Redd Army

Redd Army is the fourth episode of the mini-series SBFW Crossing.
== Transcript ==
(The episode opens with Tom Nook pushing Crazy, Matchy and Polar into a cage in Nook's Cranny's basement.)
Polar: Ow!
(Tom locks the door.)
Matchy: So let me get this straight, you're a communist?
Tom: I prefer the term "marxist"...
Crazy: I always thought of you as a devoted capitalist.
Tom: Well, I suppose I do come across that way. But think about it! Who's in charge here?
Matchy: (confused) You?
Tom: Yes! And who owns all the businesses here?
(silence)
Tom: I do! And all my friends, that work for me. And what do you use to pay if your debt?
Crazy: (even more confused) Money?
Tom: And how do you get this money?
Crazy: By selling stuff to… (pause) you?!
Tom: Yes, yes!
(the three collectively let out an "oh" in realisation)
Polar: So we've been living in a communist dictatorship this entire time?
Tom: (angry) A marxist democracy! The west has taught you to hate our kind and I was gonna use this island as a means to fulfill the prophecy laid out by the holy Karl! (puts his hands together) God bless you…
Matchy: So, um, can we go now?
Tom: Of course not! You know too much! The others can't know my true intentions or I'll never succeed! Plus, I need to know what you saw in the future.
Crazy: We'll never tell you!
Tom: I figured. That's why I've got Timothy and Thomas to torture you!
Polar: You're a monster!
Tom: No, Polar. (pause) I'm just a raccoon! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to find, um, you and get the retardis back!
(he leaves)
Crazy: What's that supposed to me-
Matchy: He's going off to find us travelling through time! If he takes the time machine from us we would have never seen the future and discovered the truth about him!
Polar: And I wouldn't even be here!
Crazy: But that's a good thing, right? Because we wouldn't be stuck here anymore!
Matchy: No, Aidan, that's terrible! We wouldn't know that Nook's evil, and he'll probably succeed with his plans and we'll be stuck living in a dictatorship!
Crazy: That doesn't sound too bad.
(pause)
Matchy: With Nook as the dictator!
(Crazy screams and we cut to him waking up from a sleep.)
Crazy: Oh, it was all a dream!
(The camera zooms out revealing that he is still in the jail cell with Polar and Matchy.)
Crazy: F**k!
Polar: Morning, comrade.
Crazy: That's not funny!
Matchy: Coming from the guy who was more concerned about a review of his spin-off when someone was grieving the loss of their relative.
Crazy: Touché. How long have we been in here for?
Polar: An hour.
Crazy: AN HOUR?!
Matchy: Yeah, you dozed off for twenty minutes.
Polar: We've been watching Vailskibum to pass the time.
Crazy: I thought we all hated him.
Matchy: Yeah, it's the only thing Timmy and Tommy have been letting us watch.
(the camera zooms out to reveal Timmy and Tommy watching them)
Tommy: hi
Crazy: Wait, THIS is our torture? I was expecting something a little more, well you know… painful.
Timmy: We don't believe in violence.
Tommy: As they say, "blood will cause even more blood".
Crazy: Pretty sure that's not the sayin-
Timmy: (snaps) CALM DOWN WE'RE ONLY EIGHT!
(pause)
Matchy: You're… eight?
Tommy: Yeah, I know. Pretty sure it's illegal for our master to work us this hard.
Polar: Wow, sorry guys.
Timmy: It's okay, our entire life has been like this.
Tommy: Since our parents died, nobody has wanted us. Except Nook, for labour.
Crazy: Jeez, I hate that guy even more now.
Tommy: (scared) No! You can't hate him! He's brilliant! He will make the world strong again!
Timmy: (scared) We didn't tell you anything!
Polar: Guys, do you get the feeling that Nook's so-called "friends" aren't even on his side?
Matchy: I dunno, these guys are being pretty friendly to us.
Crazy: What does it matter? Soon, Nook will probably get the time machine from our old selves and we won't even know about any of this anyway.
Matchy: He hasn't got it yet.
Timmy: And hopefully he never will.
Tommy: -will.
Timmy: If this island goes communist-
Tommy: -that could be disastrous.
Matchy: Wait a second, did Nook make the time machine?
(the twins laugh at this)
Tommy: Of course not!
Timmy: Blathers did!
Tommy: The poor thing had no idea what Nook wanted to use it for though.
Crazy: But what did he want to use it for?
Tommy: Manipulating time, duh!
Timmy: Before we started this package we hopped on over to Russia, China and Korea all the time.
Tommy: He liked seeing communism rise and fall first-hand.
Polar: How'd he get so interested in communism, anyway?
Tommy: Well…
(cut to the islanders at the grand-opening ceremony of the museum)
Tom: And with that said, I'd like to pronounce the Hoopland museum… open!
(Blathers cuts the ribbon and everyone reluctantly cheers)
Jasbre: (sarcastically) Yay… Can we go home now?
Tom: Not before we take a picture.
(the islanders collectively sigh as Tom makes them gather around to take a picture)
Tom: Come along now. (he gets his phone to take a selfie) Say turnips!
All: (forcefully) turnips…
(Tom takes a selfie, although he's blocking most of the picture, and everyone quickly runs off)
Tom: (annoyed) Yeah, that's right! Run away from old Tom!
(Cut to a rusty old ship sailing the ocean. A fox is steering it.)
Redd: Blimey! Who would reckon that sailing a ship would be so bloody hard? I'm cream crack- YIKES!
(he notices a rock in front of him but steers away just in time)
Redd: Whew, that could have been a pain.
(he notices that he's approaching an island)
Redd: Land ahoy! Let's see what suckers live here.
(he laughs as he parks the ship at the back island where it is somewhat hidden)
Redd: Now let's go find some bottom-feeders.
(cut to Jasbre, Lock and Purple sitting on a lot drinking coffee)
Jasbre: Yes.
Lock: Yes.
Purple: Yes.
(Lock notices Redd and points at him)
Lock: OH MY GOD, GUYS! IT'S SWIPER!
Jasbre: Lock, why does every fox you see have to be Swiper?
Lock: I dunno man but I haven't seen him around here before.
Purple: Must be a visitor.
Jasbre: Like that Daisy chick.
Purple: Dude, you do realise how weird it is that you have the hots for Daisy Mae, right?
Jasbre: That's implying you've had a good track record with girls…
Lock: Guys, shut up! Let's just go talk to the fox dude.
(they approach Redd)
Lock: Hey, Swiper! Where's Dora?
Redd: (annoyed) Yeah, yeah, everyone hates foxes, I get this all the- (pause) Hang on, (chuckles) that's a good one, friend! You know, we both have the same sense of humour.
Lock: We've literally just me-
Redd: You know, I like you. We're like cousins, you know.
Purple: Okay, this is weird…
Jasbre: Who are you?
Redd: Allow me to introduce myself! My name is Reginald Bowser.
Lock: Reginald Bowser? Isn't that a wanted criminal?
Redd: (nervously laughing) Sorry, did I say Reginald Bowser? I meant, um, Reddinald Bowser! Yeah, completely different! People call me Redd.
(pause)
Lock, Jasbre, Purple: Ohhhhhh…..
Jasbre: So what are you up to on Hoopland, Redd?
Redd: Hoopland? Is that this place's name?! Well, I'm a travelling merchant sailing the seas far and wide for suck- I mean, lovely cousins to sell my products to!
Purple: Products? What kind of products?
Redd: (smoking a cigarette) Oh, you know, cutlery, CDs, DVDs, that sort of thing… Tell you what, I have a lovely genuine eleventeen carat gold watch in my showroom for the low-low price of you're entire life savings, if you're interested.
Jasbre: Um, I think I'll pass on that.
Purple: So, where's your ship?
Redd: Oh, it's parked inconspicuously at the back of the island.
Lock: You mean that old banger we're tearing apart for scrap metal?
Redd: (terrified) OLD BESSY?!
(He runs to his ship, the trio follow him. Unfortunately, the ship is still intact.)
Redd: Whew, that was a scare. Anyway, since we're cousins, and I don't offer this to any old Joe, why don't you come and have a look around?
Jasbre: Uh… sure?
Redd: Lovely jubbly! Come on then!
(he boards the ship)
Purple: Guys, are sure this is safe? It seems a bit shady…
Jasbre: Come on guys, when have I ever let you down before?
(Purple and Lock stare at him blankly)
Jasbre: Just come on, I'm bored.
(they board the ship)
Redd: Ah, welcome aboard Redd's Emporium of… I dunno, I actually haven't thought of a name yet but let's look around!
(he shows them a plastic set of cutlery)
Redd: Feast your eyes on this genuine set of silver cutlery. I sold a pair to Elon Musk last week, I must say, he was rather impressed.
Lock: Um, these are plastic.
(pause)
Redd: Yeah, fine. But look over here!
(he shows to them to a children's alphabet chart you find in dollar stores)
Redd: Look, an alphabet chart! Now you can learn all the 27 letters in the alphabet from A to Y!
Purple: There is so much wrong about that sentence.
Jasbre: I'm pretty sure we all know the alphabet here.
Redd: (muttering) Tough crowd.
(Lock walks over to a couple of paintings designed to mimic famous ones but with various errors - e.g. the Mona Lisa has a big nose akin to Squidward.)
Lock: Woah, you're selling the Mona Lisa?!
Redd: Oho, you're an artist too are you? I've always had a passion for the arts since I was a cub. My favourite painter has always been Freddie Mercury. "Rock You Like a Hurricane" looks so beautiful hung on my wall back at Blue Sands, my hometown.
Purple: I wonder if that underbaked brownie Blathers would be interested in displaying any of these in the museum.
(Redd's heart sinks)
Redd: (terrified) Bla- Blathers? Blathers is here?
Jasbre: You know him? I bet he'd be delighted to see you again!
Redd: (nervously laughing) Heh-heh, yeah, you know I think I've forgotten something back at-
Jasbre: No need to be shy Redd, come on. We'll walk with you.
(Jasbre puts his hand around Redd's neck and they all begin walking towards the museum)
Redd: You know, I honestly don't think that would be-
(cut back to Polar, Crazy and Matchy in the cage)
Matchy: So… um, how long are we gonna be in here for?
Timmy: Until Master gets the time machine back.
Tommy: Which, if we're being honest, could be a while.
(pause)
Polar: So, like, seeing as we're all good couldn't you just let us g-
Timmy & Tommy: No!
Tommy: We'd get twenty lashes or something if we did that!
Tommy: -that!
Polar: (sighs) Fine.
(pause)
Matchy: Hang on, what if Nook wasn't your master?
Timmy: What do you mean?
Matchy: Since we all know the island gets burned down very soon, we need to get the hell out of here! So why don't we all just board a plane and leave!
(Timmy and Tommy stare at him, confused)
Timmy: This island…
Tommy: Gets burned down soon?
Matchy: (nervous) Yeah… (pause) You're not gonna tell Nook are you?
Timmy: We kinda have to.
Tommy: (shrugs) Sorry.
(Crazy punches Matchy)
Crazy: Now look what you've done!
Matchy: I didn't know they were that loyal to him!
Polar: They must be terrified of the guy...
Matchy: (to Timmy and Tommy) But he won't be your master as soon as we get on that plane!
Timmy: But-
Matchy: But nothing! You have to trust me!
(Timmy and Tommy think about it)
Matchy: It's for the greater good.
(flashback to the previous episode)
???: I'm sorry about this, but it's for the greater good…
(cut back)
Matchy: We can't let ourselves get caught up in the future.
Timmy: Face it guys, we're just gonna have to accept our fate.
(pause)
Matchy: Don't you guys ever dream? Why accept your fate when you can be the ones to write it?
(Timmy and Tommy look at eachother)
Timmy and Tommy: OK!! We're in!!
(they let them out the cage)
Crazy: HOOPLA!!! Freedom at last!
Polar: We were in there for an hour…
(cut to Jasbre, Purple, Lock and Redd entering the museum. Tom is in there with Blathers.)
Jasbre: Hey, Blathers, we'e got an old friend to s-
Tom: (gasps) REGINALD!
Redd: (terrified) NOOK! (nervously chuckles) Fancy seeing you here! How are you? Anything good happen recently?! Heh-heh…
Tom: (furious) You sure have some balls stepping even one foot on my island!
Redd: Actually, I don't have any balls. See? I'm butt-naked save for this apron. Also, I didn't know it was your island unti-
Tom: (furious) I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO! AFTER YOU STOLE ME OF MY CAPITAL, TOOK AWAY EVERY PENNY I OWNED!
Redd: (insincere) Okay, okay! I'm sorry! It was an accident!
Tom: YOU BETTER BE!
Purple: Woah, man. Redd robbed you of every penny you owned?
Lock: (what a twist!)
Tom: (sad) Yes. It was many years ago. I had a dream. A dream to move to the city and strike it rich. I was going to write my fate and go down as the biggest bellionaire in the history of capitalism!
(cut to a flashback where we see a young Tom working as a cleaner in a small store)
Tom: (narrating) But the working conditions were harsh, and the pay was even harsher.
(cut to a young Tom in a tent with a younger Redd)
Tom: (narrating) Then I met Redd. He promised me everything I dreamed of. My future seemed bright. Maybe success was in my fate after all.
(cut to Tom working as the manager in an estate agent called "Nook's Homes")
Tom: (narrating) But I fell for his tricks. And just when it seemed that I had done what I had set out to do.
(Redd enters)
Young Redd: Nook! You owe me!
Young Tom: Reggie! I thought I'd already deposited your share into the ABD.
Young Redd: Oh, Thomas. You're so naive. I get this all the time! Why does no one ever bother to… (he holds out a contract) read the fine print!
(Young Redd gives an evil smirk as Young Tom bares a face of terror. We cut to later the same day, where Tom is packing up everything in the shop.)
Tom: (narrating) I lost everything that day.
(cut to Tom arguing with two hedgehogs)
Tom: (narrating) I even pushed away my closest friends. I couldn't even trust them anymore.
(cut to Tom finding Timmy and Tommy in a dark alleyway)
Tom: And so I found Timmy and Tommy. I raised them like my own sons. And I vowed from that day forward to never let anything like that happen again.
(cut back to the present)
Redd: (sarcastically) Oh, wow! That sob story almost had me in tears, cousin! Golden buzzer! It's straight to the semi-finals for you!
Lock: I'm sorry, man.
Tom: (grinning) Oh don't be. In not long we'll be living in a fairer society. An equal society. A society where nothing like that will ever happen again...
(pause)
Jasbre: Guys, I think the man's gone mental.
(Tom lets out an evil laugh)
Purple: Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
Lock: Me too.
(the three swiftly leave as the episode ends)
"To be continued"
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