Soleval

== BEGIN PROFILE: ==
SUBJECT: SOLEVIAL is not to be touched by living or unliving animal tissue. It must not be handled by any machine containing an AI, or any tools that are not of at least 93% silver or made from the wood of a bristlecone pine.
Subject is not to be stored at any temperature above fifty three degrees Farenheight or below fourty one degrees farenheight. Subject is not to be exposed to any light source aside from unadulterated moonlight (WITH NO SECONDARY SOURCES) or [REDACTED] brand flourescent lights, but ONLY those made before 2013 or those made in replica of that previous design specifically for the organization.
Subject must not be placed on any substance other than a sheet of transparent alluminum at all times. Subject must not be let within fourty feet of any keys, knives, plumbing fixtures, microprocessor-using devices, ice or other Subjects.
Subject may not be transported at a speed below four or above eight miles per hour. Subject is not to be handled without Standard Anti-Psi Gear and Standard Anti-Sonic Procedures. Subject must be not be allowed to alter in angle beyond two point five degrees at any time.
The following words must never be spoken in subject's prescence:
* Fruit
* Bible
* Meat
* Horse
* Abraxas
* Any word considered a "swear," including and especially "hully gee"
* May (Relating to the month)
* Sun
* Summer
* Druid
* Big Red
Subject's recorded functions, abilities and  include [REDACTED]
== Author Commentary ==
I made this on a whim and just thought it'd be funny to do an artifact where you only know what you're not supposed to do with it.
As with all the G.U.F.F. stuff, this enigmatic bottle is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY 4.0 license so long as I; Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as their creator!
And, if you wanna support me, maybe check out my Patreon, or even just send a Ko-Fi my way! Every penny is appreciated, and I am eternally grateful for those who donate!
Or, if you wanna commission me for a pic like this, my commission info is thisaway!
Category:G.U.F.F. Entries