LU 243 - Mira 12

I just saw darkness for a while. Pure black. Almost as black as the void that I had once been encased in, and died to... Then, color flooded my eyes as I opened them. I felt an ache all over my body, but I also felt- a blanket..? I don't recall being in a bed before I passed out. Nor did I recall some kind of material on my head-
... And I certainly didn't recall being in a plant-filled room. I panicked for a moment upon seeing my surroundings as briefly as I had, thinking that I had been kidnapped, because I had foolishly passed out in the middle of Spawn, and got out of the bed as fast as I could- Which resulted in me falling face first onto the wooden floorboards. I groaned to myself, standing up as I leaned onto the.. what looked to be a- doctor's bed? What is it properly called- Fuck, I can't think straight right now. I just know I leaned on the thing I woke up in for support so I could steady myself, and to get a good look at the room I was currently residing in.
There were definitely plants around- but also brewing stands... Perhaps someone that also liked making potions lived here-? Fuck- What am I thinking, trying to find a similarity between myself and a person I hadn't even met yet. I didn't even know if I had been 'kidnapped' yet. Well... The windows were wide open, so I could leave at any moment- Perhaps I wasn't being held captive..?
Regardless of my overwhelming thoughts, I wandered out of the room, finding myself hearing somebody.. humming..? It sounded like it came from outside- So I decided to follow the sound of the humming up a small flight of stairs, catching a glimpse of someone through yet another wide open window, seemingly writing in a journal. I felt a pit form in my stomach - when was the last time I ate? - as I took a step away from the window seeing who could have potentially been my captor, but apparently I was too obvious as the masked guy looked right towards me. He seemed almost as shocked as I was, before I yelped, not hearing what he yelled out as I went back to the hall to that room I woke up in-
In my attempt to hide, I stood by the stairs, hoping he hadn't seen me.. But to no avail as when he came down, he immediately caught sight of my cowering self. We had stared at one another in silence for a moment, before I decided to speak up first- 
"Who- Where is this? Who are you?"
I made my hesitance and confusion very evident in my questioning, however remaining cowered by the stairs as if they would protect me in some way if needed. Another moment passed of silence, before he responded; 
"Truly my manners are horrible, aren't they..? My apologies, my name is Doctor Styg. This is my house."
"Doctor Styg..?" I questioned silently to myself. That.. I've never heard that name before. 'Styg'-... I hadn't even heard of a doctor that lived near Spawn town either. Was this even near Spawn?
I was torn out of my thoughts as Styg spoke up again, asking if I had remembered what happened before I woke up... Ha- How could I forget. I told him how I knew I had gone to Spawn - or, the Amathian Empire, if he knew it as that - and that I passed out soon after I got there. He confirmed that I did actually pass out there, and that he was surprised to 'find an unconscious Enderian in the middle of the street'... I really have to stop passing out at random times.
I immediately apologized to him, stating that it wasn't my intent to worry anybody by doing such a thing. 
"Would you like to take a seat? You really shouldn't be standing just yet," He spoke with what I assumed to be concern in his voice.
... How many people have taken care of me after finding me passed out, at this point..? It was a horrible 'habit' of mine, it seemed... I really need to stop doing that.
I merely nodded at Styg's words, in which he asked if he could get me some tea... I then asked if he could instead perhaps get me some coffee, and received a confirmation, with him saying he would return. I thanked him for his hospitality, and went to the table nearby to sit down-... And only then did I really begin to feel the weight of the armor I had worn. So, whilst having sat down, I yanked off my armor and threw it all on the floor nearby, ignoring the aching feeling I felt in my arms as I did such.
Styg soon returned as he said he would with two mugs in hand, handing one to me as he seated himself on the opposite side of the table, and I had thanked him once again for even actually going through with making the coffee that I had requested. I held it in both hands, letting it warm my palms before taking a small sip- And letting out a satisfied sigh. Nothing like a good cup of coffee to ease the nerves. That's how it feels for me, at least.
I almost missed it when he had asked my name, in which I responded accordingly- It was probably rude that I hadn't given my name after he gave me his, after all... Yikes.
"Mira, it's a pleasure to finally meet you while you're conscious," he claimed with a small chuckle afterwards. I gave a slightly awkward chuckle in response, before asking him myself; "You said your name was uh, Styg- right?" Just to ensure that I had heard him right the first time, to which he confirmed.
"I must apologize for whisking you away to my home while you were unconscious, though. As a doctor I felt it my responsibility to make sure you were alright," he stated calmly.
I sort of shifted in the seat I was in, feeling awkward in pretty much every sense of the word. I responded saying that it was almost a habit of mine at this point, rubbing the back of my neck trying to relieve myself of the feeling I had- Probably just nerves getting to me.
"But really- mild fever, tachycardia, signs of muscle fatigue. No doubts you were working yourself to the point of exhaustion, huh?"
... Wow he really just called me the fuck out, huh. I guess I hadn't had the chance to rest willingly in a.. long while. Always doing something, to keep myself busy, just to not.. have a fucking nightmare- Even after all this time.
"S-Something.. like that? I was.. in a big fight. Uh- A while before I fell unconscious," I only semi-confirmed his assumption, not willing to say anything about my sleeping troubles or anything to a stranger that had already taken care of me so much at this point. It would probably be too much at this point if I said anything about that.
He appeared to remain silent for a second after I spoke; "That would explain the traces of blood on your hands that I found."
His words caused me to freeze up, the memory of what I did to Tori yesterd- before I fell unconscious, coming back to me as I looked up to him, then back down almost ashamed.
"Wh- Shit-"
Only to then apologize about the profanity, but also the fact he found that blood in the first place. He merely waved it off, saying that he had cleaned it up whilst I was asleep. I could only thank him once again for his hospitality, but the feeling of shame hadn't washed away.
"Patients that find their way into my clinic often have... unique circumstances," he began, and I could already tell that he was going to pry, even before he said anything else. But I just let him speak as a frown made it's way to my face, allowing the memories to come back to me. 
"But... and I know it is not my place to ask but... what exactly happened, Mira?"
I lowered my head again as I contemplated how to phrase what I needed to let out. I hadn't had the chance to speak about it yet... And he was asking, so what was the harm in telling him? It hurt too much to keep inside.
Thus, I began speaking of how there were 'people' that a group and I had to 'kill'... Referring to the trees, and some of my friends in that group. I tried to be as vague as possible.
I then stated how we had fought the most powerful of them, and that we won, of course. Then to state that the world would have probably ended if we had lost. Styg seemed almost confused at my statement, but encouraged me to elaborate, which I did. 
"These 'people' wanted to uh, kill the 'Gods'- I don't know if you believe in them or anything.."
I went silent for a second, trying to allow him to speak up about his belief in them, but when he hadn't spoken, I just continued;
"But they.. were really powerful. Hell- One of them called themselves the 'Anti God'."
Styg mentioned how it was 'quite the moniker', to which I agreed. I took a moment to gather my thoughts as I agreed however, then continuing on, stating that my friends and I had of course struggled to fight, and to win that battle which I had stated before. But.. I paused halfway through my sentence, feeling myself growing silent. I felt a pang in my heart as I recalled what had happened next, and tears slowly forming in my tear ducts, with that extra painful sensation.
He however urged me to continue speaking. It took me a moment, but I obliged.
"I-It cost.. three of my friends' lives. To properly ensure that these 'people' were actually dead."
I noticed a slight shift in his expression, at least from what I could see as he had a mask on. He offered his sympathy, stating that it was 'quite the price to pay', of which I agreed whilst wiping away the tears that formed. I then quickly apologized for just dropping all of that information onto him, that he didn't need to deal with.
"No, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm... sorry that you had to go through that. I know how hard that must have been for you," he spoke almost softly. 
It made me feel almost pathetic, making a complete stranger feel bad for me after he had nursed me to health- Well, almost to full health. It- felt horrible.
I continued on regardless of my self-loathing, just needing to let it all out at this point. I couldn't keep it in, speaking of how I had lost another at the same time- Of course referring to Insight, not that he would have known her. The way I had phrased it was definitely vague, but he didn't seem to question it. It then came to the point that I stayed silent once again, trying to decide if I should trust Styg with the next bit of information... It would probably have been a lot to handle- If he found out he was being hospitable towards a murderer, after all.
My silence had gone on long enough for him to speak up and urge me to continue once again, sighing to myself as I obliged yet again.
"And then I killed someone, after all of that." 
That someone being Tori, but he didn't need to know names. Not right now. I had no clue if Styg knew the Soul Condor anyways. I didn't want to give him a reason to hate me. But I noticed he had been silent, which caused me to almost panic as I rambled on a little more-
"Someone that was on his own, hardly involved. He- I-I didn't want to, he-..."
I then fell silent, feeling shitty that I had been throwing all of this onto this poor guy, who now might hate me after what I said.
"Did he deserve it?"
Styg's question threw me off a little, and I merely stated that I was unsure. But that I also felt more blood was on my hands than Tori's, regardless of the fact that he had killed people as well. I killed Tori twice, after all... However, Styg questioned if I had meant to do it. I could only say that I hadn't, but it still.. still made me feel like shit.
There was silence for a second, until Styg's voice broke it; "I... am certainly a hypocrite for saying this but.. you should not punish yourself for something you did not mean to do with malicious intent."
I looked up towards him after he spoke, staring for a second too long before turning my head away, almost ashamed, but yet.. curious. What does he mean by being a 'hypocrite' and then saying that-?
"I.. s-suppose you're right- But I'm probably oversharing..."
I apologized once again, for having spoken about all of this, just for him to say "Part of my cause is to lend a listening ear. Sometimes that is the best medicine," to which I had thanked him yet again. That I appreciated that he had listened to what I had to say. Now I had to figure out how to repay him for letting me speak about all this, and for his hospitality...
"You seem like a good person, Mira. Perhaps it is fate that I found you when I did, so that I could help you heal in the small ways that I can," in which I assumed to be a bit of a joke at first. 
But I smiled regardless, saying that I don't mind such a fate, only to then recall out loud that a friend of mine had said something similar once, about fate. One of the friends I had lost at that time with the trees... And openly admitted that I missed her. He said something about how she seemed like she was a wonderful friend, to which I agreed, turning my head away with a saddened smile, reminiscing on the small amount of time I had with her.
"What was her name?"
"... Her name was Illios-"
I responded to his question almost impulsively, then realizing that I probably should have kept that to myself. I didn't know if she would have liked to be kept quiet from people, but.. I guess it was out in the open now. When I looked back towards him, he seemed almost shaken up upon hearing the name. I stared at him for a second, confused and a little worried, until he spoke up;
"Pardon? Did you say-"
I hadn't intended to cut him off, but I did anyways.
"... Illios- I know she was an ex-empress and all, uh... Did you know her or something?"
He remained silent after I asked the question, before getting out of his seat, a small half-hearted chuckle escaping him at first. It was.. unsettling. I didn't understand why he was acting like this, but it might have been the fact that he.. probably knew Illios? I could only assume, based on his reaction- It was similar to how I think I would have acted if I got told that she was dead without being one of the first to know.
His laughter soon escalated, however, even after I had asked if he was alright. I apologized, if I had said something wrong, before he had wandered into the room that I had woken up in, staring out one of the open windows. I felt uneasy, worried, and pity, all at once for the guy- Until his laughter had died down, turning towards me slowly.
"Haha... No, no you said nothing wrong. It's just that..."
I stared towards him awkwardly, nervous about the way he was acting, before he continued speaking; "What kind of cruel irony is it that one of the last people I would trust to kill me, dies before they even get the chance?"
My expression dropped to near-shock, yet I knew I still looked concerned for him, and broke the silence before it could even start; "I'm.. s-sorry..."
To which he had apologized in-turn, about how he had overshared. I reassured him that it was fine, until he continued to speak again, "I did know Illios, long ago."
... I then asked if he meant long ago, like around when her empire was still around, considering that people like Space and Edelle still lived to this day. Perhaps.. Styg was also one of those kind of people..?
"I've lived far longer than I'd like, against my best intentions," he spoke with a sorrowful tone in his voice as he slightly turned his gaze away from me, before continuing. "I... hurt Illios." 
It was a shock at first, of course, to which I asked if he could elaborate. He- He seemed so nice, how could he have hurt anybody..? Especially Illios-... He only said that he had hurt her in more than one way, stating that he didn't even know she survived, and then expressing his regret, and that he would have liked to say sorry to her.
"I'm, so sorry, Styg... That you didn't get that chance to apologize to her."
I tried expressing my sympathy towards him, feeling a pang in my heart, knowing that there was now another person effected by Illios' death...
Styg turned back towards me after my words left my mouth, merely letting out a soft chuckle that was in no-way in any amount of humor. 
"Perhaps it was another turn of fate. Perhaps I didn't deserve to apologize to her."
I interjected, saying that he shouldn't say such a thing about not deserving such, before he went on; "Just like all the others I couldn't say sorry to," before his gaze turned towards the set of mechanical wings upon the wall, his stare lingering.
I stared at him, and it almost took everything in my being to prevent me from getting closer. He probably needed his space, right now... I wanted to say more, so I tried speaking up to wrack through my thoughts to figure out what would be best to say at the moment, before he had merely apologized, saying it was 'unbecoming' of him.
"... No, don't apologize. I can't imagine how long you've.. kept that to yourself for," I spoke up, my eyes trailing downwards to the floorboards as silence once again filled the room. It felt awkward. The room almost felt suffocating now, filled with silence, sorrow, and regret.
"I'd recommend that you stay here a bit longer to rest and recover, though I understand if you... don't want to, knowing what you now know of me," Styg uttered, turning his head away from me as I looked back up towards him.
I mentioned how it'd be 'horrid' if I left him alone after what was just shared between us, which urged him to speak up again; "I've lived by myself for quite some time, and I've been just fine."
Something inside of me couldn't keep quiet as I responded, "Yet just hearing her name, you seemed to kind of break down." He turned towards me after I spoke, to which I quickly added on that I meant no offense when saying that-
"Sometimes reliving the past is difficult. Especially when there is a lot to relive," was his reply at first, before adding on, "Katharos made sure I'd feel every minute of that."
... That name again. I had heard it before- It was.. earlier on the day that Illios died. When I saw her in the old decrepit church-like area. I must've repeated the name, as Styg had said that the name would be spoken about another day. I then stated that I had already known about him, that Illios had told me about that being. 
"That God... had made both you and her deal with something that stuck with you for a long time, huh..." My sentence trailed off, as I had yet again looked down, avoiding his gaze.
Styg kept silent, before claiming that Katharos was indeed much crueler than what the religious texts might imply about him, then telling that one day he might speak more of the God. I nodded, confessing that I wouldn't mind listening to whatever he would have had to say about the God. He merely shrugged it off for another day, saying that he needed to go to the garden for some fresh air.
However, I began to speak up one last time to him, to which he allowed me to speak-
"If it's.. any consolation whatsoever... I'm sure Illios will.. forgive you, eventually. In the afterlife- If there is one..." 
Truthfully, I was just trying to comfort him with my poor attempt of words- Then adding on, "No matter what you did to her, in the past."
Styg kept silent for a second, then two, after I spoke. He stared directly at me, before walking past me, leaving me with one final sentence from him before he left; "I don't know about that."
And then, I was left alone in the room with my thoughts once again, just like when I woke up.