Episode 110: Martin Short/transcript

==Cold open==
 	An agent (Martin) sits with Kermit at his desk.
Agent (Martin)	Let me just say, right off the bat, that my client Martin Short is a 'yuge fan of the Moffets. (guffaws) He's always talking about Moffets, Moffet this, Moffet that. Little Miss Moffet.
Kermit 	Uh, that's "Muppets".
Agent (Martin)	He loves them too. I'm particularly wild about that chubby pig. She is a hoot. I don't like the green one though. He frightens me! What-what-what-what's his name?
Kermit 	That would be me.
Agent (Martin)	Yes. I don't like you.
Kermit 	Huh?
Agent (Martin)	Anyway! These are the uh, requirements of my client. He needs a super-y'uge deluxe dressing room, he needs a catered Kosher meal — he's not Jewish, but — (mumbles, rolls eyes) you know, he's just on a little bit of a kick. And … $100,000 per day.
Kermit 	Uh, ahem … (on the intercom) Uh, uh, Gonzo, uh, what do we have in the budget for Mr. Short?
 	Gonzo pops up behind him.
Gonzo 	Well, let's see, uh, we've got tap water. Uh, pretzel rods, and all the coins that he can find in the sofa.
Agent (Martin)	(hyperventilates) — You've got yourself a deal.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Martin Short! YAAAYY!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening==
 	Open on the house band.
A. Ligator	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
 	Clifford comes onstage to applause.
Clifford 	(laughs) Hey everybody! Heh heh heh! How ya doin'? Heh heh. Hi, I'm Clifford. And welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that puts the "fab" in "fabulous", the "marvel" in "marvelous", and the "aw" in "awful"!
Rizzo 	No, no, no! Clifford, that's "awesome"!
Clifford 	Thanks, Rizzo. You ain't so bad yourself. (laughs) Yeah! Our special guest star tonight is, Mr. Martin Short! (applause) Yeah! Give it up! Heh heh. But first, here's our very own surgical soap opera.
==E-I-E-I-O.R.==
 	Open on a hospital hallway.
A. Ligator	It's time for another pointless episode of barnyard hospital drama, on E-I-E-I-O.R.
 	In a doctor's office, Dr. Fozzie encounters a duck on crutches.
Fozzie 	♪ Hip bone's connected to the — hey, hey, hey! What's wrong with you?
Duck 	What does it look like? I'm a lame duck!
Fozzie 	Go sit down.
Duck 	What'll that do?
Fozzie 	Make you a sitting duck! (honks a horn)
Duck 	Quack.
Fozzie 	What'd you call me?
Duck 	Hey, take it easy, this is the noise I make.
Fozzie 	Oh.
Duck 	Incompetent fool.
Fozzie 	What?
Duck 	Just another duck noise. (limps away)
 	Fozzie honks the horn again. Switch to the delivery room, where a rabbit witnesses his wife repeatedly give birth.
Dr. Payne 	Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Rabbit, you are the proud father of a baby boy! (tosses it) And a baby girl. (tosses it) And a baby boy. (tosses it) And a girl. (tosses it) Look at them.
 	Meanwhile, Dr. Fozzie leads a visitor down the hall and into a room.
Fozzie 	Mrs. Dog, your husband survived the operation. Unfortunately, we had to remove his nose.
Mr. Dog 	My nose??
Mrs. Dog 	He has no nose. Then how does he smell?
Fozzie 	(honks horn) Terrible! Aah, wocka wocka! (runs off)
Mrs. Dog 	That's what I get for going to an HMO.
 	Fozzie gives one more honk. Back to the delivery room.
Dr. Payne 	And a girl. (tosses it) And a boy. (tosses it) Here's another girl. (tosses it) That's sweet - a boy. (tosses it) Oh — and one we can't tell.
 	He pulls up Bobo. Mr. Rabbit gasps.
Bobo 	Hi, Dad.
 	Mr. Rabbit faints. The baby rabbits bawl and so does Bobo.
Dr. Payne 	And a girl. (tosses it) And a boy. (tosses it)
 	A nurse runs into a closed door over the announcement.
A. Ligator	Well, there's a minute of your life you can't have back, because you were watching E-I-E-I-O.R. Tune in next time, when you'll hear Dr. Fozzie say …
Fozzie 	Nurse! This patient should only pay 1/4 of his bill.
Andy 	Why's that, doctor?
Fozzie 	'Cause he's a quarter horse!
 	He honks his horn. The horse laughs.
Fozzie 	Aaahh.
==Backstage==
 	Johnny and Sal get off the elevator, followed by Mama Fiama carrying a pot.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama's just arrived! Make way for the one and only Johnny Fiama! (to a little boy) Hey, outta the way, you!
Johnny 	Alright, watch your step there, Ma. (she almost trips) Ooh — be careful, huh.
Bean Bunny 	Hello, sir. I am selling chocolates so that my school can buy new books.
Sal 	Hey hey hey hey hey! Over my dead body Johnny Fiama buys one of them chocolates! Now get outta here, ya punk!
 	He drop-kicks Bean out the window. Sal leads them through the control room.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama, comin' through!
Johnny 	Hey, hey, Sal, what'd you drop-kick him for? He's just a kid selling chocolates.
Sal 	Yeah, right, Johnny, and I'm a monkey.
 	Pause. Johnny raises an eyebrow.
Sal 	Okay, Johnny Fiama, comin' through!
Johnny 	Come on, Ma. How's your bad arm, alright?
Nigel 	Can I please have quiet, everyone?? Cue the Ed Grimley sketch.
Whatnot (FO)	Quiet!
Nigel 	Would you get outta here?! (the Whatnot runs off)
==Ed Grimley==
Clifford 	Muppets Tonight is proud to present, The Misadventures of Ed Grimley!
 	Switch to Ed in his apartment. The doorbell rings.
Ed Grimley 	Ah. The doorbell. What fun. Gee, I love the ring of a doorbell. Isn't it exciting? 'Cause you never know who's gonna be there. Could it be a murderer? Or perhaps il postino himself. Let's find out, shall we?
 	He answers the door. A postal worker hands him a letter.
Postal worker	Telegram for Mr. Ed Grimley.
Ed Grimley 	Oh, that's me, Lofty. Off you go. (closes the door) "Dear Edward, Your great uncle Balford, from Canada, has departed his eternal reward, leaving you the sum of $85 I must say, Canadian, no less. P.S. You won't get one red cent unless you have been married by 6 PM." 6 PM?? Oh, give me a break, it's five to 6 now! And I'm as single as single can be, y'know.
 	The doorbell rings.
Ed Grimley 	What to do? Oh, the doorbell. Gee, I love the ring of a doorbell. There's always — oh, I've covered that.
 	He opens the door. Romantic music plays. Miss Piggy appears, leaning against the door.
Miss Piggy 	Hello. I am a young, swinging bachelorette, who just moved in upstairs.
Ed Grimley 	Talk about luck.
Miss Piggy 	It is — (screams when she sees Ed) Hooh! What happened to you? I hope you wrote down the license plate.
Ed Grimley 	Ah, a sense of humor. That's — that's very good. Good on ya.
Miss Piggy 	I came to borrow a hammer. (enters)
Ed Grimley 	Oh, a hammer. Oh, well, listen, I have lots of hammers. ♪ If I had a hammer… (laughs) That's fun. Well, you just stay there, and I'll get you your hammer. (to self) One minute to 6! I gotta work quick, I must say.
 	He goes into another room.
Miss Piggy 	Well, there's one more reason to stay single.
 	He re-emerges in a dinner jacket, holing a trumpet. Bossa nova music plays.
Ed Grimley 	♪ Oh, lovely lady — lovely, lovely Piggy lady …
 	He plays the trumpet off-key, then faints.
Miss Piggy 	Alright, that does it! I'm outta here! (runs to the door)
Ed Grimley 	(gets up) One quick question before your hasty exit, lovely lady —
Miss Piggy 	What?
Ed Grimley 	Would you marry me?
Miss Piggy 	Marry you?? Are you nuts? I didn't even get the hammer! (slams the door)
Ed Grimley 	(removes jacket) Oh, that seems sad. Now I guess I don't inherit Uncle Balford's fortune.
 	Piggy re-emerges in a wedding dress.
Miss Piggy 	Did you something about … fortune?
Ed Grimley 	Only if I marry before 6.
Miss Piggy 	Well, let's get this show on the road! Where's the preacher?
Ed Grimley 	Well — fortunately, my goldfish, Moby, is a sea captain, and can perform the ceremony.
 	They walk over to his fish tank.
Moby 	Do you take him?
Miss Piggy 	Um, I do!
Moby 	Do you take her?
Ed Grimley 	Surely.
Moby 	You're married.
Miss Piggy 	Alriiiiight! Now, how much is that fortune you've inherited, husband dearest?
Ed Grimley 	Well, my little wifelet, how does $85 grab you?
Miss Piggy 	What?? I've got more than that on me! Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him.
Ed Grimley 	Ouch!
Miss Piggy 	(to Moby) Alright, now how long will it take to get this thing annulled?
Moby 	Twenty minutes.
Miss Piggy 	Twenty minutes?? Why so long?
Moby 	Let's see you try to write underwater.
Miss Piggy 	What am I supposed to do for twenty minutes here?
Ed Grimley 	Well, lovely one, might I entice you with some tuna casserole and some dancing?
Miss Piggy 	… You can dance?
Ed Grimley 	… Can I dance? One moment please.
Miss Piggy 	Wha — whe —
 	He turns on the record player. Klezmer music plays as he starts to dance.
Miss Piggy 	Awww, why'd I ask? (leaves)
 	Clifford and Rizzo watch the show on a monitor.
Clifford 	Whoa. Ed Grimley sure is, uh, how do I say this, uh, he's unusual, he's, uh, different, he's uh …
Rizzo 	Nuttier than a fruitcake.
Clifford 	Yeah, that's it!
==Johnny and the heckler==
 	Sal takes the stage.
Sal 	Alright, listen up! Youse better clap a lot, for the one, the only, Mr. Johnny Fiama!
 	Applause as Johnny comes out.
Johnny 	Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. I'd like to do a little something that I think we all could use a little more of. Two three!
 	He sings "What the World Needs Now is Love" with a jazzy twist.
Heckler (DG)	Hey, how about singing in the right tempo for once?
Sal 	Who said that??
Johnny 	Who is that?
Sal 	Don't worry, Johnny, I got him! Come here, you creep!! (runs towards the audience)
Johnny 	What — smarty pants! Bring him up here, Sal.
Sal 	Yeah, here he is, here he is. Here's the guy.
 	Sal brings a nervous Beaker onstage.
Sal 	Yeah, this is the guy, this is him.
Beaker 	(meeping cowardly)
Johnny 	Hey, now wait, this don't sound like him.
Sal 	Yeah, yeah it is, yeah it is! He's just pretending! Come on, talk, you!
 	Beaker lowers his head into his coat.
Johnny 	Alright, alright. Look, look, look, look. I don't know if you're the right one or not. But when I'm singing, you don't talk. (Beaker shakes his head) You understand? (Beaker nods) Alright, get outta here, get him outta here.
Sal 	Go on, go on. Yeah, yeah.
 	Beaker exits.
Johnny 	Go ahead. Sorry, folks, let's pick this up.
 	He resumes the song. Sal continues chasing Beaker behind him.
Sal 	Hey, where're you going? You come back here!
Johnny 	Alright, hold it, stop it back there. Fellas? (music stops) You know what, folks? Eh, the thrill of this tune is gone, and I don't even feel like singing anymore. Listen, uh, you've been a great audience, goodnight everybody!
 	Applause. Johnny walks up to Mama.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama's finished singing! You all have been a great audience!
Johnny 	Ho ho, well, I'm exhausted. Alright, let's go heat up the sauce, Ma.
Sal 	(leads them) Johnny Fiama, comin' through! Mama's gonna heat up her sauce!
Johnny 	Come on…
Mama Fiama 	Gonna heat up-a the sauce!
==Swift Wits==
Snookie 	Heyyyyy, hello again and welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV. I'm your host, Snookie Blyer, and it's time for the championship round. Unfortunately, we have no champions, because none of the chuckleheads who've appeared on their show has ever gotten a correct answer. So! Today, I'm going to be the contestant, and Mr. Chester Tomwater from the audience will give me the clues.
 	Chester walks up to the podium.
Snookie 	And I'll be playing for Magda, an adorable mole.
 	A window opens to reveal Magda.
Snookie 	In the unlikely event that I don't get the answer, Magda will be eaten by Carl the Big Mean Bunny …
 	A window opens to reveal Carl.
Snookie 	… but if I win, and I will, then I don't have to host this stupid show anymore. Now, let's give the audience today's answer, which I will not hear.
Announcer	The answer is "artichoke".
Snookie 	Okay! Chester? We have ten seconds. Give me the clues.
 	The clock starts ticking. Chester does nothing.
Snookie 	Chester? Anytime now, Chester. … Give me the clue, Chester! We're running out of time here. Chester? Give me the clue! Whaddya — what are you waiting for there? It's my big chance to get off the show! Wha — you're ruining me!
 	The buzzer sounds.
Snookie 	Chester — Chester, you idiot! Why didn't you give me the clues??
Lester 	'Cause my name's not Chester. It's Lester. Shoot, I'd never answer to the name "Chester". That's a girl's name, son.
Snookie 	Ohh, I give up! Eat the mole!
 	Carl devours the mole. The window closes on his hands.
Carl 	Thank you. OW! Ow, ow …
 	Applause.
==Lobby==
 	Martin enters the elevator and does some leg stretches on the hand rail.
Martin 	Hi, Seymour! Hi, Pepe!
Seymour 	Oh, oh — hey, Mr. Short.
Pepe 	Hey, how's it going, okay?
Martin 	Oh, it's going fine. Yeah. I'm a— I'm a little bit nervous about the big Fred Astaire number at the end of the show. You know, I'm not really a dancer. If you could just take me to the rehearsal room?
Seymour 	No problem.
Pepe 	Certainly, sir.
Seymour 	Rehearsal hall, that'll be on, uh, two. (pulls lever)
Pepe 	No no no no no. Dance rehearsal's on seven.
 	He pulls the lever in the opposite direction, causing Martin to fall.
Seymour 	No — the parquet floor's being waxed today. It's on two!
 	He pulls the lever, causing Martin to sail up to the ceiling.
Pepe 	No - the wax machine is broken! Seven!
 	He pushes Seymour and the lever, causing Martin to fall back down.
Seymour 	Well — they got a new machine! Two! (pulls it, Martin sails up)
Pepe 	I'm telling you, it's seven!
Seymour 	No! Two!
 	They play a tug-of-war with the lever, causing Martin to bounce up and down. Moments later, Clifford and Rizzo enter.
Clifford	Hey, have you guys seen Martin Short? (he and Rizzo gasp) Great day in the mornin'!
 	Martin has shrunk to midget size.
Martin 	Does anyone have a glass of water? A little teeny one?
Rizzo 	Wow! Now he's Martin Extremely-Short! (laughs)
 	Clifford shakes his head.
==At the Bar==
 	Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster 	♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy, come on, baby, let — Oh! Hi, Mr. Callahan! How ya doin'? The usual? No? Well, let me give you something a little different. (slides him a drink) I call this my Ice-blended Jojo. There ya go. Heh heh. You're gonna love it. (laughs)
 	Mr. C drinks, then spits it out.
Polly Lobster 	Uh, or maybe not. Heh. What's that? Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back, I'll call him. Clueless!
Clueless Morgan	Yeah, Polly, what is it? (notices applause) Oh, oh — heh heh heh! Thank you. Hi, Mr. Ca — (reacts, then stares) … Leather. I like it. (laughs)
Polly Lobster 	Hey Clueless.
Clueless Morgan	Yes?
Polly Lobster 	I hear you went into the manufacturing business.
Clueless Morgan	Yes, that's right.
Polly Lobster 	You must've made a mint.
Clueless Morgan	Well, no, actually it was shoelaces. And they weren't mint, they were peanut butter.
Polly Lobster 	Peanut butter shoelaces? Who would buy peanut butter shoelaces?
Clueless Morgan	Well, the same people who buy jelly socks.
Polly Lobster 	I'm supposed to laugh at that?
Clueless Morgan	You might.
Polly Lobster 	Sing!
Clueless Morgan	Alrighty.
 	Cue the piano. Clueless and Polly sing "Oh Mein Papa", until a 3000-pound weight is dropped on Clueless's head.
Polly Lobster 	(laughs) That was a real hit! (laughs)
Clueless Morgan	Am I supposed to laugh at that?
 	Polly laughs. A 5000-pound weight is dropped on him.
==Flippers==
 	Applause as Clifford stands onstage.
Clifford 	Hey! Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Martin Short is a little under the weather …
Rizzo 	Under the weather? It's more like he's under the couch! (laughs out loud, notices Clifford's expression, then scats)
Clifford 	Any hue, let's take a look at a TV show Marty made in 1963, when he was just a child actor. A show that co-starred Kermit the Frog. Let's watch. Shall we?
 	The monitor is lowered; a clip plays on it. Kermit swims in the ocean, while Martin sits on the dock and rings a bell.
Announcer	It's time for Flippers, starring Kermit the Frog! And introducing little Marty Short as little Sandy Johnson. Tonight's episode: "There's a Family Boat Mishap … on the Rocks".
 	Kermit emerges at the dock.
Kermit 	Ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit, ribbit!
Marty 	Something's wrong? What is it, boy?
Kermit 	A small dinghy crashed on the rocks on the north end of the island!
Marty 	Bud! Bud! Come quickly! I think Flippers is trying to tell us something!
Bud 	Really? What is it?
Marty 	I don't know! But Flippers seems pretty upset.
Kermit 	I'm awfully upset because you're not listening to me!
Marty 	Bud, maybe he wants some fish!
Kermit 	Oh, no thanks, guys — (displays a lunchbox) — I brought my own lunch.
 	Marty throws fish at him.
Marty 	Eat up, Flippers! It'll help you grow up to be a big strong dolphin!
Kermit 	I'm not a dolphin! I'm a frog!
Bud Sr. 	Hey boys, I just heard on the radio there's trouble! A boat on the north shore, some sorta family mishap on the rocks.
Kermit 	(nods) That's what I've been trying to tell these two!
Bud Sr. 	What's that, Flippers? You want more fish?
Kermit 	No, no, no, no!
Marty 	Hey! I got an idea! And Flippers can help! Flippers, this is what you do. There's a boat at the south bay marina. I want you to take a bus to the boat, untie it, and start that engine. And don't forget to prime the pump. Hey — wait a minute! I got a better idea! Rent a plane, fly to the island, and find those people!
Kermit 	But I already know where they are!
Marty 	No, no, you've had enough fish! Go, boy! Save those people!
Kermit 	Good grief. (dives off)
==Backstage==
 	Clifford and Rizzo walk by the guest star's dressing room, hearing voices and stretching noises from inside.
Clifford	Naw, Rizzo, it isn't —
Rizzo 	That's not what I mean —
Martin 	Hey! Hiyou! Hi—
Clifford	Aw, man, why do bad things happen to good guest stars?
Rizzo 	Hey, hey, don't worry, chief. You know, Bobo said he was going to get Martin Short back to his normal size.
Clifford	Yeah, Bobo also said he'd fix the toaster to work on nuclear power.
 	Gonzo walks by, holding two green, glowing pieces of toast and sporting a third eye.
Gonzo 	Hey, this toast is delicious! And it glows in the dark. (leaves)
 	A pop and a scream is heard. Bobo comes out of the room holding a plunger.
Bobo 	(grunts) Alrighty. Have a good day, sir. Ahh. (closes door) Well, the old plunger on the head trick works every time.
Clifford	So Marty's back to normal?
Bobo 	Hey. See for yourself. (leaves)
 	Clifford and Rizzo enter the room, and are shocked when they see Martin at normal size, dancing with a towel on his head and holding a pillow.
Martin 	DANCE AROUND, BOY, I'M A DANCER, DANCE WITH ME, DANCE WITH ME, DANCE WITH ME, AHHHH … I'M A DANCER!
Clifford	Well, that's normal. For Marty.
Rizzo 	(laughs)
Clifford	Come on, Riz, we got a show to do.
Rizzo 	Right. (they leave)
Martin 	(looking in the mirror) And it's all about now, Mr. Martin Short. Your big dance number! … (misty-eyed) … When I think of all those grueling years of training, dancing, waxing your body… and no one cared … WELL, THEY'RE GONNA CARE TONIGHT, BABY! (a knock on the door) I SAID NO DISTURBANCES!
 	Sal and Johnny and Mama walk in.
Sal 	Johnny Fiama, comin' through! Johnny Fiama, comin' into Martin Short's dressing room!
Johnny 	Oh, hello, Marty. May — may I call you Marty?
Martin 	Sure, Johnny.
Johnny 	Terrific. I'd like you to meet my ma. She's a very big fan of yours, ever since you did that, uh, Apocalypse Now.
Mama 	Come, come.
Martin 	Yes?
 	Martin bends down to her. She pinches his face.
Mama 	"Saigon … still in Saigon …"
Johnny 	Haha, that's right, Ma.
Martin 	(laughing) Johnny — can I talk to you for one minute?
Johnny 	Yeah, what is it, Marty?
Martin 	(sotto voice) It's not me, it's Martin Sheen she's thinking of.
Johnny 	Oh, really?
Martin 	Yes!
Johnny 	Well, look, uh, don't say nothin', huh? It'll break her heart. She just got the videodisc.
Martin 	Well, listen, I would love to talk, but you know, I have pancake makeup on, and if I don't powder it —
Johnny 	Well, look, Marty, uh, my Ma made you a special sauce. She wants you should eat. Go ahead, huh?
Martin 	I'm sorry, I really don't have the time, you see—
Johnny 	Yeah, yeah, well, look, uh, Marty, uh …
Martin 	(leans in) Mm-hmm?
Johnny 	When Mama says you eat … you eat. You hear?
Martin 	I think a rain check.
Sal 	HEY YOU! When Johnny says "When Mama says you eat, you eat, you hear," YOU EAT! YOU HEAR?
Martin 	I HEAR! I EAT!
 	He eats spaghetti from the pot, and immediately becomes addicted.
Sal 	Hey, hey, Johnny, he likes it!
Johnny 	Oh, yeah? Hey, Ma, he likes it.
==The Eagle's Nest==
 	Open on Sam, Andy and Randy sitting at a desk against a stars-and-stripes backdrop. The pigs head-butt each other and giggle.
Sam the Eagle	Good day. It is time …
 	He looks at the pigs and they stop.
Sam the Eagle	Ahem. It is time now for politics and punditry from The Eagle's Nest. Unfortunately, my only guests tonight are Messrs. Andy and Randy Pig.
Andy & Randy 	Messer messer messer messer messer messer messer messer messer …
Sam the Eagle	(facepalms, groans) What happened to Bob Novak?
Producer (JN)	He's sick.
Sam the Eagle	I know that! Why isn't he here?
 	The producer motions for Sam to continue.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! Uh, eh, anyway, today's topic is, the international peace accord signed this week in Geneva. Will the peace accord hold, Andy Pig?
Randy 	Let's see, um…
 	Randy ties a string around Andy.
Sam the Eagle	What are you doing?
Randy 	Oh, I'm seeing if the peace of cord will hold Mr. Andy Pig, like you said. (Andy nods)
Sam the Eagle	That's not what I meant!
Randy 	Hey! Why don't we see if a piece of cord will hold Mr. Birdy? Come on —
Andy 	Yeah!
 	The pigs start tying up Sam.
Andy & Randy 	Yo yo yo yo yo …
Sam the Eagle	Wha — ?! No, no — what are you doing? What — no, wait! Stop! I'm an — I'm an endangered species! … Oh, great mother of mercy.
Andy 	Hey, Mr. Birdy, what's the next topic?
Sam the Eagle	(sigh) It was arms control.
Andy 	Oh, good — 'cause I can't control my arms!
 	The pigs wave their arms around.
Randy 	My arms are out of control too!
Andy 	Hey, can next week's topic be head control?
Randy 	Oh, yeah —
 	The pigs bob their heads around and babble.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, why didn't I take the bowling show they offered me? (groans)
==Backstage==
 	We pan across several empty jars which once had Mama's sauce. Rizzo enters and has himself a taste. Sal exits the room with another empty jar.
Rizzo 	Hey, hey, what the heck is going on in there?
Sal 	Well, Marty's still eatin' Mama's sauce. What's it to you, rat?
Rizzo 	Hah! Don't talk tough to me, monkey.
Sal 	Oh yeah?
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Sal 	Oh yeah?
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Sal 	OH YEAH?
Rizzo 	YEAH!
 	They start fighting. Meanwhile in the control room …
Nigel 	We're almost ready for the final number, Clifford. WHERE'S MARTIN SHORT???
Clifford 	Aw, Nigel, cool down. Rizzo went to check on him.
Nigel 	Well, where's Rizzo?
 	Rizzo emerges, stuck in a sauce jar.
Rizzo 	In here.
Clifford 	I'll straighten this out. Uh, cue — cue the two-headed comic.
Nigel 	— The two-headed comic? Where did he come from?
Rizzo 	Oh, we found him standing next to the nuclear-powered toaster.
 	Nigel and a stagehand scream and run amok. Meanwhile, the two-headed comic takes the stage.
Right head	Thank you.
Left head 	Thank you.
Right head	You're very kind.
Left head 	Say, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Right head	That was no lady, that was YOU!
Left head 	Oh. Sorry. Here, have some toast.
 	Meanwhile, Clifford and Rizzo knock on Martin's door.
Clifford 	Yo, Martin. We need you out on stage. You're on in five —
 	Martin opens the door, looking chubbier than usual.
Rizzo 	(gasp)
Clifford 	… hundred pounds??
Rizzo 	Wow! Now he's Martin Short AND fat!
Clifford 	Aw, man, what are we gonna do now?
Martin 	Don't worry, Clifford. I promised you a dance number, and a dance number I shall perform. (walks out)
Clifford 	(sniffs) Hey. What smells so good? (walks into the room)
=="Stepping Out With My Baby"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, here he is, the all-singing, all-dancing Mr. Martin Short! YAAAAYY!
 	Martin comes out and sings "Stepping Out With My Baby", while noticing his outfit tearing. Nigel watches from the control room.
Nigel 	Oh, good grief. Does he look a tad heavier to you?
Rizzo 	Define "tad".
Nigel 	Well, about two tons!
Rizzo 	Then yes, I'd say he looks a tad heavier. Uh-oh!
 	While continuing the song, Martin sits in a chair which collapses.
Nigel 	Number two, you're not getting all of him in shot. Pull back. Pull back, pull back!!
Rizzo 	Hello? Hello, pull back! Pull back!
 	The cameraman backs all the way into the control room, crashing into a wall.
Rizzo 	Come on, come on, come on … OOF!
Nigel 	Okay, that's far enough. Haha. Haha. Haha.
Rizzo 	I'll get a mop. Yeah.
 	Onstage, Martin continues the song, destroying a table. The curtains open to reveal two rows of singing penguins. Miss Piggy tap-dances towards Martin as they sing. Martin takes a hit from an oxygen tank, then quickly resumes the dance. Martin and Piggy sing, then Martin spins Piggy around until she crashes into the wall. Nigel and Rizzo watch at a window.
Nigel 	Next to him, even Miss Piggy seems thin.
Rizzo 	Ha! Come off it, he's not that big.
Nigel 	(laughs)
 	Piggy climbs up to the window, scaring them away.
Miss Piggy	I heard that! (falls back)
 	Martin finishes the song at the top of the staircase, then falls over.
Martin 	Mama!
 	The penguins quack. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Rizzo 	Well. Now he's Martin Short-and-lying-motionless-in-the-basement.
Nigel 	Oh well, that's okay, everything's under control.
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Nigel 	All we need is for Clifford to come out and say his goodnights.
Rizzo 	Hmm. (nods)
Bobo 	Well, we can't find Clifford.
Nigel 	WHAT?? Somebody find him! Somebody get him out here right NOW! Somebody find him!
 	They hear a large rumbling noise.
Rizzo 	Wow — there he is! Oh my gosh!
 	An obese Clifford walks onstage slowly and loudly.
Clifford	Well, that's our show. How about a big round of applause for our big, round guest star, Mr. Martin Short!
 	Martin comes out to applause.
Clifford	Give it up.
Martin 	Thanks.
Clifford	Yo, Marty, Marty, it was great having you on the show.
Martin 	Oh, thanks, Clifford! I felt like I grew as an entertainer.
Clifford	You look like you've grown in a land mass. (laughs)
Martin 	Don't start with me, you! (laughs) Uh-oh … floor creaking … not good …
Clifford	Then say goodnight.
Martin 	Goodnight.
 	They both fall through the floor. Other Muppets soon follow.
Kermit 	Goodnight, everybody — WHOA! (falls)
Rizzo 	Hey, what's going on out here? There's a — (falls)
Johnny 	What is this, a hole over here? (falls)
 	Piggy and Mama Fiama fall through the hole as well.
Sal 	Hey, Johnny, who put this hole — (falls)
==Epilogue==
 	At the nursing home …
Statler 	That was quite a program. I would've only changed one thing.
Waldorf 	What's that?
Statler 	The channel.
 	They chuckle. Irving Cohen (Martin) sits next to them, laughing and coughing.
Irving Cohen	Gentlemen … you know what the problem is these days?
Statler 	They put this show back on the air?
Irving Cohen	No, it's the fact that the kids don't have a chance to fail. In the old days … we had a little thing … that you used to call vaudeville. And, if you couldn't spin a plate, you didn't eat. Which is what I told the great Sophie Tucker, in a song I wrote for her… for the Broadway show entitled "Wigwam Serenade". Give me a C! A bouncy C!
 	Uptempo piano starts playing.
Irving Cohen	
Sophie Tucker, was quite a girl,
A red-hot mama who could make a plate twirl.
The kids today, they don't have a clue,
With those Nine Inch Nails and the band U2 —
My scrambled eggs were runny today,
… dot dot dot, deet diet and whatever the heck else you wanna put in there.
 	Statler and Waldorf have fallen asleep.
Irving Cohen	Good idea. I think I'll join you. (nods off)
 	The credits roll, featuring outtakes of Johnny and Sal and Ma, and the cold open.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts