Episode 420: Alan Arkin/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 420: Alan Arkin.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Oh Alan? Alan Arkin? Twenty-eight seconds to curtain, Mr. Arkin!
Alan 	Thank you, Scooter.
Scooter	Did you get that milkshake you ordered?
Alan 	Uh, not yet, but the Chef is working on it.
 	
 	The Swedish Chef shakes a cow and hums. Alan takes to the camera.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Alan Arkin! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	
 	Beauregard mops Rowlf's piano keys while he's still playing it.
Rowlf 	Hey! Beauregard! C'mon!
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet mimics a typewriter.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and WELCOME again to The Muppet Show! And have we got a show for you! Well, yes, as a matter of fact, we have. Yes, it's gonna be a TERRIFIC show, because our very special guest star is that fantastic actor, singer and director, Mr. Alan Arkin! (audience aahs) Yes! But before we meet Alan, let us take a trip down south, where we shall meet some very strange TOURISTS! YAAAAYY!
 	
 	The Devil and Johnny play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia".
Statler	Well, I've seen many an egg laid on this show, but this is a first.
Waldorf	Why?
Statler	It laid a deviled egg.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The Muppets from the opening number pass by.
Kermit 	Okay. Terrific, guys. Devil, you were good.
 	
Devil 	GOOD?? I'm not supposed to be good! Awwwww! (walks off)
 	Kermit is suddenly flocked by rabbits.
Kermit 	Uh, wait a second, who're you guys?
 	
Rabbits 	We're the Bun-Bun Brothers!
 	Kermit scowls.
Rabbit (SW) 	Can we do a number?
Kermit 	Uh, no.
Rabbits 	Why?
Kermit 	Uh, well, you see, it's politics. If I allowed for, uh, singing rabbits, then the dancing carrots would cancel.
Rabbits 	Awwww!
Kermit 	Uh, well, if you'll excuse me, I gotta check the set for Alan's first number.
 	The rabbits follow him, begging. Dr. Bunsen walks with a glass.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Well, I'll just take this glass of bicarbonate of soda up to Alan Arkin's dressing room …
 	Beaker approaches, also holding a glass.
Beaker 	(meeping frantically)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Beaker! Why are you carrying that glass of ultra-powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion?
 	Floyd, reading Variety, overhears them.
Floyd 	Ultra-powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion? (blinks)
 	Both glasses are on the table. Bunsen switches them as he talks.
Beaker 	(meeping frantically)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Beaker, are you trying to tell me that we have accidentally switched these glasses?
Beaker 	(confirms)
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Well, we must simply un-switch them.
 	He switches them again, then Beaker does.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	No no no, Beaker, I said, we must un-switch them. After all, we wouldn't want Alan Arkin to drink the glass of ultra-powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion. (goes upstairs with a glass)
Floyd 	(to camera) This could be a very different kind of show tonight.
==Dressing room==
 	Alan combs his hair. Bunsen knocks on the door.
Alan 	Come in.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Hello, Mr. Arkin. I understand you're not feeling too well. I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and this is Beaker…
Alan 	Oh, it's nothing serious. I just have a little heartburn. I mean, I appreciate you and your nurse …
Beaker 	(gasps, meeps)
Alan 	(points to Beaker) What's the matter with her?
Beaker 	(gasps, meeps)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, nothing.
Beaker 	(meeps)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, stop it, Beaker. I think it's cute. (sigh) Anyway, that's why we're here. Drink this and you can say toodly-binky-boos to that nasty old tummy upset.
Alan 	Toodly-binky-boos, eh? All right.
 	
 	He drinks from the glass, then starts trembling. Bunsen and Beaker watch in horror as he covers his face. When he uncovers it, he reveals fangs and thicker eyebrows, roaring. He starts wrecking the room.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, golly, Beaker, I don't think we got it right after all!
Beaker 	(meeps)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Relax, Beaker! Stop it! He'd never harm a nurse!
 	Alan/Hyde messes with Beaker's head and bites his nose. He then breaks a hole in the wall and exits.
=="Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's guest star time. And here he is to sing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah", Mr. Alan—
 	
Scooter 	Kermit! Kermit! Uh, I don't think you'd better introduce Alan Arkin right now.
Kermit 	Why not?
Scooter 	Well, uh, well, he's changed.
Kermit 	Well, of course he's changed. He had to put on his costume for this number.
Scooter 	I mean he's changed in another way.
Kermit 	Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Just let me finish the introduction. ladies and gentlemen —
 	He overhears Alan/Hyde roaring.
Kermit 	What was that?
Scooter 	Alan Arkin.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, the fabulously talented, the Bun-Bun Brothers.
 	
 	On stage, the Bun-Bun Brothers sing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" on a set of green fields and trees with a rainbow backdrop. Alan/Hyde storms into the number, violently tearing the set apart and brutally beating the bunnies, who start to question whether it's a "wonderful day". One rabbit hides in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Rabbit (FO)	You look like two kindly old gentlemen. Can I hide here?
 	A beat.
Statler 	Hey Alan! Here's one you missed!
 	They toss the rabbit out of the box and chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	As the rabbits skitter, Kermit addresses a gang of pigs.
Kermit 	Uh — uh — now he's coming off stage, guys. Now when he gets here, throw the ropes around him, and then we can get him into the straitjacket. Okay?
Rabbit (DG) 	Here he comes! (runs away)
 	Alan/Hyde emerges, and the pigs gang up on him.
Kermit 	Tie him up! Yes — that's it … get him good …
 	Alan rises - the potion has worn off.
 	
Alan 	Excuse me, guys. Uh, would you mind taking this rope off me, please?
Kermit 	(bewildered) Uh — Alan — you're back!
Alan 	Yeah, I never left — I just came down to do my number, Kermit.
Kermit 	(stammering) Well — uh — pigs, get out of here — take those ropes off, uh, our guest star and get outta here! Out out out out out out! (the pigs leave) Sorry about that, Alan. Uh — but uh — you uh — y-you don't remember any of that?
Alan 	I remember it's time to do my number.
Kermit 	Oh. Oh — well — well — actually I had to cancel your number.
Alan 	Why? I — I thought you liked that number, Kermit.
Kermit 	Well — it's not that, exactly — it's
Alan 	(crying) Don't explain. You're the boss. I guess it just wasn't good enough.
 	He goes upstairs to the dressing room, sobbing.
Kermit 	Well, at least he's not a monster anymore.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Well, Mr. Kermit, that's the thing about my ultra-powerful Jekyll-and-Hyde potion.
 	
 	Alan/Hyde briefly emerges from the dressing room, arms out, roaring.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(sigh) It comes and it goes.
Kermit 	Eesh.
=="I Got Rhythm"==
 	Rowlf plays the piano while Fozzie sings.
Fozzie 	(off-beat) I got rhythm … I got— two, three — I got rhythm…
Rowlf 	Uh, wait, wait, wait a second, Fozzie. Hold on. Uh, you're starting wrong. It goes like this. Let me show you. I got rhythm…
Fozzie 	Oh. Gotcha, gotcha. I got —
Rowlf 	Not yet. Not yet. Now.
Fozzie 	(off-beat) I got rhythm … I got …
Rowlf 	No, no … Fozzie, hold on a second. Let me — let me make one little change here.
 	He scribbles on the sheet music and hands it to Fozzie.
Rowlf 	Okay. Now sing that.
Fozzie 	Yes sir.
 	Rowlf resumes playing.
 	
Fozzie 	(reading) I DON'T got rhythm.
Rowlf 	Mm-hm.
Fozzie 	I don't got rhythm.
Rowlf 	That's for sure.
Fozzie 	I don't got rhythm.
Fozzie & Rowlf	Who could ask for anything more?
Statler 	We could!
Waldorf 	Yeah, earplugs! (laughs with Statler)
Fozzie & Rowlf	Who could ask for anything more?
 	Rowlf finishes and shakes his head. Applause.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
 	The Swinetrek quickly falls in mid-space.
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	Open on the inside of the Swinetrek, which is tilted to the right.
Announcer 	When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it had developed a severe list.
Miss Piggy 	Do something!
Link Hogthrob 	(fiddling with the controls) I can't correct it! There's something wrong with the gyro-slopic … what do you call it, Dr. Strangepork?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I don't know, but if it isn't fixed, it'll sure louse up our billiard game tonight.
Link Hogthrob 	Right.
Miss Piggy 	But — maybe I can fix it.
Link Hogthrob 	You?
Miss Piggy 	Hah. (grunts)
 	She moves towards the center, and the ship balances out.
Link Hogthrob 	Hey.
Miss Piggy 	Oh. Well. Ahem. I fixed it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	But all you did was sit in Link's seat.
Link Hogthrob 	Maybe it took a woman's touch! (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	It's working, isn't it, gentlemen?
Link Hogthrob 	Yes it is. Okay, let me back in my own seat here.
 	He switches seats with Piggy, and the ship immediately tilts again.
 	
Miss Piggy 	(grunts) 'Scuse me. Whoa! Wait! Wait! Oh no!
Link Hogthrob 	Help! Help! It's doing it again.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Wait. First Mate Piggy, come here please.
Miss Piggy 	Why?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Just come here.
Miss Piggy 	(sigh) All right. (grunts) Watch it.
 	She makes her way over to Strangepork, and the ship tilts in the other direction.
Miss Piggy 	What is it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Link, I think we've found the answer. (indicates Piggy)
Link Hogthrob 	Oh?
Miss Piggy 	It's a coincidence, Strangepork!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh yeah? Then why don't you go back to your own seat?
Miss Piggy 	Well, I think I will! Ahem. (grunts)
 	She makes her way over to her seat, and almost makes it when she realizes…
Miss Piggy 	Uh-oh.
 	She quickly sits down, and the ship rapidly tilts to the right.
Link Hogthrob 	Hey, I get it now! (points to Piggy and laughs)
Miss Piggy 	One word from you, lard-lips, and you're dead!
Link Hogthrob 	As you wish, First Mate FATSO! (laughs with Strangepork)
Miss Piggy 	FATSO?! That does it! Hi-YAH!
 	She uses her weight as a weapon.
Link Hogthrob 	Help! Get her away from me!
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH!
 	The tilt/chase continues. Blackout.
==UK spot==
 	In the sky, an angel sings, backed up by her peers.
Angel (LG)	
Feeling better now that we're through.
Feeling better 'cause I'm over you.
I learned my lesson, it left a scar.
Now I see how you really are —
Angels 	
You're no good, you're no good,
You're no good, baby, you're no good.
Angel (LG)	I'm gonna say it again.
Angels 	
You're no good, you're no good,
You're no good, baby, you're no good.
 	
Angel (LG)	Oh, it's you, you little devil.
Devil 	(reappears) Yeah, it's me. I'm back, angel baby.
Angel (LG)	Hey, where've you been all this time?
Devil 	(reappears) You know, hanging out with the guys. Did you miss me?
Angel (LG)	Miss you? I was lonely as heck.
Devil 	(reappears) Hmm, then all is forgiven, honey child, honey lamb, honey baby, honey pie?
Angel (LG)	Are you kiddin'? You know how dull things have been around here without you.
Devil 	Aw, then come on, baby, light my fire! C'mon! (chases her)
Devil 	If you'll have me back again, we'll start out anew.
Angel (LG)	It's not easy forgetting you.
All 	
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no good, baby, we're no good.
We're gonna say it again.
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no good, baby, we're no good.
Angel (LG)	Oh! Oh! Oh!
Devil 	Oh! Oh! Oh!
All 	
We're no good, we're no good,
We're no good, baby, we're no good.
 	The devil continues chasing her. Applause.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's comedy time! And here he is, our own furry funnyman, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens. Fozzie emerges as his fanfare plays. Applause.
Fozzie 	Hiya hiya hiya! Thank you, thank you and thank YOU! (the applause continues) Hey — uh, hey, uh, that's nice, but y'know, if you keep applauding you won't hear my monologue. (the applause continues, then dies down) Okay, okay. But — but — 'course, that doesn't mean I want you to sit on your hands.
 	
Waldorf	Don't worry! We won't!
Fozzie 	Good.
Statler	Yeah, if we sit on our hands, we can't throw things at you! (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	Please, give me a chance, will ya? Okay. A very funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater.
Waldorf	Too bad it didn't happen after you got here! (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	(facepalm) Oh boy. Uh, you're making me so nervous I — I forgot what I was gonna say.
Statler	Oh, mission accomplished! (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	Aw, c'mon, please! I'm begging! Please! Just— just one joke! That's all I ask! Just one joke!
Waldorf	I think he deserves that, don't you?
Statler	No, but go ahead. (they chuckle)
Fozzie 	Oh, thank you, thank you. Okay, ahem. Joke. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Waldorf	I don't know. What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
Fozzie 	Half-way!
Waldorf	That's pretty funny.
Statler	(somber) No it isn't.
Waldorf	Hmm?
Statler	I was on that ship. Wasn't funny then and it isn't funny now.
Waldorf	(laughs)
Fozzie 	(sigh) I gotta get a different line of work. Maybe dry cleaning or something.
 	He exits as his fanfare plays. Applause.
Waldorf	Why'd you do that to poor Fozzie?
Statler	Do what? I really was on the Titanic.
Waldorf	I know! You still have the dress you wore so they'd let you on the lifeboat! (laughs)
Statler	Awww…
==Backstage / Kermit and "Mr. Frog"==
 	Two frightened bunnies gather around Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, how was it, Fozzie?
Fozzie 	Just my luck. A Titanic survivor in the audience.
Kermit 	Okay, let's see, now where did I leave my clipboard? Hey — would you guys stop following me?
Rabbit (SW) 	Oh, please, Mr. Kermit, protect us from your guest star, Alan Arkin!
Kermit 	Uh, listen, guys, I know that Alan accidentally drank the ultra-powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion. But he really is a sweet, sensitive, gentle man.
 	The bunnies shriek when they hear Alan/Hyde roaring.
Kermit 	And I'll protect you from him! But right now I have an introduction to make.
 	The bunnies follow him onstage. Bunsen emerges with another glass.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, this is just too dangerous. I'm going to have to throw this ultra-powerful Jekyll-Hyde potion away now.
Kermit 	(onstage) And here he is now, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew in Muppet Labs!
 	The "Muppet Labs" theme plays. Bunsen puts down the glass and goes onstage.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, heavens to horsefeathers. I've just been introduced.
Kermit 	Uh, get out there, Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, yes.
Kermit 	Uh, now would you rabbits stop hopping when I make introductions? It's ridiculous. (notices the glass) Oh, good. I'm kinda thirsty.
 	
 	He sips from the glass, then starts twitching.
Kermit 	Uh — well uh — now uh — where'd I put that — IRP! Where'd I put that — IRP! — prop list?
Rabbit (SW) 	Thanks for letting us stay with you, Mr. Kermit. We feel safe near you.
 	
 	Kermit turns into "Mr. Frog", and chases after the bunnies.
Alan 	Hey, uh, Kermit? Could you hold it down a little bit please? I'm trying to take a rest.
Kermit 	(roars)
Alan 	Well, I don't understand why you're annoyed with me.
Kermit 	(roars)
Alan 	Kermit, I — I've worked very hard on that final number! I've been told it's the kind of number that can really grab you.
 	Kermit bites Alan on the wrist and writhes.
 	
Alan 	When — when I used the word "grab" I was speaking metaphorically.
 	Kermit wrestles Alan to the ground, then goes onstage, where an old lady sings with a snake.
 	
Old lady 	Oh, let me go … let me go … let me go — Ow! Ooh! Lover …
 	Kermit chases her off, then goes behind the curtain, where he turns back to his normal self.
=="Pig Shuffle"==
Kermit 	Uh, gee, I'm feeling kind of weird tonight. Uh, but anyway, it's guest star time, and here I am to introduce him, unless of course he's turned into a raging beast … hmm?
Scooter 	Oh, good news, chief. He's been his normal, lovable self for a few minutes now.
Kermit 	Oh, good. Uh, incidentally, Scooter, do you know where Miss Piggy is right now?
Scooter 	Well, no.
Kermit 	Well, it might be best to keep her in her dressing room, 'cause I don't think she should hear this closing number.
Scooter 	Anything you say, boss. (runs off)
Kermit 	Mm-hm. Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, the world knows Alan Arkin as a great film actor, but wait, he's also a fantastic singer and composer. Here he is singing one of his most beloved ballads, Mr. Alan Arkin! YAAAYYY!
 	Open on Alan, backed up by the Electric Mayhem.
Alan 	Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. It's great to be back on The Muppet Show. It's fantastic to be back on The Muppet Show, even if it is the first time I've been on The Muppet Show. But seriously, folks — we'd like to do a little number for you now that… is about one of my favorite animals, I certainly hope it's about one of your favorite animals, a little number we call — "Pig"!
 	The Mayhem plays. He sings.
Alan 	
If you live in a barnyard,
And your mother's a sow,
If you sleep on manure,
Don't ask me how.
If your eyes are quite tiny,
And your ears very big,
You can be fairly certain,
What you are is a pig.
Alan & Mayhem	
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig!
 	Kermit watches from the wings. Miss Piggy joins his side.
Alan 	
If you like to dig truffles
Out from under the ground,
If you like to make noises,
Oink's your favorite sound.
If you sleep through the morning
Every chance you can rig, 
Then there's no need to question,
What you are is a pig.
 	Piggy stews.
Alan & Mayhem	
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig!
Alan 	
If you like to push garbage
All around with your nose,
If you like to feel mud ooze up
Between your two toes,
If your tail is all curly,
But not all that big,
Then don't bother to wonder - 
You can bet you're a pig!
Miss Piggy 	(hyperventilates)
Scooter 	No, no, no.
Miss Piggy 	Let me — let me at him.
Scooter 	(restrains her) No, no, Miss Piggy.
Alan & Mayhem	
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig, pig, pig,
Pig, pig!
Alan 	
Whoa! If you walk in your breakfast, 
If you sit in your lunch,
If you roll in your dinner,
Then I've got a strong hunch,
You're no muskrat or beaver, 
No tomato or fig,
There's no need to question,
I'm gonna tell you the truth of the situation,
What you are, my friend,
You might as well find out now,
What you are ...
What you are is a pig.
What you are is a pig! Whoa, yeah …
 	
 	Piggy storms the stage, ending the number with a karate chop.
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH!
 	The blow causes Arkin to turn back into a monster, scaring her off the stage.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Thank you very much! It's been a great show, ladies and gentlemen, marred only by the fact that our guest star and I keep turning into rampaging monsters. But here he is anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. ALAN ARKIN! YAAAAYYY!
 	Alan comes out to applause.
Alan 	Well, I don't really remember a lot of it, Kermit, but I'm fairly sure I had a terrific time.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Woo-hoo-hoo! Excuse me, I think I'd get offstage if I were you!
Alan 	Why's that?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, the bunny rabbits just drank the Jekyll-Hyde potion!
 	
 	Bunsen runs away. The Hyde-rabbits clamor the stage. Alan fends them off.
Kermit 	Oh no! Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	Beaker runs away. Fozzie look on as the credits roll.
 	
Statler 	You think that Jekyll-Hyde stuff is expensive?
Waldorf 	No, my wife has a whole glass of it every morning!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts