Halcyon is Basically Impossible After Jesus Gets Nuked

Episode 13 of Season 1 of The Misadventures of Purple.
== Transcript ==
Purple: So you’re gonna help us beat the apocalypse?
Minnesota: Yeah, that’s the hope. 
(Suddenly, a nuclear warhead appears over the horizon)
CrazySponge: The fuck is that?
Existant: What does it look like? It’s a NUCLEAR BOMB!
(The bomb gets grabbed out of the sky by a gigantic hand, followed by a rush of wind and three figures arriving next to our group)
Purple: Who are YOU?!
Jesus: Well who do I look like? I’m Jesus Christ! This is God (God waves) and this is the Holy Spirit (the spirit is wind).
Purple: So this is a literal deus ex machina?
God: Yeah, that’s sort of the point. It was always the plan for us to show up and fight Mr. Craps, but you took too long writing this. Also, you really shouldn’t write SpongeBob fanfiction as a senior in high school in your study hall.
Existant: What?
Zoltan: Yeah, what?
God: Here, I have a photo.
(This photo appears in the sky)
Purple: Dang is that me in real life?
God: Yes, it is. Anyways, your fictional world is about to come to an end.
Purple: But you’re God, can’t you just stop it?
God: I mean I could, but also I don’t really care about you guys. Out of all of the fanfictions I’ve ever read, yours ranks as one of the strangest overall.
Purple: So you’re just going to let us die?
God: I mean yeah, pretty much. It’s not like you’re the only userfic universe.
Purple: The only what?
Zoltan: My head hurts. Is being gay allowed?
God: No.
(Everyone disappears except Purple and CrazySponge)
CrazySponge: Why did you leave us?
God: According to the writer, you’re the easiest two characters to write for and keep track of.
Purple: What happened to that ESB guy?
God: Oh he’s dead.
Purple: Zoltan?
God: Purgatory.
Purple: Purgatory exists?
God: Does now. 
Purple: So can you just end the show here?
God: I could, but it’s sort of fun watching you guys be stupid.
(Cut to fifteen years later and by that I mean I haven’t opened this document since January 20, 2023)
Purple: Mr. Craps! Your time of reckoning is here!
Mr. Craps: Seriously Purple, who the hell talks like that?
Purple: I DO. YOU’VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME!
(The camera pans out and reveals the two are on a space station floating above a completely devastated Earth)
Mr. Craps: Okay yes, I DID nuke the Earth, but that was to get rid of that Jesus fella.
Purple: I still can’t believe you actually thought nukes would work against Jesus.
Mr. Craps: They did the job.
Purple: You only pissed him off! HE FUCKING BLEW US UP BACK! I LOST EVERYONE!
(CrazySponge and Zoltan jump out from behind Purple)
Zoltan: You didn’t lose me dad!
Purple: Yeah but I sort of wish I did. Shouldn’t have signed those adoption papers.
CrazySponge: What about me?
Purple: You’re subhuman.
Mr. Craps: None of this is my fault! None of this is your fault either! Purple you have to JOIN ME! You know God is just forcing us to be his puppets here!
Purple: You mean me?
Mr. Craps: (anime style gasp) WHAT?
Purple: Well I’m not God, but I am currently writing this show. 
Mr. Craps: So you’re saying my entire existence is just a lie?
Purple: I mean not a lie, just fiction. It’s fanfiction. And I’ve written them for a while now. There’s this really successful one, Cult of Squid, it’s the only one I still actively write. But now, I’m on a path to end all of my spin-offs so I can retire without leaving loose ends.
Mr. Craps: So you’re just going to end my existence?
Purple: I mean yeah, I don’t really have too much of an issue with it. Your name is Mr. Craps, I thought it was stupid in 2018, I still think it’s stupid.
CrazySponge: Does that mean I’m real too?
Purple: No, you’re a real person in the real world that i know through Discord, but here you’re just an overly cartoonish version of yourself because I think you’re silly goofy on Discord.
CrazySponge: o
Purple: I could’ve ended this a while ago, but I didn’t feel the need to.
CrazySponge: So the fifteen year adventure that you, me, and Zoltan went on, that wasn’t real?
Purple: Jesus man YES. I could describe in detail that adventure, which I actually think I might. 
(Suddenly, Purple is holding a storybook and the other three on the space station are tied to chairs)
CrazySponge: Do you just get off on writing meta deconstructions of your own work?
Purple: So in my reality there’s this show called Rick and Morty. I’m justified. Now…
(Purple licks his finger and opens the storybook)
Purple: Let me tell you a tale, a FIFTEEN year tale. Fifteen years ago…
(The show goes into hyperspeed)
Purple: And that’s how we all ended up in space.
CrazySponge: WE ALREADY KNEW THAT.
Purple: I know, isn’t it wonderful?
Zoltan: yore sort of a dick, dad.
Purple: You’re sort of NOT REAL, son. You don’t exist so none of this matters. In fact, I’m ending your story right about…
(There’s an explosion behind Purple, suddenly other SBFW users fill the room)
Purple: What? What’s this?
Mr. Craps: You monologuing about our past 15 years together gave me a lot of time to just not pay attention and THINK. And then I realized that if none of this is real and none of it matters, then I can do whatever the fuck I want.
Purple: Yeah? That so?
(Somewhere in the United States in the real world, the real Purple133 goes to write episode ends to finish the document and finally publish the thirteenth episode of The Misadventure of Purple after a couple of years on hiatus. As he goes to do this, a voice in the back of his head tells him that he can’t just end the series in this manner. He ignores it and writes “episode ends” anyways, but then it deletes itself. They’re fighting BACK)
[The screen begins to flash all sorts of colors and the episode forcibly continues]
[The SBFW users rapidly fill the room, all surrounding Purple, all ready to fight]
[Purple laughs but they all start hurling comments like “You haven't been relevant since 2019” and “All people know you for is pushing being ironically racist”]
[Purple starts to cry like a little bitch]
Purple: NO. NO NONOnono. That’s NOT how it works. You guys don’t own this show, I DO. It’s my story and if you think you can just take it away from me and give yourself some bs happy ending instead of what I had planned, then I’ll be PISSED. OFF.
[Purple continues to cry like a little bitch]
(Purple, wiping SWEAT, not TEARS from his face stands up and summons a flaming ax)
Purple: So we have to do it the hard way then, do we? 
[Mr. Craps: You’re sort of an asshole god, you know that, right?]
Purple: I see you’ve created your own way of differentiating who’s in control. Really? [WRITING WORDS LIKE THIS?]
[Mr. Craps: It’s only like this because you, the real you and not this cartoon version wrote it so.]
Purple: I’ll have you know I AM the real me.
[Mr. Craps: Yeah? We’re taking control of our own world now, Mr. Purple.]
Purple: Try it bitch.
[Episode ends]
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