Bagels, Billiards and a Magic Show/Transcript

This is the transcript for Bagels, Billiards and a Magic Show, which aired on October 28, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hello.
Good morning, everybody.
Can I have your attention? Hi.
I want to thank you all for coming.
I was told there'd be bagels.
- And there will be.
- And cream cheese? What is this, my first day? Okay, I want to start with some very exciting news.
If you're making the bathrooms gender-neutral, I'll go outside in the bushes.
"We suffer more in imagination than we do in reality.
" Seneca, Roman philosopher.
"I only pee next to other dudes.
" Spencer Williams, American patriot.
Okay, um, the news is [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
I bought the Valley Hills Assisted Living Facility.
Where you do the living And we do the assisting.
I told you that would die.
So, you actually did it? You bought the place? I did.
A-And the previous owners were so eager to sell that they threw all you guys in, no extra charge.
Not a great feeling, is it? I have an appointment to fix a detached retina.
Can we move this along before I go blind in one eye? So sorry, Bette.
Hey, I love the shoes, by the way.
Ooh, thanks.
I'm happy to loan.
Um, anyway, uh, you all know Gabby.
And as of today, she is our new administrative vice president.
I'll still be rolling you over when you have bed sores and sterilizing your catheters, but now I have a parking spot.
We'll talk about that later.
And I'd also like to introduce you to my friend Gideon, who is our new head nurse.
In addition to caring for your health needs, I will also be reviving the Valley Hills theater program.
So be sure to sign up for our first production, La Cage aux Folles.
Maybe you should loan this one your shoes.
And I am very grateful to Mrs.
Ludlum, who has agreed to stay on and help me turn this into the happiest place on Earth.
Suck on that, Disneyland.
Now, as you all know, Mr.
Knudsen left me a-a great deal of money.
I let him watch me shower, and he left me nothing.
Well, isn't that a special memory? Uh, the thing is, um, I didn't just buy this place, I am determined to make it better.
Is this shower deal available to anyone? Okay, okay, moving on.
[CHUCKLES.]
I want to open up the floor and hear from you guys.
What can we do to make your golden years your best years? SPENCER: Golden years? Every morning, I hack up a gallon of phlegm, I take 28 pills, and then try to put my Skechers on without sitting on my balls.
Show me the golden.
Want to make things better? HARRY: My wife's dying.
She's in constant pain.
Whenever she hits the call button to go to the bathroom, somebody, maybe the vice president here, can actually show up and help her.
I'm sorry, but we're understaffed, and I can't be everywhere at once.
Well, you have enough time to smoke pot on the pickleball court.
- HARRY: Mm-hmm.
- Harry, I will be hiring more staff, so waiting will no longer be an issue.
All right, what else? Perhaps the chef could be improved upon.
What's wrong with the chef? He was fired from Southwest Airlines.
Maybe there's a clue in that.
Okay, we're getting a new chef.
All right.
Anything else? The laundry service is a joke.
All my clothes come back stretched out.
Or you're shrinking.
The word is "tight.
" I'm tight.
- I will look into the laundry.
- We need better security.
We're sitting ducks for the terrorists.
Oh, sure, because they want to kill people who are about to die.
Very clever.
When they get here, I'm sending them to your room first.
So they're not only coming, they take requests? Okay, we need to get back on track.
[CHUCKLES.]
Um I just want to close by saying that being of service to you and making your lives better is what gives my life purpose.
You know what would give my life purpose? - The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live - Your happiness is relative - Happiness But if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive Ooh.
This banana is kind of tired.
What do you say we toss it and get you a new one? Got it.
That's a keeper.
How's it going? Ooh, I'm all packed up.
Uh, any of my clothes you find lying around, you can give to the Goodwill.
Most of which I bought at the Goodwill.
Circle of life.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
I guess this is it.
I guess so.
Oh, oh, um Your house key.
No, no.
You keep it.
You'll always have a home here whenever you want.
Thank you.
All right.
- I'll see you later.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- Bye.
Let's go, Cannoli.
Hey, boy.
You forget something? Oh.
[TOY SQUEAKS.]
Hmm.
[SQUEAKING SOFTLY.]
Come on, come on.
All right? You have to eat something.
Come on.
Harry, if you don't put that spoon down, I'm gonna take your temperature with it.
Hey, how's my favorite couple? - Terrific.
- She's not eating.
Oh, come on, Meredith.
You got to keep up your strength.
Why? I'm gonna arm-wrestle the Grim Reaper? You might.
We don't know how it works.
D-Don't talk like that.
Don't tell her not to talk like that.
In fact, don't tell any woman not to talk like that.
He's sorry.
Tell her you're sorry.
You just said it.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Um, I got one of these for everybody.
Does it open a garage door? Well, it's a call button that works with Wi-Fi, so when you press it, somebody will come, wherever you are.
Really? Let's give it a try.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's really for emergencies.
I saw something like this on TV.
Oh, yeah, like the lady who falls and can't get up.
That's us now, baby.
[LAUGHS.]
Everything okay? Sorry.
False alarm.
Oh, we're gonna have a lot of fun with this thing.
Try yours.
Maybe someone else will come.
No, no, no, no, no.
No! [DEVICE BEEPING.]
Whatever it is, you gonna have to wait a few minutes.
[SQUEAKING SOFTLY.]
Oh, hey, there, little guy.
You all done in the kitchen? Well, I sure don't mind the company.
Okay, well, don't get stuck under the oven.
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE VIBRATING.]
What? Hey, baby girl.
Just checking in.
Seeing what the haps is.
I'm doing homework.
Uh-huh, cool.
What do you got? A little Social Studies? Â¿Un poquito EspaÃ±ol? Are you feeling okay? I'm fine.
I just wanted to chat with my daughter.
Okay.
I'm savoring that I get to be here, alive and well, for this.
Still there? Did you ever tell Gina how you felt about her? Oh.
No.
I-I dropped plenty of hints, but no.
No, I didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Wimp.
I'm not a wimp.
I'm patient.
Prudent.
Pragmatic.
Pathetic.
Just tell her you're into her.
What's the worst that could happen? Well, she rejects me, never talks to me again, and then for the rest of my life, every time I use her kidney to pee, I'm reminded of my shame.
I'm sorry I asked.
I'm sorry I answered.
Okay, goodbye.
[WHIRRING.]
Hey, look who's back.
It's starting to feel personal.
[PHONE RINGING.]
- Hey, stranger.
- GINA: I don't know what I'm doing.
I have people here who are sick and dying and I don't feel like I'm equipped to handle any of it.
Well, can you give the place back? Did you save the receipt? Really? I tell you people are dying and you make jokes? Can't help it.
Death gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Drew! Sorry.
How can I help? I have a very sweet lady who has stage four cancer, and her husband is angry and confused, and I think they need to talk to a professional.
Oh, and you thought of me.
I'm flattered.
You're the only therapist I know.
Still flattered.
Okay, I'll stop by tomorrow.
Thanks.
Hey, Roomba.
Guess who called.
[NORMA CRYING.]
Norma? You doing okay? NORMA: Go away.
I'm fine.
You don't sound fine.
You want to open the door? No.
I have a pass key.
Come back when you have a warrant.
[CRYING.]
What is going on with you? Nothing.
I'm just having a bad day.
Are you taking your pain meds? I told you, I don't like the way they make me feel.
You can't keep putting off the surgery.
Watch me.
Why are you being so stubborn? I don't want to be put under, okay? They put people my age under, half the time they never wake up.
They go from the table to a bag.
Norma, that is not gonna happen to you.
No pills, no bag.
- What are you doing? - Hang on.
- [PANTING.]
What do you need? - Two Advil.
Yeah, like that'll help.
They're for me.
Mind if I sit down for a minute? The whole place has gone button-crazy.
GIDEON: Okay, Bette.
Here is your blood pressure pill.
I'm fine.
I don't need it.
Honey, you had a heart attack.
Oh, please.
It was mostly gas.
You have to take your pill.
No.
Okay, fine.
Then no bikini wax.
You're a monster.
- Gideon.
- GIDEON: Oh, hey.
- Look who's here.
- Yeah.
Gina asked me to have a little chat with Meredith and Harry Milton? Oh, yeah.
Down the hall, uh, second door on the left.
Great.
So, how you liking the new job? I'm digging it.
There's always something crazy going on.
- [DEVICE BEEPING.]
- Hi, Drew.
[SHUSHES.]
My wife is sleeping.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Um, I'm Drew Dunbar.
Did Gina tell you I was gonna drop by? Oh, yeah.
You're the shrink.
I'm actually not a shrink, I'm a psychologist.
I don't care.
I'm not interested.
Oh, I understand.
I just know that, sometimes, when you're going through difficult situations, it helps to have someone to bounce things off of.
Hang on.
You're right.
I feel better.
U-Uh, Gina, can you help me with something? - Oh, can it wait? - I was wondering if we had room in the budget for a speaker series.
We could bring people in to talk to us about world events.
- Ooh, that's a great idea.
- And the occasional magician.
- Oh, you like magic? - I like to be fooled.
[LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
A-And I'm thinking that I could be host/moderator.
Sort of like Charlie Rose, but before the darkness.
Okay, yeah.
We can make that happen.
Oh, you've just made an old man very happy.
- I'm glad.
- Uh oops.
What's that behind your ear? Gratitude.
[LAUGHS.]
I love that.
Because I fooled you.
It's open.
Hi.
You wanted to see me? Yes, thank you.
Here, sit.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What's up? I'm worried about Harry.
Oh, what about him? He keeps making these little jokes that right after my funeral he's gonna join me in heaven.
Ooh, um, that's not good.
Just know that the entire staff will make sure that he has plenty of emotional support.
I don't care about the entire staff.
I'm talking to you.
You're the only one here he actually likes.
- I am? - [CHUCKLES.]
: Yeah.
You remind him of our daughter.
Aw, that's nice.
Hey, where is she? In heaven.
Waiting for me.
[SOFTLY.]
: Oh, Meredith.
I'm so sorry.
So, I can count on you? Absolutely.
I will take good care of Harry.
If you don't, I will haunt you.
Got it.
I mean it.
Sleep with a rosary.
I'll teach you to run from me.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hey, kidney buddy.
That's getting old, Drew.
Well, you can always give me another body part.
I bet I could rock your tushy.
[GIGGLES.]
Are you flirting with me? [CHUCKLES.]
: What? Oh, my God.
No.
Um, hey, did you talk to Harry? Yeah, uh, we had a quick chat.
Did not go well.
Did he throw a hush puppy at you? No, a water bottle.
What's a hush puppy? It's a shoe.
For some reason, old men like to wear them with shorts.
So, listen.
I talked to his wife today, and [SIGHS.]
she's worried that he might do something stupid after she dies.
What do you mean, like suicide? Yeah.
She made me promise to look after him.
[SIGHS.]
That's quite a responsibility.
Yeah, i-it's actually way too much for me, so, um, I'm gonna share it with my tushy buddy.
[GIGGLES.]
: Oh, I wish.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Okay, yeah.
I can, uh, swing by tomorrow and try again.
Hopefully, he won't throw a water bottle or a shoe at me.
Or a billiard ball.
- What? - Good night.
Good night.
I love you.
Thank you.
Did you get something fun? Three-month supply of my favorite antiaging cream.
You don't just wake up looking like this.
- Hey, Drew.
- Hey, Gabby.
Hello.
Hi.
[GASPS SOFTLY.]
Um, I'm looking for Harry.
- Try the game room.
- Thanks.
See ya.
Yes, you will.
Oh.
Yum.
Hi, Norma.
- Hi.
- What you doing? I'm writing an angry letter to The New York Times.
An actual letter.
Wow.
They don't usually get those unless there's anthrax in them.
- You know what this is? - A pen? It's a weapon.
Greatest weapon known to man.
Ah, yes, the whole "pen is mightier than the sword" thing.
- Exactly.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna go on a limb and say you'd get a lot more attention at The New York Times if you walked in there with a sword.
You know what your smart mouth just got ya? What's that? A letter.
See, again I would've gone with a sword.
Quite the stroke you got there.
You feel like a little friendly competition? - You can actually play? - Yes.
We had a pool table growing up.
My dad saw it as a way to spend time with me without talking.
Sounds like a good father.
All right, grab a stick.
You're up.
Okay.
Come on.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[QUIETLY.]
: Let's see here.
I'm 84 years old.
Shoot the damn thing.
Sorry, I was taught that chalking is critical - to avoid any mis - Shoot! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Seems like enough.
- Not bad.
- Chalking.
So, what about you? Where'd you learn to play? Hmm.
At a bar I hung out in, in college.
Had a table in the back, and the most beautiful bartender you've ever seen.
I used to go there to shoot eight ball, but really that was just an excuse just just to talk to her, you know.
Nice.
Did you get laid? Yes.
Then I married her.
Am I blushing? I feel like I'm blushing.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
I can see why your father didn't want you to talk.
Ha ha! Funny but painful.
You know, I-I don't know if Gina mentioned this, but I was in renal failure, going to dialysis three times a week.
It was It was pretty bleak.
I came close to giving up.
Okay.
I think I know what this is.
I'm sorry? What happened? Hmm? Meredith talked to Gina, then Gina talked to you, and that why you're here? I-I'm not sure about the exact order of events, but I do feel like you and I share a common bond, a wound, if you will.
Uh, could you please put the ball down? I'm gonna count to ten.
Ah, and you're holding the ten ball.
On purpose? Happy accident? One.
Two.
Okay, I'll wrap it up.
- Uh, look.
- Three.
What would you do if the roles were reversed and you were dying? - What would you want Meredith to do? - Seven, eight Wouldn't you want her to live and be happy? - Nine.
- I'll circle back tomorrow for your answer.
Hey, I need your mailing address.
Madam, would you please take a card? - No.
- Why not? Because I don't know where they've been or who's touched them.
Okay.
Would anyone else like to take a card? I-I will.
I'm not afraid of germs or being delighted.
Ah, the seven of diamonds, everyone! Well, now You weren't supposed to tell me.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Hey.
You know what? Let-Let's try again.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Ah! The three of clubs! Who saw that coming? Hey.
You got anything going on tomorrow? No, why? 'Cause I thought we'd shoot some pool.
Yeah, sure.
I'd like that.
No talking, just pool.
You got it.
No talking, just chalking.
Is this your card, young lady? Who cares? Can you cut me in half? You know, with all that money, you could've bought a yacht.
Or a seat in Congress.
Very true.
Any regrets? Not one.
Harry, put the shoe down!
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 2 Transcripts