Episode 102: Oceans/transcript

==Cold open / Jim's Introduction==
 	Open on Muppet Central. Bean holds a satellite dish.
Bean Bunny	Kermit? (sees him) Oh, Kermit! Can I borrow this for my round things party?
Kermit 	Bean, where did you get that?
Bean Bunny	On the roof. But don't worry, I disconnected all the wires.
Kermit 	(frets) Bean, that's our satellite dish!
Bean Bunny	Did I do something wrong?
Kermit 	(takes the dish) Um, uh, Bean, I tell you what-- why don't I just take Mr. Satellite Dish back up to the roof? And you can uh, well, you, you can help Digit start the show. (leaves)
Bean Bunny	Oh, okay! Digit!
Digit 	Yes, Ker... where's Kermit?
Bean Bunny	Well, he said I could help you start the show. He's up on the roof.
Digit 	The roof?!
Bean Bunny	Mm-hm.
Digit 	It's not safe up there! I'd better tell him to come down. (into a walkie-talkie) Kermit, come in. Kermit, come in.
 	Kermit comes crashing through the roof. He gets up, a little flattened.
Bean Bunny	He came in-- ha!
Digit 	Oh... Dear me.
Bean Bunny	Let's watch the opening.
 	The opening titles roll. Jim enters home base and pets the lion.
Jim 	Hi there, and welcome to our show. Tonight we travel to a strange land where everyone and everything seems to be magic-- the world of "Lighthouse island."
 	A clip is shown as a teaser.
Jim 	But first-- MuppeTelevision.
 	He addresses Kermit from the monitor.
Jim 	Kermit, what's the show about?
Kermit 	Well, there's a lot of fish in it, so I guess it's gonna be kind of a “friends and relations" show for me.
Jim 	Great. Give my best to your folks.
Kermit 	Will do, Jim. (to camera) It's gonna be a wonderful show with our great guest star, Ted Danson. Hey Lindbergh-- have you fixed that hole in the roof yet?
 	Lindbergh sets up a ladder.
Lindbergh 	Just about to, Skipper.
Kermit 	Oh, good, because I want everything shipshape for our guest star.
 	Lindbergh falls through the floor, causing water to gush from underground.
Lindbergh 	Uh-oh. Whoa!!
Kermit 	(nervous) Anybody got an umbrella?
==MuppeTelevision Act 1==
===Opening number===
 	The water suddenly stops spouting. Kermit shouts into the giant hole.
Kermit 	Lindbergh, hang on and we'll get you out of there!
Lindbergh	I found the busted pipe, and I turned off the water.
Kermit 	Oh, good. (notices viewer) Oh, hi there! We've got a terrific show lined up for you, with a heap of pirates, some singing fish, and our very special guest star, Mr. Ted Danson!
 	Ted appears on the monitor above Kermit.
Ted 	Oh, thank you, Kermit. Is there any way I can help?
Kermit 	Well, gee, thanks, Ted, but the show usually just kinda takes care of itself.
Ted 	Boy, it's wonderful how calm and collected you are. What's that hole doing down there?
Kermit 	Oh, well, the floor just kinda gave way there, but uh…
Ted 	And you're not even worried. Boy, I tell you-- this frog, unflappable. Carry on.
Kermit 	Uh, well, thanks. Hey, Digit-- cue the Boulikian folk dance troupe!
Digit 	Check!
 	The dancers kick their way across the floor, each one falling into the hole, one by one.
Kermit 	Hey guys, there's a … watch out for the... there's a hole here, you should uh … Don't go through the... listen, the— sheesh!
Ted 	Is this a problem?
Kermit 	Uh, no, no - no problem. Hey Digit! Cancel the folk dance and cue the fish!
Ted 	Ha! See? Boy, you didn't even miss a beat. Totally unflappable.
 	On another monitor, a fish sings “Splish Splash”, joined by other fish, clams, octopi, two seahorses on saxes, and several scuba-diving guests.After the number…
===Merlin===
Kermit 	Well, I think that went swimmingly.
Lindbergh 	Thanks, chief.
Kermit 	Actually, I was talking about the fish number, but um…
 	Lindbergh climbs out of the hole with the ladder, and the folk dancers follow one by one, followed by a group of miners.
Dancer (DG) 	Svetlana!
Kermit 	Uh - I'm sorry about the hole in the floor, folks... But the dance number looked like it was gonna be great, uh, except for the ending, of course. How deep is that hole anyway?
Miner (KC) 	Will you people please keep it down?
Miner (SW) 	Yeah, some of us are trying to blast tunnels, ya know.
Miner (JN) 	Hey, you got people dancin' up here or somethin'?
Kermit 	This looks pretty bad.
Lindbergh 	Actually, it's just a miner problem.
 	The miners laugh.
Miner (JN) 	Oh, "Miner problem"-- I like that!
Kermit 	(scowls) Heh, yeah, mm. Digit, cue Merlin, would you?
Miner (SW) 	(climbing down) Oh, Merlin-- he's funny.
 	Open on a medieval room - Merlin (Rowlf) holds a cane as his rat helpers stand around a big book.
Announcer (JN)	And now it's time for the medieval medic with the mystical mind, Merlin the Magician, M.D.
Rowlf 	Whom is it doth seek the wizard's help this day? (bangs the book)
Princess (FB) 	A guy with a fish through his head! Ta-da!
 	The fish-headed man enters.
Rowlf 	(walks over) Sit down! Sit down. I've heard of catching fish, but this is ridiculous! How did this happen?
Fish (DG) 	Well, he started out as a wart on my stomach...
Rowlf 	You stay out of this! (konks fish) You-- (konks man) how'd this get here? Answer the question!
Patient (JN) 	Well, what was the question?
Rowlf 	Just like I thought. It went in one ear and out the other.
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daa! (rimshot)
Patient (JN) 	You'll have to speak up-- I've got a herring in my ear.
Rowlf 	Then what you need is a "Herring" aid! (laughs)
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daa! (rimshot)
Patient (JN) 	Why?
Rowlf 	Oh, just for the "Halibut."
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daa! (rimshot)
Rowlf 	Thank you.
Fish (DG) 	Wait! I plead insanity. No sane fish would ever agree to appear in this sketch.
Rowlf 	Are you sure?
Fish (DG) 	Yes! It's beyond all reasonable "Trout"!
Rowlf 	(facepalms) Ohhh!!
 	Merlin konks the fish repeatedly, when a bell is heard.
Princess (FB) 	Oh, magnificent Merlin, Mr. Pegasus is here for his checkup.
Rowlf 	Pegasus? The mythical winged horse of story and song? Send him in!
Patient (JN) 	Hey, what about me?
Rowlf 	I'm sorry, son, but I make it a rule never to put the "Carp" before the horse!
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daa! (rimshot) What the heck is that?
 	They hear a falling noise. Pegasus falls through the roof and lands on them. They all get up, dazed.
Pegasus (DG) 	Ta-daa!
Rowlf 	Can I help you?
Pegasus (DG) 	Yes-- get me to the "Horsepital"!
 	They all start beating him up as Kermit watches from Muppet Central.
Kermit 	Horsepital... That's pretty bad. I like it.
Vicki 	Mr. Kermit?
Kermit 	Yes?
Vicki 	Ted Danson's ready on monitor 5.
Kermit 	Oh, good. What's he got planned for us, Vicki?
Vicki 	Well, Mr. Danson and I spoke about it.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Vicki 	I said perhaps a dramatic illustration of man's journey into himself.
Kermit 	Uh … what did he say?
Vicki 	He said he'd rather do a comedy sketch.
Kermit 	Oh, good. Cue Ted Danson!
Vicki 	But...
 	The next sketch appears on the monitor …
===The Pirates===
 	On a cruise ship, Ted sits at a table with a lady beside the ship's edge.
Ted 	Were we lucky or what, Pumpkin? Just yesterday saying, "Let's take a cruise"...
Lady (JN) 	And now, here we are, lucky us, on the only cruise ship that had any room.
Both 	We're so lucky.
 	Gonzo pops up, dressed as a pirate.
Gonzo 	Ahoy there, you miserable landlubbers! Welcome to the Jolly Roger, flagship of the pirate cruise line! So wash the bilge out of your ears, and look lively! ARRRRGH!
Ted 	I'm sorry-- who are you?
Gonzo 	I'm your host, my name be Scurvy.
Ted 	Scurvy?
Gonzo 	Been called that ever since I caught the dread plague and spent a fortnight spittin' up buckets of black blood!
Ted 	Oh... Well, yes-- that's a lovely story, but I think there's been some sort of mistake. Is there anybody else we could speak to?
Gonzo 	Arrrrrgh - Peg-leg! Get your briny bones out here!
 	Leon limps into view.
Leon 	Hi, I'm Peg-leg. I'll be your waiter tonight. Our specials are salt pork, and maggoty biscuits! Arrrgh.
Ted 	I don't think so-- not that it isn't tempting... Pumpkin?
Lady (JN) 	I'll just have a club soda.
Ted 	Yes-- two club sodas, please.
Leon 	Club sodas?!
Lady (JN) 	With a twist of lime.
Leon 	Oh, you son of a sea cow, I'll give you club sodas!
Ted 	Oh, good.
Leon 	(hands Ted a broadsword) Here!
Ted 	What's this?
Leon 	Well, you want anything on the pirate cruise, you've gotta fight for it! Argh! Argh! Heh heh. (limps away)
Ted 	Oh, I hate these places where you have to fight your way to the bar.
 	Four pirates pop up with swords drawn. Action music plays as Ted stands up and takes off his jacket, revealing his swashbuckler costume.
Ted 	Still… all right, you swill-swigging sea scum…
 	The swordfight begins. Ted picks up one pirate, swings him around by the arm, and tosses him out of the window above the bar. Another pirate draws a sword, which he knocks out, then he draws another blade which is knocked out, then a bouquet of flowers. Ted pulls back the pirate's eye patch and snaps it, knocking him back. The fight is over.
Ted 	Thank you. Two club sodas, please.
Bartender (RM)	Oh-- well, certainly, sir... will that be, uh… uh …
Parrot (FB) 	Cash.
Bartender (RM)	Cash, or uh … um …
Parrot (FB) 	Charge.
Bartender (RM)	Charged to your, uh …
Parrot (FB) 	Cabin.
Bartender (RM)	Cabin, sir?
Ted 	Charge, thank you.
Bartender (RM)	Oh, uh… (hands receipt) Just sign here.
Ted 	(signs) All right-- 15% of three doubloons...
Bartender (RM)	Why, thank you, sir.
Ted 	Ready?!
 	The swordfight resumes with Ted and the pirates as he makes his way back to the table.
Link Hogthrob 	Mr. Danson! Don't worry, I'll save you!
 	He swings on a rope, but falls into the ocean.
Link Hogthrob 	I guess not!
 	Ted, facing the pirates, runs them into the ground with his broadsword.
Ted 	Ha-har!
Leon 	Ha-har!
Ted 	Are you the one they call Peg Leg?
Leon 	Arrgh.
Ted 	Well, then this is for you.
 	He takes out a chainsaw and applies it to Leon's leg.
Ted 	Timber!
 	Leon gulps, then tips over. Ted places the drink tray on the table.
Ted 	Here we go, Pumpkin-- here's your club soda.
Lady (JN) 	Where's the twist of lime?
Ted 	(facepalms) Oh, no, I forgot it.
Lady (JN) 	Oh, never mind-- I'll get it.
 	She takes out a broadsword of her own and fights her way to the bar.
Lady (JN) 	Aaaarrrggghhh!!!
Ted 	That's my Pumpkin.
 	Ted watches the fight, and raises one of the glasses which is still stuck to the tray. Back to Muppet Central...
Kermit 	Boy, that Ted Danson really gets into the spirit of things, doesn't he?
Lindbergh 	Okay, chief, the floor is fixed.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Lindbergh 	Yeah, I found this piece of wood, exactly the right size!
 	Lindbergh takes off as a pirate appears on the left monitor, popping out.
Pirate (KC) 	All right, you mangy wharf rats! Give us back our plank!
 	The other pirates surround Kermit with their swords.
Kermit 	Hey, watch those cutlasses! There are power lines all over this place!
 	The power suddenly goes out and the fighting stops. The pirates express guilt.
Pirate (RM) 	Oops.
Pirate (SW) 	It's our mistake.
Pirate (GR) 	Sorry.
 	The pirates scatter away. On the right monitor, Ted appears and lights a match.
Ted 	Hey, Kermit, everything okay?
Kermit 	Uh... Yeah, oh, yeah, fine.
Ted 	Oh. Well, great lighting. Real dramatic.
Kermit 	Yeah... Thanks.
 	The match burns out in Ted's hand. Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 2==
===Karate Squid III===
 	Kermit types on a computer.
Kermit 	Let's see-- that was the end of the first half. (types) So what comes next? (types) The beginning of the second half. (faces camera) That makes sense.
 	He turns toward the monitor, where the following trailer plays...
 	Four fish swim nonchalantly away from a castle during the narration.
Announcer (JN)	Coming soon to a theater more or less near you, depending on where you live... below the sea, beneath the waves, a new force has arrived. A force so powerful, so dynamic, no fish can stand in its way. Now, from Neptune Pictures, comes the aquatic explosion of fury that is Mario Molluskini's Karate Squid III!
 	The fish scatter as the squid rises, displaying his tentacular moves and speaking mock-Japanese, soon getting himself tied in knots.
Announcer (JN)	Karate Squid III. Now playing at a theater near someone who lives near a theater, somewhere.
==="Maneater"===
 	Digit panics as water leaks out of a monitor.
Digit 	Oh! Oh! Oh, Kermit! The underwater set has sprung a leak!
Kermit	Uh, quick! Find something to plug it up with.
Digit 	Oh. Uh... Ah! Ah.
 	Digit uses his left index finger.
Digit 	There, I've stopped the leak, Kermit.
 	Water shoots out of Digit's ears.
Digit 	Uh... Why do I keep thinking of Niagara Falls?
Kermit	You've got water on the brain. (to viewer) Hey, let's go to the Extremes' great underwater number!
 	The Extremes perform "Maneater" in an underwater setting. Throughout the song, a shark bites one of the Extremes and takes them one by one. At the end of the song, the shark brings the Extremes back and the lead singer bites the shark.
===Jacques Roach===
 	Bean finishes watching the previous number.
Bean Bunny 	Oh, cute shark.
Kermit 	Yeah, I suppose so.
Bean Bunny 	Heh! (hops away)
Kermit 	Lindbergh, is everything fixed?
Lindbergh 	Absolutely! I connected the water to the sinks, and the electricity to the power outlets.
Kermit 	Well, fine-- thank you.
Lindbergh 	You know, you're lucky to have a professional like me around. Just think what'd happen if I'd mixed them up! (exits)
Kermit 	(nods) Mm, yeah.
 	Link enters wearing a bathrobe and towel.
Un, pardon me, Kermit. I was going to dry my hair, but there seems to be something wrong with this hair dryer.
Kermit 	Well, what's wrong?
 	Link points it at Kermit's face, turns it on, and water shoots out of it. Kermit becomes miffed.
Kermit 	Digit!!
Link Hogthrob 	(turns it off, confused) Uh... Uh...
Kermit 	Uh, well, just cue the documentary.
 	Link turns on the dryer again, soaking Kermit.
Kermit 	Aaah!! Will you - will you stop that?! Turn it off!!
 	Open on an exterior shot of a submarine underwater. Inside the vessel, the rat crew go about their business.
Announcer (JN)	And now, the "Undersea world of Jacques Roach."
Jacques 	(narrating) We have been aboard our ship, ze Bugaloo, for many months. All ees well, but I think ze crew is feeling a little...
Rat (GR) 	Hey! Captain Jacques! When are we gonna surface?
Rat (FB) 	Yeah! We've been down here for months!
Jacques 	Are you saying zat your soul has not been stirred by ze silent mystery of ze deep?
Rat (GR) 	The dip? What mystery of the dip? It's just cream cheese and instant onion soup.
Rats 	(muttering in agreement)
Jacques 	And has your heart not rejoiced and soared each and every night as we sing, ze theme song of our ship?
Sheep (JN) 	The sheep have a theme song? I didn't even know we were in this sketch.
 	Jacques plays an accordion and sings.
Jacques 	♪ Ah, Bugaloo, ze places you've been to ...
Rat (GR) 	That's it, we're out of here. We're jumping ship. (the rats disperse)
Jacques 	Jump ship? You cannot jump ship!
Sheep (JN) 	I should say not.
 	The ship suddenly begins to shake as the giant lobsters attack it from outside. The rats scurry into the ship's door, which Jacques immediately bolts shut.
Jacques 	Zut alors! It is ze giant lobsters!
Rats 	Hey! Hey! Come on, let's go!
Jacques 	Quick! Into ze lifeboats!
Rat (GR) 	Hey, wait a minute! These aren't the lifeboats! This is a torpedo tube!
Rats 	(screaming, yelping)
Jacques 	Exactement! Now to defeat ze lobsters and save my ship!
Sheep (JN) 	Oh, thank you.
Rat (GR) 	All right! All right! We'll sing!
Rat (FB) 	Yeah, yeah, yeah -
Rats 	♪ Rise, Bugaloo...
Jacques 	Rats away!
 	He pulls a chain and fires the rats at the lobsters, who scurry away.
Lobster (BK) 	Hey, they're firing rats at us!
Lobster (KC) 	Let's get out of here!
Jacques 	(writing in a journal) "Capitan's log. Today I have conquered ze lobsters and gotten rid of my verminous crew. I have found renewed peace alone once more wiz my ship."
Sheep (JN) 	If you lay one hand on me, buster...
 	Jacques chases after the sheep.
 
===A Fish Story===
 	Kermit finishes watching the segment.
Kermit 	Hmm, another underwater sheep and cockroach show. I hope people aren't getting tired of these underwater sheep and cockroach shows.
 	He takes a few steps and notices ...
Kermit 	Hey-- this floor is soaking wet. I can't work like this. How can we entertain people under these conditions?
 	He comes up with a dance on the spot while humming the "Blue Danube Waltz". The Boulikian folk dance troupe joins him. Ted, appearing on the top right monitor, applauds when they finish dancing.
Ted 	Oh, very good, Kermit! Very good. I love that wet-floor dancing. The show's going well.
Kermit 	... Oh, yes, it is, isn't it? Uh, Clifford, uh, are you ready with your piece?
 	Clifford peers out of the top left monitor.
Clifford 	Yeah, Kerm. Say Ted, uh, you want to join me in this story?
Ted 	What is it?
Clifford 	Oh, it's a fish story, about the ocean. Uh, you play the lead.
Ted 	Oh, yes, yes, that'd be a pleasure.
Kermit 	Oh, well, terrific. How long is this story?
Clifford 	Oh, it lasts about 400 million years. (walks off)
Ted 	Um, Kermit... Maybe while I get ready you should make uh, a new plane reservation for me?
Kermit 	(nods) Uh, ladies and gentlemen-- "A Fish Story."
 	On a tropical island shore, Clifford stands at a podium decked with seashells and reads from a book.
Clifford 	Ahem. About 400 million years ago, in the Devonian period of the Paleozoic era, or thereabouts, everyone on Earth lived under the sea.
 	Switch to an underwater shot, where the inhabitants go about their business. Creature Ted swims upwards.
Clifford 	It was a time of universal contentment and harmony-- except for one dissatisfied creature of indeterminate origin. His name was ... Ted.
Creature Ted	Huh - I'm tired of always being wet behind the ears.
Clifford 	So this malcontent swam upwards, upwards toward the light until he burst forth into another world.
 	Switch back to Clifford.
Clifford 	Up ahead he saw some dry land rising from the water. He swam towards it, and... Well, you know the story.
 	Creature Ted crawls up onto the shore, exhausted.
Creature Ted	I made it! Though I don't suppose everybody's going to believe it.
Clifford 	A few hundred million years passed. By that time, Ted had adapted to his new environment, and grown into a strapping homo sapiens.
 	Human Ted emerges, wearing a t-shirt reading "I SURVIVED THE EVOLUTION" and holding a fishing pole.
Ted 	Oh... Well, yes-- yes, this is very nice. A little dry, but very nice.
 	He sits down and examines the pole.
Clifford 	By now Ted had lungs, he had intelligence, he had mastered the opposable thumb, and everything we –
Ted 	Excuse me-- Could you hold it down just a little bit?
Clifford 	Hold it down? But, but-- I'm telling your story, man.
Ted 	My story?
Clifford 	Yeah-- I'm the narrator, and you're the everyman character.
Ted 	Oh. Well... Then, yes, go for it. (casts his line)
Clifford 	Thank you. And so Ted had learned to live on the land. But he lived by the water, and he ate from the water. And he used the water for many of his needs. But still-- still, he was not completely content.
Ted 	I wish I had the wheel. And the telescope. And dental floss! (stands up) Oh, yes! This is going to change the world!
 	Ted runs off. Clifford shakes his head.
Clifford 	And so Ted went into a prolonged period of inventing and building, which proved fruitful. But of course, there were side effects.
 	Ted returns with an armful of garbage, and throws it into the ocean.
Clifford 	And still, his thirst for innovation went on.
 	Ted returns with a wheelbarrow full of garbage and a bucket of oil, which he dumps in the ocean.
Ted 	I just invented electricity and freeze-dried coffee, and penicillin! I'm also doing some wonderful experiments with petroleum derivatives.
 	Zoom in on Ted's mess as Clifford narrates. Ted starts to walk off, but stops and turns around...
Clifford 	Ted kept doing that for a long, long time. And in truth, there were a lot of other Teds, all doing the same thing. And eventually, all life in the water died. The sea stopped producing oxygen, the Earth became uninhabitable, and that was the end.
Ted 	Um - hello! Excuse me-- that was the end?
Clifford 	Yeah.
Ted 	Well, what kind of an ending is that?
Clifford 	Well, I thought it was the one you wanted.
Ted 	No, don't be silly! I love the ocean! I came from the ocean. You should know that better than anybody! I mean, that's kind of like my home.
 	A rotary telephone rings. Ted spots it and picks it up.
Ted 	What's this? Did I invent this?
Clifford 	It's for you.
Ted 	(answers the phone) Hello?
 	Underwater, the sea creatures from "Splish Splash" are on the other line.
Fish (JN) 	Hi, Ted. We thought you'd like a call from home?
Ted 	Guys! (to Clifford) It's the fish. (to the phone) Hey guys! How are you?
Fish (JN) 	We're terrible! Believe the narrator, for crying out loud!
Ted 	Guys, come on and level with me. It's not as bad as he says, right?
Fish (JN) 	Face it, Ted, it's worse! We're dyin' down here!
Ted 	I know, I know, I know — I mean, you read about it all the time! I mean, it's the oil producers and the chemical companies! And the - the government won't do anything about it. I mean, guys, I really feel helpless.
Fish (JN) 	You-- helpless? You're the one who's been dumping poison into the ocean!
Ted 	Who told you that?
Fish (JN) 	The narrator.
Ted 	He was speaking metaphorically.
Clifford 	I was not.
Ted 	All right, all right. Mistake! You're right, I'm sorry. Um, I shouldn't have dumped the stuff in the ocean. I'll stop.
Fish (JN) 	Well, what about the stuff that's already down here?
Ted 	Oh. Right. Um, jeez-- uh, well, then I'll try to clean it up, okay?
Fish (JN) 	Promise?
Ted 	W-well, sure. Of course. I promise.
Fish (JN) 	He promises! Listen, thanks a lot! We all really appreciate this!
Clifford 	And the sea creatures swam away, happy again because Ted, their distant relation, had promised. And under the sea, no one ever breaks a promise to a relative.
 	Ted has a wistful look on his face.
Clifford 	So maybe they all lived, after all. Maybe they even lived happily ever after. It's all up to Ted.
 	Back at Muppet Central, Kermit sits quietly and watches the underwater activity on the monitors, listening to the dolphins, the whales and the seagulls. He briefly turns to face us.
Kermit 	Good night, everybody.
==Lighthouse Island Intro==
 	Open on Jim with the Lion holding a book
Jim	And now let me tell you about a place called Lighthouse Island.
==Closing==
 	Open on Jim holding a whale puppet. A Muppet seahorse watches
Jim	We've seen a lot of sea creatures tonight. Here's one puppet of a whale, or a "whale of a puppet" depending on how you look at it. That's all for tonight, we'll see you next week.
 	The credits roll
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Jim Henson Hour Transcripts