PenisMan Origins: A Very Daddy Pig Valentine's Day

PenisMan Origins: A Very Daddy Pig Valentine's Day is the seventh episode of the critically acclaimed series The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show. It serves as a special for the series, as well as an origin story for the character of PenisMan who was originally created in 2018 through an in-joke on the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki server. It was written by thatjess and was released on February 14, 2022.
==Transcript==
[Exterior shot of the Bikini Bottom High School in the late evening. The building is covered in Valentine’s Day decorations.]
Narrator: This is the Bikini Bottom Secondary School. Today is the day of the Valentine’s Day school dance.
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here! And tonight’s the big Valentine’s Day dance! Not to brag or anything, but I’m gonna get laid!
[Cut to the entrance to the school. Pearl and one of her friends step out of a limo and onto the red carpet leading up to the school doors in prom dresses.]
Pearl: Thanks for letting me ride with you, Nixie. My sweaty old dad was too cheap to fork out for a limo…
Nixie: Don’t mention it. It’s only the Valentine’s Day dance.
Pearl: Only the Valentine’s Day dance? Nixie, this is the one night of the year we can have a dance on Valentine’s Day!
Nixie: Yeah but it’s not like it’s the Easter dance or anything.
[The two approach the entrance. Daddy Pig is standing by the front doors in a suit.]
Daddy Pig: Evening m’ladies. The dance is in the school hall.
Narrator: Tonight, Daddy Pig is a school dance chaperone.
[Pearl and Nixie enter the school.]
Nixie: Hey, isn’t that the guy who got kicked out of his own house and is living with one of your dad’s friends?
Pearl: That’s incredibly specific, but yeah.
Nixie: Word gets around fast. Why’s he a chaperone tonight?
Pearl: Oh, apparently he slept with Miss Plourde once and they drunkenly made a tape or something, I don’t know. The word on the street is she’s blackmailing him with it, and we’re short on staff.
Narrator: Daddy Pig sleeps with a lot of people.
[Cut to the school hall, where the Valentine’s Day dance is being held. The Cha Cha Slide is blasting at full volume. Cut to the side of the hall, where Mr. Krabs, Squidward and SpongeBob are serving Krabby Patties.]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, when you said we were going to be catering at an exclusive VIP rave… I DIDN’T THINK YOU MEANT A VALENTINE’S DAY DANCE WITH HORMONALLY STRESSED TEENAGERS!!!!
Mr. Krabs: But it is an exclusive VIP rave! They don’t just let any Tom, Dick or Harry in this school you know!
[Mr. Renaud walks up to the booth.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh hey Mr. Renaud.
Mr. Renaud: Hey Eugene, I’ll just have one Krabby Patty please.
Mr. Krabs: Coming right up, my good friend!
[Mr. Renaud goes and sits down.]
Mr. Krabs: Gee, Mr. Renaud is such a nice man.
SpongeBob: Yeah! And it’s not just hormonally stressed teenagers that are here, Squidward.
Squidward: Yeah, (crosses arms) there’s us three looking like the three musketeers, if the three musketeers looked like pedophiles!
SpongeBob: (laughs) No, silly! There’s the preschoolers too!
Squidward: …preschoolers?
[Cut to Pedro Pony, Danny Dog and Freddy Fox dancing to the Cha Cha Slide in the middle of a hall. A group is gathered around them, cheering them on.]
Freddy Fox: To the left! Take it back now y’all! One hop this time!
[Cut back to the catering area.]
SpongeBob: The council has cut all the schools’ funding, so the Bikini Bottom High School and Peppa Pig World Preschool decided to merge their Valentine’s Day dances together. You know instead of outright cancelling them or whatever.
[Pause.]
Squidward: …what’s the logic in that?
SpongeBob: Just go with it.
[Three teenagers walk over to the catering area.]
Narrator: This is the late Suzy Sheep’s cousin, Charlotte Sheep, her girlfriend Nocturna, and her boy-space-friend Parker.
Charlotte Sheep: Ugh, we’ll have like three Krabby Patties or something.
SpongeBob: (salutes) Coming right up, ma’am!
[SpongeBob starts frying some patties while the three teenagers sit down. Charlotte and Nocturna start making out.]
Parker: Ew.
Nocturna: Stop it. You’re just jealous because you don’t have a date!
Charlotte Sheep: Wait, you mean you came all the way to the Valentine’s Day dance, and you don’t even have a date?
Parker: Well um… I mean do have a date… I just… I just haven’t asked her out yet, heh.
[Pause.]
Nocturna: I mean this in the nicest way possible, but face it Parker - you’re gonna be lonely forever.
Parker: I mean at least I don’t write fanfiction about two childrens’ shows for a hobby.
Nocturna: You’re gonna be lonely forever, Parker.
Parker: Hey, hey, hey! I still have a shot y’know! She doesn’t have a date tonight either.
[Pause.]
Charlotte Sheep: So… tell us. Who is this mysterious person you’re so in love with anyway?
Parker: She’s…
[Pearl and Nixie walk into the hall.]
Parker: She’s over there!
[Charlotte and Nocturna look over at the two. Close-up shot of Nixie’s jaw.]
Nocturna: Your crush is Nixie? The one with the braces?
Parker: No, no, the other one.
[Close-up shot of Pearl. Pause. Charlotte and Nocturna laugh.]
Charlotte Sheep: Oh my gosh, your crush is Pearl?
Parker: (embarrassed) Well… heh, is that a problem…?
[Pause.]
Nocturna: Ehhhhhh… I mean I approve.
Charlotte Sheep: Yeah, for a whale… she’s fit as fuck.
[SpongeBob hands the trio their Krabby Patties.]
SpongeBob: Here you are ladies.
Parker: Um, I’m a boy.
SpongeBob: Oh sor-
???: NO!!!!!
Rex Mohs rushes over and throws the plate of Krabby Patties against the wall.]
Rex Mohs: …sorry I thought that was a beer.
[Daddy Pig walks over.]
Daddy Pig: It’s okay mate, just don’t chaperone this dance so aggressively, okay?
Rex Mohs: Yeah… sorry. It’s just that I’ve been psychologically conditioned to have an INTENSE hatred of alcohol, drugs, violence, sex--and most importantly, sex.
Daddy Pig: It’s fine. I’ve been psychologically conditioned to hate my wife. (laughs at his own joke) Hey SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hey Daddy Pig. Wanna buy a Krabby Patty? Chaperones get their first free-
[Mr. Krabs puts one of his claws over SpongeBob’s mouth.]
Mr. Krabs: -for a slight discount! Chaperones get a slight 5% discount off their first Krabby Patty, yeah that’s what he said.
[SpongeBob yanks Mr. Krabs’ jaw off of his mouth.]
SpongeBob: Er… Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: What?
SpongeBob: You might wanna turn around.
[Daddy Pig slowly turns around. Peppa Pig is walking towards the booth.]
Daddy Pig: Oh fuck!
Squidward: What? It’s just a child.
Daddy Pig: No, you don’t understand! That’s my daughter! The one my wife who kicked me out has custody of! I haven’t talked to her since December!
[Daddy Pig grabs a Krabby Patty.]
Daddy Pig: I’ll, er, see you around SpongeBob.
[Daddy Pig runs off.]
Mr. Krabs: HEY!! YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THA-
[Suddenly, the lights dim and “Easy on Me” by Adele starts playing.]
DJ Abstinence: Alright teens… and preschoolers. It’s time to get DOWN on the floor for the couples’ dance!
Charlotte Sheep: Oh my gosh! This is totally your shot, Parker! You should ask Pearl for a dance!
Parker: Me? …y-y-y-y-y-you mean… now?
Nocturna: Yeah!
Parker: But… but… I’m scared!
Charlotte Sheep: Ugh, you’re such a wuss… I’d love to stay but this is Nocturna and I’s first dance together!
Nocturna: Smell ya later!
[Charlotte and Nocturna run off to dance together.]
Parker: (gulps) Welp… I guess this is it. I am finally going to ask Pearl out!
[Parker stands up and starts slowly walking towards Pearl.]
Parker: (thinking) There she is… I just need to go and talk to her.
[Parker keeps slowly walking towards Pearl.]
Parker: (thinking) I just need to talk to her.
[Parker keeps walking.]
Parker: (thinking) I just need to-
Pearl: Oh hi Parker.
Parker: (turns red) Oh um…… goodbye!
[Parker runs off.]
Parker: (thinking) Why the fuck did I say that? Why the fuck did I-
[Parker runs into a Science classroom and slams the door shut. He falls to the floor and starts breathing heavily for a few seconds.]
…
…
???: You okay mate?
[Parker slowly looks up. Daddy Pig is standing in front of him.]
Parker: Wh- what? You’re a chaperone, what are you doing in here?
Daddy Pig: You’re a student. What are you doing in here?
[Pause.]
Parker: I’m… heh… hiding…?
[Pause.]
Daddy: Pig: Oh thank fuck, so am I. You hiding from your daughter as well?
Parker: (stands up) I’m sixteen, do I look like I have a daughter?
Daddy Pig: I don’t know! Teen pregnancies are so in right now, as the cool kids say.
Parker: We do not talk like that. Well, my friends Charlotte and Nocturna do but that’s not th poi-
Daddy Pig: Hey! I recognise this classroom!
Parker: Yeah it’s Mx. Sturgeon’s class, what’s so special about it?
Daddy Pig: Oh my God! This is the classroom I used to Science in! I did A Level Biology with Mr. Whale! How’s he doing nowadays?
Parker: He’s dead.
Daddy Pig: …oh.
Narrator: Daddy Pig went to this school a very long time ago.
Daddy Pig: Hey! It wasn’t THAT long ago! This classroom is exactly how I remember it! …except, you know, all modernised. 
[Daddy Pig walks up to the teacher’s desk.]
Daddy Pig: Ha! Imagine using an electronic whiteboard. You kids will never know what’s it’s like listening to the sound of screeching chalk.
[Daddy Pig opens up the teacher’s drawer.]
Parker: Um… what are you doing?
Daddy Pig: Well, if we’re gonna be hiding from our problems here for a while, we might as well have a nose!
Parker: I- I, heh, don’t think that’s such a good idea.
Daddy Pig: …now, if I remember correctly the key to the cupboard should be… (he pulls out a key) right here! My God! I can’t believe it’s been in the same place for twenty six years!
[Daddy Pig takes the key and walks over to the classroom’s cupboard.]
Parker: Um… I really don’t think you should open that.
Daddy Pig: In all the years I went to this school, Mr. Whale never once let us look in here!
[Daddy Pig unlocks the cupboard.]
Daddy Pig: Holy fuck! It’s even better than I imagined!
Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is being a bit naughty.
Parker: Look, I definitely don’t think we should-
[Daddy Pig pulls out a magic 8-ball from the cupboard.]
Daddy Pig: Oh my God! It’s my old magic 8-ball! I tried using this to cheat on an exam once, ho-ho! 
Parker: Um, Mr. Pig, I really think you should back away from-
[Daddy Pig pulls out a flask containing some strange liquid. There are warning symbols all over the glass.]
Daddy Pig: What’s this? Looks like some kind of chemical toxin or something.
Parker: That’s um, actually a penisiam acid and I really don’t think we should be playing around with tha-
Daddy Pig: Come on! Let’s try and make a little explosion or something!
[Parker tries to grab the flask from Daddy Pig and the two start tugging on it.]
Parker: Daddy Pig, we really shouldn-
Daddy Pig: Aw come on!
Parker: But Daddy Pi-
Daddy Pig: It’s just a little liquid!
Parker: But Daddy Pig! We really shouldn’t be messing around with this stuff! It is highly poisonous and could cause a dangerous reactio-
[Daddy Pig accidentally lets go of the flask, and Parker falls to the floor. The flask follows after him, and the liquid goes all over his crotch.]
Daddy Pig: Oops.
[Parker blacks out.]
…
…
Daddy Pig: (off-screen) Hmmm, oh my God, how the fuck am I going to explain this to everyon?! I can’t call an ambulance, I could get done for child endangerment! I didn’t mean to-
[Parker’s eyes start to open. We see the room from his perspective.]
Parker: (tired) Ugh… what happened…?
Daddy Pig: Oh my God! Thank fuck you’re okay! For a second I thought I had put you into a coma!
Parker: Huh? (pause) Oh, I remember now.
[Parker stands up.]
Parker: You were messing around with some acid, and I tried to stop you and-
[Daddy Pig starts smirking.]
Parker: Why are you looking at me funny?
Daddy Pig: (giggling) Well um-
Parker: And why do I suddenly feel so horny?
Daddy Pig: (trying to hold in laughter) You, um… heh, you might want to look in the mirror.
[Parker runs over to the classroom’s window and looks at his reflection. His entire head has a giant censor bar over it.]
Parker: (worried) HOLY SHIT! I’m a- I’m a-
Daddy Pig: You’re a dickhead! (laughs)
Narrator: Oh dear. It seems Parker’s head has turned into a giant willy.
Parker: This isn’t funny!
Daddy Pig: I mean it’s kinda funny.
Parker: Ugh! This is horrible!
Daddy Pig: This is amazing! You’re like… some kind of penis man or something!
PenisMan: How the hell am I supposed to ask my crush out when… when… when I look like this!
Daddy Pig: Well I don’t know! I mean, at least no one can say you have a small willy anymore. (laughs)
PenisMan: (sighs) Okay… this is okay… everything is okay. We just- we just need to brew up and antidote or something.
[PenisMan tries to pull his hands away from the window, but they are stuck.]
PenisMan: Oh my- you have to be fucking kidding me. My hands are all… sticky!
[PenisMan keeps tugging at the window, and pulls the entire glass frame down and it smashes.]
PenisMan: Ugh! Come on! And now I have fucking super strength?!
Daddy Pig: You really are a PenisMan! (laughs)
[PenisMan stands up and angrily points at Daddy Pig.]
PenisMan: YOU! This is all your fault! If you weren’t messing about with that acid, none of this would have- wait a minute.
Daddy Pig: Look mate, I am so sorry. How was I supposed to know that you would turn into a literal dickhead?
PenisMan: No, no, don’t apologise. This is great actually, this is perfect! Don’t you see? I’m like… I’m like some kind of superhero now!
Daddy Pig: Yeah! You’re… you’re PenisMan!
[Pause.]
PenisMan: The name needs a little work, but I guess it works. Chicks love superheroes, right?
Daddy Pig: And the men do too! Have you seen Halle Berry in Catwoman? I love that film!
PenisMan: It has a 9% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Daddy Pig: WHAT?! BLASPHEMY! 
???: (off-screen) AGH! TIDDLES!
[Cut to outside the high school. A tortoise is stuck up a coral tree.]
Dr. Hamster: HELP!! HELP!! MY PRECIOUS TIDDLES THE TORTOISE IS STUCK UP A TREE!
Narrator: Oh no! Tiddles the Tortoise is stuck up a tree!
[Various people rush out from the high school.]
SpongeBob: (gasp) Not Tiddles the Tortoise!
Squidward: …who the fuck is Tiddles the Tortoise?!
Dr. Hamster: MY PET TORTOISE! HE’S STUCK UP THE TREE!
[Pedro Pony comes rushing out holding an axe.]
Pedro Pony: Don’t worry! We’ll just chop the tree down!
Dr. Hamster: NO!!!!
Pearl: Ugh! It’s a tragedy! How are we going to get Tiddles out of the tree?
[The camera quickly pans over back to the Science classroom.]
PenisMan: My penis senses are tingling! Someone needs my help! PenisMan, away!
[PenisMan tries to fly off, but hits the wall.]
PenisMan: oof
[PenisMan picks himself up.]
PenisMan: PenisMan… away!
[PenisMan flies off in the opposite direction, out the window and into the outside entrance to the school.]
Peppa Pig: Look! In the sky!
Mr. Krabs: It’s a penis!
Charlotte Sheep: It’s a man!
Pearl: IT’S PENISMAN!
PenisMan: Fear not, helpless citizens! PenisMan is here to save the day!
[Everyone cheers. PenisMan flies into the tree, grabs Tiddle the Tortoise and carries him safely to the ground. He tries to let go of him, but Tiddles clings to his sticky fingers.]
PenisMan: Um… a little help please?
[Dr. Hamster grabs Tiddles from PenisMan, and places him safely in her arms. Everyone cheers.]
Dr. Hamster: Aw, Tiddles! I’m so glad you’re okay! How may I ever repay you, strange man with a penis for a head?
PenisMan: A PS5 would be nice I suppose.
Dr. Hamster: What?
PenisMan: Er- I mean, all in a day’s work for PenisMan! PenisMan, away!
[PenisMan flies off.]
Pedro Pony: Mummy, when I grow up I wanna be just like PenisMan!
Mummy Pony: (sighs) Let’s get you home, Pedro.
[Perch Perkins walks on screen.]
Perch Perkins: This is Perch Perkins, reporting for Bikini Bottom News at 7. Tonight at a Valentine’s Day school dance, a pet tortoise was rescued from a tree by a strange individual with superhero-like abilities and a giant penis for a head. No, I didn’t make that up. I would like to conclude this segment but asking you what we’re all wondering: who is this “Penis Man”? And what will he do next?
Category:2022
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