Episode 206: Nancy Walker/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 206: Nancy Walker.
==Cold open==
 	The guest star's dressing room. Scooter enters.
Scooter 	Nancy Walker, 13 seconds to curtain! Stand by, Miss Walker!
Nancy Walker	Are you kidding, stand by? I can't even stand up!
 	Timmy Monster is pinning her to the ground.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Nancy Walker!
 	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
 	Statler and Waldorf enter their box late.
Waldorf	Hurry up, they're starting!
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet fires off two gunshots.
==Opening act==
 	Fozzie enters the main stage, talking to someone offstage.
Fozzie 	But I can't! I don't know what to do!
 	Scooter pokes through the back curtain.
Scooter	He said it was up to you. (leaves)
 	
Fozzie 	(groans, then notices the audience) Oh, oh! Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hey, uh... Maybe you can tell that I am not, uh, Kermit the Frog. You see, just moments ago Kermit went home. He's not feeling very well. Uh, so he left me in charge.
Statler	Oh no, did you hear that? I wonder how sick the frog is.
Waldorf	Well, if he put the bear in charge, he's very sick.
Fozzie 	Give me a break, guys, huh? Uh, look, we'll still have a great time tonight, because I know exactly what to do... Uh...
 	Silence as he realizes he does not. Scooter peeks through the back curtain again.
Scooter	(stage whispering) Talk about Nancy Walker!
Fozzie 	Oh yeah, oh yeah. Uh... (clears throat) Tonight's wonderful guest star is the very talented lady of song and comedy, Miss Nancy Walker. (to the curtain) Now what?
Scooter	Introduce the opening number.
Fozzie 	Introduce the... Oh, yeah. Uh, here is the opening number! (freezes)
Scooter	Leave the stage!
Fozzie 	Oh, yeah, yeah. Be gentle, I'm new at this.
 	
 	Crazy Harry and a troop of Whatnot soldiers blow up houses, trees and airplanes to the tune of "Night Train." They blow a hole in the wall beside Statler and Waldorf's balcony.
Statler	Oh, for once we got a blast out of something on this show.
Waldorf	Yeah, but how do you dig a foxhole in a theater box?
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie comforts a Whatnot soldier being carried offstage in a stretcher. Scooter is at Kermit's desk.
Fozzie 	Oh, boy... You'll be OK. Oh, I hope the damage wasn't too bad.
Scooter 	Hey, Fozzie?
Fozzie 	Hm?
Scooter 	Kermit's on the phone. He wants to talk to you.
Fozzie 	Oh, oh, thanks a lot, Scooter.
Scooter 	You nervous with all your new responsibility?
Fozzie 	Ha! Me, nervous? Are you kidding?
 	Scooter leaves. Fozzie holds the phone rest to his ear.
Fozzie 	Hello? Hmm? Wha...? Oh! (realizes, picks up the real phone) Oh, hello, Kermit. Oh, hi. Yeah. Uh, the opening? Oh, great, yeah. Everybody got a, uh, big bang out of it. Mmm. Huh? Oh, don't worry about Nancy Walker. I'll give her a classy introduction. Sure, sure, sure. Everything's under control.
 	Enter Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Hey Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hm?
Gonzo 	Fozzie, what's on stage next?
Fozzie 	I don't know. What's on stage now?
Gonzo 	Nothing.
Fozzie 	Nothing's on stage?!
Gonzo 	Nothing out front either. The audience is leaving.
Fozzie 	The audience?!... The aud... The... (leaves for the stage)
 	The audience members, including Zelda Rose, Shakey Sanchez, and Catgut, are indeed leaving. Fozzie enters the main stage.
Fozzie 	Wait, wait, please wait. Oh, come back, please, everybody! We have a lot more show left, honest.
 	General chatter as the audience returns to their seats.
Fozzie 	Oh. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, listen. You'll love this next part. Yeah. It's guest star time, ah! And we have for you the incredibly talented, unforgettable... The unforgettable... I forgot! (facepalm)
Statler and Waldorf	Nancy Walker!
Fozzie 	Of course! Here she is, Miss Nancy Walker in... Wait a minute. I'm in this next sketch! Uh, Scooter!
 	Enter Scooter.
Scooter 	(muttering) What, what, what?
Fozzie 	Uh, fill, fill, fill.
Scooter 	Well, what should I say?
Fozzie 	Ah, whatever. I gotta go put my costume on. (exits)
 	
Scooter 	But, but... Oh, hi everybody. Uh, uh... Listen. I'm selling magazine subscriptions to win a skateboard at school, and, uh, I was wondering if I could interest anybody out there in 72 issues of Field and Farmer for only five…
 	Fozzie peeks through the back curtain, wearing a paper hat.
Fozzie 	All right, Scooter, all right, enough. I'm ready.
Scooter 	Oh, uh... Well, then, uh... Then here's Nancy Walker... I guess.
==Luncheon counter==
 	Fozzie is behind a luncheon counter. Nancy Walker enters to applause and sits on a stool next to the Luncheon Counter Monster.
Fozzie 	Oh. Hello, and uh, what can I do for you today?
Nancy 	I'd like a menu, some water... (glances at the monster) and a whip.
Fozzie 	Don't worry, his bark is worse than his bite. (hands Nancy a menu)
Nancy 	If he barks, I'm leaving.
Fozzie 	One water coming up.
 	Fozzie sets an empty glass in front of Nancy and leaves. The Luncheon Counter Monster eats it while Nancy inspects her menu. Fozzie returns with a water pitcher.
 	
Fozzie 	Uh... (clears throat) Where's the glass?
Nancy 	What glass?
Fozzie 	"What glass?"
Nancy 	I asked you first.
Fozzie 	Uh, look, I put a glass right here.
 	The Luncheon Counter Monster eats the menu Nancy set down.
Nancy 	I'll fess up. I ate it.
Fozzie 	Gonna be one of those days. (sighs, leaves)
 	The Luncheon Counter monster smashes the pitcher and eats it. Fozzie returns, humming, with another glass.
Fozzie 	Now wait a minute. What is going on here?
Nancy 	What's the matter?
Fozzie 	What'd you do, break it? Where's the pitcher?
Nancy 	What pitcher?
Fozzie 	"What pitcher?"
Luncheon Counter Monster	She asked you first.
Fozzie 	You stay out of this! Now look, I know I put a pitcher right here.
Nancy 	Maybe you just think you did.
Fozzie 	I don't think, I know.
Nancy 	I don't think you know either!
 	The Luncheon Counter Monster eats the second glass.
Fozzie 	Look, all I know is that I put a pitcher and a second glass of water here. And now the second glass is gone?!
 	Fozzie looks around frantically. The Luncheon Counter Monster starts to eat Nancy's scarf.
Nancy 	Alright, do me a favor, will you? Just get the menu back here please.
Fozzie 	I didn't take the menu away! (groans)
Nancy 	Listen... I can understand somebody swiping two glasses and a pitcher, but will you tell me two things?
Fozzie 	What?!
Nancy 	Who would take a menu... and why is the air conditioning being turned on in December?
 	They both notice the Luncheon Counter Monster.
Nancy 	You know what I think?
Fozzie 	Mm-hmm. I think you're right.
Nancy 	Come here.
 	Fozzie leans in and Nancy whispers something to him.
Fozzie 	Worth a try. (clears throat) Hey, uh, hand me that tray of stuff there, will you, cook?
 	The Swedish Chef hands hims a tray of glassware from the kitchen.
Swedish Chef 	(Mock Swedish babbling)
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah, whatever.
 	Fozzie sets the tray in front of the Luncheon Counter Monster.
Fozzie 	(humming) Hey, look at the time, I gotta go wax the oven.
Nancy 	Oh. Well, I'd better go paint the garage.
 	They both leave. The Luncheon Counter Monster eats the contents of the tray, then Nancy and Fozzie sneak up on him. The Monster cowers.
Nancy and Fozzie 	Gotcha!
Fozzie 	A-ha! You don't think we know what you're doing, huh?
Nancy 	Yeah!
Fozzie 	Yeah, we saw you!
Nancy 	Yeah!
Fozzie 	Yeah, we know exactly what you're doing!
Nancy 	You bet! You're hogging the whole place for yourself. Give me a bite.
 	Nancy bites into a cup.
Fozzie 	Whaa?
 	Nancy pulls up part of the counter.
Nancy 	You ever tried any of this?
 	She eats it. Fozzie is stunned. She puts some in his mouth.
Nancy 	Mmm. This is good. Everybody eats!
 	Nancy and the Luncheon Counter Monster continue to eat the counter and glassware. Fozzie stares into the camera.
Waldorf 	Yeah, boy, that Nancy Walker's a great actress, isn't she?
Statler 	Yeah, but I wouldn't want to take her to dinner.
 	They laugh.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo is talking on the phone as Fozzie enters with a clipboard.
Gonzo 	Hey Kermit, Fozzie's really doing a terrific job with the show tonight. Oh, the opening number was sensational. Oh, those holes in the theater will be easy to fix. And you should have seen the way he got the audience to come back after they started to leave.
Fozzie	Gonzo! What are you doing to me? (grabs the phone)
Gonzo 	Wha? I was only trying to tell Kermit what a great job you're doing!
Fozzie	I'll tell him. I'll tell him! Give me the phone!
 	Fozzie wrestles the phone away from Gonzo.
Gonzo 	(screaming) All right! (leaves in a huff)
Fozzie	All right! All right, At The Dance everybody. (on the phone) Oh, hi, Kermit. Listen, I got to make an introduction. I'll be right back and explain everything. Oh, boy! Oh.
 	Fozzie sets down the phone and leaves. Miss Piggy, in her Vets Hospital garb, enters and picks up the phone.
Piggy 	Hello, Kermie, is that you? Oh, Kermie, I was just going to call you. Yes. I'm dedicating the Veterinarian's Hospital sketch to you. (kisses) Love of my life. Au revoir.
 	Enter Rowlf dressed as Dr. Bob.
 	
Rowlf 	Hey, Piggy, we can't do the hospital sketch. Fozzie just introduced At The Dance.
Piggy 	At the Dance?
Rowlf 	Mm-hm.
Piggy 	I promised Kermit the hospital sketch. And that is what we're going to do!
Rowlf 	OK, but we better get out there. The sketch is starting.
==Veterinarian's Hospital At the Dance==
 	Piggy enters through the side door and it hits her on the rear.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
 	Piggy joins Rowlf and Janice at the operating table. A Whatnot is the patient. At the Dance is being held simultaneously, complete with the chandeliers, theme music, and dancing couples.
Piggy 	Dr. Bob, what is this man suffering from?
Rowlf 	Uh... I don't know, maybe it's rumbatism. (laughs)
 	Floyd Pepper and a female Whatnot dance into the foreground.
Floyd's partner	Oh, do you come here often?
Floyd 	Mmm... (looks around) ...only to have my appendix out. (laughs)
 	They leave. Piggy shakes her head.
Janice 	Wow, Dr. Bob, there are dancers in this operating room. What should we do?
Rowlf 	What else? The foxtrot.
 	Rowlf and Janice dance.
Piggy 	Dr. Bob! This is an operating room. We've got to be serious now.
Rowlf 	Why? We've never been serious before. (laughs, along with Floyd)
Janice 	Really, really...
Female Whatnot 	Are you the doctor?
Rowlf 	Well, that's what I tell people.
Female Whatnot 	Well, would you remove a large growth from my toe?
Rowlf 	Sure, what is it?
Female Whatnot 	(nods to her partner) Him.
 	All laugh.
Janice 	Wow...
 	Fozzie peeks in the side door, covers his eyes.
Floyd 	Hey, uh, by the way. How come we're dancing in an operating room?
Floyd's partner	Because... Although the song will soon be over, the malady lingers on.
 	All laugh.
 	
Announcer 	And so, Dr. Bob has gone to the dance. Tune in next week and hear Miss Piggy say...
Piggy 	This sketch is a disaster, Dr. Bob! What should we do?
Rowlf 	What else? A big finish!
 	A chandelier falls on Piggy. Everyone else laughs.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie and Scooter are at Kermit's desk.
Fozzie 	Oh, I don't believe that. Oh, Scooter, the show is falling apart. I practically blow up the theater, then the audience starts to leave, and now two sketches go on at the same time. Oh, boy.
 	Janice and Rowlf come offstage.
Rowlf 	Way to go, bear!
Fozzie 	(groans) Oh, Scooter, what else can go wrong?
Scooter	Well, the crew's talking about quitting.
Fozzie 	What?
Scooter	You know, the stage hand, the prop man, the lighting man.
Fozzie 	Ugh...
Scooter	I think you'd better talk to them.
Fozzie 	Well, all right. Who do you think I should talk to first?
 	The lights dim.
 	
Scooter	Maybe you better start with the lighting man.
Fozzie 	I think you're right. Harvey!
 	Fozzie runs off into the dark and falls over something.
Fozzie 	Aaah!
==UK spot==
	
	UK Spot: Berlington Bertie sings "My Old Dutch," assisted by Rowlf on the piano. The song even brings Statler and Waldorf to tears.
==Birds==
	
	A man listens to the singing of several birds, including his own pet bird that's in a cage, until a Giant Chicken crashes through his wall and puts him in the cage.
==Dressing room==
 	Fozzie is with Nancy Walker in her dressing room.
Fozzie	Hey, I just wanna tell you, I know the show has been a little shaky, but I've got everything under control now, Miss Walker.
Nancy 	Miss who?
Fozzie	(embarrassed) Oh, Walker, isn't that right?
Nancy 	Oh, yeah. Come on, I was only kidding. Anyway, the show isn't that bad.
Fozzie	It isn't?
Nancy 	No, I mean look, the audience liked it. They all came back, they stayed.
Fozzie	Yeah!
Nancy 	Very clever of you to lock the doors.
Fozzie	(sigh) That's cruelty to bears.
Nancy 	Listen, as for the, uh, sketches being done at the same time...
Fozzie	Yeah...
Nancy 	Do you know how many times I've seen that done?
Fozzie	How many? How many?
Nancy 	Never.
Fozzie	Oh...
Nancy 	You know what I do when things don't go right?
Fozzie	No.
Nancy 	Nothing's impossible, I have found
For when my chin is on the ground
I pick myself up, dust myself off,
And start all over again.
Fozzie	Yeah, but...
 	Nancy pulls him into a hug and continues singing "Pick Yourself Up."
Nancy 	Ah, don't lose your confidence
If you slip, just be grateful for a pleasant trip
And pick yourself up, dust yourself off, 
And start all over again.
 	Nancy gives Fozzie a kiss.
Fozzie	Oh... oh, thank you, thank you, Miss Walker. I feel terrific now!
 	
Nancy 	Well, I'm glad you're happy.
Fozzie	Yeah!
Nancy 	But listen.
Fozzie	Hmm?
Nancy 	That's just a song. Your show's in a lot of trouble.
 	Fozzie covers his face.
==Editorial==
 	A trumpet fanfare plays as Sam the Eagle steps up to his podium.
 	
Sam 	(clears throat) I would just like to say a few words about nudity in the world today. And I, for one, am just appalled by it. Why, did you know that underneath their clothing, the entire population of the world is walking around completely naked?! Hmm? Is that disgusting? And it's not just people, although, goodness knows, that's bad enough. But animals too. Even cute little doggies and pussycats can't be trusted. Underneath their fur, absolutely naked! (grunts) And it's not just the quadrupeds either! Birds, too! Yes. Beneath those fine feathers, birds wear nothing. Nothing at all! Abs... (looks down at himself)
 	Sam covers himself and sheepishly exits.
Waldorf	How do you feel about nudity?
Statler	Well, personally, it always left me cold.
 	They laugh.
==Dressing room==
 	Nancy is in her dressing room. Piggy enters.
Piggy	Miss Walker, I was wondering if I could borrow your hairbrush.
Nancy	Oh, of course, sweetheart. Come on in.
Piggy	Oh, thank you so much. You know, I certainly do appreciate this, Miss Walker.
Nancy	Oh, just call me Nancy.
Piggy	(gasp) Oh, I knew it. I just knew you'd be nice.
Nancy	Why? 'Cause I let you use my hairbrush? Big deal.
Piggy	No, no, because of those parts you play on television. I just knew you'd be an overly considerate, protective, mother-type person. I just knew it.
Nancy	Uh, well, I'll tell you the truth, I'm no more protective of people than anybody else.
Piggy	Oh?
Nancy	I mean, that mother thing is an act.
Piggy	Oh.
 	The phone rings. Nancy answers it.
Nancy	Hi. Oh, hello, Kermit.
Piggy	Oh, Kermie, my Kermie. He's sick.
 	
Nancy	You're sick? Oh. Well, listen Kermit, here's what I want you to do. Yeah, I want you to drink lots of liquids. No, don't eat anything. Starve a fever, feed a cold, right? Get into bed, turn the electric blanket up way up high, and I'll be right over with some chicken soup. Listen, what have you got? Flu?
Piggy	Oh...
Nancy	What kind?
Piggy	Oh dear...
Nancy	No kidding, that's the worst.
Piggy	Oh no...
Nancy	He's got the swine flu.
Piggy	Oh-- (stops, realizes) Swine flu?? Swine flu?! Take... Take this, frog!
 	Piggy karate-chops the phone stand off the table, disconnecting it. She leaves.
Nancy	I think we have kind of a bad connection here.
 	Miss Piggy slams the door behind her and screams.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie sits at Kermit's desk. Scooter enters holding a paper.
Fozzie 	(groans)
Scooter	Hey Fozzie, it's time to introduce Nancy Walker's musical number.
Fozzie 	Oh, Scooter, you do it. I can't go out on stage again. I'm too ashamed. Everything's gone wrong.
Scooter	Well, maybe this will cheer you up.
Fozzie 	Why, what is this, what is this? (takes the paper)
Scooter	Well, just read it!
 	
Fozzie 	Oh, all right. "Dear Fozzie, I just want to tell you what a pleasure it was to work with you on your show. You're really terrific. The frog's been holding you back. Nancy Walker." Aaah!
Scooter	You ready to do the introduction now?
Fozzie 	Oh, I sure am! I feel great! (kisses the paper) There. You can read it if you want to. (leaves for the stage)
Scooter	I don't have to read it. I wrote it.
=="They Can't Take That Away from Me"==
 	Main stage. Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Heeey! And now, ladies and gentlemen, I take great pride in presenting our wonderful guest star...
 	Enter Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Psst, Fozzie, don't forget her name this time.
Fozzie 	Gonzo, I will not forget her name.
Gonzo 	It's Nancy Walker.
Fozzie 	I know it's Nancy Walker.
Gonzo 	That's "Nancy". Rhymes with "fancy."
Fozzie 	I know, I know.
Gonzo 	"Walker," rhymes with "talker."
Fozzie 	Gonzo, I have it! (sigh)
Gonzo 	And it's "Nancy Walker," not "Fancy Talker."
Fozzie 	Gonzo, I know the guest star's name is Nancy Walker. I remember Nancy Walker. I will not forget the name. (leaves Gonzo alone onstage)
Gonzo 	Okay! ... You forgot to introduce her.
Fozzie 	Ahhhh! (chases Gonzo offstage)
 	
 	Nancy Walker and Sweetums enter in tails and top hats.
Sweetums	The way you wear your hat
Nancy 	The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
Both 	No, no, they can't take that away from me.
Nancy 	The way your smile just beams
Sweetums	(chuckles)
The way you sing off-key
Nancy 	(hits Sweetums with her hat)
The way you haunt my dreams
No, no, they can't take that away from me
We may never...
Sweetums	Ever...
Nancy 	...meet again...
Sweetums	On the bumpy road of life.
Nancy 	Still I'll always, always
Keep the memory...
Heaven!
 	Tap dance break.
Nancy 	The way you hold your knife
The way we dance til three
Sweetums	...four, five, six, seven.
Nancy 	The way you change my life...
Sweetums	Change my socks! Change my brain!
Nancy 	No, no, they can't take that away from me
Both 	No! No, they can't take that away from me!
==Goodnights==
 	Fozzie stand in front of the main curtain.
Fozzie 	Uh, yeah, well everybody, I mean, what can I say? Uh, you know, it's not been much of a show, and, uh, you've probably had a lousy time. And, uh, Kermit will probably fire me...
 	Enter Kermit with a pack on his head.
Kermit 	You're fired.
Fozzie 	Kermit! Wha-what are you doing here?
Kermit 	Well, I figured Nancy Walker deserved at least one decent introduction.
Fozzie 	Oh, Kermit, I'm so glad to see you. (kisses him multiple times)
Kermit 	OK, OK, OK, you're hired again!
Fozzie 	Aaahh.
Kermit 	Let me just do the introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Miss Nancy... (sneezes)
Fozzie 	Ah! You blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker! Yeah, yeah!
 	Nancy comes onstage and puts an arm around Fozzie.
 	
Nancy 	Listen, Kermit. Don't worry about a thing. I had a wonderful time.
Kermit 	Oh yeah?
Nancy 	It was nice working with what's his name... the bear.
Kermit 	OK, we'll see you all next time on... (sneezes)
Fozzie 	Aaah! Come on, everybody! Yeah!
 	Fozzie and Kermit, plus Scooter, Piggy, and the Luncheon Counter Monster, surround Nancy as the credits roll and the theme song plays.
Waldorf	Wonderful, I loved it.
Statler	Who was your favorite?
Waldorf	Who else? The frog.
Statler	Mmm. (double take)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts