The Secret Life of Pets/Transcript

==Transcript==
MAX: I've lived in this city all my life. I'm Max. And I'm the luckiest dog in New York because of her. (BARKING) That's Katie.
Katie and I...
Well, we have the perfect relationship.
We met a few years ago.
And, boy, let me tell ya, we got along right away. (WHINING)
It was one of those relationships where you just know. (LAUGHS)
(TOY SQUEAKS)
And get this!
She was looking for a roommate. And so was I!
So I just moved in that same day.
(PANTING) It was perfect.
(BARKING) We've been together ever since.
Katie would do anything for me.
(PIGEON COOING) And I'm her loyal protector.
(BARKING)
(SQUAWKS) (WHINING)
(LAUGHING)
MAX: Our love is...
How do I put this? (STUTTERING)
Our love is stronger than words.
Or shoes.
It's me and Katie.
(PANTING) Katie and me.
Us against the world.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(LAUGHING) (BARKING)
I wouldn't go so far as to call us soul mates, even though any sane person who saw us would.
(CHUCKLES)
There's just one little problem.
(GROWLING SOFTLY) Pretty much every day...
Come on, Max.
...she leaves.
I'll see you tonight.
MAX: Sometimes I try stuff to get her to stay.
Okay.
Sit.
Spin.
Speak. (BARKS)
(LAUGHS) Okay. That's a good boy.
MAX: But it never works.
Where is she going?
(BARKING)
What could she possibly be doing?
(SIGHS)
Oh, I miss her so much.
(KEYS JINGLING) (GASPS)
(STUTTERING) Oh my! She's back!
(BARKING) Forgot my phone.
What took so long? Why did you...
Oh, come on!
Oh!
I miss her so much.
WOMAN #1: Bye, Gidget. Be a good doggy.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SMACKING LIPS)
(GRUNTING)
Hey, Max.
Hey, Gidget.
Any plans today?
Uh, yes.
Big, big stuff today, Gidget. I got big plans.
I'm gonna sit here, and I'm gonna wait for Katie to come back.
Oh, that sounds exciting.
Well, I won't interrupt.
I've got a very busy day, too. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
WOMAN: Here you go. See you later, Chloe.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(CLATTERING)
(BARKING)
MAN 1: Bye, Peppy.
(URINATING) (SIGHS)
MAN 2: So long, Mel.
(TWEETING)
MAN 3: Bye, Sweetpea.
See you, Gino.
Bye, Mr. Wiggles. So long, pal.
GIRL: I'll miss you, Shelly!
MAN 4: Later, Runty.
WOMAN 3: Bye, everyone.
WOMAN 4: Bye.
(TWITTERING)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
(GROANING)
Mmm. (GROANING)
(WHIMPERS)
(GROANS)
(YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(BARKING)
(BARKING)
(CLATTERING)
(GROANS)
(HOWLS SOFTLY)
(CLATTERING)
(GROANS)
(MEOWS)
(THUDDING)
MAN: You be a good boy, Leonard. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING DISTANTLY)
(MEOWS) (THUDDING)
Hey, Max.
Hey, Chloe, do you ever wonder where they go during the day?
Do you know what? I just...
I don't really care. (GRUNTS)
Maybe that's what it's like for you, but Katie and I have a different relationship.
You're a cat. So maybe that's why.
Because nobody could ever love a cat the way they love a dog.
I'm just saying. Maybe that's why.
Whatever you need to tell yourself.
(GRUNTS AND SCREAMS)
(PURRS) (SWEETPEA TWITTERING)
Hey! Morning, Max!
MAX: Hey, guys.
What's up, Sweetpea? (TWITTERING)
Hey, Mel, where you been, man?
Oh! Get this!
Last Sunday, my owner feeds me a small white pill, right?
I start to feel a little groggy.
The next thing I know, I wake up, I'm in the sky!
Wait a minute. The sky?
Yeah. There are suitcases everywhere. I'm locked up in a crate.
(CHUCKLES) Come on. There are suitcases in the sky?
So, I pass out from fear, and when I wake up I'm in Florida.
Um. This did not happen.
I will never eat a pill like that again.
Unless it's covered in peanut butter.
Because, I mean, come on! Right? It's peanut butter!
(METAL CLATTERS)
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Norman. (GASPS)
You still looking for your apartment? (PANTING)
Yeah. Going on three weeks now.
Is this the second or the third floor?
I don't know any numbers, but, uh, you don't live here.
Ah! Pellets!
Well, see you guys later.
You know what? You can do it!
He can't do it. (DOOR OPENING)
Buddy! There you are.
(STUTTERING) Did you find it?
(LAUGHS) You know I did.
(EXCLAIMING IN FRENCH) (BALL SQUEAKS)
BOTH: Ball!
Ball, ball, ball! (LAUGHING)
MAX: Katie's gonna be so excited!
This is exactly like the one she lost!
I mean, look at it! (HOWLS)
It's round. It fits in my mouth.
ALL: Ball! (LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Ooh!
(PURRING)
(CRASHING) (CHLOE MEOWING)
(THUDDING)
(CHUCKLING) There is no other ball in the city like this one ball, guaranteed. Whoa!
This is the ball.
(CHLOE PURRING)
(CHLOE YOWLING) (CRASHING)
(KEYS JINGLING) (DOOR UNLOCKING)
KATIE: Hey.
(GASPS) Katie!
I'm home, Max. (BARKING)
Hey, Maximilian.
How was your day, buddy?
That's a good boy.
Oh, yes. I'm so psyched to see you too, buddy.
(THUDDING) Okay, boy. Calm down, it's okay.
Let's all be calm.
Now, I have some big news.
(THUDDING CONTINUES) I know this'll take some getting used to, but I think it's gonna be a great thing in the long...
(THUDDING) Oh!
(PANTING) Max, this is Duke.
(GASPS)
He's going to be your brother.
(GROWLING)
(WHIMPERS) No, Max.
It's gonna be all right, Duke.
It's okay.
(SNIFFING)
(BARKS)
Aww. See? He likes you.
(SPITS)
(LAUGHING) Whoa! (BARKING)
Aww. (LAUGHING)
Yeah, that's it, Duke. Take a look around. (BARKING)
(SIGHS) I know, buddy. This is a lot to take in.
But he didn't have a home.
So you and I are gonna have to take care of him. (GRUNTS)
Okay? (BALL SQUEAKING)
(GASPS) Oh, my gosh!
Duke found our lost ball!
(GASPS) What a great team we're gonna be. (SQUEAKING)
(AIR HISSING)
(bl*ws RASPBERRY)
(SNIFFS AND PANTS)
(GROWLING)
Love you, Maxie.
Love you, Duke.
(PANTING)
Sleep tight, boys. (KISSES)
Psst.
Psst.
Hey. Little guy.
This place is so great!
Uh-huh. By the way...
That is one gorgeous bed.
Yeah, it's okay.
Maybe we could share?
You know, one night you get the bed. The next night, I do.
That kind of thing.
You know, this bed is mine.
You? You get an old blanket.
That suits you.
You're an old-blanket kind of a dog. (CHUCKLES) Oh, wow.
You are stubborn.
Hey, I get it. I'm stubborn, too.
But we gotta learn to get along. Wait. What are you...
I bet we can both fit in this bed if we really try.
Let me scoot on in there.
No, wait. (SCREAMS) Ah!
Perfect. This is comfy, right?
(MUFFLED) No, it is not. (SIGHS)
(SCREAMS) I'm comfy.
Duke is just ruining our lives!
It's an emergency that you get rid of this dog.
He stole my...
(BARKING)
And he's scary, and he's frightening, and he's the death of all good things.
Aww. You little cutie pie.
We'll play tomorrow, buddy, okay?
Okay, sleep well.
(GASPS)
Are you trying to get rid of me?
Before I answer that...
I'd like to know how much you heard.
So, that's how it's gonna be, huh?
Oh, man, are you making me angry!
And when I get angry, I do this.
(GROWLS)
And I don't want to do that.
I need this place.
And if it's gonna come down to you or me...
It's gonna be me. (BARKS)
(YELLS)
(PANTING)
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
(DUKE SNORING)
Morning, Max!
Max! Max! What are you doing? Hi!
It's me! Hi! Hi!
Chloe!
Chloe, Chloe! I got a bad situation. (PURRS)
(TOY MOUSE JINGLING) Katie brought home a new dog from the pound.
She said he's my brother. I don't want a brother.
I don't even have a bed now.
I'm sleeping on the floor, like a dog.
Why would Katie do this to me?
Because she's a dog person, Max.
And dog people do weird, inexplicable things.
Like they get dogs instead of cats.
Okay, please don't start now, Chloe.
That is not helping.
Max? Come on, I'm your friend.
Okay? And as your friend, I gotta be honest with you.
I don't care about you or your problems.
But if you don't do something about this guy, and soon, your perfect little life with your dumb, bleh, human is gonna be over, forever.
Forever?
Forever. Yeah, that's what I just...
Why is this mouse on my paw still?
(SIGHS) Look, if you really want to get your turf back you're gonna have to start acting like the alpha dog.
Right. Alpha dog.
(STUTTERING) I can do that.
KATIE: Okay, okay. (GRUNTING) Please don't go!
This time, really don't go.
KATIE: I'm running late. I gotta go. Wait, wait. Stay!
Stay for the trick. "Spin!" I'm doing "spin."
You guys be good. I'll see you later.
Wait. No, look...
Okay, Max. (GRUNTS)
(MUNCHING AND SLURPING)
Listen, Duke. I'm not sure if you're aware, but one of those food bowls, technically...
It's reserved for...
I know, maybe you didn't read the names, but...
That's my bowl. Mmm.
I know that it... (STUTTERS) Hey... (GASPS)
I was just thinking, I don't know, maybe we could institute some ground rules.
(HUFFS) I just thought that...
Or not. I don't need a bowl.
Here again?
Rodent! (STUTTERING) Ah!
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
Oh, Duke.
Duke, Katie is not...
Katie's gonna be so upset when she sees that.
Katie's gonna flip out...
When she sees how you trashed her whole place.
Oh, it's just one vase.
Is it, Duke? Is it?
Oh, that's a shame.
What are you doing?
Whoa, what am I doing?
(CHUCKLES) Nothing. I'm a cute little doggy.
Katie knows I wouldn't do anything like this.
No, no. Whoa!
(GRUNTS)
Mmm.
This could only be the work of a dangerous stray, who hasn't laid down a foundation of trust. (GASPS)
You're the new dog.
(GRUNTS) And, Duke, what'd you go and do this for?
(GROANS)
I'm gonna... What? Bite me?
Rip my face off?
Perfect. Wait till Katie finds out.
Oh! Help, Katie! Thank goodness you're here.
I tried to stop him, but he's crazy!
(GRUNTS AND GASPS)
Now, sit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Lay down.
(SIGHS)
Good boy.
Hi, Max.
Hey, Gidget.
Who's your new roommate?
Is it a girl dog or a boy dog?
Not that I care. It doesn't matter to me.
Oh, that's nobody, Gidget. He's just visiting.
Yeah, he's gonna be gone soon.
Hey, what's up?
Oh, hi.
Your hat is the best hat I've ever seen.
Hey.
Uh, excuse me. Genius!
You forgot my leash.
(SIGHS)
Never mind.
Hey, fellas, how's it... (YELLS)
Hey, fellas, how's it... (CHOKING)
Hey, fellas... (YELLING)
Oh, uh... Say, Duke...
Yes?
Be a good lad and bring me a stick, won't you?
It would please me to chew on a stick just now.
You heard me. Fetch.
(GROANS)
Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, not that one.
That one doesn't please me.
Find a really good one, Duke.
(CRUNCHING)
(SPITTING)
Yeah, that's it.
(GRUNTS)
Hey, Max. Boy! Oh, wow.
There are a ton of sticks over here, Max!
You should come over and look at them. (LAUGHING)
Yeah, I wanna make sure I grab you the right one.
Well, that's very, uh, thoughtful.
DUKE: Look at all these sticks!
(YELLS)
MAX: Whoa!
Help! Help! (YELLING)
Hey, did you hear that?
Butterfly!
Butterfly! Butterfly! Let's get it!
Wha... What's...
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING AND GROANING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)
Huh?
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING) Whoa! (GRUNTS)
MAX: Help! Help!
So long!
MAX: Don't leave me here!
Didn't have to be this way, Max.
MAX: Wait! No hard feelings!
MAX: Duke!
Please!
Oy!
What's going on here?
Mind your own business. Oh, my gosh, what happened to you?
I had a fight. All right?
(MAX GRUNTS) With a big, stupid dog.
He lost.
Oh, you're headed into dangerous territory there, kitty-cat.
I'd watch your tone, sunshine.
You know what I'm gonna do? (GROWLING)
I'm gonna cut you into string, ball you up, and then bat you around for hours in a game that only I understand.
Oh, very nice.
I'll take that!
Wha... (GASPS)
(LAUGHING)
Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
You want to start with me, little raisin?
(HISSES) Okay.
Get your umbrellas out, kitties, because here they come!
The thunder and the lightning!
Right down on your face!
(CATS MEOWING ANGRILY)
Gosh, there are a lot of you up there.
I'm talking about the thunder and the lightning that's coming down on all of your collective faces!
att*ck on three...
(TEETH CHATTERING) Two...
(YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
I just remembered I gotta be somewhere!
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
That guy, huh? Am I right?
(ALL CONTINUE MEOWING ANGRILY)
Okay. You know what? I'm just gonna... (STAMMERING)
No offense, but good-bye!
(GRUNTS)
Whoa!
(MAX GRUNTING)
(IN SLOW MOTION) Whoa!
(MAX GRUNTS)
(YELLING)
(MEOWS)
(HISSES)
(LAUGHING)
Hey!
You little...
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
Duke?
(PANTING)
You came back?
Run!
(YELLS)
It's the po-po! Scram! (ALL MEOWING)
(GRUNTING) (BOTH GASP)
Wait!
Two, four, six, eight... Hmm...
See you tomorrow, Guillermo!
You know it.
Ten...
Eh, okay.
Right.
(BARKING)
Uh-huh.
Sheez, did you see that?
Yeah, I saw it.
Throw it with your arm, you lazy weirdo! (LAUGHS)
I would not fetch that. I'm old-school. (BOTH LAUGH)
(BANGING) (YELLS)
(SIGHS) (BANGING CONTINUES)
Thanks a lot, Duke.
I don't like to use this phrase because it's offensive to our kind, but you are a bad dog!
Katie's not going to like this.
I can't go to the pound.
What? What's wrong with you?
Well, Katie just...
She just got me out of the pound.
And if I go back...
Max, it's the end of the line for me.
(BANGING)
(MALE TV ANNOUNCER READING)
(GASPS) Yes! Mmm...
Why? Why?
What's the matter, Maria?
Maria, your face, it wears a thousand sorrows.
What is wrong?
Oh, I have come face-to-face with the worst thing in the world.
What? Oh, tell me, Maria. T ell me now!
I cannot bear another moment without knowing!
Loneliness.
(GASPS)
(BARKING) (GASPS)
Max! Max!
Max? Huh?
Hey, I see you, squirrel!
This is not your area!
We marked that tree!
(LAUGHING)
Don't you try and hide! I can see... Oh!
What was that?
How dare you!
GIDGET: Guys, where's Max?
Nobody likes you, squirrels!
(YELLS) (GRUNTS)
Guys, seriously, where is Max?
Calm down, girl. He's right...
Huh. He is gone.
Oh, it's fine.
I heard him screaming after he disappeared into those bushes.
Max is gone?
This is bad. This is so bad.
Maria, if he is your true love you must go to him!
Save him! Save him!
Yes! Yes! Save my true love!
(SQUEAKING)
I'm coming, Max!
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(CONTINUE SCREAMING)
(YOWLS)
(THUDDING)
Hi, Chloe. If anyone asks, (MEOWS)
I'm on my way to the roof to look for Max.
(MEOWS)
Okay, bye-bye.
(METAL SCRAPING)
(MUNCHING)
DOGCATCHER 2: Whoa. You see that?
Yeah, give me a second.
Oh! Hey, there, cute little bunny. Whatcha doing in the middle of the road?
(SNIFFLES)
(BOTH YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
MAN 2: Bunny! (GASPS)
What's going on?
What the... (SQUEALING)
(GRUNTING)
Save yourself!
Shut it, human!
Let's do this! Now!
Now! Yeah!
(ENGINE STARTING) Get off me!
Wait up!
Get off me, pig!
(GRUNTING)
Get off!
Ow! Ow!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
BOTH: Whoa... (GRUNTING)
What's happening?
I don't know!
(EXCLAIMING)
Ripper! Ripper, where you at?
Let's go, Ripper! I'm busting you outta here!
(SNORTS).
The revolution has gun! Liberated forever! Domesticated never! Yeah!
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS) Who's driving this thing?
(LAUGHING)
(CARS HONKING)
Whoo! (LAUGHING)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING IN VAN)
(SCREAMING)
(YELLING)
(GASPS)
Ha, ha! (GASPS)
(RATS SQUEAKING)
(BOTH GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
(SQUEALING)
Who are you guys?
Huh? Who are we?
Who are we?
We are the Flushed Pets...
Thrown away by our owners and now we are out for revenge!
It's like a club, (SNORTING) but with biting and scratching.
Take us with you!
(SNIFFING)
I don't think so, pets.
Yeah, you got the stench of domestication all over you.
You chose your side. And now you're gonna burn.
No! Stop! Who you calling "pets"?
I ain't no pet! You got it all wrong!
We're just like you guys. We hate humans.
Yeah! That's right! Hate them.
Oh, man, don't get me started on people. Am I right, Duke?
Yeah, that's why we burned our collars, man!
We burned them to the ground!
And killed our owners!
Yeah... Wait a minute, that's too far maybe?
No, they dig it.
Yes, we whacked them. Yeah, that's right!
Bang, bang with our own paws!
If I had a dime for every owner I killed...
Oh, yeah!
I'd have a dime.
Because I just killed the one.
Ooh-whoo!
Oh, y'all cold-blooded.
Oh, man, you remind me of my boy, Ricky.
He d*ed, though.
RIP, Ricky!
The truth is, the struggle could use some more muscle.
All right, look, I'll tell you what.
We'll bust the both of you out of here. But understand this.
From now on, you work for me.
That's fine. Sounds like a fun challenge.
(GRUNTING)
All right, guys, let's do this!
(SQUEALING) (YELLING)
(explosion)
To the sewers!
The sewers?
What are y'all waiting for? I'm not playing.
I said...
To the sewers!
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(MAX YELLING)
(SNOWBALL YELLING)
SNOWBALL: Long live the revolution, suckers!
(GRUNTS)
I can do it.
Oh!
Max?
Max?
Max.
(PANTING)
(STRAINING)
Oh, where are you, Max?
(SIGHS)
TIBERIUS: Looks like you could use a little help.
Who said that?
TIBERIUS: Over here.
In this dark and foreboding shed.
(GRUNTS)
Uh...
Hello?
I can see for miles.
If you let me out, I'll find your friend.
Wow! Really?
Oh! You're so sweet.
You're sweet, too.
(GIGGLES) Thanks, stranger. (SNIFFS)
But not too sweet.
There's also a salty, gamey thing going on.
Yeah, that's me. (CHUCKLES)
Come on, let's get you out of that shed.
Yeah, that's it.
Just step over the pile of bones.
Pile of bones. Okay, will do.
(SIGHS) I sure hope Max is safe.
You're a very thoughtful food.
"Food"? I didn't say that. I said "friend."
(CHUCKLES) I meant food...
(STUTTERING) Friend.
You know what I meant.
I'm sure lucky I found you, uh...
Tiberius.
And, yes, this is a very good thing for you, this whole "meeting me" thing.
Take off my hood.
(GASPS)
(SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS)
(SCREECHING) (SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS) Ah!
The chain!
(TIBERIUS GROANING)
Oh! You tried to eat me!
I'm sorry. (SOBS)
You should be sorry. You deserve to be locked up.
You're a bad, bad bird.
I can't help it. I was born with k*ller instincts.
That is just no excuse.
You're right. Even for a predator, I'm selfish.
I'm a selfish predator.
It's no wonder I have no friends.
Nobody.
(SOBBING)
This is hopeless.
Oh, don't... There's no need to cry.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you before.
Please, take off the chain.
This time I'll help you. I promise.
Tiberius...
This is gonna sound completely horrible, but, um...
I don't fully trust you.
(SOBBING)
Oh, no, no, no...
But, I guess everyone deserves a second chance.
And you are just a lonely, old bird.
And you do have weird manners because you live in a weird shed on a roof.
So, I'll tell you what. If you find Max...
I'll be your best friend.
Best friend?
You and me?
Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
Whoo!
(SCREECHING) (LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
Yes! That sounds nice.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Ah...
So, what does this Max look like?
Brown and white.
He's a short-hair, roguishly handsome.
He's got a sparkle in his eye.
He sounds dreamy.
(CHUCKLES) You have no idea.
I mean, what? Whatever. Shut up.
(bl*ws RASPBERRIES) Mmm-mmm.
If my owner comes put on the hood and pretend to be me.
Okay, thank you!
(SNIFFS) Ugh!
The smell is disgusting...
...-ly good.
This is all so great.
Love it here.
(BOTH GASP)
What's... The...
Pass... Word?
Password?
Look! Look at me.
I am your leader.
The leader does not recite the password.
The leader makes up the password, idiots.
Everybody, I'm making up a new password right now.
The new password is...
"Don't ask the leader for the password!"
(DINGING)
Follow me.
Welcome to the underbelly, brothers.
Home of the Flushed Pets.
(LAUGHING)
(GRUNTING)
(CROAKING)
Brothers and sisters!
As you see, I've returned from the surface with two new recruits.
These guys are owner-K*llers!
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey, hey! Settle down!
Guys, I want you to tell them how you did it.
Go ahead. Tell them the whole story about how you took out your owner.
Don't leave out nothing.
We love gory detail, here.
Oh, yeah! Tell us!
Right. So, tell them, Max.
Okay, so. I was like...
Well, we were like...
Take that! Yeah!
Stupid owner.
So, that's who you're dealing with.
That story bored me to death.
Boring!
(ALL BOOING) Give us detail!
Okay. Max?
Okay, well, uh...
So, there's this thing in the kitchen...
Yeah. Table!
It's flat. Toaster!
And then round on just the end of it.
A spoon?
Yes, a spoon! Exactly.
You can't hurt someone with a spoon.
You scoop with a spoon.
How many people wanna know how to k*ll somebody with a spoon?
FLUSHED ANIMALS: I do! Oh, yeah!
Okay. Uh, well...
We used the spoon...
h*t a button on the machine on the counter...
Right, and it's got those... The, uh, you know.
(IMITATING MOTOR) Those blades. The, uh... It's got blades!
Was it a blender?
(WHOOPING)
You blended somebody?
He talking about the blender, guys.
Oh, please, tell me it was a blender!
Hey, buddy, I don't ask what it's called, we just k*ll with it.
But it was a blender.
Whoo! Do y'all hear this? (ALL CHATTERING)
You know who was like this? Ricky!
Rest in peace!
Ricky was the only soldier I had that was ready to k*ll humans on sight.
Everybody else need a pep talk.
Not these two brothers.
(ALL CHEERING)
See, all of us have suffered at the hands of man.
I mean, take me for instance.
I was a magician's rabbit for kids' parties.
But then bunny tricks went out of style.
So, what did my owner do?
My owner went and left magic behind and made me disappear...
From his life!
(ALL CHATTERING) Uh-huh.
I lived in a tattoo parlor!
The trainees used to practice on me!
Until they ran out of space!
(SCATTERED CHATTER)
I mean, yes, humans say they love us.
But then they turn around and throw us out like garbage.
Ain't that right, Sea-Monkeys?
It's not our fault we don't look like the ad!
Yeah!
All right, you guys are joining the brotherhood.
It's initiation time! FLUSHED ANIMALS: Oh, yeah!
The what? I'm sorry, what time?
Summon the Viper!
(ALL STOMPING)
Uh, is this Viper poisonous?
Because I should warn you, I'm very allergic to poison!
Ow!
All right. Show her!
(RETCHING)
(GRUNTS) (GASPS)
Max's collar!
Where is he?
What happened to him?
I ain't saying nothing! (GRUNTS)
You're gonna tell us where Max is.
And you're gonna tell us now!
(LAUGHING)
Is this supposed to scare me?
I'm a cat. I land on my feet.
Does it always happen?
Because your head looks like it's taken a lot of landings.
Do you want me to cut you?
Because I'll cut you this way and that. You'll look like a waffle.
(YELLING)
Okay.
He's too stupid to talk, and too ugly to eat.
(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)
I'm done playing nice!
Where is Max?
(STAMMERING) Ow.
Tell me!
Ooh! (STAMMERING)
Let me finish... Ow!
Help me! Ow!
Don't look at him. Look at me. (GROANING)
Nobody can help you!
Where is Max?
Okay! Okay!
He's in the sewers! He got taken!
Please! Have mercy...
Adorable puffy dog! (GASPS)
ALL: (CHANTING) Snake bite! Snake bite! Snake bite!
(GRUNTING)
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
(SNIFFS)
(HISSING)
(YELLS) (GASPS)
As proof of your allegiance you will now receive the bite of a one-fanged, half-blind Viper fueled by a diet of anti-human rage!
(HISSING)
Who wants to go first?
Uh... Okay, here's the thing, though.
Tiny Dog.
Can I call you "Tiny Dog"?
It fits you. Let's admit that.
I mean, look.
Between you and the fat dog, I like you the best.
Oh, thank you!
Tiny Dog's gonna go first. (GASPS)
Everybody, TD's going first!
No, no, no.
Tiny Dog does not want to go first. Take the fat dog!
ALL: (CHANTING) Snake bite!
No, no, no. Stop!
Snake bite! Snake bite! Snake bite! (HISSING)
No, no, no, no.
NITRO: Stop!
What are you doing initiating a couple domestics?
Domestics?
Yeah. We just jumped those two in the alley.
Slashed off their collars.
No, no, no. That's not true.
You said you b*rned your collars.
Well, "b*rned," "lost," "had them stolen by cats."
It's all just words, really, isn't it?
You don't deserve to be marked by the Viper.
Oh, no. We'll just show ourselves out.
You deserve to be eaten by the Viper.
Get those leash lovers!
(ALL CHATTERING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(GASPS)
(RATTLING)
Hold on.
(GRUNTING) (DOGS WHINING)
(HISSING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
Go get them, Duke. Whoa!
(YELLING)
(YELLS)
(GASPS) Oh... (HISSES)
(SNARLING)
(YELLS)
(HISSING)
(ALL GASPING)
(SNIFFING) (HISSING)
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL GASPING LOUDLY)
Uh, fellas, that was an accident.
You squished the sacred Viper!
(SOBBING) He's a flapjack.
Oh, Viper!
Viper, you in a better place!
You and Ricky!
(ALL SOBBING)
You ain't never did nothing to nobody!
Well, you bit a lot of people, Viper.
So, technically, you might actually deserve this.
This might be something that was long overdue.
But it shouldn't have came like this. Not on my watch.
Get them!
(ALL SQUEAKING)
Oh, no!
Come on! (YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(VIDEO GAME SOUNDS)
(GRUNTS)
Ah! Wait up, Duke!
Hyah! (GRUNTING)
We're sorry. Can this be over now? (GRUNTS)
We've got a problem.
We have so many problems.
Which one do you mean at this moment?
SNOWBALL: Stop running, dummies!
Stop it right now!
Hold your breath! Hold my breath? Ah!
(BOTH YELLING)
(YELLING) Get them!
(BOTH GASPING)
This is my least favorite part of this whole thing so far!
(GRUNTS)
Friends!
I am afraid that I have some terrible news.
The squirrels are gonna take over the world!
I knew it!
I always said, squirrels are little shifty little guys.
No. We're not doing the squirrel thing right now. That's not...
No! (SIGHS)
Max is missing!
He's out there somewhere.
Lost. Scared.
So, so handsome.
We have got to find him and bring him home!
But the outside world is loud and scary.
Ooh! Is that a hawk?
GIDGET: This is my friend, Tiberius. He's going to help us.
He's not going to eat us. We've already been over it.
Come on, Gidget. We go out there without a leash...
We'll get caught by a net.
Or something worse!
Yeah, like a hawk!
We're wasting time! Max needs us!
Come on, girl, Max doesn't even know you're alive.
Well, I don't care!
I love him! I love him with all of my heart!
And I'm gonna go look for Max, no matter who's with me.
So...
Who's with me?
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
All right, fine. Fine.
Oh, come on, guys.
I can't believe you.
When I got my claws caught in the curtains who pulled me down?
Max did.
Buddy, Mel. (GASPS)
When you were fixed, who taught you to sit the comfortable way?
Max did!
Max did! (PANTING)
Max did. He did it!
And when that random cat tried to eat Sweetpea who saved him?
It wasn't a random cat. It was you. (TWEETS)
The identity of the random cat is not the point.
We're talking about who saved him!
Max did!
We gotta save him. We gotta go save Max! Yeah!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah! Let's go save Max!
Uh, which one is Max, again?
(GRUNTS)
Um...
Tiberius! (LAUGHS)
No! Bad, bad bird.
(LAUGHS) Nice little guy. (GIGGLES)
Nice little guy.
I like this bird.
Crazy bird. (LAUGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(RATTLING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(GASPING)
Come on!
We gotta get to shore.
I only know the doggy paddle! And I don't know it well!
Swim, Tiny Dog. Swim! (GASPING)
Duke!
Help! (COUGHING)
Max, grab the ring!
I can't!
DUKE: Keep it up, Max!
You're doing...
Well, you're not doing great.
But you're not drowning, and that's something!
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(COUGHING)
You're almost there!
(YELLS) (GASPS)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
Thanks, Duke.
No problem.
Finally. I'm going home.
Oh.
Isn't home that way?
Ah! Seriously?
(HORN BLARING)
(FLUSHED ANIMALS YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
They're going to Brooklyn.
They say everyone's going to Brooklyn these days.
It's making a real comeback.
I'm not talking about hipster real estate trends.
I'm talking about vengeance, Tattoo!
Death is coming to Brooklyn.
And it's got buck teeth and a cotton tail.
(CLATTERING)
Let's go!
(SQUEAKS)
(ALL GRUNT)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Whee!
Hi, how are you?
(GREETING IN FRENCH)
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
(LAUGHING) (ALL CHEERING)
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)
What is this crazy joint?
(LAUGHS) This is Pops' place.
His owner is never home, so it's kind of a hot spot.
Pops knows everyone in this city.
If he agrees to help us, Max is as good as found.
Cool! Fabulous!
(PURRING)
(MEOWS)
(EXCLAIMING)
(YOWLS) (BELL DINGS)
(WHIRRING)
(YOWLING)
(BOTH SNICKERING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Tell me you got that!
Oh, heck yes, I did.
What's up, Peanut? Hey, Buddy.
You see Pops around here?
Yeah, he's over there.
(MUMBLING)
Hey, Pops.
Mud and sweet potatoes.
Pops!
(GRUNTS) Who's that? What?
(SNIFFS) Oh, hey, Buddy.
How you been, old-timer?
Paralyzed.
Great! Listen, Mr. Pops, our friend Max was taken.
Last we heard, he was lost in the sewers.
Buddy said that maybe you could help us.
You know, I do know a guy in the sewers, but, ah, I don't go out anymore.
(SIGHS) What a waste of time.
Who said that?
Oh, I said it.
By the way, I meant no offense, I just...
Have you seen yourself?
Welly-well, well, well...
Looky what we apparently have here.
Meezy would like to have a look-see.
Myron! Brows!
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Me like what me see.
Well, what me can see.
It's all an attractive blur.
Uh... Little lady, this is my city.
I'll find your friend.
All right, party's over!
Myron! Vacuum!
(WHIRRING) (ALL SCREAM AND BARK)
So, where are you from, my fuzzy angel?
Dude, I'm a cat.
Well, nobody's perfect.
(ALL YELLING)
(WHIRRING)
DUKE: (GROANS) I'm so hungry.
(BOTH GASP)
Oh, man. Would you look at that sandwich!
All right. Time to work the gift.
(BOTH WHINING)
No, no, no!
(GROANS)
Okay, this'll be fine. We're fine.
We can find our way home.
We are descended from the mighty wolf!
We have raw, primal instincts that are mere moments away from kicking in and leading us home!
I cannot wait!
Here it comes!
(GRUNTING) Anything?
No.
Wait! Oh, I...
(SIGHS) No.
(SIGHS) I don't know, Duke.
Maybe the legend of dogs coming from wolves is just wrong.
Maybe one puppy asked his mom, "Where did we come from?"
And the mom said, "Woof."
And the kid was like "Oh, wolves?"
And she was like, "Yeah, fine."
Sausage. (SNIFFING)
Huh? You smell that?
Oh, man, it is.
Sausage!
Well, then, what are we waiting for?
We're coming for you, baby!
Lower the ramp, dummy.
Who are they?
This is Puffball, Squash-Face, Weiner Dog, Yellow Bird, Eagle-Eye, Guinea Pig Joe.
(LAUGHING) And, of course, my girlfriend Rhonda.
(SIGHS) 100% wrong. (LAUGHS)
Good enough.
Come on! Let's go! Move it or lose it!
Every bird instinct I have says don't follow a dog on wheels.
Um, Mr. Pops, sir.
Shouldn't we be heading to the sewers?
Now, if we take the human route, getting there is gonna take days.
You may have lots of time, but for me every breath is a cliffhanger.
So, we gotta take the secret route.
(SCREAMS)
Okay. The secret route was death.
Well, that's that, I guess.
POPS: Come on!
Get down here!
(YELLS)
Sweetpea...
(ALL SCREAMING)
Keep moving!
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Oh, no.
Stop it! Look away!
(GRUNTS)
(MEOWS)
(GRUNTS)
Come on! I don't have all day!
(EXCLAIMS)
(BLUBBERS)
(YELLING)
NORMAN: Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
(YELLING)
Whee!
Come on, slowpokes!
Ugh! What is that smell?
(GAGGING)
POPS: It's poo-poo with a dash of caca.
(SNIFFING)
The scent is getting stronger.
(LAUGHING GIDDILY)
Oh, man.
Duke, let's eat!
Oh, yes!
(SNIFFING)
Oh, it smells so good!
BOTH: Oh yes!
BOTH: Sausages!
Ah!
(MUNCHING AND GULPING)
(BOTH GASP)
Come on, boys!
Holy schnitzel!
(ALL LAUGHING)
We go together Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong Remembered forever As shoo-bop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom Chang chang changitty chang sha-bop That's the way it should be Wha-oooh, yeah!
We're for each other Like a wop ba-ba lu-bop and wop bam boom Just like my brother is Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yippity dip de doom Chang chang changitty chang sha-bop We'll always be together Ah!
Wha-oooh, yeah!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
BUDDY: Getting a weird vibe, man.
All right, now, these guys are a bit testy.
So, just let me do the talking.
Hey, you crybaby! Where's the Viper at?
(SOBBING)
(WAILING)
Don't you worry, Viper!
You will not be forgotten!
You will be avenged, Viper!
(SNIFFLING) If you don't believe me, you can look at my battle plans.
It's all laid out right here.
TATTOO: Uh, boss...
I can't tell who anyone is.
Well, you gotta really look at it to understand it.
That's you guys right here.
And, see, that's Brooklyn.
That's where we gonna get them dogs.
Bam! Bam!
(CACKLING MANIACALLY)
That ball of fluff's got a screw loose.
Let's skedaddle.
SNOWBALL: You get it, you see what I'm saying.
Bottom line is, I'm coming right for you, Tiny Dog!
And that big, fat, brown dog? He gonna get it, too. (GASPS)
Tiny Dog?
There are lots of tiny dogs in the city.
I mean, you're a tiny dog, okay? So, let's just go.
He also said, "big, fat, brown dog."
Like Max's new roommate.
Not necessarily.
Max, Max, Max...
You are gonna get it!
(SIGHS) That's kind of hard to dispute.
Hey, you stay away from... (MUFFLED)
Wait, what?
You know Tiny Dog?
(YOWLS)
He's my friend!
And some might say my boyfriend!
Uh, nobody says that.
I can't believe you know Tiny Dog!
That's cool. It's such a small world, that's the funny thing about it.
Get them!
Scatter!
(ALL YELLING)
Not good!
(BARKING) (EXCLAIMING)
(YELLING)
NORMAN: See you guys later!
Hang on!
Everybody, run!
Derick, you idiot!
Did they all get away?
Uh...
Phew! That was a close one!
Oh, nuts!
Yes! We got one!
Oh, good for you guys!
Yay! Yeah!
Oh, yes, Tiny Dog, we got your friend!
Advantage, me!
(CACKLES)
Uh-oh. Just ignore what just happened. Okay?
(CONTINUES CACKLING)
Yes!
You know what?
This may be the sausage talking, but you're okay.
Right back at you, man.
When I met you, I was all like, "I don't know if I like him."
But now that I know you, I'm like, "I like him." (LAUGHS)
You know, I saw this place from the outside many times.
Had I known what treasures awaited within these walls, I would've broke down that door a long time ago, I'll tell you!
What are you talking about?
My old owner and I used to live around here.
Duke, man, wait.
Did you used to have an owner?
Well, it was a long time ago.
I don't want to talk about it.
Yes, you do. Come on.
DUKE: I don't know.
But you know what?
He was so cool.
Yeah?
Yeah.
He was the best.
(PUPPIES BARKING)
Man, we had fun.
We'd play fetch. (BARKS)
We'd go for walks.
We'd take naps.
We were both big nappers.
I got out one night, chasing a butterfly, or a car.
By the time I had caught up with it and ate it...
Probably a butterfly, then.
...I realized I was so far away from my home I couldn't find it.
A few days later, I was picked up by Animal Control.
(SIGHING) I had a great thing going.
But I had to go and mess it up.
Duke, we gotta go to your house.
Nah.
Your owner's gonna be relieved!
Will he?
Yeah, but...
But he never came for me.
Maybe he...
Maybe he didn't like me.
Of course he liked you. He was your owner.
I mean, he's probably worried sick!
I don't know.
Well, I do know and we're going!
Your owner's gonna freak!
I'm freaking out just thinking about it.
Okay.
Let's do it!
DOGCATCHER 1: There they are! (BOTH GASP)
All right, doggy, come on.
DOGCATCHERS: Hey, hey, hey!
DOGCATCHER 2: Where do you think you're going?
Come back here, you dogs!
(YELLING)
That rabbit...
He had crazy eyes.
There ain't no curing what's wrong with that thing!
Gidget, here's an idea.
Maybe there's a dog in the neighborhood that looks like Max.
Start hanging out with him.
After a while, you'll think it's him you'll be done.
We are not just giving up!
We're dedicated. We're loyal.
We're easily the greatest pet ever.
We're dogs!
Cat. Hawk.
(SQUEAKS)
Well, congratulations!
Today you're dogs, whether you like it or not!
Sweet.
Now let's find Max before that rabbit does!
Break! We're dogs!
(SCREECHING)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh.
I don't like it. (GRUNTING)
Sassafras... (MUMBLING)
Yep, they were here.
Excellent. We're closing in!
This is groundbreaking evil behavior, people.
Groundbreaking!
SNOWBALL: Oh!
A light bulb just went off in my brain.
The bunny has an idea.
Okay, so, uh, how do I look?
You look great.
(SNIFFING) How do I smell?
Like a dog, Duke.
Relax, man.
(GASPS)
DUKE: There it is.
Well, go on up.
Go scratch at that door.
Remember that sausage factory? That was fun, huh?
Are you stalling?
No. Why do you think that?
Let's have a long talk about why you think I'm stalling.
Duke, you have nothing to be nervous about.
Your owner is going to be thrilled to see you.
Okay.
Huh. That car is new.
(HISSES)
(EXCLAIMS)
Can I help you?
No. We're good, thanks.
You're not good. You look dirty.
And I'm gonna have to ask you to get off my lawn before I get, um, what you have.
This is my lawn.
Duke, maybe we should go.
And why would Fred get a cat?
He hates cats.
That's one of the things I love about him.
Fred? The old guy?
He, um...
He d*ed.
Duke, maybe I made a mistake, saying we should come here.
Let's go.
You're a liar!
Max, cats lie all the time.
Don't fall for it!
Who are they?
(BARKING)
Hey, this is my home.
Go away!
Duke, it's time to go.
Duke, let's go! Come on!
This isn't your home anymore.
Why did you bring me here, Max?
Wait a minute. This is my fault?
I was trying to help you!
You were trying to get rid of me!
You know what, Duke? I don't need this.
I'll see you later.
DOGCATCHER 1: Gotcha!
Come on, settle down!
(BARKING) (GRUNTS)
Go home, Max!
DOGCATCHER 1: Hey, help me out, here!
Hold on! I'm coming!
Let's go. (GRUNTING)
DOGCATCHER 1: Finally got you, big fella.
DOGCATCHER 2: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.
DOGCATCHER 1: This is it for you.
Duke!
(BARKING)
Aw.
Koochi koochi koo!
(SCREAMING)
(ALL LAUGH)
(MAX BARKING)
Tiny Dog!
(SNOWBALL YELLING CRY)
Ah, are you kidding me?
SNOWBALL: You thought this was over, Tiny Dog?
(CONTINUES YELLING)
Stop!
Huh?
Jab, jab, jab!
Body blow! Body blow!
Karate chop to your neck!
Would you get off me!
SNOWBALL: Tattoo! (SQUEALING)
No, no, no.
Oh, TD.
This kills me to say, but we gotta join forces, man.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoo!
We make a great team, Tiny Dog!
Well, mainly, I'm doing all the hard work, but you're helping!
Yes, yes, fine.
Just keep your eyes on the road. You're driving like an animal!
SNOWBALL: Whoo-hoo!
(GRUNTS) What was that?
Oh, that was a pothole.
You're hitting things on purpose!
Heh. You know me too well, TD!
Always keeping me in check.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Do you see the van?
Yeah, I see it.
We're about to h*t it.
(GRUNTS) (CACKLING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(GRUNTS)
Relax, Snowball, I got you.
DERICK: There he is!
He's got Snowball!
(ROARS)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH CHEERING)
(GASPING)
Look, fellas, this is not what this looks like.
Shush, you!
You were gonna eat the boss!
No, no, no. Snowball and I are on the same side now.
Tell them! Snowball, tell them!
That raccoon is lying.
He's not the president.
(ALL GASP)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(SNARLING)
FLUSHED ANIMALS: Come on, now.
Come here, you.
(GIGGLES)
(GIDGET YELLING)
Gidget?
(CONTINUES YELLING)
(WHINES)
(EXCLAIMS)
Go, Max!
Right. Okay, gotta go.
Thank you! Thank you!
(GROANS)
Stay down!
(ALL YELLING)
Duke, hang on!
Whoa!
()
Duke!
Max? Max!
Oh, get the keys! Right!
DUKE: Hurry! Ha!
()
Come on, come on.
I got them!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Gidget: Max! 
()
Remember me!
()
I feel heroic!
And handsome.
I'm a little wet, but I still look good.
I look good.
(GASPING)
Are you...
Are you okay?
I'm good.
I'm good.
Thanks for coming to save me, Max.
(ALL CHEERING) Max!
Oh, Max!
(EXCLAIMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
You need a lift?
Yes, we need a lift!
Let's go, Tattoo.
(SCREECHING)
Taxi!
Whoa!
(ALL CHEERING AND LAUGHING)
(HOWLING)
(TIRES SQUEALING) (CRASHING)
(BARKING)
Yeah! (GRUNTS)
Hey, hey...
Uh, Gidget, wait up.
Oh, hi, Max.
Yeah. Hi. Um...
Play it cool. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I...
I just wanted to...
(CLEARING THROAT) Look...
Have you ever lived across from someone your whole life, but you don't really appreciate them, until...
I don't know...
Until they're b*ating up dozens of animals on the Brooklyn Bridge?
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
If you ever wanna... (SQUEALS)
Okay.
Oh, great. You're in love.
How gross for everyone. Now move it!
Good-bye! See you later! Good-bye!
POPS: Does anyone know where we are?
Bye, Max.
Bye, Gidget.
Okay, bye-bye!
See you guys.
Man, I feel sorry for them.
Gotta run home to their owners.
Not us.
Now, it's back to our primary mission.
The downfall of the human race!
It is on, humans!
It is on!
ALL: Yeah!
Mommy! Can I have a bunny?
And a pig and a crocodile and a lizard?
Uh-oh.
GIRL: Yay, bunny!
Jab, jab, jab!
Body blow! Body blow! Break-away move. (GRUNTS)
Aww...
What's going on? What's she doing?
Bunny, I'm gonna love you forever and ever and ever.
(WHIMPERS)
Aww. Bunny.
Aw.
Here you go.
Duke, this is the best part of the day.
Ooh! Is that her?
Nah, no. That's... Wait... (KEYS JINGLING)
Yeah, that's her. That's her.
BOTH: Katie! (BARKING)
There they are!
Max and Duke, Duke and Max! Aw!
My boys!
So, how'd it go? Great, right? I...
Uh...
So, maybe a few bumps.
But I knew this was gonna work out.
So, who's hungry?
Welcome home, Duke.
Thanks, Max.
Come on, man. Hurry it up.
(GRUNTING) Okay.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Sheesh!
Welcome, my dogs.
Oh, you guys look weird.
Hurry up, come on in.
You said it was a costume party.
Why do you listen to me?
LEONARD'S OWNER: I'm home, Leonard.
()
Were you a good boy, Leonard?
Category:The Secret Life of Pets
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