Pampers Golf: Super Rush

Pampers Golf: Super Rush is the fourth episode of Pampers in the House.
== Transcript ==
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
[Establishing shot of the Mushroom Kingdom. Cut to a group of Toads, Koopa Troopas and other miscellaneous Mario characters and enemies lining up towards a tent. There is a sign reading "New Mario Golf - Now Hiring!". Cut to the inside where Mario is sitting at a table interviewing people.]
Mario: Name?
Birdo: I- I- I'm Birdo.
Mario: Oh, hello a-Birdo! And why should a-you be in the new Super Mario golf a-game?
Birdo: Well I uh… I think people would really like playing as me, and it would be good female representation and-
Mario: Mmm… okay, Birdo, we'll a-think about it. Maybe you could be added in an update after launch.
Birdo: An update after launch?
Mario: Yeah, you see our plan is to release the game sometime in the summer unfinished so we can take everyone's money now, and then later on we're gonna release what we'll market as "free updates" where we actually finish the game!
Birdo: Oh cool! I bet everyone on Twitter is gonna love that!
Mario: I know-a right?! See you around, Birdo!
Birdo: See you!
[Birdo leaves the tent.]
Mario: Next!
[Pampers enters.]
Mario: Name?
Pampers: Pampers Lastname.
Mario: Oh Pampers Lastname, alri- wait, you're not from the Mushroom Kingdom!
Pampers: Uh, no I'm not. I'm from the uh… "Original Kingdom".
[Pause.]
Pampers: It was a secret unlockable level in Mario Odyssey.
[Pause.]
Pampers: You had to use a code.
Mario: Mmm, I don't remember a secret level in that game.
Pampers: Well I guess you clearly haven't played it enough.
Mario: You know "Pampers", it's-a really nice for you to-a drop in, but I really don't see why we should put you in the game if even I, Super Mario, don't know who you are.
Pampers: Well uh… that's the thing, isn't it? I'm a really obscure Mario character so uh… uh… it would be good fanservice for the people with hyperfixations or whatever.
[Unnamed Assistant and SpongeCicle enter.]
Unnamed Assistant: Found him!
SpongeCicle: Ah, Pampers! We've been looking everywhere, I was so worried.
Unnamed Assistant: I wasn't.
Pampers: Oh, uh, hey guys.
SpongeCicle: Come on Pampers, we have to g- wait, holy shit! Is that Super Mario?
Mario: It's a-me, alright!
SpongeCicle: Wow! Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I wasn't prepared to meet anyone famous today!
Pampers: I'm literally the president, SpongeCicle.
Mario: President?
SpongeCicle: Look Mario, I'm a huge fan of you. It would be an honour if you could sign my popsicle stick!
Unnamed Assistant: Ugh, not you too! We don't have time for messing around, SpongeCicle! We have to go and-
Mario: Wait wait wait, hold on! You're not a Mario character!
Pampers: I'm not?
Mario: No! You're Pampers from the acclaimed series Pampers in the House!
Pampers: That's what it says in the theme song anyway.
Unnamed Assistant: Acclaimed by who?
Mario: Ugh, you're all a-wasting my time! Next!
Pampers: No, no, Mario, please give me a chance! I really want to be in your game!
Unnamed Assistant: Why?
Pampers: Well, have you ever been in a Mario game?
Unnamed Assistant: I don't think so.
Pampers: Well then you wouldn't know what it's like! Look Mario, I know I'm not a Mario character but you've had crossover characters before! Please put me in the game! Please! Please! Please!
Mario: ...ugh, alright. I'll put you in the game-
Pampers: Alright!
Mario: -if you can beat me at a game of golf.
Pampers: What?!
Mario: You heard me.
SpongeCicle: He said he'll put you in the game if you can beat him at golf.
[Pause.]
Pampers: (gulp) Alright. I accept.
Mario: Then it's settled. See you at [insert time here].
[The three exit. Luigi enters.]
Luigi: Wow, Mario, that's a big opportunity! Are you really going to put some SpongeBob O-C in the game?
Mario: Nah, he'll never beat me! I'm a-Mario! There's nothing I can't do!
Luigi: Except be a doctor.
Mario: What do you mean? I'm a brilliant doctor!
Luigi: Yeah but one day they're all gonna find out you don't have a real medical license.
Mario: Eh, they haven't minded me borrowing yours yet, it's not like you've ever used it.
Luigi: Yeah I have.
Mario: When?
Luigi: Back in 2013, on Wii U.
Mario: What's a Wii U?
Luigi: I have no idea.
[Cut to Pampers, SpongeCicle and Unnamed Assistant walking away from the tent.]
SpongeCicle: Pampers, this is amazing! You're gonna play golf with the world famous Super Mario!
Pampers: Yeah, we all know, that's what the last scene was establishing.
SpongeCicle: Wait, do you even know how to play golf?
Pampers: No, but it can't be that hard, right?!
SpongeCicle: That's the spirit!
???: Tally-ho, boys!
[Pan over to Mr. Crack facing the group, wearing a golf outfit. He walks towards them.]
Pampers: Mr. Crack?
SpongeCicle: What are you doing here?
Mr. Crack: Same reason you all are!
Unnamed Assistant: You're here because your plane crashed on the way back from an international relations meeting with Petoria and so you're now stuck here until the plane gets fixed?
Mr. Crack: Um… no. I'm here for the big golf tournament of course!
SpongeCicle: What golf tournament?
Unnamed Assistant: All they're doing here is casting characters for some children's sports game.
Mr. Crack: Fuck.
Pampers: Wait, you know how to play golf?
Mr. Crack: Of course I do, I've been playing for years! It's one of my favorite hobbies, besides being an addict of course.
Pampers: Cool! You can teach me how to play then!
Mr. Crack: (laughs) Oh, Pampers. Golf isn't some dumb sport any old Tom, Dick or Harry can learn to play one afternoon. It takes years and years of practice to be good at it!
SpongeCicle: He's playing a game with Mario later.
Pampers: And if I win, I get to be in the new golf game!
Mr. Crack: Mario? You mean… Mario from the Hornio Brothers?
Pampers: ...sure.
Mr. Crack: Then you better learn how to play, and fast!
[Cut to Pampers and Mr. Crack on a golf course.]
Mr. Crack: So… have you ever played golf before?
Pampers: I'm being investigated for storming the Capitol.
Mr. Crack: Well that's a start.
[Mr. Crack places a golf ball on the ground.]
Mr. Crack: You know what a ball is, right?
Pampers: Yeah. It's a bit small though, don't you think?
Mr. Crack: What do you mean?
Pampers: Well how am I supposed to score a goal with that?
Mr. Crack: Oh God, you really know nothing about golf, do you?
Pampers: Not a clue.
[Cut to SpongeCicle and Unnamed Assistant sitting down eating a packed lunch.]
Unnamed Assistant: Are you sure you don't want me to go and get you an ice cream or something?
SpongeCicle: Believe me, no.
[Mr. Crack approaches them.]
Unnamed Assistant: How's it going?
Mr. Crack: He's worse than I thought.
[Pan over to Pampers dancing with the golf club like it's a cane.]
Pampers: 🎵Lucky there's a Family Guy-🎵
[Cut to the round of golf against Mario. Various citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom have shown up to watch. Cut to Toad sitting at a desk talking into a microphone.]
Toad: TOADS AND TOADETTES, WELCOME TO THE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED GOLF MATCH OF SUPER MARIO VS SOME GUY FROM A SPONGEBOB FANFICTION SITE!!!!!!
[Everyone applauds.]
Unnamed Assistant: Great. Now I'm deaf.
Toad: THAT'S RIGHT! WE ARE HERE IN THE MOMENT JUST WAITING FOR THEM TO TEE OFF!!!!
[Mario approaches the court in his golf uniform and his club.]
Mario: Hmm, you're a-going down big guy.
[Pampers turns to SpongeCicle and Mr. Crack.]
Pampers: (gulp) Guys I'm scared.
Mr. Crack: You should be, you're going up against Mario Mario with no preparation whatsoever. 
SpongeCicle: Oh come on, Pampers! It can't be that bad, it's not like you have anything to lose.
Pampers: Well… okay.
Toad: OKAY! BEFORE WE BEGIN, LET'S GO OVER THE RULES. SO BOTH PLAYERS WILL BE TEEING OFF AT THE SAME TIM-
Waluigi: Boo! Get to the sex!
[Mario swings his club and his ball flies across the court.]
Toad: WELP, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE OFF!!
Mario: Aw yeah!
[Mario starts running across the court to the ball.]
Mr. Crack: Hey! That's not fair! He's running off without Pampers!
Mario: (yelling back to Mr. Crack) This isn't a-normal golf, you loser! This is a-Super Mario golf! Wahoo!
Pampers: So uh… heh, what are you supposed to do in golf again?
Mr. Crack: Grrr… just catch up to him and kick his ass!
Pampers: Okay! Okay!
[Pampers starts running along after Mario, pushing the golf ball along with his club. Toad turns to another Toad behind him.]
Toad: Is that allowed?!!!
[The other Toad shrugs. Cut to Pampers still running along the court pushing the ball along. He somehow manages to catch up to Mario, who is examining how to do his next shot.]
Pampers: Hey, Mr. M! I'm here!
Mario: Ugh, you'll never defeat me you fool!
[Mario whacks the golf ball across the court again and it lands near the hole.]
Toad: NICE SHOT FROM MARIO!!!
Pampers: Wow.
Mario: Beat that!
[Mario sprints off after the ball. Pampers goes to hit the ball like Mario, but decides to go back to pushing the ball along again.]
Pampers: Aw fuck it.
Toad: AND…. not a nice shot from Pampers.
[Mario is still running after his ball.]
Mario: Imma gonna do it! Imma gonna get a Birdie!
Mr. Crack: Ewghh, this is hard to watch.
SpongeCicle: PAMPERS!!!
Pampers: Huh?
SpongeCicle: USE YOUR SPECIAL DASH!!!!
Pampers: My special rash?!
SpongeCicle: NO! YOUR SPECIAL DASH!!!
Pampers: What the fuck is a "special dash"?!
SpongeCicle: I DON'T KNOW! JUST DO IT!
Pampers: Well I ain't got any other ideas.
[Pampers starts straining himself. Mario stops running and looks back at him.]
Mario: What the…
Toad: WELL FOLKS, IT LOOKS LIKE PAMPERS IS-
Unnamed Assistant: Taking a dump on the court?
Mr. Crack: (facepalms) What the fuck is he doing?! He has no chance!
[Suddenly Pampers starts glowing blue, well blue-r than he already is, and sprints across the court, still dragging the ball along with him.]
Toad: WOW!! LOOKS LIKE PAMPERS IS USING HIS SPECIAL DASH!!
Mr. Crack: See? I told you he would do well, I taught him myself.
[Pampers, still sprinting across the court, knocks over Mario and arrives near the hole.]
Pampers: Come on Pampers, you can do this. All you need to do is hit this stupid little ball into that hole… or at least I assume that's how it works. (he takes a deep breath) Okay, here goes…
[Pampers takes a step back and swings the golf ball right into the… distance, far away from the hole. The ball hits a Paratroopa and they fall to the floor. Everyone stares in silence.]
SpongeCicle: Well that was anti-climatic.
[Mario runs over and hits his ball into the hole.]
Toad: ...AAAAAAAAND LOOKS LIKE THAT'S A BIRDIE FOR MARIO! MARIO WINS!!!
[The crowd cheers.]
Mario: Aw yeah! Mario time!
Pampers: Wait, that's it? You win?
Mario: Hey, don't sweat it, I have been playing this sport for years.
Pampers: Yeah but you win just like that? After only one round? That's it?
[Mario starts changing from his golf uniform into his plumbing outfit while talking.]
Mario: Well what did you expect? I don't have an awful lot of free time lately. I gotta go fix someone's toilet in about five minutes, then I need to go and save the princess, and then the guys will probably need me down at the construction site- I'm a busy man.
Pampers: Ugh, well this sucks.
Mario: Yeah, better luck next time. Good game though, see ya!
[Mario walks off. SpongeCicle, Unnamed Assistant and Mr. Crack approach Pampers.]
Mr. Crack: So uh… what now?
Pampers: I'm probably just gonna go sit down somewhere and cry until the plane is fixed.
Mr. Crack: Oh right! I forgot you were only here because your plane crashed. It wouldn't happen to be a blue one with Pampers' face painted on it, would it?
Unnamed Assistant: Um… yeah, why?
Mr. Crack: Oh, I overheard down at the clubhouse that the guys fixed it hours ago.
Unnamed Assistant: 'You what?!''
Mr. Crack: Yeah, heh, funny isn't it? I guess we all just wasted our time here. Ha, hahahahahahahaa.
[Pause.]
Mr. Crack: Y'all don't look happy.
[Credits.]