Episode 9/Transcription

Kevin: This podcast is recorded in front of a live studio beagle.
Ursula: Hello out there in Internet land, yet again! This is Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap.
Kevin: Yes, and we will be eating... cheap! Cheap cheap. Boy, are we eating cheap.
Ursula: I'm a little afraid, actually.
Kevin: This one's gonna be interesting. A pound of food! A pound of food.
Ursula: What Kevin is referring to is that -- that epitome of the frozen TV dinner, the Hungry Man frozen meal. This is a "Pub Favorites", and if you could just imagine me making little airquotes, that would probably be appropriate. It bills itself as "A Pound of Food", that is a selling point on the front.
Kevin: Chopped beefsteak, so grilled beef patties in an onion beer gravy, seasoned roasted potatoes, and green beans with bacon.
Ursula: Now the really weird thing about this is that I think when most of us think Hungry Man we remember back in the day when there was that one Hungry Man breakfast that had three thousand calories, which was a day and a half worth of recommended calories for a human being -- at least, based on the two-thousand-calorie diet that most of us are supposed to be on.
Kevin: Right.
Ursula: This thing's only got five hundred and seventy calories. And that blows my mind, because the Boston Market, you know, Salisbury Steak and Mac and Cheese that I love has like seven hundred, and the little tiny Lean Cuisines that I eat for lunch some days when, you know, I'm feeling like eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch...
Kevin: Ehhh.
Ursula: Are only like, between two seventy and maybe three hundred. So the pound of Hungry Man food is only like two Lean Cuisines. I... go figure. If Kevin and I split it, it's a diet meal.
Kevin: Now, in fairness here I'm staring at one of our other choices, which is the InnovAsian Cuisine General Tso's Chicken Breast; it has three servings per container, three hundred and sixty calories per serving, and that's -- so, three servings in the container, the container is one pound two ounces, so this box of General Tso's Chicken Breast at a little over a pound...
Ursula: Is like half again the Hungry Man calories.
Kevin: Right. Now, I don't know if that means that we should be splitting the Hungry Man in two servings so that we get something reasonable, or if the General Tso's Chicken is just overloaded.
Ursula: I don't really think it is, though, 'cause compared to a lot of the other stir-fries and whatnot that's not that unreasonable.
Kevin: And I probably could have used more food from the General Tso's. We'll talk about that a little bit later.
Ursula: We also have the Patak's Original Butter Chicken With Rice, microwaveable in ninety seconds.
Kevin: We're -- we've been kind of on an Indian kick when it comes to the instant foods because --
Ursula: There's a lot of it available!
Kevin: There really is, and it didn't used to be.
Ursula: Yes.
Kevin: I think that's some of it, and so finding good butter chicken outside of a restaurant is pretty cool if you can do it. Now this has no artificial colors or preservatives, it comes in a three hundred and forty calories for a single serving, which is one container -- that's about ten ounces, which is still six ounces less than the Hungry Man Pub Favorites in front of us.
Ursula: We're just baffled by the calories on the Hungry Man Pub Favorites, and while I would not do anything the company could construe as slander, some part of me goes, "They are totally lying about the calories, man!"
Kevin: And they can't, because that's like federal lawsuit time if they do.
Ursula: Well, yeah, but who's checking? Do you know how backlogged the FDA is? As far as the FDA's concerned, if it's not poisonous at the moment they're not concerned.
Kevin: Which is why they're out of the Gulf? Oh, sorry, too soon? Too soon.
Ursula: Well, you're going to sea-turtle hell.
Kevin: Well, we knew that.
Ursula: No, not sea-turtle hell, man! Now you'll be there and little turtles will be very slowly stabbing you with pitchforks and dumping oil on your head.
Kevin: Very, very slowly?
Ursula: Well, they're turtles.
Kevin: Okay, fair enough. So, staring at the butter chicken with rice! Are we gonna have that or are we gonna go with the Hungry Man first?
Ursula: I think we need to build up to the Hungry Man.
Kevin: So...
Ursula: I will begin on the Butter Chicken With Rice and you can tell them about preparing the General Tso's Chicken.
Kevin: The General Tso's Chicken Breast. So, the InnovAsian, it was something we hadn't seen before, it came in at five bucks in the --
Ursula: In the frozen food aisle --
Kevin: -- in the frozen food aisle. We have been doing a little more on the frozen food 'cause you can do some things with frozen, get some things that at least taste fresher, even though they require a little extra preparation. This was actually not that bad, the whole idea was "place sauce bag in warm water to thaw", so I did, and then heat some oil and add their pre-breaded chicken to a skillet, heat that on high, stirring occasionally, and the whole idea with that was to, you know, brown it, crisp it up, and then stir in the sauce, heat for an extra two minutes or until hot, which is what we did, it took a little longer than two minutes, and then serve. And it came out really well if you consider it was frozen...
Ursula: It was four ninety-nine for a meal for two --
Kevin: Yes.
Ursula: And preparation was pretty simple, I mean even non-cook me could probably have done it without setting anything on fire. I might have had a little trouble putting in too much oil or too little oil or something like that.
Kevin: In a lot of ways, yes, it was mall Chinese in your home.
Ursula: Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I wouldn't say it's great Chinese, but it was, y'know, cheap mall Chinese for... probably a little cheaper than you'd get it for two people, or --
Kevin: Yeah, I think so, I think so. What I really liked about this, though, that I find different from a lot of the frozen cheap mall Chinese we're getting these days, is the coating on the chicken. And the coating on the chicken was crispy, it came out much like it was a -- a fried breading from an actual restaurant --
Ursula: It wasn't soggy, although that could've been because we didn't microwave it --
Kevin: It wasn't soggy, that could've been because we didn't microwave it, they also have, um, heating oven instructions, so you can actually bake it, which I -- still, I don't think that's gonna come out as good as frying it --
Ursula: I have to say, the, um, it -- by itself it probably wasn't enough -- it was an okay entree, you need rice with it, you need veggies with it, you need something --
Kevin: Yes.
Ursula: It's not enough for two people by itself, and it says "family-style" entree kit, which I think they expect you to buy like, six of these boxes and do a big family-style thing --
Kevin: They do have a sticky white rice kit as well, box as well, and a pork egg rolls, so three boxes and you've got the entire family fed. We did have rice and, because we had it in the refrigerator, we had a pound bag of frozen chicken fried rice, and again it was mall Chinese fried rice, with I guess that added reheated rice business to it --
Ursula: That was the Trader Joe's Chicken -- Frozen Chicken Fried Rice --
Kevin: Ah, yes. Thank you.
Ursula: It was... okay.
Kevin: It was okay.
Ursula: I mean, it tasted -- it was leftover next-day frozen rice.
Kevin: I mean yeah, it was reheated rice. And so there -- it doesn't come out that sticky, but flavor-wise it wasn't bad.
Ursula: It was kinda bland.
Kevin: It was -- yeah.
Ursula: I think that's 'cause it was chicken fried rice and really I'm a pork fried rice type, you know, 'cause with the little chunks of the barbecued pork, you know --
Kevin: And instead there were the chunks of chicken, which is a very neutral meat, unless you're working with it a little bit to really bring out the chicken.
Ursula: Now this is kind of a digression, but since I have the internet in front of me right now, by which I mean you, not the actual internet, we have to turn that off when we broadcast so the little things don't like interfere with the recording, it's all stupid and technical, I don't understand it -- anyway, there was this thing I used to get on the West Coast, they make a dish that is called barbecue beef. It is an appetizer you get in every Chinese restaurant on earth, at least on the West Coast. And what it looks like is little strips of what I suspect was eye of round or something, it was a long narrow, uh, oval cross-section, slab of meat, and then it would have the neon red barbecue coating...
Kevin: Right.
Ursula: And, or this was barbecue pork, rather.
Kevin: Right, right, pork, yeah, I was gonna say, pork, I know this, pork, not beef.
Ursula: Yeah, pork, not beef, okay. Starting over. Barbecue pork. And it would be sliced very thinly, and have the neon red, y'know, coating --
Kevin: Right.
Ursula: And it would be presented usually in, you know, a little slab of -- little slices, laid out, and then you would serve it with hot mustard to dip it in or something.
Kevin: Right.
Ursula: It was delicious. They don't have it on the East Coast, 'cause every time I order barbecue pork, I get by-god barbecue pork, usually uncut, in like a freaky tub of goo.
Kevin: Really?
Ursula: It is terrifying, I don't know what it is, I haven't been able to bring myself to eat it --
Kevin: Because the barbecue pork you're talking about, the skewered thin slices in the --
Ursula: Well, they aren't skewered.
Kevin: Oh, they're skewered most of the time when I get them.
Ursula: Oh.
Kevin: I've gotten that plenty of times at Chinese restaurants.
Ursula: I've never been able to find it anywhere on the East Coast. When I order barbecue pork, they give me actual barbecue pork, or now that I'm here in the South they give me some hellish concoction with vinegar that we won't even talk about.
Kevin: Now, if -- I haven't seen that in a Chinese restaurant, although that would be interesting -- no no no, I -- next time we go to the cheap Chinese down the road, I will see if I can get that for you.
Ursula: Yeah, 'cause I've tried ordering it from places like that, and I get the plastic tub of terror.
Kevin: Okay. Okay.
Ursula: And it looks like a kidney or something, I don't know, it's -- maybe if I sat down and sliced it, it would be what I was after, but I have generally been so afraid of it and it smelled so funky.
Kevin: Okay, we will see what we can do to correct this, so --
Ursula: If any of you out there in internet-land have any idea what I'm talking about, or what the cultural difference may be between the coasts that what I'm getting there is not what I'm getting here, please feel free to write us --
Kevin: No, 'cause I used to get it in New York, I don't see what --
Ursula: New York is not the East Coast! New York is like, New York, it's a thing unto itself.
Kevin: Okay. Butter chicken.
Ursula: Butter chicken, yes.
Kevin: Butter chicken.
Ursula: Aw, this looks incredibly unappetizing.
Kevin: So the rice that comes with it is currently a brick, absolutely a brick. Are we supposed to stir or anything?
Ursula: It suggests that you "fluff rice with a fork".
Kevin: Okay. Fluffing -- there's only so much you can do with reheated rice, 'cause the grains don't actually stick together. Um, okay?
Ursula: This definitely fails our looks-like-the-packaging test.
Kevin: In several different ways. I mean, it's a brown sauce on the package and it's a red sauce in the thing, and I must be hungry 'cause --
Ursula: And the rice is white on the package and it's --
Kevin: It's, well, been coated in the sauce. And, all right, it doesn't smell... revolting or anything. Uh, how are you tasting?
Ursula: It tastes kinda like when we made butter chicken that time and it came out sorta like sloppy joes?
Kevin: A little.
Ursula: It's not bad.
Kevin: It's not bad. It says it has, what, medium heat, and it's relatively bland to me.
Ursula: Yeah, I'm not getting medium heat off this. It's -- it's not bad but it's actually surprisingly bland.
Kevin: I'm not sure this is actually chicken, the texture of the meat feels much more --
Ursula: It says it's grilled tandoori-seasoned chicken. "Chicken meat, water, nonfat yogurt, tandoori seasoning, chicken broth, spices, onion powder, garlic powder"... potato starch?
Kevin: In the sauce, there --
Ursula: However, it doesn't seem to be any, uh, high fructose corn syrup in it.
Kevin: Awesome.
Ursula: It's actual sugar, and that comes in under the fenugreek.
Kevin: Yeah, the texture of the chicken really is coming out more like pork chop than chicken, you know what I mean?
Ursula: Mm. Yeah, it's very chewy chicken.
Kevin: Mhmm. Very small chewy cuts.
Ursula: It's very wet.
Kevin: The chicken's wet?
Ursula: Mm.
Kevin: No --
Ursula: The whole thing's very wet.
Kevin: Well. A lot of the Indian sauces make it that way -- here, let's stir up the rice a little bit.
Ursula: I'unno, it's okay.
Kevin: Not bad.
Ursula: I'm starting to get a little more heat now that I've eaten it, but it's not like a "oh my god, my mouth is on fire", it's just like the top of my tongue is going "huh, what, something's happening", but -- spice wuss that I am, it's not really a problem. It's okay but it's a lot wetter than I like my rice.
Kevin: You know, I think it's all dark meat chicken.
Ursula: Hmm.
Kevin: That would account for the texture.
Ursula: How come there's no microwave goat? They eat tons of goat, how come you can't get like butter goat with rice, or --
Kevin: Well, it'd be curried goat, but --
Ursula: Curried goat, you know, goat saag -- I don't know, there's almost no instant goat.
Kevin: Um, we are saying there is almost -- there may be almost no instant goat in America. So, our international listeners --
Ursula: If you have any instant goat out there --
Kevin: Yeah, we'd love to hear about it, kevinandursula at gmail dot com is our email address --
Ursula: Absolutely. I was just reading earlier, in a copy of Grit magazine, which is the magazine for like rural farmers or something, which we got at the local co-op because they had an article about heritage breed turkeys and someday I will convince Kevin to let me get a pet turkey --
Kevin: We are not getting a pet turkey.
Ursula: But they also had an article on cheesemaking, and -- which Kevin wants to do --
Kevin: Someday.
Ursula: Someday.
Kevin: When I have time.
Ursula: So between the two of us we were like "well, why don't we get a copy of Grit magazine" and while we were discussing that the clerk looked at us like we were nuts, 'cause it was all about "do you need an article on turkeys? do you need an article on cheese?" and anyway.
Kevin: I'm used to getting looked, at this point, people looking at us like we're nuts, 'cause... we're nuts.
Ursula: *laughs* Eh. I think, if it's wrong to want to own a Royal Palm turkey, I don't wanna be right. Also they have this type of turkey called a Midget White that is a critically endangered breed, because there's hardly any of them, and they're wee --
Kevin: That's what endangered means.
Ursula: Well, yes, but breeds getting endangered is different from the turkey species being endangered.
Kevin: Okay.
Ursula: But they're a threatened breed, because hardly anyone grows them, or breeds them or raises them or whatever the fuck...
Kevin: Whatever you do with turkeys, yeah.
Ursula: I don't know. And, they only weigh like between eight and fifteen pounds! They're like little tiny white turkeys, they are -- well, they're midget white turkeys.
Kevin: They're the Cornish Game Hen of turkeys?
Ursula: Yes, they're a Cornish game turkey. And they're supposed to be very friendly and good with pets.
Kevin: Yes, but how do they taste?
Ursula: Sweetie, if we got a turkey there is no chance in hell you would be able to butcher the turkey. You would love the turkey, you would name the turkey, you would come in to tell me cute things the turkey had done, and you would cry bitter tears when the turkey died.
Kevin: And when the turkey did something wrong I would weep softly to myself going "I wish I could kill that stupid turkey, I bet he's delicious deep-fried." And then I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it and would feel guilty, wouldn't I.
Ursula: You would love the turkey.
Kevin: And this is why we're not allowed to have a turkey.
Ursula: *sigh* It would lay eggs. We could have turkey eggs.
Kevin: I -- no. I -- no. How big --
Ursula: Some of them are good layers! And if we got a midget turkey, presumably it has midget eggs.
Kevin: And that would make it what, nearly chicken sized?
Ursula: We could do one of those sushi rolls with the quail egg you really like, only the size of your head, and put a turkey egg on it.
Kevin: ...no. No! No.
Ursula: Flying fish roe as far as the eye can see.
Kevin: ...No. No.
Ursula: I will get a turkey someday, internet.
Kevin: That being said.
Ursula: Moving right along.
Kevin: So.
Ursula: I am going to prepare the Hungry Man Pub Favorite, tell them about the Voila chicken crap.
Kevin: The Voila chicken crap. So, we had an earlier Voila chicken thing, which was a spiral -- I can't --
Ursula: Three Cheese Pasta Chicken.
Kevin: Three Cheese Pasta Chicken, thank you, and it was... not bad. It was acceptable, the kids ate it, it was a lot of food and it wasn't offensive in any way, shape or form.
Ursula: We needed to get two to feed four people, I think it cost $3.99 a bag. It's real generic, white chicken, cheese, broccoli, pasta, it's bland.
Kevin: Right.
Ursula: It's inoffensive, a nine-year-old will clean his plate.
Kevin: Right. Incredibly kidsafe. So, looking at the Cheddar Potato Chicken that they had, I said "How can this miss", other than the fact that one of our kids seems to think that potatoes are the devil. So I took a chance on it anyway, and one of the -- the first thing I noticed as I was opening up the bag is in the pasta one, the cheese is already intermingled frozen with the pasta, so that as it heats up the cheese just kind of dissolves and spreads itself amongst it. With the potato version, what came in were two hockey pucks, I mean one hockey puck per package, of cheese. I mean, it was about the diameter of a hockey puck, it was about the thickness of a hockey puck, and I'm trying to position this in this giant skillet I've got so that it will actually melt and, you know, disperse itself amongst the potato.
Ursula: Unrelated, but speaking of hockey pucks, I have to say that since living with Kevin, hockey is the one sport I have come to appreciate because my god, it is a blood sport.
Kevin: That being said, eventually --
Ursula: Although it's really boring if they don't start fighting on the ice.
Kevin: Thank you, dear. That's... very, sometimes, true, although the way the Hurricanes have been playing this year, there's a bloodbath every single night apparently at the Entertainment and Sports Arena. That being said --
Ursula: Ohh, that meant -- not a good bloodbath.
Kevin: Not a good bloodbath, no. No.
Ursula: Just them sucking on ice.
Kevin: We won the two games in Helsinki and then we've won one home game since the beginning of October.
Ursula: I gotta say though, if you're sitting like sort of behind the glass and a puck comes at the glass at high speed, whether or not it is made out of like instant cheese or not, that scares the living crap outta you, man, you flinch, you go "Whoa, dude!"
Kevin: You get used to it.
Ursula: I don't know how these people take hockey pucks to the head and keep playing.
Kevin: They have helmets on.
Ursula: I don't know how the referees survive.
Kevin: That was the most amazing thing. I have seen a referee without a helmet take a puck to the head, get stitched up on the ice by one of the team doctors, and then go back to finish the game. Of course, he was a badass.
Ursula: That's, that's pretty badass.
Kevin: Yeah.
Ursula: Unsanitary, too, but also badass.
Kevin: No, they brought all the stuff out and they wiped down his head right then and there and had the gloves out and the whole thing.
Ursula: So anyway.
Kevin: Anyway.
Ursula: Hockey puck of cheese.
Kevin: Hockey puck of cheese. Now the difficulty, I have a very large skillet I bought just for such an occasion, it does not have a lid, they want you to cover so I'm covering it with aluminum foil -- long story short, too late, I did get the cheese sauce to melt, everything thawed, it all heated up, it actually didn't taste --
Ursula: The potatoes got a little mushy, I think as a result of that.
Kevin: I think the potatoes are gonna get mushy anyway, because they were frozen, it's wet, they're gonna get mushy, they're not gonna stay, you know, crispy crispy potatoes, I don't expect them to.
Ursula: Honestly the dominant note was the red pepper, the red bell pepper.
Kevin: It was. And the starch from the potatoes really spread out and kind of diluted the sauce, so you probably could have used the sauce as, you know, maybe an adhesive...
Ursula: It was, you're gonna get a bag of it or two bags of it to feed a family of four on the cheap, you can get it on sale for even less than like four bucks a pop --
Kevin: Yep, inoffensive, again --
Ursula: Get the pasta, though. Get the three cheese chicken pasta or whatever.
Kevin: Yeah.
Ursula: Give the cheddar potato a miss, it's texturally not very appealing, I mean it's edible, it won't kill you, they'll eat it, but ehhh... it wasn't anything to write home about.
Kevin: That was the thing, was they will eat it. And that's an important thing when trying to feed the nine-year-old of pickiness and the twelve-year-old who is rapidly developing the bottomless pit of a stomach. I live in fear of the day when he decides that he can eat, uh, for real, because I can't afford that. I can barely afford to feed myself.
Ursula: This is when, like, endless buffets suddenly become a much more cost-effective option when eating out.
Kevin: Oh, oh yes. Since everybody -- I may have been, y'know, the one that took buffets from "we will make a profit" to loss for several restaurants near my neighborhood when I was growing up. And we don't have any of those in town, we'd have to actually go...
Ursula: We'd have to go to Golden Corral.
[beeping]
Kevin: No, no, we can also go to, um, there's a Chinese place in Chapel Hill.
Ursula: [getting up to deal with the beeping] Oh god, not that Main Garden thing --
Kevin: Nooo, no, not the Main Garden, not the Main Garden. Um, 35 Chinese. There's one in Kerry and there's one in Chapel Hill.
Ursula: They are not a sponsor of ours.
Kevin: They are not.
Ursula: Speaking of our sponsor, however!
Kevin: Speaking of our sponsor, Monoceros Media produces some really cool stuff, um...
Ursula: They did this thing today with the 3D printer where they printed out these hooks for cables on the server rack with their homemade 3D printer, that was awesome.
Kevin: Yeah, so they have a 3D printer, they have laser etching, they can do laser engraved lucite, it's really cool stuff, they have done specialty tags for conventions, they have done award... uh, trophies made out of the same lucite for conventions, I think the giant inkjet he's got that can print out essentially the wall-scroll fabric that you get with your favorite anime character on it is just phenomenal and would love to do some Red Wombat wall scrolls someday. But, Monoceros Media, visit their webpage, it's linked on the Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap homepage, kuec.libsyn.com.
Ursula: This Hungry Man meal takes about nine minutes to prepare. There's --
Kevin: Wow.
Ursula: Apparently nuking a pound of food is a process.
Kevin: So we've got, um, about three more minutes, and we do have reader mail!
Ursula: Yes! Astonishingly.
Kevin: We have an email, and -- astonishingly enough --
Ursula: It wasn't hate mail.
Kevin: It hasn't been hate mail. As a matter of fact here's a note from John, who says "Hello, I'm very much enjoying KUEC series and had a suggestion for it. Provided that you have access to them down there where you are, I think you do, would you consider reviewing one or more of the offerings from Schwan's? Their deep-dish pizzas have been a probably-not-actually-good but positive-nostalgia-inducing part of my diet for a long time, but I've never dared brave the rest of their catalogue. Might you be braver than I am? Keep up the great and highly entertaining work, you two." And first off, thank you, John, for your note.
Ursula: It's very kind.
Kevin: Yes. We do have Schwan's here, my parents have actually used their service, so I'm familiar with the food, I don't know if --
Ursula: Used their service?
Kevin: Schwan's, yes, they have this refrigerated truck full of frozen food, and they give you a catalog, and what you can do, there are two ways to do it, is you can call them up and say "I want your pies", their pies and their ice creams are amazing. And they also do premade meals like this, um, they'll do just like cuts of beef, so they've got this basically a freezer truck, and you call them up and you say "I want a pie", or "I want a stack of pies" or "I need you to deliver me a stack of frozen pizzas" and they show up at your house with this freezer truck, and they open up the back, they take out -- they deliver this food to you and you put it in your freezer, and then away they go after you write them a check. Now, if they're looking to drum up business they'll drive through a neighborhood, knock on doors and say "hey, I was in the neighborhood delivering" --
Ursula: I don't buy frozen food out of trucks and I tell you why, it's that guy on the street corner here who, the shrimp man who sells shrimp from the coast, I do not buy seafood out of a truck!
Kevin [in his reasonable voice]: This is different, because they have a warehouse and it is quality controlled and, you know, my mom and dad have been using them for several years and -- again, the ice cream, the pies, the desserts have been phenomenal, I think we might have even tried some lobster tails from them and they were... not... bad... You're looking at me like I'm an idiot and like I'm crazy and that I have something growing out of my forehead.
Ursula: I'm not used to places where there's a truck that drives through the neighborhood selling you frozen food out of it other than the ice cream truck. Oh god, we had this ice cream truck in my old neighborhood that had a clown head on it, and it like went around singing -- no, it didn't have a clown head, it was playing "Send In the Clowns", and oh my god, I, that thing... first of all it was a really loud ring, second of all it was terrifying. If I was going to design the serial-killer-mobile, I would have stopped long before getting there. It was pure unmitigated terror. They never tried to sell me lobster tails though.
Kevin: Now let's see, Mike who I'm guessing is probably from the Michigan area, is suggesting a 128-count fish stick bag from his local Meijer's, which I've only ever seen in Michigan. And you've never...
Ursula: No, we have Fred Meyer's in Oregon, which was sort of like Target only cool, but then they turned into like a weird warehouse kind of thing, and then I moved away so God only knows.
Kevin: Yeah, so let's see, "the bag is open in the photo because I can't stop eating them like french fries because they cook up very crispy". You know, we don't have Meijer's down here, Mike. Some days I wish I do and some days I'm scared of it, because we already have Walmart and Target and I don't know if we need another retailer of that... uh, caliber.
Ursula: Speaking of weird stores, I'm still not over Giant Eagle. What --
Kevin: What? Giant Eagle, it's a grocery store chain up in the --
Ursula: It's called Giant Eagle!
Kevin: We have a Food Lion just down the road!
Ursula: Equally strange! But Giant Eagle, it's like a big roc descends on you like that scene in Clash of the Titans -- I'm flapping, Internet people, just so you know --
Kevin: It's, yeah, it's epic...
Ursula: And, and drops your groceries on the car, makes an impact, but... Giant Eagle. Who thinks, "When I think food I think Giant Eagle"?
Kevin: Um, probably someone who's got a patriotism problem. [Southern voice] "If ah say it's a giant eagle, they will think about the American eagle!"
Ursula: No, I just think Clash of the Titans. And that was a vulture.
Kevin: And that was a vulture. Um, let's see --
Ursula: Release the kraken!
Kevin: Mike also says, "On ratings, when you get tired of making them up I highly suggest wombats, a wombat is unlikely to eat much of something that sucks so thus less wombats for something horrible and more for something better." We are very fond of wombats around here, and if we ever get tired of --
Ursula: [fending off something that has gone beep] Aah!
Kevin: -- of, uh, rating systems I'm sure wombats will fall into the category. [to Ursula] Also your cat has decided it's time to investigate what's going on in the kitchen. Whatcha got?
Ursula: Um...
Kevin: Did it attack you?
Ursula: There was some steam burnage.
Kevin: Oh dear. Okay, Benjamin, we need you off the table, there you go buddy. [moves Ben the cat with audible effort] Oh my god your cat's huge.
Ursula: Big-boned!
Kevin: I see we have bacon.
Ursula: Yes!
Kevin: I see potatoes.
Ursula: I see it as well.
Kevin: I see the Hungry Man -- oh my god I forgot how much I like these. And I might be a sick and twisted individual -- I see the Hungry Man Salisbury steak patty. Oh, that takes me back.
Ursula: It even has the little stripes on it which I think they print on --
Kevin: Oh yeah, they print it on there. It's a thing of beauty. You know, I grew up with the ones in aluminum foil, they weren't Hungry Man, this was before Hungry Man came out, and before they were microwaveable and we'd have like that special occasion in front of -- hi Benjamin, you might want to move -- like the night that Wizard of Oz would come on TV, cause it came on once a year, and so that was the big thing -- Benjamin, get away from the microphone.
Ursula: Cat! Leave it! *snaps fingers*
Kevin: Yes, go! We're trying to prevent the cat from being harmed while recording.
Ursula: Oh, don't make me laugh. He might harm one of us, but that cat's indestructible.
Kevin: That's true. Or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, cause those were like, they'd come on once a year and then we'd sit down and Mom would make the TV dinners in the foil trays and we'd sit there with our TV trays, yes we had the TV trays, and we would watch the show and all right, I'm feeling really old too. We should eat this.
Ursula: There's a bunch of busts of -- silhouettes on the back of the Hungry Man package that say things like "This sure beats havin' to shoot yer dinner" and "My desire: conquest and a good satisfying meal, but mainly conquest".
Kevin: Yeah, and that one has like --
Ursula: It is also suggesting that we text HUNGRY to a number.
Kevin: Well, for science maybe in a minute.
Ursula: You know, that's okay. I'm willing to eat cheap, I am not willing to get on a frickin' Hungry Man text list.
Kevin: Fair. [eating] Mm, potato. Mmmm. It's not bad, I've had worse potato. Aw, the Hungry Man Salisbury steak patty's just the way I remember it.
Ursula: It's okay, the Boston Market's better.
Kevin: Of course the Boston Market's better.
Ursula: Lot more calories too.
Kevin: Well, yeah.
Ursula: [eating] All right, try the potato...
Kevin: The potatoes are -- well, they're potatoes. They're extremely nothing wrong with potatoes.
Ursula: The sauce has a weird kind of tang to it.
Kevin: A little sweet taste to it, that's the beer.
Ursula: Or the corn syrup.
Kevin: Or the corn syrup. Oh yeah, this is loaded with corn syrup, isn't it?
Ursula: Oh, probably. Let's find out, we have the package.
Kevin: And you can check that while I have more Salisbury steak.
Ursula: Actually, six grams of sugar in the whole thing.
Kevin: Mhm. Really!
Ursula: That's -- what was the yogurt we were looking at today, who had like 31 grams or something, or 23...
Kevin: Yeah, something ridiculous like that.
Ursula: I mean I'm not saying this is health food, but -- oh, there's corn syrup, it's in the gravy.
Kevin: That would be why the gravy has that sweet tang.
Ursula: No wait, okay, it is a sub -- it is a sub-thing of the dried beer.
Kevin: Okay.
Ursula: The ingredient is dried beer.
Kevin: Dried beer. I've heard of such a thing, I've never actually seen beer powder but I've heard of it.
Ursula: Malted barley, corn syrup, hops, and yeast.
Kevin: Huh.
Ursula: Dried beer. Do they just get beer really hot and like boil it off and make beer precipitate?
Kevin: I have no idea how they do that. That's real bacon in there.
Ursula: Hm?
Kevin: That's an actual bacon!
Ursula: This is, um --
Kevin: I'm surprised, are you surprised?
Ursula: Kinda salty.
Kevin: Well, yes, it's bacon.
Ursula: I'm becoming a bacon snob.
Kevin: Well, yes.
Ursula: It's the farmer's market guy.
Kevin: Mhmm.
Ursula: And he never has the bacon now, it's -- god, I feel like I'm a heroin addict, I go in, I'm like "you got the bacon", he's like "no man, I'm outta bacon, my supplier didn't get me any bacon" and I'm like [wails] "Oh no bacon", he's like "if you come to the Greek restaurant after five o'clock I'll be there handing out meat for my CSA and I might have your bacon then", and dude, I mean, seriously, not that I have ever been a heroin addict or tried to buy heroin, but I can't imagine it's any different than that. I am like ten minutes away from going [wails again] "but man, I need the bacon, man, I'm jonesin'!" [announcer voice] Legalize bacon.
Kevin: Plus his bacon costs so much less than the other really good bacon we've been getting.
Ursula: Are you outta your mind? No it doesn't.
Kevin: How much is his bacon costing, from him?
Ursula: Seven bucks a pound.
Kevin: So it may be about a break-even, but --
Ursula: Yeah, it's a little more expensive.
Kevin: But his is actually a lot better bacon, I think?
Ursula: It would be more cost effective if we didn't eat the whole pound at brunch the next day because we can't stop because it's such good bacon. We can't do that again. The next time we get the bacon, cause that'll kill us, man.
Kevin: I'll die happy. There are only two other ways I can think to possibly die any happier than like with one of his pieces of bacon in my mouth and my heart stopping.
Ursula: I know what one is.
Kevin: Mhm!
Ursula: Don't know what the other one is.
Kevin: Really? *suggestive laugh*
Ursula: I'm really confused now... but this is a family show, so we'll assume it was marijuana.
*both laugh*
Kevin: Wait, Prop 19 didn't pass.
Ursula: Didn't it? I stopped paying attention.
Kevin: Nope, nope.
Ursula: Bastards.
Kevin: Nope, nope, nope --
Ursula: First they came for the weed, and I didn't say anything cause I hadn't had a hookup in years, and then they came for the bacon, and then there was no one left to speak up for me.
Kevin: Actually, in San Francisco they may be coming for the bacon, they came for the toys in the Happy Meals.
Ursula: I dunno, there was actually a -- wasn't there a thing with the, I dunno, maybe it was the FDA or whoever, said there is no safe quantity of bacon to eat, bacon is just terrible for you, straight up?
Kevin: Pretty much, yeah.
Ursula: I don't care. If all bacon is criminal only criminals will eat bacon! They will be able to tell us by our weight and our waddling.
Kevin: Sign me up. You know --
Ursula: *giggling* All right, well, I think that about does it for us this week.
Kevin: I'm thinkin'.
Ursula: Please send your comments, your questions, your bacon to kevinandursulaeatcheap at gmail dot com.
Kevin: Yes! And thank you for listening. I'm still eating this Hungry Man because I don't know if it's nostalgia or if I just really like it. We need to rate things.
Ursula: Rating, yes!
Kevin: Rating.
Ursula: Yes, we forgot about that. Okay, um...
Kevin: All right, let's start with the Hungry Man. Well, no, let's start with our scale, let's go with --
Ursula: Wombats!
Kevin: Wombats?
Ursula: Okay, yeah, let's go with wombats.
Kevin: Okay, wombats, I was gonna suggest baby pandas but we'll save that for next week.
Ursula: Yes.
Kevin: Okay. Wombats. So our Hungry Man one pound of Pub Favorites chopped beef steak?
Ursula: I'll give it... six out of ten wombats, it's not really that great a food, it's -- I don't care how few calories it has, it's tasting unhealthy.
Kevin: *laughs*
Ursula: Possibly a little more for nostalgia factor, but ehh, I'll give it a six out of ten.
Kevin: I'll give it a seven out of ten, because I really like this... style of... frozen food and you're looking at me like I'm an evil evil man but I don't care --
Ursula: No, I was just thinking we're gonna have to rent The Wizard of Oz now.
Kevin: No, no no no. We don't have to rent The Wizard of Oz. Although we are gonna have to find the Gene Wilder Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Ursula: Oh no, that one creeps me out, my mother dated a guy who looked like Gene Wilder only like six three with a limp and it was really weird.
Kevin: Then we definitely need to rent it.
Ursula: No.
Kevin: No. All right.
Ursula: It didn't end well.
Kevin: So out of ten wombats, the General Tso's Chicken Breast from InnovAsian Cuisine?
Ursula: I'll give that a seven out of ten -- six and a half, seven out of ten? The flavor wasn't any better than standard mall Chinese but texturally it was very crispy and --
Kevin: It was much better than the standard and I agree with you, six and a half to seven wombats out of ten. Our Butter Chicken with Rice.
Ursula: I'm giving it a four outta ten. It was okay, it was wet, it was texturally not that great.
Kevin: Yeah, I mean a four and a half, the sauce wasn't spicy at all, it was almost generic tomato sauce, the chicken was texturally pork chop, and --
Ursula: I'd actually probably knock it a little lower -- hi, cat! -- because it was fairly expensive for a frozen -- for a dried thing, I think.
Kevin: Well, for a microwavable -- cat, do not rub on the -- yes, he's going to rub on the microphone. All right then.
Ursula: Ben, don't you need to go beat someone up somewhere else? And get away from my hot cider!
Kevin: Okay, and then finally the --
Ursula: -- Voila --
Kevin: -- Voila meal.
Ursula: -- Voila cheddar potato --
Kevin: Cheddar potato?
Ursula: Four out of ten.
Kevin: Four out of ten. I'm in agreement.
Ursula: Yeah:
Kevin: It feeds the kids, the kids will eat it, they aren't excited about it, we're gonna get the --
Ursula: -- the three cheese chicken pasta --
Kevin: -- the rotini next time --
Ursula: Which I'd give maybe a five and a half out of ten.
Kevin: I'll give that one a little higher because the kids just went to town on it, so a six out of ten. And that's it!
Ursula: That'll do it for us! So, thank you for listening, and once again, We Eat It, So You Don't Have To.
Category:Episode transcriptions