Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes

:Homer: (Using the bed lifter) Bed goes up, bed goes down. Bed goes up, bed goes down. Bed goes up, bed goes down...
:(In Lisa's imagination, of Homer in heaven)
:Homer: (Using a cloud as a bed) Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up...
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:Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
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:Homer: Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it.
:Marge: No there isn't.
:Homer: Trust me. (starts eating bacon)
:Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.
:Homer: Meh.
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:Hans Moleman: Oh, dear. (bang) Now you've done it.
:(Moleman drives down a cliff and a house is fire.)
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:Homer: I keep hearing this irregular thumping noise.
:Gas Station Attendant: It's your heart, and I think it's on its last thump!
:Homer: Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission. (drives off.)
:Kid: Where's he going?
:Gas Station Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
:Kid: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
:Gas Station Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.
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:Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
:Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
:Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides! (notices that Homer has fallen asleep.) (To Smithers:) Bring him to me!
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:Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
:Homer: Whew...
:Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
:Homer: [gags]
:Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
:Homer: Whew...
:Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off!
:Homer: Aaargh!
:Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
:Homer: Whew...
:Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!
:Homer: Woo hoo!
:Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
:Homer: [stares blankly]
:Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible!
:[Mr. Smithers discover Homer is terrible]
:Homer: Terrible? [gasps, faints]
:Mr. Burns: Hmm?
:Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. [Homer's ghost flies out of his body]
:Mr. Burns: Oh dear, send a ham to his widow.
:Homer's ghost: Mmm... ham. [flies back into his body and wakes up]
:Smithers: No wait, he's alive!
:Mr. Burns: Oh good. Cancel the ham!
:Homer: D'oh!
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:[Marge, Patty and Selma are clipping discount coupons]
:Patty: Buy three tubes of Mister Blister, get one free.
:[The phone rings and Marge answers it]
:Marge: Hello. Yes? Oh my Lord! (hangs up) Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [rushes off]
:Selma: Oh my God!
:Patty: What?
:Selma: Five cents off wax paper!
:Patty: [slaps her cheek in amazement]
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:(While watching a glowing Homer behind an X-ray)
:Dr. Hibbert: Now Mrs. Simpson, what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected into your husband's bloodstream.
:Nurse: But doctor! I haven't injected the dye yet!
:Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!
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:Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
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:Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
:Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
:Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.
:Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo.
:Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open, and tinker with your ticker.
:Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
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:Dr. Hibbert: I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards of $30,000.
:Homer: Aaarrrggh! (collapses)
:Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
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:Marge: [to Homer] Don't you have a health plan at work?
:Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
:Marge: D'oh!
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:Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
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:Homer: [to Reverend Lovejoy] Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $40,000? [Reverend Lovejoy's eyes widen]
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:Homer: [to Rabbi Krustofsky] Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $40,000?
:Rabbi Krustofsky: Hmm?
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:Bart: Any luck, Dad?
:Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]
:Bart: What is that?
:Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.
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:Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
:Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
:Homer: Really? What's it like?
:Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]
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:Homer: [to Flanders] What are you in here for?
:Flanders: I'm having a kidney and a lung removed.
:Homer: Who are you donating them to?
:Flanders: First come, first served.
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:Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.
:Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
:Barney: What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
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:Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera.
:PA: Doctor Riviera, Doctor Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately!
:Dr. Nick: The coroner. I'm so sick of that guy!
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:Flanders: Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" volumes 1, 2, and 4.
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:Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an upside to it!
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:Dr. Nick is watching footage of heart surgery
:Surgeon: And so we make the incision in the coronary artery...
:Magentic static sweeps over footage of surgery
:Talk Show Host: And we are back with more of People who Look Like Things.
:Generic talk show music is heard as audience applauds guests, to include one with a head like an adding machine, one with a head like a palm tree, one with a head like a broom, one with a head like a jack o'lantern and one with a head like a coffee pot. Guests sit next to the objects they resemble.
:Dr. Nick: {talking to himself} Oh no, no! Someone taped over the end of this!
:Pumpkin Guest: All we ask is to be treated dignity and respect.
:Talk Show Host: And a new candle now and then?
:Pumpkin Guest: Yes, and a new..
:Pumpkin Guest: {enraged} NO!
:Audience bursts into laughter, Pumpkin guest sinks back into seat enraged.
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:Homer: And Lisa...
:Bart: (whispers into Homer's ear)
:Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...
:Bart: (whispers into Homer's ear)
:Homer: ...that you're adopted and I don't like you..... BART!
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:Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
:Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!
:Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved! One hand washes the other... Oh, that reminds me!
:He proceeds to wash his hands and apply pink rubber gloves.
:Dr Nick: These gloves came free with my toilet brush.
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:Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
:Barney: How long has it been?
:Moe: 6 seconds.
:Barney: Do we have to start over?
:Moe: Hell, no.
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:Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
:Customer: Give me some jerky.
:Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
:Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.
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:Nurse: Doctor, do you not know what to do?
:Dr. Nick: Come on Nick, think back to medical school.
:Flashback. A younger Nick is putting the moves on a college coed at a kegger
:Nick: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
:Return to present.
:Dr. Nick: I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? [removes his surgical mask] And where?
:Lisa: [from the amphitheater] Hey! The incision should be made below the blockage! Below!
:Dr. Nick: Thanks, little girl!
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:Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.
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:Lisa: All right, Dad!
:Bart: You rule intensive care!
es:Homer's Triple Bypass/Frases