Transcripts 2005-06

Transcripts from June 2005 strips.
==June 1==
Panel 1Richard is casually examining his knuckles while Norman holds a piece of green paper in his hand, scowling.Norman: Oi Richard! What the hell is this shit about?Richard: It's just the list of stuff the council wants us to recycle. It's no big deal.Panel 2Close-up of Norman raging into the camera, crushing the green paper in his hand.Norman: NO BIG DEAL!?! LIKE HELL IS THE COUNCIL GOING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'LL THROW AWAY WHATEVER I BLOODY WELL LIKE!Panel 3Without changing his bored expression, Richard examines the back of his outstretched hand. Norman is still facing the camera as in panel 2 but has hunched down and is glaring sideways at Richard.Richard: Oh okay, I'll just dump the bags of rubbish the bin men refuse to take away in your room then!Norman: Are you ever going to give up that "consequences for my actions" thing you do?Richard: Nope!
==June 2==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. Al is looking at the camera and smiling, hands clasped in front of him.Al: Now recently I've got quite a few emails asking for the PIN numbers for those interactive "strips" I did to tell the Maytec story. While I won't tell you the PIN, I'll give you a tip...Panel 2Extreme close-up of Al shouting into the camera and clenching his fists, with visibly detailed teeth including one chipped tooth.Al: KILL YOURSELF! SERIOUSLY, DO IT! IF YOU ARE REALLY TOO STUPID OR LAZY TO FIGURE IT OUT THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE USING MY OXYGEN! DRINK SOME BLEACH YOU THICK FUCK!Panel 3The camera is zoomed back out to the same position as panel 1, and Al is turned slightly to one side and posing like a happy schoolgirl, with an even bigger grin than in panel 1.Al: ♥ k thx bye ♥
==June 3==
Panel 1Anne and Richard are sitting on the couch with their arms around each other and looking into each other's eyes.Anne: You got Norman to do the recycling I see.Richard: Yeah it was easy in the end. The leaflet said to destroy any paper with private details on it so I got a shredder.Panel 2Close-up of Richard side-eyeing Norman (well off-panel) and smirking.Richard: Of course Norman loves any powered tools of destruction so I let him shred all the confidential stuff we don't need to keep around.Sound effect: BRRRRRRRRRZT!Panel 3Anne grins mischievously at Richard as he stares blankly into the camera, pupils constricting into tiny dots.Anne: Er Richard, what would an anarchist define as "not needed?"Richard: ... oh shit!Sound effect: BRRRRRRRRRZT!Anne: That was your driving licence by the way!
==June 6==
Panel 1Kingston and Norman are sitting on the couch. Kingston is leaning back lazily while Norman is staring and leaning forward with his arms resting on his knees, an exhausted look on his face.Kingston: Why are some yanks getting the hump over that "deep throat" guy? Why would anyone worry about losing a lying, paranoid president that was a can short of a six pack? I mean isn't it the right thing to do to blow the whistle on people with that much power who were as bent as nine pound notes?Panel 2Camera is zoomed out from panel 1 to show more of the empty room above them to emphasise the silence hanging in the air between Kingston and Norman, who gives Kingston the stink eye.Panel 3Kingston turns to face Norman and points.Kingston: I answered my own question didn't I?Norman: I'm trying to watch Bob the Builder here...
==June 7==
Panel 1Close-up of Kingston staring, cross-eyed and red-eyed, into the camera and shouting, a finger raised in protest.Kingston: You know what I hate? I tell you what I hate! The bikes with the tiny engines for the non-big bike peoples that go "BREEEEE!" in the morning and wake me up! What's up with that? Huh? It's all BREEEM! BREEEEEEEM!Panel 2Kingston shuts his eyes and clenches his fists in fury as he shouts such that his words fill the background.Kingston: THEY GO BREEEEEEEEE! BREEEEEEEEEEE! BREEEEE! BRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! BREEEEEEEEEEEE! BREEE! BREEEE!Panel 3An angry Richard and Norman stand over the top of Kingston's hat, which has a ☆ floating up from it. Norman is also holding a bloodied cricket bat.Richard: Okay, find whatever he's been taking and get rid of it. It's clearly bad for his health!
==June 8==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. Al is turned to one side and is holding a Mega Drive.Al: I never really got this idiotic brand loyalty thing that surrounds consoles. Maybe I'm getting old because when I was at school almost everyone had a ZX Spectrum. If you had a Commodore 64 or if you were really unlucky and your middle class parents got you a BBC Micro, you pretty much missed out on the huge pirate ring of copied game tapes that circulated around school. That and you probably smelled and nobody liked you anyway! The worst it got for me was the odd Mega Drive vs SNES argument a bit later on but that was about it!Panel 2A bizarre caricature of a child is holding a knife (unsafely with the blade pointing toward himself) while looking up at a large sinister Mario with inverted eyes, black sclera with white pupils.These days it's like a religion! You'd think you'd pissed on the Koran or drew a willy on Jesus the way these fuck-wits react if you bad mouth their piece of soulless electronic equipment! One day I expect some nutter will kill over this I really do.Mario: Cuuuuut those Sony heretics!Child: Yes Mario!Panel 3Al is smiling at the camera.Al: And just like any good religion it's perfectly all right to diss someone else's machine of course. This leads to endless flame wars screeching over what faceless corporation that milks these idiots of money is the best! Of course I never get into these arguments. I don't have to because I'm a PC gamer! So naturally I'm always right and just better then those console owning scum!
==June 9==
Single PanelSilhouettes of Tin-Head, Sticks, and Tessa are sitting in front of a movie theatre screen showing a still from a Godzilla? movie.Tin-Head: "NO! NO! NO! CUT! It's 'AHHH! I'm a scary monster!' not AHHH! I got my dick caught in a blender! Okay, from the top people…"Tessa: Okay, that's it! Every time you two pick the film you choose the crappiest B-movie you can get your hands on and then you make lame jokes about it for about 20 minutes. THEN you walk out! Is this some sort of robot thing I don't get?
==June 10==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Single PanelBlack-and-white sketch comic. Al is standing over a television and looking down at the cable box.Al: There's only one reality in reality TV. That is the reality of how fucking doomed the human race clearly is!
==June 13==
Panel 1Telly with a cable box and two VHS cassettes on top of it and an open drink can next to it. Alistair Katt is on the show, looking annoyed.Alistair: Due to the TV satellites malfunctioning I have no way of knowing where this broadcast is being sent. So I'll dispense with the local weather and say this. Wherever you are I would like to point out only half of America voted for that idiot. Don't blame the rest of us poor souls who now have to live with that for the next four years!Panel 2Anne is lying on the couch and side-eying the telly as she holds the remote control in one hand. Kingston is sitting next to the couch and leaning against the armrest while smoking.Anne: Kingston, why am I watching the world's most sexually frustrated weatherman on a local American news network?Kingston: Coz watching people who badly need a bong or a blow-job is the fundamental part of reality TV!
==June 14==
Panel 1The Governor is sitting at his desk when Kevin hands him a report, looking away as he does.Caption: MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN LONDONKevin: Here's the report on the satellite hijack you requested sir! Now if there's nothing else...Panel 2Kevin has started to walk away but flinches when the Governor shouts at him. A potted plant is visible in the corner.Governor (off-panel): KEVIN! STAY!Panel 3Kevin rolls his eyes at the ceiling.Governor: Good boy! Now lets find what's in this report that makes you want to get away so quickly! I want to rub your nose in it!Kevin (thinking): Next time I'll get the new guy to deliver the reports. He's not house trained yet!
==June 15==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. Al is turned to one side and looking suspiciously at a roll of candies while standing at a vendor cart(?).Caption (Al): I've found something interesting while on my "do more, eat less" diet. I've given me a budget of 300 "treat" calories a day. This means I've started looking for the most substantial snacks with the least calories.Panel 2Close-up of a box of ??? Pops focusing on the nutrition label, which is partially covered by Al's particularly detailed thumb.Caption (Al): Firstly the packs try very hard to fiddle the numbers, trying to make it appear it's less fattening then it is. Like one can of lemonade said "50 CALORIES" and in tiny letters "per 100 ml" on a 330ml can.Nutrition info:Energy: 450kcal per 100g like that means anythingFat: Like your momma!Confusing, meaningless number: 345Unidentified icky dead things: (Al's thumb is in the way)Pie: π(header off-panel): (something that looks sort of like an acorn)Panel 3Al is holding an open bag of ?ITE ?AP (lite crap?) and making a disgusted face.Caption (Al): Second is that anything with "lite" or what have you on the packet doesn't mean dick! Most of these things have barely less calories then the normal product, if not more then something similar that isn't "low fat". The only thing slimming about these things is that they taste so fucking awful you'd never want to eat it.Al: BLARG!
==June 16==
Panel 1The Governor holds Kevin's report up to his face, covering below his eyes.Governor: Lets see now... Blah, blah, blah... The media have swallowed the whole "too hard to hack" story. Blah, blah, blah... A bunch of script kiddies clamed responsibility but are probably full of shit...Governor: Blah, blah, blah... A false account was used on the transmitter computer in the name of... ...Panel 2The Governor looks up from the report, glaring in anger and folding back his ears as he crushes the fold of the report.Governor (aside): ...Panel 3Kevin glances over his shoulder in timidity as he touches his fingertips together.Kevin: (thinking) Aw crap! He's learned to read the footnotes! Where am I going to hide bad news now?
==June 17==
Panel 1The Governor lowers the report, pointing at it as he snarls at Kevin (who is off-panel).Governor: Oh this fucking tears it! Has anyone else seen this report yet Kevin?Panel 2Close-up of Kevin looking irritated.Kevin: Give me some credit! Naps wrote that report up but no one else knows! Everyone is jumpy as it is without that name being thrown around again!Panel 3The Governor jumps up from his seat, leaning on his desk with both hands.Governor: And whose fault was that keeping him here? I want him out of this building by the end of the day or I'll flush the little bastard down the toilet myself!
==June 20==
Panel 1Close-up of Kevin talking to the camera and gesturing.Kevin: Look, I'm sorry okay! I know I said you could stay here because I felt partly responsible for what happened but it's out of my hands now!Panel 2Kevin closes his eyes, sighing.Kevin: To be honest I think you should go too! You're staring to give people the creeps and all this hacking in your name doesn't help. Even though it's not your fault.Panel 3Side-view of Kevin reaching up and holding the base of an urn sitting on top of a computer tower.Kevin: Come on Chris! Time for your final trip!
==June 21==
Panel 1Close-up of Kevin's hand around the base of the urn, tipping it upwards with a "LIFT!"Panel 2Holding the urn in both hands, Kevin looks up as he hears a "BZZZZZZZZZZZ!" as the lights fade.Kevin: What the hell?Panel 3Pitch black as a * PUNT! indicates a power outage. Kevin's exasperated eyes are the only thing visible.Kevin (thinking): It's going to be one of "those" days isn't it?
==June 22==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. Al is standing over a travel bag and pulling his hair frantically. He is wearing a dark shirt with a white logo of an up-right arrow in a circle.Caption: 2003Al (aside): AHHHH! There's less then a month to go to the con! Have I got everything? Have I thought of everything? AHHHH! I'm going to forget something I just KNOW it!Travel insurance still okay? Have I got enough money? Got all the addresses and phone numbers I need? Do I need more batteries for the camera ...Panel 2Al is calmly holding up a packet of plane tickets and a passport in one hand, lifting a tea kettle in the other. He is wearing the same shirt as in the first panel but black logo on a white shirt.Caption: 2005Al (aside): Tickets, passport, travel kettle and tea... Yep, I think that's everything.
==June 23==
Panel 1Kevin is standing in the dark, holding a lit lighter in one hand and speaking into a mobile phone with his other hand, hunching over. Only Kevin's upper body and hands are illuminated.Kevin: What's going on Naps? Why are the lights out?Panel 2Nathan is sitting at a computer terminal with low red light illuminating the area. He is wearing a headset and blue shaded glasses (which look purple due to the red light).Nathan: It's not a power failure! The Oracle just crashed and the CPU hall shut down hard. The sudden difference in lad caused a power spike that popped all the breakers in the system like corks! The whole complex is out! I've got the monitor running in mission control under UPS in mission control but that's about it.Panel 3Kevin is in the same pose and lighting as panel 1 but is standing upright, looking ahead with an annoyed expression.Nathan (phone): With the control panel down it looks like we're going to have to flip all 500 breakers by hand to get this running again! If I ever find who built this system I'm gonna...Kevin: I installed this system Naps!Nathan (phone): buy him a drink!
==June 24==
Panel 1Kevin is now dimly lit by lights on the wall, revealing that he is still standing in front of the Oracle's tower with the urn below him.Kevin: The backup lighting just kicked in Naps. I'll meet you in mission control.Panel 2Close-up of Kevin's hand as he places the urn back on the Oracle's tower with a "PLANT" sound.Panel 3Kevin looks up as the main lights come back on with a "BING!''"Panel 4Kevin looks pleased and speaks into his mobile again.Kevin: Well done Naps! You're a star!Nathan (phone): You better believe it!Nathan (phone): ... What did I do?
==June 27==
Panel 1Kevin has his hand on the urn again, staring smugly at it.Kevin: Okay Chris, crisis over so no more stalling! Time for your date with destiny!Panel 2Once again, Kevin is thrust into darkness, with only his eyes visible, still staring at where the urn would be.Panel 3Kevin's eyes widen.Kevin (thinking): Oooookay! I think I'm starting to see a pattern here!
==June 28==
Panel 1Darkness. Two sets of eyes, revealed in panel 2 as belonging to Kevin and the Governor.Caption: LATER...Kevin: Now put it back down.Panel 2The lights are back on. Kevin is glaring, with his arms crossed, and the Governor is angrily clutching the urn, which is back on the tower.Kevin: You see! I'm not cracking up!Governor: All this proves is that someone is playing silly buggers!Panel 3Darkness again. Kevin is now rolling his eyes.Kevin: Yes but we've already established that if we move the urn the system goes down. So are you going to stop doing that sir or do I tell the staff we're having a disco?
==June 29==
Panel 1Close-up of the Governor glaring toward the camera at the urn.Governor: Something must trigger the blackout when we move this urn.Panel 2Side view of the Governor, still glaring at the urn. Kevin is standing with his arms crossed behind the Governor.Governor: There's nothing on the urn and nothing under it or in the case it sits on...Panel 3Same as panel 2 but the Governor is looking back and grinning widely, while Kevin makes a disgusted face.Kevin: Forget it! I'm not getting cooked dead guy on my hands to find something IN the urn!
==June 30==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Single PanelA person who looks somewhat like Al is standing, facing right, while Al is standing, facing left. Both have a slight hunch, long brown hair covering their eyes, and belt strap hanging out, but the one on the left is wearing a dark suit with two lapel buttons and a tie, and Al is wearing a white shirt and blue jeans.Caption: Today is my brother's 18th birthday. He was born 8 years behind me, so because of the age gap we don't have too much in common...Al brother: *GRUNT!*Al: *GRUNT!*
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