The SpongeBob and Peter Griffin Show

The SpongeBob and Peter Griffin Show is the second episode of Season One of SpongeBob SquarePants and a Gallon of Milk.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with the family driving to the ocean for a fishing trip.]
Lois Griffin: Petah, I'm so glad you got the family all together for a little bit of bonding.
Peter Griffin: Poo.
Meg Griffin: Okay, I'm all up for a little bit of family time… but why'd we have to go fishing?
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg!
[Everyone except Meg laughs.]
Stewie Griffin: I have to admit, she kinda has a point. I may be a maniacal infant, but I don't even know how to fish.
Brian Griffin: It can't be that hard. Just throw the fishing line in the water and when you feel a pull, yank it up. Simple.
Chris Griffin: Hey guys, can I have a line in this episode too?
Peter Griffin: In speaking terms, sure. I don't care. In fishing terms, let me go first. After all, I am the fishing expert in this household.
Lois Griffin: Okay Petah, go ahead.
[Peter casts a line. The camera goes into the water and down to the seafloor, where we see SpongeBob and Patrick taking a walk and eating some ice cream.]
Patrick: Thanks again for taking me out to ice cream, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Anything for a friend like you, Pat.
[The fishing hook descends to the sea floor, floating temptingly.]
Patrick: Looks like the carnival came early.
SpongeBob: Well, might as well take a ride while we're the first ones here!
Patrick: You said it buddy!
[They jump on top of the hook. It bobs up and down as SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
Patrick: Ha ha haha! I'm having the time of my life!
SpongeBob: Same! This is more fun that the time when–
[Cut to the surface. Peter feels a tug on the line.]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! I got a bite! I got a bite!
[The others all rush over to Peter, who is swiftly reeling in the line.]
Peter Griffin: Whoo! This is one strong fish! But they don't call me "Peter 'Strong Arm' Griffin" for nothing!
[Peter is visibly struggling to reel the line in.]
Peter Griffin: That being said… could one of you… err, lend a hand?
[Peter gets yanked into the ocean. The rest of the Griffins gasp in shock.]
Lois Griffin: (panicking) Oh my God! Don't panic, guys, don't panic!
Meg Griffin: (unenthusiastically) Oh no, Dad is gone.
Brian Griffin: HOLY GUACAMOLE!
[Pause.]
Brian Griffin: So… anyone up for a trip to The Drunken Clam?
Stewie Griffin: I am not of age to drink alcoholic beverages.
Brian Griffin: Who cares about being of age?
Herbert the Pervert: That's what I always say!
[Cut to the ocean, where Peter is falling and screaming.]
Peter Griffin: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Oh God, this is worse than the time I–
[Peter hits the seafloor, doing the stock Family Guy death pose. SpongeBob and Patrick slowly descend, laughing all the way.]
SpongeBob: (signature laugh) What a blast!
Patrick: Yeah! (points to Peter Griffin) We even get to see a dead guy!
[SpongeBob sees the unconscious Peter Griffin on the floor.]
SpongeBob: (gasp) Holy shrimp! We need to help this poor man!
[Cut to the Krusty Krab. Peter Griffin is lying on a table, unconscious. SpongeBob is anxiously looking at him. Peter's eyes begin to open.]
Peter Griffin: Oh, holy moly… what happened? (he looks around and sees he's in the Krusty Krab) Where am I? I've never been here before.
SpongeBob: Hi–
Peter Griffin: AH! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
SpongeBob: Woah woah, calm down!
Peter Griffin: What the hell have you done with my family?!
SpongeBob: Your family? I don't know what you're talking about, but you see, there was this big carnival ride in the sky and me and my buddy Pat rode it and we had lots of fun and then you showed up, so I took you to the Krusty Krab and made you all better.
Peter Griffin: Carnival ride in the sky? You're not making any… ohhh, my fishing hook! Wait, does that mean… am I in the ocean right now??
SpongeBob: Yep! You're in Bikini Bottom, the cutest little town in the deep blue sea.
Peter Griffin: Wait wait wait… if I'm in the ocean right now… how am I the same size as you and everything else down here? And how am I able to breathe underwater?
SpongeBob: I'm gonna be honest. I have no clue.
Peter Griffin: There is only one logical explanation for this… I have superpowers! I always knew I was a special kid.
SpongeBob: …Not sure if that's what it means to be a special kid, but okay.
Peter Griffin: Say, little Sponge man…
SpongeBob: SpongeBob. SpongeBob SquarePants.
Peter Griffin: I'm Peter Griffin. So, SpongeBob, how did you revive me anyway?
SpongeBob: (dons his Krusty Krab employee hat) Krabby Patties, of course! Krabby Patties taste good like a hamburger should!
Peter Griffin: Crappy Patties?
SpongeBob: Krabby Patties.
Peter Griffin: That's what I said.
SpongeBob: No, you said–
Peter Griffin: So is there anything to do down here in the ocean? Apart from… swim?
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Swim? We only do that at the Goo Lagoon!
Peter Griffin: You have water in the water? This place is cuckoo crazy, I tell ya. It's even weirder than the time I did crack right before watching Sesame Street.
[Cut to Peter wide awake in bed, visibly distressed.]
Peter Griffin: Monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real, monsters aren't real–
Lois Griffin: Petah, be quiet!
Peter Griffin: TAKE MY COOKIES, JUST DON'T HURT ME!! (begins to bawl)
[Cut to SpongeBob and Peter Griffin walking over to the former's house.]
SpongeBob: Here we are! My home sweet home.
Peter Griffin: You live in a giant pineapple?
SpongeBob: Yeah. Why do you ask?
Peter Griffin: That's wicked! It reminds me of that time I lived in that giant bottle of beer.
[Cut to Painty the Pirate doing his part of the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.]
Painty the Pirate: 🎵 Ooohhhhhhhhhh! 🎵
[Cut to the sky. The camera flies down to a giant, empty bottle of Pawtucket Patriot Ale with a door, where a visibly drunk Peter stumbles out.]
Painty the Pirate: 🎵 Who lives in a bottle in Quahog city? 🎵
Children: 🎵 Peter Griffin! 🎵
[The drunken Peter burps out a big beer bubble before collapsing on the floor.]
Painty the Pirate: When do I get paid for this sh(dolphin chirp)t?
[Cut back to Peter and SpongeBob, who are at Squidward's door.]
SpongeBob: This is Squidward's house. Squidward is one of my best friends.
[SpongeBob knocks on the door. Squidward opens it.]
Squidward: What now, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward. I want you to meet my new friend, Peter.
Peter Griffin: Hey.
Squidward: Hello, tubby.
[Pause.]
Peter Griffin: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!
[Peter begins to brutally beat up Squidward. Laugh track because violence is funny. SpongeBob tries to stop him.]
SpongeBob: HEY! PETER, STOP! THAT'S ENOUGH! DROP IT! DROP IT!
[Peter drops Squidward on the floor, who rushes back inside and shuts the door.]
SpongeBob: Bad boy! Bad boy! What do you have to say for yourself, Peter?
Peter Griffin: Sorry daddy.
SpongeBob: That's bette– wait, what?
[Laugh track. Cut to SpongeBob and Peter back at The Krusty Krab. They are sitting down at a table, chatting.]
Peter Griffin: –and then there's my bitch wife Lois. She's a real bitch.
[Peter and SpongeBob begin to laugh hard.]
SpongeBob: I really can't relate, but that's some funny [dolphin chirp] right there!
Peter Griffin: And you should meet my other friends sometime! There's Joe, the crippled one.
SpongeBob: Okay.
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, the sex offender.
SpongeBob: Okay.
Peter Griffin: And Cleveland, the black one.
SpongeBob: Okay.
[Laugh track because you would have expected SpongeBob to say something prejudiced. Mr. Krabs walks in.]
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB ME BOY!! WHY AREN'T YOU MAKING ME MONEY?!?!
SpongeBob: Peter, this is Mr. Krabs. He's my boss, and he also [AWOOGA]s corpses.
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB!! What did I tell you about sharing me kinks to strangers?
Peter Griffin: Oh don't worry about it, one of my best friends is a nonce, and one of my other neighbors is too.
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB!! What did I also tell you about bringing friends of pedos in me restaurant?
SpongeBob: To not to?
Mr. Krabs: No, you can do it, but not at business hours. Speaking of… GET BACK TO WORK!!
SpongeBob: I believe I should be getting back to work…
Peter Griffin: Aw man, but I have to tell you about the time I–
SpongeBob: It can wait, Peter. It can wait.
Peter Griffin: (childishly) BUT I DON'T WANNA WAIT!!
[Peter runs off bawling like a little child.]
Mr. Krabs: …SpongeBoy, have you ever considered the possibility that your friend is a wee bit… r(BOAT HORN SOUND BECAUSE WORD FANDOM WON'T LET ME SAY)tarded?
SpongeBob: Oh no, Mr. Krabs… he's PEtarded!
[Laugh track. Cut to The Krusty Krab in disarray due to Peter's foolishness. There is fire everywhere and the customers are screaming. Mr. Krabs walks out of his office.]
Mr. Krabs: Now THAT was a fantastic– OH HOLY MOTHER OF NEPTUNE!! SQUIDWARD!!!!
Squidward: It wasn't me this time, you red b(WHALE SOUND)stard.
Mr. Krabs: Oh. I see. SPONGEBOB!!!!
SpongeBob: Yeah, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: (pointing to his wrecked restaurant) What is the meaning of this?
SpongeBob: I would never do that, Mr. Krabs! Never in a million years!
Mr. Krabs: I know, lad, but I know for a fact that it was your little friend!
Squidward: Well actually he's far from little.
[Squidward slaps his knee and laughs at his own joke.]
Mr. Krabs: See boy, this is why we can't have humans down here! They're always f(SEAL BARKS)cking sh(I AM RUNNING OUT OF ANIMAL NOISES)t up.
SpongeBob: But he's my friend!
Mr. Krabs: Well, he can be your penpal, but just get him out of me restaurant!!
SpongeBob: Oh come on, surely he can't be that bad.
[Peter walks up to the others with a bloated belly.]
Peter Griffin: I ate the pink bastard.
Patrick: (from inside Peter's stomach) Now I know how a barnacle ball feels.
SpongeBob: Point made. I can stand the whole "destroying the Krusty Krab" part because that happens all the time and it'll be fine by the next episode because this show has no continuity, but you do NOT vore my friends!
Peter Griffin: But he tasted good!
SpongeBob: Spit him out, Peter.
Peter Griffin: But–
SpongeBob: NOW.
Peter Griffin: Aw, fine.
[Peter barfs out Patrick.]
Patrick: Hm, that wasn't that bad now that I think about it. In fact, I think I have a new kink now.
SpongeBob: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, PETER!! YOU GAVE MY FRIEND A VORE FETISH!!
Peter Griffin: Well in my defense that wasn't my intent.
SpongeBob: Okay, Peter, we have all agreed that you are a threat to our society and you… have to go back where you came from.
Peter Griffin: wait wut
SpongeBob: Yeah, sorry to break it to you pal, (getting teary-eyed) but you're causing too much disorder in Bikini Bottom and…
[SpongeBob drops to the floor crying and hugs Peter's legs.]
SpongeBob: We all agreed it was best if you go back to the surface! (bawls some more)
Peter Griffin: Back to the surface?
Mr. Krabs: You… do know how to get back up to the surface, don't you?
Peter Griffin: …No.
Squidward: Well, bloons is always an option.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, I think I've got an idea!
[Cut to SpongeBob, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Peter just outside the Krusty Krab.]
Peter Griffin: Are you sure that's gonna get me back up to the surface?
Mr. Krabs: Of course! This is a cartoon after all, me boy.
SpongeBob: This is a what?
Squidward: Don't worry about it.
Mr. Krabs: Alright Peter. Are you ready? Got all your belongings?
Peter Griffin: One second.
[Peter and SpongeBob give each other their addresses.]
SpongeBob: Don't worry Peter, (sniff) I'll be sure to write to you sometime.
Peter Griffin: Likewise, my little sponge friend.
Mr. Krabs: Alright, enough of this.
[Mr. Krabs pinches Peter's ass, causing him to jump all the way up to the surface, yelping in pain and holding his injured buttocks all the way.]
SpongeBob: Goodbye Peter!
Mr. Krabs: Alright then, where were we? (he looks back at the still burning and wrecked Krusty Krab) Oh right, ME F(honk honk)CKING RESTAURANT IS RUINED!!
Squidward: It'll be fine by the next episode.
SpongeBob: Next episode?
Squidward: Don't worry about it.
[Cut to SpongeBob's home at night. He puts a picture of himself and Peter on the wall and looks at it with tears in his eyes.]
SpongeBob: Goodnight, Peter.
[Cut to Peter's house, where he is looking at the same picture on his wall.]
Peter Griffin: I need to take a massive poo.
[the end]
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