Freedom, Part 2/Grey Matter

The End of the Beginning...
Original Airdate: 5-22-08
So that was Season Four.
Right after we finished filming the finale of Season Three, I sat down with the Grey’s writing staff and I pitched them the last scene of Season Four. That’s how I do it. I start at the end. When Season Two concluded, I pitched the image of Cristina tearing off her wedding dress and crying in Meredith’s arms. For this season, I knew immediately that I wanted more hope. I knew I personally NEEDED more hope. So I pitched Meredith standing on Derek’s land in a field of candles telling Derek where the living room could be, where the kitchen could be, where the kids could play. Because I wanted them together. I hated them being apart. It made me sad. It made me sad in a way that was bad for me and for everyone around me. 
But I also knew that, in order for Meredith to stand in that field of candles, she had to get there. Inside. Now I’m not an oogey inside person. I don’t do warm and fuzzy and I certainly don’t believe in therapy. For other people, it’s fine (yay, therapy!). For me, not so much. I write – that’s how I deal with my insides. And Meredith, she performs surgery – that’s how she deals with hers.
But in order to get her to a place where she could stand in that field of candles, Mer needed a little help. Professional help. Which shocked my writers. Cause they know how I feel about therapy. But I knew something they did not. Something I’d been keeping to myself for four seasons. Which was the fact that Meredith sat on the kitchen floor in a pool of her mother’s blood after her mother attempted suicide. See what I mean about me not being warm and fuzzy? Nothing warm and fuzzy about pools of blood. Which is why I kept that detail to myself. When you say things like that in a writers’ room, people tend to look at you funny. People tend to suggest that YOU need therapy. So I kept it to myself. For four long seasons. I didn’t even tell Debora Cahn, the writer of the episode in which Meredith CONFESSES her mother’s suicide to Dr. Wyatt. Not until the last possible second.
We’d have these discussions about Deb Cahn’s episode in the writers’ room where everyone would ask “Shonda, what is Meredith going to TELL Dr. Wyatt in this last scene? WHAT?” And I’d be all, “I don’t know. Stop talking about it.” And they’d sigh and shoot each other these looks. They love me but still, there were looks.
I’d like to point out that it is RUDE not to tell details like that to your writing staff. It is cold and withholding, to use therapy-speak. But I just couldn’t do it. Because of two things: one, while I had pitched Meredith all whole and healed in a field of candles, I wasn’t sure I could get to a place where I BELIEVED that Meredith would ever go to the field. And two, I love Ellis Grey. Love her. Even though she is dead. I think she is fantastic. And I couldn’t figure out, couldn’t fathom, what a mother says to her child when she is bleeding to death on the kitchen floor from self-inflicted wounds. For a long time, I felt like anything she would have said to a five year old kid in that moment would make her a monster. Because I have a five year old kid. And I can’t imagine doing something so horrible and damaging to her. What do you say to your child at a time like that? Why is your child even there? How do you redeem yourself in that horrifying moment?
And then I realized: be extraordinary. Be an extraordinary woman, Meredith. If you’ll remember, in Season Three when Ellis was lucid, she tells Meredith, “I raised you to be an extraordinary woman, Meredith and imagine my disappointment at realizing you are no more than ordinary.” That’s what she says in the episode RIGHT BEFORE Meredith falls in the water and chooses to stop swimming. To let herself go. That was Meredith’s own pool of blood.
So suddenly, I had my answer. Ellis would lie there in her blood and tell Meredith to be an extraordinary woman. To not depend on anyone. And she wouldn’t be talking about surgery. But Meredith, at five years old, could not possibly know that. And she’d become the surgeon in training who screws boys like a whore on tequila and then tries to drown herself. Instead of realizing what Ellis actually meant -- don’t have ordinary love. Have extraordinary love. And that made it all possible. It made it possible for Mer to stand in a field of candles because once she realizes that, her whole world opens up. She can just stand there in her joy.
But like I said, I don’t do warm and fuzzy. So that last scene, it was hard for me. To let her be oogey on the inside. So instead, Meredith is screaming and pacing and cursing like a fishwife. Because that’s how we do things at Grey’s. She’s going to love Derek and be with Derek but she’s going to go in kicking and screaming. And then I really didn’t want to just end with the two of them kissing. Everyone said, “end with the kiss, end with the kiss, end with THE KISS.” And I was all stubborn about it. Because this episode, it’s not about the kiss. It’s about the moment AFTER the kiss. It’s about the moment when she’s standing in the field of candles alone having just DONE the thing she was most scared of doing. She is free. She is free. And you’ll notice, there’s no voice over there, no Meredith telling us anything. Because, for once, my girl Meredith is speechless. 
There were other kisses in the episode. Maybe you noticed? Callie and Erica. Callie and Erica!! My god, did we discuss this a lot around here. Because Callie kisses a girl. We had this really cool meeting with GLAAD where we talked about the idea that a woman could decide she had feelings for another woman after being perfectly happy with men and we all got joyous because the chemistry between Callie and Erica and Mark is hot and interesting and fresh and like nothing any of us had seen on TV before. And we wanted it to be real – not some stunt to get people talking. We wanted to see what would happen if a woman suddenly had feelings for another woman. Because that has got to be surprising. And it is for Callie who so likes men. Who so likes sleeping with men. You’ll be very surprised when you find out where this story is heading next season. Because we don’t do things the easy way. And none of this will be easy. Not for Callie. Not for Erica. And not for Mark Sloan…
How much do I love Mark Sloan? He’s a dirty pretty manwhore who ends up being a hero. And I love him for it. Not that he’s going to become a good guy. He’s no white hat. But for one moment, he did what he thought was the right thing. Because if there’s one thing he understands, it’s getting turned on by someone. And who is he to deny that?
Okay, there is more to say. I have more to say. About George and Lexie. About Alex and Ava/Rebecca and Izzie. About Bailey. About the Chief. About Rose. And about Cristina. Oh, do I have more to say.
But my fingers are tired. From writing all the kissing. So I’m going to end this now and post it. But I will write more tomorrow. I’ll finish what I started. But right now, I’ve got to head into the writers’ room and pitch them the end of Season Five…
Thank you so much for watching the show. Every single time you watch an episode, we are grateful. You are all extraordinary.
The Blog Between The Blogs:
I know, I know. I said that I would say more. Blog more. Tell you more stuff about the finale. But a couple of things are going on. Things I have to do before I can sit down and write properly.
One: Private Practice begins shooting this week and I’ve got to make sure Addison is all taken care of.
Two: The NATIONAL SPELLING BEE is this week! NATIONAL! SPELLING! BEE! Channel your inner speller or your non-inner speller and check it out on ESPN on Friday. Why is this keeping me from talking to you about Izzie and Alex? Because every year, I head over to my favorite website: http://throwingthings.blogspot.com/. I head over there and I blog about the Bee.
Minute by minute. 
Now, if you don’t know what is super fun and crazy awesome about watching kids spell words, you have never seen the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It rocks. It rocks hard.
I’m not kidding.
I’m seriously not kidding.
The Bee rocks and I’m not saying that because it is on ESPN and ABC. I’ve been a fan of the Bee for many years and this year, I’ll be at http://throwingthings.blogspot.com/ doing my best to write interesting commentary on the Bee along with the super smart and funny other bloggers over there. Join us.
Come on…you know you want to…
And I’ll be back on Saturday to talk about the kissing. When the Spelling Bee is over…
The End of the Beginning... Part II...
The end of Season Five? Pitched. I’m not teasing you by saying that. Not teasing by saying Season Five will be the most exciting, fly by the seat of your pants/skirts, “Oh My God Did That Just Happen???!” Season of Grey’s Anatomy EVER.
But we’re not there yet. We’re here. At the end of Season Four. Which, is technically over but personally, I’m still reeling from it as most of you may be. So where was I?
Oh yeah. The kissing. The healing. The extraordinary of it all. And, the blood. Lots of blood from Ava/Rebecca. She tried didn’t she? To be the woman for Alex. She tried to be the person in his life that he could trust and lean on. She wanted to, in a sense take care of him because we all know that Alex has never really been taken care of by anyone before. He’s the kid we all feel sorry for. The kid who had to fend for himself his entire life and fight for everything he’s ever gotten. Ava wanted to be that one person for him. The one person who, at the end of the day, could lay his head on her shoulder and let the weight of the world go. And she tried you guys. Tried so hard but just couldn’t fight what was taking over. So Alex had to say goodbye. And we all know Alex. Nothing gets to him, but this did. And it broke my heart to see him crying on his bed. I felt let in to Alex for the first time. I feel as if I’m starting to know him. And I realize that Alex DOES want more. He just doesn’t know how to attain it. He had some hope that this time, it would all work out. This time, he would save her and all would be well in the end. Because this time, he’s an adult, a man who saves lives, literally so of course he can save this one life that means so much to him. Right? My heart breaks for him because he couldn’t. And poor Izzie. Izzie, who puts friendship first and everything else second. The last thing she wanted to do to Alex, was hurt him. But, it would have hurt him worse in the end had Izzie not stepped in. Izzie is becoming an adult because the Izzie we knew a year ago would have helped Alex care for Ava until the end of time. But the Izzie we know now protects her friends at all costs, even when it hurts them. Even when they hate her for doing it. And even though Izzie is growing up, at the end of the day, she held Alex in her arms and that is the Izzie we all know. That is one part of Izzie that I know will never change. No matter what, she will always hold her friends in her arms at the end of the day. 
And Bailey. Bailey, who noticed Izzie’s growth because she gave Izzie her keys to the clinic. Bailey. Who, if she wanted to win her family back, HAD to give up something. And Bailey is one person who loves her life. Every inch of it. But she had to let go of one thing to maintain it all. And that’s what Bailey does. She held all of these balls in the air and they all kind of needed each other to stay afloat.. But then came the risk of losing her marriage. Her husband. The love of her life. And in order to save something so dear to her, she had to let all the balls drop for a second. And in a mere second of chaos and crazy, she saved her marriage. She’s not the only one either. The Chief. Yes. He was ready to go home. Well, he’s BEEN ready to go home because really how long can a man who has had a wife for over twenty years – a woman who cooked and handled all the business and kept everything perfect in the household – live in a trailer and eat canned food every night? He just needed to get out there and realize that there is no him without Adele. I mean, how many women do you know would have taken him back after Ellis? Not only did she take him back and carry on with grace but also she continued to love him. That is what makes Adele part of a special breed of women that no longer exists. She comes from a time when marriages lasted a lifetime. I know because she is of my parents’ time and they are still happily, lovingly together. That’s why I love Richard and Adele so much. They remind me of what I grew up with. That love, with all its flaws is what matters more than anything. That’s why Richard went back and that’s why Adele, knowing that Richard hurt her and knowing that it’s possible he may not change – he may continue to work hours upon hours a week at the hospital – but, it’s more about the love than anything. And Adele may only experience it for a couple of hours a day when Richard drags himself through the door after eighteen hours, but she gets to experience it. That’s the key. Because things could have been different. What if Richard had found out about Ellis’ suicide attempt? Would that have been what he needed to go back to her? What if? What if Richard had known? Oh, how different it would have all been. For Richard. For Adele. For Ellis. For Meredith. 
But things play out the way they should. Life plays out exactly the way it should. Which brings me to Rose. She’s the girl that Derek would have fallen for had he never laid eyes on Meredith. Right? She’s THAT girl. That perfectly cute, little heart shaped face, innocent brown eyes, would smother you with kisses and cuddles kind of girl. Yeah well, the reality of it is, life didn’t play out that way for Rose. She didn’t meet Derek before Meredith and I have to tell you, her instincts about being intimidated by Meredith were dead on. I feel for her though because when a man meets the love of his life, there is nothing else out there for him, no matter how great the girl. I don’t want to be Rose right now. Because seriously, we’ve all been Rose once or twice and it’s not fun. And seeing it happen to someone else is like the fingernails scraping against the chalkboard. 
Okay, who has her mojo back???! Yes! Yes! Yes! I was wondering when Cristina would get out of that funk. What happened with Burke winning the Harper Avery was what Cristina needed to move on. Cristina needed that time of sadness and solace to come back better than ever. It’s good to have her back. And how much did we love Cristina for standing up to Hahn? Okay, yes Hahn is a brilliant surgeon and is great with her patients but her teaching skills? Well, let’s just say she can use a little more loving care with her students, particularly Cristina. Because Cristina was taught by Burke, and Burke is brilliant. Couple that with the fact that Cristina is brilliant in her own right and you have someone is who is going to be a dynamic surgeon one day. A surgeon who will save countless lives. A surgeon who will find cures for things. She’s THAT surgeon. And you nurture this person. You don’t hold her back. You don’t humiliate her and give her mundane tasks. So I was kind of glad that the Chief backed Cristina. Of course I felt sorry for Hahn because Hahn grew up in a surgical world that included even fewer women than there is now (so Hahn is accustomed to a “dog eat dog” kind of surgical world). But all that matters now is Cristina has her mojo back! And the Chief made more of a difference than he thought he ever could because Cristina is giving back to the community by teaching Lexie.
And the last discussion of the day brings me back to the beginning: Kissing. Ahhh the kissing. Lexie getting kissed by George. George, who is so excited about taking his exam over that he didn’t know how much that one little kiss would affect Lexie. I love them as friends. They make good friends. We all have that friend we met in school or the gym or somewhere – we just hit it off right away. And right away there was no pretense or airs. Just pure honesty. That’s Lexie and George. They’re really good friends and I can see the friendship evolving into something even greater. At least, that’s what Lexie is hoping. She is my kind of girl. The girl who likes the guy because he is a GOOD guy and that’s what George is. He is a good guy and that’s something that Lexie could use now. She’s going through her own challenges what with Meredith and losing her own mother and trying to keep things afloat. I’m rooting for Lexie. She’s my kind of girl and I hope that she gets what she deserves: love. And more kisses. There should always be that.
Well everyone, I think I’ve said it all. I will see you in Season Five. Have a great summer and do lots of kissing. Kissing makes it all better in the end. 
Shonda
This blog post was originally posted on greyswriters.com and an archive of the posts can now be found at ABC.com.
Category:Grey Matter