Episode 313: Helen Reddy/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 313: Helen Reddy.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Helen Reddy? Uh, thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Reddy.
Helen 	(powdering her face) Okay, Scooter. I'll be there. "Reddy" or not.
Scooter	Yeah... did you mean to make that joke?
Helen 	Well, I meant to make that joke before someone else did.
Scooter	Oh … You think we'd stoop that low?
 	
Fozzie 	Hey, three to get Reddy!
Helen 	… Lower.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Helen Reddy! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
Waldorf	Hey! There's chickens in our seat!
Statler	Shoo!
 	
 	Musical notes come out of Gonzo's horn.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we've got a terrific show tonight because our special guest is one of the world's greatest singing talents, Helen Reddy. But right now, we whisk you back through time and space to the palace of Versailles, where Marie Antoinette bears a striking resemblance to our own Miss Piggy.
 	
 	Miss Piggy portrays Marie Antoinette, who leads her subjects in a performance of "Stayin' Alive," until a guillotine outside scares them off.
Statler	Well, I'll say this for them.
Waldorf	What's that?
Statler	They don't show favoritism. They offend everyone.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The pigs pass by Kermit.
Pig (JN) 	Aw, come on. Let us eat cake! Let us eat cake!
Kermit 	Not only historically wrong, but hysterically wrong.
Pig (RH) 	(sniff) Sacré bleu!
Kermit 	Uh — what does that mean?
Pig (RH) 	Sacred blue. (leaves)
Kermit 	Mesh. What a mess this place is. Hey Beauregard, I've got a job for you.
Beauregard	Oh, good.
Kermit 	Just look at this mess.
Beauregard	Okay. That sounds easy enough. (looks at the mess)
Kermit 	Beauregard, the floor needs sweeping. There's a broom around here someplace.
Beauregard	Oh, yes, there it is.
Kermit 	Well, well, step on it.
Beauregard	Okay.
 	He steps on it, and it hits him in the face.
Beauregard	Hey, that's a neat trick.
 	
Kermit 	Beauregard, use some elbow grease! (goes onstage)
Beauregard	Elbow grease?
 	He stretches his elbow and notices it's rusty.
Beauregard	Why didn't I think of that?
=="Blue"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	And now, it's an honor to have one of the world's greatest recording stars, and here she is, swinging up a storm at an informal session in the Muppets' private studio, ladies and gentlemen, Helen Reddy!
 	Open on a recording studio. Floyd counts in Helen.
Floyd 	One, two. One, two, three...
 	
 	Helen sings "Blue" as the band backs her up.
Engineer (SW)	Hey, Roger, how's the balance?
Roger 	I think Animal's a little too loud on the drums.
Engineer (SW)	Oh, okay. Hey, Animal. Animal!
 	
 	Animal briefly intensifies his drumming. Helen continues, joined by some backup singers. Animal concludes with a drum solo. Applause.
Waldorf 	You know, if I had a voice like Helen Reddy, I'd never be on The Muppet Show.
Statler 	Right. If you had a voice like Helen Reddy, you'd be in a side show!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	
Kermit 	Ah, hey, very good, Beauregard, it really looks great. You've swept it spotless and polished it, too.
Beauregard	Well, I couldn't find any elbow grease.
Kermit 	I expect not.
Beauregard	So I used axle grease.
 	Kermit slips down the stairs. Gladys passes by and also slips.
Gladys 	(gets up) Brother!
Kermit 	Beauregard, what kind of an idiot are you?
Beauregard	Aw … I didn't know there was a choice.
Kermit 	Floyd, watch out!
Floyd 	Huh? Whoa! (slips and gets up) What a drag.
 	Kermit gets up, then slides over into Beau's arms.
Kermit 	Uh, Beauregard, uh, how do you manage to stay upright?
Beauregard	Well, I'm wearing these special shoes. You want to borrow them?
Kermit 	I don't think I can get anyplace without 'em.
Beauregard	Good.
Kermit 	Okay. (grunts) I got to get my flippers into these slippers.
Beauregard	These are non-slippers.
Kermit 	Yeah. Okay, what is the secret of these miracle shoes?
Beauregard	Oh, there's no secret. I just nailed them to the floor.
 	Kermit teeters.
 	
==Dressing room==
 	Helen puts on lipstick. Animal knocks at the door.
Animal 	Helen!
Swedish Chef	Hëllø! Hëllø?
Helen 	Come in. … Come in!
Animal 	Thank you!
 	
 	Animal and the Chef enter, chattering. They take their positions and sing "Happy Birthday to You".
Helen 	Wait. Wait — there's been some mistake. Today is not my birthday.
 	Animal and the Chef look at each other, and start singing "Jingle Bells" instead.
==Fozzie's dance==
 	Main stage. Beauregard gives a speech.
 	
Beauregard	And so my great Uncle Beauregard said to me, he said, "Beauregard, you go into show business, and you'll clean up." (looks at his mop) You know something? He was right.
Statler 	You're named Beauregard after him?
Beauregard	About forty years after.
Kermit 	Beauregard!
Beauregard	(mops) Oh! I'm working! I'm working.
Kermit 	That's what I was afraid of. Stop that polishing.
Beauregard	But I've only done a little bit.
Kermit 	(shoves) Get off! Off, off, off, off! Uh — and now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to have a brilliant dance number by our own Fozzie Bear and friends. But, uh, excuse me one second. Fozzie?
Fozzie 	Yeah — yeah, what, what?
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, be careful. There's a very slippery place on the stage out here.
Fozzie 	Where is that?
Kermit 	I don't know, it's right around here some-WHA! (slips and falls)
Fozzie 	Thank you.
 	Kermit pulls himself up by the curtain.
Kermit 	Uh, curtain!
 	The curtain drags him away as it opens. An instrumental of "Tea for Two" plays as Fozzie and three Whatnots dance their way onstage.
Fozzie 	Ahaaa. (slips) WHOA! (gets up) Uh, be careful, there's a wet spot right here on the stage.
 	He continues dancing. The Whatnot trio dances behind him.
Fozzie 	Careful. It's right there, it's right there. Terrific, guys. You look great. (slips) WHOA!
 	The trio dances towards the front of the stage. Fozzie tries to steer them clear.
Fozzie 	Uh, guys, be careful, there's a place right here. Watch out, there's a wet place! Watch out, right there!
 	
 	He sees them dance flawlessly over the spot.
Fozzie 	What the...? (slips) WHOA!
 	He tries to form a line with them. He slips, and soon causes them to slip as well.
Fozzie 	Go to the front, I'll go back here. … Hey! Whoa!
 	The scene ends in chaos.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash. (rushes to the desk) Dateline Silver Spring, Maryland. At this very moment, Mr. and Mrs. George Lazer of Silver Spring, are attempting to break the record for over-hand refrigerator throwing, and...
 	CRASH! A refrigerator lands near him.
 	
==UK spot==
 	Rowlf plays Beethoven's "Pathétique." A bust of Beethoven sits upon his piano.
Rowlf 	(hums)
 	
Bust of Beethoven	(snores)
 	Rowlf plays loudly to wake the dozing bust.
Rowlf 	(hums)
Bust of Beethoven	Don't hum.
Rowlf 	Yes, sir.
 	The bust nods off again.
Bust of Beethoven	(snores)
 	Rowlf plays loudly to wake the bust, three times in a row. Applause.
=="You and Me Against the World"==
 	Open on a forest setting. Kermit sits on Helen's lap.
Kermit	You know, Helen, you did a song about, um, oh, I don't know, a few years ago. It's one of my very favorite songs of all time.
Helen 	Really? Which one was it?
Kermit	Well, it was called "You and Me Against the World".
Helen 	Oh, sure. That was a song I did with my daughter.
Kermit	Oh, yeah?
Helen 	Yeah.
Kermit	You did it with your daughter?
Helen 	Mm-hmm.
Kermit	Well, uh, do you suppose that, um, you could do it with a frog?
 	Music swells up.
Helen 	You mean just you and me?
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Helen 	I think so.
 	She and Kermit sing the song.
 	
==Backstage==
Scooter 	Hey, Beau?
Beauregard	Yes, sir?
Scooter 	I see the floors are no longer slippery.
Beauregard	Oh, well, that's probably 'cause Kermit told me to spread a little sand around.
Scooter 	A little sand … somebody ought to teach you the meaning of "a little", though.
 	
 	Zoom out to reveal Scooter waist-deep in sand. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	I don't believe this!
 	A camel enters.
Scooter 	You believe that?
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy examines her stocking on the operating table. Rowlf looks at her leg through a pair of binoculars.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	Hubba hubba.
Miss Piggy	(puts her leg down) Oh! Mmm.
Rowlf 	So, where's the next patient?
Janice 	Oh, right here, Dr. Bob.
 	
Rowlf 	Oh. Oh, look at that. Hey, he looks cold. We'd better turn up the heat.
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, those are not earmuffs he's wearing. He was in the recording studio. Don't you know about headsets?
Rowlf 	Of course. The head sets on the neck, the neck sets on the shoulders. (laughs with Janice)
Miss Piggy	(groans)
Rowlf 	I learned that the first year in doctor class.
Janice 	Dr. Bob, have you forgotten about the patient?
Rowlf 	No, the patient is the one who's sick. I learned that the second year. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	No, Dr. Bob, this patient. He's lost his hearing.
Rowlf 	Well, maybe he dropped it some place. I'll look under the table. What kind was it? A clip on or one of those pierce jobs?
Janice 	Not his earring, his hearing, Dr. Bob. This man can't hear anything.
Miss Piggy	Ehh. He's lucky. I've heard every dumb word.
Rowlf 	Well, let's get these off. (removes the headset) There we go.
Janice 	Can you hear me?
Rowlf 	Of course I can hear you.
Janice 	Not you, him.
Rowlf 	How can I hear him? He hasn't said a word. (laughs)
Janice 	(groans)
Miss Piggy	If Florence Nightingale had to put up with this, she'd have been a waitress.
Rowlf 	Well, I can't do anything about his hearing now. Call me tomorrow.
Janice 	No, Dr. Bob. You're responsible for his ears.
Miss Piggy	Hmm.
Rowlf 	You're right. Call me ear-responsible, call me …
Miss Piggy	(groans)
 	They look up as the announcer speaks.
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf 	Ah … no wonder he can't hear anything. He has a tiny little drum in there, it'll have to come out.
Miss Piggy	No, no, no. That's his ear drum. That stays.
Rowlf 	What about the tiny little piano and bass?
 	He laughs. Piggy and Janice groan.
=="Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport"==
	
	A group of outback Whatnots sing a few choruses of "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" as the entire scenery goes into a hopping frenzy, except for the kangaroo.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Well, uh, no more sand. And the slipperiness is gone. (Rowlf, Janice and Piggy go by) Hey, nice goin', guys! Way to go.
Beauregard	Well, that takes care of the sand.
Kermit 	Yep. And I'm glad to be rid of it.
Beauregard	Yeah, I swept all the sand out of here.
Kermit 	Now, where did you put it?
 	
Beauregard	Next door.
Kermit 	But that's the stage!
Beauregard	… what are we gonna do?
Kermit 	What — what can we do? Uh, get some costumes.
Beauregard	Costumes…
 	Fozzie and Scooter rush to his aid.
Kermit 	Scooter! Get a couple of tents. Fozzie, a palm tree.
Beauregard	(over Kermit) Tents! … Palm tree!
Scooter 	Tents? (shrugs) Tents! Tents! Tents?
Kermit 	And bring back that camel! Camel!
Fozzie 	You're lucky! I just happen to have a palm tree here.
=="We'll Sing in the Sunshine"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, a-and now once again, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star... Uh, are you ready back there?
Voice (FO)	No, we're not ready.
Kermit 	Oh... well, uh, I'll — I'll just tell you something about uh, Helen Reddy.
Voice (FO)	I said we weren't ready.
Kermit 	I wasn't talking to you.
Voice (FO)	Okay, we're ready.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Helen Reddy! Oh, I hope this works!
 	
 	In a desert paradise, Helen performs "We'll Sing in the Sunshine" while dancing with the camel.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Now, we could go on like this for hours, but we've grown to like you, so we'll stop. But not before we say thank you to our wonderful guest star, Helen Reddy. Yaaay!
 	Applause as she comes out.
Helen 	Thank you, Kermit. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed working with a camel.
Kermit 	Oh, you say you enjoyed it?
Helen 	I said I can't tell you that.
 	
Arab (RH)	Psst. Hey, lady... you like him? He's yours.
Helen 	Good grief. What's his name?
Arab (RH)	Sopwith.
Helen 	Sopwith, the camel?
Kermit 	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
 	
 	Statler hits his own hand with a hammer.
Statler 	Just as I thought.
Waldorf 	What's that?
Statler 	After this show, nothing hurts.
 	He hits himself again.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts