Conventions

Conventions is the sixth episode of season three, and the twenty-first episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on October 4, 2020.
== Plot ==
Political parties hold conventions to formally select their nominees for the 2020 election.
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins with the Green Convention, in Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: Greetings, students!
[The students are busy writing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fanfiction.]
Mr. R’Onion: I have never in my years seen such unprofessional behavior from my students! What is this, I’m not running for President for nothing!
Mr. Sullivan: But Mr. R’Onion, you explicitly stated that you don’t care about us, and your only goal is to protect the trees!
Mr. R’Onion: NO BUTS! Do not talk back to your teacher! You may be a Senator on Mondays, but on Tuesdays, you’re with me!
Mr. Renaud: [pops into the room] And on Wednesdays, you’re with me!
Mr. R’Onion: As I was saying, I have formed a party with one of your classmates, and together we shall save all the trees, and nothing else!
Mr. Pineapple: [walks into the room] Together, we shall defeat the military-paper-industrial-complex!
[Silence.]
Mr. R’Onion: Please clap.
[The students remain silent.]
Mr. Pineapple: Clap, you stupid bastards!
[Cut to the Libertarian Convention, in the CPTV studio.]
Mr. Renaud: Hey there kiddies! Now, today, we’re not going to be doing a shoot. But don’t worry, once I’m in office, all my shoots shall be legal! Vanessa, take the stage.
[Cut to Ms. Cactus.]
Ms. Cactus: Thanks, Paul. We shall not only liberate Bikini Bottom, but here in the United Kingdom as well, from the tyrannical “child protection” agencies!
[Cut to Mrs. Plankton.]
Mrs. Plankton: As a moderate, I am begging you to reconsider the tone of your message. This rhetoric will not get us elected, for the last time!
[Cut to Mr. Renaud.]
Mr. Renaud: It will not get us elected, huh? Then tell me, how did I win the primary?
[Cut to Mr. Supreme.]
Mr. Supreme: There is no need for your extremist measures right now. We need to focus on the basic things, such as making sure everyone in Bikini Bottom brushes their teeth before they start fighting over politics!
[Cut to Mr. Renaud.]
Mr. Renaud: This really just goes to show that I am the true outsider. Nobody thought someone like me would win, and they tried to prevent me from doing so, but I won. Even when I’m elected, the Libertarian Deep State will still try to overthrow me. You LINOs aren’t getting anything in my administration!
[Cut to the Democratic Convention, at Fancyson University.]
Mr. Fancyson: Greetings peasants. I shall now be giving my opening speech. I chose my university—I mean, whatever party I’m funding chose the great state of Virginia to host this convention. I’m happy to flip this swing state that voted for big-tax liberal Hillary in 2016—I mean—okay, look, Trump is the enemy! We have to defeat him! Unlike Trump, we actually care about working-class Bikini Bottomites—I mean, the rich!
Mr. Banana: Great speech, Mr. Fancyson! Now, I shall introduce our keynote speaker, Mr. G!
[Mr. Fancyson leaves the stage, and Mr. G walks up to the podium.]
Mr. G: I’m honored to give the keynote speech for the Democratic Convention. A few years ago, I was in a war zone, trying to get rid of all the political rodents in Bikini Bottom. And I’m still doing it now, however, this time I’m using my words instead of my weapons—
Delegate: [standing up in the back of the auditorium] Your weapons destroyed my life! [throws shoes at Mr. G]
Mr. G: Oh no! The horror! [runs away]
[Bikini Bottom Police rushes into the auditorium, grabbing the delegate and beating them to death.]
Police Officer: Unless Darryl Perry is in charge, having a license is a requirement to make toast in Bikini Bottom!
Mr. Banana: [looks down at the delegate’s corpse] Your disrespect towards an honorable general like Mr. G is a disgrace. How backwards. [looks back up at the audience] Anyways, I am humbled to introduce you to the 44th President of Bikini Bottom, and my personal hero, Barack Obama!
[Mr. Obama walks up to the podium.]
Mr. Obama: It’s unfortunate that Mr. G could not complete his speech due to all the folks we tortured, but don’t worry, there’s always another war criminal in Bikini Bottom. Now, while Trump claims he’ll end the wars, we won’t! We love the wars! And that’s why I’m proud to support my partner-in-crime for President!
Mr. Banana: Now, please let me introduce you to Joe’s VP choice, Kamala Harris!
[Mr. Obama leaves the stage, and Mrs. Harris walks up to the podium.]
Mrs. Harris: I’m tired of this man freeing my prisoners!
Mr. Banana: Indeed! One day, music shall be defeated! Now, for the final speech of the convention, our nominee, Joe Biden!
[Mrs. Harris leaves the stage, and Mr. Biden walks up to the podium.]
Mr. Biden: I am humiliated today to accept the nomination for the Republican Party- 
[Mr. Banana can be heard through an earpiece Mr. Biden is wearing.
Mr. Banana: Wrong party! 
Mr. Biden: Uh, I mean, the Libertarian Party.
Mr. Banana: No! The Democratic Party! 
Mr. Biden: Let me start again. I am humbled today to accept the nomination for the Green Party- 
Mr. Banana: THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY!
Mr. Biden: The Straight Party-
Mr. Banana: NO! THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, YOU BLASTED BUFFOON!
Mr. Biden: The Democratic Party! 
Mr. Banana: Finally! 
Mr. Biden: Oh wait, I messed up again!
Mr. Banana: No you didn’t!
Mr. Biden: The Republican Party!
Mr. Banana: This blasphemy has gotten out of control.
Mr. Fancyson: Okay! Biden’s the Presidential nominee! [slams a gavel]
[Cut to the Republican Convention, at the White House]
Mr. Pence: Okay, we’re going to cut to the chase here. Please welcome our President, Donald J. Trump!
[Creaking noises are heard from the bedroom.]
Mr. Pence: I said...Donald J. Trump!
Mr. Trump: [moans] Ahhhh, that was a good one, Ivanka, but I can’t stay here forever, I have to give my speech! [walks out of the bedroom and to the podium, naked] Hello losers! If you’re watching this, tell me how you love me!
[Cut to the Lobster residence.]
Mr. Larry Lobster: Working out is cool and all, but there’s only one thing I love!
Mrs. Lobster: Me? Oh, Larry, I love you too! You’re the greatest husband ever! [gets in front of the TV playing the convention, attempting to kiss him]
Mr. Lobster: NO! [pushes her away] I ONLY LOVE OUR PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP! [runs to TV and kisses it]
Mrs. Lobster: [gets back up] You know, Larry, you didn’t have to do all of that.
Mr. Lobster: What? Couldn’t handle the truth?
Mrs. Lobster: No, I was ju-
Mr. Lobster: [slaps her] Liberal snowflake! TRUMP 2020, BECAUSE FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!
[Cut to the White House.]
Mr. Trump: You know, this election won’t be easy. There are a lot of newspapers, institutes, and fanfictions that hate me very much! They are, quite frankly, the ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! I shall name them right now!
[Mr. Lobster takes out an AK.]
Mr. Trump: The Bikini Bottom Tabloid News—
[Mr. Lobster heads to the Bikini Bottom Tabloid News headquarters and shoots it up.]
Mr. Trump: The Bikini Bottom Climate Institute—
[Mr. Lobster heads to the Bikini Bottom Climate Institute headquarters and shoots it up.]
Mr. Trump: No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom—
[Mr. Lobster reports No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom to Fandom staff.]
Mr. Trump: All of these things want to destroy everything I’ve created. But that’s a common trait with these liberals, with their cancel culture!
[Cut to the Lobster residence.]
Mr. Lobster: Cancel culture?! THAT CULTURE SHOULD BE CANCELED! Ha! Did you see that, Donald?
[Cut to the White House.]
Mr. Trump: Thank you all for electing me in 2016, and please, vote for me in 2020! We can not let the radical left mob take over this nation. We need borders, and we need boaters. 
[The episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Third Season