The Yearly Rivaini Brothel Review Vol 457

== The Open Clam ==
Located in the heart of Llomeryn, The Open Clam once again becomes the best brothel winner 10 years in a row! As per usual, this brothel doesn’t only offer a wide variety of carnal partnership, but also at an affordable price! The homely feeling of the brothel and smell of fresh bread gives you a feeling that no other brothel can produce. If you want excellent food and drink and a clean room in which to do your business, this brothel is for you. Since the new ownership the brothel has risen from its poor reputation to be the most respected establishment in Rivain if not all of Thedas. 
Tip: Fridays are theme nights, you do not want to miss them. 
10 🥜 / 10 🥜
== The Itchy Ditch ==
Located in the village of Innsmouth, we move from the top ranked brothel to the opposite side of the spectrum. Only go here if you absolutely must nut. No not even then, just use your fucking hand. DO NOT GO HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT AN STD. EVEN IF YOU WANT AN STD THERE ARE BETTER PLACES TO GO.
Everything smells, I’m pretty sure someone was killed here. Everyone is depressed and you can hear screams at night. The prostitutes all wore masks (so Good for you if you’re into that I guess) but the pieces of skin that does show look like corpses, and not even nicely cleaned and buried corpses, like diseased, infected corpses. 
Tip: STAY THE FUCK AWAY
-10 🥜/10🥜
== The Meat Scepter ==
In the middle of Dairsmuid you’ll find the Meat Scepter. A palace-like brothel with anything you desire, and by anything I don’t mean oh it’s got a lot. No, I mean anything. Any fetish, anything you’re into, nothing is too outlandish, they’ve got it. “But Mr Reviewer” I hear you say “If the brothel is soo good, why doesn’t it get first spot.” Well let me tell you. First of all it costs an absolute fortune, just a handy will draw you back around 50 gold (granted it will probably the best handy of your life) but still!
After you decide your partner for the night, you’ll get a room to yourselves, and let me tell you, the bed look like something that Empress Celene would have. I’m pretty sure the sheets were made from golden thread!
Other than the price, the thing that draws The Meat Scepter back from being perfect, is that it’s all an act. You might not notice at first, especially if you’re not as experienced as yours truly, but after many years in this business I can tell when someones just acting like they’re enjoying themselves, granted they’re good actors at the Meat Scepter, but still just that, actors. 
You might be treated like a king or queen for a day, but afterwards you still feel as low as you were before (and broker too).
Tip: Bring an active imagination to get your moneys worth.
8 🥜/10🥜 
== The Krevak Toch ==
Yea so the qunari aren't the most imaginative bunch when it comes to naming stuff. Couldn't understand it's real name but I asked and they said it pretty much translated to "The Sex House." It's located up in Kont-Arr. You won't get in unless you're a qunari or have some special business there. Luckily I did have some special business there, namely reviewing their brothels! So I was lead to this really dark room with a naked qunari woman, and she just orders me to strip! She looked like she could kill me with her little finger so I did what she said. But then she just lay there, locking eyes with me the entire time, no expression on her face, she was completely silent too, it was like fucking a tranquil! Afterwards she just stood up, went to the bathroom and washed up and I left. She didn't even say a word.
3 🥜/10🥜