Confused

Confused is the fifth episode of Ttyl..
==Plot==
After Squidward comes out to his parents as "confused" about his sexuality, he is thrown out of the house by his father. He then attempts to room with various friends, finding on his own while attempting to live with them that none of them really lead peaceful lives.
==Transcript==
*The episode opens to a shot of Squidward, lying on a bed in a dark room seemingly nude from the waist up. Another squid climbs on top of him - a female squid, with blonde hair, scantily-clad - Squilvia. The two begin kissing passionately as "Summer Breeze" by The Isley Brothers plays in the background.
*Squilvia: Oh, Squidward...you're so good...
*Cut to a shot of Squillvia traveling through Squidward's open tentacles, seemingly working her way up to his mouth as the screen cuts to a shot of curtains. When it cuts back, we see Squidward and Squilvia finally stop kissing, and Squidward suddenly get a puzzled expression on his face. Squilvia has seemingly morphed into none other then Squilliam Fancyson, who pulls Squidward back into a kiss before he can question what's going on.
*Squidward: Wait...this isn't right.
*Squilliam: Oh, but you know it feels right.
*We get another shot of the two males passionately kissing, both seen from the waist up. Squidward caresses Squilliam, letting him melt in his arms as the two kiss. We see another shot of their legs as Squilliam passionately moans. Panning back up, Squilliam has morphed back into Squilvia, who stops kissing him and gives him a serious look.
*Squilvia: You have to make a choice, Squidward.
*Squidward: Wha...?
*Squidward begins to realize something weird is going on. The screen becomes blurry as the two continue kissing, only for Squilvia to change into Squilliam again.
*Squilliam: Who's it going to be?
*The music suddenly stops as the scene cuts out to Squidward, suddenly awoken from his bizarre dream, sweating as he sits up in bed.
*Squidward: (out of breath) Good Lord, that's the third time this week. What's...wrong with me? I have to tell someone about this.
*Cut to a shot of eggs in a frying pan. The screen zooms out to reveal Squidward's mother, a classy lady, is making breakfast while Squidward's father is reading the paper at the kitchen table. We see Squidward enter the kitchen and the two both turn their attention to him with a smile.
*Squidward's Dad: Ah, there's my boy!
*Squidward's Mom: (rolls her eyes) Good almost afternoon. It's about time you woke up. 
*Squidward's Dad: Hey, you know teenagers. (chuckles)
*Squidward: Hey Mom, Dad. (sits down at kitchen table)
*Squidward's Mom: How do you want your eggs?
*Squidward: Er, over-easy.
*Squidward's mom flips the egg in the frying pan again, and the room is silent for a couple of seconds.
*Squidward: So...there's something I'd like to talk to you both about.
*Squidward's Mom: What is it, dear?
*Squidward's Dad: Lady troubles? (chuckles)
*Squidward: Er, something like that. You see, er...I've actually been wondering if I should be with the ladies or not.
*Squidward's mom suddenly stops and stares at him. His dad does similar.
*Squidward's Dad: Uh...hehe, son...you'd best be careful how you word things like that. For a second there, I thought you might be...
*Squidward: Gay? Well, I don't know.
*The room falls silent again. Suddenly, the hand of Squidward's dad reaches over and socks Squidward straight in the jaw. Squidward falls over and moans in pain.
*Squidward's Dad: There, now you know.
*Squidward's Mom: Richard!
*Squidward's Dad: I'm not having a queer son, sweetheart. If our boy thinks he's a fairy, well then, it's my job to fix that. Right after breakfast we're gonna go shoot some hoops. And if that doesn't work, then we'll go to a sports bar. Shit, I'll buy the boy a hooker if it means he realizes he needs to cut the gay crap out.
*Squidward stands up with an angry expression on his face towards his father.
*Squidward: I never said I was gay. I only said that I didn't know. I'm...confused. And no amount of sports bars or hookers is going to change that.
*Squidward's Dad: Oh, you're confused? Well, let me settle this for you: you like girls. End of story.
*Squidward: No.
*Squidward's Dad: (standing up) Oh, no?
*Squidward gets closer to his father's face.
*Squidward: That's right, no. You don't get to make this decision for me. I'm my own person, and I'll be whoever I want to be.
*Squidward's Dad: Not in this house you won't. Until I hear you say 'I'm straight', I want you out of here.
*Squidward's Mom: (upset) Richard!
*Squidward: Well then, I guess neither of you will be seeing me for a while. (stands up and heads out the door)
*Squidward's Dad: Are you seriously going to leave the house over this homo junk?
*Squidward: Eeyup. (slams the front door behind him)
*Squidward stands outside of the front door for a second, hearing his parents' muffled arguing.
*Squidward: Let's see...where am I going to go? (thinks for a second) Well, I guess Patrick's got the closest house, so it would make sense to stay there, but...Patrick...(cringes) Ah, I've got no other choice.
*Squidward pulls out his phone and begins dialing.
*Squidward: Please pick up.
*Screen cuts to Patrick, lying down on his bed blowing smoke rings with a pipe full of an unknown substance. "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine plays in the background as Patrick notices his phone ringing and picks it up reluctantly.
*Patrick: Hello?
*Squidward: Patrick, is it okay if I stay over?
*Patrick: What the hell kind of question is that? (blows a ring)
*Squidward: My parents kicked me out of the house because they found out I'm...confused.
*Patrick: Confused? So wait, you're not a straight-up homo?
*Squidward: (angrily) You don't have to put it like that!
*Patrick: Hey, don't give me any shit about how I phrase my terms, kay? Do you want to stay over or not?
*Squidward: Well, yes, but...(sigh)
*Patrick: I'm sure my parents will be happy to have you so they can have a good child to compare me to. Just show up at the front door and they'll be all over you once you tell them- (sound of stairs shuffling) Shit, I can't talk anymore. Just go ahead and show up.
*Patrick clicks off the phone, sticks the pipe in his mattress, and turns the music off as fast as he can while opening a textbook on his nightstand. Cut back to Squidward heading towards Patrick's house.
*Squidward: Well...this isn't ideal, but it's all I've got.
*As Squidward gets closer to the door, he is beaten by Patrick's parents. Patrick's mom in particular gives Squidward a particularly tight hug.
*Patrick's Mom: Oh, Squidward, dear, it's so nice to see you again.
*Patrick's Dad: Patrick told us about your parents.
*Patrick's Mom: I can hardly believe it. I didn't think they'd be the type to be so close-minded. I'm going to get your mother on the phone as soon as possible.
*Squidward: Well, it was mostly my father, actually...anyways, nice to see you both.
*Squidward enters the house, where he can see everything has been freshly cleaned in preparation for his arrival. Patrick's mom heads towards the stairs.
*Patrick's Mom: (yelling upstairs) Patrick! Come say hello to Squidward!
*Patrick: (muffled) Um, I'm a little busy right now.
*Patrick's Mom: Doing what, exactly?
*Patrick: Um...(cough)...homework.
*Patrick's Mom: (angrily) Patrick Star! (lowers tone and turns toward father) Honey, go check on your son.
*Patrick's Dad: He doesn't listen to me, though.
*Patrick's Mom: He doesn't listen to either one of us, just do it.
*Patrick's Dad: I just don't feel comfortable with...some of the things he says to me. The other day he called me a pussy.
*Patrick's Mom: Well, if you don't get your butt up there I'm almost inclined to agree with him!
*Patrick's Dad: But...(sigh)
*Patrick's dad heads up the stairs as Patrick's mom turns her attention towards Squidward again.
*Patrick's Mom: You need anything, dear? I can put the kettle on for some tea, or...
*Squidward: Tea would be nice. (smiles)
*Patrick's Dad: (yelling from upstairs) HONEY, HE'S GONE!
*Patrick's Mom: What?! (drops tea kettle on foot) Ah, son of a bitch! (looks at Squidward, still holding her foot in pain) Sorry about that...I just can't believe he's gone again. That's the third time this week.
*Squidward: Have you ever considered locking his window down or something?
*Patrick's dad begins to head down the stairs.
*Patrick's Dad: We tried. He broke through the chains.
*Patrick's Mom: With his teeth.
*Squidward: Wow.
*Patrick's Mom: Should we call the police?
*Patrick's Dad: It's no use. He'll come back anyways and make us look like fools.
*Patrick's Mom: Why does he always have to do this?
*Patrick's Dad: He hates us. I don't blame him. We're shitty parents.
*Patrick's Mom: Don't say that. We're doing our best here. I just...(turns away, sniffling)
*Squidward: Um, should I...go?
*Patrick's Dad: No, you don't have to go. Do you have any way of getting ahold of Patrick?
*Squidward: Yeah, I have his number. (pulls out phone and walks off to a quiet place)
*Patrick: Hello?
*Squidward: Patrick, where are you?
*Patrick: Did my parents put you up to this?
*Squidward: Your mother is crying right now, you asshole! What are you doing?
*Patrick: Squidward, don't be a goody-two-shoes, alright? I'll come home when I feel like it.
*Squidward: Patrick, would you just- (dial tone begins on the other line) Why did I even bother?
*Cut to later that night. Squidward is lying in Patrick's bed asleep, not expecting him to come home, when suddenly Patrick busts through the door with a female companion.
*Patrick: Squidward? What the hell are you doing in my bed?
*Squidward: (groggily) Sleeping.
*Patrick: Ew, you totally gayed it up in here. (pushes Squidward off the bed, causing him to yelp) You'd best get out of here, unless you're into voyeurism. There's a blanket and a pillow on the living room couch for you.
*Squidward: Are you kidding me right now?
*Patrick: Nope. (begins kissing and undressing his female companion)
*Squidward: Well, tell your parents I left in the morning. I've decided I'd rather be homeless then live with a prick like you.
*Patrick: Yeah, whatever.
*Squidward walks out angrily, as we get one last shot of Patrick pulling a white capsule out of his pocket and dropping it in the girl's beer can. He grabs her rear as the scene cuts back to Squidward outside of Patrick's house.
*Squidward: (shivers) Man, it's cold out. I've gotta find somewhere to stay. Hopefully not all my friends are completely dysfunctional, right? Let's see, my second closest friend is...Sandy? Yeah, I think that's right.
*Before Squidward can dial Sandy's number, his phone rings in his pocket. He picks it up to hear the frantic voice of Pearl.
*Pearl: Squidward, I need you!
*Squidward: ...Uh, for what exactly?
*Pearl: It's Sandy. There's scars on her wrists, she's hyperventilating, she won't eat, her parents aren't home, and...oh, god, Squidward, I can't do this on my own.
*Squidward: Whoa, whoa, slow down. How long has this been going on?
*Pearl: She posted a status update two hours ago saying she couldn't live anymore. I haven't gotten the full extent of what's going on, but looking through her Internet history, someone spread the nude pictures of her to 6chan.
*Squidward: 6chan? That anonymous imageboard?
*Pearl: Yeah, there. I guess she just sort of lost it knowing there were hundreds of Internet strangers calling her a slut.
*Squidward: Ugh, if I could get my hands on the bastard who's doing this to her...have you called for an ambulance?
*Pearl: Should I? I was hoping you could calm her down maybe. Sandy's always had a fear of hospitals, they make her feel weak. I don't want to do that to her...
*Squidward: Why me specifically?
*Pearl: SpongeBob didn't even sound sober when I tried to call him, Larry gave more of a shit about his weight training, and Patrick's a dick.
*Squidward: What about your dad?
*Pearl: He's asleep. And trust me, you do not want to wake my dad once he's gotten into a deep sleep. Also, you took those classes on mental health, right?
*Squidward: Yeah, I did. I might know something to do. I'll be right over, just keep her from hurting herself right now, okay? (clicks off phone) Well, this night just took an unexpected turn...
*As Squidward looks into the distance, the episode fades to black, then credits.
==Trivia==
*This episode is rated 15 by the BBFC for frequent moderate language, sex references, and sex.
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