A Court for the Port

A Court for the Port is the seventh episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the seventh episode of season one. In this episode, as the Pacific Ocean Racing Team (PORT) travel to Bikini Bottom, Patrick wants to be a volunteer for the pit stop. When the team is racing and makes a pit stop, Patrick accidentally mixes up engine oil with nitrous and places it in the engine valves. The car engine explodes, forcing one of the team members to go to the Bikini Bottom Hospital. Patrick is forced to face serious jail time, yet SpongeBob will not let this slide easily and makes a court date. But who is guilty? Who is the culprit? This episode is paired with Castles and Dungeons.
==Characters==
*SpongeBob SquarePants
*Patrick Star
*Gary the Snail (cameos)
*Sheldon J. Plankton
*Appraisal Employee (debut and cameos)
*Announcer (debut; considerable speaking parts)
*Pacific Ocean Racing Team members (debut)
*Charles Cod/P.O.R.T. Driver 1 (debut)
*The League of Angelfish and Mackeral Entente members (debut)
*Benjamin Blowfish (debut)
*Judge Halibut (debut)
*Employee 1 (debut and cameo)
*Employee 2 (debut and cameo)
*Jury members (debut; few speaking parts)
*Court Attendees (background and some minor fish; gasping parts)
*Police Officer (debut; considerable speaking parts)
==Transcript==
*[episode starts with SpongeBob, driving down a road in a race track]
*SpongeBob: Let's burn some rubber. [turns the car to the left] Almost there. [jams down gas pedal, causing car to zoom up a ramp] Let's do this thing! [car leaps off ledge] Time to end this! Car or no car! [leaps from car and heaps toward finish line; eyes closed]
*[scene pauses]
*SpongeBob: [narrating] How did I get such a heap of trouble here? Why am I leaping from a ramp toward a finish line that I might slam into? Well, let's find out.
*[scene bubbles to Patrick's house, where Patrick is sitting outside, sleeping]
*Patrick: [snoring] I wonder if my mom will let me back in the house to visit. [snores again] No mother! Don't slam the door in my nose again! No! No! [wakes up] No!
*SpongeBob: Patrick, calm down. It was just a nightmare.
*Patrick: Why do these nightmares keep happening to me? [shivers of fear] Their always so...nightmarish.
*SpongeBob: Maybe because you always want me to feed you these soft marshmallows that always upset your stomach. [holds up bag of "Marsh King"]
*Patrick: They don't always upset my stomach.
*[ground begins to shake]
*SpongeBob: [blocks nose] See, Patrick. These marshmallows do upset your stomach.
*Patrick: That's not me. Well, at least not yet. [points] Maybe it's those guys down there.
*[camera reveals a drag-racing team racing down the streets]
*SpongeBob: Uh...don't you think we should hit the dirt?
*Patrick: Okay. [begins pounding dirt with hands] Like this, SpongeBob?
*SpongeBob: That's not exactly what I...[smoke passes in front of SpongeBob and Patrick]
*[scene clears smoke, revealing a coughing SpongeBob and Patrick]
*Patrick: [looks closer at racing car] It looks like...P...O...R...T. What does that mean, SpongeBob?
*SpongeBob: Let me take a look at it. [takes out binoculars] Whoa! It is the P.O.R.T! Do you know who that is, Patrick?
*Patrick: Not really.
*SpongeBob: They are the best racing team in all of the seven seas. They're faster than The Quickster, [holds up poster of "Quickster"] They kick up more smoke than a volcano, [holds up picture of volcano] and they disappear faster before your eyes than the speed of light. [holds up blank picture]
*Patrick: There's nothing on there.
*SpongeBob: I tried to take a picture of both the P.O.R.T. and the speed of light. Unfortunately, I couldn't catch up with either one of them.
*Patrick: Well, if they're in town, why don't we go watch them in action.
*SpongeBob: Oh, but Patrick, the P.O.R.T. is the best racing team to ever hit the Pacific Ocean. Tickets are going to cost a fortune. [holds up hands in question] Where are we going to get such cash on such short notice?
*[camera cuts to P.O.R.T., driving into the racing entrance; camera cuts to an appraisal shop]
*Appraisal Employee: [on phone] Yeah, I got the money. That diamond really reeled in a lot of cash. Imagine what we can do with this money. [mumbling on other line] Don't worry. The money is safe with me.
*[The P.O.R.T. drives by the appraisal shop, pushing the money into the air]
*Appraisal Employee: I'll...uh...have to call you back. [hangs up phone]
*[camera pans with floating money, suddenly landing in SpongeBob's hands]
*SpongeBob: Well that was convenient. Patrick, let's go see us a race.
*[SpongeBob and Patrick run cheering toward the stadium]
*[camera cuts to stadium with SpongeBob and Patrick with concessions, popcorn, drinks, etc., cheering]
*Announcer: Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Racing Tournament of the Year! We are proud to announce that we have the best racers in the entire ocean, the Pacific Ocean Racing Team!
*Patrick: The Pacific Ocean Racing Team? I thought we were here for the P.O.R.T..
*Announcer: And the competitors: The League of Angelfish and Mackeral Entente. [receives message from reporter fish] Oh, I didn't see that. It appears that the competitors team spells L.A.M.E.. I think we all know who will be winning today.
*Patrick: I think we all do. Well I guess the P.O.R.T. had a good run. I just wish they had showed up.
*Announcer: Now...let's start...the race!
*[racing band begins to play "Marching Fanfare" as the racers begin to get to their starting positions]
*Announcer: [to reporter fish] I did not know. [into microphone] It appears that one of the pit stop workers have just injured their tooth and must have a dentist appointment. We need someone to...fill-in...for him. [begins to laugh]
*Patrick: I don't get it.
*SpongeBob: You should go down to the pit stop, Patrick. After you fixed my electronic can opener, I was able to open cans again, but five percent faster.
*Patrick: But I don't that was a can opener. I thought it was a...
*SpongeBob: My point is that you are a natural-born engineer. You can do this, buddy. And to think that you're not just any pit-stop employee, you're going to be a pit-stop employee for the best racing team in the ocean.
*Patrick: I don't think I want to be a pit-stop employee for a team named L.A.M.E..
*SpongeBob: [holds head]
*[scene cuts to pit-stop where Patrick is sitting down]
*Patrick: [arm resting on leg with head on hand] How many laps do they have to drive until we fix up their car dillies?
*Employee 1: We fixed their car ten laps ago while you were asleep. Now we have to wait about an hour and a half until we do another operation. Try to stay awake next time.
*[scene cuts to SpongeBob, holding Gary and cheering]
*Gary: Meow meow meow.
*SpongeBob: Now is not the time to complain about how I had to fuss at the entrance guard to let you in. Now is the time to cheer on daddy's favorite team.
*Gary: Meow meow?
*SpongeBob: No, Gary. Not the L.A.M.E. team. I mean the P.O.R.T..
*Gary: Meow meow.
*SpongeBob: They're not behind. They're ahead by one lap. Now watch the game. I think Patrick's about to make his first operation on a car.
*[scene cuts to Patrick, snoring with a gray beard on]
*Employee 2: Wake up, Patrick. It's time for you to make a pit-stop.
*Patrick: [wakes up] What's that? I thought I was supposed to be making a pit-stop.
*[car pulls up]
*Patrick: I know what I must do. [gets up from chair] Well, maybe. [opens the hood of car] Looks fine to me. I'm finished.
*P.O.R.T. Driver 1: Are you kidding me, kid? I'm all out of gas. Do you have rocks for brains?
*Patrick: Well, my father always told me I was hard-headed. [reaches down into hood] Now let's see the problem. [pulls hand out of tank] It seems like you're all out of that...brown fluid...you need to make your box run around the track.
*P.O.R.T. Driver 1: It's called gas, and I need some to run around the track. Now let's go!
*Patrick: Okay, okay. [grabs bottle from behind without knowing it was nitrous] You know, you remind me of someone from my favorite racing team.
*P.O.R.T. Driver 1: Thanks, kid.
*Patrick: Not you. Benjamin Blowfish from the L.A.M.E. racing team. [closes hood] You're all set.
*P.O.R.T. Driver 1: Thank you, you little...[drives back onto the racing track]
*Announcer: And now Charles Cod has just made it back onto the racing track. The P.O.R.T. need only one more lap before finishing their championship race and winning the Finals!
*Charles Cod: Almost there. [speeds up and passes past the finish line]
*Announcer: And the P.O.R.T. racing team has now won the Finals of the championship! [sniffs] Does anyone smell something burning. Look out folks! Charles Cod's hood has just caught fire.
*Charles Cod: What? [leaps out of car onto Patrick]
*Patrick: [grunts] Hey there again.
*[car explodes and catches fire; more racers begin to hop out of their cars and their cars pile up in a large crash]
*Announcer: It seems like all of the members are injured. [to reporter] Call an ambulance. And then another one. This is going to be a long day.
*SpongeBob: At least the P.O.R.T. still won the game.
*Announcer: Yet, the P.O.R.T. still won the game. Yet in the giant car pile-up, the trophy got destroyed.
*[scene cuts to the racing members being taken away on gurneys and the police surrounding the stadium]
*Charles Cod: [to one police officer] This is an outrage! That pink blob over there ruined the entire race! It's all his fault!
*[scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick]
*Patrick: [to SpongeBob] I sense that somehow this is all my fault.
*SpongeBob: No way, Patrick. That guy down there is just overreacting. It's not like he's going to press charges against us or anything.
*[Patrick and SpongeBob begin to laugh]
*[scene cuts to Patrick's house, where someone rings on the doorbell]
*Patrick: What was that? Is that the school bell? Yay! School's out! [runs into door, yet falls down with door] Dismissal...is...painful.
*Police Fish: Are you Patrick Star?
*Patrick: I don't know. Am I?
*Police Fish: Close enough. [begins writing on pad] Here is a ticket from Charles Cod. He's suing you for half a million dollars plus an additional two hundred thousand for the trophy. [hands Patrick ticket]
*Patrick: Hmmm...[reads ticket] Well it looks like a "plus" is involved here, so that means that I get two hundred thousand dollars. I win!
*Police Fish: [sighs] No, you imbecile. It means that you pay up or you're going to jail. Your choice, pinky.
*[SpongeBob rushes out of house]
*SpongeBob: Is there a problem here with my friend, officer?
*Police Fish: He's being sued for seven hundred grand. It's either he pays up or the next bars he'll see will be in front of his face.
*SpongeBob: You're saying Patrick might go to jail? Hmmm...[takes out book and flips through pages; puts on glasses] Aha! Here on "Chapter 12, Page 115, Subsection 18, Clause 3" clearly states that "any citizen governed under the laws of Bikini Bottom are thereby issued to have a defender against any legal injustice that that citizen may run into or come in contact with. [takes off glasses and puts book away] Therefore, Mr. Star here has the right to have a defender by his side, for I am taking this to court.
*Police Fish: Where are you going to find a defender on such short notice?
*SpongeBob: Who said anything about short notice? [rips off clothes, revealing a suit and a briefcase] I'm ready to go to court.
*[scene cuts to Bikini Bottom Courtroom]
*Judge Halibut: Order, order. [slams down hammer on to gavel]
*[room gets silent]
*Judge Halibut: We are here today to solve a conflict between SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star against the P.O.R.T. racing team member, Charles Cod. Bring in the defendants.
*[SpongeBob and Patrick walk into the room to the podium]
*Judge Halibut: Now bring in the plaintiff.
*[Charles Cod walks into the room to podium]
*Judge Halibut: The court is now in session. I will listen to the defendants first. Tell us what happened, Mr. Star.
*Patrick: It all started one morning when I woke up. I decided I wanted to eat cereal, but I saw I had run out of cereal, so I decided to eat nachos instead.
*Judge Halibut: Not that far back, Mr. Star. How did this all start?
*Patrick: Well I don't what you want from me. You wanted to hear how it all started, and now you want to rush a perfectly good story time.
*SpongeBob: What my client here means is that it all started when we saw the P.O.R.T. racing down the street into the stadium entrance. We decided to get some seats, so we bought tickets and sat down.
*Patrick: We payed with our own money. I thought some money floated into your hands and we payed for the tickets with that.
*[court gasps]
*Judge Halibut: I think we've heard enough. Mr. Cod, please tell us your interpretation of what happened earlier yesterday evening.
*Charles Cod: Thank you, your honor. I was racing around the track when I saw that my fuel guage was running toward empty, so I stopped at the pit-stop. That is when I first met Mr. Star, and I asked him nicely to fill up my car.
*SpongeBob: Your honor, I object to that statement!
*Judge Halibut: Overruled, Mr. SquarePants! Proceed, Mr. Cod.
*Charles Cod: I could tell that Mr. Star was a newbie, so I kindly waited patiently for my gas tank to be filled. Yet, inadvertently, I looked away because the announcer was saying something. Without paying attention, I drove off back onto the track. After I passed the finish line, my car caught fire and exploded.
*Judge Halibut: Mr. Star, why exactly did the car explode?
*Patrick: Uh...
*Cod: I can tell you, your honor. I have photos from the inspection taken place during that day. [hands to officer] They are photos that prove that nitrous was placed into the engine instead of gasoline.
*Judge Halibut: Explain yourself, Mr. Star.
*SpongeBob: If I may intercept here, your honor. I have a tape that proves that Charles Cod was not in fact kind to my client here. [plays tape inside a computer]
*Monitor: [Charles Cod] It's called gas, and I need some to run the track. Now let's go! [fast forwards] Are you kidding me, kid? I'm all out of gas. Do you have rocks for brains? [shuts down]
*Judge Halibut: [shakes head] Shameful, Mr. Cod. Do explain your actions toward, Mr. Star, Mr. Cod.
*Cod: I...uh...it's just that...I just wanted to win a trophy is all!
*[court gasps]
*Judge Halibut: For shame, Mr. Cod. Yelling at any innocent starfish for the greediness of a trophy. And you have the nerve to sue him for seven hundred thousand dollars. He ought to be suing you for everything, yet he decided not to do anything to you. For shame.
*Cod: For shame?! He nearly killed me! Not to mention that he nearly eliminated the rest of my team as well! You should look him up behind bars before the rest of this court is next!
*Patrick: This is the exact reason why you are not my favorite team!
*Judge Halibut: Order in the court room! Jury, what is your final verdict?
*Male Fish 1: Your honor, we have found the defendant, Mr. Patrick Star...
*Voice: Wait, don't say it!
*[entire court room gasps]
*Judge Halibut: Who are you?
*Benjamin Blowfish: I am Benjamin Blowfish, head member of the L.A.M.E. racing team. And I was the car behind Mr. Cod's car, and I saw everything that happened. Therefore, with that being stated, neither the defendant nor the plaintiff is guilty.
*[flashback begins]
*Benjamin: [narrates] I just pulled up in time to see Mr. Cod yelling at the defendant here...
*Cod: Do you have rocks for brains?!
*Benjamin: Then, when Patrick reached back for the gasoline, something had caught my eye.
*[a figure walks up and switches the gasoline and nitrous bottles]
*Benjamin: It was the smallest creature I had ever seen. It was extremely small. But it switched the bottles. I thought it was part of the help crew, but when I saw Mr. Cod's car catch fire, I knew he was no help to anyone. Then, everyone panicked. The crowd was running crazily, but I saw the figure again in all of that commotion. He went up to a yellow square and took one of his snacks: a Krabby Patty!
*[back to reality]
*SpongeBob: What?! How exactly did this criminal look?
*Benjamin: He was small, gray, and had two antennas.
*SpongeBob: Plankton!
*[camera reveals Plankton running toward the exit of the courtroom with Krabby Patty]
*SpongeBob: Stop that thief! [tries to jump and catch Plankton but misses]
*Plankton: You can't catch me, Sponge-Brain!
*Judge Halibut: I got him! [throws hammer, causing it to act as a boomerang, hitting a clutch that lowers a cage onto Plankton; catches hammer]
*Plankton: Curses!
*SpongeBob: Explain yourself, Plankton! Why did you do it?!
*Plankton: Isn't it obvious?! I wanted the secret formula. I grabbed the Krabby Patty and tried to run. Yet in all of the commotion, I slipped into your shoe and got stuck there. The Krabby Patty fell back into your concessions box after that. I knew someone had saw me switch the bottles and take the patty, so when I heard someone describe me, I had to make a run for it. Unfortunately, I didn't make a run for it in time.
*Judge Halibut: Jury, what is your final verdict?
*Male Fish 1: We find the defendant, the plaintiff, and Plankton guilty.
*SpongeBob,  Plankton, Patrick, and Mr. Cod: What?!
*Judge Halibut: It's simple. Patrick and SpongeBob have admitted to stealing money to buy tickets, Mr. Cod is accused of false behavior, and Plankton...well, you know what you have done.
*SpongeBob: Oh come on, your officer. Is there anything we can do to make it up?
*Judge Halibut: Well, there is one thing.
*[scene cuts to racing stadium]
*Judge Halibut: [cheering] I love cheering for the best team in the ocean.
*SpongeBob: You mean the L.A.M.E. team?
*Judge Halibut: No, I mean the P.O.R.T.
*Patrick: The P.O.R.T? I thought we were here for the Pacific Ocean Racing Team?
*SpongeBob: [sighs]
*[scene cuts to SpongeBob, racing down the track again]
*SpongeBob: [narrating] So, why exactly am I racing? Well, Charles Cod went to jail, so someone had to fill in. And since Patrick refused to race for the P.O.R.T., well...let's just say...I just took matters into my own hands. [sticks the landing on the end of the ramp; freeze frame]
*[episode ends]
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