My child is EB returns.

My child is EB returns. is season 2 episode 5 of I hate my child..
==Synopsis==
Zoltan is visited again by EB after 20 years, so has to prove that he has changed for the better. Meanwhile, after a game of Yahtzee, Aaron tries to get Prim to be less aggressive.
==Transcript==
Narrator: Last time on I hate my child…
[The episode starts with the last scene from the previous episode]
Zoltan: And that Bot, is how I lost your father.
Bot: Wait, what happened to EB after you broke up?
Zoltan: I… Don’t know. I haven’t talked to him in about 20 years.
Cactus: Maybe you should call him up?
Zoltan: Hm… Maybe I should…
[Zoltan calls up EB and he picks up as the story continues]
EB: Hello?
Zoltan: EB… 
EB: Zoltan… You’re still alive?
Zoltan: Yeah… I just… haven’t heard your voice in… 20 years…
EB: Well uh… How’s Bot?
Zoltan: She’s alright. But, where are you now?
EB: Georgia.
Zoltan: Oh, cool choice to move to. What city? Atlanta?
EB: Tbilisi.
Zoltan: Uh, never heard of that one.
EB: Anyways, do you guys still live in the same house we bought so long ago?
Zoltan: Yeah! Do you want to like… Visit or something?
EB: I guess I could…
Zoltan: That would be quite nice…
EB: Well then, see you soon.
[EB hangs up]
Bot: You did it! I can finally meet my dad!
Crazy: Well this is great! My plan is finally succeeding! I missed EB so much, he was much nicer than any of you buffoons!
[Crazy gets pricked to death by Cactus]
Bot: Well now what?
Zoltan: I don’t know, we just kinda wait for him to come here. He should be here in like… a few days or something.
Bot: Well waiting is boring.
Zoltan: Wait, don’t you have to go to school or something?
Bot: Oh right. I feel like I haven't gone to school in like 3 years! I was preoccupied with going to a mattress forest, going to France, going to court for piracy, going to court for your child abuse, going to court for underage drinking and being hunted down by your fascist fathers.
Zoltan: Well none of those were my fault.
Bot: You know what, you’re right. I’m going back to school.
[Bot leaves to go to school]
Zoltan: Well now I’m alone. Time to see what my neighbors are doing!
[Cut to Golf and Aaron up to their regular hijinks]
Aaron: Augh I’m so bored… There’s nothing to do…
Prim: You guys like Yahtzee or something?
Golf: I am not a Nazi! Never have been! The allegations are not true!
Aaron: Come on Golf, why have you got to be so crazy?
Golf: I am not crazy! Never have been! The allegations are not true!
Prim: Come on Golf, you’ve been like this ever since I’ve met you. Why can’t you just take a break from us and go to places like the Bahamas or something and change positively?
Golf: I don’t even know what to say… Maybe I should do that… 
[Golf grabs a bindle and walks out the door]
Aaron: That was surprisingly quick.
Prim: So do you wanna play Yahtzee?
Aaron: I have no idea how to play Yahtzee.
Prim: Then I shall explain. The game consists of a number of rounds. In each round, a player gets three rolls of the dice, although they can choose to end their turn after one or two rolls. After the first roll the player can save any dice they want and re-roll the other dice. This procedure is repeated after the second roll. The player has complete choice as to which dice to roll. It is possible to re-roll both dice that were or were not rolled before.
Aaron: This is a really interesting game. I shall get the dice prepared.
[Aaron does so]
Prim: The Yahtzee scorecard contains 13 different category boxes and in each round, after the third roll, the player must choose one of these categories. The score entered in the box depends on how well the five dice match the scoring rule for the category. Details of the scoring rules for each category are given below. As an example, one of the categories is called Three of a Kind. The scoring rule for this category means that a player only scores if at least three of the five dice are the same value.
Aaron: Luckily I have a Yahtzee scorecard right here that we can play on.
[Aaron puts it next to the dice]
Prim: The game is completed after 13 rounds by each player, with each of the 13 boxes filled. The total score is calculated by summing all thirteen boxes, together with any bonuses.
Aaron: Okay! Time to play!
[The two start playing Yahtzee; cut to Bot arriving in school]
Matchy: Bot? You’re back?
Travis: You haven’t been in this school in like… a long time. You missed all the previous history lessons!
Bot: Who cares about those? Anyway, I know everything about it so I have nothing to worry about.
[Purple enters]
Purple: Hey kiddies! It’s time for your ultimate final history test that will have questions of everything we have ever learned!
Matchy: Luckily I studied all year for this.
Purple: Okay so, question 1: Who created the wiki?
Bot: Pfft… Everyone knows that it was Vishall!
[Cut to Bot coming home with a frown]
Zoltan: So how was school?
Bot: I remembered why I stopped going.
[Cut to Aaron and Prim still playing Yahtzee with long gray beards]
Aaron: We have to stop playing… It’s been…
[Aaron checks his watch]
Aaron: 36 hours… And neither of us have won…
Prim: No… We gotta keep on playing…
[Aaron throws the board off the table]
Prim: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
[Prim scratches Aaron’s face]
Aaron: Aah! Prim! You need to stop behaving like this… Perhaps I shall send you to an anger management class so you could change positively…
Prim: No please, I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!
Aaron: Fine, but one more scratch and I’m calling Nanci Creedon and Chirag Patel from Cats and Dogs at War!
Prim: No more misbehaving, I swear!
[Someone knocks on the door]
Aaron: Oh great, Golf is back from the Bahamas.
[Aaron opens the door and sees EB]
EB: Hey Zoltan! Wait, you’re not Zoltan…
Prim: AN INTRUDER!
[Prim jumps on EB’s face and scratches all over it]
Aaron: BRO PRIM WHAT THE FUCK why’d you have to attack this fine gentleman?
Prim: Oopsies.
Aaron: That’s it! I’m calling the Cats and Dogs at War people!
[Cut to EB entering Zoltan’s house with his scratches]
EB: Uh, hi.
Zoltan: EB! You’re back! I missed you so much!
Bot: EB? Are you my father?
EB: That’s Bot?
Zoltan: Precisely.
EB: Huh, you did take good care of her.
Crazy: Not really. He hates his child.
[Zoltan kicks Crazy out of the house]
EB: Oh, you still have that dog?
Zoltan: Sadly.
Bot: Also, what’s with the scratches on your face?
EB: You see… I was actually climbing the Caucasus mountains when I fell off plus ratio.
Zoltan: Aren’t those in Russia?
EB: Uh, they’re in Georgia too.
Zoltan: How can a mountain from Russia stretch all the way to a US state?
Cactus: Zoltan, I think he lives in the country Georgia next to Russia not the state Georgia.
Zoltan: Ohhh. FUCKING COMMUNIST SPY GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE
EB: NO I’M NOT COMMUNIST I SWEAR! THERE’S A VERY GOOD REASON I MOVED TO GEORGIA!
Zoltan: WHICH IS?
EB: MY WIFE IS FROM THERE SO I MOVED TO THE COUNTRY WITH HER!
Bot: You got married?
Zoltan: HOW IS A GEORGIAN WOMAN BETTER THAN ME?
EB: She’s not an alcoholic.
Zoltan: Hey! After you left me I stopped my alcoholism!
[Crazy walks back in drinking Zoltan’s trademarked homemade beer]
Crazy: Wow Zoltan, I can see why you drink 8 bottles of this a day!
EB: Really?
Zoltan: Hahaha, what a story, Crazy!
EB: You haven’t changed a bit. I never should have come back.
Zoltan: NO PLEASE STAY! THE STUPID GREEN DOG IS LYING! I WENT TO ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS! I LEARNT ABOUT DRINKING WITH MODERATION!
Cactus: Yeah EB, did you not read Season 2 Episode 3?
EB: No, and anyway, I really think my wife and kids-
Zoltan: YOU HAVE KIDS?
Crazy: How was the sex?
[Awkward silence]
EB: Okay Zoltan, I will stay for a bit longer if you prove that you have changed positively and are a good father.
Zoltan: Thank you!
[Cut to Nanci and Chirag from Cats and Dogs at war walking to Aaron’s house]
Nanci: I'm Nanci. I've dedicated my career to improving the lives of dogs and their
owners.
Chirag: And I'm Chirag. I'm focused on the behavior and welfare of cats with 29 years experience training dogs and cats under our belts.
Nanci: We're on our way to Aaron’s house for a behavioral intervention of a fat orange cat named Prim.
[The two enter Aaron’s house]
Chirag: Hey there, where are the pets?
Aaron: Right over there.
[The camera pans to Prim]
Prim: Meow.
Nanci: Bro why would you call us if it’s only a cat like bro our show is literally called cats and dogs at war not cats and owners at war like bro how stupid can you be did you not read the word dog bro?
Aaron: Uh… My neighbor’s dog…
Chirag: Don’t let your cat go near the dog and that’s it. Like was this really necessary?
Nanci: Like bro.
Aaron: Come on, this cat has scratched me and my friends so many times! He does it like everyday!
Nanci: Bro just castrate him or something idk bro.
Aaron: Castration?! I have only witnessed one castration and it was traumatizing! I can’t do that to my Prim!
Chirag: Goodbye.
[They walk out.]
Prim: Well that was an epic fail.
Aaron: Don’t get too relieved Prim, I know another person who knows a lot about cats…
[Cut to Zoltan and EB talking in the living room]
EB: So, what do you do for a living?
Zoltan: You see… I get my money from my buddy CartoonGuy. He, uh, drops off a few grands every once in a while.
EB: And in what field does your friend work in?
Zoltan: He’s a member of the mafia.
EB: Really? Wow. What a great father you are.
Zoltan: Aw thanks, people don’t tend to say that.
EB: Zoltan, you really need to get a proper job. Getting money from a mafia member is not a very legal way. And even if you don’t get a job, what if this CartoonGuy suddenly dies?
Zoltan: Well if you’re so smart about these jobs, what is yours?
EB: I make Roblox and Veggietales videos on YouTube.
Zoltan: And that’s how you support your family?
EB: It’s different, my family can stay afloat because my wife is a doctor.
Zoltan: Wow, didn’t know you were so woke.
Crazy: Hey, stop arguing, why don’t you just try to get along?
Zoltan: Shut up you stupid dog, you’re always trying to get us together. Why are you even trying to do that?
Crazy: (sigh) Okay, it’s about time I explain my plan and all of my actions. The reason why I was doing all this was to-
[Crazy explodes leaving a hole in the ground]
Zoltan: Huh.
EB: Zoltan, you need to understand, in functional families fathers provide, not take away from their children’s lives.
Zoltan: wot
EB: You need to stop drinking and get a job.
Zoltan: I HAVE STOPPED! And even if I would’ve continued drinking (which I didn’t) there would be no reason to stop as I already get enough money and Bot has quit her education and will focus on better and more important things in life like piracy.
EB: How did you even turn out like this…
Zoltan: It was you. You gave me that drink. So long ago…
EB: Well how was I supposed to know that you were going to turn out like this?
[The two look at each other close to crying; cut to Jess arriving at Aaron’s house]
Jess: OwO hiiiii I’m Jess.
Prim: Oh dear.
Aaron: Greetings, Jess. I heard that you were quite an expert at cats.
Jess: I am! So what seems to be the problem?
Aaron: My cat Prim… He’s very aggressive.
Jess: Hmm… Maybe he needs to get barbified.
Prim: NO PLEASE DON’T!
[Jess puts Prim into a bucket of pink paint]
Prim: The liberals turned me into a femboy…
Jess: An equally great way of treating cat aggressiveness is by expressing the thoughts through writing.
Prim: Bro I can’t even write all I do is eat lasa-
[Aaron throws a pen and paper at Prim]
Prim: Why don’t you just castrate me instead?
Jess: Don’t be silly, just write what you think about.
[Prim writes the world Lasagna all over the page and shows it to Jess]
Jess: Well, I didn’t want to do this, but…
[Cut to the Full Server gang walking into Zoltan’s house]
Zoltan: Oh my god! My old friends! I haven’t seen them in like… Over 20 years! They were my friends before I met EB. Actually I named my daughter Bot after user Paige. They are not the same characters.
Pluto: Yes that is right we are your friends.
Paige: We miss you Zoltan.
Jess: Please come back…
Elmo 5: Daddy…
Jarvis Zagna: You were like a son to me… 
Purple: Ni-
[Zoltan wakes up suddenly from this dream and sees EB shouting at him and beer bottles next to him]
EB: You fucking alcoholic. Can’t even go one day without getting drunk. I am not crazy! I know you swapped those numbers! I knew it was 1216. One after Magna Carta. As if I could ever make such a mistake. Never. Never! I just – I just couldn't prove it. You covered your tracks, you got that idiot at the mafia to lie for you. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? You’ve done worse. That talisman! Are you telling me that a man just happens to have something like that? No! You orchestrated it! Zoltan! You defecated through a sunroof! And I saved you! And I shouldn't have. I took you into my own firm! What was I thinking? You’ll never change. You'll never change! Ever since you were 20, always the same! Couldn't keep your hands out of the cash drawer! But not our Zoltan! Couldn't be precious Zoltan! Stealing them blind! And you get to be a lawyer!? What a sick joke! I should've stopped you when I had the chance!
Zoltan: Wh-what?
EB: You’re lucky I haven’t pressed charges. That’s it. I’m never coming back. 
Zoltan: EB, p-please hear (burp) me out.
EB: No because… I hate my ex-husband.
[EB shuts the door as he leaves]
Crazy: Oh my god, Zoltan, when will you learn that your actions have CONSEQUENCES?!
Cactus: All of those AA meetings were for nothing…
Bot: We had a good thing going, but you just had to blow it up…
[Zoltan is listening to all of this lying on the floor as the shouting turns into noise; cut to Aaron and Prim playing Yahtzee]
Aaron: Wow, Prim. You’re really normal and not an aggressive freak now. I guess it was the best option after all.
Prim: I am forever traumatized.
Aaron: Haha, you’re so silly. After this game I’ll get you some lasagnas.
Prim: Nothing will make me forget the horrors that I went through.
[Golf opens the door and walks in]
Golf: Aaron, Prim.
Aaron: Oh hi Golf.
Golf: I have returned from my vacation.
Aaron: That’s cool. Did you learn anything?
Golf: Well, for one, I realized that I was overreacting through everything. I think I really was wrong when I said that music was the enemy of the people. I just hope that you can forgive me after all I have done. I believe that as humans we can change positively and I have thought about every one of my actions. It really was me who was in the wrong most of the time. I was just trying to improve your life but in reality I made both of our lives worse.
Aaron: Wow, I really didn’t think I’d get to hear you say that, but-
Aaron: Just kidding, I was playing basketball with my buddy Elon Musk.
[Laugh track; cut to Zoltan thinking about what he has done]
Zoltan: (Sigh) I don’t even know what to do anymore.
Bot: Don’t be too hard on yourself, father.
Crazy: No, I think you should be very hard on yourself. I spent all of that time building your love up, all for your alcoholism to ruin it yet again.
Zoltan: Our relationship was destined to fail. I have nothing to live for now. Once Bot leaves this house, I will be alone again.
Bot: Well, Mike’s still out there. He could still come back and try to avenge French Guy or something.
Zoltan: If only I could go back in time with a time machine or something…
[The camera ominously zooms in on Zoltan’s talisman from the previous episode as the screen cuts to black]
== Patreon Supporters ==
* 
Category:I hate my child.
Category:I hate my child. episodes
Category:I hate my child. Season 2
Category:2023
Category:2020s
Category:2023 Episodes
Category:2023 Transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:Zoltan40
Category:CartoonGuy277
Category:AsaInChainz
Category:Episodes written by Zoltan40
Category:Episodes written by CartoonGuy277
Category:Shrek Productionz