Episode 212: Bernadette Peters/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 212: Bernadette Peters.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter 	Bernadette Peters. Oh, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Peters!
Bernadette	Thanks, Scooter, and uh … thank the Swedish Chef for sending in this lovely chicken sandwich.
 	The chicken is still alive.
Bernadette	Suddenly, I'm not hungry.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star Miss Bernadette Peters! Yaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	No, please don't make me watch it!
 	
 	A balloon comes out of Gonzo's trumpet, but fails to blow up all the way.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a tux.
 	
Kermit 	Okay! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Right, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a wonderful show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of the all time multitalented, beautiful ladies of the world, Miss Bernadette Peters. (applause) Okay, but first of all — first of all, we've got an opening number, which features me. I do sing and dance occasionally, so you'll know I'm not just another pretty face.
 	The audience laughs. Piggy comes onstage, preening herself.
Miss Piggy	Uh, Kermie, my love?
Kermit 	Mmm?
Miss Piggy	About the opening number. It is a, uh, duet.
Kermit 	That's true.
 	
Miss Piggy	I wish you'd told me earlier. I don't have time to learn the lyrics.
Kermit 	Oh, that's okay. I'm doing it with Miss Mousey. (walks off)
Miss Piggy	Miss Mousey? MISS MOUSEY??!?
 	She runs after him. The curtain opens, and Kermit and Miss Mousey do a duet of "How Could You Believe Me".
 	
 	In the balcony, Piggy stands behind Statler and joins him in booing.
 	
Statler 	Boo! Hiss! Terrible.
Miss Piggy	Boo! SSSS!
Statler 	I hated it.
Waldorf 	Really? I kind of liked it.
Statler 	Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock. Ohh! Boo! Hiss! Terrible!
Miss Piggy	Boo.
==Backstage==
 	Robin sits on the floor.
 	
Robin 	Let's see if I've got it right now. Ahem. "Uncle Kermit, despite my small size and diminutive sta —"
 	Kermit enters the frame.
Kermit	Okay, hey, listen, uh, big monsters on stage for the Bernadette Peters number!
 	Sweetums, Thog and Timmy pass by and almost step on Robin.
Kermit	Come on, you guys. Move it. Move it. Come on. Move it. Move it.
Robin 	Look out! You almost stepped on me.
Kermit	Aw, come on now, you can't go on stage looking like that. Now get back out there! You gotta brush your hair.
 	The monsters walk over Robin again, in the other direction.
Kermit	Come on! Bernadette Peters is a big star. You gotta clean up. Clean up. Come on, come on, we don't have much time.
Robin 	Aw. Nobody ever notices me. Uh, "Uncle Kermit, uh, despite my small size and diminutive stature…"
 	The monsters walk over Robin again, onstage.
Kermit	Okay, come on! HURRY UP! HURRY UP! The number is about to start! Get on stage, get on stage!
Robin 	… "I'm known to be the center of attraction wherever I go, and I want a feature part in the show!" Aww, rats.
 	
=="Take a Little One Step"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, one of the loveliest ladies in all of show business …
Miss Piggy	Uh, Kermie, you're not bringing that Miss Mousey back, are you?
Kermit 	Uh, no, this is our guest star, Bernadette Peters.
Miss Piggy	Well, you're not singing with her, are you?
Kermit 	No, no, no, no. She's working with some of our big, ugly, shaggy beasts.
Miss Piggy	Sounds like Miss Mousey to me. (exits)
Kermit 	Will you get out of here! Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Miss Bernadette Peters.
 	
 	The curtain opens. Bernadette Peters sings "Take a Little One Step" while dancing with Sweetums, Thog, and Timmy.
Waldorf 	Wow, wonderful, wonderful. That Bernadette Peters is terrific.
Statler 	Well, I reserve judgment.
Waldorf 	Till when?
Statler 	Till the pig tells me what to say.
Miss Piggy	Bernadette Peters you can like.
Statler 	I loved her, I loved her!
Waldorf 	Good, good.
Miss Piggy	It's the mouse you gotta hate.
Statler 	I hated her!
Waldorf 	Terrible mouse!
Statler 	Yeah, rotten!
Waldorf 	Boo!
Statler 	Boo!
==Backstage==
 	In the prop room, Robin is nowhere to be seen on camera.
Robin	Aw, gee. I'm so small, they don't even see me most of the time.
 	Audience: "Awww." Robin pops up from behind an open suitcase.
Robin	And then when they do, they don't think I can do anything right.
 	
Robin	Well, I'll show 'em. I'm running away. The next time they turn around and don't see me, I'll be gone. Then they'll see I can do something right.
 	He accidentally shuts himself in his own suitcase.
Robin	Aw, rats.
==Chickens==
	
	Three chickens play "Chopsticks" on the piano.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on Nurse Piggy, fooling around with some tongue depressors. Noticing she's on camera, she takes her position at the operating table.
 	
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	(speaking into the stethoscope) Testing, one, two, three. Mm? Oh. Ahem.
Janice 	Oh, here, Dr. Bob. Here's your next patient.
Rowlf 	Oh.
 	He uncovers a shoe on the operating table.
Rowlf 	Hey! This is just a shoe. What happened to the rest of him?
Miss Piggy	Maybe he got cold feet.
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	Now, let's see what's wrong with him. A-ha! It's an eight and a half triple D.
Janice 	Eight and a half triple D?
Rowlf 	That's about the size of it. (laughs with Piggy)
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, Dr. Bob, what are you going to start on?
Rowlf 	The shoe string. A lot of people start on a shoestring.
Janice 	Well, what do you think, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Simple. It's arsenic poisoning.
Janice 	Arsenic?
Rowlf 	Sure, just look at this old lace.
Miss Piggy	Arsenic and Old Lace?
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, that's an old show.
Rowlf 	Well, that's an old shoe.
Janice 	Well, that's an old joke.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Dr. Bob, aren't you going to examine the patient?
Rowlf 	Uh, yes. Hey, shoe, stick out your tongue and say "ahh".
Shoe 	(sticks out tongue) Ahh.
Janice 	Dr. Bob, the tongue has a coat on it.
Rowlf 	Of course, it's cold outside.
Janice 	How do you know?
Rowlf 	Oh, the leather outside is frightful …
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob. You're not going to sing a song now, are you?
Rowlf 	Why not? There's no business like shoe-business.
 	They all laugh, and look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer 	And so, once again, Dr. Bob is barking up the wrong shoe tree.
Rowlf 	Woof woof!
Announcer 	Tune in next time, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy, Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob sing...
All 	He'll never walk alone!
 	They all laugh.
==UK spot==
	
	Uncle Deadly and the Sheik's Wife sing "Sheik of Araby."
==The Ant and the Grasshopper==
 	Sam stands by a small stage holding a book as harpsichord music plays.
 	200px
Sam the Eagle	What — now? Oh. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, I, Sam the Eagle, will now read a fable, which should serve as a moral lesson to us all. Ahem. Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper.
 	They appear on the stage.
Sam the Eagle	It was warm and sunny where they lived. But the ant worked day and night, from dawn to dusk, storing food for the long, hard winter he knew would come.
Ant 	Ohh, toil and labor, work and strife, are all that matter in this life.
Sam the Eagle	Oh, the ant is a wonderful character. But meanwhile, the lazy, pleasure-loving grasshopper sang and danced with appalling abandon.
Grasshopper 	Winter will fall and snow will come, but now it's time to have some fun. Hoo hoo!
Sam the Eagle	Shocking! Shocking! And eventually, just as expected, winter came.
 	The "winter" backdrop is lowered.
Sam the Eagle	Very nice. And then it was, dear listeners... ahem. (turns the page) ... that the grasshopper drove his sports car to Florida, and the ant got stepped on. What?
 	Both of those things happen onstage.
 	
Sam the Eagle	Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! That was not in the script! Someone changed it! We'll — we'll have to do it again! (facepalms)
Statler 	The grasshopper drove to Florida. (laughs)
Waldorf 	The ant got stepped on. (they laugh)
 	
Sam the Eagle	Will you stop that?
Waldorf 	(whimpers) Why are they picking on us tonight?
Statler 	(mumbles) I dunno …
==Dressing room==
 	Bernadette powders her face in the mirror. Robin pops up.
Robin 	Ahem! Hello, Miss Peters.
Bernadette 	Oh! Hello, Robin. I didn't see you.
Robin 	Yeah, most people don't. Listen, I'm running away from home, but I — I did want to stop and say goodbye.
 	
Bernadette 	Oh, you're running away from home? How come?
Robin 	Well, because nobody notices me around here.
Bernadette 	Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.
Robin 	(nods) See? I mean, no one cares about a six-ounce frog.
Bernadette 	Robin, you've got to believe in yourself.
Robin 	Hmm?
Bernadette 	If just one person believes in you, (music swells up) deep enough and strong enough, believes in you…
Hard enough, and long enough,
Before you knew it, someone else would think,
"If he can do it, I can do it"…
 	Kermit shows up.
Bernadette 	Making it …
Bernadette, Kermit 	
Two whole people who believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believe in you,
Hard enough and long enough, there's bound to be some 
Other person who believes in making it a threesome, making it …
Bernadette, Kermit, Fozzie	
Three…
People you can say believe in me.
 	Scooter, Gonzo, Droop, Rowlf, Green Frackle and Miss Mousey join them.
 	
Bernadette & Muppets 	
And if three whole people, why not four?
And if four whole people, why not more, and more, and more…
And when all those people believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believe in you,
Hard enough, and long enough, it stands to reason,
You yourself will start to see what everybody sees in you …
And maybe even you (maybe even you …)
Can believe in you, too.
 	She gives Robin a kiss. Applause.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, with a chicken in a box of hay. He waves two spoons and sings.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de lîttël chïcky-bøo. And de chïcky-bøo … (points to a frying pan) … lay de ëgg.
 	The chicken refuses the Chef's commands. The Chef waves a meat cleaver.
Chicken 	Oh, okay! Okay! (clucks)
 	The Chef looks under the chicken and picks up a bomb with a lit fuse.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de bøøm?
 	
 	Explosion. The chicken laughs.
==Backstage==
Kermit	Okay. Is he all right? (Scooter runs by and nods) Good. Okay.
Robin 	Hi, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit	Oh, hi there, Robin.
Robin 	Hey, I feel just great after talking to Bernadette.
Kermit		Good.
Robin 	Yeah. Say, listen, can I do a song on the show tonight?
Kermit	Oh, funny you should mention it, Robin, you know, I was just thinking the same thing.
Robin 	Oh, boy! Look, the way I see it …
Kermit	Mm-hm?
Robin 	… the curtain opens, and I'm standing there in a spotlight.
Kermit	Mm-hm.
 	
Robin 	The music swells and I sing, Away out here, they've got a name …
Kermit	Oh, no, no, no, no, no. "They Call the Wind Maria"?
Robin 	Yeah. Great, huh?
Kermit	Uh, Robin, that's ridiculous. No no no, listen. I have a cute little song here that's much more fitting to a frog your age. It's called "I'm Five."
Robin 	It's called cute and yucky. I don't wanna do it.
Kermit	Okay. Forget it.
Robin 	Oh, hey. Is that any way to treat a performer? I'm gonna get an agent! I'm gonna get a lawyer! (runs away)
Kermit	Uh, I'm gonna get your father.
Robin 	(comes back) I'm gonna get right out and learn this cute little song. (runs off with the sheet music)
Kermit	I thought he'd see it my way. (exits)
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here with news to set you a-quiver. Beaker. Beaker, dear lad, come over here.
 	Beaker comes to Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, Beaker, you forgot the beaker. Now, get the beaker, Beaker. Go on.
 	Beaker goes to fetch it. Bunsen addresses the crowd.
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	You are about to see the first sample ever isolated of the new element Bunsonium, contained in this self-same beaker here.
 	He passes it to Beaker. Beaker passes it back out of fear.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	So far we have found no use for Bunsonium. We already know that it does not remove paint, it isn't a good glue, and when used as a shampoo, it produces unusual side effects. Right, Beaker?
 	Beaker sighs, removes his hair and sticks it back on.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	So today, we begin an experiment to see what Bunsonium does when taken internally.
 	They pass it back and forth again.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	My assistant Beaker here will now drink the Bunsonium.
 	Beaker gasps.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's all right. There, there, Beaker. Just take a teensy little sip at first, and remember not to get carried away and gulp the whole thing. Go ahead. It's all right. Go on.
 	Beaker reluctantly sips the solution and starts to quiver.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Good. And now, in just a few moments, we shall know exactly what Bunsonium does.
 	Beaker's head deflates.
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, so that's what Bunsonium does. Come, Beaker, let's go find a bicycle pump and pump you back up.
=="I'm Five"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Well, it's introduction time. So here he is, my own cute little nephew, Robin, singing "I'm Five".
 	
 	Open on Robin sitting in a big easy chair. After he sings the cute little song, he gets applause.
Robin 	And now for my next number — Away out here they've got a name, for wind and rain and fire…
 	
 	He is yanked offstage by a cane.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline The Muppet Show. It has been reported just moments ago that a large, heavy object was dropped from the ceiling. Further developments will...
 	KLANG! An anvil falls on him.
 	
=="Apple Jack"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Olay, and now let's go down home for a little singin', a little banjo pickin' and a little "Apple Jack" with the lovely Miss Bernadette Peters.
 	
 	Bernadette sings "Apple Jack" with Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay. Well, we did the beginning part of the show, and then we did the middle part, so this has to be the end part. So let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest, Miss Bernadette Peters!
 	Applause.
Bernadette 	Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's really been fun. But I especially want to thank Mr. Big, Robin the Frog.
 	
Robin 	(sitting on her shoulder) Aww, gee, Bernadette. Thanks a lot. Hey, I really had a great ti— WHOA! (he falls off)
Kermit 	Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show. Okay?
Bernadette 	(picks him up) He's OK.
 	The credits roll.
Statler 	Seriously, what'd you think of Miss Mousey?
Waldorf 	I loved her.
Statler 	Me too.
Miss Piggy 	(pops up) What?!
Statler & Waldorf	(cowering) No, we didn't!
Miss Piggy 	Thank you.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts