Trilogy of Error/Quotes

:Ned Flanders: Son of a diddly!
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:Homer [sits down to breakfast]: Aww, cereal? You know I like my breakfast fried or chicken-fried.
:Marge: It's a healthy cereal from Europe: "mues-lix". [Marge pulls the gooey mueslix out of the bowl by the spoon; Homer, Bart, and Lisa shudder in disgust] They also make "juice-lix." [Maggie has some of the juice-lix from her sippy cup stuck to her face]
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:Lisa [talks subtly to Homer]: I'll get us out of this. Say Dad, want to go see my project for the school science fair?
:Homer: No Lisa, [Homer subtly winks to Lisa] but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
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:Lisa: Meet Linguo, the grammar robot. I built him all by myself. If you misuse language, he'll correct you.
:Homer: Well, let's put him to the test. Me love beer.
:Linguo: *I* love beer.
:Homer: Aw, he loves beer. Here, little fella. [Homer starts to pour a Duff into Linguo's mouth, Lisa pulls him away]
:Lisa: Dad, no! (Lisa looks at Linguo)
:Linguo: Error!
:Homer: I'm sorry, I thought he was a party robot.
:Lisa: Ugh! This is why I can't have nice things! Grrr! [Lisa goes upstairs, muttering]
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:Homer: Oooh, can I have a brownie?
:Marge: They're for after dinner.
:Homer: Ooh, can I have dinner?
:Marge: You can't have a brownie, period.
:Homer [singsong] : Homer wants a brownie, I'm gonna get one.
:Marge: No.
:Homer: Coming in from the left.
:Marge: Stop it.
:Homer: Now from the right.
:Marge: Homer.
:Homer: He grabs for the reacharound, hup, hup ha! He shoots, he sco- [Marge accidentally cuts Homer's thumb off, and Homer screams]
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:Lisa [takes an acetylene torch, and proceeds to fix Linguo]: Hang on, Linguo, you'll be up and conjugating in no time.
:Homer [screams in pain]: My thumb!
:Lisa: Quiet please, some of us are trying to weld! Almost done, just lay still.
:Linguo: Lie still.
:Lisa: I knew that, just testing.
:Linguo: Sentence fragment.
:Lisa: "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
:Linguo: [looks around] Must conserve battery power.
:Lisa: Just come on.
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:Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
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:[Marge calls 911]
:Chief Wiggum: 911, this better be good.
:Marge: I cut off my husband's thumb!
:Chief Wiggum: Attempted murder? You'll burn for this... burn in jail!
:Marge: It was an accident!
:Chief Wiggum [skeptically]: Yeah, yeah, save it for Dateline: Tuesday. What's your address, so I can come arrest you?
:Marge: Arrest me? Um, my address: it's, um... 1- 2- 3... Fake Street.
:Chief Wiggum [writes down the address]: 1-2-3 Fake Street, got it!
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:Krusty [voice from the Krusty Alarm Clock]: Hey hey, hey hey! Hey hey! [Bart presses the snooze button] Lazy, huh? Get 'em, boys! [The "Itchy and Scratchy" theme plays as miniature Itchy & Scratchy figures hit Bart with a plastic mallet and axe]
:Bart: Okay, okay!
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:Lisa: Hey, stop! Wait! Ohh, any day but science project day!
:Martin [from the bus's back-door window as he rubs his electric globe]: Kiss first place good-bye, Lisa! [Martin laughs maniacally]
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:Marge: Bart!
:Bart: [screams as he almost gets run over]
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:Milhouse: I found something awesome in the woods!
:Bart : Is it a dead body?
:Milhouse: It's cooler than a million dead bodies!
:Bart [sorts through some keys]: You take my sister's bike. Let's see: front door, back door, Skinner's, Flanders', your house... Ah, Lisa's bike. [Bart unlocks the padlock on Lisa's bike]
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:Ned Flanders: ...and Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, went straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
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:Bart: Wow, sacks! Burlap sacks!
:Milhouse: It gets better; they're full of fireworks!
:Bart [opens a sack]: Bottle rockets, frog launchers, weeping mamas... Tijuana toilet crackers!
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:Dr. Nick Riviera: So what are we doing? A lenghtening, or a widening?
:Captain McCallister: Yarr, uhh... let's make it both. [The tire from Lisa's bike with fireworks spins through the window and onto the ether tank] Yargh!
:Dr. Nick: Don't worry, it's inflammable! [The ether canister bursts into flames] Let's keep this our little secret.
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:Marge: We've got to get to the hospital, Homer!
:Homer: Okay, if the doctor asks why you cut it off, you caught me in bed with four beautiful women.
:Marge: Let's just say that Bart did it.
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:Marge [after rear-ending Wolfcastle's Ferrari]: Aw, doodlebugs.
:Rainier Wolfcastle: My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her. [Wolfcastle takes out a golf club and starts smashing the Simpsons' front car window]
:Marge: Homer, help! [Homer has left the car]
:Homer [subtly]: Marge, over here. [Marge and Homer drive off, taking Wolfcastle's Ferrari]
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:Dr. Hibbert: I'm sorry, Homer, your HMO doesn't cover this kind of injury.
:Homer [moans]: But I have finger insurance.
:Dr. Hibbert: A thumb is not a finger.
:Marge: Isn't there anything you can do?
:Dr. Hibbert: Well, I could cut off the other thumb for a sense of symmetry.
:Homer: Symmetry, eh?
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:Chief Wiggum [the squad car pulls up to the curb]: Here we are, 123 Fake Street: the home of "Knifey-Wifey".
:Lou: Hey Chief, can I hold my gun sideways? It looks so cool.
:Chief Wiggum [chuckles]: Aw, sure. Whatever you want, birthday boy. [Wiggum kicks in the door] Okay, drop the knife, "Stab-itha"! [Bart and Milhouse drop the bag of fireworks] Great Grucci's ghost! We've uncovered a hard-core cracker house.
:Lou: There's enough Chinese sky candy here to put you boys away for a long time.
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:Lisa: Sorry, I was rushing because I'm in the wrong school. [nervous chuckle] Can you believe that?
:Thelonious: It's understandable. All the schools in this area were built from identical plans. I guess they didn't have enough money to hire I. M. Pei.
:Lisa: Whoa, you know I. M. Pei? I. M. Impressed.
:[Lisa and Thelonious laugh and snort]
:Thelonious: My name's Thelonious.
:Lisa: As in Monk?
:Thelonious: Yes, the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.
:Lisa: What do your friends call you?
:Thelonious: I don't really have any friends.
:Lisa [gasps]: Just like me.
:[Lisa, Thelonious, and Linguo dance about in a circle while The Turtles' Happy Together plays in the background]
:Lisa: Oh my god! It's 11:15! We've been spinning for hours! I've got to get to my school and hand in Linguo! Oh, but I don't want to leave you.
:Thelonious: You must! You can't sacrifice grades for romance. That's not the girl I fell for.
:Lisa: Will I ever see you again?
:Thelonious: Of course you will, at the Magnet High School. Now go.
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:Legs: Great idea to smuggle fireworks, Boss.
:Louie: Yeah, I was getting sick of running those unions.
:Legs: So much paperwork.
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:Marge: Hibbert's really losing it. We're going to Dr. Nick's!
:Homer [looks inside the ice-filled Tupperware bowl]: We need more ice. My thumb is fading fast!
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:Krusty [After his limo stops short of nearly hitting Lisa]: Idiot, you almost ran over a viewer, and she's in our key demo! [to Lisa] Sorry about that, kid, need a ride?
:Lisa: Can you take me to school, Krusty?
:Krusty: Hop in. [to his limo driver] Hey moron, Springfield Elementary, and step on it!
:[The limo driver's window rolls down, revealing Mr. Teeny as the driver; Mr. Teeny chuckles as he starts driving, and a moment later, he is pulled over by the police]
:Chief Wiggum: Hey Teeny, you know where 123 Fake Street is?
:Mr. Teeny [subtitled]: I don't know what you're saying.
:Chief Wiggum: Aw, it's okay. Hey, we got the same hat!
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:Lisa [opens the Number 8 classroom door]: What?
:French Teacher [in French]: La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
:French Students [in unison]: La grenouille mange le pamplemousse.
:Lisa: Huh? This isn't Miss Hoover's class!
:French Teacher [in accented English]: I do not know this Mademoiselle "Oo-vair" of which you speak.
:Lisa: What's happening? Where am I?
:French Teacher: Sacre bleu! What a foolish question! You are at West Springfield Elementary School!
:Lisa: West Springfield? I'm at the wrong school!
:[The French students laugh at Lisa]
:French Teacher: En français.
:[The students laugh snobbishly and derisively with an accent at Lisa]
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:Homer [Homer and Marge pull up to Moe's, Homer enters]: Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb!
:Moe: No problem, just stick the old eye-gouger in the pickle brine. That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious.
:Homer: Thanks, Moe.
:Moe: Hey, uh hey, ain't you going to have a beer?
:Homer: Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all. Although I do like the occasional beer.
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:Homer [as Cletus's pick-up pulls to a stop]: Hey, thanks for stopping.
:Cletus: T'aint nothin'. You and me share a common infirmity. If anyone ever tells you a hog won't eat a finger, they's lying.
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:Milhouse: This is where I come to cry.
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:Louie: Hey, there they are!
:Fat Tony: Gentlemen, remove your guns from your holsters.
:Louie: Shoulder, or ankle?
:Fat Tony: Surprise me.
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:Cletus: [upon seeing his truck hijacked] Hey! Somebody done stoled my wheels!
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:Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
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:[Fat Tony, Legs and Louie corner Bart and Milhouse in a dead-end alley]
:Louie: You ain't going nowhere!
:Marge: You leave those boys alone! Grr! [Marge throws Linguo at the mobsters]
:Linguo: He-elp!
:Louie: Hey, they's throwin' robots!
:Linguo: They are throwing robots.
:Legs: It's disrespecting us. Shut up-a you face!
:Linguo: Shut up your face!
:Legs: What's the matter, you?
:Louie: You ain't so big!
:Legs: Me and him are gonna whack you in the labonza!
:Linguo [sputters]: Bad, Bad grammar overload. Error. Error! [Sparks and smoke start flying from Linguo, igniting the nearby fireworks]
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:Homer [removes his severed thumb]: Abra-ca-thumb-ra.
:Cletus [chuckles]: Dang, you could be one of them TV magic queers.
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:Lisa [enters Moe's]: My dad's not here? I need a ride to school!
:Moe: Yeah, yeah, we all got problems.
:Lisa [whimpers]: Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency.
:Chief Wiggum: Uh, no can do, doll-face. I've got an informant wearing a wire, heh, just like on Nash Bridges. We're trying to get the goods on some smugglers.
:Fat Tony [heard over the police radio]: Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods.
:Lisa: That sounds like Fat Tony.
:Chief Wiggum: Hm, only one way to be sure. [Wiggum speaks into the radio mike] Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony?
:Legs: Hey, where's that voice coming from?
:Louie: This guy's wearing a wire!
:Fat Tony: Take him out. [Firecrackers and then static are heard over the police radio]
:Chief Wiggum: My bad. Heh, I can't work my answering machine, either, heh. Now I need a new informant. Say, Lisa, people trust you. How'd you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but-- [Lisa leaves Moe's] Oh.
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:Homer[while drunk]: Did you ever see that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs... they suck!
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:Homer [pulls his shriveled thumb out of the pickle-brine jar as he reaches a sign saying "Shelbyville, 20 Miles"]: Ooh, it's too late!
:Homer [tosses the jar into the trash can, and prepares to throw away his thumb]: Well, old friend, we always knew this day would come. Say good-bye to your brother.
:Homer [Linguo's head explodes, landing next to Homer]: What the hell?!
:Homer [gasps]: Linguo! Dead?
:Linguo: Linguo... is... dead. [Linguo powers down, and Homer closes the robot's eyes]
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:Milhouse: I can't go to juvie! They use guys like me as currency!
:Chief Wiggum: Yeah, they'll pass you around like... well, like currency, like you said. Maybe we can make you boys a deal.
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:Marge [finds Bart and Milhouse hiding in a trash can]: It's all right, boys!
:Homer: Oh, thank goodness everyone's okay.
:Marge: Except your thumb, and Lisa's science project.
:Fat Tony: I couldn't help but notice your respective predicaments. Perhaps I may offer a bipartite solution.
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:Legs: There you go, enjoy your thumb.
:Lisa: As the circulation returns, the subject prepares for a long and painful recovery. [Lisa's classmates applaud] It's lucky for me that Legs was an experienced mob doctor.
:Fat Tony: He once pulled a slug out of my arm and inserted it into a stoolie's brain.
:Miss Hoover: That's a first-place science project, Lisa. [Milhouse and the other Simpsons cheer, and the class applauds]
:Marge: Boy, this sure was one crazy day. [Mr. Teeny hops into Marge's arms] Right, Mr. Teeny? [Everyone in the classroom laughs]
:Mr. Teeny [subtitled, as he turns to the camera]: This plot made no sense! Tell the people!