Charlie and the Chocolate Factory/Transcript

(Opening- Wonka selects five golden tickets, puts them in candy bars and sends them into the world. A narrator speaks. We see Charlie on the street.)
NARRATOR: This is the story of an ordinary little boy named Charlie Bucket. He was not faster, or stronger, or more clever than other children. His family was not rich, or powerful, or well-connected… in fact, they barely had enough to eat. Charlie Bucket was the luckiest boy in the entire world- he just didn’t know it yet.
(Charlie runs into his house, which is ramshackle and built on a slant. He and his family are extremely poor. Mrs. Bucket is making soup, and Mr. Bucket enters, wrapped up against the winter cold. The grandparents are all in bed.)
MR. BUCKET: Evening, Buckets!
GRANDPA GEORGE: Evening!
CHARLIE: Hi, Dad!
MRS. BUCKET: Soup’s almost ready, darling.
(They kiss.)
MRS. BUCKET: Just cabbage and water tonight, dear. Don’t suppose there’s anything extra to put in tonight? Oh well- nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage.
MR. BUCKET: Charlie, I found something I think you’ll like…
(He pulls a set of oddly-shaped toothpaste caps from his pocket and gives them to Charlie. The scene shifts to the toothpaste factory, all in antiseptic blue. Mr. Bucket screws caps onto toothpaste tubes on a conveyor belt.)
NARRATOR: Charlie’s father worked in the local toothpaste factory. The hours were long and the pay was terrible, but sometimes, there were unexpected surprises.
(Mr. Bucket pockets an oddly shaped cap. Back in the house, Charlie picks up an oddly shaped cap.)
CHARLIE: It’s exactly what I need!
GRANDPA JOE: What is it, Charlie?
(Charlie reveals a model of the Wonka factory made entirely of caps.)
CHARLIE: Dad found it- just the piece I needed.
GRANDPA JOE: What piece was it?
CHARLIE: A head for Willy Wonka.
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: How wonderful!
GRANDPA JOE: It’s quite a likeness.
CHARLIE: You think so?
GRANDPA JOE: Think so? I know so! I saw Willy Wonka with my own two eyes! I used to work for him, you know.
CHARLIE: You did?
GRANDPA JOE: I did.
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: He did.
GRANDPA GEORGE: He did.
GRANDMA GEORGINA: I love grapes!
GRANDPA JOE: Of course, I was a much younger man in those days. Only, say, sixty- five or seventy.
(He has a flashback of the small candy store. People mull about.)
GRANDPA JOE: Twenty-five years ago, Willy Wonka began with a small store on Cherry Street, but the whole world wanted his candy.
(Young Grandpa Joe appears, talking to an offstage Willy Wonka.)
YOUNG JOE: Mr. Wonka?
WONKA: (offstage) Yeah?
YOUNG JOE: We need more Wonka Bars, and we’re out of chocolate birds!
WONKA: (offstage) Birds? Well, then, we’ll need to make some more! Here!
(Wonka, still offstage, tosses Young Joe a candy egg.)
GRANDPA JOE: Willy Wonka had the knack for candy. He could make tiny candy- coated eggs that you sucked on for only a few seconds, and they hatched into little chocolate birds.
WONKA: (offstage) Now open!
(Young Joe opens his mouth, and birdsong is heard. Wonka giggles.)
GRANDPA JOE: The man was a genius. Did you know he invented a new way of making chocolate ice cream so that it stays cold for hours, without a freezer? You can even leave it lying in the sun for hours on a hot day, and it won’t go runny!
CHARLIE: But that’s impossible!
GRANDPA JOE: But Willy Wonka did it! Before long, he decided to build a proper chocolate factory. I had retired by then, mind you, this was only fifteen years ago. It was the largest chocolate factory in history! Fifty times as big as any other! The opening day was a media sensation!
(From offstage, crowds cheer, and flashbulbs flash.)
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: Tell him about the Indian Prince. He’d like to hear about that.
GRANDPA JOE: You mean Prince Pondicherry! Well, Prince Pondicherry wrote a letter to Mr. Wonka, and asked him to come all the way out to India and build him a colossal palace, entirely out of chocolate.
(Prince Pondicherry appears, reading blueprints and speaking on the phone to an offstage Wonka.)
WONKA: (offstage) It will have over one hundred rooms, and everything will be made out of either white or dark chocolate.
GRANDPA JOE: True to his word, the bricks were chocolate, and even the cement holding them together was chocolate! All the walls and ceilings were made out of chocolate as well! So were the carpets and the pictures and the furniture. Even the telephone was chocolate. Prince Pondicherry was pleased as punch.
PONDICHERRY: It is perfect in every way!
WONKA: (offstage) Yeah, but it won’t last long. You’d better start eating right now.
PONDICHERRY: Nonsense! I will not eat my palace. I intend to live in it!
GRANDPA JOE: But Mr. Wonka was right, of course. Soon after, there came a very hot day, with a boiling sun.
(Pondicherry hangs up the telephone, and his hand is sticky with chocolate. He picks the phone up again, sees it is melting, and hangs it up. It breaks.)
GRANDPA JOE: The entire palace melted away in the course of an hour. It was all Prince Pondicherry could do to escape with his life and not drown in liquid chocolate! Soon after, he sent an urgent telegram to Mr. Wonka in request of a new palace. But Willy Wonka was facing problems of his own.
(The Prince disappears.)
GRANDPA JOE: All the other candy makers, you see, had grown jealous of Mr. Wonka. They began sending in spies to steal his secret recipes.
(A candy maker, Mr. Fickelgrubber, and a spy appear. The spy hands an envelope to the candy maker.)
SPY: It’s all inside, Mr. Fickelgrubber.
CANDY MAKER: The secret recipe?
SPY: You said it, not me. I was never here.
(They exit.)
GRANDPA JOE: Fickelgrubber started making an ice cream that would never melt. Prodnose came out with a chewing gum that never lost its flavour. Slugworth began marketing candy balloons that you could blow up to incredible sizes-
(A pop is heard from offstage.)
GRANDPA JOE: Then pop with a pin. The thievery got so bad that one day, without warning, Willy Wonka told every single one of his workers to go home! He announced that he was closing his chocolate factory forever!
WONKA: (offstage) I am closing my chocolate factory forever. Go home.
CHARLIE: But it didn’t close forever. It’s open right now.
MRS. BUCKET: Ah yes, but sometimes when grownups say forever, they mean a very long time.
GRANDPA GEORGE: Such as, I feel as if I’ve eaten nothing but cabbage soup- forever.
MR. BUCKET: Now, Pops…
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: The factory did close, Charlie.
GRANDPA JOE: And it seemed as if it were going to be closed forever. But one day, we saw smoke rising from the chimneys. The factory was back in business!
CHARLIE: Did all the workers get their jobs back?
GRANDPA JOE: No. No one did.
CHARLIE: But there must be people working there-
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: Think about it, Charlie. Have you ever seen a single person going into that factory, or coming out of it?
CHARLIE: No. The gates are always closed.
GRANDPA JOE: Exactly!
CHARLIE: But then, who’s running the machines?
MRS. BUCKET: Nobody knows, Charlie.
MR. BUCKET: It certainly is a mystery.
CHARLIE: Hasn’t someone asked Mr. Wonka?
GRANDPA JOE: Nobody sees him anymore. He never goes out. The only thing that comes out of that place is the candy, already packed and addressed! I’d give anything in the world to see that man and his business one more time, and see what’s become of that amazing factory.
GRANDPA GEORGE: Well you won’t, because you can’t. No one can! It’s a mystery, and it will always be a mystery. That model factory of yours, Charlie, is as close as any of us is ever going to get.
MRS. BUCKET: Come on, Charlie. I think it’s time you let your grandparents get some sleep.
CHARLIE: Goodnight, Grandpa George.
GRANDPA GEORGE: Goodnight, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Goodnight, Grandpa Joe.
GRANDPA JOE: Goodnight.
CHARLIE: Goodnight, Grandma Georgina.
GRANDMA GEORGINA: Nothing’s impossible, Charlie.
(Charlie goes upstairs and climbs into bed in the loft. So many planks of flooring are gone, he can wave down at the whole family.)
CHARLIE: ‘Night!
ALL: Goodnight.
NARRATOR: Indeed, that very night, the impossible had already been set in motion.
(Workers on bicycles fill the streets, nailing notices to electric wires. Morning comes, and a crowd gathers around the notice.)
NARRATOR: Willy Wonka had broken his silence. A notice had been posted on telephone poles and street corners all around the globe, and that day, from radios all around the world, Willy Wonka’s voice was heard for the first time in what seemed like ages.
MRS. LEVI: Turn it up!
SCHWARTZ: Hey, let me through!
(Charlie enters.)
CHARLIE: Excuse me, what are you all looking at!
SCHWARTZ: Charlie, listen! Willy Wonka’s about to give a speech on the radio!
(Someone turns the radio on, and Willy Wonka’s voice is heard.)
WONKA: (offstage) Dear people of the world, I, Willy Wonka, have decided to allow five special people to visit my factory this year. In addition, one of these people will receive a special prize beyond what anyone could ever imagine.
(The children and adults are thrown into an uproar. A businesslike TV Newsman enters during this.)
SCHWARTZ: Did you hear that, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Yes… what does it mean?
SCHWARTZ: It’s a contest of some kind?
CHARLIE: How do you win?
SCHWARTZ: Who knows?
(The crowd disperses as the Newsman begins his report.)
NEWSMAN: Five Golden Tickets have been hidden inside five Wonka candy bars. These five candy bars may be anywhere- in any shop, in any street, in any town, in any country in the world! In Tokyo, the Japanese government has employed crowd control and military outposts around all candy stores to prevent rioting scales unprecedented by even Tickle Me Elmo. In Marrakech, the black market dealers are hawking Wonka bars instead of drugs and weaponry. In New York, moguls have given up caviar and Chianti in favor of Wonka bars. Where will the madness end? Only time will tell.
(Mr. Jopeck appears as a crowd descends on his newspaper stand.)
MR. JOPECK: Wait! Wait! I don’t even sell candy!
(The crowd drags him off.)
NEWSMAN: This station is proud to guarantee continuous, live, up to the minute coverage of Wonkamania, complete, unbiased and accurate. Goodnight.
(The scene shifts to Charlie’s home.)
GRANDPA JOE: Wouldn’t it be something, Charlie, to open a bar of chocolate and find a golden ticket inside?
CHARLIE: But I only get one bar a year, for my birthday!
MRS. BUCKET: Well, it’s your birthday next week!
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: You have as much chance as anybody does.
GRANDPA GEORGE: Balderdash! The kids who are going to find the Golden Tickets are the ones who can afford to buy a hundred candy bars a day. Our Charlie gets only one a year.
GRANDMA GEORGINA: Everyone has a chance, Charlie.
GRANDPA GEORGE: Mark my words, Charlie. The kid who finds the first golden ticket will be fat, fat, fat.
(Mrs. Bucket flips on the television, and Augustus Gloop appears, face stained with chocolate, while crowds of paparazzi snap his picture. The Newsman appears, to interview him.)
AUGUSTUS: I am eating the Wonka bar, when suddenly, I am tasting something that is not chocolate! Coconut? Nougat? Walnut? Peanut butter? Cocoa butter? Caramel? Sprinkles? Nein! So I look, and I find the Golden Ticket!
NEWSMAN: (with German accent) Augustus! How did you celebrate?
AUGUSTUS: More candy!
(Augustus pulls two more candy bars from his pocket, and starts to devour them, without unwrapping them.)
MRS. GLOOP: We knew Augustus would find the Golden Ticket. He eats so many candy bars a day that it was not possible for him not to find one!
(Mrs. Bucket turns off the TV, and Augustus disappears.)
GRANDPA GEORGE: Told you he’d be a porker.
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: What a repulsive boy!
CHARLIE: Only four Golden Tickets left.
GRANDPA JOE: Now that they’ve found one, things will really get crazy.
(Veruca Salt appears with her parents in Buckinghamshire, England.)
NEWSMAN: Veruca Salt? Veruca? Can you spell that for us, please?
VERUCA: V-e-r-u-c-a. Veruca Salt.
MR. SALT: Soon as my little Veruca told me she had to have one of these Golden Tickets, I started buying up all the Wonka bars I could lay my hands on. Thousands of them. Hundreds of thousands. I’m in the nut business, you see, so I say to my workers, “Morning, ladies! From now on, you can stop shelling peanuts, and start shelling the wrappers off of these Wonka bars instead.” Three days went by and we had no luck. The wait was terrible. My little Veruca got more and more upset every day. She just kept begging me-
VERUCA: Where’s my Golden Ticket! I want my Golden Ticket!
MR. SALT: Well, gentlemen, I just hated to see my little girl unhappy like that. I vowed I would keep up the search until I could give her what she wanted. My employees were dropping like flies. Paper cuts everywhere. You know, some of them were getting gangrene in untreated cuts, and dying on the job? I don’t like to laugh, but it’s funny. Well, ironic more than funny. British humour, you know. Finally, I found her a ticket.
MRS. SALT: Aren’t you happy, dear?
VERUCA: Daddy- I want another pony.
(The scene shifts back to the Bucket house.)
GRANDPA GEORGE: She’s even worse than the fat boy.
CHARLIE: I didn’t think that was really fair- she didn’t find the ticket herself.
GRANDPA JOE: Don’t worry, Charlie. That man spoils his daughter, and no good ever comes of spoiling a child like that.
(Mr. and Mrs. Bucket enter.)
MR. BUCKET: Charlie, your mum and I thought maybe you’d want to open your birthday present tonight.
(They hand him a Wonka bar.)
MRS. BUCKET: Here you are.
CHARLIE: A Wonka Whipple-scrumptious fudgemallow delight! I think I’d better wait until morning.
GRANDPA GEORGE: Like hell.
MR. BUCKET: Pop!
GRANDPA JOE: If you add our ages together, we’re three hundred and eighty-one years old. We don’t wait!
MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, you mustn’t be too disappointed if you don’t get one.
MR. BUCKET: Whatever happens, you’ll still have the candy.
(Charlie opens the bar- no golden ticket.)
GRANDPA JOE: Ah, well. That’s that.
CHARLIE: We’ll share it.
GRANDPA JOE: Oh, no, Charlie. Not your birthday present.
CHARLIE: It’s my candy bar, and I’ll do what I want with it.
(He breaks it into pieces and shares it out. Everyone eats their piece slowly, savoring it. Mrs. Bucket turns the TV back on.)
NEWSMAN: (offstage) This just in! The third Golden Ticket has been found!
GRANDPA JOE: Alright, let’s see who found it!
(The Newsman enters with Mr. and Mrs. Beauregarde and their daughter, Violet, a compulsive gum-chewer. Violet holds the ticket, and Mrs. Beauregarde holds an armful of trophies.)
(Cut to the Beauregarde house where news reporters are taking pictures of Violet with her mother.)
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: These are just a few of the two hundred and sixty-three trophies and medals my Violet has won.
VIOLET: I’m a gum chewer mostly, but when I heard about these ticket things, I laid off the gum, switched to candy bars.
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: She’s just a driven young woman. I don’t know where she gets it.
VIOLET: I’m the junior world champion gum chewer. This piece of gum I’m working on right now, I’ve been chewing on for three months solid. That’s a record.
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Of course, I did have my share of trophies. Mostly baton.
VIOLET: So this one kid’s gonna get a special prize? Better than all the rest? I don’t care who the other four are. That kid- it’s gonna be me.
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Tell them why, Violet.
VIOLET: Because I’m a winner.
(Cut back to the Buckets' house.)
GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: What a beastly girl!
GRANDMA GEORGINA: Despicable!
GRANDPA GEORGE: You don’t know what we’re talking about.
GRANDMA GEORGINA: Dragonflies?
NEWSMAN (offstage): But wait, this is just in. The fourth Golden Ticket has been found by a boy named Mike Teevee.
(Cut to a house in Denver Colorado. Mike sits in front of a TV with his parents standing next to him. He has a joystick and a game console. He plays a violent-sounding game, judging by the shotgun and ricochet sound effects.)
MIKE: All you had to do was check the manufacturing dates, offset by weather, and the derivative of the Nikkei index. A retard could figure it out.
MR. TEEVEE: Most of the time, I don’t know what he’s talking about. You know, kids these days with all the technology…
MIKE: Die! Die! Die!
MR. TEEVEE: Doesn’t seem like they stay kids very long.
MIKE: In the end, I only had to buy one candy bar.
NEWSMAN: And how did it taste?
MIKE: I dunno, I hate chocolate. Now buzz off, okay? The Sopranos is starting.
MR. TEEVEE: If it’s not video games, it’s televison, or that Internet of his. He never seems to leave the screen. Is it healthy? I don’t know.
MIKE: Shut up, Dad.
MR. TEEVEE: Okay.
(Mrs. Bucket shuts off the TV and Mike and the others exit.)
GRANDPA GEORGE: Don’t like chocolate? Well, it’s a good thing you’re going to a chocolate factory, you ungrateful little bast-
(Mrs. Bucket slams her hands over Charlie’s ears. Grandpa George goes off on an obscene tirade, but there is no sound. He merely moves his mouth. Finally it’s over, and Mrs. Bucket removes her hands.)
CHARLIE: Dad?
MR. BUCKET: Yes, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Why aren’t you at work?
MR. BUCKET: Well, Charlie, uh, the toothpaste factory thought they’d give me a bit of time off.
CHARLIE: Like summer vacation?
MR. BUCKET: Sure, something like that!
NARRATOR: In fact, it wasn’t like a vacation at all. The uprise in candy sales had led to a rise in cavities, which led to a rise in toothpaste sales. With the extra money, the company decided to modernize, employing a machine to screw caps, thus eliminating Mr. Bucket’s job.
(Charlie exits.)
MR. BUCKET: We’re barely making ends meet as it was…
MRS. BUCKET: It’ll be alright, you’ll find another job. Until then, I’ll just… well, I’ll just thin down the soup a little more. Don’t worry, Mr. Bucket. Our luck will change, I know it.
GRANDPA JOE: Charlie!
(Charlie enters, and Grandpa Joe brings out a quarter from his pocket.)
GRANDPA JOE: My secret hoard. You and I are going to have one more fling at finding the last ticket.
CHARLIE: Are you sure you want to spend your money on that, Grandpa?
GRANDPA JOE: Of course I’m sure. Here. Run down to the nearest store, and buy the first Wonka candy bar you see. Bring it straight back and we’ll open it together.
(Charlie exits.)
GRANDPA JOE: Such a good boy he is…
(Grandpa Joe falls asleep. Blackout. The lights come back up on Charlie standing next to Grandpa Joe.)
CHARLIE: Grandpa-
(Grandpa Joe wakes up.)
GRANDPA JOE: Have you got it?
(Charlie gives him the candy bar.)
GRANDPA JOE: Which end should we open first?
(Charlie opens the candy bar- no ticket. The scene shifts to the street. Two stereotypical gay men walking dogs sashay down the street, chatting.)
HERBERT: Did you see that some kid in Russia found the last golden ticket?
CARMEN: Yes, it was in the paper this morning! Come on, Georgie, that’s a good boy.
(They exit. Charlie is about to walk off, but he finds a dollar at his feet. He picks it up and runs into the candy shop.)
CHARLIE: One Wonka Whipple-scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, please.
BILL: Here you go.
(Charlie buys the bar. He starts to unwrap it.)
MRS. LEVI: Bill, did you see the headline? Russian ticket a fake! The nerve of some people!
BILL: I know. Forging a ticket, come on.
(Charlie unwraps his bar- he found the ticket!)
BILL: It’s a golden ticket! You found Wonka’s last golden ticket!
(A crowd forms around Charlie.)
BLOOM: Listen, I’ll buy it from you. I’ll give you fifty dollars and a new bicycle.
MARIAN: Are you crazy? I’d give him five hundred dollars for that ticket! You want to sell me your ticket for five hundred dollars, young man?
BILL: No! That’s enough of that! Leave the kid alone. Listen, boy. Take that ticket home and don’t let anyone have it. Understand?
CHARLIE: Thank you!
(Charlie runs home. He enters the house.)
CHARLIE: Mom, Dad! I found it! I found the last golden ticket! It’s mine!
(Grandpa Joe takes one long look at the ticket.)
GRANDPA JOE: Yippeee!!!
(He jumps out of bed and starts to dance with joy. The family is confused, and a little frightened by this change of events. Grandpa Joe hands the ticket to Mr. Bucket.)
GRANDPA JOE: Here! Read it aloud! Let’s hear exactly what it says.
MR. BUCKET: “Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this golden ticket from Mr. Willy Wonka. I shake you warmly by the hand, for now, I do invite you to come to my factory and be my guest for one whole day!
(The other kids appear reading their tickets.)
VIOLET: I will conduct you around the factory myself, showing you everything there is to see.
AUGUSTUS: Afterwards, when it is time to leave, you will be escorted home by a procession of large trucks, each one filled with all the chocolate you could ever eat.
VERUCA: And remember, one of you lucky winners will receive an extra prize beyond your wildest imagination. Now, here are your instructions.
MIKE: On the first of February you must come to the factory gates at 10 AM sharp. You are allowed to bring one member of your family to look after you. Until then, Willy Wonka.
(The kids disappear.)
MRS. BUCKET: The first of February… that’s tomorrow!
GRANDPA JOE: Then we’ve not a moment to lose! Come on, Charlie! Wash your face, brush your hair, blow your nose, clean your teeth-
GRANDPA GEORGE: Get that mud off your pants.
MRS. BUCKET: Now we must all try and keep very calm. First, we have to decide who will go with Charlie to the factory.
GRANDPA JOE: I will! I’ll take him! You leave it to me!
MRS. BUCKET: (to Mr. Bucket) How about you, dear?
MR. BUCKET: Well, Grandpa Joe knows more about it than we do, and, well- proved that he feels well enough…
GRANDPA JOE: (still dancing) Yippee!
CHARLIE: No. We’re not going. A woman offered me five hundred dollars for the ticked, and I bet someone else would pay more. We need the money more than we need the chocolate.
(Grandpa Joe sits down, sadly.)
GRANDPA GEORGE: Young man, come here. There’s plenty of money out there, they print more every day. But this ticket, there’s only five of them in the whole world, and that’s all there’s ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?
CHARLIE: No, sir.
GRANDPA GEORGE: Then get that mud off your pants- you’ve got a factory to go to! 
(The scene shifts to the crowds outside of the factory gates. The children are all there, Charlie with his Grandpa Joe, Veruca and Mike with their fathers, Augustus and Violet with their mothers.)
VERUCA: Daddy, I want to go in!
MR. SALT: It’s 9:59, sweetheart!
VERUCA: Make time go faster!
CHARLIE: Do you think Mr. Wonka will recognize you?
GRANDPA JOE: Hard to say, it’s been years.
(Augustus is wolfing down a candy bar. Veruca is chewing gum.)
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Eyes on the prize, Violet, eyes on the prize.
(The gates open. Wonka’s amplified voice is heard over the loudspeakers, reminiscent of The Wizard of Oz.)
WONKA: (offstage) Please enter!
(The guests come through the gates.)
WONKA: (offstage) Come forward!
(They do.)
WONKA: (offstage) Close the gates!
(The gate slams shut.)
WONKA: (offstage) Dear visitors, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to my humble
factory. Who am I? Well…
(The heavy metal doors disappear, and a curtain rises behind them, revealing a set of mechanical puppets, much like It’s A Small World,” who perform a robotic musical number.)
Song: Wonka’s Welcome Song
ROBOTS:
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
The amazing chocolatier,
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
Everybody give a cheer- Hooray!
He’s modest, clever and so smart he barely can restrain it,
With so much generosity
There is no way to contain it!
To contain it!
To contain, to contain, to contain!
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
He’s the one that you’re about to meet,
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka,
He’s a genius who just can’t be beat,
A magician and a chocolate wiz,
The best darn guy who ever lived,
Willy Wonka, here he is!
(A throne appears, with no one sitting in it. Sparklers go off, and the robots, under the heat of the sparks, malfunction and run down. They are retracted. Wonka enters, giggling and clapping.)
WONKA: Wasn’t that magnificent? I was getting a little worried it was sort of dodgy in the middle part, but then, that finale! Wow!
VIOLET: Who are you?
GRANDPA JOE: He’s Willy Wonka!
(There is a long, awkward pause as Wonka and the guests survey each other. Wonka breaks the silence with a statement that, after years of seclusion, he must still think is hip.)
WONKA: Good morning, starshine, the earth says hello!
(He pulls out cue cards.)
WONKA: “Dear guests, greetings! Welcome to the factory! I shake you warmly by the hand. My name is Willy Wonka.”
VERUCA: (pointing to the throne) Then shouldn’t you be up there?
WONKA: Well, I couldn’t very well watch the show from up there, now, could I, little girl?
GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, I don’t know if you remember me, but I used to work in your factory!
WONKA: Were you one of those despicable spies who every day tried to steal my life’s work and sell it to those parasitic copycat candymaking cads?
GRANDPA JOE: No sir!
WONKA: Then wonderful! Welcome back! Let’s get a move on, kids!
(They head into the factory.)
AUGUSTUS: Don’t you want to know all our names?
WONKA: Can’t imagine how it would matter. Come quickly, there’s far too much to see.
(The doors shut behind them. The scene shifts to the inside hall.)
WONKA: Just drop your coats anywhere.
MR. TEEVEE: Mr. Wonka, it sure is toasty in here.
WONKA: What? Oh, yes, I have to keep it warm in here because my workers are used to an extremely hot climate. They just can’t stand the cold.
CHARLIE: Who are the workers?
WONKA: All in good time. Now!
(They start walking. Violet hugs Mr. Wonka. He gasps with surprise and disgust at being touched.)
VIOLET: Mr. Wonka, I’m Violet Beauregarde.
(She continues chewing on his gum.)
WONKA: I don’t care.
VIOLET: Well, you should care, because I’m the girl who’s going to win the special prize at the end.
WONKA: Well, you do seem confident, and confidence is key.
(Veruca steps in Wonka’s way.)
VERUCA: I’m Veruca Salt.
WONKA: Funny. I always thought a veruca was a type of wart that got on the bottom of your foot. Haha…
(Augustus, devouring his candy, steps in Wonka’s way.)
AUGUSTUS: I am Augustus Gloop. I love your chocolate.
WONKA: I can see that. So do I! I never expected we’d have so much in common.
(He turns around to look at Mike.)
WONKA: You… you’re Mike Teevee. You’re the little devil who cracked the system!
(He looks at Charlie.)
WONKA: And you- you’re just lucky to be here, aren’t you. And the rest of you must be their pa-
(Wonka seems to choke on the word “parents.” He can’t get it out, no matter how hard he tries.)
MR. SALT: Parents.
WONKA: Yeah. Moms and dads.
(The word “dads” puts Wonka into a regressive state. He spaces out.)
WONKA: Dad… papa…
(He snaps out of it.)
WONKA: Okay, then. Let’s move along!
(They walk.)
AUGUSTUS: (to Charlie) Would you like some chocolate?
CHARLIE: Sure.
AUGUSTUS: Then you should have brought some.
(He laughs and finishes off the candy bar.)
VERUCA: (to Violet) Let’s be friends.
VIOLET: Best friends.
(They link arms, but neither are smiling. This is the competition, after all. They reach a tiny door.)
WONKA: An important room, this. It is a chocolate factory, after all.
VIOLET: Then why is the door so small?
WONKA: To keep all the great big chocolatey flavor inside. Haha…
(He bends down, unlocks the door, then opens the entire wall, revealing his chocolate room. They enter. Augustus is entranced.)
WONKA: Now, my dear children, do be careful. Don’t lose your heads. Don’t get over excited. Just keep very calm.
(Augustus drops his candy bar in excitement.)
CHARLIE: It’s beautiful.
WONKA: What? Ooh, yeah. It’s very beautiful. Every drop of the river is hot melted chocolate of the finest quality. The waterfall is most important. It churns the chocolate, mixes it up. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall, my dear children. You can take that to the bank!
(A pipe descends to the river.)
WONKA: People, those pipes suck up the chocolate, and carry it away, all over the factory. Thousands of gallons an hour. Yeah! Do you like my meadow? Please have a blade of grass, please do. It’s so delectable and so darn good looking!
CHARLIE: You mean you can eat the grass?
WONKA: Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable, but that, my dear children, is called cannibalism, and is, in fact, frowned upon in most societies. Yeah. Enjoy!
(Augustus runs to the chocolate river. Mr. Salt stares icily at Wonka, who remains unfazed. Salt, unnerved, turns away. Mike smashes a candy pumpkin, stomping the pieces with rage.)
MR. TEEVEE: Son, please…
MIKE: Dad! He said enjoy!
(Charlie goes to pick a candy apple, but Veruca picks it before he can get it. She sticks her gum behind her ear.)
CHARLIE: Why hold on to it? Why not start a new piece?
VIOLET: Because then I wouldn’t be a champion. I’d be a loser. Like you.
(She bites into the apple. Augustus works his way towards the river, eating everything in sight. Mrs. Gloop steals candies and stuffs them down her cleavage. Nearby, Veruca notice something on the horizon, operating a jackhammer.)
VERUCA: Daddy, look over there! What is it? It’s a little person! Over by the waterfall.
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: There’s two of them!
MR. TEEVEE: There’s more than two…
(The Oompa Loompas perform maintenance functions on the factory.)
MRS. GLOOP: Where do they come from?
CHARLIE: Who are they?
MIKE: Are they real people?
WONKA: Of course they’re real people, they’re Oompa Loompas!
MR. SALT: Oompa Loompas?
WONKA: Imported direct from Loompaland!
MR. TEEVEE: There’s no such place.
WONKA: What?
MR. TEEVEE: Mr. Wonka, I teach high school geography, and I’m here to tell you that-
WONKA: Well, then you’ll know all about it and know what a terrible country it is.
(Cut to Wonka with a pith helmet and a machete in a thick jungle.)
WONKA: The whole place is nothing but thick jungles infested with the most dangerous beasts in the entire world. Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers, and those terrible, wicked Whangdoodles.
(A flying beast chases Wonka down a short distance.)
WONKA: I went to Loompaland looking for exotic new flavours for candy. Instead, I found the Oompa Loompas. They lived in tree houses to escape from the fierce creatures who lived below. The Oompa Loompas ate nothing but green caterpillars, which tasted revolting. They kept looking for things to mash up with the caterpillars to make them taste better. Red beetles, the bark of the bong bong tree, all of them beastly, but not quite so beastly as the caterpillars.
(The Chief of the Oompa Loompas, dressed in tribal clothes, appears with a mortar and pestle and a bowl of squashed green caterpillars. He grinds them up and offers the bowl to Wonka, who politely takes a spoonful and tries to swallow it down. He then gives a large fake smile and returns the bowl to the Chief, who steps aside.)
WONKA: But the food they longed for the most was cocoa beans. An Oompa Loompa was lucky if they found three or four beans a year, but oh, how they craved them. All they’d ever think about was cocoa beans. Now, the cocoa bean happens to be the thing from which chocolate is made, so I told the chief, “Come live in my factory.”
(Wonka now gestures to the Chief in a strange sign language, accompanied with sounds in the Oompa Loompa language.)
WONKA: “You can have all the cocoa beans you want.”
(More signing.)
WONKA: “I will even pay your wages in cocoa beans, if you wish.
(More signing. Then, Wonka puts out his arms in a gesture for the Chief to accept. The Chief performs a gesture of acceptance, almost a formal tribal bow. Wonka repeats the gesture, and the two shake hands.)
WONKA: They are such wonderful workers. I feel I must warn you, however, that they are very mischievous. Always making jokes.
(Mrs. Gloop notices Augustus at the chocolate river.)
MRS. GLOOP: Augustus mein child, that is not a good thing you do!
WONKA: Hey, little boy, my chocolate must be untouched by human hands!
(Augustus falls into the river.)
MRS. GLOOP: He’ll drown! He can’t swim! Save him! Augustus!
(Wonka remains passive. The pipe enters and descends into the river.)
MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, watch out! Augustus, get out!
(Augustus is sucked up the pipe, and shoots up.)
VIOLET: There he goes…
MRS. GLOOP: Call the fire brigade!
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: It’s a wonder how that pipe is big enough…
CHARLIE: It isn’t big enough. He’s slowing down.
MIKE: He’s gonna stick.
AUGUSTUS: (in pipe, offstage) Help!
MR. TEEVEE: I think he has…
MR. SALT: He’s blocked the whole pipe…
(The Oompa Loompas enter, chanting, to begin their song.)
Song: Augustus Gloop
CHARLIE: Look, the Oompa Loompas!
MIKE: Back off, you little freaks!
VERUCA: What are they doing?
WONKA: Why, I believe they’re going to treat us to a little song! It is quite a special occasion, of course, as they haven’t had a fresh audience in many moons.
(The song begins, a Bollywood nightmare of Indian-influenced dance and chanting.)
OOMPA LOOMPAS:
AUGUSTUS GLOOP! AUGUSTUS GLOOP!
THE GREAT BIG GREEDY NINCOMPOOP!
AUGUSTUS GLOOP!
SO BIG AND VILE
SO GREEDY, FOUL, AND INFANTILE
'COME ON!' WE CRIED, 'THE TIME IS RIPE
TO SEND HIM SHOOTING UP THE PIPE!
BUT DON'T, DEAR CHILDREN, BE ALARMED;
AUGUSTUS GLOOP WILL NOT BE HARMED,
AUGUSTUS GLOOP WILL NOT BE HARMED!
(The dance becomes, briefly, a strange ballet, then returns to the Bollywood sequence.)
OOMPA LOOMPAS:
ALTHOUGH, OF COURSE, WE MUST ADMIT
HE WILL BE ALTERED QUITE A BIT.
SLOWLY, THE WHEELS GO ROUND AND ROUND,
THE COGS BEGIN TO GRIND AND POUND;
WE BOIL HIM FOR A MINUTE MORE,
UNTIL WE'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE
THEN OUT HE COMES! AND NOW! BY GRACE!
A MIRACLE HAS TAKEN PLACE!
A MIRACLE HAS TAKEN PLACE!
THIS GREEDY BRUTE, THIS LOUSE'S EAR,
IS LOVED BY PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!
FOR WHO COULD HATE OR BEAR A GRUDGE
AGAINST A LUSCIOUS BIT OF FUDGE?"
(Augustus shoots up the pipe and away, as the Oompa Loompas chant and dance off.)
WONKA: Bravo! Well done! Aren’t they charming? Aren’t they delightful?
MR. SALT: I do say, that all seemed rather rehearsed…
MIKE: Like they knew it was all gonna happen.
WONKA: Oh, poppycock.
MRS. GLOOP: Where is my son? Where does that pipe go to?
WONKA: That pipe? It just happens to go the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry-coated chocolate fudge!
MRS. GLOOP: Then he will be made into strawberry-coated chocolate-flavored fudge! They’ll be selling him by the pound all over the world!
WONKA: No, I wouldn’t allow it. The taste would be terrible! Can you imagine Augustus-flavored, chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it.
(Wonka ululates in Oompa Loompa language and an Oompa Loompa approaches.)
WONKA: I want you to take Mrs. Gloop to the fudge room, ‘kay? Help her find her son. Take a long stick, and start poking around in the mixing barrel. ‘Kay?
(The Oompa Loompa and Wonka do the ceremonial bow. The Oompa Loompa then leads Mrs. Gloop offstage, somewhat reluctantly.)
CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka?
WONKA: Huh?
CHARLIE: How would Augustus’s name already be in the Oompa Loompa song, unless they-
WONKA: Improvisation is just a parlor trick. Anyone can do it. (to Violet) You, little girl, say something. Anything.
VIOLET: Chewing gum.
WONKA: Chewing gum is really gross/Chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.
MIKE: No it isn’t.
WONKA: Uh, you really shouldn’t mumble, because I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now, on with the tour.
(They start to walk away.)
CHARLIE: Were the Oompa Loompas really joking, Grandpa Joe?
GRANDPA JOE: Of course they were, Charlie. That boy will be fine!
(The Wonkatania appears, an enormous boat made of candy, manned by a rowing crew of Oompa Loompas. The Chief, now dressed like the rest, keeps time on a drum. The boat stops, and the Oompa Loompas laugh.)
VIOLET: What’s so funny?
WONKA: I think it’s from all those doggone cocoa beans. Hey, by the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the release of endorphins, which gives one the feelings of being in love!
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: You don’t say…
(Master of the game, Mrs. Beauregarde shoots Wonka a flirtatious gaze. Wonka shakes it off.)
WONKA: All aboard!
(Everyone climbs into the boat.)
WONKA: Onward!
(The drums resume, and the boat sails off, towards a tunnel. Wonka spoons up some chocolate from the river with a ladle, which he passes to Charlie.)
WONKA: Here, some of this will do you good. You look starved to death.
(Charlie tries it, then passes it to Grandpa Joe.)
CHARLIE: It’s great!
WONKA: That’s because it’s mixed by waterfall. The waterfall is most important. It mixes the chocolate- churns it up, makes it light and frothy. And by the way, no other factory in the world-
VERUCA: You already said that.
(Wonka tenses up, then releases after an awkward moment.)
WONKA: You’re all quite short, aren’t you?
VIOLET: Well, yeah. We’re children.
WONKA: Well, that’s no excuse. I was never as short as you.
MIKE: Yes you were.
WONKA: Was not. You wanna know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short little arms- you could never reach.
CHARLIE: Do you even remember what it was like being a kid?
WONKA: Oh, boy, do I.
(He spaces out.)
WONKA: Do I… Do I?
NARRATOR: In fact, Willy Wonka hadn’t thought about his childhood for years.
(The scene becomes a flashback. Kids in Halloween costumes run about, up to a door. Mrs. Levi opens it.)
KIDS: Trick or treat!
MRS. LEVI: Oh, who do we have here? Ruthie, Veronica, Terrence, Phillip… and who’s that under the sheet?
(Young Willy lifts his ghost sheet off, revealing disgusting orthodontic headgear.)
MRS. LEVI: Little Willy Wonka.
(Young Willy walks off, embarrassed. He heads home.)
NARRATOR: Willy Wonka was the son of the city’s most famous dentist. Wilbur Wonka, D.D.S.
(Wilbur, Young Willy’s father, takes the candy bag from his son.)
WILBUR: Now, let’s see what the damage is this year, shall we? 
(He dumps out the candy and examines it.)
WILBUR: Caramels. They’d get stuck in your braces, wouldn’t they? Lollipops. Ought to be called cavities on a stick! Then we have all of this… chocolate. You know, just last week I was reading in a very important medical journal that some children are allergic to chocolate. It makes their noses itch.
YOUNG WILLY: Maybe I’m not allergic. I could try it.
WILBUR: Really? But why take a chance?
(Wilbur scoops up the candy and throws it away, into the audience. Young Willy looks sad. They disappear and the action onstage continues, with Wonka still in a trance.)
CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka, Mr. Wonka! We’re headed for a tunnel!
WONKA: (snapping out of it) Oh, yeah. Full speed ahead!
(The boat sails into the tunnel. Blackout.)
VIOLET: How can they see where they’re going?
WONKA: They can’t. There’s no knowing where we’re going!
(There is a long pause in the dark.)
WONKA: Switch on the lights.
(The lights come up on a row of doors along the river.)
WONKA: People? Keep an eye out, we’re passing some very important rooms here. On your left, you’ll see clotted cream, coffee cream, hair cream-
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: What do you use hair cream for?
WONKA: To lock in moisture. And behind this door, unmarked due to renovations-
(Mooing is heard, with whips cracking.)
CHARLIE: Whipped cream?
WONKA: Precisely!
VERUCA: That doesn’t make sense.
WONKA: For your information, little girl, whipped cream isn’t whipped cream at all, unless it’s been whipped with whips! Everybody knows that. And here we have jelly beans, and past that- oh! Stop the boat! I want to show you something. 
(Everyone gets out of the boat and enters the Inventing Room. It’s a mad scientist’s candy laboratory.)
WONKA: This is the most important room in the entire factory. Now, everyone enjoy yourselves, but please, just don’t touch anything, okay? Go on.
(Violet approaches a strange-looking contraption.)
VIOLET: Hey, Mr. Wonka, what’s this?
WONKA: Oh! Let me show you!
(A hand pops out of the machine and hands him a Gobstopper.)
WONKA: Thank you… These are Everlasting Gobstoppers. They’re for children who are given very little allowance money. You can suck on it all year, and it’ll never get any smaller!
VIOLET: Like gum!
WONKA: No, gum is for chewing. If you tried chewing a Gobstopper, you’d break all your little teeth off. But they sure do taste terrific.
(He crosses to another machine.)
WONKA: Now this is hair toffee. You suck down one of these little boogers and in exactly half an hour, a fresh new crop of hair will start growing all over the top of your little noggin. With a moustache and a beard!
MIKE: Who wants a beard?
WONKA: Well, beatniks for one, folk singers and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!
(He puts out his hand for a high five. Mike does not return it.)
WONKA: Unfortunately, the mixture isn’t quite right yet. An Oompa Loompa tried it yesterday, and-
(An Oompa Loompa enters looking like Cousin It from The Addams Family, with hair covering his entire body.)
WONKA: How are you today?
(Two hands pop out from under the hair and give thumbs ups.)
WONKA: You look great! Oooh- watch this!
(Wonka pulls a lever, and a machine goes through an amazing process, before finally, anticlimactically, dispensing a stick of chewing gum. Violet takes it immediately.)
MIKE: You mean that’s it?
WONKA: Do you even know what “it” is?
VIOLET: It’s gum.
WONKA: Yeah. It’s a stick of the most amazing and sensational gum in the whole universe. Know why? Know why? Because this gum is a full three-course dinner all by itself!
MR. SALT: Why would anyone want that?
(Wonka pulls out note cards to read off his answer.)
WONKA: (reading) “It will be the end of all kitchens and cooking. Just one strip of Wonka’s Chewing Gum and that is all you will ever need at breakfast, lunch or dinner. This piece of gum happens to be tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie.”
GRANDPA JOE: It sounds great!
VERUCA: It sounds weird.
VIOLET: It sounds like my kind of gum.
(She takes out her piece of gum, sticks it behind her ear, and prepares to chew the new one.)
WONKA: I’d rather you didn’t. There are still a few things that we’re-
VIOLET: I’m the world record holder in chewing gum. I’m not afraid of anything.
(She chews the stick of gum.)
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: How is it, honey?
VIOLET: It’s amazing! Tomato soup! I can feel it running down my throat!
WONKA: Yeah! Spit it out.
GRANDPA JOE: Young lady, I think you’d better-
VIOLET: It’s changing! Roast beef with baked potato! Crispy skin and butter!
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Keep chewing, kiddo! My little girl’s gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!
WONKA: Yeah. I’m just a little concerned about the-
VIOLET: Blueberry pie and ice cream!
WONKA: That part.
VERUCA: What’s happening to her nose?
[Mrs Beuregarde looked and notice a small blue dot on Violet's nose that slowly started to spread.]
MR. SALT: She’s turning blue!
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Your whole nose has gone purple!
VIOLET: What do you mean?
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, you’re turning violet! What’s happening?
WONKA: Well, I told you I hadn’t got it right, because it goes a little funny when it gets to the dessert. It’s the blueberry pie that does it. I’m terribly sorry.
(Wonka, uncomfortable yet fascinated, steps back to watch the transformation. He knows full well what’s going to happen, so he steps behind the others. Violet, still shewing her gum looked at her hand in horror.]
VIOLET: Mother, what’s happening to me?
[To make things even worse, she slowly started to inflate like a giant blueberry]
GRANDPA JOE: She’s swelling up!
CHARLIE: Like a blueberry!
(Wonka stands behind Mrs. Beauregarde, who watches in horror, then startles her by his sudden entrance into conversation.)
WONKA: I’ve tried it on twenty Oompa Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It’s just weird!
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: But I can’t have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?
VERUCA: You could put her in a county fair.
(The Oompa Loompas enter, dancing and chanting, for their next song. It’s a hip-hop funk parody. They dance with imitation hipness, like disco dancers meet wiggers. It’s all rather strange.)
Song: Violet Beauregarde
Oompa Loompas:
LISTEN CLOSE, AND LISTEN HARD,
THE TALE OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE
THIS DREADFUL GIRL SHE SEES NO WRONG
CHEWING, CHEWING, CHEWING, CHEWING,
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG.CHEWING,
CHEWING ALL DAY LONG.
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG.
SHE GOES ON CHEWING TILL AT LAST
HER CHEWING MUSCLES GO SO FAST.
AND FROM HER FACE HER GIANT CHIN
STICKS OUT JUST LIKE A VIOLIN
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG.
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG.
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG
FOR YEARS AND YEARS SHE CHEWS AWAY
HER JAW GETS STRONGER EVERY DAY.
AND WITH ONE GREAT TREMENDOUS CHEW
THEY BITE THE POOR GIRLS TOUNGE IN TWO
AND THAT IS WHY WE TRY SO HARD
TO SAVE MISS VIOLET BEAUREGARDE
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG CHEWING,
CHEWING ALL DAY LONG
CHEWING, CHEWING, CHEWING, CHEWING,
CHEWING, CHEWING ALL DAY LONG
(The Oompa Loompas roll Violet away.)
WONKA: I want you to roll Miss Beauregarde into the boat and take her along to the juicing room at once.
(The Oompa Loompa bows.)
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: The juicing room? What are they going to do to her there?
WONKA: Squeeze her like a little pimple! We’ve got to squeeze all that juice out of her immediately.
VIOLET: (offstage) Mother- help me! Please!
(Mrs. Beauregarde runs off to join her daughter.)
WONKA: Come on, let’s boogie! Without the boat, we’ll have to move double time. There’s far too much to see.
CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka?
WONKA: Yeah?
CHARLIE: Why did you decide to let people in?
WONKA: Why, to let people see the factory, of course!
CHARLIE: But why now?
MIKE: What’s the special prize, and who gets it?
WONKA: The best kind of prize is a sur-prize!
(He chuckles at his joke to ease the tension.)
VERUCA: Will Violet always be a blueberry?
WONKA: No. Maybe. I don’t know. But that’s what you get for chewing gum all day. It’s just disgusting.
MIKE: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?
WONKA: Once again, you shouldn’t mumble, ‘cause it’s kinda starting to bum me out.
CHARLIE: Do you remember the first candy you ever ate?
(Wonka spaces out.)
WONKA: No…
NARRATOR: In fact, Willy Wonka did remember the first candy he ever ate.
(Young Willy appears, searching for a lost piece of the candy his father threw away. He picks one up off the floor, looks around for his father, then, with considerable excitement and pain, unwraps it and forces it through his headgear. The lights flash, and suddenly Young Willy is eating a large box of chocolates with abandon. He tastes each one, then writes down notes about it in his notebook. Suddenly, he disappears, and Wonka returns to reality.)
WONKA: I'm sorry- I was having a flashback.
MR. SALT: I see.
MR. TEEVEE: These flashbacks happen often?
WONKA: Increasingly… today.
(Wonka leads the group up to the door of the Nut Sorting Room.)
MR. SALT: Ah, this is a room I know all about! You see, Mr. Wonka, I am in the nut sorting business.
(He hands Wonka his card. Wonka immediately tosses it over his shoulder without reading it.)
MR. SALT: Are you using the Hammermax 4000 to do your sorting?
WONKA: No… you’re really weird.
(He leads them into the Nut Sorting Room. The sounds of nuts being shelled at rapid rates can be heard. Thousands of squirrels shell the nuts.)
VERUCA: Squirrels!
WONKA: Yeah, squirrels. These squirrels are specially trained to get the nuts out of their shells.
MR. SALT: Why use squirrels? Why not use Oompa Loompas?
WONKA: Because only squirrels can usually get the whole walnut out every time. You see how they tap each nut with their little knuckles to make sure it’s not bad? Oh, look! I think that one’s got a bad nut!
(The squirrel tosses the bad nut down the garbage chute.)
VERUCA: Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels. I want one.
MR. SALT: Veruca, dear, you have many marvelous pets.
VERUCA: All I’ve got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and two canaries and a green parrot and a turtle and a silly old hamster! I want a squirrel!
MR. SALT: Alright, pet. Daddy will get you a squirrel just as soon as he possibly can.
VERUCA: But I don’t want any old squirrel. I want a trained squirrel.
MR. SALT: Very well. Mr. Wonka, how much do you want for one of those squirrels? Name your price.
WONKA: They’re not for sale. She can’t have one.
VERUCA: Daddy…
(Wonka mimics Mr. Salt perfectly.)
WONKA: (as Mr. Salt) I’m sorry, darling. Mr. Wonka’s being unreasonable.
VERUCA: If you won’t get me a squirrel, I’ll get one myself.
(She climbs under the railing towards the squirrels.)
MR. SALT: Veruca…
WONKA: Little girl…
MR. SALT: Veruca, come back here at once!
(Veruca approaches the squirrels.)
MR. SALT: Veruca…
WONKA: Little girl- don’t touch that squirrel’s nuts! It’ll make him crazy!
(Veruca reaches for a squirrel.)
VERUCA: I’ll have you!
(The squirrels jump on Veruca en masse and drag her towards the garbage chute.)
MR. SALT: Veruca!
(Wonka pulls out a large ring of keys and begins to slowly search for the key to unlock the barrier to the floor.)
WONKA: Gotta find the key… no, not that one…
VERUCA: Daddy!
WONKA: There it is!… there it isn’t.
VERUCA: Daddy, I want them to stop!
(A squirrel climbs onto Veruca and taps on her head. He’s found a bad one, it seems.)
CHARLIE: What are they doing? 
WONKA: They’re testing her to see if she’s a bad nut… Oh, my goodness. It seems she is a bad nut after all.
(The squirrels drag her towards the chute.)
VERUCA: Daddy…
MR. SALT: Where are they taking her?
WONKA: Where all the other bad nuts go- to the garbage chute.
MR. SALT: Where does the chute go?
WONKA: To the incinerator. But don’t worry, we only light it on Tuesdays.
MIKE: Today is Tuesday.
WONKA: Well, there’s always the chance they decided not to light it today…
(Veruca screams in fear and pain as she finally falls down the garbage chute. Mr. Salt moans as well. The squirrels return to work.)
WONKA: She may be stuck in the chute somewhere near the top. If that’s the case, all you need to do is just reach in and pull her out.
(Wonka, very deliberately, unlocks the door of the gate and steps aside. Mr. Salt walks through, and onto the main floor. He stops, in confusion, as the Oompa Loompas, in hippie clothes, enter and begin to sing and dance around him. Their choreography is reminiscent of the musical Hair and Twyla Tharp, a stylized Summer Of Love happening.)
Song: Veruca Salt
OOMPA LOOMPAS:
VERUCA SALT, THE LITTLE BRUTE
HAS JUST GONE DOWN THE GARBAGE CHUTE.
AND SHE WILL MEET AS SHE DESCENDS,
A RATHER DIFFERENT SET OF FRIENDS.
A RATHER DIFFERENT SET OF FRIENDS
A RATHER DIFFERENT SET OF FRIENDS.
A FISHHEAD, FOR EXAMPLE, CUT, THIS MORNING FROM A HALIBUT.
AN OYSTER FROM AN OYSTER STEW,
A STEAK THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD CHEW.
AND LOTS OF OTHER THINGS AS WELL,
EACH WITH IT'S RATHER HORRID SMELL, HORRID SMELL.
THESE ARE VERUCA'S NEWFOUND FRIENDS
THAT SHE WILL MEET AS SHE DESCENDS.
THESE ARE VERUCA'S NEWFOUND FRIENDS!
(Mr. Salt finally walks down to find Veruca. The music grows more hypnotic, and the Oompa Loompas beckon to him.)
OOMPA LOOMPAS:
WHO WENT AND SPOILED HER, WHO INDEED?
WHO PANDERED TO HER EVERY NEED?
WHO TURNED HER INTO SUCH A BRAT?
WHO ARE THE CULPRITS? WHO DID THAT?
THE GUILTY ONES, NOW THIS IS SAD,
ARE DEAR OLD MOM AND LOVING DAD.
(A squirrel kicks Mr. Salt down into the chute. An Oompa Loompa runs up to Wonka and whispers in his ear.)
WONKA: Really? Oh, good! I’ve just been informed that the incinerator is broken and there should be about three weeks of rotten garbage to break their fall!
MR. TEEVEE: Well, that’s good news.
WONKA: Yeah… let’s keep on truckin’!
(They walk towards the nearly-invisible Great Glass Elevator. Wonka pushes the button and opens the door.)
WONKA: I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier. The elevator is by far the most efficient way to get around the factory.
(Mike looks at all the buttons.)
MIKE: There can’t possibly be this many floors.
WONKA: How do you know, Mr. Smarty Pants? And this isn’t just an ordinary up and down elevator, by the way. It can go sideways, slantways, longways, and any other ways you can think of. You just push any button, and whoosh, you’re off!
(He presses a button, and they are hurtled through the factory. They pass by a snow- covered mountain inside of the factory.)
WONKA: Oh, look, look! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Fudge Mountain!
(Oompa Loompas chip fudge rocks off of the mountain. The elevator passes on, passing pink sheep being sheared by the Oompa Loompas. It’s reminiscent of the pink sweater from Ed Wood. Wonka is suddenly rather awkward.)
WONKA: I’d rather not talk about this one.
(They pass a hospital full of Wonka’s robot puppets from the Welcome Song.)
WONKA: This is the puppet hospital and burn center. It’s rather new.
(They pass rows of desks full of Oompa Loompas.)
WONKA: Ah, the administrations offices! Hello, Doris!
(An Oompa Loompa in a secretary’s frumpy dress and glasses waves to him. They then pass into a room full of fireworks and exposions, where Oompa Loompas are shooting candy cannons at each other.)
MIKE: Why is everything here completely pointless?
CHARLIE: Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.
MIKE: It’s stupid!
(Suddenly, Mike speaks with the voice of Wilbur Wonka.)
MIKE: (lip-syncing to Wilbur): Candy is a waste of time!
(Wilbur and Young Willy appear in a spotlight.)
WILBUR: No son of mine is going to become a chocolatier!
YOUNG WILLY: Then I’ll run away to Switzerland, Bavaria, the candy capitals of the world!
WILBUR: Go ahead- but I won’t be here when you come back!
(Young Willy walks out silently. Wilbur snaps his rubber glove. Young Willy walks past thousands of flags, but is then accosted by a security guard.)
GUARD: I’m sorry, boy. We’re closed for the night.
(Young Willy walks out of the Hall of Flags, dejectedly. As he returns to his old street, his house is gone. There is only a vacant lot where it used to stand. Wonka flashes back to reality.)
MIKE: I wanna pick a room!
(Wonka smiles, not in the nicest way.)
WONKA: Go ahead.
MIKE: (pushing a button) Sweet! The television room!
(The elevator zooms off. It arrives in a white, sterile environment, where even the Oompa Loompas wear white jumpsuits and protective glasses. It’s reminiscent of the lab from Rocky Horror. Television cameras line the room. Wonka hands everyone protective sunglasses.)
WONKA: Here. Put these on quick, and don't take them off whatever you do. This light could burn your eyeballs right out of your skulls. And we certainly don't want that, now, do we? This is the testing room for my very latest and greatest invention: Television Chocolate. One day it occurred to me: "Hey, if television can break up a photograph into millions and millions of tiny pieces and send it whizzing through the air then reassemble it on the other end why can't I do the same with chocolate? Why can't I send a real bar of chocolate through the television, ready to be eaten?"
MR. TEEVEE: Sounds impossible.
MIKE: It is impossible. You don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between waves and particles. Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy in matter would be like nine atomic bombs.
WONKA: Mumbler! Seriously, I cannot understand a single word you're saying. Okey-dokey. I shall now send a bar of chocolate from one end of the room to the other by television. Bring in the chocolate.
WONKA: It's gotta be real big because you know how on TV you can film a regular-size man, and he comes out looking this tall? Same basic principle.
CHARLIE: It's gone.
WONKA: Told you. That bar of chocolate is now rushing through the air above our heads in a million tiny little pieces. Come over here. Come on. Come on. Come on!
WONKA: Watch the screen. Look- here it comes!
(The candy bar appears in place of the monolith. The monkeys jump around it.)
WONKA: There it is. Go ahead- take it!
MIKE: It’s just a picture on a screen.
WONKA: Scaredy cat. (to Charlie) You take it. Go on, just reach out and grab it.
(Charlie reaches into the scene and grabs the candy bar, pulling it out.)
GRANDPA JOE: Holy buckets…
WONKA: Eat it. It’ll be delicious- it’s the same bar, but it got a little smaller on the journey, that’s all.
(Charlie unwraps the bar. Wonka pantomimes biting, and Charlie bites into the candy.)
CHARLIE: It’s great!
GRANDPA JOE: It’s a miracle!
WONKA: So imagine. You’re sitting at home watching television, and a commercial will come on. Then a voice will say, “Wonka’s chocolates are the best in the world. If you don’t believe us, try one yourself.” Then you simply reach out and take it! How about that?
MR. TEEVEE: So could you send other things? Like… breakfast cereal?
WONKA: Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal is made of? It’s those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners.
CHARLIE: But could you send it by television if you wanted to?
WONKA: Course I could.
MIKE: How about people?
WONKA: Well, why would I want to send a person? They don’t taste very good at all!
MIKE: Don’t you realize what you’ve invented? It’s a teleporter! It’s the most important invention in the history of the world, and all you can think about is chocolate.
MR. TEEVEE: Calm down, Mike, I think Mr. Wonka knows what he’s talking about.
MIKE: No he doesn’t! He doesn’t have any idea! You think he’s a genius, but he’s an idiot! (Beat.) But I’m not.
(Mike goes running towards the camera.)
WONKA: Hey little boy- don’t push my button!
(Mike pushes the button, then runs onto the teleporting platform. The lights flash, and he disappears.)
MR. TEEVEE: He’s gone!
WONKA: Let’s go check the television and see what we get!
(They all cross to the television.)
WONKA: I sure hope no part of him gets left behind…
MR. TEEVEE: What do you mean?
WONKA: Well, sometimes only half the pieces make it all the way through… If you had to choose only half of your son, which half would it be?
MR. TEEVEE: What kind of question is that?
WONKA: No need to snap- it’s just a question. 
(Wonka beckons to an Oompa Loompa.)
WONKA: Try every channel. I’m starting to feel a little anxious. 
Song: Mike Teevee
(The Oompa Loompas appear as television characters, as Mike runs through a television nightmare. Mike runs and runs, but keeps seeing nothing but talk show hosts, pitchmen, heavy metal bands, and other banal television stereotypes.)
CHARLIE: There he is.
MR. TEEVEE: Mike.
OOMPA LOOMPAS:
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
THAT WE’VE EVER LEARNED
THE MOST IMPORTANT WE’VE LEARNED
AS FAR AS CHILDREN ARE CONCERNED
IS NEVER EVER LET THEM NEAR
YOUR TELEVISION SET
OR BETTER STILL, JUST DON’T INSTALL
THE IDIOTIC THING AT ALL
IT ROTS THE SENSES IN THE HEAD!
IT KEEPS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND!
SO DULL AND BLIND, SO DULL AND BLIND!
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FAIRYTALE, A FAIRYLAND!
A FAIRYLAND, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE
HIS THINKING POWERS RUST AND FREEZE
HE CANNOT THINK, HE ONLY SEES!
HE ONLY SEES, HE ONLY SEES!
REGARDING LITTLE MIKE TEEVEE
WE VERY MUCH REGRET THAT WE
SHALL SIMPLY HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE
WE VERY MUCH REGRET THAT WE
SHALL SIMPLY HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE
IF WE CAN GET HIM BACK HIS HEIGHT
BUT IF WE CAN’T-
IT SERVES HIM RIGHT
WONKA: Ew. Somebody grab him.
MIKE: Help me! Help me!
(Mr. Teevee grabs Mike, now only six inches tall.)
WONKA: Oh thank heavens, he’s completely unharmed.
MR. TEEVEE: Unharmed, what are you talking about?
MIKE: Just put me back in the other way!
WONKA: There is no other way. It’s television, not telephone. There’s quite a difference.
MR. TEEVEE: Then what do you propose to do about it?
WONKA: I don’t know. But young men are extremely springy- they stretch like mad! Let’s go put him in the taffy puller!
MR. TEEVEE: Taffy puller?!?
WONKA: Hey- that was my idea. Boy, is he gonna be skinny. Yeah, taffy puller.
(Wonka calls over an Oompa Loompa.)
WONKA: I want you to take Mr. Teevee and his… little boy to the taffy puller, okay? Stretch him out. Come on.
(The Oompa Loompa bows and leads them off.)
WONKA: On with the tour? Come on, there’s still so much to see. Now, how many children are left?
(Wonka, Grandpa Joe and Charlie, the last members of the tour, remove their glasses. Wonka can see clearly to count now.)
GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, Charlie is the only one left.
WONKA: You mean you’re the only one?
CHARLIE: Yes.
WONKA: What happened to the others? (Beat.) Oh, my dear boy, that means you’ve won!
(Wonka shakes Charlie’s hand vigorously.)
WONKA: Oh, I do congratulate you, I really do. I am absolutely delighted! I knew it would be you, right from the beginning, I did! Now we mustn’t dilly, or dally, because we have an enormous number of things to do before the day’s out. But luckily for us, we have the Great Glass Elevator to speed things-
(Wonka walks straight into the wall of the elevator by accident. After an awkward pause, he picks himself up again.)
WONKA: -speed things along.
(He leads the others into the elevator.)
WONKA: Come on!
(He pushes a button marked “Up and Out.”)
CHARLIE: Up and Out? What kind of a room is that?
WONKA: Hold on…
(The elevator starts to move upward.)
WONKA: We’ll need to move much faster, or else we’ll never break through!
CHARLIE: Through what?
WONKA: I’ve been longing to press that button for years! Well, here we go, up and out!
GRANDPA JOE: But do you really mean-
WONKA: Yes I do!
GRANDPA JOE: But it’s made of glass! We’ll be smashed into a million pieces!
(Wonka merely laughs excitedly, as the elevator crashes through the roof and flies above the city. Below them, the other children and their parents are exiting the factory. Augustus and Mrs. Gloop exit first. Augustus is covered in chocolate- he may, in fact, be partially made of chocolate, and he can’t stop licking himself.)
MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, please, don’t eat your fingers!
AUGUSTUS: But I taste so good!
(Mrs. Beauregarde and Violet exit next. Violet, still blue but not inflated, is doing handstands and cartwheels.)
VIOLET: Look, Mother! I’m even more flexible now!
MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Yes, but you’re blue.
(Mr. Salt and Veruca exit, covered in garbage. They walk in a furious silence. Mr. Teevee and Mike exit next. Mike is stretched into a tall, thin version of himself.)
VERUCA: Daddy, I want a flying glass elevator!
MR. SALT: The only thing you’re getting today is a bath, and that’s final.
VERUCA: But I want it!
(The children and their families exit the factory gates and walk away.)
WONKA: Where do you live?
CHARLIE: Right over there, in that little house.
(The scene shifts to the Bucket home.)
MRS. BUCKET: When do you think they’ll be back?
MR. BUCKET: Hard to know, dear.
(The elevator crashes through the roof, landing in the middle of their house.)
GRANDMA GEORGINA: I think there’s someone at the door!
(The travelers exit the elevator.)
CHARLIE: Hi! Mum, dad, we’re back!
MR. BUCKET: Charlie, my goodness!
CHARLIE: This is Willy Wonka. He gave us a ride home.
MRS. BUCKET: I see that.
WONKA: You must be the boy’s…
(Wonka cannot spit out the word “parents.”)
MR. BUCKET: Parents?
WONKA: Yeah, that.
GRANDPA JOE: He says that Charlie’s won something!
WONKA: Not just some something, the most something something there’s ever been! I’m going to give this little boy my entire factory!
GRANDPA JOE: You must be joking!
WONKA: No, really, it’s true. You see, a month ago I was having my semi-annual haircut, and I had the strangest revelation- a gray hair. My first gray hair! In that one silver strand, I saw reflected my whole life’s work. My factory, my beloved Oompa Loompas- who would watch over them after I was gone? I realized in that moment, I must find a heir… er, an heir. And I did, Charlie- you!
CHARLIE: All because I won a golden ticket?
WONKA: Yes.
MRS. BUCKET: (whispered) What’s an Oompa Loompa?
WONKA: I invited five children to my factory and the one who was the least rotten was the winner!
GRANDPA JOE: That’s you, Charlie.
WONKA: So what do you say? Are you ready to leave all this behind and come live with me at the factory?
CHARLIE: Sure, of course- I mean, if it’s all right if my family comes too.
WONKA: Oh, my dear boy, of course they can’t! You can’t run a chocolate factory with a family hanging over you like an old dead goose! (to Grandpa George) No offense.
GRANDPA GEORGE: None taken- jerk.
WONKA: A chocolatier has to run free and solo. He has to follow his dreams, gosh darn the consequences. Look at me- I had no family, and I’m a giant success.
CHARLIE: So if I go with you to the factory, I won’t ever see my family again?
WONKA: Yeah! Consider that a bonus!
CHARLIE: Then I’m not going. I wouldn’t give up my family for anything- not for all the chocolate in the world.
(Wonka looks genuinely hurt by this.)
WONKA: Oh, I see… that’s weird. (Beat.) There’s other candy too besides chocolate!
CHARLIE: I’m sorry, Mr. Wonka. I’m staying here.
WONKA: Wow. Well, that’s just unexpected and… weird. But I suppose in that case, I’ll just… goodbye, then. Sure you won’t change your mind, then?
CHARLIE: I’m sure.
WONKA: Okay, bye.
(He takes off in the elevator. There is a long pause.)
GRANDMA GEORGINA: Things are going to get much better!
NARRATOR: And for once, Grandma Georgina knew exactly what she was talking about. The next morning, Charlie helped his parents fix a hole in the roof. Grandpa Joe spent the whole day out of bed. He didn’t feel tired at all. Charlie’s father got a better job at the toothpaste factory, repairing the machine that had replaced him. Things had never been better for the Bucket family. The same could not be said for Willy Wonka.
(Wonka appears on a psychiatrist’s couch talking to his Oompa Loompa psychiatrist.)
WONKA: I just can’t put my finger on it. Candy’s always been the one thing I’ve been certain of, and now I’m just not certain at all! I don’t know what flavors to make, I don’t know what ideas to try, I’m second-guessing myself, which is nuts. I’ve always made whatever candy I felt like, and now I-
(He sits up, an epiphany in his face.)
WONKA: That’s just it, isn’t it? I make the candy I feel like, but now I feel terrible, so the candy is terrible! You’re very good!
(The Oompa Loompa takes off his glasses and nods, silent as always. The scene shifts to the newspaper stand on the corner by Bill’s candy store. Charlie is shining a gentleman’s shoes. The gentleman is hidden behind a newspaper.)
GENTLEMAN: Pity about that chocolate fellow, Wendell, er, Wally. Walter.
CHARLIE: Willy Wonka.
GENTLEMAN: That’s the one. Says here in the paper that his new candies aren’t selling very well. But I suppose maybe he’s just a rotten egg who deserves it.
CHARLIE: Yup.
GENTLEMAN: Oh, really? You ever meet him?
CHARLIE: I did. I thought he was great at first, but then, he didn’t turn out so nice. And he has such a funny haircut.
(The gentleman drops his paper- it’s Willy Wonka, of course.)
WONKA: I do not!
CHARLIE: Why are you here?
WONKA: I don’t feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?
CHARLIE: My family.
WONKA: Ew.
CHARLIE: What do you have against my family?
WONKA: It’s not just your family, it’s the whole idea of-
(He can’t spit it out.)
WONKA: You know, they’re always telling you what to do, what not to do, and it’s not conducive to a creative atmosphere!
CHARLIE: Usually they’re just trying to protect you, because they love you.
(Wonka reacts with disbelief and disgust.)
CHARLIE: If you don’t believe me, you should ask.
WONKA: Ask who? My father? No way… at least not by myself.
CHARLIE: You want me to go with you?
WONKA: Hey, what a good idea! Yeah! And you know what? I’ve got transpor-
(He walks into the wall of the Great Glass Elevator again.)
WONKA: I have to be more careful where I park this thing.
(He and Charlie take off. They arrive on a snowy hill where the house torn from Wonka’s old neighborhood stands.)
WONKA: I think we’ve got the wrong house.
(He sees the plaque reading “Dr. Wilbur Wonka” and grimaces. Charlie rings the bell. Wilbur, now an old man, opens the door. He looks on his son without recognition.)
WILBUR: Do you have an appointment?
CHARLIE: No, but he’s overdue.
(Wonka, now inside, lies down on a table for Wilbur to inspect with his dental tools.)
WILBUR: Open… Now, let’s see what the damage is, shall we?
(As Wilbur inspects Wonka’s teeth, Charlie examines the room. It is papered with Wonka memorabilia, tokens of Wilbur’s lost son.)
WILBUR: Heavens, I haven’t seen bicuspids like these since… since… Willy?
(Wonka sits up and looks his father in the eye.)
WONKA: Hi, Dad.
WILBUR: All these years… and you haven’t flossed.
WONKA: Not once.
(They hug awkwardly, both fidgeting their hands, causing their rubber gloves to squeak. The scene shifts to the Bucket home again. The grandparents are all out of bed and sitting at the dinner table.)
NARRATOR: It was on this day that Willy Wonka repeated his offer to Charlie, who accepted his offer on one condition.
(Wonka and Charlie enter.)
CHARLIE: Sorry we were late, we were brainstorming.
MR. BUCKET: Will you be staying for dinner, Willy?
WONKA: Yes, please!
GRANDPA JOE: I’ll shuffle the plates.
(Wonka sits down at the table between the grandmothers.)
GRANDMA GEORGINA: You smell like peanuts… I love peanuts!
WONKA: Oh, thank you! You smell like old people and soap… I like it!
MRS. BUCKET: Elbows off the table, Charlie.
WONKA: How do you all feel about little raspberry kites?
CHARLIE: With licorice instead of string?
MRS. BUCKET: Boys- no business at the dinner table.
(She spoons out sweet potatoes.)
CHARLIE: Sorry, mum.
WONKA: I think you’re onto something though, Charlie.
(The camera pulls back, revealing the house inside of Wonka’s factory, complete with powdered-sugar snow. The narrator is seen for the first time- he is an Oompa Loompa.)
NARRATOR: In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory, but Willy Wonka got something even better- a family. And one thing was absolutely certain… life had never been sweeter. The end.
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