Son of the Mask/Transcript

The Mifulu represent
a fascinating example
of failed culture.
The people of the Mifulu
communicated entirely in rhyme,
although that's actually
less impressive than it sounds,
because their language
only contained one vowel.
Also, if you've noticed,
the only artifacts
we've been able to unearth
are primitive musical
instruments.
The Mifulus had plenty of drums,
guitars, harmonicas
and the like,
but no weapons or tools.
So, in essence,
they had rhythm, they had music,
but they had no
hammers and spears,
so they died.
In any case, this brings us
to the final room of the tour
and my personal favorite-
The Hall of Norse Mythology.
This is Odin,
chief divinity of the entire
Norse pantheon--
"The Allfather" as he's called--
And these paintings depict
some of Odin's many sons.
That is Thor, God of Thunder,
with his mighty hammer.
And this is Balder,
God of Beauty.
Who's that ugly guy?
Oh, I was just
about to get to him.
That's Loki,
Norse God of Mischief.
He was also known
as "The Trickster."
As the youngest son of Odin,
Loki was the black sheep
of the Norse mythological family.
His constant mischievous pranks
were an endless source
of embarrassment
to his father and his siblings.
He was, in other words,
a bratty little brother.
And Loki's ultimate tool
of mischief was this,
the mask which he created
and tossed down to earth
thousands of years ago
to create mayhem among the mortals.
For, according to legend,
the wearer of the mask is imbued
with the powers of Loki himself.
- Is that true?
- No, of course not.
If it were, I'd be
wearing it myself.
No, no, it's textbook
mythical allegory.
Loki represents the "id,"
the suppressed parts
of ourselves,
and the mask is the tool
which unleashes the id.
I go into this very topic
in my critically acclaimed book.
Now, of all the Aesir gods--
Excuse me, sir.
Please don't touch the mask display.
Of all the Aesir gods,
Loki was the only one
who could shape shift--
Change his form,
even turn himself into a woman.
A woman?! Man alive,
lock up your sons and daughters
around that twisted
piece of fruitcake, hey, Doc?
Well, I guess that's
one way of putting it.
Anyway, Loki brought nothing
but shame to Odin and his ilk.
In fact, Loki was
such an unruly child
that Odin ultimately
locked him up in chains
far beneath the earth.
He did not!
- Good God!
- And don't you forget it!
Apparently, you do not
agree with my theories.
Finally!
- This is a fake!
- Yes, but it's a good fake.
Ow. Sir, that
is museum property.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me replace it.
What-- what are--
What are you doing?
Perhaps I should inform you
I suffer from vertigo
and I have a lawyer.
Hello?
Where's my body?
Come get me.
- Yeah. Oh yeah.
- Hold it right there!
I don't like it here.
Thanks for dropping by.
- Dropping?
- Bye.
Where's... my...
mask?!
Who's a happy baby?
Who's a happy baby?
Aw, Clare, he's amazing.
Honey, look at him.
They said he's very
alert for his age.
He's going to be a genius
just like his brothers
and sisters.
Little Tommy's starting
Junior Mensa next week...
and Clancy just took
his first potty poop.
Oh, look. Honey, he just
took his first poop.
Good poop, Clancy!
Whoa, Captain Underpants,
watch your aim.
He's gonna need those.
- You okay?
- Yup.
Here. Mm-hmm.
So, when are you two gonna have
one for yourselves?
Oh...
It's a boy.
And agirl!
- Twins?
- And another boy!
- Girl.
- Boy.
- Girl.
- Boy.
Girl, boy, girl, boy...
Tim!
Whew.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
That was flat out embarrassing.
The mere mention
of the word "baby" and your throat
seizes up like
you swallowed Drano.
After seeing those kids,
Drano sounds like a good option.
- Honey, just think...
- Yeah?
If we have a baby, you'll have someone
you can play video games with.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey!
- You'll have someone you can relate to.
Okay, honey, look.
I know you're upset, okay?
- But can I ask you one question?
- What?
Who's a fish?
Who's a fish?
Tim, stop it.
I mean it.
Look, babe, who's a turkey?
Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk!
- I'm serious!
- Who's a rabid dog?
Ow!
- Who's Hannibal the Cannibal?
- Stop it.
Jeez, babe.
Okay, I'm driving--
Driving-- driving here!
- Ugh.
- Honey, slow down.
You know I can't run and apologize
at the same time.
Come on, Tonya. I'm not saying
I don't want to have a baby.
I'm just saying I don't want to have
a baby right now.
So why not?
Why not now?
- Because.
- Ugh.
Wha-- babe!
Tonya!
Ton-ton--
Hey, Otis.
You got room in your doghouse?
Here you go.
Here you go. Yeah!
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Up.
You're good, aren't you?
Now, get in the hole.
Tretiak's in the net
for the Soviets.
Paul Henderson's out
of the penalty box.
He's on the break!
He shoots!
Oh, what a save!
What a comeback!
Oh! Free beef jerky for everybody!
And the ice is being pelted
with Kibbles 'n Bits.
What's this?
Now, Otis, how many
times have I told you?
If you're gonna steal something,
steal something with a little value.
That's what we're looking for.
Get up here, come on.
Come here.
Thanks, pal.
Your kissing is getting a lot better.
You don't want a baby
right now, do you?
He said it.
Mmm.
LOKl!
Dad?
I-I mean,
Oh, masterful Odin, is that you?
Have you found your mask, Loki?
I found a mask,
but as it turns out,
- it was a fake.
- Why are you relaxing on this beach?
I'm just taking a few
moments reprieve from my--
Nonsense!
That mask
has caused enough mischief
and malfeasance among the mortals.
I curse the day
you created that thing.
Why don't you just use
that all-seeing eye of yours
- and tell me where it is?
- This is your mess
and you will clean it up!
You're a god!
Now start acting like one!
Now, find that mask
before I open up a can
of lightning on you!
Do you need anything
while I'm out?
I'm just gonna go make
a baby with the neighbor.
- Honey, come here.
- What?
Look! Look at all
this stuff.
I've been trying to do
this for 10 years
of my life, creating
these shows and--
I just need more time.
Okay, I get it, okay?
You want your own show,
and I want you
to have your own show.
You're so good!
But I also...
really, really
wanna have a baby.
So, what do we do?
I want our child
to be proud of us,
both of us.
And if somebody asks that child,
"Hey, what does your mommy do?"
He's gonna say, "Oh, she's the managing
director of Apt Apparel."
They'll say, "Cool." When they say,
"What does your daddy do?"
They'll say, "He's a-- he's a--"
Hey, boys and girls.
I'm Torpedo Tortoise!
And here's one for you.
Halloween party's
tomorrow night, homes.
- Got a costume?
- No.
Hey, maybe you could
go as a turtle.
Thanks, Chad.
I can't believe Chad
got promoted again.
When the executives look at me,
all they see is a tortoise.
Hey man, you want things
to change, you gotta make 'em change.
- You ever pitch to the top man himself?
- Daniel Moss? Hell no.
Well, then it's time
to man up, my road dog,
because there he is.
Oh my God.
He never eats lunch down here.
He's too busy being
an animation god!
Then it's fate, man.
You got to go over there
and say, "Yo, I am
Tim Avery and I've been slugging away
in this costume
for six months now
and I got an idea
for a show and you need to hear it."
Be aggressive, man.
If a bug bites you, bite him back!
Oh, you mean like you
have with Sylvia?
Shut up.
You know, maybe I should.
- Should what?
- Just walk up to Daniel.
- I mean, he's just a guy, right?
- Right.
- What do I have to lose?
- You got nothing to lose, man!
- I'm gonna do it.
- Are you crazy?
Hey, Torpedo Tortoise.
Hi.
Something I can do for you?
Uhm...
actually, yes.
Yes, you can.
Um, see I've been
in the turtle suit for a while now,
but, uh, I'm a trained animator.
I went to school and everything,
and, uhm, I got an idea
for a show that, uh,
you gotta hear.
Cool.
Lay it on me.
Now?
So what did he say?
That my ideas lacked spark,
but the door was always open.
Well, that's a good thing.
No. It's always open so he can push
guys like me out of it.
Come on, Otis.
Otis. Come on.
Come on, boy.
Come on, Otis.
Thank you, Otis.
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
Which is why you'd make
such a great dad.
- What are you wearing?
- Oh.
Well, I was gonna go
as a werewolf victim,
but Otis ruined my mask.
Well, honey, you know,
we've got so much stuff around here.
I don't know, just--
Wear that thing.
This?
I can't go as this.
Everyone at Animagine always goes
all out with their costumes.
This is the crappiest
piece of crap in Craptown.
Be a lot less crappy
if you went with me, though.
I know, but I can't.
I gotta finish the Orion brochure.
- You know what?
- Hmm?
Go to the party...
have fun,
and when you get home,
you can tell me all about it.
So lame.
Whoa!
What the...?
Don't you just love Halloween?
Whoa!
Trick or treat.
Hardy-har.
Let me see your work lD, please.
- ID?
- No ID, no party.
Where did the wife
put that invitation?
ID, not lV.
Excuse me.
My bad.
Maybe I left it in
my other pants.
- Crazy!
- Okay.
Here's your drink.
This party is embarrassing.
Can't we stir
things up a little?
- I'm on it.
- Go get 'em.
Who's that green guy?
You'd better cover up,
young lady.
You might catch a chest cold.
Ah.
What am I thinking?
Whoa! Oh!
Hey!
Oh!
- Whoo! Whoo!
- Ah.
- Jorge.
- Sylvia.
Thank you, God.
Boo! Boo!
Now hold on.
Where is everybody going?
Whoo! All right.
All right!
- Boo! Lame!
- Whoo-hoo!
Honey, I'm home.
- Babe, what's gotten into you?
- Let's find out.
That was off the chain
last night, guru.
You were a whirling dervish
of craziness, homes.
Hey, um, did you--
Did you use holograms
for-- for all that-- that stuff?
Whoa, Avery, I didn't know
you had it in you, man!
Yeah, well, me neither.
- Tim Avery?
- Yeah.
Daniel Moss would
like to see you in his office.
Do you have a minute?
This has potential.
Come here.
Come here.
This has that spark
I was looking for.
I mean, not to be
crass about it,
but this guy-- this could be
a franchise character.
How'd you come up with this?
M-my dog brought it to me.
Oh, yeah. If we knew
where the great ones came from,
we'd go there every day, right?
Yeah.
Listen,
I think we could
do something with this.
How would you
like to move up to the second floor?
Where is it?
Where is it?
Otis! You know that mask
you were chewing on,
the wooden one?
Where is it, boy?
Find it and I'll take
you to see Venus--
You know, that cute little Jack Russell
you're always trying to jump?
Yes, I think you guys
would make a good couple.
I don't know.
I don't speak Doberman.
Babe!
I got incredible news!
Really?
I think I do too!
- Really? What?
- Um, you go.
- No, you go.
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Babe, let me go.
- Okay, go.
Guess who got moved up
to the second floor?
Oh God, that is so great!
I am so proud of you.
- Oh, then it was meant to be.
- What's meant to be? What's your news?
I've been feeling
really funky all day
- and you're not gonna believe this.
- I'm not gonna believe what?
- Tell me! What? What?
- Okay. I think I might be...
- Pregnant.
- Yes!
Oh, but how can that be, 'cause we--
That can't be-- we just--
Who's a fish?
Who's a fish?
Where's there a trashcan?
Where's there a trashcan?
- Is that normal?
- No.
And what's worse,
it's not covered by insurance.
- Wow.
- What?
Oh, Alvey.
Say hello to your son.
Uh, hello there, son.
I've been waiting to meet you
for nine months now.
Whoa. He's got
a killer grip.
But Dad counteracts
with his Pinky of Doom.
Hey, do you know who I am?
I'm your dad.
Loki!
There was a baby
born of the mask!
Damn!
Where's my mask?!
Sir, y-you're gonna
have to pay for that.
The advertisement
said they were authentic!
They are authentic.
They're authentic Pakistani
Norse Mythology masks.
Okay.
Now let me think.
What should I turn him into?
Loki!
Dad?
Fool!
What in Helveti were you
about to do to this shopkeep?
- Nothing, I was just--
- Fool!
Don't you dare lie to me.
You know, Thor never gave me
this kind of trouble.
Okay, here we go again
with the Thor crap.
Thor, Thor, Thor.
You know, father, I'm not like Thor.
I'm never gonna be like Thor.
I just wish that--
Can't you just
love me for who I am
and not for who I'm not?
No! I want you to be
more like Thor!
Now, I've wasted
enough time here.
I felt a tremor.
A child has been
born of the mask!
Wow. A baby's born
of the mask,
so that sort of makes me
kind of like a dad, huh?
- Find it!
- The baby or the mask?
Find the baby
and you will find the mask.
Right.
Tonya, have you seen Otis?
He's in his new doghouse!
Who's a happy baby?
Who's a happy baby?
Let's blow up another one.
You like these, huh?
They're pretty!
Honey, honey, honey,
just a second ago,
he was counting the balloons.
He held up five fingers.
That's great, hon.
I gotta go.
Daniel brought in Chad
to backstab me-- oh, I mean help me--
And I gotta get to work
before he helps me out of a job.
Hey.
What do you think, Double A?
Would you watch this, huh? Hey hon,
I know I've asked like a million times,
but you happen to see that mask I was
looking for, you know the wooden one--
Okay, a billion times, and no.
Why do you need it so badly?
I don't need it.
Who said I need it? Don't need it.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye. Say "Bye, Daddy."
Bye bye.
Bye bye. Here.
You want another one?
Okay, watch, watch, watch.
"I want you to be
more like Thor."
Oh, what a jerk.
Oh hey!
It's my ear, nose and throat guy.
Odin thinks he's so great.
Hello! No one even
worships you anymore.
I could have been a doctor
if the SAT weren't
so culturally biased.
Now, let's see. Oh, "lnfectious
Diseases," that always cracks me up.
Maternity ward.
Okay, first I find
the magic baby,
then downstairs to the cafeteria
for some Jell-O brick.
Who do you have to sting to get some
answers in this place?
Bingo!
All right, here we go.
Buckle up.
Oh, hold on tight.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Okay, baby, this
is gonna hurt you
more than it's gonna hurt me.
Ah!
Okay, let's start with...
uh, July 27th.
Babies born on that day.
Oh, my. Why are there
so many babies born?
- Who are you?
- You.
- Me?
- Who?
Huh?
Hmm?
- It's okay, baby. I got him.
- Okay.
Tim.
Tim.
- Okay, it's my turn.
- No, no. It's okay, sweetie. It's okay.
- It's-- it's my turn?
- He's asleep. He's asleep.
But, baby, can you go in
late to work today?
My office just called. Um, they're
sending me to New York for a week.
- Hey, where you going?
- I'm-- I'm sorry, Daniel.
My wife's gotta go out of town
for work. It's just a week,
but I have to take care
of the baby.
Hey, you gotta do the kid
thing, I understand.
Just unfortunate timing.
The network called,
they want to see our green guy
thing by the end of the week,
but I'll just put Chad on it.
- I'm on it.
- What?
I said I need to be home,
as in my house,
but I didn't say
I couldn't work.
Line up the pitch.
I'm on it,
and I won't let you down.
Cool. Try to give it that spark I saw
at the Halloween party.
Okay.
I left all the phone numbers
on the refrigerator
and you need to give him a bath
before he goes to bed,
but don't get any water in his ears,
'cause he freaks out a little bit.
Um, and if he gets cranky,
you just put him in his car seat
and play the Baby Mozart CD, but don't
just pop him in front of the TV;,
it's gonna make him stupid.
Um, uh, if you feel
like you're drowning,
just go see Betty down the
street. She has like 10 kids.
- Honey? Do I have to mash his bananas?
- Yeah?
- I-- I--
- Okay, you're gonna be fine.
Can I say goodbye?
Mommy loves you so much.
Okay.
And Mommy loves you too.
- Mommy, I can't do this.
- Huh? You can.
- I can't.
- You can.
Mommy. Honey, take him.
- Bye.
- Honey, take him.
- I love you.
- Honey, take him.
Bye.
Bye.
Okay.
All right, Alvey.
Okay. All right.
We're gonna have a good time.
Here we go.
Come on. Yes.
Look at the pretty colors.
Oh, look! Ah, ee.
Fun, right?
Look at me!
I'm happy, I'm... happy.
Okay.
Okay, buddy,
it's just you
and me this morning
and we're gonna
have fun and gonna play.
You excited?
Okay.
- Hello?
- Hey, buddy. Can you get down here now?
- Daniel's asking for you.
- No, I can't come in right now.
- I'm stuck here with my kid.
- You'd better think of something.
He wants to see your drawings
before the pitch on Friday.
All right. I'll do the drawings now
and I'll fax 'em over after lunch.
- All right.
- Okay, bye.
Hey, pal.
Daddy's got a teensy-weensy bit
of work to do,
so can you be a good
boy and let him?
Hello?
- Honey, hey!
- Hey, hon, how you doin'?
So, how are you and Alvey doing?
Oh, we're doing fine.
Yeah, we're doing great.
Two little peas in a pod.
How's your thing going?
Good. Uh, he loved
the comps,
so now we just gotta rush
it all into production.
So, how's Alvey?
Is he eating?
How's he sleeping?
Hold on, hon.
Somebody wants to talk to you.
Hi! How's my little
womping wompet?
Oh, I miss you. I just want to kiss you
and kiss you and kiss you!
Okay, hon.
Yeah, he loves you too.
- Hurry home. Bye.
- Okay, bye.
Aww.
Well, isn't it great
that her work is going so well?
- Ma?
- Yes. Ma and her career are just--
- Did you say ma?
- Mama.
Oh my God.
You said mama!
Well, can you say "dad"
- or "da-da?"
- Mommy.
That's great!
You're doing great!
But come on,
say "da-da". Da-da
Mother.
Timmy Tyler,
are you my mask baby?
- Yes?
- Good afternoon!
- May I come in?
- Ah--
What a lovely abode.
Oh my, and such a lush carpet.
You're exactly
the kind of person
the Vacuummeister 3000
was invented for!
Well, if I don't
clean up, no one will.
That is why you need
the Vacuummeister 3000!
It has dual sweeps,
durable airpaths,
jiggle control, multi-Teflon
coated filtering
and it's built
with a direct-drive design
that is so powerful,
it sucks the dirt
off the dirt!
- Is that safe?
- Allow me to demonstrate.
- Oh, don't you need to plug it in?
- No.
This is a terrible
demonstration.
Hello, you little...
ugly thing.
Let's see if you're
the one, hmm?
Bend. Morph!
Shape shift.
Well, do something
for Odin's sake.
No!
I think it's time to introduce you
to man's best friend.
And I don't mean you, Otis.
Okay.
Mommy doesn't want me
to do this,
but what Mommy doesn't
know won't hurt her.
- ...sour cream and onion...
- Oh, look.
Hey, wait a minute.
We don't like your attitude!
Keep an eye on him, will ya?
Look at Bam Bam.
Bam! Bam!
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Bam Bam looks miserable
without Pebbles.
Bam.
Bam, bam, bam.
Smoking!
I don't know how.
I don't know which end is up.
I'm running on fumes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Yeah, I've still got the kid.
Oh God, you have no idea.
Man, they just suck
the life out of you.
I don't know what
I'm gonna do with him.
I think I may be on to something
for my pitch, though.
I don't know, it's just--
Yow! Ooh!
Hi, 911?
I already told you.
My son is bouncing
off the walls!
Yes, off the walls, the couch,
and the ceiling.
Hello. Hello? Hello?!
Don't stop, little--
- Yeah?
- Betty!
I need your help.
Tim, what's wrong?
Uh, uh, well, Tonya said
if I ever needed--
You know-- oh, uh, well, if any--
If I saw anything weird.
It's Alvey. It's Alvey.
It was Alvey. See?
He was-- he was bouncing
and he-- he did the Woody laugh,
you know...
And he was singing.
Well, lots of babies
his age sing.
Vaudeville?
Okay, I'll show you.
Okay, okay.
Here we go.
Go on. Sing.
Go on, Alvey.
Do it.
Do it.
Sing, damn it!
- Sing--
- Tim!
- He's a baby.
- Exactly my point.
I'm here to unclog your throne.
Oh, Jason Kemperbee,
be my baby.
Come on.
Hook me up.
Show me the magic.
Alvey.
Put that down.
That's Mommy and Daddy's.
Please put the fax machine down.
Want some juice?
Here, want some juice?
It's okay. Here you go, Alvey.
Have some juice.
Yeah, you like juice.
See, Alvey?
Daddy's not gonna hurt you.
Whoa! Hey!
Hey! Hey!
No! Hey! Hey! Ah!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Bam! Bam!
Rattle.
Aww, poor baby.
Huh? Oh!
Uh-oh.
- Yes?
- Hi!
Would you like
some Thin Chocolate?
Yeah, you can run,
but you can't hide!
Transformers.
Alvey?
You-- you wouldn't do that
to Da-da, would you?
I'm your dad.
C-can you say "dad"?
"Da-da"?
Madre.
This is too much too handle.
I mean, this is insanity.
Dancing?
No. No.
Shh.
Fire!
Bull's-eye!
Hmm?
Here we are by the baby.
Oh, yeah.
Who's the dog?
Who's the big dog--
Whoa!
Mommy!
I surrender.
Bye-bye.
Oh, shoot.
Oh!
Stop it!
This is insane!
Point it down!
- All done?
- Hmm.
- Hey, I'm Rod.
- Get in here!
Okay.
Uh, take a look at this.
Hey, what a cute little baby.
- Oh, of course!
- Mind if I take a look at him?
No, go ahead.
I don't care.
Come on.
Do something crazy.
Yeah, do something crazy!
Crap! Huh-uh, huh-uh.
Damn it. This isn't
the right one either.
Hey!
What are you doing?
Uh, I left your package
in the foyer.
Do I have a package? Okay.
Oh well.
What happened?
You did this to me.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to drive me crazy.
You're a cunning
little mastermind
who will stop at
nothing until I go
completely insane.
Well, come on.
Start dancing again.
Start screwing with my mind!
Start, huh?
Come on!
Why aren't you
screwing with my mind?
Maybe I am just going crazy.
Maybe I am just going crazy.
Maybe I am just going crazy.
Maybe I am just going crazy.
Maybe I am just going--
That's it, buddy.
First I'm taking you to a pediatrician,
then I'm taking you
to an exorcist.
Who are you?!
Oh my G--
My son is the devil.
My son is the devil.
Oh my Odin, it is him.
We're just going to have
a nice little drive,
while Daddy has
a nervous breakdown.
Please leave a message.
Tonya, it's Betty.
You said I should keep an eye out
and call you if there
are any problems?
I think there's a problem.
No parking there.
That's a handicapped zone!
Hey! Sir?
Hey, wait!
Stop! You!
Hey!
What is it?
- Ah!
- Okay, where is the mask?
- What?
- The mask. My mask. Where is it?
What are you talking
about? Who are you?
I am Loki, God of Mischief.
Yeah, and I'm Tim, God of Crazy
Babyland. Will you get out of the way?
That baby is born
of the mask-- my mask.
- Now, where is it?!
- Born of the mask-- what?
Oh, so that explains why
he could pee like that!
But wait a minute.
This is my baby.
I don't care about that.
Just give me my mask!
- I don't know where it is.
- Oh really?
Maybe this will jog your memory!
- Loki!!
- Dad?!
I've warned you! You've
left me no other choice.
I don't have time for this.
Look, Dad, there's Balder.
- Just give me the mask.
- I don't have it.
I think my dog ate it.
That is the oldest
excuse in the book,
and I've read some really,
really old books.
But if you want
to do this the hard way...
so be it.
Oh, you're good.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
You really are a chip
off the old block.
But I don't have time for this.
Prepare to feel my true power!
:Tim: [in Odin's voice] LOKI! You have defied me for the last time. [salutes] I've had it up to here with you!
:Loki: Dad, please, listen to me. You're holding the baby.
:Tim: Silence! You have left me no choice.
:Loki: Listen, listen... 
:Tim: You are here by stripped of your immortal powers and forever banished to the land of mortals.
:Loki: No. Please, hear me out. That baby... 
:Tim: Whoa.
- Pretty.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
- Hello?
- Where the hell are you, homes?
Your pitch meeting
is starting right now.
Um, I just met Green.
- Loki.
- Snap out of it.
Where are you?
I'll pick you up.
What's the deal, Tim?
I get you a network pitch,
and you repay me by showing up
20 minutes late
looking like an escaped
mental patient?
Andwith a kid?
Huh?
This is Tim Avery.
He created the character,
so why don't I just let him
tell you more about it?
Tim?
Tim?
Guys, I could walk.
I-I guess he didn't
like the pitch.
I just--
I wanna get all my stuff.
Tim?
Pick up the phone!
Tim!
Betty just called.
She's completely freaked out!
Oh, God. Call me the second
you get this message.
Hey, it's me.
Uh, got your message.
Well, things are
really great here.
Uh, me and Alvey got chased
by a guy named Loki.
Well, that's not important.
I pitched, uh, my show today,
and, um...
I got fired.
Yeah.
Um...
but Alvey pooped,
which is good, and, uh...
and Alvey saved me.
It was amazing.
But, uh, uh,
the main thing is, uh,
we're totally fine.
Everything's great.
Um, better than fine, actually.
Alvey's great.
I love you.
Okay, bye.
Whoa!
By Kylvie, King of Svitjod,
Houthedy and Yppor.
I summon thee, God of Gunningap
- Nifleheim, Kvelge--
- Tim?
Tim? Is that you?
Tim!
Kvelgemir!
Who summons Odin,
- Allfather of the gods?
- Shh!
- G-- Loki?!
- Shh!
- You'll wake the baby.
- Oh, sorry.
Loki, is that you?
Tim.
What are you doing in there?
You did the conjuring ceremony
- by yourself?
- I pay attention.
- Sometimes.
- But you don't have the mask.
- Well, yeah, that's why I--
- Rules are rules, Loki!!
And I specifically-- ow!
Could you just stop lecturing me
for one minute and listen?!
I found the baby.
He's right there.
- That child is strong.
- Mmm.
Very strong.
I had him before.
I was this close,
but you took my powers
and they got away.
So, please, father,
give me my powers
and I will give you the mask.
Very well.
Your resourcefulness pleases me,
and your mother says
we should be trying
"positive reinforcement,"
whatever the Helveti that is.
So, as a reward,
I shall grant you a reprieve.
You have until
the sands have fallen.
Oh, hey, hey.
Wait, wait. Hang on.
- Hmm?
- I want to sync up.
Ready... now!
Don't disappoint me, Loki.
Use your powers wisely
and complete your task.
This truly is
your final chance!
Tim.
What's going on up there?
Tim Avery, what are
you doing in there?
Hmm.
Nosy neighbors.
Ah--ah--choo!
- Guess who?
- No! Ah!
Tim, snap out of it!
Baby?
- Is that you?
- Of course it's me.
What are you doing up so late?
- And where's Alvey?
- Seriously.
Is that really you?
No, you idiot.
Oh God.
Ah-- what-- I--
Oh Jeez.
Bro, listen.
I'm a god.
I can shape shift.
I can create stuff
out of nothingness.
I can alter
the fabric of reality,
so, please, quit being
a knucklehead.
- What do you want from us?
- Oh, don't worry.
I'm not gonna hurt you...
yet!
This baby was born
out of the mask,
and I want my mask back!
Meet me in exactly one hour.
So you find the mask
and meet me at-- hmm.
Where shall we meet?
Um, how about Red Lobster?
It's always so difficult getting a table
there, especially on Fridays
- when they do that special.
- There's a wick burning.
Well, how about we meet
in an alley in the city?
- There's a wick--
- Met at one before.
- Sure, it's a little cliche...
- Sir, your--
But it's not so cliche that I think
to myself, "Wow, that's too cliche!"
- But-- it-- it--
- Meet me in that alley within the hour,
with the mask,
if you ever want to see
your little monster again.
No!
Alvey! No!
What-- Tim?
Tim?!
Alvey?!
Oh God. Tim!
What are you-- what are you--
Tim.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Get off of me!
Get out of there, Loki!
Where's my son, you mongrel from hell?
Tim! Ah!
Tonya?!
Tonya!
Oh, it's really you.
- Oh my God.
- Oh God, I'm so sorry.
Betty was right.
You have gone crazy.
No, I haven't.
I thought I did, but I didn't.
Where's Alvey?
- Okay, don't freak out.
- Where's Alvey?!
- You're freaking out.
- Where's my baby?!
- Loki t-took him.
- Took him?!
Oh my God.
Did you call the police?!
- No, I--
- Oh my God.
Tonya, listen!
- This is an emergency!
- Tonya!!
- My son is missing--
- No, Tonya, listen!
The police can't help us!
He's the freaking God of Mischief.
All he wants is his mask,
which Otis is wearing.
And if I can just figure
out where Otis is, I can just--
Of course!
Our child is missing and you're worried
about the damned dog?!
This is crazy!
See what I'm talking about?
Now, you're gonna
have to trust me
and get in the car, because I know where
Alvey is and I know how to get him back,
because I know the one place
Otis the moose would go.
See there's this really
cute pooch Venus.
Otis?
Otis!
That's not Otis!
That's a green critter.
I'm sorry, okay?
I've ignored you
and I've been impatient,
but I need you, buddy.
Loki, that guy that made the mask?
He wants it back.
He has Alvey.
And he's a bad guy, Otis.
He hates dogs.
He doesn't realize that dogs
are truly man's best friend.
- Huh?
- You heard me.
You're this man's best friend.
But Alvey's my son
which sort of makes you
like his big brother.
And when he grows up,
he's gonna be your bestest friend.
But right now, he needs you
and he needs that mask.
All right.
So, I guess you're
kinda cute, huh?
Um, can you, like,
do anything you want, like me?
I mean, can you do this?
Wow.
Well, look at you!
You're just a little
outlaw, ain't you?
Okay, hombre. Let's see how tough
your rawhide can be.
Gotcha.
I like it!
So, you like games, huh?
Well you'd better watch out
'cause I've got a game
that no one can beat me at.
Super Twister!
It's just around
the corner, right here.
Here we go.
Isn't this fun?
Whoa!
Whoa!
No fair! That crash
threw me. Rematch!
Okay, you give me Alvey,
and the mask is yours.
I can't let go.
I've grown attached.
- Alvey!
- Hey, we had a deal!
I'm the God of friggin' Mischief,
what did you expect?
- Huh.
- Hey, Loki.
Honey, you look hot.
Give me back my son!
Um... no.
Honey, I think
it's time we trade up.
Buckle up, baby.
Listen to Loki, kid.
Dads are overrated
and I speak from experience.
Ah, there's nothing
like a Sunday drive.
You wanna have some fun,
kid, you stick with me.
All right. It's time
to lose them for good.
Oh, look out,
look out, look out!
Yahoo!
Whoa!!
Hey, babe, look.
No hands. I'm kidding.
Let's just finish this.
Now, where did he go?
- Hmm.
- Uh, honey?
I think, maybe, there?
And here he is, folks,
the failure of Fringe City,
Yes, it's Tim "No-win" Avery!
Tim, it's Alvey.
I'm gonna go get him.
Kick his can, honey.
Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.
Hi, baby.
Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
Oh, yeah? Well, jump
like a grasshopper
and stink like a skunk!
Caught me with my mouth open!
You can't fight me
if you're locked in a trunk.
Huh?
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Let's get out of this dump.
Come on.
And Loki said, "Let there
be a brick wall!"
And there was!
Okay!
No more Mr. Nice Guy!
Say hello to my little friend!
Tim! Tim!
Here's Loki!
Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim, T-T-T-T-T--
Wait.
This is a waste of time.
We're evenly-matched opponents.
I think we should
let the kid decide.
Why, that's a swell idea.
Alvey, this is your decision.
- Pick me, pick me!
- Alvey?
- I'm your real dad!
- Come on, you little devil. Let's play!
- Come on, Alvey.
- Alvey.
Alvey?
- Yeah, that's right.
- Tim!
Son.
Alvey, look at me.
It's your dad.
There's no more superpowers.
I know at first
I was kind of a jerk.
I didn't know
how to handle a son,
but you helped me grow up.
And I want to repay you
by helping you grow up.
I love you.
Come on.
- Da-da.
- Oh, Alvey.
It's my son.
Yes.
I just wanted a friend.
Push! Push!
Huh?
Off the throne.
He's off the throne. That's not good.
Your time is up, son.
As expected, you failed
in your promise.
You failed in your quest.
You are, in every sense
of the word,
- a failure.
- And I thought your dad was mean.
Hey, we both knew
it would end like this, right?
You always set me up to fail.
At least in that respect,
- I'm living up to your expectations.
- Silence!
You've brought me
much pain, Loki.
Right back at you, Dad.
- Hey!
- Tim, no!
Hang on just a minute,
Grizzly Adams.
I don't know how things work
in the god world,
but you're his father,
he's your son.
And even if you banish him,
he's still gonna be your son.
There is nothing more important
in this entire universe
than your relationship
with your family,
especially if you're immortal.
You're like 1,000,
he's like 800,
so you might as well
get things right now
and enjoy the rest
of your eternal life.
Here's the thing.
Just take it.
Okay?
Loosen up.
Come on, son.
Let's go home.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Godspeed.
Maybe now, I can help you
patch things up with Mom?
Don't push it.
A baby and a dog competing
for Dad's attention--
I love it.
Simple, but it's-- it's got--
- Spark?
- Yes.
Where did you get the idea?
Well, I just kind of quit
trying so hard and...
the idea just came to me.
It's great.
[last lines]
:Tonya: Yeah! Yeah! Honey, oh, that was such a good show. But, I think you might need to add another character.
:Tim: What? Really?
:Tonya: Yeah. [she and Tim kissing each other]
:Tim: What do you think about that, Double A? A little brother or sister? How does that sound? [Alvey winks]
Category:Transcripts
Category:New Line Cinema Transcripts