Episode 515: Carol Burnett/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 515: Carol Burnett.
==Cold open==
 	Pops dances.
Pops 	Ohh, whoopee. Heh heh heh!
 	Carol enters.
Carol	Hello!
Pops 	Uh, who are you?
Carol	Well, I'm Carol Burnett and I'm supposed to be doing The Muppet Show tonight.
Pops 	Hey! Carol Burnett! Boy, are you in luck!
Carol	Oh — why, has the show been canceled?
Pops 	(chuckles) No, we're having a dance marathon tonight! See? I've got my number and everything! (displays a "31" on his back)
Carol	A dance marathon. My, what a fresh idea. Uh, it's after the show, I suppose, huh?
Pops 	No — during.
Carol	Oh. During? You mean, while I'm supposed to be doing my sketches and my songs, there's going to be a dance marathon going on?
Pops 	Well, yeah, but don't worry. You won't bother us.
Carol	Why did I know you were going to say that?
 	WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo	Terrific! Another contestant! What number would you like?
Carol	(picks up the phone) My agent's. I don't believe this.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show -- (glances up) -- with our very special guest star, Carol Burnett! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet sounds like an air raid siren.
 	
==Dance marathon==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Now first, the good news: our guest star tonight is probably the greatest comedienne, Miss Carol Burnett! (audience aahs) Yes! And now the bad news: I let Gonzo talk me into doing a dance marathon.
Gonzo 	Yowza, yowza, yowza! (blows a whistle) Hit it, boys!
 	The curtain opens to reveal couples dancing in a ballroom as a band plays an instrumental of "I'm Just Wild About Harry".
 	
Gonzo 	Round and round the couples go, till they drop and that's the show!
 	The band plays, and the couples dance.
Frackle (#10) 	Hey, hey, you know what sea monsters eat?
Frackle (#32) 	I give up.
Frackle (#10) 	Fish and ships! (laughs)
Woman (#36) 	Why do we keep dancing around in a circles?
Pirate (#62) 	Because, me wooden leg be screwed to the floor.
Old man (#17) 	I've put my golfing shoes on by mistake and my feet are killing me!
Zelda Rose (#80)	Oh? Why?
Old man (#17) 	I've put them on inside out. (groans)
Kermit 	This is just like our regular "At the Dance" spot.
Gonzo 	Yes, but it goes on for EVER! Ha ha! Yowza yowza!
 	
Waldorf 	Say, Statler, what's the first prize?
Statler 	Three weeks away from The Muppet Show.
 	Upon realizing this, they immediately partner up.
==Backstage==
 	The dancing continues backstage. Carol comes out of her dressing room and looks around.
Carol 	Kermit? Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, yes, Carol?
Carol 	Could I talk to you for a minute?
Kermit	Uh, sure. What?
Carol 	Well, I'm a little —
Gonzo 	Why aren't you dancing?
Carol 	Well, I — (to Kermit) Why aren't you dancing?
Kermit	(stammers) Uh — well, I — I don't have a partner.
Carol 	Ah. Well — (to Gonzo) I don't have a partner.
 	
Gonzo 	Well, that's okay.
Carol 	Well, good, then you'll excuse me from dancing.
Gonzo 	No, I'll find you a partner. (zips away)
Carol 	Kermit, I really don't want to hurt your feelings. Don't misunderstand me, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
Kermit	Well — what were the other two?
Carol 	There are no other two. I was just being kind.
 	Gonzo re-emerges with Animal.
Gonzo 	Here's your partner.
 	Animal growls. Carol screams.
 	
Carol 	What is it?
Kermit	Uh, well, that's Animal.
Carol 	Well — I knew it wasn't vegetable or mineral. Can you give me any other clues?
Gonzo 	Animal is your partner.
Animal	PARTNER!!
Carol 	Oh, no, no, now look, look, I am not dancing.
 	Animal bombards her towards the stage.
Carol 	I'm dancing. I'm dancing. Nice Animal. Nice. Nice.
Animal	NICE DANCE!
Kermit	Uh, couldn't you have found her another partner?
Gonzo 	Well, everybody else is taken care of. Except you. (chuckles)
Kermit	Uh — listen, I never really learned how to dance.
Gonzo 	Oh, relax! I'll lead.
Kermit	What?
 	
Gonzo 	You look lovely tonight.
=="Watch What Happens"==
 	Gonzo and Kermit dance their way to the stage.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen —
 	An air raid siren is heard. The music stops.
Gonzo 	Oh, it's a rest period!
 	The lights dim and the curtain closes. Kermit dodges the curtain.
Kermit	Okay, uh, good timing back there. Uh, uh, stand by, Carol, everything's going to be okay! Uh, uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, not only a brilliant comedienne, but also a great actress and singer, Miss Carol Burnett! YAAAAYY!
 	The curtain opens on Carol. As she sings "Watch What Happens", the dancers return, throwing her off-guard.
Gonzo 	(blows whistle) EVERYBODY POLKA!
 	The tempo changes as she tries to sing.
Carol 	Wait a minute — this is not the right tempo. This — this is a ballad thing where I'm supposed to pour my heart out — this really isn't … (continues singing) — Will you stop it?!
 	The music stops. The dancers pause.
Carol 	Just knock it off, you turkeys!
 	
Carol 	Now … hear me and hear me good. If you think I have come here to be made a fool of, by you … nitwits … you have cobwebs in the windmills of your mind. Now just SHUT UP! 
Let someone give his heart,
Someone who cares like…
Gonzo 	(blows whistle) HEY! CAN-CAN!
 	The dancers begin to can-can.
Carol 	Meeeeeeeeee…
Animal	PARTNER! PARTNER!
Carol 	(winces) Oh no…
Animal	PARTNER! DANCE! DANCE! HAHH!
Carol 	Kermit? KERMIT!
==Backstage==
 	The dancing continues backstage.
Gonzo 	(blows whistle) Change tempo! Let's do the Twist! Haha!
 	The band plays an instrumental of "Let's Twist Again".
 	
Miss Piggy	Kermie! Haha! You don't have a dancing partner, and neither do I!
Kermit 	Uh, no, no, no — uh, forget it, Piggy, I will not dance with you.
Gonzo 	Of course he won't. (nuzzles up to Kermit) He's my partner.
Kermit 	(flinches) Uhhhh — uh, Piggy, let's dance!
 	They twist away from Gonzo. Carol drags Kermit backstage.
Carol 	Okay, frog, let's talk.
Kermit 	Uh, now, now Carol, I, I realize that that first number was a little shaky.
Carol 	Shaky? SHAKY?? (rattles Kermit) You call that number SHAKY?!? Oh! (bursts into tears)
 	
Carol 	Sorry, Kermit, I'm sorry I've been scary, it's cause I'm so upset, that's all, I mean *sniff* after all, you promised me a variety show — where's all the songs? Where are all the dances?
Gonzo 	(whoosh!) Where's your partner?
Animal 	(whisks her away) PARTNER! PARTNER!!
Carol 	OH NO!!…
Kermit 	Carol?
Carol 	Kermit, what are you going to do about this??
Kermit 	Don't worry, Carol, the rest of the show will be great! Uh, Gonzo, quick, what's on stage now?
Gonzo 	What else? Dancing! (blows whistle)
==At the Dance==
 	The "At the Dance" music plays as the dancing continues.
Carol 	I uh, I don't suppose there are any more at home like you, huh?
 	Animal bounces.
Whatnot (#34)	You know the first thing we should do if we win this dance marathon?
Whatnot (#11)	No, what?
Whatnot (#34)	Stop dancing, dummy!
 	
Carol 	… Nice quiet foxtrot. What else could happen?
Animal 	TWO THREE DIP! AAAHHHH— (knocks Carol over)
 	Annie Sue dances with Link.
Annie Sue 	Link, what time is it?
 	
 	He looks at his watch, spilling his champagne glass.
Link Hogthrob	Uh, s' about um… uh … could somebody clean up the floor out here?
 	The Cleaning Lady comes out as Gonzo blows the whistle again and the music switches to a tango. A bird couple slips on the floor while she mops it.
Carol 	Wonder who the old bat with the mop is?
 	Animal gets buried in her gown as they tango. She fishes him out.
Carol 	You really are an animal.
Animal 	Ahahahaha. (they resume dancing)
Gonzo 	Yowza, yowza, yowza! Aren't these contestants putting on a great show? Come on, come on, put on a great show!
 	He blows the whistle, and the band starts playing "12th Street Rag".
Gonzo 	That's it, that's it! (checks his watch) We're six grueling minutes into this marathon … and still these contestants can really tear things up. But! How long can it last? (looks around) The bone-deadening fatigue will soon start to take its toll. … Soon every step will bring terrible agony. The muscles rebel! The mind goes numb! The hideous torture of never-ending pain and torment will re —
 	A Whatnot couple collapses on him. He gets up.
 	
Gonzo 	Ladies and gentlemen, our first dropouts! Haha! Give these kids a hand!
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Uh, Scooter, get those dancers offstage! Beauregard, get that scenery onstage! Come on now, move it!
Gonzo 	(whoosh!) What's that scenery?
Kermit 	Uh — I promised Carol a variety show, and she's gonna get one! That's Pigs in Space.
Gonzo 	But what about the dance marathon?
 	
Link Hogthrob 	(dancing with Strangepork) Oh, don't worry.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Ja, we worked out a compromise! Hee hee hee!
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	Open with a close-up of a disco ball, zooming out to reveal that it's in the galaxy outside the vehicle.
Announcer 	In our last episode, the crew of the Swinetrek had captured a weird alien creature.
 	
 	As Piggy examines the creature, Link and Strangepork dance to an instrumental of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon".
Miss Piggy 	Link? Uh — Strangepork? Will you two quit fooling around and help me communicate with this weird alien creature?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, why don't you dance with him? Dance is the universal language.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, thanks a lot, Strangepork — AAH!
 	The creature starts dancing with her as she shrieks.
Link Hogthrob 	I think she's beginning to communicate with the alien.
Miss Piggy 	Help!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	What's he saying?
Creature 	Mmm! Hungry! (devours Piggy)
Link Hogthrob 	Well, look on the bright side. She'll probably be happier in there. (laughs)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Mm, I know we'll be happier out here! (they laugh)
Gonzo 	(whoosh!) Miss Piggy, you'll be disqualified for not dancing!
 	
Miss Piggy 	Aw, come off it, Gonzo!
Gonzo 	There are no exceptions to the rules.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, all right, all right! (dances inside the creature's stomach) One, two, one, two, one and two, one and two,
Gonzo 	Fred and Ginger were never better.
Announcer 	Tune in next time for INDIGESTION IN SPACE!
==UK spot==
 	We return to the dance floor.
Gonzo 	Yowza, yowza. Welcome back to the dance marathon. Our contestants are rested and relaxed and ready to give you a great show!
Man (#13) 	Ready to give you a punch in the eye!
Gonzo 	(laughs) He's a great sport, huh, folks? So, here we go! (blows whistle) It's polka time!
Man (#13) 	Oh, great! I know a terrific polka!
 	They all start dancing and attacking each other.
Man (#13) 	
When you want to show your love,
Give your love a little shove!
 	
Dancers 	Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Zelda Rose (#80)	
In between the fancy spins,
Kick your partner in the shins!
Dancers 	Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Old man (#17) 	
Don't forget, before you stop,
Try a quick karate chop!
It beats the Carioca!
Dancers 	
Any PM, any AM,
Can be the merry month of mayhem!
So dance the Poke Me Polka!
Zelda Rose (#80)	Point your finger, jab a little jab!
Man (#13) 	Stab a little stab!
Lady (#89) 	And GRAB a little grab!
Old man (#17) 	Find a spot and pinch a little flab!
Lady (#89) 	If the party's drab, then call yourself a cab!
Man (#13) 	
Reach right out and grab your partner's wrist!
Give the wrist a twist till she says
Zelda Rose (#80)	OWWW!
Old man (#17) 	Stomp upon his toes and punch him in the nose!
Dancers 	You've got the rhythm now!
 	
 	A dog joins the dancers and band, who jump and yelp.
Dancers 	
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Don't forget, before you stop,
Try a quick karate chop!
It beats the Carioca!
Any PM, any AM, 
Can be the merry month of mayhem!
So dance the Poke Me Polka!
Dog 	Arf arf!
 	The music stops, and the scene ends in chaos. Applause.
==Dance marathon==
Gonzo 	(blows whistle) Everybody dance!
 	The band plays a slow song.
Whatnot (#34) 	Ohh! I hope this is over pretty soon!
Whatnot (#11) 	Not me.
Whatnot (#34) 	What?
Whatnot (#11) 	After it's over, I promised my wife I'd take her to the disco.
Young frog (#20)	Uh, you know they say that dancing can add years to your life?
Old frog (#28) 	Absolutely true.
Young frog (#20)	Well, how do you know?
Old frog (#28) 	I'm 23 years old.
 	Gonzo approaches the cleaning lady as she sways.
Gonzo 	I told you, nobody on the floor except dance contestants.
 	She reveals a #37 on her backside.
Gonzo 	Oh yeah? Where's your partner?
 	She displays a #58 on her mop.
 	
Kermit 	I don't think I can dance another step.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Well, during the next rest period, why not come up to my dressing room then, and… I'll loosen your collar and uh, heh, 	put you on the couch...
Kermit 	Uhh, did we come here to dance or to talk?
 	An ambulance siren is heard.
Gonzo 	Keep dancing! It is not a rest period! That was just another ambulance arriving. (blows whistle) Everybody limbo!
 	The band plays a Latin rhythm as the dancers wiggle under a limbo stick.
==Dressing room==
 	Meanwhile, a frustrated Carol packs her bag, sniffling.
Kermit 	Uh — excuse me, Carol, the door was open, and I just thought —
Carol 	Yeah. Yeah, you bet it's open. You bet it's open, Kermit. Because as soon as I'm packed, I'm going to be out that door like a shot. (sobs) I have never, ever been so humiliated and embarrassed in my whole life. How could you do this to me?
Kermit 	Uh, well, gee, Carol, don't take it personally. I mean, things have happened to other guests before.
Carol 	Other guests?!? Other guests — what, Julie Andrews?? She must have gone on for days and days! (mocks her) "The hills are alive with the sound of music …"
Kermit 	No, she didn't sing that. She sang "When You Were a Tadpole and I Was a Fish".
Carol 	Same thing.
Kermit 	Same thing?
Carol 	I tell you, Kermit, I am leaving, and that's it. I'm very sorry.
Kermit 	(over another siren) Uh, bu-but Carol, you gotta stay. I'll work out something where you can uh, where you can…
Carol 	No … no, I'm sorry, there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.
Kermit 	Oh, but gee, Carol, I just did want you to do your asparagus sketch.
Carol 	… My what?
Kermit 	Uh, well, I … I really wanted you to do your famous "lonely asparagus" sketch.
Carol 	(suddenly overjoyed) Oh, Kermit! Kermit, do you really mean that?
Kermit 	Yes. (nods)
Carol 	Oh, Kermit! When?
Kermit 	Oh, well, uh — soon! Right now.
Carol 	I'll change. (goes behind the board)
Scooter	Hey Kermit, they need you downstairs.
Kermit 	Oh, okay.
 	
Carol 	Ta-da!
Scooter	Hey, mister, you're in the wrong place. They're doing the vegetable soup commercial next door!
Carol 	Mister? I'll have you know I am a lady!
 	She whacks him, sending him flying out the door backstage. He gets up, cross-eyed, then faints.
 	
=="But Not for Me"==
 	Another siren is heard.
Gonzo 	Everybody dance!
 	The band plays a swing tune. Pan over to the cleaning lady, who sings "But Not for Me". Applause.
 	
Waldorf	There's no room to dance up here.
Statler	Sure there is. Do the box-trot!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Another siren is heard. A giddy Carol makes her way downstairs.
Gonzo 	Rest period!
Carol 	Woo-hoo! Kermit! Yoo-hoo! Okay! Now, huh? Now?
Kermit	Uh, well, yeah, well, now what, Carol?
Carol 	Now! Now it's time for my "lonely asparagus" sketch.
Kermit	Oh! Oh yeah! Sure, yeah. Well, as soon as the dance marathon is over.
Gonzo 	This is only a rest period.
Carol 	Well — when will the marathon be over?
 	
Gonzo 	As soon as everybody collapses on the floor and can't move.
Carol 	Of course!
 	She removes his whistle, takes off her hat and plops it on Kermit.
Carol 	For land sakes, how do you expect that to happen if you keep giving them rest periods?
 	She makes her way to the stage.
=="I Was Made for Dancin'"==
Carol	Okay, everybody — let's disco!
 	She blows the whistle, and the band plays a disco beat.
Carol	Come on, the rest period is over. (baby-talk) Time for you to dance those little tootsies off, because you wanna win, don't you? Yes, of course you do! Here we go! Good!
 	She sings "I Was Made for Dancin'".
 	
Carol	(to #17 and #80) That's it — no, you can go faster, because if you go faster, you see, you're liable to win! (they collapse) Good. (to a parrot couple) Now you can go faster. That's right, you can dance now more easily. Good. We're watching ya. (to a baby couple) C'mon, c'mon, you little darlings, you're so young, you shouldn't be tired! You can go faster! Yeah, that's right, just — (they faint) — speed it up! (to #11 and #34) Oh, good! Yeah! Faster, faster, faster, faster!
 	She blows the whistle, and a pair of penguins drop. As she continues the song, the tempo increases, and more and more dancers fall until they've all collapsed, except for one blue Whatnot couple. Applause.
Carol	All right! This is the winning couple! And now, onto the "lonely asparagus" sketch! (dons her hat) Thank you so much.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, we've danced our troubles away — maybe. But before we go, let us thank our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the queen of comedy, CAROL BURNETT! YAAAAYYY!
 	She emerges, tugging her ear.
Carol 	Thank you so much, but hey — (whistles) woo-oo! Hold it! You ain't seen nothing yet. Now, it's time for my "lonely asparagus" sketch.
Gonzo 	(whoosh!) Wait! First we have to award the prize to the winning dancers!
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Uh, actually, I'll take the prize. These winners are really robots I invented in Muppet Labs.
Gonzo 	Robots?! It's against the rules! No prize will be given.
 	The outraged dancers chase him offstage.
Dancers 	Get him! Get him!
Carol 	Kermit, Kermit — Kermit, I don't care about all this. When do I get to do my sketch?
Kermit 	Uh, I'm sorry, but we're out of time right now. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Carol 	OUT OF TIME?!?
Kermit 	(stammers)
 	She straddles him. Gonzo runs away from the dancers.
Carol 	You promised me that I could do the sketch!!	I was on my way out the door … LOOK AT ME! You gave me your word!
 	The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll. In place of the Statler & Waldorf button, Carol attempts to do her sketch…
 	
Carol 	O, what a sad and lonely asparagus am I! Most of my hollandaise are behind me …
 	The band finishes the theme.
Carol 	Oh, rats.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts