LT Bloopers/Episode Guide/Transcript(Looney Tunes intro Bloopers 51)

(Some text of narration appears over the Looney Tunes rings, with characters reading out loud.)
Dave: (narrating) Convinced that he was becoming a control freak and needing relief, Sam conceded to have Anna calm him down with psychiatric therapy.
Anna: (narrating) Two weeks of sessions did the trick, and I declared Sam ready to return to work.
(Cut to the studio)
Sam: I feel better than ever now.
Anna: Do you promise not to act like a control freak again?
Sam: It's all in the past, Anna.
Anna: Just remember: I'll always be there to help you.
Sam: Then let's get things started. Roll camera! Cue shield!
(The Warner Bros. Shield appears in the Looney Tunes rings, but instead of "WB", it says "Q".)
Sam: Hahahahahahahahahahaha soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Mike: What's so funny, Sam?
Sam: I said "cue shield", and the shield has a Q on it!
Mary: Q Shield?
Beulah: Is that anything like a Q-tip?
Abby: "Q Shield"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(The WB Shield appears, but instead of "WB", it has a question mark.)
Scotty: Question Mark?
Jimmy: What if Mark has no answer?
(The WB Shield appears, but instead of "WB", it has an exclamation point.)
Hank: Now the shield's being emphatic.
Guy: Exclamation Point!
Sam: (screams angrily) SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Scotty: You bellowed, Saaaaaaaaaaaam?
Sam: What's with the punctuation marks on the shield?!
LH Michael: Down dooby doo down down.
LH Michelle: Comma comma, down dooby doo down down.
Sam: And I want the proper shield! You hear me?!
Scotty: Roger Wilco.
(The WB Shield appears again, but the letters are gone!)
Sam: Now what's this?
Scotty: You wanted the shield, so you got the shield.
Sam: But where are the letters?
Jimmy: In the mailbox.
Sam: One, two, three, four, five...
Anna: Calm down, Sam. Just be cool.
(The letters "WB" zoom in without the shield!)
Sam: (screams again) RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!
Scotty: You wanted the letters, you got the letters.
Hank: Ease up on Scotty, Sam!
Guy: He's only the lead shield guy, not a mailman.
Sam: You two stay out of this! (to Scotty) And as for you, Radar Overseer Scotty, you know what this means?
Scotty: Do I get a wedgie? Or do I go to bed without my supper again?
Sam: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED!!!
Scotty: Fired!?...FIRED!?...NO NO NO NO NO NO! MICROSOFT SAM, YOU KNOW I'M IRREPLACEABLE HERE! IF YOU DON'T RE-HIRE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF AND DON'T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE YOU WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE, YOU DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS!!! (BOOM!!)
Beulah: Scotty! Are you all right?
Scotty: I'm okay, Beulah. Why is it that every time I get Sam mad, he fires me?
Beulah: I wouldn't sweat it, Scotty. I still love you.
Dave: And the rest of us will give you all the support you need.
Sam: (protesting) If you do, I'll have you all hanged for treason, because Scotty's firing is justified, you hear?! Justified!
Dave: Justified my ass! If I catch you acting like a control freak again, I will take no prisoners, you hear me?!
Sam: Oh sphincter!
(The WB Shield appears again, but it says "RL" and the caption displays "Raundry is Leddy! Pictures, Inc.")
Mike: "Raundry is Leddy"?
Mary: So now you're sending our clothes to a Chinese laundryman?
Dave: Of course. If you don't believe me, just ask Ti.
Sam: Ti who?
Scotty: Ti Ming! Hahahahahahahahaha soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Sam: (angrily) Scotty! I thought I fired you! Now get outta here before I have you hanged!
Dave: Spare that rope, Sam! Scotty, you're re-hired.
Scotty: Thanks, Dave!
Sam: Take it easy, Sam. Remember, you're not a control freak. Remain. Calm. Uh-oh! Tantrum in 5...4...3...2..1...NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! DAVEMADSON, I DON'T CARE IF YOU HOLD JURISDICTION OVER ME! I STILL WANT TO HAVE AUTHORITY AROUND HERE, YOU HEAR ME? YOU ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE ASSWIPE!!! (BOOM!!)
(The WB Shield appears again, but it says "TO" and the caption says "Time Out!")
Dave: I know somebody who's getting a time out.
Anna: Methinks I shouldn't have declared Sam ready to return to work so soon.
Mary: Youthinks right, Anna. Sam needs a little more therapy.
(Fade back to the Looney Tunes rings, with more text of narration being read out loud.)
Anna: (narrating) Sam needed a little more therapy, so I spent another week with him in a secluded spot.
Sam: (narrating) Anna and I agreed that it's not healthy to be a control freak.
Dave: (narrating) Anna knew her expertise as a therapist was limited, and Sam learned that there are times to blow off steam. With that, the Looney Tunes Intro Bloopers continued...
(The WB Shield from the 1955 Warner Bros. Television logo zooms in instead of the Looney Tunes one.)
Mike: That's the WB Shield?
Mary: I don't remember it looking like that in a Looney Tune.
Scotty: We didn't say it was *the* WB Shield!
Jimmy: We said it was *a* WB Shield!
(The "Abstract WB" from the 1963-1967 Looney Tunes/Merrie Melodies cartoons appears instead of the WB Shield.)
Sam: (angrily) NOT THE "ABSTRACT WB" AGAIN!
Hank: All right, all right, we'll get a concrete one.
Guy: And we'll promise not to get our feet stuck.
Sam: SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Scotty: Not again, Saaaaaaaaaaaam!
Dave: You tell him, Scotty!
Sam: If you don't stop interfering, Dave, I'll send the Devil and She-Devil after you!
Dave: You do that, Sam, and I'll call on God and the Angel to beat them back!
Sam: You asked for it!
(The Devil and She-Devil show up in the rings)
(VID THEME)
Beulah: (shocked) Egads! The Devil and She-Devil!
Abby: (shocked) Grab hold of the nearest cross!
Devil: Hands off of those crosses!
She-Devil: You know they make our tails grow limp!
Dave: If you'll pardon the expression, just what the hell are you two infernal imps doing here again?
Devil: Oh davemadson, must you regale us with this flattery of yours?
She-Devil: We heard Microsoft Sam say he'd rather send us after you than cease and desist being a control freak.
Sam: That's right! And Dave, if you call on God and the Angel, I'll have the Devil and She-Devil shit all over you!
Dave: Subject me to such disgusting treatment again? Not as long as I'm in charge!
Mike: I'm with Dave on this.
Mary: So am I.
Anna: So am I.
Sam: (protesting) Microsoft Anna, don't you love me anymore?
Anna: Oh Sam, I still love you, but you need to calm yourself down before you make these infernal imps relieve themselves on us.
Devil: Sam's on our side. We like it.
She-Devil: All the more reason to claim him along with Mike, Mary, Anna, and especially Dave, who I'm feeling more fascinated with.
God: (appears) You leave them alone, you infernal monsters!
Angel: (appears) Back off, or you'll feel the Wrath of God again!
Devil: That's scandalous, and anyone who denies it is a liar! (pulls his pants down) Shall we let them have it?
She-Devil: (pulls her shorts down) Let's do it! Bombs away!
(Cut back to the Looney Tunes rings, with the word "CENSORED!" appearing over them as the Devil and She-Devil poop on Sam and his friends.)
Devil and She-Devil: (PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP PLOP!)
(Cut back to the studio)
Sam: (covered in poop) Gugh! They shat on me again! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! (throws up) BLURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGH!
Mike: (covered in poop) Disgusting as usual! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! (throws up) BLURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGH!
Mary: (covered in poop) Why must you soil us? Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! (throws up) BLURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGH!
Anna: (covered in poop) All over my good clothes yet! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! (throws up) BLURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGH!
Dave: (covered in poop) You'll get yours one of these days! Eeeewww! Eeeeeeeewwwwww! (throws up) BLURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGHURGH!
Devil: Look at them, all covered in shit! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
She-Devil: Next time, they'll be branded with the three sixes! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Angel: You have your nerve, soiling Sam and his friends without just cause!
God: Enough of this insolence, you infernal spewers of waste! Take that!
(God zaps the Devil and She-Devil until it culminates in a gigantic explosion.)
SFX: B-B-B-B-BOOM!!!
(After the explosion, the Devil and She-Devil fall through the Looney Tunes rings.)
SFX: CRASH!!
Devil: (dazed) Curses! Foiled again! The Almighty wouldn't have to do this to us! Ouch!
She-Devil: (dazed) Oh, our aching sphincters! Oww!
Angel: Sam, Mike, Mary, Anna and Dave are all cleaned up now. You may resume your video.
Dave: And good riddance to bad rubbish!
Devil: (dazed) Oh sphincter!
(Back to the shield zooms, instead of the Looney Tunes WB Shield, the Warner Bros. "Kinney Shield" from 1970 appears.)
Scotty: Uh-oh. Methinks I goofed again!
Sam: Youthinks right, Scotty. Let's try it once more.
(The Looney Tunes WB Shield reappears, but suddenly, it acts like a yo-yo.)
Sam: (screams angrily) SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
Scotty: No, Sam! Please don't fire me! I've got nowhere else to go!
Sam: (raises a hammer) You asked for it, Scotty!
(In a violent rage, Sam charges to the right direction offscreen, preparing to attack Scotty with the hammer. A bunch of sound effects are heard offscreen as he strikes Scotty multiple times in a brutal manner.)
SFX: BOING! WHACK! BOING! WHACK! BOING! WHACK! BOING! WHACK! BOING! WHACK!
Dave: Microsoft Sam, are you out of your mind? Stop bludgeoning Scotty to death!
(Cut to Scotty, who is now on the floor wounded and dazed from Sam's attack.)
Scotty: (dazed) Oh mama!
Beulah: (worried) Scotty! Please pull through! I love you!
Sam: Sorry, but I just don't like having anyone, much less this dime-a-dozen bum, futzing around with the WB Shield.
Dave: Microsoft Sam, I think you need another time out.
Sam: (snaps) DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AROUND HERE, YOU ASSWIPE!
Anna: (firmly) Calm down, Sam--
Sam: BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!
Anna: (grabs Sam) I hate to do this, Sam, but it's only for your own good.
(With her shock therapy skills, Anna zaps Sam using her laser eye beam powers. This culminates in yet another explosion.)
SFX: BOOM!!
(After that was done, Sam is now covered in ashes.)
Sam: (dazed) Who...what...what happened?
Anna: (firmly) Sorry I had to do that, Sam, but you were starting to act like a control freak again.
Sam: I'm sorry, Anna. I guess I'm trapped in my old ways.
Scotty: Should we try the Looney Tunes intro again, Dave?
Dave: Let's wait till tomorrow, Scotty.
Category:Transcripts