Easy A/Transcript

EASY "A"
 
 Written by
 
 Bert V. Royal
 
 
 
 
 FIRST DRAFT
 August 3, 2008
 
 
 IN DARKNESS:
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 The rumors of my promiscuity have
 been greatly exaggerated.
 
 FADE IN:
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 OLIVE PENDERGHAST (17), a cute teenager, speaks directly into
 the WEBCAM atop her computer.
 
 OLIVE
 Let the record show that I, Olive
 Penderghast, being of sound mind,
 ample breast size and the
 occasional corny knock knock joke,
 do enter this video blog into
 evidence in the case against me.
 Because I'm being judged by a jury
 of my peers, I will attempt to
 insert `like' and `totally' into my
 confession as much as possible. So
 here it goes... I confess I'm, in
 no small part, to blame for the
 vociferous gossip that has turned
 my Varsity letter scarlet, but -
 for anyone hoping that the sizzling
 details of my sordid past will
 provide you with a reason to lock
 the door and make love to a dollop
 of your sister's moisturizing
 lotion - you'll be gravely
 disappointed.
 (Beat.)
 Look, I just need to set the record
 straight and what better way to do
 that, than to broadcast it on the
 Internet. So, here it is -- Part
 One: The Shudder-Inducing and
 Cliched, However Totally False
 Acco*** Of How I Lost My Virginity
 To A Guy At A Community College In
 A Neighboring Town.
 (Beat.)
 Let me just begin by saying that
 there are two sides to every story.
 This is my side, the right one.
 (Beat.)
 Like, totally.
 2.
 
 
 INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
 
 Olive sits with her best friend, RHIANNON ABERNATHY (17), a
 brash teenager. It would be safe to say that these girls are
 definitely on the "B List" at their school.
 
 RHIANNON
 Fuck off! George is not a `sexy'
 name. George is like what you name
 your teddy bear, not the name you
 wanna scream out during an orgasm.
 
 OLIVE
 That's bullshit. There are lots of
 sexy Georges.
 
 RHIANNON
 Name three.
 
 Olive starts to say something, but Rhiannon interrupts her.
 
 RHIANNON (CONT'D)
 Besides Clooney. Too easy.
 
 OLIVE
 Shouldn't that alone be enough?
 
 RHIANNON
 Fine. That's one. Number two?
 
 OLIVE
 (THINKING)
 Okay. George... Ummmm... Reeves!
 
 RHIANNON
 Who's that?
 
 OLIVE
 Superman. From way back. He was
 hot.
 
 RHIANNON
 No way. Teddy bear.
 
 OLIVE
 Bullshit. Ben Affleck played him
 in that movie!
 
 RHIANNON
 So what? Charlize Theron played
 that butt-fucking-ugly lesbo serial
 killer. Besides he's from another
 century.
 (MORE)
 3.
 
 RHIANNON (CONT'D)
 We're speaking present day. I
 mean, Jesus, Mortimer was probably
 a sexy name in some era.
 
 OLIVE
 George Stephanopolous.
 
 RHIANNON
 What are you? Fifty?
 
 OLIVE
 (THINKING HARD)
 George...
 
 RHIANNON
 Bush? Yeah. He's one hot
 mutherfucker. Just face it.
 There's no such thing as a sexy
 George.
 
 OLIVE
 Well, mine is. So, I think we
 should just put this conversation
 to bed.
 
 RHIANNON
 Fine. Don't come. I hate you.
 
 Rhiannon folds her arms and pouts.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Olive continues to narrate into her webcam.
 
 OLIVE
 Let me back up. I don't know if
 any of you have ever met them, but
 Rhiannon's parents are quite
 possibly the creepiest people in a
 four co***y radius.
 
 
 INT. THE ABERNATHY LIVING ROOM
 
 MR. and MRS. ABERNATHY (50's) sit on their couch, smiling at
 the television, in their horrifically rustic home.
 
 MR. ABERNATHY bares a striking resemblance to ukelele player,
 Tiny Tim. (Although the man we're looking at has an even
 more frightening smile.)
 
 MRS. ABERNATHY has hair to her ankles and dresses like a
 Mormon.
 4.
 
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 I've always felt sort of sorry for
 Rhiannon, but not enough to do what
 she was asking me to do.
 
 We float upwards to -
 
 
 INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 Rhiannon is on the phone, agitated.
 
 RHIANNON
 (Into the phone)
 PLEASE. Please. I'm begging you.
 I'll pay you.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 Olive is on the other end of the phone conversation.
 
 We INTERCUT between the two sides.
 
 OLIVE
 Rhi, I can't. I told you I have
 plans.
 
 RHIANNON
 You're lying. You're a lying bitch
 and I hate you so much right now.
 
 OLIVE
 (LYING)
 I'm not lying. I promise I'm not.
 I really would love to go camping
 with your family this weekend. I
 had fun with your family last year.
 
 
 EXT. WOODS - LAST YEAR - NIGHT
 
 Olive, uncomfortable, and Rhiannon, bored, sit around a
 campfire with the Abernathys.
 
 The couple stare at the fire with the same creepy smile
 plastered on their faces.
 
 There is an excruciatingly long and painful silence.
 
 MR. ABERNATHY
 Would you like a marshmallow, Olive
 Oil?
 5.
 
 
 Mrs. Abernathy squeaks out a meek titter that is annoyingly
 high-pitched.
 
 MRS. ABERNATHY
 Olive oil. That's funny. Very,
 very funny.
 
 OLIVE
 (POLITELY)
 No thank you, Mr. Abernathy.
 
 MR. ABERNATHY
 You can call me Mortimer, Olive
 Branch.
 
 Mrs. Abernathy titters again. Rhiannon rolls her eyes.
 
 There is another awkwardly long silence, while the Abernathys
 grin away at their fire.
 
 
 INT. RHIANNON'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Rhiannon is getting increasingly angrier at her friend.
 
 RHIANNON
 (Into the phone)
 Why don't you just say it? You
 don't like my parents. You think
 they're hopelessly pathetic and
 devoid of souls and wish that you
 could live with normal people who
 didn't meet at a Star Trek
 convention!!
 
 She quickly catches her faux pas and stops talking.
 
 OLIVE
 (Sympathetic to her
 FRIEND)
 Rhi, I like your parents. They're
 sweet. But I can't go camping this
 weekend.
 
 RHIANNON
 Quick. Hurry and make up a lie.
 
 OLIVE
 I have a date.
 
 RHIANNON
 Liar.
 6.
 
 
 OLIVE
 (LYING)
 No. I do.
 
 RHIANNON
 With who?
 
 OLIVE
 You don't know him.
 
 RHIANNON
 And neither do you, you selfish
 bitch!
 
 OLIVE
 I'm serious. He goes to the
 community college with my brother
 in Denton.
 
 RHIANNON
 What's his name then?
 
 OLIVE
 (WAXING CUTE)
 Who? My brother?
 
 RHIANNON
 Stop stalling. You're totally
 trying to come up with a name.
 Just say it.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 I'm not proud of this. Less about
 the lie and more about the
 unoriginality of it. Okay, have
 you guys ever watched `The Brady
 Bunch'? Of course you haven't.
 You're busy watching fake people
 pretend to be real on MTV. That's
 why I knew I could get away with
 it. See, there was this episode
 where Jan - the awkward middle
 child - made up a boyfriend to
 assuage the ridicule of her snatchy
 sister who had just stolen the
 heart of the boy that Jan loved.
 The name of her imaginary boyfriend
 WAS --
 7.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
 
 OLIVE
 (Into the phone)
 George Glass.
 
 RHIANNON
 George? What kind of a fucking
 name is George?
 
 OLIVE
 He's pretty hot and he asked me out
 this weekend, so I said yes.
 
 Although still skeptical, she seems a tad more mollified.
 
 RHIANNON
 If you're choosing him over helping
 me cope with two days in the
 wilderness with these people who
 even I'm not convinced aren't
 serial killers, he had better be
 the one. You had better fucking
 marry him, have fucking babies with
 him and then take him for fucking
 everything he's worth.
 
 OLIVE
 Deal.
 
 
 INT. CAFETERIA - CONTINUOUS
 
 Rhi and Olive continue their conversation, as Rhi pops a
 tater tot into her mouth.
 
 RHIANNON
 (With her mouth full)
 You're not off the hook, you know.
 I want lurid details. This had
 better be the best date of your
 life to co***erbalance the worst
 weekend of mine.
 
 OLIVE
 I'm sure you'll have a good time.
 
 
 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
 
 Rhi sits, bored and uncomfortable, while her parents smile at
 the campfire for an, again, awkwardly long moment.
 8.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 To her webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 (Through the proverbial
 CLENCHED TEETH)
 Even though we now hate each other,
 Rhi, I really hope you're watching
 this. Because this part's for you.
 The lurid details of my weekend en
 flagrante delicto with the all-too-
 imaginary, yet surprisingly
 satisfying George Glass:
 
 Ken Nordine's beat poem `OLIVE,' (from the late 60's album
 `Colors'), underscored to jazz, plays as we see a montage of
 OLIVE'S WEEKEND:
 
 In her bedroom, Olive --
 
 -- watches `The Notebook,' pining over Ryan Gosling.
 
 KEN NORDINE (V.O.)
 Olive.
 Poor thing.
 
 -- paints her toenails Jungle Red.
 
 KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 Sits and thinks
 that it's drab.
 Sure does.
 Sits and sits and sits and sits and
 THINKS
 about it's olive drab drab.
 
 -- dances to the jazz music, but alone, in her underwear and
 a t-shirt that declares: `Hands off.'
 
 KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 DOESN'T KNOW
 that it is about to be named
 `Color of the Year,'
 by those with the nose for the new.
 By the passionate few.
 Yeah...
 
 -- reads TEEN PEOPLE magazine.
 
 KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
 Olive is definitely in.
 EVERYTHING
 that can possibly mean
 (MORE)
 9.
 
 KEN NORDINE (CONT'D)
 anything!
 Anywhere!
 At least for a year.
 
 -- dances some more.
 
 KEN NORDINE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 Has got to be Olive!
 Did you hear that Olive?
 Did ya?
 Know what it means?
 Oh Olive!
 There'll be olive cars
 and olive trucks
 and olive chickens
 and olive ducks
 and olive socks
 and olive garters
 And olive brakes
 and olive starters!
 Olive, sorry!
 Olive, please!
 OLIVE WHATNOTS
 and olive trees!
 Olive trees?
 What a quaint notion...
 Olive trees.
 (CHUCKLING)
 Olive.
 
 Out of breath from dancing, she walks over and displaces the
 NEEDLE from the KEN NORDINE ALBUM she's playing.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 To the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
 how my weekend was...
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 Olive and Rhi walk, with books in hand, to class - weaving in
 and out of people.
 
 OLIVE
 It was nothing short of perfection.
 10.
 
 
 RHIANNON
 Details, bitch. Wait, first I need
 a scope of reference. Who would
 play him in the movie of your life?
 
 OLIVE
 Ryan Gosling, definitely.
 
 RHIANNON
 That works. Spill.
 
 OLIVE
 He was charming. A real gentleman.
 
 RHIANNON
 Are you going to see him again?
 
 OLIVE
 Probably not. It was just one of
 those weekends.
 
 RHIANNON
 The whole weekend?
 
 OLIVE
 Yeah.
 
 Rhiannon suddenly stops and twirls Olive to face her.
 
 RHIANNON
 Wait a minute. You didn't...
 
 OLIVE
 No, of course not.
 
 RHIANNON
 (VERY LOUDLY)
 You fucking liar! You totally lost
 your virginity to him.
 
 Pedestrian students stop in their tracks to stare at them.
 
 OLIVE
 I did not.
 
 RHIANNON
 YES YOU DID, YOU LYING FUCKING
 WHORE!
 
 Olive grabs her and drags her forward, interrupting the show.
 
 RHIANNON (CONT'D)
 Tell me everything and spare me the
 coquettish `just-the-tip' bullshit.
 (MORE)
 11.
 
 RHIANNON (CONT'D)
 I know you did it! I know you let
 him put it inside you, so just TELL
 ME!
 
 OLIVE
 I'm not that kind of girl.
 
 RHIANNON
 The kind that does it or the kind
 that does it like a fucking porn
 star and then doesn't have the
 balls to talk about it?
 
 Rhi drags her into the --
 
 
 INT. GIRLS' ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 -- and abrasively, gets up in Olive's face.
 
 RHIANNON
 I want every perverted detail.
 NOW, bitch.
 
 Pressured, Olive lies.
 
 OLIVE
 Okay. Fine. We did it.
 
 RHIANNON
 You lost your virginity! Fucking
 finally! Now, you're a super-slut
 like me!
 
 OLIVE
 Rhi. Blowing Peter Tolliver once
 behind the Pizza Hut doesn't make
 you a super-slut.
 
 RHIANNON
 There were people walking past.
 Whatever, this isn't about me.
 This is about YOU. What did you
 let him do?
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 I started piling on lie after lie.
 It was like setting up Jenga.
 
 CUT TO:
 12.
 
 
 A well-manicured FEMALE HAND stacks WOODEN JENGA BLOCKS onto
 a table.
 
 BACK TO:
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 It was... Normal. Nothing freaky.
 It was sweet. HE was sweet.
 
 RHIANNON
 Was he big? Did it hurt?
 
 OLIVE
 No. It was great. Like I said.
 Okay, that's enough.
 
 The toilet flushes and MARIANNE BRYANT (16), an Aryanesque,
 cardigan-wearing Christian-girl exits from a stall and walks
 to the sink, where she vigorously washes her hands - while
 staring at Rhi and Olive with disgust.
 
 RHIANNON
 What the fuck are you looking at,
 Marianne?
 
 MARIANNE
 Nothing. Just a couple of admitted
 whores.
 
 Marianne wipes her hands and leaves the restroom. Olive's
 stomach revolves at her now-turned-public admission.
 
 OLIVE
 So, how was your weekend?
 
 (I promise it's the last time...)
 
 
 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
 
 The Abernathys smile at the campfire, roasting WEINERS.
 Rhiannon would rather be anywhere other than there.
 
 MR. ABERNATHY
 Wienie, Rhi?
 
 Rhi snorts in contempt of her father and his wienie.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 13.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Marianne Bryant, as we all know, is
 the President of the Christian
 Student Coalition and is that rare
 breed of human born with a stick
 the size of a baseball bat
 implanted up her anus. God's
 honest. I'm sure it's in some
 medical dictionary somewhere.
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR
 
 Marianne and her lackey, NINA HOWELL (16), who's just as
 awful as she is, pass out flyers.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Last year's cause celebre was the
 changing of the school mascot,
 which she spearheaded.
 
 Marianne aggressively shoves her literature into passing
 students faces.
 
 
 INT. GYM - LAST YEAR
 
 The school's MASCOT (17), a SHIRTLESS MUSCULAR KID painted
 BLUE and costumed as a DEVIL, bursts into the auditorium and
 begins to rile students up by thrusting his PITCHFORK in the
 air.
 
 MASCOT
 Blue Devils! Blue Devils! Blue
 Devils!
 
 The crowd goes wild.
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - LAST YEAR -
 CONTINUOUS
 
 Marianne, melodramatically, grabs a PASSING STUDENT by the
 arm.
 
 MARIANNE
 How can we exhibit school pride
 when we're conveyed to others as
 satan worshippers?
 
 The scared student takes her pamphlet and runs away.
 14.
 
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Now, thankfully, we're the much
 less intimidating --
 
 
 INT. GYM - LAST YEAR - MONTHS LATER
 
 The mascot, unenthusiastic and feeling ridiculous, walks into
 the gym dressed as a --
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Meerkat.
 
 MASCOT
 Go meerkats! Go meerkats!
 
 He can't seem to get himself or the student body as excited -
 with the exception of Marianne and Nina, in the stands
 applauding proudly.
 
 The school band is playing `GOLDFINGER.'
 
 Across the gym, Olive sits with Rhiannon.
 
 RHIANNON
 What the fuck is a meerkat anyway?
 
 OLIVE
 Beats the hell out of me. But can
 we just take a moment to applaud
 the Barbara Bush High School
 Marching Band for their very
 ambitious effort to learn all of
 the James Bond theme music in a
 single year? I personally wish
 them all the best in their
 endeavor. Ku-dos!
 
 RHIANNON
 I think I speak for all of the
 female students and faculty - and
 maybe a couple of males - when I
 say that I liked Todd much better
 when he was shirtless. I actually
 looked forward to these disturbing
 displays of -- what do they call
 it?
 
 OLIVE
 School spirit.
 
 RHIANNON
 Yeah. That's it.
 15.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Even dressed as a meerkat, I still
 fantasize about him.
 
 RHIANNON
 Ha! What are those people called
 again? The ones that dress up like
 stuffed animals when they do it?
 
 OLIVE
 Communists.
 
 Rhiannon laughs.
 
 RHIANNON
 Shhh. Don't let Marianne hear you
 say that word. The last thing we
 need is McCarthyism at Barbara
 Bush.
 
 OLIVE
 Isn't high school already a hotbed
 of just that?
 
 RHIANNON
 True.
 (Beat.)
 Yeah, I'd totally fuck Meerkat
 Todd.
 
 They both get lost in the thought.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 So, of course, immediately I knew
 that the little white lie I told to
 my then-best-friend in the ladies
 room would come back to bite me on
 the ass. However, even I - who my
 fourth grade teacher stated on my
 report card `has an imagination
 that should be quickly expunged' -
 had no idea how quickly this
 article of fiction would spread.
 So, now we move on to Part Two: The
 Accelerated Velocity of
 Terminological Inexactitude.
 16.
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 Olive loads books into her locker. She sees Marianne walk
 past with Nina. They give her a repulsed look.
 
 Olive decides to nip this in the bud. She catches up to
 them.
 
 OLIVE
 Hey Marianne, can I talk to you for
 a second?
 
 Nina, reluctantly, gives them a moment alone.
 
 MARIANNE
 (EXASPERATED)
 What?
 
 OLIVE
 Listen, what you heard in the
 bathroom, that wasn't true. It's
 actually a funny story. Do you
 ever watch `The Brady Bunch'?
 
 MARIANNE
 Olive - that's your name, right?
 
 Olive knows that Marianne knows her name, but obligingly
 nods.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 I'm not the one you have to answer
 to for your depraved behavior.
 There is a higher power to judge
 your indecency.
 
 OLIVE
 (JOKINGLY)
 Who? The guidance counselor?
 
 MARIANNE
 (ICILY)
 I hope for your sake, God has a
 sense of humor.
 
 OLIVE
 Oh, I have sixteen years worth of
 anecdotal proof that He does.
 
 Olive looks over and sees that Nina is talking to a group of
 GUYS, who are looking at Olive, intrigued.
 17.
 
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (SOTTO VOCE)
 Damn it.
 
 Marianne sees what her friend is doing and smiles at Olive,
 coldly.
 
 MARIANNE
 Look. You've made your bed. I
 just hope for your sake, you
 cleaned the sheets.
 
 She turns on her heels and leaves Olive behind.
 
 OLIVE
 (TO HERSELF)
 Did I just get saved?
 
 She shakes off her attempt and continues on her way, walking
 past the guys who smile at her. This alarms her.
 
 GUY IN HALL
 Hey Olive. How's it going?
 
 Without stopping --
 
 OLIVE
 I'm swell, guy-I've-never-laid-eyes-
 on-before. Thanks for asking.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 All I could think to myself was
 `Great, now I'm going to have to
 start wearing red lipstick and
 stiletto heels.'
 
 Battling her frustration, she goes to class.
 
 
 INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
 
 Olive eats dinner with her family.
 
 Her father, DILL (40's), is a regular dad-kinda-guy. Her
 mother, ROSEMARY (40's) is heavyset with a fun disposition.
 Also in attendance is her `a-little-too-precious' sister,
 GINGER (12).
 
 Olive and her folks get along really well.
 
 OLIVE
 Hey, you guys know that I was here
 all weekend, right?
 18.
 
 
 They all nod at her.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 And you would testify to that?
 
 DILL
 (SLIGHTLY CONCERNED)
 What's up, sweet pea?
 
 OLIVE
 It's nothing. Just the rumor mill.
 
 ROSEMARY
 What's the rumor mill turning out
 these days?
 
 OLIVE
 Seriously, it's nothing.
 
 They continue to eat.
 
 ROSEMARY
 Don't forget your brother's staying
 here next weekend.
 
 OLIVE
 Why? He never comes home.
 
 ROSEMARY
 They're fumigating the dorms. And
 thank God for that. Last time I
 was there, I saw three cockroaches.
 
 GINGER
 (WHINY)
 Mom, can you please not say that
 word while I'm eating?
 
 ROSEMARY
 Sorry, hon.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 Like all families, mine has a deep
 dark secret. And since I'm
 spilling all this dirt, I might as
 well go ahead and confess it.
 
 She takes a deep breath.
 19.
 
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I'm trusting that this nugget of
 information isn't going to be
 spread around, but - okay, here it
 goes: My dad's name is Dill and my
 mother's name is Rosemary. They
 were so amused by this that they
 decided to name all of their
 children after --
 (FEIGNING DISCOMFORT)
 -- edible items.
 (With mock emotion)
 My brother's name is Sage and my
 sister's name is Ginger. It's
 shocking, I know. We're like a
 fucking pantry, us Penderghasts!
 (SNAPPING BACK)
 But at least my parents didn't meet
 at a `Star Trek' convention, BITCH!
 Sorry. Now, I'm just being mean.
 Okay. Back to the story.
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 As Olive walks through school, she is met with a totally
 different energy. She no longer blends in. Guys are
 checking her out. Girls are glaring at her, scornfully.
 
 She's kind of digging it.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 So, while I would never have
 classified myself as a wallflower,
 I was now the center of attention
 and who doesn't love that? Jeez,
 if I'd known that losing my
 virginity would create such a new
 persona for myself, I'd have lied
 about it back in eighth grade.
 Eighth grade sucked. I did get my
 first kiss back then, however. It
 was gross and kind of turned me off
 to the whole my-tongue-in-other-
 people's-mouths thing. Not to
 mention, the even-worse other-
 people's-tongues-in-MY-mouth thing.
 Seriously, folks. Who invented
 kissing? Why is everyone so dead-
 set on sticking their body parts in
 other people's orifices? If
 there's a hole on a person, rest
 assured, somebody wants to stick
 something of theirs in it.
 20.
 
 
 INT. CLOSET
 
 In almost complete darkness, a very nervous EIGHTH GRADE
 OLIVE (13) sits with a scared shitless EIGHTH GRADE KID (13).
 
 You can hear other PRE-TEENS snickering and whispering
 outside the door.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 So, I think this is the part where
 you're supposed to stick your
 tongue in my mouth. It's just what
 I've heard.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 Just give me a second, okay?
 
 Olive presses a button and her watch illuminates.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 According to my watch, you have 382
 of them.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 How do you do that?
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 What?
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 Add so fast. And you also talk
 like a grown up.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 Don't worry. I'm not nearly as
 smart as I think I am.
 
 The kid snickers. He feels a little more at ease.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I think it's just practice. For
 when I do grow up. Plus, don't
 sweat it. Girls mature faster than
 boys.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 That's what they say.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 And it's probably the reason I'm
 ready to do this and you're not.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 Is it that obvious?
 21.
 
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 Painfully so.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 So, if we didn't do anything, would
 you tell everybody?
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 Absolutely. I will tell everyone
 you pussied out and the whole
 school will make fun of you and
 you'll most likely spend the rest
 of your teen years as a joke - no,
 even worse - a cautionary tale.
 
 They both laugh.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 The Kid Who Opted Not To Kiss The
 Girl.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 They'll tell it for years. It'll
 be a suburban legend.
 
 The kid smiles warmly and gratefully at her.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 Thanks, Olive.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 Don't mention it.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 No. YOU don't mention it.
 
 She extends her pinky to him. They link pinkies and they
 swear on it.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 We still have five minutes and
 thirty six seconds.
 
 There's a long silence.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 I'm really interested in politics.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 Oh yeah?
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 Totally.
 22.
 
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 Well,... Uh.... Cool.
 
 There's another long silence. Finally, from outside the door
 --
 
 PRETEEN KID (O.S.)
 Ewwwww. H***er Neblett just puked
 all over the dining room.
 
 Olive and the kid listen as people scurry from outside the
 closet.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 Thank God.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE
 Hey, we're in Junior High. Vomit-
 viewing will always trump spit-
 swapping.
 
 The kid starts to make his grand escape, but Olive stops him.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Real fast - and you can tell me the
 truth. It's not because I'm --
 
 The kid smiles.
 
 EIGHTH GRADE KID
 No. You're very pretty.
 
 He extends his pinky and she links it to hers. He kisses her
 quickly on the cheek and darts from the closet.
 
 Olive sits in the closet for a moment, contemplating what
 just happened, wondering if he was telling the truth, then
 she opens the door.
 
 The coast is clear, except for ANOTHER PRETEEN KID walking
 past. She aggressively grabs him and pulls him into the
 closet with her and, promptly, thrusts her tongue into his
 mouth.
 
 They make out.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Olive seems lost in thought. She snaps back to reality and
 the task at hand.
 23.
 
 
 OLIVE
 If I'd known that Meerkat Todd was
 going to turn out so hot, I
 probably would have cherished the
 moment more. I suppose just that
 I'm sitting here reminiscing about
 it means that it must have meant
 something.
 (Beat.)
 Yeah, so anyway - kissing's not
 really my thing. That's what I
 learned in Natalie Giblin's closet.
 I digress...
 
 
 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
 
 Olive half-listens in class, while her English teacher MR.
 GRIFFIN (early 30's), a handsome guy, lectures on `THE
 SCARLET LETTER.'
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 So, I'm feeling like the cat's ass,
 because everyone thinks I've been
 deflowered. I'm surprised at how
 empowered I felt by this
 prevarication. I wonder to myself,
 would I feel this invigorated if I
 had actually let some college kid
 violate me in his cockroach-
 infested dorm room? Probably not.
 (Beat.)
 Ironically, we were studying `The
 Scarlet Letter,' but isn't that
 always the way with these teenage
 tales? The literature you read in
 class always seems to have a strong
 connection with whatever angsty
 adolescent drama is being
 reco***ed. I consider this.
 (Pause.)
 Then I think: Except for
 `Huckleberry Finn.' I don't know
 any teenage boys who have ever run
 away with a big, hulking black guy.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 Alright, so thoughts?
 
 Nina raises her hand. Mr. Griffin points to her.
 
 NINA
 I think Hester Prynne was - excuse
 my language - a whore.
 24.
 
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 You don't see her as a victim?
 
 NINA
 Why should I? She brought it on
 herself.
 
 Nina whips around and gives Olive a look, surprising her.
 
 OLIVE
 Excuse me?
 
 NINA
 Perhaps you should embroider a red
 A on your wardrobe?
 
 OLIVE
 Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe,
 you twat!
 
 The class bursts into surprised laughter. Even Mr. Griffin
 tries hard to suppress a congratulatory glance in her
 direction.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 Admittedly, not my best line. But
 it was provocative enough to land
 me in the Principal's office.
 
 Mr. Griffin, begrudgingly, calls her to his desk. He starts
 writing something on a piece of paper.
 
 
 INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 Olive sits with her arms crossed outside of the Principal's
 office. She clenches a note in her fist.
 
 Marianne, who's an office aid, has a smirk on her face as she
 watches Olive squirm. She slams her fist down on the
 stapler, repetitively.
 
 FINALLY --
 
 MARIANNE
 Seems as if someone's on a downward
 spiral.
 
 OLIVE
 Seems as if someone's practicing
 the mundane activities she'll be
 saddled with the rest of her
 pathetic life.
 25.
 
 
 MARIANNE
 You have a chip on your shoulder
 the size of Texas.
 
 OLIVE
 Wow, that's even bigger than your
 ass.
 
 MARIANNE
 (COLDLY)
 You're going to hell.
 
 OLIVE
 (Growing weary of this
 BANTER)
 As long as you won't be there...
 
 MARIANNE
 Oh, I can assure you I won't.
 
 Neither says anything for a few moments.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 I hope you at least had the good
 sense to wear a condom.
 
 OLIVE
 Why? Your parents didn't.
 
 MARIANNE
 You know, you're just like --
 
 The principal's door opens and Marianne quickly shuts up and
 continues her work.
 
 TWO KIDS emerge. One, obviously, a bully; the other,
 obviously, the bullied. The BULLIED kid is holding a
 BLOODIED TISSUE up to his nose. He and Olive exchange
 meaningful glances.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (60's), a colossal prick disguised as a
 man, gestures for her to come in. Olive gets up and enters --
 
 
 INT. PRINCIPAL GIBBONS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
 
 He closes the door behind them. He holds his hand out and
 she gives him the note that Mr. Griffin wrote. Gibbons
 studies it.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 I don't know you.
 
 She thrusts her hand out.
 26.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Olive Penderghast.
 
 He eyes her hand, not amused, and she quickly withdraws it.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 Why are we just now meeting? Using
 language like this should have
 warranted a visit to me years ago.
 
 OLIVE
 Well, to be perfectly honest - I've
 never used an epithet like this in
 an educational arena before. Sir.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 This is foul.
 
 OLIVE
 In my defense, I think I meant to
 say `twit.' It just came out more -
 what's the word I'm looking for?
 Veracious.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 A young lady with such an extensive
 vocabulary shouldn't be stooping to
 such vituperations.
 
 OLIVE
 (SMILING)
 Touch�.
 
 As serious as a heart attack...
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 Wipe that smile off your face --
 (Consulting the note)
 Olive. I don't tolerate this kind
 of language. Ever. Consider this
 your first warning. If I find out
 you've used a word like this in my
 school again, I will make sure that
 it's your last. I don't operate on
 a `three strikes you're out
 system'. You get one warning from
 me.
 
 She starts to say something --
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS (CONT'D)
 Think very carefully before you
 speak.
 27.
 
 
 She relents, but stares him squarely in the eyes.
 
 OLIVE
 I always do. Are we finished?
 
 He gestures to the door.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 Detention tomorrow after school in
 Room 704. And, young lady, I don't
 want to see you again.
 
 OLIVE
 Not even in a more positive
 capacity? Maybe I could win a
 ribbon or a medal or something. I
 could conceivably be valedictorian.
 Or something.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 (FRIGHTENINGLY SERIOUS)
 Get out of my office now.
 
 She quickly runs out of his office.
 
 
 EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
 
 Rhiannon, excitedly, approaches Olive - dying to talk to her.
 
 RHIANNON
 Please tell me the rumors are true.
 
 OLIVE
 Yes, I'm a big whore.
 
 RHIANNON
 Not that one. The one where you
 called Nina Howell a c*** and then
 socked her in the nose.
 
 OLIVE
 It's not entirely true.
 (Beat.)
 Look, there's something I need to
 tell you.
 
 Rhiannon ignores her sincere attempt to confess.
 
 RHIANNON
 Yeah. Like the exact moment you
 turned into such a BAD ASS? I
 think I'm in LOVE with you.
 (MORE)
 28.
 
 RHIANNON (CONT'D)
 Please tell me you at least left a
 mark on that scrunched-up face of
 hers. POW! The c*** goes down for
 the co***!
 
 OLIVE
 (FRUSTRATED)
 Never mind.
 
 Rhiannon pulls her keys from her purse and they walk to her
 car.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I want a car.
 
 RHIANNON
 Please. It's my only perk. Trust
 me.
 
 They get into her car.
 
 
 INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
 
 The scene looks the same. Olive sits with her family, having
 family dinner.
 
 OLIVE
 I got sent to the Principal today.
 
 Her parents seem more impressed than upset. This is
 definitely a first.
 
 DILL
 What did you do?
 
 OLIVE
 I used inappropriate language in
 English class. But we're reading a
 book that I, personally, deem
 wildly inappropriate for my age
 group, so I felt that it was
 actually quite apropos.
 
 ROSEMARY
 (More curious than angry)
 What did you say?
 
 Olive looks to her little sister and thinks better of saying
 the word out loud.
 
 OLIVE
 Let's just say it was an
 inappropriate word.
 29.
 
 
 DILL
 What did it start with?
 
 OLIVE
 A snide comment from a snotty-ass
 girl in my class.
 
 DILL
 I meant what letter did it start
 with?
 
 OLIVE
 Oh. Yeah. T.
 
 ROSEMARY
 T? That's an odd one. Is this one
 of those new curse words?
 
 Both her parents wheels are going. They're both seeking the
 answer in their heads, but are coming up with nothing.
 
 ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
 Was it -- ?
 
 She leans over and whispers something in her daughter's ear.
 
 OLIVE
 I don't even know what that means.
 
 ROSEMARY
 Yeah. Neither do I.
 
 Her parents search their brains, but nothing is coming to
 them.
 
 DILL
 Okay. Noun, adjective or verb?
 
 OLIVE
 Noun. Definitely slang. Think
 British, although they pronounce it
 differently.
 
 ROSEMARY
 Well, I'm stumped. Whisper it in
 my ear.
 
 OLIVE
 I can't. Too weird.
 
 Excited by the prospect --
 
 ROSEMARY
 Oo! Oo! Spell it with your peas!
 30.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Now, THAT'S a challenge.
 
 She begins maneuvering her peas around the plate.
 
 DILL
 Does this have something to do with
 this rumor you were talking about
 the other night?
 
 Olive touches her index finger to her nose, as she continues
 to manipulate her food.
 
 DILL (CONT'D)
 Is there something you want to tell
 us, kiddo?
 
 OLIVE
 I'm spelling it out for you as
 quickly as I can.
 
 GINGER
 (Desperate for attention)
 I got a B plus on my spelling test
 today.
 
 Too intrigued by Olive's admission to really care --
 
 ROSEMARY
 Good, sweetheart.
 
 Rosemary figures it out as Olive is assembling the A.
 
 ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
 Oh, I know what it is!
 
 She leans over and whispers it in Dill's ear. He nods in
 understanding.
 
 GINGER
 (Glancing at Olive's
 PLATE)
 What's a twat?
 
 Olive quickly scrapes the peas into a pile.
 
 DILL
 It's a word that will get you sent
 to the principal's office.
 
 ROSEMARY
 (Whispering into Ginger's
 EAR)
 It's not a good word.
 (MORE)
 31.
 
 ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
 (TO OLIVE)
 So, what was the principal like?
 
 OLIVE
 The male equivalent.
 
 ROSEMARY
 Of what?
 
 Now, it's Dill's turn to whisper in Rosemary's ear. She nods
 in understanding.
 
 DILL
 Well, it's the first time since
 second grade, so I guess we can't
 be too hard on you.
 
 OLIVE
 (GENUINELY CURIOUS)
 What would my punishment have been
 otherwise?
 
 DILL
 I dunno. To bed without supper?
 
 OLIVE
 But I'm already finished. Except
 for my helpful and profane peas.
 
 DILL
 (THINKING HARD)
 Uhhhh. This grounding thing seems
 to be taking the co***ry by storm.
 No phone, TV or... Or....
 
 OLIVE
 I'll help you out. I don't have
 anyone to call. I haven't watched
 TV since they cancelled `The
 Illegitimate Children of the Real
 Housewives of Laguna Beach' and I
 really only watched that as a joke.
 
 DILL
 Fine. I'd take away your --
 
 OLIVE
 Books? Computer?
 
 DILL
 Yes! You're computer!
 32.
 
 
 OLIVE
 All my homework's on there. Sorry.
 You lose. But thanks for playing.
 
 DILL
 (SMILING WARMLY)
 I guess then I'm lucky this isn't a
 regular occurrence.
 
 Olive gets up from the table and kisses her dad on the cheek.
 
 OLIVE
 I think we both are. I wouldn't
 know how to be grounded any more
 than you know how to ground.
 
 DILL
 I love you.
 (Whispering in her ear)
 And I'm sure that girl was acting
 like exactly what you called her.
 
 OLIVE
 (WHISPERING BACK)
 You have no idea.
 
 She goes over and kisses her mom on the cheek, as well.
 Leaving the dining room --
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 How's about I go and punish myself?
 Mea culpa, mea culpa.
 
 She retreats upstairs.
 
 GINGER
 How come you guys never get mad at
 her?
 
 ROSEMARY
 Because, pumpkin, of our three
 darling children, we love her best.
 (Erupting into laughter)
 Just kidding! Now eat your dinner.
 
 Dill chuckles, but Ginger is not amused.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 33.
 
 
 OLIVE
 The next day, things took a turn
 for the scandalous. Which brings
 us to Part Three: A Lady's Choice
 and a Gentleman's Agreement.
 
 She smiles slyly into her camera.
 
 
 INT. ROOM 704 - DAY
 
 Bored, Olive sits at a desk in a classroom, reading a
 tattered copy of `The Scarlet Letter.' She's dressed much
 racier and is starting to look pretty hot.
 
 There's only one other person in the room. The BULLIED KID
 seen by Olive leaving Gibbons's office the day before.
 
 The bullied kid is thin as a rail, pale as a ghost and
 slightly effeminate. He looks miserable. Not just by this
 detention, but from life in general.
 
 OLIVE
 Are these detention sessions often
 unchaperoned?
 
 BULLIED KID
 I don't think we pose a flight
 risk.
 
 OLIVE
 I see.
 
 Olive laughs to herself.
 
 BULLIED KID
 What?
 
 OLIVE
 I was just thinking it's kind of
 funny. We haven't really talked
 since that closet incident back in
 eighth grade.
 
 BULLIED KID
 I was afraid you were going to
 bring that up.
 
 OLIVE
 So, how have you been, Brandon?
 
 BRANDON
 (DRYLY)
 I have been fantastic.
 (MORE)
 34.
 
 BRANDON (CONT'D)
 Really, really amazing. Don't know
 if you heard, but according to my
 locker, I'm a `power bottom.'
 
 OLIVE
 Yikes.
 
 BRANDON
 Yeah, only two days after the
 custodians had finally gotten
 around to scrubbing `turd burglar'
 off. Which, if you think about it,
 really contradicts the previous
 label.
 
 OLIVE
 Maybe your vandal is marvelling at
 your versatility?
 
 Brandon shoots her a `that's not funny' look.
 
 BRANDON
 But, of course, I'm in detention.
 
 OLIVE
 Why?
 
 BRANDON
 Because Gibbons is a homophobe.
 (Beat.)
 And I called him a facist.
 
 OLIVE
 So, the rumors are true, huh?
 
 BRANDON
 (INCREDULOUS)
 Have you ever met me?
 
 OLIVE
 No. I meant about Gibbons being a
 facist.
 
 He laughs.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I kind of guessed it that night
 with the whole kissing thing. The
 way you ran away. I remember
 thinking to myself, `this isn't the
 first time this kid's going to go
 bursting out of the closet.'
 35.
 
 
 BRANDON
 Gold star for you, Nancy Drew.
 
 There's a brief silence between them.
 
 OLIVE
 You know, I read this article that
 said with this whole EMO movement,
 it looks like - that in a few years
 - the gay kids are going to be the
 most popular ones in school.
 
 BRANDON
 Oh good. I'll come back when I'm
 twenty seven for my redo.
 
 Ignoring his cynicism --
 
 OLIVE
 Can you imagine the dance squad
 full of shirtless guys in tight
 pants rocking out to Britney, while
 the football players sit on the
 sidelines wishing they were that
 cool?
 
 BRANDON
 That'll be the day.
 (Beat.)
 Judging from the new look you're
 sporting, I'm not the only one in a
 transformative stage. `Sup with
 the whore couture?
 
 OLIVE
 (PROUDLY)
 Haven't you heard? I'm the new
 school slut!
 
 BRANDON
 As a matter of fact I did hear
 that. I heard you banged a guy
 twice your age.
 
 OLIVE
 No way. He's a freshman in
 college.
 
 BRANDON
 Also heard he gave you crabs.
 
 OLIVE
 Ewwww. People suck.
 36.
 
 
 BRANDON
 Tell me about it.
 
 OLIVE
 He's not real. The guy I slept
 with. I made him up.
 
 BRANDON
 So, you started the rumor?
 
 OLIVE
 Indirectly? Sort of. Well, not
 really. No. No, I didn't.
 
 BRANDON
 But you're perpetuating it. That's
 fucked up.
 
 OLIVE
 (OFFENDED)
 Excuse me?
 
 BRANDON
 It's true. There's only one thing
 worse than these tabloid-chasing
 celebutantes with their vapid minds
 and their immoral souls and that's
 the people who want to be like
 them.
 
 OLIVE
 Did I say I wanted to be like them?
 
 BRANDON
 No, you just want everyone else to
 think you are.
 
 OLIVE
 Why does it matter if it's not who
 I really am? No offense, Brando,
 but maybe you could learn something
 from me.
 
 BRANDON
 You're saying I should pretend to
 be straight, so people will like
 me? What a novel idea. You should
 do seminars. Oh, wait a minute, I
 forgot... In high school,
 EVERYBODY PRETENDS TO BE SOMETHING
 THEY'RE NOT!
 37.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Calm down, Adolph. There's a vein
 popping out of your neck. I'm
 simply suggesting that maybe these
 kids we call peers have got the
 right idea. Maybe Bridget
 Schumacher isn't as hippy-dippy as
 she pretends to be. Maybe that's
 just the label she's put on herself
 to avoid having to bathe as often
 as society deems necessary. Or
 take Marianne Bryant. It's
 convenient for her to act like a
 stuck-up Jesus-freak.
 (Thinking about this)
 No. I'm wrong. I think she's
 actually just a stuck-up Jesus-
 freak. But do you think she cares
 that that's the way she's
 perceived? No. Maybe she was just
 sick of being just another
 nameless, faceless entity in a
 place and a time that reveres
 people for extremity?
 
 Brandon realizes why she's chosen this path and feels for
 her.
 
 BRANDON
 There are some of us, though, that
 want to just blend in to the crowd.
 
 OLIVE
 Then maybe you need to go to that
 extreme. Or make the steadfast
 decision not to care. Even better
 if you can manage to do both.
 (Beat.)
 I've discovered an infallible
 remedy for teen angst: apathy.
 
 BRANDON
 I can't decide if you're a genius
 or a lunatic.
 
 OLIVE
 Don't they sort of go hand-in-hand?
 
 She smiles sinisterly at him.
 
 BRANDON
 Funny. I always thought teen angst
 and apathy went hand in hand.
 38.
 
 
 There is an electricity in the air and it seems as if at any
 moment, they might fling off their clothes and screw right
 there.
 
 OLIVE
 How am I doing?
 
 BRANDON
 What? Pretending to be a whore?
 For a virgin, I'm impressed. How
 about me? Could I pass as
 straight?
 
 OLIVE
 Not bad. For a f**.
 
 BRANDON
 I prefer the term `turd burglar.'
 
 They both break character and return to being themselves.
 
 OLIVE
 If we really wanted to shock the
 world, we'd get up and leave
 detention.
 
 BRANDON
 But you know that we would never do
 that.
 
 OLIVE
 Isn't going to stop me from telling
 everybody we did.
 
 Brandon thinks hard about everything that's just been said.
 His brain is going a-mile-a-minute. In that noggin, an idea
 has been planted.
 
 Olive, not oblivious to this, returns to her novel.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
 Olive lounges on her bed, flipping through a magazine and
 talking to Rhiannon on the phone.
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 Brandy Carter was telling Vanessa
 Hodges that you lost your virginity
 to three guys in a jacuzzi.
 39.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Well, I guess that's better than me
 getting crabs from a guy twice my
 age.
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 Ewww. Who said that?
 
 OLIVE
 You know that Brandon kid?
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 From your seedy pre-pubescent
 closet romp?
 
 OLIVE
 The one and only. It's what
 somebody told him.
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 Nobody talks to him.
 
 OLIVE
 Isn't that sad? He's actually
 quite the conversationalist.
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 He's gay.
 
 OLIVE
 Since when are straight guys under
 the age of eighteen able to
 converse?
 
 A call beeps in on the other line.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Shit. Hold on.
 
 She clicks over.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Hello?
 
 BRANDON (O.S.)
 Olive?
 
 OLIVE
 (SINGSONG)
 Unfortunately so.
 
 BRANDON
 It's Brandon.
 40.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Speak of the devil...
 
 BRANDON (O.S.)
 Hey, can I come over? I wanted to
 talk to you about something.
 
 OLIVE
 (INTRIGUED)
 Okay. Yeah. Sure.
 
 BRANDON (O.S.)
 Okay. See you soon.
 
 Olive clicks over to Rhiannon.
 
 OLIVE
 Dude, that was Brandon. He wants
 to talk to me about something.
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
 
 OLIVE
 That's so mean.
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 Any word from George?
 
 OLIVE
 Rhi, I told you. It was a one
 night stand. Which is now a DONE
 night stand.
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 You're being awfully cavalier about
 this. I mean, he popped your
 cherry. Aren't you supposed to be
 eternally in love with him and
 shit?
 
 OLIVE
 If I was a character on a CW show,
 then, absolutely, I'd be blubbering
 all over my Teen Vogue. Hey, we
 should start a rumor that I'm
 having a pregnancy scare!
 
 Olive is stoked by her idea.
 41.
 
 
 INT. FOYER - PENDERGHAST HOME - NIGHT
 
 Rosemary opens the door to see Brandon. She has no idea who
 he is.
 
 BRANDON
 Hi. Is there an Olive here?
 
 ROSEMARY
 (FEIGNING CONFUSION)
 There's a whole jar of them in the
 fridge.
 
 BRANDON
 Sorry, I must have gotten the
 address wrong.
 
 ROSEMARY
 Just kidding! Come on in.
 
 Brandon walks in and Rosemary shouts --
 
 ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
 Olive, sweetie, there's a young man
 here to see you. He said something
 about asking for your hand in
 marriage.
 
 Brandon's eyes bulge and Olive descends the staircase.
 
 OLIVE
 Oh happy day, Mama! I thought I was
 going to have to spend my dowry on
 booze and pills to numb the
 loneliness.
 
 Olive grabs Brandon by the hand and leads him upstairs to --
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 She closes the door behind them.
 
 OLIVE
 My mom's an acquired taste. I know
 this because I've only just
 recently begun to appreciate her
 myself.
 
 She gestures for him to sit down.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Welcome to my boudoir! This is
 where the magic happens.
 42.
 
 
 BRANDON
 (BLURTING OUT)
 Do you wanna go out with me?
 
 She looks at him, strangely.
 
 BRANDON (CONT'D)
 I mean, like -- Do you want to be
 my girlfriend?
 
 OLIVE
 Brandon, just a few hours ago, you
 told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
 
 BRANDON
 True. But you said I should
 pretend to be straight.
 
 OLIVE
 Well, I didn't mean with me.
 You're a sweet guy and all, but
 you're not really my type.
 
 BRANDON
 You're not really my type either.
 
 OLIVE
 I should say not.
 
 BRANDON
 Okay. Well, do you wanna have sex
 with me?
 
 OLIVE
 You're serious.
 
 He nervously nods.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Oh my God, dude. You totally
 missed my point. All I was saying
 was that --
 
 BRANDON
 No, I know what you were saying. I
 should play it straight ***il I get
 out of this hell and then I can be
 whoever I want to be. No, I got
 that.
 
 OLIVE
 Brandon, I didn't REALLY have sex
 with a college guy. I just told
 people I did.
 (MORE)
 43.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (CONSIDERS THIS)
 Well, actually, I just told one
 person and - well - you know how
 these things work.
 
 BRANDON
 So, you're saying I shouldn't
 really have sex. I should just say
 I had sex with someone. A girl.
 
 OLIVE
 Now, you're cooking with gas.
 
 It's his turn to smile slyly at her. She sees where he's
 going with this and instantly gets defensive.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no.
 No. Really. No. No way. No.
 No.
 
 BRANDON
 Think about it. We could help each
 other out. You want to maintain
 this floozy facade. I want to not
 get my face pummelled weekly.
 
 OLIVE
 You are on crack.
 
 BRANDON
 All it would take is one good
 imaginary fuck and you'd be saving
 the bone structure of my face.
 Think of how happy my parents would
 be!
 
 OLIVE
 This is not the answer. Why don't
 you just do what I did and make
 someone up?
 
 BRANDON
 Who would believe me?
 (GROWING INCREASINGLY
 DESPERATE)
 Listen, Olive, I don't want to do
 this. I want to live in that not-
 too-distant EMO world, but I still
 have another year of this bullshit
 place and I can't do it. I just
 can't do it.
 (Beat.)
 (MORE)
 44.
 
 BRANDON (CONT'D)
 I'll pay you. I can pay you
 whatever you want.
 
 OLIVE
 (GENTLY)
 I just don't think it would work.
 
 BRANDON
 Whores aren't discerning, Olive.
 And just think - you'll OFFICIALLY
 be a hooker with a heart of gold!
 
 OLIVE
 I don't want your money.
 
 BRANDON
 I insist.
 
 OLIVE
 So, if I say yes, you're going to
 tell a couple of people at school
 and I just have to go with it? I
 really don't think it will work.
 
 BRANDON
 (His voice cracking with
 EMOTION)
 I can make it work. I promise.
 
 She sees tears forming in his eyes.
 
 She walks away from him and is silent for a long few moments.
 
 OLIVE
 I don't do anything half-assed.
 (Spinning around to face
 HIM)
 It'll have to be a public event.
 Melanie Bostic is having a party
 tomorrow night. All of your
 tormentors will be there. You and
 I are going together. You have to
 do everything I say AND you have to
 tell people that I was sensational.
 
 Brandon wipes his tears away and is the happiest gay you've
 ever seen. He throws his arms around her and won't let go.
 
 BRANDON
 I can't believe you're doing this.
 
 OLIVE
 Afterwards, it's up to you. You're
 committing to something.
 (MORE)
 45.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Just make sure you're ready to live
 with the consequences.
 
 It seems as if that last statement was more for herself than
 it was for him.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 I'm sure you all remember the
 party...
 
 
 INT. BOSTIC HOUSE - NIGHT
 
 A TEEN PARTY rages. DRUNK KIDS abound.
 
 Olive, looking like a million-fuckin'-bucks, prances into the
 party with Brandon, who's looking pretty snazzy himself.
 They appear drunk and are falling all over each other.
 
 People stare in complete amazement at a.) Their appearance
 and b.) That they're even together in the first place.
 
 You'd never guess that this was anything less than an A-LIST
 TEEN COUPLE, ripped from the pages of Teen People.
 
 Olive falls against Brandon laughing. He hoists her up, as
 their host, MELANIE BOSTIC (17), a fairly pretty girl,
 approaches.
 
 MELANIE
 Hey Olive!
 (WEIRDED OUT)
 Hi Brandon.
 
 OLIVE
 OhmiGod, Melly. I hope you don't
 mind, but we had a few pre-cocktail
 party cocktails...
 (DISORIENTED)
 Party. Cocktails.
 
 MELANIE
 Well, glad you could make it.
 
 OLIVE
 (Whispering and slurring
 in her ear)
 Soooo, here's the thing.
 (MORE)
 46.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Brandon was in the middle of
 telling me this funny thing. Is
 there a quiet room we can go to
 where he can finish telling me --
 (HICCUP)
 -- About his thing? That's funny?
 
 She stares glassy-eyed at Melanie. Brandon just smiles.
 
 MELANIE
 Sure. You can use the guest room.
 Down the hall.
 
 OLIVE
 I love you. I love you so much.
 You are -- Just, yeah.
 
 She gives her a drunken punch on the shoulder.
 
 She spins around to the entire party, who is looking at them
 with complete interest.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (Loudly; to all)
 Hey everybody!
 
 They raise a glass to them and Brandon and Olive stumble down
 the hallway, laughing.
 
 MELANIE
 (Shocked; Mouthing to a
 GUEST)
 What the fuck?!
 
 The bully who emerged from Gibbons's office with Brandon,
 goes up to Melanie.
 
 BULLY
 Was that Olive with Brandon?
 
 MELANIE
 I know! Right?
 
 They, with a big group, race down the hall where Brandon and
 Olive have just retreated to.
 
 
 INT. GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
 
 Olive locks the door and drops the drunk act. She's
 completely sober and so is Brandon.
 47.
 
 
 OLIVE
 (WHISPERING)
 Draw the shades.
 
 Brandon runs over and pulls the blinds down. They giggle,
 conspiratorially.
 
 Olive plops down on the bed and stretches out. Brandon lays
 beside her. She moans for the benefit of the audience she
 knows has assembled outside. She moans again and it's very
 convincing.
 
 She leans over and whispers in his ear --
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Gr***. Make it really convincing.
 And manly.
 
 He does so. She extends her palm, impressed. He slaps it
 with his.
 
 
 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
 
 Sure enough, it seems as if most of the party is listening at
 the door - falling all over each other to hear. Nearest to
 the door is the bully, who is pleasantly surprised by the
 noise inside.
 
 
 INT. GUEST ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 Olive reaches into her handbag and pulls out her copy of `The
 Scarlet Letter' and reads it while she makes sex noises.
 Brandon laughs at this and Olive smacks him with it,
 prompting him to stop. She puts her finger over her lips,
 giving him the `Shhhh' sign.
 
 She continues to read as she thrusts her hips, making the bed
 squeak ever so slightly.
 
 BRANDON
 (WHISPERING)
 How long do we have to do this?
 
 OLIVE
 (WHISPERING)
 Depends. Do you wanna be a normal
 adolescent boy or do you wanna be a
 stud?
 
 He moans in his deepest voice. She continues to read,
 crescendoing her moaning like a pro.
 48.
 
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Oh God, Brandon. Don't stop.
 Don't stop. Don't stop, don't
 stop, don't stop.
 
 She takes the top of the headboard and lightly taps it
 against the wall, over and over.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (WHISPERING)
 Now that I think about it, we
 probably don't want to do this for
 too long. It'll give the
 impression that you're having
 difficulty finishing. That's not
 the desired effect.
 
 BRANDON
 (WHISPERING)
 Are you sure you're a virgin?
 
 OLIVE
 (WHISPERING STERNLY)
 Of course I am!
 (LOUDLY )
 Oh, fuck me! Fuck me! Don't stop
 fucking me!
 
 Brandon suppresses a laugh.
 
 
 INT. GUEST ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Olive is disheveling herself. Brandon musses up his hair.
 
 OLIVE
 Hold on.
 
 She unbuttons Brandon's shirt and rebuttons it incorrectly.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Go forth, my son. You're a man
 now.
 
 BRANDON
 Thanks Olive.
 
 He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles.
 
 
 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
 
 The whole crowd, leaning against the wall, quickly disperses
 when the door opens.
 49.
 
 
 The bully immediately hands Brandon a beer and throws his arm
 around him, leading him drunkenly down the hallway, with a
 crew of guys after the dirty details.
 
 Olive looks at this and smiles, satisfied. Then she realizes
 that, though the guys have gone, there are a whole slew of
 girls looking at her completely differently. They avoid her
 eye contact, as one would ward off Medusa.
 
 Olive finds Melanie pretending not to be interested in her.
 
 OLIVE
 Is there a -- ?
 
 MELANIE
 Back entrance is through the
 kitchen.
 
 OLIVE
 Thanks.
 
 She begins her walk of shame down the corridor into the --
 
 
 INT. KITCHEN
 
 -- Where she runs smack-dab into the well-developed chest of
 MEERKAT TODD.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 (POLITELY)
 Sorry.
 
 They make eye contact. Olive is a sick shade of regret.
 
 MEERKAT TODD (CONT'D)
 Oh, hey Olive.
 
 OLIVE
 Hi Todd.
 
 Obviously oblivious to the demonstration that just occurred --
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 How's it going?
 
 OLIVE
 I'M --
 (She doesn't know how she
 IS)
 I'm here.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Can I get you a beer?
 50.
 
 
 OLIVE
 That rhymed.
 
 Olive catches the reflection behind her of a group of guys
 leaning against the co***er, signalling `NO, DON'T DO IT' to
 him behind her back.
 
 She spins around and they instantly pretend to not be paying
 attention. She glares at them.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (Ashamed of herself)
 I should probably go.
 
 She rushes off.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 It was truly my Cindy Mancini
 moment.
 (MELODRAMATICALLY
 REENACTING)
 `You! Even Bobby thinks we went
 out. Great, huh? Ha! All of you
 thought we were a couple. What a
 joke!... Ronald Miller paid me
 1,000 bucks to pretend I liked him.
 What a deal, huh? $1,000 to go out
 with him for a month. This guy. Oh,
 God. He bought me. And he bought
 all of you. He was sick and tired
 of being a nobody. Yeah, and he
 said that all of you guys would
 worship him if we went out. And I
 didn't believe that. I was, like,
 no way! And he was right! No, leave
 me alone. He was right. Our little
 plan worked, didn't it, Ronald? The
 dance. That stupid dance! What a
 bunch of followers you guys are. I
 mean, at least I got... At least I
 got paid.'
 (Sincerely; as herself)
 `Can't Buy Me Love' is one of the
 best movies ever made. Hands down.
 You guys should totally watch it if
 you haven't already. Or even if
 you have. Seriously fine
 filmmaking.
 51.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DAY
 
 Olive lays on her bed watching the scene from `Can't Buy Me
 Love' that she just performed. She eats a candy bar and
 wallows in her self-pity.
 
 OLIVE
 (To the television)
 Oh, Cindy Mancini. It could have
 been a lot worse. Trust me.
 
 Her mom comes in with a nicely-wrapped gift.
 
 ROSEMARY
 That kid from the other night just
 dropped this off for you.
 
 Indicating an empty space on the floor --
 
 OLIVE
 Put it on the pile of gifts from my
 other suitors.
 
 ROSEMARY
 He seems like a nice boy... Gay...
 
 OLIVE
 A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual that
 boy is.
 
 Rosemary puts the gift on the floor.
 
 ROSEMARY
 I dated a homosexual in high
 school.
 
 OLIVE
 We're not dating, Mom.
 
 ROSEMARY
 I just wanted to tell you that if
 you want to date a gay boy, it
 might be hard on your father and I,
 at first. But we love you no
 matter what the sexual orientation
 of your opposite-sex partner.
 
 Rosemary leaves, chuckling at her own joke.
 
 Too curious, Olive opens the gift. She withdraws a PHOTO of
 the BULLY holding BRANDON'S LEGS while he does a KEG STAND.
 She smiles, pleasantly.
 
 She pulls out a PINK VIBRATOR and looks at it quizically.
 52.
 
 
 There's an envelope inside. She opens it and pulls out a
 $200 Gift Card to TARGET.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Cindy Mancini gets $1,000. I get a
 vibrator and a $200 Gift Card to
 Target.
 
 There's a note, which she reads aloud to herself.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Dear Olive, The dildo is just in
 case you don't shop at Target.
 Then you can fuck yourself.
 
 Olive breaks out into riotous laughter. She's genuinely
 touched by this gift.
 
 The phone rings. Thinking it's Brandon, Olive snatches it
 up.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (EXCITEDLY)
 Your package was perfection!
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 So, it's TRUE!
 
 OLIVE
 Rhi?
 
 RHIANNON (O.S.)
 Well, it's not last night's
 conquest!
 
 OLIVE
 You know, I always think it's so
 ridiculous on TV, when someone
 picks up the phone and magically
 seems to know who's going to be on
 the other end. I usually preface a
 conversation with `hello' to avoid
 such banalities. The one time I
 decide to step outside this
 convention... How are you?
 
 
 INT. MALL - DAY
 
 Rhiannon, clutching an enormous Diet Coke, plods through the
 mall with an intensity reserved for girls who just found out
 their best friend had her sophomore sexual exploit and didn't
 bother to tell them.
 53.
 
 
 RHIANNON
 I have many questions, obviously.
 
 
 WE INTERCUT BETWEEN THE TWO LOCATIONS:
 
 OLIVE
 (PLAYFULLY)
 Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa
 Claus. No, in fact, I do NOT know
 the way to San Jose. And - little
 known fact - contrary to popular
 belief, panama hats are not from
 Panama at all! They're from
 Ecuador! Who knew?
 
 RHIANNON
 Now is not the time to be cute.
 
 OLIVE
 You're putting me in a precarious
 position, because --
 (With her best Jackie-O
 VOICE)
 -- `according to last month's
 Cosmopolitan Magazine, we should
 always look cute. Even when we're
 doing mundane activities such as
 choosing vegetables from the
 produce section of our local
 grocery store.'
 
 RHIANNON
 Olive, stop it. This is serious.
 Did you really bang Brandon last
 night at Melanie Dipshit's party?
 
 Olive sighs as she slumps into her pillows.
 
 OLIVE
 Is that what people are saying
 happened?
 
 RHIANNON
 That's what EVERYONE is saying.
 
 OLIVE
 Then I guess it's true.
 
 RHIANNON
 Does this mean you guys are dating?
 
 OLIVE
 God no.
 54.
 
 
 Rhiannon screams in frustration, attracting the attention of
 passing shoppers.
 
 RHIANNON
 Just because you lost your
 virginity doesn't mean you can go
 around screwing everybody!
 
 OLIVE
 (OFF-PUT)
 Uh, thanks Mom. Good talk.
 
 RHIANNON
 You're getting a reputation.
 
 OLIVE
 Y'know, you're really coming off as
 a little pious right now and you're
 kind of pissing me off.
 
 RHIANNON
 Please forgive my rectitude, but I
 think that a best friend's duty is
 to let her know that everyone - and
 I do mean everyone - is calling her
 a cum dumpster.
 
 OLIVE
 Well, do YOU think I'm a cum
 dumpster?
 
 RHIANNON
 Look, baby, I call a spade a spade.
 
 Entering the red zone --
 
 OLIVE
 First off, that's racist.
 Secondly, fuck you! How dare you?
 I was Laura Ingalls to your Lady
 Chatterly and, now all of a sudden,
 YOU feel the need to warn ME that
 I'M making a fool of myself? There
 are a lot of children who will
 never again experience Family Pizza
 Night because of you. So, why
 don't you jump off your high horse
 and splash around in the gutter
 where you belong.
 
 RHIANNON
 I didn't want to believe it, but I
 guess it's true. You're a
 fucktart.
 55.
 
 
 OLIVE
 And you're a jealous virgin.
 
 RHIANNON
 Oh yeah. I totally want to lose my
 virginity to one of --
 (As if it was a disease)
 -- your brother's friends and then
 be the first for a fairy, while
 everyone listens outside! What is
 wrong with you? Does sex mean
 anything to you?
 
 OLIVE
 Yes! It's a period of time, how
 ever short, that I don't have to
 talk to you!
 
 She slams the phone down into the cradle and seethes.
 
 Berlin's `SEX (I'm A...)' plays loudly as...
 
 She goes into her closet and starts, wildly, pulling down
 clothes. She throws them into a big pile in the middle of
 her floor.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into her webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 Rhiannon Abernathy only wishes that
 somebody wanted to pretend to sleep
 with her!
 
 BACK TO:
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
 Olive - visibly upset - is cutting something, meticulously,
 out of RED FABRIC. In fact, she has yards of red fabric
 draped across her lap.
 
 When she finishes the shape, she tosses it behind her and
 begins another one.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - LATER
 
 Olive sews these red scraps to her clothes. When she
 finishes one piece, as before, she tosses it behind her and
 grabs another item from the crumpled wardrobe on her floor.
 56.
 
 
 Time flies and we see the clothing pile rapidly decreasing,
 ***il there are none left.
 
 The song morphs into -- Tommy James and the Shondell's
 `CRIMSON & CLOVER' as we fade into --
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 Clad in sunglasses, fuck-me-boots and looking like a bona
 fide porn star, Olive struts down the halls of her school.
 Sewn across her larger and pushed up breasts is
 
 A FIERY RED `A'
 
 (NOTE: For the rest of the film, every piece of Olive's
 clothing will be emblazoned with a RED A.)
 
 Erections are popping up all along the halls, as well as
 looks of total disbelief from the girls.
 
 She works it like a Debbie Who Just Did Dallas, D�sseldorf,
 Des Moines, Daytona, Detroit and Darfur.
 
 Up ahead, Rhiannon is yakking with a semi-attractive guy
 named ANSON (17). She catches sight of Olive and her jaw
 drops.
 
 Olive sidles up to Anson, much to Rhiannon's chagrin.
 
 OLIVE
 Hey, Anson.
 
 ANSON
 (NERVOUS)
 Hi.
 
 OLIVE
 (Breathy and aping Marilyn
 MONROE)
 I just realized the funniest thing.
 My name is an anagram for `I
 love...'
 
 ANSON
 (STUTTERING)
 What's an anagram?
 
 OLIVE
 Look it up, big boy.
 
 She rubs her knee, seductively, along his inner thigh, turns
 and licks her lips at a repulsed Rhiannon and continues on
 her way.
 57.
 
 
 INT. CAFETERIA - LUNCH LINE - LATER
 
 Anything sexually suggestive you can do with school cafeteria
 food, Olive does as she makes her way through the lunch line,
 as guys ogle her.
 
 Marianne, also present in the line, watches her in
 repugnance.
 
 
 INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY
 
 Olive emerges from the GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM, dressed for gym
 class. A TERRIFIED FAT KID named EVAN nervously approaches
 her.
 
 EVAN
 Hey Olive.
 
 OLIVE
 Hi Evan.
 
 EVAN
 Can I talk to you for a second?
 
 He gestures for her to follow him underneath the bleachers.
 She reluctantly does so.
 
 EVAN (CONT'D)
 (WHISPERING)
 Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
 what you did for him.
 
 OLIVE
 Well, rest assured, it was equally
 as thrilling for me.
 
 EVAN
 No, he told me the truth.
 
 She's pissed. She silently seethes.
 
 EVAN (CONT'D)
 And I was just hoping that maybe
 you could do the same for me?
 
 OLIVE
 (Through clenched teeth)
 Walk away, Evan.
 
 Evan starts to talk, but she raises her hand to silence him.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 RUN away, Evan.
 58.
 
 
 EVAN
 I can pay you, too.
 
 OLIVE
 I'm about six seconds away from
 slapping you so hard that your
 unborn grandchildren will feel it.
 
 EVAN
 (Excited at the prospect)
 Can you do it in front of everyone?
 
 Olive turns and starts to leave. Evan summons up his courage
 and meekly states to her back.
 
 EVAN (CONT'D)
 I don't need your permission, you
 know.
 
 She turns around and gives him a look of death. He can't
 look at her.
 
 EVAN (CONT'D)
 I mean, at the rate you're going,
 I'm just saying I don't think
 anyone would not believe it.
 
 OLIVE
 Are you threatening me?
 
 EVAN
 I'll give you $500.
 
 OLIVE
 You're repugnant.
 
 EVAN
 (Indicating his body)
 That's the problem.
 
 And once again Olive feels too sorry for him to say no.
 
 OLIVE
 I want five hundred dollars in gift
 certificate form deposited in my
 locker before noon tomorrow.
 Preferably `The Gap,' but I'll also
 take Amazon.com. We did NOT have
 sex. I was piss-ass drunk and I
 let you fondle my chest and it was
 a glorious moment for you,
 unmatched by anything you've
 heretofore experienced, including
 cake. Got it?
 59.
 
 
 EVAN
 Five hundred bucks for just feeling
 you up? Doesn't that seem a little
 steep to you? Can you throw in
 SOME
 (Mispronouncing it; as if
 it rhymed with `cottage')
 frottage?
 
 OLIVE
 (CORRECTING HIM)
 It's fraw-TAHZH, dumbass.
 (BUCKLING)
 Fine. But it was so good, you
 lasted only twelve seconds and I
 better not find out that little
 pecker of yours EVER came out of
 your pants. Take it or leave it.
 
 EVAN
 Little pecker? Nuh-uh. For five
 hundred dollars, it was ungodly
 huge. You even commented on the
 unusual girth for a guy my age.
 
 OLIVE
 I was too drunk to remember.
 
 EVAN
 Three minutes.
 
 OLIVE
 Two.
 
 He extends his hand.
 
 EVAN
 Deal.
 
 She, repulsed by it, shakes his hand. Evan's ecstatic.
 
 OLIVE
 The sad thing is, Evan, if you had
 been a gentleman and asked me out
 on a date, I probably would have
 said yes.
 
 EVAN
 Really? Do you want to go on a
 date?
 
 With zero vitriol --
 60.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Not now, I don't.
 
 Sad for him, she walks away.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 Evan, if you're watching this -
 shame on you. I hope you never
 treat another girl the way you
 treated me or you will die alone,
 wishing it was because you're fat.
 And since we're playing the shame
 game... While I appreciate the
 sentiment, Lewis, a pretend hand
 job should have warranted a little
 more than a hundred dollars worth
 of AMC Movie Passes. They had an
 expiration date AND were only able
 to be used for movies that had been
 running for two weeks. But even
 that's better than Tyler Jennings,
 who gave me a ten percent off
 coupon to Bath and Body Works.
 Seriously. A fucking coupon. Is
 that how good my imaginary blow job
 was to you? Huh? Is chivalry
 dead? I want John Cusack holding a
 boombox outside my window. I want
 Richard Gere climbing up my fire
 escape with the limo waiting
 downstairs. I want to ride off on
 a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey.
 Although, I'm ashamed to admit I'd
 prefer him to look like he looks
 now. What woman wouldn't? But no.
 I get to save two fifty on a bottle
 of Juniper Breeze Hand Lotion.
 Maybe chivalry isn't dead, but it's
 in a coma and the prognosis isn't
 good.
 (Beat.)
 So, if you're still with me - and
 I'm guessing that most of you are -
 I now present to you Part Four: How
 I, Olive Penderghast, Went From
 Assumed Trollop To an Actual Home-
 wrecker.
 61.
 
 
 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
 
 Mr. Griffin is alone grading papers. Olive pokes her head
 in.
 
 OLIVE
 You wanted to see me?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 Yeah, Olive. Come cop a squat.
 
 She takes a seat opposite his desk. He points to the RED "A"
 on her chest.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 What are you doing?
 
 OLIVE
 Accessorizing?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 Olive, Olive, Olive. Do you think
 that maybe you're reading a little
 too much into this assignment?
 
 OLIVE
 Well, I'm really hoping to get an
 A.
 (She points to her chest)
 Get it? Get it?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 I'm hearing things.
 
 She takes a deep breath.
 
 OLIVE
 The rumors are true. I am, in
 fact, considering becoming an
 existentialist.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 You know what I'm talking about.
 
 OLIVE
 Geez, since when did teachers
 become privy to idle, adolescent
 gossip?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 I guess it wouldn't matter so much
 if I didn't like you. You're a
 great girl and I happen to think
 that all of
 (MORE)
 62.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 (Indicating her outfit)
 `this' is just an act. I'm just
 curious why you're doing it.
 
 Olive drops her defenses and gets real.
 
 OLIVE
 Have you ever decided just to play
 along? Because it's maybe easier
 than fighting tooth-and-nail to
 defend it?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 I just don't want to see this
 (He searches for the word)
 damage you.
 
 OLIVE
 You know, I think you should give
 me extra credit for going the extra
 mile. I'm really attempting to
 understand this puritanical
 ostracism.
 
 Mr. Griffin smiles at her.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 Hey, I'm really sorry I had to send
 you to the Principal. If you tell
 anybody, I'll deny it, but I really
 wanted to cheer with the rest of
 the class.
 
 OLIVE
 (SMILING; INNOCENTLY)
 You know I won't tell.
 
 She gets up and leaves, but passes in the doorway, a
 BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (To the woman)
 Hey Mrs. Griffin.
 
 Pretending to know who she is --
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Hi! How are you?
 
 OLIVE
 (Pointing to the `A')
 A is for Awesome.
 
 Olive disappears into the empty halls.
 63.
 
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 I've never seen that girl before in
 my life.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 That doesn't surprise me.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 I'm the guidance counselor. I
 should know all of the students.
 Especially the ones dressed like
 that.
 
 He kisses her.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 She's just going through a phase.
 (He gets an idea)
 Hey, do you think you could talk to
 her? Maybe you could get her to --
 I dunno -
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Sure. Yeah, whatever. Oh wait!
 That's not the girl that everyone's
 talking about, is it?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 `Fraid so.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Oh, this'll be good. That snotty
 office aid has been bitching about
 her incessantly.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 It's all lies. Talk to her. Maybe
 that's all she needs.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 What are you making for dinner
 tonight?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 Is it my turn?
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Sure is. I'm meeting up with the
 girls at happy hour.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 Don't have too much fun.
 64.
 
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 I never do.
 
 He kisses her.
 
 
 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
 
 Assembled in a semi-circle, a handful of WELL-DRESSED
 CHRISTIAN KIDS open their meeting of the CROSS YOUR HEART
 CLUB with prayer. Marianne, of course, leads them in this
 ritual. Nina is also present.
 
 MARIANNE
 Heavenly Father, watch over us with
 Your all-encompassing love. Keep
 us on the path toward Your
 righteousness and eternal
 salvation.
 
 They all smile, say `AMEN' and open their eyes.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 Guys. We have a problem.
 
 NINA
 Amen to THAT.
 
 MARIANNE
 Olive Penderghast. We need to pray
 for her, but we also need to get
 rid of her. I'm sure, by now,
 you've all heard about what
 happened at Melanie Bostic's party.
 
 CHRISTIAN KID #1
 I was there. I heard the whole
 thing.
 
 Marianne eyes him, suspiciously.
 
 MARIANNE
 That's not something you need to
 advertise, Kurt.
 
 KURT
 (SHEEPISHLY)
 Sorry.
 
 MARIANNE
 See, herein lies the problem: She's
 doing these tasteless, immoral acts
 in plain view of the entire student
 body.
 (MORE)
 65.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 She's in direct opposition to
 everything we're trying to do for
 this school, which is make it a
 wholesome learning environment and
 a place where our children will one
 day flourish the way that we are.
 (Beat.)
 She was sent to the Principal's
 office last week --
 
 NINA
 (INTERRUPTING)
 She called me a really hurtful
 name.
 
 MARIANNE
 -- and I tried to witness to her,
 but she's defiant to any sort of
 help.
 
 She tears up.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 I don't know what to do, but
 something's got to be done.
 
 Her boyfriend, MICAH (17) takes her hand and holds it. She
 leans against his shoulder, wiping away tears. Nina, on the
 other side of her, begins rubbing her shoulder,
 sympathetically.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 Does anybody here think that they
 can talk to her in a way that might
 get her to see that what she's
 doing is wrong?
 
 She suddenly bursts into sobs. (And these aren't crocodile
 tears. She is flooded with emotion.)
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 I'm sorry. This is so stupid.
 
 MICAH
 No, it's not, Marianne.
 
 She wipes her tears away.
 
 MARIANNE
 Jesus tells us to love everyone.
 Even the whores and the
 homosexuals, but it's so hard.
 (MORE)
 66.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 It's so hard, because they just
 keep doing `it' over and over
 again.
 
 She takes Micah and Nina's hands, the rest of the group
 follows suit.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 Make me a promise. Make GOD a
 promise right here and now that we
 will remain pure and chaste ***il
 marriage.
 (Looking to Micah)
 ***il our love is proven holy in
 His eyes.
 
 ALL
 We promise.
 
 MARIANNE
 Let's continue to pray for Olive
 Penderghast. That either she sees
 that what she's doing is a sin and
 changes her behavior or that she
 gets the hell out of our school.
 
 They all squeeze hands and Marianne manages a smile.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 Awww, I love you guys. God loves
 you guys.
 
 
 EXT. PARKING LOT - BARBARA BUSH HIGH - DAY
 
 Marianne gives Micah a strictly PG-rated kiss against his
 car. They're nauseatingly wholesome.
 
 
 INT. FRONT OFFICE - NEXT DAY
 
 Olive is sitting in the office, dressed just as slutty as the
 day before. A RED "A" sewn onto her top.
 
 Marianne is behind the desk, sharpening pencils. After each
 one, she observes the point with a scary satisfaction.
 
 They exchange a few hateful glances at each other.
 
 Mrs. Griffin pokes her head out of her office.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Hey Olive. Wanna come in?
 67.
 
 
 Olive, in no mood for this, drags herself up dramatically and
 follows Mrs. Griffin into --
 
 
 INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Mrs. Griffin sits behind her desk and Olive sits opposite
 her.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 So, the reason I called you down
 here is just so that we could -
 sort of, y'know - chat about what's
 going on.
 (Beat.)
 There's been some concern from
 faculty members.
 
 OLIVE
 (CORRECTING HER)
 Your husband.
 
 Mrs. Griffin shifts uncomfortably in her chair. There's
 something a little unnerving about this kid's awareness.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Olive, you're attempting to make a
 statement. We get that. I'm just
 confused as to what exactly it is.
 
 OLIVE
 Am I in trouble? I promise the hem
 of my dress isn't higher than my
 fingertips.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 You're not in trouble, Olive. I
 just wanted you to know that if
 there was something you maybe
 needed to talk about, that you
 could trust me.
 
 OLIVE
 If I open up to you, do you promise
 this stays in confidence?
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Yes.
 
 OLIVE
 (CONFESSIONAL)
 I watch `American Idol.' Do NOT
 tell anyone.
 68.
 
 
 Mrs. Griffin rolls her eyes.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I have a reputation to uphold.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Don't you, though?
 
 Olive assesses this statement from her.
 
 OLIVE
 We done? If I can think of any
 angsty things to report, you'll be
 the first to know.
 
 She winks at her.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 This has been so much fun that I'm
 actually - at this very moment -
 considering meth addiction, just so
 I can come back and we can jaw some
 more.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 (BITINGLY)
 Or you could always get pregnant?
 
 OLIVE
 I'm probably closer than either of
 us thinks...
 
 Mrs. Griffin digs in her purse and pulls out a handful of
 CONDOMS. Feigning excitement --
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Propho-tastic!
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Please don't tell anyone I gave you
 these. The school board is --
 
 OLIVE
 Puritanical and oppressive?
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Conservative.
 
 Olive sees that Mrs. Griffin is genuinely concerned.
 
 OLIVE
 I don't need those.
 69.
 
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 (STERNLY)
 But you do.
 
 Olive starts to confess, but then just takes the rubbers and
 puts them in her own purse.
 
 OLIVE
 Thank you.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Remember: our little secret. And,
 hey, would you send in the next
 person?
 
 Mrs. Griffin smiles at Olive as she leaves.
 
 
 INT. FRONT OFFICE - BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
 
 Marianne is talking to Micah, who seems distressed. He rubs
 his eyes, like he's been crying. Olive is surprised to see
 him there.
 
 OLIVE
 You're up, hoss.
 
 MARIANNE
 (Concerned; To Micah)
 It's going to be okay.
 
 She gives him a reassuring smile and he walks into her
 office.
 
 OLIVE
 (TO MARIANNE)
 Let me guess: drugs.
 
 Marianne gives her a `go away' look.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I didn't know Christians believed
 in guidance counsellors.
 (Beat.)
 Ooo! Ooo! Is your boyfriend
 struggling with his sexuality?
 
 Marianne begins crying.
 
 MARIANNE
 No, you insensitive rhymes-with-
 witch! His parents are going
 THROUGH A
 (MORE)
 70.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 (WHISPERED)
 divorce!
 
 She begins sobbing uncontrollably. Olive, not sure what to
 do, goes around the co***er and hugs her. Marianne just
 cries on her shoulder.
 
 OLIVE
 It's okay, Marianne.
 (Not sure what to say)
 Sometimes our boyfriend's parents
 get divorced. It's just important
 to know that it's not your fault.
 
 MARIANNE
 (Through her tears)
 They go to our church! Imagine
 what people will say!
 
 Olive didn't expect this embrace to last this long.
 
 OLIVE
 I have to go now. Are you going to
 be okay?
 
 Into Olive's shoulder --
 
 MARIANNE
 Mrs. Griffin is going to fix
 everything. She's amazing. I know
 that she's going to help Micah
 through this time and everything's
 going to be okay.
 
 OLIVE
 Yeah. Everything's going to be
 okay.
 
 Marianne pulls away and wipes tears from her eyes.
 
 MARIANNE
 Why are you being so nice to me?
 
 OLIVE
 Isn't that what we're supposed to
 do? Hey, it's your boss's rules.
 
 This triggers even more wails from Marianne , who grabs Olive
 and squeezes her tightly.
 
 MARIANNE
 I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for
 everything I said.
 (MORE)
 71.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 I want to be friends. PLEASE.
 PLEASE be my friend.
 
 Olive is really confused by this display and is about to say
 something snide, but thinks better of it and replies with a
 very heartfelt --
 
 OLIVE
 Absolutely.
 
 Marianne pulls away again and manages to smile at her,
 warmly.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 And for a day, we were actually
 really good friends. I was really
 starting to think that things were
 going to turn around.
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
 burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 But then I unwittingly gave her
 boyfriend a venerial disease...
 
 Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
 people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
 
 It's the slap heard `round the school.
 
 
 INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
 
 Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office. Tear-streaked, Mrs.
 Griffin is packing her things into a cardboard box. It's as
 if her world has just collapsed.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 ...And caused the break-up of Mr.
 and Mrs. Griffin...
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 (SNAPPING)
 What?! What do you want?
 
 Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
 look at her.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 Just go!
 72.
 
 
 She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
 box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
 
 Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
 what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave.
 
 
 EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
 with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
 wooden stakes that say things like:
 
 EXPEL OLIVE!
 
 EXODUS 20:14
 
 SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
 
 OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
 
 Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 So, I guess I shouldn't be too
 shocked that these people wanted my
 diseased, home-wrecking ass out of
 there.
 
 The scene is a maelstrom of anger and piety.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Olive laughs.
 
 OLIVE
 The funny thing is: the whole time
 this shit was going down - people
 calling me something I knew wasn't
 true, my best friend included - I
 couldn't help but think how I could
 have come up with better signs. No
 one even bothered to use
 alliteration or, God forbid, irony -
 not even a single acronym - and
 that seems a lot more unforgivable
 than my sins.
 73.
 
 
 INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY
 
 Olive enters a Catholic Church. It's empty, but there are a
 few CANDLES burning. She sees the CONFESSIONAL BOOTH and
 makes a beeline toward it.
 
 She takes a deep breath and enters.
 
 
 INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
 
 She sits down and begins to talk to the screen.
 
 OLIVE
 Forgive me, father, for I have
 sinned. I think that's how you're
 supposed to start these things.
 I'm only going on what I've seen in
 the movies. Then, I think I'm
 supposed to tell you how long it's
 been since my last confession, but
 that's kind of my first confession.
 I'm not Catholic. I really don't
 know what I'm supposed to do,
 except sit here in this booth and
 tell you what I've done wrong.
 Where do I even start?
 (Beat.)
 I've been pretending to be a -- how
 would one phrase it in Catholic
 words? A harlot. It's not like
 I've actually been doing the things
 that people are saying I'm doing,
 but - then again - I'm not denying
 them, so I've just been wondering:
 is that wrong? There's a lot of
 shi -- `crap' going down at my
 school which may or may not be
 indirectly because of this
 masquerade.
 (Beat.)
 I'm lying. I may have caused the
 end of a marriage. I thought, in
 my own perverse way, that I could
 help it. I mean, in my defense, I
 am merely an adolescent. I should
 never have been propositioned in
 the way I was propositioned by an
 adult. But then again, I should
 never have consented. It was just
 that a lot of people had been
 asking me to do things and I
 thought it was okay, because it
 wasn't real.
 (MORE)
 74.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 It was make-believe and no one was
 getting hurt. But a lot of people
 hate me now. I kind of hate me,
 too.
 
 There's a long silence. Olive tears up and wipes them away.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I could be wrong, but aren't you
 supposed to say something or ask me
 questions. Tell me to say `Hail
 Marys'? Hello?
 
 She looks through the screen. There's no one there.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Oh, come on!
 
 She throws the curtain to the booth open and stomps out.
 
 
 EXT. CATHEDRAL PARKING LOT - DAY
 
 Olive, upset at herself, gets into her car and drives off.
 But just a few blocks down the street to --
 
 
 EXT. PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
 
 She parks her car and gets out to try a different
 denomination.
 
 
 INT. CHURCH OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Olive enters to find a SWEET, PORTLY RECEPTIONIST (50's)
 searching through RELIGIOUS CLIP-ART on her COMPUTER,
 attempting to find the perfect image for the church
 newsletter.
 
 The lady smiles, acknowledging Olive.
 
 OLIVE
 Hi. I was wondering if the
 minister was around.
 
 RECEPTIONIST
 Pastor McGreevey is on vacation
 this week. But our associate
 pastor is in. Would you like to
 speak to him?
 
 For her own entertainment, Olive matches the receptionist's
 enthusiasm level.
 75.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Actually, that would be fantastic!
 
 RECEPTIONIST
 Can I tell him what this is
 regarding?
 
 OLIVE
 Absolutely. I'm looking for a
 church to join and I thought he
 might be able to sell me on this
 fine establishment.
 
 The receptionist joyfully snatches up the phone.
 
 RECEPTIONIST
 Don, there's a young lady here who
 would like to speak with you about
 joining.
 
 She listens and then hangs up.
 
 RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D)
 (Pointing to an office)
 You can go right in.
 
 OLIVE
 If everyone here is as friendly as
 you, I think we might be in
 business.
 
 She winks at the receptionist and enters --
 
 
 INT. ASSOCIATE PASTOR'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
 
 ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (40's) is a gangly, unattractive -
 borderline creepy - man. He invites Olive to have a seat.
 
 ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
 Hello there, young lady. My name
 is Don.
 
 He extends his hand, which she shakes politely.
 
 ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON (CONT'D)
 How can I help you today?
 
 OLIVE
 I'm new to the area. Looking for a
 church - hopefully something with a
 strong fellowship, a firm foot in
 the soil of...
 (MORE)
 76.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 divinity and was wondering what
 your church's stance on lying and
 adultery was?
 
 Don seems taken aback by the question.
 
 ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
 Well. It's not a good thing.
 
 OLIVE
 Oh, I agree. Wholeheartedly. But
 tell me: assuming there is a hell --
 
 ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
 Ma'am, the Presbyterian Church
 recognizes the existence of hell.
 
 OLIVE
 Right. Okay. Let's say hell
 exists. Which is worse - lying or
 adultery? Or is lying about
 adultery like a double whammy?
 
 ASSOCIATE PASTOR DON
 I'm sorry, ma'am, I -- What did you
 say your name was?
 
 At that moment, Olive looks at his desk and sees a FRAMED
 FAMILY PHOTO. Smiling big are Associate Pastor Don, his
 wife, A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA and his lovely
 DAUGHTER --
 
 MARIANNE BRYANT.
 
 She jumps up from her chair and recoils at the sight of the
 picture and the stupid mistake she made by coming there.
 
 OLIVE
 You know what. I think I'm just
 going to go and check out Judaism.
 
 Backing up toward the door.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 The Jews and I have a lot in
 common. Fashion-wise. And stuff.
 So, thank you for your time.
 
 She bolts from his office.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Olive speaks into her webcam --
 77.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Yes. I had unwittingly sought
 advice from the father of the
 leader of my lynch mob. Who else
 can say that's happened to them?
 (Beat.)
 As much as I want to say I hate
 Marianne. I don't. I get her.
 Well, I get certain things about
 her. She's passionate. Like
 myself. She always thinks she's
 right. Like myself. And, yeah, I
 can kind of understand why she
 slapped me that day. Here's what
 happened...
 
 
 INT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY
 
 Marianne, excitedly, runs over to Olive who is just getting
 to school and throws her arms around her.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Remember how I said that we were
 BFFs for, like, a day. Well,
 that's true. It was like we were
 sisters all of a sudden.
 
 Marianne can't seem to break the embrace and Olive just goes
 with it.
 
 
 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
 
 Olive sits in class. Marianne passes a note back to her.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 She wrote me a note in first
 period.
 
 Olive reads it. It says: Hey girlie! You wanna hang out
 after school today? Kisses! Marianne
 
 Marianne looks back and Olive gives her the thumbs up.
 
 Across the room, Rhi sees this exchange and sneers.
 
 
 INT. CHEMISTRY LAB - LATER
 
 Marianne is working with her partner, Evan. She turns to
 Olive behind them and makes a gagging signal behind his back
 and laughs silently.
 78.
 
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 By second period, it was like we
 had private jokes.
 
 Olive, unaware of how to respond, gives another thumbs up.
 
 
 INT. HOME EC CLASSROOM - LATER
 
 Olive sees Marianne come into class, tear-streaked. She runs
 over to Olive and again throws her arms around her.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Tragedy struck in third period.
 
 MARIANNE
 Micah's in the hospital. He's in
 so much pain! The nurse didn't
 know what was wrong.
 
 Olive just holds her new friend, as she had the day before.
 
 OLIVE
 He'll be okay.
 
 MARIANNE
 (Tears glistening in her
 EYES)
 Really?
 
 Olive guides Marianne's head back to her shoulder.
 
 
 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
 
 Marianne's boyfriend, Micah, writhes in pain on a hospital
 bed, clutching his crotch. His worried MOTHER (40's) is
 beside him, clutching her chest with one hand and trying to
 soothe him with the other.
 
 MICAH
 It hurts so bad.
 
 A DOCTOR enters, with a satisfied smile and a diagnosis.
 
 DOCTOR
 Chlamydia.
 
 Micah and his mother both look up in shock. His mother takes
 both of her hands and begins slapping him, uncontrollably.
 79.
 
 
 MICAH'S MOTHER
 How did you get chlamydia? Who
 have you been sleeping with? Tell
 me! TELL ME!
 
 Micah, in pain from the burning sensation and his mother's
 hands flying at astonishing speed shouts out:
 
 MICAH
 Olive! Olive Penderghast!
 
 His mother's face fills with satisfaction.
 
 
 INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Micah's mother is on her cell phone.
 
 MICAH'S MOTHER
 (ANGRILY)
 Olive Penderghast.
 
 She folds her phone up and slips it into her purse.
 
 
 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
 
 The woman on the other end of the phone -- A WOMAN WITH A
 SMILE THE SIZE OF MONTANA -- who we've seen in the Bryant
 family photo, hangs up. Only this time, her smile is a
 disgusted grimace.
 
 She picks up the phone and dials a number. She is,
 animatedly, talking to the person on the other end of the
 line, while Olive narrates.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Fourth period was when Marianne had
 office duty. Her duties included
 typing, stapling, filing and --
 
 
 INT. FRONT OFFICE - DAY
 
 Marianne is on the phone, listening, with mouth agape.
 Undoubtedly, she's just heard from her mother that her
 boyfriend has chlamydia.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 -- answering the phones.
 
 MARIANNE
 CHLAMYDIA!!
 80.
 
 
 She screams so loud that Mrs. Griffin comes out of her
 office, a panicked expression on her face.
 
 
 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
 
 Seething, Marianne's mother says into the phone --
 
 A WOMAN WITH A SMILE THE SIZE OF
 MONTANA
 Olive Penderghast.
 
 She hears a slam and then a dial tone.
 
 
 INT. FRONT OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Marianne clutches the phone in the cradle with enough force
 that it looks like the receiver will shatter in her hands.
 Mrs. Griffin looks worried.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Are you okay, hon?
 
 Like a teapot about to start expelling steam, Marianne
 quivers in rage. Finally, at boiling point, she shouts --
 
 MARIANNE
 THAT --
 
 But her long string of profanities is muffled by the long
 ringing of the school bell. Mrs. Griffin is taken aback by
 Marianne's umbrage.
 
 As we saw before --
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 Marianne, angry as hell, stomps through the hall with hatred
 burning in her eyes and coursing through her veins.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 Okay, I exaggerated. We were just
 BFFs for, like, a half-a-day.
 
 Marianne stops in front of Olive and slaps her so hard that
 people in the hallways stop, dead in their tracks.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (Clutching her face)
 MutherFUCKer!
 81.
 
 
 Rhi, who was loading books in her locker, sees this and
 happily slams her locker shut. Breezing past her --
 
 RHIANNON
 My sentiments exactly...
 
 OLIVE
 (SNIDELY)
 Oh, grow up!
 
 But Rhi keeps on walking.
 
 
 EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY
 
 Micah's on his cell phone, anxiously talking to someone -
 checking every few seconds to see if his mom is on her way
 out.
 
 MICAH
 (Into the cell phone)
 I didn't know what to say! I
 panicked! I said I got it from
 Olive Penderghast.
 (Pause.)
 I know, but what was I supposed to
 say?! And then my mom called her
 mom.
 (Pause.)
 No, not Olive's. Marianne's!
 (Pause.)
 I already tried to blame it on
 their divorce, but my mom's not
 buying it. I have to tell them.
 (Pause.)
 Okay. But I love you. I don't
 care if you gave me chlamydia. I
 LOVE YOU and I want to be with you
 and no one can stop us. Not my
 mother, not Marianne, not --
 
 There's a dial tone.
 
 
 INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
 
 Mrs. Griffin has just hung up on her teenage lover and begins
 freaking out. She grabs a cardboard box and begins throwing
 items into it.
 
 Olive bursts into Mrs. Griffin's office and sees Mrs. Griffin
 packing her things.
 
 As we saw before --
 82.
 
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 (SNAPPING)
 What?! What do you want?
 
 Olive starts to say something, but Mrs. Griffin can't even
 look at her.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 Just go!
 
 She throws a framed photo of her and Mr. Griffin into the
 box. It shatters. Mrs. Griffin falls apart.
 
 Olive starts to say something again, but she doesn't know
 what to say, so she sheepishly turns to leave --
 
 -- and then feels awkward.
 
 OLIVE
 I'm sorry, I was just looking for
 Marianne. Did she say something
 about being mad at me? She just
 smacked the shi -- `crap' out of
 me.
 
 This makes Mrs. Griffin cry even harder. She attempts to
 pull herself together.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 It's my fault. I'm so sorry,
 Olive.
 
 Olive looks at her, quizzically.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 (SOTTO VOCE)
 I fucked up. I fucking fucked up
 SO fucking bad. I'm a fucking....
 Fuck.
 
 OLIVE
 Don't get me wrong. I love it, but
 I don't think you're supposed to
 use those words around a student.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Yeah, well, you're not to supposed
 to fuck them, either. But it
 didn't stop me.
 
 Olive puts two and two together in her head. She gasps a
 little louder than she planned.
 83.
 
 
 OLIVE
 You and -- Oh my God. I'm not
 judging you or anything, but oh my
 God.
 (SWITCHING GEARS)
 Wait. What does that have to do
 with me?
 
 Mrs. Griffin walks over and locks her office door. She
 fights back more tears, as she tries to explain to Olive.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 My guidance counselor, who had only
 days before armed me with a latex
 bulletproof vest, told me that she
 had chlamydia and that she had been
 screwing around with her office
 aide's boyfriend under the guise of
 divorce counseling. She confided
 in me that she and her husband - my
 favorite teacher - were having
 marital problems, that they hadn't
 slept together in months. She
 assured me that she had never meant
 for anything to happen with Micah.
 She confessed to me how when she
 was a child she always dreamt of
 being Maria Von Trapp, not Mary Kay
 Letorneau. Micah had panicked and
 used me as a scapegoat - to save
 her job and her marriage. She
 assured me that she would make sure
 everyone knew the truth and
 apologized.
 
 Mrs. Griffin stops talking and waits for Olive to speak.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 And I bought it.
 
 Olive gives her a reassuring smile, steps up to the plate and
 offers up a solution.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I could have chlamydia. And I
 could easily have given it to
 Micah. That time we slept
 together. Who knows? Often times
 women don't have symptoms and I
 have been whoring around....
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 No you haven't.
 84.
 
 
 Olive looks at her, puzzled by her knowledge.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 (LOOKING AWAY)
 Because a real whore can't admit it
 to herself, let alone others.
 
 She begins to weep.
 
 Olive puts her hand on Mrs. Griffin's shoulder.
 
 OLIVE
 Call Micah. Tell him I said he's
 an asshole and that he owes me SO
 big for this and also the time I
 pretended not to see him during a
 third grade game of hide and seek.
 Tell him I still remember that.
 But tell him that I confessed to
 giving him chlamydia.
 
 Mrs. Griffin grabs Olive and cries on her.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 And it's not really my place to say
 this, but I figure after the
 conversation we just had, I can
 speak candidly. Your husband is
 HOT and while the male adolescent
 can fuck like a bunny... who really
 wants to fuck a bunny? If I was
 you, I'd go home and seduce him and
 pretend this never happened.
 
 Olive strokes her guidance counselor's hair.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 (SNIVELING)
 Do you want some more condoms?
 
 OLIVE
 (MATERNALLY)
 No, you keep them.
 
 She strokes her hair.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 So, really how could I be angry at
 Marianne?
 (MORE)
 85.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Dude, if some bimbo gave MY
 boyfriend an STD, I'd have swung,
 but I'd have balled my fist.
 (WHIMSICALLY)
 My boyfriend.
 (She gets lost in the
 THOUGHT)
 With all the mythical play I was
 getting, it's a wonder - and
 probably a miracle - that I still
 hadn't actually been asked out on a
 real date. Guys were clamoring to
 claim that they'd slept with me,
 but no one was putting the real
 moves on me. ***il finally...
 
 
 EXT. PLAYGROUND - YEARS BEFORE
 
 Two LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLS (Olive and Rhiannon) chase a
 LITTLE BOY all over the playground, desperate to kiss him.
 
 They plot and plan to corner him, but he's just too fast.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 It was really Rhiannon who had a
 crush on him. She has since we
 were kids.
 
 Rhiannon finally catches him and kiss him on the cheek.
 Repulsed, he wipes his face.
 
 Rhiannon and Olive high five each other.
 
 
 INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
 
 Olive eats her lunch and yuks it up with a table full of
 guys. Rhiannon sits at a different table, mostly comprised
 of girls, and glares at her from across the room.
 
 The bell rings and the students begin getting up and making
 their way toward the exit.
 
 Anson (who we saw earlier with Rhiannon in the hallways)
 approaches Olive.
 
 ANSON
 Hey Olive.
 
 Olive smiles sweetly at him.
 86.
 
 
 ANSON (CONT'D)
 I was wondering if you were busy
 tonight. Maybe wanna go out or
 something?
 
 OLIVE
 (SUSPICIOUS)
 What did you have in mind?
 
 ANSON
 I dunno. I was thinking about
 chartering a hot air balloon,
 taking along a bottle of champagne
 and fresh fruit and then trying to
 impress you with an overzealous
 reading of Emily Dickinson.
 
 OLIVE
 (COYLY)
 Why, Anson, are you inviting me to
 accompany you to a romantic dinner
 at the Red Lobster?
 
 ANSON
 Unequivocally.
 
 OLIVE
 (IMPRESSED)
 Nice. Yeah. I'll have dinner with
 you.
 
 Olive walks off
 
 
 INT. RED LOBSTER - NIGHT
 
 Olive and Anson sit in a booth at a dimly-lit RED LOBSTER.
 Olive looks beautiful. The `A' on her shirt is sequined.
 
 OLIVE
 I can't believe you brought me to
 the nicest restaurant in town.
 This is swank. I was beginning to
 think that there was no such thing
 as class.
 
 ANSON
 Yeah. What's better than getting
 to select your dinner and have nice
 conversation while they boil it
 alive in the back?
 87.
 
 
 OLIVE
 I think Anson Jr. doesn't mind
 making the sacrifice. You don't
 mind that I named him Anson Jr., do
 you?
 
 ANSON
 Not at all. I'm actually kind of
 honored.
 
 OLIVE
 Do you believe this whole thing
 about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
 
 ANSON
 (Lying out his ass)
 I didn't know it was.
 
 OLIVE
 Y'know, medical science has not
 substantiated claims that any
 particular food increases sexual
 desire or performance. It's so
 funny when guys ply women with food
 that they think is gonna get them
 laid. I mean, what's really sexy
 about slurping back oysters? You
 know, native people believed that
 you gained the strength of the
 animal by consuming it. Some
 people grind up rhinoceros horn,
 because it's thought to stiffen the
 male sex organ. It's all bullshit.
 And spanish fly? It's pulverized
 beetle that people eat! Although,
 it's illegal for human consumption
 in the United States and do you
 know why? Because if you take just
 a bit too much, it causes painful
 urination, fever and bloody
 discharge.
 
 A SERVER appears with their LOBSTER. Anson is an odd shade
 of green from Olive's little science lesson.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Yum!
 
 The server leaves them and Olive digs in. Anson is feeling
 nauseous and can't touch his.
 
 From across the restaurant, a PARADE OF SERVERS enters from
 the back, enthusiastically clapping and holding a cupcake.
 88.
 
 
 Leading the brigade is Meerkat Todd, who's wearing a RED FOAM
 LOBSTER HAT.
 
 With as much spirit, as he has as a meerkat --
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 I don't know but I've been told!
 
 PARADE OF SERVERS
 I don't know but I've been told!
 
 He leads them through to another part of the restaurant.
 
 OLIVE
 (TO ANSON)
 I didn't know Meerkat Todd worked
 here! And he's a lobster! I
 wonder if I should start calling
 him Lobster Todd.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Marguerite is getting old!
 
 PARADE OF SERVERS
 Marguerite is getting old!
 
 They land at the table of the birthday girl. Olive cranes
 her neck to see --
 
 Rhiannon, miserable of course, sitting with her parents at a
 table in the next room. Olive immediately becomes uneasy.
 
 OLIVE
 Shit!
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 The best thing is her dessert is
 free!
 
 PARADE OF SERVERS
 The best thing is her dessert is
 free!
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 The worst thing is I sing off-key!
 
 PARADE OF SERVERS
 The worst thing is I sing off-key!
 
 Olive is visibly squirming in her seat.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Sound off!
 89.
 
 
 PARADE OF SERVERS
 Happy!
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Sound off!
 
 PARADE OF SERVERS
 Birthday!
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Sound off!
 
 PARADE OF SERVERS
 Happy birthday to you!
 
 The whole place applauds, unenthusiastically. Anson sees
 Olive's discomfort.
 
 ANSON
 What's wrong?
 
 OLIVE
 Rhiannon's over there.
 
 ANSON
 So?
 
 OLIVE
 So? She's been in love with you
 since the first grade.
 
 ANSON
 So?
 
 OLIVE
 Well, she's my best friend.
 
 ANSON
 I thought you two weren't speaking.
 
 OLIVE
 We're not, but it doesn't mean I
 should be out with you.
 
 ANSON
 Then why are you?
 
 OLIVE
 I don't know. You asked me out?
 
 ANSON
 Exactly. I have no interest in
 her. I mean, we're friends, but --
 90.
 
 
 OLIVE
 She can't see us.
 
 ANSON
 (DISAPPOINTED)
 Do you want me to get the check?
 
 OLIVE
 (TOUCHED)
 Would you mind?
 
 He gestures for the server who appears.
 
 ANSON
 Could we get our check?
 
 SERVER
 (CONFUSED)
 Is everything okay?
 
 OLIVE
 I just remembered I'm allergic to
 shellfish. I always forget that my
 respiratory system would collapse
 and I'd die. It sucks I know.
 
 Even more confused, the server obliges and gives them their
 check.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (Digging in her purse)
 Let me get it. I have a gift
 certificate.
 
 She pulls it out and hands it to the waitress, who leaves.
 
 ANSON
 But I asked you out.
 
 OLIVE
 And I ruined it, so let me bear the
 financial br***.
 (Beat.)
 I'm so sorry about this. But she
 really likes you.
 
 ANSON
 She and I just don't have much in
 common.
 
 OLIVE
 And you and I do?
 91.
 
 
 ANSON
 I think so. For instance, I, too
 think Nina Howell's a twat.
 
 OLIVE
 Yeah, well, if that's our magical
 connection, I should date the
 entire school.
 
 ANSON
 Haven't you?
 
 Olive suddenly becomes self-conscious and a little bit
 pissed.
 
 ANSON (CONT'D)
 Kidding!
 
 OLIVE
 Yeah, about that --
 
 The server reappears with the check.
 
 SERVER
 You have a remaining balance of
 fourteen dollars and thirty six
 cents.
 
 OLIVE
 Keep it. Tip.
 
 The sever smiles and leaves them again.
 
 ANSON
 Let's get out of here.
 
 They duck out of the booth trying to keep their heads down,
 but Olive can't resist the urge to look up and see if
 Rhiannon sees them.
 
 She does.
 
 Olive and Rhiannon make eye contact. Whereas, Olive looks
 remorseful, Rhiannon looks like she's just been stabbed in
 the back -- which she has.
 
 The Abernathys see her, as well, and wave. It's painfully
 obvious to Olive that Rhi hasn't told her parents about their
 differences. She starts to go over, but Rhiannon's face is
 turning vermillion in anger. Olive just waves, sheepishly
 and leaves with Anson.
 92.
 
 
 I/E. ANSON'S CAR - RED LOBSTER PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Olive's face is painted with guilt. She feels like shit, but
 doesn't want to externalize it.
 
 Anson puts his hand on her knee.
 
 ANSON
 I have something for you.
 
 Olive manages a smile. He reaches into his pocket and pulls
 out a $500 GIFT CERTIFICATE to ANTHROPOLOGIE and hands it to
 her.
 
 Olive is disappointed, but tries not to show it.
 
 OLIVE
 Oh. I didn't realize --
 
 Snapping out of her guilt.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Okay. So, what did we "do" on this
 date?
 
 ANSON
 Whatever $500 gets me.
 
 He leans over and kisses her. She pushes him off.
 
 OLIVE
 Wait. This isn't how it works. I
 don't actually --
 
 But he's kissing her again, a little too forcibly. She
 pushes him off again.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 You don't get it. I'm not
 technically having sex with people
 for money. You know that, right?
 Besides, even if I was, we're in
 the parking lot of a Red Lobster.
 
 ANSON
 We can go wherever you want, but I
 think it would be kind of hot here.
 
 He takes off his shirt.
 
 OLIVE
 Dude, I gotta go. It's been --
 sad.
 93.
 
 
 She gets out of the car. He rolls down the window.
 
 ANSON
 Olive, you're being stupid. I'll
 take you home.
 
 OLIVE
 No thanks.
 
 He drives off, leaving her outside in the parking lot.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Fuck.
 
 As luck would have it, Meerkat Todd, is coming out the back
 exit. He sees her and gives her a surprised, toothy grin.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Hey Olive!
 
 OLIVE
 Hey Todd.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 What are you doing here?
 
 OLIVE
 Oh, I'm just hanging out in the
 parking lot. I do that sometimes.
 Not necessarily just here. The one
 outside of Applebee's is fun, too.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 (Laughing at her oddness)
 You want a ride somewhere?
 
 OLIVE
 Nah. I'm fine.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Your friend Rhi is inside. It's
 her Mom's birthday.
 
 Tears begin to glisten in Olive's eyes.
 
 OLIVE
 She's not my friend anymore.
 
 Todd walks over and puts his arm around her and leads her to
 his car. He opens the door for her and she sits down.
 94.
 
 
 I/E. MEERKAT TODD'S CAR - NIGHT
 
 Olive is trying to pull herself together but she can't stop
 crying as Todd drives her home.
 
 Todd doesn't know what to say to her. Finally --
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 You wanna talk about it?
 
 OLIVE
 What's to say? I'm a horrible
 person. Everyone thinks I'm a
 whore and, for the first time, I'm
 starting to believe it.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Huh?
 
 OLIVE
 Oh, don't act like you don't know
 what people are saying about me.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 I know what people are saying.
 Doesn't mean I believe them.
 
 OLIVE
 Why not?
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Olive, contrary to popular belief,
 I'm not an idiot. I know exactly
 what's going on and I know exactly
 what you're doing.
 
 She stops crying.
 
 OLIVE
 Who told you?
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 No one had to tell me. All I know
 is once upon a time, there was a
 scared little kid in a closet at a
 party who wasn't ready for his
 first kiss and there was this
 amazing little girl who lied for
 him.
 
 She smiles through her tears.
 
 OLIVE
 You remember that?
 95.
 
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Yeah and after I ran out, you
 pulled Brandon in. Yeah, I know
 about that, by the way.
 
 OLIVE
 And look how he turned out.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Sometimes I still pretend you were
 my first kiss.
 
 OLIVE
 (LAUGHING)
 Yeah? Who was?
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Your friend. Rhiannon.
 
 Olive's laughter turns to rage.
 
 OLIVE
 What!?
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Yeah. About a year later. It
 sucked.
 
 OLIVE
 (Blurting it out)
 She knew how I felt about you!
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 How do you feel about me?
 
 OLIVE
 (IGNORING HIM)
 She did it first! And here I am
 feeling SOOOO bad and THAT BITCH!
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Wait. How do you feel about me?
 
 OLIVE
 (AGGRESSIVELY DEFENSIVE)
 Felt! I said FELT!
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 (DISAPPOINTED)
 Oh.
 
 He stops the car. They're at her house.
 96.
 
 
 OLIVE
 (Off his look)
 I mean, it's not that I don't still
 feel that way.
 
 There's an awkward moment between them.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Olive. If I promise not to tell
 anyone, could I kiss you?
 
 Despite the fact that this is positively the most romantic
 moment of her young life, Olive looks down.
 
 OLIVE
 No. Not tonight. I don't want you
 to kiss me when mascara's running
 down my cheek or some shithead has
 forced his tongue down my throat
 only a half-hour ago. I've wanted
 to kiss you since the eighth grade,
 but I want it to be perfect. And
 right now, my life's a mess. I
 need to get it under control before
 I drag you into it.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 What if I told you I wanted to be
 dragged into it? Maybe I could
 help.
 
 He holds out his hand and she takes it.
 
 OLIVE
 Now I have a reason to fix this
 catastrophe I've brought upon
 myself. And I'm going to.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Okay.
 
 He smiles his goofy grin and she embraces him. She hops out
 of the car and goes to her front door.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Into her webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 You see, now I had a reason for
 things to go back to the way that
 they were.
 (MORE)
 97.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 The truth needed to be told and I
 knew I had to go the one person who
 could help me. The one person I
 could co*** on to set the story
 straight. Brandon. I'd helped him
 and, even though it would destroy
 his new reputation for being a
 stud, I knew he would help me.
 
 
 INT. HALLS OF BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 Filling the frame, a GOSSIPY GIRL in braces says --
 
 GOSSIPY GIRL
 Oh my God, did you hear that
 Brandon ran away from home? Yeah.
 Totally. He left his parents a
 note that said: `Eff you, I'm gay.'
 And then he skipped town with a
 big, hulking black guy.
 
 We spin around to see Olive's stunned reaction.
 
 OLIVE
 (TO HERSELF)
 My apologies to Mark Twain.
 
 GOSSIPY GIRL
 Huh?
 
 The reality of the situation begins to weigh on her.
 
 OLIVE
 Nothing.
 
 Defeated, Olive makes her way through the crowded halls.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
 It gets worse. Due to his
 `condition,' Micah was sent on an
 extended visit to his grandparents
 in Mississippi.
 
 
 INT. STUFFY OLD HOUSE IN MISSISSIPPI - DAY
 
 Micah, beyond miserable, sits between his STERN GRANDPARENTS,
 who read the Bible to him.
 98.
 
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 No telephone, no television, no
 computer, no internet and - most
 importantly - no diseased sexual
 partners.
 
 Micah settles in for a very long visit.
 
 
 INT. UNDER THE BLEACHERS - GYM - DAY
 
 Where they had previously met, Olive pleads with Evan.
 
 OLIVE (V.O.)
 I went to everyone I'd helped and
 begged them to say it wasn't true.
 
 EVAN
 No way. I gave you money.
 
 OLIVE
 Please, Evan.
 
 He walks off, leaving her alone.
 
 
 INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE - DAY
 
 Olive waits for Mrs. Griffin's response. There's a long
 moment of contemplation on Mrs. Griffin's part. Then --
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Olive, life is full of choices. I
 made a bad one. But then, so did
 you. We both acted unwisely, but I
 don't see any other alternative
 than to live with the guilt. My
 guilt stems from my indiscretion,
 yours for lying. We've made our
 choices. Now, we have to ride them
 out.
 
 OLIVE
 (Pissed as hell)
 Or I could just tell everyone THE
 TRUTH.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Fine, Olive. Let's play the `who
 do you believe' game. But, first,
 ask yourself, if you were an adult,
 who would you believe?
 99.
 
 
 OLIVE
 With all due respect, Mrs. Griffin,
 you're a fucking c***.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN
 Because you helped me once, I'm not
 going to report that to Principal
 Gibbons. Now, we're even.
 
 They're locked in a Mexican standoff.
 
 MRS. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 You can go now.
 
 Furious, Olive throws the door open and exits.
 
 
 INT. MR. GRIFFIN'S CLASSROOM - DAY
 
 Mr. Griffin is erasing the blackboard, when Olive storms into
 the room.
 
 OLIVE
 Your wife has chlamydia and she's
 been sleeping with a student and
 she gave it to him and now she's
 trying to blame me.
 
 Shocked, Mr. Griffin drops the eraser.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 What?
 
 The gravity of what she's just done sinks in and she
 stumbles.
 
 OLIVE
 I -- I'm sorry. I --
 
 Not knowing what to say, she runs from his classroom.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Olive is mirthless, as she proceeds with her story.
 
 OLIVE
 Looking back, that's the thing I
 regret the most. That's the thing
 that sent me to the church, er,
 churches. And that's the thing
 that made me realize how profoundly
 I'd fucked up.
 (MORE)
 100.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 And that's something I'll have to
 live with for the rest of my life.
 With my words, even though they
 were true, I ended a marriage. No
 kid should have to be burdened with
 that.
 
 She contemplates this.
 
 
 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
 
 As we saw before, Olive sits and plays `CONNECT FOUR' with
 Mr. Griffin, at his desk. Both are looking beaten down and
 very depressed and their minds are on everything but the
 game.
 
 Mr. Griffin puts his hand on Olive's.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 It's not your fault.
 
 Olive gets a tear in her eyes. She puts a RED CHIP in at the
 top and loses the game. She reaches over and presses the
 lever, causing all of the chips to fall on his desk.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 
 THE JENGA SET-UP
 
 There's a ridiculously tall tower of blocks and they all fall
 down.
 
 CUT TO:
 
 He rakes the chips and the game into his own cardboard box,
 full of his things.
 
 He smiles and she hugs him -- intensely, tears quickly
 welling up in her eyes.
 
 OLIVE
 I'm so sorry.
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 No. It's not your fault.
 
 They just hold each other. Finally, Mr. Griffin pulls away
 and takes his things and starts to leave. But then he turns
 and says --
 101.
 
 
 MR. GRIFFIN (CONT'D)
 I hope that you and Todd end up
 okay.
 
 OLIVE
 Me too. Where are you going?
 
 MR. GRIFFIN
 Not sure yet. Away from her.
 
 OLIVE
 Can I come?
 
 They share one last, pained smile and he leaves.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY
 
 Hearfelt, into the webcam --
 
 OLIVE
 Mr. Griffin, if you ever see this,
 just know - I was wrong to tell you
 that. In that way. At all. I
 don't know. I shouldn't have done
 it. I don't feel bad for lying for
 your wife. But I hate myself for
 telling you the truth. I'm so
 sorry.
 
 She wipes away a tear, pulls herself together.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Part Five: Not With a Whimper But
 With a Bang.
 
 
 EXT. BARBARA BUSH HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
 
 As we saw before --
 
 The Cross Your Heart Club is assembled outside of the school,
 with a lot of other kids (and some parents), waving signs on
 wooden stakes that say things like:
 
 EXPEL OLIVE!
 
 EXODUS 20:14
 
 SCHOOLS ARE FOR LEARNING, NOT FOR WHORING
 
 OLIVE PENDERGHAST IS A WHORE
 
 Rhi is among them, as riled up as any.
 102.
 
 
 Olive steps out of the school to see the demonstration. her
 jaw drops.
 
 OLIVE
 Oh fuck me.
 
 Things have gotten WAY too out of hand.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
 Olive cries on her bed, clutching her teddy bear. Rosemary
 listens, as a good mother does.
 
 OLIVE
 So, now everyone who knows the
 truth is either gone or won't fess
 up. The Cross Your Legs Club is
 demanding my head. And the messed
 up thing is that I wouldn't put it
 past Gibbons to expel me.
 
 ROSEMARY
 I had a similar situation when I
 was your age.
 
 OLIVE
 (IN DISBELIEF)
 Everyone called you a whore?
 
 ROSEMARY
 Yes. I had a horrible reputation
 and people said awful things about
 me. But it was true. I was a
 slut.
 
 Olive gives her a suspicious look.
 
 OLIVE
 I'm waiting for you to say
 (Imitating her mother)
 `Just kidding!'
 
 ROSEMARY
 (EARNESTLY)
 No, it's true. I slept with a
 whole bunch of people.
 
 OLIVE
 Mom!
 
 ROSEMARY
 Well! It was a different time.
 103.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Ewwww!
 
 ROSEMARY
 I did. I got around. Before I met
 your father, I was a garden variety
 floozy.
 
 OLIVE
 Why are you telling me this?
 
 ROSEMARY
 Because I endured a similar
 lynching because of a certain
 dalliance.
 
 OLIVE
 I promise that it was no worse than
 Marianne Bryant's attack on me.
 
 ROSEMARY
 Wanna bet? It was her mother.
 
 OLIVE
 Wait, what?
 
 ROSEMARY
 Yep. Don Bryant and I got caught
 in a very compromising position in
 the locker room during a basketball
 game.
 
 OLIVE
 That's disgusting! He's
 disgusting!
 
 ROSEMARY
 He wasn't back then. He was
 actually pretty handsome. All I'm
 saying is that MAYBE the reason
 that Bryant girl is going after you
 is because her mother told her
 about me.
 
 OLIVE
 So, the sins of the mother are
 revisited on the daughter.
 
 ROSEMARY
 There's something else you should
 know. This is hard to say but --
 Don Bryant is your father.
 Marianne is your sister.
 104.
 
 
 Olive turns white.
 
 ROSEMARY (CONT'D)
 Kidding!! Well, about the sister
 thing, but not about the Don thing.
 That happened. Actually that
 happened a couple of times before
 we got caught.
 
 Olive punches her mother on the arm, who's laughing
 hysterically.
 
 OLIVE
 I hate you so much right now.
 Can't you see I'm a mess!
 
 ROSEMARY
 No, you're not, Olive. You're
 wonderful. And you're going to
 handle this the same way that I
 did. With an incontrovertible
 sense of humor.
 
 They embrace and Olive gets an idea.
 
 OLIVE
 Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Now
 get out. I need to make some phone
 calls.
 
 Rosemary looks slightly concerned by the grin on Olive's
 face.
 
 
 INT. GYM - DAY
 
 We join a pep rally, already in progress.
 
 The DANCE TEAM attempts to rile up the school with a rousing
 rendition of Michael Jackson's `BAD.'
 
 In the stands, Rhi sits with Marianne and Nina.
 
 MARIANNE
 So, Olive wasn't at school today.
 
 She extends her palms to Nina and Rhi, who both slap them.
 Marianne puts her arm around Rhi.
 
 MARIANNE (CONT'D)
 I'm so glad you're with us now.
 
 RHIANNON
 Me too. You guys fucking rock.
 105.
 
 
 MARIANNE
 We don't say that word, Rhiannon.
 
 NINA
 (HELPFULLY)
 Just say `effing' instead. We
 effing rock.
 
 Marianne nods in agreement, however Rhi is confused.
 
 RHIANNON
 But isn't that just implying the
 same word?
 
 MARIANNE
 Oh, Rhiannon. We have so much to
 teach you. It's okay to imply
 things.
 
 Rhiannon looks at her new best friends, who just smile at
 her.
 
 The song ends and there's a drum roll.
 
 RHIANNON
 Yay! It's time for Meerkat Todd.
 (SEXUALLY)
 I just want to rip that costume off
 him and --
 
 Marianne puts her hand firmly on Rhi's knee.
 
 MARIANNE
 Why don't you just not talk for a
 while, okay hon?
 
 Rhi puts her head down.
 
 The drum roll ends and Meerkat Todd bounces out in costume.
 He jumps around enthusing the student body --
 
 But then he goes out of the gym and reenters pushing a
 DUMPSTER.
 
 The familiar chords of the James Bond theme `Nobody Does It
 Better' plays from the band.
 
 Meerkat Todd opens the lid of the dumpster and Olive, dressed
 in a glittery and slinky RED DRESS, with a BOA draped around
 her bare shoulder, pops up and croons with a handheld mic and
 slightly different lyrics:
 106.
 
 
 OLIVE
 Nobody does it better.
 Makes me feel sad for the rest.
 Nobody does it half as good as me.
 Baby, I'm the best.
 
 Todd lifts Olive out of the dumpster and she sings her ass
 off - and she's quite good.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 I wasn't lookin,'
 But somehow they found me.
 I tried to hide from
 Your love light.
 But like heaven above me
 The guys who loved me
 Are keepin' all my secrets safe
 tonight.
 
 She winks at the audience. The guys begin to wolf whistle
 and howl at her sheer brilliance.
 
 She begins to rub her hands seductively over Meerkat Todd's
 furry costume, eventually unzipping it and taking off the
 head to reveal:
 
 BLUE DEVIL TODD! The crowd goes wild.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 And nobody does it better
 Though sometimes I wish someone
 could.
 Nobody does it quite the way I do.
 Why'd I have to be so good?
 
 She sa***ers over to Rhi and kisses her on the cheek, leaving
 a big, red lip mark.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 The way that they hold me
 Whenever they hold me
 There's some kind of magic inside
 you.
 That keeps me from runnin',
 But just keep it comin'!
 How'd you learn to do the things
 you do?
 
 She sees that Gibbons is not amused, but that doesn't stop
 her.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Oh, and nobody does it better.
 Makes me feel sad for the rest.
 (MORE)
 107.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Nobody does it half as good as me.
 Baby, baby!
 Darlin', I'm the best!
 
 She walks over to a couple of HORN PLAYERS, and runs her
 fingers seductively over their (uh) instruments.
 
 The crowd goes wild - some appalled, but most enthused.
 
 Olive sashays through the crowd as the MALE TEENS scream and
 stuff money down her bodice.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 Baby you're the best!
 Darlin', you're the best!
 Baby, you're the best!
 
 The song ends and Olive takes Blue Devil Todd's hand.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (To the student body)
 This is just a free preview. For
 the main event log on to
 www.freeolivep.com tonight at 6
 p.m. Now, I know this conflicts
 with tonight's basketball game, but
 c'mon would you rather be here
 cheering on the Meerkats
 (Looking at Todd,
 LASCIVIOUSLY)
 or watch me do one.
 
 There are audible gasps, but excitement nonetheless.
 
 Gibbons angrily storms over and takes the microphone.
 
 PRINCIPAL GIBBONS
 (Through gritted teeth)
 Young lady, to my office. NOW.
 
 OLIVE
 Yeah, I can't. I'm gonna go bang
 my boyfriend while the whole school
 watches. But good luck with the
 game-thing. Go Meerkats.
 
 She plods out, triumphantly.
 
 
 INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - DUSK
 
 The sun is setting as Olive speaks into her webcam. But this
 time, we're not seeing it through the lens, but from a
 different point in the room.
 108.
 
 
 OLIVE
 And here you all are. Waiting
 outside the closet door for me to
 kiss Todd, listening to me pretend
 to have sex with Brandon, paying me
 to lie for you, calling probably
 the last virgin in school a whore.
 Guys. Seriously.
 
 All of a sudden -- from outside and downstairs --
 
 James' `LAID' begins to play.
 
 Olive goes over to the window and sees Todd below, holding up
 a BOOMBOX (a la John Cusack) and there's a RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER
 (a la Patrick Dempsey) behind him.
 
 Upon seeing this, she bursts into laughter, but it couldn't
 be more romantic.
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 (SHOUTING DOWN)
 Who told you that I loved this
 song?
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 (SHOUTING UP)
 I guessed.
 
 OLIVE
 I see you've been watching my live
 webcast. It's still going on, you
 know.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Fuck them. They've had enough of
 you. Well, figuratively speaking.
 I borrowed my neighbor's John
 Deere. Come down here.
 
 OLIVE
 That rhymed.
 
 MEERKAT TODD
 Intentionally.
 
 OLIVE
 Be right down.
 
 Olive can't get the smile off of her face as she goes back to
 the camera.
 
 We see her through the lens.
 109.
 
 
 OLIVE (CONT'D)
 That's Todd. Not that I owe any of
 you any more confessions, but I'm
 really in love with him. And I am
 going to lose my virginity to him.
 I'm not sure when. It could happen
 five minutes from now or tonight or
 six months from now or maybe on our
 wedding night, but the really
 amazing thing is that it's nobody's
 business.
 (As an afterthought)
 Like, totally.
 
 She turns the camera off.
 
 
 EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
 
 Olive runs out of the house and tackles him, kissing him -
 
 in the front yard,
 
 in broad daylight,
 
 for the world to see.
 
 FADE OUT.
 
 
 
 
 OVER THE END CREDITS...
 
 
 EXT. GYM - NIGHT
 
 The basketball game is going on to an almost empty gymnasium.
 
 
 MONTAGE
 
 We see, from the perspective of their computer screens,
 various reactions to Olive's webcast --
 
 -- A proud Brandon watches from a hotel room. A MUSCULAR
 BLACK GUY in a towel comes up behind him and kisses his neck.
 
 -- The Abernathys watch with the same demented glee they
 derive from watching anything.
 
 -- Mrs. Griffin watches with the face of a person who's been
 found out and who's days are numbered. They are.
 110.
 
 
 -- Rhi seems contemplative. Maybe it's because she's been in
 love with Olive since grade school. Duh.
 
 -- Evan, the fat kid, is doing jumping jacks while watching.
 
 -- Melanie Bostic (the host of the party) watches with a
 group of girls.
 
 MELANIE
 (SATISFIED)
 Told you guys. Pay up.
 
 -- Marianne feels regret. But a little bit impressed.
 
 -- Mr. Griffin is proud of her.
 
 -- Micah watches in his dark bedroom.
 
 MICAH'S GRANDMOTHER (O.S.)
 Micah? What are you doing in
 there?
 (STERNLY)
 You had better not be on the sin-
 ternet.
 
 -- Rosemary and Dill are too busy making out to watch.
 
 -- Anson has a jar of vaseline and is ready to jerk off, but
 is upset that she isn't `exposing herself' in the
 aforementioned way.
 
 ANSON
 (TO HIMSELF)
 I thought she was going to take her
 clothes off.
 
 
 EXT. THE PENDERGHAST HOUSE - HOURS LATER
 
 Olive and Todd are still kissing on the lawn underneath the
 stars.
 
 FADE OUT.
Category:Transcripts