Scared Shrekless/Transcript

Run!
Run for your life!
Oh!
Keep away!
- Take it!
- Keep away!
- Take all of it!
- The monster took my shoe!
Candy!
Yay.
Treats.
I love treats.
- Felicia.
- Hi, daddy!
That was a nice grip you had on that big fat kid.
Farkle, excellent work with your teeth.
- Fergus, my lad...
- Daddy, daddy, daddy.
You're gonna have to work on your timing.
All in all, not bad for your first Halloween.
They're growing up so fast.
And look who got her first clump of hair!
Oh, did you see?
Farkle got him in the ankle.
- What about little Fergus?
- Nothing yet.
Oh, that's all right, sweetie.
Mommy didn't get a scare this year either.
Fear not, my love.
The night is still young.
Hold the phone. Who left the door open?
You don't think... someone's inside?
Now, who'd be stupid enough to break into an ogre's house?
[Lights show upt o reveal Donkey, Gingerbreadman, the three pigs and Pinocchio.]
Oh wow. Terrifying. I don't know how I'm gonna sleep now.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
Oh, man. 
You said this was gonna scare 'em!
Hey! I worked hard on this costume! Oops.
Admit it, Shrek. Weren't you even a little bit scared?
Donkey, ogres don't get scared. We do the scaring.
Shrek: And that's why we're the kings of Halloween.
I bet we can find something that will scare the pants off of you!
Which would scare me.
Oh, really? And what do you have in mind?
All of us telling scary stories all night long. There ain't no way you won't be scared!
Yes! Stories to make your blood run cold!
- Yeah!
- Stories to terrify you.
- Yeah!
- And whoever shall last through the night shall be named the king of Halloween!
- I accept.
- We doubly accept.
Does anyone else want to join our little contest?
- I'm in!
- Ja, wonderbar!
- Huzzah!
- Okay. I think I'm going to take the kids out and terrify a few more trick or treaters.
Will I see you later?
The night is young.
Trick or treat.
Ahem. I shall begin. Once upon a midnight dreary...
There was this crazy albino guy with a hook, and he lived in a mirror! And if you even look at him, you'd wake up in bathtub full of ice with your kidneys gone!
Well... Hey, hold on. I didn't say we were doing this here.
Uh... What?
- You named the terms. I name the place.
Okay, fine. Where we gonna do this?
- Castle Duloc?
Oh, ha ha. Very funny, Shrek.
But this is where Lord Farquaad lived!
Ja. Und died.
Pinocchio: I heard it's haunted by his ghost!
If you're all too scared to put on big boy pants and go in, I'll just claim my winnings and be on my way.
Wait a minute! We can last in there just as long as you can.
Fine. Come on then.
Hold up, Shrek. You can't just go barging in some creepy, spooky joint like you own the place.
And why not? It's not like there's anyone here to stop us.
I still don't know about this, man. You know... Whole creepy house-of-wax vibe goin' on in here.
Shrek: Look, it's that little thingy you love so much, remember?
Welcome to Duloc It's a creepy town What was once pristine Now is all rundown We will chop off your head And then laugh when you're dead Duloc is a creepy place Come on in, what the heck Fall right down, break your...
Face Duloc is Duloc is Duloc is A creepy place 
Shrek: Ooh! Let's do that again.
Donkey: No!
Well, then... This ought to be fun.
Fun. Yeah, right.
I find myself agreeing with boss. This looks to be a very entertaining evening.
You know what, I just figured out what your costume is. You came as a kiss-up!
All right, all right. Buckle up, everybody. The quicker I scare the wits out of you lot, the sooner I can be home, cozy in my bed. Unless anyone else thinks they've got what it takes.
Pick me, pick me! I have a scary story!
This isn't the one about you getting trapped in the petting zoo again, is it? 'Cause that's not scary.
- Actually... If you look at it from my perspective...
Hey, guess what, Pinocchio, no one cares! Get ready to send these jokers home, Shrek, 'cause I've got a doozy... and it's all true! It was a dark and stormy night...
Gingy?
My girlfriend kicked me out.
I don't know, something about me being too into myself. Blah, blah, blah, yack, yack, yack.
You? But you are so adorable.
I know! That's what I keep telling her! I need a good woman, Muffin Man.
Ah. I can help you, Gingy. How about this one?
Aw, I dunno.
You like her, huh?
Nope. Weird hair.
How about this one?
Too skinny. No! Don't like it!
Okay. Well, how about this one?
Yes! That's it! Ah! She's perfect. The girl of my dreams. Wait! More sugar.
But that is not the recipe.
Trust me, Muffin Man, this girl's gotta be real sweet. I want someone who will love me forever.
I must warn you, Gingy. No one has ever made cookies with this much sugar. You are tampering with forces far beyond your comprehension!
Just put her in the oven!
Hey. I get a little privacy? Take a hike.
Oh, oui.
Oh, my gosh, I'm in love! A cookie angel. Wow! And you're hot too! Hello? Hello? Oh... I guess it didn't work.
Ha ha!
Gingy, is it you? The one I was made for? Oh, we'll be together forever.
Sweet!
I can't see me Loving nobody but you For all my life When you're with me Baby, the skies'll be blue For all my life Me and you and you and me No matter how they toss the dice It had to be The only one for me is you and you for me So happy together 
Are ya happy, Gingy?
You bet! The time since I met you has been the best...
Good! Because this is only the beginning. I'm going to love you and hold you and feed you and dress you - and cling to you...
- Yeah...
Hang on to you and smother you with my love.
- Yeah...
Forever and ever and ever - and ever and ever...
You know, it's gettin' a little stuffy in here. You know, I might go get some air.
Oh, no, you don't. Not without your umbrella.
Come on!
Here, let me get that. Wait for me!
Sugar, could you just do me one small, little teensy favor?
Anything.
Could you leave me alone for like 30 seconds?
Anything but that.
You know, I forgot my gumdrop buttons. Yeah! Could you run over there and get 'em for me, please?
Sure, I can. I'll be right back.
Run, run, run, as fast as you can if you wanna remain a gingerbread man!
- Oh, Gingy.
- Whaa...
I don't understand. I thought you were happy!
Oh, well...
It's all my fault. I should have tried harder!
No, no, no! Don't try harder!
Maybe I'm not pretty enough. I can be pretty... really pretty! The girl of your dreams.
Aah!
Remember?
Farewell!
Gingy! Let go, Gingy! Fall with me... so we can be together forever!
Here's a thought... You let go!
Together! Together fore...
Boy, what a night! I'm so glad that is over with! Oh, well. Nothing lasts forever.
Together forever.
Aah!
Together forever.
What a nice surprise!
- Hey... So what's up? I think we both may have said some things I might regret. Gosh, your eye is pretty! Look, I know you're upset, so... Aah! Why don't we just sit down... and discuss this?!
Then... they ate me!
Pigs: Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee!
Wolf: They're gonna do that all the way home. I... I gotta go. They're my ride.
Shrek: Wait a minute. If they ate you, how is it that you're still here?
Piss: Did you not say this was a true story?
Um... 
Busted!
Shrek: You made it up, didn't ya?
I... hey, look! Lord Farquaad's ghost! Aah! Doody heads!
Shrek: And then there were three. Who else wants to step up?
Puss: I, too, have a terrifying tale to tell.
Donkey: It was a dark and stormy night!
Puss: Hey... what the...
Donkey: And we needed to find us some shelter!
Puss: This is my turn to tell a story.
Donkey: The kindly innkeeper was warm and friendly. She made me feel all bubbly inside.
Donkey: My trusty sidekick here would love to freshen up.
Puss: Sidekick?
Donkey: And I would love some waffles!
Puss: But we are equals.
Donkey: Oh, man. Of course we are... The noble donkey reassured his clearly inferior sidekick.
Puss: I'm getting a little tired of this...
Donkey: But before Puss could finish his thought, he decided to take a well-deserved tongue bath.
Puss: Wh... wh... wha... wha... Well, as long as I am here.
Donkey: But right then, danger came from behind. Da-dum, da-dum Da-dum, da-dum And Puss was never seen again. Ha ha. The End.
Puss: No! That's not how the story goes. I was well aware of the approaching danger and went for my steel.
Donkey: Don't worry, little buddy. I'm here to save you!
Puss: Ohh. You're killing me.
Donkey: It was Prince Charming! He was packing heat, and he wanted revenge!
Charming: I want revenge!
Donkey: He said. But before anyone could do anything... Ba-bam! It was awful and it was terrible, and it was really, really scary.
Puss: What? No! Go back! Although the charming was fast, I was swift enough to repel the attack and leap to safety.
Donkey: Which is exactly what he wanted you to do. Charming laughed, just like a crazed maniac.
Puss: No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, but I would never let that happen to me. Instead, I... I... I woke up. Yeah. That's right! It was all a dream.
Donkey: You mean a nightmare. You know you're on the ceiling, right?
Puss: I will get you for this.
Donkey: Oh! And then the lights went out. It was horrible and sad how Puss pleaded for mercy!
Puss: Mercy? Please!
Donkey: Said Puss with his last dying breath.
Puss: But when the lights came back on, it was the donkey who was taking a shower!
Donkey: Oh, my goodness! Why would I do that?
Puss: And right behind you, there was danger!
Donkey: Oh, man.
Puss: You were paralyzed! It was a donkey-eating waffle. It was packing heat, and it wanted revenge.
I want revenge!
Puss: The donkey ran. But how far can you run when you are on a plate covered in butter wearing a pink tutu? And a sombrero. And a coconut brassiere! And about to be eaten alive! 
Donkey: No, please! Please, I'll switch to pancakes!
Puss: And the donkey was never seen again.
Donkey: But what Puss didn't know is that right behind him was the one thing he feared more than anything else.
Puss: No. You wouldn't.
Donkey: I would.
Puss: You didn't!
Donkey: I did!
Puss: No! Anything but that! No!
Donkey: The End.
Shrek: I'm pretty sure that's cheating.
Ha. It worked, didn't it?
Who's next in our little contest? Has anyone seen the mice?
Are we there yet?
Shrek: Okay. I think it's time for a story that's actually scary.
Donkey: Yeah, whatever.
Shrek: You had your chance. Now, then... Something beyond comprehension was happening to a little boy on this street... in this house. A man had come as a last resort. Because... no one else would go near the place.
Shrek: I hear you've been expecting me.
Geppetto: You are the...
Shrek: That's right. I am... the babysitter.
Geppetto: Yes, sir, yes, thank goodness you've come. My boy. I don't know what's gotten into him. I've-a never seen anything like it.
Shrek: Trust me, buddy. I've got three little ogres at home. This will be a piece of cake.
Pinocchio: Father! Father!
Shrek: O... kay then.
Geppetto: Look, I'm-a tell you, I tried every trick in the book. You see?
Shrek: "Once Upon a Time-Out"? Oh, come on, now. You're gonna listen to a goose?
Geppetto: Please, you... you don't understand. It's like he's-a two different people.
Shrek: What your kid needs is discipline, not a bunch of psychological mumble-jumble. You just gotta walk in there, look him in the eye, and show him who's... Please tell me he's an only child.
Pinocchio: Bobba gone fishpeas. Ba, ba, boo.
Shrek: Um... Hello. Well, here's your problem. His head's not screwed on right.
Pinocchio: When you wish upon a star, you get lots of stuff.
Shrek: Well, I wish for a nice, quiet evening where you go to sleep and I raid the icebox.
Pinocchio: Okay.
Shrek: See? That was easy. It's like I always say. When it comes to good parenting, you have to be fair but firm. You just show him that you mean business, and he's out of bed again, isn't he? You never have this problem with sock puppets. All right. What's this all about?
Pinocchio: Voices.
Shrek: Voices?
Pinocchio: Uh-huh! In here! Telling me what to do!
Shrek: You have voices inside your head.
Pinocchio: Sometimes.
Shrek: And what kind of things do they tell you to do?
Pinocchio: The early bird catches the worm!
Shrek: What's gotten into this kid?
Geppetto: Maybe you sing him a little song.
Shrek: Do I look like the kind of guy that knows a lullaby?
Pinocchio: Sing!
Shrek: Lullaby and good night Close your big, creepy eyes If you sleep, away I'll creep And get out of here alive Oh... You know, once you get past all the splinters and rope burns, he's actually kinda cute. Now where did he go?
Pinocchio: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!
Shrek: Now, there's something you don't see every day.
Shrek: Get him off! Get him off! Come back here, you!
Pinocchio: I regret nothing!
Pinocchio: Eew! I'm too young to have termites!
Cricket: I'm no termite, Pinocchio. I'm a cricket.
Pinocchio: You were the voice in my head this whole time?
Cricket: That's right. I'm the one who was putting all those thoughts in your noggin. I'm your conscience, and as long as you let me, I'll always be in...
Shrek: The End.
Pinocchio: That wasn't me! I never had any bugs in my head. Ask anyone!
Okay, then. Why don't we start by asking... your conscience!
Uh, now who's cheatin'?
Well, Donkey, looks like it's just you and me.
Go ahead. There ain't nothing you can say that can scare me.
Yeah, well, I suppose there's nothing left to do but sit here in the dark and wait for the ghost.
Ghost? What ghost?
Farquaad's ghost, of course. As a matter of fact, if I remember correctly, I believe you had a hand in his untimely demise.
Hey, man, that was an accident. And besides, all that ghost stuff is just an urban legend. You know that!
- Is it?
Okay, okay. That's... that's just the wind.
Donkey!
And apparently, it knows my name! That's very funny, Shrek, but I know it's you doing this.
Hey, I... I'm standing right here with you, Donkey.
No way! This place is not haunted by a ghost! And when the sun comes up, Donkey will be the new king of... it's right behind me, isn't it? Aah!
Donkey!
- Oh, my goodness! Aah!
Shrek: Well, that's what I'd call a knight to remember. What do you say we scare ourselves up some dinner?
Fiona: I'd say... Grab the kids, and let's get going.
Shrek: And that's why we're the kings of Halloween.
Fiona: He was so scared. You probably won't see him for a month.
Shrek: So what else have you got in your bag of tricks?
Fiona: Hmm. I've got seven eggs.
Shrek: Perfect. I love this holiday.
Hey!
I am not happy!
Category:Transcripts
Category:DreamWorks Animation Transcripts
Category:Shrek Transcripts