; it is a personal affair—a hyphen—a trait d' union, between you and your censor ; age's philandering, for her pleasure and your good. 
Incontestably the young man feels very much of a fool ; but he must be a perfect Malvolio, sick with self-love, if he cannot take an open buffet and still smile. The correction of silence is what kills ; when you know you have transgressed, and your friend says nothing, and avoids your eye. If a man were made of gutta-percha his heart would quail at such a moment. 
But when the word is out, the worst is over ; and a fellow with
CHAP. IV. ] HOW TO CONVEY REPROOF. 59
any good humor at all may pass through a perfect hail of witty criticism, every bare place on his soul hit to the quick with a shrewd missile, and reappear, as if after a dive, tingling with a fine moral reaction—and ready, with a shrinking readiness, one-third loath, for a repetition of the discipline. —Cornhill Magazine. 
Faults Should be Mentioned One at a Time. —" We ought to beware of reminding another of too many faults at one time. There are few who can bear accusation upon accusation. It is wisest first to suggest amendment in one particular, and then wait to see whether the hint is heeded ; if not, we can hardly hope that farther admonition will be. "
Queen Caroline pressed Bishop Runkle to tell her of her faults. "If it so please your majesty, " said he, "I will tell you of one. It is to be lamented that you talk BO much with the king during divine service. " "Thank you, my lord bishop, " said the queen ; "now tell me another of my faults. " "That I will do with great pleasure, " said he, "when you have corrected the one I have just mentioned. "—HEBVEY. 
The Command of Friendly Solicitude. —Finally, reproof should be the command of friendly solicitude. As the offspring of vanity, of censoriousness, of brutality, of desire to trample on another's feelings and watch his writhings—it is detestable. "Many coarse and curt-tongued people who boast themselves honest, are base mongrels generated between the knave and the fool. "
it is astonishing how very many people there are who, seemingly unable to draw a line between deception and reticence, commonly associate insincerity with courtesy, bluntness with honesty, as though the attempt to make things pleasant must necessarily involve deceit, as if there were a certain incompatibility between truthfulness and consideration for the feelings of others. How often do we hear the remark, "Oh, is a %ery good fellow, but I don't quite trust him, he's too civil by half, " or "You must not mind -'s rough manner, it's only his honest, outspoken way ; he cannot help saying what be thinks. " And so, on the strength of a reputation for honesty, the plain, blunt man sneers at or ignores the polish which prevents unpleasant friction, and expects to be allowed to elbow his way through life, priding himself upon the abrupt utterance of unpleasant truths, disconcerting some people, irritating and vexing others, and, by way of
ire REPROOF. [Purr IL
immet-erg Ye me =itereesseev. srmitog irrebant compreictien apron his neighbor's fined Seee essseit f-A"?. 1"-=Y. OS. w tee nese'r f eaten-es up. . c hearts that are tender, gad, or serner`e_ Per'. I tre reg and sameccesee. are, perhaps. , the most prone toLI. Jd manes et
an osers-. . . . L. U=4 Rackgv i. . r and judging everything by
teee mrs tre me anerzer ma euiza. --ed cemempt for them who tidier from
teem. . h. = Sc tar teer a isesie , . . aeezeledieg seirh. . with a keen eye for leem
seem addefects. ace s --ree see ef ment„ being in any way desirable, it only
peseta a see ware-eur :2. me te. eroc bee/emeryof socml virtues, vu. : sympathy. Is every stecoseteeres an he isys pramerne. ‘y. Tour comfort and convenience are of no importance se me on are a prrom of so consequence whatever, -and naturally under 'dee treatment resereeeeme a aroceei teeedere. eanishes, and affection melts away. —Goefea Hows, 
Wats Mr. Exe. . mice's aired:al kidesand seek was over, and the entranced audience were reeectse-rey eceeer dwe theaisle. a venerable old trustee of the college, whose emutifu: white head Tai MS crown of gtoe7 for many years. whispered to me with a smile and ha:f a sigh: Tmee have ceanged ! It is just twenty years ago since we bad him here lam to at tress tee mme eterary amiery. Wben he had finished, the president, asVW the =mom. ca:ee-d eject the (eerieemun to conclude the service with prayer. Bev. Mr —, of W -LW State stepped into the pulpit which Mr. Emerson had just vacated and uttered a very remarkable prayer, of which I ea remember only one senter. ce exactly : We beseech thee. le Lord, to deliver us from ever hearing any more such traneeendent n mmr. se as we hare just listened to from this sacred desk. ' "Anti what del Mr. Emerson my ?" "Nothing—oh, yes: after i be benediction he asked of his next neighbor the name of the officiating dere:re-an. and, when falteringly answered, with gentle simplicity remarked : He seems a very conscientious, plainegmken mane and went on his peacefulway. "—Atiantic IfosaAly. 
The following anecdote of the founder of Methodism has, we believe, never been publehed. It reaches us from a trustworthy source, and it illustrates in a remarkable manner the mingled piety and tact of that eminent man. 
Although Wesley, like the Apostles. . found that his preaching did not greatly affect the mighty or the noble, still he numbered some families of good position among his followers. It was at the house of one of these that the incident here recorded took place. 
Wesley had been preaching, and a daughter of a neighboring gentleman, a girl remarkable for her beauty. had been profoundly impressed by his exhortations. After the sermon Wesley was invited to the gentleman's house to luncheon, and with himself one of his preachers was entertained, This preacher, like many of the clam at that time, was a man of plain manner. , and not conscious of the restraints of good society. The fair young Methodist sat beside him at the table, and he noticed that she wore a number of rings. 
During a pause in the meal the preacher took hold of the young lady's hand, and, raising it in the air, called Wesley's attention to the sparkling jewels. 
'What do yoe think of this, sir, " he mid, "for a Methodist's hand!"
The girl turned crimson. For Wesley, with his known and expressed aversion to finery, the question was a peculiarly awkward one. But the aged evangelist showed a tact which Chesterfield might have envied. He looked up with a quiet, benevolentMID; and simply said : " The hand is very beautiful. "
The girl had expected something very different from a reproof wrapped up in such a felicity of compliment. She had the good sense to my nothing ; but when, a few hours later, she again appeared inWesley's presence, the beautiful hand was stripped of every ornament except those which nature had given. —LondonSociety. 
TOPICAL ANALYSIS. 
COMMENDATION. 
IMPORTANCE OF APPRECIATION, p. 45. PRAISE should be judicious, p. 46. 
should be definite, p. 48. 
should come from those qualified to bestow it, p. 49. 
should be given unobtrusively, p. 50. should be given where most needed, p. 51. should be honest, p. 52. 
The safest praise is quotation, p. 53. COMPLIMENTS THE HAPPIEST AVENUE OF WIT, p. 53. Bantering compliments, p. 54. 
How to receive compliments, p. 55. 
REPROOF. 
Occasion less frequent, p. 55. 
May be disguised, p. 56. 
Should be open and manly, when direct, p. 57. Should be private, p. 57. 
Accompanied by commendations, p. 58. . Only occasional, p. 59. 
The command of friendly solicitude, p. 59. 
SUGGESTIVE QUESTIONS. 
What do you consider most important, and most likely to be useful, praise or reproof ?
Do you agree with Sydney Smith (page 128) that the dread of ridicule improves manners ?
What had Mr. Juvenis (page 47) better have said ?
How may young people (page 47) most quickly "unlearn contempt" ? Would Mr. Bryant's praise (page 481 have pleased the author ?
Do you justify Plato (page 57) ?
CHAPTER V. 
DISCUSSION. 
In reply to a question whether there had been any conversation at a party from which he had just come, Dr. Johnson replied : "No, sir ; we had gaitenough, but no conversation;there was nothingdiscussed. "
Advantages and Dangers. —Sydney Smith has thus epitomized the advantages and the dangers of argument in conversation :
"When two men meet together who love truth, and discuss any difficult point with good-nature and a respect for each other's understandings, it always imparts a high degree of steadiness and certainty to our knowledge ; or, what is of nearly equal value and certainly of greater difficulty, it convinces us of our ignorance. It is an exercise grossly abused by those who have recourse to it, and is very apt to degenerate into a habit of perpetual contradiction, which is the most tiresome and the most disgustingin all the catalogue of imbecilities. It is an exercise which timid men dread— from which irritable men ought to abstain ; but which, in my humble opinion, advances a man who is calm enough for it and strong enough for it, far beyond any other method of employing the mind. "
Let us examine these specifications in detail. 
Contradiction is Not Argument. —Axiomatic as this principle seems when stated, one seldom listens long to an arginnent without hearing it violated. It is always easier to assert than to prove, especially those opinions in which we have grown up, and which seem to us as fundamental facts as light, and air, and water. 
Says Augustine, "If you ask me what is time, I do not know; but I know quite well if you do not ask me. "
CHAP. V. ] CONTRADICTION NOT ARGUMENT. 63
It is as difficult to defend life salt is to define it. Unless a man knows what life is, we cannot define it to him ; unless he feels that it is good to live, we cannot refute him when he argues that it would have been better not to have been born. 
"Give your judgment, " said an old judge to a younger brother on the bench, "but don't giveyour reasons. The judgment may be right, but the reasons are pretty sure to be wrong. "
After all, however, in some subjects no language can accurately convey (to the inexperienced, at least), all the indications which influence the judgment of an acute and practised observer. And hence it has been justly and happily remarked that "he must be an indifferent physician who never takes any step for which he cannot assign a satisfactory reason. "—WHATELY. 
Besides, there is hardly any question so firmly settled that ingenuity will not devise an argument plausible enough to startle one if it come upon one unexpected. 
A criminal, convicted of the murder of his father and mother, and asked if he had anything to say for himself, merely begged that the judge would have mercy upon a poor orphan. 
An Iowa man, annoyed that a relative would concede no superiority in that State over New Hampshire, at last exclaimed, "At least you'll admit that Iowa is bigger. " "I don't know about that, " was the cautious reply ; "maybe it is a little further from end to end, all flattened out into a level ; but if you wiinkled it up into mountains six thousand feet high, I guess you wouldn't cover much more floor-space than the old Granite State. "
Archdeacon Denison was once closely pressed in an argument, but had evidently resolved to die hard. At length his antagonist, a virtuous engineer of the Smiles ideal, lost all patience at the irregular warfare of the archdeacon. "Look here, sir, " he exclaimed, despairingly, "do you acknowledge that two and two make four ? " "I am not prepared to make an admission of that importance, " replied the archdeacon, "till I have given the subject the maturest consideration. Sometimes it is supposed that they make twentytwo. "
Perhaps nothing could seem more hopeless than to argue that revenge was a factor of civilization, and yet it will probably be no
64 DISCUSSION. [PART II. 
slight task to refute the following plea from a resent number of the Pall Mall Gazelle:
"In savage society, that is, in any society where law has no force, from Texas to Greenland—revenge takes the place of faith, hope, charity, and justice. It is the virtue without which the social organization would cease to exist. Tribes and families could scarcely have survived if the members of either association had good-naturedly abstained from revenging themselves. Nothing could have prevented the scores of rival families and tribes from exterminating people who did not resent an injury. 
" Now, it is imprudent to make a duty which is universal too difficult of accomplishment. It would have been difficult always to hit upon and slay the man who was guilty of each particular offence to person or property. Harty custom, therefore, permitted revenge to be taken on any blood relations of the culprit within seven degrees. A man speared your grandmother because your uncle had devoured his nephew. Your duty was done if you tortured his ascend cousin to death over a slow fire. Honor and custom we e satisfied for the moment. 
"This does not seem a promising state of things, andyet it was full of the Needs of mUder manners. Families became interested in preventing even their poor relations from using axe or bow too hastily. There was no satisfaction in being speared because some long-lost uncle or cousin, with whom one was not on speaking terms, had indulged himself in a man-slaughter. Thus the members of families found it convenient to keep an eye on each other's movements, and to give up their culprits to be dealt with by a central authority. Gradually law came into existence, and revenge ceased to be the chief end of man. "
The fact is, few people appreciate the difficulty of defending an opinion against a skilful opponent ; and those who fail to detect a fallacy, or lose sight of their own main argument, have the annoyance of feeling that though they are right they cannot prove that they are. 
Sometimes the truth may be established by reducing a fallacious conclusion to a practical absurdity. 
"Father, " said a Freshman, home on his first vacation, "how many chickens are there on the table ? "
"Two, my son. "
"No, sir, there are three, and I can prove it. There is one, isn't there ? "
"Yes, my son. "
"And there (pointing to the other) is two, isn't there ? " "Yes, my son. "
"And one and two make three, don't they ?"
"Yes, my son ; what a great thing learning is, to be sure. Well, since there are three chickens there, I will hand this one to your
CRAP. V. DIFFICULTY OF DEFENDING AN OPINION. 65
mother, I will take this one myself, and you shall have the third for your logic. "
Especially humiliating are the defeats of those who, 
having listened to a single argument or read a single treatise on some subject hitherto uninvestigated by them, sup
pose that they have mastered the subject itself, and in proceeding to make converts happen upon somebody who knows not only this argument and its history, but a dozen that refute it. 
How such a disputant appears to a man of broad information is thus illustrated in Coleridge's " TableTalk : "
Mr. — is, I suppose, one of the rising young men of the day ; yet he went on talking the other evening and making remarks with great earnestness, some of which were palpably irreconcilable with each other. He told me that facts gave birth to and were the absolute ground of principles ; to which I said that unless he had a principle of selection he would not have taken notice of those facts on which he grounded his principle. You must have a lantern in your hand to give light, otherwise all the materials in the world are useless, for you could not find them, and if you could you could not arrange them. 
"But then, " said Mr. —, "that principle of selection came from facts. "
"To be sure, " I replied, "but there must have been again an antecedent light to see those antecedent facts. The relapse may be carried in imagination backwards forever, but go back as you may you cannot come to a man without a previous aim or principle. "
He then asked me what I had to say to "Bacon's Induction. " I told him I had a good deal to say, if need were ; but that it was perhaps enough for the occasion to remark that what he was very evidently taking for the Baconial Induction was mere Deductions very different thing. 
When practical demonstration is impracticable, and especially when one begins to feel his position really inse
66 DISCUSSION. [PART IL
cure, the temptation is strong to make up in loudness of tone what one lacks in clearness of thought, and to substi
tute contradiction for argument. Since this impulse is felt even by a man honestly defending his convictions, it is easy to conceive the fascination it has for the young man without convictions who is merely anxious to attract attention. 
"What did you think of my argument ?" asks Jones of a comrade. 
"It was sound—very sound ; in fact, it was nothing but sound. "
Here even Di. Johnson showed weakness. 
This grew in part out of his love for paradox, in which feature he bore a strong resemblance to the wits of Madame Geofffin's salon. To this source is to be attributed the strange lack of uniformity and consistency in his opinions, it being his custom to be in the opposition, to whichever side of the question be might be driven. At one time good and at another evil was predominant in the constitution of the world. Now he would deplore the nonobservance of Good Fridav, and now deny that there was any decline in the observance of religious festivals. He would sometimes contradict self-evident propositions, such as that the luxury of the country had increased with its riches, and that the practice of cardplaying was more general than formerly. He would meet a sound argument with a "What then, sir ?" or a "You do not, see your way through the question, sir, " or, "Sir, you talk the language of ignorance ;" and when he was compelled to give his assent, which he always did reluctantly, he would preface it with a "Why no, sir. "—HERVEY. 
The habit of contradicting, into which young men—and young men of ability in particular—are apt to fall, is a habit extremely injurious to the powers of the understanding. I would recommend to such young men an intellectual regimen of which I myself, at an earlier period of life, have felt the advantages : and that is, to assent to the first two propositions that they hear every day ; and not only to assent to them, but, if they can, to improve and embellish them, and to make the speaker a little more in love with his
CHAP. V. ] NOT VICTORY, BUT TRUTH. 
own opinion than he was before. When they have a little got over the bitterness of contradicting they may then gradually increase the number of assents, and so go on as their constitution will bear it, and I have little doubt that in time this will effect a complete and perfect cure. —Snirtgx Swum
The Strife Should be Not for Victory, but forTruth. —Among the advantages of discussion enumerated by Sydney Smith there is no mention of gratifying one's vanity by showing that one can confute a companion ; yet with many disputants that would seem the sole occasion for argument. No self-defeat could be more utter. Grant that such a one has nothing to learn, that wisdom will die with him, that the sole purpose of argument is to display
one's skill, and yet he fails of his end ; for the success in argument is attained not by confuting, but by convincing ; and a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. 
It costs a man less to admit that his heart is hard than that his brain is weak. Often one persists in error to escape confessing that he has been in error. Such a person may be led gently and circuitously to positions into which he could never be pushed, as has been illustrated so well in the fable of the north and the south winds. By a series of flank movements, skilfully continued, he may be induced to propose as original, and to urge upon his opponent the very view which that opponent has artfully implanted, knowing that the germ thus unconsciously received would develop intoa conviction against which in its completeness he would have revolted. This is art concealing art, a perfection impossible to the egotist, who is never content unless his agency is manifest. As he is the best executive who never meddles with what is already satisfactory, and who knows that he is governing best when he seems not to be governing at all, so he achieves the greatest victory in argument who seems never to care for victory, who is willing to seem to be informed by his opponent of the very principles it has taken him hours to instil into that opponent. 
It may be urged that this mode of argument is insidious ; that
88 DISCUSSION. MART IL
to seem to be convinced by another of what one is really convincing him involves an element of deception. But in itself the method is simply a concession to another's weakness, and to employ it is right or wrong according as our purpose is to impress the truth or to instil an error. That it is a frequent device of evil men merely shows that it is time good men were familiar with it. We are commanded to be wise as serpents, as well as harmless as doves. 
Besides, among fair-minded men this is much more likely to lead to truth than the " bow-wow " manner of Dr. Johnson, crushing down opposition and enforcing silence where one cannot carry conviction. One often starts out to convert another, and ends by being himself converted, because a fair discussion reveals new considerations. But if one is intent upon discomfiting and demolishing an opponent, one will seek rather to silence him than to hear him. 
"I am one who would gladly be refuted if I should say anything not true, and would gladly refute another should he say anything not true ; but would no less gladly be refuted than refute; for I deem it a greater advantage to be freed from the greatest of evils than to free another ; and nothing, I conceive, is so great an evil as a false opinion on matters of moral concernment. "—Socniaps (in the Gorgias of Plato). 
Swift has observed that "it is a short way to obtain the reputation of a wise and reasonable man, whenever anybody tells you his opinion, to agree with him. " But this is satire, and must be taken with a whole bag full of salt. The companion we value most is he who gives us new thoughts and suggestions, but so skilfully as never to wound our self-love. We enjoy most, not the argument in which our opponent yields without an effort, but that in which he strives manfully and ably, and finally barely yields, just as we were ourselves losing confidence in our own side. 
A story is told of a man thrown from his horse and obliged to lie for weeks at an inn where he could get no other reading than a lot of agricultural reports. For sheer lack of other occupation
Omer. V. ] SPECIAL SUGGESTIONS. 69
he studied agriculture as a science, not dreaming it would ever be of use to him. But a while after he wanted to marry the daughter of a wealthy farmer who was opposed to a city young man for a son-in-law. Bethinking himself of his agricultural information, he began to devote his visits to the father instead of the daughter, argued with him for hours on questions of which the farmer had far less general knowledge, and regularly pushed the farmer, point by point, to where defeat stared him in the face, and than unobtrusively suggested considerations which the farmer seized and won the victory with, while the young man won the daughter. 
Some special suggestions may be of service. 
Be Always Ready to Listen. —Reason teaches that the first step in sound argument is to ascertain how far one agrees with one's opponent, and at what point their convictions begin to diverge. 
There is something extremely fascinating in quickness, and most men are desirous of appearing quick. The great rule for becoming so is by not attempting to appear quicker than you really are ; by resolving to understand yourself and others, and to know what you mean and what they mean, before you speak or answer. Every man must submit to be slow before he is quick, and insignificant before he is important. The too early struggle against the pain of obscurity corrupts no small share of understandings. -SYDNEY Sstrm. 
Before the late civil war, when opinions were the most pronounced, a merchant in Boston was arguing as to some political measure. The discussion had continued for some time, and was growing warm, when his friend exclaimed :
"But you are too fast, Mr. —; you begin by assuming that slavery is wrong. " "Sir, " said the merchant, stepping nervously back, "I am willing to give money and time to educating the masses on this question, but you must take your chances with the crowd ; I have no time to spend on an individual fool Good morning. "
Concede All that is Unessential. —Nothing more distinguishes a great mind from a little one than
70 DISCUSSION. [PART IL
recognition of the essential, and concentration upon it. This is indicated in the very word magnanimity, greatmindedness, which yields to an opponent everything but the essential truth. 
For instance, your opponent should be free to use his own language and methods of reasoning. His mind will be occupied enough with the thought, and should be allowed to express itself according to habit. To divert it by verbal criticism would merely distract and confuse. 
"Now, my man, " said a lawyer to his witness, "tell us meetly what passed. " "Yes, sir. I said I would not have the pig. "
"And what was his answer ? -
" Be said he had been keeping it for me, and that he—"
"No, no, he could not have said that. He spoke in the first person. "
"No, sir, I was the first person who !poke. "
Don't bring in the third person ; repeat his exact words. "
"There was no third person, sir ; only him and me. "
" My good fellow, he did not say 'He had been keeping the pig. ' He said, I have been keeping the pig. '"
"I assure you, air, there was no mention made of yourself at all. We are on different stories. There was no third person there, and if anything had been said about your keeping a pig for me I should have heard it. "
Cross-ermni nal ion . —In this case, if the witness had been called for the prosecution, it might have been claimed that it was the lawyer's object to confuse him, and thereby render his testimony valueless. The following is an example of a sort of cross-questioning sometimes supposed to be as effective as it is unfair. 
You say you know Mr. Smith. "
"Yes, sir. "
" You swear you know him ? "
" Yes, sir. "
"You mean you are acquainted with him ? "
"Yes, sir, acquainted with him. "
"Oh, you don't know him ; you are merely acquainted with him. Remember that you are on oath. sir. Now, be careful. You don't mean to tell the court that you know all about Mr. Smith, everything that he ever did ? "
"No. I —"
'That'll do, sir. No, you do not. Very good. So you are not acquainted with all his acts ?"
"Of course —"
" Stop there. Are you, or are you not ?"
"No. "
"That is to say you are not so well acquainted with him as you thought you were?'
CRAP. V. ] LEGAL CROSS-EXAMINATION. 71
"Possibly not. "
"Just so. Now we begin to understand each other. If you don't know anything about Mr. Smith's acts when you are not with him, you can't swear that you know him, can you ?" "It you put it in that way—
"Come, air, don't seek to evade my question. I'll put it to you again. When you say you know Mr. Smith, you don't mean to say you know everything he dues?"
"No, sir, of course not. "
"Just so ; of course not Then you were not quite correct when you said you knew Mr. Smith ? "
"No, sir. "
" Ah, I thought so. That'll do, sir. You can stand down. "—Boston Transcript. 
Such questioning has made the witness-stand a terror to many worthy people, but its expediency may be questioned, even when its end is attained. For the case is tried before a judge or a jury quite ready to estimate the deserts of a client whose lawyer is obliged to rely upon such methods. 
Besides, not all witnesses are easily brow-beaten. A cool head and a quick wit will often hurl upon the lawyer's head the very confusion he has heaped up for the witness—the more easily because the witness, like all weaker parties, has the sympathy of the spectators. 
Even Daniel Webster occasionally met his match in such an encounter. In the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogen's will, which was tried in the Supreme Court, he appeared as counsel for the appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of the Rev. William Greenough, a tall, straight, queenly woman, with a keen black eye, a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, was called to the stand asa witness for the opposite side. 
At glance, Webster law that her testimony, if it contained anything of importance, would have great weight with the court and jury, and he resolved, if possible, to break her down. 
Notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she calmly continued her testimony, until Webster, becoming fearful of the result, made a supreme effort. He arose, apparently in great agitation, drew out his largo snuff-box, thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, carried the deep pinch to both nostrils, and drew it up with a gusto. Then extracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed to his feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a report that rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall, and asked :
"Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogen a neat woman ? -
"I cannot give full information as to that, sir. She had one very dirty trick. " "What was that, ma'am ?"
She took snuff. "
The roar of the courthouse was such that Mr. Webster sat down and neither rose nor spoke again tilt Mrs. Greenough had vacated her seat for another witness. 
In reporting the Gruitean trial a newspaper correspondent wrote :
"Judge Porter's system of cross-examination is the antagonistic one. His aim is to break a witness down, to catch him in a lie or
72DISCUSSION. PART n. 
a contradiction. This is the old method. It is more honored in the breach than in the observance. The subtlest modern lawyers, like Tilden, Evarts, Cushing, the late Lord Cockburn, and others, have won successes with the sympathetic method, which prove it by far the better, and which should relegate the antagonistic method to the limbo of the obsolete. 
"The Porter method puts the witness on his mettle, teaches him the processes of the lawyer, enables him to anticipate his purposes, makes his mind work like lightning, and breaks down the lawyer twice as often as it breaks down the witness. 
"By the sympathetic method, the witness is never doubted, denounced, or discouraged. He is seduced into pouring out his version in a great variety of editions. His idiosyncrasies and weaknesses are deferred to. A fatal fluency in him is excited by all the arts known to courtesy and acting. The examiner shows his every feeling, and the witness is delighted—until the summing up. He then finds, if he has not suspected it before, that he is likely to have issued about five versions of every fact, which differ enough to be easily made to seem conflicting ; and that such a photograph of his weaknesses has been taken as, under the light of logic and sarcasm, tells trenchantly against him with the jury and with the public. He forgets the lawyer and himself in his pleasure to talk and talk again. The lawyer never forgets him once, as the summing up shows. "
c. Stop When No Approach Is Making to Truth. —"Discoverers of truth, " says Cowper, "are generally sober, modest, and humble ; and if their discoveries are less valued by mankind than they deserve to be, can bear the disappointment with patience and equality of
temper. But hasty reasoners and confident asserters are generally wedded to an hypothesis, and, transported with
joy at their fancied acquisitions, are impatient under contradictions, and go wild at the thought of a refutation. "
1. Never Compel DiRcumion. —" To compels man to discuss with you who cannot play the game, and does not like it, " says Sydney Smith, "is as unfair as to compel a
CRAP. V. ] WHEN TO AVOID DISCUSSION. 73
person to play at chess with you under similar circumstances. " For this reason it is rude to continually compel expression of opinions by inquiry, or by appending a
"Don't you think so ? " to a statement of one's own views, since it forces one's companion either to assent to what he
may not believe, or to formulate and defend an opinion that is but vague, and that he is not interested enough in to dwell upon. 
2. Avoid Discumion with. Those Unfittedfor P. —When Hercules descended to the lower world he was confronted by the shade of Medusa. He was about to draw his sword, when Mercury reminded him that it was only a phantom. Ile returned his sword to his scabbard. Even Hercules had no strength to waste on a shadow. 
But when a detrimental opinion, though absurd and trivial in itself, is likely to gain currency from the earnestness and pretension of its advocates, it then becomes our duty to set it in a proper light. In silencing such persons we must proceed according to the lights and shades of circumstances. Solomon points out both the Scylla and the Charybdis, of which be would have us steer clear. On the one hand we have, "Answer a fool according to his folly lest he be wise in his own conceit ; " on the other, "Answer nota fool according to his folly lest thou be like unto him. " The first direction is applicable to eases where pride or vanity calls aloud for rebuke. If he is impudent or rude, we are to treat him with severity ; if positive, we must be equally positive, and not be tender of the feelings of one who is destitute of the sensibilities of the human kind. By a satirical imitation of his own language we are to show him to himself as a mirror ; by copying his air, tone, or mode of reasoning we are to make him ashamed for his corruption and shallowness. 
By the second direction we are to understand that it is not our duty to correct an immoral person in his own language, when it is profane or obscene, or to reply at all when his speech or behavior is of a description to render him undeserving of the intercourse of his species, or when a reply would be a self-degradation. —HEavEy. 
74 DISCUSSION. [P, taT
A day or two ago when a servant opened the side door of a house on Sibley Street, in response to a tramp's knock, her face looked so kind and benevolent that the hungry man bad no doubt that a good dinner awaited him. He had, however, laid out certain programme, and he therefore began :
"My dear woman, I haven't had anything to eat for two days, and I wanted to ask if you would spare me one of those icicles which has fallen from the eaves ?"
" Well, I dunno, " she slowly replied, as she looked out, "I suppose we might spare you one, if you are really suffering, but, of course, you won't take the largest and best ? "
He stepped down and selected an icicle about two feet long, and, in a hesitating manner, inquired :
"If you would only sprinkle a little pepper on this I would be forever grateful. "
"It's rather bold in you to ask it, but I suppose I can sprinkle on a little—a very little, " she replied, and she got the popper and dusted his " luncheon " very sparingly. 
He started to move away, but, seeming to recollect something, he turned and said:
' You seem so benevolent I'll ask you to sprinkle on a little salt as well. I like my icicles seasoned up pretty high. "
"
You are a bold man, sir, and it's plain you have the appetite of a glutton, but ru give you a bit of salt and then you must be gone, " she replied. 
When the icicle had been duly salted, the man expressed his thanks, but didn't move away. His game wasn't working to snit him. Some folks wouldn't haveatood there and seen him bite off the end of a big icicle, but the girl did. And, further, when he hesitated to go, she indignantly called out :
"I know what yon want. You now want me to warm the icicle in the oven for you and them put on some mustard, but I'll never, never do It!"
The man moved slowly out of the gate, and, as he threw his icicle at a passing dog, he gave utterance to his disgust in language punctuated entirely with alungshota. —Detroit we Prom. 
3. Avoid Di8cu8sion Too Weighty for the Occasion. —A thoughtful man, introduced at a party to a lady whose appearance pleased him, found that she was familiar with the kindergarten system of instruction, in which he was just becoming interested. An earnest discussion followed, so delightful to both that they were thoroughly engrossed in each other, and parted with the warmest expressions of good will. Soon after, seeing her again, Ile was about to readdress her, when a friend interposed and said, "Ml's. made me promise that I would keep you away from her this evening. She was so wrought up by your conversation the other night that she was ill for some days. She says your talk is too fascinating ; she cannot bear the mental strain. "
The gentleman was inclined to resent this excuse as
CHAP. V. ] WHEN TO AVOID DISCUSSION. 75
sarcastic, but his friend assured him the lady was entirely candid. She enjoyed talking with him ; in the exhilaration of the moment she could sustain her part ; but it was mental exertion too vigorous for her, and the reaction was painful. 
4. Do Hot Introduce a Known Hobby. —Ahobby is by definition unreasonable—that is, unsustainable by argument; hence, after it has been stated and has become famil
iar, it is wearisome. In general one should be wary of in
_
troducing and continuing the discussion of subjects that cir
cumstances make more interesting to him than to the rest of the company. The author's books, the actress's triumphs, the traveller's adventures, the veteran's battles, even a man's daily experience in his business or profession, all have their place in conversation, but only such place as the others cheerfully grant. 
Even when a hobby is attacked, you will not aid yourself or your cause by disputing over it. If you are boldly attacked reputable people will give you much more credit for gracefully evading a strife of opinions than for entering upon it. Lathes who have a true claim to the name invariably appreciate and admire such conduct in a man. Much more skill and sagacity may be shown in refusing to argue than in so doing ; the one who seeks to escape having the great advantage of being able to make his adversary appear determined to appear disagreeable and discourteous. —Art of Conversation. 
For the same reason one should avoid reference to the hobbies of others. 
You run a great hazard by raking the slightest allusion to their favorite theme ; they will, in all likelihood, hold your button an hoar for your pains. When two or more persons are known to hold opposite opinions on a subject, and are used to dispute con
cerning it, we do well not to refer to the vexed question in their
76 DISCUSSION. [PART II. 
hearing. To start that topic were as wanton a cruelty as it would be to set two pugnacious dogs by the ears. —HsavEr. 
d. Yield Cracefully when Convinced. —Whatelyremarks : "It may be added that it is a very fair ground for disparaging anyone's judgment if he maintains any doctrine or system avowedly for the sake of consistency. That must be always a bad reason. If the system, etc. , is right, you should pursue it because it is right, and not because you have pursued it hitherto ; if it is wrong, your having once committed a fault is a poor reason for persisting in it. He, therefore, who makes such an avowal may thenceforward be considered as having no voice in the question. Ills decision having been already given, once for all, with a resolution not to reconsider it or to be open to conviction from any fresh arguments, his redeemsrations of it are no more to be considered acts of judgment than new impressions from a stereotype plate are to be considered new editions. "
He that is never a fool, runs the proverb, is always a fooL Or, as Josh Billings puts it, "The wise man is not the one who never makes a mistake, but the one who never makes the same mistake twice. "
As a matter of fact, a certain dislike attaches to one who is never in the wrong, well illustrated in the following story
To the celebrated Mme. Geoffrin, who assembled at her house the first men of letters of her time, the Marquis of Saint Lambert introduced an estimable man of learning, known by excellent works he had written on political economy. 
For three months the poet's protege never failed to be present at the lady's receptions, but one day when he was about to enter, a servant stopped him at the door and said gravely :
"Madame cannot see you to-day. "
"How—is she gone out ? But I see M. Morrelet enter, and M. 
CHAP. V. ] DISADVANTAGE OF BEING ALWAYS RIGHT. 17
Thomas. Why, there is the Abbe Delille humming an air at the window. Ha, good day, M. l'Abbé. How is our dear lady today ? I'm sure she is at home. "
"Madame, sir, cannot see you. "
"But is she ill then ? Of course not, since I hear Diderot's loud laugh, and if Mme. Geoffrin were not in health—"
"Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons, but I have simply to say that madame cannot see you. "
The author bowed, and went to his patron. 
He could make nothing of his strange reception. Had he committed some blunder ? The author endeavored, but in vain, to show that he had been in the right in order to prove that Mme. Geoffrin was in the wrong. Saint Lambert listened to the end, and only interrupted the eloquent pleading with the words :
"You are in the right, my friend ; a thousand times in the right. "
When he had concluded, Saint Lambert took from the chimneypiece a letter, of which he broke the seal, and presented it to his protige, inviting him to read it. It was addressed to the marquis by Mine. Geoffrin, and contained the following lines :
"I close my doors, my dear marquis, on your learned M. B—; should I see him often I should be vexed to death ; and as it happens I am still a little attached to life—thanks to your friendship and that of the faithful few who resemble you. Your M. B— is, in short, intolerable—heis always in the right. "
These few words enlightened all at once the learned man ; and Saint Lambert took the opportunity to caution him against wearying his hearers by constantly and methodically dwelling upon facts, without advancing disputable opinions. Accordingly the polished economist adopted a new system for the barter of thought, and by advancing paradoxes and singular propositions was restored to the favor of Mme. Geoffrin ; in fact he became one of the most entertaining and delightful conversationists in that coterie from which he had been so harshly expelled. -HERVEY. 
e. Finally, and Above Ali, Keep Cood-Natured. —However worsted in argument, a man is never thoroughly vanquished till he loses his temper. 
DISCUSSION. [PART II
We wonder what is the source of the mixture of sympathy—not to say approbatfon —with which pepperiness, as distinguished from bad temper, is generally treated by the literary world. . . . We dislike bad temper, but admiringly encourage a fiery temper, if it be only a fiery temper, and unless it explodes at our own expense we rather like the man who owns it the better. The choleric character in comedy is always a favorite, and we should very much like to know why. 
No doubt part of the reason is that people always feel kindly to a character which in very marked and conspicuous aspects, at least, is within their power, and like a musical instrument will give out certain tones under their manipulation. It does not increase the respect for a man, but it does the feeling of fellowship with him, that he is sure to respond in a certain way to a certain stimulus, and that you possess the means of applying that stimulus at will Such a man is liked, partly as a natural phenomenon, on the display of which under given circumstances you can always rely. Just as men like to show off a fine echo in a particular spot, and will elicit it day after day to the admiration of their different guests, so they like to show off the flashes of temper with which a friend answers the application of the well-known irritant. The pleasure in it is almost like the professional pleasure with which a medical practitioner sees the blister rise when he has applied the plaster, or the chemist, when he has predicted the liquidation of a gas, displays the result of the pressure he has applied. In short, these irascible tempers verify their friends' predictions and also illustrate their power of playing upon character. —FareignMagazine. 
How unmanly it is thus to be played upon is well illustrated in Hamlet's rebuke of Guildenstern. 
Ham. —Will you play upon this pipe?
OitH. —Ify lord, I cannot. 
Ham. —I pmy you. 
Gull—Believe me, I cannot. 
Elam. —I do beseech you. 
Guil. —I know no touch of it, my lord. 
rIant. —'Tisas easy as lying ; govern these ventages with your fingers and thumb, give it breath with your mouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music. Look you, thew are the stem. 
Gag. —BM thew cannot I command to any utterance of harmony; I have not the skiii. 
Ham. —Why, look you, now, how unworthy a thing you make of me. You would play
CHAP. V. ] DANGER OF FIERY WORDS. 
upon me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck oat the heart of my mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass; and there is much music, excellent voice In this little organ ; yet cannot you make it speak. 13' blood, do you think that I am easier to be played on than a pipe?
But temper uncontrolled is more than weakness. 
Fiery words are the hot blast that inflames the fuel of our passionate nature, and formulated doctrine a hedge that confines the discursive wandering of the thoughts. In a personal altercation it is most often the stimulus men givethemselves by stinging words that impels them to violent acts, and in argumentative discussion we find the most convincing support to our conclusions in the internal echo of the dogmas we have ourselves pronounced. Hence, extreme circumspection in the use of vituperative language, and in the adoption of phrases implying particular opinions, is not less a prudential than a moral duty ; and it is equally important that we strengthm in ourselves kindly sympathies, generous impulses, noble aims, and lofty aspiration, by habitual freedom in their expression; and that we confirm ourselves in the great political, social, moral, and religious truths, to which calm investigation has led us, as final conclusions, by embodying them in forms of sound words. —MARSH. 
TOPICAL ANALYSIS. 
Advantages and dangers, p. 62. 
Contradiction not argument, pp. 62-67. Difficulty of proving our beliefs, p. 64. Strife for truth, not victory, p. 67. 
SPECIAL SUGGESTIONS. 
•	Be always ready to listen, p. 69. 
•	
•	Concede all that is unessential, p. 69. 
•	
Legal cross-examination, pp. 70, 71. 
e. Stop when no approach is making to truth, p. 72. 
•	Never compel discussion, p. 72. 
•	
•	Avoid discussion with those unfitted, p. 73. 
•	
80 TOPICAL ANALYSIS. [Paw IL
8. Avoid discussion too weighty for the occasion, p. 74. 4. Do not introduce a known hobby, p. 75. 
•	Yield gracefully when convinced, p. 76. 
•	
•	Wrong to be always right, p. 76. 
•	
•	Keep good-natured, pp. 77-79. 
•	
SUGGESTIVE QUESTIONS. 
Is the cobbler's rule (page 267) a correct one ?
Do you agree with the Foreign Magazine (page 78) that a fiery temper obtains sympathy, and are the reasons given for this sufficient ?
What portion of the chapter do the following lines illustrate ?
The Centipede was happy quite, 
Until the Toad, in fun, 
Said, "Pray which leg goes after which?" That worked her mind to such a pitch, She lay distracted in the ditch, 
Considering how to run.