Episode 211: Andie MacDowell/transcript

==Cold open==
 	In the Muppet lab, Beaker is dressed as Mr. Spock. Bobo, Clifford, Bunsen and Rizzo have a celebration in Beaker's honor, singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow". Beaker leaves without having any cake, and they see him off.
Beaker 	Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
Bunsen 	(laughs) Well! Toodle-oo, my little scientific sidekick! I shall miss you!
Clifford 	Hey, later, Beak!
Bunsen 	Bye-bye, Beakie!
Clifford 	Yeah, have a good time!
 	Beaker gets on the elevator and waves goodbye.
Bunsen 	Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Beaker's first Star Trek celebrity cruise. It's a true benchmark in any young man's life.
 	The others chuckle in agreement.
Bunsen 	Well. Let's go say goodbye.
 	Bunsen opens a window to reveal the cruise ship on the ocean. They wave at Beaker as he passes.
Bunsen 	Bon voyage!
Rizzo 	So long, Beakie!
Bunsen 	Enjoy your vacation!
Clifford 	Later, Beak!
Rizzo 	Don't forget to sunscreen!
 	They disperse, laughing, while Bunsen stays behind.
Rizzo 	That's gonna be fun.
Clifford 	What a trip.
Bunsen 	Hey, everybody, don't go! Why don't we synthesize some new alloys and test them for superconductive properties? It'll be a hoot.
Clifford 	Well, I'd love to, Dr. Dew, but I gave it up for Lent. Later. (leaves)
Rizzo 	Yeah, I'm a big fan of Lent myself. Ahem. (leaves)
Bobo 	Alright, take care.
Bunsen 	Well then, how about you, Bobo? Want to factor pi?
Bobo 	Pie? Hey, you can count me in. (laughs)
Bunsen 	Alrighty then. Pi equals 3.14159 –– Bobo, come on. You know the numbers.
Bobo 	Oh, you mean that pi? Oh, hey, you know, you know what? I don't think it's very funny, you toying with my emotions that way. I'm taking this. (takes the cake)
Bunsen 	... the cake? But that –– that was for ...
Bobo 	Factor pi ... (gets on the elevator) I'm gonna factor pi. In my apartment.
Bunsen 	Oh dear. Well, I guess when Beaker leaves, the party's over. Science has left me a sad and lonely man.
 	He hears a knock from within one of the cabinets. He opens it to find Ben Stein inside.
Bunsen 	(gasps) Who are you?
Ben Stein	I'm the sad and lonely man that science has left you.
Bunsen 	I don't get it.
Ben Stein	It's a joke, you sad little man. (closes the cabinet)
Bunsen 	Oh dear. I'm afraid that stranger in the cabinet is right. I am a sad little man. Well, darn it all to heck, if Beaker can have an adventure, then so can I!
 	He tosses his glasses away, and goes into a door marked "CAUTION: RADIATION HAZARD / DO NOT ENTER". An explosion is heard. Bunsen screams.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Andie MacDowell! Yay!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
=="Four Weddings and a Frog"==
 	The crew gets the stage ready. Rizzo quietly hustles everyone around him.
Rizzo 	(to cameraman) Hurry, Fred, hustle, hustle ... now now now!
A. Ligator	And now, here's the host of our show, Clifford!
 	The band plays the opening vamp as Clifford comes out to applause.
Rizzo 	Cue Clifford!
Clifford 	Hey, hey, how's everybody doin'? Yeah! Thank you, thank you. And welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that believes in flying without a net.
 	Cannonballer Gonzo soars onto the stage and lands. He gets up ...
Gonzo 	(dizzy) Maybe we should rethink that belief. (faints)
Clifford 	(laughs) Any hue, our very special guest tonight is Andie MacDowell! (applause) Yeah! Give it up! Yeah, and here she is with Kermit in a clip from her new film, Four Weddings and a Frog. Let's watch, shall we?
 	The clip is shown on the monitor. The scene is at a wedding reception with couples dancing. Andie and Kermit sit at a table.
Man 	Congratulations.
Groom 	Cheers.
Kermit 	Gee, Carrie, I can't believe this is the fourth wedding I've seen you at.
Andie 	I know, Charles, and there's something I've wanted to do since I first met you.
Kermit 	Oh yeah?
 	She gives him a kiss.
Kermit 	Ooh. Wow, that was something. I'm obviously not the first frog you've ever kissed.
Andie 	Well, no, actually you're the 35th.
Kermit 	(flusters) What? I mean, really?
Andie 	Yeah. Well, let's see. Number one, we were really young, he was just a tadpole.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Andie 	Number two was in my biology class.
Kermit 	Oh, so he was your lab partner.
Andie 	No, he was sedated and pinned down. It ended badly.
Kermit 	(whimpers)
Andie 	And let's see, three, four, five, six ... he was a horny toad.
Kermit 	Uh huh.
 	Dissolve to later.
Andie 	Twenty-eight was in the kitchen of a French restaurant. (Kermit nods) Actually, that was more of a farewell dinner.
Kermit 	(whimpers) I hate when that happens.
 	Dissolve to later.
Andie 	Thirty-four was Jeremiah.
Kermit 	Jeremiah?
Andie 	Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a very good friend of mine.
Kermit 	And you never understood a single word he said ––
Guest (BH)	(joins Kermit) –– but you helped him drink his wine?
Andie 	I have no idea what you're talking about.
Kermit 	Hmm.
Andie 	And then there was you.
Kermit 	Aww. And still no prince?
Andie 	No, but I'm still trying. (looks ahead) Who's next? Number thirty-six?
FROOGDG Uh, that's me. (shoves Kermit aside) Thank you.
 	Kermit walks away, passing a line of croaking frogs. Big Mean Carl is at the end of the line.
Carl 	Ribbit.
FROOGKC Hey! You're not a frog!
Carl 	Yes I am! (eats the frog)
==Backstage / "Snoop Doggy Dew"==
 	Rizzo and Kermit watch the clip on the monitor.
Rizzo 	Well. I guess we can cancel Carl's lunch order.
 	Bunsen bursts through the door, riding a motorcycle and dressed as a rapper.
Bunsen 	Dr. Dew is in the house!
Kermit 	What the ––?
Bunsen 	Kermit, my main man! What's the word?
Kermit 	The word? Well, uh, the word is confused! Are you feeling alright, Dr. Honeydew?
Bunsen 	(gets off the bike) Kermit, Dr. Dull is out. I've gotten in touch with my inner funk master, and his name is Snoop Doggy Dew. And look who's in the house ––
Kermit 	What?
 	The Fly Girls pop up.
Fly Girls	Hey, Doggy Dew.
Bunsen 	The Fly Girls!
 	A beat drops; Bunsen starts to rap.
Bunsen 	
My name is Snoop Doggy Dew, here to set you straight!
In the annals of science, very few are great!
 	Bunsen and the Fly Girls make their way to an urban stage setting.
Fly Girls	
♪ Dew, do-doo-doo-doo, Snoop Doggy Dew.
♪ Dew, do-doo-doo-doo, Snoop Doggy Dew.
Bunsen 	Yo, Fly Girls, kick it live!
Fly Girls	
♪ Dew, do-doo-doo-doo, Snoop Doggy Dew.
♪ Dew, do-doo-doo-doo, Snoop Doggy Dew.
Bunsen 	
It's in everything I do and everything I say,
From my chubby little fingers to my DNA!
Fly Girls	
♪ Dew, do-doo-doo-doo, Snoop Doggy Dew.
♪ Dew, do-doo-doo-doo, Snoop Doggy Dew.
Bunsen 	Kick me in the fly, live girls!
 	One of them kicks him. He sails past Zippity Zap and a script supervisor, landing in the control room and shorting out one of the U-matic decks.
Bunsen 	Off! Oh, I meant to say "Kick it live, Fly Girls".
Kermit 	Dr. Honeydew? Is everything okay? You're just not acting like yourself.
Bunsen 	Uh –– of course not, home fries! I've changed, man. Now I'm bad, I'm the bomb, I'm –– bleeding internally. Oh –– how do I say "ambulance" in street? (picks up a dictionary) I hope Beaker is having a better time than this.
==Beaker's cruise==
 	The conventioneers sit down for an announcement.
Emcee (BB)	Okay, attention everyone. Can we get our seats please? (chuckles) Okay. Well, we just have a few announcements to make. The Klingon bathing suit competition has been canceled, uh, because, well, as we all know, uh, Klingons come from a planet that doesn't have any water, so, they wouldn't need bathing suits. (laughs)
 	Pan over to Beaker, sitting next to George Takei.
George 	Yes, the schedule changes are always my favorite part of the conventions too.
Beaker 	(meeps)
George 	Oh. Allow me to introduce myself. (shakes hands) I'm George Takei.
Beaker 	(gasps)
George 	Yes –– (chuckles) –– I played Mr. Sulu on the original Star Trek series. (chuckles) A rather interesting story about how I got the role ... would you have a moment?
Beaker 	(nods enthusiastically)
George 	Well, I was a very young actor then ...
==Backstage==
 	Kermit encounters Andie backstage; they walk together.
Andie 	Kermit. There you are.
Kermit	Oh, hi there, Andie.
Andie 	Hi. You know, I have an idea for something I'd like to do on the show tonight.
Kermit	Oh, anything you'd like, Andie, you name it.
Andie 	Well, as you know, I'm from South Carolina, and I thought it'd be kind of fun to do a sketch where I play a Southern belle.
Kermit	Oh, that's a great idea. I'll get the writers right on it.
 	He opens a door to reveal a writer's room full of howling monkeys at a typewriter.
Kermit	You hear that, guys? Southern belle!
==The Hunchbear of Notre Dame==
 	Open on Bobo in a belfry.
A. Ligator	Muppet Classic Theater presents Andie MacDowell in The Hunchbear of Notre Dame.
Bobo 	Oh, what a sad life for me, Quasi-Bobo. Shut away from the world, with only the gargoyles and the bells for company. SANCTUARY!!
 	He rings the north bell.
Bobo 	To the north, big Marie!
 	He hobbles over and rings the west bell.
Bobo 	To the west, little Ricky!
 	He hobbles over to the south bell.
Bobo 	And my third and most precious of all bells, from the south!
 	He pulls the rope.
Andie 	Ding dong. Ding dong.
Bobo 	(looks up) "Ding dong"? Wha –– (laughs)
 	Pan up to Andie.
Bobo 	Oh, Andie, what are you doing up there?
Andie 	I'm not exactly sure. I told the writers I wanted to play a Southern belle, not a cathedral bell.
Bobo 	Oh, those writers! Heh! Don't worry! I'll go straighten it out. (hobbles away)
Andie 	Bobo? Don't leave me here alone. Bobo? Uh, there's a bat in here, Bobo!
==Backstage==
 	Kermit, Clifford and Rizzo watch on a monitor, shaking their heads.
Andie 	Get away. Get away.
Clifford 	Man, that was the dumbest thing we've ever done.
Kermit 	No, I think perhaps you're forgetting Mr. Poodlepants and the Mormon Tabernacle Penguins.
Clifford 	(laughs with Rizzo) Yeah, you're right. That was really bad.
Rizzo 	Yeah, that was terrible.
Kermit 	Well, listen, you guys, put on something good, and I'm gonna go get Andie out of the belfry. (exits)
Clifford 	Right, right, right. Uh, Rizzo, go put something good on the air. (exits)
Rizzo 	You got it, chief. Hey Nigel, roll that tape of Mr. Poodlepants and the Mormon Tabernacle Penguins. (laughs)
 	The tape is shown. Mr. Poodlepants bows to applause as the penguins warble atop a podium.
Mr. Poodlepants	Huh? Oh my goodness. (turns around, taps baton) Ahem. Yoo-hoo!
 	He conducts the penguins as they warble the Hallelujah Chorus.
Mr. Poodlepants	Louder, louder, louder! Come on, you guys. (tosses the sheet music) I can't read this. Hoo-hoo!
 	The penguins start fighting.
Mr. Poodlepants	Hey, stop that, you two! -– Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!
 	He tosses two penguins back up to the podium.
Mr. Poodlepants	What's the matter with you? Get up there!
 	He continues conducting as the penguins jump.
=="Pretty Bunsen"==
 	Sal watches the tape backstage.
Sal 	Hey Johnny –– is that the weirdest thing you have ever seen?
Johnny 	Uh, no, Sal. That is.
 	He points to Bunsen, who emerges dressed as a punk rocker.
Bunsen 	Padoom!
Sal 	(flinches)
Bunsen 	Hey there, Fiama, which way to the mosh pit? I'm jonesin' for a slam dance.
Johnny 	(confused) Hey, that's quite an outfit you got there, Bun baby.
Bunsen 	Oh, I'm not Bunsen anymore. My new name is Fungus. And when I'm hanging out with my punk rock chums, I'm known as Fun-guy!
 	He laughs. Johnny pretends to laugh, then Bunsen starts sobbing on his shoulder.
Johnny 	Hey, hey ...
Bunsen 	Oh, help me, Johnny. I'm so confused.
Johnny 	Hey, Dr. Honeydew, hey, pull yourself together, pal.
Sal 	Yeah, and stop bawlin' all over Johnny's wingtips.
Johnny 	Oh, Sal, hey, c'mon, huh? Look, don't worry, Honeydew. You're just having what is known as a midlife crisis. I can help you with this. You know what they say, Bunsen ...
Bunsen 	No, what?
Johnny 	... "Clothes make the man." And we're gonna make you a new man, so let's ... go get some new clothes, man.
Bunsen 	Good.
Sal 	Are you sure that's what they say, Johnny?
Johnny 	Hey, who cares? The man's desperate. Let's go shopping.
Bunsen 	Alright! Woohoo!
Sal 	Okay! Johnny Fiama's goin' shoppin'.
 	Johnny sings in voiceover to a backing track of "Pretty Woman", over a montage of Bunsen trying new outfits at a tailor's –– first a leotard, then a mariachi outfit, neither of which impress Johnny.
Johnny (singing)	
♪ Pretty Bunsen –– not that I'm into that!
♪ Pretty Bunsen –– though you're bald and fat,
♪ Pretty Bunsen ––
♪ We're gonna make you look real cool.
♪ And all the chicks you know will drool!
♪ Badum ...
 	Next, he's a cowboy, then a sailor.
Johnny (singing)	
♪ Pretty Bunsen –– though you're kinda strange,
♪ Pretty Bunsen –– aw, you gotta change, pal!
♪ Pretty Bunsen ––
♪ Are you as lonely as can be?
♪ We're gonna dress you up for free!
 	Johnny and Sal crack up at the sailor suit. Bunsen smacks Sal.
Johnny (singing)	
♪ Pretty Bunsen wears that style.
♪ Pretty Bunsen, the chicks go wild.
♪ Pretty Bunsen, you're kooky as can be.
 	Bunsen finally emerges in a fancy Italian suit and toupee. Johnny gives a thumbs-up approval.
Johnny (singing)	
♪ Pretty Bunsen, yeah yeah yeah ...
♪ Pretty Bunsen, oh yeah yeah ...
♪ Pretty Bunsen, oh yeah yeah, yeah yeah ...
♪ (scats) ... Pretty Bunsen.
==The New Bunsen / Beaker's cruise cont'd==
 	Backstage, Andie is dressed in a different outfit.
Andie 	Excuse me, do you work here?
Bill the Bubble Guy	Oh, if you call this work –– (blows bubbles) –– Oh, look, it's a cocker spaniel.
Andie 	That's very nice. But, you know, I need to talk to someone about this next sketch. You see, they dressed me up as a Southern bellhop, when really, I wanted to be a Southern belle.
Bunsen 	(off-screen) You don't wanna play no Southern belle, doll.
Andie 	Who said that?
 	Bunsen emerges, accompanied by a smoke machine and lighting.
Bunsen 	I did. The name's Honeydew. Bunsen Honeydew. Baby, what you want is change. Capisce? (bats his eyebrow manually) Take it from someone who's been there. I had what you might call a "midlife crisis".
Andie 	Well, I'm having what you call a mid-show crisis.
Bunsen 	Hey, then come along with me and be anything you dare to be.
Andie 	Oh my, just thinking about it makes me feel all hot and flushed.
Pepe 	Ehh, that is because you're leaning on the hot plate, okay.
Andie 	Oh! Sorry.
Pepe 	That's okay ... (mumbles)
Bunsen 	Andie, are you ready to take a walk on the wild side?
Andie 	(sigh) ... Yes! Where do we start?
Bunsen 	Shall we tango?
Andie 	I don't tango. But I tap.
Bunsen 	Ahh, tap! The dance of danger!
 	A hip-hop beat plays. Andie and Bunsen start tapping.
Bunsen 	Hoo-hoo! WHOA!
 	Andie throws Bunsen in the air; he crashes through the ceiling, then falls down and gets up. He and Andie conclude their dance.
Bunsen 	Ohh, if only Beaker could see me now.
 	Switch to the cruise ship: George is still talking to Beaker, who is noticeably bored.
George 	... which brings me to the time that I had to play "evil" Sulu in "Mirror, Mirror". Interesting story, that. Strangely enough, it began with a transporter malfunction. Oh, waitress? Two more sakes –– Sulu style, please.
Beaker 	(meeps)
George 	Oh, and a Spock-and-soda for my friend here. (laughs) Well, we discover a parallel universe in which evil creatures exist, and ...
==Backstage / "Dancing In the Dark"==
 	Clifford and Zippity Zap approach Kermit.
Clifford 	Yo, yo, Kerm! Kerm.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Clifford 	Listen, we gotta do something about Dr. Dew. He's becoming Dr. Loop-de-doo.
Kermit 	Oh, don't worry about him, Clifford. It's a classic mid-life crisis. You know, I went through the exact same thing back in the mid-80s?
Clifford 	Really? I can't imagine you going through something like that.
Kermit 	Oh, I can. Hey, Nigel, could you roll my mid-life crisis, please?
Nigel 	ROLL KERMIT'S MID-LIFE CRISIS TAPE NOW!!
 	A tape is shown of Kermit as Bruce Springsteen singing "Dancing in the Dark" to a live audience. Miss Piggy is in the front row. As Kermit sings, he tries to pull Piggy up on stage, but she's so heavy that his arms stretch. Several stagehands assist with some rope, but to no avail.
Kermit 	Hey there, Piggy! -– I could use just a little help.
 	Piggy is lifted onto the stage with a forklift ... almost.
Stagehands	Take her up, take her up ... oh no! Too heavy!
 	Piggy shakes off the rope and gets herself onstage, just as the song ends. Applause. Kermit bows.
Kermit 	Thank you! Oh, thank you very much! Thank you!
Miss Piggy	Hey! Why did you stop dancing?
Kermit 	Oh, well, the music stopped, and my mid-life crisis is over. See ya.
 	He walks off, but she stops him in his tracks.
Miss Piggy	Oh no, you don't! I took seven years of tap! We're tapping!
Kermit 	Oh, tap. The dance of danger.
 	The hip-hop music from an earlier scene plays as Piggy taps away.
Miss Piggy	TAP!!
Kermit 	Okay! (taps along)
==Beaker's cruise cont'd==
 	Switch to the cruise ship. Statler and Waldorf watch the show on a portable TV.
STOOT I'm feeling a little nauseated.
VOOLD Is it because of the motion of the boat?
STOOT No, it's because of the jokes on the show!
 	They chuckle, then holler at a waitress. Pan over to a drunk George with a bored Beaker.
George 	And then there were the practical jokes! (laughs) Like the time they dressed up Leonard Nimoy's son as a little Vulcan boy, and brought him onto the set! (laughs) They have it on the blooper reel they'll be showing later this evening. (laughs)
Beaker 	(meeps)
George 	(stands up) ... Oh my. You've never seen the blooper reel? (Beaker shakes his head) Oh, it's rich! (laughs)
 	Suddenly the ship crashes. The passengers panic. A Trekkie in a Klingon costume frantically approaches George.
Trekkie (KT) 	Sulu! Sulu, we've been rammed by the Battlestar Galactica fantasy cruise ship! The captain's fallen overboard! We need you! Come on, everyone, to the lifeboats! (rushes away)
George 	Finally! Here's my chance to captain a real ship! Come, Beaker, to the bridge!
 	They suddenly spot Captain Kangaroo in front of them.
Captain Kangaroo	Hello, George! Hello, Beaker.
George 	Captain Kangaroo. I was just about to assume command of the ship.
Captain Kangaroo	Oh, well, I'm afraid that's not possible, George. You see, I'm the senior officer on this ship. You see, right now, I'm Commodore-of-the-Sector Kangaroo.
George 	Aye aye, Commodore.
 	Kangaroo attempts to give the Vulcan salute.
Captain Kangaroo	Live long and prosper, George. (walks off)
George 	Mr. Beaker? Set ego for "bruised".
 	Beaker hugs him.
==Backstage / Bunsen's adventure==
 	Clifford approaches Zippity and Rizzo.
Clifford	Hey Rizzo!
Rizzo 	Whoa! Hmm?
Clifford	Have you seen Andie MacDowell?
Rizzo 	Hey, the last time I saw her, she was with Bunsen Honeydew and they were leaving the studio together, real cozy! (laughs with Zippity)
Clifford	What do you know about cozy? You're a rat.
Rizzo 	Hey, man, I got 121 kids. I know cozy.
 	Switch to a lake. Bunsen and Andie ride a speedboat.
Andie 	I never knew life could be so thrilling!
Bunsen 	Ho-ho! You ain't seen nothing yet, sister! Look –– no hands! (tosses glasses) No eyes!
Andie 	Oh, Bunsen, you're incorrigible!
 	She clutches him in excitement.
Bunsen 	I can't see! Let go!
Andie 	Oh! Baby!
 	The speedboat lands in a forest and explodes. Andie and Bunsen crawl out of the wreckage, charred.
Andie 	Whoa! I don't think I've ever seen anybody dock a boat in quite that way! That was invigorating!
Bunsen 	Oh yeah? Well, it could've been even more invigoratin', had that motor blade not lacerated my spleen! (groans)
Andie 	Oh, Bunsen, look! An outdoor carnival! Oh, what a turn-on!
Bunsen 	Oh! Race you to the tilt-a-whirl!
 	Fade to later at the carnival. Andie carries a stuffed bear.
Bunsen 	Look, Andie! I've just had my big head caricature done, and they've got me playing golf in scuba gear. (laughs) How wacky can you get? (laughs) Now it's your turn!
Andie 	Oh, big head caricatures are lame! Let's bungee jump instead! We could bounce up and down, and over and over, till we hurl! (leads him away)
Bunsen 	Is that a good thing in our exciting new life?
 	Fade to later, on a seedy urban street.
Bunsen 	This is a pretty bad part of town. I think we took a wrong turn back at that burned-down liquor store.
Andie 	Sure, this part of town looks dangerous, but it makes me want to do something wild.
Bunsen 	Hey, I know. Let's break into that pet store and set all the bunnies free. (giggles)
Andie 	Bunnies are for saps. Let's go get our body pierced.
Bunsen 	(exhausted) Don't you think we should be maybe getting back to the show?
Andie 	Are we still doing the show? I hadn't noticed. Now pick a part. We're getting it pierced. (drags him away)
Bunsen 	Maybe I'll just watch!
==Backstage==
 	Kermit and Rizzo glance at the script that the monkeys have just written.
Kermit	"Exterior, Atlanta, 1865, the city burns." (nods) Yeah! That's more like it, guys. Andie MacDowell wanted to be a Southern belle, and a Southern belle she shall be. (the monkeys chatter) Rizzo, go round up the cast and find Andie.
Rizzo 	Right, chief. (exits)
Kermit	Hey, you guys did really good. You can go touch the monolith now.
 	The monkeys screech excitedly and rush to the monolith as "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays. They start striking it with bones and other objects; one has a bunch of bananas.
Kermit	I'll never know what they see in that thing. Eesh. (walks off)
==Carl the Big Mean Psychic==
 	Clifford takes the stage.
Clifford 	And now, Muppets Tonight is proud to present, Carl the Big Mean Psychic! Give it up!
 	Applause and a fanfare as Carl enters with a bird.
Big Mean Carl	Hi! I'm Carl, and I'm psychic.
Alphonso 	Hi! I'm Alphonso D'Abruzzo and we've never met. (squawks)
Big Mean Carl	And, and, and I'm gonna tell Alphonso's future.
Alphonso 	Aah!
Big Mean Carl	(grabs the bird) Okay, okay. Um, I sense that you're a Virgo who'll be eaten whole.
Alphonso 	(wriggles) I find that hard to swallow.
Big Mean Carl	I don't. (eats the bird, belches) Thank you! (bows)
==Closing==
 	Kermit and Clifford make chit-chat as the stage is set for the "Southern belle" sketch. Andie arrives with Bunsen.
Kermit 	Oh, here she comes. Uh, hi there, Andie, there you are. Uh, listen, we've got that uh, "Southern belle" sketch sorted out you were interested in.
Andie 	Southern belle? I don't wanna do that. It's so ... twenty minutes ago.
Clifford	(stammers) But Andie, you've gotta do it! I mean, you know, the writers wrote a great scene, and the set is all done.
Andie 	Alright, fine! I'll do it. But we want it to have an edge, right, Bunsen?
Bunsen 	Speaking of edge ... I think I'm teetering on it! (sobs)
Andie 	That's my boy. (manhandles him)
 	Fade to later. Andie and Bunsen walk on the set.
Andie 	Okay, the shark tank'll be over there, and I'll be suspended over it. Bunsen honey, you're running on flaming hot coals, and then I'll douse you with �––
Bunsen 	Wait, wait –– that's it! Hold it! Stop it! I can't do this anymore! This hair, these clothes –– they are not me! (removes the hair)
Andie 	Then who are you?
Bunsen 	I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, MD, PhD, DDS, colon-backslash-www-dot-com. And that's who I'll always be.
Andie 	Well, alright, Bunsen, I'll respect that, but as for me, there's still a lot more adventures out there. I wanna climb the alps! I wanna run with the bulls in Pamplona! I wanna sit through a Pauly Shore movie!
Bunsen 	That's it, she's snapped.
Andie 	And although I've had a wonderful time with you, Bunsen, it's time for me to get on my chopper and go.
Bunsen 	You have a motorcycle?
Andie 	(grins) Well –– not exactly.
 	A helicopter lowers a ladder and she climbs onto it.
Bunsen 	But Andie! Andie, where will you go? What will you do?
Andie 	Frankly, my Dew, I don't give a dear!
 	She blows him a kiss and is lifted by the copter. Kermit, Clifford, and the monkeys, including Sal, see her off.
Bunsen 	Well, there she goes, gentlemen. Andie MacDowell, gone with the wind.
Clifford	Well, I guess she got to play a Southern belle after all.
Kermit 	Hey, you writers did a great job.
Sal 	Wait a second, Kermit! You let a bunch of monkeys write this show?
Kermit 	Actually, they're all producers. Last one to the monolith buys the bananas!
 	The monkeys all run off howling. Sal follows.
Sal 	Hey! None of youse better touch my monolith!
==Epilogue==
 	George and Beaker are stranded at the North Pole, surrounded by penguins. Beaker shows signs of agony.
George	Now of course, the episode "Bread and Circuses" was an absolute classic. Captain Kirk did save the day, yes, but, at the crucial moment, Sulu presses that button on the com ...
Beaker	(meeps "Beam me up!" into com)
George	Did you say "Meep me up"?
Beaker	Mee mee moo.
George	What does that mean?
 	Beaker is immediately beamed up.
George	Hmph. What a dull fellow. "Meep meep meep!" I thought he'd never leave.
 	The penguins surround George. He talks to one next to him.
George	Oh! Hello, my little friend. (the penguin warbles) Yes, yes, I am George Takei. I did play Sulu on Star Trek. Rather interesting story how I got that role ... would you have a moment?
 	The penguins ditch him. The credits roll, with outtakes from "Four Weddings" and the "Southern belle" scene.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts