PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!

PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT! is the sixth episode of season two, and the thirteenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on August 31, 2020
==Plot==
President Trump gets impeached, and he has to face a Senate trial, which Squilliam Fancyson is attempting to influence.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at the Biden residence, where Mr. Banana is dancing to Cuddle Fuddle.]
Mr. Banana: Ah, such wonderful music!
[He notices the camera and stomps on his headphones.]
Mr. Banana: NO! I HATE MUSIC! MUSIC IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
Mr. Biden: Shut up, Jack, I’m trying to focus on what I would do during my presidency.
[Mr. Biden looks at a photo, taken during his Vice Presidential days, of him, his boss President Barack Obama, and a state-of-the-art drone.]
Mr. Biden: That's my boy…I will truly be Obama 2.0! We need to start new wars, not end existing ones. [He tears up.]
Mr. Banana: I can’t believe the impeachment is today, and the trial is tomorrow. Trump is such a damn fool, he attempted to create a scandal for you and ended up turning it into a scandal for himself.
Mr. Biden: What? What did I do?
Mr. Banana: The thing about Hunter Biden being on some random Ukrainian energy company because of you.
Mr. Biden: Who’s Hunter?
Mr. Banana: [confused] Your son?
Mr. Biden: Jack, the only sons of mine are the beautiful, beautiful drones made during the O’Biden-Bama administration.
[Meanwhile at the White House, President Trump picks up the phone to talk to his lawyer, Mr. Rudy Giuliani.]
Mr. Trump: This impeachment is a disgrace. Not only doesn't it look anything like a peach, I’ll only be one of three presidents in history to be given this.
Mr. Giuliani: I mean you do look like a peach...
Mr. Trump: You’re not making fun of my appearance again. I was concerned they came up with a new fruit to call me. I thought the left was tired of calling me a pear.
Mr. Giuliani: Shut up, Donald. You screwed us with your terrible mishandling of covering up your criminal activities.
Mr. Trump: Criminal activity? No! I've never done such a thing.
Mr. Giuliani: Obama was able to get away with a range of war crimes. You made one stupid phone call and now you’re about to get kicked out. Pathetic.
Mr. Trump: Give me a break, Rudy, the Senate won’t remove me!
Mr. Giuliani: How can we be so sure— [Mr. Trump hangs up the phone.]
[Vice President Pence enters the Oval Office.]
Mr. Trump: Can you believe it, Mike? I’m going to get impeached tonight. But I’m not worried though, the Senate shall save me tomorrow.
Mr. Pence: Hmm...to quote your former campaign manager, “money talks”.
Mr. Trump: What do you mean?
Mr. Pence: Squilliam has been putting millions of dollars to encourage grassroots support for your impeachment and removal.
Mr. Trump: You do realize that no one actually cares about the Ukraine thing? In fact, I don’t even think most fish in Bikini Bottom know where that is, I sure don’t.
Mr. Pence: Remember the hurricane we had a few months ago?
Mr. Trump: Yeah, what about it?
Mr. Pence: He released an ad earlier this week concerning that. It’s destroying your approval rating.
Mr. Trump: WHAT?! Show me this ad!
[Mr. Pence shows the ad.]
Squilliam Fancyson: Just a few weeks ago, when a hurricane was approaching Bikini Bottom, what did Trump do? Issue an evacuation order? Assemble a task force of experts? Give me another tax break like he was supposed to do? No, he threatened to nuke it.
[An audio clip of Mr. Trump and a few others in the Oval Office at the time of the incident plays.]
Neocon General: We’ve spent so much money on the wars abroad, and now we have no money to spend on disaster preparedness at home! Ah well, I guess we can say Rock Bottom hacked the weather or something…
Mr. Pence: That sounds good, but Donald has nuked Rock Bottom several times. The city is totally destroyed, how can we say that they hacked the weather?
Mr. Trump: Wait...I got it! Why don’t we just nuke the hurricane?
Mr. Pence: Excuse me?
Mr. Trump: Yeah, just drop it in the eye of the storm, it’ll make the winds go away!
Mr. Pence: I doubt one bomb could dissipate a hurricane, and when it hits Bikini Bottom it would spray nuclear fallout on everything.
Mr. Trump: Two bombs then?
Mr. Pence: You’re going to deal with worldwide condemnation if you launch several nukes in international waters. Pretty sure that violates a whole range of treaties we signed.
Neocon General: Since when did we care about international law?
Mr. Pence: Hmm, fair.
Mr. Trump: Well, I do have one more solution. Grab ‘em by the pussy. You can do anything.
Neocon General: Sir, I don’t think hurricanes have any genitalia.
Mr. Trump: You know what, I won’t do it. The damage will only hit the areas where poor people live, who cares about those losers?
[The audio clip ends.]
Squilliam Fancyson: It is absolutely appalling that Trump wanted to nuke a hurricane, and only went against it because the hurricane would only hurt poor fish—hmm, maybe this isn’t a bad idea after all—I mean, we must demand our elected officials impeach and remove this failure, and vote Squilliam Fancyson in the Republican—I mean, Democratic primary!
[The ad ends.]
Mr. Pence: The hurricane impacted most of the small states, and they carry a disproportionate amount of representation in the Senate. I don’t think the Senate being controlled by Republicans is enough to save you.
Mr. Trump: WHAT? This is an outrage! That meeting was supposed to be a secret! Who recorded it?
Mr. Pence: [nervous] Uhh...the Neocon General?
[Mr. Trump picks up the phone and calls the Neocon General.]
Neocon General: What’s up? Another country to bomb?
Mr. Trump: YOU!
Neocon General: What did I do?
Mr. Trump: You leaked that hurricane thing to the press!
Neocon General: No I didn’t! That was probably Pence!
Mr. Trump: You lied us into all these wars, why should I trust you now?
Neocon General: I’m telling you! Don’t fire me!
Mr. Trump: YOU’RE FIRED!
[Meanwhile, at Mr. Pineapple’s house. Mr. Pineapple and his neighbor, Senator Dan Sullivan of Mount Bikini, have watched the ad.]
Mr. Pineapple: Now THAT was a fantastic orgasm.
Mr. Sullivan: What is the matter with you? Cease that degeneracy at once.
Mr. Pineapple: If you can write the Israel Anti-Boycott Act, I can have a fantastic orgasm. Anyways, will you be voting to convict Trump tomorrow?
Mr. Sullivan: Absolutely not.
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT?!
Mr. Sullivan: Trump has pardoned me whenever I get caught engaging in degeneracy, so I’m simply returning the favor.
Mr. Pineapple: The ad said that so many poor fish were hurt!
Mr. Sullivan: Poor Bikini Bottomite fish. As you said yourself in the debates, any harm done to our citizens is completely justified because of what we did to innocents in other countries.
Mr. Pineapple: Huh, I never thought of that. I’m going to advocate against his impeachment now!
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom House of Representatives. The representatives walk into the chamber, to see Mr. Fancyson standing at the door.]
Mr. Fancyson: Folks, if you impeach the Donald, I’ll fund your re-election campaign! If you don’t, you’re not getting re-elected.
Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Excuse me, even though I’m voting to impeach Trump, you’re not my boss. I only serve the working people of this country. So shut up, I’m not taking your money.
Mr. Fancyson: Why would you want Donald out of here? The working people of this country are worse off ever since he took office, though they aren’t worse off enough—oh, I forgot, he violated the Constitution. Anyways, you’re not getting re-elected since I can’t control your vote!
Ms. Ocasio-Cortez: Tell that to my constituents, they love me!
Mr. Fancyson: Well, you know what they say, "money talks".
[The representatives cast their votes one by one. After all of them have voted, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi makes an announcement.]
Ms. Pelosi: Folks, I’m glad to announce that Mr. I-Love-Golf has been impeached!
Ms. Ocasio-Cortez: I Love Golf?
Ms. Pelosi: It’s a nickname for Trump, you socialist!
Ms. Ocasio-Cortez: That’s a boring nickname. At least call him something like “Mr. I-Want-To Bomb-More-Countries-And-Take-Millions-Of-People-Off-Their-Health-Insurance”.
Ms. Pelosi: I mean there’s nothing wrong with that…
[The President has been impeached, and the Bikini Bottom Senate trial to remove or acquit him will happen tomorrow. Mr. Fancyson walks out of the Capitol and enters his limousine.]
Mr. Fancyson: Assistant, drive me to the homes of the Senators in the states impacted by the hurricane. We’re going to tell them to vote for a conviction, or else everyone in their states will deal with ads that will tell them their senator voted to keep someone who ignored the hurricane because he didn’t care about them!
[Mr. Pepperchicken has hijacked Mr. Fancyson’s limousine.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [grinning] Oh, I’m not your assistant…
Mr. Fancyson: W-WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: You are under arrest for illegal mining in Shell City!
Mr. Fancyson: [screaming] NO!
[The impeachment has been announced to the press. Perch Perkins reports on BBTV.]
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! Donald J. Trump, President of Bikini Bottom has been impeached!
[Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence are watching BBTV from the Oval Office.]
Mr. Trump: PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!
Mr. Pence: [whispering to himself] Just a few more days until the Presidency is mine, yay!
Mr. Trump: WITCH HUNT!
Mr. Pence: [whispering to himself] Geez, calm down, it’s not like you’re going to actually get removed...oh wait...haha!
Mr. Trump: OBAMAGATE! THIS WAS ALL HIM!
Mr. Pence: [whispering to himself] Actually, it was all me! [breaks down in laughter]
Mr. Trump: What are you laughing at?
Mr. Pence: YOU—I mean, those stupid liberals impeaching you! [desperately trying to hold in laughter] The Senate will save you, after all.
Mr. Trump: Indeed they will.
[Mr. Pence laughs harder than he ever has before. Suddenly, his phone rings.]
Mr. Pence: Excuse me [hiccups] I have to take this.
[Mr. Pence walks out of the office, and answers his phone. Mr. Timothy Pepperchicken is calling, and Mr. Vladimir Putin is also on the line.]
Mr. Pepperchicken & Mr. Putin: Greetings, Mr. Pence.
Mr. Pence: Greetings! Why, am I glad to see you guys! This operation is a success!
Mr. Putin: Yes, about that—
Mr. Pence: So, if I recall correctly, this is the plan: Squilliam Fancyson gets a supermajority of the Senators to vote for a conviction, or else they will have to face defeat in the next election. After Trump is removed, I take office, and I’ll do exactly what you say, Vladdy!
Mr. Putin: Actually, the deal is off.
Mr. Pence: WHAT?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Have you seen the last debate?
Mr. Pence: No...what happened?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Get this, that disgusting Fancyson has told us that he’s gay and Jewish! Can you believe it?
Mr. Pence: What are you trying to say?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: As legitimate claimants of Aryan status, we cannot work with dirty scum like this Fancyson.
Mr. Pence: WHERE IS HE?!
Mr. Putin: Rotting in a Shell City jail cell, by now.
Mr. Pence: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: We’ve come up with another plan. Instead of removing him in the Senate trial, I’m going to mount a primary challenge against him. I’ll expose all the times he bent over to those gays and Jews!
Mr. Pence: BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Hmm, you’ve retained your hardline views, perhaps you can remain as VP.
Mr. Pence: FUCK YOU! I HAVE WORKED SO HARD FOR YOU, ONLY TO BETRAY ME! [hangs up phone]
Mr. Trump: [talking from the Oval Office] Mike? What was that screaming I just heard?
Mr. Pence: [whispering in anger] The ruining of my one chance of being the most powerful man in Bikini Bottom…
[The next day. The members of the Bikini Bottom Senate enter the Senate chamber to commence the trial of the President. Chief Justice John Roberts is presiding.]
Mr. Roberts: Greetings damn fools and blasted buffoons, it is I, your Chief Justice! As a moderate, I’m sure I’m able to get along with everybody here.
Mr. Sullivan: Nope. George W. Bush made a mistake in appointing you, considering you sided with the liberals on the court on numerous occasions.
Mr. Sanders: Nope. George W. Bush made a mistake in appointing you, considering you sided with the conservatives on the court on numerous occasions.
Mr. Roberts: Anyways, let’s start the vote. Is President Trump guilty of high crimes and misdemeanors? Senator Sanders?
Mr. Sanders: I vote Guilty! I believe that all war and sex criminals should be punished.
Mr. Roberts: Senator Sullivan?
Mr. Sullivan: I vote Not Guilty! I believe that all war and sex criminals should be released.
Mr. Roberts: Senator Romney?
Mr. Mitt Romney: Hmm, well I did say that Trump didn’t hate immigrants enough. And he only won the election with 46% of the popular vote in 2016, while I lost with 47% of the popular vote in 2012! How unfair! GUILTY!
[Mr. Banana speaks out from the galleries.]
Mr. Banana: Trump absolutely needs to be removed from office. He ordered the assassination of a prominent Rock Bottom Army general earlier this year. It was a blatant violation of international law. If he was credibly accused of killing thousands of innocent people, the right thing to do is to set up an international coalition to apprehend him and transport him to The Hague. Or, better yet, we focus on the real threat to Bikini Bottom, MUSIC!
Mr. Roberts: Sir, you’re not a Senator.
Mr. Banana: I will be. I will wage a war against music, perp scarecrows, daft pigeons, communist pineapples, and sick and deranged rabbits.
Mr. Roberts: Anyways…
[Mr. Roberts records all the votes from the Senators. There were 48 Guilty votes and 52 Not Guilty votes, and 67 Guilty votes were required for removal, so Trump will not be removed. Mr. Romney is the only Republican that voted Guilty.]
[The verdict has been announced to the press. Mr. Perkins reports on BBTV.]
Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! The Senate has voted to acquit President Trump, and he shall remain in office.
[Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence are watching BBTV from the Oval Office.]
Mr. Trump: Ah, I love the Senate. It’s such a nice thing to have. Such a great body—well, not as great as my daughter’s—but you get the point.
Mr. Pence: I could’ve been President if you were convicted… [starts crying]
Mr. Trump: Well, you could’ve, but I am not a loser.
[Mr. Pineapple is watching BBTV from his house. Mr. Sullivan knocks on the door, and Mr. Pineapple opens it.]
Mr. Pineapple: Greetings, Mr. Sullivan. What a fine vote you cast! I still believe the Senate should be abolished, but it was one of the very few good things it did. With Trump still in charge, hundreds of thousands of Bikini Bottomites will die!
Mr. Sullivan: WHAT?!
Mr. Pineapple: Is there a problem?
Mr. Sullivan: Why do you want me to lose my job?!
Mr. Pineapple: Well, the Senate is a highly undemocratic body. In fact, I found out the 52 senators who voted for acquittal represented less people than the 48 who voted for conviction.
Mr. Sullivan: So?
Mr. Pineapple: Quite frankly, Mr. Sullivan, you should not only be out of a job, you should be in jail.
Mr. Sullivan: What have I done?
Mr. Pineapple: Sir, you’ve made dozens of outrageous comments.
Mr. Sullivan: You said you only wanted Trump in charge because he would kill more Bikini Bottomites!
Mr. Pineapple: But, that is justified. Your comments came out of nowhere, and they have scarred some of the other guests in this household.
[Cut to Pepperchicken's apartment. He is listening to Culture Club while contributing to GaysCausedCovid.Cum. He skips the song.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Village people! Now that's what I'm talking about!
[Mr. Pepperchicken’s phone rings. He answers it.]
Mr. Putin: Greetings, Tim. Trump has been acquitted. Now is the time.
Mr. Pepperchicken: I see. I shall make arrangements on BBTV.
[A few hours later on BBTV, Perch Perkins hosts an interview with Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Perkins: Greetings, folks. Today we have a surprise meeting with Mr. Timothy Pepperchicken, one of our debate moderators. So, Tim, what do you have to say?
Mr. Pepperchicken: The new natural aristocrats, emboldened by white empathy, are now claiming Aryan status…
Mr. Perkins: What?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Look around you, Perch, this place is filled with gays and Jews!
Mr. Perkins: I know that, sir, I’m a gay Jewish fish myself, and—
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT? [points at Mr. Perkins] This is the problem, folks! And I want to solve that problem! And that is why I am running for the Republican nomination for President of Bikini Bottom.
Mr. Perkins: What has gotten into you, Tim?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Let’s face it folks, both Trump and Biden want to kill minority fish, but unlike them, I’m open about my intentions! Vote for me, Bikini Bottom! Also, we’re going to annex this place into Shell City!
Mr. Perkins: Wait a minute. Didn’t you say you were having dinner with your boyfriend last weekend? And isn’t your family Jewish as well?
Mr. Pepperchicken: SHUT UP!
[The episode ends.]
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