Funky Monkey/Transcript

Freeze!
Take your mask off and turn around.
I said, turn around.
Did you hear me?
Three, two, one.
It's about time you got here.
Let's roll.
Good.
Clemens. Come on down.
Hold my feet steady.
I'm going to deactivate the laser beam.
Red or green?
What are you doing? What are you doing
to my legs, Clemens?
Keep--
Keep still!
Are you crazy?
This is no time for a snack.
Put the banana down
and get back to work.
No!
/Intruder alert.
/Intruder alert.
/Intruder alert.
I hope you' re enjoying this.
All right, boys. You wanna dance?
Is that what you wanna do, wanna
dance? Come on, hook my arms!
Go ahead!
Are you dizzy?
Good. I hope you puke.
/Please remain where you are.
/Training sequence is complete.
/Please remain where you are.
/Training sequence is complete.
Nice work. Good job.
Let's just check
your pulmonary function here.
Hey, guys. Give him some room.
Let him catch his breath.
Hey, hey. What's that?
I'm giving him special medicine.
-What special medicine?
-Just following orders, man.
-Whose orders?
-Mine.
Congratulations, McCall.
You've trained
the chimpanzee beautifully.
Well done.
All right, now. Come with me.
Right this way.
A toast...
...to Project Clemens.
A total success.
I wouldn't celebrate just yet, Flick.
He's not ready.
What do you mean, not ready? I just
witnessed him. He's a fighting machine.
Sure, he has the physical skills...
...but he's too playful, undisciplined.
You saw how he was with the banana.
He disobeyed a direct order,
jeopardizing the entire mission.
Let me worry about that.
I have my methods of dealing
with his self-control.
How? With injections?
Get in there. Go on.
Hey! Don't use that on him.
You're hurting him.
Mr. McCall, perhaps I should remind you
that Clemens belongs to me.
Your job was to train him,
which you have.
Therefore, I believe that your work
is no longer required here at Z.I.T.
Understand?
Don't spend it all in one place.
I'm not leaving till you tell me
what Zit's doing with Clemens.
It is not "Zit. "
It is Z.I.T.
Zoology lnternational Technology.
You got it?
What's gonna happen to Clemens, Flick?
Save the righteous crap, McCall.
Your reputation precedes you.
You are a paycheck guy.
You come, you do your job, you're
out the door. It is why I hired you.
Here's your paycheck.
Right over there is the door.
Take it.
Hiya, Clemens.
Come here for a second.
Hey. You think we could have
a moment alone?
Thanks.
Hey, pal.
Well...
...I guess it's time for me
to be moving on.
So I guess this is goodbye.
Don't go getting all mushy on me.
You gotta be strong, like I taught you.
Hey, listen, I got you something.
For when you get lonely.
There you go, buddy.
Well, well, it's a touching
Hallmark moment between the monkey...
...and the organ grinder.
Somebody get me a Kleenex.
Here come the waterworks.
-What is it, Drummond?
-Mr. Flick asked me...
...to watch you, wants to make sure
you don't take anything.
What is that? Is that contraband?
-Peters, you grab that right now.
-Got it.
-It's a stupid toy. Let him have it.
-Hand over the monkey.
Good monkey. Come on.
-Give it back to him.
-Where's the monkey?
Who's got the monkey?
Stop it.
Haven't we become
the protective mother hen.
Tell me, were you this attached
to recruits you trained at the ClA?
My recruits weren't trained
to be experiments.
Think it's bad here?
Wait till we get him to the lab.
-What lab?
-Science lab.
Mr. Flick will be sending
all these wonder--
-Shut up.
-Right.
Visiting hours are over, McCall.
Why don't you
make like a banana and split.
Yes, Dr. Spleen, the training phase
is complete.
The chimpanzee will arrive
at your laboratory tonight.
Of course you have my permission
to do anything it takes.
Operate, if you must.
Oh, yes, get the chimpanzee
on aggression steroids ASAP.
The board expects to see it in full
operation by the end of the month.
Once they see the prototype
in action...
...we'll be able to work
on the rest of the animals.
Thank you, Dr. Spleen. Goodbye.
Okay, hey. Going on a little trip.
Little trippy. Into the--
Right there. Loop on the head. Come on.
Hold still. Hold still.
Hold-- Drummond!
The monkey won't hold still. It won't
come to the snaggle-y, ropy thing.
-Oh, he won't, huh?
-No.
Well, you gotta give him a jolt with this.
-That'll straighten him out.
-Yeah. Nice.
-Hey. What's that sound?
-What sound?
-Right there. Can you hear it?
-No, I don't hear anything.
No, but it's like a...kind of.
Like a hum.
What is it? I didn't authorize any noises.
I don't know, it's like somebody
cutting the lawn.
Like a leafblower. Or a motor to a--
Headlight. Headlight!
Clemens, I'm busting you out.
-Mind if I borrow your passkey?
-Hey! Hey! Don't let him--
-What are you doing?
-Thanks.
Are you okay? I think I hurt my--
Peters, do something!
Don't just sit there!
Attention, all units. McCall is back
and he's stolen the chimp.
I repeat, we have a chimp on the loose.
Move!
On your left!
Move!
What is going on here?
I want someone to tell me
what is going on!
Clemens!
-Flick's computer!
-What do you think you're doing?
Now, grab it!
Drummond, Peters,
they got my computer!
Coming through!
McCall!
Wait right there, buddy!
Hang on to your mangoes, Clemens.
Clemens has left the building.
I need that chimp, Drummond.
You and Peters have to find it.
And my computer too.
There's enough information
on that laptop...
...it will bring
the whole operation down.
I wouldn't worry, sir. I happen to know
that McCall is computer-illiterate.
Yeah. I happen to know
the monkey is too.
If you two do not find
that monkey immediately...
...you will be lucky to find jobs
as security guards at a mini-mall.
You can't do that.
They already turned us down.
They said something about
a college education.
I grew up on the prairie, and--
Peters. Please!
-What did I tell you about talking?
-Right. I remember now.
My back's killing me.
Those beds suck.
Hey. I'll get us some snacks
for the road, all right?
You go wait on the motorcycle.
Safari Mountain.
Harland. I can't wait to see you.
I hope you like Ho Hos and Twinkies.
What's up?
You're right. We need
a new mode of transportation.
Michael?
Michael. Let's go, I don't wanna be late.
That's okay, Mom.
I'm taking my bike today.
-I'm going to the zoo after school.
-Great. You going with some friends?
No, for my biology report
on primitive animal behavior.
Speaking of hairy things, if anyone
should call to see the guest apartment...
...tell them no pets.
-I forgot to put that in the ad.
-Got it. Bye, Mom.
I love you.
I love you too. You have fun.
See you later.
-Morning, Mr. Johnson.
-Morning, Michael.
Hey. Check it out.
Dweeb, 12 o'clock.
That's a nice bike you got there, Dean.
What's the matter, Dean?
Get out of here, Nathan!
-Don't! No! Move it! Come on, guys!
-Come on, String Dean!
Oh, man!
Shouldn't have left your house
without your training wheels, Dean.
Jerks.
Twenty-one, 22, 23!
Hey, String Dean!
Put some more muscle into it!
What little you got.
Twenty-four, 25, 26, 27....
Forty-nine.
Fifty.
Hi, Michael.
-Hi....
-Christina.
Yeah, Christina. I know your name.
I'm a little out of breath
from all the pushups. Hi, Christina.
I heard you set the curve
on the chem exam.
-Who told you?
-Sister Catherine.
-She announced it over the PA.
-She did?
I'm kidding.
Michael, you gotta lighten up.
Wedgy!
String Dean, dude.
Show the girl some respect.
Your underwear's showing.
Oh, man.
Hey, hey. What's going on?
Nathan? I leave you in charge
for 10 minutes...
...and there's an uproar. Why is that?
Ten laps, let's go. Come on, move it!
Not you. You come with me.
I wanna talk to you.
I said, move it, let's go. Move it!
You all right?
-Yeah.
-Sometimes I think...
...my entire football team
is sharing a brain.
But you, Michael, you....
You're a smart kid.
You're smarter than
most of the faculty. Which is...
...kind of what I wanna talk
to you about.
Sister Catherine has been on my case
about some of my starting players.
She says if they don't
improve their grades....
Well, then they're not gonna
be able to play.
What can I do?
You can tutor them.
You can tutor them after school.
You know, I mean,
you can do it right here on the field.
You want me to come
to football practice?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Who knows, maybe you can
make some friends.
I have friends.
That aren't on the faculty.
Hey, Christina....
All right. I'll do it.
But I get to join the team.
You're serious, right?
All right. Now, listen to me.
Just-- Football plus little guy...
...you know, that equals pain.
So my advice, you just stick with
the books, you just--
You don't need--
Stay away from football.
I'll tell you what.
I'll tutor them, and I won't play.
But I get to show up at practice
in a uniform.
You want a uniform?
A uniform, sure, that's easy.
If it makes you happy, you can--
You get two uniforms.
Great!
Okay, so tomorrow? We got a deal?
And don't tell anybody.
Now, take off. Catch up.
No, we're not there yet.
But, hey, we'll be there pretty soon.
What are you doing?
Sorry!
Fine. Sure. Do whatever you want.
Please, just eat your snacks.
Don't shake it. It will explode.
The contents are under pressure.
That's really very nice, Clemens.
You got it all over my brand-new pants
and your new shirt.
Looks like I peed my pants.
Thank you. That's very nice.
Safari Mountain. It was gonna
be a surprise, Clemens.
I was gonna take you to a place
with lots of chimpanzees.
My old buddy Harland works here.
He's gonna help us out.
But you gotta promise me
to be on your best behavior, okay?
/I estimate about 5 or 6 years old.
Think l' m gonna check
the little fella's reflexes.
What--?
-Strong little guy, huh?
-Sorry.
Right on.
Harland, I appreciate
you letting me hide him here.
No worries, man.
As soon as I figure out what to do next
I'll come back and get him.
Okay. You got it, man.
All right.
All right, Clemens. This here's Harland.
We went to school together.
He'll take care of you...
...till I figure out what to do, and then
I'll come back and get you.
You don't gotta worry
about a thing.
There's plenty of female chimps
and the best bananas.
So it's all good, man.
All right, you be a good little monkey...
...and don't eat too many bananas.
All right, guys.
Get this fella into quarantine,
make sure he doesn't have bugs...
...before you put him
with the other chimps.
-Ten-four, Harland.
-Got it.
Okay, hold on, Clemens, just calm down.
No one's gonna hurt you. Chill out.
Chill out. Guys?
Nice and easy.
Okay, Clemens, I can see
you've got some anger issues.
I get angry too, but now I just....
I just let things
just bounce right off me.
Son of a--
Attention.
/Attention. Attention, zoo guests.
/We have a situation here.
/Apparently, one of our animals
has escaped.
Do not worry. We have the situation
totally, totally under control.
Man, if they knew how crazy
this ape was...
/... we 'd have a riot on our hands.
I left my finger on the mike again,
didn't l?
/Like I said, please remain calm.
There is nothing to fear.
Clemens.
Hi there. How'd you get out?
You want some popcorn?
Come down here.
Here you go.
Are you the one that everybody's
been worrying about?
You don't seem so scary.
Don't move, kid. That is a dangerous,
dangerous primate.
It's okay. I'm not afraid.
Harland. I found him over near
the jungle food court. He has a hostage.
-I'm not a hostage.
-We know what we're doing, kid.
Step away
from the fierce "petroglodyte. "
The chimp!
Okay, Biff. Nice and easy, on three.
One...
...two...
...three!
So that's how we're gonna play, huh?
Let's double-snare him, on three.
One, two, three!
What is go--?
What the--?
Clemens. What did you do?
What did he do? He went nuts
and hit me in mine.
-ls that his name? Clemens?
-Yeah.
Hi, Clemens. I'm Michael Dean.
-ls he yours?
-Yeah...
...but right now he belongs to the zoo.
No, no, no, McCall.
McCall, I can't take this chimp.
I like my job. I'm not gonna keep it...
-...with this monkey around.
-What are you saying?
-You said you'd take care of him.
-New policy says I gotta...
...be smarter than the apes.
Sorry, man.
Well, that's just great.
Where we gonna stay now, Clemens?
Attaboy.
Little help?
How messed up an animal you gotta be
to get kicked out of a zoo?
Hey, mister. Are you serious
about saying you need a place to stay?
Because my mom has
an apartment she rents out.
Sure she wouldn't mind
a chimp as a tenant?
No, she loves animals.
All kinds. The hairier, the better.
Listen, I'm going to meet her
right now at the Promenade.
Why don't you follow me?
Michael, right? I'm Alec McCall.
-All right.
-I'll go get my bike.
Okay.
You like that kid, don't you?
Then don't blow this.
We need a place to lie low.
No more monkeying around
like you did at the zoo, okay?
Attaboy.
You know...
...it might be good
if you just met my mom.
I mean, let's see if she likes you first.
All right.
Clemens, you stay here.
I'll be right back.
No, Clemens. Stay.
Stay.
That's pretty good.
I'll run ahead and tell my mom
you're coming.
Her name's Megan.
She's a computer programmer.
Megan. Computers. Got it.
How do I look?
How's my breath? Is it okay?
It's that bad, huh? You got any candy?
Cool.
Thanks.
You stay here. I'll be right back.
Don't talk to any strangers.
Mr. McCall, over here. Come on.
Hi. Mr. McCall, this is my mom.
-Hello. I'm Megan Dean.
-Hi.
-Hiya.
-Please, have a seat.
Oh, thanks.
-So are you new to the area, Mr. McCall?
-Alec. I grew up here.
I moved after high school.
And I kind of wandered back.
T oday, actually.
Wandered back from where?
Bay Area. Michael tells me
you work with computers.
Yeah, I'm a programmer.
Hey, he took my purse!
He's trying to rent our apartment.
And he doesn't have any pets.
That's right. I don't have any--
What are you doing?
Somebody stop them!
I'll take care of this.
-Ten bucks to rent your skateboard.
-For 20, it's yours.
I'll take it.
Hey, man. Where's my board?
-I'll be right back!
-Cool!
Well, so much for a low profile, huh?
You were awesome on that board.
Hey, you don't think your mom
saw Clemens, did she?
No, she was busy watching you.
I think you impressed her with
that Tony Hawk stunt.
-What?
-You got the apartment.
All right.
Give him five, Clemens. All right.
Let's get rid of this bag. I don't think
it's really your color.
/The two would-be bandits...
/... were caught in the act
by a Good Samaritan...
/... whose identity remains unknown.
/This footage was captured
by an amateur photographer.
Do you recognize the Good Samaritan?
-McCall.
-Y eah.
I mean, hey, we can say
we knew him when, huh? TV star.
When and where
was this footage taken?
Yesterday, at a mall in San Diego.
San Diego. That's perfect.
That's where Dr. Spleen's lab is,
so all we have to do...
...is tell McCall to drop the chimp off
at the lab, and then--
He's not on our side anymore.
I want you to go down there, find him...
...and get me that chimp.
Take whatever measures are necessary.
Don't worry, sir.
-We're all business.
-Yeah.
While we're there, you want us
to grab you a souvenir?
Maybe a Shamu ashtray,
a snow globe, you turn it over--
-That's it.
-You should run.
Yeah.
Let's try this.
It's encrypted.
Hey. Let's ask Mikey.
Kids know everything about computers.
Listen, Clemens, I don't like lying
and hiding you from Megan...
...but until I figure out what Flick has
in store for you, I don't have any choice.
So I think we should set up
some ground rules, huh?
First of all, you gotta lay low.
You gotta be cool.
No banana peels in the bed.
And if you shed, you gotta vacuum it up.
And no matter what,
you do not leave this room.
You stay here
and you do not leave this room.
Good. I'll be back in an hour.
Okay, guys, let's go over this
one more time. It's simple.
It's length times width, see?
So if we know how long a football
field is and how wide it is...
-...we can determine...?
-What?
-A guess?
-Yeah, squirt...
...how many yards I need to be all-state.
/Go, Friars.
All right. That's good for now.
-Okay, Willy, lower your shoulder.
-All right, over here.
-Where do you think you' re going?
-Bang into those things.
You know, we really gotta work
on your communication skills.
Come on. When I say "Stay in the
house," that means stay in the house.
-Hey, slugger, you all right?
-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
You sure? I don't want you damaging
those tutoring brain cells.
Hey, look, there's Michael.
Hey, the one on the right,
isn't that Alec McCall?
Yeah. You know him?
He's one of the best running backs
to come out of Southern California.
-Hope we're not interrupting.
-No.
Thought we'd check out practice.
J.T. "Whooping" Crane, right?
-"Whooping"?
-Good to see you.
It's an old nickname.
-This is my friend Clemens.
-Hello.
What's with you guys?
You've never been to a zoo?
Teams Whooping Crane coached
were tough.
Nobody calls me Whooping Crane
anymore.
I bet when the team finds out,
they will.
-Take off.
-I'll go run those plays we worked up.
-How's the team?
-I don't beat St. Dominic's this year...
...I can hear myself saying,
"You want fries with that order? "
You ever been timed in the 40?
-How about I run a long way and you....
-I throw it to you?
-Yeah.
-Oh, sure, whatever.
Hey, isn't that Michael Dean?
What's he doing playing football?
Maybe he's the new mascot.
As soon as that little pissant Dean
gets near the ball, gang-tackle him.
-How hard?
-Hard enough to send the little freak...
...back to chess club. All right?
Down, set. Hut, hut.
What a loser.
Oh, Michael.
-I don't get girls.
-Yeah? Well, wait till you get older.
I thought she'd like me better
if I was on the team.
But I guess wearing a uniform isn't good
enough. I have to be a good player too.
Let me ask you something, Miguel.
Why do you like Christina?
Why? I don't know.
Because she's smart and pretty.
And she laughs at my jokes.
She's not like the other girls.
-She notices people.
-Did you ever think that...
...maybe she likes you
for the same reason?
What are you saying?
Well, just be yourself. You're a great kid.
I don't know how, though.
I'm afraid to talk to her.
Well, show initiative. Women like it
when men show initiative.
Right, Clemens? Clemens.
We're having a heart-to-heart.
Show courtesy.
Clemens, please, turn it down.
-He really listens to you.
-We understand each other.
Clemens and me, we're like
Siamese chimps. Get it?
You mean to tell me Christina
actually laughs at your jokes?
Drummond. We've had a break
on the whereabouts of McCall.
A check drawn from McCall's
account cleared this morning.
-Oh, really?
-Y es, it was written to a Megan Dean.
That's great, sir. Y eah, that's great.
I'll just grab a pen and write that down.
What is all that noise?
-Are you two slacking off?
-Of course not, sir.
We're following a lead
at the railroad tracks.
Would you please get a pen and make
sure you write down this address.
-Okay, yeah--
/-619 Woodstock Street. San Diego.
I' m writing it down now, sir.
-ls this awesome or what?
-Shut up!
-Did you tell me to shut up?
-I was talking to Peters.
Good. Now, did you write it down?
I got it, sir. I got it.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go. It's very
dangerous here. Yeah, I got it. Bye.
-ls it gonna come off?
-ldiots.
Do it again!
Down. Set. Hike.
Catch.
Good throw.
Go long.
Yeah, up the tree. Ready?
Yeah, go longer.
I thought she'd like me better
if I was on the team.
But I guess wearing a uniform isn't good
enough. I have to be a good player too.
Let me ask you something, Miguel.
Why do you like Christina?
Why? I don't know.
Because she's smart and pretty.
And she laughs at my jokes.
She's not like the other girls.
-She notices people.
-Did you ever think that...
...maybe she likes you
for the same reason?
What are you saying?
Well, just be yourself. You're a great kid.
I don't know how, though.
I'm afraid to talk to her.
Well, show initiative. Women like it
when men show initiative.
Right, Clemens? Clemens.
We're having a heart-to-heart.
Show courtesy.
Clemens, please, turn it down.
-He really listens to you.
-We understand each other.
Clemens and me, we're like
Siamese chimps. Get it?
You mean to tell me Christina
actually laughs at your jokes?
Drummond. We've had a break
on the whereabouts of McCall.
A check drawn from McCall's
account cleared this morning.
-Oh, really?
-Y es, it was written to a Megan Dean.
That's great, sir. Y eah, that's great.
I'll just grab a pen and write that down.
What is all that noise?
-Are you two slacking off?
-Of course not, sir.
We're following a lead
at the railroad tracks.
Would you please get a pen and make
sure you write down this address.
-Okay, yeah--
/-619 Woodstock Street. San Diego.
I' m writing it down now, sir.
-ls this awesome or what?
-Shut up!
-Did you tell me to shut up?
-I was talking to Peters.
Good. Now, did you write it down?
I got it, sir. I got it.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go. It's very
dangerous here. Yeah, I got it. Bye.
-ls it gonna come off?
-ldiots.
Do it again!
Down. Set. Hike.
Catch.
Good throw.
Go long.
Yeah, up the tree. Ready?
Yeah, go longer.
Yeah. That's right, you the chimp.
Dang, St. Francis could use you
as a wide receiver.
Clemens, it's her.
Hey, ladies.
-That's the chimp from football.
-Yeah, this is Clemens.
Clemens, this is Christina,
Laura and Katie.
Hey.
-Hey.
-We'll pass on the chimp cooties.
Wow, a chimp. Is he yours?
-A friend's. I'm chimp-sitting for him.
-Hey, Chris, let's go.
-I'll catch up.
-Okay.
Wow, a chimp. That must be really cool.
My mom won't let me have a pet...
...till we find my hamster.
He got loose when I was 6.
-Are you going to the Halloween party?
-I don't know. I've got a test next week.
With football and everything,
I haven't had much time to study.
-Come on, the party will be fun.
-Look.
Maybe if you're not going
with anybody to the party...
...we can maybe hang out together.
Maybe.
-Well, that all depends.
-On what?
On if you bring Clemens
as our chaperone.
You've got it.
-So how do you like playing football?
-Oh, it's-- It's cool.
Is the coach gonna let you play
in the big game?
Well....
-He is?
-Yeah. I guess I am.
Michael, that's great. I guess I'll be
on the sidelines cheering you on.
-Great.
-Christina.
I guess I better go. See you
Saturday night. And you too, Clemens.
How cute.
Bye, Michael.
I can't believe you
made me tell her I'd play.
How could you make me do that?
Now I have to--
I have a date with Christina. I did it.
I asked her and she said yes.
McCall was right. Come on.
I can't believe you kissed her.
Are her lips soft?
I'll bet they're soft.
All right!
I got a date with Christina!
Heads up!
Oh, man.
-What the--?
-I think we're in trouble.
Oh, boy, here they come.
-Okay, let's get him.
-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
You're in serious trouble, little man.
It was an accident.
I'll pay for the damage.
-You're gonna pay, all right.
-Pick on someone your own size.
Is this kid yours?
He's a friend. And he said he was sorry.
Yeah, well, sorry just isn't good enough.
Then I guess we have a problem.
You want a piece of me?
Buddy, I stepped in a piece of you.
Michael, Clemens, take off.
Get him.
-Hurry.
-Come back here.
It's butter pecan.
Hurry up, Clemens.
Leave us alone!
-Michael.
-lt was an accident.
Fellas. Kids, why don't
you go play on the swings.
Aren't you in the Village People?
Get that punk little kid and the chimp.
Hey, there they are.
Follow me.
-Leave him alone, you big jerks.
-Little monkey in the middle, huh?
Hey, you help me--
-All right, Clemens.
-Why, you little--
Come on. Let's get the monkey.
Let's kick some monkey butt.
Get me off!
Go, Clemens.
Nice work, dude. You learned good.
You're a good student.
That was awesome, man.
You guys are like a Jackie Chan movie.
Jackie Chan? We're way better
than Jackie Chan.
Hey, wait. You gotta get us down.
We're sorry.
So when Flick's company hired me
to teach martial arts to Clemens...
...I figured it would be for some
positive line of defense.
-Secret Service or Homeland Security.
-Like a monkey secret agent?
Well, yeah. But then it got
kind of complicated.
-They wanted to do experiments on him.
-What kind of experiments?
I don't know. That's why
I couldn't leave him there.
So now we're on the lam.
So you threw your whole reputation
away just to save Clemens?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did.
Listen. I know Flick has got some
ulterior motive for Clemens...
...and I bet it's illegal.
All his files are encrypted...
...so once I hack into that laptop,
I'll get all the proof I need.
Then what will you do?
Release Clemens into the wild
and move on, I guess.
-You mean leave San Diego?
-Sure. Nothing to hold me here.
Right.
What do you say? Think you
can help us with the computer?
No. But I know someone who can.
You weren't talking about kids
in bedsheets...
...when you said "haunted house. "
I wish it were that simple.
Guys, can you put the pumpkins...
-...across the wall?
-I'm no expert...
...but I think that someone's been
trying to tamper with my computer.
-Tampering? How?
-Well...
...I think that someone's been trying
to hack into my computer to hide...
-...some information--
-This goes right up by the entrance.
In order to hide some information that
they don't want me to know about.
Why would somebody wanna hide
information on your computer...
-...they don't want you to know about?
-Baffling, isn't it?
It is to me. Listen, I'm happy
to take a look at it.
-Leave it at the house, I'll check it out.
-Okay, great.
-I need to get back.
-Okay. Thanks.
So, what do you think I should do?
If I don't play in the big game...
...then Christina's gonna think I'm a liar.
-You think Whooping Crane will let you?
-Not the way I play.
I wish I could play half
as good as Clemens.
Hey. Tomorrow morning
we'll have a private practice.
Clemens and I will teach you
some moves.
-You mean it?
-Yeah.
Every day between now
and the big game.
Thanks, McCall. You're the best.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Noogies.
Come on.
Kung pao monkey.
This top-secret stuff demanded access
codes, but I managed to bypass that.
Say, have you met a chimp
named Clemens?
Clemens?
Clemens. Y eah. A chimp
named Clemens. It rings a bell.
-Why, what is it saying?
-It's just a progress report about his....
His health, his appearance,
his physical attributes.
There's been quite a few major
transactions with this Zit company...
...and a medical research lab
in San Ysidro.
San Ysidro.
-That's not too far from here, is it?
-The U.S.-Mexican border.
What are you up to, Flick?
Hey! What are you doing there?
Hut one. Hut two. Hike. Hike.
That's it. That's it.
Yeah!
Yeah!
-This is it.
-Yeah, yeah. Come on.
Nice. Let's get it going.
Yeah.
Sometimes the humidity
affects the tumblers....
-Write a note.
-Okay.
Note.
McCall, you can't escape us.
We want the chimp.
Sincerely, Peters.
-"Sincerely"?
-Don't wanna be rude.
The door.
Okay.
Probably, like, a low draft or.... Wind.
Use your wrist.
-Come on.
-What do you want me to do?
Give it one big shove. Use your elbows.
There you go.
No, sir. We haven't gotten the chimp.
But don't worry, Mr. Flick.
The chimp will be at a Halloween party
tonight, according to a nosy neighbor.
/-We're gonna grab him there.
-Forget it. You've had your chance.
I've called in some professionals now.
The Chow Brothers.
They' re perfect for a delicate
situation like this.
The Chow Brothers?
But, sir, Peters and I hate the Chows.
-We can handle this.
/-Obviously you can 't.
So why don't you step down and
let the Chows clean up your mess.
Stupid Ch-- What are you doing?
I was pretty thirsty, huh?
Brain freeze.
That's enough, Chows.
-Have you learned your lesson?
-Y es.
Good. Don't ever park
in my space again.
Now, Clemens, remember, act like
a kid dressed like a chimp, okay?
You can take the mask off when
we get inside. Good boy.
Hey.
We need to watch the Chow Brothers
or they'll mess up everything.
-These guys are, like, total buffoons.
-Oh, yeah.
-Good evening.
-Chow Brothers, right?
-Why the outfits?
-Easier to enter a chicken coop...
-...disguised as a rooster than a fox.
-What?
Easier to enter a chicken coop
disguised as a rooster than a fox.
-What did he say?
-No idea.
-Hi, girls.
-Hi, Mrs. Dean.
-Happy Halloween.
-Thank you. You both look really cute.
Thanks. So do you.
Have you seen Michael?
-Not yet, but I'm sure he's around.
-All right.
-Have fun.
-Bye.
Hi. One each. Yeah.
All right, all right.
Move it. Move it.
Hey, hey, hey.
One adult, one child.
Just let it go, you guys.
Oh, my God!
-Oh, man, we got you guys so good.
-Nathan.
-God.
-You should have seen your faces.
Jerks!
Oh, come on, Christina.
Can't you stand a little scare?
-Nice.
-Hey, guys.
Hey, Dean. That's a nice costume there.
Better get some use out of it
since you won't wear it on the field.
Do you know where Christina is?
-Why do you want Christina?
-She's meeting me here. We have a date.
Yeah, right. Does String Dean
have the hots for Christina?
You know what, Dean?
We did see her a few minutes ago.
But she went down that way.
Right, guys?
-Oh, yeah. Right over there.
-Oh, thanks, guys. Come on, Clemens.
Christina.
Sucker.
Christina? This place is
kind of scary, Clemens.
Cool.
Help, Clemens! No!
What do you want?
-Clemens, help!
-Like a banana?
Let me go. Let me out of here.
Clemens!
Let go.
Thanks. Let's get out of here.
I think we lost them.
Clemens, help. Pull harder! Let me go.
Check it out, the Chows.
Hey, wanna help them out?
No. If the Chows fail,
we get to keep our jobs.
Hey, that's Michael.
Cool, man. I didn't know
Dean knew kung fu.
So what? Anyone can do that.
Clemens, help! Let go of me!
Get him off me, hurry!
You outdid yourself this year, Megan.
Come on, this way. Hurry.
Trick or treat.
Oh, that was a beautiful--
Oh, that's an unhappy clown.
Chow sandwich. Who's hungry?
Hi.
I can't believe it. The three of you
should be ashamed of yourselves.
I'm sure this is one Halloween
show they'll never forget.
Right. Everyone loved it,
so there's no need to be upset.
Really, Michael? I can think
of three good reasons.
First, you could have been killed.
Second, there's a gorilla
living in my guesthouse.
Chimpanzee, actually.
Gorillas are hairier and bigger.
Never mind.
And third, the other parents will expect
me to top this show next year.
-But, Mom, l--
-And you. You.
-Oh, yeah. This is all your fault.
-No, Mom--
You're right. It was me, Megan.
And I'm sorry.
It was stupid and careless of me.
We should go.
No. Don't go.
Mom, it was all my fault.
-No, it wasn't. I twisted his arm.
-No, you didn't. I told her--
-Yes, I did.
-I told you--
Okay, okay. Okay.
No one's going anywhere.
You know, I don't appreciate being
lied to, but under the circumstances...
...I guess I understand.
You have just climbed immeasurably
on my coolness chart.
On Clemens' too.
I taught him that.
He's a natural flirt, you know.
I cracked into your computer last night,
and this chimp is in some real danger.
You should take a look at this.
So it's on the hard drive,
and I burned you a CD as well.
/Are you safe? Do you feel protected,
secure, on your own country's soil?
/If not, meet the new perfect soldier
for the new millennium.
/Through intense training
and miracle of genetic science...
/... we have created these new
super-simian soldiers.
/Noah had these animals marching
two by two.
/We 'll have these animals marching
to war.
/So you place your order now for Flick 's
new simian soldiers. Before it's too late.
I can't believe I worked for that nut.
-Hey.
-Watch it.
-Y eah, l' m finished.
-Hello.
-Kind of sexy, huh?
-I hope l' m not disturbing you.
Mr. Flick. How do you like the mermaid?
We're running out of time.
Where's the chimp, you imbeciles?
I wouldn't worry. We have
something planned for tonight.
Oh, really? Let me guess.
Is it a all-you-can-eat...
-...buffalo-wing night at Hooters?
-No, but, wow, that would be great.
Hey, stay. Sir. It's the homecoming
game, everyone's gonna be there.
McCall, Michael, the monkey.
You want me to get them
in a stadium full of people.
-Pretty clever.
-Well....
-Thank you, sir.
-I prefer something a little smarter...
...Iike getting them now!
I will bail the Chows out of jail.
-I will get the chimp myself.
-The chimp's beaten the Chows before.
-He's pretty tough.
-I'll handle the chimp.
Make yourself useful
and get back to the laboratory now.
-Preferably dressed.
-Yes, sir.
Gotcha!
The computer is not here.
McCall must have the files with him.
Get the monkey back to the lab.
The spray only lasts two hours.
Clemens, I'm home.
What did you do to him?
A little insurance.
Clemens?
Michael....
Here comes the doctor now.
Welcome. Welcome to my laboratory,
gentlemen. I'm Dr. Spleen.
I didn't get the invitation saying
"black suit only. " I'm so embarrassed.
Anyway, it's nice. It's very slimming.
I guess we're gonna start off
with breast implants...
...then a complete body-waxing,
because it is bikini season.
Doctor, please!
Do the procedure now.
-Okay, Daddy Warbucks.
-Triple the dose of the stimulant.
When you're in there, erase any memory
that monkey may have...
...of McCall or the child.
No!
Leave him alone! Don't hurt him!
Take this child out of here and lock
him up with the rest of them. Now.
-He kicked me!
-Let go of me! Stop! Clemens!
Wish I had a weapon.
First down.
-Clemens.
-McCall!
Michael?
-Michael. Are you all right?
-Yeah.
They've got Clemens inside.
They're about to operate on him.
We gotta save him.
-The light switch is behind you.
-Right.
Thanks.
-Come on. Let's go get Clemens.
-Wait, wait. We need a plan.
We can't just rush in.
How many guys do they have?
Five or six, maybe more.
We don't need a plan, we need an army.
I think we have one.
All right. We're gonna start
the operation on the chimp.
Do you like being called "chimp" or
"primate"? I don't wanna be offensive.
-What is that?
-Chows! Don't stand there like idiots...
...do something now. Now.
Chows....
Monkeys, attack!
McCall! Finish him off now.
You break it, you bought it!
Yes!
Hey, pal, how are you?
-Let's get you out of here.
-Stop that monkey boy!
Exactly what did you do
to piss this guy off?
-McCall, I got Clemens. Let's go!
-Yeah, let's--
Yeah, let's get out of here.
Get your stinking paws off me...
...you damn dirty ape!
/Block that kick! Block that kick!
/At the start of the third quarter,
St. Dom 's has taken a 14-0 lead.
St. Francis is gonna need a miracle
to catch up.
Come on, guys, it's only the second half.
We' re not coming, kid.
What are you talking about?
We gotta keep moving.
It's only a matter of time
before Flick shows up again.
And you'll beat him again.
Look, kid...
...I don't think you know who I am.
I mean, I don't stay in one place.
I don't settle down. I--
I don't get attached.
I guess I'm not the guy you think I am.
But you guys can't just leave.
Where are you going to go?
Another city? And then another one?
No friends and no family?
That's no kind of life.
You and Clemens could stay here.
With me.
I'm sorry, kid.
Don't feel sorry for me.
Feel sorry for yourself, McCall.
What are you looking at?
Where are you going?
Clemens! Get back in the truck!
Clemens, you're back.
Great. Come on. We can use you.
/Let's go, Friars, let's go.
/Let's go, Friars, let's go.
/St. Francis has their work cut out
for them.
/They start this drive
in their own territory.
-Excuse me.
-Hey.
-What happened? I was getting worried.
-You wouldn't believe it if I told you.
-Where's Michael?
-He should be here.... There.
There he is.
/That's gotta hurt. St. Francis loses
-Put me in for him, coach.
-Go sit down. Go sit down, Michael.
Thank you.
Clemens, coach is never gonna
let me play.
I better go tell Christina the truth.
-Christina?
-Michael.
Hey, where were you
during the first half?
Listen, Christina, there's something
I have to tell you.
I'm not really on the football team.
I'm their tutor.
I only did it for the uniform
because I thought you'd like me better.
Are you mad?
No, I'm not mad.
-You did all that just to impress me?
-Yeah.
Cool.
Okay, guys, we're gonna
try something a little different.
Nathan, get your head back
in the game, man.
You lost that girl to the geek
fair and square.
/St. Francis calls a timeout.
I detest festivities.
I don't see the chimp.
You find the kid...
...we'll find the chimp.
-Let Dean play, coach.
-Get away from me.
We've been working on this
new play, and it'll work.
Trust me, he's good.
It's gonna work.
What the hell do I got to lose?
Michael, let's go.
-Clemens, I'm in.
-Let's go!
-You stay.
-Come on!
-I won't let you down, coach.
-Let's go.
/And now, playing for St. Francis,
that's number 32, Michael Dean.
Hey.
There he is.
-Get him.
-How do we get close...
-...in front of all these people?
-Follow me, gentlemen.
I have an idea.
Okay, this is gonna be a 48 toss.
-This means to you, Michael. So on two.
-Really?
-All right, ready. Break!
-Break!
This is ridiculous. I mean, this is....
It's ridiculous.
Red 17, red 17! Hut, hut!
Come on, Michael.
/What a play! St. Francis makes
a first down.
Playing with the big boys now,
String Dean.
-You okay, Dean?
-Yeah.
Good. So we' re gonna try the same play.
Okay?
-Okay.
-Good.
/Looks like we got some
substitutions for St. Dominic 's.
-Who are those guys?
/-Who are those guys?
-Who are those guys?
-Hut!
Attack.
/Another nice gain by Michael Dean.
Come here. I wanna have
a little word with you.
-Let me go!
-Listen to me. You give me my monkey.
-Now!
-Clemens! Help!
Holy smokes!
There's a monkey on the field.
There's a monkey on the field.
Get off the field!
Get it! It's mine!
-Ref, who are these guys?
-Yeah?
Foreign exchange students, I think.
Get him! Yeah! Hit him, hit him!
That can't be legal, there. I don't think.
Break it up. Break it up. Come on.
Now, playing for St. Francis...
...Clemens.
Clemens, run!
Yeah!
Touchdown!
Yeah! Attaboy, Clemens!
Who's the man?
Oh, a heck of a run.
Clemens scores for St. Francis.
-ls that legal?
-I don't know.
I don't know if anybody
ever thought...
...to write a rule against chimps
playing football.
-Got it.
/-Oh, St. Dom 's intercepts.
Clemens, stop him!
I got the ball. I got the ball.
/What a stop by Clemens.
/Unbelievable pick by Clemens.
That's a touchdown!
/St. Francis ties the game, 14- 14.
I taught him that.
Right on, Clemens!
Clemens kicks a field goal for three
points. What a leg on that little simian.
I' m open! I' m open!
I'm open!
Yeah. Yeah.
/St. Dom 's scores another touchdown.
Shut up!
You don't know me.
You don't know me.
-Sir, what about the chimp?
-Who cares. We're winning the game.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
These guys look too old
to be in high school.
Do me a favor.
Take this to the sound booth.
Get them to play it on the big screen
at the end of the game.
-Where are you going?
-T o even the odds.
/Less than a minute left on the clock,
St. Dom 's is going for a field goal.
/St. Francis doesn 't have much hope
of winning this one, folks.
Did you see that?
Clemens!
Michael, Michael....
Go, Michael!
Go, Michael!
Stop that monkey boy!
T ackle him!
/He has the ball. Look at this kid run.
/He 's unstoppable. He 's at the 30.
He 's still on his feet.
/He 's at the 20. Ladies and gentlemen,
he 's at the 10. He could go all the way!
/Yes! Touchdown!
/Touchdown! St. Francis wins!
T ouchdown!
Oh, thank you. St. Francis wins.
You did it, Michael! You did it.
Attaboy, Michael!
You lost the chimp...
...now you lost the game!
I don't wanna hear it.
Talk to the imbecile.
-What's with that call?
-Out of bounds!
-Are you watching the same game?
-I was watching!
/--marching two by two.
/We'll have these animals marching
to war.
/Simian soldiers are easily replaced
if damaged or injured.
/And if caught, they will not squeal,
even under the most severe torture.
That's so mean.
/That's because...
/... they can 't talk.
Freaking awesome.
/And the best part is they do all of this
dangerous work for mere...
/...produce.
Hey, look, everyone!
It's the bald guy in the video!
It's not me.
It doesn't even resemble me.
-He's the mastermind.
-" Mastermind"? I don't even look evil.
He's lying. His ears wiggle when he lies.
You're lying!
I said not to bring in the Chows.
We did it, Clemens.
-Here come the cops. Act like a kid.
-Ears, they're wiggling!
Guys, guys, cool it.
These are the culprits.
You'll find a laboratory
of stolen animals at that address.
-Hands behind your back.
-I hope you enjoy your new cage, Flick.
Monkey messiah!
-Animal lover!
-Sure showed them, huh?
-Peters.
-Yeah, right.
Hey, guys, wait up!
Shotgun!
I knew you'd stay.
Who said anything about staying?
I didn't.
Michael, you were awesome.
He was awesome, wasn't he?
He sure was.
So where are you going to next?
I think I have to stick around for a while.
See, I got this beautiful landlord
who's got me locked into a lease.
Sounds rough.
This isn't fair.
What the heck, man? I'm the star
quarterback and Dean gets kissed?
What?
Category:Transcripts
Category:Warner Bros. Transcripts