S06E10: The Gang Does Some Retcon-naissance

== Previously on MCVFD ==
Last time we had a long and complicated fight with a hot demon priest in a weird creepy temple.
By defeating the incubus and his two Girallon guards, we saved the worshippers from death by magical petrification. After a minor mishap with a thrown body, we were also able to acquire pieces of the Infernal Machine from the glowing podium.
Averlyth and Nissa are taking turns keeping up various chanting illusions so the party can take a long rest without anyone in the tomb realizing we’ve wrecked their shit. The group now needs to decide whether or not to do finish the side quests we got for people who have long since died in our present time.
== Session ==
=== Tunnel Vision ===
Like a true team, the group first checks in on how everyone's feeling.
Nissa is motivated to restore the half-ripped book of golems (still in the human stonemason's possession).
Kanye is sketching how to incorporate his newfound weapons into his suit.
Averlyth is motivated to convert the chapel into a shrine for Bane. She asks Kanye to put the pews back so she can properly convert the space. He wants to restore the pews to a more appropriate style, but is eventually convinced to accept the “battle-worn” style.
Um is heading over to the cupboard at the back of the chapel.
He offers Kanye the opportunity to kick the closet door down. Kanye denies - he's busy at the pews, and also recalling 2 new and important lessons:
# Let the rogue do things
# Don''t throw bodies at things 
It's a work in progress. Kanye might publish a compendium of his lessons learned in his old age.
Um looks around the cupboard - something seems off, but he’s not sure what it is.
Kanye considers abandoning his work to help investigate but chooses wisely. Sorith meanders up to the closet, says “nah” and then wanders away.
Um takes a closer look; there’s no fake doors or traps, no secret compartments, but something keeps itching at his brain.
Then it hits him - the weirdness about the closet isn't the closet itself, but that everything in the chapel is symmetrically placed except for this closet.
Um shares this detail with the group. Nissa rolls for history of cupboards, but doesn’t recall anything directly applicable. She might have “Well actually’d” Um.
Sorith glances at the suspiciously empty wall facing the cupboard, and notices scrapes along the floor.
Averlyth walks up and casts Stone Shape on the wall to conjure up her own door. The spell feels easier than normal; when she’s done, she realizes she's actually recreated a secret door, just maybe in her own aesthetic. (There was a chance that she could have placed hinges on the wrong side - thank Bane).
Now that leaving the room might be in question, Averlyth requests Kanye to deposit one of the bodies-turned-black-stones behind the podium for a final touch. Kanye very willingly manhandles it to the desired location, where Averlyth casts Stone Shape again to carve it into a massive middle-fingered gauntlet of Bane. 
Inspired, Kanye also works the incubus’s corpse into the wires of the podium so now he’s arranged horrifically like the figure on the prow of a ship. Averlyth approves.
Kanye puts the top hat from the skeleton on the corpse. Averlyth is less pleased, but she takes it.
With that business done, Um offers the honor of opening the door to Averlyth. She declines saying she doesn’t do doors.
Kanye pulls out his pre-flight door checklist; Is it wood? No. Does it hinge in or out??Kanye: Woodhouse, I need my number 4 door-opening hammer.Kanye introduces himself to open the door. Liberace and the survivors have so many questions. Nissa wipes a single tear.
Behind the door we see a dark hallway.Kanye: Can we find some way to illuminate it before we go in?Averlyth: We got torchesDM: You all have dark vision.Nissa gets back into the harness. Um asks if we’re fine with picking up another quest after having this many unfinished side quests. Kanye considers this option pretty awkward given we’ve already opened the door.
Kanye asks Liberace if he knows where the hallway goes, but the paladin has no idea. He asks if he knows the cardinality - it’s going south, which Averlyth points out is technically in the direction of the Balor.
Kanye asks if we should free the Balor? Kill the Balor? Liberace is staunchly opposed to the former, says he’s here to kill servants of evil, not to free them. Sorith points out we just did that once - Liberace agrees but says he’s down 4 servants of good.
The group suddenly re-finds ourselves unsure of our motivations, which determines whether or not we'd even bother going down this tunnel in the first place.
Nissa points out that saving the enslaved humans has the ethical complexity of the trolley problem: if we save them, the lich will have acquired more slaves in the past because we know the Tomb of Horror gets completed by our time. All we've done is changed who gets to suffer, we can't prevent suffering altogether. The group isn't entirely sure if that's what the trolley problem is. 
Kanye wants us to get jobs here, work our way up, modify the hiring policy and fix the system from the inside.
Um says the problem is that becoming management makes you evil. Liberace nods and goes “it’s true”.
Kanye decides we’re back to fire, except then we remember we also have a whole group of near-dead survivors with us who probably wouldn't survive anything crazy.
Averlyth could disguise herself as the Incubus (with the hot priest look) and lead the whole group on a parade through the tomb, pretending to convince the humans (or everyone?) to follow us on the way.
Um and Kanye question if we can accidentally summon anything with the chanting ("Surprise, you've invited Vecna!"). The DM recites what the magic users in the group would already know: nothing should happen if no one is focusing the magical energy.
Kanye asks if Averlyth wants to focus the magical energy to summon anything??? Averlyth doesn't find anything in her spell book for that.
As we get ready to leave, the survivors are looking very confused about the plan. Nissa is telling them we're essentially planning to leave by the front door, as we mean to try and save everyone. Averlyth adds that we’re using the cover of religion.
=== World's Shortest Parade ===
We proceed to the hall of spheres where we last spoke to the humans. As we go, everyone starts chanting like in Monty Python, minus the wooden planks. Everyone is walking in formation behind Averlyth, and we attract quite a bit of attention.
The tieflings look confused.
The humans look horrified.
This is bad news and they are not happy.
Nissa tries to catch the eye of the human that we spoke to before - he tries to pretend he doesn’t see her.
Nissa theatrically winks in a way that only the human noticed, but he doesn’t look super reassured because she’s following the creepy priest, one of her party members is missing, and she looks batshit insane.
As we approach - before we have a chance to give an order or attack the Girallon - a floating jeweled skull enters the doorway, looks around the room, and then heads towards Averlyth.
It hovers before her, looks her up and down, and cocks its head to the left.
Averlyth looks at the skull, then says, "Good Evening".
it cocks its head the other way.
Averlyth can see the skull has all the spellwork of being a spectral illusion, AKA complicated spellwork usually used to conceal something else.
As Averlyth regards it, it cocks back the first way, and then begins vibrating as if in agitation.Averlyth: Oh god this dude needs a passwordShe takes a step forward as if to walk past him. Before her foot lands, there is a popping sound and a man appears next to the skull. 
We can reasonably guess that the intense-looking man before us must be the artificer responsible for creating the Tomb of Horrors.
He has an almost excited look on his face. He’s wearing many rings, bracelets, gadgets and things?? There's many devices hanging from his belt, and the floating jeweled skull goes into orbit around his head like a puppy. (Editors note: I want one.)Mogdaham: “Now Phoenix, where do you think you're going?”.Averlyth has about 5 seconds to guess that the real Phoenix was probably an arrogant prick, so this would not be the time to be respectful.
Disclaimer: following dialogue is mildly paraphrased as I was too busy bluffing my ass off to write down what happened.Averlyth: I'm going exactly where I need to go to get more worshippers. They're dying too quickly, so I'm getting more.Mogdaham: That's great and all, but by leaving the chapel, aren't you depowering the ritual that keeps the Balor contained?Short beat of absolute fear as the real Phoenix has been dead for at least 8 hours,.Averlyth: Who said anything abo- ohhh you said the Chapel. (Editors note: Totally thought he said the Tomb)Averlyth: Well I'm not going to take long, I just need a few more.Mogdaham: I mean if you needed more worshippers, why didn't you just, you know, come ask me? Averlyth: Because I'm surrounded by idiots and didn't trust any of them to get the job done, I was taking matters into my own hands.The group is doing a great job totally chanting and not making it obvious that they're listening in on this whole conversation.Mogdaham: But why take the workers, you know they have work to do?Averlyth: I thought you said it was easy to hire for them?Mogdaham: Well yes, but if you take them there'll be delays, we'll miss deadlines...Averlyth: Weren't you complaining to me about how long they were taking anyways? I thought I was doing you a favor.FYI Averlyth is hitting 20+ on all these deception rolls. Averlyth is also very distinctly recalling the humans having admitted to stalling for time.
Finally, Mogdaham relents.Mogdaham: Okay fine, fine. Just don't take the Tieflings, they have a better union.Averlyth smiles, and he leaves with another popping noise.
The human looks at Nissa, looks at Averlyth and then cautiously asks if he should grab the humans from the other room. Averlyth says “Yes? Were you not listening? Hurry up.”
With all the intended rescuees in tow, Averlyth leads the group back into the chapel like she just claimed to Mogdaham she would.
Then, she points out to the group that there might now be a free Balor at the front door.
=== Clever Scroll Handling ===
Kanye asks Nissa to ask the “small man” for the book. The human is within earshot and mildly offended, but hands it over while asking how we convinced the priest to go with them.
Averlyth explains she’s not the priest, then asks if any of the workers know of any way to get out, as now would be the time to share that information. Sounds like there's only the front door and a portal to Hell, which is not our favorite place.
The group rummages through the Band Fund for ideas on how to get everyone out safely. The recently looted wands of webby things and something something base making seem like they have potential, as well as a teleportation scroll.
Nissa tries to remember if there were any teleportation circles in the specific time period we're in. She isn't sure, but we suddenly remember we have a computer from the future that totally gets internet access somehow, and we still have 5 unused charges (for questions).
Suddenly Nissa feels a tugging on her sleeve: Gearbox is reminding her that he can teleport us (just our group) to the future and to the Tomb of Horrors in this time period if needed. AKA If we find a destination for the teleportation spell, we can go through the circle, then come back to the Tomb via Gearbox if we'd like.
Nissa pulls out Mizz Computer (now in a handy tablet form!) and turns on the power.
Before it lets us talk to her, it immediately says downloading updates.
Then it says "Update applied. Would you like to see a diff?"
Nissa says no thank you. Um says a diff sounds like some kind of mischievous creature.Kanye: You don’t want a diff, once you see it you can’t unsee it.DM: yeah but it’s fine, you can cure it with antibiotics nowadays.Nissa almost asks the computer what year it is, but catches herself and asks a nearby human for that info instead.
She asks for the location of a teleportation circle in a large city in the current year. Mizz Computer says there are 37 results, so Nissa narrows it down to the closest one.
Mizz Computer says the closest one is at Neverwinter Academy.
-- The group has learned that teleportation circles are apparently just Stargates --
Kanye takes all the remaining gems from the no-longer-magical podium so he can be ready to make swag.
Everyone in the group is assigned a buddy, as we only have 6 seconds for everyone to run through the spell.
The group draws the circle on the wall, and then everyone rushes in, with Kanye closing up the rear.
Just as the portal closes, he steps through and we all find ourselves standing in a rather large atrium in Neverwinter Academy.
The guy in the atrium is already talking to people in our group.
He asks for the leader - Nissa steps forward and shows her swag as a future alumni of the school.
The person has opinions about the change in branding, but says “ohhh this is a time travel thing, how can i help you?" and introduces himself as Virginia Bourbon. The group mildly squeals in recognition.
Apparently this exact scenario (more or less) happens often enough that there are protocols already: there’s a refugee intake program, they’ll figure out staffing with them. Kanye introduces himself from the house of Cantaliber.
Virginia Bourbon says everyone has to sign the guestbook because of time travel policy. Averlyth happily drops the disguise and goes to sign.Virginia: “Whoa, where’d the hot priest go?”We notice some names in the book claim they're from the History Channel, but we don’t recognize anyone specifically.
Nissa checks with Gearbox to see if we can turn back time on the half-book for golems. It looks like it's now registered as part of our group, so Gearbox can't turn the time back for it specifically, but it can teleport with us.
This vital piece of information influences Nissa into finding a library while she's here. She initially considers the Neverwinter Library - they would totally have a policy for what to do with what to do with future library cards - but then she has the grand idea to go to a bookstore and buy like five first editions of the Lusty Argonian Maid instead. They're now all happily stashed in her bag, awaiting their future "mint condition" valuation.
Meanwhile, Kanye is finding a bank. He deposits money and some amount of gems from the Band Fund, and then issues instructions that it should be given to his ancestor. We’ve now established the origin of the Cantaliber family fortune.
Kanye spends a good ten minutes brainstorming what he can do to the school of Neverwinter through the biggest donation possible. ideas so far include:
* Sponsoring the creation of the Tower of Neverwinter (which we'll inevitably fight on)
* Making statues of us (to be placed on the Tower of Neverwinter, for said fight)
* Making embarrassing statues of the Four Horsemen since we know what they look like (and thereby giving them a just cause origin story for why they hate our guts)
Kanye wants to run around the city of Neverwinter and stash scrolls of pedigree in various half-constructed buildings, because he wants to be able to punch out a wall in the future and read his name off of the revealed scroll, dramatically.
Kanye wants Sorith to do something alcohol and time-travel related. Sorith buys a barrel of bourbon and puts it in the bank.
The group finishes over-discussing.
Nissa pokes Gearbox. He just giggles and doesn’t do anything, he just pretends to be the Pillsbury dough boy.
She asks him to teleport us to the other dungeon, to the coordinates we were given by the stonemasons for where the other half of the golem book would be. Gearbox says Nissa has to push the button. Um questions if the button is actually necessary for anything.
=== Soggy Bottom Intel ===
We teleport and arrive at the coordinates that Gearbox got from the other humans, who told us where the other temple was. We know it’s about a days ride away from the Tomb of Horrors.
We find ourselves standing at a seldom used road that heads into a fen. Behind us is a small village, and a general bleakness hangs over the area.
Gearbox suddenly goes “ping!”
Apparently he detects pieces of the Infernal Machine here. Gearbox gets a gold star from Nissa. Kanye glares because there aren’t enough stickers to go around.
-- The group suddenly remembers that Daal is here too and was probably chanting when Incubus told him to --
The group knows of this place as the “Temple of Moloch”. It’s less famous than the Tomb of Horrors, though Nissa did research it before we left.
The Temple was said to have begun as a series of caverns where the elemental princes once battled and opened the rifts to their elemental planes - water and earth. This place contained rubies, then people found it and built a temple, then there was a famous statue placed here with 2 sets of the largest ruby gemstones for eyes.
There’s another baddie (Thesselar?) and artificer here, but Nissa wasn’t able to find more info beyond that. The Temple of Moloch appears to predate the Temple of Horror, but it’s a bit lost to history. Based on what we've heard so far, the artificers appear to be feuding, but we don't know any details beyond that.
Kanye checks with Gearbox to verify if the gems feel like they’re from the village or the temple. He’s not sure, but seems like the Temple.
The group vaguely decides to ask around for info in the village. Kanye is surprisingly excited for the opportunity to name another place, decide the sleeping order, stay at a hotel, etc.
We enter the Toad’s Stool in the village of Soggy Bottom.
It’s around lunch time, yet there’s not a ton of people in here. We overhear a conversation between two old men; one of them is drunkenly ranting about how Thesselar hasn't done anything interesting since the Owl Bears, just trying to come up with more ideas to recapture his glory days. The other man shushes him nervously, telling him to quit it before someone hears.
Kanye suddenly recalls he has fake Owl Bear feet in his possession for reasons.
Nissa asks if the old men are cute because "you don’t have to flirt with them, but everything goes smoother if you do", apparently. She buys them a tankard of the local swill and says “secret’s safe with me boys”. The drunker one almost says “thank you little lady” and then his face drops when he sees how tiny she really is and the other one slaps him.
Kanye steps outside to make Owlbear tracks.
The bartender tells us to not let these guys get us down, asks what we need.
Nissa tells her we’re looking for some rooms, says we represent the group monitoring the close Tomb of Rest and Restoration and we’re here to see what people think of the Tomb here for user feedback. The bartender says there isn't a Tomb, but there's the Template at least? Nissa spouts stuff about tourism and marketing and the bartender nods knowingly but we can see it go over her head.
Nissa asks where the hustle and bustle is. Apparently it's been gone since one of the high priests at the temples, fellow named Thesselar, took over.
The village didn't see much in general, but at least some of the priests would come into town to drink back then. After Thesselar “removed the competition”, no one’s seen any of the other priests in some time and word is there’s some weird stuff going on.
We might’ve heard of some of his inventions, like the Owlbear? You can buy cute ones in the gift shop, but don’t tell Thesselar we’re curious because people tend to disappear.
Kanye bursts in to tell everyone about a "strange sighting outside", and how "he's never seen anything like it". The old man tells him it's just an Owlbear, and the group is aggressively uninterested, Averlyth and Nissa are ordering from the menu, the bartender is recommending the mushrooms.Old Man: Owlbears more scared of you than you are of them, just wear a bell when you go into the forest, don’t catch them by surprise.Kanye: Do they have any weaknesses?Old Man: That is a very weird questionKanye: Have you tried fire?Old Man: No? Who ARE you?Kanye: I need a roomUm: This is the first time you’ve been asked who you are and you didn’t introduce yourselfThe group is deciding we’re going to represent "Tomb Raters" under the premise of voting on the best tombs/temples in the area for a Buzzfeed-style listicle.
The group doesn’t feel responsible for Schroedinger’s Balor.
Kanye is suddenly ecstatic to discover that half-dragons may live til thousands of years, which means we could meet Liberace again in the future, after we forgot to say good-bye to him at Neverwinter.