Squidward and the Real World

Squidward and the Real World is the fifty-second episode of Cult of Squid. It released on July 17th, 2021 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133. This episode also doubled as the three year celebration special for Cult of Squid.
== Plot ==
During a fight with Zomp and his magic using the Book of the Damned, he transports Squidward and SpongeBob to a world where Cult of Squid is just a TV show that people like to watch and they’re these two odd writers named Allison and Joel.
== Transcript ==
(Squidward and SpongeBob arrive in a world on dry land)
Squidward: (gapsing) can’t-
SpongeBob: (gasping) breathe-
(Squidward looks around, and spots a huge glass of water on a big table)
Squidward: (choking and coughing) up… There! Water… quick!
(Spongebob and Squidward struggle as they climb the giant table. Then they climb the giant glass of water, and dive in)
Squidward: (breathing in) ah… water…
SpongeBob: so. Where are we?
Squidward: I don't know. It's like we're in a big, twisted, backwards desert world.
SpongeBob: hey, do you see that? (Points offscreen) right over there. See that?
Squidward: (looking where Spongebob's pointing) yeah, I see. Is that what I think it is?
SpongeBob: That looks like… A big door?
Squidward: (looking around the room) and is that a bed? And is that a window? And… (zoom out to reveal a giant computer) a computer? (Zoom back)
SpongeBob: What kind of twisted, backwards place is this???
(The world starts shaking as the doorknob begins shaking)
Squidward: oh no, we are in an INHABITED AREA!
SpongeBob: brace yourself!
(The door swings open. In the doorway, a person wearing a purple shirt walks in)
Person: yikes. What a long, tedious day!
(He walks to his computer and sits down)
Squidward: (whispering) what's he doing?
SpongeBob: (whispering) you think I know?
Person: (tying on computer) hello, Allison. Are you ready to begin writing?
Allison: (via message) yup, what are we writing tonight, Joel?
Joel: (typing) we are gonna write the episode where Squidward and Zomp have an epic battle for survival.
Allison: (via message) Okay, when do you want to begin?
Joel: (typing) whenever you're ready.
SpongeBob: (whispering) what in gods name is he doing?
Squidward: (whispering) he appears to be chatting with somebody. I can't quite make it out.
(Joel reaches for his glass of water)
Squidward: (whispering) HE APPEARS TO BE PICKING UP THE GLASS. STAY 100% TOTALLY STILL.
(SpongeBob and Squidward sit in the glass shaking as Joel takes a sip with them in it. He spits the water out, flinging Squidward and SpongeBob back into the glass)
Joel: CHRIST! HOW LONG HAS THIS WATER BEEN HERE?! (He gags) I am gonna get a new glass! (Joel runs out the room)
Squidward: ...so he is just gonna leave this glass here? What an asshole.
SpongeBob: quiet, Squidward! We were just drunk by that creature! We are lucky to even be alive!!
Squidward: still, can't this dude show some semblance of decency?
Allison: (via message) Joel? Are you still there?
(The message notification causes the glass to ring and vibrate)
Squidward: Christ, that is not a good sound.
SpongeBob: Here. (Puts water helmet on Squidward's head) I kept spares of these incase we absolutely needed them. (He puts one on himself)
Squidward: But how are we gonna get out of here?
SpongeBob: Tip the glass over!
Squidward: how do we do that?
Spongebob: watch and learn. (SpongeBob karate chops the side of the glass, causing it to wobble a bit)
Squidward: I think I get you. (Begins ramming the side, causing it to wobble more)
(They both attack the side of the glass, and after a while it tips over, spilling water on the desk. Spongebob and Squidward step out)
Squidward: thank god. I was getting claustrophobic.
(The doorknob begins shaking. The door opens and Joel walks in with a new glass of water)
Joel: (notices the glass tipped over) aw, damnit! Now I've got to clean up this mess. (He walks over and notices SpongeBob and Squidward)
Squidward: uh… Hi?
Joel: (lets out a scream, dropping his current glass of water) Are you… Brother Squidward and SpongeBob?
Squidward: uh… yup. 
Joel: And you two are real?!
Squidward: Of course we're real. Why do you ask such dumb questions?
Joel: but, you're just a TV show!
Squidward: a TV show? What the Hell are you talking about?
(Joel picks the two up and shows them an episode of Cult of Squid on his computer)
Squidward: What the hell?! I don't remember ever having THAT happen!
Spongebob: What in god's name is happening?!
Joel: you two are characters in Cult of Squid, a very popular TV show. How the Hell did you end up here???
Squidward: well… I am having the worst existential crisis of my life right now, so I'll have SpongeBob explain it while I sit here and question my existence.
SpongeBob: Zomp sent us here via a spellbook of The Damned?
Joel: Spellbook of the Damned? That's what last week's episode was about! I remember writing that Zomp transported you to another realm at the end. I guess somehow you got transported here.
Squidward: (queasy) where were you going to… have him send us…
Joel: I was gonna have him send you back to the Destroyed Timeline. I was just about to begin writing the episode, as a matter of fact.
Squidward: I don’t want to go back there.
Joel: Well apparently, I have the power of a God and I can bring my creations to life. 
Allison: Joel don’t let this go to your head-
Joel: Too late! I AM A GOD!
(Joel begins to write; cut to an even more hyper realistic world where a young adult is laying on his bed that doesn’t have sheets because they’re in the washer is just on his phone writing on a document titled “6x04 - Squidward and the Real World; he opens up Discord and sees a ping from “CoS crew”)
Purple133#6216: Hey Ally, what do you think of this section?
Allison: What the hell am I reading?
(Cut back to Squidward and SpongeBob watching Joel write)
Squidward: Wait so if you control our stories then why don’t you just write for us to go back to the show?
Joel: I’m not entirely sure how it works. Plus, why would I do that? I am a god.
Squidward: You’re not a god, you’re just a human!
Joel: My creations came to life! What if this is also just written? Like this is all part of the script?
SpongeBob: You think you’re fake too?
Joel: I mean could be possible. I’ve seen TV shows explore weirder stuff. So it’s obvious you guys were either brought to life by me, or came from an alternate universe where Cult of Squid is real.
Squidward: That’s what you call us?
Joel: yeah, thats your show.
Squidward: Hm, I guess it fits. Hey, if it’s all just a TV show, I must ask - are you allowed to tell us if we’re popular or not?
Joel: You’re pretty popular. The most popular LTV show out there right now! 
Squidward: Oh. Uh, well that’s somewhat comforting... I guess. 
Spongebob: so… Could you bring us back?
Joel: or… Since I am a god… i can do whatever I want with you guys.
Allison: Joel, cmon. 
Joel: MY CREATIONS COME TO LIFE! 
Squidward: (whispering to Spongebob) Spongebob, I have an idea. You see his giant computer? He has been talking to that other person. We could tell them to transport us back! 
Joel: (stomach rumbles) shit! Gotta take a dump! (Runs out)
(Squidward and SpongeBob walk to the computer, and type "HEY YOU. IT'S SPONGEBOB AND SQUIDWARD. GET US OUT OF HERE!)
Allison: get you out? How?
(They type "I DONT KNOW! THINK OF SOMETHING.")
Allison: hmm
Allison: well
Allison: Since I am a writer too
Allison: couldn't I write you out of there?
(They type "WORTH A SHOT, I SUPPOSE." Squidward is visbly tired)
Spongebob: why are you so tired?
Squidward: these giant keys… Are hard to press…
SpongeBob: (shoves Squidward aside) move aside.
(SpongeBob starts pressing buttons)
Allison: Wait, why are you pressing buttons when you clearly demonstrated a couple minutes ago that you could talk?
SpongeBob: Ignore the inconsistency. 
Squidward: Talking? I thought we were typing.
Spongebob: I swear we were.
Allison: but we are?
(Cut to a young Italian kid reading this episode unfold on his computer on a website online)
CartoonGuy: Who the hell’s writing this?
(Cut back to the desk)
Allison: (via Discord message) nevermind
Allison: listen
Allison: i will try to write you back to your world
Squidward: make it quick! I hear the toilet flush!
(Joel walks back to his desk)
(Squidward and SpongeBob sweat as Joel walks to his desk. Soon after they vanished, and Joel stares in confusion)
Allison: (via message) okay did that work
Allison: hello
Allison: okay i will assume thats a yes
Joel: (Typing) where did they go?
Allison: (via message) uh
Allison: they left
Joel: (typing) bruh
(Cut back to the Cult of Squid world. The Cult and Feathered Friends are appearing to do some kinda ritual as there is a pentagram on the floor)
Security: o dark lord- we know we beat you in a long battle, but we must ask that you bring back Brother Squidward and SpongeBob.
(Brother Squidward and Spongebob appear in a red flash, a few feet from the pentagram)
Squidward: I am back! Wait until you hear the adventure Spongebob and I- (notices the pentagram and stares angrily at Security. Everyone else except SpongeBob, Squidward and Security back away slowly)
Security: (chuckling) uh… welcome back?
(Squidward sighs deeply)
Category:Cult of Squid
Category:Cult of Squid Episodes
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:2021 Transcripts
Category:2021 Episodes
Category:Episodes written by Purple133
Category:Episodes written by Locknloaded23