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The outing. Right, class six. RIGHT, class six! I'm talking! I'M talking! I want COMPLETE quiet! And that includes you, David Alexander. Yes, you. No need to turn around, David, there aren't any other David Alexanders here, are there? Louise, it isn't absolutely necessary for your watch to play us "London's Burning" just now, is it?
Right, as you know, it was our plan to go out today to the... science museum. Now, I had hoped that it wouldn't be necessary for me to tell you- yes, you as well, Abdul. You're in class six as well, aren't you? I saw that, Mark! I saw that! Any more, and it'll be out! No trip! NOTHING! I HAD hoped that it wouldn't be necessary for me to tell you how to BEHAVE when we go on a trip, BUT... and this is a big but... you haven't heard a word I've said, have you, Donna? This is a BIG BUT, I have to tell you how to behave, don't I? Why? Yes, it is because you never listen, but there's another reason, isn't there? Yes, Warren. Because of what happened last time. Let's remind ourselves of a few things, shall we? The food... even as I speak! Would you believe it? I can see that Fan has opened her can of drink! I don't... I don't believe it! I really don't! Do we have lunch at nine-thirty at school? No! We have lunch at twelve-fifteen, but Fan, you've already begun yours. If you remember last time, Joanna had eaten all her sandwiches before she even got to school, Lloyd sat on his orange and burst it, and Alfred put one of those little chocolate Swiss rolls in his pocket, and yes, it melted. Yes. So remember, lunch is when? Yes, yes, yes... of course, lunch is at lunchtime, but WHEN? Twelve-fifteen. Correct. Now, perhaps, I thought, when I got up this morning, I won't have to tell class six about what to do when we get to the station. But then I remembered David's little gang who decided they wouldn't wait for me for tell them what train to get on, and before we all knew it David and his little gang were heading for the seaside on their own. Now, when we get to the museu- of course, you're not listening, are you Lydia? But then of course your didn't listen last time, did you, and then you wondered why you sat on Lloyd's orange after Lloyd had already sat on it once! When we get to the museum, do we run about the corridors? Do we run around screaming? Do we go sliding on the shiny floors? No we don't, no we don't, no we- thank you, Mervin! That's enough! I'm very glad you've got jam in your sandwiches, Mervin. We're all glad you've got jam in your sandwiches, Mervin, but what's it got to do with sliding on the floor of the science museum? Precisely nothing! I'm very sorry Mervin, but nobody, nobody at all, wants to know about the jam in your sandwiches, Mervin! Now, when you're ready, when you're quiet, we'll all go- that doesn't mean leaping up in the air, does it, Karen? Louise, why is your watch now playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow"? Yes, I know it could be "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow", Zoey, but that isn't what we're talking about now, is it? MERVIN! If I hear about your sandwiches, your jam, or the jam in your sandwiches, if I hear about any of it once more, I shall give them to the ducks. Yes, John! What do you want? ... I don't know WHAT ducks, John. ANY ducks! Right! When there's COMPLETE quiet... COMPLETE QUIET, you'll find your partners and stand by the door... oh, no... not one of those... (heh) not ANOTHER one of those little chocolate Swiss rolls again, Alfred. Surely not. Marcia, you cannot have Charmaine and Donna as your PARTNER, because that makes three and three doesn't mean PARTNER, does it? And perhaps you could put your comb in your bag for at least three seconds, just giving us enough time to get to the door? Hm? Right, okay then, class six, we're off! ... Why not leave your watch behind, Louise? Hm?
A ball. Laura laughs if she sees a ball bounce. I don't think it's funny. I wonder if I used to laugh at a ball bouncing when I was two, like Laura. And if I used to laugh, why did I stop?
Cool Guy and Fool Guy. Cool Guy met Fool Guy going down the street. Said Cool Guy to Fool Guy, who you gonna meet? Said Fool Guy to Cool Guy, I don't want no meat! Said Cool Guy to Fool Guy, I mean meet, not meat!
Eileen. My name is Eileen Ogle, and I run a dancing school. My name is Eileen Ogle, and my sister is a fool. My name is Eileen Ogle, I teach little girls to dance. My name is Eileen Ogle, and I'm living in a trance.
Deep down. Deep down where I don't know, deep down inside, there's a place, so sad. Such a sad, sad place. Sometimes it fills up, and it fills up, and it fills up, and overflows in my eyes. And all of me is, so sad, such a sad, sad place.
George. George said sometimes my dad doesn't shave and his face is all prickly. The new teacher said, "What does your mother say about that?" And George didn't say anything. Clair said, "His mum don't live with his dad," and the teacher said, "Don't say don't, say doesn't." And Clair said, "I live with my auntie."
Conversations with a Two Year Old. Do you want an apple? No. What do you want, then? An apple. Do you want something to eat? No. Do you want some puffed wheat? Yes! What are you doing? Got my pockets in my hands. What's the time? Twenty-four hours ago. Go wash your hands in the bathroom. My hands aren't in the bathroom! What's the matter? I've got a headache in my foot. Now what's the matter? I've got a tummyache in my head. Are you all right? I done saw a funny noise.
Far away. I want to tell you about a place I went, far, far away. I sat on the grass with someone there, I sat on the grass with someone who loved me, I've never seen her again and I don't think I'll ever see that place I went, far, far away.
Box. I made a box, with a lid, and locks, big enough for me to sit in. I took the chance, climbed in, and bolted the lid above me. I'd made the walls of my box so that they could move in towards me. The sides and the top could come closer and closer towards me simply by my turning a handle from the inside of my box. Now that I was inside with the lid shut, I turned the handle and the box closed on me. I could feel the bolts in the walls digging into my skin. I could feel my neck being squashed down. I felt like clothes in a suitcase. My arms binding my body up. I stopped still, feeling the feeling of it. Look what I've made for myself. Look what I'm doing. Look at the box. Though you won't see me. I'm on the inside. Walnut in its shell.
Fridge. Once, I went to the fridge, saw our jug in there and I thought, "What's in it?" A syrup. What syrup? Smell it. *sniff* Mmm! Smells nice. Finger in. Lick it. *slurp* *click* Tastes nice. Lift the jug and drink a bit. *slurp* *click* Oh, this is good. This is... *slurp* *click* PEACH SYRUP! Tinned peach syrup! What a drink! So I drank the lot. *SLUUURP* *click* Not long after, a few days later, I went to the fridge again, saw our jug in there. What's in it? A syrup. What syrup? Smell it. *sniff* Mmmm! Oh yes, this is peach syrup again! Lift the jug, and drink! *slurp* And drink some more! *slurp* And drink some more! *slurp* *click* Ahhh! Drink the lot! Not long after, a few days later, I went to the fridge, saw our jug in there. What's in it? A syrup. Yes! Here we go again! Lift the jug and fill my mouth with that thick sweet juice! *SLUUURP* *WARGHBGL* This isn't peach, this is... *BLEAGHAGH* My mouth is full of oil! Thick cooking oil! I wonder who put that there.
Fast food. A hamburger sat in a hamburger bar, waiting to be fried. No one's gonna put me, it said, into anyone's inside. 'Cause eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. So up jumped the hamburger, and ran out of the bar. Hey, come back here!, said the hamburger cook. You won't get very far. But hamburger rolled out of the door, and off down the street. Who'd you think what the first person hamburger happened to meet? Lollipop lady was walking home with a lollipop in her hand! Get out of the way!, hamburger yelled. I'm the fastest in the land! Catch that hamburger!, the cook yelled out. So lollipop lady turned, and gave hamburger a shout. Hey!, little hamburger! You can't run away! But as hamburger rushed past, he just had time to say, eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. Hamburger cook and lollipop lady ran off down the street. And who'd you think was the next person hamburger happened to meet? Lemonade boy with lemonade bottles was loading up the van, when hamburger rushed past, shouting, I'm the fastest in the land! Catch that hamburger, said hamburger cook. It's trying to run away! We're gonna catch the little--- Lollipop lady began to say. I'll catch it, said lemonade boy. I'm really fast! But just then he heard hamburger shout, as it went hurtling past, eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. So hamburger cook and lollipop lady, followed by lemonade boy, ran off up the street, shouting hamburger! ahoy! Hamburger rolled and hamburger ran and hamburger couldn't be caught. And hamburger rolled and hamburger ran, right into an airport. Stop right there, said security guard. Where do you think you're trying to go? I'm just a little hamburger, it said, and I don't know where to go! For a moment it stood in front of the guard, and it darted past. You won't catch me, it shouted. You can't run very fast! Eating me is cruel, eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. Hamburger rolled through the terminal and out onto the runway. It ran up to a plane to Jamaica that was waiting to get away. The aeroplane took off and flew into the air, and all the people heard something, as they were standing there. Eating me is murder, you can't catch me, I'm the speedy hamburger. *qwoooooo*
Babysitter. Sometimes my mum and dad used to go out. This meant that my brother had to babysit me. He hated it, because I just wouldn't go to bed when he told me to. He was four years older than me - well, actually, he, he still is. He'd shout, he'd rant and rave, "Will you go to bed?!" But I never went, until I heard the front door open, with mum and dad coming back, and then I'd be upstairs, into bed, in a flash. Anyway, after a few months of this, my mum and dad tried something new. Just before they went out, they said, "Right, Mick, you go to bed before we go out, and you stay there!" "Okay," I said, "Okay! Yeah! Okay!" And off I went to bed. I lay there, waiting to hear the front door close. Slam! And straight away, I was out the bed, down the stairs, into my brother's room. There he is, sitting there, reading. First of all, he tries "I'm not taking any notice of Michael". He goes on reading. I think, I'll make him notice! I put my face behind the book, with my eye peeping round the edge of the book. Every time he gets to the end of a line, his eye looks into my eye. He tries to pretend I'm not there. It's no good. He can't. My eye is peeping away like mad, round the edge of the book. He starts to laugh. "Look, heh heh, yeah, look..." he says, "This isn't fair! You promised you'd stay in bed! I'll tell 'em! I'll tell 'em! I will!" So now I go and stand by the door. And I fiddle. I make little rattly noises with the handle and the key. Fiddle diddle. *click* Riddle diddle. *click click click* He tries to pretend I'm not there. It's no good. He can't. I'm rattling away like mad with the handle and the key. He starts to laugh. "Haha, right," he says, "All right, that's it!" He sounds like he's gonna really do for me, so now he tries, "I'm going to be so boring, Michael will get so fed up he'll go back to bed." He starts up a chant. Gotobedgotobedgotobedgotobedgotobedgotobedgotobed, he doesn't stop, gotobedgotobedgotobedgotobed, he goes on for ages, gotobedgotobedgotobed. I try to talk to him. "Hey, what do you want for your birthday, Brian?" Gotobedgotobedgotobed. "Do you want a sweet?" Gotobedgotobedgotobed. "Hey, you've got a pimple on the end of your nose, you know." Gotobedgotobedgotobed. And I'm still fiddling with the door. I lock it. *click* I unlock it. *click* I lock it. *click* I try to unlock it. *click* Mmh! *click* Mmh! Mmh! Gotobedgotobedgo... uh, Briaaaan. I can't unlock... heheh... the door. Gotobedgotobed. Briaaan. Erm... uh... the key's stuck. He stops. Suddenly, he looks pleased. And he settles down with his book and waits. Meanwhile, I've got big bother. They're gonna come back, and find me here, and I've got out of bed, and I've come in his room, and I've locked the door, and it's really late, and it's all my fault. I try and I try, and I get that key to work. Fiddle riddle diddle diddle fiddle riddle diddle diddle... for three hours I'm at it, and all the time my brother is... not taking any notice of Michael. The front door opens. "Hello!" my mum calls out. She gets to my brother's door. "Did Michael stay in bed all right?" She's trying to turn the handle. "Let us in, Brian!" says my dad, cheerily. No answer from us inside. My brother is waiting for me to say something. I'm hoping he'll say something. We're looking at each other. "Come on, Brian!" says my dad, getting a bit cross. Oh no! The moment I dread when Dad goes from being cheery to absolutely furious! In a weedy little voice I say, "I locked the door!" That really winds them up. There's my mum. "Is that you, Michael? You're still up? You promised you'd stay in bed. It isn't fair on Brian." And there's my dad and he's roaring, "Would you believe it, the little pig? And the door's jammed! I'll have to break it down. Guhh, when I get inside, oh! He's gonna be in for big trouble!" And me, I'm standing there, all shaky and sorry and shuddery, but my brother, what's he doing? He's smiling all over his big face. Yeah. He took the key out, passed it under the door, and they opened it. I dashed out, off to bed, faster than an electronic rabbit.
Headache. It's a lump, in your head. It's the blade of a knife in there. It's your veins bursting. It's your skull, squeezing your brains. It's a headache.
Goldfish. On Monday my dad woke me up. "Wake up! Wake up," he shouts, "your goldfish is dead!" I rushed over to the tank. He wasn't dead. It was just one of his tricks. On Tuesday my dad woke me up. "Wake up! Wake up," he shouts, "your goldfish is dead!" I rushed over to the tank. He wasn't dead. It was just one of his tricks. On Wednesday, my dad woke me up. "Look, wake up." he says, dead quietly. "Your goldfish is dead." "Ohhh no it isn't," I said. "Look, it is." he said. "Oh noo it isn't," I said. "Look, it really is," he said. So I got up, and there was my goldfish, stuck on its side, on the top of the water, mouth open, eyes staring, tail stiff, dead in my tank. It wasn't one of his tricks.
Hot air. I like it when you go to those places where they have those hot air things to dry your hands. You press the silver button, the machine starts roaring, and hot air rushes out of a silver spout. You hold your hands under it, and the water just dries off your hand. Some of them, you can turn the spout and make it blow your hair about. If you turn the spout round when your friends come in, they go to dry their hands and the hot air goes whooosh! Into their face. Whooosh! Warms your nose up, that it does.
Harrybo. Once, my friend Harrybo came to school crying. We said, "What's the matter? What's the matter?" And he said his grandad had died. So we didn't know what to say. Then I said, "How did he die?" and he said "He was standing on St. Pancras station waiting for the train and he just fell over and died." And then he started crying again. He was a nice man, Harrybo's grandad. He had a shed with tins full of screws in it. Mind you, my gran was nice too. She gave me and my brother a red shoehorn each. Maybe Harrybo's grandad gave Harrybo a red shoehorn. Dave said, "My hamster died as well." So everyone said, "Shhhh!" And Dave said, "I was only saying!" And I said, "My gran gave me a red shoehorn." Rodge said, "I got a pair of trainers for Christmas." And Harrybo said, "You can get ones without laces." And we all said, "Yeah, it does... that's right Harrybo, you can." Any other day, we'd've said, "Of course you can! We know that, ya fool!" But that day, we said, "Yeah, that's right Harrybo, yeah, I know, you can."
Horrible. I was starving. All I had for breakfast was one apple, and fifteen raisins. It was half-past-twelve and I had to get to Hanwell-Hampstead. So I bought a pizza. And I ran and ran and jumped on my train, as we pulled out of Euston station I began to eat. Trouble was, my pizza was in a paper bag. One sloppy, cheesy pizza with the melting cheese and tomato stuck to the bag. So I peeeeled off the paper, off my pizza, but it was slippery and sticky, and the pizza came off in soggy lumps that I scooped together and pushed into my mouth. *mmm unf* Blob by blob. But then there were dollops of pizza hiding in the corner of the bag, so I was holding the bag up to my face tipping it into my mouth. *hmm mmf awmff* I was drinking pizza, and my fingers were running with dribbles of tomato and *mmm ah* and slops of spicy cheese all over my knuckles. So there I was *mhh ahh* licking up my skin, but my fingers were trailing all over my chin. So off went my tongue, round my face. *Ahhhngghhahh* Hunting for drips of pizza. But a bit of paper bag had got into my mouth, so I was in there, trying to get it out with the finger I was licking. *ahh ohhh* It.. ah.. It was diving into the slobber in my mouth, and I was *sniff* snuffling with my nose. *Snort* Nguh, like I was *snort* breathing in pizza. It was then I noticed the woman opposite. She was watching me. She looked like she had never seen anything quite so horrible in all her life.
Logic. A girl said, "I wrote myself a letter." So I said, "What did it say?" And she said, "I don't know, I won't get it 'til tomorrow." A boy said, "I'm really glad my mum called me Jack." I said, "Why's that?" He said, "'cause all the kids at school call me that."
I think. I think it's really bad news they don't put paper in our school loos. If you need paper you have to ask right in front of everyone in class. You may think I'm a bit of a fool, but that's why I don't go to school.
Hot food. We sit out to eat, and the potato's a bit hot. So I only put a little bit on my fork and I blow. *puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Then it's into the mouth. *hawlp* *click* Nice. And there's my brother, he's doing the same. *puff puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Into the mouth. *HAWLP* *click* Nice! There's my mum, she's doing the same. *puff puff* 'Til it's cool. Just cool. Into the mouth. *HAWLP* *click* Nice! But my dad. My dad, what does he do? He stuffs a great big chunk of potato, and then that really does it. His eyes pop out. He flaps his hands. He blows, he puffs, he yells, he bobs his head up and down. He spits bits of potato all over his plate and he turns to us and he goes, "Watch out, everybody! The potato's really hot!"
Me and my brother. Me and my brother, we sit up in bed, doing my dad's sayings. I got to bed first, and I'm just dozing off, and I hear a funny voice going, "Never let me see you doing that again," and it's my brother. Poking his finger out, just like my dad, going, "Never let me see you doing that again." And so I join in, and we're both going! "Never let me see you doing that again." So what happens? Next time I get into trouble, and my dad is telling me off, and he's going, "Never let me see you doing that again." So I'm looking up and my dad and I'm going, "Sorry, Dad. Yeah. Sorry." And I suddenly catch sight of my brother's big face poking out from behind my dad. And while my dad is poking me with his finger in time with the words, "Never let me see you doing that again." Just where I can see him, my brother is saying the words as well, with his mouth, without making a sound. So I start laughing. And so my dad says, "And it's no laughing matter." Of course, my brother knows that one as well and he's going with his mouth, "And it's no laughing matter." But my dad's not stupid, he knows something's going on, so he looks round, and there's my brother, with his finger poking out just like my dad. And I'm standing there laughing. Oh no! And that's when we get into Really. Big. Trouble.
...okay, we got there Ni--
The Michael Rosen Rap. You may think I'm happy, you may think I'm sad. You may think I'm crazy, you may think I'm mad. But hang on to your seats and listen right here, I'm gonna tell you something that'll burn your ear. A hip, hop, a hip hop hap, I'm giving you all, the Michael Rosen Rap Rap Rap Rap. I was born on the Seventh of May, I remember very well that awful day. I was in my mother, curled up tight, though I have to say it was as dark as night. Nothing to do, didn't wanna breathe. I was so happy, didn't wanna leave. Then I hear some people give a shout, "One push, Mrs. Rosen, and he'll be out." I'm telling you, that was a puzzle to me. I shouted out, "How'd you know I'm a he?" Doctor shouted, "Good lord, he can talk!" I popped out my head and said, "Now watch me walk." I juked and jived around that room, ba lam bam boola, ba lam ba diddy boom. A hip hop, a hip hop hap, I'm giving you all, the Michael Rosen Rap Rap Rap Rap. When I was one, I swam the English channel. When I was two, I ate a soapy flannel. (?) When I was three, I started getting thinner. When I was four, I ate the dog's dinner. When I was five, I was in a band playing drums. When I was six, I ate a bag of plums. When I was seven I robbed a bank with my sister. When I was eight I became Prime Minister. When I was nine I closed all the schools. When I was ten they made me king of the fools. So that's what I am, that's what I be, with an M, with an I, with a K, with an E, that's what I am, that's what I be, Mister Mike, Mister Michael, Mister Rosen, Mister Me. A hip, hop, A hip hop hap, I'm giving you all, the Michael Rosen Rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap...
London Airport. Once my brother said, "Why don't we go to London Airport for your birthday treat? We can spend all day there, London Airport, looking at the planes. It'll be great. Yeah, I said. It'll be great. Mum said yes, so we took sandwiches and chocolate and drinks. I was really looking forward to it. When we got there, my brother found out that there was this bus that you could go on, a kind of trip round the runways so you could get right close up to the big jets. Great. Really great. So he got the tickets, and we got onto the bus, and as we were getting on I said, "Brian, I wanna wee." So he goes, "Well you can't now, this is the last bus today. It's just about to go. We won't get on another one." "Brian, I wanna wee." So he goes, "Look, you can't. You can't now. It'll wait. It's not that long a time to wait." So we got on, the bus started up and away we went. The driver starts going, "We're coming to Runway Four now. If you look to your right you can see two planes..." "I'm dying for a wee!" I said. "It'll go away!" says my brother. "I wanna wee," I say. "What's the matter?" said the man in front. "He wants a wee," said my brother. "Well, you can wait, can't you?" said the man. "No!" I said. "Well, don't do it here, will you sonny?" he says. "Can we stop the bus?" I said. "Don't be daft!" says my brother. "We're on the end, we're... on the end of Runway Four! You can't do a wee on the end of Runway Four!" And the bloke driving the bus goes, "If you look out of your window, you can see a baggage truck." "I'm gonna wet myself," I said. My brother says, "Look! There's Concorde! Just think of something else, will you?" "I can't!" I said. "It's hurting! I've got to do it! I've got to do it!" The bus went on. We saw more planes. And more planes. And MORE planes. "You haven't wet yourself, have you?" My brother says. "No!" More planes. MORE planes. More planes. "Here goes!" I said. Then the bus stopped. I rushed off the bus, I got to the toilet, and everything was lovely once again. Wonderful. And then we went home. Mum said, "Did you have a good time, boys?" And my brother said, "It was great. Really great." "And how about you?" she said to me. "How was your birthday treat?" "All right." I said "All right. But I wanted a wee. And they wouldn't let me. And I cried."
May. A woman called May used to look after us sometimes. Her husband was a bus conductor, and he could wink with both eyes. Fantastic! We used to meet him on the bus, and when we got our tickets off him, if we were lucky, he'd wink one eye, then wink the other eye. Again and again. Really fast. Fantastic! But best was May. When she came over, after tea, we played games. My favorite was raisins. This is how we played raisins. We tipped the raisins out of the raisins jar and we each guessed how many raisins there were. Hundred and forty-eight, I'd say! Two hundred and thirty-one, May'd say! Then we took one raisin each, counting. I take one, one, put it in my mouth. May takes one, two, she puts it in her mouth. I take one, three, into my mouth. May takes one, four, in her mouth. And so it went on. Hundred and thirty-one, in my mouth. Hundred and thirty-two, in her mouth. I love raisins, all chewy and sweet. Mmmmm. Two hundred and one in my mouth. Two hundred and two in May's mouth. Two hundred and three, last one, in my mouth. *mmph!* May had guessed best! She had guessed two hundred and thirty-one. But now, we'd eaten all the raisins. They were all gone. The jar was empty. Could be trouble. Anyway, then it was bedtime. At teatime the next day, we were having fruit salad, and my brother said, "I'll have raisins on this!" He went to the cupboard, and he saw the empty jar, and he goes, "Where've all the raisins gone? The jar was full yesterday! Mum! He's eaten them all! Look at his face! You can see he's eaten them. Tell him off, Mum! Tell him off!" And my Mum says to me, "Did you eat them?" And I say, "Me and May did." And my brother says, "See? I told you, it's not fair, Mum! He's a greedy little pig!" And then a picture came into my mind of the night before, of me and May counting the raisins into our mouths, all chewy and sweet. Mmmmmmmm. So I said, "I'm not a greedy little pig!" And my mum said to my brother, "Raisins don't last all week, you know." But I didn't tell anyone about our game. Raisins. Two hundred and three. Mmmmmmmmm.
My mum. My mum said to me and my brother, "Don't crumble your bread or roll in the soup." I said, "I don't want to roll in my soup." Then she said, "Eat up, Michael." And my brother said, "I don't want to eat up Michael."
Puzzle two. He was so tempted, he couldn't help himself. So he helped himself.
Puzzle one. She said I said he lied, but I said she said he lied. When you said she said I said he lied, he said, he didn't lie.
Quiet please. No need to shout. No need to yell. No need to have a riot. Shut your eyes, take a deep breath... *gasp* Oh, you've gone all quiet.
My dad calls me. When I tell fibs, my dad calls me, "Louie Lou Liar." When I come in from playing with my clothes a bit mucked up he calls me, "Dopey Dog Dirt." When we were in this cafe on holiday and I had laughed and coughed up orange juice all over the floor, my dad called me, "Gary Gobhound." When I watch telly all Saturday morning and I get a bit dozy, my dad calls me "Wally Tellybrains." When my nose is a bit runny and I can't find my hanky, my dad calls me, "King of the Bogies." I call him, "Nag Bag!"
My dad. My dad says, after the war was over, everyone came home to sort things out. There weren't gonna be any more wars. There weren't gonna be any more poor people. There weren't gonna be any more bad houses. There weren't gonna be any more people out of work. That was forty years ago. Now they're trying to invent spaceships that drop bombs.
No one in. Sometimes you come home, and there's no one in. There are no lights on. No food ready. No telly. No one laughing. No jokes. Just you, on your own. That's when my brain starts doing things. You know, murderers and mad dog stuff. I'll tell you what I do. When I open the door, I shove it really hard and fast and it bangs against the wall really loud, so if he's hiding behind the, he'll get it right on the nose. I never have got him. I tell you what did happen. The door handle made a great big hole in the wall.
Schram and Scheddle. There's an old shop in Islington called Schram and Scheddle. Today it's a shop that sells, "Preposterous Presents." I imagine that a long time ago it was a tailor's shop, and it went like this. Mister Schram was the boss. Mister Scheddle sat at the sewing machine with his foot on the pedal, sewing away. Sometimes Mister Schram thought Mister Scheddle wasn't working hard enough, so he shouted, "Pedal, Scheddle!" And Scheddle snarled back, "Scram, Schram!" And so it went on, day after day. "Pedal, Scheddle!" "Scram, Schram!" "Pedal, Scheddle!" "Scram, Schram!" "Pedal, Scheddle!" "Scram, Schram!"
Presents. It was Christmas Eve. I knew Father Christmas was Mum and Dad. I knew he didn't come down the chimney, and instead, they came through the door. I knew it all didn't come out of a sack, but instead, they left a heap of stuff at the end of the bed. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. What I didn't know was what was gonna be in the heap. But I went to sleep. So then I woke up. Nothing. So I went to sleep. So then I woke up. Nothing. Oh! Was that piece of paper there before? Must've been. So I went to sleep. So then I woke up. Nothing. And it's morning! Has Father Christmas forgotten me? Eheh, I mean, Mum and Dad? Get up, feeling bad, feeling worse than bad, terrible, nearly crying. That piece of paper... what is it? It's a picture of a bike. And underneath it, it says "Downstairs." So it's rush, rush, downstairs, front room, and there it was, propped up against a chair in front of the telly. Big and shining. The bike! Of course! Ha! Father Christmas couldn't stuff a bike down the chimney, could he?
Spots in my eyes. I've got spots in my eyes. Not spots you can see, they're on my side. I see them when I'm looking at you. To start with, I thought it was dirty windows. Then I thought it was little flies in the air, but it isn't, it's spots in the eyes. I'm trying to find out where the spots are in my eyes. If you see me staring at a white wall or trying to make one eye look at the other eye, that's what I'm doing. Looking for the spots in my eyes. Actually, I don't know what an eye is. Maybe it's a plastic ball, or it's a kind of round fishtank, glass outside, water inside, and the spots are floating around in the fishtank of my eye. I wish I could get rid of them. When people look up at the sky and say, "Look at that! Haha! Not a cloud in sight!" I look up, too. And there's all that blue sky, and there, floating across that blue are, the spots.
Presents. I gave my mum and dad all kinds of Christmas presents. I used to go round the shops for hours, looking at razors, key rings, clothes brushes, bath salts, chocolate gingers. Once, I thought I'd made a breakthrough. I was at Salmon's, the ironmongers, and there they were. Two jug things. They were both made of glass, except for the tops. One was a milk jug and it had a bright green plastic top, and there was a little lever on it, and when you pulled the lever, a little door slid open and you poured your milk out through the little door. The other jug was for sugar. This one had a bright green plastic top as well,but this one was a type of funnel so you could pour the sugar out, but it wasn't any kind of funnel! It was special. It had a little gadget inside the funnel, so you only poured out one teaspoonful at a time. Magic! So I bought these wonderful things. I gave them to my mum and dad for Christmas. They said they were very nice. They were very pleased. And for a week or so after Christmas, they were always on the table. If anyone wanted any milk or sugar, I'd say, "Can I do it for you? Do you want milk in your tea? Let me do it!" And I rushed to pick up the jug, pulled back the lever, and the milk poured out of the trap door. "Sugar?" And I picked up the sugar jug, tipped it up to pour out the magic one teaspoonful. "Another soos... another spoonful, anyone?" *shhh* And I poured out the second one. "Anyone else?" I became the milk and sugar king! I had to be the milk and sugar driver! All week I was pouring for everyone! Breakfast, dinner, tea! After a week or two, I noticed that the milk bottle was getting back onto the table. No jug. I noticed the sugar bowl and the boring old spoon were getting back onto the table. No sugar jug. Ya see, someone had to fill those two jugs, so I said, "I'll do it! I'll get the new jug! Eh? Yeah? I'll get the sugar thing if you want, okay? Yeah?" So I poured the milk and the sugar into the jugs and put them onto the table. The only trouble was, they'd got their milk and sugar by then. They didn't need me to drive their milk and sugar for them. My reign as the milk and sugar king was over. I was beaten by the bottle and the bowl. My bright green plastic topped went up on top of the kitchen cupboard with the jam jars without lids. We left them there when we moved from that house. They're probably still there.
Tea time. It's tea time, and we're sitting at the table, and my dad wants milk in his tea. "Oh, uhh, could you get me the milk?" I get the milk. I sit down again. Then he wants butter for his bread. "Oh, umm, could you get me the butter?" He says. I get the butter. And I sit down again. Then he wants a teaspoon for his tea. "Oh, uhh, could you get me a teaspoon?" he says. And then my mum says, "Once you get that bum of yours stuck in a chair you never get it off again, do you?" And my dad says, "I can't get a moment's peace around here."
Telly. Put your thumb in the air, your finger over there. Look for your other thumb. You'll probably find it on the other hand. Put that thumb on the end of your finger. Put that finger on the end of your thumb. You got a telly now. What programs shall I put on the telly? I know! That program's called "What's This Ear?" Put your cheek on the telly. That program's called "Don't Be Cheeky." Put your nose on the telly. That'd make a good program. And that program's called "The Six-O'-Clock Nose."
The bump. I'm in the middle of a wrestle with my brother and I find my face right up close to his ear, and I see The Bump. The bump is just next to his ear. It's all shiny. And when you press it, it goes in, like a push button. He says it doesn't hurt, it just sits there, the bump. Mum says that when he was born, it wasn't a bump, it was a shtickle. I said, "What's a shtickle?" And she said, "Like a little stick, sticking out of the side of his head." She said they tied it up with a bit of cotton and it died, until all that was left was the bump. The little shiny bump.
Tidy your room. They say, "Tidy your room." But I'm trying to kill a fly on the wall with a rolled-up comic. *Ptchoo* They say, "I'm asking you to tidy your room." But I'm trying to kill the fly by squashing it with a chunk of plasticine. *pfffoot* They say, "I'm not telling you to tidy your room." And I'm rolling up little bits of plasticine. "For the last time, tidy your room." But I'm making a line of the rolled up bits of plasticine along the edge of the chair. They say, "Can you hear me?" I say, "Yeah." I'm now flicking the bits of plasticine at the fly on the wall. They say, "What have we just asked you to do?" And I say, "I dunno!"
The Skyfoogle. There was a man who turned up round our way once, put up a tent in the park, he did, put notices all around the streets saying that he was going to put on a show. A terrifying creature called The Skyfoogle. No one had ever seen this thing before. The show was on for two-o'-clock the next day. Next day we all turned up to see the fiercest animal in the world. The man took the money at the door, we all poured into the tent, with the curtain in front of it. We all sat down and waited. The man went off behind the curtain and suddenly we all heard a terrible noise. There was an awful yelling and crying. There was the noise of chains rattling and someone shouting. Suddenly the man came running onto the stage in front of the curtains. All his clothes were torn, there was blood on his face, and he screamed, "Quick! Get out! Get out of here! The Skyfoogle has escaped!" We all got up, and ran out the door and got away as fast as we could. By the time we had got ourselves together, the man had gone! We never saw him again! None of us ever saw our money ever again either! And none of us... has ever seen The Skyfoogle.
The car trip. Mum says, "Right, you two. This is a long car journey, I'm driving, and I can't drive properly if you two are going mad in the back. Do you understand?" So we go, "Okay, mum. Okay. Don't worry about it!" And off we go. And then we start the moaning. "Can I have a drink? I want some crisps. Can I open my window? He's got my book. GET OFF ME! That's my ear!" And Mum tries to be exciting. "Look out the window. There's a lamppost." And then we go on. "Can I have a sweet? He's sitting on me. Are we nearly there? Don't scratch! You never tell him off! Now he's biting his nails! I want a driiiink! I want a driiink!" And Mum tries to be exciting again. "Look out the window. There's a tree." And then we go on. "My hands are sticky. He's playing with the door handle now. Feel a bit sick, actually. Your nose is all runny! Don't pull my hair! He's punching me, mum! That's really dangerous, you know! Mum! He's spitting!" And Mum says, "Right! I'm stopping the car! I am STOPPING the car!" She stops the car. "Now, if you two don't stop it, I'm gonna put you out the car and leave you by the side of the road. "He started it!" "I didn't! He started it!" *facepalm* "I don't care who started it! I can't drive properly if you two go mad in the back! Do you understand?" And we go, "Okay, mum, okay. Don't worry about it." "Can I have a driiiiiink?"
The hypnotizer. Once, a boy called Richard came to school and said, "I can hypnotize people." So we said, "Yeah, yeah, I bet you can't." So he said, "Okay, playtime." So playtime, we all went onto the playground. He said, "Right! Who wants a go?" So Trevor said, "Yeah, me." So this boy, Richard, made Trevor lie down on the ground on his back, and he told this gold ring out of his pocket and he put it very carefully between Trevor's eyes. On the bridge of his nose. Then Richard took this conker out of his pocket. It was on the end of a string. And he starts swinging the conker to and fro in front of Trevor's eyes. And he starts up, talking in a spooky voice: "Watch the conker. Watch the conker. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Watch the conker. Watch the conker. Go to sleep. Go to sleep." And it went on for ages. And we were all crowding around, dead quiet, watching Trevor, listening to Richard going, "Go to sleep. Go to sleep." "Is it working?" we said. "Is he going to sleep?" He's hyp-no-tized. Blimey. Sudddenly, the going-in bell went "Boiing! Boing!" At that, Trevor goes and stands up. He just stands up! Ha! Dusts himself down. So we all crowded round him going, "Were you asleep? You, you were asleep, weren't you, Trevor? Hey, were you hyp-no-tized? And he looks at us, all fed up, and he says, "Only thing that happened was I got a rotten headache." After that, we used to go round telling people, "You see that bloke over there? Him, Richard. He's brilliant. He can hypnotize people. He's a hypnotizer, you know." And Richard, he'd hear us saying all this, and he'd go, "Heh, heh, yeah, oh come off it, you lot, I'm not that... no, I'm not that good at it, eheheheh..."
Strict. We had a teacher who was so strict, you weren't allowed to breathe in her lessons. She used to stand at the front going, "NO BREATHING!" And you had the whole morning to get through. *aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh* *pah* The weak ones just used to keel over and die. You'd hear them going down behind you. *ker-poom* *ker-poom* *ker-poom* And there was always a whiny kid going, "Miss! Can I go out and do some breathing?" And she'd say, "No! You've got all playtime to do it in!" "Oh, go on Miss, oh, go on!" Do you know at the beginning of the week there were forty-eight kids in my class. At the end of the week there were only five of them left. Yeah. Did you know at the end of the day you'd be stepping over kids just to get out the room. Oh no! There's Melanie. That's a shame, she was really nice. There's Dave. Heh heh. Hard luck, Dave. Always knew you were a bit weak. D'you know, people say to me, if that's true, how come you're here to tell the tale? Fair enough, and I'll tell you. It's because, when I was at school, we used to sit at desks. We didn't sit round tables like you do now. We used to sit at desks, with lids. And some of us figured out, what you had to do was snatch a quick breath under the desk lid when she wasn't looking. So once more, from the beginning. "NO BREATHING!" *aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh* *pah* The weak ones. *ker-poom* *ker-poom* *ker-poom* The whiny ones. "Miss! Can I go out and do some breathing?" "No! You've got all playtime to do it in!" "Oh, go on Miss, oh, go on!" Us lot. *PAH* *gasp gasp gasp* *boom* Ah! That was the mistake! Slamming the desk lid down! If you made a noise with the desk lid, it was OUT! School PRISON! There was a school prison underneath the school hall where they used to string you up from the wallbars. *sqflt* "Miss! I've been up here for three weeks... and there's rats! And they're nibbling my toenails!" So I figured it out. What you had to do was put your thumb round the edge of the desk lid so when it went down it didn't make any noise at all. Once more, from the beginning. "NO BREATHING!" *aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh* *pah* The weak ones. *ker-poom* *ker-poom* *ker-poom* The whiny ones. "Miss! Can I go out and do some breathing?" "No! You've got all playtime to do it in!" "Oh, go on Miss, oh, go on!" These other kids. *PAH* *gasp gasp* *boom* OUT! School PRISON! *sqflt* "Miss! I've been up here for three weeks and there's... rats! And they're nibbling... my toenails, Miss!" Me. Thumb round the edge of the desk. *PAH* *gasp gasp gasp* No noise at all. SURVIVAL.
The project. At school, we were doing a project. You know the kind of thing. "The Vikings." "Transport." "Wood." Our project was, "Holland!" There we were, reading: "My friend Hans from Holland." And we made windmills and stuck blue strips of paper onto white strips of paper. They were "canals." And we kept talking about tulips and cheese. In the end I thought they grew cheese and ate tulips. Then suddenly one day, our teacher, Miss Goodall, said there was an inspector coming in. She said, he wasn't going to inspect us, he was going to inspect her. And we were all to help her by being really good, and answering all the questions that he asked us. Huh. Later that day, he came in. He had a mustache. We behaved. Miss Goodall behaved. There we all were, sitting in our rows, behind our desks, breathing very very quietly. And he looked at our windmills. Hmmmm! And then our canals! Hmmmm! And he said, "What do they eat in Holland?" And I didn't put my hand up in case I said tulips. But Sheila McClane said, "Cheese." And he said, "What do they grow in Holland?" And I didn't put my hand up for that one either. But Margot Vane said, "Tulips." And he asked some more questions and we were doing really well. Miss Goodall was trying very hard not to look proud. And then he asked, "Who is the Queen of Holland?" There was silence! No one knew who was the Queen of Holland! Miss Goodall frowned, and then started looking all round the class with her eyes looking all hoping! And then suddenly, I remembered this funny little rhyme that my friend Harrybo used to say! I put up my hand. "Yes?" said the inspector. "Queen Juliana is a fat banana," I said. Miss Goodall looked awful. Harrybo was sitting in front of me and I saw him *PFFT* snort and start giggling. "Sorry, uhhh, what did you say?" said the inspector. "Queen Juliana," I said. "Good!" he said. "You're right! Quite right!" Miss Goodall was delighted. I was delighted. The inspector was delighted. *wheeze* And Harrybo was still snorting away like mad. *bffpt bffpt bffpt bffpt bffpfffpt*
The Hollywood. We went to this cafe, and I had loads to eat. I had cod and chips. The cod was huge, and there were hundreds and hundreds of chips. Hundreds and hundreds of 'em! And I ate the lot! Then Mum said, "Anyone want any afters?" And we looked to see what there was. There was apple pie... don't like that. There was jam roly-poly... don't like that. And there was ice cream. I like that! There was chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. I was just about to say, "I'll have a strawberry ice cream!" when I saw something else. It said, "The Hollywood!" And it was: vanilla ice cream, peaches, cream, chocolate sauce, cherries, trifle, jelly, AND strawberry ice cream. So I said... heh... I'll have a Hollywood. Dad said, "He won't eat it. They're huge." But Mum said, "No, no, if he wants it, he can have it." Dad said, "Waste of money. He won't eat it. Mum said, "A Hollywood, please!" And we waited. Then, suddenly, it appeared. On its own. Right in the middle of a tray. With a little paper umbrella stuck in the top. Everyone in the cafe looked round. "What's that?" "Heh, yeah, that's the Hollywood!" "Oh, yeah! Yeah! That's the Hollywood all right!" And the woman put it down in front of me. The Hollywood! With a little paper umbrella stuck in the top! It was huge! It was taller than me. And I had this really long spoon to eat it with, and now, heh... everyone was looking at me. I had to reach up to get to the cherry on the top. *pwt* Got it! *slurp* *click* Ah! In the mouth! It was lovely! Then onto the ice cream! *Slurp* Mhmm! And the chocolate sauce! Heh heh! Dig in! *SQUERCH* *slurp* *click* That was, eh... a bit rich, but... okay. Heh, dad loves ice cream and chocolate sauce. And he's watching me. But I don't give him any. Then there was some, um... *slurp* jelly stuff, and actually... um... that's wasn't very nice. Uh, actually, um, it was horrible. And dad said, "Slowing down, are you?" And Mum said, "Leave him alone." Now, I was... filling my cheeks, so as not to taste it so much. My hands went hot, and... people were looking at me. Then, I got to the trifle. Soggy cake. And that was even more horrible. I couldn't bear to put it in my mouth. I couldn't even put it in my cheeks. I hunched my shoulders and... *ptguh* spat some onto my plate. I stopped eating. Dad said, "Stopped, have you?" Mum said, "Leave him alone." I said, "I don't like it very much." Dad's hand darted across the table. "I'll finish it!", he said. Oh yeah, you bet he said that. "I'll finish it!" he says. And Mum turned to me and said, "Never mind, dear. I don't suppose you'll ask for one of those again, will you." I don't suppose I will.
Toenails. More and more people in Britain today are using toenails. Smart and smooth, they grow on all five toes of each foot. We spoke to Jack Davis of Hackney. "Yeah, I like toenails. I've got ten of 'em. Big ones for the big toes and... uh, little ones for the little toes. They're great." Be like Jack! Be smart! Grow toenails!
Useless information. I read in a book that... giraffes have no voices. The Red Sea is blue. Gorillas can't swim. Black treacle is brown. Elephants can't jump. And nothing rhymes with orange... does it?
Tomato Two, or "How I learned to love tomatoes." When I get in, if there's one thing I love, it's a fat, red tomato. I love the feel of my tongue and lips on the tight skin and I make my teeth *ha-chunk* cut into the flesh so the juice jumps into my mouth. The coolness and the wetness. So now I get some pepper and put a few grains on the flesh, so with my next bit a tasty feel starts under my tongue. I get a piece of bread, and all the wheaty mealy stuff mixes with the juicy tomato stuff and that's the way it goes down now. Bread and tomato, tomato and bread, in a lovely, wet, grainy, savory, flavory, round the mouth fruity bready mush. Ahhhhh.
Tomato One. Here's me, and my mum's just given me a tomato. And if there's one thing I can't stand it's tomatoes. You know that fleshy bit, the way it sticks to your teeth, and you know all those slimy little seeds, the way they slide round your mouth. Ooohh, I can't stand it. Anyway, my mum says, "Eat it." And I say, "I don't want to." She says, "Eat it." And I say, "I hate tomatoes. All slimy." And she says, "Don't you talk like that. When I was a girl I had to eat whatever my mum put in front of me. Do you think I could talk to my mother like that? Do you know there are some people in the world who would give their right arm to have a tomato. To have half a tomato because they haven't had anything to eat for a whole week. I'm telling you this, if you don't eat your tomato, there'll be no afters, and I've made something rather nice, I think you know what I mean." So here goes. In goes a bit of tomato. *pfft* Just like I thought. First the fleshy bit sticks, them the slimy bits, they slide about, and when it all goes down my throat it's stick and slide all the way down. Oh no, this is horrible! So I start to sulk. I make my eyes go dim. I push my lips out. To make myself look all rotten. "Don't you dare sulk," she says. "I'm not having you sitting them throwing one of your tantrums. I don't have to put up with you behaving like this. All I'm asking you to do is eat one tomato. It's taken months to grow. It's full of goodness. So stop that stupid sulking, will you?" But I just sit there, in my great big sulk. I never did eat that tomato. Mind you, I never got any afters, either.