Hotel Transylvania: Underneath Kakie's Mask

Today was our annual vampire party that we have every year. If you don't know, it's the anniversary of the day I got my fangs, became a true vampire, and saved the hotel from Bela. It's basically an early Christmas morning.
When we opened our presents, my dad gave me something very special. It was a DVD, or should I say a case with multiple DVDs, of the newest season of Kakie the Cake Monster. Dad explained to me that he found it at Goodwill. I thanked him for it. As you know, I'm a REALLY big fan of Kakie, so I couldn't wait to watch it.
Later that day, I met up with Winnie in her treehouse so that we could watch the new season of Kakie. She brought her dad's portable DVD player with her for us to watch them on. I opened up the case and flipped through the DVDs to pick which one we should watch first. They all were labeled the episodes and the songs that were featured in them, such as "Kakie the Cake Monster S4E2 - GGG" (Groovy Groovy Giraffe), "Kakie the Cake Monster S4E5 - FLRPR" (Flower Power), and "Kakie the Cake Monster S4E8 - IDNSR" (I'm a Dinosaur). That's when I got to the very last DVD, which read:
KAKIE THE CAKE MONSTER S4E12 - HLSTN666
I couldn't figure out what those letters stood for. The only thing that I did notice was that it featured the number of the beast. Since I've known Kakie for a long time, I'm pretty sure that given his target audience, he wouldn't show such a thing.
I showed the DVD to Winnie and she was interested in it. We put the DVD into the DVD player to watch it. It started off as a normal Kakie episode just like always, until Kakie pulled out a guitar and said "Hey kids, I'm going to sing a rock song all about cake in my own language, Kakiesse! Be sure to sing along with me!"
I was confused by the fact that Kakie was going to sing the song in a different language, but that didn't matter. We thought that the song was going to be one of those children's-styled rock songs, but.....
.....Kakie was singing a death metal song.
Just like he said, he was also singing it in some weird language. The English lyric translations were below so you could sing along with him, but they didn't really follow up with the way he was singing. It didn't even sound like a Kakie song, but some sort of elaborate prank.
Winnie was so spooked by the death metal song that she wanted to watch this horror movie she really liked called "Mafia Zombie Lunatics from Hell", which she brought, but I decided that one of Mom's romantic comedies would be more age-appropriate.
Afterwards, we decided to go see Uncle Murray, as he was the expert in music.
Murray - "Hey Dennis, my little man! How you doing?"
We told him about the death metal and even got him to listen to it, but he couldn't recognize it and said that Kakie was probably just speaking gibberish on purpose to sound like his own language.
He did have a point. Whatever language this song was, it definitely wasn't in English. We needed a linguist to help us, but there aren't that many in Transylvania and even less of them would be willing to help two kids understand the meaning behind a song.
Then I remembered that Dad had an audio and video editing software on his laptop. Since Mom and Dad were out, we put the DVD in the laptop and uploaded the audio clip where Kakie sings into the editing software. We ended up slowing it down and speeding it up to see if it would make any sense, but it didn't work. Then I tried playing it backwards and it finally started to make sense:
"____ your parents and ____ the law! Feel free to shut your gaping maw!"
From what I could understand, the song was about a guy who murders his parents and police officers so that he can be "cool" and "interesting". I know Kakie would never make a song about such a topic.
However, the weirdest part of all this was probably the fact that we couldn't find out what the song was called or who wrote it. Me and Winnie didn't know anything about this kind of music and we couldn't find anything about that song, even though we looked up every single lyric in it.
So I decided to go see Uncle Murray again. I told him what I found and had him listen to the reversed version of the song. What he ended up telling me was shocking.
Murray - "Woah, this sounds an awful lot like Bloody Rose."
I had no idea what Uncle Murray was talking about, so I looked up Bloody Rose. Turns out it was a Dutch heavy metal band consisting of three guys whose names I can't pronounce. From what I've read, the band was active until about ten years ago, when one of the band's members died in a car crash after kidnapping and murdering several women.
I don't know what Bloody Rose had to do with Kakie, but I did find out that the first episode of Kakie the Cake Monster was released after Bloody Rose's lead singer died. Sure, this could be a coincidence, but I find it really strange that Kakie hid a death metal song in a kid's DVD.
At first, I guessed that reversing a song to create a song in Kakie's own language was intentional, either one of Bloody Rose's songs was left in Kakie's studio and someone who worked there ended up finding it or it was uploaded by a rogue worker who was fired and wanted revenge. I searched "Bloody Rose Kakie" just to be sure and ended up finding a strange website. It was a sketchy-looking website from what humans refer to as the "Dark Web" that created disturbing theories. This one I found was titled:
=== THEORY #22406 - Joop Vanderkoerp of Bloody Rose faked his death; he lives on as Kakie the Cake Monster ===
I'm pretty sure this was just some kind of website used to just scare people, but then I did some research. Every time Kakie enters his studio, he always comes in wearing the Kakie costume. He never takes it off and even the Kakie workers refer to him as "Kakie". None of them knew his true identity and they never saw him without the costume. He never took it off even during his "Behind the Scenes" videos. Also, during the credits of every episode, Kakie is credited as "as himself" instead of the puppeteer's name, despite both of Wuzzlelumplebum's puppeteers (he was played by two people) being credited.
After that, I searched for Kakie-related articles on various news websites and discovered that an alarming amount of them were related to Kakie featuring "inappropriate content" in his episodes and songs. I personally don't think "The scariest monster is diabetes" is that inappropriate for kids, but I noticed that the quote appeared in ALL of his episodes.
Speaking of inappropriate lyrics, Bloody Rose has got to be the most foul-mouthed band that ever lived. All of their songs are about rape, incest, necrophilia, murder, diseases, pedophilia, abortion, and suicide. There's at least ten swears in each of their songs.
"Now stop _______ around, 'cause I'm chasin' my dream! No, I'd love to hear you _______ scream!"
I watched several Bloody Rose videos, all with the volume as low as possible so that Mom wouldn't hear me. But even then, I noticed the lead singer sounded an awful lot like Kakie. Since I'm one of Kakie's fans, I swear that was his voice.
"_______ riot in the street, 'cause we never miss a beat!"
I sent Winnie links to the article, as well as several Bloody Rose videos. Her parents don't let her listen to that kind of music, but of course, we needed to work together to find out the mystery of that song.
Apparently, Winnie was more intrigued than I was by Kakie's connection to Bloody Rose. She ended up looking through Kakie's website and found one video where Kakie accidentally trips during one of his live performances and his mask partially comes up to show the person underneath. They had the EXACT same mustache as the lead singer of Bloody Rose!
Also, she pointed out that he used the word "sexy" in one of his stories and I'm pretty sure parents don't want their children learning that word. I mean, Mom STILL doesn't want me to say it in front of her.
But other than that, I still had no idea how to prove that Kakie and the Bloody Rose guy were the same person. That's when Papa Drac told me that Kakie was performing live at Camp Winnepacaca tonight, and he wanted everyone to go, me, my parents, my uncles and aunts, and all of the kids at the hotel too. He's also going to have a meet-and-greet before the show, so I can probably bring a Bloody Rose CD and see if he'll sign it.
I went into the back room where Papa Drac keeps all of his CDs for stage performances until I finally found a Bloody Rose CD. On my way back to see Winnie, I noticed that Mom had dropped one of her listing books in the lobby. It was opened and the first note read:
"Tuesday,
Meet up with Wanda and the association. We want to protest against Kakie!"
I was surprised that Mom was protesting against Kakie even though she knows how much I'm a big fan of him. I also noticed she was teaming up with Aunt Wanda to do so. I guess they're both members of the Soccer Moms of Transylvania Association, which is basically a bunch of moms who try to ban anything they've considered "inappropriate". They're the main reason Kakie's been criticized for saying his quote "The scariest monster is diabetes".
Afterwards, I went back to see Winnie to see if she found anything else about Kakie. As it turns out, she didn't find the original source for the article about Bloody Rose's singer dying in a car crash. Apparently, the only place where that was stated was a free-to-edit site.
I told Winnie about my plan to show Kakie the CD from his previous life. To be honest, she wasn't quite as enthusiastic as I was.
Dennis - "I mean, how else are we gonna confirm this?"
Winnie - "Okay, but couldn't you do it in a more private venue?"
Dennis - "Well, it's a good thing Kakie's having a meet-and-greet right before his show!"
Winnie - "Alright then, I guess I'm okay with that, I just hope our parents don't find out."
I then told Winnie what Mom and Aunt Wanda were doing, to which she said that they were "over-controlling". I can only agree with her since Mom won't let me watch any movies rated PG-13 or above, even though I turned 13 a few years ago.
At least Winnie was still on board with my plan, but she did have a point. I'll give these soccer moms something serious to complain about. If they're outraged by Kakie saying that the scariest monster is diabetes, who knows how they'll react to discovering his past life.
It was finally night. Papa Drac took everyone to Camp Winnepacaca to see Kakie. The Kakie meet-and-greet was just starting. Me and Winnie waited in line behind all those campers until finally, we got to the front of the line and got to meet Kakie. We both took turns giving him a hug and he asked if we wanted cake. I showed him the Bloody Rose CD and asked him if he knew anything about it.
Kakie tried to deny knowing anything about Bloody Rose, but it was pretty obvious he was lying.
Kakie - "I don't know who they are, but I do know that you should not be listening to anything like that, or else you'll be in trouble."
I guess Kakie only got away with his crimes for so long by targeting kids since they didn't know anything about Bloody Rose. When he asked us if we had anything to autograph, I showed him the CD that Dad gave me.
Unsurprisingly, he came up with a backstory for that too:
Kakie - "Oh dear! My company must've accidentally switched my brand new song with one of that band's by accident! You see, the song that was supposed to be on that CD was, uh, Runny Nose."
Dennis - "Wait, what? Runny Nose?"
I thought we were done, but just as we were about to leave, Kakie suddenly yelled at us:
Kakie - "I bet you thought you could ____ up my life and ruin my career, huh?! But I got the last laugh here! I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!"
Kakie then pulled out a knife and then started chasing us around screaming various profanities at us. I thought this was the end for me, I was going to be murdered by my own idol. Eventually, we both got stuck in a corner. We thought we were doomed, but just as Kakie was about to strike, MOM arrived!
Mavis - "If you lay a finger on my son and his friend, I will make you regret you were born, you poor excuse of a children's show mascot!"
I thought she was going to fight off Kakie or use her powers to freeze him, but no. She instead proceeded to lecture Kakie about how you can't solve anything with violence. She gave Kakie the same kind of lecture that she used to give me when I was a kid. I'm not sure if it had the same effect on a grown man as it would have on a kid, but it was enough for Kakie to revert back to his original personality and apologize to us.
After that, security kicked us out and Mom offered to drive us home. Though, she did have one question for us:
Mavis - "What exactly were you doing in there anyways?"
I couldn't think of a lie that Mom would believe and I ended up telling her the truth. This turned out to be enough for her to call the cops on Kakie once we got home. I guess it's a victory for the Soccer Moms then.
The next day, Kakie made it onto the front page of the newspaper. He was arrested and killed after what happened last night, bringing an end to his decade-long escape.
=== Kakie the Cake Monster revealed as former Bloody Rose singer Joop Vanderkoerp, executed for murder of 12 ===
The show's finally over for Kakie the Cake Monster as the cake-loving children's mascot revealed himself as Joop Vanderkoerp, the former lead singer of the Dutch heavy metal band Bloody Rose, during a confrontation with his fans. Vanderkoerp was believed to have died in a car crash after murdering 12 women. "Finally, the violent man who tries to portray himself as a children's mascot is where he belongs." states the daughter of Count Dracula and Soccer Moms of Transylvania Association member Mavis Loughran. Mrs. Loughran's son was actually involved in the incident where Kakie revealed his true identity. The incident itself reportedly involved Kakie swearing at the boy and his girlfriend, before he attempted to kill both of them with a knife. After Mrs. Loughran threatened Kakie, he apologized and went on with his show until she called the police on him. Kakie was found guilty of all charges and was sentenced to be executed via lethal injection.
After the Kakie incident, Mom's been trying to get us to stop listening to singers who "don't know how to treat women properly". Apparently, she went through the back room where Papa Drac's stage performance CDs were kept and destroyed the ones by singers who did stuff similar to what Kakie did, despite Papa Drac, Dad, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Murray, Uncle Frank, Uncle Griffin, and others telling her that she was going too far. Aunt Wanda also helped her to BURN all of my Kakie merchandise and the DVDs that Dad gave me after she found out who Kakie really was.
Me and Winnie are still trying to recover from that experience. I even got a CD I found in a box of free stuff across the street:
STD: THE VERY BEST
I know this girl group's got a very unfortunate name, but all the other CDs in the box were rap music and I don't think Winnie's parents will EVER let her listen to that. Besides, all the songs on this CD are in Korean, so it's not like we or our parents will know what they're trying to say anyways.
I've heard that humans who listen to K-pop music tend to be pretty weird, but at least it's helping us get our minds off of Kakie. It's not much, but I'm sure we'll be alright in the end. Though, I guess that even Kakie was cool before he ruined his career by killing all those women and then hiding his identity by becoming a children's show mascot.
Category:Hotel Transylvania
Category:Mature
Category:Fan Fiction
Category:Fanfiction
Category:Fanfics