Mr. Lobster and Mr. Sullivan's Birthday Bash

Mr. Lobster and Mr. Sullivan's Birthday Bash is the fifth episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom High. It premiered on May 27, 2021.
==Plot==
It's Mr. Lobster and Mr. Sullivan's birthday, and both of them are seeking out their one true love.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at Mr. Trump’s bedroom at Mar-a-Lago. Mr. Trump is lying in bed, impatient.]
Mr. Trump: Where the fuck is my daughter? She was supposed to fuck me 10 minutes ago! [shouts out] IVANKA! GET OVER HERE NOW!
[Silence.]
Mr. Trump: What could my daughter possibly be doing? Eh, she’s probably out with her friends. Maybe I’ll wait—
[Mr. Trump’s dick grumbles.]
Mr. Trump: OKAY FINE! I’ll go look for her!
[Mr. Trump gets out of bed and opens the front door, where he sees Ivanka.]
Ivanka: Daddy, you’re naked!
Mr. Trump: Cause this dick needs sucking! We’ll do it right here if we have to—[notices Mr. Kushner, who is right next to Ivanka] Wait. Who the hell is this?
Ivanka: Uh...this is my boyfriend, Jared—
Mr. Trump: BOYFRIEND?!
Mr. Kushner: Why, yes. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Jared Kushner—
Mr. Trump: Kushner...Kushner...Kush—IVANKA, IS THIS THING A JEW?!
Mr. Kushner: Yes, I am Jewish.
Mr. Trump: [grabs Mr. Kushner by his shirt] How long have you been fucking her?!
Mr. Kushner: We’ve been dating for about three years now.
Mr. Trump: Three WHAT
Ivanka: And we’re engaged now. We just came here to tell you.
Mr. Trump: Hmm...alright, Ivanka, if you want this Jew, then you know what, YOU’RE FIRED! From now on, you will never have sex with your father. How do you feel about that, huh?
Ivanka: Great. So, uh, we have to go now. Bye, daddy!
[Ivanka and Mr. Kushner get into a limo which drives away.]
Mr. Trump: I cannot have any Jews fucking my hot piece of ass daughter. However, I must say, I am extremely worried about the anti-Semitism that the Israeli government faces when people call them out for their genocidal actions!... Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, having sex with Ivanka. Should I really have said that to her? How can I get fucked now? Rudy doesn’t want to, as he thinks the FBI is stalking him at all times after they raided his house. Man, I’m fucked, or should I say, not fucked...
[Mr. Trump’s dick points at his golden doorknob.]
Mr. Trump: Oh yeah! I’m rich! There are plenty of losers out there who will fuck me upon request! Hell, there will be far too many! Perhaps I should start a sex lottery so my dick will be limited to a few hot bastards. I’ll charge a small fee of a million dollars for one ticket. I can get laid AND get even more rich! I shall announce this on my blog!
[Cut to Mr. Lobster’s House, where Mr. Lobster is waking up.]
Mr. Lobster: [yawns] Aw man, another day of the ILLEGITIMATE PRESIDENT OCCUPYING THE WHITE HOUSE!
Mrs. Lobster: But it’s not just another day, it’s your birthday!
Mr. Lobster: Oh yeah. Cool.
Mrs. Lobster: How about I give you a birthday present?
Mr. Lobster: Uh, what is it?
Mrs. Lobster: [gives him a set of car keys] It took a few years of work, but I finally saved enough money to buy you a new car! Thank you for being the greatest husband ever. I love you. [kisses him]
Mr. Lobster: [throws the car keys away] Get away from me! Only OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP can love me!
Mrs. Lobster: But I’m your wife!
Mr. Lobster: Damn fool, I only married you because you would be a cover for my future relationship with Trump!
Mrs. Lobster: Oh… [starts crying]
Mr. Lobster: Hey, you’re not the only one. The Illegitimate First Lady is a cover for the Illegitimate President’s future relationship with Mr. Pineapple.
Mrs. Lobster: Larry, I can assure you that you will never have a relationship with Trump.
[Suddenly, a notification appears on Mr. Lobster’s phone.]
Mr. Lobster: Hmm, it’s from our one true President’s blog! [begins to read Mr. Trump’s sex lottery announcement] I’M IN LUCK! DONALD J. TRUMP IS OPENING A SEX LOTTERY!
Mrs. Lobster: WHAT
Mr. Lobster: This is the best birthday ever! I’m signing up! To hell with our fake news relationship, whatever your name is, one night in bed with Trump shall give me the satisfaction I’ve been craving for so long!
Mrs. Lobster: [grabs his phone and reads the rest of the announcement] Nope. One ticket costs “a small fee” of a million dollars.
Mr. Lobster: Shit. Let’s see, how could I come up with that?
Mrs. Lobster: You can’t! You’re a high school gym teacher!
Mr. Lobster: I’m also the House Minority Leader and Attorney General!
Mrs. Lobster: You’re in Bikini Bottom!
Mr. Lobster: Fucking hell. Anyways, I have to go to work. [gets up and walks out the front door]
Mrs. Lobster: [annoyed] You forgot your car keys...
Mr. Lobster: I don’t need car keys! [takes a rope, ties himself to his car, and bear crawls to the school]
[Cut to Mr. Sullivan’s house. Mrs. Sullivan wakes him up.]
Mr. Sullivan: WHAT?! WHO WOKE ME UP FROM MY WET DREAM?
Mrs. Sullivan: Was I in it?
Mr. Sullivan: Uh… sure you were, honey. [kisses her] So, why are you waking me up?
Mrs. Sullivan: Because silly, it’s your birthday!
Mr. Sullivan: YAY! BIRTHDAY SEX!
Mrs. Sullivan: DAN! [slaps him] You know that we’re waiting until we’re adults.
Mr. Sullivan: But I’m 16, that’s the age of consent!
[Mr. Renaud is seen on the outside, looking through the window. He sheds a tear]
Mr. Renaud: Another one gone too soon… 
[cuts back inside]
Mrs. Sullivan: Besides, you’ve got all those side hoes on your tail… Ms. Rhoades, Ms. Dumont, Ms. Eilish...
Mr. Sullivan: Ahem, FORMER side hoes. You know that I love you. [checks watch] FUCK! I’M LATE FOR SCHOOL! Welp, looks like I’ll have to go without my morning nut. [rushes out, Mrs. Sullivan has a frown on her face]
Mrs. Sullivan: Why did I agree to marry that sexual degenerate? 
[Mr. Renaud climbs through the window]
Mr. Renaud: You didn’t agree, remember? It was all part of that best-selling CPTV porno! We just never got it annulled.
Mr. Bass: [head peeking through the window] I remember shooting that! [falls down and cracks the window] Ouch.
[Cuts to Mr. Sullivan outside of the house.]
Mr. Sullivan: Phew. That damn whore will NEVER find out about my true love. [pulls out a picture of Lola Bunny] Mm hm. Yup. That’s the one. Oh boy, I am SO gonna boycott Space Jam 2 for removing her BIG, BEAUTIFUL bunny breasts. I must find her. I must find her TODAY!
[Cut to Mr. Lobster’s gym class.]
Mr. Lobster: [groans] Today, class, we’re going to, uh—
Mr. Pineapple: Discuss how President Trump has actually ran the country for centuries?
Mr. Lobster: No.
Ms. Price: Talk about the dangers of the Plague vaccine?
Mr. Lobster: No.
Mr. Hults: Have a normal gym class?
Mr. Lobster: Absolutely not. You guys can do whatever you want, I’m not in the mood today. [walks to his office]
Mr. Pineapple: Oh dear. This is very strange, very unusual.
Ms. Price: Indeed. He never groans! I’ll check on him.
[Ms. Price heads to Mr. Lobster’s office, where she eavesdrops on him. He can be seen praying to a Trump statue.]
Mr. Lobster: Oh, Our One True President And Savior Donald J. Trump, why must I not have the million dollars needed to buy one of your sex lottery tickets? But don’t worry, I’ll still be loyal to you, oh GREAT SAVIOR!
[Ms. Price walks back.]
Ms. Price: Guys, Mr. Lobster needs a million dollars so he can buy a sex lottery ticket! We can give him that for his birthday!
Mr. Pineapple: How can we find a million dollars? We’re high school students!
Ms. Price: There’s nothing a little fundraising can’t do!
Mr. Pineapple: Alright, I’ll see what’s in my wallet.
[Mr. Pineapple gives a banknote to Ms. Price.]
Mr. Price: Uh, Travis? This is 10 North Korean won! That’s totally worthless here!
Mr. Pineapple: Okay, Bikini Bottomite imperialist. You think all the world should use one single currency, don’t you? Well I’m not having it! From now on, wherever in the world I am, I shall force others to accept the currency of communist countries!
Ms. Price: Guys, just give all you can, and ask other students around this school, okay?
[Throughout the rest of the school day, the students collect funds. They meet at the school parking lot at the end of the day.]
Mr. Pineapple: So, how much money do we have?
Ms. Price: Four dollars.
Mr. Pineapple: Ah, well. I’m sure we could donate this to something useful, like my re-election campaign!
Ms. Price: Did we ask everyone?
Mr. Pineapple: Yeah, I’ve seen everyone being asked—wait, no! Mr. G hasn’t been asked!
Ms. Price: Mr. G! Do you have any money?
Mr. Pineapple: If we only have four dollars I think it’s kinda useless—
Mr. G: Uh, I have a drone that’s worth $999,996.
Ms. Price: Wait! If you sell that, then we would have a million dollars! Please sell it and buy a Trump sex lottery ticket, for Mr. Lobster’s sake! [hands Mr. G the four dollars]
Mr. G: Eh, sure, this is out of fashion anyways. [runs to the pawn shop, sells the drone, and uses the million dollars in his pocket to buy the ticket; Ms. Price turns to Mr. Sullivan]
Ms. Price: Got any money, Dan?
Mr. Sullivan: Fuck no, I spent it all on my life sized Lana Rhoades dildo. And OnlyFans. Besides, it’s also my birthday, I shouldn’t even be here.
Mr. Pineapple: How highly irresponsible. Why, you don’t see Chinese officials take the day off from torturing Uighurs just because it’s their birthday, do you?
Ms. Price: Yeah. And I can’t pass up a good in-class session on my birthday. My desk needs me!
Mr. Sullivan: Well, I was thinking of spending mine in a more reasonable fashion.
Mr. Pineapple: And what would that be?
Mr. Sullivan: Finding my one true love…
Mr. Pineapple: You mean you’re also trying to get a Trump sex lottery ticket? You should only be demanding sex from left-wing war criminals!
Mr. Sullivan: NO! Lola Bunny!
Mr. Pineapple: DAN! ...well, she does have nice feet.
Ms. Price: You’re gonna have to sneak out, though. No way- [zooms out to see that Mr. Sullivan is gone] hey, where did he go?
[cuts to Mr. Sullivan walking outside of the school, taking his mask off]
Mr. Sullivan: Welp, that was easy.
[Mr. G returns to the parking lot.]
Mr. G: Here it is, folks, a Trump sex lottery ticket.
Ms. Price: Great!
[Mr. Lobster enters the parking lot.]
Mr. Pineapple: There’s Mr. Lobster!
Mr. Lobster: Ugh, hopefully my “wife” doesn’t do anything stupid today…
Ms. Price: Mr. Lobster, since it's your birthday and you've been a wonderful teacher - informing us about the LIBERAL INDOCTRINATION and all - we all decided to pitch in and buy you a present. 
Mr. Lobster: [grabs box] Oh boy, this better be a life size official dildo of the ONE TRUE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD J TRUMP! [flexes and he tears open in the box and is immediately joyful. He pulls out a ticket to Mr. Trump's sex lottery.] You... you... got this for ME?!
Mr. G: Indeed.
Mr. Lobster: You’re the best students ever! You’re all going to pass this class! Now I’m gonna have the time of my life!
[Mr. Lobster drives to a drop-box outside Mar-a-Lago as the students cheer.]
[Later that day.]
Mr. Trump: Man, I can just imagine all the thousands of tickets in this very box, each one of them being a smoking hot young woman who will obey my every command! [opens the box, to see that there is only one ticket inside] WHAT?! ONE TICKET?! THIS IS MADNESS! [throws the box away] Whoever made this has participated in the GREATEST ELECTORAL FRAUD since I lost the presidential election! Ah well, it looks like there’s still one. [reads the ticket and posts the number on his blog]
[Cut to Mr. Lobster’s House.]
Mrs. Lobster: So, have you given up on that sex lottery shit?
Mr. Lobster: Nope. My students bought me a ticket for my birthday!
Mrs. Lobster: Hmm...well, it’s probably only one among thousands….
[Suddenly, a notification appears on Mr. Lobster’s phone. Mr. Trump announces the winning number on his blog, which is Mr. Lobster’s number, as it was the only ticket.]
Mr. Lobster: WOOHOO! I WON!
[Mr. Lobster runs out of the house.]
Mrs. Lobster: Oh, Larry… [starts crying]
[Cut to Mar-a-Lago. Mr. Trump is dressed in his best attire.]
Mr. Trump: Ah, this’ll be just like the 90s, during my playboy days…
[A knock is heard at the door.]
Mr. Trump: Why, that must be the queen herself! [opens the door] Come here, beautiful—
Mr. Lobster: So, what’s your favorite sex position?
Mr. Trump: LARRY?! NO! You’re not eligible! I only fuck women!... Well, maybe I’d make an exception… but still!
Mr. Lobster: Nope. I won the lottery! [shows him his number] Now fuck me!
Mr. Trump: Nope.
Mr. Lobster: Nope. [shuts the door]
[Cut to Mr. Sullivan.]
Mr. Sullivan: Oh man, I can’t wait to have Lola Bunny slide her nice, beautiful rabbit feet all over my cock. Now, where would she live… [zooms out to see a forest] Hm, probably sounds about right. [walks in, wandering by himself around the trees] Where to go, where to go…
[pans over to show Mr. Banana and Mr. Apple on the edge of the forest]
Mr. Apple: So, associate, what’s the plan today?
Mr. Banana: We’re gonna be going strawberry picking!
Mr. Apple: First of all, I prefer blueberry picking, and two, in the forest?
Mr. Banana: Oh, right. Maybe we should go shoot some Palestinians instead.
Mr. Apple: WAIT! There’s gotta be a bear in these woods that we could fuck.
Mr. Banana: Hm… only if I can use this. [pulls out his strawberry costume]
Mr. Apple: [pulls out his blueberry costume] Way ahead of you! Look at how productive we are.
[shows Mr. Sullivan coming up to a rabbit hole]
Mr. Sullivan: JACKPOT! [a bunny pops up, as Mr. Sullivans take a glance at it] Well, not Lola, but… no. No. I may be a notorious degenerate, but I am not THAT down bad. Yet. At least yet. [lays down] Man I’m hungry. Maybe there’s some food out here. 
[looks over at a berry bush next to him. He shrugs and picks one off]
Mr. Sullivan: Eh. Whatever kills me makes me stronger. [pops it in his mouth with a smile on his face] Hey, these are really good! [starts shoveling the berries into his mouth, until he suddenly freezes] Uh oh. [collapses]
[Mr. Banana and Mr. Apple are seen tunneling through the woods]
Mr. Banana: There’s gotta he some bear out here we could disguise and fuck, surely.
Mr. Apple: Yeah, Biden said he would breed more kids to have sex with. But I haven’t seen a single cub!
Mr. Banana: [looks over to see the berry bush] Look, berries! Guess I was right.
Mr. Apple: HOLY GUACAMOLE!
[the two of them sprint over to the bush as Mr. Sullivan wakes up. His vision is blurry, a sign of him being high]
Mr. Sullivan: What happened last jerk off… [looks up to see what he thinks is two Lola Bunny running at him, but is actually Mr. Banana and Mr. Apple] Heheh… time to go to town… [jumps in the air as Mr. Banana and Mr. Apple come to a stop]
Mr. Apple: Uh… what is he doing?
Mr. Banana: Fuck him, literally and figuratively! Get all of the berries! [gets crushed by Mr. Sullivan as it switched back to his vision]
Mr. Sullivan: Oh yeah baby, look at those big bunny baps! AND THOSE FEET!
Mr. Apple: YOU! I’m a fruit, not a bunny! Although I agree, my feet brings all the grapefruit to the barn.
Mr. Sullivan: Lola, trust me, once you experience this, you won’t EVER want to go back to Bugs!
Mr. Apple and Mr. Banana: NO!
[cuts to the outside of the forest where a mix of screaming and moaning is heard, as the sky changes from day to night to day again. Mr. Sullivan is seen mounting an unconscious Mr. Apple and Mr. Banana.]
Mr. Sullivan: Best… birthday… ever. 
Mrs. Sullivan: DAN!
[shows her banged up while walking into the forest]
Mr. Sullivan: Huh? Lola, are you ready for round 2?
Mrs. Sullivan: WHO’S LOLA?! AND WHY IS YOUR GOO ALL OVER THESE TWO FRUITS?! [slaps Mr. Sullivan]
Mr. Sullivan: Oh come on, we all love those glistening rabbit juices.
Mrs. Sullivan: THAT’S IT! We’re getting a divorce!
Mr. Sullivan: [drugs wear off] WHAT
Mrs. Sullivan: You heard me. I have had enough of your degeneracy.
Mr. Sullivan: Oh well. I guess I’m back on the market. Can you at least give me a ride ho- [Mrs. Sullivan is already gone] Babe? Eh, who needs her anyway. I got this. [pulls out his phone and looks up The Looney Tunes Show and Space Jam, as well as pulling out a bottle of lotion] Oh yea- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO CONNECTION?! 
[episode ends]
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