Order in the Rock!/transcript

This article is a transcript of the episode "Order in the Rock!" from season 105, which aired on January 4, 2165.
Outside of the Krusty Krab. Cut to the inside, where Patrick walks up to the counter to place an order.
SQUIDWARD: Lemme guess. Another "pabby kratty", as you like to put it?
PATRICK: Hey, how'd you know? I've only come here a gazillion times! How can you tell?
SQUIDWARD: *sarcastic and shrugs arms* Oh, I don't know. *turns to order window* SpongeBob, I need a Krabby Patty. And make it extra sloppy, it's for your best friend... also my worst enemy.
Cut to the grill, where SpongeBob is ecstatic.
SPONGEBOB: Oh, wow! I get to cook another Krabby Patty for my best friend for the 100th time this week! I never get tired of frying, do I?
Cut back to the boat counter.
SQUIDWARD: And that'll be $3.99.
Patrick takes out his wallet to look for money, but he only has a $1 bill and several coins inside.
PATRICK: I think this should be more than enough!
Patrick empties the wallet (including his cards) on Squidward's hand.
PATRICK: Here's your payment, sir!
SQUIDWARD: Yeah, like this even is enough. Lemme count. 1 dollar... 10 cents... 20 cents... 45 cents... Patrick's poop-covered diaper... *throws it away* and his certificate of stupidity... *throws it away too* I'm sorry, but all that sums up to $1.45. Not enough.
PATRICK: Not enough to pay for 2 patties? I ordered only 1, mind you!
SQUIDWARD: $1.45 isn't even enough to pay for half a patty, stupid.
PATRICK: Wait. It's not?
SQUIDWARD: Nuh-uh. I'm afraid I'll have to cancel your order.
Cut back to the grill, where SpongeBob overhears what Squidward says.
SPONGEBOB: *gasps* Cancel his order?!? But that means Patrick won't be able to enjoy his patty!
SpongeBob pokes out of the order window to argue with Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: Squidward, please let Patrick have his Krabby Patty! I really want him to savor and enjoy it! Even if it means having to sell it at a discount, a price of $1.45...
The wall & door of Mr. Krabs's office suddenly explode, revealing Mr. Krabs standing there, an angry expression shown on his face.
MR. KRABS: Did someone say DISCOUNT?!?
SPONGEBOB: Yes, that's me! May I please sell this patty to my best friend, Patrick, at a discounted price of $1.45?
MR. KRABS: *shouting* ARE YOU CRAZY? Here at the Krusty Krab, prices never go lower, only higher! It's the only way to sustain my business, boy!
SPONGEBOB: But Patrick only has $1.45 with him right now...
MR. KRABS: Then he needs to go get a job! Preferably one high-paying, so he can spend more in me restaurant...
Pan over to Patrick, where he hears what Mr. Krabs says.
PATRICK: Get a job? Wonder what that is. I'll go ask SpongeBob later. *walks away, leaving cash with Squidward*
Squidward notices Patrick walking away.
SQUIDWARD: Hey, you gonna retrieve your money or what?
Patrick doesn't hear Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Whatever, gonna keep this money for myself.
Just when Squidward is about to stuff the money in his pocket, Mr. Krabs notices and swipes it from Squidward extremely quick.
Mr. Krabs says nothing but hisses angrily, and walks away to his office to keep the money.
SQUIDWARD: *indifferent* Typical.
Bubble transition. Patrick is with SpongeBob in his pineapple house.
PATRICK: So, SpongeBob, what's a job?
SPONGEBOB: Pretty simple! For example, a firefighter, a doctor, a teacher, or even a fart smeller... those are examples of jobs! I work at the Krusty Krab. That's my job!
PATRICK: Interesting. You get paid if you have a job, right?
SPONGEBOB: Of course! I get paid one cent every year. It's called a salary. Teachers earn about 8 dollars per hour, as an example.
PATRICK: Hm... I want a higher salary.
SPONGEBOB: How about a lawyer? They earn about $57 an hour!
PATRICK: Oh, I wanna be a lawyer! That's a perfect job for me! Just think of how many Krabby Patties I could afford!
SPONGEBOB: Well, you're gonna have to go to the Bikini Bottom Court for an interview to become a lawyer. Want me to follow you there now?
PATRICK: Yeah, sure! Hopefully being a lawyer won't be too hard.
Bubble transition. SpongeBob and Patrick walk into the Bikini Bottom Court, where they marvel at the luxurious and expansive interior of the court.
PATRICK: Wow... they used so much cheese to make the walls! The cheese is really shiny too!
SPONGEBOB: Um, that's gold, Patrick. Shall we go to an office for the interview now?
SpongeBob notices Patrick licking the wall.
SPONGEBOB: Hey, don't lick that! *runs over*
SpongeBob grabs Patrick and walks away.
SPONGEBOB: Let's go ask for an interview now.
PATRICK: Aw. But gold tasted so nice! Nicer than cheese!
SpongeBob walks to an intersection, where each path leads to a long and seemingly endless corridor.
SPONGEBOB: Wow. I never knew so many people wanted to work as a lawyer! Now, which path to choose? Patrick, spin me around as much as you can.
PATRICK: Is this the interview already?
SPONGEBOB: Um, no. But just spin me!
Patrick grabs SpongeBob and spins him around for a few seconds. SpongeBob points the direction he is facing.
SPONGEBOB: Well, let's go this way!
SpongeBob and Patrick walk the corridor, doors dotting each side of the corridor. Each door has a sign next to it.
SPONGEBOB: *reading signs* Judge Sam Salmon... Attorney Trout Tyler... Hey, this must be the interviewing office! The sign says "Interviews Here". Come on, Patrick, let's go in.
SpongeBob pushes the door, where they are greeted by a very empty room; white walls, floor & ceiling, a ceiling light, and a table & 2 chairs in the middle of the room.
A fancily dressed fish sits in a chair. He notices Patrick.
FISH: Ah, two interviewees, I suppose?
SPONGEBOB: No, not really. I'm just accompanying my friend Patrick for an interview to become a lawyer!
FISH: Hmm... *close-up of Patrick's disgusting face* He doesn't seem fit for the job, but eh. I'll just interview him. Sponge, please stand outside and wait.
SpongeBob walks out of the room. Patrick sits down on a chair, facing the fish.
FISH: So your name is Patrick and you want to be a lawyer. Is that correct?
PATRICK: Yeah.
FISH: Very well. I'd like you to answer a few questions. First, your current job?
PATRICK: None. I like to call it fun-employment!
The fish rolls his eyes.
FISH: Any awards?
PATRICK: Nope. I do have a trophy for being the best at doing nothing, though.
FISH: Wow, how fascinating. Why do you want to be a lawyer?
PATRICK: High salary. I wanna buy lots of Krabby Patties with my money!
FISH: Alright, last question. Any experience with law-related jobs?
PATRICK: Does being a toilet cleaner count? I analyse poop to make sure they don't have bombs or anything suspicious in it. I did get fired for being "disgusting", as they put it.
FISH: Well, okay, you're hired. You just barely passed. *gives briefcase to Patrick* Here's your stereotypical briefcase. All your lawyer necessities are inside.
PATRICK: Thanks! That was easy.
Patrick walks out of the room. SpongeBob is waiting for him there.
SPONGEBOB: Wow, that was fast! Did you pass?
PATRICK: Of course! The test was super easy, even considering my low intellect.
SPONGEBOB: Oh. No wonder there are so many lawyers in this court! What's in the briefcase?
PATRICK: All my fancy lawyer stuff.
SPONGEBOB: Okay. Shall we book a courtroom for you now?
PATRICK: Sure!
Patrick and SpongeBob walk back to the intersection, but they do not recall which way is to the entrance.
SPONGEBOB: Quick, Patrick, spin me again. I forgot which path the entrance leads to!
PATRICK: If you say so.
Patrick spins SpongeBob round again for a few more seconds. SpongeBob points the way he is facing.
SPONGEBOB: Alright, let's go this way.
SpongeBob and Patrick turn up at the entrance of the court. They walk up to the reception.
SPONGEBOB: Excuse me, but may I book a courtroom for my friend Patrick over here? He just became a lawyer.
RECEPTIONIST: I'm sorry, but all the courtrooms are occupied. I'm afraid you'll have to hold trials somewhere else not in the court.
SPONGEBOB: Oh, that's okay, we can compromise for that. Thanks for your help.
Bubble transition. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking home.
PATRICK: So, where am I going to hold "trials" or whatever they call it?
SPONGEBOB: Easy! Just build a courtroom in your rock.
PATRICK: Okay, then let's get to it!
SpongeBob and Patrick walk into his rock, where construction sounds are soon heard.
Time card: 1 noisy hour later...
The courtroom inside Patrick's rock is completed. It is very poorly made, but SpongeBob and Patrick are proud of their work.
SPONGEBOB: What do you think? Very fancy, isn't it?
PATRICK: Yeah! Even better than the Bikini Bottom Court! *goes over to lick wood on walls* Mmm... better than gold.
SPONGEBOB: Alright, now you'll need clients. You gotta defend them from crimes they haven't committed but everyone thinks they have. Wanna put up some advertisements outside?
PATRICK: Okay.
SpongeBob and Patrick walk outside, where construction sounds are heard again.
Time card: Another noisy hour later...
An obnoxiously large sign is put outside Patrick's rock. A fish driving by reads what is on the sign.
FISH: Hm. Framed for a crime you didn't commit? Doctor Patrick is here to defend you! Go into the rock beside this sign for more information. Well, that's weird. Never knew doctors and lawyers switched jobs. I do have a case on my hands, so it's best I go into the rock.
The fish gets out of his car and walks into Patrick's rock, where he is greeted by the shabbily-made courtroom.
FISH: Wow, the government seems really greedy nowadays.
Patrick, attired in a white suit and blue tie, notices the fish and welcomes him.
PATRICK: Welcome to my courtroom! Do you need a defense? Or, that's what they call it, at least.
FISH: Of course! People have been saying I've robbed a bank when I really haven't. Please defend me, Doctor Patrick! I'm innocent, I swear!
PATRICK: Let's see about that.
Bubble transition. Patrick, a prosecutor, a judge and the fish are in the courtroom.
JUDGE: The trial of Rob Fishkins will now begin. Prosecution, your opening statement?
PROSECUTION: Certainly, Your Honor. The fish at the stand, Rob, has been accused of robbing a bank yesterday, but he claims he has not. Defense, do you have anything to back his innocence up?
PATRICK: Duh! If Rob says he's innocent, then he's innocent. Case closed, he isn't guilty!
The judge is angry and bangs his gavel.
JUDGE: Just because he says he's innocent, doesn't mean it's true! He might be lying, you know. We need legitimate proof of him being innocent, like he was framed or something.
PATRICK: Oh, um... *checks briefcase* Nope, not here... *removes pants and checks it and his underwear* None here either...
The judge and prosecutor are disgusted by this.
PATRICK: Nope, no proof of him being innocent. So he's innocent and not guilty, case closed.
The judge is even angrier and bangs his gavel three times.
JUDGE: Boy, are you a card! Stop being so ridiculous and do your job properly next time. Anyways, Rob Fishkins... would you like to offer a testimony proving your innocence?
ROB: Certainly, Your Honor. On 18th August yesterday, I was busy making a transaction at the Bank of Bikini Bottom Bank, and then I left. That's all I did. I didn't rob the bank, I swear!
The judge nods his head.
JUDGE: Very well, then. Prosecution, any evidence proving his guilt?
PROSECUTOR: Of course, Your Honor. As you can see from this CCTV snapshot, *close-up* it clearly shows Rob opening the vault in order to steal cash! And only now do I realize that Rob is an unfortunate name for him...
JUDGE: Hmm... that is indeed supporting proof of his robbery. Rob, do you have anything to say in retaliation?
ROB: Wh-what...? I didn't open a vault or anything! I probably have a doppelganger or something, you know, some other guy that looks like me! I swear I'm no robber!
PATRICK: Objection!
The judge and prosecutor are surprised by this.
PATRICK: I object, because that CCTV footage seemed... objectionable!
The judge bangs his gavel yet again.
JUDGE: Enough of your ballyhoo! Your attempts to defend Rob are nothing but silly and futile. Anyways, Rob, I think this is enough to issue a verdict to you. *bangs gavel* GUILTY! Police, take him away.
Two policemen come up from behind Rob, grab his shoulders and takes him away.
ROB: *angrily* You are a terrible lawyer, Lawyer P- oh yeah. Terrible doctor, Doctor Patrick! I hope you get fired!
After Rob gets dragged off-screen, the judge bangs his gavel.
JUDGE: Court is now adjourned.
PATRICK: Excuse me, Your Honorness, what does "adjourned" mean?
JUDGE: It means court is dismissed and the trial is over, fool! Now get out.
PATRICK: Whatever.
PROSECUTOR: Oh, and take your nasty pants and underwear with you! *throws them at Patrick*
Patrick's pants and underwear land on his head, and he walks away.
Bubble transition. Patrick is crying in SpongeBob's house.
SPONGEBOB: What's the matter, Patrick?
PATRICK: Oh, SpongeBob, I can't seem to do my job as a lawyer well and properly! I don't even know what fancy words they're speaking during the trial. And my client is in jail, even though he did nothing wrong! I stink at being a lawyer...
SPONGEBOB: Patrick, it's okay! Even if you do your job badly, you still get paid, right?
PATRICK: *smiling* Oh, yeah!
A knock is heard at the door. Patrick goes to get it. The door opens to reveal a fancily-dressed fish.
FISH: Mr. Patrick Star, I've heard that you have failed to successfully defend your client, Rob Fishkins, from a crime he did not commit. You are executing your job very poorly, I must say.
Cut to Patrick, where he's drooling, not understanding a word he is saying.
FISH: *sighs* Anyways, I'm sorry, but I'll have to cut your pay of 57 dollars this hour. Try again next time.
The fish closes the door. Patrick begins to cry even more. SpongeBob walks up to him.
SPONGEBOB: Oh, what now, buddy?
PATRICK: I... I didn't get my salary of 57 dollars and now I can't buy my Krabby Patties!
SPONGEBOB: It's okay! Maybe if you try again for the next case, you'll succeed and get the money you've been wanting!
Patrick brightens up with a smile.
PATRICK: Great advice! Hopefully my next case won't be so tough, like the last one.
Patrick walks out of SpongeBob's house. He sees a fish knocking on Patrick's rock. Patrick walks up to him.
PATRICK: Excuse me, sir, may I help you?
FISH: Oh, yes, please! My name is Henry Gulper and I'm being framed for having robbed a donut shop the other day, even though I really haven't. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I rob food establishments! Please defend me, Mr. Patrick.
PATRICK: Hmm. Robbing a donut shop, you say?
Time card: Flashback 5 days ago
Patrick barges into a donut shop, wearing a sock as a mask and holding a paper bag.
PATRICK: This is a robbery! Give me all your donuts NOW!
CASHIER: *nervous* U-um, don't you mean money?
PATRICK: No, I want your donuts! I wanna eat them! Give them to me now, or face... *pulls down pants and shows butt* the smell of my ever-so-smelly farts!
CASHIER: Eek!
The cashier grabs as many donuts as he can and puts them into Patrick's bag. Patrick then walks away, but drops a donut on the way.
Henry, who is walking by, notices the donut and proceeds to pick it up.
HENRY: Ooh, a free donut!
Time card: End of flashback
HENRY: Um, mister, why are you drooling?
PATRICK: Huh? Oh, uh, nothing. I just really like donuts! Come into my rock, I'll defend you real good.
Patrick and Henry walk into the courtroom.
PATRICK: Alright, now just stand over there and the trial can start.
Henry walks over to the witness stand.
PATRICK: Alright. *fancily* Let the trial begin!
There is actually no one in the courtroom, except for Patrick and Henry.
PATRICK: Oh. Guess we need those fancy people again.
Patrick snaps his fingers, and a judge and prosecutor randomly appear from nowhere.
JUDGE: Well, I never! The same defense again?
PATRICK: Oh, hey, it's you again! And the same prosecuting guy too!
PROSECUTOR: Ehhh. *notices Henry* Oh, it's you! You filthy donut shop robber! Just look at those fats!
Detailed close-up of Henry's fats.
JUDGE: Okay, that's enough. Is the defense ready?
PATRICK: Yes, Your Honorness!
JUDGE: ...it's Your Honor, but whatever. Is the prosecutor ready?
PROSECUTOR: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: The trial of Henry Gulper will now begin. Prosecution, your opening statement?
PROSECUTOR: Certainly, Your Honor. The fish at the stand, Henry, has been accused of robbing a bank five days ago, but he claims he has not. Defense, do you have anything to back his innocence up?
PATRICK'S INNER VOICE: Alright, Pat, you got this. You need to get that 57 dollars!
PATRICK: Of course!
JUDGE: *to himself* Oh, please don't be nonsensical again.
PATRICK: I can reveal that it was ME who robbed the donut shop.
The judge, the prosecutor, and Henry all gasp in shock.
PATRICK: On that day, I ran into the donut shop wearing a sock on my head while holding a paper bag. I shouted at the cashier to give me donuts, or he would smell my stinky farts. He agreed and gave me so many donuts! He's such a fantastic person, I wanna rob that place again. I'll get free donuts from him every day!
The judge and the prosecutor both have their mouth stuck open wide. Henry heaves a sigh of relief.
HENRY: Phew, thank goodness my innocence has been proven! Looks like it was Patrick all along, how surprising.
JUDGE: W-well, this should be enough to issue a verdict to Henry. *bangs gavel* NOT GUILTY!
PATRICK: Woohoo! I've successfully defended my client for once! Salary, here I come!
POLICEMAN: *arrests Patrick* Not any time soon, pal. You'll be staying in the big house for quite some time.
The policeman leads Patrick away.
Bubble transition to the Bikini Bottom Jail. SpongeBob is sitting down at the meeting room, where Patrick then walks up and sits down.
SPONGEBOB: Hi, Patrick. Maybe being a lawyer wasn't the right choice for you, it seems.
PATRICK: Nuh-uh.
SPONGEBOB: Oh, and you're not getting your salary any time soon, are you?
PATRICK: Nope. *eyes begin to water* No more Krabby Patties.
SPONGEBOB: So... then, what job do you wanna get after your prison sentence?
Patrick thinks about it for a while.
PATRICK: Prison guard! You get to command inmates and punish them and beat them up and torture them too, and I think they get paid highly too.
The episode ends.