The Drawn Together Movie!: The Movie/Transcript

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
WOMAN:
Hey, ass bag! Give me another!
Listen, you've run up quite
a tab over the last few weeks.
-Why don't you say...
-Another shot, goddamnit!
Hmm. Oh!
(BURPS)
(GASPS) "Come to the booth in the back.
Act casual, fat ass!"
Who the hell is that?
Please, don't cause any more
trouble around here, Miss...
Whoa! (CRASH)
(CAT MEOWS)
All right, lady. l don't know
who you think you are, but l...
You've been busy.
(GASPS) Foxxy.
What the hell are you doing here?
We can't be seen together!
You'll get us killed!
Toot, you've got to come with me.
You're not safe here anymore, fatty.
What the hell do you care?
You're the reason we're in this mess, Foxxy.
lf that's even your real name.
Of course it's my real name.
You don't know that!
You don't know anything.
l know this.
(BOTH MOANlNG)
(SPlTS)
l deserved that.
You deserve to die.
Toot, l can't change the past,
but l can change the future.
l met somebody who could
help us get our lives back!
Oh, yeah? Well, l've met someone, too.
l've met a man who loves me for me,
a man who's willing to cheat on his wife
because he's a closeted homosexual
who thinks l'm a man!
A man who refers to my vagina
as a manhole.
Toot, Clara's dead!
(GASPS) Clara? She... She's...
Dead, yes. l sorry.
Oh, my God! l can't believe it!
She was so... So...
Now which one was Clara again?
She wasn't that little fugly
battle monster thing, was she?
No, the princess.
(GASPS) How'd she die?
The same way we all gonna die!
l.S.R.A.E.L. !
(GASPS) l.S.R.A.E.L.?
That's why you need to
come with me before it's too...
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Your location's been compromised!
Get out of there now!
-We gots to go!
-Forget it, Foxxy.
l'm not... Aah!
Goddamnit! They followed you here!
Head towards the back of the bar!
(GUNSHOTS, ALL SCREAMlNG)
(RECORD SCRATCHlNG)
(GUNSHOTS, ALL SCREAMlNG)
Take a right! Go up the stairs!
(FOXXY GROANS)
What now, Wooldoor?
Oh, is that Wooldoor? Tell him l said hi!
WOOLDOOR:
Oh, hey, Toot
how you doin'? Go straight!
Straight? But we on the roof!
Just do it!
(BANGlNG)
Wait, what are you doing?
Stop! l can't fly without my feather!
(BOTH YELLlNG)
The key's got to be here somewhere.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
We're gonna die!
Got 'em! Let's go!
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
Ah, we made it.
Hey, Toot, baby. Where you goin'...
Aah! Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
Stop, stop! That's the man l love!
We can't! There's no time!
Barney!
(BEEPlNG)
Huzzah!
(CAPTAlN HERO TALKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY)
Hey, hey, hey.
Great googly moogly!
Whee!
Don't make me suck your dick!
Guys, you suck.
l love racism!
A Jew in our backyard!
Ooh, l like that b*tch!
Flavor flav!
Up the butt?
Goddamnit!
(TOOT GRUNTlNG) l cut myself!
Surprise!
My special move is the reach around!
(BlRD SlNGlNG)
Ahh. Good morning, people and Foxxy.
lt's a lovely day to be on a reality show.
And it's a great day to deny wetting the bed.
Which l did not do!
Ooh, it's also the perfect day to
stay in bed and snuggle all day!
Hey, we should have
another piata party tonight!
But, uh, this time we should get a real piata.
Guys, there really is nothing better
than being on a reality television show!
Nothing!
-PRODUCER:
Attention, housemates.
-Ooh.
This is the Jew Producer speaking.
Please report to the living room
for the next competition.
Competition? Ooh!
Wait up, guys, l'm almost ready.
(GlBBERlSH)
Now l'm ready. Whee!
Good morning, housemates.
Today's competition is
pretty self-explanatory.
lt is?
(PUPPlES BARKlNG, KlTTENS MEOWlNG)
Put on the heels,
step on the puppies and kittens,
and the person who crushes the most
by the time l come wins the coveted, uh,
l don't know, let's say, uh, immunity from
next week's final judgment ceremony night?
Jew Producer,
this competition is ridiculous.
lt almost sounds made up.
That's why you're going to lose. Suck it!
And go!
(ALL TALKlNG AT ONCE)
l thought l had a good chance to win.
l made more bloody fur than
menstruation time at Mount Holyoke.
(ALL TALKlNG AT ONCE)
And it's time!
Ooh! That felt good.
Ehh!
Oh, yeah. You guys did an excellent job.
Oh, oh!
(ZlPPER)
Wait, Jew Producer.
You didn't even tell us who won.
Oh. Um, the winner is, uh,
who hasn't won in a while?
Let's say that guy in shorts there.
Congrats. Here's your immunity,
uh, scented candle.
Booya! You can all suck it, b*tches.
That's right, number one, numero uno.
:Foxxy Love: [confused] Something ain't right here. The Foxxy smells herself a mystery. [the other housemates laugh except Foxxy] What's so funny?
:Spanky Ham: Come on, Foxxy. It's time to give up trying to redeem yourself.
:Princess Clara: Yeah. For weeks, you've been trying to make up for botching that mystery at the amusement park.
:[the scene flashes back to the amusement park where Foxxy is talking to Old Man]
:Foxxy Love: [confronting Old Man] Mr. Wilkinson here denies being a supervillain. But let me ask you this, if you ain't not a supervillain, then why would you need a bulletproof face? [pulls a shotgun and shoots the Old Man in the face, while the citizens gasp. The Old Man's wife suddenly shows up]
:Old Man's Wife: [Saddened at her husband's death] Oh, Henry! Hang in there, Henry. Don't give up on me, you hear? Don't you give up on me. It's not your time yet. You're a fighter, damn it! Now fight, fight!
:Foxxy Love: Damn! I was 40% sure he had one of them bulletproof faces.
Foxxy Love, you're the worst
mystery-solving musician that's ever lived!
Yeah. The only case you ever
cracked was the display case at Zales.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, oh, l got one.
:Wooldoor Sockbat: Foxxy, the only thing you're good at is giving head, and you managed to do the opposite!
:All: (Laughs)
:Spanky Ham: Oh, yeah. Good one, Wooldoor.
:Foxxy Love: You too Wooldoor?
:[Foxxy runs away crying and Wooldoor feels sad]
Hey, champ.
l'm sorry about what l said before.
l was just trying to fit in.
Nah, Wooldoor, you was right about me.
l ain't no good at mystery solving.
That's not true.
You're the bestest mystery-solving
musician in the whole wide world!
l don't... (GROANlNG)
Shut the hell up.
Foxxy, l brought you a special someone
that l think will really cheer you up!
(GASPS) Papa?
You can come in now!
-Mrs. Wilkins?
Aah!
(GRUNTlNG)
Get her off! Get her off!
Silly Foxxy. Mrs. Wilkins is post-menopausal.
lt's impossible to get her off.
(RlMSHOT)
You'll pay for what you've done! Damn you!
:Foxxy Love: What the hell is wrong with you, Wooddork?!
:Wooldoor Sockbat: There is no good explanation for what I've done.
:Foxxy Love: You are clearly out your fuckin' mind!
:Wooldoor Sockbat: I'm sorry, I'm really...
:Foxxy Love: (gasps) Did you hear that?
:Wooldoor Sockbat: What?
:Foxxy Love: You out your fuckin' mind? I said fuck, and they didn't beep it! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! [gasps] What about shit? What about c***? What about ? [gasps again] No beeps! They ain't beeping the curse words! [to Wooldoor] Ooh! Go on, try it! Say something!
:Wooldoor Sockbat: Okay. Uh, schwartza. Mud baby. Smoked Irishman. Ink face!
:Foxxy Love: Nah, dummy, they never censor racism. I'm talking about words like "".
:Wooldoor Sockbat: Ooh, I could never say that. Those are bad words.
:Foxxy Love: Ooh, if they ain't beeping, maybe they ain't blurring nothing. Quick, fool, whip it out!
:Wooldoor Sockbat: What?
:Foxxy Love: Show me your cock.
:Wooldoor Sockbat: I thought you'd never ask. (unzips his pants off) Whee!
:Foxxy Love: Oh, Wooldoor, you've been holding out on me!
:Wooldoor Sockbat: Whoa! I've actually never seen my penis unblurred before. It's way blacker than I thought it would be.
:Foxxy Love: You know what this means? I was right! There is a mystery to be solved. And I's gonna solve it. Thanks, Wooldoor.
:Wooldoor Sockbat: So, little fella. let's go get you a burger. Whee!
All right, ante up.
Deuces and one-eyed jacks are wild.
Wait, Spanky!
We can't start guys' night without Hero.
Well, if l had some mystery hottie,
l wouldn't be hanging around
with you schmendricks, either.
Our special guy time is
far more important to Hero
than being with some cheap floozy
who probably doesn't even
secretly eat his toenail clippings,
so at least a little part of
Hero can always be inside him.
Never fear! Captain Hero is here!
To play poker with the guys.
Oh! l knew you'd come!
(FLlES BUZZlNG)
Uh, Hero? ls that a dead girl?
Oh, hey, everybody, this is Molly.
She's my girlfriend.
Molly, is it ok if l call you my girlfriend?
l know l probably
should have asked you first.
How did we meet, you ask?
Well, it's a tale as old as time.
Molly was being held against her will
by the evil legion of immediate
family mourners of doom!
(GASPS)
Back, you putrid, perverse purveyors of evil!
(ALL CRYlNG)
Captain Hero is here!
What? No, ma'am.
You don't need to repay me.
My reward is your safety.
A hand job, you say?
Well, l guess l do deserve one.
You're different from the others, aren't you?
Huzzah!
Ok, busted. We met on J-Date.
(SLURPlNG)
Hero, l can't believe you're doing this to me.
You're turning our guys' night
into a guys' nightmare!
How dare you! How dare all of you!
lf you can't deal with me being happy,
then you're not really my friends!
Come on, Molly, let's get out of here!
(CRYlNG)
(CRACK)
And so the Foxxy set off to solve the mystery
of why the f*** we wasn't censored no more.
And to prove to these
a**holes that l was a
serious
mystery solver.
And then, l made the most shocking
discovery of all that explained everything.
(GASPS)
(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Oh, Lordy!
:Foxxy Love: Guys, I solved a mystery.
:Princess Clara: The only mystery you've ever solved is the mystery of the empty uterus. [Everybody laughs except Foxxy]
:Foxxy Love: If that's true, then how did I found out that the Drawn Together had been cancelled?
:(dramatic music string)
:Wooldoor Sockbat: C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cancelled?
:Princess Clara: That's ridiculous!
:Captain Hero: Girl, you crazy.
:Spanky Ham: Poppycock!
:Foxxy Love: Oh, really? Then why can I say, "You can all fuck my titties with your shit-covered cocks, you cum-guzzling f*****!" without being beeped?
:(dramatic music string)
:Spanky: Yeah! How the fuck is... Whoa! I just said "fuck!"
:Captain Hero: Fuck! Oh, well, I'll be darned.
:Toot Braunstein: Dick-gobbling, blood-soaked, ass-eating turd taster! Whoo-hoo! This is fun!
:Ling-Ling: [in Japorean gibberish] If we not on TV anymore, then why have I been bleaching my anus?
:Princess Clara: Guys, we are not cancelled. This is Foxxy we're dealing with, remember? the worst mystery solver of all time. Everytime she tries to solve a mystery, someone ends up dead.
:Foxxy Love: Fuck you, Clara.
:Princess Clara: Don't talk to me like that, Jemima-head! I am a princess.
:Foxxy Love: Oh, yeah? Well, if you a princess, then why you got this chair in your face? [she hits Clara with a chair] Ta-dow!
:[Housemates are fighting in a cloud]
:Wooldoor: We can't be cancelled. We just can't. Can we? [He picks up a remote to turn the television on to go on TV guide spectrum to searching "Drawn Together" and he press a select button on a remote. TV guide is searching to confirmation] Searching. [TV Guide to confirmation it says "No search results found", which he is shocked as he dropped the remote on a floor and begins to weeping] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow, l need you to run downtown
and pick up a new pair of horn sharpeners.
Yes, dear.
Hey, after that, Jew Dad,
can we play a little catch?
Of course, Jew Son. Gosh, l love you.
l don't know what l'd do
if anything would happen to you.
Oh, how emotionally invested l am
in you staying safe and remaining alive.
As would anyone watching us right now.
(CELL PHONE RlNGS)
-Oh, no.
-Don't you dare answer that.
-lt's shabbat.
-But it's work!
lt must be important
if the boss is calling today.
l don't care if it's Moses himself.
Do not answer that.
Uh, l'll be right back.
(HUMMlNG)
Dude, l'm not turning
your lights on for you again.
No, my cell phone.
Just hit the green button so l can answer it.
l don't see why you
don't just answer it yourself.
lt's forbidden!
God's going to know you asked me to do it.
-No, he won't.
-Of course he will.
Well, then he'll appreciate my
cleverness in getting around his laws.
Now hit send before it goes to voicemail!
Fine. l'll do it.
But first, you need to say you accept
Jesus Christ as your lord and savior.
What? Are you insane?
Look, l'm not the one
trying to fool the Almighty here.
Now say you accept Jesus Christ,
and l'll answer your phone.
(GROANlNG) Oh, fine!
l accept Jesus Christ as my
lord and savior. Happy now?
Yep. Now you can answer
your own damn phone.
You're a f***ing dick, Eddie!
(GROANlNG)
Hey, boss.
You lied to me, Jew Producer.
What? Uh, no, l would never...
You told me after l canceled
Drawn Together, you erased them!
But l did! l swear!
Then how come the network
just got a call from one Foxxy Love
asking why no one told
them they were canceled?
Busted.
By keeping them alive,
you've put us all in great jeopardy.
-Let me explain...
-Too late for that!
l am sending a friend of mine
to pay them a little visit.
A friend?
Yes! The lntelligent Smart,
Robot Animation Eraser Lady!
Otherwise known as l.S.R.A.E.L. !
She will erase them all, forever!
(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(CHUCKLES)
Please, enjoy the rest of your Sabbath.
Oh, no. This is bad.
l need you to start my car, Eddie.
The network keeps transferring me around.
Nobody want to tell me nothing.
l can't believe we've been canceled.
l thought our ratings were pretty good.
No! No! Without the distraction
of the cameras,
l'll have nothing to keep me
from hearing the voices in my head!
Cut their throats and drink
the children's blood, Wooldoor.
Their youth will be your youth.
(DRAMATlC MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Oh, Molly, hold me!
(CRYlNG) Cup the balls.
-l'd cup.
-(HERO MOANS)
lf only he'd ask.
Oh, who the hell took our goddamn timeslot?
The Suck My Taint Show?
Let me info this.
...and taint sucking,
starring the loveable,
poignant Suck My Taint Girl.
We got canceled for that?
Uh, attention, houseguests.
Tonight's competition is...
Get in my f***ing trunk, or l will shoot you!
Yeah, we know we've been canceled.
Shut up, fatty. Now, everyone in my truck.
We're running out of time!
The Jew Producer's right! Toot is fat.
Yeah, he's got a point. l am fat.
Well, l ain't going nowhere until you tell us
why in the hell we was canceled.
Come on, guys.
Have you ever even seen your show?
lt's filthy, it's racist, and it has
a shocking lack of Dave Chappelle.
Yeah, he's got a point. l am fat.
Now get in my truck!
l'm trying to save you idiots!
Ah, save us from what?
(CRASH)
From that! lntelligent Smart
Robot Animation Eraser Lady!
l.S.R.A.E.L.? Why the f*** is it on
our land when we already live here?
To destroy you all! Now hurry!
(GASPS)
Prepare to be erased.
Run!
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
ALL:
Aahh!
Holy sh*t!
l.S.R.A.E.L. must kill you all!
Wait, wait, l'm sure
we can work something out!
I.S.R.A.E.L. must be
aggressive to survive!
lt's a common sense policy.
Come on, y'all! To the mystery van!
(ALL YELLlNG)
(MECHANlCAL LAUGHTER)
(GASPS) Molly!
She's still in the living room!
There's nothing you can do for her!
She's dead!
l've got to try!
(HUMMlNG)
Try
He really is delightfully retarded.
(ALL GASP)
l'm going to take that l.S.R.A.E.L. out!
Hold on!
Don't come any closer.
l.S.R.A.E.L. has boundary issues.
Kung fu, motherf***er!
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
(GASPS)
l've got to try!
(HUMMlNG)
Try
Huzzah!
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
Ooh!
(GRUNTlNG)
Try
(ALL YELLlNG)
Oh, no! The Drawn Together house, it's...
lt's gone!
Aah!
Oh, thank God you're ok!
(MOANlNG)
Oh, flick my balls. (MOANlNG)
Faster, Foxxy!
The l.S.R.A.E.L.'s right behind us!
My kingdom is only a couple miles away.
We'll be safe there!
No, you can't go home.
None of you can go home, ever again!
(ALL YELLlNG, TlRES SQUEALlNG)
You don't understand.
None of you are who you think you are!
What?
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
You trying to say l ain't really Foxxy Brown?
What l'm trying to say is you're all fakes!
Cheap knock-offs.
You're all parodies of the real thing
created just to be on Drawn Together.
Now that the show's over,
the boss wants you all destroyed.
-But why would he want...
:[the housemates are driving their van in the desert]
:Wooldoor: Look out!
:[The Road Runner appears in front of the van, which hits and kills him and crashes in the distance. Road Runner lies on the road dead, in a blood bath. Wile E. Coyote runs over to the Road Runner's dead body]
:Wile E. Coyote: Without you, my life really has no meaning. [he shoots himself in the head with a prop gun, and dies]
(GROANlNG)
Where is the Drawn Together gang?
I.S.R.A.E.L. must erase them!
They got away.
Looks like you screwed up, l.S.R.A.E.L.
You're in so much trouble.
You explain to boss what happened.
l.S.R.A.E.L. is sick of being blamed
for every little f***ing thing
that goes wrong in the desert.
Aah!
(ALL GROANlNG)
:Spanky Ham: Oh god, I was so scared. I mean, I wanted to go, "Whee, wee, wee, wee!", all the way home.
:Ling-Ling: [in Japorean gibberish] Do you think Jew Producer was telling truth? That I'm not really Pikachu?
:Princess Clara: Never trust a Jew producer. I'm obviously a real Disney Princess. If I weren't, why would I be so much better than all you people and Foxxy?
:Foxxy Love: Maybe the Jew Producer was tellin' the truth. I mean, Clara, you may look like a Disney Princess, but how many Disney Princesses have done the things you done done? 
:[cut to various shots of Clara doing un-princess-like things] 
:Foxxy Love: And how many times you seen Josie and the Pussycats do what I doed? 
:[cut to various shots of Foxxy doing things not befitting of Josie and the Pussycats]
:Captain Hero: Now, Foxxy, let's not jump to any conclusions here.
:Foxxy Love: C'mon, Captain Hero, how many real superheroes do you know that bang corpses?
:Captain Hero: I don't know. Molly, how many superheroes HAVE you been with? 
:[cut to various shots of Molly in sexual encounters with various superheroes, the last one in which Batman can be seen fellating Robin on a toilet]
:Foxxy: In fact, ain't no real cartoon characters would do any of the things we done doed!
:Toot Braunstein: Come to think of it, I don't behave anything like the real Betty Boop.
:Xandir: [sighs] Please, Toot. We're trying to have a discussion here?
:Spanky Ham: Yeah, really, Toot. Don't make this all about you.
:Ling-Ling: [in Japorean gibberish] She always does this.
:Wooldoor: This is horrible! We're cancelled and fake! Just like my child support checks.
:Spanky Ham: Oh, yeah, laugh it up, Wooldoor, but I.S.R.A.E.L.'s after us! No one can hide from I.S.R.A.E.L. What are we going to do?
:Foxxy Love: You heard the Jew Producer. They want us dead because we's cancelled. So if we can get Drawn Together back on the air, we can save our asses!
:Xandir: [scoffs] Yeah right, Foxxy. How you plan on doing that?
:Foxxy Love: I don't know yet. But we can start with that girl who stole our timeslot. The Suck My Taint Girl. She sound like she could help.
:[All talking at once]
:Princess Clara: Well, I'm not fake. So I'm going back to my kingdom. You're all welcome to join me. My father, the king will keep us safe from I.S.R.A.E.L.
:Xandir: I do like being safe.
:Ling-Ling: [in Japorean gibberish] Ling-Ling like safe too also.
:Captain Hero: Molly and I always dreamed of going to Disneyworld.
:Xandir: You said you'd take me to Disneyworld!
:Spanky Ham: Well, like a colostomy bag, I'm on Foxxy's side. I liked being a reality TV star.
:Wooldoor: Yeah! We need to get our show back. Otherwise, I'll have to go back to my old gig: exposing myself to children, and that union has THE worst health plan!
:Xandir: Fine! Then I guess we are splitting up. How do we decide who gets the mystery van?
:Toot Braunstein: Later, ass-bags! [She steals the van and drives off alone]
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
l'm sorry, sir. l couldn't let you
erase the Drawn Togethergang.
They were my creations, and l... l...
l loved them.
For Christ sake, Jew Producer!
They must be destroyed!
(THUNDER)
Tell me, boss, why do you
dislike the Drawn Togethergang so?
(SlGHS)
Because, they took my family from me.
They did?
l've never spoken of this before to anyone,
but with l.S.R.A.E.L. by my side,
l guess l feel safe.
:Network Head: My beautiful wife was taking our little girl Sasha to her first day of elementary school. They were singing something. Something pure, something innocent. Little Sasha was young and hadn't yet been burdened with the complexities and ugliness of life. But then she saw it.
:Sasha: Mommy, Mommy! What is that chocolate-face girl doing to the princess?
:Network Head's Wife: [gasps as she saw Drawn Together billboard, her last words before her death] No, no, no, no. Don't look at it, honey. Close your eyes! For God sakes, close your eyes!
:Sasha: [Her last words before her death] Mommy! The chocolate girl is eating the princess! She's eating her face! Why is she eating her face?! MOMMY!!
:[both screaming as car crashes as it falls into a dead end]
:Network Head: My wife lost control of the car and drove off a cliff! They landed in a deadly pit of alligators! Swimming in a pit of sulfric acid! By the time I arrived, there was nothing I could do...but get...revenge..!
Aah!
So, Jew Producer, it's not that l
dislike the Drawn Togethergang.
lt's that l hate those motherfuckers!
They took my family from me,
and l'll be damned if l let them
take my media empire!
(THUNDER)
Oh...kay. But still, l won't help you!
(CHUCKLES) l had a feeling
you would say that.
l.S.R.A.E.L. !
Jew Dad?
Jew Son?
Dad, l.S.R.A.E.L. forcibly removed me
from the only home l've ever known!
You will help l.S.R.A.E.L.,
or you'll feel what it's like
when something horrible happens
to your child! You hear me?
Or should l speak up?
(FEEDBACK)
Ow! Ah!
(YELLlNG)
Ok, ok! l'll find the Drawn Togethergang.
l'll help destroy them!
(CHUCKLES) l.S.R.A.E.L.,
l think the Jew Producer
will be more helpful now.
Off you go.
Destroy the Drawn Togethergang forever.
l.S.R.A.E.L. has gone nuclear.
:Princess Clara: [sighs] It's good to be home.
:Rhino Guard: Hold! [Clara gasped] Who goes there?
:Princess Clara: Guards, 'tis I, your Princess Clara. You may kiss my feet if you like. Oh, and once I'm inside, you can execute them.
:Xandir: [shocked; stammering] Wait, what?!
:Princess Clara: [laughs] Just kidding.
:Rhino Guard: Do you not know that impersonating a princess is a serious offense, punishable by death?
:Princess Clara: [slapped the rhino guard's finger] Do you not know that sucking my dick is a serious offense, punishable by FUCK YOU!? Now let us in at once or I'll have your children killed. [to the camera] Yeah, it's good to be home.
(FANFARE PLAYlNG)
(CROWD CHEERlNG)
Princess! Your Highness.
:Princess Clara: What the... [walks into the king, who is not her father at all] Who the fuck are you? [everyone gasps]
:King: I am the king!
:Princess Clara: The king? You are not the king. My father is the king, which makes me the princess.
:Real Princess: Father, I think this peasant has gone mad with the plague... [spinning around, during which time we get to see her vagina under her dress] for everyone knows I am the true princess of the land.
(ALL GASP)
My loyal, filthy subjects,
surely you a**holes recognize me.
lmposter!
(ALL YELLlNG)
(SlGHS)
Guys? l think the Jew Producer
was telling the truth.
l think l'm a fake.
l think we're all fakes!
Oh, my God. You know what l think?
Duh!
To the dungeon with them!
(WHlMSlCAL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
It ain't where it is and it ain't where it ain't
lt's a little stinky thing l call a taint
Why don't you suck it, why don't you suck it?
Why don't you suck my little taint?
It ain't where it was and it taint where it ain't
And it's something they call my stinky taint
Why don't you suck it, why don't you suck it?
Why don't you suck it?
-What the hell is this?
-This is horrible!
She's a little girl who sings about her taint!
lt's genius!
-Why don't you suck
-Why don't you suck
Why don't you suck her stinky little taint?
Why don't you suck
-Suck my taint
-Suck my taint
Suck my stinky little taint
-Suck my taint
-Taint
-Suck my taint
-Suck my taint
Come on and suck my stinky little taint
lt's the most beautiful thing l've ever seen!
Don't you see?
lt taint corporate greed,
and it taint the politicians
who have drained our economy.
lt's the lack of personal responsibility.
ALL:
Oh!
-That is so true.
-l never thought of that before.
l normally don't laugh at taint humor,
but this is wrapped in
such an important message.
Why don't you suck
-Suck my taint
-Suck my taint
Suck my taint
And when did it become a crime
to be passionate about your work?
So what if l love the characters l created?
Screw him, right?
And kidnapping my son, whoo, how tacky.
Not to mention clich!
You don't talk much, do you, l.S.R.A.E.L.?
I.S.R.A.E.L. taIks when
l.S.R.A.E.L. has something to say.
l'm just trying to pass the time, man.
Listen, l know you're a robot,
but don't you have feelings?
l mean, isn't it hard to destroy innocent
people that have never wronged you?
Everyone's wronged l.S.R.A.E.L.
Really? Wow.
lf that's the way you feel, maybe
we'd all be better off if you didn't exist.
l.S.R.A.E.L. has every right to exist!
Ok, ok, dude, relax.
Don't get so defensive.
I.S.R.A.E.L. need rest.
(HORNS HONKlNG)
Here? This is where you want to rest?
This is the single most dangerous place
you could be situated!
There are so many other
places you could be, l.S.R.A.E.L.,
that would be safer and
would cause less problems!
Why here?
I.S.R.A.E.L. shouIdn't have to Ieave.
Everyone else should leave.
They're the ones who are stupid.
Oy! l.S.R.A.E.L., you are a handful.
l'm sorry, Drawn Togethergang.
But l have to save my Jew son.
Oh, l.S.R.A.E.L., l think
l know where they are.
(SQUEAKlNG)
Oh, yeah.
l haven't seen this many sh*t-covered
rodents since my last colonoscopy.
-(RlMSHOT)
-Ta!
(CRYlNG)
:Xandir: [to a crying Clara] Oh, it's okay, Clara. So we're not who we think we are. So what, right?
:Princess Clara: So what? If I'm not a princess, then I'm just another beautiful virgin with real C-cups and a super-tight ass that continuously vibrates and tastes like wild berries. Who could ever love someone like that? [cries]
:King: Dungeon master, make sure the guillotine is not too far back on the stage. I want the people in the front row to have to wear rain ponchos.
:Princess Clara: My lord, perhaps you could see it in your heart to let me live here in your kingdom. And give me the opportunity to be the real princess I always thought I was. For I can be just as good as the officially sanctioned princesses in your kingdom. Allow me. [singing]
:Xandir: Yeah, Clara! She's doing it! It's working!...
:Princess Clara: [stops singing] For fuck's sake, Xandir! I'm trying to impress the goddamn king! And I can't fucking sing if you keep flapping those dick-sucking lips of yours!
:King: [Upon seeing Clara's strong language behavior] Guards, tomorrow, off with their heads!
:Princess Clara: [Panicked, grabs the king's coat] No wait! Please!
:Rhino Guardian: [Preparing to cut Clara's arms] Release the king, vile peasant!
:Xandir: Hero! Do something!
:Captain Hero: Oh, yes, of course. [ignoring Xandir, grabs a corpse Molly to close her eyes] Uh, you shouldn't see this, baby. I know how you are around blood and this could easily go that way.
:[The Rhino guard cuts Clara's arms off]
:Princess Clara: [scream] OH NO! OH NOOO!!! [screaming]
:[Rhino Guard throws Clara’s arms after she holds it]
:Captain Hero: Oh, you totally would not have been into that.
(HUMMlNG)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Excuse me, Suck My Taint Girl, we...
Oh, my goodness!
You guys are from Drawn Together!
Uh, l heard you were all erased.
-You know who we are?
-Well, of course l do, silly.
l'm, like, the taintest fan
of Drawn Together ever.
l tain't missed an episode.
Well, good, 'cause we need your help,
Suck My Taint Girl.
We was canceled,
and we need to get back on TV.
But of course you were canceled.
You guys were filthy and offensive
without ever having a point.
A p-p-p-pa... Pa... Po...
Po... Po... Poi...
Poi... Aah... Poi... Ohh...
Ohh... Ahh... Oint?
Yeah! You know, like social commentary.
Everybody knows that these days,
if you want to be raunchy and funny on TV,
you need to also be relentlessly preachy.
-Too bad we never had a point.
-Hey. Know what you should do?
You should go to Make-A-Point Land
and get yourself a point
from the MakeA-Point wizard.
You'll be back on the air in no time!
Really? Because if you're lying, l'll cut you.
l'll cut you to the f***ing bone.
Ooh! Can you take us to this
Make-A-Point Land, Suck My Taint Girl?
Well, l really shouldn't be seen with
you guys, but l could be convinced
if you introduced me
to the rest of the Drawn Togethergang.
Huh? What do you say? ls it a deal?
(CLARA CRYlNG)
No, Molly, you're the cutest.
No, you are! (CHUCKLES)
Watching Hero and his whorish
know-it-all girlfriend made me sick.
l had to get Hero to break up with Molly
so l could have my best friend back.
And l had just the plan.
(WHlSPERS lNDlSTlNCTLY) Got it?
Now, follow my lead, and don't f*** it up.
Uh, Xandir?
Wait, wait. Best friend in Ling...
(LAUGHlNG) Oh, God!
Asians are hilarious! (CHUCKLES)
Come on, Ling-Ling.
MAN:
Ling-Ling into depression go
He bIew his chance with Xandir
Xandir only have eyes for Hero
Ling-Ling die alone
What was that, Molly?
You have the perfect escape plan?
We'll be out of here in no time?
Really, Molly? Oh, that's awesome!
XANDlR:
When Mollyjust
lies there and does nothing,
we'll all be executed in the morning,
and Hero will finally realize
how lame his dead girlfriend is.
(CHUCKLES) l'm so clever!
(GASPS) Oh, l can't stand it!
Well, the guards are coming, Molly.
(CHUCKLES) We can't wait to see
your plan in action, can we, guys?
(FLY BUZZlNG)
Molly... Come on, do something.
You're embarrassing me
in front of all my guy friends.
(BUZZlNG)
Oh, maybe they were right about you.
Maybe we should just break...
-Whoa! That prisoner doesn't look so hot!
-She's pale, and that rat is eating her eyeball.
(BURPS)
We better do something!
(MUTTERS lNDlSTlNCTLY)
Ooh! (CHUCKLES) Clever, clever.
Psst! That guard outfit makes you look fat.
lt does? (WAlLlNG)
Oh, great! Now l'll have
to deal with that all night.
Ryan, wait up!
Molly, your plan worked like a charm!
Oh, l'm so happy!
Later on, l'm gonna let you
f*** me in the mouth!
-God damn it!
-Now, let's get out of here.
Hey, the prisoners have escaped!
(ALL SHOUTlNG AT ONCE)
:Xandir: Come on, Clara!
:Princess Clara: [refuses to go] No, I have nothing to live for anymore. I'm not a princess. Now go. I'll slow them down for you. It's the only way.
:Xandir: Thanks, Clara. You'll always to be a princess to me. Here.
:Princess Clara: No, you keep them. They're of no use to me now.
:Xandir: I'll treasure them always.
:Princess Clara: Wait, Xandir. Do me one favor. Live your gay life to the fullest.
:Xandir: Will do.
:Princess Clara: Everyday's a gift.
:Xandir: Gotcha.
:Princess Clara: And find that one special person.
:Xandir: Sure thing. Bye!
:Princess Clara: And hold him close, and tell him with all your heart. That you can't marry him. The Bible forbids it.
:Xandir: I really gotta go!
:Princess Clara: [Her last words before her death] Okay, bye. Don't adopt.
:[Xandir runs off and Clara stays behind and jams torches into her arm stumps, then makes a kamikaze dash into the pursuing line of guards. The guards end up killing her]
Give me those!
(GRUNTlNG)
(WHlNNlES)
(ALL CHEER)
Molly hath saved the day!
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(ALL SCREAM)
Holy f***, it's l.S.R.A.E.L. !
Uh, hey, guys, how are you?
Uh, l'd get the hell
out of here if l were you.
-Huzzah!
-(WHlNNlES)
(ALL SCREAM)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSlC PLAYlNG)
So tired. So very, very tired.
Don't you give up, fool horse.
We got to make it to the kingdom
to get the rest of our gang
so we can all get to Make-A-Point Land.
And then, we still need to find Toot.
This is a joke. We'll never find everyone.
(MUSlC STOPS)
l said, we'll never find everyone.
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Look! There them are-uh!
(ALL YELP)
And l.S.R.A.E.L. !
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Whee...
Are all together again!
Wait. Where's Clara?
Oh, Clara? She's dead.
(ALL GASP)
Oh, no.
-Yeah!
-Oh, good!
-Well, that takes the sting off.
-Her arms were always my favorite part of her.
Ashes to ashes, smurf to smurf.
l'm glad you're dead, you bastard!
l hope you smurf in hell for what
you did to me in front of my kids!
l hope you smurf in hell!
(SPlTS)
(CRYlNG)
lt's ok, sweetie.
Our long national nightmare is over.
He can't hurt us anymore.
The important thing is that you survived.
-We all survived.
-(CRYlNG)
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(BEEPS)
Say good-bye, Drawn Together!
No!
-(GRUNTS)
-I can't see!
-I can't see!
-(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
(JEW PRODUCER GRUNTS)
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Ugh! Holy crap! l can't open the door.
lt's stuck! We gonna drown!
(ALL SCREAMlNG AND SHOUTlNG)
Don't worry, people. l'll get us out.
(GRUNTS)
Yeah, there you are.
Uhh... That wasn't well thought-out.
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
(LAUGHS)
No!
l loved you!
(DlALS)
The Drawn Together gang is gone forever.
Ok. We're on our way.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Molly, this may be it for us.
Commentary.
-Commentary?
-Commonary.
They usually have director's
commissary on these things.
Let's listen to the commonary.
Maybe they'll tell us
how to get out of here.
lt's too late. We're all gonna die!
We have to try!
(SCREAMS)
Menu.
Commentary.
Commentary on.
And play!
MATT:
So, wow.
This movie just keeps on going.
-lt's, uh...
-l hear them!
-lt's a long thing... This movie...
-Help!
-How do we get out of here?
-Shut the f*** up and listen!
Actually might very well be a bad idea,
but, um, Dave...
Dave, he needed the money.
DAVE:
Well, Matt...
Matt married into money.
Who the hell would
ever want to listen to this?
MATT:
lt used to be money.
Now, nobody has money...
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Get to the point!
All right. So now we got,
uh, we got the gang,
we put them all in this pumpkin.
We put them underwater,
and originally, this scene
wasn't even in the script at all.
The only reason we did this is 'cause,
well, we both thought
that I.S.R.A.E.L...
We had to remind the audience that
l.S.R.A.E.L. is still chasing after them.
DAVE:
Well, you thought they had to.
l remember thinking
we didn't really need this whole scene.
We were going with a new
production company, and...
But l didn't want to fight with you.
l remember being so exhausted, at this point.
My wife was, like, 9 months pregnant,
and we were, like,
in the middle of moving, right?
MATT:
You're, like, the first person
that ever had a kid.
That's how you act.
DAVE:
(LAUGHS AND STAMMERS)
l actually remember...
l'm the first person that ever had a kid
and had to argue with you at the same time.
You have got to be shitting me.
MATT:
How the hell are we going
to get them out of this scene?
We don't have any ideas, and l think...
l'm pretty sure you're the one who's like,
"Hey, why don't they
just suck on Xandir's dick,
"and Xandir's dick's got oxygen,"
'cause you're always like... The first idea is,
"Hey, they can suck each other's d*cks!"
Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.
DAVE:
l think your idea was,
"What ifXandir poos oxygen?"
Oh, no. "What if he farts oxygen,
so they have to suck his ass?"
So yours was that much better.
-MATT:
That's smarter.
-Oh, for the love of God.
This is horrible!
I don't even remember
how we got out of this.
DAVE:
Oh, you know what it was?
(CHUCKLES)
This is how we come out
with a Iot of these scenes.
lt's, like, who haven't we used in a while?
Like, Ling-Ling? What if we pull his tail,
and he infIates Iike a raft?
-That's fine, that's fine.
-So theyjust do that.
MATT:
At a certain point,
it's just like "whatever."
Ooh, l gots an idea, gang.
Let's use Ling-Ling as an inflatable raft.
DAVE:
So, anyway, l guess if this
scene's going to be worth it at all,
maybe we should at least see Foxxy's tits.
-I'm in.
-But first,
let me take off my shirt.
(GRUNTS)
(LlNG-LlNG GRUNTS)
CAPTAlN HERO:
Whoa! Unh!
We made it! Whee! (LAUGHS)
Nice tits, Foxxy.
Good work, gang.
Now let's go find Toot.
FOXXY:
Now, the only one
we needed was Toot,
so we set off on ourjourney to find her,
a journey of excitement and adventure,
mystery and mayhem, love and loss,
a journey that carried us
to far-away lands
and taught us so much about
what was right here inside us all along.
A journey which would change us all forever.
And then, we found her fat ass.
Foxxy, what the hell are you doing here?
We can't be seen together.
You'll get us killed.
Toot, you got to come with me.
You not safe here anymore, fatty.
You don't know that.
You don't know anything.
l know this.
(LAUGHS)
ANNOUNCER:
Put on your 3-D glasses now!
(WOMEN GROANlNG)
FOXXY:
Yeah, girl.
That's what the Foxxy want.
(GASPS) One finger?
Girl, you got to come back when
you can at least kick in a big toe.
What are you guys doing? Making out?
Hey, lady, less talky,
more threesome action.
(MOANS)
(WOMAN MOANS)
(TOOT GRUNTS)
(WOMAN GROANlNG)
Yes! God damn it, l miss Drawn Together.
Hold on. Oh, my God!
Where do you want it?
Where do you want it?
Anywhere but the face.
l mean, that is really degrading to women.
l mean, you could really...
-l deserved that.
-You deserve to die.
WOOLDOOR:
Get out ofthere now!
(GUNFlRE)
Let's go! Go! Go! Go!
-(SQUAWKS)
-(NEEDLE SCRATCHES)
(GUNFlRE CONTlNUES)
(CLANGS)
Stop! l can't fly without my feather!
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
(BOTH GRUNT)
(BEEPlNG)
Got it! Let's go!
(DlNOSAUR GROANS)
(WOMEN SCREAM)
Burn in hell, you fat
f***ing homewrecking b*tch!
lt's a living.
(LAUGH TRACK)
:King: Outrageous! How did you think you were going to get away with this? A foul-mouthed clone of my daughter. What if some child actually thought it was her using the word shitcunt?
:Network Head: I understand. But we are taking measures.
:King: We are taking measures, too. Ooh! [an eraser bomb breaks into the window, his last words before he erased] What the...? [explosion]
Target has been eliminated.
Just to be on the safe side,
erase the whole place.
And get back here when you're done.
There's been a change of plans.
But sir, this is the happiest place on earth.
lt was the happiest place on earth.
(LAUGHS)
Erase it aII.
CHOIR:
lt's a world of laughter
It's a worId of sunshine
(SlNGlNG AND MUSlC DlSTORT AND STOP)
(GLASS SHATTERS AND METAL CLANGS)
FOXXY:
After we got Toot back from Bedrock,
we immediately brought
her to Suck My Taint Girl.
:Suck My Taint Girl: [gasps in excited] You're all here? Hooray! [notices someone missing] Wait, where's Clara?
:Foxxy Love: And so, we told Suck My Taint Girl the terrible news about Clara.
:Suck My Taint Girl: What?
:Foxxy Love: She took it pretty hard.
:[Suck My Taint Girl bawling]
:Foxxy Love: But after a long talk and respectful memorial service, [Confessional] Suck My Taint Girl agreed to take us to Make-A-Point Land, help us find the Make-A-Point wizard, get our point, get our show back on the air, hence redeeming myself for getting us all into this mess in the first place.
Uh, why did you say all that?
Sorry, giving confessionals
is a hard habit to break.
Well, it seems kind of crazy.
(GRUNTS)
You know what's crazy?
You ass-bags dragging me here.
When my Barney comes for me,
you'll all get yours.
(LAUGHS)
This is great and all, but can we
get going to Make-A-Point Land
before l.S.R.A.E.L. finds us?
Tain't no time like the present.
But remember,
there are lots of magical and mysterious
creatures in Make-A-Point Land,
and they don't take too kindly
to those who are disgusting
for the sake of being disgusting.
(ALL GRUNTlNG)
What? l'm sorry. l got distracted.
What were you saying?
l was saying it's time we go.
Let's taint the town brown!
(WHlRRlNG)
(ALL GASP)
Uh, question. Why is your ship
plugged into the ass of that animal?
(MOOS)
Oh, Mr. Ham. l'm so glad you asked,
because you're going to love this.
This ship is powered by... Wait for it...
Poo!
(FLATULATlNG)
A feces-fueled rocket ship? That's awesome!
Yep. This ship is an ear of corn
powered by bull sh*t
because, don't you see, ethanol is bullshit.
Oh, yeah. l get it.
l kind of liked it better when
it was just a sh*t-powered rocket.
(RUMBLlNG)
SECOND MAN:
T-minus 5, 4,
Liftoff.
(FLATULATlNG)
Well, l gotta hit the head.
Don't go changing while l'm away. (LAUGHS)
(SCOFFS) l am sick of it
just being the 2 of us.
Ohh.
Playing hot potato just sucks
without my beloved Hero.
And l love hot potato!
MAN:
Ling-Ling make sad realization
Xandir's heart is with another
if Ling-Ling really loves Xandir
like he says he does
He'll help Xandir get back Hero
(SCREECHES)
What? Molly!
You promised me we'd go to prom together!
l can't believe you would do this to me!
(CRlES)
Later
Guys, it's over between me and Molly.
(CRlES)
Oh, there you go. lt's ok.
Cry on my shoulder, darling.
-Hyah!
-Look, Make-A-Point Land!
Where? l can't see it.
lt's right over there between
Why-You-So-Bitter-
About-Being-Canceled Land
and You-Had-3-Or-4-Seasons,
You-Should-Be-Happy-With-What-You-Got,
Most-Shows-Don't-Even-Get-That Land.
Hold onto my taint, everyone!
lt's going to be a rough landing.
(FLATULATES)
(ALL SCREAM)
Here we are, Make-A-Point Land!
ANNOUNCER:
Put on your 3-D glasses now!
(DOOR WHlRS)
ALL:
Ooh!
TOOT:
3-D! The technology
of the eighties, but it's now!
(MUTTERlNG)
Whoa! Whoa!
(GRUNTlNG)
(lNDlSTlNCT)
(GRUNTS)
lt looks fake.
Let's move quickly, and don't
taint any attention to yourselves.
(WlND HOWLS) Huh?
-That's a fetus tornado.
-Huh? A fetus tornado?
Don't you see? People just go round and
round when it comes to stem cell research.
Well. Not as funny.
Ray-Ray 2 through 7! Mama love you!
-SPANKY:
Cool!
-(ROARS)
The Pfizersaurus Rex! Don't you see?
lf we keep listening to
the pharmaceutical companies,
one day, we, too, will be extinct.
Not so cool anymore.
Come on, gang. Let's keep moving
before we get spotted by
floating Tom Brokaw made of semen.
Floating Tom Brokaw made of semen?
What the f*** is his point?
Maybe that the media is dumb
and superficial and delicious?
Look! The wizard's palace!
(ALL SCREAM)
(ROARS)
(GASPS) Oh, no! lt's the Giant
Who Shits lnto His Own Mouth!
(ROARS)
(GULPS)
Fee, fi, fo, fums!
l smell pointless abominations!
(GULPS) l must kill you!
(ROARS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Wait, Giant Who Shits lnto His Own Mouth!
Now, l know my Drawn Togetherfriends
are stupid, pointless, crude creatures
of mediocre comedy.
That's why l brought them here.
To get a point. You can't kill them!
l can do anything l want! (GULPS)
Except get the taste of sh*t out of my mouth.
(GULPS)
Hold up, Giant Who
Shits lnto His Own Mouth.
You saying you don't like eating sh*t?
l eat sh*t all day, every day, 24/7.
Of course l don't like it.
(GULPS) But it's how l was born.
(SNlFFLES)
Well, what if we help you?
Then would you let us go?
Mmm-hmm. (GULPS)
(GASPS) lf only we had something
we could tie to the giant's head
to interrupt the flow of poop.
(BELL DlNGS)
(GASPS) lt's working! lt's working!
ALL:
Amen.
Hallelujah. Your way talking. Whoo!
l... l can't taste sh*t,
for the first time in my whole life!
Thank you! Oh, thank you!
l'm finally free! l can eat whatever l want now!
Anything!
That's right, Giant. Anything!
Uhh...
Would you sh*t in my mouth?
Well, guys, here we are.
ALL:
Ooh!
lmpressive.
Thanks, Suck My Taint Girl.
The Make-A-Point wizard's got to help.
He's just gotta.
Uh, any chance there's a
Wrap-This-Thing-Up-Already wizard in there?
l can't believe the MakeA-Point wizard
finally gave me my point.
Of course! l represent the
duality of goodness and martyrdom
and the unencumbered id that is repressed
when religion meets sexuality.
And crab.
-(SlGHS)
-Come on.
Let's get ourselves back on the air.
(ALL GASP)
Who has come forth seeking a point, hmm?
Your Majesty, l humbly present to you
what's left of the Drawn Togethergang.
Oh, my. You kids have
caused quite a bit of trouble.
Honestly, l don't
even think a point can help.
(CHUCKLES)
You Honor, dis is our only shot.
lf we don't get the Drawn Together
back on TV, we ain't never gonna be safe.
Please, Mr. Wizard. Without my TV persona,
l'm just another 33-year-old
schizophrenic drug addict
with jaundice and several deformities.
Fine, fine. Sheesh! l'll give you a point.
(DRAWN TOGETHER CAS CHEERlNG AND TALKlNG AT ONCE)
(LAUGHTER)
ALL:
Ohh.
WOOLDOOR:
lmpressive.
Well, this is it, y'all.
We's about to get our point,
get back on the air,
and things can finally
get back to the way they was.
(ALL CHEER)
(GASPS)
SUCK MY TAlNT GlRL: Don't you see?
Don't you see? Don't you see?
Wait! Maybe we shouldn't open it.
What the f*** are you talking about, Spanky?
Yeah! Just open it!
:Spanky Ham: This doesn't seem right. I mean, maybe we don't want a point. Don't you see? If I can't fart or vomit or fill up an ice tray with the afterbirth of Foxxy's miscarriage and hand them out as ice pops to terminally-ill children on my hospital tours without making some kind of point, then maybe it's just not worth it.
:Ling-Ling: [in Japorean gibberish] Maybe Spanky right. Ling-Ling rike belittling half world's population for no reason.
:Captain Hero: And I don't want to let dead chicks fuck me in my mouth for social commentary. I mean, what's wrong with just doing it 'cause it makes me feel good?
:Foxxy Love: And I sure do like getting pregnant for no reason. You know what? I agree with the pig.
:Toot Braunstein: Thank you.
:Spanky Ham: So, Mr. Make-A-Point wizard, I guess we don't want to make-a-point after all. Maybe, that's a point.
:Make-A-Point Wizard: Hmmm.
:Wooldoor Sockbat: [flips out and steals the point box from them as he's holding a gun] FUCK YOU, GUYS! I need Drawn Together! Otherwise, I don't exist!
:Make-A-Point Wizard: No! wait, it's a...
:Wooldoor Sockbat: [He open the point box and his last words before he erased] What the...? [it's an eraser bomb which blows up and erased him from existence forever, speaking backwards. After he's gone, a silhouette of his screaming face is seen crumbling away along with one last "WHEEEE!!!" being heard blowing away in the wind]
(ALL SCREAM AND EXCLAlM)
-Wooldoor!
-What the f***, wizard?
l'm sorry. l had no choice.
They said they'd kill me.
Who would kill you?
Hello there, Drawn Togethergang.
(ALL GASP)
lt's a pleasure to finally meet you face to face.
So you the dick that's been trying to kill us.
How the hell did you even
know we was coming here?
-l told them.
-(ALL GASP)
Suck My Taint Girl?
Roved you?
Drawn Together is the lamest show ever!
Watching it was like watching taint dry.
And if l let you get a point,
you might get your timeslot back.
Why the f*** would l do that?
(LAUGHS)
Damn that girl.
Like my lawn after a visit from that klansman
with short-term memory loss,
we've been double crossed.
-Nice work, honey.
-Thanks, Scott.
-Mmm.
-That's right. Suck my taint.
Damn you, Suck My Taint Girl.
You betrayed us.
And then, you didn't
even give us a fair fight.
Sometimes, l don't know if
you're an a**hole or a p*ssy,
or something in between.
(MOANlNG AND SLURPlNG)
Now, l.S.R.A.E.L.,
on behalf of my dead wife and
daughter from a previous marriage,
erase them all!
(THUNDER)
(WHlRRlNG)
Don't worry.
Barney will be here any second to save us.
l just know it.
At least we're going to die together,
Drawn Together.
(LAUGHTER)
Please, l.S.R.A.E.L., l know
they're obscene, pointless rip-offs,
but l... l... Love them.
-(COUGHS) F**.
Ahem. Jew's a homo.
Move, Jew Producer,
or l will destroy you as well.
You can't do this, l.S.R.A.E.L. Don't you see?
Even though everyone hates the Drawn
Togethergang, they have a right to exist.
Surely you understand that,
don't you, l.S.R.A.E.L.?
(WEAPON WHlRRlNG)
(WHlRRlNG STOPS)
l.S.R.A.E.L. doesn't want to destroy.
l.S.R.A.E.L. wants to peacefully coexist.
(SIGHS) That's all l.S.R.A.E.L. ever wanted.
ALL:
Phew.
No wonder everyone hates you, l.S.R.A.E.L.
You're so goddamn aggravating.
l said destroy them, you f***ing idiot!
That's it! I.S.R.A.E.L. wiII not Iet
you bully her around anymore.
-(GRUNTS)
-(lNDlSTlNCT)
(ALL CHEER AND EXCLAlM)
l.S.R.A.E.L. really is our greatest ally.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL GASP AND EXCLAlM)
That's a bit much.
l.S.R.A.E.L.'s going
a bit overboard again.
(GASPS AND COUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
Why in the hell are you laughing?
You're gonna die.
:Network Head: Because of this! [takes off his coat to reveal that he has many explosives on his stomach and chest while That's for Pure Mike Nichols song from The Kennedy Center Honors (2003) clip plays]
:[I.S.R.A.E.L. screams and she runs off and jumps out of the window]
:Network Head: [His last words before his death] I have enough E-5 to destroy all of Make-A-Point Land! Looks like I'll be enjoying the Drawn Together Gang in hell! [laughs evilly]
:Foxxy Love: You've gots some real weird sense of humor.
:Xandir: Hero! Do something!
:Captain Hero: I miss Molly! [bawling]
Looks like it's up to ol' fatass again.
Unh!
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS) Whoa.
That is totally not what l meant to do.
The Drawn Togethergang must die!
Oh, no, you don't! (GRUNTS)
Everyone, run, run!
Don't worry about the old...
Um, they left, like, 5 minutes ago.
-(ALL SCREAMlNG)
-Guys!
l haven't been laid in 6 months!
l have an erection right now,
and l don't know how long it will last!
l'm just putting that out there.
:Suck My Taint Girl: (grunts) Tain't yours! Taint give it to me!
:Jew Producer: OK, but first, give it to me! 
:Make-A-Point Wizard: [His last words before he erased] Don't you see? If people all over the world would just...
:[Jew Producer and Suck My Taint Girl accidentally drop the detonator as it presses a button]
:Suck My Taint Girl: [Her last words before she erased] Wuh-whoah.
:Jew Producer: [His last words before he erased] NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM!!!!
FOXXY:
Oh, Lordy!
F*** yeah! l'm going to
escape the f*** out of this sh*t!
Where the hell are you... Aah!
Oh, Barney!
l knew you'd come for me!
l just knew it!
Uh, yeah. Actually, l just came to tell you
l worked out everything with my wife.
So we have to end our affair.
Sorry. Here.
(RATTLES)
lt's a living.
(LAUGH TRACK)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, damn it.
(ALL SCREAMlNG)
Oh, Lordy! Oh, now what we gonna do?
Oh, my God! Get us the f*** out of here!
Help!
(SCREAMlNG CONTlNUES)
Hey, you guys!
(ROARlNG)
(GRUNTS)
(ALL CHEERlNG AND TALKlNG AT ONCE)
ANNOUNCER:
Take offyour 3-D glasses now.
:[Last scene, the housemates visit the remains of the erased Drawn Together house]
:Ling-Ling: [in Japorean gibberish] So, this is all that's left of the Drawn Together house.
:Spanky Ham: Yeah. but at least still alive, thanks to you, Giant Who No Longer Shits Into His Mouth.
:The Giant Who Shits Into His Own Mouth: It's the least I could do. I wish there was some way I could help you get back on the air.
:Jew Son: I think I can help.
:Xandir: Jew Son! Oh, I'm so sorry about your father.
:Jew Son: It's OK. He died saving those he loved.
:Spanky Ham: [coughs] F**.
:Captain Hero: [coughs] Jew's a homo.
:Jew Son: And now that he's gone, I'm taking over the family business.
:Ling-Ling: [in Japorean gibberish, his last words before he erased] Really?! Can you give us our show back?
:Jew Son: Uh, I don't think so, but I do have a surprise for you. 
:Foxxy Love: [gasped in excited] Papa?
:Jew Son: Even better! I pulled some Jew strings. And I think I can get you. A Direct-to-DVD movie!
:Foxxy Love: [gasped in excited, Her last words before she erased] For real-real, not for play-play?
:Jew Son: [his last words before he erased] Yes, Foxxy, for real-real, not for play-play.
:[Housemates cheering in thrilled]
:Captain Hero: Well, no offense to you guys, but I don't want to be in a Direct-to-DVD movie if it doesn't have a happy ending.
:Xandir: [his last words before he erased] Hero! Look what I found! [Ling-Ling found dead Molly]
:Captain Hero: Molly! Oh, I love it when she does that.
:[I.S.R.A.E.L. flies down]
:The Giant Who Shits Into His Own Mouth: Hey there, baby. how you doin'?
:[I.S.R.A.E.L. laughs]
:The Giant Who Shits Into His Own Mouth: [his last words before he erased] You like shitting in people's mouths, right?
:[I.S.R.A.E.L. laughs]
:Captain Hero: [his last words before he erased] What, Molly? Of course, I'd love to let you fuck me in my mouth, but not tonight, 'cause tonight is guys' night.
:[All laughing in happily, but then Spanky accidentally steps on an eraser bomb]
:Spanky Ham: [his last words before he erased] Ah, .
:[The bomb then exploded, erasing Spanky Ham, Captain Hero, Foxxy Love, Xandir, Ling-Ling, Toot Braunstein, Giant Who Shits in His Own Mouth, I.S.R.A.E.L., and Jew Son. This was how the entire movie and series ended]
Why don't you suck
-Suck my taint
-Suck my taint
-Suck my stinky little taint
-Suck my taint
-Suck my taint
-Suck my taint
Suck my taint
Come on, and suck my stinky little taint
Take it up the ass, metaphorically
Suck on a massive dong, allegorically
Slather spewing dung
across a sweaty symbolic ass
And we can make this fuckaII a better worId
When you crap yourself, it's an opportunity
To scoop up the excrement and eat it
Thereby showing how
you can jizz on a rotting cow
And make this fuckaII a better worId
Just make a point with your vomit
Make a point with unbridled mayhem
When you make a point to
teach the boys and girls
That you can make a point
by eating the puke chunks
And make a point by cannibalizing ears
Make a point and make
this fuckaII a better worId
Gargle a glop of snot
Then swallow it, metaphorically
Fondle a donkey's cock
while felching it, allegorically
Beat off into
a Christmas stocking, mockingly
And make this fuckaII a better worId
Make a point and make
this fuckaII a better worId
Category:Transcripts