Chainsaw

I chuckle as I hide in the empty tree trunk. My fraternity brothers will be coming past this tree any minute now. And when they do, I’m going to jump out and scare the living hell out of them!
Time passes by. 
I start to get bored. I wonder what it’s like to be a tree. It must be very boring. All they do is sit around and photosynthesize. I could never be a tree. I’m the kind of guy that always likes to be doing something. Or SOMEONE. I grin.
More time passes. 
Where the hell are my fraternity brothers? I feel like a panther waiting for a deer to pounce on. Or maybe a sniper waiting for an enemy soldier to wander into his sights. My great uncle was a sniper during the war. One time I was at a barbeque, and he told us this awful story about his friend named Andy. Andy got his arms and legs cut off and could only get around by flopping like a fish. What a terrible story. It spoiled all our appetites. My great uncle never got invited to one of our parties again. But knowing him, that was probably his plan.
I wait even longer. 
I’m starting to worry. Maybe something happened to my fraternity brothers. Maybe they all died in a car accident. Maybe somebody shot them. Or maybe they’re just getting wasted at a strip club. Eh, fuck it. They’ll be here any minute. Or so I hope.
I’m so caught up in waiting for them, I barely even notice Orlando, the landscaping guy, coming towards the tree. He’s a big, heavy guy that always wears a special suit to protect him from plants. He’s allergic to them. Why would a guy that’s allergic to plants become a landscaper? Revenge?
He whistles to himself as he pulls out a chainsaw. He’s been meaning to cut down this old tree for weeks. It’s hollowed out, and bound to fall on someone one of these days.
Wait. I’M IN THE FUCKING TREE!
“Wait!” I scream. “Wait wait wait wait wait! Orlando! ORLANDO! Hey, buddy! No! Don’t! DON’T!”
But it’s no use. He’s blasting Tourner Dans Le Vide on his headphones and he can’t hear me. Please, God no!
He starts sawing through the tree. I try to get out, but I’m stuck. The saw goes clean through my waist, bisecting me in half. I scream in pain. My blood is spilling everywhere.
Orlando pauses. He takes off his headphones. “What kind of crazy tree has RED sap?”
“Did it just scream?” his assistant, Torres, asks.
I fall out of the tree. My legs are gone. Blind with pain and panic, I crawl away from Orlando, trying to reach safety. But it’s no use. I’m a goner.
“Kathy, no!” I mutter to myself. I’m hallucinating. I feel like I can see my little sister. “Kathy, no! Don’t touch that, Kathy! That’s mine!”
Behind me, Orlando and Torres wince. “Oops! Sorry!” Orlando says. He exchanges a look with Torres. They go back to cutting down the tree.
My body finally realizes it’s out of blood. I go limp. I feel and hear nothing.
A second later, I pass out.
...
“Breaking news!” the news reporter says, sitting in the newsroom.
“A fraternity brother was found comatose today on campus. According to eyewitness reports, he was cut in half accidentally by Orlando, the landscaping guy,” the reporter continues.
The show cuts to Orlando and his assistant, Torres, standing next to the fallen tree. The reporter is standing there, interviewing them with microphone in hand.
“He was hiding inside the tree and I didn’t see him,” Orlando says.
“It was almost as if he WANTED to get sliced in half,” Torres chimes in.
Orlando and Torres exchange a glance. Orlando turns back to the reporter and shrugs.
“If he’s willing to act like a tree, we’re willing to treat him like one!” Orlando laughs.
The show cut back to the reporter sitting in the newsroom.
“Orlando and Torres will face no charges for this assault,” the reporter explains. “Clearly, it was an accident.”
“The student’s fraternity brothers are saddened but not shocked to hear this news,” the reporter explains.
The show cuts to the reporter interviewing the fraternity brothers in their frat house.
“He was always so annoying,” one says. “I mean, he was nice enough, but he was always pulling stunts like this. I’m not surprised it finally caught up with him.”
“Yeah, it’s a shame to lose him,” a second brother says.
“He’ll be missed,” a third agrees.
The show cuts back to the reporter in her newsroom.
“The student is in critical condition and is not expected to survive. His younger sister, Kathy, could not be reached for comment,” the reporter concludes.
“Now back to you, Louis,” the reporter says.
The camera pans out to show Louis sitting next to the reporter.
“Thank you, Regina,” Louis replies. “Our top story tonight: lizard people! Are they real, and are they among us? What former president Ed Smith has to say about them may shock you…”
The show cuts to Louis interviewing former president Ed Smith.
“Are you kidding?!” Smith says. “Get out!”
Category:Nature
Category:Dismemberment
Category:MalumLibrum958