Shrek Vs. Eric Cartman

Shrek vs Eric Cartman is the seventh What-If? Death Battle episode by KickTheBuddy7029, featuring Shrek from the titular DreamWorks franchise, and Eric Cartman from South Park. It is also the mid-season finale of the first season.
3/28/21 Edit: In case anybody gets confused about the comments prior to the mentioned date, this fight was previously "Kirby vs Eric Cartman" until I decided "Yeah, I'm not dragging myself to write a stomp match; one is enough." (plot twist: Kirby stomps Cartman horribly in every single way possible).
== Description ==
Shrek vs South Park! Both of these protagonists from franchises that changed comedy for the better are fat, flatulent and aggressive, but they're remarkably clever outside of their rough, explosive personalities. Will Shrek peel off Cartman's layers, or will Cartman teach Shrek to respect his authority?
== Interlude ==
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92H3Mscg7QQ)
Wiz: Bigger doesn't always mean you're slower and thus less dangerous.
Boomstick: And sure, you might fart a lot more if you're fat, but so do these two brutes, and they have just what it takes to put up a damn good brawl.
Wiz: Shrek, the green ogre who spends his days in a secluded swamp with his family.
Boomstick: And Eric Cartman, the aggressive, racist, and gullible only child of Liane. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
== Pre-Fight Poll ==
If you have any roots/bets, place them here.
== Shrek Boots DEATH BATTLE Out of His Swamp! ==
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ay_BkRuv-o)
Boomstick: SomeBODY once told me-
Wiz: Boomstick, I already told you to not reference dead memes before starting this.
Boomstick: Goddammit. No need to be a buzzkill.
Wiz: Shrek is a seven-foot ogre who, as you may or may not know, is based on the namesake character from the William Steig book. A lot of his background remains a mystery outside of the questionable musical, but according to Shrek's own words in Shrek the Third, his father was a cannibal who had attempted to eat him.
Shrek: He used to bathe me in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth.
Boomstick: What the hell? Even I wouldn't go that far. Anyway, during the first time we see Shrek, we see him scaring away a group of angry villagers from his swamp. Which initially paints him as an intimidating monster...
Wiz: ...until it's revealed he felt excluded from the rest of the world due to his sheer appearance, and that he's better off by himself.
Shrek: It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aaaahhh, help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me...that's why I'm better off alone.
Boomstick: His misery would be short-lived once he rescued a talking donkey named...Donkey. What a genius name.
Wiz: Donkey was being chased by guards from Duloc, up until Shrek scared them away without even having to lay a finger on them. Donkey was so grateful that he repeatedly annoyed Shrek until he convinced him to stay the night outside of his swamp.
Boomstick: Which could've been peaceful had it not been for fairy tail-
Wiz: Fairy TALE, Boomstick.
Boomstick: Whoops, I didn't mean to reference something that entirely consists of fanservice and filler. What I meant to say was it could've been peaceful had it not been for fairy tale characters, such as the Three Little Piggies and the Big Bad Wolf, coming over to Shrek's swamp.
Wiz: This happened to be the work of Lord Farquaad, who is based on Michael Eisner, mind you. This enraged Shrek enough for him and Donkey to travel over to Duloc, where they interrupted a tournament on which knight will rescue Princess Fiona. Farquaad didn't take this lightly, so he commanded every knight to kill Shrek for the title of a champion.
Boomstick: Good thing that backfired when Shrek defeated all of them using his wrestling moves. Farquaad quickly realized he underestimated this ogre, so he cut him in with a simple deal - if he were the one to save Fiona, he would get his swamp back.
Wiz: The duo went to a castle Fiona was locked away at, but entering was easier said than done, given how it was home to a dragon!
Boomstick: Don't worry, Donkey charmed the dragon and literally had SEX WITH HER.
Wiz: I have one question. How?
Boomstick: Balls of steel.
(Rimshot)
Wiz: Nobody's impressed, Boomstick. Shrek rescued Fiona and escaped Dragon by cleverly trapping her with chains. At first, Fiona was disappointed she didn't end up with a handsome prince, but overtime, she warmed up to Shrek, and they fell in love with each other.
Boomstick: That night, however, Shrek overheard a conversation between Fiona and Donkey right before he was about to confess his feelings towards Fiona.
Wiz: Fiona was sadly talking about how nobody could love an ugly creature. Thinking Fiona was talking about him, Shrek left heartbroken and returned to his swamp. This in turn also hurt Fiona, who went to accept Farquaad's marriage.
Boomstick: Unexpectedly, Donkey saved the day by informing Shrek that Fiona was referring to herself, and they crashed Fiona and Farquaad's wedding with the help of Dragon.
Wiz: Now that the sun had set by this point, Fiona permanently transformed into an ogre in front of everybody. Farquaad was left outraged and ordered his knights to execute Shrek once and for all, up until Dragon ate him alive!
Boomstick: Shrek's first journey ended with the dreaded animation movie cliche -- a dance party with a pop song playing throughout. I think I hate Shrek now just for introducing that.
Wiz: Over the next few years, Shrek would continue to have amazing adventures, such as stopping the Fairy Godmother from ruining his relationship with Fiona, defeating Prince Charming to get Artie crowned king, and reversing a contract that altered the universe.
Boomstick: None of these would've happened if it wasn't for Shrek being combat-worthy. To start off with, Shrek is strong enough to collapse a tree, lift up a large steel gate with one hand, and beat up armored knights while being restrained by dozens of them!
Wiz: If that wasn't enough, he could easily hold back Dragon with nothing more than chains and a sword. Speaking of swords, he cut easily cut through a knight's uniform with one. He could also casually throw Donkey in the air back and forth, with adult donkeys typically weighing in at 400 to 500 pounds, or 180 to 225 kilograms.
Pop-Up: The first movie wouldn't be the only time Shrek tossed Donkey, as he did it again in the Christmas TV special, "Shrek the Halls".
Boomstick: Shrek is capable of overpowering Puss in Boots with only one hand. Puss himself is tough enough to wrestle bulls even as a kid, punt someone to a faraway town, and cut through glass.
Wiz: On top of that, Shrek once tipped over a massive vat of magic while simultaneously carrying Donkey and Puss, and trying to avoid security guards. According to a relatively simple calculation, this is the equivalent to lifting up the mass of a tank.
Boomstick: He can arguably scale past Fiona, who held and spun around a disco ball that was so heavy that three other ogres needed to work together to throw it. Shrek can also easily upscale to Brogran, who smashed through concrete like it was nothing, and Pinocchio, who physically broke through a wooden door.
Wiz: Other things Shrek is no stranger to is pushing boulders, pushing around a carriage that could have crushed Rumpelstiltskin, and even throwing a champagne bottle at a pirate ship so hard that it sunk and caught on fire, which has been calculated at 2 MegaJoules!
Pop-Up: Shrek additionally accidentally pushed the entire ship with only one hand.
Boomstick: But perhaps the most important strength feat of Shrek is fending off those who can harm him, bringing us to durability. Shrek has shrugged off many long falls, one of which has ended up with him smashing through a ceiling made out of rock!
Wiz: He even lived through getting hit in the testicles from a large fall, and another time by Donkey!
Boomstick: How the fuck did he get Fiona pregnant then?!
Pop-Up: For reference on how powerful Donkey's kicks are, they can smash large glass windows to pieces.
Wiz: Shrek could withstand a direct attack from Dragon's fire breath, which can melt metal, turn people into dust, and bust a hole through a mountain. In fact, a smaller fireball from Dragon didn't even burn through his clothes, and he wasn't fazed by a flame from Dronkey!
Boomstick: Shrek was able to eat a fish that was killed by his fart, which is not only a durability feat, but a decent resistance to poison as well!
Wiz: He survived getting punched and kicked by Fiona for an entire day while walking a far distance, he took out a fire with his fingertips without any pain, he laughed off getting smacked by a tree thrown by Fiona, and he took a disastrous ship crash.
Boomstick: He didn't notice an arrow was shot through his asscheeks until Fiona pointed it out, and he can handle the shitty singing of Prince Charming, which can shatter faraway glass, and it only annoyed him at most.
Wiz: That's not the only singing voice Shrek can handle. He had no issues being around Fiona when she was singing, and her singing can make birds explode into nothingness!
Boomstick: Speaking of Fiona, Shrek was entirely unharmed after being in the epicenter of Fiona's true form transformation, which was a massive, blinding shockwave that filled an entire church!
Wiz: However, all of these are child's play when you compare them to the fact he no-sold hits from Dragon, who is able to destroy a bridge with merely her tail, which yielded in 0.1787728482739006 tons of TNT! For those not too familiar with large numbers, that is pretty far into the small building tier.
Boomstick: Shrek is a lot faster than his weight paints him as, given how he has no trouble keeping up with and tagging Donkey.
Wiz: Adult donkeys can run at a speed of 40 miles per hour when sufficiently motivated. Now it's weird knowing Shrek is on par with modern-day vehicles.
Boomstick: Well, he might be even quicker than them, considering how he effortlessly dodged and outmaneuvered numerous arrows that were shot by expert archers.
Wiz: ...oh yeah, that's correct. The typical bow can move through the air at 100 to 300 feet per second, which is well into the subsonic range.
Boomstick: Shrek is pretty damn acrobatic in general. He once ran from an angry mob so nonchalantly that he perceived the pitchforks thrown at him in slow-mo, and when he was cornered by pirates armed with swords, he set a treasure chest down on a wooden plank he was on to become airborne.
Wiz: He has reacted to fire from Dragon, caught a rapid-fire skull chain, he crossed a long bridge in five seconds, and he dodged a broom from a witch to where the witch was sent flying over hundreds of feet away. Push come to shove, Shrek is no slouch no matter how heavy he is.
Boomstick: He's way smarter than most people give him credit for, too. Instead of killing Dragon like how any cliche knight would, what he did instead was tie a bunch of chains around to get her stuck.
Wiz: Shrek is a master of stealth, as he disguised himself to sneak into a potion factory, he has sneaked up on angry mobs undetected, he disguised himself at a wedding as the bride, and he probably would have rescued Fiona without making a peep if it wasn't for Donkey.
Boomstick: When placed in a fight, Shrek will definitely use his environment to his advantage. Case in point when Farquaad's guards were ganging up on him, and he overwhelmed them by breaking a giant barrel of beer.
Wiz: In an alternate reality where Shrek remained a feared ogre, he gave Fiona a heap of trouble while sparring. Keep in mind that in this reality, Fiona had gotten a lot stronger and way more skilled in combat.
Boomstick: Overall, Shrek utilizes wrestling, painting, and resourcefulness. Which must be why he packs a lot of helpful abilities.
Wiz: His trademark ability is his own intimidation. Shrek is fearful enough to spook off angry mobs, knights, barking dogs, fairy tale creatures, and horses. He can even cause a chicken to instantly lay an egg!
Boomstick: Shrek's farts are very toxic, if his eating habits are any indication. They can kill organisms with ease, and this is supported with how Shrek himself stated if Donkey smelt it, he would have died. But that's not the best part - his farts can put out Dragon's fire!
Wiz: His senses are, for lack of a better term, insane, as he could hear a mob coming from far away despite having both of his ears jammed with wax, and he smelt brimstone when Donkey was unable to.
Boomstick: Shrek's burps are flammable, which is pretty funny since he can handle extreme cold perfectly fine, given how at the beginning of Shrek the Halls, he ran through blizzard-ridden mountains in his normal attire without stopping.
Wiz: For equipment, he only has one item - a knight's armor. This was used when he went into the Dragon's Keep, and it comes with a basic sword.
Boomstick: But with all of those being said, Shrek isn't exactly flawless, as much as I would hate to admit.
Wiz: There's...surprisingly not a lot of weaknesses.
Boomstick: Whoa, really? So maybe Shrek really is love and life!
Wiz: (sigh) Shrek loves to fool around at times, which can serve as a minor hindrance, and he has little to no long-ranged attacks outside of uprooting heavy objects. And last but not least, Shrek has a short temper that sometimes gets the best of him.
Boomstick: Oh well, at least Shrek has managed to make an impact on the animated movie industry with his debut movie, which is practically a 90-minute middle finger to Disney - and rightfully so. If you mess with him, his friends or family, you better hope you're prepared for a slow death.
Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant! Now, ogres? Oh, they're much worse! They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, and squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
== Screw You, DEATH BATTLE! Eric Cartman is Going Home! ==
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXA6maPNFVo)
Boomstick: Chances are, you already know what South Park is - one of the most controversial cartoons to have hit television. It's no stranger to offending everybody, and we mean EVERYbody. Nothing is safe from it.
Wiz: How is it so controversial, you may ask? Well, you can practically thank Eric Cartman, who is basically a reincarnation of Hitler, except short and morbidly obese.
Boomstick: You're exaggerating, right? He looks like the average American child.
Wiz: No, I'm not exaggerating. Cartman has accomplished many devilish feats over the years, such as grinding Scott Tenorman's parents into chili, getting the better of Osama bin Laden (ok, THAT'S not evil), creating satanic woodland creatures, starting a second Civil War, giving Kyle AIDS, driving a psychiatrist's husband to suicide by making it look like she was having an affair with a 14-year-old, and overall, possessing an immense criminal record despite being 10.
Boomstick: Damn, his father made a mistake not pulling out. But Cartman's scumminess doesn't mean he can't defend himself in a fight.
Wiz: When it comes to Cartman's strength...well, it's wildly inconsistent. In one episode, he knocked over a planetarium with a sheer kick, and in another, he sent a kid his size flying. But other than that, he's consistently portrayed as having the strength of an actual fat kid.
Boomstick: He alone caused the school to have the lowest Presidential Fitness Test score in the entire country despite everyone else doing average, he only gives hilariously weak slaps in fist fights, he cried after receiving a very light slap by Kyle, AND he got beaten up by Wendy, who is, more or less, a normal elementary girl.
Wiz: Not even his speed is immune. On one occasion, he dodged bullets during a school shooting, whereas most of the time, he is made out to be the slowest character in the series. He always struggles to keep up with his friends, he easily runs out of breath even after moderate exertion, and he came in last place during a Special Olympics race. Not helping is how he was once stated to be the slowest student in South Park Elementary's history.
Boomstick: But hey, at least it's safe to say his durability is better than his...well, strength and speed.
Wiz: Ya got that right, Boomstick. Cartman is able to withstand being - get this - anally probed by aliens, getting shoved up a cow's anus, and eating Chef's spicy tamales, which caused him to fart up fire several times!
Boomstick: That's only the beginning. Cartman has also survived a satellite being shoved up his asshole, car crashes, electrocution from a toaster while bathing, getting crushed by a bull, getting shot by George Zimmerman, and being burned alive!
Wiz: He lived through getting run over by a bus, being struck by lightning, and a harsh beating from PC Principal, who is strong enough to crush skulls and leave tiny cracks on walls. However, these did leave him with severe injuries, to the point where he was required to seek medical attention right away. It's also worth noting he's the least pain tolerant compared to the rest of his friends.
Boomstick: However, the area Cartman truly shines in is his intelligence. Cartman is an incredibly manipulative character. Don't get us wrong, he's a piss-poor student who regularly makes straight Fs, but hear us out. Cartman can pretend to be well-behaved to charm adults, he can make others believe he's on their side, and he is good at identifying what can get under people's skins.
Wiz: A few good examples are when Scott Tenorman tricked Cartman into buying pubic hair. How did he get revenge? Cartman trailed his parents into getting shot by a farmer, he grounded them up into chili, and then he fed it to Scott by swapping the chili. And to rub salt on the wound, Cartman invited Scott's favorite band over to see him crying, further humiliating him!
Boomstick: In another episode, a psychiatrist called Cartman fat to test his patience. So what did he do? He made fake chat logs and a fake police report to make it look like she slept with a 14-year-old, so she committed suicide over the phone to her husband!
Wiz: In the same episode, he harassed Nanny Stella into not having children, and he caused Jo Frost to end up in a mental hospital while sobbing and...dear god...eating her own feces.
Jo Frost: It's from Hell!
Boomstick: Cartman is highly proficient in cheating on tests (to where he taught an entire class on how to cheat), he disguised himself as a handicapped kid to enroll in the Special Olympics, and he has gotten groups to do his bidding, including drunk Confederacy reenactment actors, townsfolk, and construction workers.
Wiz: With that being said, though, Cartman's manipulation skills may not shine so brightly when you remember that the city of South Park is filled with morons, so Cartman really only excels at tricking people with low intelligence. After all, why else would Butters be his main target?
Boomstick: Even if those don't matter much, Cartman at least has some useful abilities in his disposal, such as his farts.
Wiz: Cartman's farts are so putrid that if he eats anything spicy or if the satellite in his anus malfunctions, he will fart out flames. In addition, his gas has caused a fully-grown soldier to profusely vomit before passing out.
Pop-Up: If Cartman farts near someone's face for an extended period of time, a lot of fecal matter will build up in his opponent's nose, making it difficult to breathe out of their nose. This has been estimated to take nearly a month to remove.
Boomstick: Although rare, Cartman is a user of very limited toon force. He can take out weapons from his butt, change into disguises by spinning around, and shove Disneyland up his ass. No, we're not making up the last part.
Wiz: Hilariously enough, Cartman has more weapons than one would expect. He has shown to wield a basic Glock a few times, but he suffers from having notoriously poor aiming. As a result, he relies on tricking his opponent to come up close before shooting them at point-blank range.
Boomstick: Cartman owns a syringe filled with apple juice, which increases the stench of his farts, and he has a flute he can use to play The Brown Noise.
Pop-Up: The Brown Noise is a flute note that will immediately cause anybody who hears it to defecate themselves. Should this ever go on for long periods of time, the target could likely poop themselves to death. Because of this, Cartman wears ear muffs whenever he plays it.
Wiz: His other items are rather basic and don't require explanations, such as a dagger, a mallet, a chainsaw, a kid tricycle, bear mace, a baseball bat, a Wiffle bat, a taser gun, and a TNT stick. However, perhaps the most powerful weapon has to be his v-chip.
Boomstick: The v-chip was installed into Cartman to give him an electric shock for each time he swore. This soon screwed up once he was electrocuted from an electric chair, so he ended up with the power to generate electricity from his hands, powered up by cussing.
Wiz: It proved to be strong enough to kill demons, including an undead Saddam Hussein, who was unscathed by a large flurry of rapid-fire bullets.
Boomstick: If need be, Cartman can turn into his superhero alter-ego, The Coon, who possesses sharp claws that can draw blood on skin and leave deep cuts.
Wiz: His speed is greatly boosted as The Coon, as he was able to disappear from the sight of police officers despite the room they were in being crowded with them. Still, despite Cartman being above the average American kid, he wasn't made without flaws.
Boomstick: Cartman is as strong and fast as a normal fat kid. On top of that, he has no formal combat experience, and he can easily be overpowered up-close, as he only fights through weak punches and scratches.
Wiz: Cartman's manipulation skills aren't really combat applicable either. Not only do they only work on idiots like Boomstick here, but his manipulation feats always require preparation, including getting to know his victim and strategizing on how to exploit them.
Boomstick: Outside of those, Cartman isn't particularly intelligent himself. I mean, this is the same guy who thought buying pubic hair would make him hit puberty right away, he thought he was "invisible" when he was naked in front of the entire school, and he has even been tricked by fucking BUTTERS of all people!
Wiz: He tends to underestimate his opponents, and he is very prone to cowardice. Plus, given how he's still a mortal kid, he requires basic human needs.
Boomstick: But all in all, pissing off Cartman is the last thing you would want to do. Who knows, he might just turn your parents into chili and fool you into eating them.
Cartman: You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey. Three strikes, Kyle - you're out!
== Intermission ==
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, and we've run the data through all possibilities.
Boomstick: It's TIME for a Death Battle!
== Pre-Fight ==
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucLJAvogLo0)
Eric Cartman was not having a swell day.
First off, he got beat up at the playground for shouting the racist word with the hard R at the end towards Token. Okay, sounds typical of him. But that wasn't the worst part. How could there be worse? Well, he had eaten Chef's spicy meatball subs for lunch, and they were not agreeing with his digestive system.
"Awwwww, feck!" Cartman cried. He was clinging onto his buttocks as he was trying to find a porta potty, or a shady truck stop restroom. Really, anywhere with a toilet would fulfill his needs. He was so distracted by his ultimate desire to poop, that he was completely oblivious to the fact he was no longer in South Park. He was sprinting through a forest, heavily panting and surprised he hadn't collapsed five seconds after exerting himself. "I gotta shiiieeeet so bayad! Universe, pleeease give me a sign!"
It was a good thing he didn't eat Chipotle, otherwise his anus would have signed a contract with the Grim Reaper already. He stumbled across a swamp with a wooden outhouse. "Finally! Oh, thank you, universe!" he groaned as he dashed towards the outhouse.
That was a mistake. He should have noticed the "Beware: Ogre" sign that was in close proximity to him.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wX0q2tmuNE)
He wasn't the only fat, short-tempered guy having a bad day. Shrek found himself occupied with his three children crying, his wife Fiona frantically pushing herself with backbreaking house chores, and his best friend, Donkey, attempting to cheer up the ogre's kids, but to no avail.
"No, Fiona, I'll handle it."
Explosion.
"No, Fergus. Don't put that in your mouth."
Splatter.
"No, Donkey, don't try and become babysitter."
"Uhh, do you like funny faces?" Donkey asked Fergus, Farkle, and Felicia. He made a goofy, toothy grin, but this only worsened the crying. He was running out of options, until he took out a sub sandwich. "Here ya'll go! Yum-yum!"
There was still crying.
"It's actually my wife's lunch, but, err...you guys can split it and eat it!"
Suddenly, it turned out Dragon was peering through the window, and she growled at Donkey. "Heh heh. Whoops," Donkey nervously chuckled, handing the sandwich back to his love. "Wait! I got a better idea!"
Later, Donkey was near a washing machine, with Shrek's children nowhere to be found. Shrek slammed the door open. "DONKEH! Where the heck are my children?!" his voice boomed. "Did you put them in the washer?!"
"Ah no, I'm just washin' their favorite blankets."
I got you there, didn't I? Anyway, Donkey wrapped each of the three ogre babies in their blankets, which quieted them down. Shrek wiped sweat off of his forehead and let out a sigh of relief. "That's one thing taken care of." Unfortunately, as soon as he heard a door creaking from outside, he knew there would be bigger problems ahead. Literally. "Stay back, Donkeh," Shrek said as he marched out. "I just heard something from the outside."
Donkey was worried for a split second, until he remembered something: this was Shrek. The same guy who rescued a princess from a dragon's keep and has been kicked in the nuts on three separate occasions, only to somehow raise three healthy children.
Shrek stumbled out and locked the door behind him. What he saw was completely unexpected: a morbidly obese, three-foot child sporting a blue winter hat with a yellow pom-pom, a red coat, gray pants, and black shoes. Cartman was relieved as he finished up dropping the kids off at the pool. "Much better."
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoaqyL2-qvM)
"Hey, you!" Shrek glared at the fat kid, pointing his giant index finger towards him. "This is mah swamp, and you are trespassing on private property! Now make like a drum and beat it, kid!"
"Now who da hell do yew think yer speakin' to?" Cartman challenged. "Can't a kid just take a shiet in peace? In fact, now that yew mention it, I ain't leavin'! I like it heah!"
Shrek cracked his knuckles and clenched his fists. "Alright, Jumbo, just know you made a fatal mistake!" Upon hearing the nickname the ogre had given him, Cartman was next to get provoked. "Don't call me fat, Green Giant cock-suckah!" Shrek's anger boiled, and he tightened his grip. "Time to teach ya some respect, Beef Boy!"
Cartman narrowed his eyelids at Shrek. "You really asked for it, motha'fucka!"
Shrek didn't take that insult aimed at his mother so lightly. He put in as much air into his lungs to declare the start of the fight...
"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"
== Fight! ==
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvpfCMvomz8)
Cartman's pupils shrunk as soon as Shrek released his ever-so popular roar at the top of his lungs. His first instinct was something that was natural to a cowardly kid like him: RUN. Following his own command, his heart pumped like never before, which was probably fair given how fat he was. Shrek took this as a challenge, and he chased after Cartman in hot pursuit.
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMM!!!!" Cartman cried for his mother at an ear-piercing volume. Ironic, considering the insult he just called Shrek. Sweat poured down his clothes as he desperately tried to search for a place to hide. As luck had it, he found a deserted tree house above him. "A-ha!" Cartman climbed up and slammed the door the moment he got in. Shrek followed him up and was far from pleased. "Awwwww, feck! I bettah barricade the entrance!"
Cartman took several boards and covered the tree house's door and window with them, making sure to tightly jam nails into the boards with a hammer. "That ought to hold that fatass."
Wait a minute. Something didn't feel right.
"Hold on, where did I get those boards from?"
Cartman turned around and saw that he used all of the boards that was originally placed on the back of the tree house. As a result, the back now left him in the open.
"Shiiii-et."
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUbmbXC99q8)
Shrek climbed into the tree house, and his teeth were clenched against each other. "Do you give up, piggy-wiggy?" he said as he smacked his fist into his open palm. "GODDAMMIT! I SAID DON'T CALL ME FAT!" Cartman leaped up towards Shrek, but he was none the wiser; Shrek grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and smacked him through the wooden wall of the tree house, leaving an imprint the shape of Cartman.
The ten-year-old devil fell face-flat onto a nearby pile of mud, and Shrek performed a suplex, digging him deeper in. The seven-foot ogre wrapped his heavy arms around Cartman's double chins, who instantly gasped for air. "Shhhh...go to sleep..." Shrek taunted. However, this ended up backfiring once Cartman left a harsh bite on Shrek's wrist.
(https://youtu.be/yxb8NBnMEaA?t=218)
He bolted up and screamed, letting the "big-boned" elementary student go.
(Bully - Prep Theme continues playing)
"Nice try, but let's see yew compete with this, ass-goblin!" Cartman brought onto the table once he took out a Wiffle bat. He repeatedly smacked it against Shrek's kneecaps, and...
...nothing happened.
"They don't make these like they used to, don't ya say?" he anxiously joked about. Shrek was unimpressed, and he ripped off a branch from a tree. "Yeah, I can compete with that." Cartman gasped, and he took out a real, wooden baseball bat. Shrek struck first, and the branch went right into Cartman's abdomen, and then his jaw. A fresh, dark liquid that was a combination of maroon and black spurted out of Cartman's mouth. He regained his balance and aimed his bat at Shrek's gonads. "Home run, bitch!"
THWACK!
As tradition has it, Shrek was slugged straight in his family jewels! He yelped in pure agony and dropped down to his legs, holding onto his bruising balls. "Oh...why...am I not surprised?" he weakly coughed out. He felt the impact, but it definitely wasn't instant, just like the edge of a table hitting your elbow, or stubbing your toe. The pain developed into his gut, and the slow, persistent aching had no signs of stopping. Shrek couldn't help but feel nauseous. Even when he got back up, the incredibly strong paining pulse lingered inside of him.
Shrek had no choice but to ignore the pain for the next few...however long this brawl was going to take. "That's funny, but let it be known I've had a donkeh kick me in mah keister, and I still managed to have kids!" Cartman wasn't in the mood for wisecracks, so he dug around his pockets and ended up with a can of canned bread. Whoops, I mean a can of bear mace.
The mace was sprayed directly into Shrek's eyes, which turned blood red. "Bear mace? Gee, that sounds delicio-AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!! I WAS WRONG!!! SO HORRIBLY WRONG!!!!" With his foe distracted, Cartman readied his trustworthy baseball bat again to deliver a huge blow against the back of Shrek's head. This wasn't left ignored by Shrek, so before the bat had a chance of hitting him, he grabbed it while Cartman swung it in midair.
SNAP!
With his fingertips, Shrek broke the baseball bat into two halves and ate whatever was remaining of them. "Tasty, but could use some more splinters for authenticity." Cartman became increasingly frightened. If he didn't act fast enough, he could be next to get devoured. "Holy shit, look behind! It's the Batmobile!"
"The Batmo-what?" Shrek questioned, raising an eyebrow. "No, really, look!" Cartman shouted. "That won't work on me, doofus!" Shrek barked. "I'm from the Middle Ages, as you clearly saw!" Well, it was worth a try. Cartman dug out his gun from his pocket, which he was planning to use if Shrek actually turned around. The gun was another unfamiliar thing to the ogre, but the end of it looked awfully similar to a shrunken down cannon, and cannons are things he has seen plenty of. Shrek's eyes widened, and he took a few steps back, slightly raising his arms in the air. "Easy there, tiger. Let's not be hasty here."
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVP_ZLxDP9k)
The forested area was ridden with dead silence as Shrek backed away to avoid getting shot, while Cartman was backing away as well - to get a good aim. Shrek noticed Cartman slowly place one of his fingers near the trigger, and Shrek already knew if that kid pushed that down, it wasn't going to end well for him. Whatever was going to come out of it, he had no idea, but he had to do something before he wouldn't live to tell the tale.
"You got any last words, shit slurpah? Or are you goin' to bow down to the kewl, legendary Eric Cartman?"
"I do indeed have some last words, and that would be to STAY OUT OF MAH SWAMP!"
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXnv9FyyKno)
Shrek jumped high into the air, using tree branches here and there to warm himself up. Cartman was rendered bestowed at the sight: an offbrand Green Giant hopping fifty meters into the air, rushing to him. Cartman got into aiming position and shot a few rounds of bullets, but all he succeeded in was shooting either the air, or a few birds that were previously flying in the sky (including a red bird that was slingshotted towards an army of pigs). Shrek pulled off a swift backflip once he was high enough to probably reach the clouds, and he landed on Cartman, who frantically shot. All of the shots missed except one.
BANG!
"Looks like I got some of yer ass, mothe- Oh feck. Where did my gun go?"
Shrek wouldn't have noticed a bullet penetrated through his buttcheeks if it weren't for Cartman pointing that out. Suddenly, both saw that Shrek's rough landing forced the gun out of Cartman's hands, to where it landed near a bush. They rushed towards it, and Shrek at first originally had the upper hand in speed, until Cartman used his short stature to his advantage by tripping Shrek over. Shrek was whammed into the muddy floor, and Cartman grabbed the gun back into his hand. Shrek heard him recharging the pistol. "Oh no you don't, bub!"
Shrek engaged into a tug-of-war for the gun with Cartman, and they occasionally rolled around. "You've had your last McDouble, fat fack!" Cartman shouted. "Oh yeah? Well, kiss my layers, Short Stack!" Shrek retorted. Eventually, the trigger was pulled, and a bullet sounded off. Fortunately, it didn't hit either of them, but the bullet did land on a deer that was passing through a trail. It collapsed as blood oozed out of its head. If this was Red Dead Redemption 2, both would've had their Dead Eye stat boosted to +5 by now.
"Ha ha! Looks like yer odds are fucked over at last!" Cartman howled. He pressed the trigger...and nothing came out of it. Absolutely nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Wyoming. "Dammit." Shrek smiled at his demise, and he grabbed him by his stubby legs. Cartman was repeatedly slammed into the ground while hung upside down. The finishing move was Shrek twirling him in circles above his head and tossing him away. Cartman flopped against the ground after that, producing a trail of blood, and he fell into a thorny bush. Shrek happily stared at his handiwork and walked away.
Would you have believed me if I said a spark of electricity came out of the bush and zapped Shrek? Because that's precisely what happened after he thought it was over. Cartman exited the spiky bush, utilizing his taser gun. Shrek was burnt hard enough to be left smothering in steam, and before he knew it, Cartman battered the ogre's stomach with his nightstick. "Get out of yer swamp? How about RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH?!"
This only pissed off Shrek further. "No, this ain't the 1950s, buddy." He took the taser and baton out of Cartman's grip by kicking his hand, and he slammed his foot down onto the ten-year-old's to get him off-guard even further. "OW!" Cartmanland's owner yelped out. While he was too busy clutching onto his foot and wailing "ow" nonstop, Shrek grabbed hold of the taser. "Hmmm, now let's see what this little thing does!"
ZZZZZAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!
Whoops, looks like he had it aimed at himself. Cartman swiped the taser from him to show him how it was done around here. "No, yew dumbass. This is how you do it."
BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Double whoops! Cartman also had the taser pointed at himself. Shrek took it back. "Oh, no. This is how you learn from a pro."
FZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
By now, both ended up tasing themselves so much that when they were electrocuted, their skeletons would periodically appear. "Gee, so it looks like one person - me - can't use this thing because they're not used to this fancy-schmancy technology," Shrek said, with his skin singed. "And the other person - you - is a fat moron down to a T!" That was what really set off Cartman. Having had enough of the 'fat' name-calling, he pounced onto Shrek's neck and bit down as hard as possible. Shrek retaliated by rocketing his tight fist into Cartman's arm, launching him back and making him slam into a log.
Cartman felt dizzy. The last thing he needed was his dinner from last night coming out of his other hole. As a matter of fact, he was so queasy that the satellite in his rectum started jamming up. The camera focused on the insides of his buttcheeks, which showed a toaster being plugged into an outlet, and two burnt slices of toast emerged from it. Gears and cranks booted up, and all of a sudden, Cartman tooted out fire! Shrek was amazed at what he had just witnessed. "Better out than in, I always say."
"I hope yew like meatball subs, ball-scratcher!" Cartman yelled as he walked towards the green beast, pulling his pants down for full effect.
FFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!
He passed as much fire as possible from his buttocks, but little did he know that Shrek had an answer to this. In under a second, he scurried around his pockets for a match, and after taking one out, he sucked in some air.
BUUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPPPP!!!
Every single deviantART user proceeded to drool in pleasure as Cartman tried to deal with Shrek with his flame-fueled farts, while Shrek gave off his homemade flammable burp (patent pending). Unfortunately, neither came out as winners in the gas-centered duel, as they only ended up getting set on fire from the opposing attacks. "Hey, is it just me or do you smell barbecue?" Cartman nonchalantly asked Shrek. But then the realization hit them like a boomerang: their bodies were on fire.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-QVZTKHfuE)
Both screamed bloody murder so loudly that it wouldn't be faulty to assume it could be heard from at least two hundred miles away. Their flesh were on the threats of being scalded into crisps, and for all they knew, they could have passed out from the heat. They could see their skins bubbling up, and blisters that formed were not great sights to bestow upon. Both of the short-tempered brutes rolled around on the ground to get the fire away, but Cartman's buttcheeks accidentally squeezed out a tiny fart, developing more flames. But the fight wasn't over yet.
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GqzHWiq_Bs)
If they were anime characters, they would have survived that due to "the power of friendship!". Wait, that only applies to Fairy Tail, not EVERY anime series. Anyway, they could thank their multitude of layers (or if you want the truth, their cartoonish durability) for surviving the flames, because before either of them knew it, they were back on their feet, ready for more. Shrek glanced at his surroundings, taking mental notes on what he could use to his advantage here. But he knew he wouldn't stay in his mind for long, because on the other hand, Cartman was going to play a flute. First, he had to ensure to put on ear muffs.
"Seriously? A flute? This ain't rehearsals, kid. But I see you know how you lack talent since you're blocking your ea-"
Too late. Cartman played a low note otherwise known as The Brown Noise, which made Shrek shit himself! On his pants, the mess looked worse than the aftermath of every video by HowToBasic, and Cartman couldn't help but laugh. So did Shrek, actually. "I can't believe I made yew shit yerself, man! That's hysterical!" The child of Liane wiped a tear from his eye, until he realized Shrek joined in. "What? Why are yew laughin'? You shat yerself, mayan!"
"Do you really think ogres care about personal hygiene? We're the same people who will gladly bathe in swamp muck and use slug slime as toothpaste! That was marvelous!"
Yeah, that was expected, not unexpected. "Now you've done it!" Cartman growled. He leaped away offscreen before returning within a split second. He was now dressed as a superhero raccoon in a gimmicky costume that he likely beat up a furry for. "Every town needs a Coon. And I'm the fuckin' COON!" Shrek only laughed harder. "Alright, pal, we'll see about that!" he chuckled as he donned a knight uniform and wielded a sword. Cartman shrieked out a dramatic war cry when he lunged himself towards Shrek, bearing his razor-sharp claws.
SHLING!
The ogrelord wasted no time to block the incoming slashing with his sword. "That's fine, I'm a lefty anyway," Cartman wickedly grinned. Shrek's eyes widened, and suddenly, Cartman made use of his spare left hand by piercing his claws into Shrek's chest. He dodged the first few swipes, but after the fifth or sixth one, it was no use. Cartman's nails were swung back and forth as Shrek screamed in great torment, and blood gushed out of his scratch marks. The cuts were deep, with crimson flowing out in a steady pour.
But if you thought this was the end of the DreamWorks icon, think again. Shrek refused to go down despite his tragic wounds. Cartman gasped upon realizing his target was still walking on this planet, so this time, he went for Shrek's head. However, any further slashings were cancelled out by Shrek's swords. "Superheroes are an overrated genre, buddy. Just look at any Marvel movie," Shrek snarked. "This should prove knights are better!"
"Hey, at least my franchise isn't a distant memory, cocksuckah!" Cartman replied. "Oh, please, as if your franchise is any better! Let's not pretend anybody else but teens with the attention span of a goldfish watch your show!" Shrek snapped back. "At least I don't abuse toilet humor and profanity every five seconds so it can be passed off as 'genius social commentary'!" As they were exchanging insults towards the other's franchises, Cartman attempted to get at least one scratch into Shrek's layers, but Shrek yawned as he constantly hindered each attack with his sword. "Come on, lardy! Let's mix this up a little!"
CLANG!
Almost as if his prayers were answered, Shrek's sword stabbed went deep into Cartman's claws from both of his hands right when Cartman tried to perform a double attack. The sword sliced through all of them at once as if they were butter, but this didn't stop Cartman, because there were still other options. He revved up his chainsaw and spun it around. Shrek became startled when Cartman slowly approached him, about to get down to business. "Ya got anymore unoriginal fourth wall breaks to say, douchebag?"
It was fortunate Shrek already looked at his environment earlier. He grabbed a log, but Cartman's chainsaw easily ripped through it...until splinters spread around the kid's face. "AAAAHHHHHH!!!!" he squealed. Now it was Shrek's turn to use a baseball-related saying. "Here, pitcher!" He smacked the sharp end of the log into Cartman's forehead, sending him into the air. Shrek hopped up to meet his opponent, and he drop-kicked him into the stomach. Shrek couldn't help but grin. All he ever wanted to do to human trespassers was give them rounds of knuckle sandwiches, and this is exactly what he was accomplishing. Just like a dream come true.
Much to their luck, they remembered they were high in the air. In fact, they weren't moving at all. They looked down, which made gravity work again (Warner Bros. is going to sue me for that), and they screamed at the same time as they fell down, heading for a cliff. They weren't entirely scared, though; they continued to trade blows as they were going to plummet to their possible doom. Cartman poked Shrek's eyes, while Shrek delivered a mean uppercut across Cartman's neck, which had more chins than the amount of pages in a Chinese phone book.
He kneed Cartman in the groin, ruining his chances of raising children in the future (not like that's a bad thing), and Cartman replied to this by going underneath Shrek's clothes. "Get back out here, you little coward!" Shrek demanded. His command fell on deaf ears, because the next thing he knew was a sharp bite planted where his ribs were. "AAAUUUGGGHHH!" the ogre cried out.
BAM!
They finally fell onto the ground, landing on pure rock at sixty miles per hour. Again, they survived, but not because of the dreaded "power of friendship" from Fairy Tail.
(Crickets chirp)
Fine, I'll stop poking fun at it; no need to grab your pitchforks.
Shrek tried with all of his might to get Cartman out of his clothes, but it was futile. Cartman bit as many areas as he could until he popped out of Shrek's shirt, mirroring that one scene from Alien. Both charged at one the other and punched each other at the same exact time. Cartman's last baby tooth flew out of his mouth, followed by a shiny spurt of blood, while Shrek had the wind knocked out of him, with ear wax being released from his nostrils.
They fell back and dropped down a few meters away from each other. Neither made the first move until Shrek raised his sword, his head still down, and Cartman distributed electricity around his body. They shared glares. They knew only one of them was going to die on the edge of a cliff soon enough. As per every lame fight by GoCommitDi, it was time to...ENTER THE FINAL BATTLE!(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-g3iiZdnQ)
Cartman's v-chip was in full motion. He levitated and cupped his hands together, which contained a bright shine that couldn't be ostracized. Unsure on what to do, Shrek held his sword tight and steady. "FUCK SHIT ASS COCK TITTIES RESPECT MAH GODDAMN AUTHORITAH!" the resident of South Park bellowed as a massive surge headed for Princess Fiona's husband.
Shrek put his sword in front of his face, which narrowly prevented him from getting zapped. The electricity was redirected at the Cheesy Poofs lover. He shouted in agony and fell onto a sharp boulder. That was when he knew he had to push his limits.
Shrek bounced around on nearby objects once Cartman was in the air again. "BONER MUFF PUSSY COCK BUTTHOLE BARBARA STREISAND!" Cartman shouted, tossing a bolt of lightning at Shrek. To pack more heat, he also tossed a TNT stick at the seven-foot creature. A large explosion detonated where Shrek was once the lightning and dynamite collided into him simultaneously.
KA-BOOM!
It was over. Sure, Cartman smelt like fried pork, and his hair was roughed up, but he took home the victory. He was used to nobody taking him seriously and having his schemes blow up in his own face (no pun intended). But the whatchamacallit that was trying to kill him was officially dealt with. He won. "Aww mayn! Everybody at skewl will think I'm so kewl once I tell mah friends about this!" he exclaimed. Cartman began walking away in triumph as the sun was close to setting.
Until Shrek ended up falling from the sky and landed on Cartman with his bare ass, and he stood up. "It's gonna take more than that to put me down, Porky. Now that I mention it, I know one good way to settle this."
"What?!"
"Using what our mothers gave us."
Shrek pulled down his scorched pants and prepared himself to break wind. Cartman followed suit. You know how the Krakatoa explosion is the loudest sound recorded on Earth? Well, their farts were going to surpass that. This was going to be the fart heard around the world, and the damage that would be done across the planet would not be very beautiful.
"On the count of three. Ready?" Shrek said. Cartman nodded and grew a devilish smile as he injected his apple juice syringe into his rear. They counted together.
"One?"
"Two..."
"THREE!"
BBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
Elsewhere in the world, Disney's stock market went down, thus eliminating their chances of having world domination. The fart also made Reddit's stocks slide down, losing all of their revenue from GameStop, so there was no more "kind strangers" wasting their money on Reddit Gold, and no more unfunny, overly-exaggerated stories on r/TIFU. The sheer force of the combined farts made Texas secede from the United States, which didn't turn out well for them despite their pretentious slogan, "Don't Mess with Texas". Every 14-year-old girl on Twitter decided that the sound of the colossal fart was better than K-Pop, so they stopped being highly obnoxious. Elon Musk was on Mars, but he heard the fart through a radio signal, and he jotted down "I have no idea what the fuck that was" on his clipboard he was using for notes.
The intense farts produced smoke that covered the screen. It eventually cleared off. Shrek was laughing, but Cartman was on the unlucky end: he was coughing nonstop and vomiting. "Mayn, what the fuck is wrong with yew?!" he shouted. "I thought mah farts smelt like shiet!"
"Consider it a breath of fresh air, crybabeh!" Shrek remarked.
"I'm gettin' outta heah!" Cartman used his remaining strength to ride away on his Big Wheel tricycle. Shrek didn't even have to put in any physical effort to stop him in his tracks. He walked over to the front of the preschool toy and took Cartman out of it. Shrek delivered a headbutt that went deep into Cartman's face. So much so, that his lips briefly sunk into his skin before popping back out, and he lost more teeth.
He dropped him onto the grass and climbed up a tree. Shrek spun himself at a 90-degree angle and crushed Cartman with an aggressive belly flop. He returned to his feet and firmly put Cartman against his stomach before skadooshing him into an abandoned mine shack.
Shrek barged in and advanced in front of the weakened Cartman. Before the kid who was wearing winter attire in the wrong season could make a break for it, Shrek wanted to make one more corny pun.
"Your fart was pretty crappeh in comparison to mine, so get ready to be mindblown."
Shrek kicked Cartman into the wall hard enough to leave a crack, and he fell on his back. Shrek stormed up and dug his sword deep into Cartman's huge tummy. His spleen and gallbladder spilled out, and he wanted to cry for his mommy again, but that's kinda difficult to do when you're occupied with being ripped alive. He really wished his heart wasn't beating right now, since at least he would've been dead already. But nope. He was alive throughout the entire process.
The sword sunk in further; Shrek was generous enough to leave Cartman's stomach open for any future buzzards. The executing move, was beheading Cartman. Luckily, it was a lot quicker, almost instant: Shrek's sword breezed through Cartman's double chins, thus ending the ten-year-old's life as we know it.
"Oh boah. Good thing Fiona and the kids can't see this."
Shrek put his sword away and removed his knight helmet from his head. He left the abandoned shack, whistling to All Star as he was on his way back to his swamp.
K.O.!
That night, Shrek was feasting on dinner with his family, as well as Donkey, Dragon, and Puss in Boots. He was telling them how the fight went, from beginning to end, although Shrek made sure to not go in too much detail. The last thing he needed was anybody puking all over the table. They laughed, until Donkey decided he had a question.
"So where DID that fat kid go?"
Back in the deserted mine shack, rustling in bushes were heard. Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, and Butters Stotch were searching for Cartman. "Great, where is that fatass?" Kyle queried. Suddenly, they noticed a familiar light blue winter hat, which was accompanied by a lot of burn marks and blood on the ground, leading to the mine shack.
They went in, and the first thing they saw was Cartman's rotting corpse, being eaten away by rats and maggots alike. Upon experiencing the sight of their befallen friend, Kenny muffled out one thing that he meant from the bottom of his heart.
"Eh, whatever. Who cares?"
Everybody immediately left without a care in the world. On the bright side, Cartman has always wanted to be "kewl". So, for all we know, he could be the first person to have "Death by fart" on their death certificate. That's something to deem legendary, isn't it?
== Results ==
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mYBSayCsH0)
Boomstick: I'm not complaining or anything, but that final fart was so loud that my ears are STILL ringing.
Wiz: Blech, talk about a disgusting fight. Extreme toilet humor and a gory death all in one? I lost my appetite before it even finished. Let's just steer our minds off of it by going over the verdict.
Boomstick: At first glance, this may have seemed like an easy win for Cartman, but the thing is, he's as physically strong and fast as a normal fat kid his age, while Shrek is consistently superhuman, being able to lift up trees, force open large steel gates, dodge and outrun multiple arrows, cross a long bridge in five seconds, react to fireballs, and casually set an entire pirate ship on fire and sink just by tossing a bottle at it!
Wiz: Sure Cartman has kicked down a planetarium, but that is rather inconsistent with his regular showings of being portrayed as a weak fighter. He may be able to survive a bolt of lightning, but it's important to know that he had to get hospitalized right away, making it negligible since that means he can't withstand attacks on that level without critical injuries.
Boomstick: Besides, his other durability feats, like being shot and getting into car wrecks, simply pale in comparison to shit like tanking long terminal velocity falls, being unscathed by a shockwave that covered a whole church, and shrugging off serious attacks from a dragon that's far into the small building tier.
Wiz: And because of Shrek's immense durability advantage, Cartman's equipment couldn't hope of putting down Shrek for good. The Glock can give an output of 570 Joules, while the v-chip's best feat is killing someone who survived a barrage of bullets from an AK-47, which has a firepower of over 2050 Joules. Both of these are far, FAR below 0.1787728482739006 tons of TNT.
Boomstick: And while South Park has been around longer than Shrek has, Cartman is, more or less, not as skilled or experienced in combat as the ogre is. Cartman's best fight was against Wendy, but even then, he was stomped pretty badly due to his low strength and how he lacks any formal experience.
Wiz: Shrek, on the other hand, will always use his environment to his advantage during combat, not to mention he's highly adept in wrestling, which he used against pirates and Farquaad's cronies.
Boomstick: Shrek is a lot smarter than the avid Cheesy Poof fan as well. Yes, Cartman is an extremely manipulative character, but you have to remember what his targets are - idiots. It's no secret Shrek has been tricked by Rumpelstiltskin into signing a deal that altered history negatively, but one failure doesn't mean he's always that dumb.
Pop-Up: While Cartman's feat of "manipulating" Cthulhu is usually regarded as impressive by a good chunk of other debaters, it should be noted Cartman didn't trick him - he only charmed him, which is completely different from outright fooling him. This is practically unimportant anyway, since South Park's version of Cthulhu shouldn't be compared to the real Cthulhu under any under circumstance.
Wiz: Shrek is a very quick-thinker who is multi-talented in many different subjects, while Cartman isn't all that smart outside of his manipulative abilities. I mean, come on, Cartman is the same kid who thought he could fly by using cardboard wings, was repeatedly tricked by Scott Tenorman into buying pubes, often makes straight-Fs in school, has tried to kill people with a toy baseball bat, froze himself alive to wait for the Nintendo Wii's release, and many others that would be too long to list.
Boomstick: But really, it's not like Cartman would suddenly manipulate him in the middle of a fight anyway. The final part we'll cover is...I can't believe I'm saying this...their farts.
Wiz: I'm gonna try not to giggle. While both characters have very smelly farts that could easily incapacitate people, Shrek's flatulence has been shown and stated on numerous occasions that it can kill living organisms. Cartman's gas, at the very best, only made a soldier pass out, making it inferior to Shrek's farts. What made matters worse for Cartman is how Shrek can resist the pungency of his own toots, so Cartman's wasn't bound to do much to begin with.
Boomstick: It looks like Cartman was "ogre"-whelmed from the start and should have checked himself before he "Shrek"-ed himself.
Wiz: The winner is Shrek.
Shrek (Winner)
* MUCH stronger by miles (+)
* MUCH faster (+)
* More durable (+)
* Smarter (+)
* More skilled and experienced (+)
* Yes he has a short temper, but it's not as bad as Cartman's (+)
* Lacks weapons and good range outside of a sword (-)
Eric Cartman (Loser)
* Probably more willing to kill (+)
* Actually had weapons and thus had superior range (+)
* Cartman had no chance of competing with Shrek in terms of physicals, and his equipment makes no difference in clearing that gap (-)
* Not as smart (-)
* Not as skilled or experienced in combat (-)
== Post-Fight Poll ==
Do you agree or disagree with the fight? Or are you neutral? Cast your opinion here.
== Next Time on DEATH BATTLE! ==
"ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!"
"WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!"
Angry Video Game Nerd vs Rick Sanchez