Transcripts/The Dumpling Paradox

==Season 1 - Episode 07 - The Dumpling Paradox==
Scene 	Apartment 4A, the living room.
Howard 	Watch this, it's really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard's phone 	Did you say "Call Helen Boxleitner"?
Howard 	No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Howard's phone 	Did you say "Call Temple Beth Sader"?
Howard 	No.
Leonard 	Here, let me try. Call M'kflono M'kflooniloo. Heh-heh.
Howard's phone 	Calling Rajesh Koothrappali. (Raj’s phone rings).
Raj 	Oh, that's very impressive. And a little racist.
Sheldon 	If we’re all through playing mock the flawed technology, can we get on with Halo night? We were supposed to start at eight, it is now 8:06.
Leonard 	So? We'll start now.
Sheldon 	Yes, first we have to decide if those lost six minutes will be coming out of game time, bathroom time or the pizza break.
Raj 	We can split it two, two and two.
Howard 	If we’re having anchovies on the pizza we can't take it out of bathroom time. (There is a knock on the door.)
Sheldon 	Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Leonard 	(Opening door) Hey Penny, come on in.
Penny 	Hey guys.
Howard 	See a Penny, pick her up, and all the day you'll have good luck.
Penny 	No you won't. Uh, can I hide out here for a while.
Leonard 	Sure. What's going on?
Penny 	Well, there's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy. Well, anyway, she called me up and she's like “Hey, how’s California,” and I'm like “Awesome” ‘cause, you know, it's not Nebraska, and the next thing I know she's invited herself out here to stay with me.
Sheldon 	8:08.
Penny 	Anyway, she got here today, and she's just been in my apartment, yakkety-yakking about every guy she's slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard 	Well, is she doing it one thong at a time, or does she just throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse?
Penny 	He really needs to dial it down.
Leonard 	So, if you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?
Penny 	Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.
Sheldon 	You know, I apologize for my earlier outburst, who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?
Leonard 	Oh, I don't think she's a whore.
Penny 	No, yeah she's definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards, this one time, she was at... Where's Howard?
Howard 	(Voice off) Bonjour mademoiselle, I understand you're new in town.
Sheldon 	Oh, good grief!
Scene 	Penny, Sheldon, Raj and Leonard stand in the apartment doorway. Romantic music plays from Penny’s apartment door.
Penny 	Ugh, I cannot believe Christy let Howard into my apartment.    
Sheldon 	And I cannot believe people pay for horoscopes, but on a more serious note it's 8:13, and we're still not playing Halo.
Leonard 	Okay, fine, we'll just play one on one until he gets back.
Sheldon 	One on one? We don't play one on one, we play teams, not one on one. One on one!
Leonard 	Well, the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
Raj 	Oh, sure, cut the foreigner in half, there's a billion more where he came from.
Penny 	Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard 	Great idea.
Sheldon 	Uh, no. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion, and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny 	Why?
Sheldon 	Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny 	Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon 	This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve, there are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back-story.
Penny 	(Picking up a controller, there is the sound of an explosion from the television) Oh cool, whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon 	Mine.
Penny 	Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys.
Leonard 	It's the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon 	Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention that fact that sh.... (another explosion)
Penny 	Ha-ha! There goes your head again.
Sheldon 	Okay, this isn't at all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned, you need to give them a chance to-- (explosion) Now, come on!
Sheldon 	Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered, cover me.
Penny 	Cover this, suckers. Ha-ha-ha!
Leonard 	Penny, you are on fire.
Penny 	Yeah, so is Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Okay, that's it, I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and be this skilled at a video game.
Penny 	Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon 	What?
Penny 	This plasma grenade. (Explosion.) Ha! Look, it's raining you!
Sheldon 	You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny 	Gosh, he's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?
Leonard 	Well, to be fair, he is also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny 	Well, it's been fun.
Leonard 	You know, Penny, we make such a good team, maybe we could enter a couple of Halo tournaments sometime.
Penny 	Or we could just have a life.
Leonard 	I guess for you that's an option.
Penny 	Good night, Leonard.
Leonard 	Good night.
Penny 	As usual, nice talking to you Raj (leaves.)
Raj 	What do you suppose she meant by that?
Leonard 	She's an enigma, Raj.
Sheldon 	And another thing, there's a certain ethic to the game, Penny, a well estab...
Leonard 	She's gone, Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Well she could have said goodbye.
Penny 	(Entering again) Okay, I have a problem.
Sheldon 	It's called carpal tunnel syndrome, and quite frankly you deserve it.
Leonard 	What's wrong?
Penny 	Um, well, Howard and Christy are... kind of... hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard 	Are you sure?
Penny 	Look, I grew up on a farm, okay, from what I heard they're either having sex or Howard's caught in a milking machine. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?
Leonard 	No, take the couch, or my bed, I just got new pillows, hypo-allergenics.
Penny 	Uh, the couch is good.
Sheldon 	Hold that thought. Leonard, a moment.
Leonard 	Let me guess, you have a problem with this?
Sheldon 	Where do I begin?
Leonard 	It's up to you, crazy person's choice.
Sheldon 	Well first, we don't have house guests. Frankly, if I could afford the rent, I'd ask you to leave.
Leonard 	Your friendship means a lot to me as well. What else?
Sheldon 	Well, our earthquake supplies, we have a two-man, two day kit.
Leonard 	So?
Sheldon 	So, if there is an earthquake and the three of us are trapped here, we could be out of food by tomorrow afternoon.
Leonard 	I'm sorry, are you suggesting that if we let Penny stay we might succumb to cannibalism?
Sheldon 	No-one ever thinks it will happen until it does.
Leonard 	Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny 	Hu... what?
Sheldon 	He's engaging in reductio-ad-absurdum. It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result, and I do not appreciate it.
Leonard 	I'll get you a blanket and a pillow.
Sheldon 	Okay, well since I'm obviously being ignored here, let's go over the morning schedule, I use the bathroom from 7 to 7:20. Plan your oblutions and bodily functions accordingly.
Penny 	How am I supposed to plan my bodily functions?
Sheldon 	I suggest no liquids after 11pm.
Leonard 	Here you go.
Penny 	Thanks Leonard. (Arranges pillows on left of couch.)
Sheldon 	Hmmph, wrong.
Penny 	I'm listening.
Sheldon 	Your head goes on the other end.
Penny 	Why?
Sheldon 	It's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny 	I'll risk it.
Sheldon 	Hm!
Penny 	Anything else I should know?
Sheldon 	Yes. If you use my toothbrush, I'll jump out that window. Please don't come to my funeral. Have a good night.
Leonard 	Sorry about that.
Penny 	That's okay.
Leonard 	FYI, his toothbrush is the red one in the plexiglass case under the UV light.
Penny 	Got it.
Leonard 	Well, sleep tight.
Penny 	Thanks.
Leonard 	Funny expression, sleep tight. It refers to the early construction of beds which featured a mattress suspended on interlocking ropes which would occasionally... Sleep tight.
Scene 	Penny goes to sleep. Cut to view of the kitchen, where Raj is seen eating a sandwich. He lets himself out of the apartment. Upon hearing the door close, a startled Penny tries to go back to sleep, but quickly changes her pillow to the other end of the couch.
Scene 	The following morning. Sheldon is in the kitchen making breakfast. He crosses to the couch, sees Penny sleeping there, looks lost. He is about to sit down by Penny's head when Leonard enters.
Leonard 	What are you doing?
Sheldon 	Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard 	Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon 	Every Saturday since we have lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal...
Leonard 	I know, I know, look, you have a TV in your room, why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon 	Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.
Penny 	Uh, what time is it?
Leonard 	Almost 6:30.
Penny 	I slept all day?
Leonard 	Oh, no, it's 6:30 in the morning.
Penny 	What the hell is your problem?
Sheldon 	Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity, I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Howard 	(Entering) Hola, nerd-migos.
Penny 	Why do you people hate sleep? Are you wearing my robe?
Howard 	Oh, yeah, sorry, I'll have it cleaned.
Penny 	That's okay, keep it. Where's Christy.
Howard 	In the shower. Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt? Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
Penny 	Y-you used my loofah?
Howard 	More precisely we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out!
Penny 	You can keep that too.
Howard 	Ah, well then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
Christy 	(Voice off) Howard?
Howard 	In here my lady.
Christy 	(Entering) Mmmm, there's my little engine that could.
Howard 	chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka-chka (they kiss).
Sheldon 	Well there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
Christy 	Hi. Christy.
Leonard 	Leonard.
Sheldon 	I'm Sheldon.
Christy 	Right, you're Howard's entourage.
Penny 	Uh, so Christy, what are your plans?
Christy 	Oh, well, Howard said he'd take me shopping in Beverley Hills.
Penny 	Yeah, no, I meant plans to find some place to live. Other than with me, not that I don't love having you, but it's... a little crowded.
Leonard 	Penny, you're always welcome to stay with us.
Sheldon 	Oh, terrific, now we’re running a cute little B&B.
Howard 	Let me offer a little outside the box thinking here, why doesn't Christy stay with me?
Leonard 	For one thing you live with your mother.
Howard 	I do not, my mother lives with me.
Sheldon 	Well then, it's all settled, Christy will stay with Howard, Penny can go back to her apartment, and I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.
Leonard 	Sheldon you just can't dictate...
Sheldon 	No more talking, everybody go!
Howard 	So, what do you say, you wanna repair to Casa Wolowitz?
Christy 	What is that, like a Mexican deli?
Howard 	I'm sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier, my last name is Wolowitz.
Christy 	Oh, that's so cool. My first Jew!
Sheldon 	I imagine there aren't many kosher corn-huskers.
Christy 	But you're still taking me shopping, right?
Howard 	Anything you want.
Christy 	Okay, I'll go pack my stuff.
Howard 	When they perfect human cloning, I'm going to order twelve of those.
Leonard 	Howard, can't you see she's using you?
Howard 	Who cares? Last night she pulled off her blouse and I wept!
Penny 	Look, Howard, I know her, okay, she'll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.
Howard 	Really?
Penny 	Yeah.
Howard 	Yay! If you'll excuse me, I have some Bar-Mitzvah bonds to cash.
Scene 	A Chinese restaurant.
Sheldon 	I'm sorry, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Leonard 	We can't order Chinese food without Wolowitz?
Sheldon 	Let me walk you through it, our standard is, the steamed dumpling appetizer, General Tso's chicken, beef with broccoli, shrimp with lobster sauce and vegetable lo-mein. Do you see the problem?
Leonard 	I see a problem.
Sheldon 	Our entire order is predicated on four dumplings and four entrees divided amongst four people.
Leonard 	So, we'll just order three entrees.
Sheldon 	Fine, what do you want to eliminate, and who gets the extra dumpling?
Raj 	We could cut it into thirds.
Sheldon 	Then it is no longer a dumpling. Once you cut it open, it is at best a very small open-faced sandwich.
Chen 	Hi fellas. Oh, where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon 	He's putting his needs ahead of the collective good. (Pointing at waiter) Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
Chen 	I come from Sacramento.
Leonard 	Can we get an order of dumplings, but with three instead of four?
Chen 	No substitutions.
Leonard 	This isn't a substitution, it's a reduction.
Chen 	Okay, no reductions.
Leonard 	Fine, bring us three orders of dumplings, that's twelve, we'll each have four.
Raj 	That works.
Sheldon 	No, if we fill up on dumplings we'll need to eliminate another entree.
Chen 	No eliminations.
Leonard 	If we have extra, we'll just take the leftovers home.
Sheldon 	And divide it how? I'm telling you, we cannot do this without Wolowitz.
Leonard 	Wolowitz is with his new girlfriend. If you had let me invite Penny, then you would have had your fourth.
Sheldon 	Have you seen Penny eat Chinese food? She uses a fork, and she double dips her egg rolls.
Leonard 	We don't order egg rolls.
Sheldon 	Exactly, but we'd have to if she was here.
Raj 	Can we please make a decision? Not only are there children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
Leonard 	Here's an idea, why don't we just go out for Indian food.
Sheldon 	No.
Raj 	Uurgh.
Chen 	You are nice boys. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to bring you the four dumplings. When I'm walking over to the table, maybe I get bumped, one of the dumplings falls to the floor, no-one has to know.
Sheldon 	I'll know.
Chen 	(wanders away cursing in Mandarin.)
Raj 	How about soup?
Leonard 	Yeah, we can always divide soup.
Sheldon 	What about the won-tons?
Scene 	Outside Penny’s door. Leonard knocks.
Penny 	(Answering) Oh, hey guys, what's up?
Sheldon 	It's Halo night.
Penny 	Yeah. Okay. So?
Leonard 	Well, with Wolowitz spending all of his time with your friend Christy,
Penny 	She's not my friend. Friends do not get their friends' Care Bears all sweaty.
Leonard 	Right, anyway, uh, with Wolowitz occupied elsewhere, we had something we wanted to ask you. Sheldon?
Sheldon 	Yes. Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
Penny 	Oh, that's so sweet. But I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.
Sheldon 	You can't go out, it's Halo night.
Penny 	Well, for Penny it's dancing night.
Sheldon 	You go dancing every Wednesday?
Penny 	No.
Sheldon 	Then it's not dancing night.
Penny 	Look, why don't I play with you guys tomorrow?
Sheldon 	Tonight is Halo night! It's like talking to a wall.
Penny 	Alright, now Sheldon, you and I are about to have a problem.
Leonard 	Sheldon, remember, we role-played this.
Sheldon 	Yes, but you didn't portray her as completely irrational.
Penny 	Alright fellas, I gotta go. Good luck.
Leonard 	Maybe we should've asked if we could go dancing with her and her girlfriend.
Sheldon 	Okay, assuming we could dance, which we can't, there are three of us and two of them.
Leonard 	So?
Sheldon 	It's the Chinese restaurant all over again. I assure you that cutting a dumpling in thirds is child's play compared with three men, each attempting to dance with 67% of a woman.
Leonard 	Aaah, for God's sake, Sheldon, you are driving me crazy.
Sheldon 	Your anger's not with me, sir, but with basic mathematics.
Leonard 	No, I'm pretty sure my anger's with you.
Raj 	What's happening to us? We’re falling apart.
Leonard 	Who are you calling?
Sheldon 	The only man who can restore any semblance of balance to our universe.
Howard 	(Voice) Hi this is Howard Wolowitz.
Christy 	(Voice) And this is Christy Vanderbel.
Howard 	(Voice) We can't get to the phone right now because we’re having sex!
Christy 	(Voice) You're not going to put that on your message are you?
Howard 	(Voice) No, I'm just kidding, I'll re-record it. (beep)
Scene 	Outside Howard’s house.
Leonard 	Sheldon, think this through, you're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon 	No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know, sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapon systems.
Leonard 	You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms, and human contact.
Sheldon 	My point.
Christy 	(Voice from within) I'm just saying, you can take the damned plastic off the couch once in a while.
Mrs. Wolowitz 	(Voice) Why, so you and Howard can hump on it?
Howard 	(Voice) Ladies, ladies, I'm sure there's a middle ground.
Christy and Mrs. Wolowitz together	Shut up, Howard!
Howard 	(Voice) You girls talk, I'm going to take my scooter out for a little spin.
Christy 	(Voice as Howard emerges through door) Are you happy? You drove your own son out of the house!
Mrs. Wolowitz 	(Voice) Why don't you stop butting in where you don't belong?
Howard 	What are you guys doing here?
Sheldon 	It's Halo night.
Mrs. Wolowitz 	(Voice) He's not a man, he's a putz, and don't you take that tone with me, you gold digger.
Christy 	(Voice) What did you call me?
Mrs. Wolowitz 	(Voice) You heard me, and I'll tell you something else, you're barking up the wrong tree, 'cause as long as you're around, Howard is out of the will.
Christy 	(Voice) You know what? I've got better offers. I'm outta here!
Mrs. Wolowitz 	(Voice) That's right. Go back to Babylon, you whore!
Howard 	So, Halo night, huh?
Raj 	I thought she was the whore of Omaha.
Sheldon 	Shhh!
Scene 	The apartment, Halo night.
Howard 	Sheldon, you got him in your sights, fire, he's charging his plasma rifle.
Sheldon 	I can't shoot now, I'm cloaking.
Leonard 	Now, Raj, kill Sheldon.
Raj 	I can't see him!
Sheldon 	That's why the call it cloaking, dead man.
Leonard 	Well then start throwing grenades.
Raj 	I'm all out!
Penny 	(Entering with three other sexy women) Hi guys, my friends and I got tired of dancing, so we came over to have sex with you.
Leonard 	That will do, Raj, straight for the tank.
Sheldon 	We said no tanks.
Raj 	There are no rules in hell!
Howard 	Son of a bitch, medpack, I need a medpack!
Penny 	Told yah! (They leave).
Leonard 	There's a sniper, use your rocket launcher.
Raj 	All I’ve got is a needler, and I'm all out of ammo!
Sheldon 	And now you're out of life! Why did you hit pause?
Leonard 	I thought I heard something.
Raj 	What?
Leonard 	No, never mind, sorry. Go!
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)