Temple 40

Chapter 40
Kahlan emerges from the sliph, and manages to remember that she has to breathe or she'll die. She's in Agaden Reach, which is dark and gloomy and full of sound effects from old Tarzan films: "Whoops, clicks, and calls echoed through the stagnant stink." 
Kahlan walks a short way - noting that she has no idea which direction she's travelling - before she is jumped by Samuel, the shameless Gollum ripoff from Book 1. Gollum calles her "pretty lady" and gropes her \~/ and threatens to eat her. Kahlan threatens him with her bone knife, and Gollum backs down, but says that Shota knew Kahlan was coming. Kahlan orders Gollum to lead her to Shota.
Gollum does so, and we get a few more scraps of description, including that he is "stocky" and wears "pants held up with straps.
All the most terrifying monsters wear lederhosen. \~/
Gollum leads Kahlan to the gorgeous valley where Shota lives, and there's reference to "Shota's graceful palace. Colorful flags flew atop towers and turrets as if to announce a festival.
Wait; Shota has a palace? When did this happen?
Actually, it appears that Shota does have a palace and I just missed it. It's still stupid. Palaces are huge, and require a commesurately huge staff to keep them operating. Why do one lone woman and her servant need a palace tucked away in a remote valley?
Kahlan keeps reminding herself that Shota "wanted to harm Richard" and "wanted to deny Richard happiness," thus justifying her impending assassination. Because interfering with someone's wedding plans is morally identical to plotting their painful death, and should be met with overwhelming, lethal force. \~/
There are several tortured sentences that mean nothing, and Kahlan starts putting off sparks of blue electricity, and mentally ranting about how she has the power to level mountains, and how she's going to reduce Shota to dust. Kahlan finally reaches Shota, who is sitting at a table set with food and drink in the middle of a grove of trees. Some more of the pointless gold gargoyles are there as well.
"Kahlan halted, not far away, under the witch woman's rock-hard, penetrating gaze."
Dammit Shota, quit eye-fucking Kahlan! \~/
Shota politely welcomes Kahlan, inviting her to have tea, which tea she warms with a spontaneous lightning bolt. Kahlan sits and has some tea and toast. Then we get a rather awesome sequence where Shota calls Kahlan out on her twisted rationalizations, which simply has to be quoted:
"Eat, child. Murder is always best accomplished on a full stomach.""I have not come to murder you."Shota's sly smile returned. "No, I suppose you have managed to justify it to yourself. Retribution, is it? Or perhaps self-defense. Punishment? Recompense? Justice?" The smooth smile widened. An eyebrow arched. "Bad manners?""You sent Nadine to marry Richard.""Ahh. Jealousy, then."
I kind of love Shota now.
Kahlan says that she and Richard are Twu Wuvs, and wants to know why Shota is being a big meanie-pants. Shota, like all seers and prophets, refuses to give Kahlan a clear answer and instead insists that she is trying to help, and that Kahlan is blind and stupid. We then turn to the topic of Kahlan and Richard's sex life, a topic I find almost as appealing as a sewage treatment plant. Short version: Kahlan insists that they have, like, totally had all the sex, and Shota tells her that Magic Spirit Sex doesn't count because it can't get Kahlan pregnant. This nonsense takes up half a page of high-school bickering.
Shota insists that if Kahlan and Richard ever do the horizontal tango, Kahlan will conceive, and their offspring will be male, with a Mindrapist's power as well as that of a wizard; and remember, male Mindrapists are always, always evil. Because reasons. Shut up. Also, there's another reminder of how the Mindrapists are all heartless baby-murderers who force their slave-mates to murder their own children.
Still not going to forget that. \~/
Kahlan correctly points out that Shota's prophetic ability has been wrong before, and had they followed his advice a couple of books ago, Darken Rahl would have won.
She notes that Shota said she'd be forever grateful, and Shota insists that she is grateful, and denies that she sent Gollum to hurt Kahlan. There's a pointless scene to establish that Gollum was acting on his own, and then we return to Kahlan being petty and childish, insisting that Shota can't hurt her and had better not try, and Shota calmly reiterating that she doesn't want to hurt Kahlan. Again, it's all very juvenile and makes Kahlan look less like a strong-willed heroine and more like a child trying to goad someone into attacking her so she can run to Mommy. \~/
Shota rather magnificently informs Kahlan that if she wanted to hurt her, she could have simply poisoned the tea. She tells Kahlan that "Your arrogant certitude frightens me."
Kahlan spontaneously realizes that she's being a selfish, spoiled twit. After half a page of inner monologue, she admits she was wrong and asks Shota for her help against the plague.
Drinks: 6
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