Who Will Go Fuhrer?/Script

Nice Peter: I’m Nice Peter!
EpicLLOYD: And I’m EpicLLOYD!
Nice Peter: And this is TDERB!
EpicLLOYD: Where we did the whole intro without messing up.
Nice Peter: Last time, Bieber was eliminated!
EpicLLOYD: He completely skipped over the fact that he got hit by the nuts, and Mario and Luigi came in again due to the perfection that is J.P. Morgan.
J.P. Morgan: *off-camera* I heard that!
Nice Peter: Shut up! And now we’re done with the– What are you three doing here?
Napoleon Dynamite: It’s 6 AM…
Darth Vader: You’re doing the intro sequence.
Eve: At least do it without a megaphone.
Nice Peter: Here on Total Drama ERB!
EpicLLOYD: We just said that.
*The scene cuts to the house*
*Napoleon Dynamite digs through Bieber’s trash and finds a drawing of him being stabbed in the heart*
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: Whose idea was it to stuff people in barrels? Their luggage is all over the place and you find some… weird things.
 *Eve, meanwhile, finds an apple on Adam’s luggage pile, with a note*
Eve: To my dearest Eve, who is the best in the competition… Aww…
Darth Vader: Can it, Eve. We’re in the final three. He was in tenth place. Don’t go all nostalgic over Adam.
*Darth Vader suddenly finds a stack of Hitler’s underwear*
(Confessional) Darth Vader: *in the fetal position* Ew… ew…
*Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD bust in the house*
Nice Peter: Challenge time!
Eve: By not using the megaphone, meaning not using it while we sleep.
EpicLLOYD: Whatever. At least the final 2 will have to undergo… Never mind. Your challenge for today is…
Nice Peter: Nazi!!
(Confessional) Darth Vader: You have got to be kidding me!
Nice Peter: We hid three vehicles all around the island. Some are more efficient than others. They are not the same kind of vehicle, and some are less heavily guarded than others.
EpicLLOYD: After you find them, you have to race back here. No travelling by foot. We must see the vehicle to say that you passed.
Nice Peter: Last one back here gets booted off the show.
Eve: And where’s our host?
Darth Vader: Don’t ask that…
Nice Peter: Well, we were supposed to get Hitler off the barrel…
*The scene cuts to the docks*
Hulk Hogan: I hope that guy lived. I don’t want my salary cut again.
*Hulk Hogan gets Adolf Hitler’s barrel and sees no one inside*
Hulk Hogan: But there wasn’t any corpse there…
*The scene cuts back to the house*
Napoleon Dynamite: So he’s dead?
Nice Peter: Who knows? Napoleon, you will have to go to the dining hall, Vader will go to the docks, and Eve will go to the campfire. Ready… set …go!
*Nice Peter shoots a gun upwards as some rubble from the ceiling fall and a bird falls, while the contestants run out the door.*
EpicLLOYD: Goddammit Mary!
Mary Doodles: Failed attempt.
*The scene cuts to the docks, where Vader is searching*
Darth Vader: Why would Peter send me to this god-forsaken place?
*Darth Vader lifts up a rock as a colony of ants spread all throughout his suit*
(Confessional) Darth Vader: *in the fetal position* Stop… doing… it…
*Darth Vader flicks the last ant as he finds a piece of paper*
Darth Vader: What’s this? Hello, my dear contestant, your first clue, is sitting right in front of you. Flip me over and you shall know what to do to get to the final two… That didn’t even rhyme. Who wrote this? Poe?
*The scene cuts to the dining hall, where The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is speedily and angrily writing on a Post-It note*
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: I was only hired as a cook, but I have to do this because of that lazy crook!
*The scene cuts back to the docks, where Vader is reading the backside of the note*
Darth Vader: Know this, my fellow friend, your goal isn’t far. Your vehicle isn’t for the air nor is it a car. I know it’s hard, a vehicle you must scavenge! What will make it easier is thinking back to the first challenge… The river! Oh wait, did Peter say Eve was going to the campfire?
*Darth Vader runs as the scene transitions to Eve at the campfire*
Thomas Edison: *carrying an unconscious Goku* Let’s just see if you’re impervious to–
Eve: What the fuck are you doing?
Thomas Edison: What are you doing? This spot was reserved for scientific purposes. *A jar with Goku’s preserved organs in it spills* Shit…
Nice Peter: Oops. Edison, go back to the lab. It’s their challenge time.
Thomas Edison: Fine… There was something burning in the campfire by the way. Might be yours, might not be yours. I don’t know, I don’t care.
*Thomas Edison grumbles and leaves as Eve approaches the seat she usually takes*
Eve: A note…  Challenger, you accepted the task. Now, where is the vehicle, you might ask. The answer is laying there beneath the fires of doom. Find a way to extinguish the flames and I shall see you soon. Okay then, Poe. Time to go to the river then.
*Eve runs for the river as Darth Vader laughs behind the bushes. The scene transitions to Napoleon Dynamite in the kitchen*
Napoleon Dynamite: This place… smells delicious. Oh my gosh, is it actual food?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Contestant, hello, welcome back to the place where you’ll get a heart attack! Oh my, I think I read the wrong script, anyway this is for you to decrypt. To see the thing that you will ride, this piece of advice I will confide: Don’t be a jerk, don’t risk it all, get out of here and answer the call.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
*A phone rings outside the dining hall*
Napoleon Dynamite: Thanks, Death!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Dammit Peter, that’s not what I meant, seriously though, what is that delectable scent?
*The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come leaves for the stove as Napoleon Dynamite leaves the dining hall*
Napoleon Dynamite: Hello?
Nice Peter: *from the phone* Hello, Dynamite. Congrats! You got the only clue without a rhyme. Anyway, you might want to go to the lake… I think Rasputin left something for you.
Napoleon Dynamite: Thanks!
*Napoleon Dynamite puts down the phone as the scene transitions back to the campfire*
Eve: I can finally put out the… wait what? Why is it already out? Let’s see… To the hillside you must go, this piece of information you must know: through land and sea, I must say that turbulence will be here to stay. Goddammit. Air travel.
*The scene is split to three with Napoleon running around the lake, Eve running up the hill, and Darth Vader walking up to the riverside.
Napoleon sighs as he enters a tank, Darth Vader jumps into the water and swims to find a submarine, and Eve enters a helicopter. Each of them grab the walkie-talkies in their respective vehicles.*
Final Three: Let’s do this!
(Confessional) Eve: Okay, air travel is bad for me. But then Nazi helicopter? Adam kiss Cleopatra if I know how to operate this. On second thought…
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: I felt so confident about driving that tank. But then I realize it’s a Nazi tank. They’re basically slipping Darth Vader a Go to Final Two pass card already! Gosh!
(Confessional) Darth Vader: You know, Hitler told me many things. And one of those things is how to operate one of the Nazi vehicles. Yes!
*Right away, they get to work. Darth Vader is already beginning to start up the submarine, driving it down the length of the river rather slowly at first. Napoleon Dynamite is soon following suit, flicking a couple of switches and hitting buttons before the tank starts up and he quickly runs over several trees. And Eve...*
Eve: Oh man, oh man...what even is all this? Uhh...
*She starts to press random buttons, some buttons not even turning out to be buttons. One even ends up ejecting her out from her seat.*
Eve: AAAAHHH!!!
*She goes tumbling down the hill, crashing against a tree.*
Eve: Oww, oww, owwwww... Okay, okay. I will not be beaten by a damn helicopter. I will NOT let stupid women stereotypes beat me!
*She runs up the hill once more, climbing into the helicopter. She turns the key, flicks a few switches, and grips the wheel tight as it begins to fly upwards.*
Eve: Oh man, oh man...
*Darth Vader rather easily glides the submarine down along the riverside. Several rocks start protruding out, blocking his way, but he launches a couple missiles out that explode the river, clearing it up and widening the river at certain points.*
Darth Vader: Too easy...
(Confessional) Darth Vader: The submarine was slow, I'll admit, but hey, I actually knew how to drive it. I was making my way down that river with ease. Napoleon? Eve? I doubt either of them know half the buttons they're probably pressing.'
*Napoleon jerks the tank oddly, moving back and forth as he attempts turning it at a very slow rate, more often than not destroying half the forest in the process.*
Napoleon Dynamite: Shit, shit, shit... AH!
*The tank bumps into a large boulder randomly located in the middle of the forest, Napoleon groaning as he tries to put the tank into reverse, having to hit several more buttons before it does and he barely manages to move around it.*
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: I don't even have my driver's license yet and they expect me to handle a tank?! I'm a nerd, not a freaking genius! Gosh!'
*Eve violently jerks around the air, constantly bumping into the door sides as she attempts to fly around.*
Eve: Come on, stop jerking around!! This looked so much easier on TV!
(Confessional) Eve: Ugh, this is so embarrassing...'
*Minutes later, Darth Vader pulled up on shore, the submarine beached as he got it up. Climbing out, he quickly ran a few miles to the house, where Nice Peter waited.*
Nice Peter: Where's your ride?
Darth Vader: It's back there on the beach. It's a submarine.
Nice Peter: Well, bring it here. Doesn't count until it's reached the house.
Darth Vader: Are you kidding me?! It's a fucking submarine!!
Nice Peter: We all live in a yellow submarine, now go get it.
(Confessional) Darth Vader: Ugh…sometimes I hate this place.
*Just as Vader gets back into his submarine, Napoleon pulls in, with his tank scratched up and covered in leaves*
Nice Peter: Looks like Napoleon’s in first!
Napoleon Dynamite (peeping out of the tank): Yes!
*an explosion occurs by the beach as Vader manages to get his submarine next to Peter*
Nice Peter: Darth Vader at second, meaning…
*Eve finally manages to land her helicopter on the shore, and walks out angrily*
Nice Peter: Eve is last!
Eve: Are you kidding? All that for nothing?
Nice Peter: Dynamite and Vader move on to the finale, so Eve, into the barrel you go…
Eve: Dammit. God, you better not take me!
Nice Peter: Is what I would say if our finale isn't going to come tomorrow... hopefully, so you'll just be helping Hulk Hogan and Macho Man retrieve the contestants.
Hulk Hogan: Hello, brother!
Eve: Wrong gender...
Hulk Hogan: Don't care... So since Hitler's gone, Tyson's nowhere, and Blackbeard is... Blackbeard, you'll have to get 7 barrels: Miley, Gaga, Palin, Joan, Cleopatra, Monroe, and...
Eve: Hold the fuck up, why do I get all the girls?
Hulk Hogan: We might accidentally disrespect some girls...
Eve: ...
Hulk Hogan: Anyway, you have to get Adam too.
Eve: Fine!
EpicLLOYD: And we're down to Master Chief and Napoleon Dynamite.
Darth Vader: Goddammit, Lloyd.
EpicLLOYD: Will Death's visions still come true? Will Macho Man get my latte after 20 episodes? And who will win the finale? Find out on-
Eve: Got Cyrus's barrel.
Miley Cyrus: Where's Napoleon Dynamite?! 
EpicLLOYD: Total Drama ERB! Now cut!
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script