Transcripts/The Bat Jar Conjecture

==Season 1 - Episode 13 - The Bat Jar Conjecture    ==
Scene 	Apartment 4A. Howard is looking at his mobile phone.
Howard 	Ooh, more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj 	I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon 	Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating, or, if you will, Pon Farr, it's an extremely private matter.
Leonard 	Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan, they couldn't just conceive.
Howard 	Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of pointy ears and shapely rears.
Raj 	How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same. No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, hey, get your thing out of my nose.
Penny 	(Entering) Hi, can you help me, I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it's just going “aaaaaaa”.
Leonard 	What did you spill on it?
Penny 	Nothing. Diet coke. And yoghurt. A little nail polish.
Leonard 	I'll take a look at it.
Howard 	Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news. Fishman, Chen, Chowdry, McNair aren't fielding a team in the University Physics Bowl this year.
Leonard 	You're kidding, why not?
Howard 	They formed a barbershop quartet, and got a gig playing Knotsberry Farm.
Penny 	Wow, so in your world, you're like, the cool guys.
Howard 	Recognize.
Leonard 	This is our year! With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod.
Penny 	Zod?
Howard 	Kryptonian villain. Long story.
Raj 	Good story. (Clasps hands to mouth in shock.)
Sheldon 	Well count me out.
Howard 	What? Why?
Sheldon 	You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Leonard 	Come on, you need a four-person team, we’re four people.
Sheldon 	By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
Penny 	I want tickets to that please.
Leonard 	Sheldon, what, do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you.
Sheldon 	No, don't.
Leonard 	The needs of the many.
Howard 	Outweigh the needs of the few.
Sheldon 	Or the one. Dammit, I'll do it.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	The cafeteria.
Raj 	Okay. First order of physics bowl business. We need a truly kick-ass team name. Suggestions.
Howard 	How about the perpetual motion squad? It's beyond the laws of physics, plus a little heads up for the ladies.
Leonard 	The ladies?
Howard 	Perpetual motion squad, we can go all night.
Raj 	I like it.
Sheldon 	I don't. Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating ones opponent.
Raj 	Then we can be the Bengal Tigers.
Sheldon 	Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Raj 	Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal Tiger with a magnifying glass.
Leonard 	Let's put it to a vote. All those in favour....
Sheldon 	Point of order. I move that any vote on team names should be unanimous. No man should be forced to emblazon his chest with the Bengal tiger, when common sense dictates it should be an army ant.
Leonard 	Will the gentleman from the great state of denial yield for a question?
Sheldon 	I will yield.
Leonard 	After we go through the exercise of an annoying series of votes, all of which the gentleman will lose, does he then intend to threaten to quit if he does not get his way?
Sheldon 	He does.
Leonard 	I move we are the Army Ants, all those in favour?
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Penny 	Good afternoon, and welcome to today's physics bowl practice round. I'm Penny, and I'll be your host, because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	Of course.
Howard 	Fire away. (Raj puts his thumb up.)
Penny 	You know, it's none of my business, but isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women going to hold you back a little?
Leonard 	Oh, uh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they're one on one and smell nice.
Penny 	Oh, thanks Raj, it's vanilla oil.
Leonard 	I was actually the one who noticed, okay, let's just start.
Penny 	Okay, the first question is on the topic of optics. What is the shortest light pulse ever produced? Dr Cooper.
Sheldon 	And of course, the answer is 130 adoseconds.
Penny 	That is correct.
Leonard 	I knew that too.
Penny 	Good for you, sweetie. Okay, next question. What is the quantum mechanical effect used to encode data on hard disk drives? Howard.
Sheldon 	And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
Penny 	Right.
Howard 	Hey, I buzzed in.
Sheldon 	But I answered, it's called teamwork.
Howard 	Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.
Sheldon 	By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal. 
Leonard 	Just ask another one.
Penny 	Okay. What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einsteins predicted frame dragging? (Raj buzzes.)
Sheldon 	And of course it's Gravity Probe B.
Leonard 	Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon 	Why?
Penny 	Because it's polite.
Sheldon 	What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny 	Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
Sheldon 	The objective of the competition is to give correct answers, if I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Howard 	Some of us might have the correct answers too.
Sheldon 	Oh please, you don't even have a PhD.
Howard 	Alright, that's it.
Leonard 	Howard, sit down.
Howard 	Okay.
Leonard 	maybe we should take a little break.
Sheldon 	Good idea, I need my wrist brace, all this button pushing is aggravating my old Nintendo injury.
Howard 	(After Raj whispers in his ear) I agree.
Penny 	What did he say?
Howard 	He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve.
Penny 	Yeah, and the bag it came in.
Scene 	The same, later. Sheldon is on his laptop. Leonard enters.
Sheldon 	Leonard, excellent, I want to show you something.
Leonard 	Can it wait, I need to talk to you.
Sheldon 	Just look. I’ve designed the perfect uniforms for our team. The colors are based on Star Trek, the original series. The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
Leonard 	Why do they say AA?
Sheldon 	Army Ants.
Leonard 	Isn't that confusing? AA might mean something else to certain people.
Sheldon 	Why would a physics bowl team be called anodised aluminum?
Leonard 	No, I meant.... never mind. Hey, check it out. I got you a Batman cookie jar!
Sheldon 	Oh neat, what's the occasion?
Leonard 	Well, you're a friend, and you like Batman, and cookies, and you're off the team.
Sheldon 	What?
Leonard 	Howard, Raj and I just had a team meeting.
Sheldon 	No you didn't.
Leonard 	Yes we did, I just came from it.
Sheldon 	Okay, I don't know where you just came from, but it couldn't have been a team meeting because I'm on the team and I wasn't there, ergo the team did not meet.
Leonard 	Okay, let me try it this way, uh, I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you're off the team.
Sheldon 	Why?
Leonard 	Because you're taking all the fun out of it.
Sheldon 	Well, I'm sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
Leonard 	Okay, let me try it this way, you're annoying and no-one wants to play with you any more.
Sheldon 	I see. Well. At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.
Leonard 	Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon 	You're welcome. One more thing.
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	It's on, bitch.
Scene 	The cafeteria.
Howard 	So who'd he get to be on his team.
Leonard 	He won't say. He just smiles, and eats macaroons out of his bat jar.
Raj 	He's using psychological warfare. We must reply in kind. I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like, yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you.
Leonard 	How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj 	Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard 	That sounds more like, we are a tall thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.
Leonard 	Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend and my roommate.
Howard 	So?
Leonard 	So nothing, let's destroy him.
Sheldon 	(Walking past) Gentlemen.
Raj 	Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Howard 	Okay, we’re going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj 	You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard 	Raj, we’re not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj 	How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard 	Gentlemen, I believe I’ve found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard 	We can't ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj 	Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?
Leonard 	Yes.
Howard 	Sometimes you've got to take one for the team.
Raj 	Yeah. Sack up, dude.
Leonard 	Fine. Here I go, taking one for the team. In the sack. Hey Leslie.
Leslie 	Hi guys.
Leonard 	Leslie, I have a question for you, and it might be a little awkward, you know, given that I...
Howard 	Hit that thang.
Leslie 	Leonard, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable just because we’ve seen each other's faces and naked bodies contorted in the sweet agony of coitus.
Leonard 	There's not? Gee, cos it sure sounds like there should be.
Leslie 	Rest assured that any aspects of our sexual relationship regarding your preferences, your idiosyncrasies, your performance, are still protected by the inherent confidentiality of the bedroom.
Leonard 	That's all very comforting, but if it's okay, I'd like to get on with my question now.
Leslie 	Proceed.
Leonard 	We are entering the physics bowl and we need a fourth for our team.
Leslie 	No thanks, I'm really busy with my like sign dilepton super symmetry search.
Howard 	Dilepton, schmilepton, we need you.
Leslie 	Sorry.
Howard 	Well, we tried. Just have to face Sheldon mano-e-mano-e-mano. A-mano.
Leslie 	Wait, you're going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard 	Yes.
Leslie 	That arrogant, misogynistic East-Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard 	She's in.
Scene 	The Physics Bowl.
Penny 	So, how do you feel? Nice and loose? Come to play? Got your game face on? (The guys look confused.) Are you ready?
Leonard 	Oh, yeah. You know you don't have to stay for the whole thing.
Penny 	Oh, no, no, I want to. It sounds really interesting.
Sheldon 	(Entering in his Star Trek themed shirt) Gentlemen.
Leonard 	Sheldon.
Howard 	Sheldon.
Raj 	Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
Penny 	Sheldon. I'm just going to sit down.
Leonard 	So, is that your team.
Sheldon 	Actually, I don't need a team, I could easily defeat you single-handedly. But the rules require four, so may I introduce, the third floor janitor, he lady from the lunchroom, and, my Spanish is not good, either her son or her butcher. And what about your team? What rat have you recruited to the SS Sinking Ship?
Leslie 	Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Leslie Winkle?
Leslie 	Yeah, Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?
Sheldon 	Yes, well, I'm polymerised tree sap and you're non-organic adhesive so, whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory, and adheres to you.
Leslie 	Oh, ouch.
Dr Gablehouser 	Okay, if everyone could please take your seats.
Leonard 	Here's your tee-shirt. (Hands her a tee-shirt with PMS on it. Takes jacket off to reveal similar.)
Leslie 	PMS? It's a couple of days early, but...
Leonard 	No, it stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.
Leslie 	Oh, right, of course, what was I thinking?
Gablehouser 	Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to this year's physics bowl. Today's preliminary match features two great teams... AA versus PMS.
Howard 	All night long, y’all! (Stands and turns round to reveal the back of the tee-shirt which reads “We Can Go All Night”.)
Gablehouser 	Okay, well let's jump right in, first question, for ten points. What is the isospan singlet partner of the Pi Zero Meson? (Buzz) PMS?
Leonard 	The Eta Meson.
Gablehouser 	Correct.
Sheldon 	Formal protest.
Gablehouser 	On what grounds?
Sheldon 	The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Gablehouser 	Denied. Alright, for ten points, what is the lightest element on earth with no stable isotope. (Buzz) AA?
Sheldon 	And of course, the answer is Technetium.
Gablehouser 	Terrific. Next question, what is the force between two uncharged plates due to quantum vacuum fluctuation. (Buzz) PMS?
Raj 	Sheldon can suck on, the Casimir Effect.
Gablehouser 	Correct.
 	(Time shift)
Gablehouser 	How does a quantum computer factor large numbers. (Buzz) PMS?
Leslie 	Shor's Algorithm.
Gablehouser 	Correct.
 	(Time shift)
Sheldon 	4.1855 times ten to the seventh ergs per calorie.
 	(Time shift)
Leonard 	Prevost's theory of exchanges.
 	(Time shift)
Sheldon 	Lamda equals one over Pi R squared N
 	(Time shift)
Howard 	760 degrees Celsius, the approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
Gablehouser 	Mr Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
 	(Time shift)
Sheldon 	A sigma particle.
 	(Time shift)
Leslie 	Yes, assuming the hypothetical planet has a mass greater than the earth.
Gablehouser 	Correct. Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand the final question. The score now stands AA 1150, PMS 1175. So, for one hundred points, and the match, please turn your attention to the formula on the screens. Solve the equation.
Raj 	Holy crap.
Leonard 	What the hell is that.
Howard 	It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Leonard 	Come on, think, Leslie.
Leslie 	Leonard, it's not going to work if you rush me, you have to let me get there.
Leonard 	You're never going to let that go, are you?
Gablehouser 	Ten seconds. (Buzz) PMS.
Leonard 	Sorry, I panicked.
Howard 	Then guess.
Leonard 	Um, eight. (Gablehouser stares at him.) Point four.
Gablehouser 	I'm sorry, that's incorrect. AA, if you can answer correctly, the match is yours.
Howard 	He doesn't have it. He's got squat.
 	(Sheldon looks more and more uncomfortable, so much he is involuntarily twitching.)
Gablehouser 	AA, I need your answer. (Buzz)
Third Floor Janitor	The answer is minus eight by alpha.
Sheldon 	Hang on, hang on a second, that's not our answer. What are you doing?
Third Floor Janitor	Answering question. Winning physics bowl.
Sheldon 	How do you know anything about physics?
Third Floor Janitor	Here I am janitor, in former Soviet Union I am physicist. Leningrad Polytechnica. Go Polar Bears.
Sheldon 	Well that's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything, I answer the questions.
Third Floor Janitor	You didn't answer question.
Sheldon 	Hey look, now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist. (Makes fist in the air). Ow!
Gablehouser 	AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon 	Well it's not what he said.
Gablehouser 	Then what is it?
Sheldon 	I want a different question.
Gablehouser 	You can't have a different question.
Sheldon 	Formal protest.
Gablehouser 	Denied.
Sheldon 	Informal protest.
Gablehouser 	Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon 	No. I decline to provide one.
Gablehouser 	Well, that's too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
Sheldon 	That's your opinion.
Gablehouser 	Alright, the winner of the match is...
Leonard 	Hang on. Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team.
Sheldon 	I don't understand the question.
Leonard 	Go ahead.
Gablehouser 	The winner is PMS!
 	(We Are The Champions by Queen plays as the team celebrate in slow motion and Sheldon puts his head in his hands. The celebration ends with Howard on his knees ripping his shirt in half and waving it round his head before throwing it to the audience.)
Scene 	Apartment 4A. Sheldon goes to sit in his spot.
Leonard 	Sorry, somebody's sitting there.
Sheldon 	Who?
Leonard 	My Physics Bowl Trophy!
Sheldon 	That trophy is meaningless, I forfeited, therefore you did not win.
Leonard 	I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon 	Who?
Leonard 	My Physics Bowl Trophy! (In weird voice) “Leonard is so smart, Sheldon who?”
Sheldon 	Alright that is very immature.
Leonard 	You're right, I'm sorry. (In voice, waving trophy in Sheldon’s face) I'm not!
Penny 	(Entering) Okay, new contest.
Leonard 	What are you doing?
Penny 	I'm settling once and for all who is the smartest around here. Okay, are you ready?
Sheldon 	Absolutely.
Leonard 	Bring it on.
Penny 	Okay. Marsha, Jan and Cindy were the three daughters of what TV family? (They stare at her.) The Brady Bunch. Okay, Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
Sheldon 	(After they look at each other in confusion) The Brady Bunch?
Penny 	Van Halen. Alright, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum. (Pause) Oh my God, Sean Penn!
Leonard 	How do you know these things?
Penny 	I go outside and I talk to people. Alright, here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine's sexiest man alive?
Sheldon 	William Shatner.
Leonard 	Wait, I don't think it's Shatner.
Sheldon 	Then it's got to be Patrick Stewart.
Penny 	No.
Sheldon 	Formal protest.
Penny 	Alright, singer who sang “Oops I Did It Again.” (Sheldon starts involuntarily twitching again.) Okay, Tweetie Bird, taught he taw a what?
Sheldon 	(After they pass a smug look between each other) Romulan.
Penny 	Yes. He taught he taw a Romulan.
 	(Sheldon and Leonard do a victory hand slide.)
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Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)