Words from the Wise

"The only difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
-Mark Twain
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"There are three types of lies: little lies, big lies, and statistics."
-Mark Twain
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"Hair and nails continue to grow three days after death but phone calls taper off..."
-Johnny Carson
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"Hoover sent the army. Roosevelt sent his wife."
-A slogan for relief for the veterans participating in Washington DC riots during the Great Depression.
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"The ends may justify the means, so long as there's something that justifies the end."
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"A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew."
-Herb Caen
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"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. "
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"In seeking wisdom thou art wise; in imagining that thou hast attained it - thou art a fool. "
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"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."
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"Some folks are wise and some are otherwise."
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"The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it."
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"The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions."
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"Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it."
-Doug Larson
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"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk."
-Doug Larson
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"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance ourrelationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" 
- Unknown
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
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Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
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What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Young
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
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Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
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"Problems, boy, are like skunks: you may either run away from them or confront them, but whichever one you choose you always end up regretting it, and people will tell you you stink."
- Nell Gwynn
Category:Quotes