Transcripts/Pilot

==Season 1 - Episode 01 - Pilot==
Scene 	A corridor at a sperm bank. 
Sheldon 	So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved it will, however, if it's observed after it's left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard 	Agreed, what's your point?
Sheldon 	There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a tee-shirt.
Leonard 	Excuse me?
Receptionist 	Hang on.
Leonard 	One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is... move your finger... phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti.
Receptionist 	Can I help you?
Leonard 	Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist 	If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.
Sheldon 	I think this is the place.
Receptionist 	Fill these out.
Leonard 	Thank-you. We'll be right back.
Receptionist 	Oh, take your time. I'll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh, wait.
 	(They sit and begin to fill in forms).
Sheldon 	Leonard, I don't think I can do this.
Leonard 	What, are you kidding? You're a semi-pro.
Sheldon 	No. We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Leonard 	Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.
Sheldon 	I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there's some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve.
Leonard 	I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon 	I wouldn't.
Leonard 	Well, what do you want to do?
Sheldon 	I want to leave.
Leonard 	Okay.
Sheldon 	What's the protocol for leaving?
Leonard 	I don't know, I’ve never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.
Sheldon 	Let's try just walking out.
Leonard 	Okay.
Receptionist 	Bye.
Sheldon 	Bye-bye
Leonard 	See you.
Scene 	The stairs of the apartment building.
Sheldon 	Are you still mad about the sperm bank?
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard 	Not really.
Sheldon 	If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.
Leonard 	I don't care. Two millimetres? That doesn't seem right.
Sheldon 	No, it's true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.
Leonard 	Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon 	No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard 	New neighbor?
Sheldon 	Evidently.
Leonard 	Significant improvement over the old neighbor.
Sheldon 	Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Penny 	Oh, hi!
Leonard 	Hi.
Sheldon 	Hi.
Leonard 	Hi.
Sheldon 	Hi.
Penny 	Hi?
Leonard 	We don't mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny 	Oh, that's nice.
Leonard 	Oh... uh... no... we don't live together... um... we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Penny 	Oh, okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbor, Penny.
Leonard 	Leonard, Sheldon.
Penny 	Hi.
Leonard 	Hi.
Sheldon 	Hi.
Penny 	Hi.
Leonard 	Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.
Penny 	Thank you, maybe we can have coffee sometime.
Leonard 	Oh, great.
Penny 	Great.
Sheldon 	Great.
Leonard 	Great. Well, bye.
Penny 	Bye.
Sheldon 	Bye.
Leonard 	Bye.
Leonard 	Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon 	No. We’re going to start Season Two of "Battlestar Galactica".
Leonard 	We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon 	Not with commentary.
Leonard 	I think we should be good neighbors, invite her over, make her feel welcome.
Sheldon 	We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard 	Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon 	I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on Myspace.
Leonard 	Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon 	That's the beauty of it.
Leonard 	I'm going to invite her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon 	Chat? We don't chat. At least not offline.
Leonard 	Well it's not difficult, you just listen to what she says, and then you say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon 	To what end?
Leonard 	Hi. Again.
Penny 	Hi.
Sheldon 	Hi.
Leonard 	Hi.
Penny 	Hi.
Leonard 	Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon 	Leonard, I'm not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny 	Oh, you're inviting me over to eat?
Leonard 	Uh, yes.
Penny 	Oh, that's so nice, I'd love to.
Leonard 	Great.
Penny 	So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon 	Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Leonard 	Okay, well, make yourself at home.
Penny 	Okay, thank you.
Leonard 	You're very welcome.
Penny 	This looks like some serious stuff, Leonard, did you do this?
Sheldon 	Actually that's my work.
Penny 	Wow.
Sheldon 	Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke, it's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny 	So you're like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.
Sheldon 	Yeah.
Penny 	This is really impressive.
Leonard 	I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny 	Holy smokes.
Sheldon 	If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below “here I sit broken hearted?”
Leonard 	At least I didn't have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon 	I didn't invent them, they're there.
Leonard 	In what universe?
Sheldon 	In all of them, that is the point.
Penny 	Uh, do you guys mind if I start?
Sheldon 	Um, Penny... that's where I sit.
Penny 	So, sit next to me.
Sheldon 	... No, I sit there.
Penny 	What's the difference?
Sheldon 	"What’s the difference"?
Leonard 	Here we go.
Sheldon 	In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.
Penny 	Do you want me to move?
Sheldon 	Well-
Leonard 	Just sit somewhere else.
Sheldon 	Fine. (Wanders in circles, looking lost.)
Leonard 	Sheldon, sit!
Sheldon 	Aaah!
Leonard 	Well, this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over.
Sheldon 	That's not true. Koothrapali and Wolowitz come over all the time.
Leonard 	Yes, I know, but...
Sheldon 	Tuesday night we played Klingon boggle until one in the morning.
Leonard 	Yes, I remember.
Sheldon 	I resent you saying we don't have company.
Leonard 	I'm sorry.
Sheldon 	That is an antisocial implication.
Leonard 	I said I'm sorry.
Penny 	So, Klingon boggle?
Leonard 	Yeah, it's like regular boggle, but in Klingon. That's probably enough about us, tell us about you.
Penny 	Um, me, okay, I'm Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon 	Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.
Penny 	Participate in the what?
Leonard 	I think what Sheldon's trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny 	Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign. Okay, let's see, what else, oh, I'm a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.
Sheldon 	That's interesting. Leonard can't process corn.
Leonard 	Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?
Penny 	Oh, yeah, I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard 	Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.
Sheldon 	You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard 	I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.
Penny 	Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard 	So it's based on your life?
Penny 	No, I'm from Omaha.
Leonard 	Well, if that was a movie I would go see it.
Penny 	I know, right? Okay, let's see, what else? Um, that's about it. That's the story of Penny.
Leonard 	Well it sounds wonderful.
Penny 	It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.
Sheldon  	(Mouths) What's happening.
Leonard  	(Mouths back) I don't know.
Penny 	Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that's like as long as High School.
Sheldon 	It took you four years to get through High School?
Leonard 	Don't.
Penny 	I just, I can't believe I trusted him.
Leonard 	Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.
Sheldon 	You? No, you'll only make it worse.
Penny 	You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?
Sheldon 	Yes.
Leonard 	No, it's not crazy it's, uh, uh, it's a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn't make it worse.
Penny 	Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess, and on top of everything else I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard 	Our shower works.
Penny 	Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon 	Yes.
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	No?
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	No.
Leonard 	It's right down the hall.
Penny 	Thanks. You guys are really sweet.
Sheldon 	Well this is an interesting development.
Leonard 	How so?
Sheldon 	It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
Leonard 	That's not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode.
Sheldon 	Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn't want to rip our eyes out.
Leonard 	The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Sheldon 	So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?
Leonard 	Excuse me?
Sheldon 	That woman in there's not going to have sex with you.
Leonard 	Well I'm not trying to have sex with her.
Sheldon 	Oh, good. Then you won't be disappointed.
Leonard 	What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me, I'm a male and she's a female?
Sheldon 	Yes, but not of the same species.
Leonard 	I'm not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.
Sheldon 	Oh, of course.
Leonard 	That's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn't participate. However briefly.
Sheldon 	Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard 	It's Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke Skywalker's the conditioner.
Howard 	Wait till you see this.
Raj 	It's fantastic. Unbelievable.
Leonard 	See what?
Howard 	It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard 	This is not a good time.
Howard 	It's before he became a creepy computer voice
Leonard 	That's great, you guys have to go.
Raj 	Why?
Leonard 	It's just not a good time.
Sheldon 	Leonard has a lady over.
Howard 	Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?
Leonard 	No. And she's not a lady, she's just a new neighbor.
Howard 	Hang on, there really is a lady here?
Leonard 	Uh-huh.
Howard 	And you want us out because you're anticipating coitus?
Leonard 	I'm not anticipating coitus.
Howard 	So she's available for coitus?
Leonard 	Can we please stop saying coitus?
Sheldon 	Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Penny 	Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower? Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!
Howard 	Enchante, Madamoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.
Penny 	Penny. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard 	Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower.
Howard 	Bonne douche.
Penny 	I'm sorry?
Howard 	It's French for good shower. It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard 	Save it for your blog, Howard.
Howard 	See-ka-tong-guay-jow.
Scene 	In the bathroom.
Leonard 	Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I'm sorry.
Penny 	Okay. Thanks.
Leonard 	You're welcome, oh, you're going to step right, okay, I'll....
Penny 	Hey, Leonard?
Leonard 	The hair products are Sheldon's.
Penny 	Um, okay. Can I ask you a favor?
Leonard 	A favor? Sure, you can ask me a favor, I would do you a favor for you.
Penny 	It's okay if you say no.
Leonard 	Oh, I'll probably say yes.
Penny 	It's just not the kind of thing you ask a guy you've just met.
Leonard 	Wow.
Scene 	Leonard and Sheldon, Inside Leonard’s car
Sheldon 	I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard 	Must we?
Sheldon 	Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard 	She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
Leonard 	Which is?
Sheldon 	You think with your penis.
Leonard 	That's a biological impossibility and you didn't have to come.
Sheldon 	Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can't she get her own TV.
Leonard 	Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon 	No, I don't. And neither do you.
Leonard 	Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon 	You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard 	To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
Sheldon 	So we get to have a scene with him?
Leonard 	No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene. There's two of us and one of him.
Sheldon 	Leonard, the two of us can't even carry a TV.
Scene 	Back at the apartment.
Penny  	(To Raj) So, you guys work with Leonard and Sheldon at the University?
 	(Raj looks at her, looks back at his food, takes a mouthful).
Penny 	Uh, I'm sorry, do you speak English?
Howard 	Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women.
Penny 	Really, why?
Howard 	He's kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Scene 	Outside Penny’s old apartment building.
Leonard  	(Pushes buzzer) I'll do the talking.
Voice from buzzer	Yeah.
Leonard 	Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Hello.
Leonard 	What did I just.... Uh, we’re here to pick up Penny's TV.
Voice 	Get lost.
Sheldon 	Okay, thanks for your time.
Leonard 	We’re not going to give up just like that.
Sheldon 	Leonard, the TV is in the building, we’ve been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
Leonard 	Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.
Sheldon 	My apologies. What's your plan.
 	(Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.)
Sheldon 	It's just a privilege to watch your mind at work.
Leonard 	Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
 	(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)
Sheldon 	What do you think their combined IQ is?
Leonard 	Just grab the door.
Scene 	Outside Penny’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment.
Leonard 	This is it. (Knocks.) I'll do the talking.
Sheldon 	Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.
Kurt 	Yeah?
Leonard 	I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.
Sheldon 	From the intercom.
Kurt 	How the hell did you get in the building?
Leonard 	Oh. We’re scientists.
Sheldon 	Tell him about our IQ.
Scene 	Outside the apartment building. Leonard and Sheldon exit. They are not wearing trousers.
Sheldon 	Leonard.
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard 	I'm sorry.
Sheldon 	You're going to have to call her.
Scene 	On the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard’s building.
Leonard 	Sheldon, I'm so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon 	It's okay. It wasn't my first pantsing, and it won't be my last.
Leonard 	And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.
Sheldon 	Well you got me out of my pants.
Leonard 	Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson. She's out of my league, I'm done with her, I’ve got my work, one day I'll win the Nobel Prize and then I'll die alone.
Sheldon 	Don't think like that, you're not going to die alone.
Leonard 	Thank you Sheldon, you're a good friend.
Sheldon 	And you're certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.
Scene 	Inside Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment.
Howard 	This is one of my favorite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great house ale.
Penny 	Wow, cool tiger.
Howard 	Yeah, I’ve had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.
Penny 	Uh, sounds interesting.
Howard 	So you'll think about it?
Penny 	Oh, I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it.
Raj 	Smooth.
Leonard 	We’re home.
Penny 	Oh, my God, what happened?
Leonard 	Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.
Penny 	I'm so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn't be such an ass.
Leonard 	No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon 	That was a valid hypothesis? What is happening to you?
Penny 	Really, thank you so much for going and trying you're, uh, you're so terrific. Why don't you put some clothes on, I'll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?
Leonard 	Really? Great.
Sheldon 	Thank you. You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard 	Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon 	Not to mention imaginary.
Scene 	All five in Leonard’s car.
Leonard 	Is Thai food okay with you Penny?
Penny 	Sure.
Sheldon 	We can't have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.
Penny 	So?
Sheldon 	They're both curry based cuisines.
Penny 	So?
Sheldon 	They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we’re going to have to spell out everything for this girl.
Penny 	Any ideas Raj? (He just looks at her with a worried expression.)
Howard 	Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.
Penny 	That sounds like fun.
Howard (sings) 	Baby, baby don't get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don't get hooked on me.
Sheldon 	I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable Mack Daddy.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)