High Risk Factor/Transcript

This is the transcript for High Risk Factor, which aired on December 17, 2020.
==Transcript==
Were you hoping I wouldn't notice? Sorry.
Overslept.
Too much partying? Eli, please.
Last party this guy went to had a pony ride.
Sticks and stones, Samantha.
I was worried about my donor.
She was out all night.
I called, I texted.
I thought she was dead.
Turns out she was selling fake I.
D.
s outside of a rave.
And then, on the way home, she stopped in the middle of a highway to rescue a kitten.
Aw.
No.
No "aw.
" It was totally irresponsible.
That's cold, Drew.
She saved a kitty cat.
I know, I sound ungrateful.
You are ungrateful.
And I know you hate me because I have a donor.
Nobody hates you.
Please do not speak for me.
I-I am just so stressed out.
I never know where she is or who she's with or if she's even coming home.
And that's when my imagination just Good afternoon.
Would you be interested in joining our cult? Would I? Come on in.
Oh, man.
They stole my kidney.
I was saving that for Drew.
That's what you're worried about? It does happen.
People do sell organs on the black market.
Do you have their number? A tracking app? Mm That feels kind of stalker-y.
It's not stalking.
Every parent at school has one with their kid so they know exactly where they are.
That's stalking.
Not if you love someone.
That's stalking.
I'm worried you don't know this.
Plus, if you ever need me, you know exactly where I am.
Oh, I always know where you are.
You're here.
Yeah, but what room? Ugh.
Is this the, uh traffic cat? Ooh, yes.
I'm calling her Bolognese because that's what you would have been if I didn't rescue you.
- I know - No.
Do not name it.
Once you name it, you're gonna want to keep it.
Will you unclench? I will find a nice home for her.
Thank you.
But you have to tell her.
- Very funny.
- I'm serious.
Tell her.
Okay, uh - Bolognese, I'm Drew, and - Don't worry.
Just because he has a name doesn't mean we have to keep him.
Cannoli, this is Bolognese.
Bolognese, Cannoli.
I expect you guys to play nice.
I don't want to see any stereotypical cats and dogs nonsense.
- Hey, Drew.
- Hey.
Guess where I am? Really? We're doing that again? Come on, come on.
Check the app.
You're upstairs? Pretty cool, huh? Okay.
I'm gonna go hide.
You try to find me on the app.
- What, Drew? - Hey.
I just noticed your phone battery was running a little low.
Oh.
Yeah, I forgot my charger.
Look in your purse.
You went in my purse? I just dropped it in from above.
Along with some apple slices.
Hey.
Me again.
I don't mean to be a pest, but I see that you're in Queens, and it's rather late.
Everything okay? Um, yeah, I'm just hanging out with a friend.
I'll be home soon.
Bye.
Do you live with your parents? No, but it's starting to feel that way.
Hey, guys.
This little cutie needs a home.
And if you DM me right now, I'll throw in a free case of my craft beer.
You better kick it up a notch, or I'll have to put a hat on you.
Honey, all I'm saying is it's never too early to start thinking about your college essay.
My father's getting a kidney transplant.
I think I have the essay in the bag.
- Hey.
- Hey.
All right, well, bye.
No hug, no kiss, love you, too.
See you Sunday.
Hey, uh can I ask you something? Is it about Drew? What'd he do now? Um You know what? It's okay.
No, no.
Tell me.
It'll make me feel better about leaving him.
It's just the insane control issues.
Mm-hmm.
Go on.
Is he always so uptight? He put this app on my phone so he can track my every move.
Thank God they didn't have that app when I was pregnant.
As it was, I always had to give him a "I am alive" call every time I got anywhere.
It's like, "Yes, Drew, I'm alive.
I'm just in the bathroom.
" And God forbid I'm five seconds late for a doctor's appointment.
Once, I was late to a Lamaze class.
He had a full-on panic attack.
He started hyperventilating.
By the time I got there, he was fully dilated.
Where does all that come from? Have you met his parents? No.
Gina, they are just two angry cats in a bag.
And Drew was always stuck in the middle, and you know, since he couldn't control that then, now Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh.
Speaking of cats Okay.
Can I interest you in a cat named Bolognese? Um - I don't think so.
- Wait, wait.
I've never been here before.
Yeah, this used to be my favorite bar when I lived in the city.
Haven't been here for years.
- How come? - My kids took my license away.
I've been running red lights all my life.
Now they're worried? For 75 bucks, I can get you a fake license.
Oh, but it's got to be West Virginia.
Oh, my God.
It's Drew again.
I'm not answering.
Good.
This is our girl time.
Hos before bros, isn't that what we say? Hell yeah.
He is not gonna stop.
What a noodge.
What is it, Drew? I'm in the middle of something.
Yeah, uh, well, I couldn't help but notice that you're in the city.
At a bar.
In not such a great neighborhood.
I'm hanging up.
What is that about? He's keeping tabs on me.
Oh, my God.
Seriously? Give me that.
You want to take your head out of your ass? - Who is this? - You want to worry? Wait till you're old enough to have something real to worry about.
Like if you need a hip replacement.
Or you have a stroke.
Or your doctor tells you you need a pacemaker.
Remind me to call my doctor tomorrow.
You do realize that my kidneys are failing.
Boo-hoo.
You have a beautiful angel here who's giving you one of hers.
So enjoy life, be happy, and let her have one lousy night out with her friends.
Anyone else you're pissed at? Hey.
Making chocolate chip cookies? No.
Just the dough.
Well, you can't just eat cookie dough.
What if I put it in ice cream? So the student has become the master.
Oh, great.
Everything okay? Yeah.
Yeah, it's just that Gina's at some place called The Thirsty Fish and I don't think it's an aquarium store.
It's not.
I'm guessing.
What? Are you tracking her? No, I'm not tracking her.
I'm just making sure she's okay.
By always knowing where she is.
Great.
My dad's a stalker.
That's what Gina said.
You do have control issues.
You're a therapist.
I pick stuff up.
- I hate when you and Mom track me.
- What? We don't track you.
What makes you think that? Give me your phone.
No.
Give it.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Yes, I was at Roosevelt Park yesterday, but so were a lot of kids.
We were all doing homework.
Nobody was drinking beer.
You really should stop talking.
And you shouldn't be tracking Gina.
She's not your kid.
Does it help to know that I'm just tracking a particular organ in her body? That is disgusting.
I hope I never have to repeat that in court.
Gina's cool.
Chill.
I don't think I have that setting.
But you're right.
I will turn off the app, try to relax.
Take a chill pill, as you kids say.
Or said.
At one point in time.
Saved it.
This is why I do homework at the park.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll clean up.
Thank you.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Gina, hello.
Uh, totally not checking up on you.
I've actually stopped that You can thank my daughter.
But I couldn't help but notice you're in the middle of the Hudson River? Could you just text me back real quick, let me know you're on a boat? That's not sinking? Later.
What? Oh, hey, you woke me up.
No, I didn't.
I saw you turn the light off when I pulled in the driveway.
Okay, okay, I-I'm sorry.
I won't do it again.
Better not.
I know how to take care of myself.
Been doing it, uh, my whole life.
I know.
I know you do.
All right, then.
Oh, and if you really want to worry, save it for next Saturday.
Why? What's next Saturday? Me and Gabby are going skydiving.
You're kidding.
Jumping out of a plane.
- You're not kidding.
- Sweet dreams.
She's kidding.
You're kidding, right?! Geronimo! Good one.
And then my anxiety really kicks in.
And when was the first time you experienced this kind of anxiety? Uh, probably my first real relationship.
I was 23, we had been dating about a year I am so sorry.
I forgot to turn my phone off.
Please, continue.
Oh, well, - - she started making these little comments about moving in together.
Uh-huh.
Go on.
That's all it took.
I mean, total panic.
- Mm-hmm.
- Tightening i-in my chest and my throat closing up.
- Sure, sure.
- The shortness of breath and-and the sweating.
- Uh-huh.
- And this horrible feeling like I was totally powerless over my own fate.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
I'll see you next Wednesday.
- Thanks, Drew.
- You bet.
Be good.
You know, something you said struck me That's our time.
Bye-bye.
Dog.
Okay.
The voice mailbox for Gina.
Is full.
Of course it is, because I already called like, a hundred times and she won't pick up.
Drew, stop.
You promised her you wouldn't do this.
Come on.
She'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
She's gonna die, I'm gonna die.
Don't be an idiot.
You piss her off, she bails, your kidney goes with her.
You're the idiot.
She jumps and dies, your kidney goes with her.
I have no idea which direction I'm driving in.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Hey.
What's up? What's up with you? Oh, nothing.
Just sitting here in my driveway alone with my thoughts.
Drew.
My kidney's getting ready to jump out of an airplane.
Wait What? Mike Rock's Skydiving Experience.
Gina's there now.
Boy, that kidney's gonna be bored once it's inside of you.
You always know the right thing to say.
Okay, look, while it may not be the most responsible choice, I'm sure she's gonna be fine.
Okay.
Here we go.
Do you know how many fatalities there were last year from skydiving? No, Google, I don't.
One, out of 100,000.
Okay.
Do you know how many people needed a transplant last year? One out of every 200,000, and I won that lottery.
Oh, for God's sake, don't, Drew.
Don't go down the Drew hole.
It is so dark and dismal.
Too late.
All right.
You know what? I give up.
You are a lost cause.
But don't drag that poor woman down into your misery.
She's a hero.
She is giving up a piece of her body to save you.
The least you can do is let her live her damn life.
Hello? What the hell are you thinking, jumping out of a plane? Uh, who is this? It's Julia.
Drew's ex-wife.
Don't go around offering up your kidney if you can't keep it alive.
Oh, you guys are freaking out about nothing.
This is completely safe.
- What is that? - Waiver in case the chute doesn't open.
Oh, okay.
Do you really have to do this now? Can't you wait until after the operation? Look, Julia, yes, I could die doing this.
I could also die in surgery.
But I'm not gonna die sitting on my ass, wishing I had a life.
Plus our Groupon expires next week.
Plus our Groupon expires next week.
Look, I get it, you're a free spirit.
But we don't always get to do everything we want.
You think I never wanted to jump out of a plane? Or-or go whitewater rafting or go on one of those safaris where you get to touch the giraffes? Girl, why didn't you? Uh, because Drew was always afraid something bad would happen.
Well, you're not married to him anymore, are you? Oh That was one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had.
You never would've done that when we were married.
I wouldn't have.
It-it was like I was jumping into my new life.
Thank you, Gina.
Aw, it-it's kind of cool.
I gave you a new life, I'm giving you a new life.
I'm handing out new lives all over the place.
And you know what? I love cats.
I will take that little fluff ball.
Oh, my God.
Now I'm giving a cat a new life.
My powers have no bounds.
I can't remember ever seeing you this happy.
Yeah, it's-it's 'cause I haven't been.
Is that my fault? No.
No, Drew, of course not.
It's mine.
I I let it happen.
Meet your new mommy, Bolognese.
Hello, sweetie.
Oh, look at us, just two gals starting out our new lives together.
Hey, do you know how to swipe right? Oh, no.
You're on Tinder? Oh, well, no, not yet.
But I know who's gonna be in my profile picture.
Yeah.
Single lady with a cat.
Every man's dream.
You okay? You need mouth-to-mouth? Because I'm only paid to do dialysis.
No, no, I'm just doing some breathing exercises.
I teach them to all my clients.
It's just a great way to let go of some anxiety, which, in my case, means Gina.
I don't know, I've got anxiety and I've been breathing my whole life.
How does it work? Well, if you ever have negative thoughts, you just focus on your breathing.
You want to try? - Sure.
- Why not? No, I have to e-mail an intern and rip her a new one.
What? It's how I relax.
Okay.
Well, um, you just breathe in deeply through your nose and then exhale slowly out your mouth.
Breathe in strength and exhale fear.
Oh, crap, I think I inhaled fear.
How do I get it out of me? Send it my way, Jer.
It makes me stronger.
Hey, I'm kind of feeling this.
It's like my teammates pouring Gatorade on my soul.
Yeah, it's a great way to just gain some peace and clarity.
Oh, come on.
Come on, come on.
Sometimes pills help, too.
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