Worlds Smartest Inventions 2 transcript

narrator: Don't touch
that remote !
announcer: Now, for a small
price, you can have
the booty of your dreams. Booty Pop !
narrator: Tonight,"The Smoking Gun" presents more of the world's smartest inventions.
( crowd cheering )
man: Yeah !
narrator: 20 ingenious products.
man: Nice dangle.
man: Oh, my God !
narrator: Innovations for the whole family.
announcer: Introducing the world's first breast-feeding doll.
( doll crying )
man: That is really ( bleep ) weird-- I'm sorry.
narrator: And for your four-legged friends.
announcer: Rear Gear, the fantastic invention that beautifies any dog's derriere.
Judy: Do they make those for my kids' mouths ?
narrator: Stay tuned for compelling testimonials from our celebrity cast.
woman: This ( bleep ) cool !
narrator: Plus, special guest, legendary pitchman Anthony Sullivan.
Anthony: Enjoy all the comforts of indoor plumbing while you're outdoors, anywhere.
narrator: It's "The Smoking Gun" Presents: The World's Smartest Inventions."
woman: Bingo !
narrator: Order now.
Closed Captions Provided by truTV
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: Tired of the same old boring blue jeans ?
man: Winkers.
announcer: Then it's time for Winkers. The specially decorated jeans that wink while you walk.
Tonya: Oh, that's-- Those are so cool.
Rodney: Is that ass winking at anybody else ? 'Cause it's winking at me.
man: Winkers.
Kevin: This is in case you're worried that your ass wasn't inviting enough for perverts to look at.
Daniel: Her mouth is saying no, but her pants are saying, "Oh, yes."
man: Winkers.
announcer: Choose duck, owl...
( owl hooting )
man: Thanks a lot, Winkers. Now I'll never be able to have sex with an owl again.
announcer: Or one of our many other popular designs.
Chelsea: Who...the ( bleep ) would wear these crazy pants ?
( dinging )
Loni: That's a lot of winking going on. A lot of winking.
announcer: Winkers are perfect for a walk in the park, running errands...
( duck quacking )
Kevin: Oh, I don't think those ducks deserve that.
announcer: Or just showing off.
man: Wink, wink, wink ! Cut, action, cut !
man: That's the closest he's gonna come to an actual movie set. I feel bad.
man: Winkers.
announcer: Get your pair today, and next time someone cute checks out your caboose, don't just stand there,wink at 'em !
man: Winkers.
man: Kiss it, baby.
man: Winkers.
announcer: Attention: cat owners. Tired of cleaning your cat's litter box ? And what about the mess and smell ? Say good-bye to litter for good with Citi Kitty, the complete cat toilet-training kit.
Billy: You know, they had me, okay, at "Attention:cat owners." I don't even own a cat.
announcer: It's true. Cats have been trained to use the toilet for decades.
Mike: Um, news to me.
announcer: Now with Citi Kitty, yours can, too.
Leif: Shouldn't it be called "( bleep ) Kitty" ?
Daisy: I got something new I want to introduce to our relationship. You pissing in a toilet.
Tom: Now your day has finally come. You're gonna be potty trained.
announcer: Start living litter-free today with Citi Kitty.
( commentator groaning )
Chelsea: No, no. How dare you make me watch a cat take a leak.
Kevin: That was more staring into a cat's eyes while he peed than I ever planned to do. Thanks.
( commentator grunting )
Rodney: Hey, man. Can I get a little... privacy here ? 
announcer: Cats of all size, age and breed can learn to use a toilet.
Chuck: Now I gotta compete with my cat for bathroom time ? I don't think so. You don't pay any rent here.
( cat meowing )
( knocking )
Daniel: ( bleep ), Whiskers, what have you been eating ? Light a match or something in there, will ya ? You're killing me.
man: Meow.
Ted: If I can teach my cat to crap in a toilet, I can teach it to crap in my neighbor's mailbox. Wait a minute.
announcer: Start living litter-free today with Citi Kitty, the complete cat toilet-training kit.
Judy: The cat wipes its paws all over the toilet seat. That's fun. 'Cause I love sitting on a wet toilet seat.
John: I mean, you think they'd teach these cats how to flush, right ? No.
Tonya: A cat is supposed to go in a kitty litter box, okay ? This ( bleep ) is the only one that's gonna be using my toilet, all right ?
announcer: Say good-bye to litter for good with Citi Kitty.
Mike: You know, they actually have an invention for people that don't want to clean up cat ( bleep ). It's called "not having a cat." I have it and I love it.
announcer: If you own an iPod, iPhone or digital video player, then you need TV Hat. Private, portable and hands-free. TV Hat provides a motion-picture experience absolutely anywhere.
Tom: Now you don't have to be a couch potato. You can be an anywhere potato.
Jaime: Best of all, TV Hat completely shuts you off from society and renders you unaware of your surroundings.
Mike: This movie's awesome ! Oh ! Oh, boy !
Daisy: Ha, ha ! ( chuckling ) Oh, this is the best personal-theater experience I've ever had on the subway.
announcer: The custom-magnification lens provides a big-screen experience.
Daniel: Perfect for watching questionable content. Like this show ! ( laughing )
announcer: The unique shades ensure a private-viewing experience all your own.
Kevin: Don't you go to the beach to see the beach ? Isn't that why the beach is so popular ?
announcer: Getting through a long commute ? You need TV Hat.
Billy: What's that, Officer ? I don't know what-- what speed I was going. I'm watching TV Hat.
announcer: Watch what you want on your lunch break.
Ted: Finally, I can watch porn at work. Thank you, TV Hat.
woman: My husband would love this.
Daisy: It's cheaper than divorce. TV Hat.
announcer: TV Hat is yours for the low price of 19.95.
Brad: At first, it's a good price, but then when you add in the price of your dignity, it becomes a lot more expensive.
announcer: Shipping and handling is free. Order now.
Chuck: ( laughing ) Oh, Gilligan ! You are so funny !
narrator: Coming up, products you can't live without.
Todd: Yeah, oh yeah ! This ( bleep ) work, dawg.
narrator: Plus, can your underwear do this ?
( farting )
Loni: Anybody smell anything ?
narrator: And later, doggy style redefined.
man: It's a customized ass cover for your pet.
( dog whining )
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
man: Did you know the average American passes gas nearly 20 times a day ? That's almost once an hour.
Loni: Oh !
man: Introducing the GasBGon Underair Brief from Dairiair. These odor-controlling garments just look like regular briefs, but each pair is made from a patented microfiltration fiber that absorbs the foul-smelling sulfides and excess gas.
Daisy: That is a long way to go to describe this product. I think I can do it in one word."Fartpants."
John: If you don't have your fart and you don't have your smell, then what do you have ? You're basically a eunuch.
Kevin: If my significant other was wearing these, they would immediately become less significant.
man: Underair Briefs are guaranteed to filter up to 1,000 intestinal outbursts without losing effectiveness.
Mike: Look, I'll cut one every once in a while, but damn.
Frank: This is like Hazmat. What the ( bleep ) ? It's like a diaper. Why don't you just change your diet ?
Danny: I have one question. How do you know when it's full ?
man: Call now and you'll receive a GasBGon Flatulence Filter Seat Cushion at no additional cost.
Loni: It's supposed to be space-age material and stuff. Let me test it and see. ( farting )Anybody smell anything ?
man: Okay, Baldwin, we can actually go to a game together now.
man: And with 17 decorative slipcovers to choose from, your cushion will never look out of place.
Michael: Do they have a design for ladies ? Is there one with little hearts and teddy bears crying ?
Tonya: Women don't fart. ( farting ) We fluff.
man: The Underair Brief and Flatulent Filter Seat Cushion from Dairiair. Saving you by the seat of your pants. Order today.
announcer: GLH means great-looking hair. Just spray GLH on and it instantly covers your bald spot, leaving you with great-looking hair. It's an amazing powder that clings to the tiniest hairs on your head. GLH is not a paint or a cover-up.
man: Then what the ( bleep ) is it ?
Daisy: Dude, they got the real Ron Popeil, father of the infomercial in this. I will buy it. What is it ?
Mike: Hey. Look, I made a little painting for you, Ron Popeil.
announcer: Leaving you with great, great-looking hair ! 
man: Wow. That's incredible. This is the first time I've ever used this product, and I was skeptical at first, but it works.
Ted: Oh, this stuff is great. I spray it on my back if I'm going to a Greek wedding.
Todd: Yeah, oh yeah ! This ( bleep ) work, dawg.
Tom: Oh, that's perfect.
( dinging )
Brad: Oh, my God ! Does it come in something that's a little less Richard Simmons, though ?
man: As a matter of fact, I want to order one year's supply of this.
Nick: 'Cause that's how long I plan on living after I spray these chemicals into my skull.
Judy: "Propane, butane, isobutane, alcohol." Oh, "Warning: flammable." That's good.
Kevin: Man, my hair does look great, but now if someone lights a cigarette next to me, my--
Mike: Leif Garrett needs to get this. Then he would only have, like 11 other problems.
Leif: I don't need it, as we all know.
( rim shot )
announcer: And GLH is not just for men.
woman: Wow. I never dreamed that I'd look like this.
Billy: No. No, you-- you probably didn't.
announcer: This entire GLH hair system can be yours for only 19.95.
Daisy: Oh, my God. Here's my credit card. I don't have very good control of my finances.
announcer: What can you do when you can't afford to miss hearing a word ?
woman: What's that ? What did he say ?
woman: "B"-3.
woman: Oh, I had it.
Daisy: No one's yelled "bingo" yet. Don't give up ! This is so depressing.
announcer: Well, now, you can get Loud 'N Clear, the personal sound amplifier that looks just like a cell-phone headset.
Chelsea: Uh-oh, the future's here ! ( beeping )
announcer: It can help you hear every word loud and clear.
man: "B"-3.
woman: Bingo !
Daisy: Awesome.
announcer: By capturing and amplifying sound waves, it turns ordinary hearing into extraordinary hearing.
Mike: Ahh, ahh ! Oh, God !
announcer: So powerful, you can even hear conversations from across the street.
woman: They just got another new car.
woman: He must be doing really well.
Rodney: The old neighbors next door are getting busy. And I can't believe I'm listening. Again.
Leif: This is just invasion of privacy. This is wrong.
Jaime: I'm both frightened and intrigued.
Tonya: Oh, great, so I'm a "quacker."
Brad: This is amazing. You can literally hear how not funny Tonya is, as if she's not funny right next to you.
Tonya: I can hear what you're saying, ( bleep ).
announcer: Ever wonder what people are saying when you can't hear them ? With Loud 'N Clear, you can discreetly listen in.
Kevin: He's not just some tool who walks around wearing a Bluetooth all day, he's also a pervert who spies on other people's conversations.
woman: Isn't he cute ? He just moved into the building.
Danny: Why would I want to hear a bunch of chicks say, "Isn't that that washed-up kid from the 'Partridge Family' ?"
announcer: Call right now and we'll include a second Loud 'N Clear free, but you gotta call now.
Daisy: Why hasn't anyone thought of this before ? It's an aid that helps you hear. It's an aid for hearing. Or a hearing helper. They should have invented this already.
woman: Bingo !
announcer: Can't seem to find those pesky oven mitts when you really need them ? Introducing HandyMitts.
( commentator grunting )
Jaime: They have mitts forgiving "handies" now ? ( buzzer ringing ) Oh, what are they, then ?
announcer: Thanks to HandyMitts' unique retraction system, your hands have never been safer from dangerous kitchen hazards.
Nick: Those mitts are almost three feet away. I don't want to walk all the way over to the counter and pick 'em up.
Billy: Oh, oh, I see. Oh, they're on little strings.
Judy: I like the HandyMitts.
Leif: Julia Child is just, right now, turning in her grave. This is so pathetic.
announcer: Best of all, HandyMitts is so easy to use. Simply slip your hands in when you need them and slip them out again when your work is done.
Chelsea: I'm pretty sure this didn't need to be as weird as it is, but he went ahead and put his personal stamp on it. ( commentator grunting ) Quick on the draw !
Kevin: Who's getting the casserole first ? ( commentator grunting ) No, I don't think so.
Loni: Instead of HandyMitts, you need to get you some pants.
Jaime: HandyMitts are also good for slapping people across the room.
announcer: Order now and kiss your old kitchen mitts good-bye.
Bryan: Of course, I better not misplace my apron. So a lot of times, I sew my apron to my own skin.
Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here with a special limited TV offer. Stop settling for cheap reproductions of child stars gone wild. Now you can own the actual Danny Bonaduce. Like distressed leather, his beat-up appearance makes him an instant classic and he'll do anything for a laugh. Imagine your parties. Get your Bonaduce today. Only available in red.
narrator: Coming up,we've got you covered,from nuts...
Loni: Ooh.
man: Yeah !
narrator: ... to butts.
announcer: It's here. Booty Pop.
Tonya: I already got a booty.
narrator: But wait, there's more !
announcer: Batter Blaster. Just shake, point and blast.
Chelsea: Been there, done that.
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: Man's best friend. But even best friends need to keep some things private. Face it, your pooch's posterior isn't his most attractive asset. ( dog whining ) Introducing Rear Gear, the fantastic invention that beautifies any dog's derriere.
Roger: So basically, it's a customized ass cover for your pet.
Nick: I gotta be honest with you. I've never really studied my dog's butthole. I tend to look other places.
Frank: But what happens if the dog has to take a crap ?
announcer: The handy loop makes Rear Gear easy to attach.
commentator: Seriously ?
Tonya: Why don't you just go and get yourself, you know,an air freshener and hang that on his tail ?
Judy: Do they make those for my kids' mouths ?
Kevin: The directions for this, seriously, say, open the bag, cover the brown eye, invite the in-laws. Does even one of those things sound like a good idea ? Any of 'em ?
announcer: Rear Gear comes in a variety of styles.
Brad: Oh, look. His number two is number one. 
Daisy: I have two interests in life. Number one, making my dog look cute. Number two, denying that bitch its best pleasure in life of sniffing other dogs' butts. Thanks, Rear Gear. You made it happen.
announcer: Rear Gear. It's what all the best-dressed dogs are wearing.
Daniel: They should make these in the likeness of the person who orders them, because if you make your dog wear this, you're an ( bleep ).
announcer: Order yours today !
announcer: Uh-oh ! Are those pants getting too tight to close ? Oh, no ! That button is ready to pop. Stop ! You need the Perfect Fit Button. The quickest, easiest way to add or reduce inches on the waistband of your pants.
Kevin: Oh, I get it. Uh, it's a button.
Billy: What's that great expression ? Nobody ever lost money overestimating the fatness of the American people ?
Tonya: The food's good, you gotta eat and if it's too much, big frickin' deal.
announcer: Simply pop on the Perfect Fit Button and attach the specially designed secure-lock fastener. No one will ever know you're wearing it.
Daisy: Except for the telltale weird two-button crotch you're sporting.
Jaime: No one will ever know you're wearing it unless they look down.
Brad: If your pants have gotten so tight that you need to use this, it may be time to abandon pants altogether and just live in a Snuggie.
announcer: Just attach the fastener onto the pin to hold firmly in place. Simply squeeze the fastener to remove.
Loni: All I do is leave my pants unbuttoned. That's comfortable fit.
Leif: That's a hot look. It's a really good look.
announcer: It's like having a custom tailor at your fingertips.
Bryan: Thanks a lot, Perfect Fit Button, for putting me out of work. I hate you.
announcer: When you lose weight, just remove the Perfect Fit Button. As you lose more weight, simply pop it on the other side.
Daniel: Something tells me that the Perfect Fit Button has never been pinned to the right side of a waistband.
announcer: Even too big hand-me-downs fit perfectly in seconds.
Chelsea: Thanks, Mom, but I prefer new jeans.
Kevin: If this had been around when I was a kid, I'm pretty sure my brothers and I would have shared about three pairs of pants for 18 years.
announcer: Plus, it gets even better. You'll also get the amazing Shoes Under.
Judy: And you know what else we're gonna give you ? Something that has nothing to do with buttons !
announcer: Watch, you'll fit up to 24 shoes. Slide and store shoes under your bed to perfectly organize all your shoes, belts and scarves.
Mike: Oh, Shoes Under. When are you gonna graduate to the stupid thing they sell, not the stupid thing they give away ?
announcer: So call now !
announcer: Hey, sports fans. If you like to play hard, you need the NuttyBuddy, athletic protection for a man's most sensitive area. NuttyBuddy's unique cross shape absorbs the force of any blow and transfers it to the surrounding pelvic bone, leaving your genitals undisturbed. But don't take our word for it.
Mark: Hi, I'm Mark Littell. I've been in the game a long time, ever since I was 18 years old. I think I'm over 50-something right now.
Jaime: You think you're in your 50s ? Maybe you should be more worried about protecting your head.
Mark: But anyway, we're gonna test the NuttyBuddy today to see if this thing's really as mean and tough as we think it is.
Judy: Actually, I've seen something just like this called a cup.
Roger: I thought the NuttyBuddy was an ice-cream cone with nuts. Isn't it ?
Mike: I'd like to think I know male anatomy. I know what these two are. And then, I guess I could see what this is. What's this ?
Billy: It's like a youth center for your testicles. It gives them a place to go where they won't get into trouble.
announcer: To demonstrate the strength and effectiveness of NuttyBuddy, Mark is going to put himself directly in the firing line of a pitching machine.
Mark: We got some help today, we got Lacey. She goes to Capital High School up here in Helena, Montana, and she's gonna drop the ball in...
Kevin: You know, if you're gonna have to get hit in the nuts, you might as well get a pretty lady to do it.
Mark: All right, here we go. 
Daisy: No. No, put your pants back on ! Put your pants back on ! 
Mark: Yeah, let's go ! Ha, ho ! Yeah ! ( man laughing ) All the way !
man: Oh, no way !
Mike: That has to hurt a little bit. Like, you can hurt your nuts with just a-- just a bad breeze. They're very sensitive.
Mark: ... ho. Yeah ! ( man laughing ) All the way !
Tonya: So all you idiots out there that want to try stupid stuff, go buy one of these, stand there and get something that throws a ball at you really hard and we'll see if it works.
Danny: Okay, kids. Time to take the NuttyBuddy out for a test-drive. It works !
Mark: ... ho. Yeah ! ( man laughing ) All the way ! It works !
woman: An Australian woman had unwanted facial hair that she just couldn't get rid of by any means until she found Nad's. 
host: Could you tell us a little bit about the success story that you've had with Nads ?
lady: I've got some photographs here. And I think you'll see a big difference.
host: Oh, my word. That is wonderful that this product was able to help you in such a way.
Brad: You're all looking at it like you're looking at a back-alley abortion. Show us the picture already.
host: That is incredible.
lady: My friends see the difference.
Loni: What the hell the picture look like ? What she look like ? Ooh !
host: Wow !
Judy: Oh, my God !
Mike: Oh, ( bleep ) ! Is there a full moon ? Don't show me that !
lady: It's very successful, and it doesn't take long, just a few minutes.
Chris: Isn't this just waxing minus the screaming ?
Daisy: Someone said try a razor. I said, can a razor deal with this ? ( ripping ) Oh !
lady: My friends say, "Ah, you know you'll be a movie star now."
Loni: Uh, excuse me. Let's not overdo it, sweetie.
Rodney: You're not gonna be a movie star. You're gonna be in the Nad's hair-removal commercial. And that's it.
lady: My mother... gave me this jar of Nads. 
Jaime: Oh. I've been trying to get my hands on some Nad's for years.
Mike: Here's a good way to test the name of your product. Say it to a 13-year-old boy. If he starts giggling, pick another name.
lady: I would say that I look much better now.
Ted: Okay, listen up, ladies. Nad's can remove unwanted hair from your chin and chest, but you'll still need surgery to remove your testicles.
narrator: Coming up...
Anthony: Introducing the Bumper Dumper.
( commentator sighing )
narrator: Plus, more pet-training products.
announcer: Before long, your guppy will be shooting hoops.
narrator: And later...
announcer: It's here, Japan's most popular sleep aid.
Danny: Because my number-one complaint about my pillow is not enough role-playing.
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: Imagine being able tone and shape your backside and achieve that ultimate, shapely lifted booty instantly. It's here. Hollywood's hottest new trade secret. Booty Pop. Booty Pop panties are now revolutionizing women's undergarments, giving you sexy curves and the ultimate lift.
Todd: Booty Pop ! Made for the white girl with no ass. Sisters don't need Booty Pop.
Loni: It's all natural, baby.
Tonya: I don't need 'em. I already got a booty. 
announcer: Now you can get that fabulous figure, that "bootylicious," perky pop that all women want.
Nick: You know, you women, you fake us with your fake nails, your fake boobs, your hair extensions. Now your ass ? Even your ass ?
Chelsea: Oh, you don't like it ? I got it for you, Boo-boo.
announcer: The secret to Booty Pop is its strategically placed pads inside the panties that lift buttocks, leaving a sexier, more desirable booty instantly.
Kevin: Even if these pads do make your booty pop, the rest of you still looks like the owner of a sub-par ass.
Chelsea: I think this creates too many awkward situations in which you have to explain, like, why your ass feels like a mattress.
announcer: Booty Pop turns a droopy derriere into a youthful-looking, head-turning "bootylicious" booty.
Daisy: ♪ Pop it ♪♪ Let's pop it ♪♪ Let's Booty Pop ♪♪
Michael: If women get to wear the Booty Pop, I get to wear, um... the "Snake Trousers." Check that out. That is all... padding, bitches !
announcer: Boost your bottom in jeans, shorts, dresses and more.
Jaime: Before Booty Pop. After Booty Pop.
Loni: They wouldn't need a Booty Pop if they ate a damn sandwich.
announcer: Be sure to check out our website to see all the exciting Booty Pop colors available.
Tonya: So for those people that really want to have a butt, get 'em. And they come in purple.
announcer: Call or log on now to get the amazing Booty Pop panties for the introductory TV price of just 19.95. This is a limited-time offer, so call or log on right now.
Anthony: Can we watch it again ? 'Cause there's some great-looking ass in that commercial.
announcer: Booty Pop.
announcer: Tropical fish are beautiful. But let's face it, they're also a little boring. Not anymore. ( commentator grunting ) Introducing the R2 Fish School Kit.
commentator: Touchdown !
announcer: Just follow our easy-to-use instructions and before long, your guppy will be shooting hoops...
commentator: Whoo !
announcer ... taking it to the end zone...
commentator: Yeah !
announcer: ... doing the limbo...
commentator: I did it, did it !
announcer: ... and swimming with precision you never thought possible.
commentator: Yes !
Nick: You know, soccer's not boring enough when it's played by humans. Let's slow it down underwater. With fish.
commentator: Yes !
Jaime: If you put a bunch of crap in a fish bowl, eventually it'll look like the fish are playing with it.
announcer: Every R2 Fish School Kit comes with a free instructional DVD.
man: Welcome, future fish trainers. The first step is to get your fish to recognize and touch the ball.When he does, you should reward him with food.
Chris: You know, it's not enough that I've imprisoned this fish, let me make him work for his food.
Jaime: My fish refused to touch the ball, so I didn't give him his "reward." Now he's dead. Thanks, Fish School.
commentator: Thank you ! Thank you !
Billy: I bet this could work on our cast members.
Chuck: What you want me to say ?
Bryan: It's so exciti-- So exciting. I can't-- I can't tell you how excited I am.
Leif: What am I getting fed for, am I...
Mike: Bull ( bleep ) !
man: Comet sure loves to head the ball around, but the goal is to score a goal. Excuse the pun.
Kevin: I will not excuse it because that wasn't a pun. You just said the word "goal" twice.
announcer: The R2 Fish School Kit. Everything you need to train your fish to do amazing tricks.
Daniel: Hey, which one of these accessories teaches my fish to breathe on dry land ?
announcer: Order now.
commentator: I'm out, I'm out !
Anthony: Anthony Sullivan here. Ah, the great outdoors. There's no place more relaxing. But what do you do when nature calls ? There's the digging... and the squatting. ( farting ) Introducing the Bumper Dumper.
commentator: Ah... ( sighing )
Anthony: The bathroom breakthrough that lets you enjoy all the comforts of indoor plumbing while you're outdoors.
Roger: I'm out in the middle of nowhere. Does it really matter where I put it ?
Tom: This is great, because sometimes you get so excited when you catch a fish that you'll ( bleep ) your pants.
Daisy: Do not tell Jeff Foxworthy about the Bumper Dumper.
commentator: Bumper Dumper ?
Daisy: He will base an entire comeback tour around it.
Anthony: The Bumper Dumper quickly and easily mounts to your truck or SUV.
Daniel: Attach this to the back of your truck and you'll literally be hauling ass.
Brad: No, kids, I'm slowing down to 35. Climb out the back window and hold on.
Danny: Hey, try not to go over so many bumps.
Anthony: And the injection-molded space-age polymer seat provides support you can count on, letting you take care of business anywhere.
Mike: Hmm, would you look at that. Fed is raising interest rates again. That is crazy.
Bryan: And I'll tell you, it may smell bad, but, boy, does it bring back some memories.
Ted: And what I've found is when the bag is full, you can just toss it on the freeway.
commentator: What the heck is that ?
Anthony: The cost, just 69.95.
Chuck: It's good even when you're doing... ( farting )... an interview.
Anthony: So what are you waiting for ? Order now.
announcer: For years and years, people have made pancakes and waffles the same old-fashioned way, with milk, eggs, flour, mixing bowls, measuring cups... and all that mess.
Judy: It was never like that, okay ? No one made me ( bleep ) pancakes.
announcer: Announcing Batter Blaster. Just shake, point, blast and cook.
Mike: Life just got a little simpler, America. There you go, another invention you didn't know you needed.
Todd: I'm throwing this away. That's crap. This is where it's at.
announcer: Again, just shake, point, blast and cook. It's that easy.
Chelsea: Shake, point and blast. Been there, done that.
Leif: This is all a disguise for whippits !
announcer: Batter Blaster makes fluffy pancakes or light waffles in no time.
Jaime: I'd never skip breakfast if I could just squirt a pancake into my mouth.
Michael: Bitches want some pancakes ? Bitches get some pancakes.
Bryan: I have a Batter Blaster. But, well, you can't buy it, 'cause it's attached to me.
women: ♪ Make a better ♪♪ Breakfast faster ♪♪ Batter Blaster ♪♪
Daisy: Look happier about those pancakes, kid. We got 19 more takes of this coming your way.
announcer: It's organic, easy and fun. It's the tastiest for everyone. Make a better breakfast faster. Batter Blaster.
Chris: Whatever time you save using this product will be lost in the bathroom later.
women: ♪ Make a better ♪♪ Breakfast faster ♪♪ Batter Blaster ♪♪
Roger: Yeah, but can they do it with meat loaf ?
narrator: Coming up...
announcer: Introducing the affordable orthopedic bed for your dog.
Loni: Is that Leif Garrett ?
narrator: And a chair that cares.
Mike: A normal chair ignores the genitals. This chair can't think enough about your genitals.
narrator: Plus, parental supervision required.
announcer: The doll that teaches your little girl to breast-feed.
Leif: We'll get the blow-up doll to teach our son the other stuff.
( doll crying )
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: You sleep sound lyin a comfortable bed and wake up feeling relaxed and rejuvenated. But what about your best friend ?
woman: Here, Cecil.
announcer: How's he feeling today ?
( dog whining )
announcer: Introducing the DogPedic Sleep System, the affordable orthopedic bed designed to provide comfort, relief and happiness for your dog.
Mike: Oh, God. My dog didn't get any sleep last night. How is he ever gonna get through the day of sleeping whenever he wants ?
announcer: Guaranteed or your money back.
Judy: You want to know where else I've seen a dog look comfy ? On my kitchen floor.
Nick: I've got a $2,000 mattress, I toss and turn all night, meanwhile, my dog sleeps on a bed of nails. It's fine.
announcer: The secret is an exclusive combination of memory foam and support foam that contours to his exact body shape while evenly supporting his overall weight.
Daniel: At last, a dog can lick his balls atop a mattress designed by NASA engineers.
announcer: We dropped a 20-pound watermelon onto an ordinary dog bed and it broke into pieces. But with DogPedic, the melon doesn't break.
Kevin: So if I drop my dog off a ladder onto this mattress, it won't explode. Very helpful.
announcer: Other dog beds get lumpy and lose their shape over time,but DogPedic's memory foam always returns to its original shape, providing years of comfort and support. 
Loni: You can buy this thing and your dog will still sleep in the bed with you.
Daisy: I'm glad I spent the money.
announcer: DogPedic comfortably supports dogs weighing as much as 150 pounds.
Jaime: The large one is for up to 150 pounds ? How much ? No, I don't have a dog.
announcer: Guaranteed or your money back.
woman: Here, Cecil !
Tonya: I love my pet and he's like my child, but I'm not gonna buy him a doggy bed that's worth more than my bed, okay ?
announcer: Order the DogPedic Sleep System now.
man: Hello and welcome to "Amazing Inventions." Today I want to introduce you to a fantastic new product from Scandinavia. It's called the Salli Chair and it's sure to improve your posture. Let's hear from the product's inventor, Veli-Jussi Jalkanen.
Veli-Jussi: Anatomically designed seats fits to the pelvic and minimizes the disturbance to the circulation. Bones carry the weight, not soft tissues. See how the genitals make use of the gap.
Kevin: Last time I heard someone say the phrase, "Look how the genitals make use of the gap," I called the police.
John: Oh. Oh... 
Michael: It's kind of comfy. Hot, right ?
Chelsea: There you are in the chair. Yes, I do see your genitals, resting gently in the gap. That's great.
Veli-Jussi: Gap in the seat is needed to keep the pressure away from sensitive genitals. Conventional chair brings you poor posture and lots of physical problems.
Bryan: If I'm using the Salli Chair, I no longer have a backache and my genitals look as pristine and as shapely as they did when I first sat down.
Mike: A normal chair ignores the genitals. This chair can't think enough about your genitals.
Loni: I ain't got no genitals. ( buzzer ringing ) Do I ?
Veli-Jussi: An undivided saddle chair in the right saddle-chair posture, even the testicles get pressed, not to mention the root of penis.
Kevin: Yeah, actually, please don't mention it.
Veli-Jussi: Try without underwear. That is most comfortable.
Roger: I'm commando right now.
Leif: It's a nice dangle.
Veli-Jussi: Reaching out is safe and works like exercise in your back muscles.
Chelsea: This would be the perfect office chair if I was in Cirque du Soleil and had some paperwork to do.
Veli-Jussi: We look for standing posture in the back. Also in sitting, to avoid the back problems.
Billy: "Use as directed." I inadvertently sat in it backwards and I gave myself a rupture.
man: If you're on the edge of your seat to get the Salli Chair, you'll be glad to know it's available in ergonomic furniture stores the world over. Good night and thanks for watching "Amazing Inventions."
announcer: After a long day at work,all you want to do is spend time with that special someone. But sometimes, that's just not possible. Introducing the Lap Pillow, one of the most popular sleep-aid products is finally available here in the states.
Chelsea: Yay, amputee cushions !
Danny: Sure, because my number-one complaint about my pillow at home is not enough role-playing.
announcer: The Lap Pillow is ergonomically designed to cradle the head.
Michael: No, seriously, it's the only way I can sleep. I need this.
Bryan: A lot of guys like to rest like this. I like to take naps like this.
announcer: And the sateen skirt-and-apron ensemble is soft to the touch.
Daniel: I'm glad these come dressed in a maid outfit, because if there's one thing I'm a stickler about, it's that my fetish pillows have jobs. Hey !
Chuck: I wonder what is up under here. Ooh ! More pillow.
announcer: Meaning you'll have sweet dreams all night long. Best of all, the Lap Pillow is guaranteed to be there in the morning when you wake up.
Judy: Let me lie with you. Is your wife coming home ? She's a bitch. I hate her.
announcer: Order the Lap Pillow today, and if you don't feel refreshed after the first night, send it back, no questions asked.
Ted: Finally, someone's invented a nice, clean pillow to replace that rotting maid's torso I used to sleep on.
announcer: Call now.
Anthony: Hi, Anthony Sullivan here. Remember the '70s ? If you do, you're in better shape than this guy, Leif Garrett. Made specifically for dancing, this former heartthrob can be all yours exclusively from "The Smoking Gun." So order today.
narrator: You've sampled 19 fantastic inventions.
Mark: ... ho. Yeah !
narrator: But the smartest new invention of all is still sitting in the warehouse and it's guaranteed to soothe your inner child.
woman: My husband would love this.
narrator: Find out what it is when we return.
commentator: Eureka !
announcer: For centuries, little girls have loved to imitate their mothers. Now they can do it like never before. Introducing Bebé Glotón, the world's first breast-feeding doll from Spanish toy company Berjuan.
( doll crying )
( doll suckling )
Frank: That is really ( bleep ) weird, I'm sorry.
announcer: Bebé Glotón means "hungry baby," a perfect name for a doll that lets any little girl pretend she's nursing her very own bundle of joy.
( doll crying )
Kevin: Spain sees teen pregnancy and they say, "No, no, not young enough."
( doll crying )
( doll suckling )
Leif: We'll get the blow-up doll to teach our son the other stuff.
( doll crying )
announcer: Bebé Glotón comes with a colorful halter top adorned with two strategically placed flowers. Your little one simply places the doll's mouth on one of the flowers and she's nursing.
John: Okay, these aren't just faux nipples. They're pasties.
Nick: Mama.Sounds like me when I'm doing this.
( doll crying )
( doll suckling )
( doll crying )
Billy: You know, it seems like fun in the ad, but it ain't so much fun when you gotta nurse Bebé Glotón at 4:00 a.m.
( doll crying )
Judy: Shut up !
Chuck: My nipples are killing me !
Mike: This has gotta be the creepiest thing I've ever done.
announcer: When feeding time's over, burp Bebé Glotón to ease her to sleep.
Chelsea: I'm pretty sure you don't burp a baby from the front. But it's great that this doll's teaching her how to be a mom.
Loni: Oh, excuse me. Oh !
announcer: Bebé Glotón costs just 59.95 for countless hours of grown-up fun.
( doll suckling )
Kevin: How long could nursing a baby be fun ?
Like a minute ?
announcer: Order now.
( doll crying )
Loni: I don't want to play no more.
Brad: Let's start out with a tap, just to make sure it's sitting right. Don't ( bleep ) full-out softball me, okay ?
Chuck: I'm so glad that I showered today.
Mike: I guess you don't want me to drop trou.
man: I don't know. If you-- if you are comfortable with this--
Mike: Nah, it's all right.
Brad: Oh, oh. That's nice.
Michael: Oh, that one hurt. Ahh.
Tonya: For all of us that want to have sex, you can do it like this and your boyfriend can come up behind you.
Mike: This doesn't look weird at all. This doesn't look like I friggin' don't belong in society.
Nick: Ooh, do I want to see my favorite show or do I not want to get laid for the rest of my life ?
Brad: Oh ! Oh, yeah. That's good. A little more. I'm almost there. I think I love you.
John: Just put some Vicodins in here and Leif comes running.
Brad: Oh, yeah ! It works !
Jaime: ♪ Da-da ♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪♪
( doll suckling )
Danny: Look, I am so ( bleep ) skeeved, man.
Daisy: Ahh ! No ! I don't like it, I don't like it. I don't like it.
Captioned by Soundwriters™