SCP - MART (Comedy)

ButA story presented by your beloved Nanuhotnot. Based on the true story of RETAIL TYCOON. In which personnel take in the retail business, while, unknowingly, dark rivals open retail stores for their own. Prepare for a COMEDY (Pun totaaaally intended) tale like no other!
Don't forget to put this in the background.
~Nanuhot
== Commander Comedy ==
A car parked into a jam packed parking lot, where millions of obese Americans and people in top hats with weird monocles were rushing from their cars, pushing people over and trampling them to the ground. 
It smelled like fresh feces, yet nobody cared to notice - they were all rushing for a large double door, where a banner hung over it reading,
Inside, two men ran around in white masks and suits, yelling at customers to buy their 'proodooz'.
After hours of manning registers and telling customers to 'buy Xbox Juans' or 'I'll shove it up your rich, spoiled, asshole', Comedy took a quick break, as a long fleshy hulk of a line suddenly formed in Tragedy's register. Comedy took a walk, through the ElectroStop store, then Car Parts 4 Less, and finally rested in the 'Librarby'.
Comedy took a 'How I Became Rich' by a Doctor Drago from the 'customer-entered books' shelf.
Comedy read the first line, which was written in poorly handwritten Sharpie,
First things first...Ask your father for a small loan of a million dollars!
Suddenly, a shriek rang out.
A man threw down a copy of 'Fifty Shades of Nigger' and mumbled that he was going to sue the hell out of the place.
When Comedy ran out of the librarby, he was slammed in the face, but not by a hand, but another face. The face of a man slowly lumbering around in a circle, ramming into anything in its circle path. Comedy looked up, only to see more people slowly walking around in a circle, not moving from that circle, mumbling to themselves. Comedy can hear a million voices grumbling, 'I couldn't find anything I want....' An old man was bumping into a wall multiple times, a little baby, atleast a month old, jumped out of his carriage to walk around in a circle. An old lady tossed down her cane and began to walk around in a circle. Comedy soon discovered everyone in the fucking mall was walking around in a circle.
Tragedy stood on a pot, stomping on the plant, pointing a pistol at the air, firing at random, screaming, "ANOMALY! ANOMALY!" 
Comedy saw his other workers frantically hiding beneath their registers, calling 911, screaming, "THE END IS NOW!" and "I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE RAISED THE PRICE OF THE DUM DUMS...."
It was utter chaos.
And Comedy had to do something.
"Tragedy!" Comedy barked. "Get down!" 
Tragedy shot down a large light hanging from the ceiling, and it fell, crushing a child that was screaming 'ANONYMOUS' while running around in a circle.
"Tragedy!" Comedy hissed again. Tragedy hopped from the pot and stood with his pistol still in the air. "Ye?"
"Explain to me what is happening." 
"I dunno." 
"HOW DO YOU NOT NOW?!"
"I was taking a nap."
"You're fired."
"Damnit."
"AFTER you help me."
"Okey dokey." Tragedy said.
"We need to gather to solve this problem, and the cause." Comedy said. 
"RETAILERS! UNITE!"
.
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== Colms ==
"OYSTER SHACK! COME GET YOUR FRESH OYSTERS! ... AND CAR PARTS!" A pink-haired fellow yelled, standing in the middle of a dirt parking lot, behind him, a small gray cube of a building, painted the color of rotten bacon.
A fat man waltzed out of the shop and approached Colms. "Yu own da plase?" The man mumbled, sipping a can of Mtn Dew. Colms paused. "...Yes, unfortunately."
"Yer oyster woke up and beet meh sun." The man raised his arm, revealing a child, clinging to his arm. The child had claw marks on his cheek.
"Too bad! Those oysters aren't dead! They're sedated to look dead!" Colms barked, then shouted again to the empty road, "OYSTER SHACK! COME GET YOUR FRESH, DEAD, OYSTERS!"
The man tapped Colms on the shoulder. "Yu own da plase?" The man mumbled, as if the conversation was not already had. "Yer oyster -" Colms spun around and kicked the man in his fat balls, making him double over, as a car drove by and ran over the man, parking over his corpse and stepping out. The new man that stepped out of the car said, 'Yu own da plase?" Colms let out a shout of anger.
"Sir?" A woman asked who was on the sidewalk, who wasn't a redneck, unlike all of Colms customers. "Do you sell baby wipes?" She held a baby carriage. Another man approached Colms. "Do you have frozen pizza in stock? All the pizza places taste like shit." Then, a man in a dark mask and in white uniform drove by, flipping the man off through the window. 
Another woman came by. "Do you sell candy? I can't seem to quiet down my children!" Two children tugged on the woman's blouse. 
More people came by, asking if Colms had certain things in stock - and then it hit Colms - a tin can, which hurt a plenty, but something hit him - a revelation.
___
Two monthts later, instead of the crappy wooden OYSTER SHACK sign, there was a large building reading Gas Station Nation.Customers flooded in, not with red necks or beards, but with formal wear, monocles, top hats, blouses, orderly shirts, and men in masks and porcupine hairstyles. 
Gas Station Nation was now a great retailer, with music blaring from the speakers and sold nearly everything anyone would want or need.
Colms, in his office and with two naked women, (who he calls his 'restockers'), bathed in dollars and bills which he swatted away, like they were nothing.
Colms had hit the jackpot. Until - 
A naked woman, not fully, just a tight pair of underwear and a bra, ran into the office. "Mister Dream- I mean, Mister Colms! The customers have gone wild!" Colms ran outside in response, and saw all his customers running around in a circle, screaming.
And then a loud shout interrupted it all.
"RETAILERS! UNITE!"
. 
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== Drago ==
BUYENGO! 
From your run of the mill Gas N' Go, which was just recently invaded by people who took wet farts in the store and left, Drago decided to rename his tiny shop 'Buyengo', a play on Buy N' Go.
With help designing from a mysterious 'Nanuhot', which was a slim robot in a tux who talked like a pornstar, screaming 'GLAMOUROUS! SEXY! FANTASTICAL!" at everything he liked, Buyengo was the newest retailer to rule them all.
Drago had heard of Colms' success with Gas Station Nation, but Drago didn't follow on the whole Hooters-type of style he was going for. 
Drago's Gas N' Go opened along with the Oyster Shack and with Malfrous' Pizza N' Stuff, all of which were terrible failures, until two of the three learned how to properly grow a business. Colms hit it big, and Drago was just nearing Colms' amount of success, and Malfrous wasn't heard from since from his little 'incident' a few weeks ago.
Drago held a balanced business, which he prides himself on. Everything looked well.
A couple of customers slipped into the employee's office and stole some sodas here and there, and get shock-batoned in the balls by the greatest former-prisoner guardsmen in the area, but otherwise, well.
Until, to make things short and quick and to the point, his customers begin to break through the glass and run around in circles outside the parking lot and inside Buyengo. 
____
"D-Drago," stuttered a college student, who was his restocker, as she hid in the corner of the employee office. The employees had locked themselves inside, with Drago boarding up the door with wood planks, and his manager sipping a coffee and checking his Facebook page like nothing was going on and Armageddon wasn't happening just out the fucking door.
"What is it?" Drago groaned, smashing his hammer upon the nail on the wooden plank. Drago spun around to face his restocker. "H-how long will this l-last? I...I gotta h-head home to my kid... the b-babysitter must have took off by now...." She said, fulled with worry. Drago suddenly crept up to her with a perverted smile. "LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE TO STAY IN WITH ME, THEN, SUZIE." He whispered, his front teeth poking out of his sealed lips. 
"Mister Drago." The guard, Paul N'art, said, creeping from a shadowy corner. "May I request to take care of the customers?"
Drago looked at N'art. "You mean, take care?"
"No. I mean take care."
"No, no, no, take care."
"Sir, it would be beneficial to take care of them, not to take care of them."
"I still said take care."
"Wait - just a minute ago you said to take care, and told me not to take care."
"No, I said take care, not take care."
"Sir?" N'art said.
"What?" Drago said.
May I request to take care of the customers?" N'art said.
"No, I mean to take ca- I mean, yes! Take care of them!"
"Alright, I am about to take care of them."
N'art was about to walk out the door, despite it being locked closed, Drago stopped him.
"N'art, remember to take care of them."
"What?"
Suddenly, a hand burst from the door. It clawed at the wooden planks from the other side. Another hand shot out of the door, groping for N'art.
N'art screamed as a wet stain grew upon his crotch.
"Oh no bro!"
Drago screamed as a shout rang across the Earth.
"RETAILERS! UNITE!"
.
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== Cain ==
After stealing the Foundation's (and VII's) most valuable possessions, Cain decided to start up in the retailing business for no reason whatsoever. He started off with browsing different ways to upgrade his shop and noticed something interesting.
A bigger parking lot, the only great way to startup a business is purchasing a parking lot. No one wants to pull over their cars over the disgusting dirt, right?
Or as it was expected.
Cain spent nearly every penny on a gravel parking lot, no -, not cement. Gravel. That's all 5,000 dollars can get you when it comes to parking lots. Nothing is worse than spending all of your money on a parking lot. (no, trust me, just read the next chapter)
But fortunately for Cain, he came prepared with "anomalous artifacts". (He sold ordinary cans of soda and claimed that they were "anomalous") He even got help from his fellow rivials (by stealing cash from Comedy's mall while all hell breaks loose.) 
__
A couple of months ago Cain was thrown under bankruptcy by spending all of his cash on parking lots. But here he is now, still up and running at his shop of stolen anomalous items, (with scrawled words similar to Drago's handwriting displaying the store sign as "CAIN'S COCAIN"), as he sold burgers containing the leftover flesh of 682.
"What's the secret recipe?" asked man, loudly chewing on the patty, spitting out little black pieces of meat onto Cain's face.
"Positive vibes."
"No, what's the meat from? Is it dogs?"
"Dogs are my friends!"
"Alright, then what is it?"
"Reptilians."
"Wha-"
"HISSSSSS!" HISSSSSed Cain, scaring the man off.
The man immediately dropped his burger and ran off screaming.
Cain laughed as he picked up the remaining loot he left behind and began counting. 100$ right down in his pockets.
"EXQUISITE!"
After gathering up the money, he went back to shouting death threats at his competitors down the street. (For the most part, Commander Comedy.)
"Why do you want to be a bully? Bullies never have any friends, and it's cool to have friends!"
"SHUT UP!" shouted Comedy from across the street.
Comedy had enough of Cain's nonsense, he began stomping toward the store. Something suspicious he was holding caught his eye. A can of spray paint. 
"He's about to graffiti our wall, and it's not cool to... paint on someone's wall!"
Before Comedy could reach to the store, he was hit by a speeding car with a terrorist flipping off the market. 
A distant shout could be heard, 
"SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!"
___
And the next day, a real shout was heard - 
"RETAILERS! UNITE!" 
. 
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== Comets ==
At the edge of the road leading to nowhere but the void (presumably where British men end up), stood a worn out sign with scrawny handwriting labeling "WALMART" along with a man with a construction cone on his head, smiling, plastered on it. 
Comets had recently began selling goods in his small store, which wasn't going well as expected. Comets spent all of his hard earned paychecks from working in the Foundation on, 
Employees 
Over 69 workers, from cashiers to restockers (no, not Colms' 'restockers') went around in circles having no clue what to do since there wasn't anything else with them in the small store. Comets stared as customers parked their cars in his dirt lot, disappearing almost instantly as they all said in union, 
"I DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING I WANT"
Drago came from the block to see what was the commotion was about, to then be crushed by a car with a child walking out of it before teleporting to who knows what. Comet's bank account dropped to bankruptcy, no one has ever seen an amount go this low. It was then that he realized that the loss of money was coming from the workers. 
He then lit up a match and poured gasoline over the the remains of the smashed glass the employees broke trying to escape. The store went up into flames, screams echoed the neighborhood as Comets laughed and shouted,
"YOU'RE ALL FIRED!"
The screams stopped and all of the staff members glared at Comets, still engulfed in flames.
"Heh, that was funny, right guys?"
They all began to walk out of the store, (somehow still alive) and flipping off the owner of the horrible pun.
Comets sighed and pulled out his Sharipe and crossed out the name "WALMART" and replaced it as "SODA CENTRAL". (which as well lit up into flames)
For the rest of the month, he sat against the curb holding out a jar with 5 cents in it holding out a sign that saying "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" with the previous names scribbled out, eating cans of "Clam Chowder" everyday.
Then, as all hope was lost, a voice echoed across the world.
"RETAILERS! UNITE!"
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== Malfrous (The Guy Who Flipped Your Store Off Atleast Twice. You know him.) ==
"OH YES!" A terrorist air-humped the air in a parking lot.
"PIZZA N' STUFF IS NOW OPEN!" Malfrous air-humped the air so vigorously, he thrust-ed his hip forwards hardly and swifty, knocking over a toddler who stood near Malfrous when Malfrous' crotch came to impact with the boy's face. 
The boy fell backwards as he chocked on something that seemed to pop out of the terrorists pants. The boy ran off, screaming to his mom.
A man suddenly falcon punched down a wall from within the building.
The man was an obese american, his shirt too tight, revealing the man's belly button. The shirt read
"THANK YOU FOR VISITING HOOTERS GAS STATION NATION"
Hooters was crossed off with marker and Gas Station Nation was written in cursive handwriting. Malfrous instantly noticed the handwriting. Colm's writing.
"THAT FATASS IS A SPY!" Malfrous tossed his knife at the man. The man jumped from the whole he made in the wall, and ducked, the knife sailing past the fat man. The fat man jumped up and thrusted his belly forwards into Malfrous' body. Malfrous was sent flying back and his back rammed into the hood of a car in the parking lot. The car steamed and a man with the pin reading 'Totally not working for Cain's Cocain store'.
The obese american launched Malfrous again with his belly as he got up, and Malfrous flew at the 'Cain's Cocain' guy. The man was sent flying back into the road, and a man drove by with a Tragedy mask, running the Cain spy over. Malfrous stood up and screamed like a school girl as the fat man ran toward him, his man-boobs swaying majestically in the air.
Malfrous took out a toy knife, his second favorite weapon next to Old Reliable, and Malfrous stabbed the man using it's plastic tip through one of his man-boobs. Even though it was plastic, the knife's tip dug into the man's manly sack of flesh. 
The man screamed in horror as Malfrous took his knife out.
The man began to bounce up and down, his man-boobs still jiggling despite the fact Malfrous carved a chunk out of it.
The man ran away in fear and laid in the road willingly. 
A car tried to run him over, but was sent flying backwards upon impact with the man's giant belly. The man sobbed and ran towards the void and jumped off into nothingness.
Suddenly, more customers parked in Malfrous' somewhat decent but not too fancy parking lot. But instead of going through the door, they passed through the hole in the wall - which was 2 inches away from the door. 
Malfrous stared in shock as people left and entered through the hole in the wall. Suddenly, the roof gave in as there was no longer a decent wall to hold up the roof.
The people still entered through the hole, even though half the building was buried. The customers just pushed the debris away. 
Only one customer had the smarts to run away with a tablet during the chaos (Which wasn't very chaotic.).
A guard, Paul Fart, groaned. "Uhhhh, maaannnn, you gotta pay for dat shiz, like, or else, like, big boss big cheese big guy big man head hancho head cheese head boss head guy head man man manager will get mad."
The robber sighed and re-entered the building (through the hole) and tossed five bucks at the cashier, who still didn't care that he was half buried alive under concrete roofing. The cashier groaned, "Uuuuh, duuuude, you need, like,,,, 129 and 99 cents to pay for that shiz....mun....." 
The man threw a block of gold at the cashier. The gold flung at the cashier's head. The cashier's head tore from his neck and fell underneath the register, yet, the decapitated head somehow said "Thanks again..munnn.."
The robber ran off as Malfrous continued to stare at his building in ruins. And suddenly ,everyone in the building began to run around in circles. Even the robber stopped his grand escape to run around in the parking lot in circles. Even the cashiers head was rolling around in a cashier repeating, "Mun...mun....mun..."
Malfrous was about to lose his shit when,
"RETAILERS! UNITE!"
.
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== UNITED ==
The retailers found themselves at the doors of Ro-Mall, the giant mall that we all saw on the other side of the street.
Malfrous gawked. "Holy shit - I never noticed how big this is." Drago said.
Malfrous stopped gawking and chuckled. "Drago, stop looking in your underwear." Malfrous teased.
"HA!" Comets laughed. "Gotta give you that one, Malf!" Comets said.
"My store is better.....Fucking....Giant mall...Pfft...No music....Pfft......Ugly, uhlu, pfft." Colms muttered.
Cain was rubbing his hands together evilly. "Ooooh yes, look at all that shiz to jack..." 
"Shutup Cain." Drago groaned. "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP?!" Cain countered. "ONLY FIVE YEARS OLD MAKE A COMEBACK LIKE THAT!" Drago yelled.
"Ladies, ladies!" Everyone spun their heads at the door to the sound of the voice. The doors flew open, and there stood a man in a Comedy mask and a man in a Tragedy mask. 
"OH SHIT, IT'S ON!" Malfrous yelled and rushed at Comedy. Comedy sidestepped, allowing Malfrous to fly right over his shoulder, and ram his lips right into a college grad that went mad and their lips made contact.
Drago looked jealous, yet everyone nearly barfed.
Malfrous jumped up. "Geni- oh. It's..." Before Malfrous could say anything else, he shanked the girl to death.
"Well, I suppose you just witnessed our problem." Comedy said, and gestured for everyone to enter.
"Yeah, we saw it alright. You." Drago chuckled to himself after the joke he made.
"Look around yourself, porcupine." Tragedy said. The group of retailers all looked around, only to see hordes of customers running around breaking windows, splitting benches, smashing down doors, climbing on the ceiling, raping plant pots, and smashing through walls only to come back through them.
"Oh god." Colms muttered. "Tragic, isn't it?" Tragedy said. "No, I was looking at your ugly store. WOOOOWEEE." Colms said. 
"I'd kill you right here, right now, you homosexual penis." Tragedy growled.
"Silence, all of you. It is not safe here. We must go to the bunker-basement." Comedy ordered.
"Bunker...basement?" Comets groaned. "What is this, Fallout? Are the customers going to nuke us?" Cain chuckled.
"The hell is Fallout?" Comets asked. Cain sighed. "I'll get you a copy for your birthday." Cain said. "But, I have a Gamecube." Comets said. "A...Game....Cube?" Cain groaned. "What is this, the stone age?" Cain asked. 
"The hell is the stone age?"
"AH SHIT." Cain screamed.
Comedy led the party of retailers to the backroom, hidden behind the Laughin' Cryin' Donuts shop, with Comedy and Tragedy's faces slapped on the shop's logo.
A trapdoor on the floor. Comedy slipped a key (which involved comedy pulling down his pants and underwear, and holding his crotch to a slot in the wall, twisting his body to the side, then backing away, and putting his clothes back on.)
The trapdoor opened.
"Come." Comedy said, and the party climbed down into the darkness.
== Into the Dark ==
"Is there where you keep your sex slaves?" Malfrous teased. "Malfrous, we know you've had a history with women." Tragedy scowled at Malfrous. Comedy smirked. "Tell him how it is." Comedy said and led the group of retailers down a flight of stairs. 
Cain remained on the lookout for things to grab, and Colms still seemed grumpy about the masked duo's mega-store. "Stupid secret underground floor... Who needs that shit anyway....psh...One story retailers are far more exquisite.... Pssh, stone walls. Outdated....psssssssssh."
"Shut up, crossdresser." Drago said as the stairs stopped and broke off into a large stone corridor. "What's down there?" Comets asked. 
"Just, uh, storage area. We usually sleep down here just incase work gets busy. " Comedy led them to a stone room, storage boxes lining the walls and two gray beds in the middle of the room. "Ewl, you sleep in the same room?" Colms said. "No, we take seperate shifts, we never sleep together." Tragedy said. Cough.
"Anyway, back to our issue." Malfrous said. "We have to discover why the hell our customers went apeshit." 
"Yes, our stores our doomed. These