Episode 102: Connie Stevens/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 102: Connie Stevens.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Connie Stevens, and from Sesame Street, Ernie and Bert.
Fozzie	Hey! That Gonzo is so dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water so he wants us to dilute it.
Kermit	To introduce our guest star, that's what I'm here to do, so it really makes me happy, to introduce to you... Miss Connie Stevens!
 	Connie Stevens tussles with The Mutations
 	
 	Gonzo hits the "O" and it shatters
==Opening Number==
 	Main Stage. Kermit enters
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest star is the beautiful and vivacious Miss Connie Stevens. So we're gonna have a great show for you tonight, and matter of fact, right now I'd like you to meet another friend of mine. Her name is Lydia, Hit it!
 	
 	The curtain opens, revealing Rowlf playing piano and Animal playing drums in the background,in the foreground, Kermit sings Lydia, the Tattooed Lady as Lydia,a tattoed pig dances next to him
 	Kermit and Lydia exit the stage, and encounter a waiting Miss Piggy
Kermit 	Oh, uh, Piggy, Have you met Lydia?
Miss Piggy	No, Have you met my left fist?
 	Miss Piggy then punches Kermit
Statler 	I love it, I love it!
Waldorf 	Of course he loves it, He's the kind of guy who plants poison ivy.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo follows Hilda, trying to get her attention
Gonzo 	Hilda, Hilda, Could I ask a great big favor?
Hilda 	Oh, Gonzo, I'm very busy right now.
Gonzo 	Oh, but I brought my teddy bear in just especially for you to repair.
Hilda 	Gonzo, aren't you a little old to carry around a teddy bear?
Gonzo 	Really? You think I'm emotionally mature enough to move up to a Raggedy Ann?
Hilda 	Gonzo, I categorically, absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear.
Gonzo 	Can I take that to mean "maybe"?
 	Fozzie exits a dressing room upstairs
Hilda 	(Exasperated) Oh.
Gonzo 	Oh, come on, Hilda, What do you say? Huh?
Hilda 	I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theater. Why not get rid of him?
Gonzo 	But, but Hilda!
 	Hilda and Gonzo exit
Fozzie	The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theater? My whole life is flashing before my eyes.
==The Swedish Chef==
Swedish Chef	(Singing)
Yøeng, bør dëng,
De hü, badeskedøø,
Ye bø gedür deyør
Mmm børk børk børk!''
 	He tosses away the ladles
Swedish Chef	(addresses viewer) In dis bøwl de Swëdish Mëatbäll. (He picks up a salt shaker) Here is dër sauce dër mëatbälls.
 	After adding seasoning to the meatballs, he picks up a spatula, and accidentally spills one meatball out of the pot
Swedish Chef	Das no good, Oop!
 	He picks up another meatball and bounces it on the table
Swedish Chef	Oh, Is a bëencey bøüncy bürger, eh? I serve dë bürger comme ça.
 	He picks up a tennis racket and begins "serving" the meatballs
 	
 	Statler serves them back from his box
Waldorf 	15 love!
==Backstage==
 	Wayne and Wanda exit their dressing room
Wayne 	Kermit, this is an ultimatum, we sing tonight or else!
Wanda 	Kermit's not here, Wayne.
Wayne 	Hmm, Hiding from my wrath, no doubt.
Wanda 	That's funny, He's not on stage either.
Wayne 	Wanda, no one is on stage.
Wanda 	You mean?
Wayne 	Yes, This is our chance, We must grasp it!
Wanda 	But this is supposed to be the place for the Connie Stevens spot.
Wayne 	Oh, we'll cut the Connie Stevens spot.
 	Connie Stevens exits her dressing room and stands behind Wayne, who is unaware of her presence
 	
Wayne 	Who needs the Connie Stevens spot? Who cares about the Connie Stevens spot?
 	Wanda exits back into their dressing room, and Wayne becomes aware the Connie Stevens is standing behind him
Wayne 	I can't wait for the Connie Stevens spot!
 	He runs back into his dressing room. Connie then walks down the stairs, stopping midway
Connie Stevens	Well, I thought Kermit was gonna introduce me.
 	Kermit enters below Connie on the floor
Kermit 	And indeed he shall.
Connie Stevens	Hi, Kermit.
Kermit 	Hi, Connie, Wow, Hey, listen, gang, I'd like to introduce that indefatigable blonde bundle of beauty and talent, Miss Connie Stevens/
Connie Stevens	Wow!
Kermit 	And that was only your backstage introduction. When you sing your song, I'm gonna pull out all the stops.
Connie Stevens	Aw, thanks, Kermit, You're so kind.
Kermit 	It was my pleasure. Incidentally, I've been looking at this number you're gonna do, and I don't remember ever hearing it before.
Connie Stevens	Yeah, well, when I get done with it, you may never hear it again. Listen, it was a big hit back in the '50s.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah?
Connie Stevens	And I would like to dedicate this to my old boyfriend, Jimmy McAfee, he used to sing this to me in his hot rod back in 1956, in the front seat.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah? Your first love, huh?
Connie Stevens	Yeah, sure was a beautiful car.
 	
Kermit 	I I, I meant Jimmy McAfee.
Connie Stevens	Oh, yeah, Jimmy McAfee, Kermit, boy, did I love him. He had this long, thick, greasy hair, you know, and he used to wear this big leather jacket, and you know something? If we had saved Jimmy's hair we wouldn't have anyoiI shortage today.
Kermit 	I can't wait to hear the song, And like I told you earlier, we got a group to back you up.
Connie Stevens	Fantastic!
 	The Mutations rush out of their dressing room, growling
Connie Stevens	Is that the group?
Kermit 	Yep, You called it.
Connie Stevens	Well, they aren't The Temptations.
Kermit 	No, those are The Mutations.
Connie Stevens	Delightful.
Kermit 	Yeah, Well, I tell you what, I'm gonna go out there, and give you a big 1950s disc-jockey style introduction, OK?
Connie Stevens	OK.
Kermit 	Whoo!
=="A Teenager in Love"==
Kermit 	This is Kermit the Frog, your favorite jock, with all the top tunes of today spinning merrily out your way stacks and stacks of wax and wax, and this is a golden oldie, a blast from the past, The fabulous Connie Stevens and The Mutations with a platter that mattered way back in 1956, Let's lock on "Teenager In Love," Connie, you're on!
 	
 	Connie sings "Teenager in Love" backed up by the Mutations. At the end of the song, Connie and the Mutations battle for the audience's applause, as they already did in the opening theme
Statler	Ah, how poignant, I remember being a teenager in love.
Waldorf	Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn't have you!
==Backstage==
 	
Gonzo 	Kermit, don't tell me you don't like him either.
 	Fozzie peaks through a opening in the door next to Kermit and Gonzo
Kermit	Well, what's to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst, I say let's get rid of him, OK?
Gonzo 	But he's a nice bear, Come on, I don't care if he is moldy-looking, I like him.
 	Kermit walks off with Gonzo in tow
Fozzie	(addresses audience) Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me, and he thinks I'm moldy.
==At the Dance==
Dr. Teeth 	I see they've finally started to class this place up.
Mildred Huxtetter	How do you mean?
Dr. Teeth 	They're making the rats wear neckties.
 	A Rat wearing a necktie dancing with Miss Mousey then pass in front of them
Rat 	two, three, dip. One, two, three, dip.
 	Animal is then shown dancing with Trumpet Girl
Animal 	One, two, three, dip.
 	He dips her too hard, and she screams
Animal 	One, two, three, dip.
 	He again dips her too hard causing her to scream again
Female Whatnot 	Bruce, this is not a fox trot.
 	
 	The couple turn around revealing Bruce to the audience
Bruce 	It is to me.
== UK Spot: Ain't Misbehavin'==
	
	Floyd Pepper sings "Ain't Misbehavin'" with backup from Zoot and Janice.
==Talk Spot==
Kermit 	Uh, Connie, at last (He crosses his legs) we're alone.
Connie Stevens	You know something? I think it's terrific being with you.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah?
 	Connie begins singing (They Long to Be) Close to You to Kermit, Fozzie then joins in singing to Connie, who then begins singing to Kermit again, Fozzie- Jealous walks back to his side of the wall, until Connie begins singing to both of them, and they all three close out the song
Waldorf 	I'd like to get close to Connie Stevens, but I'm too close to something else.
Statler 	Well, what's that?
Waldorf 	90.
==Backstage==
 	
 	In Fozzie's dressing room, he packs his things
Fozzie 	I've had it, Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show.
Gonzo 	(On the other side of the door) Oh, hi, guys, Say, I'm curious, What do you think of him?
Fozzie 	Listen, they're talking about me, Well, I will not listen,
 	
Scooter	What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. (through the door): No, no, really, Every time I look at him he makes me want to laugh and laugh. Oh, I think he's just great.
Gonzo 	(through the door) Oh, well, I'm glad you like him too, (on-screen): Kermit thinks it's a disgrace to have him around and says we ought to get a new one.
Scooter	Well, that'd be nice too.
 	Fozzie is aghast
Fozzie 	The bear can barely bear it, folks.
==Sax and Violence==
 	
Nigel	OK, Zoot, It's time for your solo, have you looked over the music?
Zoot 	Yeah. You expect me to play this, man?
Nigel	What else would you do with it?
Zoot 	If I had a match, I could put it out of its misery.
Nigel	Trust me, Zoot. This is a great little number.
Zoot 	Eh, what if I refuse to play it?
Nigel	What if I get a new sax player?
Zoot 	What if you and I just get right down to it and do this little beauty? Huh?
Nigel	Good thought.
Zoot 	Yeah. Forgive me, Charlie Parker, wherever you are.
 	200px
 	Zoot begins playing "Sax and Violence", and is soon joined by Mahna Mahna playing percussion on a bell, soon he begins hitting Zoot's Saxaphone and punching him in the face, Zoot plays into his Sax one last time, blowing him up
==Gonzo's Act==
Kermit	OK, And now for your amazement and confusion, The Muppet Show's resident weird person, Gonzo the Great, will grow a tomato plant whilst playing the 1812 Overture on the violin.
 	200px
Gonzo 	Thank you, thank you, this is the tomato plant, and I am the Gonzo.
 	Kermit, Hilda and Scooter watch on from stage right
Kermit	This act may not last long.
 	Gonzo begins playing, and gets booed
Gonzo 	Whoo! Whee-aaa-hahah!
Kermit	In fact, it's over.
==Backstage==
 	The plant begins growing out of control, and Gonzo stumbles stage right, with the plant collecting Hilda and Scooter
Kermit	Well, they're gonna be tied up for a while.
 	Fozzie approaches Kermit
Fozzie	Goodbye, Mr. Frog.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie? Where are you going?
Fozzie	Oh, I've been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear here, so I'm going home, I'm leaving the show business.
 	Fozzie prepares an exit
Kermit	But...
 	Gonzo enters
Gonzo 	Kermit,
Fozzie	Bye.
Gonzo 	If the bear goes, I go,
 	
 	Fozzie runs back and hugs Gonzo
Fozzie	Wha Gonzo, I never realized! Oh, boy, oh, boy, OK, OK, The ball is in your court, frog.
Kermit	Uh, wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute, Hold it, Hold it. Listen, Fozzie, when you heard people saying they didn't want the bear around here they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear, not to you.
Fozzie	Teddy bear? (he pushes Gonzo aside) Oh, you mean Then you really want me to stay on the show?
Kermit	Of course I want you to stay on the show, you're a star, you're a legend in your own time.
Fozzie	Oh!
Kermit	(Addresses audience) Am I laying it on a little too thick?
Fozzie	Oh, I don't know what to say, except that if you, the frog, want me, the bear, to stay, then I just have to have a raise.
Kermit	What?
Fozzie	Oh, yeah, Yeah, I want an even bigger dressing room, and a limousine.
Kermit	Will you get out of here, Fozzie?
Fozzie	Thank you, sir, Thank you, Thank you,
Gonzo 	Yeah, well, like I was saying, Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.
Kermit	OK, OK, You can stay, the teddy bear can stay, both bears can stay, The Gonzo can stay. Phew! Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.
==Muppet News Flash==
The Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. And now, to Washington DC for a direct call on our hot line.
 	
 	He picks up the phone, but it's hot
The Newsman	Ooh! Oh! Oh!
==Closing Number==
Kermit	And now it's time to present two old friends of ours all the way from Sesame Street, here they are now the two and only, Ernie and Bert.
 	
Ernie 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gee, it's really great to be here, right, Bert?
Bert 	Uh Guess so.
Ernie 	Well, what's wrong, Bert?
Bert 	Well, I mean, uh I feel funny being here, this is a big TV variety show, you know.
Ernie 	Well, so?
Bert 	Well, I I'm no performer.
Ernie 	Oh, Bert, A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?
Bert 	Oh, sure, sure, You see, I know you, you're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have, and how floppy arms I have, and, and how dull I am, I know you.
Ernie 	Oh, Bert, Bert, Bert.
Bert 	What?
Ernie 	Now, you must admit though, Bert, that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert, and you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert. (He flaps Bert's arm) See that?
Bert 	Mm-hm, Mm-hm, Mm-hm.
Ernie 	And Bert? Bert?
Bert 	What?
 	Ernie pulls off Bert's nose
Ernie 	The nose is still loose, Bert.
Bert 	Now cut that out!
Ernie 	Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Bert, here, there we go, Bert.
 	Ernie places Bert's nose back onto his face
Bert 	Yeah, See what I mean? I mean, that old loose nose joke is funny on Sesame Street, but this is big time, Ernie. I mean, they're expecting an act or something.
Ernie 	Hey, Bert, wait a minute,
Bert 	What?
Ernie 	You can do an act, all you need are the clothes, Bert.
Bert 	Ah, no Clothes?
Ernie 	Come here, Bert, Step right over here.
Bert 	No, I No, stop it.
Ernie 	No, no, right over here, Bert.
 	Ernie drags Bert offscreen
Bert 	I know what you have in mind, Stop it!
 	Ernie comes back on screen
Ernie 	And here he is now, that suave, sophisticated showman, my old buddy, Bert.
 	Bert comes out wearing a tuxedo, top hat and cane
Ernie 	Well, Bert? What do you say?
Bert 	(singing) Some enchanted evening
Ernie 	Beg pardon, Bert?
Bert 	(singing) You may see a stranger
 	a set begins rolling in
Ernie 	What's going on here?
 	
 	Bert begins singing "Some Enchanted Evening" and serenades Connie Stevens
Bert 	Ernie?
Ernie 	Hmm?
Bert 	Ernie, come here.
Ernie 	What, Bert?
Bert 	Did I just make a complete fool of myself?
Ernie 	Absolutely, Bert.
Bert 	Take me home, I feel terrible.
Ernie 	OK, Come on, Bert.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, Connie, we sure want to thank you for being with us on the show tonight.
Connie Stevens 	Well, thank you, Kermit, I had a ball.
Kermit 	Uh, listen, Hey, we'd also like to present you with a little gift that we give to all our guest stars on the show: a Muppet likeness of yourself.
 	
 	A Muppet likeness of Connie walks out
Connie Stevens Muppet	Uh, hiya, Connie, Do you think there's room for two of us in this business?
Connie Stevens 	Well, can you sing and dance?
Connie Stevens Muppet	Uh, no.
Connie Stevens 	Well, then, there's plenty of room. Thanks a lot, Kermit, This is a lovely surprise, I would like to thank...
 	Connie Stevens gets dragged offstage by Gonzo's plant, Connie Stevens Muppet chases after
Kermit 	Oh, no. It's a... It's a crazy Great Gonzo tomato plant! (yelling offstage): Hey, make sure Connie's OK, and tell Gonzo that either the plant goes or he goes, (addresses audience): We lose more guests that way, Anyhow, take care of yourselves, and we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
 	Ending Theme
Statler 	Well, do you think this show is educational?
Waldorf 	Yes, it'll drive people to read books.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts