A Very, Merry, Holly, Jolly Daddy Pig Christmas

A Very, Merry, Holly, Jolly Daddy Pig Christmas is the second episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show. It was released on December 22, 2021, and was written by .
== Transcript ==
[Establishing shot of the Krusty Krab. It is snowing outside and the restaurant has been decorated for Christmas. SpongeBob is on his lunch break and is eating with Patrick.]
Patrick: SpongeBob, do you think Santa’s a pedophile?
SpongeBob: Patrick what the fuck-
Patrick: No, no, hear me out. Listen, he spies on children, right? And he knows where they all live. And he breaks into all their houses every year and leaves them presents!
SpongeBob: Patrick I really don’t think-
Patrick: I’m just saying it seems kinda sus, don’t you think?
[Mr. Krabs walks over.]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Yer’ve got five moar minits until yer break’s up!
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs, we’re just finishing up!
[Patrick looks over to someone walking in the restaurant.]
Patrick: Hey, isn’t that the big fat guy that’s been living at your place, SpongeBob?
[Daddy Pig walks over.]
Daddy Pig: Hello everyone!
Narrator: Daddy Pig has come to eat at The Krusty Krab.
Patrick: Hey, it’s the funny invisible guy that follows him around too!
Narrator: The SpongeBob characters aren’t used to have a narrator around saying the obvious every five seconds.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you didn’t tell me ye found yerself a boyfriend!
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, he’s not my boyfriend, Mr. Krabs, that’s Daddy Pig from the hit television series Peppa Pig! He’s living with me while he, uh… sorts some issues out.
Mr. Krabs: Well, it’s very nice to meet ya, Daddy Pig.
[Mr. Krabs and Daddy Pig shake hands.]
Daddy Pig: Well, it’s nice to meet you too I guess.
SpongeBob: Oh, Daddy Pig, that’s my boss Mr. Krabs. …hey, shouldn’t you be at work too?
Daddy Pig: Oh, I clogged the toilet so I called a sick day before anyone could find out it was me.
SpongeBob: Ew…
Daddy Pig: I don’t have this big tummy for nothing! (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: Say… you ‘’do’’ have a big tummy!
Daddy Pig: Well, it’s not ‘’that’’ big…
Patrick: It is ‘’quite’’ big.
Daddy Pig: My tummy is ‘’not’’ big!
[Mr. Bull walks by.]
Mr. Bull: No offence mate, but your tummy’s so big you could see it from out of space! (walks off laughing)
Narrator: Daddy Pig doesn’t like it when people make fun of his big tummy.
Daddy Pig: ‘’’’’I DON’T HAVE A BIG TUMMY!!!’’’’’
Mr. Krabs: Hey! Sorry Mr. Pig, I only brought it up because I just thought we could, you know… make some “business” out of it.
Daddy Pig: What do you mean?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I was just thinking, with that, um… small, regular sized tummy of yours you could be a valuable member of The Krusty Krab team.
Daddy Pig: Hm… I don’t know. I mean I work harder than Grandad Dog five days a week at the office.
Mr. Krabs: Oh no! We’d only need you on weekends. You see, Christmas is coming up and we’re still looking for someone to play Santa Claus. You know, for the kids.
Daddy Pig: Who’s Santa Claus?
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Oh, that’s a good one, Mr. Pig!
Daddy Pig: No, I’m serious!
SpongeBob: Wait… you don’t know who Santa is?!
Patrick: You are missing out, dude.
Mr. Krabs: You know, he’s the big fat- I mean, slim guy who flies around the world on Christmas Eve bringing presents to everyone in the world!
Daddy Pig: ‘’OH!’’ You mean Father Christmas!
Patrick: Who the fuck is Father Christmas? Some kind of priest?!
Daddy Pig: You know, Mr. Krabs, I would ‘’love’’ to play Father Christmas!
Mr. Krabs: Great!
Daddy Pig: I mean, now that I’m not looking after my children I don’t have anything better to do and I could use the extra money! How much you paying per hour?
Mr. Krabs: Um… we’ll talk about that later. But now this is settled, I just need ya to come into me office and… ‘’sign a few contracts’’.
Daddy Pig: (gulp)
[Cut to The Krusty Krab on Saturday. There is a huge line stretching across town of people waiting to meet “Santa”.]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here… and I’m in the queue to meet Santa! No reason, just felt like it.
Miss Rabbit: Oh my God, I so can’t wait to meet Father Christmas! I’m such a big stan, you know?! We’ve all been making sure to stream Jingle Bells this year, right? Right?
[Cut to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob waiting outside a toilet stall for Daddy Pig to finish changing.]
Daddy Pig: Um… I don’t think the costume quite fits, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Of course it fits! I bought the biggest size they had! Just hurry up already! Have you seen how big the line is? I’m gonna make a killing off of this!
SpongeBob: (worried) Mr. Krabs, are you really sure it’s a good idea to lie to everyone about Daddy Pig being the real Santa Claus? I mean… it’s kinda sorta fraud we’re doing here.
Mr. Krabs: Aw, don’t worry SpongeBob. I’m sure Santa doesn’t mind.
SpongeBob: …really?
Mr. Krabs: Of course! Why would he mind? He’s a busy man, he doesn’t have time for this sort of thing. Everyone knows that!
SpongeBob: (smiles) Oh, okay!
[Daddy walks out of the stall dressed as Santa.]
Daddy Pig: Okay, I think I’m ready now.
Narrator: Daddy Pig is dressed just like Father Christmas!
Mr. Krabs: Great! Now, what about you, Mr. Squidward? Are ‘’you’’ ready?
[Squidward walks out of the stall next to Daddy Pig’s dressed as an elf.]
Squidward: (frowning) Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas one and all.
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Mr. Squidward! Do you not have ‘‘any’’ Christmas spirit?!
[Pause. Squidward sighs.]
Squidward: (pretending to be happy) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: Eh, the kids’ll buy it.
[Cut to the line of parents and children waiting outside the restaurant for Mr. Krabs to open the doors.]
Nat Peterson: Hey! What’s the hold up? We’ve been waiting in line for hours!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, gee Lois we’ve been waiting here longer than CrazySponge’s dick when he sees Roxa-
[Mr. Krabs kicks the doors open. In the background Daddy Pig (dressed as Santa) is seen moving over to sit on a Christmas-themed throne where Squidward’s boat should be.]
Mr. Krabs: Heh-heh. Sorry for the hold-up, folks! Santy Claus was stuck in a bit of a traffic jam coming all the way here from the North Pole!
Danny Dog: Hey doesn’t his magic reindeer pull him on his sleigh through the sky?
Mr. Krabs: His reindeer, um… died. But never mind that, it’s time to meet Santa Claus!
[Everyone cheers as they rush into the restaurant to meet Santa. There is a roped queue across the restaurant all the way to Santa’s throne. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward at the back of the queue with Daddy Pig. Squidward is talking to the first customer.]
Squidward: Alright, so it’s twenty dollars to meet Santa, an extra fifty if you want to get the big man’s autograph, and an extra ten if you want to take a photo. For fifteen dollars we do do quote unquote “professional photos” with a camera Mr. Krabs bought from the dollar store… if you’re interested in that.
Mummy Pony: Um… I think we’ll just meet Santa.
Squidward: You’re really blowing the banks today, aren’t you?
[Mummy Pony pays Squidward and Pedro Pony, in a cowboy costume, runs over to Daddy Pig.]
Daddy Pig: Ho, ho, ho! I’m Father Christmas!
Pedro Pony: Bullshit
Daddy Pig: Eh, what?
Pedro Pony: I know you’re just some fat fucker in a costume.
Daddy Pig: I am ‘’’’’NOT’’’’’ a fat fucker!
Pedro Pony: Hey… aren’t you Peppa’s dad?
Daddy Pig: Er… I don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m Father Christmas! Ho ho- (his fake beard falls off) oh shit.
Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig has been outed as a fat liar.
Daddy Pig: ‘’’’’I AM NOT A FAT LIAR!!!’’’’’
[Daddy Pig puts his fake beard back on.]
Daddy Pig: I mean, merry Christmas everyone!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) What would you like for Christmas, kid?
[Pedro sits on Daddy Pig’s lap.]
Pedro Pony: Well… “Father Christmas”, I would like an AK-47 to go with my cowboy costume! I already asked my mum, but she said it wasn’t very child friendly.
Daddy Pig: Um… well, I’m not sure about tha-
Pedro Pony: Do it or I’ll leak your nudes all over Twitter dot com!
Daddy Pig: Alright, alright! I’ll get you the AK-47!
Pedro Pony: (giggles) Thanks, Santa! You’re the best!
Mummy Pony: Smile for the camera now, Pedro!
[Daddy Pig and Pedro smile as Mummy Pony takes a photo with her phone.]
Squidward: That’ll be an extra ten dollars, ma’am.
[Mummy Pony groans as she hands over the money. Pedro Pony happily skips off with her.]
Squidward: Alright, who’s next?
[Cut to SpongeBob talking with Mr. Krabs.]
SpongeBob: Aw, it just warms my heart to see all the joy we’re bringing to the children of Bikini Bottom! …and Peppa Pig World, apparently.
Mr. Krabs: Well we are neighboring towns now. And you know, this warms my heart too, boy-o. And my wallet!
[Mr. Krabs starts laughing, SpongeBob half-confusingly joins in. Cut to Scott the Woz sitting on Daddy Pig’s lap.]
Scott the Woz: -and I’d like another copy of Flingsmash, one this isn’t wet this time, and one of those Chia Pet things, I broke all my other ones, and some more Madden 08, but please for the love of all that’s holy please don’t get me Madden 09 because I d-
Squidward: Alright, your time’s up. Can we move it along please people?
Scott the Woz: Ugh, fine…
[Scott sulks as he walks off.]
Squidward: Next!
[Mummy Pig approaches with Peppa and George.]
Narrator: Peppa and George have come to meet Father Christmas.
Squidward: Two children? That’ll be forty dollars, ma’am.
Mummy Pig: (handing over the money) Now, George here has autism so please be kind to him.
Narrator: George has autism.
Squidward: …whatever.
[Peppa and George skip over to Daddy Pig.]
Peppa: (giggles) Hi, Father Christmas!
Daddy Pig: Er… hi Peppa and George!
Peppa: (gasp) He knows our names, Mummy!
Daddy Pig: I- well- of course I do! I’m Father Christmas!
Narrator: Peppa and George think Daddy Pig is Father Christmas!
Peppa: What did he just say?
Daddy Pig: Er- nothing! Nothing! Now, what would you two like for Christmas this year?
George: Dinosaur! Grrr!
Peppa: Oh George! You always say dinosaur for ‘’everything’’!
Daddy Pig: Ho-ho! Well, Santa will see what he can do. And Peppa, what would ‘’you’’ like for Christmas this year?
Peppa: Well… all I ‘’really’’ want for Christmas this year is for Suzy to come back.
Narrator: Suzy Sheep is dead.
Peppa: It’s just not the same without her, and I’m missing her every day!
Narrator: Peppa and Suzy were in lesbians with each other.
Peppa: I just… I just don’t know why they had to murder her like that.
[Peppa starts crying on Daddy Pig’s lap.]
Narrator: Peppa has started to cry on Daddy Pig’s lap.
Daddy Pig: It’s… it’s okay, Peppa. Father Christmas can’t make Suzy to come back… but everything is going to be okay…
[Pause.]
Peppa: You really think so?
Daddy Pig: Of course, Peppa…
[Pause.]
Peppa: Oh yeah, I’d also like my daddy back.
Daddy Pig: Wait, what?
Peppa: Yeah! A few weeks ago they had this BIG argument and mummy kicked him out of the house! She was saying things like “you know exactly what you’ve fucking done, you fucking fucker”, and “one-time thing my ass, you bloody git! Nothing you do can unfuck the Christmas turkey now, you twat!”
Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig won’t be able to spend Christmas with his family this year.
Peppa: You can bring daddy back, can’t you Santa?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Hm… I’ll see what I can do.
[Bubble transition to an exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple decorated for Christmas. It is heavily snowing. Cut to the inside, where a large cast of characters have gathered around the table for Christmas dinner.]
Narrator: It is Christmas Day. All of SpongeBob’s friends have come to celebrate.
Patrick: Ugh, when is the food gonna be ready? I’m starving!
SpongeBob: (yelling from the kitchen) I’m almost done, Patrick! This Tesco Turkey doesn’t fuck itself, you know.
Mr. Krabs: Nothing you do can un-Tesco the Tesco Turkey.
Mr. Bull: Hey guys, calm down! They’re just about to announce this year’s Christmas number one!
[Everyone shuts up as Mr. Bull turns the radio up.]
Peter Griffin: (on radio) Hey Lois, remember that time I hosted the Christmas charts radio show? Heheheheheheh… anyway, I am very happy to announce that this year’s Christmas number one is… Boris Johnson Is A Sausage Roll by the K**ts!
[Everyone cheers, except Daddy Pig.]
Mr. Bull: WHOOOO! FUCK YEAH!
Scott the Woz: God, I love free speech.
Squidward: Boris Johnson really is a sausage roll!
Mr. Krabs: I just knew we could do it!
Daddy Pig: Meh.
Mr. Bull: What’s the matter, Daddy Pig? You’re not saying you actually ‘’like’’ the Tories, do you?
Daddy Pig: No, no, they stink. It’s just that… something just feels weird about Christmas this year.
Mr. Krabs: (sigh) I know mate, this must be hard for you. I mean, it’s the first Christmas without your family.
Pearl: Oh my God, having Christmas without your family is like so super duper lame guys.
Narrator: Even though this show is written by a female, it apparently does not know how to write female characters.
[SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: Hey, what’s the matter Daddy Pig?
Patrick: He’s missing his family or something, I don’t fucking know.
Daddy Pig: It’s just… you know, I thought Mummy Pig and I might have made up by now.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Well… maybe Mummy Pig and you haven’t made up yet… but I’d say you’re not missing Christmas with your family at all!
Daddy Pig: What do you mean? My entire extended family are having Christmas dinner at my house without me, you bastard!
SpongeBob: No, no, I just mean… don’t you think you’ve got a new family right here?
[Pause. Daddy Pig looks across the table. He looks at SpongeBob, and Patrick, and Squidward, and Mr. Krabs, and Scott the Woz…]
Daddy Pig: You know what, SpongeBob, I think you’re right! I’ve got my family right here!
SpongeBob: You bet you have, pal!
Daddy Pig: And you know what else, SpongeBob?
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: I think I’ve finally figured out the true meaning of Christmas! It’s not about the presents, or the snow, or Santa Claus…
SpongeBob: …it’s about the friends and family you share it with!
Daddy Pig: What? Hell no! It’s about realising that I’m better off without that filthy cheating bitch Mummy Pig and that I’ve got everything I need right here!
SpongeBob: Um, I don’t think that’s-
Daddy Pig: Yeah! You what, everyone? I think this might have just been the best Christmas ever! 
SpongeBob: …well, um. I’m glad you feel that way, Daddy Pig! Now, who’s hungry?!
[Everyone raises their hands and cheers as the camera pans out of the house and into the night sky. Santa flies by on his sleigh or some shit I don't fucking know. The end.]
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