Stories by the Fire

==Scary Stories on Hallowe’en’s Eve==
Three Rogues were seated around a camp fire in a forest clearing, warming their hands from the night’s cold even though if they’d understood their suits slightly better, they’d have known that they had settings that provided thermal insulation and internal heating.
“I’ve got to say, though, volunteering to investigate this forest right before Hallowe’en was the best idea we’ve had in months. Just imagine all the other Rogues that will be waking up in just a few hours to get ready for the Candy Harvest and we’re here just chilling”, Joe was satisfied.
“I wonder if it’s bad that we’re not really investigating the woods though”, Phil was worried.
“Come on, it’s not like there’s going to actually be anything hiding here. The mission was so low-priority it hadn’t even been assigned to anyone for two weeks. Besides, Ned went out looking for water. That counts as investigating in my book”, Roger reassured him.
“Yeah man, it’s heaven. We get to go camping and do nothing and just relax. We’ve got our camp fire and our marshmallows and we don’t need to get back until the Candy Harvest is over. It’s perfect!” Joe shared his enthusiasm.
“I suppose”.
“...”, silence followed for a moment or two.
“It’s pretty cold, though”, Roger finally said.
“And we’re out of marshmallows”, Joe pointed out, as he stuck the final marshmallow to his wooden stick.
“I’m getting thirsty after all the marshmallows”, Phil lamented as he looked over his shoulder for the umpteenth time to see if Ned was coming back. He wasn’t.
“Man, this sucks!” Joe declared.
“It’s still four more hours till dawn”, Roger checked the watch of his HUD. “It wouldn’t be so bad, if we could just sleep”.
“As we said, we can’t do that. Leaving the camp fire unattended would be far too hazardous”, Phil reminded him.
“And if only one of us stands watch, they may fall asleep, so it’s got to be all of us”, Joe added.
“I know… It’s just wishful thinking. I wish time would fly faster”.
“Oh hey, I know what we can do to pass time!” Joe suddenly exclaimed.
“Is it pumpkin seeds? Because we’re out of those, too”, Phil interjected.
“No, not pumpkin seeds. We can tell scary stories!”
“Scary stories?” Phil didn’t sound that thrilled.
“Oh, that seems like fun! You know any good ones, Joe?”
“Yeah, I got one. It’s about The Three Monsters of Thunderclap...”
===The Three Monsters of Thunderclap===
There’s a legend in Thunderclap shared from Rogue to Rogue; it says three monsters are living in Thunderclap, in its dungeons deep. Warnings the elders give never in the dark corners to wander, else death by monster you might meet.
The first one, the oldest, they say is a giant badger zombie. Chained in its dark cell, thedude’s commands it heeds only. Released in secret, every blue moon, to hunt down and find any enemies of thedude. You cannot defeat it, for in this land the title of the strongest it claims; so if it’s after you, running is the only way. Once a free badger, our king the monster cursed; the story warns: lest to a zombie you also are turned.
The second, most savage, is rumoured to be a half-man, half-lizard, half-machine kind of beast.
That’s one half too many.
Hey, get out of my story, Phil! Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the man-lizard-machine beast of doom.
Once aimed thedude’s armies in war to lead, the poor lizard in its training went mad. Now everything in sight it has to kill with fire, a ruthless murderer with a kill count bigger than all of us three. Deep in the mountain now it’s hidden, where its deranged voice no one can reach. But when the king’s angry, his minions have failed; he throws them to the pit, the monster to feed.
The third and final one, thedude’s trusted assassin, a man with no head, wearing a carved pumpkin and carrying a sword. A cold light emits through its hollow eyes, but if you ever gaze upon its glow, know this, you soon will be dead. For the Jack-o’-Lantern don’t breath or sleep, it don’t drink or eat. It never rests, always chases, you’ll never shake it off. Wherever you go, it’ll find you, through land, through sea, through forest and bog. One day you’ll find you’ve been stabbed by its sword.
So, if there’s any message to be learnt from this story, never anger thedude, never fail his will. Don’t rebel against him or your orders neglect. Or even you might find you are hunted by zombie or lizard or a pumpkin-head!
As Joe finished his story and with satisfaction noticed his comrades’ eyes were wide open and Phil was even looking around him for any signs of the Jack-o’-lantern or the zombie badger, should they be after them because they weren’t doing their duty. Joe, thinking he could capitalise on that state of mind, upon concluding his narration jumped up, flailing his arms around and shouting “BOO!” Both his friends jumped up in fear and Phil even screamed. Joe proceeded to laugh at their reactions.
“Very funny”, Roger said sarcastically as soon as he regained his composure. “Did you just make all that up to scare us because we’re not taking part in the Candy Harvest?”
“No, actually the story’s very true. Rather, the rumours really exist. Don’t know if they’re right though”.
“Spooky. So, you’ve got anything to pay Joe back, Phil?”
“Hmm… Scary stories, ha? Weeell… Y- yeah, I do have one, here’s how it goes: The Most Apparing Spooky Story”.
===The Most Apparing Spooky Story===
It was a night of All Hallow’s Eve Eve –or was it the early morning of All Hallow’s Eve– when three Rogues were seated by the fire in the middle of a forest. Their fourth comrade was conveniently not there, out in the woods gathering more firewood. The fire was just about to go out and leave only embers behind, so the night was getting cold.
That sounds familiar.
Shut up, Roger!
“It’s getting cold”, one of the Rogues, who were definitely not us, noted.
“Well no duh”.
“Ned”, let’s call the fourth comrade by a random name, how about Ned? “will be back with the firewood shortly and we can have a strong fire again” .
“Tell that to my freezing toes”.
“Maybe we should go find Ned and help him. We ain’t gaining anything out of freezing to death here”.
“I guess maybe we shouldn’t have sent Ned alone when we’re all cold”.
“Gah! But finding Ned is work and gathering firewood is more work. I hate work”.
“Me too, man, but what we gonna do?”
“Aaaagh! I hate you”
“Freeze to death, if you like”.
And so the three daring Rogues finally got off their butts and did something. Leaving behind the clearing they were in, they walked into uncharted territory, where there were no paths among the trees, looking for their missing friend. However, it was not long before an unforeseen encounter interrupted them.
Out of the darkness, an enormous beast suddenly rose and towered over them. If the Rogues were found and questioned about it later, they’d probably not be able to agree on what exactly it looked like. One would say it had three lion heads and a whale’s tail. One would point out how it had eyes all over and a gaping jaw-less mouth full of teeth, while the third would think it had blue-dotted bat-like wings, even though that’s really stupid Joe. What all three of them could agree on, though, is the thirty-seven abnormally long tentacles that extended out of its main body, three of which instantly seized them, flexibly wrapping around them several times.
“Who goes there, disturbing my sleep?” the monster spoke with a deep rough voice, like that of the earth.
“Uuuuh, Joe, Roger and Phil”, random names of course.
“Blegh”, the eldritch horror said. “Simply humans. I’ll just eat you then”
“Aaaah, no, please don’t eat us. Please, spare us. We’d very much appreciate it if you let us live!”
“And why would I do that? You’re just some puny humans after all. I see no reason to pity my food”.
“Because we’re both intelligent and it’d kind of be immoral to kill us?”
The creature made a sound that could have possibly been interpreted as laughter, “You? Intelligent? Please! The humans do not at all compare to the true intelligence the Slapalahalapatus possess”.
“The Slapohippo-what?”
“Slapalahalapatus!” the aberration roared angrily. “See! It’s this kind of ignorance that sets barbarians such as you as just part of the food chain. Speech is no proof of intelligence or any common parrot would make the cut. Humans such as you cover the planets and think you’re the kings of the world even though you understand nothing of it, just because you’re everywhere, Microbes are also everywhere, but they are in control of nothing”.
“Hey, don’t blame us for not knowing! If the Slapahupalos are such a big deal, then shouldn’t we have heard more about them? We’ve heard stories and some of us even seen of bigger creatures before, but never of anything like you”.
The ancient beast, so confident in its earlier words, now paused awkwardly. “Aaah… yes… that… Well, I suppose I’m the only one left”.
“Haaaaa? Is that so?” the Rogues vindictively pursued the path laid out before them. “If the Slapepaporhaloohaooors are supposed to be so superior to us, how come they’re all but extinct now while the humans are thriving?”
“It’s because we are superior that it’s come to this. Long ago, long before this land was even inhabited by humans, when the Slapalahalapatus still thrived and ruled over it, we became so wise and advanced that we were able to read the words written in the essence of the universe by the creators of this world. And while we found perfect sense in all we could read and gained great knowledge from it, one fateful day, a strange word was found that no one could understand. Our greatest philosophers debated on it day and night, but we could still not find its meaning. The scandalous phenomenon spread like wildfire and quickly it was known across the whole world. Eventually everyone was drawn in the mystery and there was no Slapalahalapatus that wasn’t concerned by the burning question. A school of thought existed among us that suggested finding the meaning of that word would explain the meaning of life. We started losing sleep over it. We wouldn’t eat or drink. We wouldn’t talk or relate or mate. We wouldn’t work or make art or science. We could only think of the question of the quizzical word. One by one, we started all dying and in the end I was the only one left, drifting through eternity alone”.
“,,,”
“… Pfft, ahahahaha! They died because of a word! AHAHAHA!”
“You think this is funny?!” the Slapalahalapatus yelled. “How about you try and answer this universe’s most difficult question?”
“Well, maybe I can’t answer it, but I won’t die over it if I don’t! Pff fu hu”.
“Why don’t we amend that then? If you find the meaning of the word, I will spare you, I won’t eat you and let you go. I’m even feeling generous today and will give you three chances. However, if you cannot, you shall all meet a gruesome death”.
“So, you want us to find the meaning of that word?”
“Yes”.
“And if we fail, you’ll kill us”.
“Yes”.
“Well that sounds rad, what’s the word then?”
“The word is… appar”.
“Appar?”
“Appar”.
“Just appar?’
“Just appar”.
“Kinda underwhelming after everything”.
“It’s still the world’s most important word, despite what you think of it”.
“Okay, so we get three chances? That should take some thought”
“Does it mean monkey?”
“No, appar does not mean monkey. A hypothesis that it might was suggested by Rahapaparupato on the Forty-seven-thousand-thirty-second year After Appar, but it was definitively disproven six-hundred-twenty-eight years later”.
“Joe, don’t waste our chances like that. We should take careful consideration before we provide any hypotheses. Do you even know how many chances we have to get it right if we spout word randomly?”
“I dunno. Five?”
“That is wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin with”.
“Alright then, if you know so much better, why don’t you try with our second go?”
“Hmm… Let’s see. I took Zotaxian for a semester in Rogue Academy and if I recall correctly they had a word apperia that meant serenity. Could this possibly be connected to appar, that is appar meaning serenity?”
“That couldn’t be. Appar is a true word of the essence of the universe; it has nothing to do with the false languages used by physical beings You only have one chance left”.
“Oh Crux!”“Good going there Phil, you nailed this”.
“Oh cut me the slack, please. If we’re going to die soon, I don’t want your whining to be the last thing I hear”.
“Hmm. If we even found the right meaning, though, how would you know? You don’t know the right one either, so how can you judge?” the only Rogue who hadn’t ventured a guess so far spoke up.
“I have studied the matter thoroughly. In the impossible scenario that you get it right, then it would click and everything would make sense. I would know”.
“I see”, Roger then whispered to his comrades. “I’ve got this. Follow my lead”.
“So, you’ve studied this so well you’d know instantly if it was right. That’s pretty apparing”.
“What did you just say? Why did you say that word?”
“Oh, you didn’t realise? So, you still haven’t figured it out, even though we know already. How apparing”.
“What? No! But you don’t know. You can’t possibly have figured it out!”
“Dude, don’t appar me like that. You can’t just go in denial”.
“You’re lying, you’re just trying to fool me!”
“Wait… are you telling me you were apparing me earlier on when you said you’d know if I figured it out?’
“Personally, I’m pretty apparred”, Joe interjected, having realised what Roger was doing.
“Of course I can tell. Speak the meaning and I’ll judge”.
“He can’t even appar the meaning himself when he’s supposed to be such an apparing creature. I don’t know what to think”, Phil also caught on.
“Of course… of course I can… appar it. I know the meaning, too. It’s not possible you would have realised it before I did. I can use the word, too. It’s… it’s very apparing to find out what this word means. Oh my Appar. I just used the word in a sentence. More than once… This means… This means…”
“What does it mean?”
“I finally understand. Everything is clear now. I have discovered the meaning of appar. What has eluded me and my kind for so long, I now can grasp and I can say: it’s the most apparing meaning. I am so appared to finally find out. I got through the loneliness and madness long ago and came to peace with myself, but my only regret was that I couldn’t ever know what appar meant. And now that I know, I can finally rest in appar. I am grateful, three friends. For although you are humans, this apparment would not have been possible without you. You helped me see the appar and as such I will let you live. Farewell, three humans and may we appar again”.
With its final words said the Slapalahalapatus was covered in a bright white light that filled all of their vision. Then as suddenly as it had appeared, the light vanished, the Slapalahalapatus going with it, not without leaving its mark, though, of all the surrounding trees burning.
“Well, that actually worked… Neat”.
“Do you actually know what appar meant?”
“No idea”.
“Hey, we’ve got a camp fire now. Appar!”
“The end!” Phil finished with a satisfied look on his face.
“Dude, this isn’t a scary story! It’s called what we were doing two hours ago”, Joe objected.
“I don’t know, it was pretty scary when it happened”.
“Well yeah, but not now after it’s over. And definitely not as a story repeated so quickly after”.
“It’s pretty weird though. If there was something so dangerous in these woods, one would expect command would have picked up on it and sent someone investigate. It appars me really”, Roger contemplated.
“Well, never mind that. How about a scary story of yours? You do have one, right? After asking for our own?”
“Naturally, my dear friend Joe. And my story is called The Most Haunted House of the Century”.
===The Most Haunted House of the Century===
It was a night of Halloween Eve –or I guess you might call it early Halloween– when three Rogues were seated by the fire in the middle of a forest. Their fourth comrade was conveniently not there, out in the woods searching for water. They were out of food and water and as the night advanced, their thirst grew more and more.
I’m getting a feeling of deja vu.
Just listen to the story and you’ll see.
The three soldiers were getting desperate to drink something and they wondered if it was right to have sent their other comrade to find water alone, even though they’d just made him gather firewood only to make a new camp fire by themselves. But they all hated work, so worth it. Especially seeing as Ned came back then and for once wasn’t useless.
“Hey guys, you won’t believe what I found!” the Rogue spoke excitedly as he appeared from the trees.
“Is it water?”
“No, it’s even better!”
Oops, spoke too soon.
“If it’s not water, I’m not interested”, Joe looked angry.
“But guys, you must see this. There’s a house in the middle of the forest!”
“Is a house built in a forest so weird?” Phil asked.
“If it was built in it, no. But this one seems to have crashed a few trees under it, like it appeared on top of them out of nowhere”.
“That’s… apparing”.
“Apparing?”
“Sounds worth checking out. Since we’re here anyway, we probably should do as much as to report this”.
“Isn’t this anyone else’s job?” Joe complained.
“No actually this is exactly what we signed up for”.
“I don’t remember that”, Roger responded. “But a magical house sounds fun, let’s do this”.
Roger said that, however, not knowing about the old legend of the haunted wandering house. The story goes that there once was a scary strong wizard that one did not want to see cross. When he got mad, he would summon storms or put forests on fire, or worst of all turn you into a wooden squirrel. Living in his magical house that wandered the land on its own,he terrorised it for many years, but eventually even he was slain by a chivalrous hero. However, his house that leaped from place to place still waited for him to return, not knowing that he never would. Embodying the spirit of waiting, it attracted the ghosts of many dead housewives who in their life had to deal with their husbands always away from home. Their merging with the dark and mysterious magics cast into the house from the wizard itself, the haunted wandering house was born: always appearing in dark places across the land, presenting itself to the unassuming, it opens its doors and accepts the weary passersby into its deceptively warm interior. But when it tests its guests and finds them not to be the one it’s looking for, it always with no exception kills them and no one hears of them again. It’s said that most of all it likes to appear before sailors, travellers and adventurers to satisfy the vengeful spirits haunting it.
That very house is what the four Rogues came upon that night, led by Ned. As described, it lay on top of a couple of trees, crashed by its weight. Coloured black and grey, it was surrounded by an eerie green aura. The Rogues gazed at it in awe and fear, unsure how to proceed.
“So, what do we do now?”
“I guess we go in?”
“Do we have to?”
“We can’t just come all the way here and not check inside”.
“Fiiine”.
And so the four Rogues entered… And they never came out again. They were never seen again. And no one knows what happened to them.
“...”
“Is that it?”
“You want more?”
“No, it’s just it’s kind of stupid”.
“What, you didn’t like it?”
“Don’t get me wrong, it definitely had that spooky potential, but it lacked in execution. The ending especially needed more work”.
“Everyone’s a critic, these days. Let’s see if you still have that attitude if you meet the wandering house”.
“As if that kind of thing exists”.
“Hey guys, I’m back!”
In the thick of their conversation as they were, the three Rogues hadn’t noticed Ned approaching them. In their scary-story-affected mood, everyone jumped up from the surprise appearance.
“Crux, Ned, you scared the brick out of me! Don’t creep on us like that!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”.
“Well, never mind that, where’s the water?” Joe eyed his friend thirstily.
“I didn’t find any, but I’ve got the next best thing”.
“Waiiit… What is it?” Phil asked.
“It’s a house! Imagine that, a house in a forest!”“A house?” Phil’s voice rose a few octaves, but he wasn’t the only one who looked shocked.
“Show us”, Roger instructed.
“Wow, I didn’t expect you guys to be so interested. I thought you’d say mean things again”.
“Just take us there”, Joe’s voice was a little shaky.
As asked, Ned led them to his findings. And truly they found a house resting upon some fallen trees. It was made of wood and stone and its walls were crooked. There was a chimney on the roof, but no smoke came out of it, only the eerie mist that surrounded the entire building. The Rogues stared at in fear for a while, wondering if it really was what they thought it was. Then, the final drop came when all of a sudden, the house’s door opened all on its own. This was all the three friends needed and they all together started running away, screaming in fear lest the house eat them. For everybody knows that when encountered with the mysteries of the other side, being as loud as you can is sure to keep you safe.
The three Rogues ran all the way out of the forest and back to base, where they were later punished for bailing with double the work for the Hallowe’en Candy Harvest. Only Ned was left behind wondering what had scared his friends so much. He thought he should follow behind them, so they wouldn’t get separated, but as he started walking away, he only got a glimpse of it with the edge of his eye and never was able to confirm it: a blonde woman appeared out of the trees and moving swiftly entered the house, the door closing behind her. And Ned never saw her again. . .
==The Tale of Boo==
Gather round children, I've got a story for youFour soldiers once walking in the forest of BooIn there they were greeted by scary old treesUnder which no one would sit to K-I-S-S kissDeeper and deeper they ventured into the woodsAnd the nasty aura always worsened their moods
The moon rose at nightThe dark grew in might
In the woods lived a lone ghost named SteveHe laughed for the day was All Hallow's EveThe spirits had risen and doomed their fateFor the foolish soldiers had taken the baitReceiving a signal of colours black and redToo bad their comrade was already dead
As time went on, the four men started to chatScared they were not, of the occasional batTed said he wanted a coffee with creamThat's when they all heard an unearthly screamFrightened they panicked, they run their hearts a-beatingAs they realised their time on earth was fleeting
In midst of the frightThe clock struck midnight
And out of nowhere they were stopped by a sudden houseScared witless they entered like in the trap does the mouseAncient it looked, and in riches abundantEverything went wrong when Ted touched a pendantFrom all around there was a sound of creakingAnd doors everywhere went rampant, mad as the king
The soldiers were then trapped with locked all the doorsRight before the appearance of a spectral fiery horseIt charged against Ted, now he's down for the countStomped as he was by the nightmarish mountThen walked in a man by hand holding his headLooking at the horrified group that's what he said
"Welcome travellers, how do you do?Brave you are to enter in the forest named BooPlease join me and together let's dineI'm sure to your liking you'll find my wineBut know this, just like your friendBy morning, there's no escape, you all will be dead"
The three remaining run completely terrifiedThey hoped their fate they somehow defiedJohn saw a window and thought he found a wayWhen he jumped out he saw of hope a rayBut when he landed he faced the headless riderA quick swing and the blood spilled like cider
Off with his headNow John's all red
Bill and Robin the mansion also fledUsing a catapult made out of a bedWhen Bill saw little lights he quickly followedAnd the Will-O-Wisps gladly showed him the roadBut that decision's moment he would come to rueWhen the screen would declare: he was eaten by a grue
Robin the forest wandered for a whileThe dangers he avoided bearing a smileBut then appeared Steve and called "Do not be alarmedI come here in peace, I am not armedLet me help you for with you I've got no beef"Yet when Robin lowered his guard, Steve pushed him off a cliff
Down in void he fellAs dawn's rang the bell
Please don't cry children, it was well-deservedFor the soldiers were Rogues and thedude they all servedJust then in the first morning light doseThe spirits of All Hallow's Day roseWith a new addition among them: the soldiers felt blueAs the story ended with four more residents of the forest of Boo
==On Flight on All Hallow’s Day==
“Man, this is the worst”, the Rogue declared with a dramatic raise of his arms.
“I guess we deserve it at this point… We should have made sure not to get caught”, his friend replied with a sigh.
“Still, isn’t Captain being a little too cruel? He said we’d do double the work, but we’re basically doing everyone’s and the rest are chilling”, the third one complained also.
Three Paradox Rogues were walking down the road of a little village in the outskirts of Morcia. No matter its insignificance in the larger scheme of things, however, there was no exception to the law and thedude’s dues had to be collected in places small and big. As such, in a background of mixed festivities with people dressed in costumes of ghosts, skeletons and Barney, with fires being lit up here and there and effigies being built and carried around; in the chaos of all things, it was unclear if everyone was celebrating or protesting –rioting even; in this background, Joe, Phil and Roger were carrying their bags of harvest, filled with candy.
“Can’t we take a break?” Joe asked.
“You know we’ve got to finish this before the end of the day”, Phil reminded.
“It’s already past midnight anyway, the even should technically be over, let’s rest for a while”, Roger countered.
“Fine…”
The three of them stopped by the likeness of a child dressed in a ghost costume being burnt in the middle of the road, using its fire to warm themselves in the chilly night of nearing winter.
“It’s getting quieter at least, gradually”, Phil tried to find the silver lining.
“I would have expected the kids to go home a long time ago honestly. Are their parents okay with letting them go wild like that?” Joe wondered.
“You know it’s like this every year. Does our job so much harder”.
“By the way, where is Ned? Did he get lost again?” Roger remembered their other comrade.
“Last I saw him, I think he was being chased out by an old lady”.
“Where did he get to, that slacker?”
“That means more work for us… Worst Hallowe’en ever…” Joe complained once again.
“Technically, it’s All Hallow’s Day already”.
“Hmm, actually, I don’t think that’s the worst. My cousin Rowen told me a story of what happened to him last year and it sounds no fun at all”.
“Oh and what story was that?”
“Let’s see… Let me try and remember that”.
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 30th 9 Yt, 11:12, Log 1
Hello, this is Jack speaking. Official Record Keeper and the best one at that. Though it’s my first time doing it actually. Captain entrusted that to me when we started the journey. This is the sixth day by the way. Oh, you might be wondering why this is the first log, even though it’s the fourth day… I kinda forgot… But it’s all good. I’m nailing it from now on. I’ve been chosen for this job for my well-suited skill-set, not because the rest of the crew was too bored to do it, as some suggest.
Oh but at this point I suppose I should introduce the crew! We’ve got the Captain, and you don’t want to mess with her. Best captain you could get. Even though she got second place in the West Britay Best Rogue Captain competition, that thing was rigged. No one really likes Captain Barthooker. What’s that? I didn’t say her name, ah yes. Captain is Captain Elisabeth Viscooky. Don’t tell her her name sounds like cookie, though. I imagine she’d give you two days of mopping for that. Not that I would know for any reason in particular, of course.
Then, we’ve got Mr. Svee, the first mate. No one really knows his full name, so we just call him Mr. Svee. He’s really strong and scary. Everyone respects him, but I’m kinda afraid to talk to him.
We also have Kibo. He’s the navigator and pilot. Really knows how to fly straight. And what all these blinking lights and buttons do. So, he must be a genius. And uh, his last name, right? His last name is Ukhozi.
Then there’s me, Jack. General duties, Official Record Keeper and life of the party. Very talented, graduated Rogue school top of my class, likes country music and puppies. For the ladies, you can hit me up on the email jackknowsgreatnames@thundermail.milt.
There’s also Jill who’s new. We picked her up recently when we started this mission. Apparently, she’s going to help us with magic consultation or something. She’s a sorceress, but this new type that actually knows sorcery, too. Seems pretty cool, but kinda serious. Somewhat aloof. I think Rowen has a crush on her though.
Speaking of Rowen, he’s the other member of the crew. He works on engineering stuff in case anything breaks. He’s also my best friend and single, if anyone’s interested.
And this is all of us. Yeah, I know. Small crew, but that’s because every one of us is worth ten people. Except Fred… Fred is terrible at everything. I’m not sure why we’ve got him aboard. Oh right! I forgot to mention Fred. Yeah, he’s also a crewmember… Anyway, what was I saying? Ah right, we’re all great. Has nothing to do with our division getting budget cuts because our works have been fruitless so far.
You ask what we’re working on? Well, that’s kinda classified, but maybe I could tell just you, you know between you and me confidentially, that kind of thing. Don’t let it slip to anyone else. We’re basically exploring the horizons, looking for more lands. You know what they say: thedude’s not conquered everything if there’s more of everything to conquer. Sadly, no one’s been able to find anything before, but that’s actually all the better, because it means I get to go on this mission. And it’s pretty fun. You know… We get isolated from everyone else. See ocean on all sides every day… Stay enclosed within the same four walls all the time…. . . Okay, it’s not the best, but I’ve got my best mates with me, right? Rowen, Jill?
What are you doing?
I’m recording a log for our mission.
I’m not sure what exactly you’re up to, but you’re probably doing it wrong.
Hey Rowen, you’re with me right? You get what I’m saying!
Always, bro!
That’s what I’m talking about bro! See, Jill?
I don’t see anything, you’re not making any sense.
In any case, let’s continue. You see, it’s because we’re exploring like that that our journey’s been taking so long. Normally spaceships like this would get anywhere really fast, but we’ve got to actually check the whole landscape or well seascape to look for any land, so progress is slow. Fred’s been saying we won’t find anything since no else has before anyway, but who listens to Fred? After all, Mr. Svee did say that some of the previous expeditions never came back and if they got lost, then there must be somewhere they got lost in and we should find that.
So far we’ve not found anything either though. It’s all been water so far. At least we actually get to travel over it, rather than on it, because I get seasick pretty easily. Not like Fred who gets spacesick, too. Or is it airsick?
Hey Rowen, if you’re flying in a spaceship, but flying in the air, is it spacesick or airsick?
It’s one of the questions of the ages.
Yo, is it both at the same time?
It’s like Schrödinger’s sickness.
Wouldn’t it just be airsick, because it’s what’s causing the sickness what’s important, that being travelling in the air?
No, boo. Bad Jill. You don’t understand the complicated things.
Yeah, Jill, don’t be like Fred.
No one wants to be like a Fred.
What’s wrong with Fred, he seems like a nice gu-
Nooooo! Fred’s terrible, have you not seen Fred?
Yeah you can’t honestly believe Fred is competent at anything.
Fred is bad.
Fred is bad.
Fred is frad?
Fred is Fred.
Oh man, sick burn.
And with that we complete today’s log. To summarise: we’re the crew, we’re searching for thing, Fred is bad.
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 30th 9 Yt, 17:32, Log 2
We’ve hit a bit of a delay. We’re changing course. Apparently, Kibo just noticed we were off course of where we were headed. Never thought Kibo would make a mistake like that. We’ve been on the wrong path, too much to the south, for hours. I’ve not heard of Kibo doing anything like it before. Weird. Guess he must be tired, too, after all this water for six days straight…
Then again, Fred told me all that, so it’s probably nonsense. No way that man knows what’s going on right.
Well, at least we’re headed the right way now, towards the west. Captain did mention some numbers or coordinates or something, but I don’t really remember them. All will be good and hopefully we’ll discover new lands in time for breakfast tomorrow.
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 30th 9 Yt, 23:47, Log 3
Man, I could really do with some soda right now.
Stubbornness, Mission sixtee- ah got it wrong…
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 8:43, Log 4
Damn, woken up early today. As if I’ve got a job to do or something. What’s it Jill? Stop staring at me like that. Anyway, no land found yet. And I also missed breakfast. Why did Captain have to lock the kitchen today?
Maybe it’s a not so subtle hint you’re supposed to wake up on time.
Listen to her, Rowen. Ridiculous, right?
Haha, all I know is I ate breakfast and you didn’t. Sucks to be you.
No, the betrayal!
A- achoo!
Hmm? What’s it, Jill? You sick or something.
Nah, I don’t think so. Maybe some allergy.
Is there anything on this ship to be allergic to?
You?
Oh man sick burn, she totally got you.
Dang it, I gotta give that to you. And thus we end this recording with Jill ahead of me for now, but will she maintain that score? Tune in next episode to find out.
Stubbornness, Mission aah 17, Date whatever, Log the next one after the previous one
Hello everyone. It’s Rowen, your new host. I’m sure you’ll be happy to have gotten a much better-looking host now… Though you can’t really see me with these. But my voice is greater, too.
Anyway, for things to log.
Jack is a nerd.
Fred is bad.
It’s hard to read Captain, but I think I might have seen a slight smile in the morning when Jack was upset about breakfast. So, maybe she’s happy today.
Jill is still pretty.
Day thirty-one of losing arm-wrestles to Mr. Svee. Gonna get him some day.
Oh uh and speaking of Jill. She said she had a strange itch earlier today and when I suggested I scratch her if it’s hard to reach, she merely shot me down, didn’t hit me. So, I think that’s going well.
Oi Rowen, what are you doing?
Oh shoot, Jack’s coming, gotta go. Over!
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 15:22, Log what was the last number, Rowen?
I think you’re doing that wrong, Rowen. You’re only supposed to say that when using a walkie-talkie.
I mean you can walk with this right?
Not the same thing. Anyway, who gave you permission to use my journal, ah I mean log.
I just did it, yo.
Hmm… Well, can’t argue with that.
Hey guys, what are you doing?
Oh shoot, it’s Fred. Run, run, go, go, go!
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 18:56, Log 7
I was telling Rowen, and I think all of you listeners at home will agree, that he should just go for it and ask Jill out, but then he says he can’t when the mood in the ship’s so bad, it’s killing his groove. So, I ask him what’s wrong. And he says that he overheard Kibo and Captain arguing. What are they arguing about, I ask. Apparently, Kibo fell asleep overnight and hit the wrong button or something and sent the ship the wrong way going right bast east towards home. Kibo denied it, saying he was up all night and never did he turn the ship around and he doesn’t understand what happened. So, Captain’s mad at him for making a mistake twice, but also not admitting it. She told him to go sleep, because he’s too tired to fly properly and Kibo got annoyed saying it wasn’t true at all.
Anyway, Captain took over the controls and we’re back on track now, but I wonder what happened to Kibo. He’s been a perfect pilot in all our past ventures. Maybe he’s homesick.
Yo, Rowen, what do you think?
Probably he talked to Fred too much and caught incompetence.
Oh that’s right… That’s probably it.
Hmm. I don’t know, there’s definitely something weird about this. I’ve been feeling a bit off since a while ago. Maybe there’s something else at play.
Like what?
Maybe a rebel’s curse. But that’s just a guess. I think I should probably go study. Tell people not to bother me.
Hey, Rowen, what’s up with Jill?
Don’t know, Jack. But that’s what girls are like. A mystery.
I can hear you! I told you what was wrong!
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 20:56, Log 8
It’s getting late now, so it’s hard to see, but Mr. Svee said he saw mist ahead on the telescope, so we’ve all been wondering if that means anything. If we should approach or avoid it. Captain asked for Jill to look into it with her voodoo magic or whatever, but she’s been cooped up in her room and doesn’t come out. I tried to peek in at some point and she was in some sort of meditative stance with weird make-up on her face and candles lit all around. I’ll never understand those sorcerers.
In any case, with her like that, we’ve pretty much no choice to just go in and investigate it. I wonder what we’ll find. If anything. It might just be boring old mist. Well, we’ll find out in a few hours.
Stubbornness, Mission seventeeaaaaah, something something something 4:28, Log 9
I’m thirsty.
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 8:13, Log 10
Ah, woken up early today, damn. Why Captain, why? I almost missed breakfast, too. It’s a new day today and hmm, what’s that? Computer’s got the wrong date for some reason, says the 15th. Weird. I’ll tell Rowen to come and fix it later. Ah, this headache is killing me. I’ll end this entry early now.
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 10:42, Log 11
Maaan, what is this? I ask Rowen to fix the computer for me and he says no, because something’s got Jill spooked up and he’d rather stay with her. Man! It’s bros before hoes, ya know? I’d get it if Jill actually what she was so scared of, but she said she doesn’t know! That’s weird, right? So, now I’m stuck with Fred trying to fix it, like what?
Hi guys!
Don’t make it worse, Fred.
Who’re you talking to? Any friends back home?
Fred, you know we’re not allowed to contact people outside of this ship without authorisation.
Ah right. So, anyway about this computer… Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Oh dammit.
Stubbornness, Official Record Keeper’s Log, Star Date whatever
I was on my way to ask Mr. Svee to fix my computer, but then I met Captain and Kibo in the halls having the weirdest conversation. Captain was asking Kibo why the ship was all overturned, but then Kibo said it couldn’t have been his fault, because in the early morning it was Captain flying the ship. But that’s weird, I don’t remember Captain taking over. And she too was confused about it. They then simply went and fixed the ship’s course, but I’m not sure what’s going on and neither are they. I wonder if Kibo’s cursed.
Stubbornness, Mission the one we got, Date today, around one, Log 13
Now Jill’s taken to going around in a weird costume with a censer, burning incense and sprinkling water. She says it’s some kind of ceremonial dress. I think she might end up short-circuiting something, but Rowen isn’t stopping her. I think he might just like the costume though.
Captain also seems to think we should just let the sorceress do her thing. Maybe it’s cause there’s such a strange mood over the ship today, because normally I don’t think she’d be that accepting. I did catch Mr. Svee giving her an unconvinced look, though.
What a day.
Stubbornness, blah blah blah, Log 14, Status report
It appears through our combined efforts, Fred, Mr. Svee and I have… crashed my computer. It’s not opening any more, dammit. Oh, but also it looks like the date problem involves all our computers. Did we get hacked?
Stubbornness pays off! Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 14:53, Log 15
WE HAVE SEEN LAND! I repeat! We have seen land! I was just informed Mr. Svee saw it on the telescope. Looks like an island. It’s overcast with mist apparently and there’s a storm on the horizon, but we’re all too excited. We’ve discovered new land, actual land. The mission is a success! We’re all eager to see it from up close and explore it, so we’ll attempt to land. A storm should be no problem for our ship.
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 15:09, Blog 16
Hello everybody and welcome back to the Official Record Blog. Today we will be interviewing the crew of the ship Stubbornness. I have with me right now a man by the name Rowen, would you like to tell us what you’re doing right now?
Maintenance on the engines.
Ah splendid. And will that be important for landing on the island?
It’s important for everything.
I see, I see. And tell us, Mr. Rowen, what are you excited for in light of the upcoming exploration?
Hmm… I wonder if there’ll be any good food there.
Don’t we all? You know what they say, they don’t pay for luxury in the Rogues.
Next is Miss Jill. What would you like to say to the audience, Jill?
Aaaaah. Don’t poke sleeping dragons?
Awfully specific, but will do. Would you care to explain what you’re doing?
I’m preparing an enchantment for the blessing of this ship.
For those of you at home who can’t see, Jill is currently standing on one leg, reaching for her head with the other and juggling some mysterious bags of dried leaves with her hands. Impressive, I know, but kids don’t try this at home.
It’s actually a lot more complicated than what Jack just explained.
You heard it right from the source folks.
And anything you’re looking forward to now that we’ll be landing?
Hmm, I guess I’d like to see what the landscape is like.
What a nerd.
Hey! And here I am being nice, humouring you.
How very uncharacteristic of you. But that’s all the time we’ve got for you, I’m afraid. You’ll have to file your complaints next time.
As if I’m coming on this show again another time…
You’ve acknowledged it as a show now, you can’t take this back, ha ha ha ha!
No wait Jack, come back!
Haha and now that we’ve gotten to trick Jill, let us proceed to the next person. Kibo, would you like to-
Hey, who let you in here? Be quiet, I’m trying to focus now, we’ll be entering the storm soon.
And so-
Get out of here!
Alas, the last thing didn’t work out, but we’ve got more people to interview. Mr. Svee what would you like to tell the audience?
Hrmph.
Ah, very eloquently said.
And what are you doing there?
Preparin’. Landin’.
Ah, I see… And what is something you’d like to do once we land?
… Fishin’
Very nice. Maybe you’d like a fishing partner once you do.
No.
Ah… Okay. Then, I believe this part of the interviewing process is over. On to the next person!
Hey Captain, what-
What in Crux are you doing, Jack?
Interviewing?
Why?
As part of my logging duties…
Haaa… I’ll let you off this once, because we’re all excited today… But don’t you go doing stupid stuff like that again, you hear me?
Yes, ma’am!
And thus sadly this interview comes to an end, but hopefully you’ve all come to know our crew members a little better. That’s all of them after all.
Hey, what about me?
What about you Fred?
Won’t you interview me?
No.
Log 17
Hem hem… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
WE JUST ENTERED THE STORM AND I DON’T KNOW IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, BECAUSE IT’S VERY LOUD, BUT DAMN WAS THAT SUDDEN ROAR OF THUNDER SCARY!
Log 18
Welcome back. I’ve sought out a more soundproof place, so that you can hear my voice without screaming. The storm has proven to be stronger than we expected. Kibo’s fighting it out right now, so that we’re not overtaken by the winds, but it’s fine, this kind of thing happens sometimes. I’ve got to say though I really am glad we’re in a waterproof airtight ship cause it’s chaos out there. I looked out a window and could barely see anything beyond the drops of rain. Or the hail. Yes, there seems to be hail also.
Rowen and Jill are here with me in the closet, looking for warm clothes and blankets. It’s gotten pretty cold suddenly. And Captain doesn’t want to raise the thermostat’s temperature. Something about saving energy. I don’t really get it, we’ve got enough fuel to go on for thrice as much and still be able to come back, but Captain is Captain, I suppose. At least, it means Jill changed out of her ridiculous outfit.
Log 19
And the storm just got stronger. You can hear the sound of hail hitting on the roof, can’t you? I wonder if my voice will end up completely drowned out by the end of this.
We’ve got more people trying to stay warm in the closet now, under the piles of cloth available. Fred’s here and Mr. Svee stayed for a while before he went back to. Captain and Kibo are in the cockpit though trying to keep control of the ship. The storm’s making it harder to land safely, but they should be able to make it soon if they work together.
I’ll just stay in the closet though. Incidentally, the closet also happens to be the emergency room for some reason –I think it was a form of budget cuts. However, it’s not that I’m scared. I’m just here to… guard the clothes. It’d be a shame if something happened to them. What would Jill do if she lost any other potential weird outfits?
My outfits aren’t weird.
It’s not the time for that, Jill! Erm hem, where was I? Ah yes. So, as you can see Rowen and Jill are lucky to have me with them. I can protect them as well as the clothes.
Log 20
Nope, not doing it. Better to just pull out, they said. We wouldn’t be able to go out anyway if we landed, so it’s better if we just wait it out from outside.
The jolts are getting more violent and Rowen’s kinda scared. Ha ha, he’s such a kid. I’m not scared at all myself of course.
Lo- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
The ship’s gone out of control. We’re spinuwauwawanniiiing…!
I think I’m going to hurl!
Please don’t!
Ah, Mr. Svee, what do we do?!
Brace for impact! We’re falling!
I think I’ve gotta go now. The ship’s gone underwater and there might be damage to the hull.
Mr. Svee’s hit his head.
Oh no, is he all right?
He’s breathing, but it might be a concussion.
Fred, take care of him, we’ve got to go.
Ah… This is Rowen speaking. I found Jack’s recorder on the floor, so I’ve picked it up now. If these are going to be the last moments of our lives, we might as well leave something behind of them. The emergency lights just went on after a power failure, but for a while it was dark and I lost Jill. I got separated from Jack earlier when the seaweed monsters were chasing us.
You see, we fixed the parts of the hull that had been breached, or so we thought. But then it turned out some kind of moving, crawling seaweeds had gotten in along with the water. They tried to strangle Jack, but we cut them off him. Then, they started amassing together to form bigger figures that chased us.
I think I’ve lost them for now, but that’s not the only problem right now. I’ve come up to a window and that sound we heard earlier… Huge tentacles seem to be wrapped around the ship. What the heck is this? Are we gonna die? I don’t wanna die. This is stupid.
Hi, it’s me again. I’ve come up to the cockpit door. I tried to open it, but it wouldn’t badge. Then, I noticed the seaweeds on it. I’m afraid to touch it. Captain and Kibo might be in danger, though… I’ll try knocking.
Hello? Hello? Anybody in? They’re not answering, but the seaweeds are starting to stir. They might already be… Either way, I don’t think I can help them. I hope… I hope. I gotta go!
Whoa! Jill is awesome! She just came out of nowhere and burnt some seaweeds to a crisp. Never underestimate sorcerers. Thanks Jill, you saved me.
No problem, but what are you doing at such a time?
Never mind that, we should try to find the others and stick together.
We just found Jack struggling with a bunch of fish that had gotten in through another hole. We got him away, but I don’t know if we can fight all these fish. They’re pretty big and they look hungry and there’s all this water coming in.
Let’s just run!
Haha! This was so cool. Jack just smashed a sea snake’s head with a bat. Not sure where he even got it. Saved Jill that way. I’m starting to think we might just make it. Soon we’ll get to the armoury to get our weapons.
AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAH!
We’ve been thrown! We’ve been thrown! The tentacles have thrown us! We’re all gonna die, we’re all gonna die! We’ll start falling soon and then we will die.
…
Hey guys when are we gonna start falling?
I don’t know, I figured it’d start happening right about now, but honestly it feels like we’re still.
Weird.
So we’re not gonna die?
Greetings.
AH! It’s something!
KILL IT WITH FIRE! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Wait, it’s a person!
How did he get here? How did you get here? Are you an enemy? Ha! Are you a sea person?
I am not-
Down with sea people! I’m not going down so easily, you’ll only kill me over my dead body.
What?
As I was saying-
How can he kill you over your dead body? That doesn’t seem physically possible.
That’s why it would only happen over my dead body.
What?
No, no, he’s got a point.
Silence!
Ah right, intruder. Sorry, we’re not used to dealing with that. Honestly, you find us in a bit of an uncomfortable time.
I know, that’s why I’m here.
To finish us off?
No, I’m here to help you.
Help us? Who even are you?
Who am I? I suppose you could call me Thorn.
Well, Thorn, I’m sure you’re a very finely-dressed gentleman, but I don’t know if you can really help us. We’re kind of in an impending doom situation.
Oh don’t worry. Little Thorn has his ways. All I need is a word from you and I can make all your problems go away.
That sounds like an internet scam.
What… is an internet?
Never mind that, what I’m sure Jack meant to say is we have absolute trust in your ability to help us, but why would you do that?
Oh, cannot a man help some poor fellows out of the kindness of his heart? You’re lucky it’s the Hallowed Day. I saw you poor souls battling the storm and I couldn’t help it my heart was moved. So, you see I want to help you. But whether or not I do depends entirely on you. I simply need you to agree to the terms.
Terms, what terms?
Oh, it’s but a simple thing. You needn’t worry at all. Let’s say that you will just owe me a favour afterwards. It’s no big deal, right? A favour in exchange for your lives. It seems like a good bargain to me.
Hmm. A favour that we know nothing about and could be anything and which you can ask at any time in the future, possible with greatly adverse effects to our lives? I don’t know about that. So, make it one favour in exchange of our lives… plus one soda.
I can do that.
Cool.
It’s a deal then?
It’s a deal.
…
Hey, where did he go?
Oh man, I wanted a soda, too.
Wait, are we falling now?
AAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAH!
Hello, everyone! This is Fred speaking. I just found the guys and a soda unconscious in a pool of water. I pulled them out, but I’m not sure what to do with the soda, what do y’all think? I don’t know if Jack would be mad that I used his recorder thingy, but he’s unconscious right now, so I couldn’t ask and I thought someone should record this. You know, like a commemorative photo.
There was a lot of shaking, but in the end it seems we made it out and we’re currently floating out in the open sea, but under clear sky. Hmm. Now that I mentioned that, why were we in a storm in the first place? I don’t seem to remember at the moment. But my new friend Thorn is telling me not to worry about it, so I’ll probably do that.
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date November 2nd 9 Yt, 8:13, Log 29
Wow, log 29? When did we get to such a high number? I only remember recording like… three. Speaking of which, when did it become November 2nd? I’d swear it was like October 31st today? Is the computer broken, or… Oh man, did I miss Hallowe’en? I was gonna harvest some candy from Rowen. Hmm. I do feel like something did happen recently, but I can’t quite recollect it any more. Hey Rowen! Do you remember what we were doing the past two days?
Aaaah. Weren’t we flying like always? Or rather… I think we found something? But no, I would remember something like that. Hmm, the more I’m trying to think about it the more it’s eluding me. Anyway, won’t you hurry? You’ll miss breakfast at this rate. New rules today onwards.
What? I can’t miss that!
...nd Rowen, can I ask you something?
Hang on a moment, Jill, first I gotta:
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date October 31st 9 Yt, 8:32, Log 30
Do you have to record everything?
I was thinking. You know how back home we’ve got this daily vlogger thing where they record their whole daily life to show people. Maybe we could do something like that, too.
That sounds… terrible. But never mind that, what was I talking about?
You were about to ask something.
Ah thanks Rowen. What was it again? I think… right. Do you guys feel like something is wrong? Like something is missing?
Mmm. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.
Like, am I the only one who’s getting a headache when trying to think about what we did the past few days?
Why would we all get a headache together? Do you have something contagious?
No, I guess you’re right. What I was saying was unreasonable. Did we do anything out of the ordinary lately, you feel?
Out of the ordinary? Nah, these were the most common days we’ve had really. I did like an interview, right? I think. And then you wore a cosplay. Maybe that’s what you’re thinking of.
Cosplay? I don’t remember that, but… maybe? I guess one of the two of you convinced me to try something like that.
Then, that settles it, that must have been it. I do also remembering seeing you in a costume.
You must have been too embarrassed and repressed the memory.
Or maybe you hit your head during that huge storm that we went into?
What are you talking about Fred? What storm?
Ehhh… Not really sure.
Silly Fred, what are you trying to confuse us for? Well, I guess as they say Fred is bad.
Yessss! Jill knows it, too!
Fred is bad.
Fred is Fred.
Fred is happy that he’s got pals like you lot?
You’re even bad at this, Fred?
Stubbornness, Mission 17, Date November 2nd 9 Yt, 9:05, Log 31
Ah, Captain just debriefed us. Apparently, we’re going back home. The ship’s sustained too much damage to risk travelling any further. When did the ship get damaged again? Hmm. Maybe we hit birds while I was sleeping or something like that. Anyway, looks like this series is going to be coming to an end soon, but don’t you worry. I’ll still be here for the Stubbornness’s next mission (probably). Now off to mopping, there seems to be a lot of water in the ship for some reason.
“And that’s why you can always have a worse November 1st”, Roger finished.
“I don’t buy it”.
“What?”
“I don’t buy it”, Joe repeated. “Seems like you made it all up”.
“What are you talking about? That’s a real story that happened to my cousin”.
“Then, your cousin is making it up”.
“Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense. If they all forgot about it in the end, then how was your cousin able to tell you?” Phil commented.
“It was still in the logs, you see”.
“Speaking of, why did you tell the story like you were repeating the logs? That was so weird”.
“And who was that Thorn character?”
“What was that island?”
“Why was there so much mystery around it?”
“Who knows? They never learnt. That’s why it’s a mystery”.
“Why has no one heard of this story before? None of the expeditions ever reported success”.
“Because they also forgot the logs”.
“So, that’s why I’m saying… it doesn’t add up. If they forgot, then they couldn’t have told you. And why do you remember in the first place? You’re making it all up”.
“Fine, have it your way. I know what’s true, I don’t need your confirmation”.
“Hey guys I’m back!” Ned suddenly appeared, looking rather dishevelled with branches and dirt all over him.
“And where have you been?” Phil asked.
“Apparently, I’ve somehow become the local Raccoon crime lord”, Ned explained.
“See, I even believe Ned’s story more than I do you”, Joe noted.
“Oh that’s so nice of you”.
“Shut up, Ned”.
“Anyway, let’s get back to work. There’s still lots of candy to get”.
And thus the three Renegade friends –and Ned– continued along the road, leaving the warm fire behind. . .
==The Day when Thunderclap was built in a single Day==
“All right, children, what story would you like to hear today?” the Storyteller asked and was immediately showered with requests by the children gathered around the fire they’d made to keep them warm in the cold November evening.
“How about the thedude’s New Clothes one?”
“Can you tell us about Christmass?”
“I wanna hear about the time Sir Talmid was captured and escaped!”“Which one?”
“Is it true he escaped a few years ago?”
“I’d like to hear the one about the Duck Knight again”.
“Can it be a short one today? I want to be back for the fireworks”.
“The fireworks, huh?” the Storyteller pondered as she had an idea of her own. “How about I tell you of today’s holiday?” she asked, ultimately ignoring all the children’s requests even though she’d asked, something which she had a tendency to do. “The story of the Day when Thunderclap was built in a single Day”.
“Isn’t that kind of redundant?”
“Don’t question my titles. In any case, let’s begin. Our story begins on the Mount of Thunderclap, when thedude’s new fortress was still under construction…”
“wat iz dise? uxpluns yussalf”, thedude, king of the world (or soon to be, if the local newspapers were accurate at all), demanded.
thedude, Vladek and the construction foreman along with a couple of Renegade guards were looking at a virtually empty room –only a small metal box was left discarded on the floor. The room didn’t have anything special about it, except for the fact that it should have been wrecked already the day before. 
“You see, your Majesty. We attempted to bring down this room’s walls as well to make room for your interior pool, but he stopped us”, the foreman replied..
“hu, hua ar vis hi? kilfy hims nah”, thedude angrily enquired.
“He’s talking about me”, a voice said.
thedude looked to his left, looked to his right and didn’t find anyone else that could have been the voice. He turned to one of the guards.
“waz dat u”.
“No, sir”.
“den hi wer u”, thedude accused the other guard. “yu wel bi exacuto”.
“Sir, please no, that wasn’t me either”.
“vlederk, iz yus pleen pranc an mi?”
“If his Majesty were to examine a little more closely, perhaps he might realise that it was none of the living that spoke that time”, Vladek.
“den woo?”
“It would appear that it was this box”.
“sili verdik, boksis canne tok”.
“Apparently, this one can”, Vladek maintained his dead face throughout, but perhaps a muscle on it twitched once.
“Yeah hi, I’m Pyr”, the box confirmed.
“ah! teh bahk cans takl! kils eet wit fiyerh!”
Immediately, the two Rogues walked in front of thedude and the others and released two streams of flames on the box using their advanced weaponry. The metal box was unscathed.
“I’m sure you’ll find you can’t burn metal, your Majesty”, Vladek said with a faint ironic smile, after the guards had stopped.
“vurdlak, exxxplent dis”.
“It appears to be an artefact possessing some form of Artificer Intelligence”, the king’s advisor explained, having noted the intricate engravings on the box’s faces that were most likely not just for show.
“ah dannah luk id. kelld it!”
“Sir, I believe it’d be better if we studied what it did first. It could prove to be useful”.
“ah! et duun samtin, stahp its!”
The box was indeed doing something. A flame suddenly engulfed the upper half of it and the box started floating ever-slightly, in such an angle that one of its corners pointed upwards (and the one opposite downwards).
“And to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking to?” the box spoke and its flames stirred a little accordingly.
“yu sehz yosilvs nim frest!” thedude snapped back.
“I believe I have already introduced myself, I am Pyr”.
“wot di hix iz e pirr?”
“If you ask me that, I’m not sure I know the answer. A Pyr is me, that’s the most specific way I could define it. Do you know what you are?”
“miz thedude, da”.
“Ah, so that is your name. Now, forgive my being behind the times, but that’s what happens when you’re abandoned in an empty house for years, but is my information correct that thedude is the man who killed the infamous Sorcerer of Morcia?”
“wut surkara? hi min thoz brakrobd doodz?”
“I believe he is referring to the Sorcerer you killed upon arriving in Morcia. The one who used to live in this volcano”, Vladek refreshed his master’s memory.
“aH! i rumembahs. dat wor fan”.
“So, I was correct. You seem to be doing well, many years later. So many people are following you. You have my congratulations. And now you’re moving in? I have to say, you’ve got good taste. I’ve lived here my entire life and I can say it’s very homely. Though I can’t help but notice that you’re redecorating. While I am a little sentimental about it, I suppose it is inevitable. Time flows and the seasons change, and with them so do we. Only, I merely ask of you that you leave this chamber intact. It is, as you can see, my place of rest”.
“virdoc id stokin ter mats, kilyfi its”, thedude hardly paid attention.
“I do believe, sir, as I’ve already said that there would be more value to learning what it is than destroying it instantly”.
“ah dun ker dew eet”.
“Just give me a few moments at least”.
“az lung us mi haz meh pul oon teim”.
“Fine… Ahem, Pyr, you said your name was… You live in the Sorcerer’s residence and previously you talked as if you knew him. Is that true?”
“Of course I know him, he made me”.
“As I suspected. If he created your enchantment then, what is it exactly that that enchantment is?”
“Oh, that is simple. I am in charge of locating and evaluating new and foreign technological achievements”.
“You what? What for? What do you do with that information?”
“I don’t do anything personally. I merely send it to my partner”.
“Your partner?”
“They’re in charge of disrupting any instances of such technology”.
“The curse!”
“wot! diz ish teh crus! kild it, klid id nah!”
“Wait just a moment your majesty! If we can control this artefact, we can control the curse! We could turn it against our enemies, but not ourselves”.
“mrghrhrhgmrghl… fahn, dat doz sand gud”, thedude conceded in an uncharacteristic moment of clarity.
“Pyr, can you tell us where your counterpart lies?”
“Not really. If the other enchantment even exists in a single place, I don’t know it”.
“If we told you to stop your job, would you?”
“If I told you to die, would you?”
“Well, that’s unfortunate. If that’s the case, then all we’ve got left is altering what you do. Can you do that yourself?”
“I have no such authority to change my essence or purpose”.
“What if we try to change you?”
“Only my creator has the ability to do that”.
“Then, one final question. Do you resent us for killing your creator?”
“Why would I? I am merely an inanimate object after all”.
“sah wi klisifeh et naw?”
“I’m sure you’ll find it won’t be that simple to destroy me. This here might be my head, but my body has roots in the whole land of Morcia”.
“nnnnnnghhhhhrrr, yus anah mu! jost goot red uv its en mak mah pols”.
“That’s the problem, Your Majesty”, the foreman continued. “We’ve tried, but we have been unable to remove the box”.
“frumen, du ye won si hwat ti voclun lokz lahk form teh insids?”
“No, sir”.
“dehn funashd dis ba tumorau!”
The foreman hesitated, but then continued, “Yes… sir”, fully knowing that he had in all likelihood just ensured his doom. The very next day even…
~~~***---***~~~
The next day, thedude had to leave on emergency business. The foreman heaved a sigh of relief and proceeded to push the problem aside on his mind, setting a watch to keep guard of the box and its room then pushing the responsibility of solving this onto someone else.
The foreman’s subordinate proceeded to panic, not knowing how to handle this, counting the days he had till thedude came back. But the guards were pretty chill about it. In fact…
“I’m bored”, complained the Rogue named Josh.
“Well, what are you going to do about it? We have a duty”, his comrade Gil replied.
“At least I’d hoped that we’d get to see the lava when I came to work here. Working in a volcano isn’t as fun as you’d think”, the third man Rover said.
“Guarding a construction site… And then ending up guarding an empty room with a box? Could we get anything more unexciting?”
“Ah no, don’t say that!” Gil objected. “I’ve got this cousin, Will, who got assigned to some secret classified project. They’re guarding a Rad Washing Machine, I think… It could always get worse”.
“Why’s a washing machine a secret project?” Josh wondered, but got no answer.
“I don’t know. It is a rad washing machine. Is our box rad?” Rover reasoned.
“It does make flames”, Gil pointed out.
“Yeeeah. Flames are pretty read. They beat water anyway”.
“I’m still bored though”.
“Heeeey! What are you guys talking about there?” a voice came from within the room they were guarding.
“Just keep watching the box and make sure it doesn’t do anything, Zed”.
“Okaaay”.
“So, how long till lunch break?” Rover asked with a longing expression.
“Why don’t you get a watch if you’re so interested in that?” Gil replied with the frustration of having to answer the same question every day.
“Don’t our suits have a watch somewhere?” Josh said as he looked over his suit.
“I think it’s supposed to be digital, you won’t find it anywhere like that”.
“Figuring it out is too much trouble”.
“It’s one more hour till lunch time!” Zed’s voice yelled.
“Thanks Zed, no one asked”, Rover retorted back. “One hour is too long. I’m hungry already”.
“I shouldn’t, but I continue to be surprised by the endless bounds of your stomach”.
“Hey someone’s coming, shape up!”
The three Rogues suddenly stood up and stiff, trying to make themselves look busy in the business of just standing there and watching –with mixed results. Their eyes followed as a few people approached down the hallway and they relaxed somewhat when they realised it was merely some of the construction workers.
“Halt! Who goes there?” Josh enquired in a sharp loud voice.
“Just Barley from the construction department”, one of them said. “And my colleagues. We’re here to dispose of garbage that’s accumulated from digging and building into the mountain”.
“What, why would you do that here?” Josh sounded significantly less impressive.
“We’ve heard there’s a fire here that’s really good at burning”, Barley explained.
“That sounds very much against the rules”, Gil did not seem amused.
“And also very fun! Let’s do it”, Rover did not share that sentiment.
“YEEEEH!” everyone cheered, excited over the chance to throw things into a fire; even Gil was quickly overtaken by the mood and joined in the cheering as everyone entered the room.
The floating fire cube and Zed standing watch over it were the only occupants.
“Oh hey what’s up guys?” Zed was unaware still; his colleagues wondered how he could catch precisely what you’d spoken quietly sometimes, but then miss a crowd of people yelling loudly.
“Stand aside, Zed, we’re about to do this… for science!” Josh declared with vigour. “Bring something to burn”.
Although it stands to reason that a construction site located within a mountain would produce a majority of soil, stone-based and other inflammable disposables, what the construction workers were holding consisted of mostly just paper, wood and generally materials easy to light up, as if they’d been carefully selected for this purpose. No one, however, objected to this detail as Barley presented a pack of papers to begin with.
“Seeing as we’re the guards of this box thing, I’m afraid only we have the authority of interacting with it, so we’ll have to do this ourselves”, Josh claimed, wanting to burn stuff himself.
Barley appeared a little hesitant about that, but then handed Josh the burning material. Pyr’s flames flickered and seemed to grow dimmer in the presence of so many people around them, but they still were large enough to do the job. Josh raised the papers high over his head for everyone to see and then with one swift motion he threw them onto the flaming box under the cheers and applause of everyone watching.
The flames exploded upwards as they consumed the paper faster than any normal fire and created an impressive display of blaze, spark and smoke. Those paying close attention noticed that no ashes came out and upon commenting that to the others caused further hype about the whole business.
“It’s a perfect disposer!” someone cried.
Quickly and without much organisation, they began bringing more and more things to burn: paper, wood, rope, ripped clothes, even rubber and plastic. After all three guards (and Zed, after even the other three had to admit they couldn’t stop him any longer), they soon forgot about the rule they’d made up and let even the others throw stuff in. The flames grew to dangerous sizes, only to shrink back to a mane around the box and then blow up again repeating the process in a matter of seconds. No one seemed to considered how Pyr felt about it himself, but he did not object in any apparent way, so they certainly remained undeterred.
They kept at it for a while until they were all but out of anything to burn, upon which time they started to remember they actually had jobs to be at and would probably be fired if they did not show up to do them and almost instantly all the workers broke apart and disappeared.
Despite that, though, the initial excitement carried over to the rest of the day and the following one, too, with people coming over to dump any trash they made through the day: a paper bag, a note hastily scribbled not needed any more, a bandage, a gum wrapper, food gone bad, anything. The guards fully accepted it as it spruced up their otherwise pretty boring day and because it definitely made their post better than a rad washing machine.
However, a time would come soon that would threaten their ability to have fun like that any more. And it would be in the form of one of the demolition crew’s supervisors appearing before the four guards.
“Halt! Who goes there?” Josh asked threateningly.
“It’s just Darley of the demolition crew. I’m here with orders”, the woman replied.
“Orders?”
“We’ll be coming along to open up space here with explosives. We need to make sure everyone is informed”.
“Explosives? Then, what about the magic box? We can’t move that”, Gil was surprised.
Darley shrugged, “Boss says we’re to do this anyway to build the pool and let any cubes be damned. Well, I’ve got to be on my way, too. Is that clear? Just make sure no one lingers in the area and wait for us to come do the job”.
“Understood”, Gil confirmed and Darley walked away.
“Oh man! We’re not gonna get to pass time by throwing things into the fire any more”, Josh complained.
“No, don’t you get it! This means we’ll no longer need to guard this place. We might get a better job!” Rover spoke excitedly.
“Or worse”, Gil was not convinced.
“Hey, do you think we can get away with not telling Zed what’s going on?” Josh wondered aloud.
“Did someone say my name?” Zed yelled from the room.
“No Zed, you’re just hearing things… Gosh, what’s with that man’s hearing?”
“Hey guys!” Thomas, one of the construction workers that had been in Barley’s group had approached.
“Oh hi Tom”, Rover greeted him. “Looks like we can’t continue the burning shenanigans”.
“Oh?” Thomas raised his eyebrows.
“Yeah, we were just informed that they’re bringing down the room today. We’re supposed to keep everyone away”.
“Oh, that’s a bummer. Guess it had to end at some point. Shall we do a last one then? Might as well use the opportunity as long as we have it”.
“You know, Tom…” Josh began solemnly. “You’re speaking my language exactly! For last time’s sake!”
“Yeaaaah!” the rest cheered.
All together, they merrily walked in and stood before the box and Zed again.
“For last time’s sake!” Josh repeated and the others imitated him.
Thomas walked forward and dumped the contents of a bag he was holding into the fire. Just as always the flames exploded with sparks and smoke. The guards cried high-pitched cries as it never stopped being amazing. Thomas, though, looked grimly up at the flames. This was the last time after all.
Soon, the flames shrunk to their normal size again, though, and the fun was over. Truly, for the last time.
“Well, I suppose this is it”, Tom said. “Hope you gentlemen get transferred some place nice. I’ll be going now, there’s still work to do”.
“See ya later, Tom”.
“Good luck!”
“Let’s meet at lunch break or something someday”.
And with that Thomas left, too. And their company went quite for a while after that, having nothing to do other than thinking it’d be nice to see the explosions from up close. But then things were going to change once again with another unexpected appearance.
“Halt!” Josh yelled as usual. “Who goes the- oh my god thedude!”
“dat’s yor majisti far u”, thedude spat angrily.
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty, I sincerely apologise, please don’t throw me to lava sharks!” Josh proceeded to drop to his knees, kneeling before the ruler of the land.
“Fein, fein, jast listan. mi donts won teh pul enemur, cansil teh ixpurozian ent sind teh boom-booms to suxion for-b”.
“We’ll do exactly that, sir, eeeh, Your Majesty, don’t you worry, we won’t disappoint you”.
“gud”.
The guards watched terrified as the most powerful man(-child) of the land walked away.
“So, should we send someone to inform Darley?” Gil asked.
“Naaah. We can tell them when they come”, Rover answered, proving that frightful as they were, they still were even lazier.
“By the way”, Josh spoke. “When did thedude get a mustache?
“It’s time boys, we’ll be carrying the explosives here right about now. You should get ready, too”.
“No, no you can’t do that”, Gil warned Darley, who had just arrived along with some of her workers, bringing their load.
“And why the heck not?”
“Plans have changed. We won’t be doing the pool any more. You need to get the explosives to section 4-B instead”.
“I’ve not been informed of that”.
“Do you mean to question thedude?!”
“thedude?”
“Yes, he himself ordered that”.
“Oh my… I wasn’t aware he was back already. But if thedude said so, we can’t do otherwise. But damn, why is it that we learnt this so late? We’re already in the process of the old plan and now we need to cancel”.
“Yes, I wonder why you were not notified earlier”, Rover whistled innocently.
“I can send the people here to the right place, but can you three redirect anyone else who comes after them, too? I can’t stay”.
“Sure, we’ll do that”, Gil offered eagerly, mostly because it did not require any particular work on their side.
“What are you saying, we’ve got the wrong place?” a confused demolition crew member asked as he put down his heavy load of explosives.
“Yeah, there’s orders from thedude and Darley to change the location of delivery. And no explosions today”, Gil explained.
“Grrrr”, he growled. “They make us come all the way here and then tell us we shoulda been in a whole other place from the start. Do you know how heavy this is? Well, I ain’t carrying it all by myself again”.
“Then, who will?” Gil questioned, but then cowered before the scowl the man gave him.
“Wait, wait”, Rover intervened. “We can just have Zed help him. Then, we can get rid of him for a while”.
“Hey, that’s an actually good idea”, Josh was impressed.
“Hmm… I suppose Zed rarely ever does any legitimate work, so it would be fair to balance things out a little that way”, Gil agreed. “All right, let’s do that. Hey Zed! We’ve got a job for you!”
Zed quickly peeked his head behind the doorway, “Did you call me?”
“Yes, help that man and carry half his load with him”, Rover answered.
“Is that really, okay? I’m supposed to be guarding the box, right?”
“It’ll be fine, we’ll guard the box, that’s why there’s four of us. So, one can leave from time to time”, Josh imparted his inaccurate knowledge.
“Oh, that makes sense. Guess I’ll go then. Gimme what you got, mister”.
The sudden appearance of thedude with no warning had everyone in the under-construction fortress in panic. They were going about like ants spreading the news like wildfire and rushing to do one job or the other that they felt they might get in trouble for if it was left unfinished. At the same time, everyone was discussing with great interest this new rumour that thedude has gotten a moustache and a goatee during his absence and wondering how that might have come to be.
On his side, upon arriving, thedude found himself in his very own predicament. Mikhaila who had accompanied him in his return had given him a stack of documents and told him to look over and sign them before she returned for them. thedude looked at them, spread all over his desk in his temporary office. He stared. Then, stared some more. He mixed the papers once again in an attempt to make it look like he’d worked more than he actually had. Then, he started again… He really didn’t want to do this.
thedude was annoyed. Why did he have to do this? He was pissed. That stupid Mikhaila. Who did she think she was, ordering him about? She was too insolent for an underling. He should have her killed…
thedude looked over one of the document’s first lines. He read a word, then two, a sentence. Then, he was bored. This was too much. Why should he do this? Since when was Mikhaila an expert, he should just ignore her.
But then again, the last time he didn’t do his homework had resulted in an insurgence in the Icy Waste. The other eighteen times he could remember had also not gone well. Maybe, even he, the great King of the world could resign himself to at least sign wherever without reading.
He reached into a drawer in his desk… but then he did not find the pen he was looking for. That was unacceptable. He couldn’t work if it wasn’t with his favourite pen of course. He looked in the other drawers as well. It was nowhere to be found. Infuriating. Where had it gone? Who dared move it?
Is it here? Is it there? thedude looked all over the room. He had to find the pen before he did anything. But it did not turn up anywhere.
“survents!” he called.
One man walked in and then another after him.
“What is it that you desire, Your Majesty?” the first one asked politely.
“wot yi der wut meh pon?” thedude asked angrily.
“Nothing, Your Majesty”.
“din funds ets!”
“Yes, Your Majesty”, the man immediately started thoroughly searching the office.
“nd wet uv u?” he asked the other annoyed at the servant’s presence when he didn’t tell him to be there.
“Here, Your Majesty”, the servant handed thedude a milk shake.
“wat iz dush?”
“It’s the milk shake you asked for, Your Majesty”.
“uH”, thedude didn’t recall that, but he accepted the drink anyway, because it seemed good. Then, he turned back to the first servant. “yo fent id yut?”
“No, Your Majesty. Not your special pen”.
“yuclas!” thedude was not pleased. “feni, als dured mahsfli”.
thedude walked out of the room to look in the area outside of it. If it wasn’t in his office, then it must be somewhere close.
“hei grudez, halps mis!” he ordered a couple of Paradox Renegades standing nearby.
Together they scanned the area in a fast and efficient manner, with the guards doing the work and thedude supervising. However, despite the shining example of his great leadership, they couldn’t find the pen anywhere and they had to go farther and farther from the office. Eventually, they reached a more crowded place where a few workers were coming and going.
“iu phizonds”, thedude was disgusted at the sight of those beneath him.
“Oh, Your Majesty, you can’t go in there!” one of them warned, as thedude tried to go into the nearby storage room.
“in weh zah hokk nut?” he asked pointedly.
“The room is filled with explosives, it’s not safe for unauthorised people to walk in”.
“ims der knug, ar olues oserizd!”
“Yes, Your Majesty, but still it’s not sa-”
“git ata mis wuehz!” thedude pushed the worker out his way and walked in.
A good amount of explosives along with other tools had been stashed inside. Annoying. They were obstructing his search.
“weyh yers pooch diz hriar?” he stared menacingly at one of the people who’d just put down his load.
“Oh, your Majesty! It’s because Gil and the others told me to”.
“hur?”
“I can take you to them”.
“yuz ur ter gLi?” thedude asked.
“Eeeeh. I am Josh, your Majesty. And this is Gil and that’s Rover… Do you want something from us?”
“ais duntr kehrs! y yoz sentoz ter ekspariazin ta dez roms?” thedude got dangerously close to Josh.
“Aaaah. It wasn’t me!”
“We just sent Zed there, because one of the demolition crewmembers asked”, Gil said in a fast-paced terrified manner.
“hwer?”
“Oh, that’s Bill of the demolition crew”, Zed explained. “I can take you to him”.
“iz yors ti bilz?” thedude was flustered from all the walking.
“Yes, you need something, sir?”
“hwe yo urdah tir ekasaraparuz tuz hiez!”
“Eka-what? You mean the explosives. I was told to do so by them guards at the box room”.
“ter hwot?”
“Oh, I can take you to that room” .
“yuz agens!” thedude did not look happy to be at the same place once more.
“Your Majesty, we are honoured to be… honoured by your presence again so soon”, Gil attempted to appease the angry-looking ruler.
“shoddep! whe yunz til der blus to tok di ikusuproparakxs derrr?”
“The ikusuproparakxs, ha? Darley of the demolition crew instructed us to tell her workers to do so”.
“huz?”
“Oh, I’m sure our boss will know where she is. She’s under his orders after all”, Rover suggested.
“buss?”
“I can take you to him”.
“utebos?”
“Well, I’m some people’s bo- boss, yes… What do you re- require of me, Your- your Majesty?” the fidgety man was intimidated by thedude.
“gimmi tehs dorlah!”
“Darley? Is- is that who you want? I, I’ll fetch her at once, just a mo- moment!”
“You called for me, Your Majesty?” Darley was if scared at all, able to hide it beneath the mask that was her face.
“whah-ye-tulds-ti-wukraz-tsu-gid-der-akuxakazaporpapazionis-tur-det-plesh?”
Darley seemed to process the question for a few moments, but before thedude could get too angry about it, she spoke up, “By that place, do you perhaps mean Section 4-B? I was told I needed to do so, by the guards stationed in the room that was to become a pool”.
“ssdadfhyjtyjtyjhdfrfeserytytgn!”
“yersfrekrianyuswaslzsuldiahzwaterzyostrentorduzhwytdedjuduzoltatyotreldterdorlallrxtuzsintsdirexkaraasppaprppapaksskakaiannzaansisturder?!” thedude was barely comprehensible in any way at that point.
“Ah… what?” Josh wasn’t really sure what the question had been.
“I believe he’s asking why we told Darley to send the explosives to 4-B”, Rover explained who had witnessed the previous exchange.
“Then, why didn’t you tell him?”
“He didn’t ask me”.
“That’s no-”.
“shadderup!sodrop!yeziduch!dgoztunsah!”
“Your Majesty, I am not sure why you are asking that”, Gil replied. “It was in fact you who told us to”.
“wert?”
“You came earlier today and said the pool was cancelled”.
“watrs?!”
“Do you… not remember?”
“guuurrrrgrrhrrgrrrgrhgrrGRRGGGRHH!!!! MIXULA!”
“You want us to call the Commander, Your Majesty? We’ll do that at once. Zed, go fetch her!” Gil offered.
“I’m going, I’m going”.
“Hey, Josh!” Rover whispered. “Do something to appease him or else he might kill us”.
“Right”, Josh whispered back and then spoke up. “Hem hem. I must say, though, Your Majesty. After all, you really are better off without a moustache. Don’t get me wrong. It was most certainly a very fine moustache, the finest in the land. But at the end of the day, yours really is not the face for a moustache, so now you look even better without it”.
thedude stared at him blankly for a few moments. Then, “hwaterecc?”
When Mikhaila finally found her master after he summoned her, he had been cooped up back into his office, too angry to look at anyone at that point. She bowed before him and asked what he had called her for. thedude, however, had a spiteful gleam in his eyes.
“wat iz dish yer worin?” he asked.
Mikhaila, as it was, had chosen to dress for comfort in that occasion rather than utility. Blue overalls and a white shirt made up the most of the outfit.
“There is no threat of a battle situation at the moment, your Majesty, so I’ve temporarily discarded my combat suit”, she explained.
“iz yih moaken mehz wit duz kulahts?” 
“It is but the standard uniform for all Thunderclap personnel, sir”.
“yur derfuntli mecinz mahs! yo buret!” he ignored her and with one swift move, he picked up his sword and swung at her.
It was not deep enough to cause a serious wound, but certainly enough to hurt badly. Many might call thedude talentless, but there’s one thing he definitely knows well and that’s how to cause pain to people. Two more slashes and there were now three red lines across his underling’s back. Mikhaila did not react. She merely looked in front of her stone-faced, letting thedude do as he wished. He hacked a few more times until his built-up stress was released until he was even able to laugh. At last, he stopped and after enjoying the mess he had made of the clothes and the body they previously hid beneath them, he looked at Mikhaila strictly and spoke again.
“mai wukraz r akten kersah en nut doen teyr dgab roit. dei mek ed olz hred ahn dan lissan. ser fanj meh loke pins fuhr ai”, he said in a slow manner, as if trying to make a child understand him in a patronising way. “uvahstods?”
“Yes”, Mikhaila hissed, for there was little more she could do in her current state.
“gud. ferkx tinghz”, thedude finished and walked out to do who knows what.
“You idiot”, Mikhaila spat finally allowing herself to grimace. “There’s so much more to do than find your stupid pen”.
“… How did you three end up here?” Commander Mikhaila, once again her intimidating self not showing any weakness inside her armour asked.
The three Rogues, currently stripped of their suits, looked at her from behind the bars of their cell in the Thunderclap dungeon, one of the parts of the fortress that was already well under way –in fact Mikhaila had already contributed to the entry of some of its residents.
“King thedude put us in here, because he got angry at us”, the one who was named Gil according to her information explained.
“I’ve already surmised part of the situation from asking one of your colleagues, a soldier named Zed, but I still do have some questions for you. If you prove yourself useful, I might consider getting you out of here”.
“What are the questions?” Josh asked.
“According to the other soldier, you were instructed to cancel the plans about the pool construction by thedude himself. How did thedude look when he did so?”
“Mmm. Well, as normal I suppose”, Rover considered.
“But he did still have his moustache then. And a goatee”, Josh added.
“And he told you to move the explosives that were to be used for bringing down the room you were guarding to another place, where was that?”
“Section 4-B”.
“When did that take place?”
“Around three, I suppose”.
“Did anything out of the ordinary happen before thedude appeared before you?”
“Mmm, let me think… Well, Darley of the demolition crew did come to announce she was going to bring down the room a little earlier”.
“Anything else?”
“Oh! We also had our last burning around that time”.
“Your last… burning?”
Mikhaila stared at the little metal floating cube. She was not really equipped to understand what its engravings signified, but it was elementary to see that a floating, flaming cube was something to take note of.
“You are the one known as Pyr?”
“Oh lord. It’s the first time someone’s speaking to me in days. I was harshly reprimanded the last few times that I attempted to strike a conversation of my own accord, so I ended up staying silent all this while”.
“Can you confirm that in the past few days several workers of this construction site have been coming to you in order to burn objects they’d gathered into you?”
“Can’t say that it didn’t happen”.
“I see”.
Mikhaila considered for a moment. She examined the sentient artefact. Then, she examined the room. Her eyes stayed a moment at the burn marks that had been made on the ceiling over where Pyr was floating.
In a swift move, Mikhaila pulled out a piece of paper of her own and threw it into Pyr’s flame. The usual reaction occurred and the flames exploded upwards. But Mikhaila’s eyes were not on Pyr or his flames, but rather on the ceiling. It was only for the briefest of moments and then the flames seemed to abruptly stop unlike the descriptions that she’d gotten; but in that instant she saw it. Shapes that had been seared into existence in some kind of pattern. Maybe they were letters. But Mikhaila didn’t get to see them long enough to tell with certainty. Even so, she had seen enough.
“Thank you very much, Pyr”, she said with satisfaction and noted, too, that the ever-so-eloquent cube was now remaining silent.
Walking out of the room, she came upon some of the soldiers she’d sent on a task.
“Report?” she asked.
“We questioned people around the fortress about things out of the ordinary. Some reported strange flashes of light occurring in various places throughout the day. Others mentioned they thought thedude was seen moving about more frequently than usual today. Sometimes he had a moustache, sometimes he did not”.
“As I thought. It seems we have a situation at hand. There’s an impostor on the loose”.
“en mek sur to brek a hol dere! mi wont a tannel!” thedude ordered in his usual angry tone, then proceeded to walk away.
“thedude sure does like to get involved in the micro scale, doesn’t he?” one of the workers said.
“Yeah true, but was that always how thedude looked? He seemed a bit off to me today”, replied her friend.
“I dunno. I was too distracted by the moustache that I didn’t really notice the rest of the face. He did wear the thedude clothes, didn’t he?”
“I suppose”.
thedude, leaving the workers behind walked in a nearby empty room alone. There, he waited for a few moments, but then something happened. A light flashed and a flame appeared through the ceiling. It danced through the air and shaped into elaborate shapes. In no time, the flames had taken the form of letters, spelling “Mikhaila is onto us. Proceed with caution”.
thedude looked at the letters with a grim expression as they faded and disappeared, twisting the hairs of his moustache in the process. He then took out a piece of paper from a pocket in his overalls and examined it intently. It was a schematic of the fortress. He studied it for a while.
“Will we be able to make it work on such short notice?” he asked himself. “No… We have to. Lady Calibus. I will finish what you started”.
“Everyone listen up”, Mikhaila called. “There is a faux thedude operating within Thunderclap. There are also more traitors working with him. I need you to spread the word. No one is to obey order from the faux thedude. He has been identified to bear a moustache and a goatee of black hair. Do not mind if the people you inform of this are traitors. Their apprehension is of secondary importance right now and their learning that we’re onto them will not hinder this part of the operation to crush them. If, however, you see any suspicious reactions, feel free to arrest them for later questioning. However, what is most important right now is to make sure that the faux thedude can no longer continue his impersonation”.
At that moment, the real thedude walked in, looking flustered, “derz e fawkes thedude?” he asked. “kilsfi hrem imdtleh!”
“Yes! We will find thedude fawkes as fast as possible. His treachery will not stand!” someone in the crowd of gathered Rogues cried.
“After thedude fawkes!” some more people joined in and quickly the soldiers dispersed, as they split up in groups to search for thedude fawkes and inform people about him.
At the same time, Mikhaila made sure to have a special guard escort thedude outside of the building, for his safety.
One specific group of the Rogues that had attended that meeting, though, wondered about a little aimlessly, not entirely sure where they should go.
“So, what do we do now?” Josh asked.
“We look for thedude fawkes, don’t we?” Gil replied.
“But I don’t really know my way around this place that well. We could get lost. Then, maybe we’d fall victim to the traitors hiding in the shadows”.
“Maybe then, we should only search in the places we frequent. Let’s start with the box room”, Rover suggested.
The three of them headed there and as they made their way through the rough unfinished hallways, they eventually came upon someone else.
“Zed?”
“Guys?”
“What are you doing here?”
“Well, since Mikhaila took over, I’ve not been sure what to do exactly, so I’ve been wandering around the area”.
“Never mind that, help us find thedude fawkes!”
“The Dude Fawkes? Oh no! Wait… What’s a Dude Fawkes?”
“It’s a really scary man plotting our doom. He looks like thedude, but has a moustache”.
“And a goatee, too!”
“Oh my, sounds scary… Maybe, we should ask the friend I just made”.
“Friend?”
“Come, I’ll introduce you”.
Zed led the other three Renegades into another corridor crossing the one they were on where a man was tiptoeing away as fast as he could manage.
“Hey Guido, come say hi!” Zed called.
The man named Guido turned around and he did not look entirely happy. However, he still managed to hide that quickly beneath a hearty smile –a moustache-covered smile.
“Yes, Zed, what is it?”
“Come meet my friends. This is Josh and Gil and Rover. And of course this is Guido”.
“Very well met”, Guido waved his hand as they approached. “However, I am afraid I am very busy and should keep going”.
“Wait a moment”, Josh stopped him. “Have we met before?”
“I don’t think so. I’m sure I would remember. You look like memorable people, but I don’t recall meeting you ever before. So maybe it was someone else looking like me. But someone else”.
“No no, Josh is right. That moustache does look familiar”, Rover continued.
“Now that you mention it”, Gil agreed. “Who had such a moustache though?”
“Was it Dude Fawkes?” Zed asked.
“No no, Dude Fawkes looked like thedude. This man looks entirely different. He doesn’t even have the clothes”.
“Ah you’re right”.
“Oh… Perhaps, it was my cousin… Luido. He, too, has a moustache like mine. He works in this place as well, so you might have seen him because of that”, Guido spoke quickly.
“Ah, you must be right. We see so many faces around these places. Well, I guess that’s it. We shouldn’t keep you”, Josh was convinced.
“Wait! Aren’t we forgetting something?” Gil noted.
“Right!” Rove exclaimed. “Hey, Guido, will you help us find Dude Fawkes?”
“Dude Fawkes?” Guido asked, agitated over being stopped once again.
“Yeah, he’s a wicked guy that looks like thedude, but also has a moustache and a goatee. We need to find him before he does anything bad”.
“Oh. Uh… I see. Moustache, you say? Oh, I know. I think I saw a person like that just a little while ago. Perhaps, we can still find him”.
“Really? Then, show us at once!” Gil was excited at the sudden prospect for a promotion.
“Follow me”.
The four Rogues followed Guido, who was relieved to be finally moving again. He still did seem to give troubled looks to his companions from time to time, but they did not appear to mind him. Soon, they started to walk in very familiar territory.
“Hey, that’s leading to the box room”, Rover pointed out. “Do you really think Dude Fawkes would be there? It’s a pretty bad place to hide”.
“He might not be, but we might still find clues about him”, Guido smiled nervously.
Finally, they came at the door they’d come to memorise better than the look of their own palms in the last few days, opened it and…
“It’s just as empty as ever”, Josh said in disappointment. “There’s nothing here”.
But Guido was no longer paying attention, “PYR, ACTIVATE!” he cried.
There was a flash of light.
thedude was in a hurry to get as far from what he currently perceived as a den of assassins as he could go on the car they’d found most quickly available. However, even in such a situation the booming sound of a series of explosions would draw his attention. He turned around to see smoke and flames rising from multiple points in the mountain that was called Scary. Avalanches were already forming and the mount was shaking unsteadily as if it might collapse unto itself any moment now.
“stahp!” he yelled to the driver. “STAHP!
The driver hit the brakes, but regardless of thedude’s repeated commands and threats, the car could only decelerate so fast. In fact, so abrupt was the slowing down that the people inside almost flew out of the roofless vehicle.
As soon as they’d stopped, thedude walked out and stared at the mountain angrily. Whoever had done this would pay for it. His face’s muscles contorted into a mask of hatred and he screamed loudly making everyone accompanying him fear for their lives. He drew his sword and pointed it forward and upward, cursing his enemies and the traitors who had dared oppose him. Red and blue lightning came out and those who were struck by it felt their bodies go numb. The car, on the other hand, blew up.
A low murmur began soon after and as thedude stared intently at the mountain its trembling stopped, the collapsing was interrupted and for a moment the volcano was held in suspension. Then, its surface was broken apart anew, with materials flying all around. The spots of lava disappeared, pushed back. The broken buildings fixed and multiplied, the trees growing on its side uprooted, the exterior of the mountain smoothed, the interior restructured.
At last, thedude’s sword could not handle the effort and snapped in two pieces, falling down lifeless. However, the job had already been done. The mountain had not only been restored, but it could hardly have been argued that the fortress was not complete. And although thedude had large plans and his ambitions were greedy, with expansions in mind and the interior could still be reworked further, for all intents and purposes the initial plan was complete, the fortress ready. What his underlings had striven years to achieve, done by thedude in a single day.
But thedude had no mind for that at the time. He looked at his broken sword and screamed curses once again in a tantrum worse than the one before it. At last, once he had yelled his throat sore, presence of mind enough returned to him and he called, “Miiitern!”
A few moments passed before a light appeared in the night sky. The light grew and it had a definite red hue. A few more seconds and the light had become a Red Mythran. The being landed before its master and awakened his commands. thedude, however, did not speak, but merely plunged his hand into the heart of the Mythran. The red being jerked violently and then froze in place as thedude felt around for something within his servant’s essence. Finally, he seemed to find it and his fingers gripped around something. He then pulled and a sword came out. It did not gleam as cruel, as powerful as the original, but it would still do. Until the true Sword was found.
However, just as thedude straightened his body back up after searching around within the Mythran, something fell out of a pocket in his overalls. He looked down at the ground and to his surprise, there it was: his lucky pen.
~~~***---***~~~
Following his failed assassination, Dude Fawkes was captured and executed. His rebellion nurtured at the heart of thedude’s empire was crushed. thedude’s pool was made as planned, although to this day it is said that in the middle of it a tiled square remains connecting all the way down to the bottom of the pool. And rumours have it the artefact Pyr still lives in there, unable to come out or ever talk to anyone again. As for the four Rogues, Josh, Gil, Rover and Zed, with the old room gone, they were subsequently appointed to an entirely new position: official pool guardsmen.
~~~***---***~~~
“The end!” the bard finished.
“Boo!”
“What’s this?”
“Like that would ever happen?”
“Is that even how construction sites work?”
“So unrealistic”.
The people who had gathered to listen to the story of how Dude Fawkes Night had been born had been initially interested, but were now jeering, disbelieving the storyteller. Quickly, they dispersed, no longer interested to listen to the bard’s stories or for that matter pay him any coin for his trouble, seeking instead to see the fireworks and the likenesses of Dude Fawkes being burnt. In the end, only one of the listeners remained.
“That was a good story”, he said and he threw a coin into the bard’s laid out hat. “That’s for the hope it brings”.
“Hope? I’m not sure I understand. There are many things that can be said about it and I do so accept your compliments and patronage, sir, but hope is not what I see in this story”.
“No, it is certainly hopeful”, the man smiled. “For it tells us that Sharpie still survives. And that’s as best hope as we may have at this point”.
And with that the red-haired and red-bearded man gave a last laugh and then walked away, to be lost in the dark and smoke. . .
Category:Stories
Category:The Additional Manuscripts
Category:Stories by fffffplayer1