ICHaFBI 26

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=I, Corvus; How a Fool became Imperator of the O'Reillys - Chapter XXVI -=
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===Drowning in Fear===
Imperial Palace
City of Nova Roma, Latium District - Gaul Continent
Alphard IV, Corvid Principate
26th July, 3036
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Three days remained before Livia's hour of decision came, but finally, Gurdeep was back on Alphard. Even better, he'd been summoned by Corvus to help with a report on the emancipation process for the Senate, so there was no reason Corvus would be suspicious of his arrival.
 
It took much of Livia's discipline to maintain attention during the formal meetings of the Emancipation Committee. Questions were asked and thanks to Agrippina, and others, she had ready answers despite her distraction, cursing her nerves all the while.
 
Finally, mercifully, the session ended, and Livia was able to swiftly invite Gurdeep to speak privately. As tired as he must have been, he followed her into the parlor of her consular suite in the Palace with no complaint. Agrippina had refreshments for them both ready and prepared. Maximus stepped out to assume bodyguard duties, at Livia's request.
 
Once they were alone, Gurdeep gave a weary sigh. He reached for the wine left on her table and poured himself a glass. "Something has you worried, Livia. And not just the emancipation. Does this have to do with your impending mission?"
 
"It's a trap," she said. "Corvus has me at his mercy. I have no reason not to go, every reason to, but it'll let him make me a scapegoat if the populace disapproves of giving up Bolan and Tamarind. And they will! Cajamarca and entry into the war won't be enough, not after all the fury Marius and Sertorius and Sean built up over those worlds blocking us years ago!"
 
"Those were old slights," Gurdeep reminded her, "long undone by battlefield success. Bolan and Tamarind will never threaten us again, even if they're given to the Arcadians as an exchange."
 
Livia shook her head. "Zielinski will use this. I know he will."
 
"He can use anything. He's using the war quite well. You can't let fear of Zielinski dissuade you, Livia. Not if you're serious about changing how things work here on Alphard." He leveled his eyes at her's. "And you still are."
 
He still doesn't understand! Livia shook her head. "Gurdeep, I… I'm going to get down to it.. I…" She struggled for a moment to find the worse she wanted. "...it feels like Corvus is plotting to diminish me, or replace me with Lydia, this is why he's sending me to Arcadia. And the only thing I can do to stop it is to become Princeps myself. To remove him, now, while Lucia and Lydia are still away and I can secure the State."
 
It was the moment she'd dreaded and longed to complete. To see if Gurdeep would support her. To hear his advice on a way to neutralize any attack, to eliminate the threat to her. But what she hadn't expected was the look of utter pain that crossed the old man's bronzen face. "Oh gods, not you too. It's taken you too."
 
Livia blinked in confusion. "What?"
 
Gurdeep visibly needed a moment to collect his thoughts, but his eyes focused on her and kept her attention. She could see pity and fear in them. Pain, too, and far too much of it. "All the plots in this palace… it's not just terrible for the lives it takes by violence. Now you've fallen into it. I should have known you would…"
 
"Fallen into what?"
 
"The fear of others. The paranoia over their intentions. All of the plots mean you start to see them everywhere."
 
"But there are plots!" she protested.
 
"Yes, but not like this," he replied. "Haven't you been seeing what Corvus has been doing about this?"
 
"He's making my mission public so I can't back out of it," Livia answered. 'He's cutting me off and forcing me to either leave or rebel."
 
"You really believe Corvus is plotting a master power stroke against you? You know him as well as anyone!"
 
"Do I?" Livia asked. "Growing up I thought he was just some weak cripple we kept around because he gave us another claimant to the Lothian League. Then he survived Sertorius' coup and married into Gibson's family. Yet Sean spared him anyway, and he survived to replace Sean! Now look at him!"
 
"Yes. Look at him. A man who understands how terrible the flow of history is, now thrust into a position he probably never wanted, and trying to make the best of it," Gurdeep said. "Much like you, in many ways."
 
"I want to think that about him, but I can't afford to. And… and even if he's genuine, Lucia may not be! Or the Humphries might find a way to use this to get more powerful, Lydia's officially my daughter now, she could take my place in the triumvirate if I were 'forced to resign'." Livia practically spoke the quotation marks around the words. "There's so many ways this can be used to hurt me, and my only way to get out of it would be to force Corvus from power. What else am I supposed to do?"
 
Gurdeep folded his hands together. "You could trust them."
 
The word was a familiar one, yet it struck her like a brick to the forehead. "Trust. Trust them." In her own ears the words were deceptively dull, if only from her sheer incredulity of the idea.
 
"Yes. Trust Corvus. Trust Livia. Trust Gordon Humphries, the man who salvaged emancipation for you, and his daughter Lydia, who clearly understands the importance of what you're doing."
 
"Trust." Livia repeated the word, now finding an edge for it with bitter sarcasm. "After everything that has happened. After my so-called father was betrayed and murdered? After the man who was actually my father shipped me off to Algenib, then came back for me and was killed in turn by my brother? The same brother who butchered our mother and betrayed so many?! You want me to trust?! Corvus has Kelly Ambrose at his side, a plotter just like his father! How can I trust that?!" A terrible thought crossed her mind. In a panic she let it burst from her throat. "He… he's gotten to you too? He's already won you over to his side, hasn't he?! You're supporting Corvus over me!"
 
Gurdeep said nothing, though the deep pain in his face was unmistakable. Seeing it jolted something inside of Livia. For a moment she wanted to deny she'd said those words. How could I? How could I think that of Gurdeep? The unpleasant realization robbed Livia of energy. She slumped into her chair and buried her hands in her face. A low sob came from her throat and tears formed in her eyes. "Gods. How could I… I'm trying to do the right thing, I'm trying so hard, but I… I don't know! It's gone wrong so many times and people die and I'm afraid it'll be me next time, I'll end up like Mother or Sean or…!" The words stopped. The sobs did not.
 
The door flew open. Maximus entered with Gurdeep's man at his side. "Consul, is something the matter?" He glanced from her to Gurdeep.
 
"Can you give us some privacy?" Gurdeep asked his guard. "I am safe." The door closed again.
 
Livia watched it through tear-stroked eyes. "You trust me. Even alone with me and my bodyguard but not yours. How, Gurdeep? How?!"
 
"Because I know you, though perhaps not well enough. That was my fault in Sean as well, and we saw the result. I failed him as much as I failed Marius, Siobhan, even Sertorius." She heard the scrape of a chair across the carpeted floor. A warm hand touched her shoulder and neck. A part of her wanted to recoil in fear at it. She imagined the hand as Sean's, coming to cut her throat open, or her guts out. "I cannot fail you too, Livia."
 
"There's been too much," she protested. "I can't trust them. I can't trust… I don't know—"
 
"At some point Livia, you must, if just for your own sanity. Maybe not easily. But paranoia can destroy even more easily than naivety. Your brother would have learned that the hard way but I pray I can save you from it."
 
"He's right." At those words Livia lifted her head to face Maximus, his face blurry through her tears. He spoke with the usual firmness. "I've seen paranoia kill more than it's saved. The paranoid fulfill their own fears and are ultimately killed by them."
 
Livia closed her eyes, but couldn't find words. A part of her wanted to believe them, but the fear choked her, wouldn't let her speak, almost wouldn't let her think of it. It implored her to see the threat. They'll come for you eventually. Maybe even Maximus isn't as loyal as you thought. You'll end up like Marius, or Vibius, or…
 
"Livia, you are a smart young woman, and you know politics enough to see the truth," Gurdeep said. "Corvus is sending you in the Concordia. That is his ship. He is sending you with Antonia Sato, one of his best negotiators and managers. He's publicly announced you as the State's representative at the coronation. Whatever you do on Arcadia will reflect on him, whatever he might want. He cannot disown your actions without looking capricious or foolish before the people. He might as well hand Zielinski and the patricians the daggers."
 
It all made sense. The fear did not like that. It ignored it. It said, "This has to be a manipulation, a trick, he's no different than the others. Don't be naive." She fought with that fear, focused her mind on what she knew, how this all worked. "You're right," she murmured. "Of course you are. I just…" She sobbed quietly. "I can still remember Sertorius putting the gun to Fa… to Marius."
 
"I know. It will take time to push through that," Gurdeep said. "And what you need may not even be here, on Alphard. The New Rome was built to be rough and cruel, by men shaped by the Collapse. We've let too much off that stay with us, more than any of the Successor States have. You may need help from other worlds to deal with this pain, and all it's done to you. Maybe this trip will help you as much as it helps the Principate."
 
I'm not sure what he means, Livia thought, but she liked the thought of it. Finding some way to lever loose this… iron grip on her heart and throat, this feeling of a dagger waiting for her behind every pleasant smile. "Thank you, Gurdeep," she said. "Thank you, I don't deserve this."
 
"That's part of our problem, honestly. That you don't realize we all deserve this," he answered, patting her affectionately. "And for what it's worth, if I'm wrong about Corvus, I'll arm every damn man I can find and drag him out of the Palace myself, if I must. But I do not think it will be necessary. Far more likely I'll be helping to put down whatever plot Zielinski and the other patricians come up with."
 
She nodded in agreement. That was the important part. Slavery was still a specter haunting the Principate, and they would need help with exorcising it. I will have to make this work, even with this fear and distrust I feel. I must believe Corvus is genuine, that Lucia and Gordon and Lydia are all genuine. It's our only way forward.
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