Urchin Infestation

Urchin Infestation is the second episode of Season One of Call the Cops.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins with a shot of the jail, where the original five are all in a singular jail cell. SpongeBob is playing the harmonica with his nose, and Patrick's head is stuck in the toilet]
Plankton: Great. Prison again. Whoopee.
Mr. Krabs: Boyo, can you stop playing that familiar-sounding song on your nose?
SpongeBob: (stops playing on his nose) Sorry. It just helps me calm down, you know?
Mr. Krabs: Well I mean it could be worse.
Plankton: How could it be worse? I'm stuck in a prison cell with my business rival and the most annoying yellow sponge in the seven seas!
SpongeBob: Thanks.
Plankton: That wasn't a compliment.
Helen: From all the cartoons I've seen in my very short life before prison, saying "it could be worse" always means something goes wrong.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, silly girl. This ain't no cartoon. Right, Patrick?
Patrick: Yes, I am in this episode too.
Plankton: I thought this was a fanfiction on some dumb website about that moronic cheese wedge.
SpongeBob: (giggling) Sounds familiar.
Mr. Krabs: This joke happens every time, I swear to Neptune.
Plankton: We've been in here for ages, I've ran out of all good jokes to pass the time!
SpongeBob: Ooh, isn't lunch in like five minutes?
Plankton: Lunch? Who cares about lunch when you're in prison?
[Patrick's stomach rumbles]
Patrick: Ooh. I could use a few dozen snacks in my belly.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I wonder what they're gonna serve today!
[Cut to the five of them queuing up in the canteen to get their meals. The dinner lady pours some slop onto SpongeBob's plate.]
Dinner-lady: The same as every day, slop.
SpongeBob: Say, why are you called the dinner-lady when it's lunch?
Dinner-lady: Just take the food, cheese slab.
[SpongeBob pokes it with his finger.]
SpongeBob: Heh, it has a nice… texture, I guess.
Patrick: I'll take ten.
[SpongeBob leans over to Mr. Krabs next to him and whispers.]
SpongeBob: This is the worst food I have ever had in my life.
Mr. Krabs: Tell me about it.
[SpongeBob walks off to the table and the queue moves along. Plankton struggles to move his tray across. Mr. Krabs stares as he struggles for a few seconds.]
Mr. Krabs: You uh… need a little help?
Plankton: No thanks, I'm fine.
[pause]
Plankton: Okay, maybe just a little?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah right, like I'd help you. I was just kidding!
[Mr. Krabs laughs as he carries his tray to SpongeBob's table.]
Plankton: Ugh, you really are the worst cellmate ever.
Mr. Krabs: I've dealt with worse ones in me navy days, don't be whining now.
Plankton: You mean you've been in prison before this?
Mr. Krabs: Tax evasion.
Plankton: Figures.
[Plankton turns to the dinner-lady.]
Plankton: Say, would you happen to have any trays that are… compatible with someone of my size?
Dinner-lady: Yeah, sorry.
[Plankton loudly groans as the lady serves him his slop and he is forced to carry it to the table.]
Patrick: If you guys don't want it, I'll be glad to take that food off your hands.
SpongeBob: Sure, buddy. Take all you want.
Patrick: YIPPEE!!
[Patrick takes SpongeBob's tray and chugs all the slop down his esophagus as the others watch in disgust.]
Mr. Krabs: Ew.
Plankton: You know honestly if I had to choose between this and holographic meatloaf… I'd choose the holographic meatloaf. At least I can pretend it's real food.
[Plankton goes to take a bite but stops before the food reaches his mouth.]
Plankton: Yeah, actually I think I'm gonna try this cool new thing I've heard about today. It's called starving.
[Mr. Krabs pushes his tray away from him.]
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, me too.
Patrick: Oh well, more for me.
[Patrick sucks all of the food into his mouth like a vacuum cleaner.]
Patrick: You should serve this at the Krusty Krab or something.
Helen: You guys are such chickens.
SpongeBob: What's a chicken?
Helen: I can tell you flunked kindergarten harder than I did.
SpongeBob: Well, I-
Plankton: Could you stop all this talk about the education system? Not only does it give me painful memories of my painful past, but it's boring to listen to.
Mr. Krabs: What else can we do?
SpongeBob: I spy with my little-
Mr. Krabs: We are not playing I Spy, boy.
SpongeBob: Aw. I like that game.
Mr. Krabs: Any other suggestions?
[They think for a few seconds.]
Plankton: (sarcastically) Oh, I know! We could watch TV! Oh wait, we can't do that because we're in prison and I'M STUCK WITH YOU!!!!
SpongeBob: I enjoy your company too, Plankton.
Plankton: You're such an imbecile.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, you're just saying that!
Dinner-lady: Alright, prisoners, back to your cells, lunch time's over.
Plankton: (fist-pumping) Yes!
Mr. Krabs: Oh get your grip, Plankton, we're just doing the same thing we did before lunch.
Patrick: Aww…
[Cut to the five in their cell. Patrick is giggling as he bangs his head against the wall, repeating "Candy!" over and over again. Plankton has his hands in his face]
Plankton: Could you SHUT UP? Can you at least say something other than the same word over and over?
[Patrick starts repeating "Veggies" over and over again instead. Plankton groans.]
SpongeBob: Hey I think I got a good idea for a game we can play.
Mr. Krabs: I doubt it's a good idea.
SpongeBob: Chess!
Plankton: You dolt, we don't even have a chess board!
[SpongeBob pulls a chess box out of his pants.]
Mr. Krabs: Not even gonna ask. I used to play chess all the time, I should be able to beat Plankton in a snap!
Plankton: Up against the evil genius, no it won't be!
SpongeBob: Oh, oh! Can I be on Mr. Krabs' team?
Plankton: This is Chess you dimwit, there aren't any teams!
SpongeBob: I… just thought we could take it in turns?
Mr. Krabs: Sorry SpongeBob, you probably better stay put for the duel of the century.
SpongeBob: Oh… okay, it's my board.
Patrick: If you don't wanna watch them, you could always lick the wall with me for eleven minutes.
SpongeBob: Thanks but no thanks. I'm not getting sick at this time of year.
Patrick: You're licking the germs off so the wall's clean! What's wrong with that?
SpongeBob: You know what, you do you. What are you doing, Helen?
Helen: None of your business, shithead.
SpongeBob: Oh, okay.
[Mr. Krabs sets up the Chess board.]
Mr. Krabs: Alright, I'm being whites.
Plankton: But I'm always whites! Whites go first, that's not fair!
Mr. Krabs: We're locked up together, nothing is fair.
Plankton: Ugh, fine.
[Mr. Krabs makes his first move.]
Plankton: Pfft, amateur. Watch how the pro does it.
[Plankton makes the same move Mr. Krabs did.]
Mr. Krabs: You just made the same move I did.
Plankton: I know. I heard the mysterious text man. I'm not dumb, Eugene.
Mr. Krabs: (sighs) Eh, alright.
[Mr. Krabs makes his next move.]
Plankton: Getting your seahorses out already? Pffft, showoff.
[Plankton makes the exact same move once again.]
Mr. Krabs: Oh wow, how original.
Plankton: I'll be making my moves on you, Eugene, I'll tell ya that.
SpongeBob: Go Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, he's our man, if he can't do it, no one can!
Mr. Krabs and Plankton: Be quiet!
SpongeBob: (whispering) Sorry.
Patrick: (screaming) There's an urchin on my tongue!
[Plankton sighs as Patrick runs around the room panicking.]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, I got this. Patrick, say "Ah."
Patrick: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
SpongeBob: Uh, that's not what I had in mind.
Patrick: Get it off of me SpongeBob. It feels hurt-y on my tongue.
Plankton: Can you please stop running around screaming?! You're gonna knock over the Chess board!
Patrick: If you had a spiky urchin on your tongue you'd be running around screaming too.
Plankton: I'm too small to get urchins on my tongue, you dolt. Now shut up and stay still so we can continue.
Patrick: But it hurts!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you're gonna have to open your mouth and not scream this time. Do it for good ol' buddy SpongeBob.
Patrick: Okay. (he opens his mouth and doesn't scream this time)
[SpongeBob plucks the urchin off of Patrick's tongue, making him flinch a little. SpongeBob drops the urchin to the ground.]
SpongeBob: Off you go, little guy. Happy trails.
Plankton: Finally. Now we can continue my domination.
Mr. Krabs: You're so full of yourself, Sheldon.
Plankton: Oh yeah? Then take this! (he's about to make his next move, but Mr. Krabs stops him by crushing his body with his claw)
Mr. Krabs: Ahem, I think it's my turn now, thank you very much.
[Mr. Krabs makes his next move, which causes him to win.]
Mr. Krabs: Check… and… mate!
Plankton: Oh come on! I was doing literally everything you were!
Mr. Krabs: Never copy the original, kid.
Plankton: I'm 42!
Mr. Krabs: And I'm 69, what're you gonna do about it?
Patrick: Hehe, nice.
SpongeBob: Are you really that old, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I have no idea. Nobody's ever told me when I was born.
SpongeBob: That's sad.
Plankton: Well I don't believe you won fair and square for one second! I call a recount!
Mr. Krabs: Recount?! Just look at the board!! I won and you're just jealous.
Plankton: Jealous? How dare you! 
Mr. Krabs: I'm just stating the facts.
Plankton: Oh, I'm done with this stupid game! (he flips the board over) I'm leaving!
[Plankton storms off, before realising there is no way out of the room.]
Mr. Krabs: There's no way out Plankton, we're all stuck with each other and we're just gonna have to deal with it. I don't like this either, you know.
Plankton: Oh, you don't like this alright. You're loving it! I saw how smug your face was just now when you cheated at-
Mr. Krabs: Cheated?! Oh come on! Is wittle baby Plankton throwing a fit because he lost a game of chessy-wessy?
Helen: Would you two shut up already?
Plankton: Oh, I see how it is.
SpongeBob: The urchin is back and it brought some friends.
Plankton: (sarcastically) Oh how sweet. Are you gonna dress them up or something?
SpongeBob: No, I mean they're overflowing from the toilet.
[The camera pans over to the toilet, which is indeed overflowing with urchins. Patrick is seen with urchin spikes on his butt.]
Patrick: Do something about the urchins. They hurt my butt.
Plankton: Of course they did.
SpongeBob: Plankton, can you quit being a smart aleck and actually help over here?
Plankton: What's in it for me? Nothing, I assume.
SpongeBob: Satisfaction from helping a friend?
Plankton: Nice try, kid. We are not and never will be… (struggling to say the word) ffffffff-riends.
[A tear appears in SpongeBob's eye.]
SpongeBob: Wh- what?
Plankton: That's right, SpongeBob. Don't get all upset about it.
SpongeBob: (sobbing) B- but… I thought we had something… special.
Plankton: Are you trying to guilt-trip me into helping? It's not working.
[SpongeBob starts crying.]
Plankton: Alright, fine.
[SpongeBob suddenly stops crying.]
SpongeBob: Really?! Wow, thanks!
Plankton: Yeah yeah, whatever. I'm sure it's not that big of a dea- (he looks over to the urchins spilling out of the toilet) GOOD GRIEF! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
SpongeBob: I did tell you.
Mr. Krabs: Hey haven't we dealt with urchins before?
Plankton: Yeah, but not to this degree! Plus we're in prison so our options are really limited.
Mr. Krabs: We could call the cops.
SpongeBob: Ba dum tss.
Helen: NO! I mean, heh. We're not doing that.
Mr. Krabs: Well that eliminates the only good option. Anyone have any bad options?
Plankton: I could stuff some urchins into your FACE!
Mr. Krabs: Like you could even do that.
SpongeBob: Guys, guys, let's not argue, and instead let's fix this urchin problem.
Helen: Like we should listen to you, cheese block. Your idea of a nightmare is a lopsided burger!
SpongeBob: Well, I wouldn't call it a nightmare, but-
[Patrick starts screaming again as the urchins start flooding the room.]
SpongeBob: Uh oh…
Plankton: So this is how it all ends, huh? Being suffocated in a jail cell full of urchins with my worst enemy.
SpongeBob: C'mon, guys, there's gotta be something we can do about this. We just have to put our minds to it!
Plankton: And how are we supposed to do that when two people in this room don't even have one?
Mr. Krabs: Me mind was worn down after that chess game, boy. I can't think of anything.
SpongeBob: If we all work together I'm sure we'll figure something out! After all, teamwork does make the dream work.
Plankton: More like teamwork makes the… steam work?
[Everyone awkwardly stares at Plankton.]
Plankton: Because steam is bad right? ...and hot?
[awkward pause]
Mr. Krabs: That's lame, Plankton.
Patrick: SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!
SpongeBob: I'm thinking, Patrick. I'm thinking.
[Steam comes out of SpongeBob's head as he thinks.]
SpongeBob: What if we tried to lure them out?
Plankton: And how do we do that?
SpongeBob: Anyone have any spare food?
[Patrick barfs up a tray of slop from earlier. The others flinch in disgust.]
Patrick: What? It's just vomit.
[A single urchin walks over to the slop, sniffs it and takes a bite. It jumps up and down in satisfaction.]
SpongeBob: Well apparently Patrick isn't the only one who likes the slop.
Plankton: I didn't think that was possible. That stuff's worse than chum!
Helen: It's not so bad. My taste buds are long gone though, that's probably why.
Mr. Krabs: Wait, how long have you been here?
Helen: Long enough for the slop to destroy my taste buds.
Plankton: So not very long. I see.
[A few other urchins approach the slop and take bits out of it as well. Eventually, most of the urchins have been distracted by the slop.]
SpongeBob: Now we just need to get the slop out of the cell without being infected by every germ known to fishkind.
[Patrick picks up the slop and throws it out of the cell.]
Plankton: Yeesh, he just doesn't care.
Mr. Krabs: Bingo!
[The urchins all head towards the slop outside of the cell. Officer Nancy is seen casually sipping a drink while walking along, looking at jail cells. She steps on one of the urchins and grabs onto her foot.]
Officer Nancy: (long and loud dolphin chirp) that hurts!
Officer John: Hey, Nancy, langua- whoa, what in the world?! It's an infestation! We need to take care of this immediately.
Officer Nancy: Indeed we do.
Officer John: Close all cells and warn everyone. I'll take care of the urchins.
Officer Nancy: Got it.
[Officer Nancy runs to the intercom and makes an announcement.]
Officer Nancy: Attention all prisoners. I've come to make an announcement. Stay in your cells at this time. No exceptions. Have a… day I guess. (puts down the intercom)
Officer John: (holding a broom) C’mon, guys, let's go.
[The urchins start eating the broom handle, and it gets fully eaten.]
Officer John: Barnacles. We need backup.
Officer Nancy: I got a backup broom.
[As she holds up the backup broom, the urchins immediately eat it up.]
Officer Nancy: Fish paste. What do we do now? We used up both our brooms.
[Cut back to the group’s jail cell, where SpongeBob and Patrick are now playing chess.]
SpongeBob: For the seventy-second time, Patrick, you can only move the seahorses in an L shape.
Patrick: How about you take this L then?
[Patrick knocks over all of SpongeBob’s pieces with his hand and giggles to himself.]
Plankton: Heh. Now you know how it feels.
[Officer Nancy and John are screaming off-screen]
SpongeBob: Oh no, should we help them?
Plankton: They'll be fine.
Patrick: They told us to stay in our cell thingys.
Helen: This is prison, Patrick. If you're gonna listen to rules you're never gonna survive in here.
SpongeBob: What's wrong with listening to rules?
Helen: (giving a dead stare with flames in her eyes) Everything.
Patrick: But if we don't listen to the "rule" things then the guard guys are gonna be angry!
Helen: The angrier they are, the better.
Officer John: (off-screen) Somebody help us!
Helen: No. Let them suffer.
Plankton: This girl knows how to act.
SpongeBob: But I don't like to see people suffer. It's just not right.
Mr. Krabs: Morality versus immorality I guess. Whatever floats yer boat.
Officer John: I'm being digested!
Helen: Eh, they don't need help.
Officer Nancy: (off-screen) We need help!
SpongeBob: So, uh…
[Helen gives a long and hard groan.]
Helen: Uggggghhhhhhh, fine.
SpongeBob: HOORAY! Officers, we're coming for you!
[The camera pans out to the cell bars.]
SpongeBob: Oh yeah, we're kinda locked up.
Mr. Krabs: As a professional penny pincher I know how to pickpocket.
[Mr. Krabs searches inside of Patrick’s pants and pulls out a key]
Patrick: Tee-hee! That tickles!
Mr. Krabs: You really do have a lot of those things.
[Mr. Krabs use the key to unlock the cell door and the group escape.]
Officer Nancy: Woah woah woah! What's going on here?!
SpongeBob: We're gonna help you!
Officer John: Don't worry, go back to your cell, we have everything under- (an urchin pricks him) OUCHH!!!
Plankton: Okay, so… what's our plan?
SpongeBob: Patrick, you got any more of that slop?
Patrick: Coming right up!
[The group shields their eyes as Patrick barfs up more slop.]
Officer John: That's disgusting.
Plankton: His digestive system is an enigma, I tell you.
Patrick: Thanks.
[The urchins smell the slop and rush towards it.]
Mr. Krabs: Well we got them away from the guards, now what?
[They look towards the hoard of urchins running towards them.]
SpongeBob: WE RUN!!!!!!
[SpongeBob picks up the slop with his hands as they run off down the hall. Pieces of the slop start falling off. The officers run after them.]
Officer Nancy: Nice thinking, prisoners! How'd you know they liked slop?
Patrick: Tee-hee.
Officer Nancy: Oh-kay then. Noted.
Officer John: I guess we just have to lead them out the building then?
Plankton: We're being pardoned?
Officer John: No. We're talking about the urchins.
Plankton: Barnacles.
SpongeBob: Right ahead of ya!
[They reach a door at the end of the hallway, which is protected by a passcode.]
SpongeBob: Heh, right after you enter the pin.
Officer John: Oh, uh, right.
[Officer John scrambles to enter the pin before the urchins reach them. The prisoners shield their eyes, besides Helen and Plankton who only pretend to. The door opens.]
Officer Nancy: Quickly! To the exit!
[Cut to the outside of the prison. SpongeBob throws what's left of the slop outside the gates and the urchins follow, devouring it. They turn to reenter the prison, but Officer Nancy slams the gates behind them.]
SpongeBob: We did it!
Patrick: Lo hicimos!
Mr. Krabs: I guess we did do it, didn't we?
Officer John: Thank you, prisoners! You just saved us a visit from the exterminator! Those guys are expensive.
Officer Nancy: Now, you're not gonna try and escape on us, are you?
[The group laughs.]
Officer Nancy, But seriously, you're not, are you?
Officer John: How could we ever repay you?
SpongeBob: (laughs) We don't need anything, just the thought of having helped two officers in need is enough.
[The group stares at him, except for Patrick.]
SpongeBob: Heh, I mean… actually this one thing might be handy…
[Cut to the prisoners queuing up in the canteen.]
Mr. Krabs: Well Plankton, we might be arch-enemies but we do have some fun, eh?
Plankton: I guess, if you call an urchin infestation thing fun. Maybe I was wrong about that whole timebomb thing.
SpongeBob: You mean "teamwork"?
Plankton: Whatever.
Mr. Krabs: So glad you convinced the guards to feed us something other than slop, me boy!
SpongeBob: Yeah! Maybe they'll give us Krabby Patties today!
Mr. Krabs: Keep dreaming, boy.
Patrick: Aw. I liked the slop.
[The dinner-lady pours some slop onto SpongeBob's plate.]
SpongeBob: Huh? Sorry, I think there's been a mix-up. The guards promised us something other than slop from now on. Something more… digestible.
Patrick: I'll have the slop.
Dinner-lady: This isn't slop, son. It's goulash.
SpongeBob: Ohhhhhhh.
[SpongeBob and Patrick laugh while the others blankly stare in annoyance. End.]
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