Eight Legged Freaks/Transcript

[The film opens on Harlan Griffith addressing the viewers.]
Harlan Griffith: Do you know fear? Do you know what it's like to feel your heart beating in your chest so intensely... that you can't even breathe? This is a story of... monsters... creatures… hideous nightmares that crawl in the night. I've seen them. I've seen them in visions. And you... will... too. (laughs) I know you must be saying to yourself, "What is this fine and enlightened brother doing in this godforsaken landscape?" Well, I'll tell you. For this is the only place in the country where I can tell the truth and they can't get me.
[Cut to views of the small town of Prosperity, Arizona.]
Harlan Griffith: (on radio) Right here at KFRD, freedom radio. The only source for the inside dope on government conspiracies, space aliens, and up-to-the-minute reports on when they plan to invade. It's a beautiful morning here in Prosperity, Arizona, and it's time for America to wake up, people! Wake up before it's too late. But no, of course you're still asleep. 
[Cut to a Viroanol Corp truck driving down the road.]
Harlan Griffith: (on radio) You still think we actually landed on the moon, that Oswald killed Kennedy, and that a black man's vote in Florida actually counts. Wake up, people. Look to the skies. Look to the skies, my friends. Unless, of course, you're driving. I don't want anybody suing my ass. I've got enough problems from the government. Can barely pay for this damn trailer.
[The truck driver, Amos, tunes the radio.]
Amos: Keep talking, buddy. Say something that has caffeine in it.
Harlan Griffith: (on radio) It's a hard life, spreading the truth. Never made Gandhi rich. Never made Mother Teresa rich. L. Ron Hubbard? Well, actually, he did pretty good for himself.
[A bunny jumps on the road. It stops before the truck starts to approach. However, Amos notices the bunny. The driver swerved away from the bunny, hitting the railing of the road. A container falls off the truck, bouncing off the railing to the river below. It splashes into the water, bubbling as the chemicals pour out. The next morning, a man is fishing out some crickets at the river with a net. He finds one and inspects it.]
Joshua Taft: Interesting.
[He puts the cricket in a glass jar and drives off in his car, not noticing the barrel floating in the water. One week later, a young boy rides his bike to Taft’s Exotic Spider Farm. He goes inside the shack to look for the man.]
Mike Parker: Joshua? Joshua? Josh?
[As he looks around, he finds a Lycosa tarantula inside a cage.]
Mike Parker: You're a big fella.
[It leaps at the glass, scaring Mike into the arms of a man. He turns around and sees Joshua Taft, the man from the river.]
Mike Parker: Joshua, are you trying to scare me to death?
Joshua Taft: Hello, Mike.
[?]
Mike Parker: The Lycosa Narbonensis looks different today. It's bigger.
Joshua Taft: It's their diet. I made a discovery. These have been appearing in the pond for the past three days. (grabs some crickets)
Mike Parker: Crickets?
Joshua Taft: They're like spider steroids.
[He drops some crickets into a spider cage.]
Parrot: (squawks) I see dead people. I see dead people. 
Joshua Taft: He loves that movie. I don't know… (sees something) There they go. Look, look.
[?]
Mike Parker: Whoa. He was hungry.
Joshua Taft: Yeah. As they grow, their appetites do too.
Mike Parker: I've never seen spiders this big before. It's all from eating those crickets?
Joshua Taft: I'm going to make a fortune.
Mike Parker: Wow, jumping spiders.
Joshua Taft: Yeah, Habronattus Orbus.
[?]
Mike Parker: Wow.
Joshua Taft: Yeah, look. Look how they kill. I call this an arac-attack. You get it?
Mike Parker: Yeah. It's good. So have the new orbweavers come in yet?
Joshua Taft: Oh, yeah. It took me forever to get that mating pair from Chile. I had to bribe every customs agent from Santiago to Tuscon. But here.
[?]
Mike Parker: That is too cool.
Joshua Taft: Yeah. See the male orb weavers compete for the female's attention. They all try to give her the best present, you know, like bugs or, you know, rats, or the occasional parrot. (parrot squawks) Come on. I want to show you something. You see, the prey is cocooned alive so she can eat them in her nest. You know how much women like breakfast in bed. Yeah, look at this. Look at her. The female of the species is three times as big as the male. Say hello to Consuela. She fills her prey with digestive acid to liquefy the internal organs so she can drink it from the inside out while it's alive.
[Just then, Mike’s watch beeps and the boy checks the time.]
Mike Parker: Oh, man, am I in trouble. I've got to go. I'll call you later, okay?
Joshua Taft: When you come back next, I bet they're twice as big as they are today.
Mike Parker: Bye, Josh. See you next week.
[?]
Joshua Taft: Where'd you go, little fella?
[?]
Parrot: I see dead people. I see dead...
[Then, a spider leaps onto the parrot. Another week later, we see a bus driving down the road. A man, Chris McCormick, is looking out the window. Inside a house, an old woman is typing down something while smoking. She hears the bus horn honking and Chris comes out of the bus. He then enters the house.]
Gladys: Sorry, sonny, we aren't hiring.
Chris McCormick: You sure? I'm a pretty good engineer.
Gladys: Do I look like a woman who isn't sure?
Chris McCormick: Yeah, well… I used to know my way around these parts.
Gladys: We aren't hiring. We're laying off. We're three months from a going-out-of-business sale. Got the picture?
Chris McCormick: Yeah, I've got the picture, but my name's not Sonny, it's Chris.
Gladys: Chris? Chris?
Chris McCormick: Aunt Gladys.
Gladys: Oh, welcome home.
[?]
Chris McCormick: Ow! Bad dog. No.
[?]
Mike Parker: Hey, Pete. What are you doing out here?
Deputy Pete: Well, we've got a...
Sam Parker: No. The question is, what are you doing out here? You were supposed to stay in the house.
Mike Parker: What did you find, Mom?
Sam Parker: Some jerk tossed a barrel of chemicals off the road. Judging by its condition, it's been out here a couple of weeks. Who knows how much contamination it's caused.
Mike Parker: The water's contaminated?
Sam Parker: Pete, send this sample down to the EPA lab in Phoenix. Let's see what they come up with, okay?
Mike Parker: I've got to tell Joshua.
Sam Parker: Oh, so that's where you were going? I told you, no more weekly visits to that spider farm, didn't I? All right, you're grounded, mister.
Mike Parker: But, Mom, I've got to tell Joshua about this contamination.
Sam Parker: I don't want you hanging out with that weirdo. Those spiders are dangerous and besides, they give you nightmares. Your nightmares keep me up all night, and you know what happens when I don't get enough sleep, right?
Mike Parker: Bad mood?
Sam Parker: Put your bike in the truck. Pete, can you help him with his bike?
Deputy Pete: Yeah, okay, sure.
[?]
Sam Parker: Hang on, Mike.
[?]
Sam Parker: Party's over, gentlemen. Off the bikes.
?: Great, this is all I need.
[?]
?: She's got to be the sexiest sheriff in the country.
?: I know. It's weird.
[?]
Sam Parker: Just bought yourself a reckless, Bret.
Ashley Parker: Oh, come on. Give them a break.
Sam Parker: Get in the truck, Ashley.
Ashley Parker: Mom!
Sam Parker: Now.
[?]
?: Give me your license.
[?]
?: Come on, sheriff.
[?]
?: Come on.
[?]
Mike Parker: You have the right to remain silent...
Ashley Parker: Shut up, dork!
Mike Parker: You have a right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, you will be appointed one...
[?]
Bret: Hey, Larry, do we know anybody down at city hall that might be able to take care of this?
Larry: Bret, isn't your stepfather the mayor?
Sam Parker: Next time you put my daughter's life in danger, I'll show you exactly how little that means to me.
?: We're cool, sheriff.
?: What do you think, G-string or underwear?
?: Definitely thong.
?: You going to pay for this?
?: No.
?: Sweet.
Sam Parker: I heard that.
?: Yeah, whatever.
[?]
Ashley Parker: (on phone) I can't believe my mom gave you that ticket. It was so humiliating.
Mike Parker: Ash, I really need to use the phone.
Ashley Parker: No, you don't. You have no friends. (on the phone) Yeah, I just can't get any privacy around here, you know? 
[?]
Ashley Parker: Hello? Hello? Hello, hello? Oh, God.
[?]
Ashley Parker: Does anybody know what's going on with the phone?
[?]
Mike Parker: Come on, Joshua, pick up.
[? Later, there is a town meeting at Prosperity Mall.]
Mayor Wade: Wait, wait. This is a town meeting, not the WWF.
Deputy Pete: Mayor? Why can't those of us that want to sell, sell?
Mayor Wade: Now, Viroanol wants all of our properties or none of our properties. Let's face it. The town's going broke, and they're willing to pay us to relocate.
Deputy Pete: How do we know this isn't another of your get-rich schemes, like, you know, building this ridiculous mall out here?
Mayor Wade: Well, they scrapped plans to run a freeway through here, otherwise...
Miner: Or that stupid ostrich farm of yours.
Wade: It's good meat, it's healthy. Hey, everybody in this town is having some kind of financial problem. Sure, I want to get out from under this and the rest of you should too.
Harlan Griffith: This is a government cover-up, isn't it? (few people giggle)
Wade: Harlan, what in the hell are you talking about?
Harlan Griffith: Why they willing to pony up so much money? Just to get to the mines underneath our properties?
Mayor Wade: They just want to put the empty mines to some use. It's perfectly safe. The only reason we've kept this town going is the hope that the McCormick mines could turn theirselves around and put everybody back to work. It is not happening. Old Man McCormick, God rest his soul... he's dead, as dead as those mines.
Leon: Well, Mr. Mayor, before he died, he claimed he'd seen that vein.
Mayor Wade: Let's be honest, Leon. The man was hallucinating.
Chris McCormack: (enters) You know those mines are filled with methane gas. Are you going to load that gun with toxic waste?
Mayor Wade: Eh, this is for land owners only...
Chris McCormack: Well, I am a land owner, Wade. (Steps into light)
Mayor Wade: (false cheeriness) Hey, Chris McCormick. I didn't know you were back. 
[Everyone turns amongst each other and begins to gossip.]
Chris McCormack: My father said he'd found the Agua Mesa lode.
Mayor Wade: Well, he said a lot of things near the end, Chris.
Chris McCormack: I'm not selling the mine.
[As the crowd resumes gossiping, Wade follows Chris out of the mall.]
Mayor Wade: Chris, wait up. Wait up.
[Outside the mall…]
Mayor Wade: You're being foolish, Chris.
Chris McCormick: Back off, Wade.
Mayor Wade: Your father was delusional.
Chris McCormick: You better shut the hell up about my father, I'm warning you.
Mayor Wade: Since when did you give a damn about the mines, anyway, huh? You've been gone for, what, 10 years.
Chris McCormick: Wade.
Mayor Wade: Hey, don't make the rest of the town suffer just because you feel guilty you weren't around when your father died. I'm talking to you.
[Chris punches the mayor in the face.]
Chris McCormick: I warned you!
[?]
Sam Parker: What the hell are you doing, huh?
Mayor Wade: That's it. That's it! Okay, Sam, I'm pressing charges. I want him arrested.
Sam Parker: Go home, Wade. Put some ice on your nose.
Deputy Pete: (to the crowd) Just curve around 20 feet away from the scene of a misdemeanor.
Sam Parker: 10 years and you have not changed a bit. Why don't you lay low for a couple days, all right?
Chris McCormick: Good to see you again, Sam. Just like old times, huh?
[?]
Ashley Parker: So it's nice to see you still like men.
Sam Parker: What the hell are you talking about?
Ashley Parker: Oh, nothing. I just saw you staring at his butt when you handcuffed him, that's all.
Sam Parker: Who told you that it's okay to talk to your mother like this?
Ashley Parker: He's pretty cute for an old fogy guy.
Sam Parker: He just needs a shave.
[?]
Deputy Pete: Okay, folks, show's over. Move along. Night, Sam. Yeah, nothing to see here, folks. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Okay.
[?]
Emma Willis: Oh, honey, give it a rest. It's so late. It's almost midnight.
Deputy Pete: Okay, but you told me to finish the job, now I'm trying to finish the job...
Emma Willis: Let's just give Zekie his snack and go to sleep. Where is Zeke?
Deputy Pete: Well, he's just...
Emma Willis: Don't tell me he went into the drywall again.
Deputy Pete: Well, yeah, I was meaning to get a grille, but they don't have the right size...
Emma Willis: You were going to finish remodeling this place over a month ago. I don't think you know what you're doing. We're going to have to give Zeke cat food and he hates cat food. 
Deputy Pete: God forbid a cat should have to eat cat food. That cat is spoiled rotten. If he was a kid, we'd have to send him to military school.
[?]
Emma Willis: Poor Zekie.
Deputy Pete: Let's lie and say it's tuna.
Emma Willis: Okay. I don't think you'll trick him. He's smart.
Deputy Pete: Zekie-doodle. Look what we've got for you. We've got tuna. Get your furry cat ass out of there.
[?]
Deputy Pete: Whoa!
[?]
Deputy Pete: Zeke… Zeke… Zekie... Zeke. Zeke. Zeke. Zeke...
[?]
Deputy Pete: Oh, my God.
[?]
Gladys: She's divorced now, you know.
Chris McCormick: I really don't want to talk about Sam Parkerright now.
Gladys: Well, a man in a flea circus don't want to itch, but he still does.
Chris McCormick: Something on your mind, Gladys?
Gladys: I know why you left town 10 years ago.
Chris McCormick: I left town for a lot of reasons.
Gladys: You wanted to avoid telling Sam Parker why you beat the crap out of her husband.
Chris McCormick: That was a long time ago. I'm a changed man now.
Gladys: Okay, prove it. March your butt down right now to Sam Parker's and tell her everything. Tell her why you broke her husband's nose and why you left town without so much as a fare-thee-well. Tell her once and for all how you really feel about her. Lose the face fuzz before you do. Makes your mouth look like a stripper's crotch.
Chris McCormick: That's disgusting.
[?]
Sam Parker: (on phone) Hello?
Deputy Pete: (on phone) Hey, Sam.
Sam Parker: (on phone) Hey, Pete. What's up? Yeah, I can talk. What's the matter?
Deputy Pete: (on phone) Something ate Zeke.
Sam Parker: (on phone) What?
Deputy Pete: (on phone) He got in the drywall.
Sam Parker: (on phone) Something ate your cat? Oh, my God. What do you think it was? 
[?]
Mike Parker: Unbelievable.
[?]
Sam Parker: (on phone) How's Emma taking it?
Deputy Pete: (on phone) Well, she left me. She's gone to stay with her mother.
Sam Parker: (on phone) Pete, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Deputy Pete: (on phone) I'm fine.
Sam Parker: (on phone) You sound like you're crying.
Deputy Pete: (on phone) Oh, no, no. I just, you know, I have an intolerance to dairy and I'm just a little bit mucousy right now. That's it.
[?]
Chris McCormick: Sam, I need to tell you something…
[?]
Ashley Parker: It's Bret. I'm going to get it.
Sam Parker: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. Hey, hang on a second. Come here. I'm worried about a lot of things you've been doing lately, Ash. This whole bad-girl thing you're going through could get you in trouble.
Ashley Parker: Mom.
Sam Parker: I have something that I want you to keep with you, okay?
Ashley Parker: Mom, I really don't want to do this now.
[Doorbell rings again.]
Sam Parker: Just a sec!
[?]
Chris McCormick: I'm a man, you're a woman.... No. What am I doing?
[?]
Sam Parker: Take this.
Ashley Parker: Is that a stun gun? What, are you kidding me?
Sam Parker: I knew guys just like Bret...
Ashley Parker: Mom, I'm not you, okay? I'm not going to get pregnant at 16. I'm not going to stay here for the rest of my life and be like a trailer-trash sheriff, all right?
Sam Parker: Thanks for the flashback. I didn't deserve that.
Ashley Parker: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry. Can I have the stun gun, please?
Sam Parker: Be careful with it, all right?
Ashley Parker: Okay.
Sam Parker: Thank you. Get out of here.
Ashley Parker: Ew.
[?]
Ashley Parker: Hey. Oh, it's you.
Chris McCormick: Yeah. I was wondering if your mom was home?
Ashley Parker: Mom, it's for you.
[?]
Sam Parker: Morning, Chris.
Chris McCormick: Morning, Sam. I just wanted to come by and apologize for yesterday.
Sam Parker: No. I can handle Wade. Really, don't worry about it.
Chris McCormick: Great. And you know, since I'm back in town for a little while and all, I thought maybe I could… Sam, before I left...
Sam Parker: Is there something you want to tell me?
Chris McCormick: Do you think we could meet somewhere, hook up? Not hook up. I mean, meet somewhere and you know, catch up on things?
Sam Parker: Sure, Chris. Yeah, we could do that.
Chris McCormick: Great. All right, I'll be in touch.
Sam Parker: Okay. Um… Who are the flowers for?
Chris McCormick: Oh… Well, they're for you, actually. I picked them myself.
Sam Parker: Nice.
Chris McCormick: Nice. All right, bye.
[?]
Chris McCormick: "Picked them myself." Come on.
[?]
Mike Parker: Joshua?
[?]
Mike Parker: (speaks into his recorder) There's no sign of Joshua, his parrot, or any of the arachnids. Just these huge, intricate webs they've left behind.
[?]
Mike Parker: (speaks into his recorder) I've discovered several arachnid tracks outside Joshua's. From my initial estimate, the spiders have doubled. No, more like they're five times their original size.
[?]
Chris McCormick: I found this map in my dad's study. Leon, is this the section he was working on when he died?
Leon: Yep.
Chris McCormick: I thought so. I want to concentrate all our energy in these tunnels here.
Leon: Those mines have the highest concentration of methane gas.
Chris McCormick: Yeah, well, I'm not going to make the same mistake my dad did. I want all men to wear their masks at all times. If you start feeling disoriented, get to one of these higher chambers as soon as possible.
Leon: Well, it's nice to know you didn't forget everything we taught you.
[?]
Mike Parker: Hey, can you give me a ride into town, mister?
Chris McCormick: Sure. Hop in, kid.
Mike Parker: Great. Thanks.
[?]
Chris McCormick: What's that?
Mike Parker: I think it's an exoskeleton of a male orb weaver's pedipalps.
Chris McCormick: Okay...
Mike Parker: It's a spider's leg.
Chris McCormick: Well, that seems awful big to be a spider leg.
Mike Parker: Yeah, that's the problem. But nobody's going to believe me.
Chris McCormick: Believe what?
Mike Parker: Do you really want to know?
Chris McCormick: Try me.
Mike Parker: Okay. The situation is this. My friend Joshua sells exotic spiders. They've grown bigger the last couple of weeks, and now they've grown so big that they've broken out of their cages and headed down to the mine shafts. Joshua is nowhere to be found and I think they might've killed him, but you won't believe me, because I'm the kid, and they never believe the kid.
Chris McCormick: Let me see it.
[?]
Chris McCormick: You know, it does kind of look like an old piece of cactus.
Mike Parker: See?
[?]
Sam Parker: So... where were you?
Mike Parker: I went to Joshua's. 
Sam Parker: What did I tell you about going over there?
Mike Parker: Mom, his spiders have become gigantic. The whole town could be in danger. They could destroy everything. People could get killed. Just hear me out.
Sam Parker: I swear to God it's the television. This is exactly your problem right here. I don't want to hear any more of your media-induced, paranoid, delusional nightmares.
Mike Parker: Mom, listen to me.
Sam Parker: You can add a week to how long you're grounded.
Mike Parker: Please?
Sam Parker: And no TV.
[?]
Mayor Wade: (on phone) I know. I thought it was a slam-dunk. Who knew Chris McCormick would suddenly get gold fever? I'm trying my best here. Do you have any idea what the people of this town would do if they knew we were storing toxic waste without their consent?
Bret: Wade, I'm going out now.
Mayor Wade: (on phone) Now, look, I let you guys run tests, putting that stuff in the mines that run under my own property.
Bret: I'll be back late, maybe not till morning.
Mayor Wade: (on phone) You owe me on this.
Bret: Going off to get wasted, have a wild orgy, and I might steal a car. You want one?
Mayor Wade: Bret, I'm on the phone. Go have some fun. I'll see you later. (on phone) Either we stand together on this...
Bret: (sarcastic) Thanks for caring, man. (leaves)
Mayor Wade: (on phone) Or we fall together. 
[?]
Mayor Wade: (on phone) I'll do what I can.
[?]
Mayor Wade: What the...
[?]
Mayor Wade: Good Lord.
[?]
Harlan Griffith: (on radio) I've been warning you about this for years, but you wouldn't listen to me. And now it's starting to emerge as a trend in our town. Checking on the police wire that Bob Stuck's dog Skippy's been missing, and that's the fourth missing-pet call we've had this morning. It's strange, it's strange. People are saying it's coyotes and it's wolves, but we know the truth. We all know about those cows in New England and the probe, the anal probe. Yeah, let's talk about the probe. Let's talk about the anal probe. What is that? I mean, what are they looking for? I mean, that's just wrong. I mean, Skippy didn't do anything to anybody. I mean, he doesn't deserve that. What are you going to find in a dog's... you know what I'm saying. It's just wrong. You're all ostriches with your heads stuck in the dirt, which just leaves your ass sticking up in the air. You're inviting the aliens in, people. They have no choice but to probe you in the butt.
[?]
Chris McCormick: Aunt Gladys, how can you listen to this wacko?
Gladys: I think he's very informative.
Chris McCormick: Do Floyd and Leroy still have that barber shop?
Gladys: Good idea. People are beginning to talk.
Chris McCormick: Oh, you can't light those matches, huh? Maybe it's a sign to quit.
Harlan Griffith: (on radio) If the aliens come down and they try to anal probe me, I'm telling you, I'm not taking that. That's… If you want a piece of me, just don't take that piece.
[?]
Chris McCormick: So how much is a shave these days?
Floyd: Four bucks.
Chris McCormick: Four bucks? That's a good deal.
Floyd: Got to give a good deal. Can't charge around here what a barber can charge in other places where they've got money. And jobs. Of course, some people don't know a good deal when they see one.
Chris McCormick: Uh, you know, maybe I don't need a shave.
Floyd: Hold still. I wouldn't want to cut you.
[? In Ashley's truck. Ashley and her boyfriend Bret are kissing.]
Ashley Parker: Bret, slow down.
Bret: Well, I thought you loved me?
Ashley Parker: I do, I do, but I just...
Bret: But what?
Ashley Parker: I just… I don't want to lose my virginity in the front seat of a truck.
Bret: Well, why didn't you say so? I've got a blanket in the back.
Ashley Parker: Bret, no. No, that's not it. I just don't think l'm ready.
Bret: Tammy and Larry do it every night.
Ashley Parker: So fine, call them, okay? Have a ménage à trois if you want.
Bret: Oh, that dirty talk just drives me nuts.
Ashley Parker: Oh, Bret, no.
[Bret continues kissing her.]
Ashley Parker: Bret, please. Bret, look, I'm warning you, okay?
Bret: I can't help it. You just bring out the beast in me. (continues kissing Ashley)
Ashley Parker: Bret, back off!
[She electrocutes him in the balls with her stun gun. Brett screams and falls out of the jeep.]
Bret: Ow, my balls! God, my balls.
[Then, he wets his pants.]
Bret: Damn it! I pissed my pants. Don't you think you're overreacting a little? I was just copping a feel.
Ashley Parker: Overreacting? God, you know, I can't believe my mom was right about you. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?
[She slams the door shut and drives off.]
Bret: Ash! Ash, wait. I'm sorry.
[?]
?: Check out Bret.
?: Yeah.
[?]
Bret: Go! Go! They're coming! They're coming! Go! Get on your bikes! Get on your bikes! They're coming.
?: Dude, did you piss your pants?
Bret: We've got to get out of here.
?: Looks like the only thing going is you, dude.
[?]
?: They're getting closer. Move it!
[?]
Deputy Pete: (on phone) We have ostriches, cats and dogs disappearing all over town.
Clerk: (on phone) Sir, last time I checked, cats and dogs are not fish, and ostriches are farmed, they're not game...
Deputy Pete: (on phone) There has to be somebody at Fish and Game who can be of some assistance.
[?]
Truck Driver: Hey, watch it!
[?]
Deputy Pete: (on phone) Hello? Hello? Hello?
[?]
Bret: Yes….
[?]
Bret: What the hell are these things?
[?]
Harlan Griffith: (on radio) Here we go again. The phone lines are down. I know they're going to tell you that it's a technical error, but you know what it is. They're shutting us down. That's right. I know what you're saying to yourself. You're saying, "Oh, he's paranoid, he's paranoid, he's crazy," but you know… And then there's an old saying, you know, "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't following me." And all of a sudden there's a communication "blackout." 
[?]
Gladys: Probably at the bottom of the bag. It's where they always put the food.
[?]
Gladys: Here it is. Here we go, Bruisie. Bruisie?
[?]
Gladys: Bruiser?
[?]
Aunt Gladys?
Bruiser?
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, Lord.
Are you in there?
Oh...
Oh, my God.
Oh...
I'm coming, baby.
I'm coming.
Aunt Gladys, I lost the face fuzz.
Bruiser?
Aunt Gladys?
[MUMBLING]
[MUMBLES ECHOING]
Aunt Gladys?
Aunt Gladys?
This ain't no cactus.
Mike!
Mike!
Mike! Sam!
[BANGING]
Can I talk to Mike?
Why? What's going on?
I can't explain now.
Mike, look what I found in my basement.
Whoa, that thing is huge!
Give me a second.
Hold this.
What's going on?
So check this out.
After taking careful measurements of the exoskeleton I found at Joshua's, my program calculated that the spider was roughly the size shown here.
What spider?
But the hole in the basement was much bigger than that.
What hole?
Okay, now let's input the measurements from your exoskeleton and see what happens.
That's more like it... unfortunately.
What the hell is this?
It's my media-induced, paranoid, delusional nightmare.
Oh, God.
So you're trying to tell me that a giant spider ate Gladys?
Maybe not.
Was there webbing around?
Yeah, lots of it.
She might have been attacked by a male orb weaver.
Male, female, what's the difference?
Males compete for the female's attention by bringing her the best present.
The prey is cocooned alive so that she can feed on it later in her nest.
You know how all women like breakfast in bed.
So Gladys might still be alive?
[GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
That's Ashley.
Come on.
Ashley?
Ashley...
Mom!
Look out!
Keys.
Keys, keys, keys, keys.
Mike, get out of here!
Scissors. Throw me the scissors!
Scissors?
Scissors!
Here you go.
Hey, spidey.
Thank you.
Pete. Come in, Pete.
All right.
Hold on to your shirt.
Sam, is that you, Sam?
Look, I don't know what's going on, but all the phones are down.
Take every weapon we have to my house.
Guns?
Why would we be needing...
Just do it!
Okay. All right. Okay.
Deputy Pete: Winchester, we've got six, Mossberg pump, and the Lee Harvey Oswald rifle. Why we have that, I do not know.
Why don't you stomp them hills out flat and give yourself some room to grow before you start making brags around us.
Brags, is it?
I'm closing up.
Oh, my Lord, always complaining about something.
Can you turn that thing down?
You're already deaf from it.
I said turn that thing down.
What did you say?
No!
No!
Bob?
First Emma leaves, now Sam's got me doing spring cleaning.
Can't get any worse than this.
[SIREN]
So what happened with you and Brian, anyway?
He wasn't exactly the faithful type.
Sam, I've been trying to tell you this for a long time.
You can handle one of these, right?
[SIREN APPROACHING]
[HORN HONKING]
Ashley, Mike, you guys ready?
Just a minute, Mom.
How many spiders did Joshua have?
I don't know, a hundred, maybe 200?
200?
Are you kidding me?
Hurry up, you guys. It's time to go.
Mom, nearly all Joshua's spiders are nocturnal hunters.
They're coming out of the mines right now to feed.
We have to warn everybody.
All the phone lines are down, Mike.
To spread the word, open up your eyes to get you to look into the dark places that our government-controlled media...
We can broadcast a warning.
Okay, who is going to believe that lunatic?
[HORN HONKING]
What was that?
What the...
What the hell is going on?
It's Pete.
He's waiting.
Come on. Let's go.
See you, Ash.
I don't think that was Pete.
Oh, my God...
Holy moly.
Everybody get in the car now!
Ashley, go!
Come on, come on.
Look out, Sam!
Come on.
What are you waiting for? Go!
Habronattus Orbus...
Let's go!
The jumper.
You guys stay in the car.
Pete, honk if there are any problems.
You got it, Sam.
Mom...
Stay in the car.
Guys, stay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
Harlan, I need to make an emergency broadcast.
You can't just come in and oppress me.
I have no time to explain.
Consider this a government conspiracy to take over your station.
Here.
Friends, our local "authorities" have an emergency message for our charming little community.
This is Sheriff Sam Parker and I have a very important announcement.
Pete, turn on the radio.
This is not a prank or one of Harlan's crazy stunts.
We have a crisis situation on our hands.
The town... is being overrun by giant spiders.
Believe me, I know how this sounds, but you must trust me on this.
I want everyone to arm themselves immediately.
I repeat, giant spiders are all over the town.
Did she just say giant spiders?
That's just Harlan's show.
Giant spiders?
What the hell kind of bullshit is that?
Space aliens you believe.
This you have a hard time with?
Why didn't someone say something?
Look at me.
God.
I've got to warn Sam.
No, no, no, no, no!
No. Shh.
Noise will attract it.
What do I do?
Give me the walkie-talkie.
Mom, are you there?
Yeah, yeah, Mike. Mike, is everything okay?
Mom, don't make any movements or noises.
There's a giant tarantula headed your way.
Copy that.
Oh, my God!
You're just food to that thing.
Attention, people. Everyone meet at the Prosperity Mall. I repeat: the Prosperity Mall.
Why the mall?
Concrete walls, steel doors.
[gunshots]
Did you see that thing?
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
Let's go.
Come on.
I have four more payments on this shit.
Let's go.
Come on, hurry.
It's coming this way!
Go. Go.
[SCREAMING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Come on.
[?]
Norman: Can I get a refill, Carol?
Carol: Help yourself, sweetie.
Norman: Thanks.
Mayor Wade: That was an excellent ostrich burger.
Carol: Well, thank you.
Mayor Wade: Kind of slow today, huh?
Carol: It's always slow here, Wade.
[?]
Harlan Griffith: No, no, no, no, I'm telling you, there's no way you're telling me that thing back there is from Earth.
Chris McCormick: All right, they're spiders from Mars. You happy?
Harlan Griffith: No.
It's the invasion!
It's the invasion!
Sam, I'm telling you, it's the invasion!
I told you.
I told you.
Everyone, just get to the mall, as quick as you can.
Just get to the Prosperity Mall as soon as possible.
Arac-attack.
[HORN HONKING]
If you build it, they will come.
Chris, get everyone inside and get the gate down.
Kids, go with him.
Right, Mom.
Oswald's gun.
This is the weirdest day of my life.
What is going on?
Look behind you.
Norman, how do you get this gate down?
Key. Do you have it?
Yeah. Come on!
Hurry up.
Okay.
That's the back gate.
That's the ladies lavatory.
Come on!
You're making me nervous.
I'll make you nervous.
Give me that!
Could it be this one with "Front Gate" on it?
Yeah, Front Gate. That'll do it.
Come on!
Everybody get inside!
Hurry!
Mom, hurry up!
Come on.
Mom, hurry!
Hurry!
Mom, come on. Hurry up!
Mom, are you okay?
What exactly is that?
Spider, man.
Hey...
Hey, Chris, how's the lockdown holding over there?
This one's holding pretty good.
They're holding, but we don't have much time.
Okay.
All the doors are locked and secured.
No breaches at the front.
I haven't heard a sound in a couple hours.
I think the doors will hold.
Someone ought to get back there and...
Go.
Mark: Sam, I think we have a right to know what the hell is going on here.
Floyd: Those things killed Leroy. And Bob Miller, my best customer, was hanging from my ceiling.
Harlan Griffith: What am I doing on the radio all day? I've been telling you about the alien invasion for months. Am I talking to myself? I'm here for you.
Mark: You saying those things out there are aliens?
[The people start arguing amongst themselves.]
Mike Parker: Mom, they have to be quiet.
Mark: Those weren't aliens. Those were big-ass spiders, really big ones!
Chris McCormick: Shut up. Let's listen to the kid for once. Go on, Mike.
Mike Parker: All right. First of all, the spiders are attracted to vibrations. That includes loud noises, movement, and talking, so everybody just needs to stay as calm and quiet as possible.
Mayor Wade: Sam, why didn't you call in the Army, for chrissake?
Sam Parker: Where have you been, Wade? The phones are dead.
Chris McCormick: Doesn't anyone have a cell phone around here?
Mayor Wade: You can use mine, if you're willing to climb a mountain.
Harlan Griffith: Why don't you just use the antenna up on the top of the mall? That's how I get my broadcast out. Have somebody climb up and get a signal out.
Mayor Wade: That's a great idea, Harlan. Be a hero.
Sam Parker: I'll do it.
Chris McCormick: No, Sam, let me.
Harlan Griffith: I've got your back.
Chris McCormick: Great.
Harlan Griffith: I've been fighting these aliens my whole life. About time l busted up a few of them face to face.
Chris McCormick: They're not aliens, they're spiders!
Those of you who don't have weapons need to arm yourselves with anything that you can dig up, and then we'll all meet right back here.
Okay?
Go to the hardware store and meet me here.
Norman... show me the way to the roof.
I'm sorry. Show you where?
The roof, Norman.
The roof!
The roof.
How is it looking?
Roof's clear.
Be careful, Chris.
Thanks, Sam.
Listen, I've been trying to say something to you, so I'll just come outand say it.
Okay.
Here, take these.
You'll need them.
Perfume?
Spiders, they have a highly developed sense of smell.
The perfume could confuse them.
Oh, great, you know, if we die, we die smelling nice.
Nobody's dying, okay?
That's the one who busted up my trailer!
Shh!
I bet you he's their leader.
Come on.
You have the phone?
I thought you had the phone.
You said you had it.
Oh yeah, I've got it.
Sorry.
I got confused.
Damn it.
I... I've got a signal.
That's great.
Now how about dialing?
911 emergency.
Yeah, I'm calling from Prosperity, Arizona.
My name is Chris McCormick.
I know how this is going to sound, but you have to believe me.
I swear it's the truth.
Our town is being attacked by giant spiders.
We need military intervention.
This is an emergency service, not Dial-a-Joke.
This is not a crank call.
Don't hang upon me, lady.
Please!
It's an invasion!
They're here!
They're here!
You're damn right!
That's what I've been telling you!
I don't know how much longer those gates will hold.
I have to find Wade.
Has anyone seen Wade?
He went through that door back there.
Through that door between the Sewing Center and the Cinemaplex?
He's trying to go into the mines through the storage room downstairs.
Ashley, take everyone who's hurt and all the kids and get down to that storage room.
Norman, show them.
Now, now, now, now.
Go!
Here we go.
Get ready.
Get ready!
Oh, yeah. Right.
Shoot it!
Kill them!
Everybody get to the basement now!
Hurry!
Pete, come on!
Go, Sam!
Get downstairs!
I'll find another way out!
Guys, go.
Ashley Parker: Come on.
[?]
Norman: It's locked!
Ashley Parker: What?
Norman: He must have locked it from the other side. We're trapped.
[?]
Chris McCormick: Get back, you eight-legged freaks!
Harlan Griffith: Oh, my God, there's so many.
Chris McCormick: Harlan, get up here!
Harlan Griffith: I'm afraid of heights.
Chris McCormick: Heights? Aren't you afraid of spiders? Come on, Harlan.
Harlan Griffith: I'll try to lead them away.
Chris McCormick: You'll what?
Harlan Griffith: Defend the human race.
Chris McCormick: What, are you insane?
Harlan Griffith: Go! You'll never get that anal probe near me!
Chris McCormick: Harlan, no!
[?]
Deputy Pete: Harlan?
[?]
Deputy Pete: Hey, you know what? Let's just go back inside.
Harlan Griffith: Okay.
[?]
Harlan Griffith: Locked.
Deputy Pete: That's okay.
Harlan Griffith: Plan B?
Deputy Pete: All right, I tell you what. We're just going to run away.
Harlan Griffith: Yeah? 
Deputy Pete: Yeah.
Harlan Griffith: Okay.
[?]
Bret?
Wade?
What are you doing here?
I can't find my way out.
You're not going to believe me, but I've been getting chased by giant spiders all day.
Down here?
Yeah. A second ago, they were right behind me, but I think I lost them.
No, you didn't.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Bret! Bret!
Sam.
Chris, where are you?
Sam, I'm up here.
What the hell are you doing up there?
Just chilling. Get me out of here.
Back up.
All right, wait.
You push and I'll pull.
Ash?
Ashley?
Mom?
Look, Wade locked the door from the other side.
[BANGING]
They're all around us.
Everybody hide. Just take cover.
Bret?
Behind you!
Bret?
Ashley.
Mom, we better hurry.
All right, let's move.
Come on!
Let's go, everybody.
Into the mines. Come on, hurry.
There's got to be flashlights or something.
Keep moving.
Grab one of these.
Oh, cool, a miner's helmet.
I always wanted to try one.
Chris?
Can you lead these people out?
Come on, everybody, let's go.
This should hold him...
I hope.
Chris?
How do we get out of here?
We follow these power lines to a generator.
The generators are always near an exit.
Hurry.
Come on, everybody.
Not that way, this way.
This way.
Follow the kid.
Hurry up.
You went back there for that?
God, lose that thing.
It's going to slow us down.
You wouldn't believe how many times this puppy saved my ass.
What's that smell?
Wasn't me.
Methane gas, a lot of it.
Listen up.
The slightest spark or an open flame can blow us all to hell... so be careful.
Let's go.
The cables lead to a generator.
Follow the cables.
Cables... to a generator.
You guys, it's this way.
Follow the cables.
The cables lead to a generator.
Follow the cables.
Norman!
Somebody save him!
No. No, no. No gunfire.
No gunfire.
We'll set off the gas.
Catch.
All right, come on, everybody, hurry, into the tunnel.
Follow the cables.
People, hold on.
What the hell is this?
What's going on?
I don't know.
That spider back there, was that the female?
No.
That was just another male.
The female is three times as big.
So she's probably still close by, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I'd say so.
Mike, go back with your sister.
Go back with your sister!
Go.
What are you doing here?
Mom sent me back.
Why?
You don't want to know.
We have to do it.
It's the only way out.
Okay.
Oh, my God...
What the hell?
What is it?
I think it's alive.
Don't touch it.
Don't, don't...
It's Wade.
It's Wade.
Bret, just go, okay?
Just go.
Wade?
Let's get him down.
Oops.
Wade?
I don't feel so hot.
Hold on a second.
Wow, look at the size of that.
What the hell is this place, Mike?
It looks like an orb weaver den.
Okay, Chris, get us out of here fast.
Sam, I can't.
Why not?
Is there a chance Gladys is still alive?
Well, it's possible.
Are you crazy?
Sam, you'll have to get out without me.
Keep following those wires.
There's a wooden shed on the outside with a generator.
Get it started as soon as possible.
What are you up to?
I've got an idea.
I get it.
All right, everybody, come on.
Follow the cables.
Let's go. This way.
Come on, Mark.
Chris McCormick: Bret, I’m gonna need your bike.
Bret: My bike?
Bret, just do it. All right, kids, come on.
Chris McCormick: Sam, Sam. Just leave it there. I've tried to tell you this for a long time.
Now?
Chris McCormick: I may not get another chance. I should have said this a long time ago.
I know. You beat up my ex because you found out he was cheating on me, and you couldn't tell me, because you didn't want to break up my family, and you love me, you've always love me, and if you'd told me sooner, maybe our lives would be different.
Chris McCormick: Exactly.
Your father told me.
Chris McCormick: My dad told you?
Yes. Now get moving, so you can make it up to me later. (kisses him) Go on.
Chris McCormick: That was easy.
Chris McCormick: Gladys? Gladys? Gladys?
This way. Follow me. Come on. Move it!
Chris McCormick: Gladys!
[He opens the web to let out Gladys.]
Chris McCormick: Breathe.
[Gladys breathes. She’s alive and well.]
Chris McCormick: You’re alive.
Gladys: You look like an angel... all that gold.
Chris McCormick: Gold?
Gladys: Right behind you.
[?]
Chris McCormick: The Agua Mesa lode, he found it.
We need to find the generator.
Mark, get everybody away from the mines.
Okay, Sam.
Come on, folks, hurry up.
Get away from the mines. Get out there.
Hey, Mom, what about that one?
Come on.
Come on!
I knew he wasn't crazy.
What are you doing?
No, no, no, no.
No smoking.
Come on. We've got to get out of here.
Stand back, Gladys.
Shoot it.
Shoot it!
I'll set off the gas.
I can't!
Get back.
Mike, you saved us.
I need this more than you.
Damn it.
Why isn't it working?
It needs fuel.
See?
All right, everybody, find gas tanks, anything you can find.
We need gasoline.
Hurry!
Hurry!
Oh, God.
What are you doing?
It'll set off the gas.
Hurry!
All the gas cans are empty.
Well, keep looking.
We just need a little for one electrical surge.
Keep looking, everybody.
Don't give up.
Here.
Will this work?
Ashley, you're a genius.
Switch.
Turn this on.
Mom! Mom, it worked.
[?]
Chris McCormick: Adios, Consuela!
Gladys: (sees the fire behind them) Fire!
[?]
Chris McCormick: Aunt Gladys! Are you okay?
[?]
Mayor Wade: Oh, God, not the mall. Not my mall. Not the mall. Please, not the mall. I hope to God the insurance pays for this.
[?]
Police Officer: Let's go! Let's go!
Sam Parker: (to Chris) I thought you said 911 didn't believe you?
Harlan Griffith: They didn't. They listen to my broadcast.
Cop 1: We never miss a show. We just drove down from Tucson. It sounded like you guys needed some help.
Cop 2: Where are the aliens?
Deputy Pete: How many times do I have to tell you? They're not aliens, okay? They're just spiders who grew to enormous size because they ingested toxic waste.
Harlan Griffith: Oh, that's a more believable explanation.
Deputy Pete: Well, hey, I'm the one that dragged that barrel out of the water. I got completely covered in the stuff.
Harlan Griffith: And your point is?
Deputy Pete: Point? See this? All brand-new. Brand-new growth. Check it out, people, brand-new.
[?]
Police Officer: Ma'am, are you all right?
Gladys: Do you smoke?
Police Officer: No.
Gladys: Good. Dangerous habit. Disgusting. Causes explosions. Wish I'd never started.
[?]
Cop 2: Are there any more people down in those mines?
Chris McCormick: No. My Aunt Gladys was the only one l found alive. I checked the other cocoons, but nobody made it.
Cop 2: Cocoons? Hey, guys, we've got cocoons! I told you it'd be worth the ride!
[?]
Sam Parker: Glad you came back home?
Chris McCormick: Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Sam Parker: Me too.
[?]
Harlan Griffith: (on radio) And that, my friends, is the story of how the aliens attacked our sleepy little town, and to this day, people refuse to believe the truth about what happened here. They'd lead you to believe l would embellish this story, that I would make it up, but we know the truth. Oh yeah, two things I forgot to tell you… One, they never did get that probe near me. And two, as far as Chris McCormick reopening the gold mines and putting everyone back to work, well, that, my friends, is another story altogether.
[He laughs as he shows several golden teeth. Fade to black. Roll credits.]
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