A Leak Has Sprung on the S.S. Diarrhea!

A Leak Has Sprung on the S.S. Diarrhea! is an episode written by .
== Transcript ==
(Episode begins with Bubble Bass typing on his computer)
Bubble Bass: …And that is why I think women are fucking idiots for not dating me. (Presses Enter) Send. (Sighs) Well, I think this calls for a soda! 
(Bass realizes his soda is out of his reach on his desk)
Bubble Bass: Oh for FUCK’s sake with this BULLSHIT. I am so fucking fat.
(Bubble Bass tries leaning forwards on to grab it, but he still can’t reach it)
Bubble Bass: FOR FUCK’S SAKE. I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE I AM DEALING WITH THIS BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW. I JUST WANT A FUCKING SODA.
(Bubble Bass once again leans forward to grab his soda, but he falls forward, smashing his desk, and breaking his monitors)
Bubble Bass: NO… FUCK NO! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! FUCK! FUCKING FUCK! FUCKER FUCKING FUCK SHIT FUCK WHORE BITCH ASS TIT SLUT VAGINA ANAL FUCKING VIRGINITY BITCH! MY FUCKING MONITOR BROKE! 
(Bubble Bass shouts in anger)
Bubble Bass: Now I gotta get this fucking bullshit fixed.
(Bubble Bass takes his computer upstairs)
Bass: MOTHER! I AM GOING TO GET MY COMPUTER FIXED!
Bass’ Mother: (Offscreen) Why don’t you also lose some fucking weight while you’re at it? Go to a gym, maybe?
Bass: Yeah, fuck you too, mother.
(Bass leaves his house and begins walking down the street)
Bass: Let’s see… where can I get my computer fixed around here?
(Bass suddenly bumps into someone else)
Bass: HEY, ONE SIDE, YOU FUCKING - (stares at the person he just bumped into) What the fuck… who the hell are you?
(The person is revealed to be Patchy the Pirate)
Patchy: Ahoy! I’m Patchy the Pirate!
Bass: You seem like just a grown man dressed as a pirate to me.
Patchy: I am the president of the SpongeBob Fanclub! And, uh, between you and me - I’m only here because I am fleeing my former country for… several crimes.
Bass: So… why did you choose to go here?
Patchy: SpongeBob lives here, does he not?
Bass: Uh, actually, he moved.
Patchy: He… Uh… What?
Bass: Yeah. He moved.
Patchy: Where!?
Bass: Beats me, dude. But it’s been so much better since he moved.
Patchy: (Pause) You’re fucking kidding me.
Bass: Sorry, pal. It’s true.
(After a lengthy, and awkward, pause, Patchy sighs as he shoots himself in the head out of nowhere, much to Bass' shock)
Bass: (long pause) Uh… so…. I guess… uh…. I'll be getting back to…. What I was doing…
(Bass walks off as Patchy's ghost rises from his corpse)
Patchy: Oh fuck… I guess I'm a fucking ghost now…
(Suddenly, a hearty laugh booms across the town as green smoke surrounds Patchy; The Flying Dutchman appears before him)
Patchy: What?! The Dutchman?!
Dutchman: Yes, and your soul is mine forever! You will be part of me ghostly ghost crew for ALL OF ETERNITY!
(Lightning cackles as Dutchman starts laughing)
Patchy: …wait… hang on… are you… my father?
(Lightning stops and Dutchman stops laughing as he just stares at Patchy; fade to the two of them on the stage for a TV show)
TV Host: On tonight's show: Are Dutchman and Patchy the Pirate related by blood?
(Cut to Dutchman standing in front of a blue gradient background)
Dutchman: Listen, there just isn't any way this pirate dude is my son. I only had sex one time while I was still living, and I died after ejaculating. Sorry, can I not say that on TV?
(Cut to Patchy in front of the same blue gradient)
Patchy: This dude just HAS to be my father. He looks nearly identical to me! I mean, just look; we're both pirates! We both have long beards! The semblance is almost uncanny. I will flip my shit if this dude's not my father.
(Fade to the stage again, with the two sitting on chairs while the host has a slip of paper)
TV Host: The results are in, and Dutchman… You ARE the father!
(The entire crowd erupts as Patchy begins cheers in excitement, while Dutchman is just inaudibly shouting in anger; eventually, Dutchman just throws his chair angrily and walks off stage)
TV Host: Our show will be back after these messages.
(A commercial with 2 people in bed begins playing)
Narrator: Having trouble reaching peak performance for your special someone? 
(The male fish nods)
Narrator: Then try our new, state-of-the-art penis enlarger pills!
(The TV suddenly switches off as we see Krabs in his underwear and a tank top watching it on his sofa with crumbs all over his chest)
Krabs: Yeesh. Who the hell watches this dribble? 
(Krabs stands up from the couch, still covered in crumbs)
Krabs: I suppose I should do something else now…
(Krabs just stands in place for 10 seconds, scratching his ass once)
Krabs: Fuck it. (Collapses back into the chair, grabbing the remote)
(Krabs presses the remote, but when he does, his house explodes completely, and we see Plankton standing in front of it)
Plankton: Haha! SUCCESS! I have killed Mr. Krabs!
(Plankton does a big evil laugh for several seconds, with his laugh slowly dwindling down until he is completely silent)
Plankton: Why did I do this? What purpose did this serve?! I am a fucking MASS MURDERER! I AM A TERRORIST! I… I… I feel alive… I FEEL ALIVE!
(Cut to Plankton running through downtown with a bazooka, laughing as he blows up several buildings and gunning down fleeing civilians)
Plankton: I FEEL SO FUCKIN’ ALIVE! YOU DIE! (Shoots a civillian) AND YOU DIE! (Blows up another) AND YOU DIE! (Guns down another) AND… AND…
(Zoom out to show the total wreckage of the city as Plankton drops his weapons)
Plankton: What the fuck have I done…
(After a short silence, Plankton shoots himself; Zoom to Patrick Star strolling through town, totally unaware of all the carnage)
Patrick: Oh, boy! I can’t wait to have my annual 5 PM Krabby Patty! (Steps over a corpse) Oh, excuse me, ma’am.
(Patrick’s leg is grabbed by a man who half their body is missing)
Fish: Help… Help me… I am in so much pain…
Patrick: Sorry, sir. I don’t have any money. I left my wallet at home. (Shakes the fish off his leg) Freakazoid. 
(Patrick continues walking by corpses, burnt buildings, and injured citizens begging for death as he walks to the Krusty Krab doors)
Patrick: Ah! Here we are! The Krusty -
(Patrick walks right into the doors)
Patrick: Whuh? (Notices the closed sign, starts sweating) Krusty Krab… CLOSED?!???!?!!!??!?!
(Patrick screams really loud as we see a sudden cut of him destroying the city in the exact same way Plankton was)
Patrick: PATRICK NEED PATTY! (Blows up several buildings)
(The mix of explosions and gunfire are so loud the sea starts shaking everytime Patrick blows something up; the camera starts panning to Squidward’s house, where inside, we see Squidward sleeping, but his house begins rumbling; a bowling ball placed on a shelf above him begins rumbling too and moving slightly)
Squidward: (Sleep talking) Yes… Kill them all… Kill them all, Squidward… Make ‘em pay…
(The bowling ball keeps shaking and shaking and shaking, until it falls on Squidward’s head; Squidward’s skull cracks open, blood splatters on the wall, and Squidward just lays there dead. The camera focuses on Squidward’s corpse for 10 second before the screen starts shaking again, and it cuts to the Mermalair, where Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are watching the destruction of Bikini Bottom on their TV)
Barnacle Boy: Well, Mermaid Man?
Mermaid Man: Well, what?
Barnacle Boy: Should we go, you know… Stop all the carnage?
Mermaid Man: Carnage? You mean what’s going on Downtown?
(The Mermalair begins shaking)
Barnacle Boy: Yes, you old coot!
Mermaid Man: Nah. I like this carnage. It’s exciting to watch! And besides, I’m getting too old for this superhero shit. If we tried to stop THAT, we’d be deader than dead.
Barnacle Boy: (Short pause) Yeah, you’re right. Can you get popcorn?
Mermaid Man: Sure can, Barnacle Boy.
(Mermaid Man walks off to get some popcorn as Barnacle Boy continues to watch Bikini Bottom being blown up)
Barnacle Boy: Ha. That guy surely won’t be returning to his wife and children.
Mermaid Man: (Offscreen) Barnacle Boy, where did you put the popcorn?
Barnacle Boy: What do you mean where did I put the popcorn? Check the cupboard!
Mermaid Man: (Walks onscreen) I did, and it’s not there!
Barnacle Boy: I’m certain I put it in the cupboard!
Mermaid Man: Well, I guess you didn’t, ‘cus I can’t find it!
Barnacle Boy: Okay, fine, I’ll go find it for you.
Mermaid Man: Let’s pause this TV first.
Barnacle Boy: WAIT, THAT TV DOESN’T HAVE A PAUSE! DON’T PRESS-
(Mermaid Man presses a button on the TV and we see Shady Shoals exploding; watching it explode is Krabs, carrying groceries)
Krabs: Wow. So many explosions today. Oh well. Back to carrying these groceries!
(Another explosion is heard as Krabs drops his groceries)
Krabs: NOOOO! MY FUCKING GROCERIES! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT! I AM SO ANGRY!
(Krabs screams so hard he becomes a werewolf; a citizen walks by him and he mauls and eats him alive as he runs off into the distance; a title card for Bikini Bottom News suddenly appears on screen as we see Perch Perkins on the news desk)
Perch: This is Perch Perkins here, delivering to you the latest news. (The studio begins shaking) Terror strikes the town today as an atrocity of unspeakable proportions continues to go down… (Studio shakes again) as Bikini Bottom Bank is being held up in an armed robbery!
(Cut to Bikini Bottom Bank as shit continues to blow up; inside, three masked robbers are holding guns)
Robber 1: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU HAVE NO MONEY?
Clerk: Dude, we got robbed of all our money hours before you guys even came in here. 
Robber 1: Oh, seriously?
Clerk: Yeah.
Robber 2: Oh.
Robber 3: Damn.
(Awkward silence as the building begins shaking again)
Clerk: Look, tell you what, there's another bank right down the street full of money that you can rob. 
Robber 1: Oh, that'd be great. Thank you!
(All 3 robbers walk out chatting with eachother before a loud explosion is heard and they all scream in pain; cut back to Perch Perkins)
Perch Perkins: And that was today’s top story. Tune in tomorrow for our next community poll; should women have rights?
(The TV turns off and we see SpongeBob watching in a crappy apartment) 
SpongeBob: God, what losers. I’m so glad that I moved out of that shithole place. 
(The camera zooms into SpongeBob’s face)
SpongeBob: I’m glad I moved to… (Turns to the camera) NKC.
(Shocking music plays as lightning erupts outside; a knock is heard on his door, and in steps Rex)
Rex: SpongeBob, stop saying shocking and/or suspenseful things, that loud music keeps waking me up.
SpongeBob: Sorry, Rex.
Rex: I need my sleep or else my murderous thoughts take over and I have to kill at least ONE person. I’d better be going. So long.
(Rex slams the door; cut to Rex walking down the street, with smoke in the background)
Rex: Man, I’m bored. I can’t believe I got woken up so early.
(An explosion is heard in the background as more smoke is seen)
Rex: What the hell? What’s going on in Bikini Bottom over there? Is there another Krillanon riot??? I should go over there.
(Cut to Bikini Bottom; Rex runs downtown to see Patrick blowing shit up)
Rex: Oh, not a Krillanon riot, just domestic terrorism. That’s fine, then.
(Rex walks away; zoom to Patrick still gunning people down and blowing things up, when his ammo runs out)
Patrick: DAMNIT. FUCK. I’M OUT OF AMMO. 
(Suddenly, a swarm of cops zoom in, start rapidly firing at Patrick, before zooming away; camera zooms in on Patrick full of bullet holes, dead on the floor bleeding; cut to Mr. Krabs returning home with groceries)
Krabs: Pearl! I’m home! (No response) Pearl? Are you home? (Still no response) Pearl? (After a while he just shrugs, drops the bags on the floor, and turns on the TV) Time for some TV! 
(Krabs slouches in his chair as he begins watching television. Eventually, an alarm is heard blaring in the other room)
Krabs: What the hell is that stupid alarm? I can’t hear my TV!
(Krabs turns up the TV to drown out the alarm; eventually smoke seeps into the room, and the camera cuts to show Krabs’ kitchen on fire, but Krabs still doesn’t notice; eventually, all smoke alarms in the house begins blaring, drowning out Krabs’ TV)
Krabs: God fuckin’ damnit! Now I REALLY can’t hear my TV!
(Krabs continues turning up the TV, again drowning the alarms out; as Krabs is laughing at the TV, it cuts outside to his house exploding, with Pearl watching, holding a can of gasoline)
Pearl: Next time maybe you’ll give me some money for the mall, you cheap red (long dolphin chirp).
(Pearl walks away as we see a huge fire where Krabs’ house use to sit; then it cuts to Krabs walking into his house)
Krabs: Woo! What a day. I think I’m gonna go to bed.
(Krabs walks upstairs, turning the living room lights off, leaving the TV on; zoom into the TV screen, which is showing a Kelpy G concert, with a whole crowd of people cheering; he is playing a solo on his clarinet, and eventually he stops and takes a bow, with the crowd erupting in cheer)
Kelpy G: Thank you, thank you! I got to take a 5 minute break! You’re all lovely! 
(Kelpy waves to the cheering fans as he walks to the curtains without looking, stubbing his foot on a stage light)
Kelpy G: OW, MOTHERFUCKING [long dolphin chirp]!
(Kelpy G looks up in shock when he realizes what he just said, then he glances at the crowd, who have equally shocked faces)
Kelpy G: (Short pause) Uh… On second thought, show’s over.
(Kelpy runs backstage as the audience starts booing; a Bikini Bottom News card flashes onscreen as we once again see Perch Perkins)
Perch Perkins: Local musician Kelpy G has been under some heavy fire recently after an incident earlier today at Bikini Bottom Concert Hall, where Kelpy was reported saying, and I’m just reading off my cue cards here… [long dolphin chirp]. It’s no wonder something like THIS is garnering controversy, however, as 99% of our generation is a bunch of TRIGGERED LITTLE FUCKIN’ CRYBABIES WHO GET OFFENDED AT EVERYTHING. (Looks at and listens to someone talking offscreen) Yes, I’m aware that wasn’t in my script.
(The screen fills with static, then cuts to Nostalgia Critic)
Critic: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! And they gave him a BAT CREDIT CARD?!?!?!?!? A BAT CREDIT CARD!??!??!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! (Screams so loud it causes an explosion so big that his entire house blows up)
(Fade to Bubble Bass walking across town with his broken computer)
Bass: Where exactly is this stupid computer repairman, anyways? I’ve been wandering for about 6 minutes now, and I can’t find the shop. (Looks around and finally sees the repair shop) A-ha! I finally found it!
(Cut to Bubble Bass trying to walk into the shop but he bumps into the doors)
Bass: What the hell? Why won’t this damn door open?
(Bubble Bass begins knocking on the door hard, before looking into the window)
Bass: Hello? Is anyone in there?! Hello?! 
(The camera pans to the left as Bubble Bass continues knocking on the door to no avail; we see a sign that says “Closed”, but Bass never sees it, so he continues knocking on the door as the camera pans out. Eventually, Bass just fucking explodes, and the episode ends)
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