The Fast and the Clowniest 2: Clown Heist

Chapter 1 - The Clown-Ride Never Ends
Me and Clownner were in the backseat of the police car. The car was going up to 80 miles an hour, and the police sirens blasted in our ears. The cops were in a hot pursuit chase with a clown car on the highway. "Let's try to corner it!" said the cop in the car. The cop zoomed up to the rear of the clown car, and two cop cars beside it started closing in on it too. I heard the cop in the front seat chuckle, as if he knew these clowns were screwed. I looked at Clownner. "Do you think they'll actually get caught?" I asked. He shook his head slowly. Then, the cop car spiraled out of control, and smashed into another cop car on the left, going at least 90 miles per hour. I looked at the front windshield, and saw a red splat on it. Those dang clowns threw a tomato at us!
The cop car we were in then toppled and flipped into a ditch. My head hurt really bad from all the bumping. I looked to Conner. He seemed to have a massive headache. I then looked in the front, and saw that the cop was passed out and had a blood gash on his bald head. "Now's our chance to escape!" I exclaimed to Clownner. We both crawled out a broken window. "We need to get these darned cuffs off!" Clowenner exclaimed. I I dragged the cop's body out of the toppled over vehicle (with my hands behind my back, and it wasn't easy). "Hurry, hurry!" Clownner demanded. As I was trying to reach for the cop's keys, I accidentally tripped and fell flat on top of his body. That woke him up.
His eyes widened, and he got up instantly. He stared at us both, then went into a karate pose. "I got a black belt in middle school, you don't want to mess with me!" That's when Clownner stabbed him with a piece of broken glass. I got the keys off of him, went over to Clownner, and uncuffed them. Then he uncuffed me. An ambulance rolled up to the scene, ready to take us alive. "Run!" I yelled. We ran as fast as we could. However, we were in an open field in a rural area, so everyone could see us. "Agggh we're screwed!" I yelled as we ran for our lives. Clownner then started to slow down, then to a stop. I stopped too. "Dude, what the hell are you doing??" He looked off into the distance as if he had gave up all hope.
Nah, just kidding. He was actually staring at two bicyclists who stopped at the side of the road to stare at us. Clownner turned to me, then nodded. I knew the plan. We both charged at the innocent bicyclists. Clownner punched the one on the right in the face, while I head-butted the one on the left in the balls. He fell straight to the ground, and groaned in pain. Luckily, he was wearing a helmet. Me and Clownner hopped on the bikes, and peddled off like there was no tomorrow.
Chapter 2 - Clownholes
We peddled for about an hour. It was now night. We were in a back alley in a small town. We sat near a smelly dumpster next to a bunch of big cardboard boxes. "So... what now?" I asked Clownner. "First, we get rid of these dammed clown outfits. No more." We ripped off our clown clothes, and threw them in the dumpster. However, we still had the make-up on. We looked like total goofballs. But it was weird seeing Clownner in that ridiculous clown costume.
"I really need to get back home dude. But how? My cash and credit card are at home..." I said to Clownner. Clownner sighed. "I'm sick of being poor. Sick of it. I haven't had money of my own of spend in months." "Well, you can just get a job." I said. "Yeah, but that would take a while. And besides, there are warrants out for our arrests. It's too risky." He said. "Well... got any plans?" I asked. He smirked. "We rob a bank." Clownner said. "W-what? Are you crazy?!" I exclaimed. He sighed to himself. "Yeah. Guess so." he said disappointed. Then, clowns came out of the shadows and attacked us.
"Oof, ow, ouch, yikes, owie, uh!" -- several of the many phrases we uttered as we got beaten to a pulp. We were on the hard pavement in pain. I looked up, and saw the clowns standing over us, laughing. There were at least five of them. "Rob a bank, eh? Don't mind if we do!" a yellow clown with blacked out eyes said to us. "Get lost, assholes!" Clownner exclaimed while groaning in pain. "Screw off! We'll show you ass-clowns how to rob a bank. You pansy wusses couldn't even lick shit from the bottom of scrap barrel even if you tried!" the rude yellow clown rambled to us.
There was a brief silence. "Uh, when do we start the heist?" one of the clowns muttered. "Yeah. Hmm... lemme think about this boys." said the yellow clown. "Sunday." I groaned. "Huh? Sunday?" the yellow clown questioned. That's when one of his minions spoke."Yeah, I think only two people work at the bank on Sunday." "Perfect." said the yellow clown. They spit on us as they walked off.
I picked myself up from the hard ground. I reach my arm out to pull Clownner up. "Sunday? Why Sunday?" Clownner asked. "Oh, you don't know?" I questioned. "No. Never been to a bank. I've been poor all my life!" Clownner explained. "Oh. Then it will be a surprise to you then." I said. "Whatever." Clownner grunted. We waddled through the alley in pain. "Agh, I think that light-blue clown relocated my balls." I groaned. "The yellow clown relocated my nose." Clownner turned around, showing that his red clown nose was shoved deep up his ass. I looked at him and said, "I'm not pulling that out."
Chapter 3 - Clown's Spaghetti
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After refusing to pull a ball out of a clown's ass, we walked down the street , looking for a motel or something to stay in. However, we were mugged by big black dudes almost immediately upon crossing the street. They couldn't find any wallets on us (we're poor!), but they did give us even more bruises. I still couldn't feel my balls, and Clownner now had two clown noses shoved up his ass (don't ask how). So we went back to the alleyway, and slept in one of the dumpsters.
Later, we woke up. We smelled like mom's spaghetti, our knees were weak and arms were heavy. Those clowns and black guys gave us the beating of a lifetime. Discrimination against clowns needs to stop. Anyway, we decided to walk down the sidewalk this time. As we passed an Italian restaurant (is that why we smelled like spaghetti??), we heard screams come from inside. We rushed in, and saw that a robbery was going on.
The man robbing was wearing a black jacket and burglar mask. He pointed a gun at the cash register employee, screaming, "This is a robbery, now get down on the floor!". He then, for some reason, dropped his gun, and picked up the heavy cash register, and proceeded to walk out of the restaurant. He walked right pass us and headed for his car. He tossed the register in the car's front seat, then walked back into the restaurant. Man, this guy's got balls! Too bad I still can't feel mine...
Anyway, the whole time I was wondering where the cops were at. We walked in a little more, and saw that he picked up his weapon that was laying on the floor. He then walked over to a fat guy eating spaghetti. He pointed the gun at him. "Gimme the spaghetti!" he demanded. The fat guy was pissed. He stood up from his chair. The fat guy was bald, and wearing a white shirt. "You can steal my money, my wife's son, but you will not steal my spaghetti!!" The fat guy yelled at the robber. He wasn't having it. But neither was the robber, because he shot the fat guy dead in the stomach.
The fat guy spat out blood, and groaned in pain. That's when the robber put the gun in his gun holster, and ran off with the guy's spaghetti. The fat guy was still standing, however. He pulled the bullet out of his gut, and started to chew on it. He then swallowed it. Yes, really. He then let out a blood curdling scream. His bald face was red, eyes wide open, steam coming out of his nose. He charged for the robber. While all this was going on, we hopped in the robber's car. Why? I dunno, to be adventurous I guess.
The robber casually opened the driver's door. He took a seat, and began eating the spaghetti like nothing happened. All while, we're in his back seat and he doesn't notice. As he was delightfully chewing the spaghetti, the fat guy charged at the car. He shook it violently, then punched his hand through the passenger's window. "GIMME BACK MY F!@#$%KING SPAGHETTI!!" he screamed. The robber threw the spaghetti at his face, then started the car. Oh boy. He then zoomed out of the parking space, going 0 to 60 in a second. 20 seconds into the drive, I was wondering if we should tell the robber we were in the back of his car. Before I did, I looked back to see if there were any cops following. There wasn't. No. Instead, it was the fat guy. "Shit." I said under my breath. The robber looked back, seeing two clown-heads and a psycho bullet eating fat man all within a about 4 feet of him. Yeah.
Chapter 4 - 3 Cars 2 Clowns 1 Life
The robber gave a shocked expression. He then turned back to the wheel, pretending he didn't see anything. When he focused on the road again, he saw a cop car parked on the side of the road. He knew what was coming. A high speed chase with the police, a fat guy, and two ass-clowns in the back. He sped up the car, going from 60 to 90 in 0000.92 seconds. Me and Clownner flew back from the intensity of the speed. We were now on the interstate. The car sped-up faster and faster. It felt like I was in a jet. Despite the sound of the loud engine, I could hear the fat guy from behind laughing manically.
WOOP! WOOP!
There was now a police car behind the fat guy. I looked at the robber, and he was sweating profusely. He didn't seem to be enjoying the high speed chase, and was clearly nervous. What a lame-ass. He looked in the side-mirror and saw that the fat guy was extremely close. The robber's eyes were as wide as balls now. While flying down the highway at extreme speeds, he took one hand off the wheel, and pulled out his gun. I looked at Clownner, thinking what the robber was about to do. That's when the robber pointed the gun at us.
POW!
Me and Clownner ducked, and the bullet went through the back window. Glass shattered everywhere. "Ahhhh!" I screamed. The only thing I could hear now was the intense speeds of the wind. It felt like I was in the eye of a hurricane. Just as I thought things couldn't get any worse, I flew out the back window. However, I managed to hold onto a part of the inside of the car. My body was being lifted by the crazy wind. If I let go, I'm going to get flung into the air, and will probably be launched into outer space.
The part of the car I was holding onto was the part where the window broke. So, I had glass stuck in my hand. I can't hold on much longer! Clownner reached out his hand, and grabbed me, trying to pull me in. However, that made things worse. When he pulled on my arm, I felt the glass press into my hand even further. I tried to hold on... but I just couldn't any longer. That's when I got launched into the air.
"Oof!" I exclaimed as I landed on the fat guy's car's front window. The fat guy could no longer see. He started loosing control of the vehicle. he spiraled out of control, and crashed into a ditch on the left side of the road. That's when I got flown into the air again, and landed on top of the cop car. I was hanging onto the police siren bar. My heart was racing so fast, it was probably beating ten times per second. But I need to do something about this cop car. I don't want me and Clownner to get a arrested. So, I did something insane and dangerous.
The cop car was right on the tail of the robber's car. Right beside the cop car was another car. Some beat-up brown car. I jumped from the cop car, and onto the brown car. I barley landed on the windshield. I heard the glass crack. The driver began losing control, and slammed right into the cop car. When that happened, I quickly hopped onto the cop car, then leaped on the back of the robber's car. I was hanging onto the back again. Luckily, Clownner managed to pull me. The only thing he could say was "Holy shit!"
The robber now had no one on his tail. Though, I'm sure more cops are on the way. The car started to slow down just a tiny bit. That's when the robber looked back to me, and nodded, as to say "thank you". He then made a quick turn onto a dirt road, and drove for about another two minutes. There wasn't that much traffic around anymore either. He stopped the car on the side of the woods, and got out very fast. "Quick, grab the cash register!" the robber demanded. Me and Clownner both picked up the register, and scurried into the woods with the robber.
Chapter 5 - Clown Robbery Training 101
The robber ran full force through the dense woods, as me and Clownner struggled to carry a heavy cash register through the shrubs of the forest. After a few minutes of awkward, painful speed walking, we made it to the edge of a creek. Me and Clownner set the register down. We let out a sigh of relief, and stretched out our backs. My legs hurt like crazy! After a minute of catching our breath, the robber confronted us. "How the hell did you two clown-heads end up with me?" he asked while pointing a gun at us.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Clownner exclaimed. He studied us while the gun faced us. "Come on, answer!" he demanded. "I-I don't know! We just--" I tried to poorly explain until I was interrupted. "You two just wanted the stolen money, didn't you?" he accused us. "No, no, no! We... uh..." I didn't finish. He dropped his pointed gun stance, then put the gun back in his gun holster. "Just forget about it." he said. "But you two won't be getting the money. It's mine!" the robber told us. Me and Clownner looked at each other, then back to the robber. "Yeah, that's fine!" I nodded. "Good." he simply said before grabbing all the cash out of the register, and stuffing them in his pocket. "The register is yours now." he said looking at us. Me and Clownner looked down at the empty register. "Haha." Clownner sarcastically said.
The robber headed to the other side of the creek. "You guys are on your own!" he said as he walked off. "Wait!" Clownner exclaimed. The robber stopped and looked back. "You seem like a good robber. Mind teaching us your secrets?" Clownner asked. "Huh, why should I tell you ass-clowns anything?"" the robber questioned. "We want to rob a bank." Clownner said. The robber laughed. "You two dorks? Robbing a bank? Hahaha!" he laughed some more. "Yeah. That's why we need your help." Clownner said. I looked at Clownner confused. "What the hell, why are we going to rob a bank?" I whispered. Clownner didn't respond. The robber stood there to think. "This asshole clown gang is trying to rob the bank before we do. We really need your help." Clownner said. The robber approached us. "Deal. As long as I get a cut of the robbed money." the robber said. "Deal." Clownner said.
"Alright. Name's Dean Smith. Let's head out to my place. Quick!" Me, Clownner, and Dean made a mad dash for the car. We zoomed out of there like a bat out of hell. On the way there, I asked Clonner about the bank robbery. "Are you out of your mind?" I whispered to him. "No. We're poor. We need the money." Clownner said. "Damn straight." Dean said. We drove through some flat rural areas until we pulled into this long-ass driveway. Up ahead looked like a small house next to a military training base. We pulled up to the house. "Welcome... to Dean's Robbery 101!" Dean announced. "Uh... is this some kind of military training base?" I asked. "My dad was a Drill Sargent. He had a small base built this base to practice protocols and skillz and stuff." the Dean explained. "Let's head in." he continued.
Inside of the base had dirt as the ground. It was pretty dim in there, with the only light source coming from a light bulb attached to a string dangling from the ceiling. There was a brick wall a few feet in front us. Not much was going on inside. "So, what do we do?" I asked. "We do this." Dean said as he kicked down the brick wall, revealing another part of the room. There were two man sized rag dolls sitting on chairs behind a counter top up against the wall. Dean then reached for something in this big red chest. "Here." Dean tossed us two pistols. "Holy shit!" I exclaimed. "It's all part of the business." Dean said. "Now, go up to those rag dolls, guns pointed at them, and yell 'This is a robbery, now get down on the floor!'" Dean told us. We did, and it was an epic fail.
Just kidding. It all went just right. We even kicked the rag dolls to the floor, and screamed at them demanding money. "Alright, you clown boys did very well!" the Dean told us. Me and Clownner gave each other high-fives. "Now's it's time for the hard part." the Dead said. He walked us over to the other training base. It was just as dark as the other one. Except this one had a big-ass vault mounted on the wall. Dean then handed us one of those things that very hot fire comes out of. He also handed us protective shield masks. "Have at it." he said.
I won't go into the details too specifically. But, we cut a ring around the vault with ease. We turned to Dean. "Did we pass?" I asked. "Yes." he said. Me and Clownner cheered. "So, when does the clown heist start?" Dean asked. "Sunday." I said. Dean laughed. "Wait... so two are going to rob a bank... on a Sunday?!" he exclaimed. "It will all go according to plan. Trust me." I said.
Chapter 6 - Waiting Clowns
Next day later, it's Sunday. Dean pulled up to the bank in town. "You know there's a warrant out for arrest, right? The vehicle we're in is also probably wanted too." Clownner told Dean. "Oh. Yeah, you're right." Dean backed up near some bushes and a tree. To be more "hidden" I guess. He turned the car off. "Got everything?" Dean asked. I reached for the bag. Inside were two of those torch things, and three pistols. "Yep, it's all in there." I said. Dean smirked. "Good." He then tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel. "When the fuck are they going to be here?" Dean asked. "I... don't know." I said. "You shittin' me?" Dean uttered. "Yeah. All I know is that they'll be here this Sunday." I explained. Dean threw his head back. "Great. Now we gotta wait." Dean said. "But you can't." said Clownner. Dean looked pissed.
"Oh yeah. My stupid warrant." Dean moved out of the parking spot, and backed up into a narrow alley near the bank. Then we waited. "Y'know, I wish I was a clown." Dean expressed. "Being a clown is worse than a robber, rapist, or racist. Trust me, the clown business is for cult abiding and war mongers only." Clownner said. "Deep." Dean replied. While waiting, we did more small talk. "What are we going to do once those clownholes show up?" Dean wondered. "You'll see." I said while holding a baseball I snuk in the bag.
A few hours later, I was about to doze up. The clowns still haven't showed up. It was like 4PM. Clownner was asleep and snoring, and Dean was watching footage of famous bank heists on his phone. Clownner all of a sudden woke up. He rubbed his eyes and said, "They still aren't fuckin' here?" "Nope. I'm pissed." Dean said. I was dozing off, I was sick of waiting, and even started having doubts they'd show up at all. "They're they are!!" Clownner exclaimed. Oh shit!
Chapter 7 - The Clown Heist
Dean put his burglar mask on. "Shhh, wait wait, hold on!" I demanded. We watched as the five clowns tried to open the glass doors to the bank. They were starting to get frustrated. I began laughing my ass off. "Don't those morons know that the bank is closed on Sundays?" Dean wondered. "Haha, guess not!" I laughed. Then, I stuck my body out the car window, and threw the baseball at the glass doors. One of them shattered. The security alarm went off. "Duck!" I cried. All three of us ducked. The clowns looked at the car, then they ran into the bank. "The fuck did you do?" Dean asked, looking at me. "Go go go!" I demanded. All three of us bolted out the car and headed for the bank.
We rushed in the bank, stepping over the shattered glass. "This is a robbery, now get down on the floor!" I yelled. The clownholes looked back at us, shocked. "You faggots?" the yellow clown questioned. "FUCK YOU!" I yelled, as I kicked him the balls. The yellow clown fell to the floor, and his clownhole minions attacked us. Dean broke on of their arms, and Clownner hit them in the head with one of those torch things. I even shot two of the others in the foot with my pistol. After we knocked all of them out in under a minute, Dean said "SHIT, WHERE'S THE MONEY AT?" "Uhhhhhhhh.... THE BASEMENT!" I declared. We all headed for the basement.
We nearly tripped down the stairs, that's how fast we were going. We made it to the basement door. However, it was locked! "On the count of 3... 1, 2, 3!!" Dean said, as all three of us rammed into the door. In the room was one huge metal vault. "The money." Dean simply said. We rushed over to the vault, and got the torches out. We began to cut through the steel with the fiery blaze coming from the torches. "Come on, come on!" Dean hurries us. After what felt like an hour (which was actually like 20 seconds), a large chunk of the vault door fell the floor, revealing an endless supply of 100 dollar bills.
We quickly scooped large portions of the cash, and tossed them in the bag until it was full. "GO GO GO!!" Clownner yelled as we got done filling the bag. We ran up the steps. As we reached the last few steps, the yellow clown appeared in front of us, blocking the way. He pointed a pistol at all three of us. "Give me the damn money." he demanded in a threatening tone. Me and Clownner looked at each other, our hearts racing and not knowing what to do. "No." said Dean, angrily. The yellow clown looked really pissed. He cocked the gun back. I shat bricks.
"Go." Dean whispered. Me and Clownner looked at him real fast, as if to say "Huh?". "GO!" he screamed. That's when me and Clownner charged past the yellow clown. But before we could, the yellow clown fired the gun, shooting Dean in the shoulder. Dean went tumbling down the stairs. When this happened, we already passed the yellow clown. "NOOOO!" I screamed. The yellow clown then turned to us, ready to shoot us both dead. That's when Clownner dropped the bag of cash, and we put both of our hands up. We then closed our eyes, expecting the worse.
POW!
There it was. The thing I feared the most. The gun shot. My ears were ringing. It felt like my whole world was fading away. However, I was still standing, and felt no pain. So I opened my eyes, and saw the yellow clown laying dead on the floor. Clownner picked up the bag, and we ran towards the body. He got shot in the head. We looked down the stairs, and saw Dean laying on the floor in bad pain, holding his gun. "Go without me." he said. "No. We can't!" I cried. "Yes. Just go. Just let me lay here to die. It's better than being in prison for the rest of my life." Dean said. I knew he wouldn't let us help him. So me and Clownner saluted him, and said thanks. Dean nodded, then laid his head on the floor to die in peace.
Chapter 8 - The Clown Dealer
We made a mad dash for the car, stepping over the knocked-out clown goons on the floor. We exited the bank, and made it across the street in less than a second. It was the fastest we ever ran. We hopped in the car, and drove up. I'm surprised the cops didn't show up fast enough. But then again, it's a somewhat small town. Anyway, we blazed down the roads like no tomorrow. After an hour of driving (yes, there was no police chase, thankfully), we pulled over to the side of the road, as we were running out of gas. It was getting dark out, and we were in the middle of no where too. We got out of the car, and decided to make a run for the woods. We dashed across this tall field, and bumped into some police officers.
Just kidding, it was some black guy doing a drug deal with some white junkie. "Whoa whoa!" the drug dealer said. He pulled out a knife on his. "Whatchu clown fuckkas want, huh?!" he exclaimed. That's when Clownner and I pulled out our guns. The drug dealer dropped the knife, and raised his hands up. "Man, are we lucky we found you... Do you think you could help a couple of clowns out?" I asked. "W-what? What do you want? I ain't got no money!" the drug dealer explained. I laughed. "No. We don't want your money. We want you to drive us somewhere." I said. The white junkie just stood there with his hands slightly raised up. It was clear that he was stoned out of his mind.
"W-where?" the drug dealer asked. "I dunno. What's your place like?" I asked. "You two clowns stayin' with me? Oh hellll naw!" the drug dealer said. That's when Clownner threw a wad of 100 dollar bills at him. His jaw dropped. "Listen, uh, we gonna have to do this another time." The drug dealer said to the junkie. "Whatever." he replied stoned. The drug dealer then turned to us, and said, "The name's Tyrone." "Nice to meet you, Tyrone. We're looking forward to living with you!" I said. "Heheh, me too." he said, as we walked to his car. We hopped in. "So... why you two clowns in for?" Tyrone asked. "I-it's a long story." Clownner said. We then drove off to his place.
We pulled up to his house. Er, I mean, mobile home. We walked in, and it was really small and messy -- smelled like cigarettes. "I can't believe I got all this cash!" said Tyrone. That's when Clownner poured the bag of 100 dollar wads on a wooded table. Tyrone fell to the floor from shock. "Life is good." said Clownner. "Yeah. I can't wait to put this clown stuff behind us." I said. "Indeed. It was sure one hell of a ride." said Clownner. Tyrone was diving in the cash, and cried tears of joy. He ran over to us, and gave us hugs. "I think I wanna be a clown too." said Tyrone. All three of us laughed, then Tyrone went back to playing in the money.
Me and Clownner then looked at the TV then looked to the TV. It was on the local new channel. "BREAKING NEWS! Five clowns arrested for robbing a bank. A dead body was found near the basement, and there is money missing." Said the news reporter on the TV. Me and Clownner smirked, and gave each other high fives.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
There were some knocks at the door. Tyrone stopped playing in the cash, and answered the door. "Tyrone Blake, you're under arrest for dealing drugs!" said a cop, pointing a gun at him. Me and Clownner quickly grabbed as much of the cash we could, then bolted to the back of the mobile home. We dived out of an open window, and ran for our lives.
Looks like this clown ride will never end.
Category:Clowns
Category:Profanity
Category:Vehicles
Category:Law Enforcement
Category:Violence
Category:Robbery
Category:Theft
Category:Deaths