School Uniforms

School Uniforms is the fourth episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom High. It premiered on May 22, 2021.
==Plot==
Mr. Apple revamps the dress code at the school, ordering all the students to wear uniforms.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens in Mr. Renaud’s Video Productions classroom.] 
Mr. Renaud: Alright, now let’s get this party started! [pulls down pants] 
[Suddenly, the speakerphone turns on.] 
Speaker: Attention, attention. All classes must come to the cafeteria immediately, for an important School Assembly meeting. 
Mr. Renaud: Aw man. [pulls pants back up] 
[Cut to the cafeteria, where Mr. Apple can be seen on top of a lunch table.] 
Mr. Apple: Hello, you may be wondering why I called you to this important meeting. 
[Cut to Mr. Hults, who is snoring.] 
Mr. Apple: Lately I have been noticing that many of our school’s attire is not appropriate for a learning environment. Take for example, Mr. Sullivan’s “Play Video Games, Fuck Bitches” shirt.
Mr. Sullivan: Aw come on, what’s wrong with fucking bitches? 
Mr. Apple: Nothing, absolutely nothing. I love fucking dogs just as much as the next apple - all kinds of pets really, I don’t discriminate. 
[The students blink.] 
Mr. Apple: You know, I’ve gotta be honest though. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I only got into it recently. In fact, our very own Mr. Renaud was the one who introduced it to me. I can’t believe I had lived my life so long without expecting the blissful pleasure that is a snail sucking your lengthy apple member. 
Sharko: This guy gets it! 
Mr. Apple: But enough about the wonders of beastility, I’m here to talk about the dress code! The problem I have with your shirt, Mr. Sullivan, is that it promotes video games, THE ENEMY OF MARINE LIFE! 
Mr. Sullivan: I thought music was the enemy of marine life. 
Mr. Apple: That’s ONE of the enemies of marine life! There are many, many enemies. Music, video games, socialists, giraffes, gumballs, Jews…
Mr. Pepperchicken: Right-on, Mr. Pepperchicken! The percentage I agree with you is the same as how straight I am! 100%! 
Mr. Hults: [turns to Mr. Pepperchicken] You agree with him that gumballs are the enemy of marine life? 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Of course! Do you know how gay it is to put balls in your mouth?! 
Mr. Sullivan: But what’s wrong with video games? 
Mr. Apple: They promote violence! 
Mr. Sullivan: Actually, studies show that video games make people less likely to be violent. 
Mr. Apple: Nope. And I have to say, I’m not too pleased with Mr. Pineapple’s attire either. 
Mr. Pineapple: What?! It’s just a shirt with pineapples on it! 
Mr. Apple: Exactly! How am I supposed to focus with that arousing attire in front of me? [suddenly his lengthy apple member pops out] See what I’m talking about?! 
Pearl: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of that for you, Mr. Principal! [gets up and runs towards the stage] 
Mr. Apple: No, no! I’m not into students! I’m into fruits and pets! Fruits and pets only! If you want to fuck a teacher, go to Mr. Renaud! 
Pearl: Oh come on, Mr. Principal! You know you want it! I’m called a sperm whale for a reason! 
Mr. Apple: NO NO NO! 
[Pearl dashes towards Mr. Apple, who runs away.]
Mr. Pineapple: [turns to Mr. Sullivan] This is a weird school. 
Mr. Renaud: [mutters to himself] Lucky bastard. Hmm… [goes up to the spot where Mr. Apple was] Travis, Dan, take off your clothes! It’s creating a hostile environment.
Mr. Pineapple: But—
Mr. Renaud: No buts! You know what, everyone, take off your clothes too!
[Every student gives a dirty look at Mr. Pineapple as they take off their clothes.]
Mr. Renaud: Just the way I like it!
[Mr. Apple comes back.] 
Mr. Apple: Oh good. You’ve all taken off your old clothes! Now you can put these new school uniforms on! 
Mr. Pineapple: I’m sorry...school uniforms? 
Mr. Apple: Yep! You’ll be much more productive this way!
[The students put on the uniforms.]
Mr. Sullivan: This thing doesn’t fit me!
Pearl: Me neither!
Mr. Sullivan: Why are they all in one size?
Mr. Apple: This one size fits all!
Mr. Sullivan: Come on, do you really expect a sperm whale and a human to fit perfectly into the same-size clothes?
Mr. Apple: Indeed. I mean, even though we’re technically different species, my GIRTHY APPLE COCK and Mr. Banana’s GIRTHY BANANA COCK can both fit into a strawberry!
Mr. Sullivan: I hate you.
Mr. Apple: Anyways, I probably took away too much of your class time. NOW GET BACK AND BE PRODUCTIVE!
[The students return to class.]
Mr. Renaud: Now that the assembly is over, we can get back to me fucking you guys! [grabs Mr. Pineapple and attempts to take off his clothes, but is electrocuted by a buzzer] AHHHH!!! What was that?!
Mr. Pineapple: [takes a closer look at the buzzer and reads a note attached to it] Hmm, it says that there’s a buzzer that “electrocutes anyone who attempts to take it off during school hours”.
Mr. Renaud: WHAT?! How could I continue CPTV if I can’t fuck my stars?!
Mr. Sullivan: Great! There’s something good coming out of this!
Mr. Renaud: Nope. I shall take this matter with the Principal.
[After school ends, Mr. Renaud walks in to Mr. Apple’s office.]
Mr. Apple: Hey, Paul, what could I do for you?
Mr. Renaud: Boss, you have to get rid of these school uniforms!
Mr. Apple: But why? They increase productivity!
Mr. Renaud: They DECREASE productivity! The uniforms prevent me from fucking my students! How could they be in CPTV then? If a student of mine doesn’t partake in at least CPTV production, they’re failing the class, so it looks like everyone is going to fail!
Mr. Apple: Hmm...how about we change the video productions curriculum to not include students taking off their clothes?
Mr. Renaud: Absolutely not. There’s no fun in that!
Mr. Apple: Well, I don’t care about fun, I care about PRODUCTIVITY!
Mr. Renaud: You think you’re so noble, trying to prevent me from getting my daily fix! Well, you know what, boss, you’re not getting yours either.
Mr. Apple: And what do you mean by that?
Mr. Renaud: I know you volunteer at the circus right after you leave this place! You like to work with the nude animals, but pretty soon, they won’t be nude!
Mr. Apple: How dare you treat your boss this way! YOU’RE FIRED!
Mr. Renaud: Okay? I don’t care! What’s the point of teaching when you can’t fuck children? Good riddance! [walks out]
Mr. Apple: [bangs his desk] Damnit! Ugh...calm down, Apple, no one at the circus will listen to him. I know my boss definitely won’t!
[Cut to the circus. Mr. Renaud gets out of his car and meets Mr. Fancyson, the owner.]
Mr. Fancyson: Paul, my dear friend, what brings you to the circus?
Mr. Renaud: Mr. Apple, one of your employees, is being a damn fool! He has no problem fucking the animals here, but he’s preventing me from fucking children at school!
Mr. Fancyson: Well, that’s sad.
Mr. Renaud: But you can change that!
Mr. Fancyson: How?
Mr. Renaud: [opens his trunk and takes out a bunch of school uniforms] You see, whenever I try to fuck a student, I get electrocuted by a buzzer on this thing. If we put these uniforms on the animals, we can prevent Mr. Apple from fucking them! We’ll give him an ultimatum—get rid of the school uniforms, or the animals will always wear uniforms.
Mr. Fancyson: Nope. That’s animal abuse. I proudly stand against that.
Mr. Renaud: Sir, you own a circus.
Mr. Fancyson: Ugh...the truth is, I have a thing for animals too. I can’t go a day without fucking them! I’m not willing to give that up, even if it’s for you!
Mr. Renaud: I’m sure that Mr. Apple would break sooner than you would. Besides, do you know what these school uniforms mean! Me not fucking children means no CPTV, and you’re our largest shareholder!
Mr. Fancyson: Fine...but I’ll only make the animals wear it for tonight’s show! If he doesn’t break by midnight, then I’m sorry Paul, but CPTV’s over.
[A few hours later, a crowd is gathering for the show at the circus arena.]
Mr. R’Onion: You can thank me for getting us these front-row tickets!
Mr. Pineapple: I mean, they cost $2,000 each, was it really worth it?
Mr. R’Onion: Absolutely! God, I love to see these animals get abused! It teaches them a lesson for the genocide they have waged on plants!
[Cut to backstage.]
Mr. Fancyson: Alright, folks, a friend asked me to put uniforms on the animals for tonight’s show.
Mr. Apple: Damnit, Paul!
Mr. Fancyson: Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t force all the students to wear uniforms! Now get on with it!
[Mr. Apple hesitantly puts uniforms on all the animals. He then whips them to march towards the arena.]
Mr. Fancyson: For our first act, a cat, a tiger, and an elephant will go through a ring!
[The crowd cheers.]
Mr. Fancyson: Hmm...not enthusiastic enough. How about I SET IT ON FIRE!
Mr. R’Onion: WOOHOO! I LOVE THE CIRCUS! I WOULD PAY $10,000 MORE FOR THIS SEAT!
Mr. Fancyson: Great! [takes out a ring and sets it on fire] Mr. Apple, do the thing!
[Mr. Apple is deeply staring at the cat’s ass, covered by the uniform]
Mr. Fancyson: I said, Mr. Apple, DO THE THING!
Mr. Apple: Oops, sorry!
[Mr. Apple whips the cat, who jumps through the ring with ease.]
Mr. Fancyson: Time for the tiger!
Mr. Apple: Aw man...
[Mr. Apple whips the tiger, who jumps through the ring with ease.]
Mr. Fancyson: Time for THE KING OF THE CIRCUS, THE ELEPHANT, to jump! In 5, 4, 3, 2—
Mr. Apple: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
[Mr. Apple takes out his girthy apple cock and shoves it into the elephant’s ass, which automatically electrocutes him. The elephant then repeatedly starts smacking him with his trunk.]
Mr. R’Onion: Two animals getting abused at once?! Nothing can beat this!
Mr. Pineapple: Uh, Mr. R’Onion? I think the thing getting electrocuted and smacked is Mr. Apple.
Mr. R’Onion: Oh.
[Cut to video productions class tomorrow morning.]
Mr. Sullivan: Great news, guys, I heard Mr. Renaud got fired!
Mr. Hults: Cool! I hope they haven’t hired a new video productions teacher yet, I could really use a nap!
Mr. Sullivan: I sense this is the beginning of a new era—
[Suddenly, the speakerphone turns on.] 
Mr. Apple: Greetings, students. In light of an incident last night, students are no longer required to wear uniforms. Furthermore, Mr. Renaud will be re-hired as the video productions teacher.]
Mr. Sullivan: Nevermind.
[Suddenly, Mr. Renaud walks in.]
Mr. Renaud: Alright, kiddies, it’s time to take off your clothes!
[The episode ends as the students take off their uniforms.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom