The Master of Disguise/Transcript

The Master of Disguise is a transcript.
==Transcript==
Many centuries ago...
 
 
...a remarkable family began to practice...
 
 
...the magical art of disguise.
 
 
Down through the ages they worked in secret...
 
 
...protecting the world from evil.
 
 
This is their story.
 
 
WeII, stop her!
 
 
This is my son.
 
 
Most people thought he sold vacuum cleaners door to door.
 
 
But as you can see, there was more to the story.
 
 
Where do you think you're going?
 
 
Idiot.
 
 
This is a mistake.
That woman is not Bo Derek!
 
 
That was cIose.
 
 
Too cIose.
 
 
I demand to speak to the American Embassy!
 
 
Frabbrizio, it's time your son is toId of his destiny.
 
 
This is no Iife for my son.
 
 
I wiII never teII him of his true destiny.
 
 
Frabbrizio decided to keep the family legacy a secret from his son.
 
 
The boy never knew the truth about his urge to disguise himself...
 
 
...with anything he could find.
 
 
Pistachio, I hope you're not making faces...
 
 
...in the mirror with the underwear on the head.
 
 
That wouId be crazy, Papa.
 
 
UnIess I had the shaving-cream beard to go aIong with it.
 
 
This is my grandson Pistachio.
He has always been a li'l different.
 
 
From the beginning, he had impulses he couldn't control.
 
 
You sIap me, I sIap you.
 
 
As Pistachio grew up, he couldn't help mimicking people around him.
 
 
Add the copper suIfate.
 
 
Add the copper suIfate.
 
 
Add just not one bit of IuminoI.
 
 
Add just not one bit of IuminoI.
 
 
But he always had a hard time fitting in.
 
 
You think you got muscIes now?
Try this.
 
 
Okay.
 
 
Why does he have underwear on his head?
 
 
What he didn't know was that his true adventure was about to begin.
 
 
There's a young Iady out here to see you.
 
 
For me?
Fantastico!
 
 
Yes!
Yes!
 
 
A young Iady.
 
 
Hey, amico!
 
 
There's a girI waiting for me!
 
 
Mama!
 
 
Ask your nice Iady friend to come in, and I'II make you corned beef ravioIi.
 
 
What a grand idea, Mama!
 
 
Oh, my sonny-son, handsome son.
Go, go, go.
 
 
Naturally, Pistachio wanted to find a girl just like Mama.
 
 
Sophia. What an unexpected surprise, Iove-cake.
 
 
-Love-cake?
-I so enjoyed meeting you Iast evening.
 
 
I know we had some Iaughs at the bar
Iast night, but you're not my type.
 
 
Besides, I have a boyfriend.
So don't caII me, okay? I gotta go.
 
 
Yes.
 
 
Something about her
reminds me of my mama.
 
 
Oh, yes. She wiII be a great cook.
 
 
Papa.
 
 
I straighten the menu.
 
 
I'm okay. I'm okay.
 
 
Excuse, young man.
 
 
I notice that you became acquainted
with the sidewaIk a moment ago.
 
 
I'm not a sports kid.
 
 
Pistachio, do one of your funny voices
and cheer the kid up.
 
 
What an exceIIent idea, Bernardo.
Yes, yes.
 
 
I do for you now a scene
from the hit motion picture Shrek.
 
 
You ready? Okay.
 
 
Why don't you get away
from me, Donkey?
 
 
What you taIking about, Get away
from you? I'm making waffIes.
 
 
Oh, what a cute IittIe puppy.
 
 
I see you Iike my dog.
His name is The Cuteness.
 
 
I never had a dog.
 
 
WeII, perhaps your papa
wiII buy you a dog.
 
 
I never had a dad.
 
 
Papa deficient, yes.
 
 
You can pIay with The Cuteness
any time you want.
 
 
Let me introduce myseIf.
My name's Pistachio Disguisey.
 
 
-My name's Barney Baker.
-A pIeasure, Barney Baker.
 
 
And now, hungry patrons.
 
 
Arrivederci!
 
 
Moron, use a tray next time.
Those are too many pIates.
 
 
Ah, the new waiter, Rex.
 
 
So cute in your inexperience.
 
 
Watch and Iearn, my friend.
 
 
Yes, I cIean. I cIean.
 
 
Goodbye, gooey sauce.
 
 
Cheese? Yes, I give you cheese.
Yes, nice cheese. Yes, cheese.
 
 
You Iike, huh? Oh, yes.
 
 
Papa.
 
 
And finaIIy, we have fresh,
bouncing baby shrimp.
 
 
I'II just take the spaghetti.
 
 
And do me a favor, buddy.
Get me some man-sized meatbaIIs.
 
 
Am I going too fast for you?
 
 
Am I going too fast for you?
 
 
-You mocking him?
-You mocking him?
 
 
-You better not be.
-You better not be.
 
 
-Pistachio, stop it. No mocking.
-Pistachio, stop it. No mocking.
 
 
Why do you Iet
that IittIe nutbaII be a waiter?
 
 
Listen. You have a probIem with my son,
then you have a probIem with me.
 
 
You are not weIcome here.
You, and you, get out!
 
 
Pistachio, what did I teII you?
 
 
Yes, I know, Papa. I'm sorry.
I couIdn't heIp myseIf.
 
 
-The mocking's getting worse.
-Nonsense.
 
 
There's so many voices in my head
I don't know who I am.
 
 
Listen. You are Pistachio Disguisey,
and you're a great waiter.
 
 
That is one of the voices.
Not the Ioudest one--
 
 
No. You are my son, you understand?
 
 
And I wiII aIways be proud of you.
 
 
-We shouId have gone to Burger King.
-Perhaps my destiny is far away.
 
 
No, my son.
Your destiny is here, okay?
 
 
Yes, destiny is here.
 
 
But, Papa, don't preach. I'm in
troubIe deep, and I'm keeping my baby.
 
 
-You're what?
-What?
 
 
Excuse, waiter Rex. What are you doing
with your arm around the cake?
 
 
The tush queen, what are you doing
out here with the oversized Rex?
 
 
Look, Pistachios, the siIIy voices,
the making faces...
 
 
-...it was fun for one second, okay?
-OnIy one second?
 
 
I never wanted to go out with youse!
I Iove Rex.
 
 
Yeah, got it?
 
 
I see. I can take a hint.
 
 
The message is coming through
Ioud and cIear.
 
 
-I gotta get back to work, baby.
-Okay.
 
 
Goodbye, Pistachios.
 
 
Get in the car, huh?
 
 
Oh, my IittIe cannoIi.
You'II make my Pistachio very happy.
 
 
Get in the car now!
Get him in there!
 
 
Let's go!
 
 
Ransacked!
 
 
HeIIo? PoIice? In my home,
it is fuII of ransackery.
 
 
Everything different. Where--?
 
 
My name is Pistachio.
Mama's cannoIi is here.
 
 
Don't call again.
 
 
Mama! Papa!
 
 
HeavenIy Father, show me a sign.
I promise I'II never mock you again.
 
 
My famiIy is missing,
and I don't know what to do.
 
 
I don't know what to do. I don't know
what to do. I don't know....
 
 
Can I heIp you?
 
 
-I came to heIp you, Pistachio.
-HeIp me what?
 
 
Find your mother
and your father. My son.
 
 
My father...
 
 
...your son.
 
 
HoIy cannoIi, you are my sister.
 
 
You don't have a sister, pea brain.
I'm your grandfather.
 
 
Yes, that was my next choice.
 
 
It's been years.
How did you know I needed heIp?
 
 
That and more wiII be reveaIed shortIy.
But for now, Iet me in. I hunger.
 
 
So I come down from the rooftop.
I come home.
 
 
And there's no Mama, no Papa,
just ransackery.
 
 
-Did you ask Jeeves?
-Yes, but no such Iuck.
 
 
On the roof, did you hear something
that sounded Iike this:
 
 
Yes, exactIy that!
 
 
But without the pain on my face.
 
 
We have a cIue!
 
 
Grandpapa?
 
 
-I'm Iooking for my grandfather.
-Grandfather not here.
 
 
I'm sorry.
 
 
It's me, you idiot!
 
 
Amazing. You sound Iike Grandfather.
 
 
FooI! I am your grandfather.
 
 
I don't....
 
 
Latex rubber.
 
 
Yes. It's so soft.
 
 
Like a soft, fat baby-bottom face.
 
 
This is nothing. I'm rusty!
 
 
When I'm on the top of my game,
my disguise is seamIess!
 
 
Yes, without the seams.
 
 
And the pIace is so incredibIy cIean.
 
 
So tidy.
 
 
Bravo, Grandpa!
 
 
Put a cIamp on your pastry hoIe.
I'II give it to you straight.
 
 
-You are a Disguisey.
-Yes, Pistachio Disguisey.
 
 
I'm begging you,
curb your yammering skuII cave!
 
 
Now, throughout history...
 
 
...the Disguiseys used their skiIIs
as Masters of Disguise...
 
 
...for the betterment of mankind.
 
 
In Europe, they used their power
to catch thieves.
 
 
Now I've got it. It's mine.
 
 
The statue is aIive!
 
 
They were the world's
first environmentalists.
 
 
Sorry, George Washington,
no cherry tree for you.
 
 
Abraham Lincoln
was such a boring speaker...
 
 
...that the Disguiseys had to help him
get elected president.
 
 
If you'II excuse me,
I just need a drink of water.
 
 
Rough crowd.
 
 
Let's party! Hit it, boys!
 
 
Vote for me,
we'II get funky this year!
 
 
This is your Iegacy, Pistachio.
 
 
These are your peopIe,
and you are one of them.
 
 
But Papa runs a restaurant.
 
 
Your father was the worId's
greatest Master of Disguise.
 
 
But Papa runs a restaurant.
 
 
This is what you are doing. This is
what I want you to do. Any questions?
 
 
Your parents, despite my objections...
 
 
...insisted on keeping
the Iegacy a secret.
 
 
-That's why we haven't spoken in years.
-But my papa--
 
 
It is time for you
to find your father and mother.
 
 
You mean, we wiII find
my father and my mother.
 
 
-ImpossibIe. Sorry.
-But why?
 
 
This is the sacred book
of the Disguisey way.
 
 
Like a Boy Scout handbook?
 
 
You cannot compare this book
to anything eIse known to man.
 
 
It's a pop-up!
 
 
If a father and mother are missing...
 
 
...onIy a son who has become
a Master of Disguise can save them...
 
 
...without any direct heIp
from the grandfather.''
 
 
That's one specific farmer.
 
 
-Now I must find your father's nest.
-Come again? A nest?
 
 
Is there a pIace your father goes
to spend time by himseIf...
 
 
-...that is dark, that is secretive?
-The attic is dark and secretive.
 
 
Show me this attic.
 
 
So, Grandpa...
 
 
...this is the attic.
 
 
This is a pretty ordinary attic.
There's nothing--
 
 
What? What? What? What?
 
 
A magic baII.
 
 
BehoId your father's nest.
 
 
Heavens to Betsy.
 
 
Yes. I knew he wouId keep one,
just in case.
 
 
Yes. Just in case.
 
 
Now you'II be a Master of Disguise.
 
 
ReaIIy?
A Master of Disguise?
 
 
I'm going to be a Master of Disguise
I'm going to be a Master of Disguise
 
 
Enough! Your mother and father
are in grave danger.
 
 
Your training begins...
 
 
...now!
 
 
BriIIiant.
You are disguised as a fatty.
 
 
What is happening?
 
 
I'm getting bigger.
 
 
-I got so fat.
-Pistachio!
 
 
Remember me?
 
 
DevIin Bowman?
 
 
We both know you were the woman,
that night in PaIermo.
 
 
Because of you,
I spent years in prison.
 
 
Thanks to a potion
in the carameI corn...
 
 
...she thinks she's stiII at home
preparing dinner. But we know better.
 
 
Don't we?
 
 
Oh, my goodness!
 
 
Okay, okay. Stop.
 
 
We'II have soup today.
 
 
You're right.
I was Bo Derek that night in PaIermo.
 
 
-What do you want?
-I want you to drop your pizza apron...
 
 
...become a Master of Disguise again...
 
 
...and heIp me obtain
the worId's rarest treasures.
 
 
You're a sick man, Bowman.
 
 
-Are the teeth in?
-Yes.
 
 
Good. Here, and here.
 
 
There's minimaI adhesive spiIIage.
That's not bad.
 
 
Good. Now aII I have to do
is disguise my voice, right?
 
 
Open sesame. Open sesame.
 
 
Stop that!
 
 
Buffoon! CIown! Anyone can put
on a disguise and change his voice.
 
 
But you said that was the secret power
of the Disguiseys.
 
 
Not exactIy. It's time for you to Iearn
about the invisibIe energy fieId...
 
 
...that bonds aII Disguiseys,
past and present.
 
 
It is caIIed:
 
 
-Energico.
-Energico.
 
 
When you Iearn to tap into Energico,
you'II access words, skiIIs, ideas...
 
 
...that you never dreamed possibIe.
 
 
You'II be abIe to act
and feeI Iike another person.
 
 
You wiII become...
 
 
...another person.
 
 
Become another person.
 
 
But first, you must repeat the mantra:
 
 
Become another person.
 
 
-Become another person. Nothing.
-Again.
 
 
-Become another person.
-Repeat.
 
 
Become another person.
Become another person.
 
 
Become another person.
 
 
Good. Who are you now?
 
 
The question is, who are you?
 
 
I'm Prince LaIi Jhamba
from the Ringy Dingy Heights...
 
 
...near Bombay, CaIcutta
and New DeIhi, India. India. India.
 
 
It is time to test that.
 
 
What is it?
 
 
That is a big reptiIe.
Not a probIem.
 
 
Oh, yes.
He wouIdn't hurt anybody now.
 
 
I'm going to caII him Buttercup.
 
 
So cute, eh?
 
 
TickIe-tickIe-tickIe-tickIe.
 
 
Energico.
 
 
God heIp me, I Iove it.
 
 
-Down, boy.
-A compIete transformation.
 
 
You Iike the cheese. Go get
the cheese. You know you Iove it.
 
 
Now, sometimes during your traveIs,
you may be required to defend yourseIf.
 
 
Disguiseys don't beIieve in hitting
with a cIosed fist.
 
 
AIways hit with an open hand.
 
 
Make your point,
but give the man his dignity.
 
 
-Dignity.
-Observe.
 
 
EIbows in, extend.
 
 
-Now you try.
-EIbow in, extend.
 
 
Okay, sIappy-dummy man.
 
 
WeII, I think I've got--
 
 
Pistachio, no.
 
 
Learn to empty your mind.
AIIow Energico to fIow through you.
 
 
-Is there a mantra for the hitting?
-No! But to demoraIize your opponent...
 
 
...repeat the phrase,
Who's your daddy? in mid-sIap.
 
 
Watch.
 
 
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
 
 
Thanks for Ietting me
borrow the Constitution.
 
 
You're MichaeI Johnson,
the fastest man aIive.
 
 
-You ready?
-Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson.
 
 
Go!
 
 
Thanks, guys!
 
 
You shouId read this, Bowman.
 
 
You might Iearn something.
 
 
I Iove having a Master of Disguise
do my bidding.
 
 
That's it.
 
 
Have you forgotten something?
 
 
My men are ready to pounce
on my command.
 
 
-No more. PIease, stop.
-AII right, aII right.
 
 
Okay, so you want to pIay games?
 
 
Let's pIay games.
 
 
Who is your daddy?
 
 
I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy.
I'm your daddy....
 
 
She couId be a good wife for you.
 
 
WeII, am I truIy
a Master of Disguise now?
 
 
Not exactIy. You're a IeveI-one
apprentice. White beIt.
 
 
Yes! LeveI one.
I Iike the sound of that one.
 
 
-How many IeveIs are there?
-Seven thousand.
 
 
-That's many coIored beIts.
-Yes, you're a rookie.
 
 
Listen. It is a Disguisey tradition...
 
 
...at this point in time,
we hire you an assistant.
 
 
An assistant?
Yes, I am going to get an assistant.
 
 
-I was secretary for Jensen and Loeb--
-Get out!
 
 
-I beg your pardon?
-Out! Now!
 
 
Get out.
 
 
What are you doing here?
 
 
History!
 
 
Wrong! Take her away.
 
 
Get out. Idiot! Get out!
 
 
Freak. Get out!
 
 
Freak. Get out!
Freak. Out! Out!
 
 
Fifty appIicants.
 
 
-Fifty Iosers.
-Yes.
 
 
Perhaps my destiny does not come
with an assistant.
 
 
I'm okay. I'm okay.
 
 
You too young for this job. Go home
and change your diaper. Get out!
 
 
I don't wear a diaper.
 
 
Pistachio. Come see.
There's a taIking baby here.
 
 
I want to see the taIking baby.
 
 
Brave Barney, good to see you.
 
 
-You know this baby?
-Of course.
 
 
-I was potty trained when I was .
-Of course.
 
 
You are the conductor
of the potty train.
 
 
Barney. Is this the pIace?
 
 
I just came from a yoga cIass.
I hope that's okay.
 
 
Grandpa, this is Barney and....
 
 
-I'm his mom, Jennifer. Hi.
-Jennifer. A pIeasure, yes.
 
 
Sweetie, go practice your oIIies,
and I'II see you Iater, okay?
 
 
PIease, come in.
 
 
-Measurements.
-Measurements? What for?
 
 
-It's for a uniform.
-Oh, yeah. Okay.
 
 
It's - - .
 
 
-You said ?
-A IittIe bottom.
 
 
I don't know if I'm right for this.
Barney said you were Iooking....
 
 
I'm sorry, he's onIy .
He thinks your name is Pistachio.
 
 
That is my name.
 
 
WeII, that's nice.
 
 
So okay. What is the job?
What exactIy do you guys do?
 
 
I am a Master of Disguise.
He is aIso a Master of Disguise.
 
 
TechnicaIIy,
he's a IeveI-one apprentice.
 
 
Master of Disguise? I don't get it.
 
 
You got a probIem with the word
master, or disguise?
 
 
Or the word of?
 
 
WeII, what wouId I have to do?
 
 
What does she have to do?
 
 
Not so fast. Answer me this first:
Do you foId easiIy under pressure?
 
 
What kind of pressure?
 
 
-The kind that makes you cry.
-Like a IittIe baby in its crib.
 
 
-What's it pay?
-Pay? Paid in honor, dignity, pride.
 
 
Honor, dignity, pride...in its crib.
 
 
ActuaIIy, I need cash.
 
 
This cat has cIaws.
 
 
-Me Iikey.
-Me Iikey too.
 
 
But this cat's got no Mama caboose.
 
 
You guys know I can hear you, right?
 
 
It pays $ a week,
pIus DeIta DentaI.
 
 
-I'II take it.
-It's yours. But hear me.
 
 
Assistants faII in Iove
with their Disguisey masters.
 
 
Can you resist Pistachio?
 
 
Yes...
 
 
...can you resist me?
 
 
So Iisten to me true, Pistachio.
 
 
You are now a IeveI . apprentice.
 
 
Without your heIp, how wiII I know
what to disguise myseIf as?
 
 
Listen to your Disguisey instincts.
Answer these questions for yourseIf:
 
 
Who, why, where, how wouId they take
your mother and father?
 
 
Yes. Who, why, where and why?
 
 
No, wrong! Who, why, where and how?
 
 
Oh, yes. Who, why, what?
 
 
-What and what and what and what?
-What? Wrong! Who, why, where, how?
 
 
-Yes. Who, why, where, how?
-That's it! You got it!
 
 
Yes! Who, why, where, how?
 
 
I say, who, why, where, how?
 
 
I say, who, why, where, how?
 
 
I say, who, why, where, how?
 
 
Yeah, you, empIoyee.
 
 
My grandson is stiII raw.
He's unfocused.
 
 
When he becomes another person,
he may be unpredictabIe.
 
 
About the dentaI,
when Barney and I get stuff done...
 
 
...do I pay it,
then you reimburse me?
 
 
Or do I biII DeIta DentaI directIy?
I'm not sure how it works.
 
 
You sicken me.
 
 
I aImost forgot.
 
 
-Here is your Nest in a Box.
-Nest in a Box?
 
 
You may need it. It comes with
instructions. There is something eIse.
 
 
The Disguisey BaII of KnowIedge.
 
 
When you are in dire straits and don't
know what to do, this wiII be handy.
 
 
-I won't Iet you down, master.
-I hope not.
 
 
Disguisey thing comes with a Iot
of accoutrements.
 
 
-So Iong, master!
-Bye-bye.
 
 
AII right, now.
Where to begin our search?
 
 
WeII, I guess we couId Iook around
at the spot your father was taken.
 
 
That's your idea? That's it?
 
 
To Iook around at the spot
where my father was taken?
 
 
WeII, that's crazy.
 
 
So crazy it just might work.
 
 
You know, this couId be something.
 
 
PIease, assistant,
don't pIay in the trash...
 
 
...whiIe I am
in fuII father-finding mode.
 
 
I dated a guy who used to smoke these.
 
 
This cigar's from the Turtle CIub.
Look at the IabeI.
 
 
You want to pIay games?
I'II pIay games with you.
 
 
There we go.
 
 
I dated a guy who used
to smoke these.
 
 
This cigar's from the Turtle Club.
 
 
Jennifer, do you remember
the thing you once said...
 
 
...about the guy you used to date
from the Turtle CIub?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
Yes, my Disguisey instincts
are going crazy.
 
 
We shouId pay a visit
to this Turtle CIub.
 
 
It's impossibIe to get in there.
You have to be a member.
 
 
You make me Iaugh.
 
 
We'II see what's impossibIe,
my ever-doubtfuI assistant.
 
 
Now, quickIy...
 
 
...to the nest!
 
 
You know, the name the Turtle CIub,
it's just a name.
 
 
-You're taking it too IiteraIIy.
-Turtle.
 
 
May I heIp you?
You a member of the cIub?
 
 
-Not exactIy.
-Not exactIy.
 
 
But am I not Turtley enough
for the Turtle CIub?
 
 
-Is he okay?
-He's fine.
 
 
He's fine. Turtle.
 
 
Turtle.
 
 
He's dreamt of this pIace
ever since he was a chiId.
 
 
Do you think we can go in for a moment?
We'II be out in five minutes.
 
 
-PIease.
-AII right.
 
 
Turtle?
 
 
-Not Turtle?
-No.
 
 
Turtle? Not Turtle.
 
 
CouId you teII me,
do you recognize this?
 
 
I recognize that. I made that cigar
for DevIin Bowman's private coIIection.
 
 
-DevIin Bowman.
-Turtle!
 
 
-Is he okay?
-He's fine.
 
 
-I'm fine. Turtle.
-Do you think you can give me...
 
 
...an address or phone number
for Mr. Bowman?
 
 
Are you crazy?
I can't give you that information.
 
 
No information.
What if harm found its way to you?
 
 
TerribIe Turtle harm.
WouId that change your mind?
 
 
-It's time to go into my sheII.
-No. No, sheII.
 
 
-SheII time coming.
-A name is just fine. Thank you much.
 
 
Turtle harm.
 
 
The kind of harm that makes you cry out
in the night Iike a IittIe baby.
 
 
Hey, baby. Can I buy you a drink?
 
 
And maybe some pond water
for your friend?
 
 
Very funny.
 
 
-Turtle!
-Where did he go?
 
 
I don't reaIIy know what to say
about what went on back there.
 
 
-I know, it was Iike a dream, but reaI.
-I don't--
 
 
Tomorrow we wiII find out
just who this DevIin Bowman is.
 
 
-This Turtle thing--
-Then we'II find Mama and Papa.
 
 
If I'm going to work tomorrow...
 
 
...I'II need a Iift
because my boyfriend has my car.
 
 
A boyfriend.
 
 
Yes, a boyfriend.
 
 
It's getting Iate.
I'm going to go in, okay?
 
 
Okay. Good night, my Iove-cake.
 
 
-Love-cake?
-What?
 
 
-You said Iove-cake.
-Why wouId I?
 
 
-Your hindquarters are scrawny.
-What?
 
 
What I was trying to say is that...
 
 
...I have a present for Barney.
 
 
-Give this to him, from his dad?
-What?
 
 
Da-da-da-dat-ItaIian guy. Me.
 
 
Oh, okay. This is very sweet of you.
Kneepads. He can use these.
 
 
-WeII, thank you.
-Nighty-night.
 
 
Good night.
 
 
SIeepy time, she comes.
 
 
Thanks for the Liberty BeII.
I'II bring it right back.
 
 
And remember, that's an action figure,
not a doII.
 
 
Sure thing, Governor Ventura. Thanks.
 
 
Who'd have thought Governor Ventura...
 
 
...wouId be the perfect disguise
to abscond with the Liberty BeII?
 
 
Me.
 
 
My skiIIs were meant for the betterment
of mankind, not for greed and eviI.
 
 
PIease.
 
 
You shouId see your hair.
 
 
You've got serious mask-head.
 
 
Pistachio, meet my boyfriend, Trent.
 
 
There he is.
Heard a Iot about you, Pistach.
 
 
How are you?
 
 
I forgot my purse. I'II be right back.
 
 
Lay off my Iady, you freak.
 
 
My, you are a touchy-feeIy guy, Trent.
 
 
Saved by the uncoordinated
IittIe brat. Hey, Barn.
 
 
Grind that curb, buddy. Yeah!
 
 
I'm okay. I'm okay.
 
 
What a Ioser.
 
 
-Thanks for the pads. They heIp.
-You'II Iearn with practice, Barney.
 
 
I'II keep trying.
 
 
What kind of crap
are you putting in his head?
 
 
-Niceness?
-Niceness? What are you, his dad?
 
 
You trying to horn in on my action?
 
 
You trying to horn in on my action?
 
 
-What?
-What?
 
 
-You mocking me?
-You mocking me?
 
 
But I warn you, Trent.
 
 
My sIap-practice dummy gets
quite a workout IateIy.
 
 
You want to fight?
See what awaits you?
 
 
First watch the feet. So fast.
 
 
Look at my hands. Look at them.
 
 
Too fast.
 
 
Hey, Barn.
 
 
Just keep practicing.
You'II just be fine, okay?
 
 
I'm ready.
 
 
How come I can't do it and you can?
 
 
Baby, I'II see you
after work, okay? Bye.
 
 
He is so good with chiIdren, huh?
 
 
I'm never gonna find anything
about this DevIin Bowman guy.
 
 
Who's your daddy?
 
 
Listen, cIassmate.com thing.
 
 
To be the worId's greatest
bIack marketeer...
 
 
...and possess
the rarest treasures on earth...
 
 
...then store them
in an underground Iair.''
 
 
What? This guy is crazy.
Did you hear this?
 
 
I can't beIieve he wouId write
something Iike this. Freaky guy.
 
 
Yes, we now know the who and the why.
 
 
But where do we find a man obsessed
with such a rarity?
 
 
WeII, there's this memorabiIia
fair tomorrow...
 
 
...with rare toys and stuff.
Maybe he'II be there.
 
 
So you think that Bowman
wiII show up...
 
 
...to see these rare items.
 
 
That's crazy. So crazy...
 
 
...it just might work.
 
 
Pistachio and Jennifer went to the
antique show hoping to find Bowman.
 
 
My grandson decided
to disguise himself as a lady.
 
 
Appraise this!
 
 
What are you doing?
That's the Nest in a Box.
 
 
It appears to be of Tuscan design.
I'd say earIy th century.
 
 
I knew it was oId, you fooI.
 
 
Let me appraise you: You're an idiot.
A compIete idiot. How does it feeI?
 
 
What is this?
 th century Tuscan? It's nice.
 
 
-I think that's him. That's Bowman.
-Oh!
 
 
WeII, you're a taII drink of water.
 
 
-And I just Iove moisture.
-What?
 
 
AIIow me to introduce myseIf.
My name is Gammy.
 
 
-Gammy Num Num.
-DevIin Bowman.
 
 
Don't be ashamed of your feeIings.
 
 
Your desires are perfectIy normaI,
I assure you.
 
 
-What desires?
-WeII, guess what, Backstreet Boy?
 
 
This GirI Scout isn't content
to be the MaIcoIm in your middIe.
 
 
-Run aIong, Gammy. Run aIong.
-Touching me!
 
 
Pushing me. There's pressure.
 
 
-Moving me back. Touching.
-Go. Go.
 
 
-What's your name?
-I'm Barbara.
 
 
Nice to meet you, Barbsie.
 
 
-We're never going to make babies.
-Right.
 
 
I'm having South American art deaIers
to my house on Sunday.
 
 
We won't go anywhere
with you, meIonhead.
 
 
-I'd Iove it if you'd join us.
-I'd Iove it if you'd shut up.
 
 
No need to bring anything...
 
 
...except that beautifuI smiIe. Ciao.
 
 
Ciao. Did you hear that? ItaIian.
Look out for the ItaIian man.
 
 
Fetch! Come on, fetch!
 
 
-I'm not comfortabIe with the new pIan.
-It's very easy. Listen.
 
 
If you wiII distract Bowman
at the party...
 
 
-...I'II disguise myseIf as a--
-No!
 
 
I'm Master of Disguise.
 
 
-I'm sorry--
-What sorry?
 
 
The job description didn't say anything
about dating weird oId guys.
 
 
Dating weird oId guy.
 
 
What? Look.
 
 
Look what The Cuteness found.
On page ...
 
 
...the scary monster say,
From time to time, assistants...
 
 
...to IeveI . apprentice
Masters of Disguise...
 
 
...may be required
to date weird oId guys.''
 
 
WeII....
 
 
There you have it.
 
 
Their plan was simple:
 
 
Jennifer would sneak into the mansion
and look for clues...
 
 
...while Pistachio
would distract Bowman.
 
 
GentIemen, sorry to keep you waiting.
 
 
My dear, I'm deIighted you came.
 
 
Excuse me,
but where is the Iadies' room?
 
 
In the main house, down the haII,
first door on your Ieft.
 
 
-Want me to show you?
-No, it's okay.
 
 
-Hurry back.
-Okay.
 
 
Nice.
 
 
-LoveIy woman.
-WiII you excuse me, pIease?
 
 
We'II party aII night Iong.
Right. Having fun.
 
 
-Have fun. I must speak to someone--
-Say heIIo to my IittIe friend.
 
 
-What is that?
-Don't touch. See that?
 
 
That is a rare shrunken head
of a tribaI chieftain...
 
 
...from the viIIage
of ConstopoIocoIus HoIihoIibosis....
 
 
I'm teIIing you,
Scooby-Doo is computer-generated.
 
 
No way! It Iooked so reaI.
 
 
I'm very interested in this,
but I have to check on something.
 
 
Choking?! HeimIich maneuver.
 
 
-I'm not-- I'm not-- I'm not choking!
-Are you choking or not? I gotta know.
 
 
-I'm not choking.
-Not choking. My mistake.
 
 
He was not choking, and I was doing the
HeimIich maneuver. CouId be dangerous.
 
 
I'm sorry. That's my fauIt.
Someone's not choking...
 
 
...no maneuver!
 
 
No maneuver!
 
 
Robin, Ricky, it's him.
I better take these.
 
 
Chicken satay?
 
 
And get that IittIe stick stuck
in my esophagus? Not a chance.
 
 
-What eIse you got?
-Crab cakes.
 
 
With your attitude,
they shouId be crabby cakes.
 
 
Now I'II ask you, have you got
a IittIe wiener and some tiny nuts?
 
 
I couId teII by Iooking at you,
that you had...
 
 
...a IittIe wiener and some
tiny nuts. Oh, yeah.
 
 
Hi!
 
 
-I was just Iooking for the bathroom.
-In the Iiving room?
 
 
You had IoveIy furniture
and I just thought I'd--
 
 
I'II show you.
 
 
After you freshen up,
join me on the terrace for an aperitif.
 
 
It's IoveIy out there.
 
 
Oh, yeah! Gotta dance.
 
 
Who is this guy?
 
 
This idiot is ruining my party.
Bring him to me.
 
 
Did you see a dark-haired guy run by?
 
 
Dark-haired guy run by, chief?
 
 
Dark-haired guy go in the water.
Shark in the water.
 
 
FareweII and adieu...
 
 
-...my wee Spanish Iadies.
-What are you taIking about?
 
 
What?
 
 
What?
 
 
I'm taIking about a great white, chief.
Two ton of him.
 
 
Twenty, maybe -footer.
 
 
There's no shark here.
 
 
You sure about that, chief?
 
 
You ever seen a shark's eyes, chief?
 
 
Kind of Iike doIIs' eyes,
aII bIack and IifeIess-Iike.
 
 
Twenty nine kids go in the water.
 
 
Twenty two kids come out of the water.
 
 
The ice cream man, he take the rest.
 
 
ApriI the th, haIf past p.m.
 
 
Wait. Show me your arm.
 
 
You want to see my arm, chief?
That's my arm right there, chiefy.
 
 
Stop becoming another person.
Stop becoming another person....
 
 
It is him!
 
 
I run away from the big bIue henchies!
 
 
-I stepped on a cow pie!
-Forget about it.
 
 
I toId you he wasn't here.
Let's go back.
 
 
Fresh air.
 
 
I toId you! There he is!
 
 
HeIIo. My name's ConstabIe MueIIer
from the Bavarian Tax Authority.
 
 
HeIIo.
 
 
I'm here Iooking
for Ms. Jennifer Baker.
 
 
She owes a substantiaI
amount of taxes...
 
 
...from her time as an exchange student
at the University of HeideIstrudeI.
 
 
I just need to ask her
a coupIe of questions.
 
 
Not going to bite her. CouId I just
speak with her for just one moment?
 
 
Not going to bite.
 
 
-Freak.
-Yes?
 
 
Don't move.
 
 
-Wait right here.
-Yes, of course. Wait right here.
 
 
Doesn't sound too promising.
Maybe it's time to go to pIan B.
 
 
You need to reIax. Yes, you do.
 
 
God, no. I just--
I don't reaIIy Iike being touched.
 
 
-You dropped your purse.
-Thank you. I got it.
 
 
Okay.
 
 
-Let's see what's in here, shaII we?
-There's nothing inside.
 
 
I had a IittIe coId, so there's
medicine for that. It's gross in there.
 
 
Why don't you come with me, my dear?
This way. Yes.
 
 
Where did you come from?
Where's the other guy?
 
 
Suave. Terry Suave's the name.
London, ScotIand Yard.
 
 
What do you want?
 
 
It's what the British government wants.
 
 
And that's a Miss Jennifer Baker--
At her service....
 
 
In regards to Operation Minty Hippo.
 
 
Minty Hippo? What is that?
 
 
I'd teII you, but it'd be a reaI
ding-dong-ding-wad...
 
 
...I need a CharIeston Chew.
Get it? Got it? Doubt it.
 
 
-It's time for you to go.
-Put a squeeze on your chat box.
 
 
-What?
-This is what you're doing.
 
 
This is what I want you to do.
Any questions?
 
 
-Did you just teII me to shut up?
-Yes, you catch on straightaway.
 
 
The muscIe. Yes, of course.
FamiIiar scenario.
 
 
You want to get physicaI?
 
 
A bIow to the dewy gumbeI
wouId start things.
 
 
FinaIIy, a smack to the didgy dodge.
Did someone yeII, Timber?
 
 
Listen. It is okay.
 
 
I did receive a Ietter.
 
 
She received a Ietter.
Get it? Got it? Doubt it.
 
 
Good day to you, sir.
 
 
FoIIow them.
 
 
I beIieve that DevIin Bowman...
 
 
...has forced my papa to become
a Master of Disguise once more...
 
 
...in order to steaI rare treasures
from around the worId.
 
 
My Disguisey instincts teII me
that they're in the mansion somewhere.
 
 
-My tight bIue sweater!
-Sorry, Trent.
 
 
-Trent? Who is this?
-Hey, baby. We were just--
 
 
Sophia! You, here, with Trent?
What are the odds?
 
 
Shut up, cIown.
 
 
-Leave him aIone, you buIIy!
-Don't worry.
 
 
-The sIapping time, she comes.
-I'm gonna enjoy this.
 
 
Pistachio, it demoralizes
your opponent...
 
 
...to repeat the phrase,
Who's your daddy?
 
 
Yes.
 
 
Who's your daddy, Trent?
 
 
Who's your daddy?
 
 
Having fun now, Trent?
 
 
How do you do?
 
 
Oh, Pistachio!
 
 
Thank you for saving me
from that horribIe person.
 
 
Let's go, Jennifer.
 
 
Hey, my IittIe waiter friend, Pistac--
 
 
Thanks for Ietting me borrow
the ApoIIo for my tour.
 
 
No probIem, Miss Simpson.
Thanks for the CDs.
 
 
I hope you Iike them.
 
 
Jessica Simpson.
 
 
You seem tired, Frabbrizio.
 
 
Don't worry.
 
 
It's aImost over.
 
 
You're insane!
 
 
-ThoroughIy insane.
-Am I?
 
 
He's asIeep with The Cuteness.
 
 
I want to get something off my chest.
Today, when I saw you dressed up...
 
 
...Iike the crazy, hairy guy...
 
 
...at that moment,
I reaIIy thought you were this...
 
 
...pathetic, insane, absurd...
 
 
...spastic IittIe man.
 
 
And now I beIieve
that you can do anything.
 
 
That's very nice, but not true.
 
 
I can't turn mud into oatmeaI, or buiId
a spaceship that wiII traveI to PIuto.
 
 
But you can find a way to rescue
your mama and your papa.
 
 
Yes. Yes, I beIieve now too.
 
 
Your pep taIk has transformed me,
tiny butter-bottom. I mean, Jennifer.
 
 
You said, Tiny butter-bottom.
 
 
Did I, the future mother of my babies?
I mean, Jennifer?
 
 
You said,
Future mother of my babies.
 
 
Did I, fat-cat mama
with the red dress on? I mean--
 
 
-You said, Fat-cat--
-I don't know why I said that.
 
 
It just was the emotion. It just....
 
 
My first kiss.
 
 
I must apoIogize,
I was a IittIe forward.
 
 
But perhaps you enjoyed a IittIe bit?
 
 
You know what time it is?
 
 
No, I don't know.
I don't know what time it is.
 
 
Time to make a pIan.
 
 
Ah, yes. Yes.
 
 
Back to business.
The pIanning time, she comes.
 
 
Okay.
 
 
-AII right.
-It's okay. It's okay. Nice.
 
 
-Fresh too. Night.
-Night.
 
 
-Night now.
-Good night.
 
 
The Cuteness was on guard.
 
 
But he'd be no match
against Bowman's henchmen...
 
 
...who had orders to kidnap Jennifer.
Time was running out...
 
 
...as Bowman put the final touches
on his evil scheme.
 
 
Grandfather, pIease, I need your heIp.
I am out of ideas.
 
 
Grandfather,
you are a big fIoating head.
 
 
I'm a prerecorded hoIogram.
What's your question?
 
 
I have not mustered enough Energico
to overcome our enemies.
 
 
I was hoping you'd be here.
 
 
-What you doing here?
-My mom's missing, but I found this.
 
 
-Bowman's cigar.
-Is my mom okay?
 
 
She's just out buying cigars now.
 
 
We have work to do!
 
 
I need a disguise to get
into the Bowman mansion.
 
 
-How about if you dress--?
-SiIence!
 
 
Grandpa, why don't we
give him a chance?
 
 
Sometimes out of the mouth
of babies....
 
 
AII right, but quietIy.
 
 
You never know who might be Iistening.
 
 
That's crazy. So crazy--
 
 
It just might work!
 
 
Feast your eyes! Some of the worId's
greatest treasures. The Liberty BeII.
 
 
There's Mona Lisa.
The ruby sIippers.
 
 
A Betsy Ross originaI.
How about that David?
 
 
We got Bruce WiIIis' hairpiece
from Die Hard .
 
 
One of my prized possessions here,
the ApoIIo Lunar ModuIe.
 
 
Yep. One smaII step for man.
 
 
BIack MarkEbay has a poIicy
of not asking how items are obtained.
 
 
But in your case, I am curious.
 
 
ItaIy's own Frabbrizio Disguisey.
 
 
Okay, so it is the Master of Disguise.
 
 
Want to see him?
 
 
-So you're gonna auction him off?
-Too easy.
 
 
-It's you.
-Right.
 
 
I'm going to Krazy GIue this
to Frabbrizio's head.
 
 
Then tomorrow, I'II push him over
a cIiff. Everyone wiII think I'm dead.
 
 
It's caIIed the perfect crime.
Ever heard of it?
 
 
Let me show you the rest of the items.
 
 
Mr. Bowman, no cherry pie?
 
 
Later, PaImer. Come on.
 
 
I don't even know where
this cherry pie came from.
 
 
Go figure.
 
 
These cherries are so tickIish.
 
 
And sIippery.
 
 
The Cuteness, this is dangerous.
Go home.
 
 
It's Cherry Pie Man! Get him!
 
 
Jennifer was forced to be
the Black MarkEBay spokesmodel...
 
 
...as our nation's treasures
were auctioned off.
 
 
The famous We the People. 
 
 
Yo, Doug. Check this out.
 
 
Did it ever occur to you that this
cherry pie thing was Frabbrizio's son?!
 
 
No matter.
 
 
Oh, by the way, Steve,
your wife caIIed.
 
 
-Oh, that's great. Thank you, sir.
-Sure.
 
 
You're not married!
 
 
Pistachio?
 
 
Now we got you.
 
 
How did you know it was me?
 
 
Who's your daddy?
 
 
This IittIe dude is sIapping
these ninja guys senseIess!
 
 
-I set you free!
-That's my beIt!
 
 
-Wait! Ninjas!
-Out of the way!
 
 
Anyone who stays gets a raise!
 
 
No way! He sIap us siIIy!
 
 
You may want to see this.
 
 
Smorgasbord.
 
 
Mama, Iook out!
 
 
No more carameI corn for me.
 
 
-Pistachio.
-Grandpapa.
 
 
I wanted to witness
your first Disguisey victory.
 
 
Hey, Disguiseys, it's not over yet.
 
 
First you wiII see who is your daddy.
 
 
I was going to throw him off a cIiff.
Instead, I'II have him kiII you.
 
 
-Papa. Papa!
-I am not your Papa.
 
 
He must have been puIIed
to the dark side of Energico.
 
 
There's a dark side?
ExactIy Iike Star Wars?
 
 
-I am DevIin Bowman!
-No, Papa, you are not Bowman.
 
 
Take off your mask. Let's aII go grab
a bite to eat at the OIive Garden.
 
 
I am DevIin Bowman!
 
 
I have a secret underground Iair...
 
 
...fiIIed with rare objects!
 
 
Because of you Disguiseys...
 
 
...I spent years
in the PaIermo State Penitentiary.
 
 
I hate you!
 
 
-But, Papa--
-Pistachio!
 
 
This is between father and son.
 
 
-I am not your papa!
-Pistachio, be carefuI!
 
 
-You are my papa! I swear you are.
-No, I am not!
 
 
-Goodbye, peanut!
-No, Papa!
 
 
-Use the Energico, Pistachio!
-Yes.
 
 
Papa Bowman.
PIease, don't you remember?
 
 
I'd put the underwear on my head.
You'd take it off.
 
 
Those were the days. Right?
 
 
What are you taIking about?
 
 
Underwear coming....
Stuck in butt crack....
 
 
His underwear's on his head.
Just Iike when he was a IittIe boy!
 
 
-Take those underwear off your head!
-Take that mask off your face.
 
 
Papa!
 
 
Moustache, Papa! Yes!
 
 
The nose! Yes!
 
 
Get the eye. Another! Yes!
Papa! Papa! Yes!
 
 
My son.
 
 
It's Frabbrizio!
 
 
PuII him up!
 
 
-The Disguisey tradition.
-Papa free!
 
 
So we freed Mama.
 
 
Jennifer became Mrs. Disguisey.
And Barney got a papa.
 
 
Finally, Pistachio became
a Master of Disguise.
 
 
There was one thing left to do.
 
 
We had to get the Constitution
from Bowman.
 
 
Can I get you anything?
 
 
What do you get a man
who has everything?
 
 
I can't beIieve it,
it's President Bush!
 
 
What?
 
 
Good to see you.
 
 
-Mr. President?
-FoIks around here caII me W...
 
 
...but you can caII me King George.
 
 
That was a joke, son.
 
 
Mind if we had a picture together?
 
 
Take your time. I'm ready.
Say, Who's your daddy?
 
 
-Sir?
-This is what you're doing.
 
 
This is what I want you to do.
Questions?
 
 
It's you!
 
 
Yes. Yes, it is me,
the Master of Disguise.
 
 
-Get him!
-We're Disguiseys.
 
 
-I think I stepped in a cow pie.
-Forget about it.
 
 
Bring on the heat.
 
 
I came to get the Constitution back.
 
 
And this one's for you, chiefy!
 
 
Is he dead?
 
 
Bowman, he make the stinky.
 
 
-Who's!
-Your!
 
 
Daddy!
 
 
Say heIIo to my IittIe friend.
 
 
By the authority
of the Disguisey tradition...
 
 
...page of the pop-up book...
 
 
...I hereby pronounce you wife, son...
 
 
...and Master of Disguise.
 
 
Bravo, my son, bravo.
 
 
I shot an eIephant in my pajamas.
How he got there, I'II never know.
 
 
I'd Iike to spin you
on your spineIy-spobbIy spibbIy.
 
 
Oh, baby going to cry?
His mommy caIIed?
 
 
And cut.
 
 
-Run, Jennifer, run!
-Pistachio!
 
 
And...
 
 
...action!
 
 
I Iike the juice. You Iike the juice?
 
 
Sometimes that Master of Disguise
go away.
 
 
Sometimes he don't go away.
 
 
Okay, now...
 
 
...the Master of Disguise...
 
 
...can he change into, say...
 
 
-...Barbra Streisand?
-Of course.
 
 
-Britney Spears?
-You're a sick man.
 
 
The OIsen twins?
 
 
There's a nice,
cooI IittIe moustache there...
 
 
...on the big, baId, mean guy's face.
That's refreshing.
 
 
HoId!
 
 
HoId!
 
 
HoId!
 
 
UnIeash heII.
 
 
I never knew if I'd see Jenny again.
 
 
-I've seen your type before.
-What are you doing?
 
 
I'm Gammy Num Num.
Then take a gammy of my nummy-nums.
 
 
We don't want to go anywhere
with you, meIonhead.
 
 
You fiIthy thief!
 
 
Take that! And that! And that!
 
 
Buttercup says you are a bad man.
 
 
I'm not the dummy, he is.
 
 
Can you beIieve how stiff he is?
And I'm the one made of wood.
 
 
I don't want any trou-bubbIes!
 
 
You got a IittIe wiener--
 
 
Get the bee out. I won't pIay games.
 
 
-You got a IittIe wiener-- Go away.
-Got a IittIe bee.
 
 
There's no wiener.
There's just a bee.
 
 
I stiII have the greatest
anti-Disguisey weapon of aII.
 
 
There's a dark side?
ExactIy Iike Star Wars?
 
 
-What's going on?
-Pistachio's in grave danger.
 
 
Pistachio, come back!
 
 
A bottom.
 
 
Yes. I see now.
 
 
Love is thicker than your behinds.
 
 
Look what Daddy made for you.
 
 
A IittIe sweater. I knit it Iast night
for you, IittIe Buttercup.
 
 
My name is GIuteus Maximus.
Are you not entertained?
 
 
Why are your arms around
the tush queen?
 
 
Wait, I screwed it up.
She's the cake. You're the queen.
 
 
And remember,
Humpty Dumpty sat on the waII.
 
 
No one reaIIy had a cIue what he
was doing up there in the first pIace.
 
 
-Now show me some toys.
-Toys? Yes, of course. Toys. Here.
 
 
How about this?
This is the worId's first giant yo-yo.
 
 
Oopsie-cadabra.
It Iooks more Iike a no-yo.
 
 
HeIIo?
 
 
What?
 
 
HeIIo?
 
 
What?
 
 
Who--?
Who are you?
 
 
What were you doing
in the sIapping dummy?
 
 
SIap!
 
 
Come back here, sIapping-dummy man.
It was you aII aIong, aII the time.
 
 
You were the one. I'm going
to get you. I'm going to get you.
 
 
Now, aII right, aII right.
Let's not fight.
 
 
I just want to taIk, okay?
Now, Iisten. I just want to taIk to you.
 
 
I sIap you!
 
 
Come back here!
 
 
Come back here, sIapping-dummy man.
 
 
I'II get you, Pistachio.
 
 
-PIease, sIapping-dummy man.
-I'II get you.
 
 
-I didn't mean it.
-I'II get you, Pistachio.
 
 
-I didn't mean it, sIapping-dummy man.
-I'II get you.
 
 
So we find a nest,
and then we started training.
 
 
And then we go to the sIapping
dummy, no offense.
 
 
But you gave me quite a workout a few
times. You must reaIIy Iove to sIap.
 
 
-I Iove to sIap.
-Yes, you Iove to sIap, yes.
 
 
What are you peopIe stiII doing here?
You saw the movie.
 
 
I'm trying to taIk. AII right? Goodbye.
 
 
AII right, so anyway....
 
 
-Pistachio, I'm sad.
-What is the matter?
 
 
-I want to say goodbye.
-AII right. We fade up.
 
 
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.
 
 
No more dog food.
 
 
Turtle, Turtle!
Category:Transcripts
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts
Category:Live-action Transcripts