Dreams and Choices

===February 9, 2013===
I've begun to have some very strange dreams lately. All I can say about them right now is that they leave me feeling confused and awestruck as soon as I wake up, but I quickly forget important details within minutes of waking and soon can't remember anything about them. Thus, I've opted to write down each one in a kind of journal. I hope that this will help me sort out my thoughts and get to the bottom of this.
===February 12, 2013===
I'm so glad that I decided to start this journal the other day. I woke up just now sweating and gasping for breath; the dream I had was so utterly unsettling that it had affected me physically. Let me summarize it. I was walking around a small forest and meadow of sorts when I came to a cluster of rather large trees. It occurred to me that I had been here before, several times in fact.
I looked at the trees and was suddenly struck by hunger. This also had happened before, as my hazy memory revealed to me. I looked for food, finding that there were apples and oranges on the trees in front of me. I took an apple and was about to bite when I remembered that I'd eaten apples before, many, many times in the past.
I looked at the orange trees. Actually, there was only one orange tree, in the middle of all the others. I wondered why I could not remember ever trying an orange. My memory once again revealed to me something that I had since forgotten. I had been told not to eat of the orange tree. However, I didn't seem to care at this point. I felt that I needed to try the orange in order to know its contents, and I was actually becoming quite discontent with the apples and other fruit that I remembered eating before. I needed the orange to feel complete, so I took one and took a bite. All of a sudden, the healthy curiosity that had once filled my senses was replaced by… by a terrible remorse and shame at what I had done! I looked around fearfully, as if expecting something to happen. I heard a voice, calling out to me. It wasn't friendly or harsh; it was just inquisitive, wondering where I was. At that moment, I panicked!
I woke up from this dream with the same fright and exhilaration as I felt within the dream. It has taken me about ten minutes just to write down this short narrative, but I'm feeling somewhat calm now. I'm glad that it's over.
===February 19, 2013===
It had been a full week since the last dream. I thought I was over it. I guess not.
I “woke up” in a white bed. This dream was very different from the last. For one thing, I couldn't move. Also, my vision was fuzzy and I didn't know exactly where I was or why I was there. A few grown-ups gathered around me, all dressed in very plain clothing and with masks over their mouths and noses. They were all looking down at me, at my legs. I looked down at them as well.
There was a gigantic slash stretching from my left thigh to my calf muscle. It hurt so bad, and all these people around me were trying to touch it! I became terrified and looked around for my parents. I saw them sitting on the other side of the room, staring at me. A thought popped into my head. Why would they allow these people to hurt me so badly? How could they sit there and watch?
This time I woke up clenching my fists and gnashing my teeth. I don't think I had ever been so angry in my life. While calming down and writing this summary, I've pieced together a few things. In the dream, I must have been a small child. My whole body was more stubby and fatty than it has ever been in adult form. Also, I realized that this event really had taken place; I remember my parents telling me about it and showing me the small scar on my leg that never fully healed. The thought of holding such a grudge against my parents didn't seem very real now that I was awake, but something didn't seem right, something that I couldn't put my finger on. I might just learn more from the next one, if there is a next one.
===March 5, 2013===
Just when I thought that I'd never figure out this mystery, I had another dream. This one was even fuzzier than that the last two; I hope I can remember enough about it to get some answers.
My brother and I were at the park, riding the swings side-by-side. I was really enjoying myself, too. I didn't have a care in the world; everything was perfect. Then, one of my brother's friends walked up and asked if he could have my swing. I happily agreed; I was content to allow him a chance to have fun like I had. I walked over to lay in the shade, but something changed about that day. As I watched my brother and his friend play on the swings, something bitter rose up in my mind. They must have been talking about me, saying things that weren't nice! I had to know for sure, though. I crept around the swings and listened to them talk. Even from this distance, it was difficult to hear. But I know I heard my name and the word “weird.” They were laughing… That was enough! I decided that I didn't like this friend of my brother's very much, and I also felt somewhat ambivalent towards my brother. What if he had said it, or had agreed with his friend?
I woke up feeling depressed today. I can't really describe the feeling beyond that. It's difficult for me to remember, but this event must also have taken place. It explains the rather distant relationship that I've held with my brother for as long as I can remember. You know what? I ought to call him up sometime, just to catch up. It's been a while.
===March 10, 2013===
This one is so disturbing, but at the same time it's blurry and difficult to recall. I'll do my best.
I found myself in a dark room. There was a single spotlight on me, the guy handcuffed to a chair. I had butterflies in my stomach, but I didn't quite know why. A door opened, and a woman walked in. She was probably the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, with long dark hair and gorgeous, smiling red lips. For some reason, she was very scantily clad; I feel now that this was the reason I had the butterflies. She walked up to me in my chair, and… Oh, I can't remember the things she did, only the feeling I had while she was doing them. I felt… wonderful but awful at the same time, as if I was snacking on my favorite food and throwing it up at the same time. I remember constantly jerking back and forth as if I was having a seizure, screaming for it to stop but hearing no words actually come from my mouth. There was nothing I could do about it, or at least so I thought. It went on for what seemed like hours…
I woke up with a start. My impending loneliness sank in as I pulled myself out of bed to write this down. Frankly, I don't think that this journal is helping. I'm left with more questions than answers after each dream, and I'm not finding very much in common between the dreams as I read them over together. I might just lay off writing them for a while. Maybe I'll try seeking professional help for this.
===May 25/26, 2013===
It's about midnight, so I'm not going to bother worrying about the specific date for this one. I've had other dreams since my last writing, but none of them compares with this one. I'm not sure what's going to happen, but I'm just so scared that something will.
The point of this dream is simple, so the details don't matter quite as much. I was once again in a chair, and the woman approached me. I smiled at her without remorse; she tilted my chair back, so far back in fact that I felt the force of gravity on my back more so than I did on my seat. She looked into my eyes, smiled one last time, and let go of the chair. My chair slowly began to fall backwards. I looked backwards to see where the ground was, and I felt as though I was dreaming within my dream. The fall was in slow motion and the distance was small, but I felt a profound sense of fear overcome my previous sense of relaxation. After all, there was nothing I could do about the fall. I was once again tied to the chair and could not move very much.
I saw a hand reach out to me. It was not the woman's hand; it was stronger and more plain. I wondered why this hand would reach out to me while I was falling; I eventually came to the conclusion that it was meant to save me from my terrible fall. But could I trust this hand? The last hand that I had seen had just pushed me off the deep end. What ulterior motive could someone possibly have for reaching out to me in this way? Could they be trying to use me, to control me after having saved my life? Or could it all just be a joke, to see if I would cave in under pressure when faced with an easy way out? It wasn't as if I could take the hand anyway. I had put myself in the bonds, and there was no way I was getting out of them anytime soon. Eventually, I would hit the ground behind me and would move on with my life. It was as simple as that.
Well, I hit the ground, and the instant I did, I woke up. Now that I've gotten my sense back, I wonder what that was all about. I've never had a falling dream like that one before. I don't really know who the woman was, where the hand came from, or why I would tie myself to a chair. What I really worry about, though, is what I'll see behind the chair the next time I look back.
Category:Dreams/Sleep
Category:Reality
Category:Diary/Journal