Charlie/Script

==Cast==
In order of appearance:
* Mr. Garrison (with Mr. Hat)
* Kenny
* Kyle
* Cartman
* Stan
* Charlie
* Clyde
* Wendy
* Bebe
* Sharon
* Randy
* On elevision
** Cast of Spongebob Squarepants
** Terrance & Phillip
** Eskimo Chief
* Ms. Crabtree
* Nurse Gollum
* Mr. Mackey
* Butters
* Sheila Broflovski
* Ike
* Jane Pierzynski
* Chef
* Becca
==Script==
 	[The episode starts with the typical shot of South Park Elementary. Inside, the third grade class is crowded around Kenny's desk. He's drinking something out of a small can. The class chants and eggs him on.]
Class: 	Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [Mr. Garrison walks into the room. He holds Mr. Hat and some books.]
Mr. Garrison:	Okay, children, take your seats.
Class: 	[Ignoring him] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Mr. Garrison:	[Annoyed and yelling] Shut up and take your goddamn seats! And Kenny, throw that in the trash. [The kids scatter to their seats and Kenny walks to the trash and throws away the can.] Okay, children, we have some exciting news for you! A new student will be joining our class later today! [As Mr. Hat] That's right, Mr. Garrison! Oh boy! [The class groans. Mr. Garrison now speaks as himself.] Cut that out! And don't interrupt Mr. Hat when he's talking!
Kenny: 	(Mr. Garrison?)
Mr. Garrison:	[Not noticing Kenny] Well, as I was saying, our new student is named Charlie Pierzynski. She moved here from Minneapolis.
Kyle: 	[Raising his hand] Mr. Garrison? Don't you mean "he"? Charlie is a boy name.
Mr. Garrison:	[As Mr. Hat, yelling] Kyle, you watch your smart mouth! I'll whip you if I hear you correcting Mr. Garrison's pronoun usage again, mister, you hear me? [As Mr. Garrison] Now, Mr. Hat, let's calm down. Kyle raises a valid point. Now, I'm not sure, Kyle. [He looks through some papers.] All I have about the kid are its registration forms, and it says "Charlie" for name and "female" for sex. [The boys in the class start snickering. Garrison rolls his eyes.] Oh, really, that's very mature, gentlemen.
Cartman: 	[Chuckling] Heh-heh... Mr. Garrison... said "sex"...
Kenny: 	[Waving one hand and holding his stomach with the other] (I think I'm gonna be sick, Mr. Garrison!)
Mr. Garrison:	That's enough, children! Let's move onto some word problems. Now, if I had six big, round, hard nuts, and Ricky Martin ate five of them, then how many nuts would I have? [The class stares at him, wide-eyed.] Anyone? Anyone?
Kenny: 	[Frantic, waving both arms] MR. GARRISON! [Mr. Garrison continues to ignore him.]
Stan: 	[Raising his hand] Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison:	Yes, Stanley?
Stan: 	Kenny's gonna throw up. [Kenny vomits blue globs on his desk. Mr. Garrison stares at the puke for a moment, then goes to the garbage can. He pulls out the can Kenny had been drinking out of earlier.]
Mr. Garrison:	My God, Kenny... This is paint!
Cartman: 	Oh, how sad... It's all his family can afford.
Kenny: 	[Angrily] Shut up, fat-ass! [Cartman and the others laugh. Kenny punches Cartman in the arm.]
Mr. Garrison:	[Walking back to the front of the classroom] Now, we all know it's true Kenny. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Now go get the janitor to clean that up before we're quarantined. [Kenny gets up and walks out of the room.]
Kyle: 	[Raising his hand] Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison:	Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: 	You have one nut.
Mr. Garrison:	[Pause.]] How did you know that?
 	[The bell rings again. Students are returning to the classroom from lunch. Wendy and Bebe are absent. Mr. Garrison stands in the front of the classroom. A new kid stands near the desk and stares at Mr. Hat nervously. She has short, brown hair and wears a blue-green hat and blue jacket with cargo pants. She has little scratches and bruises on her face. She looks somewhat like a boy.]
Mr. Garrison:	All right class, take your seats! [The students all settle down.] Now, Mr. Hat has a new friend he wants to introduce to you! [As Mr. Hat] Everybody, this is Charlie Pierzynski, your new classmate! Say hello to Charlie, everyone.
Class: 	[In a bored monotone] Hello, Charlie.
Mr. Garrison:	[As himself] Now, are there any questions you'd like to ask Charlie? [Stan raises hand.] Yes Stanley?
Stan: 	Are you a boy or a girl?
Charlie: 	I'm a girl.
Stan: 	Then why is your name "Charlie"?
Charlie: 	It's supposed to be short for Charlotte, I guess.
Stan: 	[Pause.] Oh.
Mr. Garrison:	Anyone else? Yes, Clyde?
Clyde: 	If you're from Minneapolis, then why don't you have a British accent?
Charlie: 	Minneapolis is in the U.S.
Clyde: 	No it isn't. It's a town in England. My dad went there once.
Kyle: 	Minneapolis is in Minnesota, dumbass.
Clyde: 	Seriously?
Kyle: 	Yes.
Clyde: 	[Pause.] Oh.
Mr. Garrison:	All right, do you kids have any more stupid little questions? Yes, Kenny?
Kenny: 	(Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but are you a dyke?)
[The class laughs. Charlie looks embarrassed. Mr. Garrison looks angry.]
Stan: 	[To Kyle] What's a "dyke"?
Kyle: 	I dunno. Kenny, what's a dyke?
Kenny: 	(Dykes are girls who like pussy.) [All three laugh.]
Mr. Garrison:	[Angrily] Kenny McCormick, where did you learn that kind of language?
Kenny: 	(Television.)
Mr. Garrison.	Oh. All right then. Um, class, we've got a special surprise for the rest of the afternoon, but before I tell you what it is, is there anyone who'd like to show Charlie around during recess? Anyone? [Cartman forcibly raises Kenny's hand.] Alright, then, Charlie. Why don't you take that seat next to Kenny? [Gestures toward Cartman's desk.]
Cartman: 	Heh-heh... [Suddenly realizes that Mr. Garrison meant his desk.] Hey! I'm in this seat!
Mr. Garrison 	Oh, I forgot all about you, Eric. Well, why don't you go sit over in that seat by Pip?
Cartman: 	Bu- the- wh- Dammit, are you serious?
Mr. Garrison:	Right now, Eric.
Cartman: 	[Whining] But I don't waaannaaaa! Ahhhhhhm!
Mr. Garrison:	NOW, Eric. [Cartman grumbles angrily as he moves over to the seat next to Pip. Charlie sits down in his old seat but crosses her arms and looks away from Kenny.] Now, as a special surprise for the rest of the class, we'll be watching several important episodes of "Barnaby Jones". There will be a quiz on this stuff, so pay attention. [The class groans. As soon as Mr. Garrison flicks off the lights, everyone in the class but Charlie puts his head down on his desk. Charlie looks around, then does the same.]
 	[It's recess. All of the kids are playing outside. The boys are standing around by the swings.]
Stan:
CARTMAN: {C 
KYLE:	No, dude— I was really asleep the whole class.
Kyle: 	Yeah right. I saw you peeking at the screen. I think you LIKE "Barnaby Jones".
Stan: 	Do not!
Kenny: 	(Do too!)
Stan: 	Shut up, Kenny!
Cartman: 	[In an elevated tone] Your impertinent and childish chatter is boring me. Let's play alien invasion.
Kyle: 	No way dude. We played alien invasion Friday, and the day before that, and the day before that.
Stan: 	Yeah, aren't you getting tired of the same old boring aliens with the same old boring fizzing green blood?
Cartman: 	Dude. You can never get enough of Tralfadorians. They kick ass.
Kyle: 	Hey, Kenny, aren't you supposed to be showing that new girl around? [Kenny shrugs.]
Cartman: 	[Whining] Come on you guys, I wanna play alien invasion!
Kyle: 	Shut up, Cartman.
Cartman: 	I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew!
Stan: 	Hey, that rhymed! "I'm not talking to you, you ugly Jew."
Kenny: 	("I sleep with your sister more often than you!") [Everyone but Kyle laughs.]
Kyle: 	Shut up, Kenny! I don't even have a sister! [Charlie walks up to the group. Cartman looks annoyed.]
Cartman: 	[Sighing] Well, what do you want?
Charlie: 	The guy with the puppet said the orange kid is supposed to show me where stuff is.
Cartman: 	Kenny doesn't want to show you where stuff is. You got me kicked out of my seat, you little twat. Go stand by the wall like the other new kids. [They all look over at the school wall, where two kids, one around kindergarten-sized and one taller than the third graders, frown and stare awkwardly at the ground.]
Charlie: 	[Frowning] Fine. I don't need his help. [She walks away. A moment later she comes back.] At least I'm not a fat-ass. [She walks away again. The boys (except for Cartman) snicker.]
Cartman: 	[Looking pissed] Hey! I'm not—well at least I'm not a gender-confused new kid! Go… put on a dress and get back in the kitchen where you belong! [To Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] And stop laughing! Let's go play alien invasion!
 	Screw you. I'd rather just show the new kid around.
Stan: 	Me too. C'mon Kenny. C'mon, fat-ass.
Cartman: 	You guys go ahead and show your retarded little genderless friend around. I'm staying here and playing alien invasion by myself, where I'm ALLOWED to wear impenetrable vests.
Stan: 	Whatever, dude. [The three walk away. Cartman looks a little bummed.]
 	Fine. They can just go. I don't need them. Stupid Jew. I am master over this swing; it is my tiny realm. Nobody can touch it. It's mine. And it thinks I'm awesome.
 	[The other three walk over to the bench across the playground where Charlie is sitting by herself. She has one sleeve rolled up, revealing a badly bruised arm. She pokes it and winces.]
Kyle: 	Whoa, where'd you—? [Charlie yelps and falls off of the bench. The three stare at her as she gets up and quickly rolls down her sleeve.]
Charlie: 	Hi.
Kyle: 	Yeah. Hi. Where'd you get those bruises though, dude?
Charlie: 	Wha—what?
Kyle: 	The bruises. All over your arm.
Kenny: 	(Maybe she likes rough sex.)
Charlie: 	I do not! I just… fell down the stairs.
Kyle: 	On your arm?
Charlie: 	…Yes. [They stare blankly at her.] …Also I ran into a table. Really hard. [Pause.] I just fall down a lot.
Stan: 	Um, okay. Kenny is supposed to show you around though. [Kenny waves.]
Charlie: 	Oh, yeah, well… I'm okay, I think. It's no big deal.
Stan: 	Okay. C'mon, guys.
Kyle: 	Dude!
Stan: 	What? [Kenny heads back over to where Cartman is playing.] She doesn't want us to show her around, so we don't have to show her around.
Kyle: 	Well, she's new and everything. She's probably just a little shy.
Stan: 	I think I'd rather just… [The two look back and see Cartman flopped on top of Kenny, who is brutally kicking his way out.] Never mind.
Kyle: 	[To Charlie] Do you want us to show you around? [Charlie smiles slightly and nods.]
 	[Stan, Kyle, and Charlie walk around the schoolyard.]
Stan: 	That's the swings, and that's the tetherball thing, and that's the jungle gym. And our teacher's name is Mr. Garrison.
Charlie: 	Does he always have a puppet?
Stan: 	What, Mr. Hat? Yeah, he always has Mr. Hat.
Kyle: 	And that's Wendy, and that's Bebe, and the fat-ass is Cartman, and I don't know who that is, and that's Pip. His real name's Philip, but everyone calls him Pip, 'cause we hate him.
Charlie: 	Why do you hate him?
Kyle: 	We just do.
Charlie: 	Oh. [Wendy and Bebe walk over to the group.]
Wendy: 	Hi, Stan. [Stan throws up.]
Kyle: 	Hi Wendy. Hi Bebe.
Wendy: 	Stan, are you done throwing up? [Stan throws up again.]
Wendy: 	Ew, that's gross! Puke is gross. Now are you done throwing up?
Stan: 	I think so.
Wendy: 	Can I talk to you?
Stan: 	Sure. [Stan and Wendy walk away. Bebe smiles at Charlie. Charlie and Kyle glance at each other uncomfortably.]
Wendy: 	Stan, is there a new kid in our class?
Stan: 	Yeah, weren't you there for the big introduction?
Wendy: 	No. Bebe's mom took me and her to a hair salon. Do you like my new hair? [She spins around. Her hair looks the same as always.]
Stan: 	Yeah. It's great.
Wendy: 	But Stan! What's the new kid's name?
Stan: 	Charlie.
Wendy: 	I love that name! Stan, do you think Charlie would like to go out with Bebe? When she saw him earlier at recess, she said she thought he was cute.
Stan: 	[Looking a little disturbed] Um, Wendy, I don't think—
Wendy: 	Well, Kyle doesn't like her, and she's really sad because I have a boyfriend and she doesn't! [Stan throws up.] Ew, gross! Stan, that's gross! But anyway, come on! Go ask Charlie if he likes Bebe!
Stan: 	Charlie isn't—
Wendy: 	Please?
Stan: 	…Okay. [They walk back. Bebe is still staring at Charlie, who hasn't said a word. Wendy whispers something to Bebe, who giggles and whispers something back.]
Wendy: 	Charlie, this is Bebe, and I'm Wendy.
Charlie: 	Hi.
Wendy: 	I'm Stan's girlfriend.
Charlie: 	Okay. [Bebe whispers something to Wendy, then smiles shyly at Charlie.]
Wendy: 	My friend Bebe was wondering if—Stan, what's wrong?
Stan 	[Stan is shaking his head vigorously.] I really don't think you should—
Wendy: 	Stop being so selfish, Stan! He can do whatever he wants! Charlie, would you like to go out with Bebe? [Charlie doesn't say anything, just opens her mouth in shock. Bebe giggles.] It's okay. She thinks you're cute. [Charlie doesn't move.] Does that mean yes? [Charlie doesn't move. Bebe and Wendy turn to each other and start squealing with excitement.] Yes! This is so exciting! Bebe has a boyfriend! [Bebe runs up and kisses Charlie on the cheek. Charlie appears to be completely petrified. The two girls run off together. Stan, Kyle, and Charlie stare after them. Then Stan and Kyle look at Charlie.]
Kyle: 	Dude! You're going out with Bebe! [Charlie doesn't move.] Bebe's a girl! [Charlie doesn't move. Kyle looks over at Stan.] Dude, is she okay?
Stan: 	I dunno. Should we get her to the nurse?
Kyle: 	One sec… [He punches one of her arms.]
Charlie: 	[Jerking out of her trance] Ah! Dad! [She notices Kyle and Stan. She rubs her arm.] Ow. What was that for?
Kyle: 	You're Bebe's boyfriend. [Charlie freezes again.]
Stan: 	Dude? Dude! [Stan punches her other arm.]
Charlie: 	Ah! Cut it out! [Kyle punches her arm again. Charlie rubs her arm and glares at him.] I'm awake, I'm awake! What was that for?
Kyle: 	Just checking.
 	[Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Charlie are at Stan's house in his bedroom. Sharon knocks on the door and comes in with a plate of cookies.]
Sharon: 	Stan, I think it's so nice that you invited all your little friends over!
Stan: 	Sure, Mom.
Sharon: 	And it's so nice that you finally made a new friend! [She puts down the cookies on the dresser.] What did you say his name was?
Stan: 	Charlie. And she's a girl.
Sharon: 	Of course, sweetheart. Have a nice time, kids! [She exits.]
Stan: 	[To Charlie] Sorry about that.
Charlie: 	It's okay. Thanks for inviting me over.
Kyle: 	It's probably the least he could do considering he let you get together with Bebe.
 	[Randy reads the newspaper on the couch in the living room. Sharon comes down the stairs and walks up behind him.]
Sharon: 	The boys invited a nice little lesbian girl over today.
Randy: 	[Looking up from his newspaper.] Really? That's just swell.
Sharon: 	I'm just so glad our son is so open-minded.
Randy: 	[Grinning] I guess we did a good job raising him after all!
 	[Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Charlie are still sitting on the ground in Stan's room. Cartman munches on a cookie.]
Cartman: 	Well guys, I'm not entirely convinced that Charlie—IF that is your name—[Charlie looks a little confused] is actually a girl. Maybe he's just pretending 'cause he's gay.
Charlie: 	Am not!
Kyle: 	Yeah, shut up, fat-boy! She's a girl!
Cartman: 	[In a teasing, sing-song voice] Kyle likes Char-lie! Kyle likes a boo-oy! Jews are ga-ay!
Kyle: 	Shut up, you stupid piece of shit!
Cartman: 	I'll prove it to you! Charlie, pull down your pants!
Charlie: 	What? No thanks.
Cartman: 	No, seriously! You don't have something to HIDE from us, do you? Like a penis?
Charlie: 	Of course not. I just don't wanna pull down my pants!
Kenny: 	(That's fucked up.)
Stan: 	Yeah, Cartman. You're a sick pervert.
Cartman: 	Oh yeah? [He leans over and grabs Charlie's pants. Charlie kicks Cartman in the face with her other foot. Cartman lets go and moans a little. Suddenly Cartman opens his mouth and spits a load of blood on the floor. Stan runs to the door.]
Stan: 	Mom! Cartman tried to pull down Charlie's pants to see if she had a penis and she kicked him in the face and he puked blood on my carpet! [Sharon hurries into the room. Cartman is moaning pitifully.]
Cartman: 	[Whimpering] I feel victimized!
Sharon: 	My God Stanley, they've been over for all of five minutes and this happens!
Kyle: 	It was Cartman's fault, Mrs. Marsh. He was being a sick pervert and trying to take Charlie's pants off.
Sharon: 	…Okay… Eric, do you want me to call your mom?
 	I'm so abused! What did I do to deserve this? [Sharon leads Cartman out of the room.]
Sharon: 	Stan, if any more of your friends vomit blood on your carpet, you're done playing for the day. Do you understand me?
Stan: 	Okay, Mom. [Sharon and Cartman leave the room. Cartman can be heard crying for a little while.] Don’t worry about Cartman, Charlie. He’s just a douchey little perv. [The four sit in awkward silence for several seconds.] When does Terrance and Phillip start?
Kyle: 	Twenty minutes.
Stan: 	Crap. We have twenty minutes to kill. What do you wanna do, Kenny?
Kenny: 	(Jack off.)
Stan: 	That's stupid. That's all you ever want to do.
Kenny: 	[Indignant] (It's fun!)
Kyle: 	Well, what do you wanna do, Charlie?
Charlie: 	I don't know... Whatever you guys wanna do, I guess.
Stan: 	What do you want to do, Kyle?
Kyle: 	I dunno. It's your house. What do you wanna do?
Stan: 	[Pause.]] This is retarded. Let's just watch the last fifteen minutes of Spongebob before Terrance and Phillip is on.
 	[Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Charlie sit on the couch in Stan's living room. They're watching Spongebob Squarepants.]
Spongebob: 	[In an exaggerated-stupid voice] Hey Patrick, do you want a Krabby Patty?
Patrick: 	[Staring blankly into space with a stupid smile] Uhhh...
Spongebob: 	Hey, Squidward! Do you like my new pet jellyfish?
Squidward: 	[Angry grumbling.]
Mr. Krabs: 	MONEY!!!
Kyle: 	Dude, this show sucks. [Spongebob ends with everyone laughing stupidly in a circle. Patrick is hitting himself on the head with a rock. All four stare stone-faced at the television.]
Announcer: 	And now, the Terrance and Phillip program!
Kids: 	Hooray!
Terrance: 	Well, Phillip, it appears that we are in the Arctic among the native Eskimos!
Phillip: 	It sure does Terrance. Hey, Terrance?
Terrance: 	Yes, Phillip? [Phillip farts. Both of them laugh. The kids laugh.] That was a good one, Phillip! [An Eskimo chief enters the scene.]
Phillip: 	Oh look, there is the chief of the tribe! Hello there! [The chief stares solemnly at the pair.]
Terrance: 	Eskimo chief? Guess what? There's a magic rock on the ground! [Eskimo chief looks surprised and excited.] Look closer and you'll be able to see it. [The Chief leans down.] Closer… Closer…
Stan: 	I know what he's gonna do! [Terrance farts in the chief's face. Chief growls, the two laugh, and the chief starts to laugh too. The four kids laugh.]
 	[The show is ending. The kids stare at the screen, transfixed, with smiles on their faces.]
Terrance: 	Well, Phillip, although we couldn't persuade the Eskimos to convert to Catholicism, at least we got these wonderful jackets made out of whale blubber!
Phillip: 	Help! Mine's on fire! Help me Terrance! [Terrance approaches Phillip, who farts in his face. The show ends. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny still sit on the couch, but Charlie is gone.]]'
Stan: 	That was sweet!
Kenny: 	(Those fart jokes never get old!)
Kyle: 	You got that right, Kenny.
Stan: 	[Looking around] Hey... Where's Charlie?
Charlie: 	[Running down the stairs from Stan's room, pulling on her coat.] I forgot I had to be home by four! I live all the way on the other side of town! I've got to go!
Stan: 	That's where Kenny lives. Maybe his mom could— [She runs out the door.]
Kyle: 	What was that about?
Stan: 	I dunno. Maybe her mom's really strict or something. [Suddenly, Charlie opens the door again.]
Charlie: 	Bathroom?
Stan: 	[Pointing] Right over there.
Charlie: 	Thanks. [The bathroom door slams, and after a few seconds, a flush and a faucet are heard. Charlie comes running out.] Bye! [She exits.]
Stan: 	What the hell was that?
Kyle: 	Maybe all girls act like that.
Kenny: 	(It's probably just PMS.) [The three laugh.]
Stan: 	[While laughing] What's PMS?
 	[The boys are standing at the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are just standing there. Cartman has a bandage on his nose. He's singing "The Long and Winding Road" to himself. The bus pulls up.]
Ms. Crabtree:	Hurry up! We're runnin' late! And be quiet!
Kyle: 	Hey, where's Charlie?
Cartman: 	Probably trying to get somebody else to kiss her ass. Next time I see her I swear to God I'll just be like, "Hey, you asshole! I… You stupid bitch! Go make me a pot pie!" And I'll kick her in the nuts or something.
Stan: 	Girls don't have nuts, Cartman.
Cartman: 	Really?
Kyle: 	[Shrugging] I thought you knew that when you were trying to see if she had a penis yesterday.
Cartman: 	[Thinking] Nuts are associated with the male anatomy?
Ms. Crabree: 	[Screaming] HEY! SHUT UP BACK THERE! I'M GONNA GET IN AN ACCIDENT AND SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT! [She pulls to a sharp stop. Most of the kids fall out of their seats.] Everybody off! Stay in line!
 	[Third grade classroom. The kids are getting settled down. Mr. Garrison stands in the front of the room with Mr. Hat.]
Mr. Garrison:	All right kids, everybody get in your seat so I can take attendance. [Murmurs to himself] All right… Does anybody know where Charlie Pierzynski is?
Stan: 	She wasn't on the bus.
Mr. Garrison:	[Talking to Mr. Hat] Stupid kids. Late for school all the time. Sometimes I wanna— [As Mr. Hat] Calm down, Mr. Garrison. Remember, patience. [As Mr. Garrison.] [He sighs] You're right, Mr. Hat. [Addressing the class] All right kids, first on the agenda today… Why don't you pass up your homework? [Charlie walks in. She has a black eye and a band-aid on her nose. She gives a little note to Mr. Garrison. He reads it then looks questioningly at her.] Are you sure that's what happened? [Charlie nods.] …Okay. Well take your seat. [Charlie sits down next to Kenny again.] Now class, today we're starting our big unit on pioneers! Isn't that exciting? [The class stares at him blankly.] [As Mr. Hat] It sure is, Mr. Garrison. Did you know that the U.S. bought a lot of its land-including some of Colorado-from France in the Louisiana Purchase? [As Mr. Garrison] Wow, that's very interesting, Mr. Hat! It was the Louisiana Purchase that allowed the pioneers to move west, since they now owned the land! Yes, Charlie? [Charlie pukes blood all over her desk, then faints and falls off her chair. The class gasps. Mr. Garrison looks exasperated.] Oh no, not again.
 	[Mr. Garrison walks down the hallway, carrying Charlie, who is still unconscious. He is followed by Kenny and Kyle. They reach the nurse's office. The enter.]
Nurse Gollum:	Oh dear! What do we have here?
Mr. Garrison:	I have no idea, but she came into class with a black eye—
Kyle: 	Then she barfed blood and fainted!
Kenny: 	(It was awesome!)
Charlie: 	[She suddenly opens her eyes and starts screaming hoarsely.] Put me down! Put me down! [Mr. Garrison looks surprised and puts her on one of the beds. She breathes deeply, then opens her eyes and sees the Nurse, Mr. Garrison, Kyle, and Kenny. She doesn't say anything, but she looks confused.]
Nurse Gollum:	You're at the nurse's office, hun. You just got a little sick. You're going to have to rest for awhile. [Whispering to Mr. Garrison] Do you think...?
Mr. Garrison:	I'm not sure; she's new, so I haven't met the parents yet. She seemed fine yesterday.
Nurse Gollum:	I'll have to check. Kenny, could you hand me that tray of dangerous medical equipment? [Kenny nervously approaches a tray of knives and electric probes, picks it up, and walks it over to the Nurse.] Thank you. [Kenny sighs in relief. Then he begins to hiccup. The Nurse pulls a sheet between her and Charlie and Mr. Garrison and the boys. Our view is from the boys' side of the curtain.]
Charlie: 	[Nervously] What are you doing?
Nurse Gollum:	Relax, dear. I just have to check something. You're going to have to take your coat off.
Charlie: 	I don't want to.
Nurse Gollum:	I'm sorry, but you have to. [There are a few moments of silence.] Oh my goodness.
 	[Back in the classroom, everyone is quiet. A few of them are looking at the bloody vomit all over the desk.]
Cartman: 	You know, it's sort of funny that everything that she did to me yesterday is happening to her now.
Stan: 	What do you mean?
Cartman: 	Well, the bitch kicked me in the face and pretty much broke my nose, and now she's got a bandage on HER nose.
Stan: 	So?
Cartman: 	And THEN she puked blood. Yesterday I puked blood. Coincidence, or karma? [The nearby kids stare at him.]
Bebe: 	[She is crying. Wendy tries to comfort her.] What happened to him?
Wendy: 	It's okay, Bebe. I'm sure he'll be fine.
Bebe: 	My life is over!
Stan: 	Uh, Bebe?
Bebe: 	[Tearfully] What?
Stan: 	I don't think you should go out with Charlie.
Bebe: 	Why not?
Stan: 	Well... Charlie's a girl.
Bebe: 	[Looking mortified] What?!
Wendy: 	Stan, why didn't you tell me that?!
Stan: 	You wouldn't let me!
Wendy: 	But his or her name is Charlie!
Stan: 	She says it's short for Charlotte!
Bebe: 	I kissed her on the cheek! Oh my God! [She runs from the room, gagging.]
Wendy: 	Why didn't she say something?
Stan: 	I dunno. Maybe 'cause you told her Bebe thought she was cute. That was pretty fucked up.
 	[Back in the nurse's office.]
Nurse Gollum:	[To Mr. Garrison] She has bruises all over her arms and chest.
Mr. Garrison:	Oh my God. Did she say where she got them?
Nurse Gollum:	She said she ran into a fridge and fell down the stairs.
Kyle: 	That's what she told us all right. [He pauses.] Wait—actually, I think she told us it was a table.
Kenny: 	(Yup, she said table.) Hiccup.
Nurse Gollum:	I think I'll call her home.
Kyle: 	Is she gonna be okay?
Nurse Gollum 	She should be fine. I'll talk to her mother about what happened and ask her to get her a doctor appointment. You boys should be getting back to class. [Bebe runs frantically into the room.]
Bebe: 	I'm dying! I'm dying!
Nurse Gollum:	What? What's the matter?
Bebe: 	I kissed a girl!
 	[Mr. Garrison, Kyle, Kenny, and Bebe are all back in the classroom.]
Mr. Garrison:	I'm sorry about the interruption, class. Charlie should be okay, she's just going to miss the rest of the day.
Stan: 	[Raising his hand] Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison:	Yes, Stanley?
Stan: 	That bloody puke smells really bad, Mr. Garrison:
Mr. Garrison:	Oh. Right. Kenny, will you go get the janitor? [Kenny sighs and leaves the room. And hiccups.] Now, where was I…? [As Mr. Hat] The Louisiana Purchase, Mr. Garrison! [As Mr. Garrison] Oh boy!
 	[Charlie is lying awake in the nurse's office without her jacket on. Instead, she's just wearing a light purple T-shirt. In addition to her black eye and injured nose, her arms are badly bruised. Mr. Mackey, the guidance counselor, comes through the curtain.]
Mr. Mackey: 	Hi there, Charlie. I'm Mr. Mackey, your guidance counselor, m'kay?
Charlie: 	...Okay.
Mr. Mackey: 	[In a gentle tone] Now, as I understand it, you might be having some troubles at home, m'kay? [He sits down in a chair by the cot.] I just want you to know you can tell me about it, m'kay? [Charlie stares at him.] Let's start with the basics, m'kay. Who is in your family?
Charlie: 	Well, I have a mom, and a little sister. She's four. And a little brother. He's just a baby.
Mr. Mackey: 	Does your dad live with you?
Charlie: 	Not recently.
Mr. Mackey: 	M'kay. Do either of your parents smoke mar-juana?
Charlie: 	[Pause] What?
Mr. Mackey: 	Do either of your parents smoke mar-juana?
Charlie: 	What's "mar-jewana?"
Mr. Mackey: 	Mar-juana's a drug. Drugs are bad, m'kay?
Charlie: 	I don't know.
Mr. Mackey: 	M'kay. Well, do your parents get angry at you very often?
Charlie: 	My mom's really strict. I like my dad a lot though.
Mr. Mackey: 	Do your parents ever hit you? [Charlie hesitates.] Do your parents ever hit you?
Charlie: 	...No.
Mr. Mackey: 	[Taking notes] M'kay. I noticed you're all bruised up, Charlie. How'd you get those bruises?
Charlie: 	Why do I have to tell you?
Mr. Mackey: 	I'm just trying to get the facts, m'kay.
Charlie: 	Yesterday I ran into a refrigerator and today I fell down the stairs into the basement.
Mr. Mackey: 	M'kay. Nurse Gollum called your mom. [Charlie stares.] She says she's too busy to pick you up, m'kay? She also says that you have bad allergies.
Charlie: 	Oh. Yeah.
Mr. Mackey: 	So she says you don't need to go to the hospital, m'kay? She just said to give you an inhaler, m'kay.
Charlie: 	Okay.
Mr. Mackey: 	Have you thrown up blood because of allergies before?
Charlie: 	Oh, yeah. Loads of times.
Mr. Mackey: 	Oh really? Then do you know what… [pulls out an inhaler dramatically]… this is? M'kay?
Charlie: 	An inhaler?
Mr. Mackey: 	[Pause.] …Oh. Yes, it is. Um, I'll be just down the hall if you ever want to talk to me about anything, m'kay?
Charlie: 	Okay. Thanks. [Mr. Mackey leaves, leaving the inhaler on the bed. Charlie picks it up, sprays a little bit of the medicine into the air, and coughs.]
 	[That day after school, the kids are getting onto the bus. Charlie is really pale and looks sick and tired.]
Kyle: 	Why wouldn't your mom pick you up?
Charlie: 	She was just busy. It's okay. I'm fine.
Cartman: 	Well then, I guess you won't mind if I kick you in the nuts! [He kicks Charlie in the crotch.]
Charlie: 	[Grabbing her crotch] Ow! What the hell was that for?
Cartman: 	See? See, I told you guys it was a boy!
Charlie: 	I'm not a boy!
Cartman: 	Then why did it hurt when I kicked you in the nuts?
Charlie: 	Well first of all, I'm not numb down there or anything. It still hurts. Just not as much.
Cartman: 	[Pause.] Really?
Charlie: 	Yes. And second, for the last time: I do not have nuts! [Kenny hiccups a few times.]
Stan: 	Wow, Kenny. You've had the hiccups almost all day. [Kenny shrugs.]
Kyle: 	Isn't it annoying? [Kenny shrugs.]
 	[They all climb on the bus. Cartman and Kenny sit together, Stan and Kyle sit together, and Charlie sits next to Butters.]
Butters: 	Are you contagious?
Charlie: 	No.
Butters: 	Are you sure?
Charlie: 	Pretty sure.
Butters: 	Are you positive?
Charlie: 	No. [Butters shudders a little and turns away.]
Kyle: 	[To Charlie] Fat-ass says we can't go to his house today for some reason. Do you want to come to my house with Stan and me? Or are you too sick?
Charlie: 	[Smiling a bit] Well, I have to be home by four, but sure.
 	[Kyle, Stan, Ike, and Charlie are sitting on the floor in Kyle's room when Sheila knocks on the door and peeks in.]
Sheila: 	Kyle, sweetie, can I talk to you for a minute?
Kyle: 	Mo-om!
Sheila: 	NOW, Kyle! [Kyle leaves the room with his mother. Stan shrugs at Charlie. Ike crawls into her lap.]
Ike: 	Kyle.
Sheila: 	Kyle, I don't think I'm comfortable with you playing with your new friend.
Kyle: 	Why not?
Sheila: 	Well, he's dirty and bruised… Did he get in a fight today?
Kyle: 	No. She came to school like that. And she's a girl, Mom.
Sheila: 	Kyle, how many times have I told you to talk with me before you have a girl come to our house?
Kyle: 	Never. I don't think it's ever come up before.
Sheila: 	Well, if that girl starts a fight or hurts any of you boys, you just come get me, all right, Kyle?
Kyle: 	But--
Sheila: 	Kyle.
Kyle: 	Alright, Mom.
Sheila: 	[She kisses him on the forehead.] That's my good little boy. [Kyle goes back into his room.] Keep the door open with a girl in your room, Kyle!
Kyle: 	Mo-om!
Sheila: 	And watch Ike, alright sweetie?
Kyle: 	Stupid baby. [Charlie is bounces Ike on her knees and he giggles. He's saying "Kyle" with every bounce.] Shut up, Ike!
Charlie: 	Your little brother's so cute, Kyle.
Kyle: 	You just think that 'cause you're a girl. And he's not my real brother. He's adopted.
Charlie: 	I still think he's cute.
Ike: 	[He crawls up to Kyle] Brother.
Kyle: 	Shut up, Ike!
Ike: 	Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: 	Shut up!
Charlie: 	You're mean, Kyle. I love my little siblings.
Kyle: 	I bet yours aren't so goddamn annoying then.
Stan: 	I hate my sister.
Kyle: 	EVERYONE hates your sister, Stan. She's such a b—
Stan: 	Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: 	[To the tune of "Kyle's Mom is a Bitch"] "Stan's sister is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"
Stan: 	Don't use that against me, asshole!
Charlie: 	Jesus, shut up, you guys!
 	[Sheila rushes into the room.] Did I just hear someone say the J word? [They all stare at her.]
Ike: 	Kyle.
Sheila: 	This is a JEWISH household, young lady, and we NEVER say the J word. Kyle, I think it's about time for your new "friend" to go home. [She leaves the room, mumbling.] And in front of Ike too; what a terrible influence.
Charlie: 	...I'm sorry for using the 'J word'.
Stan: 	Don't worry. There's no such thing. Kyle's mom just doesn't like you.
Charlie: 	Oh.
Kyle: 	Sorry about that.
Charlie: 	[Glancing at a clock, she sees that it's 3:56.] Oh no! I'm going to be late! My mom's gonna kill me!
Kyle: 	[Thinking] KILL you?
Charlie: 	I'll see you at school tomorrow, I guess. Bye! [She grabs her backpack and runs from the room.]
Kyle: 	I think something's up.
Stan: 	So?
Kyle: 	So... do you want to play undercover spies?
 	[Kyle and Stan are crouching in some bushes, wearing sunglasses, and carrying fake walkie-talkies. Kyle has binoculars.]
Kyle: 	Chht, Agent Blue, this is Agent Green. Do you read me? Over. Chht.
Stan: 	Chht. Agent Green, this is Agent Blue. Roger that, I read you loud and clear. Over. Chht.
Kyle: 	Chht. Ten-four. The target is in visibility at nine-o'clock. Over. Chht. [Charlie is walking as fast as she can in her condition away from the Broflovski house. She looks nervous. The boys are about a block behind her.] Deploying jet-packs. Over. Chht. [The two follow her across town and across the train tracks.]
Stan: 	Chht. Agent Green, I think it's about my turn to use the binoculars. Over. Chht.