That's Entertainment/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "That's Entertainment". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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[The scene opens with a voiceover of the princess of Hell singing "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows".]
Charlie: ♫ At the end of the rainbow, there's happiness. ♫
[A human is shown falling down from the sky as a rainbow bursts upwards through the clouds.]
Charlie: ♫ And, to find it, how often I've tried. ♫
[Charlie is seen being told off by her father.]
Charlie: ♫ But, my life, is a race. Just a wild goose chase. ♫
[Camera pans over to where a figure was pointing at, which shows Hell being circled by Angels.]
Charlie: ♫ And, my dreams, have all been denied. / Why have I always been a failure? ♫
[A shadow of Lucifer looms over a disappointed Charlie as demonic arms and tentacles cover the screen.]
Charlie: ♫ What can the reason be? / I wonder if the world's to blame. ♫
[The Earth rotates as many eyes begin to surround it.]
Charlie: ♫ I wonder if it could be me. ♫
[The Exorcists are seen smiling deviously as they look down upon the souls they have gotten rid of. The scene turns to black as the camera focuses on the middle Exorcist's face and halo.]
Charlie: ♫ I'm always chasing rainbows. / Watching clouds drifting by. ♫
[The scene fades in on graffiti and signs that says "Fuck You, Heaven", "Punishment" and "Your Days Are Numbered" can be seen throughout Hell.]
Charlie: ♫ My schemes are just like all my dreams. / Ending in the sky. ♫
[Charlie heads towards the hotel's balcony as she releases fireworks that signals the rest of Hell that the Extermination has ended.]
Charlie: ♫ Some fellows look and find the sunshine. ♫
[A handful of demons are seen checking the area to see if the coast is all clear.]
Charlie: ♫ I always look and find the rain. ♫
[Carmilla Carmine opens the blinds to her room, revealing the display of fireworks. The camera then proceeds to show Zestial and Zeezi, as well as Lucifer himself hiding in the shadows, present in the same room as her.]
Charlie: ♫ Some fellows make a winning sometime. ♫
[At Porn Studios, Velvette takes a selfie with Vox whereas Valentino is not amused when he sees that he got a text from his employee.]
Charlie: ♫ I never even make a gain. / Believe me. ♫
[Odette and another demon pull out an angelic spear from a corpse and leave as the cannibals waiting nearby pounce on her dead body. Rosie then crosses out Franklin's name from the sign above their business.]
Charlie: ♫ I'm always chasing rainbows. ♫
[A demon can be seen cleaning up what's been left of the Extermination as other demons begin to freely walk about in the open.]
Charlie: *in tears* ♫ Waiting to find a little bluebird... in vain. ♫
[Charlie looks back at the Clock Tower as it resets the timer for the next yearly cleanse.]
----
[A sinner has fallen into Hell and has been transformed into a demon. He falls face-first onto the road and is surprised to see that he is still "alive".]
Four-armed Demon: Aaaaah! *lands* Ugh. Huh? *checks himself* I'm alive! I'm alive-
[He then gets run over by a taxi driven by Travis which Angel Dust walks out of. Travis snickers.]
Travis: Heh. Thanks for the fun time, hot stuff!
Angel Dust: *pushes his hand through his hair* Yeah, yeah, listen. *Fixes his hair more* Keep this discreet, you hear me? I can't let it get out I'm offerin' my services to randos on the street! It was a quick cash grab *makes a gesture with his fingers and snaps his fingers at him, smiling*. Ya got it?
Travis: Pfft! Whatever you say, slut! Muhehehehehehe!
Angel Dust: *pretends to be offended* Ouch! Ooh! *turns back to face him* Such an insult! Let me know when you've come up with something creative to call me *looms over Travis and points at him with all his index fingers*, you sack of poorly packaged horse shit! Tell the missus I said "hi" *kisses him*, Shnuckums!
Travis: *defeatedly* Pack a - puh...
[As Travis angrily drives off, Angel looks behind him to see a vending machine for his namesake drugs. He goes for the angel dust and just as he gets a hold of it, a random demon runs by and steals his drugs.]
Feathered Demon: Yoink!
Angel Dust: *annoyed* Hey!
Feathered Demon: Up yours, drag show!
[A boulder proceeds to fall out of the sky, crushing the feathered demon alongside Angel's drugs. Angel gasps.]
Angel Dust:  Oh, my GOD! *leans in to pick up what's left of his pack of drugs with a devastated look on his face* MY DRUGS! *clenches the cloth angrily and looks up* Damn it!
[A war ship can be seen passing by, destroying its surroundings.]
----
[The camera zooms in on the war ship, revealing Sir Pentious and the Egg Boiz inside.]
Sir Pentious: *operating the controls to his ship* Ahahahahahahahahahahah! Those other cowardly ssssinners dare not hinder my territorial take over! A wise decision! The power of my machines are unmatched! *proceeds to push two levers as his hood flares open* No other demon can compare to the likesss of I!
Egg Boi #23: Gee! That was pretty swell, boss!
Egg Boi #666: Yeah!
Other Egg Boi: You really showed them what for! I liked when you *his hand mimics the action of a shooting ray gun* shot them with your ray gun! *gets slapped away by Sir Pentious*
Egg Boi #23: I wish he'd shoot me with his ray gun! *Other Egg Boi pats him*
Sir Pentious: *hood flares open* At this rate, I will seize control of the entire west side of The Pentagram by day's end! *pushes a few buttons* And nothing, *pulls levers towards him* not a single beast in this inferno of suffering will be able to take back this empire from *squeezes an Egg Boi with his tail* my constrictive grasp!
[An Egg Boi suddenly pops on screen and pops open a bottle of whiskey onto Sir Pent's face. Sir Pent proceeds to swat said Egg Boi aside before throwing the squeezed Egg Boi aside as well.]
Random Egg Boi: Oh, boy!
Sir Pentious: Hell will be mine! And everybody will know the name of Sir Pen-
[Sir Pentious is interrupted by a scream coming from offscreen. Sir Pent and two Egg Boiz become surprised.]
Cherri Bomb: EDGELORD!
Sir Pentious: *offended* Pardon?! *looks around angrily and eyes the two Egg Boiz behind him* Who said that?! What did you just say to me, you fried chicken fetuses?! *hisses* Speak up!
The Two Egg Boiz: *petrified* That wasn't us, Mr. Bossman.
[A small bomb with a print of a skull on it breaks through Sir Pent's ship. It then lands right between Sir Pent and the two Egg Boiz. The bomb proceeds to blow up, leaving red smoke behind.]
Sir Pentious: *coughs and hacks*
[As the smoke clears up, the owner of the scream is revealed to be Cherri Bomb as she prepares another bomb in hand.]
Cherri Bomb: You lookin' for a fight, old man?! *begins to juggle around her cherry bomb* Why don't you get that tinker toy bullshit off my turf before I *proceeds to throw and catch the bomb* smash it?!
[A large pipe falls on top of an already dead Egg Boi, crushing him as Sir Pent and Cherri momentarily look at the carnage.]
Cherri Bomb: *grins sadistically* ....More!
Sir Pentious: Oh! *hood flares open* You wanna go, missy?! Well, I'm happy to oblige! Ahahah!
[Sir Pentious is then backed up by his henchmen of Egg Boiz.]
----
[The logo for 666 News is shown on a black background, which is followed by the day's newscast.]
Katie Killjoy: Good afternoon, I'm Katie Killjoy.
Tom Trench: And I'm Tom Trench! Chaos out at Pentagram City today as a turf war is raging on the west side!
[An image of Sir Pentious trying to be hip, followed by a drawing of Cherri flipping the bird is shown.]
Tom Trench: Between notable kingpin, Sir Pentious, and self-proclaimed spunky powerhouse, Cherri Bomb!
Katie Killjoy: That's right, Tom! After the recent Extermination, many areas are now up for grabs! Demons all over Hell are already duking it out to gain new territory!
[A live clip of Cherri and Sir Pentious's clash is shown.]
Tom Trench: Those two seem to be really going at it, huh?
Katie Killjoy: Looks like they're fighting tooth and nail *fishes out a tooth and a nail respectively from her mug of coffee* for that hot spot! *proceeds to swallow said tooth and nail*
Tom Trench: *looking over at the live broadcast focusing on Cherri* And I'd sure like to nail her hot spot! *wiggles eyebrows* Hoohoo!
Katie Killjoy: Haha, you are a limp-dick jackass, Tom! Or should I say - *pours scalding hot coffee onto his crotch* no dick?
Tom Trench: *curls over in pain* Ugh...not again!
(Screen shows a picture of Charlie as Tom can still be heard whimpering in pain in the background.)
Katie Killjoy: Coming up next, we have an exclusive interview with the daughter of Hell's own head honcho who's here to discuss her brand new passion project! All that and more, after the break! *crushes her mug in her hand and turns to Trench who's still in pain* Suck it up, you little bi-!
(The news cast cuts off and goes on a commercial break.)
----
[The camera pans out from a nearby screen, focusing on Charlie and her girlfriend as she fixes Charlie's bow.]
Vaggie: *exhales* Okay! You remember what to say?
Charlie: *inhales* Yes! Let's do this!
Vaggie: (in a serious tone) Just, look at me and I'll mouth it to you.
Charlie: Come on, Vaggie! *bends backward* I know what to say! I just feel like we need to...I don't know, *grabs and throws a doughnut away* make things sound more exciting! *Gasps* Hooo! What if I si-
Vaggie: *cutting Charlie off* -Sing a song about it?
Charlie: You knew I was gonna say that! *boops Vaggie on the nose*
Vaggie: Because I know you *fixes her bow again*. But, please don't sing! *shakes Charlie* This is serious!
Charlie: Well, you know, I'm better at expressing myself and my goals through song!
[Charlie stands on the table where Razzle and Dazzle are happily munching on doughnuts, watching her.]
Vaggie: But, life isn't a musical, hon. *places hands on hips*
Charlie: Fine. But, I have these other ideas of what to say! *starts bouncing a bit as she shows Vaggie a piece of paper* The highlighted bits are the best part!
Vaggie: Uh, it's all highlighted. *squints* Is this a drawing...?
Charlie: Yes! That's the happy ending, see?! *begins to fantasize* Everyone smiling and happy in Heaven!
Vaggie: *pinches the bridge of her nose* I don't think it's that simple. Just please follow the talking points we went over. And *grabs Charlie to face her* do not sing!
Charlie: Okay, fiiiine. (in a faux British accent) I'll just have to resort to my impeccable improv skills! *salutes Vaggie as she walks over to Katie Killjoy*
Charlie: (nervously) Hiii! I'm Charlie. *tries to go for a handshake*
Katie Killjoy: Katie Killjoy. *blows out the smoke of her cigarette* I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a lie. *throws away her cigarette* And you can put that away. *gestures to Charlie's hand* I don't touch the gays. I have standards!
Charlie: Yeah? How's uh... how's that working out for ya? [turns to look at the "Hell's #1 News" neon sign behind her]
Katie Killjoy: Look, my time is money. So, I'll keep this short. [proceeds to poke Charlie's chest and nose] You're not here because we wanted you here. You're here because Jeffrey couldn't make it for his cannibal cooking segment.
[A billboard of Jeffrey's cannibalism cooking show titled "It's Dahm Good!" can be seen in the background.]
Katie Killjoy: You might be some royal big shot *fluffs her hair*, but that doesn't mean shit to me. I'm too rich and too influential to give a flying fuck about what some tux-wearing demon *does air quotes with her fingers* "princess" wants to advertise.
[Tom can be seen shaking his head in disapproval as Katie boasts about her wealth and influence to Charlie.]
Charlie: But, I-
Katie Killjoy: *continues to poke her chest* So, don't get cute with me, honey, or I will fucking bury you!
News Staff: And we're live!
[Killjoy rushes back to her desk, holding papers while cracking her neck.]
Katie Killjoy: Welcome back! So, Charlotte!
Charlie: It's... Charlie. *smiles nervously as a spotlight flashes her way*
Katie Killjoy: Whatever. Tell us about this new passion project you've been insistently pestering our news station about! *tries to hold in her outburst by clenching her pen*
Charlie: *looks around as Vaggie motions her to go on* Well, *clears throat and exhales* as most of you know, I was born here in Hell and growing up, I always tried to see the good in everyone around me.
[Killjoy spots a slug and stabs it with her pen, the slug's blood bursts all over.]
Charlie: Hell is my home and- *gets slug blood splattered across her cheek which she then wipes off* you are my people. We... we just went through another Extermination.
[Vaggie is seen giving Charlie two thumbs up as Killjoy quickly starts to lose interest.]
Charlie: We lost so many souls, and it breaks my heart to see my people being slaughtered every year. No one is even given *slams fist on table, waking Killjoy up* a chance! *walks up from Killjoy's desk* I can't stand idly by while the place I live is subjected to such violence! So, I've been thinking: Isn't there a more humane way to hinder overpopulation here in Hell? *walks around the audience* Perhaps we can create an alternative way to change souls through... redemption? *throws her arm around one of the News Cast's staff members* Well, I think yes! So, that's what this project aims to achieve! *returns to Killjoy's desk* Ladies and gentlemen, I'm opening the first of its kind! A hotel that rehabilitates sinners!
[Her broadcast is being shown at The Radio Shack, which many other demons are also watching by the streets and everywhere else in Hell.]
Charlie: *starts to lose her confidence* Y'know? 'Cause hotels are for people passin' through... temporarily...
Lizard Demon: Ahahaha! IS this girl for real?! She thinks- *tries to hold in his laughter* You hear what she thinks?! She thi- HAHA! Ah, she's nuts. *walks out of The Kaiju Klub with his friends, Zeezi and another demon*
Charlie: I think it'll serve a purpose... a place to work toward redemption... yay...!
[The scene cuts back to the demons watching her broadcast from The Radio Shack. A mysterious figure walks up to see her broadcast alongside a bunch of other demons watching, including Crymini.]
Cameraman Demon: *snickers* Stupid bitch.
Vaggie: *punches the cameraman square in the face*
Charlie: *looks around, saddened* Look, every single one of you has something good, deep down inside. I know you do! ...Maybe I'm not getting through to you.
[Razzle and Dazzle are then alerted that Charlie's about to sing and that she may need their back-up vocals.]
Vaggie: *facepalms* Oh, no...
[Charlie snaps her fingers as the room turns dark and a spotlight is shown over a piano that Charlie, Razzle and Dazzle start performing on. Meanwhile, back at The Radio Shack, Alastor and his shadow can be seen tilting their heads curiously as their smiles widen.]
Charlie: ♫ I have a dream, I'm here to tell! / *walks away from the piano as two news staff look at each other* About a wonderful fantastic new *takes out a drawing of the Happy Hotel* hotel! ♫
Charlie: ♫ Yes, it's one-of-a-kind! Right here in Hell, catering to a specific clientele *boops Dazzle's nose*. ♫
Razzle and Dazzle: ♫ Oooh, ooh, ooh~ ♫
[Killjoy is in shock as Trench looks around, confused.]
Charlie: ♫ Inside of every demon is a rainbow *throws her arm around the necks of two bird demons*! Inside every sinner is a shiny smile *passes underneath a hellhound's tail*! Inside of every creepy hatchet-wielding maniac is a jolly, happy cupcake-loving child *hands the masked demon a sparkling cupcake and pats his head*! ♫
Charlie: ♫ We can turn them 'round! *turns to Killjoy and Trench* They'll be Heaven-bound! With just a little time, down at the Happy Hotel! *camera pans to the audience where Vaggie stands with a disappointed expression* ♫
Charlie: ♫ So, all you junkies *takes out syringe from a doll demon's head*, freaks *takes a pic with a Siamese twin demon in its cage*, and weirdos *fends off a several-eyed blob demon*. Creepers *stares at a snail demon out the window*, fuck-ups *boops a couch demon on the nose*, crooks, and zeroes *returns the stolen money to charity*, and down-fallen superheroes *throws her hands behind the necks of two supervillain demons*, help is here! ♫
Charlie: ♫ All of you cretins *dips her hair into the water by the pier*, sluts *holds out a pair of panties in disgust*, and losers *calls her rival a loser*, sexual deviants *backs away from the sex offenders*, and boozers *turns to face a depressed demon*, and prescription drug abusers *throws away the drugs a blue demon is taking into a burning trash can*, need not fear!
Charlie: ♫ Forever again *A demon lands on a wheelchair and is pushed by Razzle towards Charlie and Dazzle*, we'll cure your sin *shows the demon her clipboard*! We'll make you well *Dazzle injects a happiness serum into the patient*, you'll feel so swell! Right here in Hell *briefly turns to her full demonic form*, at the Happy Hotel! ♫
[Razzle continues to aggressively play the piano.]
Charlie: ♫ *slides over to Killjoy's right* There'll be no more fire, *slides over to Trench's left* and no more screams. Just puppy dog kisses *holds a dog close to her face*, and cotton candy dreams *holds out a stick of cotton candy*, and puffy-wuffy clouds *cuddles both the dog and cotton candy*, you're gonna be like "Wow!" *camera pans out showing the clouds forming the word "Wow!"* Once you check in with meee *shows a check-in chart*! ♫
[Vaggie is seen with both her hands covering her face.]
Charlie: ♫ So, all your cartoon porn addictions *confiscates a neckbeard demon's cartoon porn magazine*, vegan rants *confiscates a vegan demon's Hellphone and takes a selfie with it*, psychic predictions *confiscates the spell books and crystal ball of a psychic demon*, ancient Roman crucifixions *avoids running into a crucified demon and knocks over two other crucified demons*, end right here *throws away all the confiscated items off a cliff*! ♫
Charlie: ♫ All you monsters *clenches the hands of two monstrous demons*, thieves, and crazies *points finger guns over a dog demon trying to steal baguettes from an insect demon whose hood flares open*, cannibals *tempts the cannibals with a severed arm on a plate*, and crying babies *looks at a possum mother and her rabid babies, annoyed*, frothing mouths that's full of rabies filled with cheer *pulls a hellhound with rabies close to her*! ♫
Charlie: ♫ You'll be complete *completes a puzzle demon as the camera pans out*! It'll be so neat *a wrecking ball demon destroys the puzzle demon as Charlie gives two thumbs up*! Our service can't be beat *in her bellhop uniform*! You'll be on easy street, yes *hugs three demons, which include Mimzy*! Life will be sweet *turns to her demonic form* at the Happy Hoteeel *twirls happily in flames as she jumps up, revealing a land made of candies and sweets behind her*! Yeah! ♫
[Charlie ends the song, rather exhausted as everyone in the news station looks at her with disgust and disbelief.]
Top Hat Demon: Wow! ...That was shit!
[Everyone in the audience including Killjoy and Trench begin to laugh at Charlie. Charlie looks crushed and devastated and slumps back down to her seat. There was a boo section in the news and the demons look uninterested]
Blue Flame Demon: *deadpan* Booooo!
Katie Killjoy: What in the Nine Circles makes you think a single denizen of Hell would give two shits about becoming a better person?! You have no proof that this little experiment even works! You want people to be good?! Just... because?! *continues to laugh*
Charlie: Well, we have a patron already, who believes in our cause and he's shown incredible progress!
Katie Killjoy: *feigns shock* Oh? And who might that be?
Charlie: *tries to look smug and confident* Oh, just someone named... Angel Dust!
Tom Trench: The porn star?
Katie Killjoy: *turns to him menacingly* You fucking would, Tom! *turns back to Charlie* In any case, that's not even an accomplishment. I'm sure you could get that hooker to do anything with enough booger sugar and lube *motions doing a handjob*.
Charlie: Oh, I beg to differ! *begins to count on her fingers* He's been behaved, clean, and out of trouble for two weeks now.
News Staff: *offscreen* Breaking News!
[Killjoy shoves Charlie off her desk.]
Katie Killjoy: We are receiving word that a new player has entered the ongoing turf war! Let's go to the live feed.
[The live feed shows Angel Dust stepping on an Egg Boi and throwing a grenade over at Sir Pentious with visible laughter in the background as Charlie stares at the screen in defeat.]
Charlie: Oh... shit.
Angel Dust (in the background): I'm a bad person!
Katie Killjoy: "Oh, shit" indeed! It looks like the one who just joined the battle is none other than *feigns a gasp* porn actor, Angel Dust! *turns to Charlie as she shakes her fist* What a juicy coincidence! You must feel really stupid, right now.
[Killjoy and Trench proceed to laugh at Charlie.]
Killjoy and Trench: *does Jazz hands* Ratings!
[Charlie stares at the live feed in distress and attempts to block it from the audience's view.] 
Charlie: Don't look at this!
Katie Killjoy: Well, it sure looks like your little project is dead on arrival. *looms over Charlie* Tell us, how does it feel to be a total failure? *everyone in room start bursting into laughter*
Charlie: *tries to think of a comeback* Yeah, well... *looks around* How does it feel that I got your pen, huh?! *grabs Killjoy's ballpen* ...Bitch!
[Everybody instantly stops laughing while Katie Killjoy and Tom Trench give her the death stare]
Charlie: *nervously* Ehehe... *puts pen back down* Oops.
[Tom Trench runs off set.]
[Killjoy's demonic form reveals itself as she looms over Charlie from the shadows.]
----
[Purplish red smoke transitions into Angel Dust and Cherri Bomb fighting Egg Boiz.]
Cherri Bomb: Heyyy, thanks for the back up, Angie!
Angel Dust: Hahaha! 
[Cherri Bomb fires a rocket launcher.]
Angel Dust: You kiddin'? This is the best action I've seen in ages! *puts hands behind his head*
Cherri Bomb: *launching another cherry bomb* Where've you been, anyway? I thought you up and died or some shit.
Angel Dust: *lighting a bomb and handing it to her* Oh, I wish! I've been staying at this crappy hotel on the other side of town. Some broads are lettin' me stay rent-free if I play nice.
[They both cover their heads as the explosion sets off behind them, then grin at each other as they jump into the field.]
Angel Dust: *Continues to shoot down Egg Boiz with what seems to be a drum mag M1928 Thompson* Y'know, no fights, no pranks, no "problematic language"... Her words, not mine. *steps on a broken tile, launching an Egg Boi airborne and shoots him from behind as he sighs again* These crazy bitches are no fun! I've been clean for two weeks!
Cherri Bomb: *in disbelief, smiling* Ho-ly shit!
Angel Dust: *looks at the leftover smudge on his finger* Well, sorta clean. *destroys an incoming Egg Boi* Just clean as you can get from a shitload of Bolivian marching powder! *gets chained and thrown aside by Sir Pentious*
Angel Dust: Ohh!~ Harder, Daddy! *raises left eyebrow*
Sir Pentious: *taking it seriously as he gasps* Son?!
[Angel lowers eyebrow as Cherri kicks Sir Pentious to the side.]
Sir Pentious: *hood flares open* Grr! You whores have no classss! In war, The side remembered is the side with the most ssstyle! *adjusts tie*
Cherri Bomb: Or the side that ain't dead! *decapitates an Egg Boi*
Angel Dust: *stands up and removes the chains restricting him* Speakin' a style, is your hat like, alive or something?
Sir Pentious: Oh! Well, that's none of your GOD DAMN BUSSSSINESS! Now, is it?
Angel Dust: Hah, would that make your hat the top and you the bottom?
[A sign that says "Loser" can be seen in the background pointing at Sir Pentious as an Egg Boi acknowledges the roast.]
Egg Boi: *cups hands* Oooooh! *gets pebble thrown at him by Sir Pentious*
Sir Pentious: (enraged) I'm going to blow you to bitssss!
Angel Dust: *eyes him up and down* Hm, kinky!
Sir Pentious: Oh, not like that! *hood flares open as a sign that says "Pussy" can be seen pointing at him in the background* Pervert! *knocks over an Egg Boi*
[Angel notices an Egg Boi with a tentacle launcher which causes him to push Cherri to the side out of fear.]
[Angel gets tangled up in all the tentacles.]
Sir Pentious: Not so cocky now, are we?!
Angel Dust: (unamused) Y'know, you really gotta watch what comes outta ya mouth. I've been making these sex jokes the whole *limbs gets pulled on as Sir Pentious reveals a drill which jump starts* TIME! *reveals his third pair of arms carrying a gun* And it's obvious ya ain't catchin' on. I mean, it's just *pulls out M1928* sad! *shoots it at Sir Pentious*
Cherri Bomb: So, think you're gonna get in a lotta trouble for this?
Angel Dust: Eh, *retracts his third set of arms* what's one little brawl gonna cause?
----
[Charlie and Killjoy can be seen trying to duking it out on each other like it's some sort of WWE match while a fire alarm goes off in the background with Trench entering the scene, covered in flames.]
Tom Trench: WHY WON'T ANYONE HELP ME?!
----
Cherri Bomb: Glad you haven't changed! *slugs him on the arm* You know you're my favorite guy to party with!
Angel Dust: You know it, sugar tits!
Cherri Bomb: *takes out one last bomb* You ready to finish this?
Angel Dust: *takes out Thompson gun* Born ready, baby!
[Angel and Cherri pounce onto Sir Pentious and his army as they prepare to clash, Charlie and Killjoy are still at each other's throats screaming, Trench is still on fire, screaming in agony. The camera shows all the characters present, screaming as the scene turns silent.]
----
[The royal family limousine can be seen driving back to the hotel. Charlie can be seen hugging her knees and looking out the window when her jacket is ruined after Katie Killjoy attacked her, while Vaggie sits next to her, glaring furiously at Angel Dust.]
[Charlie sighs as Vaggie's eye twitches at Angel Dust, who can be seen amusing himself by playing with the car window roller repeatedly.]
[Vaggie scrunches up her face.]
Angel Dust: *taking notice* ...What?
Vaggie: "What?", "WHAT?!" What were you DOING?! *rips off bits of her hair*
Angel Dust: *sighs* I owed my girl buddy a solid! Isn't that a "redeeming quality"? *does air quotes* Helping friends with stuff? *rolls eyes*
Vaggie: Not with turf wars that result in territorial genocide!
Angel Dust: Eh, you win some, you lose a few hundred. Ehahahahahah! *inhales* It wasn't that bad, anyway. *proceeds to play with the button of the car window roller* 
[Vaggie throws an unfolded pocket knife at the window roller.]
Angel Dust: Aw, come on! I had to! *brushes back hair* My credibility was on the line! I mean, what kind of reputation would I have if people found out I was tryna go clean? It just throws out my entire persona! *suggestively pushes up chest floof*
Vaggie: Your credibility? What about the hotel's?! *gestures at a defeated Charlie* Your little stunt made us look like a fucking joke! *combusts*
Angel Dust: *scoffs* No, no, no, babe. Jokes are funny! I made you look... uh, sad! *camera pans to Charlie* And pathetic! Like an orphan... with no arms... or legs... Oh! With progeria! *camera focuses back on him* Great! Now I'm bummed thinkin' about it! *starts looking around the limousine* This thing have any liquor?
Vaggie: Can you please just try to take this seriously?!
Angel Dust: *flicks off a dust bunny* Fine, I'll try. Just don't get your taco in a twist, baby! *snaps finger at her while smiling*
Vaggie: Was that you trying to be sexist or racist?!
Angel Dust: *groans* Whatever pisses you off more. Is there seriously no liquor in here?!
Vaggie: *returns to sit next to Charlie as she crosses her arms* I'm gonna kill 'im.
Angel Dust: Too late, toots. Wait! Would that make me double dead? Hah, and where exactly do I go? To Double Hell? Hahahahahahahaha! Sorry, you're stuck with me, bitch - get used to it. *folds arms confidently*
Vaggie: *angrily, as she grits her teeth* ¡Con una mierda, malparido hijo de-! (For fuck's sake, you bastard son of-!)
Angel Dust: Listen, who cares if some jack-offs got hurt? Most of 'em are ugly freaks. Look around! *looks out the limousine window, smirking* You got a bunch a fuckin' Harlequin babies down here! *laughing*
Vaggie: You're one to talk. *smiles smugly*
Angel Dust: Hey! *motions to his body* This body is flawless! Everyone wants summa me, *pushes up chest fluff and takes out a letter* and I've got the creepy fan letters to prove it!
[Takes letter from in between his chest floof and reveals it to Vaggie that features a small picture of a dirty naked old man, who ironically has a "No Angel Dust" tattoo, smothering his mouth on an Angel Dust body pillow and a message at the bottom saying "Show me your feet!! -Bryrin, #1 Fan/Critic".]
Vaggie: Grrr...
Charlie: That was really uncool, y'know, Angel.
Vaggie: "Uncool"?! After that train-wreck, there is no way anyone is gonna wanna stay at the hotel! *looks toward Angel Dust* All thanks to *points at him* you and your selfish bullshit!
Angel Dust: Does that mean I don't have a free room anymore?
[Vaggie motions "What do you think?"]
Angel Dust: *snaps finger* Ah...well, shucks.
Charlie: Hey, come on. *takes off ruined jacket* We don't know if things are over yet! Try to relax, Vaggie. *puts a hand on Vaggie's left shoulder* I-it'll be okay!
[Vaggie smiles at Charlie softly.]
----
[The limousine arrives at the hotel as the hotel door opens, revealing a very old and dirty establishment.]
Vaggie: *throws herself on the couch, facing the wall* Ugh!
Angel Dust *rummages through the fridge leaning by the wall and grabbing a box of Popsies.*
Angel Dust: Eh, it's probably a good idea to get some actual food in this place. Y'know, to feed all the wayward souls you got in here! Ahahaha! Ahaha...! eh... ah... *he closes the fridge door as he tries to comfort Charlie but decides to back off*
[Charlie exits the hotel and tries to contact her mother.]
Charlie: *sighs* Hey, mom. I know I keep calling and you must be busy... Really busy... But, um, the interview didn't go well, *shrinks to her knees* and... I don't know if I'm ever going to make a difference *starts tearing up as she wipes it off her face*. I don't know what I'm doing. I could really use some advice, mom. I... I think dad was right about me... Ahah, oof. Eh, anyway... *wipes her face once more* I'll stop talking before this gets long. *stands up* Love you, bye...
[Charlie walks back in and leans by the door in defeat as a sudden knock can be heard from the other side of the door, surprising Charlie.]
Charlie: *contemplates on whether or not to open the door but decides to open it anyway*
[The mysterious figure watching her performance from before can be seen standing before her and Charlie, knowing who he is, reacts with extreme shock.]
Alastor: Hello- *gets door slammed in front of him*
Charlie: *looks to the side for a brief moment before opening the door again*
Alastor: -o!
Charlie: *slams door in front of his face once more* Hey, Vaggie?
Vaggie: *annoyed* Whaaaat?
Charlie: The Radio Demon is at the door!
Vaggie: *sits up* What?!
Angel Dust: *takes out the popsicle from his mouth* Uh... who?
Charlie: What should I do?!
Vaggie: Uh, well- Don't let him in!
[Charlie decides to disregard Vaggie's advice once more and opens the door for Alastor.]
Alastor: May I speak now?
Charlie: You may…
Alastor: *reaches hand out* Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you, sweetheart! *pulls Charlie towards him* Quite a pleasure! *lets himself in* Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco on a picture show, and I just couldn't resist! What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929! Hahahahaha, *plays with his mic staff* sooo many orphans...
Vaggie: *holds a harpoon towards his chest* Stop right there, cabrón hijo de perra (bastard son of a bitch)! I know your game and I'm not gonna let you hurt anyone here, you pompous cheesy *Angel's head pops in, unamused* talk show shitlord!
Alastor: *uses finger to move the harpoon away* Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here... *turns into his full demon form* I would've done so already...
[The screen distorts; cut to Charlie and Vaggie staring at him perturbed as the distortion ends.]
Alastor: No! I'm here because I want to help!
Charlie: Say what, now?
Alastor: *repeats himself* Help! Hahaha, hello? Is this thing on? *taps on his mic* Testing, testing!
Alastor's Mic: *opens its eye* Well, I heard you loud and clear!
Charlie: Um, you want to help? With...?
Alastor: *teleports behind the two with his shadow* This ridiculous thing you're trying to do! This hotel! I want to help you run it.
Charlie: Buuut... why?
Alastor: Hahaha, why does anyone do anything? Sheer, absolute boredom! I've lacked inspiration for decades. My work became mundane, lacking focus, *shoves Vaggie offscreen* aimless! I've come to crave a new form of entertainment! Hahaha!
Charlie: Does getting into a fistfight with a reporter count as entertainment...?
Alastor: Hahaha! It's the purest kind, my dear: Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage and the stage is a world of entertainment.
Charlie: So, does this mean you think it's possible to rehabilitate a demon?
Alastor: Hahahahaha! *shakes hand in front of her* Of course not! That's wacky nonsense! *shakes head back and forth* Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! No, no, no, no. I don't think there's anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! *looks over to Vaggie who is offended and Angel who just shrugs* The chance given was the life they lived before, the punishment is this! *puts his arms out, gesturing the entirety of Hell* There is no undoing what is done!
Charlie: So, then. Why do you wanna help me if you don't believe in my cause?
Alastor: Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself! *pulls Charlie close to him and twirls her* I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment only to repeatedly trip and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure!
Charlie: *removes his hand from her back* Riiiight.
Alastor: Yes, indeedy! *grabs her by the waist and drags her offscreen* I see big things coming your way and who better to help you than I? *trails off*
Angel Dust: Uh, so... uh, what's the deal with Smiles over there?
Vaggie: Wait, you've never heard of him before? You've been here longer than me!
Angel Dust: *shrugs cluelessly*
Vaggie: The Radio Demon. One of the most powerful beings Hell has ever seen?
Angel Dust: *shrugs a second time* Eh, not big on politics.
Vaggie: Ugh! *leans in on Angel Dust as she begins her story* Decades ago, Alastor manifested in Hell,
[Scene changes to a visual presentation of Vaggie's story regarding Alastor.]
Vaggie: seemingly overnight. He began to topple Overlords who have been dominant for centuries. That kind of raw power had never been harnessed by a mortal soul before. Then, he broadcast his carnage all throughout Hell just so everyone could witness his ability. Sinners started calling him "The Radio Demon" (as lazy as that is). Many have speculated what unimaginable force enabled him to rival our world's most ancient and destructive evils. But one thing's for sure: He's an unpredictable source of danger, a wicked spirit of mystery, and a violent monster of chaos, the likes of which we can't risk getting involved with unless we want to end up erased!
Angel Dust: Ya done? *Laughs dryly* He looks like a strawberry pimp.
Vaggie: Well, I don't trust him!
Angel Dust: To be fair, do you trust any man? Any men? Men?
Vaggie: *grabs Charlie by the shoulder* Charlie, listen to me. You can't believe this creep! He isn't just a happy face! He's a deal-maker! Pure evil! He can't be redeemed! ...And is most likely looking for a way to destroy everything we're trying to do!
Charlie: I... *sighs* we don't know that! Look, I know he's bad, and I know he probably doesn't wanna change, but the whole point of this is to give people a chance!
[Alastor inspects a portrait of the royal family.]
Charlie: To have faith things will be better! How can I turn someone away? I can't. It goes against everything I'm trying to do. Everything I believe in. *puts hands on Vaggie's shoulders* Just... trust me. I can take care of myself!
Vaggie: Charlie, whatever you do, do not make a deal with him!
[Alastor makes a gesture with his hand, seemingly focusing on Vaggie.]
Charlie: Don't worry, I picked up one thing from my dad! *imitating her dad's voice* "You don't take shit from other demons!" *walks off to where Alastor is*
Charlie: Okay, so, Al. You're sketchy as fuck and you clearly see what I'm trying to do here as a joke.
[As Charlie turns away, glowing red symbols start to appear beside Alastor which quickly disappear after Charlie turns back to Alastor.]
Charlie: But, I don't. I think everyone deserves a chance to prove they can be better. So, I'm taking your offer to help. On the condition that there be no... *makes gestures with hands* tricks or voodoo strings attached. [Alastor rolls his eyes at that last statement.]
Alastor: So, it's a deal, then? 
[He twirls his mic staff and presents his hand for a handshake as green energy bursts throughout the hotel.]
Charlie: *refusing his handshake* Nope! No shaking! No deals! I... hmm... As princess of Hell and heir to the throne, I, uh, hereby order that you help with this hotel. For as long as you desire.
[A howling wolf can be heard in the background as Charlie looks over to Vaggie for approval.]
Charlie: Sound fair?
Alastor: *rubs his chin* Hmm... *retracts his mic staff* Fair enough!
Charlie: *sighs in relief* Cool beans.
Alastor: Hmm hm hmm hmm... *continues to hum while looking around as he stops in front of Vaggie*. Smile, my dear! *tickles the underside of her chin* You know you're never fully dressed without one! *Walks away as he continues humming* So where is your hotel staff?
Charlie: Uh, well-
[Camera pans to Vaggie who's staring at Alastor dead in the eyes.]
Alastor: *adjusts monocle* Ohohoho, you're going to need more than that. *walks towards Angel Dust* And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?
Angel Dust: I can suck your dick!
[Mic feedback can be heard in the background as Alastor tries to process what he was just offered.]
Alastor: HAH! No.
Angel Dust: *scoffs* Your loss.
Alastor: Well, this just won't do! *takes out his mic staff* I suppose I can cash in a few favors to liven things up.
[At the snap of his finger, a new fireplace has replaced the hotel's worn down one as he approaches it and picks up the mysterious figure covered in soot, which then opens its eye and stares at the trio behind him.]
[Niffty poofs off the soot from her body.]
Alastor: This little darling is Niffty!
Niffty: *drops to the floor, unaffected* Hi, I'm Niffty! It's nice to meet you! It's been a while since I've made new friends! *eyes the three* Why're you all women? *lifts Charlie with no effort* Are there any men here?! *puts Charlie down* I'm sorry, that's rude. *looks around* Oooh, man! This place is filthy! It really needs a lady's touch! *grabs a spider and crushes it* Which is weird because you're all ladies, no offense. *stares offscreen as she takes out a feather duster* Oh, my gosh! This is awful! *she speed cleans throughout the hotel* Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! *spots a cockroach and stabs it with a sewing pin* Nope!
[The four stare at Niffty as a voice coming from an unknown cat demon can be heard nearby.]
Husk: *lays his cards down the table* Hah! Read 'em and weep, boys! Full Ho- *demonic illusions and voices distort the surroundings temporarily* -tel? What the fuck is this? *looks around and spots Alastor, eliciting an angry purr as he points at him* You!
Alastor: Ah, Husker, my good friend! Glad you could make it!
Husk: Don't you "Husker" me, you son of a bitch! I was about to win the whole damn pot! *the jackpot disappears into nothingness*
Alastor: Good to see you too!
Husk: *facepalms angrily* What the hell do you want with me this time...?
Alastor: My friend, I am doing some charity work so I took it upon myself to volunteer your services! I hope that's okay!
Husk: Are you shittin' me?!
Alastor: Hmm... No, I don't think so!
Husk: *shoves Alastor off* You thought it'd be some kind of big fucking riot just to pull me out of nowhere?! *camera pans to Alastor dusting himself off* You think I'm some kind of fucking clown?!
Alastor: *grins as if he's about to laugh* Maybe!
Husk: I ain't doing no fucking charity job.
Alastor: *teleports behind him through his shadow* Well, I figured you would be the perfect face to man the front desk of this fine establishment! *gestures towards the bar he made out of his magic* With your charming smile *pulls Husks's lips into a forced smile* and welcoming energy, this job was made for you! Don't worry my friend, *walks over to the bar, revealing the soles of his shoes to have deer prints* I can make this more welcoming! ...If you wish. *makes a bottle of "Cheap Booze" appear out of nowhere*
Husk: *stares at the booze for a second* What? You think you can buy me with a wink *winks sarcastically* and some cheap booze?! *grabs the booze and looks at it* ...Well, you can! *downs the booze*
Vaggie: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! No! No bar, no alcohol! This is supposed to be a place that discourages sin! Not some kind of mouth…brothel…man cave!
Angel Dust: *Launches himself at Vaggie from somewhere off screen* SHUT UP! SHUT! UP! We *points to the bar with all his fingers* are keeping this!
Angel Dust: *starts flirting with Husk* Hey~
Husk: Go fuck yourself.
Angel Dust: *holds Husk's face* Only if you watch me!
Charlie: Oh, my gosh! Welcome to the Happy Hotel! You are going to love it here! *tries to go for a handshake*
Husk: *reaches for his booze* I lost the ability to love years ago. *continues to down his booze*
Alastor: So, whaddaya think?
Charlie: This is amazing! *rubs her cheeks excitedly*
Vaggie: *with crossed arms* It's... okay.
Alastor: *reels the two towards him* Hahaha! This is going to be very entertaining!
[He then lets go of Vaggie and summons a fireball, launching it to the hotel ceiling just so he could distract Charlie fast enough for him to shove Vaggie offscreen. He dresses himself in a tux and matching top hat.]
Alastor: ♫ You have a dream! *twirls Charlie and dresses her up* You wish to tell! *turns to Vaggie who's now on the floor* And it's just laughable *turns back to Charlie and tosses her mid-air*. But, hey, kid, what the hell? ♫
[The background behind Charlie changes to neon colored lights featuring two apples and a skull.]
Alastor: ♫ *catches Charlie by the hand as they both tap dance together* 'Cause you're one-of-a-kind! A charming demon belle! *The two slide down the railing of the stairs* ♫
Alastor: ♫ Now, let's give these burning fools a place to dwell! *dresses up the rest of the hotel staff* Take it, boys! ♫
[Shadow demons appear from the floorboards and begin playing their instruments as Vaggie tries to talk to Charlie who is having too much fun. Alastor pulls her in with him and the others as his shadow demons surround them.]
Shadow Demons: Boo!
Alastor: ♫ Haha! Inside of every demon is a lost cause! *puts a fedora on Angel's head as he snaps his fingers back at Alastor* But we'll dress 'em up for now, with just a smile! ♫ [He puts a hat and fur on Vaggie and slaps her butt. She throws the accessories to the floor, glaring after him.]
Shadow Demons: ♫ With a smile! ♫
Alastor: ♫ And we'll chlorinate this cesspool with some old redemption flair! *kicks off skull which Niffty rushes in and cleans off* And show these simpletons some proper class and style! *summons a shadow clone of himself* ♫
Shadow Demons: ♫ Class and style! ♫
Alastor: ♫ *snaps away his shadow* Oh! Here below the ground, *twirls Charlie and pinches her cheeks* I'm sure your plan is sound! *holds hands with Charlie as they both twirl* They'll spend a little time, down at this Hazbin Ho-
[The hotel door explodes, ending the music and knocking Niffty offscreen. Charlie, Alastor, Angel Dust, and Vaggie look outside.]
----
[Sir Pentious' war ship has made an appearance outside the hotel.]
Sir Pentious: Hah! Well, well, well. Look who it is harboring the striped freak! We meet yet again, Alastor!
Alastor: Do I know you?
Sir Pentious: *ego deflates* Oh, yes you do! *Hood flares open* And this time, I have the element of- *pulls a lever* SURPRISE! Ahaha! I'm so evil!
[With a snap of a finger, an otherworldly dimensional portal opens with tentacles and shadow demons emerging from it, destroying Sir Pentious' ship while he is inside. Alastor can then be seen finishing it off as he clenches his fist with a few drops of blood dripping off his hand. Alastor is then shown grinning menacingly in satisfaction for a moment as the others look at him in shock and horror.]
Alastor: *breaking the tension* ...Well, I'm starved! Who wants some Jambalaya? My mother once showed me a wonderful recipe for Jambalaya. In fact, it nearly killed her! Hahaha! You could say the kick was right out of Hell! Ohoho, I'm on a roll! Yes, sir! This is the start of some real changes down here! The game is set! Now...
[Alastor uses his magic for the last time in the episode to change the sign atop the hotel from "Happy Hotel" to "Hazbin Hotel".]
Alastor: (sinisterly) ...Stay tuned. Hahaha...!
----
[Sir Pentious is revealed to have survived the beating served by Alastor along with Egg Boi #23]
Egg Boi #23: Now will you shoot me with your ray gun?
[Sir Pentious collapses of exhaustion as the episode ends.]
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Category:Hazbin Hotel transcripts