Tour de Chance/Script

EpicLLOYD: I’m not Nice Peter!
Nice Peter: And he’s not epic!
EpicLLOYD: And…woah man…that hurts…
Nice Peter: Oh, I’m sorry…
EpicLLOYD: Sometimes, you just…I dunno…but it hurts…
Nice Peter: I never meant what I said to you, Lloyd…
EpicLLOYD: It’s just…you never think about how it feels to me…
Nice Peter: Oh man, I’m just so sorry…
EpicLLOYD: Hug it out?
Nice Peter: Hug it out, bro…
*Lloyd and Peter hug it out*
Macho Man: That’s…so…beautiful…*sniff*
EpicLLOYD: …and you just got Punk’d!
Nice Peter: Loser!
Macho Man: Why must you torment me in these ways?
EpicLLOYD: Here on Total Drama ERB!
*The scene transitions to the house, where Vader, Eve, and Dynamite are watching T.V. with blank, emotionless faces.*
Napoleon Dynamite: So, how we gonna get rid of him?
Darth Vader: Kill him?
Napoleon Dynamite: That’s a bit dark…
Eve: Tie him to a motor boat and have it drive off the island?
Napoleon Dynamite: Too easy to escape…
Darth Vader: Make him stay in a room with Goku?
Napoleon Dynamite: Why the hell would we do that?
Eve: Beat him in the challenge?
Napoleon Dynamite: Why didn’t I think of that, gosh?
*Justin Bieber walks downstairs and looks at the group.*
Justin Bieber: Whaddya do-ing?
Napoleon Dynamite: He senses our fear.
Justin Bieber: Is that why it smells like someone sharted Taco Bell here? Or did Jordan leave his panties here?
Darth Vader: They sense movement…don’t move.
Justin Bieber: No really, it smells like a porta-potty here.
Eve: It’s sniffing him…
Justin Bieber: What?
Napoleon Dynamite: Bieber is no more…
Justin Bieber: What’s sniffing me-GAH!
*Bieber turns around to see a giant moose eating his jacket.*
Justin Bieber: GET IT OFF ME!
Napoleon Dynamite: He is…no more.
Nice Peter: Challenge time!
*The scene transitions to the final 4 at a giant oval track with a patch of grass in the middle, with 2 bikes, a go-kart, a scooter, barrels and hay bales.*
Nice Peter: We need to hurry, we rented this. Ladies and gentleman, Lance Armstrong!
*Lance Armstrong steps out from behind Peter, and waves to the group.*
Lance Armstrong: Today, you guys will, for the first third, race on this track. You must succeed 4 laps. No cheating. Trust me, I learned…
Justin Bieber: I didn’t.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yet.
Justin Bieber: Oh, please.
Nice Peter: Choose a ride!
*Bieber grabs the kart before anyone else moves, Eve and Napoleon take bikes and Vader gets the scooter.*
Darth Vader: Pathetic…
Justin Bieber: I’m set, baby!
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh, why’d I get the bike with the pink streamers?
Eve: Just rip them out.
Darth Vader: Just take my scooter if it bothers you.
Napoleon Dynamite: Nah, I’m fine.
Nice Peter: Ready…
*Darth Vader balances on his scooter, Napoleon and Eve lean on their bikes, and Bieber sits back in his go-kart with its engine revving.*
Nice Peter: Set…
Justin Bieber: I’m ready, bitch! Start already! Nice Peter: Go!
*All the contestants take off, with Bieber taking the lead, Vader in last, and Napoleon and Eve closing in on Bieber.*
Darth Vader: Damned metal scrap!
Eve: We’re only worrying about passing Bieber, not each other.
Darth Vader: Well I can only go so fast on this piece of shit!
Napoleon Dynamite: Move like you’re running!
Eve: I’m about to pass Bieber!
*Eve begins catching up with Bieber, who tries ramming his kart into her bike, but she pedals harder away from him.*
Justin Bieber: Hey, get back here!
*Napoleon passes up Bieber.*
Napoleon Dynamite: Suck it, loser!
Justin Bieber: You’re one to talk, jewfro mistake! Get back here!
Darth Vader: This darn piece of shit won’t go any faster!
*Vader puts his foot on the ground and pushes off, going a lot faster.*
Darth Vader: Oh…
Justin Bieber: You’re an idiot, Vade-
*Vader passes Bieber on his scooter.*
Justin Bieber: Oh hell no! Come back!
Darth Vader: Don’t count on it, Canadian!
Justin Bieber: Can this shit go any faster?
EpicLLOYD: And Napoleon and Eve are onto the second lap!
Justin Bieber: Oh, come on!
Napoleon Dynamite: See you…never, Bieber!
*Napoleon pedals past Bieber as fast as he can and flips him off.*
Justin Bieber: I’m getting somewhere with this…right?
EpicLLOYD: Second lap for Vader!
Eve: Have fun losing.
*Eve drifts past Bieber, who’s pushing every button to go fast.*
EpicLLOYD: Bring out the flaming barrels, Lance!
Lance Armstrong: Are you sure about this?
EpicLLOYD: Sure about what?
Lance Armstrong: Forget it…
*Lance rolls out flaming barrels onto the track.*
Darth Vader: Holy shit that can’t be legal…
Justin Bieber: Is this safe?
Nice Peter: I think the correct question is, “is it not safe”.
Justin Bieber: I’m pretty sure it’s not.
Nice Peter: No one asked you, shut up.
Justin Bieber: Then what was…forget it.
EpicLLOYD: Second lap for Bieber!
Justin Bieber: Finally…
*J.P. Morgan runs up to Peter and Lloyd panting.*
J.P. Morgan: The guys who rented the track are here already…
Nice Peter: Okay, and?
J.P. Morgan: They intend on using it.
*Two go-karts ramp off a hill behind Morgan and onto the track, skidding to a stop as the drivers can be seen.*
Mario: Arite, this track is-a ours!
Luigi: Hey-a, that guy’s-a playing with us, too!
*Luigi points at Bieber, racing his go-kart after Vader.*
Mario: Let’s-a get him!
Luigi: Yeah!
*Luigi and Mario take after Bieber, unaware of the situation.*
EpicLLOYD: Third laps for Napoleon and Eve!
Napoleon Dynamite: What the hell are those two doing here?
Eve: I dunno, just ignore them.
Mario: Come-a back, you freak! Imma win!
Justin Bieber: What?
*Mario throws a green shell at Bieber, hitting him in the back of the head.*
Justin Bieber: Ow! Dick!
Napoleon Dynamite: If I could, I’d stop to watch this.
Luigi: That-a trophy is mine!
Justin Bieber: Ross would be having a riot with this…
*Mario throws another shell at Bieber, this time hitting his back bumper, causing it to begin to scrape on the ground.*
Justin Bieber: CUT IT OUT!
Mario: IMMA WIN!
EpicLLOYD: Third lap for Vader!
Justin Bieber: Hey, get this ass off my back!
Eve: That’s supposed to be there. It’s called anatomy.
Justin Bieber: Enjoy this while you can, I’ll still win.
*Vader catches up with Napoleon and Eve.*
Darth Vader: So…who paid them to be here?
Napoleon Dynamite: No one. This is just really good luck.
EpicLLOYD: Vader, Napoleon and Eve are reaching their final lap, and Bieber is somewhat stuck on his second!
Justin Bieber: Oh come on! I’m gonna win even if I have to run them over!
Luigi: NO! IMMA WIN!
*Luigi throws a blue shell at Bieber, whose go-kart is blown up and sends him flying into the air, dropping him in a puddle in the middle of the track.*
Luigi: I win!
Justin Bieber: No, no you don’t! Asshole!
Nice Peter: Vader, Eve, and Napoleon tie, leaving Bieber in last! One more challenge left!
Justin Bieber: I’m still going to have the last laugh.
*The scene cuts to a baseball field, where Babe Ruth is standing with an automatic baseball shooting machine.*
EpicLLOYD: Say hello to Babe Ruth!
*The four look at him awkwardly while Bieber tries fixing his hair and wiping the mixture of smoke, mud and grass from his face.*
Babe Ruth: Or don’t, you assholes.
Eve: So…the challenge…
Babe Ruth: Oh, so that’s what you want? Don’t care for the man and his emotions, only the money…I like the way you think.
Eve: What?
Darth Vader: I don’t understand.
Babe Ruth: Today, we’re gonna play baseball! Sorta. You got 3 tries to hit the ball. You get one point for hitting it the third try, two the second, and 100 the first.
Darth Vader: Woah…that’s a jump in points.
Babe Ruth: First up…nerd guy.
Justin Bieber: Mr. Ruth…I like this guy.
*Napoleon steps up to bat, looking at the machine and staring it down intensely.*
Babe Ruth: Ball one, coming up!
*Babe Ruth fires up the machine, which shoots one ball to Napoleon, who tries to hit the ball, but misses.*
Babe Ruth: No point!
Napoleon Dynamite: Gosh!
Justin Bieber: Ha.
Napoleon Dynamite: Eh, two points will do…
*Napoleon stares at the machine again, getting ready to hit the ball.*
Babe Ruth: Ball two, coming up!
*Ruth fires up the machine again, and Napoleon swings, only to miss again.*
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh!
Justin Bieber: Ha! Loser!
Babe Ruth: Zero points! Third ball, coming up!
*Napoleon hits the third ball up into the air, and it comes down, landing on Bieber’s foot.*
Justin Bieber: Oh come on!
Babe Ruth: Up next, Suit Man!
Justin Bieber: Don’t use the force, Vader.
Darth Vader: Wouldn’t plan on it…
Babe Ruth: Ball one, coming up!
*Babe Ruth fires the machine up, sending a ball to Vader, which he hits all the way across the island.*
Justin Bieber: Cheater!
Babe Ruth: Ball two, coming up!
Justin Bieber: He has 100 points, is this really necessary?
*Babe Ruth fires the machine up again, and Vader hits the ball a second time.*
Justin Bieber: Oh come on!
Darth Vader: Damn, must be my lucky day.
Babe Ruth: Ball three, coming up!
*Vader hits the ball a third time.*
Justin Bieber: Bullshit! I call cheating!
*Vader smacks Bieber, then wipes off his glove on his shirt.*
Darth Vader: You might wanna clean your face.
Babe Ruth: Up next, the other babe here!
Eve: Watch it, fatso.
Justin Bieber: Says the one who dated Adam.
Eve: Don’t make me-forget it, you’re wasting air.
Babe Ruth: Ball one, coming up!
*Eve gets ready to hit the ball, which flies over her shoulder and hits Bieber in the stomach.*
Justin Bieber: F…fuck!
Napoleon Dynamite: Oh look, baby said its first words.
*Vader and Dynamite fist-pound.*
Babe Ruth: Ball two, coming up!
*Eve hits the ball across the island.*
Justin Bieber: Ha, getting your ass kicked by a girl, Dynamite.
Napoleon Dynamite: So?
Babe Ruth: Ball three, coming up!
*Eve hits the ball across the island.*
Babe Ruth: Wouldn’t expect any less from a lovely lady like you!
Eve: Thanks?
Babe Ruth: Up next, ugly moron!
Justin Bieber: He means you, Napoleon.
Babe Ruth: Ball one, coming up!
*Babe Ruth fires the machine to a distracted Bieber, who is then hit in the nuts with the ball, and he then falls to the ground in the fetal position grabbing his groin.*
Justin Bieber: M…f…GAH!
Babe Ruth: Ball two, coming up!
*The ball is fired over Bieber, who’s lying on the ground still, flying over a fence.*
Babe Ruth: Ball three, coming up!
Luigi: IMMA WIN!
*Luigi throws a blue shell at Bieber, causing him to fly off the ground and land on his back.*
Justin Bieber: We aren’t even racing, you ass!
Luigi: Imma win!
Justin Bieber: Fuck off!
EpicLLOYD: Well, that went fast. Eh, to the ceremony!
*The scene transitions to the elimination ceremony, where Eve, Napoleon Dynamite and Vader all sit back and relax while Bieber is glancing nervously.*
Justin Bieber: So, when’re they gonna go vote?
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: As long as I can rig it, I’m fine…except for my back…ow…
EpicLLOYD: Cleopatra’s the last person to be voted off, bub. You’re done.
Justin Bieber: …what?
EpicLLOYD: Dock time!
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, well, well…this is a dream right here.
*The scene cuts to the docks late at night, where Clone Goku is pushing Bieber.*
Clone Goku: Go into the barrel! C’mon. Don’t make me sting you!
Justin Bieber: No! This must be a fake elimination again! R-right?
EpicLLOYD: Sorry, dude, nope.
Justin Bieber: This can’t be!
EpicLLOYD: Fine. Hulk? Ma–
Napoleon Dynamite: We’ll handle it.
*Napoleon Dynamite, Eve, and Darth Vader walk over and lift up Justin Bieber.*
Justin Bieber: Put me down!
Eve: Nope, douchebag.
Darth Vader: The prophecy must be averted.
Napoleon Dynamite: For Miley and for Poe, into the barrel you shall go.
Darth Vader: For Al, you sick bastard.
Justin Bieber: I got all the drama! All the ratings come from me!
EpicLLOYD: Apparently, they all hate you. And this was way overdue.
*Darth Vader slams Justin Bieber down the barrel, Napoleon Dynamite shuts down the lid, and Eve kicks it.*
Justin Bieber: Ow!!
EpicLLOYD: Will Justin Bieber ever shut up in that barrel? Will the prophecy come true? Will Tina II ever get out of that bathtub? And who will reach the finale? Find out on–
Napoleon Dynamite: -Total-
Darth Vader: -Drama-
Eve: ERB!
EpicLLOYD: That’s my line!
*Luigi throws a blue shell at Bieber’s barrel, knocking it into the water.*
Luigi: I won.
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script