Faye Whitaker/Quotes

==Memorable quotes==
===Loud and proud===
*"I am a milk ninja!"
*"High-quality booze is for pansies. I am TOUGH."
*"Marten, we're LADIES. We operate on a whole other plane of existence when it comes to plotting and drama."
*"I am Muffin Cthulhu"
*"I am the depleted uranium of feminity."
*"Comparing most girls to me is like comparing Sputnik to a space-borne death-laser."
*"No offense Dora, but you'd make a lousy surrogate for me. You're like .65 Fayes at best."
*"I am the Hope diamond of hipster girls."
*"I have allure coded right into my genes"
*"I feel like Tigers are walking over my grave. My grave is gonna be BADASS."
*"Ten million youtube views, Minimum."
===Unsorted===
*"I have attained girlvana!"
*"One can never be too careful. A girl has to protect her assets. Also her breastets."
*"Do you see the look on my face right now? This look means that you have just broken my mind."
*"You are a true friend, flower pits."
*"I'm making a pee-rah-mid!"
*"Well, let's just say that I'm not very good at making toast."
*"The stupid toaster was just out to get me."
*"NO I DO NOT CARE THAT THEY ARE OUT ON A DATE TOGETHER IT DOES NOT BOTHER ME IN THE SLIGHTEST SO DO NOT ASK AGAIN"
*"She's at home listening to the Red House Painters, gazing moodily at her Morrissey poster and sighing. Pop Tart crumbs litter her sheets. Sad Pop Tart crumbs, crumbs of loneliness and dejection."
*"Imagine if Howard Hughes and a scarecrow had a baby girl"
*"Go. Eat. A. Cookie."
*"...music plus science equals sexy!"
*"Would you like me to call your mother a whore, poison your cat, or take a dump on your sofa?"
*"Ask about our refurbished Starbuck's employee program!"
*"I figure the weirder your life is, the more fun you're having."
*"I'm trying to use humor to help me face adversity. You know that famous photo of the Chinese protester standing in front of that column of tanks? I bet he was making silly faces at them."
*"It wants to be your special friend!"
*"I think the best kind of boyfriend is the one who lives in your underwear drawer and takes AA batteries."
*"Oh yeah. I also drink seltzer when I want soda, eat rice crackers when I want chocolate, and listen to bluegrass when I want death metal. I am getting a freaky Popeye forearm. My right hand filed a RESTRAINING ORDER. I AM JUST A TINY BIT BORED WITH IT."
*"I demand instant gratification"
*"Mister Talking Whiskey Bottle here told me! He is a vast reservoir of false knowledge and fuel for mistake-making."
*"Here. Have some Emergency Bourbon."
*"WELP Time for some Emergency Bourbon"
*"I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP"
*"God is a monitor lizard! He can't spend half the year hibernating, He has too much to do. Therefore, He shuns the North and its bitter winters."
*"I'm sorry, it's just that gay couples are cute enough as it is, and the concept of a little gay robot couple is just unbearably adorable."
*"CHRIST, woman, we're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here! You can have his cock in a minute!"
*"Me and Sven was[sic] a speedboat that caught fire and exploded. You and I are a paddle steamer near Niagara Falls."
*"Fucking shit-eating DOUCHEBAG ASSHOLE!"
*"Goodness gracious, that must mean I'm a unicorn!"
*"Yes, yes. Snot on my shirt, That's what friends are for."
*"...have you ever lived completely by yourself before? After a couple weeks you find yourself talking to the kitchen appliances. 'Oh, good morning Mister Refrigerator! You're looking very shiny today!'"
*"This just in: we will be postponing this morning's scheduled panic attack in order to admire that fine, fine ass."
*"What am I supposed to do with all this surplus rage now?"
===Sassy===
*"'Specialty' coffee drinks are all just namby-pamby flavored crap for people who don't actually like coffee."
*"I go into anaphylactic shock when I pretend to be cheerful"
*"My sarcasm beam is all charged up and ready to go"
*"What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people?"
*"Quick, say something stupid so I can make fun of you"
*"Well that is very sweet, but completely idiotic."
*"I enjoy consuming the charred flesh of dead animals"
*"I WILL turn the hose on you two. I will go to the hardware store and purchase a hose. Then I will come back here, hook it up to the faucet, and turn it on you."
*"Okay, that does it. We are going to a veterinary clinic to have you spayed."
*"Let me get my aloof sneer warmed up and we'll be on our way."
*"No way, once you get past my smirking remarks, you have to negotiate the spike pit, and after the spike pit is the laser cave"
*"There are no save points when it comes to ladies, honey."
*"Your hair reflects your soul. They are both pitch black and spiky"
*"You just haven't dug deep enough to reveal my hidden core of pure, molten bitchnium"
*"MY eventual goal is to be an evil millionaire"
*"...your coffee is over-roasted and smells like feet"
===Violent===
*"A wheel of cheddar to the skull, a slab of gouda to the groin. Truly, it is the deadliest of the food groups."
*"Boy-punching is the best way for a girl to test her depth-perception"
*"Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps!"
*"If I don't get some espresso in me within the next ten minutes I cannot be held responsible for my actions."
*"To the mall, where I shall burn and pillage! And also try on shoes!"
*"If I sense any lusting, I will stab you and then poop in the wound."
*"Must maintain control...Must not punch boss in her stupid Gothy face..."
*"C'mon, at least lemme break one of her arms."
*"I am sorry! I did not mean to break your arm!"
*"Well obviously I had to visit horrific violence on him as a matter of principle, but I really admire the sheer audacity of smacking me on the ass. I'm torn."
*"I swear to god they will find your body in not one dumpster but SEVERAL. Each six blocks apart."
*"The next time I try to 'fix' a boy it's gonna be with a pair of hedge clippers"
*"Am I still allowed to murder customers? I do so enjoy the murderin'."
*"Aw, you never let me murder anybody."
*"Touch me and I will pound you into a shape resembling a small cube made entirely of pain."
*"The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage."
*"Apparently knowing someone's name DOESN'T make it easier to set them on fire with your mind."
*"In a relaxed social environment, patrons do not expect me to pour scalding espresso down their shirts when they proposition me."
*"Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to."
*"I like plottin' downfalls. They make me feel... tingly."
*"You can ignore the phone calls from PETA though, there's no proof that the kitten was still alive when I bit its head off."
*"I would level a city block in exchange for a pint of fudge ripple!"
*"A girl does not mind using her ninja skills if it is to help a friend!"
*"I wasn't meant to be a young lady of the 21st century, I was meant to be a Mongol warlord."
*"Hooray, beheadings!"
*"If it makes you feel any better, Sven immediately made a ``hur hur what's a number 69`` joke and I punched him in the dick."
===Recovering===
*"This is why I don't like change. It changes things."
*"I’m like a hedgehog—if you just give me time to uncurl I’ll eventually relax and not be so prickly."
*"There needs to be a monster truck option"
*"Someday I'll be a real girl, with functional emotions and attitudes toward life"
*"Someday I'll be sane enough to sleep with a boy, and it'll be my turn to gross YOU guys out. Expect powerpoint presentations and 3D rendered models"
*"I'm NOT strong. I'm just good at burying things. I've been doing it for years now. It's like I'm stuck halfway between grief and recovery and I can't go in either direction."
*"I act all tough or mean or whatever but the minute someone calls me on it I go to pieces."
*"Now that I feel better, I can't justify eating this entire bag of cookies."
*"Being bitter isn't gonna make you feel better. I mean, I understand why you feel that way, but ... it doesn't help. I know from experience."
*To Marten: "I'm still trying to get better, but it's hard, and scary, and I can't do it without you. You're my best friend in the whole world and I couldn't stand it if you were mad at me."
*"I'm not all right."
*"FUCK this. I'm not giving up."
*"Don't cry, I'll be fine. Eventually."
*"TOTO"
Category:Quotes