Escape from Which Island?/Quotes

:(The Belchers are watching the news in the restaurant)
:Scott Baggs: So this storm front could change course and make landfall this weekend. We're in wait-and-see mode. Either way, don't get mad at me about it. Just doing my best.
:Tina: Aw, Scott Baggs seems really vulnerable right now. That's hot.
----
:(Mr. Fischoeder is at the restaurant to ask Bob something)
:Mr. Fischoeder: What are you doing this weekend, Bob? Nothing fun or interesting or cool, right?
:Bob: Uh, probably not. Why?
:Mr. Fischoeder: Well, I need a private chef. For private cooking. At a private location. And yes, you will need to sign this NDA.
:Gene: NDA? "No Ding-a-lings allowed?"
----
:Louise: Mr. Fischoeder, are you in the Illuminatti? You can tell us, we're on the wait-list.
----
:(Bob and Mr. Fischoeder are at the pier, and Bob is packing items on Mr. Fischoeder's boat)
:Mr. Fischoeder: (to Bob) Okay, come aboard! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, put this on. (gives Bob a blindfold)
:Bob: (drawling) Alll right. (wears the blindfold)
:Mr. Fischoeder: Okay, now come aboard.
:Bob: (disoriented) But I have a blindfold on. Uh, I can't see.
:Mr. Fischoeder: You should've thought of that before you put the blindfold on.
:Bob: Okay, I'll try-- (bumps into something) Ow! 
:Mr. Fischoeder: I don't know why you stepped there.
:Bob: (bumps into something again) Ow! 
:Mr. Fischoeder: You're bad at this.
----
:(Bob and Mr. Fischoeder reach land, and Bob is still blindfolded)
:Bob: (to Mr. Fischoeder) Can I take the blindfold off? I'd love to be able to see things again.
:Mr. Fischoeder: Eh, fine. 
:Bob: (takes off the blindfold and gets horrified) Oh, my God, we're on a cliff! (hugs the mountain wall) Mr. Fischoeder, what if I fell?
:Mr. Fischoeder: Well, that would've been embarrassing for me. I'd be the idiot whose chef fell off the cliff.
----
:(Bob and Mr. Fischoeder are at the "Sacred Circle," where only members of Mr. Fischoeder's club can be)
:August Scharffenheimer: Calvin, no chefs at the inner circle. They're supposed to stay at the tents!
:Mr. Fischoeder: Can I keep him? The liquor pitcher's all sweat--I don't want to hold it.
----
:Randolph Brackenbrown: (to Mr. Fischoeder) Why does your chef look so familiar? Was he working the omelet station at your last sex party?
:Bob: (confused and disturbed) What?
:Mr. Fischoeder: No, Bob's a burger man.
:Randolph Brackenbrown: (to Mr. Fischoeder) Well, those were good omelets. And a hell of a sex party. Just really well-organized.
----
:(Mr. Fischoeder eats Bob's dinner and returns back to his tent)
:Mr. Fischoeder: I just took a bunch of drugs, Bob. A bunch. All mixed together in a cast-iron cauldron that we heated over the fire. That's how people do drugs.
:Bob: That seems to make sense for what this is.
:Mr. Fischoeder: (grabs facepaint from his bag) Can you do my facepaint?
:Bob: Uhh, sure. Wha-what's this for?
:Mr. Fischoeder: (takes off his blazer) Tradition! Ritual! Make me look like Simon LeBon in "Hungry Like The Wolf."
:Bob: I'm just gonna do a stripe.
----
:(Linda, Tina, Gene, and Louise are at home for the night. Linda tries to call Bob since the weather is getting more intense)
:Linda: (to her kids) Still nothing from your father. How's he even supposed to grill burgers in a storm like this?
:Gene: When you don't listen to Scotty Baggs, you end up with soggy buns.
:Louise: He's on a camping trip with rich people. I assume there are butlers that hold umbrellas over all the buns.
:Gene: Speaking of buns, why are we not eating post-dinner, pre-bedtime snacks right now? (pretends to put food in his mouth) My hand keeps doing this, but there's nothing in it.
:Linda: I'll go get something.
:Tina: I'll go with you, so it's not just crackers. No offense?
:Linda: Whaat? We had carrots that one time.
----
:Gene: (to Linda) How much cleavage is too much cleavage?
:Linda: Your call.
:Gene: Oooh...
----
:(Bob sees boats leaving because of the worsening weather and finds Mr. Fischoeder)
:Bob: Mr. Fischoeder, people are leaving! Boats are leaving. They-- they took the llama, and they left!
:Mr. Fischoeder: (shaking Bob) Bob! Bob! You're saying too many words. (pretending his hands are a mouth) Close this part, (points at Bob's hips) shake that part.
----
:Bob: (to Mr. Fischoeder and his friends) You are all very stoned.
----
:(Bob, Mr. Fischoeder, and Randolph Brackenbrown are hiding in the bush from Hubert Hammerschmidt)
:Bob: There's no boats, Mr. Fischoeder. That's what I was trying to tell you. They're all gone or they're smashed.
:Mr. Fischoeder: What? Why didn't you tell me?
:Bob: I did! You were on drugs!
:Mr. Fischoeder: Don't blame the drugs!
:(Samuel Summerbottom enters the bush)
:Samuel Summerbottom: What boats are gone? Who left?
:Bob: A lot of people. The private chefs are all gone, I think. Other people. (looks at Mr. Fischoeder) They saw the storm and they left 'cause they're smart.
:Samuel Summerbottom: (to Mr. Fischoeder) Who's this guy?
:Mr. Fischoeder: He's sober.
:Samuel Summerbottom: Ohh...
----
:(Hubert chases Bob, Mr. Fischoeder, Randolph Brackenbrown, and Samuel Summerbottom)
:Mr. Fischoeder: You're not an animal, Hubert! You're an Episcopalian!
----
:(Linda is hosting a "mocktail party" for Tina, Gene, and Louise. Linda is pretending to be the first guest at the party Tina's hosting)
:Linda: (pretends to press a doorbell) Ding-dong.
:Tina: (pretends to open a door) Hello.
:Linda: Hii, honey! (leans in to pretend to kiss Tina's cheek) Mwah. I'm thirty minutes early. (leans in for another pretend-kiss) Mwah. (pretends to give Tina a bottle of wine) Here's a bottle of wine that someone gave me as a gift. (looks at Tina's outfit) Is that what you're gonna wear for tonight?
:Tina: (looks at her outfit) Um...
:Linda: Aren't you gonna put on music?
:Tina: Oh...
:Linda: Can I help out with snacks or anything?
:Tina: What...?
:Linda: Can I help out with snacks or anything? No? Okay, can I see what you have in the fridge? (pretends to look at a fridge) I haven't had dinner.
:Tina: (also pretends to look at a fridge) Wait...
:Linda: Also, I blocked your neighbor's driveway. He's cool, right?
:Tina: Oh, uh...
----
:(Linda and Louise pretend to be guests at a party waiting to go to the bathroom)
:Linda: (to Louise) Hii, I'm drunk. Will you hold up my hair while I puke?
----
:(Bob and Mr. Fischoeder continue to run away from Hubert)
:Bob: (panting) Okay, let's stop for a minute.
:(Bob and Mr. Fischoeder both stop running)
:Bob: (panting) I can't see where we're going, but I don't want to use the lamp because the bitey guy mmight see us.
:Mr. Fischoeder: The "bitey guy" has a name, Bob.
:Bob: Ugh.
:Mr. Fischoeder: God, I wish we had our guns. Not to kill him, just to shoot him a little bit.
:Bob: Yeah, why don't you have your guns? Uh, I thought that was part of your group dynamic.
:Mr. Fischoeder: No guns on the island. Our insurance covers us for drugs or guns. But not both.
----
:(August Scharffenheimer, Randolph Brackenbrown, and Samuel Summerbottom meet up with Bob and Mr. Fischoeder, and a twig snaps)
:Samuel Summerbottom: (whispering) What was that?
:Mr. Fischoeder: (whispering) Did you fart, Bob?
:Bob: (whispering) No, that was a twig snapping. Farts don't sound like that.
:Randolph Brackenbrown: (whispering) Some do...''
:(Hubert jumps out from a bush and lunges at Samuel Summerbottom's neck to bite it and everyone cries out)
:Samuel Summerbottom: That hurts! (kicks Hubert away)
:Randolph Brackenbrown: Told you!
:(Everyone starts running away from Hubert)
:Samuel Summerbottom: Stop biting us, Hubert! And put some clothes on!
----
:(Everyone nominates Bob to be captain of their survivor group, and they decide to use him as bait by tying him up and putting beef on him to lure Hubert)
:Bob: (tied up) No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Bad plan, bad plan!
:Samuel Summerbottom: (putting beef on Bob's face) Just a little more beef on the eyebrows to make him seem extra tasty, and I think we're done.
:August Scharffenheimer: (putting beef on Bob's face) I'm giving him a beef mustache on top of his real mustache!
:Randolph Brackenbrown: Clever! And the trap is baited.
:Bob: No, your captain says no. No human bait, no human bait!
:Mr. Fischoeder: Sorry, Bob, the captain doesn't have voting rights.
:(Everyone hides in the bush and abandons Bob)
:August Scharffenheimer: I'll never forget you captain... (kisses Bob's forehead)
:Bob: Oh, my God... Guys, please untie me. I don't like this.
:Mr. Fischoeder: Don't worry, Bob. We're not gonna let Hubert eat you. I mean, not all of you. Just nibble long enough so that we can grab him and tie him up. 
:Samuel Summerbottom: Ten to 15 bites max.
----
:(Linda is quizzing the kids about her cocktail lessons)
:Linda: Okay, let's review. How many drinks do you have a cocktail party?
:Tina: Depends on your body weight?
:Gene: And zodiac sign.
:Louise: Your age plus one.
:Linda: No, no, no. Two and a half. First one loosens you up. Second one, nurse it. Last one, put it down, don't finish it, you don't need it. But don't put it on the stereo or any furniture where it's gonna leave a little ring. Make a big show of looking for a coaster.
:Tina: What's a coaster?
:Linda: We don't have any. But some people do. Some people care about their furniture.
:Tina: (holding her drink and looking everywhere) But where-- where do I put this?
:Gene: (walking towards the plant by the TV) I'm pouring mine in the plant.
:Linda: No, no, no, plants don't like sweet drinks.
:Louise: Just hard liquor?
:Linda: Tina, hold onto it. Pretend it's your second. Okay, let me think. What's next?
:Gene: Ooh, I'm gonna throw my keys into the key bowl. I think it's something grown-ups do when they want to meet Sigourney Weaver.
:Louise: I'm loosening my tie. Dad's missing a wild night.
----
:(Mr. Fischoeder feels bad about Bob and goes out from the bush to untie him)
:Bob: (whispering to Mr. Fischoeder) What are you doing?
:Mr. Fischoeder: (whispering) I'm taking your wallet in case he kills you.
:Bob: (whispering) WHAT?
:Mr. Fischoeder: (whispering) Kidding! I'm untying you!
----
:(August Scharffenheimer, Randolph Brackenbrown, and Samuel Summerbottom chase Bob and Mr. Fischoeder after Mr. Fischoeder freed Bob)
:Mr. Fischoeder: (to August Scharffenheimer, Randolph Brackenbrown, and Samuel Summerbottom) Sorry, fellas! He's my chef. Food before doods.
----
:(August Scharffenheimer and Randolph Brackenbrown trap Bob and Mr. Fischoeder with a tarp and Samuel Summerbottom starts whacking them with a stick)
:Bob: (in pain) Ah!
:Mr. Fischoeder: Quit it!
:Bob: (in pain) Ow!
:Randolph Brackenbrown: Geez, Samuel, too far.
:Samuel Summerbottoms: (stops hitting Bob and Mr. Fischoeder) Oh, I thought we were doing the whole... whacky-whacky-stick-thing. Nope? Okay, well, (sarcastically to Bob and Mr. Fischoeder) Sorrrry.
:Mr. Fischoeder: No need! I didn't even feel it.
:Bob: (in pain) You didn't get hit! I did!
:Mr. Fischoeder: OH, well, then apology accepted.
:Bob: (in pain) Oh, my God.
----
:(Gene and Louise come into the kitchen to find Linda and Tina)
:Gene: Did the party move in here?
:Linda: Yeah, this is where the cool kids are.
:Louise: (pretends to look around) Where are they hiding?
:Gene (to Linda) Now teach us how to make nice with the cops when they come about the noise.
:Linda: (clapping) Ooh, yeah, let's do that one. I'll be the cops. (speaking in a lower voice, pretending to be a cop) What's going on here?!
:Gene Hello, Officer, does this dance make you wanna join the party? (starts dancing)
:Linda: (pretending to be a cop) Oh, wow, yeah. That changes everything. (also starts dancing)
:Louise: This seems realistic.
----
Category:Episode quotes