L5R - Memoirs of an Opium Eater

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== “MEMOIRS OF AN OPIUM EATER” by Silver Bird ==
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Ninth Day, Month of the Horse ===
It had been several years since I visited Ryoko Owari - but still, its walls upon the hill, and the great jagged stones of the Gate of Oni’s Teeth still made my eyes widen with wonder, just as when I was a girl. 
Uncle Monkey, however, seemed to have shrunk. I did not recall him as being so tiny, so white haired, so frail! He looks like a rice paper kite to be blown away in the lightest wind. He was delighted to see me, as always, and begged me to spend my first night in the city as his guest; although I was eager to see my own home, I couldn’t refuse him.
After a fine supper, he took me out back to his garden. It, at least, has not shrunk! In fact, he has obtained a parcel of land in back of his, leaving his modest home at the front of a large and as always - but he had something else to show me as well. While digging in his garden, he found the stones of an ancient foundation. He told me he used a scroll to speak with the spirits of the stones, and they answered him in a foreign tongue!
Convinced that he had found an ancient site, he has been digging industriously in the area and has unearthed several strange statues. He showed them to me - their craftsmanship is very unusual. They appear very detailed, but strangely stylized - as if they weren’t trying to show the thing they obviously are. He says that they are statues of Naga - women and men who are great serpents below the waist.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Nineteenth Day, Month of the Horse ===
I had tea today with The Quiet Lady, who was kind enough to issue my first invitation in Ryoko Owari.
She was a most thoughtful hostess; despite my social station, she treated me as an equal. She said that Uncle Monkey had been very kind and patient with their daughter during her illness.
There was one awkward moment when I realised that there was only a cup for The Quiet Lady and none for me. I hope I didn’t lose my composure, because for a moment I was sure this was some sort of elaborate insult, that I was going to be used to bring shame to my family. The Quiet Lady was the embarrassed one, however.
“Oh!“ she said. “I’m so sorry; you must not know about our custom of your own cup.”
I of course did not.
“Well, it’s tradition for hosts to allow guests to bring their own cups to meals and visits. In fact, on one visit to Otosan Uchi, one of our local gentlemen - I won’t name names - actually brought out his own cup when having tea with a very prominent Crane official. Now, the Crane was so polite and sincere that she concealed how insulted she must have been at what would be seen as a lack of trust in the host. But you know some clans - they have no appreciation for tradition, and just assume they’ve learned everything there is to know about a thousand years of Rokugani culture. The honoured Phoenix, of course, always recognize that what is appropriate in one place may be insulting in another.”
“Certainly,” I said, though I wasn’t entirely sure what I was agreeing with - I find conversations with
Scorpions and Cranes often affect me that way. “But how did this custom originate?”
“I’m surprised your uncle didn’t tell you - he is quite the historian, yes? In any event, for a while Ryoko Owari was famous for its pottery - this was before the Unicorn started bringing in black ware from the badlands - and it seemed like every noble served as patron for a potter. Well, the Governor of the City had a banquet, and invited everyone to bring a cup from their own potter, so that all the styles could be compared. Since that time, people have often carried their own cups for style or good fortune:’
At the end of our tea, she gave me a lovely porcelain sake cup to welcome me to the city. It’s exquisite, and I’ll always carry it as ‘my’ cup.
==== (Later the same day) ====
I spoke with Uncle Monkey about the cup tradition, and he told me it came from something quite different; according to him, samurai used to sneak over into the Fisherman Quarter to go drinking and wenching, and there were unscrupulous women there who would put drugs into sake and serve it to samurai, stealing their possessions when they fell asleep. According to him, the custom of carrying your own cup has nothing to do with potters, but is instead to protect yourself from poisoning!
I’m not sure if I should believe him or not; I also asked him about the Quiet Lady’s daughter, and he claimed that there was never anything wrong with her. I think I may have misunderstood him, for nobody doubts that the girl is dead. Perhaps he never looked at her at all, and The Quiet Lady simply said he had in order to make me feel more comfortable. Or perhaps he’s become confused in his mind. Or perhaps I’m the confused one, and Quiet Lady lied to me for some reason I’m too simple to grasp.
I fear I shall never understand this city.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty Third Day, Month of the Horse ===
Today I visited an honourable family. Their house is very strange and foreign - the centre is a round dome, with more proper, square edged halls to its side. Around the dome are tall pillars - but not just two to frame the door. I counted a dozen, all identical, fronting a sort of open area - not quite a courtyard, for it had a floor, but not an antechamber because one wall was open to the air, and it had no mats or furnishings. 
The first person to greet me was The Young Master, who had issued my invitation. He was waiting for me by the pillars - how different from my reception by The Quiet Lady, who waited while I was shown into her presence by a servant. The interior of the house was fantastically ornate - it seemed that every surface had some foreign marvel or decoration on it, but I had little chance to examine them because The Young Master was making conversation - asking where I was from, what my homelands were like, how I was adapting to Ryoko Owari. He showed great animation and interest in my answers, saying that the Woodlands of my home sounded wonderful and that someday he would make a visit there. I immediately felt quite at ease with him.
I met his Noble Brother as well, and his parents The Kind Lieutenant and the Kindly Mother of course. 
Their family seems to be a close and affectionate one - very different from the strict norm in Rokugan. I do not know if this was particular to this branch of their family in Ryoko Owari, or if it is a trait of the Unicorn Clan as a whole. While it was very strange, I found it pleasant as well.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Sixteenth Day, Month of the Sheep ===
Today I went to the Temple of the Sun Goddess and was fortunate enough to see a service led by Her Holiness. She is very old, and does not hold services on any regular schedule. She is a tiny woman who moves with such grace and delicacy that she does not seem to walk, but float along. Although I have seen the ceremony she performed hundreds of times in my life, it was as if her very simplicity reinvented it for me. While she was speaking, it felt as if the sunlight was falling on my soul.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Month of the Monkey, First Day of Generosity. ===
This was my first Day of Generosity - a very loud and joyous festival, nothing like the solemn and serious holy days back home. 
The feast is held to show our gratitude for a good tax year, and I certainly am grateful - under the guidance of my Dear Friend, the silver business has been quite profitable, far more so than I had dared hope. 
We were supposed to put names in a basket so one could be picked as a festival ruler - I didn’t want to put in Uncle Monkey’s name - he seems far too shy to enjoy it. I put my own name in, and though I felt a little guilty, I was also excited and hopeful when they drew from the basket. I didn’t get to be Ruler, however - that honour fell to The Young Master.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Month of the Monkey, Second Day of Generosity. ===
I gave Uncle Monkey a silver ring from our finest craftsman, and he gave me one of his peculiar little statues. With each gift you give, you’re also supposed to give something to the King of Generosity - I gave fans with some of my poems written on them. 
For a while I thought I was only going to get a gift from Uncle Monkey, and it made me sad, but then a young man, The Bard gave me a lovely painted umbrella. I wonder if he was planning to give it to me, or just saw that no one else was giving me anything?
The Young Master who was King picked his cousin The Calm Sister as the best giver because she gave small gifts to almost everyone it seemed (though not me). I noticed that she did not pick one of my fans as a trophy, but I probably shouldn’t have expected it.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty First Day, Month of the Monkey ===
Today I was invited to a gathering at The Bards residence. He was a magnificent host, and soon everyone was in a jolly mood. Many were partaking in sake, even though I thought it was early in the day for such things, and I suspect some few were even smoking opium.
The Lout was drinking but not smoking, and he became very aggressive. He began to boast of the fine horse that he had gotten from his father. The Unicorns present looked irked at that - apparently The Louts father got the better of the Unicorn clan in some business deal, and bragging about the horse was The Louts way of insulting them.
The Young Master stood up and said that the finest chef in Rokugan couldn’t make a simple sashimi if all he had was pork. When The Lout asked what he meant by that, The Young Master said that a horse was only as good as its rider.
“I’ll wager you a koku that I can win a race around the entire city. In fact, I’ll bet I can circle the city twice in the time it takes you to ride your horse around it one time.”
The Lout accepted his challenge - on the condition that they raise the stakes. “One koku? That’s a bet for merchants. I’ll stake my steed against yours.”
This was a grand wager indeed, but The Young Master simply took a draw from his pipe and said "As you wish.”
There was great commotion and much discussion as to how the race was to be monitored, and it was settled as follows:
Miss Virtue watched the Gate of Oni’s Teeth, where the race was to begin.
The Sensei volunteered to watch the Unicorn Gate and ensure that both contestants were outside the walls at that point. The contestants would be allowed to enter at the Unicorn Gate and cross the Moment’s Edge Bridge.
The Trickster was placed at the Fisherman’s Gate to watch for both contestants to emerge (thus preventing a shortcut to the Bridge of Drunken Lovers). It was decided that the Peasant’s Gate would be a permissible point of return to the city, so the contestants would not have to go through the Leatherworker Quarter.
The two men looked magnificent as they lined their horses up. The Louts steed was enormous, black as a winter night, with only a white star on its head and white bands by its hooves to break up the darkness. The Young Masters steed was smaller but still large - the colour of honey, deepening into a flame auburn mane and tail.
When they took off, it looked like a sunrise chasing the night, The race began exactly at noon, and The Lout made an early lead, flogging his steed without mercy. He did not look completely comfortable, however, since he had consumed a great deal of crab water. 
When they were out of sight, we immediately made our way towards the Bridge of the Dragon, for there we had a fine view of the cliffs bottom by the river. 
There was much discussion as we watched for the racers to emerge from the Little Gate. It was agreed that The Young Master was the better rider, but to circle the city twice before The Lout could do so once seemed impossible.
It was The Young Master we saw first - but not at the Little Gate! He had ridden past the Peasant’s Gate, through the Leatherworker Quarter and, to the cheers of his family, swam his horse across the river!
There was much discussion of how much time The Young Master must have saved, swimming his horse across instead of taking one of the bridges - which of course, we now realized, would be very congested. 
Our conjectures were all for nothing when we saw The Lout ride forth - also from the Leatherworker Quarter. Later, I learned that The Trickster had told him of The Young Master’s shortcut around the Moment’s Edge Bridge. The Lout looked very ill, but also determined. His horse balked and reared as he reached the river, but The Lout struck it with his whip and it entered just as The Young Master emerged from the Leatherworker Quarter for the second time.
The Young Master’s horse plunged into the water without hesitation, and it was clearly more calm in the water. Before our eyes, The Young Master passed The Lout, to the loud cheers of the Unicorns. Then the cheers turned to gasps; just as The Young Master reached the shore, The Lout was swept from his horse.
Hearing our cries, The Young Master looked. He immediately turned his steed and entered the water again, reaching out for the younger samurai. The Young Master pulled his opponent to shore. It appeared that he was going to dismount to help him, but The Lout pushed him away and staggered towards his horse. The Young Master shrugged, turned his own steed around, and began galloping south. The Lout followed.
We all mounted up and made our best speed towards the Gate of Oni’s Teeth, but even though our steeds were fresh, we still were unable to beat The Young Master. We arrived just as The Lout charged through the gate. We could see that he had lost by a minute at most.
Both men were panting, but The Young Master, smiling, gave The Lout a deep bow. 
‘Truly, I do believe your steed is the better; I never would have won without trickery.”
The Lout was silent, then closed his eyes, opened them and said, “My clan has always held that ‘trickery’ is just a word people use for when they envy another’s idea. This fine steed is now yours.”
“I cannot take it,” The Young Master said. “Having seen how well you ride, I would not separate you.”
The Lout offered twice more. The Young Master finally said he would take the steed only if The Lout would be mortified otherwise, but that he genuinely thought the horse and The Lout belonged together. 
The Lout blinked, and in the end, kept the horse. The two rode off together, The Lout scratching his head.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty Fourth Day, Month of the Rooster ===
There is a great stir throughout the city today; The Kind Lieutenant and Her Highness have announced a union of their families!
The Bard told me all about it - he was very excited, his face was flushed with pleasure and he was hard put to avoid grinning like a fool. He explained to me that there has been bad feeling between the two families for a long time - one felt that the other did not accept them, while the other regarded them as pushy outsiders. This marriage will put all that to the lie; no one would give her beloved daughter to a “foreigner.”
The Bard even mentioned that he might want me to write words for a song to commemorate the occasion. I told him I would be most honoured. I meant what I said - I hope he wasn’t just being polite. 
Everyone is so happy; it’s like a second spring over the whole city. The Bard has invited me to accompany him this evening to celebrate.
==== (later) ====
The evening was delightful! The Bard and I sailed out to Teardrop Island on a small, elegant skiff.
There I met the bride-to-be - Her Highness’s daughter The Princess , a woman of great loveliness and grace. She was very quiet and demure when I congratulated her on her match - I hope I didn’t inadvertently give offence.
The intended groom, The Young Master was a contrast to his bride, being jolly and somewhat brash. By the time we joined his party, he was already blushing - with drink or emotion, I could not say. One thing he had in common with The Princess was the blessing of Benten - they will surely have beautiful children. 
This was the first time I went to Teardrop Island, and I was afraid at first but all my apprehensions were silly and groundless. The Licensed Quarter is not the seedy, furtive place I had been told of - it was beautiful, glamorous, joyful. If such happiness is dishonourable, then what is the point of life?
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, First Day,Month of the Dog ===
Who knew the-world was big enough to hold so many wonders? The Princess took me to the House of Foreign Stories for my first time today, and I was overwhelmed. I had never been to a geisha house before, let alone one run by a gaijin!
The woman who runs the House is That Slut and I find it hard to imagine that even the Shadowlands could hold anyone with a more outrageous appearance. Her hair is the colour of gold, and seems to naturally curl and coil like the body of a snake or the tail of a pig. Her nose is almost absurdly high from her face, and her chin is long and pointed. The bones beneath her eyes are so prominent that her entire face looks like a triangle. Her eyes are her most amazing feature, however; the colour of a clear sky, they are huge and round as coins. She was dressed in an outlandish outfit of crimson silk - billowing trousers like hakama, only strangely tight around her feet, which were bare except for rings of gold on her toes. She wore no robe, but only a sort of vest or shirt that left her stomach exposed to the gaze of any who passed by.The Princess and I drank a strange beverage made from foreign fruit - it was sweet and tart, not harsh at all, but soon it made me giggly and dizzy like sake. Then That Slut started to speak, and everyone was silent.
She spun out an incredible tale of her homeland, far beyond the Burning Sands, where it is winter for half the year and the mountain tops have ice on them that hasn’t melted since time began. She says that in her homeland there are giant wolves the size of houses, with tusks like a boar, only as long as a man is tall, and that her family hunted these creatures. Then she told about her travels across the Burning Sands; she said her caravan was attacked by men who rode giant birds, bigger than a horse. She was afraid they would be overcome, but their Unicorn guide had made a deal with a group of mujina, who distracted and confused the bird riders until the caravan was safe. In return, their guide had to tell the mujina stories every night for a week.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Seventeenth Day, Month of the Dog ===
There was a great celebration today for the birthday of the Prince. Every noble in the city attended, dressed in their finest garments. It was a magnificent sight.
I was paid a pretty compliment by an older man in Crane clan colours. He told me he had read several of my poems and was deeply touched by their sincere sentiments. I was so flustered that I didn’t even think to get his name. I later found out he was The Inspector - Ryoko Owari’s Emerald Magistrate!
I wonder if he has shown my verses to the Emerald Champion? That could get them read by the Emperor himself!
But I’m surely being a foolish little girl if I raise my hopes so high... but shouldn’t one hope for the best?
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty Third Day, Month of the Dog ===
Today I had a disturbing encounter with a man called The Trickster, who is one of The Inspector’s assistants. I was at the silver smithy visiting my Dear Friend when he entered and began regarding one of our decorated lacquer boxes. He stated his admiration of it in no uncertain terms, but seemed unwilling to haggle with my Dear Friend or meet our price.
Then he implied that a shop with so many precious things was always in danger of robbery. I said I had utmost confidence in the vigilance of the magistrates. Fondling the box, he looked right in my eyes and told me that a happy magistrate, with fine things to be proud of, is more vigilant. I was dumbfounded by such open corruption and simply played the simpleton until he left in disgust.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty-Sixth Day, Month of the Dog ===
Just last month, a wedding was announced between The Princess and The Young Master. Today a much less important wedding has been announced, but it is still a sweet one.
I had met The Smith only once before, and he had made a singular impression. For the most part he is unremarkable; a heavy man with a red nose and a moustache whose style was much in fashion two years ago.
Most remarkable was his right leg, which was apparently cut off under the knee while he was in the Shadowlands. (No one knows just how, though there is much speculation.) He apparently amuses himself by building elaborate replacements. Not content with a simple peg, the leg he wore when first we met had an arrangement of springs to cushion his weight while he walked. Furthermore, it was elaborately decorated with a spider web motif, and with each step, a mechanical spider would crawl through the webs of his leg. It looked frightfully clever, but I did not want to look too closely.
In any event, today he announced that he had arranged a marriage with a young woman of the Sparrow clan, who is expected in town within a week. He received many congratulations; today his leg was an elaborate birdcage with a live bird singing inside.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Eighth Day, Month of the Pig ===
I am no longer the newest samurai in Ryoko Owari, though from the behaviour of the newcomer one would hardly think her noble. I call her The Rat, and she has the sharp face and wiry body of a rat or a street noodle vendor. Her actions do little to dispel either impression. 
She is pushy, she leers, she insinuates, she is patently insincere in her flattery, she is too bold and too familiar, and worst of all she seems to care for little other than commerce. Has there ever been such a dull and tiresome woman before in the history of life? Surely not. There is no doubt in my mind that she is some sort of nadir.
=== Nineteenth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Eleventh Day, Month of the Pig ===
This evening I had a disturbing conversation with The Prince. We were in the House of the Morning Star and he was sitting at the next table, smoking and apparently listening to Sparkles sing. However, when The Bard and The Young Master left my table briefly, he turned to me and smiled.
I’ll admit, I felt a flutter of nervousness; he is a very handsome man, and his mask - more of a diadem - does nothing to hide it.
“Why don’t you smoke?” he asked me.
“I don’t like it,” I said - blushing, I’m sure.
“You mean you haven’t tried it.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because everyone who tries it likes it.” 
I had no answer to that, so I tried to change the subject. ‘Are you an admirer of Sparkles? She sings so prettily.”
“I thought all Phoenix were shugenja,” he said. ‘Are you? Do you traffic with ‘unseen powers’, spirits and ancestors?”
“No, I... don’t,”
“I’m sorry. I’ve hurt your feelings, haven’t I?”
Looking back on it, is it possible that he knew I had left school? It is said the Scorpions are the masters of secrets, but he seemed genuinely sorry to have hurt my feelings.
“It’s not important,” I said.
“It is very important to me if I have wounded you unknowing,” he said seriously. “What have you heard about the Scorpion? That we hoard our venom, biding our time for a deadly strike? But that is only one side. 
Because our weapons - the weapons of the heart - are so dangerous, we must be cautious to keep them sheathed until used.”
“I’m not sure I understand... ”
‘The Crane operate with the promise of happiness; we operate on the threat of pain. Yet we must be kinder than the Crane until the time for cruelty comes; otherwise, our punishment means nothing.”
His eyes were fixed on mine - deep and intense, and for a second I thought I saw in them a bottomless sorrow. I felt, for a moment, what it must mean to be him - every kindness regarded with suspicion, every accidental slight read as deliberate. No chance of trust and little of forgiveness. I could imagine no worse fate.
Then The Young Master and The Bard returned. The Prince’s face became blank as a mask and he returned to his pipe. The Bard furrowed his brow, but said nothing until later. Then he told me to be careful around The Prince.
“The Scorpion values purity only to the extent that he can soil it,” he said.
I nodded, but in my heart I wondered. Is it mad to think that the polluted might envy the clean?
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, First Day, Month of the Rat ===
While at the New Year’s celebration today, I heard the most scandalous rumor. The Angry Sister told me that many claim the Governor’s lover is none other than her own brother in law - The Dutiful One! I was shocked, and insisted that it could not be true, but The Angry Sister only sneered at me and told me to watch them when they were together.
It is true that The Dutiful One and the Governor seem very comfortable with each other - he is less formal with her than anyone other than her own son. Yet there did not seem to be any of the longing glances one expects between secret lovers. Still, if they have been... entangled... for many years, it might be that they can hide it well. And if anyone could conceal such a thing, it would be the Scorpion…
But what if The Angry Sister is playing me for a fool? Perhaps I am to be her “little sister” in this and spread a baseless rumour on her behalf. It is clear to me that she hates the whole Scorpion clan, though I cannot say why.
Perhaps it is best to keep my own counsel on this matter.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Second Day, Month of the Ox ===
When I woke up this morning, I had such a pain in my head that I was afraid I would die. Then I hoped I would die. Then I became afraid that I wouldn’t die. Apparently I overindulged in crab water during the Liberation Day festival.
I remembered that The Reveller had said the best cure for such suffering was to steam out the toxins, so I visited the bath house.
So debilitated was I that I didn’t even realize that the woman settling into the pool with me was The Theorist - it helped not a bit that both of us were wearing those ridiculous gauze masks. An idiotic custom, but one that must not be transgressed or even called into question (like bowing, adultery and all venerable customs). Before I knew what was what she had entangled me in a long, rambling discussion of her theory about how the Crab forces were really ejected from Ryoko Owari. According to her there was a great conspiracy (of course) of sake merchants, geishas (or people pretending to be geisha - though who would bother to pretend such a thing is quite beyond my imagination) and similar lesser people who simply corrupted the Crab soldiers until they were too weak to hold the city. Naturally there was a mastermind behind all this - she said, with no hint of jest in her voice, that she wasn’t sure if it was the ninja or the secret cult of Lord Moon.
In my kindest voice, I told her that I wished my poems had half the creativity of her “theories”. She took it as a compliment, which just shows she can’t be nearly as perceptive as she believes herself to be. 
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Thirteenth Day, Month of the Ox ===
The Smith has caused much comment by marrying his intended after a courtship of not even three months. Considering the year that The Princess and The Young Master are taking, he appears unfashionably hasty. Yet his explanation - “I feel that every day I delay our marriage is one I regret remaining unmarried,” struck me as terribly sweet and sincere.
I must say I don’t think much of her; I’ve named The Mouse, for she seems as shy and timid as a little mouse. Also, sadly, as drab. I met her only once, when she first arrived, and nothing she did gave the impression that she would kindle such passion in the armoured breast of a Crab. But who can comprehend the mystery of love?
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty-Eighth Day, Month of the Ox ===
It’s been a cold, ugly day. The snow has been on the ground long enough to pick up the stains of mud and horse urine. The Young Master wanted to go to the Licensed Quarter, and would not be dissuaded. Bored, I agreed to go as well, and begged him to invite The Bard. Soon, a great group of us had gathered, and were waiting impatiently while servants chopped our boats free of ice for the short sail to the island.
As I mentioned before, there is a large man called The King of Nowhere who guards the entry to the Floating World; a samurai cannot reach the Licensed District from the dock without going through his shop, which is called “Swords Polished.” Similarly, you cannot leave his shop unless you’ve left your weapons with him - along with a sum of money to polish them. I know that this is simply a ruse to allow samurai to surrender the swords of their grandfathers without losing face - but I’m told that he (or an assistant) actually does polish the swords, and does a fine job of it too.
Today I realized something that I guess I must have seen before, but never really thought about. 
There is a strange attitude between King of Nowhere and the visitors to the island. King of Nowhere is a ronin, but he doesn’t act like one - he is not diffident (like some) or sly (like others) and he lacks the habit of shame that most ronin seem to instinctively possess. He carries himself well; not with the arrogant pride of a young duelist, but like an old general. My noble friends all respond to this like pups around a grand hunting hound; they are respectful, almost humble. He always looks everyone in the eye, and sometimes they are afraid to meet his.
He behaves as if he is the Governor of Teardrop Island, and Swords Polished is his estate. 
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Nineteenth Day, Month of the Tiger ===
Today I went on the hunt I mentioned with The Noble Brother, his brother The Young Master and The Princess. Both The Princess and I were of course no match for the brothers when it came to riding, so at one point we found ourselves riding alone as the two men pursued a fox.
“I am glad The Noble Brother asked you along,” The Princess said. “The last time I went hunting with them I was also left behind, but had no company at all?
“It gladdens my heart to hear it.”
We rode through the woods in companionable silence for a “He seems to be a fine man,” I said. 
Behind her butterfly mask, her eyelids fluttered. “Do you think his father may be considering you as his wife?” she asked, with a coy smile.
“I’m sure I don’t know,” I said. “My, what a blunt question! I thought you Scorpions were supposed to be subtle.”
“There are many, many people in the Scorpion clan, and not all of us are alike. Besides, soon I will be in the Unicorn clan, and they are not subtle at all. I’m just practising.”
We laughed. “Is this your plot, then?” I asked. “You’re trying to arrange a sister in law who’s to your liking?” She just smiled a little.
‘The Noble Brother has many fine qualities,” I said at last. “He gives every appearance of being honourable, serious, a dutiful son... ”
“Yes,” she said. “He is all those things. And do not forget thoughtful, like his mother. Gentle and kind as well - in that he takes after his father 
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were going to wed the wrong brother!”
When I said that, she laughed and laughed.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty First Day, Month of the Tiger ===
How embarrassing! I woke up today in my home, with no idea how I got here!
Last night I went to a celebration of The Young Master’s birthday, where I fear I indulged far too much in sake and opium. I know it’s not good for me, but I feel so bored ... no, lonesome at gatherings where everyone is drinking but me. So I have a drink.
And that loosens my mind until a second drink seems reasonable. 
After a second drink, opium becomes appealing.
I remember that progression from last night - but after that is just a blank. However, my servant told me that a letter was left with me by the woman who left me here.
The letter simply said “You must be very sad to wish to lose yourself so. I wish I could help you with your sorrow.” It was signed with Miss Virtue’s chop.
I’m filled with shame. Miss Virtue is as high above me as the clouds are above the bottom of the ocean.
Not only is she of high station, and beautiful, but it is widely held that her honour is above reproach. Her samurai-ko vows include an oath of celibacy. I’ve heard that many men have tested her - the rumors say The
Villain and The Man of Two Minds have both made advances, and been rebuffed.
From now on, I am going to take her as my standard. She is only a few years older than me. Like me, she lives by herself, far from ancestral lands, in a city with few people from her clan. If she can live a life of such exceptional virtue, then I can surely avoid drunkenness and opium, and lead a life of normal virtue at least.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty-Second Day, Month of the Rabbit ===
I am so adrift in conflicting thoughts that I cannot believe the tranquil void described by Shinsei can exist anywhere. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder that my face has not changed, for I am certainly not the same woman who rose this morning, put on her robe, and set out determined to win the love of a man.
Have I done it? Certainly not the way I hoped, nor even the man I hoped. Yet who would not envy me? I set my net for a musician and snared the son of a Governor!
Everyone at `’s birthday celebration agreed that the poem I read to him was beautiful, poignant, elegant. Everyone smiled, except for The Prince and The Bard.
The Bard frowned, and The Prince only looked a little sad, a little wise. This showed me that only they understood. Only they knew what I was really offering in that poem, and to whom I wanted it given. 
Naturally everyone surrounded The Bard, and he was too much of a gentleman to ruin my hopes in front of everyone else.
It was torment, but a beautiful torment. Fear of his rejection wrestled in my heart with hope that he would know that he would tell me he felt the same, that he would love me. I knew it couldn’t be so, but until I heard the words, I had hope.
He found a way. He snuck away and sent his cousin, serious faced The Noble Brother, to fetch me. The Bard broke my heart quickly. I could only stare at him as he spoke; at that moment I saw too clearly the pouches beneath his eyes, the beginnings of a belly his robe could not hide, the thick veins on his hands. At that moment, he was beautiful to me still, and he would not look at me. He fled as I wept. 
That was how The Prince found me. I was so ashamed, and so afraid. Never in my life had I been weaker, and I had been taught that the Scorpion’s nature is to torment the weak, to take an injured heart and cripple it, so that it can be possessed.
The Prince said nothing, but he knelt and held me. I sobbed and sobbed, and his patience was boundless, his kindness without limit. Finally I regained enough of my composure to speak, and I thanked him, and begged his pardon for making a scene. When I said it, I could see his eyes redden with tears.
“Even in your suffering, you apologize,” he said with a smile. I laughed a little, but I couldn’t for long. 
The tears came again, and I asked The Prince, “Why? Why doesn’t he love me?”
“Because he is a musician, a poet. He deals with stories, which are nothing but lies. Beautiful lies, but still false. Can he ever appreciate something so genuine? Something flawless and naked as your love?”
I started to cry again.
“I am a soldier and a Scorpion,” he said softly. “I know lies ... know them intimately. They do not beguile me, they can make no claim on my heart. I know truth when I see it, and it is only truth that I can love?
As he said these words, he gently stroked my hair.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty- Eighth Day, Month of the Rabbit ===
I will never return to the Temple of Daikoku, even if I grow so old as to outlive mountains! I have never been so insulted and doubt I ever shall be again. What sort of deformed soul repays gratitude with malice?
This morning I went to give thanks for my good fortune, and as I left the temple, I saw the abbot himself. He was smiling, but as I bowed to him and gave him my name, his smile vanished.
“I have come to show my gratitude,” I told him, “For I have been blessed by Daikoku with wealth.”
“You are wrong,” he said, and his voice was as flat as his eyes.
“You have been given Daikoku’s curse.”
Naturally, I was taken aback. “Curse? But ... but I’ve been lucky! I’ve made a great deal of money since I came here!"
‘That is the curse; wealth unearned brings only misfortune to a weak soul."
“But how can wealth be a curse?”
Instead of answering my question, he reached into a pouch and pulled out a heavy roll of copper coins.
With all his might, he flung it at me. I cried out, and he pulled out another roll. I started to run, as he hurled roll after roll at my back.
“Wealth is only a reward to those who know how to spend as wisely as they can earn! Learn this lesson, or Daikoku’s curse will put you in your grave!”
I am mottled with bruises. The Prince is going to complain to the magistrate.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Thirteenth Day, Month of the Dragon ===
A strange but amusing thing happened this evening at the House of Foreign Stories. I was drunk of course, but not so drunk that I might have imagined it. Besides, drink dulls my mind, and it would have taken all my mental might to lift the weight of a concept as unlikely as The Tyrant in love.
I had stepped away from my table and was proceeding towards the necessary room when The Tyrant emerged from the shadows and gripped my arm. At first I thought she was holding me steady (I was stumbling a bit) and thanked her, but then her face showed that her interest certainly was not my aid.
“Can I help you, magistrate?” I said at last.
“You can help yourself, little bird. You’re out of your depth; best swim to shore before you drown.”
“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. Is this a criminal matter?”
“If it is, you will be the victim.”
“Huh?” I must confess that since coming to Ryoko Owari, I have become much more open about confessing confusion in conversations. Nothing seems to exasperate extremely clever and subtle people as when you simply fail to understand. Then they’re forced to say what they were trying to hide with all their cleverness. (Though I never thought of The Tyrant as particularly clever.)
In any event, instead of speaking she grabbed my instrument and held it under my face.
‘This,’’ she said. “I could ruin you with this. Humiliate your family, sully your name, get you cuffed for a month... ”
“So? You could do the same to almost everyone here. Why me?”
And then her eyes flicked to The Prince.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Having been the victim of hopeless love for so long, it was easy to see it on the face of another.
“The Prince? You want me stay away from The Prince?”
Even in the shadows, I could see her blush.
‘A Scorpion and a Phoenix ... it’s no good. He’ll only toy with you and leave you a dead, heartless husk.”
“So you’re threatening to have me cuffed because you’re concerned that he’ll break my heart? How strange ... Perhaps it’s because you want him for yourself?”
Her hand was tightening on my arm, but I was too drunk to do more than notice. I’m sure it will hurt tomorrow.
‘Why don’t you just tell him?” I asked. I’ll admit it, I was taunting her - I liked knowing this dangerous, powerful woman was as much of a fool over love as I had been. Perhaps I should have shown that Phoenix kindness The Prince talks about, but all I had to offer her was venom. “You’re afraid, aren’t you? You don’t know what he sees in me, and you’re afraid to have him tell you.
You’re afraid he’ll laugh. Aren’t you? And even if you were brave enough, you couldn’t come out and say it because that’s so obvious. So plain. So crude and unsophisticated. Not like a Scorpion at all, is it, to love someone and just tell them?”
She said nothing. Her breath was harsh and ragged, and I could see her veil shake.
“So why not arrest me?” I asked. “It would be the perfect way to show your love, Scorpion style, right? Affection through aggression? ‘I love you, so I’ll destroy what you love? Then maybe you’ll love me instead? Is that how courtship works in your clan?”
“Be quiet,” she whispered.
“But why? I’m just trying to figure out Scorpion love. As you know, I’m involved with it ... intimately?
“You Phoenix and your ‘understanding,”’ she hissed. “You’re not nearly as clever as you think.” Then she let go and slunk away.
I had to laugh. Apparently I’m ‘clever‘ now.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Sixteenth Day, Month of the Dragon ===
In the House of the Morning Star this evening, I saw the most pathetic and disgusting spectacle - yet also a monstrously funny one. It was The Clown, the cousin of the Investigator, and he was drunk as a prawn in a barrel of sake.
The Clown has a superficial resemblance to his cousin, but only in the sense that a goblin resembles a proper man. Where The Inspector is a bit stout, The Clown is so fat his belly makes rolls beneath his robes. It is not just his flab that makes him ridiculous, however; he dresses so garishly that he’d make a colour-blind Unicorn chuckle. On top of all that, he fancies himself a man of culture and refinement, when he in fact has not the fraction of a tithe of his cousin’s elegance and intelligence.
In him we have the perfect puppet of a buffoon, and tonight we saw him in a most amusing farce. 
Drunk, as I said, and mooning for the love of a geisha called Trouble. A hinin, she still is too wise to submit to
The Clown’s embraces when he’s sober. Drunk, he’s simply too monstrous a spectacle for any but the most debased of prostitutes.
Thus we find drunk The Clown kneeling on the ground before her door, proclaiming his undying passion between hiccups. What he did not see was that Trouble was, in fact, outside her chamber with the rest of us.
Her next action was so bold and brazen that it was all we could do to keep our laughter inside. While
The Clown moaned and slobbered before her door, she slipped out the back, and soon had returned with a young geisha simply called Syrup.
Now, Syrup is not skilled in the arts of conversation or music, and furthermore has a long face that would be more handsome on a mare than a woman.
Trouble had changed robes with Syrup - and I must now add that Syrup was a full head taller than the other woman, so Trouble’s fine and colourful robe looked tiny and ridiculous on her - and Trouble was begging Syrup to lie with The Clown and pretend to be her (that is, pretend to be Trouble). Syrup was not eager, and said she’d be discovered, but Trouble begged, and swore The Clown was far too drunk to know the difference. 
Then she pushed many coins into Syrup’s hands until Syrup said she would try.
I cannot even bring myself to imagine what happened when Syrup went into Oko’s room with The Clown.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Seventeenth Day, Month of the Dragon ===
Today my Dear Friend mentioned that The Clown came to the silver smithy today and purchased an expensive comb from our finest craftsman. She said that he never stopped smirking and said that it was for a beautiful lady who had finally accepted his love for her. 
Poor Syrup!
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty-Second Day, Month of the Dragon ===
The Prince told me the truth about The Sad Lady’s Daughter today. She was a beautiful girl - even as a young child, it could be seen what a great beauty she would be someday. She was so beautiful that she didn’t like to wear her mask, and defied Scorpion tradition by going about with her face naked. 
One of the servants of the Bayushi family became enamoured with her when she was only thirteen, so he poisoned the household with opium and carried the girl off while everyone else slept. When her parents awoke to find her gone, they immediately set out to find her. Because her kidnapper was only a heimin, he was quickly discovered in his hiding place - but by then the damage had been done.
The heimin had tried to force himself upon the girl as soon as she awoke, but she fought him off. Then he swore he’d starve her until she was too weak to resist. Terrified by this threat, she took her fingernails and clawed her own beautiful face until it was a mass of blood and injury; after that, no man would want her. This saved her from the heimin‘s vile embraces, but when she was rescued, she was deeply saddened by her lost beauty. She felt that The Princess was punishing her for not wearing her mask, and eventually she killed herself.
This certainly explains why The Quiet Lady had told me her daughter had died of illness! I asked The Prince why Uncle Monkey had said there was nothing wrong with Omoto, and he told me that Uncle Monkey had been the only one who was too kind to turn away from her when she was deformed. Uncle Monkey even offered to marry her, even though he was then old enough to be her grandfather. He was deeply saddened when she killed herself. The Prince made me swear to never bring the subject up with Uncle Monkey again - he said it would hurt the old man too deeply. Of course I promised him, and told him that I wouldn’t have brought it up even if I hadn’t promised.
He kissed me then and told me how deeply he envied the natural kindness of my clan.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty-Eighth Day, Month of the Dragon ===
I’m outraged! Today my Dear Friend informed me that the merchant Toad - a disgusting lickspittle working for The Rat - has been selling jewellery that uses patterns and motifs from my craftsmen! Not only is he stealing their ideas, he uses cheap copper and adulterated silver, and is putting them on caravans - hoping people will mistake them for the real thing! 
My worst suspicions of him are confirmed. I can’t very well go to The Tyrant - I know what kind of reception I’d get there. The Inspector is unlikely to care about a strictly merchant complaint. I’ve asked The Prince for advice. He just smiled and told me not to worry about it.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty-Ninth Day, Month of the Dragon ===
Today a group of The Prince’s Thunder Guards went into The Toad’s shop and “accidentally” knocked over the cases holding the jewellery with stolen designs. Apparently the merchant began complaining loudly, and got a few teeth knocked out for his trouble.
I don’t know ... while I‘m glad that the problem is settled, I wish The Prince had found a more subtle way to fix things. But I suppose the threat of violence only works when there’s genuine violence behind it. He tells me that all of Rokugan’s social order is based on violence - and I find it difficult to argue against him.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Ninth Day, Month of the Snake ===
The Young Master is dead and the whole city grieves. I heard it from The Clown, and initially hoped it was just a rumour, but then more said the same thing. 
He was found in an upstairs room of the Morning Star, pipe by his side. There was an empty sake cup by his hand, bottles ...
The Clown said that he had been drinking liquid void as well.
==== (later the same day) ====
I’ve been crying, and trying to write a memorial poem to him. I can’t write a thing. I wet my inkstone with tears, but all I see is a black smudge. All I can think is that this meaningless death could easily have been my own.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Eleventh Day, Month of the Snake ===
Today when I was walking with The Prince I saw The Angry Sister glaring at him when she didn’t think we could see, and then she spat on the ground towards his back! I know she is sad about her cousin - we all are - but this was the first time I realized the political repercussions of The Young Master’s death.
I looked back in my book to when the union was announced - it seems like decades ago; I was a child at heart, instead of an old woman ... but even I could grasp the politics. The Young Master’s death has shamed his family, proving them to be crude and honourless rubes as the Scorpion suspected. 
If that day was a second spring, this is a second winter.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twelfth Day, Month of the Snake ===
Today was The Young Master’s funeral. It was the largest grouping of nobles I have seen in Ryoko Owari since the Days of Generosity.
The Kind Lieutenant ’s eyes were as red as raw salmon from crying over his son. His wife was even worse. She could not even restrain herself during the shugenja’s prayers. Tears streamed down her face and her whole body shook, even as she tried to remain still.
The Kind Lieutenant would not let The Trickster into the funeral! I happened to arrive at the same time, and I saw The Trickster halt as The Kind Lieutenant put up his arm.
“You are not welcome here,” The Kind Lieutenant said.
“I come only to pay my respects to a fallen friend,” The Trickster said.
“You were no friend to my son,” The Kind Lieutenant said. ‘And if he had known that he would live still.”
The Trickster’s eyes got wide and his mouth twisted.
“Me? You blame me for your son’s death?” Even though I never completed my training, I still have some sense for the unseen powers, and I could feel The Trickster drawing them in. Then The Kind Lieutenant’s eyes flashed accusation, and I could feel a strong surge of power from him as well.
“Don’t tempt me,” The Kind Lieutenant said. “Spilling your blood would ease my pain, but I would not have it mingled with that of my son.”
People were turning to look. Perhaps it was the ice in The Kind Lieutenant ’s voice. Perhaps the power the two men were drawing was so great that even the uninitiated could feel it. The Trickster turned and left, 
The Kind Lieutenant ’s glare at his back.
Poor man. If he blames The Trickster for The Young Master’s death, he is truly blind. Equal guilt could fall on most of the funeral guests.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Seventeenth Day, Month of the Snake ===
That pointy-nosed little rodent The Rat today told a piece of gossip to me - it was a bald attempt to gain my confidence. If I weren’t so sad I could almost find it in my heart to pity The Rat. Certainly she has few friends, but she has only her own odious habits to blame. 
In any event, she told me that she saw The Kindly Mother at the grave of her son, sobbing and pouring something from a bowl onto the ground. After The Kindly Mother left, The Rat went to see and said it looked like there had been blood mixed in with water and some other things.
I asked Uncle Monkey if he had heard anything about it - I’ll admit, the story sounded like black magic to me - and he was concerned enough to visit the grave. 
When he saw whose grave it was, he nodded and told me he had heard of something similar. 
It seems that in the northlands, when a child dies before its parent, the parent makes a soup that contains the parent’s own blood, and pours it on the grave to feed the child’s ghost and settle it. It is supposed to apologize to the child for not dying first.
When I thought of cheerful Shikibu piercing her skin to make soup for The Young Master’s ghost, I started weeping and could not stop until I got to my instrument. Since her son died, I have not seen her in public at all.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Twenty-Eighth Day, Month of the Snake ===
I have just returned from a visit to the bath house but I still feel dirty. I was a fool to think that hot water could wash away a pollution that comes from the inside, that spreads through my body with every beat of my deceiving heart.
I do not love The Prince. I never did and I do not want to. My heart belongs only to The Bard, and it was his arms that were meant to hold me. 
My father once told me that oath-breaking was a double sin. It is a sin against the person to whom the promise is made, because you have disappointed and betrayed them. But he told me that I would also be sinning against myself, by being the kind of person who would break an oath. He told me that while a lie might seem to make things easier in the moment, I would only be borrowing trouble; not just because the lie might be discovered, but because each lie would weaken my spirit and make me less able to see the truth.
My father was so wise, and I was a fool not to listen. My lies blinded me to the truth of my own heart. 
Only by breaking my promise to my parents, only by giving myself away, did I realize whose love I truly want - and no longer deserve.
If I become pregnant, I wonder if The Prince will marry me. 
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, First Day, Month of the Horse ===
Today I saw the most singular and disturbing thing. I was in the market on the way to visit my Dear Friend, when I heard a great commotion. A heimin dashed around a corner and shoved me rudely out of the way, but before I could even shout, a horse had turned the corner at full gallop.
Riding the horse was The Inspector. He had a long horse whip in his hand, and when he had closed the distance, he struck the heimin and knocked him to the ground. The heimin tried to stand, but The Inspector’s horse reared and made as if to trample him, and he fell back. The Inspector leapt to the ground and grabbed the criminal by the arm.
I didn’t see what he did next, because The Inspector’s two chief retainers, The Trickster and The Mountain rode up then, panting. They too dismounted, and soon the criminal’s hands were cuffed behind his back.
I supposed then that they would carry him off to the Civil Hall, but they did not. Instead, The Inspector said something to The Mountain, and the criminal turned pale. The Mountain got a rope from his saddlebags while The Inspector put his hands to his mouth and called out “Gather round! Come, all of you! Behold - the fearsome ninja!“.
As he said that, his prisoner gave a great groan - and well he should, for The Mountain had tied a rope to his handcuffs and looped the other end around the drain of an overhanging roof. As The Inspector called us to watch, The Mountain pulled the rope and hauled the man into the air by his wrists, which were bound behind his back. ‘This is the man who burgled the house of The Rat!” the magistrate cried. “Now you can see the face of the ninja you fear!“ With that, he took his whip and gave the man a ferocious lash.
“Where are his vanishing tricks now? His miraculous escapes? His supernatural powers?” With each question, The Inspector lashed the prisoner, who cried out piteously. The Inspector’s face got redder each time he shouted and struck.
“One would think he was no more than a man! A man who thought he was clever! A man who broke into the home of his betters, and robbed them, full of contempt for the Emperor and his laws! A man sure that he would get away! Well, good people, let me assure you - he will not escape this time!“ He had been punctuating each statement with a blow, and with this last statement he flew into a veritable frenzy, lashing the man until he was flecked with blood like a rain-dappled pond. He only stopped when he was winded, and then he nodded to The Mountain.
The great ronin pulled on the rope, hauling the prisoner higher and higher - and then he let go. I could not watch, but I still heard the crack as his head struck the cobblestone street.
‘There are your ninja,” The Inspector said, and spat on the body.
Then he mounted and rode off without a backwards glance.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Tenth Day, Month of the Horse ===
I am never as pure as when opium rapes me
Never as alive as when it is killing me
Never as full as when it is emptying me
Never as rich as when it steals from me
It is the only cure for this illness called life.
I still can’t believe The Young Master is dead. Just thinking about it robs me of my will; nothing seems worth doing. All the servants, merchants and beggars go on with their labours, just as they did when he was alive, when to me it’s as if the whole world was transformed in an instant.
The only thing that gives me even a moment’s relief is the pipe, but even that is losing its power to console me. They warned me that this would happen, but expectation and preparedness are no comfort; rather the contrary. I feel like I’m on a long road off the edge of a precipice, but I cannot change course or even stop to rest.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Nineteenth Day, Month of the Horse ===
I remember once when I had a fever. I became so weak that the blankets on my body were too heavy for me to lift. I was pinned down and stifled and could hardly breathe. When the fever broke and I could leave my bed, I felt light as a feather - like I was truly reborn and could fly away.
Today I felt the same way. I saw The Bard - and he smiled at me! The Prince wasn’t with me, so I felt I could speak freely to him ... he told me how much he had missed talking with me, told me that he had felt terribly lonely since The Young Master died, even with everyone around offering their consolation.
“The only thing that made me feel even a bit better was your funeral poem,” he said. I blushed so furiously that I had to hide my face behind my fan.
“It was a pale thing compared to how I felt for him,” I said. “It was the hardest poem I ever had to write.”
“It was the only thing that made me feel like anyone knew the same feelings I knew. I could still mourn, but I no longer felt I mourned alone.”
He looked away then, said his next words without looking at me. “I know there has been a... a gulf between us since my birthday,” he said. “I feel now a great regret. I don’t want us to be strangers anymore.”
Can it be that he feels he made a mistake? He didn’t make any declaration of love - but The Bard is an honourable man and would never try to seduce me away from The Prince. If I leave The Prince, will The Bard love me? But what if he doesn’t? Perhaps The Prince would then realize that The Tyrant loves him - but perhaps he would be angry that I spurned him. The Tyrant already hates me; if The Prince hated me too, I would be an outcast in Ryoko Owari. I wouldn’t care if The Bard loved me - but if he doesn’t? If I send The Prince away, who would marry me? What a fool I was to lie with The Prince - no man would marry a used up girl, no one wants a slattern for a wife …
If The Bard loves me, surely he will have to show it somehow. I knew he didn’t like The Prince’s interest in me! I knew it from the first. If he loves me, and keeps seeing me with The Prince, he’ll have to show his feelings. He’s an artist - he won’t be able to help himself.
On the other hand, if he does not love me, at least I won’t have given up my virginity in vain. I stay with a man I don’t love in order to test the man I do - and to keep my shame secret. Perhaps it would be for the best if The Prince were to marry me; I fear that I am becoming quite the Scorpion with my deceptions and manipulations.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei MXVIII, First Day, Month of the Sheep ===
A marriage has been announced between The Noble Brother and The Princess! Now I really have seen everything. I wonder how The Noble Brother feels about stepping into the shoes of his dead brother. Too, what is The Princess feeling about this sudden change of suitors? When I saw them, both looked stunned and confused.
Everybody’s getting married or falling in love, but no one is doing both. Well, at least their parents will be happy. That’s what really matters, right?
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Second Day, Month of the Sheep ===
I have become sick unto death of the nagging of Uncle Monkey. I have tried to be a dutiful relative, but I can no longer stomach it. Last month he came and criticized my choice of companions - not stridently, of course, but in his tenuous, hesitating, cautious way. He couldn’t come out and condemn my life, but he tried (in his bumbling fashion) to make it clear that he felt The Prince was a bad influence and that I should spend my time on more “enlightening” pursuits. Every time I received him, it was the same. It got to be so unpleasant that I left instructions for the servants to tell him I was out, or indisposed. He finally realized I don’t want to see him, so now of course he’s writing letters.
It’s agonizing; I know that he loves me, and is only doing what he thinks is best - but he’s trapped in the past, and wants what’s best for the little girl I was. If only he knew how things have changed for the woman that I am. 
Poor Uncle Monkey. I suppose I can’t blame him for living in the past. After all, what does his present offer him? A frail body, a wandering mind, and a shameful, decadent niece.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Second Day, Month of the Monkey ===
Is any fool worse than she who fools herself? Is any lie worse than those we tell ourselves, then cling to in a desperate hope of turning them true?
It’s all over. I added secrets to the load on my back until I had to stumble and fall, and now everyone knows. My heart has been spilled into the street for all to marvel at and step on.
I was at the House of Foreign Stories - may it burn to the ground and take its whorish mistress with it! I was with The Prince, and The Bard was there, and I kept looking at him, trying to see if he was jealous, if he cared at all about me. For months I have been trying to gauge his feelings, and been unsure if I saw genuine love, or just a reflection of my own love and foolish hope.
Tonight, my hopes have been shattered forever. That Slut, that vile burlesque of a woman, was flouncing her unnatural hair around and displaying her grotesquely disproportionate breasts in a costume that was barely a veil for a decent woman. It was a nauseating display - but The Bard was not offended. No, The Bard stood up to sing with her - and the song was the song we had written, my words and his tune, for The Young Master and The Princess’s marriage.
I had always secretly felt that the marriage song was as much about a marriage between me and The Bard as it was about The Young Master and The Princess - my words wrapped around his music, the way I’ve longed for our bodies to wrap together. And then he goes and puts it in the mouth of that foreign slut, that caricature of womanhood who couldn’t read a Rokugani poem to save her miserable life!
In tales, one hears of a soldier in battle who goes berserk; a red fog clouds his eyes and he cares for nothing but the death of his foes, holding his own life of no account. Hearing my words in that foreign mouth, that dark cloud came down on me, only my weapon was my tongue, not a sword.
Before I knew what was happening I was on my feet, screaming at the top of my voice at them. I do not recall exactly what words I spoke, but I remember seeing the faces turned towards me, all wide eyes and open jaws.
I told him that he was a fool to give his love to someone who wasn’t even a person, who was a harlot and a foreigner. I said that she hoped to become a little more like us and would try to steal his seed and his love so that she could convince herself. I told him that a dog would be a better object for his love than an alien unwoman, for at least dogs know loyalty.
Then I accused him of treachery - saying it was a crime against the nation to mix our blood with that of foreigners. I said he must be mad to follow such dirty lusts when there were women of Rokugan, women with clean blood, who would give their honour, their love and even their lives to be his wife. I said a great many things besides - that I hated him, that I was sorry I’d ever spoken a word to him or given him the least thought, and then I burst into tears and fled into the night.
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Fifth Day, Month of the Monkey ===
The Prince has left me, of course. It was only a matter of time. I should be grateful that it wasn’t done in public. I can’t believe I once hoped to marry a future Governor. Now my greatest desire is a hole to die in.
As could be expected, there were bitter words between the two of us. He played the injured party; fairly, I must admit here, but I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction when we were face to face.
“Was I ever anything to you, anything but a substitute for that impotent musician?” he demanded.
“In my heart? Of course not. But let’s not be bitter; after all, you taught me how to buy liquid void, how to feign affection, how to endure the embraces of a man I don’t love ... so many valuable skills! Most of all, you taught me how to see the fool in everyone, by generously showing me what a buffoon you are!”
“I think you’re mistaken, my dear; what you’ve learned is how to show everyone else your own idiocy. 
Honestly, you think The Bard would dare to touch the mistress of an Emerald Magistrate? Or that she would desire the caresses of someone so pathetic and powerless? Just because you were snared by his womanly charms doesn’t mean everyone is so weak.”
“Certainly I’ve been quite stupid; one only has to judge my lover to see that.”
“I’m the best thing that will ever happen to you!”
“In that case I’m destined for a tragic life indeed. Tell me, what really upsets you? That I love him, not you? Or is it that there aren’t enough unspoiled parts left in me to interest you? No, wait, I know; you’re angry that you never managed to corrupt my heart. As long as I can love, you know you failed to destroy me completely with your phony affection and mock kindness.”
“It does my heart good to learn that you finally figured me out,” he sneered. “I’ll admit that I was curious to see how difficult it would be to lure a virgin Phoenix into my bed and my life. Not hard at all, it seems.”
“Certainly easier than seeing what’s obvious to even a fool like me. You have another lover and you don’t even know it,”
“What are you talking about?”
I just laughed.
He’s so right, though. I am a fool. Fool to think The Bard would love me, bigger fool to think The Prince did. I’m an awkward friend to one - if even that, now. And to The Prince? Was I ever more than an experiment in lies?
=== Twentieth Year in the Reign of Hantei XXXVIII, Month of the Monkey, Second Day of Generosity. ===
Uncle Monkey keeps trying to see me, but I can’t bear the thought of his poor, timid, concerned face today. I don’t even want to go out, I don’t have anything to give anyone anymore ... nothing real, no hope or friendship or love. I’m not sure if I even really love The Bard. If I loved him, would I have screamed at him so? All the anger and pain I felt when I saw him with That Slut - it felt much more like hate than love.
==== (later the same day) ====
I managed to go out by noon. The Prince simply looked at me, then looked away. The Tyrant saw that and smirked, and then had the gall to give me a little horse statue from That Slut’s shop. I waited until she was gone, then dropped it in a public toilet. Let some leatherworker have her gift.
Uncle Monkey found me of course, asked if I’d been ill, offered to read some scrolls over me. I told him I was fine, and thanked him for implying that I looked like I was on death‘s door. I regretted it the moment I said it - it was as if he got even littler as I watched. Then, I couldn’t believe it - he gave me an actual dragon’s instrument. It turns out he has no idea what it’s supposed to be for - he thought it was for tobacco! “I saw that many of your friends were carrying these ... I hope you like it.”
I almost cried. Then The Lout came by and gave me a scroll case, asking if anyone else had given me anything. I showed him the instrument and he got a good, mean laugh out of it. Then he feigned disappointment and said he’d hoped he would be the only one to give me a gift, so that he’d be regarded as the best giver. I didn’t laugh - I just turned and walked away, leaving him gaping foolishly for a few seconds. Then he started shouting at me, calling me terrible names and trying to follow me, but I’d gotten through a thick crowd by then.
I’m home now, writing my day down and wondering why I bother. Why would anyone be concerned about my days? Why would one want to remember this day? Is there anything about me that gives my opinions importance?
That feeling is coming again, the feeling like a cold black fever of the soul. Even liquid opium isn’t helping like it used to, but it still helps a bit.
Poor Uncle Monkey. Someday he’ll know enough to be ashamed of me.
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