"A Vampire Stalks My Vife!"

Nice of you to come HACK here GHOULS AND BOILS!  I was just in the middle of a classic book by MARK SLAIN: THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLESCARY FINN hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.  I absolutely love the part where THE OLD SCREAM-BOAT goes down THE MISSISSIPPI SHIVER!  Here's a shorter tale for you all to GROTESQUELY-GAG at in the mean SLIME.  It's titled...
It was back in the Autumn of 1887, where a gentleman lit his pipe and smoked it in a parlor in southern-Germany.  The gentleman heard the grandfather-clock out in the hall chime.  The clock read, "2:00 a.m." and the man got up from his chair, and went upstairs.  He checked on a woman in bed and asked her, "good afternoon my love.  Feeling better any?".  "Good afternoon, Percy, yes quite better darling zank you" she replied to him.  "Good my Vife" Percy stated and they kissed.  
That evening, Percy sat back in his parlor, and a shadowy-form cast itself in the light of the fire on the wall.  It was of a man and it lurched closer to Percy.  "A vampire stalks my Vife!" Percy shouted, rose from his chair with a hammer and a wooden-stake and rushed to the shadow on the parlor-wall.  The shadow came right through the wall and it was a vampire indeed.  The creature barred its white fangs at Percy, as its mustache glowed-white, along with the insides of its mouth and nostrils glowing-white also.  The vampire stood there in its white-shining trench-coat and cap, the monster's eyes shining-white too at Percy.  
Percy screamed in horror at the beast with its gray-flesh and white-glowing hair, that stuck out of its cap.  The thing lurched to him and spoke: "good evening, sir, your Vife has very sweet blood and I bet you did not know it vas I who vas ze vampire!".  "Clarence?  Vhy, you have been our butler for zese past nine years!!!!" Percy exclaimed in surprised shock.  Clarence The Butler twisted his grey, dangly-fingers, which contained black and long fingernails.  The vampire turned and was ascending the staircase, but Percy ran at it and jabbed the wood stake into its back, piercing it through its heart and chest.  Clarence The Butler Vampire hissed, turned around and sunk his fangs into Percy's cheek.  Percy screamed and, yanking the stake out of the thing's back.  
The stake was covered with slime of yellow, Percy dropped it, pulled a silver dagger from his pocket and sliced through the monster's neck with it.  Percy decapitated the vampire, killing it and causing more slime of yellow to spray and jut from its neck and severed-head.  The head of the thing rolled down to the bottom of the steps and Percy bent over the body, catching his breath.  
Clarence really SUCKED AS A BUTLER didn't he?  In the end, he not only lost his job...but his HEAD as well aha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!