Varric Tethras/Dialogue (Inquisition)

Varric Tethras' dialogue contains a list of remarks and conversations he has with his companions.
== Varric's remarks ==
* (Finding a shard) That's what the skull helped you find. Right. Not ominous at all.
* (Picking up a shard after unlocking the Forbidden Oasis) Who designs a place that takes this many keys to get inside?
* (Approaching an Ocularum for the first time) What's with the skull?
* (Approaching camp) So, set up camp or keep moving?
* (Asking him "Do you believe I'm the Herald?")
** Varric: Look at all the shit that's happened to you.
** Varric: You were saved from the explosion that leveled a mountaintop, and fell out of the Fade.
** Varric: You traveled through time. (or) You fought a demon inside your mind - in the middle of a pitched battle between templars.
** Varric: Faced down one of the ancient magisters who started the Blights. Had a mountain fall on you. And lived.
** Varric: Single-handedly saved the Orlesian Empire.
** Varric: Stopped an army of demons.
** Varric: Whatever in the Maker's name happened in the Temple of Elfy Shit.
** Varric: One of those things would be impossible. All of them together? That's a miracle.
== Combat comments ==
Kills an enemy:
* One more for me!
* That had to hurt!
* Eat dirt!
Low Health:
* Back me up!
* Not good!
* Fall back!
Fallen Companions:
*(Inquisitor) Hang on, Boss!
*(Inquisitor) The Herald's down!
*(Blackwall) Blackwall, hang on!
*(Cassandra) Seeker!
*(Cole) Help Cole!
*(Dorian) Dorian!
*(Dorian) You all right, Dorian?
*(Iron Bull) Bull's hurt!
*(Sera) Hang on, Sera!
*(Solas) On our way, Solas!
*(Vivienne) They got Vivienne!
== Location comments ==
Cradle of Sulevin
* Inquisitor: So this is where the Sulevin Blade was lost.
* Varric: Good spot for it. I wouldn't look here for anything.
* (Approaching an altar)
** Inquisitor: There's an altar.
** Varric: So, no one's managed to reclaim the sword, huh? My money's on this being a trap.
Crestwood
* (Approaching the lake)
** Inquisitor: There must be a way to get to the rift in the lake.
** Varric: Maybe the locals will lend us a boat.
*Does it smell a lot like dogs here?
*Without the demons everywhere, this place would be sort of quaint.
Emerald Graves
* So this is the Dales. Well, Daisy, wish you were here.
* All this fresh air is making me light-headed.
* Ah, the wilds of Thedas: lush, beautiful, and full of things that want to eat you.
* I’ve heard some people actually enjoying walking in the wilderness. They do it for fun. It’s called ‘hiking’.
* (Grunts) That's the seventh root I've tripped over in the last ten minutes. They're doing it on purpose, I swear.
* (On completing Observing the Menace) Well... shit.
Emprise du Lion
* If we freeze to death and get eaten by wolves, I'm blaming the Seeker.
* Great place to get crapped on by a bird.
* Why does air even come in different temperatures?
* Anybody else vote that we never come here again?
* (Near red lyrium) I'd try not to touch that lyrium.
* (Near red lyrium) More red lyrium. (Sighs.) I'm sick of this shit.
* (Near red lyrium) How far will this lyrium spread?
Fallow Mire
* I have no idea why places like this exist.
* This shit is ruining my boots.
Forbidden Oasis
* We're done here, right?
* (At the door to Solasan)
** Inquisitor: Something feels wrong here. It’s worse by the door.
** Varric: Are we sure this is a good idea?
* (After opening a sarcophagus)
** Varric: Are you all right?
** Inquisitor: Whatever it was... I feel fine.
** Varric: I'll take your word for it.
Exalted Plains
* (Collecting letters for Left to Grieve) Well. That's... gruesome.
* (Collecting letters for Left to Grieve) Well... shit.
* (On finding Valorin during Someone to Lose) Blood magic. Lived in Kirkwall enough to know it when I see it.
* (Ghilan'nain's Grove) My boots squelch when I lift my feet. Why did we spend time and effort opening a path?
* (On dock over Enavuris River) Anyone know the name of this river? Anyone?
*(Near the Ruined Arches landmark) How much do you wanna bet that rubble's in fashion in Orlais by next fall?
*(Entering Var Bellanaris) Let's try not to poke around someone else's grave, alright?
*(Approaching the Dalish Encampment) Look, more Dalish!
*Reminds me a little too much of Kirkwall.
Hinterlands
* I really am in the ass-end of nowhere now.
* Mages and templars fighting everywhere. Great job, Blondie.
* There's too many refugees out here. Reminds me of Kirkwall during the Blight.
* Does anybody else smell that? Seriously? Just me?
* (Seeing the Fereldan Frostback take off) Up she goes.
* (Near the burning cart with corpses in Lady Shayna's Valley) What were they doing here?
* (At the docks in the Blood Cliffs) Well, that screams "up to no good."
* Mages and templars, and innocent people caught in the middle. Some things never change.
* (Approaching Valammar)
** Inquisitor: Mercenaries?
** Varric: Looks like Carta.
** Cassandra: With both templars and mages here, they'd profit greatly from smuggling lyrium.
* (Discovering that each ocularum is made from the skull of a Tranquil) I figured they'd fled with the rebel mages. Poor bastards.
* (Redcliffe Castle - during In Hushed Whispers, after killing Venatori) The Venatori severance package stinks.
Hissing Wastes
* Yup. Still sandy.
* I'll give it this much. There's a view everywhere you look.
* Someone remembered to bring water, right?
Shrine of Dumat
* (During Before the Dawn)
** Inquisitor: This place is already half destroyed.
** Cullen: Samson must have ordered his templars to sack his headquarters so we couldn't.
** Varric: Sorry, Curly. Someone tipped off Samson you were coming.
** Cullen: I think you're right. Still, we've dealt Samson a blow.
* (During Before the Dawn, finding the lyrium bottles in the back room)
** Cullen: Lyrium bottles. Licked clean.
** Varric: Drinking it, wearing it, growing it - you can't say Samson isn't committed.
** Cullen: How much red lyrium is Samson taking? His resistance must be extraordinary.
Storm Coast
* I've got a friend who's a ship captain. She would love this place.
* (On killing darkspawn, if Bethany or Carver survived the Deep Roads): Darkspawn above ground - just what we needed. I watched someone nearly die from the blight. It's not something you forget. The only way out was for her/him to become a Grey Warden. Which means he's/she's stuck fighting darkspawn for the rest of his/her life.
* (On killing darkspawn, if Bethany died in the Deep Roads): Darkspawn above ground - just what we needed. A friend of mine died in the Deep Roads - poisoned by the darkspawn blight. [sighs sadly] Oh, Sunshine... we never should have brought her with us. 
* (On killing darkspawn, if Carver died in the Deep Roads): Darkspawn above ground - just what we needed. I watched someone die of the blight in the Deep Roads. Junior could be a pain in the ass, but he was a good kid. He deserved better than that.
* (Approaching the shoreline) The Waking Sea. Somewhere across all that water is Kirkwall.
** Blackwall: It's been a while since I was at sea. Traveling to Haven must have been quite the journey.
** Varric: Between Cassandra's friendly company and Cullen's feelings on sea travel - it was great.
** Cassandra: It was a long journey to Haven.
** Varric: Considering the company, I'm surprised it didn't feel longer.
* Are coastlines always named for melodrama? "The Storm Coast." "The Wounded Coast." "The Morose Coast." It's just water.
* Have you ever seen a moldy Dwarf? You're about to.
* (Spotting the high dragon) Let's try not to get eaten, shall we?
* (During Red Water) I'd try not to touch that lyrium.
* (Dragon Island) So, what do we expect to find here?
*(Near Apostate's Landing) Did I ever mention that I can't swim?
Winter Palace
* (Entering the Empress's private quarters) Are we going to start looking through the Empress's unmentionables now? Just how drunk are you, boss?
=== Hissing Wastes tombs during The Tomb of Fairel ===
* Inquisitor: There's the door.
* Varric: Ever notice that for a people with no mages, dwarves use an awful lot of magic?
* Inquisitor/dwarf-Inquisitor: Do you?/We wouldn't have survived underground without it.
* Varric: Personally, I think it's some kind of compensation thing./Maybe. I think it's a compensation thing.
* Varric: We can't spit lightning or freeze anyone's ass off, so here, have a rune that sets your sword on fire.
* Inquisitor: Another tomb.
* Varric: Have you been reading the inscriptions? These dwarves built a colony on the surface. On purpose.
* Inquisitor/dwarf-Inquisitor: That's practically unheard of in recorded history./That doesn't sound like something we'd do.
* Varric: Exactly!/Exactly. You know what the Shaperate would think about this place.
* Varric: "Real" dwarves don't like the surface. "Real" dwarves say leaving the Stone is death.
* Varric: Whoever built this didn't give two tin shits about tradition.
* Inquisitor: Got it.
* Varric: Looks like these ruins are dedicated to a Paragon. That accounts for a lot.
* Inquisitor/dwarf-Inquisitor: What do you mean?/I've never met one.
* Varric: This place is making me think too much about dwarf stuff.
* Inquisitor: Let's see what's in this one.
* Varric: Probably similar to what's in the last four.
* Varric: You know, I don't buy that stuff about dwarven ancestors living on in the Stone, and we're above ground anyway.
* Varric: But something about this place gives me the creeps.
* Cassandra: Are you serious? Here, of all places we've been?
* Varric: I didn't say it made sense. Just that I'd like to leave and never look back.
* Inquisitor: I've never seen a rune like this before. Is this what the Venatori were after?
* Varric: (Sighs.) You're holding the legacy of a Paragon. Empires used to kill for them. Heck, they still do.
* Varric: Whatever it does, it's probably ancient and invaluable. So try not to drop it in the sand.
* Inquisitor: I thought you weren't interested in dwarven history?
* Varric: You want an encyclopedia entry, it may as well be from someone charming.
=== Jaws of Hakkon DLC ===
Frostback Basin
* (Passing by the Lady's Rest island) That must be Kenric's island. Wonder what's there. 
* (Talking to Arvid Rolfsen)
** (If The Basin Beckons hasn't been completed)
*** Arvid: After I told the tale of the Lady's Rest, you would go there yourself? It is unwise
*** Varric: Most things are.
** (If The Basin Beckons has been completed)
*** Arvid: That island belongs to the Lady of the Skies. The spirits warn us to leave it be.
*** Varric: Don't suppose that's just a legend?
* (The Lady's Rest, upon approaching the rift) We're not going to leave that rift here, right?
* (Swamp Kuldsdotten) I finally found someplace I hate even more than caves! That's a first!
* (Swamp Kuldsdotten, near the empty wagon) Someone fought something big here. It could be that bear the Avvar are looking for. If the bear isn't dead, it has to be nearby.
* (Freeing Storvacker) Now's the part where apparently we free a bear while standing right next to it.
* (Following the spire path to Razikale's Reach) Well, we're up the river. That old Tevinter building must be what the spirit meant.
* (Razikale's Reach, exploring the location) I'm starting to think that if we went to the moon or the bottom of the sea, we'd find Tevinter ruins there.
* (Activating the first trail-marker)
** Inquisitor: Hopefully this removes the wall of ice around the Tevinter fortress.
** Varric: You think these things will get us through that giant fortress wall?
* (Crossing the Varsdotten river while following the markers)
** Sera: Ugh, water everywhere. Everything is dank and chafy.
** Dorian: Are we wading now? I'm so glad I came along.
** Vivienne: It appears we shall be reduced to wading. Lovely.
** Iron Bull: Looks like we're wading.
** Varric: I don't know what you're complaining about. You're taller than I am.
* (Following the trail-markers through the Tevinter ruins) 800 years is a long time to expect a path to stay pristine. We'll have to find another way.
* (Attempting to enter the Old Temple before the battle) I don't think we're taking this fortress with a direct assault! Can we talk about it with Kenric maybe, somewhere we aren't being shot at? (Or) Anybody got a better idea? The Avvar at Stone-Bear Hold might have some ideas!
* (Storvacker joins the fight against the Hakkonites) Storvacker, good to see you again!
* (Entering the Old Temple after the gate has been open from inside by Avvar climbers) Our Avvar friends came through!
* (Old Temple, vestibule) This isn't natural. We'd better hurry, unless you like freezing to death.
* (Staying by the fire to warm up) The cold isn't so bad here.
* (Gurd Harofsen is chanting the Song of Savage Hakkon) We should probably hurry. There's no good kind of crazy ritual chanting.
* (The chant ends) Harofsen's summoning Hakkon into himself!
* (Near the ritual chamber) There's the Hakkon dragon! At least it's not moving yet.
* (During the fight) Watch yourself! He's putting out the fires!
* (Talking to Finn)
** Finn: In part. Gyda Myrdotten prepares my father's body for sky burial.
** Varric: Well, shit
* (After killing the three Fade-touched beasts needed for the funeral offering) The huntmaster said he'd accept a gift from the hand that gave it—let Finn do it.
* (Handing the funeral offering to Finn)
** Finn: I... I don't know what to say.
** Varric: Just take care of yourself.
* (The Nox Morta side quest)
** (Placing the bait)
** Inquisitor: D'Amortisan said to place the bait here. We need to find a good spot.
** Varric: Right. Because it might be picky.
** (The creature appears) It's a bogfisher?
** (The Nox Morta is killed) Did that just happen?
* (Investigating the ritual site where Sigrid Gulsdotten was supposed to release her teacher)
** Inquisitor: What are these marks?
** Varric: Missed shots. I think some hunter was just using this tree for target practice.
* (Recruiting Sigrid) The abomination thing didn't work out so well for Kirkwall.
* (Finding all five of the enchanted skulls in Swamp Kuldsdotten)
** Inquisitor: I think that's the last of the bones. What were the Jaws of Hakkon doing with this magic?
** Varric: It's Avvar magic, right? Maybe the Avvar who don't want to kill us have an answer.
* (The river camp is under attack) Inquisition soldiers. Looks like they could use a hand.
* (The Loss of a Friend side quest)
** (Beside a pile of burning bodies) And that's an Inquisition dagger. Harding said that scout might try something stupid.
** (Talking to Grandin) This is bad.
** (If Grandin is killed) (Sighs.) Better than leaving him as an abomination.
* (Helsdim Rolfsen's shop)
** Helsdim: Hold a moment. You. You're... you're... you're Varric Tethras!
** Varric: You've got to be kidding me.
** Helsdim: I've read all your books and I have all the printings of "Hard in Hightown." Even the banned version. I've read it thrice!
** Varric: Nice to know the "rocks fall, everyone dies" ending found its audience.
* (Recruiting Helsdim)
** Helsdim: You... wish me to join you? Your Inquisition?
** Varric: Well, no one would peg you as a spy. Just maybe write back more... facts and less... theory
* (Up an Away side quest)
** (By the third marker)
*** Varric: Let's hope she's not planning to trek out to the Frostbacks.
*** Cole (in response to Varric): She was. Teeth bared, lungs burning, up and up. The crest is always the best part.
** (If the Inquisitor allows Runa to include them in her prayers) It generally helps to respect local traditions now and then.
* (Where Once We Walked - visit the quest page for the full transcript)
* (Swamp Kuldsdotten, encountering Colette as she's ambushed by lurkers) Over there. She'll be overwhelmed.
* (Nigel's Point) Was this what Colette was trying to reach?
* (Exploring the Frostback Basin)
** Sera: The veil is wobbly here.
** Varric: I'd say more wonky, myself.
** Sera: What? Let me check. Sensing. Sense-y. Definitely wobbly.
* (Varsdotten River) How do fish even get into the mountains? Can they climb?
* (When the Inquisitor is granted a legend-mark) So... "First-Thaw"? That's... quite the legend. Sort of damp? But, you know, still legendary.
===The Descent DLC ===
Deep Roads
* (Heidrun Thaig - During an earthquake)
** Inquisitor: Careful.
** Renn: That was a big one.
** Valta: We need to go deeper.
** Renn: Only way down from here is falling. Not keen on that.
** Varric: I'd also like to avoid falling, if we're counting votes.
** Valta: There has to be another way.
* (Forgotten Caverns - Entering)
** Varric: Nothing's stopping us from going back up.
** Inquisitor: We're not going back up.
** Varric: (Sighs.) Just a suggestion.
* (Forgotten Caverns - Approaching a chasm)
** Valta: There's something... strange on the other side. I can feel it...
** Varric: My guess is another earthquake––––that hits when we're halfway across the bridge.
** Inquisitor: Watch your step.
* (Bastion of the Pure - Entering)
** Varric: (Chuckles.) I just became the most popular dwarf in the Merchant's Guild.
** Valta: All these lyrium veins. And they're completely untapped.
** Inquisitor: The Sha-Brytol must mine lyrium somewhere––––their weapons and armor are laced with it.
** Valta: Unless they've found another way to harness it.
=== Trespasser DLC ===
Elven Mountain Ruins
* Varric: So, we’re getting the band back together? That’s exciting.
* Cassandra: We are not a “band” of any sort.
* Varric: Just because you can’t carry a tune, Seeker, doesn’t mean you’re not front and center in our band of misfits.
* Dorian: Don’t tell me the Viscount of Kirkwall misses skulking around and shooting people?
* Varric: You’ve never been to the Viscount’s Keep, have you, Sparkler? Spend two hours there, and you’ll be glad to be shot at.
* Inquisitor: Admit it, Varric, you’re going to miss getting into trouble like this.
* Varric: Pay me a visit in Kirkwall, Inquisitor. I can almost promise you trouble when you arrive.
Deep Roads
* Varric: Great, we’re in the Deep Roads. I feel myself getting dwarfier by the minute. Did I just sprout a beard? 
* Varric: (Sighs.) I hate caves.
* Cassandra: Yes, yes. You hate the Deep Roads, and caves, and the outdoors.
* Iron Bull: And slopes. Uneven ground. The dark. Pretty much all kinds of weather…
* Blackwall: Also quiet. Most kinds of smells. Rain. Water in general…
* Sera: And everything that isn’t hearing himself talk.
* Cole: The smell of the sea. “Who made the ground vertical?” Mountains covered in the dead…
* Dorian: Orlesian cafes. Taverns that are too tidy. Slopes of greater than ten degrees…
* Vivienne: And Orlesians, Fereldans, Nevarrans, mages, Templars, the entire Merchants Guild, nugs…
* Varric: Look, I have to complain, or you’ll forget I’m even here and trip over me! I’m providing a service.
Shattered Library
* Varric: You think we could take a couple of these books back with us?
== Companion comments about Varric ==
* Blackwall: Have you seen the stories Varric's been writing? His descriptions of me are...colorful, to say the least.
* Sera: Varric? Too clever. Always saying something, but never saying it straight.
* Vivienne: What exactly is Varric's role in the Inquisition? Aside from irritating Cassandra?
== Varric and Blackwall ==
* Blackwall: This guard captain from Kirkwall that you're friends with...
* Varric: She's stronger than you.
* Blackwall: Right. Just checking.
───────
* Blackwall: I once met a dwarf who made the best home-brewed ale.
* Varric: I once met a Grey Warden who got possessed by a spirit and then blew up a Chantry and killed a hundred people.
* Varric: What makes people think you want to hear what others of "your kind" have done, anyway?
* Varric: So it was just you, alone in the vast wilderness?
* Blackwall: What are you on about?
* Varric: The lone wanderer, searching the world. What's he trying to find? Love? Absolution?
* Blackwall: Try "Someone with a strong arm and a stronger will to fight darkspawn."
* Varric: Yes, but what does that represent?
* Blackwall: Wanting to kill more darkspawn.
* Varric: You're just like Sebastian.
* Varric: Let's talk about your dark and troubled past.
* Blackwall: Excuse me?
* Varric: Well you have one, of course. Someone dear to you? Someone you've failed to save? Or a grave error in judgment, causing too many deaths? I've known a couple of people like that. Ooh, maybe betrayal! That's always good.
* Blackwall: No.
* Varric: Well you've got to give me something.
* Blackwall: No, I don't. This conversation is over.
* Varric: Hm, touchy.
* Varric: You remind me of someone. Pious bastard, wore blinding white armour. Told me my shots veered left.
* Blackwall: I can see how that describes me perfectly.
* Varric: It's just... all that niceness. He was just so... nice.
* Blackwall: Nice. Right. I take it you didn't like this person.
* Varric: Sebastian would have taken that as compliment.
* Blackwall: Is it true that Kirkwall's Knight Commander became a... statue?
* Varric: Absolutely true. She's still there, bringing an extra dose of horror to gallows tourists.
* Blackwall: No one's moved it... I mean her?
* Varric: And make it impossible for children to play "Who's Brave Enough to Poke Meredith?" 
* Blackwall: They don't actually do that, do they?
* Varric: No. No one's brave enough to poke Meredith.
* Blackwall: I read some of your book. Riveting stuff. "Hard in Hightown", was it?
* Varric: And you only read some?
* Blackwall: Well I... uh, found it in a latrine in a village near Churneau. It... was missing some pages.
* Blackwall: I've been to Kirkwall. The Hanged Man, actually, probably been twenty years now. It was a dive if I remember correctly.
* Varric: It's the dive. Filled with the best and worst people in the world.
* Blackwall: Yes, I heard it was a haunt of yours.
* Varric: Haunt? It was home.
* Varric: Alright, Hero, what do we talk about?
* Blackwall: What do you mean?
* Varric: You don't want to talk about yourself. I can respect that. So what do we talk about then?
* Blackwall: Huh. I don't suppose you follow jousting?
* Varric: I'm a Free Marcher, remember? We invented jousting.
* Blackwall: That's not actually true, you know.
* Varric: It is! Before us, no one ever thought to push people off things with large sticks. Historical fact.
* Blackwall: Alright. Greatest knight in history. My money's on Lady Honorine Chastain. No one's ever come close to unhorsing more riders than her. I've seen her joust live, and I have to tell you, up close? She has magnificent t-... technique.
* Varric: Her victory in the Grand Tourney of Tantervale is pretty legendary, but I'd have to go with Reeve Asa. Winning three consecutive Grand Tourneys? Who does that?
(If Inquisitor says "Stop talking about jousting":)
*Inquisitor: Could you two find something -anything- to talk about?
*Varric: Hey, you know they're holding a grand tourney in Markham soon. I think we should all go. Inquisition road trip!
* Blackwall: There's got to be... trouble or something up near Markham.
* Inquisitor: No.
* Varric: I'll talk to Josephine, I bet she could pull some strings.
(Otherwise:)
* Blackwall: Winning while barely clinging to your horse may count, but it's not exactly the stuff of legend, is it?
* Varric: That depends entirely on who's writing the legend, Hero.
* Blackwall: You can't really think Reeve Asa is a better knight than Honorine Chastain. Her record's flawless. Four hundred jousts, never unseated. No one's ever come close to it.
*Varric: Oh, she's easily the most skilled. That's a fact. It's just "scrappy" is better than "flawless." I like heroes who try their damnedest, even if they fail a lot. It's easy to be valiant when you always win and everything goes your way. There's nothing great in that.
* Blackwall: You are quite the artist with that bow, Varric.
* Varric: Bianca does most of the work.
* Blackwall: You have to aim her. Precisely. I don't think I could do that.
* Varric: Too attached to hitting things with your fists?
* Blackwall: Exactly. And just being in the thick of it.
* Varric: I'll stick with bows. I really like having my own teeth.
 
* Varric: Have a name for the sword?
* Blackwall: Slasher? Gasher? How about "Pokey"?
* Varric: Go with Pokey. You seem like a "Pokey" guy.
* Varric: How do you like being described? As "grizzled" or "masculine?"
* Blackwall: Do I really have a choice?
* Varric: No, I was just being polite. Going with "grizzled", then.
* Varric: Alright, worst thing you've ever eaten? I had this imported ham from the Anderfels once. It tasted like despair, literally.
* Blackwall: But you probably got to wash it down with an expensive wine. Mine was two year old hard tack. You can't scrape off the blue any more. You just try not to look.
* Blackwall: I've got one for you, Varric. Best tavern name you've ever seen. I'm torn between "The Bed and Bucket", and "The Bottom of the Barrel".
* Varric: Ooh! That's a tough one. I think I have to go with "The Neighbour's House". For sheer balls.
* Varric: So... Hero, you and Josephine...
* Blackwall: No. No, you are not getting me into this conversation.
* Varric: Oh, content to pine in silence, gazing at the dear ambassador from afar!
* Blackwall: Can we talk about something else? Reeve Asa! Reeve Asa is the best, you were right!
* Varric: I could help, you know. Nothing stirs the heart like a well-written word.
* Blackwall: You're suggesting I woo the lady with someone else's words? You really want me on that path again?
* Varric: Oh... yeah. Bad idea. Let's just forget I said anything.
== Varric and Cassandra ==
(After Annexing Kirkwall)
* Cassandra: I assume you've heard about Prince Sebastian, Varric.
*Varric: I know he invaded Kirkwall. Are you going to blame me for that, too?
* Cassandra: I wasn't trying to...
*Varric: You weren't trying to remind me how bad it is in Kirkwall? So you decided to talk about it?
* Cassandra: I thought you might be concerned. It is your home.
*Varric: Of course I'm concerned! I don't need you prodding me with a stick to prove it.
* Cassandra: Have you heard from any of your Kirkwall associates Varric?
*Varric: You're asking me? So you don't read my letters?
* Cassandra: You're no longer my prisoner, much as you like to act like it.
*Varric: Yet I still get all the suspicion.
* Cassandra: I am not without sympathy, especially given recent events.
*Varric: Why, Seeker, I would never accuse you of having sympathy! By the way I tend to refer to my "associates" as "friends". Maybe you're not familiar with the concept.
* Cassandra: (sigh)
*Varric: You know, Seeker, for someone with your tact and charisma you assembled a... pretty good little Inquisition. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you didn't drag them all here by force.
* Cassandra: How kind of you.
*Varric: I mean, you never know, you could have kidnapped Ruffles and she'd be too polite to say anything.
* Cassandra: Leliana recruited Josephine. They're... friends.
*Varric: So there's a rational explanation after all. Just when I thought you had layers.
*Varric: It makes sense that Leliana did the recruiting when the Inquisition started. Not everyone can be intimidated into signing up after all.
* Cassandra: I recruited Commander Cullen.
*Varric: Lucky him.
* Cassandra: He has made no complaints about my manners.
*Varric: His last boss was a raving lunatic who turned into a statue. That's not a high bar.
* Cassandra: Varric I'm sorry. About earlier. With the table.
*Varric: Beg your pardon? I didn't catch that Seeker.
* Cassandra: I am sorry.
*Varric: Oh! I'll mark this on my calendar—Cassandra had a feeling!
* Cassandra: Perhaps not that sorry.
* Cassandra: Varric, does Hawke ever autograph books?
*Varric: Why? Doesn't your copy of the "Tale of the Champion" have a big hole in it?
* Cassandra: Yes... but it could also have Hawke's signature on it.
* Cassandra: Hawke's taller than I imagined.
*Varric: ...cough. That's the first thing you said to him/her isn't it?
* Cassandra: Not the first thing.
*Varric: Tell you what Seeker. Next time you make me tell a story at knife-point, I'll make the hero sound taller.
(After Guilty Pleasures)
*Varric: Seriously? Swords and Shields? How did you find that serial? Scrape it off the bottom of a barrel in Dust Town?
* Cassandra: It was research! I thought I might learn more about the Champion.
*Varric: I did write a book about the Champion. You might remember it. Had your knife stuck through it last I saw.
* Cassandra: I already read that one. Twice.
*Varric: I can't believe you picked the absolute worst of my books to read. Why not Hard in Hightown?
* Cassandra: I have enough mysteries and investigations of my own.
*Varric: What? You don't want to solve more in your spare time?
* Cassandra: Then you killed my favorite character in Chapter 3, so I threw the book across the room.
*Varric: Ah, a critic. Say no more.
* Cassandra: Varric, how could you let the Knight-Captain be framed for murder?
*Varric: Well, I did spent three entire chapters setting it up.
* Cassandra: But she didn't deserve it! You'd already put her through more than enough!
*Varric: Look, Seeker, if you love a character, you give them pain, ruin their lives, make them suffer. Maybe even throw in a heroic death.
* Cassandra: That makes no sense!
*Varric: You care enough to argue. If she had a nice afternoon and took a nap, you'd stop reading.
* Cassandra: What made you write about Hawke? All your other books are complete fiction.
*Varric: Someone had to set the record straight about the Champion.
* Cassandra: Yet your book is still full of lies.
*Varric: But true ones. That's important.
* Cassandra: Why is the second Hard in Hightown so completely different from the first?
*Varric: (sigh) Because I didn't write it. Shit, did you pay actual coin for that book? One of these days, I'm going to find the duster who wrote that garbage and introduce him to my editor.
* Cassandra: By "editor," do you mean your crossbow?
*Varric: No, my actual editor. Best in the business. She runs half the Coterie in Kirkwall. Stickler for grammar. She once killed a man over a semicolon. I'd never print anything without her.
* Cole: She has to reach the other side of the hill.
* Cassandra: Who does?
* Cole: The Knight-Captain. But she's injured.
*Varric: (sigh) Good job, Kid.
* Cassandra: Is she alright? Is that how the book ends?
*Varric: Not anymore.
* Cassandra: Cole, what happens to her?
* Cole: I don't know. The hill went away.
(If templars were recruited in Therinfal Redoubt)
*Varric: I thought you'd have some... stronger feelings about templars joining the Inquisition, Seeker. Feelings that involve stabbing.
* Cassandra: (sigh) Not all my feelings involve stabbing.
*Varric: Oh, so you reserve those for me then? Don't I feel special.
(If Hawke survived Here Lies the Abyss)
* Cassandra: I am somewhat surprised you didn't follow Hawke to Weisshaupt, Varric.
*Varric: There's a lot of work to do, Seeker. We'll catch up once this is all over.
(If Hawke romanced Anders)
* Cassandra: What about Anders? Will he...?
*Varric: If he's still out there, and Justice hasn't driven him nuts, Hawke won't be able to keep him away.
(If Hawke romanced Fenris)
* Cassandra: What about Fenris? Will he...?
*Varric: Oh he'll go—once he gets my letter and after he's finished brooding.
(If Hawke romanced Isabela)
* Cassandra: What about Isabela? Will she...?
* Varric: Join her/him? Once she gets my letter, she'll go whether Hawke likes it or not.
(If Hawke romanced Merrill)
* Cassandra: What about Merrill? Will she...?
* Varric: Join her/him? Once she gets my letter, she'll go whether Hawke likes it or not.
(If Hawke romanced Sebastian)
* Cassandra: What about Prince Sebastian? Will he...?
* Varric: Join her? Once he gets my letter, he'll go whether Hawke likes it or not.
(If Carver survived)
* Cassandra: And Hawke's brother. He's still alive, isn't he?
(If Carver is a Grey Warden)
*Varric: Aveline took him off somewhere when the Calling started going nuts, but he'll tag along. He always does.
(If Carver is a templar)
*Varric: Still alive, still a templar. He'll go as soon as he hears. Can't let Hawke have all the glory.
(If Bethany survived)
* Cassandra: And Hawke's sister. She's still alive, isn't she?
(If Bethany is a Grey Warden)
*Varric: Aveline took her off somewhere when the Calling started going nuts, but she'll try to keep Hawke out of trouble.
(If Bethany is a circle mage)
*Varric: Better be. Sunshine will go, as soon as she hears. I'm sure of it.
*Varric: Hawke would rather we stay away. Stay safe. That won't fly forever.
*Varric: Besides, if I went to the Anderfels, how could I annoy you?
* Cassandra: You would find a way.
(If Hawke died during Here Lies the Abyss)
* Cassandra: About Hawke...
*Varric: Don't, Seeker. Just... don't.
(If Hawke romanced Anders)
* Cassandra: But what about Anders? Does he...?
(If Hawke romanced Fenris)
* Cassandra: But what about Fenris? Does he...?
(If Hawke romanced Isabela)
* Cassandra: But what about Isabela? Does she...?
(If Hawke romanced Merrill)
* Cassandra: But what about Merrill? Does she...?
(If Hawke romanced Sebastian)
* Cassandra: But what about Sebastian? Does he...?
*Varric: She/He knows. I sent a letter. Leave it be.
(After Morrigan joins the Inquisition, if Merrill destroyed the eluvian)
*Varric: You may recall, Seeker, that a friend of mine had one of those eluvians. It didn't end well.
*Varric: Are you really going to allow one in Skyhold?
* Cassandra: You speak as though I could forbid it.
* Cassandra: I didn't know your friend, or see her eluvian. If you have an issue, speak with Lady Morrigan.
*Varric: Um... No. I'll pass.
* Cassandra: Varric, you are aware that I'm a candidate for the Sunburst Throne?
*Varric: So I heard.
* Cassandra: Not a single snide remark?
*Varric: What?
* Cassandra: I don't look forward to your needling. But its absence is telling.
* Varric: The thought of you as Divine is scary. I'm hoping if I ignore it, it'll go away.
(After the quest Well, Shit)
* Cassandra: Am I to understand your Bianca is married?
*Varric: Oh, have we reached the stage where we gossip about each other's love lives?
*Varric: Did you hear that, boss? Don't worry, I'll tell you whatever she says.
* Cassandra: Forget I mentioned anything. It was a simple question, Varric.
*Varric: There was nothing simple about it.
*Varric: You brought up Bianca, Seeker. Does that mean I can ask about your conquests?
* Cassandra: I would rather you didn't.
*Varric: No tantalizing secrets to divulge?
* Cassandra: None.
(If the Inquisitor is in a relationship with Cassandra)
*Varric: So no one within, say, a five foot radius has caught your eye?
* Inquisitor: Really? No one at all?
* Cassandra: This... is not a discussion I want to have here.
*Varric: (laughs) Are you blushing, Seeker? Maker, the world really is coming to an end.
Or
* Inquisitor: Perhaps Cassandra—and her conquest—would rather not discuss this in public.
*Varric: Spoilsport.
Or
*Varric: Nothing? You do know he's standing right there...
* Cassandra: I... have no conquests.
*Varric: How about dalliances? Liaisons? Illicit affairs?
* Cassandra: No.
* Sera: Enough poking, Varric.
*Varric: Is it, Buttercup? Is it?
* Cassandra: Very well, Varric. If you wish to know about men I have known, I will tell you.
*Varric: Look, Seeker. I was only...
* Cassandra: You are right. I pried first, and fair is fair. Years ago, I knew a young mage named Regalyan. He was dashing, unlike any man I'd met. He died at the Conclave.
*Varric: Oh.
* Cassandra: What we had was fleeting. And years had passed. Still, it saddens me to think he's gone.
*Varric: I'm sorry.
*Varric: Look, Seeker, I didn't mean to make you talk about your mage friend.
* Cassandra: I know. I was not trying to make you speak of Bianca. If I was, you would know. I would yell, books would be stabbed.
*Varric: (Chuckles.) I'll keep that in mind.
* Cassandra: I still don't understand how drakes take that hand.
*Varric: ...Hmm. Maybe we should start you on Shepherd's Six.
* Cassandra: Isn't that a children's game?
*Varric: Yeah.
*Varric: So, as a Seeker, you're the highest ranked person in the Inquisition. But you're not in charge.
* Cassandra: Leliana's rank equals my own insofar as our rank means anything outside the Chantry.
*Varric: But you want to get shit done, right?
* Cassandra: I declared the Inquisition but I don't know that I'm best suited to command it. Perhaps you're interested in the position since you seem so interested?
*Varric: Oh no you don't. Leave me out of that mess.
* Cassandra: There's almost no mention of your part in the Tale of the Champion, Varric.
*Varric: Hm.., I don't want to bore people.
* Cassandra: You don't want to incriminate yourself, you mean.
*Varric: Oh... same thing, really.
* Cassandra: I'm watching you, Varric. Just so you know.
*Varric: Well, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. What'd I do now?
* Cassandra: Nothing. Yet. Just keep it that way.
*Varric: Varric Tethras, Paragon of Good Behavior, at your service, Seeker.
*Varric: (Sighs.) Is even terrain too much to ask for?
* Cassandra: Is there a problem?
*Varric: You might be used to traipsing through the countryside––––punching dragons, interrogating people, or whatever it is you did before this. 
* Varric: I'm from the city.
* Cassandra: (Laughs.)
*Varric: Think you'll ever go back to Nevarra, Seeker?
* Cassandra: Why? Are you eager to see me go?
*Varric: I wasn't, actually. But, now that you mentioned it...
* Cassandra: How do you know I wouldn't just drag you along?
*Varric: Be still my heart. I've grown on you.
* Cassandra: Like fungus.
*Varric: I spy...
* Cassandra: No.
*Varric: But...
* Cassandra: No.
*Varric: (grunts) Well you should be good at finding things. Of course, you ...couldn't find Hawke.
*Varric: Did you really think the Conclave had a chance of making peace, Seeker?
* Cassandra: You do not?
*Varric: What was the Divine's plan? Bring everyone together and hope really hard that they would all get along?
* Cassandra: Most Holy did not confide her plan to me. Perhaps she thought they were tired of death and conflict.
*Varric: Oh, when is that ever been true? For Templars or mages.
* Cassandra: I will not mock a dead woman, Varric. She did what she could, and that is more than most.
* Cassandra: How do you write as you do, Varric? I can never find the proper words.
*Varric: You. Write. Really?
* Cassandra: I've needed to describe events in reports. They always come off as...
*Varric: Dry? Boring? Lifeless? Stale?
* Cassandra: You... are an ass.
*Varric: (Chuckling) Just... helping you find those words.
* Cassandra: I hear reconstruction is progressing well in Kirkwall.
* Varric: I know things are bad there.
* Cassandra: I wasn't trying to...
* Varric: You weren't trying to remind me how bad is it in Kirkwall? So you decided to talk about it?
* Cassandra: About its recovery!
* Varric: What you're talking about are the buildings, and even that will take years. People don't recover so easily.
* Cassandra: I think it's time to stop playing the wounded party with me, Varric.
* Varric: Ignoring the times you actually wounded me?
* Cassandra: I did no such thing. I questioned you, and then brought you to Haven so you could tell your story to the Divine.
* Varric: What then? "Thanks Varric! We believe you! See you around!"
* Cassandra: And ignoring the fact you did lie to me.
* Cassandra: Do not pretend to be an innocent bystander—I could have done far worse, with full justification.
* Varric: Yes, thank you for not torturing me. I'm so much happier now.
* Varric: You never did tell me why you dragged me to Haven, Seeker.
* Varric: I mean, what could I have told the Divine that you couldn't say yourself?
* Cassandra: I thought she needed to see the chest hair for herself.
* Varric: Er... Say again?
* Cassandra: I thought she needed to hear it from the horse's mouth, as it were. I also knew she would ask you to help us.
* Varric: Help the Inquisition? Me?
* Cassandra: A crazy thought, I know, yet here you are.
* Varric I spy with my little eye...
* Cassandra: No.
* Varric: Oh, come now, Seeker. I'm just trying to be friendly.
* Cassandra: Try to be quiet, instead.
* Varric When you you brought me along to talk? Perish the thought.
* Cassandra: Have you been taking notes on all this, Varric?
* Varric: You'll need to be more specific there, Seeker.
* Cassandra: The Inquisition! You're not planning to write a book about us, are you?
* Varric: Don't get your hopes up. You're not that interesting a subject.
* Dorian: I am! Feel free to write a book about me.
* Varric: And call it what? "The Wayward Magister?"
* Dorian: I'm not a magister! Oh forget it, you'll just get it wrong.
(If mages were recruited in Redcliffe)
* Varric: I'm surprised, Seeker, I thought you'd take charge back in Redcliffe. Maybe grab Fiona and rough her up.
* Cassandra: I do not "rough people up."
* Varric: Sorry, my mistake. You'd have your men do it for you.
* Cassandra: You will never let that go, will you?
* Varric: Probably not.
* (upon seeing the dragon and giant on the Storm Coast) 
* Varric: Seeker, you're the dragon expert. What do we do now?
* Cassandra: Don't get killed. By either of them.
* (upon walking by the Waking Sea at the Storm Coast) 
* Varric: The Waking Sea. Somewhere across all that water is Kirkwall. 
* Cassandra: It was a long journey to Haven.
* Varric: Considering the company, I'm surprised it didn't feel longer.
== Varric and Cole ==
* Varric: So you could make people not see you, Cole. Can you do that for other people?
* Cole: Yes. It makes me tired, and doesn't work if they're loud. Or angry. Or bright.
* Varric: Hm, what about things? Can you make people ignore an object?
* Cole: Maybe. Like what?
* Varric: Oh, I don't know. A book, or a box... or a crate... or a wagon full of crates?
(If in the party)
* Sera: Turning creepy loose on your stuff? Not a good idea, dwarfy.
* Solas: Smuggling? That is certainly a... unique use of a spirit's innate power of persuasion.
* Cassandra: Dwarf...
* Varric: I'm just asking!
* Cole: They were staring at me.
* Varric: Who are "they," Kid?
* Cole: In Skyhold. The servants in the courtyard. They were looking at me and whispering.
* Varric: It's the hat. Kind of hard to miss. Don't worry about it.
* Cole: What's wrong with my hat?
* Varric: That's going to take a while. I'll explain "clothes" when we get back.
* Cole: Should I change my hat?
* Varric: Nah, if they're busy staring at your hat, they're ignoring all your other flaws.
* Cole: A silk shirt with three buttons left undone.
* Varric: Exactly! If you can't be flawless -and no one can- be flashy. Nobody will know the difference.
* Varric: How are you holding up, Kid? You've been quiet for a while.
* Cole: My shoelaces keep coming untied.
* Varric: You're doing fine.
* Cole: Can you talk to them? They don't listen to me.
* Varric: Maybe not so fine... Don't talk to them, Kid. Just tie them in knots.
* Cole: I like travelling with Dwarves.
* Varric: I'm glad to hear it, Kid.
* Cole: You're quiet, but the old song still echoes inside, almost like templars.
* Cole: But he died at the end of the last book. If he comes back, the readers will be confused.
* Varric: Okay, delving into my personal life is one thing, but a writer needs some privacy.
* Varric: So, Kid, why human?
* Cole: It was the shape that would help.
* Varric: Huh. Most people don't pick a shape. I guess I was hoping for something deeper with that question.
* Cole: It had to be him. But harmless. The him he wanted that wouldn't hurt.
* Varric: Well that's... deeper. I think.
* Varric: Hey, Kid, back in the last village that farmer was looking past you. Why didn't you let him see you?
* Cole: He didn't need me.
* Varric: Maybe not, but you could learn something by talking with him.
* Cole: What would I learn? I can hear when they need me.
* Varric: You could learn not to scare them so badly that they have to forget you.
* Cole: I'll... try.
* Cole: How do you make them calm?
* Varric: Who, Kid?
* Cole: Everyone. You talk and the fear fades, slipping to sleep. Not always happy, but not angry.
* Varric: Most people are like cats. They either puff up to look dangerous or they crouch down and hope you don't see them. You show them you're not a victim or threat, and they're in your lap and purring before you know it.
* Cole: Cats swat my feet even when no one can see me.
* Varric: That explains a lot.
* Varric: How are you feeling, Kid?
* Cole: "If you don't get some sunshine, you'll wilt." She says she's not a plant, she's fine, but falling, faltering, foolish. Blood on her hands, people and demons always end in trouble. Too many Daisies in this garden.
* Cole: I am good, Varric. I am me. You don't need to worry... but thank you for caring.
* Varric: All right. Well let me know if you ever... yeah.
* Cole: The heft in my hands, solid, strong, but curving, careful, like her. Soot smudge on her cheek. Tiny scars on her fingers, old fires. Her little frown when she twists a gear ever so slightly.
* Varric: Yep, that's her, Kid.
* Cole: Your stories aren't real. But then people read them and they are!
* Varric: Nn, get the readers invested and you'll have them forever.
* Cole: So many people reading, dreaming, feeling. Spirits spill around the veil making shapes. Reality from writing!
* Varric: I've got fans in the Fade? Well, that's something. Shame I'll never meet them.
* Cole: Do you write to reach across? To hear the song that was sundered?
* Varric: I'm... not sure what that even means, Kid, but probably?
* Varric: Hey, Kid, what would a pride demon say to weaken a warrior's resolve? I need something that gets under her skin.
* Cole: Does she use a big sword, or a sword and shield?
* Varric: One of the big two-handers.
* Cole: "The next time you imagine him touching you, someone you love will die."
* Varric: Well, that went a little dark. Who's "him" in this?
* Cole: She knows who he is. Does it not work for your book?
* Varric: No, it works great. Just glad you're not that kind of demon.
* Varric: Okay, Kid, try it again like we practiced.
* Cole: Two pairs beats one pair. Four of a kind beats two pairs. She slips the ace of dragons into a thigh-high boot, calls to the barman for another round. Blondie stares at the table, angry, always angry.
* Varric: Focus, Kid, you can't beat four of a kind with bad memories.
* Cole: Do they ever stop talking to you?
* Varric: Nouns, Kid. Does who ever stop talking to me?
* Cole: The people in your head. They aren't real, but they have voices and thoughts and sometimes you see through their eyes.
* Varric: If they stopped I wouldn't have to write so much.
* Cole: I think I have it. Let me try again.
* Varric: Alright, Kid, let's see what you've got.
* Cole: Knock, knock.
* Varric: Who's there?
* Cole: Cole.
* Varric: Cole who?
* Cole: It's me, Cole. That is my name.
* Varric: No, no. You're still not getting it. Sorry, Kid.
* Cole: Knock, knock.
* Varric: Okay, I'll bite. Who's there?
* Cole: The Inquisition.
* Varric: The Inquisition who?
* Cole: That's who we are, Varric?
* Varric: Er... yeah. That's not working either. You didn't get that one from Sera, did you?
* Varric: Okay, try it again, you'll get it.
* Cole: Knock, knock.
* Varric: Who's there?
* Cole: Me.
* Varric: (Sighs.) Me who?
* Cole: Me. And I'm telling a knock knock joke.
* Varric: Um... that was... closer keep trying.
* Varric: So, Kid, you don't have any formal combat training at all?
* Cole: No? I go where the knife needs to be.
* Varric: ...er. Whatever works for you.
* Cole: Knock, knock.
* Varric: Sure, why not. Who's there?
* Cole: Dragon.
* Varric: Dragon who?
* Cole: Dragons really don't like wyverns.
* Varric: Sorry, kid. Still not quite getting it. Closer, though!
== Varric and Dorian ==
* Dorian: What's a deshyr from the Merchant's Guild doing in the middle of a battle against ancient evils?
* Varric: I could ask the same thing of a pampered, noble Tevinter.
* Dorian: You can't call me "pampered." Nobody peeled a grape for me in weeks.
* Varric: Talk to Josephine. She can arrange something.
* Dorian: So what's your estimation, Varric? Think we could win?
* Varric: You aren't asking me to give odds on our beloved Inquisitor's success!
* Dorian: What would that look like? Three to one? (laughs.)
* Varric: In his/her favor?
* Dorian: After Corypheus pulled an archdemon out of his arse, are you joking?
* Inquisitor: You would actually bet against me? 
* Dorian: Now now, if I weren't here, it would be five to one at least.
(or)
* Inquisitor: I'll take those odds. 
* Dorian: See? Here's a chance to test your confidence, Varric.
(Dorian romanced)
* Inquisitor: I'll take those odds. 
* Dorian: This is why I adore him so.
(or)
* Inquisitor: Enough, both of you!
* Varric: I agree. So morally reprehensible to bet against your own side.
* Dorian: (grunts.) I am a bad man. We'll talk later.
(If Inquisitor says nothing)
* Varric: Brave man. We'll talk later.
* Dorian: Varric, I want a new nickname.
* Varric: What's wrong with sparkler? Not colorful enough for you?
* Dorian: You must know me better now. Or does the moniker you gave me five minutes after we met still apply?
* Varric: I have the eyes of a storyteller. It's a gift.
* Dorian: So, I'm a bit of light you stick in a window sill to impress passersby? All flash, no heat? Hmm… that's actually pretty clever.
* Varric: See? Embrace your place in the universe, sparkler.
(If Hawke died during Here Lies the Abyss)
* Dorian: I'm very sorry about Hawke, Varric.
* Varric: Yeah, well, what can you do?
* Dorian: Does s/he have any family, or…?
* Varric: I've had to write some letters. Let's not talk about it.
* Varric: How are you feeling about that bet now, Sparkler?
* Dorian: Still good actually.
* Varric: You're crazy! We're beating Corypheus every time we turn around. He's on the run!
* Dorian: We're beating his minions, my hirsute little friend. Not the same thing. Besides, the moment we beat Corypheus into the sand, I'll be more than happy to pay up.
* Varric: Heh, if he crunches us, you'll be dead.
* Dorian: That will make it hard to spend my winnings, true.
* Varric: Shouldn't you be married off right now, Sparkler? Have little magelings running around?
* Dorian: (Sighs) If my family had their way.
* Varric: Had someone lined up for you, huh?
* Dorian: Livia Herathinos: Bright girl, hourglass figure, wicked tongue. Relieved I'm gone, I expect.
* Varric: Sounds like you two would have made a happy couple.
* Dorian: Oh yes. Trading coy insults at every party would have been a delight.
* Varric: What do you think, Sparkler? Ten royals says the next thing we run into farts fire.
* Dorian: I'll take that bet. I win either way.
* Dorian: All right, never let it be said I don't pay my debts. Here you are: five royals.
* Varric: I tried to warn you.
* Dorian: I had no idea nugs possess such creepy little feet. The stuff of nightmares.
* Dorian: You know, Varric, I went to Kirkwall once.
* Varric: Yeah?
* Dorian: Bit of a shithole.
* Varric: (in a nostalgic sigh) Yeah…
* Varric: Planning on settling that fifty crown debt anytime soon, Sparkler?
* Dorian: And if I don't? Do you have tiny enforcers come strip me of my holdings?
* Varric: Oh, I don't know. I suppose I could always send a letter to your family...
* Dorian: The dwarf plays dirty. All right, all right, you win. This time.
* Varric: I see you eyeing Bianca, Sparkler. Hands to yourself.
* Dorian: I wouldn't worry, she's not my type.
* Varric: Huh. And here I thought you're a man of refined taste.
* Dorian: For fine wine and literature, Varric. Not for… whatever that contraption is.
* Varric: Contraption!? Don't listen to him, sweetheart. His people are vilified for a reason.
* Dorian: Varric, are you and Cassandra…?
* Varric: What? No! Why would you even ask that?
* Dorian: Truly? Bizarre.
* Cassandra: I'm right here!
* Dorian: See? She's right there. What are you waiting for?
* Varric: Just because two people dislike each other doesn't mean they're about to kiss, Sparkler.
* Dorian: Not according to your books.
* Varric: Don't mistake me for that hack who wrote Hard in Hightown II. I can spell.
* Varric: So, Sparkler, what do you think of the Inquisition so far?
* Dorian: It's interesting, I'll give you that. An archdemon attacking me is a first.
* Varric: Five royals says you see something weirder before the day ends.
* Dorian: I don't think I should take that bet.
* Varric: I got to ask, does any of this shit make sense to you?
* Dorian: To me? Are you referring to the giant hole in the sky? Or the creature out of Chantry cautionary tale who wants to be a god?
* Varric: Either. I'm feeling generous.
* Dorian: What's the problem? Someone shows up, tears the place apart, declares himself king? That's half of history.
* Varric: Corypheus is that terrifying drunk nobody'll ask to leave?
* Dorian: Even after he puts a hole in the ceiling. Terribly common.
* Dorian: You owe me twenty royals, Varric. I'd like them paid in candied dates.
* Varric: I haven't lost that wager yet.
* Dorian: You said we'd be ass-deep in trouble. This is more like knee-high.
* Varric: I didn't specify whose ass, did I?
* Dorian: Leave it to a dwarf, always lowering the bar.
* Dorian: Varric, when you were at the Winter Palace, did you meet Celene's handmaidens?
* Varric: The ones that finish each other's sentences? Yes I did.
* Dorian: They were asking me about you. Personal things.
* Varric: Err... how personal?
* Dorian: Something about your chest hair, and whether you were currently... involved with anyone.
* Varric: Huh, creepy.
* Dorian: So these books you write, Varric... who actually reads them?
* Varric: Why, anyone with some taste and a lust for adventure.
* Dorian: That's a lot of people? Do the southern masses even know how to read?
* Varric: (sighs.) Such an elitist.
* Dorian: Yes? I left my homeland, Varric, I didn't up and turn peasant.
* Dorian: I'd assumed you'd go up to Weisshaupt with Hawke, Varric.
* Varric: Still business to deal with here, don't you think?
* Dorian: You should be thankful. I've been to Weisshaupt. It's not good. Carved into a mountain, cold, dour, everyone so bloody serious they can't take a piss... you wouldn't like it.
* Varric: Hawke would be there.
* Dorian: And he/she is quite the ray of sunshine, that's true.
* Dorian: Varric, did I hear this right? You met Corypheus before?
* Varric: We didn't have tea and crumpets, Sparkler. I was there when he woke up.
* Dorian: And he said, what? "Hello, I'm one of the magisters who broke into the Black City. Pleased to meet you!"
* Varric: More like (clear throats) "Argh, I'm a darkspawn! Dumat! Dumat!" Then Hawke killed him.
* Dorian: Not very well, it appears.
* Varric: Tell me about it.
* Varric: So I hear you're kind of the black sheep in your family, Sparkler.
* Dorian: Where does that saying come from? I'm not a sheep. No one in my family could be described a "sheep".
* Varric: I'm just saying, you and I have... something in common.
* Dorian: Goodness, I had no idea.
* Varric: Okay, not that much in common.
* Dorian: Come on just answer the question, Varric
* Varric: My mother didn't raise any morons, Sparkler, I won't touch that one.
* Dorian: You must have an opinion. And you're a dwarf! Completely unbiased!
* Varric: There's no way I'm answering "which inquisition mage is the best-dressed." Not for all the gold in Orzammar.
(Only if Vivienne is also in the party)
* Vivienne: Also, the answer is obvious.
* Varric: So you're not in the magisterium?
* Dorian: For the last time: Not everyone in the Imperium is a magister.
* Varric: But they do pretty much hand out seats like they're candy.
* Dorian: Yes, but it's that black licorice candy with salt on it, not the good kind.
* Dorian: Care to play another game of cards when we get back to Skyhold, Varric?
* Varric: Not if it's with your crazy Tevinter rules.
* Dorian: Now, now, nobody ever died from those. Lately.
* Dorian: Varric, you've seen this "red lyrium" before, yes?
* Varric: Wish I hadn't.
* Dorian: Do you know if a mage could access its power?
* Varric: Don't go there, Sparkler. Don't wonder if it's useful. Don't even think about it. 
* Varric: Just stay far away, and hope none of it gets to your stupider cousins back home.
== Varric and Iron Bull ==
* Varric: You know, I met the Arishok.
* Iron Bull: Oh, the old one? Man, he had an impressive rack. The new Arishok doesn't have horns at all. Usually means they're destined for something special.
* Varric: I met him too. The only thing they seem to have in common is a tendency to burn things.
* Iron Bull: That pretty much sums up the Antaam, yes.
* Varric: So, you're Ben-Hassrath, eh? The spies of the qunari.
* Iron Bull: Oh, you've heard of us?
* Varric: I spent some time in Kirkwall.
* Iron Bull: That must have been fun.
* Varric: You could say that.
* Varric: You're not the first Ben-Hassrath I've run across. Hawke and I went on a caper with one named Tallis.
* Iron Bull: You don't say.
* Varric: She caused us no end of trouble. You wouldn't know her by any chance?
* Iron Bull: Hey, one time I ran into this dwarf on the road. Short, grouchy. You think you might know him?
* Varric: I'm in the Merchant Guild. Ten royals says I not only know him—he owes me money.
* Iron Bull: Oh. Well... no. I don't know Tallis. Sorry.
* Varric: How could you possibly be a spy?
* Iron Bull: Well, it's a pretty easy job. I do some fighting, and drinking, and then once in a while I tell Par Vollen about it.
* Varric: Heh. Where's the sneaking, the plotting, the subtle machinations?
* Iron Bull: If you do that, everyone knows you're a spy. Drinking, fighting, writing notes, that's all it really takes.
* Varric: Shit. You're either the worst qunari ever, or the best. I can't decide.
* Iron Bull: Still waiting for me to do something sneaky and spy-like?
* Varric: I'll see magical dwarves flying through the sky before that happens.
* Iron Bull: Good! Because I'm supposed to ask about your friend Isabela.
* Varric: See? And I still can't tell if you're shitting me! Sometimes, you're so qunari it makes my head hurt.
* Iron Bull: So, your girlfriend is a smith.
* Varric: Yes...?
* Iron Bull: She makes weapons... with her own hands?
* Varric: Among other things...
* Iron Bull: That's hot.
(Inquisitor romanced Bull)
* Varric: So, Bull. You and the Inquisitor, huh?
* Iron Bull: Mm-hmm.
* Varric: I'd love some impressions. Imagery. Something for my next book.
* Iron Bull: Sorry. That room is for her/him and me. No one else invited.
* Varric: Safe harbor from the storm outside?
* Iron Bull: All right, now you're just making it weird.
* Iron Bull: Hey, don't most dwarves have beards? Or at least mustaches or something?
* Varric: I make up for it elsewhere.
* Iron Bull: You're a damn fine marksman. How do you manage that while staring up at everyone's ass the whole time?
* Varric: In the world of tall people, you find ways to keep them from tripping over you.
* Iron Bull: You've ever get the asses mixed up?
* Varric: If I do, Tiny, you'll be the first to know.
* Iron Bull: So, in your books, the stuff with the spies is all wrong.
* Varric: If only I'd had you around to consult.
* Iron Bull: That "blue swan flies at midnight" stuff doesn't work. Most times, you pass information on the dead drop. No meetings at all.
* Varric: Bah... where's the drama in that?
* Iron Bull: Urgh... can you mess up the realism of something else? Like lyrium smuggling.
* Iron Bull: By the way, Varric, you write some nice fight scenes.
* Varric: Well, thank you. I'm surprised you think so. They're not exactly realistic.
* Iron Bull: I figured that out when the good guy did a backflip while wearing a chain mail shirt.
* Varric: And that didn't bother you?
* Iron Bull: Back in Seheron, I fell on a guy who tried to stab me in the gut. I felt the blade chip as it went through my gut and hit my back ribs. But I was alive, and on top. I sawed through the armor on the rebel's neck, back and forth, until it went red. I don't need a book to remind me that the world is full of horrible crap.
* Varric: Impossible swashbuckling it is.
* Varric: Hey, Tiny, any chance you could get out of the way when I'm trying to shoot?
* Iron Bull: Maybe you should stand in front of me. I'd still have a clear shot at all the bad guys from the knees up.
* Iron Bull: Hey, Varric. You get that thing I asked about?
* Varric: It should be there next time we head back to base. Not easy to find, by the way.
* Iron Bull: Mmm. How do you guys live without this stuff?
* Varric: I don't see what the deal is, honestly, but different tastes...
* Iron Bull: Now I just need some hot milk and some of those Orlesian guimauves to put in it.
* Varric: Hey, what you do with this "cocoa" is up to you. I don't need to hear about it.
* Varric: Why go with iron? Iron is brittle. Why not call yourself the Steel Bull or something.
* Iron Bull: Steel Bull is already taken by a pit fighter in Antiva city. Thought about Veridium, but it turns out that there's two exotic dancers in Llomerryn that use that one. Identical twins.
* Varric: Hm... silverite?
* Iron Bull: Tavern in Rialto.
* Varric: (Laughs.) So iron was the only thing left.
* Iron Bull: Well, I could have gone into textiles, but that sends the wrong message.
* Varric: I've got to ask, what's with qunari and their swords?
* Iron Bull: That's just the warriors. Ben-Hassrath use whatever tool's right for the job. Besides, didn't you name your crossbow after a woman?
* Varric: Huh. Point taken.
* Varric: Is the Qun some kind of big secret? How come no qunari I've met will explain it even slightly?
* Iron Bull: It's not a secret. It's just too big for a quick chat. "Tell me about the Qun" is like saying "Tell me about economics". Most qunari know just enough to get by. It's like a blind dwarf trying to figure out a dragon by touch. Only the priests really have the whole picture. And they spend their whole lives figuring that crap out.
* Varric: Well, I'll leave them to it then.
* Iron Bull: You know what I miss? Horn balm. It's impossible to get it out here.
* Varric: Really? Back in Kirkwall, you couldn't kick open a crate without finding a jar of the stuff!
* Iron Bull: Really? You got any?
* Varric: Ah, no. We usually just threw it away.
* Iron Bull: (Grumbles.) ...horns itching... (Grumbles.)
* Iron Bull: Ah, these are the types of fights I love.
* Varric: Really?
* Iron Bull: Every day back in Seheron I waited for a dagger in the back. Is that civilian secretly working for the Vints? Or is she just scared because she's caught between us and them? Here, the bad guys practically have signs. It's so much easier.
* Varric: Well, it is simpler, I give you that.
* Iron Bull: Hey, Varric, are you gonna write me into one of your stories?
* Varric: How could I not?
* Iron Bull: When you do, make sure you describe the musculature right. 'Cause this isn't just endurance work—there was a lot of strength training to get here. You wanna use words like "rippling," or "ripped". "Ripped" is good too.
* Varric: Hmm... The Iron Bull's belly was prone to rippling after every meal. He rarely wore shirts as they ripped under the strain.
* Iron Bull: That hurts, Varric. That's hurtful.
* Iron Bull: Hey, Varric, I was reading your stuff... Where do your bad guys come from?
* Varric: Well, some of them come from Tevinter and some are Ben-Hassrath spies... but I like the stories where the villain was the man beside you the whole time. The best villains don't see themselves as evil. They're fighting for a good cause, willing to get their hands dirty.
* Iron Bull: All right, that's really deep and all, but I meant where do the bad guys come from literally? The way you write it, it's like they just fall from the sky and land on top on the hero.
* Varric: I like to leave some things to the reader's imagination.
* Varric: You doing all right, Bull? I heard you breathing a little hard after the last fight.
* Iron Bull: (Grunts.) Lung exercises. Clearing the stale humors. It's a Qun thing.
* Varric: Uh-Huh...
* Iron Bull: Hey... some of us have to swing a giant hunk of metal instead of pulling our girlfriend's trigger from the back ranks.
* Varric: (Laughs.) Ouch.
* Iron Bull: Too close to home?
* Varric: No, no... that was good. I should find some way to work that into my next book.
* Iron Bull: All right, but it was my line. You're gonna credit me in the acknowledgements, right?
== Varric and Sera ==
* Sera: Stop doing that. I can hear how you're looking at me.
* Sera: You’re doing that thing where you describe what we’re doing.
* Varric: Narration, and you can hear how I’m looking?
* Sera: That’s a thing. Just stop it!
* Varric: I will try my best not to do the impossible.
* Varric: Enjoying the Inquisition so far, Buttercup?
* Sera: Oh sure, right? Happy as a pig in clover.
* Varric: "Shit."
* Sera: What?
* Varric: The phrase is commonly “happy as a pig in shit."
* Sera: Really? Eugh. Nature’s rubbish.
* Varric: No argument there.
* Sera: Alright, why “Buttercup”?
* Varric: You seem the type. Or exactly not the type. I forget how these things are supposed to work sometimes.
* Sera: You don’t forget anything.
* Varric: And you noticed! That’s why you’re Buttercup.
* Sera: So why are you here? Slumming it with us lowlies? Get your fun that way?
* Varric: You’ve seen nobles. You think I’d get any fun hanging out with them?
* Sera: Right. “Them”.
* Sera: Dwarves are weird.
* Varric: No argument here.
* Sera: You’re doing this wrong!
* Sera: I read one of your books, Varric.
* Varric: The whole book?
* Sera: Shut it. Anyway, it was boring. Your "adventures" are boring. I've seen way better just walking around.
* Varric: That's because you do things. Escapist fiction for you would be cross-stitch or knitting.
* Sera: Oh! Knitting is brilliant! It's stabby sewing!
* Sera: Aren’t you supposed to tell fun stories? Why are they all so boring?
* Varric: See, I’d be offended if I didn’t know your “boring” actually means “made of words”.
* Varric: So, what exactly is the deal with the Friends of Red Jenny?
* Sera: Why are you lot always on about this? There's no deal. You just do things.
* Varric: Just... "things." Like... whatever?
* Sera: Just things.
* Varric: Like the, what, the hundred or so groups in Kirkwall, that sat around all night dressed as guards or exotic dancers, waiting to jump out and hit someone?
* Sera: Nah, a friend shut them out. But they were legend, right?
* Varric: Seriously, Buttercup, nothing about the way you run things could possibly work.
* Sera: They work. They’ve done more. This is just...what I do.
* Varric: Well what you do doesn’t make sense.
* Sera: Oh yeah? Well, you don’t make sense either.
* Varric: (sigh) Should I push, or am I just setting myself up for: “Your face doesn’t make sense”?
* Sera: Your--shut it!
* Varric: You were in Denerim, huh?
* Sera: I’ve been lots of places.
* Varric: From what I’ve heard, the Jenny thing wasn’t so playful down there.
* Sera: Right, well, everyone knows an arse or two.
* Varric: I’m just saying, it seems like you’re not having the effect you could.
* Sera: Well, hello third arse.
* Varric: You know, Buttercup, you might get better results from your "friends" if you planned ahead a little.
* Sera: See? That’s how I know you’re not really one of us. You think like a noble.
* Varric: Nah, I’m more of a pretender, really.
* Sera: You--what?
* Varric: Keep acting like a big shot and hope it sticks. That’s pretty much how the surface dwarf thing works.
* Varric: Doesn’t matter. Point is, if you put a little more work in, you could pull off much bigger pranks.
* Varric: Think about it.
* Varric: So you bagged the silver? Sent letters the first night, then six friends by the river?
* Sera: Bartered the keys and never even saw lordy. Half the fun, but that’s all right. Twice the take!
* Varric: That was just the start, Buttercup, a maneuver to increase pressure and reward in a secondary caper.
* Sera: Yeah! A what?
* Inquisitor: You two aren’t causing too much trouble, I hope.
* Varric: Causing? No. Harnessing is a better word.
* Sera: Smarty-pants here really knows how to wring them out.
Or
* Inquisitor: I’m sure this spirit of cooperation will benefit the Inquisition somehow.
* Varric: I would say we have indeed made investments that will flower in future dividends.
* Sera: I’m buying you two crowns!
Or if Inquisitor says nothing:
* Sera: Do you think anyone heard?
* Varric: Yes, but if you plan it right, it doesn't matter. Then you publish.
* Sera: I dunno why you’re so smug. I know way more people than you.
* Varric: Quality over quantity.
* Sera: Pbblt! Winner over loser.
* Sera: You’re not better than me, you know.
* Varric: When did that come up?
* Sera: So what if you have "friends" who do shit for you and are "organized."
* Varric: I’m pretty sure we were never having this fight, Buttercup.
* Varric: And probably still aren’t.
* Sera: That problem you had down the Bannorn? Fixed it.
* Varric: Now why would you think I had concerns out that way?
* Sera: I’m still better at having chatty friends. Anyway, your caravan got away.
* Varric: Hypothetically, how many people did that cost?
* Sera: One angry cook and a side of bad pork. The shits stop a search as well as anything. Not every plan needs days and ropes and stuff.
* Varric: Buttercup, the kitchen’s missing all their lard. Was that you?
* Sera: (snorting laughter) Yeah.
* Varric: You know, I don’t even want to ask what you did with it. I just want to say…
* Varric: Nice work.
* Sera: Who names their bow? It’s just a thing. That’s stupid.
* Varric: It’s a crossbow. One of a kind. And far smarter than current company.
* Sera: Oh, kiss it already. And tell Booty, Coaty and...other Booty, I’m real sorry.
* Varric: We’re a very forgiving family.
* Varric: You’re eyeing Bianca, Buttercup. She’s taken.
* Sera: That thing is too complicated. Lots to break.
* Varric: She’s a particular lady, but the rewards more than match the effort.
* Sera: That means you agree but don’t want her to know. But “she’s” just a thing!
* Varric: Someone’s jealous. She has that effect.
* Sera: Someone’s an arse. You. You’re an arse.
* Sera: So Bianca? (giggles)
* Varric: Nope. Not going there.
* Sera: That's what she said, probably. Because you two are friggin' weird.
* Varric: Fair point, Buttercup. Fair point.
* Sera: Why don't you have real Bianca instead of fingering your fake?
* Varric: It's... complicated.
* Sera: But you handle things. Secret network and all that.
* Varric: Dwarven ways are dug in deep. Let's just say I don't quite have the reach. She lacks a certain flexibility.
* Sera: Pity. Now I wonder how you two look naked.
* Varric: We're dwarves, so like I said I don't have the... you know, I'll just leave that one to you.
* Sera: What?
(If Inquisitor is in a relationship with Sera)
* Varric: Be careful Buttercup. These sorts of romances often don't end well.
* Sera: What sorts? What are you on about now?
* Varric: You bagged yourself a rare breed, the driver of a story, a protagonist. And a good story. Well, that's about hurting good characters and seeing how they react. I've seen it. And wrote it. A thousand times. Expect some dramatic bumps in the road that's all.
* Sera: She's human. Not whatever you said. Weirdy.
(If the Inquisitor is a dwarf and in a relationship with Sera)
* Sera: I think it bugs her that dwarves are so smooshy.
* Varric: We are adorable.
* Sera: You? You’re just itchy. With your hair and...words.
* Varric: But still irresistibly cute. It’s my burden to bear.
* Sera: Ugh. I get it, alright? You have better friends somewhere else.
* Varric: I'm not used to being so uninvolved in my own conversations. What did I do now? 
* Sera: All growly, never eye to eye. You miss people. Fine. Are you full-up or something? 
* Varric: Look, Buttercup, it's hard to start a new story before you set down the old one. 
* Sera: Ugh, again with books. Get a ruddy shelf. You know, that holds more than one?
* Varric: That was almost a coherent metaphor. 
* Sera: Piss off. Or thanks. Piss off!
== Varric and Solas ==
* Solas: Varric, you joined the Inquisition when seeker Pentaghast questioned you? 
* Varric: She was very insistent that I help.
* Solas: Interesting. 
* Varric: What's Interesting?
* Solas: It surprised me that an elven apostate is the one who joined the Inquisition voluntarily.
* Solas: By the end of Hard in Hightown, almost every character is revealed as a spy or a traitor.
* Varric: Wait, you read my book? 
* Solas: It was in the Inquisition library. Everyone but Donnen turned out to be in disguise. Is that common?
* Varric: Are we still talking about books or are you asking if everyone I know is a secret agent?
* Solas: Are there many tricksters in dwarven literature?
* Varric: A handful, but they're the exception. Mostly they're just honoring the ancestors. It's very dull stuff. Human literature? Now there's where you'll find the tricky, clever, really deceptive types. 
* Solas: Curious.
* Varric: Not really. Dwarves write how they want things to be. Humans write to figure out how things are.
* Varric: So, here we are, elf, cleaning up another human mess.
* Sera (if in party): Who you calling elfy, jackhole?
* Varric: Not you, other elf.
* Solas: What would the Inquisition do without our stabilizing influence, Master Tethras?
* Varric: I assume they'd just start burning things.
* Solas: That does sound like most humans I know. 
* Cassandra (if in party): If you gentlemen are quite finished?
* Varric: Now, now, don't get touchy. We're just here to lend you simple humans our help.
* Solas: Before you cause everything to explode.
* Varric: Again.
* Solas: Varric, you fought Corypheus once before?
* Varric: Not my fondest memory, but yes, I did. 
* Solas: And you killed him. You were certain of his death?
* Varric: Yes. What's on your mind, Chuckles?
* Solas: He survived the explosion that destroyed the Conclave. 
* Solas: If he can live through a blast that levels a mountaintop, we would do well to determine how. 
* Varric: Even if we knew, would that help us? 
* Varric: The Wardens couldn't kill him, and they had a thousand years to figure it out.
* Varric: You really spend most of your time in the Fade?
* Solas: As much as is possible. The Fade contains a wealth of knowledge for those who know where to look.
* Varric: Sure, but I don't know how you dream, let alone wander around in there.
* Varric: Especially when the shit that comes out of the Fade generally seems pretty cranky.
* Solas: So are humans, but we continue to interact with them... when we must.
* Varric: You know what I like about you, Chuckles? Your boundless optimism.
* Solas: It's comforting that whatever qualities I lack, you'll invent for me, Varric.
* Varric: No, really. Why else would an elven apostate help crazy Chantry folk close a hole in the sky?
* Solas: When you put it like that, I must concede your point.
* Solas: Is it true that the entire dwarven economy relies upon lyrium?
* Varric: Mostly. We've got the nug market cornered as well.
* Solas: And the dwarves of Orzammar have never studied lyrium?
* Varric: If they have, they certainly haven't shared anything up here. Why?
* Solas: It is the source of all magic, save that which mages bring themselves.
* Solas: Dwarves alone have the ability to mine it safely. I wondered if they had sought to learn more.
* Varric: The folks back in Orzammar don't care much about anything but tradition.
* Solas: Do you ever miss life beneath the earth? The call of the Stone?
* Varric: Nah. Whatever the Stone - capital S - is, it was gone by the time my parents had me.
* Solas: But... do you miss it?
* Varric: How could I miss what I never had?
* Varric: But say I did have that sense, that connection to the Stone. What would it cost me?
* Varric: Would I lose my friends up here? Would I stop telling stories?
* Varric: I like who I am. If I want to hear songs, I'll go to the tavern.
* Solas: You are wiser than most.
───────
* Solas: I find the fall of the dwarven lands confusing.
* Varric: What's so confusing about endless darkspawn?
* Solas: A great deal, although that is a different matter. Dwarves control the flow of lyrium. They could tighten their grip on it.
* Varric: It's hard to get the attention of the humans when the darkspawn aren't up here messing with their stuff.
* Solas: You're active in the Carta. You know your people could tug the purse strings. You could claim sovereign land on the surface, or demand help restoring the dwarven kingdom, but you don't.
* Varric: You're not saying anything I haven't said myself, Chuckles. Orzammar is what it is.
───────
* Solas: Is there at least a movement to reunite Orzammar and Kal-Sharok?
* Varric: What is it with you, Chuckles? Why do you care so much about the dwarves?
* Solas: Once, in the Fade, I saw the memory of a man who lived alone on an island. Most of his tribe had fallen to beasts or disease. His wife had died in childbirth. He was the only one left. He could have struck out on his own to find a new land, new people. But he stayed. He spent every day catching fish in a little boat, every night drinking fermented fruit juice and watching the stars.
* Varric: I can think of worse lives.
* Solas: How can you be happy surrendering, knowing it will all end with you? How can you not fight?
* Varric: I suppose it depends on the quality of the fermented fruit juice.
* Solas: So it seems.
* Solas:: I am sorry to have bothered you with my questions about your people Varric. I see so much of this world in dreams. Humans, my own people, even qunari. Dwarves alone were lost to me, save scattered fragments of memory where some spirit cared to watch. Now I know why I see so little.
* Varric: And why is that?
* Solas:: Dwarves are the severed arm of a once mighty hero, lying in a pool of blood. Undirected. Whatever skill of arms it had, gone forever. Although it might twitch to give the appearance of life, it will never dream.
* Varric: I'd avoid mentioning that to any Carta, Chuckles. They might not take it the right way.
* Varric: What's with you and the doom stuff? Are you always this cheery or is the hole in the sky getting to you?
* Solas: I've no idea what you mean.
* Varric: All the "fallen empire" crap you go on about. What's so great about empires anyway?
* Varric: So we lost the Deep Roads, and Orzammar is too proud to ask for help. So what? We're not Orzammar and we're not our empire.
* Varric: There are tens of thousands of us living up here in the sunlight now, and it's not that bad.
* Varric: Life goes on. It's just different than it used to be.
* Solas: And you have no concept of what that difference cost you.
* Varric: I know what it didn't cost me. I'm still here, even after all those thaigs fell.
* Solas: You truly are content to sit in the sun, never wondering what you could've been, never fighting back.
* Varric: Ha, you've got it all wrong, Chuckles. This is fighting back.
* Solas: How does passively accepting your fate constitute a fight?
* Varric: In that story of yours—-the fisherman watching the stars, dying alone. You thought he gave up, right?
* Solas: Yes.
* Varric: But he went on living. He lost everyone, but he still got up every morning. He made a life, even if it was alone. 
* Varric: That's the world. Everything you build, it tears down. Everything you've got, it takes. And it's gone forever.
* Varric: The only choices you get are to lie down and die or keep going. He kept going. That's as close to beating the world as anyone gets.
* Solas: Well said. Perhaps I was mistaken.
* Solas: That crossbow is remarkable, Varric. I am surprised the dwarves have not made more of them.
* Varric: The woman who made Bianca would rather that not happen. Wars are bloody enough as it is.
* Varric: A crossbow that fires this far and this quickly with so little training? Every battle would be a massacre.
* Solas: Indeed. I am surprised, not disappointed.
* Solas: I have heard your books are very popular, Master Tethras.
* Varric: I do all right. 
* Solas: I am glad of it.
* Varric: Really? No sarcasm, no superior attitude?
* Solas: We live in a dark and angry time, child of the Stone. So much of what people believe has come crashing down.
* Solas: If you bring them a little peace with the worlds you make between the pages, you have done more than most.
* Varric: Hey Chuckles, do you ever play Wicked Grace?
* Solas: I'm not much of a gambler anymore.
* Varric: You don't have to play for real coin, that's just for keeping score.
* Solas: What do you play for?
* Varric: Conversation mostly. That way I win no matter how the cards fall.
* Solas: The Grey Wardens allow elves and dwarves into their ranks?
* Varric: Qunari too, I imagine. They don't care about titles or blood, just stopping the Blight.
* Solas: A pity they do it so badly then.
* Blackwall: Would you care to repeat that?
* Solas: Argue if you like, your fight against the darkspawn is noble, but what progress have you made?
* Varric: Give them some credit, it's not like you can study the Blight safely. I may not like everything they've done, but without the Wardens, we'd all be blighted by now.
* Solas: They've bought us some time, I will grant them that.
* Varric: Did you see the look on those nobles' faces back at the Winter Palace, Chuckles?
* Solas: They seemed unaccustomed to seeing elves without servant's livery... or dwarves at all.
* Varric: (Laughs) Priceless. It's definitely going in my next story.
* Solas: Are you planning a chapter filled with courtly intrigue?
* Varric: Close. I need to describe the face someone makes when they choke down something terrible.
* Varric: I can't wait for Chuckles to say something about the Veil
* Solas: I don't always mention the Veil.
* Cassandra: You do. Always. 
* Dorian: You do. You really do.
* Iron Bull: Yeah, you do.
* Vivienne: Of course you do, darling.
* Inquisitor/Blackwall: Yes, you do.
* Cole: You do think about it a lot.
* Varric: See? Told you.
== Varric and Vivienne==
* Varric: Your accent's not Orlesian, Iron Lady. Where are you from originally?
* Vivienne: I was born in Wycome, if you must know.
* Varric: You're a fellow Marcher?
* Vivienne: Wycome is a civilized city-state. Unlike some.
* Varric: Yeah. Starkhaven is pretty much a collection of howling barbarians.
* Vivenne: Which is just slightly less foul than Tantervale.
* Vivienne: Am I to understand, Varric, that you knew the apostate who destroyed Kirkwall's chantry?
* Varric: Unfortunately, yes.
* Vivienne: What could he possibly have hoped to accomplish with such madness?
* Varric: Exactly what he got: a whole lot of innocent people killing each other.
* Vivienne: I take it he's no longer on your Wintersend gift list.
* Varric: Depends. Does a flaming sack of bronto dung count as a gift?
* Vivienne: Only if you tie it with a silk ribbon, my dear.
* Vivienne: You know, Varric darling, I read your Hard in Hightown.
* Varric: You did? Seriously?
* Vivienne: Most of the Imperial Court did. It was in fashion a few winters ago.
* Varric: Just how much gold is my publisher stealing from me?
* Varric: So, Enchanter to the Imperial Court? That's a fancy title.
* Vivienne: How very observant.
* Varric: Why aren't you holed up with the empress in Halamshiral?
* Vivienne: Grand Duke Gaspard laid siege to the city while I was attending to business for the Circle.
* Varric: Lucky for you, I guess.
* Vivienne: The Circle shattered, the empire is at war, and the Divine is dead. Only an imbecile would consider this "lucky."
* Varric: You've got to have a few good stories about the court—intrigue, scandal, seductions?
* Vivienne: I do. But it doesn't necessarily follow that I would share them.
* Varric: Not even an amusing anecdote? You don't want a chance to bring someone down or boast a little?
* Vivienne: Not to you, darling. Where's the benefit there?
* Vivienne: Do say whatever you're thinking, darling. If you hold it in any longer, your face will split apart.
* Varric: No, no, I don't want to bother you.
* Vivienne: It's your face.
* Varric: It's just... I was wondering how you got your nickname: Madame De Fer.
* Vivienne: It was bestowed by a Marquise, sadly no longer with us.
* Varric: Alright, that's a good one. I'm writing that down for later.
* Vivienne: Am I to understand that you... are writing a book about me?
* Varric: Well, it's just notes right now.
* Vivienne: What kind of book is it?
* Varric: I was planning on a political thriller: some backstabbing, power grabbing, maybe a murder or two. The Winter Palace was kind of inspiring and uh... apparently I've got plenty of readers there.
*Varric: I've never really done an Orlesian serial. It's a gamble, but, eh, you never know.
* Vivienne: And what role do I play in this thriller of yours?
* Varric: Actually, (nervous laugh), you're the villain.
* Vivienne: (laughs)
* Varric: Alright, how much trouble am I in for this book?
* Vivienne: Don't be ridiculous, darling. Why would you be in trouble?
* Varric: For the villain thing?
* Vivienne: Not at all! I find it delightful.
* Varric: Seriously?
* Vivienne: My dear, if I didn't want for people to fear me, I wouldn't dress like this. The book is perfect.
* Vivienne: Varric, darling, what manner of villain am I in your novel?
* Varric: You're the scheming duchess, coldly maneuvering her political rivals... into a trap.
* Vivienne: Yes, but what am I wearing? You are not going to describe me in anything less than the latest fashions, are you?
* Varric: I'm... going to spend the next few weeks researching Orlesian gowns, aren't I?
* Vivienne: Yes, my dear. And my mask should be inlaid with opals.
* Vivienne: How many chapters will this book be, Varric dear?
* Varric: Well, the first one will come out in twelve chapters.
* Vivienne: The first one?
* Varric: I've read enough Orlesian fictions to know you never tell a story there in fewer than three complete books. They think you're just warming up after one.
* Vivienne: And what happens to the scheming duchess in the first book?
* Varric: Are you asking for spoilers, Madame De Fer?
* Vivienne: Hints, darling. Not spoilers.
* Vivienne: You never answered my question, Varric darling.
* Varric: You still want "hints" for how my unfinished serial will turn out?
* Vivienne: I am providing you with details of Orlesian court life. Shouldn't you owe me something in return?
* Varric: I already gave you a big one, Iron Lady.
* Vivienne: Oh, really?
* Varric: Really! If the book is a trilogy, what are the odds the villain can be defeated in book one?
* Vivienne: Hmm. That will do.
* Vivienne: Tell me, Varric, who is the protagonist of this serial?
* Varric: You know, we're so far into spoiler territory right now, I think I better stop talking.
* Vivienne: Come now, darling. You can tell me.
* Varric: Not on your life, Iron Lady. The best way to ensure a book's nevered finish is to tell someone your entire plot.
* Vivienne: Aren't you rather wealthy to be dirtying your hands like this, Varric?
* Varric: Nobody told me there was a cutoff. Besides, Iron Lady, you're no poorer than me.
* Vivienne: I just don't see any profit that would motivate a member of the Merchant's Guild to fight.
* Varric: I don't know. "Not being killed by rampaging demons" seems to be as good as gold to me.
* Varric: I have a serious question for you, Iron Lady.
* Vivienne: I can hardly wait.
* Varric: In the Imperial Court, if someone uses the wrong fork at dinner, is that worse than death or just social suicide?
* Vivienne: It's impossible to say, my dear. Anyone who has ever so misstepped was stabbed to death with the proper fork.
* Vivienne: I cannot understand, Varric, how someone born into wealth and power would choose to live like a peasant.
* Varric: Let's be fair, I live like a rich peasant.
* Vivienne: You ignore your peers and spend your time amongst laborers and criminals in taverns.
* Varric: I wish! These days it's all outposts and marching.
* Vivienne: You know perfectly well what I mean, darling.
* Varric: Look, all those things you like about nobility? Power, wealth, notoriety? Those are the things I hate about it.
* Vivienne: You have very peculiar tastes.
* Varric: Just wait until you meet my friends.
* Vivienne: Varric darling, what's the name of your tailor?
* Varric: Why? I don't think he makes anything in your size.
* Vivienne: I want to send a sternly worded letter.
* Vivienne: I suppose you support the Chantry as a business decision, Varric?
* Varric: No, it's more of a personal decision.
* Vivienne: Really? You can't possibly be one of the faithful.
* Varric: I don't like seeing them explode and destroy cities. Faith's not really a big factor there.
== Varric, Cassandra, and Solas ==
* Varric: So, who do you think is the toughest: Josephine, Leliana, or Cassandra? 
* Cassandra: I'm right here, you know.
* Varric: That doesn't rule you out, Seeker.
* Solas: Cullen's not up for consideration?
* Varric: Curly? They just keep him around to look pretty.
Category:Dragon Age: Inquisition dialogues