Bob Fires the Kids/Transcript

== Bob Fires the Kids ==
Linda: Gene, you almost done scraping the gum off the bottom of the counter?
Gene: Yeah! And I'm almost done with Gumhead. Here you go, Gumhead. Num, num, num, num, num, num! More gum!
Bob: Gene, knock it off. I know you think you're helping, but you're not.
Gene: I don't think I'm helping.
Louise: All right, step right up. Which cup is the creamer under, Tina? Keep your eye on the creamer, little lady. Where's it going? Where's it going?
Bob: Louise.
Louise: Yeah, Dad? Do you know where the cream is?
Bob: No.
Louise: All right, then stay out of it. Is it here? Is it this one? Is it that one?
Tina: Uh...
Louise: Huh, huh, huh, huh.
Tina: This one?
Louise: Wrong! Now you have to drink it.
Tina: Ugh. Okay.
Bob: Tina, Louise, enough, and get back to work.
Bob (echoing): Get back to work...
Bob: Oh, my God! Linda!
Bob: Kids, your mother and I have an announcement.
Linda: Buh, buh-buh-buh, buh-baa!
Gene: You're having another baby? At your age?!
Louise: Sick!
Tina: I knew I spotted a bump.
Linda: What?! No, I'm gassy.
Bob: No, guys. Okay, here it goes. Kids... you're fired.
Linda: Buh, buh-buh-ba!
Gene: Ex-squeeze me?
Bob: You're all fired.
Tina: I deserve this. I've been coasting.
Bob: This isn't punishment, it's, it's a gift. My dad made me work all the time. And that box of toys...
Louise: Horrible toys.
Bob: Yes, horrible toys, made me realize that I never had any fun. So, I want you to go out and have the summer and the childhood that I never had. So go out! Go outside! Go be children!
Tina: But what are we supposed to do?
Bob: Have a water balloon fight. Play in a vacant lot. Ride bikes.
Gene: I'm more of an indoor boy. I can't defend myself, I've been declawed.
Bob: Gene.
Louise: All right, well, I guess we're gonna take off. Arrivedercis.
Tina: Bye, Mom and Dad. Keep in touch. Don't change. See you in the fall.
Bob: Tina, you can come home at night.
Tina: Ah, phew.
Teddy: I'm glad you kids store your bikes in my garage. It's fun for me. Sometimes I pretend I have three kids of my own and these are their bikes.
Tina: Which kid is your favorite?
Teddy: Jeremy. He needs me the most. The twins have each other.
Louise: Whoa.
Teddy: Sometimes I come in here just so I can trip over 'em. I'll be, like, (growls) "The kids left their bikes here again."
Gene: All right! Summer fun starts now! (grunts) Oh.
Girls in background: ♪ Fun, fun... fun-fun ♪ / ♪ Fun, fun... fun-fun ♪ / ♪ Fun-fun-fun, fun-fun-fun ♪ / ♪ Fun-fun-fun, fun-fun-fun, fun-fun-fun! ♪
Gene: Ah! Diapers!
Bob: So, how would you feel about, um... how do I say this?... uh, deferred payments? I wouldn't pay you now, but... eventually I would, in the future. What I'm gonna ask you isn't totally legal. It's not a sex thing, though, so...
Bob: Okay, I guess I'll keep these resumés on file.
Linda: Maybe we can get an unpaid intern. Ooh, they could do coffee runs!
Bob: Lin, we have coffee here.
Linda: I don't care. No one's ever gotten me coffee!
Mickey: Everybody on the floor! This is a stickup!
Linda: (laughs) Mickey! Ah, you're out of the slammer.
Mickey: Bob, Linda, bring it in. Aw... Hey... how's my favorite hostage?
Bob: I thought you got eight years. You didn't escape, did you?
Mickey: It turned out the prosecutor was on meth for the entire trial! And he drove his car into a peacock sanctuary. Now he's in jail and I'm out!
Linda: Oh, good for you.
Bob: I'll get you a beer.
Mickey: A beer'd be nice. Hey, where are those whippersnappers of yours, huh?
Bob: Uh, I fired them.
Mickey: What? No!
Bob: That sounds harsh. We laid them off to go enjoy themselves.
Mickey: Ah, yeah, sure, breaking windows, lightin' fires, huffin' paint, sniffin' glue, blowin' up houses, settin' rats in a bottle and throwin' 'em down a river and...
Bob: No, none of those things. So, what's next for you, Mickey? What're you gonna do?
Mickey: Goin' straight, Bob! Gonna get a job. Find myself a gal. Or... I don't know what people do nowadays. Build a-a barn maybe. Paint the barn with the gal. Put the gal in the barn and...
Bob: Yeah, maybe.
Mickey: You know, American dream. Gal and a barn.
Linda: Yeah. Hey, Bobby, psst.
Bob: What psst? We can both hear you, Lin.
Linda: What about ickey-May for the ob-jay?
Bob: I'm pretty sure he can understand you, Lin.
Mickey: What language is that?
Bob: Oh. Uh... wow. Well, Mickey, if you're serious about finding a job, we-we need someone for the summer.
Mickey: Oh.
Linda: We can't pay you that much, honey.
Bob: Not even what we're legally supposed to. 
Mickey: I'd work for meals and a cot in the basement.
Bob: Um... I guess you could sleep in the basement. 
Linda: Oh, yay! Oh, I love it!
Mickey: We got the team back together again, huh?
Linda: Oh!
Mickey: The three amagos.
Linda: Olé!
Gene: Ugh! Summer is awful. There's too much pressure to enjoy yourself. It's like New Year's Eve for kids.
Louise: We should probably go by the restaurant. I bet that place is falling apart without us by now.
Louise: Well, we've sown our wild oats. Things got crazy! Anyways, no need to grovel, Dad. We're back.
Gene: We all said things we didn't mean. You said: "You're fired." You did not mean that. It sounded very insincere as I remember, and I thought, "No."
(pots clattering)
Tina: Oh, my God, is someone here?
Bob & Linda: Um... Uh...
Mickey: Hey, Burger Bobs!
Linda: Kids, you remember Mickey.
Gene: You fired us for a bank robber??
Mickey: Hey!
Louise: Look, Mickey, we're back now, so you can turn in your apron.
Bob: Louise, no. You guys are just our kids now, not our employees.
Gene: Is that all we are to you, Dad? Your children?!
Bob: Yes, and I want you to go have fun.
Louise: Never!
Bob: Stop fighting it and give it a chance!
Tina: You can't make us leave.
(all grunting)
Gene: Hell no, I won't go! Hell no, I won't go!
Bob: Uh! Why are you guys stronger than me?
Gene: Pilates!
Bob: This is for your own good!
Louise: Fine! We'll ride our bikes. Oh, yeah, we'll ride 'em so far you'll never see us again!
Linda: Okay, bye, kids. Have fun.
Tina: Bye, Mom.
Tina: Guys, I think we’re lost.
Gene: I know, and all this breathing is making me hungry. Blueberries! We’re saved!
Louise: Is this a farm? I thought those were extinct.
Tina: We can’t just eat these berries, they probably belong to someone.
Louise: If you don’t want people to eat your fruit grow it inside of a safe. 
Gene: I don’t know how animals do it. Fruit is just bad and they know it. 
Hippie Woman: Hello, children. 
Louise: screams
Tina: Farmers!
Gene: Ho did those get in there? (Spits out blueberries)
Hippie Man: Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of berries. Eat as many as you want. 
Hippie Woman: Or if you’d rather have sandwiches, we have plenty at the house. And lizards. 
Gene: I’ll eat both!
Hippie Man: And then I woke up nude on horseback in the forest and there she was: my Beverly.
Beverly: I had wondered away from a community birthing in a barn nearby.
Hippie Man: She looked like a fairy queen pooping under a tree
Both: (singing together): A fairy queen pooping under a tree.
Hippie Man: Thirty years and five kids later, and we’re still doing it.
Gene: Ew
Beverly: Well, we’ve got an empty nest now, but we still have our farm.
Louise: My dad has a restaurant. We used to work there, but he fired us.
Hippie Man: Oh, now that’s a shame. We always let our kids work here. Beverly, I have a crazy idea. They could work (both singing) here.
Tina: (singing) Work here.
Hippie Man: We couldn’t afford to pay you much, just say $10 a day?
Louise: (screaming) Ten dollars?!
Gene: I could start saving for my Porsche Cayenne!
Tina: But Dad doesn’t want us to work.
Louise: Dad doesn’t have to know. Or are you going to send him a letter? You gonna call him up? You gonna find a phone and call Dad and tell him stuff?
Tina: No.
Louise: Seems like Dad told us to just make our way, didn’t he?
Tina: Well, I guess I don’t want any gaps in my resume. 
Louise: That’s right. You don’t.
Hippie Man: Good, because we’ve got a lot you could do. 
Beverly: Yes, they could pick the weed s. 
Hippie Man: Great idea, Bev. We have a terrible weed problem. (Chuckling)
Both: (laughing together)
Tina: (trying to laugh along)
Gene: (yelling) I don’t get it!
Mickey: ‘Morning, kids. Can I get you anything?
Louise: I’ll just have your coffee.
Mickey: (grunting) Hey, gimme.
Bob: Louise.
Tina: No time, Louise. We’re late.
Linda: Late for what? 
Tina: We’re late to… for… -
Louise: (clears throat) Well, what would we be late for, it’s not like we have jobs or anything. We’re just late for the pier. 
Gene: yeah, we gotta go to the pier. 
Tina: Yeah.
Gene: To the (both) pier. Rock stuff.
Bob: What’s rock stuff? 
Gene: What do you mean?
Louise: Oh, we’re dropping rocks.
Gene: Yeah.
Louise: In the water. 
Bob: Sounds fun. 
Louise: Yeah.
Tina: Yeah
Gene: I can disorient a fish.
Linda: Nice.
Bob: Well, as long as you kids are having fun.
Gene: Oh yeah.
Louise: Ah.
Gene: Summer rocks are the best rocks.
Louise: We should go. 
Bob: Well, drop one for me.
Gene: I want your nuggets! (Panting)
Hippie Guy: You too little critters will be our pickers. Now come with me. 
Louise: Gene has tons of experience picking his nose. 
Gene: And my butt.
Beverly: Tina, you will be our blueberry delivery girl. Just remember, if you get jammed up, you don’t know my name and you don’t know where this farm is. 
Tina: I don’t know where this farm is.
Beverly: Exactly. 
Mickey: Tada!
Bob: Wow, Mickey, you handed out the whole tray of samples already?
Mickey: Sure did, Bob. 
Bob: And you don’t mind the burger suit?
Mickey: I love it, I love it, I know who I am in this. I’m the Burger.
Bob: Right. Sorry it’s a little tight. 
Mickey: It is.
Bob: Yeah.
Mickey: It’s incredibly snug.
Bob: It looks fine. It’s good.
Mickey: I’m gonna need your help taking this off. I think, if that’s okay.
Bob: Oh, I , yeah sure. I’ll, uh, try and pull the-
Mickey: No, there’s snaps in the crotch that my arms aren’t long enough to get down to, if you-
Bob: I don’t want to touch down there, so…
Mickey: I need you to, that’s what I can’t reach. Just root in there really quick and just pop them out.
Bob: (groans) Um. Ugh. Okay. Let me just, uh, get in there. Yep, oh, okay, it’s hairy. Yep.
Mickey: Oh, there ya go. Thanks, man.
Bob: Oh, Mickey, you’re not wearing any underwear. 
Mickey: Do not wear underwear in prison. Someone could choke you with it.
Bob: Well, why don’t you leave the burger suit on then, huh?
Mickey: Alright.
Linda: Hey, Mickey is a pretty good worker, huh?
Bob: Yeah, he’s the helpful, enthusiastic employee we’ve never had. I wish he’d wear underwear, though. 
Linda: Yeah, hold the pickle. Ha!
Hippie Man: And that’s how you pick the weed. 
Gene: Which ones are the weeds?
Hippie Man: They all are.
Gene: Why are the weeds inside?
Hippie Man: So that they aren’t outside messing up the blueberries. 
Louise: Why don’t you just set this whole greenhouse on fire? Be done with it.
Hippie Man: Oh, we‘re going to. One dime at a time. I’ll sing you a work song. (Singing:) Well, we work and we work and we work all day. Work work work in America work and a working in the weeds and American work and working in the weeds and work work work. And works work work and come on Gene pick up the pace, come on, buddy. There we go.
Tina: Good day, hello, howdy. Hi. I have your blueberry delivery.
Rollerblade Guy: Yeah, alright dude. Blueberry girl. How’s your stash, pretty kind?
Tina: Yeah, kind to your body, because of antioxidants. 
Mr. Fischoeder: Hello, Belcher child. Does your father know what you’re doing? 
Tina: No. He thinks I’m having summer fun. 
Mr. Fischoeder: Good. (Both) Let’s keep it that way. 
Marshmallow: Oh, blueberries. I’m ready for a bake-off.
Bob: Tina? Oh, it’s just the refrigerator. Hey fridge, you sure sounded like Tina a second ago. What’s she doing right now? I wonder what Gene is doing. Probably farting. 
Mickey: (laughing)
Bob: What’s so funny?
Mickey: The burger of the day, Bob. (Laughs) I just noticed it. The “beets me burger.” Ha. That’s brilliant. 
Bob: Well, it’s not that good, I mean Louise would come up with a better one than that. I think she would write, like “die-abeties burger: comes with insulin.”
Mickey: Oh, that’s in poor taste, huh?
Bob: Sure, but that’s what makes it fun-
Mickey: That doesn’t sound fun. That sounds hurtful. That’s a really terrible disease. 
Bob: Yeah, I know.
Mickey: My grandmother had that disease. 
Bob: Well, I’m sorry. 
Mickey: BB King has that disease.
Bob: Shut up, Mickey. Sorry, but just, hush. 
Louise: Ten dollars in my pocket, Gene got bitten by a lizard, we’re living the dream, guys.
Tina: I just wish Mom and Dad worked at the farm with us. 
Gene: Yeah, I miss making fun of Dad’s BO. I’m too scared to make fun of Cooper and Beverly’s smell. I think there’s something seriously wrong with them.
Street Guy: Hey blueberry girl, do you have any extra blueberries on you?
Tina: No, and don’t ever come here again, you hear me? My parents don’t know I deliver blueberries. Get it?
Street Guy: Okay, whatever-
Tina: No! Do you get IT? Don’t come again.
Street Guy: Okay. Bye.
Tina: That was a close one. 
Gene: People love fruit. I will never understand it. It’s not that good. 
Linda: Bob. 
Bob: (grunts)
Linda: Mickey’s playing his calypso again. Can you say something?
Bob: You go.
Linda: Come on! Get up! 
Bob: Alright.
Mickey: (singing along to jazz music)
Bob: Mickey! Mickey! Mickey! Hello, Mickey!
Mickey: (laughs) Oh, hey Bob. 
Bob: What’s that?
Mickey: Oh, this? you never seen this movie? It’s great. It’s a guy who’s supposed to be big, and then he gets big, and he doesn’t want to be big anymore, then he gets small but the suits too big.
Bob: I’m talking about behind the poster, Mickey.
Mickey: Oh, uh.
Bob: Are you making a hole in my wall?
Mickey: No No! I was just fixing that.
Bob: Fixing it with a pick?
Mickey: Yes. 
Bob: Mickey…
Mickey: Alright, look Bob, don’t tell anybody, but I was just digging my way to the bank.
Bob: What?! Come on, no. 
Mickey: It’s the perfect crime. I’ve got double jeopardy.
Bob: What do you mean you have double jeopardy?
Mickey: I’m robbing the same bank, Bob. They can’t try me for it again. 
Bob: Yes, they can, Mickey. Look, remember how you held me hostage?
Mickey: Of course I do, silly, that’s how we met.
Bob: And there were SWAT teams and helicopters and negotiators?
Mickey: Yeah, it was great, right?
Bob: It wasn’t great, Mickey. That’s the only time in my whole life I ever wanna have SWAT guys pointing guns at my face. Just that one time. Never again. Got it?
Mickey: So… are you cool with me finishing my tunnel?
Bob: No! You may not tunnel through my basement to a bank! I forbid it!
Mickey: Fine than, Bob. Why don’t you fire me?
Bob: Okay! You’re fired!
Mickey: (gasps) You’re firing me?
Bob: Look, you can stay tonight, but tomorrow you’re going to have to find another place. 
Mickey: Okay, that’s cool. 
Bob: I’m taking the pick. 
Mickey: No!
Mickey: Oh, Bob. What I’d tell ya?
Bob: Uh huh.
Mickey: It’s gonna be really tough to find a job within iffy feet of the bank that will also let me sleep in the basement. 
Bob: (grunts). I’m sure there’s something. 
Louise: Oh, I’m so clumsy. Better clean that up, Mickey. 
Bob: Actually, I fired Mickey. And good news, I’m hiring you all back full-time, starting right now. So, you clean it up. 
Tina; Uh… Sorry, Dad, but we can’t do that. 
Bob: Look, I know what I said before, about wanting you to have fun, but the thing is, my childhood was terrible because I actually had to work, and my dad never smiled, or laughed-
Mickey: Yeah, Mine neither.
Bob: And he had a drinking problem-
Mickey: Oh, been there man, open up fresh wounds, here, Bob.
Bob: Alright, Mickey, enough. 
Mickey: Alright, ugh.
Bob: I spent last night thinking about this and I’m a pretty good dad.
Louise: Yeah, Mom is the one with the drinking problem. 
Linda: The problem is I don’t have a freakin’ drink in my hand. Ha!
Bob: The point is, you guy don’t have a hard life. You just goof around. And you should be goofing around here. At home. With us.
Tina: Dad, we’ve moved on. We got other jobs. 
Bob: What?!
Gene: We’re working girls, now.
Mickey: You’re a girl?
Gene: Yes!
Mickey: Nahhh
Gene: Yes!
Bob: He’s not.
Mickey: He’s not?
Bob: No. 
Gene: Tell that to my vagina!
Linda: You got other jobs?
Bob: What do you mean you got other jobs? What about the restaurant?
Louise: Oh, that’s adorable, Dad. You thought that you could snap your fancy Dad fingers and we’d come crawling back. You thought you didn’t want us, nobody else would? Well guess what? Cooper and Beverly want us!
Bob: Who are Cooper and Beverly?
Linda: Cooper and Beverly? 
Gene: They’re farmers. And they smell great, so don’t even bother asking.
Linda: They still have farms? Where do they have farms?
Gene: Way out in the country, where a man can breathe the air. 
Tina: Sorry, Dad. I hope we can still be friends.
Bob: Wait, wait. What are they paying you? I’ll match it. 
Louise: Ten dollars a day.
Bob: Never mind, have a good day.
Mickey: Bye guys!
Street Guy: Hey, is that blueberry delivery girl with the glasses here?
Linda: You mean Tina? She’s not here
Street Guy: Well, I need to return these blueberries. Can you tell her that there were mostly stems and leaves. I want a placement or my forty bucks back. 
Linda: Okay, I’ll let her know. 
Street Guy: Okay, bye.
Linda: Bye.
Linda: That was weird. 
Bob: Wow, forty bucks. Those are expensive blueberries. 
Linda: They’re probably organic. (Sniffs). Oh, they smell like a music festival. 
Bob: Huh, you’re right. Oh my God, Lin. Are the kids working on a pot farm?
Linda: (gasp) Whoa!
Mickey: Oh yeah, the ‘ole false-bottom blueberry box. I remember these from when I was a kid. 
Bob: We have to go get the kids.
Linda: But we have no idea where this pot farm is.
Mickey: I may have some idea of exactly where it is. 
Mickey: No, wait, go back go back go back. 
Linda: Wow, this isn’t what I pictured. It’s nice.
Mickey: Hey, I been there, buddy. Remember, they can’t cage this.
Cooper: What are you doing on our property?
Linda; We want our kids.
Beverly: What kids? There are no kids here. 
Tina: Hi Dad.
Gene: Oh, hey. Hello.
Beverly: Oh, you mean our kids.
Bob: Your kids?! Those are our kids. 
Linda: Come on guys, get in the car. Now. Let’s go.
Louise: Mom, Dad, we already explained this. We work here now. Okay? You’re acting a little desperato.
Bob: No, Louise. you no longer work here. 
Gene: Dad, small farms are the backbone of America. Willie Nelson would love this place. 
Bob: Yes, he would, Gene, but not the reason you’re thinking of.
Bob: Oh no, no, no. No SWAT teams, no guns!
Cooper: Code red, mother, code red. 
Mickey: But Bob, what do I do? I’ve never been an innocent bystander before. 
Bob: Just get your hands up, Mickey. 
Mickey: Like that?
Bob: What? No. Up.
Mickey: Like this?
Bob: You’re doing kitten paws. Up higher. 
Mickey: Higher like that?
Bob: No, all the way up. 
Mickey: Like, past my shoulders?
Street Guy: Get down! Everybody down!
Tina: Hey, I know that guy. Hi. 
Beverly: Paddle Daddy, paddle.
Both: Right, left, right, left, right, left, right, stop. 
Cooper: Oh, let’s take a right. Let’s keep it moving. Right and running and 
Bob: Oh my god. 
Cooper: To get out of here before they catch us. 
Louise: Now this is summer fun. 
Louise: And that is why I believe blueberries should be decriminalized.
Ms. LaBonz: Louise, sit down. 
Louise: Okay, let’s recess. Uh, be cool out there don’t blow all the snacks and if the popo rolls up, first call is to your lawyer, not your mom.
Category:Transcripts