POV/Version B

This is Yvonne's version of "POV". For JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway's, see this page.
== Plot ==
Patrick Star goes to the Crazy Krab to get a Box Burger.
==Script==
(The episode begins with TV static to show Perch Perkins on Bikini Bottom news)
Perch Perkins: …and in my opinion, those guys can go to Hell. In other news, world-famous CEO and entrepreneur Aidan “Crazy Sponge” Lane (a photo of Aidan appears by Perch depicting him throwing up all over his desk), known for purchasing many small businesses across the world, has recently made his biggest purchase yet; the entire Earth! More on this at 11. 
(Zoom-out to reveal that Grandpat SeaStar is watching the news report with a surprised expression on his face)
Grandpat: What?! That’s BULLSHIT!
(Patrick walks in the room, eating a banana)
Patrick: What’s wrong, Grandpat? Another Democrat get voted for governor?
Grandpat: No, Aidan Lane has purchased the entire fucking planet!
Patrick: He… Purchased Earth? The entire planet?
Grandpat: Yes! He already ruined every media franchise he got his grubby mits on, and now he’s gonna ruin our planet more than those stupid liberals have done to our city!
Patrick: Relax, GrandPat. I’m sure it won’t be bad. 
GrandPat: Whatever you say, you gay disappointment. I’m gonna be protesting!
(Patrick shrugs as GrandPat walks outside smugly, holding a picket sign, before swarms of police officers and tanks speed towards his location and immediately shoot him dead; the camera focuses on his corpse, then starts moving upwards until it leaves the ocean and fades to BP HQ with yellow text reading “ONE WEEK PRIOR;” inside the HQ, a sweatshop full of small, malnourished children is shown, some of whom are smoking cigarettes and coughing blood, when CrazySponge bursts in the door)
CrazySponge: Hey, stupid kids! Great news!
(The children in the sweatshop all slowly turn towards CrazySponge, one of them coughing audibly)
CrazySponge: I am currently in talks with every single world political leader in the world to buy this pathetic shithole of a planet.
(All the kids just stare at eachother)
CrazySponge: I just need agreement from the current Prime Minister of Israel and it’ll be final. God, I hate talking with that guy. Bitch can’t go one second without staring at my crotch.
(The kids just keep staring as CrazySponge lights a comically big cigar and struts out the room)
CrazySponge: Well, get back to work! Those Krusty Krab Unfair Charity episodes aren’t gonna animate themselves!
(One of the malnourished kids drops dead as it cuts to CrazySponge in his office, with Netanyahu seated across from him)
CrazySponge: So, Mr. Yahu- 
Netanyahu: Don’t call me that.
CrazySponge: Sorry, Mr. Netty.
Netanyahu: That’s even worse.
CrazySponge: Okay, noted, Benny.
(Netanyahu just stares at CrazySponge with an annoyed expression)
CrazySponge: I have gotten approval from every single political leader on this planet to authorize the full purchase of this planet except you. I’ll be blunt; if you agree to this transaction as well, this will be over quickly and we can get on with our lives. I know you probably have innocent Palestinian citizens to murder, so for the interest of both of our time, let’s just shake on it, and call it a deal.
Netanyahu: Mmmmm… I will shake, if you allow me one thing.
CrazySponge: Fine, but make it quick.
Netanyahu: I want to jack you off.
(CrazySponge just stares in confusion as Netanyahu laughs it off)
Netanyahu: Just kidding, my brother. Of course I’ll shake!
(CrazySponge and Netanyahu shake hands as it emphasizes the two hands joining together; Netanyahu stands up and walks out the doors)
Netanyahu: (Whispering to self) Damnit, you were so fucking close.
CrazySponge: Well… That’s that! Earth is mine… and it only cost $72 billion! Which leaves… $17,654 in our budget, but… uh… it’s a minor setback. I already know what will be my first action as owner… (Pushes call button on his desk) Stacy, send Bam Margera in for me, would you, dear?
(After a bit of awkward silence, Bam Margera walks into the office)
Bam Margera: Yeh? What do you want? It better be good.
CrazySponge: Mr. Marge, as you know, I am now owner of the planet, meaning I own every production company and every country that exists. I suppose now… I should let it be known to the world.
(Cut to a bustling metropolis with a giant TV in the center, which flickers on as all the onlookers stare in confusion; After a bit of static, the TV shows CrazySponge sitting at his desk)
CrazySponge: GREETINGS, CITIZENS OF EARTH! WHY AM I GREETING YOU IN SUCH A WAY? WELL, I’LL MAKE IT SIMPLE…
(We see several shots of audiences across the world watching TV in confusion before it cuts back to the giant TV screen)
CrazySponge: I, AIDAN “CRAZYSPONGE” LANE, HAVE PURCHASED THE ENTIRE PLANET FOR $72 BILLION!
(The audience boos in disapproval as they throw stuff at the TV)
CrazySponge: FROM NOW ON, YOU ARE ONLY TO SAY GOOD THINGS ABOUT MY COMPANY, EVERY SHOW WILL BE PRODUCED BY MY COMPANY, AND EVERY SINGLE WORLD GOVERNMENT WILL BE CONTROLLED BY ME! WELL… THAT IS ALL! OH, AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT OR DO ANYTHING AGAINST BOX PRODUCTIONS, YOU WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT. THAT INCLUDES BOOING ME WHEN I AM ON TV.
(Suddenly, swarms of heavily-armed officers flood the town as several citizens are brutally shot dead)
CrazySponge: CRAZYSPONGE OUT!
(CrazySponge disappears from the TV as it cuts back to his office)
CrazySponge: Well, that went well. I think now I will partake in a good ol’ illegal cockfight.
(CrazySponge laughs as he struts out his office; fade to Bikini Bottom, with “A WEEK LATER” text on the bottom; as we return to the previous scene of GrandPat getting murdered and his corpse lay in the streets)
Patrick: Welp, GrandPat’s dead. About time, I say. The man was more racist than Super-Mega-Robotic-Ultra-Hitler. (Patrick’s stomach rumbles) Man, I’m hungry. I think I’ll go get some grub. Maybe this buyout won’t be so bad.
(Patrick walks out his door and strolls downtown, and along the way we see several billboards advertising Box Productions products and shows as well as some glorifying CrazySponge. The citizens are all wearing Box Productions apparel and some are being followed by armed policemen; Not looking where he’s going, Patrick bumps into Squidward)
Squidward: WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FUCKING GOING, YOU- (Notices who bumped into him) Patrick?
Patrick: Squidward! What’s up?
Squidward: Great, as if today couldn’t get any worse.
Patrick: What’s the matter?
Squidward: (Sighs) I dunno. I’ve just been really down lately, since… uh… you know.
Patrick: BP bought Earth?
Squidward: SHUSH! YOU WANT TO GET US BOTH IN TROUBLE?
Patrick: Why would I get in trouble?
Squidward: By virtue. 
Patrick: That’s dumb. Well, I was gonna go to the Krusty Krab to get some food. Wanna come?
Squidward: No, I have clarinet recitals.
Patrick: Well, catch you later, then.
Squidward: Whatever.
(Patrick strolls off as Squidward sighs)
Squidward: That was close. I was sure Patrick was going to get me-
(Several police officers surround Squidward and shoot him dead; cut to Patrick walking towards the Krusty Krab, the sign painted over to read “THE CRAZY KRAB”)
Patrick: (Reading sign) The… Crazy Krab? (Scoffs) Well, whatever works, I suppose.
(Patrick walks into the building and he sees a ton of armed policemen inspecting every patron, who are all nervously eating cardboard boxes)
Officer: CITIZEN. ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR BOX BURGER?
Citizen: Uh… Yeah… It’s rich in… Cardboard.
Officer: IT IS NOT CARDBOARD! IT IS A BURGER! YOU DIE NOW!
(The Officer shoots the citizen dead; Patrick walks up to the register and Mr. Krabs wearing a metal collar arises)
Krabs: Welcome to the… (Groan) Crazy Krab, home of the Box Burger. How many Box Burgers do you want?
Patrick: Do you not serve Krabby Patties anymore?
Krabs: SHUT UP! THAT NAME IS FORBIDDEN! YOU WANT TO GET ME KILLED, MAN?
Patrick: I just asked a question. Do you or do you not serve Krabby Patties?
(The Officers glance at Krabs and Patrick with knowing looks)
Krabs: Uhhh… BOX BURGER? COMING UP, SIR!
(The Officers turn away)
Krabs: Phew. SpongeBob, one Box Burger.
(Patrick walks to a table, but as soon as he turns around, several Officers rush in and beat Krabs to death, with one of them assuming register duty. Patrick sits down at a table, and looks around the restaurant, which is full of corpses, nervous citizens, and Officers)
Patrick: Something feels off here. Did they install a new AC?
(SpongeBob sulks out the kitchen, holding a cardboard box, and drops it on Patrick’s table dejectedly)
Patrick: SpongeBob! Hey, buddy! How is it going?
SpongeBob: Sorry, sir, I am not permitted to have idle conversation during work.
Patrick: What? Since when?
(SpongeBob looks around nervously, before slamming his hands on the table)
SpongeBob: (Quiet shouting) PATRICK. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
Patrick: What? You love working here.
SpongeBob: I LIKED WORKING AT THE KRUSTY KRAB. THIS IS NOT. THE. FUCKING. KRUSTY. KRAB. (SpongeBob grabs Patrick and begins shaking him violently) GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!
Officer: SpongeBob! Get your ass back in the kitchen! We have 6 more orders of Box Burgers.
SpongeBob: Help… Me…
(SpongeBob sulks back to the kitchen)
Patrick: Jeez. Someone’s melodramatic.
(Patrick stares at his Box Burger for a while before looking up)
Patrick: Oh, wait. I already ate today. 
(Patrick sits there, pondering for a minute, before shrugging and taking a bite of the burger; suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant cyborg Hitler crashes through the roof of the building and roars)
Officer: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT’S SUPER-MEGA-ROBOTIC-ULTRA-HITLER!
(SMRUH fires his gattling gun, killing several patrons as the Officers begin shooting at it, to no avail; Patrick just sits there eating, totally unaware of anything happening)
Patrick: Mm. this shit’s good.
(SMRUH roars loudly as it begins destroying the walls and windows of the building; Patrick just continues eating)
Patrick: Peaceful day today.
(SMRUH roars one final time as it rockets away from the scene, leaving behind several bodies and a ton of destruction and fire; Patrick finishes his Box Burger and walks towards the exit; cut to Patrick walking down the streets whistling a tune; the camera zooms out to show how much of a shithole the town has become, with fires everywhere, officers shooting citizens dead, and people having rough anal sex on the streets as Patrick walks into his house and slams the door shut; the camera fades to Patchy the Pirate in his house)
Patchy The Pirate: Wow, kids! Wasn’t that just a SPECTATULAR special?
Potty: Squawk, that ending sucked! Squawk!
Patchy The Pirate: I don’t know who was asking for YER opinion, Potty.
Potty: Squawk! Suck my bird cock! What say we watch the BETTER ending?
(Static covers the screen as we see the scene of Patrick walking down the street again before he stops and looks around)
Patrick: Wait… what the fuck happened to Bikini Bottom?! 
(Several Officers rush in and shoot and beat Patrick to death as it cuts back to Patchy)
Patchy: Potty, that ending was just depressing.
Potty: Squawk, but it had violence! It’s the better one by default!
Patchy: Well, at least we both know that regardless of which ending is better, CrazySponge will never ACTUALLY purchase the entire planet. That’s just silly! Why would such a shit production company like Box Productions even want to do that?
(Officers burst through Patchy’s windows and shoot him to death violently, then they leave just as quick as they entered; we see Patchy’s corpse as the episode fades to black)
Category:Thursday Spin-Off
Category:Episodes written by Locknloaded23
Category:2024 Episodes
Category:CrazySponge
Category:Dark Comedy
Category:Dramedy
Category:Userfic