Drug Testing Quotes

:Jim: So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot - which is unfortunate because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
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:Dwight: I didn't become a Lackawanna volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends, and by the way I haven't.
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:Ryan: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.
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:Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
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:Dwight: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
:Oscar: What are you implying?
:Dwight: Have you ever… pooped… a balloon?
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:Dwight: Do you know what this is?
:Phyllis: Yes, it's marijuana.
:Dwight: How do you know that?
:Phyllis: It's labeled.
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:Creed: That is Northern Lights cannabis indica.
:Dwight: No, it's marijuana.
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:Jim: I'm just saying... that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
:Dwight: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me!
:Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
:Dwight: I would remember!
:Jim: Well how could you if it just erased your memory?
:Dwight: That's not how it works!
:Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
:Dwight: Knock it off! I'm interviewing you!
:Jim: No! You said I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?!
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:Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
:Dwight: Thanks, girl. 
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:Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
:Linda: We test a lot of urine.
:Dwight: Mine was green.
:Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
:Dwight: I'm all better.
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:Michael: I need clean urine... for the lady.
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:Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
:Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
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:Dwight: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.
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:Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
:Linda: We just need urine, sir.
:Kevin: I'd still like one.
Category:Season 2 quotes