There's No Disgrace Like Home/Transcript

This is the transcript for There's No Disgrace Like Home.
== Transcript ==
[Bart and Lisa are fighting, but it is not long until Homer quickly rushes in to break the melee up.]
Bart: Yeah. Oh, yeah?
Lisa: Yeah. Yeah!
Bart: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
Lisa: Yeah. Yeah!
Homer: Hey, what's the problem here?
Lisa: We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
Homer: You were? (sniffles). Aw...well, go ahead.
Bart: You love him more.
Lisa: No, you do.
Bart: No, I don't. No, I don't.
Lisa: Yes, you do!
[He tells them to get the bad behavior out of their system, because they are going to Mr. Burns’ company picnic, and he doesn’t want his family to embarrass him in front of Mr. Burns.]
Homer: Look, you better get this all out of your system right now! I don't want you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
[Homer walks by a big piece of gelatin.]
Homer: Mmm. Marshmallow.
[He takes a green marshmallow out, eats it, and burps.]
Marge: Homer!
[She stands in the doorway to the kitchen.]
Homer: I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate voices out of my system while I can, Marge. I don't want to embarrass myself at the company picnic.
[She grunts.]
Homer: Are you sure that's enough? You know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts.
Marge: Oh, Homer, Mr. Burns just said he liked it...once.
Homer: Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word "bonehead".
[The whole family drives in the pink car. Every member (including Maggie) has a plate of gelatin on their lap.]
Homer: There it is, kids. Stately Burns Manor. Heaven on Earth.
[The camera pans in on the gigantic house. When the family arrives at Mr. Burns' mansion for the picnic, Homer once again reminds his family that they have to behave in a normal manner.]
Homer: Okay, now look, my boss is gonna be at this picnic so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm thinking respect.
[Inside the manor, Burns and Smithers greet visitors.]
Burns: Good to see you. Glad you could make it.
Man: Oh, thank you, Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you invited us.
Man's kid: Not me. I had to miss little league for this.
Man: Quiet, Tom.
Burns: Oh, please, please don't fight. Just go out back and have a good time.
[After they walk by.]
Burns: Fire that man, Smithers. I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
Smithers: He'll be gone by the tug-of-war, sir.
Burns: Excellent.
Homer: Uh, afternoon, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Hi. Ah, hello there, uh-- uh--
Homer: (to Smithers) Simpson, Homer.
Smithers: Here you go, sir.
[He hands Burns a sheet.]
Burns: Ah! Oh, yes. Uh, oh, and this must be your lovely wife, Marge.
[He looks at the paper. It gives all the names and their role in the family.]
Burns: Oh, and look at little, uh, Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed. And this must be...Brat.
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat. Oh, boss, look what we bought -- gelatin desserts!
Burns: Oh, for the love of Peter, that's all anybody brought. Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop. Well, toss it in the pile over there.
[He points to several tables covered only in gelatin desserts.]
Burns: And...make yourselves at home.
Bart: Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
Homer: Now, you listen to me!
Bart: Whoa!
[He angrily bends down to Bart to strangle him. Mr. Burns and Smithers heard the noise and look behind to the two.)
Burns: Trouble, Simpson?
Homer: No. (chuckles) Just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.
[Burn's backyard, where a group of kids play. On a balcony, the family gathers.]
Homer: Now remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
[Bart and Lisa quickly run off to play in the water fountain and Homer chases after them leaving Marge and Maggie behind.]
Lisa: Hey, Bart, last one in the fountain's a rotten egg!
Bart: Hey!
Homer: D'oh! [Screams] Be normal! BE NORMAL!!
[Another woman carrying a baby approaches Marge and suggests to place the babies in the nursery and grab a drink together.]
Marge: What an adorable little girl.
Mom: (chuckles) Thank you. Why don't we dump them in the nursery and get a glass of punch?
[Marge is reluctant about drinking, but then after seeing Homer chase Bart and Lisa around the backyard, she chooses to have a glass of punch.]
Marge: Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.
[Lisa hides in the fountain as Homer chases after Bart.]
Mom: Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans?
Homer: Bart!
Marge: Oh. Maybe I will take you up on that punch.
[Marge and the mom enter the nursery.]
Marge: Gee, do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised?
Mom: You're right.
[She places her baby down.]
Mom: There.
[She turns on the TV to a children's show. All the children's attention is instantly captured. Homer runs by the fountain.]
Homer: Bart! Lisa!
[A group of swans run past him. He mumbles as Lisa poses as a water-spitting statue.]
Homer: Where are you kids? Oh!
Bart: Whoops.
Homer: Got ya!
Bart: Whoa, Dad. Blow a gasket, you lose your job.
[It's soon time for the father-son sack race, and Homer pressures Bart to not have them beating Mr. Burns.]
Smithers: (over speaker) Now hear this: The father/son sackrace will begin in five minutes on the north lawn. Participation is mandatory. Repeat, mandatory. That is all.
Homer: You remember the rules from last year?
Bart: Yeah. Shut my mouth, and let your boss win. Hey!
[Meanwhile, Marge is conversing with all the wives of the workers; she becomes tipsy from the amount of punch she drank.]
Mom 2: I don't know who to love more: my son, Joshua, who's captain of the football team; or my daughter, Amber, who got the lead in the school play. Usually, I use their grades as a tiebreaker, but they both got straight A's this term, so...w.
Marge: Mm-hmm. Well, I sense greatness in your family.
Mom: Your family?
Marge: Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there. And if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.
[She sips some more.]
Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone but I think there's a little "al-kee-hol" in this punch.
[Back to the sack race, where Smithers gives Mr. Burns a head start and then fires the starting gun.]
Smithers: Mr. Burns, are you ready?
Burns: Yes.
Smithers: Are you set?
Burns: Yes.
Smithers: (whispering) Go, Mr. Burns.
[Mr. Burns is out in front of everyone, when suddenly Bart plans to make a break for the finish line.]
Bart: Man, this is pathetic. I'm goin' for it!
[He leaps past Burns.]
Homer: Bart, no! Oh, oh, oh. Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Bart, don't. Don't. NO!
[Homer quickly hops up ahead and tackles Bart just short of the finish line, allowing Mr. Burns to finish first.]
Burns: Close one this year!
[Bart and Homer stare at each other. Homer starts to look angry while staring at Bart because Bart disobeyed orders. Meanwhile, Marge, intoxicated, leads all the women in a song and dance number, when Homer runs by and is shocked at Marge’s behavior.]
Marge: (singing) Here we sit enjoying the shade.
Ladies: (singing) Hey, brother, pour on the wine.
Marge: (singing) Drink the drink that I have made.
Ladies: (singing) Hey, brother, pour on the wine.
Marge: (singing) He's here at last, my one and only. Good-bye, friends and don't be lonely.
Ladies: (singing) Hey, brother, pour on the wine.
[Homer groans.]
Homer: Marge, I need you!
Marge: Hey, Homie! Did you try the punch?
[Marge slips off the table and falls into Homer's arms.]
Homer: Snap out of it, Marge. You've gotta come with me. The boss is going to make a toast.
Marge: Well, I'm not much of a drinker.
Homer: Why, you picked the perfect time to start. You...grumbles)
[He quickly whisks her away from the punch. A shot of the entire crowd. A band plays "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" in the background. Everyone at the picnic gathers as Mr. Burns gives a toast.]
Burns: Musicians, cease that infernal tootling.
[They stop. Smithers hands Burns an index card. He thanks everyone for coming.]
Burns: "Thank you all...uh, for coming"
[Everybody claps for several seconds. Marge continues to clap after the crowd has quieted.]
Homer: Marge, knock it off.
Marge: (scoffs) Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Homer: Marge!
[He tells them all to leave immediately as he threatens to release the hounds in ten minutes.]
Burns: "But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle. The hounds will be released in ten minutes"
[Everybody claps. Everyone heads out, and Homer notices the family ahead of them; the son gives the father a kiss and tells him he had a great time.]
Father: Did you have a good time, son?
Son: Yeah, thanks, Pop.
[Mr. Burns is impressed by this family.]
Burns: Aw, that's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers!
Smithers: Yes, sir?
Burns: Get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant.
[Several inches away, Homer overhears the conversation. He turns down to Bart.]
Homer: Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.
Bart: Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid.
Homer: Bart, please? Five bucks for a kiss.
[He shows him a dollar bill. Bart kisses him. Homer smiles at Burns. Burns is insulted by Homer's pathetic attempt to gain his favor.]
Burns: (scoffs) Ugh, I have never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor
Smithers: Fabulous observation, sir. Just fabulous
[Outside, the Simpsons walk. It is close to night time. Later on, Homer confronts the man from the “perfect” family ahead of him and tells him he can stop the fake cornball routine.] 
Homer: Boy, I'm glad that's over. Now we can go home and act normal again
Father #2: What do you mean?
Homer: Aw, come on.
[Homer does several fake kisses.]
Homer: That cornball routine? I love you, Daddy". Give me a break.
[However, the man reveals his family are actually nice normal people in real life and don't act like this only at gatherings. When the man admits pitying him, Homer finally realizes the truth--that his own family has a problem.]
Father #2: I pity you.
Homer: Why?
[He watches a son from the normal family lets his sister enter the back seat like a gentleman. She politely thanks him for the gesture.]
Little child: After you.
Sister: Well, thank you so much.
[Homer witnesses Lisa and Bart arguing and fighting over seats.]
Bart: Me first! No, me. Me. Me.
Lisa: No, me. No, me. Me. Me.
[He turns his attention to the man's wife who is offering her husband to rest and she can drive home. The man politely refuses and starts the car.]
Father 2's wife: Honey, you look so tired. Would you like me to drive?
[Homer then turns his attention to Marge whose still intoxicated and asking him to drive home before she throws up in his car.]
Marge: Oh, Homie, I think I'm gonna be sick.
[He imagines the man's family driving off to Heaven.]
Other family: There was a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name Oh - B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name oh.
[Homer's family has transformed into evil-looking zombies.]
Marge: Homie, get in the car.
Lisa: This is where you belong.
Bart: Yeah, Homer. Room for one more.
All: One of us. One of us. One of us. One of us.
[They all laugh as Homer drives on. Everything around him is in flames. On top, going up to Heaven, is the other family's car slowly flying up.]
Other family: B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O. B-I-N-G-O.
[Homer sighs. Homer goes back home in his reality now knowing how much Marge, Bart and Lisa embarrassed him in front of his boss. The next day, Marge and the kids eat TV dinners in the living room and watch TV together when Homer walks in and plans that tonight they are all going to eat at the dinner table like a normal family.]
Announcer: (on TV) The father of the family has worked all day to find this food for his children. Unable to fend for themselves, the bald eaglets are dependant on their mother regurgitating the food which she has found. 
[The TV screen turns off. The family is unhappy that Homer did this.] 
All: Hey! 
Homer: Look, everybody. Yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do better as a family. So tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family. 
[At the dinner table.]
Lisa: Happy, Dad?
Homer: Yes.
Lisa: Good. Commence shoveling.
[The rest of the Simpsons are not taking Homer's attempt to get them to eat like a normal family seriously and continue eating like cavemen.]
Homer: No. We're going to say grace first.
Bart: Okay. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
Homer: [Angry, growls] No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now, can the chatter, and bow your heads.
[During his prayer, Homer expresses his dissatisfaction with his troubled family's behavior and ponders why he was cursed with those who disrespect him.]
Homer: Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions. Pardon my French, but they act like savages. Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did. You're everywhere. You're "omnivorous". O Lord, why did you smite me with this family?
All: Amen!
Bart: Let's eat.
Homer: No, I'm not done yet!
Marge: But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here and listen to you bad-mouth us to the man upstairs?
Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
Homer: Oh!
Bart: Don't have a cow, Dad.
[When Marge and the kids claim there is nothing is wrong with the family, Homer chooses to prove that there is something wrong with them.]
Lisa: The sad truth is, all families are like us.
Homer: You think so, huh? Well, there's only one way to find out. Follow me.
[He leads the family in a tour around the neighborhood, peeking into random houses to observe their neighbors’ normal family life.]
Homer: Look at that, kids. No fighting. No yelling.
Lisa: No belching. The dad has his shirt on.
Marge: Look, napkins!
Bart: These people or obviously freaks.
Homer: Oh, you think so? Well, let's see what's behind door number two.
[They look through the second random door.]
Lisa: What are they doing?
Marge: They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each other.
Homer: I wish I could hear what they're saying.
[In the house.]
Boy: Papa, I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
Papa: Hmm. I did too. Better get the gun.
[Outside.]
Lisa: Where's he going?
Homer: Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.
[A neighbor notices Homer spying on his family and fires warning rounds from his shot gun. They look through the window of their own house.]
Bart: Whoa, look at this place. What a dump! 
Homer: It's worse than you think. (chuckling) I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed.
Marge: Homer, this is our house.
[Homer screams.]
Marge: Are you coming in, Homer?
Homer: No, no. (sighs) I wanna be alone with my thought
[The door closes. Depressed by this matter, Homer visits Moe's Tavern for a drink and to get away from his problems.]
-(on TV) Fans are getting just a little bit anxious here.
Homer: Another beer, Moe.
Moe: What's a matter, Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year. You're sitting there like a thirsty bump on a log. Eddie.
Eddie: Evening, Moe.
[Two patrolmen enter the bar, claiming they received reports of a neighborhood stalker.]
Moe: Want some pretzels?
Eddie: (chuckles) No, thanks. We're on duty. A couple beers would be nice, though.
Moe: That'll be two bucks, boys. Just kidding. (chuckling)
Lou: Good one, Moe. Listen, we're looking for a family of Peeping Toms who's been terrorizing the neighborhood.
[The dog suspects Homer and growls at them to pay attention.]
Lou: Quiet, boy. Let the nice people enjoy their beers.
[Luckily for him, the two cops are too dumb to notice anything and drag the dog away.]
Lou: Ah, don't worry. This dog has the scent.
Eddie: Hey. What's gotten into Bobo?
Homer: I got some wieners in my pocket.
Eddie: That figures. Come on, you stupid dog.
[They leave.]
Homer: You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment". And God bless her soul, she was really on to something. 
Barney: Don't blame yourself, Homer. You got dealt a bad hand. You got crummy little kids that nobody can control. 
Homer: You can't talk that way about my kids! Or, at least two of them. 
Barney: Why, you got two I haven't met? 
Homer: Why you--Here's five you haven't met! 
[Homer punches Barney.] 
Man: (on TV) A tremendous right. That's just gotta hurt. Ladies and gentlemen, this fight is over! "All-Star Boxing" is brought to you by...Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. 
[After getting into a brief fight with Barney, Homer later sees a commercial for Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.]
Homer: Huh? What?
Woman: (on TV) Honey, aren't you going to work today?
Man: (on TV) Oh, I don't think so.
Woman: (on TV) Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better till you admit it.
Man: (on TV) I admit this: You better shut your big yap.
Woman: (on TV) Oh, you shut up.
Man: (on TV) No, you shut up!
Woman: (on TV) No, you shut up!
Man & Woman: (on TV) Shut up!
Kid: (on TV) Why don't you both shut up?
[Dr. Monroe guarantees "family bliss or double your money back". Homer then gets an idea to make his family normal.]
Dr. Monroe: (on TV) Hi, friends. I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar? If so, I can help. No gimmicks. No pills. No fad diets. Just family bliss, or double your money back. So call today.
Man: (on TV) Dr. Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center. 1-800-555-Hugs. Why don't you call right now?
Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. (chuckling) They're on TV!
[Marge and the kids watch an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon when Homer walks in the living room and announces he has made an appointment at Dr. Monroe’s Family Therapy Center.]
Homer: All right, time for a family meeting.
Lisa: Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV?
[The family is reluctant to the idea, but Homer is on a mission to make his family better.]
Homer: Now look, you know and I know this family needs help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Bart: The fat guy on TV?
Lisa: You're sending us to doctor who advertises on pro wrestling?
Homer: Boxing, Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.
[Marge tries to claim that there's still nothing wrong with their family, but Homer doesn't listen.]
Marge: Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do?
Homer: Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best. All it costs is $250. 
Marge: We don't have that kind of money. 
Homer: Well, then, we're just going to have to dig deep. Marge, go get the kids' college fund. 
Lisa: Hey! 
Marge: Oh, Homer. 
Homer: Oh, come on, Marge. Why scrimp now on the off-chance that they'll actually get in some place? 
[Marge is counting the money.] 
Marge: Forty-eight. Forty-nine. Fifty. Eighty-eight dollars and fifty cents. 
Homer: That's it? That's the college fund we've been saving for all these years? 
Lisa: I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship. 
Homer: Well, we're not licked yet. To save this family, we're going to have to make the supreme sacrifice. 
[They go to a pawn shop.] 
Lisa: No, Dad. Please don't pawn the TV. 
Bart: Oh, come on, Dad, anything but that. 
Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? 
Homer: Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here! 
[In the pawn shop.] 
-Afternoon, Simpson. So what can I do for ya? 
Homer: Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola? 
-Is it cable ready? 
Homer: Ready as she'll ever be. 
-Mister, you got yourself a deal. 
[At Dr. Monroe's Family Therapy Center.]
Marge: All our money, the college funds, the TV. Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
Homer: Hey, no pain, no gain.
-Will you be paying by cash or check?
Homer: Cash, of course. I've got $250 right here with me. I'm holding it right now. Here it is. Look. Check it out. 250 big ones.
Bart: If you really want to impress her, show her the big, empty space where our TV used to be.
Homer: Bart!
Man: Come on, family. 
[The therapy treatment begins as Dr. Monroe brings them into another room and sits them down.] 
[He encourages them each to draw a picture that represents the source of their unhappiness. Most of the Simpsons vent their anger out by drawing Homer as they see him, while Homer gets lost in the exercise by drawing airplanes dropping bombs on his family. When Dr. Monroe sees this, he points out to Homer that had he been paying attention, he would've known his family sees him as an abusive and stern disciplinarian. Monroe also calls him an ogre, a word that Marge and Lisa disagree with, claiming ogre is too much. Bart agrees with Monroe, making Homer furious enough to attack him. Dr. Monroe calms Homer down and asks the family to try different exercises, such as the foam padded aversion mallets that Bart turns into a hard weapon by removing the foam padding from his mallet and striking Dr. Monroe with it. Soon, Dr. Monroe sees that the Simpson family is not responding to conventional treatment, so his next exercise becomes different. He places each of the Simpsons in their own chair, hooked up to deliver an electric shock. Each chair has buttons that when pressed will deliver an electric shock to another corresponding chair. With all of the Simpsons strapped in, Dr. Monroe instructs them only to shock someone else if that person hurts them emotionally. However, the family members quickly start shocking each other over minor slights, and then things go totally off the rails when Maggie starts hitting all the buttons at random, leading to a power brownout across the entire city, much to Mr. Burns' joy as this increased use of electricity means more money for his company. 
Category:Transcripts