2017 Power Rankings-Week 2

<---Week One Power Rankings...Week Three Power Rankings --->
== Introduction ==
Well that was...odd. Week one is in the books and uh, we didn't exactly play great.
JarJar Stinks! didn't just lose. They went down in epic fashion. JJS becames just the 3rd team (And 1st since 2012) to score ZERO touchdowns in a game. They posted the 3rd lowest regular season score and the 4th lowest score playoffs/regular season combined in LEAGUE HISTORY. Yes, a historically bad game from JJS.
The other nine teams don't have much to brag about, either. Last season, four teams opened with over 230 points. This season, only two teams broke 210 and no one broke 220.
Last season, the total first week score of all ten teams was 2239.63. This season we only scrounged up 1,849.35. We didn't fail to break 2,000 points at all in 2016.
What does this say about the early season? Are injuries destined to curb our scoring? Is talent even more fluid and difficult to come by due to the way NFL teams are running their offense? Or is this just a week one fluke?
Finally, for our five losers, fear not:
Last season FOUR teams that lost week one made the playoffs, including the champ, while three teams won the opening game and ended up in the consolation tournament. No matter what, one team that lost week one is guaranteed to make the Festival of Champions. Glory Bowls are not decided by week one wins or season projections. That's why we play the game.
But uh...get your shit together, huh JarJar?
== The LOC Turns 80 ==
This week marks the 80th regular season game in LOC History. Later this year we will reach an even bigger milestone: 100 combined games played.
== Survivor ==
Seven teams signed up for a chance at hand picking their first three weeks. Three teams I guess don't care. One team choose incorrectly (I don't know which team this is because their name is nondescript), but it is double elimination so be sure to submit your picks again this week.
== Bust Watch ==
Let's take a look at how our first round picks performed opening weekend.
Bust Watch: Total Points for First Round Picks
Player 	Total Points
Antonio Brown 	33.80
Todd Gurley 	23.95
Jordy Nelson 	21.90
David Johnson 	14.83
DeVonta Freeman 	14.33
AJ Green 	13.20
Julio Jones 	11.20
DeMarco Murray 	10.80
LeVeon Bell 	9.50
Odell Beckham Jr.	0.00
Duck Punchers clearly avoided a week one disaster (and potential week 2 disaster) with Odell Beckham Jr, but AJ Green didn't exactly fly as high as the Ducks might have hoped. Meanwhile, David Johnson is expected to miss at least a couple of months with a wrist injury, which puts the first overall pick close to the Bust Zone. And this is just the first time in Bell's career that he ran for less than 80 yards against the Browns. Not a good sign. In fact, his finish as RB37 was the worst of his career. But the season is young.
== Top Stories ==
* OBJ was ruled inactive just hours before the Giants game, putting the final nail in the proverbial coffin for Paddock 9's week one hopes. Maybe he needs to hit the weight room a little harder before his next run-in with Shotti. 
* David Johnson is rumored to be coming back to the field...by Christmas. If Papa can make it to the Glory Bowl he may have a gift waiting for him under the Glory Tree.
* Meanwhile, Austin Cooper lit it up on Papa Posse's bench, playing 80% of Falcons offensive snaps. You have to wonder if Mr. Irrelivent is actually a 16th round diamond for the Posse.
* GBM once again seemed to strike gold late in the draft, with guys like West and Kupp doing work in week one. But somehow Commish comes out of the week looking like an absolute moron. He claimed the Rams D would be outscored by the Chargers. He claimed Houston would shut down Fournette. He claimed D.Cook was a poor substitude for D.Murray. Jesus Christ, dude, be more wrong, you can't be.
* Danny Woodhead's career is dangerously close to being over after once again exciting with a hamstring injury. Fortunately for Duck Punchers, Allen Robinson tore his ACL just plays later. By halftime, both momma and Duck Punchers had starting spots taken up by retired players.
== Fantasy Gods Have Spoken ==
All this talk of the Matt Jinx and we have forgotten the only force more powerful: The Fantasy Gods. The Gods penalized The Shotti Bunch for not giving up DeSean Jackson during KeeperGate by forcing Hurricane Irma upon the Tamba Bay Bucs. DeSean was forced to sit out opening week. Just a warning shot.
== The Matchup ==
* Final Score
** Pain Train (208.46) vs. Papa's Posse (192.71)
* The Story
** Papa's Posse made a furious comeback Monday night as Thielen put the team on his back and posted a massive 34.50 points. This drew PP to within "I Benched the Win" range with a chance to actually win it with Emmanuel Sanders. That is, until Pain Train was bailed out by the most unlikely position imaginable: Tight End. Yes, in the ultimate irony, the team that has been shat on for trying to trade tight ends for the last two week clinched their victory with a garbage time TD from Fleener. PP's final player, Emmanual Sanders, let him down. Sanders saw his second lowest targets total in a game in two years.
== The Rankings ==
=== 1(2). The Shotti Bunch ===
* Record: 1-0
So much for geriatric. Shotti's running backs played less like grandpas and more like Uncle Drews, leading the LOC in rushing yards with 291. Everyone showed up. Well, that is, everyone but poor old Adrian Peterson, who played just 15% of Saints snaps. Otherwise, pretty much everything went right for Shotti. Even Amendola was kind enough to score 23.80 points before leaving with a concussion.
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=== 2(1). RIPDab ===
* Record: 1-0
Like Miami and Tampa Bay, RIP was basically handed a week one bye. But they simply gave an underwhelming performance for a team some believe could make its first Glory Bowl appearance in 2017. Fifty points from the defense masked an otherwise dud from their receiving corps. Marshall was one garbage time catch away from being outscored by Julian Edelman. I guess I expected another Hurricane Harvey and got Hurricane 2016-momma said.
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=== 3(4). Sweet Dee ===
* Record: 1-0
If Sweet Dee destroying their week one opponent and moving up in the rankings sounds familiar to you, it's because this is the third year in the row its happened. In fact, in 2015 & 2016 Sweet Dee was ranked 1st in the week 2 rankings after dominating opening day performances. The opening month isn't their issue. They are 10-8 in September, but just 8-27 in October/November combined.
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=== 4(3). Garoppoblow Me ===
* Record: 0-1
Take it from me: being wrong about everything isn't as bad as it sounds. Commish banked on the Texans defense coming up big and was wrong. Fournette balled out while riding the pine, piling up points while eviscerating Houston's D-line. Garcon numbed the pain and the bench performed great but for a team with Glory Bowl aspirations moral victories just don't cut it. This was their lowest score since week 11 of 2015, snapping a streak of 28 games over 186 points scored. 
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=== 5(6). The Duck Punchers ===
* Record: 1-0
So how about that High Flying Duck Offense? Their starting WRs averaged 13.74. Not exactly lights out, but for the tenth time in eleven games the team managed to break 200 against ma ma momma said. If Hunt continues to come up big, these Ducks might be flocking to a bye. And Hopkins looks like he's back. Oh, and by the way:
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=== 6(7). Paddock 9 ===
* Record: 0-1
They don't call him ol' 50/50 Pat for nothing. And with OBJ 50/50 all week P9 had to make some tough decisions that ultimately didn't pay off. But even though all his trash talk ultimately led to a 20-point demolition, the fact is they were the fifth highest scoring team of the week. And they accomplished that with Gronk shut down against KC and their first round pick out with an injury. This team has potential.
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=== 7(9). Pain Train WOO WOO ===
* Record: 1-0
The good news? Pain Train now owns the longest opening day win streak in league history (3) and the most opening week wins (5). The bad news? They are 2-4 in week two games and haven't won one since 2014. It gets worse. Keeper Jordan Howard is being pushed out of a job by Tarik Cohen and keeper Davante Adams appears to be the third option for Aaron Rodgers behind Nelson and Cobb.
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=== 8(8). ma ma momma said ===
* Record: 0-1
Okay, so they're 1-6 on opening day and 0-2 when playing fantasy anywhere but the continental United States. Let's talk about domestic violence. Zeke faces the possibility of playing the entire season? BIG if true. Momma now has Bell, Elliot, and Ajayi...three projected first round backs for the price of one! Because of that, momma might be ranked way too low, but I'll wait to see them exceed their 2016 win total before declaring them "back."
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=== 9(5). Papa's Posse ===
* Record: 0-1
SO CLOSE, yet so far for Papa's Posse against Pain Train. And that was a win they absolutely needed. Let's just say they took the DJ news better than I expected. 
With David Johnson missing significant time, the wind has been totally sucked from the sails of this promising team. Now a week two matchup they were projected to win has them as 41% underdogs. At least their bench broke 100, giving them a TPS over 309.
Momma took advantage of his time zone by picking up David Johnson's backup while the rest of us were still asleep. Unlike the initial injury news, Papa did not take this news well. I dare say a new rivalry is brewing. 
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=== 10(10). JarJar Stinks! ===
* Record: 0-1
After not scoring under 180 the entire 2016 season, JJ posted the single worst score in franchise history week one against RIP. Perhaps JarJar's biggest mistake of the early season is not retaining Zach Ertz, who sat in the 8th round keeper bargain bin. Ertz has finished as a top-10 TE in 8 of his last 10 games and a top-5 TE in 6 of his last 10. Now they need Mike Evans to basically carry this entire team. And they need that NOW.  
== Stat Notes ==
* Duck Punchers becomes the first team to reach 17,000 regular season points scored.
* The Shotti Bunch becomes the seventh team to reach 15,000 regular season points scored.
** Papa's Posse becomes the eighth.
* The Shotti Bunch becomes the sixth team to reach 18,000 combined points scored. He does so in a record breaking 79 games.
* GBM becomes the third team to reach 50 combined losses.
* Pain Train becomes the third team to reach 16,000 regular season points against.
** GBM becomes the fourth.
** Paddock 9 becomes the fifth.
== The Matchups ==
=== The Undercards ===
==== The Duck Punchers (225.25) vs. JarJar Stinks! (194.23) ====
* What to Watch: The least dramatic of the three matchups that pit an 0-1 team against a 1-0 team, this is a quarterfinals rematch from last season. JJS defeated DP on the way to Glory Bowl VI. Otherwise, DP is 3-0 in the regular season against JJS and is heavily favored.
==== Sweet Dee (229.32) vs. Paddock 9 (209.17) ====
* What to Watch: P9 owns the series edge 4-3 but is on a two-game losing streak against Sweet Dee. Can SD take one more step towards proving their legitimacy, or will P9 make a statement and take down the 20-point favorite? ODB's game is on Monday night and his status could be the X-Factor.
==== Papa's Posse (197.83) vs. Garoppoblow Me (221.56) ====
* What to Watch: Something has got to give here. This is the lone matchup of two winless teams. GBM caught a huge break with David Johnson going down, but Papa drafted strong and will hope rookie Christian McCaffrey can help fill the void. How will Brady recover against the Saints? Can Houston dominate the Bengals with Cushing suspended? GBM owns the series edge 7-3.
==== ma ma momma said (228.89) vs. Pain Train WOO WOO (212.02) ====
* What to Watch: The first look at momma's three-headed monster (Bell, Elliot, Ajayi). Can Pain Train withstand the assault of the fully-functional London Offense? How will Antonio Brown fair against that lockdown Minnesota defense? Flex positions look like the key to victory for these two. Can Taylor Gabriel, Jay Ajayi, John Brown beat Kelvin Benjamin, Javorius Allen, and Davante Adams? These teams are tied 42-37 in the all-time regular season standings, with this matchup being the pivotal 80th game.
=== The Main Event ===
==== RIPDab (224.20) vs. The Shotti Bunch (233.65) ====
* 2017 Wins
** RIPDab: 1-0
** The Shotti Bunch 1-0
* Series Wins
** The Shotti Bunch: 9
** RIPDab: 3
* Historic Battles
** 2013, 2015, 2016 semifinals: TSB 3-0
*Thursday Players on Roster
**RIPDab: 0
**The Shotti Bunch: 1
*Sunday Players on Roster
**RIPDab: 17
**The Shotti Bunch: 14
*Monday Players on Roster
**RIPDab: 1
**The Shotti Bunch: 1
*Players to Watch (RIPDab)
**Defense: RIP carries several on the roster, and his choice could be crucial to his success.
**Jordan Reed: The guy is playing with a broken toe, for fucks sake!
**Davonte Freeman: GB locked down Seattle's run game. Can Freeman break free on Sunday night?
*Players to Watch (The Shotti Bunch)
**Jarvis Landry: Amendola is in the concussion protocol and could be a no go, so more pressure is now on the debut of Landry.
**Tyler Eifert: Need more out of the tight end spot and will have trouble getting it on Thursday Night.
**Marshawn Lynch: Lynch was "eased" back into football to the tune of 17.40 points. How high is the ceiling for this guy?
Head-to-Head: RIPDab vs. The Shotti Bunch
Date 	RIPDab	The Shotti Bunch	Classification	Series Record
10/22/12	237.04	243.92 	Regular Season	0-1
09/30/13	263.58	243.41 	Regular Season	1-1
12/02/13	236.44	240.34 	Regular Season	1-2
12/16/13	206.00	240.64 	Semifinals 	1-3
09/22/14	212.85	233.66 	Regular Season	1-4
11/24/14	136.75	236.93 	Regular Season	1-5
09/28/15	211.99	216.24 	Regular Season	1-6
11/30/15	187.14	173.46 	Regular Season	2-6
12/21/15	243.48	263.40 	Semifinals 	2-7
10/31/16	228.40	239.14 	Regular Season	2-8
11/14/16	270.87	246.83 	Regular Season	3-8
12/19/16	190.85	259.04 	Semifinals 	3-9
The first ever LOC double-header begins this weekend with RIP vs. TSB. All eyes will be on RIP as he tries to tie or sweep the series from the favored defending champ. If he does so, the balance of power may shift in the League of Champions.
So let's be real. Can you really call a 9-3 series a rivalry? I'd say so. The Shotti Bunch has gone through RIPDab for all three of their trophies. But even though TSB owns the series (and they REALLY own the series), RIP has been creeping up on them over the last few seasons. The series is 2-3 over the last five games, and RIP feels that it is to his advantage to attack early while TSB is sorting out their final roster.
As of this writing, 21 of the 22 starters for these teams are slated to go on Sunday, with two from each team playing the night game. With a combined projection of close to 500 points, this should be an exciting match with a photo finish.
== Conclusion ==
Happy birthday, Nate! Nate is one of those people you're just glad exists becaue you know there isn't another individual like them in the world. Thanks for being born, bro!