Faith

Faith is the first episode of Viktor Orbán's Wonderful Life in Hungary. It was released on December 1, 2023 and was written by .
==Transcript==
[The episode begins on May 31, 2023, where Orbán walks into the kitchen where his husband Gyurcsány is making bacon and eggs]
Orbán: Good morning, dear.
Gyurcsány: Oh, good morning, Orbi. And happy birthday.
Orbán: Thank you! What's for breakfast?
Gyurcsány: Er, nothing special, just bacon and eggs.
Orbán: Yummy!
[Gyurcsány places the bacon and eggs onto Orbán's plate, with the bacons arranged like the number 60]
Orbán: Aw, you shaped them like the number 60! That's how old I am.
Gyurcsány: Heh, yeah.
Orbán: Wow, thank you. I just… I love you so much, Feri.
[Orbán kisses Gyurcsány]
Gyurcsány: (blushing) Oh it's… Really nothing.
[The two look deeply into each other's eyes with affection, then Orbán starts eating his bacons]
Gergely Karácsony: W rizz.
[Orbán spits his bacons out]
Orbán: What the?! Karácsony?
Gyurcsány: W-what are you doing in our house?
Karácsony: Oh, I just wanted to wish Orbán a happy birthday.
Orbán: Uh, thanks, but did you really have to break into our house for this? I was trying to enjoy a nice breakfast with my wonderful hubby.
Karácsony: Also, I just wanted to remind you that you scheduled a costume party in the Parlament today.
Orbán: Of course! I almost forgot! Gyuri, would you, uh, like to come with me to the costume party?
Gyurcsány: O-of course! I would really… like… that.
Orbán: Okay, let me finish my bacons first though.
[Orbán continues eating his breakfast]
Karácsony: …Would you like me to prepare your fursuit?
Orbán: Yes please.
[The theme song by Rick Astley begins as scenes from the series play]
If there's anything you need
All you have to do is say
You know you satisfy everything in me
We shouldn't waste a single day
So don't stop me falling
It's destiny calling
A power I just can't deny
It's never-changing
Can't you hear me, I'm saying
I want you for the rest of my life
Together forever and never to part
Together forever we two
And don't you know
I would move Heaven and Earth
To be together forever with you
[Cut to Orbán walking into the Parlament dressed as Tamás the Turul with Gyurcsány, who is dressed as a grouse]
Orbán: Good morning, fellow furries.
Ádám Kósa: Ah, hello Mr. President! Do you like my goatsona?
Orbán: I am the prime minister, but yes.
Kósa: Yippee!
Gyurcsány: Hm, very exquisite party this is.
Orbán: Yes, we spent all of the taxpayer's money on this.
Gyurcsány: I see.
[Péter Márki-Zay appears dressed as a catboy]
Péter Márki-Zay: Oh hey, Orbán… This is your birthday party if I'm not mistaken.
Orbán: Yes, indeed. But, why are you here? I thought you went back to your pathetic little shack in the woods.
Péter: Well, I just really wanted to be here for your birthday, since you're the prime minister and stuff. And I must say, you look quite gorgeous today.
Orbán: I am married.
Péter: Oh right. The prime minister is a homosexual. Truly a great country we live in. Woohoo.
Gyurcsány: You are a catboy.
Orbán: Hey, if you don't like this country, then move to Brussels.
Péter: NO! I AM A PURE BLOODED HUNGARIAN! MY FATHER WAS HUNGARIAN! MY MOTHER WAS HUNGARIAN! I WAS BORN HERE AND I WILL DIE IN THIS COUNTRY! I LOVE HUNGARY! And that's why I will win the 2026 elections. The people here don't really fancy homosexuals.
Orbán: Well, we'll seeee.
Péter: You can give up already. Everyone knows I'm a better leader anyway.
Gyurcsány: You are a catboy.
Péter: Well yes, but I don't see how that affects my prime ministerial skills.
Gyurcsány: You are a catboy.
Péter: OH SHUT UP! I'M LEAVING THE PARLAMENT FOREVER! BYE UNFRIENDING!
[Péter storms out of the building]
Orbán: Ugh, this Péter guy just had to ruin the party… Whatever, it's time to reveal the real reason why I invited all of you here…
[Orbán takes off his fursona and Gyurcsány turns down the lights]
Orbán: Now I realize that you guys have probably heard about Putin, who is still at war with Ukraine. Apparently, it's a big deal. People are calling it the event of the century and stuff like that. But am I upset? No, I am not! A little, but… we have had a pretty good year for ourselves, and you guys are all right in my book.
[Everyone starts celebrating and start chanting the word 'raises']
Orbán: No, no raises. You're not going to get any raises.
[The celebration stops]
Orbán: So, what did we do? Well, we had a visit from Pope Francis!
[Even bigger celebration]
Orbán: Yeah, that's how I roll! But that's not all. We passed a law against immigration… Which resulted in a protest where five people got arrested. And I won't even mention the Balaton Park Circuit… and the other protest in Budapest. Okay, I wasn't going to tell you about this yet, BUT I have been working on something very big! Something that will blow this Ukraine thing out of the water! And thanks to the efforts of my good friend Elon Musk…
Elon Musk: Thank you!
Orbán: Oh, there he is! Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the true event of the century. We are going to steal…
[Orbán starts escalating as he pauses for dramatic effect]
Orbán: THE MOON!
[Everyone starts cheering]
Orbán: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back! And I will be the greatest prime minister of all time!
Gyurcsány: Yeah! I'm so proud of you, Orbi!
[Orbán goes down to Gyurcsány]
Orbán: And don't worry, I didn't forget about you! Once I get the moon and become the king of the world, you can be… The duke!
Gyurcsány: Uh, thanks.
Karácsony: My fursona is a horse.
[Orbán checks his watch]
Orbán: Oh, it's church time! Party over! Church is more important. Uh, Karácsony, can you clean up this mess for me?
Karácsony: Yuh.
Orbán: Great. Okay, let's go, Feri.
Gyurcsány: Okie.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány sitting down in church]
Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, it is truly an honour to gather with you today to celebrate the unyielding strength and profound beauty found in our Christian faith.
[Orbán is smiling]
Priest: And today, we shall celebrate the birthday of the one and only prime minister of this amazing country: Viktor Orbán!
[Everyone starts clapping as Orbán walks to the priest]
Norbert: Yeah! Let's go, Victor Morbin!
Norbert Mom: Quiet, dear.
Orbán: Thank you, thank you, it's truly an honour to be here with you today… So, where's my present?
Priest: Well, since it is your birthday, why don't we just shut up about Christ and party?
Gyurcsány: I don't know, I think we should continue the normal church thing, it is the Lord's Day after all…
Priest: Nah.
[A disco ball lowers and everyone starts bussing it down and hitting the griddy]
Norbert: WOOOOO!
Orbán: This is amazing!
Gyurcsány: Eh, I might as well…
[Gyurcsány does the epic Őszöd dance]
Priest: And this isn't all! Pastor, bring in the cake!
[The pastor brings in a life-sized statue of Viktor Orbán made out of cake]
Orbán: Oh my god… It's so gorgeous…
[Orbán eats it all in one bite]
Priest: Good gracious, not even SpongeBot from Full Server could do that!
Orbán: Augh I'm so full.
Gyurcsány: I knew this wasn't a good idea.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány walking out of the church]
Gyurcsány: Uh, thanks for the party, Mr. Priest.
Priest: You're welcome, I'd do anything for the prime minister and his husband. I'm getting a raise for this though, right?
Orbán: Raise? I can barely even afford to keep myself alive. I'd rather give myself a raise.
Gyurcsány: I uh think you should discuss this with him later, he's a bit lightheaded from all the cake.
Priest: Of course.
[The two start walking away]
Gyurcsány: Well that was an interesting church service.
Orbán: Yes indeed. It's amazing that they could craft such a beautiful cake.
Gyurcsány: Yeah it was quite handsome, like you. They really replicated your looks perfectly.
Orbán: Well I uh… Thanks.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány drinking chocolate milk at their house]
Orbán: Mm… This chocolate milk is delicious.
Gyurcsány: I spent the whole afternoon on it.
Orbán: It was very worth it. It's the best chocolate milk I have had in my life, and that's saying a lot.
Karácsony: Sir, it is 5 PM and you instructed me to remind you to go for a walk in order to lose weight at this time.
Gyurcsány: WHY ARE YOU STILL IN OUR HOUSE?!
Orbán: Oh right, I need to lose some weight. And I must go alone because of plot convenience.
Gyurcsány: Uh, you should be careful, someone might try to assassinate you or something.
Orbán: I'll be careful, but there's no way I could get killed. The people here love me! And for good reason, since I am the second coming of Christ.
Gyurcsány: Well still, maybe something will happen to you that will change how you see the world and how you live.
Orbán: Perchance.
Gyurcsány: Bye honey.
[Cut to Orbán walking down a path in a forest. He is whistling the Himnusz]
Orbán: Ah, there's nothing else quite like the joy of being a proud, pure-blooded Christian Hungarian.
[Orbán sees a bench]
Orbán: Phew, this exercise is quite exhausting. I might as well sit down here.
[Orbán sits down; after a few seconds a massive beam of light appears on the path]
Orbán: WHAT THE RÁK?! JESUS, IS THAT YOU?!
[Out of the light walks a JewWario apparition]
JewWario: You are honored very much. You are a favored man. The Lord is with you. You are chosen from among many men.
[Orbán is troubled at JewWario's words]
JewWario: Viktor, do not be afraid. You have found favor with God. See! Once you believe in Talking Ben as the true God and pray to Him and me every night, your soul shall become pure, but once you stray from the path of God, your soul shall become tainted, and to Hell you will be sent to, where the sinners of the world reside.
Orbán: But… I… I am a proud Christian.
JewWario: Change your ways, Viktor, and you shall get treated well by God
Orbán: I just… Didn't you die? Is this real?
JewWario: Yes, I am real. I have returned from Heaven in order to communicate with you. Talking Ben talked to me over 9 years ago. He told me that He was the true God, and that I need to sacrifice myself in order to cleanse humanity of its sins. And so I did. But soon, I shall return in human form, and all the non-believers shall perish, and only the true and honest Benists shall live past it.
Orbán: Oh my God…
JewWario: Be good, friend, and convert to Benism. In one week I shall return, and you shall prove your worth.
[JewWario disappears, leaving Orbán confused]
Orbán: Wow… What just happened? I… my whole life I have believed in and loved Jesus, but….
[Cut to Orbán Gyurcsány what happened]
Orbán: And then he told me to convert to Benism and deny Jesus…
[Orbán begins crying and Gyurcsány comforts him]
Gyurcsány: Aw, Orbi, don't cry. This is surely just God trying to test you.
Orbán: I don't know… Like, JewWario killed himself… He, uh, he did awful things. He can't be in God's kingdom. He's supposed to be rotting in Hell, yet…. Maybe Benism is the true religion.
Gyurcsány: Well, that is a possibility.
Orbán: Yeah… Maybe, I should do some research on Benism.
Gyurcsány: Perchance.
Orbán: You can't just say perchance…
[Cut to Orbán reading the Benist Bible]
Orbán: "In the beginning when Talking Ben created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from Talking Ben swept over the face of the waters." Wow, this sounds a lot like the Christian Bible. Ugh, why am I even trying to believe in this? It's obviously just a Bible copy…
[JewWario appears behind Orbán]
JewWario: My child, why are you doubting the truth?
Orbán: JewWario? You're back? So is this all real? Are you really the messiah?
JewWario: Of course, Viktor. Don't you understand that the Christian faith is purely a misunderstanding of the true and honest Benist faith?
Orbán: I don't know. Pretty sure Jesus came before you did.
JewWario: Jesus was a false messiah, Viktor. The people thought he was the Son of God, but in reality he was just blessed by Talking Ben to be able to do stuff. Talking Ben gave him powers so he could convert people to Benism, but instead his believers started a new religion.
Orbán: Really? Wow, that is a lot.
JewWario: I understand that it may not be easy, but you need to understand, Talking Ben is the real god, and I am the real messiah.
Orbán: I'll try my best, JewWario.
[JewWario disappears and Orbán goes back to reading the Benist Bible; cut to him finishing it by next morning as Gyurcsány walks in]
Gyurcsány: Hey, Orbi. Wow, did you really spend all night reading the Benist Bible.
Orbán: Oh, I guess I did.
Gyurcsány: So… What do you think? Are you going to convert?
Orbán: Ehhhh. It's just that I've been raised Christian my whole life. Church is the most important thing in my life. But now this JewWario guy comes in and tells me that everything I knew was wrong and I need to convert…
Gyurcsány: Well, I personally think that if the messiah came down from Heaven and told you to convert to Benism, you probably should.
Orbán: Huh, maybe you're right.
Gyurcsány: Whatever. Do you want to have breakfast?
Orbán: Of course!
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány eating breakfast in front of a really big TV where a news report is happening]
Hungarian News Reporter: And uh, a child who was drafted by the Ukrainian military has died in a grenade accident.
Other News Reporter: Really? That's awful. I can't believe that a child was drafted into the war. Their parents must really have hated him.
Hungarian News Reporter: Roll the footage, please.
[Cut to Gary the Born Baby carrying grenades in Ukraine]
Soldier: GARY! BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE GRENADES! YOU COULD TRIP AND-
[Gary trips and all of the grenades explode despite the fact that that is not how grenades work]
Soldier: NO!!! NOT GARY THE BORN BABY!
[Zoom in on Gary dying]
Gary: Oh dear. I am certainly in a pickle right now. Uh, Aleksandr, tell my parents that they suck for drafting me.
Soldier: Okay…
[Gary stops existing; cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány crying watching TV]
Orbán: Wow, the world can really be cruel sometimes.
Gyurcsány: Yeah… Wanna make out?
Orbán: Yeah!
[The two begin kissing]
Karácsonyi: Uh, sir, are you going to work today?
Orbán: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Gyurcsány: AND GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
Karácsonyi: Okay, geez, I'm trying my best.
[Karácsonyi leaves; cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány at church]
Orbán: Well, this may or may not be the final time I come here.
Gyurcsány: Orbi, if you don't want to convert to Benism that's fine.
Orbán: No, no, I just wanted to come here a final time before moving on.
Priest: AHEM! Uh, hello once again audience!
Norbert: Hi church guy!
Priest: Yes, hello small child. So uh, today we shall discuss the worst thing in the history of humanity: Benism!
Orbán: WHAT?!
Priest: Quiet, please. Uh, Benism. The false religion that teaches that the universe was created by Talking Ben. I don't think I need to explain how stupid and blatantly false this is. And then the Benists say that the messiah is JewWario… Like, whoa! They're worshipping a sex offender!
[Orbán stands up]
Orbán: I'm sorry to interrupt you priest, but I'm afraid you've been misinformed. Benism is very cool and epic. And no, JewWario was not a sex offender. The people who say that are just xenophobes who hate Benists.
Priest: Uh, please sit down and, uh, stop interrupting my service.
Orbán: I can't believe you're teaching all the vulnerable people such hateful things. The Catholic Church has truly gone downhill and I will not stand for this.
Priest: Pastor, please get rid of this annoyance.
[The pastor walks to Orbán]
Orbán: Don't try to stop me from spreading the truth.
Pastor: Eh, I can't really do anything besides asking you nicely to leave.
Orbán: You know what? I will! I'm leaving church forever!
Priest: Good. And take your gay husband with you too.
Gyurcsány: Wow…
[Orbán and Gyurcsány walk out; the church is filled with silence for a few seconds as nobody quite knows what to say]
Norbert: What a meanie. He's worse than Eddy from Duolingo!
Priest: Uh, back to what I was saying.
[Cut to Orbán and Gyurcsány at their house]
Gyurcsány: Um, that just happened.
Orbán: Ye.
Gyurcsány: I guess you made your mind up about Benism.
Orbán: Ye. I'm Benist now!
Gyurcsány: That's cool. Honestly, I was never really into Christianity before. Perhaps I should convert to Benism as well.
Orbán: Well, if you want to, then sure.
Gyurcsány: Okay.
[Pause]
Gyurcsány: So whatever happened to your wife?
Orbán: My, uh, wife? Oh, she, uh, she divorced me.
Gyurcsány: Really? Did she find out about our affair?
Orbán: Oh, no, I only made love with you after the divorce.
Gyurcsány: Huh, yeah, that makes sense.
Orbán: Ye.
[Pause]
Orbán: What about your wife?
Gyurcsány: She never loved me. I only married her so my parents wouldn't call me a disappointment. We're still married, but I haven't really seen her in… A few years.
Orbán: Ah.
[Pause]
Gyurcsány: Well I think you should do some important prime ministerial paper work stuff.
Orbán: Yes, of course.
[Orbán's ex-wife Anikó Lévai bursts in through the window]
Anikó: ORBI!
Gyurcsány: God! Can you people stop breaking into our house?
Orbán: Anikó?! Did you, uh, did you hear about us talking about you?
Anikó: Yep. I hid cameras all over this house to keep you in check.
Orbán: What the fuck.
Anikó: So uh…
Gyurcsány: Do you want to-
Anikó: I kind of want to get back together with you, Orbi.
Orbán: Hm, I don't know about that.
Anikó: Come on! Please! I'm so lonely without you. Our children miss you…
Orbán: Anikó, our children are all adults.
Anikó: Okay, but… I love you.
Orbán: Weren't you the one who wanted to divorce.
Anikó: Well… Yeah but…
Gyurcsány: Anikó, Viktor is happily married with me.
Anikó: BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT…. I CAN COOK BREAKFAST BETTER!
Orbán: Fake news.
Anikó: Real news.
Orbán: Anikó, please, our relationship just didn't work out that well.
Anikó: Well fine. I guess I will just tell the press that you are a putrid BENIST.
Gyurcsány: Are you blackmailing him into marrying you?
Anikó: Yuh.
Orbán: I don't knowwww…
Anikó: Think about it! You can do anything! You can go anywhere! You just need to remarry me…
Orbán: Nah.
Anikó: You shouldn't have done that, Viktor Orbán! You'll rue this day, you'll rue it!
[Anikó jumps out of the window]
Orbán: Ok.
Gyurcsány: That was strange.
Orbán: What does rue even mean?
Gyurcsány: Whatever, back to work.
[Cut to them watching the news where Péter Márki-Zay is being interviewed the next morning whilst eating cereal]
Orbán: There's no way Anikó told the news about me being a Benist.
News Reporter: Uh, in other news, the Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán and his gay husband have been revealed to be Benist, according to Orbán's ex-wife Anikó Lévai.
Péter Márki-Zay: HAHAHA! WHAT A LOSER! GET A LOAD OF THIS FUCKING RETARD!
[Orbán spits his cereal out]
Orbán: That fucking bitch.
Gyurcsány: Oh no. Orbán, the people now know that we're both gay and Benist. Those are like the two most hated non-ethnic groups in Hungary…
Orbán. We're not in a very good situation right now.
[Gyurcsány opens Twitter]
Gyurcsány: Ah, they already doxed us.
Orbán: Well it was bound to happen eventually.
Gyurcsány: Fucking hell.
Orbán: Hey, hey, I know the perfect solution! Let's start a rumor about her!
Gyurcsány: That doesn't seem very nice.
Orbán: So? She just ruined our lives!
Gyurcsány: Well, she did, but… Alright, alright, let's calm down. We made it through the homophobia, surely we can make it through the Benphobia.
Orbán: You think so?
Gyurcsány: Well, if we believe hard enough…
Orbán: Gyurcsány, even if I get impeached or something for this, I won't really mind. I'll be happy as long as I'm with you.
Gyurcsány: I love you, Orbán.
Orbán: I love you too…
[The episode ends with the two passionately making out]