The Love Guru

The Love Guru is a 2008 American romantic comedy film directed by Marco Schnabel in his directorial debut, written and produced by Mike Myers, and starring Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, Romany Malco, Meagan Good, Verne Troyer, John Oliver, Omid Djalili, and Ben Kingsley. The film was also Myers and Timberlake's second collaboration after Shrek the Third (2007).
The film was a financial flop, and earned overwhelmingly negative reviews.
==Plot==
The film begins in a little Indian village, where we are introduced to Guru Pitka talking into his recorder which allows him to sound like a man, a woman, or Morgan Freeman. He is the #2 Guru in the world, next to Deepak Chopra. A flashback shows us that Pitka is an orphan of missionaries in India. Both Pitka and Chopra were taught by Guru Tugginmypudha. Pitka says he wants to become a Guru so that girls will love him, so Tugginmypudha who is severely cross eyed puts a chastity belt on him until he can learn that loving himself is more important than being loved by others. The chastity belt has an elephant head on it with red eyes. " Chastity belt?, that sucks!" 
12 year old Pitka reacts. He asks is he can still masturbate with the device on but is warned he will go cross eyed.
Pitka dream is to become the number #1 Guru and to get on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life scooting around on his mobile pillow. He has thousands of followers, including celebrities like Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hargitay (the latter being ironic since Pitka's mantra, is "Mariska Hargitay"). We attend one of his teachings which involve a lot of anagrams and play on words on a slide show (i.e, "guru" meaning "gee, you are you" and going from Nowhere to Now Here). Pitka has a gorgeous palace with a beautiful female staff, helicopter, elephants, and a servant, Rajneesh, who squeezes fresh orange juice out of a tree for him and has an ostrich lay his morning egg for him.
Meanwhile, in Canada. Jane Bullard's father died and left her the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team. They have not won a Stanley Cup since she took over so the city hates her. Her star player, Darren Roanoke, the Tiger Woods of Hockey, has been playing poorly ever since his wife Prudence left him for a well endowed French Canadian, Jacques "Lè Cocq" Grandè, who plays for the rival Los Angeles Kings. He has a tattoo on his abdomen that reads "The Legend" with an arrow pointing down. When Pitka is introduced to Jane Bullard, he imagines a Bollywood musical fantasy with her in it. Jane is a big fan of Pitka's, having read all of his books. She is paying him 2 million dollars to patch up Darren's marriage, in time to win the Stanley Cup. Pitka's agent, Dick Pants, is thrilled and says that if Pitka patches up the marriage, Oprah will have him on her show.
on the private jet Pitka and Jane bond over her being a fan of his books. She admits to having a school girl crush on him . Pitka asks what her husband thinks of it , she reveals she’s not married . He asks if she has boyfriend and she say’s “ nope.” He asks if she has a girlfriend , she laughs but admits to a lesbian experience one time in college. This arouses Pitka causing him to get an erection causing his cock to bonk against the chastity device causing a loud dinging noise as the camera zooms in on his clothed crotch during it then Jane asks what the noise was but Pitka denies hearing it and grimaces in discomfort, crossing his leg over his lap and hissing in pain . 
Pitka tells her he is surprised she is single . She asks why . At first he says she’s a nice and intelligent , his comments get more libidinous as he mentions her bedroom eyes , pouty plump dick sucking lips and her bosom as a nice rack . 
He gets extremely perverted as he emphasizes his attraction to her butt as it is callipygian, tight and bell shaped . He says it is “ thicker than a snicker “ as he mimes groping and squeezing it.
Pitka has an acronym, DRAMA, tattoed on his hand. D represents Distraction. A flashback to 
1993 shows Guru Tugginmypudha taught him the lesson of distraction with the use of his own urine because he was thinking about his chastity belt , being celibate for 18 years by then . 
Pitch encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, thus distracting him from his emotional distress over Prudence and Le Cocq. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck. There is a meeting in the Coach's tiny office, complete with mini water cooler, where they argue about the situation. Later, Pitka has dinner with Jane, he performs " More Than Words on the sitar with Rajneesh. Pitka calms her down and invites her to dinner, prepared by Rajneesh. The Neal is called " Nuts In a Sling" and is two leeche nuts wrapped in a doey pouch, resembling a scrotum and testicles. She politely turns down the meal and Pitka squeezes the nuts and coughing imitating a rountine physical. Rajneesh puts the meal on a board and whacks the nuts with a mallet repeatedly Pitka feels the pain in his own testicles reacting with exclaims grunts of anguish and he groans and shouts " ow!" As his eyes widen. He moans A-E-I-O-U with each letter for each whack and winces. He uses the safe word " Geronimo! " causing his assistant to stop. Rajneesh completes the next step dipping it into hot oil grease. Pitka groans in discomfort at first but as they are dipped in more he moans lewdly in pleasure as his eyes roll in the back of his head and he chuckles " That's good." He comments to Jane that it feels good then adds that he meant it " tastes good." Pitka gets her to move in for a kiss, only to hear a ding on his chastity belt. He tells her it can not be, and she does not understand and runs out. Next, Pitka tells Darren to write an apology note to Prudence. Pitka gets in a huge fight with Le Cocq's guard rooster in order to deliver the note.
After they lose a third game, they have meeting in the locker room where coach Cherkoff berates Jane. He asks Pitka " What's the capital of Thailand?" after Pitka responds " Bangkok.” Cherkoff punches Maurice in the crotch, despite shaking his hand from hitting Pitka's chastity belt, it does not protect it's contents and does not protect Him. Pitka's testicles are all ready in discomfort from over 30 years of blue balls causing him who instantly groans and grabs his testicles hunching down. While Pitka groans the team groans and Jane gasps. Maurice shouts " Omar Shariff, My BALLS" and moans. He drops to the floor groaning with and while crying and shouts " my balls! You prick!" 
coach Cherkoff warns him to “ stay down bitch “ as Pitka looks with fear in his eyes at a possible second shot to his cum clogged testicles he cherishes . He nods submissively and says “ okay “. Laying down . 
Jane gives up on Pitka and yells at him to do his job as he tries verbally manipulating her like he did at dinner. 
The R in Drama is Regression. Apparently Darren is afraid of his mother. They confront her at her Church choir but she ends up scaring both Pitka and Darren out of the church with her harsh words. Time is running out, so Pitka skips through the rest of the anagram. He distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion, then lies to Prudence, telling her Darren stood up to his mom, getting her to go back to Darren. At the last game. Le Cocq, having overheard that Darren cannot play with his mother in the audience, gets Darren's mother to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to run out of the game. Meanwhile, Pitka is at the airport, on his way to the Oprah show. He sees the news on TV and defies his agent by going to the game to help Darren, as well as show Jane (who manages to stand up to the angry crowd) his chastity belt. After smoothing things over with his mother, Darren is OK again until Le Cocq says Prudence also said "Damn" to him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs to distract Darren from whatever is troubling him.
Pitka gets two elephants to have sex in the middle of the ring, in front of millions of TV audience, which distracts Le Cocq and helps Darren wake up from his stupor and hit the winning goal. After the game, Pitka makes up with Jane and befriends Coach Cherkoff, then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra. and everyone lives happily ever after. Back in the Indian village, Guru Tugginmypudha tella Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka's chastity belt, as there was a hook in the back. Jane and Pitka kiss. The ending is a rendition of the Steve Miller Band song "The Joker" with Jane and Pitka dancing Indian musical style.
==Cast==
* Mike Myers as Guru Maurice Pitka / Young Pitka / Teenage Pitka / Himself
* Jessica Alba as Jane Bullard
* Justin Timberlake as Jacques "Le Coq" Grandé
* Romany Malco as Darren Roanoke
* Meagan Good as Prudence Roanoke, Darren's wife and Jacques' lover
* Verne Troyer as Coach Punch Cherkov
* Omid Djalili as Guru Satchabigknoba / Gagandeep Singh
* Ben Kingsley as Guru Tugginmypudha
* Telma Hopkins as Lillian Roanoke
* Manu Narayan as Rajneesh, Pitka's assistant
* John Oliver as Dick Pants
* Stephen Colbert as Jay Kell
* Jim Gaffigan as Trent Lueders
* Rob Huebel as Bar Patron / Cameo
* Daniel Tosh as Cowboy Hat
;As themselves
* Mariska Hargitay
* Jessica Simpson
* Kanye West
* Val Kilmer (uncredited)
* Morgan Freeman (voice)
* Rob Blake
* Deepak Chopra
* Oprah Winfrey
Category:2008 films
Category:2000s romantic comedy films
Category:American films
Category:American romantic comedy films
Category:English-language films
Category:Directorial debut films
Category:Films set in Toronto
Category:Films shot in Toronto
Category:Ice hockey films
Category:Sports comedy films
Category:Paramount Pictures films
Category:Screenplays by Mike Myers (actor)
Category:Rated PG-13