Operation Showcase

==Opening remarks==
*Barri: Of course, by now the rest of the common market countries will have realised how lucky they are that Britain has joined them. Britain has so much to offer the world.
*Phillips: I agree. Who else but the British could have built a vast motorway system, regardless of cost, covering the entire country where it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter which motorway you take you end up stuck in a gigantic traffic jam at either end.
*Voice: Who else but the British have an organisation respected and revered for its blinding and remarkable efficiency such as The Gas Board?
*Gasman: Huh, well there you are Gov. One gas poker fitted and in full working order, Mr Hayes.
*Barri: It's Mr Haynes actually and thank you, so much.
*Gasman: Course, it was the manufacturers fault in the first place that it took us six months to complete fitting the poker. I mean, we've been here often enough, Mr Hayes.
*Barri: Haynes actually and yes, you have.
*Gasman: Yeah, well, we'll be able to get somebody in to tidy up them floorboards for you Mr Hayes.
*Barri: Haynes actually and yes, of course. Now we've got a fire we shan't notice the draft so much. Here's something for your trouble.
*(Coins clinking)
*Gasman: Eh? Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. Well it won't go too far these days but it was a very nice gesture Mr Hayes.
*Barri: Haynes actually and I'm so sorry.
*(Coins clinking).
*Gasman: Ah, ta. Well, one gas poker well and truly fitted to the customer's satisfaction. Right, on to the next job. It's a gas lighter. Come on Fred, Charlie, Harold, Cyril, Algy, Cecil, George...
*Povey: And who else, but the British, would have an internationally renowned institution such as the public house? It's atmosphere is always warm, intimate, friendly and welcoming.
*(Horn noise)
*Barmaid: Time, gentlemen please. Finish all drinks, please.
*Man: Hey! Here just a minute. Here, wait, hang on. Here, that, here that can't be right, madam. Ca, ah, can't be right, here, hang about, here, there's one, one two three of you. I want, I want to speak to the one in the middle.
*Barmaid: Let's have your glasses, please.
*Man: I av, I'll have erm, I'll have a, I'll have a bath of a bitter. Yeah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. No, here, no, I mean, I mean, can I, can I have half of b, half of, blugh, can I have half of bitter please?
*Barmaid: No. It's long past time. Come along, drink up. Let's have your glasses please.
*Man: Here, hang on. Wai-min. I, I make it s-alf, bl-alf a minute to go. So can I half, can ah, can ah, can I have half, half a bitter please?
*Barmaid: I've already told you. No! Now empty your glasses please, come along, drink up.
*Man: (slurred) I only want half a bitter.
*Barmaid: I've already told you, no drinks after time, now drink up. Let's have your glasses.
*Man 2: Well I mean, that's a, that, that was pretty, pretty rotten I, I must say. H-how dare you treat a, a cragular rustomer derm, erm, a hah, hold on, hold... a regular customer like that.
*Man: Here, no.
*Man 2: What, hmm?
*Man: No, no. No I'm not a just, a regular customer. No, case you didn't know. I'm, brrrrm, I'm the landlord.
*Barri: But we do have the finest navy in the world and even they have their problems. I mean problem, H.M.S. Troutbridge. The one ship they wished they'd never launched. Worse still, they wish they'd never sent her on a goodwill mission with the rest of the squadron who are anchored off Gibraltar. At this very moment an urgent, top level meeting is taking place at naval headquarters.
Category:EpisodesCategory:Episodes with alternate titles