S05E22: The Gang Encounters Murderous Goo

== Background ==
=== What Carlos thinks happened last week ===
* Kanye kicked in a door
* We agonized for 35 to 40 minutes about the mechanics and accessibility of, I’m gonna guess, a magic boat
* Averlyth killed someone and then brought them back from the dead
* Hamburger Menu tried to trick people into letting him out of the coffin
=== What actually happened ===
* We got into the treasury, engaged in a lengthy negotiation with the Bone Devil for whether or not we would give him a body so he’d disarm the trap on Qualish’s journal
* Um disarmed it while we were deciding
* We got all the Brooklyn Nine-Nine into (faceless) cultist’s bodies
* We have cultist brains available for trade with the Sphinx
* Clifton is in her own body
* Clifton got tied up and is being sent back to Trey?
* Bone Devil is in Vampire body, in coffin
* Vampire is in Bone Devil body
* Kanye cast the teleportation circle to make the island a target for Drakeguard magicians
* Vampire is staying with us as a party member
== Pre-Session ==
-- Rewinding back to the end of the quest on the floating monastery --
The group debates what to do with Clifton.
Kanye points out Trey? is on the fartie talkie, which is now officially the group Slack. He responds when we ping him, and says he's honestly not interested in her getting shipped back if she doesn’t have money to pay for the airship she stole.
Carlos then asks if she's interested in re-joining the group, but she doesn't seem to be that into adventuring (easier ways to make money).
After a few rounds of shrugs, the group loses interest in actively deciding her fate and unties her.
Kanye gives her an upgraded decoder ring (she checks that it’s made of pure silver for pawning potential) and then she steals the face cape and jumps off the island while flipping us off, using the cape as a parachute. It's about as effective as it sounds.
Next up, the Brooklyn Nine-Nine guys walk in with their newly acquired, faceless cultist bodies.
First, they ask if we can get them faces, then they ask if we know where Qualish is.Kanye: I think the first thing should have been… thank you?Averlyth says they can take any face around the island, since we have the machinery to reattach it to the bodies in the medical building. Carlos says they’re allowed to take everything except for what’s on the top shelf. We don’t have the answer to where Qualish is, but we mention we're also interested in finding that out and promise to keep them posted, and they head off to get “new” faces.Carlos: I mean new to you. They’re used faces.The group now looks at the Grandmaster-in-the-vampire body, who is continuing to cuss us out from the muted coffin. Hamburger Menu says he does enjoy the Bone Devil body, but that this body configuration would risk the Grandmaster accidentally going free while in a powerful vampire body, as the coffin isn't actually perfect (e.g. could be destroyed without killing the vampire if the coffin fell off the island).
The group spends excessive time debating the possible permutations of body/mind arrangements with the parties available, as well as the ethics of each transaction.Kanye: I really like the idea of having a spare brain, in case we need to in-cor-po-re-ate someone?The group can’t decide which body the Grandmaster or Hamburger Menu should be in and move onto discussing the other pros and cons of our options.Um: So the only thing you care about is whether or not we keep this coffin?Kanye: Yeah I spent all this time bedazzling it.The group finally makes the moral decision to put the Grandmaster’s brain into a potato so Carlos can carve it into an angry pipe.
Upon Averlyth's suggestion, Hamburger Menu is swapped back into his original body, and then Kanye is gleefully given the honor of pulling the lever to let him out. Someone rips up the "Do not touch" sticky note.
Nissa is ready to make a fucking sweet Bone Devil tooth/claw necklace from the remaining body. As she extracts the claws from the body, she realizes they are shards of a vorpal sword.Nissa: Kanye look!Kanye: I have so many ideas!!Nissa also recovers the crown and scepter that the Bone Devil body was wearing. They appear to be made out of rare metal alloys from the planar ship. The crown is probably worth 500 gold, the scepter probably 750g.
Nissa puts the crown on Kanye. It looks damn good.
-- Fast forward week and a half to two weeks--
The Drakeguard have taken over management of this place. Some of the Brooklyn Nine-Nine guys have stayed around to help keep things running, although they haven’t joined the Drakeguard as official members.
The former cult members are in prison, and the former prisoners were released. A lot of them agreed to stick around to continue to work on the condition that they get their faces back.
Kanye, fucking around by the throne one night (“polishing his crown”) accidentally launches a portal.
The legendary city of Doin Gloin stands before us.
== Session ==
Nissa is freaking out about how cool it is we’ve found this legendary city and there’s like glass people and people going crazy and things? Bird people polishing glass people? Something something legendary also bird people?
Averlyth definitely thought the legend of the city was a marketing stunt.
We make our way down the path to a collection of buildings still above whatever the barrier is.
As we get closer, everyone notices a bunch of unusual things. Most of the buildings and towers that have fallen over are resting on whatever the layer around the city is, but there are still some stuff under it. For instance, we can see the bones of some small animals right under the layer, and some crumbling wall and statuary that are hanging in the middle of the air.
Kanye thinks it may be a gigantic monster with the consistency of a gelatinous cube. Kanye and Um have an impromptu-but-friendly competition to skip rocks over the surface glistening around the city - Kanye wins when he hurls a larger rock that plops and sorta sinks a little. Nissa gives him a gold star.
We see humanoid glass statues scattered all throughout Doin Gloin: on alcoves on the top of towers, on roads, within buildings, and in the open. Many of the ones above the 30ft high surface of the ooze show chips and cracks from age, but all the ones below appear perfectly intact, yet uncannily lifelike.
Nissa and Um notice a non-insignificant number of the statues are Kenku, or a rare species of bird people.
We continue down a trail that leads all the way into the city. As we approach, we notice more strange details through the unnaturally clear ooze; unlike the figures above, the hundreds of glass statues on the ground are arranged as if displayed in everyday life scenes, and decorated with glass baubles that appear almost like fruits.
Carlos contemplates if the ooze is merely surrounding the architecture or within the buildings as well. It takes us awhile to scout around, but we’re able to find a half-submerged tower that answers the question - we can see ooze inside it as well. There may be air-tight buildings, but this one definitely isn’t.Hamburger Menu: Have we tried to reason with [the goo]?Someone: Or stabbing it?Kanye: Or burning it?Averlyth: We haven’t even confirmed it’s alive?!Hamburger Menu pops his sun-umbrella open, walks over to the ooze, and taps on it with a friendly “Hello”.
Suddenly a nebulous tentacle of ooze emerges to grab him.
Though quick, it's no match for the vampire’s swiftness, and it snatches at him for about 10 feet before giving up, retreating back into the mass.
The group restarts the strategic planning session with this new information.Kanye: This valley is Um’s Kryptonite - there’s no ceiling!!!Kanye might be trying to get the ooze inside the Bone Devil body?? What?
The group is suddenly inspired by the scientific potential of the newfound creature/material.
Carlos asks Hamburger Menu to poke it again so he can Ray of Frost the tentacle. Hamburger Menu obliges, and Carlos doesn't miss; the tentacle breaks off, and there’s now a chunk of frozen ooze on the ground as the rest of it quickly retracts itself.
Kanye runs up to scoop the frozen ooze in the spare brain in a jar.Averlyth: Wait, were we carrying that in the coffin?Kanye: No, I was carrying it! In case we need to in-cor-po-re-ate someone!Nissa: You know Kanye doesn’t carry anything.Kanye makes a fire to thaw out the ooze.Carlos: Melt, or thaw?DM: There’s… not a whole lot of difference in this case.As the sample heats up, the ooze loses its shape - but it does appear to still be alive.
Carlos starts yelling at the jar, "Who do you work for?!". It quivers angrily at the noise, but doesn't respond. Right before he gives up, we can hear words through the speaker on the jar. It’s immediately clear this is not the brightest intelligence in the world.Kanye: We need to give this ooze an unsolvable logic puzzle, then reintroduce him to the gelatinous valley!Kanye: This is gonna be great!Kanye: I forgot, what are we in Doin Gloin for again?We put the angry brain jar next to the angry jar of bees, angry Grandmaster potato pipe and angry nitpicker, before continuing to over-evaluate our options.Carlos: Let me get this straight.. You want me to smoke out the ooze?Um: Can ooze smoke?The group needs a reminder of why we’re here - we’re looking for Qualish, who was looking for Doin Gloin.
Um asks if we should consider yelling “Qualish”.
Hamburger Menu theorizes if there is an evil beaver dam somewhere in the valley, responsible for this buildup of ooze.
After a few more minutes of not-progress, the group decides the best path forward is to actually move forward, and explore the location we've found ourselves in. Although the ooze is extremely unfriendly and not something we want to touch anytime soon, there are a handful of interesting buildings still looming high above the surface. We decide to spend each night of the following week investigating them, starting with the Ziggurat ("which looks like a vault-y thingy, so it probably has treasure").
The group makes their way around the perimeter of the city and make camp close to the Ziggurat to prepare for the night expedition.Hamburger Menu: It’s hard to hold my sun umbrella when I’m a pile of bats.Kanye: You could have 2 bats carry 1 umbrella!
At night, the vault looks the same as it did during the day. There are quite a lot of rooms visible above the ooze.
There is also a huge, monstrous-looking mechanical squid or kraken thing squirming around in the ground-level entranceway of the vault, deep within the ooze.
It’s not patrolling or moving around outside - it’s just poking its head out of the doorway of the ziggurat, then going back in.
Kanye is struck with a desire to procure ooze samples for further experimentation. After collecting some more in tupperware, he discovers its mildly (but not abnormally) conductive, and extremely acidic.
Extrapolating what he already knows about gelatinous oozes, Kanye is able to conclude this is essentially a titanic gelatinous cube. Its armor class is very very very low. It has effectively infinite hit points, it is fairly strong, not very dexterous, has pretty good constitution (not susceptible to poison). It’s not smart, wise, or charismatic.Kanye: And we think that guy’s inside the ooze? Maybe he doesn’t want anyone bothering him. I think we should leave him alone.Satura makes a surprise visit to propose using bleach - she takes some from Averlyth's personal stash and throws it on the ooze. The ooze fizzes and is clearly not happy. Satura is informed there’s a lot more ooze than she originally thought [and we might not have enough bleach for that].Um: Why don’t we inspect the building we said we would?Hamburger: Yes! Let’s explore the obviously explorable building!Kanye asks if he can drive the coffin into the ooze like a submersible. Carlos answers by casting Gaseous Form on Kanye so he has to float over instead, without the coffin.
We briefly consider if Woodhouse, Dr. Snuggleface, and others should be left at the base camp.DM: Kanye, just to be clear - [this means] you do not have your flamethrower.Kanye: I’m a gas, I don’t even have a form!It’s too complicated so we don’t do that.Kanye: Wait, where’s the Bone Devil?DM: Parts of him are a potato, parts of him are in Nissa’s bag.Nissa: And around my neck :)Um makes his way into the top floor of the Ziggurat first, the rest of the party tailing him.
This floor is one whole room, with a stairwell on the far end. There’s an enormous clockwork machine that occupies one entire wall. The main component is a coffin-like structure that looks suspiciously similar to Hamburger Menu’s old prison.
Hamburger Menu walks up to it, inspecting it closely. He knows every nook and cranny from his coffin and it’s unmistakable this coffin is made by the same person.
Peering into the glass window of the coffin, we see the horrifically jellified remains of a corporeal Kenku wearing an ornamental helmet and shackles.
She open her eyes.“I am Kenku, High Priest, Jellybean. Why are you laughing?”The voice is distorted, coming out of a loudspeaker on the machine, and each voice sounds artificially combined. It’s as if someone had recorded human voices and tied snippets together in an imitation of speech.
We learn that she was a magic user in life and may have been imprisoned by Qualish himself, almost a century ago.
She asks if we can let her out. Hamburger Menu reminds us that he was also previously in a coffin and it was for a really good reason.
She mentions she would normally have been forced to attack us with the mechanical tentacles (not the slime tentacles), and is glad that didn't have to happen. It seems like the helmet and shackles has some connection to the mechanical beast we saw downstairs.
Jellybean doesn’t recommend wearing the helmet/shackles to control it. It also actually seems like Jellybean may be more of a battery than a pilot.
Um is confident there is more to the story she's not saying, but he’s also suspicious of everyone in general.
According to Jellybean, Qualish just showed up one day and was a total dick. “Everyone was just going about their business, worshipping and living their best lives”, then he did a bunch of science and got real judgey.
The group does not trust Jellybean enough to let her go just yet, and concludes we could always free her after investigating more of the building.
Kanye looks as hard as he can but he cannot find the spigot on the coffin to get a sample of Jellybean “like soft serve”.
Averlyth and Um investigate the arcane notes on a table further down the room - they detail incantations that are frankly gibberish to us. There are also some journals that are obviously written by Qualish himself. They describe that he was working on creating mobile apparati to move around under the slime, and they describe this place as a temporary workshop.
The journal also describes his desire to create a final laboratory hidden behind an extradimensional space and how he experimented with the city’s material.
There are technical notes about using baubles to create extradimensional spaces. We guess the rest of the notes would tell us how to repair the apparati, etc.
The group decides to keep moving for now. We walk over to the stairwell at the end of the floor.
Carlos establishes Kanye is still in mist form. The spell does not expire for an hour and he is not dispelling the spell until there is a Kanye problem, such a door that needs kicking down. The group requests Kanye to bravely scout ahead for dangers.Kanye: What kind of pain does mist feel?Downstairs, Kanye clearly finds a garage full of apparati, such as clockwork skeleton, kraken, etc. There’s one at the back that draws his eye - it looks like a tank that could probably hold like 10 people inside.
His “trained woodworker eyes” calculate that it can be made operational with the right notes and materials.
At the far end of this room, he sees what normally would’ve been used as lift (like a huge elevator to get them up to the 2nd floor) - now, there’s instead just a hole revealing the surface of slime. Presumably, the kraken guard is down there somewhere.
(The group suddenly realizes the baubles on the city floor might be pocket universes, and that they probably should leave their pocket dimensions back in the camp before their next outing.)
Kanye goes back upstairs to inform us of what he’s found, using an elaborate method of 3D modeling the room downstairs with his misty body.Kanye: When we go into a pocket universe, is it just our mind?Carlos: What kind of pot did you get?DM: This is like when I’m putting my 6 year old to bed.The group is briefly confused about Jellybean’s gender because every pronoun has been used this session.Hamburger Menu: Would you say Jellybean’s gender-fluid?DM: Well, she’s fluid now!The group decides to go back upstairs to let Jellybean go. Hamburger pulls the lever to free her (feeling a great sense of satisfaction); Averlyth holds a newly acquired bucket just under the coffin opening, ready to collect as much of her body as possible.
As the coffin opens, we hear a powering down noise. As far as we know, nothing bad immediately happens.
About 99% of Jellybean is brought to the elevator shaft hole downstairs, where she's poured thanklessly into the ooze.
Kanye sits on the side, contemplating what life even is. Carlos resists the temptation to reform him back into solid and kick him off the edge.
-- Fast & Furious Montage over the course of 5 or 6 hours --
The group reviews the arcane notes that explain how to get the apparatus of Qualish working. We have to do a bit of kit bashing, we find a power source, we fix a seal that wasn’t working, etc.
It’s all detailed up - the notes are very very good - and we even have the confidence we could make another one if this one gets totally trashed.
When we’re done, we’re able to fully fix an Apparatus of Qualish.
It can fit 10 people, and is designed for the acidity and density of the ooze. We should be able to move around Doin Gloin with no problem - in fact, his journals claim he has tested the device in the ooze already.
Hamburger Menu is firmly against entering into the apparatus because "that's how they got him the first time". (Which is perfect because Chuck will be missing the next few sessions).
Category:Episodes