Episode 112: Peter Ustinov/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 112: Peter Ustinov.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Peter Ustinov!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey — the little problems in life drive me crazy. Like, what do you send to a sick florist? Huh? Huh?
 	The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Peter Ustinov!
 	Muppets gather around Peter.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo gets his drumstick stuck in the sign.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, and hello, dear friends, and welcome to this potpourri of mirth and madness we call The Muppet Show. Hey, we're especially excited around here tonight, because our guest star is Mr. Peter Ustinov. He is a man for all seasons, an actor, a director, a writer, plus being a great raconteur. Uh, that's, that's French for "tennis player." I think. Anyway, we're also fortunate in having with us an offshoot of the world famous Boston Pops Orchestra — just the wind section — but I think it's gonna be a thrill for us all so let's open the show with an evening at the Pops!
 	200px
 	An orchestra of balloon-headed musicians (the wind section) perform Léo Delibes' "Pizzicato" as a parody of Evening at Pops.
Statler	Mm. They say, "Music hath charm to soothe a savage beast."
 	Animal starts attacking Statler. Waldorf laughs.
Waldorf	Such is not the case here, however.
 	
 	Animal starts attacking Waldorf. Statler watches.
Statler	Get him. Get him.
==Backstage==
 	The headless conductor walks by Kermit.
Kermit 	OK, OK. Good bit. Good bit. Good ending. Sorry about the head.
Miss Piggy	(amorous) Oh, Kermit. Oh, my heart. It's going, pitter-patter, pitter-patter.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, maybe you've had too much coffee.
Miss Piggy	No. It's going pitter-patter over the man I've admired and loved for years. And now, to be this close to him...
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, I've told you, I don't have any time in my life for any emotional involvement right now.
Miss Piggy	No, I'm talking about Peter Ustinov!
Kermit 	Oh. Well. Ahem. Oh.
 	
Miss Piggy	He is a Renaissance man.
Kermit 	(sarcastic) Oh. Well, I am a leg man.
 	Dr. Bunsen walks by.
Kermit 	(sarcastic) Oops. It's time now to introduce your new heartthrob. (walks onstage)
Miss Piggy	(sarcastic) Mm-hm. Jealousy, thy name is frog!
==Muppet Labs==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	OK. Right now, friends, I'd like you to meet our guest star, the one and only Mr. Peter Ustinov.
Peter 	Well, Kermit, you know, it's a pleasure for me to be with you tonight. Uh, it's my first experience in performing with, um — performers other than people, if you follow me.
 	
Kermit 	Oh. Uh, yeah, well, it takes some getting used to, I guess, but uh, we've worked with humans before, so just relax, take it easy, and don't sit on any of your fellow performers.
Peter 	Well, I'll try not to, but I was going to sit down on my dressing-room chair, you know, and it walked away.
Kermit 	Oh, well, that was a Muppet. See, that chair is married to the show's writer.
Peter 	And who's the writer?
Kermit 	The hat rack.
Peter 	This show was written by a hat rack? Ha! Oh, well … that's extraordinary.
Kermit 	Well, you see, anything can be a Muppet. In fact, in this next sketch, you are going to be a Muppet.
Peter 	I'm going to be a Muppet?
Kermit 	Mm-hm. Trust me. Just stand by for a big show-biz-style introduction, OK?
Peter 	Oh, delightful. A hat rack. (laughs, exits) Incredible.
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness one of the wonders of modern science as envisioned by the incredible Mr. Peter Ustinov. We take you now to Muppet Labs.
 	Open on Dr. Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Hello, I'm Doctor Bunsen Honeydew, and here at Muppet Labs we think we have finally made a major scientific breakthrough in the field of international statesmanship. So, it is with incalculable pride that I give you the new robot politician.
 	Pan over to the politician — Peter.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, this electronic politician will end corruption in government forever. And furthermore, it is absolutely international. For instance, the robot politician would make an excellent British prime minister. Watch.
 	He turns a switch. The politician speaks.
Peter 	(as Winston Churchill) Although the skies are dark, and the road ahead is steep, yet with perseverance, we can, nay, we, ah, shall prevail. Prevail. Prevail.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Uh — Thank you. And on the other hand, with equal ease, he could be an American president.
 	He turns a switch. The politician speaks.
 	
Peter 	(as W.C. Fields) And I tell you, my friends, this is the greatest country in the world. Stands ready to forge ahead, bring peace to the world, affluence to all nations.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, well, enough of that. How about a Russian premier?
 	He turns a switch. The politician speaks.
Peter 	(Russian accent) The Russian people will not rub the SALT agreement into the wounds. (laughs) Well, that's good.
 	He ululates and starts fizzling. Bunsen gives him a smack. The remote control starts smoking. Bunsen messes with it as the politician switches accents.
Peter 	The People Republic of China object to the running-dog tone of this most — The Middle East bloc must stand firm in the belief — La France eternelle, plus grande que — Italiano non posso piu, che — Das deutsche Volk muss unter allen Umstanden — This means war!
 	BOOM! The politician explodes.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Well, back to the drawing board. Mr. Ustinov?
Waldorf 	A masterful performance.
Statler 	Mm. Reminiscent of the late Rudolph Besser.
Waldorf 	Rudolph Besser is dead?
Statler 	No, he's late. He was supposed to be here at … (looks at his watch)
Waldorf 	Statler, you always get me with that same dumb joke.
Statler 	Well, maybe it's not the joke that's dumb, if you catch my drift?
 	He laughs. Waldorf sneers at him.
==Backstage==
 	Dr. Bunsen walks backstage.
Fozzie	Oh, where is he? Where is that tower of talent?
Kermit	Fozzie, are you looking for me?
Fozzie	No, I'm looking for Peter Ustinov.
Kermit	Oh. Well, after that last sketch he ended up in the dressing room, where he's going over his lines.
Fozzie	Ohhhh. The actor prepares.
Kermit	Yep.
Fozzie	Ho. Oh, I tell you, Kermit, appearing in a sketch with Peter Ustinov is the highlight of my career.
Kermit	Um, I thought you said last week that appearing with me in a sketch was the highlight of your career.
 	A beat.
Fozzie	I was wrong. How can you compare yourself to … him?
Kermit	Uh … easy. He puts on his pants just like me, one leg at a time.
 	
Fozzie	You don't wear any pants.
Kermit	(looks down) Um, OK, there you are, let's see him get away with that on television. (laughs, departs)
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. We start with the two pigs.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	(sigh)
Pig (RH) 	Say, did you ever fall in love with a guy at first sight?
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Mm-hm. But it always took a while.
 	We move on to Zoot and Janice…
Janice 	You know, just once, I'd like to stand next to Queen Elizabeth.
Zoot 	Heh, I'd rather sit in with Count Basie.
 	…then to Mildred and George …
Mildred 	I find that most people don't believe what other people tell them.
George the Janitor	Uh … I don't think that's true.
 	… and finally, to Rowlf and his partner.
 	
Rowlf 	Hey, you wanna stop by the punch bowl?
Woman 	Why do they call it a punch bowl?
 	BOP! A boxing glove comes out of the bowl and punches her.
Rowlf 	That's why.
==Discussion==
 	Main stage. Sam enters.
Sam the Eagle	Ahem. And now, in my never-ending struggle to uplift these proceedings, here are two distinguished professors, Doctors Arnold Nood and Frederick Nik, to discuss post-Dickensian economics.
 	The curtain opens on two professors, played by Peter and Fozzie, each with his own podium.
Fozzie 	OK. OK. OK. Tell them the story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Peter 	(Brooklyn accent) Yeah, sure. Give me a break, will you?
Fozzie 	OK. I'll give you a break.
Peter 	To best explain post-Die-kensan — whatever …
Fozzie 	Whatever.
Peter 	… economics, let me tell you a little story.
Fozzie 	Yeah, tell them the story.
Peter 	I'm trying. I am trying to tell them the story. Shh. (pause) Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. What else?
Fozzie 	What else?
Peter 	Who was visited by his fairy godmother.
Fozzie 	Fairy godmother!
Peter 	Fairy godmother.
Fozzie 	Yeah!
Peter 	Now, Benny's fairy godmother … promised him that he would live forever under one condition, see? That he never never shave again.
Fozzie 	Never shave.
Peter 	Isn't that some condition?
Fozzie 	Aaahhhh.
Peter 	Now, Benny never shaved after that. And you know what?
Fozzie 	What? What? What?
Peter 	He lived to be 175 years old.
Fozzie 	(bangs the podium) No!
Peter 	Now, one day Benny met a beautiful girl.
Fozzie 	Oh.
Peter 	It happens to anyone.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Peter 	And he fell in what?
Fozzie 	Love?
Peter 	Yeah. Wery bright.
Fozzie 	Love. Oh!
Peter 	Ain't it wonderful? And the beautiful girl asked Benny to shave his beard off. And when the fairy godmother heard …
Fozzie 	Oh, yeah, yeah?
Peter 	… that Benny had shaved …
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah, yeah?
Peter 	… why, she got that mad.
 	
Fozzie 	(points to Peter) Mad.
Peter 	She turned … she turned Benny into a Grecian urn.
Fozzie 	(excited) Yeah. Yeah. And that only goes to prove the economic theory …
Peter 	"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
 	They both crack up.
Fozzie 	I love it!
==UK spot==
 	Rowlf plays the piano as Piggy sings, close to tears.
 	
Miss Piggy	
It's lonely out tonight
And the feeling just got right
For a brand new love song.
Somebody-done-somebody-wrong song.
Rowlf 	OK, everybody!
Muppets 	
Hey, won't you play
Another somebody-done-somebody-wrong song?
And make me feel at home
While I miss my baby,
While I miss my baby.
Fozzie 	
So play, play for me,
A sad melody,
So sad that it makes everybody cry.
Miss Piggy	
A real hurting song
About a love that's gone wrong,
Because I don't want to cry all alone.
(starts sobbing)
 	
Muppets 	
Hey, won't you play
Another somebody-done-somebody-wrong song?
And make me feel at home
While I miss my baby,
While I miss my baby.
Rowlf 	Up a key!
Muppets 	
Hey, won't you play
Another somebody-done-somebody-wrong song?
And make me feel at home
While I miss my baby,
While I miss my baby.
 	The song concludes. Piggy sobs.
Miss Piggy	(sobbing) Oh, I miss Kermit so. Oh!
==Backstage==
 	Kermit sits at his desk. Hilda walks up to him.
Hilda 	Oh, Kermit, that Peter Ustinov is wonderful.
Kermit	(frowning) Yeah. He is quite a talented fellow, isn't he?
Hilda 	So appreciative, so observant.
Kermit	The frog observes. The frog appreciates.
Hilda 	I had just gone in to give him his costume and he looked at me, and he said: "Hilda, you have the most exquisite hemstitch."
Kermit	Is that so?
Hilda 	Imagine a big star like that, noticing an old costume lady like me.
Kermit	Now, Hilda, you know, I have many times noted that your craftsmanship as a seamstress is superb. It is, in fact, flawless, and you are a wonder.
 	
Hilda 	So? What does a frog know? (shrugs, walks away)
Kermit	Somehow I feel my charisma's slipping away.
=="You Do Something to Me"==
 	In his lair, Svengali transforms his assistant's body as she sings.
 	
Assistant	You … do … something to me.
 	POOF! She's a tiger.
Assistant	Something that simply mystifies me.
 	
 	POOF! She's a snake.
Assistant	Tell me, why should it be,
 	POOF! She's a Satan.
Assistant	You have the power to hypnotize me?
 	POOF! She's a bird.
Assistant	
Let me live 'neath your spell.
Do do that voodoo that …
 	POOF! She's a fish.
Assistant	
… you do so well.
For you … do … something to me…
 	POOF! She's a flower.
Assistant	That nobody else could…
 	POOF! She's a tiger-devil.
Assistant	Nobody else could…
 	POOF! She's a flower-fish.
Assistant	Nobody else could…
 	POOF! She's a snake-bird.
Assistant	Nobody else could…
 	
 	POOF! She's a Svengali lookalike.
Assistant	Oh, finally, I thought you'd never get me back to myself again.
Nobody else… could … do.
 	POOF! Svengali disappears.
==Muppet Newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Copenhagen, Denmark. Dr. Felix Oglebomb says that after 30 years' concentrated research, he has discovered the cure for the common cold. Our Muppet cameras are on the scene and we'll speak with Dr. Oglebomb about this great medical breakthrough. Dr. Oglebomb?
 	Peter appears in the monitor.
Peter 	(Danish accent) Yeah. Yeah, I am Felix Oglebomb in Copenhagen, Denmark.
Newsman	Yes, Dr. Oglebomb. Can you tell us about this cure?
 	
Peter 	Yeah, of course. It was right under our noses, do you believe that? I'm so excited. First, you stay away from sick people. That's very important. Then you wrap your head in a number-ten-sized brown paper bag, and you pour honey over yourself and you hold your breath for about an hour or so, eh?
Newsman	Uh, and this will cure the common cold?
Peter 	Positively. (sneezes) And then again … (mumbles)
Newsman	Yes, well, thank you very much, Dr. Oglebomb. Remember, friends, whenever big news breaks … (flips off his glasses) … you certainly won't hear it here. (flips his glasses back on and walks away)
==Wayne and Wanda==
 	Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium, whispering aside. Music swells up, and he addresses the audience.
Sam the Eagle	Oh. Uh, once again it's inspiration time. And goodness knows, we need some. So here they are, Wayne and Wanda.
 	Open on Wayne and Wanda in a forest.
 	
Wayne & Wanda	
The falling leaves
Drift by the …
 	They are instantly buried in falling leaves.
==Panel discussion==
 	
 	Open on the panelists making chit-chat as the theme plays.
Kermit 	Uh, friends, uh, once again it's time to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses a topic of concern to thinking people everywhere: psychiatry. And tonight's panel includes our own Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Kissy kissy.
Kermit 	Plus Cynthia Birdley.
Cynthia 	(a la Fran Drescher) Enchantez.
Kermit 	And our own special guest is Dr. Kurt Von Frong, who is a practicing psychiatrist.
Peter 	(German accent) Hello, Mummy.
Kermit 	So, you are a practicing psychiatrist, Doctor?
Peter 	Ja, ja, ja.
Cynthia 	Mmm. How long you been practicing?
Peter 	Oh, 35 years.
Cynthia 	Oh. Isn't it time you stopped practicing and got on with it?
Kermit 	Uh, Cynthia, please. Don't be ridiculous.
 	
Peter 	Oh, no, Mr. Frog. It's all right. Misunderstandings about p'sychiatry are common. You see, basically, it is a tool to help us deal with frustrations! Otherwise we develop problems that result where? In complexes!
 	
Cynthia 	Oh, I know. My mother lives in one.
Peter 	Yeah. One what?
Cynthia 	A complex. She lives downstairs, the Murphys live upstairs. You should hear them fighting all day …
 	They all start talking over each other.
Kermit 	Cynthia, Cynthia, no, no, no, no, no. The doctor's talking about psychiatry.
Peter 	Don't concern yourself. "The Murphys." Ho! P'sychiatry has its own jargon, and only when you know the meaning of the various terms, can you begin to understand. Terms like complex, sublimation, regression! Gestalt!
Cynthia & Piggy	Gesundheit!
Peter 	(sneezes) Gestalt, not gesundheit.
Kermit 	Yeah, yeah, girls. Now, now, now, see, the doctor's talking about psychological terms.
Peter 	Yes, yes. Correct, Now, Mr. Kermit, when it was first used, you see, by Sigmund Fre … uh … the father of p'sychiatry, he was the first in his field. Of course, he didn't get any good at it until he got an office, and he got out of that field. (laughs) That's a trade joke.
Cynthia 	Well, you'd better trade it for another one.
Peter 	(laughs)
Miss Piggy 	Will you stop this woman please?
Kermit 	Cynthia, come on now, don't be embarrassing the doctor here.
Peter 	It's all right, Mr. Kermit Frog.
Kermit 	Right.
Peter 	A good p'sychiatrist learns to find the proper way to handle any situation. You see, I think, personally, that the Janosh theory of primal-scream therapy might work here. It's guaranteed to get rid of all your problems.
Cynthia 	I'd like to hear it.
Miss Piggy 	Me too.
Kermit 	Yeah, so would I.
Peter 	Yes? You got it.
 	He screams. The Muppets duck. He laughs.
Peter 	Are you all right down there? No problems more. It works every time. I believe that does it for tonight's p'seudoscientific p'sychiatric Sigmund … eh, discussion. And I hope you tune in next week when, with luck, I won't be there. (sips a glass of water)
 	The Muppets peer up as the theme music plays. Meanwhile, Statler notices Waldorf looking down.
Statler 	What are you looking for?
Waldorf 	My contact lens.
Statler 	Oh. Oh, here it is. (stomps on it) Sorry.
 	Waldorf punches Statler in the face.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie leads Wanda, Piggy and Rowlf backstage past Kermit.
Fozzie 	He's in his dressing room. I know him personally.
Miss Piggy	Oh, really?
Scooter 	Hey, Kermit? I was wondering, could you get me Peter Ustinov's autograph?
Kermit 	He's one of your favorites, huh?
Scooter 	Oh, not one of them. He is my favorite.
Kermit 	Last week I was your favorite.
Scooter 	Well, we grow, Kermit. We progress. I just saw him in that last sketch. I was on the floor.
Kermit 	That's a lousy place to watch a sketch from. (chuckles)
 	
Scooter 	I meant from laughter. You see, when I grow up, I wanna be just like him.
Kermit 	Uh, last week you wanted to be just like me.
 	A beat.
Scooter 	I was wrong. Kermit, I'm in my formative years. If you had a choice, which would you choose? Would you like to grow up and be an international star, or would you like to grow up and be a frog?
Kermit 	Uh — I'd turn green with envy, if I weren't already green. (walks away)
Scooter 	Uh, gee — I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.
=="Bein' Green"==
	Kermit sings "Bein' Green" as he walks into a forest clearing.
	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that just about does it for this week and I want to thank our guest, Mr. Peter Ustinov, for joining us. Peter, come on out here. Yaaayy.
 	200px
Peter 	I've just been talking to your show's writer. He's a man of many talents.
Kermit 	Isn't he, though?
Peter 	Yes. Wears more than one hat.
 	They chuckle.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah, Peter. Hey, listen, it's been great having you, although I must admit I've been a little bit jealous.
Peter 	You have?
Kermit 	Yes.
Peter 	Well, I'm jealous of you. I've always wanted to be a frog.
Kermit 	You're kidding.
Peter 	Ahh — ahh — ribbit, ribbit.
Kermit 	How do you do that?
Peter 	A very tight shirt collar. Ahh — ahh — (laughs)
Kermit 	Well, welcome to the wonderful world of frogs.
Peter 	(as Kermit) Yeah, and we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show. (waves his hand a la Kermit)
 	The Muppets gather around Peter as the credits roll. The hatrack gets its own writing credit.
Waldorf	Well, they did improve the level of television entertainment.
Statler	Well, they had no place to go but up.
 	Waldorf chuckles.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts