Cavenfreak

This is the 4th episode of season 1 of SBFW's Got Talent.
==Transcript==
Nicholas: Welcome back once again to another episode of SBFW’s Got Talent! Today, I finally learned how to tie a tie! (his tie comes undone) COME ON-
(5 minutes later…)
Nicholas: Heh, sorry about that. Anyway, let’s get on to the auditions of the day. First up is Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: (his steps shake the stage) Hello, hello everyone. I am here to show you that I’m not just a fat pig. I’m a fat pig who can dance! (he starts dancing, but his weight lands him into the building’s basement floor)
Nicholas: Oh dear.
(Daddy Pig is in the basement, and Nicholas rushes downstairs to get him)
Daddy Pig: Hey, why is there so much beer down here? This is a family-friendly show! (he struggles to get out from the basement floor)
(Nicholas enters the basement)
Nicholas: Uhh it’s root beer. No need to worry about that. Let’s get you out of here.
Daddy Pig: As a professional Daddy Pig, I want my alcoholic drinks.
Nicholas: No.
Daddy Pig: Gimme my drinks!
Nicholas: No!
Daddy Pig: I need to go to extra measures to get my beer.
Narrator: Daddy Pig needs to go to extra measures to get his beer.
Nicholas: We know that already!
Daddy Pig: (s n o r t s and causes an earthquake, making Nicholas’ wig fall off)
Nicholas: That’s it. You’re disqualified.
Daddy Pig: Oh darn. (gets kicked out by Nicholas)
Nicholas: (now up to the main floor) Sorry about that. Daddy Pig is disqualified.
(the crowd boos)
Nicholas: Shut up. None of you probably have any friends. Anyways, up next is-
Billy Mays: HI BILLY MAYS HERE!
Nicholas: ...Billy Mays.
Billy Mays: Do you want a product that you’ll probably only use once and never use again? I’ve got you covered! Oxi-Bean is the best bean to eat! It cleans your soul over and over again! Only $5.99. But wait, there’s more! Pay another $5.99 and you get another Oxi-Bean for the price of one Oxi-Bean! What a deal! Buy right now!
Gordon Ramsey: I want your entire stock.
Gene: Ramsey!
Gordon Ramsey: What? I want that Oxi-Bean.
Nicholas: Anyone else? (silence) Well then. Billy Mays, you’re in!
Billy Mays: BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! (gets pushed away by Nicholas)
Nicholas: There is more, in the next contestant: Garviel! (massive applause)
Garviel: Ni- CAT!
(the judges laugh except for Gene)
Garviel: Done.
Ramsey: I can tell he’s limited to three words.
Gene: Not funny. Didn’t laugh. (buzz)
Garviel: AW COME ON!
Ramsey: Make that six.
Nicholas: Anyone else want to input? (silence) Guess not. Garviel is in! (audience cheers and whistles)
Gene: I don’t get what’s so great about Garviel.
NC: Ah, Gene, I can tell you aren’t very cultured like we are.
Gene: I take offense!
Nicholas: Alright, settle down, everyone. Up next is… uhh… the DUUUUUEEUEUUEUEGGHH Fish.
DUUUUUEEUEUUEUEGGHH Fish: That’s not my real name, but okay. Anyway, I’m here to show you how to defend yourself against a sea bear without a sea bear circle. Bring ‘em in, boys. (A sea bear suddenly shows up on the stage and immediately spots DUUUUUEEUEUUEUEGGHH Fish, and goes after him) This is not what I was expecting! (The sea bear rips off his shorts) DUUUEEUUGHH! MY SHORTS! (The DUUUUUEEUEUUEUEGGHH Fish eventually runs out of energy and gets swallowed by the Sea Bear)
Nicholas: MAN, I feel sorry for whoever had to write the transcript for this one.
Gene: Indeed. (buzz)
NC: Nostalgia for The Camping Episodes is buzzing in. (buzz)
AVGN: (buzz)
Ramsey: Finally some good fricking action. (buzz)
Nicholas: Sorry, DUUUUUEEUEUUEUEGGHH Fish, you’re out.
DUUUUUEEUEUUEUEGGHH Fish: DEEEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUE-
Nicholas: Get that sea bear outta here before it causes any more trouble. (A professional picks up the sea bear and throws it out of the building. Don’t ask.) The final contender for tonight is… Cavenpuss!
(Cavenpuss is pushed onstage, and everyone immediately screams)
Cavenpuss: Ugh, gimme a break. You’d think people would be used to me.
Gene: What is that abomination?
Cavenpuss: Don’t ask. Just watch. (he pulls out a boombox and turns on some random Justin Bieber song, and he starts breakdancing to it)
Gene: Decent moves for a freak.
Cavenpuss: I heard that. (keeps breakdancing)
NC: I still can’t get over the fact that this abomination is a thing.
AVGN: You think that’s bad? Just look in the men’s locker room after midnight.
NC: I’m not even gonna ask…
AVGN: I’m not even paying attention to the breakdancing at this point.
Ramsey: Shush. I’m trying to watch a freak show here!
(Cavenpuss finishes breakdancing)
AVGN: I have very mixed feelings.
NC: Lemme guess, it’s the locker room.
AVGN: Uh… shut up!
Nicholas: Settle down, everyone. Anyone wanna buzz?
Gene: (buzz) I like buzzing.
Ramsey: I don’t. It hurts my ears.
Gene: (buzzes again) How about NOW?
Ramsey: That’s it! (he tackles Gene and a full-on fight happens. The audience is screaming “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!”)
Nicholas: Settle down, you two! (he tries to break up the fight, but gets a black eye while trying) Oh dear.
Nicholas Cage: I’ll handle this! (he breaks up Gene and Ramsey successfully) Just call me Nicholas… Cage!
Nicholas: Hey we have the same first name!
Nicholas Cage: I know, right?!
(The two Nicholases keep talking to each other as the judges sigh)
Nicholas: Oh yeah, and Cavenpuss is in.
(Meanwhile, backstage…)
???: Are you ready for your big show, [redacted]?
???: I sure am! Go, Annie!
Annie: I’m not the one performing. You are.
???: What?! This is a scam!
Annie: Sorry, [redacted], you’re up in the next one.
???: The show must go on, then.
(End of episode)
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