Episode 407: Dudley Moore/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 407: Dudley Moore.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Oh, Dudley. Dudley Moore. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Moore.
Dudley 	Thanks, Scooter. Say, I'm having a bit of trouble getting this piano in tune. Can you give me an A?
Scooter	Sure, easy.
 	He fires a pistol in the air. A giant letter A falls from the ceiling; Dudley catches it. He then takes to the camera.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Dudley Moore! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	
Waldorf	Watch what you say tonight. (Some bugs pop up in their balcony) I think the place is bugged.
 	They chuckle.
 	
 	Gonzo turns into a bug before he can play his trumpet.
Gonzo 	Surprise!
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And a terrific show it is, because our special guest is one of England's brightest stars of music and comedy, Mr. Dudley Moore! But first, to get things started, we have invited a talented group of young unknowns. So let's give 'em a big hand and make 'em feel real welcome, ladies and gentlemen, YAAAAAY!
 	
 	A Bug Band sings "She Loves You."
Waldorf	You know, seeing a number like that always makes me nostalgic.
Statler	Yeah? Nostalgic for what?
Waldorf	DDT!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The bugs pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, great sound, guys. That might just catch on.
Bug (JN)	Oh, thanks, gov.
Kermit 	Uh, but you know, you fellas should find a name for your group.
Bug (DG)	We were thinking of something like "The Grateful Dead".
 	
Kermit 	The who?
Bug (SW)	Nah, it's been done. (they buzz away) It's been done too.
Kermit 	Hey, it's Dudley Moore!
 	Applause.
Dudley 	Hi, Kermit. Uh, you ready for my number yet?
Kermit 	Uh, well, not yet. Uh, but matter of fact, the band was wondering how they're going to play your accompaniment without any arrangements.
Dudley 	Band? Arrangements?
Kermit 	Uh huh. Sure.
Dudley 	Uh, I don't need any arrangements.
Kermit 	Really? How come?
Dudley 	I've got M.A.M.M.A.
 	A machine wheels itself in and plays a robotic fanfare.
 	
Kermit 	Huh. Looks like a fugitive from Star Wars. Its name is M.A.M.M.A., huh?
Dudley 	Yeah. Uh, Music And Mood Management Apparatus. M.A.M.M.A.
Kermit 	Oh. It plays anything you want?
Dudley 	Exactly.
Kermit 	Gee, is it any good?
Dudley 	Is it any good?!
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Dudley 	This is the ultimate achievement. This is man's synthesis of science and art! This is the Sistine Chapel of innovation!
Kermit 	It's good, huh?
Dudley 	(shrugs) It's not bad.
 	He presses some buttons, and M.A.M.M.A. plays a robotic version of the Muppet Show Theme. Kermit dances. Dudley demonstrates the machine to Kermit as the music changes.
Dudley 	By fiddling with these thingamajigs here, I can get, uh, classical, or … jazz.
Kermit 	Ah.
Dudley 	Or… disco.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays robotic disco music.
Kermit 	Gee! Hey, could we use it for our next number?
Dudley 	Sure. What is it?
Kermit 	It's called "At the Dance".
Dudley 	My pleasure.
 	Disco dancers make their way to the stage.
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, everybody on stage for "At the Disco Dance"!
Fozzie 	Oh, Kermit, I am gonna be so FUN-NEE!
 	Kermit looks confused.
==At the Dance==
 	Fozzie gets down in the ballroom with the other disco dancers.
Fozzie 	Oh yeah! Hey, hey everybody, hey, listen — hey! What is green, waves its arms, and is found in Chinese restaurants, huh?
Dancer (KM)	I dunno. What is green, waves its arms, and is found in Chinese restaurants?
Fozzie 	Kermit the Eggroll! Aahhh!
 	The dancers react unfavorably to the joke.
Fozzie 	Yeah! Yeah! I knew you'd love it!
 	He moves and grooves to the center.
Fozzie 	Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, look! It's a dancing cow. This must be a dis-COW-theque! Aahhhh!
 	The dancers react unfavorably to the joke.
Fozzie 	Yes, yes, yes, more, yes! Yes! Hey, hey, hey, hey — why did the duck cross the road?
Dancer (JN)	(loudly) I don't know! Why did the duck cross the road?
Fozzie 	(sigh) Because he was tied to the chicken! Aaaahhh!
 	
Dancer (JN)	Boooo!
Fozzie 	Thank you, thank you! Yes — oh, look! Look! It's a dancing shark! This must be a FISH-cotheque! Aahhhh!
 	The dancers boo him.
Fozzie 	Yes, more! I know you want more! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Okay! Last one. Listen.
Dancer (DG)	Yeah, yeah, what?
Fozzie 	Hey guys? Ahem. What do you call a light brown billiard stick? Huh?
 	Pause.
Dancer (DG)	A … tan cue?
Fozzie 	You're welcome! (high fives him)
 	The dancers and the shark bombard him.
Fozzie 	Get away from me please! I loved it! I'm glad you did!
 	The curtain closes.
=="Mama Don't Allow"==
Kermit 	Okay, well, uh, so much for disco dancing. Ahem. Uh, and now for all you fans of the roaring twenties, we have one of the top hits of 1929, written by Charles "Cow-Cow" Davenport, called "Mama Don't 'Llow."
Cow 	Oh, good. Cow-Cow's songs are so mooooo-ving.
Kermit 	Uh … yeah. Uh, okay, and it's played for you with his Music and Mood Management Apparatus, the fabulously talented Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens on Dudley and the Electric Mayhem, with M.A.M.M.A. in the front.
Dudley 	Okay, guys, take five.
 	The Mayhem starts playing Dave Brubeck's "Take Five". Dudley stops them.
Dudley 	Hold it! Hold it!
Floyd 	What's wrong?
Dudley 	No, I meant, uh, lay out. I won't be needing you.
Animal 	Wha?
Dr. Teeth	How come?
Dudley 	I'll be doing this with M.A.M.M.A.
 	He turns on M.A.M.M.A. and plays the piano.
 	
Dudley 	M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
Floyd 	What?
Dudley 	
M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
It don't matter if you're flat or sharp,
You're gonna wake up a-playing a harp,
 'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
Take it, M.A.M.M.A.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays a digital wah-wah solo. The Mayhem examines the machine.
Dr. Teeth	Would you believe this? It's a musical garbage can.
Floyd 	Playing musical garbage! (laughs)
Dr. Teeth	Yeah. It ain't got that swing when it's played by a thing.
 	
Floyd 	Still, you will note, that it is being played, and nobody bein' paid!
Dr. Teeth	(nods) Hmm, true. True.
Floyd 	Jive.
 	The Mayhem all walk away.
Dudley 	
M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin' man in here.
M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin' man in here.
 	Animal passes by.
Dudley 	
M.A.M.M.A. said she gonna light a boom
If she hear drumming in this room.
 'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin', in here.
 	Animal walks up to M.A.M.M.A. as it plays a digital drum solo. He starts gnawing on the machine, finds it impenetrable, and walks away. Dudley plays a jazzy piano solo and concludes the song. Applause.
==Backstage==
 	The Mayhem approaches Kermit. Rowlf joins them.
Floyd 	We gotta talk to him.
Others	(Yeah.)
Floyd 	Hey, cricket-breath.
Animal	(growls)
Kermit	Oh, uh, hi, guys.
Floyd 	Yeah, what's this electric no-man's band you're using?
Others	(Yeah!)
Kermit	Oh — that's just an experiment, that's all, Floyd.
 	
Floyd 	Listen, turtle-bait! Just because it can play for Dudley Moore don't mean it can play the rest of the show!
 	M.A.M.M.A. is wheeled in.
Others	(Right. Right.)
Kermit	The rest of the show … why, Floyd, that's a wonderful idea!
Floyd 	What??
Kermit	I'll just plug in the, uh … the background music button here.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays a dramatic sting. Rowlf walks away.
Floyd 	Rowlf, hey, Rowlf, where you goin'? Wait a minute, man! Hey, we gotta present a solid front on this.
Rowlf 	Uh, you do the solid front bit. I'm gonna call this monkey I know who's looking for an organ grinder.
 	Dr. Teeth and Animal gang up on Kermit.
Kermit	(stammering) Uh, well, uh, uh, uh … (into the intercom) everybody on stage for Pigs in Space.
Floyd 	Oh, it's a sad day for musicians.
Rowlf 	Yeah. I can almost hear Beethoven turning over in his grave.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays the first notes of Beethoven's 5th symphony.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	Open on Link and Piggy fiddling with the controls. M.A.M.M.A. appears in the window.
Announcer 	When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was being followed by a mysterious object.
Link Hogthrob 	It looks like one of those things that scientists send up from earth. What do you call them?
Miss Piggy 	Satellite.
Link Hogthrob 	Of course it's a light. Looks like a lot of lights, but what do you call it?
 	
Miss Piggy 	Mon capitan is off to a great start. Hmm.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(over the loudspeaker) Link, I've just found out what that object is.
Link Hogthrob 	What is it, Dr. Strangepork?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I'll tell you when I make my entrance.
Link Hogthrob 	Huh?
 	The doors open. Dr. Strangepork makes a grand entrance to a fanfare played by M.A.M.M.A..
Dr. Julius Strangepork	That machine was sent up here to underscore this sketch.
Link Hogthrob 	Huh?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Ja! That music was for my entrance. (laughs)
Link Hogthrob 	Pretty big fanfare for a mere passenger-hyphen-scientist. Imagine what it would be for a captain. Think I'll try it, hmm? (the doors open) Here I go.
 	He exits, then comes back in.
Link Hogthrob 	Your captain is here!
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Link Hogthrob 	What the hey?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(giggles)
Miss Piggy 	Look, look, Strangepork — you mean, we're stuck with that all through the sketch?
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays a dramatic sting.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I'm afraid so.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Miss Piggy 	Isn't there anything we can do?
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Nothing.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Link Hogthrob 	Get ready … this is a catastrophe!
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Link Hogthrob 	How come it always plays dumb music when I talk?
Miss Piggy 	I can't take anymore of this. I'm walking.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	You can't!
Miss Piggy 	Ha! Watch me.
 	As she walks, M.A.M.M.A. plays a slow jazzy score. Link and Strangepork start catcalling her.
Link Hogthrob 	Woo woo! Hubba hubba!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(whistles) Woo woo!
Miss Piggy 	What do you think you're doing?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Just what you told us to.
Link Hogthrob 	Yeah, you said "Watch me".
 	They laugh. M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Miss Piggy 	Yeah? Yeah? Well, watch this! Hi-YAH!
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays comical chase music as she chases them around the ship.
Announcer 	Tune in next week, when serious charges are brought against this week's PIGS… IN… SPACE!
==UK spot==
 	Piggy hears a knock on her dressing room door.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Entrez-toi!
Kermit 	Uh, did you want to see me, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yes, Kermie, come in!
 	Romantic music swells up.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Kermie …
Kermit 	Yes, Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	I have something very important to tell vous.
Kermit 	Uh … yes, Piggy?
Miss Piggy 	There is something … you could do that would make … moi … very very happy.
Kermit 	Well — well, tell me what it is.
Miss Piggy 	You know what it is.
Kermit 	I … ahem… I do?
Miss Piggy 	Of course you do! You must! Oh!
Kermit 	Piggy, are you trying to say —
Miss Piggy 	YES!! Kermit … my dressing room sink is stopped up again.
 	The music stops.
Kermit 	(frowns) I'll send Scooter up with a plunger.
Miss Piggy 	Good. (he starts walking) No, wait! — Kermie, Kermie, don't … not this door!
Kermit 	What?
 	
Miss Piggy 	Don't go out this door!
Kermit 	Why not?
 	Dramatic music swells up.
Miss Piggy 	Because, Kermie, I have this feeling there is something … terrible outside, waiting. Oh.
Kermit 	But Piggy — don't be silly. There's nothing outside that door to worry about.
Miss Piggy 	Yes there is! There's something out there! There's something … EVIL! And monstrous! I can feel it, lurking and waiting to pounce! Oh! Oh!
Kermit 	Piggy! That's just the door to the corridor!
Miss Piggy 	No!
Kermit 	Now get out of my way, Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	No! No! I won't! I won't let you!
Kermit 	Piggy! Get back from the door! Piggy! Listen! Piggy! You're going to stand back right now! (he pushes her out of the way)
Miss Piggy 	No! No! No! No!
 	The music grows more intense.
Kermit 	You see, Piggy … there's nothing out here!
Miss Piggy 	Don't! Don't!
Kermit 	There's nothing out here at all!
Miss Piggy 	Don't — (screams)
 	He opens the door and finds … M.A.M.M.A.
Kermit 	That's Dudley's music machine.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays a fanfare.
Miss Piggy 	It's that stupid music machine! What are you doing in my dressing room? (shouts in its ear) I said, what are you doing in my dressing room? What are you — I am getting out of here.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays Piggy's jazzy walking theme. Link and Strangepork watch her walk and catcall again.
Link Hogthrob	Woo woo! Oh boy! Hubba hubba!
 	Piggy screams and storms off.
Link Hogthrob	Hey chicky baby! Soo-ee, soo-ee!
==Dressing room==
 	
 	In his dressing room, Dudley sings "Strictly for the Birds" while he plays his piano. Someone knocks on the door.
Dudley	Come in.
Floyd 	Hey, Dudley.
Dudley	Hey, Floyd.
Floyd 	Yeah, is it okay if me and my friend come in? (Animal enters with him)
Dudley	Y-yeah. Sure.
Floyd 	Oh, good.
Animal	(pants)
Dudley	If this is your friend, I'd hate to meet your enemies.
Animal	(pants)
Floyd 	Yeah, well, listen. As members of the band …
Animal	Band. (pants)
Floyd 	… yeah, we've come here to have it out with you about this music machine that you've got.
Animal	(growls)
Dudley	Yeah. Right. Uh, I, I, I know we have differing opinions on the subject, so it's probably best to talk about it.
Floyd 	Yeah, I'm glad you feel that way.
Dudley	Yeah, well, uh … why don't we openly and freely, uh, express our feelings on the subject?
Floyd 	Good!
Animal	Yeah yeah.
Floyd 	I feel that that cheap jive jukebox is gonna put an end to the gig for the band, man! I mean, we haven't worked all night, and it's your fault!
Animal	Your fault, Dudley. … Dudley.
Dudley	Well …
Floyd 	Yeah, comes payback a time old man frog gonna wonder why he's payin' legal tender on us!
Animal	On us. Dudley.
Dudley	Well … well-stated. Um … I think it's a very … succinct and valid … uh … uh, expression of your opinion. I… on the other hand, feel that uh, technological advances should not be … viewed, uh, as an enemy.
 	Animal walks up to him, breathing in his face.
 	
Dudley	I mean, after all … great triumphs of … science … um … uh, are also, uh, true advances of the human spirit. And I don't feel that we … we should … (reacts to Animal's breath) … let, uh, let temporary or personal considerations stand in, in the way. How — how do you feel about that, Animal?
Animal	KILL!! KILL! KILL! (starts attacking Dudley)
Dudley	All right! All right! Anything you like! Anything you say! Please! Anything! Anything!
Floyd 	Hey! Sit!
Animal	Sit!
Floyd 	Heel!
Animal	Heel! (stops)
Dudley	Well, I … I didn't realize he was president of your debating society.
 	Animal resumes attacking him.
==The Great Gonzo's act / Backstage==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay, now I have a real treat for all you fear and culture lovers. Ahem. Uh, it's time once again for Gonzo the Great. Uh, Gonzo apparently has a real crazy act tonight. He won't even tell me what it is, but I do have this message: we have to ask for complete and total silence from everyone.
 	Fozzie shushes M.A.M.M.A., which plays a drumroll.
Kermit	And now, Gonzo the Great.
 	The curtain opens on Gonzo, next to a megaton bomb.
Gonzo 	Thank you, thank you. I must have complete silence for this act, please. Ahem. Thank you. I shall now recite from the works of Percy Bysshe Shelley while — and at the same time — diffusing this high explosive bomb. (sigh)
 	He gets started diffusing.
Gonzo 	
Hail to thee, blithe spirit.
Bird th—
 	He hears ticking.
Gonzo 	
Bird thou never wert.
 	M.A.M.M.A. approaches behind him.
 	
Gonzo 	
That from heaven or near it 
Pourest thy full heart	 
In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.
 	M.A.M.M.A. plays a loud dramatic sting, throwing him off. The bomb explodes, sending Gonzo flying backstage. He gets up.
Gonzo 	What a finish!
 	He laughs and runs away. M.A.M.M.A. rolls backstage, burned to a crisp and smoking.
 	
Floyd 	Ah ha, look at this! (laughs)
Animal	(laughs)
Kermit	Uh, hey guys? Uh, uh, guys? Uh, listen, would you all do me a big favor and uh … and finish the show?
Floyd 	Oh! Why? Is anything wrong, little swamp brother?
 	The Mayhem members laugh.
Kermit	Uh, uh, yeah, well, uh, see, Dudley's music machine seems to be on the uh, ahem, sick list, and uh, …
Floyd 	"Seems to be …" (laughs)
Kermit	Well … maybe it'll still work.
 	He turns it on, and it plays …
Kermit	Japanese kabuki music? Uh, listen, guys, if you all will finish up the show, I promise I will never even think of using another band.
Floyd 	Uh, let us deliberate.
 	The Mayhem huddle up and mumble.
Animal	No. No. No, no, no.
Kermit	Pretty please with cream and sugar on top?
Floyd 	Okay. You got it.
Animal	Okay!
Kermit	Oh, good, good. Thank you so much! (runs onstage)
Floyd 	Ha ha! Let's show him what a band sounds like!
Animal	Okay! Okay!
 	He stops, looks at M.A.M.M.A., and gives it a swift kick, knocking off the top unit.
Animal	Okay! Okay!
=="How High the Moon"==
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, appearing next is our own wonderful Muppet band … with Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
 	Dudley and the Electric Mayhem perform "How High the Moon", wearing hardhats as the theater falls apart around them. Some rats dance nearby. Animal's wild drumming loosens more rubble.
 	
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, ladies and gentlemen, it has been a splendid evening, marred only by the fact that we blew up half the theater. But before we go, let us have one last round of applause for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
 	Applause.
Dudley 	Thank you very much, Kermit. It's been a real pleasure playing the remains of the Muppet Theater.
Kermit 	Uh — yeah, and I'm sorry to say that we broke your machine.
Dudley 	Oh … no trouble. I'm happy to say I fixed it again.
Kermit 	Oh. (frowns) Uh, I'm sorry to say I liked it better when it was broken.
 	The newly fixed M.A.M.M.A. wheels out.
 	
Dudley 	Oh. Uh, I'll just program it for the, uh, closing theme. (presses some buttons)
Kermit 	Uh, well, there's nothing left for me to say but, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around M.A.M.M.A. as it plays a medley of previously heard music, including the theme. The credits roll.
Statler 	So they blew up half the theater.
Waldorf 	At least they blew up the right half.
Statler & Waldorf	Theirs! (they chuckle)
 	Animal slams into M.A.M.M.A. and faints as it plays the final note.
 	
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts