Episode 522: Buddy Rich/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 522: Buddy Rich.
==Cold open==
 	Pops dances. Buddy enters.
Pops 	Oh, I love to boogie. Boogie-woo- Hey. Hey, who are you?
Buddy	I'm Buddy Rich, world famous drummer.
Pops 	We already got one. Ever hear of a drummer called Animal?
Buddy	Are you kidding? All drummers are animals. Now, where's my dressing room?
Pops 	It's up the stairs. They're getting it ready for ya.
 	
 	The lights dim and flicker.
Buddy	What was that? Somebody's testing my chair?
Pops 	(chuckles) No, no, no. We — we're having power trouble. Nothin' to worry about.
Buddy	Good. I just won't sit down.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Buddy Rich! Yaaayy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show where our special guest tonight is the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, to get things rolling... eh? (the lights go dim) Uh, Scooter?
 	
Scooter 	Yeah, boss?
Kermit 	What happened to the lights?
Scooter 	(looks up) They went out. (exits)
 	Kermit sighs. The lights come back up again.
Kermit 	Oh, good. Okay, to kick things off on The Muppet Show, here's a little sunshine.
 	
 	In the opening number, "Good Day Sunshine", Fozzie plays a farmer, and Lew Zealand, Annie Sue, Floyd, Janice, Gonzo and Scooter are the flower backup singers.
Fozzie 	All right, all you flowers! Gather 'round, you cute things, and sing! Ready, go!
 	The Muppets take the center stage and sing another chorus. The lights go out suddenly. Kermit enters with a flashlight.
Fozzie 	What happened to the lights?
Kermit 	Uh, it's nothing- nothing serious, folks. Uh, folks we — we just blew a fuse. (bumps into Gonzo) Uh, I'm sorry, Fozzie.
 	
Gonzo 	I'm not Fozzie!
Kermit 	Oh, uh, Gonzo. Yes, I'm sorry about that. Listen, Scooter, would you go get us some flashlights?
Scooter 	Oh, okay, boss.
Kermit 	Okay, now listen. Everybody sing!
Fozzie 	(stuttering) Kermit, how can we sing "Good Day Sunshine" when it's dark?
Kermit 	Uh, well, think of something. I've gotta go help Beauregard with the fuse box.
Floyd 	Good luck!
Gonzo 	Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn.
 	Scooter and Beaker arrive with some flashlights.
Scooter 	Well, here are the flashlights.
Fozzie 	Heh. Somebody play something.
 	Upbeat jazz music begins playing.
Fozzie 	Could you give me a flashlight? Thank you. How do you work this? Oh yeah.
 	Fozzie leads them in singing "Dancing in the Dark".
Janice 	Ooh, will you watch it?
Fozzie 	Sorry. (continues singing)
Lew Zealand	Hey, let go! That's MY fish!
Fozzie 	Oh! I'm sorry, Lew. Sorry, fish.
 	They finish singing. Applause. Statler and Waldorf wear mining hardhats.
 	
Statler 	You think this is better than their usual show?
Waldorf 	Of course not. Can't hold a candle to it.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Beauregard stands on a ladder as Kermit watches.
Kermit 	Uh, Beauregard, did you find that fuse?
Beauregard	I can't see anything. There's all these wires in the way.
Kermit 	Well, hurry up. The audience is getting restless.
Beauregard	Oh, we don't want them to go nighty-night. I'll just take out some of these wires. And, like...
 	
 	He gets an electric shock and falls off the ladder.
Kermit 	Are you okay?
Beauregard	I think the fuse box bit me. Kermit — *sniff* — I don't want to play with fuses anymore, okay?
Kermit 	Uh, okay, Beauregard. Uh, why don't you just go get some candles? Okay?
Beauregard	Okay.
Scooter 	Good news, chief.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Scooter 	It wasn't Miss Piggy's hot plate after all.
Kermit 	Oh? Her hair dryer then?
Miss Piggy	(sarcastic laugh) No. It was that creep Gonzo. He was trying to air condition his closet.
Gonzo 	(whoosh!) Nothing but the best for my mildew collection. Heh-ha.
Miss Piggy	You're disgusting.
Kermit 	Uh, would you guys knock it off back there? We've got a show to do. Now what can I send out there on a dark stage?
Gonzo 	Why don't you introduce the Black Cat Acrobats of Kankakee?
Kermit 	Uh, but they're not here.
Gonzo 	Nobody will ever notice. (laughs)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Um, it's too dark in here to read the news by. Can we have a bigger candle, please?
 	
 	Crazy Harry provides more light with a lit stick of dynamite.
Newsman	Than you very much. That's much better. (reads) With the discovery of gold, local residents are expecting a boom—
 	BOOM! goes the dynamite.
==Dressing room==
 	It's still dark. Kermit knocks and enters.
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me Buddy. Can I see you?
Buddy 	Kermit, that's the dumbest thing anyone's said tonight.
Kermit 	Uh, listen. I just wanted to tell you, we'll have the lights back on soon.
Buddy 	Don't worry about me. I've got eyes like a cat.
 	He knocks over the hatrack.
Buddy 	A really clumsy cat.
 	The lights come on.
 	
Both 	Ah!
 	The lights go off.
Both 	Awwww.
 	The lights come on again.
Both 	Ah!
Kermit 	Well, now that the crisis is over, when can you do your number?
Buddy 	Oh, anytime you want me to, Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh-huh. Do you need to talk to the band?
Buddy 	Who needs a band?
Kermit 	Oh. No band? Fantastic. Just you and a drum kit.
Buddy 	Who needs drums?
Kermit 	No drums?
Buddy 	No drums. You just go right into it —
 	He picks up his sticks and begins drumming the table, then moves around the room, banging rhythmically on various objects.
Kermit 	Hey, you know what? You should be doing this on stage.
Buddy 	To the stage!
Kermit 	To the stage!
 	
 	Buddy continues tapping on everything in his path on his way out the dressing room, down the stairs, and finally to the stage. Among those in his path include a ladder, a telephone, a chandelier, Dr. Bunsen's head and Beaker's helmet.
Buddy 	When I play a theatre, I play the theatre.
 	Buddy finally drums his way to the stage, but once he sits down at the drum set, the lights go off.
Buddy 	Darn!
Waldorf	Well, it's too dark to see this show.
Statler	I'll say.
Waldorf	And my hearing aid is busted, so I can't hear it.
Statler	Oh, you must be having a wonderful time! (laughs)
Waldorf	No, I'm having a wonderful time! (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	It's still dark backstage.
Scooter 	Hey, chief?
Kermit 	Yeah?
Scooter 	I rigged up an emergency work light.
Kermit 	Oh, good going, Scooter. How'd you do that?
Scooter 	Well, remember how Beauregard pulled all those wires out of the fuse box and got a big shock?
Kermit 	Yeah.
Scooter 	Well, I just put two and two together, and...
 	
 	Beauregard emerges with a lightbulb in his mouth.
Kermit 	Is he alright?
Scooter 	Oh, sure. I think he got a real charge out of it. (laughs)
Kermit 	Listen, I just don't want him to get run down or anything.
Scooter 	Aww! (laughs)
Kermit 	Are you okay, Beau?
Beauregard	(opens his mouth) I'm fine.
 	The lightbulb falls out of his mouth. Scooter facepalms.
Beauregard	Did I do something wrong?
==Dressing room==
 	Buddy lights some candles all around the dressing room.
Buddy 	Why do I have this urge to sing "Happy Birthday"?
 	A knock on the door.
Buddy 	Come in.
 	Beauregard enters, panting.
Buddy 	Hey, Beau. How ya doing?
Beauregard	Oh, just terrible.
Buddy 	Aww.
Beauregard	The electric stuff won't go through the wires — and everybody's blaming me.
Buddy 	Oh, you're the one that's caused this mess.
Beauregard	You see what I mean? Everybody's out to get me. Could I use your window?
Buddy 	Well, I know it's bad, Beau, but don't jump.
Beauregard	Jump? I was just going to take a nap on the fire escape. That is, unless you know any inspirational songs.
Buddy 	Inspirational songs? Have I got the song for you.
 	Music swells up.
 	
Buddy 	When you think you've hit the bottom …
Beauregard	Yeah?
Buddy 	And you're feeling really low …
Beauregard	Uh-huh.
Buddy 	
You mustn't feel discouraged -- 
There's always one step further down you can go.
Beauregard	Golly, I'm starting to get inspired.
Buddy 	When you're lying in the gutter...
Beauregard	Yeah — Feeling just a bit unsure…
Buddy 	
Just wait until tomorrow -- 
You may be lying flat faced down in a sewer.
Beauregard	Golly, think of all those sewers!
Buddy 	Don't be afraid of a little rumble.
Beauregard	No!
Buddy 	What's that, for goodness sake?
Beauregard	It's nothing!
Buddy 	Just remember, one little rumble started the 'Frisco Quake.
Beauregard	What?
Buddy 	Take it, Beau!
Beauregard	
When I'm living on a park bench,
Eating grass 'cause I've no dough...
Buddy 	
Your luck will change mañana -- 
You may be six feet under, helping it grow. 
So just remember, when you're lower than low, 
There's always one step further down …
Beauregard	Oh yeah! There's always one step further down …
Both 	There's always one step further down … you can go!
 	Applause. They shake hands.
Beauregard	Wow, thanks Mr. Rich. I feel a lot worse. (exits)
Buddy 	I like to help.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy, holding a flashlight, makes her way through a dark operating room.
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy 	Where are you guys?
Rowlf 	We're over here.
Miss Piggy 	Oh. Oh. Ahem.
Janice 	Oh, Dr. Bob, it's so dark, you can't see your hand in front of your face.
Rowlf 	That's okay, I remember what it looks like. It's brown and has these five pointy things sticking out.
Miss Piggy 	Ew. Dr. Bob, cancel the operation, it's too dangerous. Nobody can see anything.
Rowlf 	Well, if that includes the audience, it'll be the safest bit we've ever done. (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	(groans)
Rowlf 	Just a second.
 	He ducks under the table, then re-emerges wearing a mining helmet and a pick.
Rowlf 	Ah-ha!
Miss Piggy 	That's a miner's lamp.
Rowlf 	Yes. And, a pick. Heh-ha. Now, where's the patient?
Miss Piggy 	You can't use a pick on the patient.
Rowlf 	I can on the patient's pockets. (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	(groans)
Rowlf 	Now, where is he?
Janice 	Right here, Dr. Bob. He was trying to fix the power line and got a severe shock.
Rowlf 	Oh.
Miss Piggy 	When he sees who his doctor is, he'll get another one. (she and Janice groan)
Janice 	No, not that kind of shock. He's had ten thousand volts.
 	
Rowlf 	Gee, that should be enough to get him elected. (laughs) What was he running for?
Miss Piggy 	The hills if he had any sense.
Janice 	(groans) Not votes, volts.
Rowlf 	Oh, in that case, run some volts through him again.
Janice 	Again?
Rowlf 	Yes, it's called revolting.
Piggy & Janice	(in unison) It certainly is.
Announcer 	And, so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf 	Listen, if it's still dark when the patient comes to, give him this.
Miss Piggy 	That's a ballpoint pen with a little light.
Rowlf 	Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy 	What good is that?
Rowlf 	He can see to sign the check.
 	They all laugh. Fade to black.
==UK spot==
	
	A group of British Whatnots sing "A Transport of Delight" while riding a double-decker bus.
==Backstage==
 	It's still dark backstage.
Kermit 	Uh, listen Bunsen. For once, your goofy inventions had better do some good, because we've got to get the lights going around here.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Uh, not to worry, Mr. Kermit. I will easily power all of the lights with this portable generator.
Kermit 	Yeah? This is portable?
 	They walk over to the device, which is three times as big as the two of them combined.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, it's a miracle of micro electronics.
Kermit 	Yeah, well what's it run on? Uh, batteries? Gasoline?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	No indeedy-doody. This is the age of Beaker power.
 	Beaker peeks from inside the machine, meeping.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Soon, electricity will be coursing through the entire theatre. Alright Beakie, start running.
 	
 	Beaker starts running, powering the generator like a hamster wheel.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	I'll just make a few minor adjustments.
Kermit 	Yeah?
 	The generator goes faster. Beaker's eyes light up.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	The connections may not be quite right yet.
 	Beaker continues running, his eyes still flickering.
==Dressing room==
 	Buddy sets up some karate planks, as the lights come back on.
Buddy 	Oh, that's better.
 	A knock on the door.
Buddy 	Come in.
Miss Piggy	Oh, excusez-moi, Buddy dear.
Buddy 	Hi, Miss Piggy. Come on in.
Miss Piggy	I — I just had to come in and tell you that I think you're a truly great drummer.
Buddy 	Why, thank you, Miss Piggy. I think you're a very large singer.
 	
Miss Piggy	I beg your pardon?
Buddy 	Oh, nothing. I'm really glad you came by.
Miss Piggy	Oh?
Buddy 	I have a question for you.
Miss Piggy	Oh, yes. Ahem.
Buddy 	Well, you know I'm kind of interested in karate—
Miss Piggy	Oh, Buddy dear, say no more. Of course I shall give you some pointers. Uh, I am a … pink belt. Ahem.
Buddy 	Really?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. Oh now, Buddy dear. First of all, you should put away those silly-nilly boards. Beginners can only hurt themselves on that sort of thing. (he nods) Buddy, karate is a peaceful activity. A beginner need not dwell on the violence and aggression. First you must learn to be at peace with—
 	She screams in shock as Buddy suddenly chops a plank in half with his elbow.
Miss Piggy	Holy guacamole!
Buddy 	Black belt.
Miss Piggy	Gotcha.
 	The lights go out.
Buddy 	And speaking of black…
Miss Piggy	Oh, no. I cannot stand it. Not again. I am a star. I will not put up with this stumbling around blind.
Buddy 	It's too bad lard doesn't glow in the dark.
Miss Piggy	Pardon?
Buddy 	I said, it's too bad lard doesn't—
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him. The lights come back on.
Buddy 	Say, where'd you learn to aim so good without lights?
Miss Piggy	Oh, just a … chop in the dark.
 	Buddy grins.
==Backstage==
 	It's no longer dark backstage.
Kermit 	Okay, good old Bunsen and Beaker. That generator has just saved the day, alright. Let's see, uh, (through the intercom) Swedish Chef on stage next, Swedish Chef, please.
 	The Chef wears dark sunglasses.
Swedish Chef 	(mock Swedish)
 	
Kermit 	Yeah, well, thanks Chef. I'm very pleased, too.
 	The lights go out. The Chef bumps into the wall.
Kermit 	Hey. Hey, listen, guys. What's the matter?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, I'm afraid poor little Beaker is getting tired.
Beaker 	Whew!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	We'll have to throw the overdrive lever.
Kermit 	Well, what does the overdrive lever do?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	It puts an angry tiger in the wheel with him.
 	Bunsen throws the overdrive lever. Beaker runs away from the tiger as the lights come back on.
 	
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, with a colander full of vegetables.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the colander.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de yëemy-yümmi søüfflé. (displays it) Mmmmmm. De pëefÿ-pøüffy søüfflé.
 	The soufflé starts floating around.
 	
Swedish Chef	Søüfflé? Cøme, cøme. Cøme båck hëre. Hëre — hëre. Søüfflé! Cøme båck … (mock Swedish)
 	He aims a bow and arrow at it.
Swedish Chef	Søüfflé, cøme!
 	He shoots it. It lands on the table, flat as a pancake. The Chef removes the arrow and tosses the flat soufflé away.
Swedish Chef	De frïsbëe-søüfflé. (nods, shrugs)
==Backstage==
 	As Buddy talks to Kermit, Bunsen checks the generator and walks away.
Buddy 	Say, Kermit. I understand for the show's finale you want me to do some kind of a drum battle.
Kermit	Oh yeah. I just love drum battles.
Buddy 	Okay. Who do I battle? The other guy. You know, the one that loses.
Kermit	Ha ha. Uh, Animal.
Buddy 	Animal? That's really his name?
Kermit	Mmm.
 	Floyd enters, with Animal on a chain, growling.
Floyd 	Easy, Animal.
Buddy 	He looks like a sore loser. (Kermit chuckles)
 	
Floyd 	Heh. If this chain breaks, you'll be a sore winner.
Kermit	Uh, listen, uh, I'll just go ahead and introduce you. Floyd, get Animal ready.
Floyd 	Animal. You ready?
Animal	(glances at Buddy) Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Buddy 	Yeah. He's ready. (goes onstage)
Animal	Drum battle! Drum battle! (Floyd restrains him)
==Drum battle==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay, uh. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, the drum battle of the century! Yes. In one corner, our own ever-popular Animal...
Animal	(babbles)
Kermit	Uh, and in the other corner, The Muppet Show’s own fearless guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
 	
 	Buddy plays along to an instrumental of "It Don't Mean a Thing", followed by a long drum battle with Animal. At the climax, Animal throws a snare drum onto Buddy's head.
Buddy 	Darn it! There go the lights again!
 	Animal finishes up. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies...
Buddy 	(off-screen) Hey, Kermit. Wait'll I get this thing off. Okay?
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
 	Buddy emerges, holding the drum Animal threw at him. Applause.
Kermit 	Uh, listen, I — I'm sorry about the battle of the drums, Buddy.
 	
Buddy 	Well, that's alright. Kermit. I'm just glad it wasn't the battle of the pianos. That little devil would have killed me. (tosses the drum)
Kermit 	Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around Buddy and compliment him as the credits roll.
Waldorf	Where were you when the lights went out?
Statler	In the dark. Where else, you old fool?
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts