Return to Bikini Bottom

Return to Bikini Bottom is the seventy-first episode of Cult of Squid. It released on January 19th, 2024 and was written by User:Locknloaded23.
==Plot==
The Cult returns to Bikini Bottom and find that nearly everyone has been mind controlled by Project Phoenix. They run into some old allies, and encounter a mysterious stranger that is hellbent on eliminating them at any cost.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins with the group trekking through the snowy blizzard, with Squidward leading charge)
Squidward: Keep going, guys. We’re almost there.
Crayons: I can barely see through this snow! 
Squidward: Yeah? Well, we’re too far to go back or give up; we either get over there or we freeze to death here, and that second option isn’t what I’m going for.
SpongeBob: How far even are we?
Noseward: We’ve been walking for what seems like 30 minutes. I think I’m gonna freeze to death in this cold…
Squidward: If you want to freeze to death, be my guest! But god dammit, we’re out here to do a mission.
(Zoom into SpongeBob’s pocket, where Plankton is visibly chattering and blue)
Plankton: S-s-s-so… Cold..
SpongeBob: I don’t think Plankton can handle any more of this cold, Squidward.
(Squidward stops and turns to see Plankton’s condition, sighs, then takes off both his mittens and wraps Plankton in them)
Squidward: There. I’m sure we’re almost to our destination. I hope my tentacles don’t freeze.
(Plankton turns from blue to green as he wraps up in Squidward’s mittens)
Plankton: Thank… Neptune… I genuinely think I was about to die…
(Squidward holds himself as his teeth begin chattering slightly)
Crayons: Squidward, I insist we stop here and set up a campsite or something. For all we know, we could be way far away from civilization as we know it.
Squidward: (Sigh) If that is what you all wish, I suppose it’s in my best interest to honor it. Do we have firewood?
Crayons: I have some in my bag here.
(Crayons drops his backpack on the floor and out falls several lumps of dried firewood)
Squidward: Why are you carrying a backpack full of firewood?
Crayons: Never know when it’ll come in handy, and it’s never failed me the one time I’ve used it. Which is right now.
(The rest just glare at eachother before they collectively shrug and sit by the firewood while Crayons set several pieces down and lights it on fire)
Squidward: Oh MAN, that feels good.
SpongeBob: You said it. This damn mountain was starting to drive me mad with how cold it was!
Squidward: So, how long are we gonna station here?
Crayons: Just until this blizzard passes, which, by my calculation, should be in about 3 hours.
Plankton: So we’re just gonna be sitting here for 3 hours?
Crayons: Hey, it’s either that or we all freeze to death in the harsh snow and let Project Phoenix succeed.
Plankton: Well… I guess I have no argument.
Squidward: Still, 3 hours is a really long time to wait.
Crayons: Sorry, but I can’t control the weather. I’m not thrilled by it either, believe me.
Squidward: (Deep sigh) Well, everyone get comfortable. This is gonna be a long, cold 3 hours.
(Fade to Phoenix Plaza, inside LRH’s castle. LRH is on his throne, when a Phoenix general marches in alongside several of the Phoenix’s Military)
LRH: Ah, how delightful to see you back here in one piece. Give me a status report.
General: Well, Lord Royal Highness, we tried our best, but that unholy monstrosity was not able to be beaten by our superior military.
LRH: (Slams fist on throne) WHAT?!
General: Forgive me, Highness, but that ungodly thing ate up all our bullets like it was nothing. Not even our Secret Weapon could-
(While he’s talking, LRH pulls out a gun and shoots the General with it, causing him fumble backwards and die)
LRH: I am not interested in hearing your petty excuses. What a waste of a general you turned out to be. Guards, put his corpse on display in the center of Phoenix Plaza! Send a crystal-clear message! Incompetence will not be tolerated, no matter what!
(2 surly Phoenix guards rush in and carry the body out the door)
LRH: Okay, now before you all get out of my castle, please let me know if there’s anything else I should know.
Phoenix Soldier: …The Cult, sir.
LRH: Yes, yes, now get out of- (sudden shocked look on his face as he pauses mid-sentence, before leaning forward) The Cult?!
Soldier: Yes, your highness, the Cult. We saw them at the North.
(LRH doesn’t comment, and instead slowly sits up and walk towards a window facing The North, staring at the mountain a bit before a smirk appears on his face)
Soldier: Sir?
LRH: Everyone, you’re dismissed. Return to your bases until further notice.
Soldiers: (In unison) Sir, yes, sir!
(All the Soldiers march out the door as LRH slowly walks across the room, to a door marked “DO NOT OPEN”)
LRH: Well, well, well. It seems I finally have an opportunity to deploy my secret weapon.
(LRH knocks on the door three times, causing it to swing open; from the shadows steps a tall but built figure cloaked in darkness until he steps into the light revealing the TattleTale Strangler with a chain across his throat)
LRH: Strangler, it’s time to once again put your skills to use.
Strangler: No way! You promised me a lot of money to be your bounty hunter, and I’ve gotten nothing from it! Nothing! I won’t do anymore killing for you until-
(Suddenly, LRH flashes a bright light at the Strangler causing his eye to turn into orange swirls)
LRH: That’s better. Now, Strangler, your mission is simple. I want you to be on the lookout for The Cult and Brother Squidward. If you see them… Murder them. No mercy. No mercy at all!
Strangler: Yes… Sir…
LRH: Now, GO! Patrol the perimeter of the town!
(The Strangler rushes out the door as LRH just sits back on his throne and smirks evily as it fades back to the gang in front of the fire)
Plankton: Has it been 3 hours yet?
Crayons: Plankton, you keep asking that. It’s not even been ONE hour.
Plankton: This storm f(dolphin chirp) sucks!
Squidward: Plankton, c’mon - no need for that language.
Plankton: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (Looks in the sky, sees a light poke through the clouds) Woah, look!
Squidward: At what? I can’t see anything in this stupid-
(a beam of sunlight shines on the ground in front of Squidward, and Squidward has a shocked look)
Squidward: Wha? Sun?
(The gang all look in the sky and see the snow slow down to a stop and the sky clear of clouds as the sun shines brightly in the sky)
Crayons: What? The blizzard already cleared? Huh… I guess my prediction was wrong.
Squidward: Well, everyone, we have a mission! And now that we can finally see where we’re going, we -
(Squidward takes a few steps forward as he speaks, but stops when he sees something offscreen)
Squidward: Hooooooooooooooooooooly…..
(Everyone stands by Squidward’s side and observe the same thing he does, with equally shocked looks; the camera pans to reveal they’re staring at Bikini Bottom, but it has transformed drastically; there is a big border across the town, several dark blue spotlights shining in the sky and the area around them, and there is a giant castle off in the distance)
Squidward: What… What in the… How… How long… How long were we…
Crayons: That’s… That’s insane! How…
Crayons: I’m… I’m not even sure where we begin with this mission.
Squidward: Well, our first priority is getting on the inside. But, I have no idea where to begin. 
Plankton: So… Bail?
Crayons: Shut up, Plankton.
Squidward: (Sigh) I suppose we should just examine the perimeter and try to find an opening.
SpongeBob: Honestly, I’m glad to just finally get off this stupid mountain. I was so tired of the coldness.
Squidward: Tell me about it.
Squidward: Well, let’s survey our options. Do you see any landmarks that we can base up at?
Crayons: No, none that- Wait. WAIT!
Squidward: Do you have an idea?
Crayons: Follow me - we need to go back to an old location!
(Crayons runs offscreen as everyone trails behind; fade to them walking in an empty patch of sand with Bikini Bottom off in the distance)
SpongeBob: Crayons, are we, like… Lost?
Crayons: No, no, keep following - we’re almost there.
Squidward: Hmmm… This place, it’s so oddly… Familiar.
Noseward: Yeah, I see what you mean, Squidward. Why do I feel like I’ve been here before? Several times as a matter of fact?
Crayons: Everyone, stop. We’re here.
(The camera pans out to reveal they’re in the middle of nowhere)
Squidward: Uh… We’re nowhere.
Crayons: No, we’re not, Squidward. Do you know where we are?
Squidward: Uh… No?
Crayons: We’re at THE LODGE! Or more specifically, where the Lodge USED to be!
(Squidward suddenly has several flashbacks of him in the Lodge, followed by him imagining being right in front of the Lodge)
Squidward: Oh… Oh, damn, Crayons…
SpongeBob: You know, I knew this place seemed familiar!
Plankton: It seems like yesterday we were fighting a thousand wars right here.
Squidward: No, holy s[dolphin chirp], (points in front of hm) right over here! It’s where we fought The Seven Deadly… (Points somewhere else) And over there… It’s where I was killed by The Khomrades… (Points somewhere else again) And right over -
Crayons: Squidward, please. 
Squidward: Uh, sorry. Was caught up in the moment. It’s been years since I’ve even been here. So, uh, if you don’t mind telling me - why the Hell were we brought here?
Crayons: Check this out.
(Crayons rubs his hands on the sand in a few different spots, before he feels something beneath the sand; He continues rubbing to reveal a trap door buried in the ground)
Squidward: Woah, what the Hell?
Crayons: (Chuckles) Surprised, are ya?
Squidward: Crayons, what the Hell am I looking at?
Crayons: Nobody but me ever knew this, but the Lodge had a secret basement! 
Squidward: What… but how long has…
Crayons: I can explain later. Get in! 
(Crayons jumps in the basement, while the others are hesitant at first, but soon follow lead; cut to the inside of the dark basement, when Crayons pull a light switch revealing the basement is full of broken inventions and cobwebs)
Squidward: Woah, WOAH, holy Neptune! There's like…
Crayons: Every invention I've ever made? Yeah, cool, isn't it? 
SpongeBob: It's so dirty and dusty down here, it feels like I'm gonna sneeze my lungs out just by standing here. 
Squidward: How have you hidden this from me for so many years?
Crayons: I never told anyone about this place. Not even you. It's been totally hidden for all these years; I don't think even Satan knew this place existed!
Squidward: So, why'd you bring us here?
Crayons: Well, we can use this basement as a temporary hiding spot, free from Phoenix's control. We're safe in here - as long as no one ever finds out where we are. And that gives us plenty of time to prepare and plan for our inevitable battle with those lunatics! 
Noseward: Hey, if it's a hiding place that isn't covered in snow and coldness, I'm all for it. 
Crayons: That's the spirit! 
(Crayons walks around the basement observing all the old inventions that are stored there)
Crayons: Now, I predict we have just enough material here from my old machinery to build a heavy arsenal of weapons and other gear. It may take a while, though. Recycling inventions into new ones takes more time than just building new inventions. 
Squidward: I don't care how long it takes, as long as it can be used to take down Phoenix, that's all that matters in my book. 
(SpongeBob's stomach begins growling)
SpongeBob: Crayons, I'm starving! How are we gonna get ourselves some food from down here? 
Crayons: Check under that tarp.
(SpongeBob focuses his gaze on a large piece of tarp covering something big; he slowly approaches it and uncovers it to reveal a huge pile of canned bread. Squidward’s jaw drops when he sees this)
SpongeBob: Eugh, canned bread? I hate that stuff.
Crayons: Well, sorry, but it’s all I’ve got. It’s this or nothing.
Noseward: I could go for some canned bread.
Plankton: I’m so hungry, I don’t care what we eat.
Jerry: I ain’t hungry.
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I’d rather eat this than starve to- (notices Squidward’s face) Uh… Is Squidward okay?
Crayons: What do you- (Notices Squidward) Oh, God, no! GET HIM AWAY FROM-
(Squidward dives into the piles of cans and starts eating all of them in quick succession, while the others try pulling him away; they eventually pull him out the pile and hold him down, but are dismayed when they see there’s very few cans left)
Plankton: You’ve GOT to be kidding!
Crayons: (Frustrated sigh) Don’t be mad at him, everyone. It’s my fault. I forgot he was obsessed with this stuff.
Squidward: Ughhhh… My stomach hurts…
Crayons: Noseward, look after Squidward and make sure he doesn’t puke. I need to sort all this out. Meanwhile, why don’t SpongeBob and Plankton go out to try and find some food?
Plankton: Food? Where the Hell would we find food in this post-apocalyptic hellscape?
Crayons: Do you know nothing about survival training? Just gather a bunch of ingredients, such as plants and algae, and bring ‘em back here. 
SpongeBob: Aye Aye, Crayons! Plankton, are you ready to go?
Plankton: Sure am! Let’s do it!
(SpongeBob and Plankton rush out the door; cut to see them walking out in the empty fields of Bikini Bottom, picking up all the plants and coral they can get their hands on)
SpongeBob: Boy, there sure is a lot of this stuff.
Plankton: Yeah, you’d think that after Satan nearly destroyed the entire world all vegetation would cease to grow.
SpongeBob: To be fair, that was like, 3 years ago. These plants had plenty of time to grow back.
Plankton: I suppose so. How many do we have, anyway?
SpongeBob: I picked up 14 pieces of vegetation, such as seaweed and plants, and 20 pieces of coral. 
Plankton: Splendid! That’s sure to feed us for all the time we need!
SpongeBob: So, shall we be heading back?
Plankton: Sounds good to me.
(SpongeBob and Plankton begin walking back to the base, but the camera pans down to reveal 2 Phoenix soldiers were watching them from behind a rock. They laugh as SpongeBob and Plankton walk off into the distance; cut back to the base, where Squidward is holding a bucket and is visibly green while Crayons is taking apart old inventions)
Crayons: Man, it breaks my heart to tear up my old inventions like this. I spent 5 months on this flying machine! Of course, uh, it didn’t ever work.
Squidward: (Groaning) I don’t ever want another piece of canned bread ever again…
(Squidward throws up into the bucket as Noseward watches and holds back his own barf)
Jerry: Ha! Weaklings. 
Noseward: Shut up, you. You’re not the one sitting right next to a puking man.
Jerry: Back on the mountains I puked nearly everyday.
Squidward: Please don’t say the word puke…
(Squidward throws up again)
Crayons: Squidward, how are you feeling?
Squidward: Not great, Crayons.
Crayons: Well, keep throwing up until you feel better. Throw up harder!
Squidward: Uh… 
Crayons: Throw up some more! That’s the quickest way you’ll feel better!
(Squidward, hesitant, puts his hand into the back of his throat and throws up in the bucket three times while Crayons continues disassembling an invention, before staring at it)
Crayons: Let’s see, I suspect that I can get an entire supply of weapons created in around… 2 or 3 days.
Noseward: That’s a long time to wait.
Crayons: Hey, I aim for quality. If I rushed it, the weapons would suck. Quality over quantity! 
(A knock is heard from the outside of the base)
Crayons: Oh, that must be Plankton and SpongeBob! Before I check on them, are you feeling better after all that vomiting, Squidward?
Squidward: (Clears throat; weak tone) Yeah… I think.
Crayons: Noseward, keep him company while I -
(The door is knocked on even harder and even louder)
Crayons: Jeez, they’re impatient, aren’t they?
Noseward: It must be cold out there… or something.
(The trapdoor slowly opens on its own as everyone watches in fear and anticipation; SpongeBob and Plankton are seen standing in the opening)
Crayons: Ah, Plankton and SpongeBob! Welcome back to-
(Suddenly, the two are pushed down the staircase to the basement as two Phoenix soldiers reveal themselves to be behind them the whole time with guns) 
Crayons: WHAT THE HELL-
Phoenix Guard 1: CAN IT! EVERYONE OUT OR WE SHOOT!
Phoenix Guard 2: HANDS IN THE AIR!
(Everyone in the basement, except SpongeBob and Plankton who are knocked out on the floor, nervously walk out the basement with their hands above their heads)
Crayons: I just don’t understand… How could you have possibly-
Phoenix Guard 1: Found you? Well, we caught those 2 bastards wandering aimlessly. We got the jump on ‘em!
Phoenix Guard 2: Now, SHUT UP- anyone who talks, gets shot! I won’t think twice!
Phoenix Guard 1: Just follow us. We’re turning you in to the almighty Lord Royal-
(Suddenly, the guard stops talking as a loud “THWACK” sound is heard; the guard just stands totally still with a shocked expression)
Phoenix Guard 2: What the Hell? Are you-
(The same thwack is heard as the other guard stands still as well before they both fall to the ground, revealing Squilliam Fancyson is behind them with a big cane)
Squidward: Squ-squ-SQUILLIAM?!
Squilliam Fancyson: Surprised to see me again, Squiddy?
Squidward: Well… Yeah! It’s been several months since I last saw you. I just assumed you were taken by Phoenix!
Squilliam Fancyson: Those Phoenix fools wish they could capture me. I’ve had so much survival training as a young lad that I could survive anything.
Crayons: Followup question… How did YOU find us?
Squilliam: Well… When the sea started shaking and that unholy monstrosity was spotted upon those mountains, I knew you were still alive and were going to return here soon. So I staked out by the foot of the mountains, waiting for if I could see you guys return, and I did - so I followed you here.
Squidward: Squilliam, please tell us - how bad has it gotten since you last saw us?
Squilliam: I’m afraid it’s gotten pretty bad. Since I last saw you, Phoenix expanded their territory further and further, using some sort of mind control - it’s the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s as if those taken by Phoenix lose their soul entirely!
Squidward: It’s the Rebirth.
Squilliam: Rebirth?
Squidward: I saw it myself. I nearly got “Reborn.” Somehow, LRH is mind controlling the masses into conforming to his will and turning Bikini Bottom into his own visions. I don’t know how he does it, I don’t understand how it works, but I do know that LRH himself can’t die or be wounded. 
Squilliam: (Deep sigh) So we’re fighting a leader who can’t die. It’s like running from your Cult all over again.
Crayons: Except it seems they are more successful.
Squilliam: The Cult killed to establish its dominance. Phoenix keeps their victims alive and erases their individuality. In a way, it’s more effective than what the Cult did.
(Pan to one of the knocked out Phoenix guards, who awakens but doesn’t get up; he sees the group conversing, and decides to weakly take out his radio)
Phoenix Guard: Sir… They’re… They’re here… We found them…
(The guard passes out again as it cuts to LRH in his throne room)
LRH: So they’ve been found. I knew they were going to return - it was just a matter of time.
(LRH pushes a button on his throne; cut to Strangler outside the gates of the town, suddenly receiving an intense shock to his head as he roars and runs offscreen; cut back to the group who are now sitting by a campfire)
Squidward: I just can’t believe it’s gotten so bad.
Crayons: This town just can’t catch a break. First it was us, then it was Satan threatening the world as we know it, now it’s Phoenix. When will it end?
Squilliam: I feel you. I’m just a bystander, and I have to suffer all of this. Not a moment goes by where I don’t wish that civilization returned to normal.
Squidward: It’s the mind controlling that gets me. I mean, with mind control, LRH can basically do whatever he wants with the populace. That rubs me the wrong way.
Squilliam: It sure is a grisly concept.
Crayons: We don’t even know what LRH does to his victims to “Rebirth” them, or what “Rebirthing” even really is.
Squilliam: This battle seems unwinnable.
Squidward: Hey, so did our fight with Satan, and we won that. I’m certain we can crack the code of LRH’s weakness - we just need to work hard for it. 
(SpongeBob and Plankton both crawl out of the basement holding their heads)
SpongeBob: Ow… What happened?
Plankton: I got bruises all over!
SpongeBob: Last thing I can recall is being ambushed by Phoenix and pushed down the entrance.
Squidward: You didn’t miss much. Squilliam here saved us.
SpongeBob: I see.
Crayons: Say, Squilliam - what do YOU know about LRH?
Squilliam: Well… he sort of just came out of nowhere with this “Project Phoenix” thing, and the next thing I know, he brainwashes the whole town. So… not much more than you.
(A deep growl echoes across the field as everyone tenses up and freezes)
Squidward: Uh… Was that a seabear?
Crayons: Seabears are extinct, Squidward. Remember? 
(Cut to show a pair of feet running swiftly across the ground, soon moving to reveal that it’s Strangler running towards the Cult and Squidward; Squidward sees him coming and jumps out of the way; the camera freezes on a still frame of Strangler charging towards the group and everyone watching in shock as Squidward jumps out of the way)
Crayons: WOAH!
(The Strangler just screams as we see from his POV; his view of the world is tinted orange and he surveys everyone to find Squidward, who hides behind a rock while Strangler watches; the camera goes back to normal)
Squilliam: Strangler?!
Crayons: CRAP! WE HAVE NO WEAPONS!
Noseward: Then what can we do?
Crayons: I have no idea!
SpongeBob: F[dolphin chirp], I thought the Strangler died in jail!
(The Strangler turns towards SpongeBob, and punches him so hard he slides across the floor and is unconscious)
Strangler: SQU…SQU…BRING ME… BRING SQUIDWARD… I WANT… SQUIDWARD…
(The Strangler throws random punches across the air as Squidward continues hiding behind his rock)
Plankton: Uh, so, what’s the plan Crayons?
Crayons: I’m thinking! Just make absolutely SURE he doesn’t find Squidward!
Strangler: SQUI…SQUIDWARD…BRING SQUIDWARD…
(Squidward peaks from behind the rock and Strangler sees him; Strangler runs towards him as he helplessly stumbles backwards as he is grabbed by his throat and everyone screams)
Crayons: OH NO! F[dolphin chirp]!
(Noseward watches Squidward continue to be strangled as he suddenly growl angrily)
Noseward: You.. LEAVE.. HIM… ALONE!
(Noseward charges towards Strangler as Squidward’s face turns purple; however, seemingly out of nowhere, Strangler suddenly drops Squidward as he becomes stunned, while his eyes begin rapidly twitching)
Noseward: (Suddenly stops charging) What in the…
Crayons: Noseward… What did you do?
Noseward: I… Didn’t do anything…
(Squidward violently gasps for air as Crayons dives to him and begins pressing on his chest; Strangler, meanwhile begins twitching violently as he screams and falls backwards; everyone just stares at Strangler)
Noseward: Is he… Dead?
(Crayons slowly walks to Strangler’s unconscious body and puts his finger on his wrist)
Crayons: Nope. Still has a pulse. Noseward, what did you do? Did you, like, say anything while you were running?
Noseward: Uh… No, no, I don’t think so. I… I don’t know. I’m as confused as you are.
Crayons: (Sigh) Well, I guess I’ll have to spend my time solving this. But it seems we somehow found a way to reverse Rebirth, potentially. For now, all we know is that Noseward either did something or said something that triggered Strangler to drop unconscious. 
(Crayons grabs a rope out of his pocket and ties Strangler up with it)
Crayons: For now, I’ll keep him in our base for further research.
Noseward: So… What about Squidward and SpongeBob?
Crayons: Squidward’s in temporary shock, he’ll snap out of it soon. SpongeBob is unconscious, who knows for how long. It’s best to let him rest.
Plankton: I got lucky. If Strangler had gotten to me, I’d be dead 100%.
Crayons: Noseward, help me take these guys to our basement. It’s been a long day, let’s get some rest.
(The camera zooms out to show Crayons and Noseward dragging Strangler, Squidward and SpongeBob to the basement; fade to LRH in his castle, staring out his window as a soldier walks behind him)
Soldier: Sir? 
LRH: What is it? Make it quick. 
Soldier: Strangler hasn’t returned to his post. We fear he’s dead.
LRH: (Chuckles) Of course he is.
Soldier: Uh… Pardon me, sir?
LRH: Don’t you see? The plan was never to have Strangler kill them. He was weak! I weakened him! I knew they’d defeat them. No, Strangler was merely a warning. A warning to stay out of MY Bikini Bottom. And now that we know they’re around here… We can prepare. 
(LRH slowly and menacingly walks towards the Soldier, who walks backwards in fear)
LRH: THE STRANGLER WAS JUST A PAWN IN MY LITTLE GAME. DON’T YOU SEE? HE WAS WORTH NOTHING TO ME. JUST LIKE YOU!
(Out of nowhere, LRH slashes a sword through the Solider, leaving a scar across his body as he falls to the floor bleeding)
LRH: Now get out of my castle. Don’t bleed to death on my floor!
(The Soldier slowly lifts himself off the floor as he crawls out the castle door; LRH starts laughing menacingly as the episode fades to black)
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