BDSM 7: Farming For Compliments/Transcript

Cachinko: Greetings, comrades! Welcome back to another exciting episode of Blissful Duty to Serve the Motherland! The edutainment show that helps serve the fatherland! Last episode, our comrades helped establish a colony near Stonebud to bring our neighbours even closer together. If you remember, Central Committee, I myself proved a true model worker by settling any disputes I had with comrade Peaco! Anyhow, Edible Straw was automatically eliminated due to his stern reluctance to travel away from the beautiful town of Spundlefruit, which is understandable, but sadly ill-fits our duty to serve. What service will our volunteers perform today? Just wait and find out! But don’t neglect your duties to this town!  Salutes Spundlefruit survives!
BDSM intro plays
Cachinko: So! Are you ready for today’s exciting community project, comrades?
Pendletome: Hmph. You know by now that such menial labour is ill suited to the noble class.
Soda Spider: SHHH! Don’t you know what happens when you say things like that?!
Oil Lantern: Quit your bellyaching! If he wants to do things his way, let him and he’ll learn the consequences in a Newhorn minute!
Soda Spider: For the last time, nobody understands you, capitalist foreigner.
Oil Lantern: Suits me fine. Sooner or later, you nitwits shall appreciate my system the hard way.
Suddenly, agents of the Coalition Of Necessary Cruelty surround Oil Lantern and beat him up.
Manga: Ah-ha… A conflict has risen already! It’s only a matter of time before good crumbles down like a Jenga tower from a 2 dollar store!
Cachinko: Please, comrades, let me speak. As I was saying, my friend Ammonitey has had trouble growing potatoes to feed our community. This is the same reason why we’ve had to eat asphalt recently.
Parrot Figurine: I still don’t get why, like… We couldn’t have just gone to a fast food joint out of town.
Blue kind of Vegetable: Don’t be silly, Parrotty! We eat what we produce! Not what underpaid capitalist victims produce!
Cachinko: Now that we’ve harvested potatoes from a crashed produce truck, we can now help plant them and put food on the table again! Isn’t that exciting??
Goodwill Sandal: Are you SERIOUS?! I can’t take any more jobs!!! The community psychiatrist says if take on one more job, my body will suffer a total organ failure! AAAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!
Cachinko: Come now, Goodwill Sandal, isn’t the privilege of serving Spundlefruit reward enough?
Liquorice Glue: The privilege serving The Central Committee, you mean.
Cachinko: I beg your pardon?
Liquorice Glue: Face it. You don’t care about serving this armpit of the earth. Your sole source of motivation is the fleeting chance that you get to serve the embezzling bigwigs who resent you and line their own pockets from this town’s hard work. It’s sad, really. You’re like a starving fluke trying to latch onto a Crown Of Thorns Starfish.
Cachinko: WHAT?! NO! THAT’S-THAT’S
Wasphive: So, are we gonna do this stupid farmer’s work for them, or are you gonna make us waste more of our time standing here?
Cachinko: Um.. Ah-One more thing, Violent Ambassadors. By popular demand, you have been granted a new partner to help you out! Looks to the distance Come on out!
The sound of numerous metallic steps hail the arrival of a foul, lengthy creature bound in a pitch-black exoskeleton and eyes burning with hate.
Goodwill Sandal: W-what in Trotsky’s name is THAT?!
Phosphorous Eggy (Terrified): A Foldback Clip Centipede. Some of the most aggressive and bad-tempered creatures to ever exist. I thought they were hunted to extinction!
Cachinko: Well, lucky for us, The almighty Central Committee managed to locate and capture the last remaining one! They figured it would make a great mascot for the show, so here we are! Anything you’d like to say to your new teammates, FCC?
Foldback Clip Centipede: I butchered my captors like pigs. Don’t think the same won’t happen to you.
Cachinko: Um… Sweats Foldback Clip Centipede, everyone!
Absolute (Ignoring a choir of shushing from her comrades): Boy, you’re absolutely HIDEOUS!
FCC crawls over and glares at the yellow clay triangle. After the most agonizing of silences, he takes a massive chomp out of Absolute and leaves a dent on her.
Absolute: Ow. Okay, I am definitely in GREAT PAIN!!! AAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Cachinko: Right! Now that introductions are out of the way, let’s get to farming, people! Spundlefruit survives!
Contestants: Spundlefruit survives…
==The challenge==
Ammolite: Okay, Small Sunstones! If we’re going to farm, we need to get down and dirty! No baby equipment for this team! (Raises hands) We are plowing these fields with our BARE HANDS!
Phosphorus Eggy: That is inadvisable, Ammolite. The capitalist pigs have a nuclear plant not too far from here, meaning they likely use this area as a dumping ground. It would explain why this soil isn’t fertile anymore.
Ammolite: Well, we know what to do then, Sunstones! We will dig out this nuclear waste with our BARE HANDS! Who’s with me?!
Absolute: ABSOLUTELY! (Starts tearing up the soil.)
Liquorice Glue: Look at them. To think they have the balls to crudely imitate the capitalist beast we all sought to escape with this “leadership.” The very essence of greed that’s roosted in this town is now sharpening its wicked talons upon their pitch-black souls…
Goodwill Sandal looks up and glowers at the bucket.
Goodwill Sandal: Must be nice to be able to sit around and slack off feeling sorry for yourself! You edgy poetry writers are nothing but rust on the old gears of society!
Liquorice Glue: Whatever helps you crawl back home, wage slave.
N: Guys, guys! It’s no big deal, really! In the end, society won’t change no matter what you do! It doesn’t matter how much elbow grease or emo poetry you put into it!
GS and LG glare at N.
N: What? Did I say something?
==The other team==
Wasphive: Okay, freak. If you ever want a chance at gaining our trust, you better start pulling your generous weight!
Foldback Clip Centipede: What makes you think I want YOUR trust, waxface? From what I’ve heard, you’re just a bunch of petty, squabbling animals pretending to get along!
Oil Lantern: A prime result of this troubled system, ladies and gentlemen.
As Oil Lantern gets mercilessly stung, Cat Cage steps forth.
Cat Cage: Look, whether you like us or not, you’re with us. So as far as I see, you can either remain in your little plastic shell, or reach out and make things better f-Morphs into a lion head ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRR-ll of us!
Pendletome: Pray tell, it may not be any of my business or responsibility, but shouldn’t you all focus on making this farmland usable?
Wasphive: Oh, don’t you even START, moneybags! You want to get stung?!
Oil Lantern: Well… *Ow* He’s got a point. We’d better get this soil working whether we like it or not. Since it’s obvious we can’t work together, we’ll each do *Ow* different individual jobs far away from each other. VERY FAR.
Foldback Clip Centipede: Y’know, I like the way you think. I’ll take care of the soil.
Foldback Clip Centipede wades through the dirt, creating precise grooves with his jagged body.
Wasphive: Freak. Alright, I’m going to have my wasps search the town for any potatoes we can grow.
Pendletome: What on earth are you doing?! We have plenty of potatoes here!
Wasphive: I know you rich people make up for your lack of IQ with cash, so all you need to know is that lovingly nurtured commie potatoes will taste much better than disgusting mass-produced capitalist ones.
Pendletome: Alright… Suit yourself. Pendlebook shakes his head as he sprinkles gold leaf out of a jewelled vial onto the fertiliser, calls it a day and drives off in his billionaire car.
==The other other team==
Blue Kind of Vegetable: Ahh… Takes a deep breath before grabbing an old hoe This is the kind of simple life I live for. I presume every Carbon-Neutral Angel has an idea on what to do?
Soda Spider: I can help sow the seeds like I sowed the seeds of Spundlefruit’s economy. Back in my day, every citizen knew each other like a brother, and was willing to put every last drop of blood, sweat, and tears into helping this town grow. It was all great until… (Trails off)
Blue Kind of Vegetable:…Thank you, Soda. What about the rest of you?
Parrot Figurine: I don’ feel like doin’ nuffin. I’m sooo… (Yawns) tired. Can I jus’ sleep… (lies down on the soil and starts dozing off.)
Blue Kind of Vegetable: Oh… That’s okay. What about you, padlock?
Padlock stands up and towers over BKOV.
Padlock : 𝑀𝐸? 𝐻𝐸𝐿𝒫 𝒴𝒪𝒰? 𝐿𝐸𝒯 𝑀𝐸 𝒯𝐸𝐿𝐿 𝒴𝒪𝒰 𝒜 𝐿𝐼𝒯𝒯𝐿𝐸 𝒜𝐵𝒪𝒰𝒯 𝑀𝒴𝒮𝐸𝐿𝐹, 𝒮𝑀𝒜𝐿𝐿 𝒪𝒩𝐸. Flexes
Blue Kind of Vegetable: Not again…
Padlock: '𝐼 𝐻𝒜𝒱𝐸 𝒜 𝟤 𝑀𝐸𝒯𝐸𝑅 𝒯𝐻𝐼𝒞𝒦 𝐵𝒪𝒟𝒴 𝑅𝐸𝐼𝒩𝐹𝒪𝑅𝒞𝐸𝒟 𝒲𝐼𝒯𝐻 𝒜 𝒯𝐼𝒯𝒜𝒩𝐼𝒰𝑀 𝐵𝒪𝒟𝒴 𝒜𝒩𝒟 𝑅𝒰𝐵𝐵𝐸𝑅 𝒢𝒰𝒜𝑅𝒟𝒮. 𝑀𝒴 𝒮𝐻𝒜𝒞𝒦𝐿𝐸 𝒲𝒜𝒮 𝐹𝒪𝑅𝒢𝐸𝒟 𝐼𝒩 𝟧 𝐹𝒰𝑅𝒩𝒜𝒞𝐸𝒮 𝒜𝒩𝒟 𝒞𝒜𝒩 𝒮𝒰𝒫𝒫𝒪𝑅𝒯 𝒯𝐻𝐸 𝒲𝐸𝐼𝒢𝐻𝒯 𝒪𝐹 𝒜 𝒮𝒦𝒴𝒮𝒞𝑅𝒜𝒫𝐸𝑅. 𝑀𝒴 𝒟𝐸𝒮𝐼𝒢𝒩 𝑀𝒜𝒦𝐸𝒮 𝐼𝒯 𝒮𝒪 𝒯𝐻𝒜𝒯 𝐼𝐹 𝒜 𝐵𝒪𝑀𝐵 𝐹𝒜𝐿𝐿𝒮, 𝒲𝐻𝒜𝒯𝐸𝒱𝐸𝑅 𝒟𝒪𝒪𝑅 𝐼'𝑀 𝒜𝒯𝒯𝒜𝒞𝐻𝐸𝒟 𝒯𝒪 𝒮𝒯𝒜𝒴𝒮 𝒮𝐻𝒰𝒯 𝒲𝐻𝐼𝐿𝐸 𝒯𝐻𝐸 𝑅𝐸𝒮𝒯 𝒪𝐹 𝒯𝐻𝐸 𝐻𝒪𝒰𝒮𝐸 𝐼𝒮 𝐵𝐿𝒪𝒲𝒩 𝒜𝒲𝒜𝒴. 𝒮𝒪 𝒯𝐸𝐿𝐿 𝑀𝐸, 𝒮𝑀𝒜𝐿𝐿 𝒪𝒩𝐸... 𝒲𝐻𝒴 𝒮𝐻𝒪𝒰𝐿𝒟 𝒮𝒪𝑀𝐸𝒪𝒩𝐸 𝒜𝒮 𝑀𝒜𝒢𝒩𝐼𝐹𝐼𝒞𝐸𝒩𝒯 𝒜𝒮 𝑀𝒴𝒮𝐸𝐿𝐹 𝐵𝐸 𝒜𝒮𝒮𝐼𝒢𝒩𝐸𝒟 𝒯𝒪 𝐹𝒜𝑅𝑀𝐼𝒩𝒢?
Blue Kind Of Vegetable:…Manga?
Manga: OHOHOHO! Strikes a dramatic pose So the hero has to rely on the villain for help when all other help is lost? What a ironic twist of fate! He must now betray his morals like a fat man controlling himself at a buffet!
Padlock: Strangles Manga with a glistening, muscular foot 𝒴𝒪𝒰 𝒯𝒜𝒦𝐸 𝒯𝐻𝒜𝒯 𝐵𝒜𝒞𝒦! ...𝒜𝐵𝒪𝒰𝒯 𝐹𝒜𝒯 𝒫𝐸𝒪𝒫𝐿𝐸. 𝒲𝐻𝐼𝒞𝐻 𝐼 𝒜𝑀 𝒩𝒪𝒯.
Parrot Figurine stirs from his sleep.
Parrot Figurine: What if… We jus’ use… One of them drones or somethinzzzz...
Blue Kind of Vegetable: TECHNOLOGY?! picks up PF to a rude awakening Listen here, Parrot. Listen closely. Technology is the box of EVIL! It has spawned capitalists, online salesmen, Oil Lantern… The Carbon-Neutral Angels have always remained switched off, and it will forever stay that way! Please tell me you understand that! PLEASE!
Soda Spider: And conflict erupts once again… I wonder how things would’ve been if that day hadn’t happened…
==The system works, guys. I swear it!==
Cat Cage: All right, Cat Cage. You have a simple job here. The tools are there. You just have to  sow the seeds and not GRRRRRRR-avitate towards your urges. P'icks up a shovel and takes a deep breath. This would be so much easier if Wasphive wasn’t such a ROOOOOOAAAR-yal pain-
Cat Cage looks down and realises she’s snapped the shovel in half.
Cat Cage: Okay, don’t panic! Grabs a hoe. Keep calm! Even if Pendletome’s smug elitism makes you want to disem-GROWL him… Uh oh.
Meanwhile, Oil Lantern is perched on a skyscraper, trying to get good reception.
Oil Lantern: Heh heh heh… Those simpletons have no idea that I’m actually a capitalist spy trying to undermine their system! But I’ll have to help them for now to blend in…
His phone vibrates.
Ah-hah! Watercoin’s economy is going strong! I’ll just buy a few shares, let capitalism do its magic, and buy those commies the best damn water they’ve ever-wow, that’s a steep drop in value. No problem. All I have to do is wait, and-YAH! WHAT HAPPENED?! IS THERE A MARKET CRASH OR SOMETHING?! (looks everywhere) GAH, no time! I better sell before it’s too late!
No sooner does Oil Lantern panic sell his shares, Watercoin immediately rises in value.
Oil Lantern: Are-are you kidding me?! No, it’s okay. I’ll just wait for this wave to pass, then I’ll buy low, sell high.
The stock line suddenly spikes
Oil Lantern: $105K per share… They could’ve been MY shares… *SNIFF*
The line continues rising.
Oil Lantern: GAH! I CAN’T MISS OUT ON THIS!! (Oil Lantern sinks the rest of his money into Watercoin shares, which immediately drop in value.)
Oil Lantern: The system works, I tell you!
==Back to greener pastures==
Liquorice Glue: Hey. Disgustingly colourful rock. Some of our teammates are getting radiation sickness. Not that I care or anything, I just wanted to let you know the Reaper’s soon coming for all of us. Maybe I’ll finally be happy…
Ammolite: Nonsense, Liquorice! They’re just getting lightheaded over the prospect of serving our country!
Goodwill Sandal: I̶͈̗͉͚̼̪͚̙͋́̐͋ ̧͚̳̙̞͈͈̘̗ͭ̇́͌́̾̇ͩH̯̰̺̗͕͙̔̎̿ͧ͑̂̏̎͠Aͬ̏͌ͥ͐ͬͤ͜҉̭͍̘̳̺̮V̼̪͖̺̬ͣ̇̍͜͟E̸̹̪̖̞ͥ̉̓̓͜ ̝̬̱ͫ̍̈́͜Ť̮̠͔̄͊́ͭͪ͡W̉̑̐̿̔͏̼̹̳̲̦̲̦̕ͅȮ̸̴̢̪̞̭͗͗ͩ͑ͧ ̨ͣ͆ͫ̐͂͗҉̦̜̰͚̼̲͙͓̝F̈̑̋ͮͪ̂͏̟̥̲̕A͇̟̰̪̘̦̥ͤͧͧͤ̈ͤ̚͜C̛͓͇̹̝͕̝̻͗̀ͪ͢͠Ę̘̠̰̘̯͈̓̈̉ͯ͐̌̚͡S̸̛͖̩̗̬͍͛̂ͤ̆ͪͫ̇ͩ
N: Well, you know what they say, GS! Two heads are better than one! I’m sure that will outweigh the fact that you’re permanently scarred and will terrify any and all friends and family you meet!
Goodwill Sandal sobs with his 3 tear ducts.
Absolute: You’re right, Ammolite! Pain is just weakness-
Absolute's arm falls off
…Leaving the body!
Digs twice as fast with one arm
Phosphorous Eggy: OPEN YOUR EYES, AMMOLITE. We’re all dying from radiation sickness, and this soil has been made useless since… Reads the barrel 1981!
Ammolite: Okay, okay. What’s your answer to this?
Phosphorous Eggy: I don’t know. This situation is unsaveable, the way I see it. Nature has long since dictated we’d fail.
Ammolite looks around, spotting an exposed barrel, the pile of potatoes, and Absolute sprouting a replacement arm. He then grabs all nearby barrels and starts digging.
Phosphorous Eggy: What are you doing NOW?
Ammolite: GETTING DIRTY!
==Results==
Cachinko: Time’s UP, comrades! Let’s see what you’ve made for us! (Goes to the Violent Ambassadors) Alright! What… What happened here?
Cachinko looks around to find a bag of fertilizer sprinkled with gold leaf, a mountain of suspiciously nice potatoes with stinger-shaped punctures, a shipping container filled with disgusting polluted river water, a pile of broken tools and a whole bunch of foldback clip-shaped soil. 
Cachinko: Comrades, you were supposed to work together. As you’ve displayed, farming doesn’t work unless you work TOGETHER. I suppose we could eat those nice potatoes, but it’s an unfortunate waste of what could have been.
Cachinko moves on to the Carbon Neutral Angels
Cachinko: Are you serious?! There’s barely any potatoes planted! *Sigh* Honestly, BKOV, you deserve better.
Soda Spider: This TOWN deserves better…
Cachinko, defeated, moves on to the Small Sunstones. She looks up and her eyes pop out as she gazes at a literal potato tree.
Cachinko: Why… Knocks the tree and 6 potatoes drop down By Stalin’s spleen, this is incredible! We can have a community feast with this! Sunstones win!
The sunstones perform celebrity squat dances with varying levels of enthusiasm.
Ammolite: Nuclear power is amazing, isn’t it?!
Liquorice Glue: Yeah, destroying the environment and making this black, oozing sore of a town radioactive always puts a smile on my face.
Cachinko: And just like that, comrades, you can expect a delicious potato feast for all tonight, thanks to my show! That includes YOU, almighty members of the Central Committee! So, uh… Maybe I could get my own budget now? Either way, the Violent Ambassadors lose this episode, so be sure to vote and tune in to the next exciting episode of Blissful Duty to Serve the Motherland!
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