You Can't Handle the Truth!

Fact: All of these lines are taken from actual court records.
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Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Witness: I only have one, you know.
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Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Accused, Defending His Own Case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
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Lawyer: What is your date of birth?Witness: July 15th.Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.
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Lawyer: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?Witness: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.Lawyer: Can you identify the rifle?
Witness: Yes. There was something written on the side of it.
Lawyer: And what did the writing say?
Witness: 'Winchester'.
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Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Lawyer: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?Witness: No. He was wearing a mask.Lawyer: What was he wearing under the mask?
Witness: Er...his face.
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Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?Witness: Yes.Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
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Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?Witness: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
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Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? 
Witness: Yes. 
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also? 
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Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life? 
Witness: Not yet. 
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Lawyer: Did you blow the horn or anything?Witness: After the accident?Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?Witness: Yes.Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?Witness: Yes, sir.Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: 'What disco am I at?'
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Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
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Lawyer: And you check your radar unit frequently?Officer: Yes, I do.Lawyer: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
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Lawyer: What happened then?Witness: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'Lawyer: Did he kill you?
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Lawyer: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
Witness: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
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Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
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Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?
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Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
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Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?
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Lawyer: How long have you been a French Canadian?
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Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
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Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
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Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that ."Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?
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Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
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Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?Witness: No.Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?Witness: No.Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?Witness: No.Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?Witness: No.Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Lawyer: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
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Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
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Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
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Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Lawyer: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?
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Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
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Lawyer: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
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Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
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A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
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Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Lawyer: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Witness: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
Category:Lawyer Humor