Bullet Chapter 2

So you know how Anita was boohooing about how mean Monica was to her in the last chapter and how she thinks maybe sorta she's a total hosebeast? Totally forgotten by the beginning of this. All Anita wants to do is ogle her rapist-cum-boytoy Micah.
I scanned the crowd for Micah, but since he was my size neither of us could see the other over the crowd.
In the Anitaverse, the ideal height for men is exactly the same as Anita, because people of different heights could NEVER be truly compatible.
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-nxw7YxC9qks/VG7tIXbO13I/AAAAAAAAGjc/Fwq8H6XBtZc/s400/kristin%2Bchenoweth%2Bshort.jpg
So even though Micah is having a conversation with someone else (they're asking why he's smuggling water-balloons in his pants), Anita goes charging through the crowd to put his leash back on. And since LKH assumes that every single reader has forgotten what Micah looks like since the LAST book (he's short, red-haired, has pee-colored eyes, a womanly ass and a penis the size of a medium-size dog), we get a detailed description. 
He was one of those rare men who could look delicate, until you took in the wide shoulders tapering down to a slender waist.
 So he looks delicate until you actually LOOK AT HIM.
... the hell?!
Also, women have slender waists. Men have NARROW waists.
But who am I kidding? This is a writer who compared one of her male characters to a MERMAID.
And what's rare about it? Half the population of this universe looks "delicate."
Does anyone else think of this?
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-awjObaDBHUw/VG7bt8fsQdI/AAAAAAAAE1s/nnviNuHMjP0/s400/brock%2Bsamson.jpg
Lessee, longish curly hair, scrawny lower-body with big wide shoulders and muscles... yeah, if you sucked out all the epic badassery, he would totally be Micah.
He was built like a swimmer, though his sports were jogging and weight lifting like most of the wereanimals I knew.
Swimming makes them smell like wet dog. 
And really, weres even do sports? WHY? They're supposed to be absurdly strong and fast, so to get any kind of sports would be pretty much useless for them. 
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-juTaLMieUR8/VG7YQVr01yI/AAAAAAAAEvA/JpkjecL2JK8/s400/robert%2Birvine.jpeg
Oh, right. Now LKH is a self-styled expert on all things gym, so her characters have to be too, even if it makes no sense.
His suits all had to be tailored-down athletic cuts. Italian suits seemed to fit best. American suits were mostly shaped like boxes and looked terrible on short men with muscles.
Yes, because all American suits are exactly alike, built for just ONE kind of man with ONE kind of physique. I bet LKH thinks all women's clothes are made for tall skinny women with tiny breasts, no asses and supermodel legs.
Though Micah went for strength, not bulk.
"After all, bulk is manly. And I like my men to look as feminine as possible!"
So because Micah is so hawt and pretty, men are staring at his ass and women are ogling him.
I think it was being short and pretty, because I could call him handsome if he wanted, but he was too pretty for words like handsome.
Yes, all of Anita's men are "pretty." If you look masculine, you're usually a morally-bereft asshole who will be scorned by everyone else in the world. Or a needy whiny loser who wants some actual emotion with their sex.
Oh, and because this is relevant to the story, Micah is one of the TWO avatars of LKH's real-life husband, Jon. She actually has blogged about the exact same stuff happening to HER husband, and how her long-haired delicate-faced hubby is SO hot that he makes men question their sexuality. Yeah, apparently being flustered because they mistook a guy for a girl can't be EMBARRASSMENT, it must mean that they're tormented over their deep lust for another man.
Does he look like Micah in real life?
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-wlDEQ_W0gdo/VG7M_QenXkI/AAAAAAAAEZU/hpLSiaWpZb8/s400/jon%2Bgreen%2Band%2Bpurple%2Bhat.jpg
Offhand, I would say no.
And Micah and Anita both have waist-length curly hair, which doesn't make Micah sound any more manly. We're also told that, for reasons that we're never told, both Micah and Anita want to cut their own hair, but they're so obsessed with the OTHER person not cutting THEIR hair. Are we told why? NO!
So they've made a pact of mutual misery, each agreeing to grow their hair out if the other grows THEIR hair out. You know, instead of acting like grown-ups and saying, "You know what? Your hair is on YOUR head, and you should style it in whatever way makes you happy!"
I could finally see all that delicate line of face, maybe a little long through the jaw for perfection, but that one line was all that saved him from looking like a beautiful woman instead of a man.
Of course, the lipstick, eyeshadow and rouge all added to the femininity of his face. And the sparkly flower barrettes didn't hurt either!
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-clZgTaTanhA/VG7xEnqoO8I/AAAAAAAAHfc/-bdPyKUswRc/s400/i%2Bfelt%2Blike%2Ba%2Bprincess.gif
And as we do in EVERY book, we're told that Micah has "leopard" eyes which also happen to be chartreuse. I don't know why LKH even wrote this in, because chartreuse is such an ugly color... and it's not like leopard eyes are hugely distinctive.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ZHcPmgURrMs/VG7LMI_EUBI/AAAAAAAAD8U/LS5HA736n0I/s400/leopard%2Beye.jpg
I mean, unless he was staring right into a light bulb, I doubt anyone would even notice.
it amazed him how many people could look him in the eyes and only remark, “What beautiful eyes.” Or, “What a great shade of green,” and never make the connection.
That might be because leopard eyes aren't chartreuse.
Also, I can't imagine looking at eyes that are THIS color
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-E94B9JY8ArU/VG7MltySBwI/AAAAAAAAEUU/wM0y17bbUmE/s200/chartreuse.gif
and talking about what a gorgeous shade they are. Actually, I wouldn't look at ANYTHING and compliment that color, because it's EFFING UGLY.
Also, funny how she assumes, "Tee hee, people are too dumb to know that Micah has leopard eyes!" and not that people are just being polite about his freaky-ass eyes.
Nathaniel would say, “People see what they want to see, or what their minds tell them they should see most of the time.”
"People tend to see me as a sideshow freak. I wonder if it has something to do with my floor-length hair?"
"No! Your hair is perfect! And totally normal! In a special no-one-else-is-worthy kind of way!"
"And for some reason people keep asking if you take credit cards or just cash. I wonder what they see there..."
So Anita burbles about how speshul and awesome her relationship with Micah is, leaving out the fact that he raped her as soon as they met. She also mentions that of course, she usually destroys her relationships by being a horrible bitch or by trying to find some way of destroying it herself, like what she did with Richard. Why did she do this? Uh, apparently because someone dumped her ass in college, which left her unable to trust any men ever again. What a wimp.
Micah had managed to walk the maze that was my heart and not get caught in any of the traps.
"He did this by agreeing with me on everything, having his life revolve around me, and telling me that not only does my shit not stink, but it smells like violets. Ours is such a wonderful relationship!"
“What are you looking at?” he asked, voice low.
I smiled back because I couldn’t help it. “You.”
If that got any sappier, you could make syrup out of it.
So the two of them hold hands and finger-grope for awhile, presumably to show us how incredibly in lurv they are and how totally perfect their relationship is, much as LKH wants you to think her REAL LIFE relationships are.
I’d had one friend say that we could get more out of just holding hands than some couples got out of kissing.
"He said that after we had three orgasms during a thumb-wrestling match."
Micah went through most nights with a touch of my lipstick on his mouth. He didn’t seem to mind.
Why would he? He apparently wears women's clothes, has waist-length hair, and by all accounts is as macho as a magical girl. He might as well wear makeup. And lingerie. 
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-CgSygMr5u6M/VIVWXnoWbhI/AAAAAAAAJS4/E-EEBjnZb7g/s400/you%2527re%2Bnot%2Bmanly%2B2.gif
And since nobody associated with Anita can have a semi-normal social life, Micah can't possibly have been talking to a HUMAN family. No, he was talking to some family who attends the Furry Coalition support groups. Yeah, nobody gives a shit about the Coalition - their entire purpose in the series has been to 
Allow Micah to pretend to have a job outside of dancing attendance on Anita
Procure sexual partners for Anita
So Anita natters on about how shapeshifters need help during their first months, none of which has anything to do with the story. And blah blah blah shapeshifters are discriminated against blah blah blah boring shit.
There were entire professions where failing one blood test would get you excluded forever.
For some reason, people just didn't like the idea of werewolf clowns. 
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-4oY3pg81K_A/VG7s4djWJEI/AAAAAAAAGgA/4JwwNiTsFCQ/s320/it%2B-%2Bclown%2Bteeth.jpg
"Be charmed by this, you little bastards, or you're racists!"
Military, police, food industry, medical care—it was hard to keep a job if you were a teacher of children and the parents found out you turned into the big bad wolf once a month.
I can sort of see why you wouldn't want them around children, since they can technically shift ANYTIME THEY WANT. It's not just a once-a-month deal, you dumb bitch.
I can also see why caution would be used in medical and food industry fields since... you know, one paper cut and a whole bunch of people end up turning furry. That's a lot of lives ruined, a lot of lawsuits, and a lot of paranoia.
And of course the police and military want NOTHING to do with lycanthropes, because they're all a bunch of ignorant bigot jackasses who hate all supernaturals.
This makes NO DAMN SENSE, because any military would immediately want to EXPLOIT the lycanthropes. Imagine if you had a military force that was almost unkillable, had amazing senses/strength/speed/ability and could rip people to shreds. Do you REALLY think any country would pass up that opportunity? There are so many other countries they could oppress in the name of peace and democracy!
The answer: of course they wouldn't. If werewolves existed, the government would be all over that. But since Anita wouldn't be involved in that, LKH has no interest in it... unlike other authors.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-AyEzUcr-56Q/VG7OTjI4xPI/AAAAAAAAEdA/ILLdpp5ShLk/s320/Kitty%2BGoes%2BTo%2BWar%2B-%2BCarrie%2BVaughn.jpg
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It was one of the reasons that Richard Zeeman, junior high science teacher and local Ulfric, wolf king, wouldn’t be here tonight sitting on the other side of Jean-Claude.
And not that it's REALLY strange to go to a children's dance recital unless you are closely related to one of the kids? And normal people don't do that?
Actually, why are ANY of these people here? I mean, yeah a couple of Anita's boytoys are dancing, and the kid of someone who once worked for JC is dancing, but that's a pretty flimsy reason for most of the cast to be sitting in the audience. THIS IS A CHILDREN'S DANCE RECITAL. They should be trying to escape it, dammit.
Richard was technically Jean-Claude’s wolf to call, as I was his human servant.
And funny how the vampire doesn't get a subservient nickname.
We were a triumvirate of power and should both have been here at his side, but Richard wouldn’t risk being outed and losing his job.
What an asshole! How dare he value his JOB over supporting JC during a CHILDREN'S DANCE RECITAL! Clearly their power will be diminished during this crucial time because of Richard's selfishness!
Seriously, in Richard's place I not only would be saying that was my reason, but I would be dancing with joy because it means my day wouldn't be eaten up by watching other people's kids prancing around awkwardly onstage.
That, and Richard really hated being a werewolf, but that was a problem for later. For right this moment, nobody who had come with Jean-Claude had a problem being exactly who and what they were.
BOOOOOO! RICHARD IS SELF-LOATHING! If you don't come to a children's dance recital for the kid of someone you don't even know, you hate yourself! BOOOOOO!
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Most of the seats were already full, and it was Asher’s hair that I spotted first, gleaming golden under the lights.
So she looks at a bunch of people sitting down, but she doesn't notice their FACES first?
I wasn’t kidding about the gold. He wasn’t blond; his hair was as close to true gold and still a natural color as any person I’d ever met.
Yes, that sounds SO sexy.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-iEEVzvyChEQ/VG7zCVkxlHI/AAAAAAAAH5I/6lEKUkB-GM4/s200/brassy%2Bhair.jpg
Of course, once I’d found Asher, Jean-Claude was at his side.
They stopped making out once they noticed me aiming my gun at them.
Jean-Claude’s black hair curled over the seat back, inches longer than Asher’s, which was just past shoulder length. Jean-Claude had grown his hair out because I seemed to like more hair on my men. Asher had informed me, “It takes energy for a vampire to grow his hair longer than it was when he died. I don’t have that kind of energy to spare.”
coughcoughcoughBULLSHIT.
There is a scene in Narcissus in Chains where two things are confirmed: 
Asher's hair is long enough that it can be braided, which hair that length cannot be easily be.
Asher's hair had gotten longer since Anita had seen him last.
And keep in mind, that is BEFORE Anita's vagical powers gave him a token power-up. He is more powerful NOW than he was back then... and yet NOW he doesn't have extra energy to make his pretty hairs longer? BULLSHIT. How did his hair get SHORTER? Did he cut it as a big fuck-you-very-much to Anita? Is he making up this lame excuse so he won't be burdened with five feet of metallic hair?
sigh
We're also told that Jason has a new girlfriend, who has traveled to watch him dance onstage with children. She's also related to him, so EWWWWWWWWW. She also was a lesbian last time we saw her, but given how feminine Anita's boytoys are, she might have just mistaken him for a girl. In a book by someone else, I would applaud the display of sexual fluidity instead of being restrained by the binary, but here... no.
I think LKH brought in this character just to go, "See, haterz? I don't hate all tall slender blondes! I included one who will have no impact on the story whatsoever... but she's not actually evil!"
It was as serious as I’d ever seen Jason over anyone.
Of course, Jason has problems committing to his socks, so that's not saying much.
He’d said, “It’s just amateur stuff. You do the real deal.”
"Plus, they're going to put me in a tutu. AGAIN."
there she sat looking pale and beautiful, her long, straight blond hair in a neat braid down the graceful curve of neck and shoulders. Her dress was a pink that was almost white, with thin spaghetti straps. She was like most ballet dancers, honed down to muscle and grace so she could wear the filmy dress with nothing much under it and have it look great.
Yes, I'm sure that after all those grueling, tense, painful hours practicing and dancing... ballerinas want to just hang around in a dress that looks EXACTLY like their costumes.
I’d have looked like I was in desperate need of a bra. My curves only honed down so far.
Oh, don't worry. You just need to pop on a babydoll tee, and it will lift those enormous tatas up like a steel-belted bra!
Another man stood up in the row in back of them, and only then did I realize it was Truth.
HOLY FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK, how many people did they BRING to this?! This is ridiculous! This guy isn't even a main character - he's just a random side-character who shows up occasionally to grovel and/or pork Anita. Even REQUIEM has had more screentime than Truth! TRUTH IS A STUPID NAME ANYWAY!
At this rate, there won't be any seats for the PARENTS, because these dumbass vampires are taking them all!
He’d combed his shoulder-length hair back in a tight, neat ponytail, and he was completely clean-shaven. Truth’s face was trapped in that not-quite-beard stubble because that’s how he’d looked when he died.
WHAAAAAAAA...?!?!?!??!
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-cyxm43cRlfg/VHLixbFoGsI/AAAAAAAAIpk/6etxnXV1hmA/w500-h255-no/what%2Bdid%2Byou%2Bthink%2Byou%2Bwere%2Bsaying.gif
Continuity errors in this series have gotten so common that they actually coined an acronym for it. But this is a continuity error FROM ONE SENTENCE TO THE NEXT! In the first sentence, we're told that he's currently clean-shaven. And in the very NEXT sentence, with no change in tense, she says that his face is also trapped in White-Rapper Stubble.
YOU JUST RIPPED A HOLE IN THE UNIVERSE.
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-O2kjYYhEnos/VHTbqzLoR_I/AAAAAAAAI-U/jW1_BNDSKP8/s400/psychedelic%2Bjourney.gif
Oh, and Truth and his brother Wicked are also emasculated vampire clones of Legolas and Aragorn. That's why he has the permastubble normally.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-pR-dr0WefKs/VG7qXh2qF_I/AAAAAAAAF6c/iwV9tYCwMd0/s200/aragorn%2B1.jpeg
Aragorn's expression on being told that he got written into the Anita Blake series as a Goth-named wuss. 
Shaving meant that he might not be able to grow it back even if he wanted to.
... why would he want to? Is he hoping that the Indiana Jones look comes back in?
I wanted to ask, Where are your boots? Where’s your leather? But that seemed the wrong thing to say.
So instead I said, "Where's Frodo? Where's the Ring? Not that I want ultimate evil power to turn myself into a dark goddess, haha!"
Micah leaned in and said, “Say something to him.”
... why? Does she have to pay a compliment to everyone she meets?
We're then told that Wicked is there too. Whee. Because I was really worried that JC hadn't invited EVERYBODY in the entire cast.
Wicked gave a small nod and a smile from the row in front of them. He looked, more than ever, like his brother’s twin, though I knew they had been born a year apart as humans.
My reaction: IDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONTCAREIDONTCARE. These guys have NEVER gotten a moment of real character development, and I doubt they ever will.
AND THEIR NAMES ARE STUPID.
His hair was straight and blond, thicker-textured than his brother’s slight wave of brown. They both had the same blue-gray eyes, and now that Truth’s chin was bare, the same deep dimple in their chin was very clear.
Why don't you just give him side-braids, a silver crown and a pair of long-knives?
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-PXUJDlcLIE4/VG7qVNPY3bI/AAAAAAAAF3I/cWlC8CRsRlM/s400/Legolas%2Bangry.jpg
Asher took my hand in his and I was suddenly looking up at someone who made both Wicked and Truth look too manly, too modern-day handsome in comparison.
Yes, because until the twenty-first century, hyper-effeminate were the only men that were considered attractive. It's only in the last several years that suddenly those weird MANLY MEN have become attractive.
Oh wait, manly men have ALWAYS been considered attractive, you dumbshit. Even if some past fashions for men were what we would now consider feminine, the vast majority of straight women still liked men who looked/acted masculine in whatever way they chose to express it. Not EVERY manly man is a big musclebound lump.
Look at pictures of George Washington when he was a young man! He was considered quite attractive, and there's nothing even remotely girly about him even if he wore hose and wigs.
Asher was almost as broad of shoulder as the brothers, but that face.
.... his face is on his shoulder?
The mass of wavy gold hair, the eyes so pale a blue, like ice given life and color, in a rim of darker lashes and brow.
I hope she means "eyebrow," because otherwise she's saying that Asher has some odd skin coloration.
Also, I don't think that shoulder-length hair counts as a "mass."
But it was the face that was always breathtaking.
... and frightening to babies, small children and the elderly.
It was a beauty to make angels weep, or want to trade sides. He was just simply one of the most gorgeous people I’d ever seen.
Yes, LKH, we get it. You're rabidly hot for an imaginary guy and you want to jump his imaginary bones. We don't need it spelled out.
He thought his face was ruined because holy-water scars traced the right side of all that beauty.
And I completely agreed with him, but I need a scarred hottie for my Phantasy. So I occasionally let him bonk me so I can assure him that he's totally hot even though he's like, not perfect, I love him for his personality or some shit like that, and so I can remind him that I alone can love his scarred self because I'm just such a wonderful person."
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-nArkACzNWI0/VG7sqEc5FaI/AAAAAAAAGcc/Q7R4nNgef-8/s400/phantom%2Bof%2Bthe%2Bopera.jpg
No, more like the other one.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-pM-rD7rosQk/VG7YQE2KtPI/AAAAAAAAEvc/pOvjThFofxk/s400/phantom%2B-%2Bgerard%2Bbutler.jpg
Much closer.
It was almost as if the inquisitioner who had tried to burn the devil out of him had flinched at the ruin of that face.
... or maybe he heard Anita monologuing, and lapsed into a coma. 
Also, the Inquisition was not trying to find vampires. I'm amazed that I have to specify that. I could buy that in an alternate reality they MIGHT have done, but... LKH leaves most aspects of human society totally unchanged. So I'm just going to assume this is historical idiocy.
I knew the scars continued down the right side of his chest to trace the edge of his hip and thigh. He managed the Circus of the Damned and was the masked ringmaster, so he could be beautiful and mysterious and not show everyone the scars.
... why are these two sentences in the same paragraph? Hell, we've already figured out that Anita is screwing Asher every now and then, so why do we have to be told about the scars' exact locations?! 
And "trace the edge of his hip and thigh"? He couldn't get a boner for several books because the damage had hit his CROTCH. Every time LKH writes about these scars, they get less and less disfiguring. Another ten books and he'll just have a bad case of facial eczema.
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-C6rvUbQYsME/VI01OOHKWmI/AAAAAAAAJU0/pttVgAuSi6Y/s400/zuko%2Bin%2Bmovie.png
For him to come out in public like this was a good sign.
It meant he was overcoming his crippling fear of tulle!
He was wearing a soft blue silk shirt with a high, soft collar pierced by a stickpin that held a pale blue diamond almost the color of his eyes. Jean-Claude and I had bought it for him just this year.
Jean-Claude also gave him some OTHER presents, which he told Asher not to open until I had left because they would offend my delicate sensibilities. I'm sure they're totally G-rated and not related to gay sex that isn't for my pleasure at all.
Also, a stickpin is not used for a collar, but a TIE of some kind.
Admittedly, most of the money for the stone had come from Jean-Claude. I made good money, but the diamond was almost as big as my thumbnail.
"I probably could have afforded it easily if I occasionally got off my ass and worked. But I hate all my clients, so I just sit in my office and fantasize about hot men."
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-NxuhRddeJ3c/VG7xIfQ2fHI/AAAAAAAAHhA/PWh_cgFCSwk/s400/so%2Blazy%2Bcan%2527t%2Bmove.gif
Also, WHY IS HE WEARING A GIANT DIAMOND? This is a friggin' children's dance recital, not a gala evening!
From the waist down he was wearing dark brown leather and boots that came up to his knees.
CRAPTACULAR. Is she going to describe every single vampire, were and minor character in the audience?! She's going to do that, isn't she?! She's going to tell us about their hair, clothes and shoes AT LENGTH until I lapse into a coma.
The fact that I hadn’t looked below the waist until he kissed me said something about just how nice the upper bits were, because it was all nice.
It took something truly amazing to distract me from a penis! With most guys, I just gawk at the crotch.
I also knew that Jean-Claude had dressed him for tonight. Asher was more suits, unless he was dressing for a fetish event and then leather worked dandy, just not this kind of leather.
... so what, he has to be FORCED to wear stuff other than suits? Funny, I remember him wearing JEANS in other books.
but it made me think of what Matthew had said, about everyone kissing me. I’d had sex with every vampire waiting for me. It wasn’t a comfy thought.
Either own your whorishness, or dump the harem. It's boring to have Anita constantly playing the "good girl" while she screws dozens of men.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-X3ycsXFkmdg/VG7pnEXYztI/AAAAAAAAFyo/QpwTjaNWt_o/s400/whore%2B-%2Barrested%2Bdevelopment.gif
Asher whispered, “What has put a frown on that lovely face?”
"What frown? This is my default expression."
"Oh, uh... what has made that lovely face's furious scowl even deeper than usual?"
“Something Matthew said backstage,” I whispered back.
“Precocious indeed if he can make you that unhappy.”
And just like that, we're back on the train to CREEPYVILLE. Why the hell is Asher just ASSUMING that Matthew said something "precocious"?
A kid that age has no mouth filter, meaning that he easily could have said, "I hate you," "You're ugly," "I don't want you around" or something similarly hurtful. But of course, we're supposed to assume that it has something to do with sex. I'm amazed Monica hasn't moved to another state to avoid these freaky people.
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And now it's time for a long boring description of Jean-Claude, his clothes, and how horny he makes Anita. He's probably just glad to actually be IN this book, since he didn't appear once in the last one, and was reduced to a voice on the phone in the one before it.
He was wearing a white shirt that was almost identical to the blue one that Asher wore, but he’d put a short black velvet jacket over his,
Because nothing says manly beauty like this
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-nAJsrhfhE0U/VG7uJob_AvI/AAAAAAAAG5g/kD2OGvxiGb0/s400/black%2Bbolero%2B.jpg
Oh wait, my mistake. I meant THIS plus a shirt
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-SR2-DzTwQLc/VG7uJsOaZmI/AAAAAAAAG5g/r-g7yHYxAo4/s400/black%2BBolero%2B-%2BBlack%2BSnake.jpg
For the well-dressed, stylish Final Fantasy villain!
and the stickpin through his cravat was an antique cameo. It had been one of the first Christmas presents I’d ever gotten for him. It was nice, but not even close to the same kind of nice as Asher’s diamond. It made me think I needed to go shopping.
She just SAID she couldn't afford a diamond like that, so what good is going shopping?
And why does it not surprise me that a person with the kind of tacky taste that LKH has thinks a diamond is automatically prettier than a cameo?
Jean-Claude’s black leather pants looked poured on, and his boots rose up over his thighs like a second skin.
He had to be carried up flights of stairs, couldn't really sit down, and he smelled a little funky. But it's SO sexy.
So Anita turns into a drooling hormone bottle just thinking about JC naked except for his stupid pirate-stripper boots. Yeah, just think of JC naked.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-qnrh7ZeUa0o/VG7vCWOPCZI/AAAAAAAAG5M/66PgDGJeQ8M/s400/jeanclaude%2527s%2Babs.jpg
Just try to control your lust for that doughy misshapen mass of oily charm, ladies. He's irresistible, ain't he?
He and I had been a couple on and off for five years, almost six now,
.... on and off? They became a couple FOUR, almost five years ago. Specifically, when Anita cheated on Richard by fucking JC in a tub of weregoo. Or is she including that first year of "he's stalking me but he's hot so I'll just fume about it" as being "couple time"?
and I kept waiting for a moment when I could see him and not feel like there had to be some mistake. Someone this beautiful couldn’t possibly be in love with me when he had an entire planet of people to choose from.
THAT I can certainly agree with. Not just because Anita is the Bella Swan of this series (dumpy, unattractive, plain), but because I can't imagine any man with a brain in his head hooking up with this woman unless he was so pathetic that sex toys are turning him down.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-sYz7mKAE59I/VHTUaLszyUI/AAAAAAAAI8I/JjrO3FoVrv0/w491-h378-no/my%2Bsatan%2Bsense%2Bis%2Btingling.gif"
I cleaned up well,
I hate this phrase. I want to demolish it. With a pickax. And TNT.
but Jean-Claude made me feel like I’d sneaked into the Louvre and stolen a masterpiece off the wall so I could roll around on it naked.
If she could get an orgasm from it, she totally would.
... and while you're trying desperately to erase that image from your mind, Anita starts rambling about how JC has super-dark-blue eyes, and how Belle Morte collected pretty blue-eyed men and blah blah blah not interesting.
Now he was his own sourdre de sang, the first new master of his own bloodline to appear in a thousand years.
And in true Sue fashion, he would NEVER have managed it if it weren't for Anita's magical vagina.
So they make out for awhile in front of everyone... so much for Anita's "oooh, I'm uncomfortable because apparently a toddler noticed me sucking face with my harem."
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-a8aVlK66Ie8/VG7pU68n8BI/AAAAAAAAFuI/_tzAnCcbXqE/s400/unsexy%2Bkiss.gif
He pulled away with my lipstick on his lips, but it was a good color for him.
... do I even have to make fun of this?
“Ma petite.” That was all, just my nickname, but it seemed to hold years of I love you's.
And for the readers, hours of uncontrollable vomiting. 
Hey, LKH? When people make out in public, it isn't sexy and it doesn't make people jealous of your hawt menz. It's like this: 
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-lnfwmRajbLY/VHLgDTulJjI/AAAAAAAAIg8/sHp8yctlIv4/s400/snails%2Bmaking%2Bout.jpg
but without the scientific curiosity.
So FIIIIINAAALLLLYYY we're within range of something other than descriptions of hair and clothes. And... aw shit, false alarm. It's time to say hi to JJ.
She smiled and said hi. I told her I was glad she could make it.
She said that like, oh MAN this is gonna be dull, and I said that I know right, and she said that the whole room was full of vampires and I said that that's the way I like it, none of these icky kids are interesting and she said that was a bitchy thing to say and I said that her face was bitchy and...
SERIOUSLY. Is LKH's contempt for blonde attractive women so huge that she can't even write a conversation between a blonde skinny woman and her Sue?
She had the same spring-blue eyes that Jason had. They both had the soft good looks that sometimes goes with blond, blue-eyed coloring. They looked enough alike to be siblings, but then they shared a common great-great-grandfather. A lot of the kids from their school looked like siblings. Apparently Great-Great-Granddad had been a busy boy.
I'd make a joke about Jason wanting to fuck someone who looks just like him, but this is a series where THIS happens.
https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-6jA8Lajb7RA/VG7vBciyFtI/AAAAAAAAG5Q/yuIRGw7aPU4/s400/anita%2Band%2Bjc%2Bkiss%2Bin%2Bthe%2Brain.jpg
Yes, LKH's ultimate fantasy man is basically HERSELF with a penis. So yeah, Jason screwing a lesbian who looks just like him is pretty normal compared to Anita/JC.
And having a common ancestor doesn't mean that everyone will look like siblings. Even areas known for inbreeding don't have people who look THAT similar.
Meanwhile, Asher tries to give Micah a cheek-kiss, but Micah blows him off.
In private Jean-Claude and Micah greeted each other pretty intimately,
Complete with ass-grabbing and lots of tongue.
but Micah had made it clear that he wasn’t food for everyone.
Uh, I don't think "food" is what Asher has in mind. More like that corgi-sized wiener everybody is talking about.
Also, I don't quite understand the dynamic here. Is Micah suggesting that he has sex with JC, but he won't have sex with OTHER men? I don't get it.
Asher had taken it as a challenge to see if he could seduce Micah, and when that hadn’t worked, he seemed intent on embarrassing him. I loved Asher, but he had a sadistic streak in him that I wasn’t always crazy about.
Ah, it's going to be another book of THAT type.
Every five books or so, Asher gets sick of Anita collecting all the pretty men, playing hackysack with his affections, and making sure he never gets any pretty dudes for himself. Then something horrible happens to humble him, Anita saves the day, and he happily joins the parade of Anita's pet penii once again.
If he didn’t stop pushing, he was going to be on Micah’s shit list permanently.
And THAT is a truly terrifying idea. Micah might write a stern memo!
I wasn’t sure what to do about the rising tension between the two men, but something was going to have to be done before Asher pushed my Nimir-Raj far enough to do something unpleasant.
Micah might wag his finger at Asher! Or, heaven forbid, raise his voice!
Notice that the one thing LKH NEVER suggests is that Anita butt out and let them handle it themselves. Oh wait, there must only be happiness, light and puppies in the harem. NOBODY can ever have a problem with someone else! Everyone MUST get along or DEATH will be the result.
I think this is LKH's clumsy way of trying to tell us that Micah is a force to be reckoned with. See, ever since LKH introduced him, she's been telling her readers that he's TOTALLY an alpha.
The problem is, alphas have... personality. Strength. Presence. Micah has none of these things. He has... a big dong.
And ever since he's been introduced, he's done nothing but roll on his back to show Anita his belly, and agreed to go along with anything no matter how stupid, insulting or bizarre. So in other words, he's as threatening as a baby bunny, but less cute.
Then again, he IS the leader of the wereleopards, who are so lame and pathetic that they make Twilight vampires look badass.
I mean, when WERESWANS make you look like a bunch of losers, you are officially hopeless.
If Jean-Claude and I couldn’t get Asher to tone it down, Micah would take care of it; we just might not like how he did it.
He is SO tough and scary! He can totally beat people up! He's scary! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! I NEED YOU BELIEVE ME! HE'S A BADASS!
He wasn’t homophobic, he just didn’t want to donate blood to Asher, and the other man seemed to have taken the rejection badly.
... yeah, claiming he's not homophobic doesn't sound defensive at all. 
Especially since I wouldn't immediately assume that a man who wears women's pants is homophobic.
"He's not homophobic! Really, he's not! Sure, he treats the only close-to-gay person in the main cast with contempt, but he's totally not homophobic! Why are you looking so suspicious? DON'T YOU DARE SUGGEST MY DREAM MAN IS IMPERFECT!"
Also, Asher is bisexual. The word "biphobic" exists.
Yes, he's closer to the gay end of the spectrum than the straight end. He's one of those guys who likes men maybe, say, 80% or 90% of the time. But he has and has had sex voluntarily with assorted women, and even relationships. That is bisexual.
So Micah is throwing a hissy fit to show us that he's not someone you mess with, and JC is completely ignoring him. I guess that's just how amazingly scary he is.
Had he not noticed, or was he trying to ignore the problem for a little longer? I needed some backup here, not the old ostrich-hiding-in-the-sand routine.
Funny, Asher probably says the same thing about Anita's "nooooo, I don't want actual gay stuff in my harem! Everybody have sex with me instead! Or have sex so I can watch!" yowls, and JC's unwillingness to tell her that it's totally unacceptable.
But if Jean-Claude had a soft spot, it was Asher, and okay, maybe me.
Yeah, she totally thinks it's in that order.
We both got away with things that he probably should have put a stop to long before he did.
Like when she almost started a war and led to the deaths of dozens of people because she couldn't keep her enormous mouth shut?
So we're then told that Wicked and Truth have noticed that Micah is throwing a tantrum and needs a nap. But Anita can't think of any way to make Asher back down, because Asher doesn't actually need any of them and can go get a territory of his own whenever he wants to.
I was a vampire executioner, but I wouldn’t kill Asher, and he knew that. So my threat was gone. I was a necromancer and could control the undead, not just zombies, but lots of undead, including some vampires. But I knew that if I got out my major mojo and controlled Asher like that he’d never forgive me. And once I had that much control over someone, sometimes it didn’t go away, and that had become completely disturbing to me.
Notice how TALKING to Asher about this never even enters Anita's vapid little tentacled head. She contemplates threatening him or even BRAINWASHING him, but heaven forbid she just sit him down and say, "Look, Asher..." and explain why he should lay off Micah, or appeal to him to make her life easier. 
I guess Anita is trying to one-up Bella Swan for passive uselessness. 
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-Eo4Vc-ZZuSI/VG7ua6P0i-I/AAAAAAAAGvY/g8rPwkZeiKc/w500-h326-no/bella%27s%2Bapproach%2Bto%2Blife.jpg
Monica came hurrying up the opposite side of the aisle. The one that made more people have to move their legs or stand up. The side that was farthest away from all of us who were supposed to be part of her group.
BOO HISS BOO HISS I HATE YOU, ATTRACTIVE YOUNG SINGLE WOMAN!
Also, since when are JC, Anita and the rest of these jackasses "her group"? She hasn't been mentioned in more than half the series, and nobody there actually gives a shit about her. Here's a shocking idea: maybe she doesn't wanna sit with you, because you are assholes.
It was very Monica. She’d apparently made a serious play for Asher and been rebuffed. She’d given him a wide-ish berth since then.
You can almost hear LKH squealing, "Take that, slut! The hot vampires don't want YOU, they all want ME... I mean, Anita!"
And it's kind of rich for Anita to be so snooty about Monica being SO inconsiderate when Anita has repeatedly demonstrated that she doesn't give a shit about anyone else's well-being. Especially when "brainwashing" is one the first options she thinks of when a disagreement comes up.
Also, since Monica then smiles and waves at EVERYONE as she sits down, clearly she's not THAT upset. Maybe she just feels like sitting elsewhere. Like not near Anita.
Oh wait, was Anita being super-bitchy about other women again? Wow, I didn't notice. It's only the millionth time!
And why is Asher still convinced that he's hideous if men, women and large animals keep making passes at him? Just how many people have to be hot for you before you consider yourself attractive?
And by the way, Asher talks to Monica in the next chapter, and she reacts very positively. So yeah, apparently she is NOT burned by being rejected by him, and they are capable of interacting LIKE GROWN UPS instead of bratty kindergarteners like Anita.
But I guess she just loves the idea of "her" men brutally rejecting evil sluts who will hold a grudge forever. It makes her more Speshul.
Unsurprisingly, Monica sits next to JJ, because JJ isn't a hardcore misogynist. And the token "ethnic" person enters the aisle, to demonstrate that LKH is TOTALLY not racist, with her racial stereotypes and lily-white main cast.
Nothing could really make Vivian less than beautiful, but there was tightness around her eyes and mouth, worry lines on that beautiful skin. Her skin was that shade of coffee with enough cream to make it almost white. She was technically African American, but it was by way of Ireland, and that showed a lot from the thick, nearly straight hair to the pale gray-blue eyes.
Yeah. Seriously. The only way LKH includes a black woman in her series - especially one we're supposed to like - is if she's practically white and only "technically" African-American.
You know, LKH has had a racist streak ever since the beginning of her series, ranging from Anita casually using ethnic epithets to having almost no Asian/black/Indian/etc characters to talking about people's "flavors." But this has to be a new low for her - she actually wrote in an African-American woman, makes a point of mentioning her heritage, but assures her delicate readers that this particular person is practically white so it doesn't count.
Don't worry, people! She doesn't have curly hair, brown eyes or dark skin! In LKHland, even black people are lily white!
Seriously, this is almost as offensive as Stephenie Meyer announcing that if you become one of the "perfect" vampires, you immediately become whiter than white! How does this shit make it past editors?!
I’d had to rescue her from a very bad man once. He had done terrible things to her.
Is Auntie Anita giving us storytime? No? Then why is she talking like she's reading from an Anita Blake picture book?
In real life, once the villain is dead the trauma lives on inside the victims.
Yes, like Anita's deep abiding trauma of having a stepmother who is BLONDE. Or being DUMPED in college!
We're also told that both JJ and Vivian are wearing party dresses. I'm not sure why. Again, this is a CHILDREN'S DANCE RECITAL, so I'm not sure why these two are wearing sexy revealing dresses for it. What the hell is WRONG with these people? Sex is all they ever think about. Why would you go to a CHILDREN'S DANCE RECITAL wearing a "slip of nothing" dress or a see-through spaghetti-strapped dress?!
Anita and Micah make googoo eyes at each other, and JC wants Anita to cuddle with him.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-VWiIy8sftsk/VG7eoaYpyTI/AAAAAAAAFHI/ZanPU7IoW90/s400/embarrassing%2Bsmooches.gif
He had been a ladies’ man for centuries and he swore that I was the first woman to make him feel a bit insecure.
"Because I'm just that wonderful, you know. No other woman in CENTURIES is as hot and desirable as ME."
I tended to be hard on the egos of a certain kind of men.
They were known as "men without balls who don't have the spine to tell me to fuck off."
So Anita prattles about how she's totally immune to ladies' men. You know, even though she got every bit as horny as JC wanted her to be, right from the very beginning, and he easily manipulated her into fucking him. So basically she's not "puzzled" by ladies' men's tricks like she claims, she just is so surly, bitter and unattractive that people THINK she doesn't get it.
There was a part of me that still believed if I’d fallen into his arms easily he’d have wooed me, won me, and left me for other game by now. Was that unfair, my own insecurities talking, or just truth?
Bah, don't be silly! Nobody gives anything but deep eternal love to a Sue! Nobody dumps a Sue unless they're there to be demonized! And NOBODY gets to move on and date someone else!
We're also told that lots of people have been sending DVDs (a hint of the 21st century! HALLELUJAH!) and photos to Anita, hoping to be her "food." Yeah, apparently there are lots and lots of losers out there who desperately want to join the endless waiting line for Anita's crotch.
The groups hoped it would give them a stronger tie to our power base, and it might.
Because don't forget, St. Louis is the center of the universe and NOBODY in the US could be even half as powerful.
They seemed to feel that Jean-Claude had turned everyone down for fear of pissing me off, and there might be something to that, so I’d sat down and watched.
So basically she's admitting that she's hurting JC's position just because she's a jealous whore.
And speaking of jealous whores, Anita then starts whining about how JC fed recently, but she doesn't know who and she doesn't wanna know. WAH WAH, the vampire actually sucked blood from someone. What, it took her nineteen books to figure out that her vampire boyfriend occasionally nips someone's neck, and suddenly she's uncomfortable with this?
Of course, he shared me with a lot of other men, so my being jealous of him taking blood from some other woman seemed childish and unfair.
That's because it IS childish and unfair. And even worse, STUPID. JC is a vampire, and he needs blood to survive. Anita could survive without orgies if she ate enough and avoided metaphysical "incidents," but she's too lazy to do that.
But just because it’s childish and unfair doesn’t mean it isn’t the way I felt. Stupid, but true.
Yes, in Anita's little world, admitting that something is unfair or wrong absolves you of any blame. Just say you feel bad about it, and continue being childish and unfair. Nobody will dare to say you should actually STOP being that way.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-0EhoOXqCwpw/VHWVwMin6NI/AAAAAAAAJIA/PjHv-pRPgtU/s400/i%2Btried%2Bso%2Bno%2Bone%2Bshould%2Bcriticize%2Bme.gif
I was saved from having to think too hard as the curtain rose.
... well, she just wrote my joke for me.
I got to sit in the dark holding the hands of two of the men I loved most.
And I got to keep the testicles of all the other men in my purse.
https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-7HSYi1lX_Nk/VG7zcXB_YKI/AAAAAAAAIBg/jwUcGKyl25A/s400/where%2Bare%2Byour%2Bballs.jpg
I noticed Monica watching us. Was it envy on her face, or anger?
Maybe it's contempt for a delusional hypocritical hosebeast who wants every woman on earth to be jealous of her, who regards all other women as sluts while porking dozens of men, and who went bleating to her boyfriends when someone didn't spare her enormous ego?
Usually I liked the truth from everyone around me, but I’d make an exception for her.
So in other words, she likes the truth as long as it doesn't make her uncomfortable.
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-vVsKsGzZW8I/VG7i_L2lFJI/AAAAAAAAFeA/Uifla1uRZJk/s400/narcissist%2Bwoes.gif
I knew not to trust her, so she could pretend to like me, and I’d pretend to like her. It wasn’t friendship, but it was an understanding.
Which is about the most cordial relationship Anita is willing to have with a thin, attractive, successful heterosexual woman, especially one who likes vampires.
The music came up; I hugged Micah and Jean-Claude to me, and watched Asher holding Jean-Claude’s other hand. Even in the Bible Belt, when the lights dimmed you could still hold hands.
Yes, because it makes perfect sense that in a world with werewolves, vampires, psychics and faeries, Bible Belt America would only care about gay men holding hands. DUUURRRRRR!!!!!!!!
And for that matter, they're vampires. They have superspeed and superstrength. What the hell are the Bible-Belters going to do to them?!
Also, Anita practically dry-humped JC and Asher when she met them, and suddenly holding hands is a big deal? JC's still wearing her ridiculously thick lipstick!
And so what happened in this chapter? Descriptions of clothes, hair and pretty men, plus a little bisexual man-longing for Anita's yaoi-fangirl amusement. ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Category:Bullet
Category:Laurell K. Hamilton
Category:Urban Fantasy
Category:Anita Blake
Category:Vampires
Category:Shapeshifters