Love, Taxes and a Kidney/Transcript

This is the transcript for Love, Taxes and a Kidney, which aired on October 14, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 Previously on B Positive You're ready for your transplant.
- Really? - As soon as they get an opening in the schedule, you'll be getting her kidney.
All right, I need you to count backwards from ten.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Hit that with a sponge for me? Thank you.
[GASPS SOFTLY.]
Want to give me a little room here? - Sorry.
That's just a lot of blood.
- Step away.
All right.
We've revealed the external iliac vein.
Can we bring in the kidney, please? Kidney here! Fresh, ice-cold kidney! Gina? Drew! It is so good to see you.
How are you doing? Honestly, a little nervous.
Understandable.
Whoa, that is a lot of blood.
Still waiting on that kidney.
Oh, sorry.
Smells like chicken.
BASKIN: Time's a-wastin'.
Incoming! What are you doing? Whoa.
That's my kidney! - Please stop.
- Oh, come on, live a little.
I am trying to live a little.
Can we crank up the happy juice? - The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live - Your happiness is relative - Happiness But if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive Hi, Dad.
Hi, honey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Doctor said it went really well.
Oh.
Great.
How's Gina? She's fine.
Room right next door.
Thank God.
I'm so happy you're okay.
Ah, me, too, baby.
Me, too.
I want to see Gina.
I'll go get a nurse.
Want some water? Yeah.
Thanks.
Gina's really great, isn't she? Ah, the best.
So, what happens now? Is she, like, gone from your life? No, no, never.
Gina means everything to me.
Everything? You mean you and her? No.
I mean I don't know what I mean.
I wonder if I should call her Gina or Mom.
Stop that.
Maybe Kidney Donor Hump Buddy.
Aunt Gina.
Just call her Aunt Gina.
Can you grab me a water? You're right there.
Yeah, but I gave you a kidney, so you kind of owe me.
How long are you gonna hold this over my head? As long as it's funny.
You know, I think doctors purposely make you wait when they have important test results.
Yeah.
Girls do that, too.
I had a boyfriend who thought I was pregnant, and I made him wait a long time before I told him I wasn't.
Why'd you do that? I had to make sure he wouldn't flunk me.
Open my water.
Hey there.
- Sorry for the wait.
- Are you? Great news.
Your creatinine levels are exactly where they need to be.
So my body's not gonna reject the kidney? If it was going to, it would have happened by now.
Drew! We did it! We sure did! I had something to do with it.
But okay.
Ah, I can't believe this.
No more dialysis.
No more worrying about dying.
Other than the normal worrying about dying.
Speaking of which, you must remember to take your immunosuppressants twice a day.
- You got it.
- For the rest of your life.
Oh, don't worry, I'll stay on top of the pills.
I kind of own his ass now.
All right, well, I'll see you in six months.
- Say thank you.
- I was gonna say it.
Thanks, Doc.
Wow.
This is just great news.
Amazing.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[SIGHS.]
Okay, well, I I got to get back to work.
H-Hang on, Gina.
I just got to say something.
What you've done for me I-I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
You don't owe me anything, other than to live a long life.
A good life.
You got it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, a part of me is inside you.
It's kind of weird.
No, it's not weird.
It's beautiful.
Okay, that was weird.
You didn't even drink your water.
All right, you are all set.
Um I kind of have to pee.
You're kidding, right? Don't worry, I-I can hold it in.
Yeah.
You can.
I got an empty Gatorade bottle in my bag for emergencies.
It's yours.
Thank you.
Uh, not to brag, but is it a wide mouth? [SNAPS FINGERS.]
Quick question, you guys.
Who has two thumbs and a fully functioning, brand-new kidney? This guy.
ELI/JERRY: Congratulations.
- So your blood tests came back clean? - Yep.
I am good to go.
That's great.
I'm happy for you, man.
So happy for you.
No jealousy at all.
I'm totally fine strapped to this machine cleaning my blood three days a week.
So again just happy for you.
DREW: Thanks.
So how about I take you guys out to a celebratory lunch? Uh, sorry, we just strapped in.
Another time? Right.
Sure.
Should have called ahead.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
I used to sit there.
Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I got me a new kidney.
I heard.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
So, are you two a couple, or? Okay.
Well, I guess I'll see you guys around.
Around where? [LAUGHS.]
Yes, Jerry.
Good one.
Okay, Dunbar out.
Well, that was uncomfortable.
Which one did you give him, the left or the right? Right.
So now your left kidney's doing all the work? I guess.
That doesn't seem fair.
Do you even know what kidneys do? They clean the blood of toxins and transform the waste into urine.
Good for you.
I googled it so I could brag about you.
You know what's weird? Ever since the operation, I've been feeling, I don't know stupidly happy.
- They give you drugs? - Not the stupid happy kind.
So you went through this for nothing? LUDLUM: When you're done in here, strip the bed in 206 and toss the mattress.
- No.
Mr.
Knudsen? - Yeah, heart attack on the toilet.
That's so sad.
He was always constipated.
It was bound to happen.
Chop-chop.
Let's move it.
I really liked him.
He was such a sweet old man.
Yeah, I think I think he had a crush on you.
Oh, it was harmless.
His own daughter wanted nothing to do with him, so he kind of adopted me.
LUDLUM: Forgot.
Gina, Knudsen apparently left something in his will for you.
- You're kidding.
- No.
Expect a call from a lawyer.
What about me? Did he leave anything for me? Yeah.
A truly horrifying mess in his bathroom.
I wonder what he left me.
I'll give you 20 bucks to swab out the toilet.
- Not a chance.
- 25.
Let me see your money.
- GINA: Hello! - Kitchen! - Oh, this is nice.
- Yes.
I thought I'd make dinner a little special.
- Ooh.
- Wine? Please.
On sale at Trader Joe's.
- 12 bucks.
- Have to buy it.
Have to.
A toast.
Oh, okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- To life - Mm.
To love, to happiness.
Okay, sure.
Mm.
Drew, I have to tell you something.
Actually, I need to tell you something first.
- Okay, but mine is more - Please can I say what I have to say before I lose my nerve? Okay.
Gina, uh we've been friends for a year now, and while I cherish that relationship, I was thinking maybe we I'm rich! What? Mr.
Knudsen died taking a poop and left me $48 million! What? He was a wonderful old man.
He was kind, funny Struggled with his bowels But he always treated me like I was a real person, not some loser working a crappy minimum wage job at an old age home, and now he is gone, and-and I'm insanely rich! GINA: So this is all mine? Not all of it.
There's taxes.
- How much? - About half.
So $24 million? Give or take.
[BREATH SHUDDERS.]
Uh, are you okay? I just had a little orgasm.
This is unbelievable.
[GASPS.]
Crazy, right? I should have got a better bottle of wine.
So, what did you want to tell me? Oh, it's not important.
- Really? It seemed like a big deal.
- I said it's not important, okay? Whoa.
What was that? Nothing.
Sorry.
You mad at me? No, of course not.
Please, eat.
We have to celebrate your good fortune.
Okay.
I'm just a little off today.
Maybe my new meds.
Sure.
Would you feel better if I bought you a car? Very funny.
Wait, would you actually No.
My Civic's fine.
A car you can trust.
So, what are you gonna do with all this money? Oh, I have no idea.
My whole life, I've barely ever had $48, and now I have $48 million.
$24 million.
Don't forget the taxes.
Mm.
What if I don't pay them? What are they gonna do to me? - Put you in jail.
- [LAUGHS.]
: For taxes? No, I don't think so.
Hey.
Will you do me a favor? Don't tell anybody about the money.
Especially Eli.
Yeah, sure.
Is everything okay with you guys? Oh, I don't know.
Ever since he asked me to move in and I decided to stay here, it's been weird.
Well, I'm sure you kids will figure it out.
Or not.
I guess.
I'll probably move out anyway.
Really? Well, yeah.
I mean, millionaires usually have their own places, don't they? Lady Gaga, Batman, they all have their own places.
Makes sense.
Well, I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Bon appÃ©tit.
What do you know about offshore tax shelters? - Can I get you anything, Norma? - No.
- Cup or tea, maybe? - No, thank you.
- How about a bagel? You like bagels.
- I have no money to leave you, Gabby.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Hey.
What are you doing here? Uh, I work here.
You also have $48 million.
$24 million after taxes.
Mm, we'll see.
Hey, how are you feeling? Like my hip is made of broken glass.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you taking your pain meds? Sometimes.
Norma, come on.
I don't like the way they make me feel.
I get all sleepy and spaced out.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Well, at least let me get you some Tylenol or something.
I'm fine.
- Just leave me alone.
- Hey, I know you're not feeling well, but don't take it out on me.
Who should I take it out on? Gabby.
She's no good.
Hey, get her some Tylenol.
Sure.
Norma, I'm gonna get you some Tylenol I have no money, Gabby.
So how is it being rich? Oh, it's confusing.
I don't feel like I deserve it.
Why? Why not you? You were very kind to that man.
You took time to listen to his stories, take him to the doctor, get his hair cut.
- That's just my job.
- No, no, no.
It was much more than your job.
You cared about him.
You have any idea how much that means around here? I'm gonna miss him.
Yeah.
Me, too, honey.
- GABBY: Here you go, Norma.
- Thanks.
Uh, uh, Mrs.
Prufrock, cup of tea? Bagel? Wait, slow down.
Can I help you? Yes.
Um, I'm not sure if you remember me, but I bought a burial plot from you about a year ago.
Oh, sure.
Mr.
, uh, Dunlop, right? [CHUCKLES.]
Dunbar.
But close.
Right.
Darn.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, what can I do for you, Mr.
Dunbar? Well, uh, this is gonna sound a little odd, but I was wondering if the cemetery might buy it back? Why? Are you unhappy with it? - No, it's a great plot.
- Yeah.
If I recall, it's on a hilltop under a copse of trees.
Terrific view.
Yeah.
Very picturesque.
It's just, the thing is, when I bought it I wasn't doing so well, and Don't tell me.
You decided on cremation? You're gonna do the, uh, environmental, ashes-in-the-ocean thing? I got to tell you, not really good for the fish.
No.
No cremation.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, th-the thing is I got a kidney transplant, and I'm looking to live a lot longer.
Well, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
good for you.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, sure, we'll buy it back.
- Great.
- But I got to tell you, you lose half your investment.
Why? Well, think of it like a car purchase.
The second you drive it off the lot [CLICKS TONGUE.]
loses 50% of its value.
But I haven't driven it anywhere.
- It's just grass and dirt.
- Well, I'm sorry, it's considered a used plot whether you're lying in it or not.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have people who are not as lucky as you who need to be put to their eternal rest.
Can I at least sublet it? [PHONE VIBRATING.]
Hey, Eli.
Hey, let me ask you how are you fixed for a burial plot? - What? - A burial plot.
You know, a headstone, flowers enough room for a tasteful crypt.
I'm good, Drew.
Listen, has Gina said anything about me lately? No.
Why do you ask? I haven't heard from her the last couple of days, and to be honest with you, things have been weird.
Really? Is she seeing someone else? Not that I'm aware of.
But who knows with women.
They are the original deceivers.
I always felt like I was a little bit more into her than she was into me, you know? Maybe.
What does your gut tell you? Part of me says I should just break it off.
Hi.
We're hoping to buy a cemetery plot.
Oh, uh, got to go, Eli.
Trust your gut.
Dump her.
Come with me.
I want to show you something with a view.
Shoes.
Hmm.
[FORCED GASP.]
And more shoes.
Ooh Look.
Shoes! What is this one? [FORCED GASP.]
What do you know? Shoes! - Hey.
- Hey.
Shoes! Did a little shopping, huh? I was feeling a little sad this afternoon shoes! So I decided to spend some money Bought some shoes.
Shoes! I see.
Also bought a couple of Birkin bags they're, like, $30,000 each, which is totally obscene until you own one, and then they're pretty wonderful.
You want one? I think you could pull it off.
No, thanks.
Tomorrow I'm going into the city, and I'm buying a condo.
Maybe two condos.
One for my shoes.
Y-You're gonna live in Manhattan? [PANTING.]
: I could.
I don't have to.
I can go wherever I want.
[CRYING.]
: Wherever makes me happy.
[CHUCKLING, CRYING.]
That's what I'm gonna be.
[SOBBING.]
: Happy! I don't know what's happening! [GROANS.]
Aah.
Ow! Sorry.
Louboutin.
Look, everything's gonna be okay.
You'll see.
Will it? I don't know! I don't know anything! Okay?! I thought buying all this stuff would make me feel better, and it did, and then and then it didn't.
It just makes me I don't know what I am.
You're just a little overwhelmed.
And that's perfectly understandable.
How come I feel so awful? What is wrong with me? Oh, nothing is wrong with you.
[SHUDDERS.]
: Oh Are there support groups for rich, unhappy people? Not unless you want to become a Republican.
But, hey, look, the good news is, you have someone in your life who will care for you no matter what, who can be your support system, your your-your partner, even.
[RINGTONE PLAYING.]
It's Eli.
You should get that.
Hi.
Yeah, sure, what's up? [SIGHS.]
Yeah, I know, things have been kind of awkward.
Really? A weekend in Vermont? That sounds great.
I could use a break.
Oh, no, everything's fine.
I'll-I'll tell you about it over the weekend.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
You guys are going to Vermont? Yeah, bed-and-breakfast.
He wants to start over, get back to where we were.
[HIGH-PITCHED.]
: Great.
Great.
Hey.
Thanks for letting me vent all over you.
You're my best buddy.
Yeah.
I haven't heard that since prom night.
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Sorry, I didn't know where else to go.
What's going on? [SIGHS.]
I'm in love with Gina.
What? She's the one.
I'm sure of it.
All right.
Come talk to Gideon.
How do you know where I live?
Category:Episode Transcripts
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