Jason Upon Meth!

Son: Dad, where do babies come from?
Father: (snorts bath salts) WELL SONNY BOY, I'LL TELL YOU!!! (reads this fan-fiction)
One lovely evening, Jason was walking down the street with groceries. He was just arriving at his home, when he noticed a meth. Jason had no idea how the meth got there, but there is was. A meth. He picked up the meth and put it in his pocket. Later, that very same night, he realized that the meth was still in his pocket (he was too tired to change) and picked it up. He was so tired, he fell asleep right there, and the meth fell in his nose. It somehow didn't take effect until he woke up. And then...
Jason: OH MY GOD!!! OH! YES!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This insanity obviously woke up his roommate Michael, and he came into the room.
Michael: Jason, what the Hell are you doing?!
Jason: SHEEP.
Michael: What?
Jason: I snorted a sheep.
It was at this moment that Michael realized that there was meth on Jason's nostril.
Michael: What is that?!
Jason: Oh, I'm on my period.
Michael: Your a dude! And-
Jason: DID YOU ASSUME THAT MY TOE WAS LARGER THAT THE SOLAR SYSTEM THAT WE ARE CURRENTLY LOCATED IN?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!
And with that, Jason sprinted into the bathroom as fast as a MC Villager (seriously those guys are fast.)
Michael: Open the damn door!!!!!
Jason: No, I'm on my period and forgot how to transcend space and time!
Michael: Come out now! You're high!
Jason: No!!!
Michael: You're not on your period and you're not gonna transcend space and time!
Jason: Watch me bitch!!!! (runs off)
Jason then ran out of the bathroom, out the front door, and into the city. Michael called the police after Jason, but by then, Jason was prancing around, naked, with a tiara on.
Jason: DON'T FIDDLE YOUR DIDDLE!!!
Police Boi: Sir, you're gonna have to come with-
Jason: No, cause I can be a magical princess! (does a bit of a frenzied tap dance) I'm An-GARY!!! (slaps the officer, throws the tiara on the ground, and runs away) I'm not a princess, I'M A GENTLEMAN!!! (puts on top hat)
The other officers were sent. They're dead. The military was sent. They're dead. A pissed off piece of blue cheese was sent. IT'S DEAD!!! All because of that DAMN TOP HAT!!! It made Jason higher than ever. I don't know how, but it did. Jason just said one sentence, and they were dead. That phrase was... "Do you want penis enlargement pills?" Eventually he was detained, but many officers were killed, and one random guy thought he was fine, until he realized that both of his legs had been broken for several months.
Father: (puts down this fan-fiction) And now son, you know where babies come from!
Son: Dad, I'm scared. What if I need penis enlargement pills?
Father: I'm gonna take a bath now! Goodni- (gets arrested for snorting illegal bath salts)
Mother: Well, what an eventful night! Goodnight! (TURNS OFF LIGHTS)
...
...
...
Son: I'm scared.
The Motha Fuckin Rake: I heard you were scared that you might need penis enlargement pills? (hand the pills over)
Son: Thanks! I'm not afraid anymore! (chugs bottle)
Rake: You weren't supposed to do that.
Son: Why-
BREAKING NEWS: MASSIVE DICK EXPLODES; LOCAL RUSSIAN SLEEP EXPERIMENT FOUND GUILTY
MEANWHILE, in the present...
Jason: And that's how my brother died of an explosive penis!
Michael: O_O What the FUCK was that?!?!
The End