Advice No One Asked For: Number Eleven/Transcript

Advice No One Asked For: Number Eleven is the eleventh episode of Buckley's "Advice No One Asked For" series.  It is available as an audio file on his website (in the "Supplements" section), as well as on YouTube.
Description (as seen on the website): Old people have problems too (beyond figuring out how to eat corn on the cob).
Description (as seen on YouTube): Buckley takes a moment out of his busy life to help those who didn't ask to be helped in the first place.  This time: old people have problems too (beyond figuring out how to eat corn on the cob).
==Transcript==
(introduction music playing during the following paragraph)
Welcome to "Advice No One Asked For".  It's once again that time where I find a letter written to somebody else, and offer my own unwanted opinions on the subject.  Today's letter comes from an old person, so there's a good chance they originally tried to send it via Pony Express.
Dear someone who actually gets paid for this,
A while back, I told my family I was considering downsizing my life and made the big mistake of telling them I want them to eventually have my house.  I also revealed the contents of my will.  Now I feel exposed, uncomfortable, and vulnerable - possibly even a bit paranoid that they might want to have me "six feet under" sooner than I should be. How can I undo the damage, knowing I have to make sure I have enough money to live on, as well as provide for them when I'm gone?
Signed...let's call this person, "Not Dead Yet in Denver".
Yeah, you kind of fucked up there.  Never tell anyone what's in your will, they're always gonna want it sooner than later.  However, since murder is illegal and nursing homes are expensive, you're probably safe for now.  But here's something else to think about.  Why should you provide for them when you're gone?  Fuck them!  You've spent your entire life saving up so you could retire and enjoy your remaining years.  Once you're dead, it won't matter, you won't be looking down on them, watching them enjoy your money, you're just gonna be a pile of rotting meat and bone in a box or dust in a jar.  So why not use that money to really enjoy your last days?  Sell your house, and move into something cheaper.  Change your will to give anything you might have left to charity.  Travel, buy expensive shit you wouldn't normally buy, and let the leeches fend for themselves when you're dead.  Also be sure to rub every big purchase in their faces.  Sure, they're still gonna want you to die faster, but at least now, it won't be so they can have all your money.  
(introductory music playing)
I'm Buckley, and you're welcome.
Category:Transcripts