A Boss, a Bear Claw and a Defibrillator/Transcript

This is the transcript for A Boss, a Bear Claw and a Defibrillator, which aired on January 27, 2022.
==Transcript==
1 What'd you buy at the mall? Pimento cheese log.
Never disappoints.
Hi, guys.
Welcome to the Valley Hills party bus.
No music but lots of pills.
- How'd the appointment go? - Oh, uh What was it for? Was it kidneys? Ticker? What? Fibromyalgia? - What's that? - When you hurt all over.
- Oh, I have that.
- Oh, I got that.
It was for my heart arrhythmia.
All my tests came back normal.
I can go home now.
Nice.
- Congratulations.
- Good for you.
Thanks.
I'm really excited.
- Oh, we'll miss you.
- NORMA: Yeah.
You're the only man here who knows when he's farting.
- [HORN HONKS.]
- [GASPING.]
- Gabby! - What now? Sorry.
Hit the wrong pedal again.
GABBY: You wanted to see me? Yeah, come on in.
Close the door.
I'm all sticky.
- Got to take off my bra.
- No, wait.
No.
Okay, fine.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Before I say anything, remember: you are not talking to Gina your friend, you are talking to Gina your boss.
Does either Gina have candy in her desk? No.
[SIGHS.]
Listen, um There have been some complaints about your driving.
If this is about the kid on the bike, he was scared, but he was fine.
[SIGHS.]
You have forgotten to pick up residents.
You drive too fast.
You tried to do donuts in a church parking lot.
Correction: did do donuts.
And some of the residents said they never felt more alive.
They said they were lucky to be alive.
Gabby, I can't let you drive the van anymore.
What? No.
I love driving the van.
I'm sorry.
I don't have a choice.
Ow! [DOOR CLOSES.]
- The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live Your happiness is relative And if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive What up, G? [CHUCKLES.]
Hey, what are you doing? Well, I need to use your laundry.
A month on the road really shows up in the skivvies.
That's upsetting.
That's life.
Jerry! I heard the good news! DREW: Yeah, congratulations! You finally get to go home.
Can't wait.
Tomorrow night when I plop down on the couch, I won't have to worry about sitting on someone's teeth.
I am so happy for you.
Ugh, it never occurred to me that someone might leave here, you know, alive.
What're you gonna do first? I'll probably check in with my peeps, go to the city for dinner and reactivate the old Tinder account.
Uh-oh.
Watch out, ladies.
Watch out, everyone.
[CHUCKLES.]
Got to go pack some things.
Hey, so, uh, you want to grab lunch later? I can't.
I have to drive the van this afternoon.
- What happened to Gabby? - The residents were complaining, so I told her she can't drive the van anymore.
C-E-Oh, no, you didn't.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, but now I have to find a replacement.
I could do it.
- What? - Yeah.
I have van experience.
Plus, old people love me.
They think I'm one of them.
That's because you say things like "skivvies.
" You'd really be willing to help me out? It doesn't pay much.
Oh, come on.
You don't need to pay me.
You're letting me live in your parking lot.
It's the least I could do.
[SIGHS.]
Wow, thank you.
The residents will never again have to hear, [IMITATING GABBY.]
: "Hang on, I'm gonna try something.
" Oh.
On the right is the Outback Steakhouse where I had my fifth grade graduation dinner.
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.]
: Crikey, mate, you're off to middle school.
Good on you.
[LAUGHS.]
Outback? Australia? Anybody? It's nice having a man drive the van.
Women get too emotional, on account of their cycles.
Spend enough time with him, Drew has cycles, too.
Speaking as an actual old person, why are you driving like one? Safety first, second and third.
Nary a complaint shall be heard.
All right.
Here we are, Jerry, your condominium, or as they say in Africa, "your Congo-minium.
" [LAUGHS.]
Imagine driving with him through Intercourse, Pennsylvania.
[GIGGLING.]
Intercourse.
JERRY: Well I hate long goodbyes.
- Great, get out.
- We'll miss you.
Don't forget about us, kid.
Oh, don't worry, I won't.
Don't you forget about me.
- No.
- Not a chance.
Well bye.
Bye.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Sure gonna miss ol' what's-his-name.
[SCOFFS.]
These sign-out sheets are a mess.
Do you even look at what people write? No.
Why? Well, for starters, there's no one here named Soupy Sales.
Not anymore.
He signed out.
I'll take those, driver.
Ah, it's Drew.
Stay in your lane.
Would you two ladies help me pick out one of these dresses for a special occasion? Ooh, big date with Spencer? It's my great-grandson's baptism.
I want to look doable.
Sure.
What are you doing? You have to stay here.
If Drew can drive the van, he can watch the desk.
You know, I was a hall monitor for four years in my high school.
They actually asked me back first year of college.
Not the brag you think it is.
But fine, come on.
Um, you're taking your meds, right? - [SIGHS.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
It's a beautiful day at Valley Hills, how may I help you? All right, I'll transfer you.
Hello? Oh, you're still there.
Um Just one moment.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, what are you doing here? Oh, you know, just helping out, manning the front desk, driving the van.
A Drew-of-all-trades, if you will.
You want to help Mr.
Lambert change his colostomy bag? Well, not "of all trades.
" Seniors treating you well? They're great.
I'm learning a ton.
Did you know that in the 1950s you could get a banana split and a shoeshine for a quarter? Oh, yeah, they love telling the gay, Black man how great life was in the '50s.
Hey, we're all getting together at the Mexican place across the street for happy hour after work.
You want to come? Yeah, I am so in.
Uh, I do have a question.
Do you share chips and guac? I just feel that's a bit unsanitary.
You know what? I'll do it.
I'll do it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
[PHONE RINGING.]
It's a beautiful day at Valley Hills, how may I help you? Oh, you got disconnected? I don't know how that happened.
Um, one moment, please.
Woah, that shot was, like, from half-court.
- [CHEERING ON TV.]
- [PHONE RINGING.]
Hey, kid.
Are you watching this game? Yeah, that shot was crazy.
I wanted to see it on replay, but instead I'm looking at Ryan Seacrest eating cotton candy and winking at the camera.
He does work hard, though.
So, how are things at Valley Hills? We had soup for lunch.
Ooh, what kind? Hot.
I'm trying to watch the game.
Uh, me, too.
I'll-I'll call you back if it goes into overtime.
I can't wait.
Ditto.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CROWD CHATTER.]
Hey.
You watching the game? Yeah.
- Morning.
- [GASPS.]
Good morning! I got my favorite boss her favorite drink A nonfat, bone-dry cappuccino.
Ooh, thank you.
I also got her an assortment of pastries, including un croissant.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
: Or perhaps a cranberry scone, guv'nah.
I forgot, you are a lot in the morning.
Actually, I'm a bit tired.
Tough to rouse the old bag of bones after getting hit by the passion fruit margarita bus.
Oh, you went out last night? With who? The work crew.
That Bert guy is hilarious.
You ever see him blow bubbles out of his nose? So, you guys all went out for drinks? Yeah.
I got so tipsy, I almost forgot to floss.
How come no one invited me? Don't be upset, it's just a regular Thursday thing.
There's a regular Thursday thing? Oh, um Well, they probably just figured you were busy, being the boss and all.
I am, but I still want to hang.
I'm sure it was just an oversight.
Every Thursday night? Uh-oh.
Somebody needs a bear claw.
[ROARS.]
So, what do you think? Does it fit? The only one left was a ladies' medium.
It's a little roomy.
You could probably get away with a ladies' small.
- What's up, boss? - Hey.
Hi.
Gideon, your rounds should have started five minutes ago.
Oh, I was just having my coffee first.
Great, if someone dies because they didn't get their meds, we'll list the cause of death as: "I was just having my coffee first.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Torched.
And you need to refill the hand sanitizer stations, unless you're too hungover from happy hour.
How does she know about happy hour? Yeah, that's weird.
I may have said something.
I definitely said something.
Why would you do that? - I thought she was invited.
- It's an employee hang.
You can't vent about the boss to the boss.
That's like confiding in your boyfriend about the guy you hooked up with.
You're the one who wanted an open relationship, Keith.
Uh, come on, this is Gina.
She's your boss, but she's also your friend.
If we did invite her, I bet she'd pick up the check.
We don't really take advantage of her being rich.
'Cause we're good people.
Well, that stops right now.
Hey, guys! Oh, there she is.
Thank you so much for inviting me.
Don't be silly.
We just want to hang with you.
Yeah, but we can't stay late.
Everybody here is kind of on a budget.
Not tonight you're not.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
Gideon, why don't you get us a couple orders of shrimp fajitas.
[SCATTERED CHEERS.]
Hell yes! [CHUCKLES.]
Um, but seriously, I can't have shellfish.
Diarrhea, I remember.
Um, so [CLEARS THROAT.]
what're you guys talking about? Just getting to know the new guy.
Heard you're living in the parking lot.
Oh, just until I figure out my next move.
FYI, you ever need to shower, the sprinklers come on every night at 2:00 a.
m.
GINA: Gabby, I really want tonight to be like old times.
Me, too.
Remember how we'd get hammered and dance on the bar? Uh, only reason I wore underwear.
- Mmm! Yikes.
That is salty.
- [CHUCKLES.]
: Yeah.
Oh, you want salty, you should hear Althea talk about her ex-husband.
[CHUCKLES.]
He slept with my sister.
I'm glad it's funny to you.
Um, Bert, uh, this reminds me, I think we should cut back on the sodium in the residents' meals.
You got it.
That's salt, right? Hey, while I have you all, let's make a mental note to check the smoke alarms next week.
It's battery changing season.
What-what! Gina, we don't usually talk work here.
Oh, right.
Right, right.
Sorry.
Yeah, um, we're off the clock.
Hey, what are you doing this weekend? Oh, I'm actually taking Monday off.
I'm going on a hiking trip with some friends.
Oh, that sounds great.
Just remember to put in your time card tomorrow 'cause they're due on Friday now.
Gabby, you sent that email to everyone, right? I could check, but I sent it from my work computer, and we're not at work.
Starting to feel like it.
So sorry.
So, so, so sorry.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
No more work talk.
[SIGHS.]
[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY.]
This isn't completely work-related, but I was thinking about taking an ad out for Valley Hills in the AARP Magazine.
That's the American Association of Retired People.
What-what.
[CHUCKLES.]
Spencer, if you're gonna be my partner, you got to wear your readers.
I don't need 'em.
Oh, really? What card is this? Back up a little.
Hi, guys.
- Hey, kiddo.
- Hey, Jerry.
So, you gave my spot to Bert? Yeah, we needed a fourth.
I'm just learning the game.
Yet somehow you've won every hand.
Dumb luck.
Yeah, unless you're hustling us.
Norma, look at this man.
Which one do you think it is? [CHUCKLES.]
It's up to you, Spencer.
Oh, dear, I hope this is right.
All right, guys, good seeing you.
I'm gonna go check out the action in the day room.
See if I can rustle up a game of Yahtzee.
- Okay, have fun.
- See you later, kid.
- See you, guys.
- We'll see ya.
Hearts? Anybody? Oh, poop.
Whoa, Jerry! Hey, what happened to you guys last night? Why did you take off so early? Oh, I, uh, got a text from my landlord.
My apartment flooded, uh, from the bathtub right above it.
No way! Me, too! Okay.
What's going on? Well, no offense, but you kind of turned the night into a staff meeting.
I thought that, too! No, I didn't.
You talked about time cards, Gina.
Time cards.
And exciting new breakthroughs in catheter hygiene.
So, I mentioned a couple work things.
No big deal.
It's all you care about anymore.
Well, I'm sorry I'm worried about 25 people who could drop dead at any second.
Not you guys, you're doing great.
That's fine, but when's the last time we really hung out, or you called to just catch up? [BEEPING.]
Oh, God! That's Norma's alert.
Spencer and Harry's, too.
Is everything okay? What happened? Jerry fainted.
It must be my arrhythmia.
- We should get you to a hospital.
- I'll drive.
ALL: No! I don't need to go to the hospital.
I can see my doctor tomorrow.
Oh, you shouldn't be alone tonight.
Uh, why don't you just stay here? Your old room is still empty.
- I guess, if you think that's best.
- GINA: Yeah.
Welcome back to Shawshank, kid.
Come on.
I'll walk you.
There you go.
- GINA: You got it? All right.
- You all right? You still think I care too much about work? I care about the residents.
I care more.
I got the defibrillator.
Jerry's okay.
Oh, good.
Anybody want to try this baby on me? Hey, Gina.
Gina? What? Oh, h-hi.
You okay? You're staring into that fire like you want to jump in.
Oh You don't want to hear it.
Normally, but for you I'll make an exception.
[SIGHS.]
It's just My friends don't get how hard my job is.
I can't just turn it off to go hang.
Mm-hmm.
Did I ever tell you about the body shop I owned? I don't think so.
Yeah, I opened it right after Beth was born.
I was terrified that I would fail, so I-I pretty much lived there.
See, you get it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I couldn't I couldn't think of anything else, do anything else, and sometimes I even slept in my office.
I fell asleep in my car a few weeks ago.
I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Bert showering in the sprinklers.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's an odd bird.
[LAUGHS.]
Anyway, so, about a year later, I came home one night and Meredith was gone.
Took Beth and went to her sister's.
Didn't she understand you were just trying to build a business? No, she was trying to get my attention.
See, I was so consumed with providing for my family that I I forgot I had one.
[SIGHS.]
But, uh, you still had responsibilities.
You couldn't just walk away from the shop.
No, no, no, but but a few nights a week, I made sure that I'd be home for dinner.
And Sundays were for Beth and Meredith.
So, you see, I found a balance.
Hmm.
You know, when you're willing to talk, you're, uh, you're actually pretty good at it.
You know the old saying: "I may have been born yesterday, but I stayed up late last night.
" Uh, would you, uh, like some wine? No, no, no.
I don't want to mix wine with my bourbon.
- Nice shot.
- Thanks.
I put a little English on it.
Uh, that's still okay to say, right? I think so.
GIDEON: So, Jerry, I had a doctor look at the EKG we did for you.
Your heart rhythms are totally normal.
- Really? - DREW: Yeah.
It must've been something else.
I mean, obviously you didn't faint for no reason.
That's interesting.
I'll schedule a doctor's appointment and get to the bottom of it.
Jerry.
Tell Gideon what's going on.
And also tell Drew.
I was lonely at my place.
I missed everybody.
So you pretended to faint to stay here? I really like Valley Hills.
I learned to play boccie.
I take art classes.
I have friends, and not just on Xbox.
I understand that, but you need to tell Gina the truth.
Yeah, I'm sure she'd love for you to stay.
You don't think it's weird that a 59-year-old wants to stay in a retirement home? Oh, it's definitely weird.
But one thing I learned while living on the road is, you got to do what makes you happy.
Wh-What if what makes you happy is socially unacceptable and possibly illegal? You want to elaborate on that? No, he doesn't.
Welcome back, Jerry.
Yeah, welcome back.
You wanted to see us? Oh, yeah, come on in.
Um, sit down.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Okay.
Um [CHUCKLES.]
[SIGHS.]
Where do I start? It was Gideon's idea to rig the bingo game.
Seriously? You're just gonna throw me under the bus? I need this job.
I owe people money.
Bad people.
Let's table that for another day.
[SIGHS.]
I just want to apologize to you both.
BOTH: Oh.
I've been so wrapped up in being a boss that I haven't been a very good friend.
So going forward, I'm really gonna try hard to find balance.
Thanks.
I love you, and I want you to be part of my life.
Me, too.
Bring it in.
[ALL GRUNT.]
Gabby, you really got to wear a bra.
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