Family Issues (episode)

"Family Issues" is the first episode of the series of the same name. Its page was added November 24, 2023.
== Story ==
==== Opening Scene ====
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, not terribly long ago...
JACKSON: Loona, PLEASE don't make me go on one of our friends's stupid trips-of-death. We lost Melodine that way. I don't want to lose Coco or Toralei or Paisley or Poison Mushroom or YOU next. In fact, I don't want to die!
LOONA: Lil bro, we won't do something dangerous this time around. Besides, we are just going to the bay. That way, we can take our minds off the past and who we lost before. You could just stay here with Roxxi, Pheebs, Charlie, Alastor, and whoever-after else is still here and willing to take time out their day to make sure you don't commit suicide with holy weapons!
JACKSON: We don't even have holy weapons! Or at least not where I can kill someone such as myself with them. I guess I'll go with you in hopes we don't die in the meantime.
NARRATOR: That happened.
(intro theme plays)
==== Scene One: ====
LOONA: There are no villians at the bay. No Sins, no Dark Enchantress Cookies, no Coconut Assholes! Not a single evil soul will be there.
ROXXI: Alright, enough with your yapping about death and suicide and the past and Fred the slut and get to it!
PHOEBE: Roxxi Poo, watch your mouth. Mommy won't like it.
ROXXI: Pheebs, you just shut your futhermucking trap before I get Mommy AND Daddy
CHARLIE: Well, I hope you make it out alive! Remember, TURN YOUR FRICKIN' COLOR UP FUTHERMUCKERS!
COCO: We'll live and turn our color up, kapeesh?
PAISLEY: Let's go!
==== Scene Two ====
TORALEI: Ugh! My feet are hurting!
PAISLEY: Then stop doing cat stuf around the house! We're not even to the car and we're already complaining about stupid stuf.
NARRATOR: Whatever Pais said
POISON SHROOMY: Want a shroomie, Pais?
PAISLEY: We're going to Wack Prongles, kapeesh?
COCO: That's my word!
PAISLEY: OH FOR CRYING. OUT. FUTHERMUCKING LOUD!
JACKSON: Can we have five minutes of peace and quiet you guys?
FRENCH NARRATOR: Few minutes of fighting later...
LOONA: Calm your asses down. We can do this if we just calm down and believe in ourselves.
PAISLEY: Whatever Loona said, 'kay?
POISON SHROOMY: I have extra shroomies in the back if we run out of our other food. Speaking of which, how long will it take to get there
KAREN: About 15 hours, you lazy f*cks
JACKSON: Don't repeat that.
==== Scene Three: ====
NARRATOR: And the group went on their trip. Here they are at a Wack Prongles, getting food like normal people.
POISON SHROOMY: I am telling y'all. I have some shroomies. We'll be fine.
COCO: I'd rather get food from a place I known is safe than risk getting cursed by a foreign mushroom thing.
WACK PRONGLES EMPLOYEE: Welcome to Wack Prongles, home of the Big Wack. We were told to terribly parody Good Burger.
TORALEI: Give us one of everything.
THE REST OF THE GROUP: TORALEI!!!!!!!
TORALEI: Fine. Let them order whatever-after they want. I am here for food, not bullsh*t
VEROSIKA: Oh look, the nerd and his gay friends.
JACKSON: "Gay" as in happy or homosexual?
COCO: Just ignore Verosika the succub*tch and you'll be fine
WACK PRONGLES EMPLOYEE: Keep it PG, y'all.
SMALL CHILD: Are those the people who saved us from the jerk cookie?
CHILD'S MOTHER: No more watching the news for you.
SMALL CHILD: (starts crying in a natural way, not like in those Grounded videos that shame preschool shows)
PAISLEY: Can we just get some food and run for our lives
NARRATOR: And so they did just that, carrying on like it never happened and that they just went through the Wack Prongles drive-thru
VEROSIKA: Oh bullsh*t!
TO BE CONTINUED