A Socially Distanced Conversation

A Socially Distanced Conversation is the second episode of season three, and the seventeenth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on September 19, 2020.
==Plot==
In the midst of the Plague, candidates fight in the final Democratic debate.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with Mr. Chillyrooster and Mrs. Plankton sitting next to each other at the moderating table. Mr. Biden and Mr. Sanders can be seen at the debate stage. Due to the Plague, the debate is held at BBTV Studios instead of a stadium, and there is no live audience.] 
Mrs. Plankton: Where are Travis and Jim?
Mr. Chillyrooster: I dunno, but the debate’s about to start. The show will have to go on without them. 
Mr. Sanders: Perhaps they recognized they didn’t have a path to victory, and so have staged a last-minute drop-out so we can focus on the real enemy, Joe. It’s great to see the progressive movement finally come together. 
Mrs. Plankton: Wow, a lot of fish wrote Sanders off following the last primary contests, but it looks like he may still have a chance to win this thing. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: We’ll have to keep the speculation for later. Right now it’s time for the show to begin. Hello folks, and welcome back to another Democratic debate! 
Mr. Biden: I gotta say, I’m tired of doing all these debates. I’d much rather be hanging out with my pals Paul and Donald. Luckily, this is gonna be the last one. Mr. Banana told me he has a secret weapon to assure I beat Bernie in all the upcoming states. 
[Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion enter the stage.] 
Mr. R’Onion: Sorry we’re late! We fell incredibly behind! We ended up going overtime at Travis’ tutoring session. He kept falling asleep! 
Mr. Sanders: Oh no…
Mrs. Plankton: Oh wow, they haven’t dropped out. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion aren’t the only ones making surprise visits. I’m also pleased to announce that my former co-host, Mr. Pepperchicken, shall be re-joining me to moderate now that he has been disqualified from the Republican primary.
Mrs. Plankton: Isn’t he in jail? He can’t moderate!
[Suddenly, Mr. Pepperchicken appears on Mrs. Plankton’s screen] 
Mr. Pepperchicken: First question! Will any of you pardon me?
Mr. Biden: No. 
Mr. Sanders: No. 
Mr. Pineapple: No.
Mr. R’Onion: No. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: All bought by Big Homo.
Mr. Biden: Me? Bought by Big Homo? C’mon man, I’m the only one on this stage that voted for DOMA!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Then why don’t you pardon me? I was unjustly jailed by someone who doesn’t think homosexuals should be persecuted!
Mr. Biden: I didn’t know that, in that case, I’ll pardon you on the first day I’m in office!
Mr. Sanders: I think it is very sad that my colleague still has this backwards attitude. We are the Democratic Party, and our goal is to fight for progressive change! As President, I will increase penalties for those who commit hate crimes, and build towards a more inclusive society.
Mr. R’Onion: You? Inclusive? Until you disavow endorsements from the loggers’ unions, who are waging a genocide on our trees, I don’t want to hear it.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Alright, next question. Millions of people are getting infected by the Plague on a daily basis. Schools have closed. Employers are laying off everyone, leading to mass unemployment. Trump’s approval rating has plummeted due to his inaction in the early days. Bikini Bottomites are asking, what is your plan?
Mr. Pineapple: Assist the Plague. We have waged war and destroyed other nations for decades, so I believe it is completely justified for the Plague to wipe out Bikini Bottom. We must remain fully open, so every Bikini Bottomite gets infected and suffers.
Mr. R’Onion: We have to do everything to protect our trees. As President, I will make sure that every tree wears a mask and practices social distancing.
Mr. Sanders: Many fish are scared of this Plague and want to stay home, but they also fear losing their livelihoods due to the mass unemployment. That is why I propose a $2,000 a month stimulus check and a moratorium on evictions, so that all fish are able to not only physically survive, but financially survive as well.
Mrs. Plankton: Mr. Biden?
Mr. Biden: You know, the rapidly rising...uh...in with...I don’t know, uh…[falls asleep]
Mr. Chillyrooster: [whispering to Mrs. Plankton] How is this senile old man the frontrunner?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, he voted for DOMA and promised to pardon me, we’re just returning the favor!
Mr. Chillyrooster: What do you mean, “we’re returning the favor”?
[Cut to Mr. Putin, typing some characters into a computer.]
Mr. Putin: A true fighter for the heterosexual cause, I must have Biden win this primary!
[Cut to the debate.]
Mr. Sanders: Hey! I heard that, Mr. Chillyrooster! Be nice! Joe is a close friend of mine, and I know that he is committed to finding the best solution for all Bikini Bottomites.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Why are you defending him? You’re running against him! This would be a great attack ad.
Mr. Sanders: Attack ads? I am fighting for justice, and not trying to be toxic and divisive.
[Cut to the Fancyson residence. Mr. Fancyson, Mr. Obama, and Mr. Banana are watching the debate.]
Mr. Banana: Bernard is such a toxic and divisive figure. Not agreeing with those who think people shouldn’t get a fair wage...how could he! Such a disgrace!
Mr. Fancyson: Exactly! I have the right to oppress my workers, and Bernie thinks he can tell me not to do that!
Mr. Obama: A disgrace? That reminds me of my ICC trial, the judge called my aiding of states that commit genocide “a disgrace”.
Mr. Banana: That was just a minor foriegn policy mistake. What Bernie did, however, is simply unforgivable.
Mr. Fancyson: Agreed. He is communist scum that needs to get his business out of politics and back onto the streets.
[Cut to the debate.] 
Mr. Biden: [wakes up] Huh? What? THE CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED! THEY’RE RUNNING AWAY! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Renaud bursts through the door.] 
Mr. Renaud: Don’t worry! I’ll get them! 
[Mr. Renaud runs onto the stage, tackling Mr. Pineapple.] 
Mr. R’Onion: Mr. Renaud! I am shocked to see such unprofessional behavior from a colleague of mine. Travis is with me at the moment. If you’d like to rape him, you’re going to have to schedule your own after-school meeting with him. 
Mr. Renaud: Aw, but I wanna rape him now! 
Mr. R’Onion: Well, then you should’ve thought of that beforehand. It’s like I always say, failing to plan is planning to fail. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Enough! No children are escaping! 
Mr. Biden: Well, that’s a relief! I was worried for a second there. Okay, Paul, you can call it off. 
Mr. Renaud: Well...if you insist. [lets go of Mr. Pineapple] Anyway, what was the question?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud! You’re not running in this primary! 
Mr. Renaud: Oh yeah! [exits the stage]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Back to where we were. Mr. Biden, what is your plan to deal with the Plague?!
Mr. Biden: Not to worry. Right now, 28 million people lack health insurance during a pandemic. When I’m president, I’ll make it so that just 10 million people lack health insurance. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: [blinks] Shouldn’t you rather be making it so that 0 people lack health insurance?
Mr. Biden: Of course not! I support universal healthcare, not taking healthcare away from millions of people like Senator Sanders does! 
Mr. Sanders: Joe...Ten million uninsured is not universal healthcare. I’m the one that supports universal healthcare, Medicare For All covers everyone. 
Mr. Biden: What a hoax.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Next question. Many Democrats want the eventual democratic nominee to choose a woman as their running mate. Would you or would you not commit to this if you won the nomination?
Mr. R’Onion: Despite some disagreements, I think Travis would be a good VP.
Mr. Pineapple: I am not a—
Mr. R’Onion: Travis, do not respond without raising your hand! That is incredibly unprofessional!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Sanders?
Mr. Sanders: I won’t commit to it, but there’s a 99% chance I will pick a woman.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Biden?
Mr. Biden: I think I’ve got an idea who I should choose…
Mr. Chillyrooster: Would you mind telling us who?
[Flashback to Bikini Bottom Jail this morning. The warden, Kamala Harris, slams open the door to Mr. Pepperchicken’s cell block.]
Mrs. Harris: Attention prisoners, I have some important news!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Our sentences are commuted?! Wonderful! It is the humane choice to free all straight Russian prisoners during this pandemic.
Mrs. Harris: Commuted? No, I extended your sentence!
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT?!
Mrs. Harris: All the unionized public workers are on paid leave during the pandemic. But Bikini Bottom’s public services can’t shut down. That’s where the forced labor of prisoners for an indefinite amount of time comes in!
Mr. Pepperchicken: This cannot be true! Forced labor only goes to enemies of Putin! But I’m not an enemy of Putin, I’m the most loyal Russian out there!
Mrs. Harris: Shut up, you Russian hacker! I despise people like you. In fact, the only people I despise more are those that smoke marijuana recreationally.
[Cut to the debate.]
Mr. Biden: I’d rather not tell who it is right now.
Mr. Pepperchicken: [mutters to himself] Hopefully it’s not that warden.
Mr. Chillyrooster: Next question. Mr. Biden, Sanders has criticized you for previous efforts to cut Social Security. Your response? 
Mr. Biden: That’s also a hoax. I’ve never once advocated for cutting Social Security in my entire life. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sir, you’re literally on video doing it. 
Mr. Biden: That video was edited. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: No it wasn’t. 
Mr. Biden: Listen. That was all in the past. So I supported cutting Social Security, so I raped a few people. We need to look forward, not backward. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Just to be clear, the people you were raping were female, correct?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Now, a question for Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion. Neither of you have won any states, and Sanders is polling ahead of you in all the upcoming states. All the right-wing candidates have dropped out and endorsed Biden. Isn’t it time for progressives to coalesce behind a single candidate as well? 
Mr. Pineapple: Absolutely. That’s why Sanders should drop out right now and endorse me! 
Mr. R’Onion: Absolutely not. You don’t even do your work in class, what makes you think you’ll be able to do the work of being president? Bernie should endorse me! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Sanders, your response? 
Mr. Sanders: Well as you said, I’m leading Mr. Pineapple and Mr. R’Onion in all the polls, so I have no intentions of dropping out. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Do you think they should drop out?
Mr. Sanders: That’s a decision they’re going to have to make for themselves. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I also have a question for Mr. Pineapple. 
Mr. Pineapple: What is it?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Do you really think you’re fit to be president, considering you’re a woman? 
Mr. Pineapple: Why does everyone think I’m a woman?! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, you have long hair, shaved legs, and a very high-pitched voice. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Let’s end the debate on a lighthearted note. What’s your favorite holiday? 
Mr. Biden: My death date. I can’t wait for this campaign - and my life - to finally end. 
Mr. R’Onion: Earth Day. 
Mr. Renaud: Halloween! I love having all those children come up to my door! And trust me, I always give them the best treats! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud! For the last time, you are not in this primary! 
Mr. Renaud: Oh yeah! [exits the stage] 
Mr. Pineapple: 9/11.
Mr. Sanders: Any holiday where you get free stuff. Easter, Christmas… 
Mr. R’Onion: Christmas?! What’s wrong with you?! Every year, millions of trees are slaughtered to have their dead bodies be displayed in fish’s houses like some sort of sick trophy for that so-called holiday! It’s nothing more than a show of pure barbarity! As President, I shall immediately sign an executive order banning this archaic and inhumane practice on my first day. 
Mr. Sanders: You really got more upset with me for saying Christmas than with Travis for saying 9/11.
Mr. R’Onion: Bikini Bottom deserved 9/11 for all the atrocities it has committed itself. 
Mr. Pineapple: Now you’re talking!
Mr. Sanders: Look, I was a vocal opponent of the War in Iraq. I agree it was wrong, but that doesn’t justify attacks on Bikini- 
Mr. R’Onion: I wasn’t talking about that! I was talking about what we’ve done to the trees, flowers, and lawns! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: My favorite holiday is National Coming Out Day! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: But I thought you said you hated gay people?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I do! I like it because it lets me know all the people I need to shoot! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Well uh...okay then. Anyway, that’s it for tonight folks. Make sure to cast your vote on Super Tuesday!
[The episode ends.] 
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:Episodes
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season